Alvy Singer:「Hey, what am I-your son? Whatta you mean? I-I came over TV --_」
ANNIE:「Touching his chest with her hand) I got the good chocolate, Alvy.」
Alvy Singer:「Yeah, where is the spider?」
ANNIE:「It really is lovely. It's in the bathroom.」
Alvy Singer:「Is he in the bathroom?」
narrator:ANNIE (Rising from chair) Hey, don't squish it, and after it's dead, flush it down the toilet, okay? And flush it a couple o' times.
Alvy Singer:「Moving down the hallway to the bathroom) Darling, darling, I've been killing spiders since I was thirty, okay?」
ANNIE:「Upset, hands on her neck) Oh. What?」
narrator:ALVY (Coming back into the living room) Very big spider.
ANNIE:「Yeah?」
Alvy Singer:「Two ... Yeah. Lotta, lotta trouble. There's two of 'em.」
narrator:Alvy starts walking down the ball again, Annie following.
ANNIE:「Two?」


Alvy Singer:「Opening a closet door) Yep. I didn't think it was that big, but it's a major spider. You got a broom or something with a-」
narrator:ANNIE Oh, I-I left it at your house.
Alvy Singer:「Overlapping) -snow shovel or anything or something.」
ANNIE:「Overlapping) I think I left it there, I'm sorry.」
narrator:Reaching up into the closet, Alvy takes out a covered tennis racquet.
Alvy Singer:「Holding the racquet) Okay, let me have this.」
ANNIE:「Well, what are you doing ... what are you doing with-」
Alvy Singer:「Honey, there's a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.」
narrator:He walks into the bathroom, Annie looking after him.
ANNIE:「Well, okay. Oooh.」
narrator:Alvy stands in the middle of the bathroom, tennis racquet in one band, rolled magazine in the other. He looks over at the shelf above the sink and picks up a small container. He holds it out, shouting off screen to Annie.
 ALVY Hey, what is this? You got black soap?
ANNIE:「Off screen) It's for my complexion.」


Alvy Singer:「Whatta-whatta yuh joining a minstrel show?
 Geez. (Alvy turns and starts swapping the racquet over the shelf, knocking down articles and breaking glass) Don't worry! (He continues to swat the racquet all over the bathroom. He finally moves out of the room, hands close to his body. He walks into the other room, where Annie is sitting in a corner of her bed leaning against the wall) I did it! I killed them both. What-what's the matter? Whatta you- (Annie is sobbing, her band over her face) -whatta you sad about? You- What'd you want me to do? Capture 'em and rehabilitate 'em?」
ANNIE:「Sobbing and taking Alvy's arm) Oh, don't go, okay? Please.」
Alvy Singer:「Sitting down next to her) Whatta you mean, don't go? Whatta-whatta -what's the matter? Whatta you expecting -termites? What's the matter?」
ANNIE:「Sobbing) Oh, uh, I don't know. I miss you. Tsch.」
narrator:She beats her fist on the bed. Reacting, Alvy puts his arm around her shoulder and leans back against the wall.
Alvy Singer:「Oh, Jesus, really?」


ANNIE:「Leaning on his shoulder) Oh, yeah. Oh. (They kiss) Oh! Alvy?」
narrator:ALVY What?
 He touches her face gently as she wipes tears from her face.
ANNIE:「Was there somebody in your room when I called you?」
Alvy Singer:「W-w-whatta you mean?」
ANNIE:「I mean was there another- I thought I heard a voice.」
Alvy Singer:「Oh, I had the radio on.」
ANNIE:「Yeah?」
Alvy Singer:「I'm sorry. I had the television set ... I had the television-」
ANNIE:「Yeah.」
narrator:Alvy pulls her to him and they kiss again.
 CUT TO:
 INT. ALVY'S BED
 Alvy is lying in bed next to Annie, who is leaning on her elbow looking down at him. He rubs her arms and she smiles.
ANNIE:「Alvy, let's never break up again. I don't wanna be apart.」
narrator:ALVY Oh, no, no, I think we're both much too mature for something like that.
ANNIE:「Living together hasn't been so bad, has it?」


Alvy Singer:「It's all right for me, it's been terrific, you know? Better than either one of my marriages. See, 'cause. . . 'cause there's just something different about you. I don't know what it is, but it's great.」
narrator:ANNIE (Snickering) You know I think that if you let me, maybe I could help you have more fun, you know?
 I mean, I know it's hard and ... Yeah.
 ALVY I don't know.
 ANNIE Alvy, what about ... what if we go away this weekend, and we could-
Alvy Singer:「Tsch, why don't we get ... why don't we get Rob, and the three of us'll drive into Brooklyn, you know, and we show you the old neighborhood.」
ANNIE:「Okay, okay. Okay.」
Alvy Singer:「That'd be fun for yuh. Don't you think-」
ANNIE:「Yeah.」
narrator:Alvy raises up his head and they kiss.
 EXT. HIGHWAY
 Annie is behind the wheel in her VW, Rob is beside her, Alvy in the back seat leaning forward so that his head is between them. They're driving down the highway.
ANNIE:「me, my God, it's a great day!」


narrator:ALVY (Interrupting) Hey, can yuh watch the road? Watch the --
ROB:「Overlapping) Yeah, watch the road!」
narrator:ALVY You'll total the whole car.
ANNIE:「Laughing) Hey, you know, I never even visited Brooklyn before.」
ROB:「I can't wait to see the old neighborhood.」
Alvy Singer:「Yeah, the neighborhood's gonna be great.」
ROB:「We can show her the schoolyard.」
Alvy Singer:「Right. I was a great athlete. Tell her, Max, I was the best, I was all schoolyard.」
narrator:ROB Yes, I remember. (Annie laughs) He was all schoolyard. They threw him a football once, he tried to dribble it.
 ALVY Yeah, well, I used to lose my glasses a lot.
 EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK.
 Alvy Annie and Rob move toward the roller coaster on the screen. The area's deserted. Sea gulls are heard.
 ALVY Oh, look, look, there's that ... that's -that's my old house. That's where I used to live.
ANNIE:「Laughing) Holy cow!」


