I guess I misunderstood what the parent comment was about. Now that I've reread it, it's subtle, but I can see what it's driving at.

That said, now that I understand it, I feel like the parent comment being sexist toward both men and women to illustrate a false dichotomy.

It stereotypes women as being interested "wine tours, maybe some yoga, [and] trashy soap operas". I've met plenty of women in tech that have no interest in such things and I've met plenty of male engineers in tech interested in the first two of those three things. I don't know anyone in tech interested in the last item and to be honest I can't imagine a dominantly female tech industry establishing a culture where anyone is interested in such things. Looking at all the female engineers I work with that are great coders and great to work with and solve problems with, I can't imagine them really creating a culture that values social activities different from the ones I see my male colleagues participating in. They'd still play board games. They'd still read and watch sci-fi. They'd still hike and cycle. None of these activities strike me as particularly male oriented. They strike me as nerd oriented and they are incompatible with societies neurotypical social expectations for both men and women.

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Strangely this particularly part of the comment caught my attention:

"And you have to be _so careful_ to be friendly, but not
_so_ friendly that your co-workers think you're hitting on
them."

What I found interesting is that it called my attention to something I had never noticed before and haven't seen anyone else point out.

When I look around at my workplace and previous workplaces, there are women who have a lot of ease fitting in and there are women who don't. Those that do remarkably well are often remarkably similar to the men who do well. They care about code in and out of work. Their interests outside of work are nerdy (hacking, making, sci-fi, board games, etc.). They spend relatively little time preening (social self-grooming).

Those that are most challenged and have the biggest difficulty fitting in and getting along with their colleagues don't share these traits. One trait I see in common with many of the women that have difficulty in tech culture is that the more closely approximate the gender roles and expectations that society at large sets for them; the most damaging of which is preening. Society has for a long time had a strong expectation for women to self-groom socially a lot more than men. Women are basically expected to wake up each morning and dress well, put on make up, etc. Those that don't do this will encounter friction socially outside the office and those that do will encounter friction inside the office.

The reason I find this observation interesting is that it's not even a problem exclusive to women in tech. Men that socially self-groom are more likely to feel like outsiders. An example of such high social self-grooming that would make you feel like you don't belong is wearing collared shirts, nice pants, nice shoes, possibly even a suit jacket or even a full suit. Interestingly, Greg Foster over at AirBnB even wrote about this exact type of discrimination in his essay "Does tech discriminate against suits?"[0].

Assuming this is valid anecdotal observation, there are two things to consider:

- For this particular phenomena, is this illustrative of tech discriminating against women or is it tech discriminating against the high self-grooming? (I'm not saying there aren't other ways in which women are made to feel like outsiders, I'm just picking one in particular that applies to men as well, but AFAICT seems to affect women disproportionately, since I've observed that women are likely to continue to highly self-groom in an engineering environment.)

- If it is, then is the problem with tech discriminating against male or females that are high self groomers or does the problem lie with society at large that imposes far greater pressure on women to self-groom outside the workplace. Put another way, should hacker culture be accepting and welcoming of high social social self-grooming or is it mutually incompatible like low social self-grooming would be in an industry such as fashion and design?

Anyways, the reason this original comment is additionally interesting in light of this observation, is that high social self-grooming by women (or men) generally contributes to feelings of sexual attraction, such that those women that do feel and give into society's pressure to self-groom likely have to worry far more about being friendly with their co-works than those that don't.

Anecdotally, and speaking for myself here, the female colleagues I feel sexual attraction for and that I possibly would attempt to court (were they not professional colleagues of mine) are those that are higher social self-groomers. Those that are low social self-groomers feel far more like professional peers than potential partners.

At the end of the day, the evolutionary reason for social self grooming comes down to status and mating. Men, especially men in Silicon Valley, don't have the same pressure from society to dress in a way that appeals to courtship instincts (the average male techie outfit of ill-fitting hoodies, jeans, sneakers and t-shirt doesn't get you that far in terms of attracting the attention of those attracted to your gender or gender identity).

I'm curious to hear other people's thoughts here? Agree, disagree?

Lastly, please don't interpret my attempt here to describe and predict as an attempt to prescribe. I'm thinking aloud in an attempt to be mindful and seek deeper understanding here.

[0] https://medium.com/@gregorymfoster/does-tech-discriminate-ag...

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Signalling_theory