Not quite feeling it, eh?

Stanford's abundance and enabling of ambitions and optimism not enough?

Watching from inside a sand hill money machine didn't work out?

Does it sometimes feel like it has to be Steve Jobs or nothing? And anything less just doesn't stir that inner light and soul?

Just meh?

Yeah, I feel you. I used to get that often.

Maybe this will help, once I asked Steve Jobs how do I earn my own Apple.

He looked at me, sized me up, then said: "either you do or you don't."

I didn't know what to do with that, just took it and mangled it about in my head the past eight years, flipping it every which way to find meaning in every nook and cranny.

Oh, wait, one more thing.

He caveated his statement by finishing with: "the trick is to accept, accept, accept."

Maybe that'll be helpful.

I spent the last sixteen years in the backwaters of Cupertino wanting, dreaming, yearning to start my own company.

I have no money, we ate from the bagged groceries the church handed out on Sundays growing up, my mom doesn't speak english and only three years ago I was able to teach her to drive herself to Marina, I didn't go to college, couldn't afford it, had problem reading books sometimes too.

Worst sin of all, here in silicon valley, I'm pretty dumb.

Give me a calculus problem and I wouldn't know how to solve it. Don't know how to pump out regressions on a spreadsheet. Still don't know how term sheets work. I'm pretty sure every room I have ever been in I was the dumbest one there. Most days I can't even grammar. Or even muster up courage to talk to someone without my right foot involuntarily stomps.

Don't tell me about my limits, I know my limits and replay failures better than anyone else. I've had a whole life time of people telling me about my limits but all I know is this: I want a better life. I want to give better things to those near me. I want to help those around me. I want better, better things, better ways, better options, better choices, better solutions. I want it so bad I'm willing to kill myself to try.

I want to earn my own apple, I want to be a founder, a CEO, and lead so I went everywhere I could, that would have me, and soaked up everything.

Rejected five times from YC, oh well, keep going. Don't know anyone in the valley, be a tech writer, still failed to make any lasting connections, oh well, keep going. Don't know marketing or sales so work for tech startup in SF to learn and try my best, get fired, they then go and get acquired the day after I get asked to sign away my options, oh well, keep going. Taught myself hiding in conference rooms at nights and weekends after work in Mountain View, still get fired, oh well, keep going. Grinded out in Berkeley sixteen hour days, six days weeks, fifteen months in, gave it my absolute all to build, launch, promote, sell, support, maintain a creation and still watched it burn and fail. Oh well, keep going.

One step at a time, right foot, left foot, one at a time.

The tao isn't about being focused on the far distant peaks so much it hurts, nor is it to sit, ponder too long and waste. It's merely just walk the path.

Yesterday you said tomorrow. Tomorrow may never come. Someday is better than one day but any day isn't any better than today.

Either you do make it or you don't.

Maybe you get lucky, maybe you don't.

No one can promise you everything will be okay. My friends have long gone, in the dark of night I'm the only reassuring myself.

After sixteen years things fades away. The stories, the names, the after actions, everything fades away. I learned now it's not that knowing everything will be okay if you have all the cards lined up, advantages stacked in your favor, or have a killer idea, you just have to be okay with whatever happen.

Don't stop helping others. Others will help you.

Build a home for the misfits and the misfits will find ways to fix the fittings.

Don't give up, give in, give out. Then very last thing you see before dying is success.