ROB:「You're lucky, Max-where I used to live is now a pornographic equipment store.」
narrator:Annie laughs.
 ALVY I have some very good memories there.
ROB:「What kind of good memories, Max?
 Your mother and father fighting all the time.」
narrator:ALVY Yeah, and always over the most ridiculous things.
 FLASHBACK - INT. ALVY'S HOUSE.
 Alvy's father sits in his chair. His mother is polishing a door while Alvy lies on the floor playing. Annie, adult Alvy and Rob quietly walk into the scene to watch.
ALVY'S FATHER:「You fired the cleaning woman?」
ALVY'S MOTHER:「She was stealing.」
ALVY'S FATHER:「But she's colored.」
ALVY'S MOTHER:「SO?」
ALVY'S FATHER:「So the colored have enough trouble.」
ALVY'S MOTHER:「She was going through my pocketbook!」
ALVY'S FATHER:「They're persecuted enough!」
ALVY'S MOTHER:「Who's persecuting? She stole!」
narrator:Alvy's father gets up and gets his hard hat. He sits back down and starts polishing it.
ALVY'S FATHER:「All right-so we can afford it.」
ALVY'S MOTHER:「How can we afford it? On your pay?
 What if she steals more?」
ALVY'S FATHER:「She's a colored woman, from Harlem!
 She has no money! She's got a right to steal from us! After all, who is she gonna steal from if not us?」
narrator:ADULT ALVY (Yelling into the scene) You're both crazy!
ROB:「They can't hear you, Max.」
ALVY'S MOTHER:「Leo ... I married a fool!」
ROB:「Pointing) Hey, Max! Who's that?」
narrator:As the three friends watch Alvy's old living room, the scene has suddenly shifted. A huge crowd stands around the room, laughing, eating, chatting and vibrating with the turns of the roller-coaster ride.
Alvy Singer:「It-it-it's the welcome-home party in nineteen forty-five, for my cousin Herbie.」


narrator:ADULT ALVY (Pointing) Look, look, there's-there's that one over there, that's Joey Nichols, he was my- (Young Alvy stands next to Joey Nichols, who's sitting in one of the easy chairs. They smile at each other; people and noise all around) -father's friend. He was always bothering me when I was a kid.
 JOEY Joey Nichols. (Laughing) See. Nichols. See, Nichols! (Joey shows young Alvy his cuff links and a tie pin, which are made from nickels, as Alvy stands with hands on hips, unconcerned.
 Joey then slaps his band to his forehead and puts a nickel on his forehead) Yuh see, nickels! You can always remember my name, just think of Joey Five Cents. (Laughing) That's me. Joey Five Cents!
 Joey grabs Alvy's cheeks and pinches them.
 YOUNG ALVY (Turning away) What an asshole!
 A group of women stands near a buffet table eating and listening to Alvy mother and her sister, Tessie, and a young girl, as the three friends watch.
ALVY'S MOTHER:「I was always the sister with good common sense. But Tessie was always the one with personality. When she was younger, they all wanted to marry Tessie.」
narrator:She touches Tessie's shoulder. Tessie starts to laugh.
 ADULT ALVY (Pointing, to Rob) Do you believe that, Max? Tessie Moskowitz had the personality. She's the life of the ghetto, no doubt.
ALVY'S MOTHER:「To the young girl) She was once a great beauty.」
narrator:Tessie nods her head "yes."
 ROB Tessie, they say you were the sister with personality.
 TESSIE (Addressing the young girl) I was a great beauty.
ROB:「Uh, how did this personality come about?」
narrator:TESSIE (Grabbing the young girl's cheek) I was very charming.
ROB:「There were many men interested in you?」
narrator:TESSIE (To the young girl) Oh, I was quite a lively dancer.
 Tessie gyrates back and forth imitating a dancer while Annie and the adult Alvy lean on each other laughing.
ROB:「Laughing) That's pretty hard to believe.」
narrator:EXT. STREET.
 Alvy and Annie walk contentedly down a street; Alvy's arm is draped around Annie. People walk by them on the street as they move toward their apartment building.
ANNIE:「Well, I had a really good day, you know that? It was just a real fine way to spend my birthday.」
narrator:ALVY Ah? Oh, well, your birthday's not till tomorrow, honey, I hate to tell yuh.
 ANNIE Yeah, but it's real close.
Alvy Singer:「Yeah, but no presents till midnight.」


ANNIE:「Laughing) Oh, darn it.」
narrator:INT. APARTMENT
 Annie and Alvy sit on the sofa. Annie's unwrapping a gift while Alvy watches.
ANNIE:「Making sounds) This is- (Making sounds) Huh?」
narrator:She pulls out flimsy black lingerie from the box.
Alvy Singer:「Happy birthday.」
ANNIE:「What is this? Is this a...Present? (Laughing) Are you kidding?」
Alvy Singer:「Yeah, hey, why don't yuh try it on?」
narrator:ANNIE Uh, yeah, uh ... t-t-this is more like a present for you, yeah, but it's-
 ALVY Try it ... it'll add years to our sex life.
ANNIE:「Looking up at Alvy and laughing) Uh huh. Yeah. Forget it.」
narrator:Alvy leans over and hands her another box as she puts down the lingerie.
 ALVY Here's a real present.
ANNIE:「Opening the gift) What... huh?」


narrator:ALVY
 Check it out.
 ANNIE Oh, yeah? What is this, anyway? (continuing) Let me see. Okay, let's... oooh, God! (She takes out a watch from the box) Oh, you knew I wanted this ... (Laughing) God, it's terrific, God!
Alvy Singer:「Making sounds) Yeah, I know. Just-just put on the watch, and-and ... that thing, and we'll just ...」
ANNIE:「Laughing) Oh! My God! (Making sounds)」
narrator:Alvy kisses Annie.
 INT. NIGHT CLUB.
 Annie, spotlighted onstage, stands in front of the microphone, smiling. She looks downward and sings "Seems Like Old Times. " The audience applauds loudly as the music fades out.
ANNIE:「Laughing) Thank you.」
narrator:Alvy sits at the bar, clapping and staring at Annie as she walks over to him and sits down. The low murmur of the night club is surrounding them.
Alvy Singer:「Reacting) You were-you were sensational. I mean, I-you know, I-I told yuh that if yuh stuck to it, you would be great, and-and, you know, I-I-you-you were sensational.」


