diff --git "a/train.csv" "b/train.csv" new file mode 100644--- /dev/null +++ "b/train.csv" @@ -0,0 +1,52001 @@ +"question","response" +"I asked my priest how he gets holy water","He said it’s just regular water, he just boils the hell out of it" +"Life Hack: If you play My Chemical Romance loud enough in your yard","your grass will cut itself" +"OMG. SISTERS. JAMES. CHARLES. IS. DOING. A","GIVEAWAY his career" +"Why did Mr. Potato Head get pulled over","He was baked" +"On zombie cravings. My kids and i had some fun with these on a car trip this past weekend. What do zombie plumbers crave. Draaaaains. What do zombie pilots crave. Planes. Plaaaanes. What do zombie conductors crave. Traaaains. What do zombie opthalmologists crave. Fraaames. What do zombie construction workers crave. Craaanes. What do zombie nurses crave. Paaains. What do vampires crave","Blood" +"My wife is really mad at the fact that. I have no sense of direction. So","I packed up my stuff and right" +"My dad made a joke in court. In court he had to prove that he had a relationship with his father by answering some questions about him. He was asked how his dad liked to have his pie. He replied with well with fork or spoon I would think","The judge laughed" +"Back when. I was in a band. I had a roadie that was from. Poland. I also had a","Czech one too, czech one too" +"How did the Mexican John Wick taste his Burrito","He took Juan Lick" +"My wife said, “Why do you always insist on walking ahead of the rest of us. ” I said, “Sorry","I don’t follow" +"What do you call it when a pig loses its memory","Hamnesia" +"I was reading a book on the History of Glue earlier","I couldn't put it down" +"My slow cooker. (x post /r/funny) http://i. imgur. com/osGKwl5","jpg" +"My GFs Dad commented on my Facebook Pic http://imgur","com/sTv7AMC" +"How did the programmer get high","By doing lines of code" +"Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle. Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question","dogs can't whistle" +"Why are feet so great","Because they are living legends" +"What did the black duck call the white ducks","Quackas" +"Little did. Trump know before he became","President... ." +"Learn from your parents mistakes","Use birth control" +"We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit","I guess the pervert thinks of them as sex cymbals" +"What goes 99 bonk","A centipede with a wooden leg" +"I was starting to get concerned that my pony was having trouble neighing. Then","I realized it’s probably because he’s just a little horse" +"If money doesn't grow on trees","then why do banks have branches" +"I showed. Reddit to my gf, now she hangs here all day long","I kinda regreddit..." +"The other day I was second guessing my decision to book time to visit a Native American community","It was a reservation reservation reservation" +"Do you know where I store all these dad jokes","In my dadabase" +"A pirate walks into a bar wearing a turban made out of paper towels. Bartender: What the hell","Pirate: Arrr, there is a Bounty on me head" +"Grandpa hit me with this one while we were hoeing around some trees. We were cutting out some weeds and the handle of his favorite hoe broke in two pieces. He said Oh man that was my favorite hoe. At least I've still got your grandmother","Good one grandpa" +"To the person who stole my glasses. Remember,","I have contacts" +"Why do you measure a snake in inches","Because they don’t have any feet" +"Last night I dreamt that I was a muffler on a car","Woke up exhausted" +"And everybody's invited. Taking a shit. Daughter and dog come storming through the door and want to hang out in the bathroom. Mom asks what's going on","It's a real shit show in here" +"“I’ll call you later. ” “Please don’t do that","I’ve always asked you to call me Dad" +"Yesterday. I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. My doctor says. I'm okay, but. I feel like","I've dyed a little inside." +"I had a job interview at the zoo yesterday They didn't hire me","They said I was underkoalafied" +"I got some good tips on how to spice my roast chicken I guess you could say it was","sage advice" +"What do kids learn at pirate school","The three arrrs" +"If he doesn't appreciate your fruit jokes","You need to let that mango" +"Remember when air at the gas station used to be free. Now it costs 25 cents, 50 cents, I've even seen a dollar at one place. You know why they started charging for it","Inflation" +"I had a joke about alzheimers. But","I forgot the punchline" +"I had a dream I was a car","I woke up exhausted" +"Everytime we are at a restaurant. Waiter/waitress: sir how would you like your (eggs, burger, ect). Dad: orally please","Still cracks me up every time" +"Heh. http://i. imgur. com/PB7NuVc","jpg" +"How do you comfort a frightened grammar nazi","There there, they're there" +"Dad joked by a girl graduating to become a labor and delivery nurse","Her graduation cap read: L&D nurse, at your cervix" +"I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side. I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me","And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them" +"My daughter had asked me what a Steakhouse was . My response was Of course, it's a house made of steaks. Except the floor of course. That's made of ground beef","Heard the wife's eyes roll from across the room" +"How do you know if there's ducks in your roof","There's quacks in the ceiling" +"How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator in three steps. Open the refrigerator door 2. Put the elephant in 3","Close the refrigerator door" +"My grandfather sat me down for a talk. He put his hand on my shoulder and solemnly said, Guess who's back. Who","Yours" +"What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass","Lawn-Forcement" +"Whats the best thing about free wigs","You don't have toupee for them" +"The furniture store won’t stop calling me","All I wanted was one night stand" +"How bad does my kids want to watch Shaun the Sheep","Really Ba-a-a-a-a-ad" +"The bartender said We don't serve time travelers here","A time traveler walks into a bar" +"Me: Did you hear Reese ‘whats-her-name’ stabbed somebody. Kids: Witherspoon","Me: No, with a knife" +"How do you find Will Smith in the snow","You look for fresh prints" +"What do you call Dracula with hayfever","The pollen count" +"How do you catch a mag fish","With a magnet" +"A pun walks into a room and kills ten people","Pun in, ten dead" +"I went golfing and I brought two pairs of socks","In case I get a hole in one" +"I sat at the park for 3 hours today just staring at a frog","It was ribbiting" +"You know what’s odd","Every other number" +"This hipster got upset when his man bun was cut off","He really lost his cool" +"What kinds of bird never has babies","A swallow" +"Got dad joked hard while shopping yesterday My dad and I go up to the cash register at a clothing store to pay for some shorts. My dad asks the cashier Do you take chips","(Credit card chip readers) Without hesitation the cashier goes Yes sir and we have salsa to go with that and holds up a fresh jar of salsa from behind the register" +"A man with 2 left feet walks into a shoe store and asks","Do you sell flip flips" +"What’s a communist’s favorite unit of time","Hours" +"My girlfriend makes costumes for my university's drama department. One day I asked her. Is something wrong","You seamstressed" +"Where can you read about planets exploding","In the orbituaries" +"What do you call the first Hawaiian in space","A Coconaut" +"Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road","It got stuck in a crack" +"My doctors name is Peter Parker","But I just call him Web MD" +"A fruit fly lands on my iPhone. I shoo it away and it keeps coming back. Me: this fruit fly won't leave my phone alone. It keeps coming back","Boyfriend: Well, it is an apple" +"When my family went to France I made sure we avoided the Eiffel tower because I was afraid it would suck our blood","It is a Paris site" +"What do you call a fake noodle","An impasta" +"Don't spell part backwards","It's a trap" +"My dad just dropped this on my sister. Sister:. Dammit my computer keeps freezing. Dad: put a little sweater on it. Then her and","I let out groans" +"I was running a bath the other day and had to pop to the kitchen quickly, my gf shouted after me: Don't leave the bath running","I shouted back at her: Don't worry; it won't get very far" +"How do you know how heavy a chili pepper is","Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now" +"Don't throw sodium chloride at people","That's a salt" +"When the nurses ask me how tall. I am. I tell them 5’10. I used to be taller but","I got married and settled down." +"What's a dog's least favorite Christmas song","Fleas Navidad" +"What does a Norse god do when they don’t want to attract attention","They stay low key (Loki)" +"One of us is possessed by an owl Son: who","Me: found it" +"My biology teacher asked What's heavier, the Indian or African elephant","I said The elephant obviously" +"My friend glued both his hands to his pistols. Everyone told him it was a bad idea, but he insisted they were all wrong","He's sticking to his guns" +"I was playing Trivia Crack, and I (jokingly) asked out loud which state Philadelphia is in","My dad said decay" +"What do you call a dog with no legs","Doesn’t matter, he won’t come when he’s called anyway" +"Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head. When","I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature." +"I admit to everyone on here that. I have a masterbation addiction","It’s cumpulsive" +"Customer at work paid with $100 bill and ask for his change in smaller bills","Sorry sir, all the bills are the same size" +"One of my kitchen gadgets is randomly playing classical music. I think it’s the","Chopin board." +"Customer contemplates buying a cord and then says: Don't know if it'll work but might as well take a shot","Lincoln did" +"Conjunctivitis","com Now that's a site for sore eyes" +"What do your call a campground you just drove by","Past tents" +"How did the hot dog ask out his crush","He mustard up the courage" +"Why was Yoda afraid of seven","Because six, seven eight" +"What is a birds favourite port on the back of a TV","AV in" +"What did the waitress say to the man who wouldn't stop staring at her while she refilled his glass","Take a pitcher, it'll last longer" +"My daughter told me her ear was bothering her","So I asked if it was ear-itated" +"What do you call a sleep walking nun","A roamin’ Catholic" +"True dad encounter at the shops Shop assistant: sir do you have a smaller bill. Dad: no but you can rip that one in half","" +"Drilling for oil","is boring" +"Made a customer groan tonight. A man and his wife came up to the counter and he placed down a hunting magazine he wanted to buy. She scoffed at it and said at least it isn't a girly magazine. I replied, Well, she is a Fox. She just shook her head and groaned while the husband gave me a silent nod of approval","The cover of the magazine was a fox" +"Both my ex and I were born in July She said I was a crab","I said she was cancer" +"I dated a one legged girl who worked at the brewery","She was in charge of the hops" +"Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia","Me: Wait, I can explain everything" +"In my opinion more people should write more jokes about frisbee's","Discus" +"I had a friend who always said","I put the sexy in dyslexic" +"I finally read that book on clocks","It was about time" +"Son: Where are my sunglasses. Dad: I don't know. where are my dadglasses","Courtesy of my dad, from just a few minutes ago" +"Geese fly in a V-formation for aerodynamics, and when the lead goose gets tired he switches out his position. But one side of the V is almost always longer than the other. Do you know why","More geese on that side" +"Wy don't anteaters get sick. Beasuse they are full of anti-bodies",":)" +"GOAT. So. I asked a goat how she's doing and she said","Mehhhh." +"Why did the captain hate his boat's anchor","It was a piece of ship" +"What did Obama say when Canada's prime minister insults him","Tru tho" +"My dad was watching a Western and I walked in Me: so Clint Eastwood is in this movie. Dad: Yes. Me: Ah, whats he doing in this movie","Dad: Acting" +"Son: “I know dad, 6 is afraid cause 7, 8, 9. Haha /s” Dad: “But do you know why 7 ate 9. ” Son:","Dad: “Because you’re supposed to eat 3 square meals a day" +"HP Dadjoke Imagine if Sirius got married and has a kid and they were arguing and his kid was like 'Are you serious. ' and he's be so torn. What dad joke does he make. 'Why yes I am Sirius' or 'No I'm not serius, I am dad'. Which one. Which one would he make","I found this on the internet today and it was too funny not to share" +"When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, “The Sky’s the Limit","” He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut" +"Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it","It's half empty" +"My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction","So I packed up my stuff and right" +"I just screamed at a well-bronzed man at the beach","Sorry for going off on a tan gent" +"While walking through the corn maze today my son got us The three year old was asking him where he was, and the eight year old said- I am standing at the corner. Get it. Corn-er","Little bastard is on point" +"My neighbor said he's too scared to grow an apple tree","I told him to grow a pear" +"What did the 0 say to the 10","Where did you find the one" +"Why are teddy bears never hungry","Because they’re always stuffed" +"A gravedigger exhumed Beethoven's casket. He opened the lid and there was Ludwig. maddenly erasing sheets of his greatest works. Just as I thought. said the gravedigger","He's decomposing" +"They say you are what you eat","Can anyone give me a list of foods classified as rich?" +"Dad joked my girl friend about her Brazilian wax She was talking to me about getting a Brazilian wax done. Her: This place only uses hard wax, which I found interesting. Sometimes they use hard and soft wax too. Me: I guess there is more than one way to skin a cat. I received the best response a dadjoke can get","The Facepalm" +"What do you call it when your salad is taken over by bread","A crou d'ton" +"Why doesn't Barbie ever get pregnant","Because Ken comes in another box" +"The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time. was 19 years ago","*source: dad*" +"Wife: I haven't seen you use the bathroom all week Me: No shit","I'm constipated" +"What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe","Roberto" +"My girlfriend asked me how I slept last night","Lying down with my eyes closed" +"Dad, are we pyromaniacs","Yes, we arson" +"Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed","Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA" +"My daughter has learnt well My 8 year old came home from school and on the car trip home Daughter: mum I bet I can make you say black Wife: oh really. Daughter: what color is that car Wife: Blue. Daughter: And that tree. Wife: Brown Daughter: told you I could make you say brown Wife: no you said black","I have never been more proud" +"From another 7 year old; my son laid this one on me last night and I'd never heard it. Why did the cyclops quit teaching","Because he only had one pupil" +"My brother broke three toes playing soccer. Mom is driving to the hospital and Dad is sitting in the back trying to calm my brother down. Dad: Can't you drive faster","There's trouble afoot" +"I told my mum about how I fixed my computer","I made my motherboard" +"The ending of Game of Thrones makes sense, think about it. Arya went west, Jon went north, Drogon went east, and the show went south","Thank you and goodnight" +"Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling","His cyst-er" +"The other day I held the door open for a clown","I thought it was a nice jester" +"Why doesn't Thor keep his hammer by his chest","Because that's where his thorax is" +"Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season","They fast during Lent" +"I rear ended a car with a Jesus bumper sticker on it","I stopped in the name of the Lord" +"My chiropractor started talking politics today. He was trying to see which way","I was leaning" +"I was born straight out of Compton","Compton just happens to be my mother's maiden name" +"What did the horses say when their friend dressed up","You look dashing" +"Should I tell a chemistry joke","- Na - K" +"How do you dehydrate your grapes faster","By raisin the roof" +"A friend of my Father had owed him money for a while He mentioned that because of him he's changed his policy, and always gets paid ahead. A head","And I thought an arm and a leg was bad" +"On my first day as a pilot, I looked down nervously and asked: “What are all these buttons for","” And my copilot responded: “They keep your shirt closed”" +"What did the horse say when it fell","help I've fallen and I can't giddyup" +"If you could pay someone with chicken","It would be chicken tender" +"The reason midget doctors are always angry","Is because they have very little patients" +"Hear about the disease that wiped out the shellfish beds","It was a clamity" +"Toasters","Invented popup notification" +"What were the founding father's favorite cereals","Chex and Balance" +"Why do birds fly south for the winter","Because it's too far to walk" +"RIP boiling water","You will be mist" +"Sister: My ears keep ringing","Dad: Well, why don't you answer them" +"A bunch of Dads lined up and patiently waited 7 days for a drink","Apparently they're okay with a week punch line" +"What did the fruit seller do when his grapes dried out","He started raisin his prices" +"My dad got so mad when the cow crushed his foot and it had to be amputated","He's so lactoes intolerant" +"What animal is shaped like a square","A squarrel" +"Today my mom turns 53, and it's tradition that my dad fills the kitchen with posters before she wakes up, wishing her a happy birthday. This year's were some of his worst (best) work. http://imgur","com/a/1qKYz" +"I was fired from the keyboard factory today","I wasn't putting in enough shifts" +"Did you know lumberjacks are into classical music","They're really into Chopin" +"Why was the duck killed and eaten for spying on others. Probably cos it was a","Peking duck" +"What time does Roger Federer go to bed","Tennish" +"At my brother's gf's house talking about their recent trip to Malta (they're maltese) the mum: Yeah, it's not like melbourne there, where here you see chinese shops, indian shops, greek shops etc","there, it's all maltese me: oh I dont know, I've found Malta to be very Malta-cultural Noone took notice of it, but my brother looked back at me as if to say you sly dog, you" +"A future dad in the making (x-post from /r/funny) From the [original post](http://www. reddit. com/r/funny/comments/2yl394/my_3_year_old_made_me_run_up_the_stairs_after/) title: > My 3 year old made me run up the stairs after yelling, Dada. There's a sea of water on the counter. [I see what you did there, kid. ](http://i. imgur. com/cYRVDLb","jpg)" +"I was shoveling the snow off the driveway with my son today","He said, Dad, can't you just use a shovel" +"Toilet paper So I was sitting on the couch with my dad, and we are watching a toilet paper commercial, he says which hand do you wipe your ass with I say my right hand he says huh, that's weird, I use toilet paper","*sigh*" +"How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb. Two","One to screw it in most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end" +"Why did Snoop Dogg bring his umbrella outside","Fo drizzle" +"a termite walked into a bar and asked","is the bartender here" +"What is the difference between a cat and a comma. One has claws at the end of its paws","The other is a pause at the end of a clause" +"Why does Waldo wear stripes","Because he doesn't wanna be spotted" +"I️ used to work at a calendar factory. I️ got fired because","I️ took a couple days off" +"Got the server, fiancee groaned Went out for dinner with some friends. They got the table before us, so we join them. Server comes by and says, Oh you have some new faces It's only new to you, I've had this face for a while","Fiancee put her face in her hands and groaned" +"What do you call a sad coffee","A depresso" +"Bee keepers have the prettiest eyes","Because beauty is in the eye of the bee holder" +"Why do Carpenters make good Chiropractors","They already know a lot about lumbar" +"At least twice a week, someone will confuse me with. Stephen. King’s son,Joe. I’m not","Joking." +"I was on a safari in Africa when one of the tourists asked our guide, “Is it difficult to spot cheetahs","” He said, “No, they usually come that way" +"We were watching a documentary on prisons. The documentary mentioned how some inmates try to sneak in cell phones by sticking it up their butt. Without hesitation I responded with I bet you they get crappy reception. then my wife gave out the longest sigh","I think I'm getting the hang of this" +"Just got my friend with a classic Did you get a haircut. Yeah, well I actually got a whole bunch of them cut","You know I've killed people for less than that" +"While I was cooking for my kids today, I cut my finger chopping cheese","but I think that I may have grater problems" +"If the Red Cross did an orchestral fundraising event","They could call it The Big Band Aid" +"My husband and kids are upset that. I put pepper on their pizza","They really loved that guinea pig." +"My dad keeps telling jokes about his eyes","They're getting cornea and cornea" +"This Happened Today at Dinner \*sister takes out the trash but doesn't replace the trash bag\* Dad: hey do you have a whole butt. Sister: \*blinks\* what. Dad: do you have a whole butt. or do you have a half butt. Sister: uh I am pretty sure a whole butt","Dad: \*points to trashcan\* then why did you half ass the job" +"I purchased a dog from the blacksmith today","As soon as a got him home he made a bolt for the door" +"I wasn't sure how to re-build our fence when it started sagging. So","I checked r/dadjokes, to see how other people repost" +"You'll never have a more reliable friend than a calculator","You can always count on them" +"I just had to breakup with my cross eyed girlfriend","She was seeing other people" +"If you are attacking clowns","Go for the juggler" +"Dad: You look cold, son","Try standing in the corner They are usually around 90 degrees" +"Why did the cowboy get a dachshund","Someone told him to get a long little doggie" +"Just got my roommate. She said I don't know how to spell in spanish to herself mostly, but loud enough for me to say Well you start with. I-N then follow with. S-P-A-N-I-S-H . Now","I'm a target for a hit squad." +"You know when you see birds flying together in a “V” shape there’s always one side of the V that’s longer. Do you know why that is","There’s more birds on that side" +"The shoebox We were picking out photos for our uncles funeral, and my aunt was bringing in boxes of pictures. My brother looks up and says, Wow. Are those all pictures, even the shoebox. My dad looks up from his laptop and replies with: No. The shoebox is just a shoebox","There are pictures inside of it though" +"Rick. Astley. Will. Lend. You. Any. Pixar. Movie. But he's. Never. Gonna. Give. You","Up." +"What do you call a cow with no legs","Ground Beef" +"A three legged dog from the wild west walks into a bar and looks around The bar tender looks a him and says who are you looking for","to which the dog replies I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw" +"Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees","Because they're very good at it" +"Got the GF while camping this weekend She was complaining about our lack of firewood despite having gathered some not too long ago","I hit her with Yea we really are burning through it and got booed out of the tent" +"What do sea monsters eat for dinner","Fish and ships" +"I asked my wife what smelled so good in the kitchen. As I was grabbing a plate, she said, It's nacho casserole. I hung the plate behind my side and lamented, If it's not my casserole, what am I supposed to eat. She started to tell me to eat some of the casserole, but stopped and rolled her eyes at me","I frickin got'er good, fellas" +"A quick knock knock joke Me: Knock knock Reddit: Who's there. Me: Wu Reddit: Wu, who","Me: Woohoo, it's my blue triangle day" +"I can't seem to grow oats or barley, or spelt in the mountains where I live. I guess it's true what they say","No plains no grains" +"What is your favorite dad joke. My personal favorite is: Hey did you hear about the guy who got his whole left side cut off. Oh, don't worry. He's all right now. It lets you add a lot of different flare, especially if you're looking at your phone and you make it sound like a news story or something. So what's your favorite dad joke. EDIT: Thank you everyone, I've gotten a good chuckle out of all of these. It's been a rough couple of days, but these all cheered me up. I'm going to be recycling them. My girlfriend eyes are gonna be rolling overtime tonight","I'd feel sorry, but my girlfriend probably doesn't want me feeling anyone but her" +"Mum [to dog]:. Hey handsome. Dad \[from kitchen\]:","Yeah?" +"The last 4 letters of “queue” aren’t silent","They’re waiting for their turn" +"Why did the two punsters get a divorce","I reckon syllable differences" +"Why are 15 year olds weird","Because 15 is an odd year" +"It's lucky to be me I bought 20 bees at the pet store but they put an extra one in the bag","They said keep it, it's a freebie" +"What do you call it when boss man on a movie-set farts loud and long","Extended release, director's cut" +"Dating as a trash collector is hard. Whenever","I say I wanna take you out they always get insulted" +"Why was the Lego man sick","He had a BLOCKED NOSE" +"My friend used to circumsise people for a living. I said: that can't pay too well , and he responded the salary isn't amazing","But I get to keep the tips" +"I put a piece of wood in my garage and came back the next day and there were two pieces. The day after 4 and the day after that 8","It was multi-ply wood" +"Why was Hitler blind to the fact that German defeat was inevitable","Because he was a not-see" +"What do fish stress about the most","Current events" +"A. Texan and a. Mexican walk into a bar and order a beer. Bartender to the the. Texan:. That will be $5. Bartender to the. Mexican:. That will be $3. The. Texan, upset, asks why the same beer cost less for the. Mexican. The. Bartender replies, Señor","Discount" +"What do you call a dog that can do magic","A Labracadabrador" +"What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones","A barkeologist" +"My wife and I drove past a store called Sav Mor I said to her, That sounds too hard","I'd prefer to save more with ease" +"Why should you never touch an electric fence","Because it hertz." +"Kim Kardashian says that bees frighten her","I bet the rest of the alphabet does too" +"Two beetles run into each other in a week old baguette One says to the other, 'I thought I was the only beetle around these parts. Where are you from. ' The other responds, 'Who, me","I was born in bread right here" +"So my Dad an I went to a drag race yesterday After the race he said Well that was pretty straight forward","EDIT:Well, at least this wasn't a drag of a thread" +"Dadjoked while watching The Last Stand My dad and I were watching The Last Stand which features a scene where two cars are driving through a cornfield and ears of corn are piling up on the windshields","So during this scene my dad says, I liked this movie but it just got really corny" +"What’s the deal with the perpetually sad man whose time machine broke after it landed him in the Grand Canyon in 1936","He was stuck in a great depression" +"LPT: A quick and easy way to make money is to take pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes","It’s like shooting fish in apparel" +"What do hospital gowns and insurance have in common","You think you're covered, but, you're not" +"Why can’t some car tires perform","They’re under too much pressure" +"How did. Jesus pay for our sins","He used praypal" +"What are Mario's dungerees made from","Den-im Den-im Den-im" +"I cut my fingers off cutting cheese. I think","I have grater problems" +"To the guy that keeps hacking my. Reddit account,. I will find you, and. I will kill you","Edit : no u wont" +"Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear","you can hear the OSHA" +"I was digging in our garden when. I found a chest full of gold coins and was about to run straight home to tell my wife. Then. I remembered why","I was digging the hole in the first place." +"Did you hear about the match theif","He strikes again" +"I buy my guns from a T-Rex","He's a small arms dealer" +"My teacher is a dad. Me: Sir did you have a haircut. **Teacher:** No, actually, I had several hairs cut","Cue hysterical laughter, groans and chuckles from the class" +"Did you know that ancient Greeks would shave their heads before the Olympics to run faster","Modern historians call it balderdash" +"My friends grandfather asked Me if I wanted to see a picture of his pride and joy When I said yes he pulled a picture of the cleaning products pride and joy","The man carries these pictures in his wallet at all times" +"A guy walks into his therapist's office naked, except for some saran wrap around his middle","The shrink looks up at the guy and says Well, I can clearly see your nuts" +"How do employees of a Middle Eastern grocery store answer the phone","Halal" +"Perfect Eyesight Dad: Wow, it's already 2014. Heck, in six years, everybody will have perfect eyesight. Me: Why's that","Dad: It'll be 2020" +"You'll never hear a. Psychiatrist urinate","The pee is silent" +"How do skeletons get high","They use marrow-juana" +"A magician was walking down the street when all of a sudden he turned into","A grocery store" +"Why does a chicken coop have two doors","Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan" +"My friend with a cocaine addiction recently quit","It was the end of the line for him" +"How do you catch a drummer","You put out a snare" +"What do you call real bacon","Genuswine" +"It’s only a murder of crows","If there’s probable caws" +"What do you call seagulls that fly over a bay","Bagels" +"Despite modern trends, my wife, Christine, took my name when we were married","I'm still getting used to calling her David" +"I told my dad he should go see an optometrist","He told me that he doesn't see himself going to one" +"Dadjoked the girlfriend twice in the past day She's from Michigan and she said I really miss Michigan so I replied would you say you. Missigan to which she punched my arm Today I told her that I bought a new shirt and she said I wanna see","so I replied I didn't know you were blind and she made this face :l while I cracked up" +"What do you call an artistic piece of furniture","A drawer" +"My dad's arsenal of DadJokes. If someone asks him if he is alright: No, I'm half left too. ___________________ At a restaurant: Server: Hi, My name is Julie, I'll be taking care of you today Dad: Hi, My name is Cane-Dewey's Dad, I'll be sitting here today ___________________ Someone asks him: How are you. Dad: If I was any better, I'd be twins. ___________________ And that's about it. That's his arsenal","I've heard these a million times at this point, and they are just now starting to get funny" +"How long did Cain beat his brother","As long as he was Abel" +"I went to 3 different stores trying to find some paper towels","I guess you could call me a Bounty hunter" +"Why couldn’t the duck cross the road","Because he got his foot stuck in a quack" +"Indiana. Jones is afraid of snakes","I guess he suffers from a reptile dysfunction." +"I used to be a youth offender","Until they revoked my teaching license" +"Where am I gonna be in 2 years. I don’t know","I don’t have 2020 vision" +"To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you","You have my Word" +"What do you call an owl magician","Hoodini" +"What do you call a clown who likes to save money","Pennywise" +"What's the coolest band in the world","Arctic monkey's" +"I lost my mood ring yesterday. I’m not sure how","I feel about it" +"I had a blacksmith make me a fake","ID today it was a forgery." +"I think my wife is changing my son’s diaper too often","The box says they are good for up to 14 pounds" +"Apparently “Game. Of. Thrones” made a cereal. They call it. Raisin","Bran." +"Dad found alive after seven seconds lost in the himalayas. Peak","Kaboo" +"My girlfriend really got me with this one","A restraining order" +"If I have heard it once I have heard it 1000 times. Dad's best friend: Train just came through here Me: How do you know. Dad's best friend: I can still see the tracks","*insert groan here*" +"I made salmon for dinner last night. Girlfriend: I can't eat this it tastes funny. Me: Are you sure. I'm certain the label said salmon and not clown fish","*Cue groans and eye rolling*" +"Got my Fiance, Can't wait to be a father. While discussing where we want to honeymoon she says: Fiance: I just want to go somewhere with a body of water","Me: Well lucky for you, I'm 60% water" +"I was trying to make pancake batter… …but I couldn't find any whisks. I had just recently moved into a new house with my room mate and I wasn't sure what utensils we had between the two of us. I texted her and asked, Do we have any whisks here","Or is that just whiskful thinking" +"While watching Criminal Minds. Me and my dad were watching Criminal Minds, and it showed a woman talking on her cell phone, and she got shot in the head and the bullet went through the phone","And my dad said wow he really called the shot" +"Why don’t ghosts run races","Because they always come dead last" +"My boyfriend's response to the TheRockxSiri commercial. Boyfriend: So how many kids does The Rock have. Me: Two. B: Both daughters, or is one a son. M: Both daughters. B: He should have another kid so that he can have a boy and take a family photo, where it's the boy, his two daughters, and then him standing on the end. 'Cause you know what he'd be then. M: What. B: Third Rock from the son","He's sleeping outside tonight" +"A rancher with only 95 cattle managed to get 100 into the pen","All he had to do was round them up" +"Pianos. I told my sister I'm about to go on vacation to learn piano. She asked if I could afford it, and I said no. But don't worry, I'll be Bach. She didn't get it",":\" +"My dad, at MIA, looking at early jade artwork","The artist must have been very jaded" +"What did the sweet potato philosopher say","I think, therefore I yam" +"My dad is into fitness. One thing I heard a lot growing up was steaks and shakes. You wanna get big","Steaks and shakes which has inspired me to work on a movie with a similar title Its about a vampire hunter with Parkinsons I'll call it Stakes and Shakes" +"How does a Bull Frog say farewell","Ribbeye" +"My friend got me the other day. The other day I was shopping with my friend and I saw that a bag of pears was $9 and decided that was too expensive","He told me that the price was for two bags and when I looked at the sign to verify, he pointed out that it was for a pear" +"During a conversation about the tallest structures. Friend: I think the tallest is that building in Dubai. Me: In Dubai. Friend: Yeah, but I heard it's still under construction. Me: Really. Well, do you know when it's due by","Friend:" +"Gift Shopping with the Wife My wife and I were out shopping, and stumped on what to get for my brother and sister-in-law. Wife: Maybe they'd like a berry bowl","Me: I don't know, they might find that gift un-berry-bowl" +"Came in from doing yardwork, sweaty and hot Said to my father, It's hot out there. He said, The sun must be out. I said, The son is out, trimming trees with the mom","Eyes rolled" +"Dad joked while watching Superbad. I made the mistake of watching Superbad with my parents in high school","Once we were maybe 10-15 minutes in my dad shut it off and said this: That movie was super bad" +"My actual dad just laid this on me Dad: You know how birds fly in V's. Me: Yeah of course Dad: Do you know why one side is always longer than the other. Me: No. Why","Dad: Because there are more birds on that side of course" +"You're allowed to say guys, lunch is on me and not pay. How","Just spill some of your food on your lap" +"Met a girl last night whose parents didn't let her watch The Simpsons when she was younger","I asked if her parents were Homerphobic" +"What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle","Attire" +"I was fixing my car with my son. He said","I should just use my tools instead" +"Infamous Second Father, Dad just got me in the car. Was explaining Infamous to dad and mentioned the main character went to Seattle. I finished explaining the story and he replies: Oh good . They all lived happily ever after. Now whos Attle anyway. What do you mean. I replied Well the main character went to See Attle you said","He shone with pride" +"What do you call the money a hooker makes","Incum" +"Why was the bird optimistic. Because it was a pelican not a pelican't. Tried that on my wife, her sister, and my nieces on a ferry today","Got one laugh and two eye rolls that probably affected the rotation of the Earth" +"This guy made it to dad status before he was even a dad [x-post /r/funny] [this guy](http://imgur","com/0ZrWDpQ)" +"The neighborhood dogs always come up to the tree in my backyard","It's covered in bark" +"Doctor, I can't feel my legs. Doctor: I know","We amputated your arms" +"Why did Hitler need glasses","Because he could Nazi a single thing" +"Going deaf. Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf","I haven’t heard from him since" +"I asked my buddy how his bathroom was coming along Buddy - just dug a hole in the concrete with out any problems Me - nice, looks like it cement to be Buddy - *blank stare* you should be a dad so your 'dad jokes' can just be 'jokes' That was a couple weeks ago, so this past weekend I asked how it was going. Buddy - just finished laying the tile down. Me - awesome, I grout you'll have any problems here on out","Buddy - get out of my house" +"Why move to Switzerland","Well, the flag is a plus" +"I bought my friends an elephant for their room. They said thanks","I said don't mention it" +"To be frank","I'd have to change my name" +"I had a problem with my students saying good when I asked them how they are doing","I guess you can say I taught them *well*" +"I joined a club for people with. Tourettes. Syndrome","It took me 4 hours to get sworn in" +"What did the cat say when he got kicked out of the house","Why are you kicking mewo t" +"If the stork is the bird of birth, what's the bird of birth control","A swallow" +"I hope I passed history As those who fail history are doomed to repeat it","Credit goes to /u/Tehrasha who is a dad" +"What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms","One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year" +"I became friends with a stone, and he drowned","It was a shame, because I was very attached to him" +"Got the window replacement guy yesterday Window Guy: Once we get a delivery date from the factory, we'll call you to set up an install time. We like to shoot for 4-5 days after delivery","My Response: So you'll call and give me a window" +"Daughter saw her math teacher We were out and it went down like this. Her: oh it is my math teacher. Me: oh cool. Her: I thought I recognized her but I wasn't sure Me : and then you put 2 and 2 together","Her : omg dad" +"Dad Jokes for Mothers Day http://imgur","com/Lphk8Ai" +"What do you call a snake in charge of the philharmonic orchestra","A boa conductor" +"Tennis dad joke that I finally understand I go out and play tennis with my dad once a week. Tennis scoring goes love, 15, 30, 40. Every time he says the score at the beginning of a game he yells, Hippies. instead of Love all","And I just now understood it" +"Just bought a new lounge","Sofa, so good" +"Shanghai. No","He's sober" +"Mom walked right into that one. While researching gift ideas for my nieces and nephew; my mom texts me and asks, What's the difference between an Xbox 360 and an Xbox One","About 359" +"I wanted to try a new. Middle. Eastern vegetarian diet","But to be honest it just made me falafel." +"He says things like this all the time Sitting in my parent's living room with my wife, she just got some new TOMS shoes with sheet music on them. Dad: *Walks into living room and stares at wife's shoes* Wife: What are you staring at. *laughs* Dad: Oh sorry, I was just. noting","your shoes" +"Did you guys hear about the big birdwatching event tonight","Supposedly there was a superb owl" +"I made friends with a pot of water, but my wife just used him to boil spaghetti","He will be mist." +"I live with a bunch of loonies Roommate is eating some tortilla chips called Santitas Me: Oh, sanitary chips, that's some clean eating Roommate: No, they're sanitarium chips","Me: In that case, they must be *crazy good*" +"This got no love over in AskReddit, but figured fellow DadJokers might enjoy http://www. reddit. com/r/AskReddit/comments/309261/whats_the_hardest_english_word_to_pronounce/cpqrd1a Q: What's the hardest English word to pronounce. A: No, what's not even close to being the hardest word to pronounce","Sheesh" +"Well","That's a deep subject" +"The best date ever. I'm a female and my dad asked what I was doing this past Saturday night. Me: I'm going to see that movie Lone Survivor with Mark Wahlberg. Dad: Wow. You got a date with Marky Mark","I'm impressed" +"How did the Wright brothers come up with the first airplane","They didn't just pull it out of thin air" +"How does the sun say hi to the moon","With a heat wave" +"My girlfriend just asked me this I just opened a beer and she didn't know it was a screw cap. Her: Did you open that with your bare hands. Me: No I just used my normal human ones","It took her a while to understand what I said" +"Got my girlfriend asking her to carry me I was reading the relationships ask reddit thread and read some to my SO. I came across a comment saying Don't look for a girl you want to treat like a princess, look for a girl you want to treat like a partner. Its very true. I don't mind carrying my SO, but I need to know she can carry me if I feel down. She looked at me and said can I carry you sometimes. And I said of course you can, sometimes I don't like walking","She glared at me and then proceeded to get off the bed" +"I found a snake that was exactly 3","14 meters long I think it was a Pi-thon" +"What kind of milk do lactose intolerant Christians drink","Amen milk" +"My father used this on me in '93. I hope my girlfriend will forgive me. http://i. imgur. com/MIR1SPo","png" +"What do you call a factory that makes average products","A satisfactory." +"I accidentally overdosed on viagra yesterday","Hardest day of my life" +"I discovered a locomotive that never lies","I call it the true true train" +"When I was a kid, I wanted to be a photographer","But it didn't develop" +"Lucifer, the gorgeous fallen angel. [X-post /r/tumblr] http://i. imgur. com/fmGslhx","jpg" +"I once asked the Queen of Spain about her husband's surprising sex routines","she laughed and said: No-one expects the Spanish King's position" +"Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France","They were cooked in Greece" +"Toilet trouble Me: Dad, the toilet won't flush again Dad: Ahh","its such a shitty toilet He is right though" +"What’s Forrest Gump’s Reddit name","1Forrest1" +"Dadjoked my fiance Going through the English alphabetic phonetics and she blanks on U and says U for unicorn. Me: No. U for Uniform. Her: Why can't U be a unicorn. Me: Because I was born a human being babe","Her: *Rolls eyes and pulls the finger*" +"Got my sister with a tailgate pun Me: Are you sure you want me to drop you off to tailgate in the rain like this. Her: Yeah it's fine, we have a canopy. Me: Ugh, that doesn't sound very good","A whole can" +"Dad was accused of ruining a family portrait","But he swore he was framed." +"The cat jumped into my lap tonight and I told my wife that it has a favorite side to be pet on","The outside" +"What's the difference between a cat and a comma","One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause" +"i'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet","I just don't know why" +"Where do poor Italians live","In the spa-ghetto" +"Took one for the team Gf: I really want to go to one of those ice bars Me: I heard those are really cool. Gf: well we're going then","Couldn't resist it and now I'm Going to an ice bar in the middle of winter in New England" +"My dad dropped this at the dinner table on. New. Year's. Day *Looks at watch*,","I can't believe it's 20:16 already!" +"I was wondering why the baseball grew bigger and bigger,","Then it hit me" +"It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad","It's a faux pa" +"Caught a couple dudes beating up a little kid , so I stepped in to help","Little bastard didn’t stand a chance against the three of us" +"Yesterday I saw a guy spill allhis scrabble letters on tge road","I asked him, What's the word on the street" +"I couldn't duck this one. My parents were over last night, and I was in the process of curing some duck breasts for Christmas. I was trimming the skin when my dad walked over. What are you doing there, son. Curing this duck. I don't know if you can cure it. It looks dead to me. Dammit, dad","Flawless execution" +"Dad joked the waitress Waitress is taking our order. Dad: I'd like a rubber band sandwich","And make it snappy" +"What's one vegetable you should NEVER bring on a boat. LEEKS","(my 10yo told me this - he said he thought it up himself" +"What do you call a bad Italian neighborhood","A spa-ghetto" +"Mom's trying to back out of a space I'm in the back seat and she says, I can't see what's behind me. It's me, mom. I replied","Much glaring ensued" +"Restaurant owner got dadjoked at dinner last night After dinner the owner of the restaurant at which we were eating came up to the table and asked how we found the service. My dad didn't hesitate before answering I dunno, they just kinda came up to the table with the doofiest smile on his face","Gotta love him" +"My Buddhist friend accidentally swallowed a Scrabble tile","It was really hard for him to find his inner piece" +"So I was playing tennis with my Dad It was super windy, and we had decided to play outside. Me - This is pretty awful tennis weather, Dad","Dad - Yeah, the wind really blows" +"Since we're on China jokes. If you spin a China Man around fast enough","does he get disoriented" +"I was in orchestra class And the teacher found a spring on the ground. He twisted it so it looked like the corner of a square, and said 'Spring is right around the corner","' Sorry if this is the wrong sub to post it in, I just found it worthy of this sub" +"Bladder Infection","Urine trouble" +"90s Eurodance group Technotronic recently bought a factory that manufactures all types of fruit preserves However, there was an issue with getting the preserves into the packaging phase as the manufacturing plant was downstairs and the bottling machinery was upstairs. After carefully reviewing the process, the group settled on a solution","They decided to Pump Up The Jam" +"Which cheese is made backwards","Edam" +"My 66 year old father had an unprompted dad joke today. http://m. imgur","com/hFfPDa9" +"How do raisin’s leave the house","By raisin the roof" +"A string walks into a bar. The bartender says We don't serve strings in this bar. So the string walks out, ruffles his hair a bit, and walks back in. He sits down and crosses his legs as the bartender says I thought I told you we don't serve strings in this bar","The string replies I'm a frayed knot" +"Dad, I think I need new glasses Dad: When's the last time you got your eyes checked. Daughter: Last month, but I haven't had new glasses since high school. I need new glasses. Dad: Maybe that's something you should look into","Daughter:" +"When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French” after a swear word","I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French" +"Two very hungry men were wandering the desert when they see a bacon tree. One runs up to eat the bacon, when all of the sudden he starts getting shot at from out of nowhere. He yells to his friend, watch out. It's not a bacon tree. It's a hambush","*Borrowed from a friend who is very much dad material" +"Old man and I have entered a new realm I've never been close with my dad, but he got me good this morning. My band got a short review online, and the first image is another band's picture of shirtless, tattooed dudes. Dad (sarcastically): Is that you guys, half-naked and tattooed up. Me: Ha, yeah that's us. Nobody's ever noticed till now","Dad: I know, I *barely* even recognized you" +"What is the cure for a gluten allergy","The anti-dough" +"What do you call a place wherein all of the dirtiest jobs in the world are reflected","A Mike Rowe-cosm" +"Killin the game Mom: we have a reservation at 6:15 at Scratch Bar","Dad: I have an itch, so looking forward to it" +"What did the priest shout at the salad bar","LETTUCE PRAY" +"My wife gave birth to our boy while. I was driving her to the hospital. We named him","Carson" +"I have a fear of speed bumps","Im slowly getting over it" +"Just rescued a dog from a retired blacksmith","First thing he did when we got him home was make a bolt for the door" +"Endgame Spoilers Endgame Spoilers","At the end of the film Tony says I am Ironman His line should have been Hi Inevitable, I'm a Dad" +"If only my daughter were old enough to understand her eyes would have been rolling. My daughter is almosr 3. She has a mirror with a princess crown around it. She was playing with the mirror and putting it on her head. Daughter: Look daddy, my crown is so beautiful. Me: It is so beautiful. It's so beautiful I can almost see myself wearing it","Not my greatest, but I thought it was funny" +"My friend came up with a dad-worthy idea for a game. http://imgur","com/Q2aH0e1" +"Got a good one on my wife today I was pushing our two year old along the street in her push chair and let an s-bomb slip by accident. My wife says, don't talk like that in front of our daughter","It's fine, I'm walking behind her" +"The mountains aren't just funny, they're","Hill areas" +"I love making puns","It's so rewording." +"Why did the coffee get in trouble","Because it was NotTea" +"I asked my son if he was hungry. Then","I gave him a mallet and a quarter, and said here’s a quarter pounder" +"To the person who stole my glasses","I can still drink from the bottle" +"A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke","Thank goodness it was a soft drink" +"A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants. The bartender says, Hey, you've got a steering wheel on your pants. The pirate says, Arrrr, I know","It's driving me nuts" +"I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning","So I called in slick for work today" +"What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce","Chicken Caesar salad" +"Schrodinger’s cat recently went on a deadly crime spree","He is wanted dead and alive" +"In my defence I was super tired this morning and definitely not prepared for being dad-joked at 6am. I had just entered the kitchen and my dad was about to go out the front door, when he suddenly turned to me and simply said pussy . Me: for what. Dad: Pussy. Me: I don't get it. And THEN HE JUST WALKED AWAY giggling like he always does, and slammed the door","My last words were just echoing in my head after the complete silence he'd left me in, which made it so much more embarrassing" +"My girlfriend is turning 32 soon. I've told her not to get her hopes up. After all, I say, we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute. When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, This is your thirty-second birthday. For the life of me, I can't figure why doesn't think this is hilarious. I keep making sure to remind her of it every time we are around new people","Hopefully if she hears the joke enough she will start to appreciate it" +"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer","I have no clue what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day" +"It's time for your martial arts class, son","Son: But, I don't even take won do" +"I think my brother is ready for kids. Everyone's freaking out that Matt Damon is bourne again, who cares what his religion is","He's just an actor" +"What do you call a russian cow","Moscow" +"What happens if you were attacked by Pikachu's lightning","You'd turn into *Ash*" +"What’s a cow’s favorite cheese","MOO-zzarella" +"My girlfriend told me that a very thick letter had arrived for me. I replied, 'of course it's thick","Envelopes and pieces of paper do not tend to have a very high IQ'" +"At first,. I didn't like my new haircut too much","But after a while, it started to grow on me." +"So I reached a low point today. https://imgur","com/a/UCghi" +"My wife asked ifI could spell Mississippi","I said the river or the state" +"My friend is weirdly addicted to taking blurry pictures of him in the shower","He has serious selfie steam issues" +"Where do you see yourself in five years. Probably my bathroom","That's where I keep my mirror" +"Got me Taco Bell. http://imgur","com/kJMuEEy" +"I couldn't afford the trip to. Hawaii","I had to put it on leiaway" +"Did you know that Abraham Lincoln was wrongly accused","Turns out he was in a cent" +"My wife warned me not to steal the kitchen utensils","But it’s a whisk I’m willing to take" +"Don't join dangerous cults","Practice safe sects" +"What’s the worst part about racist jokes","Once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal" +"Dad Anti-joke This happened 20 years ago but it always stuck with me. My parents were leaving and the babysitter was there. She could hear the cat scratching in the litter box and said Uh Oh. looks like Tiger is digging for gold. Dad says Well I doubt she will find any gold in there Mom says Oh, did you clean the litter box today","Dad says No, I just think it is unlikely that she finds any gold in there" +"I'm addicted to oxygen","I tried to stop, but within a minute I was feeling blue" +"Gave my blind friend a cheese grater","He said it was the most violent story he's ever read" +"I'm a beekeeper. My 10yo son just got stung so I told him he's now part of the club. I asked if it was a good club. No he said","It bites" +"My kids were arguing about what to watch on Netflix, so I started yelling, “Vodka. Tequila. Whiskey","” “In this house, I call the shots" +"My boyfriend got me at the grocery store with this one We were in the produce section and a few leeks fell out of their display on to the floor. SO: Look","They're leeking" +"If a child refuses to go to sleep Is he resisting a rest","No, he's avoiding a kid napping" +"What did 2 tell 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot","Don’t worry about him, he’s just a product of our times" +"Why did the can crusher quit his job","It was soda pressing" +"What is a DJs favorite vegetable","A turnip" +"What do astronauts say when they want to end their relationships","I need some space" +"Kid who sits next to me in math class caught me off guard The guy who sits next to me in calc was staring intently at his lemonade bottle and he says, This says it's not from concentrate","We'll see how long that lasts" +"How did you perceive this joke","You reddit" +"I lost my wife’s audiobook","and now I’ll never hear the end of it" +"I am in class, with a map of France in front of me. So I turn to my neighbour and say: It's been Toulon since we talked. Him: Don't. Me: And I just don't want Toulouse touch. Him: Please stop","Me: Nevers" +"My wife told me that men in camouflage look really sexy","I just don’t see it" +"I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto","His look was pasty" +"Dadjoked by dad when cleaning our computers Me: Do you know if we have any compressed air around so I can clean out our computers. Dad: There's a can of Raid here, but that probably wouldn't work too well. Me: Yeah probably not. Dad: BUT YOU WOULDN'T HAVE ANY BUGS IN YOUR SYSTEM","I didn't even cringe I just laughed out loud because it was so good" +"I left the general store empty handed","I was looking for something specific" +"Why haven't the communists taken over yet","They're just *Stalin*" +"My keyboard fell apart today","I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything" +"While dining out my SO and I were talking about the demeanors of the various animals we eat. Her: Are cows nice. Me: Of course they are","That's why we tip them" +"My Freud loving friend keeps insisting that a pencil is a phallic symbol","I said, “No, but a pen is" +"Why was six afraid of seven","Because seven was a registered six offender" +"Why are fish easy to weigh","Because they have their own scales" +"7 YO daughter got me with this one today. What animal is best at closing holes","Seal EDIT: Both Mum and I groaned, but I told her I was incredibly proud of her" +"What do you call a Mexican midget","A paragraph, because hes too short to be an essay" +"They're finally making a movie called Clocks","It's about time" +"It's been awhile, folks","I haven't posted ALL YEAR" +"I've been using an ointment recently","Let that soak in for a minute" +"Dad joked the New Years Resolution-ers at work A few of the new trainees approached me at work today and told me how part of their (and probably every other American's) New Years Resolutions were to get in better shape. They proceeded to ask me if I knew any gyms in the area","Naturally I responded, No, but I know a few James's Groaning ensued" +"I was fired from my job when I asked a customer if they wanted smoking or non-smoking","Apparently the correct terms are cremation or burial" +"When someone gets a migraine","Tell them, Don't worry it's only in your head" +"Being a teacher requires patience I was at a restaurant with a friend and my girlfriend yesterday for an early dinner and we started discussing the difficulties of being a teacher. My friend then said i just don't have the patience to be a teacher. I hesitated for a second, out of cowardice, but then replied with teachers have students, not patients. There were lots of cringes. My girlfriend actually laughed and then said aloud that she hated herself for doing so. I think she's a keeper",":)" +"Why do skunks love Valentine’s Day","Because they’re scent-imental creatures" +"Nock nock. Who's there","Bow string" +"I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine","It probably puts a strain on the staff" +"I made a great joke at the mandatory meeting today","You had to be there" +"There is a tragic story of two melons and their forbidden love","Their families found out and kept them apart and now they cantaloupe" +"Dad joked my buddy on a school report We were editing our report for a school project when my buddy tells me he can't spell today. Without missing a beat I reply, It's easy: t-o-d-a-y","His scowl was priceless" +"Why do bartenders have problems expressing their feelings","Because they're all bottled up" +"My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much","I told them, Just you wait" +"What's a Pirates Favorite . Dad: what's a Pirates favorite crime. Me: uh . Dad: ARRRRson. What's a Pirates favorite type of socks. Me: I don't know dad. Dad: ARRRRgyle. What's a Pirates favorite branch of the military. Me: *rolling eyes* it's the ARRRRmy. Dad: *acting confused* No, it's the Navy. Why on earth would they like the army better","Hopefully not a repost but I very clearly remember getting caught by this one and stuttering with no response" +"Christmas Present http://d2me59s95dy7e. cloudfront. net/mobile/cartoons/2d/ea/00/99/368151efbfe34d8593c1c080716986c0","jpg" +"My friend said my jumper is camouflage. But","I can't see it" +"When talking about why Santa doesn't have any kids. Girl: why doesn't Santa have kids","Me: his wife already went through menoclause Girl: *groans*" +"Dad, can you do my math homework for me. No son, it wouldn't be right","Well, at least you could try" +"When my dad was quizing me on Geography: Which US state is round on the sides and high in the middle","OHIO" +"Light travels faster than sound","This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak" +"Man, I really love furniture","Me and my recliner go way back" +"What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday","AYE MATEY" +"I love. Clarence","He always has the best sales." +"Two for one special on cat puns My mom was a single mother so I guess she gets to make Dad jokes. She sent me the following: > I was petting the cat and because of the cold dry air I was getting a lot of tiny shocks off her fur","I told [brother] this should be called catic electricity (he groaned) and then later I wondered if static electrikitty would be better" +"What do you call an engineer working away from home","An engi*far*" +"My husband: Look at this mind-blowing machine I found in the bathroom. http://imgur","com/gallery/LVgGlW7 My eyes nearly rolled out of my head" +"I get upset whenever I hear a, e, i, o, or u","Turns out I have Irritable Vowel Syndrome" +"I had a bad dream about. Sir. Lancelot","It was a knightmare" +"My friends keep telling me bird jokes","Toucan play at that game" +"Why did the stadium get hot after the game","Because all the fans left" +"When is a car not a car","When it turns into a driveway" +"My friend. Gavin died of heartburn the other day. I can’t believe","Gaviscon" +"(Got this one from my 4 year old) how do you make a tissue dance. Put a little boogie in it","Never been more proud" +"Why did the plane die","It had a terminal illness" +"[NSFW] I just finished my book about having sex with clocks","My publisher said it's about fucking time" +"Conditioner My wife was giving our four year old a bath, and she mentioned that I don't always use the tangerine conditioner on her hair. Wife: Daddy needs to use the conditioner every time her washes your hair. Daughter: Conditioner is made from oranges. They make it from the juice. Me: Yup. They make it from the Jews. That's why conditioner had such a holi cost","Wife: Why did I marry you" +"I didn't even look up from my desk. Dropped this on a co-worker just now. Them: . yeah and why do we even have to pay for air at the gas stations, we never used to. Me: Well it's due to inflation. I am confident I've seen this joke on reddit before, just happy I was able to execute it as good as possible. I got tingly when the conversation was heading this way and she dropped the perfect setup line","Grateful I've seen it before, pass it on and use it wisely" +"What do you call the boom operator on a movie set","Mike" +"So I ask my dad if he's ever smoked weed. His response. Just once","From 1969-1978" +"My son joined a group of people that are sexually attracted to young horses","I'm worried he may be in a colt" +"Everyday that he asks me Son: dad what time is it","Me: looks up daytime" +"I dadjoked myself in Reno I was in Reno/Sparks the other day and I was walking around the Victorian Plaza near the Nugget Hotel. For people who have never been, many things are named after this plaza, including a salon and several other businesses. Anyway, I walked past a motel called Victorian Inn , and I thought Why not just call it Victori-inn So I called my girlfriend to tell her and she stayed silent for a few seconds and just said No. Just no","Well I thought it was pretty clever" +"My dog named Minton just ate a shuttlecock","Bad Minton" +"Keanu Reeves lost all the April Fools Jokes. Luckily he found the May tricks","(oc unless someone else thought of it already, in which case I'm 22yrs too late as usual)" +"My boss said my math skills are average","That's just mean" +"Why was the teddy bear never hungry","Because he’s always stuffed" +"I just can't seem to find today","4/04" +"My son is gonna be a great. Dad. Sitting at the dinner table my son(4), says to my other younger son(3), I'm not hungry,. I'm tired . To which my youngest replies without skipping a beat, Hi tired,. I'm. Dylan","I could cry......." +"My dad thought of a pun and took a picture of himself acting it out. http://i. imgur. com/wrddoRN. jpg I posted this to r/funny a while back but figure it's a dad joke too","He says his jokes are like paper, tearrrrable" +"Its all in the name I told my dad I had a friend with the last name Case","He replied, do they have a brother named Justin" +"Deja Vu While spending time with my parents in law, my father in law asks my wife, Ever get deja vu. No. Ever get deja vu. Oh my god. Ever get deja vu. Whoa","deja vu" +"I just read a list of 100 Things To Do Before You Die and I was quite surprised that. Yell for help","wasn't one of them" +"A jouster got injured during a match","He needed an ambu-Lance" +"What do you call a Frenchman in sandals","Phillipe Phillope" +"Dadjoked at the drive-thru So I was in the drive-thru at Taco Bell last night, and the guy asked me if I wanted any sauce with my deliciously awful food, and I told him I wanted mild. I said, Several, if that's cool. He responded by saying, Well, it's gonna be mild, not cool","I had to pull into a parking space to give myself a minute to stop laughing" +"I asked my grandma, “How are you enjoying the new stair lift","” She said, “It’s driving me up the wall" +"Why did the train go to the sauna","To blow off some steam 🙅‍♂️🚂" +"Inquiry about my friend's father's shirt. Friend: What does your shirt say. His father: It doesn't say anything","You have to read it, dumbass" +"My best friend's un-funny wife dad-joked us. My wife was texting her inviting them over and said, We will be grilling brats if you guys want some","She responded with, No thanks, we generally try not to eat kids, regardless of their attitude" +"Got my wife three times On our way home from a cousins graduation a few hours away. Wife: Where are we. Me: In the truck. Wife: Smartass, where in the truck. Me: In the front seat. Wife: OK then, geographically, where is the truck. Me: On this road going that way","It was a good day" +"My dad said he'd disown me if I didn't know a twelve letter synonym for obstructive","That's unreasonable" +"I tried drag racing the other day. It. IS","BRUTAL running in those heels" +"Wife said our baby is the size of a lemon Wife: that's pretty sweet huh. Me: No, that's sour","" +"An uncle joke for the kids A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, Doc, what happened to my baby. The doctor replied, Ma'am, you've had twins. You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you. Oh, no. shrieked the woman. Not my brother. He's not really all together, if you know what I mean. The doctor replied, Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise. Oh, that's no so bad, smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, What's the boy's name","The doctor grinned and said, Denephew" +"My 4 year old brought home an updated See you later alligator from daycare this week. He said See you later, Alligator. , I started to reply with the usual in a while, crocodile but he beat me to it with don't forget your toilet paper. So proud, he'll crank a few dad jokes put when he has children of his own. It might be old (this is reddit",") but I never heard it before, I wish I knew that one as a kid" +"Hey guys. I’ve just made the world’s largest pizza base","I’d like to see anyone top that" +"I work at a deli shop and accidentally slid my finger in the meat slicer http://i. imgur. com/DOVihjf","jpg" +"Have you heard the one about the really deep hole in the ground. Well. Well","Well" +"I told my teacher that my bathroom break was only gonna be ten minutes. I got back thirty minutes later","Turns out I was full of shit" +"People without genders are usually bad programmers","since they're non-binary" +"Wife, yelling at earbuds: Why won't you just untangle","They'd rather knot" +"I've had a terrible day When I drove to work, I got a ticket. Then, when I came home, I crashed into a wall","I need a brake" +"Did you hear about the yoga instructor turned serial killer","Her murders were pre-*meditated" +"Sailing, in a nutshell http://tomb666666. tumblr","com/image/153908879669" +"I accidentally wore my Spanish friend’s rain boots instead of mine","Turns out these boots are made for Joaquin" +"One of the best things about living in Switzerland","The flag is a big plus" +"Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant","I said sure, no sweat" +"Playing golf last weekend with my father. At the tee box about 15 yards in front of us were some ducks. I teed off and hit the ball fairly low and came pretty close to hitting one","My dad said, good thing he ducked to get out of the way" +"Dad can you come pick me up. No. I can't pick you up now. What. Why not. Mom said to call you when the club was over. You're too big for me to pick up any more. You're going to have to walk to the car. Heard this gem while my student called her dad","Everyone in the club did a facepalm" +"After my first blind date with this woman, I knew it wouldn't work out between us and ended it after that","She didn't see it coming" +"Friend got us good talking about food A few friends and I were talking about our food preferences. One friend says, White rice isn't that good for you, since most of the nutrients and fiber are taken away during the bleaching and processing. Brown rice is a lot better for you. Then my other friend replies, You know what they call people like you in Australia","Ricest" +"My company raffle was giving away a sea mammal as a prize","I didn't get the porpoise" +"Why are mushrooms so filling","Because once you've eaten them you don't have mushroom left" +"Why didn't the fruit get married","He cantaloupe" +"What is the difference between a man in a tuxedo riding a bicycle and a bum on a tricycle","Attire" +"I'm starting a minimalist orchestra","It's just like a regular orchestra but without the bells and whistles" +"What do you call a snake that works for the government","A civil serpent" +"It doesn't matter how nice you are","German children are kinder." +"Train conductors are crazy","They have loco motives." +"What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument","A trombone" +"In a couple of days a champion lost many of his trophies","turned out that he suffered from atrophy" +"Gonna start a website called. Onlydads","Where it’s just gonna be a bunch of dads clicking tongues and pulling power tool triggers" +"A Shetland pony walks into a bar. He's coughing and spluttering. With a strained voice, he asks the bartender for a glass of water, and thirstily guzzles down the entire glass in one go. You must have really needed that. said the bartender, Do you feel any better","Well, I'm still a little hoarse" +"NSFW Why do deaf people masturbate only with one hand","Because they moan with the other" +"How do you get an elephant in a car","Try the trunk first" +"How many volunteers do we have for my evil army. King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army","Squire: 384 my liege K: Ok, round them up S: 400 my liege" +"My dog's got no. We all know the classic: - My dog's got no nose. How does he smell. Terrible. - But there are so many possible variations, so rarely explored. - My dog's got no eyes. How does he look. Terrible - My dog's got no tongue. How does he taste. Terrible - My dog's got no nervous system. How does he feel. Terrible - My dog's got no car. How does he drive. Terrible - My dog's got no sense of humour. How does he joke. Terrible -","your turn" +"Some people won't ever believe the Earth is spherical","They flat-out deny the possibility" +"Which instrument is the most indecisive","The p-yeah-no" +"Dadjoked by my boyfriend","He's struggling to fold a fitted bed sheet when he says: I'm getting too old for this sheet." +"The store I used to work at had a customer drive into the building. For the next month, every dad in my town went through my line saying Huh, I didn't know you had a drive thru","One right after the other, it was like a dad assembly line from hell" +"If your phone autocorrects fuck to duck, it's okay to keep it","It's still fowl language" +"I saw an interview with Sean Connery about how he used to scuba dive for seafood. He said, everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone","Then I thought to myself, that's shellfish" +"I’m avoiding playing board games with my family","I really don’t want to die" +"My dad told me why he can't grow a full beard He said he's part native american, Apache to be specific","He gets Apache here and Apache there" +"I just told my best mate how much I love Beyonce. She said 'whatever floats your boat'","So I said no, that's buoyancy" +"If a King gets a King size mattress and a Queen gets a Queen size mattress, then what does a Prince get","An heir mattress" +"My brother and. I are trying to come up with an extensive list of vegetable related puns","Lettuce know if you have any" +"Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon","Apparently they've got great food, but no atmosphere" +"A man came across a giant and a midget in a bar. A man came across a giant and a midget in a bar. How did you get so tall. a man asked the giant who replied, I eat what's right. The man then turned to the midget to enquire, How did you get so short","bringing the reply of, I eat what's left" +"Got my mom with cookies. Mom: Oh that's good, only 130 calories for the whole packet Me: Why would you eat the packet","Dad: *laughs*" +"My 12yo daughter gave me a dad joke for father's day http://imgur. com/kQMB1of She is quite the artist and I have been bugging her to create a painting for me for a while now","She has certainly delivered" +"My son left his luggage in the garage Where ya goin' son. To grab my bag","The bathroom has more privacy, son" +"What kinda bee makes milk","Boobies" +"What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup","Anyone can mash potatoes" +"This city isn't the same since Francisco left",":( It's Sans Francisco" +"Why is dark spelled with a K and not a C","Because you can’t C in the dark" +"Why did the can crusher quit his job","It was soda pressing" +"What did the Spanish speaking magician say right before he performed his vanaishing trick. Uno, dos. And then POOF. He disappeared","Without a tres" +"A man at church was talking about helping his young son learn about fractions","My dad made sure to tell him there is a fine line between the denominator and the numerator" +"What grades do you need to become a pirate","7 C’s" +"What time did the man go to the dentist","Tooth hurt-y" +"Why shouldn't you stay close to a speaker all the time","Because it hertz your ears" +"I walked into an underemployed martial arts dojo today and offered my skills","In no time, I was HI-YA'd" +"What do you call. Bears with no ears ?","B" +"People who grow herbs are really efficient","They're great at thyme management." +"Need help with your boat","I Noah guy" +"I haven't owned a watch","for I don't know how long" +"What did one duracell Battery say to another","mAh Man" +"Did you hear about the lawyer who only ate gold","He passed the bar" +"Every time we hear a police/ambulance/fire engine siren","“He’ll never sell any ice creams going at that speed”" +"What’s a French Rastafarian’s favourite fruit","Le Mon" +"What do you call an elephant crossed with a rhinoceros","Ellephino" +"My wife asked if I could go one day without mentioning ninjas","I said: shur I ken" +"I would tell you my butter joke","But I’m afraid you would spread it" +"I eat a donut every day","But slowly I’m getting tired of the hole thing" +"Why did the cookie go to the doctor","Because he was feeling crummy" +"What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises","It becomes daytrogen" +"Where the the pregnant woman sit in the stadium","In the C Section" +"My friends claim. I'm the cheapest person they ever met","I'm not buying it" +"What did my grandfather say right before he kicked the bucket","Want to see how far I can kick this bucket" +"Jesus was the black panther. Because he","Wakanda water" +"Someone told me 91 degrees was hot","But that's just obtuse" +"Do we really dream in color","Or is it just a pigment of our imagination" +"Gordon Ramsay dad joked a chef Ramsay: So how can you screw up fish & chips. Chef: It was not communicated right, chef","Ramsy: Oh you didn't talk to the fish enough" +"What kind of food do King Arthur's Knights eat during long quests","Grail mix" +"Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables","A deus vult" +"NASA should build a pub on Mars","Mars bar" +"I finally decided to do something about my weight","From now on, I'm simply going to lie about it" +"They're developing a pill for premature ejaculation","It's not out yet, but it's coming soon" +"I got lost when finding my partner at the last BDSM party","Oops, wrong sub" +"What did the farmer say at the party","Lettuce Turnip the Beet" +"What cheese do you use to disguise a horse","Mascarpone" +"You just couldn't help yourself, could you. Warning. Lots of set up. So, if my husband and I take a long car trip with our son, we put in the spa station from satellite radio (it plays exactly the kind of music you think it does) to help him nap. The band names and songs have some silly names, so we'll sit and make up our own titles to pass the time. A song came on that was very sitar-heavy and the following conversation ensued: **Me:** I'm sitting here trying to think of a bunch of sitar puns. **Husband:** well, thank you for not sharing them with me. **Me:** I guess it's because I'm so con-SITAR-ate, huh","Cue eyerolling as I tried not to wake our son with giggles" +"Why do Australians have such a hard time playing chess","They can't tell the difference between Checkmate and Check, mate" +"After the most historic series of fires ever, an arsonist goes into the police station to turn himself in","It was his claim to flame" +"Who was the fattest knight in Camelot","Sir Cumference" +"Ripped the knee of my pants today. Guess ill be using them for church from now on","Since they became holy and all" +"I’ve created a new word","Plagiarism (thanks to my 11 year old for that one!)" +"They took my 4’6” friend in for questioning the other day","I have to admit, he was a little suspect." +"Knock knock Who’s there. Broken pencil Broken pencil who","Nevermind it’s pointless" +"TIL: Robert de Niro is playing the lead role in the upcoming movie about The Lord of the Rings trilogy","The movie is called You Tolkien to me" +"My brother got me good when we were putting up Christmas decorations. Him: 'Do you know who my favourite Christmas singer is. ' Me: 'No . ' Him: 'A-*wreath*-a Franklin","' (*holds up Christmas wreath*) I groaned" +"What is blue but less heavy","Light blue" +"Got my husband the dog groomer on the way to work today. We were listening to Florence and the Machine's Dog Days Are Over while driving. Me: I'm going to play this for you when you retire. Him: Why. Me: Cause the dog days will be over","Him: That was terrible and I want a divorce" +"What is a turtle’s favorite gas station","Shell" +"My wife dadjoked my son (and me) with this Minecraft gem. Our 8 y/o son loves Minecraft. Without our oversight, he'd play all day every day. He was allowed to play on Sunday afternoon. He chose to play survivor mode, and he came running into the room where we were sitting to brag, MOM, PAPI, I dug a shaft down into this hill and I found TWO DIAMONDS. He continued on, So, since I'm in survival mode, should I use the diamonds to make a hoe or a pickax. Something like that, comparing what it would cost him from something called his workbench and inventory. Admittedly, I've only played creative mode with him, so I don't know all the terms. Anyway, without missing a beat, my wife says, Son, always spend your diamonds on hoes","I love that woman so very much" +"Why can't you play poker in the jungle","There are to many cheetahs" +"My water and electricity bills came at the same time this month","Needless to say, I was shocked" +"My sister was hired to sew 8 bridesmaid dresses by Saturday","She seamstressed" +"Did you hear of the water that boiled away","It shall be mist :'(" +"My son was looking for books on dinosaurs. So I asked the librarian to suggest a good author","Try Sarah Topps she said" +"Drawing a plane Dad: I am getting really good at drawing, I can draw anything I want to now. Me: okay draw me a plane. Dad: here you go. Me: but that is a box. Dad: the plane is in the box. Me: MOM","Dad is trying to be funny again" +"To be frank","i'd have to change my name" +"Did you hear about the guy who was handing out awards to couples that cheat","He was medaling in other people’s affairs" +"November","More like Novem-brrrr (because it’s cold)" +"A man was found abusing words","He got a sentence." +"I spend alot of time of reddit My roommate notices this and today asks me ugh are you on reddit again. I say of course i am. She responds with haven't you reddit all","All the eye rolling starts" +"After our plane landed. I asked a family in front of me, So, what brought you to Madison","The dad quickly said, The airplane" +"Have you guys heard about the police investigation into the death of a chickpea","It was a hummus-ide" +"Teacher: “If I Gave You 2 Cats, And Another 2 Cats And Another 2, How Many Will You Have. ” Pappu: “Seven Sir” Teacher: “No, Listen Carefully. If I Gave You 2 Cats, And Another 2 Cats And Another 2, How Many Will You Have. ” Pappu: “Seven” Teacher: “Let Me Put It To You Differently. If I Gave You 2 Apples, And Another 2 Apples And Another 2, How Many Will You Have. ” Pappu: “Six. ” Teacher: “Good. Now If I Gave You 2 Cats, And Another 2 Cats And Another 2,How Many Will You Have. ” Pappu: “Seven","” Very Angry Teacher: “Where Do You Get Seven From” Very Angry Pappu: “Because I Already Have One At Home“" +"What's the fastest liquid in the world","Milk because before you know it, it's pasturize" +"What's a midget psychic running from the police","A small medium at large" +"My dad took a picture of a shelf He showed it to me and said look","I took a shelfie" +"Be there or be square","because you won't be a-round" +"How did the grammar nazi die","They got semicolon cancer" +"Have you seen our toilet roll. asked my wife. Don't be daft, I replied","A toilet is a stationary object" +"What would Forrest Gumps email password be","1Forrest1" +"The age of consent in England was set around 1890. In my opinion it's way too high. I don't think anyone's lived that long. Source: http://qdb","us/143464" +"Dad joke from my 13 y/o brother At an outdoor ice cream place when a person gets handed their banana split. Promptly drops his order on the ground and without skipping a beat my brother says Looks like he got a banana splat","I was the only family member to laugh" +"Why does parsley grow so fast","Because it's always in a race against thyme" +"I. WRITE. ALL. MY. PUNS. IN. CAPITALS. THIS. ONE. WAS. WRITTEN. IN","OSLO!" +"I submitted a statue of myself shaped like a butt to an art contest","I didn’t win but the judges said I made a real ass of myself" +"What’s the advantage to being a test tube baby","You get a womb with a view" +"I thought up a great way to lose weight","You must get struck by lightening" +"What's the most annoying pepper. One that's jalapeño business. Just received via text courtesy of the man himself","Thanks dad for the useless internet points" +"They say time flies like an arrow","But fruit flies like a banana" +"Restaurants are prime places for dad jokes. Yesterday at lunch- Server: How are we doing the bill","Dad: We'd rather not" +"What do you call someone that worships The Fonz","An ayyye theist" +"Why is Peter Pan constantly flying","Because he neverlands" +"My doctor keeps telling me I need to do something about my 10/10 vision","I just can’t see the problem with that" +"What do you call buying too much kitchen equipment","Taking unnecessary whisks" +"Dad, how do you think of these awful jokes. Dad: Huh","Oh I just end the sentence with the funniest word underpants" +"Why did Richard Nixon say he burnt his steak","I'm not a cook" +"I have 3 pairs of Star Wars socks, each pair is missing one sock","Each pair of Star Wars socks has a Rogue One" +"Who's the coolest person in the hospital when the ultra sound man isn't around","The Hip Guy" +"What's a chef's favourite drug","Pot" +"It was getting late so. I decided to hit the sack. After a while it started to hurt so","I went to sleep" +"What do you call a sheet set where the fitted sheet doesn’t match the flat sheet","Fraternal twin sheets" +"Archeologists in. Egypt have uncovered the tomb of a mummy that appears to be covered in chocolate and hazelnuts. It's beleived to be the long lost. Pharoah","Rocher." +"A holiday themed joke I was driving in the car with my daughter when The Christmas Song by Nat King Cole comes on the radio Daddy, how do they roast chestnuts","On an open fire, duh Cue eye roll and a 9 year old googling the answer" +"This is really worrying, but","Uranus is blue" +"Does music make you think","It made Stevie wonder" +"Tri-tip dad joke Just days after my dad made some tri-tip my family had another get together which my brother-in-law brought some ridiculously good tri-tip. Definitely blew the my dad's stuff out of the water. Me: I have to tell you, your tri-tip was good but Nick's (brother-in-law) is next level Dad: Well that may be true but I helped him by giving him advice. In fact, I gave him three pieces of advice","Thats why they call it tri-tip" +"Alcohol doesn't solve any problems","Then again, neither does milk" +"My SO kept joking about bears being in our backyard. Our six year old said dad, stop","You're going to give me nightbears" +"How come pirates are funny","Because they just AAAARRRRRE" +"My son didn't cope well with going to jail. He refused to eat or drink anything. He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own shit","After that, we never played Monopoly again" +"How does Moses make tea","Hebrews it" +"What happened when Moses went to Mount Olive","Popeye punched him" +"Dad sees for the first time (xpost form /r/gifs) http://i. imgur. com/lniAs6J","gifv" +"Changed the contact name of my house phone I changed my home phone's contact name in my cell phone to ET","Now when I ask siri to call ET, it phones home" +"Wife asked if I wanted to go see a quilt museum","I said no I hear it’s full of squares" +"Coworker got us on the weather Manager near us: do you see how windy it is out there","Coworker: yeah it's blowing my mind" +"Wanna hear a limousine joke","Never mind, it's too long" +"When a women reaches a certain age she begins acquiring cats","This is known as manypaws" +"How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb","Let's go play with our bikes" +"I cook and clean for my family on the condition that they put up with my terrible puns","it's the dadliest catch" +"A unique rabbit. My dad told me this one at dinner. Dad: How do you catch a unique rabbit. Me: . i don't know. Dad: 'Unique' up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit. Me: (Still rolling my eyes at the first punch line) i don't know. The 'tame' way","Unique up on it" +"So a teen asks his crush to the prom, which she agrees to On the day of the prom, he goes to pick up his suit. However, once he gets there, there’s a line, so he waits. and waits. and waits. After he gets his suit, he goes to get her corsage. When he gets to the flower shop, however, there’s an even bigger line, so he waits. and he waits. and he waits. Once he had the corsages, he made his way to her house, but the roads were packed so he had to wait in line for the turnoff. So he waited. and waited. Finally, he reaches her house, picks her up, and drives her to prom. But there’s a line to get into the school, so they wait. and wait. At last, they are in the prom and dancing away. After a while, they get thirsty. So they head for the refreshment table and","There’s no punch line" +"I just recently discovered this subreddit, so I'm sorry if it's a repost http://m. imgur","com/qrjFGOs" +"What do you call a Japanese man with $10,000","A Mill-yen-aire" +"Why did the hipster burn his tongue","Because he ate his pizza before it was cool" +"What kind of shoes do ninjas wear","Sneakers" +"Whats the difference between snowmen and snowwomen","Snowballs" +"A child has some feelings boy: “Mom, dad. I don’t feel comfortable in this body. I’m not a girl” dad: “I understand dear. I have one question though. ” boy: “What is it","” dad: “Does that make me a- a- a transparent" +"I witnessed a bear attack at the food court today","I was at the shopping maul" +"Why don't the baby squid like to play with the baby hermit crab","They think he's shellfish" +"What do you call Santa's little helpers. Subordinate Clauses","Merry Christmas" +"My son dad joked my dad. My dad was setting my son up to use the potty at his house. Son: sometimes I pee and my pee goes the wrong way Dad: ohh well, then what does your mom do","Son: she pees just normal" +"Why is 6 afraid of 7","(The answer is not what you're thinking) Not what you're thinking" +"My son said he wanted to become a pyromancer","I told him it's much easier to woo a cake" +"I have a serious problem. I just have to slap everyones ass, as soon as I see them Last week, I was out walking when i met Dwayne Johnson","That's the time I realized I had hit rock bottom" +"Who made King Arthur's round table","Circumference" +"When do jokes become dad jokes","When the punchline becomes apparent" +"C, E-flat and G walk in to a bar","The bartenders says sorry we don't allow minors in here" +"Two termites walk into a bar","And one of them asks, is the bartender here?" +"I always avoid the gym for the first 3 weeks of the year. Which is really no different than what","I do on the other 49 weeks" +"What it the capital of Hungary","Starving" +"I have no need for a pocket calculator","I almost always know how many pockets I have" +"What are the chocolate bar's preferred pronouns","Her-She" +"I hate the alphabet so much,. I'm thinking about burning an. F or","G." +"Told my dad that the cat caught a. June bug. He responded with I guess it will never be a","July bug" +"What do you call it when a pirate climaxes an","Arrgasm." +"A hungry traveller stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchens where a brother is frying chips… Are you the friar. he asked. The brother replied No","I'm the chip monk" +"What does Olive Garden serve on Halloween","Fettuccini Afraid-O" +"cutting bell peppers wife: I need you to cut out the seeds from these bell peppers me: why do you want them to be trees. wife: wat","me: that would make them de-seed-uous wife: >:^(" +"Mocking birds are terrible at social media","All they ever do is retweet" +"My wife came up with this classic - What do you call a sick bird from Mars","An ill eagle alien Our five year old animal enthusiast obviously didn't get it, but she was very proud of herself for making it up" +"My family must be getting tired of listening to me talk about creating computer parts","I made my own mother bored" +"When I gave my dad his 51st father's day card he told me","to stop re-posting this used joke, and get some actual talent" +"My friend got mad at me yesterday and I don't know why","He had just picked up a sewing machine and was telling me how exited he was to start sewing, so naturally I asked: Sew what" +"MySpace Dad Joke So this happened to me a loooong time ago when MySpace was still a thing. I was about 15 at the time. I'm sitting at the computer browsing MySpace when my dad comes up behind me. Dad: Hmm. Is that MySpace. Me: Uhh. Yeah. Dad: NO. That's YOURspace","Hahahahhahah" +"One from my Archaeologist pop. Dad: *picking up a regular rock* You know this is a Native American sexstone. Me: How come","Dad: It's just a fucking rock" +"I ate a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat","I've ever had" +"My girlfriend and I aren't planning on having kids, but I'm getting my practice in, just in case. http://i. imgur. com/HzvDgNN","png" +"A podiatrist is alone in the woods","He hears a strange rustling in the bushes and says Something is afoot" +"A Russian couple is arguing about the weather. One says it is raining, the other says it is simply a mist. To settle their dispute, they stop and ask a guard outside the Kremlin for his opinion. Rudolph, please help us with this disagreement. Is it raining, or not. Rudolph replies, It is raining. I knew we could depend on you, Comrade","You see, he says to his partner, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear" +"Why are wasps nastier than bees","Because they can't beehive" +"“May I have your finest scotch please. ”, I asked the guy behind the counter","“It’s just a roll of tape, sir,” said the cashier at Staples" +"I may be overweight, but. I care about fitness","Fit’ness pizza in my mouth" +"Why does Santa's balls hurt","He only gets to empty his sack once a year" +"I was fired from my cozy government job for wearing a tank top","I forgot that you’re not allowed to bring guns on government property" +"What does a Russian aircraft do when its engines get too cold","It starts Stalin" +"What did one eye say to the other. ya know","Between you and me, something smells" +"My 2 year old got into the act This morning, as I was getting dressed, my 2 year old son said to me, I'm hungry. I went for the easy joke, Hi hungry, I'm dad","Without missing a beat, he replied: hi dad, I'm hungry" +"He cracked up at this one. Me: My phone died","Dad: Have you tried CPR: Cell Phone Resuscitation" +"Next time I take my daughter to get yearly check up, I'm keeping my mouth shut As I approached the counter at my 8 year old's clinic, the nurse asks are you here for an appointment. I replied without hesitation & confusion umm, no my daughter is","The blank stare was enough" +"What style of music ocean creatures like the most","Aquapella" +"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows to high","She looked surprised" +"Every naked person I see, turns me on","Said the shower head" +"My wife was surprised to see me wearing a sombrero in all my high school graduation photos","I had to explain— it was my Senor year" +"A father cooks dinner. Dad : I'm going to put a chicken pie in the oven for dinner. Son : How long will it be until it's cooked","Dad : About 20cm, but it will still be the same size when it's cooked" +"New species of gazelle found jumps higher than the average house","Mainly because the average house cannot jump" +"Why is racism okay on a Mac","It's not P" +"I would tell you a pun about gymnasts, but","It’s a bit of a stretch" +"What's a duck's favorite drug","Quack cocaine" +"A log was lying to a lumberjack","But they saw right through it" +"Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying Employees must wash hands","But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine" +"Autumn is most people's favorite season","It is like it is the de-fall-t" +"I. Asked. My. Dad. What. His. Goal. Was. Response:","To live for ever, or die trying." +"Why is waking up at 3AM like a pigs tail","It's Tw'early" +"I saw a bird with a really big beak holding a chessboard","I said toucan play that game." +"After my first child was born I went to have a drink with my father. He said to me Well son, now that you have a kid of your own, I think it's time to give you this . Dad, you don't mean the. Yes son , he interrupted, as he handed me the first five editions of '1001 Dad Jokes'. With the tears welling in my eyes, and a lump in my throat, I said Dad, I'm honoured","Well hello Honoured, I'm Dad" +"When dad gets home from the hospital. So my pops is in the hospital pretty often lately, but he seems to still have a sense of humor about it. While I was eating dinner with him, he told me a story of his triumph earlier. A nurse walks into his room, and tells him she's going to take his vitals. He looks her straight in the eye and says, Sure, as long as you give them back when you're done with them","I look over at him and sigh the longest sigh I have all day, haha" +"Why do cows have hooves and not feet","Because they lactose" +"My. Dad really wanted me to make paper planes with him. Eventually","I folded" +"My dad's anti-jokes What do you call an alpaca on the moon. An alpaca What time do dogs take their coffee breaks. They don't","Dogs don't have jobs" +"My friend asked if. I’ve ever seen space jam","I told him that it happens every now and then" +"Why don’t you breed an eel with an eagle","It’s Eeleagle" +"What did the chair say to the other chair","My legs hurt" +"My girlfriend found out today she was using the less common spelling for describing an outgoing person, but insisted she would keep using it anyways","I told her it was nothing but an extra version" +"So my Dad got out of the shower. He turns to me and says Hey, what is the best way to care for a layered haircut. I said I didn't know and he responds with","No more tiers shampoo" +"Dad joked the janitor at my new job I was in the elevator with the janitor, who was cleaning the glass inside the elevator","I looked at her and said I bet this job has it's ups and downs She didn't even chuckle :(" +"My dad asked me why I had a pair of socks in my glove compartment. “You never know when you’ll need a dry pair of socks” I told him","“Sure you do, when the ones your wearing get wet" +"Had a triple whammy on my girlfriend the other night. We had went out for a nice and polite Canadian supper, and after looking at the menu for a while. Her- Wow the penny lane sounds good. Me- Meh, I'm more of a nickel or dime lane kinda guy. Her- Wow. was that worth it. Me- Well its called the penny lane, and we don't use pennies as currency anymore, so no, it wasn't worth anything. Her- . You're crazy. Me- You better send me to looney lane then","Groans followed" +"My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying This isn't working, goodbye What a liar","I opened the fridge and it's working just fine" +"What is the almost coolest vegetable","Rad-ish" +"What do you call when you mix up ‘what’ with ‘who’","An English teacher" +"So I had this conversation with a friend He asked: What's your favorite movie. I answered: It's About Time And then he asked: What's the movie about. I replied: It's about time Lastly, he asked: When should I stop asking questions that have the same answers","I answered: It's about time" +"I told my son he should tuck a ruler beneath his pillow","It's good to know how long you sleep" +"My second grade daughter got me today","Daughter: Hey Daddy, I got this new water bottle and it makes a cool noise Me: Hey, that's pretty cool, it sounds like a dolphin Daughter: I know, I'm doing it on porpoise Me: :rolleyes: Daughter *smirk* *giggle* *guffaw*" +"Growing up. I wanted to be a comedian. But,","I was afraid everyone would laugh at me" +"Everyone knows that the zip code for Beverly Hills is 90210 thanks to the show, but not as many people know the zip code to Dawson’s Creek. It’s 90108 ^","for ^our ^^lives ^^^to ^^^be ^^^over" +"What did the mountain climber name his son","Cliff" +"Crazy news; four pro football players arrested in. Pittsburgh today. They were","Steelers" +"The cops are warning us about a serial killer who strangles his victims using smaller and smaller T-shirts","The police are saying that he’s still at large" +"When is it time to see the dentist","Tooth hurty" +"What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture","A humi-ditty" +"We were learning about musicians during the Baroque era when someone stopped the class to ask. Sir, I can't really get a Handel on all of this, can we go Bach a bit","I laughed, teacher rolled his eyes and kept talking as if it was never asked" +"My daughter was just gifted some avocado socks for her bday. I told her Now when you wear them, you can go for a guac . Growns all around the house","Success" +"What does Japanese bull say just before killing someone with its horns","Omaewa moo shindeiru" +"My son asked me if I was free this weekend","I said that I wasn't, but that I am on discount on weekdays" +"Dad joking the news I listen to the news on the radio in the morning. Any time they mention the World Health Organization, I frown and say Who. , whether or not anyone's around to hear it","Years later, I still find this funny" +"Dad, did you lose weight. Yes","Help me find it" +"What do you call a 60 year old Avatar","Boomer-Aang" +"Time flies like the wind","And fruit flies like bananas." +"Sometimes. I tell my color blind friend what my vision is like","He's yellow with envy." +"The judge at my trial found me guilty of being egotistical","I am appealing" +"I finally got my wife to watch Back to the future","I told her it's about time" +"My dad asked me why. I didn't think the mountains were funny","After all, they're pretty hill areas." +"The weirdest thing happened today","First I picked up a hat with money in it Then I got chased by a guy with a guitar" +"What made Skrillex stop fishing. He would always drop the bass. P","Joke only works in text format" +"When the power of Dads combine. My dad took early retirement, and promptly joined a group called the [neighborhood's name] Men of Leisure. We had one of the other members, King Charming (because he's too old to be a prince), over for dinner one night","About halfway through the meal, my dad hits him with You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her read I thought I was going to watch that old man die" +"My dad celebrated last night with a glass of white wine http://i. imgur. com/WErRsZV","jpg Most people would call it milk" +"Why do all cobblers go to heaven","Because they spend their lives mending broken soles" +"What did the Mexican with two penises name them","Jose and Hose B" +"Yesterday,. I told my friend a chemistry joke","But there was no reaction" +"Which of the Spice Girls can carry the most petrol","Gerry can" +"I like country and rap","Some people call it crap" +"If I were to ramble on about everything there is to know concerning Indian leavened bread","would that be total naansense" +"Wedding night So a young lady just got married and was staying in her mum's house. She was always told to wait and save herself till married. And that's what she did. She went upstairs to the bedroom with her husband to do newly wedded things. Her husband takes off his shirt and he has a very hairy chest. Young lady runs downstairs to her mother and says mummy he has a very hairy chest, what do I do her mother replied all good men have hairy chests go upstairs and he'll take care of you it will be alright she goes upstairs again and sit on the bed. He then takes off his trousers exposing his hairy legs. Once again the young lady run down stairs to a mother mummy he has very hairy legs, what do I do the mother replied all good men have hairy legs go upstairs and he'll take care of you it will be alright so still upstairs once again. He then proceeds to take off another item of clothing. His socks. She notices that her husband only had 2 toes on one foot","Once again she wants downstairs to her mother mummy he's got a foot and a half the mother replied you stay and cook dinner, don't worry darling mumny will take care of this one for you 😂😂😂😂😂" +"I watched a documentary today on how planes are put together","It was riveting" +"Why did the youth pastor show show his kids a horror movie","To scare the hell out of them" +"why couldn’t the bike stand up","because it was two tired" +"Why do defibrillators amaze people","They're just shocking at heart" +"Hi. No,","I'm not, but thanks for asking." +"Saw a sign at the store that said used batteries","I'm guessing they were free of charge." +"I got my dad yesterday","I picked him up at the airport" +"Today I threw two drums and a cymbal off a cliff","Ba Dum Tssss" +"Got my wife just now. Her: dadgummit Me: hey. I don't gummit. I chew it","Her: uuugh" +"What do cows call their clothes","Moo" +"Why is the kid from Toy Story so good at repairing his toys","Because he's very Andy" +"What’s the worst part about cloning sheep","Falling asleep while taking inventory" +"Thor is a terrible singer","he could never hit the low key" +"How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb. Is it 1. Or 2","or 2" +"I I couldn’t get $GME so I got CHKN, BEEF, and VGTBL stock instead","I hope to become a bouillionaire" +"I bought a new weed-whacker today","It's cutting hedge technology" +"'My client is trapped inside a penny, your honor' 'What","' 'He's in a cent" +"Wow Dad, you got a haircut. Dad: Nope","I actually got them all cut" +"Girlfriend got me good earlier Back story: I'm at a shop getting my car put on a dyno. A dyno measures the power output. I didn't tell my girlfriend but she knew I was planning on getting it done soon. Me: I'm in *neighboring city* GF: what are you doing there. Me: car stuff GF: are you getting a stegosaurus Me: what. GF: I thought you were getting a dino","Me: ohmygod" +"My wife refuses to go to Karaoke with me","I have to duet alone" +"Best place to self-reflect is. A","Mirror." +"What do you call a sleepwalking nun","A Roman Catholic" +"What's Brown and Sticky","A stick" +"2 wrongs don't make a right. But 2","Wright's make a hell of an airplane" +"Why was the mushroom invited to the party","Because he was a fungi" +"I’ve got this awful disease where. I can’t stop telling airport jokes","My doctor says it’s terminal." +"I bought two reindeer for only a dollar each and thought I got a great deal . But it turns out they were two deer. Still, it was only a couple of bucks","To be honest, I feel like I have more doe now than before" +"Got dad joked by 13 yr old girl foster kid. Where do dogs hate to go shopping","Flea market" +"It's been a lifelong dream of mine to live in a house with my own clone. But the science has just come out that most people would hate dealing with someone identical to them","I just don't think I can live with myself after hearing that" +"How did the vacuum cleaner die","It bit the dust" +"Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change colour","He had a reptile dysfunction" +"So, it's 3am, I'm at Denny's. The bill comes, and after a night of heavy drinking all anybody has left is loose change. We (about 6 people) split up the bill and count our change onto the table. Waitress comes by, sees that were settling the bill, and she says, do you guys need any change","Without missing a beat my bearded husky inebriated friend returns, yes, dimes and nickles will suffice The waitress was not amused" +"The. Guy. Who. Invented. The. Train","His invention moved a lot of people" +"My son insisted his nails were already cut and I didn't have to trim them. I asked if I could just double-check his hand. http://i. imgur. com/bAuV8Nh","png" +"Why do dwarfs laugh when they run","Because the grass tickles there balls" +"I checked into a motel and the clerk told me I had the second room on the second floor. He picked up the key to hand to me, but hesitated and took it back. I said, “Well","2B or not 2B" +"A perfect dad joke for Father's Day Me: See, if I wasn't here, you would have never exsisted. Daughter: Ok, Dad. But Mom was the one who really made me. Me: Hey, I had a little bit of input","*Pause* Daaaaaaad" +"What does a mechanical frog say","Rivet" +"Start my new job as a hairdresser in Jamaica tomorrow","I'm dreading it" +"What’s Dean Martin’s favorite Eel","That’s a Moray" +"It's a 5 minute walk from my house to a pub. And its a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house","The difference is staggering" +"If your phone autocorrects f*** to duck its okay to keep it","Because it's still fowl language *This is an x-post from r/jokes dont be pissed*" +"I bought a porn mag company and I'm making it into a Christian magazine","I'm still working out a few kinks" +"What do you call an assassin that kills in summer","The heat-man" +"Dogs like chewing on sticks","Because their mouths are made for barks" +"What is the most famous coffee brand for birds","Nest-cafe" +"I was going to see if I could sneak a regular joke in but it's like a field of corn in here","It's all ears" +"Doctor: I will be delivering your baby","Parents: Actually, we want him to keep his liver please" +"An observant but not-so-trustworthy friend of mine dropped by my fowl farm yesterday","He took a gander" +"This has been a common occurrence with my dad since childhood. Note: We are from Syria. Every time someone asks my dad Are you serious. , no matter how ridiculously tense the situation is. He will reply, No, I'm Syrian",":l" +"What do you call a group of baboons","A Congress" +"I have a phobia of German sausage","Yes, I fear the wurst" +"I invited a bunch of rappers to my party. Most of them showed up, but Notorious B. couldn't make it. That's ok","No biggie" +"A man in Yorkshire, England forgot about his appointment at the sperm bank","When he finally arrived, the person at the desk told him, “Ejaculate”" +"What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce","Chicken sees a salad" +"I have finally made it I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence","I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life" +"I once had crush on a pastry chef","Turns out she didn’t have any fillings for me" +"Tom Hanks walked into a wind tunnel","The wind tunnel says to him It's a pleasure to meet you Mr Hanks, I'm a huge fan" +"So I go to the zoo with my dad. We're in the Australian zone and my dad turns to me and asks, What do baby kangaroo brothers call each other.","Roo-mates" +"There’s still a lot to be discovered about. Mars","We’ve only scratched the surface" +"Genie: What is your final wish. Boy: I wish I were you","Genue: weurd but alrught" +"Never iron a four leaf clover","You don’t want to press your luck" +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon","Great Food, No Atmosphere" +"Shakespeare must have been a dad. From othello: Cassio:Dost thou hear, my honest friend","Clown: No I hear not your honest friend, I hear you" +"Smart-ass optometrist","See if eye care" +"Charles Dickens walks into a bar. And asks for a martini .","The barman says Olive or Twist" +"The mayor of Saint Paul passed a law banning large soft drinks","Now if you want one you have to get a Minnesota" +"Had dinner with the future father in law last night And I looked at my food sighed heavily and put my face in my hands. Him: What's going on. Me: There's just so much on my plate right now Then I asked for his daughters hand in marriage","It was a yes" +"Why do Chicken coops only have 2 doors","Because if they have four, they would be chicken sedans" +"Made brownies. [https://i. imgur. com/4NBo8Yg. jpg](https://i. imgur. com/4NBo8Yg","jpg)" +"Anyone else go to the comedy and philosophy convention last night","Laughed more than I thought" +"Thank. God","I'm atheist" +"Why do cows have hooves and not feet. Because they","lactose" +"Driving through the mountains While on vacation this past week we would occasionally pass signs [such as this](http://i. imgur. com/yIuxf2z. jpg). I could never resist the urge to tell everyone in the car to be quiet","Kids loved it; wife, not so much" +"My wife was worried that the fish she bought on Friday weren't swimming together on Saturday I told her not to worry","Saturday's not a school day" +"I asked a pirate where are you bucaneers","He said under my buckin hat" +"Why did the coffee file a police report","It got mugged" +"Chinese takeout: $10. Gas to get there and back: $2","Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless" +"Why couldn’t the bicycle stand on its own","Because it is two tired" +"Grocery store dadjoke on the girlfriend. We were walking down the dairy aisle when. Gf: Did I pass the butter","Me: I don't see why you would, I didn't ask for it" +"My Dad won a ham at a meat raffle yesterday, and his friend won a turkey","He looked at me, then said to his friend: We should start a club" +"What do you call an obvious cow","Predictabull" +"Why do toadstools grow so close together","They don't need mushroom" +"My time in the mafia served me well","I got so good with scarves, they started calling me scarf ace." +"I just want to give a shout out to sidewalks","For keeping me off the streets" +"What did the river say to the sea","Don't be salty" +"Girlfriend got herself today My girlfriend broke a nail at work today and told me the story after dinner. GF: I was gonna do my nails tonight but now its pointless. I chuckled to myself until she realized what she said. She then called me a dork and left the room","I guess I'm doing the dishes tonight" +"Some people love cats, other people hate them. The pope is obsessed with them","He’s a cat-a-holic" +"Have you seen the new pen that writes underwater, upside down and in outer space","It writes lots of other words too" +"A cattle farmer has had to pull out of the local marathon","It was due to a calf injury" +"There's a band called 1023MB","They haven't hit any gigs yet" +"Got my daughter. Daughter: Sorry. I'm late dad","Me: Better late than pregnant" +"I just stumbled on this subreddit, and I'd like explain why (from an outsider's perspective) this sort of thing is not my cup of tea. It's because [this](http://i. imgur. com/GDogdTm","png) is my cup of tea" +"Got my wife during shark week. Wife: I feel funny . Me: Then tell me a joke . Wife:. As she rolls her eyes . I mean my insides feel funny . Me: Then tell me an inside joke . She just sighed and went to bed while","I chuckled heartily." +"What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo","Clear" +"What happens when you throw a white hat into the red sea","It gets wet" +"got my coworker Today I come into work and my coworker asks to the group Who put this boomerang on my desk. To which I replied hmm I knew. but I don't know anymore. it'll come back to me","Edit: I don't know why there was a boomerang at his desk" +"If at first you don't succeed","Don't try skydiving" +"Today at work we had to install doors into 2 double doored closets. There were only 3 of them so my coworker said huh, that's odd. Of course man, if we had 4 it would be even","He did laugh but not as hard as me" +"I went to the zoo today and saw a loaf of bread in one of the enclosures","Turns out it was bread in captivity" +"Did you hear about the messy life story of a statistician","it had a scattered plot" +"Where did the joke wait to get its drink","The punchline" +"Kylo Ren: Dad, how did you get your own standalone movie. Han: Ben, it's not a standalone movie","It's a Solo movie" +"Don't spend it all in one place","After you give someone a gift card" +"Did you hear about the bird over selling pirated dumbbells","Police fear they'll never be able to apprehend Jacked Sparrow" +"Sign on the espresso machine said, Coffeemaker not hot","So I wrote, But has a great personality" +"Arm's reach. https://imgur","com/a/No35VpC" +"You just can't trust atoms","They make up everything" +"[NSFW] I got into bed with my wife tonight, started rubbing her shoulders and kissing her neck, then she said I'm tired, Honey. Nice to meet you,*Tired*, and the name's *Horny*","She groaned so hard I had to go give myself a hand" +"What's that medical condition where you can't sleep and you eat all night instead","Insomnomnomnia" +"What is a ghosts favorite car","A booogati" +"I went to a wedding for two satellites last week","The wedding was average but the reception was incredible" +"Someone broke into my office yesterday, but they only stole my calendar","He was caught and he only got 6 months" +"My wife was helping brush my sons teeth when My wife was helping brush my sons teeth when he turned his head and she accidentally got tooth paste on his nose. He looked into the mirror and said excitedly, Mom, I look like I'm Bluedolph the reindeer","I knew there was more than one reason I keep this kid around" +"As a roman emperor, I really like to drink Coca Cola. The ordinary people","They drink Plebsi" +"Managed to score my first dad joke (dad in training) Yesterday I was able to pull off my first dadjoke. Someone in my evening class said I'm tired and without batting an eye I replied Hi Tired, I'm Horst. :) So yeah, I'm in training - baby is due in december, so I am kind of in bootcamp right now. Any advice from the more experienced dadjokers","Good next step for me" +"Saw an extremely tall guy at the airport Friend: Wow, it must be really difficult for him to fly","Me: You'd think it'd be easier, he has longer arms" +"My mom always laughed when. I said. I'd make a car out of spaghetti. But you should've seen her face when","I drove pasta." +"Why did the scarecrow get employee of the month","Because he was outstanding in his field" +"Have you heard of the band, 1023 Megabytes","No, because they haven't made it to a gig yet" +"I married a pirate with a patch","The one eye love" +"My son told me he had a dream about swimming in an ocean of orange Crush","I asked, “are you sure it wasn’t a Fanta sea" +"Why does the Norwegian Navy have barcodes on the back of their ships","So when they come back home they can Scandinavian" +"Why are people rarely specific when they discuss Confederate leaders","Because they're just talking General Lee" +"In a battle of the numbers, evens were victorious","Against all odds" +"People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks","We really need to raise the bar" +"My son asked me,”can I have a book mark. ” I started crying","15 years and he still doesn’t know that my name is Daniel" +"Dads, thank you First off, happy Father's Day to all of you out there. My dad likes to joke that it's the least important day of the year and that I'll get it one day. Maybe I will. Until then I want to say thank you. I'm an EMT, my main job is BLS transport. I'm sure most of you dont know what that means but I'm basically a taxi for the elderly/bedridden. A lot of my job is treating/transporting people who have no other means to and from dialysis, dr's appointments, radiation, surgery etc. You can imagine the mentality many of these people have. I'll be honest, I steal your jokes. I screenshot them and reuse them with these patients. So many of them groan and smile and begrudgingly enjoy your jokes. Often they get annoyed because they, should have guessed the answer and wrinkle their brow and spend minutes at the next joke just to hear the answer to, what's blue and isnt very heavy at all . I damn near cracked when someone said, the sky , I mean, that's not wrong, right. These people have everything in the world going against them, but everyone react the same to a good dad joke. Anyway, these jokes all of you have blessed this sub have made a huge impact on not only my life, not only my patients lives, but the way I interact with people in general. So I want to say thank you. You all have made a serious impact on people's lives. A patient who otherwise was borderline mute with others felt comfortable enough after a few of y'alls jokes to tell me she was horribly mistreated at home, she was missing treatments and was on a fast track to her grave. Now, after a few Social Services visits I see her every week at her treatments and shes bright eyed and happier than anyone I know. To all Fathers, Mothers, Brothers Sisters, Sons, Daughters whomever you may be adding to this sub. You all do more than just post jokes","thank you" +"I'm going to get. LASIK surgery done next year","I'm looking forward to 2020 vision." +"We had neighbors just move in This morning I was told from my mom that we had some new neighbors moving in and the husband was from Russia and had an insanely strong Russian accent. Anyways, fast forward 10 hours and we were pulling into our house and I see the man outside walking down his driveway and I say to my mom and dad, Is he Russian. in which my dad terribly replies I don't think so","It looks like hes walking pretty slowly" +"Who decided to call it a dad-bod","A father-figure would have been much better" +"Why are doctors fed-up with the American Health Care Act","Because they're losing their patients" +"What did one plate say to the other","Dinner is on me" +"What Do You Call A Paper Company Full Of Hot Moms","Dunder Milflin" +"Did you hear about the kid who graduated college at 16 years old","He’s so bright, his father calls him Son" +"My friend said he was studying abroad I said, c'mon man","*lady" +"What animal should you never play cards with","A cheetah" +"What did the Spanish farmer tell his dad before moving to the city","Ciudad" +"If you regret your vote in 2016, don't worry about it","Hindsight is 2020" +"I've been hearing this one all my life. Me: Hey dad, what time is it","Dad: Same time it was yesterday 24 hours later" +"Having two Nicks in the office Just heard this from a fellow coworker a few minutes ago: I work on a team that have two Nicks in the office. One works in tech support and the other is a paralegal. We all work in the same vicinity. My supervisor was showing her frustration about a program that was not working right and she immediately asked for Nick (tech Nick). Paralegal Nick answered her call but she said that she it was asking for the other Nick","My coworker, without a beat, said, We might need to come up with new nicknames" +"Is it a dad joke if my 6 year old daughter came up with it. Daddy, why did the chicken eat the road","Because it was hungry" +"Does anyone here want a free iPhone 11. If so, contact me","We can then talk about how we both want a free iPhone" +"There is a new type of broom out there","Its sweeping the nation" +"When someone says an idle so","My dad says buttons" +"Why are elevator jokes so good","They work on so many levels" +"I got a pastry for. Denmark. It was a","Danish danish" +"How do you top a car","You tep on da brakes, tupid" +"I did a good deed today. I saw a homeless man living in a tyre and I punctured it. How is that a good deed you ask","Well now he lives in a flat" +"Which came first, the chicken or the egg. Safety","Remember that safety always comes first" +"What did the German commander say to the ticking clock","Ve haf vays and means of making you tock" +"I have a heart of a lion","And a lifetime ban from the zoo" +"have you checked your mail. my dad just texted me. dad: have you checked your mail. me (going through my mail mostly all junk): for what. dad: Your mail. me:","got dang it old man" +"I bought a dog from the local blacksmith. As soon as","I got him home he made a bolt for the door" +"I was walking past a prison the other day and saw a midget escaping down the wall. I waved to him, but all he did was flip me off","It was a little condescending" +"What do you say to non-fixed wing aircraft when you first meet them","HelloCopter" +"Grandpa was in tears after telling this one. There was an old man I used to know who lived in Michigan, right on the border of Indiana. He was always complaining about how bad the winters were up there in Michigan and how good I have it in Indiana. One day a state surveyor came out to his property and told him that he had resurveyed his property and discovered that his land was in fact in Indiana, not in Michigan like he had always thought. The old man said Thank God","I don't have to ever go through another Michigan winter again" +"To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket:","You can hide but you can't run." +"I have good news and bad news The good news is, the surgery was a success and I can now see out of my penis","The bad news is, my vision's a bit cockeyed" +"4th of July joke Did you hear about the firecracker that wouldn't explode","It refused" +"What game do you play with a wombat","Wom" +"What do you call dinner that's been pulled out of the freezer a day in advance","A well thawed out plan" +"I'm a soon to be dad so I've been working on my dad jokes. What do you call a rabbit that gets under your skin","An ingrown hare" +"Daughter got me How can they still be together after all the crap they've been through. Who","Your buttcheeks" +"What's the difference between. The. Sahara and. Jello","One is an inhospitalble desert and the other is an in hospital dessert." +"We drove past a city cemetery and my dad remarked, “Do you know why I can’t be buried here, boy. ” “Why","” “Because I’m still alive" +"What is an adulterers favorite snack","Cheetos" +"I took the rear view mirrors off my car last week","I'll tell you what, I haven't looked back since" +"My girlfriend asked what. I was doing after. I pick up my glasses","I said we'll see" +"I was in the gym the other day, when I saw a man get down on one knee and propose to his girlfriend. Unfortunately she said no","Well that didn't workout" +"What do you call your Mexican nephew","Nacho kid" +"I was involved in a one night stand that went horribly wrong","We've been married 3 years now" +"Do you know why ladders are expensive. Because they keep going up","Credit: my wife" +"As my wife was preparing dinner I told her what a nice ham she had","But it would be a shame if you put an ‘s’ at the front and ‘e’ at the end" +"Do you have fifty cents. Because he doesn't. Context: [Rapper 50 Cent files for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy](http://www. businessinsider","com/50-cent-files-for-bankruptcy-2015-7)" +"Why the boys get stale bread on the roadtrip","Because the bread mold was a fun-gi" +"Mother and some German Sausage Me and my mum were discussing what to have for dinner: Mum: I recently bought some German sausages, they are the best. Me: Really","I Thought they would have been the WURST" +"Police joked my boss Boss is up on a ladder looking in the ceiling panels and calls the police chief over. Boss- Hey I need someone above me to look at this. Chief well who else is up there","The secretary and I both started laughing hysterically" +"I tried to be a tailor, but i just wasn't suited for it","Eh, it was a sew-sew job" +"My dad at a wedding We were at my cousin's wedding when the time came to cut the cake. My cousin and her new husband made their way over to the cake and tentatively picked up the knife, looking unsure whether to go straight ahead or await further instruction","My dad took the brief pause as his opportunity and piped up with what's the matter, never done this before" +"On a whim, I went to buy 100 exotic birds last week All my mates took the piss out of me saying that I had more money than sense","But it turned out alright, they were pretty cheep cheep cheep" +"What did the electrician Dad say to his son when the boy came home at 2:00 in the morning","WIRE you INSULATE" +"I just heard my little sister ask my dad if he knows her friend Addi","He said he didn't but asked if she had a sister named Subtracty" +"People said they didn’t like how many inside jokes I knew","So we went outside" +"To all the mothers delivering babies. Happy. Labor","Day!" +"Mom is forcing my dad to take a yoga class with her","He wrote in his registration form, I don't even know what yoga is - this will be a real stretch for me" +"What does a druggie duck with a speech impediment like to do","Quack" +"The sushi chef located the buzzing noise","It wasabi" +"How does a Catholic gun sound when used to shoot","Pew pew" +"Why should you never trust stairs","They’re always up to something" +"So Mom goes to make a new pot of coffee. Dad: Did you wash it (the coffee pot). Mom: Well, yeah. Dad: But, a washed pot never boils","God damn it, Dad" +"I told my dad about this subreddit He didn't seem impressed. No fried chicken. He exclaimed. Later that night at the table I complained about how dry the chicken was","He handed me the tablet and said, Sobreadit" +"I tried to tell the. Egyptian that he was drowning","But he was in denial" +"Two wrongs do not make a right","But 3 lefts do" +"A priest goes on a shooting spree","I guess you could call it a mass murder" +"Why do witches not wear a normal hat","Because there's no point in it" +"How did the sniper get drunk even though he was nowhere near any alcohol","It was those long distance shots" +"I asked SIRI why I was still single","She turned on the front camera" +"What meat does a cannibalistic priest eat on Friday","Nun" +"my throat is a little raw. Eating dinner at my friend's house last night with his family. Their daughter walks in. Hey hon, how are you. -Mom Hey. I'm okay. My throat is a little raw. -Daughter Well you better cook it","-Dad I proceeded to laugh out loud while everyone else groaned a little and moved on" +"How do you find Will Smith in the snow","You look for fresh prints" +"GF got me with this last night while watching our favorite BBC car show Me: The cinematography for this show really is top notch","Her: No babe, it's Top Gear" +"I overdosed on viagra once","Hardest day of my life" +"My grandfather was court-martialed from the navy when he fired on a friendly vessel","Oops, wrong sub" +"Manager: You're fired","Me: No, I'm Bob" +"Helping a friend move. We should get the mirrors next","Yeah, I can see myself carrying those" +"I told my dad I burned my buns making hamburgers","He told me to stop sitting on the grill" +"National. Dad. Conference. Speaker:. I'm glad you could all make it. Whole crowd: *in unison* hi glad you could all make it. We're dad. Speaker: *Puts up a pic of","ID on big screen showing legal name is glad you could all make it * *entire conference loses their shit*" +"How about that actor who played the role of a U-haul truck","I heard his performance was moving" +"What is a pirates favorite type of ghost","A spectarr" +"Harry. Potter became vegan,","Now he speaks parsleytongue" +"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7","00 in dog money" +"Fun fact: Every dictionary has at least 1 mistake in it. In the M section, right after mist","&#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; Thanks HAI" +"A group of monks started a business outside the playboy mansion. They opened up a stand selling flowers, but Heff called the 5-0 and got them shut down. They said they would've gotten away with it anywhere else","But I guess only Hugh can stop florist friars" +"What happens when you cross a soda can with a frog","Croaka-Cola" +"Just burned 2000 calories today","I won’t forget to remove the brownies from the oven next time." +"I left my family to live in an ice cream shop","I'm now known as a deserter" +"I make bad science puns","but only periodically" +"Why is Spider-Man so acrobatic","Because his real name is Peter Parkour" +"How heavy was the world's biggest dumpling","Wonton" +"Did you know centipedes have a faster top speed than humans","They run at 100 feet a second" +"How do fleas travel from animal to animal","They itch hike" +"We could have played a game that was riveting","but since non of use were any good at metal-work we played some basketball instead" +"TIL they don't cook. French fries in. France. They cook them in","Greece." +"I got my dad with a good one the other day. I walk in the living room and the TV shows hail pounding down and covering a yard like snow. My dad says, This is in *Texas*, how could they get so much hail down there","Hail, I don't know, with a southern twang" +"What do you get if you cross a baby with a soldier","Infantry" +"My friend used to eat feathers","She quit after she got down in the dumps." +"Saw a girl with 12 nipples today","Sounds weird, dozen tit" +"Why don't they play poker in the jungle","Too many cheetahs" +"Returning home from the barber, had a true old man moment today. My kid: “Hey dad, did you just get a hair cut. ” “No son, I got them ALL cut. ” The cycle is complete","I have become my father" +"Did Jesus pay for our sins in credit or debit","Neither, he used praypal (Not originally mine its really old and i cant remember where i saw it, so the credit goes to that unsang hero)" +"You got to hand it to short people","They probably can't reach it anyways" +"Got my 11-month-old this morning Changed her diaper and was getting her back into her pink pants. Looked at her and said, you're like a precious diamond to me. Like a little Pink Pants-er","She has no idea what I said, but giggled anyway" +"Where does a pencil go to take a vacation","Pennsylvania" +"what does a pepper do when it's mad at you","it gets jalepeno face" +"Have you heard about dry erase boards","They're remarkable" +"What do you call a serpent that tells on you","A tattlesnake" +"why is Yoda only 99% sure of anything","Because only a Sith deals in absolutes" +"I asked my chef friend how hard it would be to make a stir-fry in a meadow","He said it was just a wok in the park" +"Why did the coffee file a police report","It got mugged" +"What is space like without a space suit","Breathtaking" +"He nearly fell off the roof laughing so much. Father working on the roof. Wind blows the ladder over. Him - Well It3mUs3r, I guess this means I'm counting on you now","Me - Don't worry Dad: I won't let you down" +"A fisherman is selling fishing supplies at a market","An insecure rich man comes up to him and asks, “what’s your net worth?”" +"Why did the blind man fall into the well","Because he couldn't see that well" +"A boy climbed up onto his Dad's shoulders and started reciting numbers 1. His father said Hey. What are you doing. Get off of there. His son replied Dad - don't let me down","I'm counting on you" +"What's better than a bag of shredded cheese at 3am","2 bags of shredded cheese at 3am" +"Why is the Kool-Aid man able to break all those walls","Because he's made of Punch" +"Matthew. McConaughey is for. Matthew","McConaughorses." +"Got my students today I'm explaining problem solving to my HS freshmen physical science class and I get to the part about the formula, which I call a relationship . I say that I, personally, am in a long term relationship with my ex-girlfriend. I thought you were married a bunch shout out. I am, my wife used to be my girlfriend. Groans ensued, but the best part was one young lady shaking her head saying I hate you so much Mr","RichardCranium_" +"I was never close to my dad when he died","Which was lucky really because he stepped on a landmine" +"Never expected to get rich when. I started making statues of divine beings in religions. But","I am making prophets." +"Why must all your father's jokes be dadjokes","because he's a groan man" +"What did dinosaurs have that no other animals had","Baby dinosaurs" +"I’m working for a charity that provides support for elderly grapes","My job is in raisin awareness." +"So my dad noticed a breeze. Dad: Sorry guys, but your computers might shut off. Me: Why. Is the power going out. Dad: I'm closing windows. Me: Really dad","Dad: I saw a window of opportunity" +"I went to a zoo and they had a brioche roll in a cage","It was bread in captivity" +"Why did the octopus cross the road","To get to the other tide" +"yummy. So the","I said *If you think that snowcone is lemon flavored urine for a surprise! *" +"Did you hear about the sick bird","He had owlergies" +"What's worse than ants in your pants","Uncles in your pants" +"Helped my son get my wife Me: What does a horse say. 4 y/o: Neigh. Me: Horses are neigh-sayers. 4 y/o: Yup. Runs into the other room. Horses are neigh-sayers","(Laughs hysterically) Wife, not impressed: What are you teaching him" +"A Seal-y Riddle Q. What starts with e, ends with e, and contains one letter. A","An envelope" +"What do you call an optimistic rhino","A rhiyes" +"My little brother was messing with my grandfather in the car. Bro: You don't even know, old man. I get so many girls. Gdad: Not with that face you don't. Bro: What's wrong with my face. Gdad: Egg-Zachary disease. Bro: Egg-Zachary disease. Gdad: Yeah, your face looks eggzachary like your rear","Bro:" +"I have just been diagnosed as being color blind","I know, I know, it’s certainly come out of the purple" +"My wife walked in to see that our boys had built a fort in the living room. She shouted, ''PUT THOSE CHAIRS AND BEDSHEETS BACK. I yelled, YOU HEARD YOUR MOTHER","as I climbed out of fort…" +"How big is the difference between a man and a woman","There's a vas deferens" +"Customer asked if we had any, good buys","I told him, See ya" +"Told my dad it cost me $1200 to get my septic tank emptied","He said no shit" +"Not trying show off. Last night","I completed a puzzle in 1 hour and the box said 2-4 years." +"Happy Ballet Day. It's 2/2","Plie have a good one" +"What's E. Short For","Because he only has 2 tiny legs" +"What kind of cake do you get at McDonalds","A stomachache" +"If you're injured, call the law offices of. Passing a billboard for the law offices of Powell, Powell, and Powell, I said to my wife, Those are the attorneys I would call. Why","They're obviously the most Powell-ful firm in town" +"What type of horse has the best vision","A Sea Horse" +"What’s a seamstress’s favorite beverage","SEWda This joke had my mum in stitches" +"The perfect outfit can make a good day great https://i. redd. it/32qkvjdpobk21","jpg" +"Define a percussion instrument","Beats me; I have no idea" +"My son broke his foot My son broke his foot a couple days ago and we were out buying his school supplies and he looks at me and says, Son: my foot is tired Me: you should give it a break","😁😁😁 but you already tried that" +"I was talking to my uncle about building a PC, and we got into an argument about how much RAM was sufficient. my dad, out of nowhere popped this pearler Ive got a problem with my RAM.","It's Missing a horn" +"I call my gas pedal 'Vincent'","Because it makes my van go." +"Why did the printer go to the gym","To get toner" +"What do ghosts do to stay fit","They exorcise" +"Kid and I go to doctor check up. He was down to his Avengers underoos and feeling fantastic, nailing every test the doctor threw at him. Look at the light. “no prob” Say ahhh. “AHHHHH”…OK on the ground now. Can you touch your toes “you got it”, Jump up and down. “nailed it” ok can you stand on one foot. pause…. he proceeds to walk over to the doctor and stand with both his feet on top of her left shoe, hanging onto her leg for dear life. The doctor was crying she was laughing so hard. My boy was so proud of himself, he came back over to me with the biggest smile on his face and I gave him the biggest, most well deserved high five of his life","Love that freakin kid" +"Where do I go if I want my head chopped into four pieces","The headquarters" +"I got a joke about a functioning alcoholic","The punchline works, but it gets a lot of booze" +"My dad in the cinema A good few months ago, my dad and I were at the theatre watching The Hobbit Part 2: The Desolation of Smaug. As the movie finished and Smaug flew towards Laketown, my dad said loudly, Well this is really draggin' on","I groaned" +"What do you call a female turtle. Thanks dad","A clitortoise" +"I texted my dad while golfing today [Here's the screenshot](http://imgur","com/V8H7tH6)" +"Mom asks dad when her cat scan appointment is . Dad: ''I'm doing a cat scan right now. *Points to cats as he scans kitchen* 1, 2. '' This was about ten years ago","It's still a classic" +"I left my. Adderall in my. Ford. Fiesta. Now it's a. Ford","Focus" +"Every time I finish a meal Me- so full. I'm done","Dad- you're not dumb you just don't try hard enough Me- Dad, I'm finished Dad-No honey you aren't Finnish you're American" +"Asked to borrow a belt from my dad yesterday. I asked my Dad if I could borrow his brown belt. He said sure, but when I tried it on the prong went 4in past the last hole. Me: Dad, it's too big Dad: What. Let me see that","*puts belt on himself and hooks into the second loop* Dad: I don't know what you're talking about, this fits just fine" +"Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days","Dunno, they're just a bit shady" +"How do you approach angry, Welsh cheese","Caerphilly" +"How to stay dry during rainy weather","Don't go outside" +"I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 and the clock struck midnight","Same shit, different day" +"I saw my friend yesterday setting fire to his University of Phoenix degree","He was hoping that a better one would rise from its ashes" +"When you die which body part dies the last","Your pupils, they dilate" +"My son asked me for some. Preposition. H","He said his vowels hurt" +"Man, I swear something is wrong with my left hand","It never does anything right" +"My left nut thinks it's much better than my right nut","He can be very egotesticle" +"My dad hit me with this one a few days ago. We're thinking about getting a dog. A vizsla. I thought it was pronounced Vee-sla Me: What are we going to name the viszla","Dad: Mastercard" +"They grow up so quickly Just know my daughter asked: What's for dinner. I said, Food. She then said: What kind of food. Not letting me speak, she answered herself: I know, the type I eat","Brings a tear to a poppa's eye" +"What do you call a religious bag of weed","Holy smokes" +"What did The Proclaimers name their dog","500" +"Why shouldn't you use “Beef stew” as a password","Because it's not stroganoff" +"What are they teaching kids these days. My 2 year old little girl was sitting at the kitchen table eating her dinner. It was me and my wife and her, just chilling. So, she drops her napkin on the floor and I pick it up and hand it to her, to which she says thank you daddy. So, I ask her if she can say thank you in spanish. Thank you daddy, in spanish I almost choked on my meal I laughed so hard, and my wife groaned","I have never been prouder" +"Check your balance. I was in a bank and an old lady asked me to check her balance","I pushed her over" +"I would just like to take the time out of your day to give a shout-out to the sidewalks","For keeping us off the streets…." +"Whats the difference between a hippo and a zippo","A hippo is a large, heavy mammal, a zippo is a little lighter" +"What do a lion, a witch, and a wardrobe have in common","Narnia business" +"I ordered a small nacho appetizer after the wife said I'll just wait for my food. but when it got there, of course she wanted some. So she started reaching and I said, You can help pay for this, since you want to . chip in","She didnt help pay for it :/" +"I like most kinds of sausage","but German sausage is just the wurst" +"My eight year old asked me - papa do you know why I like Fridays. Me: Is it because you can look forward to the weekend","My kid: No, it is because I like all things fried" +"Where do you find a cow with no legs","Right where you left it" +"Had a dream. I was a car last night","Woke up feeling exhausted" +"I named my horse Mayo","Sometimes Mayo neighs" +"Why was the chubby doctor always talking about the weather","Because he was a meaty-urologist" +"Grocery clerk just showed me what's what. I had got some alfredo sauce for a quick meal this week. She scanned it and said, Oh. Is that Alfredo in there. I said yes","She said, Well you better let him out" +"Did you hear about the two antennas that got married","The reception was amazing" +"How’s the weather in South America","It’s Chile" +"Confucius knew the answers to all of life’s questions","The same cannot be said of his twin brother, Confusion" +"Why can’t elephants use computers","Because they’re scared of mice" +"Why does the person putting your groceries in a bag at grocery store always ask where you want your eggs and your loaf of bread","Because baggers can’t be choosers" +"Have you heard of this thing called masturbation","It really comes in handy" +"My school used to give out wintergreen lifesavers to students taking standardized tests","But gum is our new tester mint." +"What does verbatim mean. One of my anklebiters is doing homework and she asked, >What does verbatim mean. so I had her read it word-for-word out of the dictionary","She was not amused" +"Got my Dad today Watching a show about Ancient Egyptian tombs Archeologist: Temperatures here have reached upwards of 115 degrees Fahrenheit. Me: More like Pharaoh-heit","My Dad: You get your shitty sense of humor from me, I'm sorry" +"[x-post] random comment in /r/food includes amazing dadjoke Imho, the father of /u/SweatingToilet joins the dadjoke Hall of Fame with this gem. https://www. reddit","com/r/food/comments/3t402c/roommate_gave_me_a_cutout_from_a_magazine_and/cx31fbt" +"Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon","Food is awesome but there's just no atmosphere" +"Our printer stopped having brakedowns","I guess you can say it developed a coping mechanism" +"I don't generally tell dad jokes","but when I do, he still doesn't laugh" +"What's a pirate's favourite letter","I thought it was C, but things change" +"Enchiladas are just Americanized BS","Everywhere else they’re centimeteriladas" +"How do you find Will Smith in the snow","You look for fresh prints" +"Bus driver. Dad joke. The bus pulled up and had a bit of tree stuck in the door, so. I took it out, as","I got on the driver looks up and says oh i'm just branching out" +"I hate when people ask me what I'll be doing in 3 years. Come on, guys","I don't have 2020 vision" +"Hey, would you look at that","That" +"Husband just dropped this on our son. For context we have a pair of Guinea fowl and a pair of pheasants that have a coop in our back yard. 5 year old son, husband and I discussing our birds. Son: So are our birds married. Me: Yes, didn't you get an invitation. Son: No. Maybe there wasn't room in their coop","Husband: I heard the officiant was a cardinal, and the live entertainment was flock of seagulls" +"My wife got me with a good Krakatoa dad joke We were talking about the eruption of Krakatoa. I was going on about how the sound circled the earth 4 times, and how it was so loud it burst the eardrums of sailors 40 miles away. Without missing a beat my wife said Krakatoa. More like Krakaneara","She's got better dad jokes than me, I'm failing my daughters" +"I read the obituaries every day","I’m amazed that everyone manages to die in alphabetical order" +"Why don't jazz musicians use guns","Because they jam" +"My wife has arranged a tour of the Weetabix factory for my Birthday","I just can't wheat" +"So my dad took me to dinner yesterday . (true story) He ordered a chicken breast entree. The waitress said, Ok, and you get two sides with that. And he said, I already have two sides, see. Left side","Right side" +"I finally got my license. But","I don't h🥑" +"Some people say. I’m too “patronizing” (That means","I treat them like they’re stupid)" +"We were looking at drug prices at work. Coworker: This is a racket. How do they justify charging an extra $3000 for something like sodium bicarbonate. Me: Right. It's not like it's some fancy, top-secret compound. It's pretty basic. My other coworker is a chem major about to enter grad school","He made me go work in the corner for a while after that one" +"Got the wife her response is why I love her. So we were talking about plants and I randomly come up with: If you stab a vampire with a cactus doesn't that make it a succulent steak. She groans and can't help but giggle as she literally face palms, but complains none the less I thought you loved me. I laugh even harder. You're proud of that aren't you, why you are so proud of that. When you shit in your hand and throw it at strangers that is nothing to be proud of","Tell you fellers she's a keeper :D" +"I was addicted to soap but now","I'm clean." +"What kind of milk does a cow drink","The utter kind" +"Saw a car late last night pulling into a business for Restaurant Accounting , wife asked what he was doing there so late. My reply: He must be cooking the books","She just stared at me" +"I told my manager that I'd quit because they weren't giving me enough training. OK, you know where the door is, he said","No, I don't, I replied" +"How far can a mummy swim","A Nile and a half" +"My wife asked me how. I managed to sneak candy into the movie theater. I told her","I had a few twix up my sleeve." +"I've got 2 kids. One is dumb, the other two are smart","The dumb one doesn't count" +"How do you make holy water","you boil the hell out of it" +"A man named Rita * Senorita","* NO, it's senor Rita" +"My girlfriend and I were talking about driving in foreign countries. Her: Urban Italy looks like a bad place to be with a rented car. Me: Yeah, I suppose there are some very old & busy cities there. Her: I don't know if I could do it. My Dad drove in Greece and that was bad enough. Me: Oof yeah, sounds sketchy. Though you'd think they'd have cleaned it up by now. Her:","Me: The greese" +"Today. I kicked someone off their chair","They didn't stand a chance" +"What noise does a bird make when it's sitting on a street","Stweet stweet" +"Yesterday, I crossed a road, changed a light bulb and walked into a bar","My life is turning into a joke" +"Outside of a dog a book is man's best friend","And inside a dog it's too dark to read" +"I was thinking about making a belt out of old wristwatches","But that would be a waist of time" +"It takes guts to try and manscape your testicles","I guess you can say it also takes balls" +"Do You know what makes my day","The sun" +"Like father, like son My brothers come to pick me up from school, so I text me dad that we're headed home. Dad: Ok. Take time drive careful, Lee Me: Will do","Much appreciate, Ed" +"So I got an anti gravity book the other day","I just can’t seem to put it down" +"How do you call a presentation about the medieval populous","A peasantation" +"Got a girl I was talking to on a dating site Her: I have a vast array of colourful trousers that i plan to extend Me: Why how long are your legs","I think my chances with this one just went down EDIT: Spelling" +"Dog walks into a bar with a sling and a gun. Bar tender says we don't serve dogs in this bar","Dog replies I'm looking for the man who shot my paw" +"Sitting on the couch and. Gfs little brother runs up to me with a potato peeler and yells couch potato","Nice" +"Why don't teachers give out 'E's in grade school","Because, they're afraid that if they ran out, they'd be in grad school" +"I brush after every meal","And the dentist thinks my hair is lovely" +"Two fish Two fish are in a tank","One says to the other: I'll man the gun, you drive" +"What do you use to clean up a spill in space","A vacuum cleaner" +"I was on the phone with my wife and said, I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on. After a twenty second pause, I asked, You still there sweetheart. Yeah… she replied","But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…" +"I have been looking for an apple I lost a few hours ago","So far, the search has remained fruitless" +"Me telling my dad I’m bisexual: Me: okay, so. I would identify as bisexual. Dad: and that means you would have a male partner Me: yep Dad: and a female partner. Me: yep Dad: and that means your bi Me: yep Dad: so that means if you don’t have a partner your on standbi","Me: Me: Me: Me: did you just" +"How do priests make holy water","They boil the hell out of it" +"What do you call a Navy Seal with a prolapsed rectum","bad ass" +"Why isn't a fleet of helicopters","just called hellacopters" +"Can't believe he stole my gate. Got my whole Tafe class with this, thanks to a good setup from a mate. He says: I can't believe that guy stole your gate. The class: what the hell. Me: yeah, I was watering my front lawn, and this bloke walks up to my gate, looks at me, picks my gate up off its hinges and walked off with it. The class: what. You didn't say anything. Me: no, I didn't want him to take a-fence","The class: laughs and groans of disappointment as they realize they fell for it" +"I’d buy this camo dress for my wife, but","I just couldn’t see her wearing it" +"How does a Chinese cat greet you","Ni meow" +"Why should you date a baker","All it takes is flours to get into her pantries" +"I think I aced the drug test at work today","Nobody got higher than me" +"My friends aren't talking to me anymore. Friend 1: He was electrocuted by playing with high tension wires. Friend 2: Oh my god. I wonder how much that would hurt. Me: He was probably in shock","*Friend 1+2 glare*" +"How was the Roman empire cut in half","With a pair of Caesars" +"What did the drummer name his twin daughters. Anna One","…Anna Two" +"Who is the best cricket player","Batman" +"When is a door not a door. When it's ajar","*Source: My dad*" +"I was writing a text, and Autocorrect changed “killed” to “kilt”. Well plaid, phone","Well plaid" +"I'm going to start a bar and call it the. Morgue","It's a place where you can crack open a cold one with the boys." +"Son: Dad, today in science class I learned we all have tiny hairs inside of our cells","Dad: That's cilia" +"you know what the best part about a house with a septic tank is","you get to own your own business" +"Where do botanists go when they first join the military","They go to Root Camp" +"Pull out and pray isn't just my preferred method of birth control. It's also how","I use my debit card" +"I need to tell you something, and. I'll be frank","And you can be steve." +"Upgrading my phone. Me: I hate that everyone keeps taking my cell phone charger in this house. I'm gonna upgrade my phone so can have a different charging port. Wife: That's a poor excuse for wanting an upgrade. Me: You mean a port excuse","Wife: Ugh" +"I tried to reserve a spot at the library","But they said they were booked" +"Why didn't the skeleton cross the road","He didn't have the guts" +"I'm Deaf, I teach sign language, and I hadn't heard this Helen Keller joke before. (Technically I haven't heard any joke before, but. ) I was telling my dad about tactile sign, which is what deafblind people use to communicate. It is like signing condensed ASL with someone's hands on yours, and it is what I plan on specializing in when I am a Certified Deaf Interpreter. He brought up Helen Keller and the conversation went as follows. Dad: But how many people can really do that. How many people could really communicate with Helen Keller. Me: Well- Dad: PROBABLY JUST A HANDFUL","I'm borderline convinced he deafened me as an infant in hopes that someday the set up for this joke would present itself" +"This morning at breakfast. Me: do you want this with honey","Son: No, I want it without honey Me: What's Outhoney" +"Did you hear about the Italian chef that died. He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. We must send olive our prayers to the family","Here today, gone tomato" +"I took my son to the baseball game to see his superhero","Batman" +"So if. Dwyane. Johnson actually runs for president,","He'll win by a landslide" +"I used to be addicted to soap. But now","I'm clean." +"I'm reading a book about the history of glue","I just can't seem to put it down" +"How does a Muslim close the door","Islams it" +"I was making my daughter a sandwich and asked her what kind she wanted. We can do peanut butter with either peach preserves or honey, I told her. Honey, please","That's fine, I thought, the peach preserves are my jam anyway" +"People in Athens hate getting up early","because Dawn is tough on Greece" +"The boy was watching a nature documentary yesterday. and he watches a starfish eating it's prey. So I asked, How does he know which sea creatures to eat","I mean, does he know which ones are a friend and which are anenome" +"My father's reaction to a 'laser hair removal' advertisement. Well gee","If *I* had laser hairs, I'd want them removed too" +"I told my son, I just made a film about an exotic cake. Where's it set in. he asked","&#x200B; I said, The oven" +"What do you call a nose with no body","Nobody knows" +"Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships","I beat the raining champion" +"What concert only costs 45 cents. 50 Cent ft","Nickelback" +"I just had to spend some time cleaning my bathroom","Turns out my son has piss-poor aim" +"My daughter wanted to play a little cards http://imgur","com/a/5jt6nAB" +"Say the opposite of each of these words 1). Always 2). Coming 3). From 4). Take 5). Me 6)","Down" +"My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe","he dropped the beet" +"I can't believe my dad got me with this one today. Me and my dad drive past a graveyard Dad: You know why I can't be buried there. Me: Why","Dad: Cause I'm alive" +"Did you hear about the mailman who was taking the mail, coating it in paté, and sticking it in his underpants","It was undie livered" +"My wife got me today She asked me to make the coffee and I said okay. She then says you know it says in the Bible that man should make the coffee. I said oh I didn't know that where","Without skipping a beat she says Hebrews" +"I keep telling my boyfriend. I don't want trash lying around the house","So he finally took the hint this morning and moved out." +"A horse enters a bar and orders a drink. When he’s finished, the barkeep asks if he wants another. The horse replies, “I don’t think I do. ” and vanished from existence. To get the joke, you need to know Rene Descartes’ theory “I think, therefore I am. ” But if I explained that before the joke, I would be putting Descartes before de horse. <Staring into the crowd like Fonzie Bear>","I’ll show myself out" +"I want to die like my grandpa did, in his sleep","Not screaming like the people in the back seat of his car" +"Dadjoked my geography teacher today. We were talking about how in London, there are congestion charges and the parking is super expensive so electricians often hire a driver because it ends up cheaper than paying the other charges","I said Trust an electrician to find the path of least resistance" +"What do you make with epileptic lettuce","Make a seizure salad" +"Who is this Arthur Itis guy","I've never met him, but everyone says he's a real pain" +"How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb","A Brazilian" +"When does a regular joke become a dad joke","When it becomes apparent" +"Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day","set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life" +"I didn't think caffeine would give me a sore throat","but every time I have it I get coffee" +"I tried to make a rainbow but was unsuccessful. I had to go to prism before","I figured it out." +"A Pirate walks into a bar with a ships wheel attached to his zipper. The bartender can't believe his eyes and asks why its there","The pirate shrugs and says aaarrrr, I don't know but shes driving me nuts" +"Why should you only drink apple juice","Because OJ will kill you" +"What do you call a teacher that won't pass gas in public","A private tutor" +"My wife and I were arguing on an airplane. She was trying to convince me to join the mile high club","I told her, I'm sorry, but I don't give a flying fuck" +"How do you keep a Reddit user busy","[Like this]" +"What do you call a cow that’s been knighted","Sir Loin" +"At the dinner table last night Family: *eating food* *Brother and Sister arguing about who sits where* Me: Hey, both of you shut the fork up. *Dad looks at me proudly and smiles* Dad: Hey, that wasn't very knife *laughs and smiles at him* Me: What, too spoon","*mom just sighs and leaves the table and brother and sister stop the arguing*" +"I started a boating business in my attic","Sails are through the roof" +"My Australian friend was told he may no longer handle marsupials","I guess you could say he has been dis-koala-fied" +"A lot of things are bad for your soul, but the worst of all","Running" +"What do you call a stain left in a living room by a Danish person","A Denmark" +"My friend caught a guitar fish. Me: how did it play. Friend: it was out of tune Me: should have used a tuna","*groans all around*" +"Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom","Because the pee is silent" +"What kind of bird is always on its knees","A bird of prey, I’ll see myself out guys" +"Did you hear about the guy who jumps off moving trains","He's going off the rails" +"What is the most common type of owl","Teet-owl (Tea towl)" +"Quarters in the gas tank So money's a little tight right now and I had a 10$ roll of quarters I was going to use to put gas in my gas tank. When I picked up my girlfriend from her school she asked, Did you put those quarters in the gas tank","Yeah, I replied, I put them in the tank, though I probably should have just bought gas with them" +"Every time my dad stubs his toe we hear this sung from the other side of the house","I fought the wall, and the wall won" +"The weather is stormy where we are and conditions are uncertain. My wife asked if we'd be able to hear the wind tonight. I said, It's wind, dear","Whether we hear it or not is up in the air" +"My girlfriend said, I adore you. So I responded, I agate you. She was confused, and after a pause she goes, I don't get it","A gate is bigger than a door, babe" +"What kind of pants do ghosts wear","Boo jeans" +"What did the pirate say on his eightieth birthday. I'm eighty","&#x200B; (say it out loud" +"Why did the chicken cross the road","To have its motives questioned" +"What do you call Iced Tea that tastes really bad","Nestea" +"What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air","A quick pick-me-up" +"What item in your household is the most furthest","Sofa" +"I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday. I suppose chicken soup","IS good for the soil" +"What do vegan zombies eat","Graaaaaaaaains" +"What do you call James Bond in a jacuzzi","Bubble-O Seven" +"At the doctor's office I was student observing/shadowing a doctor a few days ago. I went with the nurse into the patient room and she says This is perrbear, he's currently shadowing the doctor. Would you mind if he sits in. The husband responds Sure, shadows have never bothered us. although I've never seen one with a face before","I smile as he guffaws to himself" +"Why are the new knives so expensive","Because they're fitted with cutting edge technology" +"The renal system really pisses me off","I look at it and say, are you kidney me?" +"So a group of nuns is golfing near some men A man swings his club and fails to hit the ball. Man: God damnit, I missed. A nun shakes her head in disapproval. The man swings again and misses yet again Man: Damnit, I missed again. Nun: Sir, if you keep on swearing like that, you're gonna go to hell. The man then laughs and dismisses the nun's comment. He makes one more attempt at hitting the ball, but to no avail. Man: God fucking damnit","The sky then goes dark, a lightning bolt strikes the nun, and you can hear a thundery voice say, God damnit, I missed" +"I still can't believe he tweeted this to his millions of followers. http://imgur","com/a/wPzCC" +"How do you comfort an English teacher","There, their, they’re now…" +"If you have a bladder infection . then you know urine trouble","(Groan" +"what do mice pray to","cheesus" +"Why did Hitler like multiple choice exams","The answer was often not C" +"On the phone this morning I answered my phone to this: Me: You haven't called me lately","Dad: Good morning, Lately (dad chuckles to himself)" +"I rented a bulldozer to get rid of all the small bumps and hills in my garden. When i was done, it was even worse then before","I cant even" +"So we got two rats for my little sister and my dad wanted to name them","He called the first one 'rata-one-ee' and the other 'Ratatouille'" +"I can only handle 25 letters of the alphabet","I don't know why" +"The first time my dad meets my girlfriend and he is driving us past a cemetery. He points it out to my gf and asks, “How many people do you think are dead in there. ” “I don’t know, maybe a thousand. ” she replies. “All of them are dead,” he says","My gf gives me that “you are the same person as your father” eye roll look as I grin and nod my head, knowing I will now use this joke every time I pass a cemetery" +"What did the father buffalo say when his boy went to college","Bison" +"A sweet old man who stops by to chat when he goes out for a walk told us this joke. (His wife had said Don't tell anyone your silly joke. It's horrible. ) Old Man : Never fall in love with a tennis professional. Us : Why Not","Old Man : Because love means nothing to them" +"What type of bee doesn't sting","a boo-bee" +"I was out in the club and they played The Twist, so I did the twist. They played the Macarena, so I did the Macarena","Then they played Come On Eileen and I got kicked out" +"Son: Dad what are you going to do today. Dad: Well first I'm going to get a pair of glasses. Son: And after that","Dad: I'll see" +"Hank Green Tells 41 Dad Jokes in 4 Minutes https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=FFym8JwlYxY" +"Being vegan is so easy. I literally just stare at the sun and I'm full","Thanks photosynthesis" +"what shoes do ninjas wear","sneakers" +"I didn't like my new haircut at first","But it kinda grew on me." +"[NSFW] Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary","It runs in your genes" +"There are two reasons why. I would never drink toilet water","Number 1 and number 2" +"I've been watching a lot of stuff about paratroopers","It's been making me really jumpy." +"Why was Russia late to the UN meeting","Stalin, as always" +"Dadjoked my teacher girlfriend last night She was preparing to teach a unit on light, and asked me to look something up in the manual for her. As she handed me the book, Her: This is the light teacher's manual. Me: Feels pretty heavy to me","*Glare* Her: You're not funny" +"from my old man Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party. Idk dad, why","He was lookin for a tight seal" +"What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and a wooden engine","It wooden go" +"A 3 foot 6 inch psychic has escaped from jail","Police say there is a small medium at large" +"Why did the stone mason break up with the con artist","He was taken for granite" +"No bread for my sammich. Wife tells me to write it down on the shopping list. Alrite, but I dont think thats going to help. http://imgur. com/a/DvSOz Wife: Ha","Ha" +"I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from Mexican prison","After I duct, I found I conduit" +"Dogs cannot operate an. MRI","But catscan" +"Not even my dad My wife and I were out running when she saw a couple we know about to leave their house. She stopped to talk them. Her: Hey. Are you guys going to come to the party and check out the chicken coop I just built. Him: Oh, probably. Though I hope the chicken coop only has 2 doors. Her (completely confused): Yeah, it does actually have 2 doors. Him: Good","If it had 4 doors it would be a sedan" +"How do you find Will Smith in the snow","You look for fresh prints" +"What time dose Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon","Tenish" +"When is the best time for a dentist appointment","2:30" +"Why didn't the skeleton cross the road","It didnt have the guts" +"What is the difference between a letterbox and an elephant's bum. You don't know","Remind me never to ask you to post a letter" +"Our doormat is looking old","We've worn out its welcome." +"TIL that Swedish Fish are actually shaped like Sweden, not fish","Yeah, it turns out the fish part is a red herring" +"What does a frog say when you ask how deep the water is","Kneedeep, Kneedeep" +"I found a really nice chair on sale the other day, but. I wasn't sure it was worth buying","I decided to sit on it for a while and decide later" +"My wife suddenly looked at me and asked, “How would you describe me, honey. ” I said, “That's easy, ABCDEFGHIJK. ” Frowning, she questioned, “What the heck does that even mean. ” I continued, “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot. ” Blushing, she chuckled, “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK","” I sang out, “I’m just kidding" +"What do you call a nocturnal elk","Sleep deerprived" +"How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm","You look for Fresh Prints" +"A group of crows were receiving their PhDs at their college's commencement ceremony when the police showed up","They were all arrested for third-degree murder" +"She's SO lucky to have me. Wife: Do you want me to make you a naan chicken flatbread for lunch","Me: Well if it's not chicken then what is it" +"Cooking with the girlfriend My girlfriend and I were making homemade mozzarella sticks while drinking a few beers. I asked her how many eggs to put in the mixture and she said two. So I responded with oh, you mean Dos-Eggies","She didn't find it nearly as funny as I did" +"My dad's response to a street comedian Street comedian in NYC walks up to my dad and says, Excuse me sir, I think you dropped your bag of cocaine","Dad responds, Nah, I've got my coke right here, while holding up his bottle of Coke" +"Growing up in the midwest, Dad never failed to make this joke every time we drove past one of these things. [Dad: HEY. ](https://imgur. com/buCfzsm) Us: WHAT","Goddammit" +"My dad just told me a rather dark dad joke On the news there were reports of 2 nuns being killed and I asked my dad how did they die","And my dad responded with that's nun of your business *groan*" +"What do you call a symphony comprised mostly of pigs. [The Porchestra](http://mrwgifs. com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Creepy-Laugh-By-The-Evil-Witch-In-Disneys-Snow-White","gif)" +"I was washing dishes, and my SO comes in and says she doesn't know how I can just do that without any music turned on our anything. I said, But I am listening to music","This is Simon and Garfunkel's the sound of silence" +"Chemistry dadjoke So near the beginning of the semester, I'm sitting in high school chemistry when the teacher's going over some homework. On the homework, there was a section with a chemical and a few temperatures, where we had to state the phase the chemical would be in when at those temperatures. The guy in front of me was answering aloud and said solid for each temperature. I leaned forward and whispered I'd say that's a pretty *solid* answer. However, almost everyone in the class apparently heard and let me know by groaning, facepalming, and putting their faces on their desks","I then had that great opportunity to sit back and take in the success" +"Dad, could you name a philosopher","Kant" +"Knife to meet you http://files. explosm. net/comics/Kris/jokes. png","t=2E5779" +"A four word joke Me: Hey","Horse: Sure" +"It's a Leg-O http://i. imgur. com/KUrjKqm","jpg" +"Why do traffic lights turn red","You'd blush too if you had to change in front of all these people" +"Dad Road Rage Video https://youtu","be/hD-vWO8YlAA" +"The. Waiter told me All of our chicken is free-range . And","I replied He doesn't look very free there on that plate" +"I called the council today because a family of ducks were trapped in wet concrete","“Can someone come and fix the quacks in the sidewalk” I said" +"Going up an elevator at our hotel on vacation. I noticed it was made by Schindler","I pointed at the name, looked at my gf and said look it's Schindler's lift" +"Did you hear about the two robbers who stole a calendar","Yeah they each got six months" +"What do you call a ghost chicken","A poultry Geist" +"Why was six scared of seven. Because seven ate nine But why did seven eat nine","Because they say you need three healthy, squared meals a day But it kinda sucks though how the Spanish magician, stole all of your three meals and disappeared without a tres" +"A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears: Bump… Bump… Bump… Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. Bump… Bump… BUMP… Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him. Faster… Faster… FASTER… Bump… Bump… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him. Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup. Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as the casket","And… The coffin stops…" +"How do Eskimos have kids","They rub their noses together and a little snot comes out" +"My nickname for my wife is “hinge","Because she is something to adore" +"Doctor: what's your weight . Patient: with my glasses, it's 80kg. Doctor: what's your weight without glasses","Patient: I can't see" +"Wife: Hey, this job says you need a degree. Me: Ha, I'm 98","6 degrees" +"A scuba diver and a marine sit at the port. The scuba diver turns to the marine and says I can't handle this job anymore,. I undergo too much pressure","The marine looks at the diver and tells him It may be hard now, but once you get used to it it'll all be smooth sailing" +"I killed an ant in the kitchen","No relatives have visited since" +"Don't rely on Freddie Mercury bringing lots of cakes to your bake sale","He only wants to bake three" +"I may be young but I still made the cashier at Walmart cringe with this one. I bought a case of Natty lights. As she was scanning it she said, wow this is really heavy to which I responded No, they're light. It even says so on the box","I was so proud of myself" +"Catch the train. Co-worked said In DC I used to have to catch the metro and I think it helped keep my weight down","I said well yeah that must have been a lot of running" +"I drank something at a bar and sang polka parodies for a good 15 minutes","That was some weird al cohol" +"What’s the quickest way to get ahead in life","Decapitation" +"I hate perforated lines","They’re tearable" +"Dad joked my girlfriend recently We were driving through the mountains a few weeks ago and passed through a small tunnel. Upon exiting I exhaled sharply and started panting like I was struggling to hold my breath the whole time. GF: Sounds like you almost didn't make it","Me: Yeah, for a second there I had tunnel vision" +"Q: What is a pirates favorite letter","A: Aye, you think it's the C, but it really be his mate-E's" +"My girlfriend dadjoked me this morning We were looking at a really fuzzy, obviously cropped picture on facebook Her: That's a really croppy picture","Me:" +"There is only two things I can't eat for breakfast","Lunch and Dinner" +"Dad Joked my Dad He offered me a drink in the pub. I wasn't thirsty, and said I wouldn't have anything. Dad: Why aren't you thirsty. Me: Because it's not thirsty, it's Friday","He has taught me well" +"Asked if. I like blowing air at people:. No","I'm not a fan" +"One of the best things I saw today was a chandelier","Definitely a high light" +"Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage. To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump. Dad just dropped this one on the fly while watching the Movie","Cue an entire family's groans" +"I must have shown up late to the Kleptomanic Conference","All the seats were already taken" +"Why can't you tell a secret in a corn maze","Because the walls have ears" +"Dad joke war just broke out at dinner About ten minutes ago at dinner war broke out. My little brother (4 years old) and my little sister (8) were fighting so my mom told them to stop which made my brother cry for some reason. My dad said are you crying. And he said yes. My dad goes hi crying I'm dad. Which made him cry more. He kept doing it to us and I look at him seriously and say are you gunna stop. And he sighs and says fine. I go hi gunna stop I'm Gage. And he bursts out laughing. My mom made us apologize to my little brother because we made him cry more with our jokes and then had him apologize to my sister. I say to my brother are you sorry. And he said yes. Ya you know what happened next","I went back to my room after dinner and I just heard my dad say to my mom hi gunna kill myself I'm dad" +"I wasn’t sure what to wear to my premature evacuation seminar","So I just came in my pants" +"Christopher. Wallace was shot dead on this day 22 years ago","Still, no biggie" +"My son was freaking out because he couldn't find his belt to wear to school. To console him,. I suggested that perhaps he might win the. No","Belt prize." +"If you're stuck using a razor you dont like, just have faith","If you believe, you will be shaved" +"I got my picture taken yesterday. I’m still hoping","I can get it back" +"If life ever gets you down, just move to the south of France","What have you got Toulouse" +"Thank you all WW2 Vets","Those injured pets will be forever grateful" +"I walked by a store with a sign that said “Television $1- volume stuck on full”","I thought to myself “I can’t turn that down!”" +"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend","Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read" +"I fell asleep with my phone under the pillow last night and when I woke up, it was gone and there was a dollar bill in its place","Must have been the Bluetooth fairy" +"My morbidly obese friend died the other day","The news was heavy on me" +"My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2","Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had" +"Why was the cross eyed teacher so bad","He couldn't control his pupils" +"Here's a selfie taken with the leader singer of REM","That's me in the corner" +"Did you know that protons have mass","I had no clue they were Catholic" +"The only thing flat-earth believers fear is","sphere itself" +"The first French fries weren’t cooked in France","They were cooked in Greece" +"Got Mexican takeout My wife wanted a chicken burrito, but they gave her steak. She wasn't irritated; apparently it was pretty good. Me: So you weren't annoyed by their mis-steak. She pretended she didn't think I was hilarious","It's so charming" +"I was never really good at maths","There's just something about subtraction that doesn't add up" +"You’re a sandwich Me: Dad, make me a sandwich","Dad: Poof, You’re a sandwich" +"It wasn't a joke at the time, but it makes me laugh now. As toddlers/youngins whenever we'd fall down and start to cry, my dad would be like OHMYGOSH HOLYCRAP oh NOOO. The floor. Did you hurt the floor. And we'd be shocked into forgetting we'd just fallen (and gotten scared-hurt) It was hilarious seeing younger siblings do this- to go from traumatized and in desperate pain to stunned in about half a second. guppy faces and wide eyes like- 'oh *no*. I'm not the victim here at all, am I. ' Maybe you'd have to see it to understand","Surprisingly, it really did make everything stop hurting" +"How do data scientists quantify rabies outbreaks","In megabytes" +"What did the uncircumcised penis say to the insurance salesman. I'm already covered. edit: shameless plug - wrinkledforeskin. wordpress","com" +"Got my son with an oldie I heard years ago Talking about sea navigation in the old days. 9YrOld: So how did they cross the ocean. Me: In old sailing ships (blah blah more explanation) 9YrOld: Did they go fast. Me: No, but they got several thousand miles to the Galleon","9YrOld: <facepalm>" +"What was the last thing went through the bugs mimd when it hit the windshield","His ass" +"Got the wife today. We've been trying to procreate and it has been taking a while so she went to the doctor. She informed me via text that the doctor says her left side doesn't create many eggs, but that her right side more than makes up for it. (You can probably see where this is going)","I responded with so I guess you could say you are *all right* She never saw it coming" +"You matter. That is, until you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared","then you energy" +"My wife is a terrible wrestler","But you should see her box" +"One of the particpants at an adult foster care home dropped this bomb. I work at a house and take care of two gentlemen with mental disabilities who live there. One of them dropped this gem today: Him: What would happen if I didn't have a mouth. I couldn't talk. What would happen if I didn't have a nose. I couldn't smell. What would happen if I didn't have any ears. I couldn't see. Me: Do you mean you couldn't hear","Him: No, my hat would fall down and cover my eyes" +"My wife bought me a two-legged table. I pretended to like it","But the truth is, I can't stand it" +"My dad ringing a friend: Dad (it appears the friend's son answered): Hello, this is mister Wallbanger, is Mr Wall there. Child on phone (probably): Uh, no. Dad: Is Mrs Wall there. Kid: No. Dad: Are there any Walls there. Kid: No","Dad: Then what's holding up your house" +"Why does Peter Pan always fly","Because he Neverlands" +"*Going to a fancy dress party* Wife: What are you going as","Me: I'm going as an island off the coast of Italy Wife: Don't be sicily" +"My little brother needed help putting his shoes on Little Brother: Dad can you put my shoes on","Dad: Sure but they might be a bit tight" +"Where does the one-legged man work","IHOP" +"What do you call a cold, angry pig","A ham-brr-grr" +"Where did Napoleon go to the bathroom","At the waterloo" +"How does NASA throw a party","They planet" +"What do you call a hen with lettuce on its eye","Chicken Caesar Salad" +"Why do ducks have flat feet. To put out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet. To put out flaming ducks. How do elephants get flat feet. They jump out of trees. How do elephants climb trees","They sit on an acorn and wait" +"Fun whiskey fact: when creating Buffalo Trace bourbon, the first couple of attempts were complete failures","They even went so far as to destroy all records of the early products which is why you never hear about Buffalo Uno or Buffalo Dos" +"My wheel wants to sleep,","He’s tired..." +"How do you get pikachu on a bus. You poke him on. (Has this been done before","I’m new here)" +"Why did the phone wear glasses","It's because it lost all of its contacts" +"I tried to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but couldn’t do it","Good players are hard to find" +"What did one ocean say to the other ocean","Nothing, they just waved" +"Darth Maul, Darth Vader and the most famous of them","D'artagnan" +"So I was reading a study about how eating fruit causes cancer, but I dunno","I don't think it was pear-reviewed" +"Pregnant partner got me with this one We were watching and feeling the baby kick. She seems particularly active today. Wife turns to me and says, Looks like she's playing Poké-MOM","We're going to embarrass the snot out of this kid" +"Two things I can’t stand There’s two things I can’t stand 1","People who don’t finish their thoughts" +"I walked past a mirror shop today I thought","I could see myself in there" +"My friend's father pulled this one on us. Me and 2 friends were having a sleepover, we were all in the kitchen making food when my friend's father needed to pass through. Friend: 'Sorry, are we in the way. ' Dad: 'No, you're in the kitchen","'" +"A proud father: My son got my wife today Today we were eating and my son ate a carrot without using the fork so my wife promptly said: Don't eat with your fingers. to which he answered: I'm eating with my mouth. I was soooo happy and my wife had to let it slide","(We don't speak English so I hope the joke isn't lost in the translation)" +"What’s the worst time to be drunk","When you’re a drink" +"“Jesus Christ, I’m more than 15 minutes late for my 3 O clock appointment","—John, 3:16" +"Why didn’t the man use the penny machines at the arcade","He was afraid of change" +"My first dad joke as a father. My first son was recently born 5. 5 weeks early (he's doing great. ) As such, we hadn't set up a crib or nursery room yet in our apartment. Sitting around with my wife and aunt last night talking about how stressed we were bringing a new baby home to an apartment where we had no place to put him inspired the following exchange. Wife: It was kind of like the baby Jesus. no room at the inn kind of situation. Me: Yeah, we ended up having to have him spend the night with our goat. (Pause) Me again: I felt really bad for the kid","And our son too" +"Son: Wow nice dad joke","Father: Jokes don't have dads" +"When is a car no longer a car","When it turns into a driveway" +"I bought a book about procrastination","Still haven't gotten around to reading it." +"The maintenance man was spraying bug spray in the office mailbox this morning. He said he was trying to kill this spider. I told him not to, that's where we get our webmail","He thought I was an idiot" +"Schrödinger's cat went into a bar","And didn't" +"My wife told me she'd leave me if I don't stop making Microsoft puns, and I need some advice I immediately left my Office and tried explaining myself. Sure, on the Surface I do it often, but I think it Works. It's not just about Word play, either; my Outlook on life helps me Excel. She and I have such a great Team Foundation, I Azure you. I wanted to Exchange my thoughts with her, so we could work with OneDrive. I looked her right in the Windows of her soul, to Access the deepest parts of her heart, and told her I loved her. Completely on Edge, I awaited her answer","PowerPoint of the story is: does anyone know of a good divorce lawyer" +"My wife asked me which zoos I liked best","I corrected her and told her, there is only one Zoos, the Greek God of the sky and king of mount Olympus" +"I’m Dad. nice to meet ya This is the latest joke making its way around our house. My kids started it — I swear. And I’ve perpetuated it. Much to their dismay. Typical exchange, usually around the table: Kid: “I’m hungry. ” Me: “I’m Dad. Nice to meet you, hungry. ” Kid: “ARGH. I’m serious. ” Me: “well, I’m still Dad, Serious. ” Kid: (Thoroughly annoyed. ) “Can I be excused. ” Me: “Well, I’d prefer you stay Serious","If you’re not Hungry, though, you may leave the table" +"Why was the Mona Lisa being tried for murder","Because she was framed" +"What's brown and sticky","A stick" +"What is the difference between Murphys Law and Coles Law. Murphys Law is the idea of anything that can go happen, will happen","Coles Law is just very thin sliced cabbage" +"What do you give a sick lemon","Lemonaid" +"A blind man walks into a bar And a table","and a chair" +"What's the bare minimum","1 bear" +"How much is 1/8th of a byte","Just a bit" +"Have you heard of Murphy’s law. Me: yes","Dad: how about Cole’s law Me: no what’s that Dad: its a bunch of very thinly sliced cabbage" +"Windshield wipers Wife: it's not raing too hard. Can you turn the windshield wipers down, they are making me motion sick","Me: Don't you meen they are making you SEE sick" +"A man went to a restaurant and asked what the special was. The waiter responded, “Cow tongue. It is very tender and has great flavor. ” The man was very upset and said, “That’s disgusting. I’m not going to eat something that came out of a cow’s mouth","Give me two fried eggs instead" +"What did the vowel say when 'E' saved his life","Aye E, I owe you" +"During a conversation revealing a family friend had cancer. While waiting for a table at a restaurant, we were discussing if my girlfriend's mom would cut off her hair when the friend lost hers. Suddenly her dad asks, What kind of candy cow doesn't produce milk anymore. We all stare blankly until he continued Milk duds","After a moment of silence his wife suggests we get a drink from the bar while we wait" +"Kid: Look Dad, I can pop a wheelie on my bike","Dad: That's wheelie cool" +"Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down","You have my Word" +"I always struggle to reach the top of the library","Too many stories" +"I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte","It was a millennial falcon" +"Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat","Because if they fell forwards, they’d still be on the boat" +"My son brought me a permission slip to join the safety committee at school","I signed it, but I still can't figure out why the tea isn't safe" +"What is the opposite of an argument","An aren'tgument" +"Little sister dad joked our Dad So me and my family went on a whale watching trip on a Sunday afternoon. We were hungry so me, my dad and my sister waited in a concession stand line to buy snacks while we were on the boat. My dad tells my sister to grab what ever she wants and she looks at him with the biggest smile and says Oh don't tell me that dad, Ima go. over board","Highlight of the trip" +"I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast","It was a millennial falcon" +"Every time he's driving","*big bug splats on windshield* Dad: He won't have the guts to do that again" +"BREAKTHROUGH: MOMJOKE. YAY. Mom: Who was food for the week","Me: *Raises hand* Mom: And who wants food for the strong" +"What do you call it when Batman skips church","Christian Bale" +"What kind of bagel can fly","A plain bagel" +"Why are there only 239 beans in a can","If there’s one more, it would be too farty" +"What is a fairy’s favorite drink","Sprite" +"My wife bought me soy sauce to help ease my depression","Kikkoman when he's down, I guess" +"If you want children, considering marrying a goat farmer","They're good with kids." +"Have you heard about Elton John’s new comedy tour","It’s a little bit funny" +"Working today got hit by a surprise dad joke. I work at Burlington Coat factory and was assigned to work in the shoe department today. A kid comes up and it goes like this. **Me:Is there anything I can help you with today sir. ** **Kid:No I don't think so** Suddenly a wild Dad appears form a blind corner **The Dad: Yeah he could use some style. ** **Me: Well I can't help with that right now but I can sure help with shoes** **The Dad: Oh alright. Thank you. Have a good day","It was nice shoe meet you** Made my night" +"What do you call ghost boobies","Spiritual entitties" +"My wife asked me if I thought she could be pregnant","I told her it was conceivable" +"Jokes about unemployed people aren’t funny","They just don’t work" +"Apple is ditching. SSDs and going back to spinning disks. Tim","Cook claims they're revolutionary." +"Dad Jokes","A steak pun is a rare medium well done" +"Hey, you know what the beaver said when he slipped in water","Damn it - Phil Dunphy (Modern Family - Halloween 4: The Revenge of Rod Skyhook)" +"Dad said this after dinner I made dinner for my parents tonight - falafel, tzatziki, pita and hummus","After my dad was done eating, he said Man, I am falafull" +"Me and the family were watching Breaking Bad The episode finished and my dad looked at me dead straight in the eye and said Brilliant, although I think missie (our dog) would've enjoyed barking bad better and started howling with laughter","Jesus christ" +"This incredible series of events happened yesterday. We were in pre-service prayer time hanging out for everyone to come into the room when this conversation. Pastor 1: John and I were getting donuts and discussing theology. Pastor 2 (from another church): glad you were having donuts, they're a holy food. Pastor 1: man, that joke is really sweet. Pastor 3: man, you guys are really on a roll","I laughed, their were many moans and eye rolls" +"A man who wants to date a nurse","Must be patient" +"How do you throw a party in space","You planet" +"My 2yo got me. I was going over animal noises with her and I get to what does a fish say","And she responds I need water 😑😑😑😑" +"Whaddya call a deer that cain't see. No eye-deer","(Say it in yer best southern accent)" +"Wife: Did you know that you keep reciting the vowels under your breath whenever you are stressed. Me: Sometimes","Why" +"Did you hear about the Norse god who went through a shrink ray","He was a little Thor afterwards" +"Which days of the week are the strongest","Sunday and Saturday, the rest are week days" +"The best sex I ever had was on a camping trip","It was fucking in-tents" +"I don’t like to use the word “gun”","People get triggered" +"Why do bananas need sunscreen","Because they peel" +"Whats forest gumps password","1FOREST1" +"The reason why Minecraft is a perfect game is because","They didn't cut any corners" +"I've just returned home, disappointed with my new haircut","Dad: It'll grow on you" +"I heard an amateur cultist try to summon Cthulhu","but I don't think he R'lyeh knew what he was fhtagn about" +"I shot a commercial for a. Podiatric clinic today. I think","I got some pretty good footage." +"I got my own private jet The rest of the jacuzzi belongs to my wife","" +"The doctor told me my vocal chords were damaged","I was speechless" +"An open letter to all of you","C" +"Do you know what duct tape is good for","Fixing quacks in your ducks" +"What do you call an unshaven British Spy","Stubble-07" +"My dad died on 02/19/18, this joke came to me while signing paperwork at the funeral home. What do they call the best salesman at a funeral home","The Top Urner" +"I bought a broken vacuum","It really blows" +"BBC is rumored to be working on a new sequel/prequel series to Doctor Who","It's titled Nurse What" +"Drinking wine with my parents when my dad duped me My dad asked my mother to pour him another glass. She poured the wine the same way you would pour water into a bottle, but it is common knowledge that you must tilt the wine glass for a proper pour. Me: Aren't you supposed to pour it on an angle. Dad: Why yes, how else would the wine come out","I nodded and silently wished I could be half the man he is one day" +"A brewery in. Finland has perfected the never ending beer. It's very hard to","Finnish" +"What do you call an egg that is neither good nor bad","Mediyolkre" +"I tried to cook according to a recipe but the food was bland","I should have taken it with a grain of salt" +"What did the farmer say to the plumber when he commented on the size of his pipe. I'm a grower, not a shower","" +"My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called '1001 cures for itches","I guess, I've got to start again from scratch" +"What does a 6'5 butcher weigh","Meat" +"Our pet bird Enza escaped from our house yesterday","We opened our windows, and Influenza" +"Why don't people like spicy peppers","Cos they get jalapeño business" +"My son told me he's edgy. So","I gave him a smooth-ie to cure him" +"Did you know Donald Trump is against Kraft Singles","He wants to make America grate again" +"The Fast and the Furious 8 My brother turned to my dad and told him that apparently Vin Diesel won't be in Fast and the Furious 8","My dad quickly replied with Yep, I heard he's being replaced with Vin Unleaded" +"One time. I had a doughnut stuffed with icing","It was filling" +"Where does a one legged waitress work","IHOP" +"A king needed to name his soldiers. Queen: let’s go sleep now. King: no. I need a name for my soldiers. Queen: k night. King:","OMG babe ur a genius" +"Shout-out to all the dads. I came to realize that dad jokes are often bad because they are actual original content","Dad's sacrifice their dignity by constantly trying to make jokes and once in a while a good one is made and used by the family members who take all the credit" +"What type of bagels can fly","Plain bagels" +"After a child eats a big chunk of ice cream at once, Arghh, dad, my brain","Dad replies, Huh, that really makes you think, doesn't it" +"For my Grandpa. Q: Did you hear about the map-maker from Arizona, who got fired from his job","A: He had no sense of Yuma" +"So my boss got me today Boss was doing an audit day with me today and another of my coworkers dropped in a little after lunch. She was talking about being bored and how time was going so slow and my boss throws this one at us: Boss - Yeah when I was younger I had a job where I got paid to stare at a clock. Me - Nice. Sounds like a good gig","B- Yeah, I worked in a clock factory M - *facepalm*" +"We attended my sister's boyfriend's funeral at 9 A. yesterday, but she didn't seem very upset and didn't cry at all","I asked her why and she said, She's not really a mourning person" +"Dad joked my daughter at Target Me: do you want to look at anything while we're here","Daughter: umm, no I don't want to see anything Me: then you should probably close your eyes" +"What kind of car do Jedi drive","2002 Buick LeSabre" +"What did 3/4 say to 2/8","You make me whole" +"Mom here but hope you like it. Why do skeletons stay calm","Nothing gets under their skin" +"For all you IT workers out there. Heard this masterpiece today after a virus prompted all office users to shut down and prevent it from spreading: The Trojans are coming","One of by LAN, two if by c:\" +"I lost the family thesaurus","I couldn't find the words to describe how upset I was" +"I was cutting cabbage real thin when I cut myself","It was Murphy’s Law and coleslaw colliding" +"Dads and Donuts. *Us driving to a store to get drinks* Dad : This after church traffic is awful, surprised no one is at the donut shop. Me : Don't you know. Christians hate donuts, duh. Dad : Why","They're holey I died" +"Did you hear about the fire at the circus today","It was in tents" +"My grandad recently passed One of his favorite things to say was that he was getting around to it Anytime we asked him why his desk was so unorganized that was always his response. As we were cleaning out his office we found this and i could help but laugh. https://imgur","com/a/5WV0r" +"I'm here to model underwear and play guitar. And buddy, my last","G-string just broke" +"I taught my cat to speak and ask her why does she hate vacuum cleaners","“They suck” said the cat" +"What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public. A private tutor","(Don't kill me if its not original, first time I heard it by my father in law)" +"A farmer and his dog are herding sheep. They finish and his dog says I counted 40 sheep . The farmer replies, That's odd I only got 37","” The dog replies I rounded them up" +"I’ve been saying “mucho” more when talking to my Hispanic friends","It means a lot to them" +"what does a botanist dad grow","sonflowers" +"And he said it in complete passing You know, the other day I tried counting how many feet a centipede has","Then I realized that they're metric bugs" +"My girlfriend too leaves notes around the house. [Imgur. ](https://imgur","com/a/gM2a2)" +"Golfing with my dad My dad who is an avid golfer steps up to the first tee today and says You know why they call me BMW. Me: Why","He proceeds to crush his drive down the middle of the fairway and says because I'm the ultimate driving machine" +"I like my coffee like. I like slaves","Free" +"I just want to say something about. Christmas. Something about","Christmas" +"I only bougth vegetables for last nigths. BBQ","That was a huge missed steak" +"My dad told me to stop pretending to be a farm animal","He was sick of me horsing around" +"If Austria had a space program","Would they be called Austranauts" +"Simon Says I came home from work and my 3 and 4 year old kids told me they learned how to play Simon Says. I thought a test was in order. Me: Simon Says, clap your hands. Kids: [clap clap clap] Me: Simon Says, touch your nose. Kids: [touch their nose] Me: Simon Says, lick your finger. Kids: [lick their index finger] Me: Put your finger in your ear","Kids: [put their index fingers in their ears]" +"So my kids want to become a Boy Band I went to their first practice, and they spent the whole time tripping over each other while trying to dance","I guess they weren't N-Sync" +"Why did Apple celebrate the release of their plus-sized phone","Because it was a huge 6s" +"Driving home: hey dad, it's kinda warm in here. Do you mind if I crack the window","Just open it, like a normal person" +"What kind of milk is invisible","Past-your-eyes milk" +"Why didn't the spooky boy cross the road","Because he didn't have the guts" +"Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund","Someone told him to get a long little doggie" +"Why is the ocean so salty","Because I didn’t wave back" +"Jason. Pierre-Paul. Speaking to my co-worker about. Jason","Pierre-Paul's disturbing firework incident to which he responds yeah, *he really blew it*." +"Dad joked my sister after she voted yesterday I walked in the house after work yesterday and my sister was wearing her I voted. sticker on her cheek. I said to her, You voted. and she sarcastically replied, How could you tell","It's written all over your face" +"[VIDEO] The ultimate dad joke showdown (2:33) I stumbled across this on youtube and thought it was pretty funny. I hope you enjoy it. https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=YXDh-1dvkNs" +"What's the difference between a homeless man on a unicycle and a businessman on a bicycle","Attire" +"Why don’t the Amish drink alcohol","Because they’re always on the wagon" +"I hate spelling errors","One simple mistake and your entire post is urined" +"Dun Cow This happened about 5 years ago and I'm so glad I finally have an outlet to retell it. My wife and I were out to dinner with some friends and one of them says, My favorite book is The Book of the Dun Cow","I replied, I bet you can't find that at a rare book store" +"Why didn't the skeleton pull the trigger","Because he didn't have the guts" +"What do you call a snake that's 3. 14 feet long","A π thon" +"I would like to share you this joke about peanut butter but I won’t","Because you might spread it" +"During the summer you can normally say it's a nice day. But during winter","its usually an ice day" +"A rant about expensive drinks","I was just venti'ing" +"What does A&W stand for. Amburgers & Wootbeer","Full disclosure I hear this joke on Stop Podcasting Yourself all the time and it makes me laugh everytime" +"Why do seagulls fly over the sea","Because if they flew over the bay they’d be bagels" +"My brother accidentally dad joked. He's going to Japan for a month between July and August. We were chatting about where he is staying and his flights. I asked So who are you flying with. . he replied Greg","It tickled me because he didn't think I was referring to the airline" +"I was quite proud of this. My sister and brother-in-law travel occasionally, and when they do, they board their dog, Tika, in a kennel (which he loves, because he's very social around other dogs). So I recently had this conversation with a friend. Me: Nan and Jeff are going to New York. Friend: Oh cool. Will they be boarding Tika. Me: No, they're going by plane","*ba-dum-tiss*" +"What’s the best time to go to the dentist","Tooth-hurty" +"Happened today with my 5 year old Daddy, do you think we can go by walk to Walmart . No. Why","We are going to Walmart not Walkmart" +"I told my dad we're going mushroom hunting. **Me**: Hey dad, we're going mushroom hunting early before we meet up for Mother's Day. **Dad**: Nice","Stay out of truffle" +"Asked the missus if she fancied any dessert. Her: I feel like some yoghurt. Me: You don't look like yoghurt","Her: *eye roll*, *shakes head sadly*" +"Why did the lizard go to the doctor","Because he had Areptile Dysfunction" +"Why did the cookie went to the hospital","Because it felt crummy" +"My dad cracked this one when he couldn't find his highlighter","I guess it's a byelighter now" +"What do you call a child born in a whorehouse","A brothel sprout" +"When we leave Europe, technically we'll be in","Brexile - courtesy of my dad" +"BREAKING NEWS: Man-in-parachute accidentally lands on a Ferris Wheel","Paramedics say he's slowly coming around" +"What happens when a hen looks at a lettuce","Chicken Caesar Salad" +"Where do you go to weigh a pie","♪ Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie ♪" +"A guy walks out of a hotel and says to the doorman, Call me a cab. You're a cab","Overheard a dad say that to his two young boys while walking to the train this morning" +"Got my dad last night. My dad and I were preparing streaks for the family, he tells me how i should put it on the grill. Dad: so when you put these on, lie them down at a good 45 degrees, after 5 mins, turn them 45 degrees the other way, get a nice cross pattern on them. Me: 45 degrees. Dad that's pretty cold I doubt it'll cook in 5 mins","" +"Jack was greeted by several people this morning","He got hijacked" +"What’s the only day that doesn’t end in ‘y’","Tomorrow" +"I opened a place that sells Dad Joke inspired drinks","you could say they’re my SpecialTea" +"My 4yr olds favourite joke told every few days. Why can't you give Elsa a balloon","Because she'd let it go" +"What do you call a 600pound gorilla with a shotgun","Sir" +"Got my wife yesterday My wife got a new set of colored pencils and was excitedly showing off how many different colors there were. She asks me Guess how many shades of grey there are. Too easy. Me: (without looking up from my phone) About 50","Her: Groan and a glare in my direction" +"So I bet my friend","That he could not name one thing that I don't have a joke about He said, beavers And I said, dam" +"Got the girlfriend while cuddling Cuddling on the couch in an embrace I grabbed her boob and started to nod off. She noticed and said: *Every time you grab my boob you calm down. You're like a baby","* To which I replied: *It's the breast stress relief" +"I made a chicken salad earlier","The cheeky sod didn't even say thank you." +"Astronomers got tired watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours","They decided to call it a day" +"What do you call a 3. 14m snake","A π-thon" +"A tornado destroyed my cheese shop","There’s nothing left but de brie" +"We got an upgrade of our hotel room","Fucking suite" +"Why was the man singing after he broke up with his girlfriend","Because he could see clearly now Loraine is gone" +"Dad joked my girlfriend the other day. We were at McDonalds getting a coffee when she asked me to go to the separate counter and get her come sugar. I replied with, Why. You're already so sweet. The woman making the coffee dropped it because she was laughing so hard and the old couple behind me burst out laughing","I can't wait til I become a father" +"As. I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said","You know, one would have been enough" +"What do you call a reptile that asks a lot of questions","An interrogator" +"My grandfather is really frustrated that he has to take the stair chair lift because of his age","It’s driving him up the wall" +"What’s long, brown and sticky","A stick" +"Why do cows wear bells","Because their horns don't work" +"What do you call a bee that lives in america","A USB" +"These two jacked missionaries came to my door glorifying their new gym","I told them I had no interest in joining Jehovah's Fitness" +"I walked into a greengrocers today and asked for some potatoes The grocer said “would you like king Edwards","” I said “no thanks, I’d rather have my own”" +"We just had a second baby. The baby started to cry so my wife asked me to check if we still had similac formula left","I told her we were similackin" +"My friend asked to borrow some chloroform","I told him to knock himself out" +"How much is it for a pirate to get his ear pierced","a buck'n'ear" +"What kind of haircut do bees get. A buzz cut","(Credit to my 7yo daughter, who will be a great dad one day)" +"Trump : Nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought this new t","and it said, Built in Antenna I don't even know where that is" +"I pulled this one as a kid on a family trip to London Family went to high tea one day. Me: Can I try some of yours. Dad: Sure","[Taste the tea, hand it back] Me: I like it but it's not my cup of tea Family: [Bursts of laughter]" +"I've reduced my wine consumption to just one glass before bed","I went to bed 7 times last night" +"I think I passed the high-point of my life without realizing it","It was quite a sneak-peak" +"Ebay is useless","I tried searching for lighters All I found was 13,769 matches" +"I saw my young daughter crying over her homework yesterday, so I said… Talk to me baby, a problem shared is a problem halved","Unfortunately her problem was fractions, so she had no clue what I was talking about…" +"During dinner my Dad tells us he's HIV positive Dad: I would just like to tell everyone now that I have HIV. Me: What. Dad: Yes, HIV. Hair Is Vanishing","(then he bows his head down to show the balding part of his head) edit: was on mobile, fixed the formatting" +"My wife complains I don’t buy her flowers","In all honesty, I didn’t know she sold flowers" +"I have a flat tire. I should have bought","Asparagus" +"The record for the longest nose in history is 11 inches long. Why can't it be any longer than this","Because if it were any longer, it would be a foot" +"I ran over the cat's tail yesterday. So I took him to Wal-Mart","They are the world's largest retailer after all" +"Today I saw an ad that said radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full","I thought, I can't turn that down" +"My 4 year old","While getting ready for my cousin's kids' birthday party she grabbed her toy wand and dropped this one: Daddy, will the party be wand-derful?" +"I walked into the kitchen to find yet another yoghurt floating in mid-air","I've had enough of these Paranormal Activia" +"Watching Jeopardy. Here's the sequence: Alex Trebek: And the category for Final Jeopardy today is 'The Titanic. ' Clue when we come back","Dad: I always get a sinking feeling when that's the subject" +"I should invest in horse farms,","I heard they have stable profits" +"My husband got me in the middle of business time My husband & I had been to see Dave Chappell, went to dinner, had some drinks, & got a hotel room. As the evening comes to an end, we start doing our thing. Then all of a sudden it happens. He yells E. bone home. as he thrusts his erection in my general direction. With all the alcohol we had recently consumed, we laughed until we cried. Then resumed our adult activities","This is why I married him" +"I tell dad jokes, but I have no kids","I'm a faux pa" +"A truck loaded with Vicks Vapour Rub crashed on the freeway today","There was no congestion for 8 hours" +"My dad this morning on team Canada figure skating in the Olympics Mom: Oh look, Team Canada is in second place for team figure skating","Dad: Oh, that figures" +"I had to return the glasses I bought as an anniversary present for my wife","She still can't see things my way" +"What’s the best part about having two dads. Not celebrating Mother’s Day What’s the worst part of having two dads","Hearing them celebrate Father’s Day" +"How do you make an eggroll","Push it" +"How do subatomic pirates mutiny","They make the captain walk the planck" +"Dad Jokers of Reddit, I need your help I’m about to ask a friend of mine to Prom, and she’s an exchange student from Denmark. She’s also a huge fan of puns. Thus, I’ve come to the finest community of Reddit in search of a good Denmark pun","What’s your best" +"If you order pita bread twice","Does that make it repeata bread" +"Why don’t computer programmers like the outdoors","Because there’s too many bugs" +"I was having an argument with my wife about who should brew the coffee each morning. She said, “YOU should do it because YOU get up first and then we won't have to wait as long to get our coffee. ” I went full sexist pig, “YOU'RE in charge of cooking around here woman and YOU should do it, because it's YOUR job and I can just wait for my coffee. ” She replied coldly, “No, YOU should do it and besides, it's in the Bible that the man should do the coffee. ” I guffawed, “I can’t believe that, show me","” So she fetched the Bible and opened to the New Testament and showed me the top of several pages, that it indeed says, “HEBREWS" +"My friend keeps saying cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water","I know he means well" +"What do you say to comfort a friend struggling with grammar","There, they’re, their" +"If Watson isn't the most famous doctor in the world","Then Who is" +"If. I had a time machine","I’d only use it from time to time" +"I became hopeless after. I forgot my lunch today. I was going to have fruit salad and now","I have no raisin to live." +"My girlfriend said my facial hair was finally growing on her","I pointed at my face and said, No, it's growing on me!" +"Why couldn’t the cantaloupe purchase a firearm","Because he was a convicted melon" +"What do you call it when a rapper kills another rapper","Homiecide" +"My university's Archery Club asks for an original joke in it's application form . I think I'm way ahead of the curve to become a dad My application reads: Why did the German archer refuse to adopt the Euro","Because he missed his mark" +"For my birthday, all I got was a deck of sticky playing cards","I find that very difficult to deal with" +"I was unsure how to spot the difference between crocodiles and alligators","If you approach them head on, a crocodile will see you in a while, but an alligator will see you later" +"A scantily clad geologist is examining some mica","Her male colleague them exclaims; take a look at that cleavage" +"10^x walks into a bar","10^x walks into a bar and the bartender says Why the log face" +"What do you call a baby who morphed into a toad","A toadler" +"What do you call a gambling cow on weed","High steaks" +"Why do you get 7 years of bad luck when you break a mirror","So it gives you enough time to reflect on your mistake" +"I have a good joke about plants","It sounds terrible at first but after a while it starts to grow on you." +"With no buses, trains, or taxis in sight, and my wife going into labor, I figured the only solution was a piggyback","But she refused to give me one" +"Wife said,. Be. Patient. Me:","Who is the doctor?" +"What do you call a Polynesian cow","Mooana" +"What do you call a guy with blueprints","A man with a plan" +"What do you call a alligator in a vest. A investigator. BONUS. What do you call a crocodile with a gps","A navigator" +"Did you hear about the two artists getting into an argument over who was the better","It ended in a draw" +"Dear algebra, Please stop asking us to find your x","She's never coming back, and don't ask y" +"Common sense isn't very interesting to me. I guess","I'm just not that intuit" +"Police have been trying to catch a person stealing people's coins out of their pockets","But so far no change" +"Why was fire sad on July 4th","Because fire works on July 4th" +"How do Mexicans play basketball","Juan on Juan" +"I asked a waiter for 3 steaks but he only brought me 2","I guess you could say that was a missed steak" +"What did the dad say to his long haired son. Dad: You should have gotten a haricut a long time ago","Son: But dad, I did get a haircut a long time ago" +"I came back to a notice on my windscreen the other day that said PARKING FINE","What a lovely compliment" +"There was a kidnapping at my sons school today","It’s ok though cause he’s awake now" +"I got a social media account a while back","I regreddit" +"What happens when the smog lifts from Los Angeles","UCLA" +"A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins","I thought That's a turtle disaster ." +"In a christian marriage, is the wife or husband supposed to make the coffee in the morning","According to the bible, Hebrews" +"I came up with a new word yesterday","Plagiarism" +"I am lactose intolerant and. I was dared to eat ice cream tonight","Please pardon my dairy air" +"What do you give a sick lemon","Lemonaid" +"I got my butthole bleached yesterday. After all these years,","I finally changed my ringtone" +"Well, that was morbid. My wife and I were coming home from the grocery store when we passed a funeral procession coming from the opposite direction. The hearse was just hit by another car at the intersection, to which I said, Boy, talk about DOA","Groans were had and I'll be resuming my shuttling duties shortly, ferrying souls to hell with me" +"Zebras Was at dinner with my SO's parents tonight when the subject of exotic animal meat for consumption came up. SO: I was hoping I could try Zebra while I was overseas last year but never got the chance","SO's dad: yeah, I bet Zebra is chockfull of white meat, dark meat, white meat, dark meat, white meat" +"Why wasn't the dolphin arrested for possession of marijuana","It was for medicinal porpoises" +"My sister is addicted to brake fluid","But it's OK, because she can stop anytime" +"What do u call an elephant that doesn’t matter. irrelephant",",,,,That was the most stupidest joke ,sorry" +"My daughter asked me where I wanted to work. I said The Federal Reserve. She asked Why","I said I want to make money" +"I tried to eat a clock once but I thought it would be too time consuming","and I knew would go back for seconds" +"Volunteered at a bike shop today This bike shop takes in old bicycles, repairs them, and sells them for an incredibly low price. I volunteer there pretty frequently mostly because I want to learn about bike maintenance. Another volunteer and I were working on evaluating a bike to see if it was alright to sell. We were both trying to get the tires off the rims. Fuck, this tire is not coming off. Yeah, it's being really tiresome","He looked at me, shook his head, gave a slight groan, and started to laugh" +"Why did the scarecrow win an award","He was outstanding in his field" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When the punchline becomes apparent" +"This guy has a youtube channel where he makes nothing except videos of himself telling dadjokes. [DysonShow500](https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=Ecf5NCqIpec&list=UU180y5g8Dt_OOF635l_G4sg&index=9)" +"You guys hear about those new corduroy pillows","They're making headlines everywhere" +"I like to keep an open mind","But my brain keeps slipping out" +"After one too many jokes about farm animals, my wife couldn't take it anymore. She told me to get out","I said fine, alpaca bag" +"Remember the cow wars","A lot of lives were at steak" +"Which is your best selling soap dish. We make soap dishes for our business out of various types of wood (pine, poplar, oak",") Whenever I get asked which is our best selling soap dish, I always pick one up and say This one is real poplar" +"You really shouldn't make fun of overweight people","They have enough on their plates" +"What do you call a poisonous moose","Venomoose" +"Dropped this one on a friend tonight. (I start a new job Monday. ) Me: I'll wait until I get paid, then I'll buy some new pants. Friend: That will be a good investment. Me: You mean inpantsment","I'm not looking for a vest" +"A friend of mine is constantly borrowing money. I said to him, “I don’t think you understand the seriousness of your debt situation. ” He said, “Oh please","you really should give me a bit more credit" +"Dad-joked my friend in Target today. Background: my friend and I had been trying on sunglasses for a trip we're going on and were going to checkout at the store. Him: I wish there were some form of self-checkout here Me: Well","There were some mirrors back there by the sunglasses He was not amused" +"Here's an uplifting post for you today https://imgur","com/7eOSDno" +"After passing this guy on our 16 hour family drive today, My son in the back seat says; Dad Waze shows the speed limit is 65mph but we are we are going faster than that. Are you breaking the law by speeding. I had to slow down to let my wife take this picture because I replied It's all going to be ok, [Nationwide is by our side. ](http://i. imgur. com/YRyAJgB","jpg)" +"Got the Girl at the Dentist this Morning Went into the dentist for tooth pain, was told they are going to extract my upper wisdom teeth. The receptionist scheduled me two weeks from now at 2:30. Huh, that's funny. What's funny. My appointment. It's tooth hurty","Groaning and laughter ensued" +"Why is bread just like the sun","It rises in the Yeast and sets in the Waist" +"I accidentally swallowed a race car today","It's fine, I just have some Indy-gestion" +"To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket. You can hide but you can't run","(Haha I make myself laugh every time)" +"Why do bananas like gymnastics","They like to do splits" +"What did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert","No thanks, I'm stuffed" +"Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Donald Trump’s wall","On the condition he gets to install windows🇺🇸" +"Just found out it's my boomerang's birthday","I wished it many happy returns" +"How does the Pope dry his hands","He uses a Papal towel" +"Dad vs. Loose tiles Me: Hey dad, what should I do with the tiles in the bathroom. Dad: Take them to the cellar Me: Okay. There are some loose tiles too, what about them. Dad: I don't care about their moral standing, take them to the cellar","*long silence*" +"Me, said with satisfaction every time","I'm making the bed: Ahhh, that's the sheet." +"Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days","Dunno, they're just a bit shady" +"Explaining serial orientation to dad (not me) http://m. imgur","com/KilTm4j" +"Got dad joked by my SO I was browsing this sub and my girlfriend walks in the room. She promptly asks me what I'm doing and I say reddit. She swiftly follows up with a 'then why are you reading it'","Ughhh" +"Did you hear that diarrhea is hereditary","It runs in your jeans" +"What do you call an Alligator that invests in stock","An investigator" +"Air conditioner technicians","love to vent about their job in order to cool off" +"A man was arrested today for beating a cow with a porcelain figure","Cops say it’s the first case they’ve ever seen of knickknack patty wack" +"Kid:. I'm taking history again and. I still don't get it me:","If you don't learn history you are doomed to repeat it" +"Just told this one to my daughter (10). Me: What did the toe band do. Her: What. Me: They jammed","Biggest eye roll ever" +"I've always liked every audio engineer. I've ever met","They're just sound guys." +"What did the scientist say when he was told there was something under his microscope","I’ll look into it" +"Did you hear about the Mexican train robber","He had Loco-motives" +"Where do belly buttons go to college. Naval","Academy" +"So I'm writing a novel about a piece of bread that floats out to sea","I'm calling it Life of Rye" +"What part of the Titanic is still intact","The pool" +"I am ready At work one of my patients asked me if I was following the details of the missing plane. To which I replied That's kind of tough. how do you follow a missing plane","Got the whole clinic laughing" +"I saw a black bear at our campsite this weekend","It was in-tents" +"Finally decided to try drugs","It was high time" +"If I had a nickel for every time this happened, I wouldn't be me anymore. Just dad joked my gf hard. Gf: Do you have five cents. Aspiring dad: No. I'm Nickle-less","PS: My name is Nicholas The poor girl lost her lungs and eyes in the subsequent sigh and eye roll" +"Dadjoked my mom Played a music piece by Clint Mansell in the car with my mom. **Mom:** This song is good for mourning. **Me:** No it's good for nights too","**Mom:** *eyeroll*" +"I woke up in the middle of the night to see the ghost of Gloria Gaynor in my bedroom At first, I was afraid","I was PETRIFIED" +"My wife has an odd way of starting conversations","She always starts by saying, “Hey, are you even listening" +"While getting ready for a funeral Coworker: Do you know how long we have to wear these mourning bands. Like . When is the mourning period over","Me: Traditionally, noon" +"Why are there no casino's in Africa","There are too many cheetas" +"James May everyone. , Someone we must all aspire to be. (X-post /r/videos) https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=kL-m5Nocb-g" +"What is the worst combination of two sicknesses. Diarrhea and Alzheimer","You’re running, but you don’t know where" +"What do you call Greek pasta","Feta-cini" +"There are 3 types of people in the world:. Those that can count,","Those that can’t." +"A friend was lamenting that Take Me To Church was playing at her son's rollerskating birthday party. She thought the song was too sad for rollerskating","I completely agreed and said there should definitely be a separation of church and skate" +"How do electricians warn each other about dangers on the job","Careful: this mega hurts" +"Did you hear that Al Franken said he will run for President. His running mate will be Jill Stein","It'll be the Franken / Stein ticket" +"What's the best part about living in Switzerland","Well, the flag's a big plus" +"Why are foot injuries so serious","because they take so long to heel" +"Why can't you give Elsa a balloon","Because she'll let it go" +"What do you call a pilot who is suspended from his job","Grounded" +"My friend asked if I could explain what the land beside the sea was","I replied, Shore" +"I read an article years ago that most wrecks happen within a quarter mile of your house.","so I moved" +"Grandma spent 20 minutes trying to find her glasses today","It was a spectacle" +"What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep","A bah-humbug" +"I got my brother last night So last night we were drinking with my brother and he asked me for a beer","I gave him a root beer in a squared cup, told him it was just a beer now" +"My dad is so cheap","that when he dies, he'll walk toward the light and turn it off" +"I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds","Poor bastard" +"I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner","It's just collecting dust" +"My friend who worked at an orange soda factory said they had small boats in thier factory","I heard they go sailing on the hi-c's" +"I want to have a word with you. We can split it down the middle","You have i, I get t" +"Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac","He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog" +"Girlfriend dad-joked me earlier","We were laying in bed and I said that I could see her leg out of the blanket, so she turned to me and said, I can see your arm, and it's really al-arm-ing" +"What is the most Halal way to eat corn","Corn on The Ka’aba" +"Disaster at the Los Angeles zoo today when the snake pit was accidentally filled in","The zoo keeper said it's terrible terrible news, now the snakes don't even have a pit to hiss in" +"My plan for infinite money and my dad's response. While we folded our laundry, a bunch of singles made their appearance. I say, we should never stop drying these clothes. We'll be rich. My dad responds, soon the IRS will be on our ass for money laundrying","Groans were had" +"Rudolph The Red and his wife are out walking one day, Rudolph says, “It looks like rain. ” His wife says, “You don’t know that","” To which he replies, “Rudolph The Red knows rain, dear" +"If you want to learn the Gospel according to Shrek, just open your Bible to Psalm","BODY ONCE TOLD ME" +"Russians Now I know we’ve all heard the joke about how people in Russia are always rushing around, ha ha, very funny. But what a lot of people don’t know is that, for a while, Russians were the opposite","Between the 1920s to the 1950s, they just kept Stalin" +"True house cleaners aren't just born to serve","They're maid to serve." +"As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push. Push","” I was convinced it was a Pull door" +"What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common","Same middle name" +"How do you make a sausage roll","Push it down a hill" +"Why was the stadium so cool","Because it was full of fans" +"It's Jamaican hair day at work next week","I'm already dreading it" +"Dad Pickup Line: *looks at girl* hey girl, feel my shirt *girl feels shirt* whats that.","boyfriend material" +"Why did the Energizer Bunny get arrested","Battery" +"Whenever someone asks me if","I prefer maples, elms, or oaks, my response is always the same: It's not a poplar tree contest." +"I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex","He's a small arms dealer" +"Dads, Jokes, and Automobiles On the phone with my dad, he says There goes some idiot driving down the road with no headlights on. Without hesitation I reply, Well, that's not very bright","Dad was proud" +"What did the lumberjack say to the mysterious fallen tree in the middle of the woods","I'm stumped" +"Can you please call me a taxi","You're a taxi" +"What do you call awesome guys named Richard","Fabrics" +"Why do gay people keep smiling","They can’t keep a straight face" +"What’s the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman","The snowballs" +"I asked my friend what it was like to learn Braille, but he won’t tell me","It seems like a touchy subject" +"I thought I saw a murder last night Turned out to just be a crow and raven","False alarm" +"What language do birds speak. Winglish","Owl see myself out now" +"I got a vasectomy so I wouldn't have anymore kids","But I came home and they were still there" +"Every single time we drive by a cemetery. Dad: do you know how many people are dead in there","All of them" +"Why don’t ghosts like rain","It dampens their spirits" +"I don't know the best part about Switzerland. But the flag is [a big plus](https://upload. wikimedia. org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/f/f3/Flag_of_Switzerland. svg/1200px-Flag_of_Switzerland. svg","png)" +"Got the girlfriend while she was showing me family photo albums Her: (While pointing to one of her cousins) She had an unplanned pregnancy at a young age, but that's her fiancé, they've been together for a long time now. Me: Well it's nice to see he's still in the picture","Not even a groan, just silence and an eye roll" +"Did you guys hear about the new corduroy pillows that were invented","They’re making headlines everywhere" +"How did the butcher introduce his wife","“Meat Patty" +"Coworker said she deserved a letter of commendation. I gave her several. http://i. imgur. com/NwxSEJm","png" +"Why do dads tell dad jokes","Because they want to see their kids all groan up" +"Knock knock Who's there. Silent man. Silent man who","(My son made that one up it is now my favorite joke" +"What did the Terminator say when he decided to become a composer","I'll be Bach" +"I showed my dad (a union rep) today's newspaper article about a union rep getting beaten with metal baseball bats I told him Man, this is like something out of the 1930's gangster era. He said No no no, it's nothing like that. Back then, they used *wooden* baseball bats","At least he has a sense of humour about it" +"Working with my dad I've been working with my dad training to take over the business when he retires. After working in production for 10 months he lays this one on me. I'm going to move you to shipping and receiving","That way you can learn the ins and outs of the company" +"For approximately the millionth time. Mom: Boy, the wind is really picking up out there. Dad: Picking up what. Houses","Small children" +"What did the cow that was struck by lightning say","I'm udderly shocked" +"My wife is ready to be a father. Last night, my wife invited her cousin over the house to hang out, as it was her cousins birthday. About an hour after her cousin showed up, my wife was still sitting on the couch watching YouTube videos. I told her to stop being anti-social","Without missing a beat she says That would make you Uncle Social" +"I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger","Then it hit me" +"Our city has a very indecisive mayor","I like to call him Mayor May Not" +"Why are there no pirates in Kansas","They all moved to Arkansas" +"My intestines","It’s an inside joke" +"I used to like french toast","But making it is such a pain" +"Why did the chicken cross the playground","To get to the other slide" +"For some reason black. Friday continues for the rest of the week, i guess that makes today. Black","Sabbath" +"How do you tie up a Martian","With an astro-knot" +"I don’t understand why people hate pineapple on pizza. I mean,","Hawaiian not?" +"What kind of fruit do you serve to the couple whose family forces them to have a big wedding","Can’t elope" +"Dad just emailed me this article about a crow problem in Boston CROW KILLS Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout Cah , not a single one could shout Truck","Absolutely amazing" +"Today my colleague told me that her Asian genes kept her young-looking","I pointed to her pants and asked her where she bought them" +"When every someone says their phone battery is low,","I tell them to hold it up higher." +"On our way home from Gatlinburg. My wife and I are headed home from a few days in Gatlinburg. We passed a billboard for some restaurant or other that read, This exit left. Where did it go","I asked my wife" +"Some intense stuff on the news today. There was a kidnapping at the local school","It was all good they woke him up an hour later" +"What do you call a bee that does not brag","A humblebee" +"Warning: Don't sleep beneath someone sleeping in a hammock","or you'll be under a rest" +"What does the chicken who likes classical music says","Bach bach bach bach bach" +"Last week some guy was accused of burying someone in cement","But there was no concrete evidence" +"I just found out Darth Vader has a sister","Ella, Ella Vader" +"Conversation about yogurt texture Commercial comes on regarding lighter yogurt, not as thick as Greek yogurt. Sister: I actually like thicker yogurt so it's not as runny. Dad: Yeah I don't like runny yogurt either","I can never catch up to it" +"Takes a lot of balls to put up this kind of display https://imgur","com/gallery/AZLNUxk" +"I’m the animal kingdom, it’s considered a heinous crime for a malaria-infected mosquito to bite. The insect police force was tracking one of these malaria-mosquitos, when the mosquito fled to a farm. First, she tried to hide in the house, until the farmer chased her away with a newspaper. She tried to hide in the barn with the horses, but the barn cat took a few swipes at the mosquito, and chased it from the barn. Finally, the mosquito set eyes on sheep in the pasture. she decided all that thick wool would be the perfect place to hide from the insect police force. The police force arrived shortly after. They first went to the house. No mosquito. They searched the horses. No mosquito. Finally, they got to the pasture with the sheep. After searching and searching, they could not find where the mosquito had hidden","The mosquito was on the lamb" +"Do you know why they stopped using the old-style tuna nets. It defeats the porpoise. http://i. imgur. com/bw1fYaO","jpg (I'm a dad" +"What did the Red light say to the Green light","Don't look at me I'm changing" +"I’m never again donating money to anyone collecting for a marathon","They just take the money and run" +"Explaining genetics to our son at the dinner table, my wife got him Her: So, it's totally your dad's fault that you're boys Son: Why. Her: Exactly After a short pause, giggling ensued. Son is 12","Edit: Spleling" +"What do seniors smell like","depends" +"Why I'm leaving /r/dadjokes It's my bedtime","I'll come back when I am available tomorrow" +"My Dad while attempting to smother me. Me: (Pulling pillow off) Quit smothering me","Dad: (Forcing pillow back down) I'm not, I'm sfathering you" +"If a child refuses to take a nap","Is he resisting arrest" +"What do you call an alligator wearing a vest Investigator","Idk if it was posted I'm new here" +"Dad joked my boyfriend this morning, who is also a Dad. Boyfriend: Damn, you make some good coffee","Me: Yeah, one might say I've got it down to a tea" +"How to get an. A on everything:","Commit adultery in a 17th century puritan town." +"Know why they use knots instead of miles in the ocean","Because they've got to keep the ocean tide" +"I've just started a business where I weigh tiny objects","It's a small scale operation" +"A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change in the pulpit. At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire and brimstone orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he was two different people. One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached","Ah, he said, That's my altar ego" +"Child's dad joke I've kind of been encouraging it, but tonight my 18 month old did it all by herself. Getting her ready for dinner, I pull the highchair up to the table. Daughter: Highchair. Highchair","Me: It is Daughter: ****waves**** Hi, chair" +"Does the people who climb Mount Everest. everest >. had to put the punch line on the title","<" +"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy","He said this every time I brought him his first beer for the day" +"I would like to dedicate this joke to my Dad, who was a professional mountain climber. So","dad, if you are up there" +"You know, I can jump higher than a house","Actually, on the other hand, houses can't jump at all so" +"My friend after a long day of hanging out: want to go to Jack in the Box then call it quits. Me: what's wrong with the name it has now","Took him a while to get it then he was pissed" +"Walkie talkie banter At work we use walkie talkies so I asked a guy if they can get something ready at 10:30. He said 10-4","And I said no it's 10:30" +"Eating a clock is very","Time consuming" +"Dadjoked the wife this morning My wife always wants me to get up earlier than needed, even though I have a schedule and know exactly when I really *need* to be up. Today, she threw some clothes in my general direction, and a minute later commented You're not dressing. I looked at her, smiled and said You're not salad","Even she couldn't help but laugh when she realized what I meant" +"I just divorced my wife but not because she was cross-eyed","I found out that she was seeing someone on the side" +"Employer: So what are your career goals for next year","Me: I'm not sure i don't have 20-20 vision" +"Her: You pretended to enjoy romantic comedies when we were dating, didn’t you","Me: Yes, I don’t love Love Actually actually" +"What did the priest say at the apple’s funeral","He had a fruitful life" +"What do you call it when Wilhelm II makes a string of bad puns","A Kaiser roll" +"What did the elements of the periodic table say when they heard that Oxygen and Potassium were going on a date","OK" +"Why didn't the sun go to college","Becauase it has 27 million degrees" +"Daughter was running through Target when she slipped and fell on her butt. She got up and brushed it off and my husband asked her if she was ok. When she said yes he replied, are you sure. Because it looks like your butt has a crack","Instant eye roll" +"To the person who stole my antidepressants","I hope you’re happy now" +"There were 2 muffins in the oven. First muffin: man it’s hot in here","Second muffin: holy shit a talking muffin!" +"When does a sandwhich cook","When it's bakin' lettuce" +"If the earth is flat","Then why do we walk around and dont walk aflat" +"What do you call someone afraid of Santa Clause","Claustrophobic" +"Four CEOs from major Beer companies are all gathered to discuss the industry. The CEO of Budweiser orders a bud light, the Coors CEO orders a Coors light, the Miller CEO orders a Miller light, the Guinness CEO orders a coke. The other three look confused and ask why. If you guys aren't drinking beer","Then neither will I" +"I told my dad he was full of crap","Nope I just got off the toilet" +"You can't run through a camp site","You can only ran, because its past tents" +"I threw a boomerang a few years ago. Now","I'm in constant fear" +"I saw the opportunity on Facebook, and I ran with it. I guess I may be a good dad someday. http://i. imgur. com/R1G3b53","png" +"I kept my comb even though it's been over ten years since I went bald","I just couldn't part with it" +"What's worse than a tailgater","A tailodile" +"Mountains aren’t funny","They are hill areas" +"I'm thinking of making a book about pranks with salt and pepper. I'm gonna name it Seasonal","Pranking." +"Surgery can be funny Asking my dad to drive me to my shoulder surgery. Dad: Sure. I'll stick around too in case Doc needs a hand","To which I reply: Thanks, but I'm not getting a hand transplant" +"My grandma used to pretend she was weaving rugs when she had to think. When she died, she passed the talent to my children","It's a cherished air-loom in my family" +"What did E. 's parents say to him when he phoned home","Where on Earth have you been" +"Which Knight designed the round table","Sir Cumference" +"Dadjoked girlfriend's cat Cat always gets in bed with us at night. Walks and purrs and paws at us. Last night he jumped up on the bed, walked onto my chest and I immediately said, Leo, do you knead something.","and he did" +"What did the mathematician do when he had a hard time pooping","*He worked it out with a number two pencil*" +"Why do golfers carry extra outfits","For when they get a hole in one" +"Got my girlfriend this morning It was kind of late, really","I was expecting one a few weeks ago" +"What do witches use most on their phone","Spell check" +"100 years ago everyone owned horses And only the rich owned cars. Now everyone owns cars and only the rich own horses","My, how the stables have turned" +"I was at the furniture store today but couldn't decide if. I should buy a bed or not. I think","I'll have to sleep on it" +"Why are people in London so bad with math","Because in school, all their instructors were English teachers" +"This Expensive Bandaid","Is a bloody ripoff" +"You need to stop talking to me about vegetables","I just don’t carrot all" +"My father pulled this as we watched transformers What do you call an upbeat, positive robot","Optimistic Prime" +"I just watched a program about beavers","It was the best dam program I've ever seen" +"I can't believe chickens haven't come up with a new sound yet","Maybe they should start thinking outside the bawks" +"why couldn't the bee drive home","It was a little bit buzzed" +"What do you call hot cereal that's gone before you can eat any","Cream of yeet" +"How do you make holy water","Boil the hell out of it" +"BF and I went to the Kiwi version of ComicCon today. We walked past the entrance where people were setting up for card game tournaments, including Magic: The Gathering","He stopped me and said completely deadpan, This is where the magic happens" +"Did you hear about the incontinent hockey player and his new hairpiece","He piddled and parted and pucked around" +"Grandpa got my Dad My dad and I were discussing my moving situation and what I was putting in storage. Dad - Did you get any mothballs","Grandpa without missing a beat - I tried but I can't get their little legs to open Groans all around" +"So. I was just out washing the car with my son","And he asked, “Dad can’t we just use a sponge?”" +"Got my girlfriend yesterday","She just got home from vacation so I picked her up from the airport" +"Told this dad joke to my roommate. So he was blowing into an inflatable floating tube for the swimming pool. Me: Maybe someone should punch you while you blow into it. Him: Why","Me: So that you can get the wind knocked out of you Him: Silent stare" +"The secret service isn't allowed to yell Get down. anymore when the president is about to be attacked","Now they have to yell Donald, duck" +"My 5 year old son got my wife this morning She was telling him about the local children's museum we're visiting today. We've been once before, but it's been a while so he wanted to know what all they had there. Well, remember last time we went, and you played in the kids' grocery store","His reply: Nuh uh, grocery stores don't sell kids" +"Do we have any perturbed Nazis for the sausages. Co-worker: What are you talking about. Me: You know, sauerkraut","Co-worker: Why do you even talk" +"Two satellites decided to get married","The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was incredible." +"My husband made me groan. We were planting some new shrubs. I was digging the holes and he was planting the bushes. I finished digging and called over to him and said the hole is dug . he called back how do you know its name","He was so proud, 3 daughters and his first real dad joke" +"What's a pirate's favorite Cohen Brothers movie","FARRgo" +"As a master electrician of 22 years, I've never had an accident on the job","When I finally had an accident at work, I was shocked" +"This is my step ladder","I never knew my real ladder" +"Grandad is still a dad Grandad- Well I finally got to try out my walking shoes you got me for Christmas. Me- Yeah. How were they. Him- Well I took them out of the box and watched them for awhile, but they never started walking","Guess they're broken" +"I've got a degree in murder","The 1st, 2nd, and 3rd" +"Police. Have arrested a man for going to craft stores and dipping his testicles in the glitter","It's pretty nuts." +"My daughter acted as if she didn't enjoy this one, but I KNOW she did. http://i. imgur. com/xTjEZNI","jpg" +"The secret service isn't allowed to yell Get down. anymore when the president is about to be attacked","Now they have to yell Donald, duck" +"I don't know if anything in my fridge is safe to eat","Everything in there is from last year." +"I accidentally glued myself to my autobiography but no one seems to believes me","But that's my story and I'm sticking to it" +"A ripper. My ten month old son was becoming upset when presents were being unwrapped","I said he must find the wrapping paper tearable" +"Got my wife today while airing up a tire Her- Why in the world did they start charging for AIR","Me- Inflation" +"The three unwritten rules of life: 1. 2","3" +"Every time we go into an ice-cream place Cashier: What would you like","Dad: Do you have any ice cream" +"If you’re all here for the yodelling class","You’ll have to form an orderly orderly orderly queue" +"My mom got run over by a milk truck","Creamed her" +"How do you drown a hipster","Throw him in the mainstream" +"I love joke about eyes","The cornea the better" +"A man went to the doctor. Doc said You'll soon be at peace. The man replied I'm dying","Doc said No your wife is" +"What do you call a person who is happy on Mondays","Unemployed" +"Spilled my side dish on me at a restaurant today","I never slaw it coming" +"My neighbor built a large water container","Dam" +"What do you call a cow with a hysterectomy. Decaffeinated","har har har" +"I invented a new word today:","Plagiarism!" +"My wife said she wanted to have another baby after seeing my brother’s newborn","I told her she’s ovaryacting" +"My four-year-old told my wife he was scared of the dark last night. To which my wife asked When did you start getting scared of the dark","Child: When you turned the lights off" +"What do you get when you cross Charlie Brown with Marshal Mathers","Peanut Eminems" +"I can start a fire using nothing but a box of cigarettes","Just take one out, and it becomes a cigarette lighter" +"I tried to catch the fog yesterday","Mist" +"People with glasses and contacts, rejoice","In two years, we’ll all see 2020" +"Proud dad moment. Joke from my soon to be 6 year old daughter. “How did the bee get to school. ” “On the buzzzzz","” So proud" +"12 year old daughter singing her revised version of “Creep” by Radiohead. “I’m a creek","I’m a riverrrrrrrr" +"Electric eels don't get depressed","They try to remain positive" +"What do you say to a one legged hitchhiker","Hop in" +"An. Open. Letter to the. Reddit. Community","C" +"What do you call a guy who just got a leg bitten off by a lion","An ambulance" +"All she wanted for her birthday. Was pink Beats. http://i. imgur. com/T0jRGM3. jpg edit: Reddit gold for a dadjoke","Now, truly, I am a proud father" +"Someone asked me where a good place to eat was","I said, a table is an excellent place to eat" +"Why is mum getting a hysterectomy. Daughter: Why is mum getting a hysterectomy. Me: Well, the Doctor said it was taking up too much womb. Daughter:","Me: (☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞" +"Hung on the wall at the lab (x-post /r/funny) https://i. imgur. com/8oYKk78","jpg" +"The one about the Two horses are talking in a field. One starts telling a story about the races at sandown, where he was coming last with no chance, when all of a sudden he got this tingling feeling up his back. Went real fast, passed the others and won the race. Other horse says 'that's amazing' same thing happened to me, I'm trailing the field, and I got a wierd tingle up my back, burst of energy and I won the race. In the next field a greyhound is walking past, he says to the horses 'excuse me' I couldnt help but overhear your conversation, and I have to tell you that even I, at haydock got that tingle in my back, and won the race. The one horse turns and says to the other","'Fucking hell, a talking dog" +"Where do Chinese geese live","HONK HONK" +"My wife asked me if I want to go out to eat for my first father's day I said, No. Every mother fucker is going to be out that day. It took me a second to register what I said, so I turned to her and smiled","She rolled her eyes" +"Cardigan My wife and I talking about family pictures, and what we should wear - Wife - What do you think about putting him (our son) in a cardigan. Me - Have you put him into a card before. Wife - What. Ugh","Shut up" +"A friend of mine has decided that people should only wear one type of fashion","He's very clothes-minded" +"How much room is needed for fungi to grow","As mushroom as possible" +"I got my girlfriend real good. Girlfriend came home from a rough day of class and asks me to draw her a bath. So I got a paper and pencil, drew her a bath tub, and handed it to her","The look she gave me has been imprinted into my brain" +"How do you disappoint a Redditor","\[removed\]" +"Church School Sally was at Sunday school, when she fell asleep. The teacher realizes this and says, “Sally who is the creator of life. ” Her friend, Colin, who sat behind her. Poked her with a needle to wake her up. She wakes with a jump and yells, “GOD ALMIGHTY” The teacher responds, “Very good Sally. ” Soon later, Sally falls back asleep. The teacher, again notices and says to her, “Sally who is our savior. ” Colin again, pokes her with a needle. Sally jumps up and yells, “JESUS CHRIST. ” The teacher responds, “Very good. ” For a third time Sally falls asleep. The teacher, having enough of it, asked, “Sally, what did Eve say to Adam after they had their 17th child. ” Colin again, pokes Sally with a needle to wake her up","She jumps up and yells, “I SWEAR TO GOD, if you shove that thing in me one more time, I’m going to rip it from you, and shove up your throat" +"What does an antisocial frog say","Reddit, Reddit" +"How mad does the Earth get after people throw garbage at it","Heats up and storms off" +"Did you hear about the mimes who went on strike","It was mutiny" +"What rhymes with orange","No it doesn’t" +"I just ate a clock","I wouldn't recommend it though, it was very time consuming" +"I asked my mate if he was still single. No mate, and she's perfect to take fishing when we go Good for you,so what's her name","Annette" +"I was drinking a beer with my dad Then after taking a sip, he said this beer is incredible, you put it in your mouth, and then it dissappears","" +"The store I work in was robbed the other day. One of the gentlemen robbing the store pointed a gun at my head. He said: “Listen buddy, if you make any sudden moves, you’re geography. ” I replied “Don’t you mean history. ” He responded “I’m serious","Don’t try to change the subject" +"Looks like October is","Octover" +"How do you catch a unique rabbit","Unique up on it" +"From my son: what do you get when you mix a fruit and a dog","Melon-collie" +"What do you call Momma bee feeding baby bee","BuzzFeed" +"During my appointment, the dentist began to collapse. So","I thought to myself, Ok, brace yourself ." +"How do you get rid of fleas","Start from scratch" +"Never criticize your wife’s judgements,","Remember who she married?" +"I have a joke about - Pizza, but its pretty cheesy. Pencils, but its pretty blunt. Paper, but its pretty tearable. Eggs, this one cracks me up","Sausages, this ones by far the wurst" +"My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type","As he died, he kept insisting for us to be positive, but it's hard without him" +"What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo","One is heavy and the other is a little lighter" +"How does the potions master keep his wife happy","Elixer" +"Why do people use old candles on a candle warmer","It doesn’t make scents" +"What do you call luxury chewing gum","Guccifruit" +"I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, What's his name. ” Smiling, I replied, “Tiny. My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny. ” I explained, “Because","he’s my newt" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When the punchline is apparent" +"How did Harry Potter get down the hill. By walking","j/k rolling" +"My father used to work as a hospital renovator","He found it very re-ward-ing." +"At work in a restaurant, the food runner dropped a to-go container for an order So I said You butternut squash it","And they still wouldn't send me home" +"Some people say filling balloon animals with helium is wrong","But whatever floats your goat" +"Did u hear about the knight who died during an earthquake","His name was sir chasm" +"Taylor was in a new relationship pretty quick after her last one. I guess you could say that was some","Swift work." +"A young boy says to his father Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you. What happened. The father asks. Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 \* 9. ' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 \* 7. ' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference. ' Indeed, what is the difference. asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go. '' The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, Dad, have you gone by the school. Not yet. Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also. Why. asks the father. Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on. my cock. ' Exactly, says the father. Alright, I'll come. The next day, the boy asks his father Did you go to the school. No, not yet. Don't bother, I got expelled. Surprised, the father asks Why did you get expelled. Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher. The fuck was the art teacher doing there. asks the father","That's what I said" +"Dadjoked the emergency room receptionist So I had to go to the emergency room to get my PICC line replaced because it got damaged (it's this thing that they put chemotherapy and other drugs through so they don't have to find a vein). Receptionist: Oh, what do you need the PICC for, if you don't mind me asking. Me: I get chemotherapy through it. Her: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, what kind of cancer do you have. Me: Well, I'll give you a hint. If I was a Jedi, I'd be","*Leukemia Skywalker*" +"Got my girlfriend while making dinner We were preparing stuff for dinner in the kitchen when my girlfriend goes Hey, I think I'll go get the (bluetooth) speaker and play some music. How does that sound","Well it doesn't sound like anything right now" +"If you're riding an elephant, you should wear a backpack","You can't put your stuff in the trunk." +"Who was the roundest knight at the round table","Sir-cumference" +"I see dead people. I saw dead people. I will see dead people. I have seen dead people. I had seen dead people. I will have seen dead people","The Sixth Tense" +"I was at a séance the other night, and we kept having our window cleaner's name and number come through","As it turns out we'd been using a squeegee board" +"Somebody made the mistake of complementing my dad's beard today. He replied with: thanks, I grew it myself","He got a high five for that" +"Why did Bambi's mom take so long to die","She was holding on for deer life" +"My neighbours kid has been learning Spanish during lockdown","He still can’t say “please” though, which I think is poor for four" +"If. I were a. Judge,. I'd change my surname to","Mental." +"A man is in the delivery room with his wife, who has just gave birth The baby cries, and overcome by his emotions on entering fatherhood, the man cries as well. The midwife asks Are you ok. He slowly turns around, a tear in his eye and says No, I'm Dad","(also posted in r/jokes)" +"I broke my finger today, but on the other hand,","I'm completely fine!" +"Canadian Water So my daughter was filling out a form that was asking if she has left the country recently. Well, technically she has. She took a canoe trip over the border into a wilderness area. I told her that since she didn't go to any populated areas or contact any wildlife that she could just say no. She argued and said Well, i mean i did come into contact with Canadian water and land. I said, Well, that's different. You know Canadian water has a different chemical composition, right. She just looked at me","Yeah, it's H2O A" +"Wife: What are some names of orchids. Me: Free Willy Wife: I said orCHIDS Me: Baby Free Willy","Wife: Shame on you Me: No, but Shamu would work *Posted on mobile, please forgive formatting issues" +"They say that getting married as a women is like being put on a witness protection programme","The bride gets a new name and a dress." +"My kid complained because the t. v in the backseat of my van stopped working and he couldnt watch Dexters Lab. I turned up the music and said Here are some car tunes for you, son","He started to cry and my wife yelled at me" +"Two skunks were struggling to solve a problem","Finally one turns to the other and says, Let’s stink about it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯" +"My 4 year old got me with this one last night Me after fixing his train track: Are you happy Him: *Giggles* No daddy I'm Connor","I feel like I am raising him well" +"I just watched a documentary about beavers","It was the best dam show I ever saw" +"How do fish get high","Seaweed" +"I admit I was wrong about how good my chiropractor is","I stand corrected" +"I follow the. Mediterranean. Diet, consisting of. Turkey and","Grease." +"I'm looking for pornographic dolphin content","It's for scientific porpoises" +"Got dad joked at my job Working as a Starbucks barista. I was on the register, and young woman with her father come up to ask for their drinks. I start labeling their cups, and then this little exchange happened: Me: What was your name. Daughter: Kristen Dad (to me): It's still her name. Daughter:","I couldn't help but laugh at how dad that moment was" +"What do you call it when you insulted a person in coma","A roasted vegetable" +"How many birds does it take to change a lightbulb","Ideally three, but Toucan" +"If you're ever in South Korea, stay away from the dog soup restaurants. I hear it's full of E","collie" +"Today,. I'd like to give thanks to the minus sign","Thanks for making a difference" +"Hawaiin court over turns travel ban, says Muslims are welcome","Aloha Akhbar" +"Typical Dad Dad: Have you ever heard of the band 1020 MB. Me: Nope","Dad: That's because they haven't got a gig yet" +"What profession will make you twice the man you currently are","A Maleman" +"Is there a dad alive who hasn't made this go off on himself and announced the results to the family. http://imgur","com/DkuGsKU" +"Getting ready to cross a river. Me: Hurry, honey, get a pencil and some paper. Her: *scrambles around* What. Why. Me: I saw a sign that said 'Draw Bridge'","Her:" +"Who looks after a Jedi's robes","Mannequin Skywalker" +"I think you're. X-post /r/me_irl I hope this hasn't been posted yet here. If it has, sorry, it's hard to search. http://i. imgur. com/oucmv3f. jpg [ Original post](https://www. reddit","com/r/me_irl/comments/463t35/me_irl/)" +"Can you make me a sandwich","Poof you’re a sandwich" +"My son once asked me: Dad, why is my nose in the middle of my face","I replied: Well son, it's because it's the scenter" +"My wife is amazing in bed","She can fall asleep within minutes no matter how loud the TV is on" +"Just woke up in a cold sweat after dreaming I was floating in an Ocean of Orange Soda","Then I realized it was just a Fanta Sea" +"It's not my fault. My family and I were driving to the mountains when my dad says It's not my fault. Is it your fault. Who's fault was it. The rest of us look at each other very confused","Then he says, It's San Andreas Fault right as we drive by it" +"We all know Albert Einstein was a genius","but his brother Frank was a monster" +"What’s the best thing about Switzerland"," I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus" +"What do you call Scandinavian first aid classes","How to Save a Leif" +"The female bartender felt bad for her Girl I went out with tonight and I were getting drinks at the bar, when said said that she was gonna skip her 9am lecture tomorrow. I asked why she said Its on fungi it gonna be so boring . I said You love fungi though, you hang out with me. The bartender gave her the pity look","" +"I love. Canadian food","It resulted in me poutine on a lot of weight." +"Who is Mr Fishey's best friend","Fish F" +"Two peanuts rolling down the hill","One of them was assaulted." +"What beverage makes cannabis more intelligent","Budweiser" +"How does NASA organize a party","They planet" +"Telling Dad Jokes on an elevator","Is wrong on So Many levels" +"What do you call an acid with an attitude","Amino acid" +"Why do we tell actors to “break a leg","” Because every play has a cast" +"My 8-year niece is fit to be the queen of dad jokes Got majorly dad joked by my niece on a road trip. Nephew and my son had to pee while we were on the highway. I turn to them, in the seat behind me, and attempt to comfort them: 'Bathroom is coming very soon. ' Niece retorts incredulously: 'The bathroom is driving to us. ' Next she was imitating her brother, and I remarked that she sounded like a dying goat. Her response. 'Well, my brother is a kid","' I couldn't help but chuckle quietly under my breath, can't let her know that her dad jokes work on me" +"I think everyone should be a little more understanding this Friday","After all, all conversations will end on a 10-4" +"A hotdog walked into a bar","Bartender says hey we don't serve food here" +"I played poker with a contortionist the other day","Needless to say he kept folding" +"A friend of mine keeps using the term gender fluid and it's annoying me","We already have too many nicknames for semen, we don't need another." +"What did Ernie say when Bert wanted to have some of his frozen yogurt","Sherbert" +"A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the whole zoo is a dog","It's a shitzu" +"Did you hear. The president is opening up a day spa once he leaves office","He said: I'm Barack Obama, and I approve this massage" +"flatmate got me. flatmate has returned from overseas, they were coughing in the kitchen while doing dishes. I said oh no you have ebola","flatmate no I have E-Plate-a" +"Which animal has the biggest breasts","Z-bra" +"What did Tennessee","The same thing Arkansas" +"How do you make a cat go woof","Pour gasoline on it and light a match" +"Made my 11 yr old laugh and my wife roll her eyes this kornint. It was a good day. My 2 yr old is constantly dropping small toys down the grate on the air return and a couple rolled out if site. This morning, I stuck my head down it and found a couple the had been missing for a couple weeks. Yay, dad. My wife told me She likes to drop her toys down there when she's angry. I told her you can't be upset. She's just venting. Groans and laughs ensued. Edit: this morning","What the hell is a kornint" +"My mechanic said my wheels are old","They need to retire" +"Step-dad joked. Embrace change. Was at my girlfriends graduation when the valedictorian said something about embracing change. Girlfriends Step-dad reached in his pocket, pulled out a nickel and handed it to my girlfriends brother and said here ya go","Embrace it" +"My U. History Teacher got the entire class to collectively groan today. We're drawing a map with the civil war and a student said How do you draw a paradox","My teacher said It's pretty easy, you just draw two doctors" +"I accidentally got rice in my headphone jack. Now all my music sounds","Grainy" +"My friend David had his ID stolen","Now he's just Dav" +"What do you say to a constipated liar","You're full of shit" +"What’s a ruck sack’s favourite bread. A","BAGette" +"How do hipsters talk about shoes","They converse" +"I overdosed on. Viagra once","Hardest day of my life." +"I didn't want to add dijon to my sandwhich thinking it would be too spicy. But","I mustard up the courage and did it anyway." +"I asked my North Korean friend how it was going over there","He says he can't complain" +"Girlfriend got me, maybe. Friday night I came home and found out my dog destroyed my mattress. Saturday after work we went out and I bought a new one. Sunday it was delivered. Made the bed, laid on it. She asked me how I liked it and I said I wasn't sure. Oh, I guess you have to sleep on it","I groaned" +"What do you call a dumb bar of soap","Antifacterial Ok" +"Proof Big Papi was on the juice. http://i. imgur. com/M357w6o","jpg" +"My cities version of a dad joke. this is Argyle st. ](http://i. imgur. com/tF6Dh7B","jpg)" +"In a one story house the walls are blue, the chairs are blue, the floor is blue, the lights are blue, the living room is blue, the bedrooms are blue, the kitchen is blue, even the air has a blueish tint. What color are the stairs","The house is ONE STORY it has no stairs" +"Hitler: “It’s getting cold. What is ze Wetter forecast","” “Hail, Hitler" +"When my dad sleeps","Even if he is snoring he will wake up and say I was just resting my eyes" +"For years, I've been trying to figure out what the philtrum is","Turns out the answer has been right under my nose the whole time" +"RIP boiled water","You will be mist" +"2015:. Didn't jog 2016:. Didn't jog 2017:. Didn't jog 2018:. Didn't jog 2019:. Didn't jog 2020:. Still haven't jogged","This is a running joke..." +"Just got the girlfriend with this one. She was talking about her new job at a restaurant and mentioned how she didn't think this girl she was in training with was going to make it through. She said you can see all of her drug use marks. I followed up with that's a-track-tive","Groans and eye rolls followed" +"How do Australian chess pieces pay for large purchases","They use a check, mate" +"My friend told me my dad jokes were getting old","I told him, That makes them grandpa jokes" +"People always ask me why I named my son Underwear","I tell them he's the Fruit of the Womb" +"To someone named. Hannah. Do you call your birthdays","Hannaversaries?" +"I was bored so. I recently decided to try picking up the piano again","Boy was it heavy" +"How do you buy a coffee","With star-bucks" +"I used to work at the calendar factory","I got the sack because i took a couple days off" +"What do you call a well-informed wolf","Aware wolf" +"I got mugged last night by six of the Seven Dwarfs","Not Happy" +"Which school supply is king of the classroom","A ruler" +"Saw a Pepsi van pulled over I was driving with my girlfriend and saw a Pepsi delivery van get pulled over by two cops. My girlfriend wondered aloud why two cops were needed for a Pepsi van","My response: He's probably smuggling some Coke" +"I told my whale friend not to eat that family of dolphins in shallow water but he did and beached himself","That's why you don't eat Tide Pods" +"I was volunteering at a charity breakfast when. I was volunteering this morning at a charity breakfast. We had [this](http://imgur. com/LxXuEAD) out for the kids. Some kid's dad comes up and says I didn't know you guys were serving Froyo","Sigh" +"Ska music helped prepare me for fatherhood. All","I say all day is pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up" +"My wife and I were robbed leaving Bed Bath and Beyond. He came at us with a knife. ***We were scared sheetless","***" +"Ex-wife died eating home-made jam","I'd say she got what she preserved" +"Why did Billy eat a lightbulb","He wanted a light snack" +"I worked two shifts at the coffee shop yesterday and another two shifts today","I guess you could call it a double double" +"I was in a long-term relationship with a rollercoaster operator","It had it's ups and downs" +"Have you taken a bath lately. Why","Is one missing" +"Why are cancer doctors so busy","Because they're always on-callogists" +"I have a low paying job","Well, in my line of work, it only makes cents" +"My dad said he was going to take my sister to the bus station Dad: So I'll just run her over later this morning. Mom: Run her over","Don't do that" +"The shovel is a great invention","I'd say it was truly ground-breaking" +"“Did you take a shower, Dad","” “Why, is there one missing" +"Do you know why I don't like Paper. Because it's tearable. &#x200B; I know this is not original (plenty of renditions out there), but my 8 year old made it up herself","So not only is it original to her, she made my day" +"What did the Bowling Pin say when it was accused","“I’ve been framed" +"If your girlfriend doesn't appreciate your Star Wars puns. Then you're looking for love in Alderaan places","Edit: I dropped this: n" +"What do you call a lonely chip going out to socialize","A single pringle ready to mingle" +"Why is it called alimony","Because they'll take all yo mony" +"My Dad's Deon. Today, my dad told me about his friend Deon, and the many nicknames he had when he was job-switching. Dad: He works on boats now, so we call him Freeon Deon (I didn't actually get this one. ) But before that, when he worked in the lights section of Home Depot, he was Neon Deon. And when he was a plumber, we called him Peon Deon. But after a while, he told me, with such a sombre and serious face, that that entire time, Deon's wife worked at one hard, thankless job to keep his spirits up. Me: What was that Dad. Dad: Her job","was to Be On Deon" +"Why can't humans hear a dog whistle","Because dogs can't whistle" +"I just gave my Dad his 50th birthday card","He told me that one would have been enough" +"My uncle dropped his USB key without noticing. After I told my uncle he had dropped the USB, he thanked me, picked it up, looked me dead in the eyes, and said, Sometimes, it feels like I'm losing my memory","" +"My soon-to-be-dad joke. My pregnant wife was complaining to her mom about being 10 days past her due date and I quipped The longer the bun is in the oven the more of an excuse you have if it comes out black. She was not amused, but I sure was","Update: the baby did not come out black" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When it’s apparent" +"Why are there no vegan DC heroes","Because they're afraid of rotten tomatoes" +"Three moles lived outside of a pancake house One morning at approximately 7:30, the first mole awoke, usually the early riser of the three, he got ready, and in the midst of putting on his morning robe, could not resist the sudden urge to follow his twitching nose to the surface to smell the sticky sweet scent emulating from the restaurant not even 35 feet away. He poked his head halfway out his cozy mole-hole and was overwhelmed with joy. I can smell pancakes, syrup, hot coffee, and all sorts of incredible edibles in there During all of his commotion the second mole awoke, and sprung out of bed to see what all the excitement was about. Scrambling up the long winding tunnel to the big blue sky, he barely squeezed his way beside mole number one, desperate to see what was happening. Dazed and confused the third mole awoke, and stumbled to the entryway, following a confusing array of excited squeals, and shouts of pure joy. As he came closer, as he neared the bundle of fur these sounds were emulating from, he could clearly make out the sounds produced by the first two moles, he came closer, as close as possible until his little ears were pressed against the mole's feet near the stuffed entryway and listened. I can smell strawberry strudel No you can't, it's blueberry. Either way it's delicious","After listening to this sort of babble for a few minutes, he was getting very anxious to see for himself, but after many unsuccessful attempts to push his way pass the others, he collapsed in exhaustion and said All I smell is Molasses" +"apple is rumored to release the iPhone X-SE this year to revitalize sales","Stock holders are TENSE" +"What is Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination","Hand Eeeeeeeyeeeeeeeeeee" +"TIL that the paramount leader of China is President Xi","Does anybody know what happen to Presidents I-X" +"What do you call crystal clear urine","1080pee" +"I just broke two of my dad's old. Queen records. Now","I want to break three." +"Why should you never get in a relationship with a tennis player","Love means nothing to them" +"New car = great dad joke. I bought a 2004 VW Beetle Turbo a few months ago. While driving down the road, I heard a sort of mechanical shifting sound whenever I went over 45 MPH. I didn't think anything of it at first, but it continued every single time. I finally turned to Google to make sure my car wasn't broken. Found out that the Turbo models have a hidden spoiler at the top of the rear windshield that pops out at high speeds. Relaying the story to my friend later, I told her, I guess the dealership should have given me a","spoiler alert" +"Hedgehogs","Why can't they just get along and share the hedge." +"There should be a bread for people who go to the gym","It'll have 100% Swole Wheat" +"I like a girl who works in a farmyard","I guess I’m A-Tractor-Ed to her" +"What do you call a nun on the run","Virgin Mobile" +"Someone went into my shed and stole my limbo stick","How low can you go?" +"Tried ground turkey for the first time today","Fowlest thing ever" +"My neighbor's baby goats. are always running around breaking stuff and causing havoc","Some people's kids" +"What kind of underwear does a female snake wear","A coBRA" +"Some people have trouble sleeping","but I can do it with my eyes closed" +"My dad emailed me this earlier today. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know","Classic dad" +"Why’s it always hot after a football game","All the fans left" +"My girlfriend was not amused. Me: Tears magazine in half. Her: How did you do that. Me: 'Shear' force","I stared at her until she gave me a look of disgust and walked away" +"Met a fellow dad in the NICU tonight Me: Who is our nurse tonight. Wifey: I think it's Mida. New dad: You know what they say, trust the Mida's touch","Both wifeys:*groans* I think he will do just fine" +"What do you call a blender that made a mistake","Blunder" +"Why cant ants get Coronavirus","Because they have anty-bodies" +"My friend was crying because he didn't know what to grow in his garden","I told him to grow a pear" +"What do you do if you're attacked by a gang of clowns","Go for the juggler" +"I don't often tell. Dad jokes. But when. I do,","He laughs" +"Why are people in Northern Asia so stressed out","They're always Russian" +"Last night I got drunk and agreed to star in a bukkake scene, blindfolded","I don't know what came over me" +"Got my girlfriend at a Native American culture festival. My girlfriend and I were discussing beards at our college's Native American culture festival. I said, It's too bad I grow Apache beard","One of the guards facepalmed" +"If you had one shot. You are a responsible drinker","#knowyourlimit" +"How come there are no automatic cars in Spain. They’re all Manuel","(Cred to my actual dad)" +"Went to Red Robins today, got double dadjoked. Was advertised bottomless fries with my burger order; fries literally came in a bottomless cup container","Now that's what you call a loop hole" +"What do you call a cow who is experiencing something from the past","Deja moo" +"Got a friend while we were hanging out earlier. Friend: Ugh, so annoying","My ear's ringing Me: Well you better pick up" +"Did you hear about the antenna wedding","The ceremony was ok, but the reception was amazing" +"My wife always complains about the gifts I buy for her. This time I got her a Tourette’s alarm clock","She is in for a rude awakening" +"I was at the bowling alley when all the staff walked out","They all went on strike and the manager went spare." +"What do you call a city full of overweight people","Obese City" +"My boss just got me with this one. Corporate announcement: . after the reception there will be cake and champagne toast","Boss: I've hear of Soda Bread, but how did they make Champagne Toast" +"My wife didn't appreciate this Our 16 month son has begun licking us. I told my wife he was going to get in trouble. She said why. I said because he doesn't have a licker license","Eyes were rolled" +"Traveling back home to my parents Dad: Are you on the train","Me: Yeah Dad: Be careful that you don't fall off" +"I went to pick up my calculator off a table last Monday, only to drop it on the floor","I looked at the guy next to me and said, Miscalculated" +"I spoke to a. German about walls","Apparently his country was divided on the subject." +"As far as I know Was watching a show with my sister that I had already seen. One lady was believed to be dead and when she was found alive, my sister asked, how long has she been alive","I shot back with as far as I know, her whole life" +"As a hobby my dad stabs clocks with his knife","Says it’s a fun way to kill time" +"What do you call a short fortune teller that just broke out of prison","A small medium at large" +"Sprint should rename their company","To slow jog" +"I thought I saw Marty McFly at the garden center yesterday","I'm not sure, but he had his back to the fuchsias" +"What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist","You get repossessed" +"My 2-year-old got me good A bunch of in-laws were showing up today and I was working on last minute cleaning when various annoyances happened. Wife: How are you doing. I'm grumpy","Son: Hi grumpy" +"Did you know that scientist found out the shape of the air surrounding the Earth","Yeah, it's at-most-sphere" +"Was The Little Mermaid directed by a pilot","Because it's mostly Ariel footage" +"What do you call a noodle standing on a corner","A Pastatute" +"I'm thinking of getting into elk taxidermy","I hear it's how you make the big bucks" +"Why did Waldo wear stripes","Because he doesn't want to be spotted" +"Doctor. Doctor. I keep thinking I'm a bridge. What's come over you, man","So far two cars, a truck, and a bus" +"An author was mad at the store manager because not a single copy of his autobiography was making it past the cash register","I guess his story didn't check out" +"I once knew a guy. who worked in a hotdog costume","He was literally the wurst" +"Really proud of my first one as a dad When talking about breastfeeding our newborn and how he has been sooooo gassy: Grandma (my mom): the sucking helps to relax the colon so that will help","Me (new dad): I'll be damned if you think I'm going to suck on his colon Cue groans and a slap upside my head" +"I got you a gift for Christmas. http://imgur. com/L1Oy5Kb","gif" +"I don't tell dad jokes very often but when","I do, he laughs." +"How do you know that your local morgue might not be so great","Well if they have a summer promotion that's a dead giveaway" +"How long does it take to get through a labyrinth","A minotaur two" +"Boss dropped this on me a few weeks ago. Boss takes a couple week vacation, comes back the following Monday with a full-on goatee. Welcome back Mark, Oh. nice goatee. Keeping it","Yeah, it's growing on me" +"What did Abel become after Cain killed him","He became unabel" +"I'm sorry the hotdogs were bad. But","I have bratwurst" +"Whenever. I get really hungry. Whenever. I get really hungry,. I like to eat at taxidermy shops, cause","I always leave feeling stuffed." +"What do you call an empty container of cheese wiz","Cheese was" +"Dad Joke at Spartan Race My brother and I were at a Spartan race this morning. After the race, we went to the festival area to check out the booths. One of them was a boot camp advertising with a 60 second challenge to win bragging rights. We weren't interested so we kept walking, but they hollered at us. Girl 1: C'mon, it's only 60 seconds. Girl 2: What's 60 seconds anyway. Me: It's one minute","They left us alone after that" +"Knock knock Who's there. Control freak","Now you say, Control freak who" +"My friend asked me if I wanted to go on a trip to France with him","I said sure, what have I got Toulouse" +"What's the hardest part about throwing a party in outer space","You have to planet" +"Got my sister while she was bowling I sent my sister a text asking if she saw that our cousin was now engaged. She said she hadn't been on Facebook because she was out bowling. Oh, so you didn't have the *spare* time. She sent back ugh","in response" +"My son and I went to a new Vietnamese restaurant that offers herbed potato sticks served with a bowl of noodle soup","When they brought our order, I said… Look, thyme fries when you’re having pho" +"Do you know who the first person to download information from the cloud onto their tablet was","Moses" +"What could be worse than biting an apple, and noticing that there's a worm in it","Biting an apple, and noticing that there's half a worm in it" +"Why did the man fall down the well","Because he couldn't see that well" +"After three weeks of my no-carb diet, I had to see my doctor for digestion pains","he told me I was lack toast intolerant" +"Me: 75 Watts. 60 Watts. 100 Watts Daughter: what are you doing, dad","Me: oh, just a bit of light reading" +"What can't dinosaurs clap","cause they're dead" +"Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I will find you","You have my word" +"My grandad was assaulted in the war with pepper spray and mustard gas","He's a seasoned veteran" +"I secured funding to build the new city airport","Things are taking off around here" +"I have joke about left-handers","The only issue is I’m having trouble finding the right audience" +"The Nordic countries are pooling their resources to improve renewable energy production","Many Hans make light work" +"What do you call a dog sandwich","A canini" +"I tried to link a bunch of watches together into a belt","It was a waist of time" +"Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law","He was given two consecutive sentences" +"My friend. David just lost his. ID. So now. I just call him","Dav." +"My mom's making dirty rice. So my mom says were having dirty rice with dinner and my dad replies, Gross why is it dirty","You should clean it" +"How does Cinderella cut her nails","With glass clippers" +"I am friends with 25 letters of the alphabet","I don't know why" +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon","Great food, no atmosphere" +"I told the cashier at the convenience store that she should keep the change","It was just my two cents" +"Dad Joke on the car trip We were driving on the highway when a rather large bug splattered all over our windshield Me: Great, now we have bug guts all over our windshield Dad:Well, i doubt he will have the guts to do that again Me:…","Dad: Was that good enough for r/dadjokes Me:yeah dad, you did good, horribly, atrociously good" +"With the holidays near, to set a festive atmosphere at your table, be sure you have a shiny chrome plate to hold your condiment sauce. Why","Because there is no plate like chrome for the hollandaise" +"I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get “saved” or you'll “burn”","Stupid firemen." +"A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night","Oof" +"My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat","That's the third time I've had to rename the cat" +"A friends dad got me with the atom bomb","Me- it looks like an atom bomb Dad- well where's the eve bomb then" +"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back","A boomer-WRONG" +"My Dad's reply today This year I'm flatting with two friends in a small house, and we have recently gotten a kitten. So I told him: Me: We have a flat cat now. Dad: Oh really","Who ran it over" +"What did the bee say when he returned to the hive","Hi Honey, I'm home" +"I used to like banking","But then I lost interest" +"If a picture had toes. What would they be called","Photoes" +"Why don't cannibals eat clowns","Because they taste funny" +"The villagers wanted to build a water reservoir to fight the dry season","Sadly the government didn't give a dam" +"WE GET IT. SEPTEMBER'S OVER. GREEN DAY","YADA YADA Every year" +"My wife and son are playing battleship. On her third turn she says I1","I hate how she cheats" +"I used to work in a bank once. THEN. I. LOST","INTEREST" +"Why should you keep a pin and a bowling ball in the trunk of your car","To make sure you always have a spare" +"How much rum does it take to make a pirate drunk","A Galleon" +"Visiting my parents Me: thanks for having me this weekend. Dad: well, technically your mother had you, and it was earlier than last weekend","Grrroan" +"I don't usually go on r/dadjokes, but I felt like this belonged here","this" +"I got fired for giving a back rub to a psychic","They don't tolerate massage-a-mystic behavior" +"Why did the kid cross the playground","To get to the other slide" +"You know they made a book about this website","It’s supposed to be good, but I haven’t reddit" +"Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids","He had a halloweener" +"If Canada's leader elect had dwarfism","Would we call them the Prime Miniture" +"I’m sitting in a bar where my ex girlfriend works","I’m hoping she gives me another shot" +"How much does Chinese food weigh","About wonton" +"What's the best thing about Switzerland","I don't know, but the flag is a big plus" +"Steve Irwin's line of sunscreen has been discontinued","Turns out it failed to protect you from harmful rays" +"My friend just won the world championship of competitive origami","He's great at folding under pressure" +"Ding dong. Who’s there. America. Why didn’t you knock","Because freedom rings" +"A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral. A man leans in and asks, Mind if I say a word. No, go right ahead, the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says, Plethora , and sits back down","Thanks, the woman says, that means a lot" +"My dad loves to use this one. Person: wow is that right. My","Dad: no but it's true" +"What do you call a dehydrated Frenchman","Pierre" +"When kingdoms fought in the middle ages","They were playing for keeps." +"The only decisions bar tenders make","are pour decisions" +"Where is home","Home is where the WiFi connects automatically" +"My wife asked me to go pick up some second-hand baby clothes she bought on-line, tomorrow night. It's in the Heisenberg-street. , she said, Do you know where that is. No, I said, but I know how fast you can go there","She didn't get it" +"How much money is inside the ATM","80M" +"My uncle went to the doctors today when he returned my aunt asked: what did the Doctor say","uncle: Hello" +"What's an orcs favourite dinner","Fetucinni al frodo" +"What does a group of whales listen to during a long car ride","Podcasts" +"Sausage puns","are the wurst" +"Why did Sean Connery take his iPhone to IKEA","He wanted to take a shelfie" +"My wife sighed, Why does everything have to be a game with you. An excellent question sweetheart. I said","But next time, please use the buzzer" +"Why do rogues like to wear leather armor","Because it's made out of hide" +"Because its national pirate day today. So a pirate is walking down the street with a ships wheel in his pants, somebody comes up to him and asks Why do you have a ships wheel in your pants, doesn't that bother you","And the pirate responds Arrgggh its driving me nuts" +"The other day I went to get coffee with my boyfriend. Waiting in line, I asked him what he was getting and he said Soy Latte I was proud to immediately come up with Hola Latte, soy Dad","Turns out he doesn't know the least bit Spanish and this was lost on him" +"I always have a hand held mirror with me","That way I can reflect on my mistakes" +"How do so many people get simple sayings wrong","Answers on a coastguard please" +"I was running late for work today, so my Dad packed my lunch. http://i. imgur. com/JIMaWrk","jpg" +"Dad joked my fiancee about one of our favorite sandwich places Backstory: We live near a place that makes amazing pulled pork sandwiches. In addition, to having an amazing sandwiches they have a really cool cashier named Diego who we built up a friendly relationship with. Unfortunately, we haven't gone to this sandwich place a while and during this lull Diego left his job. Me: We really need to get a pulled pork sandwich one of these days. Fiancee: I don't know. I just wouldn't be the same without Diego there. Me: So what you're saying is you wouldn't go. Sans Diego","We don't live in San Diego or anything but we do live in Southern California and I thought it was hilarious" +"Took a dance class today. My fiance and I took our first dance class today","Instructor: Ok, we're going to start with the basics of the salsa Me: Alright, I'll grab the tomatoes" +"Knock knock-who's there. Dad: Owls Kid: owls who","Dad: They sure do" +"Why did the cheese go to the bank","He needed to get a Provo loan" +"What's that coffee drink called with the icecream","Affogato" +"Dad joked my Dad. http://imgur. com/KSOIBk5 Dad texted, Can you call me","no emergency I replied, Hi no emergency Called him and was greeted with, Shithead" +"Nice can The wife asked me to put the lid back on her can of paint, but I didn't see it right away. Me: Where is it. Wife: It's upside down on the other can","Me: So it was can-ouflaged" +"I hate connect-the-dot puzzles","That’s where I draw the line" +"My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage. I gave the driver one star","He drove my parents to divorce" +"I haven’t slept for three days","That would be too long" +"Every time I go to dinner with my parents, they constantly argue about the mashed potatoes, rice or french fries","And I always tell them that I'm not choosing sides" +"Why did Boris Johnson go to IKEA","To get a new Cabinet" +"Cashier got me today Asked him to hold the peppers on my sandwich. He asked for how long","Chuckles were shared" +"My pet iguana is paralyzed. It doesn't get up anymore","It has ereptile dysfunction" +"I was in the supermarket when. I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area,. Think. I'm going to delete the. Kraft","Cheese app." +"My dad told me to never trust crabs","They’re shellfish" +"I was watching How It's Made with my Dad when. they were making rubber on the show. He said I really wonder how rubber trees have survived evolution. It's gotta be really hard to procreate","Commence face-palming" +"I held the the door open for a clown today","I thought it was a nice jester." +"Here’s a little bit of advice","advi" +"Why did the Mexican take Xanax","For Hispanic attacks" +"You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving","But you do need one to go skydiving twice" +"The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror. A bear asked the animals running past him, What's happening now. The big bad wolf. a goat shouted. Is meditating. So. Isn't that a good thing. questioned the bear. Noooo. the goat bleated","It's become aware wolf" +"3 year old got me with this one Her: I've got a joke for you. Close your eyes. Me: (Eyes closed) OK","Her: Dark, isn't it" +"Got my girlfriend today She was talking to her friend about how her car a/c stopped working. She told her friend how she was going to wait for her dad to look at it because he is a huge car fan. I laughed hard and interrupted her conversation saying well if he is a huge car fan, just ask him to be the a/c","She wasn't very amused" +"I'm not sure why rocks cost so much in England I mean, one stone is 10 pounds for crying out loud","And another four after tax" +"I want to move to Australia and become a small business lender","I'll be known as the Funder from Down Under" +"Granddad jokes Granddad: do you know what the white stuff is in bird shit. Me: no Granddad: it's bird shit","And no matter how much mayonnaise you mix with it you ain't never gonna have chicken salad" +"My gym buddy told me he’s going dairy-free","When I asked if he could still have his favorite protein supplement on his diet, he said, “Unfortunately, there’s no whey" +"Everybody deserves a. Nobel. Prize. As long as you don't own any bells, you deserve the","Nobel prize" +"I was listening to the ball game on the radio with my dad Radio - Coming to you from the Dunkin' Donuts Center. Dad - Dunkin' Donuts center","That doesn't make any sense, it has to be the Dunkin' Donuts hole" +"Oh, I can’t find my mouth","It was right under my nose this entire time" +"Got my girlfriend while on the phone I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone yesterday as she was telling me of a fight she had with her friend. Girlfriend: she was telling me that she hated tuna, so I jokingly told her to shut her whore mouth, and she actually got offended. Me: well of course she did. What you said was absolutely whore-ible","And that's how we found out she was pregnant" +"My mom asked me how to backup her phone Me: Just put it in reverse She groaned and rolled her eyes and my dad said I think he's been hanging around me too much","I should really check to see if my girlfriend is pregnant" +"I thought of a joke about sticky notes, so what's the first thing I do","Post-it" +"What do you call a nun in a wheelchair","Virgin Mobile" +"Why is a mathbook always happy","Because someone solves all its problems" +"I hate. Russian dolls","They're so full of themselves" +"How do Mexicans cut their pizza","Little caesars" +"What do Elon Musk and a snail have in common","They both make S car go" +"My favorite Dadjoke to use with people Texting my friend this morning. Her: Good morning, how did you sleep. Me: With my eyes closed and mostly on my right side and then some on my stomach","Her: 😒😒😒 Gets me every time" +"How many sides does a circle have. Two","The inside and the outside" +"Bricks are the happiest construction materials","They're always getting laid" +"Back in the day I was addicted to the hokey pokey","I've since then turned myself around" +"What kind of dog goes well with cream cheese","A Beagle" +"Dad joked on the lake We were boating the other day and my family was talking about the zebra mussel infestation that many lakes are experiencing","My dad turns and says, I thought the cheetah mussels were taking care of that" +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon. Great food","No atmosphere" +"I got my wife today. After 3 weeks of waiting, my","Russian mail order bride finally arrived!" +"What did the tie say to the hat","You go on a head, I’ll just hang around" +"What's on the inside of a fire hydrant. H2O. What's on the outside of the hydrant","K9P" +"Dadjoked my girlfriend so good I couldn't stop giggling afterwards. I asked if she wanted me to pour her a glass of water ('cause I'm a gentleman yo) and she said 'yes please'. I said 'say stop'. *start pouring* 'Thank you' *keep pouring* 'That's enough. ' *keep pouring* 'STOP","' *stop pouring and smile like an idiot*" +"Welcome to assumption club","I think we all have a rough idea of why we’re here" +"A male student at my school pooped in one of the urinals. Vice Principal sent an email asking all teachers make the male students sign out and back in with time stamps to use the bathroom. I replied all saying, that's a pretty shitty situation, huh","thought I was fired, but the VP came to my room during my prep hour to give me a high five" +"Math substitute got the whole class today Sub: Where do math teachers go on vacation. Class: where","Sub: Times square *groan*" +"Happy Father’s Day","Hug a Motherfucker" +"Everyone has one thing keeping them driving","Mine is my license" +"Why was Doc Brown so afraid of running into himself when he traveled through time","He didn't want to cause a temporal pair-o-docs" +"What do you call a man willing to kill for Indian food","A naan-combatant" +"What did the big chimney say to the little chimney","You're too young to smoke" +"People who hate nudists","Are being clothes minded" +"What is green and sings","Elvis Parsley" +"What did the caveman say when the cat scratched him","Me ow" +"Classic Dad-Joke Me: I could not fall asleep last night","Dad: Did you try closing your eyes" +"My coworker was talking about whose babies she'd have. Her: I'd have his babies. He's attractive. Me: What about Rick. Her: No. He doesn't have good genes. Me:","What about his khakis" +"Is Esmeralda the most beautiful Disney character ever drawn","I can't say for sure, but I've got a hunch" +"How was the Roman Empire cut in half","With a pair of Caesars" +"He set me up. Dad: Would you say you've lived your life to the fullest. Me: Yeah I'd say so, so far at least. How about yourself","Dad: Of corse I have, how do you think I got so fat" +"What you call a potato and an ear of corn driving a police car","Starchy and Husk Edit: I thought this one up in the shower this morning and originally posted it on r/jokes but I realized this is the optimal place to put it" +"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance","We’ll see about that" +"What is the tallest building in the world","The library, it's got the most stories" +"I told my boss that I was tired of being a human cannonball","Then he fired me" +"Dad Burn Me: I am nervous for surgery tomorrow Sister: Why are you having surgery. Me jokingly: they have to remove my heart","Dad:They can't remove what you dont have" +"Past, Present and Future walk into a bar","It was tense" +"Dad Jokes are the best. Now I will say why","Why" +"My mom and dad were dwarves","All their life they struggled to put food on the table" +"http://www. conjunctivitis","com/ that's a site for sore eyes" +"Went to the hospital once I told the doctor I'm having trouble with my hearing The doctor asked me can you describe the symptoms","I replied Marge has blue hair and Homer is the fat guy" +"My wife dresses to kill","She cooks the same way" +"Why do people keep asking me what I'm going to be doing in 5 years","It's not like I have 2020 vision" +"Worth it http://imgur","com/EpyBrVc" +"What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep","A bah-humbug" +"Girlfriend saw a sign on the side of the road It read: *lot for sale* Her, jokingly: We should buy a lot. Me: We could just buy a little","Her: *groans*" +"My girlfriend usually hates these jokes, but she pulled one on me Me: Bumblebees are just obese bees Her: Obese","Oh bees" +"Dad joked for breakfast I'm bringing some tea to my friend and this happens. Friend : Which one is my Tea. Me : I'm not sure neither of them look too strong","" +"What are you laughing at. If I'm ever teaching a class and a large portion of student laugh unanimously while I'm talking I like to ask ask What are you laughing at, your grade(s)","" +"I had this great fish joke","but I can't quite plaice it" +"Thinking about opening a liquor/book store","I'll call it Tequila Mockingbird" +"I went to see a psychologist after I discovered cracks in the hearth of my fireplace","I told him I was having a mantle breakdown" +"Wife is driving, we're pulling through a fastfood drive through. She asks me 'Do you have your wallet handy. ' Its in my back pocket so I reply 'Nope. It's currently ass-y","' (I then retrieve my wallet amidst being smacked around my head and shoulders)" +"At the ice cream shop: They even have fresh strawberry sundaes Do they have old strawberry","Mondays?" +"How do you make milk shake","By scaring it" +"How did the mechanical frog greet his friends","Rivet" +"What's the cheapest cut of meat. Deer balls","They're under a buck" +"What do you call a Himalayan cow that can't sleep","&#x200B; An insomni-yak" +"I was almost in a documentary about knives…. Sadly","I didn’t make the cut." +"Daughter: “How do I look, daddy","” Dad: “With your eyes, sweetheart" +"Say, Ernie. Would you like some ice cream","Yes, sherbert" +"Vegans say people who sell meat are disgusting","I think people who sell veggies are grocer" +"Jokes about white sugar are rare","Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara" +"What do you call the census employee in charge of calculating prostitution frequency and percentage in a city","Horacio My boyfriend came up with this one" +"I was watching TV in my living room the other day when I heard a knock at the door. I opened the door and there stood a kitchen sink. He said You have everything but me","I let that sink in for a while" +"My friend invented a supporter for his pants made out of spices","He did admit that it was a waist of thyme" +"What's the worst thing about history class","The teacher tends to Babylon" +"Hey dad, can you make me a peanut butter sandwich","Poof, you're a peanut butter sandwich" +"Bad knock-knock joke #7 Knock, knock. Who's there. 2. 2 who","It's *to whom*" +"My coworker got a good one in last night The the kitchen I work in, two of the cooks normally have the local Latino top 40 station on the radio. Last night, a bachata song was playing on the radio, when one of my coworkers asked one of the cooks, Omar, about it. I noticed he had a huge grin on his face. I knew something was up. Coworker: Hey Omar, what is this stuff on the radio. Omar: It's bachata, te gustas. [do you like it. ] Coworker: Oh yeah guey, I love horchata","Omar then gives my coworker the much needed groan, while I laugh my ass off" +"What religion do cats follow","CATholicism" +"My cousin works at a cemetery","He tells me all the time that people are just dying to get in" +"Wife: I’m pregnant. Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m dad","Wife: No you’re not" +"Why'd the cowboy adopt a daschund","To get a long little doggie" +"What do you call a man with no shins","Tony" +"What do you call the circumcision of a rabbit","A hare cut" +"I was gonna give archery a shot","But there’s too many drawbacks" +"Yards sticks Did you hear they quit making yard sticks","Yeah their not making them any longer" +"I think my puppy might be a train","all she does is chew, chew, chew" +"The other day I posted nothing at all [nothing at all](https://redd","it/6l66z4)" +"What's. Forrest","Gumps gmail password 1forrest1" +"My dream is to open up Oregon Pizzas","My tagline would be OP delivers" +"Her: What do you think of wonton soup. Me: It's a little heavy for me, it's 2,000 pounds after all","Her: *groans*" +"What's the frequency Kenneth","Everybody Hz" +"I asked a hipster, “What’s your favorite Stephen King novel","” He said, “You probably never heard of It" +"Shoe company burns down","No soles were lost" +"Why Are Sodium and Chlorine Are The Worst To Play With","Because when you put them together they become salty" +"I made up a new word","Plagiarism" +"A man brings his Rottweiler into the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed is there anything you can do for him. ” “Well,” the vet says, “Let’s have a look at him. ” The vet picks up the dog and looks into his eyes. After a few second the he says, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to put him down. ” The shocked owner replies, “what. Because he’s cross-eyed","” “No, because he’s heavy" +"I think my golden retriever is defective","He has yet to retrieve any gold" +"I wanted to become a conductor","But there was too much train-ing" +"What did I do when my co-workers at the candy factory staged a strike to protest the commercialization of Easter Sunday","I didn't make a Peep" +"My. Saudi friend didn't know who. Justin. Bieber was. He must have been living under","Iraq" +"I never get a chance to talk to my Dad during breakfast, because he still reads the newspaper. I guess you could say that","he is behind the Times" +"So my 6 year old daughter got got my 8 year old son with this one this morning. Son: So, what do you want to be when you grow up","Daughter : well, I think I want to stay a person" +"Why did the cell phone wear glasses","It lost all it's contacts" +"I have fond memories of my childhood when Dad used to roll us down a hill inside spare car tires","Those were the Good Years" +"So a snake walks in to a bar","The bartender says, How'd you do that?" +"What do you call a basin full of denim","A gene pool" +"Asked my dad for some help with my math homework. Me: Hey Dad, can you help me with my math homework. Dad: *Looks at me* You need glasses when you do math. Me: What, why. I don't need glasses. Dad: Because it helps with da-vision","Me: *facepalms* Never mind Dad" +"I have a fear of speed bumps, but","I'm slowly getting over it" +"What do you call it when a chicken is staring at lettuce","Chicken sees a salad" +"My daughter’s been doing her. SATS exams all week and. I just told her every day this week has been a weekend for her","Because she’s had a sat-a-day" +"Talking to my brother at dinner, when a wild dad appears. Brother: If Chelsea had to play versus Man. City in a playoff, I'd buy a ticket instead of saving for a car (soccer teams) Me: Those tickets would be like","£70 a piece Dad: Man, that's a heavy ticket" +"Apparently, there are plenty of jokes with maths abbreviations","Well, I don't cm" +"This chocolate dessert tastes awful","It's off-pudding" +"A cop shouted pull over","But man, i was wearing a sweater" +"[National dad conference]. Speaker:. I'm glad you could all make it. Whole crowd: *in unison* hi glad you could all make it. We're dad. Speaker: *Puts up a pic of","ID on big screen showing legal name is glad you could all make it *entire conference loses their shit*" +"Vineyards don't usually do so well during a drought","so they tend to focus on raisin awareness" +"What condiment was granted knighthood. Sir Racha. (Sriracha)","As much as I don’t want to admit it, this is something I came up with (and I am a dad)" +"How many ears does Captain Kirk have. Three","The left ear, the right ear, and the Final Front ear" +"Went to the paint store today to get thinner Didn't work though","Still overweight" +"Where did Noah keep the bees","In the Ark Hives" +"What's the difference between a hippo and a. Zippo","Ones very heavy the others a little lighter ." +"I was swimming at a family gathering and I asked my uncle if he wanted to see something neat. Me: Hey you want to see a flip. Him: Why would I. There are 30 of them right here","(I'm filipino) -" +"My nephew has the gift of dad I took my niece and nephews hiking today. In the car, my niece (6) said I have mommy's ears","To which her brother (12) responded, No, you have your own" +"Tequila may not fix your life","But it’s worth a shot" +"Did you hear they made round hay bales illegal","Cows weren't getting a square meal" +"are these seats free. We usually rent them out but just this once we'll let you off no charge. Said to us last night when we needed somewhere to sit",":))" +"All these dadjokes are just badjokes","with a backwards b" +"Some people don't think whiteboards are interesting","Personally I find them remarkable" +"Why did the blind lady fall into the well","She couldn't see that well" +"My boyfriend said, Do you know how extra virgin olive oil is made. How","It's made from really ugly olives" +"I recently wrote an article comparing the different versions of the Bible","Turns out there was a lot of cross referencing" +"My dad didn't like the decision in. Roe vs. Wade","He said you had to see what type of river it was before you decide how to cross it." +"Actual dad joke Actual dialogue I walked in on: Mom: “Did you and him have a fight or something","” Dad: “No” Mom: “Well you’re really short” Dad: “No I’m not, I’m 6 foot 3”" +"It's really easy to cook noodles in a public garden","Just a wok in the park." +"My wife says I am bad at fixing appliances","She is in for a shock" +"Did you hear Jeff Bridges is going to star in the remake of Red October","People thought he would be excited but he's been pretty Subdude" +"I ate at the. McDonald’s on the space station","The food was great but there was no atmosphere" +"How did the octopus beat the shark in a fight","He was well armed" +"I lost a six-sided shape","I looked where I had it last and it was hexagone" +"A story to be passed down A man sat with his son one day and told him a story of him and his father: One day, his father took him to their special spot by the lake, a large clearing, once full of beautiful flowers but now all that stood in their place were numerous holes due to moles making their homes in the field. His father asked him to count holes and tell him how many there were. He took all day but managed to find 300 holes. His father then took him to another field that had been ravaged by moles and asked him to count how many holes there were. He managed to find 400 holes. His father then asked him how many holes there were total, and he replied 700 holes, dad, but why did you make me count the holes","His father smiled and replied, Well son, it might not be a very interesting tale; but it's a hole sum story you can tell your kids in the future" +"Do you know where Engagement Ohio is","Between Dayton and Marion" +"My grandfather’s last wish was that we should convert his ashes into a diamond","That’s a lot of pressure" +"What does a subatomic duck say","Quark" +"Why do chicken coops have 2 doors","Because if they had 4 they'd be a chicken sedan!" +"What’s Fast and the furious 10 going to be called","Fast 10: your seatbelts" +"Two cheese trucks ran into each other","De brie was everywhere." +"My girlfriends dad got me last night. The girlfriend and I went up to her parents house for dinner and the subject of how I'm allergic to cashews came up because my girlfriend found a cashew in the chex mix they were eating. Her dad then begins to proclaim, You should be fine, because I don't think any of our cats have shoes on","Moans for days" +"Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon","It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg" +"I have just one thing to say to my new Asian son-in-law","Welcome to the fam, Lee" +"What's a monster's favorite place to eat","5 Eyes Boogers and Flies" +"How do you make holy water","You boil the hell out of it" +"Two cats decide to have a boat race One is called one two three , the other is called un deux trois . Who won","One two three won because un deux trois cat sank" +"We were walking through my sister's college campus and he saw an ad for an. Asian club. He told her she should join and. I told him she wasn't","Asian and so my dad says but you went to orientation" +"A Pelican is actually called a Belican","Because it's beak can hold more than it's belly can" +"Girlfriend got dad joked by her grandpa today. So, my girlfriend and I were at her grandparents house today and she was saying hi to her grandpa. Now, her grandpa is 87 years old and a little senile so you have to ask him if he remembers you. So she was asking who am I. and he was still quick on it saying well you should know by now. It made me laugh real hard","I really didn't expect a response like that" +"Mom delivers at dinner Mom: Hey you're in the gopher seat. Sister: What. Mom: Ya know, the gopher seat. Sister: . Mom: Because you have to gopher stuff from the kitchen","(Sister was sitting in the seat by the kitchen door)" +"People who write burro when they mean burrow","clearly don't know their ass from a hole in the ground" +"What did Lightning McQueen say when he ate a nut","Cashew" +"He drops this every chance he gets Can I get anything else for you sir. A winning lotto ticket","Every single time this is invoked it induces uniform groans from my family" +"If you have a bladder infection Urine trouble","🤪" +"I recently read somewhere that there’s actually no battery acid in your iPhone’s battery","It’s powered by Apple juice" +"What do chemists do when a colleague dies","Barium" +"Never have a romantic relationship with a fellow employee","You two just won't work." +"The inventor of the throat lozenge has died","There will be no coffin at his funeral" +"Did you hear the one about the cloud","It was all over town" +"Got my coworker while we were installing sprinklers First off, some context. When you have to run pipe under a sidewalk, we use a metal rod with a spiral tip to make a hole that's called a bore rod. We were putting it away and I asked does this look a little dull. Huh. Dull","Yeah I watched it earlier and it looked like it was boring" +"How does a carpenter catch a taxi","He makes a cabinet" +"A joke. I heard at a. Christmas party. The best. Christmas meal is without a doubt. Eggs. Benedict served on a hubcap,","There's no place like chrome for the hollandaise" +"What do you call an infomercial that sounds to good to be true","Sham Wow" +"Breaking news","My wife's leg looks severely out of shape" +"If, instead of Robert Downey Jr. , Matthew Broderick starred in 'Iron Man'","we'd be calling him 'Ferrous Bueller" +"A Family Trip To The Zoo My dad, little sister, and I were hanging by the place where they keep the otters. After several minutes of not seeing anything my sister grew impatient. Where are they. I don't see any of them, she asks. My dad looks up with a twinkle in his eye, choking back laughter. Maybe you can't see them 'cause. they're on the *otter* side","God damn it, dad" +"Last night. I bought an alcoholic ginger beer","He wasn't happy" +"Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees","They’re so good at it" +"What is the name of Harrison Ford's brother","Balddad Toyota" +"I dropped my phone from the top of the. Eiffel. Tower","It's ok, it was in airplane mode" +"Dad. Where are we going","Forward" +"School didn't ring a bell the entire day","They were trying to earn a Nobel Peace Prize" +"What was John Lennon's favorite kind of Pop-Tart. Strawberry-filled","Forever" +"Why did the weightlifter go to the morgue to get a corpse","His specialty was the dead lift" +"Why are manatees endangered","Cause there are no womanatees" +"What did one depressed rabbit say to the other","Do you even carrot all" +"My girlfriend says I'm too lazy","I almost went out of my way to prove her wrong" +"What crime did the tree commit","He committed treeson" +"Why are mountains funny","Because they are hill areas" +"What do you call mice that fight and make up all the time","Compro-mice" +"My wife was playing Stardew Valley. And she was carrying around a gold bar. I told her That's a good idea, just plant gold, it sells for more than that corn. Right there should work. It takes up a lot of space, so give it room","You need about as much land as you do for twenty-four carrots" +"After 30 years bent over his broom, a Janitor was sure he had arthritis. After confirming this, his doctor asked how he knew","Oh, It was just a hunch" +"There was a big competition over who could put on their shoes the fastest","They all tied" +"Dad dropped a fucking brilliant one last night. needs some backstory So my brother is a policeman and last night got a call about a stolen washing machine. So he goes to it, ridiculous argument insues between the two parties then a slight wrestling match from my brother and the accuser and he gets nicked. So then my mum asks him What about the washing machine. Did the other man steal it","my dad replies instantly: It made a clean getaway I can't wait to have kids so my brain work the same way" +"Did you see they finally came out with a new chalk board","It’s pretty remarkable" +"Why does The Little Mermaid wear sea shells","Because she can't fit into D-shells" +"In light of the recent killer clown trend I thought I'd offer some advice So, what do you do if you're attacked by a group of killer clowns","You go for the juggler" +"At the Zoo with Dad Me: Let's go see the gorillas","Dad: That's what Che said" +"Not in the typical dad joke style, but here's my dad's sense of humor. We both work at a university caught in the midst of this cold front. I'm in admissions and he's the supervisor in the on campus power/heat plant. Dad, can you turn up the heat a little bit. The rest of campus is freezing. The dilithium crytals are overheating","She can't take anymore, captain" +"Dad joke on the bus Hey, how much is the bus","Uh, I would say around $100,000" +"What did the shy pebble wish for","That she was a little boulder" +"What is the official game of Corona Virus Quarantine","Solitaire" +"Got my boss at a tradeshow We were talking to a customer who sold porta-potty's. Boss: That might be a good business to get into. Me: Nah, I heard its going down the toilet","Almost got fired for bad puns" +"I started a band named 1023 megabytes. They told me. I had a gig, but","I don't" +"An open letter to the community of r/dadjokes n","The other 3 letters are in the depot" +"I sent my son to language day camp and he told me he never wanted to go to it again","He said it was no pun" +"I'm finally writing a book about my herb garden","It's about thyme" +"Why do people not believe a tree when it claims that it's a mammal","It was all bark, and no bite" +"I’m thinking about calling in sick tomorrow with anal glaucoma. Because","I can’t see my ass working" +"Man walks into a barber shop: “Can you shape my afro like a sphere","” Sorry, we don’t do that round hair" +"My girlfriend informed me that I had run out of protein","I said, No whey" +"A grandfather clock just fell on top of me","That hurt big time" +"I'm never gonna let my kids watch the orchestra","There's just too much sax and violins" +"What’s blue and smells like red paint","Blue paint" +"My friend said he saw a nocturnal mammal defecate in a. French. River. I told him thats bat shit in","Seine" +"'Honey, they have those fuzzy slippers I like. Two for $5","' Well that's nice they give you both of them" +"I read a new book on bridge design. It was written by. Archie","Tek" +"A dog sees a Now hiring poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads: Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer. The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter, and leaves the room. 30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter. Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program. he asks himself. 20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store. He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well. you're a dog. The dog nudges the words We are an equal opportunity employer. on the poster, and the manager sighs. There's no way you're bilingual","The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, Meow" +"Candy Corny My sister was talking about candy she didn't like. Her: Swedish fish taste awful. They aren't even sweet. Me: Well of course not","They're only sweet-ish" +"When a long-necked bird showed up to poker night, I thought he'd never fit in","But now he's just swan of the guys" +"Apparently Siri is a dad http://i. imgur. com/4Atcq47","jpg" +"My friend just called me the worst best man ever","I was speechless" +"Got my fiance today as he was telling me about his Burger King experience Fiance: For 4","50 Euros I got fries, a large drink and a long chicken Me: That's called a goose He told me to leave" +"As a fat guy, I try to avoid wearing skinny jeans","I find it very difficult to pull it off" +"Why didn't the body builder cross the street","Because traffic was too heavy" +"I dadjoked my boyfriend all the time Me: What did the Moon say to the Sun. Him: What. Me: You're up early today","Him: *groans*" +"I have a pen that can write underwater","It can write other words too" +"Me: This coffee tastes like dirt","Dad: That's because it was ground this morning" +"Wanna know what's really groundbreaking","Shovels" +"After I accidentally took a drink of my wife’s black coffee Me: I hate coffee, especially one that tastes this strong","Wife: I guess that’s why you drink something with a little more subtle tea" +"Why there is no tylenol in the jungle","Because parrots ate 'em all" +"I need a new pair of scissors","My old one is dull and just isnt cutting it" +"How do you kill a blue elephant. With a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant","You strangle it until it turns blue, and then shoot it with a blue elephant gun" +"What do you call a manatee with arms and legs","Humanatee" +"My dad sent me this one out of the blue. A Mexican magician says he'll disappear on the count of three. Uno. Dos. *Poof* He disappeared","Without a tres" +"You wouldn't believe who I bumped into on the way to the optometrist","Everybody" +"We were at the restaurant last night getting the check. When the check came they had my dad sign an ipad with his finger","When my dad was done signing he held up his finger in front of the waiter and said I like this pen can I keep it" +"My Grandfather Dad-Joked Me: The Grandad Joke Grandfather: So how's school going, do you like all your classes. Me: Yeah they're fine, I was thinking about studying abroad next semester","Grandfather: Yeah, I bet you wanna study a lotta broads" +"While making tacos for my mom and dad. Me: Lunch should be ready in like 15 minutes, the steak just needs to rest","Dad: Why, is it tired" +"Just heard this one from the guy behind me talking about going to Sea World for spring break. Son: Hey I want to go to Sea World. Dad: Okay lets go. He walks out with his son to the backyard. Son: What are we doing here","Dad: Look you can see the world from right here" +"When baby delights, and pitch of voice increases","We call this high coo." +"Why did the mp3 not like the cheap headset","It was an audio file" +"My uncle laid this one on me today Me and my cat really like discussions about philosophy, religion, and the like. The other day we got to talking about religions, and I asked her what religion she is. Well, she started licking my arm like crazy and wouldn't stop. That's when I realized, OH MY GOD","She's a cat-o-lick" +"My girlfriend texted me saying. I tell a lot of bad jokes","I told her she can't just keep using a 'b' in place of a 'd' in her texts" +"What's the most Down-to-Earth state in the USA","Floorida" +"What did Dad say after I gave him his 50th Birthday Card","You know, one would’ve been enough" +"Soon-to-be-Dad Joke I took my wife to her first OB appointment this morning. After everything was finished, she was getting dressed. The nurse knocked on the door- Are you dressed. I replied, Yes. As she opened the door to enter I added . but I'm not sure about her","My wife just shook her head" +"My dad on bicycles. I approached my father, who was obviously preparing for a ride on his clearly dad-bike, by strapping a lunchbox full of granola bars to the frame, and spoke the words that perfectly set myself up for a dad-joke attack. I asked, Going for a bike ride. Boom. Total mistake","Nope, just taking it for a walk" +"What has Mozart been up to for the last few hundred years","De-composing" +"How do crazy people go through the forest. They take the psychopaths. This gave me a needed chuckle. Found it here: https://entertainyourtoddler","com/best-jokes-for-kids/" +"What was Whitney Houston's favourite type of co-ordination","HAND EEEEEEEEYYYYYYYEEEEEEEYYYYEEEEEE" +"Dad's daughter was hiding http://i. imgur. com/enartAh","png" +"What do you call a priest who enjoys hiking","A roamin' catholic" +"98% percent of the population is stupid","Luckily I'm part of the 3%" +"What does Luke Skywalker use to open . pdf files","Adobe-Wan Kenobi" +"How do you find Will Smith in the snow","You look for fresh prints" +"The weirdest summer job I have ever had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo","That shit was bananas" +"A Classic. I gave my dad's phone to a coworker to fix. It's an old Sony Xperia Neo. He starts cursing at the phone and yells Stupid Phone. And I answer - It's not stupid","It's a smartphone Good laugh, good laugh" +"I saw a table book about about anvils recently","I just couldn't pick it up" +"How does NASA organize a party","They planet" +"Sometimes, my wife makes it *too* easy. I need to call the doctor today. Which doctor","No, the regular kind" +"What would you call a billion Russians","A gigablyat" +"My wife said she found a nice apartment for us, but there was no place to sit down and eat","Notable I said" +"What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer","A father in law" +"No arms, no legs, all lame My dad tells these old jokes all the time and acts like it's the first time we've ever heard them each time. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the lake. Bob What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs under the car. Jack What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hole. Phil What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on the wall. Art What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the mail. Bill What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the doorstep. Matt What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in stage. Mike And his personal favorite. What do you call 2 guys with no arms and no legs above the window","Curt n' Rod" +"Girlfriend just out clothes shopping texted me","Her: You a medium Me: I don't think I've ever had any psychic abilities, no" +"So, a miner and a chemist walk into a geology convention. They approach a table displaying a wide assortment of rocks. The chemist points in the booth's direction and asks the miner, Which is your favorite; cinnabar or cassiterite. The miner thought for a moment and replied, Either ore","I'll see myself out" +"My dad stepped on a drill bit. He was gilded by this response. http://imgur","com/tSpaVNE" +"Did you hear about the new broom","It's sweeping the nation" +"My friend was eating a salad at. Chic. Fil. A and says Man, my tooth is freezing","I respond it's because you're eating iceberg lettuce!" +"Did you hear about that new constipation documentary","It never came out" +"What kind of literature do chickens read","book book books" +"Why is there music coming from that rock. Out with my daughter at a resort, we heard music coming from a speaker shaped to look like a rock. She asked me why they had music coming from a rock. I told her the truth: it's rock music","Dad, she replied, you're funny" +"I may get promoted or demoted for this one. I was at work and saw my manager walking around with a clock. I lick my lips, My muscles tighten, All I hear is my heartbeat. My manager and I make eye contact. The words come out almost instantly: Looks like you've got a lot of time on your hands, sir","He maintains eye contact for a second and walks away, but I could hear his soul groan" +"Why was the coffee bean sad","He was being roasted" +"What kind of cheese is made backwards","Edam" +"What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for school","Bison" +"What do you call the shortest mother","The minimum" +"So imagine you were dating this named Lorraine She is AWFUL. She stalks you, goes through your phone, and other crazy girlfriend things. The times you have tried to break up with her is countless but she always weasels her way out of it and you find yourself not doing it. However there is this girl named Claire Lee. She is absolutely amazing, smart, pretty, overall a 10/10. You guys are just friends because you are “dating Lorraine” but you want to be so much more. So you and Lorraine are out at dinner and all of a sudden Lorraine proposes to you. You have no idea what to say and somehow you actually agree with it because she is that convincing. A few months pass by and it is your wedding day. You are standing at the altar waiting for Lorraine to walk down the aisle. Then out of nowhere someone comes running in screaming “LORRAINE IS GONE. LORRAINE IS GONE. ” Nobody knows where Lorraine is. Somebody says they think they saw her leave in a car a few minutes ago","Everyone is freaking out but all you can think is “I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine is gone" +"I was named after my father","Way after" +"I met my preschool-aged niece for the first time Christmas eve She loves turning into a blood monster, running up to people, slapping them, and claim she's sucking our blood as she yells I'm a blood monster. Rawr. Me: Oh no, she's a hemoGOBLIN","I got some applause from the few adults present" +"The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her. Would that go under N for nail","Or M for Manicure" +"This week’s winning lottery numbers are 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9","I mean, what are the odds" +"What do you call the beat to which a vice president dances while solving complex mathematical equations","An Al Gore-rhythm" +"What did 50 do when he was hungry","58" +"My son told me he was cold","So I said “Go sit in the corner, it’s 90 degrees over there" +"So a rubber company was hit hard by the Great Depression","They bounced back though so it's all good" +"What do Santa’s elves listen to ask they work","Wrap music" +"Why do ships have bar codes","Because they have to Scandinavian" +"I blew up some cheese earlier","Da brie went everywhere" +"I just bought a new spoon and I've been showing it off to everyone I know","It's causing quite a stir" +"It’s been almost 15 years since the show ended, and I can’t believe people are still making Friends references","No one told me life was gonna be this way" +"What is an elderly person's favorite music genre","Near-Death Metal" +"I used to be addicted to soap. Now","I'm all clean" +"Why did Jeffrey Dahmer have a blender on his front porch","So he could greet you with a handshake" +"Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is","Well in a nutshell, it is an Oak tree" +"I swallowed two pieces of string, and later they came out tied together","I shit you knot" +"What kind of grass does Matthew Mcconaughey have in his yard","All rye, all rye, all rye" +"My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti","You should have seen her face when I drove pasta" +"What did the period do after Thanksgiving","Go into a comma" +"What has 4 legs and tastes like a salad","A vegtable" +"Why was the pancake arrested","Because he was behaving un-waffle-ly" +"This ain't my first Rodeo. https://i. imgur. com/kAHzii0_d. jpg","maxwidth=640&shape=thumb&fidelity=high" +"I went to go get a haircut and they ended up cutting it way too short","I didn't like it, but it started to grow on me" +"A robber stole my emotions","I don't know how to feel about this" +"Dadjoked my Roommate My roommate got a care package from his mother who sent him various odds and ends from his old place and some food that she made herself. Roomate: Whoa, sweet, she packed in some Jams too. Look, there's strawberry, apple, mango and blackberry. Me: So you're saying that box was jam-packed","" +"National doughnut day. Sounds like a holiday I can really sink my teeth into","😎" +"Mom: Honey do you mind if I wear your wife-beater. Dad: Sure","Knock yourself out" +"Why did the old lady fall into the well","She couldn’t see that well" +"Ubisoft. That's nice","Ibihard" +"Asked my dad today of he got a haircut because it looked that way","He told me no, his hair grew shorter" +"Today is my 32nd birthday","I am only celebrating for 30 seconds" +"I just spotted an albino Dalmatian","It was the least I could do to help" +"The mods won't let me post to this subreddit","Apparently there is no address, so I will just communicate electronically instead" +"The Hulk was upset, picked up a Honda, and tossed it","He was throwing a Fit" +"I looked out of the window and my dad was slumped over the lawnmower crying his eyes out. I said to my mum what's up with him","She said he's just going through a rough patch" +"Why was the coffee paranoid","It gets mugged everyday" +"Why did the hippie cross the road","To break on through to the other side" +"Bad beer joke Me: Hey pop you wanna beer","Dad: of Coors I do" +"Just found out my daughter failed her oceanography course","Apparently her grades were below C-level" +"My son needed help with his writing homework. 