the past tense was because i was talking about being a child. i'm still depressive although today is possibly the best i've felt in months. today is good because i've been working on improving my mental hygiene and it's starting to pay off. it's been a long project. i'd say that the very first step i took towards taking care of my mental health was 2.5 years ago. it's difficult to summarize what's happened since then, and introspection is nowhere near as accurate as it feels. i won't try. the first step for me was admitting to my parents and my doctor that i was depressed. but was that the first step? how long did i prepare myself for that? who knows.

getting into a romantic relationship was difficult for me. even after a year together, i found myself paranoid about my partner. did they actually like me? i felt like they were humoring me every time we did anything together, that it was a burden to be around me. finally trusting them, finally trusting that they liked me was a gradual process. first i had to understand the idea intellectually, and only then could i try to internalize it. i'm still working on it, but there are days where i feel very happy to be me, because someone out there loves to spend time with me. learning to trust my romantic relationship is a microcosm of learning to trust all of my social relationships and my place in the world.

my latest improvement to my mental hygiene is to keep a journal. i have a habit of letting my head crowd up with thoughts which leaves me anxious, confused, and agitated. writing things down helps me clear thoughts out. i've realized that suppressing thoughts does not work. inhibitory patterns like that are the root of my depression (i'm sure everyone has a different root. some might have a fundamentally unassailable root and need drug therapy). having a truly clear head once in a while is a wonderful, wonderful experience.

my favorite books to read to keep my mind healthy are the Dao De Jing and the Zhuangzi. I prefer Ursula K. Le Guin's rendition of the former and the translation of the latter by Burton Watson. there are passages in these beautiful works that can pull me right out of a depressive episode, or at least comfort me intellectually while i weather it. there's something deeply and mysteriously comforting in their lines. these books have a way of putting thoughts in my head that push out the invasive, repetitive, agitating, stressful thoughts and let me breathe.

i'm not depressed right now, but maybe tonight, or tomorrow. i don't mind. i like myself, even my depressed self who hates themself. they know they like themself; they used to feel guilty about hating themself and guilty about being depressed, but they don't feel guilty anymore. it makes it easier to cope. they and i know how to keep ourself healthy better than we did before. it's a lifetime endeavor, learning your own nature, loving your own nature, letting yourself be the way you are. i feel like this post is very disorganized, scatterbrained, incoherent. i cannot begin to touch upon all of my experiences that have improved me. even if i could, what good is it if i can't transfer that deeply personal wisdom to others? the words don't carry any of the power of the signified.

'mental hygiene'. i think this is the key concept to understand. it's different for everyone. keeping physically clean keeps away physical disease. keeping mentally clean keeps away mental disease. you can still get sick, but you'll get sick less, and you'll get better faster. you may even get better for the first time in your life.

P.S. i also did a lot of acid but that's reckless. it's a good way to scar yourself. it's also a good way to shove your brain outside of its normal operational range. both have happened to me. i believe that one day there will be a drug gentler than lsd or psilocybin that will be used in controlled therapeutic settings. if you need to escape the inescapable, these drugs will do it.