narrator:ANNIE (Looking at Alvy, smiling) Yeah, well, we have the, I mean, they were just a terrific audience, I mean, you know, it makes it really easy for me, because I can be ... huh?
 Tony, a famous record personality, pushes through the crowd, moving toward Alvy and Annie. An entourage follows him as he makes his way to their table.
 TONY Excuse me.
 He shakes hands with Annie, smiling.
 ANNIE Oh.
 TONY Hi, I'm-I'm Tony Lacey.
ANNIE:「Well, hi!」
TONY:「Uh, we just wanted to stop by and say that we really enjoyed your sets.」
ANNIE:「Laughing) Oh, yeah, really, oh!」
TONY:「I though it was ... very musical, and I liked it a lot.」
ANNIE:「Oh, neat ... oh, that's very nice, gosh, thanks a lot.」
narrator:TONY Are you ... are you recording? Or do- Are you with any label now?
ANNIE:「Laughing) No, no, no, not at all.」
narrator:TONY
 Uh, well, I'd like to talk to you about that sometime, if you get a chance.
 Seated Alvy looks the other way, reacting.
 ANNIE Oh. What about?
 TONY
 ... of possibly working together.
 ANNIE (Looking for the first time at Alvy) Well, hey, that's, that's nice. Uh. Oh, listen, this is, uh, Alvy Singer.
 Do you know Alvy? Uh ... and ... uh ... Tony Lacey.
TONY:「No, I don't-I don't know, but I-I know your work. I'm a big fan of yours.」
narrator:Tony reaches over and shakes hands with Alvy. The nightclub crowd surrounds them all with their low chatter and cigarette smoke.
 ALVY Thank you very much. It's a pleasure.
TONY:「Turning to introduce his entourage) This is, uh, Shawn, and, uh ... Bob and Petronia.」
ANNIE:「Hi.」
narrator:ENTOURAGE Hi.
ANNIE:「Laughing) Hi, hi, Bob ...」
narrator:TONY Uh ... w-we're going back to the Pierre.
 We're staying at the Pierre ... and we're gonna meet Jack and Angelica, and have a drink there, and ... if you'd like to come, uh, we'd love to have you.
 ANNIE Yeah.
TONY:「And we could just sit and talk ... nothing.
 Uh, not a big deal, it's just relax, just be very mellow.」
narrator:Annie and Tony and his entourage turn to look at Alvy.
 ALVY (Fingers to his mouth, reacting) Remember, we had that thing.
ANNIE:「What thing?」
Alvy Singer:「Staring at Annie and clearing his throat) Don't you remember we-we-we discussed that thing that we were-」


narrator:ANNIE (Overlapping) Thing?
 ALVY (Overlapping) -yes, we had, uh ...
 ANNIE (Looking at Alvy, reacting) Oh, the thing! Oh, the thing ... (Laughing) ... yeah ... yeah.
 Annie turns, looks at Tony as he smiles and gestures with his hands.
 TONY Oh, well, I-if it's inconvenient, eh, we can't do it now ... that's fine, too. W-w-w-we'll do it another time.
ANNIE:「Hey-」
narrator:TONY Maybe if you're on the Coast, we'll get together and ... and we'll meet there.
 He shakes hands with Annie.
 ANNIE (Reacting) Oh.
TONY:「It was a wonderful set.」
narrator:ANNIE Oh, gosh.
 TONY (Smiling) I really enjoyed it. (Looking at Alvy) Nice to have metcha. Good night.
 ENTOURAGE Bye-bye.
 ANNIE Nice to see you ... bye. Yeah. Bye.
 She turns and looks at Alvy.
 ALVY (Reacting) What's ... you ... well, what's the matter, You w-wanna go to that party?
 ANNIE (Looking down at her hands, then up at Alvy) I don't know, I thought it might be kind of fun, you know what I mean, it'd be nice to meet some new people.
Alvy Singer:「Sighing) I'm just not ... you know, I don't think I could take a mellow eve- 'cause I-I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I-I have a tendency to ... if I get too mellow, I-I ripen and then rot. You know, and it's-it's not good for my ... (Making sounds)」


narrator:ANNIE All right, all right, you don't wanna go to the party, so uh, whatta you wanna do?
 INT. MOVIE THEATER.
 The screen is projecting the beginning of "The Sorrow and the Pity": a street filled with fleeing cars, belongings tied on top and piled in the back seats. Subtitles pop on:
 The Jewish warmongers and Parisian plutocrats tried to flee with their gold and jewels"
 as a narrator explains in German.
 CUT TO.
 Split screen: Annie and her psychiatrist on the left; Alvy and his on the right. Annie, talking, sits in a white molded chair, as does her doctor.
 The office is very modern: stark, white and chrome. Alvy, talking to his psychiatrist, lies on a deep leather sofa, the doctor seated away from him.
 This office looks more like a well-worn den: bookcases overflowing, dark wood. The dialogue is separated in each screen, though no one talks simultaneously.
ANNIE:「To her doctor) That day in Brooklyn was the last day I remember really having a great time.」
narrator:ALVY (To his doctor) Well, we never have any laughs anymore, is the problem.
 ANNIE Well, I've been moody and dissatisfied.
 ALVY'S PSYCHIATRIST How often do you sleep together?
 ANNIE'S PSYCHIATRIST Do you have sex often?
 ALVY Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.
 ANNIE Constantly! I'd say three times a week.
 Like the other night, Alvy wanted to have sex.
 ALVY She would not sleep with me the other night, you know, it's-
 ANNIE And ... I don't know ... I mean, six months ago I-I woulda done it. I woulda done it, just to please him.
 ALVY I mean ... I tried everything, you know, I-I-I put on soft music and my-my red light bulb, and ...
ANNIE:「But the thing is-I mean, since our discussions here, I feel I have a right to my own feelings. I think you woulda been happy because ... uh, uh, I really asserted myself.」
narrator:ALVY The incredible thing about it is, I'm paying for her analysis and she's making progress and I'm getting screwed.
 ANNIE I don't know, though, I feel so guilty because Alvy is paying for it, so, you know, so I do feel guilty if I don't go to bed with him. But if I do go to bed with him, it's like I'm going against my own feelings. I don't know I-I can't win.
 ALVY (Simultaneously, with Annie) You know ... it's getting expensive ...my analyst ... for her analyst. She- she's making progress and I'm not making any progress. Her progress is defeating my progress.
ANNIE:「Simultaneously, with Alvy) Sometimes I think-sometimes I think I should just live with a woman.」