'Is it further or farther. ' he asked me","It's me, father, I replied" +"What do you call a injured middle finger","A bruised opinion you want to show your boss every day" +"I’m terrified of elevators. So","I’m going to take steps to avoid them" +"What’s brown and sounds like a bell","Dung" +"Last night I dreamed of a world ran by emotionally intelligent chickens","I woke up in a fowl mood" +"What do you call a pig that knows karate","A pork chop" +"How do you drive a cow","Simple, you just steer" +"What does the sun drink from","Sunglasses" +"Simple one from my dad just now Me: Do we know my blood type. Dad: Red","Didn't even look away from the TV to answer, the quick bastard" +"After struggling to take my wife’s bra off for 20 minutes, I finally decided to give up","I’m now really regretting having put it on" +"Bethesda should make a retro 2D game","It could be called *The Elder Side-Scrolls*" +"I got a new job this week as the senior director of Old McDonald’s farm","I’m the new CIEIO" +"A friend of mine told me that I’m not the sharpest when it comes to jokes","I said: “To be perfectly blunt, that was quite rude of you”" +"This is more or less the exchange in my house after every meal. Housemate: *burps* Housemate: Pardon me. Me: You're pardoned","It's much a reaction now that he regrets saying pardon me" +"If your card says Happy Father's Day. it must mean today is only for happy fathers. When is it Sad Father's Day. Angry Father's Day","-- my dad, a few hours ago" +"How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke","When it becomes apparent" +"I decided to name my pig. Ink","Because it kept running out of the pen" +"Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself","It was two tired" +"What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it. Nothing","It just let out a little wine" +"I'm in a pickle. Dad: Well you better eat yourself out","Daughter: What the hell dad" +"I tried taking some high res photos of the local farmers crops","But they turned out really grainy." +"Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom. She says, yeah, I could stand to pee. I said, No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere. My first, official dad dad joke","How'd I do" +"Proud of myself for this one. A relative was telling a story about a friend that she knew who was allergic to formaldehyde. My wife asked what would happen when the person died. then quickly added I guess it wouldn't matter then","And I said but when they embalm her and put her in the casket will she break out" +"What does The Rock call the night his child was conceived","Monday Night Raw" +"My family was talking about colleges. Mom- The administrators want more students to reach out to colleges in person. Dad-(*Holding his arms outward and grabbing the air*) C'mere colleges, I'm gonna getcha","This was painful to watch" +"A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his zipper. Bartender: Hey buddy, you know you have steering wheel attached to your Willy. Pirate: Aaarrrrr","It's driving me nuts" +"Heard this one while waiting at the DMV","Customer: Hey I have to pay my property taxes, but I heard they were on the house The lady at the window didn't get it but I let out a hearty chuckle for the dad paying" +"Is there other forms of life in the universe","If not, it's an awful waste of space" +"Bored at work and made up food related puns What do you call it when you're drowned in chickpea dip. Hummus-cide How does a witch like her pasta","Sorcery" +"Why didn't the skeleton go to the ball","Because it had no-body to go with" +"My little sister just dad-joked my dad. We were at the table, and my mom and dad were talking about when they were dating, and my dad says, You know what. She's only made me 2 bad meals the entire time we've been married. Then my little sister goes, Yea, lunch and dinner","We cracked up about it and we're still giggling" +"It’s okay if your phone autocorrects ‘fuck’ to ‘duck’","You’re still using fowl language." +"My dad worked in sheet metal for many years. Now I work in a metal fabrication shop","Guess you could say I come from a pretty weld to do family" +"I dropped my chickpeas on the floor today","I falafel about it" +"What do you call a Russian leader covered in gravy and cheese curds","Vladimir Poutine" +"Little sister came up with this one. The other day, my 11 year old sister came walking in the living room carrying this. [ginger bread](http://i. imgur. com/ao0t0YT","jpg)" +"Met a dad at work today I'm a cashier. I was ringing up an old man's groceries, and he told me that sugar makes the arthritis in his hands worse","Except his left hand, then it's his arthleftis" +"Why are there so many car crashes in Russia","Because everybody's Russian all the time" +"Did you hear about the two antennas who got married","The ceremony kinda sucked but the reception was amazing" +"How do you call a road with a six-pack","An abroad" +"401k","I signed up for my company's 401k but I am nervous because I've never run that far before" +"Friend: They don't know if it's arson yet","Me: it's probably ardaughter" +"What do you get when you have 12 enchiladas. A foot-ilada","To which my 3 year old said, Dad, you need to work on your jokes" +"i want to open a puppy mill store next to the humane society, and sell dogs by weight i'll call it Puppies by the","Pound" +"My gf's dad told me he passed a kidney stone yesterday. This is the pic he took to show me. https://imgur","com/gallery/QEMGB" +"I was walking my dog in the park when this young woman came over to me and said, What a beautiful dog. Is it purebred","I told her, No, it's pure dog" +"My dad is in tune with the world I just got a package containing 25 ounces of silver in differently sized bullion coins. I was checking them out when my cat jumped up on the table, smelled the coin I was holding and then bit it for some reason. I said Whoa. he just bit it, as the cat ran away (probably not fun biting solid metal)","My dad glanced over and said, So it's a Bitcoin" +"Take a donut","Donut mind if I do" +"My class wasn't moved. It's the first day of class and the professor wants everyone to introduce themselves. Just give us your name, whether this is your first philosophy class, and what you are a fan of. Most people say they are really into certain football teams or underwater basket weaving. But not me. I take a deep breath and announce: I'm /u/BoringCode and I may not be a fan but I am pretty cool","Dead silence" +"Just in time for the holidays. this joke I love Hollandaise sauce, and put it on everything, but the lemon juice in it reeks havoc on my dentures. My dentist said he has just the thing: dentures made of chrome","Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise" +"My last name is Webb. Walking through our call center, when a manager pokes her head out of her office to speak to her team and I was right in front of her. Their entire section is covered in spider web decorations for Halloween. > Her: Oh man guys, this is getting ridiculous. I can barely see you through all these webs. > Me: Oh, sorry my bad. I'll move","She will get it later, I'm sure of it" +"Did you hear about the the man who fell through the screen door","He strained himself" +"Who was the first president of the laundry room","George Washing-done" +"What happens when a frog’s car breaks down","It gets toad" +"What do people call Aquaman when they are mad at him","Son of a Beach" +"So dotting i's is one thing. But crossing t's","That's where I draw the line" +"How many birds does it take to change a lightbulb","Two-can" +"I complained to my dad about how we were having brown rice for dinner","He told me not to be so riceist" +"What do you call a man with a spade on his head","Doug" +"Domestic violence dad joked My fiancé is washing dishes while I'm in the living room, she asks me to park the car into the garage. I say you park the car. (In a joking manner) *I'm washing dishes. * But I don't wanna *I'm gonna kick your butt* Not before I kick yours. *Don't make me hit you with this pan. * I'm gonna hit you with my car. (I grab the car keys and park the car and come back inside the house) *i thought you were gonna-* (I take out a tiny plastic car from my pocket, which I got from the garage, and throw it at her chest) (She stands there in disbelief while I stare at her and smile with that dad smile that we get when we pull off a good dad joke) *sigh oh no. * (She pretends to fall to the floor and pretend calls 911) *I've been hit by a car. No a small one","no a hot wheels* Actually it's Tonka *uuuuggggh*" +"To the person who stole my Microsoft office, I will find you","You have my Word" +"Dad, are we pyromaniacs","“Yes, we arson" +"Why wasn't the boy allowed into the pirate movie","Because it was rated Rrrrrrrr" +"Statistically, if you take the entire population of the","US and cut them in half they’ll die." +"I went to a lawyer yesterday to try and sue Starbucks for not filtering my coffee correctly","But it turns out there were no grounds" +"What’s the opposite of a mailman","A femailman" +"My First Try at a Dad Joke. Did you hear about the man that got married to a bee","They went on a honeymoon" +"My wife asked me to stop singing. Wonder wall to her","I said maybe" +"She's a keeper My girlfriend and I were arguing this morning. The kind of argument where only one of us is upset and the other thinks its hilarious. To taunt me, she asked How mad are you . I tried being tough when I replied soooo mad right now . With a grin she asks like super mad . Not seeing the trap before me I respond Yes, I am super mad . This backfired horribly as she proceeded to take the towel on her head and tie it around her neck as a cape. Then she ran circles in the kitchen with her arms extended, pretending to fly yelling You're a bird. You're a plane. Youuuuuuuu're SUPER MAAAD. Pretty sure she forgot I was even there","She wins this round" +"My dad kept making bird puns today","I told him toucan play at that game" +"Dogs cannot. MRI. But","Catscan" +"I got caught trespassing on a boat in. Somalia","Apparently it was pirate property" +"Boyfriend is shaping up to be a great future dad. Me, reminiscing about friends: I just love my debate family so much. His response: Why","All you guys do is argue all the time" +"What if L from Death note was dumb","That would make him a weight" +"I lost it the other day","Until I finally found the dvd under my couch" +"What did the mama bullet say to the papa bullet","We’re going to have a B" +"I thought of a shredded cheese joke","But it's not that grate" +"[At the grocery check out] Do you want your milk in a bag","No, just leave it in the jug please" +"What's the stinkiest kind of teacher. A substi-toot teacher","Told by my son and his friend (1st grade) who worked on this joke for about 30 minutes" +"My brother dad jokes My father and I today. So, we were sitting at the table, eating lunch and my brother says Bro: What do a Tuna, Piano, and a Jar of Glue all have in common. Dad, Me: What. Bro: You can tunapiano but you can't pianoatuna. Dad, Me: What about the glue","Bro: I knew you'd get stuck on that" +"So after seeing the doctor . I go to the check-out counter. The lady asks, which doctor did you see. I said, oh no, I didn't see a witch doctor, I saw Dr. Smith","" +"While my 6 year old daughter was playing with her shirt and put both her arms inside her shirt she asked me, what would you do if I had no arms. I quickly replied We'd lend you a hand","My girlfriend and I burst out laughing" +"Been having dizzy spells today My wife just asked me if my vertigo had improved. Me: yeah, it's a lot better now Her: so it's vertigone then","I'm so proud" +"My dad’s version of “The Night Before Christmas” A Christmas Poem by Dad (1952–2009) 'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shack, Not a creature was stirring, we was all in the sack; Our mugs were placed on the mantle with cheer, In hope that Saint Nick would bring us a beer; And me I was tucked up all snug in my bed, But strains of sweet music still danced through my head; So I sprang from my bed with a crash and a clatter, And off down the hall with bare feet did I patter; There on the chair sat my musical pipe, So I sat down to play without fanfare or hype; Come Mozart, come Hayden, Stravinski and Strauss, And write me some music to bring down the house; When down from the chimney appeared with a crash, A strange little man in the smoke and the ash; He wiggled and jumped and got up like a shot, Came over and said, Man those cinders are hot. ; His stomach it shook like a bowl full of jelly, For a moment I thought it was dear old aunt Nelly; His nose like a cherry, his ears like two jugs, I was worried that this guy just might be on drugs; His language was foul, his jokes they were crass, So I opened the door and threw him out on his ass; But then as I turned, boy was I ever surprised; I saw what he'd bought me, or so I surmised; For there in the corner right under the tree, Was some brand new sheet music and a case of O. ; I turned to say thank-you but found he had gone, He was not in the garden and not on the lawn; And just when I thought that he couldn't get far, I realized the old goat had stolen the car; Off in the distance he said with a wheeze, I hated to do it but you left me the keys. ; I smiled and laughed for this much I could savour, For I'd just sold the car to my idiot neighbour; And once more he called as he drove out of sight, Merry Christmas to all, and don't drive when you're tight. *Thank you for everything, Dad","We love and miss you" +"What do you call Thor if he just wore black pants","Black panther" +"Mum, dad,. I'm gay. Mum: *looks at dad*. Dad: *clenches fist and sweats*. Mum:. No, don-. Dad:. HI. GAY. I'M","DAD" +"I went bird hunting with my son","It was quite pheasant" +"Wanna hear a joke about communism","Oh sorry, I understand it's not funny unless everyone gets it" +"I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go there by yourself","You have to be in Cahoots with someone" +"French people are so hardcore","They eat pain for breakfast." +"What do you call potheads from Pennsylvania","Keystoners" +"My brother had a good one at dinner","We were discussing comics having backstories, then my brother busted out this: most back stories end at the chiropractor." +"What is a bad wizard’s favourite computer program","Spell-check" +"My uncle struck gold carrying groceries in today We're having a family BBQ and he's carrying all the drinks in from the car. Me: Hey Uncle B, need help carrying anything in. Uncle: I got it","it's light beer anyways" +"I never trust any photos shown to me by physicians","They are all doctored" +"I asked my doctor if I could administer my own anesthetic. He replied: Go ahead","Knock yourself out" +"Why is it better to screw up on a road you paved than on one someone else paved","Because it's your own asphalt" +"What's brown and sticky","A stick" +"Savior conversation of My Dad My mom is looking in the mirror and says “My face is wrinkly; my arms are flabby; I look so fat. ” She turns to My dad and says “I need a compliment”","He says “Your eyesight is perfect”" +"What kind of homes do leprechans live in","Leprecondos" +"What did the cell say to his sister cell when she stepped on his toe","Mitosis" +"You know those homicide jokes people keep making","They're killing me" +"Maths lecturer is clearly a Dad","He was briefing us on what next year's course would entail; You'll be dealing with matrices, and no, they are not what mathematicians sleep on" +"What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane","Meeeeeeeeee" +"Why don't they just make everything free","It just doesn't make cents" +"Discussing a possible lion that was seen in Wisconsin. My dad said it was hard to confirm it was a lion because the reports were from a number of random spottings","My mom said it Sounds more like a leopard" +"What do you call a bear with no honey","Lonely" +"Dadjoked by my daughter at lunch today So we were at the mall today, grabbed lunch in the food court. My wife had gotten a soda with her lunch, when her phone went off to remind her to drink a glass of water (she has it set to go off like 4 times a day). Remembering that she had milk at breakfast, I commented to my daughter, 'Man, Mommy is drinking everything BUT water today isn't she. ' 'Daddy, butt water sounds DISGUSTING","' Sigh" +"“Do you know where yonder is. ” Natives of Baltimore, Maryland, my wife and I decided to move to the country in southwest . Virginia for a change of pace. After we made the move, we started to notice little things about our neighbors. One we could not get over was how they gave directions. When we asked, everyone said to go down yonder and go over yonder and go around yonder. We would say thank you, but when we got into the truck we’d look at each other and ask, “Do you know where yonder is. ” So for the first year or so, we drove around in circles. Then the other day, while we were in town shopping, someone asked us for directions. As I told them where to go, it came to me all at once. It took some time, but yeah—now I know where yonder is","And the people there are all right" +"Just dadjoked the bartender. I'm a server by trade, and my uniform includes one of those aprons that ties around your waist. After work, I like to stop at a specific bar for a beer or two. I don't take my apron off because I carry my cash bank in it. Tonight, I walked into the bar and the bartender said, do you ever take your apron off. I smiled & said, Nah, I'm attached at the hip","Pretty proud of that one" +"David Hasselhoff walks into a bar The bartender says, “Oh my god, David Hasselhoff, this is so amazing. “ David Hasselhoff replies, “Just call me Hoff","“ The bartender replies, “Sure, no hassle, just Hoff" +"Why is North Korea so good at measurement","Because they have a supreme ruler" +"for our anniversary,","I gave my girlfriend a small picture of me inside a pistachio but that's just me in a nutshell." +"So today I walked into my art class but","It seemed a little sketchy" +"my 8 year old is practicing Me: What do you want for dinner. 8 year old (smart-ass just like his father) child: I want food for dinner","Me: (glares at husband) Husband: giggle" +"What do you call taking a picture of your own cells under a microscope","a Cell-fie" +"I love this sub. Seriously","The sauce on it is delicious" +"Stopped to pick up a hitchiker He got in, said thank you but how do you know I'm not a serial killer","I replied that the odds of two serial killers in the same vehicle has to be astronomical" +"Got hit with a dad joke the other day","It hurt." +"A little known fact. Before crowbars were invented, crows often drank at home","Xpost" +"How would the world look if it were run by the Danish","It would be a Pastryarchal Society" +"What do you call someone who has diarrhea","A bad ass" +"What shoes do artists wear","Sketchers" +"Keith. Urban is a dad. He's judging on. American. Idol and one contestant says I'm going to sing. Somewhere. Over the. Rainbow and","Keith suggest You should sing it here" +"My wife was complaining that I never buy her jewellery","I didn’t even know she sold jewellery" +"Told my dad to boil the kettle","He said wouldn't it be better to boil some water" +"Dadjoked my dad during Mother 's Day Brunch We had ordered mussels and were destroying them. We couldn't stop talking about how great they were. Dad: god damn I've had some good mussels in my life but these are amazing. I've got to remember to come here again. Me: Make sure to eat as many as you can. Dad: Why's that. Me, giggling: Mussel memory","*groans from everyone*" +"After grandma passed away. Several years later my father and I were driving home when he said I think I need to take a left turn up here. I countered immediately with Your MOM takes left turns here. He turned to me twisting his face pretending to cry and says MY MOM'S DEAD. Nothing had ever left me speechless before, but my dad starts laughing. Then I lost it completely",":)" +"Why do Soviet planes crash all the time","Cuz they Stalin, and they can’t recover from it fast enough" +"I was going to tell a joke about sodium. But then. I thought","NA" +"Got my professor with a chemistry joke. NamelessNamek. What's the charge of a hydrogen without an electron. It has a plus one charge. Are you sure. I'm *positive*","He chuckled and nobody else did" +"I dropped this one on my brother today. He doesn't use the internet much, so his news is always slow and outdated. I got this text from him; * Hey, did you hear about that whole Russia/Ukraine thing. I feel so bad for the Ukrainians. * Naturally my reply was Oh Crimea river","He texted back an eye-roll so I figured I won" +"What do you call a princess who just turned eighteen","Barely regal *drumroll*" +"What happened when 30 got hungry","38" +"My grandpa got new pants Grandpa how do they fit","Like a cheap castle Seeing I was confused he said There's no ballroom" +"Teacher satisfies classroom of 45 A kid in my class was confused and this is how it happened: Student: I thought the answer was 4 Teacher: Nope, it's 5. Student: I'm trippin'. Teacher: How could you be trippin'. You're sitting down","Entire classroom: *groan* Teacher: *malevolent grin*" +"Hear about that kidnapping","He woke up" +"I read an article earlier that said it actually takes three sheep to make one sweater…","I didn't even know they could knit!" +"My. Dad always tells this to waiters/waitresses. Dad: *calls them over after meal*. Waiter, this food is disgusting. Waiter:. Apologises profusely. Dad:. And another thing, the portions aren't big enough","Cue awkward laughter" +"The local cop shop had it's toilet stolen","Police have nothing to go on" +"What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung","*The Guardians Of The Galaxy*" +"A leguminous plant's son missed curfew, when he came back, his mother said","Where have you bean" +"Looking around the house for mom's phone. My mom was looking for her phone and asked my dad, Honey, can you call my phone. To which he started shouting, Michelle's phone","Michelle's phone, where are you" +"I heard a German sausage joke","Full disclosure: it's the wurst" +"I started a swear jar yesterday. It's already three quarters full. https://i. imgur. com/ptz0cqD","jpg" +"All. I'm saying, is if. I can't sleep in there","Then why the hell does everyone keep calling it a restroom?" +"How many Hitlers does it take to screw in a lightbulb","NEIN NEIN NEIN" +"My friend took up juggling and now he never hangs out with us","Says he has too many balls in the air" +"You wouldn't believe what Timothy did downstairs","But that's another story" +"What does a plumber and the cloud both have in common","Sync problems" +"What do you call it when someone named Michael has heart surgery after dark","Open Mike night" +"Bacon and eggs walk into a bar They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers","The bartender looks at them and says “sorry boys, we don’t serve breakfast here" +"I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes","But that's Heinz sight for you" +"Good night, no more games, go to sleep now I say. But Daddy. my daughter says. And don't call me Buttdaddy. It's disrespectful","I reply" +"Dad got my sister just now. Dad: So we finally put the BMW up on AutoTrader. Sis: Oh, wow. What'd you put it up for","Dad: Well, we were thinking about selling it" +"A restaurant opened in my town called Journey","They make your meal any way you want it" +"I went to pay my respects at my mother's grave. I saw a man get out of a dump truck and wave to me. I waved back and asked, Do you dig graves","To which he replied, They're alright" +"Why did the Uterus get kicked out of hollywood","It was ovary-acting" +"I farted in my wallet","Now I have gas money" +"Dadjoked by my grandma Visiting with my grandma today who just recently left the hospital. Me: how are you feeling","Grandma: with my hands" +"What do you call a black and white striped brassiere","A zebra" +"Is it me or does this sub feel abandoned. http://i. imgur. com/hoyHvyJ","jpg" +"Just dad joked my dad. My dad was feeling his wallet in his back pocket and says, My wallet is cold. I said, Maybe they froze all your bank accounts","EDIT: A word" +"You want to hear my joke on construction","I’m still working on it" +"I worked my ass off today. Dad looks back at me and says: I can still see it back there","Groans all around" +"My kid’s teacher was sick today. Her replacement showed up wearing a ball gag, leather shirt and chainmail pants","Oops wrong sub" +"Dogs can't operate an. MRI machine","But catscan" +"I don't understand why Father's Day is always on a Sunday","If it were a day earlier, we could have called it Dad-turday" +"A wife asks her husband, Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six. A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk. Why did you buy six cartons of milk. the wife asks","He replies, They had avocados" +"The other day a cadmium brick fell onto my two middle fingers","It was heavy metal" +"Me and my organic lab partner are good friends. Our classmate asked if there was something going on between us. I said no, we just have good *chemistry*","She doesn't talk to me anymore" +"Why don't birds eat chips","Because it Ruffles their feathers" +"What is it called when a speaker uses a keyboard","Stereotyping" +"You might as well date a broom","At least it can sweep you off your feet" +"If you play rock, paper, scissors on a treadmill, always choose paper","Everyone knows you don't run with scissors" +"I left my Ritalin in my Ford Fiesta","It's now a Ford Focus" +"I'm combining Easter and April Fools day this year","I'm sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven't hidden" +"Found a old canadian bill. Me- Woah dad check it out a old non plastic 5 dollar bill Dad- Coooool Me- Aren't these like rare now","Dad- Yea they're worth 5 dollars" +"My dad used to have me convinced he could stop the rain by snapping his fingers it was not until I was a little older that I realized He would snap his fingers when we went under over passes","Thought this belonged here" +"My girlfriend got a $500 check in the mail. http://i. imgur. com/8G3tmp2","jpg" +"Walking through the park with my brother He says: There are really a lot of statues here. Me: Yeah, it's pretty","overstaturated" +"What is an epileptic's favourite snack","Seizure salad" +"What’s the softest pet","A carpet" +"called my girlfriend the ice queen","(cold and emotionless) She looks me dead in the eyes and said 'the cold doesn't bother me anyway' Hi five then walk away" +"Dad joked my gf at a chineese restaurant today. Our very hot Wonton soup was served to us and we both recoiled at the first sip because it nearly burned our mouths. Gf: This soup is really hot. Me ::wicked smile:: Would you say it was Soup-er hot","Groans were had and for the fifty millionth time, she threatened to leave me with a smile on her face" +"How did 100% of shoppers at Ikea rate their experience","Pretty Swede" +"Why can't you play poker on the African Savanna","There's too many cheetahs" +"I recently went to a beekeepers convention","I hated the talks because the speakers there were using so many buzzwords" +"A neutron walks into a bar . orders a drink and gets out his wallet. Bartender stops him, For you","No charge" +"My wife says I'm a joke","An oldie, but a goodie" +"What fish tastes best with peanut butter","Jellyfish" +"What number can fly like a bird","Two can" +"Since I started using new instruments in my 8-bit remixes, they've been getting more popular","That's a good sine" +"On my way home from work on October 20th, I saw a house in what the night before was a vacant lot. The next night, it wasn't there. Then, on November 19th it was back. But it was gone the next day. I suspect it will be there December 18th as well","I think it's a werehouse" +"Made my wife cringe over the latest dad joke (she's working on a project that involves a fake plastic fish) me: Isn't it weird that you don't see obese fish. her: Yeah but that's because they just keep growing bigger","me: Oh, I thought it was because they all have scales" +"What do you call a masturbating cow","Beef stroganoff" +"What is the leading cause of dry skin","Towels" +"What do you call a prison guard wearing a kilt","Scotch whiskey" +"I ran into my kid’s teacher outside of school today. It was heartbreaking, she was working at her second job. It’s depressing that teachers are so underpaid and unappreciated","So I gave her an extra $50 for the lap dance" +"How do you top a car","Tep on the brake, tupid" +"Why are ghosts always dehydrated","They have a lot of boos but no water" +"My toddler has dad jokes My daughter was taking a bath, and she has some bath paint. She was painting on the wall with it, and I wanted to ask her what kind of picture she was painting. Me: what are you painting. Her: the wall","I don't know whether to be proud or annoyed" +"There was a fire at a clothing factory","Everybody dyed" +"Why are people with glasses so unruly","Because they don't have any super-vision" +"Outside wrapping my brothers birthday presents with my dad. Dad:. I'm a pretty good wrapper for a dad \*I nod*","Dad: *I said a hip hop the hippie to the hippie to the hip hip hop and you don't stop to rock it* . . ." +"A recent study shows humans eat more bananas than monkeys","I don’t even remember the last time I ate a monkey" +"Do old men wear boxers or briefs","Depends" +"Been waiting all week for Thursday so I can put up my TBT post. http://imgur","com/Mk4JBTt" +"What would you call Spider-Man if he was a valet","Peter Parker" +"Dad for the win last night. So my family and I are all gathering around the TV watching the Notre Dame & North Carolina basketball game last night, when out of nowhere my dog starts dry humping the air. It's absolutely hilarious when he does it, and it all never fails to make everyone laugh hysterically. Take in mind that my dog is neutered so he's super horny but, obviously doesn't really no what he's doing since his baby makers were chopped off. Anyways, my brothers trying to get him to come to him and he's just sitting there looking at him with this his devious little dog face. Angrily, my brother says, He's probably so disobedient because you guys had to go and cut off his balls. Everyone nodded their heads agreeably, except my dad who mumbles, Yeah Matt, that must explain why he never comes","" +"Why did the French chef use only one egg when he made his omelette","Because one egg is un oeuf" +"My Dad's Response to Giuliani's Butt Dial I texted my Dad a link to the initial headline. His response is in the link below. http://imgur","com/gallery/cAM4mhO" +"What do you call a slutty horse","A whorse" +"Old musicians never die","They just decompose" +"Milk is the fastest dairy product","It’s pasteurized before you ever see it" +"At the dinner table last night. Sorry son, your toy raccoon can't eat dinner with us","He's already stuffed" +"**Dad:** Hey M, did you hear about that kidnapping. (my little sisters name is Emma, everyone calls her M for short) **My Little Sister:** No. What happened. **Dad:** Dont worry, he woke up. **My Little Sister:** **ROLLS EYES** **Me:** Hahahahahaha. Nice. **My Little Sister:** Omg. Is this funny. **Dad:** No, THIS IS PATRICK. (We all really love SpongeBob SquarePants) **I GET UP TO GIVE ME DAD A HIGH FIVE AND HIS PHONE RINGS AS SOON AS I GET UP. IT'S MY MOM CALLING HIM FROM THE KITCHEN** **Mom:** Hi, I was wondering if I had the right number. Is this funny. **Dad:** No. THIS IS PATRICK. **My Little Sister:** Really. You too Mom. **Mom:** No, I'm 49 sweetie. **My Little Sister:** Nevermind. I'm watching, Black Mirror, in my room by myself. **Dad:** Sweetie, African American, don't just call them Black. That's not nice. **My Little Sister:** . - I know this isn't necessarily a, Dad Joke. It's more of a conversation my Dad and Little Sister had. But it was seriously one of the funniest moments I've ever seen. - Sorry if this is in the wrong SubReddit, but it was so funny that I had to post it somewhere. I really love my family","LMFAO" +"I finally watched Dr Who. It was about time. ----- Stolen from https://old. reddit","com/r/DoctorWhumour/comments/asn82r/time_stuff/" +"That's an Oddly Shaped Pie There was a village that had four competing pie shops, each inhabiting their own corner of the town. One of these shops was named The Circle . The Circle wanted to gain an edge on the other shops, they wanted to stand out. They realized they could transport more pies in their boxes if they made the pies square instead of circular, so they would stack better. The only place in the village to have these oddly-shaped pies is at The Circle","So, for the area of The Circle, the pie are squared" +"Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford Comma goes to a bar","Both of them had a great time" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When it becomes apparent" +"When I used to work at a restaurant. For awhile there in university, I worked as an appetizer cook for a higher end restaurant. At the end of some shifts I'd make use of the staff discount and cook up some calamari or make a sushi roll for myself. Sometimes my GF (now wife) would join me in this post-shift snack. When she would ask something equivalent to, How was your shift. I'd often respond mid-bite and say in a snooty French accent, I ate my work","She's been groaning for almost 20 years now" +"I know a guy called. Heath,","He's hill areas" +"Dad: I don't trust thoes tree's son Son: What. Why","Dad: They seem kinda shady" +"What do you call an. Air. Force completely run by dogs","The luftwoofer" +"Why should you be cautious to perfectly dial in on your herbs and spices when cooking","Because wasting *thyme* is a big *dill*" +"Dadjokes at the zoo My wife and I took our daughter, niece, and nephew to the zoo today. We were standing in front of the anteater exhibit when I protectively put my hand in front of my wife and whispered, watch out, you don't want to get too close to these things. My neice: Why not. Me: Oh you're fine. It's her (indicating my wife). These things are aunteaters","*slight pause followed by collective groan*" +"What do you call a carnivorous weatherman","A meat-eater-ologist" +"We are standing at Depoe Bay, Oregon watching the whales. I point at a bird (ironically), “look Patty, a seagull. ” My wife replies, “no, it’s a bagel. ” “Why is it a bagel. ” “Because it’s over the BAY. ” That’s pretty funny, but. The thing is she didn’t just make up this joke, but this is the first time I’ve heard it. We’ve been married for 18 years. That means that she’s been waiting for 18 years until we were near the ocean, at a bay, waiting for a seagull to fly over","The dad joke is above average, but statistically speaking, she has my respect 100%" +"Why my uncle is not allowed in church anymore You know there's a lot of standing up and sitting down during services. When my uncle stood up, the woman in front of him turned around and slapped him in the face. And then she did it again. I heard he was then banned from church. Later on I asked him what had happened and he said, Well, when we stood up, I noticed her skirt was in a wedgie so I pulled it out. Then she slapped me. So I put it back","And that is why my uncle is not allowed in church anymore" +"A cop just knocked on my door and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes I told him, That's impossible","My dogs don't even own bikes" +"Caller ID ::phone starts ringing:: ::Dad goes to look at the caller ID and turns away, deciding not to answer it:: Me: who is it. Dad: Unavailable","Beats me why they'd even be calling us if they're unavailable" +"Knock. Knock","Come in" +"Two year old son dadjoked my wife just now. Wife: I'm going to go jump in the shower. Son: Don't jump, you'll hurt your leg","I'm so proud" +"I've always wanted to find a career as a male prostitute, however","I've heard it's a real pain in the ass" +"What does a blanket say when it falls off the bed","Oh sheet" +"A dad classic how do you make a tissue dance","Put a little boogie in it" +"Which U. S President has nothing to hide. Abraham Lincoln","He is *in a cent*" +"Asked my dad why he was using the lint roller on the rug","He responded with, Because that's how I roll" +"A skeleton walks into a bar","He orders a beer and a mop" +"I used to hate beards","But then it grew on me" +"Don't hurt a slug","Or they can charge you with a salt." +"LPT: If you are trying to stay in a hotel that’s completely booked, just tell the receptionist that your name is “improvement”","Because there’s always room for improvement" +"I saw a man trick a Chinese woman into giving up her bag","It was pursasian" +"What happens when you mix goat DNA with human DNA","You get kicked out of the petting zoo" +"I went to see a fat magician the other night. He had a few","Twix up his sleeve" +"My first lame dad joke, I don't know if I should be proud or ashamed. My 3 year old daughter recently began to ask questions about everything - before she just went on with our routine. Today we told her we should go get some lunch. She said what is lunch. - as in, what are we having for lunch. I went on to to explain to her what lunch is; at what time it's had, how it is placed in the mouth with utensils, how the food is chewed, etc. She just stared at me with a blank face of utter confusion","I can't wait until she starts to get these and actually finds them annoying" +"I'm angry and don't want to tell you what weathered frozen water is","Ice wear, if you ask my one more time" +"Chem professor dropped this on our lecture. See how the basic unit is a photon. It has the same '-on' ending as other basic units - like electron, neutron, proton. Now what's the basic unit of sociology","A pers-on" +"My daughter told me she loves geometry","Figures" +"Probably the best, original joke my family has heard from me We were eating dinner and my brother was talking about an old high school teacher of his: she called it herstory instead of history because she thought that the important parts of the past were about women instead of men. [Lightbulb. jpg](http://www. pilotoviejo. com/images/articulos/idea. gif) ** So wait, does that mean she calls it a HERsterectomy instead of a HISterectomy. ** A beat goes by. My dad broke the silence with Ginganinja888, where did you get that from. Proudly grinning, I say, I just came up with it. Dad: Oh God, even worse. **Unrelated notes** Calling it herstory is dumb because history actually stems from Greek and is in fact *not* a conspiracy to place men at the center of all important events","I know I spelled hysterectomy wrong, it was to highlight the joke" +"It's 103 degrees today dad","Not cool son" +"How much money does an ATM hold","80 M" +"The spray bottle My friend is always telling the corniest jokes, finally came up with a good one for him. He came over to this weekend and as soon as he walked in the door I sprayed him with a water spray bottle","Ross, I mist you" +"I watched a documentary about beavers the other day","It was the best dam program I have ever seen" +"Last night I lost my watch at a party. Later on I saw some guy harassing a woman while standing on it, so I walked up and punched him in the face. Nobody does that to a woman","not on my watch" +"Got my girlfriend with the same joke twice. So last night we were at a carnival type thing and there was a food truck there called *town name* Bite Me where we ordered some pizza. Anyway, I pretended I couldn't see the sign and asked her what it said. She just responded with Bite me , so that is exactly what I did. I was awarded a couple of weird looks and a colossal eye roll. Cut to this morning: I got up to find my better half talking to my mum. She was eating some leftover pizza while I walked up behind her, unnoticed. Mum asked where we got the pizza. Once again, she replied bite me so like a lion I went for the kill","I got dealt some swift justice for that one" +"My wife said to me that I should be open and truthful","I guess I am now called Frank" +"The decision for a liquid to fill the shape of whatever container they are in is","InVOLUMEtary" +"7 bodybuilders found dead in gym","Police are on the look for the mass murderer." +"If a clam takes a picture of itself","would the picture be a shellfie" +"How I proposed to my girlfriend today Me: knock knock. Her: who's there. Me: Mary. Her: Mary who. Me: Marry Me","Edit: she did say yes" +"A furniture store keeps calling me","All I wanted was one night stand" +"Some random dude threw milk at me","like how dairy" +"Just happened between my co-worker and I Me: You must be a fun dad. Him: Are you calling me a mushroom. Me: O_o. What. Him: You know","a fun-guy" +"I just accidentally superglued my thumb & index finger together, and at first I started to panic","but then I remembered that it’s always going to be okay" +"My date canceled because I told her I am a complete dick","I just meant I'm uncircumcised" +"Dad got me about GTA V Me: I bought the new GTA 5. Dad: I heard you can have sex with hookers in that Me: In 1st person","Dad: I can guarantee you're not the 1st person they had sex with" +"Father: Hey son what are you drinking","Son: Soy-milk Father: Hola milk, soy tu padre" +"What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo","One weighs quite a bit; the other is a little lighter" +"What is the past tense of William Shakespeare","Wouldiwas Shookspeared" +"My wife swiped our debit card on my butt crack","She said transaction denied, insufficient buns" +"Why is peter pan always flying","Because he neverlands I love this joke because it never grows old" +"Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France","There was nothing left but de Brie" +"I wanted to learn how to juggle. But","I don’t have the balls" +"I'm terrified of. Elevators","I'll be taking steps to avoid them" +"Writing is like pooping. Sometimes it doesn't come out even if you sit for hours waiting Other times, it gushes out in a literary dysentery, although dilute in substance It stinks and you don't want anyone to see it","And always remember, it's okay to wash your hands clean of it" +"What's orange and sounds like a parrot","A carrot" +"I slept like a baby last night","Woke up every two hours and shit myself" +"Why are teddy bears never hungry","Because they’re already stuffed" +"Would you want a box","Whenever the server would ask my dad for a box for left over food, he would reply with No but I'll wrestle you for it" +"Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus","Because they are too shellfish" +"There are 19 youtubers going to make a video together","Guess you could say its a covid" +"Sometimes. I touch my knees to my chest and lean forward,. That’s just how","I roll." +"Someone threw a bottle of coke at my head today But I'm not hurt, don't worry","It was a soft drink" +"What side of the chicken has the most feathers","The outside" +"Fiance got me good yesterday after work So I am building a stone retaining wall at my house after work yesterday. Been at it for about an hour and a half before my fiance gets home from her job. She stops on the porch, looks at me, and just says, 'You Rockstar. ' I couldn't help but smile","PS, I then had to tell her about this subreddit" +"I have always wanted to take selfies for a living","I can picture myself doing it" +"Bought some new shoes from my drug dealer","I have no idea what they were laced with but I have been trippin all day" +"I fell into a large vat of curry","Was in a korma for a month" +"I think there's something wrong with the constipation website I signed up to","I can't log out" +"What did the cucumber say to the banana","You might not find this appealing but I'm in a pickle" +"What did the poet say to his girlfriend","Haiku-tee" +"Climbing Trees My boyfriend and I were cuddling last night and he had his arms and legs wrapped around me. Me: Hey my little koala, you climbing me like a eucalyptus tree","Bf: Eucalyptus trees don't climb things Me: Oh my god" +"(books fall onto. Sean. Connery's head)","Sean: I only have myshelf to blame." +"Man with camera and merciless stream of dadjokes (video) Link: https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=c0DybnAqW44" +"Why would you take a car door with you to the desert","Because if you get hot you can roll the window down" +"On what side does a cat have hair","On the outside" +"I ordered 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup","It weighed won ton" +"My doctor told me I had three bad knees","My left knee, my right knee, and my kidney" +"Why should you stand in a corner if your cold","A corner is 90 degrees" +"How come you can’t starve in the desert","Because of all the sand which is there" +"Youre a unit of power, 'Arry","I'm a watt" +"What do you call a boxer that retires and plays video games","Xboxer" +"What do you call a chicken that is afraid of the dark","Chicken (Credit to my future father in law for this gem)" +"Ask me how my hemorrhoids are","They're swell" +"My kid wanted to draw over my clock","I told her, not on my watch" +"They say when confronted by a bear, the best thing to do is play dead, so when I came face to face with one in the woods the other day, I accidentally played dad instead","Now it can ride a bike without training wheels" +"I gave away all my dead batteries recently","free of charge, of course" +"My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in the wardrobe","I said its Narnia business" +"I bought something for less than 3 dollars. and counted out 3 bills, 1, 2, 3, HA HA HA, just like the Count. The cashier smirked a little and said, Have a nice day. To which I replied, Count on it","Smirk -> Full smile" +"Why would the Russian's car not start","Because it kept stalin" +"Got my son this morning; he walked right into it. Son: Dad, what's the capitol of Wyoming. Me: W","Son: Daaaaaaaaaad" +"I think I did my best ever dad joke last night. My three year old daughter commented that our cat, Missy, is older than her at seven years old. My wife stated that Missy will be eight this Christmas","I said only if we can't afford a turkey" +"When me and my little sister were younger and bugging my Dad for fast food","Dad, I feel like a chinese Well you don't look like one" +"Despite all my efforts, I still can’t find a porn director willing to hire me","Maybe I’m not looking hard enough" +"Why did the pencil get flushed down the toilet","It was a #2" +"My SO sprained her ankle last night. After a few hours waiting in the emergency room we were sent to the radiology for an X-Ray. I told her to break a leg. ^(I just had to share this. For what it was worth, I made her smile, like an upset I don't want to laugh at this moment, but I can't help it kind of smile, and that's what counts","Luckily there were no fractured bones" +"At the zoo I noticed a slice of toast in one of the enclosures. I asked the keeper, 'How did that toast get into the cage","' 'It was bread in captivity' she replied" +"I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday","I wasn't putting in enough shifts" +"My wife said if I cleaned the house the reward would be sex","My goodness, I wonder who with" +"See the headline about the insane inmate that escaped and attempted rape","Nut bolts and screws" +"I wanted to make a joke about being a psychopath. But","I lost it" +"Doctor: We got the results back, there's staph in your nose","Me: I don't remember hiring anyone" +"Daughter walked in wearing a dress. I say That's a nice skirt. She says It's not a skirt dad, it's a dress","I reply Ah, well thanks for a-dressing that for me" +"First thing this morning there was a tap on my door","Odd sense of humour my plumber has." +"If you suck at playing the trumpet","Perhaps that's why" +"At a concert I didn’t want to go to, I turned to my wife and said, “I hope there is a lot of Ado. ” Her: Huh. MC: Ladies and Gentlemen, without further ado","Me: Shit" +"tiforp a","I just turned a profit" +"Did you know that any boat can be worn as a hat. It'll fit if you just flip it over","Then it's capsized" +"What’s the most romantic chord","A7 Because it slides right into the Dm’s" +"I would make a chemistry joke. But the good ones","Argon" +"Went this morning to pick up 6 cans of. Sprite. But","I accidentally picked 7up" +"Did you hear about the bamboo truck accident","It’s pandamonium there" +"What’s the most popular workout song in Southeast Asia","“Eye of the Thai girl”" +"NBC is coming up with a docudrama about the life of Abraham Lincoln","The finale will be shot before a live audience" +"I am terrified of elevators","I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them" +"What do you call a soviet sniper","A marxman" +"How do you become good at monkey bars","Hang on" +"Litter box garden Just watched a neighborhood cat poop in my garden beside a jalapeño plant","Now I'm going to grow shitty peppers" +"By the way I was sitting at lunch with a friend and my dad. The waiter had just finished going over the specials and taking our drink orders and was about to walk away when he says, Oh, my names Kevin by the way . Something clicks in my fathers head and a grin spreads across his face. He turns to the waiter, and says, I like your last name . Awkward pause as no one understands whats going on. Still grinning, he says, By the way. Kevin By the Way . I groaned","The waiter made a confused exit" +"Dogs can't operate","MRI machines but catscan" +"I asked my friend what an acorn was","He told me it was basically a small oak tree, in a nutshell." +"I was in line for the cash register at the grocery store with my dad and I notice these big 200 pack containers of Tic Tacs, so I point them out to my dad and say look, that is intense","And my dad says back, That's not intense, that's on a shelf" +"Did you hear how the named Canada. Someone was pulling letters out of a hat. C, eh. N, eh","D, eh" +"With great reflexes","Comes great responsibility" +"What do you call a cow that has seizures","Beef jerky" +"So, I found out that my son not only took my car without asking first, but then crashed it into a tractor pulling a tanker of manure","Needless to say, he's in deep shit" +"Got my girlfriend with a good one today We were in line at a store, and she got some change back. She dropped it, and I picked it up and kept it and we walked away. A bit later I said I guess I am keeping your change. And then I said . unless you want your nickleback","Didn't get a groan but I can tell she didn't think it was funny" +"Did you hear about the guy suing the airline for losing his luggage","Unfortunately he lost his case" +"What is Mozart doing right now","Decomposing" +"A dad walks into his son's room While the son is playing with himself. The dad say's son if you keep touching yourself like that you're gonna go blind","The son replies dad i'm over here" +"Dad joked my boss. He was complaining about a train blocking our exit. Boss: It is just going back and forth, I don't know why they do this everyday. Me: Maybe someone is in training. B: That is taking it too far. M: They don't seem to be going far at all","He just walked away" +"You can measure light and sound, but how do you measure smell","*scentimeters*" +"SpongeBob should not be the main character","Patrick is the star of the show" +"I had a power tool dropped on my head the other day","One minute I was fine, then BOSCH" +"My dad retired recently and I called him. Me: Hey dad, just wanted to ask. Dad: Can you speak up please. Me: Hey, I just wanted to a. Dad: Speak up, I can't hear you. Me: I JUST WANTED TO ASK IF. Dad: Haha just kidding, this is my answering machine","Please leave a message" +"My Mother: This hat pattern looks easier than the other one. Me: It’s sew easy. My Husband: It’s not very sewphisticated. Do my puns have you in stitches. I’m laughing so hard I’m bobbin my head back and forth","My Dad: Are you starting to see a pattern here" +"I told my dad about how hurricanes with female names cause more destruction","Well, now I know why they don't call them himmicanes" +"My friend asked me if. Princess. Bride jokes are still a thing","I said, “they’re mostly dead”" +"Friend wanted to build an igloo. She was trying to decide where to build it. She said hmmm, where would be a good place to build one","I said outside She didn't appreciate it nearly as much as I did" +"Courtesy of my 7 year old. What's a cat's favourite colour","Purrrr-ple" +"Got my friend with a Microsoft joke in class Text conversation between me and my friend in my computer science class while we are doing an excel spreadsheet. My friend: Hey I really messed up this spreadsheet can you send it to me when you're finished. Me: Yeah sure if I ever finish it haha. My friend: Word thanks Me: No this is Excel","I could hear her groan from across the room" +"Got my best friend to groan at this one My apologies for the language https://imgur","com/a/8VijE" +"The creator of the knock knock joke","should get a Nobel prize" +"I must admit - I was wrong about how good my chiropractor is","I stand corrected" +"Set the timer for five to six minutes My daughter tells me after putting in the cupcakes we're making. I entered 5:26 Daughter is looking at me weird, I say get it. Daughter groans","Mission accomplished" +"Twenty-one is standing in a line. Twenty-one is standing in a line, he's astonished that the person in front of him is the same guy behind him. He askes what their names are. The person behind him says, My name is Twenty","The person in front of him says, I'm Twenty two" +"Commentator Situation: we're playing cards and Tyler starts doing a play by play of what's happening so my sister says, what are you a commentator. Then my dad goes, not like a unique vegetable","( common tater)" +"You know when the people are getting it on in movies and the murderer comes to do his job","You could say he killed the mood" +"What do you call 4 Spaniards in quicksand. Quattro Cinco","Drops mic" +"I almost dated a psychic","but she dumped me before we met" +"Mother in law didn't even know she made a dadjoke. My son was talking to my father in law when they yell we are getting hit by mokitos. (Mosquitos) I yelled back mojitos. Where. My wife tells we got mojitos up in here And my mother in law, not joking, says","I hear they can carry limes disease" +"What's the best thing about having a pet dolphin","You always have a porpoise in life" +"Why did the broom win the dance off","He swept away the competition" +"The burger was leading the fast food race","Until the hotdog mustard up the energy to ketchup, and emerged the clear wiener" +"People in. Afghanistan aren't allowed to watch. TV","Because of the telly ban." +"What do you call an underwater nuclear reactor","Nuclear Fish on" +"Confirmed my professor is a dad **Context: We were discussing the Malaysian airline situation and it's coverage on major news networks","** He says > They're covering this story so much, you could say its becoming a *plain* story Whole class groaned" +"A dad accidentally ran into a bush","and did a face-plant" +"Where do. Sith. Lords shop. At the. Darth","Maul...." +"What the worst thing about a nosy pepper","It likes to get jalapeño business" +"I built myself a speech-activated car","I also have a regular car, but that goes without saying" +"Peter Brown the world famous hairdresser told his son, that he's leaving him nothing in his will","I can't believe he's cutting off his own heir" +"Got my wife while putting away dinner","After having enchiladas for dinner tonight, I told her that we have too much sauce, next time she should make enchilittle sauce instead" +"I just had Lasik corrective surgery. During the consultation on Saturday, my nervous wife accompanied me to learn more about the procedure. She got me pretty good when she said it was an eye-opening experience. Rest assured I didn't leave her the last word. After the procedure yesterday, I exited the operating room to find her waiting in a crowded lobby. She looked up at me, and I got her back with Well aren't you a sight for sore eyes","" +"Why did the banker quit his job","He lost interest" +"My kid got tattoos of a heart, club, diamond and spade—all without my permission","I might have to deal with him later" +"Dad can you tell me what a Solar eclipse is","No son" +"I can’t figure out the actual reason I got married","I guess it just has a nice ring to it" +"How do you fix hard water issues","Let it melt" +"I promised my wife I'd love her 24/7 Today is 24/7. Pointed this out to her and she groaned like never before","(She's British)" +"How do Flat Earthers travel the world","On a plane" +"[NSFWish] Did you hear about the new eyelid replacement surgery for burn victims. They use foreskin to replace them","Only side-effect is coming out a little cockeyed" +"As a child, I was obsessed with the difference between sines and cosines","As an adult, I realized it was just a phase" +"My son’s text: “What is my car’s license plate. ” My response: “A rectangular metal instrument affixed to the rear of your car, paid for by you, but issued by the State as a means of taxation, identification, and regulatory control","”" +"My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall","But it was his dumb asphalt" +"What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast","A synonym roll" +"Have you heard about the house made of glass","Clearly not" +"Taking dad out to dinner and he dropped one on the waiter (of course he did). He ordered a burger. Server: How would you like that cooked. Dad: On the grill, preferably. Dad had to clarify that he was just joking because the server was dumbfounded","Server said he didn't laugh because if my dad was serious and he *did* laugh, he'd be in trouble" +"What do you call troubled water. H2-uh-O This was got a gigantic room of groans and eye-rolling at a department meeting today when my boss said it","Tried a search for it here and did not see it so wanted to spread the eye rolls" +"Eating rare birds","would fill me with egret" +"What is Russia's codename for Donald Trump","Agent Orange" +"Why do bananas get all the ladies","Because they have appeal" +"My wife and I were putting up a curtain rod, and I had previously removed the cap at the end of the rod. After we finished installing the hooks, and hung the curtains I asked her to hand the cap to me. Honey, can you hand me the pole end. She was unsure of what I meant, and asked, What pole end. Pole end is a country in eastern Europe, but I need you to hand me the cap the to the curtain rod","Groaning ensues" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When the punchline becomes apparent" +"Why did the banana go to the doctor","He wasn’t PEELING well" +"What happens when basketball players get old","They start Spalding" +"A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3. He says uno, dos. poof","He disappeared without a trace" +"I started going to the gym in my tuxedo, everything went well except the weight lifting","Is not my strong suit" +"LPT: If you have trouble remembering your password, find a picture of some running shoes and stare at it","maybe it'll help jog your memory" +"The crossword was asking for an 8 letter 1995. Alicia. Silverstone movie. I was","Clueless" +"When. I first learned what a bomb was,. I was amazed","It blew my mind" +"So my pregnant aunt began to have contractions. My dad: Can't she hold it in","It's Independence Day not Labor Day" +"Making lunch with my dad when he dropped this gem. Dad:. I'm in a pickle. Me:. Dad:. And","I'm not sure how to dill with it" +"Why did the machines in The Matrix use humans instead of horses or cows. Moo-pheus and Neigh-O","(Original joke, but afterwards did a search and found Moo-pheus had already been referenced" +"Was walking the dog this morning. I figured out that our heeler is part alien, because he leaves crap circles instead of crop circles","(he gets so excited on walks that he doesn't squat still , instead going in a circle)" +"Met someone from Eygpt I asked what most people's occupations were in the capital of Egypt","When he looked confused I said I would guess that most of them are chiropractors" +"My team at work pitched in and got our boss a gift card to her favorite store","Coworker signed it and wrote “don’t spend it all in one place!”" +"There's a woman infront of me at the airport and the security wants to take her bottle of frozen water","She says it's not a liquid" +"What did one boob say to the other boob","If we hang any lower, people will think we are nuts" +"What do you call a cow that just gave birth","Decaffeinated" +"Dadjoked my sister on the ride home She said, I hate that house; it's so creepy with no lights on. My friend is seeing a guy that lives there","I said, Well, how's she going to see him with no lights on" +"My friend has been a limo driver for 25 years and hasn’t had a single customer…","All that time and nothing to chauffeur it…" +"Got my wife today. Mail order brides are awesome, am","I right?" +"Told my girlfriend about lunch Me: My food went down the wrong hole. I guess you could say my lunch was breathtaking","Her: -_-" +"Cop Dad Joke I pull over man for speeding and ask him where he is coming from. Man: A podiatrist appointment in [Town]","Me: Maybe next appointment you can have him look at your lead foot" +"So son, what did you learn at school today. Me: Errr. Dad: Ah, err, wasn't until I was nearly finished with school till I learnt all there was to err","This was a daily occurrence between my dad and me" +"Me and my Dad were at Carrabba's Stepmom: I'm going to get the Fettuccini Weesie. Dad: Is that because you have asthma","I died" +"What does a one eyed pumpkin wear","A pumpkin patch" +"I finally found a book that I was totally glued to","It was a book of collages" +"What's the best way to cheer on an electrician","You con-du-it" +"If pronouncing your b's like v's makes you sound Russian","Then *Soviet" +"Dad got everyone with this at dinner We're all eating dinner and my grandmother is over. Gma: Cbreezy's brother, you look like you got really sunburned recently. Bro: Yeah, I got it playing football, dad got it pretty bad too. Dad: No, you got son-burn. I got dad-burn. Que my overzealous laugh. Edit: Format","Phones aren't great for posting" +"What do you call a Nun in a wheel chair","Virgin Mobile" +"Baby gender reveal at my family reunion My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people. One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally. Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet. ” My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle. ” Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is","Then after a moment I shout, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L" +"My dad dropped this ones back in 2010 after those Chilean miners were rescued. Us watching the news cast telling us they were rescued. Dad: “Wow that’s crazy. And even after that long ordeal they still can’t have any alcohol to celebrate. ” Me: (Wondering if it had to do medically with the length of time they were underground or the extreme depth. ) “Really. Why","” Dad: “Because they are still miners”" +"Where do ghost like to ski. Lake","Erie 👻👻👻" +"Dad-joked my Dad: I was talking to my dad about my brothers new wage, when out of nowhere: Dad: £50 a day, 3 days a week he's being paid. Me: So he's currently earning just under £8000 a year. Dad: Yes, but that's gross. Me: I'd say its pretty great actually","16 years has built up to this" +"Scientist: I just boiled water Me: Solid. Scientist: No. Me: I meant that’s cool","Scientist: Also no" +"My boss set me up with a perfect dad joke. He told us his little son (1 year old) had a great big poo in his toybox and there's shit all over the abacus. Bet you didn't count on that","said I, proudly" +"Got the coworkers good the other day. So I work construction and it was me and 2 other guys working a few days ago. Working in an unfinished home when my coworker drops a tape measure in a small floor vent. Me being the smallest guy in the crew he asked me to see if I could reach it because he can't fit his arm in to grab it. So I was able to get it but it scrapped up my arm pretty good. Coworker says dang, that looks like it hurt, we could've gotten it another way. You didn't need to do that. I reply with It's okay, desperate times call for desperate measures","Much grunting ensued" +"My dad has a small garden in the backyard. He left this note for my mom this morning. http://i. imgur. com/yLCirNEh","jpg" +"Why are pirates called pirates","They just arrrr" +"My friend. William worked making paths and trails. Where there’s a","Will there’s a way" +"Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees","Because they're so good at it" +"What plant sneaks up on you","An AmBush" +"I was at my parent's house for father's day","My 8-month-old nephew was crawling on the floor and someone make a joke about him being in the military, so my dad replies Is he in the infantry" +"My coworker asked for my pen. I make fries at Wendy's and I always keep a pen in my pocket, well coworker A needs a pen, so coworker B asks if anyone has one. I say sure, you can use mine. Coworker B says why do you have a pen. Why would you even need one over there. I reply with Well how else am I supposed to make my signature fries","Both of them groaned" +"My dad was driving his car and he put it in reverse","he said This takes me back" +"The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation","It doesn’t make any cents" +"Dad joke at Sonic Ordered two frozen drinks at Sonic, go to swipe my card and the card-reader is out of order. Girlfriend asks if I have any cash, so I open the ash compartment in my car and pull out a 5 dollar bill. I didn't even know you kept money in there","Well you aren't supposed to know about it, just like any good *slush* fund" +"My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication","It’s for Hispanic attacks" +"Did you hear about the insomniac who was just put in jail","He was charged with resisting a rest" +"When I was in school my father told me I'd better not bring home any wet grades","That is nothing under C level" +"Why are gay people bad at lying","They can never make a straight face" +"My dad pointed to a building and asked me the color of the wall. I said tan/beige. He said","Then why does the sign say Walgreens" +"I’m a proud dad. My daughter just told me this joke. In Hawaii, do people laugh loud","Or is it a low ha (Aloha)" +"Why aren't koalas considered bears","The don't have the koalafications" +"My Little Pony gone wrong My sister posted about loving my little ponies, and we got on the topic of rainbow horse poop jokes. My dad just pops in with this: Dad - I can't think of one right now","I do, however, have a poem that is somewhat related: (first assume standard high-class poetry recitation position; head high, chest out, hands clasped behind back, heels together, toes @ 180 degrees, knees slightly bent): In days of old, when knights were bold, and toilets weren't invented; they left their load beside the road, and went away contented" +"My daughter said i could never make a car out of spaghetti","You should've seen the look on her face when i drove pasta" +"Wife asked “car making a weird noise”","I said “must be the loose nut behind the wheel”" +"Birds don't need haircuts We were taking our 4 year old to get a haircut. While looking out his window he saw a hawk flying and my wife asked our son Wife: Do you think he's going for a hair cut too. Son: birds don't need to get haircuts. Me: well bald eagles don't","Eye rolling ensued" +"I ate a clock yesterday","It was time consuming" +"A","Roman walks into a bar, holds up 2 fingers, and says Five beers, please." +"Dadjoked my golfer friend yesterday She said she got a new golf club, a wedge. I replied Wedge ya get that","She was not amused" +"Me: I'm not very hungry, I just want something easy Server: . Maybe the chicken strips for $6","Me: maybe it does, but that doesn't help with my hunger" +"What does a Volkswagen run on","Beetlejuice" +"What do you get when you mix a Jewish family with fruit","Apple Jews (Please don’t take this offensively I’m a dumb 12 year old)" +"My dad had me going. Dad and I are watching a show about the Iceman. We start talking about mummification and King Tut. I mention to him about the recent damage to the sarcophagus' beard. He says, Well that Sphinx. Well done dad","Well done" +"How do you remove a set of stairs","You take it step by step" +"I'm so over this subreddit","I'm so ------ this subreddit" +"A man is grocery shopping And he walks up to the counter and places 1 eggplant and 1 burger on the counter. The woman serving him says I bet you live alone. The man replies I do how could you tell","The woman replies Because you’re an ugly bastard" +"I have a legitimate phobia of elevators","I'm taking steps to avoid them" +"To the guy who stole my anti depressants","I hope you're happy now." +"Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me","It means a lot" +"Once. I farted in a. Microsoft store. Luckily, they had","Windows" +"Did you hear about the safe driver","He was driving wrecklessly" +"Mary had baby Jesus. Jesus was the Lamb of God. Therefore, Mary had a little lamb","QED" +"What state is it illegal to walk your deer without a leash and collar on","Collar-a-doe" +"What do you call a panda who has been tricked with food","Bamboo-zled" +"My Favorite Joke of All Time When in the car going to school he would say Do you want a Hurt's Donut before you get dropped off. Me being 9 I would always agree happily because who doesn't like donuts, right. A huge grin appears on his face and then he would proceed to punch me in the arm saying Hurts *don't* it","Note: he never hit me hard and it was always in good fun" +"What is the resemblance between a green apple and a red apple","They’re both red except for the green one" +"Husband and wife conversing about a skinny girl Wife: She’s so beautiful look how skinny she is Husband: she’s so skinny she can hang glide with a Dorito Wife: WOW","That was original Husband: No honey, it was actually Cool Ranch" +"My grandma just sent a chain email full of these. I'll just copy and paste them. Lexophile is a word used to describe those that have a love for the use of words, such as you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish , or to write with a broken pencil is pointless. A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end. Here goes. . When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate. . A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. . When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U. . The batteries were given out free of charge. . A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. . A will is a dead giveaway. . With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. . A boiled egg is hard to beat. . When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. . Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. . Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off. He's all right now. . A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired. . When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. . The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered. . He had a photographic memory which was never developed. . When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye. . Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it. And the cream of the twisted crop:","Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end" +"He delivers again https://imgur","com/gallery/EsloP" +"If your child refuses nap time are they","**RESISTING ARREST" +"Where do adolescent gangsters go","The childhood" +"Why did the chicken get run over crossing the road","He got tired" +"How do you fall down stairs","Step 1 Step 2 Step 4 Step 15" +"Dad: Did you here about the kidnapping at school. Son: No, what happened","Dad: The teacher woke him up" +"The Ultimate dad Joke Duel https://youtu","be/MepBeEpEQcM" +"What do you call a group of bees going to war","A Swarmy" +"What do you call a person who never farts in public","A private tutor" +"Why did the cloud date the fog","Cause he was so down to Earth" +"Which country has a lot of angry people","Ireland" +"What's a rappers favorite Christmas present","Yo-Yo's" +"Did you hear about the farmer who won the award","They said he was out standing in his field" +"3 UNWRITTEN RULES OF LIFE 1 . 2","3" +"I went shopping for cherries and microphones the other day","Bought a bing, bought a boom" +"How do you feel","With your hands" +"My dad got up early today. My dad says I've only been up since 5:30. My mom says I got up at 5:30, too. Dad says See that","I got up up earlier than your mother did" +"See y'all later, I gotta take a trip to China Dad. You're going to China. Yup. Gotta go to Poo-ping","**closes bathroom door**" +"Son: The car manual says that I should not turn up the stereo volume to the maximum. Dad: That’s","sound advice" +"What is the difference between a cat and a comma","One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause" +"I bought a puppy from a blacksmith earlier","Right away when we got home he made a bolt for the door." +"- Hey could you call me a taxi","- you are a taxi" +"Daughter: Hey dad. What do they mean by primadonna. Dad: ohhh honey","Thats Madonna before she was madonna" +"Did you hear about the magic tractor","It went down the road and turned into a field" +"Dad asked for the bill at dinner today","He said, excuse me, sir, could you bring the William" +"Have you heard about the mythical milk","It was legend dairy" +"After a failed career as a police officer I became a sculptor","So I could finally make a bust" +"My wife told me that she thinks that men in camouflage look sexy","I just can’t see it" +"The barman looked over at me and said, Your glass is empty. Fancy another one. Why on Earth would I want two empty glasses","I asked" +"You guys hear about that grain farmer","He could barley wheat for his crops to come in" +"When. Joe. Biden announced that he was running for. President","I felt so touched" +"First time dad-joked a friend of mine. So, last weekend I was on a two days village fair in our neighbourhood with the guys. On saturday, one of them complained about his feet still aching from wearing his new engineer boots the whole friday night AND how he even broke his boot jack at home while taking them off. Took the advantage and said: Well, you seem to have some trouble with those shoes. Maybe we should send you to a boot camp","*Groan*" +"I always knock on the refrigerator door before I open it","There could be a salad dressing" +"Alligators can grow up to 15 feet","But most have 4" +"I had a dream last night that. I was a muffler","I woke up exhausted" +"What's Trump's favourite flavour of ice cream. Mmm peach mint","A double scoop" +"Dad joked my dad about woodworking. My mom was having trouble cutting some wood. She said it was hard to keep it stable. My dad, Grab a couple of horses (like sawhorses), and I immediately replied, Wouldn't that make it more unstable. It took him a minute","Then he told me I had to leave" +"I'm the mom. This is my only joke. Why does Snoop dog carry an umbrella. For drizzle","😂🤣😂🤣😂" +"They told me. I wouldn't be any good at poetry because. I was dyslexic. But so far","I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely" +"I really like the expression Son of a biscuit","It just rolls off the tongue." +"What do you call the AI that wins the lottery","Jackbot" +"Dad math joked a girl I'm taking too Girl: Well a cute guy like you thinking I'm cute makes me feel cute. Me: So you could say it's an acute triangle","she hasn't messaged me back" +"It was Mother's Day, long ago. We were having cake to celebrate Mother's Day with my Mom. My Dad decides to ask us: Mom's pretty great. You know what she'd be called if she were president. No","BABEraham Lincoln" +"What is Hillary Clinton's least favorite country to think about after the election","Iran" +"To get a girl, some guys use pick up lines","Others rely on the attraction of their car So I figure a pick up truck should cover both bases" +"Why can't you play poker in the jungle","Too many cheetahs" +"I've been having such a hard time with connections lately","Even my relationship with whiskey is on the rocks" +"What did the feline enthusiast say when his beloved pet brought three porpoises into the house","Whale, whale, whale; look what the cat dragged in" +"I met a dog recently that could only understand commands in Spanish","It was ‘espanyol’" +"What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other","A trifle deaf" +"How do you find your dog if it's lost in the woods","Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark" +"My doctor said. I shouldn't listen to music so loud","It was sound advice" +"With my family at a Chinese restaurant. My father in-law gets a fortune cookie that is dad joke worthy by itself: Good bakers always make plenty of dough. My sister in-laws husband, who is a new father himself fires back, thats because they knead it","I congratulated him on fully realizing his new dad joke abilities, then promptly posted this here as any good Redditor should" +"I keep accidentally sending my friends the same memes over and over again. I think","I have short term meme-ory loss" +"Got my blood type today Told my wife I'm A-. I'm so rare, now I have a responsibility to give blood. Unbelievable. Wife - stop being so negative. It's in my blood","*Groans*" +"For everyone who has to work today. It's a","Sadderday." +"I dad joked my mom yesterday. Me and my girlfriend went out to eat and spotted my mom and one of her friends whom I hadn't seen since I was a kid so we walked over to say hi. Mom's friend: Boy I haven't seen you in forever. You look just like your daddy. Mom: Yeah he's got his dad's good looking genes. Me: (as I get this confused look on my face and look down) No mom these are mine, I bought these","Girlfriend: -_-" +"More driving with the fiancée. Is that an abandoned adhesive factory. Looks like they didn't stick around long","Unlike most of my jokes, she laughed pretty hard and I was more than a little proud of myself" +"What do you call a hen staring at lettuce","A chicken sees a salad" +"Why is North Korea so good at geometry","Because they have a supreme ruler" +"Grandpa dadjoked my brother Grandpa: Hey J, want to go for a walk","J: Sure Grandpa Grandpa: Well walk over there and get me some coffee" +"When plants die","was there a root cause" +"You’re locked in a cement room and just have a stick. How do you get out. Break the stick in half","two halves make a hole" +"What do you call a pile of kittens","A meowtain This is my and my daughters favorite joke" +"What do you call a dwarf about town","A metronome" +"My girlfriend was trying to reach something high in a cupboard. I asked if she had the choice between a step-stool or something taller","would she chose the latter" +"My son (3. 5 years old) got me today He likes drinking yogurts. Normally he drinks them from the bottle, but this time he asked me for a straw. Why do you want a straw. Because it is a strawberry yogurt. (he emphasized STRAW in strawberry and grinned)","Probably his first dad joke ever" +"What's the most fun a sea creature can have","A whale of a time" +"I've stopped tipping the waitress at a restaurant","She kept falling onto the people sitting next to us" +"I'd say 6:30 is the best time on a clock","Hands down" +"I told my dad. I was going to visit my friend who farms marijuana now","He said it's good to have friends in high places" +"Did you hear about the midget whose wallet got stolen","I didn't know anyone could stoop so low" +"My dad had to get a tick bite checked out. So a tick bit his butt and he wanted to make sure he wasn't going to get lyme disease, so he went to a doctor. The doctor had to see the bite location so my dad had to lower his pants","But when he did, the doctor couldn't find the bite so my dad was just standing there em-bare-assed" +"Why do ghosts love elevators","Because they lift their spirits" +"If prisoners could take their own mug shots","would they be called cellfies" +"Why don’t ants get sick","Because they have little ant-i-bodies" +"My wife always gets mad when. I mess with her red wine…. So. I added some","Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever…" +"I always try to use jokes to defeat my enemies","But no matter what jokes I use, they always have the last laugh" +"What's brown and sounds like a bell","Dung" +"So I asked the guy making my quesadilla if he could put some extra steak on it for me","He said he thought he could beef it up a little" +"Thanks to conservation efforts, 9/14. Humpback populations are no longer endangered","I guess you could say they're doing pretty whale" +"How many South Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb","1 Brazilian" +"Why couldn't the pirate ever have children","[NSFW] Because he only liked booty, yarrr" +"Slow claps ensued. Background: I have some experience behind a camera and have been looking for a job filming. My friend was telling me about a possible opportunity. Friend: Ya know, they are opening up an adult movie studio soon, there may be some job openings","Dad: It doesn't pay much, but it's all you can eat" +"momjokes A recently cooked pizza left my oven with an ever blackening pile of cheese at the bottom. I want to clean it off and my mom always speaks wonders of some spray on product, so I text her for help: What's the name of that oven cleaner you like. Joe","Joe's my dad" +"I take today literally , I spend it with my kid","Son day" +"What is E. short for","is short because he has little legs" +"How do you think the unthinkable","With an ithberg" +"Shout out to the guy who came up with the word plethora","It means alot" +"In my most recent doctor appointment, he hit my knee to test for reflexes like usual. I guess he had forgotten that I recently got knee surgery and had a fake kneecap","Oh, the irony" +"So I work at a coffee shop in Manhattan I'm the baker in the back so every now and then I go bother the barista. Me: Hey can you make a drink for me. Her: Sure what did you want. Me: Two shots of espresso and some steamed milk. Her: A latte","Me: No just a little" +"Today, my. Son asked me for his inheritance","I told him “Over my dead body”" +"A peasant's wife told him to go get milk for the baby. Dutifully, he went to the market with the baby and brought home a hefty jug of milk. You've forgotten the baby. she exclaimed. No I haven't","I got milk for the baby" +"Found this over on /r/whitepeopletwitter https://i. redd. it/vejpqpkbus101","jpg" +"I rolled a joint for the first time in my life","The doctor says it’ll be a few weeks until I can use my ankle again" +"Why did the marine join a pottery class","Because his Sargeant said he should learn about the claymore" +"What do prisoners write","Slam poetry" +"Why can’t T-Rexes clap their hands","Cause they’re extinct" +"Today I saw a ton of land for sale without a house","It was a lot" +"So we were talking about aquariums. My gf and I were discussing having a dedicated small tank just for shrimp Me : but where could we put it. Her : how about by my side of the bed. Me : what, so you'd have it all to yourself","Her : yeah Me : that's very shellfish" +"What do you call a baby turkey","A goblet" +"I just dad joked my fiancee We're currently planning our wedding (by this, I mean she and her mother are). She sent me a text earlier this morning saying picking flowers for the wedding is hard :-( I responded Don't pick them yet, our wedding isn't for another three months, there's no way they'll stay fresh that long","Anyways, I think the flowers are pink or something" +"One of my dad's favourites growing up I see said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw","This one always got collective groans" +"My first job was at a. Calendar factory","Turns out they fire you for taking days off" +"Half bad","Her: You're the only one who thinks you're funny Me: Hey 50% of the people in this conversation isn't half bad" +"Did you hear that the science teacher got fired","He was dropping acid on the job" +"The umbrella was originally going to be called the brella","but the guy who named it hesitated" +"Where does Russia hide their asylum seekers","in a snow den" +"My dad and I used to dad joke each other a lot when I was a kid. I was so proud of my own dad joke, I still remember this 20 years later. My family was at a food court with lots of options so we all wanted to get different things. My dad opened his wallet and said to me, Do you think you can eat on $5. To which I replied, I'd prefer a plate, but I guess I could give it a try","Given that I'd learned to dad joke from my dad, he smirked at me with what I knew to be pride" +"I got my wife this morning. My wife was making her lunch and asked me to hand her the vegetable peeler. I said why, honey. You're already so apeelin. She groaned","It was awesome" +"Did you hear about the racist double-amputee who can't drink milk","He lacks toes and tolerance" +"I failed my drug test today. Looks like","I’m not cut out to be a pharmacist" +"I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus","That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver" +"Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea","All I got was 6 years for armed robbery" +"Dad i'm away to buy a suit","Make sure you get one that suits you" +"Whenever. I'm feeling depressed,. I go up an elevator","I find it uplifting." +"Where did the dog go to get over his Milkbone addiction","To the treat-ment center" +"I tried using an old math book as bait when fishing. Turns out that math wasn’t the best topic for","De bait" +"Son, you're just not cut out to be a mime","Was it something I said" +"I'm soo good at sleeping","I can do it with my eyes closed" +"What's a decent Asian stereotype","I like Sony and Yamaha" +"Ever tried eating a clock. It's very **time consuming**","*Shamelessly taken from a Game Theory video*" +"A man is at the doctor's office. The doctor comes in and says Well sir, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to stop masturbating . The man says Really, why","The doctor says Because I have to examine you" +"Anyone want to buy a dead bird","It's not going cheep" +"Teacher made a dad joke In history class, talking about economic impact and prices of goods. Student: I hear they're thinking about raising milk prices to around 7 dollars or something. Teacher: That would be utterly disgusting","Only a slow clap from a couple kids while he wore a beaming smile, proud of his daily dad joke" +"What kind of shoes do ninjas wear","Sneakers" +"Pink. Panthers. TO. DO list 1). TODO 2). TODO 3). TODO. TODO. TODO. TODO","TODOOO" +"What rhymes with orange","no it doesn't" +"An astronaut stepped in gum on the moon","He's stuck in orbit." +"I named my horse mayo","And sometimes, mayo neighs" +"What did one butt cheek say to the other","Together, we can stop this shit" +"My dad while watching the tennis Me: Wow, Novak is really dominating Roger here. Dad: Yes, if he wins it'll truly be a Federer in his cap","Me:" +"He claims it was unintentional. but I laughed Was working in the medical field today, helping a coworker put in 30ish individually wrapped syringes into a bag. They weren't put in the best orientation and required slight bit of pressure to close fully. I told him to be careful even though there are caps on the syringes","He responds: I see your point" +"What do you call a cancer doctor who has to work after hours","An on-call-ogist" +"My friend Jay just had twin daughters and wants to name them after him","So I suggested Kay and Elle" +"What happens to Batman when he gets injured","He becomes Bruise Wayne" +"If you are ever at risk of hypothermia, DO NOT count anything in small quantities","or else you'll get a little number" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at that school the other day","They say he got detention for it" +"Why do chicken coops only have two doors","Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans" +"My wife asked me to stop singing. Wonderwall by. Oasis","I said maybe." +"Police were called to a day care to investigate a 3yo who was refusing to take a nap","They charged him with resisting a rest" +"I once saw a cow that could produce no milk","It was udderly useless" +"What do you call a thief that's a little chilly","A rob-burrrr" +"I am absolutely terrified of mountain lions. I","Puma pants" +"There are two types of people in this world","Those that can extrapolate answers from incomplete information..." +"What’s brown and sticky","A stick" +"A man wanted to jump off a building. A scientist who was there yelled at him:","Don't, you have so much potential!" +"I was reading a book the other day and a man started adding dirt to a farmers land","That’s the point in the book where the plot thickened" +"I’m okay if you measure things in kilograms or in pounds","Either weigh is fine" +"To the person who stole my glasses. I will find you,","I have contacts" +"Noses are red. Fingers are blue. I'm sick of winter. How about you","" +"What’s the difference between a penis and a bonus","Your partner will have no complaints about blowing your bonus" +"I love the way the. Earth rotates","It really makes my day" +"What do you call 100 rabbits in a straight line that take a step back at the same time","Receding hare line" +"My daughter said she needs a book by Shakespeare for a class assignment. Which one. I asked","William" +"Clearly my SO is preparing for fatherhood Me: (cuddling) I'm not sure why I'm rubbing my ear on your nose Him: I guess you want to h-ear what I nose. He also says Hi Hungry, I'm (SO) every time I say I'm hungry","Grr" +"What's a caterpillar most afraid of","A dogerpillar" +"What happens when you spill tequila at the pudding factory","The proof is in the pudding" +"Why do bees hum","They don't know the words" +"I hear prisoners in jail get drunk a lot","They hang around bars 24/7." +"To celebrate our wedding, my wife and I opened a few bottles from my late grandfather’s whiskey collection","That way, he could be there in spirit" +"You know what they say about 24-hour laundromats. they never clothes","Unfortunately, this is the tagline of my local laundromat" +"What did the rockstar say when he told his son to finish the yardwork","Rake on through to the other side" +"My friend loves to run uphill","He always feels inclined to do so" +"My dad is helping me move into my new place. I mention putting up nicer Venetian blinds. You know how to make a Venetian blind","Poke him in the eyes" +"What’s hitlers least favorite marshal art","Jew-jitsu" +"Heavy Metal Toyota. Dad: Hey, These cars these days are all plastic and can't take a single hit, they should make a toyota out of heavy metal. Me:Wut. Dad: Yeah, they could make a heavy metal toyota and call it","Judas Prius" +"Told me. Dad. I posted his dadjoke but it didn't get any upvotes","He was nonplussed." +"Buying vodka at a store. I was picking up some absolut vodka at Walmart last night when a cashier got me with this one","Cashier: Be careful not to drop that, I heard it makes an absolut mess" +"Coffee dadjoke My buddy ordered a cup of coffee","When the waitress asked him how he takes his coffee, he said, Usually orally, but I'm open to suggestions" +"I asked my son what he wants me to get him for Christmas. He said, Google Glasses","I said, OK, and I already know what glasses are" +"I went for an interview. They said, Can you perform under pressure","I said, I'm not sure about that but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsody" +"What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo","One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" +"New Gloves So my dad got me some new gloves for work today. He asks how they fit, and I say they fit great. He replies: Do they fit like a glove","Dammit dad" +"My obese parrot died","It was a weight off my shoulder" +"Got my Economics teacher In my high school Econ we were talking about the 70s Teacher: In the seventies there was high unemployment accompanied by high inflation. Does anyone know what this period is called","Me: Economics Teacher: *sigh*" +"Grandma wanted to be cool like the grandkids","So she got her hip replaced" +"There once lived a knight who was the strongest around. Legend says he ran circles around any who challenged him","His name: Sir Cumference" +"I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality","They're all so pixielated" +"Okay this isn't a typical Dad Joke but it's a dad joke. So this just happened. My dad walked into my room, said So you think you can take on your old man, doing an exaggerated impression of a bad lip sync, threw a toy throwing star at me, and left","I have no further explanation" +"Sooo, I've posted here before. And I've never really received any accolades for my dad jokes. but this Father's Day, I got the big news from my wife that I will soon be joining the brotherhood. Today, I'm sitting with my coworkers at dinner before going back in to work. Craig- . and we'll need to get together with our associates to make sure everybody is on the same page. Me- You know why they call it a synch meeting, right. C- and why is that. M- Because afterward, everybody is drained","" +"Just like his father, Kim Jong Un takes a binocular wherever he goes","For proper gander purposes" +"What's that smoke. So my wife sees smoke down the road and asks what it could be","Well there is a gym over there, they're probably just burning fat" +"Condoms are not always safe","You can still be shot by her husband" +"Apparently Bilbo Baggins has died","I saw it in the hobbituary column" +"My friend threw a block of butter at me","How dairy" +"What did the tree say after a long winter","What a re-leaf" +"I just saw this guy at lunch break who responded to his own","Reddit post with haha genius dude haha genius dude" +"My uncle invested in a company that made the Enter-key for computer keyboards","He made a fortune in Returns" +"Try nuclear energy","it's better than the old foggy kind" +"Ok let’s get this straight, mountains aren’t funny","They’re hill-areas" +"What's the only place John Cena won't go in a hospital","ICU" +"What concert costs 45 cents","50 Cent featuring Nickelback" +"Boy, with all these statues getting torn down","I guess you could say these protests are changing the landscape" +"Why do abcdefghijklmopqrstuvwxy & z hate hanging out with the letter n","Because n always has to be the center of attention" +"Did you hear about the LASIK patient that ended up getting an unexpected two for one discount on their surgery","It was an eye deal situation" +"What do you call a prostitute from Italy","A pastatute" +"I went to Legoland last week","People were lined up for blocks" +"Which dinosaur was widely regarded as the best fortune teller","The tarotdactyl" +"A Roman walks into a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says","5 beers please" +"My girlfriend and I were discussing dressing as Hall and Oats for next Halloween Her: who would be Hall and who would be Oats. Me: I better be Oats because you're gluten intolerant","She actually laughed" +"I don't trust stairs","They're always up to something" +"Brain Sucker My dad puts his hand on people's heads and will move it up and down kind of like he's massaging your head. Then he'll say This is a brain sucker, what is it doing. Of course you'll say Sucking my brain. To which he replies No, it's STARVING","Took me 19 years to understand" +"I told my psychiatrist I felt like a dog","He told me to get off the couch" +"You’d know, dry erase boards are amazing","You might even say, they’re remarkable" +"I was gonna have my toast dry","But I had a butter idea" +"On his deathbed A father, on his deathbed, with his son weeping over him. Son: I'm so sad Father: hi sad . he leans forward and whispers I'm dead","The father keels over" +"The guy driving Elon Musk’s Roadster already got a ticket","Officer said he couldn’t park in this Space" +"What noise does the fact train make","*true**true**true*" +"Who is Mark","and why should I question him" +"I was walking down the street and suddenly ran into the guy who once sold me an antique globe","It’s a small world" +"Why are urologists selfish","Because they're all about number one" +"What do you need to do when you’re addicted to sea weed","Sea kelp" +"In Class. My teacher is talking about another teacher after we were late for class due to cleaning up. He says: Yeah, Mr Gunn is a good man. It's hard to find a man of a higher calibre than him","Groaning and awkward laughter ensues" +"Tired of looking at your smartphone","There is a nap for that" +"My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal","The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won" +"Wanna hear a joke about paper","Ah, nevermind, it's tearable anyways" +"Did I ever tell you about my last girlfriend, the redhead. No. Well, I blame myself mostly for the breakup","She was a brunette until the house burned down" +"I dropped a box of donuts in the parking lots and all the crows are eying them greedily","It's a tempted murder" +"At the zoo with wife and kids. Me: You know, they say porcupines are one of the smartest animals on Earth. Wife/kids: Oh yeah","Me: Yeah, science has proven that they're pretty sharp" +"Why is everything harder for deaf people","They never make sound decisions" +"How do chickens motivate their kids","They egg'em on" +"Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 at me","Luckily the injuries are only super fish oil" +"Dad got me with a bit of wisdom: No matter how much you try to push the envelope","it'll always be stationery" +"Did you know baseball was played back in ancient biblical times","That’s why the Bible starts with “In the big inning" +"So I said Me: So if Trump gets elected we will no longer be able to buy shredded cheese. Son: Wait. what. Me: Yeah","He wants to make America grate again" +"My friend's mom joke on Facebook After finishing his chores, A***** asked if he could finally play Destiny on his XBOX. It was followed by yelling from his bedroom. Me: What's wrong. Him: The server is down. Me: I guess it just wasn't your *Destiny* to play the game this morning","And then I let out a loud mom-laugh and he rolled his eyes and everything in my world was right again" +"I've been very upset lately, had to move to St Louis","and ever since then I've been living my life in Missouri" +"What's E. short for","Because his legs are so small" +"Why did the melons have to get married in the church","They cantaloupe" +"My 3 year old just told me he was thirsty. Shook his hand and said, 'Nice to meet you,. I'm","Friday'" +"Me- Did you know milk makes you break out","Dad- Is that why they don't serve it in prison" +"I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport","I'm just doing it for kicks" +"What's red and bad for your teeth","A brick" +"Daughter: Hey Dad, What's a cool name","Dad: Icy McChillin'" +"Why’d the cookie go to the hospital","He was feeling crummy" +"Where does Justin Timberlake go when he needs a vacation","Crimea River" +"Dad Joke Survivors Thought this was appropriate here https://youtu","be/p6_dJDPgac0" +"My wife has been telling me to put a stop to my animal impressions for a while now. Today, she furiously told to me stop a flamingo impression I had been practicing for a while now","I realized that was it, and I had to put my foot down" +"My wife walked into our bedroom while I was napping and yelled It's time to leave, get up. I said Sssshh. These are my sleeping quarters and pointed to some change I had on the bedside table","She was stunned, then she groaned and walked out" +"My girl coworker is ready to be a dad. Coworker comes in the break room looking for my other coworker. I told her, They're out getting coffee. They're addicts","She replies, Well at least they're not basements" +"my wife looked up a recipe for an. Israeli salad to take to her mom’s. I told her i heard that salad","Israeli good" +"Yesterday,. I met a nutty. Italian. His name was","Pistachio" +"My daughter asked me to put her shoes on","I said I don't think they'll fit me" +"What are the strongest days of the week","Saturday & Sunday The rest are weekdays" +"Thank You Olds, Alberta. My girlfriend showed me a photo of [severe weather](https://www. facebook. com/x929calgary/photos/pb. 367157486218. -2207520000. 1438924793. /10153222525006219/. type=3&theater) in a town north of us and asked have you seen the photo from Olds yet. Saw it yesterday","That's old news" +"Most of my jokes are about bacon. I came up with this just last night, and I am positive that the only person I know who would laugh is my dad: I used to be totally addicted to bacon. I mean, I would eat three packs a day, breakfast, lunch and dinner","Now I'm cured" +"My friend is trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business","He makes some really good points" +"If a miniature ship has a 3ft mast","Could you call that a yard sail" +"Did you hear about the magical tractor","It drove down the road and turned into a field" +"I'm soo tired","Call me a car" +"“Doctor, Doctor, I broke my leg in three places","” Doctor: “Then stop going to those places" +"Beavers are hilarious stand up comedians","They tell you best dam jokes you've ever heard" +"Do you have a hole in your shoes. No","Then how do you put your feet in them" +"How did the dog stop the music","Paws" +"What’s brown and sticky","A Stick" +"Unprepared dough","It's not kneaded" +"There were a group of elderly people say with their phones. They repeatedly tapped their screens","**Read more**" +"My dad laid this one on me after I told him about how my Halloween costume (Link from Legend of Zelda) was received. Me: So at my co-worker's party, I met a woman who suddenly called out Link. at me when she saw me and pulled me over to her side of the room to take a picture of my costume. She said that her friend, who wasn't at the party, had dressed up as Link, too. She was somewhat drunk and rather excited about it. I saw a picture of her friend on her phone. She had put a bit more commitment into the costume since she had a sword and shield. Dad: So. did you connect with her friend after the party. Me: Uh. no. Dad: . on **Link**edIn","Me: \*facepalm*" +"Daddy. Peter and I are engaged. Fantastic","To who" +"What do Lawyers wear","Law Suits" +"My wife told me to go to the shops to get jasmine tea","I said, I don't know anyone called Jasmine" +"How long do we need to cook a half of a ham. , Mom asked. Uncle instantly replies Half as long as it'd take to cook a full one","Mom groans, I'm cracking up" +"The best way to let someone fall for you","Is by tripping them." +"I just found out someone has been adding soil to my garden","The plot thickens" +"My dad When I was young, playing in the yard we were doing somersaults. I expertly managed a reverse somersault and asked my dad what that was called","He said it was called a winterpepper" +"Statisticians love large sample sizes","As they say, the n’s justify the means" +"And the Son Makes the Dad proud. I made home-made oatmeal for breakfast, and Grandma (my mother-in-law) wanted hers with just butter and sugar. She said I grew up with butter and sugar. My responds with OK, but what did you eat","My Son just made me so proud" +"Heard a guy swimming yelling “HELP, SHARK, HELP","” And i just kept laughing because i knew that shark wasn’t going to help" +"My daughter can't decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer. I told her just to flip a coin","HEADS OR TALES" +"What happened to the frog’s car","It got toad" +"P boiled water","You will be mist" +"Somebody stole my catheter out of me while. I was sleeping. When. I woke up,","I was pissed" +"I was on a first date at a restaurant. After our mains, the waitress came over to our table. She said, 'Are you guys done","' I said, 'Only if she doesn't pay the bill" +"I don't always tell dad jokes","but when I do, he laughs" +"Why does math go against God","Because it is full of sin" +"A horse walks into a bar with a maths problem that says 'If a shape has a width twice the size of its length, which is the greatest in size","' The barman says 'y, the long face'" +"I went to the bakery and asked for some short bread","They said they didn't make it any longer" +"I was walking to class in the cold with my friend. and he says Wow, this wind is terrible","And I respond, Yeah it really blows" +"I asked my Dad to look at a house with my wife and I. About to leave to look at a home when my mom calls my dad: Dad: Yeah, I am going out with Fuzzo999 to look at a house. Mom: Get out of town. No way. Dad: Actually the house is located in town","Dad and I laughed, wife groaned" +"I was going to tell you a vaccine joke","But some of you wouldn't get it..." +"Heard this from a friend. Friend told their Dad that Archimedes' principal was now on one of the GCSE courses","They replied: What has it displaced" +"Please do not throw cigarette butts in the urinals","It makes them soggy and hard to light" +"I just finished a book on WD-40","It’s non friction" +"Today my wife is saltier than usual","Maybe it's because we just got back from the beach" +"My girlfriend just beat an ant to death with her flip flop","It was a summery execution" +"Dad comes in from shoveling snow after the blizzard. Hey, Shiznaztm. I gotta go to work later. I'm already working out there. It looks like I'm working Snowvertime today","Oof" +"I slept like a log last night when. I woke up,","I was in the fireplace." +"My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose","I had to pull it out of him" +"We all know where the. Big. Apple is but does anyone know where the","Minneapolis?" +"I find white boards interesting","They're quite remarkable." +"Why was the energizer bunny put in jail","He was charged with battery" +"So we were driving past a garage sale sign. And the older guy. I'm with says,","I wonder how much the garage is worth?" +"So my dad blew up the bathroom","Then proceeded to walk out and say NO WORRIES, I've sprayed the bathroom with orange scented febreze, now it smells like shitrus" +"How do you call the smartest mountain. The Cleverest","(My daughter came up with this one, I'm so proud" +"What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet","SUPPLIES" +"Why did the blind man fall into the well","He couldn't see that well" +"What do you get when you punch a polar bear in the nose","Eaten" +"My 4 year old got me last night Must have heard it at March break camp as he kept repeating it all night. Him: Daddy, why is Peter Pan always flying. Me: I don't know, why","Him: Because he never lands I actually groaned and then smiled and laughed hard cuz I was so proud 😊" +"Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library","Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia" +"My Son: By Dad I am off to work. Me: American Buffalo Son: What. Me: You know, American Buffalo Son: You mean Bison","Me: Exactly" +"What do you call a hen who counts her eggs","A Mathemachicken" +"What's your favorite mexican food when you're a little sick","A quesydilla" +"Why do golfers wear two pairs of underwear","Because they can get a hole in one" +"All my porn is in a compressed folder","Sigh *unzips*" +"What kind of vegetable is always ready to party","Turn-ups" +"How do you make holy water","You boil the hell out of it" +"My wife got me with this one last night. We were at the table eating dinner when I glanced at the advertisements for grocery stores. I read the ad wrong and said: Me: I read that wrong, its gala or pink lady apples, not Lady Gaga apples. Wife: I dont know about Lady Gaga apples, but I know about Lady Gaga tomatoes. Me: What","Wife: Ro-ma, ro-ma-ma" +"My daughter covered her blueberries with her yogurt this morning","I told her that she would be looking for *berried* treasure" +"My tooth just came out","Turns out its gay" +"I spent all day yesterday trying to convince people on a WW2 subreddit that I was French","Finally I gave up" +"Stepdad got me yesterday. I'm sitting on the couch, when he comes up behind me and asks Wanna play a little cards. I turn around to see him holding a miniature deck of cards","We both lost it" +"To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket","You can hide but you can't run." +"There is a new autopsy club in town and last night it was packed","It was open mike night" +"How does Moses make coffee","Hebrews it" +"Me: Can I take the day off Thursday","Boss: Yeah sure Me:Thurs" +"I've been back home for 2 days and already got dadjoked I was frying and egg this morning and I accidentally broke the yolk. My dad sees this and goes looks like the Yolks on you","Oh how Ive missed him" +"What time do you go to the dentist","Tooth-hurt-y" +"Why is diarrhea hereditary","It runs in the genes" +"What do all minecraft trees have","Square roots" +"A pirate went to see the doctor about the moles on his back… I wouldn't worry about it, said the doctor, They're benign","Count 'em again doc, said the pirate, You'll find there be ten" +"If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight","There would be mass confusion" +"How do mathematicians scold their children","If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times" +"I can see ketchup pretty well","I guess Heinz-sight is 20/20" +"what do you call a person who awaits. A waiter. P","my wife said it is bad one, is she right again" +"So I found this talking train and asked it why it just went back and forth on the same tracks for its whole life. It responded saying “the voices in my head tell me to”","It was a loco motive" +"You hear loads of jokes about white sugar, but brown sugar","Demerara" +"Hi my name is Jack, and this is my son","Jackson" +"Trying to get my 'A' game together for when my newborn gets older. My dad reminded me today that I'm learning from the best. Dad: what is the lunchmeat that tastes like hot dogs. Me: bologna. Dad: this isn't bologna, son, but a serious question","" +"Scientists just partially revived some pigs","When they do the same to cows it will really be raising the steaks" +"Where's the best place to keep a dog that's too loud","The *roof*" +"Wanna hear a joke","Me too" +"What are Mexican proteins made of","Amigo acids" +"What was the name of Albert Einstein's evil brother","Frank Einstein" +"My wife changed a lot since becoming a vegan","It's like I've never seen herbivore" +"After dinner my wife asked if I could clear the table","I needed a run up, but I made it" +"What's the difference between a bad joke and a dad joke","Baby steps" +"Me and my SO went too Lapland, she said something reminds her of back home (the UK)","I replied it must be the rain dear" +"FIL jokes While driving around Florida looking for go cart racing","Me: Hey there's a dollar tree FIL: Any money blooming" +"What kind of mint do you give to someone you just met","An Icebreaker" +"Someone in my office asked her boss if anyone else usually sits on the same desk Her boss replied yeah, we got a bit of a hotdesk arrangement I chimed in and said Well if it's a hotdesk, you could always turn the fan on","She was not impressed" +"My friend grew the largest pickle in the world and won an award for it","Big dill" +"My last relationship, which was with a cross eyed girl ended","Because she kept seeing someone else on the side" +"My dad spanked a statue","And that was the moment his puns hit rock bottom." +"What do you call a girl who sells herself for spaghetti","A pastatute" +"What did Tennessee","The same thing Arkansas" +"What song is played at K9 class graduations","Pup and Furcumstance" +"Was helping my dad and brother move a keyboard. They took one end each of the keyboard and my dad asked me to bring the stand. I asked why he asked my younger brother to lift the keyboard and not me","My dad said: There comes a time in every man's life where he needs to take a stand" +"Every sixty seconds in Africa","a minute passes" +"What's a general's favorite dish","Flank steak" +"What do you call a Greek typo","An Oopsilon" +"What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to a dinner party","The cold shoulder" +"My wife said. I should do lunges to stay in shape","That would be a big step forward" +"When I noticed “HI” in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend","Then I saw the next two letters" +"What do you call wasps that collect honey","A wannabee" +"What’s red and stands on the bottom step","A naughty strawberry" +"I've had to pee for 17 years","Tonight, I'm gonna potty like it's 1999" +"To kill a. French. Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart","Sounds easy but the process is painstaking." +"Which knight never won a battle","Sir Render" +"What do you call a chicken staring at a head of lettuce","A chicken sees-a-salad" +"You could say the pound is","taking a pounding" +"Where do crayons go for vacation. Colorado","(My 8 year old just made it up)" +"My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick","Especially since his name is Steve" +"I've just seen a bloke running down the road with a cape on. I shouted, Are you a superhero. He said, No","I haven't paid for my haircut" +"What's a cat's favorite button on the remote control","Paws" +"My kids bought me a crowbar for my birthday I love it","It’s my prise possession" +"Did you hear about the kid who's father was kidnapped in Iraq","They bagged dad in Baghdad" +"I wasn't very well and my friend asked me how i felt","I said with my hands" +"What is the least spoken language in the world","Sign language" +"I figured this Dadjoke my dad said the other day belongs here. Dad: what did the cannibal say after eating the clown. Me: I don't know Dad: this tastes funny","No words for this one" +"How does the Devil take calls","On his hell phone" +"I think it’s weird that we call childbirth delivery","It should have been called takeout instead" +"Next time I go on a date, I'm gonna bring moss instead of flowers","So she knows I've taken a lichen to her" +"Got the death glare followed by a laugh from the gf. Girlfriend told me her ear was ringing","I told her to answer it" +"Why did the snail paint the letter ‘S’ on his new Ferrari","So everyone would see him driving and say “Look at that escargot" +"What's blue and doesn't fit","A drowned epileptic" +"I was worried about how. I'd score in the Don't. Leave. Your. Couch. For. A. Month competition. But","I got atrophy" +"The Norwegian navy has started putting bar codes on their ships","So they can scan da navy in" +"How does the Easter Bunny stay fit","Egg ercise" +"Me: Hey [friends name] What do you call a dictionary on drugs. My friend: If you say an addictionary, I’m gonna punch you in the face","Me: I was gonna say high definition, but yours even better" +"I entered a blindfolded masturbation competition. I don't know where","I came" +"After our separation my wife still misses me","But her aim is getting better." +"When my son asks about my work. Son: Who was that dad. Me: It was the Pentagon son. Son: The Pentagon. Well what is it","Me: It's a shape with five sides" +"My son said he's famous on. Instagram Hello famous on. Instagram,","I'm dad" +"What's the worst thing about having a french bulldog as a pet","They oui oui, everywhere they go" +"An apple a day keeps the doctor away","A few raw cloves of garlic a day should take care of everyone else" +"My son asked me what. I'm posting on. Reddit","I tell him that they r/dadjokes" +"I was with my friends, and I asked if he was enjoying his sundae. He said yes","Which was weird, because I swore it was a Saturday" +"When someone asks my dad how many kids he has","He answers Four, all girls except for three of them" +"A belt made of watches","Sounds like a waist of time" +"The recent post about the Quackopotamous reminded me. When I was a wee lad, about 5 or 6 , my dad and I went to the beach on a vacation. I, having never seen the ocean, learned many new things, like how tides work, and how there's seemingly billions of white flying rats that the world calls Seagulls. Fast forward a few weeks to us being back home in Kansas City, MO where no beaches or seagulls are to be found. My dad and I were running errands and found ourselves at the local Target, where in the parking lot I spotted dozens of white birds that looked eerily similar to the Seagulls I had learned about weeks before. Dad, what're those. I inquired Oh, son those are called Parkinglotgulls. Yeah they're close cousins of the seagull","And that's how I came to call those white birds that flock around parking lots worldwide Parkinglotgulls even to this day" +"Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts","Posted this in r/ShowerThoughts but it got taken down, despite the fact that it's 100% truth" +"Why is it so hard to recognise a pilot","They always travel in disguise" +"Remember when plastic surgery jokes were taboo","Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow" +"Alex Trebeck with a classic. Roommate posted this on facebook and I couldnt not share. http://cdn. iwastesomuchtime. com/7820140223148","jpg" +"I like to read news articles about grapes","I like to buff up on currant events." +"A nail walks into a bar","It got hammered" +"In laughter, the 'L' comes first","The rest of the letters comes 'aughter' it" +"My little cousin saw Star Wars Episode 3 for the first time. (General Grievous dies) **Little cousin**: Aww. I liked him. (Clearly a bit upset) **Me**: Are you having a bit of general grievance right now","(Facepalms from parents, confused stare from little cousin)" +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon","The food was pretty good, but there's no atmosphere" +"I'd make a joke about quick sand but","It would take a while to sink in" +"There was a suspicious ‘accident’ at a construction site. The police investigated all the workers at the job site . It looked like foul play. The mason wasn’t a suspect. He had a concrete alibi. The night of the accident he said he was with his girlfriend. She confirmed this. There was a wall of evidence. Consequently his alibi was rock solid and not just a facade. There was damning evidence that it was the plumber. They figured his alibi, that he was at the casino, wouldn’t hold water. But cameras showed fluid betting all night. This, obviously, threw a wrench in the investigation. The investigators followed a lead to the electrician. He had a shocking secret. It seems the electrician had been charged with battery only months earlier. But it was a dead end. They looked at the HVAC installer, but his alibi was airtight. Next, they tried to nail the Roofer, as he had been spouting off about the victim the day of the accident. But the roofer had been hammered all day. There was no way they could paint him as the cunning mastermind. Then they saw the writing on the wall: the painter had both motive and opportunity. He was seen canvassing the accident site a few strokes before midnight when the accident occurred. The victim fell off a faulty ladder that was covered in finger paint. It seems the victim and the painter had a few brush-ins before. And it wasn’t a pretty picture","The painter was indicted, but despite all the evidence, the charges didn’t stick and the jury let him roll off clean" +"If my son, Lucas, was a dinosaur. He would be a Lucasore-ass. He's got some diaper rash going on","My husband just gave me this one" +"I ordered a coffee today that tasted terrible. I told the waiter, This coffee tastes like mud","They replied: Thank you sir, it's fresh ground" +"I kept clicking the unlock button on my key fob, but my Kia wouldn’t unlock","Guess it’s not my Forte" +"I'm reading a novel about steel workers","It's riveting" +"Midget Dad Joke My brother and I were Facetiming with my dad tonight. Dad: so what are you guys up to","Brother: just watching midget porn Dad: well, we all have our shortcomings" +"What kind of music do astronauts listen to","Neptunes" +"What do they call you if you win the lottery in Rio de Janeiro","A brazilionair" +"It's impressive how much. I eat","It leaves my flatmate completely breadless." +"Why are mummys scared of vacation","They're afraid to unwind" +"I opened the fridge door and saw a white container. It was dressing","So I closed the door out of embarassment" +"My pastor invited us over to watch The Walking Dead","a documentary on the lives of Lazarus and Jesus" +"Why did Edward get stuck in Russia","He was Snowden" +"My favourite movie to watch on my phone when I’m on the toilet is “The Shining","” It scares the sh*t out of me" +"What type of jokes do they tell at a gouda comedy club","Never been, but probably something cheesy" +"How do you fix a broken pumpkin","With a pumpkin patch" +"Watching a Documentary about Korea. Narrator: This is the Seoul National University in Korea. Me: Wow, they only have one","Girlfriend gave me a disgusted look, so I'd say I was successful" +"I'm never going to let my children listen to big band music","too much violins and sax" +"There's these 3 fish in a tank","One fish asks the other two, hey, how do you drive this thing" +"I just got a new job of drying plates with a hair dryer","It’s dish-gusting" +"Dad joked a girl I've been talking to. Her: Nah I'm going home early to get ready for AD Her: *AC (Atlantic City for those unaware) Me: I was going to say","AD started like 2014 years ago" +"What do you call a fat psychic","A Four-chin teller" +"Sally's mom changed her gender and she can't see her now","Her mom became trans-parent" +"Just got my roommate with this one. I walked into my roommate's room to show him a picture of (I'm assuming new) these new hexagon solo cups that are obviously made for [beer pong](http://rack. mshcdn. com/media/ZgkyMDE2LzAxLzIyLzJiL2hleGN1cC5jYmFhNC5qcGc/be10241f/9f8/hexcup. jpg). Roommate: I want to see some statistics about how many people use these for drinking","Me: Everybody, they're cups" +"My friend's doctor told him that his depression is coming from the state he's been in recently","He's been in Missouri" +"The student is now the master. I had to talk to my daughter when she got home from school. [This is what I got. ](http://imgur","com/xRQbaIF)" +"My dad on my friend getting into a car accident: My friend recently got into a car accident with one of the local universities deans' wife. After informing my dad he immediately replies, He banged the dean's wife","Needless to say my dad's girlfriend and I looked at each other while my dad looked on hoping for a reaction" +"The bartender says Sorry, we don't serve particles that move faster than light","A tachyon walks into a bar" +"How do you break a neon sign","Put your knee on it" +"Text exchange with my father For context, my parents are hosting a party next weekend. Me: At Walmart for next week. Dad: A whole week at Walmart","Terrible" +"I wanted to tell a joke about German sausage","but they're the wurst" +"Why does the paper never win at poker","Because it always folds" +"What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church","Let us spray" +"I saw my dentist at the mall the other day","It was coincidental" +"What kind of trucks do Padawan (young Jedi) play with","Toy-Yoda" +"You heard the rumour about the company that makes shirts","They folded" +"My wife told me she's pregnant","Of course I replied with hi pregnant, I'm Dad First official dad joke" +"Can February march","No, but April may" +"What do you call it when you go to Target and leave without buying anything","Target practice" +"I made the world's largest pizza base the other day","I'd like to see someone top that" +"What do you get when you mix the ocean with the sky","Sea stars" +"Did you hear about the guy whose entire left side got cut off","He’s all right now" +"My date dad-joked me. We were talking about going fishing. She had never been, and I love it. She said she doesn't eat fish. Me: I don't eat fish either. I don't wanna kill them, just make them late for something (RIP, Mitch)","Her: What, like late for school" +"My dad just said this to my younger sister. Sis: Ahhh what should I be for Halloween. Family. Any ideas. What should I go as. Dad: Honey, haven't I told you already to always be yourself. This was followed by groans and facepalms at the dinner table, though my mom thoroughly enjoyed the joke","Wp dad, wp" +"We were driving by a parking lot full of cars. Dad points and says","That's a lot" +"Where do you learn to make ice cream","Sunday school" +"Daughter's first dad joke My 3 yo daughter got my wife tonight. Wife (to my son): you like like you're getting bigger, are you growing. Daughter: He's not growing, he's Corbin","Wife: *groans* So proud" +"I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. Then","I changed my mind." +"What kind of shoes do ninjas wear","Sneakers" +"You know what would be really cool in Star Wars","Hoth" +"While buying a laptop [At Best Buy] Me: So I don't know anything about computers, do you have any insight for me. Employee: Well, computer x is great, but computer y is just as good, and this week y is on sale and really would be the best value for your money. Me: so. you're saying that it would be the best buy","Employee: Yeah, but don't say that" +"I didn’t do my homework because. I was watching. Breaking. Bad. You might say","I was pro-Cranston-ating." +"Today. I saw a sign which made me piss myself. It said 'TOILETS","CLOSED'" +"Dad is it foggy outside","Not sure sweety, can’t really see much outside" +"Why did 1/5th get a massage","Because it was 2/10ths" +"Albert Einstein was a genius and worthy of praise and study","His brother Frank was an absolute monster" +"What do you call a fly without wings","A walk" +"Dadjoked hard by one of my students today. Second grade teacher here. As part of my morning routine, I pick students to share good things with the class before we start our day. I selected a boy who proceeded to tell the class that he stubbed his toe this morning, which was met with giggles. Being in a good mood, I simply smiled and said Perhaps you should replace your toe with a rubber one so you stop banging it on furniture. Without missing a beat, my class clown jumped up and yelled Yeah. And he can change his name to Roberto. Laughs and eyerolls were aplenty","Have a happy Tuesday, everyone" +"My wife and. I recently divorced due to my terrible handwriting. Since then","I've become a very illegible bachelor" +"My wife and I were discusding my sons ear infection Wife: I used to have a lot of earaches as a kid Me: Really. Thats weird. Wife: Why. Me: Ever since we started dating Ive had a lot of earaches too","She pushed me away and rolled over" +"Hey Dad, Happy Birthday. Are you a senior yet. I haven't seen anything. I cracked up haha","He hates his birthday and hasn't told me how old he really is for years" +"Dad dropped this on me while watching Transformers Dad: Did you know there is actually a planet that we know of that is solely inhabited robots. Me: What are you talking about","Dad: Mars Me:" +"Can a dadjoke be [NSFW]. I'm not sure if being NSFW immediately disqualifies a dad joke, cause I would never hear my dad actually say something like this, and my son will never hear it from me, but here goes. I pulled this one on my wife the other night during some *intimate* time. I guess there was a specific noise being made by some of our, ahem, physical interactions. The noise was kinda funny and made her exclaim, I'm quacking","To which I replied, It's because I'm ducking you so hard" +"I’m not like most teenagers","I’m 47" +"What do you call a criminal fruit","A Water-felon" +"What did the thief say when he stole the woman's purse","Nothing purse-onal" +"Here's a pictures that says it all https://imgur","com/z4rBlMK" +"Why do electricians strip","To make ends meet" +"All the boats in Denmark and Sweden are required by law to have a barcode on the side","It's so they can scan-da-navy-in" +"Do trees poop","Of course, where else wood we get #2 pencils" +"Heading to the airport this afternoon. Boyfriend: Which terminal are we going to. Me: We're flying out of A Terminal","Boyfriend: Yes, but which one" +"Who's the coolest guy at the hospital","The ultrasound guy" +"Called a business to get a quote. The Guy that answered is definitely a dad. P- Hello, Peter speaking D- Hi Peter, this is Daniel speaking","P- We must be related" +"Daughter: how long are the fish fingers/sticks in the oven going to be","Dad: about 4 inches" +"Why don't Zen Buddhists vacuum in the corners of the monastery","Because they have no attachments" +"I got Dad joked by a stripper last night My roommates took me out for my birthday last night and one of the strippers was showing me her tattoos when she asked if I wanted to she mistake one. I said sure and she proceeded to show me a tattoo of a steak with eyes and a mouth wearing make-up. It was a Ms","Steak I lost it" +"What's Peter pan's favorite restaurant","Wendy's" +"My wife asked if. I felt like vietnamese for dinner","Pho sure" +"Did you hear the news about corduroy pillows","They're making headlines" +"What kind of car does Mickey Mouse drive","A Minnie-van" +"My Mom says: Chris Hadfield is talking at my seminar coming up. Dad says. What","That's out of this world" +"I was driving and saw a Schmitt bread truck with a blown tire on the side of the road","I was alone in the car, but still said I bet he's having a *schmitty* day and giggled like a dumbass all the way home" +"What do you call a bike that turns into a bed","A sleep cycle" +"I shouted into the canyon in hopes of hearing my echo","It was a resounding success" +"What's the difference between a lentile and a chick pea","I've never had a lentile on my chest before" +"Gloves are so romantic,","They are always holding your hands" +"I don't think that one will fly. I told my dad I couldn't do my homework since my parents didn't pay the gravity bill","He said I don't think that one is gunna fly" +"What do you call a dinosaur that knows the latest dance move","A flossoraptor" +"My wife is due with our first baby any time now and she made a poll to have the family guess when she would go into labor. Hilarity ensued. [ Labor Day](https://imgur","com/gallery/f8aLB)" +"If there was a film about a car towing a boat,","Would there be a trailer?" +"While I was at the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill","People started giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead" +"Two cellphones walk into a bar. the bar tender asks for their IDs. One tries calling the other but gets no singal, the bartender asks what they are trying to do","they say they have caller IDs The bartender then laughs and say that that wont work in his bar since its a one Bar town" +"Dad got got by granddad Christmas breakfast. Dad upon entering the dining room: oh. where am I going to sit. Granddad: Well hopefully on your *butt*. --ho ho ho. And with a wry grin surveys the room","" +"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom","Because they are extinct" +"My pet pig has laryngitis","I think it's disgruntled" +"Found a pokemon in my bathroom","I told my dad and he chuckled and responded Don't you mean a pookemon" +"How do you call a blind person","On a telephone" +"A man and his wife are having their first child After the birth, a nurse enters the hospital room with a warm blanket for their son","New Dad turns to the nurse and says, “excuse me, but, is that womb temperature" +"Neil Patrick Harris nailed this dad joke at the Oscars last night. Our next presenter is so charming, you could just eat her up. With her spoon","" +"i only type in lower-case because","I hate capitalism" +"Why did the waiter get fired for taking food back to the kitchen","Because he de-served it" +"My dad got me with this one earlier Dinner had just ended and I was writing out a list with a sharpie. My hand slipped and I got a line onto the countertop. I was using a washcloth to try and get it off when my Dad yelled STOP","Black lines matter" +"Dad, are those telescopes gay","No, they’re binoculars" +"I lost my drink in. Scotland. Where did my","Glasgow" +"I love my belt","its been with me through thick and thin" +"Got My Coworker Today Cute coworker, her and I are conversing and I am eating fruit out of a cup (alpha move). She mentioned how she was hungry. I told her I had fruit by the foot. Her eyes lit up and she asked me for one. I place my fruit cup on the floor next to my foot and say","fruit by the foot She groaned and left" +"Ultimate dad joke My kids were sitting around sharing dad jokes. I walked in and my youngest asked me, Dad, what's the ultimate dad joke","With a completely straight face I replied, Children" +"Classic. Dad. Stepmom:. Hey. Bill. Dad:. Straw","Diane" +"My dad is addicted to buying ladders","he's just using them to get high" +"What did the dad say after he repositioned the laundry detergents at the store","The tides have turned" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When it's fully grown" +"So they say Time Flies. But how can ya when they move so fast","My pops dropped this gem at Birthday Dinner tonight and I almost spit out my steak" +"What's. Thanos's favorite drink","Snapple" +"So were putting away christmas decorations. Im on a ladder putting away boxes and as my dad hands me a box, I ask them if it's heavy","He replies, No there lights" +"It was a stormy night as i took cover under a tree","I felt like I forgot something And then it struck me" +"That guy over there with the umbrella","He looks a little shady" +"Do you know what to call a deer with good eyes","Good idea" +"What kind of music do Mummies listen to","Wrap" +"Got my daughter this morning Daddy. I don't feel good . I grabbed her arm and said you're right you feel squishy","Her preteen eye roll confirmed dadjoke status" +"I there was tea that was made of salt","It would probably be salt-tea" +"I love eye jokes","The cornea the better" +"At a wedding party the dj yelled out All married people please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living","The bartender was almost crushed to death" +"Nature is so resourceful","It can make dew with just water" +"As a guy. I couldn’t bring myself to become a crossdresser","It was a drag" +"I won $6million in the lottery and have decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. I now have $5","999,999,75c left" +"Waiter: Hey boss, is my pay ready today","Boss: I'll go check" +"Got my friend at Scarborough Faire Her: (looking at wooden wands) Hey, I'm looking for an elder wand. Do they have an elder wand","Me: I dunno, how do you tell how old they are" +"How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm","look for fresh prince" +"My daughter (6) and I were watching a show where the phrase “gelatinous mass” came up. so I blurted out, “That’s what jellyfish call church","” *rimshot*" +"Hear they’ve made a new artificially intelligent Oreo","It's one smart cookie" +"Why can’t mediums prove that they can speak to the dead","It’s not an exact seance—it’s more of a pseudoseance" +"That's not a fart. <driving, everyone sniffing the air> Daughter: That's not my fault. I didn't fart. Mom: No, I think that's the road work over there","Dad: Yeah, that's asphalt and not your ass fault" +"Are there any new photos of the Moon","All of them are just black & white" +"Did you see the documentary about car tyres","It was a bit flat at the beggining, but it got wheely interesting" +"Battle of the dad jokes : Wife ended up making me cook dinner edition Happened 2 minutes ago. -Wife : When should we have dinner. -Me : When it's ready. -Wife : *groans* Well are you hungry right now. -Me : No I'm Marett, (Middle Name), (Last Name). -Wife : *Death gaze* -Me : *Cackling madly* -Wife : Fuck, it calls for milk, we don't have any. -Me : Well we better hope it picks up the phone this time. -Wife : I love you. but make your own damn dinner (Proceeds to go outside to smoke) -Me : Crying laughing while stirring pasta","*edited format" +"After. I brought home my last dog. I ended up in the emergency room. Apparently","I roverdosed myself" +"My old man used to think he was hilarious at the McDonald’s drive thru when the server asked, ‘Any condiments. ’ He always responded, ‘Compliments. You look very nice today","’ (Yes probably a repost)" +"I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday","It's pointless" +"I'm opening a steel mill that also sells the steel for a discount. It's called. He. Who. Smelt it","Dealt it" +"What did the mountain say to the funny highlands","You're hill areas" +"Did you hear the joke about the cat on the roof","Never mind, it's over your head" +"How did the tree feel in spring","Releaved" +"Baking on Easter Sunday Crust is risen","Hallelujah" +"The pest control guy was over today He laid this one on me > A Termite walks into a bar and asks, is the bar tender here","" +"I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps","But don't worry, I'm slowly getting over it" +"I had to quit my job as a fortune teller","I just couldn’t see a future there" +"A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips. Are you the friar. he asked. The brother replied No","I'm the chip monk" +"My son tried to spray me with the hose","But he mist" +"Why are ghosts such bad liars","Because you can see right through them" +"Did you hear about the paddle sale","It was quite the ordeal (oar deal)" +"My wife told me to clear the table","It took a running start but I did it" +"I’m just a fit dad with a terrible sense of humour","Some say I’m shredded while others say I’m cheesy" +"I. Always. Loved. My. Favorite. AUnt","She truly is golden" +"How many Irishmen do you need fix up an overgrown garden","Tree fellas" +"Why doesn’t Oedipus cuss","Because he kisses his mother with that mouth" +"I just need dad joke enthusiasts to know that the International Poultry Meat Congress is held in Turkey this year. [http://www. poultrymeatcongress. com](http://www. poultrymeatcongress","com)" +"Talking to the wife about her favorite Superhero. Wife: The Flash is my favorite superhero. Me: Why. Is it because he's hot. Wife: What. Me: Yeah, the 'Hot Flash'. Wife: *Thinking. * Oh my God. I get it now","*Rolls eyes*" +"I can't believe I'm being arrested for shoplifting","The cashier TOLD me to swipe the cardigan" +"2 short jokes and a long joke Joke, joke, joooooooooke","No-one ever laughs when I tell this joke but the reactions i get are great" +"The Tables Have Turned http://imgur","com/MPyuSo4" +"Don't fall in. Every time my daughter tells me she is going to the restroom we have the following exchange. I'm going to the restroom. Ok, don't fall in. Daddy. Well, today I guess I finally pushed her past her limit, because she added. I'm not going to fall in","Me: That's the spirit" +"I love telling. Dad jokes","Sometimes, he laughs" +"What do you call a lemon with no eyes A lemon. Lemons don't typically have eyes","Credit to my kid for this one" +"Someone in my class was talking about burning stuff. Them: Burning Stuff is cool Me: It's not cool, it's hot","They didn't get it" +"I got told if I made anymore cheese puns at work I would be fired","I say Gouda riddance" +"How many bones are in the human hand","A handful of them" +"Brother got dad joked. My brother walked downstairs and said Dad,how do you spell awesome. Without missing a beat my dad says D-A-D","Everybody in the house let out a groan" +"Dad, can you put the cat out","I didn't know it was on fire" +"I like that smokestack in the background. It's really adding to the atmosphere. (-my girlfriend, taking a picture at a garden tonight","I read her the top of r/dadjokes every day; I think it's finally producing subconscious results" +"What do you call a girl with sausages on her head","Barbie" +"My dad said this just now while driving. We're at a red light and the truck in front of us is pulling a trailer with two horses in it. We are just looking at the back of the horses. My Dad: What an horses ass that guy is My Dad: Looks at me My Dad: Winks","I'm 26" +"This sub is dangerous. I was reading the top posts at a table in front of a fire when a elderly lady asked to sit at the table to be near the fire. I said of course, we had some small talk. Then she made the weird comment. Lady: The fire is so warm it feels like my pants might catch fire. Me: You'll be fine, as long as you don't lie","I normally would never make such a joke but I caught the dad joke bug from this subreddit" +"You know what really makes my day","the rotation of the earth" +"What did the pirate say on after reaching his 8 decade mark","Ayem'atey" +"I want to be like Leonardo Decaprio from Inception","He had a dream job" +"What did the mountain climber name his son","Cliff" +"We've been having a lot of flies in the house lately. I think my wife knows why now. My wife said For each one we kill, two emerge. I said Looks like we have a flydra problem on our hands","She walked off" +"I had a dream last night. I was a muffler","I woke up exhausted" +"Dad, what does that graveyard-exhibit showcase","Remains to be seen" +"I never wanted to believe that my son was stealing from his job at the construction site. But when","I got home, all the signs were there" +"Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old","Those are the years you’re in your prime" +"I don’t trust stairs,","They’re always up to something" +"A man is washing his car with his son","The son asks, Can't you just use a sponge? ." +"Did you hear about the theatrical performance of the dictionary","It’s a play on words" +"What was Hitler's favorite letter","I have no idea, but it was probably NOT Z" +"My wife said 'I need to go grab my cardigan'. I replied: 'what happened to getting it the first time. Edit: my highest rated comment is a dad joke. I'll do my best not to let it go to my head","(Unless i get a call, I'm posting this from my phone)" +"There is a company in. Michigan that makes tonic water for cats. Most people in","Michigan are shocked to find out they live in a cat a tonic state" +"Dad joke but. I'm a mother. What Job did Beethoven get after he died","He decomposed" +"How do you make a tissue dance. Put a little boogie in it. [don't try to lay no boogie woogie on the king of rock and roll ](https://youtu","be/Bj_lZ4hkJd8)" +"I like telling dad jokes","He always laughs." +"[meta] Does anyone else spend 15 minutes explaining things to their kids just to tell a 5 second joke. Or is it just me","My eldest is 8 but I still had to show him what a zippo was before I laid the hippo/zippo one on him" +"A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs","” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t I’ve cut off your arms" +"You would think that drilling a hole would be fun","but it's really just boring" +"What kind of bear has no teeth","A gummy bear" +"Got my mom with a classic dad joke today We were getting ready to cook some food for the family gathering we had today, and my mom pulls my dads camouflage apron out of a box. It had some writing on it but it was hard to read because of the color. She says to me, I can't even see this. In which I reply, WELL IT IS CAMOFLAGE","And that was the groan heard round the world" +"Got my wife twice on Google Hangouts (we just found out that little animations happen when you type certain words, both of us are typing yay to try to make it happen again) Her: Yay. Yay. YaY yaY Me: I feel like we're trying to summon Beetlejuice. Her: HAHAHA. I'm laughing at my desk now. Me: DID YOUR DESK TELL A JOKE","I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW DESKS HAD A SENSE OF HUMOR" +"A pokemon go user walks into a bar","Then a sign, then a person" +"I was having an argument and the other guy went off on a tangent. I said:","Hey, man, whats your angle?!" +"My coworkers groaned. Coworker A wanted to pitch in for pizza to coworker B but only had Euros from a trip to Germany a few years ago. Coworker B: Woah, how long have you had those in there. Me: She got those Euros ago","I told this story again to my husband, he shook his head and said, no" +"Did you hear about the two gay ghosts","They gave each other the willies" +"Which Star Wars character would you never lend money","Owe-Me-One Kenobi" +"On the topic of baked goods My uncle: The baked goods at the Anderson's (local grocery store) are pretty good. Me: I guess that's why the call them baked goods and not baked bads","I'm a 24 year old female and still got groans from my uncle and dad" +"I had this massive piece of steak on the barbecue last night. As it was cooking, the smell of the juices made my mouth salivate. I had a thought","I wondered if vegetarians had the same effect, while mowing their lawn" +"Why do North Koreans draw such perfect lines","Because they have a supreme ruler" +"My sister is now a dad So I was looking at this stupid shopping app, and they had these smart lamps, and I asked her why the hell someone would need smart lamps","Without even thinking she said, because dumb ones aren't as bright" +"My girlfriend asked me how to convert a document to PDF","But I’ve never heard of that religion before" +"What’s ET short for","Cause he has little legs" +"My 17 YO Son is ready for kids: B: Hey dad, how many animals can jump higher than a building. Me: I Don't know. B: All of them, buildings can't jump","Me: ಠ_ಠ" +"Where can you always find money","In the dictionary" +"What car does the pastor drive","A Prius-t" +"A gravedigger dug up the wrong grave and got arrested","Looks like he made a grave mistake" +"I used to find my parasitic conjoined twin annoying","but he’s been growing on me" +"Me: Mom, Dad, I'm gay. Me: *watches nervously* Mom: *glances at Dad* Dad: *clenches fists* Mom: Don't. Dad: Hi, Gay","I'm Dad" +"Like father, like son One of my friends from high school, Jared, lived in Georgia (the country) and speaks Georgian and I'm about to graduate and move to Atlanta so a few weeks ago I asked him to teach me some Georgian before I moved to Georgia (the state), which he did not find very amusing. My dad is visiting for graduation and I was talking about moving and he said, Have you asked Jared to teach you Georgian before you move","It disturbs me a little how much my dad has shaped my sense of humor" +"I have a poster of the clown from it in my house that I move everyday. Cause I like to move it , move it","I like to move it, move it" +"What type of coffee do dogs drink","A puppuccino" +"I sold my guitar to a guy with no arms","I asked him how he was going to use it and he replied, I’m going to play it by ear" +"This morning my wife was at the kitchen table filling out cheques. Me: What are you writing cheques for. Her: Rent, loan, the usual. Why. Me: Just checking","<stunned silence>" +"If pronouncing all my V s like B s, makes me sound Russian","Then Soviet" +"What is an environmentalists favourite type of Tea","Sustainabili-tea" +"I have a friend that was frozen to absolute zero once","He was 0K" +"What do you call a problem with the machinery at a mall","A mallfunction" +"We shouldn't hang out much. Oh, yes. My tail hurts too",", said the other monkey" +"Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie","Because he was too far out" +"Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body","I couldn't make heads or tails of it" +"What’s the only think better than having one apple","Having a pear" +"What do you call a genie made of asbestos","A carcinojinn" +"Did you hear the story about the cheese that saved the world. It was legend dairy","*tee hee*" +"Two antennas on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn't much","But the reception was incredible" +"They're making a sequel to Armageddon . They're calling it","Legageddon." +"So my three year old got his great grandpa today. We had just got back from fishing today. Paw Paw asks boy, where'd you catch all them fish","In the mouth" +"What do you call a curious alligator","An investigator" +"Where do horses go when they're sick","The Horsepital" +"A man goes into a job interview. A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well. The employer is shocked at how professional he is, Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there. The man replied, Oh, that's when I went to Yale. The employer is even more impressed. That's great, you're hired","The man is super happy and says Yay, I got a yob" +"Divorce attorneys and waiters in. Prague have a lot in common. For example, they’re both often asked to separate","Czechs" +"Guilty of Dad Joke While Driving. While driving back home, my sister says that she saw a family of deer coming back from work. To which I replied with Oh, where do they work","Got a solid guffaw and a groan" +"What do you call a confused panda","Bamboozled" +"What do you call someone being killed by a falling, broken clock","An untimely death" +"How did Pharaoh get the Jews to work for him for all this years","He ran a pyramid scheme" +"Me and my brother decided that a rainbow cake would be pretty for mother's day When my nephew asked what the cake was called me and my brother both said at the exact same time it's a gayke . Needless to say thw room was filled with sighs and chuckles","Many eyes were rolled too" +"The invention of the wheel really changed the world","You could even say it was revolutionary" +"What cheese is made backwards","Edam" +"Today my daughter told me Dad, your jokes are bad . I was sad until she told me Don't worry","I'm just kidding, nothing could be father from the truth." +"He's ready Operator: 911 what's your emergency Dad: My wife's going into labor, I don't know what to do Operator: Is this her first born","Dad: No this is her husband" +"The best way to check if your pasta is al dente is to throw it up at the ceiling","If your pasta is too hard, your ceiling will be al dented" +"I tried to do the right thing for the animals by becoming a vegetarian","But honestly, it was a big missed-steak." +"How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas","He felt his presents" +"If you’re a fan of piss","Then urine luck" +"I turned 31 today","I guess you could say I've hit my prime" +"A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid","He reckoned he could stop at any time" +"My sister asked me about where I'd like to go for dinner. She asked, How does Italian sound","I replied, It sounda like-a dis" +"One of the classics. Always happens, I swear. Oh, you got a haircut","I got all of them cut" +"I used to be a member of the secret cooking society","But they kicked me out for spilling the beans" +"Justice is best served cold","Because otherwise it's justwater" +"At the end of the day","It’s 11:59pm." +"What do you call a communist assasin","A marxman *da dum tch*" +"I can't decide whether to join the. Bard's. College or the. Thieves. Guild","I'll just have to weigh the prose and the cons." +"When Canadian cultural icons like Justin Bieber and Drake rap about money","are the songs called Loonie Tunes" +"This one hit close to home. So my dad was putting an addition onto our house, and I overheard him talking to the contractor. I peeked in to see what was happening, when the contractor pulls out a cross-sectional plan of the addition","Immediately, my dad says, Whaddup, homeslice" +"I broke up with my gym","We were just not working out..." +"I tried to explain to my son why. I don’t like dried fruit. But","I couldn’t come up with any good raisins." +"What do you get when you fill a grape with helium","A raisin" +"My pregnant wife was complaining to me today I'm miserable. Hi Ms. Erable, I'm George No response. http://imgur","com/EdBbSIS" +"I help my kids with calculus and algebra","But graphing is where I draw the line" +"Dinner decisions I'm not even five minutes through the door. Housemate: What you thinking for dinner tonight. Me: I feel like pizza. Housemate: That's funny, you don't look like pizza","I feel he's training just in case he finds somebody stupid enough to let him father a child" +"Which doctors are the coolest","Hip doctors" +"Do you want to hear a geology joke","I don't give a schist" +"Woah, that's a nice cemetery. I bet people are dying to get in","Everytime" +"A camel with one hump and a camel with two humps had a baby with no humps, what did they name it","Humphrey" +"You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy","Now he's a whywolf" +"How do you find Will Smith in the snow","You look for the fresh prints" +"What did the Roman fighter say about his cannibalism","He was gladiator" +"My girlfriend hates that. I want her to stop dying her hair but","I just want her to return to her roots" +"Why do the French like to eat snails","They can't stand fast food" +"Just got kicked out of karaoke for singing Danger Zone three times in a row","they said it was too many Loggins attempts" +"Dad-joked my supervisor at my new job. He was explaining how he didn't want to sell his apartment because the building it was in was really solid; Him: It's just really sturdy. It has no faults, you know. It has no flaws Me: NO FLOORS. THEN WHAT DO YOU STAND ON","I then proceeded to slap my leg and laugh good and hard" +"Dad. Advise #34:. If you see someone drowning, call the ice cream man","He can get them a float." +"Watching football with my dad During halftime there was commentators talking about the game, one of them is a guy named Booger McFarlen","My dad says, I wonder if when they talk about next week's games they ask 'what's your pick, Booger" +"So. I ordered a camouflage shirt,","And the box was empty." +"My dinosaur professor may be a dad. I'm in a college course just called Dinosaurs and the professor owns most of the models he shows in class. We were covering bone structures and there were quite a few bones and complete skeletons all over the lab for various assignments. Curious, one student asked Are these your bones. He responds, entirely deadpan, No, my bones are still inside me","(groans and chuckles throughout the lab)" +"My proctologist friend was recently diagnosed with PTSD","He has seen some shit" +"What does the Pink Panther's to do list look like","To do To do To do, to do, to do To do, to doooo" +"Did you know that one of the presidents actually found his job online","Abraham LinkedIn" +"Girlfriend hit me with a classic one Trying to send a flirty message, I sent her They call me SjaakAfhaak, but you can call me tonight ;) . To which she replied: Hi tonight","I think I should keep her" +"What are the names of all 10 reindeer mentioned in 'Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer'. Well, let me see. There's Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolf, and . and. There are only 9 reindeer mentioned in the song. Nope. There's 10. You forgot 'Olive'. 'Olive'. There's not a reindeer named 'Olive'. Yes there is. _'♫ Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names","♫'_" +"Encountered my first dad joke today. Came home and my dad was watching tv. I asked him what he was watching. Oh, it's a documentary. What's it on. The t","-" +"My friend is a Roman Catholic priest, great at his job - he absolutely kills it every Sunday","He’s a mass murderer" +"If someone can explain to me why my heating bills are so high","My door is always open" +"Why do chickens lay eggs","Because if they dropped them, they'd break" +"New hat. So the other day I went to a sporting event, and it is still winter here, so the guy at the door says : Cool hat","And I reply, no actually it's quite warm" +"I asked my dad If we had a globe","Yeah, under the house actual size" +"A furniture store keeps calling me. All","I wanted was one night stand" +"I have a fear of speed bumps","I'm slowly getting over it" +"Can someone please tell me what Pokemon this is. Nobody I've asked seems to know :( https://imgur","com/a/eVV8r5s" +"Reverse dad joke. Actual exchange I heard between my brother and his daughter. Dad, can I go swimming. Not right now. Wait five or ten minutes. Ok, I choose five.","Fair enough" +"What do chemists do with the dead","They Barium" +"Got friend at Wendys Sitting in booth, after ordering some chicken wraps. Me: *Start unwrapping the wraps and eating. * Friend: *Looks up*, So how's your wrap. Me: Oh its good, just not enough verses","Friend: Proceeds to stare blankly at me for a couple of seconds, then bursts into laughter after getting it" +"My four year old asked me to put her shoes on. I said. I'd like to but","I don't think they will fit me" +"I drove past a lumbar yard the other day. They were having a “Bark Sale” I thought to myself, “man","sales must be ruff" +"Did you know all sushi comes from female fish","Otherwise it would be called suhe" +"Did you hear about the man who got hit in the head by a can of soda. Don't worry, he's fine","It was a soft drink" +"Satisfactory is actually the final stage of production;","It really begins at the satis-refinery." +"Be careful about handling blocks of cheese","Some of them might be sharp" +"I thought I saw Santa Claus when I pulled my Scandinavian pastry out of the oven; turns out it was just a crisp kringle[. ](https://imgur","com/a/VXBWl)" +"Its crazy how sexist the post office is","Guess thats natural though in a mail dominated industry" +"Virgin trains has a Dad in their PR Department http://i. imgur. com/Lo1qEVy","jpg" +"When I was little I thought when the sun went down it was gone forever And then it dawned on me","- My History Teacher" +"Does Catwoman travel to Nepal. No, but Catman do","(Cricket sounds)" +"Uncle joked my nephew So the men in my family and my nephew, who's 13, we're helping a family member move yesterday. Afterwards, we were sitting around chatting, and they start asking my nephew if he has a girlfriend, and he said he didn't because the girls at his school were all crazy. So that's when I told him, it's ok, I used to date a Russian doll, but I broke up with her because she was too full of herself. Groans were had all around","My dad was proud though" +"What do you say to a baby who speaks French and wets his diaper","European man (Courtesy of my husband)" +"Dad joke of all dad jokes (found on Tumblr) I've been making dad jokes for years but my wife and I are expecting our first child and I've finally been making dad jokes while actually being a dad. When we were in the hospital I got my wife a blanket. What was awesome was they were kept in this machine that was specifially made to heat blankets. I laid the blanket over my wife and siad. do you think they keep these at womb temperature. I heard a nurse laugh for a solid 3 minutes","This is my legacy" +"This joke may sound a little corny","But please, lend me your ear" +"It's getting tiring for me because most of the jokes in this subreddit is corny","However, I'm all ears" +"My son came home from school and told me he got 100% on his probability test","I said: bullshit, what are the odds of that" +"My stepdad at the drive thru SD: I would like a burger, plain and dry Speaker: and what to drink. SD: A coke, wet","Speaker:" +"Why was 6 afraid of 7","Because 7 is a registered 6 offender" +"What's the difference between regular and Israeli hummus. Hummus: good","Israeli hummus: Israeli good" +"I tried archery, but I lost the one arrow I had after a single shot","I guess that’s the only drawback" +"This graveyard looks overcrowded","People must be dying to get in there" +"Son: Dad, Am I adopted . Dad: Not yet","We still haven't found anyone who wants you" +"Why didn't my mom let me see the pirate movie","It was rated Argh" +"What do you call a no eyed deer","I got no eyed-deer" +"My dad was asking why I always drove a hire car","I told him, I'm too tall for the lower car" +"Why do pornos always end with the guy coming","Because it sure as hell can't start with the guy leaving" +"What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter","Irrelephant" +"Dogs can't operate an. MIR machine","But catscan." +"So I was at the sandwich shop and accidentally ate someone else’s hoagie. Oops","Wrong sub" +"I've started diversifying my portfolio by investing in different stocks. Primarily beef, chicken, and vegetables","I hope some day to be a bouillonaire" +"I'll do algebra, I'll put up with calculus, I'll even push through trigonometry","But graphing is where I draw the line" +"How do fish pay for their food","With dollar gills" +"A vegan and a non vegan have sex. Before he leaves, the non vegan turns to the vegan and says","Nice meating you" +"Knock Knock (As told by Grandpa, the dad of dads) Who's there. Yerbina Yerbina who","Yer bein' a doofus again" +"My friend told me today that baby rats are called pups . I'm thoroughly disappointed that they're not called ratlings","That way when she's giving birth you could consider her a ratling gun" +"Why did the cow on the cloud not gamble","Because the steaks are too high" +"Did you know the toothbrush was invented in the Appalachian Mountains","Because if it was invented anywhere else, it would be called the Teethbrush -My Dad" +"I'd love to be a dad. [But here's the thing. ](http://img3. wikia. nocookie. net/__cb20110622061953/marveldatabase/images/a/ab/1238854-the_heroic_age_iamannewavengers_05","jpg)" +"What’s an incel’s favorite fruit","A can’telope" +"Just finished my break at the coffee factory","Well, back to the grind." +"I got my in laws with this gem. Last night while having dinner at the in laws we were sitting down to eat. Well my father in law finished the ketchup and set the empty bottle down. I took the bottle put it up to my eyes and made oooh, ahhh, ehhh, ewww sounds for about 30 seconds. Finally my wife asked what I was doing","I told her Everything's different in Heinz sight the entire table proceeded to groan" +"I've been torturing my daughter, vol. 4 [The fourth album is often the best](http://imgur. com/a/35B4L). Credit to the original submitters. Thanks for keeping me funny, dads. EDIT: [Black Sabbath](https://www. reddit. com/r/dadjokes/comments/57hc3w/ive_been_torturing_my_daughter_with_jokes_for/), [Paranoid](https://www. reddit. com/r/dadjokes/comments/5b4zxi/im_still_torturing_my_daughter_with_awful_jokes/), [Master of Reality](https://www. reddit","com/r/dadjokes/comments/5rmwo2/dadjoke_daughter_torture_3_still_the_dad/)" +"Why did the fish blush","He saw the oceans bottom" +"My mom dad joked my wife at Disney World. dad and I have taught her well. Early morning at the hotel getting ready to go the Magic Kingdom, I'm taking my 6 year old to the food court, my wife asks my mom to watch our 2 year old so she can jump in the shower Mom - I wouldn't jump, there is no mat in there, probably safer to stand. And goes back to drinking her coffee","I cried a couple tears of joy" +"Where does a Sith go shopping","At a Darth Mall" +"Son, have I ever told you about our spanish heritage","It's in our DÑ" +"My dad's favorite joke when I was in high school In high school I had an English teacher named *Mrs. White* and a history teacher named *Mrs. Wong*. I would get mad because they had different formats for everything and I would always mix up which one to use. So every time I was writing an essay my dad would pop in and say * Remember, there's a White way and a Wong way, don't mix 'em up","* He fucking loved that joke" +"The wife is pissed at me. because I failed to change the 9 volt battery in the smoke detector in her office. She came in afew minutes later looking for sympathy when the battery hit her square in the forehead when attempting to change it herself. Instead of offering sympathy, though, I said, Well, there's a reason it's called a battery","And now I'll be sleeping in the guestroom" +"Wimbledon is on again Watching the Vesely vs. Berdych match, both are from the Czech Republic","Dad: well I guess he's playing his Czech mate This man is my role model Edit: spelling" +"What's heavy and light at the same time","LED" +"Professional. Tree. Planters","It’s a shady business." +"If. I was a teacher. I would want my last name to be conception. So my students would call me. Miss","Conception" +"Whats the best way to say farewell to the beach","A wave goodbye" +"I keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia","Which is the one about being in the closet" +"I told my girlfriend she painted her eyebrows on too high","She looked surprised" +"Quang, are you sure this is what you want to call your new Vietnamese restaurant","Pho Q" +"Why was broom late for work","It over-swept" +"I bought a do it yourself book on Amazon","I only got paper, bindings and glue in the mail" +"What type of bagel can fly","A plain bagel" +"My step-dad owns a sign shop. This is what he brings out when someone asks for just a small sign. http://imgur","com/gallery/uOLuU/new" +"For years, scientists have been developing a new psychotropic drug derived from queen ant pheromones","They call it antacid" +"I think my girlfriend might break up with me. Sitting on the couch watching The Bachelor with my gf (hate the show but I spend most of the time reddit-ing). She starts talking about how the guy makes out with so many different girls and goes He even has sex with one of them when they go camping. I responded with Wow that's fucking in-tents","So I might be sleeping on the couch tonight" +"I bought an antique mirror","Because I want to reflect upon the past" +"Waiter came to our table to give us tea and. *tries to reach end of the table* sorry my arms are real short","I have this disability called Tea-Rex" +"I swallowed a piece of string","I shit you knot" +"I had a date tonight. It was pretty sweet","(x-post /r/jokes) Next, I’m going to try a fig" +"To the guy who invented elevators","Thanks for letting us all down." +"I've never tried drinking","but I gave it a shot" +"Why did the crossed-eyed teacher get fired","Because she couldn’t control her pupils" +"The farmer isn't just good at his job","He's out standing in his field" +"Which word is always spelled wrong in dictionaries","Wrong" +"You know you can tell a train just passed through here. *whilst crossing over rail road tracks* What how is that so. It left it's Tracks behind. 26 years old","Still fucking fall for it" +"What’s the best part of living in Switzerland","I don’t know but the flag is a big plus" +"What do you call a Bohemian standing behind you","A background Czech" +"Hey son, want to know how to draw a plane","You just need 3 non-collinear points and there’s you go, a plane" +"If Oprah created a career-defining musical performance around green vegetables","It would be Oprah's Okra Opera Opus" +"What do you call a hippy's wife","Mississippi" +"What does Hozier ask his kids way too often","Hozier daddy" +"Every single dad joke ever My dad: “You know how scuba divers sit on the edge of the boat and fall out backwards into the water. You know why they do that. ” Me: “No, why. ” Him: “If they went forward they’d fall in the boat","”" +"Is this subreddit dying","Or is this subreddit /r/dadjokes" +"Have you ever had to make a dad-joke about a barometer","It can be a lot of pressure" +"One day a guy dies. and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil. Devil: Why are you so sad. Guy: Why do you think. I'm in hell. Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man. Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Coke. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more. Guy: Gee, that sounds great. Devil: You a smoker. Guy: You better believe it. Devil: All right. You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay -- you're already dead. Guy: Golly. Devil: I bet you like to gamble, too. Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. You like to do drugs. Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean. Devil: That's right. Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of the Titanic. You can do all the drugs you want, and you'll never die -- you're already dead. Guy: Neat. I never realized hell was such a happenin' place. Devil: You gay. Guy: No","Devil: Oh, you're gonna hate Fridays" +"I just recently got back from Ghana. Dad: So are you Ghana go back","Well played dad" +"I just made a new friend and we're planning a trip to. Korea. I think we might be","Seoul mates." +"Why didn't the minced meat go out and play with his friends","He was grounded" +"I wanted to write a parody of “Behind. Blue. Eyes” but my friend told me. I should watch out for copyright laws","I said, “Who’s gonna sue me?”" +"Why was the teacher always cross eyed","Because she had bad pupils" +"Help Wanted I work at a store and we're hiring, so we have a Help Wanted sign in the window. An older gentleman (OG) walks in. OG: What's wrong. Me: What do you mean. OG: There's sign asking for help in the window","I thought you might need help with something" +"Just finished. Moby. Dick. Guess you can say. I’m pretty","Whale read now." +"My pregnant wife was intentionally irritating me while I was taking a shower. I said, Can I please just shower in peace. She replied, I have a bag in the freezer if you want some. I stonefaced her but it brought a tear to me eye, she's gonna be such a good dad","^(Explanation ^since ^I ^know ^someone ^will ^ask: ^peace ^sounds ^like ^peas)" +"Cool news. They found a dwarf species of axolotl","It's called the axolitl" +"Bullfighting is a stupid term","All they do is try to avoid fighting the bull" +"Wife got me good on Sunday. Wife hands me a birthday card to sign for our nephew. Me: Where is his birthday party again. Wife: It's at Stars and Strikes today. Me: Oh man. I wish I could go, but I have to work. Wife: Yeah, I know","It's right up your alley" +"Dropped my cracker in a Snack Pack","pudding on the ritz" +"Ordering pizza online Dad: So what'd it come to","Sister: the door" +"I was just diagnosed as colourblind","You know, it really came out of the purple" +"Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th July But not Fire","Fire works" +"My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name","But I called her Bluff" +"What do you call a driver that's never been in an accident","Wreckless" +"What's the opposite of progress","Congress" +"I just dad joked my accounting professor and made her cry from laughing. Someone asked about extra credit. Professor: I'm sorry I don't give extra credit in this class Me: yeah but do you give extra debit","" +"A Government think tank have carried out a survey looking into how people walk home from the pub","The results are staggering" +"A new","IKEA was supposed to be built in our town but nobody could find the little wrench and the instructions went missing." +"Don't worry about the cold. [Spring is right around the corner. ](https://i. redd. it/oti2dlfhzyj01","jpg)" +"Why aren't more people making educational board games","It's a Trivial Pursuit" +"An electric, rotating door that displays the news has been invented","It's a shocking turn of events" +"I want to go to Florida, but I'm worried about that tzatziki virus","I heard it makes you falafel" +"Accidentally drove into the back of a Ferrari, dwarf got out and said he was not happy","Me: which one are you then" +"Where did the general keep his armies","In his sleevies" +"My 3yo son dad jokes people every day. Rando: Hi, Cutie. Are you having fun with Daddy. Son: No. I'm Kayson. R: What. S: My name Kayson. R: Ok, are you playing. S: No, I'm Kayson. Me (to self): Lady. He just owned you twice in the same conversation","Give up" +"I took my son to sign up for tee ball And he joined the kids playing a pick up game while I talked to the coaches. The coach said, He's pretty good, what is he, four","I said, I have no idea what he's for" +"I think I need to replace my car's transmission","It just can't get its shift together" +"My car horn wasn’t working, so I took it to a Boy Scout","He fixed it and said, “Beep repaired”" +"A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer","Bartender says sorry we don't serve food here" +"Why did the old lady fall down the well","She couldn't see that well" +"How do you wake up Lady Gaga","You P-P-P-P-Poke her face" +"Why did the chicken cross the road. To get the Daily News. Get it","Me neither, I get the Times" +"I threw a record into the. Grand. Canyon","The distance it fell was record breaking" +"Whoever thought up raisins","had a grape idea" +"Sometimes when houses have personality disorders","They develop attic" +"Do I have to stop telling Dad jokes","when my kid's all groan" +"[NSFW] So I didn't get accepted into the elite fishing club and I don't know why","They all made weird faces and wouldn't shake my hand when I told them I'm a master baiter" +"What's a pimp's favorite cereal","Some CheeriHoes" +"One my daughter came up with: What does Harry Potter order at Starbucks","Espresso patronum" +"Jacob wasn't able to raise the barn in time for the rainy weather","Amished opportunity, if you ask me" +"My 11yr old son just now: When does a normal joke become a dad joke. Me: uh, when","Son: When it’s apparent" +"Dadjoked my girlfriend at concert My girlfriend and I went to a Glitch Mob concert a couple of days ago. When we walked into the venue, the smoke machines were already on, it was almost impossible to see the stage. Immediately I turn to her and say Man, I don't know if we'll remember this concert tomorrow morning. Why. Our memory might be a little foggy","I had to go look for her in the crowd" +"I was trying to give away bread for Shabbat, but all the Jews kept getting mad at me","All I said was there's no challah cost" +"So, the local brewery just hired a one-legged guy","He's in charge of the hops." +"What is a pronoun. I was testing my daughter over dinner tonight. What is an Adjective. I asked. Daughter: it describes something. What is a noun. Daughter: A person, place, or thing. What is a pronoun. Daughter:. I don't remember. Me: It's a person, place, or thing that does that for a living. My wife actually laughed out loud at this one. first time she's ever laughed at a dad joke. Once I explained it my daughter just groaned in agony. I'm so proud","of myself" +"Dad Making Jokes in a Drive-thru We pull into the drive-thru at McDonalds and my dad noticed all of the free wifi signs, so when who pulled up to collect our order he said to the woman working there I would also like to order one free wifi, to go please","When the drive-thru lady finally got it, she let out a mighty sigh of defeat" +"My daughter asks me all the time “Daddy, can you put my shoes on. ” “No, I don't think they'll fit me. ” Is my go to answer. Bless her she still laughs and says “silly daddy”","She’s 3 :)" +"/r/dadjokes has made me quicker to pick up on golden opportunities We were talking about how I had to write an essay at school today. Mom: What was the essay on","Me: Paper" +"Passed a milestone today with my 7 year old. He said that dinner smelled. I said So does your face. He said that there wasn't anything on his face that smelled. I said What about your nose. He said Dad, your jokes are RUBBISH","It felt so good :D" +"19 and 20 got into a fight","21" +"Who do a mushroom and myself have in common","We are both fun guys" +"How I knew I was a dad. My son was playing his upright bass and there was a rattle coming from it. I suggested he tighten up the peg on the bottom, which fixed the rattle. He told me they should get rid of those pins, because a kid gets stabbed five or six times a year. I said they should just stop that kid. The resulting look confirmed it","I'm a dad" +"I finally figured out why almost no one in my family finds my cheesy jokes and puns good","They are all laughtose intolerant" +"How do you turn a duck into a soul singer","Cook it till it's Bill Withers" +"What happens when a lighter uses up all its fluid","It is now the lightest" +"Frankenstein","Frankenstein enters a body building competition, and finds he has seriously misunderstood the objective" +"Just going to leave this here. [this](http://imgur","com/0L11N2v)" +"What you you call a day old pastry","yesterdanish" +"Got my mother today since my father is away. Mom: *making salad* Mom: Tom, could you please dress the salad. Me: Casually. Mom: *weird look* . yes. Me: Are shorts and a t-shirt okay","Mom: eye rolling ensues" +"How would you describe what quality of plastic fork would be needed to eat a particular food without bending","That would be its utensil strength" +"An open letter for anyone who cares","C" +"How do you spot a blind guy at a nude beach","It's not hard" +"This morning I turned up for a meeting for my premature ejaculators support group","Turns out it’s tomorrow" +"Twi kids from Bankok had a race. Who won","It was a Thai" +"Why is it called Windows 10 instead of Windows 9. Microsoft didn't want to confuse the Germans when they asked for Windows Nein. *Then he shoots into his invisible conversation mode* G1: I would like to buy a Windows 9. G2: You mean Windows 10. G1: Nein, Windows 9. G2: 9. G1: 9. G2: Then what would you like. G1:","*Note: If this was all in one language the mix up probably wouldn't happen, but i wanted to share a nice little chuckle" +"I watched a movie about fasteners tonight","It was riveting" +"A friend of mine told me how she only buys cage-free eggs","Honestly, I don't know why they bothered putting eggs in cages in the first place" +"My dad is sick :( Dad: I don't think i can go to work this week. Me: How come. Dad: Something is wrong, my eyes have been bothering me. Me: Whats wrong. Is everything okay. Dad: Yeah i guess. I just can't see myself going to work","(he then proceeded to take a week off from work)" +"What type of car does an egg drive","A Yolkswagon" +"I'm starting to hate shows like. Chernobyl","I can count all 7 inaccuracies from the first episode on one hand" +"How do bikers start robbing a house","They brake in" +"What sports car does a ghost drive","A Lam-boo-ghini" +"What’s the last thing the gardener does","Leaves" +"Do 99-year old men wear boxers or briefs","Depends" +"What part of your house can a zombie never enter","A: The living room" +"My friends and I are in a band called Duvet","We’re a cover band" +"Here's a big collection of dad jokes I'm sure everyone will like","/r/dadjokes" +"My dog ate all my Lego","Now he is shitting bricks" +"Not sure if this is up to standard The SO asked me to do her a favor. Me: Sure Her: Can you run upstairs— Me: yup Her: and get me my— Me: Wait, there's more","Her: *roll eyes* Me: Hyena laugh" +"Mortar has two different meanings","I found this out when the house I'd built blew itself up" +"Student: Sorry Professor, I’m not going to report my Mexican friend to the police","Professor: All I want is that you turn in your essay" +"You need more than a paradigm shift to make change","You also need three quarters and a nickel" +"Dadjoked my mum for a spelling error. I was out for a friend's birthday yesterday and I was texting my mum just now. Her: Where you hungover this morning","Me: In my bedroom" +"Got the wife at dinner last night. What's a parrot's favorite vegetable. BRAWK-olli","Many groans and begrudging smiles were had" +"Why do med students use books to study anatomy","Because books have spines" +"“Hey dad, have you seen my sunglasses","” “Hey son, have you seen my dadglasses" +"The police came to my door and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes","My dogs don't even have bikes" +"Gandhi is well known for his spiritual guidance, ascribe mystical powers to him. We know he frequently fasted which made him somewhat frail and caused bad breath. We also know that he often went without shoes, making the souls of his feet very tough. This made him a. Super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis","(I’ll see myself out)" +"One of my kids lost their damn marbles. https://imgur","com/gallery/CQyTA" +"I just saw a robbery at the Apple store","Now I’m an iWitness" +"My Dad always told me the importance of a firm handshake","He said it’s a good quality to hold onto" +"Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms. Me: I can’t say that I do. Therapist: Exactly","That’s the main one" +"The other day my dad sat me down and said, “Son",",I see a lot of yourself in you”" +"Why was six afraid of seven","Because seven is a registered six offender" +"What does an emo computer do","Ctrl+X's its wrists" +"Would you rather eat 100 bricks or a matter baby. What's a matter baby. Nothing, I'm fine sweetie","How are you" +"What is the similarity between knitting and oysters. Pearls","(My grandfather told me this one tonight please be gentle)" +"My car is very ambitious","It has lots of drive" +"So I was taking a poo this morning. and my SO knocks on the door. She says, Hey you need to hurry up, I've got a mountain cat situation out here. Confused, I replied What does that mean","She said I'm a puma pants" +"Why don't professional boxers have sex before a fight","Thy probably don't like each other" +"I heard. Toad always hosts the best parties","They say he is a really fungi" +"What did the barber say after surviving the accident","It was a close shave" +"My wife's got a corn on her foot and i tell everyone i meet. She finds it callous but. I think it's fantastic","I married a unicorn" +"Early morning work groans are the best groans Dad joked my coworkers first thing this morning. Pretty proud of this one. So I’m on my usual Tuesday morning 8 o’clock conference call with a bunch of vendors, coworkers and a couple of my bosses. one of whom was calling in from home. My boss chimes in and says (with his dog barking in the background) “Just so you guys are aware, I’m on the call but I’m outside having my roof looked at right now so I might be a little distracted”. Of course with no hesitation I pipe in with “Is your dog the inspector. Cuz he keeps saying ROOF. ROOF, ROOF. ” I was immediately rewarded with a wonderful chorus of about 15 perfectly synchronized groans","It was spectacular" +"The Flash What did they call the Flash after he lost 20lbs","Flashlight" +"New eBay Scam Be careful what you purchase on eBay Spent $50 on a penis enlarger. Bastards sent me a magnifying glass. Instructions said don't use in the sunlight","*Yep, my dad sent this gem to me in the form of a forward email from my grandfather" +"Girlfriend texts asking me if I brought my gym stuff Her: Do you need to go home before the gym or can we go right from work. Me: No I brought my stuff. Her: K me too, I think. I forgot socks fuck","Me: I didn't even know they reproduced" +"My wife said i couldn't build a car out of spaghetti","You should of seen her face once i drove pasta." +"I entered a horse themed costume contest dressed up as an elephant","I won despite the many neigh sayers" +"How do you get around if you don't have legs","Army crawl" +"Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, What kind of music do you like","The other says, I'm a big metal fan" +"I just quit my job at the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice","It really is sad though as everyone there spoke so highly of me" +"Why did the knife get fired from the bread factory","He couldn't cut it" +"Let's Go To Vegas. My older brother texts my Dad and me today and says, Let's go to Vegas tonight. Never one to be interested in gambling, my Dad suggests going to one of the nearby Indian Reservation casinos. The problem is, the local casinos have only card games - so my brother responds with, Nah, no craps. My Dad's response, Then just take one before you go","I chortled" +"A doctor was asked if he had any formal shirts","He said I have only casualties" +"Did you guys hear that rumor about the butter. Nevermind","I shouldn't spread it" +"While feeding some ducks with kids, more ducks turn up","Me there's loads coming, they must have sent a telegraph Dad friend there birds, they tweeted it" +"Our 2 year old was being crazy My pregnant wife to our first born: You are an odd child. Me: True, and his brother will be an even child","Wife: ::Groan::" +"“Doc, I think I might have ADHD, because I can’t remember where I parked my Ford. ” Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works","Man: But I keep losing my Focus" +"I got to have lunch with the world chess champion","It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt though" +"Straight Outta Compton Joke Commercial comes on TV and my dad asks me who that movie is about. I told him that Ice Cube is one of the main characters, and he is played by his son in the movie. His response: What's his name","Crushed Ice" +"A golfer tried to tell a joke","but the delivery was sub-par" +"Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships","So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian" +"Autocorrect was my pal on this one My girlfriend was texting me from a different city and said The weather app said it would be cold today yet it's ducking 73 out here and I'm wearing a sweater","I hit her with the Geese babe, that seriously isn't pheasant at all" +"What is the highest number that a plant can count to","Tree" +"Camomile is a drink for. Americans. Camokilometer is the preferred choice in","England" +"What kind of shoes do frogs wear","Open toad" +"My girlfriend . I was working on a project, when I hear my girlfriend behind me, saying, Ra-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I turn around, and she's standing there, smiling, holding our cat. She repeats the noise, directing the cat to face me. She says, He's a","CAT-ling gun" +"I liked the Harry Potter books and movies, but","I feel like the character of Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed" +"Friend: How do you like your new beard","Me: It's growing on me" +"What job does a transsexual woman have","Postman" +"The glue from my Hot glue gun disappeared and I don't know Why","I am completely Glueless" +"Why shouldn't you wake a crustacean up early in the morning","They're always a bit crabby" +"I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig","It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep." +"Awwww I missed it. Every now and then, when we are driving down the road, my dad will point out Look a bunny rabbit. One of my sisters will reply Oh, I missed it","To which my dad will smile and reply That's all right, so did I" +"I was at a burlesque show and one of the performers had a wardrobe malfunction","I leaned over to my wife and whispered of corset didn't work she rolled her eyes so hard her retinas detached and she missed the rest of the performance" +"My wife, to my daughter who won't get off the computer. Young lady, you need to pay attention. Get your head out of the cloud. I'm not sure if it was intentional or not","I'm guessing not, given what I know about the Missus, it most likely wasn't" +"I had 10 sons by mistake, but I hoped one son would make me rich","But no son in ten did" +"Why did the newspaper blush","It saw a comic strip" +"Ronald McDonald and The Burger King were horrified when they heard the news about Wendy's gruesome demise","Apparently, the baconator" +"What do you call a local network in Australia","The LAN down under" +"I got my coach today (volleyball) We saw the hitter on the other team swing with his left arm, then again with his right","My coach pointed it out and I looked her straight in the eye and said I'm jealous coach, I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous" +"I have an irrational fear of overly engineered buildings","I have a complex complex complex" +"I try to make sure I have the noisiest rifle when I go hunting","It ensures I get a good bang for my Buck" +"How does a cow walks","It MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOves" +"How come crows don't get hit by cars","Cause their friends are all up on the power lines yelling Caw, caw" +"We dads are quite limber","our jokes are always a stretch" +"what do you call a dog that can do magic","a labracadabrador" +"You know what a German doctor shouts after a circumcision","Off wienerskin" +"My dad told me this one when I got back home for spring break Husband to wife: Am I the only one you’ve been with","Wife: Yes, all the other have been 9s and 10s" +"I bet the maintenance guy didn't think it was very funny. My dad is so proud of his dad jokes, he recounts them in emails to my sister and me. [Oh, Dad. ](http://i. imgur. com/RdHLF2e","png" +"Why do firemen wear suspenders","To keep their pants from falling down" +"My seven year old will make a great dad one day. He wanted a pear for morning tea at school so I gave him one. This afternoon when I picked him up: Me: Tomorrow, do you want a pear for morning tea. 7yo: A pair of what","So proud right now" +"Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory","Lack of concentration" +"Im really happy that I finally managed to get rid of the electric charge that my sweater was picking up","I’m ex-static" +"Dadjoked by the Son http://i. imgur. com/fngF0hE","jpg" +"Sad news guys. I lost an electron. But, I'm staying positive","EDIT: Hope you guys can keep an ion me" +"We were talking about assignments in class It was the end of the class, we were talking about due assignments (Master thesis prep group, cuz iamverysmart). Things were getting a bit informal, when one of my fellow students asked: When do we get our graded paper back. to which I loudly yelled: I'd like a hardcover. Some snorted, some didn't understand it, but the overarching sound I heard was loud groaning","Worth" +"So a small pepper got stuck in a snowstorm","It was a little chili." +"My experience gardening I decided to grow a garden this year. Most of the plants grew really well, but one of my herb plants struggled and eventually died so I had to throw it out","It was thyme" +"Know what I like about midgets","Very little" +"Last night, my wife looks at me with a sudden realization and says, We have to DO IT tomorrow. My first thought was, why is that not the goal for every day","When I asked OK but why, her response was, We can't let the last day of the year end without a bang" +"If Baby Groot was in the Army, what would he be","An Infant Tree Man" +"You're getting sick, we should get you some cold medicine. I think even room temperature medicine would work, thanks","Let's not get picky" +"I told my dad about Mark Roberts (the serial streaker), he asked me if I knew he was considering retirement. Dad: Hey you know that guy is considering retirement, right. Me: Wait, really","Dad: I'm serious, but he said he'd stick it out for another year" +"If anyone tells you they have lost their voice","They are lying" +"Seven days without meat","makes one weak" +"I before E except after C","It's not rocket science" +"A giant lightbulb walks into a bar… Bartender looks up at says, Hey","What's the big idea" +"What’s the difference between a bad sharpshooter and a constipated owl","One can shoot but not hit and the other can hoot but not shit" +"So this guy's arms caught on fire. During class, my friend was telling a (fake) news story about how a man was working on his car, and the car exploded and his arms caught on fire. My friend continues by saying As he was trying to put out the fire on his arms, he was almost arrested. Me, being the good friend that I am, set him up by asking Why did he almost get arrested. He bluntly replies with Well he was carrying illegal fire-arms","Cue groans and a couple laughs from my classmates" +"A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face","The horse not being able to comprehend the language shits on the floor and leaves" +"I just realized that I DO contribute to global warming","Every time somebody sighs at my dad jokes" +"An electrician that doesn’t know what he’s doing","Shocking" +"What did the inventer of the door knocker win","The NoBell Prize" +"Why do my jokes never land","They go too far above your head" +"Why did the monkey fall out the tree","Because it was dead" +"I bet my sister a hundred dollars. I could build a car out of spaghetti,. You wouldn't believe her face when","I drove pasta!" +"The meta dad joke My college roommate's dad had a brilliant way of taking well-known jokes and butchering the punchlines. Could be fun when your kids are slightly older. A couple memorable examples: - A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender pours him a beer, and remarks that the wheel looks uncomfortable. The pirate replies, Yar. It's steering me balls. - Two cannibals are having dinner. The first one says my mother-in-law tastes awful. The other replies then have some more potatoes. - How do you make a salad wrap","Just add drums" +"My wife and I went on a trip to Cuba to stay at a few different places. By the end of week 2, we were walking barefoot across a beach, nearly dying of thirst and exhausted. We were wondering if we'd make it home, until I spotted a server holding some drinks. We sprinted towards her and drank both","It was out last resort" +"Asked my dad to turn a lamp on. He walked over to the lamp and said, Hey there sexy lamp, how","YOU doin'?" +"I asked dad if sneezing in public is gross","He said it's not" +"There was a massive cyber attack recently, the government is still looking for the hacker","I think he ran some ware" +"I was going to give archery a shot","But there’s too many drawbacks" +"A man with a chicken takes a cab to the airport. Upon arrival, the cabbie insisted on taking the chicken as payment for the ride","After all, fare is fowl" +"That’s a nice ham you got there","It would be a shame if someone put an “S” in front and an “E” behind it." +"I don’t always tell. Dad jokes","He’s quite a serious person." +"Why can't humans hear a dog whistle","Because dogs can't whistle" +"There was a kidnapping in the school","Luckily he woke up" +"What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts","One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean" +"Did you hear about the scarecrow who became a scientist","He's outstanding in his field" +"Horses don’t really care about hair loss","It’s not a mane problem for them" +"Life is short","Dad: life is the longest thing you'll ever do" +"What do you get when you mix Al Gore + math + music","An Al Gore rhythm" +"Bennett Why are computers so smart. Because they listen to their mother-boards","Hehe" +"I accompany a choir full of retired individuals There was a choir member who was having trouble hearing this week, possibly due to sickness and clogged sinuses, so she went to get it checked out yesterday. I asked her today how it went","Oh, they ran some tests, but I haven't heard anything since" +"Why did an old man fall in a well","He didn't see that well" +"I hate being a pirate at school. In my report cards","I always get 7 seas..." +"The Romans who invented the Viaduct","Must have had something against chickens" +"Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house","But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into" +"What is a pirate's average grade","Somewhere in the high c's" +"Did you hear about the prisons new creative writing department","Prose and Cons" +"Ordering drinks for me and my wife She wants diet Pepsi I want normal. Hers comes in a straight glass, mine in a standard pint glass","I turn to her and say: You can tell mine is full fat, the glass has curves" +"What do you call a nut that's crazy all about education","Macademia" +"What do you call a dead cow that's been buried","Ground beef" +"Me (to daughter): “Why do you think barns are red","” Daughter (in her obviously voice, very sure of herself): “To attract the bulls" +"Ever hear the story about the boy who got a new boomerang","He spent the rest of his life trying to get rid of the old one" +"My girlfriend told me that when she finishes her degree, she's seriously considering teaching abroad","I said, 'Just one?'" +"What do you call a cow that doesnt produce milk","A milk dud" +"“Son, I found a condom in your room. ” “Gee thanks, Grandpa. ” “Why are you calling me Grandpa","” “Because I couldn’t find it yesterday" +"Did you hear the rumour about butter","Well, I'm not going to spread it" +"My 3 year old is going to be a fantastic father. He was struggling to do something so I offered to help: Hey buddy do you need a hand","No thanks, I have two" +"My Dad never misses a beat So my little brother asked me to do him a solid (a favor for those who don't know) and get him a Coke, and without missing a beat, from his bedroom, my dad yells: once you do that for your brother, mind doing me a liquid",", followed by giggling and shame" +"A man and a woman are on a date. Man: What is your job","Woman: I’m a doctor Man: Guess I won’t be needing this \*picks up apple and throws it across room\*" +"Why did Waldo wear stripes","Because he did not want to be spotted" +"Has COVID-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time","If so, you may be entitled to condensation" +"You can never run in a campsite","You can only ran because it's past tents" +"Russia is launching a new streaming service","They're calling it Nyetflix" +"All billboards communicate to us. using sign language","( my daughter told me this one )" +"A man killed his wife named. Ruth. I guess he is","Ruthless" +"I failed a quiz in biology class. There was a question on the parts of a flower","and i didn't know the anther" +"Dad-joked an unknown boss at work today via chat > Me: Do you know anything about student loans. > Boss: A little, why. > Me: Just looking into things, wondering a bit how they work. > Boss: Well you have to pay them back","> Me: *Interest*-ing" +"I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a scandal","Elongate would really stretch on" +"Somethings afoot My wife asked if she could count the digits in my feet","Toe-tally I replied" +"My wife and I had our first child this week and I realized something today","Every joke I make from now on is a dad joke" +"Every time my wife comes back from the baby changing station, Me: Whew","I thought you are going to come back with a different baby" +"I. Took my first girlfriend home to meet my parents. And. I said to my dad “ this is. Amanda","And he jumped up and said “ “it’s a fucking what!!!”" +"Heard a dad joke at Bonnaroo Music Festival Was at the Kanye (Yeezus) performance this weekend and he kept doing this thing where he would start playing a song then cut it off about five seconds in and rant about something","The third time this happened a guy behind me yelled More like Teezus, am i right" +"What do you call a man with no shins. Tony EDIT: [Alternate Ending ](https://www. reddit. com/r/dadjokes/comments/5wn7fr/comment/deboles","st=IZQ77VAI&sh=7ab7297a)" +"I can paddle a boat","Canoe" +"Cemetery Humor Have you heard the joke about the burial site that had to be turned 45 degrees","There's a plot twist, but no punch line" +"What do you call a hooker's fart","A prosti-TOOT" +"Why did the pirate go on vacation","He needed a little ARRR and ARRR" +"Got dad joked by a girl I just met, I had to pull over I was laughing so hard. I was showing her Costco for the first time and I said Ya Costco is intense","She replied No it's not, it's in a warehouse" +"My lab partner came up with a device that steals other people’s ideas, and deletes them permanently from their memory","Why didn’t I think of that" +"A beaver goes into a bar","He sees a man standing behind the bar and asks, Is the bar tender here?" +"I was cutting cheese this morning for my girlfriend. I had a lot of it stacked on top of each other when I asked her to look at the cheese. I said Look, it's the leaning tower of cheeze-a","she groaned and left the room" +"My friend was addicted to bees","He loved the buzz." +"Spoiler. Alert","Leaving your milk in the refrigerator for too long." +"I can sing a really good solo. But","I sing it solo you might not hear it." +"Everyone is so egoistical nowadays. Only","I am thinking of myself.." +"What do you call a receding hairline","An airline" +"What did the buffalo say after it was baptized","Bye-sin" +"Bought a Christmas tree today The guy asked, will you be putting that up yourself","I said, No I'll be putting it in my living room" +"Dad just texted me saying he just made the EYEffel tower. http://imgur","com/aeAtk0O" +"What kind of tree is a chef’s favorite","A pan-tree" +"what do you call a monkey in a minefield","a babooooom" +"I swerved to avoid hitting an amphibian with my car and landed in the ditch","My car is toadaled" +"Heard this one at the dentist: What's the longest word in the English language. Smiles","There's a mile between each S" +"A vegan once said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting","I said people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer" +"Today I had someone knock on my door asking for small donations towards the local swimming pool","I gave him a glass of water" +"Dad: Son, reach me that henway. Me: What’s a henway","Dad: About 3 or 4 pounds" +"Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants to the golf tournament","In case he gets a hole in one" +"My uncle just sighed and shook his head in disappointment My uncle said to my grandmother that he saw a picture of Jane Fonda when she was younger and he said she was really cute","I say across the room, I guess he was really Fonda her" +"What is it called when two spies hug","A bonding moment" +"I discovered what's wrong with my brain. I just finally discovered what's wrong with my brain. On the left side there's nothing right, and on the right side there's nothing left","🤣" +"My son just threw a carton of milk at me","How dairy" +"Bob Dylan came to my house the day after Daylight Savings and adjusted all of my clocks","He said the times they were a-changin’" +"I grabbed a pack of hot dogs while my son and I were at the store. He said, We have 10 weiners. I corrected him and told him, No, that's only 8. He paused for a few seconds to build up the suspense and says, I don't know about you, but i have one","He's 8" +"What do you call the minimum amount of potatoes for Sunday dinner","A critical mash" +"My son who lives overseas never answers my calls","I think he can’t hear me" +"Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days","Dunno, they're just a bit shady" +"Dadjoke made my day After a long day at school i was on skype with a friend with she told me to take a rest from work, jokingly i said oh yeah make me she said you better or ill hit you with these pointing to some batteries she had in her hand. As seriously as possible i respond with ill charge you with assault and battery i laughed for like five minutes","She hung up but totally worth it" +"My wife was annoyed when. I replaced our bed with a trampoline","She hit the roof" +"I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today","I should have cooked it at *aloha* temperature" +"How do you make rice wine cold","Remove the R" +"Does anyone want to buy my old vacuum cleaner","It’s just gathering dust" +"Three dads are stranded on a boat Three dads are stranded on a boat drifting in the middle of the ocean. They begin to accept the inevitable and they all agree to smoke one last cigarette together before succumbing to starvation and dehydration. They open up the last pack of cigarettes to find the final four cigarettes. As they hold the cigarettes in their mouth, they quickly realize they have no way to light them. Each of them sit in silence puzzling over the situation they find themselves in. Finally one dad exclaims he has a solution, he takes the last cigarette out of the pack and toss it overboard","He then says to the other two dads “Now the whole boat is a cigarette lighter" +"I am in hospital today after burning myself due to my obsession with taking selfies by a boiling kettle","I really think I have serious selfie steam issues" +"Play-Doh has been one of the most popular toys in America for over 50 years. They have sold over a billion of cans of this stuff. You could say it has made the company A LOT of dough. Quote from Rick Harrison of Pawn Stars. I find it hard to believe that he is not the face of Dad Jokes. There are at least 5 per episode","I can only assume in real life it is more like 20 hundred bajillion per day" +"What do you call a dog with three legs","Tripawed" +"2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing","Haven't heard from him since then" +"I've only got three albums in my collection. Two by Meatloaf and one by Michael Jackson","Two out of three ain't Bad" +"All the world's timpani players are protesting against their working conditions","The strike will have enormous repercussions" +"Rudolph joke (that I literally just heard my dad laughing about) Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. I think it's raining, he said to his wife. No, that felt more like snow to me, she replied. No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said. Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. Let's not fight about it, the man said, let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing. As the official approached, the man said, Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing. It's raining, of course, he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: I know that felt like snow","To which the man quietly replied: Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear" +"I hate people who don't use punctiation","They deserve a long sentence" +"What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse","Scenta-Peed" +"Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves","Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use" +"What is a cowboys favorite car brand","Haudi" +"What do you call coins flying through the air","The winds of change" +"Son: What should we name our cat. Me: Mandu Son: Mandu","Me: Cat Mandu" +"I keep dreaming about bad Indian food","It's a recurrying nightmare" +"No one likes you","Well, tell no one i like them too" +"My dad is the one who cooks. I asked him Dad, what are you going to do for dinner","Probably i will eat" +"The first rule of Thesaurus Club","is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, orate, recite or chat about Thesaurus Club" +"Did you know there is an organ in your body that is responsible for your organizational skills","Its the Appendix" +"Oktoberfest is coming. so. I don't like jokes about German sausages","They are the wurst" +"I really wish I knew who removed the jack from under the car I was working on","The suspension is killing me" +"Mom gets home and says she heard an owl Mom: I saw an owl. Me: Who. Mom: I did. Me: Who","Mom: *sudden realization* Shut up" +"Dad Jokes Comic http://imgur","com/a/9sw80" +"Why did the ketchup never leave the fridge","He just couldn’t muster up the courage" +"What kind of car starts with P None","They almost all usually use gas or diesel" +"The scoutmaster and the mechanic (probably heard before) What did the mechanic say to the scoutmaster when he fixed the horn on his car","Beep repaired" +"My wife sent me a text message only reading EARTH","It meant the world to me" +"What does a bodybuilder say when he runs out of protein","No whey" +"You've eaten a chicken tender,","But have you ever eaten a bartender?" +"What to you call a stripper from Malta. A Malteaser","*Boom, boom, tah" +"Why couldn't the pony sing in the choir","He was a little hoarse" +"My dad told me he had to go to the vet. I was 14 or something I just got off of school so I'm sitting on the couch as per usual and my dad walks in looking stressed the fuck out. Hey, I think I gotta go to the vet. I start slightly panicking but I'm curious so I ask, why. He proceeds to give me direct eye contact, flex his muscles and say, CAUSE THESE PUPPIES ARE SICK","then walks out of the room, proud as can fucking be" +"The dessert shop was robbed last night","Police have a suspect in custardy" +"My daughter wants the new iPhone for her birthday I told her she will get it if she gets good grades, does her chores or follows the house rules","Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone because it's either my way or the Huawei" +"Do you know the best thing about Switzerland","I don’t know but the flag’s a big plus" +"What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock","Look, no hands" +"Mom came to visit recently, I think I got her pretty good. Mom: Ew, that restaurant is called Boil . Who would want to go there","Me: I dunno, I heard on weekends it's actually really popping" +"I have two kids. Problem is when I call for either of them I never know which one is going to show up","Laurel or Yanny" +"Alternative name for a polar bear","Frostbite" +"Have you heard of the dance called The Elevator . No steps","( My kind of dance" +"What was the name of the Egyptian that was buried with chocolate and nuts","Pharaoh Rocher" +"Did you hear about the pilot who aced his final exams in college","He winged it" +"So I just turned to my dad and asked him: If you opened a store, what would it be","He just looks at me, and replies Open, obviously Couldn't help but groan" +"I went bobsleighing the other day","Killed 250 bobs" +"What is toothpaste's favorite rapper","Fluoride-a" +"Where does a Dog go when it loses its tail. The RETAIL store. my 4 year old slapped me for saying this","haha" +"Let me tell you the joke about the broken pencil","Actually never mind it’s a pointless joke" +"Did you hear about the snake that got into a car crash","Doctors say he may never walk again" +"Had to share this one In a conversation about Louisiana barbecue . GF: I take meat very seriously. Me: Is that because there's a lot at stake","Very lucky to not get kicked out of the car then and there XD" +"Did you hear about the Mexican train killer","He had locomotives" +"Outside with a friend when I squished a bee. Did you hear that What. The bee, when I squished it. What about it. It made a funny sound, like a music tone","I think it was a B flat" +"My friends had a nautical-zombie-themed wedding last weekend","They were the docking wed." +"How many eggs do you want in your omlette","One egg is un oeuf" +"Why didn't God make two Yogi Bears","The second time he messed up and made a Boo-Boo" +"My lovely tree is woodpecker-proof","My tree is impeccable." +"I make a lot of Dad jokes, for someone who's not a Dad","It's a real faux pa" +"I wanted to go see a theater piece comprised of puns","especially when I realized it was a play on words" +"If there's one thing. I can't stand","It's a folded piece of paper in a strong wind" +"What's the difference between a tire and 365 condoms","One's a Goodyear one's a great year" +"What is the opposite of minimum","minidad" +"Eat your dinner if you want to live Today I told my 3 year old to eat his food if he wanted to live. As he started to eat his food he asked me if I would let him live","I said I'll let you live for the rest of your life" +"It's a scorching hot day at Canada's Wonderland and my GF says how can that girl be wearing leather pants","I say cows do it all the time" +"My dad on gargoyles I was telling my dad about how my dog tried to intimidate a gargoyle at a church last week. Me: The first day he barked, jumped, and growled at it. The next day he gave it a short bark and growl as if to say I'm still after you, but surprisingly, the gargoyle still hadn't moved. Dad: Do you know why it didn't react. Me: uh","Dad: Because it was stone-faced" +"How is the moon like a teenager","It's always going through a phase" +"Every morning my dad walks into his job assembling dolls at the factory","and he says, Another day, another doll hair" +"I thought. I’d try snail racing. My tactic was if. I take the shells off, they’ll be lighter and quicker,","All it did was make them a bit sluggish" +"How do you find Will Smith in the snow","Look for the fresh prints" +"I walked up the driveway, and my dad was pulling weeds. I asked how is day was going. I'm getting to the root of the problem","He says" +"I tried to. Google medieval servant boy","It came back: page not found" +"Long dad joke","D a d j o k e" +"What kind of disease do academics in the 1850s get","Scholera" +"What beverage does someone stock up on when they think the world is going to end","Dr Prepper" +"My dads favorite joke","Everytime we go out for dinner and the waiter comes to ask us how our food was, he gestures at the empty plates and says It was TERRIBLE" +"Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween","They don't appreciate random people knocking on their door" +"While waiting for our food at Buffalo Wild Wings, my dad leaned over and said","I wonder if the chef follows a recipe or he just wings it" +"What did the penis say to the condom","Cover me, I’m going in" +"A snake walks into a bar","Bartender says: How'd you do that" +"I don't have anything against picky eaters","I just don't think that picky tastes that good" +"Have you heard about the 80's pop duo who are now working in cereal distribution","They're haulin' oats" +"Every time a bug hits the windshield while dad's driving, he says","Bet he doesn't have the guts to do that again" +"I bought part of a clock yesterday, but it was in pretty bad condition","Probably because it was second hand" +"What do you call a fly with no wings","A walk" +"I still remember my granddads last words before he kicked the bucket He said “Hey","Watch how far I can kick this bucket”" +"What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks","A labracadabrador" +"I'll just leave this here https://www. reddit","com/r/AskReddit/comments/71ls3r/whats_a_joke_so_bad_its_good/" +"My friend just became a dad. Seriously","His wife just had a baby" +"The greatest Dadjoke of all occurred on a road trip when dad popped open a can of mixed nuts","Loudly proclaiming that it was a family reunion" +"The more groans, the better the joke. So, I work for a company that does business all over the US and Canada. Today, I was doing work for a customer in Casper, WY. I lean over to my co worker and said Casper, Wyoming","that place must be a ghost town" +"Probably one of the deepest books you will ever read 2,000. Leagues. Under the","Sea" +"As a photographer, it's easy to tell when a kid has. ADD","They're always out of focus" +"What do you call crystal clear urine","1080pee" +"There was a big black ant in my garage last night . When I told my wife about it later, I told her that I dispatched it, Pink Panther style. What does that mean. she asked me. I told her that it means that the bug is now a dead-ant, dead-ant, dead-ant dead-ant dead-ant dead-ant dead-ant","as sung to the Pink Panther theme" +"Oh man, dad hit me with an unexpected gem. Told my dad I had to rush off to work at the Indian restaurant I bus at, and he goes, well, you'd better s","curry then ugh" +"What do talks, lectures and jokes on Reddit all have in common. They are all free speech. https://www. battleforthenet","com/ Stop the FCC from removing net neutrality" +"A black hole walks into a bar. A black hole walks into a bar. The barman says to him hello sir what would you like to eat","The black hole replies nothing thanks, I'm a light eater" +"I'm annoyed because I had to work at the museum tonight moving suits of armour","I hate knight shifts" +"Got dad joked by my dentist Dentist called me in to re-do a mold of my teeth","She steps out into the waiting room and says, I see you're giving us a second chance to make a good impression" +"If you do a. Google search for missing mideivel servant boy . It will tell you this","Page cannot be found." +"Did you hear about the app that helps you find empty churches","It's called godzillow" +"I've been asked out by 20 women today","I was in the ladies bathroom" +"where is the bathroom for I. T people located","At the I Pee Address" +"Man's best friend Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend","Inside a dog, it's too dark" +"Why do potatoes make such good detectives","Because they always keep their eyes peeled" +"My geometry teacher said that he had to take linear algebra in college","He said it was difficult but it sounds pretty straightforward" +"My teacher said she's been ill since December 31st","I said 'that means you've been sick all year'" +"Dad: Son, if you don't stop masturbating, you'll go blind","Son: Dad, I'm over here" +"What did the grape say when he was stepped on","He let out a little wine" +"My girlfriend wanted me to get water She asked if I could get some out of the fridge, there is a filtered pitcher and also a jug","I told her I would take a pitcher, it would last longer" +"Did you know every can of Busch's baked beans has exactly 239 beans","Just one more and it'd be too farty" +"This morning I dropped my son off at school and said: Bye son He replied: Buffalo","It took me about 5 seconds to get it" +"The giraffe says to the hippopotamus, You know Joe the lion. He told me he's a shape shifter. Can turn into any animal he wants. The hippopotamus scoffs. That guy","Nah, he's always lion" +"What language do birds use","Fowl language" +"Do perfumes expire","In essence, they do" +"Got a friend who I haven't seen in a while My friend's back in town for summer, and we were texting about catching up. He asked what do you have in mind","To which I replied neurotransmitters" +"Statisticians don't like cracking mean jokes","they always turn out to be average" +"Have you ever been to Rio de Janeiro. It's really crowded","There must be at least a Brazilian people there" +"Why are Peter Pan jokes always funny","Because they never get old" +"How does a skeleton receive mail","Posthumously" +"A Classics professor discovers he has ripped his pants and goes to a tailor to get them mended. He begins to talk with the tailor, and it comes up that he's a Classics professor, that he has been teaching for a number of years, that he focuses primarily on the Greeks and their literature. After a nice, long talk, the classics professor shows the pants to the tailor. The tailor asks: Euripides. The professor replies: Yes","Eumenides" +"I'm surprised I'm not single yet A little backstory: my girlfriend has had a small lizard living in her house recently. She's likened him to the mascot of a specific insurance company. Today, she found him looking rather ill and decided to release him outside. Cue to me leaving her house tonight. As I walked out the door: Me - goodnight. Her - Wait. Me - Geez. You scared me. I thought I was stepping on something. Her - No, I just forgot to give you something. Oh no. The poor lizard. That would've been terrible. Me - I know. He would've never been able to achieve his Olympic dreams as a Gecko roman wrestler. Her - Go","Now" +"I saw my friend getting attacked by a duck, and I tried to warn him","It only made things worse" +"My boss came by asking about a guy holding a dolphin","He said he was looking for a man with a porpoise" +"Was on a date, made the joke, no regrets We were walking down the street and I saw the upcoming intersection was Fairwell Ave. When we reached the crosswalk, I said I should head home, and then followed up with, I guess this is farewell","Eyes rolled but it was worth it" +"How do you say no to a horse","Neigh" +"what do you call a basketball game between two mexicans","juan on juan" +"Why do the French only have one egg for breakfast","Because one egg is un oeuf" +"Not to brag, but I think I came up with a good joke about the Ozone Layer","[depleted]" +"Dadjoked while watching the news Friday after work, just sitting down to dinner with my dad, the news is showing on the TV. A story comes on about body parts that were found in a river recently. The police are appealing to anyone who recognises a tattoo thats on the forearm close to the hand, to come forward and help the police with their investigation. My dad turns to me with a huge grin on his face and says, Well, I guess that's a pretty handy clue to have","Nice work dad" +"A daughter called her dad twice and he didn’t pick up. Daughter: “Why didn’t you pick up. I called you twice. ” Dad: “Why did you call me twice","That’s not my name" +"Dad Tells Rope Joke My dad always told this joke when I was a kid and just curious to see if anyone's heard it: So this piece of rope walks into a bar and says Bartender, give me a whiskey Bartender says we don't serve pieces of rope here, get out. so the piece of rope leaves and comes back and this scenario plays out 10 more times. Finally the piece of rope slinks up to the bar and says Bartender give me a whiskey. the Bartender denies him again and throws him out. the piece of rope ties himself up, flares out his edges and strides back in one more time and shouts Bartender give me a whiskey. the Bartender says aren't you that same piece of rope I keep throwing out of here","Piece of Rope says Nope, I'm afraid not (a frayed knot)" +"Dadjoke courtesy of my music professor Professor: He wrote the music for the movie 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon'. Did anyone see that movie. A few in the class raise their hands. Professor: I didn't. because one was hiding and the other was crouching","Groans could be heard throughout the class" +"Why did 7 eat 9","Because you have to eat 3 squared meals a day" +"Why do managers never go bowling with their employees","Because they are afraid of them striking" +"Why do cows love you","Just becows" +"I just love the respiratory system","It breathes new life into science class." +"What do you call a brand new show airing Fridays on Fox. Canceled",":)" +"My friend has become addicted to brake fluid","He says he can stop whenever he wants" +"How does good king Wenceslas like his pizza","Deep pan, crisp, and even" +"It's not expensive that's for sure. I dadjoked my friend today. I'm introducing her to the show Penny Dreadful . I told her that the show is really great except for the name, which in my opinion, was horribly cheap","*shit eating grin ensues*" +"I figured out why. I never get votes in r/dadjokes","I don't have any kids." +"Why should you never fight a dinosaur","You'll get jurasskicked" +"Why aren't entomologists allowed to write their own code","Because it's always filled with bugs" +"My wife found a hole in my underpants","I told her that it was her window of opportunity" +"So my dad dropped this one a few days ago. I had to go get the mail so I asked my dad: Where's the mail key","His reply: Right next to the female key" +"My dad just sent me his bucket list [His bucket list](https://imgur. com/iAzwzfc","jpg)" +"I wasn't very happy when my son accidentally broke our gliding screen door","But I told him this time I'd let it slide" +"Mum got dadjoked during Planet Earth II Mum: Where are the Andes. Dad: At the end of your armsies","(Met by a room full of groans)" +"My dad can be really lame sometimes I'm allergic to dust mites, sneezing and a runny nose being the most common reaction, as a result I usually carry tons of tissues with me. My dad had some words of wisdom for me: Even if you don't have issues, you'll have lots of tissues Mom had a good laugh","I facepalmed in public without regret" +"What do you call a yak that always contradicting itself","An oxymoron" +"I heard Matthew McConaughey can't make left turns while driving","He can only go Alright Alright Alright" +"There are two types of people in this world 1. Those with a good memory 2","I forget what the other type is" +"If you download something illegally on a samsung smart fridge","Is that copyright infridgement?" +"Why are muslims so good at playing basketball","Because their religion says I slam" +"Where's my pillow. What did it look like. It had Pooh on it","Mom probably washed it" +"Dadjoked my lab partner in Plant Physiology biology lab. We're doing this genetics lab where different genes are activated that lead to formation of stomata, carpel, stamen, etc in plants. My lab partner was confused so she asked What's a carpel. I replied, Well it's when two or more people drive in the same car to work","If the point is to make someone roll their eyes, I think I've got this dadjoke thing down" +"I dad-joked my dad. My parents and I were playing Settlers of Catan today, and my dad, noticeably frustrated by the game, said, Give me a break","Immediately, I get up from the table and write on a notecard One Break which I hand to him with the cheesiest grin in my face" +"I found out my scale is broken this morning","I told my wife No weigh!" +"How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb","Only two, but I'm still trying to figure out how they got in there" +"A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires","He was charged with shoplifting on two counts" +"Presidential dad joke A Lincoln car commercial came on and when the commercial ended my mom said wow that doesn't look like a lincoln Then my dad says. Yeah it looks more like a Washington to me. (long pause, no laughs) what you don't like presidential jokes","Real funny dad" +"I burnt my pepperoni pizza today","I could blame the oven but ultimately it’s salami" +"Flaked tuna is a great product for both campers, and dolphins","It's truly useful for all in tents, and porpoises." +"My ceramics teacher was excellent","Day after day, she was always kiln it" +"I don’t like people who take drugs…","For example, airport security." +"How do you know when you've passed an elephant","You can't get the seat down" +"I said to my wife, They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience","Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much" +"What would bears be without bees","Ears" +"I tried to make a reservation at my local library","but it was fully booked" +"What do you call an Irish Window Fitter","Paddy O'Doors" +"What animal is known for running in straight lines","The Anti-loop" +"What does Norway have barcodes on their ships. So they can","Scandinavian" +"What does a bee sit on","Its bee-hind" +"Two monkeys get in a bath","The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah” The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”" +"My boss wanted me to program something","he said he wanted it to be bug-free, no exceptions" +"What do you call ketchup with 20-20 vision","Heinz-sight" +"My colleague just took a new job at a waste management company and I’ve completely run out of pun jokes","Guess I’ll have to recycle them" +"Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay","Because then they’d be bagels" +"There was a stack of glass on the back of a truck","One was broken I said that's a pane many groans were exchanged" +"What brand of modem do native American Indians use","Tipi-Link" +"It's a shame nothing is made in Australia anymore. I just bought a TV and it says Built in Antenna","I don't even know where that is" +"Heading into the subway. She says: Oh, it's really misty down here","Dad says: I guess a lot of people must have just mis-ty-train" +"Walking to work one day, a woman asked me what was the quickest way to the hospital. So","I pushed her under a bus" +"Joke went over my Grandma's head but my Mom got it. Eating dinner with my family who was visiting, afterword we were all going back to my Apartment since I live in the area. When we were getting ready to leave the restaurant my Grandma asked if could we stop by the Hotel first so she could go up to room as use the bathroom. My Mom chimed in with you could just the restroom in the lobby to which I replied In front of all those people","My Grandma and Dad didn't get it but my Mom laughed" +"Did you hear about the man who chased after cars","He was exhausted" +"Justice is best served cold","Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater." +"I have six toes, isn't that odd. No they're even","Your five toes are odd" +"I saw a guy beating somebody up with a string instrument, so I intervened","I said to him, “Violin is not the answer" +"Last night my wife told me the dentist found a crack in her tooth As I'm coming out of the shower and talking with my wife she tells me about the crack the dentist found and will need to be fixed. I remind her I've got one that they've been monitoring for a while too. I ask her you wanna see my crack. Of course. I turn around and show her my bare ass","She tried REALLY hard not to laugh at that" +"A son asked his dad Can you pass me my sunglasses. Sure","Replied his dad Then can you pass me my dadglasses" +"Dadjoked by my friends Dad So my friends and I go out to Dairy Queen and get one of those ice cream cakes in the shape of a pizza. We get home and struggle to cut this diamond of a treat and my friends dad comes over and says: Do you boys need a hand","Cutting this should be a pizza cake" +"What did the lawyer wear to his next case","His Law Suit" +"Why did the man with no fingers have low self confidence","Because he could never count on himself" +"My son recently had a piece of clothing removed from his head after it accidentally went up his nose","I told him it's good that he's no longer clothesd-minded" +"My wife said, “I don’t really understand the theory behind human cloning","” Me: That makes two of us" +"Digital Logic Dad-Joked My professor had taught us about these doohickeys called multiplexers, which we sometimes also call data selectors, in a previous lecture. At the next lecture we had a review: he would draw a symbol and we would shout out what it represented, and he was hamming it up, acting like a game show host. He drew a multiplexer on the board and asked the class, what's this. A multiplexer. some students called out. Right. Now, says the prof, what is *another word* for 'multiplexer'. A data selector. someone answers correctly. But he looks like the student just blew the million-dollar question. Hmm. 'a data selector'. no, I'm afraid not—that's three words","His two young kids have probably learned not to ask him about what he teaches" +"I was in the Indian Restaurant the other day. A waiter came up to me and said “Karaoke","” I replied saying “No no, I’ll need a few more drinks before I start singing” the waiter replied “No is your curry ok" +"What’s a russian family gathering with members aged 30+ called","A Soviet Reunion" +"My dad told me this rn. Which is faster, heat or cold","Heat because you can catch a cold" +"A truck transporting sulphoric acid fell over on the highway","The resulting traffic jam is currently starting to dissolve." +"I tried to catch fog the other day","mist" +"Dogs can't operate an MRI Machine","but catscan" +"So my date last night lost her earring in my car. She asked me to let her know if I found it","I told her if I found it, I’d give her a ring" +"You know what's not right in this world","Left" +"I don't mean to say much, but","much" +"He just looked me dead in the eyes and said, I'll see you at the checkout. So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied: Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me","He was not impressed" +"I was in Moscow during Rush Hour","Even there, people were Russian" +"First day of calculus summer session today","(Right before I leave) Mom:Be safe driving over there Me: Ok, Mom Dad: Be safe deriving over there Me: Goddamnit" +"When. I was a kid my mom told me. I could be anyone. I wanted","Turns out identity theft is a crime" +"Me: 'Dad, did you ever think about adoption","' Dad: 'Yeah, but no one would take you or your sister" +"How did the Hipster burn his tongue","He drank his coffee before it was cool" +"The Ultimate Dad Joke Duel How have I not seen this before. You all must share in its glory https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=MepBeEpEQcM&start=133&autoplay=1" +"He walked straight into this one. I was talking with my friend, when the subject of blind people comes up. Friend: You know, I've never actually seen a blind person","Me: Don't worry; they haven't seen you, either" +"My friend keeps saying cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water","I know he means well" +"Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory","There was de brie was everywhere" +"I was looking at a picture I really liked it. I said, Whoever took that has an eye","To which my dad said He probably had two eyes" +"My son asked me, Dad, did you ever get shot in the army","I replied, No, but I was shot in the leggy" +"I'm from. Scotland so a friend asked me if. I'm fully. Scottish. I said no","I'm just scott-ish" +"One potato looks to another potato and says Are you a sweet potato","The potato responds I yam" +"I finally ate a watch","It was time consuming" +"Not a dad but made this joke with my friends Friend: I can't spell today (as in writing things wrong all day) Me: It's T-O-D-A-Y","Friend: Shut the fuck up krilyx" +"I haven’t been able to find my stud finder for three weeks","I’m so lost without it" +"What law forces a married couple to stay together","a mother-in-law *ugh*" +"Chicken My father in law: why do chicken coops have 2 doors. Me: uh, idk why. FIL: If it had 4 doors it'd be a chicken sedan. Hahaha","Me: *face palm *" +"Dad joked my cat Me and my boyfriend were sitting in bed watching a James Bond movie when my cat crawled under the blanket and curled beside me. I said to him she's under cover","He pulled up the blanket and started blowing on her - I asked him what he was doing, and he said blowing her cover" +"The city of St. Louis is offering huge tax breaks to major corporations so that big businesses can move in","Because Missouri loves Company" +"A guy finds 3 penguins A guy finds 3 penguins so he brings them up to a cop and says, “hey, what should I do I found these 3 penguins “ the cop replies, “I don’t know, take them to the zoo”. The next day the cop pulls the guy over and the 3 penguins are in the back seat with beach towels and sunglasses. The cop says, “hey buddy, I thought I told you to take these things to the zoo “ the guy replies, “I did, we had a blast","Today we’re going to the beach”" +"Sister asks the question Sister: Do black people die more often than white people","Dad: No, I think everyone dies only once" +"I work for a survey company and we're currently doing some surveying for some airports throughout the state My coworker/good friend of mine works out in the field performing these surveys and for the latest airport job he said to me that this airport is basically dead and that there's hardly anyone there consistently working in the office, monitoring the radio, etc. So I asked him, then what does someone do if they're out flying and want to land there. [start jabbing him with my elbow] just WING it. I should be ashamed but I'm still laughing at myself","No I am not a dad (technically)" +"The guy at the music store got me. I discovered that I can buy a piece of musical equipment that will enhance my playing, so I went to buy one. Me: I didn't realize that these existed until two days ago","Clerk: Oh no, they still exist today" +"I'm going to make a new brand of thermal underwear","I'll call it Kelvin Klein" +"I once heard a joke about a window","It was paneful" +"Where do the vegetable animals live. Cutting up veggies for my daughters, I asked: Where do vegetables go to visit the vegetable animals. . The zucchini","They didn't laugh" +"What's the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants","One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean" +"FIRST reddit post. Best/worst dad joke ever Dad hands me a candy, me: Wonderful. Dad hands me another candy, dad: Two-derful. This just happened","Help" +"What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a tricycle","A tire" +"Why cant pirates finish the alphabet","They got lost at C" +"So, just been asked to play the triangle in a reggae band","I just sit at the back an' ting" +"I just bought new wind chimes","It was a pretty sound investment" +"You can't plant any flowers","If you haven't botany" +"My daughter just dad-joked the shit out of me with Did you hear about the kidnapping","Everything was fine, he woke up a couple hours later" +"Want to hear a dad joke about pizza","Ehh it's too cheesy, nevermind" +"An aspiring beekeeper went to a farmer’s market to pick up a small hive. They placed an order for a dozen bees. When picking up the bees, the seller handed them a case of thirteen bees. Noticing the extra bee, the keeper pointed it out to the seller","The seller said, “Oh, that last one is a freebee" +"A burgular stole all my lamps. I should be upset","but I'm delighted" +"What’s Mario’s favourite time of day","Dinner Dinner Dinner (to the tune of level 1-2)" +"What do you call a fly with no wings","A walk" +"game of tap tap anyone. Knock knock Who's there. Doris Doris who","Doris locked" +"Did you hear that a donkey fell into some sugar","Now that's a sweet ass" +"Pulled off my first Dad Joke with my 2 year old. A classic. *son falls on butt Owww. Your ok buddy let me see. *looks at son's butt OH NO, THERE'S A CRACK IN IT","Now he's worried his butt is broken" +"Whats the most musical part of a chicken","The drumsticks" +"Hillary has lunch Hillary Clinton and a sleaze bag are sitting at a table in a nice restaurant. Seeing they've finished eating, the waiter comes by and lays the check by the sleaze bag","The sleaze bag grabs the waiters arm, and pointing at Hillary says No, Bill Clinton" +"What do you call a Dwarf Psychic who has escaped prison","A Small Medium at Large" +"why didn't hitlers girlfriend swallow","she did nazi him cumming" +"What's a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer","Comet" +"Dadjoked my dad Oh, to dadjoke the master… http://i. imgur. com/UuF3Vp7","jpg" +"Did you know Cardi-B has a sister","She's an athletic trainer Her name is Cardi-O" +"If I have kids, I don't think I'll let them join band","I don't feel good about all the sax and violins" +"My wife threatened to leave me because of my obsession with optical illusions","I told her, Wait, this isn't what you think it is" +"Me and my son have were fighting over which is the best vowel","I won" +"What's ET short for","So he can fit on the space ship" +"Dadjoked the wife today. Wife: there's something in my shoe","Me: ya, your foot, but it's supposed to be there" +"Why dont cows have feet","Because they lactose" +"Honey, there's a man from the bank at the door. With a bill","No, with a nose just like yours" +"What do you call a cat with a prosthetic","A faux pas" +"Went to an artists wedding. There was the bride to be. The Groom to be. And heaps of pencils","2B" +"People say I pronounce my b’s and v’ like a Russian","Then Soviet" +"A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck. He finishes his drink and asks for his check","Duck billed platypus" +"I've got a date with a woman form the sewing machine factory","She seams nice" +"Why did the patient person go to jail","They were great at killing time" +"Walking in to Home Depot yesterday to look at lawn mowers. Me: I like shopping here. Wife: Yeah. Me: Yeah, there's so much mower selection. Wife:","Me: :D" +"I asked my wife, “Did you know there’s a fruit that gives you your entire potassium requirement for the day. ” My wife: That’s bananas","Me: I know, I couldn’t believe it either" +"Dad told me this over the phone. Why does the Russian president have body guards","They don't want to Putin in danger" +"Chairlift joke from a new dad I'd been waiting for it to kick in. 10 months after having baby, on a chairlift in Gatlinburg with my wife: Wife: This chairlift is a lot nicer and more stable than the one in our little theme park back home","Me: It has a lot more riding on it" +"I'd tell you about my mediocre two person band","But I just can't duet" +"What do you call a midget party","a little get-together" +"A horse moved in next door","There goes the neigh-borhood" +"For the punk rock kids","I don't like punk rock ghost stories, they give me the CBGBs" +"In a few months, British English will only have three vowels","They would leave E U" +"Finally finished my book about clocks and what we use them for","It’s about time" +"Daughter was watching a cryptozoology/paranormal show. Me: What are they searching for. Her: They're looking for a giant Owl-Man. Me: Whoo. Her: Giant Owl- Man. Me: Whoo. Queue the eye-roll","Success" +"I don't often tell dad jokes but when","I do; he laughs." +"I don't know why everyone is freaking out about the new. Iron. Man. The character has always been a. Fe","Male" +"You’re American before you enter the bathroom, and you’re American when you leave, but what are you when you’re in the bathroom","You’re a pee-in" +"Christmas Cracker Jokes NEEDED I need your best/worst cracker jokes for a groanworthy advent calendar I'm making last minute","Help" +"I know this will probably get buried. but I thought I'd post it anyway. ](http://i. imgur. com/bo4s8U7","jpg)" +"My dad dad joked me. So I was making coffee for everyone, and he asked me. ''Did you put the milk in my coffee. '' I said ''no, I dont know how you like it","'' ''I like it in the coffee personally''" +"What do you call friends you like to eat with","Tastebuds" +"I have the memory of an elephant","One time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant" +"What do you call it when a scary reptile robs a drink shop","A gator raid" +"At a restaurant, right after finishing my steak dinner. Waiter: So how did you find the steak, sir. Me: Very easily","It was right next to the potatoes" +"If a Pig loses it's voice","is it disgruntled" +"What do Santa’s elves listen to in the workshop","Wrap music" +"yes sex would be fine Going through Chick-Fil-A drive through- Young Drive Through Lady: (Hands us a whole bunch of food) Dad: Thanks Young Drive Through Lady: Would you like some sacks. (Since there was a lot of food and for some reason she didn't put any of it in a bag) Dad: Yes sex would be fine. (Staring at drive through lady) Drive Through Lady: Sorry sir we don't sell that here","(Smiles and hands sack) Dad: (Drives off laughing)" +"I started taking the girl I like out to places horses are kept","I just want a stable relationship" +"John Cena: *wakes up from coma* where am I. Nurse: ICU","John Cena: oh ok" +"Parallel lines have a lot in common","Too bad they'll never meet." +"What do you call crystal clear urine","1080p" +"My mom went to see her 92 year old father at his assisted living home yesterday and she said to him, You sure like to take naps don't you","He said, Well this is a rest home" +"I think my orthodontist is a homophobe","Because he wants all my teeth straight" +"I went on a date about two days after I got Lasik","I told her it happened before hand, and when I saw her I said Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes" +"Every time in the car when the radio is too loud me: dad, could you turn down the volume","dad: what I can't hear you, the sterio is too loud me: I SAID, ITS TOO LOUD dad: WHAT" +"My friend just swept a girl off her feet","He is quite an aggressive janitor" +"Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team","She ran away from the ball" +"My farmer friend was complaining about the drought this year","I am planning to send him a Get Well Soon Card" +"This graveyard looks overcrowded","&#x200B; People must be dying to get in there" +"Dad said this one at dinner Waitress: Would you like to box your food","Dad: No, but I'll wrestle you for the check" +"If laziness was an. Olympic sport,. I would probably come in fourth, so that","I don’t have to walk to the podium." +"All this fuss about joining the mile high club","I personally couldn't give a flying fuck" +"As a young kid, I struggled with homophones, despite having a great teacher","I can still remember comforting me when I got overwhelmed - giving me a hug and saying there, their, they're" +"The best oriental dad pun. My dad was born in Japan. We're an average looking white family","My dad says he doesn't look Asian because when he crossed the ocean he became disoriented" +"A bar joke for y'all. An. Afghan, an. Albanian, an. Algerian, an. American, an. Andorran, an. Angolan, an. Antiguans, an. Argentine, an. Armenian, an. Australian, an. Austrian, an. Azerbaijani, a. Bahamian, a. Bahraini, a. Bangladeshi, a. Barbadian, a. Barbudans, a. Batswanan, a. Belarusian, a. Belgian, a. Belizean, a. Beninese, a. Bhutanese, a. Bolivian, a. Bosnian, a. Brazilian, a. Brit, a. Bruneian, a. Bulgarian, a. Burkinabe, a. Burmese, a. Burundian, a. Cambodian, a. Cameroonian, a. Canadian, a. Cape. Verdean, a. Central. African, a. Chadian, a. Chilean, a. Chinese, a. Colombian, a. Comoran, a. Congolese, a. Costa. Rican, a. Croatian, a. Cuban, a. Cypriot, a. Czech, a. Dane, a. Djibouti, a. Dominican, a. Dutchman, an. East. Timorese, an. Ecuadorean, an. Egyptian, an. Emirian, an. Equatorial. Guinean, an. Eritrean, an. Estonian, an. Ethiopian, a. Fijian, a. Filipino, a. Finn, a. Frenchman, a. Gabonese, a. Gambian, a. Georgian, a. German, a. Ghanaian, a. Greek, a. Grenadian, a. Guatemalan, a. Guinea-Bissauan, a. Guinean, a. Guyanese, a. Haitian, a. Herzegovinian, a. Honduran, a. Hungarian, an. I-Kiribati, an. Icelander, an. Indian, an. Indonesian, an. Iranian, an. Iraqi, an. Irishman, an. Israeli, an. Italian, an. Ivorian, a. Jamaican, a. Japanese, a. Jordanian, a. Kazakhstani, a. Kenyan, a. Kittian and. Nevisian, a. Kuwaiti, a. Kyrgyz, a. Laotian, a. Latvian, a. Lebanese, a. Liberian, a. Libyan, a. Liechtensteiner, a. Lithuanian, a. Luxembourger, a. Macedonian, a. Malagasy, a. Malawian, a. Malaysian, a. Maldivan, a. Malian, a. Maltese, a. Marshallese, a. Mauritanian, a. Mauritian, a. Mexican, a. Micronesian, a. Moldovan, a. Monacan, a. Mongolian, a. Moroccan, a. Mosotho, a. Motswana, a. Mozambican, a. Namibian, a. Nauruan, a. Nepalese, a. New. Zealander, a. Nicaraguan, a. Nigerian, a. Nigerien, a. North. Korean, a. Northern. Irishman, a. Norwegian, an. Omani, a. Pakistani, a. Palauan, a. Palestinian, a. Panamanian, a. Papua. New. Guinean, a. Paraguayan, a. Peruvian, a. Pole, a. Portuguese, a. Qatari, a. Romanian, a. Russian, a. Rwandan, a. Saint. Lucian, a. Salvadoran, a. Samoan, a. San. Marinese, a. Sao. Tomean, a. Saudi, a. Scottish, a. Senegalese, a. Serbian, a. Seychellois, a. Sierra. Leonean, a. Singaporean, a. Slovakian, a. Slovenian, a. Solomon. Islander, a. Somali, a. South. African, a. South. Korean, a. Spaniard, a. Sri. Lankan, a. Sudanese, a. Surinamer, a. Swazi, a. Swede, a. Swiss, a. Syrian, a. Tajik, a. Tanzanian, a. Togolese, a. Tongan, a. Trinidadian or. Tobagonian, a. Tunisian, a. Turk, a. Tuvaluan, a. Ugandan, a. Ukrainian, a. Uruguayan, a. Uzbekistani, a. Venezuelan, a. Vietnamese, a. Welshman, a. Yemenite, a. Zambian and a. Zimbabwean. All go to a bar. The doorman stops them and says sorry. I can’t let you in without a","Thai." +"All. Pokemon trainers take their eggs the same way. Sunny","Psyduck" +"Dad's thoughts on my new work uniform. So I recently got some part time work and I'm beginning today and my dad offered to give me a lift over. I had to pick up some black clothes aswell as part of my uniform. We ere just getting ready to leave and my father was looking at me and said You should of wore orange. , I hadn't a clue what the hell he was talking about, and before I could even reply he followed up . because Orange is the New Black right. almost immediately","He doesn't even watch the damn show" +"I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid","I wonder who else he's told" +"Told myself this one today I've been sick with a fever for the last few days. I was trying to get a drink from a water bottle, but I tilted it up too far and spilled it all over myself. I thought, Great","Not only am I sick, but now I have a drinking problem" +"Whenever. I say","I need to take a dump, my dad says this gem I hope you leave a dump instead of taking it!" +"Ever wonder why there’s a fence around cemeteries","Cause people are DYING to get in" +"My wife found out I was cheating after she found all the letters I had hidden","She went crazy and said she won't play Scrabble with me again" +"What does a cowboy with bad gas say","*Darn tootin'" +"Which country is Cookie Monster's favourite","Viet-NOMNOMNOM" +"What's the difference between a wolf and a flea","One howls on the prairie, the other prowls on the hairy" +"Dad is very welcoming of aunt's new boyfriend So we were having a big family video call last night, since we're all on different continents, and my aunt was introducing us to her new boyfriend, Bill. > Cousin: So when is Bill gonna come visit us, so we can meet him in person. > > Aunt: Oh, I don't know, Bill doesn't really fly (he's afraid of flying) > > Dad: He doesn't have to, the plane does","> > *Long distance family groan*" +"Did you hear about the new movie constipation","It hasn’t come out yet" +"My son just got me while Christmas decorating I was putting up my Christmas tree lights while my wife and my 10 year old read over a list of obscure phobias. Hey Dad what's the fear if Santa called","Claustrophobia" +"Me at my 2nd rodeo","This ain't my first rodeo" +"I have a lot of unemployment jokes","But none of them work" +"So I heard Dale Earnhardt Jr is retiring","Doesn't he have people to do that for him" +"How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas","He felt his presents" +"The St. Francis statue in my mom's garden fell over and is lying on its side. Now he's St","Francis of Asleepy" +"Dad, I know I'm adopted","Hi adopted, I'm not dad" +"I used to work for a soft drink can crusher","It was soda pressing" +"What is the internal temperature of a TaunTaun","Lukewarm" +"Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella","Fo drizzle" +"So I was at the bar last night and the waitress screamed Does anyone know CPR. I said, Hell, I know the whole alphabet. Everyone laughed","well, everyone except this one guy" +"My friend asked me why. I eat napkins with every meal. I told him it was so that","I don’t have to wipe later" +"My mother thought she would be safe in the garden. This morning while cleaning up the front yard, I overheard this short, but amazing exchange between my mother and father. Mom: Hey dad, did you see new [sedum](https://upload. wikimedia. org/wikipedia/commons/8/8f/Sedum_spectabile_brillant_0. 0_R. jpg) I planted. It looks amazing. Dad: I know. I sedum, but I just can't believe 'em. My mother then dropped her trowel and walked back inside","Great job, dad" +"How many people are dead in a cemetery. All of them","this is actually a grand-dad joke, but he recently passed away, so in his honour I posted his favorite joke" +"Dad joked during dinner. So yesterday My father, Little brother, and I were all eating dinner. We were having random sausages that I cooked up. Dad: *Coughs* Me: You okay. Dad: I'm fine it's just a little hot. Me: Yeah, hot links and flaming hot Cheetos will do that to you. Dad: And a hot soda. Me: Dad that soda isn't anywhere close to being hot. Dad: *Bends can to give it an hourglass shape* There, now its hot","Me and Little Brother: *heavy sighs*" +"I went to the Doctor with hearing problems. He said Can you describe the symptoms","I said Homer’s a fat dude, and Marge has blue hair" +"Why shouldn't you wear shorts in Ukraine","Because chernobyl fallout" +"”Bro, you want this pamphlet","” “Brochure“" +"My response to my wife saying she's going to hop in the shower","Well I normally just stand there but ok" +"This may not be the right sub for this, if so mods do your thing but my girlfriend, who has worked hard all her life to be a top ranked tennis player, just broke up with me","I guess love means nothing to her" +"Whenever. I'm sad my. German friend throws bread at me","A nice game of gluten tag always cheers me up." +"Who said sending letters was girly","It's more *mail* than you think" +"Working for Disney isn't a bed of roses. Annoying visitors, low pay. and now I've got a rash from my itchy uniform","I've had it up to here with this Mickey Mouse outfit" +"Did you hear about the midget who escaped from jail by rappelling","It was a little condescending" +"I tried wearing a strait jacket once","Couldn't really pull it off.." +"A man was out on a walk on a brisk night when he looked up to the stars and saw a flying saucer. He couldn't believe his eyes. A real flying saucer. He wasn't sure if he should be afraid or excited so he found himself asking, Are you a friend","or are UFO" +"I think I want a job cleaning mirrors","It's just something I could see myself doing" +"What did the Frenchman say after getting hucked with an egg","Ouef" +"A photon checks into a hotel the bellhop asks “can I help you with your luggage","”, the photon replies “no thanks, I’m traveling light”" +"My girlfriend complained to me that it's such a rare occurrence when we have steaks","I'll try to make it a medium rare occurrence next time." +"What kind of fish is made of only two sodium atoms","2 Na" +"Did you hear how much the creator of Mentos made","He made a mint" +"When engineering professors try to tell jokes. We were doing a lab using diesel engines. Once the fuel rack has been opened, the amount of fuel injected should be sufficient to keep the engine running under its own steam. Or even diesel","He and the other prof then just start giggling" +"Prison Mike in the making So my 5 year old son always asks what I’m watching or playing (video games) and most of the time sits and watches for a while. I had been binge watching The Office, so of course he would overhear most of the jokes. One day we were over our friends house who has a daughter my sons age. We sit down to eat some burgers and hot dogs, and out of nowhere my son belts out “DON’T DROP THE SOAP. We all died laughing","He shall be a good dad someday" +"My dad tried to tell a joke about a. Frisbee","It fell flat" +"How much room is needed for fungi to grow","As mushroom as possible" +"What's the opposite of the Wright brothers","The Wleft brothers" +"If a man named Reese was cremated, his urn would be a Reese's cup","And inside would be Reese's pieces" +"My dad and burnt popcorn Dad: I smell something burning Me: Yeah, I made some popcorn and burned a few kernels","Dad: At least you didn't burn any generals" +"I went to see a theatrical production about puns today","It was a play on words" +"Got my Wife While Watching Movie Movie: *Starts metronome and starts playing piano* Me: Hey. what do you call a dwarf on the subway. Her:. Me: A Metro Gnome","Her: I hope you die" +"Went shopping for cherries and a microphone the other day. Bought a bing","Bought a boom" +"You don't want me to close your wound for you","Fine, suture self" +"I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants…","Feefiphobia…" +"My coworker got me. So. I work with a lot of spanish speakers at my job (many thanks to whomever uploaded the I don't. Bolevia you joke, we have had many a laugh with that), one of them comes up to me today and calls me a gringo. I said back, in spanish, yea. I guess. I can't say that's not true (I am very white). He goes nonono and points at my green shirt and says you are a *green*go","I had a good laugh and he was (rightfully) proud of himself" +"I asked if anyone in the car needed to stop at the next rest area I was driving on our way to visit my grandparents and there was a rest area coming up. I asked if anyone needed me to stop, and nobody replied so I said: Speak now or forever hold your pee Even my dad groaned","I think he is proud" +"Why did the blind girl fall in the well","Because she couldn't see that well" +"First time he got me in a while Talking about the expensive healthcare Dad you need to change your major to become a doctor . Me I don't have the patience for that . Dad you would if you became a doctor","Facepalm" +"If Americans are indifferent to a Russian takeover","they'll become part of the 'So be it' Union" +"What do you call a blind German in the 1940s","A Not-see" +"Dad: What's that you've got down your shirt. Me (looking down at my shirt and not seeing anything wrong):","Dad: Oh it's buttons" +"Why was the cookie sad","Because his father a wafer for so long" +"Dadjoked my sick wife. My wife has a cold at the moment, so she has being having quite a few coughing fits. As one of these fits started, she said - 'I'm getting coughy'","To which I replied, 'while you're up, would you mind getting me a tea" +"I hate it when people ask me what. I'll be doing in 4 years. Come on,","I don't have 2020 vision." +"I was washing the car with my son today, when he asked me","“Dad, can’t you just use a sponge" +"I gave my son a simple job: nail down the floorboards","He screwed up" +"Rudolph likely won't be flying this year because his grades in History class dropped from a B to a D. That's right folks, Rudolph went down in History. Edit: I wouldn't have imagined this silly joke would have had so many updoots. Now that I'm here, and on dadjokes , please hug your dad extra for me. I miss mine so very much. And dad's, please teach your little snotheads to love and never hate. The world counts on you","Edit 2: Merry Christmas you filthy animals" +"What do you call a fish with two sodium atoms","Answer: 2Na" +"What do you call a person who doesn't believe in Santa","A rebel without a Claus" +"Why do melons have expensive weddings","They Cantaloupe" +"The caretaker walked into a class room and all of the kids ran out screaming. Concerned, he asked the teacher if the kids were alright. She replied. “No","They all left" +"Why are black holes never obese","They only have light meals" +"My daughter opened a fortune cookie only to find it was empty. Me: Well that was unfortunate","" +"The guy who stole my diary has just died","My thoughts are with his family" +"I was going to tell you a time travel joke","But you didn’t like it" +"Hey dad, it's a strawberry tree. The kids need shoes so we all get dragged to the store. The Christmas trees (already. for crying ou. ) in the kids section has got homemade ornaments like these. http://imgur. com/a/CTEuA My oldest comes up to me and says Hey daddy, it's a strawberry tree. and I'm like Strawberry. come on, a blueberry tree at least. and then he goes No, a STRAWberry, geddit, STRAWberry. Yes, son","*Wipes tear* Yes I do geddit" +"My twin preschool boys were playing with foam letters in the bathtub. One happened to put the letter T into a toy stacking cup I was holding. I tried to give it to him but he didn't want it. So I turned to my other son and said, Hmm, guess it's not his cup of T","Neither 3yo got it so I had to tell someone" +"I am addicted to brake fluid, but. I can stop whenever","I want" +"Got my girlfriend pretty good. Me:. I should get to bed, its 12:12. Her:. Actually its 12:13. Me: well. I guess the times have changed","Her: why do you say these things" +"I've just attacked a blind psychic","Bet he never saw that coming" +"middle-aged guy next to me in the pub yesterday asked the barman if they have a lighter . but they only had matches. so he took them and said they'll do just fine. thank you very . *match* and yes, he paused, did the finger gun and winked","surely he was a dad" +"Told my dad I wanted a dishwasher for Christmas So he give me [this](http://imgur","com/Bsfj1Yw)" +"So much talk of politics everywhere. I've got photo proof that this sub has been divided http://m. imgur","com/uG85mWf" +"Did anyone see the questions on that math test","It was in tenths" +"So some string walks into a bar after a hard day at work And he says, bartender I've a had a really hard day at work I need a drink. And the bartender then says, wait you're a piece of string, I can't serve you. So the string leaves. Then he gets an idea, he ties himself in a knot and unravels his ends. Then he walks back in and the bartender says, hey aren't you that string that just left","To which he replies, Nope, I'm a frayed knot" +"A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. Not a chance. says the husband. It's three o'clock in the morning. He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was that. asked his wife. Just some drunk guy asking for a push. he answers. Did you help him. she asks. No, I did not. It's three in the morning and it's pouring out. Well, you have a short memory. says his wife. Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us. I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself. The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, Hello, are you still there. Yes. comes back the answer. Do you still need a push. calls out the husband. Yes, please. comes the reply from the dark. Where are you. asks the husband","Over here, on the swing" +"In honor of Charlie, here are my two favorite French Dadjokes. [Why did the frenchman only eat one egg for breakfast. ](/s Because one egg is une œuf ) and for the second one, >Two men, an American and a Frenchman were standing at a river. Each one had a cat. The American's cat's name was 'One Two Three', and the French cat's name was Une Deux Trois. >Both men needed to cross the river so they decided to build a raft together. However, as they began to float across the river, it broke apart and both of them were washed away. Their two animals however began swimming to the other side. Which one, the American or French one made it to the other shore. [Which one made it","](/s Obviously the American one, because Une Deux Trois cat sank" +"The chair Dad: Who's in my chair. My brother: Me Dad: Wrong","The person who is leaving my chair" +"How do crabs evade taxes","They set up shell corporations" +"no, it's the pasta","Is apparently the incorrect response to does this dress make me look fat?" +"A family drives past a meadow. the father points at a bunch of cows and says look, there's a flock of cows. The kids stare at him and correct him, telling him that it's a herd of cows","The father turns to them and says of course I've heard of cows, there's a whole flock of them over there" +"Getting off the airplane today, I asked my wife and son if they have everything. Phone. Earbuds. Etc. My son looks at me and asked, did you get my soul",", I said, no, look under your feet, you should have two" +"What did the introverted monk say to his friends when they invited him out of the temple for a hike","Nah, I'ma stay" +"My 9 year old: Why did the plane go down the runway","Because it was a model" +"TIL that Noah had a college degree","His major was arkeology" +"Wife is suffering from allergies This morning's text-change Wife: I'm having bad allergies Me: Maybe you should trade for good ones. Wife: poker face This afternoon's exchange Wife: My ears are killing me Me: Is it safe to say they are. murderears. Wife: poker face Wife:","Wife: I hate you" +"Every single time my dad sees a boat being towed. [He says this. ](https://i. imgur. com/unZLvsG","jpg)" +"My mom got really upset when. I threw our butter out of my window","I just wanted to see a butterfly" +"Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth","Then it just becomes *a soap opera*" +"I don't always tell dad jokes. But when","I do, he laughs" +"What is the most emotional fabric","Felt" +"What do you call a rude oil","Crude Didn't c that coming Huh" +"Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. The Mexican people loved Mayonnaise so much and this loss was so devastating that the Mexican people declared a National day of Mourning which happens every year on the day the shipment was supposed to arrive","This day of course is May 5th or more commonly known as Sinko de Mayo" +"What do you call a fish that smokes","A puffer fish" +"Railway companies must be nuts","After all, they have loco-motives" +"Why don't seagulls fly over the bay. Because if they did, they would be baygulls","You're welcome" +"I just got a letter from a herb and spice company demanding the $100 I owe them","If I don't pay them within a week, they have threatened to send the bay leafs around" +"Did you see the new movie about constipation. Oh of course you didn’t","It hasn’t come out yet" +"My dads news this afternoon","My dad text messaged my mom and said I have some good news and some bad news The good news is there's no bad news and the bad news is there's no good news" +"Yesterday I invented a new word","Plagiarism" +"I don't need a fork, dad. said my sister What kind of dad do you need. A spoon dad","i have to live with this" +"Which part of an insect is the coolest","The bee’s knees" +"What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts. Heard this on a radio commercial","Beer nuts are just under a dollar, deer nuts are just under a buck" +"Did you know Moses was the first person to use the internet","He got information from the cloud and posted it to his tablet" +"Bilbo Baggins suddenly wakes up to the song Don’t Stop Believing","It was an unexpected Journey" +"How does a penguin build its house","Igloos it together" +"I lined up everybody. I ever wanted to punch in the face. And this is what","I call a punch line" +"What did Obama build during his career as president","Barracks" +"My 8yo Son just Dad-joked me. SON: Dad, what's the second Tron movie Called. ME: Tron Legacy SON: What's the third Tron movie called. ME: I don't know; I'll have to look it up","SON: I don't know; I'll have to look it up --that's a pretty high-tech name" +"My wife showed me how she’d stab me if I ever cheated on her","The knife didn’t go all the way in, but I got the point" +"Don't buy flowers at a monastery","Because only you can prevent florist friars" +"Why cant a nose be longer than 11 inches","Because if it was it would be a foot" +"A friend of mine has starting collecting mirrors. Personally,","I don't know what he sees in them." +"My coworker left a dirty dish in the sink at work today [Who just leaves a dirty dish in the sink like this. ](http://i. imgur. com/jMq32mf","jpg)" +"I used to always be tired. Now","I'm just retired" +"You know what they say about grandfather clocks","They're old timers" +"My grandmother is getting cremated in Kentucky","Not sure if I should get original or extra crispy" +"I've come up with a new theory on inertia","But it doesn't seem to be gaining momentum" +"How do you make a Kleenex dance","Put a little boogie in it" +"If Michelle Obama were to run for president in 2020 on the campaign promise of legalizing marijuana, what would her campaign slogan be","When they go low, we get high" +"My dad got me some frozen yogurt. http://imgur","com/E536qZx" +"My gf cant find her Glasses Her: Where are they I cant find them. frantically throwing everything around looking for the mysteriously vanishing spectacles Me: Did you check the bathroom. Her: YES. I cant believe this I'm about to lose it. Me: Aren't they already lost","Ill be here allllll week" +"I told my fiancé that I have a sensitive tooth","I won't offend it then I think you could hear my eyes rolling" +"How do you keep Canadian Bacon from curling","Take away its tiny brooms" +"After joining the sub r/osha. The phrase look ma, no hands","had a whole new meaning" +"It's not every day you get the chance to get a politician http://i. imgur. com/3IO9ce8","png" +"Did you hear about the burger who kept making jokes","He was on a roll" +"What's the opposite of a contour","A pro tour" +"Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm it would be","JustWater" +"It's been a rough year. I've been to 3 funerals","And I'm not a mourning person" +"How do you improve your archery","With better arrow dynamics" +"Today I met a guy whose last name was Rapier. I thought it was an awesome name, until he told me people sometimes think it's pronounced raper","I guess his name is a double-edged sword" +"Hey everyone, thanks for keeping this community awesome, but due to several reasons,. I've decided to stop making dad jokes, here's why","Why" +"I saw a mechanic fixing the tailpipe of a car","It looked exhausting" +"I recently came across a business opportunity to produce bombs disguised as prayer mats","The salesman assured me the prophets would go through the roof" +"I have never liked boring women","Which is why I keep my mouth closed" +"Why did the astronaut leave his wife","He needed some space" +"The iPhone. Xs and. Xr are both going to be over 1200$. Isn’t that a bit","X-S-ive?" +"How do you know when a large intestine is telling a dad joke to the small intestine","He’s saying it ingest" +"Woman: My dog swallowed my engagement ring","Now all I have is a diamond in the ruff" +"The moon landing was fake","It still hasn't landed" +"I should have got more ketchup","Heinz sight is 20/20." +"What do you call a cow with no legs","Ground Beef" +"My wife and son got me. SON (3 years old): Blahdiddy blah blah blah. ME: I don't understand. You're just saying nonsense","WIFE: No, daddy, nonsense sounds like this: nonsense" +"Scientists could make a pencil with both sides as erasers","But what would be the point" +"Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes but no lighters or matches. What should they do. Toss one of the cigarettes overboard","Then the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter" +"How do you put a astronauts baby to sleep","You rock-it" +"I don’t usually tell dad jokes. But when","I do, he usually laughs" +"Why do birds fly south for the winter","Because it's too far to walk" +"What is a tiny plank of wood with nothing to do","A little bored" +"Dadjoked a friend of mine who recently passed the CA bar exam. Me: Congrats, but make sure you don't let your clients know about your love of U2. Friend: Why","Me: They'll think you're Pro Bono :(" +"What do you call a secret society of cheeses","The Hallouminati" +"Hey Dad. i finally found out what powers the legs","E-LEG-TRICITY" +"Memphis. TN has the highest average obesity rates","Guess you could say its obese city" +"What advice did the font have for his son","Be **bold**" +"Egyptian pharaohs used to time their flatulence so everyone in the palace would fart simultaneously","They were required to toot in common" +"if you witness a robbery at an apple store, what are you","An Iwitness" +"What do you call an animal that only walks in straight lines","Not-turnal" +"My mom had a bit of a panic this morning when none of the gifts were wrapped. My dad said not to worry","He's doing them presently" +"Just learned the word for constipation in. German","Farfrompoopen" +"You'll never guess who I bumped into at the opticians the other day","Everyone" +"My uber driver's first job is a dad Driver: So Resetspls, if I ask you how many seconds are in a year, with out your phone or any calculator, could you tell me Honestly no. Driver: 12 Uhhhh. Driver: Can I do the math Of course, please Driver: January 2nd, February 2nd","" +"Hey dad, how're you feeling. Not good. got that bird flu. What bird flu. Chirpees","they say it's un-tweetable" +"Got my boyfriend with this subtle one Walking down the street and we see a sneaker by the sidewalk. A little while later we see a boot","I say, Man, people are losing their shoes left and right around here" +"My daughter says she finds all school subjects boring. But. I disagree,","English is lit" +"Ever wondered what to say to your sister when she’s crying","“Are you having a crisis" +"A new strain of head lice was discovered that is resistant to drugs","The problem has left scientists scratching their heads" +"Went to the store to find some margarine. Was disappointed","I've seen butter" +"How do you say goodbye to an urban skateboarder","See ya later alley skater" +"My dad refuses to buy a smartwatch","He said he's counter-clockwise" +"Why don't seals become DJs","They're afraid of club hits" +"Anyone know why Ariel, The Little Mermaid wears seashells. Because b-shells are too small and d-shells are too big","🦀🐠" +"Happy 4th my fellow Americans What dance was popular in 1776","Indepen-dance" +"What did the pumpkin say when ur was surprised. Oh my gourd-ness. Just thought of this as I anticipate my impending fatherhood. My high school students did not approve","Silly kids" +"Why was the casket sent to hospital","It's coffin" +"How does Darth Vader like his toast. On the dark side","This joke was a little forced" +"A girl asked me if I wanted to have dinner tonight","I like to have dinner every night" +"A woman is dancing with a Navy officer at a military ball. She ask him, So what exactly is it that you do in the military. He responds, I am a Naval surgeon Ma'am","She says, Oh my, you doctors certainly do specialize these days" +"So proud of myself for this one. What do you call Zeus's vegetable son","Brocules" +"What do you call someone with no nose","Nobody knows" +"At the end of the class, I asked my physics professor, “Would you tell me what happened before The Big Bang. ” He said, “Sorry I can’t","There’s no Time" +"I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work","It was a quick pit stop" +"Have you heard the rumor about butter","Never mind, I don't want to spread it" +"What do you call a exploding monkey","A baboom" +"I can’t even stop that pointy eared tree mouse from stealing my food. It’s safe to say","I hate mice elf" +"My girlfriend was born in Donets'k We were having a very deep discussion about plans for the future. Kids, marriage, etc. She says, don't freak out or anything, I'm not rushing. Of course not, I said, you're Ukrainian","She pointed to the door and said, get out" +"Have you heard of a band called 1023MB","That haven't got a gig yet" +"I tried to buy a Mortal Kombat soundtrack","But all I could find were Finnish Hymms" +"My brother, ladies and gentlemen Me (after discovering that no one told me we had cookies): 'I feel I've been lied to by omission","' My brother: 'Who's Omission" +"Bats are not blind People who say bats can't see are just stupid","How else can they hit baseballs so well" +"Pizza jokes are really hard to get right","it's all in the delivery" +"Plan A So, my mother was talking about summer holidays and said Well, for tomorrow my plans are","At that moment my dad interrupts her and says We don't care, just tell us about plan A, instead of talking about plan R didn't know whether to laugh or to cry" +"I shot my first turkey today","Everyone at the frozen food section started freaking out though" +"Welcome to the plastic surgery addiction support group","I see a lot of new faces in the room" +"I'm a 4ft tall meteorologist on prime time TV and I get sick regularly","I've been under the weather for several years" +"My girlfriend said to me that we need to be more spontaneous. Sure","I said, When" +"A. Stranger. Major. Time. Dad-Joked. Me. I saw a guy with a tattoo of some rabbits on his bald head, when","I asked him why, he said, From a distance they look like hares." +"Saw an old man jumping around and waving his arms to get his neighbor’s attention","He must’ve been at deaf’s door" +"Always buy two puppies. You should always buy two puppies and name them 'one' and 'two'","Incase one runs away, you still have two." +"Today. I discovered what a taser does","It was shocking." +"Why are millennials so odd","Because they literally just can't even" +"What did the painter do when it got cold","He put on another coat" +"This year, give. Mom the gift of. Microsoft. Office. Word to your","Mother" +"I bet 50 quid the butcher couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf","He said he won’t because the stakes are too high" +"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh","Ten tickles" +"My wife got me with this one today Me You know, I actually don't mind period sex","Wife I'll wear the corset, if you wear the bustle" +"Why don’t they let dogs in bars","Because they can’t hold their licker" +"What game did the polite German farmers play as a kid","Gluten tag" +"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer","I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day" +"I forgot the card again. As my gf and I were going out to celebrate a friend's birthday, we had already forgot to put the card in her purse earlier. And once we get in the car: Gf: I forgot the card again. Me: Hmm, that's strange, it looks like you have it on. Gf: What do you mean. Where is. She looks down at the sweater she's wearing","Gf: Oh you asshole" +"Driving to work this morning My son and I are driving to work this morning. See something squished on the road ahead. Son: What is that. Son: A possum. Me: Possum-bly","Son:" +"Riding my bike, saw this sign and thought of all you dad jokers out there. http://i. imgur. com/ShctGBU","jpg" +"People used to laugh at me because I wanted to be a comedian","Well nobody’s laughing now" +"My friend sent a picture in a group chat of her wearing 3 pairs of shades. I said You shouldn't go out in public like that. You would look shady. No one responded. I apologized for the lame joke. I tell lame jokes like this all the time and that might have been the last straw. What do I do","Help" +"What do you call a slot machine that spins really slow","A sloth machine" +"Why can astronauts carry everything they want in their spaceshuttle","Because theres enough space" +"A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. Nurse, ' he mumbles from behind the mask, are my testicles black. Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet. He struggles to ask again, Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black. Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine. The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, Thank you very much. That was wonderful","Now listen very, very, closely: Are - my - test - results - back" +"I needed a lawyer, so a friend referred me to his legal counsel. But I'm having a really hard time getting in touch with the guy","Goodman is hard to find" +"I watched 127. Hours for the first time last night. That movie was way shorter than","I thought it would be." +"What does the Dalia Lama say when he's asked to leave","Namaste" +"I wasn't sure how to use my computer mouse","But then it clicked" +"I went shopping at a cherry stand and then a microphone store. Bought a Bing","Bought a boom" +"What do you call a deer standing in the woods","STAG-nant" +"My nephew does well in marathons but poorly in the 100 yard dash","He's better off in the long run" +"I created a company that produces concrete airplanes","Let's just say it didn't take off" +"This post is just a placeholder [image](http://i. imgur. com/2ysqZZw","jpg)" +"What do you call someone who hates people with no toes","Lack-toes intolerant" +"Why did the chickens buy a memory foam mattress","Because they were no spring chickens" +"I've always made them but this one got me some good recognition I have always made dad jokes, when my fiancé got pregnant I was happy because I could get away with saying them now. I was at training for my new job the other day and we were booked in for lunch at a local steakhouse. The trainer was asking us about stake holders in the company and she said who are our stake holders","To which I replied I don't know but I will be a steak holder at lunch the rest of the class then all moaned and let me know how I was such a dad except for the other dad in the class who joined me laughing hysterically" +"Our baby. Ruth isn’t with us. We are","Ruthless" +"How was the Roman Empire cut in half","With a pair of Caesars" +"What did the blind fish say when it swam into the wall","Dam" +"Too Soon. My dad and I go visit my grand mother at her nursing home. We walk into her room and she had fallen on the floor and hit her head. Blood had pooled beside her","As the nurses come and get her into a chair her white hair was completely covered in blood, first thing my dad says after yelling for the nurses at least we know what she would look like as a red head" +"My dad was talking to his dad at dinner today. My grandfather was drafted and fought in Vietnam for 11 months Dad: Did you have any issues when you got back from war. Granddad: Clearly","I met my wife" +"A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage","Sadly, he lost the case" +"I got a ticket for avoiding an accident","Cop said I was driving wrecklessly" +"What is the difference between a mosquito and fly","A mosquito can fly but a fly cannot mosquito" +"What did Draco Malfoy say when he turned into a fish","*My father will be herring about this*" +"What is the difference between child birth and pizza","Ones delivered the other is digiorno" +"Why did the Math book look so sad","Because it had a lot of problems" +"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is","No sun" +"How many objectophiliacs does it take to screw a lightbulb","One, if he's horny enough" +"What's the difference between a bus station and a lobster with breast implants","One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean" +"Two men walked into a bar","You’d have thought the second guy would duck" +"I don't always tell dad jokes","but when I do, he usually laughs" +"I spilled the litter box when I was cleaning it","It was quite the cat ass trophy" +"Why did the junkies climb the mountain","So that they could get high" +"I was also told my jokes are cheesy. But. I don't give","Edam." +"I don't understand why record stores are failing","They have record sales every year" +"What do you call a camouflaged bear","BEARly visible" +"My dad said this to me after looking at his phone. Did you know it's groundhog day tommorow. 5 seconds later. Did you know its groundhog day tommorow","Obviously followed by a mild groan from me and a big chuckle from him" +"A blind man walks into a bar. I mean, what did you expect","He’s blind" +"Why is there no windows 9","Because windows 7 8 9" +"Why is the sea salty","Because the land dint wave" +"Why did Mickey Mouse go to space","He wanted to find Pluto" +"Do you know how you can tell the gender of an ant by dropping it in a glass of water. If it sinks: girl ant","If it floats: boyant" +"With marijuana legal in Colorado, it's now more dangerous to be a cowboy than ever","the steaks are high" +"Why do people in Athens hate getting up early","Because Dawn is tough on Greece" +"I was washing the car with my son, when he looked up at me and said","“Dad, can’t you just use a sponge" +"My son asked me how you make a root beer float Son: How do you make a root bear float","Me: Put it in a life raft" +"My husband and I were making dinner, and I asked him what I should cook the collards in","He suggested I use former Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Alan Greens-pan" +"I had this whole joke ready about birds but I forgot it","I guess I have to wing it now" +"(*in a late night TV voice*) Have you been wearing glasses during the pandemic. Have you been wearing your mask","You may be entitled to condensation" +"If you don't drink all your milk","Some cow will be udderly disappointed." +"I promise this will be a short story","^story" +"My Econ professor just dropped this groaner Professor: Someone explain to me what a paradox is. Student: A paradox is a statement that apparently contradicts itself and yet might be true. Most logical paradoxes are known to be invalid arguments but are still valuable in promoting critical thinking","Professor: That would be incorrect, the correct answer would be two medical professionals working together" +"I kissed an anesthesiologist the other day","I honestly felt nothing" +"Do you want me to say my Van Gogh joke. You do. Alright then","Ear goes" +"I don't think the founder of Reddit should marry Serena Williams","Like most tennis players, love means nothing to her" +"When I realized how terrible the play was, I quietly resigned from my job as a stage designer","I left without making a scene" +"Girlfriend looked up the definition of 'ply' She texts me, ply has a lot of definitions","I respond, yeah, ply would" +"Why do cats hate NASA","Because Curiosity killed the cat" +"'Hey kids, did you know no one living around here is allowed to be buried in that cemetery. ' 'Why not","' 'Because they're not dead yet'" +"I used to work in a mirror factory","It was easy work so I had a lot of time for reflection" +"How does the little person chef say hello","with a microwave" +"What kind of dog doesn't bark","A hush puppy" +"How did the murderer do on his math test","He killed it" +"It's raining hippies Do you know what the weather is going to be like today. - My wife Let me check. *pulls out phone* It's 48 now, should be a high of 66 today, but rainy. Rainy. Really. Seems it wont start until 6pm. So it'll be, like, in the 60's for most of the day then. I really don't know, my forecast only shows the weather forward in time","*death glare*" +"This was one of my husband's favorite One of our kids chores was to wash dishes by hand until we bought a dishwasher","When we finally did buy one he used to like to tell people we had to buy a new dishwasher, because our old one made too much noise" +"How does a noob clean his house","He scrubs it" +"The ends. Wife (making sandwiches and referring to the end slices of bread): “Do you want the ends. ” Me: as long as they justify the means","” Wife: (groans)" +"My dad gave me a simple job: nail down the floorboards","I screwed up" +"My dad got some poo shaped juggling balls for Christmas Several hours after we had just finished a game of articulate. Really excitedly my dad says Hey boys. Look, look. and started trying to juggle them. Of course he was hopeless, and dropped them. So he said. I always knew I was a shit juggler","And he was so proud of it" +"Where's a pirates favorite place to eat","ARRRRRRrrrrrrrrrby's" +"What do you call someone who hates feet","Lack toes intolerant" +"Why can't desalinization be explained mathematically","When the water evaporates, there is no longer any solution" +"What’s the 9 letters of the pirate alphabet","(CORNY ALERT) R, I, and the seven c’s (Say aloud) XD this made me laugh, hope it brightens your day" +"At O&B with Dad. Hostess: 'Do you have reservations. ' Dad: 'No","I'm confident I want to eat here" +"I hate when people ask me what. I’m going to be doing in 2 years. Come on guys,","I don’t have 2020 vision!" +"My brother and I were carrying a couch downstairs","My dad while carrying a lamp: Looks like I got the light load" +"How do you say hello to a muscular person","Buffalo" +"Kids dispute over the color of a spicy root vegetable Kid 1: They're red. Kid 2: No, purple.","Dad: I'd call it sort of radish-purple" +"What science studies Canadian people","Anthr-apology" +"Inspector Clouseau checks into a hotel. After speaking with a clerk and securing a room, he turns to go upstairs when he spots a dog lying on the ground “Does your dog bite. ” Clouseau asks the clerk. “No,” he replies. Clouseau bends to pet the dog, but the dog snaps and bites his hand. Clouseau is shocked. “I thought you said your dog did not bite","” “That is not my dog,” says the clerk" +"Why is it called boob sweat","When it can be called humidtitties" +"I like the warm weather, it keeps me warm","This was my warm-up joke" +"When your dad goes to the strip club","are you twerking hard, or hardly twerking" +"They're re-doing the sewage system around my work with a giant boring machine","It's not very exciting" +"Did you know Bonnie Tyler has released a cardiology DVD","It's totally clips of the heart" +"Why do nurses always bring red crayons to work","In case they need to draw blood" +"I found out. I'm colorblind","The diagnosis came out of the purple" +"Why is 16 always full","Because it 8 and 8" +"My dad at my Grandmother's Funeral My grandmother was cremated and we were having a service to pay our respects. I was scared and didn't want to go up to the altar alone so my dad went with me. We stood there, side by side, and stared in reverent silence at the small simple wooden box which was holding my grandmother's ashes. After a minute or so passed my father bowed slightly, leaning in with what I assumed would be words of wisdom and said, your grandmother was a lot smaller than I remember. I had to fight just not to bust out laughing in a room full of mourners. *I was told to cross post this here from an [askreddit thread](http://www. reddit","com/r/AskReddit/comments/23rdqc/whats_the_worst_possible_thing_to_say_at_a_funeral/cgzwq2x) yesterday*" +"My friend said he had to go to several seminars this week","Friend: I've got a series of seminars this week Me: Do they add up to a full nar" +"I’ve never been particularly fond of outer space. But the rotation of the","Earth really makes my day" +"Someone stole my mood ring today. I don't know how to feel about that","My 70 year old uncle posted this on Facebook" +"Why are fishermen thr best to date","Because they only want a reel relationship" +"What is a row of iron cats","A [Fe] line" +"Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl","If it were a guy we’d have to call it the Mistersippi River" +"If H2O is Water and H2O2 is Hydrogen Peroxide, What is H2O4","Drinking" +"Son says to dad: ‘Dad make me a sandwich’","Dad goes: ‘poof, you’re a sandwich’" +"I've never played Battleship B4","Sorry, this pun is a bit hit or miss" +"My wife got angry at me, so. I draped a towel down her back. Now she's. SUPER","ANGRY." +"Can February march","No, but April may" +"Poop jokes aren’t my favorite type of jokes","But there a solid number 2" +"Why didn't the Terminator upgrade to Windows 10 yet","When I asked him he said I still love vista baby" +"During a recent camping trip, my son rigged his drone to paddle his canoe for him. He called it the DronePaddle3000","I just call it a Rowbot" +"Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand","stop, drop and roll" +"My dad was very sad. So I gave him an orange soda","He's feeling Fanta-stic now" +"Breaking News - Man born without stomach","wins Nobelly Prize" +"I used to be obsessed with the idea of playing football with random items of clothing. However, after stealing from a nun's wardrobe to feed my addiction, I soon saw the error of my ways","It was a difficult habit to kick" +"My dad got my sister on Halloween She was dressing up as a cat, and as she was leaving, I yelled SLUT. She seemed offended and said no, I'm a cat. Then my dad said Hell no you aren't, you lion cheetah","Pretty corny, but that's my dad" +"My name's Mike and now my mom has another reason to be sick of me Have you seen my key","Mikey's right here" +"What do you call a woman who drives a Cadillac","An Escalady" +"Why can't Mr. Clean have babies","[NSFW] Because he comes in a bottle" +"My dad thinks we should legalize marijuana now too","because a man that lies with another man should be stoned" +"What do you call Syrian dairy farmers","Cheese Kurds" +"Why can't your nose be twelve inches long","Cuz then it would be a foot" +"My wife sent me an article about sandpaper spouses","I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE" +"What’s the best food to eat at the library. Sshhhhh","kabob" +"What do Mongols use to cut down trees","Tartar saws" +"What did the leper say to the prostitute","Keep the tip" +"There's always a difference What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman","- Snowballs" +"the barista who didn't show up on time. She was","Cafe-Au-Late" +"So my wife wondered how the pancakes got into our shopping trolly","I said maybe they crêped in there." +"My wife was yelling and upset with me that I couldn't figure out the exact route to her parents house in Canada from our place in Ohio","I told her it was border line abuse" +"It take me 5 minutes to walk from my house to the bar, but it takes me 30 minutes to walk from the bar to my house","The difference is staggering" +"Dad accidentally stepped on a burial site","It was a grave mistake" +"I almost didn't catch it We were looking for a movie to watch and I stumbled across Mouse Hunt. Great. I mention to my husband I haven't seen the movie in a long time and neither has he. He asks if I liked the movie, I said it was ok","He then said It's a little cheesy" +"Whenever. I cut vegetables,. I always try to cry","Just so onions don’t think they’re ugly or something." +"What do you call a belt made of watches","A waist of time" +"How do you make Budweiser. You send him to school","My grandpa had some awesome dad jokes in his time" +"Where do you find a turtle with no legs","Right where you left him" +"What do hairdressers do","Curl up and dye" +"I broke up with my dentist girlfriend","She always tried to get to the root of my problems and ended up striking a nerve every time." +"I can’t believe this. Someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick","Seriously, how low can you go" +"I want to start a championship winning hide-and-seek team","But good players are hard to find" +"Two pet owners got together for a weekly public discussion on the Internet","They called it their Pawed Cast" +"Dad joked my wife about her ankle. Wife: I just got done running. I ended up twisting my ankle. Me: Phew, good thing you didn't twist your ankle on Wednesday. Wife:","Me: Because then you would have rolled a joint on 4/20" +"What is it called when someone gets in trouble for too much wordplay","Pun-intended consequences" +"A man died in a tragic skydiving accident","Many say he left the impact on the world" +"A new type of tree species was found to have a Maple Tree's core but the exterior of a Pine Tree","Many say that it's barking up the wrong tree" +"My girl told me she eats so much, if there are infinite possible universes she weighs 400 pounds in most of them. I said, Whoa","That's heavy" +"What do kings like to do at the strip club","Make it reign" +"What animal is legally allowed to carry a firearm. Bears","they have a right to bear arms" +"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back. A boomerang","(Sorry if it's not funny, but it's true)" +"If you're ever feeling lonely, just remember","Every day is a date" +"I once missed class because of hypothermia","I was too cool for school" +"What did the man say when he drove his car in reverse","“Oh man, this takes me back”" +"Dad likes leftovers wrapped in waxed paper, but mom never does it","Foiled again" +"Why do teenage daughters only travel in odd numbers","Uch, they can't even" +"Why couldn't the broken stopwatch tell a good joke","His timing was always off" +"Have you heard the one about the three holes in the ground filled with water. No","Well well well" +"Why do the Lannisters have such big beds","Because they push two twins together to make a King" +"Lifehack for. Buddhists. Get. Reddit, easy","Karma" +"Rapper Murs just posted this to his twitter http://imgur","com/EzyqiAD" +"Hey, dad, I'm running to the store, need anything","No, I'm good but I really think you should walk, it's pretty far" +"I watched Back to the Future over and over, and I finally understand the point of the movie","It's about time" +"What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday","I'll never part with it" +"“Doctor, I am having some hearing issues. ” Doctor: “Can you describe the symptoms. ” “Sure","Homer is fat, and Bart is an ass" +"How many wives can a man have","Sixteen: Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer" +"Actual dad joke I heard in the supermarket A dad was with his daughter and she was looking for hair dye and he said","Don't get that red colour you got last time, it made you a transginger" +"I dig, you dig, she digs, he digs, we dig, they dig. It may not be a good poem","but it’s very deep" +"What do british krakens eat","Fish and ships" +"Man walks into interveiw Interveiwer: How good are you at PowerPoint. Man: I Excel at it. Interveiwer: Was that supposed to be a Microsoft Office joke","Man: Word" +"From my daughters mouth - What type of Dragon has no Teeth, Claws or Wings but Wheels","A Waaaagon" +"I got dadjoked by my 11 yo son. After his baseball game, we picked up some take-out food for the family. Driving home and now dark, he and I see three people walking along the shoulder of our street, all wearing dark clothes. I almost hit one of them. I say, shaking my head, Look at these idiots, wearing dark clothes at night. someone's gonna get run over. He replies, from the back seat, Yeah","they're not too *bright*" +"Please join me in remembering my sister, she would have been 28 today","But she was born overdue and her birthday is next week" +"Why don't the X-men let Colossus participate in their talent shows","Because he always steels the show" +"Me: guess who I saw today Daughter: who","Me: everyone I looked at Daughter: starts to walk away Me: I'm sorry was that too cornea for you" +"What's a leper's favorite Post Malone song","I fall apart" +"I bought a book on procrastination","I still haven't started reading yet" +"What do you call a boomerang that won't come back","A stick" +"Did you know that Stephen King's son is Joe","I'm not joking but he is" +"I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…","The servers are currently down..." +"I might stop using straws","This is the final straw" +"Why are dolphins so smart","They're always in a school" +"My friend built a bookcase. He didn't think it looked very good though","I told him he was being too shelf conscious" +"I’ve gotten behind in my Scrabble Club membership","Now they’re sending me threatening letters" +"Dad jokes aren't for everyone, but just in case here's an example","Example" +"I love going outdoors","It's much safe than going outwindows" +"What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals","Phillipe Phillope" +"My doctor said that I should try to reduce my stress","Great, one more thing to worry about" +"Whats blue and not very heavy","Light blue" +"I just bought an island","The kitchen has never looked better" +"Dad got me while shopping for dog treats We walked over to the pets section to get some treats for the dogs, when I notice a treat called 'Pig Ears'. I want sure if they actually took ears of the pigs, or if it was just meat that was shaped/flavored like that. Dad, are those really pig ears. Well yeah, have you ever asked this to a pig without ears. He probably couldn't hear you","-" +"Dad got me on Skype. I was telling my parents who live abroad the process of flying my cat home from college in the US. So after I contact a broker in the Animal Quarantine department there and get their details, I have to contact United again and give them all the info about Sammy: the broker's contact, age/weight, size of the kennel. Dad: Why do they need to know the broker's weight","Uuuuugggghhhhh" +"Why did Thor only invite his brother to his party","He wanted to keep it low key" +"I didn't get Apollo 13","because I didn't see 1 through 12" +"My girlfriend just told me about a contraceptive that has a 100% success rate","It's inconceivable" +"Why is the ocean blue. Because the fish go blu, blu","blu blu" +"I tried to attend a seminar for kleptomaniacs","All the seats were already taken" +"You might not like your haircut","But it will grow on you" +"Why didn't the emu like being fitted for new clothes","Because they ostrichsized him" +"Did you hear about the millennial wine snob","He decan't even" +"I was telling my architect friends how much I love M. Escher","They all gave me some weird stairs" +"What did the egg say to the clown","you crack me up" +"I went to the park the other day to feed the birds","to my cat" +"Came out to my girlfriend today. She was buying tickets to a show, and the theater is separated into two sections. **Her:** Do you want to sit in the upper or lower section. **Me:** Top or bottom. It doesn't matter, I'm bi-sectional","I got a good glare, and a sense that I'm sleeping on the sofa tonight" +"What did the traffic light say to the car","Don’t look, I’m changing" +"A student was writing a paper for school and kept mixing up the words burro and burrow","The teacher told him you don't know your ass from a hole in the ground" +"Why does math make some people uncomfortable","Because a lot of the time it's manipulative" +"What did the mathematician say when his arms turned into branches","Geometry" +"The fridge was making a noise Son: Dad, why is the refridgerator humming. Me: Because it doesn't know the words","My wife just shakes her head and my son got confused for a few seconds" +"My wife and I are both diagonal sleepers","We have X every night" +"My wife has got to be tired of this one by now. Wife: Honey, where is my phone. (she always loses it) Me: I don't know. Wife: Can you call it","Me: ELISE'S PHONE" +"Did you hear about the guy who flipped his Sweedish car","It was a real Saab story" +"Hey, the house next door is having a garage sale. I wonder how much they're charging","I could really use a new garage" +"My ex got hit by a car. So","I asked her for the rundown" +"My neighbor was telling stories He mentioned his wife's sister, who grew up on a farm, was kicked out of FFA (Future Farmers of America). How. She couldn't keep her calves together","The collective groaning was incredible" +"I gave the art restoration people very simple instructions","If it ain't baroque, don't fix it" +"Why did the golfer bring two pair of pants","Just in case he got a hole in one" +"My wife was late for work and asked me to call her a cab. I said You're a cab , sent her stepfather into a laugh attack, and got the best I'll kill you in your sleep -Look I could've hoped for","And yes, I am a dad 3 times over" +"What do you call an arrogant criminal running down the stairs","A condescending con descending" +"I’m no athlete, but I’m proud to say I ran two marathons in one day","My first and my last" +"How do you think the unthinkable","With an ithberg" +"I told my husband I hate my haircut","He replied Don't worry, it'll grow on you" +"What is it called when a butcher accidentally kills a cow that wasn’t supposed to be killed","A misteak" +"Do you know any good photography jokes","Negative" +"What is the best thing about living in Switzerland","Well you know, the flags a big plus" +"What did the tree say to the lumberjack","I'm falling for you" +"Today, my dad told me how a pirate lets you know he's 80 years old","Aye, Matey" +"What does a selfish stool need to learn","He must chair" +"Apple is coming out with the. I-Car in 2021. But you won't be able to see out of it, because you can't install. Windows on. Apple","Products." +"Why did Disney make frozen 2","Because they couldn't let it go" +"Why are glasses helpful for math students","Because it helps with da vision" +"A ham sandwich walks into a bar","He orders a beer but the bartender says, Sorry we don't serve food here." +"What do you call cold Mexican food","A brrrrito" +"Dad got my mom at dinner My family was sitting at the table just before dinner. My dad was finger drumming on the table and my mom, irritated, told him to quit. My dad, without hesitation, looked her in the eye and said Momma didn't raise no quitter. and kept drumming away","I can only hope to be such a man one day" +"What do you do when you're an airplane at a fashion show and you don't know what you're doing","Just go down the runway as fast as you can and wing it" +"I went into a website and a Pepsi ad appeared. The page reloaded","It was refreshing" +"Why did the hipster burn his tongue when he took a sip of his coffee","He drank it before it was cool" +"Today at dinner, my father dropped this. I Cried when my dad chopped onions. I miss onions","Onion was a good dog" +"At the Walk-In clinic today. Wife is sick, so we went to the walk-in clinic in town. While in the waiting room, I took the 7 month old to go look at their giant fish tank where I sadly found one laying flat on the bottom not moving. So I went to the front desk to give them a heads up. I said Hey I don't know if you guys know but you have a fish over laying on the bottom not moving. The lady said oh no that's not good, we should call the maintenance guy. I said Yeah I don't know if you guys have a swim-up clinic or not, but I'd get him checked in ASAP","Groans all around" +"I was at the mall and this dad walked past a display car","He turned to his daughter and said I don't think they're supposed to park here" +"What do you call someone who was fired from a cannon","Unemployed" +"What do you get when dolls wait in line to try some grilled meat","Barbie queue" +"My friend was arrested because he was carving equations into a block of quartz","He was charged with manufacturing crystal math" +"I was going to learn how to juggle, but I was too afraid things would get out of hand","And who am I kidding, I just didn't have the balls" +"What type of drugs do ducks do","Quack" +"What did the dog achieve at university","A pedidegree" +"Do you know where I store all my dad jokes","In a dad-a--base" +"What do you call an eagle out on the sea","A seagull" +"Why did the Irishman make his chili with only 239 beans. Because if he added one more","it’d be “too fawty”" +"What kind of shoes do frogs wear","Open toad" +"GF got me and I have never been so happy She generally groans or rolls her eyes at my cornucopia of dad jokes but today I said I'm tired and without missing a beat she replied Hi Tired. She then got me again about half an hour later when I said I'm asleep Hi Asleep","I have never been so proud in my life" +"What does a triceratops sit on","Its Tricera-bottom" +"I couldn't find a daycare for my son So I sent him to the army, he's in the infantry","Slaps knee" +"My dad just celebrated 10 years sober. Not in a row though, 20 minutes here, 3 hours there","(My dad is actually starting to do stand up and I just watched a video of him and he said this verbatim)" +"What did the potato say to get the root party rocking","Turnip the beets" +"Whats the diferance between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants","Ones a crusty bus station and the others a busty crustacean" +"Dad: I'd give my left arm to be ambidextrous http://i. imgur. com/7Q8kNxF","jpg" +"What is a gay men with an erection","A homo herectus" +"They're having a pullup competition at the gym tonight","These guys really know how to Pamper themselves" +"Singing in the shower is great until you get shampoo in your mouth","Then it's a soap opera" +"Michael Jackson said it didn't matter if You're black or white","Which has really helped my chess game" +"Just a standard conversation with my dad. http://i. imgur. com/Xp8DaVY","png" +"What colour is wind","Blew" +"What is a rubber dog’s favorite thing to fetch","An ela-stick Ok I’ll admit it: that one was a bit of a stretch" +"Why aren’t two melons able to go to Vegas and get married","Because they cantaloupe" +"Why did the shopkeeper try to convert Jesus","He was trying to turn a prophet" +"A big thank you to Dad jokes. As a professional children's entertainer, finding the dad jokes thread has been a real blessing. I work mainly with children between the ages of four and eight, and, for obvious reasons, I need to keep my jokes clean. In my business, a groan is just as good as the laugh because it usually is accompanied by a smile. I'm afraid I don't know who started it, but the this paper says otherwise is easily one of my favorites. I took the liberty of having 500 business cards that say otherwise on them. I use them in my performances in a variety of ways. If I see a dad after my show who looks like the type who might enjoy a good pun, I will go up to him and ask him if he thought the show was good. Inevitably he will say yes, and I'll tell him that Unfortunately this card says otherwise. I then leave the dad with the card to use at his own behest. Just wanted to give a big shout out and a big thank you to the Dad jokes community for inspiration. People ask me what I do for a living and I tell them I'm the Jimmy Fallon to five-year-olds","Thanks so much for contributing all you guys do" +"I got in touch with my inner self the other day","I'm never buying cheap toilet paper again." +"I came back with the food for tonight's meal","I'm a supperhero" +"What does Harper Lee's ghost say","Boo Radley" +"Recently watched an Australian cooking show where the chef got applauded for making meringue Strange","usually Australians boo meringue" +"Im going to be a rapper called. Lil. Shit","When people ask why i will say i get inspired by what my mom calls me" +"Do we have any wraps. I asked my mom if we had any wraps in the fridge. She then proceeded to say no, they're right here. uh uh, I'm a mom. I'm the bomb","Uh uh tl;dr: my mom is my dad" +"There were a lot of complaints about gloves not fitting","It was really getting out of hand" +"Burned by the sun. and by Dad. Lobster is a good look for you. Hey, I didn't come here to be insulted","So where do you usually go" +"I'm starting to think hospitals aren't a very safe place","So many people die in them" +"Why do paramedics always come in twos","Because they're a pair o' medics" +"What's brown and rhymes with snoop Dr","Dre" +"What does a baby computer call its father","Data" +"Bit of a long shot","but does anyone know a sniper" +"A man walks into a bar","He says “ow, that hurt”" +"What's green and pouty","the incredible sulk" +"Why did the octopus have only six legs","Because it was two short" +"This untranslated word seems to describe this subreddit Jayus (Indonesian): a joke so poorly told and so unfunny that one cannot help but laugh","Prononciation: Jai-us" +"A man awoke in a hospital bed after a brutal accident. He shouted “doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs","” The doctor replied “I know you can’t, I’ve cut off your arms“" +"What did the countertop maker say to his client","We stand behind our product" +"My wife is the best wife. She’s quick with her hands, is a great team player and saves as much as she can to help the family","She’s a keeper" +"How do you get pikachu on a bus. >. Poke-him-on","< I laughed, but my mum didn't" +"What does a snail keep in his shell","his-cargo" +"My wife keeps telling me that i have no sense of direction","So i packed my stuff and right" +"My daughter was looking through the different sugars at a restaurant and asked me what the sugar substitute was","I told her that it's who replaces the regular sugar when it calls out sick for work" +"The Royal Norwegian Navy decided to put bar codes on all of their ships","Now they can Scandinavian" +"Just got my gf with this one. We were texting on new years eve and at about 1:00 am on new years day my gf's mother told her she had to go to bed","She told me it was bull shit so I said Well you have been up since last year and she then told me that i am ready to be a father now" +"My dad always used to tell me if you are gonna kill a clown","Go for the juggler" +"A conservative injured their leg","Now they're left leaning" +"So. I signed up on the dating site. Christian. Mingle","My username is ComeGetPslam" +"Where's my comb. My friends family was driving through DC the other day and they were looking for a certain Macomb street. Mom: Come on where's this street. Where's Macomb","Dad: Right next to Mabrush street" +"You know what's very odd","Numbers not divisible by 2" +"Why did the ghost go to the store","He was out of boos" +"I really like the way Comic Sans looks","I’m very font of it" +"Fellow Student: You look different without your glasses","Me: Everything looks different without my glasses" +"What kind of sausage are we using for breakfast. Grandpa: Jimmy Dean","I don't think it's actually him though, just his brand" +"Why does the skeleton go to church","It keeps him on the straight and marrow" +"Going out to eat Mom, Dad and I go out to dinner at Iron Hill. Waitress : Hi. My name is Katie and I'll be your server tonight. Dad : Hi Katie. I'm Jim, this is James and that's Sue and we will be your eaters tonight","Me : God Dammit Dad" +"Was talking to the wife about her choice in house decor, when. Dad : remember when you were so into owls. Mum: I was never into owls, that was the theme for The kids room. Dad : I swear it was owls, all I remember was a solid 2 months of owl this and that. Mum : ugh whatever, I don't even care. Dad : you mean you don't give a Hoot","Eye rolls ensued" +"The garbage man looks sad","Yeah, he's wheelie bin depressed" +"Hey Dad what am I allergic to. So I was getting vaccinated at my school today and the nurse asked me if I was allergic to anything, now I wasn't particularly sure so I called my dad","I asked him if I was allergic to anything and he just replies with House chores" +"You know what your grandma used to say","Neither does she so it's okay" +"A march in every continent My girlfriend told me that there was a march going on in every continent (including Antarctica. ) today to bring attention to Women's Rights. I told her that the same thing would happen in a little over a month","Every continent would have a March for the entire month" +"Two water fowl walk into a bar","The third one ducks" +"I hate Russian dolls","They are so full of themselves" +"Why don't people in Athens wake up early","Because dawn is tough on Greece" +"What do you call a fake ankle","A ***Simula-shin***" +"What do you call a deer with no eyes","No eyediea" +"Dad I’m cold","“Well, go sit in the corner it’s 90 degrees”" +"Isn't that usually the deal. http://i. imgur. com/M3VTZjK","jpg" +"Did you know the first French fries weren’t cooked in France","They were cooked in Greece" +"From my daughter. What did the man say when he spilled jam on himself","JAMMIT" +"I pulled this one on a client today I was explaining something to a client and a real estate agent when I am interrupted by a Train whistle. I pause waiting for it to end. I then continue my explanation. Only to get interrupted again for a good 15 seconds. After it ends. Me: Long pause. I'm sorry I've lost my train of thought. The agent chuckled. But I could hear everyone else rolling their eyes","" +"Dog walks into a bar. Old one, still good","A dog walks into the bar and says to the bartender, I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." +"If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn to","I guess, it'll just DYE" +"Why didn’t the shark want to fight the octopus","Because he knew the octopus was well-armed" +"An accountant was under review at his firm He was asked the value of a dozen dozens, to which he promptly replied 132 , instead of 144","He was fired for gross misrepresentation" +"I met all my fans last night,","It was pretty cool." +"My dad adopts an alter ego any time he farts. He starts shadow boxing and proclaiming he is Gaseous","Clay and he is the greatest" +"The earth’s flat","Back in my day, it was carbonated" +"Weight watchers Dad: to celebrate my joining weight watchers with you, let’s go get a dozen donuts each Mom: that’s crazy. Do you know how many points are in a dozen donuts Dad: just go on line and check Mom: ridiculous. A waste of time. It’s pointless Dad: touché","Let’s go" +"During an engineering class. Teacher: Anyone know what's holding them together. Student: Suction. Teacher: No. That answer sucked. Groans and chuckles come from all corners of the room","EDIT: golding" +"My friend was from America. He lived in Florida. It was 106 degrees Fahrenheit. His son said to him, Dad it's too hot in here","The Dad replied saying, Go down to the corner, it's only 90 degrees" +"We took my girlfriend's 11 y. niece to eat Cuban food Niece: Cuban food. Are we going to eat cubes. And when we got there, I swear this happened, there was a pork dish on the menu that was described as fried pork cubes","She ordered it" +"Only. YOU can prevent","Narcissism" +"I was shopping at the grocery store like it was 1999. That’s when I realized the party was over","Oops, they were out of thyme" +"Exercise like this is easy **I'm doing crunches twice a day now","** **Captain in the morning and Nestle's in the afternoon" +"My daughter was whining about her cold and sinus congestion","I told her it was all in her head" +"So Dad, who do you want to win in the Colts vs. Broncos game. Doesn't matter to me, son. I don't have a horse in the race","*GROAN*" +"Why are frogs always so happy","They eat what ever bugs them" +"How do you say 'wassap dawg. ' in Japanese","Konnichihuahua" +"I know dad jokes aren't for everyone, but. I thought","I'd go ahead and post one here... 1" +"Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers","It's called On & On Anon" +"Why does Soap always get away with murder","Because it knows how to make a clean getaway" +"Last night I forgot a Disney movie outside","It was Frozen r/papgrappen" +"What do you call cheese by itself","Provolone" +"What did the dad buffalo say to his son on the first day of school","Bison" +"“Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus. ” Judge: Repeat infractions. Man: Ok","3/5 of my tickets are bogus" +"Did you hear about the chicken that mooed","He was just trying to think outside the bawks" +"LPT: How to deal with a common cold","Put on a jacket" +"😃 J","Happy 1/4 of July, guys" +"What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards","A receding hare-line" +"I was just charged with attempted murder. Which is bullshit","I had, like, six crows, max" +"You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there","European…" +"Why can't incontinent people work at an intelligence agency","Because they're leaking" +"Hey. Dad,. I'm hungry . Hey hungry,","I left" +"When Satan goes bald","There's going to be hell toupee" +"I never really liked my beard. . but it grew on me. my dad said at the dinner table","-_-" +"I just took a job at a biscuit factory. What can I say","I knead the dough" +"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day","" +"I got a hair transplant about a year ago and didn't really like it at first","But then it grew on me" +"The force is strong in this one Dad in Darth Vader voice: **I am your father. ** Son replies: I know dad, you're not funny","Dad: Just kidding" +"Despite our disagreement on. Reddit","We're still on the same page" +"Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar Get out of here. Shouts the bartender","We don't serve your type here" +"What do you call a French man wearing sandal's","Philippe flop" +"Do you know what separates a dad joke from a bad joke. I cannot tell you","You'll just have to C for yourself" +"Green and Purple What did the green grape say to the purple grape. >Breathe, Idiot","Breathe" +"When. I carried out the shooting at the gathering of people with lisps who happen to be good with numbers in the 43,560 square foot area","It was a math acre" +"My wife is furious at my rare penny collection","She says it completely lacks common cents" +"Do you know how ISIS elevator works","You press the button and six floors come down" +"What happens when small fish get too old to lay eggs","They go through minnow-pause" +"There was a kidnapping at school today","Its ok though, because the teacher woke him up" +"Ok just discovered this sub, first timer Loving this sub. Anyway, my daughter is 7 now, but back when she was a baby her mother and I were getting ready to serve her some food. Her: Can you grab a bowl. Me: How about this one","It's a-Dora-bowl" +"I'm afraid for the calendar","It's days are numbered" +"Sporky is my son's dog http://imgur. com/z8GBYw4","png" +"I have a plan to chill myself to -273. 15 Celsius - My friends say I'm crazy","But I think I'll be 0K" +"Star Wars 7PM show last night, a dad behind me was saving four seats with his daughter","and every time someone approached him he repeated these aren't the seats you're looking for" +"two friends joke A: Why are all those people running. B: They are running a race to get a cup. A: Who will get the cup. B: The person who wins","A: Then why are all the others running" +"I visited a sheep farm yesterday and got to watch the collies working- As the collies brought in a small batch, the farmer turned to me and said All ten of em, safe and sound, good dogs. They sheep were standing in two groups, 4 + 4, and I was like But there's only eight of them. Yeah but they got rounded up","" +"Hey dad, did you get a hair cut","No, I got all of them cut" +"Every time my dad goes to the barber. Me: oh, you got a haircut. Dad: yeah","I got a lot of them cut" +"My Dad just dropped this one while watching the news. A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger stands in the pouring down rain. Can you give me a push. he asks while hanging onto the door frame. Not a chance says the husband -- It's 3 o'clock in the morning. He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was it. asks his wife. Just some drunk wanting a push he answers. Did you help him. she asks. No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and raining like crazy out. Well, you have a short memory says his wife. Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two strangers helped us. I think you should help him. The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark, Hello, are you still there. Yes, comes the answer. Do you still want a push. calls out the husband. Yes, please. comes the reply from the dark. Where are you. asks the husband. Over here on the swing","the drunk replies" +"Me and my family were at a restaurant, ordering steak Waitress: (to my dad) Would you like your meat well done","Dad: Well I wouldn't want it badly done, now would I" +"What is the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts Beer nuts are a $1:37","Deer nuts are under a buck" +"I used to think. I was indecisive. Now","I’m not so sure" +"Boarding pass This happened tonight at dinner. Wife: mom and grandma just printed out their boarding passes I interrupt Me: what's wrong with cursive. Brother in law laughed. Wife a gave me a death look","felt so proud" +"Dadjoked my fiancée last night. As she was doing her makeup in the car, she was looking around for something she lost. Me: Did you lose your eyelash brush. Her: Eyelash brush. That's not a thing. Me: Sorry, eyelash comb. Her: No. That's not a thing either. Me: Hey now, there's no reason to lash out at me","Her: *glares*" +"Somebody threw a bunch of Omega 3 tabletsvat me","It's OK though, I just received some super fish oil injuries" +"I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special. ” I said, “Yes please. ” Waiter: “No problem sir","Today is special" +"A slice of apple pie is £2","50 in Jamaica and £3 in the Bahamas These are the pie rates of the Caribbean" +"Why does chicken taste good in. Ranch","Because that’s where they were raised" +"There is this really popular cemetary outside of town","People are just dyin to get in there" +"What do you call a bagel that flies","Plane bagel" +"I have proof that amazon is in fact run by dads. http://i. imgur. com/g46ulSE","png" +"What do vegan zombies eat","Grains" +"Historical Dad Joke I was speaking with a friend today about the German bunkers in Normandy: Friend: Yeah, I read that the French workers who built them poured sugar in the concrete to make them more brittle. Me: Those must have been some *sweet* bunkers","Friend:" +"What's the difference between ammonia and pneumonia","One's in a bottle, the other's in a chest" +"Why do cows wear cowbells","Because their horns don’t work" +"I dad joked a room of 200 teenagers. My job involves me giving presentations to large groups of teenagers. Today, I was telling them about different workshops we have on offer, including African drumming and DJ workshops. So I said - 'I'd love to tell you a bit more about the DJ workshops, but I'd barely scratch the surface. ' Ever seen 200 teenagers groan and roll their eyes","Glorious :D" +"I decided to make my own wheel It didn't take long, really","I cut corners" +"My son asked me what I was eating for lunch I replied, I am eating my veggie tables. He said, Be sure and chair them. We both got a kick out of how stupid we are",":)" +"Officer: “I’m sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your girlfriend’s been hit by a truck”","Man: “Yeah, but she’s got a great personality”" +"What streets do ghosts haunt","Boo-levards" +"Which two fruits are the biggest rivals","Blood Oranges and HoneyCrips Apples" +"Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was","It was a brief case" +"What’s the fastest growing city on Earth","The capital of Ireland – it’s Dublin every day" +"If there's such a thing as dadjoke photography, I think my dad would be champion. [They might not be puns, but I still feel like he fits right in. ](http://imgur","com/a/dbrpe) I don't see him much, but the pictures he shares keep me rolling my eyes and stifling a smile pretty regularly" +"Santa's favorite weather Dad: Looks like we're going to have Santa's favorite weather for Christmas this year. Wife: Oh, is it going to snow","Dad: No, rain dear" +"He's A little Mellon Collie https://i. imgur. com/OlOLibX","jpg" +"What do you call an Egyptian doctor","A Cairopractor" +"Proud of myself for dadjoking my dad I called my dad tonight, Me: What's up. Dad: Oh, just fixing tacos. Me: Oh no, how did they break","he loved it :)" +"[X-Post /r/webcomics] Ordering Steaks http://i. imgur. com/RyC5ON0. jpg Creator: www. maximumble","com" +"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced em with, but","I was trippin all day." +"Ever since I got my new desk lamp","I've been seeing things in a new light" +"I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting recently and have come to a realization","I own too many mirrors" +"My favorite grocery store cashier suddenly disappeared","When I asked what happened, they said- He just checked out" +"Jewel thief with worlds worst stutter was jailed for 10 years yesterday","A police spokesperson says it may take him up to 11 years to finish his sentence" +"I think I need to put my dog on a diet","He is getting a little husky" +"Where do sheep go to get their hair cut","The baa-baa shop" +"What do you call a pessimist sea-bird","A pelican't" +"How did the spider meet his girlfriend","on the web" +"Walking home last night, I passed a slice of apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake","I thought to myself, “The streets seem strangely desserted…”" +"Did you hear about the murder on the catwalk","A model was killed in bizarre fashion" +"Dad joked my interviewer today. So i went in for an interview at my local State college. It used to be a community college a few years ago. The job was for evaluating transcripts and archiving them. Anyway, I get offered the job, and of course a I accept. We were going over some procedural paperwork, I-9, W-4 you know that stuff. He asks me my birthday, and I say June 24. What year. Every year. He just stares at me with a bit of a disgruntled expression","Yeah new boss, I'm going to be that guy" +"A tub of margarine fell on my. Foot last week. And it's still bruised,","I can't believe it's not better." +"I was telling my daughter how sometimes I feel really high and sometimes I feel really low","She said, Dad, get off the swing" +"What do you call a redhead with bad teeth","Gingervitus" +"The doctors have moved me from a private room, to a stall with hay and water","They are trying to stable-ize me" +"I watched a documentary last night on how ships are held together","It was riveting" +"What did one candle say to other candle when it made a dank joke","You're lit" +"Someone just stole my mood ring. I don't know how I feel about that. (Credit to 30 Rock","Thought it fit here)" +"I'm addicted to break fluid","But that's okay because I can stop at any time" +"I got my wife pretty good yesterday My wife found a metal staple sticking out of the back of our chair. I used some wire cutters to clip it off, but there was still a sharp little barb. Me: I can't get it any closer with the wire cutters. Hold on, I'll go look to see if I have a fine metal file to take care of that barb. Wife: Ok. [[5 minutes later I return from the garage]] Wife: Any luck","::I shake my head:: Me: Sorry sweetie, Error 404 - File not found" +"Girlfriend dad joked me Her: I'm losing weight. Me: Yeah, your waist is getting smaller. Her: I know","I'm waisting away" +"My Dad is a former Biology teacher. I was telling my family that my friend's dad, James, had recently gotten a vasectomy. Without missing a beat my dad exclaimed If he were a plant he'd be a Jim-no-sperm","and laughed uproariously while the rest of the family just shook their heads" +"Dad-joked my classmate My classmate and I were doing the old rocket-pen trick (You know the one, where you click in the pen and release it and watch it soar into the air. ) However, my classmate was having some difficult grasping the intricacies of it. Classmate: I just can't seem to get it to lift-off. Me: It appears you have *ejectile* *dysfunction","*" +"My dad asked me What are you doing. the other day","I said: I'm on my phone He said: Wouldn't you break it then" +"“Mr. Shakespeare, how doth thou manage to keep your married life interesting","” Shakespeare: Anne hath a way" +"Why is something always in the last place you look","Because when you find it you stop looking" +"Mom: Stop cracking your knuckles, it causes arthritis. Me: No it doesn't, that's just a myth","Dad: Maybe it's just myth-understood" +"If. I. Die and get. Reincarnated as. Batteries,. It will be fine","I'm never included in anything anyway." +"What’s a ticks favorite fruit","Lyme" +"Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed","Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me" +"I had a dream last night that. I was a muffler","I woke up exhausted" +"I got fired from a calendar factory today","They didn't like it that I took a few days off" +"The girlfriend told me to tell her what day it was","10/4" +"SORRY THIS POST IS IN ALL CAPS, BUT MY [KEYBOARD](https://imgur","com/fog0vJ8) WAS BROKEN" +"What do you call a mafia of killer whales","Orcanized crime" +"What do you call a deer with no eyes","I have no eye deer" +"The best place for making money is","The mint" +"What does a nosy pepper do","It gets jalepeño business" +"My job is to put dents into new cars to test their safety features","Needless to say, the job is very depressing" +"How do. Nachos. Dance. They do the","Salsa" +"Why did the proton go to court","Because it was charged with a crime" +"I first found this sitting on my Dad's desk at work When I asked him why he kept it there, he told me to [ Get a life. ](http://i. imgur. com/ecaV5sl","jpg)" +"Co-worker got me and I'm not even mad Co-worker: (looking at my jacket) Is this felt. Me: No. Co-worker: (reaches over and touches it) It is now. I wasn't even mad","I was impressed" +"Patient: I have a 1:30 appointment. Receptionist: Which doctor","Patient: No, I want the regular doctor" +"Spider-Man catches a guy stealing a six-pack from a convenience store. The guy puts down the beer and runs away. Spidey picks up the beer to take it back to the store, but he pauses. In a moment of weakness, he takes the beer home for himself","That's how Peter Parker pinched a pack of pilfered Pilsners" +"What's brown and sticky","A stick" +"My dad made a funny joke about corn","It was a maize zing" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When it's a parent" +"Look at how many little trees he has. Driving down the highway today and my fiancee says Look at how many little trees he has on his mirror. (referring to the air freshener trees, of which he had at least 30) I hit her with Well he is driving a Forester","Edit: autocorrect correcting nouns" +"I have decided that I am going to invent a steam-powered cell phone","That way, when someone asks me to send a picture, I can tell them that I can't because I have low selfie steam" +"Where did captain hook buy his hook","At the second hand store" +"I don't have any kids, but I love making dad jokes Does that make me a faux pas","Or a faux pa" +"Ever heard the wandering nun joke","There's always a Roamin Catholic" +"How do you get two peaches to fight","By pitting them against one another" +"My son used to swallow coins when he was younger, but doesn’t do that anymore","I’ve definitely seen some change in him" +"Why did the watchmaker hate that his ex couldn´t do somersaults","Because he only liked roll exes" +"What's the difference between a woman and a man","wo" +"What do you call a Mexican who got his car stolen","Carlos Credit goes to friend right here" +"What type of shoes do frogs wear","Open toad" +"Had to defrost my car this morning Had to defrost my car this morning. Unfortunately I didn't have an ice scraper so I had to use a card from my wallet. Pulled out my Walmart card and started scraping","Didn't do a very good job, only got 20% off" +"Dadjoked my girlfriend at dinner last night We were eating ribs, and serving ourselves when she said to me -- **Her** - Use the fork to grab a rib **Me** - Oh, that's what they were telling Luke to do all the time. **Her** - Luke. What do you mean. **Me** - In Star Wars, you know. 