narrator:CUT TO:
 INT. APARTMENT
 Alvy and Annie sit close together on the sofa in some friends' apartment. Their friends, another couple, stand behind the sofa in the background. Excited, they talk almost all at once.
 WOMAN FRIEND Wow, I don't believe it ... you mean to tell me you guys have never snorted coke?
 ANNIE Well, I always wanted to try, you know, but, uh, Alvy, uh ... he's very down on it.
 ALVY Hey, don't put it on me. You kn- Wh-what is it, I don't wanna put a wad of white powder in my nose 'cause the-the nasal membranes ...
 They all start talking at once.
 ANNIE You never wanna try anything new, Alvy.
 ALVY (Counting on his fingers) How can you say that? I mean, (Making sounds) who said I-I-I-I said that you, I and that girl from your acting class should sleep together in a threesome.
 ANNIE (Reacting) That's sick!
 ALVY Yeah, I know it's sick, but it's new.
 You know, you didn't say it couldn't be sick.
 Annie laughs, chatters.
 WOMAN FRIEND Just come on, Alvy. (All four are now sitting on the sofa. The male friend starts to prepare lines of cocaine; Alvy and Annie look at each other, reacting) Do your body a favor. Try it, come on.
 ALVY Oh, yeah?
ANNIE:「Yeah. Come on. It'd be fun.」
narrator:ALVY (Moving forward on the couch) Oh, I'm sure it's a lot of fun, 'cause the Incas did it, you know, and-and they-they-they were a million laughs.
 ANNIE (Laughing) Alvy, come on, for your own experience.
 I mean, you wanna write, why not?
 MALE FRIEND It's great stuff, Alvy. Friend of mine just brought it in from California.
 ANNIE Oh, do you know something-I didn't tell yuh, we're going to California next week.
 GIRL Oh, really?
 ANNIE Yeah ...
 ALVY
 ... I'm thrilled. As you know, uh ... uh, on my agent's advice I sold out, and I'm gonna do an appearance on TV.
 ANNIE (Interrupting) No, no, no that's not it at all. Alvy's giving an award on television. Gee, he talks like he's violating a moral issue sitting here.
 GIRL You're kidding?
 ALVY It's so phony, and we have to leave New York during Christmas week, which really kills me.
 MAN (Interrupting) Alvy, listen, while you're in California, could you possibly score some coke for me?
 Annie laughs.
 ALVY (Over Annie's laughter) Sure, sure, I'll be glad to. I-I'll just put it in a-a-a h-h-hollow heel that I have in my boot, you know. (Alvy picks up the small open gold case of cocaine base the man placed on the coffee table and looks at it, reacting) H-h-how much is this stuff?
 MAN It's about two thousand dollars an ounce.
 ANNIE God.


Alvy Singer:「Really? And what is the kick of it?
 Because I never ...」


narrator:CALIFORNIA. BEVERLY HILLS STREET-DAY
 It's a warm, beautiful day. Rob, Annie and Alvy in Rob's convertible are moving past the spacious houses, the palm trees. The sunlight reflects off the car. Annie, excited, is taking the whole place in. Background voices sing Christmas carols.
 VOICES (Singing) We wish you a Merry Christmas, We wish you a Merry Christmas, We wish you a Merry Christmas, And a -Happy New Year.
 ROB (Over the singing) I've never been so relaxed as I have been since I moved out here, Max. I want you to see my house. I live right next to Hugh Hefner's house, Max.
 He lets me use the Jacuzzi. And the women, Max, they're like the women in Playboy magazine, only they can move their arms and legs.
ANNIE:「Laughing) You know, I can't get over that this is really Beverly Hills.」
narrator:VOICES (Singing) We wish you a Merry Christmas, And a Happy New Year.
 ALVY Yeah, the architecture is really consistent, isn't it? French next to-
 VOICES (Singing over the dialogue) Oh, Christmas ... tree, Oh, Christmas tree, How bright and green Our ...
Alvy Singer:「Spanish, next to Tudor, next to Japanese.」


narrator:ANNIE God, it's so clean out here.
 ALVY It's that they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
 ROB Aw, come on, Max, give us a break, will yuh? It's Christmas.
 Annie starts snapping pictures of the view.
 ALVY Can you believe this is Christmas here?
 VOICES (Singing) Oh Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree ...
 They pass a large house with spacious lawn. Sitting on the lawn is a Santa Claus complete with sleigh and reindeer. Voices continue to sing Christmas carols; Annie continues to take pictures.
ANNIE:「You know, it was snowing-it was snowing and really gray in New York yesterday.」
narrator:ROB No kidding?
 ALVY Right-well, Santa Claus will have sunstroke.
 ROB Max, there's no crime, there's no mugging.
 ALVY There's no economic crime, you know, but there's-there's ritual, religious- cult murders, you know, there's wheat- germ killers out here.
 ROB While you're out here, Max, I want you to see some of my TV show. And we're invited to a big Christmas party.
 They continue driving, now in a less residential area, passing a hot-dog stand. "Tail-Pup" concession; people mill about eating hot dogs.
 VOICES (Singing, louder now) Remember Christ our Savior Was born on Christmas day To save us all ... from Satan's power As we were gone astray.
 They pass a theater, the marquee announcing "House of Exorcism Messiah of Evil. Rated R. Starts at 7:15."
 INT. TV CONTROL ROOM.
 Several monitors line the wall in front of an elaborate console. Rob and Alvy, along with Charlie, the technician, stand in the small room watching the screens showing Rob as a television star on a situation comedy. They chatter, analyzing the footage, over the sounds of the taped television comedy.
 ALVY (Overlapping the chatter) Oh.
 ROB Look, now, Charlie, give me a big laugh here.
 ROB ON TV SCREEN A limousine to the track breakdown?
ROB:「Watching) A little bigger.」
narrator:TV monitors go black as the technician turns of the monitors to fix the laugh track.
 ALVY Do you realize how immoral this all is?
ROB:「Max, I've got a hit series.」


narrator:ALVY Yeah, I know; but you're adding fake laughs.
 Technicians turn the monitors back on, showing Rob on the screen with another character, Arnie.
 ARNIE Oh, I'm sorry.
 ROB ON TV SCREEN Arnie.
 ARNIE Yeah.
 ROB (Turning to the technician) Give me a tremendous laugh here, Charlie.
 ALVY Look, uh ...
 Loud laughter from the TV monitors.
 ROB (To Alvy) We do the show live in front of an audience.
 ALVY Great, but nobody laughs at it 'cause your jokes aren't funny.
 ROB Yeah, well, that's why this machine is dynamite.
 ROB ON TV SCREEN You better lie down. You've been in the sun too long.
 ROB (To the technician) Yeah ... uh, now give me a like a medium-size chuckle here ... and then a big hand.
 The sounds of laughter and applause are heard from the TV.
Alvy Singer:「Removing his glasses and rubbing his face) Is there booing on there?」


narrator:The monitors show a woman on the screen.
 WOMAN We were just gonna fix you up with my cousin Dolores.
 ALVY (Overlapping the TV) Oh, Max, I don't feel well.
 ROB What's the matter?
 ALVY I don't know, I just got-I got very dizzy... (Coughing) I feel dizzy, Max.
 ROB Well, sit down.
 ALVY (Sitting down) Oh, Jesus.
 ROB You all right?
 ALVY I don't know, I mean, I-
 ROB (Crouching before Alvy, looking at him) You wanna lie down?
 ALVY No, no-my, you know, my stomach felt queasy all morning. I just started getting ...
 ROB How about a ginger ale?
 ALVY Oh, Max ... no, I maybe I better lie down.
 INT. HOTEL ROOM.
 Alvy lies in bed, one elbow propped up, a doctor sitting next to him looking concerned. The doctor bolds out a plate of chicken; Alvy listlessly stares at it. Annie, in the background, is on the phone.
 ANNIE (Talking into the phone) Yes.
 DOCTOR (Holding out the food) Why don't you just try to get a little of this down? This is just plain chicken.
Alvy Singer:「Taking a piece of chicken and holding it) Oh, oh, no, I can't-I can't eat this.
 I'm nauseous. (He gasps and makes sounds) If you could-if you could just give me something to get me through the next two hours, you know I-I have to go out to Burbank ... and give out an award on a TV show.」


narrator:ANNIE (On the phone, overlapping the doctor and Alvy) Well ... H-h huh ... Oh, good ... Yes, I'll tell him.
 DOCTOR Well, there's nothing wrong with you actually, so far as I can tell. I mean, you have no fever, no ... no symptoms of anything serious. You haven't been eating pork or shellfish.
 Annie bangs up and moves over to Alvy.
 ANNIE (Sitting on the edge of the bed) Excuse me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Doctor.
 Uh, Alvy-Alvy, that was the show. They said everything is fine. They found a replacement, so they're going to tape without you.
Alvy Singer:「Making sounds) I'm nauseous. (He sighs and gasps) Oh, jesus, now I don't get to do the TV show?」
narrator:Reacting, Alvy puts up his band in disgust, then starts eating the piece of chicken he has been holding. The doctor and Annie watch him, reacting.
ANNIE:「Yeah. Listen, Doctor, I'm worried.」


narrator:「DOCTOR Now, Mrs. Singer, I can't find anything --
 ALVY Christ!
 ANNIE Nothing at all?
 DOCTOR No, I think I can get a lab man up here.
 ALVY
 (Grabbing the rest of the chicken from the plate) Oh, jesus. Can I have the salt, please?
 ANNIE What do you mean? Do you think he's-
 DOCTOR (Handing the salt to Alvy) Yes, excuse me. (To Annie) Perhaps it would be even better if we took him to the hospital for a day or two.
 Alvy begins to eat.
 ANNIE Uh-huh ... Oh, hospital?
 DOCTOR Well, otherwise, there's no real way to tell what's going on.
 ALVY (Making sounds, gasping) This is not bad, actually.
 EXT. BEVERLY HILLS STREET RESIDENTIAL AREA - DAY
 Rob, Annie and Alvy in Rob's car pull into a long circular driveway as an attendant walks over to the car. A sprawling house is seen to the right; a couple moves toward the front door, and the driveway is crowded with other parked cars. Loud music is heard.
 ALVY (Getting out of the car) Hey, don't tell me we're gonna hafta walk from the car to the house. Geez, my feet haven't touched pavement since I reached Los Angeles.
 INT. HOUSE
 A Hollywood Christmas party is in session, complete with music, milling people, circulating waiters bolding out trays of drinks. It's all very casual. French doors run the entire width of one wall; they are opened to the back lawn, guests move from the room to outside and back in. It is crowded; bits of conversation and clinking glasses can be heard. Two men, California-tanned, stand by the French doors talking.
 ST MAN Well, you take a meeting with him, I'll take a meeting with you if you'll take a meeting with Freddy.
 ND MAN I took a meeting with Freddy. Freddy took a meeting with Charlie. You take a meeting with him.
 ST MAN All the good meetings are taken.
 CUT TO:
 FULL GROUP SHOT
 A man stands talking, people in groups behind him. Two born like gadgets are attached to his shoulders; he's wearing a bizarre space costume.
 RD MAN Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get money to make it into a concept ... and later turn it into an idea.
 CUT TO:
 Alvy and Rob stand near the French doors leading to the back lawn, eating and drinking and watching the people walking in and out of the house.
 ROB You like this house, Max?
 ALVY M'hm.
 ROB I even brought a road map to get us to the bathroom.
 ALVY Whee, you shoulda told me it was Tony Lacey's party.
 ROB What difference does that make?
 Alvy looks into the room, where Annie and Tony Lacey are having an animated conversation.
 ALVY I think he has a little thing for Annie.
 ROB Oh, no, no, that's bullshit, Max. He goes with that girl over there.
 ALVY Where?
 Rob nods his head toward a tall woman dressed all in white conversing with a group of people close-by.
 ROB The one with the V.P.L.
 ALVY V.P.L.?
 ROB Visible panty line. Max, she is gorgeous.
 ALVY Yeah, she's a ten, Max, and that's great for you because you're -you're used to twos, aren't you?
 ROB There are no twos, Max.
 ALVY Yeah, you're used to the kind with the- with the shopping bags walking through Central Park with the surgical masks on muttering.
 ROB M'hm.
 ALVY And ... uh-
 ROB (Interrupting) How do you like this couple, Max?
 A couple moves over toward Rob and Alvy. The man's arm is around the woman; they stand very close. In the background, Annie and Tony are still talking.
 ROB And I think they just came back from Masters and Johnson.
 ALVY Yeah, intensive care ward. (Watching the woman in white) My God-hey, Max, I think she's ... I think she's giving me the eye.
 As Rob and Alvy observe the guests, the woman in white starts walking toward them.
 ROB If she comes over here, Max, my brain is going to turn into guacamole.」