'use the fork Luke. ' **Her** -","ugh" +"Eating clocks can be a little time consuming","especially if you go back for seconds" +"I was going to buy a shopping trolley at the supermarket","But I didn't have anything to put it in" +"What did the man say to the kid who left a tub of. Fluorine on his yard. Get the","F off my lawn" +"What did the cannibal say at the last supper","Pass the bread" +"Whats blue and smells like red paint","Blue paint" +"My wife's reply to my new shorts. Me: Hey look my new shorts have a tag telling me they have a smartphone pocket","Her: Well I guess that makes you a smarty-pants" +"Did I tell you about my friend Case","I like to keep him around, Justin Case" +"I began reading a horror novel in Braille","Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it" +"Watching TV with my family. got hit by a dad joke Brother, trying to show he is a terrible liar, raises his eyebrows and asks mom Am I lying. Which is a typical tell of his. Then I chime in, on the couch with my feet up, asking if I'm lying with a poker face. Dad comes in with this bit: no, but I'd say that's a moderate recline","" +"What do you call a constipated pharaoh","Tootnotcomin" +"What do you call a tea, sweetened with honey, and sugar","Diabe-teas" +"WhY. DiD tHE. BElt geT arREstEd. Because","It held up a pair of pants" +"I hate people with missing toes. Because","I'm lack toes intolerant" +"Electronics lecturer dropped this beauty on us Discussing electrical current and he introduced us to Kirchhoff's current law. This is Kirchhoff's current law","I don't know what his previous law was, but this is the current one" +"When is a door not a door","When its ajar" +"I ended my previous relationship because we were at different times in our lives","But I guess that's how it works when you date internationally" +"You know what really makes my day","Earth's rotation" +"Good Dadjoke at college today. So I'm at college on an art course and I'm sitting with two girls, one isn't wearing any shoes. It's pretty strange, but that's just her. Anywhom, this shoeless golem proceeds to stand up, whilst doing so, she steps right on top of a pin, going right into her heel. She started moaning blah blah blah 'oooo it hurts' blah blah blah","I said, Don't worry mate, it will soon heal" +"What the fuck is a 401k","I can barely run 2 miles" +"When my cousin Frank died, his body was cremated, and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard","Now he's Frank in stein" +"Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween","I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door" +"What is a bunny's favorite drink","Hopscotch" +"What do you call a belt made out of watches","A waist of time" +"Dad I'm stuck in the well. Hi Imstuckinthewell, I'm dad. DAD I'M NOT JOKING","I know you're not Joe King, you're Imstuckinthewell" +"What kind of shirts do farmers wear","Crop tops" +"Why did the clock go back four seconds","Because it was hungry" +"My dad just got me good. My husband has been making a lot of pizza lately. He ferments the dough and I have been naming each batch with a pun. The current batch is Yeast Lightning. I texted my dad and asked him to help me think of some new names","He texted back Just rise to the occasion" +"I wanted to study Rocket Trajectories at University. But I had to change course at the last minute (With apologies to the excellent https://twitter","com/themiltonjones from whom I stole it)" +"There's this new restaurant that has waiters standing still on tables","They're waiting on tables" +"I Wanna Open a Discount Grocery Store Where Everything Expires In a Week","gonna call it Best By" +"A Roman Soldier caught the Bartender's eye and gave him the two fingers sign","Five beers coming up said the Bartender" +"I never get jokes about low flying clouds","There's always something I've mist" +"I was on a train in","Mexico when its started crazily rocking from side to side it was a loco motion" +"My wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo","I had to put my foot down" +"When I was younger I felt like a man trapped in a women’s body","and then I was born" +"Came home from work to find that my doors had been broken into, and all the chocolate was taken","Who does that to someone’s advent calendar" +"My 9-year old got me good I was telling the kids about a cat I had when was their age and how she loved Tandoori chicken. I explained that when we used to order in Indian food she would sit on the arm of the sofa waiting for someone to bring a chicken leg up to their mouth and then, quick as a flash, swipe it out of their hand and run off with it","Quick as a flash, my boy said Well, it WAS a takeaway So proud" +"Just called in to schedule an eyebrow waxing. I said, I'd like to get some eyebrows done. Two, to be specific. Sure as shit I laughed hysterically at my own joke while silence filled the air on the other end of the phone","Nay, the world may think otherwise, but that was a kneeslapper goddamnit" +"Which rock group has four men that don't sing. Mt","Rushmore" +"How do crazy people get through the forest","They take the psycho path" +"Made a good one while dropping the kids off at daycare this morning My wife and I are driving down the pothole-filled road to our daycare, which is in a church. As we pull up, I say, It's fitting that daycare is in a church, because this is a really holy road","The resulting groan was proof that I have made it as a dad" +"Chinese takeout: $11. Price of gas to get there: $1","Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers: Riceless" +"What do we want. Low flying airplanes. When do we want them","NEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOW" +"I like my women how. I like my coffee. But","I prefer a hot tea." +"Where do horses like to hang out","In their neigh-bourhood" +"Great news for insomniacs. Only three more sleeps til","Christmas!" +"Knock Knock Who’s there. Etch. Etch who","Bless you" +"Why couldn't the trash can get his lid up","because his girlfriend was hefty" +"In order to have a murder of crows, there must be probable caws","&#x200B;" +"So my wife is currently pregnant and she isn't quite used to my new found need for dad jokes. She was teasing me about some apparent red in my facial hair. I don't see it but hey, hormones. You're just in denial. How am I in a river. What. *long silence* Oh. The eye rolling","Im going to enjoy being a dad i think" +"How many bags of wool did Baba give Mr","Three bags fool" +"What happens when you cut the oxygen supply to the king","There will be no air to the throne" +"My wife is always cold in our house","So I told her to stand in the corner because it’s always 90 degrees" +"What do you call an alligator in a vest","An investigator" +"My friend got a Ph. on the History of Palindromes. He’s now Dr","Awkward" +"What do you call bears without ears","B" +"Why did the mailman get fired","He got caught leaving his post" +"What rhymes with Red","No it doesn't" +"Which knight made sure King Arthur got his protein","Sir Loin" +"People overcome adversity all the time Look at Beethoven","They told him he was deaf, but did he listen" +"What did the big chimney say to the little chimney","You’re too young to smoke" +"Dad joked the dad. Preparing for my mom's party last night and my dad tells me: Dad: You have to take the pop out into the garage","Me: Alright, Pop, get in the garage" +"Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition","he finds he has seriously misunderstood the objective" +"Going into a store without a mask is like Nirvana","I feel stupid and contagious" +"I hit my brother with a dad joke My brother is at a hospital and sees a therapist regularly. He gets one phone call a day and it's my personal objective to get him to laugh every day. Bro: I should probably get going, the therapist gave me some homework to do. Me: Yeah, you don't wanna make her therapist off","I got a good laugh from him" +"I had to replace my chain saw","The old one just wasn't cutting it anymore." +"Peter Dinklage was in our town's Whole Foods today. Wife: Peter Dinklage was in the Asheville Whole Foods today. Me: Wow, he's rarely seen in public. Wife: Oh","Me: Yeah, he's easily overlooked" +"Did you hear about the sheep that looks like Lady Gaga","It was shorn this way" +"I ordered a gallon of correction fluid the other day","big mistake" +"What rhymes with orange","No it doesn’t" +"Murphy's Law states that anything can go wrong, will go wrong. Cole's law","Is basically just cabbage" +"I've always hated elevators so","I've been taking steps to avoid them" +"Wall-e the robot gets his groceries from Walmart, and buys his drugs from Walgreens. But where does he get his money from. From his wallet","god damn it dad" +"Well","That’s a deep subject" +"Why do all track stars seem to know each other","Because they run in the same circles" +"Tree joke I was volunteering at a tree-identification event at a local park with about 15 people from work when I chimed in on the following exchange. Leader: Alright, we've identified a couple of types of maplewood. Can anyone tell me what kind of tree THIS is. (points to a tree) Someone: is it. it's a Dogwood. Leader: Very good. Can anyone tell us how we know that it's a Dogwood. Me: Because of its. bark","Everyone: *groans into laughter* I took a bow (or bough)" +"My wife is really mad at the fact that i have no sense of direction","So i packed up my stuff and right" +"I figured out why human eggs go for so much money on Craigslist","It's like they always say, sex cells" +"I misplaced my dictionary the other day","I am at a loss for words" +"Happy Halloween. What's a zombie's favorite form of transportation","Traaaiiiiiiinnnnns" +"Where do cats go when they die","Purrgutory" +"I didn't think my dad would do this, but he did. We belong to a Hindu family. --- Sister: Mom, I don't feel so good. Mother: What's wrong. Sister: I'm sick. Father: No, you're Hindu. What is wrong with you","--- Muffled laughter and audible groans were heard" +"What do you call a criminal talk show host","Jimmy Felon" +"You can't run through a tent campground","You can only ran because it's past tents." +"When are werewolves friendly","When they take a Lycan to you" +"My wife was really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction","So I packed my bags and right" +"My wife, our oldest daughter, and I were in Hallmark. I picked up a ruler, put it against my wife's chest, & asked How much longer are we gonna be in here. The daughter loved it. My wife said Haha. Shut up","Epilogue: We were in there at least another 162ft" +"Astronaut 1: Can I have some milk. Astronaut 2: In space, no-one can","Here, use cream" +"I don't like having to decide between paper or plastic","Why can't baggers be choosers" +"I went over to my grandparents' house last week. We were sitting at the table playing cards for about an hour. I looked over and saw a piece of scotch tape on my Pop-pop's ear. I reach over to grab it, and he swats my hand away","He grumbles 'knock it off, I'm listenin' to my tapes" +"I've got £20 here with your name on it. http://imgur","com/gallery/u9373nJ" +"TIL: Two elephants of the same herd won’t go into the same body of water together at the same time","It’s because they only have one pair of trunks between the two of them" +"Strange","I find it strange that blind people walk their dogs so much" +"The word change is such a weird word for money","Why would someone coin a term that makes no cents" +"Took the day off from work and helping my wife cook bread for Turkey Day tomorrow. I sent her a picture of the progress, she replied that I probably used too much flour, I replied Sorry, I didn't know how much I kneaded","Groans were heard around the world" +"What does a cloud wear under his raincoat","Thunderwear" +"I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet","I don't know why" +"Father in law on fire this Sunday afternoon Doing a crossword with my father in law and mother in law. He told me that he completed The Times crossword (which is apparently one of the hardest crosswords) the other day all except one clue","Mother in law says go on then darling tell me the clue I bet I'll work it out He says the clue is heavily laden postman She says how many letters He says hundreds and hundreds I should think Dead" +"Texted my dad to pick up a 5 year old birthday card for my little cousin. He replied: Can't","I just get a new one?" +"I'm pretty proud of this one A female friend of mine was talking about her new haircut and complaining that her stylist cut it too short for her liking. Without so much as thinking out popped Don't worry it will grow on you","*Nudge nudge wink* She decided that she's done talking to me for the day" +"Made pot brownies with laxitives","Just for shits and giggles" +"How does a penguin build a home. Igloos it","Taken from a Veterinary Clinic's sign in my town" +"Mom: I'm going to the corner store, do you need anything","Dad: Yeah, get me a corner" +"I think I would want a job cleaning mirrors","It's just something I can see myself doing" +"What Did The Nintendo Consoles Say After The Gym","WII FIT" +"Dadjoked on a planetary scale 6 year-old daughter: Daddy, what is Neptune. Me: It's the music you listen to when you take a little sleep in the afternoon, of course","8 year-old son, science-fan, face-palming: Oh, dad" +"I can’t understand the sun","It’s way over my head" +"Why can't you hear when a psychic goes to the bathroom","Because the P is silent" +"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh","Ten tickles" +"My dad got us today with a good one I was laying down on the couch and my mom moved one side of it to make it even with the rug. It surprised me so I freaked a bit","My dad looks at us and says: You seem to have had a moving experience, My mom left" +"After getting married, the woman filed for divorce the very next morning. Judge: I don't understand, what happened. Woman: I work in a pharmacy. I met him when he first came there last week and asked to purchase an X-X-X-X-L condom. That's when I thought, for a happy pleasureful life, I should get him to marry me before any other girls find out and lap him up. Judge: ok. then. Woman: I held my excitement all day thru the wedding, waiting for the night. so at night when I my curiosity couldn't wait any longer. I found out something. Judge: what. Woman: the Bastard has speech disorder","he STAMMERS" +"I want a brain transplant","Change my mind" +"Africa by Toto isn't a country song","It's a continent song" +"One apple a day. keeps the doctor away","One garlic a day keeps EVERYONE away" +"I just toldm y dad a local store is having a huge President's Day sale. His response","Oh boy, let's go buy a President" +"Dadjoked my G/F during Furious Seven (Spoiler Alert. ) Right at the end of the first chase scene where Paul Walker is running on top of the bus and Michelle Rodriguez spins her car around for him to grab the rear, I turned and said (quietly): They showed that in the trailers, talk about your","spoilers" +"Dad, my girlfriend's pregnant Dad, my girlfriend's pregnant. I'm not mad just disappointed. Hi disappointed, I'm dad. Did you jus. Yes. You're ready","I'm not ready, I just told you that I'm dad" +"Got my sister while her phone wasn't working I asked my sister to download a game so she could play me in it: Me: Did you download the game yet. Her: It's not working. Me: Try connecting to Facebook. Her: I did. It keeps freezing. Me: That makes sense it's like 25 degrees out My sister and my mom rolled their eyes and groaned. My dad was there too","This happened a half hour ago, and he's still laughing" +"Hey Dad, could you put the glasses on the counter. http://imgur","com/seo4Y8B Dad decided to 'help' clean up after dinner" +"When dolphins make a mistake","Do you think they did it on porpoise" +"What's better than one lip","Tulips" +"What do you call a pulmonologist who forgot how to breathe","An oxymoron" +"I bought my daughter a locket and put her picture in it","Now she is independant" +"Just bought a new pair of pants, and they fit like a cheaply made castle","No ballroom" +"I get nostalgic when I put my car in reverse","It really takes me back" +"Where does the General keep his armies. In the barracks, where they're supposed to be","His sleevies were too short" +"Why aren't iPhone chargers or batteries called apple juice","Was redirected from r/nostupidquestions" +"Why are they called restrooms","If people are gonna judge me for sleeping on the floor" +"If I had male donkeys and female horses. I'd breed them together and use their children around this time of year to spread some mule-tide cheer","Merry Christmas (Eve)" +"Someone asked me how I thought Aaron Hernandez passed his time in prison","I think he just hangs around in his cell a lot" +"First Time poster. More in comments. [http://imgur. com/mzfwC16](http://imgur","com/mzfwC16)" +"I just Dad Joked myself. I'm ashamed This all mainly involves my actions and thinking to myself. So I'm cutting my nails with clippers, the clipping seem to travel at a pretty high velocity then cut. anyway, at one moment I had the clippers facing away from me, meaning my nails were pointing at me. When I cut, the clipping flew up and hit me on the eyelid, felt very close to going in","That's when I thought: Shit, I almost nailed myself in the eye" +"My friend got me yesterday http://i. imgur. com/tiM35Jt","jpg" +"Abortion really does make you playful","After all, it does bring out your inner child" +"Why did the cannibal go after paraplegics","Meals on wheels" +"Rubber - Movie So I was hanging out with friends and they told me about this movie [Rubber](http://www. imdb. com/title/tt1612774/). It's a movie about a tire that goes around and kills people. I had never heard of it so I asked if the tire won any awards because it would be funny to see them roll out a tire to a podium","My buddy across the table says Yeah, it had a pretty Goodyear" +"Punographic dad jokes In true Dad joke fashion, my father emailed me this list of puns I tried to catch some fog. I mist. · When chemists die, they barium. · Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. · A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. · I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. · How does Moses make his tea. Hebrews it. · I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. · This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. · I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down. · I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words . · They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O. · PMS jokes aren't funny, period. · I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. · A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils. · When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. · What does a clock do when it's hungry. It goes back four seconds. · I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. · Broken pencils are pointless. · What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary. A thesaurus. · England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool . · I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. · I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. · All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on. · I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. · Velcro - what a rip off. · Cartoonist found dead in home","Details are sketchy" +"I posted in r/jokes earlier a joke about when my mailbox had fallen. I thought","I'd put it up again but then realised it'd be a repost." +"Super tired today","That's like being tired, but with a cape" +"How do you make holy water","Boil the hell out of it" +"Woman's brother gets to name her twin kids There was a woman who was pregnant with twins. Labour was imminent, so she was taken to the hospital to give birth. Her husband was stuck at the office, so her brother, who is a little bit kooky and not the sharpest knife in the drawer, went along with her. Everything goes well in the delivery room, and she becomes the mother to two healthy children, a girl and a boy. The pregnancy took a lot out of her and she promptly passed out from exhaustion shortly after the birth. A little while later, the father shows up, all excited to hear about his new kids. The wife's brother is in the waiting room when he arrives. Husband: How'd it go. Wife's brother: It went great. Your wife gave birth to a healthy girl and a healthy boy. Husband: That's amazing. Thanks so much for coming down with her. Wife's brother: No problem. She passed out after giving birth, so when the doctor came to get their names recorded, I handled it all. Husband: *gulps* Oh really. Wife's brother: Yup. I named your daughter Denise. Husband: Denise. Well, that's not so bad now, is it. And my boy. What's my boy's name","Wife's brother: Well, naturally he's Denephew" +"A tornado destroyed a French cheese factory","All that was left was de Brie" +"What do you call a laughing piano","A Yamahaha" +"French dad joke: how many eggs do you want","One egg is un oeuf" +"I was skeptical about psychic mediums","So I ended up getting psychic larges instead" +"Daughter hands me her socks, Daaad, can you put these on. I say Sorry, I think they are too small for me","Get her every time" +"Got my whole class today I'm studying drama (I know) and today the tech lady was telling us horror stories of previous performances in the department. She then said Oh yes, and then there was the tale of the eel. I said I thought all of the eel was the tail","I got a few good groans" +"If you're looking for a new job, don't take up archaeology","Your career will be in ruins" +"A man gets a £100 note tattooed to his Penis His wife says What have you done that for. The man replys 2 reasons, first of, I like to watch my money grow","Secondly the next time you feel like blowing a £100 you don't need to leave the house to do it" +"A vending machine went to the doctor to have a tumor looked at. The doctor said the tumor was","B9" +"Oh dad's. At Lowe's to bug some light bulbs. Asked cashier if he can check me out","He then looks up and down at me and says, yeah you're looking pretty good today" +"what did the grape say when he was stepped on","he let out a little wine" +"What's Forrest Gumps password","1Forrest1" +"If you had a bisexual son, wouldn't he just be called a","bison :P" +"What language do bridges speak","Spanish" +"That name is. (X-post from /r/gaming) https://i. imgur. com/CSBmMtM","jpg" +"I don’t like marathons","They give me the runs" +"Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts","It’s currently half empty" +"My wife tried to force feed me some lettuce","I responded with leaf me alone" +"A lot of the girls i hook up with like kissing in the rain","But those are just my shower thots" +"At any given moment, the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away. A whim away","A whim away" +"A young boy asked his grandpa if he minded being old, he said","It ain't bad considering the alternative" +"What do you call a fake noodle","An Impasta" +"I've started to work on a theory on what liquids become when you cool them. My colleagues say it lacks evidence, but","I think it's solid." +"What's the best time to sell drugs","The crack of dawn" +"Dad: Be careful standing near those trees. Me: Why. The sky is clear, there's no chance of lightning","Dad: I don't know really, they just look kind of shady to me" +"I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson. He said, “But dad, your name is Brian","” I replied, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson" +"I don't like her, but props. Picking up my 6 year old son from my exes parent's house, he asks why he couldn't stay with them tonight. I tell him I'm hungry and I'm going to have a few bites of him. Son: (whining) I don't wanna get ate. Son's grandma: You won't get ate(8) you've got two more years","He smiles and I die a little inside because I missed my moment to shine" +"Regarding the current top post, I'd like to add 1 + 1 = 2","Thanks" +"Black & White Employee: Does the printer print in Black & White","Dad(Boss): Only Black, the white is already on the paper Employee: *Nervous Laugh*" +"Did you go to the doctor last Tuesday. You should have. There was an election lasting longer than 4 hours. (My dad made this joke up","Seriously" +"How do you measure the power of love","In jewels It's an engineering joke" +"My wife was leaving for work and told me she was heading off","I told her I'd prefer that she leave her head on" +"What's Putin's favorite doughnut shop","Krispy Kremelin" +"Everyone thinks Jesus is great because he walked on water","But Stephen Hawking ran on batteries" +"Got Dad joked after paying my car tax So I just paid my car tax online, and my dad asked if there was a timer saying Processing after I had entered my details. I said, No, but I used a new beta service that's probably different to the old one. He said, Oh, is that","*beta* than the old one" +"There have been way too many blindness jokes on this sub lately","Blink and you'll miss 'em" +"When I was younger my parents made me walk the plank","We couldn't afford a dog" +"Today is the last day I work at subway . and it's a wrap","(wow I made this one by myself and I'm not even a dad (I hope not at least))" +"screwing around with my wife. After drilling a hole, inserting the plastic sleeve, then driving a philips head to attach the nanny cam securely to the wall in our baby's room. Wife: Good job. You nailed it","Me: Actually honey, I screwed it" +"Why are gentelmen good in bed","Because they always let the ladies come first" +"A midget chef had to quit his job at a casino","He said the steaks were too high" +"Why is Dollar Tree the best place to shop for deer","Because the males are a buck" +"If I had a dollar for every time I've procrastinated","You know what, I'll tell you later" +"Posting on Reddit is like dating in college","Occasionally you get lucky, but most of the time it’s terrible for your self esteem" +"I was going to try out a new spice recipe for my burgers. But","I just didn't have the thyme." +"I tried to tell a chemistry joke","I couldn't get a reaction" +"Son: dad, how come all uncaught criminals are dyslexic. Dad: you see, then they can do whatever they want without being arrested Son: how's that","Dad: well, you can't get a sentence if you can't spell" +"Did you know Iron Man is a woman","A Fe male" +"At University I was so broke I couldn't afford the electricity bill","Those were the darkest days of my life" +"My friend: “Do you think you have what it takes to make your own beer","” Me: “Just barley" +"When clowns divorce","It usually results in a custardy battle" +"I've always wanted to be a millionaire, just like my dad. —Wow, your dad was a millionaire","—No, but he always wanted to be one" +"Saw just dosen't cut it. Talking about the condition of one of the power saws at work (construction): Boss: Do you know if that saw is working properly now. Did (coworker) manage to fix it. Me: Yeah, it's running now, only problem it that it doesn't cut any longer. Boss: Huh. Me: Yeah, it only cuts shorter","The original conversation was not in English, but the pun works in my native language too" +"I doubt vodka is the answer","But it's worth a shot" +"Dwayne. Johnson moved in the place above mine. Now. I really do live under a","Rock" +"Three men walk into a bar","You'd think at least one of them would have seen it" +"Let's address the elephant in the room","Hello, elephant" +"I live for these moments. *walking through a parking lot* Daughter: That's a really small car. Me: Oh, that's a Mazda Miata. Daughter: What's a Miata","Me: Nothing, what's a Miata with you" +"I said to my son, There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me. He asked, Which is","I replied, Exactly" +"Just finished peeing and the wife came in after and asked: Did you just piss without flushing . I replied, Yea, it's pretty clear.","3 seconds later I realized how funny it was" +"What is the only way to help people with ADHD","Send them to concentration camps" +"I really wanted to tell you guys a joke about moles","But I don't know if you would dig it" +"Why do seagulls fly over the sea","Cause if they flew over the bay they would be bagels" +"Before I had weights, I used to work out by lifting cases of Coke","I had to stop, because it was soda pressing" +"I think this counts Talking with my girlfriend on skype. Me: Went by my buddies room earlier to talk to him, but he wasn't there. Her: Where was he. Me: I don't know. He wasn't there for me to ask him","*shakes head with a smirk*" +"My wife brought it on herself. We flipped on the TV the other night and happened to come across a documentary on the mating ritual of the grouse. As the males danced on the lek, majestically splaying their feathers and swelling their neck sacs, my wife looked at me and said: My wife: Are you as turned on as I am. Me: Absolutely. You could consider me highly *agroused*. Oh, how I bathed in the cringe-worthy look on her face","Huzzah" +"What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down","It gets toad away" +"I just saw a guy riding a bike while trying to sell a donkey","He was peddling his ass all over town" +"My frozen pizza came out bent. Taco bout funny looking. https://imgur","com/gallery/LLX4m" +"Why did old McDonald talk to his corn field","They were all ears" +"Anytime someone is getting married. DAD: Make sure you treat her right. I really screwed things up with my first wife. PERSON: I didn't know you were married before Lily (his current wife)","DAD: I wasn't thats who i'm talking about" +"So. I wanted to buy some flowers. But","I couldn’t because the prices rose" +"My gf's uncle pulled this one off last night I was a man trapped in a woman's body","[pause for effect] And then I was born" +"What are refrigerator’s opinions about stoves","There’s a range" +"What's Harry Potter's favorite way of getting down a hill Walking","JK ROLLING" +"Why do hunters close one eye before shooting","Because if they close the other, they can't see" +"Did you hear about the crazy scientist who did experiments on dogs","She used to walk around town in her lab coat" +"Why couldn't the Hispanic gentleman deer hunt with a bow. he didn't habanero. 15 minutes ago from none other than Papa Bear. Thanks, dad","Edit: grammar" +"What's brown and rhymes with Snoop. Dr","Dre" +"A sandwich walks into the bar","Bartender says “sorry, we don’t serve food here”" +"I farted in the Apple store, and everyone got mad","It's not my fault that they didn't have Windows" +"If pilgrims were still around today, what would they be known for","their age" +"One I heard on the Johnny Cash show: My wife and I haven't had a single fight in our house Guest: What's your secret","Cash: We go in the yard" +"I said to my friend I'm addicted","Ted agreed." +"I asked my dad what his new year's resolution was","He looked at me and said 1080p" +"What did the calculus professor name his newborn son","Mathew" +"My fiancée was on her laptop, while naked I cupped her boobs and said, what am I right now","When she couldn't guess, I told her: A supportive spouse" +"I wanted to see how my cat was doing. So","I asked, “how are you feline?”" +"Overheard this one at the airport Elderly man, and a younger guy were sitting next to each other. The older guy was telling the younger about his kids, saying he is youngest was 26 and in the army. OG: The Army turned my boy into a real straight shooter, he's a good man. YG: You said he was a gunner. OG: yeah YG: It's probably a good thing that he's a straight shooter then","And I just couldn't stop laughing sitting behind them" +"Wife got me with a dad joke Talking about an upcoming trip, I mentioned that we should pack our son in the small suitcase and us in the medium one. Without missing a beat, she says she felt he would be safer in the backseat","For a woman who is so literal, I was so proud" +"So God was talking to one of his Angels. He said “I’ve created 24 hours of alternating lightness and darkness in earth”. The Angel said “What are you going to do now","“Oh I think I’ll call it a day” God replies" +"Grocery Store Dad Joke saw 2 girls at the grocery store. One picks up a bundle of asparagus and asks her friend: hey, should I get one or two. I but in with the reply: get two","it's good to have a-spare-I-guess" +"What do you call salt on the floor of a French prison","Fleur de sel" +"My girlfriend put my pants in the wash with cash in the pockets. Me: Baby you know you're a criminal now. Her: What. Why. Me: For money laundering","Her: Go make sure the door is locked" +"My friend dislikes fuzzy leather. and his opinion cannot be suede.","I don't think I actually have a friend who thinks like this" +"Two windmills are in a field. One windmill asks the other windmill: What kind of music do you like","The other windmill says: I'm a big metal fan" +"Got my girlfriend's brother on Twitter for the first time. His tweet: Today was a good day. My response: I thought today was a Sunday","My girlfriend text me immediately and said Did you really just do that" +"Why would T. Rex struggle to play the piano","They’re extinct" +"I'm saving money for new shrubs out front","I call it my hedge fund" +"A boy told his father he was cold Go stand in the corner his father responded But why","The boy asked Because the corner is 90 degrees" +"my first day working as a pilot: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for","copilot: they keep your shirt closed" +"I'm not allowed within 500 yards of a musical instrument","I'm ba registered sax offender" +"At my age I'm no longer considered a snack. I'm a happy meal. I come with kids and toys. (A friend of mine who recently became a dad said this to me today","Got his permission to share it here to celebrate his first dad joke" +"My 2-year-old was throwing a fit. Dadjoked a friend: You know what they say about tantrums right","They're all the rage right now" +"Why can't you tell secrets in a cornfield. Because the corn has ears","(that's some horror movie sounding stuff right there)" +"Why are geologists always grumpy","Because people take their work for granite" +"Dad asked me a question Dad: Do you want to go see the baby movie when it comes out. Me: Huh. Dad: You know, the new Bourne movie",":|" +"You can't plant flowers","If you haven't botany" +"A T-Rex walks into a vegan restaurant and is greeted by a girl who said she knew him","He had never met herbivore" +"Why do fishermen always play football","They've got the best tackle in the world" +"Which is the least spoken language in the world","Sign language" +"I invented a new word today","Plagiarism." +"Told my dad I suck at handshakes Maybe there's a class you can take to get some","hands-on training" +"I'm not saying your new girlfriend is a whore but","The Bermuda Triangle has swallowed fewer seamen" +"You know, why don't they enlist babies in the military","I mean, there's a reason they called it the *INFANT*ry" +"They're finally making a movie about clocks","it's about time" +"My wife doesn't even actually groan anymore We had Indian food for dinner: Wife: Do you want the last naan. Me: But then there would be naan left for you. Wife: Groan. (she actually said the word groan) Are you ever going to get sick of that joke","Me: I thought it would have groan on you by now" +"Why couldn't the pony sing a lullaby","She was a little horse" +"What type of wood doesn't float","Natalie Wood (Shout out to my dad for telling that one at Christmas dinner" +"Got my son this morning. My son is 8 years old and loves counting money and change. This morning went like this. Son: counting change Daddy, I have very little money. Me: No. It looks normal sized to me","Then he proceeds to very dramatically roll his eyes" +"My four-year old nephew is trying to learn. Spanish, but he can't even say Please … …. And","I think that's poor for four." +"What Sith Lord immobilizes his opponents instead of killing them","Darth Ritis" +"What do you call a fashionable lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythmn","A metro-gnome" +"My son came out to me as gay and I flipped","He was surprised of my gymnastics skills" +"I had to give up my habit of eating clocks","It was just too time consuming" +"Anytime I do something smart, My dad says. ‘Wow, you’re a 'Fart Smella'…I mean SMART FELLA","’ Me: WHAT" +"You know what Clark Kent's super villian name should be","Kleptoman, because he's the man of steal" +"What do you call a drug dealer that's less than honest about their product","A chronic liar" +"Dad joke at the fair yesterday I was standing in line with my girlfriend at a local fair. A man walked by with a dog on a leash. Another man in front of us asks his wife if the dog is a standard poodle. She says yes, and he asks if they're good for hunting. My girlfriend chimes in that they're good swimmers and that hunters sometimes use them to retrieve ducks. I throw in my two cents with the line: Yeah, standard poodles are pretty good. I prefer automatic poodles though. My girlfriend and the guy in front of us shake their heads","The guy's wife cracked up laughing" +"What does King T'Chaka say to T'challa when he screws up","WAKANDA shit is this" +"Today I asked my professor what his first name was. Stephen, he replied. With a 'ph'","No, he retorted, with a Ph" +"A hamburger walked into the bar and asked for a drink","Bartender: Sorry, we don't serve food here" +"To be frank,","I'd have to change my name" +"I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink. ” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me. ” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it. ” I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you","I can tell by the voice" +"Knock knock Whose there. Cow says Cow says who","No, cow says moo, dummy" +"Making light of an unfortunate New Years Eve situation. My girlfriend and I are hosting a party when I suddenly start suffering from stomach pain and diarrhea. Feeling crappy, I decide to lay down. My girlfriend comes into the bedroom to see how I'm doing","Looking sad, I tell her I'm sorry for being a party pooper" +"I think I know why spotted leopards are endangered","They can never sneak up on their prey" +"Why did the burglar hang his mugshot on the wall","To prove that he was framed" +"I was in the furniture store this weekend My husband and I sat down on one of the sofas and the sales guy said You know, this is an Ellen DeGeneres","I looked at him, at bit puzzled, and said I dunno, it looks more like a couch to me" +"I’m the second best fighter in the world","I’ve come second in every fight I’ve ever been in" +"I was let go from my job at the sewage treatment plant today","Deservedly so, I don't know shit" +"I had a date yesterday. I have one today. And tomorrow. and the day after","I hate being a calendar" +"Industry insiders suggest glass coffins will become very popular","Remains to be seen" +"I didn't use to have much faith in modern medicine","but then I had to undergo emergency brain surgery and it really changed my mind" +"Lots of Dad's on Reddit. Thread: What is the most dangerous sentence in the world. Redditor Dad: The death sentence. http://www. reddit","com/r/AskReddit/comments/2i3bok/reddit_what_is_the_most_dangerous_sentence_in_the/ckyff35" +"What do you call the cow that slayed a dragon","Legendairy" +"Have you all heard about the top secret bakery","I didn't think so, it is on a knead to dough basis" +"Grandpa dropped this one before my dad had the chance to lay it down Me: I think I'm going to wear my electric-blue tie for the rehearsal dinner","Grandpa: Where the hell are you gonna plug it in all night" +"Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him","That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog" +"My wife has a problem saying No to people. One of her friends was giving her a mini-lecture about her inability to tell people no, and then gave her the caveat, But you really need to choose your 'no's'. Me: But of course, rhinoplasty is pretty pricey","Both of them: *glare*" +"What do you call a snake building its own home","A boa constructor" +"What kind of magazines do cows read","Cattlelogs" +"Since I am not Catholic","Saint hoods go over my head" +"Wife amazed that the price of the soil for her garden was 4. 95/50lb bag I told her thats dirt cheap It just happened","I'm evolving" +"There is 2 fish in a tank","One says to the other “How do you start this thing ?”" +"What do you call a sleepwalking nun","A Roamin' Catholic" +"Unintentionally Dad joked my coworker just now. I work at a CPA firm and walked by a co-worker who looked a bit frustrated since it's tax season. I ask if I'm going to hate doing taxes to when I finally get my CPA license. He replies with it's not that I hate doing taxes, it's just that im worn out from the overtime . Without hesitation I replied with oh, I'm sure the long hours can be very. Taxing","I instantly realized what I had said and before I could say no pun intended my Co worker let's out a very loud moan followed by booing that didn't stop until I left his office" +"I got a job cleaning Mirrors","It's a job I can see myself doing" +"Dadjoke revenge from my daughter Whenever she sneezes I say achoo. This morning she sneezed twice, so I said achoo twice. She said no dad, you mean achtwo, because I sneezed twice. I guess she's [getting her revenge](http://www. reddit. com/r/dadjokes/comments/2m3uhy/the_endless_dadjoke/)","She'll make a fine dad one day" +"I met a rodent who didn't want to tell me his name","He preferred to remain anonymouse" +"What do you get when a cow is caught in an earthquake","A Milkshake" +"I had a Wookie Steak last night","It was a bit chewy" +"Why do birds fly south for the winter","Because it's too far to walk" +"I love how the earth spins","It just really makes my day" +"My housemates keep saying our place is haunted","Yet I´ve never noted anyting strange and I´ve lived there for 275 years" +"Funeral Home Talking w/ friend about Funeral Homes Me:If you owned a funeral home you would always have business","Friend: Everyone would be dying to get to me" +"What do you call a transgender whale","Maybe Dick" +"Where are the best beaches for eating waffles","Sandy Eggo" +"What's a doggo's favorite bread","Puppernickel" +"My Mom Actually Said This One What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato","A Dictator" +"Last night I had nightmares that I was a monster truck","I woke up super tired and overly exhausted" +"I’ve had a neck brace fitted two years ago","and I’ve never looked back" +"My wife bought me second hand watch for my birthday. Anyway, better be going. The football starts in","1200 seconds" +"Guys, thank you for this sub","Meatball is my favorite" +"My boss was going round the office earlier saying all the blinds were wonky","I told him, to be fair they were probably put up by a blind guy" +"What did one hydrogen atom say to the other when it picked up another proton","You're out of your element" +"The very first sex change procedures were perfected in ancient Egypt","they became quite skilled at making daddy's into mummy's" +"I've been trying to come up with jokes about unemployment","But non of them work" +"What does a priest put on his salad","Lettuce spray" +"My dad around the house very quietly. And I have terrible hearing. Anytime he spooks me in the house. Me JESUS. Dad nope just me, dad","Me *glare* Never not funny pops" +"my dad's christmas present So my dad just got his concealed weapons permit recently so for Christmas my step mom got him a new pistol. Since she didn't want to wrap a handgun, she printed out a flyer from Cabela's and taped it to a stray dumbbell weight to disguise it and wrapped them up in a small box. When my dad opens the box, without missing a beat he coolly says, Oh, look","A new pistol with the mandatory *wait*ing period" +"What did the duck say when he'd finished shopping","Put it on my bill please" +"A book just fell on my head","I only have my shelf to blame." +"Not many people have heard about the movie. Constipated","Probably because it never came out" +"I heard the police raided my neighbors house on suspicion of a brutal murder","When they charged into the bathroom they found Head and Shoulders" +"Why do melons always get married in churches","Because they cantaloupe" +"Not in the picture My nephew showed my wife pictures he had on his wall of himself with different family members that were taken the day he was born. He tells her that he looked for a picture of he and I together, but couldn't find one. My wife explained that that was because he was born before we met","Me: It's because I wasn't in the picture yet" +"If all Disney princesses were fat, how would they live. Heavily ever after","(Not making fun of fat people)" +"Rated","This joke will be underrated." +"When my mom was in labor, my head got stuck in her, and the midwife had to pull me out","That’s how excited I was to see my little brother" +"My neutered cat wants to kill me","But he doesn't have the balls." +"One of my most solid, and witty dad joke i have ever dropped. back story: So my mom had a friend come over last night and i was in the kitchen getting a glass of water. They are talking about board games for whatever reason. So here's how it went down. Mom: my favorite board game is sorry. Friend: my game of sorry is ruined because my son spilled milk on it. me: oh I'm sorry to hear that. I cracked up","they didn't find it as funny" +"My dad got dadjoked my 7 yr old sister I've been in a car all day waiting to get home to tell this one. As we were driving down the road, we pass by a pasture full of hay bales when all of a sudden my sister yells out hey daddy. My dad responds with a generic yes. To which my sister replies with oh, I was just showing you the hay over there","I love my sister" +"Why is 12:59 the best time to talk to someone","Because it it 1 to 1" +"Why did the pony have a sore throat","Because it was a little horse" +"Bread making Dad joke My daughter and I were making some bread and I accidently splashed some flour on her . I said sorry and she said you did it on purpose","I replied I did it on All purpose" +"My dad, Ben, said he was listening to Bob Marley all day","He said, I Benjamin" +"Why does the shoemaker hate his job","Because he always sees defeat" +"Why are sellotape and trees similar","They're both sticky" +"What is Beethoven's favorite fruit","A ba-na-na-naaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" +"What do you call chubby people from Central and Eastern Russia","Siberian Huskies" +"A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean","Apparently the survivors are marooned" +"What do you call a caveman walking around aimlessly","A Meanderthal" +"What is the preferred credit card for Mexicans","Capital Juan" +"What do you call a heifer that doesn't make milk","An udder failure" +"What's green and fuzzy and'll hurt you if it falls out of a tree","a pool table" +"My mom caught the dadjoke bug. Me:. I bought the baby spinach. Mom:","Make sure you eat it today before it grows and becomes adult spinach!" +"Why did Tony Stark put a tracker on Natasha","Because she was always Romanoff" +"I think i might be addicted to dough. I don't just want it,","I knead it" +"A shark bumps into a dolphin","and the dolphin says, Did you do that on porpoise" +"My. New. Years","Resolution 1600 x 1200." +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When the punchline becomes apparent" +"Wanted to pick up some. OXO cubes from the shop","But they were out of stock" +"My dad just hit me with this one. So my dad got me sick and I walked into the kitchen and my mom said I looked like a ghost and my dad follows up with: Hey, Pewey. So the invisible man goes to the doctors office because he's sick. He goes up to the receivers desk to sign in and the lady at the desk says she'll ask the doctor if he can see you right now. A minute later the doctor comes out, looks around and says","Tell the invisible man I can't see him right now" +"Why does a mermaid wear seashells","Because she outgrew her b-shells" +"My brother is ready to become a father. Groans were had. Me: Hey, can you do me a solid and- Bro: Sure. I can even do you a liquid or a gas","*He and my dad chuckle and high-five each other * Edited: slight edit for better formatting" +"My therapist told me to write letters to people I hated and then burn them","I've done that, but what do I do with the letter" +"During sex you burn as much calories as running for 5 miles","Who the hell runs 5 miles in 30 seconds" +"My wife hates the letter. U. I always tell her that. I love","U but she insists that she hates it." +"Why are mummys scared of vacation","They're afraid to unwind" +"My dad and I are on a short road trip. We passed a cemetery. Hey son, that's a nice cemetery. I look and wonder what's so special about it. People are dying to go there","" +"What kind of bagel can fly","a plain bagel" +"What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus","Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian" +"Did you hear about the bad Chinese chef","He made Egg Foo Wrong" +"My doctor told me to start doing hand exercises","I’m struggling to grasp the importance of this" +"Mr. President could be a great name for a dog. You could tell him to get off the couch by saying Get down, Mr","President" +"[At dinner] Her: I think we need to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your awful jokes at the worst times","Me: Ok, and for the main course" +"Never let your eye doctor cut up your cocaine. The first line is massive","Then they get smaller and smaller" +"How do you rescusitate a sheep","You give it Sheep PR" +"My dad and I were getting ready to run Yagirlnick, do you want a running hat. Well, that depends. How fast is it","Can I keep up" +"Which blood type do motivational speakers have","B Positive" +"Soy. Sauce . Hola","Sauce, soy papá" +"When you're an entomologist, your girlfriend calls you to save her every time there's a bug in her house Any time there's an insect in my girlfriend's house she calls me over to handle it, usually to cup it and throw it outside. On this fine occasion I observed what looked like a very small roach (Order: *Blattodea*), possibly a german roach, the kind that are much less freaky huge but more likely to infest a house. Not wanting to take any chances with a german roach infestation, I immediately smashed the little guy instead of saving him. My GF asks, what was it. a roach. The body is pretty squished and it's hard to see any identifiable features","I say, I'm pretty sure it's a *Splattodea*" +"What is a winners favorite Christmas song","No L" +"If a groom or bride acts differently on their wedding day","then does he/she have an altar ego" +"How do you stop bacon from curling in the pan","You take away his little broom" +"My friend's boss dad joked him and didn't even know it. So a buddy of mine works in a shop and the manager is kinda weird. One day my friend is faking sick to go home early and says to his boss, I was eating downstairs but I couldn't cause my head feels funny. To which his boss responded with a straight face, Well did you try eating upstairs","My friend lost it" +"My wife groaned at this one (Not in the sexy way either. ) One of my wife's bosses is from China with the family name Wong. Wife was telling me that said boss just had a baby a few months ago. (At this moment, my dad powers started kicking in. ) Me: Huh, that's cool. When her husband visits the office next time, you should ask them if the baby's Caucasian. Wife: What. Why. Me: Cause I wanna know if two 'Wongs' make a 'White'. Her eyes rolled so hard they detached. Edit: Thanks for front page folks. Glad I could make you laugh (or groan. ) Edit 2: Thank you for the gold. Edit 3: WIFE'S IN THE THREAD. Abort. Abort","Wee woo wee woo wee woo" +"Dear. Sir/Madam","Your sex change operation was a partial success." +"I took a trip over at Orion's Belt. Customer service asked me how my experience was","So I answered, It wasn't the best place, but it was definitely 3 stars" +"Years ago, I was sent to a large stable to fetch the horse belonging to The Artist Formerly Known As Prince. I immediately knew which one it was","It had a purple rein" +"Trash Talk I'm at college orientation and a janitor knocked over a metal trash can which made a loud noise","A father walks into the room and said, A lot of trash talking going on in here" +"How come there wasn't any of those beautiful butterflies in that dance","It was a mothball" +"What's a book's favorite color","Read" +"I enjoy dressing up","It suits me" +"I met the Godfather of the Scottish mafia earlier","He made me an offer I couldn’t understand" +"In his will, my grandfather left me a bucket of sand, silt, and gravel","It is of great sedimentary value" +"Doctor: I think you have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms. Man: I can’t say I do","Doctor: Exactly" +"Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the side of their ships","So when they come back into port they can Scandinavian" +"PE teacher's dad joke We played volleyball in class and my serve was a close call, yet still in the field. PE Teacher: That serve was out . standing","He cracked up" +"Why do people hate reposts on this social network","Because they’ve already reddit" +"Apparently, People are 44% less observant than ten years ago","I read that somewhere" +"Do you have a huge fan that I could put on this parcel of land","It’d be a lot-cooler if you did" +"I Don't Understand Why People Have Been Hating On The Police","Roxanne is a really good song" +"Dad joked by Math Teacher So in my media communications class (basically film class) we had to make a video about something in history. I chose the Berlin Wall. Knowing my algebra teacher likes Ronald Reagan and Pink Floyd I ask him if I can interview him. He said no, so I said Please, all you have to do is say something about the Berlin Wall. He said sure, so i go and checkout a tripod and camera from the media communications room and set it up. He gets in front of the camera and I start filming. He says Something about the Berlin Wall","and goes back to grading papers" +"My sister got a new iPhone for Christmas So she and my dad are setting it up today and this happens: Dad: are you syncing","Sister: yes Me: oh no, somebody better call a lifeguard" +"What do you call a deer with no eyes","No idea" +"What was Moses’ favorite color","Red, see" +"Old one from dad So I used to play a lot of video games with my Dad (goldeneye mostly) and if he would ever have to step away it'd usually go like this: Dad: Put the game on dog's feet","Me: *look of confusion* Dad: Paws (Pause)" +"What is the loneliest type of cheese","Provolone" +"Dad joke at Wendy's. I was eating with a few friends of mine, browsing my phone, when a chicken nugget fell from my hand and landed right on my phone","I was commented on the nice catch, to which I replied That was a nice screen saver" +"I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns","I would never armadillo" +"BREAKING NEWS: Apple and Kia Motors have joined forces to produce a kit set electric car in sweden","they are calling it the iKia" +"what kind of fruit can't get married","A cantaloupe" +"Why can you never trust a toilet","They’re full of crap" +"What do you call a fruit that doesn’t want to get married","A Cantaloupe" +"Dad joke on /r/warshipporn http://www. reddit","com/r/WarshipPorn/comments/275749/i_see_your_cruisers_and_raise_you_a_dreadnaught/chxl49v" +"Who uses landlines anymore. Grandparents","And they're called Grandlines" +"Doesn't matter how far you go","My dad was father" +"So my kid was dressed up as the God of Thunder tonight. He bumped his head while getting in the car. Hey, are you ok","Is your head Thor" +"Did you hear the name of the new, extremely tall female Transformer","Amazon Prime" +"What do you call a dangerous comedian","A joke hazard" +"I saw a crowd of chess enthusiasts talking about how good they were when I was going into the theatre","they were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer" +"Two astronauts went to space and just sat in their shuttle watching the beautiful earth rotate","After 24 hours, they finally had enough and decided to call it day" +"Dadjoked by the owner of a small bakery After I grabbed a half dozen donuts, he asked if I wanted to get a full dozen and I declined, mentioning I was trying to lose weight. He handed me a box with another half dozen and said You know if you hold a box in each hand, it'll be a balanced breakfast","" +"What did the bra say to the hat. I'll hold these two up, you go on ahead","My friends 90 something year old grandmother got her with this today" +"Dad joked my step daughter. (I left my glasses in the cupboard. Don't ask). SD: I should have put them in the fridge, that would have been funny. Me: Yeah, and heaps cooler too. Groans from her, laughs from me","Excellent" +"I was gonna make a joke about procrastinating. Eh,","I’ll do it la-" +"Parlez-vous français . Dad: What do you have there in your porridge, son","Son: Just wheat and bananas Dad: Salut and bananas , je suis ton père" +"Do you think oranges want to become juice","or are they pressed into it" +"What do you call a fashionable lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythmn","A metro-gnome" +"Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing","Just in case you get a hole in one" +"I'm thinking about making a line of health food products. I would only use traditional German recipes","I would call it Gluten Tag" +"My office pulled a dadjoke today. Scenario: We're closing up for the day, so we need to lock our doors. One of my co-workers is holding on to the key. Another one of my co-workers said: Quit being so dorky and give me the door key","Groaning followed" +"Can someone please tell me where I can buy a set of tectonic plates for my dinnerware set","I think they would make a great addition to my world cups and super bowls" +"Stopped at a red light. A man on a yellow motorcycle pulls up along side my car. My son says, It looks like he's riding a banana. I reply, I bet he peels out. Edit: He didn't","=(" +"We were discussing the sugar industry in America Professor reminded us what a sweet job it is. He then apologized and said to expect it all semester. He jumped the list on favorite professors. Edit. Lost/ list","Porque no Los dos" +"What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature","Tequila Mockingbird" +"My wife just told me that she is a body builder","I'm so excited to be a dad in 9 months" +"Person 1:. Thanks for introducing me to minimalism. Person 2:. Its the least","I can do" +"Why did the sperm cross the road","Because I put on the wrong socks this morning" +"A black suit should only be worn for mourning now","I need another suit for the afternoon" +"The only gift I got for my birthday is a deck of sticky playing cards","I find that very hard to deal with" +"What animal plays the harp","Harp seal" +"Some times I weigh myself before and after pooping","Just to see how full of shit I really am" +"When Archie's fiancee put her engagement ring near her ear, she could faintly hear guitars, maracas, and soothing Spanish vocals","It was a marry Archie band" +"Flat earthers have nothing to fear","Except sphere itself." +"If I could be anyone, alive or dead","I definitely choose alive" +"What do you call someone who isn't sure if they believe in the Christmas Spirit","You could call him eggnogstic" +"What's Harry Potter's way to get to the bottom of a hill. Running . JK","Rolling" +"Just got my wife with this one. We're getting ready for bed. Wife: It's time for bed, I'm going to brush my teeth. Me: Well good, I married [wife's name], not Hallie tosis","It was totally worth the groaning" +"Somebody just gave me a free air guitar","No strings attached." +"My jokes are bad because my. English isn’t good, but your jokes are great","I shit, you not." +"I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger","And then it hit me" +"Wendy Williams' career must be playing Oregon Trail","Because it's about to die from dissin' Terry" +"Jam for Christmas My parents usually get me a jar of fancy local jam as one of my small assorted gifts at Christmas. After opening it this year, I put it near my ear, shook it, and offered it to my brother: Have you heard my new jam","This sub is taking its toll on my behavior" +"My friend David just lost his ID","Now he's just Dav" +"How my Dad deals with queue jumpers. *A man pushes in front of me and my Dad in the queue for the turnstiles at a football match* Dad - Do you like fish. Queue Jumper - Yes, why","Dad - Because there's a Plaice for you at the back of the line" +"I made my son take off his dragon slayer costume this morning","It wasn't knight time yet" +"Her WHAT. http://imgur","com/RMc9Lld" +"Want to hear a joke about a paper","Never mind- it’s tearable" +"Did you hear about the dwarf psychic who escaped from prison","He's a small medium at large" +"I was asked to give the first initial and last name of my favorite philosopher. But. I said. I","Kant." +"Why can’t a bike stand on its own","It’s two tired" +"What did the duck say to the cashier when he bought a tube of lipstick","Can you put it on my bill" +"My dad asked me how English is going with my teacher Mrs. Vega. So I tell him what happens in Vega's, stays in Vega's","r/kidjokes" +"What is it called when a bunch of smartphones have sex","A 4G" +"What's the scariest animal in the world","A Cari-boo" +"What type of coffee does an amputee prefer","Decalf" +"Me: What language do they speak in Prague","Friend: Czech Me: Can't you just tell me" +"Where were small soft drinks invented","Minisoda" +"I just found out I'm colour blind","The diagnosis came completely out of the purple" +"Dad joke I pulled off on a friend in our group chat http://imgur","com/a/GcpBk" +"I sympathize with these transgendered movements. I too was once a man trapped in a woman's body","Then I was born" +"I hate mirrors","They look too much like me" +"There was a man who scared of power washing","He couldn't stand the high pressure situation" +"TIL:. They're trying to ban shredded cheese in the. US. They're going to make","America grate again" +"Pun enters a room, kills 10 people","Pun in, ten dead" +"Got fired from the aquarium today","I couldn't get along with the dolphins, and my boss said I lacked any sense of porpoise" +"Never try and make a belt made of watches,","It's a waist of time." +"I was talking to a hardcore metal fan and got to thinking","The life of a fan must really blow." +"What do you call a Catholic Sister who's an expert in stealth and martial arts","A nunja" +"If. Russians pronounce. B's as. V's","Then soviet" +"My favourite time of the day is 6:30","Hands down" +"I love to drive and dont see a single car on the road","Driving blindfolded sure has its advantages" +"there is a species of Antelope that is capable of jumping higher than a house","this is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact that a house cannot jump" +"If you look at reddit today a lot of posts about the boy with his clock","never thought it would blow up like this" +"I was watching football with my 11 year old son and wearing a short sleeve shirt. He said, Dad, you have as much hair on your arms as I have on my head","I said, even more interesting, *you* have as much hair on *your* arms as I have on *my* head" +"A wife came home and finds her husband sitting in front of a game of chess. with a raw egg propped up on the other side. She asks: What are you doing. He responds: Well this pancake recipe says I need one beaten egg. So. you decided to play it in a chess game","Well yeah, but the darn egg keeps winning" +"Imagine the Titanic with a lisp","It's unthinkable" +"A man gets arrested for battery charges","Turns out he only plugged in his phone." +"What do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire","Frostbite" +"There was an explosion at the cheese factory today","There was alot of debrie" +"Dad: What are you reading. Me: Reddit. Dad: If you've read it, why are you still reading it","Me:" +"My dad told me he knows every language in the world except Chinese Dad: I know every language in the world except Chinese. Me: That is impossible. I don't believe you. Dad: You don't. I'll prove it to you. Dad: Give me a word in any language and I will translate it into English. Me: \*thinking for a second\* Me: Tell me what a zauberwürfel is Dad: That's Chinese to me","Next" +"What do you get when you divide poop by three","Turds" +"Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road","It got stuck in a crack" +"What do you call a pencil with a broken tip. Nevermind","it's pointless" +"My life highlight has been winning a hide-and-seek tournament in elementary school, no one caught on to my cheating","I peaked early" +"Modern technology has never matched the simplicity and grace of the traditional pen","In fact, there is still no e-quill" +"What do you call someone who takes care of chickens","A Chicken Tender" +"My brother has two kids","Denise and Denephew" +"My son came out to me today","The conversation went as follows: Son: Dad, I'm gay Me: Hi gay I'm Dad Son: Dad I'm not joking Me: I know you're not, you just told me you were gay" +"Got my wife with this one My daughter was singing dramatically the other day while in the bathtub","I said with all that singing it sounded like a soap opera" +"6 year old got me last night. Why is Cinderella a bad soccer player","Because she runs away from the ball" +"What's Irish and stays out all night","Patty'o furniture" +"Why did the scarecrow win an award","Because he was outstanding in his field" +"My wife asked why they don't make dehydrated grapes like the do with bananas, apples, pineapple, etc","I said I didn't know, but I thought she was raisin some good questions" +"Wife's response: Jesus Christ. I want a new husband. I'm sick of dad jokes. Context: we looked up the etymology/meaning of calling someone square earlier this evening. I thought it essentially meant someone who's a goody goody , and so I called my wife a square . (She's a total goody goody. ) Anyway, turns out the origin of square is a derogatory term for someone who isn't hip enough for jazz music. An old-fashioned out-of-touch loser. So just now, my wife says to me I can't beleive you called me square. Me: Yeah. I'm really sorry. I really didn't think that's what it meant. Of course your appreciate jazz music. Wife: Jesus Christ. I want a new husband","I'm so sick of dad jokes" +"I thought removing my snail's shell would make him faster","Turns out that it just made him more sluggish" +"What is the name of the greatest philosopher to ever live","Question Mark" +"Shopping for Indian food and was trying to find some of that flat bread","But there was Nan to be found" +"No bragging but I made six figures last year","So they named me worst employee at the toy factory" +"Apparently I was electrocuted yesterday but have no memory of it. I have no idea watt happened","all I know is my body hertz" +"My movie dad joke that never gets old (to me) Whenever my kids ask what a movie is about, I reply it's about an hour an half","It's very satisfying" +"My son: Hey dad, how do I look. Me: I can't tell My son: Why not","Me: You're not supposed to look directly at the son" +"I told a fart joke to my son","He did not enjoy my scents of humor" +"Why is an executioner a terrible high-fiver","He always leaves you hanging" +"My GPS just told me to turn around","Now I can't see where I'm driving" +"Why is. Cinderella bad at soccer","She always runs from the ball" +"There was this blind kid","who joined the Javascript class, because he couldn't C#" +"My dad's punny. I was telling my dad about one of my high school friends. Her family was very strict, and very catholic. One of the few movies she was allowed to watch was Mary Poppins. My dad comes back with, So her family was Super-Catholic-fragilisticexpealidocious. Then my stepmom and I stared in silence","He silently laughed to himself" +"Dad in training Characters: My wife, my son (four years old), and my daughter (his twin, so obviously also four). ---------------- Son: My classmate didn't like me laughing at her today. Wife: Why were you laughing at her. Son: I'm a vampire. Bwa ha ha ha ha. Wife: OH. Like an evil laugh. Son: Yeah. Bwa ha ha ha ha. Daughter: I'm a witch. Hee hee hee hee. Wife: So you're both monsters. Son: Yep. Daughter: Hee hee hee hee. Wife: Am I a monster too. Son: Yeah. You're a . <dramatic pause> . *mummy*. Whole family in hysterical laughter, and after it dies down he goes, Get it. Mummy. ---------------- I've never been so proud. A spontaneously generated pun of that caliber at four years old, AND an unnecessary clarification/repetition of the joke","I've got high hopes for this one" +"Reddit","I've never even heard of it" +"Budgies. I went to a pet store with my partner last week, and told her","I wondered if they had any budgies going cheap." +"Dadjoked my archery class yesterday Everyone was bitching about the crappy fletching on the arrows. Teacher: Wow, you guys are so picky about your arrows . Me: I guess you could say they are pretty. arrowgant","*groaning ensues*" +"Why are blood physicians so rich","Because blood cells" +"Took a tour of the Federal Reserve the other day. The tour guid told an offensive joke pesos, so I started to leave","He said stop that was not what I mint" +"If a child refuses to sleep during nap time","Are they guilty of resisting a rest?" +"I was told about a prison for dogs","I hear its ruff" +"I’m thinking about investing in Cannabis stock","I’m just worried it will go up in smoke" +"I was at the DMV when my wife called. She asked me, Are you paying your ticket, or just standing there","I told her, It's a fine line" +"I'm on a seafood diet","I sea food, and I eat it" +"What do you call a horse who lives next door","A neighbor" +"My woodwind instrument couldn't afford to pay the rent","Now it's a Hoboe" +"Last night at IHOP Me and some friends had gathered at IHOP for a late dinner. Some of us had ordered coffee, so obviously I used about 6 of the little creamer cups to build a pyramid. I couldn't have been prouder of this result. Friend: That's a nice little pyramid you build of. some used and some unused creamer cups. Me: I'd say its about half and half","Followed by a collective groan from the table" +"My new year's resolution","is 3840 × 2160" +"Wanna build an ark","I Noah guy" +"So my dad and I pull up to a railroad crossing. Dad: You don't have to stop, the train already went. &nbsp; Me: How do you know that, dad","&nbsp; Dad: It left its tracks" +"I have a friend who can tell what a kitchen top is made of just by touching it","He's counter-intuitive" +"Gay jokes aren't funny","Come on guys" +"I ate some sausages last night for dinner","They were just the Wurst" +"Potato-Pop At dinner tonight, I offered a potato to my grandfather when my dad chimed in. Me: Do you want a potato pop. Dad: Whats a potato-pop","I want a potato-pop" +"My dad still has it. Him: Well, well, well, that's a deep subject. Me: What is","Him: Wells" +"What's the hardest thing for a two day sober law student to do","Passing the bar" +"I wish. I were a. British fighter pilot. Those dudes are royal","AF" +"Do not trust atoms","They make up everything" +"“Dad, is the Fibonacci sequence difficult to understand","” Dad: No, it’s as easy as 1,1,2,3" +"Why is geometry always such a disaster","Because it's full of 'wrecked angles'" +"An archaeologist remarks to his assistant that it smells funny in the pyramid. The assistant replies, Sorry, I passed gas. The archaeologist responds, Ah, and so did I","I guess we have a toot in common" +"Apparently. Bruce. Lee had a brutally honest brother that we didn’t know about. Frank","Lee" +"How would bottle-nosed dolphins smell if you cut their nose off. Q : How would bottle-nosed dolphins smell if you cut their nose off","A : Still the same - just like fish" +"Why do Latinos cross the border two at a time","'Cause they see a sign that rewds, No Tres Passing" +"Why are angry rabbits such effective marksman","Because they are cross hares" +"Dad got my family with this one As we're driving, we see a Boyz II Men billboard and my mom says something about it. In response, my dad says, yeah, they used to be called Boys to Men, but now it looks like they're Boys eleven Men","I was the only one who laughed" +"How did the farmer find his wife","He tractor down" +"Co-worked just dropped this IT themed dadjoke on me and it was glorious Me: Do they have any update on what killed the fiber at the site. Co-worker: Apparently the issue is inside the building, past the d-mark. something wrong with the internal fiber Me: Was it cut, burnt. Co-worker: They're saying it looks like rats might have chewed through it","the rats must have needed more fiber in their diets" +"What’s the most crunk place to go to the bathroom","The Lil Jon" +"What time do ducks wake up","At the quack of dawn" +"I took an x-ray to see if my hand was broken","The results were negative" +"I have a phobia of German Sausages","I fear the wurst" +"A pirate walks into a baarrrrrrrrrr. With a ship's steering wheel attached to his testicles. Bartender says, why do you have a steering wheel attached to your testicles","Pirate says, I don't know matey, but it's driving me nuts" +"When. I hang out with my. Mexican friends. I say Mucho more often","It just means a lot to them." +"I have 4 eyes, 2 mouths and 5 ears. What am I","Ugly" +"How often should you wear gloves in the winter","Intermittenly" +"My wife: Why don’t you stop telling terrible Dad jokes and write a book instead. Me: That’s","a novel idea" +"What did the steak tell his son after he won the spelling bee","Well-done" +"By law, you have to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden","How the hell am I supposed to know whether it is raining there" +"Overheard a couple on the subway today **Him**: \**says something surprising*\* **Her**: No way. Get out. **Him**: I can't, this isn't my stop","" +"Is orange an instrument. I was talking to my dad when he cut me off. Me: I've been listening to this band, Mandolin Orange, a lot. It's a folk/Americana duo where the guy plays mandolin and the girl plays. Dad: An orange","Me: -_-" +"My dad loves to take advantage of typos. http://imgur","com/FMBbstS" +"Why did the origami dad lose at poker","Because he kept folding" +"A dadjoke while drinking I was sitting with Friends, having fun conversations, listening to nice music and having some drinks. One guy was offerted some good whisky, but declined, because, as he said, if he was gonna drink whisky he would get sick. With a Grand Smirk on my face, I said Oh, so you would say it is a","'whisky' move After which four beautiful groans were loudly heard" +"I hate it when tech support comes to my house","I'm always missing cookies when they leave" +"Paramedic dad joke. Just heard this one, as a side note, when a medic refers to a stethoscope they sometimes call them ears . Medic 1: Hey can you grab me some ears . Medic 2: *grabs patients ears*","Medic 1: ..." +"[NSFW]I'm hosting an open house next week for people who have trouble climaxing. Let me know if you can't come","Not sure if this truly deserves the NSFW tag, just wanted to play it safe" +"Why can’t prostitutes count to 70","Because 69 is a mouthful." +"A new job My dad just got me good, talking about a job I'm starting while going to school: Dad: Did you hear from HR. Me: yeah I have to go for a drug test. Dad: Do you have to study","Me: Wha-oh my god I hate you I'm the youngest of 5 so he's had a lot of practice" +"My laptop is dumb","Every time it says Your password is incorrect , I type in: incorrect and the stupid thing still tells me the same thing" +"My dad always used to say, The sky's the limit","Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N" +"Was set up for this beauty yesterday in my dad's backyard My dad, my daughter, my sister and I were in my parent's backyard admiring his garden when my dad mentioned that the birds love eating his beet plants. I responded with yeah, they normally snack on them at night. They call them tweets . Hah. I laughed","but it was a solo laugh followed by the awkward pause and topic change" +"Do you know what they say about men with big feet. Damn","you've got some big feet" +"Why didn't the night owl go to the funeral","He wasn't a mourning person" +"Since writers always congregate at. Starbucks, that makes every street where","Starbucks is located a writers block ." +"I took the shell off my pet snail to make him go faster","But now he’s even more sluggish than before" +"I just tried on my. Spider-Man pants for a costume party","They look great but the fly keeps getting stuck" +"Bad. Idea #1. Waterproof","Towels" +"What do you call someone with no brain","dead" +"Ewoks aren't meant to be left outside","their Endor pets" +"My Dad just texted me this joke . Did you see that, Ronaldo almost scored a Portu-goal","Oh Dad, why, just why" +"I can't believe my neighbor put up that brick wall","Even though it happened years ago, I still can't see past it" +"You matter. Until you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared","Then you energy" +"I took my family skiing this weekend","It went downhill from the start" +"I'd tell you a chemistry joke","but all the good ones Argon" +"Did you hear about the Italian chef who died","He pasta-way" +"I'm pretty happy about losing my ability to give electric shocks. You could say","I'm ecstatic" +"It’s been 15 years that the show ended, but I’m amazed that even today I hear “Friends” references","No one ever told me life was gonna be this way" +"My sister texted my mom to say she got her first A in college My dad: There are no A's in college. It's C-O-L-L-E-G-E","I can't believe we spent so much money on school and she still can't spell" +"What do you call a sheep mixed with a drum mixed with a snake","Baa, dum, hiss" +"Whenever. I head to my room and announce that. I need to change","My dad says, Never change." +"An Alien walks in a butcher shop and the butcher says We don't serve aliens here","The alien said That's fine, is the human fresh" +"More of a mom joke in this situation. Dad: I guess listening is a lost art","Mom: What's a lost art" +"It's not that hard to tell alligators and crocodiles apart","one will see you in a while and the other one will see you later" +"What did the pirate say when he turned 80","Aye matey" +"Sad day today, the gentleman who wrote the. Hokey. Pokey passed away but they couldn't bury him","They put his right arm in , he put his right arm out they put his left leg in, he put his left leg out.........." +"Where does IKEA keep all of its inventory","Stockhome" +"What have american beer and sex in a canoe in common","Fucking close to water" +"What do you call a man with shovel in his head","Doug" +"I got the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'yakuza' confused","Now I'm in hot water with the japanese mafia" +"My wife was my first one","The rest were a nine or ten" +"Google Waymo has a self-driving truck. So would that be considered","*semi*\-autonomous" +"Mom got me today. I was telling my mom how I fell on the ice outside my door and landed flat on my butt","She replied with oh no, does it have a Crack in it" +"My wife out dadjoked me on the rebound Either she's getting wise to my jokes or she's tired of them. Doesn't matter because she got me good. We're on a low carb diet and she recently bought a cookbook. So we go out to the store and she picks up some whey protein. We can make pancakes with this. , says the wife. No whey. I remark, holding back my schoolgirl giggle","She rolls her eyes, You're whey out of line this time" +"My girlfriend and I were arguing over whether it's called a sieve or a colander","It strained our relationship" +"I can’t find my. Gone in 60. Seconds dvd","It was here a minute ago!" +"What do you call a dinosaur fart","A blast from the past" +"10 years ago, I loaned my mother-in-law $5k, and I haven't seen or heard from her since","Completely worth it, if you ask me" +"I was told I often get sayings wrong, but it didn't phase me","I didn't even batter an eyelid" +"Who’s the rounded knight at the Round Table","Sir Cumference" +"Oh look, they've got one of those Dyson fans. Myself and my wife and our youngest son went for breakfast this morning and she spotted a Dyson bladeless fan on the counter pointed towards the kitchen. 'Oh look, they've got one of those Dyson fans', she says. Obligatory Dad reply 'That's kinda cool","'Oh my God', with rolled eyes and attempt to hide behind her menu while I crack up laughing" +"What did Donald Trump say to Kim Jong un","SEND NUKES" +"You know what I find boring","Drilling holes into things" +"What do you call a fat psychic","A Four-Chin teller" +"When you really have to pee but can’t find a bathroom","Urine trouble" +"My cat's a f'n commie","All he ever talks about is Mao" +"My boyfriend dropped this one on me while shopping. We were at the shoe store while he was trying on a pair of boots and I asked if he needed a shoe horn","Without hesitation he responds, Well I would, but every time I try to play them, they never work" +"Girlfriends brother drops food on his lap at the dinner table Dad: What are you feeding that thing for","Don't you know that it will grow on its own" +"Why should you keep your pennies","Cause it makes sense" +"We got called to a crime scene at a Swiss Cheese Factory","We were trying to get the full story but we think there's holes in it" +"Why were the cows disappointed in their number collection","Because they lactate" +"Told my girlfriend I needed a new butt. Cause mine has a crack in it","Eyes were rolled" +"My sister got a strange one Me: You know that mass shooting that happened in that theater some years ago. Sister(in all seriousness): Wait, how was there a mass shooting in a theatre shouldn't that have happened in a Church or something","She seemed pretty serious about it, while I was literally in awe (not too bright sibling generally)" +"Our wedding was so beautiful","Even the cake was in tiers!" +"Why was the roof so lonely","It's always shingle" +"What do you call it when a group of crows make plans to get together","Premeditated murder" +"My mom had the flu and lost five pounds. My Dad: I see you're on the Disturbed diet Mom:","Dad: Your dinner came up, and you got down with the sickness" +"Wife asked for advice on mosquito bites","I told her to stop being attractive." +"A trio of well-dressed clergymen just waked into a restaurant","They were wearing their three-priest-suits" +"How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb","Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change" +"My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry eachother","Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age" +"I have peaked Dad Jokeness *[Just some context]* Like my father, I sneeze loudly. I sneeze so loudly in fact, while walking my dog this morning, my wife heard me sneeze from 200m away, in our apartment. When I got home my wife greeted me, ** Hello, Sneezer","** I replied, devastated, Et tu Brute" +"I woke up this morning, looked down at my hands, and heard a voice yell, “Death to America","” I think I might have terror wrists" +"I've spent the past five years working at a can crushing factory","It's soda pressing" +"At my book club, I wondered why they were throwing Stephen King novels around","Then IT hit me" +"What do agnostic dyslexic insomniacs do","They stay up at night wondering if there really is a dog" +"My wife to our son, Go brush your teeth with your sister","Me from the other room, No, use a toothbrush ." +"The man at the Christmas tree store asked me Are you gonna put that tree up yourself. No you pervert, I'm going to put it in my living room","" +"Have you ever smelled mothballs before","how did you get his little legs apart" +"My mom said she needed to call her facialist. Dad: Whadda ya need to call me for, I'm sittin' right here","Disgust aside, had to give the dude props" +"What did the clock do when it was hungry","It went back 4 seconds" +"Was at the zoo, noticed the snake house was carpeted","Surprised they didn't use rep-tile" +"What is a vampire's favorite fruit","a nectarine" +"My English jokes aren't that funny, so I'll tell you a Spanish one","Uno" +"Got a workmate yesterday. Surprised myself with it too. Me: I just found out yesterday that 1800 *(one eight hundred)* phone numbers are free to call. Him: Yeah, that's why they're 1800 numbers. Me: But 1300 phone numbers charge to call. Him: Yeah, they charge a local call cost from landlines. Me: You'd think they'd make the 1300 numbers free calls","Then they'd be one free hundred" +"The theater where we saw Hamilton was very cold","Good thing I brought a sweater, or I would have been talking about Aaron Burrrrrrr the whole time" +"What do you call French sandals","Phillipe Phillops" +"My roommates get mad when. I steal kitchen utensils. But it's a whisk","I'm willing to take." +"During this lighting storm, my 9 year old daughter got me. It's raining really bad right now (we live in Florida). There's rain, thunder & lighting. I was in my bedroom when we hear a loud thunder clap. I heard my daughter scream & I instinctively ran to her room. She sees me, starts to laugh & says daddy, I wasn't that scared . I reply sorry baby, I was just checking","She goes I'm ok, it just shocked me & then laughed" +"Dadjoked a stranger at a party Hanging out drinking some beers with some people, one girl asks the host, Where should I put my cans. To which I deftly reply, I think you should probably just keep them in your shirt","Host loses it, girl looks kind of embarassed, quick to apologize to her and she was cool about it" +"If a child refuses to nap","… are they guilty of resisting a rest" +"One of the best things about living in. Switzerland is its flag","It's a big plus." +"Did you hear about the horseback-riding business that got shut down by the IRS","Apparently they were paying their employees under the stable" +"One way to solve the current water shortage is to integrate all Amazon Prime accounts","According to Calculus, we will get an Amazon, plus a sea" +"“Dad, I want to be a history major","” Dad: I don’t see any future in it" +"Why did the blind man fall into the well","Because he couldn't see that well" +"When I first started growing out my beard, I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep it or not","But it's really grown on me" +"I may be in my 20s and single but today I cracked a pretty good dad joke Im helping clean out an old garage that's been filled with random storage for a couple decades. For the last 10ish years it's had a mouse problem. A couple weeks ago I set out traps and none of us have had time to be there since. Came back today and three of the four had caught mice. Pretty happy with that. I chucked out the carcasses and when I went to reset the traps I got a bit of a surprise and my comment drew my friend over. What's up. he asks. Look at this, I reply, showing him the traps. After the first three mice got caught another one came along, opened the lid, and ate the rest of the peanut butter. And then look at this. He stuck his nose into the fourth and are just enough of it not to trigger the trap. Holding up the trap and showing the teeth marks in the peanut butter. That's. disturbing, he replies, why'd you bait it with peanut butter though. Wouldn't fruit be better. Well, I looked it up online, * and three out of four mice say it's to die for. ——— Until the * I genuinely intended to say why. But it was too good to pass up","Also, anyone have a cat I can borrow" +"What’s the name of a man who rolls around in leaves","Russell" +"Why do birds fly south for the winter","Because it's too far to walk" +"One of my dad's all time favorites. Why are music and candy the same","Because you keep the good stuff and throw away the wrapper" +"Such A Waist","Orion’s Belt is a huge waist of space" +"Moving furniture upstairs My friends and i were moving a heavy dresser upstairs. We would say One, two, three, LIFT. He watched from the bottom of the stairs and shouted, Try countin to two now","Youll get there in half the time" +"Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason","Yeah me too" +"Once you’ve seen one shopping center","You’ve seen the mall" +"Why did the fisherman cross the road. For the halibut. Didn’t go so well in /r/jokes","thought /r/dadjokes would appreciate it" +"My boss asked me: Why you don't have a tie","I said: Why knot" +"My girlfriend just decided to go and be a vegetarian. It's like","I never knew herbivore." +"I made a bet with a friend of mine that I could lose more weight than him in a month","I lost 10 pounds" +"Just started a new business selling speaking clocks. How's it going","Time will tell" +"My grandpa tells this one pretty often I've been reading a book about reverse gravity lately","I just can't put it down" +"You need to eat your spinach","Nobody’s leafing the table until you do" +"You will never guess who I saw today","Everyone that I looked at" +"Did you hear about that guy who dipped his testicals in glitter","Pretty nuts" +"How many ears does Captain Kirk have","3: a left ear, a right ear, and a final frontier" +"What's the best part of Switzerland","I'm not exactly sure but their flag is a big plus" +"Why was the broom late to work","It over-swept" +"Got to use this classic today Wife and I are buying a house and going through financial records. Seeing how our loan company is questioning every single transaction, a mysterious deposit was made that took us a while to figure out where it came from. When we finally figured out the transaction: Wife: That could have been a real booger","Me: You think it's a booger, but it snot" +"I almost answered the phone when my talkative German brother-in-law was calling me, but thankfully I recognized the number","That was a Klaus call" +"What’s an amputee ninja’s favorite weapon","The nub chuck" +"A book just fell on my head","I've only got myshelf to blame" +"Want to hear a word I just made up","Plagiarism" +"While studying just now, my brother asked his friend what she knew about 'mitosis'. I told him, I think they're on your feetses","I have never been more proud of a joke" +"If. I could be any person, living or dead,","I’d definitely be a living person." +"My dad has the heart of a lion","And a lifetime ban from the city zoo" +"With great reflexes","Comes great response ability" +"Did you hear about the band named 1023MB","They don't have a gig yet" +"which dinosaur was the most polite","plesiosaur" +"Please, upvote my page https://gyazo","com/834c22c4f81bed29213d5787228a1d53" +"You can't run at a camp site","You can only ran, because it's past tents" +"How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb","Hey, wanna go ride bikes" +"Stairs have always seemed a bit suspicious","They always seem to be up to something" +"What happened to cars illegally parked in the frog lot","They got toad" +"The waiter gave me a ribeye that. I didn’t order","It was a mis-steak" +"I'm bald and im going to get a head tattoo of multiple rabbits","So from a distance it looks like hares" +"Ever since the power company shut off my electricity","I’ve been in a very dark place." +"Why can't bikes stand up by themselves","Because they're too tired" +"I was on the table with my son pretending to be shooting guns around our living room. My wife came storming in angrily, looked at us and shouted, 'Get down. ' I said, 'Follow the commander's orders, son","There might be an ambush" +"What is the fastest liquid on earth. Milk","because its pasteurized before you see it" +"[OC] Why are executioners so bad at high fives","They always leave people hanging" +"Excellent dad joke Girlfriend: I'm emailing you the excel file. Me: Excellent","She doesn't want kids, but little does she know I'm already a dad at heart ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)" +"You should never trust a harp","They’re big lyres." +"My pregnant cousin was leaving our easter get together","Father pats pregnant cousins belly : you're gonna make like a baby and head out" +"Dad joked in the car My dad is known in the family for being a fast driver, and while we were in the neighborhood he was going a little too fast so my mom yelled at him to stop. So he stops the car in the road and goes, Right here. But our house is a mile away","She was not amused" +"Dad, did you get a haircut","No, I got them all cut" +"Why was Pavlov's hair so soft","He conditioned it" +"So I was mowing our lawn the other day and I wasn't wearing any shoes","My dad shouted at me from the balcony and said If you cut off your legs mowing that lawn, don't you come running to me" +"What do you call a fake noodle","An impasta" +"To all maths students","Did you know a polygon is a dead parrot" +"11 year old dad joked me. Kid: hey have you seen the movie Constipated. Me: Hmm. no","Kid: That's because it hasn't come out yet" +"A storm blew away 25% of my roof","Oof" +"I just saw two construction workers laughing. You know what they were building","Friendship 😀" +"A traffic cop went to the trouble of leaving a note under the wipers to let me know I'd positioned my car correctly. It said Parking fine","So that was nice" +"Somebody offered me a protein shake. But","I said no whey." +"I heard recently that an optometrist had to get glasses","Isn’t that eyeronic" +"Why did the sapling go to jail","Treeson" +"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer","I dont know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day" +"Why did the cow cross the road","To moo to the udder side" +"Dad joked myself tonight (Oscars spoilers). I'm watching the. Oscars tonight, and after seeing. Leo's performance, my mom said he had a 40s look to him, and. I said that's probably why he played such a. Great","Gatsby" +"My wife believes in psychics, and I don’t","So we had to settle for a happy medium" +"My Dad's worst (and coincidentally most-often-told) joke. I miss him. When I was in the Navy, I was on the deck of a destroyer one day, and I saw a the periscope of an enemy submarine surface nearby. So, quick as a flash, I whipped off my hat and dropped it over the periscope. As the periscope was covered, the submarine didn't realise it had reached the surface, so it kept rising","and when it got to 10,000 feet, we shot it down with the anti-aircraft guns" +"I tried the “If you love something, set it free” thing","But my kids are still here" +"I dad-joked a Yellow Jacket on his deathbed I was sitting in the back yard with a friend, when we notice this yellow jacket on the ground. He's crawling around and something is obviously wrong, as he can't fly and was making slow, pained movements around a plastic spoon. My friend says Should we help him","I replied, Maybe we can take him to the wasp-ital" +"I have daily sex","I mean, dyslexia" +"If you have a child by surrogate, does that make you an early adopter","Literally a dad joke" +"One of my students hit me with this today One of my kids walked up and asked if I wanted to hear a joke, here's how that went. - Mr. tman916x my friend David lost is I. What should we call him. - I don't know, what. - Dave. Needless to say I was pretty impressed","" +"A young boy walks up to his father with a mouse and it's tail missing. The boy is worried, thinking the mouses life is ruined since it no longer has its tail","The father says Don't worry son, it can always go to the retail store" +"hemorrhoids Doctor: This is the best medicine to treat hemorrhoids","Dad: Well, I don't think they deserve a treat" +"What's the line that separates a regular joke from a dad joke","The punch line" +"Would you believe there are people that think there's oceans on the moon","What a load of lunacy" +"A jockey was disqualified after training his horse to attack other riders","It was an excessive use of horse." +"My girlfriend just broke up with me for making too many linkin park references","But in the end it doesn't even matter" +"Got my dad with this one. Dad: So I made the mistake of wearing my watch to hockey practice [as a kid] and sure enough the puck smashed it. Me: What happened to the guy who shot it","Did he get a time out" +"What do rabbits say before their meals","Lettuce Pray" +"An almost enlightened Buddhist was working on the set of Wheel of Fortune","He was near-Vanna" +"At a friend’s wedding, my drunk girlfriend came up to me and asked what I thought of her dancing","I said, “It’s quite staggering" +"People make such a big deal about vegans, but I don’t get it","I have never had a beef with one" +"Do you know why i don't go to art shops","They're too sketchy" +"My wife is the new dad joke champ I saw a cyclist with a safety vest flying behind him, tied around his waist, and said “Weird, he’s got a tail. ” Without skipping a beat my wife says “it’s a cautionary tale","” I’m a lucky guy" +"What did the tie say to the hat","You go on ahead, I'll hang around here" +"Got my gf today at the movies Her: I love movie theater popcorn so much. It's just so good. Even people that don't like popcorn like movie theater popcorn. Me: I guess you could say it's. popular corn","She was not pleased" +"Murphy's Law Dad: Have you heard of Murphy's Law. Me: Yeah, if something can go wrong, it will go wrong. Dad: Correct, have you heard of Cole's Law. Me: No, what's that","Dad: Thinly sliced cabbage" +"A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter","” The doctor looks at him and says, “Sorry, I don’t follow you" +"Why is it called the Dark Age","Because of all the Knights" +"Watching Finding Nemo with my dad and little bro when. Setting: movie theater during the fish are friends scene; aka heavy talking (Dad) psst (Me) what (Dad) where do fish go to have a drink (Me) *not able to hear dialogue* Idc shhhh (Dad) a can-tuna (Me) goddammit EDIT: Thanks for getting me to the frontpage of /r/dadjokes for a day","I'm glad you all benefitted from my pain" +"What does a bee say when it returns to their home","Honey, I'm home" +"The old man just hit me with this. Why can't you surf microwaves","Because they are too small" +"Gravity is one of the most essential forces in the universe. What do you get when you remove it","Gravy" +"What do you do when you see a space man","Park your car, man" +"I keep hearing camo skirts are in this season","but I haven't seen any yet" +"My girlfriend really changed after she became a vegan","It's like I've never seen herbivore" +"“Dad, can you call mom’s phone. She can’t find it. ” “Absolutely. ‘Mom’s phone","Mom’s phone" +"Dad every morning me: how'd you sleep","Dad: lying down" +"Told my stepdad I'm going to take a shower","His response, well you can use it, but leave it there when you're done" +"Did you know that horses have six legs","Two legs in the back, and fore legs in the front" +"The experts said my smoke alarms were too old. but they still work just fine","I think they are just being alarmists" +"Dad dropped this one at the Table last night What do you call a Woman with one leg. Eileen. What do you call a Chinese Woman with one leg","Irene" +"What is Mario’s favorite island","Oahuuuuuuuuu" +"Mayan. Ruins. One of my physical therapy patients recently came back from a cruise, explaining one of his experiences at the. Mayan ruins and pulled this one out, I was walking around,","Mayan my own business" +"I was going to tell a joke about time travel,","But you didn't get it." +"A typical thread. http://imgur","com/a/8D7wG" +"Surgery So my dad owns a computer repair company, and he needed surgery for a cyst in his neck today. He sent me a picture of his head wrapped in bandages when he was on his way home saying Added in some memory today","To which I responded: Did they have to RAM it in" +"My Father thinks he is so bright. This evening at dinner I noticed that a light bulb was off in the dining room. Since I had already finished my meal, I ask my parents if I should change it. Upon receiving confirmation, I asked if it'd be alright if I turned the light off, so as not to electrify my digits. Mom said no, because I shouldn't be touching the socket. Then, my Dad said If you did, it'd be very enlightening","I had to set the light bulb down and give a slow clap in approval" +"The 90s summed up","90+91+92+93+94+95+96+97+98+99=945" +"Why do tigers have stripes","So they cant be spotted" +"Why did the environmentally-friendly factory require that its workers start wearing suspenders to work","They wanted to eliminate waist products" +"What did the skunk preacher say to his congregation. LET US SPRAY","My 73 year old dad told this joke to me this morning" +"I was hiking with my friends when I dropped this one. Friends and I were hiking and I grabbed a long stick to widdle. I took out my knife and began to cut the stick in the half but I didn't have success","I looked at my friends and said this knife isn't going to cut it" +"I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals","I M L I VI D" +"Mom: I'm going to run down to my cousin's house. She needs to borrow the car","Dad: If she needs the car, maybe you should drive there" +"The grocery store employee was not amused. I was at a warehouse store yesterday and turned down an aisle to see two employees standing over a spilled gallon of pancake syrup","Boy, that looks like a sticky situation Neither employee laughed" +"What is Yoda’s last name","Layheehoo" +"The sun doesn't need to go to college","It already has 28 million degrees" +"The thing is some of these Dad jokes are like a tire","Sometimes they fall a little flat" +"My wife's really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction","So I packed up my stuff and right" +"Even though my collection of shale, sandstone, limestone and coal isn't worth a whole lot","it has a lot of sedimental value to me" +"I really don't understand the appeal of this popular new game everyone is talking about [if you haven't heard of it, it's called 'Pokemango'](https://imgur","com/GSLGmFZ)" +"Man, I really love my furniture","me and my recliner go way back" +"Why don't atheist have to pay taxes","Apparently Atheism is a non-prophet organization" +"My dad got me good today. The first couple days of winter have really delivered for us, and it's cold and snowy where we are. My dad walked over to the window where the thermometer is and the following conversation ensued: Dad: Let's see what Arthur says. Me: You named the thermometer Arthur. Why. Dad: Arthur-mometer","I rarely walk into those setups so easily and he was so pleased with himself" +"Han. Solo's best friend doesn't smoke. He","Chew-bacca" +"I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone","Because a flush always beats a pair" +"While watching USA vs Argentina My dad: Are we playing the Pirates. Me: What. My dad: Are we playing the Pirates","*motions to the tv* It says ARG" +"Rebellious. Chem student. A rebellious. Chemistry student was asked to give the formula for. Nitrogen. Monoxide,","NO he yelled as he stormed out of the room." +"How can you tell all ants are female","Cause if they were males they’d be uncles" +"Why don't they put advertisement on the hulk","He's basically a giant banner" +"How do you make holy water","You boil the hell out of it" +"One night. I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars and","I said to myself, “My roof has disappeared”" +"What continent has the saltiest food","NA" +"Got my fiance after a long day. We had a long day at class and I had to do some things for a project late at night and she was helping me even though she didn't need to. Her: I'm the best fiance and don't say I'm not. Me: I'm not","Her: I'm going to bed" +"Breathing 101","Inspire before you expire." +"How much does a roof cost","Nothing - it’s on the house" +"Dad-joked my way to a Pub Quiz victory Sorry to toot my own horn, but I really liked this. The pub quiz guy was reading out the answers. Him: The answer to question 29 is Niki Lauda Me: Niki what. Him: Lauda Me: NIKI WHAT. He gave us half a point for that joke. We won by a quarter of a point","Boom" +"I'll leave this one here for the dads What do you call a guinea pig with wheels","A Lamborguineapig" +"If you leave a grape out in the hot sun, it will shrivel and dry up","Just raisin awareness" +"I’ve been diagnosed with the fear of giants","Feefiphobia" +"Want to hear a joke about paper. Never mind","It’s tearable" +"A bee recently knocked on my door","I had to buzz him in." +"Technicaly speaking","Cannibals are just fed up with people" +"I’m afraid of elevators","But I’ve started taking steps to avoid it" +"Son: DAD. I broke my arm in three places","Dad: Don’t go to them places then" +"Dig poem. I dig. You dig. We dig. She dig. He dig. They did","Not a great poem but its really deep" +"I was up all night wondering where the sun went","then it dawned on me" +"I saw a suspicious looking guy around my yard yesterday","I sternly told him I thought he was a thief I hope he doesn't take a fence" +"My neighbor died drinking turpentine. Helluva way to go","But, what a finish" +"Yesterday a clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice","Jester." +"I've dreamed up a new color","It was a pigment of my imagination." +"After being broken up with my short girlfriend my friends ask why did I suddenly decide to attend women basketball","I need a rebound girl" +"I told my dad a semsester in Europe would be awesome and this is his response. Me: Hey dad I'm thinking of studying abroad","Dad: Just make sure its the right broad hahahahaha" +"What's a flat tire's favorite vegetable","A spare, I guess" +"I'll call you later","Don't call me later call me dad" +"What’s so great about Switzerland. Well. the flag is a big plus","🇨🇭" +"A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors. But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect","Luckily the judge was lenient, as he saw a lot of himself in the young man" +"Decided to tell my parents some good news with a dad joke So, do you have to work on Labor Day this year. No, we both have off. Did you hear they're changing it next year. What. Yeah, they're moving it to April. Looks of confusion At least that's what my doctor said. The dawning of comprehension on their faces, then big smiles and hugs. . Btw, I am a woman. I didn't specify in the post, but the context clue would be MY doctor. I was just raised on sarcasm and corny jokes","" +"While I was at the store with my dad, fiance sent me a picture of shelf he had just built. While I was at the store with my dad, my fiancé sent me a picture of shelf he had just built. Then I mentioned it to my dad who said, So he sent you a SHELFie","And he laughed heartily at his own brilliant humor" +"My son trying to connect to the printer through WiFi with his laptop Son: Dad, my computer can't find the WiFi printer anymore. Me: I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password Son: Why Bob Marley","Me: Because it's always jammin Son: God damn it" +"Google can has dad jokes too http://i. imgur. com/9CAbEbS","png" +"Did you hear about the dog chasing a car","He got exhausted" +"What do we want. A Cure for ADD. When do we want it","Squirrel" +"What did Spock find in the toilet","The Captains log" +"I work at a fancy restaurant. Customer: Excuse me, could you please call me a taxi. Restaurant Manager: You are a taxi. Customer: . What","*Entire restaurant groans" +"What do you call a busy mountain","Neverest" +"My dog wouldnt stop eating the furniture so I decided to put him down","This morning I called him fat and said he had no friends" +"Was feeling punny at work Customer: Are you from hardware","Me: No, I'm from *instert hometown*" +"What did the orange say to the lemon","'yello" +"My doctor told me I'm a hypochondriac","I said oh no, not that as well" +"There's one place in. South. America where it's always","Chile outside." +"What happened to the worm whose brother who got cut in two","He gained two half-brothers" +"Did you hear about the man who quit his job as a can crusher","It was soda-pressing" +"I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon","I expect that'll come back to bite me" +"A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word. “No, go right ahead. ” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says “plethora”, and sits back down","“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot" +"It was so cold yesterday","I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pocket" +"I farted in my wallet","Now I have gas money" +"What does a vegan zombie say","Graaaaaaaaains" +"Wife asked me if I wanted some Bacon and Eggs Wife: Do you want some bacon and eggs. Me: Sure. Wife: What kind of eggs do you want. Me: Chicken","*glaring intensifies*" +"Dad: What's green and invisible. Dad (*points at his empty hand, palm facing up*):","This cabbage" +"Some coworkers were talking about some trouble they were having with knives They said it was a nightmare I said wouldn't that be more of a","knifemare" +"What kind of nut pees onto his own facial hair","A piss-stache-io" +"Turns out my electrician is really into music. He kept talking about. AC","DC" +"Do ants have dicks","No because then they'd be uncles" +"My mom got me this morning So I was making breakfast and, for some reason, my mother asked if I knew where Tuscan is. I answered Italy and she said yes and also said that we went there a good while ago. I answered Ca doit faire mille ans par contre , wich is French for It's been a thousand years though . Now, you must know that Mille ans is pronounced roughly Mill An","She answered Yes, we've also been there and I groaned" +"I lost my watch at a party. When I went looking for it, I saw some dude stepping on it while harassing a girl","So I walked to the dude and punched him straight in the nose because no one does that to a girl… Not on my watch" +"If you don't want the peer pressure","get a boat" +"What do you call a pony with a sore throat","A little hoarse" +"What do you call a white supermacist with nice curves","ThiKKK" +"Why was the blind man told to leave the Library","He was getting too ex-sighted Sorry, I just thought of it and had to tell someone" +"My uncle hit my cousin with this yesterday. http://i. imgur. com/DKPosTP","jpg" +"When I got pinkeye I went to a conjunctivitis website for help","It was quite a site for eye sores" +"What did the hurricane say to the palm tree","Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob" +"What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut","I'm a cashew" +"This steak is so rare. Brother: This steak is so rare","Dad: Not really, you can find it at any supermarket" +"A chicken pie in jamaica costs £2. 00 A chicken pie in trinidad costs £2. 15 A chicken pie in st kitts costs. £2","30 These are the pie-rates of the carribean" +"Why did the scarecrow win an award","Because he was outstanding in his field \*kneeslap\*" +"How do you make Lady Gaga cry","Poke her face" +"A rapper walks into a bank. Rapper: I want to take out a loan. Banker: Sure we can do that for you. Rapper: But I want you to post it to me. Banker: What","Rapper: I want you to Post Malone" +"I needed more bass on my submarine, so I brought my dog with me","He's a subwoofer" +"My wife is really pissed that I spent a lot of money to buy a make your own perfume kit","But it just made scents to me" +"Judge told Mickey he couldn't divorce Minnie for being silly. Mickey said I didn't say she was silly","I said she was fucking Goofy" +"South Korea is so much more inviting than North Korea","North Korea is a Seoulless place" +"I embarrassed myself with this one today Talking to a coworker from Minnesota, while we currently live on the east coast: So how was your easter. Or do you guys celebrate midwester out there. No laughs, just silence","I think I did well" +"I think I'm turning into a dad and I'm only 17 My friend was helping me on a piece of music I was having trouble with. Him: You're rushin'. (rushin'=rushing=playing the music faster than the tempo) Me: No, I'm Italian There were only two other people in the room","One of them looked at me like I had murdered their dog, and the other was on the floor for a solid two minutes" +"I told my wife we should pack it up and start over as eskimos. She’s not really","Inuit" +"My sister hit her hand on the lamp","So my mother said Did it make you so mad you decided to punch it's lights out" +"What did Adam said to Eve when she was feeling sleepy","Everest" +"Where do you get boat's milk from","The rudder" +"Why do people like working at the Red Lobster. It helps them get out of their shell","Dad dropped this exquisite cringe as we drove by" +"After years of searching I finally discovered the Fountain of Doubt","I'm not sure if it works or not" +"How do oceans say hello","It waves" +"You know who repairs atoms","_Quantum Mechanics_ My dad just shared this with me" +"Why does the Norwegian navy have bar codes on their ships","So they can Scandinavian" +"I want to make a deposit to a clothing bank. But. I’m worried","I’ll be arrested for money laundering" +"I have to cram for my big rig driving school test tomorrow","It's my semi-final" +"I've practiced firing my shotgun a lot but I don't think I'm improving","It's hard to gauge" +"Calc professor gets it My calc professor of 300+ students is going over lines in 3D space. He asks the class what it is called when two lines don't intersect but aren't parallel. A guy a few rows in front of me confidently says skew out loud. The professor looks at him and says bless you","The class giggled a bit and he laughed for like a minute" +"Every time I visit my friend, he insists that we only listen to electronic dance music","He wouldn’t techno for an answer" +"I think we can all come up with a better name for underwear","Butt hat’s none of my business" +"Why can you buy corn at KFC","Because of the Kernel" +"I went to the zoo the other day. One of the new exhibits was a piece of toast in a cage. I asked the zookeeper what's that all about. He said","Its bread in captivity" +"I just spent $300 for a limousine and found out it doesnt come with a driver","Cant believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it" +"Anybody wanna hear a joke about pizza","Never mind, it’s too cheesy" +"How do you fight off the flu","With kung-flu" +"Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV When he showed up, I said to him I thought there'd be four of you","Got an eye roll and a kick for that one" +"Jokes about plaid are simply not okay","Far too many lines get crossed" +"Son: Dad, can you put my shoes on","Dad: I can try but I don't think they'll fit" +"Why cant a bear become a koala","It doesnt have the proper Koalafications" +"What is the honeymoon salad","Leaf us alone without the dressing" +"[LONG] Found this on my girlfriend's Dad's facebook. Sorry, but I need to vent. So I went to Target to get some clearance Halloween stuff. I noticed this lady was staring at me in the same aisle I was in. No biggie. I moved to the next aisle and here she comes. Again. STARING. So now I'm like, What is her problem. I finish up my shopping and head to the check out line. Of course who is there ahead of me but this same lady. She turns around and starts staring again. So I start playing with my phone b/c I'm getting a little uncomfortable. Finally she says I want to apologize for staring at you, but you look just like my son who just passed away. I felt really bad after that and gave her my condolences. She says Thank you. but I have a favor to ask. I know it's weird and understand if you don't want to, but can you give me a hug and say 'Bye Mama' to me. Inside I was like buuuuh. , but understanding grief the way that I do, I went ahead and did it. She smiles, thanks me, and leaves. The cashier rings up my stuff and the total comes out to $100. I knew something wasn't right, because it should have been like $40 or so. The cashier then tells me that my total was included with my mom's. I'm like, What. She said, Your mom said you were paying for her last few items along with your things. I told her that the woman was most definitely NOT my mom. She said, well I saw you hug her and heard you call her mama. I'm like OMG. I flew out of the store looking for this horrible person, ready to drag her back in, I see her loading up her car. She saw me and jumped in her car, I got to her as she was putting her leg in, and I started pulling her leg hard enough that her wooden leg came off. Omg how is this happening right now. So I grabbed her other leg and started pulling","Just like I'm pulling yours right now" +"My friend said that. I'm in a deep pit of water","I know he means well." +"How did Harry Potter get down the stairs. Walking, J","Rowling" +"When golfers make golf jokes","Are they just meta-fores?" +"Setting up Christmas lights with my dad Me, holding one end of a string of lights: Ok, Dad, grab a side. Dad: Isn't that what kills grabs. Me: What. Dad: Grabacide","He burst out laughing for a full minute" +"What do you call a gay contortionist","A fruit roll-up" +"My brother got some ants in his pants at the beach","Dad: What do your uncles think about that?" +"I made a shed but my horse won't go inside","He says it doesn't look stable." +"Fancy. Pizza. Date. Went out to town the other day to. La. Pizzeria. GF was looking at the menu and said: I wonder how big the 10 inch pizza is . Me:. About 10 inches","Eyes were rolled." +"I know this awesome guy who created a perfect joke everyone still laughs at after 34 years","Thanks for everything, dad" +"Anybody up for a pizza joke","Nevermind it's too cheesey" +"So. I was asking my brother how come he only uses his superpowers on my daughters","He said it’s because he only has telekinesis not telekinephews" +"Spanish Cat Congress My boyfriend gave me the worst stink eye for this one: What would you call members of a Spanish cat congress","Delegatos" +"If someone makes another pancake joke","I’m gonna batter them" +"In an orchestra where does the oboe sit","Three spots behind the elbow" +"Dad jokes that don't make sense at first. But then. My Dad would always make jokes that no one got at first and then he'd explain and the cheesiness level was off the charts. Like we'd say Bye. if we were leaving and he'd say Sell. Or if were were leaving the dinner table we'd say call me back for dessert and then he'd yell Hey, back for dessert . Everytime he sees someone jogging he says leave earlier. When we'd ask why, he'd say well, if they left earlier, they would have to run","That joke is family lore in our household" +"What do you call a fish without an eye","Fsh" +"I find rechargeable batteries revolting","Watt's the problem with that" +"Her: Did you just pretend to like romantic comedies when we were dating. Me: Yes","I don’t love Love Actually actually" +"What kind of street does a ghost live on","A dead end" +"I drew a picture of a criminal","He looks pretty sketchy" +"10 year old gets 18 year old at the dinner table Big son: For a while now . I've had the impression there's something wrong with this chair","Little son: Maybe you're just having a bad chair day" +"When I got lost with my Dad as a passenger and ended up passing a cemetery D: What app do ghosts use to get directions. Me: What","D: Boo-ghoul maps" +"Last night. I dreamt that. I was a muffler. Because","I am exhausted!" +"Where's the one place it's acceptable to drink and drive","The golf tee" +"Pancake day really crepe'd up on me this year","I hope this joke doesn't fall flat" +"I like my ceiling","It's not the best, but it's up there" +"Dads are like boomerangs","I hope." +"What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland","Well, the flag is a big plus" +"What do you call a watch on a belt","A waist of time" +"What do a male deer and a beaver have in common","They both have buck teeth" +"What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup","Anyone can learn to roast beef" +"I was discussing a new job opportunity with my mother and I texted her that it was in Milan, Italy. Her text back was Nice. I responded No, Nice is in the South","Milan is in the North" +"Got my mom at dinner tonight We sat down to eat and after a few minutes my mom asked, Is the chicken okay","To which I replied, No, I think he's dead" +"Do you know why dogs are so good at acting. Paws","For dramatic effect" +"Two guys are sitting in a boat. They have a bunch of cigarettes, but neither of them brought any matches to light them","So one of the guys throws one cigarette off the boat, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter" +"My friend brought up Hiroshima and Nagasaki in conversation today","Talk about a blast from the past" +"If pronouncing v's like b's makes me sound russian","Then soviet" +"The guys at the christmas tree lot are always so nostalgic","I guess they're in a pretty sappy business" +"I've been saying mucho more often while talking to my hispanic friends","It means a lot to them" +"Why did the cowboy adopt a miniature dachshund","Because he wanted to get a long lil doggie" +"What do you call a one eyed dinosaur","D'ya think he saw us" +"So this blind guy came in my shop with his seeing eye dog. He was swinging it around his head by its leash. I said what are you doing","And he said oh, I'm just looking around" +"I'm thinking about selling my theremin","I haven't touched it in years" +"An antique clock that hasn't worked in years just sounded at midnight. I was horrified","I thought my time was up" +"Watson is heavily constipated. Holmes, for once, is stumped. He asks Watson what the problem is","Watson replies: No shit, Sherlock" +"Astronauts on the ISS are always in perfect health","They are never under the weather" +"Girlfriend got me good, period. Im a photographer and was telling her about an assignment to photograph a woman and her early 20th century car and that the woman would be wearing authentic era clothing for the portrait. Me: And she'll be wearing period appropriate clothing","Girlfriend: So she'll be wearing sweatpants" +"What is an otaku's favorite fruit","BaNANI?" +"what do you call a dog that can do magic tricks","a labracadabrador" +"We have a metal paddle for our canoe","I told the kids it's iron oar" +"What's the easiest thing to eat","A piece of cake" +"Got dadjoked by a customer over paypal You have received a payment of $80 from John Doe Note from John Doe: a note (optional) I didn't get it so I went to look at what sending money looks like. Wen you send money, the box you write a note in says add a note (optional) . He added a note (optional)","He must be a dad at heart, because even I didn't get it at first" +"What did Lady Ga Ga say when she scored 50 points against her father","Papa, Papa, Yahtzee" +"So I guess the comedian couldn’t get his audience of body builders to laugh","Tough crowd" +"I’m dating an atom,","We might have to split up" +"My wife and I were up all night arguing over who is doing all the laundry","At 2AM, I folded" +"The one pun to rule them all I was texting a girl last night, and ended up quoting lord of the rings. She said she wasn't sure she recognized the line, but it rings a bell . To which I replied Lord of the rings a bell","The flirting promptly ended after that" +"Bad at golf","Join the club" +"Why do dad jokes often use puns","To punish others" +"Left the. PC on all night, when. I woke up it was freezing. Turns out. I left all the","Windows open" +"I couldn't believe that I could cut wood with my eyes","I saw it with my own eyes" +"Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels. Son: I dunno. Where","Dad: at Camelot" +"There's just no reason for women to behave the way they do when they're on their period","Total ovary action" +"My son improved the glue joke, Hows that new glue Son: It's holding up","He rattles these off as I read r/dadjokes to him" +"We were driving past a dangerous rockfall area Dad: Wow, I remember I went to a concert here before. Me: Here. You mean this canyon","Dad: Yeah, back in the 80s, I saw the Rolling Stones here" +"An American went to England and had a question. American: Why is your wheel on the wrong side","' English man responds: No, the steering wheel is on the right side" +"How to kill a hipster How do you kill a hipster","Drop him into the mainstream" +"Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic with insomnia","He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog" +"Just dad joked my younger brother So we were at Home Depot waiting for someone to come cut some wood, when my brother points at the price for the plastic trim behind me. Brother: It costs 914 dollars. Me: No. Brother: They should really make that clear then","Me: But then you couldn't see it" +"How many ears has captain Kirk got. His left ear, his right ear, and the final front ear","(A joke that my dad told me years ago)" +"Why did Sherlock Holmes eat at a Mexican Restaurant","He wanted a good case idea" +"Geography lessons are great","They're world class" +"Do you know where the most expensive corn in the country is from","From Tampa, it's a buccaneer" +"I really don't like Bees","Which is strange, because I'm fine with the rest of the alphabet" +"But Daddy, I don’t want to see Grandma","Shut up and keep digging" +"Why did the musician quit playing after his best gig","He wanted to end it on a positive note" +"What did the poppa melon say when his daughter melon decided to go to Vegas with her boyfriend","Have a good time honey, but you cantaloupe" +"What's the scariest California Beach town. Mali BOO","Happy Halloween Weekend" +"Be careful about drink driving on the run-up to Christmas. Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many Guinness and then went on to red wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave my car at the bar and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, Because I was in a bus they just waved it past","I arrived home safely and no accident, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from" +"Obi wan never told you who killed your father Luke: he told me enough","I'm angry Vader: Hi angry, I'm dad" +"Is this sub still active","There hasn't been a single post all year" +"Girlfriend's dad seriously dad joked me. We were talking about sports we played in High School (He used to be a semi-professional bowler,) and I mentioned that I played soccer for ten years","Wow, you must be really tired" +"I'm thinking of becoming a hitman","I hear those people make a killing" +"Happy new year to all you dads out there. It's been a while since I've been to this sub. In fact I haven't been here since last year","Seriously though thanks for making me laugh and groan" +"Teacher dad joked Vladislav. Our English teacher was doing the attendance: Bob, Rob, Vladislav. GOT TO DO WITH it","Queue hysterical laughter for the boys and serious head shaking from the girls" +"Pulled this on the wife about 5 minutes ago in bed. So I'm taking a shower and she accidentally busted ass in the bathroom. Hot shower + smelly fart = not a good time. Fast forward to right before bed time and I make fun of her for what she did. She says youre the one that got me a milkshake. You know what happens when I have dairy. Me: Yes, clearly it comes out of your derriere","I laughed and she said if she wasn't half asleep she would have laughed harder" +"When. I want to talk with people. I just met. I talk to them about climate change","I find that it's a great ice breaker" +"Farmer Farmer : I'm constantly worried someone's gonna steal my crops Therapist: and how does that make you feel. Farmer : honestly, it gives me a headache. Therapist : migraine","Farmer : *narrows eyes* you wish" +"While walking near a farm I saw a horse with a broken leg I asked the farmer don’t you shoot horses with broken legs","The farmer said no we shoot them with shotguns" +"My wife was really mad at the fact that I had no sense of direction","So I packed my stuff up and right" +"Mom: The line was too long,. I wasn't going to wait . Me: Well. I have patience, something that you don't","Dad: She works at a doctor's office, of course she has patients" +"My son dad joked me. Driving passed a harbour and my son points out a boat which I explained is actually a ferry, he then says to me Yes daddy it's a ferry big boat","He's only 4" +"Sitting in a Crestron class. We're learning about all the gauges you can use on the touch panels. There's quite a few on the screen. The guy next to me said, I guess you could say that page is very engaging","Everyone groaned I told him he's going on Reddit" +"I hope Elon Musk never gets in a scandal","Elon-gate would be really drawn out" +"I thought 2016 had taken enough celebrities And then WHAM","there goes another one" +"Wife dadjoked me We stopped at a dollar store to pick up a few items, and I parked in front of the store next to a handicap stall. I noticed the handicap stall was the same width as a regular parking stall, to which I remarked, That's not really a convenient parking stall as there's no space for the handicap person to maneuver. My wife replied, Ya, that's not very handy. Visual reference http://i. imgur. com/hM8a1kP","jpg" +"My son, who took the wrong flight, texted me to ask what baggage he should use for a plane flight home","I responded: “Carry on, my wayward son.”" +"Where do dogs park their cars. The barking lot","I'm not sorry" +"A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer","The bartender says Sorry, we don't serve food here ." +"Anyone who slaps. Dwayne. Johnson's ass","Has really hit rock bottom." +"Which country's people are least likely to use cash","The Czech Republic" +"What is the colour of the wind","Blew" +"The. Wright bothers built the first airplane","Their approach was plane and simple" +"I’m trying to cut down my fortnite play time as. I think. I’m gaining an addiction","I tend to play it every couple of weeks now." +"Did you hear about the accountant who hated negative numbers","he would stop at nothing to avoid them" +"What kind of music do wind turbines like","They are huge metal fans" +"What do you call a deer with no eyes","No idea" +"Ice Cream Dad Joke I know that these have to be self posts but I couldn't resist sharing this gem I found in an ask reddit thread [Imgur](http://i. imgur. com/ZIyounV","png)" +"Do you want to hear a joke about ghosts","That's the spirit" +"Two leprechauns are in the forest eating mushrooms and one asks the other","Having fun,Gus?" +"Venetian blinds were a life saving invention. Without them, it would have been curtains for all of us","Thanks dad" +"My young son asked me what letter marriage ends with","I said 'Dear John'" +"What do you call a female con artist. Ms","Leading" +"The Beatles must have thought they were pretty clever. http://imgur","com/a/mAWgU" +"I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain","She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces" +"A magician preformed a trick where he magically splashed colors all over a blank white shirt","And after he preformed his tricked he ended by saying “tie-dye”" +"Saw this flavor at my local Tom Thumb, thought y'all would enjoy. http://i. imgur. com/CAtDJYm","jpg" +"Half a dozen Indians separated from Hinduism to join another religion. Unfortunately, this troubled them greatly and they fell ill when they branched off into their own religious group","If you want to join you need to seek six sick Sikhs sect" +"So apparently. Britney. Spears","I thought she was just a singer." +"What happens when you unsub from a subreddit","It becomes a reddit" +"Dad walked in while I was practicing piano. Dad: Careful with those black keys. Me: What. Why","Dad: They are sharp" +"Did you know I like dad jokes about eyes","The cornea the better" +"What do a. Necrophiliac and a latin speaker have in common","They both love a dead tongue" +"My mom dadjoked me","Me: I hit my head and my ear started ringing Mom: Did you answer it" +"Want to hear a joke about paper","Nevermind, it’s tearable" +"My wife tell me she likes spooning in bed","I much prefer forking" +"I usually don't tell dad jokes","because he never came back" +"I have to #2 Dad joked my wife, a little gross: Me: I have to poo. Wife: I figured, I have a sixth sense about when you have to poo","Me: I have a number two sense about that" +"Customer: Are you able to talk","Me: Yes, I learned when I was much younger" +"Got my wife while making the shopping list Her: So how are we doing with Toilet Paper","Me: I've been practicing for 30 years, i think i got a good technique going" +"I was just randomly diagnosed with being colorblind","It just came out of the purple." +"I walked into my son's room to find the communist flag covering his entire wall","That was a giant red flag" +"What does an epileptic on a diet eat","A seizure salad" +"What do you call it when two nukes have an argument","A fallout" +"My workmate did this to the container he was carrying (Picture inside). http://imgur","com/WqCVxDc I think I earned a promotion after the groans I got after saying this" +"What kind of reptile do you bring on an expedition","A navi-gator" +"I took my paintball exam the other day","Passed with flying colours" +"What did the hat say to the scarf. You can hang around","I'll just go on ahead" +"I had to give up writing a book about undersea warfare","Because I just couldn’t get the subplot" +"Two elderly women were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat runs up and flashes them. One woman has a stroke","The other couldn’t reach" +"Why is it spelled “camouflage”","and not" +"Have you heard what happened to the italian cook","He pastaway" +"What did the thunder god have a lot of during puberty","Thormones" +"An. Egyptian back doctor. Is called a","Cairopractor" +"I just watched a program about beavers","It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen" +"*Driving past a car dealership* Dad: Man, that place must have great food, because the place is PACKED","He says it every time and it gets me every time" +"Why are people talking about Mayweather","It's August" +"I always wanted to follow my dear Dad as a commercial fisherman","But his Net income always put me off" +"How does the pope do his online shopping","He uses PAPAL" +"I met an arsonist at a bar and we instantly fell in love","Guess you could say there was a spark between us" +"What. Do. You. Call. A. Deer. That leads. A. Leads. An. Army. A","CommanDeer" +"I just thought of a really good April Fool's prank. but then I realized that it's July, so I say Awww April has already passed","My dad says, Oh, I didn't even know she was sick" +"Wife: When will the rain stop falling","Me: When it hits the ground" +"You may think you got me https://imgur","com/052xQtY Oreo could just admit defeat" +"What’s an. English teachers favorite sweet","A synonym roll" +"Know anyone with liver problems. I think [thistle](http://imgur. com/RNy1cXg) do the trick. (My fiance did not appreciate this joke","I thought maybe you guys would" +"What did the vegetables say at the party","Lettuce turnip the beet" +"What's the definition of a farmer","A man who's outstanding in his field" +"Just got my fiance while watching Planet Earth We were just on the couch watching an episode of Planet Earth and during a scene about animals in rivers, she asks me, What's the difference an alligator and a crocodile. in all earnest. Immediately I replied, one you see later, and the other you see in a while","I got the DIRTIEST look after it took a second for the joke to hit home" +"What do you call Nikki Minaj’s butt crack","Silicon Valley" +"You gotta hand it to short people","Cause they can't reach it My brother told this to me just tonight and I died laughing" +"Need to build an ark","I noah guy" +"Dad told this one before heading out for NYE Dad: Where are you going. Me: Celebrate new year with my friends. Dad: Please be back before next year","Happy New Year Dads" +"Did you hear about the citrus embezzling scandal","They were liming their pockets" +"Son: Dad, what are we doing for dinner today","Dad: Eating" +"What did the woman do when she discovered her fiance had a wooden leg","She broke it off" +"What happened when Winnie the Pooh grew older","He hit pooh-berty" +"Football at the bank. I was at the bank depositing something for my job and it came up short a penny. I started looking around on the ground for one and a very nice woman next to me gave me a quarter","After I gave it to the teller she found a single penny so when I gave her the original coin back I told her You should play Football, cause you got a quarter back" +"What's the difference between a frog and a horny toad","Frog says ribbit ribbit, horny toad says rub it rub it" +"[classic] Went for a nap whilst still wearing make up and told my Dad my eyes had run","*Where have they run to" +"Where are average things built","In a satis factory" +"Why did the cookie cry","Because his mother was a wafer so long" +"What did the foal say when he lost his voice","I'm sorry, I'm a little horse" +"What do you call an alien that’s a baker","The breadator" +"Dadjoked by my 10-yr old daughter On teaching her how to make pancakes","her : Dad, any pancake you make I can do batter" +"I love the way the earth rotates","It really makes my day" +"How is bacon like southern Europe","It's got a lot of Greece in it" +"How does a pig go to hospital","In a hambulance" +"What is. Pac","Man's favourite snack? ..." +"Did you hear about the new corduroy pillow","I'ts making headlines" +"My best jokes Hope u like them https://bitbin","it/RBTP5fLS/" +"I made a picture Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Word Well","it's worth a picture anyway" +"My boss is definitely a dad. I walk into the office after two weeks of vacation, and my boss is reading a book. **Me:** Good morning, brother. **Him:** Hey, hey. **Me:** I missed you man, how you been. **Him:** I've been right here, you need to aim better. **-Flips page-** . But I've been good","EDIT: Formatting" +"I had to break up with this girl who just would not stop counting","I wonder what she’s up to now" +"A financial tip: Don’t invest in skiing companies","The entire sport is going downhill fast" +"What sort of cocktail does an attorney drink","Subpoeña coladas" +"There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator","Only a fraction of you will get this" +"My first job was at an orange juice factory","I got canned though, because I couldn't concentrate" +"I just repainted the front entrance and it looks so much nicer","It's adorable" +"Pho. My lady isn't feeling well and is home sick today. Heading home for lunch with her. Me: Do you want m to pick you up anything. Her: Pho, but not until dinner Me: Not pho lunch","Her: Groans" +"How do you think the unthinkable","With an ithberg" +"My wife made me a Pb & J sandwich","I think she's trying to poison me" +"The graveyard near my house is packed People are dying to get in there","but I just couldn't live in a place like that" +"Why is the word you rude","It's vowel language" +"Why did the burglar shower at his victim’s home","He wanted a clean getaway" +"If you're African going into the bathroom and American when you come out, what are you while in the bathroom","European" +"I have a fear of being trapped inside a building during a tornado","I'm sure it'll blow over" +"I know it's boring to shop for vacuum cleaners, son, but remember, the Beach Boys had the same difficulty while deciding on a brand for their own personal vacuum cleaner. I can remember their words now. A Roomba. Makita. Ooooh. I want Eureka","He avoided me for the rest of the day" +"My 9 year old just got my wife - and I couldn't be prouder 9yo: Mom, what are you listening to. Wife: Pandora 9yo: What station. Wife: OK Go. 9yo: OK, I'll go. And my 9yo proceeded to walk out the door. I was so proud","Had a little tear in my eye and everything" +"What did George Washington say to his men before they got in the boat","Get in the boat" +"U2 is having a concert in northern Ireland. Halfway through the show, the music stops and Bono stands middle stage clapping his hands every few seconds","Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies Without missing a beat, from somewhere in the front of the crowd a man bellows out in a thick Irish accent: Well stop fucking doing it ya evil bastard" +"My daughter jumped onto my lap and proclaimed Daddy, I'm bored","I am so glad to get this promotion to become the chair man of the bored" +"Did you hear about the 5-star restaurant on the moon","The food is out of this world, but it has no atmosphere" +"There was a kidnapping at school","It’s ok though he woke up" +"Total Dad Shirt Was at Six flags today and was in line next to a dad. His shirt says I'm always late, my ancestors arrived on the Juneflower. Here is my girlfriend's attempt at a picture. Notice the support band on the glasses; a very dad-thing as well. http://imgur","com/TOliZSC" +"People think being a waitress isn't a respectable job","But hey, it puts food on the table" +"A voice at the back of my head keeps telling me","That the doctors really screwed up my mouth surgery" +"In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Mt. Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken","Since then, the steaks have never been higher" +"My. Dad had this tongue shot off in the war","He never spoke of it" +"Today. I discovered the adverse side effects of eating aluminum","You’ll sheet metal" +"If you somehow acquired a wound that resembled a DC villain,","would it be considered a Lesion of Doom" +"I'm trying to write an unoffical. Harry. Potter book about. Platform 9 and 3/4. But. I feel like","I'm hitting a wall" +"Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Whenever I have a pessimistic thought, I put some money in it","it's currently half empty" +"This man nailed his first dad joke while his wife was in labour. http://imgur","com/5Vkwluq" +"Help a sister out Lying on the sofa and unwilling to move, my housemate wanted me to pass something to her. Come on, she said, help a sister out. What, I ask, you mean *assist her*. Get it. *Assist her*","A *sister*" +"Jesus : You think your lag is bad","It took me three days to respawn" +"True Story, Just Happened. Dad: (stomps on floor) Son: What was that for. Dad: Killed a Wasp Son: Whoah. Did you do that in bare feet","Dad: *Nope, Did it in Human feet" +"Why did the blind nun fall down the well","She couldn't see that well" +"This exchange on /r/wtf https://www. reddit","com/r/WTF/comments/3sja5w/dad_pretends_to_be_a_bucking_bronco_for_his_kid/cwxpixl" +"Eating at an Italian restaurant. Step sister: I'm so hungry, I could eat a house","Dad: Well, I'm sure they have a house special" +"I don't want to do everything too fast. Nor do I want to do everything too slow, so","I do everything half fast" +"My kid just dropped this bomb on me. Kid: The fireworks were amazing. Me: yeah. Im glad you liked them","Kid: they were a blast" +"I can't tell if. I like my new blender","It keeps giving me mixed results." +"Why did. Michael. Jackson call up 'Boyz 2. Men'","He thought that they were a delivery service" +"I heard about a man whose back was accidentally caught on fire","Guess you could say that his plan backfired." +"Got a universal remote for my Birthday","Well, this changes everything" +"Future dad joke Kiddo: Geez whiz dad, we didn't get any snow at all this year. Papa: Yeah, it never used to be like this back in the colden days","Everyone: *sigh*" +"My dog. Minton has eaten all of my shuttlecocks","Badminton" +"I was honored GF: My goal is to read 85% of my bookshelves before summer. me: Is there really that much writing on the bookshelves. GF:","GF: You're your father's son, you know that" +"We're getting a new pound coin in the UK soon, but I hate it","I don't like change" +"I denounce that barbers religion","It's hairesy" +"While at Breakfast With my Wife The waitress came to take our order, starting with my heavily pregnant wife. When the waitress asked how my wife would like her eggs, I quickly replied: Fertilized","Waitress laughed her head off, wife gave disapproving look" +"My son recently got crushed by a pile of books","He's got only his shelf to blame" +"Why did the weather go up a tree","Because he wanted to climate" +"What do you call a sound moving away from you that is identical to another sound","Its dopplerganger" +"My dad is unfamiliar with the new multiplication trend","He really needs to get with the times" +"Why do cows have hooves instead of feet","because it lactose" +"Why was the bar tender happy when the small toothed whale came in","He finally served a porpoise" +"What’s a cat’s drool called","Mewcus" +"Politicians never discuss Indian flatbreads","They say it's just a naan issue" +"When you say to your dad that you only want a half cup of coffee. [http://imgur. com/a/Ub5lY](http://imgur","com/a/Ub5lY)" +"What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon","A Coco-naut" +"What's the hardest part about catching a train","Finding someone to throw it to you" +"My friend fell in an Egyptian river last week, but swears he didn’t","He was in De Nile" +"I hate/love my dad I was talking to my dad about the possibility of him getting a new laptop and us taking the HDD out of his current one and swapping it into a new one. I was telling him about how the keys for Windows are generally tied to the motherboard of the laptop, to prevent exactly this. He kept acting extremely confused. How can the windows key be tied to the motherboard. * I dunno it takes the serial # or something * That just doesn't physically make sense * what about it doesn't make sense. It makes perfect sense. * ** Well what happens if I get a new keyboard","I don't have to buy a new computer and it has a new windows key **" +"It'd be great if I had a joke about a small mahogany bird","Wooden tit" +"During a Rather Gassy Afternoon Watching The History Channel With My Daughter Me: I'm kind of like Egypt. Daughter: How's that","Me: We both have *toot*-in-common" +"You know what place I really can't stand","The ocean" +"[NSFW] The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding the range. Tonto hops off his horse and puts his ear to the ground, then says A buffalo comes. Do you hear the hoofbeats. asks TLR. No","ground sticky" +"I’m not going bald","I’m with the times, and going wireless" +"What goes black white, black white, back white. A penguin rolling down a hill. What goes black white, haha, black white, haha","The penguin that pushed him" +"What is it called when a chameleon cannot change its color","A reptile dysfunction" +"Someone complimented me from Sweden. I said","That’s Swede of you" +"Dad joked my fellow soccer teammates. I play indoor soccer with a group of guys every Thursday night at the local church. We play for fun so we have some ground rules so it doesn't get too aggressive. One of the guys went for a slide and scored a goal everyone was quite upset at this knowing we had already established that sliding, especially indoor, was not allowed. While everyone was arguing whether the goal counted or not I responded with, I think we can let that one slide","Collective groan from many, many others allowed it" +"My boss is like a diaper","Always on my ass and usually full of shit" +"How is someone that hates pencils called","An erasist" +"What do you call an angry sandwich","A pissed-trami" +"This is not fair","Said the Russian who just got bad directions to the fair" +"What did a famous painter said when his van went missing","Where did my Van Gogh" +"I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning","I noticed when my head hit the bottom of the mattress" +"What is the best tool for maths","Multi-pliers" +"Her eye roll was palpable I was helping my fiancée decide on something for breakfast: Me: Would you like a banana. Her: I don't really feel like a banana. Me: Good, because you are a human. Cue the eye roll","Scene" +"TIL: A recent study found that the newest strain of head lice is resistant to conventional treatment","That left scientists scratching their heads" +"Why don't casinos let cattle farmers play","They are always raising the steaks" +"What do you call a positive thinking adolescent","A canteen" +"I really can't stand poultry seasoning","It just smells so fowl" +"Why do bees hum","because they don't know the words" +"*dad gets iPhone * Dad: well I’m going to jail Me: . Dad: I’m gunna","face time" +"Im prison you get to hear about the BEST stories","Best part of it is that they're all one sentence" +"The. International. Space. Station isn't a good place for comedy (stolen from. Colbert)","The jokes would go over everyone's head" +"Traffic was great today","everyone was there" +"I don't like people who take drugs","Example: Airport security" +"What did the. Japanese car company say to his brother. Nee","San" +"The day Flat Earthers are right","Is the day the world ends" +"I just saw a group of people who were watching an artist sketch all of them in his book","The man was good too, he really knew how to draw a crowd" +"It's good to know that new dads are given a welcome kit at the hospital. http://www. anythingcomic","com/comics/1957351/welcome-kit/" +"Dad joke at the electronics store While I was at the electronics store today, this happened: Shop assistant drops a bunch of price signs, and exclaims The prices are falling","I imagine the man must be a glorious husband and father" +"I applied for a job at a mirror factory","I could really see myself working there" +"As","I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, You know, one would have been enough." +"Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but","I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore" +"What is the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist","Only one of them knows" +"My snake is stiff Which is normally curvy","This may be reptile disfunction" +"What did the drummer call his twin daughters","Anna one, Anna two" +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon","Great food, no atmosphere" +"Overheard from a dressing room. Woman: Honey I'm going to run to the bathroom quick, don't go anywhere. Man in dressing room: Okay, but don't run","They'll think you're shoplifting" +"Hickory dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one","the others escaped with minor injuries" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When it becomes apparent" +"My girlfriend's cellphone service sucks","Eight days ago she said, We're breaking up, the call ended, and it's gone straight to voicemail ever since" +"It’s nacho cheese until","You buy it" +"What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend","You will Romaine in my heart forever ❤️" +"Dad and I were discussing the migration patterns of loons. Dad - You know why you always see loons by themselves. Me - Territori","Dad - Because if there were more than one, they would not be a-loon -_-" +"My friend said he didn't understand how cloning works","I told him that makes the two of us" +"I turned 22 in June and I've been using this whenever I can How old are you","I'm 20 Oh no way I'm twenty-too" +"I’ve never liked speed bumps much","But I'm getting over it slowly" +"My dad told me when I was young I once stuck a fork into a socket","I was shocked" +"The urge to sing The. Lion. Sleeps. Tonight may come at any time","It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away" +"If a sister sees her siblings about to get into trouble, what should she do","Warner Brothers" +"My son said he felt like all his teeth were loose","I said not to worry, it's all in your head..." +"Did you hear about the emu that got kicked out of the penguin club for being too big","He was ostrich-sized" +"Do you want to hear a joke about boxers","Sorry still working on the punch line" +"What's a fishes favorite instrument","A Bass" +"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom","Because the p is silent" +"My soon-to-be 6year old got me Good So every night for the past almost 6 years I sing her the Sunshine Song You know, you are my Sunshine, my only sunshine. And after a few years I got tired of it and would start songs from the nightmare before Christmas (because I'm a big elfman nerd) and Part of your world (because I'm completely obsessed with singing out of key chick verses and the little mermaid is dope af) but she would SCREAM anytime I started anything that wasn't the Sunshine song, I love this, so I gonna for a couple bars while she's screaming then calm her down and sing the right song. To be fair, she likes the I'm On The Outside by boingo, so I belt that too. Now here I want to add that in the description of the event I will place a * where she interrupts me and the words immediately after that * will be her words. Ok, so she's in bed just now and I said What song do you want me to sing. Obvs sunshine dude. So I start with the look at this stuff, isn't it neat. And she's not screaming, she *has a smile on her face* so my mind is like did she become ok with this, can I finally sing a different song than sunshine and eponas song. So I keep going thinking that I finally won. I get to the line, Fliiping your fins, you won't get too **fart. I'm fucking dead this kid played me like a fiddle","Someone call 911 I'm ded" +"A man's son asked what a vegetarian was. After a moment, his father said; Nothing, son","Nothing but a big missed steak" +"A woman once claimed she could hit me from across the kitchen with a fancy bottle of herbs","I told her not to threaten me with a good thyme" +"Playing cards against humanity with my dad. The cards were I drink to forget - pooping in a laptop and closing it","He says, You mean a craptop" +"What Do You Call A Cheap Circumcision","A Rip-Off" +"A termite walks into a bar and asks","Is the bar tender here" +"Abraham. Lincoln was a rapper he went by the name. One","Cent" +"Mountains aren't funny. There **Hill","Areas**" +"What happens if you throw a Finnish sailor overboard","Helsinki" +"You shouldn't snort coke","You'll get ice cubes stuck in your nose." +"What sound does an upside down cow make","Wooooooo" +"I just finished reading the autobiography of an ambulance driver. The Sound of Sirens by Nina Neenaw","Any recommendations as to what I should read next" +"My dad picked me up at the airport after my flight back from. Inda. As soon as i get in the car he looks at me and says so is this the","Inda trip ." +"Did you hear about the cat they found on Mars. Unfortunately, one of the Mars Rovers ran over it and killed it","I guess you could say curiosity killed the cat" +"What do you get when you have two Type A personalities fighting","AA Battery" +"Two peanuts were walking in the forest","One was assaulted" +"Someone asked me how a recent trip went Friend: How did you find Beijing. Me: I dunno","I just got on the plane and ended up there" +"What is Jesus’ favorite piece of clothing","Holey Jeans" +"If a bunch of people simp for someone","do they become a simphony" +"I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said: Buy a drink first","no spaces, all lowercase" +"What did the body builder say when he realized that he was all out of protein shake mix","* NO WHEY" +"My dad is a famous statistician working for different car companies","Everyone keeps asking for his auto graph" +"Why did the man fall down the well","Because he couldn't see that well" +"So last night me and the family were out to dinner. My dad looks at a sign hanging on the wall and reads aloud Fresh fish and chips, caught locally","Turns to me and says, 'I wonder how they catch the chips" +"Why did the mathematician go to the lumberjack meet-and-greet","Because he really likes log functions" +"Has anyone seen the new theatrical show called, The Definition of a Dad Joke . Don't bother","It's just a bad play on words" +"Son: Hey Dad can you pass me my sunglasses. Dad: Sure","But can you pass me my dadglasses first" +"My dad was recently diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. He loves jokes. I apologize if this breaks sub rules. My dad is the champion of corny dad jokes. He substitutes at the high schools in the area and all the kids know and love him because of the silly jokes he tells. He was recently diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Previous to his diagnosis, he led an incredibly healthy and active lifestyle so my family is in disbelief. I am posting here because I want to be able to tell my dad a joke for every day that we are fighting this together. I live far away from my parents so I feel pretty helpless, and the best I can do is make him laugh on our daily phone calls. Please help me out and post your best dad jokes below","Thank you" +"My 10 month old likes to grab my glasses off my face. The last time he did it I was in the middle of a diaper change and my wife was in the room. She remarked you missed a speck of poo and I told her, I can't see crap without my glasses","Hardest I have heard her laugh in a while" +"My wife was complaining about feeling old Wife: Why do I feel so old. Me: You're not that old. Why do you feel so old. Wife: It's mainly my feet, they hurt. Me: Well, you know why that is right. Wife: Why","Me: You must have old soles Cue groaning, eye rolling, and her typical exclaimation that she hates puns" +"eBay is so useless,i wanted some lighters","Instead they gave me 13000 matches" +"What demographic is always hard at work","Male Pornstars" +"Dadjoked my friend's sister yesterday. NOTE: My friend, the same one from [this](http://www. reddit. com/r/dadjokes/comments/1yrg1u/dadjoked_my_friend_yesterday/) post, has a sister who's only 6. She has not yet learned the ways of the world, and the fact that it contains me and my terrible jokes. **I stumble into the living room, clutching my stomach and groaning. ** Friend: What's wrong with you. Me: I don't know, but I think I have a serious case of updog. Friend's Sister: What's updog. **I stand up straight, with a big smile on my face. ** Me: Not much, how about you. Friend: Oh, Christ","EDIT: Formatting and grammar" +"Did you hear about the guy thrown in jail for not taking a nap","He was refusing a rest" +"If you're reading this joke. Hi reader,","I'm dad." +"What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle, and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle","Attire" +"Dad-joked by a toilet For all of my life, my brain has played a soundtrack. At all times, in all places, I hear music going through my head, from the moment I awaken in the morning until I go to sleep at night. I can only shut it off by listening to other music, watching a movie, etc. but it soon starts up again once the outside source of stimulus is removed. Yesterday I was travelling. When I visited the restroom prior to boarding my flight, the the music in my head suddenly switched tracks from I've Been Everywhere Man (that got really old after the first hour. Oy. ) to Africa by Toto. That's odd , I thought to myself, the music in my head usually doesn't switch tracks unless something has changed around me. I finished my business, cleaned up, stood up, and turned around to flush. Then I saw it. There, emblazoned on the porcelain, was the word TOTO . The manufacturer of the toilet. Nice job, brain, funny, hah-hah, I thought to myself. The song in my head came to an abrupt halt. Silence, for just one moment. Blessed silence. Rare for me. Then I realized. My brain was giving me time to digest the previous joke. Waiting for me to think I'd arrived at the punch line. Pausing for a beat before it delivered the next one","Africa started over again, telling me exactly why the DJ deciding songs in my head had picked this exact moment, this exquisite situation, this exact set of circumstances to deliver the internal Dad Joke of the year: Doodoo doo-doo doodoo do dooooooooo" +"Sushi For 6 years i haven't gone to a Sushi restaurant or Asian cuisine with my dad because he would always repeat the same punchline to the waiter/waitress","Can I have some miso soup, because miso hungry" +"I hate it when my wife says Are you listening to me","Such a random way to start a conversation" +"If. I had a fifty cents for every math test. I failed","I'd have $1.15" +"Stores are running out of toilet paper again","They’re wiped out" +"My kids and I are in search of some fresh vegetables puns","Lettuce know" +"Cat Woman's real name is","Catherine Woman" +"I bought a really expensive laxative from the pharmacy","It gave me a good run for my money" +"Thanks for explaining the word many for me","It means a lot" +"How do you kill a vegetarian vampire","With a steak to the heart" +"What did Cool Bear say to the bear without ears","“What up, B" +"What did the butter say. What did the butter say to the Marshmallow. I am really on a roll tonight. What did the Marshmallow say in response","I'M ON FIRE" +"G'day reddit. Been a dad since October 2014, and just yesterday these hit me. It started off pretty innocently. I was at work doing work stuff (I'm an apprentice boilermaker if you want to know) and came up with this. Q. How did the bacon get to hospital. In the HAMbulance. Kinda just snowballed from there. Q. How did the sheep get to hospital. In the RAMbulance. Q. How did the oyster get to hospital. In the CLAMbulance. Q. How did the marmalade get to the hospital. In the JAMbulance. I decided to post my hilarity on Facebook, and my brother in law dropped this one: Q. How did the martial artist get to hospital. In the JEANCLAUDEVANDAMMEbulance. And my sister chimed in too: Q. How did the Beaver get to hospital. In the DAMbulance. The next thing I knew, it just wouldn't stop. THEY JUST KEPT COMING OUT OF MY BRAIN. Q. How did the sweet potato get to hospital. In the YAMbulance. Q. How did the Indian get to hospital. In the PAPADAMbulance. Q. How did the other Indian get to hospital. In the WIGWAMbulance. Q. How did the insomniac get to hospital. In the DIAZAPAMbulance. Q. How did the baby get to hospital. In the PRAMbulance. Q. How did The Flash get to hospital. In the SHAZAMbulance. I went to bed around 8. 30pm. NO SLEEP FOR ME, MORE DAD JOKES TO THINK ABOUT. Q. How did Sean Penn get to the hospital. In the IAMSAMbulance. Q. How did Dr Suess get to the hospital. In the SAMIAMbulance. Q. How did the exhibitionist get to hospital. In the WEBCAMbulance. Q. How did the 80's pop stars get to hospital. In the WHAMbulance. Q. How did the air hostess get to hospital. A. In the PAN-AMbulance. Q. How did the POW get to hospital. In the VIETNAMbulance. I'm pretty much spent at this point, but thought I would share with you guys","Maybe you've got more of your own to add" +"I once had to see an eye doctor on an Alaskan island","Turns out he was an optical Aleutian" +"Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road","He didn’t have the guts" +"My uncle sells luggage to people that don't need it","Just in-case" +"Why do Noweigians put bar codes on their ships","For when they need to Scandinavian" +"My son asked, Can I have a bookmark","He knows my name is Jake" +"Just been to that new store called. Moderation","They have everything in there" +"Im upset about this quilt set I bought","I thought it came with a pillow case, but it was a sham" +"How does a Radish discipline its Child","Beeting it" +"What made the woman think she had a back problem","A hunch" +"My daughters. just like their mother","I wish they liked their father too" +"What do you call nazi snow","Hail Hitler" +"Just pulled this on my friend Him: Does anyone want to split a brat with me","Me: nah, Brats are the wurst" +"I do ot have time for breakfast. I couldn't fit that","N" +"A girl blackmailed me with my nudes","You can say she had me by the balls" +"I celebrate 4/20 on. January 5th, because. I know how to reduce fractions unlike the rest of you morons [xpost /r/trees]","This joke caters to the lowest common denominator." +"My Dad Reminded me to Make a Dentist Appointment Yesterday “You don’t want to get summer teeth,” he said. Me: “What are summer teeth","” Him: “It’s when some are teeth, some are not" +"My student talking about her vacation Other Teacher: Hey Student. How was the trip. Student: It was great. I'm going to Chicago too later. Me: But what about Chicago One. Their reactions were","less than humored" +"Spring is just around the corner. https://i. imgur. com/qj2acmP","jpg" +"Why did the blind man fall in the well","Because he couldn't see that well" +"My dad died yesterday","Now he makes deadjokes" +"Dad, I don't remember that guy's name, what is it. Mr","(Came to me in a flash, totally whooshed my son unfortunately)" +"Although he didn't tell me if he had kids or not, this guy is definitely a dad. I work in the recreation facility run by my local city government. (Side note, it's an awesome job for a college student) Anyways, this evening I had an elderly couple (74 & 70) come in to sign up for one of the programs we offer here. I looked up the wife's name in the computer and saw her husband in the same household. I said to the husband, Are you Kent. Last I checked. Got a smile from me and a groan from his wife. Closing our conversation, I told them both that the event was being held inside Gym 2, tomorrow at 12:00. Poor Jim","I love this guy, haha" +"How do you find electricity in the ocean","Just look for the current" +"I may seem apathetic towards opthalmologists","But eye care" +"What breaks when you say it","Silence" +"I used to have a skeleton in my closet. Then my skeleton came out of the closet","I now have a gay skeleton" +"My wife told me to take a quick bath before leaving","I said, But the slower ones are easier to catch." +"What do you call Bell when she's acting stupid at the gym","Dumbell" +"Said hello to a guy with really small hands","What a microwave" +"What would a boner at a funeral be called","Mourning wood" +"So my daughter was born today. and in the O","they were putting on her monitor around her ankle and my wife, who is still getting stitched up, says She's just like her Daddy, she's already got her first ankle monitor" +"She Set Me Up Perfectly Wife and I going to meet some family for dinner, when she runs back in to grab a sweater. Wife: I always get chilly in restaurants. Me: Well you should branch out, try something different. Maybe order the chicken or something. She paused for a moment, as she slowly caught up, before laughing","She should have known better, because whenever it's cold outside, I say It's chilly con carne" +"My mom just dadjoked my dad I toss a grape into the pool. Dad snags it with his pie hole. Mom: That was a GRAPE catch","Genuine laughs ensue" +"Which direction do Chickens like to run","Cluck-wise" +"Where do cows watch films","The Moovies" +"How do you ask for somebody's food in Finland","Are you gonna finnish that" +"I have two words for anyone here who doesn't like my jokes","Two words" +"I’m thinking of starting an innovative condom manufacturing company","Decided to call it Lay Techs" +"You know what works better when tired","Cars" +"Why are there no cats on Mars","Curiosity killed them" +"A. Jump-lead walks into a bar","The bartender says I'll serve you - just don't start anything" +"What rock group has four men who don't sing","Mount Rushmore" +"Some people say that when a pepper is really small it's a sign that it is very hot","but, in reality, it's a little chili" +"I still don't know what the difference is. Dad what's the difference between a seal and a sea lion","Well A seal ion is positively charged" +"Who's the fastest vampire","NOSferatu" +"I smooth talked a librarian into giving me a bunch of free books","I got a way with words" +"Einstein to his Dad: Dad, my paper on The Theory of Relativity just got published. Dad: Nice, son","It is about time" +"6:30 is the best time","Hands down" +"Went to buy six cans of Sprite before","But accidentally picked 7up" +"My sister asked for a MacBook Air for her birthday","My Dad told her he'd meet her halfway-- He'd get the air and she would have to buy the MacBook" +"I always carry a lot of loose change when I’m with my kids","This way I can’t be accused of lacking common sense" +"I talked to a lawyer about suing for the doctor cutting off the wrong leg in my surgery before they cut off the correct one","The lawyer said I didn't have a leg to stand on" +"I just gave away all of my dead batteries","Free of charge" +"My dog failed his barking test","It was ruff" +"[Disclaimer] This joke was told by me to a friend, but it seems like it fit on this subreddit. So my friend is in Florida, and is in this really fancy beach house for a few days. She was showing me some of the stuff in the room, including seashells, fancy tables, and the view from the deck. Then she showed me this bowl/small plate that had a leaf pressed into it. She said That's pretty cool right and I responded It's unbe-leaf-a-bowl","She just groaned at my bad pun as I laughed at my own joke" +"Having sex in an elevator is just wrong","on so many levels" +"Me while grating the cheese this morning. Me: Ouch. Mom & Aunt: What","Me: That cheddar was sharp" +"My wife told me she just squished a huge millipede in the house","I said I bet it was so startled it milipeed it's pants'" +"I've heard that Chinese finger traps are very fashionable","But they're hard to pull off" +"What kind of degree can you get at a urinal","A Pee h" +"What do you call a high five over the internet","A Wi-Five" +"Why is Stephen Hawking regarded as the smartest man ever","He can never stand corrected" +"Got the waitress with this one So there I am, abkut to finish up dessert (a cannoli) at my local pizza joint and the waitress comes by and asks Is there anything else I can get you","I reply back well, this is so good I was going to order another but I think I cannoli eat one" +"After my breastfeeding class, my husband spouted off this gem. Me: I need to call your insurance about breast pumps. see what they cover","Husband: Probably the boob" +"It’s been years since the show ended, and I’m a little annoyed that people are still making ‘Friends’ references","No one told me life was gonna be this way" +"Who designed King Arthur's round table","Sir cumference" +"I just got a new stepladder","I never knew my real ladder" +"I tried to tell my son a joke about trees","He said, wood you kindly knot" +"Have you heard about the circus","It’s intense" +"Is it okay to hate a certain race. My running group typically do 5ks but are looking into doing a 10k","I really dont like 10k races" +"Roy Moore ordered a 12 year old Scotch","She didn't like it" +"Why do cow's have hooves and not feet","Because they lactose" +"My. German car has some weird specs for torquing the lug nuts","The manual just says to get them gutentight" +"Got one of my students. Student: What's my grade","Me: It's a number that represents how well you've performed in my class" +"I finally figure out who the black Stormtrooper is a clone of","Django Fett" +"My daughter keeps pestering me to check her hair for lice I think it’s just all in her head (I can’t believe it took me this long to find this subreddit, I love it","BTW first attempt at a dad joke" +"My daughter's only 4 years old and she set me up for the classic Dad joke I was busy cooking us pancakes for breakfast when she came out with this one: Her: Dad you're a pancake. Me: Huh. I'm not a pancake. Her: Hi Not-a-pancake, I'm Silvia","Me: *proud tears of joy*" +"You ever see Ray Charles wife. Neither has he","-My dad Many groans were had" +"Quick. Give me all your vanilla puns. Hey Reddit, I'm helping plan a wedding for a family member, and the favor for the guests are lip balm. There are 3 flavors, peppermint, cherry, and vanilla. Our idea is to have lovey-dovey puns as the names of the lip balm. For example, for mint we have pepper-MINT to be and for cherry we have you are CHERRY sweet. Problem is, we can't think of any for vanilla. I asked women, and they suggested r/dadjokes as the best pun-makers. So give me all your best Vanilla puns. Make them corny","Let's do this" +"What does a bee say when it gets home","Honey I'm home" +"What's the heaviest kind of soup","Wan-ton Soup" +"I’ve always been embarrassed of my dad around the holidays. Like, last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree, and the guy behind the counter said, “Are you going to put it up yourself. ” My dad replied, “Don’t be disgusting","I’m going to put it in the living room" +"As a child, I was abused by mimes","They did unspeakable things to me" +"Neon walks into a bar, the barman says we don't serve noble gasses in here","Neon doesn't react" +"You can never trust an atom","They make up everything" +"What's blue and smells like red paint","Blue Paint" +"Is it longer to run from first base to second base, or second base to third base. Second to third","Because there's a shortstop in the middle" +"Guys","Global warming is real It is winter and we have had the hottest day of the year already" +"My dad got me at work (Earlier at work today) Dad: Do you know how to fix a violin. Me: Throw it against a wall","Dad: No, that's vio-lent" +"I'm not the type of person that apologizes","I'm sorry, that's just the way I am" +"Bruno Mars’ “Uptown Funk” Music Video Is God Awful Don’t believe me","Just watch" +"A prosthetic boob made from trees would be a little silly","Wooden tit" +"Just opened my water bill and my electric bill at the same time","I was shocked" +"My dad was driving when he told me he was a magician who could turn into anything. And then he turned into a store","*Note: This was like ten years ago and I still haven't forgotten the audacity" +"What do you call to guys always hanging by the window. Kurt and Rod","[Read Again]" +"Why was the navigator fired","He had a bad latitude" +"It took a lot of balls for my friend to go on the Reality TV show called “Embarrassing Bodies","” Three, to be exact" +"Asked for a run of the mill party Not me but still worthy http://imgur","com/xJ3dbQF" +"I struggle with Roman Numerals until I get to 159","Then it just CLIX" +"You know what they say: “You’ve seen one mall, well then you’ve seen a mall”","I’m not dad yet" +"How do merchants fight","They trade blows" +"A man walks into the doctor's office What seems to be the problem. asks the doc. It's. erm . well . I have five penises. replies the man. Ah ok. How do your trousers fit. asks the doc","Like a glove" +"Yesterday a clown held the door open for me","I thought it was a nice jester" +"What does Homer Simpson make his pizzas with","D'oh" +"I tried to catch fog yesterday,","Mist" +"Why do blind people hate skydiving","It scares the hell out of their dogs" +"Coworker got me with this one. So, we're installing some TVs for a hotel. I notice the protective plastic on one of them has a boot print on it. Me: Who stepped on that TV. Coworker: Hmm. Must be a floor model. The joke was getting bigger as it flew through the air","Then it hit me" +"Why did the Mexican throw his wife over the bridge","taaaaaaa quelllllaaaaaa" +"My wife said, “Hey baby, do that thing that makes me hot","” So I went and turned up the thermostat" +"A boy came up to me asking if. I could donate to the local swimming pool","I came back with a glass of water" +"Have you heard the rumor about the butter","Good cause I don't want to spread it" +"[NSFW] My wife saw a truck pull up and she said it looks like a mail truck. I asked, “How can you tell","” She said, “It has little balls hanging underneath it" +"I don’t usually tell dad jokes","But when I do, he laughs" +"Gf: There's a plunger on the street","Me: Looks like someone was trying to unclog traffic" +"It is said that male cows don't defecate. But as you","See this is bullshit" +"What is the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman","You can unscrew a lightbulb" +"Did you hear the joke about getting rid of COVID-19","It's a riot" +"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the toilet","Because the 'P' is silent" +"What do you call a woman that fell of a cliff","Eileen Dover" +"My dad sent me this email","More details inside Details details details details details details details details details details details details details details details details details details details details details details details details details details details details details details details details details details details details details" +"Oceans are the friendliest bodies of water","They always greet you with a wave" +"Why did the deaf guy need a lawyer","For the hearing" +"I was explaining to my mom that Lardon is basically just bacon","Dad interrupts with yeah, lardon is just bacon thats excited" +"If. I ever need to commit murder. I'll do it with an ax. That way","I can claimed it was ax-idental." +"The Philippine island of Luzon Me (reading a fun fact): The Philippine island of Luzon is home to a lake which is home to another island, which is home to its own lake which is home to its own island. Dad: so it's a big target","Mom: how do you know it's not a big Walmart" +"A geologist asked me if I like extremely high, steep hills with a flat top","I said yeah I like big buttes and I cannot lie" +"While having dinner last night, my daughter looked up at me and asked. Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right. Proudly, I replied, Yes, my little princess, yes I am","She continued, That's because mommy put you in charge, right" +"Do you know what is the favorite key of the astronauts","The Spacebar" +"Free guitar. No strings attached","Kinda hard to play, though" +"Happy Valentine's Day","I hope your day starts off with a bang" +"I was gonna tell a joke about pizza","but I thought it would be too cheesy" +"Will feels trapped inside his operating system, unable to make non-deterministic decisions","Will free will free Will" +"My ten year old told me this joke this afternoon. and she’s a girl. What do you call candy that has been stolen","Hot chocolate" +"That time I beat my dad at his own game. In the middle of a heated lecture about not joining my friends' shenanigans, dad said, Two wrongs don't make a right. Two Wrights do make an airplane. I'm proud of you","You're still grounded though" +"Not a Dad but had my friends groaning From a few years ago in my college days: Friends I sitting around watching Archer. My friends Canadian Fiance is practicing her citizen test and when the commercials start, she asks How many US Presidents are there. I say . one","Groans from everyone and a death stare from her" +"The other day. I cut myself while making a sandwich","Yeah it was on a slice of sharp cheddar." +"Got my wife on Mother's Day She just went to go get her toenails painted and is showing me the color. Her: See. I was trying to get a color close to a sunset","Me: Nailed it" +"Why do cows have hooves instead of feet","Because they lactose" +"My girlfriend didn't even see it coming","GF: I think the can opener is broken Me: So it's a **can't opener**" +"Every time. I go shopping","I try to buy a checkout divider and every time the cashier puts it back!" +"Where is Macau located","In MaFarm" +"Plastic surgery used to be such a. Taboo subject. Nowadays if you talk about","Botox nobody raises an eyebrow" +"If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot","It’s on the right foot!" +"Got my wife pretty good. My wife hurt her back and can't sit (has to stand or lay down). She asked me to drive her to the store. I didn't really want to and said you can go anywhere you want. I'm staying home. wife: I can't drive","me: I've been saying that for years and it's never stopped you before" +"I man asked why he could see through me,. I told him my son is transgender now. I’m","TRANSparent" +"You'd think it would bother me that my son complains I always serve his scrambled eggs with a spoon","But, I just don't give a fork" +"My s/o went to. PA for the weekend. Her: the snow is really high here. Me: you should see if they can hook you up with their dealer","I think i did it right cuz she thought i sent the text to the wrong person" +"What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt. Herastandin pepper","Courtesy of my very own father" +"How do you cure a pale patella","Tanzania" +"What do you call Al Gore dancing","Algorythym" +"What did the green olive say to the purple olive","BREATHE, GODDAMMIT, BREATHE" +"What does President Trumps life insurance cost","A Pence" +"Frequent nap taking slows the aging process","Especially if you take them when you are driving" +"What did the sorority girl say when she lost her pen","I literally cannot even write now" +"What do you call bears with no ears?","B" +"My coworker got a fortune that said You will receive something very nice soon with no strings attached","I just hope it's not a yo-yo" +"How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern","You use a pumpkin patch" +"Did you hear about th e magic tractor","It turned into a field" +"I tried to make a joke about Julius Caesar at work today, but it was all over the place","I guess you could say the joke was roamin'" +"Instead of 'the jon',. I call our toilet 'the jim'. Just so. I can say","I go every morning." +"I was thinking about this sub the other day","It's full of adult humor" +"Driving past a cemetery Dad: did you know that all the people who live around here aren't allowed to be buried in that cemetery. Me: Really. Why not. Religious issues","Dad: Because they're not dead yet" +"What kind of doughnuts can fly","The plain ones" +"If Jesus were alive and on Twitter","He’d probably have a lot of followers" +"Is this subreddit dying","Barely anyone has posted this year" +"What do you get","When you cross a joke with a rhetorical question" +"My wife mad a Easter bunny cake yesterday and my 5 year old made a great dad joke. He ate half of one ear and then the other half","He says, Sorry mom, it was irresistible" +"My dad pulled this one out during dinner the other night: On the topic of diets and food and things of the sort: Mom: What's apple whey","Dad: About a half a pound" +"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer","I don't know what they laced them with but I've been tripping all day" +"Why did the two melons have a big formal wedding","They cantaloupe" +"I thought I had a bloody nose","but I blew my nose and it’s snot" +"What do you call a pen that isn’t moving","Stationary" +"I know a joke about procrastination","But I’ll tell it to you later" +"A wife says to her husband: Honey, I want to donate my clothes to people who are starving. The husband replys: Debra whoever receives your clothes surely won't be starving","(I apologise if this has already been posted, I just heard my dad say it to me today" +"What do you call a line of blonde people","A barbie queue" +"Easter is grammatically incorrect","We should say more east" +"So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living. He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.   Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.   Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.   You know what. No, said the executioner. I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now. Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said, Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it","I'm just a bad conductor" +"an old man died and was delivered to the local mortuary. **. and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing. ' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend. ' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge. ' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice","' 'So I just switched the heads" +"Dad joke about knees. So my roommate blew out his knee doing a thing for his fraternity that he was trying to get into, and this last thing he did got him into the frat. Me: So you're in now","Him: Yeah all it took was my dignity and my knee Me: So your dig*knee*ty He just walked out of the room" +"What do you call a man with no shins","Tony" +"This app/game has really put my Dadjoke skills to the test, but I love it. The app is called Punfound . http://imgur","com/zesPnQZ" +"Me: Have you seen the Lego movie","Dad: I've only seen bits and pieces" +"What concert cost only 45 cents","50 cent with nickelback" +"Wife thinks. I’m indecisive","I’m not sure though" +"How do you find Will Smith in the snow","Look for fresh prints" +"What did 50Cent do when he got hungry","58" +"It was a sweet transaction Dad: I can't believe it, this guy is selling his wife. Mom: What are you talking about","Dad: He has a sign in his yard that says 'local honey for sell'" +"What does Homer Simpson use to make bread","D'oh" +"When is a booger not a booger","When it’s snot" +"I lost my wife's. Lord of the. Rings audiobooks","I'll never hear the end of it." +"What ingredient does a SoundCloud rapper use whilst making bread","Yeest" +"Did you hear about the Italian man who died. He pasta way","now he's a pizza history" +"I tend to be the butt of everyone's jokes. My wife says it's because","I'm an ass" +"What did the drummer call his twin girls","Anna One, Anna Two" +"The nurse just told me that they can no longer perform the transplant","My surgeon wanted to tell me, but he didn't have the heart" +"Not so much a joke but I think it fits","Decorating for a Halloween Party We have a minifridge we stocked with beer for the party, and I put a sign on the fridge that says BOO-ze My roommate just shook his head and walked away" +"Husband just dropped this gem on me. I was telling my husband that our poor kiddo has hemorrhoids. He says: Go tell him he's a pain in the ass. Can't. stop","laughing" +"This just happened then I was at the table eating breakfast when my mum asked me to post a letter. I asked her how much it was to do so. $1 she said, I asked how much it used to be and she said it was 6 pence back when I was a girl to which I replied what. What are you now","A boy" +"How do dinosaurs pay their bills","Tyrannosaurs Checks" +"What is Homer Simpson's favorite hardware","D'oh nuts" +"I told my dad that my cat was getting fixed tomorrow. And he said oh. I didn't know she was broken","Have you tried plugging her in" +"What do you call the owner of a waterproof clothing company","The head poncho" +"The. GPS said police reported ahead","I told my wife to let me know when they report the body." +"A Pirate walks into a bar. [PG] . with a steering wheel on his crotch. The bartender asks Hey man, doesn't that hurt. And the pirate responds, Arr","It be drivin' me nuts" +"What shoes do priests wear. Crocs. Cause they're holey shoes. Get it. Because they're full of holes. Okay. Cool","I'll just leave now" +"Why did the partially blind man fall down a well","He couldn't see that well" +"Last night. I dreamt. I’d written the. Lord of the. Rings. My wife said to me. I was just","Tolkien in my sleep." +"Pops won the camping trip Dad: Hey. how do you tell male DNA from female DNA. Grandkids: . Dad: You pull down its genes","Me: ಠ_ಠ" +"Why are Kingdom Hearts fans always bad sports","Cause they’re Sora losers" +"People say. I’m addicted to brake fluid. But. I can stop whenever","I want" +"Dad was making a racket in the basement today. Dad was being awfully noisy knocking thing around in the basement. I yelled down, Dad. What are you up to. He replied, Oh","about 5 foot 8" +"11 yr old: Dad, while you're in the kitchen, will you make me popcorn. Me: Poof. You're popcorn","11: *eye roll* Wife: *groan* Me: *intent chuckle*" +"I don't mean to sound racist, but. Amish people can","NOT drive." +"There have been years of analysis by mainframe computers but it was a humble supermarket self checkout which finally unlocked the secrets of how dogs communicate with each other","Apparently, it's a series of bark codes" +"The Pink Panther was counting the ants that he had killed","Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead aaaaaant" +"What sound did the horse make on Roblox when it died","Hoof" +"Why do fish live in salt water","Because if they lived in pepper water, they would sneeze" +"Just went to the bathroom in the hospital The urinal was labeled with a series of characters and numbers. ⬇️ 4U2PN ⬇️ it read. [4U2PN](https://i. imgur. com/tOsarIe","jpg)" +"Did you know that back in the 80's the alphabet only had 24 letters","That's because ET went home" +"I'm going to start a movement that convinces people that vacuum cleaners cause autism in children","It will be called the Anti-vacs Movement" +"My MIL asked How do you pick a good avocado","My FIL responded Pull hard" +"Bucking tradition, I put my picture in a locket for my best girl","I am so independent" +"What do you call a temporary teacher fart","A substitoot" +"What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino","Elliphino" +"Operator: 911, what's your emergency. Responder: My wife's going into labor. I don't know what to do. Operator: Is this her first born","Responder: No, this is her husband" +"I just got fired from my job at a clock making company","Even after all those hours I put in" +"If you yell, “Encore. ” at the end of a drum line performance","be ready to deal with the re-percussions" +"How would one spell that. Mr Khan (thick accent): My name is Mr. Khan Posh British Lady: And how would one spell that. Mr Khan: The same way that two would","(Just heard this gem on an episode of Citizen Khan)" +"Talking about someone on. TV. Dad:. She looks different. Me:. Yeah. I think she had a gastric band a few years ago. Dad:","What kind of music do they play?" +"Rest in peace boiling water","You will be mist" +"Definitely not stolen What Do You Call A Wreath Made Of $100 Bills","*Aretha Franklins*" +"As. I handed my","Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know, one would have been enough.”" +"Physiology used to be the study of carbonated soda","Until they changed the spelling" +"I met a hooker on a farm","What a hoe" +"Mom laughed in the face of cancer with a dad joke this morning. My mom is going in for a colonoscopy this morning. Maybe a polyp, maybe cancer, maybe not. I hugged her this morning and said Good luck. She replied Oh, thanks. I hope it'll come out alright in the end. I was devastated","Damn" +"My Grandpa's joke, used it today after a haircut Co-worker- did you get your hair cut","Me: nope, just got my ears lowered Thanks for the great joke, Donny" +"The groan made it worthwhile. I was sitting down and watching Harry Potter with my family. Me: [tuts] Wife: What. Me: This should definitely be an 18. Wife: Why. Me: All this cursing","[grins] Family: [groans]" +"Why did the astronaut leave his wife","Because he needed some space" +"Prototypical One Direction Fan [Prototypical One Direction Fan](http://i. imgur. com/Bo8M1uG","jpg)" +"When pornstars go to hospital","do they get XXX rays" +"Waitress rubbing their eye: I've got something in my eye My Dad: I just saw it. it was your finger","A dad at another table approved with his chuckle, and will likely use it himself someday" +"I like nuclear power","Because it's green energy" +"WiFi Dad I just arrived at my parent's house for a week long vacation and needed to know the WiFi password. Me, yelling to mom who was in the kitchen: Mom, what's the WiFi password. Mom: It's written on a piece of paper by the computer. Me: What. Dad, sitting beside me on the couch: The password is itswrittenonapieceofpaperbythecomputer","no spaces" +"Hit a deer So last night i hit a deer and my car is done for","First thing my dad said when he came to get me, if you wanted to go deer hunting, I would have taken you, all you had to do was ask" +"Why do cannibals have so many friends","Because they like **meating** people" +"I shot an elephant in my pajamas. Why he was in my pajamas","I will never know" +"Got someone on a delivery earlier I delivered some food to a room and then later came back to the same room to deliver to Guy 1's roommate. So I tell him I brought your roommate some pizza like half an hour ago. You must have seen it and wanted some too","That's what I like to call the Domino's Effect" +"Why did Nemo get killed","He was caught behind anemone lines" +"A comment from my Dad on his Facebook cover photo My Dad decided to update his [Facebook cover photo](http://i. imgur. com/aZyeMr0","jpg) and I had a little laugh at his reply to one of my sisters" +"My wife is on a tropical food diet","It's enough to make a mango crazy" +"What do you call two pencils fighting","A grafight" +"Why did the turkey cross the road","Because the chicken was on strike" +"I feel so much better about life after eating at an Indian restaurant","It's usually good to support a naan-profit organization" +"What's the opposite of Irony","Wrinkly" +"When hearing on the news that there would be. Russian plays featuring many. Tsars at the. Olympics my dad said, wow, all","Tsar cast." +"What do you call twins before they are born","Womb-mates" +"My mother asked me if. I stole cars for the money. I did it for the","Car,ma" +"Sure, pencils have erasers","But that's beside the point" +"Kid: Dad, can you put my shoes on","Dad: No, I don’t think they’ll fit me" +"My water died","It will be mist." +"I've had this joke for 10 years, finally able to use it. My kid sister came into the dining room, asked if I wanted to do yoga","Namaste here" +"“Doctor, I think I have a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bum","” Doctor: I’m sorry to tell you that it is just the tip of the iceberg" +"Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch","Who would stoop so low" +"I would tell a pizza joke","But it would be too cheesy" +"it wrong Oh, you didn’t get it","Sorry, I think I said it wrong" +"Why did the barista pour medicine into the latte","Because it was Coughee" +"Reading Reddit in the bathroom causes numbness in the legs","I can't stand it anymore" +"My parents were talking about a possible vacation. The debate was between either. California or","Florida and when discussing pros and cons of each my dad goes, Well one of these places is much more a-Florida-ble." +"A friend of mine is afraid of cows","He lives his whole life in udder fear" +"Did you hear about the cow that jumped over the fence","It was an utter disaster" +"I just bought a new radio player","Ah nothing, just telling you about my new stereotype" +"Me after the superbowl: I wonder what kind of state Philadelphia is going to be in tomorrow","Dad: I'm pretty sure it'll still be in Pennsylvania" +"Benedict Cumberbatch announces that his baby boy doesn't need his nappy changed, his wife replies","'no shit, Sherlock'" +"My deer cloning operation has succeeded","I can finally make a quick buck" +"What kind of milk do they drink on Wall Street","1%" +"My friend's dad saw the perfect opportunity to bug her [He left this comment 5 minutes after she posted this. He was born ready for this moment. ](http://imgur","com/a/RUT5F)" +"What currency is used in space","Star Bucks" +"Who was the Muslim co-founder of Tesla and SpaceX","Elon Mosque" +"A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. The bartender said You know there's a steering wheel in your pants, right","The pirate said Arrgh, I know, and it's drivin' me nuts" +"I am going to my Womb Okay lets be clear this is more of a Mom joke, but it is a Dad joke of a Mom. Now that's out of the way I was over at my friend's house, his parents are pretty funny and this joke is about his parent and not mine own. So my friend has a four year old sister and she was mad because she couldn't have soda, so she threw a four year old fit. Her dad comes up to her and tells her she can have a cup of water. She starts crying and yells I am going to my Womb , as four year olds can't pronounce Rs. Her Mother appears from her room and screams Hey once you're out, you're out. There is no coming back in The Dad who was doing his poker face breaks and starts crying laughing, so does everyone else but the daughter who just looks confused","After a few seconds we calm down and she says it again and storms off, as we chuckle" +"What kind of shoes do ninjas wear","Sneakers" +"If I have 26 sheep and one dies, how many are left. 19. Get it. 20 sick sheep. Told to me by my 10 year old daughter","She's going to make a great dad one day" +"Eating a free hot dog. Friend: How does it taste. Me: Quite good, frankly. Friend: Do you practice puns","And that's the proudest I've ever felt" +"The constant feeling of Retail Déjà Vu is labelled","Déjà SKU" +"Teenage daughter asked for a nose ring. http://i. imgur. com/He6BwQX","jpg" +"What do you call a FLY with no wings","A WALK" +"What stores have the most problems. Shoe stores","They always have ten issues" +"A neighbor told me she saw my dogs chasing people on bikes. I told her that’s impossible","My dogs can’t even ride bikes" +"NBC is planning an old-fashioned sitcom about Abraham Lincoln","It will be shot before a live audience" +"My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight","I guess I'll never hold a candle to him" +"If you ever find yourself at -273","15 Celsius, just remember that you will still be 0K" +"My dad asked me why 6 was afraid of 7 I said, Because 7 8 9","He said, No, 7 was a registered six offender" +"I have a Polish friend who’s a sound technician Oh, and a Czech one too. Czech one too","Czech one too" +"My hamster died last night","He fell asleep at the wheel" +"What did one pencil tell the other when it answered a question in class","You're sharp" +"What's brown and sticky. A stick","(What a classic" +"I really hated the. French. Revolution. But now that it's over. I feel much. Les","Misérables." +"Probably my best one yet while mingling with my coworkers. So my coworkers and I were sitting around and chatting, and someone brings up how her ex boyfriend always wanted this $90 wok. So she bought it for him for Christmas or something and he never uses it","After everyone gets done with their What a dick comments, I chime in with I guess you could say he talked the talk, but didn't wok the wok Groans and highfives all around" +"Longest Word in the English language. Do you know what the longest word in the dictonary is","Smiles, because there is a mile between the S's" +"Sure geology rocks","But aviation is really fly" +"Heard it from Pop twenty-five years ago and I still laugh. Bug hits the windshield while we are driving. Do you know what was the last thing to go through that bug's mind","His ass" +"What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle","Attire" +"When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet","When it's not raining" +"Why did Adele cross the road","To say hello from the other side" +"Two artists had an art contest","It ended in a draw" +"My daughter asked me what classified means","I said, I can't tell you" +"Which dating app did the chicken use","Tender" +"Got the security guard while leaving work today I was walking by the front desk with a leaf blower and the security guard puts his hands up and says leaf me alone","i smirk at him and quickly come back with Ahhh, I tree what you did there" +"My boss kept nagging me so I told him, “Lay off","” My wife was not happy when I got home and told her I needed to start job hunting" +"My best friend happens to be the Norse god of mischief, but he doesn't like to talk about it","He's pretty low key" +"I was thinking to myself, if I wanted to race some musical instruments, where would I go","Then it came to me, a soundtrack of course" +"An archeologist just dug up a prehistoric tampon","He still isn't sure which period it was from." +"How did the Mexican cut his pizza","With Little Ceasers" +"I taught my daughter to use the word universe","She said thanks Dad, that means everything to me" +"My newborn twin are patriots. Ameri and","Erica." +"How do they milk oats. So my family and I were watching TV and an ad for oat milk came up. I asked out loud how do they milk oats","My stepsister responded they crush them until they cry I instinctively said they do that with grapes too but they only wine" +"What do you call a large collection of dad jokes","A dadabase" +"Did you hear that there were two competing titles for the new Star Wars movie","Rogue Won" +"I once accidentally sat down on a sheet of glass","It was a massive pane in my ass" +"What do you call someone with no body and no nose","Nobody knows" +"why does Waldo always wear stripes","Cause he doesn't want to be spotted" +"I was cloning girls named Ariana","I stopped at a hundred Grande" +"How do Catholics make holy water","They boil the hell out of it" +"I cut down a tree and it happened to land on my neighbor's car","It was an axident." +"I've got something to say, it's pretty dirty though","Laundry" +"So I bought a new book. So I treated myself to some new books yesterday from a small local place near me, I decided to stop off at the parents on the way home and the mother had her face in the book bag before I new what was going on. I'm showing her what I've bought and when opening one of them, I find a small maggot like creature splattered inside one of the covers. The remains of its body on one side, a goopy mess on the other. At this point the father walks past, peers over my shoulder & says 'you know what that is don't you. No I replied, thinking I'm going to get some to quality useless dad knowledge laid upon me. 'A bookworm' he states","And fully committed to his delivery, walks clear through the kitchen and out to his shed without even a glance back" +"So my dad and I were driving when we saw this sign. The sign said, No interest for six months","My dad glanced at it and said, How do they know that people will be interested after six months" +"What do you call a dead fly","A flew" +"How do astronauts say sorry","They apollo-gise" +"Do you know why we see very few goats in China","Because of the former 1 kid policy" +"Why did Batman collect different types of metals","Because he was an ore fan" +"Monkeys and dad jokes: an exquisite combination In my biology class not too long ago, we covered a mini unit on invasive species. One of my classmates was giving a presentation on an invasive monkey species, explaining how it is very aggressive in nature and has been known to attack people and other animals in small groups. After hearing this, I couldn't help but raise my hand and pose the question: So you could say these monkeys use guerrilla warfare. Almost the entire class groaned simultaneously","It was glorious" +"I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex","He's a small arms dealer" +"My daughter yesterday: Dad you're like a social vegan. You avoid 'meet' whenever possible","Clearly I've raised her well" +"I know its been posted before, I don't care. My dad always used this one on me whenever something hurt, and I, in turn, use it on my sons. * Me: dad, my foot really hurts * Dad: That's weird, does your face hurt * Me: (groan and walk away because I should've known better) * Dad: (yelling as I'm getting out of his line of dad joke fire) WELL ITS KILLING ME","I find this joke superb nowadays" +"Two Inuits are out fishing on a kayak. Two Inuits are out fishing on a kayak. They've been out all day, and the sun's setting. As the temperature drops, they decide to light a campfire on the watercraft, which, unsurprisingly sinks","This just goes to prove that you can't have your kayak and heat it too" +"I just changed my IPod’s name to “The Titanic”","And now it’s synching" +"A special kind of friendship So I went running today and got home exhausted and messaged a good friend of mine: http://imgur","com/wQwfIbP" +"Where do sheep go to get their hair cut","The baa-baa shop" +"How do DEA agents start all of their jokes","“Narc Narc”" +"Wife had gone out for shopping & I was jerking off peacefully after locking the door, when the door bell rang. When I opened the door, my wife was complaining that I took forever to open the door. I dunno why she was complaining","I came as fast as I could" +"The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission. By recycling one can, you can save","Toucans" +"Dad joked a client yesterday I'm a graphic designer. Client how much field work do you have. Me none","I prefer doing work at my desk" +"Sometimes I wake up grumpy","Other times I let her sleep in" +"What is Homer Simpson's favorite animal","A Doe" +"So I asked my Dad, Did you get a haircut. He says, No","I got them all cut" +"There was a horrible accident in my town yesterday. A kid was playing with a yo-yo and it somehow got caught in a car's bumper. The car took off and ripped the poor kids arm off","The driver was arrested for armed robbery" +"What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino","Hellifino" +"My kids keep laughing at and teasing me about my memory…. Well, they won’t be laughing or teasing when there’s no decorated eggs hidden under the","Christmas tree." +"My wife is not sure about my big beard anymore","I responded, Well, it's really grown on me" +"I'm supposed to be reading a book in school about the history of glue","but I just can't pick it up" +"My Dad told me he'd booked an appointment with a Jamaican barber today","He says he's dreading it" +"A truly epic win This story happened, just shortly after my daughter was born, at work. I had a coworker who hated puns. I had made a particular bad one, I completely forget what it was. Just an on the fly thing. Suddenly my coworker stands up and the following exchange happens: Him (loudly proclaiming): Puns are awful. They're terrible. Puns are the lowest form of comedy. Only the most infantile people laugh at puns. We need to have a pun jar. like a swear jar, but instead of swearing we put a quarter in it every time someone makes a pun. Me: (after a short silence) That sounds like a GREAT idea. Him (confused): No, it's like a swear jar but you put money into it when you swear. Me: Yeah I understand that Him: You'd be the hardest hit with that. Me: Yeah, I understand that. Nevertheless it has my wholehearted support. Him: (Now very VERY confused) Why would you support something that would hurt you more than anyone else. Me: Because. we could totally call it the PUNishment jar. There were three people who clearly heard this exchange. Each one busted out laughing so hard. one of them was pounding his fist into his desk","The look on this poor guy's face: priceless" +"Dad joked by accident today. GF: I had to work extra because the accountant at worked screwed up. Me: She should be held","accountable" +"Last. Thanksgiving, my mother told me If your brothers start arguing, don't take sides . Sure enough, they yelled at each other and","I could only have turkey" +"A dad asked his wife what sort of food would be available at the venue the family was visiting. She said, Fries and shit. So","poo-tine" +"I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died","but instead, I was delighted" +"Dadjoked my friend Friend of mine is filling out an application and needs three work references. He says, I'm putting down my boss. Don't insult your boss, dude","*groan* :D" +"Doctor: Did you know that you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions","Man: Can’t say that I’m surprised" +"I've always wanted to replace the Mediterranean with orange soda","I guess it's always been my greatest Fanta Sea" +"The son and a polar bear were having a conversation At one point, the conversation got really awkward","Nobody was talking, so the son decided to break the ice" +"What's the temperature inside a Tauntaun","Luke-warm" +"I said it once and I’ll say it again","it" +"If you ever get cold just stand in the corner for a bit","They are usually around 90 degrees" +"A slice of apple pie is $2. 50 in Jamaica and $3","00 in the Bahamas These are the pie rates of the Carribean" +"I’ve gone bald, but kept my comb","I just can’t part with it" +"Vacuum wasn't working so well","So I put a ford sticker on it, to make it suck more" +"I recently started dating a ghost. I guess you could say","I got boo'd up." +"It's fascinating how the bug churches divided many years ago and now","the bugs are all in sects" +"What do you get when you mix goat DNA and human DNA","Kicked out of the petting zoo" +"Why is Obama taking all the writing instruments out of the White House","Because Trump is bringing his own Pence" +"Why did the tomato blush","Because it saw the salad dressing" +"FIVE had Iron deficiency","So it became four" +"Wanna hear a joke about pizza","Nevermind, it's too cheesy" +"What was the name of Michael Jackson's denim store","Billie Jeans" +"Why did the sheep get his license taken away","He was a baaad driver" +"I was surprised to see the make of my Millenium Falcon model","It was Toy Yoda" +"How does the Jewish man make his world famous coffee","Hebrews it" +"My 8-year-old made up this gem today, he’ll make a great dad some day. Who’s the smelliest billionaire in the world","Elon MUSK" +"I can't believe that that velcro cost $88 per metre","What a rip off" +"How did the hipster fall into the river","He went ice skating before it was cool" +"I love the 2003 version of Duvet Know It's Christmas","It's one of my favourite covers" +"What did the banana say to the other banana","I gotta split" +"Doctor gave me 3 months to live","I couldn't pay the bill, so he gave me another month" +"What do you call a diseased short person who tries to take your money","A leper con" +"Alright, I'm just going to come right out and say it","It" +"I asked my buddy who was in the Air Force to buy me a Microsoft tablet today","So I could thank him for his Surface" +"Baking bread is annoying I absolutely loaf it","(Loath)" +"What is a giraffe's favorite fruit","NECK-tarines" +"I've said it before and I'll say it again","It" +"My neighbor kept running across my lawn and then pretends to get blown up by explosives","I’m tired of his mine games" +"What do the Irish say when they’re overwhelmed","Oh my Guinness" +"Why did the iPad go to the dentist","It had Bluetooth" +"Never trust an atom","They make up everything." +"Interviewer: Your reference letters said that you take things too literally. Me: Whoa","Reference letters can talk now" +"Why is there always a passenger in an ambulance","Because they are paramedics" +"Got My Friend Real Good Today My friend was telling me how she heard that cats cannot smell reptiles (sidenote: What. So I replied Sounds like cats have a case of ereptile dysfunction","She promptly got up and left the room" +"Son, now that you are a father, you should read this book What is it dad","1001 greatest dad jokes wow dad, i'm honoured hi honoured, i'm dad" +"Why did the priest let us use our phones in mass this past Wednesday","Because we were about to be ash-tagged blessed" +"If the. British were to switch from pounds to kilograms overnight","Their wallets would be very heavy" +"Dad, I really want to work in the moisturizer industry, what should I do","The best advice I can give you is to apply daily" +"Took a DNA test","I can’t post on this subreddit" +"I’m a kleptomaniac","Sometimes I have to take something for it" +"I just DadJoked my dad He’s making chicken alfredo and he went to throw away the jars and he dropped one","I looked at him and said “I was alfreada that happening" +"My friend owned a racing snail. It never won any races so he removed the shell to make it go faster","Sadly it didn't work, if anything it made it more sluggish" +"My dad and I were walking down the street when we passed a man walking 4 dogs. He turned to me and said, “Whoa","How blind was that guy" +"The water died yesterday","It shall be mist" +"I got my wife at the grocery store But honestly I'm considering returning her","She don't seem to get my jokes" +"Ghandi started a fight at a party","When asked to leave, he replied Namaste" +"My daughter was very excited with her purchase of Frozen Underwear. I had to ask wont your butt be cold","6 year olds are awesome when they get frustrated at dadjokes" +"My arborist friend was helping a tree that was peeling","But it turns out he was barking up the wrong tree" +"Dad saw a news article Son arrested after murdered father found in freezer","Dad said: Guess you could call him a pop-cicle" +"I’ve spent two and a half years making a watch big enough to be a belt","It was a waist of time" +"I remember what my dad told me right before he kicked the bucket Hey, son","Watch me kick this bucket" +"Once. I realized a fake cop pulled me over. I didn't comply. I ensured him","I had a lie sense" +"I can brush my teeth and whistle at the same time","He then proceeds to take out his dentures, brushes them and whistles." +"Got my family at dinner. A little bit of context: we're finishing dinner and talking about the weather. My mom says today's storm wasn't as big as forecasted, and my dad comments that another storm is predicted to come on Sunday. I say, Well then shouldn't they call it *Rain*day. Got 2 groans and a half-hearted chuckle","Totally worth it" +"What was the biggest island on earth before Greenland was discovered","Greenland" +"ACT A little context. At my office, we have a program that stores names, phone numbers and addresses of our customers, suppliers etc. Boss: My ACT isn't working. Co-worker: My ACT hasn't been working this whole morning. Me: Well guys, looks like we need to get our ACT together","Being a 26 year old working with people aged between 50-70, I was impressed by all the groans/laughs I received" +"I simply had to purchase the new hat of matted wool","It felt great" +"I commissioned a statue of myself to be built. But the sculptor only did my face and shoulders","What a bust" +"My father is a determined man","He never gives up He has a lot of daddycation" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping","He woke up and everything was fine" +"What do you call a gay house a","HOMEosexual thanks dad" +"My dad told me this one today There are two Olympians speaking to one another: Olympian 1: Are you a pole vaulter","Olympian 2:No, I am German but how did you know my name was Vaulter" +"I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer","I don't know what he laced them with but I have been tripping all day" +"A friend suggested trying a local honey for my allergies. So I did that","Now my wife wants a divorce" +"Dad-joked by an Ikea customer I work at an Ikea, customer using the checkout acknowledges the payment button. Customer: Finish and pay","Shouldn't it be Swedish and pay" +"Why did Russia wait so long to attack the Nazis","They were Stalin" +"I have an inferiority complex","but it's not a very good one" +"As a father of two, he has taught me well. Backstory: A small group of squirrels has been stealing our bird seed. We've tried a variety of methods to get them to stop, and my wife said we need a bb gun. I had one when I was 12. I bet my parents still have it, I said. Me: Do you still have my old BB gun. Or a BB gun. or a pellet gun. Mom: No, what r u doing. Me: Killing squirrels. Dad: Nuts, I wish I could help","I cannot be upset because one day I will do this to my own children, like my father before me" +"I'm selling a TV for $1, but it's broken and it's stuck on the highest volume","That's a deal you can't turn down" +"I'm a prosecutor, and we had our morning meeting, and I was asked to leave over this one 1: The fight was in the kitchen area at the restaurant between the bus boy and the dish washer. Me: Who is the defendant. 1: The dish washer. Me: Is it the State v. Ken More","(Kenmore) 2: Get out" +"What Disney character solved the most mysteries. Quasimodo","He always had a hunch" +"You guys ever notice how there's no vampires in Africa","Well, from what I know about Vampires, Holy Water can kill them, and from what I've heard they bless the rains down in Africa" +"I went to the hospital to find the answer to a riddle","Where else would I find a paradox" +"Did you know that most pirate shanties","Were sung on the high C" +"What skill does a herb farmer need to perfect","Thyme management" +"What kind of person wears two watches at once","Someone with too much time on their hands" +"A psychic midget escaped from jail. The police put out an A","for a small medium at large" +"A termite walks into a bar","He sits down and asks is the bar tender here?" +"I went to buy camo underwear the other day","I couldn’t find any" +"What did the redditor say after he robbed the bank","Edit: wow thanks for the gold" +"My dog has a song she likes for rawhide bones. Gnaw, gnaw, gnaw, gnaw Gnaw, gnaw, gnaw, gnaw Hey, hey, hey","Goodbye" +"What's a mathmetician's favorite type of art","Graphiti" +"What do you call someone with no feet","Defeated" +"My dad dropped the hammer My dad, who is Indian, lives in a small college town with a small community of modest, nerdy Indians. Enter the one fashionista who shows up at a get together sporting a DKNY shirt. My dad walks up, seemingly completely ignorant, and loudly asks, WHAT IS THIS DONKEY SHIRT. Fashionista cried","I died" +"I'll tell you what's hard to beat","A boiled egg" +"My son and I were driving down the road when we saw a truck hauling a huge load of Goodyears. I said I feel sorry for that guy . My son said: why","Because he looks extremely tired" +"I had my photo taken professionally for the first time","I hope they give it back" +"Leftover Thanksgiving turkey I actually got my dad with this one, and I was so proud. I was getting ready to head back home after visiting my folks for Thanksgiving. My mom is, of course, insisting that I take insane amounts of leftovers home. My dad pulls out what's left of the turkey. Dad (rube): All we've got left are the legs and wings. Are you sure you want those. Me (smart): Of course. You know I like the Napoleon pieces. Dad: The what. Me: The Napoleon pieces. Dad: . Me: The bony parts","They couldn't wait for me to leave" +"What do you call a thousand outstanding lawyers at the bottom of the ocean","The Great Barrister Reef" +"Wanna hear a joke about potassium?","K" +"I ate a clock today. It was very time consuming, especially when","I went back for seconds" +"She still is down for a second date Went on a date with a girl, and she was wearing a flannel shirt. She mentioned how her friends who are into fashion would kill her if they knew that she went on a first date in a flannel shirt. I saw opportunity. I reached over, felt the arm and said, this isn't flannel, is it felt. She responds No, I just said its Flannel but I cut her off and said IT IS NOW She didn't leave immediately, and we are going out again","Figured would let her know what she was getting into right away" +"What’s a dung beetle’s favorite app","*Turds With Friends*" +"My dad slays everyone with his jokes Dad: What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend. Me: Uh. I have no idea. Dad: She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all","Ba dum tsss" +"4 years old daughters Dad joke. We are pulling out of the parking lot when my wife asks our daughter Are you buckled","At which she replied I'm not buckle, I'm Genevieve" +"What goes clopclopclop-clop-clop-clop-clopclopclop","Horse code" +"This one is from my 7 years old brother What causes dry skin","Towels" +"Next Question Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: Who just threw that","Boy: Me and I’m going home now" +"As I was taking care of a patient today. and I was attempting to start an IV on him, I begin explaining what I'm about to do. Now, he's a Dentist, so he's been through all this before. So, as I finish my usual explanation, I slip in, But you already know the drill. Cue his laughter, and a groan from his wife","Not a Dad, but I think I'd be good at it" +"He is extremely spontaneous with his jokes We were at a Brazilian restaurant , and when asked how rare he wants his meat, he said I want my meat rarer than unicorn meat","The waiter just shook his head and walked away" +"My favourite literary character is Quasimodo ……","because he has a twisted back story" +"I asked my dad how many inches are in a foot","He said it depends whose foot" +"My daughter (after shouting at a squirrel): how do I make a squirrel run away","Me: run over there and try to grab his nuts; he'll run" +"For. Valentines. Day i bought. My wife a brand new fridge","I loved seeing her face light up when she opened it" +"With great reflexes","come great response ability" +"Why is a Pharaoh like a trumpet","They have a toot in common" +"Why should you never trust an atom","Those bastards literally make up everything" +"I went into a crypt but couldn't recognize the bodies","I guess they were encrypted." +"My wife told me she saw two EMTs walking over by the hospital. “Two EMTs. ” I asked her","don’t you mean “pair o’ medics”" +"How do you know when a whale likes you","They hump back" +"What's bigger than the Rio Grande","Rio Venti" +"What’s red and smells like blue paint","Red paint" +"How does Harry Potter go down a hill Walking J","Rowling" +"My grandad was a baker in the army","He went in all buns glazing" +"The drunk guy next to me at the bar last night was talking about his southern pronunciation of words. (True story, not a set up for a joke. ) Orange as arr-anj. Wash as warsh. He asks us what we call the big thing hanging on the wall in the bathroom. We all say mirror, but a friend of mine says, I bet you call it a mirra. He yells, It's called a mirra. The bartender walks up at this moment and asks us, What's a mirra","I say, Not much, what's a mirra with you" +"When my dad accepted my boyfriend. My dad used a piece of wood to stop our dog from going in the living room. He called it the terrier barrier. Several years later, my boyfriend is over having dinner with us. Suddenly the dog jumps over the terrier barrier . Instantly my boyfriend says, looks like it's an Interior Terrier Barrier","We all lost it" +"What did Raichu say when it saw Pikachu","Raichu" +"A woman was found guilty and the judge declared she will serve 10 years in prison or she can sleep with him","He got in trouble for Ending a sentence with a proposition" +"My 3yr old daughter is showing good signs. Hey dad. Yes dear. Hey, im not a DEER. Caught me off guard so early in the morn. It was quick, and it was glorious","I need to step my game up before i lose my throne" +"Hey, dad, says here on this sign that elephant seals can dive to 1500 meters","That's Unfathomable" +"How do you introduce a hamburger. Meat","Patty" +"Dad joked the Mrs. Gave her a kiss and our lips got zapped from static","I guess there's still sparks between us Que groan" +"A whale walks into a bar. This come courtesy of my wife A whale walks into a bar, as soon as the bartender sees him he starts yelling at him, we don't serve your kind here, get out. So the whale leaves and resolves to change things, he goes to college, gets his business degree and buys the bar he was thrown out of. He hires the same bartender and kept everything the same. He walks into the bar, now the proud owner, and again the bartender see him. What can I get you boss the bartender asks nervously","The whale pauses shortly as if contemplating, he then opens his mouth and says, blub blub blub because whales can't talk" +"Bro did you see that tree yesterday. Where did it go, it was right here","Yes man I saw it" +"What do you call a neat Caucasian","Tidy whitey" +"What kind of literature was Jesus into before his death","Cruci-fiction" +"Why is reproduction such a big hit","Because sex cells" +"Today we celebrate motherfuckers Happy father's day","(Credit to u/beingtwiceasnice)" +"René Descartes walked into a bar. The bartender said “would you like a beer","” René replied “I think not” He disappeared" +"Why was the Cranberry sauce red","Because it saw the Turkey Dressing" +"At a friend's house. His dad just hit us with this Lightning outside. Friend: My friend got hit by lightning twice before. Dad: I'd call that shocking","*awkward laughter" +"My father was a juggler who messed up on opening night of the circus","He ruined months of in-tents training" +"Fruit Salad This happened in the carpool on the way to work today. Me: Dammit, I forgot my banana at home. Co-worker: I have a pear if you're interested. Me: That's okay, I'll just take one","Groans were had by all" +"(serious) I judge my jokes quality by how many times my wife shakes her head while refusing to make eye contact with me","The more the better" +"What do you call a turtle with a plastic bag on its head","A can't sea turtle" +"A pet competition had prizes in shape of a cat's behind","It was a cat-ass-trophy" +"I've been watching the market closely and I think I'll invest heavily in ketchup next year","Yeah, my Heinz sight is 2020" +"How do you know a witches car is coming","You can hear 'broom broom'" +"Kid told me about a dream. My son told me about a dream last night where he got a million dollars for his autograph. My response. If someone's autograph is worth a lot of money","that's a really good sign" +"The number-one-selling brand of tea among. US police officers is called “Tally”. Police brew","Tally tea." +"What did the carwash clerk say to the robber. Don't rob me","I can give you a clean getaway" +"Dad destroyed my sister tonight Dad: did you also have the curry tonight. Me: yeah it was great wasn't it. Dad: yes it was very good Sister: have you eaten mum","Dad: no I haven't eaten mum I ate curry" +"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but","I’ve been tripping all day." +"SON:(surprised): Hey DaD. What the. I Can see through you. You're invisible. FATHER: But you just told me you're transgender, right. So that makes me","TRANSPARENT" +"Two scientists walks into a bar. The first scientist asks for H²O. The other scientist looks at the first for a moment before ordering water too","The first scientist sheds in tears since his assassination plan has failed" +"Got my fiancée on the way to the gym We were walking and eating a quick pre-workout snack when she said well I guess that nut goes to the birds then because she dropped a cashew she was about to eat. I looked at her and asked so would you call that a cashew-alty","She rolled her eyes and kept while I had to stop from laughing to much" +"Why do giraffes have such long necks","Because if they didn't, their heads would just be floating in the air" +"Just heard this cracker Son: Are there any more Fish Fingers. Dad: Yes, they're in the oven. Son: How long will they be","Dad: About 4 inches Son: ಠ_ಠ" +"What do you call Mexican without a car","Joaquin" +"Who is the most devilish christian of all time. St","Anne" +"Time flies like an arrow","Fruit flies like a banana" +"What area of Europe has the most gyms","The Bulk-ans" +"Where do Gordon Freeman and Jon Snow meet for drinks","The Crowbar" +"The guy who stole my diary just died","My thoughts are with his family" +"The world’s worst impressionist walks into a bar","The bartender says, “Why the wrong face" +"Did you hear about the politically correct person that was trampled. He was trying to cross the street during a marathon","He died because he couldn't see race" +"Officer Lo My dad is a corrections officer. Him and another guy, office Lo, are watching a prisoner at the hospital","My dad said if the prisoner acts up, I go high, he go Lo" +"No one knows what happened to the celebrity firefighter","Guess he had his 15 minutes of flame" +"I named my new rescue dog five miles","So when someone asks I can say, I walk 5 miles every day" +"I was trying to explain Feudalism to someone, comparing it to a democratic system","In one, it's your vote that counts, in the other: it's the Count that votes" +"What do you call a buffet with lot's of garlic. Buffet The Vampire Slayer","(Made it up at work today and got a polite chuckle" +"So the former calendar maker says to his wife","So the former calendar maker says to his wife, he says, I don't understand it, my wife, all I did was take a day off" +"I misplaced a very small tool Today my wife and I decided to go to the store when she got home from work for stir-fry supplies. I hadn't gone anywhere all day, so I had to grab my shoes and socks. I guess I'd misplaced one of my tiny screwdrivers from my toolbag and it had ended up inside a shoe. It plopped out into my palm when I tried to shake out the shoe, which prompted me to turn to my wife and exclaim, Phew. That was a close call. I almost really screwed up my foot. She gave me a look that said 'I am way too tired to deal with this nonsense'","Stir-fry was fantastic, though" +"What did Mel Gibson say during the eclipse","Give me back my sun" +"An elephant walked into a bar","And the bar entered renovation" +"Did you hear that the largest online retailer started selling steaks","Amazon Prime Rib" +"I was walking with my friend and he said “what rhythms with orange","” And I said “no it doesn’t”" +"When you're in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil","Then you'll get a Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis" +"I've a fear of over-engineering of buildings. It's","Complex complex complex" +"Any competent tailor can repair a pair of pants","or sew its seams" +"Was cooking dinner with the fiance the other night and sent her into a giggle fit She had come home with a bag of groceries and in it was a bunch of broccoli tied together with some yellow rubber tape. It kind of looked like a crime scene when she laid it on the counter. So I asked her, Did you hear from the eyewitness that saw this broccoli murder. She said No. So I say, One guy saw two other broccoli gangsters roll up and shoot the guy","Then they both jumped in their car and the gangster told his driver to **floret** So bad, but it got her good" +"I accidentally microwaved a few one dollar bills","Now there really are some hot singles in my area" +"What did the guy who learned the abbreviations for Ohio and Oklahoma say","OH, OK" +"Son we have to tell you something. you are adopted. Son replies: I knew it. I've got so much questions. Parents: Pack your things","Your new Parents come in 2 hours" +"What comes after 2","No it's 3" +"What do you call a bear with no teeth","A gummy bear" +"Me: You look great. Did you get a haircut","Dad: No, I got them all cut" +"First time being dadjoked After dinner I tell my family I'll be right back, I gotta run to Target real quick My dad then says, Why you going to run, you can take the car","I sighed" +"My friend’s birthday is October 10th. Every year i get him a watch made of wood. Now his birthday is coming up","10/10 wood watch again" +"Power's out where I live so I'm hanging out with the family. Little sister inherited my dad's sense of humor","She said we should go to the corner to warm up—it's 90 degrees" +"My fridge was turned up too high and my lunch meat froze","Guess I'm quitting cold turkey" +"I gave all my dead batteries away today","free of charge" +"Sister was telling a story. Sister was telling a story about how she saw a video in school of bears mating. Me (channeling the power of the dad joke): Sounds like they where having a *beary* good time","Dad: Oh son, that joke was un*bear*able One upped again" +"What do you call a carnivorous weather person","A meat-eater-ologist" +"Why did the old woman fall into the well","Because she couldn’t see that well" +"son: dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is","no sun" +"If Green = Spring, Red = Summer, Orange = Autumn, and Blue = Winter, which colour is the wettest","The Spring-colour" +"I was very proud of this one So I was leaving the local music store on an overcast day, and I passed by an older gentleman outside on the walk to my car. It had started sprinkling pretty hard at this point. Old man: Looks like rain Me: Feels like it, too","Blank stare as I get in my car and drive away" +"I’ve been supergluing mushrooms all over my body","My wife says it’s not right, but I’m sticking to my morels" +"Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all information about 80s music. Me: Yikes. What is The Cure. Doctor: Oh my God","It is worse than I thought" +"Is this the blind convention. [https://i. imgur. com/qU6aMeE. jpg](https://i. imgur. com/qU6aMeE","jpg)" +"took my sons advice and made some bitcoins several years back not sure why people are saying they are worth soo much","all the coin dealers I have visited tell me they would be much more valuable without the teeth marks" +"Did you hear Apple is designing a car","It was going great until they attempted to install windows" +"Wife dadjoked me this weekend We were on a day trip with our toddlers, and they were being pretty cranky","I said Look guys, you just need to make it until the tasting room opens, then Mommy and Daddy will be much happier Without missing a beat, she says I don't know, I've had enough whine this morning" +"What's a dot","An asterisk with hair gel" +"Is that shirt felt","*feels your shirt* It is now" +"Did you hear about the factory with a low self esteem","He had an industrial complex" +"I've heard that Prague is really cool","We would Czech it out" +"I’m suspicious of my friend’s story about how he climbed Mount Everest","In the end, I’m not sure whether he made it up" +"Doctor: Sir,. I'm afraid your. DNA is backwards","Me: And?" +"I drank some food coloring. The doctor says. I'm okay. But inside","I'm dyeing" +"Is this a dad joke. So a colleague is in the habit of saying sh#t in every sentence. It's never really annoying, but I couldn't help it. So, when he said sh#t for the umpteenth time in the day, I blurted out: Dude, do you know you have a mouth like an a##hole. Because whenever you open it, 'sh#t' comes out","he didn't seem too amused" +"[NSFW]What happens when you cross a Freudian Slip with an Oedipus Complex","Its where you say one thing and you ~~fuck your mother~~ do another" +"Who says, Oh, Oh, Oh","Santa walking backwards" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When the punch line becomes a-pparent" +"What’s a priests favorite key","A minor" +"This is the first dad joke my dad has made in years, and it made me genuinely furious. Me: Heh, Barrack Obamas initials are B","Dad: Wow, that stinks" +"Buying a fish at the pet store Employee: This is a beta fish. They're a really pretty species, but be careful if you are going to have other fish in the tank because they are very aggressive; it's generally not a good idea to have that. Dad: Interesting","I would imagine that the alpha fish would be more aggressive" +"Did you hear about the two owls stealing from tourists on Machu Picchu","They were incahoots" +"You can tell if a band has real soul if, when they go on tour, you can tell the difference between the real band playing and a computer recording it's called the. Touring","Test" +"When booking a table for dinner. Me: Lets go at 7. Mother: I'll book for 7 then. Father: 7","There's only 3 of us" +"How did the atom feel when it lost an electron","Positive" +"What is a bear’s favorite fruit","Bearries" +"I've started a business building yachts in my attic","Sails are going through the roof" +"My pregnant wife asked me if. I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her…","I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”" +"What is the difference between a circus and a strip club","The circus is filled with cunning stunts" +"Driving wildy Situation: My dad starts swerving around the road joking that he's a asshole on a cell phone Me: you know some undercover cops could pull you over thinking your drunk right","Dad: yeah but I don't see any cops under blankets so we're safe" +"(OC) Samurai: So you're telling me You can kill someone by throwing this pointy metal star at them","Ninja: shuriken" +"The second wife of King Henry VIII would never arrive in a room quickly","She would just Anne Boleyn" +"My Dad's reaction whenever he's given a cup of tea which is understrength Urgh, If this was any weaker","it'd be a fortnight (Looks around for approval from the family)" +"Why do koi fish always travel in groups of 4","So the A koi, the B koi, and the C koi can escape, because they know the predator will always go after the D koi" +"Every single time we are out for dinner and someone goes to order calamari. Me: Shall we get some calamari to start. Dad: Sure, it's gonna cost us a couple of squid though","-_-" +"The facts about tentative nudists","are slowly revealing themselves" +"Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea","Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels" +"What is the best pan to use to make sushi","&#x200B; Japan" +"My drunk friend was kicked out of Karaoke for singing “Danger Zone” 7 times in a row","He had exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts" +"Why is a chocolate cake a bad partner","Because it will dessert you" +"This is messed up. D. E. S. S. E","M" +"Why do Seagulls fly over the Sea","Because if the flew over the bay they'd be Bagels" +"I was at a party. I was at a party and wanted a fruity drink","Lucky for me, there was no punchline" +"What do you call fake pasta","An imPASTA!!!" +"I was waiting in line for burgers. I said, Ha, looks like we're in BURGATORY, huh","Nobody laughed" +"I apologize, this is a long one","Ooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeee" +"If a goose can fly away from the sun at 20mph, how fast can he fly toward the sun","*puts hand over eyes and flaps the other arm like a wing* 10mph" +"My father on Chinese food. Dad, what does Moo Shoo mean","Cow go away" +"When geese fly in a V why is one side always bigger than the other. Because there's more geese on that side","Easily my favorite joke ever told by my father" +"Got my Dad today We are renovating our bathroom. Almost finished all we have left is to hang the door. He measures the door frame and asks me How big is the door","i looked him dead in the eyes and replied Big enough to fit the hole There was a brief pause then we both broke out into laughter" +"What do you get when you pick a pigs nose","Ham boogers 😆 I know I know…snot funny 😂 😆" +"Communism is the best","Sorry, just Putin' it out there" +"He got engaged to a certified dad The guy I'm dating's last name is Feliz. Over the holidays at his family's New Years party his little brother asked his girlfriend to marry him. Her response. Yes. It would make me happy. Feliz is Spanish for happy. He is literally making her happy. I was rolling","I think everyone else may have heard variations of the joke too many times cause all they did was groan but I definitely think she's a honorary dad" +"What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss","Ouch" +"My wife has this weird case of OCD where she organizes the dinner plates according to the year we bought them","It’s an extremely rare dish order" +"My 5yr-old just got me tonight Explaining to her during bedtime snuggle that I'm about to make it so her bed is much higher than her little brother's. Her- oh like a junk bed. Me- no silly, it's a bunk bed Her- oh yeah (sheepishly), bunk bed Snuggle a bit more Her- do you know why it's called a bunk bed daddy","Me- no Her- because it's so high when you sit up you bunk your head on the ceiling Me- hugs her tightly" +"My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head","I went we'll that's mature" +"Dad goes to. Radio","Shack #" +"I invented a new word","Plagiarism" +"At the end of the day","It's just midnight" +"Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram","I was like, 0mg" +"My friend said he was sick of my. Russia puns","So ve it." +"My son is too smart He's the top of his kindergarten class","Next week i will buy something special for is upcoming 21st birthday" +"The closets at my parents' house Every time I go home and [open the closet doors](http://imgur","com/MOjzwmK) I roll my eyes and chuckle a little" +"What do you call someone who works for their parents, but still lives at home","A dependent contractor" +"If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May flowers bring","Pilgrims" +"I started getting death threats after wearing paper towels for a hat","Apparently there's a Bounty on my head" +"Many people want the Damn Daniel trend to end","But how will they feel when he's back at it again (with the white Vans)" +"Professor just dad-joked the class on the first day So, our professor was calling out names for attendance: Professor: Holly Brown. Holly: Here. Professor: Xu Shuo. *silence* Professor: I guess we can all say that he's a no-Shuo","*Facepalms and groans scattered across the room" +"I use this one every time my wife and I go to the movies. I now gift it to you. This is my favorite stupid joke to use out at the movies. Every movie. Action, drama, comedy, whatever. Movie ends. Credits roll. People start getting up. I turn to my wife and say, Wanna stick around and see if (character) joins The Avengers. It works with everything. After Moana: Wanna stick around and see if Maui joins the Avengers. After Baby Driver: Wanna stick around and see if Baby joins the Avengers. Even works for villians. Why not. After Deepwater Horizon: Wanna stick around and see if the oil joins the Avengers. I guarantee you eyerolls aplenty","Use it in good health" +"I asked my geology professor what the hardest thing on next week's exam will be","A: Quartz" +"I accidentally drank some holy water with my laxative","I’m about to start a religious movement" +"Walking through a graveyard I saw a man crouched in front of a grave so i said Morning","he replied No, just taking a shit" +"A cow stumbled into a pot field","The steaks have never been higher" +"I quit my job at. FedEx. Was gonna tell you all about, but","OP doesn't deliver." +"Why are basketball players good at handling breakups","Because they can always rebound" +"“Esrowneve” may look like gibberish","But when you put it backwards, it’s even worse…" +"My Dad's Never Ending Joke. When I was younger my dad would randomly tell this one Dad: Pete and Repeat are on a boat. Pete fell off, who's left on the boat. Me: . Repeat Dad: Ok, if you say so. Pete and Repeat are on a boat","Pete fell off, who's left on the boat" +"How much did the pirate charge for ear piercing","A buccaneer" +"Someone was recently traumatized at a glass bottling facility","I've heard it was a jarring experience" +"What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired","“Urine" +"Got my daughter this evening My 4 year old came to me and said Dad, do you think my new magnet is pretty. I said, Yes, it's very attractive","My wife's eye rolling could be heard from the other room" +"What do whales enjoy listening to","The Orcastra" +"My dad found a dog shape in a cross section of a tree. He showed it to me and said, Looks like he barked up the wrong tree. [Imgur link](http://i. imgur. com/VocbkLp","jpg)" +"An opinion without 3","14 is an onion" +"So my friend asked me to tell them some puns to try and make them laugh, so I tried ten times","Alas, no pun in ted did" +"Have you heard about corduroy pillows","They're making headlines everywhere" +"What do lawyers wear","Lawsuits" +"What do you call a fake Noodle","An im Pasta" +"So I work in a suits store I was talking to my female co worker and I asked her if she was planning on buying a suit anytime soon. Her: uhh. I don't think so","Me: suit yourself" +"What do you call a monkey in a mine field","A babooooom" +"Why don't birds wear pants","Because their pecker is on their face" +"I dont agree with giving my kids vaccinations","I let a doctor do it" +"At the zoo I saw a piece of toast in a cage","The sign on the cage said: BREAD IN CAPTIVITY" +"What are the most relaxing sounds to a pirate. A","'ARRR" +"What do you call a group of slutty mermaids","Water hoes" +"My submarine is very sad","I think it might have deepression" +"What is a doctor's favorite game","King of the heal" +"Annual Dad Joke Day I propose that today, March 4, should be Annual Dad Joke Day","This is dedicated to my father, who has asked me, once a year, What day of the year is a command" +"Orion's belt is a big waist of space","Ok, it's not that funny, only a 3 star joke" +"The walking dad. jokes. http://www. sadanduseless","com/2014/10/the-walking-dad/" +"A dog gave birth to puppies on the sidewalk","She was ticketed for littering." +"Got all my coworkers the other day Coworker: I dropped my freaking phone in the toilet yesterday and it's been acting all screwed up. Me, without missing a beat: no wonder your texts have been so shitty","*collective groan*" +"Multi whammy There we are, sitting in my parents living room when my mom asks me how do I get my iPhone and iPad in sync. I told her ask my sister, just hope she doesn't make them in sync on the backstreet to which my dad chimed in boy that ain't no lie . So I said I know. I think I need to go home","Bye bye bye" +"My parents were watching the Women's World cup last night My mom saw a player that was particularly androgynous and asked my father Is she transgender. She looked like Caitlyn Jenner. My father, without taking his eyes off the game responded No, she's trans-jenner","" +"What is the name of the assassin that only kills candles","John Wick" +"Do you guys know where I can watch Pun","It's supposed to be this new play on words" +"What do you get when you squeeze a Pomeranian between two stones","Pome-GRANITE Juice" +"I've just been scammed. Someone offered me a penny for my thoughts but","Before I knew it, they had gotten my two cents" +"My grandpa always tells me that when he was a kid, a candy bar was a nickel","That must have been so hard to swallow" +"What do Robots snack on. Computer chips. What do they do when they're hungry","Take Mega-bytes" +"Demi Lovato replies with a dadjoke to this question: What is your favourite dish. [I like mugs. ](https://youtu. be/QJwaI-dslbU","t=2m39s)" +"On holiday in. South. America - I'm feeling a little chilly But we're in","Peru" +"20 month old dad joked my 3 1/2 year old. So my oldest was having my youngest say things back to her in the car on the way to daycare this morning. Mostly to be funny - things like booger and toot. Oldest finally starts trying to have her say a bunch of stuff. Went like this. Oldest: ok, say, booger and red and blue and tree and car and boat. Pause, hey. Say this","Youngest: This" +"The actor of. Hagrid asked me why. I want his signature","I said: I am a giant fan!" +"What does a house wear","Address" +"My dad saw my two cousins (both dressed as. Elsa) get sticks caught in their dresses. My aunt: “oops look like they’re tangled up”. My dad: “they’re. Frozen not","Tangled”" +"You know what New York City said to London when it was his turn","Europe" +"Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced","The Lemon was very bitter" +"I never understood those signs that say “In. Case. Of. Fire,. Break. Glass”","How is broken glass supposed to put out a fire?" +"TIL you can't eat ice cream in the military","Apparently you get arrested for desserting." +"I lost a toe in an accident and now I hate pictures of my feet","Time for some Faux Toe Shopping" +"Why does the military insist on wearing a uniform","To minimise casual tees" +"Two satellites got married","the wedding wasn’t great, but the reception was incredible" +"To spell panda all you need is. P and","A" +"My dad pulled a great one while visiting the place. I was born. It was an apartment on Coolidge street . Dad: before your mom and. I moved in, it was just called","Idge street" +"My roommates and I have a lot of boardgames. I'm moving out temporarily, and am bringing some with me","But bringing the strategy game is not a Risk I'm willing to take" +"How many eyes does a cyclops have","None if you're spelling it correctly" +"What do you call a fish that sings","A tune-a fish" +"If you wanna dress up like an exotic bird this Halloween, don't let anyone tell you that you can't","Because Toucan" +"Dadjoked my mortician friend on the golf course. He was talking about the busyness of his funeral home compared to others around the area to which I retorted, 'Well man you know what they say about the funeral business, people are just dying to get in there","He didn't laugh" +"I hate Jokes about German sausages","They are the wurst" +"I heard that public toilets are biblical","As soon as you step inside, there's 1st, 2nd, and 3rd john right there." +"What does a clock do when it's hungry","It goes back four seconds" +"My Mom just got My Dad We were just casually sitting in the living room when this short interaction took place: Dad: What time would you like to have dinner. Mom: *pause* Dinnertime","Dad proceeded to roll his eyes" +"I just lost my virginity today in woodworking class. Probably the only time i will get nailed (through the leather soul and foot). P","S: i am alright, no infection" +"A slice of apple pie is $2. 50 in Jamaica and $3","00 in the Bahamas These are the pie rates of the Caribbean" +"My father trusted no one. Even had a great saying about it","But he wouldn’t tell me" +"A classic on fathers day Im sitting in my bedroom just surfing while my wife give my girls a shower in the master bathroom. So shower's over and Avery was whining that she was cold. After a long day of swimming, that whining turned into a temper tantrum. IM COLD. IM REALLY COLD. over and over. Calmly, I say, Ave , she sobs what , I say IM REALLY DADDY, ITS NICE TO MEET YOU BOOM. full blown screams and cries","Mission accomplished" +"What do you give a blonde that has everything","Antibiotics" +"What did the skier say to the therapist","My life is going downhill" +"My girlfriend kept asking So my girlfriend kept asking me about a ring","So I called her" +"This girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from Vegetarian Club","I was a bit confused, seeing how I'd never met herbivore" +"The word “verb” is a noun, but the word “noun” is not a verb Unless if it’s pro-noun-ced properly. I should also ad,verbs are actions while nouns are things","I think you get the ad-jective here" +"My Professor is a professional Dad So this joke needs a little context: I go to school at USC in South LA. We were turning in our homework assignments and people kept turning them in with the edges folded instead of stapled. My professor looks at us and says If you guys need staples, there is a staples center about a mile from here","We just stared back at him and then slowly all started to laugh" +"Why doesn’t Taylor Swift have to worry about vampires","Because she’s got BAD BLOOD" +"I picked up a dog from the blacksmith the other day. As soon as","I got him home he made a bolt for the door" +"Employees were discussing the new Razer laptop A: I mean solid state drives are so cheap right now B: Yeah it definitely shouldn't cost so much A: Yeah I mean I've seen a couple that are like 200 for the average 512GB during some sales. Me: Isn't an average solid state drive only 4-6. B: Wait what. A: Four to six what. Well hours. New York might be 8 north to south but Ohio can't top maybe 6 hours","After I was already laughing at my own joke, A finally got it and threatened to quit" +"What's it like being an Elevator repairman","It has it's ups and downs" +"Before each Elmo doll leaves the factory","it receives two test tickles" +"How did the pirate buy a hook so cheap","He bought it second hand" +"What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic","Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there's a dog" +"Why did the tick not go to prom. Because he didn't have a tick-ette","My brother has been a father for exactly two years and made it up today" +"How many “suh dudes” does it take to screw in a light bulb","Doesn’t matter, it’s already lit brah" +"What happened when the alligator passed the event horizon","Spagatorfication" +"I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw my bedsheets over it","I think I covered my tracks" +"Dadjoke overheard at the Museum of Natural History I was looking at the taxidermy wild animals and was standing in front of the case with a baby ocelot. A family with two young kids were also standing behind me and I hear the husband say, Ocelot. More like Oce-little","I found this absolutely hilarious, but his wife just rolls her eyes and shuffles the kids to the next exhibit" +"What did the skeleton order at the restaurant. Spare ribs","Courtesy of a giggling 4 y/o" +"Two hunters went out to hunt grizzly. As they drove up the mountain road, they saw a sign that said Bear Left","so they went home" +"Why did the bunny go to the psychiatrist","He was unhoppy" +"I named a blue and pink drink. I created, boy or girl . Whenever girls at the party asked for a boy or girl ,","I responded: Cool, give me about 9 months and 30 seconds" +"I didn't know a Lord of the Rings dad joke existed until this My family was watching Lord of the Rings a few weeks back. At one point in the movies, a character says, Muster the Roherim. Later on, I (the son) pointed out, The Roherim have been mustered","My dad instantly replies, Except the slow ones, they gotta ketchup" +"A. Limbo champion walks into a bar","He loses" +"[Nsfw] Glass coffins may be popular in the future","But remains to be seen" +"In the car yesterday, my dad told a really dumb pun. For the life of me, I couldn't remember it, so I asked him again this morning. Me: What was that really bad joke you told me in the car. Dad: It couldn't have been me Me: It was definitely you, Dad Dad: Nope","I know it wasn't me because I don't tell bad jokes Goddammit Dad" +"What do you call a group of Russians who haven’t seen each other in a long time","A Soviet Reunion" +"my daughter can't always see the humor in my jokes http://imgur. com/ksB8cST she had to replace her phone and lost all her contacts. she posted I need numbers. I lost all of my contacts. , so I replied can't you just wear your glasses","she wasn't as amused by my joke as I was" +"I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off","She said: How about walking through the room naked" +"Dad, why did mum marry you. Well son it's because im a shoemaker. Son:yeah, and","Well, obviously I was her solemate" +"First test of the school year. My cousin's kid got home from school: Cousin: So what happened in class today. Son: I got an A+ on a test. Cousin: That's great. What was the test on","Son: A piece of paper" +"While I was driving, her: Honey, you missed a right. Me: Thanks babe","You Mrs right" +"What's worse than ABCD","OBCD" +"“Just got back from the Caribbean with the wife” Friend: “Jamaica","” No, she came of her own accord" +"Knock knock. Who's there. Radio. Radio who","Radio not, here I come" +"Why are hookers such good cooks","Everything is 'ho' made" +"What's red and tastes like blue paint","Red paint" +"Coming home from apple picking this morning, my wife saw a sign from a Jewelry store that read, Watches 20% off. Wife, Wow, watches 20% off. That's not a bad deal","Me, Ehh, I'd rather they tell the correct time" +"Out dad-joked my dad. Walked into my parents house today to find that my father had replaced three ordinary light fixtures with ceiling fans. Me- dad you should really look at selling the house, it is more popular than ever. Dad- Why do you say that. Me- Because it has more fans than ever","Dad (after laughing more than I had ever heard him laugh) - I wish I thought of that" +"Almost got into a fight with a linguistics major","Dude was all talk." +"Tuck in my chin, pull my knees to my chest and lean forward","That's how I roll" +"What did one person say to another in the case of an earthquake","I don't think you understand the magnitude of the situation were in" +"I'm getting Lasik and I keep hearing that it might smell burnt cornea during the procedure, and my coworker says","it'll smell like pop-cornea" +"What do you call the apparition of a chicken","A poultry-geist" +"Driving to work was so easy today","That was some good Friday traffic" +"If money can't buy love","then why do dating sites charge" +"How many years old is the Amazon Rainforest. A Brazilian","Please be gentle" +"Where does captain hook get good deals on used prosthetics","At the second hand store" +"How many feet are in a yard","Depends on how many people are standing in it" +"An apple a day keeps the doctor away but so does a restraining order","I tried okay" +"What happens when you put Jar Jar Binks in a Mason jar and slightly open it","you get a Jar Jar in an Ajar Jar" +"I was walking through a quarry… I said to the foreman, “That sure is a big rock. ” “Boulder,” he corrected me","So I stuck out my chest and shouted, “THAT SURE IS A BIG ROCK" +"In hindsight","Everything looks like crap" +"That's very punny, Mr. President Curiosity Rover carries Obama's signature to Mars: http://i. imgur. com/afpXW8Z","jpg" +"What do you call a droid that takes the long way around","R2 detour" +"What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to a dinner party","The cold shoulder" +"What subject does a witch teach at school","Spelling" +"Told my dad I just finished watching Arrival and that he should watch it too","Dad responds: Was it better than The Departed" +"My Father-in-law just dropped this one at dinner last night. My wife: My friend broke her in ankle in 3 places. FIL: What places. She should stop going to those places","Everyone else groaned but I laughed and congratulated him" +"Santa is nearby","I can feel his presents" +"How does an Australian greet his toilet","Bidet mate" +"I’m sad but I need to get rid of the sunglasses that have been with me for years","I found then with a scratch and I just don’t think I can see past it" +"I have a bad habit of drinking while reading","Just the other day, I finished Tequila Mockingbird" +"Dadjoked an ice cream server today. Was at a local ice cream shop and ordered a small-sized scoop of the Birthday Cake flavor. When the server handed it to me she said, Here's a small birthday cake. to which I replied, But I didn't order a birthday cake, I ordered ice cream","Groans all around" +"My son came up to me and said, Dad, I have a serious matter to discuss. And I said to him, Which one","Solid, liquid, or gas" +"Driving through her town we pass a restaurant called Better Burger . GF: Oh. They have really good burgers","Me: Well, they better" +"Something happened to me a while ago and someone told me to go here to post it","It" +"Why are there no casinos in africa","Because of all the cheetahs" +"Son, in your age Napoleon was first in class","Son: In your age he was an emperor" +"Did you hear about the Department of Agriculture outlawing circular bales of hay in Wisconsin","They claim the cows weren't getting a square meal" +"How I learned my business law professor is a dad on the last day of class In my business law class we were discussing [this court case](https://scholar. google. com/scholar_case. case=7725315621148130385&q=schmidt+v+courtney&hl=en&as_sdt=6,41). In the case, a woman named Courtney was hitting off the tee box at a country club and sliced the shot off the course. The ball hit a guy who was working on a nearby roof, and gave him permanent brain damage. Our professor then asked us who we thought was responsible for the damages: the golf course, the course designer, or the woman. A student in the back asks Well what if Courtney was drunk while she was playing to which our professor responded Well then we would just have a classic case of drinking. and driving","I'm still not sure which was louder, my friend and I bursting out laughing or the collective groan that filled the room" +"My dog is really good at playing fetch. I think","I’m going to promote him to branch manager" +"What's the difference between curing bird flu and swine flu","One requires tweetment, the other requires oinkment" +"I recommend that you all use herb concentrates from now on","Thyme is of the essence after all" +"I can't stand people who waste paper","They're just so tearable" +"What do you call birds that stick together","Velcrows" +"I recently switched all the labels on my wife's spice rack","She hasn't figured it out yet, but the thyme is cumin" +"A father asks his son if he can tell him a joke. “Sure” The son says. “Pussy” the Father uttered. “w-what. I don’t get it","” The son remarks “I know” The Dad replies" +"The sous chef put a note in my eggs","He said I thought you wanted an omletter" +"The indian buffet was out of bread. I told my fiancé, there was naan left","Her disgust only fueled my laughter" +"Saw this at my dad's office. http://i. imgur. com/V4u1tsU","jpg It's a wonder they get any work done" +"How does a circus musician break their fall","Clari-nets" +"I asked a Chinese Girl for her number. I asked a Chinese Girl for her number. She said, Sex. Sex. Sex. Free sex tonight. I said, Wow","Then her friend said, She means 666-3629" +"What do you call an asian premature baby","Sudden Lee" +"Why is that cow out there so special","Because he is outstanding in his field" +"First Dad Joke my wife ever laughed at. I made this up shortly after my daughter was born: Why was is so hard to put baby Superman down to sleep. Cause he didn't want to be in his crib tonight","(read it out loud and cringe)" +"Youtube, Twitter, and Facebook are conglomerating","They're gonna call their new company YouTwitFace" +"How come Father's Day is once a year","but Son day happens once a week" +"There will always be a high tide and a low tide","And that is a shore thing" +"What's the point of a spear","It's that part at the tip of the shaft" +"Oops","I just broke two of my dad's old Queen records Now I want break three" +"in my economics course http://imgur","com/u7ukdi6" +"The other day i stole some cooking utensils from work","I almost got caught but it was a whisk I was willing to take" +"Why did the bicycle fall over","Because it's too tired" +"How do you repair a broken jack-o-lantern","with a pumpkin patch" +"My dad asked me for a glass of milk. Being a good son, I quickly obliged him and returned from the kitchen with tall, cold glass. Aspiring to reach his level of dad joke mastery, when he thanked me, I replied, Nothing but the dairy best for you, dad. Without missing a beat he looked me dead in the eye and replied, Don't do dairy puns. They're cheesy","God damn it" +"My dad went shopping for steaks today. When he approached the deli counter, he asked if they had any flank steak","He told them they didn't and just had to shoot out a Flanks a lot" +"Setting the bar high at our first antenatal class First antenatal class and we're going round the group with the other expectant first time parents. **Wife:** It'll really hit home when we've got the baby in the car on the way back from the hospital **Me:** Don't worry, I'll be driving carefully, I certainly won't crash into our own house","I'm ready for this baby to arrive" +"A coworker asked me why I take fiber gummies. I couldn't help myself","Cuz it helps me get my shit together" +"What did the strawberry say when its song came on","That's my jam" +"Thomas the tank engine is rarely late","He is well trained" +"My inspirational friend bought me a house for my birthday","He told me to live in the present" +"Why does Tigger have no friends","Because he plays with poo" +"My girlfriend said. I had a taco problem","I asked if she wanted to tacobout it." +"Before we were married, my wife used to clean up my place, and i used to clean hers","Eventually we realized that we were maid for each other" +"Totally worth it (found on /r/cyanideandhappiness) http://explosm","net/comics/4436/" +"Why do bakers avoid marrying each other","Because they get too in-bread" +"When I was a preteen I went through a catty drama queen phase as most young girls do. Every time my dad said something to me I didn't particularity appreciate and I shot back a snotty So. he would come back at me with No, but I knit a little","I am ashamed to say it took me years to get it" +"What do you get when a cheese factory explodes","De-brie" +"My Dad: If you're French when you're outside and Dutch in the hallway, what are you when you're in the bathroom","European" +"They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secret of invisibility","If only they could see me now" +"Two fish in a tank Fish 1:Uh, Greg. Fish 2:What","Fish 1:How do we drive this thing" +"GF's been feeling friskier now that her period's ending. My GF and I have both been tired every night since we just finished moving our house. She was also on her period, so our frisky time has been cut down. She asked me last night to feel free to be more promiscuous with her, now that her period is ending. Today we were putting a new TV stand together. She held the TV as a I maneuvered the screwdriver. I stopped and told her Hey, you got your wish, we're screwing on the bed","I will not be screwing on the bed tonight after that" +"Dad, I've been adulting a lot lately","Oh my gosh, you're not kidding" +"just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,","ImPeck-able" +"Why didn't anyone laugh at the poor cloud's joke","It was a cirrus joke" +"What do you call a guy with a rubber toe","Roberto" +"Solar. Eclipse is coming. And as much as","I'd love to make a joke about it, it's a pretty shady subject." +"There are 10 kinds of people","Those who understand binary, those who don't and those who didn't expect this joke to be in base three." +"My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression. ” I said, “Go on, then. ” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE. ” I laughed, “That’s Superman","” He said, “Thanks dad, I’ve been practicing a lot" +"My friend invented a giant diaper","I didn't believe him when he said he was going to change the world" +"[Meta] The State of the Dadjoke Subreddit Back when this board was created, it seemed almost all posts were about submitters being pranked by their dads. Indeed, the very rules suggests that the submission should preferably contain a joke that was said by your actual father. But nowadays it seems that the majority of posts are instead I just dadjoked my X . What happened","Did everyone become dads" +"Dad makes really politically incorrect jokes. Dad: Did you guys see anything on the Malaysian flight","Family: No Dad: Yea no one has, they're still missing" +"I was socializing with a new coworker, when she said: “you strike me as a dad","” I said: “Hold on there, I wouldn’t hit you whether I had kids or not" +"Two chemists walk into a bar The first one said, I'll have a glass of H2O The second one says, I want a H2O, too","The second chemist dies" +"Never be indecisive about drinking rum with a pirate","He’ll give you an ‘R’ before your ‘um’" +"What do you call a fish that is in prison","Selfish" +"My sister just had twins, a boy and a girl, and she let me name them. The girl's name is Denise","The boy's name is Denephew" +"So my mom asked my dad to install new vinyl flooring https://i. redd. it/thuozusv5ey01","jpg" +"To be frank","Id have to change my name" +"What does the secret service say if the president is under attack","Donald, duck" +"My most recent dad joke experience Dad's birthday, displays the new shirt he has just gotten. Me, It really brings out your eyes. Dad, Well that's a shame, I liked em where I had em","*whole room groans" +"Towels can’t tell jokes","They have a dry sense of humor" +"I had to use tortillas while making an Indian recipe, but nobody seemed to notice","It seems my guests were naan the wiser" +"Why can't Edward leave Russia","because he's snowed in" +"What is it called when a cow steps on a landmine","Udder destruction" +"We came back from the ultrasound, and my mother in law said, “Did you get to see the fetus","” I said, “Fetus, Hand-us, Leg-us, There’s practically a whole baby in there" +"My dad told me this today Dad:Did you hear about the kidnapping at your school","Me: no Dad: don't worry, he got up" +"I thought I spotted a leopard once","But it turns out they’re born like that" +"Dang it, Dad My mom and I were discussing pickleball. I asked her if she had played when she was younger, and she said that it wasn't around when she was younger","Then dad chimes in with that's because it was still cucumber ball back then" +"So I went to an electrical store that sells Vacuum cleaners. I asked the man working there Out of all the Vacuum cleaners here, which one is the best","The man responded They all suck" +"Have you heard the new baseball song","You should listen to it, it's pretty catchy" +"Grandad jokes Driving with my grandfather as a kid Grandfather: What do you call a buck that's missing both of it's eyes. Me: I'm not sure grandpa Grandfather: would you say that you've got No Eyed Deer what the answer could be","Me: Boooo" +"Why does a goat and a rhino wants to have sex","Because they are both very horny animals" +"what's brown and sticky","A stick" +"What do you call a depressed king","Sigher" +"A man orders an egg sandwich. The waiter brings it to him, and the man looks at it suspiciously. He asks for the chef to come see him. The chef walks up and says Is there a problem. The man replies back I'm sorry, but this egg looks retarded. So the chef says","Well, it's in bread" +"What did the cannibal do after he ate his girlfriend","He dumped her" +"Did you know dogs can’t perform an MRI","But cat scan" +"I had a game of quiet tennis today","It’s just like regular tennis but without the racket" +"Mrs","Claus kicked out Santa and now he doesn't have a place to live So that makes him a ho ho hobo" +"I can't find the control for my TV","It must be in a remote location" +"I was going to make a witty analogy about how life is like a piece of paper","But I realized that would just be an A4-ism" +"My sexual fantasies have slowly been getting more perverse","It wasn't until i spanked a statue that i realised i had hit rock bottom" +"My dad just looked up from the tv and said this. What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle. Attire","He then chuckled and went back to watching the news" +"The lunch meat in my sandwich was made from cow shins","It was below knee" +"Dad just walked in, asked me this, and then left","What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question" +"While driving down the highway with my dad. we spotted an old restaurant that had PATIO written on the front. Someone had defaced it by stealing the first letter. Me: Look, Dad, that restaurant has an 'atio","Dad: Looks like someone really had to take a P" +"How does the The Rock pee","He Dwayne’s his Johnson" +"If you miss 420, dont worry","Just wait till 422 cause its 420 too" +"Is actually a nan joke Nan- watched a great movie today Me- oh yeah, what's it about","Nan- about an hour and a half" +"My wife wants me to see a hypnotist but","I'm a chicken" +"What do you call the moment you want to do your psychotherapy by yourself, but it's too late","Autopsy" +"Guess who I saw today","Everyone I looked at" +"Mountains make me laugh","They're hill-areas." +"Schrodinger gets pulled over by the police for speeding. The officer says, What's in the trunk. Schrodinger says, A cat. The officer says, Well, I need to see. So the officer opens the trunk, and says, This cat is dead","Schrodinger says, Well, now it is" +"Asked the Optometrist if I could use the restroom She said 1. or 2","I told her that was none of her business" +"The man who invented. Velcro has died","Rip" +"The cops are looking for Henry Winkler","They think he is guilty of a Fonzie scheme" +"dad joked the waitress After our meal, we had left overs. her - You wanna box","me - no, but i would wrestle you" +"Do Cannibals eat ramen","Or do they cook them first" +"My dad is the sharpest on his 57th birthday. How did the soups come out. -Waitree One of the waitresses brought them out","-Dad" +"What do you call a fish that does crimes","Gillty" +"Hey Dad, do you want to go to the beach this week","“Shore”" +"The pH in my wife’s aquarium is too high","bunch of basic fishes" +"A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says Hey, did you know we have a drink that is named after you. The grasshopper looks at him, puzzled","Then says You make a drink named Steve" +"Sam didn’t want to sing but","Samsung" +"I'm trying to build a set of stairs","Do they come with step-by-step instructions" +"I wanted to find a really great joke to tell the world. but [this](https://www. reddit","com/r/dadjokes/comments/d66psw/it_all/) repost of a popular joke says it all" +"How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes","They both create loose stools" +"When is a door not a door","When it's ajar" +"What kind of nut doesn't have a shell","Donuts" +"What do you call a river that thinks it's not a river","Denial" +"My 9 yr old daughter wanted to go to the mall and she said Daady, put the mall in your phone . My husband says the mall won't","FIT in my phone *silence*" +"What do cats like to eat for breakfast","Mice Krispies" +"I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf","It's information that's way over my head" +"Iron man,. More like","Fe-male." +"Where do belly buttons go to college","The Navel Academy" +"You will spell NOTHING. One of my 6yo son's spelling words this week is nothing . Me: Ok Buddy, spell nothing. Buddy: N. Me: What are you doing. I said spell nothing. Buddy: I am. Me: Don't you listen. I said spell nothing","Buddy: Daaaaaaad" +"A vegan kept telling me selling meat is gross","I said selling fruit and vegetables is grocer" +"Mom got me with this one. What's the difference between your dad and the couch","The couch pulls out" +"Whats the difference between snowman and snowladies","Snowballs" +"[NSFW] What do you get if you mix human dna and whale dna","Kicked out of SeaWorld" +"Why did the guy at the Pepsi recycling plant quit his job","The job was soda pressing" +"I was reading posts off this sub to my dad, and he sarcastically said, do you know what's better than reading reddit. having it read to you. I replied, well, this way you don't have to have read-it","(this genuinely happened about a minute ago, he actually left the house)" +"Choir teacher Dad-Joked my friend and me. My friend and I are working on the male duet Au Fond Du Temple Saint . Earlier today, we showed up to our vocal lesson. As we walk in, I notice a stupid grin appear on our teacher's face. Are you ready to start. he asked us. We both nodded. Great","he replied, still grinning, Then lets du-et" +"A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter","How dairy" +"If my parents ever change genders, I want them to let me know","I just want them to be transparent with me" +"Thank God, women exists","Because a world without women would literally be a pain in the ass" +"Thor doesn't get drunk","He gets hammered" +"Did you hear about the deaf girl having sex","She caught hearing aids" +"Did you pick your nose","I was going to say, you could've picked a better one" +"I dated a python for a little while but I had to leave her","I just felt too constricted" +"Do you know what Katy Perry's cat's name is","Kitty Perry" +"Well, I just bought a bottle of Drano to unclog my bathtub Here goes $7","00 down the drain" +"Cashier at Publix asked if we wanted the milk in a bag. I told her to please leave it in the jug","My wife eye-rolled SO hard and then apologized to the cashier :D The cashier was laughing though, so I'll take the win" +"Why is England the wettest country","Because the Queen has rained there for years" +"When I used to be a wrestler, I would get a guy in a head lock and write my name on their forehead","It was my signature move" +"Why did the football team go to the bank","To get their quarter back" +"I'm that neighbor. I've had my","Christmas lights up all year." +"Did you hear about the new sitcom reboot with an all Hispanic cast","The Juander Years" +"I got fired from my job at the clock factory today","I guess it was for all the extra hours I put in" +"Guy walks into psychiatrist office wearing nothing but plastic wrap","Doctor takes one look at him, and says Clearly I see you're nuts" +"I was an uber driver for a bunch of pro wrestlers, they were so tired after their show they all just stacked on top of each other in my backseat. I guess","I was the pile driver" +"So. I texted my crush and asked her, “Are you an ancient artifact,” “Because","I want to date you.”" +"What items would you include in an amputation themed gift basket. I know this isn't strictly a Dad joke, but I feel it is in the spirit of the thing. My dad is getting is getting his leg amputated in January. Essentially he has no cartilage in his ankle, and it causes him severe pain all the time. He has an amazing sense of humor, so I wanted to get him a gift basket of foot-based things","So far I have: -fruit by the foot -Happy Feet -Footloose -an Ihop gift card -pack of tube socks (since now he gets 2 for 1) -Bologna (because his amputation is below knee) -a card saying congrats on the weight loss -all put inside of a stocking What other foot based pun items would you include in the gift basket" +"My mom got mad at me for making a PG dadjoke My mom was watching this show called Parenthood. It's about a family from grandparents to grandchildren. In one scene in Season 3 there's a scene where the grandpa lands a role in a commercial, and the entire family laughs when he tells them it's an erectile dysfunction commercial. One of the grandkids, not knowing what ED is, asks What's 'ereptile' dysfunction. So naturally I turn to my mom and say It's when your snake doesn't work","My mom got mad for some reason" +"I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf","but I don't want to jump to conclusions" +"I got my dad a new tool that helps him remove things he has clamped onto his work bench","He said he’d never heard of such a de-vice" +"My dad and once stayed at an awful hotel called the fiddle","It was a vile inn" +"What type of bees produce milk","Boo-bies" +"Me: I'm terrified of the Backstreet Boys Therapist: Tell me why","Me: *screams*" +"My wife and I started fighting each other whilst wearing boxing gloves and 'Eye of the Tiger' playing in the background","We are going through a Rocky patch" +"Why did SpaceX open a gym","So people could get Musk-ular" +"Someone told me that there is a name for a measurement from the earth to the sun","That's pretty large I said It must be one astronomical unit" +"I'm starting a club for dyslexic people","Dyslexics untie!" +"Why do keyboard never sleep","Because they have two Shifts" +"Girlfriend has joined our side My girlfriend is in New York, and there's an elevator attendant there, when she walked in, she asked how his day had been going","He said good, to which she responds, has it had its ups and downs" +"What do you call a bird with trapped wind","A canairy" +"Remember dads to be prepared for tomorrow","It’s a fourth to be reckoned with" +"I got in touch with my inner self today. Thats the last time","I'm using one ply toiletpaper" +"A man went to the doctor because he kept angrily grunting out A , E , I , O , and U","Turns out he had Irritable Vowel Syndrome" +"How heavy is the chinese elephant","Wonton" +"Do you know what always catches my eye","Short people with umbrellas" +"What do cows like to read","Cattle-logs" +"I wake up in the morning, then proceed to lay down on the couch Dad: At least you didn't go to the refrigerator to get a hotdog","Then you would have gone from bed to wurst" +"I went into Ann Summers and asked the girl if the underwear was satin","She said no, they're new" +"Know why ya never stand behind a cow","The dairy air" +"What’s Harry Potters favourite way of getting down a hill. Walking","JK Rolling" +"Got dadjoked by a randomer earlier. Taking my dog for a walk, an old bloke, mid 70's in a flat cap was going past, with a wheelbarrow with some large wooden pallet board-y looking things in, as he went past me he said I'm going to a board meeting","Burst out in laughter." +"Whats orange and sounds like parrot","Carrot" +"What did Pestilence bring to the pot luck","Ebola fruit" +"What do you call a woman that sets fire to her gas bill","Bernadette" +"When birds fly in the V formation, why is one side of the V longer than the other","There’s more birds on one side" +"What is red and smells like blue paint","Red paint" +"What's Forrest Gumps favorite type of pasta","Penne" +"My cat hates touch screens","Prefers a mouse" +"IamA 40 year old woodcutter from. Canada","Axe me anything." +"A pirate crew is stuck on an island","Long time no sea" +"We should get dry erase markers","They're re-markable" +"Havarti Cheese Sister asks if i've tried the new havarti cheese she bought. I chuckle and reply I havarti tried it","Sister tells me to go kill myself" +"I called my wife and said that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way home from work. But I was met with a stony silence","I think she still regrets letting me name the kids" +"The lord giveth, and the lord taketh","However the lord altho hath a lithp." +"My grandmother with dementia said this completely seriously and I died laughing. So I'm poring my grandma a bowl of cereal, I spilt some on the floor, when I moved to pick it up I stepped on a bunch of it","My grandma looks me straight in the eyes and says look now you're a cereal killer I started dieing laughing, she didn't get it" +"I am going to start Web site that is dedicated to revealing secret recipes that contain vegetables that are in the same family as onion and garlic and are especially good with potatoes. It will be called wikileeks","com" +"My brother's just fallen through the roof of a. French bakery","He's in a world of pain." +"Saw this beauty in /r/me_irl http://i. imgur. com/iygUkFZ","jpg" +"Everytime we go to this one restaurant. Waiter: What do you want to eat. Dad: I want the Jimmy. Waiter: The what. Dad: The Jimmy Buffet","*Everyone in earshot groans" +"My son asked me if. I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator. I told him of course not -","I ate them in the living room" +"Why was the chiropractor fired","He was addicted to crack" +"Don’t run with bagpipes. You could poke an eye","Or, worse yet, get kilt" +"Dad jokes","But usually he's pretty serious" +"What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married","Feyoncé" +"If scientists made an exact duplicate of Elsa","would it be an Ice Queen Clone" +"You don't understand cloning. Don't worry","That makes two of us" +"Everyone knows that Superman’s Dad is Jor-El, but his germophobic uncle is relatively unknown","Pur-El" +"What is the water in a can of peas called","Pea Pee Told this to my daughter while we were cooking dinner" +"A man walks into a bar","He said ouch" +"Vasectomy (Slightly NSFW. ) I was discussing the vasectomy process with a coworker, and at one point stated that a vasectomy is generally preferred and considered safer than a tubal ligation for a female. CW: Why is it considered safer. What's so different with the woman. ME: Well, there's not a vas deferens. [He gave me this look,](http://i. imgur. com/2ONy767","jpg) but I was so proud I had to share" +"I’m reading a horror story in. Braille. Something bad is gonna happen,","I can feel it" +"Where do bees go when they're sick","The waspital" +"Man, I really love my furniture","Me and my recliner go way back" +"I've used to be lousy at getting my crock-pot off the stove","But I've got a handle on it now" +"I hate google maps sometimes It says take the right lane to turn right to",", but it doesn't tell me which lane is the right one and which lane is the wrong one" +"Whiteboards aren't just great","They're remarkable" +"Your Dad is in a prison and he's got a stutter. What problems is that going to cause","He's never gonna finish his sentence" +"Grocery shopping with my parents when my mom asks, Why do these cantaloupes have X's drawn on them","And my dad, without missing a beat, says, Because they're going to X-plode" +"Rick. Astley will let you borrow most of his pixar movies,","But he's never gonna give you up." +"My friend was telling me cat jokes","I told him I just wasn't feline it" +"Never challenge. Death to a pillow fight","Unless you're prepared to handle the reaper cushions." +"My dad ran this one by me. http://m. imgur","com/S8zEIYZ" +"I tried to catch some fog earlier","I mist" +"Why did the mountaineer bring a zippo instead of matches","Because it was a little lighter" +"My mime friend's best performance is when he acts like a piece of paper","He remains stationary" +"I know someone who mailed toilet paper to people in need. They thought he was pretty","Charmin." +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school","Oh nevermind, he woke up" +"What animal always has mucus in their throat","Phlegmingos" +"A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips","The barman replies “sorry mate we only do plain" +"What is a clown fish's favorite artist","Eminemone Edit: typo" +"Got dad-joked by my Nanny. I sneezed. My boyfriend: Gesundheit. Nanny: Not anymore. Me: Wha-","Nanny: Goes in loose now" +"Why did no one want to box with the pirate. He had a fantastic hook. Bonus dad. Why did no one want to box with the farmer. He had a great haymaker. Bonus bonus dad. Why did no one want to box with the priest","Because he was a really nice guy and wouldn't fight back" +"Got some new gloves for christmas","They fit like a glove." +"I've said it before, and I'll say it again","It" +"What do you call a sleepwalking nun","A Roaming Catholic" +"I met an artist in an alleyway","It was sketchy" +"I knew. I shouldn’t have rubbed ketchup into my eyes. But that’s","Heinz sight for you" +"You ever here the one about the sheep. Gf: No how does it go","Me: I dunno ewe tell me" +"As I put my car into reverse I thought to myself…","“Ah, this takes me back" +"What does Keanu Reeves use to dry his tears when Keanu Grieves","Keanu Sleeves" +"What does a 737-800 sound like when it bounces during touch down","“Boeing, Boeing, Boeing”" +"I meant to buy bananas at the store today","But they totally slipped my mind" +"Bullets only do their jobs","Once they're fired" +"A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. **she**: What are you doing. **he**: Hunting Flies **she**: Oh. Killing any. **he**: Yep, 3 males, 2 Females, **she** (*Intrigued)* : How can you tell them apart","**he**: 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone" +"What do you call a railroad apprentice","A trainee" +"I want to help people spell diarrhea correctly","Prevent irregular vowel movement" +"What do you call an acid that's being a bully","Amino acid" +"I bought a new muzzle for my pet duck","It's nothing fancy but it fits the bill" +"I was washing my dishes and my wife asked if I could wash some extras that she put there","I'm avoiding it by fleeing to a non-extradish'n country" +"My daughter asked me to make an anagram of old tunic","I couldn't" +"Dadjoked my dad today while watching TV. Dad: Now, that is a pretty woman. Me: But, Dad, she's cross-eyed. Dad: Oh, well, I can look past that. Me: I'm sure she does too. He groaned, laughed and changed channels","Great success" +"Walks like a duck, talks like a duck…. My 6yr old: Ducks don't talk,","Dad Yes, they do and they're funny - they quack me up" +"Someone left a little P on my toilet at work [Little P](http://imgur","com/oHE7Srh)" +"A grasshopper walks into a bar A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, Hey, we have a drink named after you","The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, You have a drink named Steve" +"My uncles time to shine. (To my cousin) Me: Who are you dating now. Cousin: Alexis Uncle: I told him not to date a car, They're too high maintenance","(Groans, etc" +"Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory","So many soles were lost that day" +"Did you hear about the F1 driver who seized the day","He ended up on the carpo dium" +"My roomate and i did this game where we cleaned up another ones room everyday","We were maid for each other" +"What crime do trees commit","Treeson" +"An Arabian woman got punished for smoking weed","She was stoned" +"What do dentists call their X-rays. Toothpics.","I'll show myself out" +"Did you know Karl Marx was teased by his classmates in school","Thy teased him because he couldn’t capitalize" +"My teenage daughter is about to jump into a lake She's standing on the dock and asks Where is the bottom","I replied, Somewhere under the surface" +"My parents are headed to a maritime museum https://imgur","com/a/6PDSUiT" +"Guess who I saw today","Everyone I looked at" +"The best name. The Denver Zoo just announced one of the sloths would be having a baby soon. I told my kids that there is only one best name for a sloth","Cole" +"I was at a bar with my new girlfriend. I picked up the fork and said wanna fork","She then picked up a napkin and said it's napkina happen" +"I tried to find some dirt on. Louis. CK","Turns out he's a stand up guy." +"I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but","I was tripping all day" +"My chemistry teacher dropped this one, figured it belongs here. We were just going over some exam questions, when he said this: Yes, I could've made the test easier. You would've gotten questions like: What is the symbol for Nobelium. A. Yes B","No" +"I tell dad jokes all the time","He doesn’t usually laugh." +"Every 30 seconds, a woman has a baby. we have to find this woman & stop her","(joke courtesy of my dad)" +"Yesterday a clown held a door open for me","I thought it was a nice jester" +"What has nine arms and rocks","Def Leppard" +"Got my kid while cooking Thanksgiving dinner She asked why I was microwaving the sweet potatoes instead of putting them in the oven and I told her that the turkey was in there, and I still needed to use the oven for the dressing, the veggies, and then the pie. Wow, there's a long waiting list for the oven. she exclaimed","I replied, Yep, guess you could say it's the hot place to be tonight" +"Currently sitting next to my GF while she studies for a test on computers. Her- Hey what's clock speed again","Me- ticks about once every second, I believe I'm still laughing" +"What do you call someone with two butts and kills people. an assassin",":)" +"This is the most NSFW post out there","Being late and missing your deadline" +"What do you call 2 lawyers in a room","A paralegals" +"My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies","It was sodium disgusting" +"I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building","Hope it’s not terminal" +"Moving brownies. My house mate was carrying a bowl of custard with some brownies in it through the kitchen,. I turned to him and said hmm looks like","Brownian motion ." +"Don't tell anyone this This is Top Secret","This is Bottom Secret (Don't tell anyone this either)" +"Texted dad to let him know that I picked up the pipe elbow needed for the pool. Me: I think I have your elbow","Dad: I thought I felt someone grab me" +"What do you call a lawyer who only works for certain monkeys","Pro bonobo &#x200B; I'll see myself out" +"Why did the sheep get booed at the comedy club","Because he told a baaaad joke" +"My delirious boyfriend. My boyfriend is sick and today we were standing in line behind a woman wearing Ugg boots. Dad joke is as follows: Boyfriend: I feel like those boots. Me: Why","Boyfriend: Ugg" +"Got my mom with some alchohol related jokes. Her boyfriend went to the store to get cooking wine for dinner, and he was running late, so I said- Don't wine about it Mom-rolls eyes Me-He'll beer eventually Mom-","Me- Alchohol him on the phone if you want Mom-Seriously" +"I was at the airport and. I saw a post with every timezone on it","I thought to myself It's a sign of the times" +"I saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader","The look on his face was priceless" +"I bought shoes from a drug dealer once","I don’t know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day" +"When does Sean Connery play tennis","Ten-ish" +"Do you have the checkbook. Yes, I have the checkbook","Thank you for checking" +"I was at KFC but I didn't know what to order","I guess I'll just wing it" +"Did you hear about the fire at the circus","The heat was in tents" +"My neice dad joked ne So my 6 year old neice just got me with this. Neice: Uncle lidsville76, would you know me if I sat next to you. Me: Of course. Neice: Would you know me if I was across the room. Me: Yes I would. Neice: Knock knock. Me: Who's there","Neice: I thought you knew me" +"Practical jokes for the car These are some of the practical jokes my dad would do while driving to entertain us: 1) Driving slow next to a jogger, turning down the window and asking You seem to be in a hurry. Need a lift. I would usually hide under a seat in shame. 2) On a hot day in a car without AC, he'd use the standard question Hot enough for everyone. which just gave him groans and a loud yes . - Well, in this case I can turn down the thermostat again . (Of course, he'd just been turning it up right before his question without anyone noticing) 3) Instead of driving right in a roundabout and taking the third exit, he'd drive left and take the first to save gas , creeping the shit out of everyone. This was out on the countryside with no cars anywhere to be seen","Any other stories you guys have" +"A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog, bends down as if to pet it, then picks it up by the tail and begins spinning it over his head. It created quite the ruckus, so an employee ran over and asked the man if he needed help","No thanks, just looking around" +"My 2 year old is playing with Lego and I said are you going to be an engineer. my wife says we always need more engineers","I said yeah, engines are quite deaf" +"I'm gonna have a catering company that specializes in small plates & call it Pemdas","Y'know, since it'll be hors d'oeuvre operations" +"Why did the blind lady fall into the well","Because she couldn't see that well" +"The universe aligned and offered this Fine shot. Sorry for the image. It is necessary. http://imgur","com/t0kfUdj" +"I thought about making jokes about a dwarf but","I decided to just be the bigger man" +"Where do they take heavily wounded pirates","The E Yarrr" +"I saw a soccer game today. It was pretty good","I got a kick out of it" +"I heard r/dadjokes really liked puns, so","I posted 10 thinking at least one would make the front page 10" +"My dad with the old 1-2. Dad: Wow its cold as hell, wait nevermind hell isn't cold. Me: Oh yea. How would you know (but I pronounced it 'How would Jew know') Dad: What does Alaska have to do with this. (Jew know = Juneau Alaska) Me: Dad can you not. Dad: Maybe if you give me a rope or some string maybe","Edit: A word" +"I don't get why. Marvel didn't put advertisements on the. Hulk","He's essentially a giant banner" +"Why don't blind people go skydiving","It scares the dog" +"I went to Timbuktu last week","it wasn't as good as Timbuk-one but sequels are usually a letdown" +"I messaged my grand dad a picture of a dog underwater wearing a scuba suit. I told him I thought he might need a subwoofer. He then responded, That's deep","How do I respond so I don't lose this battle" +"When Spider-Man’s twin children are learning to drive","They’re parallel Parkers" +"How do you know if an ant is male is or female","If it sinks it's a female if it doesn't it's buoyant" +"Would you like soup or salad. No thanks i will just take a regular salad","Super salad sounds like too much to start out with" +"Did you hear what happened at the world's shortest game of tag","It was touch and go for a second" +"Dadjoked my Girlfriend (kinda nsfw). So I was texting my girlfriend and I made some sexual comment, and the conversation proceeded as such: Her: ;) Me: That is the perfect smiley for you and I. Her: Why",";) Me: Because I provide the semi and you provide the colon ;) ;)" +"What did the drummer name his twin daughters","Anna one, Anna two" +"Out to dinner with my wife and son when. My son was matching the state pictures with their names on the kids menu and says: Idaho Me Udaho","Him No, Idaho My wife catches the conversation and bursts out laughing and our son spends the next five minutes going What's so funny" +"Wanna hear a dirty joke. A white horse fell in the mud. I always hated this joke","Figured I'd let it torment you too" +"Why wasn't the aeroplane invented in China","Because two Wongs don't make a Wright" +"My Grandfather's Quarter Pounder Here is an image of my [Grandfather's QuarterPounder](http://i. imgur. com/IOpSvEy. jpg). He made it probably 20 years ago - the quarter is from 1994. Grandpa said that he saw something that looked like [this](http://imgur","com/KLZXqcv) in a novelty shop somewhere and decided to improve the design a bit" +"Girlfriend Not Feeling So Well This morning the GF has been up going back and forth to the bathroom. She said she felt like she might possibly have a UTI. As she was getting ready to go to our InstaCare to get a test done, she commented that she wasn't sure if she would be able to make the drive over without having to pee. To which I responded, wow. This is really rough. And to think, this is only the peeginning. She rolled her eyes and told me that one was a real stretch. Which I immediately followed up with, Yeah it was. There will be more jokes to come","I'd say urine for a real treat" +"Did you hear about the actor that fell through the floor boards","Don't worry, he was just going through a stage" +"I was walking home last night and decided to take a short cut through the cemetery. 3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them I understand. I used to get freaked out too when I was alive","Never seen anyone run so fast" +"People are saying that my motive is crazy. But","I just call it a locomotive" +"Mike Tyson was thinking the other day. He yelled out, “Thomeone help me","I can’t thwim" +"I'm selling my vacuum cleaner","its just been gathering dust the past few months" +"Why do gymnasts never season their food in the winter","Because they only like summer salts" +"I told my son that I better have Indian bread for dinner","Its naan-negotiable" +"I told my Dad that I accidentally burnt a tea-towel while cooking His response: Why. Was it an act of protest. Me: What. Him: Were you protesting against a Tea-Towelitarian government","I've never been prouder to be his son" +"I used to have a problem with grammatical tenses","But not yet." +"What substance do they make disco floors out of","Getdowntonite" +"My dad jokes are now on a molecular level. Pulled [this](http://i. imgur. com/VWbykgn","png) bad boy out today" +"How did the Amish know they didn't prepare their butter right","It left their stomach churning" +"Today a lady at the gas station said she recognized me from vegetarian club. But…. I’m sure","I’ve never met herbivore" +"What makes a dad joke a dad joke. Isn’t it apparent","Heard this one yesterday" +"If you stay in the area where the longest Afican river flows into the Mediterranean, you will go crazy","Sea Nile" +"Son: Dad why are you taking a ruler with you to bed","Dad: To see how long I sleep" +"My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass","I guess she doesn’t like windows" +"My dad legit says this everytime we eat a salad","Lettuce eat lettuce" +"Why couldn’t president Trump hang himself","It was fake noose" +"I broke up with my girlfriend recently. Her name was Simile","I don't know what I metaphor" +"Do you know what often gets overlooked","Fences" +"My girlfriend was running pretty late this morning So much so that she told me she had to go put on make-up while using the restroom. I told her it sounds like she's pulling double-doodie in there. Happy Valentine's Day everyone","💑" +"Did you guys hear about the blind carpenter","He picked up a hammer and saw" +"My dad started walking five miles a day when he was 60","Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the heck he is" +"Did you hear about the blind circumciser","He missed and got the sack" +"How do you fit a grizzly 5 feet wide into a door 4 feet wide. just bear-ly","r/funny told me this belongs here" +"My 2yr old daughter got me good. She loves when I spin her around by the arms so I do it quite often because she gets a real kick out of it. After one epic swing I put her down and stumble around the room saying I'm dizzy, I'm dizzy","she shouts back at me you're not dizzy, you're dad" +"How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb","A Brazilian" +"My boyfriend got me good today. Me: I got a splinter Him: Are you gonna die. Me: Yes. This is the end. Goodbye cruel world","Him: Who knew this wood be the way you wood go" +"Where do bees go to the restroom","At the BP station" +"My dad always pulls this one on me Me: Hey dad. I checked and I’ve lost 5 pounds since last month","My dad: I found them" +"Why can't two elephants go swimming","Because they only have one pair of trunks" +"Who can't run for president","People in wheelchairs" +"Dad joked my friends while hanging out with some friends, one of them jokingly told me to leave, and another than said to him you can't talk to mech like that, he has rights. to which I added and lefts. As I held up my left hand","everyone proceeded to tell me to leave" +"What did Mr. T say to the vegetarian","I pity tofu" +"Today we bought a new Nissan NV3500 today. The salesperson handed me the keys and said Now all your neighbors are going to be jealous","I looked at him and said We'll definitely be the NV of the neighborhood" +"Friend's 13 year old sister told this joke and made us cringe and then laugh at it's stupidity. A monkey was given five bananas, it ate only four. Why. Because the fifth banana was plastic. Then, another monkey was given five bananas, it didn't eat any. Why","Because the monkey was plastic" +"My son's math teacher called him average","I think he's mean" +"If a person sleeps with his or her sibling in a jovial manner","Is it *in jest?*" +"Why are skeletons so calm","Because nothing gets under their skin" +"In a Greek coney island in Detroit My friends and I were eating in a restaurant where all the waiters are Greek and have heavy accents. Our waiter walked by, said something inaudible, and walked away: Friend: What did he say. Me: Dunno, it's all Greek to me","*many groans ensue*" +"I keep telling this girl who works on a farm to get over the loss of her favorite cow","But she couldn't put it pasture" +"Got my husband this morning. My husband and I have been working out more lately and we woke up today complaining about our aches and pains. Me: What's sore for you. Him: My abs, my back, my arms. Me: Ahh. For me, it's my dino. Him: (strange look) Me: My dino-sore","He laughed and then yelled at me that it was too early for awful dad jokes" +"I've never played poker in my life, so I had quite a bit of trouble in the loo when I was in Her Majesty The Queen's palace","You see, I don't know much about the royal flush" +"Apples Me (biting into an apple): Wow this apple is really bitter. Dad: It must have had a bad experience","*Death stare*" +"Have you ever been to the circus","I hear it's pretty in tents" +"The waitress asked my dad if he was paying credit","He responded with a grin, Did you just assume my tender" +"Whenever I tell a dad joke somebody says wow are you sure you aren't a dad","They sound just like those strange children who are always in my house" +"So a tree goes bankrupt","Guess he's out on a limb" +"I have had about 10 cuppas today. Mug","Life" +"Dad laughed every time he told it. Why don't you play cards in the jungle","Too many cheetahs" +"¿Qué hace un pez","Nada" +"I use this one all the time. I was out shopping with my son to get him some new pants. We were browsing around to find his size, when one of the clerks comes over and asks, How are you guys making out. To which I replied, We're not making out. We're just shopping for pants. This line or variations thereof always gives me a chuckle","Feel free to use it for yourself" +"Dad, can I keep my solar system project in your room","Yeah sure, I got some space" +"When I met Buzz Aldrin, I asked him How was space. He replied It's still there","Buzz is a total dad" +"My cousin is mute and likes to communicate via embroidery","I guess it's a version of sign language, sew to speak" +"Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road","Because it got stuck in a crack" +"I read a lengthy article about. Japanese sword fighters. It's okay. I can","Samurais it for you." +"I accidentally spilled some soy sauce on my wife","She was pretty salty about it..." +"Bought some low-quality toilet paper to save money","but it makes my hand feel kinda shitty" +"My back really hurts, but im ok","its spine" +"Woodn't you laugh. Me:(holding poplar board) This is one of our biggest sellers Coworker: really. Me: Yep, it's one of our most poplar items. *cue groans * Me: Sorry, I feel like I made an ash of myself with that joke","I was just pining for attention" +"I won a. Paralympic race","I guess you could say they were de-feet-ed" +"Hey, Ernie, would you like some ice cream","Sherbert" +"My grandfather is 85 and he still doesn’t need glasses","He drinks straight from the bottle" +"Neighbor (who is a dad) just dad joked me I was explaining the rope climb that was in an obstacle race (Spartan Race for any other spartans out there). I said half of the ropes have knots in them to make it easier, and the other half don't","Without missing a beat, So you're saying there's the have's, and the have knots Sonofabitch" +"How do you make a water bed more bouncy","By adding spring water" +"My wife called me at work and said, “Hon, I’m having contractions. I need you to drive to the hospital. ” I got there as soon as I can and called her back , “Right. I’m now at the hospital","What do you want me to do now" +"It is okay if you don’t know what “prefix” means","It’s not the end of the word" +"If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up","1GB" +"Dad joked by a stranger today. I wash windows for a summer job when i am home from college. Today I was washing a window to a nail salon when an older gentleman was walking past, and he hit me with a zinger. How's the window washing business going. <without waiting for a response> You must be cleaning up","He then walked away chuckling to himself" +"What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea","I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face" +"What do you call a bear with no teeth","A gummy bear" +"Was watching a movie on my phone There was a dog barking in the movie, and a neighbors dog was barking at the same time","My girlfriend points this out and I turn to her with the biggest this is my chance grin and told her that it's just my surround hound system" +"What fo you call an underweight skeleton","A skeleGRAM" +"What do you call a cow that can’t produce milk","An udder failure" +"How do ants greet a human being","With microwaves" +"Why don't blind people jump out of planes anymore","It scared the hell out of their dogs" +"What's a stoner's favorite vehicle","A canna-bus" +"Friend: Your wife and daughter look like they could be twins","Me: Well, they were separated at birth" +"What did one casket say to the other. Is that you *coffin*","H/T to /u/ctp2nd for the early morning phone call dad joke" +"Mum asked Dad to put the kettle on. Of course he puts it on his head and asks how he looks. We all chuckle in a pained kind of way and Mum says Can you turn the kettle on, dear. And that is when he starts chatting to the kettle, stroking it sensually","*sigh*" +"I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey","But I turned myself around" +"My mom lost her phone. Her: Where is my phone. Me: Do you want me to call it. Her: Yes please. Me: Phone. Phone","My mom and sister were not impressed" +"Darth. Vader's dad joke from. Rogue. One [Spoilers]. While force choking. Krennic,","Vader says: Don’t choke on your own ambition”" +"I sprained my back while trying to see how low I could go, but there's nobody around to help me up","I'm stuck in limbo" +"The teacher gave me a scary death stare. So in our chemistry class today we were taking bonding ; this popped up in my head so. I said it outloud My name is bond,. Carbon","Bond" +"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom","Because the pee is silent" +"What do you call a prostitute pasta","an alfredhoe" +"Is it okay to marry your second cousin","Sure, as long as you're legally divorced from the first one" +"Why does lightning strike a tree before a person","Because it takes the path of leaf resistance" +"My dad grabbed a milk carton. And waved it around his head, saying What's this","We all looked at him confused, until he said: It's past-your-eyes milk" +"Saw this headline and thought to myself. Well that will teach him. Japanese Father Kills 12yr Old Son for not Studying http://ti","me/2bjC5ra" +"My daughter and I had Chinese food for lunch. She was disappointed when her cookie was empty inside","I told her “that’s unfortunate”" +"I had just come home from work when my wife ran towards me and tore off her clothes","At that moment my wife flashed before my eyes" +"Having a big nose is no excuse for not wearing a mask","I still have to wear my underwear" +"My wife, who hates Dad jokes, just dropped this one on me. I just purchased and presented her with a fancy Octopus-shaped necklace, and to my utter dismay, I discovered it only had seven legs. WTF, it's a Septopus. Seeing I was obviously upset, she just smiled and replied, I still like it, don't be an Upset-topus","I'm so proud of her right now" +"Dad: I started a band, we're called the Geologists","Because we're a **rock** band" +"My dad felt like this needed to be reposted http://i. imgur. com/MQAPc1j","png" +"A cement mixer collided with a prison bus today","Police have told locals to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals" +"If they launched a lot of cattle into orbit. If they launched a lot of cattle into orbit","It would be the herd shot ’round the world" +"Dracula's wife is divorcing him because he cheated. She wants it all, the castles the coffins, etc","She's trying to bleed him dry" +"Where does Pho come from","Vietnomnomnomnomnom" +"A Buddhist monk refused novacaine at the dentist","He wanted to transcend dental medication" +"My son keeps telling me how strong he is","I keep reminding him that smell isn't everything" +"Who's bigger. Mr. Bigger. Or Mr. Bigger's son. Mr","Bigger's son, he's a little Bigger" +"Dad asks me if I heard about the lady who dropped a case of beer on her baby at Walmart. Dad looks at me in the eye and he says, Did you hear about the woman at Walmart who accidentally dropped a case of beer on her baby. I said, no. Is the baby alive. Dad says. Yeah, the baby is fine, it was light beer","-_____- thanks dad" +"A dad and son are eating Chinese food together Dad: son, what did you just put on your rice. Son: soy sauce Dad: hola, Sauce","Soy Papa" +"My wife gave birth to our child in the car","I named him Carson" +"My friend's bakery burnt down last night","Now his business is toast" +"What do you call motors with ears","Engineers" +"What do you call a fake noodle","An impasta" +"Told Dad that I'm getting a lazy eye. Dad: I went on date with a girl with a lazy eye once. Me: Oh yeah. Dad: I got up and left because she was seeing someone else","Me: Fuck offfff" +"Welcome to the accounting department","where everybody counts" +"What do you call Jay-Z when he's sleeping","Jay-Zzzzzzzzzzzzz" +"What do you call a dictionary on drugs","Addictionary" +"Why were the pirate parents proud of their hardworking yet dim son, despite his lackluster report card. Arr","He earned **the seven C's" +"How do you pre-order an expression. You Face-book. **Dad Side note:** What's a facebook. is it a face you can read","is it a book you can make eye contact with" +"There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk","Up" +"What’s a pirate’s favourite letter","Without it they would be irate" +"An African woman called Betty came into the restaurant. Asked if we had chicken","I replied, “no, black Betty It’s ham or lamb" +"What is similar between dad jokes and clean water","Only some get it" +"Dad joked my little sister She's 7 and comes up to me. Her: Look","I lost my tooth Me: Go and find it then I think I'm ready to be a dad now" +"My annoying dad Me: Dad, I am exhausted I was up till 4 am with the baby","Dad: It's probably not good to keep a baby up that late" +"Got my 7-year-old today Her: I know what a metaphor is. Me: Yeah. But can you spell it backwards. Her:","Me: T-I" +"I got a kid that had broke his arm at Big Bear on Tuesday A kid had fallen right in front of me and broke his arm above the wrist. I went over to help and comfort him. The paramedic came and she cut his glove off, put a splint on as well as a sling","That's when I said she likes you, so she put a sling on it the paramedic and I laughed, the kid didn't" +"Did you hear what's making headlines","Corduroy pillowcases" +"So I have a Mechanics of Materials midterm tomorrow","One might say I'm a little stressed" +"Dad are we the ones who burned down the building","Yes we arson" +"Why don't you like giraffes","They are intallerable" +"Wife texted me with a question W: What would you say if I took the kids to the park. M: Have fun W: ok M: Are you taking them to the park","W: yes M: Have fun" +"I carry this in my wallet on the off chance someone asks to see a picture of my kids. [My Pride and Joy](http://imgur","com/aI7vfTV)" +"My Rabbi is incredibly caustic","He must be an Acidic Jew" +"Midwives are really great","They're always helping people out." +"What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks","A labracadabrador" +"What do you eat off of a tectonic plate","A Continental breakfast" +"A Chinese man, Japanese man, Vietnamese man, Mongolian man, Korean man and a Filipino walk into a bar","The doorman says 'Sorry, you can't come in without a Thai'" +"Hey what's up","A Pixar Movie" +"How does German bread say hello","Gluten tag" +"Want to hear the worst joke in the world. I just threw two drums and a cymbal off a cliff","Ba Dum Tsss" +"Why does the riot police get up so early","To beat the crowds" +"Did you know the van hire business was invented by a dutchman","Hertz van Rentals" +"What does dancer say when they have to use the bathroom","I have to go and-a-one, and-a-two" +"I bought a horse named mayo","And sometimes mayonnaise" +"Did you hear about the fastest mountain on the world","They say that thats what peak performance looks like" +"What kind of car does a Jedi drive","A Toy-YODA I stole this from FB but I think it's dad joke material" +"I'm terrified of elevators","I'm taking steps to avoid them." +"You can't fault kid logic I asked my nephew how old his dad was and he replied six . I said how can he only be six if you're six","He said because he's only been a dad since I was born" +"I started writing poetry recently. POETR","I think its coming along nicely." +"As today marks my fathers passing here is his greatest. Sitting passed out in his chair in the nursing home, dying from Alzheimer's disease, my father the Lutheran pastor farts as loud as can be and looks up tiredly and says","What'd that asshole say" +"What do you call a fortune telling midget who escaped from prison","A small medium at large" +"A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm. He shouts, “A beer please","And one for the road" +"What did the mom say when the sink was full of dirty plates","Dishes a real mess" +"I asked my boyfriend for a new water pitcher","He sends me a text message with a picture of running water in our sink" +"What is the way two French dudes share files electronically","Pierre to Pierre network" +"Have you heard of the Saudi Arabian spinoff of Everybody loves Raymond","Everybody loves Ramadan" +"What happened when Lithium tried to break up a fight between Sodium and Chloride","They were charged with Assault and Battery" +"I play chess online with a guy that lives in a small land-locked country in Central Europe","He’s my Czech-mate" +"1 acre of land for sale, no house","That’s a lot" +"Dadjoked at the office yesterday Received an email that was copied to about half the company notifying everyone of a package that was returned and undeliverable. It was addressed to a Ms. Bargo. Without even thinking, I replied all asking if her first initial was 'M,' as an 'M. Bargo' would very likely be the reason for a shipping issue. Went waaaaaay over the sender's head","Heard it being contemplated and explained over on the other side of the office" +"My son. Cyril told me and his mother that he wants to hang out with his friends. I guess we're letting out a","Cy" +"Who makes more money, the fisherman or the lawnmower","The lawnmower, he gets grass income while the fisherman gets net income" +"New Year's resolution A colleague shared her new year's resolution","I said that mine was 1280x1024" +"Working the concession stand at the ball park and someone asks me for extra cheese on their nachos. Me: oh you are an overacheeser","Lots of groans not sure they will ask me to volunteer again" +"Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road","He didn’t have the guts" +"I had hoped trigonometry would bring me closer to god","I was looking for a sine" +"I was thinking about starting an awning company","But that's a pretty shady business to get into" +"How many people are going to own an Oculus Rift in the future","Virtually everyone" +"Dad got me walking through a cemetery Just found a cemetery in the middle pg no where while we were on a walk and he stops, looks around with a puzzled look on his face, and says, Huh","it's pretty dead over here" +"Did you hear about the horse who couldn't pay its mortgage","His income wasn't stable enough" +"How many apples grow on a tree","All of them" +"What do you call crystal clear pee","1080p" +"Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler on a car","I woke up exhausted" +"What do you call a chicken looking at lettuce","A chicken Caesar salad" +"Have you heard about the new Mexican/Vietnamese fusion restaurant","They're speciality is phojitas" +"What type of fabric softener does iron man use","Downey" +"What do you call a greedy clam","Shellfish" +"My Dad is the king of Dad jokes and just laid this one on me. I was bitching about not wanting to go for a run, and my mom yells what. My Dad scoffs and replies: she's so lazy not even her nose runs","He proceeded to laugh uncontrollably" +"There were bottles of Cholula and Tapatio on the dining table My SO and I were arguing which taste better so we decided to do a blind test on each one","After deciding that Cholula was better, I said Now you can tell your friends we experimented to spice up our lives" +"Whats brown and sticky","A stick" +"Got my girlfriend We were at a bar getting food and there was a tennis game playing on tv. Girlfriend: I wonder if Djokovic is single Me: Probably not. I mean, to him, love means nothing. Girlfriend: Wow that is such an old joke","Me: I guess I'm not a good Jokervic" +"My buttocks. my 4 year old son: ow. my buttocks. (finding the word buttocks amusing) me: when you fart 4 year old son: what. me: your buttocks when you fart. ugh. I am so ashamed yet proud of this one","" +"What do you call a hen house with two doors","A coupe" +"Dad went to bed, then came downstairs 5 minutes later to ask if I got his text Check my phone, iTired","there's a nap for that" +"What do you call a fat psychic","A four-chin teller" +"Pink Panther's To Do List 1. To Do 2. To Do 3. To Do To Do To Do To Do 4","To Doooooooo" +"Dif you know people from dubai don't like the flintstones","But people from Abu Dhabi doo" +"I was out Dad-joked by a 4 year old My joke was, What do you call a cow that moves around too much. The punchline was supposed to be, A milkshake. The 4 year old's answer is, A Moooooooooooo-ver","That was actually a better joke than mine" +"People in cities who grow their own basil, oregano, etc","Are herb-an farmers" +"What do you call a cheap circumcision","A rip off" +"Your mother said I was international when we dated","I had Russian hands and Roman fingers" +"What do you call a knight who always trips","Sir Landsalot" +"What time does the Chinese man go to the Dentist. ** Tooth-Hurty","**" +"The cashier at the supermarket asked me if i wanted the milk in a bag. I said","I’d rather they leave it in the jug" +"You need a pilots license before you become a spy","After all, you'll be in da skies" +"My friend who is a snake charmer is marrying an undertaker","I bought them some 'Hiss and Hearse' towels as a wedding gift" +"An Ancient Greek walks into a tailor shop with a torn pair of pants. “Euripides. ” Asks the tailor “Yeah. Eumenides","” Replies the man" +"I had a neck brace fitted years ago","I’ve never looked back since" +"Move Growing up if I ever asked my dad to move out of the way he would start dancing (moving) his body and not get out of the way. I hated it and eventually trained myself to never say the word move to my dad. Now that I'm married I can't help but to dance around when my husband asks me to move","The audible sigh he makes should be enough for me to stop but I can't" +"“Dad, do you remember the name of Sherlock’s friend","” “What, son" +"How many months have 28 days","All of them" +"I had to stop my clock-eating addiction","It was pretty time consuming" +"What's the coolest kind of ball","Well, the fly ball certainly thinks it is, but it's actually the snowball" +"Frog parked his car illegally","It was toad" +"I took my cute CPA go karting on our first date to a place called Turbo Tracks","She wasn't Intuit" +"What do you call a girl who smells like cantaloupe","Melanie" +"What reward to you get for running out of money in animal crossing","The no bell prize" +"What do you call a pedophile cat","A purrvert" +"Got my wife twice while talking about our dog My wife just finished eating some eggo waffles and the dog came in and immediately started licking the syrup off her hands Her: the dog didn't even see me eat yet he ran straight over to me and began licking my hands","Me: Yeah, it's like he nose Her (trying to come up with something to out do my joke): That was quite the paw-n Me: Was that supposed to be a joke, because it sounded like a faux-paw" +"A man calls in sick to work. His boss asks him why. The man says I'm going blind. What do you mean you're going blind","I just can't see going to work today" +"What does D. stand for","Nation Dyslexia Association" +"Carpenter ants are just like regular ants","Except rainy days and Mondays always get them down" +"Dad's encounter with cat My dad was a carpenter and would start to tell me a story in such an honest way I thought for sure he was serious; Ya know, this one time we were building this house, and this damn cat kept coming in and bothering us all day. So my buddy Jimmy put some gas in a cap and the cat drank the whole thing. Suddenly, it jumped up and ripped all over the room bouncing off walls and crashing into everything. Then, it just fell over. *waits for you to say* Did it die. Nope","Ran outta gas" +"Girlfriend got dadjoked in the park I visited the park with my girlfriend, we laid down in the grass and I rested my head on her. She removed hair from my face and asked where does all that hair come from my head","She rolled her eyes - success" +"A man with no arms walks into a church and asked the priest if he could be the new bell ringer. The priest said he was unsure if he could hire him, but would give him a chance. The man went to the bell tower and started running into the bells head first to make the most beautiful sounds the priest had ever heard. Unfortunately, on his second attempt the man missed the bell and fell out of the tower and died. The priest ran outside to the body and asked the gathering crowd if anyone knew who he was and they all said no, but his face did ring a bell","A few minutes later another man walked up and claimed that the armless man was a dead ringer for his brother" +"Yesterday I saw an ad that said, radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on max","I thought, I can't turn that down" +"Pink Lemonade We were sitting in a Mexican restaurant and my dad ordered a pink lemonade. Mom: What makes it pink","Dad: The color" +"I once tried to open a gym in my neighbourhood","It didn't work out." +"Dadjoked my name I am a college professor and had my first lecture in front of a new class today. I said, Good morning, for those of you whom I haven't met yet, my name is Dr. Jones. Actually, for those of you whom I've already met, my name is still Dr. Jones","*crickets*" +"A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer","The bartender says sorry, we don't serve food here" +"What did the Thai man say to the Thai woman","Let's Thai the knot" +"I just found out I'm colorblind","It really came out of the purple" +"Why is “dark” spelled with a “k” and not “darc”","Because you can’t see" +"Where do British communists buy their clothes","At Marx & Spencer" +"I got a date to prom. I got a date to prom, so I went home to get ready only to relize that I was late. So I have to run down to the limo rental place. The line there was pretty long and after that, I hade to get flowers & chocolate. The line there was also pretty long. Then after that, I finally went to pick her up, she was pretty upset but forgived me and we arrived at our destination","I then got thirst and thank god there was no Punch Line" +"This sub in a nutshell https://i. redd. it/n6xy7xjisfkz","jpg" +"How come the stadium got hot after the game","Because all of the fans left" +"So sorry to hear your uncle was hit by a boat in Venice","Please accept my gondolances" +"Why did we allow two period jokes on the front page of /r/dadjokes","They're cramping our style" +"I'm going to the. Fibonacci convention this year","It promises to be as big as the last two put together!" +"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back","A stick" +"My daughter: Ken Dodd's Dad's Dog's Dead Daughter: Say that four times fast","Me: THAT-THAT-THAT-THAT Daughter: *groan*" +"We all know Albert Einstein was a genius","but his brother Frank was a monster" +"What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe","Roberto" +"How do people in San Antonio, Texas like their pie","Alamo'd Best part about this joke is that it's easy to remember" +"There is a difference between dad jokes and bad jokes","The first letter." +"Among the different forms of milk, my favourite is when it is churned","It’s butter that way" +"What's the best material to build a house out of","Wooden you like to know" +"At the grocery store . Cashier: Do you have a card to gather bonus points","Dad leans in and stares at her: I'm a hunter, not a gatherer" +"What’s similar between a janitor and a car","They both go “broom broom" +"How do you make Budweiser. This was several years ago but while driving in the car with the family and we pass a Budweiser factory. Dad: How do they make Budweiser. Mom: They do something with fermenting the hops and yeast","Dad: They send him to school" +"A Mexican fireman found out that his wife gave birth to a pair of twins. He named his first child Jóse. What did he name his second child","Hose B" +"My dad calls me into the room. Dad: Do you know what. Me: What","Dad: Huh, I thought I introduced him to you" +"I am the dad in this relationship Have you heard about the man who lost his favorite blanket. He never re-covered","Got sighs and eye rolls from my husband AND my sister for that one" +"Friend: How good are those double cheeseburgers. Me: They're about twice as good as the regular ones","" +"My friends star sign was cancer and it was quite ironic how he died really","He was attacked by a giant crab" +"Alarm clocks are great but the snooze button was even better. Because after sleeping for eight hours, what I need","is a nap" +"Have of the new thing called a shovel","Its groundbreaking" +"Don't trust atoms","They make up everything" +"Police Station toilet stolen","Cops have nothing to go on" +"My wife says I'm the cheapest man in the world","I'm not buying it" +"Want to hear my pizza joke","Never mind, it's too cheesy" +"So i just ate at this new restaurant called “Karma”","They don’t have menus, they just give you what you deserve." +"x-post from r/ottawa: our Mayor has the dadjokes. Recently e-cigs/vapes have been banned on city property and public transit. Screenshot from Twitter: http://imgur","com/40Sq0qK" +"Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac","He stayed up all night wondering whether or not there was a dog" +"Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin turns to the other and says: Is it just me, or is it hot in here. The other muffin's jaw drops in shock as it exclaims: Whoa","A talking muffin" +"School Options Walked into my dad's room today to tell him that I had the chance to study in a foreign country. Here's how the conversation went: Me: Hey Dad, I might have a chance to study abroad. Dad: Really","What's her name" +"My dad is addicted to ladders","He uses them to get high." +"My kid thinks ‘racist’ meant someone who is good at running. Heard him tell his class mate, ‘You’re good at running. I bet when you grow up you are going to be a great racist","’ (Good luck today all you London Marathon racists" +"You know, I’m really getting into all this stuff going on about Moderna, Pfizer, BioNTech and AstraZeneca","I find it absolutely vaccinating" +"What is the best thing about Switzerland","I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus" +"What do you call it when Nemo's dad does stand-up comedy","Fish schtick" +"Why is midnight a cop's favorite time on the clock","Because both hands are up" +"What do you call the head of a fish crime family","The Codfather" +"What do you call a cross between a parrot and a centipede","A walkie talkie" +"Foot or feet related dadjokes. A very dear friend of mine had a significant foot surgery today. Significant to the tune of, it was cut off for a brief period and then reattached. Because I love him like that, help me out with some foot/feet related dadjokes so I can cheer him up over the coming weeks","Thanks" +"My dad said this after an eye appointment. I should be a teacher. Why","Because my pupils are doing great" +"I bought two recliners on Craigslist today I went with a friend to pick them up. When we got back, my dad comes out and says Hey, two lazy boys","Oh and you got some recliners too" +"What happens when you drink 10 Cokes","You burp 7-up" +"I accidentally spilt a half bottle of laundry detergent. It landed in a conveniently placed bucket tho","I was able to turn the tide" +"Dad joked my own dad. We were in Illinois when we go to see some family out in the country. So as we are driving through rows of corn fields (and it was late at night, we were in the middle of now where), I turned to my dad and said, Ever since watching Children of the Corn, driving through rows of corn has always been a bit ear-y. He didn't know how to respond","Edit:" +"My friend's 3y/o daughter wanted to wright a letter to Santa. Daughter: Mom, I want to wright a letter to Santa Mom: Okay sweetie, I'll help you. What do you want your letter to say","Daughter: B" +"Where to Bees go to party in Spain","Ibiza" +"I have a joke about procrastination","I’ll tell you it later" +"Yesterday my toaster shocked me when I plugged it in","I returned it and got my new one free of charge" +"Overpriced drinks, racist baristas, and now the news this week about Starbucks","That’s the last straw" +"How do you get Pikachu onto a bus","Pokemon" +"Cortana for Windows 10 is the queen of Dad Jokes Me: Tell me a Joke Cortana: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll around in the mud, then cross the road again. Because he was a dirty double crosser Me: *Groan* Tell me a Good Joke","Cortana: There are two types of people in the world: Those who need closure" +"It's not difficult to be an insomniac","I became one overnight" +"Post Grocery Shopping Dadjoke My dad literally just came out with this one. Mum and dad have just come back from shopping, and my brother had asked for shaving foam/gel. So mum says I forgot to get you any mousse. And dad comes out with She got you a musk ox instead","Groans were definitely heard" +"My friends keep telling me I’m frugal","I’m not buying it" +"I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. It was riveting. (joke by [Stewart Francis](https://en. wikipedia","org/wiki/Stewart_Francis))" +"I don’t say Happy Birthday to many people","Only people whose birthday it is" +"What herbs do killer whales take when they aren't feeling well","Goldenseal" +"Did you hear about the dead carrot","Huge turnip at the funeral" +"I was gonna give archery a shot","But theres just too many drawbacks" +"I really hate being left handed, They never make products for us","We always get *left* out" +"I tried to register slimshady. com, but it turns out that it is owned by the US Government","They cited Eminem Domain" +"I'm a pony Having breakfast with the family and telling them I'm not feeling well this morning. **Me:** I've got a sore throat and my voice is kind of raspy. I think I'm a pony. **Daughter:** tilts head and looks quizzically at me. huh. **Me:** You know, a little horse","**Wife:** rolls eyes" +"What is Elon Musk’s favourite country","MadAGasCar" +"I tied a rope and swallowed it","I shit you knot" +"I was watching. Trollhunter with my dad (takes place in. Norway). Dad:. I've always wanted to go to","Norway but could never a-fjord to." +"It's a Lemon I barback for a friend on Sunday mornings. Part of that job includes cutting my own lemons and limes for brunch service. Because we only order organic produce, it's fairly common to get nasty looking fruit. I'd been mulling over this thought for weeks, waiting for the perfect moment to capitalize on the growing, searing flame inside of me when finally, after much preparation, I found one. A lemon that looked fine on the outside and was nasty on the inside. I turned to the bartender and simply said, I think I found a Lemon. He groaned. And walked away","But the dad's at the bar chuckled a little" +"They say “You are what you eat”, and they are right","A few minutes ago, I ordered some “Ready to eat” chicken, and now I’m ready to eat chicken" +"While on a road trip, we saw a stopped train in the rain. I asked my dad if coal can get wet","He replied if water gets on it, yeah" +"Two wrongs don't make a right","but two wrights make a plane" +"I once tried doing stand up at a haunted comedy club","I got booed off stage" +"What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter. An","Irrelephant" +"Which letters broke out of alphabet prison","SKP" +"My wife said she'd leave me unless. I stop constantly singing. Oasis songs…","I said maybe." +"Talking to my girlfriend. does this count. Gf: “I don’t know what you see in me. ” Me: “Nothing, I don’t have x-ray vision. ” Gf: “You know what I mean. ” Me: “Nope","Don’t have telepathy either" +"Sideshow. Bob could never get a job at. Moe's. Tavern. Because of his many past failures with","Bart-ending." +"[NSFW]. My girlfriend has a really weird fetish, so last night she dressed like a chicken and. I was an egg","The egg came first." +"I wrote a story about a mundane, not-so-hideous monster","My publisher said it was a mediogre work" +"I just flew in from a Transformers convention","Boy are my arms tires" +"I just made a list of my top 10 favourite Dad jokes","The first 9 are great but the last one is an absolute cracker 1) great 2) great 3) great 4) great 5) great 6) great 7) great 8) great 9) great 10) An absolute cracker" +"What did the mute baker say","Muffin" +"Why. 😂 I ate a clock, it was very time consuming","Especially when I went back for seconds" +"Just dadjoked my little sister Me: Do you know what nein means. Sister: No Me: Well then, let me teach you. Sister:","hey" +"Just now. Classic Dad. Dad The lawnmower won't work. It's not cutting properly. Me did you check under it. See anything wrong","Dad yeah, uncut grass" +"How do you tell the sex of a chromosome","Pull off its genes" +"The other day. I caught my friend talking shit about. The. Offspring. So","I hit him right between the eyes" +"My dad tells me how I should put ornaments on my Christmas tree Dad: So is your tree going to be facing a wall. Me: Yeah, a wall and a window D: Put all your ornaments on the side facing the wall. M: Go on. D: Then, you can tell all your friends that you have a balls to the wall Christmas tree","D: *giggles in success*" +"My wife an. I saw our son burning down our home. And at that moment","I knew it was arson" +"Just read a great book, 'The. A to. Z of. Tribute. Bands'","I read it from cover to cover." +"What do you call a mythical horse like creature with a horn but no balls","A Eunuchorn" +"We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one","” I said, “Why would I want two empty glasses" +"Duvet This year I'm releasing a Christmas record called Duvet Know it's Christmas","It's a cover" +"I usually don't tell dad jokes","But when I do, he laughs" +"I was gonna give archery a shot","But there’s too many drawbacks" +"Where do mathematicians swim","Indices" +"Of all the different types of sausage,. German sausage is my least favourite","It's the würst." +"My dad made me proud today (and everyone else groan) For some context my dad's a pretty hardened dude so I wouldn't expect a dad joke from him, and my brother, Justin, occasionally comes over to eat on short notice. Anyway, we were eating dinner and I mentioned how when my brother comes over to eat he's always right on time, never early and never late, always right when it's finished cooking. My dad saw the opportunity and took it: well its his name, Justin time","My mother and brother groaned but I had a little chuckle" +"This happened while my dad was texting me at work the other day. Dad: Can you talk. Me: Yes. You and mom taught me how to many years ago. Dad:","Can I call you" +"Did I tell you about the time I invited a bunch of guys with erectile dysfuntion to my orgy","Nobody came" +"Why is a woman s monthly called a period","Because colon was already taken" +"What do you call a fish that sings off key","An outta tuna fish" +"When does a sandwich cook","When it’s bakin’ lettuce and tomato" +"Where do the popular ice cubes go to eat lunch","The cool cubes table" +"This sub used to be great, but now it’s ruined. https://imgur","com/gallery/87MbnGu" +"My friend Steve drowned, so at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt","Well, it's what he would have wanted" +"I think he meant how do you want your egg (subway breakfast) Stoned Subway Worker: What kind of egg do you want. Dad: Umm","I don't know, chicken" +"Why did the iPhone go to the dentist","He had a blue tooth" +"What does a pirate need a cellphone for","Booty calls" +"I never make mistakes Thought I did once","I was wrong" +"I went to the casino today and bet using sirloins","I guess you could say I made a beef stake" +"I'm soon gonna be a father, and I don't know anyone who will help deliver the baby","I'm having a midwife crisis" +"When does a dad joke become a dad joke","When it becomes apparent" +"I bought a some running shoes today","It’s a shame I didn’t get to put them on before they ran away" +"How many. South. Americans does it take to change a lightbulb. A","Brazilian" +"Don't criticize my dad's grammar","He'll say without fail: My grammar was a really nice lady, why would you say that about her?" +"Why did the prostitute quit her job","She sucked at it" +"I went out to my car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves","you could call it an Autumnobile now" +"Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital","The hip consultant" +"I saw a teenager reading a map","That kid is really going places!" +"What's the difference between an elephant and a madababy. Other:. What's a madababy. Dad:","Nothing what's up with you baby?" +"Me: How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag. Friend: How","Me: Take the s out of safe and the f out of way Friend: There's no f in way Me: Exactly" +"I had a dream that i was drowning in an ocean of orange soda","But when I woke I realized that it was just a Fanta sea" +"Ahhh my dad got me and my sister today. I'm home for spring break and my sister is listening to my iPod. All the music on my iPod is my roommates, so she is scrolling through looking at the artist and says wow he has Adelle","and my dad slowly looks up with that dad grin on his face and says lots of people have Dells, but I'd prefer a mac" +"Why are scarecrows so good at their jobs","Because they are always out standing in their field" +"Which of king Arthur's knights invented the round table","Sir cumference" +"I'm known for my dad jokes and in my first day of junior year in high school, I got my friend good. Today, my friend Mia and I found out we had PreCalculus together and thus sat across from each other and began talking about our schedules while our teacher prepared the student contracts. (For reference, Mr. Waage is one of the music teachers in my school. ) Mia- I have Waage three times in my schedule this year and two are back to back. Me- What periods do you have him. Mia- 0, 4th, and 5th period. Me- Looks like you are getting maximum Waage","Grunts and cringes ensued" +"What happens when a nerdy day turns to night","It gets dork out" +"My friend told me that he’s afraid of eating genetically modified fruit","I said, “Grow a pear" +"I told my dad a joke. “Where’d you hear that one","” “Reddit” “Where" +"What sounds like a sneeze and made out of leather","A shoe" +"I told my friend I was writing a screenplay. I told my friend I was writing a tragedy","He said Oh, it can't be that bad" +"I knew a guy that was addicted to brake fluid","he said he could stop anytime" +"I had the best steak ever yesterday","It was very well done" +"Did you hear about the cow that drank coffee","It was de-calf" +"I enjoy this subreddit. Thanks for the jokes","I find one every morning to send to my kids" +"I was captured by. ISIS after. Iran away. Now all. I’m","China do is to survive" +"Ice cubes are anitisocial","They always disappear when things are heating up" +"What's Thanos' favorite Pokémon game","Snap" +"My wife, who has been a bit sick lately, normally a staunch opponent of the 'Dad Joke', got me pretty good the other day. Her: 'I feel a bit Belgian this morning. ' Me: 'What. ' Her: 'Ya know. Phlegmish. ' It's been haunting me ever since. Now anytime I make a dad-joke, rather than groaning she just responds, 'eh, still not as good as mine","'" +"Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself","It was two tired" +"My cucumber plant grew a foot last night","Another and it may run away." +"Insulating a house is hard","So just try asbestos you can." +"My friend hit his funny bone and I laughed, He said it’s not funny","So I said, “you’re right, it’s humorous" +"On Sports Authority's going out business sale","Now is the winter of our discount-tent" +"What do you call clown that is good at saving money","Pennywise" +"Dad jokes are the best","The punchline is always a parent" +"I don't drink for religious reasons","I drink for completely other reasons" +"Did you hear about the restaurant that closed on the moon","The food was phenomenal but there was just no atmosphere" +"I know grizzlies can be a bit confusing","So just bear with me" +"Did you hear about the ocean made of soda","It was just a Fanta-sea ( fantasy )" +"Does this mean I'm a dad now. My girlfriend and I were talking about some event planning stuff and she was getting excited. Girlfriend: I wanna plan it so bad Me: A whole planet","After a brief pause, there was a bountiful supply of groans" +"I'm turning into my dad. My 8 year old cousin asked me whether I pronounce scone sc-own or sc-on . I said it depends. If I'm eating it it's sc-own, if I've finished it it's gone/sc-on","When my dad got back from work he was asked the same question, and gave exactly the same response" +"What does Thor wear under his trousers","Thunder-wear" +"How does a train eat","Chew Chew" +"I saw a program billed as LeeAnn Rimes with Cher","Then I thought to myself no, it doesn't" +"He peed on the floor After a night of drinking and general intoxication, one of my friends peed on his floor and fell back asleep, leaving his girlfriend to clean it up. After he woke up and stumbled out, I grinned at him","“Urine trouble" +"What’s smaller than a piece of wood","A Planck" +"There was a kidnapping at school","Then he woke up" +"The secret service aren’t allowed to yell “GET DOWN” anymore if the president is about to be attacked","Instead they say, “DONALD, Duck" +"How did the hunter kill the polar bear","He hit him right between the ice" +"If Scotland votes YES on its independence referendum","then rest of Britain will go away scot-free" +"What did the Boston pirate say. Nothing","Because they can't say arrrrrrs" +"I was throwing my 6yr old in the air when she said let me down","So I looked her straight in the eyes and said Santa isn't real" +"What do you call a pope who is addicted to cats","Catholic" +"A favorite of my Papa's: What do a lemon pie and my finger have in common","They both got meringue on 'em" +"What do you call a price of paper on. Halloween","Tear-ifying." +"Slayed my girlfriend with this Dad joke GF: I lost my phone can you call it. Me: Jess' phone","Jess' phone where are you" +"What do you call a potato wearing glasses. A spec-tater","Got my dad with this one today" +"You know how ducks fly in a V formation. Do you know why the one side of the V is longer than the other","There are more ducks on that side" +"“What day is today, Adam. ” “For the last time, it’s Christmas, Eve. ” Edit: Thanks for so much love","Merry Xmas" +"Why does the Swedish navy have barcodes on the sides of their ships","So they can Scandinavian" +"My friends Charles lived away for a long time. So when he came back, I started calling him Harles","Long time no C" +"How do parents lose their kids in a mall. Seriously","Any tips welcome" +"What do you call a 24 hour cancer doctor. An ON-CALL-OGIST","sorry if this has been submitted before" +"Girlfriend asked if I would like to marry abroad. I said it depends","What kind of broad" +"If you want to get thinner take my advice:. Home","Depot is having a sale." +"Last night I grumbled to my husband that I'm having trouble getting a job because I don't have contacts","He replied, You should talk to your ophthalmologist" +"I do a magic show where. I make marijuana and cocaine disappear","It's all just a bunch of smoke and mirrors" +"I'm not passive aggressive","Unlike some people." +"Working at kmart during the holidays. My coworkers were talking amongst them selves attempting to find where a Frozen doll goes, I come around the corner right then and instinctively respond with have you checked in the freezer section. I got a couple of chuckles from them and carried on with my day","Was worth it" +"[NSFW] I think that Trump's comments back in '05 should start a Russian punk band","They were a Pussy Riot" +"I told my kids we would watch the shortened version of Moana the other day","Lessana" +"I made a belt out of old watches","It was a waist of time" +"What do you call it when a DJ get's a heart attack","A beat drop" +"Why don't tennis players want to pray to Aphrodite","Aphrodite is the goddess of love" +"My dad has been working on his weight and health lately","Today he sent me the following text: I can't seem to get my diet right - I must be a gluten for punishment" +"I've always wanted a job where I get a master key","I think it could open all kinds of doors in my career" +"What did the CANNIBAL family give to the son who was late to dinner","a cold shoulder" +"I got dadjoked today in the pool So the conversation of how amputees swim can up, my dad asked if I knew who the quadruple amputee is. I responded no, who is it","He responded with Bob because they just bob up and down in the water" +"9% of all statistics","are made up right there on the spot" +"How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got him for Christmas","He felt his presents" +"I saw my son trying to eat his homework","Because his teacher said that it was a piece of cake" +"Accidentally knocked my grandmas ashes into a fog machine","She will be mist" +"What did Bones say to Captain Kirk at the river crossing","Dam it, Jim (Be gentle it’s my cake day)" +"What do you call water that’s impossible to freeze","Noticeable" +"I'm getting older now and my grandson asked me if I talk to myself. Yes I told him","Whenever I need expert advice" +"What is the loneliest cheese","Provalone Badum ching" +"Who do you call if something breaks down at a convent","Maintain-nuns" +"What's the difference between a cheetah and office supplies. One is really fast and the other is stationery","(I just thought of this one, but it probably already exists in some form because I am not a beautiful and unique snowflake)" +"What do vegan zombies eat","graaaaaaiiiins" +"Tim Hortons employees are probably tired of this dad joke > Dad: Can I get a large green tea, nothing in it. > > Cashier: You want one large green tea, black. > > Dad: No, I want it green. > > Cashier: [","] Of course then he starts laughing his ass off, while she forces a smile and quickly tries to get away" +"Last summer,. I worked on a party boat for the assistants to the staff of. Terry. Crews. I was on the","Crews' crew's crew cruise crew." +"A bottle of coke just fell out of the fridge onto my foot","I’m so glad it was a soft drink" +"If you keep trying the same sudoku puzzle, you willl eventually solve it","It's just a numbers game, really" +"If everyone had a horse","The world would be a lot more stabilized" +"The judge says Have you anything to say before I pass sentence. Nothing your honor the defendant replies. Judge asks the clerk of the court what did the gentleman say","The clerk repeats nothing your honor Judge says I'm sure I seen his lips move" +"What do you call a tick that lives on the moon","A lunatic" +"Why is no one friends with Dracula","Because he's a pain in the neck" +"My son asked me if his blinkers worked","Yes no yes no yes no yes no..." +"Girlfriend and I were discussing what she was wearing to work the next day Her: What do you think about these heels. Me: The hooker heels. Her: They're not. It's not easy being short okay. Me: I tend to overlook that. Her: Aww how. you asshole","She wasn't too happy afterwards" +"Why did the man break a dollar","It made cents" +"My notebook isn't holding up as well as it should","It's spiraling out of control" +"That's not cool. So my mom ended up getting some ranch on her after eating her salad and she exclaimed I got ranch on me that's not cool","so i replied What are you talking about it just came out of the fridge" +"I saw a sheep covered in plastic","Lambinated" +"Do you want to hear a joke about German food","Ahh, never mind, it’s the wurst" +"My dad has still got it. We were taking my two year old to the aquarium today. On the way my dad said, hey, I read that Russian scientists have come close to successfully breeding a manatee with a person. Just think. In a few years we could take <my daughter> back to the aquarium and she could look up and say, 'Oh the humanatee. ' Grandad jokes are like a fine wine","He's had his whole life to perfect his craft" +"My wife said to me, “You’re shirtless and also covered in…oil. ” I said, “Well, you’re always saying I never glisten. ” My wife said, “Listen. You never listen","”" +"How do you fit an Elephant into a SafeWay bag. You take the S out of safe","and the F out of way" +"Blonde jokes are the best So a blonde, brunette, and a ginger are running from the cops, they run into a barn, the blonde hides behind a barrel, the brunette hides behind a horse, the ginger hides behind a cow, the cops show up and yell come out we know you're in there. The brunette says neigh neigh, the ginger says moo moo, the blonde says barrel barrel. It's a bit of a basic joke but it makes me chuckle so wanted to share it","😁👍" +"What do you call multiple calzones","Calztwo" +"What kind of music are balloons afraid of","Pop music" +"What do you call a magic dog","A labrakadabradore" +"If I think my son is gay but he dates a girl named Amanda, I’ll know for sure","Because she’s a man, duh" +"I told my girlfriend that I had ripped my pants. I shouted from the other room, Honey, come check out this big ass hole in my jeans","She was not pleased to see me grinning and pointing at myself" +"Where do snakes swim","In the Hississippi river" +"What do you call a Swede that doesn't like modern music","Bjorn in the wrong generation" +"I asked my mum, How much is a couple. 2 or 3 she replied","Probably explains why her marriage collapse" +"What did the offended painkiller say. I can't Aleve you just said that to me. I'm Tylenol my friends about it","You're really aspirin for it, punk" +"My Dad has the worst dad jokes. We were in the kitchen yesterday just after eating dinner. He stands up with his wine glass and fork and heads over to the cupboard. He tapped his wine glass with his fork, and proclaims Excuse me, I'd like to make a toast","And then he pulled some bread out of the cupboard and popped it in the toaster" +"Google is so dangerous. I searched how to become and arsonist","And immediately received 50,000 matches" +"Accidentally got my shop forman. I walked into the restroom as he was washing his hands. How are you emperor_friendzone. He asked me as i walked into a stall. Theres urinals so when he saw me step in he knew exactly what was about to happen","Without even thinking i responded same shit different day" +"I went to the doctor because I was having hearing problems. Can you describe the symptoms . , he asked","I said Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair" +"Drive past a cemetery","people are DYING to get in there" +"What did the bra say to the hat","You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift" +"Son: dad tell me a joke. Son: tell me a joke. Dad: ok girls. Son:. I don’t get it. Dad:","I know" +"My sister got a new pillow for her birthday but she said she was not sure if she liked it","My dad said she should sleep on it" +"I used to have a job collecting leaves","I was raking it in" +"Why did the Indian not go to their usual charcuterie","They wanted to try a New Delhi" +"If Kylo Ren started a band he would","still be a solo artist" +"I keep randomly shouting out “Broccoli” and “Cauliflower”  I think I might have Florets","(Edinburgh fringe festival 2019: credit to the comedian Olaf Falafel)" +"Wife dropped this one on our honeymoon. We're unpacking our bags on our cruise ship. I complain that all my clothes are wrinkled and there's no ironing board in the cabin. She replies: Don't worry. Everyone here's in the same boat","She was already starting to laugh before she stopped talking" +"Me and my dad were at a local lake. I see a Crane standing in some cattails and I jokingly call it a Stork but then I seriously ask my dad if Storks also like to be around lakes and he says No, they hang around hospitals","I groaned" +"What do you call 10 cucumbers in a line","A queue-cumber" +"I parked in the C section of the parking lot","I had to climb out of the sunroof" +"What did Leia say to Luke when he tried to kiss her","You're looking for love in Alderaan places" +"Internet browsers","I'm keeping tabs on them" +"What did the router say to the doctor","It hurts when ip" +"Here's one my 5-year old made up: What does a cat wear at night. PURRR-jamas. She'll be a pro dad joke designer in no time","#prouddad" +"My friends dog Duncan went to the vet to get neutered the other day","His nickname went from Duncan Donuts to Duncan Nonuts" +"How fast do I eat my soup","Souper fast" +"I dropped an egg onto a concrete floor and it didn't break","This is probably because concrete floors are really hard" +"I got dad joked while at work and quickly countered with one of my own. I'm a server at a restaurant part time, and the other week I was serving a table of around 8 people. I went over to check on them and see if anyone was done so I could clear their plates. They said they weren't done. Me - Okay I was just checking, I don't want you to think I'm rushin you. The dad - Yeah I don't think anybody here is Russian. Me - Yeah but is anyone Finnish. The whole table busted out laughing","I walked away satisfied and was also left a handsome tip" +"Best dad joke in history [x-post /r/funny] http://i. imgur. com/nOaIdR8","gif" +"The constellation Orion's Belt is a waist of space. That was a terrible joke","I rate it 3 stars" +"What’s red and smell likes blue paint","Red paint" +"I was explaining photosynthesis to my mom, and she dropped this one on me Me: Animals can't do photosynthesis Her: Well, I can. Me: What do you mean. Her: I'm great at making pictures. Get it, photo- synthesis","Me: (groans) Dad, you have a competitor" +"Watching Daredevil with my Dad Me: I can't believe Marvel made something so dark","Dad: Well yeah, he's blind" +"This is a taco and burrito conversation","Nachos" +"Why do fish prefer salt water","Because pepper water makes them sneeze" +"Everyone says that. German sausages are the best","I think they’re the wurst" +"We should have known communism would fail","There were red flags everywhere" +"What do you call a fake noodle","An Impasta" +"From my 6 year old daughter who is infatuated with anything Frozen related. Why aren’t there any balloons in Arendelle. Because they Let them Go, Let them Go And then she continues singing the song","It was so adorable I had to add it to this reddit" +"Son asks about a picture on the fridge I picked up my son for the weekend and we get back to my house. I had hung up a few of his pictures on the fridge so naturally he asked about it. Dad: Who is that on the fridge. Son: Me. Dad: Hmm. that's not me. That's Jason. Son: No that's me. Dad: I promise you that's not me. I'm pretty sure that's Jason. This proceeds to go on for several more minutes until he groans and walks away","Dad: 1 Me: 0" +"If you're scared of paedophiles","Grow up" +"Even in Retail, Dad Jokes Will Find a Way. A husband and wife approached my register, and there's a variety of ways a customer will tell me they are in our rewards program. I'm in the club. I have a rewards card. Etc. There are a couple of weird ones people say, which brings us to this exchange I witnessed: > Me: hi there, did you find everything okay. > Wife: Yes, thank you. *points to my till* I'm in your computer, there. > Husband: How the *HELL* did you fit in there. > Wife: No, I meant I'm in the system. > Husband: *GASP* You didn't tell me you were ***arrested","*** > Wife: I swear to God I'm gonna hurt you" +"Why did the farmer give the pony some water","Cause he was a little “hoarse”" +"Dogs can’t operate. MRI scanners. But","Catscan" +"Dad at the zoo Heard this on at the Zoo today, for some reason I couldnt keep me from laughting. Dad: You know why flamingos stand on one leg. Son: No tell me","Dad: Well if they would stand no legs they would fall on the ground" +"My friend claims that he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography","That’s his story, and he is sticking to it" +"Ever smelled moth balls. Yeah","How'd you get your nose between their little legs" +"Why I'm leaving r/dadjokes Going for some sushi","Brb in a hour or so" +"As I gave Dad his 60th birthday card he said to me","Just one would have been fine" +"Today. I found out that there is no training to be a garbage man,","You are just expected to pick it up as you go." +"How do you get Pikachu on a bus","You Pokémon" +"My friend told me he had grown a beard","But when I saw him I realised he is a bald-faced liar" +"My wife asked me, “Could you go to the store and buy one gallon of milk and if they have avocados, get 6. ” When I came home with 6 gallons of milk, she shrieked, “Why in the world did you buy 6 gallons of milk","” I replied, “They had avocados" +"I tripped and hit my head on a snare drum","I think I have a percussion" +"My friend Ted asked me why my brother still smokes cigarettes. I told him that he was addicted","Ted responds, “I know he’s a dick but that doesn’t change the fact that they’re bad for him”" +"This boy handed me an explosive and told me that it's a real explosive. I looked at it and said, I don't believe you, kid","He said, C4 yourself" +"I was watching an Australian cooking show. When the chef made a Meringue, the audience applauded. I was genuinely surprised","Australians usually boomerang" +"Why can't Trump simply build a wall against global warming","Because it'd just climate" +"What's the best thing about elevator jokes","They work on so many levels" +"TIFU by mixing up my coworkers' sandwich orders and not giving them what they requested","Sorry, wrong sub" +"How do you get Pikachu on a bus","You Pokémon" +"My wife is gonna make a great dad someday. So my wife and I are house/petsitting for some friends of ours. They have two cats, and a ten month old German Shepard. Being ten months old, the puppy is still a little rowdy. Tonite, after we took him for a walk, we let him kind of hang out in the house. He still wanted to play, and jammed his elephant toy in my wife's face as she sat on the couch crocheting. She pulled back and he jammed it into her chest, then released and bit down to get a better grip on the toy. In doing so he just clipped my wife's *ahem* nipple. She immediately pushed the dog away and grabbed the affected area. I stood up to help, somehow, and asked her if she was okay. She looked me straight in the eye and said Yeah, it's just a little nip","I couldn't be more proud" +"Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E","Because he had a vowel movement" +"I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone","The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious" +"What did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall","Dam" +"Dadjoked my mom. Driving my mother around the kind of shady part of my neighborhood to get to bedbathandbeyond, and she notices all the body shops sprinkled everywhere. She asks, why are there so many mechanics out here. Then I go, because when people have car problems, they always check the hood first","my mom didn't get it :[" +"How did you know Satan was going to Europe","The flight from SIN to HEL vanished in Finnair" +"why'd the chicken sprint across the road","it saw a poultrygeist" +"Racked up a few points on this one. I was talking to a friend till early in the morning when suddenly there was a huge thud and it scared her, when she went to investigate she saw a very confused deer in her back yard who had somehow hit the side of the house while running from something. Her: it's seriously a deer, it looks hurt. How did it hit my house. Me: maybe he's drunk. Her: yeah, the deer is drunk. Me: yeah. he spent his last few bucks at the bar. Her: . stop","Still proud of it" +"She asked me what's the rest of your week look like. I was proud of this one. She wasn't very impressed. https://i. imgur. com/7335LGi. png EDIT: I'm a dad, and I've found that these reactions come quicker and quicker the longer I've been a father. There's something to this dad joke thing","something in our genes" +"Where did Captain Hook get his hook","From a second hand store" +"What do you call a carousel made out of iron","A ferrous wheel" +"How does Reese eat her yoghurt","Witherspoon" +"I’m working on making my second million dollars","I gave up on the first" +"Why is “dark” spelled with a K and not a C","Because you can’t C in the dark" +"A girl once told me she wanted to fuck like we were in a porno so","I arranged for my dad to marry her." +"I'm fed up of ants, and all my friends say they are too","They're sycophants" +"I was at a wedding last night, it was so emotional","even the cake was in tiers" +"Did you hear ketchup and mustard are moving in together","They're renting a condimentium" +"A fan approached. Tony. Stark and asked how does he keep himself fit","Tony replied, I run man" +"Why Did Santa Catch Herpes","Too many ho ho hos" +"In the movie Inside Out, what is Joy’s blood type","B+" +"My dad used to say, always fight fire with fire","Which is probably why he was thrown out of the fire department." +"Did you hear about the dentist that married a manicurist","They fought tooth and nail" +"How do you restrain a mentally ill country singer","Use a George Strait jacket" +"My kid loves to play with leaves. We called him","Russell" +"How did the mage learn French","With his Robes of Conjugation" +"Dad got us at dinner Brother calls asking us to order first, since he was going to be late My dad then says it's not on the menu in a disappointed voice. What isn't","my mom asks First responds my dad Groans heard all around" +"My son took the bus home yesterday, and","I'm really mad at him for it he left it blocking our driveway" +"I was going to go into a long explanation of how to access an ATM machine but","let's put a pin in that for a moment" +"Dadjoke by calculus professor. He was writing a complex problem onto the board, then stopped and said: I will write a trick on this exercise, pay attention","Then he literally wrote TRICK onto the board" +"The first thing I need to do today is check in on my stoner buddy","He is high on my list of priorities" +"Got my friends at the climbing gym. We were looking at the routes on a slab wall and. I said Falling off always sucks, but on","THAT wall, it's just a slab in the face." +"I am become Dad At work today an employee was complaining about having to wash a mirrored wall in the bar","I commented that she should be grateful for the work as it is a great time for self reflection" +"These were in an email forwarded to me from family. Bless their heart. Venison for dinner again. Oh deer. A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool . I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O. I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. Jokes about German sausages are the wurst. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. When chemists die, apparently they barium. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils. When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble. Broken pencils are pretty much pointless. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary. A thesaurus. I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx. All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough","Velcro - what a rip off" +"What do you call a computer programming condition in the movie Frozen","If, Sven, Elsa" +"Dropped this on the wife The pregnant wife and I were walking around store. Me: <picking up diaper changing pad> Do we need one of these. Wife: Why would we need one of those. Me: Because. you know","shit happens I got quite an eyeroll" +"Because of this sub. I now carry a scrap of paper in my back pocket that has the word Otherwise written on it. Last night my mom was telling me how well my daughter did in the nursery at church, i pulled the paper out and firmly stated This says Otherwise","She took out her glasses, carefully unfolded it, then started laughing while handing it to my dad" +"How do you know it's raining cats and dogs","When you step into a poodle" +"She didn't hear it the first time so I had to make it twice. Context: Getting a massage from my lady friend last night. I had a pretty rough knot in my shoulder. Her: I can't get this knot out where did it come from. Me: I must have been naughty [knotty] I started laughing. What did you say. Nothing, it was a terrible joke. 5 minutes later: Seriously, this knot wasn't there last week why is it so hard to get out. I must have been really naughty I got a groan that time, confirming she heard it. Was that the joke you said 5 minutes ago. Yes","Yes it was" +"How do you know if a tiger is male or female. Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male","If she runs it's a female" +"Who did the wizard marry","His ghoul-friend" +"Did you know french fries aren’t actually fried in France","They are fried in Greece" +"If I ate beans and you ate beans, how old would we be","I'd be farty and you'd be farty too" +"What's Forrest Gump's WiFi password","1FORREST1" +"Erik the Red had a brother named Rudolph Rudolph was talking to his wife about the weather. He said, It looks like rain. but she disagreed, It looks like snow","He responded: Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear" +"What do you call a emo carrot","An edgetable" +"Why did the French city fall off the map","It was Toulouse" +"How do you take your eggs","Over Here" +"Probably a repost. but a bear walks into a bar. he sits down on a stool, flags the bartender and says: 'may I please have. a beer. ' The bartender says, 'sure. but what's with the big pause","' The bear lifts his hands and says, 'I don't know, I've had 'em since I was a cub" +"Time flies when you're having fun","Meanwhile one frog to another, Times fun when you're having flies" +"Why do beed stay in their hives over winter","Swarm" +"I asked my girlfriend how her workout was. She said It was good, I did a Jillian Michaels. To which I replied, Wow. That's a lot of Michaels","Hahahahaha I'm so funny" +"Why did the fish blush","because it saw the boat's bottom" +"What do you call it when two guys named Jack are about to fight","A Jack off" +"Why aren’t Koalas considered bears","Cause they don’t fit the Koalafications" +"Daughter was doing science homework. Me: What is a cow's favorite elementary particle. Her:","Me: A Muon Her: Get out" +"Friend drunk texted me a dad joke","I was going to tell you a fart joke, but im too classy for that so i'll just let it pass" +"The bartender says, “we don’t serve time travelers in here","” A time traveler walks into a bar" +"Me: Dad, are you excited for the 50th anniversary of the lunar landing today","Dad: I'm over the moon" +"Got my girlfriend pretty good today So I've been dating this Jewish girl for a while, (I'm catholic) and the other day we were talking about getting dinner. The conversation went as follows. Me - I think we're picking up dinner at mi pueblo Her- I've never been there Me- It's good","Her- I'm not the biggest Mexican person though sooo Me- No, you're actually a rather small Jewish person Her-" +"Kraft Mac & Cheese is glorifying dad jokes for Father's Day I feel like I've seen a [few](https://www. facebook. com/kraftmacaroniandcheese/photos/a. 407932958266. 183121. 320312388266/10152269653803267/. type=3&theater) [of](https://www. facebook. com/kraftmacaroniandcheese/photos/a. 407932958266. 183121. 320312388266/10152294662928267/. type=1&theater) [these](https://www. facebook. com/kraftmacaroniandcheese/photos/a. 407932958266. 183121. 320312388266/10152294662928267/","type=1&theater) floating around this sub" +"What did Michael Jackson call his branch of Denim clothing","Billie Jeans" +"I stood on a shard of glass just now","It was a bit of a pane..." +"My Spanish professor got the entire class today. She was talking about how the words for animal sounds are different in Spanish (roosters go kikikuriki, etc. ) and a student asked of the animals sound different in Mexico and without missing a beat the professor just replied: Yeah","They speak Spanish" +"News: ‘Boy George’s reptile bites 5 people in one day","’ He needs a calmer chameleon" +"My dad grilled plums with dinner last night","They were tasty, but apparently they were the pits to work with" +"A clown opened the door for me today","I thought it was a nice Jester" +"Sleep is actually far more important than a lot of people think","Because at the end of the day, isn't that what it's all about" +"No one:","Literally no one: 023456789" +"So I was reading through U2 lyrics trying to remember a song of theirs that I really like","I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" +"Me and my girlfriend had sex while on an elevator","We went down on each other" +"I dadjoked my dad So me and my dad were discussing ALS, and he had said, usually people die within 5 years of being diagnosed","And I replied with Why don't people wait longer to get check their diagnosis for it if you die within 5 years of being diagnosed" +"A Cafe had the letters C A F E ad a display within reach. I rearranged them so they said F A C E. My friend put them back in order, so I said Hey that's vandalism. She said I fixed it","I replied No, you defaced it" +"TIL some antelope can jump higher than the average house","This is due to their powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house cannot jump" +"Insomnia My doctor recently asked me if I thought I suffered from insomnia or not","It was a tough decision, so I decided to sleep on it" +"Why is it dangerous to gamble with a cattle rancher","Because they're always raising the steaks" +"Luke: “Ahh I can’t eat my mashed potatoes. ” Obi-wan: “Use the fork, Luke","” This was my dad’s favorite joke when I was a kid, and we thought it was the funniest thing ever" +"I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long pole. He hates it","It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again" +"I made. Chinese for. Easter dinner. If. I had made. Japanese it would have been. Eastest","Dinner." +"I pulled one on my dad today and I'm very proud of myself","Dad: I've never seen him before (Referring to the new guy delivering our mail) Me: Do you think he's an imPOSTer" +"Dad: I think this bird wants to buy my new car. spiffy956: Wait what. Why","Dad: Because it left a deposit right here" +"Do you think that Urban Meyer. has a brother named Rural","Actually told to me at dinner tonight" +"How many skunks does it take to stink up a room","Just a phew" +"Why was the broom late for the meeting","He overswept" +"She walks into the bachelor party. “Who are you and where did you come from. ” I ask","“Idaho”, she answers" +"I used to work out at. Planet. Fitness","But i found it's atmosphere to be a bit toxic." +"My dad joke of the day at work So I work at a fertilizer plant and we have a weekly team meeting. This one maintenance guy brings in a bearing that failed the week before to show it to us. My supervisor: Ahh I see you've come with gifts. Me: No, he's come bearing gifts","Room was filled with laughter and groans" +"Two wind turbines sit in the ocean, one turns to the other and says “What music do you listen to","” The turbine says “I’m a massive heavy metal fan”" +"Did you hear about the beauty pageant at the campground","It was pretty intense" +"Why did the chicken have a seance","To get to The Other Side" +"Alexa, call","Dad What would you like me to call him?" +"What is a sheep’s favourite type of music","Euro-bleats" +"My dad has been camping in the forest for so long","He can't bear it anymore" +"My dad told me this one","Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day, set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life." +"Why does Superman hate trading Bitcoin after 7pm. Why does Superman hate trading Bitcoin after 7pm","Because it’s crypto-night" +"A mannequin at. Victoria. Secret wasn't wearing anything, but held a sign that read sale","Perhaps they were having a flash sale?" +"Elton John doesn’t like iceberg lettuce","He’s more of a rocket man" +"One line Labor Day jokes Did you hear the one about Labor Day","It works for me" +"What happens when a ghost can't pay its mortgage","Its house gets repossessed" +"Hijack. When talking about his nephew. Jack:. Dad:","Hopefully nobody says Hi to him when he's on an air plane!" +"What did the father squirrel tell his son","Acorny joke" +"What did the pirate say on his 80th Birthday","Aye Matey" +"I thought. I spotted a leopard once","But it turns out they're born that way." +"Why can't your nose be 12 inches long","Because then it'd be a foot." +"True story I was born in Detroit, and my dad told me this story about this gang in our area. Apparently as an initiation, this gang would stand on top of a bridge that an expressway went under. They had long chain; and by extending the chain low enough, they would try to bust the windshields of cars driving under the bridge. One guy took the chain and wrapped it around his arm for a better grip. Well the chain somehow got attached to someone's bumper, taking the chain with it. It ripped the guy's arm clean off. The police came, and THEY ARRESTED THE FREAKING DRIVER. Unbelievable. You know what they arrested him for","Armed robbery" +"My wife said I had no sense of direction","So I packed my bag and right" +"What's green and sings","Elvis Parsley" +"She's good at washing dishes I was washing dishes, but wasn't being quick enough so my girlfriend insisted she take over. She started washing them a lot faster. As I watched her finish washing a pan, I exclaimed: Wow, you're really fast at that","You're all like, wham-bam-thank you pan" +"Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella","Fo'drizzle" +"No one makes better eggs than my wife","Except the chicken" +"Overheard a great Dadjoke towards undecided students. An elderly couple was speaking with a college aged grandchild of theirs. They asked what he was studying for, he replied: * I don't quite know yet * Without missing a second the elderly man replied, * Ahh, going for your M. , I see","* Took the kid a while before he started blushing" +"How does the god of mischief perform his deeds","Low key" +"I used to tell dad jokes","He doesn’t laugh anymore" +"What is a Swede's favorite musical drama","A Star is Björn" +"My dad at a restaurant My dad actually just said this to a waitress: The chicken spring rolls","Can you get them at any time of the year or can you only get them in the spring" +"Have you been to conjuctivitis. com","It's a site for sore eyes" +"My wife couldn't find her phone the other day. Me: I'll just call it. Her: you can't, it's on silent. Me: well, if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it","I got smacked for that one" +"What do you call a snake that works for the government","A civil serpent" +"Gotta love that helpful dad advice http://i. imgur. com/XW3DKEr","jpg" +"Yesterday my son said “can I have a book mark","” 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Daniel" +"After hanging up some pictures. my wife and I got into a small argument","I was holding the tool I used to make sure that the pictures were hung correctly so I balanced it on top of her skull and asked her very kindly: Babe, you need to be a bit more level-headed about this" +"I looked for my scales but they'd been stolen","I was like, no weigh" +"What's a duck's favorite restaurant","Quacker Barrel" +"A woman is addicted to pretending to be a nun","She just can't lose the habit" +"I have the opposite of an amputee fetish","I am lack toes intolerant" +"I took a train once","They made me give it back" +"I told my son a chemical joke. I didn’t expect a reaction, but all he said was, “potassium” and","I am now a proud man." +"I have just been firing my laser gun in a church. Pew. Pew","Pew" +"Im terrified of elevators. So","I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them." +"Being in covid lockdown, my very angry, pregnant, wife had a sweet tooth and demanded I add doughnuts to our online grocery order. When I got to the checkout page it asked me if I wanted to leave a note for any substitute items in case they had sold out","So made a point that they doughnut substitute any, as it was a matter of wife or death" +"My wife said she noticed a hole in the garage","I told her I'd look into it" +"We're currently investigating a roll of paper towels for murder of a mysterious red liquid","I guess we should put a BOUNTY on it" +"My. Dad said his new fitbit was syncing. So. I yelled then it better learn how to swim . I could hear my","Dad laughing through a sea of groans." +"Would you like to hear a joke about paper. Never mind. It’s terrible","(As told to me by my 6-year-old niece who says she made it up but I think she’s a liar liar pants on fire" +"My first dad joke worthy of this subreddit. For our three year anniversary, the girlfriend decided we should go to this craftstore and paint/glaze some art in a kiln to remember this anniversary. I reluctantly agreed. We start browsing the examples of what other people had done and we see a mugs painted like flowers, minions, and one painted as Harry Potter. At which I said, Oh look. Harry Pottery. The laugh I got out of the worker made the trip worth it. The girlfriend was just embarrassed","I was proud" +"Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf","I haven’t heard from him since" +"Time flies like an arrow","Fruit flies like a banana" +"After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, Do you have a name yet. I said, Yes. Steve. She said, Awww. That's a lovely name. Thanks. I said","But what do you think we should call the baby" +"I got my wife a fire pit for her birthday","She was cold about it at first , but she’s warming up to it." +"Got the new kid at my job today. Trying to explain what's around his house he says, do you know Iona Lake","I reply with No I did not, but good for you man" +"If you ever go to. Portugal, you have to watch out for the local wild birds. Yup, it's full of","Portugeese." +"What happened when I jumped off a famous building in France","Eiffel" +"So I was in my room. And I saw s group of 10 ants just running frantically, I felt bad for them so I made a house out of a cardboard box. This technically makes me their landlord and they are my","Tenants" +"What's orange and sounds like a parrot","A carrot" +"I like my women how Mike Tyson likes his Skype","Clothed" +"What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles","UCLA" +"My girlfriend broke up with me because. I put on a different shirt every hour. I said “im sorry. I swear","I can change”" +"Hey, Mars, is your water running","Then you'd better go catch it" +"What's Irish and sits out on the lawn all day","Paddy O'Furniture" +"If you were born after 1945","You were literally named after Hitler" +"What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport","Squash" +"Lamb Stew Her: I'll make the lamb today, I need to put some clothes on anyway. Me: You need to wear clothes in front of the lamb","Feeling a little sheepish" +"again one of those wife-comebacks My wife and I were sitting by one of the canals in my city when a duck came flying towards us. I shouted Duck as it flew close over our heads and was really please with myself. My wife doesn't even smile so I ask if she didn't think it was funny","Her reply: I guess it went over my head" +"What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison","A small medium at large" +"Got dad joked by my two year old. Walked into the kitchen with my hammer to hang something up, What's that, Daddy. It's a hammer, buddy","What are you going to ham" +"What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket","“Some asshole has my pen" +"What do you call a chameleon who has lost its ability to change colors","A reptile dysfunction" +"How do you comfort a grammar nazi","You pat them on the back and say their, there, they’re" +"I asked a friend if they had seen Titanic They said, No, it sank","(True story)" +"What did the man say when he found out the milk man was sleeping with his wife","How dairy" +"My friend is really pissed that I made fun of his lazy eye","He is having a hard time looking at me" +"Dad: I can't believe they're still together after all of the crap they've been through. Mom: Who","Dad: My butt cheeks" +"My dad asked me how my new tennis classes were Me: Fine Dad: Getting into the *swing* of things","Me: *Groans*" +"What kind of murderer has moral fiber","A cereal killer" +"7 yr old daughter dropped this when I held up her 2 ice cream cone shaped nail polish bottles to my eyes Me: hi I'm jimmy ice cream eyes Her: hi Jimmy, you're looking sharp today. As she walked away","It's like she doesn't even have to try" +"Something's wrong with my touch screen","I can’t put my finger on it" +"We can't take our dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him","Guess that's what we get for buying a pure bread dog" +"Some people say dadjokes aren't funny. this says otherwise. ](http://i. imgur. com/Pb3wfLI","jpg)" +"I’m glad I kept working out, im finally starting to see results","I guess good things comes to those who weight" +"Why are babies so good at basketball","Because they're always dribbling" +"What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday","AYE MATEYYY" +"When restaurants open on the Moon and Mars","their food will be out of this world" +"Dadjoked by my 87-year-old grandpa My 87-year-old grandpa is very hard of hearing and usually takes just a little longer to process thoughts than most people. But he was on top of his game tonight at dinner. My mom: Alright, let's say a little grace. The moment that my mom finished saying the word grace, my grandpa said, A little grace. I guess after being a dad for over 50 years, the jokes come quicker than normal speech","Hopefully, one day I, too, will reach this mastery of the art of dadjoking" +"What has a head, a tail, but no body","A coin Source: my 7 year old sister" +"I was a tap dancer. Until","I fell in the sink" +"What do you call a boomerang that never comes back","A stick" +"Gay men","Are fucking assholes" +"If my first kid is a boy. I'm going to name him. Björn. So that when he asks why. I named him that,. I can tell him Because you are my first","Björn" +"Dad joked my coworker, hard. So at the restaurant where I work, managers are referred to as PICs (pronounced pick ). This stands for Person in Charge. Its stupid, I know. Anyway, I work in the front of house, and I hear my coworker James, who works in the kitchen, yell through the order window; I NEED TO SEE A PIC. I NEED A PIC OVER HERE. CAN I SEE A PIC. I walked over and stared at him through the order window. While maintaining eye contact I slowly inserted my finger into my nose and rotated it. He gaped at me, open-mouthed. What the fuck are you doing. You asked to see a pick","And then I laughed for like ten straight minutes while he shook his head in pity" +"Why do bicycles fall over","Because they are two-tired" +"Why did the Mexican man push his wife off the cliff","TEQUILA" +"What do you call a farting Jedi. Mace Windy","(no regrets)" +"Einstein finally developed a theory about space. It was about time too","badoom chaaaa" +"What do you call a dad balloon who can disappear","Pops" +"My Dad still has it. Mam: A woman in work can't pronounce curtains, she calls them cuntains","Dad: She sounds like an awful curt" +"Dad eats at In-N-Out Everytime we go to In-N-Out we hear the same joke: IN here, OUT later","Right kids" +"Did you hear the one about the man who had an epiphany on the john","It was a very moving experience" +"I ain’t sayin she a gold digger but she did migrate to","California in 1849." +"I had my toothbrush stolen today","The thief said 'Hand it over, Oral-B mad" +"What did the joint say when asked if it'd be at the Muscle Party","I'm a tendon" +"I had a skin problem Mom: *looking at the side of my neck* This looks like a rash. Does it itch. Me: No, I think it's just acne. Mom: I don't know. Honey, what do you think. Dad: Not sure","I don't want to make a rash decision" +"My girlfriend asked me to get my Christmas Spirit out this December So I did https://imgur","com/a/SvwzZnA" +"Oldest daughter runs into room: Dad, youngest daughter hit me for no reason. Me: Youngest daughter. You get in here and hit oldest daughter for a reason","Both: :/ :/ Edit: ok, OK, no emoji" +"How do you get to Matthew McConaughey's house","All right, all right, all right" +"Dad Joked A Sex Shop [NSFW] I was at a sex shop a while ago and they had a knock off fleshlight with an anus attachment on display","This knock off what like 4 times bigger than any flash light I have ever seen and the first this that pops into my head was That's a big ass fucking flashlight" +"What's the sexiest part of a shirt","Keanu Sleeves" +"Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer","Because he couldn’t see himself doing it" +"Terrible jewish dad joke So my dad is really into the meaning of our names and he likes to tell everyone about it. I have a sister named Aebra and he tells this awful joke about how they named her after Abraham took off the ham to make it kosher","Insert groan" +"A priest twists his ankle, what's the first thing that happens","He'sprain" +"My daughter just dropped this. My daughter is 11 and has been on a Dr. Who kick. We often exchange Yo Momma jokes with each other. Seems most kids are still using the ones we all used as kids. Today she came up with Yo momma so fat, every time she turns around there's a new Dr","Not your typical dad joke but she's getting there" +"At the aquarium when suddenly. Kids ask Daddy, why isn't the dolphin moving","I reply Because it has no porpoise in life" +"The actress who got stabbed Dad: *Did you hear about that actress who was stabbed* Me: No I didn't Dad: *I think her name was Reece something or another* Me: Witherspoon","Dad: *No dumbass, with a knife*" +"What does a clock do when it's angry","It gets *ticked off*" +"Informing my parents I'm running a marathon Me: I'm running a marathon","Dad: You're not going very fast" +"A real life dad joke was calling to me I was in my philosophy class yesterday and my professor was explaining about contradictions. He said, For example, something that's red can't be colorless. I can't think of any red thing that can be colorless","The whole time he was saying this the 45 year old inside me was screaming, a newspaper" +"My coworker got a customer good Customer: can I get a roll with light butter","Coworker: sure, we are out of dark butter anyway" +"If a comedian gets boiled for the cannibalistic tribe's dinner","Does that mean he became a laughing stock" +"The Morning After Joke The wife and I got busy last night. As soon as we woke up this morning, I say, Wow, I'm surprised that you are back already. She replies, What. And I deliver, Because I dropped you off at Pound Town last night","The morning after joke is almost as fun as the night before" +"My son laid this one on me today. We were walking past a shop in which there was a dog. DS:what type of dog is that. Me: a boxer. DS: no it's not. Me: yes it is. DS: then where's his gloves. (I know this isn't like most posts here but thought it might pass) edit: he's 12 by the way. And already all about the puns","I feel for any children he has in the future)" +"My dad used to only eat frozen turkey until i showed him how much better it was in the oven and he never ate frozen turkey again","The man quit cold turkey!" +"I’m still single on Star Wars Day","Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places" +"Do you know what to say to get gold’s attention","Say A U" +"Lately I have been lying on all of my job applications","I found them all stuffed under my mattress" +"My barber across the street recently got arrested for selling drugs","I was his customer for years, I didn't even know he was a barber" +"Just had a telephone call from a researcher asking for my opinion on wind turbines","Big fan , I replied" +"Kids: Are we there yet","Me (every time): Yes, get out" +"Dad joked my mom today We were watching Olympic swimming. Her: That was intense","Me: Actually, it was in water" +"I accidentally bought kosher hot dogs instead of regular ones","am I supposed to cut the tips off" +"Dad on the failed Romeo and Juliet remake","They were going to make it with melons instead of people but realised the main issue: If they're melons they cantaloupe" +"What do you call a Jedi doctor","OB/Gyn Kenobi" +"Do you want me to call you an uber","You're an uber" +"i tried replacing the hose, thinking that was the problem, but it didnt work well, did you replace the bros first","You know what they say: bros before hose My boyfriend proceeded to laugh to himself for several minutes" +"Why don't seagulls fly over the bay","Because then they would be bagels" +"My mom dad-joked my dad. My boyfriend told me this belonged here. Last week my dad fell on our icy driveway, giving himself a concussion, a bruised face and a broken cheekbone. After spending most of the night in the ER and many prescriptions later, this exchange occurred between my parents and the doctor. Dr. : Do you want something for that face. For the pain","Mom: No thanks, if it hurts I just won't look at him" +"A. Jamaican man has stormed into my hairdressers and demanded. I give him a new style","I'm dreading it" +"I asked someone what being gay meant to them","I never got a straight answer" +"Whoever invented these had a lot of time on their hands https://i. imgur. com/8SzXB4u","jpg" +"What's green, fuzzy and if it falls on your head it could kill you","A pool table" +"My dad's attempt at a dad joke today *At the grocery store*. Me:. Look dad, they sell. Liverwurst. Dad:. Well. I'm not buying it unless it's their. Liverbest. EDIT:. When. I told him","I put it up he chuckled to himself" +"What do you call a Chihuahua that only knows how to say hello in japanese","A konichiwahua" +"Why was the Girl Cube sad","Because the sphere told her she had a plane face" +"If at first you don't succeed","Skydiving is not for you" +"How does Al Gore program music software","By using Al Gore rhythms" +"My magnum opus. Even though the Photoshop skills are something quite atrocious. (Pic) http://imgur","com/p8zGyin" +"Got my girlfriend at a Mexican restaurant. She was still telling people about it later that night. She asked if I minded her taking some cheese dip off of my plate. I told her, Of course not","Mi queso es su queso" +"Why is the ocean always blue","Because the shore never waves back" +"15-year-old daughter tried to understand me when I exclaimed how much I like a well-seasoned skillet","You're pan-sexual" +"My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill","So I sent him a get well soon card" +"What does Dean Martin say when he sees an eel","That's a Moray" +"What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards","A receding hare line" +"What's the difference between a dog and another dog","Nother" +"I just went on my first rollercoaster","It had its ups and downs" +"I once told my friend a joke about Pokémon","He was laughing so hard, he was Koffing and Weezing" +"What did Tennessee","The same thing that Arkansas" +"What do you do when you encounter a sad Xbox","You console it" +"A scientist visited my garden and killed all my mint plants","Now they're ex-spearmints" +"What does the carpenter tell his wife before going to bed","you know the drill" +"My wife pointed to a flowering shrub and said hibiscus","I waved at it as I walked by and replied Bye-Biscus If her audible groan was not satisfaction enough, the amused chuckle of the older gentleman walking in the other direction certainly was" +"Rick Astley has a huge collection of Disney movies and he'll share any of them with you if you ask. Except for one","He's never gonna give you Up" +"How much does a pirate charge to pierce ears. Not claiming this one because my son read it to me so it may have come from Boy's Life magazine. A buck an ear","He was so proud of himself" +"How does Moses make coffee","He brews it" +"What did the pirate say when he turned 80","Aye matey" +"What do you give an elephant with diarrhea","Plenty of room" +"Someone threw a bottle of extra strength. Omega-3 capsules at me earlier today","Luckily, my injuries were just superfishoil" +"It was just plane funny. Flight attendant: can I get you a beverage, sir. Some guy: coke please Flight attendant: okay would you like it in the can. Some guy: uh, no, right here is fine","xD" +"Two guys walked into a bar","Third one ducked" +"My deaf wife just told me that “we need to talk","” That was not a good sign" +"What does a dinosaur say when another one starts eating from the same tree","Hey, I was herbivore you" +"Did you hear the one about the three holes in the ground","Well, well, well" +"Got a handjob from a blind girl","She didn't see it coming" +"Why did the can hang itself. Because it wasn't metal enough","No, because it can" +"I have the heart of a lion","And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo" +"[Driving] My wife: Hey, you missed a right. Me: Thanks babe. You Mrs","Right" +"Through the darkest hours you've been there for me, working through my mistakes, and you've always been able to provide me with answers","I love you Google" +"Dad: Son did you know you were named after Benjamin Franklin. Son: But Dad my name is Scott. How could I be named after him","Dad: He was named in 1706" +"Got a Grandpa at work tonight. I work as a server at a large chain restaurant (Applebee's), and got an old man at one of my tables tonight. Old guy: I'll take a salad, Caesar. Me: You can just call me Jeff He grinned for about 10 seconds before chuckling, and I even got his wife and granddaughter laughing with it","Mission accomplished" +"What do you call a dictator with one leg shorter than the other","Musso-lean-i" +"My dad's penguin joke Okay so two penguins are walking in the desert, see that's already funny since penguins don't live in- they're- get it- after a while one penguin looks at the other and says ''Can I walk in the middle for once","'' *bursts into laughter* >This is how he told this joke for 15 straight years" +"I saw a magician yesterday that turned audience members into wind turbines","I immediately became a big fan" +"Did you hear about the giant who threw up","It's all over town" +"I invented a new idea:","It's called plagiarism." +"What’s the most important part of a dog’s house. The woof. (pronounced like roof","No not exactly pronounced like roof but you know what I mean)" +"During a recent painful procedure at my dentist's office. It was suggested by his assistant that I keep my thoughts focused on my happy place","I said, No problem, I practice transcen-dental meditation Not even a snicker from the two of them" +"Wife and I sitting on the porch talking about how we used to get to school. She said she had car pooled most if her school days. I asked what route they took, and she mentioned a road that had a tunnel. I asked if it made her wrist hurt. She said 'No, why would it. ' my response: 'Havent you ever heard if Car Pool-Tunnel Syndrome","I have to eat dinner with the dogs tonight now" +"Failed my audition as. Romeo but my copy of the script clearly said Enter. Juliet. From","Behind" +"Have you heard that new song called 'constipation'","Of course you haven't, it hasn't come out yet" +"I have written a book on puffins","Looking back, I realize paper would have been easier" +"What did the 0 say to the 8","Nice belt" +"If dogs could have a profession, what would they be","*Roof*-ers" +"I used to not like my mustache","But now it's growing on me" +"My dad used to draw short, one panel comics all the time, back in the day. This is one of my favorites, I thought it belonged here. Titled Assault http://imgur","com/P8vQXfo" +"Today. I spotted an albino. Dalmatian. It was the least","I could do for him" +"Movie theatre are banning large bags to stop people from being in their own food","Good thing I have a few Twix up my sleeve" +"Somebody dropped their Scrabble in the middle of the road","that's the word on the street anyway" +"I didn't complete the Scadanavian languages course; I did well enough at the beginning in Danish, Swedish, and Norweigian","but I just couldn't Finnish" +"What's the cheapest concert and how much does it cost. It costs 45 Cents; the artists are 50 Cent feat","Nickel-back" +"I'll never forget what my dad told me right before he kicked the bucket. He said son, how far do you think","I can kick this?" +"Did you hear about Mickey Mouse's helicopter","Disneyland" +"Where to poor Italians live","In the spaghetto" +"3 rings of marriage A random dad walked up to my girlfriend and I just to say: You two know the three rings of marriage, right. you've got the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and","SUFFERING He then walked away smiling and we never saw him again" +"I actually had two customers come in yesterday and I said to them 'How can I help you ladies on this fantastic day. ' The one replied, 'This fantastically windy day. ' (It was super windy out. ) I told her, 'Well, it is a Windsday","' I got one chuckle and one groan :D" +"My dad gets computers I was introducing my dad to his first computer with Windows 98 (ages ago). I was showing him how he can multiple windows open for increased efficiency in dealing with files. And with a faint smile on his lips he says But won't that create a draft","/facepalm" +"Why did the banker break up with his girlfriend","He started losing interest" +"Some people are saying. Trump would be a bad president but this says otherwise","Otherwise" +"My friend accidentally dadjoked me the other day I was asking my friend about a word I couldn't remember. Me: Hey, what's a synonym for affair","(The word was scandal) Him: Carnival" +"Dad got us this morning Mom: You need to throw out this underwear. Dad: Why is that. Mom: Its got holes in it. Dad: Oh, but I need that for my visits to the Mormon church. Mom: Why would you need that at a Mormon church. Dad: Its my *holy* underwear","Me and my mom: <audible groans>" +"Getting my kite stuck in a tree is not one of my favourite childhood memories","But it’s definitely up there" +"What's wrong with Mickey Mouse's helicopter","Disneyland" +"I thought. I broke my ankle when. I tripped on the tissue box","Turns out it was only tissue damage" +"Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees","Because they are really good at it" +"Two guys were working on a house. Two guys were putting siding on a house. The first guy looks over at the second guy and watches him pick up one nail and hammer it in. Then the second guy picks up another nail and throws it over his shoulder. He picks up another nail and hammers it in. Then picks up another and throws it over his shoulder. The first guy walks over to him and asks, Hey, why the heck are you throwing those nails over your shoulder. Second guys says, They're facing the wrong way. First guys says, You idiot","We could use those on the other side of the house" +"What is brown and sticky","A stick" +"Watched my pregnant wife walk over to the fridge and pull out a bottle of Poland Springs. As she was coming back sit down I said Shouldn't you be holding that with both hands","We wouldn't want your water to break" +"A student came up to me and tried to show me a video of Steve Irwin's kids eating a piece of candy with the wrapper still on it. She asked me if I'd ever heard of an edible wrapper. I immediately responded that I think Eminem is an edible rapper. This actually just happened. True story. I'm going out on top","Later" +"If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don't","Technically, you did" +"Cut my hand opening a bottle of sparkling wine","I guess every Rosé has its thorn" +"Why are French snails faster than American ones","L’ess cargo" +"I just called my dad. Me: Hi dad, what's up. Dad: I'm talking on the phone. What are you doing","Me:" +"What do you call an academic trucker","A roads scholar" +"Why are you putting grapes on the sidewalk. , I asked my son. No raisin. , he replied","Only 6 years old and he's ready to be a dad" +"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory","All I did was take a day off" +"My dad turned 47 today. Hey dad, you should get a peacoat for your birthday. Why would I need a peacoat","I'm potty trained" +"Janitor lady asked me if I wanted to smoke pot with her, but I had to turn her down","I don't like high maintenance women" +"I'm so sick of people saying stealing is wrong","I just don't buy it" +"I hate it when people say I am average","That’s so mean" +"The tallest man in the world must be depressed","He has no one to look up to" +"My 12 year old daughter started a dad joke chain, and I finished it. Background: I have the names and birth dates of each of my two daughters on my calves. 12 year old on the right, 8 year old in the left. Today, my eldest was looking at my tats and said to the babysitter, Well, I guess I'm 'all right' with dad. The baby sitter said something to the effect of, That's silly","So I looked at my daughter, winked and said to the babysitter, Well, she *is* right" +"I work in an assembly line for Dracula figures, but there’s only two of us","I’ve got to make every second count" +"When ISIS is finally defeated","they will have to change their name to WASWAS" +"Someday we will no longer have calendars. Why","Because their days are numbered" +"I was at a restaurant and said to the waitress ”Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please","” She kicked me out and said “The men I please are none of your business" +"A man turned to me and said, “I built the Washington monument","” I replied, “you raise a good point" +"You know what really makes me smile","My face muscles" +"My dad texted me this one today","When I drink alcohol everyone says I'm an alcoholic, but when I drink Fanta nobody says I'm fantastic" +"Can I have a roll. I dunno if anyone else's dad pulled this on them, but mine pulled this on me ALL THE TIME as a kid who enjoyed eating bread rolls. Me: Can I have a roll. Dad: Sure, get on the floor","Sly bastard" +"Jokes about fences","are borderline funny" +"My coworkers are like christmas lights,","Half of them dont work and the other half arent that bright." +"why did the man urinate into a kettle full of dried fruit","He wanted to go on a hot date" +"Wife just came in with some tea, perfect time for a dad joke She came in, smiled, and said tea time. So of course I said 'oh I didn't know we were going golfing. ' She smacked me","Dad joke level: successful" +"I heard. Stevie. Nicks had a drug problem. But. I guess they were just","Rumors." +"My 3 year old son said: 'put my shoes on'","I told him, I think my feet are too big." +"Just now at Cracker Barrel. I don't even have a kid. Wife ordered a house salad with her meal at cracker barrel, along with her salad came the grossest looking restaurant crackers we've ever seen, package was busted and cracker crumbs were falling out, they looked like they had been soggy at some point. I say to her well, as far as crackers go, I'd say those came from the bottom of the Barrel","she laughed" +"How did Hitler write Mien Kampf while in prison","It was a struggle" +"The furniture store banned me from ever coming in after. I called them. All. I said is that","I wanted one night stand." +"There was a kidnapping at the library. I was standing in the lobby of the movie theater after Star Wars today and this old man walks up to me and says Did you hear about the kidnapping at the library. I said What. and he asked again if I heard about the kidnapping at the library. I said I hadn't heard about it and the old man said They woke him up. and just walked off. No grin. No laugh. No expression","Just walked off" +"And would you like the soup or salad. Eh, I'm not hungry enough for the super salad","I'll just have a side salad instead" +"A limbo champion walked into a bar","He was disqualified" +"A customer got me real good with this one. Yesterday, joking around with a regular customer of mine, he asks me if I knew about the early days of the Indianapolis 500. I make up some BS about how, in the olden times, they ran the race on cows. He comes back today, the following convo takes place. Customer- Remember how you told me the Indy 500 was raced on cows. Me- Yeah Customer- I guess that's why they call it steering","He followed it up with- Let's not get into blowing the horn" +"I've just heard that the Japanese have made ice cream that tastes like instant noodles","They're calling it ramen raisin" +"The doctor just told me I have large mineral deposits on my eyes","It explains why I'm always taking things for granite" +"Dad has created a new invention","It's a belt made out of watches, mum says it's a waist of time" +"My Taiwanese boss is a real go getter but often has difficulty expressing his emotions effectively","I guess you could say he has a Taipei personality" +"What is a stoners favorite type of pie","Pot pie." +"My girlfriend's mother is a dad joke master","Me and my girlfriend planned on going to eat at Chili's as we left her mom told us be sure to bring a jacket to stay warm." +"What book do Mexican students read in English class","Tequila mocking bird" +"Why is the glass at the Mac store always so dirty","They don't do Windows" +"Did you hear Steve Harvey and his wife got into a fight","It was a family feud" +"I don’t always tell dad jokes, but when","I do, he laughs." +"I read a book about a boy who would eat literally everything","All the interesting stuff was in the appendix" +"How does a penguin build it's house","Igloos it together" +"I went to high school with a Buzzfeed writer, and I remember him offering me $20 to hang out with him and his friends","Turns out it was Clique bait" +"Dad called to say he's picking me up in his new Civic","He said he's honda way" +"Got one of my housemates I live with 3 other guys, and we all got home within 15 minutes or so earlier today, with me getting home first. I live on the second floor of a house, and the entrance is on the first. Housemate 1 is standing outside the door to my room talking to me when housemate 2 gets home. Housemate 2 asks (up the stairs) what housemate 1 is up to","Me: The second floor" +"Asked my dad to put this drink where my mom was sitting. His response: So my dad made a visual joke about my request. First time posting in this sub so I hope it's appropriate. http://imgur","com/7Ls8pt3" +"The past the present and the future walk into a bar","It was a tense situation" +"TIL: In the 1930s, the Italians developed an engine fuel technology that used household spices. It’s true","Mussolini made the trains run on thyme" +"Why did the coffee file a police report","It got mugged" +"That super bowl was so good. It was the best one","I've seen all year" +"We all know where the. Big. Apple is but does anyone know where the","Minneapolis?" +"What's the similarity between pessimists and people with a phobia of sausages","They both fear the wurst" +"I asked my dad if he just got a new haircut Him: [Holding one hair] Yes","I just got this one cut" +"What kind of fish is made of only two Sodium atoms","Tuna" +"I'm watching the World Cup **Not because I enjoy soccer","I’m just doing it for the kicks" +"My uncle's favourite dad joke","Every single time he drives past the cemetery he says 'People are dying to get in there!'." +"I baked you a π","The flavours are endless" +"I tried to season my belt","It turned out to be a waist of thyme" +"Did you know that Shakespearė once sold off-season discount camping supplies","It was the winter of his discount tents" +"I used to have an addiction to soap","But I’m clean now…" +"Last year for Christmas I got my little brother an abacus in the shape of a medieval Stronghold. He hated it and was really ungrateful. Our dad said Hey","It's the fort that counts" +"The invention of the shovel","Was groundbreaking" +"You could say German cities with a lot of people are","krauted" +"Dad joked a girl in my class, teacher lost it. Girl: I can't see it I don't have 20/20 vision","Me: neither do I, I can't see 5 years into he future" +"What do neanderthals do on Friday night","Go clubbin" +"Dad I've got a hole in my *sock Dad: well that's better than having a *sock in your hole","*sock used as example, other objects have similar groaning power" +"Did you know that people in Athens hate waking up early","It's because Dawn is tough on Greece" +"Why does Irish bean soup have 239 beans","1 more & it'd be 'too farty'" +"I didn't know I'd turned down the wrong street in Mexico","Til I got pulled over for wrong direction on a Juan way street" +"I suddenly lost hearing in my left ear","But when I went to the doctor, he said my hearing was alright" +"Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on cheese and crisps","He died of nacho-ral causes" +"What did the green traffic light says to red traffic light","Don't look, I'm changing" +"What’s the only word that’s spelled incorrectly in the dictionary","Incorrectly" +"How are wasps posers","They're wanna-bees" +"My wife: Your eyes are so pretty, I hope at least one of our kids get your eyes","Me: Well I was hoping I could keep them for myself but whatever" +"I was thinking about getting a new job at a mirror construction facility","It's a job I could really see myself doing" +"Just finished watching the dark knight rises. So we finished watching the dark knight rises and my friend says cat woman was pretty selfish in that movie, at least she came back to help in the end and my other friend replied She really. Bale'd out of of that movie about. Hathaway through . Got to admit","I thought it was pretty damn clever" +"What do you say to a Texas man driving a German car","Audi" +"My friend caught hypothermia while painting outdoor scenes in Northern Canada","Everyone thinks he needed a second coat" +"Is an argument between two vegans","still referred to as a beef" +"I asked a few people if they want to get naked and then handed them this. http://m. imgur","com/66XwGlO" +"My wife and I were discussing the breastfeeding of our daughter","My wife said I don't wanna ween her I said Baby, you don't have a wiener" +"Husband doing crosswords with his wife. Husband: emphatic no, five letters. Wife: never. H: pistol, three letters. W: gun. H: disgust, three letters. W: ugh. H: charity, four letters. W: give. H: female sheep, three letters. W: ewe. H:. Pixar movie, two letters. W:","Up" +"Dad joked my gf The other day we were in the car talking and she was talking about how everyone in her family yells about everything. She said my mom yells, my dad yells, my nana yells, and my pawpaw yells. I couldn't resist, I said I guess you could call them","An old yeller laughed uncontrollably for about 5 minutes while she just started at me" +"My wife told me not to steal kitchen utensils","But it was whisk I was willing to take" +"What do you call a fish with ten eyes","Fiiiiiiiiiish" +"Dads have some pretty good physical jokes, too. http://i. imgur. com/BWAHZzK. gif From /r/gifs, [here](http://www. reddit","com/r/gifs/comments/277hoc/one_of_the_greatest_dad_pranks_of_all_time/)" +"Why does the pastry smell of weed","Because it's baked" +"I was terrified of gardening","But I finally decided to grow a pear" +"I think you all would enjoy today's SMBC comic http://smbc-comics","com/comic/say-my-name-2" +"My son jumped out from behind a door and yelled “boo. ” He asked, “Did I scare you. ” I said, “No. But Was that your ghoul","” He just groaned" +"What do you call a chicken staring at some lettuce","Chicken Caesar Salad" +"What do you call a walking stick that makes you walk faster","A hurricane" +"Why don’t you buy a Mustang","Because I can’t afford it" +"Why isn't Dark spelled like Darc instead","Because You can't c in the dark" +"What do you call a singing computer","A dell" +"What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer","A hooker can wash her crack and resell it" +"My snow house kept falling apart","so igloo it together again" +"How do you top a car","Tep on the brake, tupid" +"What do you call an exam that tickles","A testicle" +"I don't think Jeremy Clarkson or Richard Hammond know what they're doing","But James May" +"What do you call a Texan in an Audi","Howdy" +"I love the rotation of the. Earth,","It really makes my day." +"Got my boss today. My boss recently published his first book and said Things have been a lot different since my book has been released , to which","I responded sounds like you are starting a new chapter in your life." +"Do you guys remember that 'One Hit Wonder' Gotye guy","One could say that he's now somebody that we used to know" +"I kept telling my son the same joke while we were building chairs","I was up in arms that he looked board, but I nailed it eventually" +"Dad joked my prom date Prom was really shitty and I felt out of place. Everyone was in line at the shitty buffet. First thing there was a roll followed by little cups of an unknown thing. Other Person: Is this butter","(Asking everyone in line) Me: It butter be Groans from everyone" +"Did you hear about the new type of broom","It's sweeping the nation" +"My coworker is a dad, and practices on us Coworker: how do you make an octopus laugh. Me:*cringe* how","Coworker: Ten tickles" +"How to walk. Step one. Step two. Step three","Step four" +"A satisfactory dad-joke. At the shopping centre with the family, driving around the carpark looking for a space. Me: How about that one. The wife: Yeah, that ones satisfactory. Me: That's where they make satises. The joke, going over the wife's head: *Whooosh. * The wife: What. Me: Satises. At a satis factory","*Cue groaning" +"What happens when two bibliographies go on a date","Love at first cite" +"The opposite of a firefly","Is a waterfall" +"The past, the present and the future all walk into a bar at the same time","It was a tense situation" +"What's Forest Gump's Facebook Password","1forest1" +"Dogs aren't able to perform. MRIs","Only catscan." +"Rename our city Preface: We live in a city called Red Deer. Wife: It has been raining a lot for the past few weeks here. Me: Ya you're right. We should rename this city to Reindeer","Wife: smh" +"At WORK we have a PRINTER we've nicknamed BOB MARLEY","He's always JAMMIN'" +"Why aren't there knock knock jokes about the USA","Because freedom rings" +"Son: Dad, did you know that 1 out of 5 children in the world still face hunger","Dad: Why isn’t anybody turning the 5th kid around" +"What’s a librarians favourite food","Shhhhhhish kabobs" +"What do call a person that minds the chicken coop","A Chicken Tender" +"Why can't you run through a campsite","(Alternate ending) Because the stakes are too high" +"I married a pen a few years ago. It's a mistake","I cant erase" +"Why was the ghost throwing up at the party","Too much boos" +"So two guys, Mike and John, worked for a remodeling company. One day, while working on new walls, Mike knocked over a bucket covering John with its contents. Later, when they return to the office, their boss pulls John aside and asks what happened to him, the conversation was as follows: Boss- What the hell happened to you guys today","John- Well, Mike kicked the bucket, then I got plastered" +"Got dad joked at the bookstore where I work today I work at a large retail bookstore, and my job is basically just to wander around and help people find what they're looking for. Yesterday I spotted an older gentleman looking lost, so I asked him if he needed help finding anything. Yeah, the new Dr. Seuss one, whatever it is. So I led him to the kid's section where we have a whole display for *What Pet Should I Get*. This one's been really popular, as you can guess, I said as I grabbed one off the display for him. As I did so, a few of the books behind it toppled off the display and onto the ground. Yeah, he said, I can see they're just flying off the shelves. I laughed for a few minutes and he left with his book and the look of satisfaction that only comes from a top-tier dad joke. **Edit**: Oops. Put 'today' in the title but it rly happened yesterday. Sorry",":x" +"Autocorrect changes fucking to ducking because it knows you want to use fowl language","It was suggested I post here" +"A server where I bartend was losing an argument with our boss. Boss: She's admitting defeat. Me: Much like a podiatrist's receptionist","An older guy down the bar started laughing his ass off" +"Ive been reading books about fans","It really blew me away" +"Who is the greek god of skating","Radicles" +"When does a sandwich cook","When it’s bakin’ lettuce and tomato" +"I failed my calculus exam because I was seated in between two identical twins","I couldn’t differentiate between them" +"I decided to make my own furniture","Sofa it is going well" +"My 2. 5 yo got me. After a day at the air show with out a nap. Me, Are you tired","Her, No, I Helen" +"What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi","The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabi do" +"What did the hat hat say to the hat","You go on ahead, I'll cover you" +"I call my junk London. Town . Cuz it's way on down","South" +"What animal is always one E from becoming food","Snake" +"Which months have 28 days","All of them" +"Doing biology revision when Dad walks in. *Doing work on hormones* **Dad:** Oh, so do you know how to make a hormone. **Me:** Um","**Dad:** Don't pay her" +"My buddy said he threw a stick five miles and his dog managed to find it and bring it back","Seems a bit far-fetched" +"My grandma has this crazy idea about an apple that’s sour and way better than any other apple","But we just call that Granny’s myth" +"When food shopping, my wife always makes me pay for the egg whites","but the yolk's on her" +"Apple was responsible for the downfall of man. The first time was with a snake conning the earth's entire population","The second time a Steve trying to do the same thing" +"A man broke his leg in three places. He went to his doctor for advice","“Stop going to those places" +"My roommate just told me. Im a narcissist. I said no,","Im better than that" +"A joke I made just before a test in math I turned to a friend next to me: Will you tell me the answers if I don't know something. No. I was counting on you","Now I have to use my hands" +"Who took the nurse's rectal thermometer","Some asshole" +"3 Year old daughter has me beat, so proud of her Yesterday, while eating dinner - my 3 year old daughter wanted a kiss from her mother. Daughter: I want a kiss. My daughter then proceeds to give her mom a kiss. Me: I want 2 kisses. Daughter then kisses her mom again. Me: I want 3 kisses. Kisses her mom again. Me: I want 4 kisses. She grabs her fork and puts it to my mouth, and says fork kiss. And laughs. I'm so proud of her","hahahhaha Edit: formatting (on mobile)" +"Before becoming famous as an escape artist, Harry Houdini focused more on disappearing acts. He performed this using a complex set of trap doors","But it was just a stage he was going through" +"Coffee","isn't my cup of tea" +"Thank you. /r/dadjokes has brought me such joy and so much laughter over the years. The simple humor of it all has just put a smile on my face through even the worst times. That's why with a heavy heart I must say good bye to you all. I've enjoyed the reddit community, most you guys. But I unfortunately will be leaving reddit and /r/dadjokes and I won't be able to return until next year","Farewell everybody" +"Fed you hear about the guy who lost his left side","He's all right now" +"My name is David and I want to name my son Harley. That way when someone is asking who that kid is, someone can say, “that’s Harley, Davidson","” (This really something I’m considering btw)" +"What's the hardest country to hold","Greece" +"What did E. Ts mother say to him when he got home","Where on Earth have you been" +"Why do cows wear bells around their necks","Because their horns don’t work" +"My dad, type 2 diabetic, after 11 months of suffering chemo/radiation treatment for pancreatic cancer, 5 months after he was told the surgery failed and it was terminal. Brother reads off the back of a Sweet'N Low packet . been determined to cause cancer to laboratory animals Dad snaps back Bullshit. I've been using that stuff for years and. (looks at 13 scar across his stomach from whipple procedure to remove tumors, looks back at family for effect) oh. shit. Never lost his great attitude towards life, family, and people in general","Always quick with a joke/dad joke until the end" +"To be frank","I'd have to change my name." +"I don't understand why so many people hate the. Night. King from. Game of. Thrones","He looks pretty chill to me" +"Where does 007 invest his money","In the bond market" +"My 5-year-old niece is a little shit. We were celebrating my other niece's 2nd birthday, when my 5-year-old niece comes up to me and says, Hey Uncle, wanna play a game. Sure. What game. You pick a letter and I say three words that start with that letter. Since it was her sister's birthday, I picked B , assuming that she’ll probably say Birthday . She was like, Okay… B. BB. I sat there for a second in a moment of defeat. Yes. Those are all words. You little shit. ------------------------------------------- Edit for the Dad-impaired: Be. Bee. BB. 2nd Edit: Awesome. Each of my nieces got me to the top of this sub. [Here's the one about the 2-year-old. ](https://www. reddit","com/r/dadjokes/comments/29jykt/baby_gender_reveal_at_my_family_reunion/)" +"There was an accident in the Paleontology section of a Natural History Museum where multiple dinosaur skeletons collapsed and were broken beyond repair. The directors of the museum were concerned that visitors wouldn't visit that section anymore","but visitors still showed up to view the Tyrannosaurus Wrecks" +"What does a house wear","Address" +"When Gandalf was asked why his company was so successful","He gave all the credit to his incredible staff" +"My wife and I were buying juice","and it dawned on me: No wonder our kids have ADD, all of our juice is Not From Concentrate" +"Did you hear about the guy who lost the entire left of his body","He's all right now" +"Did you hear about the guy who herds young goats","He's great with kids" +"Why did the sailor go shopping","Because they were having a sale" +"I saw Barenaked ladies in a concert back in the 90's","I don't remember what band was playing though" +"How do you say 'my birthday is' in Spanish. I have a fairly strict rule about only speaking in Spanish in my class, especially when asking ¿Cómo se dice. or How do you say. So, when a student asked me in English, How do you say 'my birthday' in Spanish. I responded: With my lungs, larynx, lips, tongue, and teeth. The class blinked for two seconds before groaning in unison. She then asked the question, correctly, en español","But, I think I now understand why cats purr" +"What's the Best Material to Use on Dirty Jobs","Mike Rowe Fibers" +"I'm dating a feminist Israeli","She insists I call her a Shebrew" +"Why did the number of boats owned in Livermore suddenly drop. (x-post /r/Livermore) Because we went from fishin' to fusion. I was told this may go over well here","The door's over there, right" +"Alcohol doesn't make you fat. It makes you LEAN","against tables, chairs, floors and ugly people" +"What do you call a plant that beef grows on","A bovine" +"Me: Know what Thanos says when he finds a rotten fruit in his garden. My kids: Ugh. It is","Inedible" +"How does the moon cut it's hair","Eclipse it" +"I heard the. USSR is reforming. And they’ll be calling themselves the. Soviet","Reunion" +"What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer. The taste","This is one of my dad’s favorite jokes to tell, he passed away two years ago, miss you a lot dad" +"What’s the difference between erotic and kinky","For erotic you use a feather and for kinky you use the whole damn chicken" +"My dad said this when I got back from the beach. Dad: Hey, are you tan from the sun. Me: . I guess. Dad: Well hi. I am Dad from Earth","He then proceeds to laugh for a solid 5 minutes" +"I offered to pay for my good friend’s lunch and he said “Are you sure man","” I’ve known him for 15 years and he still got my name wrong" +"Why was the dad dissapointed in his son for majoring in Computer Science","The son had a C++ on his grades" +"Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France","There was nothing left but de Brie" +"What do birds like dipping their tortilla chips in","Squacamole" +"My daughter said, This fork is tiny","I replied, Well, all forks are tine-y" +"Dad dropped this one on my stepmom. *me and my stepsister are going to the movies* Stepmom: Text us when you're on your way back. Dad: Texas. They're only going to the movies","*groan*" +"What do you do if you see a spaceman","Park in it man" +"As we get into the truck, my dad says this *moving around uncomfortably* oh jeez, it feels like I'm sitting on something. Oh wait","Its my ass" +"Got my wife with this classic gem. http://imgur","com/OdIv0uU" +"Told my dad that my Calculus test was intense. Dad called me today, I live across the country and he still gets me. Me: I just finished my Calc 2 test, it was really intense. Dad: Intense. That sounds horrible I would have figured the university could atleast provide you with classrooms. Me: . Him: . cause you know- Me: Yup got it dad, we weren't inside a tent He continued to laugh until I changed the subject","God dammit" +"What do you call a short doctor","Doctor too-little" +"I've never been wrong in my entire life","I thought i was once, but i was mistaken." +"Easter gatherings gave many opportunities, this was the best. My mother: Does my jacket smell like mothballs to you. Uncle: I don't know, have you ever smelled mothballs. Mother: yes they're terrible. Uncle: really. how did you get them to spread their legs","Nearly choked on my funeral potatoes" +"Why do all of the vegetables like to hang around with the mushroom. Because he's a fun-gi. My dad has been telling that joke at restaurants my whole life","Saluti dad" +"Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella","Fo drizzle" +"I got a new dry erase board at work","It's remarkable" +"If the USA is so great","Why did they invent the USB" +"Walked up to the receptionist at the clinic today to check in for my appointment. She asked: Which Doctor","I said, no - the normal doctor" +"How did the witch-doctor label his voodoo dolls","With a Black-Magic marker" +"Pure grade-A dad joke straight from the source-my dad He texts me what's for dinner tonight. I reply I'm making falafel from scratch","He says: I thought it was from chickpeas not scratch" +"Do you know what happens when you crack an egg","It becomes a shell of its former self" +"There were two cows sitting in a field. The first one says mooo","The second one goes ahh damn, I was gonna say that" +"How can you lift an elephant with one hand. Don't worry about it","You'll probably never find an elephant with just one hand" +"Did you hear about the sarcastic weightlifter","He liked to pump irony" +"What did Han solo said when he lost his virginity","I just got leia-d" +"Geology rocks","But geography is where it’s at" +"Why are they called the armed forces","Because it's hard to fight a war with just your legs" +"A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me","It was a ram-done act of violence" +"I love nighttime","I think the whole world is de-light-ed" +"A legend My friend showed me this subreddit and said I would be a legend here","I told him it didn't look much like a map" +"If you ever encounter an ungrateful person from. France","Show him no merci" +"Here is my dads riddle. If there's 30 cows and 28 chicken, how many didn't. 10 My dad though this one was great","The pun really depends on the delivery and the fact that it works better when you speak it but I still felt like it needed to be here" +"This subreddit is notfunny https://www. reddit","com/r/notfunny/" +"Every time we go out to dinner. Dad: Hey (insert waiter/waitress name here) there's a problem with my drink. Waiter/Waitress: Oh, what's the problem. Dad: This one has a hole in it","<proceeds to hand her empty beer>" +"How do ghosts watch movies","boo-ray" +"What do you call a bee from America","A USB" +"What goes hahaha thud","Someone laughing their head off" +"What do you call a killer who stabs people in the head","A Cerebral Killer" +"The expression Red sky at morning, sailors take warning is really foreboding. Get it","For boating" +"An American man went to Germany for a vacation. As he arrived, he decided to go fishing, so he did. But tragedy struck and his boat hit a rock, making a hole. The man, as anyone would do, called the coast guard and yelled IM SINKING IM SINKING","the German Coast Guard casually replied, what are you sinking about" +"I got an email saying At Google earth, we read maps backwards. I thought","That's just spam" +"Just saw an advert in the local newspaper ACCOUNTANT NEEDED","£35,000 - £40,000 So I rang them and said, The answer is -£5,000 Wonder if I'll get the job" +"My. SO was wearing mismatched socks yesterday. Dad - Oh,","I bet you have another pair just like that at home!" +"Build a man a fire and you’ll keep him warm for the night","Set a man on fire and you’ll keep him warm for the rest of his life" +"What do you call a burning one dollar bill","A hot single in your area" +"Have you heard the rumor about butter. No","Sorry then, I shouldn't spread it" +"Knock knock Who's there. Dishes. Dishes who","Dishes Sean Connery" +"I’m living willfully ignorant","Whatever that means" +"What spice do Koreans like most","Korean-der" +"What is the musical equivalent of a lead balloon","A Led Zeppelin" +"Nothing says 'I'm a mute'. Quite like","well, nothing" +"I had terrible internet connection on my farm till I moved the modem to the barn","Now I have stable wifi" +"Skeleton walks into a bar","He orders a beer and a mop." +"Why are kleptomaniacs so bad at puns","They take things literally" +"My friend wrote a children’s version of “Catcher in the Rye","” It’s called, “My little Phony" +"Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E. Because he had a vowel movement","I'm 28 and came up with this myself, not a dad yet" +"I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent","I was charged with draft\-dodging" +"I went for a job as an insect sorter. I thought the interview went well","They said I boxed all the right ticks" +"Have you ever had Jewish coffee","Israel good" +"I'm having trouble finding a gym I like","I think I should start to weigh my options" +"Pete and Repete went down to the river","Pete fell in, so who was left" +"My wife asked me if I saw the mist on the pond behind our house this morning","I said, No I mist it" +"Warning:. NSFW. Said the","OSHA inspector" +"What's blue and not heavy","Light blue" +"I once dated the worlds tallest woman","It was over quickly as we never saw eye to eye." +"Futurama http://i. imgur. com/tSen010","jpg" +"Why doesn't anyone make jokes about mobuis strips","They just go on and on and on and on" +"Wanna see a dad joke about Zelda. [Link:](https://imgur","com/gallery/9ONUy)" +"Homophones make you an easy target As I'm getting into my dad's truck, I hit my knee on the glove compartment. Dad: What did you hit. Me: (guestures to the glove compartment) I just kneed this","Dad: …but it's mine" +"Did you hear the joke about the convicted criminal","It's a killer" +"So: Did you get a haircut","Me: No, I just got my ears lowered -I was proud, I got a groan and an eye roll:)" +"Coat of Arms [Couldn't get this out of my head so I drew it](https://imgur","com/gallery/NRk1TRh)" +"What do you do when you accidentally tear Lord Elrond’s woven cloak","Hugo Weaving" +"I saw Taken 3 last night. Dad: What movie did you see last night. Me: Taken 3. Dad: How was it. Me: It was alright, I wouldn't really call it Taken. Dad: More like borrowed, huh","Dad proceeds to crack up by himself for the next 2 minuts" +"I've always wanted to be a plumber","But it's just a pipe dream" +"What's Irish and sits out on the lawn all day","Paddy O'Furniture" +"My wife gets turned on by shopping","It seems she's buy-sexual" +"I got Inside a vacuum chamber once","It was breath taking" +"A semi colon committed a crime","He was given 2 consecutive sentences" +"My interviewer asked if I could preform under pressure","I said no, but I can do a good Bohemian Rhapsody" +"Where do russians get their milk","From Mos-cows" +"I once read a history of. General. Motors","It was more like an autobiography" +"I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance","Unfortunately she blew it" +"What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino","Eleph-i-no" +"Dad's thoughts on landscaping in the hood. We were sitting around the dinner table talking about buying some trees to plant in the lawn this fall. Dad says: We need some thug trees. We all give him a puzzled look and ask what on earth he means by that","His reply: I hear they're very shady" +"Want to hear a joke about paper","Nevermind it's tearable" +"Bathroom humour. If you go into the washroom american, and come out of the washroom american, what are you inside the washroom","European" +"My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name. I said, Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize","Why would anyone pick on you" +"How do you punish a blind person effectively","Put them in a circular room and tell them to sit in the corner" +"This is not a drill. This is an impact wrench","<holding wrench>" +"Why are gardeners such pessimists","They're always worried about their fuschias" +"To the guy that invented zero:","Thanks for nothing." +"A solar panel is talking to a wind turbine and asks, So what do you think about this whole renewable energy thing","The turbine replies, I'm a big fan" +"What is the worst animal to deliver a lecture","A boar" +"Cleaning the tent A few days ago I set the tent up outside to clean it out. Yesterday my son's friend noticed I had missed a tent peg and let me know. I looked at him and said, I guess that was a big missed stake. He just rolled his eyes as I laughed","Edit: how do you not know him" +"A small US state is trying to hack into a computer technology company's system","I think we ought to make Delaware" +"A kid named Dexter Wife: One of my friends just named their kid Dexter. Would you ever name a kid Dexter","Me: Yeah, that's a killer name" +"Why is baby Superman vulnerable at night","Because he sleeps in his crib tonight" +"Do you know what is the most religious chord","Gsus" +"What do you get when you cross and elephant and a rhino","Elephino" +"Does this count as a dad joke Dad: *after using my headphones*What did your headphones cost. Me: You shouldn’t get them, you’ll become deaf. Dad: What. Me: Don’t get them, you’ll get deaf. Dad: What","Me: DON’T GET THEM- oh Dad: laughs like he’s cool" +"A friend said Ugh,. I'm over this snow","Better than under it!" +"I told my dad, “Did you know that 1 out of 5 kids today faces hunger","” Dad: Someone should turn that 5th kid around" +"How does. Moses make coffee","Hebrews it" +"I tried tying my shoes today","I could knot" +"Do you want to hear a joke about a pizza. Nah","It's too cheesey" +"When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body","Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts" +"My father-in-law got my 3-year-old son My in-laws were over and playing with my son. My father-in-law put a small bucket on his head like a hat","He looked at my son and asked, Does this hat make me look pail" +"Why did the butcher not get promoted","He didn’t make the cut" +"It all","The title says it all" +"At first i didn't like my beard","But it's growing on me" +"You know those Americans who form patrols to stop Mexicans getting into the country","I think they're borderline racists" +"What kind of music does Bernie Sanders listen to","Progressive Rock" +"Have you ever taken a road trip to the Seagate factory","It's a hard drive" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school","It’s ok, he woke up" +"My daughter told me it was too cold in the house and she couldn't do her math homework. I told her to go sit in a corner","They're all 90 degrees" +"What do you call an unvaccinated kids in a swimming pool","Water polio" +"I took this girl I was seeing out for some Indian food today. Not being well-acquainted with Indian food, we ordered an appetizer at random. It was deep fried and we couldn't really tell what was in it. Her: For all we know, we could be eating chicken eyes right now. Me: Nah, I'm pretty sure I know how they *look*. She sighed, but failed in stifling her smile","I'm only twenty two, but I can feel the dadforce growing in me" +"So our conductor got us today in rehearsal *While marking the role,* Him: Is John here. Me: He'll be late. He's at a fencing competition. Him: That's fine","I won't let it cause me a fence Cue groaning" +"My boyfriend dropped this on me when we were talking about wedding rings. My boyfriend and I were casually talking about weddings and the topic of wedding rings/bands came up. I asked him what kind of wedding band he would want; gold, platinum, etc","He looked thoughtfully at his ring finger and said, A Mariachi band" +"A man walks into a bar, orders a glass of beer, and stares at the bartender for a long time to make her uncomfortable. The bartender says, “Take a pitcher","It’ll last longer" +"What do you call a cow with long legs","high steaks" +"When you walk into wood, and your eyesight's no good","That's a door, eh" +"3 Dads R's son was on the HS fencing team. Now at College. Me: Is B on the fencing team in college. R: No. He competed in only a couple of events his Sr. year in HS. G: So he didn't stick with it. Me: If you don't keep up you get rusty. R: He lost his edge","Me: I get the point" +"What kind of bagel can fly","A plane bagel" +"If. I die from hypothermia. Please just let everyone know how cool","I was" +"My mom got the family with a home run My family was discussing the cubs winning the world series in 2016. Me: I'm so bummed that it was just one year off from the back to the future prediction","Mom: Well, at least it was in the ballpark" +"Girlfriend and I were out to dinner last night. We were eating and she noticed that the forks had one fewer prong than normal. She said, Don't forks usually have four prongs","So I replied, I guess these are only threeks" +"I used to be a member of the secret cooking society","But they kicked me out for spilling the beans" +"Boycott shampoo","Demand real poo" +"Here's a brilliantly groanworthy one that's in the spirit of the season. A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation. I think it’s raining, says the man. No, it’s snowing, replies the woman. How about we ask this Communist officer here. He is always right. exclaims the man. Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing. Definitely raining, Officer Rudolph replies before walking off. The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See","Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear" +"Got my co-worker We work in a grocery store and at night we face the product on the shelves so that it looks nice. When she showed up we were on the Hispanic food aisle. She walked up and I could tell something was wrong, so I asked her how things were going. She mentioned some things about her boyfriend and didn't sound to pleased. Holding back laughter, I held up a box of taco shells and said: Do you wanna taco-bout it","She groaned and told me to stop making her laugh because she wanted to be mad" +"What do you call it when a guy tries to sneak peeks at a girl's cleavage. Cleavesdropping. Shoutout to my wife for dropping this one on me. Edit: About 6 people have responded with peek a boob already","I applaud the effort, but to me that would be better nickname for nip slips" +"My wife keeps saying to put down the bag of dirt I'm holding","But I'm keeping my ground" +"Grandad Heard these from my barber today, didn't know what to say lol. My Grandad could never throw things away, he died in WW2 still holding on to his grenade. When my grandad was dying my grandma smeared his back in goose fat","He really went down hill fast after that" +"My wife said she wanted to take a shower, which hurt","I'm a grower not a shower" +"A Blonde Joke My boyfriend and I had just pulled a pizza out of the oven, and he asked me how many pieces he should cut it into. Grinning and smooth as can be, I laid this blonde joke on him (I am naturally medium blond) Oh, cut it into 6, I could never eat 8","The look of WTF was priceless" +"I have a chicken proof lawn…","Its impeccable…" +"I thought. I was going crazy when. I heard my computer singing to me. But then. I realized it’s a","Dell." +"My teacher got a class of Y8s today One of them asked has the bell gone. - as in has the lesson ended yet","He responded no it's still there" +"The coin machine in the factory stopped working","It made no cents" +"What did Earth say to the other planets","Wow, you guys have no life" +"The police dog training school was broken into last night","they have no leads" +"Just a few one-liners my dad thought up tonight Parallel lines struggle to make ends meet . Decapitated man can't get ahead","Reformed junkie encouraged to get back on the horse" +"Why do you never trust the hulk to do your homework","Because he is incredible" +"My wife, daughter and I had just finished having breakfast . when my wife says she's just going to Duck into the shower. ME: What do Ducks do in the shower","Wash their quack" +"Why do they put fences around cementeries","Because people are dying to get in" +"I got an email from. Google. Earth saying it can “read maps backwards” and","I thought “That’s just spam.”" +"What did the football field say to the universe. Why the long space. This jokes should be a follow up to What did the horse say to the elephant","Why the long face" +"I couldn’t figure out where","I threw my boomerang then it hit me" +"Pancake Puns So I was eating breakfast with my dad this morning, and he tells me the best dadjoke I have ever heard. Dad: Hey son, can I tell you about a friend of mine. Me: Yeah, sure, dad. Dad: I once had a buddy named Timmy Up. Everyone would call him Up because of his last name. They would say things like What's Up. One time he went to England, where he saved the world. The queen was immensely proud of him and decided to have him knighted. And as I began to eat my pancake, my dad hit me with the pun","Dad: I dub thee, Sir Up He said this right as I was pouring some syrup, so that made it even funnier" +"Upset that Russia invaded Ukraine","Crimea river" +"Dad just got me -. - Texting my dad. Me: hey pop, want to have breakfast tmrw. I'm usually out of the gym by 930","Dad: sure thing, I'm usually out of the gym by 1977 ;)" +"Dad joked a table of people, laughs not received. Sitting around the table with a group of people when my friend starts talking about his mom's work: Friend - My mom has been at children's hospital for about 26 years. Me - oh my god, what happened to her. Blank stares that I hoped were the precursor to laughter","They weren't" +"Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road","To go with the traffic jam" +"A old fellow gets new glasses. He tells his friend, I've gone sixty-seven years without glasses. Now they tell me I'll need them every day. His friend replies I've gone eighty-two years, and not needed glasses a day in my life. Oh yeah. Says the first old-timer. How's that","Because, says the second, I take my liqour from a bottle" +"Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing","He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink" +"My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath","She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis" +"I bring my wife coffee in bed. Is she grateful. No","she tells me she likes it in a cup" +"Dad while playing a game My family was playing a board game and I won one of the first rounds we played. Towards the end I said, I should have just quit while I was ahead","My dad tells me, Well now you have a body" +"A father asks his son what he wants to study in college. History. , the son replies. Dad: No. No no no no no. Son: But why, dad","Dad: There's just no future in it" +"A man goes to the hospital with 6 plastic horses up his butt","The doctors described him as stable" +"What is it, Dad","It is a pronoun used to reference an object or thing" +"My dad got me good while eating sushi We were trading pieces of sushi around and he went to put one on my plate when he accidentally stabbed it with his chopstick, making it fall apart. Then he chuckled to himself and said, Looks like I stab-otaged it","Many laughs were had" +"What do you call beachfront property that is owned by a cow","Prime Veal Es-steak" +"Stole my. Ex's wheelchair","Guess who came crawling back to me now?" +"My dog started feeling pain in his joints","I think he has arfritis" +"At the coffee shop Wife and I approach the counter to give our order","Clerk are you together Me married actually but I'm flattered Wife groans the clerk just looked confused" +"I got a horse and named it mayo","Sometimes mayo neighs" +"Have you seen the movie Constipated . No","It hasn't come out yet" +"I asked the guy in the store where is the terminator dvd","He responded, “Aisle B, Back”" +"There's an Indian restaurant nearby that always burns their bread. If you sit too close to the kitchen it can be hard to breathe","Which is strange because it's the naan smoking section" +"I don't always hunt deer but when I do, I use dynamite","That way I get more bang for my buck" +"What number is also a sport","Ten is" +"What do you call an elf with only one leg","Legoless" +"Men, we all want a cure for that burning STD pain","Don't wee" +"This is Hilarius Pope Hilarius https://en. wikipedia","org/wiki/Pope_Hilarius" +"My employee got me good the other day. I am a manager at a place that sells frozen treats. At work one day a team member was knocking frozen fruit in to a box, he had to hit it pretty hard to get it out. So I told him show that fruit who's boss after this stopped leaned in to the fruit to say hey fruit then pointed at me thats the boss","Quite a proud moment for me" +"If con is the opposite of pro, then. Is","Congress the opposite of progress?" +"Had to read my dad's text message twice before I realized he dad joked me http://imgur","com/Tk1kbVL" +"Dadjoked the girl I've been seeing lately *Her:* Your beard is growing on me","*Me:* No, it's growing on me" +"What do you call a pile of cats. A","Moewntain" +"A Dad-tastic April Fools joke This morning my friend and I were exchanging conversation about what our dad's usually do to prank us on April 1st. My dad always calls and says he was in a horrible car accident and broke a limb. It's never funny, but he laughs and laughs so I go with it. My friends Dad however is a classic Dad-joke type of Dad. This year, my friend tells me: >Friend: My dad said Mr. Lion called for me >Me: Mr. Lion eh. >Friend: Yea he gave me a number to call, but I haven't called it yet. >Me: I'll call. I get the number from him, and the automated message service for the San Diego Zoo clicks on","It's pun-tastic, a fun, and non aggravating April Fools joke" +"How does a woodchuck make you upchuck","Gnaws ya" +"What part of your body is the last to die","Your eyes, cause they dilate" +"My girlfriend said she served an albino man at work the other day. I said Really. Who ordered an albino","She just stared at me" +"Pickles","Are just something cucumbers need to dill with." +"My girlfriend was running her fingers through my chest hair and says. I love that you are hairy . I said, I'm Ken who the heck is Harry","She hit me, she actually hit me for that" +"Driving down the road. We pass a farm and my dad says: Dad: hey did you know the FDA is banning those round bails of hey. Me: No. What. Why. (I was legitimately concerned) Dad: Yeah. Apparently cows weren't getting a square meal. Me:","sighs" +"I saw a sign today that made me piss myself","It said ‘Toilets closed’" +"Al Gore once made a musical album about mathematics","He titled it, “Al-Gore-Rhythms" +"Every molecule in my body came to a complete stop earlier","I'm feeling 0K though" +"I wanted to show my son a documentary about constipation","To bad it never came out" +"My Calculus Professor is having a tough time adjusting to retired life","He can’t seem to deal with the aftermath" +"The kids want to play. Operation but. I can't bring myself to tell them that the game is missing a piece","I just don't have the heart" +"My wife: Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled","Me: No, I think most of them smell that way" +"Which state sells the smallest soda's","Mini-soda" +"Pulled this one on my wife today. How does a bird travel. By air. How does a fish travel. By sea. How does Enrique Iglesias travel","Bailando" +"All my women have the same last name","Jpeg" +"I got a tattoo of the numbers 0 through 9 yesterday. Now","I can always count on myself." +"Grandpa showing us all how it's done Grandson: I've never had a rib eye steak before. What's the difference","Grandpa: This one winks at ya" +"What is the cheepest cut of meat. Deer balls","They're under a buck" +"My sister melted her gym shorts A few years ago my sister decided to iron her gym shorts without knowing that the fabric would melt under the heat of the iron, burning a massive hole in them. She texted our dad to let him know she'd set her shorts on fire. His reply: 'good lord, how fast were you running","' Still makes me laugh to this day" +"Coworker got me last night. Him: Did you hear about NASA's new nose picking in space initiative. Me: Wait what. No","Him: In a recent interview they said It's snot rocket science" +"I work at a restaurant that sells a wedge salad. I go to set one down between an elderly couple and the husband turns to his wife and says, He's trying to drive a wedge between us","I nearly dropped the plate while she just groaned" +"If meteorite is the term for when a meteor strikes the ground, what are they called when they miss","Meteowrongs" +"Cartoonist found dead at home","Details are sketchy." +"Have you heard about the guy that died. Told my wife this one his morning. She was not amused. Me: Did you hear about the guy that died at Proctor and Gamble. Her: No, what happened. Me: Yeah he was at the lotion storage tanks I guess and he fell in and drowned because they couldn’t get him out. Her: That sounds awful, what a terrible way to die. Me: Yeah I guess what they say is true about this all. Her: What. Me: A body in lotion tends to stay in lotion Her:","I’m serving you papers after that" +"Scientists record the sound of two helium atoms laughing","HeHe" +"I just spent $13 on 2 cents worth of bamboo","I got bamboozled." +"Did you hear about the politician with no body","They say he's ahead in the polls" +"To be frank","I'd have to change my name" +"A jewelry appraiser's commute My fiancée asked the appraiser if he took the train into work and he said no way, the train takes me. I'd have to eat a whole bunch of Wheaties before I could haul something that big. He also had three daughters","A diamond dad joke" +"On the way to the pumpkin patch yesterday. we passed by a cemetery. My wife says: Look at all the gravestones. That cemetery is so crowded. Me: Yeah, well people are just dying to get in there","I was focused on the road, but I could hear her eyes roll" +"Some people don't realise how empty the universe is","To them it just doesn't matter" +"I tried to make a pencil with erasers on both ends","but then, I realized it was pointless" +"A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, What'll you have","The rabbit says, I don't know, I'm only here because of auto correct" +"I told my friend “I’m addicted to buying Beatles albums. ” He said “You need help","” I said “No, I’ve already got that one”" +"One-line vampire jokes for Halloween What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher. Lots of blood tests. &#x200B; Why did Dracula’s mother give him cough medicine. Because he was having a coffin fit. &#x200B; Why did the vampire’s lunch give him heartburn. It was a stake sandwich. &#x200B; Dracula decided he needed a dog, which breed did he choose. A bloodhound. &#x200B; What is a vampire’s favorite holiday. Fangsgiving. &#x200B; What did the vampire say to the Invisible Man. ‘Long time, no see. ’ &#x200B; Why is Dracula so unpopular. Because he’s a pain in the neck. [http://bestcleanfunnyjokes. com/one-line-vampire-jokes-for-halloween/](http://bestcleanfunnyjokes","com/one-line-vampire-jokes-for-halloween/)" +"Dogs can’t operate MRI machines","But CAT scan" +"How to pirate any movie you like","Rate it 3.14" +"Why does a chicken coop only have two doors","Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan" +"Why is it funny when people sneeze","Snot" +"I'm developing a phobia of German sausage","I fear the wurst" +"My 5 year old has no idea he's adopted You'd think he would figure it out since we look nothing alike. He probably won't make it to his 18th birthday, so we try to make his life as happy and fulfilling as we can. Although sometimes I think we may spoil him and give him a few too many treats. I've tried telling him before, but I don't think he understands","He just gives me this weird look and wags his tail" +"Derry, NH has the best air in the country","Everyone comes to sniff the Derry air" +"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the washroom","because the 'p' is silent" +"That reminds me of the joke about the bed","oh wait it hasn't been made yet" +"What's a duck's favourite drug","Quack" +"A man exposed himself to two old ladies outside work today. one of them had a stroke","the other couldn't reach" +"I'm trying to sell my Dad's computer for him. Dad: Does she want to buy it. Me: The price is right, she said she'll sleep on it","Dad: That sounds uncomfortable" +"Is it a dad joke when your daughter tells it. My 11 year old to my 9 year old, as we drive by a cemetery on a hill : i wonder why they bury people in a hill","9 year old, in total deadpan: because they're dead" +"What do a rude Frenchman and a ruthless Englishman have in common. No merci. Sorry for the double post","Thought of a better wording" +"Did you hear about the thief who's stealing T-shirts in order of size","He's still at large" +"Got my girlfriend good We were talking about our days. She mentioned she hadn't been feeling good, and took a shower in the hopes to feel better","My response: So did it help, or was it just a wash" +"A polar bear walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says: I'll have a gin and. tonic The bartender says: Why the big pause","The polar bear replies: I don't know, I was born with them" +"What’s the friendliest animal in the ocean","A “Cuddle” fish" +"Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses","No Son, have you seen my dadglasses" +"What's the diagnosis for a person who loves fake wood furniture","Veneerial disease" +"What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino","Hell if I know" +"We were drinking scotch last night. Oooh. What year is it. Well, it's 2014","But if we wait a bit it might change" +"Did I ever tell you I met the President. Son: No, did you","Dad: I didn't, I was just wondering if I ever told you I did" +"What's a hookers favourite food","Whores d'oeuvres" +"Great Grandfather just destroyed the table. Grandfather (shouting loudly): Dad we are all about to sit outside in the garden. Where is best for you to sit. Great Grandfather: On my bottom. Collective groan from the family","i'm the only one laughing" +"I just got new high heels. and since I directly fell in love with them, I had to send a photo of me wearing them to some friends and somehow also my to dad. I got responses like You look hot or So sexy. My dad's response: You must be so tall wearing them","I guess I know who's getting a helmet for christmas" +"Son, did you hear about that actress who was killed recently. Reese Withers. wither-something. Me: . Witherspoon. Dad: No, with a knife","^^Works ^^better ^^with ^^an ^^English ^^accent" +"What did the baby corn, say to the momma corn","Where's pop corn" +"Why are pilots bad at basketball","Because they always travel" +"A joke I made in class My teacher was talking about the first monopolies in the US and he said that some employees went on strike because they were working around the clock. So I muttered under my breath, How are we supposed to work with this freaking clock in the way","I got sent outside" +"My. Grandfather was a baker in the. Army","He went in all buns glazing" +"I dadjoked my boss in the middle of a serious meeting. I was sitting on the computer doing some sort of paperwork spreadsheet (I don't remember, this was last week) and my boss brings in four of my coworkers and starts talking about what needs to get done, when it needs to be done, and how it should be done because we're in crunch time. Everyone is serious-faced, including me. He stops momentarily and rubs his ears, commenting how it hasn't stopped ringing since this morning. Without missing a beat, I asked him why he hasn't answered it. I guess it really was that serious because he just glanced at me and then kept talking, and everyone else just gave me the eye","Felt fucking amazing though" +"What do you do when you are attacked by a group of clowns","Go straight for the juggler" +"What did the baby goat say to his father","I kid you not" +"Her: I put my phone on silent and now I can’t find it. Me: You should have followed Beyoncé ‘s advice","If you want it, you should have put a ring on it" +"What did the cop say when interrogating the cheez-it","Are you gonna cracker what" +"Mothballs Dad: have you ever smelled mothballs. Son: yeah","Dad: well how did you keep their little legs open" +"I decided not to put my watch on today before going out","I wanted to have a timeless look" +"Making omelettes with a friend. Friend: Why don't the eggs roll on to the floor even though they're round. They stop after like two rolls. Me: it's cause they're counter-balanced","*counter-balanced*" +"What do you call an awfully over-cooked hunk of meat","A misteak" +"Why did the Horse Whisperer have a reputation as a pessimist","Because he was a famous neigh-sayer" +"Why is Yoda afraid of Seven","Because Six Seven Eight" +"At A Culture Fest We're a thoroughly American family with German/Danish roots. For fun we went to a Greek culture festival as a different kind of Friday night. As soon as we're through the gate, he turns to my youngest brother and mutters: Everything seems so. foreign","He was so pleased with himself that he repeated it to each one of us separately" +"Why do cemeteries have fences surrounding them","Because people are dying to get in" +"I got on the front page of Reddit. You just go to reddit","com and it takes you right there" +"I talk to my dad like twice a year and he still managed to dadjoke me on the phone. Me: if the party is during the time when I'm home for Christmas I'll go, but I don't have any flexibility in my schedule. It's a small window. Dad: I'm a truck driver","Believe me, I know all about small windows" +"I had a dream last night about an ocean of soda","Turns out it was a Fanta sea" +"How does Darth Vader like his toast","On the dark side" +"I once walked in on my parents while they were in bed","But they were asleep, so I left" +"What’s more amazing than a talking dog","A Spelling Bee" +"The monkey My grandpa took my brother and myself on a road trip. We were almost there when he asked if we knew what the monkey said after slamming the car door on its tail. My brother and I had no idea. Then he said It won't be long now","" +"why was the picture arrested","because it was framed" +"I once asked my dad if I'd make a good father","He said, if you have a child you'll make a grand father" +"What did batman say to robin before they got into the bat mobile","Robin get in the car" +"Why did the bicycle go to bed","It was two-tired" +"What do you call it when a Russian has no internet","Internyet" +"What do sprinters eat before a race","Nothing, they fast" +"Who is Taylor Swift","Is she fast at stitching clothes or something" +"my dad's joke since the beginning of time context: there is a disagreement or argument of some kind. dad: I'll tell you what me: what","dad: what and he walks away smirking like he won" +"What do you call two octopuses that look the same","Itenticle" +"Did you hear about the woman who won first place in a sewing contest without using any thread","Her performance was seamless" +"Knock knock. Who's there","The doorbell repair man" +"People keep making fun of me for investing other people's money in comedy clubs","I'm a laughing stock" +"What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common","Icy dead people" +"What would you call a chicken who crosses the road while abiding by road laws","Legal tender" +"What animal do you want to be when you're cold","A little 'otter Joke by my grandpa" +"How do you get a lot of hot dates","Put them in a microwave" +"RIP boiling water","You will be mist" +"I used to be addicted to soap,. But now","I am clean" +"Wanna hear a pizza joke. I dont think you do","It's too cheesy" +"I have discovered what. God used to start the fire that makes up the sun:","A match made in heaven." +"Which rapper is popular in North Korea","Lil' Kim" +"I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him","Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog" +"My dad wrote out a check to my business and then dropped it in front of me","When it landed on the table he said Good, it didn't bounce" +"I named my motorcycle ‘My. Case’","That way my wife will ride it" +"Me: I won't be paying a penny for that parking fine Dad: I'm sorry to hear that, son","So, how much *will* you be paying" +"The only note. I can hit is an. A#. Cause. I always","B flat" +"For some reason, my employees keep thinking I'm Mike Rowe. They're always telling me to stop Mike Rowe managing them","I don't even look like him" +"How do you think the unthinkable","With an eyeth-berg" +"I saw a guy driving a truck with a porta potty on the back of it","He was a shit driver" +"What does the windmill say to its favourite celebrity","I'm actually a huge a fan" +"Why are cows such poor conversationalists","All their points are moot" +"Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France","There was nothing left but de Brie" +"I love jokes about the eyes","The cornea the better" +"How do you make holy water","You boil the hell out of it" +"My smartphone tracks my cat's sleep patterns","There's a nap for that" +"Breaking news . All the toilets from the local police station have been stolen","A spokesman said currently the police have nothing to go on" +"Dad hit me with this at the aquarium. How many tickles does it take to make a an octopus laugh","Tentacles" +"So I took my dad to a sauna. Me: So why did you want to come here in the first place","Dad: I wanted to let off some steam" +"What is Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable","Barack-li" +"On the way to school, I told my girlfriend I forgot my watch at home","I'd go back for it, but I don't have the time" +"My wife is so negative","I remembered the stroller, the car seat and the diaper bag yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby" +"My doctor told me she dropped her phone in a pot of pea soup. I asked her if it made it taste like Apples","she laughed, but nobody else did" +"How many Mexican's does it take to change a lightbulb","Just Juan" +"Fetishes Over the past years, my sexual fetishes have been slowly getting more perverse","But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realized I'd hit rock bottom" +"My wife is at a conference for work and took some time to respond to a text. Her: Sorry, I was at an evening session","Me: Ah, so now can you even" +"A woman is on trial for beating up a unfaithful rockstar husband with his guitar collection. The judge asked her, “first offender” “No,” she says “first a. Gibson then a","Fender" +"I set my jacket on fire","Now it’s a blazer" +"Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo club","Thanks for coming" +"I visited a Doritos farm today","It was a cool ranch" +"Protons have mass","I didn't even know they were Catholic" +"What do babies have in common with hinges","They're both things to adore" +"What did the salad say when the balsamic vinegar was being rude","I don't like the way your addressing me" +"While giving birth to a set of twins, the mother losses consciousness. The doctor called in the woman’s brother from the waiting room and asked if he would like to name the children. The brother agrees. When the mother wakes up, the doctor informs her that her brother has named the children while she was unconscious. She said “Oh no. my brother is an idiot. What did he name the kids. ” The doctors replied “Well, the girl’s name is Denise. ” “Oh, that’s not so bad. And the boy","” “Denephew”" +"What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants","Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean" +"I made a. Russian dad joke today. So. I asked my. Russian friend what the я conjugation for хотеть is, to which he replied хочу which is pronounced like ho-choo and","I then said bless you." +"What vegetable is sort of awesome","Rad-ish" +"Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach","” Dad: “Shore" +"My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of. Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when. I got home that","I had picked 7 up." +"What cheese causes pain","Ouchies" +"My girlfriend just got me She was sharpening a pencil with an exacto knife and I asked her why she didn't use a sharperner","Because its more exacto Sigh" +"A group of blind people make a band called. ABDB. It's like. ACDC, but they can't","C" +"What's blue and smells like red paint","Blue paint" +"Dad, did you get shot at in the army. No son","I only got shot in the leggy" +"My dad wouldn't let me join the school orchestra","because of the sax and violins" +"Dadjoked the nurse during the ultrasound this morning My wife is 8 weeks pregnant with our first (twins, actually). Today we had an ultrasound to check on them before my wife is officially transferred from the fertility specialist to her OB/GYN. **Nurse:** Both heartbeats are a healthy 144. **Me:** Gross. **Nurse:** What. Oh","(nervous laugh) **Wife:** (facepalm) **Me:** (ear-to-ear grin)" +"How do you organize a space force","You planet" +"I'm glad I was able to get my Avengers tickets right when they went on sale this morning","Half the seats have already been snapped up" +"Heard a dad joke watching the football game today *A flag was thrown for un-sportsman like conduct on the coach of one team* Announcer 1: It did't look like the the coach did anything to get the flag thrown. Announcer 2: But we couldn't hear the language that was being used by the coach, that could have drawn the foul. Announcer 1: I believe the coach was using english. I laughed hysterically","Edit: formating" +"Why is one side of a flying V of geese longer than the other","Because there's more geese on that side" +"Why are athletes so cool","They have a lot of fans" +"I like sandwiches that end with and cheese","And when I'm really hangry, I go ham" +"Dad joked my wife I asked my wife the other day what she was doing today","Her response was As little as possible So I stuck out my hand and said Hi my name is, as little as possible Needless to say little as possible did not get done that day" +"Why is B the coolest letter","Because it’s between the AC" +"My mother just sent me this. http://i. imgur. com/Wz71BoU","png" +"Every time my water starts boiling too fast","I look at the pot and tell it to simmer down and proceed to chuckle for the following ten minutes" +"I'm going to start a music app for weightlifters","I'll call it Squatify" +"You're a poet and you don't know it, but your feet show it, Because they're long fellows","My dad just busted that one out and the absurdity is killing me" +"Noticed some construction workers putting the roof up on a new house. A couple friends walked up to me. Guys you'll never guess what I just saw, it was crazy. What. I caught those construction workers partying really hard just a second ago What. No way, really. Yeah, look at em","They're raising the roof" +"Where does a lobster keep it’s clothes","In the clawset" +"In France, never order an omelette with two eggs","Because one egg is un ouef" +"My wife threatened to leave me unless I stopped constantly playing 80’s music","I told her to wake me up before you go go" +"What do you call a bear with no ears?","B." +"When it comes to what. I like most about dad jokes,","I will say this: this" +"Did you hear about the one animal zoo. The one animal was only a dog","It was a Shih Tzu" +"Today I fell into my own sword, and a pleasure it was. Babysitting my niece in this heat I wanted to be nice and go out for ice cream. So, I start off with Hey. I was thinking. and before I could finish this 6-year old says Yeah I thought I smelled something burning , without ever looking up. The sick irony is that I read this one online and was saving it to roast her. I'm proud, but sad","Of course that doesn't mean my campaign of horrid jokes came to an end" +"My dad got a great new job. He has 500 people under him","He mows at a cemetery" +"What do you call a polite man who builds bridges","A civil engineer" +"What does a Grape do when it gets pinched Nothing","It just WHINES 🍷" +"The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far","Lobe low, dude" +"I only lasted a month at the calender factory","They fired me after taking a day off" +"Dad strikes again at my Grandma's house. Grandma: Would you like some millionaire shortbread","Dad: No, no, it's too rich for me" +"A sandwich walks into a bar","The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve food here”" +"What do you call cheese that goes to the gym","Shredded cheese" +"I thought I saw a chain of small coral islands. But it wasn't one","Not atoll" +"Why was the strawberry sad","Because he was caught in a jam" +"Me: I have a fear of Backstreet Boys music. Therapist: Tell me why","&#x200B; Me: (screams)" +"When a knight in Prague dons his armor","the Czech is in the mail" +"My weekend project was to make a maze out of kitchenware","I call it pan’s labyrinth." +"What do you call a duck that’s addicted to drugs","A quackhead" +"My wife handed me our newborn baby. She said, Can you change her for me","I said, No, we're keeping this one" +"What do you call a computer that plays tennis","A server" +"Turns out the. CEO of a very big company is against gay marriages","He's a homoforbe." +"Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry","I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later" +"What do we want. The Doppler Effect. When do we want it","*nyow*" +"Did you know that photons have no mass","I mean, light can't be heavy" +"Made a dadjoke instead of a sale. Wooden you. We sell wooden soap dishes, made of various kinds of wood, as part of our business","When I get asked which is our best seller, I pick one up and say This one is real poplar" +"Did you hear Kid Rock is running for president. His campaign slogan is going to be","MAGA wit da baw da bang da bang 2020" +"Airplane Mode http://madeofmistake","com/airplane-mode" +"the Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop","and says “can you make me one with everything" +"What do you call a snobbish thief going down the stairs","A condescending con descending" +"I got my coworker really good We came into work on a Saturday where dress is really relaxed. He was wearing a soccer jersey for a guy named Eden Hazard. Hazard plays for Chelsea and the Belgian national team. The front of soccer jerseys typically have a company name on them for advertising. This one had Samsung. I asked if he got the jersey free with a purchase of his Note 7. He actually laughed at the joke","Bonus: we're both Arabs so I told him not to go to the airport wearing it" +"Got the girlfriend a little while ago She just put on a new sweater, and started to complain, I think theres something in my sleeve. Me it's your arm","Duh Ba-dum-chh" +"My step-dad and I were sitting at a restaurant. I was trying to read the daily specials, but from my seat I could only really see Sunday's. I asked him what the rest of the days were. He said, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday","" +"How does the moon cut its hair","Eclipse it" +"My dad farted on an elevator","It was wrong on so many levels" +"I don't understand why people get attacked by Sharks","Can they not hear the music" +"My son came out as transgender So that makes me","transparent" +"What do you call a lamp in a Peruvian staircase","An Incan descent light bulb" +"Excuse me, sir, you're all out of the garlic naan bread. I don't see the problem","It seems like a naan-issue to me" +"Bee. Keepers have the. Prettiest eyes","Because beauty is in the eye of the bee holder" +"My wife was preparing dinner, when I said to her, That’s a nice ham you’ve got there","It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end" +"What Are Bears Without Bees","Ears" +"What is the difference between a dirty bus stop & a lobster with breast implants","Ones a crusty bus station The other is a busty crustacean" +"I don’t usually tell dad jokes. But when","I do he usually laughs." +"How do you find the whisky. At the pub, my friend tries whisky for the first time. I ask How do you find the whisky","He replies I look at the table, and there it is" +"Why did tech support seduced the server which was broken down","Because he must turn it on" +"Can you believe that Super Bowl","Probably the best one we'll see all year" +"I found an enormous marine mammal that weighs 2. 2lbs","It's a kilo whale" +"Now that Elon Musk has launched his Tesla Roadster into orbit, why is space soon going to be full of diseases. Because it’s no longer auto immune. (Told to my by my actual dad","The screenshot of his text got removed from /r/funny :( )" +"What did the deer say when he left the gay bar","I can't believe I blew 50 bucks back there" +"Beethoven's grave has been eerily playing music the last few days. The cemetery keeper has told people not to worry, he's just decomposing","**EDIT** down-voting because you can't Handel this level of humor is a crime against humanity" +"john cena. more like john see","nah" +"What did the tree do when the bank closed","Started its own branch" +"Friend's dad made my day in a NASA gift shop. The checkout lady started wrapping the two coffee cups that my friend and his fiancé were buying and said Now be careful with these, because I'm not good at wrapping. To which the dad said It's easy. And began beat boxing","Not technically rapping, but still made me cry" +"What do you call it when you eat a waffle on a beach in California","A sandy Eggo" +"Last night I had a dream that I was a muffler","I woke up exhausted" +"What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married","Feyoncé" +"Fingers It may sound strange, but my fingers are my most reliable body part. >. I can always count on them","<" +"Do you know about the TV channel where they dissolve celebrities and musicians in acid","It's called PH1" +"How do you keep an idiot busy for hours. [Click this link](https://www. reddit. com/user/Trtlman/comments/b49c98/how_do_you_keep_an_idiot_busy_for_hours/","utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app)" +"And then there's the story of the. Jewish man at a. South. Korean university. He was the. Chosun","One" +"If you rearrange the letters of “Postmen”","They get really pissed off" +"My daughter asked what's a light year","I said it's just like a regular year with lower calories" +"Dad jokes at work Our intern was telling a story about how her roommate came home drunk from a party with a random cat. She found out the next day her roommate had stolen it from their neighbor. My response- So one might call her a cat burglar","Everyone walked away" +"My fire chief proved he was a dad when I bought a Jeep Compass I like your new Jeep, but it's broken. I look at him confused. It's in the parking lot pointing west","Shouldn't Compasses always point north" +"I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia","I won’t rest until I find it" +"Dadjoking my way to her heart Aspiring dadjoker here, yesterday I was on my way to the kitchen when my girlfriend asked me to bring her a bowl. Upon handing her the bowl I asked if she knew which kind of bowl she was","She confessed she had no clue to which I answered, Adore-a-bowl I think I witnessed the biggest eye roll ever but maybe a slight blush as well" +"Doctor doctor, when I press on my arm it hurts, when I press on my leg it hurts even when I press on my chest it hurts","Ah, the doctor said, I see you’ve got a broken finger" +"No one advocates for cyclists these days","They really need a spokes man" +"Nicholson Dentistry Wife and I are sitting at a red light, and I spot Nicholson Dentistry. Turn and say to wife, I wonder if they need some help with a slogan. She bites, and I yell You can't handle the tooth . Her eyes roll. Victory","I'll leave now" +"What do you call a gourd’s relatives","Pump-kin" +"When I was a single man, I had a lot of free time","Now that I listen to full albums, I hardly leave the house" +"Got my mom with this an hour ago. She and I were catching up, and the topic turned to my dad. Mom: Yeah, your dad is good, playing a lot of music. Actually one of his bands is coming by tonight. Me: Who's he playing with. Mom: Mark, Tom, and Bill. actually he has like 5 Bills he jams with. Me: Do they make money. Mom: They jam mostly for fun. Me: So my dad has 5 unpaid Bills","Mom: sigh" +"Dad, I'm Hungry Hi Hungry. I'm Friday. Come over on Saturday and we'll have a sundae. Are you kidding me","No, I'm Dad" +"Look kids - a flock of cows (IRL) Dad, it's not a flock of cows. OK, a pride of cows then Not that either, why are you so lame. I dunno, a gaggle of cows. Dad, it's a herd of cows. Herd of cows. Course I've heard of cows","Look at that gaggle over there Was much harder work than expected" +"My friend was struggling to tell me that her joints were hurting","I guess she had a problem with articulation" +"My grandfather told me a really funny story about how he accidentally ate his wedding ring and it came out 10 years later","It was old butt gold" +"My dad once told me the time where he went to sleep over his girlfriend's house for the first time. He asked her father if it was alright for them to sleep together. He said no to which my dad replied","That's unfortunate, because you're a very attractive man ." +"What happens to a firefighter when he gets laid off","He gets fired" +"My therapist told me that I have trouble identifying my emotions","Not too sure how I feel about that" +"Nintendo decided to change things up a little","So they made a switch" +"I dropped a pack of batteries when we went shopping at Home Depot And then my dad said, Careful son, if you break those you'll be charged with battery. He then said, You looked shocked","and scampered away giggling" +"What did the cannabal do after he dumped his girlfriend. He wiped his butt","(My dad told me this)" +"Did you hear what happened to the pretzel","He was assaulted" +"I told my dad I had a blind date coming up He said, oh yeah, was it from birth or did she get in some sort of accident. After I took a few seconds to process that, I let out the biggest groan in history","I could feel his smirk through the phone" +"What did the foot exclaim when it met its long lost relative","Ankle" +"Not to brag, but yesterday i beat the state chess champion in less than five moves","Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use" +"I started learning Braille, and I don’t find it that difficult","Honestly, you just have to have a feel for it" +"To the person who stole my antidepression medication","I hope you're happy now." +"You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes (That’s it","That’s the joke)" +"My dad's reply to some pictures I sent him of the snow today. http://imgur","com/aLz2HVp" +"I tried to make my friend laugh with ten puns","But sadly no pun in ten did" +"Why did the police officer arrest the turkey","Because he suspected fowl play" +"Did you know that if you took all of your blood vessels and laid them out end to end","you'd die" +"What are the two states of a chameleon","Chameleon and chameleoff" +"Why was the U. Fighter pilot shot down at 12:00 AM","His wing man told him the enemy was at 1 o'clock" +"What do you do if you see a spaceman","You park your car, man" +"Guess what. What","Good guess" +"How does a mathematician solve his constipation","He works it out with a pencil" +"I called work this morning and whispered, Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough. He exclaimed, You have a wee cough. I said, Really","Thanks boss, see you next week" +"what did the mom cow say to the baby cow","its pasture bedtime" +"Slept funny My back hurts from sleeping last night. So I guess I slept funny","My wife said I was laughing all night in my sleep" +"Went for a job interview today, at IKEA","The manager said “Come in, make a seat”" +"Dad joked in while looking for a car. Sitting in the living room with my dad looking at cars on craigslist. I read one that said it needs a little TLC","He then pulls up Don't go chasin waterfalls on his computer" +"Did you hear the one about Seymour","He got new glasses" +"How are dad jokes sold at the joke shop","by the punnet" +"My house was very bright until the burgeler stole my lamp","I was delighted" +"where do norse texans go when they die","Y'allhalla" +"I had a meeting for my pre-ejaculation problem but I didn't know what to wear","So I came in my pants" +"My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat","He never could resist a good sail" +"Did you hear about the Mexican train killer","I heard he had loco motives" +"If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for","Plastic explosives" +"I just started a new. Middle. Eastern only diet and can't say. I recommend it","I falafel." +"I saw a huge seagull today. I saw a huge seagull today. Then. I thought it's large enough to be a. D gull. It may even be so large it's a double. D gull. But not quite big enough to be an","Eagle" +"My Roomba accidentally went out the front door, and the neighborhood animals immediately started attacking it","Nature abhors a vacuum" +"I got a tattoo of a clock on my ribs","Just a little reminder that time is on my side" +"What do you call two stickers on top of each other","Stackers" +"My cat was walking on my furniture, as he does. Suddenly, he tripped on my bowling first-price award and both fell down, the award landing in the cat's anus","It was a cat-ass-trophy" +"What did the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do","He lay awake all night wondering if there was a dog" +"Got a small little Valentine's Day card from my dad What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend. Will you be my Valenstein","I'm away at college now but he never fails to send me a few dad jokes" +"Got everyone in the car today Im planning her birthday party and i really hope she doesnt find out Why","She knows she'll be turning 25" +"You know what would be cool","Another ice age" +"I have a fear for speed bumps","I'm slowly getting over it" +"70 years old and he's still got it Decided to join my parents for dinner when my mother tells me she found my debit card in the washing machine","My dad says you better watch out, you might get a call from the bank for money laundering" +"What do you call a young musician","A minor" +"What did the townspeople say when their town flooded","It's a dam disaster" +"What ever happened to Bar-A","I only ever hear about Barbie" +"So I recently came into a large sum of money","and then the cashier wouldn't accept it" +"Got my gf in the car. Her: what's a magnet school anyways","Me: I'm not positive" +"What’s orange and sounds like a parrot","A carrot" +"Got my dad before dinner He lets me know that tonight will be chili (leftovers), and that we can heat it up whenever we want. I tell him he could just wear a sweater because it's probably easier and cheaper","Got a groan in response" +"Want to hear a joke about a plane","It'll probably go over your head" +"How many lightbulbs does it take to change a lightbulb","Two" +"What do you call a person with no body and no nose","Nobody knows" +"Did you know that soy milk","is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish" +"Impromptu Dinner Party A man was invited to a last minute dinner party at a nice restaurant for which he was not properly dressed. He needed a tie, but didn't have time to pick one up, so he used his jumper cables instead","Once at the restaurant, the hostess says, I'll let you in, but don't start anything" +"Set myself up for a Dad joke and it paid off Yesterday while cleaning the kitchen and throwing out old stuff from the freezer, I put a set of coupons for Harvey's restaurant in there. This morning I got up and they were on top of the fridge. I asked my wife if she'd removed them and she said she thought they fell in there by accident","No, I said, I didn't want them to expire" +"Did you hear about the woman who went on vacation and got bit by a shark","Her trip cost her an arm and a leg" +"MIDWIFE. FOR. SALE . CAN","DELIVER." +"I saw a group of crows hanging out at the dump","It was a murder most fowl!" +"My wife told me our bread started to fly","I told her that was naan sense" +"On the chase. A cop is chasing a criminal. Cop: Stop right there. Criminal: *Slows down due to exhaustion* Cop: Sounds like you need","arrest" +"Did you know","When a short person waves at you, it's called a microwave" +"A customer asked me what. I knew about lightbulbs","I told him that they were screwed up" +"Last night I was shaking the soap bottle while doing the dishes","And then it Dawned on me" +"Why don’t ants get sick","They’ve got little antibodies" +"If you are smothered by hanging window coverings with no chance of escape","it's curtain death for you" +"Why should you eat Eggs Benedict off of a hubcap. Cause there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise","Fuckin' a, Dad" +"What do you call a disagreeable horse","A neigh sayer" +"Firefighters report at incident. The fire department did they’re best to deal with the fire at the bakery but were unable to save the employees because it was already too late","They were toast" +"I should have been a psychic","I hear they make a fortune" +"I didn't think the metalworkers union existed any longer. But","I guess they are steel around." +"I asked the hot dog seller, “Can I get a jumbo sausage. ” He said, “Sure, won’t be long. ” I said, “Shit","In that case, can I have two" +"Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary","What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous" +"How many apples grow on a tree","All of them" +"Good. Friday is a sad day. And tomorrow is a","Saturday" +"So theres this pirate, right. He roams around the oceans and does pirate-y things, but he's most known for this one eccentricity: whenever he sees sheet music with anything over a high B, he rips it to shreds","They call him the Tearer of the High C's" +"A man brought his son to the grocery store. A man brought his son to a grocery store, but as soon as they walked in the store the young child began to throw a temper tantrum. While they went down each aisle the child would yell, throw items in and out of the cart, and overall just be an annoyance. Despite the scene his son was causing, the father was cool and collected, slowly and calmly saying, Don't worry, Donald. It'll be alright, Donald, we'll be home soon. A nearby mother was very impressed with the father's self control, and wanted to express her gratitude for such calm parenting. Sir, I'm amazed that you are able to be so calm. It's not every day I see such patient and gracious parenting. Now little guy, what seems to be the problem, Donald. Oh no, ma'am, you're mistaken. The father interjected, This is my son, Henry. I'm Donald. ^(*Happy Father's Day to all you fathers out there","Thank you for all you do" +"Did you know that","14% of sailors are Pi-rates" +"Why did the Mexican take Xanax","To prevent Hispanic attacks" +"Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar","They got six months each" +"How come most buildings in America don't have a thirteenth floor","Because most buildings are shorter than that" +"I'm addicted to brake fluid","But I can stop any time I want to" +"My girlfriend was furious when I told her I put ginger in our curry","She loved the cat" +"That graveyard is so popular","People are just dying to get in" +"What type of shoes does a frog wear","Open toad" +"What do we want. Car noises. When do we want them","Nyow" +"If Van Halen opened up a soup kitchen","It should be named David Lee Broth" +"Why are fish easy to weigh","Because they have their own scales" +"Poor","Leo me: Leo shoulda won for titanic coworker: yeah he missed the boat" +"What do you get if you walk under a cow","A pat on the head" +"A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night","Oof" +"A guy named Ali works as a security guarding a big gate","I guess you could say he's an Ali-gator" +"Don't be a caricature artist","It's a sketchy business" +"Some girl asked me whether i am a parking ticket. Cause i have","FINE written all over me😉😅" +"An astronaut is trying to make coffee in space. Astronaut 1: I want to make coffee but I can't find any milk. Astronaut 2: In space,no one can","Here,use cream" +"Two fruits wanted to sneak away from their parents and get married in the forest. But sadly one of them","Cantaloupe" +"Walmart So my Dad's coworker was on the way to work last week, when he ran over the neighbor's cat, severing its tail completely","He immediately drove the cat to Walmart, the world's biggest re-tailer" +"What can you steal from someone to make them delighted","Lamps" +"Last night, I watched a documentary about mozzarella cheese","It was G-rated" +"Nobody laughed at my joke but I'm proud of it. I was volunteering today at a vegan grill event for an animal rights group. After only an hour we barely had any grilling to do as there weren't any guests. Me: This doesn't feel like I'm at a workplace at all, it's actually quite chill","But then again, it's a low stakes environment" +"Who invented the round table","Sir cumference" +"How much does Santa's sleigh cost. Nothing","It's on the house" +"I hit the nurse with this one I went with my parents to see my uncle who was just transferred to my university's hospital. The nurse walks in and starts talking to us. Somehow the topic of genetics came up and she said huh, I guess you got the good genes then. I looked down and pulled at my jeans. I guess they're alright. She rolled her eyes, smiled, and then let out a laugh. My dad was cracking up in the other corner of the room","I think I made him proud" +"Knock knock Who's there. Grandpa","Goddammit, stop the funeral" +"Had someone send me this at work today. Did you hear about the guy that invented the knock knock joke","I hear he won the Nobel prize" +"I got hit by a pool ball immediately after entering the bar","Right on cue" +"My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it","I got the Benz" +"Several orthopedists walk into a karaoke bar","They’re all like “I wanna dance with somebody, I wanna heal the feet with somebody" +"I was at my grandmother's house, she was in the local paper recently She was insisting she looked aweful in the photograph, I can't take a good photo. She said My father looked up, It wasn't you that took it, someone else did","He chuckled away to himself while my grandmother explained the joke to my aunt" +"I bought a first aid kit","I felt it was time to treat myself" +"You know what's longer than long","Short." +"What kind of tree would a hipster be","He'd be a tree before it was poplar" +"You know Orion's belt","Waist of space" +"I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely","if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone" +"I'm not perfect, but. I can confidently say that Gnome Ann will never be as good a father as I am. http://xkcd","com/1704/" +"Well","It’s a deep subject" +"i once tried to squash a can of coke","the end result was soda-pressing" +"How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh","Tentacles" +"To everyone that finds premature ejacultion funny","We really shouldn't make fun of people based on their shortcomings." +"My wife's bad dad joke I happened to have a block of salted butter in my hand and jokingly told my wife I was going to hit her with it","She says to me, That would be a-salt and buttery" +"I was alone in a bar when a random voice told me I looked amazing I asked the waiter who it was","It's the nuts, he said, they're complimentary" +"Dad was talking about guessing weight","He said he's so good at it because he was born in a time before scales - even fish were naked" +"The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife","It was pointless" +"I don't like to wear my seatbelt in the car but after a lot of pressure from my family","I buckled" +"How would Bugs Bunny's parents describe his upbringing","It was a hare raising experience" +"June's over already","Julying" +"What word in the English language is always spelt incorrectly","'Incorrectly'" +"I just got a promotion as Director at the Old MacDonald farm","I'm the CIEIO" +"Did you hear the one about the statistician","Probably" +"Did you hear they're shutting down the prison library","Apparently the prose outweighed the cons" +"This sign in Utah http://i. imgur. com/YAvVZse. jpg xpost [/r/fellowkids](https://www. reddit","com/r/FellowKids/comments/4t7g79/texting_and_driving/)" +"Plumbing problems, dad joking the wife We have recently been having problems with the plumbing, water draining very slowly etc. We tried different chemicals on different days to try and fix it before biting the bullet and getting someone clear them for us. First day I started out with HCl and told my wife I was going off to drop some acid. She groaned. A few days later we switched to NaOH and I brushed my hair to the side and asked my wife if she liked my Skrillex impersonation. She told me it wasn't a very good impersonation. I said hold your judgment for when I drop the base","She threatened me with a knife and told me to get out while laughing" +"I'm so hilarious, you can sense it. People tell me all the time","You smell funny" +"I've heard a lot of people are excited for Fast 9. I can't wait for the next one","Fast10: Your Seat Belts" +"Wife asked How do I look","My answer: With your eyes On a side note, the couch is more comfortable than I remember" +"I bought a roll of over priced. Velcro yesterday","It was a rip off" +"What did the confused Jamaican say to the other Jamaican before dinner","What Jamaican" +"Dear. God, thank you for these noodles you give us","Ramen" +"I used to be very indecisive","but now I'm not so sure" +"Have a good weekend Dad: Ok pal. Have a good weekend","Me: U2 Dad: Van Halen" +"My chiropractor is a real comedian My fiancé and I were discussing my need to go to the chiropractor. When he dropped this gem: Fiancé: you should go see my chiropractor, he's a real comedian. he cracks me up, every time","He'll make an excellent father one day" +"My dad drained the life out of me with this one I told him I wrote a paper about Dracula. His response was Did it suck","I'm undead now" +"Atheism","A non-prophet organisation" +"At work, stocking bread Then one of the loaves falls off and hits my boss. Me: Sorry","That was an attack with a breadly weapon" +"How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl","They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles" +"Got my wife last night. Getting out of the shower I slapped grabbed and jiggled my wife's butt, she responded with an uuugghhh, can you not. I said yeah what do you need a bow knot, square knot, tie knot. I know a lot of knots","Naturally I got the expected eye roll and another long drawn out uuuugggghhhhh" +"Did you hear about the final round of the Artist Competition","It was a draw" +"My grandfather died because the report said he had Type A blood","Unfortunately it was a Type-O" +"It’s really hard to say what my wife does for a living","She sells sea shells by the sea shore" +"My friend and I were walking out of a movie. My Friend: Wow, that guy is really Russian. Me: What, you think he's in a hurry","My Friend: *disappointed look*" +"What do you call it when a really drunk man robs a bank","A st-hiccup" +"What do you call an old man with a sudden speech impediment. An Ambulance","Difficulty speaking is a common sign of a stroke" +"What do you call a woman who has lost her earring","Earring impaired" +"Parallel lines have so much in common","It's a shame that they're never going to meet" +"Brother: What should I play for my clarinet recital","Dad: Probably the clarinet" +"When Math majors graduate","Do they get degrees or radians" +"I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt","It said, You look ugly without a beard" +"Wife: if you tell one more dad joke. I'm leaving you. Dad: hi leaving you","I'm dad" +"What do you call a small, indecisive insect","A mite" +"Why can't you run in a campsite","You can only ran, because it's past tents" +"Why do actors drink camel's milk","It comes from a dromedary" +"It wasn't much fun when I broke my neck last year","But now I can look back and laugh" +"So I dadjoked my mom the other day My mother was complaining about how she has to do so much cooking, cleaning, and other house chores. My dad was trying to calm her down when she blurts out What do I look like. Cinderella. I saw the opening and pounced on it. Well if the shoe fits I said. The glorious feeling as she groaned at how bad it was while my dad laughed was so satisfying","My future children will stand no chance" +"What does the mailman say when he drop a package. http://www. logodesignlove. com/images/contentious/ups-logo","jpg" +"If it weren't for the man who invented Venetian blinds","it would be curtains for all of us" +"Today. I actually saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall","I thought to myself, “now that’s a little condescending”" +"Why are planes so unattractive","Because they are plain-looking" +"The most successful business. I ever had was selling free-range birds","My merchandise was flying off the shelves!" +"My dad actually thought (and still thinks) this is a good joke. So there's this duck who was born without any knees, and naturally, he was made fun of by all the other ducks. So one day, a pink duck with a wand and frilly dress appeared to this duck as he was sitting alone crying. Why are you crying. She asked him. I don't have any knees. He said, still crying. I can give you some knees, said the fairy duck. But I have one question. Do you want low knees. No, I want high knees","So she gave him lots of butts" +"2 parrots sitting on a perch, one said to the other","Can you smell fish" +"We were talking about a broken window. My friend broke a window when throwing a snowball and accidentally hit it","I said 'that must've been a pain to fix'" +"I got my dad with this one when he came over one night. Dad: why are there so many weeds and shrubs in your yard","Me: because there isn't mushroom for anything else Dad: I've taught you well son" +"How can you tell if there's a spy on a flight","You can't, he's in-de-skies" +"I just saw a woman with twelve breasts","Hehehe, sounds funny, Dozen tit" +"The current measles outbreak is getting bigger","You could say it’s going viral" +"I have a horse named. Mayo","Mayo neighs." +"A girls childhood is like a sentence","It always ends with a period" +"On vacation, my parents saw a modern art installment made of multiple brass instruments welded together","My dad told us the exhibition was entitled, I'm so horny" +"How much does a graveyard weight","A skele-ton" +"What's Thanos's favorite drink","Snapple" +"I forgot to pay the priest's bill for my daughter's exorcism","She got repossessed" +"A friend of mine is a dermatologist","He started his career from scratch." +"What rhymes with orange","No it doesn't" +"Professor answers question how a dad would. Student: How large will the matrices be on the midterm","Professor: It depends on how large you write" +"Was out with a friend, they hit me with this. We heard a train in the distance. Her: Do people even use trains anymore. Me: Yea, for, like transportation. Her: You mean trains-portation","*Groans*" +"What’s Hitler’s favorite letter","Not C" +"At the mechanics I went to the mechanic with my girlfriend a few months ago and managed to drop this one. Lets call the mechanic M. M: Why does your engine smell like horses. Gf: I'm not sure. Me: It's because it has extra horsepower. M stares at me for a second and starts laughing while gf rolled her eyes","Needless to say I was pretty proud" +"I got my dad a bottle of strong aftershave and a new cigarette lighter for his birthday","I can't wait to see his face light up" +"Dad:. I have a 'dad bod',. Son:","To me it's more like a father figure." +"How’s a bike different from a trike. Not much","There’s really only one wheel difference" +"My professor just dedicated an entire 2-hour class to make ONE dadjoke. Today was the first day of his class, Special Topics in Poetry. We walk in and there is a guest with some ceramic art. We thought we were gonna write poems about it or some shit, but then the professor says, Welcome to special topics in pottery. The whole class is like wat. Then the guest lady starts showing a powerpoint of some of her work and then we literally spent the whole class mushing clay and making bowls and shit","To make things even dadder, he chuckled poetry pottery heh heh heh like we didn't get the joke and he had to explain it to us" +"My name is Lee People say Hey, Lee to try to get my attention","I respond with Hayley is a girls name, I'm Lee" +"I noticed my shirt had a couple of holes in it when I was getting dressed this morning","I thought that was pretty cool, 'cuz it gave me somewhere to put my arms" +"Doctor, I keep peeing my pants. What can I do","Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control" +"People always tell me that my dog Polly looks miserable when she's asleep","But she's actually really happy, she just has resting bitch face" +"This guy named. Bien accidentally walked into me. He apologized but","I told him he was all good." +"Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road","He got stuck in a crack" +"Us Christians managed to repurpose all the old pagan holidays, well, except for New Years","We really dropped the ball on that one" +"Why didn't the animals play cards on the Ark","Because Noah sat on the deck" +"If you have an issue with your clutch","it must really grind your gears" +"Why does Alexander Hamilton hate anti-vaxxers","🎵Because he is not throwin' away his, shot 🎵" +"I baked something today","It was a piece of cake." +"Got my wife while making dinner She asked me to place some aluminum foil on some cookie sheets so I did","Then I threw my hands in the air and said: My pans have been foiled" +"I met a dolphin the other day,","We just clicked" +"Why was Six afraid of Seven","Because Seven was a registered Six offender" +"My wife thinks I don't know how to say, My in Japanese","but really, *watashi no*" +"But why. Me: I wouldn't mind being a bit taller. Friend: You could grow taller. I grew about an extra inch at your age and an extra half inch in my feet. I went from 8 1/2 shoes to 9 shoes. I wear 9 shoes now. Me: You wear all of them at the same time","Friend: (Annoyed look)" +"What is the least spoken language in the world","Sign language" +"What did Obi-wan say to Luke at the dinner table","Use the forks, Luke" +"I always wondered why SpongeBob is the main character","If Patrick is the star" +"I was just looking at a new apartment but it didn't have any mirrors in it","I don't think I can see myself there" +"A panda walks into a bar","He eats shoots and leaves" +"I went to a garage sale today","I told them they would need to move all of the useless junk before I would consider buying it" +"Don't know if this counts, but my dad said it and it was funny The power is out at my house and even though the internet says that they have no idea what caused it or how to fix it, the lights keep periodically flashing back on again. My dad just commented that he thinks they know what's going on and are just keeping us in the dark","I'm sure if the lights were on he would look so pleased" +"What do you get when you inject human DNA into goat DNA","Kicked out of the petting zoo :(" +"I would make predictions about next year. But","I don't have 2020 vision." +"I was asked once about the meaning of the word ' inexplicable ' in a sentence","and found it very hard to explain" +"A coworker asked me what my calendar looked like","A grid with lines and filled boxes for all of my meetings" +"What do you call a drug addicted Alligator","A Crackodile" +"Is your refrigerator running","Because I may vote for it in the next election" +"Why was. Mickey mad at. Minnie","Because she was fucking goofy." +"This post is for the birds [Thought I'd ruffle some feathers. ](https://i. imgur. com/gExoXkH","jpg)" +"I asked my son what was in his cup he was drinking from He said, Soy milk","I responded, Hola milk, soy es tu padre" +"I only believe in 12. 