Alvy Singer:「I'll handle it. I'll handle it. Hi.」
narrator:GIRL IN WHITE
 You're Alvy Singer, right? Didn't we meet at EST?
 ALVY (Reacting) EST? No, no, I was never to est.
 GIRL IN WHITE Then how can you criticize it?
 ALVY Oh.
 ROB Oh, he-he didn't say anything.
 ALVY (Laughing) No, no, I came out here to get some shock therapy, but there was an energy crisis, so I ... He's my-my food taster.
 Have you two met?
ROB:「Shaking his head) Hi. How do you do.」
narrator:GIRL IN WHITE Do you taste to see if the food's poisoned?
Alvy Singer:「Yeah, he's crazy.」
narrator:The girl in white laughs.
 ALVY (Looking at Rob and the girl) Hey, you guys are wearin' white. It must be in the stars.
 ROB Yeah. Right.
 ALVY Uri Geller must be on the premises someplace.
 ROB We're gonna operate together.
 Rob and the girl walk of together as the camera moves in on Tony and Annie standing by the buffet table.
 TONY We just need about six weeks, in about six weeks we could cut a whole album.


ANNIE:「I don't know, this is strange to me, you know.」
TONY:「just ... that's all you need. You can come and stay here.」
ANNIE:「Oh.」
narrator:TONY There's a whole wing in this house.
 ANNIE (Laughing) Oh yeah, stay here? U-huh.
 TONY You can have it to use. Why-why are you smiling?
 ANNIE (Laughing) I don't know. I don't know.
 She picks up an hors doeuvre.
 CUT TO:
 The two men still talking about meetings surrounded by other groups of people milling about.
 ST MAN Not only is he a great agent, but he really gives good meetings.
 ND MAN
 M'mm.
 Tony, band in band with the girl in white, is leaving the party room with Alvy and Annie to show them the rest of the house.
 TONY This is a great house, really. Everything.
 Saunas, Jacuzzis, three tennis courts.
 You know who the original owners were?
 Nelson Eddy, then Legs Diamond. Then you know who lived here?
 ALVY Trigger.
 Annie and the girl in white laugh.
 TONY Charlie Chaplin.
 ALVY Hey.
 TONY Right before his un-American thing.
 They stop in a den-like screening room. A man is slouched back on one of the comfortable sofas that fill the room. It is much quieter in here; a contrast to the noise and crowd downstairs.
 ALVY Yeah, this place is great.
 ANNIE Yeah.
 TONY Uh, you guys are still-uh, you're still New Yorkers.
 ALVY
 Yeah, I love it there.
 ANNIE (Laughing) Yeah.
 TONY Well, I used to live there. I used to live there for years. You know, but it's gotten-it's so dirty now.
 ANNIE Yeah.
 ALVY I'm into garbage. It's my thing.
 ANNIE Boy, this is really a nice screening room. It's really a nice room.
 TONY Oh, and there's another thing about New York. See ... you-you wanna see a movie, you have to stand in a long line.
 ANNIE Yeah.
TONY:「It could be freezing, it could be raining.」
narrator:ANNIE Yeah.
TONY:「And here, you just-」
narrator:GIRL IN WHITE We saw "Grand Illusion" here last night.
 ALVY AND ANNIE (In unison) Oh, yeah?
 MAN ON THE SOFA (Looking over his shoulder at the group) That's a great film if you're high. (The group laughs, looking down at the man on the sofa. He looks up at them, smiling, a joint in his hand, and offers them a cigarette) Hey, you.
 TONY (Shaking his head no) Come and see our bedroom. We did a fantastic lighting job. Okay?
ANNIE:「Oh, good. Okay.」


narrator:「ALVY I'm cool.
 Tony and the girl in white leave the room, Annie and Alvy following.
 ANNIE (Taking Alvy's arm) It's wonderful. I mean, you know they just watch movies all day.
 ALVY Yeah, and gradually you get old and die.
 You know it's important to make a little effort once in a while.
 ANNIE Don't you think his girl friend's beautiful?
 ALVY Yeah, she's got a great-lookin' fa- A pat on the androgynous side. But it's...
 They pass a man talking on the phone in the hallway.
 MAN ON THE PHONE Yeah, yeah. I forgot my mantra.
 As they come down stairs the party is still in big gear. People are looser now; conversations are more animated, some talk quietly in more intimate corners, some couples are dancing. Alvy stands alone sipping a drink near the huge Christmas tree. A tall woman, passing by, shakes his hand, then leaves. He continues to sip his drink, alone, watching Tony and Annie in the center of the room dancing.
 The screen shows a plane in flight, Los Angeles far below, then:
 CUT TO:
 AIRPLANE. INT. AIRPLANE
 Annie and Alvy sit, the stewardess behind them serving other passengers. Annie stares out the window bolding a coffee cup; Alvy reads. Both are preoccupied, thinking their own thoughts.
 ANNIE'S VOICE-OVER (To herself) That was fun. I don't think California is bad at all. It's a drag coming home.
 ALVY'S VOICE-OVER (To himself) Lotta beautiful women. It was fun to flirt.
 ANNIE'S VOICE-OVER (As she sips coffee) I have to face facts. I-I adore Alvy, but our relationship doesn't seem to work anymore.
 ALVY'S VOICE-OVER (An open magazine lies in his lap) I'll have the usual trouble with Annie in bed tonight. Whatta I need this?
 ANNIE'S VOICE-OVER If only I had the nerve to break up, but it would really hurt him.
 ALVY'S VOICE-OVER If only I didn't feel guilty asking Annie to move out. It'd probably wreck her. But I should be honest.
 He looks over at Annie.
 ANNIE (Looking back at Alvy) Alvy, uh, let's face it. You know something, don't think our relationship is working.
 ALVY Tsch, I know. A relationship, I think, is-is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. (He sighs) And I think what we got on our hands (Clearing his throat) is a dead shark.
 INT. ALVY'S LIVING ROOM-DAY
 A lighted Christmas tree stands in the middle of boxes, books, and the general disarray of packing and figuring out what belongs to whom as Alvy helps Annie move out.
 ALVY (Holding up a book) Whose "Catcher in the Rye" is this?
 ANNIE (Walking into the room with an armload of books) Well, let's see now ... If it has my name on it, then I guess it's mine.
 ALVY (Reacting) Oh, it sure has ... You know, you wrote your name in all my books, 'cause you knew this day was gonna come.
 ANNIE (Putting down the books and flipping back her hair) Well, uh, Alvy, you wanted to break up just as much as I do.
 ALVY (Riffling through the books) There's no-no question in my mind. I think we're doing the mature thing, without any doubt.
 ANNIE (Holding a framed picture and moving about) Now, look, all the books on death and dying are yours and all the poetry books are mine.
 ALVY (Looking down at a book) This "Denial of Death". You remember this?
 ANNIE Oh-
 ALVY This is the first book that I got you.
 Annie goes over to Alvy. They both look down at the book; the fireplace, burning nicely, is behind them.
 ANNIE -God.
 ALVY Remember that day?
 ANNIE Right. Geez, I feel like there's a great weight off my back. M'mmm.
 ALVY Thanks, honey.
 ANNIE (Patting Alvy's shoulder) Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, you know, no, no, no, I mean, I think it's really important for us to explore new relationships and stuff like that.
 She walks away.
 ALVY There's no-there's no question about that, 'cause we've given this ... uh, uh, I think a more than fair shot, you know?
 He tosses the book into the carton.
 ANNIE (Off screen) Yeah, my analyst thinks this move is keen for me.
 ALVY (Off screen)
 Yeah, and I-I tru- you know, I trust her, because my-my analyst recommended her.
 ANNIE (Walking in with another armload of books) Well, why should I put you through all my moods and hang-ups anyway?
 ALVY Right. And you-and you know what the beauty part is?
 ANNIE What?
 ALVY (Holding a small box of buttons) We can always come back together again.
 Because there's no-there's no problem.
 'Cause ... Right.
 ANNIE (Overlapping) Exactly, but ... exactly. Ooooh!
 ALVY You know, I-I-I don't think many couples could handle this. You know, they could just break up and remain friends.
 ANNIE (Taking a button from a box) Hey, this one's mine, this button. This one, you rem-
 ALVY (Interrupting) Yeah.
 ANNIE I guess these are all yours. Impeach, uh, Eisenhower ... Impeach Nixon ... Impeach Lyndon Johnson ... Impeach Ronald Reagan.
 EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET-DAY
 People milling about on the sidewalk as Alvy walks out of a store and moves toward the foreground.
 ALVY (Into the camera, to the audience) I miss Annie. I made a terrible mistake.
 A couple, walking down the street, stops as the man talks to Alvy.
 MAN ON THE STREET She's living in Los Angeles with Tony Lacey.
 ALVY Oh, yeah? Well, if she is, then the hell with her! If she likes that lifestyle, let her live there! He's a jerk, for one thing.
 MAN ON THE STREET He graduated Harvard.」


Alvy Singer:「Yeah. He may- Listen, Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.」


narrator:「The couple strolls away as an older woman walks up to Alvy while others walk by.
 OLD WOMAN Don't tell me you're jealous?
 ALVY Yeah, jealous. A little bit like Medea. Lemme, lemme-can I show you something, lady? (He takes a small item from his pocket to show the woman) What I have here ... I found this in the apartment. Black soap. She used to wash her face eight hundred times a day with black soap. Don't ask me why.
 OLD WOMAN Well, why don't you go out with other women?
 ALVY Well, I-I tried, but it's, uh, you know, it's very depressing.
 RECENT FLASHBACK - INT. ALVY'S COUNTRY KITCHEN
 Alvy's arms and legs fill the screen as he slowly gets up from the floor bolding up a live lobster. He puts it on a grill tray.
 ALVY (Pointing to the lobster) This always happens to me. Quick, g-go get a broom.
 His date, a girl wearing short shorts, leans against the sink and lights a cigarette. She makes no move to help.
 GIRL DATE (Smoking) What are you making such a big deal about? (As she talks, the lobster drops from the tray to the floor. Alvy jumps away, then gingerly scrapes the tray toward the lobster) They're only lobsters. Look, you're a grown man, you know how to pick up a lobster.
 ALVY (Looking up in stooped-over position) I'm not myself since I stopped smoking.
 GIRL DATE (Still leaning against the sink, her hand on her hip) Oh, when'd you quit smoking?
 He gets up of the floor with the lobster on the tray.
 ALVY Sixteen years ago.
 GIRL DATE (Puzzled) Whatta you mean?
 ALVY (Mocking) Mean?
 GIRL DATE You stopped smoking sixteen years ago, is that what you said? Oh, I-I don't understand. Are you joking, or what?
 CUT TO:
 A solitary Alvy walking along the FDR Drive where he had walked with Annie. - The New York skyline is still in the background, the sea gulls go by, the fog horn blows. He walks slowly, moving off screen.
 INT. ALVY'S BEDROOM - DAY
 Alvy sits on his bed talking on the phone.
 ALVY Listen, honey, Central Park's turning green ... Yeah, I sa-I saw that lunatic that we-where we used to see ... with the, uh, uh, pinwheel hat and, you know, and the roller skates? . . . Listen, I-I want you to come back here ... Well, I-I-then I'm gonna come out there and getcha.
 CUT TO:
 An airborne plane.
 CUT TO:
 EXT. LOS ANGELES AIRPORT.
 People milling about as Alvy, in the outside phone-booth center, talks.
 ALVY Whatta you mean, where am I? Where do- where do you think I am? I'm-I'm out ... I'm at the Los Angeles Airport.
 I flew in ... (Sniffling) Tsch, I-well, I flew in to see you ... (Muttering) Hey, listen, can we not debate this on-on the telephone because I'm, you know, I-I feel that I got a temperature and I'm-I'm getting my-my chronic Los Angeles nausea. I-I don't feel so good.
 Alvy's conversation is still heard as the screen shows him behind the wheel of a car on a busy street; he causes a near-accident by jerking the car too slowly toward an intersection.
 ALVY'S VOICE-OVER Well, where-wherever you wanna meet, I don't care. I'll-I'll drive in. I rented a car I'm driving ... that ... Whatta you mean? What-why is that such a miracle? I'm driving myself --
 EXT. OUTDOOR CAF - DAY
 People sit at umbrellaed tables with checkered tablecloths at a Sunset Boulevard outdoor cafe. Street traffic goes by while they dine. There's a mild California breeze. The restaurant is somewhat crowded as Alvy makes his way around the tables looking about. He finally sits down at an empty table; nearby sits a woman with a younger man. A waitress brings Alvy a menu and waits for his order.」


Alvy Singer:「To the waitress) I'm gonna...I'm gonna have the alfalfa sprouts and, uh, a plate of mashed yeast.」


narrator:「Annie, wearing a flowered dress and wide hat, moves into view. Alvy, noticing her, watches as she walks over to his table. He rises and they shake hands.
 ANNIE Hi.
 Alvy wipes at his nose as he stares. He smiles, the street traffic moving behind him. Annie smiles back.
 ALVY You look very pretty.
 ANNIE Oh, no, I just lost a little weight, that's all. (Alvy adjusts his glasses, not exactly knowing where to start;
 a bit uneasy) Well, you look nice.
 ALVY (Nodding his head) You see, I-I've been thinking about it and I think that we should get married.
 ANNIE (Adjusting her sunglasses) Oh, Alvy, come on.
 ALVY Why? You wanna live out here all year?
 It's like living in Munchkin Land.
 ANNIE (Looking around) Well, whatta you mean? I mean, it's perfectly fine out here. I mean, Tony's very nice and, uh, well, I meet people and I go to parties and-and we play tennis.
 I mean, that's ... that's a very big step for me, you know? I mean ... (Reacting, Alvy looks down at his hands, then up) I'm able to enjoy people more.
 ALVY (Sadly) So whatta you ... You're not gonna come back to New York?
 ANNIE (Smiling) What's so great about New York? I mean, it's a dying city. You read "Death in Venice."
 ALVY Hey, you didn't read "Death in Venice" till I bought it for yuh.
 ANNIE That's right, that's right. (Still smiling) You only gave me books with the word "death" in the titles.
 ALVY (Nodding his head and gesturing) That's right, 'cause it's an important issue.
 ANNIE Alvy, you're incapable of enjoying life, you know that? I mean, your life is New York City. You're just this person.
 You're like this island unto yourself.
 ALVY (Toying with his car keys) I can't enjoy anything unless I ... unless everybody is. I-you know, if one guy is starving someplace, that's ... you know, I-I ... it puts a crimp in my evening. (Looking down at his hands, sadly) So wanna get married or what?
 ANNIE (Seriously) No. We're friends. I wanna remain friends.
 ALVY (In disbelief) Okay. (Louder, to the waitress) Check, please. Can I -can I ... Can I ... Can I ...
 ANNIE (Interrupting) You're mad, aren't you?
 ALVY (Shaking his head) No. (Then nodding) Yes, of course I'm mad, because you love me, I know that.
 ANNIE Alvy, I can't say that that's true at this point in my life. I really just can't say that that's true. I mean, you know how wonderful you are. I mean, you know ... you're the reason that I got outta my room and that I was able to sing, and-and-and, you know, get more in touch with my feelings and all that crap. Anyway, look, I don't wanna- Listen, listen, listen, uh (Laughing) h'h, so whatta you up to anyway, huh?」


Alvy Singer:「Shrugging his shoulders) The usual, you know. Uh, tryin't'write. I'm workin' on a play. (Sighing) Jesus. So whatta yuh saying? That you're not comin' back to New York with me?」
narrator:He nods his head in disbelief.
 ANNIE (Nodding) No! (Pauses) Look, I gotta go.
 She starts to rise.
 ALVY You mean that ... (He gets up and starts following her past diners at other tables) I-I-I-I flew three thousand miles to see you.
 ANNIE I'm late.
 ALVY Air miles, you know. I mean, you know what that does to my stomach?
 They move down the steps of the cafe' toward the parking lot.
 ANNIE If you must know, it's a hectic time for Tony. The Grammys are tonight.
 ALVY The what?
 ANNIE The Grammys. He's got a lotta records up for awards.
 ALVY You mean they give awards for that kind o' music?
ANNIE:「Oh!」
narrator:ALVY I thought just earplugs.
 Annie gets into her car. Alvy moves over to his rented convertible.
 ANNIE Just forget it, Alvy, okay? Let's just forget the conversation.
 She closes the door, starts the motor.


Alvy Singer:「Yelling after her) Awards! They do nothing but give out awards! I can't believe it. Greatest, greatest fascist dictator, Adolf Hitler!」