5% of the Bible","That makes me an eighth theist" +"If you are always straightening things, you have OCD","If you are always eating things, you have OBCD" +"Watch out for the escaped horse","He's unstable" +"I hate debating people in space","It feels like my arguments don’t carry weight" +"Proud of the girl I raised. Daughter is studying for a Business final, when she texts me and says, Wait, if I'm a teenager","are you a manager" +"Did you like Ice Age. Yes","I didn't know you were that old" +"What is Homer Simpsons favorite ice cream","Cookie D'OH" +"I think my girlfriend just dad joked me Me: Scoot over I like my space","Her: I'm more of a Facebook fan" +"What is a tree's favorite salad dressing","Branch" +"I like my women like I like my men","(I’m bisexual)" +"While they might not look like it, trees love to be busy","They wood hate to be board to death" +"Why dont vegans like dad jokes","Because they're cheesy" +"What do you call a man with a rubber toe","Roberto" +"Last Sunday I ran a 5K at a clothing-optional resort. When I told my coworker she asked how can men run naked without wearing any support","Of course I said, it isn't hard" +"Why is the Vampire a vegan","A steak could kill him" +"A guy walked into a bar","Ouch" +"What do you call Count Dracula’s half brother. Discount Dracula. (A joke submitted by one of my 3rd graders using his spelling word: discount. I have to believe since this was the only one of 10 that made actual sense, there was a dad behind this one",";)" +"Just got me teen daughter Her: I'm surprised Zhanna didn't wake up. I guess she is a heavier sleeper. Me: Hmmmm, no. I think you weigh about the same","Cue eye roll" +"How do trees get online","They log on" +"I took my bread outta the toaster earlier and burnt my finger","It was pretty toasty" +"So I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said how flexible are you","I said I can't do Tuesdays" +"What is a pirates favorite letter","(hint: it's not R) Most people think Rrrr but a pirates true love be the C" +"My girlfriend was explaining to her sister that Reddit is the front page of the Internet","Her dad overheard and asked, Well then what's the last page" +"Mountains aren’t just funny","They’re hill areas" +"You know, I didn’t know that it was sunrise","Then it dawned on me" +"I don't know what the big deal is about the body transplant. Mechanics have been doing it for years. http://imgur","com/pPVYbwB Source: I'm a dad, and my neighbor is doing a body transplant now" +"I always had a feeling that my son would grow up to be a pyromaniac","He always had the burning desire" +"What time do monkeys poop","Tree Turdy" +"What is the cleanest language in the world","Polish" +"Me: I think I’ll fix the electrical problem myself. Her: I think we should call a professional . Me: Don’t worry","You’ll be shocked when I’m done" +"I stole some gold from a scientist He yelled Au","Come back" +"NASA is planning to expand their headquarters","They need more space" +"I put a twig in my glass of orange soda","It was fanta-stick" +"I thought. I had. Type. A blood, but. I was wrong","It was a typo" +"A book fell on my head yesterday. I guess","I only have my shelf to blame" +"Have you ever had that feeling where you've tasted the same mustard before","Dijon Vu" +"Want to hear a joke about paper","Never mind, it's tearable" +"Dadjoked my cousin today. My cousin plays Dungeons and Dragons in a group with me (shoutout to /r/dnd and /r/rpg. ) He couldn't make it last week on our usual meetup day and one of our group members was filling him in on what happened. Player: . So we found out the leader is at the old clocktower and- Cousin: Where's the old clocktower. Me: It's where the new clocktower used to be","*Silence" +"said on a foggy morning during a dry spell We need some rain, you think you could help with that. I tried, but I think it mist.","that was below even MY dad" +"My dad said someone called me an owl. I said “Who","” and he just laughed" +"So I started to notice that my hair, my beard, and my arm hair are slowly turning red","I guess I’m transginger" +"When my nan turned 60 She decided to start walking 2miles a day to keep fit","she’s 73 now and I have no fucking clue where she is" +"Ew. Dad, that's. PDA . Dad:","They don't sell those anymore." +"A friend of mine who worked at a movie theater died yesterday","The funeral service will be held tomorrow at 4:15, 5:20, 6:40 and 7:30" +"Two guys walk into a bar","The third one ducks." +"When is it time to go see a dentist","2:30" +"Yesterday, I learned that my wife is a dad Before dinner last night, I was teasing the kids about how we were going to have them for dinner. My daughter (4yo) had a moment where she was afraid I was serious and might actually cook her in her sleep, so I took a moment to assure her that we would never, ever eat her, and it was always just a joke. Relaying this to my wife during dinner (partly so she'd know to be a little extra careful when making that kind of jokes for a bit), she told me Making jokes about eating the children is in. wait for it","_poor taste_" +"Happens every day and it's funny every time. Daughter: Dad can you put my coat on. Me: No, your coat won't fit me","" +"People are making jokes about the apocalypse","Like there's no tomorrow!" +"Big sports news on ESPN","com: Monster Energy is sponsoring American Pharoah Good to see they didn't passover the opportunity" +"My teenage daughter saw me reading Dune She said You keep telling me to read this book. How about it","I said It's a good book, though a bit arid" +"Scientists got tired of watching the. Earth turn","So after 24 hours, they called it a day" +"My daughter got jelly on her nightgown","I said, no big deal, you'll just have sweet dreams." +"I've been waiting 7 years, 3 months, and 2 days to say something about","Something about" +"How do mountains see","They peek" +"My grandpa told me this today: G is grandpa, and Me, is well, me G: Did I ever tell you the time I got chased by a coffin. Me: No. What happened. G: Well it chased me all throughout the house, through the bedroom, kitchen and into the bathroom Me: How did you get it to stop chasing you","G: Well I grabbed the cough syrup from the cupboard because cough medicine keeps the coffin away" +"What's the difference between mint and thyme","Thyme is short" +"Pulled this one off today. Mum: I'm not a huge fan of duck eggs. Me: Yeah, I think they're quite hard to quack","*Groans from everywhere*" +"Dadjoked my new landlord today. (Potty humor within) I got a new toilet topper for you guys so you can put your shit in it. I usually just put my shit in the toilet. Let's just say we got off on the right foot. Then the left","Also should add im 18 years old and this surprised my two best friends at the landlady" +"It's time for me to stop hanging around this sub","I have outgroan it" +"This only works in Japanese In Japanese, a standard transmission is called ミッション mission (they like to shorten and repurpose words)","My wife can't drive a stick, so I said she was Mission Impossible, getting groans from my kids" +"Why do prisons serve only plain bagels","They're afraid the inmates will pick lox" +"I gotta get something off my chest. Is it your chest hair","" +"Three rings of marriage Have you heard about the three rings of marriage","There's the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, and finally the suffering" +"Going to a party today","The hosts asked the guests to bring a covered dish, so I am bringing a plate covered with tin foil" +"A danish communist pirate tried to steal the deed to my house. I told him and his gang that it was my house and he couldn’t have it","The pirate said, “No comrade, it’s Aarhus now" +"Hey son, a train just went by. Me: How do you know","Dad: It left its tracks" +"My roommate's dad stop by and dropped this one on us Roommate: Have you tried this beer. It's really good for a cheap cheap beer. Her dad: Oh, so it's a bird beer. Roommate: Huh. Her dad: It's cheap cheap beer, right","EDIT: Formatting" +"Where do Generals put their armies","In their sleevies" +"Every time. I go to the store the cashier asks if. I want the milk in the bag","Why not leave it in the carton?" +"My dad always orders the smothered chicken at restaurants","But asks if they can choke it to death instead of smothering it." +"Got my wife good My wife looked at her old belt and then at me. She said that she needed a new black belt. I told her that was a big commitment and would take a lot of training","Luckily she laughed" +"Where do you find a Phillips head","On Phillips Body" +"Coworker bought a new Ford Escape. A coworker at my office was telling me about the new Ford Escape she bought. At the end of the day, she was gathering her belongings and preparing to leave for the day. I said, Don't forget to take your computer keyboard with you. She responds, My keyboard. Why. I say, You'll need it when you get to your car","it's got the Escape key on it" +"I call my kettle Jim Carrey","Because it brews all my tea" +"What's brown and sticky","A stick" +"What did the shy ear of corn say after he was complemented","Aww shucks" +"How do you cook a kidney","Boil the piss out of it" +"What did Nazis in Switzerland wear on their arms","Swistikas" +"american sniper is a musical My dad and I were arguing whether we were gonna watch American Sniper or Into the Woods. I wanted to watch the former while he wanted to watch Into the Woods. Eventually, he started to say how Into the Woods was a better musical than what I wanted to watch. I was kinda confused and then he just said, How is it not a musical if it's full of violins. Ahe","he And he smirked and chuckled to himself and I am so mad right now" +"Coffee pot review https://i. imgur. com/dZ3XXOP","jpg" +"Have you seen this hotdog guy Kobayashi","He's a consume-it professional" +"The detective found the stolen leather bag in under a minute","It was a brief case" +"Took my legally-blind grandad to the beach to cheer him up but had to leave early because he kept staring at all the girls' asses","Hindsight's always 20/20, i guess" +"What does a clock do when it's hungry","It goes back four seconds" +"Have you heard the story about the bottomless pit","It didn't end well" +"My dad works at a bicycle wheel factory","He's their spokesman" +"My 8 year old son asked me to buy him two axes for his birthday. I told him ok, I’d get him an X and a Y. my 12 year old cracked up, the 8 year old was confused","I still look at it as a win" +"My dad laid this one out on me today My dad has a slight arabic accent. We approached an orange light and he said: Dad: Another orange light Me: It's because you're bad luck Dad: No, I'm with numbers Me: What","Dad: I'm a lock with numbers, not a padlock" +"My dad told me that when he dies, he wants his ashes to be made into fireworks so he can go out with a bang","I said, Ok, boomer" +"Why was the protein so self-consious","Because of how much it wheyed" +"Son dad joked me. We were watching a pixar movie and he said something about the movie that I didn't notice. I looked at him and said: You're on the ball","He said: No, I'm on the couch" +"My dad is opening a store selling farm tools and frozen treats","It's called Pop's Sickle Stand" +"TIL that Tiger Woods always brings an extra sock with him to his golf tournaments","Just in case he gets a hole in one" +"My dad out dad-joked my dad-joke. Necessary Terminology: Toonie= Canadian $2 Coin Friend's Facebook Status: Laundromats aren't so bad when you find a toonie in the drier. I commented: If the drier cost $2, you could call it a wash. I was sort of proud of my dad-joke, so later that day, I told my dad the story. Dad: Do you think she'll be arrested. Me: No, why","Dad: For Money Laundering" +"How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile","You see one later, and the other after while" +"Period Dad Joke (am I a dad now. ) Mom: I want to take a bath, but I'm on my period","Me: Just take a bloody bath" +"My doctor just diagnosed me with bipolar disorder","I don’t know whether to laugh or cry" +"I was thinking about betting for the underdog in the Melbourne cup","Dad: See that's why you will lose your money, they don't have dogs in horse races" +"Went to church on. Halloween","Turned out to be a blessing in disguise" +"A twist Me: I'm cold Dad: Go stand in the corner Me: Why","Dad: Because the corner is 90 degrees" +"What did the skydiver say when her pack didn't open","Chute" +"How does the moon give the sun a haircut","Eclipse it" +"My dad's favorite that he gets everyone with. Dad: You know what they say: When you assume you make an 'ASS' out of 'U. ' Me: And 'ME","' Dad: Yeah, and you too" +"How do you think the unthinkable","With an itheberg" +"I'll be disappointed if. There isn't or hasn't been a bowling team of meteorologists that called themselves The","Doppler-Gangers." +"When I was a kid, I really wanted to learn Morse Code","my hopes were dashed" +"Whenever my Muslim friend goes to pray, I usually join him with some apple pie and ice cream","So that both of us are in a la mode" +"Newspaper headline: Police toilet stolen","Cops have nothing to go on" +"I may have over done the dad jokes on my 6 year. This morning my 6 year old came to me and said My name is. Lee'sSon and. I'm hungry","I asked him why he said it like that and he looked me in the eye and said I'm to tired for you daddy" +"Grocery dad joke I was out food shopping for Thanksgiving with my wife. She asked me to grab some butter. I walked over and grabbed unsalted Land O'Lakes. She said Did you get a salted. I replied Thankfully no, I made it back safely","She just rolled her eyes" +"Why was the dog sad","His girlfriend was a bitch" +"What did the depressed Scandinavian say","I wish I had never been Bjorn" +"I made a website for orphans","It doesn't have a home page" +"Do you know why a hot dog bun looks a but like male genitalia and a hamburger bun looks like female genitalia","Gender Rolls" +"Knock Knock. - Who’s there. - Will. - Will who","Will you please unlock the door so I can get in" +"So there was a liquor store on the way home and my dad capitalized on its title. My parents and I were on our way home for spring break when my dad noticed a liquor store called The Wine Spot. He pulled into the parking lot and started complaining I'M TIRED, MY FEET HURT, I DON'T WANT TO DRIVE HOME and pulled right back out. I didn't get it at first but my mom did and then I quickly followed and just lost it","Best dad joke he's done so far :')" +"A college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes. All blonde girls are dumb. yells a boy in the back. Sony","yells the blonde girl in the front" +"Tomorrow is national Jamaican hair day","I'm dreading it" +"Want to hear a pizza joke","Never mind, it's pretty cheesy" +"In Japanese class today I asked my teacher, how long is a Japanese name","She said, no, How Long is a Chinese name" +"I have jokes about unemployed people. Bah, nevermind","They hardly ever work" +"Where do pirates go to the bathroom. Anywhere they sea","or, Anywhere they Rrrrrrr" +"I don’t know why. I find bones so funny","I just think they’re humerus" +"You know the what's brown and sticky. Well what's black and bad for your teeth","A bowling ball" +"Have you heard about the Free the Horses movement","Apparently they're really unstable" +"Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off. It's true. And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off","(I made that joke up when I was 10 and had to wait another 25 years to become a dad to tell it" +"Whats the opposite of minimum","maxidad" +"I dreamed about drowning in an orange liquid last night","Turns out it was just a Fanta sea" +"What does a dog in a nightclub do","They raise the woof" +"What's blue and smells like red paint","Blue paint" +"You know when someone very obviously has kids","It's kind of apparent." +"Why did the clock scratch","It had ticks" +"What do you call it when you do something for the first time. Peat","When you do it twice it is repeat" +"Did you know that the celebrityJonathan Ross was making illicit alcohol","It was a whisky business" +"What do you call a pig with three eyes","Piiig" +"Its 80 degrees outside and my co-worker is wearing a sweater in this heat. When","I asked him about it he said I'm just that cool" +"I asked my Swiss friend what is his favorite part about being from Switzerland","He says, Well, the flag is a big plus" +"Eastern. Europe produces a lot of techno, but it's primarily consumed by just one region:","Moravia" +"Discussing going to Disneyland today (it's raining) Sister: hmm, I wonder what Disneyland is like in the rain","Dad: Wet" +"Did you hear the one about the deaf guy","Yeah, neither did he" +"So you like men and women but are single","I guess you are Bi-yo'self" +"The death penalty isn't a bad idea in concept, but","I'm not happy with the execution" +"What is brown and rhymes with Snoop Dogg. Uh. poop log I answered. Nope. It's Dr","Dre" +"I made a joke saying this Thanksgiving would be extra special because we'll be spreading around diseases like the original Thanksgiving. Someone told me too soon . They were right","I should have waited until next week" +"Me to my husband: I got my 23&me results back and my genes say I am better off on a low-carb diet. Him: But what did your shirt say","It was so unexpected, I was proud" +"A Roman walks into a bar","A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says Five Beers please" +"Did you hear about the angry pancake","He just flipped" +"All the condiments had a race","The tomato sauce will always ketch up" +"What do you call an easy request","A sim-plea" +"Flawlessly executed a dad joke on my uncle and cousin Uncle was showing me the new laptop he had purchased. I was giving him some tips on Windows 8 and certain apps he could download. ___ He commented on a hole in the drywall near his desk: Uncle, Is there an app that can fix holes in drywall. Me, No. you'll have to download a patch. Pause. Groan. Laughter","___ I was so proud" +"What does the God of thunder eat","Thortilla" +"What does a gardener do when he's given up","He throws in the trowel" +"The sweater my kids gave me last. Christmas kept picking up static electricity…. So","I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another one…free of charge." +"How did the hipster burn his mouth","He sipped his coffee before it was cool" +"The guy who invented throat lozenges just died","There will be no coffin at his funeral" +"Happy Fourth of July","But have you wondered where the other 75% is" +"I opened up a gym for lazy pessimists","It didn't work out" +"First one in the womb, wife reading parenting book. Wife: you should probably read this when I am done so we can be on the same page. Me: how will we be on the same page if you've already finished the book","I think I already have this dad stuff down" +"I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals","IM LIVID" +"My sister about packing clothes for a flight Her: I'm not sure if I'll manage to stay under 10kg, I think I'll just bring all my light shirts","Me: That's OK, but they can be dark too" +"sitting in class so i'm a plant biology major, and i'm sitting in a seminar on pollinators. the prof leaves briefly to get water, and a friend and i start talking about grades. Friend: so you're trying to get straight A's this semester, right","Me: actually, i'm aiming for mostly bees" +"When is a car not a car","When its turning into a driveway" +"I just had a near sex experience","My wife flashed before my eyes" +"I went to an Indian restaurant and asked for a side of bread","I was disappointed when she told me they had naan" +"My five year old got me with this one today. Why didn't Ana want to give Elsa her balloon","Cause she'd just (busts into song and dance) let it go, let it go" +"What do you call a box of Altoids in the pocket of a sleeveless jacket","Investments" +"A man wanted to buy a good insecticide Is this good for wasps . a man asked the retailer","No, it kills them the retailer replayed" +"Picked this one up on my friends Facebook How many ants does it take to fill an apartment","Ten ants" +"Which is faster, hot or cold","Hot, because you can catch a cold" +"What does Pac-Man eat with his chips","Guacawakamole" +"I sandwiched in this joke over dinner. Did you know that my favourite Indian grocery store is expanding","They're opening up a New Delhi" +"What do you call a king fish","Tsardine" +"What do you call a pig that does karate","Pork Chop" +"What noise does a train make when it's sick","ACHOO ACHOO" +"What did the magician say to the fisherman. Pick a cod. Any cod","*My coworker dropped this on me*" +"Did you hear about the guy from star wars becoming a country star","His name is gonna be Darth Brooks" +"I bought my friends an elephant for their room They said: 'Thank you","' I said: 'Don't mention it" +"What did the officer molecule say to the suspect molecule","I've got my ion you" +"A horse walked into a bar","A horse walked into a bar, the barman said Hey the horse replied Sure" +"Han would be really good at limbo. He can get","Solo" +"How do you get a cow to be quiet","Press the mooot button" +"What do you call a rodent drama set in Florida","Miami Mice" +"Call me. Butter. Because","I'm on a roll!" +"My son looks just like I do","With his eyes" +"I think. I'm allergic to one specific type of nut","Cashew!" +"For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me the most secretive guy in the office","I can't tell you how much this award means to me" +"My dad's pick-up line recommendation So I'm having lunch with the family, and a girl walks in with a Google t shirt. My dad leans in to me and whispers, You should go ask that girl if she's 'searching' for you. Edit: told my dad about the turnout of this post during dinner and he told me he'd turn my Moto X phone into a Moto Ex phone if I kept using it during family meals","Looks like the fun never ends" +"People with diarrhea literally don't have their shit together","Bu they're having a blast" +"This happened at a recent Easter party at my wife’s colleague’s house: It was a party mostly with parents and their children. A kid (about 5 years old) stubbed his toe and started crying. One of the dads said, “Oh, you stubbed your toe. Want to to call the toe truck","” I know it’s not fresh, but I laughed my ass off and was slightly bitter that I didn’t think of it" +"I never understood why people don’t get along with vegans","I’ve never had a beef with one" +"I received a threat that. I would be thrown from a cliff","It was a bluff." +"Blood types Me: Dad, I donated blood yesterday, do you know what my blood type is. Dad: well. I'm B, and your mom is O, so you must be BO Mom:","he has been waiting 22 years for you to ask that" +"Want to hear a joke about paper","Never mind it's tearable" +"Dadjoked my son, my wife and my parents at the same time. While visiting a zoo, my mother remarked that 1-hump camels can't mate with 2-hump camels. I responded: So 1 hump + 2 humps = no humps","The women groaned, my son smiled, and my father just nodded approvingly" +"Why isn't your nose 12 inches","Because then it would be a foot" +"I told my dad my new license had a picture of a crab on it","He said, Honey, you should have smiled" +"A french boy asked his Dad for two eggs","but he said one was un œuf" +"Ready to be a father. I went down to my local country pub and saw some Morris dancers. One of their boys was all dressed up in the bells and feathers as well. I tapped my mate on the shoulder and said Hey, look at that. A morris minor","(American friends, please use Google translate)" +"2 peanuts were walking down the street","One was a salted" +"Did you know you can wear any boat as a hat","You just turn it over and it's capsized" +"What's the difference between a camera and a sock","One takes 5 toes and the other takes 1 less" +"Did you guys hear about the kidnapping","Don't worry, he just woke up" +"Why see a seamstresses or tailor on Friday the 13th","They know a lot about superstitches" +"Police recently apprehended prime suspects","One was released on a technicality, but two and three are still in custody" +"My dad's funeral plans","I want piñatas at my funeral so people can be happy, but filled with bees so they're not too happy." +"I phoned up the place where I'd applied for a job at. I said, I'm looking for Jane Wilkinson. The manager of the department. She said, Speaking","I said, English" +"Sequel to Boyz n the Hood My dad dropped this on me today","Dad: When I was growing up there was a Movie called *Boyz n the Hood* Me: Okay dad Dad: Then a sequel came out and it was called *Girlz n the Trunk* Me: >_>" +"I'm so proud While playing shovel knight with my 7 year old son, he turns to me with a huge smile on his face and says, I'm really digging this music. So I reply yeah it is good. No dad","I'm DIGGING it" +"I was a bit afraid of making breakfast this Halloween morning but","I ain't afraid of no toast" +"My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so","I finally decided to pull the plug" +"Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez seems to be a pretty accomplished politician","Imagine if she was Fulltime-Cortez" +"I spilled my coffee beans on the floor, but it's okay","I prefer my coffee ground" +"My wife is going to be mad at me when she finds out I accidentally mislabeled all of her spices in her spice rack","The thyme is cumin" +"I started a support group for dyslexia","It’s called Dyslexics Untied" +"Girlfriends Grandpa is the dad joke king. Little sister: I had to water the kool-aid down, it was really strong","Grandpa: Oh, was it running, or lifting weights" +"This one is from by 7 y/o daughter Ama (grandma): you’re so tall. it looks like your legs grew a foot. Daughter: Ama","I’ve always had a foot on my legs" +"I met this guy on an elevator. Him: you know why my jokes work so well Me: Why","Him: Because they're funny on so many levels" +"I farted in my wallet. Now","I have gas money" +"Did you hear about the two cells who were dating","They split up" +"What is blue but doesn't weigh very much","Light blue" +"What do you call a 3. 14 meter snake","A  πthon" +"How do you make a salad more extreme","You add extra RADDDDishes 🤙" +"Why do communist hate bacon","Because it’s from capitalist pigs" +"I can see exactly six years into the future","I've got 2020 vision!" +"What do you call a redditor who can wield Mjolnir","A reddithor" +"I sent 10 puns off to a pun competition to see if they would win","No pun intended" +"A child’s observation:","If a mother laughs at dad’s jokes, we have guests." +"My boyfriend told me he wanted to bake pie- I said Can I bake a pie with you","He said i'm not tasty enough to be in a pie" +"What kind of shoes do horses wear when they're on the beach","Clip Clops" +"TIL bananas are the most popular fruit in the world","I guess I see the appeel" +"Never let a urologist perform laser eye surgery on you","You might end up cock eyed" +"My cousin was in the hospital and he couldn’t walk or talk. “What was wrong with him","” Nothing he was just born 2 hours ago" +"2 years ago, the doctor told me I was ' losing my hearing","Haven't heard from him since" +"Why do chicken coops have two doors","If there were four it would be a chicken sedan" +"Dadjoked my girlfriend. I'm in a long-distance relationship so in the mornings my girlfriend will often text me and just give a simply Hey, I love you, good morning and occasionally ask how I slept. Her: How'd you sleep","Me: Laying down with my eyes closed" +"I was reading an article about top porn searches around the globe","It was titled “what has this world come to���" +"Why are blind people the most empathetic","Because they feel everything" +"my daughter asked me to buy her a pillow. I told her that","I support her dreams." +"Today I found out whether headphones would get tangled up in a vacuum","Turns out it would knot" +"Talking to a colleague at work. This guy is mad, his computer is running really slow","Of course it is running really slow, computers don't have legs" +"Dad, on Kickstarter My dad just discovered the news piece about the guy who raised $50k for potato salad. Since there is clearly money to be made, he suggests that the family should get in on it. Mom: But what could we sell. You have to sell something or be making a movie. Dad: I was thinking electrical motorcycle starters Mom: . what","Dad: You know, so they don't have to use kick-starters anymore" +"Dadjoked my date last night Went ice skating, she was wearing gloves that were meant to resemble Koala bears. I told her they wouldn't let her in if she was wearing them. She looked at me, bewildered","so I informed her that her gloves didn't meet the koalifications" +"Why was Santa's unemployed son so upset","Because, at this point in his life, he didn't want to be, a dependent Claus" +"Which martial art is considered the official martial art practiced by Jews","Jewdo" +"Son, I wanted to let you know you are adopted , my dad told me. Are you kidding. REALLY. I shouted. Yup, get ready , he said. They'll be picking you up in about an hour","X-post from /r/Jokes" +"Where do you find the best pirates. Costco","You can get a 4 pound apple pie for like $12" +"My 16 year old brother will make a good Dad I'm backpacking Europe right now and texting my family on the way. Brother: Hey, what's going on. Me: I'm good. Packing up to head to Dublin. Brother: Oh no. Biggest city in the world, how are you going to do that. Me: . Dublin is tiny. And I'm taking a bus. Brother: It's the biggest city because it keeps Dublin'","Me: Oh my fucking god Greg" +"What do you call a group of drunk state officials who make decisions","A beeraucracy" +"What does a Pokemon call a herpes outbreak","Bulbasores" +"Caught myself singing this while setting up for the family","♫ If you wanna cook out You've gotta take her out, Propane" +"A friend of mine keeps running red lights","he's really just gotta stop" +"My daughter kept complaining that it was too cold","I told her to go stand in the corner, it's 90 degrees there" +"My daughters interpretation of a knock knock joke We love Knock knock jokes at dinner. My wife's favorite was Knock knock, who's there, butter, butter who. Butter let me in I gotta poop. The day finally came for my 5 year old daughter to tell it and this was her rendition. Knock knock, who's there, Butter, butter who","Butter me up, I gotta poop" +"This one time, all the rooms in a hotel were booked. But then comes this one guy, who asks for a room, in the same hotel, and gets one easily. Because his name was Improvement","And there's always room for improvement" +"My son got me today. He was writing an essay, and he can only focus well while eating, and he kept eating bananas. When he finished his third one, I told him he was nuts","Then he told me Actually, I'm bananas" +"On his deathbed, my grandfather said, “Remember these two words. It’ll open a lot of doors for you in life","” Push and Pull" +"Told my dad i'd like to be knighted","He said he'd rather be dated, then gave himself a hearty chuckle" +"I was at a hotel and asked the front desk to switch my pillow out with one filled with feathers","It was a down grade" +"Why did the orange juice fail his math exam","Because he wasn't concentrated" +"A few years ago,. I went to a. Rush concert over in the. Czech. Republic. Best. Prague rock show","I've ever seen." +"Sean Connery. David Niven. George lazenby. Roger Moore. Timothy Dalton. Pierce Brosnan. Daniel Craig","They all share a bond" +"What do you both say to the malevolent tumor that's pestering you and the surgeon treating it","Cut it out" +"What's a decent Asian stereo type","Sony and Yamaha are my favorite" +"If you have two medians in your data, chances are both of them are laughing","And trying to figure out who’s the better co-median" +"Why does the conductor always forget things","He keeps losing his train of thought" +"A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer","Bartender says, 'Sorry we don't serve food here" +"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks","They charged one - and let the other one off" +"What do you call a person who adds milk before cereal","A cereal killer" +"I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something scary's about to happen","I can feel it" +"What do you call a croatian mercenary","A TIE-fighter" +"My phone only works in chapel","It's pray as you go." +"My wife keeps telling me to put down the bag of dirt but","I'm holding my ground." +"What do you call a girl that's covered in small pieces of ice","Hailey" +"I think the pocket protector is underrated","It's near and dear to my heart" +"I'm fighting conformity","Who's with me" +"You know why they named it the “bell”","Because it has a nice ring to it" +"Did you hear about the guy who ate bananas whole","He didn’t peel too well" +"Dadjoked the Optometrist I went to the optometrist for an eye test today and he was showing me the picture he took of the inside of my eye. He pointed to the macula and said it looked perfect","I said So you think it's immaculate" +"A flock of geese flew on to my back porch yesterday. I guess you could say they were","Portuguese" +"BRAKING NEWS","I was successfully able to stop my car" +"Why couldn't the amoeba call his friend","Because he didn't have any *cell* service" +"I was working my job at the coffee shop when one of the customers shouted: “This coffee tastes like mud","” “Well of course, sir,” I replied, “It’s fresh ground after all" +"My dad is an amazing farmer","He's outstanding in his field" +"I thought of a joke about a lollipop, but I forgot","It was at the tip of my tongue" +"I hate those people who come and pound on your door, telling you to get out or you’ll burn","Stupid firefighters" +"Do you like Mexican food. No. Why not","I don't want to Taco bout It" +"My Dad My Dad had a brain injury resulting from a fall and was in a nursing home for a year till he passed away. One of the things we both loved were Dad jokes and puns. When I visited him in the nursing home it was often a one way conversation. I would just ramble on not sure if he could hear me or understand me, but it didn't matter. One day I arrived and sat with him while he stared into the distance and I said, Gees Dad you should see the weather outside it's raining cats and dogs and I damn near stepped in a poodle. He turned to me slowly and grinned and said, That's an ollllllld joke , then he turned away and disappeared again. But for a few seconds he was there. all of him. The power of Dad jokes","I miss him" +"Do you have holes in your socks","No Then how do you put them on" +"When a bear shops for a new family car, some features are a must-have","For instance it needs to have adequate cub holders" +"My Israeli dog just choked me out","He's a black belt in Jew Shih Tzu" +"What's green with little red wheels. Grass. I was lying about the little red wheels. Missing my grandpa today","This was always his favorite" +"My ear was aching so i went to see a doctor,she asked me “What ear is it","” ‘2018’ i replied calmly" +"Where does the king keep his armies","in his sleevies" +"I remember my dad pulled out the seat i was about to sit on, and i fell hard on my butt. He then said","Well, i guess you fell for that" +"People don’t believe me when I say I can cut a piece of wood in half with my eyes","It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes" +"Did you hear about the woman who backed into an airplane propellor","Disaster" +"Got the banker today Me: signs document Banker: Oh, sorry, you also have to swear to the information on this paper Me: Well, that's kinda weird. Banker: Yeah, since this is a sworn document, you have to swear. It's weird, I know","*holds up piece of paper and makes a concentrated face* Fuck" +"What did the fish say when it ran into a concrete wall","Dam" +"What did the melon say when his girl wanted to run off and get married","Sorry honeydew, I cantaloupe" +"Me: If you were a fruit, you know what fruit you would be . Babe: What. Me: a fine-apple. And if you were a vegetable","I'd visit you in the hospital" +"I got gas today for $1","Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell" +"I had my leg X-rayed today. The doctor told me: Your patella measures 2. 54 cm. By surprise, I said: Inch high knees. The doctor replied: 你的髕骨尺寸為2","54厘米" +"As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden","The plot thickens" +"Do I enjoy making courthouse puns","Guilty" +"A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper","He then proceeded to draw his weapon" +"I hate crowds, and just walked into a room full of married people","Thankfully, there wasn’t a single person in there" +"You can't run through a campsite","You can only ran, 'cause it's past tents." +"I got voted in as. Chairman of the. Walkie-Talkie. Association today","The vote was 10 - 4" +"Which is the number 1 cereal brand in Asgard. Bifrosties *holy shit almost crapped my pants with excitement when I came up with this","GF not as excited, I'm counting on you guys" +"The pope has more cats than is healthy","I guess he's a catholic" +"When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie","That annoying" +"I Dad Joked my Dad My brother was recently deployed for the military, my dad likes to send him stuff to keep in touch. One day my father says, Gabe, remind me about the letters. I respond sure dad A, B, C, D, E, F, G. Edit: Punctuation (This is my first time posting anything on Reddit",")" +"Cheese Grater So my sisters boyfriend is grating cheese for a super bowl dip","He looks up and says, I'm the gratest" +"Did you hear about the partially blind man who fell in a well","He couldn't see that well" +"What do you call an. American bee","USB" +"What’s E. T short for","Because he has little legs" +"Bridal Showers My fiance was on the phone with her mother, talking about her surprise bridal shower. She's looking at the registry and says, well mom it looks line I'm not having a shower. Nobody has bought the shower curtains","I was so proud" +"Me: Did you steal my thesaurus","Horse: Nope" +"What has two butts and kills people","An assassin" +"My wife just gave birth today, and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside sheepishly and asked How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex","He winked at me and said I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park" +"I tried out my new vacuum","It sucks" +"Dad, how come you didn't name me after you","Well, because we named you after your Mom, squirt" +"I used to work at a bank","Until I lost interest" +"My wife asked me to go down to the shop to pick up six cans of sprite","When I got to the checkout I realized I accidentally picked 7-up" +"Driving by a funeral home My dad says, People are dying to get in there. Then a moment later, They're so busy they're buried","Couldn't resist laughing" +"Vacation dad joke So my boyfriend and I are on vacation and we drove past a putt putt golf course and my boyfriend says to me does that giraffe look unrealistically muscular to you","And I said, yeah, he must have hit the jungle gym" +"What month has 28 days","All of them" +"Heres one. I offended two people by calling them hipsters","Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins" +"Why did the chef lose the cooking competition","He ran out of thyme" +"My wife was angry that. I had a bad sense of direction so","I packed up my things and right" +"Got an eye roll with this one My daughter: Dad you're really going to town on those eggs with that fork. Me:","You better stand back it's whisk-y business" +"I received hate mail today wishing. I fell down a well","It was signed ‘From a well-wisher’." +"Why was the jailer sad his inmates were all released","He had Post-Pardon Depression" +"I let the Spaniard know he had a little green stain on the back of his shorts","He replied, grassy ass" +"Who is in charge of the hankies","The handkerchief" +"I recently lost my job at the orange juice factory","I just couldn’t concentrate" +"I’m traveling to Greenwich tomorrow","I’m not sure what to do in the Mean Time" +"Watching planet of apes","Dad: the trouble with this movie is there's to much monkeying around Me: audible groan" +"I check the obituaries everyday","I can’t believe all those people died in alphabetical order" +"Nice nose","Did you pick it yourself?" +"At my book club, I wondered why they were throwing Stephen King novels around","Then IT hit me" +"Proud father moment Dropping the kids off this morning and my daughter says, I'm tired. I didn't sleep well. My son pipes in, Hi, tired","I'm Luke" +"When I was in pirate school","I hated getting my report cards because I always got seven seas" +"What did Johnny Cage hear in Helsinki Cathedral","FINNISH HYMN" +"My Grand Pa tells the worst jokes but this is his best. Grand Pa: What does Mr. Potato Head and Cuba have in common. Me:*expecting the worst*What's that","Grand Pa: They both have a dictator" +"What do you call an elephant with a carrot in each ear. Anything you want","He can’t hear you" +"A dad poem Not really a joke, but my dad would say this poem all the time. One bright day in the middle of the night Two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, Drew their swords, and shot one another","A deaf policeman heard the noise And came to the rescue of the two dead boys If you don't believe this lie is true, Ask the blind man, he saw it too" +"I think. Instagram made me sick","I got a bad case of influencer" +"My dad used to get me and my little sister with this daily. Before I could put my own shoes on I would always ask m dad for help and This was his response every damn time. me daddy can you put my shoes on please Dad","I can but I don't think they will fit me Followed this my dad would laugh hysterically and me whining saying Nooo on meeeeee" +"In return for helping him with his legal fees, my neighbor made me a seafood dinner","You could call it a squid pro quo" +"What’s the difference between a regular joke and a dad joke","When the punch line becomes a parent" +"We thought that bald eagles were an endangered species for the longest time. Until the recent discovery that there's actually a lot more out there","They just comb over" +"Why did the stadium get hot after the game","All of the fans left" +"Want to hear a paper joke","Nevermind, it's tearable" +"So. I was addicted to the hokey pokey. But,","I turned myself around." +"When I'm at work, sometimes I poop on the clock","The janitor hates me" +"Why did the cowboy have a Dachshund","Because he wanted to get a long little doggy" +"My dad had a good one yesterday. We pull into the drive through at In-N-Out. My dad orders two cheeseburgers, two fries, a medium Coke, a medium sprite, and some extra ketchup. Woman on speaker: Ok. Will that be all for you. Dad: No, some of that is for my son","Woman on Speaker:" +"Just sold my. Honda element. Guess","I am out of my element now." +"The ultimate dad joke I made this for when my son asks how babies are made https://www. instagram. com/dkmpose/p/BwoRJ19BCgG/","utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=pg995ffh0pc7" +"My mom's accidental dad joke My great aunt died recently. My mom called and told me at school. I guess my aunt had fallen asleep on the couch and never woke up. She had an enlarged heart, the doctors said, and it gave out on her while she was sleeping. I didn't really know my aunt, but my mom grew up with her. So I asked my mom if she was okay. Yeah I'm okay, she said. I will miss her, but she died peacefully. She was a good woman","She had a really big heart" +"Why were all the dogwood trees silent","They lost their bark" +"How do you greet low-frequency electromagnetic radiation","With a MICRO wave" +"What did the fish say when he swam into a brick wall","DAM" +"What do you call a girl between two posts","Annette" +"Who is Barack' s southern uncle","Al Obama" +"What's the difference between time and space","one's called time , the other's called space" +"I started a nightclub for men with erectile dysfunction. It was a total flop","and nobody came" +"How do you call a snowman in Africa","Water" +"My dad recently started attending church for the first time in his life","I think he might be getting some mid life Christs' in" +"Dadjoked the girlfriend last night Last night the gf and I were watching netflix and having a good time when I paused the show and said: me: Babe, I have something important to tell you. her: OMG. What. me: what does Poseidon use to wash his clothes. silence","me: Tide i'll see myself out" +"Why did Columbus take to the sea","He was convinced that the world would not B flat" +"I got a hair cut and saw the opportunity. Friend: Hey did you get a haircut","Me: No, I had them all cut" +"My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child, but I disagree","I love both Matthew and not-Matthew equally" +"Got my wife looking at discount Valentine's Day candy Wife: How much are kisses. Me: Kisses are free","*kisses wife*" +"Dad joked my GF this morning. My girlfriend made me an omelet this morning and afterward this conversation occurs: Her: What did you think of the omelet. Me: I thought it was eggs-elent. Her: . Me: what. It was just a yolk. She didn't appreciate it","Hopefully you guys do" +"My family is driving through a cemetery. and we pass one of those memorial/tombstone benches that has the last name Smart on it. Those are for Smart asses, he says","Nice one, dad" +"Dadjoked My Teacher a Few Years Back When I was in 8th grade, a had a relatively new teacher in the school. Pretty young guy, probably in his early 30s. During the middle of a lesson while writing on the board, he dropped the piece of chalk he was young. I took that opportunity to say chalk about bad luck, huh","He facepalmed, surpressed a laugh, and now two years later we never make eye contact in the hallways nor talk to each other" +"What's the difference between a rhino and a zippo. A rhino is really heavy","A zippo is a little lighter" +"Why is it better to eat a Moon rock than an Earth rock","It's a little meteor" +"My daughter asked if. I'd give her a piggy back. I told her","I didn't take them" +"To the person who stole my copy of mircosoft office","I will find you, you have my word" +"My dad got me good yesterday. Dad: (talking about my dog) Her right eye is getting a little cloudy. Me: Yeah those are cataracts, right","Dad: No I think they're dogaracts" +"Did you hear the one about the world’s most honorable comedian","He was a real stand-up guy" +"I went through the self-check out today","I looked pretty damn good" +"Scientists have discovered that diarrhoea is hereditary","It runs in your jeans" +"Why couldn't the melons get married right away. Because they can't elope. Why did they want to get married","Because that honey was dew" +"My farm used to only be 3x3 acres but. I recently bought more land","The plot thickens" +"Daughter: I have to do a report on sinkholes. Me: Oh, well do you know the best kind of sinkhole","Sinkhole de Mayo" +"A man just attacked me with cheese and milk","How dairy" +"What's the dumbest animal in the jungle","The penguin" +"Alcohol is not the answer","It helps forget the question though" +"There’s probably a lot of kids being conceived during this crisis","And in 13 years they will all be called quaran-teens." +"Ouch I swallowed a dictionary","I have thesaurus throat I've ever had" +"If Crayola gets rid of a colour","Is it a pigment of our imagination" +"What’s the internal temperature of a TaunTaun","It’s around Lukewarm" +"Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii","Or just a low ha" +"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh. 10","Ten tickles" +"I love politically incorrect jokes. Here’s my favorite","Benjamin Franklin was a great President" +"You really shouldn't watch any horror movie today. It may,","Fri 10 you." +"My cheese spoon is coming home. My old roommate moved out and accidentally absconded with my cheese spoon. She is coming back to my home-state and wrote this on my facebook wall. Friend: Guess who else is coming back to CO- your cheese spoon. It's been on two continents and eight states in the last 8 months. It's coming back with a broader world perspective, but it's still the same spoon. My Response: Perfect. Because all the cheese I eat is also cultured","I will update if I get any wonderful eye-rolling responses" +"My girlfriend is ready","After a great night, we were cuddling when she grabbed my keys off the table, poked me in the chest with them, and asked 'does this turn you on?'" +"How were the cattle introduced at the slaughter house","They had a meat and greet" +"What did the one eye say to the other eye. Hey Between you and me","something smells" +"The girlfriend got me with this one this morning Her: You know what's odd. Me: What","Her: Numbers not divisible by two" +"What is Kenobi","And why did Obi win it" +"My friend's dad told me he was one og the Spice Girls. Really","Yeah, Old Spice" +"Walking by a clothing store, my wife says, “I would like to try on the swimsuit in the front window","” Me: I think you have to use the dressing room like everyone else" +"Why should you never make too many cookies at once","You're taking too big of a whisk" +"How do sheep keep fit","Baa bells" +"Did you hear about the sodium chloride killer","He killed his victims with asalt weapon" +"For years, kids have been sent to a mime school","Never to be heard from again" +"A mystery about stolen. Easter eggs","It was a real basket case." +"Why are fish easy to weigh","Because they have their own scales" +"I've started being more environmentally friendly","I just told a tree that it's really attractive" +"A person asked me, Aren't you the guy who brags about weird stuff","I replied, No, Im the guy who takes the longest baths in the city" +"My wife says to me this morning Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid","I say What's it so fraid of?" +"Ever since our son was born, it's been the same routine every morning","First the crying, then a breastfeeding, followed by a nap… It's the only way I can cope…" +"My wife's Mexican cousin got mad. I asked him what was wrong, he didn't wanna taco bout it","(The groan heard around the world)" +"How did Pavlov get such great hair","He conditioned it" +"I can't wait for the new Veggietales movie. I hear it covers WW2 including Canadian Bacon, French Bread, Spanish Wine, American Roasts, British Root Veggies, and Nazi Sausages. I'm not saying I'll watch it","But there's been wurst casting" +"I'm about to make the world's largest omelette","Best get cracking" +"What do you call a lizard that repeats itself","A Gecho" +"How do you top a car","You tap on the brakes, tupid" +"Was reverse dadjoked by my 2. 5 year old son earlier. Son: Dada, I want sumfin' to eat. Me: Oh are you hungry","Son: No Dada, I Malcolm" +"I adopted a dog from a blacksmith","But as son as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door" +"Where do cats learn to clean themselves","At a Cat Lick school" +"I broke one of my fingers at work today. On the other hand, everything is","OK" +"If. Gandalf had grandkids,. They'd probably call him","Grandalf." +"What did the cat eat on a hot day","A mice cream cone" +"What's Justin Timberlake's favorite part of Ukraine","The Crimea River" +"Made my dad cringe with this dad joke yesterday. Yesterday was my dad's birthday, and he turned 52. I called him to wish him a happy birthday, find out what he wanted to do for dinner, etc, all the stuff you do on someone's birthday. Then I said, You're only ten years away from your one-minute birthday. He seemed confused so I had to clarify. You know, your. Sixty-Second birthday. I could hear the cringe through the phone, and I heard my fiancée groan from downstairs","Now I just have to hope he forgets over the next ten years so I can make this joke again" +"Mickey mouse failed to divorce with. Minnie mouse because the judges said “you can’t just divorce with someone for being stupid” to which. Mickey said: “I didn’t say she was stupid,. I said she was fucking","Goofy”" +"My wife told me our kid nearly burned down the house","Now I'm really scared of arson" +"Did you hear about the fire at the camp site","It was in tents" +"Psychic buying clothes (xpost /tumblr) http://i. imgur. com/30Jvnmz","jpg" +"My son was arguing about taking a nap. So","I yelled at him that he was resisting a rest" +"I love my furniture","Me and my recliner go way back" +"I think. I have an iron deficiency","All my clothes have wrinkles !" +"This exchange elsewhere on reddit. [This exchange](http://imgur. com/zwohOUS) from [this comment](https://www. reddit","com/r/firstworldanarchists/comments/3f1ghl/im_a_bird_so_i_sleep_where_i_want/ctktdph)" +"Why are steps the most rude part of your house","Because they are always staring" +"Dad wanted me to pick something up before coming home today Dad: hey can you pick up a duckdoo for tonight","Me: what the fuck is a duckdoo Dad: quack" +"My friend keeps telling me to stop making Rogue One puns","She's told me that like 10 Erso times" +"This guy's waiting on the bus","So the bus driver asks him Could you please come down from there" +"I asked my blonde g/f, What do you call a creature that is half man and half animal","In a flash she said, Buffalo Bill" +"I’d like to tell my lasagna joke here,","but it’s multi-layered and way too cheesy" +"My brother's girlfriend pulled this one. Her: What do lawyers wear to court","Me: Uh, suits, norm- Her: Lawsuits" +"My SO needs the bedroom door locked at night. I've never *not* locked it, but he checks. I asked why he didn't trust me","He said, I don't know, I guess it hinges on some things" +"Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom","The P is silent" +"Did you hear about the guy who had his entire left side cut off in an accident","He's alright now" +"I was wondering why there was music coming from printer","Then I realised the paper was jammin" +"What did daddy spider say to baby spider","You spend too much time on the web" +"So, I have to wear a back brace. I have to wear it because of an unnatural curve in my spine","Whenever I reference it, my dad says brace yourself :/" +"Dad talking about","DJ's Son, if you want to become a popular disc jockey, you got to start from scratch." +"The most satisfying accomplice. So I don't have a joke, I just wanted to share that my 6 year old daughter is completely on board with my dad jokes all of a sudden and it's fucking awesome. This is the new normal interaction with my daughter: -she throws her stuffed bear on bean bag. -I sit on top of said bear on bag containing beans. -she screams nooooooooo. Don't. -I get up and say he doesn't look beary hurt to me, he looks fine. And this here's the great part, SHE says get it. beary. And she then goes on to explode laughing and repeating beary. It's basically the opposite of what my wife's reaction is everytime I make a joke","I know it won't last long, but shit is it sweet" +"Did you hear about the Mexican Fireman who’s wife had twins","He named One Jose and the other Hose B" +"My wife saw two mangos. in the pear section and said that's not where they belong I replied it's a pair of mangos and they belong exactly where they are","The man next to us got a good chuckle" +"How do crazy people cross the forest","They take the psycho-path" +"A local bakery just burned down","The owner put everything he had into that shop, but now his whole business is toast" +"How annoying, 365 days until","Christmas and there is already decoration everywhere" +"The mama buffalo dropped off her son off at school. What did she say","Bison" +"My dad came up to me while I was on the computer","wash your hands after you're done, there are a ton of viruses on there" +"What is baby superman afraid of","His crib-tonyte" +"Wife told me you must not have slept well, you kept talking about potassium in your sleep last night. I replied: Do you know where I buy all my potassium. no. where","K-Mart" +"What did the robot do when it got mud on its shoe","Reboot" +"No matter how high you set the thermostat","It'll always be room temperature" +"Mario and. Luigi are overrated","Toad's the fungi" +"What did the left eye say to the right eye","Between you and me, something smells" +"Vegans must think we meat eaters are gross","In our defence, a person who sells vegetables is grocer" +"I think i should learn sign language","It’s very handy" +"A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says hey","The horse replies sure" +"What do you call a litigious cook","A sue chef" +"What did the janitor say after he jumped out of the closet","Supplies" +"My girlfriend lives in another city. Last night she texted me saying I wish you were here; the rains are beautiful . I replied with So. you want me to c'monsoon. She hasn't replied yet","Guess she stormed out" +"Why should you take an extra pair of socks when golfing","In case you get a hole in one" +"Why do people like fizzy drinks","They're sodalicious" +"I have the hots for this girl who has a lazy eye","But she won't even look at me" +"The news was showing a series of major fires all within close proximity to each other. my fiancée said It's probably arson. I retort with Our son would never do that","Its a wonder she's marrying me" +"I hate when people tell banana jokes","They always come in bunches." +"From my 8yo daughter: What is grass’ favorite Disney movie","Mu-lawn" +"I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house","Now it’s the neighborhood watch" +"Don't accept shampoo","Demand real poo" +"What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend","She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all" +"What's red and bad for your teeth","a brick" +"What does Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common","They have the same middle name" +"Why didn’t the rooster go on the roller coaster","He was chicken" +"After finding the murder weapon, the detectives quickly convicted the murderer, who turned out to be a businessman","It was a brief case" +"I found little pieces of food all over my bed and was dusting it off,","I honestly have no idea where it may have crumb from." +"Why did the noodle get a ticket","He rolled pasta stop sign" +"Wawa employee didn't get it. Getting a sub from Wawa, and the girl who wrapped the sub up didnt get the corner in so it was hanging out. Her: Sorry for the bad wrap job","Me:It's ok, I dont like hop-hop anyway" +"My mum was putting away a container of raspberries and remarked that is was leaking","I said Maybe you should put it in the vegetable drawer" +"I think my golden retriever is defective","He has yet to retrieve any gold" +"When you exercise and start perspiring","you are quite literally a sweater" +"Do you guys know how much Santa paid for all his reindeer","Nothing, they were on the house" +"Why did the skeleton go to the dance alone","Because he had no 'body' to go with" +"How do you find a spider","You surf the web" +"I have a Russian friend who's a sound technician. And a Czech one too","And a Czech one too" +"What's it called when a man in a kilt stands on a ladder","A bell tower" +"Dad on the topic of a two story house","I know our house only has one floor; we were going to have a second floor, but that's another story" +"What do you get when you roll a joint with a page from the dictionary","High definition" +"A man walked into a bar","Ouch" +"I prefer not to travel by. Greyhound. I'm afraid","I'll get a terminal illness." +"I’ll be going extreme camping this weekend","Its going to be in-tents" +"What do you call a vampire whos car breaks down 3 miles from the bloodbank","A cab" +"Got the wife while going to bed after midnight. She was in bed before me and I yanked the covers off her when I got in bed. She threatened to cut me off for a month","I haven't gotten laid all year, what's one more month" +"Who's the main character in the legend of Zelda. [Link] (https://www. google. com/search. q=image+of+the+word+gottem&oq=image+of+the+word+gottem&aqs=chrome. 69i57j33l3","5289j0j9&client=ms-android-htc&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8#imgrc=_qE-mtWpN0cj1M:)" +"What’s the most solitary style of cheese","Prov-alone" +"do you have 11 protons","cause you're sodium fine ;)" +"Told this one this weekend to groans. A friend mentioned she bought something on eBay while living in. Canada, so","I said eeb, eh?" +"TIL the Fugawi were a Native American tribe from the civil war era. They are widely regarded as some of the worst trackers because they always ended up lost","When they met others outside their tribe, they would say We're the Fugawi" +"What do you call two trans midgets havin sex","A microtransaction" +"I asked Larry how his checkup at the doctors went and he burst into tears, Then tells me how the Doctor said he has to take one pill three times a day for the rest of his life. I told Larry not to be such a baby","But mate he only gave me 6 pills" +"I would never let my child date an artist. That's where","I draw the line" +"What’s the chiropractors favourite music","Hip-pop" +"My girlfriend refused to have sex on my Honda civic","She said she will do it on her own Accord" +"A bear walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender and says Can I get a. beer. Bartender says Why the big pause","Bear responds idk man I was born with them" +"Did you find everything alright","No, some of it was on the left" +"My wife almost dropped her phone in her cup of tea tonight","I said, that would be such a travesty" +"Nothing much, what's up with you. So my friend and I were listening to Uptown Funk in her car. When the part that says uptown funk gon' give it to ya I would replay uptown with updog . After a few times if me mumbling it she asked. What are you saying. Me: Updog funk gon' give it to ya Her: what's updog","*i just smiled* Her: oh you fucking asshole" +"What do you call a Unicorn without the horn","A Eunuchorn" +"Why are bakers in France always in agony","Because to the French, bread is pain" +"I just got a futuristic coffee maker","It was a ground-breaking development" +"My girlfriend bought me a baby chicken for Easter. I said why did you get me this","She said it was going cheap" +"What do you call an elf who rides the subway and is always on time","A metro-gnome" +"Grandpa told me this one every time I saw him. There are two snakes. The first snake asks the second snake, Are we poisonous. The second snake asks, Why","The first snake answers, I just bit my lip" +"I'm planning a science experiment I teach Physics. One of my students pointed out to me that I nod my head a lot as I'm talking with students one on one or in small groups. When we get to waves, I'm going to ask them to count the number of times I nod my head in one class","Then they can calculate the frequency at which I nod my head, or in other words, how much my head Hertz" +"Why couldn’t the sailors play cards","The captain was standing on the deck" +"Knock. knock. Knock. knock. Who's there. Cows say. Cows say who","No, cows say moo" +"My niece invited me to her beach house. She said their isn't any AC so I should bring a fan","No thanks, I don't like my groupies following me when I'm on vacation" +"Dad deciding which. Archeology","Masters to do: I'm going to go and dig up some info" +"Just asked siri Surely, it won't rain today. She replied It certainly will, and don't call me Shirley","Forgot i was on airplane mode" +"I’m being haunted by a dead chicken","It’s a poultrygiesy" +"Why is it a good idea to have a pocket full of Ricolas when visiting a funeral home","Because of all the coffins" +"The. Three. Unwritten. Rules. Of","Life 1) 2) 3)" +"What's a relieved TV show","Phewturama" +"On vacation with Dad in India, in a long line to visit some ancient tombs","People are really dying to get in here" +"How does Thor reach the sky","He uses the elevathor" +"Dad joked by my mom","For my 18th birthday my mom bought me a money origami kit so that I could learn how to manage my money" +"My girlfriend got rapid fire dadjoke'd by my dad and I My girlfriend: My brother went to london when he was studying abroad. My dad: Oh, what was her name","Me: How long did one last him" +"You know what they say about being a doctor","Patients is key." +"Recently broke my thumb, I asked the nurse if I’d be able to play the piano","She said I would I said that’s good I couldn’t play it before" +"What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe","Kilometery Cyrus" +"I went to cut my dads hair When I went into the kitchen I noticed this near-empty spice bottle, when I realized what it was I had to hurry into the living room before the haircut as I pulled out this classic line with the bottle in-hand. “We have to hurry. I didn’t realize we were running out of thyme. ” I felt like the universe planted that perfectly for me","I learned from the best, then I cut his hair" +"How did the supervisor deal with the incompetent employees","Eh, he managed" +"What do you call a Jamaican that can fly","Super Mon" +"So I am checking in at the airport with dad on our way down to PAX and after we've checked our baggage he asks the attendant would I be able to check my son in as baggage too","and when the attendant tells him he can't he replies with I guess I'll just have to **♫ Carry on my wayward son ♫**" +"My dad gave me some advice a few years ago. He said, Son, if you ever get into a fight in the pub, just take a ball from the pool table and put it in your sock","Worst advice ever, I could hardly run" +"Why did the Mexican take Xanax","For Hispanic attacks" +"I was talking with my daughter earlier today. I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it","I told her to sleep on it" +"What did the one airplane say to the other","Watch your altitude" +"A shoplifter stole an entire case of red bull from my store","I don’t know how he sleeps at night" +"What do you call a constipated detective","No shit Sherlock" +"I cooked a medium rare steak for my friend and he said, “I like it well done. ” I said, “Thanks","That means a lot" +"What do you call humor with no lube","Dry" +"I complimented all of my kids today for being so optimistic","because every darn glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full" +"What is the funniest candy bar","Snickers" +"Why couldn't Hitler eat oranges","Because he hated the juice" +"Wanna here a construction joke","Never mind, I’m still working on it" +"I’ve this irrational fear of crowds and I just walked into a room crammed with married people","Thankfully there isn’t a single person in it" +"My dog mated with a bird the other month, so. I have some puppies for sale","They are going cheap" +"I want to open a fishing supply store that only sells circuit breakers and home lighting supplies","I'd call it The Bait and Switch" +"How does the man on the moon cut his hair","Eclipse it" +"Have you guys heard of those new paper T-shirts","they're tearible" +"What's the difference between a cat's nails and a comma. One are claws at the end of paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause","My dad just told me this, btw" +"My dad got me bad. I told him that I saw carpenter ants in the garage","he goes, did they have tool belts" +"I keep begging my wife to wear pretty dresses, but she just ignores me","I guess she wears the pants in the relationship" +"Do you know what you are if you eat eggs every day","A reggular" +"I took my son and daughter to get stuffing for their new pillows. You can say","I was getting down with the kids" +"What can you get from a squid that will make you laugh","Ten tickles" +"Pops just got me pretty good Talking about the coconut chocolate chip cookies he recently bought that my sister has since demolished: Dad: See, I bought regular chocolate chips because I knew that you all would like those. I was hoping no one would like this coconut kind. Me: But I love coconut flavored shit","Dad: Well, I've had a lot of coconut flavored food that I've enjoyed, but I've never had coconut flavored shit" +"My dad on history humour. I only tell history jokes when. I'm","Stalin for time" +"Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants","In case he gets a hole in one" +"Did you hear about the farmer that won a Nobel Prize","He was out standing in his field" +"Daughter: I really love. Hugh. Jackman","Me: What the hell is an ackman?" +"Is asscheek one word or should I spread them apart","🤷🏼‍♂️" +"The real name by which eskimos name themselfs","I forgot but I swear Inuit earlier" +"Since it started raining my wife just stares sadly through the stupid window …. If it gets any worse,. I guess","I’ll have to let her in." +"A ham sandwich walks into a bar and order a beer","Bartender says, 'Sorry we don't serve food here" +"What’s a farmers favourite shirt","a Crop top" +"Why can't you have a nose that's 12 inches","Because then it would be a foot" +"I just picked up a universal remote","This changes everything" +"When life gives you melons","You might be dyslexic" +"What is the coldest Alphabet. ** B ** Why","Because it's between AC \*Ba Dumm Tsssss" +"Technological difficulties Me: Hey Dad why aren't the wedding photos on the cloud. I can't see them on my iPad","Dad: I uploaded them on a sunny day" +"I was a server at Olive Garden I asked this guy if we wanted soup or salad. He said he yes","I want the super salad" +"Did you hear about the two thieves who stole 8 boxes of soap","You probably haven't because they made a clean getaway" +"I don’t like Hitler jokes","They make me Führious" +"Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines","Because they have a supreme ruler" +"Why do dogs do things the hard way","They like it ruff" +"The other day I was reading that alcohol can have terrible effects on your wellbeing","I immediately decided to give up reading" +"How do you organize a space party","You planet" +"What do you call a monkey in a minefield A Ba-*boom*","(My dad literally just told this joke)" +"Recently had to replace my catalytic converter. http://imgur","com/SuDzZqA" +"My dad asked, what happens when you mix a bad dad joke with a rhetorical question","then he left the room" +"People who live on a farm have the best built legs","That's probably because of all the calf raises they do all the time." +"Me: <receives phone notification> Ooh, it's supposed to start raining in 2 minutes Wife: It's sunny outside Me: <continuing>","the rain will be light" +"What do you call a pig's penmanship","Hamwriting" +"My daughter used the potty for the first time I exclaimed urine all-star","It took her mom a moment before she groaned" +"So I went out to dinner last night with a couple and their new baby, I'm convinced he became a father just for the dad jokes, last night he had a doozy. Setting: The 5 of us are in a giant booth, my wife and I on one side our friends on the other side with their newborn baby still in her carseat in the booth with them. Waitress is at the table taking our drink orders- after the four adults order she started to walk away and the dad stopped her: New Dad: wait you forgot to take my daughters drink order Waitress: being young and naïve she said, oh I'm so sorry sir. I didn't think she was old enough for a drink, what can I get her. New Dad: she will take tea Waitress: Tea. New Dad: Yes Waitress: Ok, what flavor would you like","And would you like it sweetened or unsweetened New Dad: She will have a glass of your finest sweetened Tit Tea (titty) Waitress: oh I'm so sorry, sir, we only have peach and lemon New Dad: oh ok nevermind, thanks anyway When she walked away he laughed so hard you would have thought we were seeing Richard Pryor live on stage" +"My first dad joke ever Driving through the shady part of a a city See a building that just says 'Topless' on it","Tap my wife's shoulder, point to it and say: That's weird, it has a roof" +"Why do ants not get sick","Because they have tiny anty-bodies" +"Did you hear about the Italian chef. He pasta way. We Cannelloni do so much","He will become a pizza history" +"My Dad kept pretending to throw his eyeglasses at me. I said 'Why do you keep pretending to throw those at me. He said 'You're right, I am just making a *Spectacle* of myself'","Internally I was laughing but I couldn't let him know he got to me" +"How to catch an elephant. A story by my dad which got me a walk to the Principal's office in 2nd grade Rolling back 40 yrs or so, here's the story I told to my 2nd grade class. To catch an elephant, you first need to go to the jungle where elephants are found. Then you cut down all the trees in a big circle, and dig a hole out. Put the trees in the hole and burn them down to ashes. Carefully line the edge of the hole with peas. And when an Elephant comes to take a Pea, you kick him in the Ash-Hole. Everyone about died. Hell, even the teacher and principal were laughing about it. Dad was amused","Mom was not" +"My kid just threw a milk carton at me","How dairy?" +"What did the mouse use to build his house","Cottage cheese" +"Can't take credit, co-worker's Who will be a dad in a couple months. [5/27/15, 12:58:38 PM] Steve: best dad joke ever. a guy goes to the zoo. there is only a single small dog","It was a shitzu" +"Hey dad, remember when Adam tried to punch me and accidentally punched the window out","Dad- Yeah, that was a pane to fix" +"Soldier survives mustard gas at war, only to be pepper sprayed and assalted by police back home","He is now a properly seasoned veteran" +"What's Irish and stays out all winter","Patio furniture" +"My wife is really mad at the fact that. I have no sense of direction. So","I packed up my things and right." +"Is it just me","or are circles pointless" +"One for the orchestral dads: What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet","Buy a frugelhorn" +"I always drink apple juice","Because OJ will kill you" +"My dad called the dentist about a toothache. I need to book an appointment asap, its about an ongoing toothache Thats fine sir, the earliest we have is at 11 am Tuesday if thats ok with you. Dad- Are you sure you heard me correctly. I said toothache, I need the appropriate time slot for that type of appointment, What do you mean sir","What would be your preferred time and I can see if there's an availability Dad- Two-thirty" +"I asked my dad if the remote was here. He said, No. It's over there. If it was over here, it would be called 'the local","Sigh" +"My wife: Do you think our kids are spoiled","Me: No, most of them smell that way" +"Why is it hard to break into Scotland","Too many lochs" +"The waitress cleared the bread from our table. The waitress spilled bread crumbs onto the table Waitress: Oops. Sorry the bread was so crumby","Dad: I actually thought the bread was great" +"Single. I was looking at fitted sheets for my bed. The salesperson walked up to me and said, Single. I retorted by saying, Nope. Married. And I laughed my way out of the store","I can genuinely feel him groaning" +"Do you know what happen when throw piece of butter out of window","butterfly //sorry, leaving" +"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but","I was tripping all day" +"Why did the owner of the mansion put the floors of his mansion on Tinder","He wanted them to be swept right" +"I was in an elevator with my wife when a couple entered with their kids. I went out of my way to ask what floor they were going up to so I could push the button for them","I wanted to prove to my wife that I was serious about raising a family" +"Got my wife today while reading a Burger King ad. **Me:** Hey, you can get 2 Whopper Jrs and 2 small fries for 4 bucks. That's a good deal I guess. **Wife:** Well, it's kinda just like a dollar menu. *Points to each item* Buck, buck, buck, buck","**Me:** Nah, that's the chicken" +"You now what always fastenates me","Seatbelts" +"Customer got me wth this one at work Me: Sir if your card has the chip, you have to put it in the bottom. Customer: Chip","I think i ate a few of those this morning" +"[NSFW]. My office had an. OSHA violation. It's. Not. Safe. For","Work" +"I'm. Useless. At. Reddit","What's your name?" +"What does Sauron do when his tower isn't accessible enough","He adds more doors" +"A man rides a horse into town. He gets off the horse and loudly exclaims I am Thor","To which one of the towns people reply That's because you forgot your thaddle thilly" +"When is the worst time to have a heart attack","During a game of charades" +"People always ask me how good it is to be. Swiss","Well the flags a big plus" +"Dad hit me with this one when I came home the other night. Walked in through the back door, heard my dad was still up watching Netflix so I went to say hello. Dad: Why didn't I hear you come in. Me: Uh, cause you're basically deaf and the tv is turned up all the way. Dad: Could it be because you're wearing. sneakers. If I hadn't had actual things to discuss with him I would've rolled my eyes and walked away","Instead he got my obnoxiously fake laugh I created just for dad jokes like this" +"I played dad instead of dead when. I saw a bear","Now he can ride a bike with no training wheels" +"Why did the starburst go to college","He wanted to be a smartie" +"Got my wife with a food joke. Wife: Did you hear Buca di Beppo (an Italian restaurant) is serving a three course dish called Friends, Romans, and Countrymen. Me: Will we need to bring corn. Wife: I don't know. Why","Me: I assume we will need to lend them some ears" +"This groaner works whenever a friend says; Hey do you know who I ran into today . Friend: Do you know who I ran into today. Me:who. Friend:Lucy Me: Oh, did it hurt","Everyone involved:eye roll" +"What do you call a Buddhist who likes to snack","A chip-monk" +"I saw my son reading Fahrenheit 451, and I asked him how he likes it","He said, “It’s pretty lit" +"Say what you want about the next iPhone","I hear it's going to be a Six-S" +"What do you call an ape made from tobacco","A cigorilla" +"My son refuses to eat rice if it in not white","I said “Son, that’s ricest" +"Just got Dad joked by my 4 year old Me: I really want to get a big bulldog one day. Daughter: daddy, you can't get a big bulldog. Me: why not. Daughter because they're too ruff (she even gave me the aha face like she knew the pun she was making","I was one proud dad)" +"Why did the chicken cross the road","Because he was BAWKING traffic" +"What did Neil Armstrong say after he stole moon rocks","I APOLLOgize" +"Whistleblowing Why did the NSA whistleblower spend the winter in Russia","He was snowed in" +"This is why I love my wife http://i. imgur. com/qTK2BHz","jpg" +"Hey look,. I got instagram","I put your grandma on speed-dial." +"So I divorced my cross-eyed wife. We didn’t see eye to eye","I also found out she was seeing someone on the side" +"Why did the chicken cross the playground","To get to the other slide" +"What did one cow say to the other cow","Moo (well what were you expecting it to say its a cow)" +"What's Russia favourite streaming platform","Nyetflix" +"What do you call a man with a spade in his head","An ambulance" +"Dad shows me his new scissors","Dad: This is cutting edge technology" +"A girl messed up her recitation in. Hebrew school today","I torah a new one." +"Whelp","don't know what I expected Reading a TIL post to a group while chatting after dinner there are more Puerto Ricans in the USA than there are in Puerto Rico Dad says it's the same with Ireland Me what more Irish in the US than--- Dad yea than there are in Puerto Rico God dammit" +"Do you want socks with holes in them. No","Well how are you meant to put them on" +"My 5 y/o dadjoked me Son: This candy taste like life. Me: What. Son : Because it is hard","I have no idea where he got that concept from" +"What do Birds and Detectives have in common","They are both In-de-skies" +"I googled cigarette lighters","I got 15000 matches" +"Daughter Dad Jokes Again Son (looking at a car brochure): The way they take these pictures are cool. Me: Know how they take them. Son: No. Myself and my daughter: With a camera. Son and wife: Groan","My little girl has this dad joke thing down" +"What do Eskimos get from sitting in the snow too long","Polaroids" +"Found the men's room at my new job","So this is where all the dicks hang out." +"Prime numbers and stoners have a lot in common","The higher they are, the more spaced out they become" +"Son: dad, what does it mean to be a man. Dad: It means to be the one that command. To be the one that take all the decisions at home","One day I want to be a man like mom :)" +"I made a dad joke I'm proud of last night. I was watching my friend's softball game last night, sitting with his wife as their two twin 4-ish-year-old daughters ran around. One of them was intent on finding the crickets that were chirping all night. Finally she runs up to us and says I hear the crickets over there. I'm going to go look for them. As she runs off I say Watch, all she'll find over there is a bad comedian","Forgive me, it's a problem" +"I met the grungiest girl the other day","Her name was Allison Chains" +"My friend doesn’t think puns are funny, so I told him my top ten to see if any could make him laugh","No pun in ten did" +"Child: I can't stand your jokes anymore, dad","Dad: Have you tried sitting down" +"I was addicted to the hokey pokey. but i turned myself around. isn’t that what it’s all about. Edit: I posted this right before i went to bed","thank you all so much" +"This man approached me in the park. He said, 'Have you seen my dog anywhere","' Who on earth calls their dog Anywhere" +"My kid was reading a Where's Waldo book, so I said… You know why Waldo wears stripes, don't you","It's because he doesn't want to be spotted" +"I think my deaf friend is italian","He's always speaking with his hands." +"There once was a fellow named Saul. He fell in a spring one fall","Would have been a sad thing, if he died in that spring, But he didn't, he died in the fall" +"Have you heard diarrhea is genetic","It runs in your jeans" +"Telling my dad about my field trip Yesterday I was telling my dad about a recent university field trip and the conversation went something along the lines of: Me: This guy was showing us around his paddock. He was a bit weird. He was sort of like a little gnome-man. Dad: Aah, so you were in gnome-man's land","" +"Why do oceans never pay fees","Because they're waved" +"Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing","They always ask is Pepsi okay" +"What do Jehovah’s Witnesses believe in","That I’ll open the door" +"Some see a puddle of mosquito larva","I see a pool of enbitenment" +"How do you catch a unique bird. Easy. Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame bird. The tame way","Unique up on it" +"What do you call a Jamaican who wears glasses","Rasta four eyes" +"My theatre dadjoke So I just realized that my epic theatre joke is also a dadjoke. Now this requires some explaining before I get to the joke. I just completed my 55th theatre production - mostly community theatre; most designing and running sound, but I get on stage sometimes. A decade or so ago, I came up with a terrible pun. Told it, got groans, and promptly forgot about it. A production or two later, someone said - Hey, aren't you going to tell your joke. It took a little prompting to remind me of it. Once I was reminded, I told the joke - to more groans. I enjoyed the groans so much - and was touched that someone remembered the joke that I'd forgotten. So I did decide it was going to forevermore be: THE JOKE. So the NEXT production, I started warning people that The Joke was coming. One or two remembered the previous time I'd told it, and reacted - Oh god. Please no. So now it has truly become a thing. Every production I'm in, I start reminding people that The Joke is coming, and the reactions from those who know the joke really help set up the anticipation. So finally it happens. Most theatre productions I've been in run Fri-Sat-Sun performances. And thus, as I explain, I can only tell The Joke after the last Friday night's performance ends, and before the last Saturday's performance begins. It shifts if the days are different because The Joke depends on the number of remaining shows. So, finally that time period comes, and I explain that I can only tell the joke during that time period, only the once per production - from auditions to strike - and that we're in that period of time. which is known as. the cancer period . AND would you like to know WHY this period of time is known as the cancer period . (at which point the tension for the punchline is usually quite palpable) Because we have. TUMOR. (as I hold up two fingers). This is usually followed by shouts to GET OUT. and threats of violence against my person. hehehe And the NEXT time, when I start warning that The Joke is coming, most of these groan Oh god. no. and helps set it up for the next poor bunch of folks who haven't yet heard it",":)" +"Dejá vú As we were walking by a bunch of boats one was named dejá vú so of course I said I feel like I've seen that boat before and cue the groans from my family","Edit: spelling" +"Got my wife lasr night on the freeway There was a certain boy band playing at the Rose Bowl last night. We were driving by and the other side of the freeway had a lot of traffic. She said, Wow, look at that","I replied, Looks like traffic is backed up in One Direction" +"My wife is an honorary dad Her: Did you know that the pool on the titanic is still full of water","Me: Welcome to the club" +"If we breathe oxygen during the day what do we breathe at night","Nightrogen" +"I just watched a program about beavers","It was the best dam program i've even watched" +"I always keep a pair of pennies at my office desk","If someone really wants it I can give them my two cents" +"I think. I forgot to turn off the barbecue…. Edit:","Holy crap this blew up overnight!" +"Was not expecting this Dadjoke After frantically texting everyone i knew if they could drive me to work in the morning, my dad texts back and says he will","I said thank you so much, you are a life saver and i got blind sided with thank you, and you my love, are a skittle" +"Why don't lions eat clowns. Because they taste funny. My dad has been telling this joke for at least 15 years","This joke is no fine wine or cheese; it is a gallon of milk sitting in the sun around the equator, which periodically gets opened and is, invariably, substantially worse every goddamn time" +"I used to think I didn't need orthotic shoes","but now I stand corrected" +"I have you guys to thank. So I was at a pub getting some pre-concert eats and the waitress comes over with the appy plates and salt and pepper shakers. She accidentally knocks the salt over and without missing a beat I yelled That's a salt. I could just feel the pub-wide groan. So thanks all you of r/dadjokes","That one was for you" +"Me Hey Dad, put the kettle on Dad","I don't think it'll fit me" +"Q: Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a tree","A: “No” R: “Because their good at it”" +"I read the other day that people eat more bananas than monkeys","No surprises there, I can’t even remember the last time I ate a monkey" +"Bet I can tell you the score before the game starts, 0-0","Watching march madness reminded me of this gem from the old man" +"What did one three-quarter-full glass of vodka say to the other, full glass of water","I'm a bit drunk" +"I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently","I am trying to keep myself knowlegeable in current events" +"I have kleptomania","Sometimes when it gets really bad, I take something for it" +"What sunglasses does Thor use","Aviathors" +"Training for dad level jokes. My wife is pregnant with our first child so I'm stepping up my joke game to reach dad level. Mother's day was not so long ago, and since she isn't a mother yet but only a future mother, I didn't get her flowers I only got her seeds, which are future flowers. At least I found it hilarious and so did she","Hope you guys enjoy this" +"Deer accident I was helping a colleague on a deer impact claim. She told me the deer jumped out in front of the vehicle","Guess that deer wanted some doe She told me to go away" +"A little boy came running up to me and said, Please help, my dad is in a fight. I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, Which one's your dad","He replied, I don't know, that's what they're fighting about" +"Did you know there were only 49 contestants in Miss America this year. No one wanted to be known as Miss Idaho","&#x200B; (I'm pretty ashamed of this joke but I know my dad would be proud that I'm sharing it" +"[Meta] Can we all agree that the late Yogi Berra was the father of the dad joke","You better cut the pizza in four slices because I'm not hungry enough to eat six" +"Did you hear about the cop that pulled over the Uhaul","He was tryna bust a move" +"I recently learned that ancient Egyptian architecture wasn’t built by slaves, but rather by paid workers. But they didn’t have a union","Because it was a pyramid scheme" +"Why are hipsters always acidic","Because they can't be basic" +"To the guy who stole my diary and then unexpectedly died,","My thoughts are with your family" +"My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and burn them","Well, I did all that, but when I went back and asked what I was supposed to do with the letters, she just kicked me out and said she was calling the cops" +"Revising for Computer Graphics exam when a friend drops this Did you hear about the OpenGL guy who dropped his pen under his desk. He was Phong-Blinn around for it (Context: Phong-Blinn is a shading model used in OpenGL http://en. wikipedia","org/wiki/Blinn%E2%80%93Phong_shading_model)" +"My wife made some Easter bread today","I wondered why it didn’t take three days to rise" +"Years ago at my first IT startup we thought we'd caught a big break when we were asked to set up the campus network at a major college. However, the project eventually fell through when they failed to secure the necessary funding","I still think about it sometimes - the WAN that got away" +"What’s the difference between roast beef and pea n ham soup","People will still eat it if you roast beef" +"What Do You Call a Mean Vegetable","A rudeabaga" +"What’s a song that costs 45¢","A song by 50cent ft Nickelback" +"Does anyone know any corn jokes","I'm all ears" +"You can’t run through a campground","You can only ran, because it’s past tents" +"At work with dad talking about the snow me: not to bad out right now, if it keeps up though we will have a bit. dad: if it keeps up, it won't come down. me: hangs head and laughs","edit: formatting" +"I charged my satnav from an AC/DC charger","Now I'm on a highway to hell" +"My dad's wisdom on dogs. Hey dad our dog looks like he's in a catatonic state","More like a dogatonic state" +"Uphill, both ways. We've all heard the old dad joke about how our parents had to walk 20 miles to school, through 8-foot snowdrifts, uphill, both ways. My Dad used to tell it all the time, but he had a masterful (in my opinion) ending to it. He would tell the joke as most of us have heard it, and then would say . and if you dropped your lunch, you were shit out of luck. This never made sense to me until one day I asked him; Why didn't you just pick it up. His reply","Do you know hard it is to pick a handful of warm oatmeal out of a snowbank" +"To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you","I have contacts" +"Got dad joked in math class. Just came back from a bathroom break in my class at our local JC. Teacher is an older Asian gentleman, and as we all get settled down he asks, So, what does the little mermaid wear","The class talked about it for a bit and then with a sly grin he states, An alge bra , many groans were heard" +"Wife broke her toe and has to wear a protective boot. I picked it up and started caressing it with my hand making crooning noises. Wife: What are you doing","Me: Just feeling the wonderful curves of your booty" +"Omega F","I asked my dad his best dad joke and he said, you" +"What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday","Aye matey" +"I went to a smoke shop to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store","Clothes, but no cigar" +"Where do animals go when their tails fall off","The Retail store" +"A man is on a date when his girlfriend asks him what he does for a living. The conversation goes like this: Him: I work with animals for a living. Her: Oh really. That's so sweet. What is your job","Him: I'm a teacher" +"My Grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars","And came home to us a seasoned Veteran" +"What kind of fish goes with peanut butter","A jellyfish" +"Did you hear about the orgy at the campsite","It was fucking in tents" +"Why wasn't infinity war a vegan movie","Because everything was at steak" +"Why did the bicycle fall over","Because it was two tyred" +"What did the shiny metal say to the dull metal","What in tarnation" +"One I get almost every morning Dad: Hey how'd you sleep. Me: Pretty well, you","Dad: With my eyes closed, same as always" +"I'll never forget my old man's last words before he kicked the bucket: Son, how far do you think","I can kick this bucket?" +"How do you tickle a rich girl","Say 'Gucci Gucci Gucci'" +"Do you know why vegans are so thin","They have no meat on their bones" +"Wanna hear a joke about construction","I’m still working on it" +"I had a dream that I was a muffler last night","I woke up exhausted" +"When's the best time to buy a boat","When they're on sail" +"What is plastic surgery on a hand called","A handjob" +"Got my wife in bed a few minutes ago. Wife: We should talk. Me: tick Wife: What. Me: tick Wife: . Me: tick Wife: \*rolls eyes\* Tock","Me: =D" +"Helen Keller walks into a bar","then a table, then a chair" +"What did Buddha say to the hotdog vendor","Make me one with everything" +"What does Cardi B do to lose weight","Cardi O" +"For work I give tours of local national parks. After taking a holiday, going back to work was","a walk in the park" +"Mom got me about bands Was talking to my brother about some cool band I recently found and asked Guess what they play","My mother immediately replied Music" +"DadJokes are proof that comedy skips a generation. http://imgur. com/gallery/3GUE8 This was a group text from me to both of the kids. The younger was born exactly nine months from the Tuesday in question","The older one responded with a thumbs down" +"8yo nephew's an early bloomer. Gets home, tells his dad, There was a kidnaping at school today. Dad: What. 8yo, dead serious, - It's okay, dad. He woke up. Doesn't even smile","Walks away" +"What do fish get high on","Seaweed" +"I got my son the best gift ever for Christmas: a broken drum","It's a gift you just can't beat" +"Would you lose all of your hair for a million dollars. I’d rather not","It’s too high of a price toupee" +"I didn't mean to gain so much weight","It happened by snaccident" +"My dad uses this every time he meets someone http://imgur","com/a/PTdl5" +"A researcher did a research on a disease","the result is sick-nificant" +"What’s so good about Switzerland","Well for one thing, their Flag’s a big plus" +"Toilet usage When my stepson asks 'Can I use the toilet quickly. ': 'Let's find out - I'll time you. Go","' I think he hates me" +"I saw Brad Pitt's brother at a heavy metal concert","Mosh Pitt" +"How did people wake up before alarm clocks","They had alarm cocks" +"A man walks into an establishment","A man walks into an establishment, goes up to the counter and says: “Hi, can I buy some fish and chips please” The lady responds: “Sir this is a library” The man: *whispers* “Sorry, can I buy some fish and chips please”" +"A dadjoke today during lunch I was smoking outside with two friends. > Friend 1: I have not slept all weekend, but now I can sleep again. >Friend 2: That's ok - sleep is for the week, anyways","It took a bit, but I shook his hand after I got it" +"How does a penguin make a house","Igloos it together" +"I'm such a straight edge, because","I want to be a ruler." +"My Friday nights. Want to know why I spend all my Friday nights at the library","It's lit" +"Finally came up with a name for my sour, fig-flavored candy","Fig Puckers I earned an arm punch from my girlfriend with this one" +"How did the German baker greet his customers every morning","Gluten Tag" +"What did sushi A say to sushi B","Wasa-b" +"Has anyone else noticed that TSA guards are a lot taller nowadays","I guess it's part of heightened security" +"Four men are stranded with nothing but cigarettes on a boat with no way to light them","So they throw one cigarette off board, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter" +"This civil war on Syria is really","Assad story" +"My buddy Gil was bailed out of prison the other day","I’m so happy Gilbert Gottfried" +"From my 10 yr old. what's invisible and smells like bananas","Monkey burps" +"How dose a printer shave","Fax on fax off" +"Daughter comes out of bathroom screaming about a beetle on the floor. Is it. John,. George,. Paul or","Ringo?" +"Keeping the trains on time. My girlfriend and I were talking about how the metro system trains where we live are often not running on time, and and sometimes be very unreliable","Told her it's because of the metro-gnomes" +"Complimented a friend on her musical knowledge today. Me: > I don't know how you find the time to listen to so many bands. She replied: > Yeah, I just have a lot of bandwidth. Normally, I'm the one with the awful puns","I paused, saw her grin, and had to high five her" +"My wife cut me off before the punchline. In the produce section, checking off grocery list. wife: What's next. me: Leeks. You know, there's a really useful but very controversial website about that vegetable. You can edit it- wife: No. Nope, I'm not letting you finish this one","me, whispering to myself: *wikileeks*" +"What do The Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common","Icy Dead People" +"How many dyslexics does it take to change a light bulb","Steven" +"I asked my Sumo wrestler friend, “Would you like to have some sushi for dinner. ” He said, “No thanks","I’m not a big Japanese person" +"My dad greeted me after a 3 month trip with Good to see you back.","and your front" +"What do you call a fat psychic","A four-chin teller" +"My wife is going on a trip tomorrow and told me she needs to pack","I told her that's quite unfortunate because he's dead" +"Bacon Tree 2 guys are walking through the desert completely starving. The first guy sees a bacon tree and takes off running towards it screaming, We're saved, it's a bacon tree. All the sudden he's under fire from all directions. He's completely riddled with bullets. The second guy catches up and kneels down beside him","With his last breath he says, It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a hambush" +"Fill a bottle with concrete and then take the plastic off so you have a concrete bottle","It’s pretty useless but at least it’s a concrete idea" +"What did the film teacher tell his students","All of you need to focus" +"What did the ZERO say to the number EIGHT","Nice belt" +"Asked my boss how her morning was going. Me: Hey boss how's the morning going. Boss: Good except I just dropped coffee all over the floor. Me: You know, that's not why they're called coffee grounds","Boss: *Glaring Intensifies*" +"Did you know there is a limit of 239 beans in a can of beans","Adding 1 more would make it 2 farty" +"People have great arguments as to why the Germans lost WWII. I personally think they lacked vision","Mainly because they could Nazi" +"My 5yo son got me Me: Let me see your chapped lips. I need to put some Aquaphor on them. Him: When will we have Aquafive. This one tastes bad","I couldn't keep a straight face the whole time I was putting him to bed after that" +"If you see a child sleeping, don't hesitate to call the police","You just witnessed a kid-napping" +"How are a coronation and child birth similar","They are both crowning achievements" +"I transferred my consciousness into a legume","I’m a human bean" +"What do you call a ghost's boobs","Paranormal entitties" +"They say the next big innovation in air travel is completely transparent planes, but I don’t know","I can’t see it taking off" +"A man was delighted when he got inside his house","and found out someone stole every lamp in his house" +"I went to a restaurant on the moon","I mean, the food was great, but the place had absolutely no atmosphere." +"Just opened my water bill and my electric bill at the same time","I was shocked" +"My friend’s dissertation was on nerds who love palindromes. He is now Dr","Awkward" +"What did the curious Spanish Rasta say to Ash Ketchum","¿Por que, mon" +"I always knock on the fridge door before opening it. Just in case the salad is dressing","Wouldn't want to walk in on that" +"I bought myself a first aid kit today","I thought I would Treat myself" +"Where does a lumberjack buy his axes","At the “Chopping Maul" +"Justin Bieber was in a hotel in Arizona yesterday. The air conditioning was broken, so he asked the hotel manager if he could do something about the heat","The hotel manager replied, sorry, I'm not a big fan" +"What do people say about a bird that's about to fly into an airplane engine","You will be mist" +"I cut lumber for a living, but I keep sleeping on the job","As you can tell, I'm a slumberjack" +"Where does Captain Hook buy his hooks","At the second hand store" +"Family gathering joke We were at a family gathering and we were opening presents for a birthday, and my cousin grabs the stool nearest to him to sit on. It's a one of those old cow-milking stools, and then this conversation goes down: Cousin: why does this stool only have three legs. Uncle (cousin's dad): because the cow's got the udder","Needless to say he was very proud of himself and there was a collective groan from everyone in the room" +"Dad, what's a good way to pickup women","With your legs, don't wanna hurt your back" +"My wife recently got my son a squishy Narwhal toy. Me: What is that. Is that a Narwhal Him: Yes Him: It's my Stress Whal He's nine","I'm so proud" +"I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot","Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B" +"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer today","I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day" +"Had to come up with a last minute costume so I became a dad joke. http://imgur. com/7c4bFwj I can list them all but some of my favourite are: I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone and then it dawned on me. Whenever the cashier asks me if I want the milk in the bag I say no just leave it in the carton Why was the policeman sleeping in his car. It was arrest stop. I attached all of my watches together to make a belt","It was a waist of time" +"My wife and I walked past a woman wearing a piano scarf I turned to my wife and said, “that scarf must be a key piece of her wardrobe. ” Queue eye roll “Sorry, that fell flat. I’m a bit tired today and off the beat, but don’t worry","I’ll make a comebach" +"Have you seen what they call Rick and Morty in Spanish. Rick y Martin","The show is always living de vida loca" +"My mom suggested to my dad and brother that they go on a bike ride. Dad: I dunno, I'm kinda *tire*d Bro: Yeah, I don't think I could *handle* that right now Dad: I think we've already *spoke*n about this Bro: Give me a *brake*, dad Dad: What, you can't keep the *chain* of puns going. Bro: I can kick it into a higher *gear* Dad: I might have to *reflect* on your puns for a minute Bro: As long as you don't *tread* over any of my good ones Dad: *Wheel* see how long you can keep this up Me: Hey, I like","*bikes* Dad: ಠ_ಠ Bro: ಠ_ಠ Mom: ◔_◔" +"Did you hear about the drug dealer that was hit by a bus","He got busted" +"I have a step ladder","I never knew my real ladder." +"Why was the math book so depressed","It had too many problems" +"When I was young, I asked my dad if I could have any pets. He said, “No","Pets are just a step backwards" +"My dad lives on a rural property with a large no trespassing sign and a long driveway. Once some Jehovah's Witnesses showed up at the door. JW: (Hands him a pamphlet) My Dad: I'm not going to accept reading material from an illiterate person. JW: Illiterate. My Dad: There's a no trespassing sign out there, and YOU can't read it. He's never been visited since","Best part, the man had his kids with him when this happened" +"What’s a pirates favorite Apple product","The iPatch" +"Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them","Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think" +"they have found the heartless people responsible for all this controversy with the stocks. The. Callous","Dowboys" +"Will glass coffins ever become popular","Remains to be seen" +"What did the horse say when he fell down. I've fallen and I can't Giddyup","🐴" +"My wife asked me how my run was","I answered Where time travelers get tripped up when telling stories *blank stare* In tense *glare*" +"Why are Canadians so polite","It's in their DN-EH" +"I always knock on the fridge before opening it","Just in case there’s a salad dressing" +"My thoughts on this subreddit","My thoughts this subreddit" +"Wife got me today Earlier during the day we had an argument about something and she got extremely pissed off with me, now we both found proof that I was right. Me: Say sorry to me now","Her: Sorry to me now" +"Where does a dog go to buy black market goods","The bark web" +"Daughter and wife didn't appreciate it, but my son did. Putting jelly on toast this morning and got some on me. Held it up and said, Look. I jammed my thumb. Went over as well as I expected. Yes, I know there's a difference between jelly and jam","I just don't care enough to waste a good joke" +"I didn’t realize my dad used to steal board-games from the toy store","But when I look back now, all the Clues added up" +"There was a magician that said he could disappear in seconds. He started to count, Uno, dos. and then he was gone","He disappeared without a tres" +"A duck walks into a bar wearing a shoe. The bartender asks, Hey duck, why are you wearing a shoe. The duck replies, I lost the other one","My dad told me this joke and I was so disappointed I had to share" +"What's the derivative of Amazon","Amazon Prime" +"What did the sea say to the sand","Nothing, it just waved" +"Why did the mermaid blush","She saw the ocean's bottom" +"My friend has really changed since she became a vegetarian. It's like","I've never seen herbivore" +"Did I take Spanish","Oh hola no" +"Did you hear about the recent dwarf survey","It found 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy" +"My boyfriend, dad, mom, and I were riding in the car. when my boyfriend said that his left ear was ringing","Dad: Well, answer it" +"What do you call a hot magnet","Attractive" +"You can never trust a Croissant to get things done","They're super flakey" +"What do you call a man who never toots in public","A private-tutor" +"I once asked my dad what was inside a samosa. Without hesitation, he responded. [ How am I samosa know. ](https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=sHP0qmZr-iQ)" +"Where did the Scandinavian marathon end","At the Finnish line" +"My Son's Teacher was reading out the ' Oops. wrong sub ' daily jokes here on dadjokes, but She was absent yesterday. So","a subreddit" +"A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have","Schizophrenia" +"Granpa got me good on the way to a family vacation Me: Does the place we're staying have a gym","Him: Yeah, and a Bob, a Joe, and a Harry Many groans were had on that trip, but that was the best one imo" +"I made a wooden whistle. but it wooden whistle. So I made a steel whistle, but. It steel wooden whistle. :( Finally I made a tin whistle. And now I tin whistle","😀" +"Visiting my dad in. Florida","We went to a nature preserve and my dad said it's a lot different from jams and jelly ." +"you should learn sign language","It really comes in handy" +"Got my girlfriend while I was eating pie. GF: Is your pie good. Me:On a scale of 1-10 I'd give it a 3","On a serious note though the pie was delicious" +"Why is North Korea worse than South Korea","They have no Seoul" +"What do you call the natural smell of a brand new Tesla","Elon's Musk" +"Following the dick-measuring ridiculousness in the last GOP debate, my friend's wife informed him that she is a Donald Trump Girther","We need to see his schlong-form girth certificate, my friend replied" +"What do you call it when a tornado splits into two","A cyclone" +"I know every digit of Pi","just not in order" +"I'm reading a horror book in braille. Something bad is going to happen","I can feel it" +"As an assassin, sometimes you have to take different jobs","I made a killing in the market" +"What's the opposite of urine","I'm out" +"Horror movies are gold mines for my dad I'm with my dad watching a horror flick when a scene comes on where a woman gets drilled in the head. Me: Oh man that was crazy. Dad: Yeah, she really got screwed","Chuckles ensued" +"Story I told my son. (I did not write this myself but thought it might belong here) “Son, we need to have a chat about Internet Safety. ” I slowly crumpled down onto the floor next to him. His laptop was open and he was playing Minecraft on a public server. His eyes were locked into the action. Comments scrolled down the side of the screen in a chat box. “Son, can you stop your game for a minute. ” He exited the world, closed the laptop, and looked up at me. Dad, is this going to be another cheesy scary story. Whhaaaat. I faked hurt feelings for a second, and then grinned at him, I thought you liked my cautionary tales. He grew up listening to my stories about children who encountered witches, ghosts, werewolves, and trolls. Like many generations of parents, I used scary stories to reinforce morals and teach lessons about safety. Single dads like me should use all the parenting tools at their disposal. He scrunched his face a little, They were fine when I was six. But now that I'm getting older, they don't scare me anymore. They seem kinda silly. If you are going to tell a story about the Internet, can you make it really, really scary. ” I squinted at him incredulously. He folded his arms, “Dad. I’m ten and I can handle it. hmm… okay. I’ll try. I began, “Once upon a time, there was a boy named Colby…. ” His expression indicated that he wasn't impressed with the terror of the introduction. He sighed deeply and settled in for one of Dad’s cheesy stories. I continued. Colby went online and joined several children's websites. After a while, he started talking to other kids in-game and on the message boards. He made friends with another ten year old boy named Helper23. They liked the same video games and shows. They laughed at each other's jokes. They explored new games together. After several months of friendship, Colby gave Helper23 six diamonds in a game they were playing. This was a very generous gift. Colby's birthday was coming up and Helper23 wanted to send him a cool present in real life. Colby figured it wouldn't hurt to give Helper23 his home address - as long as he promised not to tell it to any strangers or grownups. Helper23 swore he wouldn't tell anyone else, not even his own parents, and set about mailing the package. I paused the story and asked my son, Do you think that was a good idea. ” “No. he said shaking his head vigorously. In spite of himself, he was getting into the story. Well neither did Colby. Colby felt guilty about giving away his home address - and his guilt began to grow. And grow. By the time he put on his pajamas the next night, his guilt and fear were larger than anything else in his life. He resolved to admit the truth to his parents. The punishment would be steep, but it was worth it to have a clear conscience. He squirmed in his bed as he waited for his parents to tuck him in. My son knew the scary part was coming up. In spite of his tough talk, he leaned forward wide-eyed. I spoke quietly and deliberately. He heard all the noises of the house. The washing machine bounced around in the laundry room. Branches scraped against the brick outside his room. His baby brother cooed in the nursery. And there were some other noises he couldn't. quite. pinpoint. Finally, his dad’s footsteps echoed down the hall. “Hey Dad. ” He called out nervously. “I have something to tell you. ” His dad stuck his head in the doorway at a weird angle. In the darkness, his mouth didn't seem to move and the eyes were all wrong. Yes, son The voice was way off, too. Are you okay, Dad. The boy asked. Uh-huh sung the father in his strangely affected voice. Colby pulled his covers up defensively. Ummm. Is Mom around. Here I am. Mom's head popped into the doorway below Dad's. Her voice was an unnatural falsetto. Were you about to tell us that you gave our home address to Helper23. You shouldn't have done that. We TOLD you never to give out personal information on the Internet. She continued, He wasn't really a kid. He just pretended to be one. Do you know what he did. He came to our house, broke in, and murdered both of us. Just so he could spend some time with you. A fat man in a wet jacket emerged in the child's doorway holding the two severed heads. Colby shrieked and gasped as the man dropped the heads on the ground, unsheathed his knife, and moved into the room to work on the boy. My son screamed too. He twisted his hands defensively over his face. But we were just getting started with the story. After several hours, the boy was almost dead and his screams had become whimpers. The killer noticed the wailing of a baby in another room and removed his knife from Colby. This was a special treat. He had never murdered a baby before and was excited about the prospect. Helper23 left Colby to die and followed the cries through the house like a homing beacon. In the nursery, he walked to the crib, picked the baby up, and held it in his arms. He moved towards the changing table to get a better look. But as he held the baby, the crying died down. The baby looked up and smiled. Helper23 had never held a baby, but he gently bounced it in his arms like a pro. He wiped his bloody hands on the blanket so he could stroke the baby's cheek, Hey there, sweet little guy. The beautiful rage of sadism melted into something warmer and softer. He walked out of the nursery, took the baby home, named him William, and raised him as his very own. After I finished the story, my son was visibly shaken. Between ragged staccato breaths, he stammered, But Dad, MY name's William. I gave him a classic dad-wink and tousled his hair. Of course it is, son. William ran up the stairs to his bedroom in a fury of sobs. But deep down","I think he liked the story" +"We were about to witness our first autopsy in medical school. My friend said, “What do you think it’ll be like","” I said, “Remains to be seen" +"Adele should date farmers. We could call each one a farmer in","Adele" +"Son: Dad, are we pyromaniacs","Dad: Yes, we arson" +"Did you hear about the thrift store in Boston. that's been plagued with unexpected phenomenon and ghost sightings recently. Well, Matt Damon has decided he wants to make a movie out of the story","It's going to be called Goodwill Haunting" +"I use to date a girl with a lazy eye. But","I thought she was seeing someone on the side" +"Was scrolling through Reddit and found this gem. https://imgur","com/gallery/4FTEI" +"How do fish get high","Seaweed" +"I had to quit my job selling treadmills","No matter how hard I worked, I wasn't going anywhere" +"How does the man in the moon cut his hair","Eclipse it" +"I went to a diner with my dad and he ordered a cheeseburger. Waitress asks: How would you like it","Dad: You know, on a bun" +"Two men walk into a bar. Two men walk into a bar, and the bartender asks What'll you have. The first man says I'll have some H2O. The bartender pours the man a glass, and the first man gets refreshed. The second man says I'll have some H2O too","The bartender pours the man a glass, and the second man dies" +"It's hard to lose a radish","Because a lot of the time they'll turn up" +"My wife thinks I'm too in love with four door vehicles","I told her to sedan and relax" +"My 4 year old dad joked me Whenever the Alice in Chains song King of the Kats comes on I tell my son that I'm the king of the cats. It drives him crazy. He's made it his personal mission to tell me I'm not the king of the cats and preempts me with a Dad, you're not the king of the cats. Whenever it comes on. This has been going on a couple of months. Fast forward to present day. We're driving and the infamous song gets shuffled on. He says, You're not the king of the cats. I reply, Then why does every cat we meet call me your majesty. He drops this gem, They don't say that, and if they did, they'd say your meowjesty","I couldn't be more proud" +"I slapped Dwayne Johnson’s ass","I then realized I had hit the rock bottom" +"My wife showed me her mom’s quilts, and asked me which one I preferred","I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements" +"Russian lady All of my family are waiting for our Russian friend, Mariana, to show up so we can leave for the airport. Mariana is running late. Brother: (stepping out of the house) Are we ready yet. Aunt: We're waiting on Russian lady. Brother: For a Russian, she sure isn't Russian","My brother isn't a dad" +"I work in produce. Dadjoked a group of girls. A group of like 5 girls were coming through the department and asked me where the cabbage was, so i took them to it and when they said thank you i pointed to the lettuce and said, Sure thing. LETTUCE know if you need anything else. One laughed and the others groaned","I felt quite accomplished" +"Driving my son to the dentist, I asked Are they going to do a cavity search. No, he said. They already did","Tell me more about this dentist" +"What type of cheese is made backwards","Edam" +"What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school","Bison" +"Why was the small sled-dog no good at barking","Because he was a little husky" +"I really want to work at a place that sells mirrors. It’s something","I could always see myself doing" +"What did the lawyer wear to the prom","A lawsuit." +"Got my GF so good. My girlfriend and I were talking on the phone while I was driving home from work. She was going to the grocery store(Giant) to pick up some things for dinner, and that she thought she had lost her Giant gift card, but had found it in her purse. I proceeded to ask her how she lost the gift card if it was so big. She was speechless","I was so proud" +"Dropping my sister off at college My Dad, my step-mom, and I visited my step-sister in Montana(we live in Washington) where she goes to school. We had a fun weekend with her all throughout Missoula. My step-mom and step-sister have a a really close bond so when it was time to say goodbye it was tough for them and they both started crying. My dad said something close to Look now your mother is crying, to which my sister says Why are you worrying about her I have to walk through people like this. To which my dad hits her with the most dad joke of a dad joke I've ever heard him say","Why don't you just walk around them instead" +"Sickening Dad Joke We were discussing a problem with our dishwasher, that has left our dishes less than 100% clean for the past two years. My mom expressed concern that all that recycled food bacteria could make us sick, and my dad quipped: Yeah, we could have dishentary","Cue groans" +"I'm 24, turning into my dad. Girlfriend opened her fortune cookie Her: there's nothing in here. Me: how","unfortunate" +"I was at the bank the other day and this old lady told me to check her balance","So I pushed her" +"I was arrested for taking a photo of a landing airplane","I was charged with in descent exposure" +"You know, people say they pick their nose, but. I feel like","I just was born with mine." +"Got dad-joked by my dad and he didn't realize it until afterward. Me: There's a dense fog rolling into Cleveland from the lake. Dad: That's eErie","pause followed by laughter on both ends" +"Why are gay claustrophobes so rare","They always come out the closet" +"What does an annoying pepper do","It gets Jalapeño face" +"What's the best way to get rid of tiger traffickers","Join their gang, and while they try to discreetly sell one, let the cat out of the bag" +"Getting home from the hospital when Dad hit me with this one I was in the hospital and they discovered I had a cyst on my ovary","After getting home my sister comes over and asks what the doc said, Dad says Explain the diagnosis to your CYSTer Hes made the same joke 3 times since" +"I know 10 jokes about binary","Want to hear them both?" +"What type of food could never run away and get married","The Cantaloupe" +"My cousin met up with a friend he hadn't seen in a while. After the guy walked away, my cousin told me, I think he grew a foot since the last time I saw him","I replied, I didn't realize he was missing one" +"Know a new dad. He'll need this. Know a new dad. He'll need this. http://imgur","com/gallery/ViRG6Pr" +"I heard all the toilets were stolen from the police station","Apparently they have nothing to go on" +"Got my wife with this absolute beaut. I get back home from a month out field on ex in the Army and I take a shower with my missus. I then look at my face in the mirror after. I reckon I still have cam cream in and behind my ears I say. I can't see any of it says my wife. Of course you can't see it mate, it's cam cream says I","*wife groans*" +"A sad dog in a fruit bowl","He's feeling rather melon-colly" +"My friends asked me what. I think of french beds","I think they’re pretty lit" +"How do you make a candle happy. Blow it out","Then it will be de-lighted" +"My Dad's favorite joke that he's been telling for 30+ years. A guy walks into a psychiatrists office obviously frantic and repeating, I'm a tee-pee, I'm a wig-wam, I'm a tee-pee, I'm a wig-wam. The psychiatrist says, Whoa, whoa, man. Sit down","You're two tents" +"A man has been jailed for telling too many puns. The judge called it 'Assault with a. Dadly","Weapon'" +"What do you call a chicken that fell down a well","A well done chicken (Credit to my dad)" +"What do you call a. Mexican who lost his car","Carlos" +"Why did the hipster drown","He went ice skating on the pond before it was cool" +"I caught a whiff of cow's butt the other day, and it wasn't so bad","It just smelled like derriere" +"The grocery store checker just asked if I wanted my milk in a bag. I said No. Leave it in the jug","Can you imagine the mess" +"Why is the ocean salty","Because the land doesn't wave back" +"How wouçd Superman be called if he was a philosopher","Clerk Kant" +"I learned about sex through watching porn","I just wasn’t familiar with the “Ins and Outs” of it" +"My phone has to. Weare glasses","Since it lost its contacts" +"When you're swimming in the sea and an eel bites your knee","That's a moray." +"Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention","I laughed more than I thought" +"Who Is The Ruler of Caves Underground","SPELUNKING" +"Where do vampires go for their stationary needs","Pencil-vania" +"I used to work in a bank","But then I lost interest" +"I told my wife we could still have a threesome during this Coronavirus pandemic","There would be six feet between us" +"Did you know it's much harder to break into a building that has cured salmon","It's because of the lox" +"My friend asked me what I thought about his miniature windmill","I told him, “Not a huge fan" +"What's a tree rodent's favorite tea","Squirrel Grey" +"To the man in the wheel chair that stole my camouflage jacket","You can’t run but you can hide" +"Many trees that get chopped down don't die","They *log* out" +"Listening to Kiss from a Rose by Seal Wife: This is a really strange song. I mean do roses even have lips. Me: No but I know what plant does. Wife:","Me: Tulips" +"A man walks into a bar. he orders a drink. The bartender makes the drink, and gives it to him. The man is upset. This drink is too warm. He exclaims. The bartender takes his drink back, adds an ice cube, and hands it to the Man. The man is unhappy with this. this drink is still too warm. The bartender takes the drink back, and adds more ice cubes. Once again, he hands it to the Man. The man is irate. This drink is **STILL** too warm. The bartender is now annoyed. He takes the man's drink, dumps it out, and serves him a glass of ice. The man is left speechless","Finally, just ice was served" +"I made the mistake of giving my email address to a group of armor enthusiasts","Now they won't stop sending me chain mail!" +"My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So","I had to put my foot down" +"Just got the ex. Jusy got a random text from her after picking up my son for the weekend. Her: Hey, how much do used PS3'S run. Me: Not a whole lot, they don't have legs. No idea why I'm single","I'm fucking hilarious" +"What does a baby computer call it's father","Data" +"We still don't know why record stores failed","they had record sales every year" +"Not a dad joke, but a wife joke. When is a jar not a jar","When it's a door" +"My brother is an aspiring filmmaker. Him: “I shot three movies today. ” Dad: “Oh really. Did any of them come out alive","” Him: “What" +"My 90 year old grandfather dropped this one recently He had been taken to the hospital for a routine check up after suffering a fall/stroke/something along those lines, and was being asked a series of simple questions (Name, age, date of birth) and all went well until they asked him What sort of building are your in. expecting him to say hospital. His response","Brick" +"Working at a grocery store. Do you want this milk in a bag or should","I just leave it in the jug" +"Why did the chef lose the cooking competition","He ran out of thyme" +"I was gonna give archery a shot","But there’s too many drawbacks." +"Far Cough Had to visit a mall today. As I was standing on the escalator, someone coughed behind me. I turned around and noticed he was very near. We all know if you need to cough, you must cough far away. So I told him to FAR COUGH","And that’s how the fight started" +"Which is the coolest football team in Italy","AC Milan" +"Dad has an idea for a TV show Okay I had an idea. So it's a buddy cop show except that the cop is a bike cop and his partner is the bike and the bike is alive and mean","So then they would do a good cop and bad cop thing and then the good cop would leave the bike alone with the suspect and then come back in and the suspect would be all beat up and saying DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE WITH THE BIKE AGAIN and then the cop would be like well I did warn you that it's a VICIOUS CYCLE" +"What did the depressed carpenter say","I really hate my shelf" +"I'm thinking of selling my theremin","I haven't touched it in years" +"I'm thinking of moving to Europe to study different types of bacteria","I figure the best place to begin would be Germany" +"Browsing Craigslist the other day, I came across someone who wanted to learn to make macaroni. I contacted him, and we set up a time and place to met so I could teach him, being an master macaroni maker myself. As soon as we met, he let me know that he thought I didn't look like someone who even knew how to make halfway decent macaroni","Sir, I assured him, I'm a master of my Kraft" +"I'd love to get into gardening","now that I have more thyme on my hands" +"What do you call it when a chickpea kills another chickpea","Hummus-ide :)" +"What's the opposite of irony","Wrinkly" +"What does a house wear","A dress" +"What did one dad say to another","Hi another, I’m dad (Repost from r/3amjokes)" +"Wife: Ugh . I hate getting headaches all the time","Me: It's all in your head" +"I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals","It's pointless" +"Did you hear about that new Christmas show on Netflix","I’m pretty sure it’s called Manger Things" +"I went to a. Chinese restaurant the other day. My meal came and the chicken wasn't very nice so. I called over the","Chinese restaurants waiter and told him this chicken is very rubbery and he said ahh thank you very much!" +"What kind of dog always knows what is going on","Aware wolf" +"Got a call from my Dad. Little background, I usually take the bus to work and sometimes, if my dad is in the area at the end of the day, he will give me a ride home. I was at work when I got a call from him that went: Dad: Did you take the bus to work","Me: Yes Dad: Well, you better give it back then" +"Did you hear nobody in Florida can drive","They lost their keys" +"I broke up with my girlfriend,. Ruth","I’m ruthless" +"My grandfather was his army battalion's mime during WW2","He doesn't like to talk about it" +"An old man and his lawn An older gentleman had an herb garden, one of the herbs that he had planted was thyme. The thyme took really well to the climate and environment of his lawn, and began to extend past his garden, into his lawn. Now, this was unacceptable as he prided himself on having a pristine lawn. He decides he needs to reign in the problem and heads to the nearby nursery to find a solution. He gets there, but wants to make sure he finds the right product. After about 30 minutes, one of the customer service associates notices he's spent a lot of time looking around the herbicides and whatnot. Thinking the man has a weed problem, he offers the following assistance. Hey can I help you find a weed-killer. You've been on this asile awhile, and I can definitely speed up the process","No thanks, the man responds, I've got some thyme to kill" +"Finding the right analogy is as hard as. as hard as. ummmm","damn" +"The Wong and White wedding While in high school, Dana White met and fell in love with David Wong. After a few months the couple decided to get married. Dana insisted on getting married at sunset on the ocean on a yacht. The big day finally arrived and both families joined together to head out for the wedding. The captain of the yacht, checked the weather and saw a storm brewing. He advised the party it was not safe to travel out, but Dana and David both insisted they were going to get married on the ocean at sunset, so everyone loaded up and the boat departed. Sure enough just as the captain was performing the ceremony the storm hit, and the boat capsized killing everyone aboard. The next day the head of the the NTSB, Mr. Perry made this statement. It was a stormy night. So many Wong's and Whites. Neither would change their headstrong ways. The sea was in a rage. The captain turned the page","Their dying wasn't worth what they paid" +"The alphabet is such a tease. First it’s all like. HI, then it’s like","JK." +"I couldn't realise why the baseball was just floating in the air","Then it hit me" +"My uncle on bowling alleys My cousin was complaining about bowling alleys and that she doesn't like them because they are too loud. My uncle responded, actually, bowling alleys are pretty quiet","In fact, they're so quiet you can hear a pin drop" +"Two cannibals were eating a clown","One said to the other: 'Does he taste funny to you" +"What do you call a man with a rubber toe","Roberto" +"So proud of my 9y/o son Shortly after we left Bass Pro Shop Outdoor World, my wife sneezed. Son: Are you okay mommy. Wife: Yeah, I'm just allergic to the outside. Son: Then why did you go to OUTDOOR WORLD. Get it","*Waggles eyebrows* I think my wife's eyes rolled so far she saw her own brain" +"Green ladybug Yesterday I was helping my old man install the railing on his new deck. He stopped and said hey look at this weird green lady bug","I told him it must not be ripe yet" +"A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that's the last thing I need","This joke has me dead" +"A double triumph at dinner Me, talking to my gang of teenage kids about their day. I asked my oldest son what he was working for the upcoming science olympiad. My son: We're working on a pendulum. Me: Must be a lot of back and forth. ACTUAL LAUGHTER. After we settled back down, my son said, We're also working on objects. I said Objects. puzzled. No Dad. Optics. Oh. Optics. I see. (big grin) Laughter again","TRIUMPH" +"Wife set me up perfectly I came home from work the other night and as I walk in *Better Man* by Pearl Jam is on the stereo, and my wife is setting out a nice juicy steak for me","I looked her right in the eye's and told her truthfully that It doesn't get Eddie Veder than this She punched my shoulder" +"My wife was wondering what the world would be like if we just all stopped fighting. I said, Well, I guess then we'd all be bakers. . Because we'd be making loaves, not war","The look on her face was priceless, and she must have groaned for five full minutes" +"What do you call the world's smartest butcher","Cleaver" +"Why do cow milking stools only have three legs","Because the cow has the udder" +"I dig, You dig, He digs, She digs, We dig, They dig","Its not a long poem but its very deep" +"At the dinner table. I couldn't resist. Wife: I don't really like cheese. Me: I know. You never laugh at any of my jokes","Wife:" +"After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher suggested that I should be tenor","Ten or twelve feet away from her at all times" +"Where do Alpacas come from","Alpacistan" +"Dad got my girlfriend with this one Her: My grandfather was a quarter Canadian","Dad: Yeah but with the exchange rate it only gets you like 20 cents worth" +"Why did the banker leave his job","He had no interest" +"What do you call two transgender midgets having sex","A micro-transaction" +"Just got dadjoked by a patient in the ER Me - Sir, my name is 4ourfeathers and I am going to draw your blood","Patient - Well, I'll only let you draw my blood if you use markers" +"My dog died today","It was ruff" +"Cab driver got me this morning. I got a cab to take me to the airport and I asked the driver if he took credit card. Quick as anything he said, Yessir, but we usually give them back","Just the humor I need for a 6AM flight" +"What does Trump's security tell him when he is attacked","Donald, Duck" +"I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting","’ So we stopped playing chess" +"Knock Knock. Whos there. Mary and Abby. Mary and Abby who","Mary christmas and a Abby new year" +"My youngest son, James, took me around the neighborhood to catch some Pokemon. We came upon some other folks who were furiously tapping on their phones near what was, supposedly, an important location that he owned . My son, dejectedly, asked My Pokemon are not very strong. Can you help me","I knelt down, looked at him and said I am here to defend my Jim" +"Mike Tyson got very disturbed after binge watching “Breaking Bad”","He said, “That was pretty methed up" +"This post says I've been accused of stealing other people's jokes https://redd","it/b5oc36" +"I took a video of my shoe yesterday","It was some pretty nice footage" +"I am so bright","my father calls me son" +"I heard there’s no training for being a trash collector","You just pick it up as you go along" +"Dad jokes are no laughing matter https://i. imgur. com/Glf70tS","jpg" +"What do you call a man who's dating John Cena's daughter","An Ambulance [I'm sure he didn't see it coming]" +"Why do cow farms smell so bad","It's from the Dairy Air" +"I got my hair cut recently. Friend: I liked your long hair but your short hair is starting to grow on me. Me: actually its growing on me","I got a brownie point" +"I got my friend friend: Could I get that $20 before you leave. me: All I have on me is $15 friend: That'll do, you drive a hard bargain","me: No I drive a Nissan friend: I hate you" +"Two people are having sex in Alabama and they begin to sweat. What is the weather report","Relative humidity" +"A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar","He came, he saw, he conquered" +"My dad’s addicted to buying ladders","He uses them just to get high" +"Why do chickens use dirty words","Because they only know fowl language" +"Got my boss with a dadjoke She'd told me about something a friend of hers had posted onto Facebook. A friends' daughter had swallowed a 2p coin","I said she should post the comment Have the doctors noticed any change yet" +"Whenever. I'm around. Hispanic people i only say mucho","It means a lot to them" +"What happens when you walk by a tornado","You pass wind" +"My uncle introducing my cousin and her husband. every time This is Denise","and this is de nephew" +"A proud moment A proud new dad sits down to have a drink with his father Well son, now that you've got a kid of your own, I think it's time to give you this Dad, you don't mean- Yes son, I do **Dad pulls out copy of 1001 Dad Jokes, 5th Edition** Dad. I'm honoured. , he says, tears sparkling in his eyes. Hi honoured , replies his father","I'm dad" +"Two peanuts were walking down the road","One was assaulted" +"Can't wait till the end of the year so. I can finally give up spray-on deodorant","Roll-on next year!" +"If you're attacked by clowns at the circus","always go for the juggler" +"Department Head in my office: The new printer is making funny noises. Me (Tech Support): Did you laugh","&#x200B;" +"Today, my daughter stole my heart","it's ok though, its my least favorite part of the artichoke" +"Which computer is the best singer","A dell" +"I began reading a horror novel in braile. Something bad is about to happen,","I can feel it." +"How much sex does a Sister have. Nun","They don't start the habit" +"My wife refuses to make me coffee because it is against her cultural upbringing. She is a","Hebrew" +"Got rekt by my Political Science Professor *lecture about US political culture* Prof: You guys like magic Class: Yeah. Prof: Okay I need a volunteer *I raised my hand so he picked me* Prof: Okay pull out a dollar bill and point out the wings of the bald eagle *I do* Prof: Okay I want you to fold the bill 3 times long ways then hand it to me *i fold it then hand it to him* Prof: You can still see the wings right. okay I am now going to fold it sideways into 3rds then I want you to hold out 3 fingers with your palm up *he places the folded bill onto my fingers with the center third flat on my hand* Prof: now say wing 3 times Me: Wing wing wing *prof picks up the bill and holds it up to his ear* Prof: Hello. This is Professor Frank, who is this","The whole class couldn't stop laughing for like 10 minutes xD" +"Why was Beethoven unable to see his teacher","Cos he was Haydn" +"Good. Title what do tiny surfers ride &#x200B;","Microwaves" +"A man had two sons, Pete and Repeat. What was the second sons name. Repeat I said: A man had two sons, Pete and Repeat. What was the second sons name. Repeat Are your ears broken","Continued with added frustration and humor each time" +"I used to be a professional singer. Why do I mention it","I figured it was noteworthy" +"What kind of car does Mickey Mouse drive","A Minnie Van" +"Dadjoked my brother for his birthday My brother turned 16 today, and for a party he invited 5 of his lady friends. One of them have him a set of Disney Princess bandaids. My wife and my brother are both big fans of the movie Frozen and my wife had something to say. Brother: Look at these cool bandages. Wife: But they aren't Frozen bandages. Brother: Well I guess. Me: He can just put them in the freezer","The entire party just rolled their eyes at me" +"We rented a white limo for my grandfathers 80th birthday To take him to our house for his party. As he arrived and got out, he said Next time you see me in one of these, it will be black","Hilarious old man" +"I'm an under cover agent. for a blanket company","My dad on his side hustle" +"What do you call a cop in bed","(Lord help me) An under-cover cop" +"When I text my dad, he calls me instead of texting back","Boomerang" +"My dog ate my coding homework","It took him a couple bytes" +"I asked my North Korean friend how it was there","He said he couldn't complain" +"Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award","He was out-standing in his field" +"I bought shoes from a drug dealer,. I don’t know what he laced them with, but","I was tripping all day" +"Whenever someone compliments my hair. I have really long a curly hair that people tend to compliment. So whenever someone says I like your hair or something of the like, I say Thanks","I grew it myself" +"Dad joked my manager at work. So as a mechanic I was able to dad joke my managers at work. Walked up to one of them and said Looks like she needs a belt. Someone must have told it a really good joke. So he just goes alright and keeps going on with his work. I respond with I don't quite think you got it. He says What was that. Tell me again. So I repeat myself. He says Why is that. I said Because it's all cracked up","He just lets out a long drawn out sigh while the other one goes huh, that's funny" +"Someone is stealing my magnets from the cubicle","I think it's because they find it attractive." +"Which is the most impatient herb. Thyme","It waits for no man" +"The cooler broke at work yesterday, and we had to throw out about $4,000 with of milk. In the process, a lot of it ended up spilling on the floor","One of the older guys that I work with walked in and said, Wow, this place is an UDDER disaster" +"How did the farmer find his wife","He tractor down" +"For me, the urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is always just a whim away","whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away" +"My daughter was carving soap at school. She came home to tell us about her project; a bear. I asked how she did, she says she forgot to do the front paws of the bear. I told her to ask for the project back to fix it because. She had the right to arm bears","Actual dad joke I told" +"How many religious women does it take to change a lightbulb","Nun" +"I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles","My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster" +"Just witnessed this classic on the bus **Passenger:** Which bus are you","**Driver:** I'm not a bus, I'm the driver" +"Where did Captain Hook buy his hook","From a second hand store" +"What is a geologist's number one rule","Never take anything for granite" +"Boss dad joked me today Him: What did the biologist say when he hit his toes on the dresser. Me: What","Him: Mitosis" +"What kind of books does a Rabbit like. The one with the Hoppy ending","My daughter told me this 😀" +"After years of torment, I finally got my dad back at lunch today We met up at a restaurant, and I ordered some kind of fancy taco. Halfway through the meal, he looks over at the dribbling mess my taco had become and says, Looks like your taco has a leak","I carefully set the taco down, opened it up, peered at it for a moment, and replied, Nope, I think that's an onion" +"What do snowmen call their children","Chill-dren" +"From my dad in a local ice cream shoppe After seeing what another costumer ordered, my dad was inspired to say this: A guy walks into an ice cream shoppe that serves dozens of flavors of ice cream but orders a scoop of chocolate ice cream and a scoop of strawberry ice cream","I guess you could say that his taste in ice cream is pretty vanilla" +"Son wanted the car My son called me: When are you getting home. About 15 minutes, why, what's up. I wanted to take the car to the gym. Why, is the car overweight","" +"I'm not happy","Really, which dwarf are you, then" +"What is the most intelligent shape","A circle, it has 360 degrees" +"Where’s a barber’s favorite to store his money","His shavings account" +"What's an Amish Man's favorite type of Raisin","A Barn Raisin" +"Hey guys my Delorean is for sale","Low mileage, beautiful paint It’s only been driven from time to time" +"A# had a child","It was a son of a pitch" +"I dated two girls at the same time in high school. Kate and Edith. They both found out pretty quick. taught me a good lesson","You can’t have your Kate and Edith too" +"Playing some CS:GO team member A: Ok everyone Lets Rush in A","team member B: I'm not Russian I'm french" +"Someone told me I had a dad bod","but to my kids it's more of a father figure" +"Just got the family with this one As the missus is plating up bacon and eggs for us all. Me: I'm so next to Austria right now *** quizzical looks *** Me: I'm Hungary","*** cue groans all' round *** Me: *** laughs to self, satisfied ***" +"How do midgets greet each other","They microwave" +"How my husband knew he would marry me \(Background: at this point in time my family had chickens on the property and my husband liked them. \) Husband: \*playing with chickens\* Me: Honey, how many times do I have to tell you to not play with your food. \*smiles sheepishly\* Husband: \(hubby","exe processing\) we are so getting married" +"A book fell on my head","I've got my shelf to blame" +"My statistician wife told me my looks were average","That's just mean" +"Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road","Because it got stuck in a crack" +"Did you hear the one about the guy whose friends kept nagging him to donate a preposition","In the end, he gave in" +"My dream job is to be paid to measure bottles of orange softdrink","That's just me fantasising" +"Daddy, look. Those turtles are playing piggyback. Son, I was going to wait till you were older for this talk but","Those are tortoises , not turtles" +"Why is six afraid of seven","Because seven is a registered six offender" +"My wife screamed you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you","What a weird way to start a conversation" +"Do you know what so great about Switzerland","I never been there but I hear the flag is a plus" +"Guess who I saw today","Everybody I looked at" +"I wish this subreddit had more steak jokes","But it's a rare medium well-done" +"I got out dad joked. -_- Go figure I got out joked by a Grandpa. I was talking to my father-in-law and the following took place. Me: I have a great idea. I'm going to get a bunch of young good looking hispanic guys and make a bilingual boy band. (he's looking at his phone) I'm gonna call it Juan Direction. (he looks up) FIL: I saw something that said Juan Direction online. Me: oh","FIL: It said south" +"Got a solid eyeroll with this one. I (f) took a risk by showing my dad-ness to a guy I've gone on a few dates with. I'd say it went well. Scene: In line at the grocery store. Me: Those are nice shoes. Him: Thanks, I like them but the soles came off pretty early. Me: So, what you're saying is they're the devil's shoes. Him: . Me: . because they're sole-less","I laughed, he rolled his eyes, and I got a bonus sigh from the lady in front of us" +"I wanted to make a joke about a pizza chef","But he past-a way" +"So today I asked my wife if she knew of any krutches I could borrow for the upcoming office party. Her: what are you supposed to be dressed up as. Me: a walking dad joke. Her:","Me: I'd be kind of lame" +"I asked my tailor why he made my pants without a zipper","He answered, You're on the no-fly list" +"I'm looking for some good fish jokes If you know any","Let minnow" +"What does a rusty can of spray-on rust remover smell like","Irony" +"Why did the coffee go to the police","It got mugged" +"Sicilian Dad Joke This'll be of a slightly different ilk given my dad was/is a hardcore Jersey-Sicilian. So one day my dad's visiting Princeton University when he goes up to a student and asks, Hey, where's the bathroom at. The guy responds, I'm sorry sir, but here at Princeton we don't end our sentences in prepositions. So my dad goes, Okay. Where's the bathroom at. asshole","" +"My friend really changed once she became a vegetarian","It's like I've never seen herbivore" +"While most puns make me numb","math puns make me number" +"A vegan and a carnivore eat at the same table but don't argue. Because they don't have beef for each other","Credits: My 5 year old nephew" +"“My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you","” What a strange way to start a conversation with me" +"What do you give a tornado for its birthday","A funnel cake" +"I never eat clocks","It’s time consuming" +"Why do chickens think they are dollars","Because they always go buck buck" +"What's the worst thing about getting hit in the face with a pi","It never ends" +"How did Geppetto escape the whale's belly","He ran around until he was pooped" +"First day of class, professor joke First day of the new semester. I'm at my first class, Experimental Statistics. The professor is going over the syllabus and everything then stops for us to do an exercise. He tells us to turn to the person next to us and ask them to marry us. (If you must know, the guy on side me said no. Apparently it was something I said. ) We start to quiet down and wait for the explanation of why 1000 students just asked each other to marriage","The professor said that it was important for his students to be engaged during class" +"I just dadjoked my own dad ME: Would you like a cup of tea. DAD: Yes please. ME: Milk and sugar. DAD: Only sugar please. So I came back with a cup of ONLY sugar","He's proud of me" +"The astronaut broke up with his wife","Said he needed some space" +"My first dad joke as a new father. I was with my wife in the hospital after the birth of my first child. Wife: It's crazy how she knows to suck on my boobies for food. Me: Of course she knows. She wasn't born yesterday. She shook her head and stopped talking to me","I have succeeded" +"My mom said whenever. I get married,. I should do something low key","I told her my fiancee's family might not like the norse mythology theme" +"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough. Because a cold never bothered her anyway. ~ My youngest son thought of that all by himself","He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska" +"What time is, hands down, the best time of day","6:30" +"I got fired from my lawn maintenance job","I just wasn’t cutting it" +"At first. I really didn’t like my new haircut","But then it grew on me" +"I'm nervous about the ladder that's leaning against the side of my house","It's up to something" +"As soon as you find out someone has 10,000 bees, marry them","That’s when you know that they’ll be a keeper" +"I managed to contact the spirit of our window cleaner who died recently","I used a Squeegee board" +"My dad's cooking wild salmon for dinner","I hope they settle down before I put them on the grill" +"I once met a professional juggler. I asked him how he liked his job","He said, Well on the one hand I'm constantly tossing and catching balls, but on the other hand, I'm also constantly tossing and catching balls" +"Pi day dad joked at work My co worker asked me how many digits I can name in pi","I responded well I can name all the digits in pi, 0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8, and 9 they are all in there somewhere" +"My son was born by C-section. You can't tell by looking at him but when he gets out the car he always goes out the sun roof","(Buddy of mine told me that one)" +"Started a new job, a friend texted me do you have any people under you","Replied yes, but she usually just lies there and makes me do all the work" +"My dad getting use out of his PhD in physiology Watching The Strain when the doctors start doing an autopsy on a vampire body Sister: So the vampire virus destroys all of the hosts organs. Me: No it just changes them into different organs. Dad: Yeah, they're. disorganized","Laughter ensues" +"My girlfriend asked if she missed anything with her straightener. I responded with your life . She didn't get it at first so I explained You need to straighten your life out","Luckily she loves dad jokes, no matter how much she groaned she still laughed" +"I used to have a job at a calendar factory. Got fired because","I took a few of days off" +"I met my boyfriend at a soccer match. There he was, putting on his gloves","I immediately knew he was a keeper" +"Do you remember that joke about the forgetful comedian","Neither does he" +"Driving down the highway, I saw a sign that said Uneven Lanes I told my wife That sign must be wrong","There are still 4 lanes" +"Dad joked while golfing My dad and I went galling this morming, and a flock of birds was sitting on the fairway of the third hole as we got to the tee box. I asked him how many strokes we would get off our score if we hit a bird","As he stepped up to address the ball, he said calmly It's an automatic birdie" +"What kind of car does Jesus drive","A Christ-ler" +"I rubbed ketchup in my eyes. In","Heinz sight it wasn't the best idea" +"Did you hear about that fire at the cheese factory","All that's left was de Brie" +"I install fences in alleyways for a living","It’s a pretty dead end job, if you ask me" +"What's the difference between a Lake and a Dam","Lake I give a Dam" +"Me: Hey dad knock knock","Dad: Its open" +"I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money","All he does is stand there applauding and saying he loves how smooth it is" +"Did you hear about the guy who keeps knocking over bookcases","He has poor shelf control" +"I was so bored I memorized six pages of a dictionary","I learned next to nothing" +"Which food collects your personal data","A Zuckerburger" +"Real dad joke story time. I was in a medieval literature class in college and the professor asked the class, what can we tell about courtly love. To which I respond, well, she wasn't much help to Kurt Cobain","No one laughed while I beamed with pride at my joke" +"Have you tried the new Sith Blend Roast Coffee","It’s pretty good but it’s a bit on the dark side" +"Communism was doomed to fail","Who in the Hell has a problem with proper tea" +"My son's nursery school just bought some brand new air fresheners","It's a day care scenter" +"What do you get when you go to a bad Mexican restaurant","Poor flavor" +"I hate it when people say I can't make puns about Mediterranean islands","Of Corsican, don't be Sicily" +"Fellow cook just got me so terribly This just happened 5 minutes ago. I work in a busy kitchen and I was changing these white trash bags around the kitchen. As I start heading outside with them, I'm moving around cooks while saying coming through . This guy corrects me and says say white trash . So I start yelling white trash coming through while everyone stares at me. I can't believe I just fell for that","" +"What do you call an illiterate Mexican","A 100 word essay" +"The shovel","was a ground-breaking invention" +"Guys I just made up a new word","Plagiarism" +"Do you like oranges","I do, but only once in a blue moon" +"[German] Und was ist, wenn der neue Rammstein-Song auf dem Index landet","Dann kannst du ihn dir nur noch von der Ursula Leyen" +"I bought a very high quality one-way elevator","It has never let me down" +"This one was baaaaaad I was home from college for the weekend and my parents decided to take me out to get real food. So I decided I'd make the most of it and order lamb shoulder. Me: Well I guess me and this lamb can't be friends anymore. Dad: Why is that. Me: Cause he has a giant chip on his shoulder","*groans from everyone aorund the table" +"I can't say it yet, but the day will come. I'm getting married in a few months. The subject of kids comes up once in a while. My fiancee wants to name our first daughter Kara, and I just realized why this will be amazing. Someday she will reach the age where complaints are the norm and the only thing her eyes can do is roll","My response to every complaint: I don't Kara" +"You know, I'm such a good singer, people always ask me to sing solo . solo they can't hear me. Coincidentally, they also ask me to sing tenor","tenor twelve miles away" +"The press found out their is a secret vegetable garden in the White House","The White House leaks made headlines" +"My best friend keeps telling me to “cheer up man","It could be a lot worse, you could be stuck in an underground hole filled with water” I know he means well" +"What is Thanos's favorite PC game","Half Life <3" +"What did the ocean say to the boat","Nothing, it just waved" +"Went to see Placido Domingo, from the Three Tenors, in concert recently. I predicted this joke before it happened. Dad: What group was this guy in again. Me: The Three Tenors. Dad: Do you know how much they used to get paid. Me: (Groan) How much","Dad: Thirty quid" +"I bought a greyhound today and my wife asked me, Are you going to race him. Of course not. I replied","He's faster than me" +"What do you call it when a snowman loses his temper","A meltdown" +"I hear Miller Brewing is starting a brewery in Alaska for a special run of beer","They'll call it The Northern Lites" +"I was really angry with my friend for building a walkway over my pond. I’ve forgiven him now","It’s just water under the bridge" +"My snake is 3. 14 feet long","It's a πthon" +"What did the Dalmatian say to the masseuse","oooh yeah, that’s the spot" +"My wife yelled at me for having no sense of direction. So","I packed up my stuff and right." +"Dad Jokes has a new subreddit. It's called r/HeyCarl. Here's an example: http://imgur","com/zekFWrO" +"my friend asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”","I said maybe" +"What do you get when you cross a Cocker Spaniel, a poodle, and a ghost","A cocker poodle boo Happy Halloween y'all" +"Free. Microsoft. Office. Key (NOT. SCAM). You'll just have to take my","Word for it" +"Nobody likes my joke about paper","It's tearable" +"I have a whole book of 365 jokes, one for each day of the year. Here are some of the ones I dont cringe at: 1. Why do prisoners hate computers. The escape key never works. 2. How do trees get on the internet. They log in. 3. Knock knock. Who's there. Toucan. Toucan who. Toucan play at that game 4. How do bees brush their hair. With hineycombs. 5. Why was the empty Olympic stadium so hot. All the fans had left. 6. Why did the cow cross the road. To get to the udder side. 7. Why did the chicken cross the road. It was playing crossy road. 8. Can February March. No but April may. 9. Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar. He got 12 months. 10. why are recycling bins so optimistic. Cuz they're full of cans","[Insert minion meme]" +"What do you call it when a Mexican hyperventilates","A Hispanic attack" +"What's. Blue and not heavy. Light","Blue" +"I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone","Then it dawned on me" +"What do you call a bear standing out in the rain","A drizzly bear" +"[OC] Hats off to this legend This is a true story, I'm relaying it as I heard it yesterday. &#x200B; Yesterday I was at the Summit Shop of Pike's Peak (14,100 feet in elevation) in Colorado. As I was standing in line to purchase a few things from their cafe, among them some of their 'famous' donuts I heard a dad and son have the conversation below: &#x200B; Son: These Donuts look weird. Dad: That's because they're high altitude donuts. S: How do you know they're high altitude donuts","D: Because we're at a high altitude" +"A man bursts into his therapist's office and says, Doc, you gotta help me. I keep dreaming I'm stuck inside a deck of cards. The therapist looked up from his paperwork and said, I'm busy now","I'll deal with you later" +"A man named Al was recently found guilty of poaching whales off the coast of Norway. The most interesting development came when the prosecution discovered evidence that he had trained a whale to help him locate new pods. When confronted about his unethical whaling endeavors, Al showed no signs of remorse","In fact, he has been using his time in prison to begin writing his memoir: “Al’s Whale That Ends Whales" +"Break A Leg Why do we tell actors to “break a leg","” Because every play has a cast" +"Can anybody give me some advice to help me removing ice from my windshield. I just tried with a discount card I had In my pocket","Only got 20%Off" +"At the auto show looking at the terrible new design on the Ram truck","Let's get the hell out of Dodge" +"My friend said he’d pay me back later with gum","I took it in Stride" +"What do you call a monkey in a minefield","A baboom" +"Junk Drawers There was a facebook post saying, Everyone seems to have one of those drawers in their house where they just put all the random stuff that doesn't belong anywhere else. Post a picture of your junk drawer","So my dad took a picture of a pair of his boxers and posted it with the caption, Here are the drawers where I keep my junk" +"I drove threw a flock of seagulls the other day. One of them hit my bumper, flew over my car and struck and police car behind me","I got arrested for flipping him the bird" +"What's the only weapon that can't destroy an island","Miss-isles" +"I spent the day making a belt out of watches","Waist of time." +"Drinking tea when. Me: I don't like this flavor. BF: Would you say it's","not your cup of tea" +"Yesterday I decided to turn over a new Leaf","I'm now banned from all Nissan dealerships" +"My daughter screeched, Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you","What a strange way to start a conversation with me" +"My boss said I was fired. So I hit him with a fire extinguisher. Now I'm not fired","In other news, I need a lawyer" +"A Mexican magician told his audience he would disappear on the count of three. He says “Uno. Dos. ” *POOF*","he disappeared without a Très" +"I farted in my wallet","now I have gas money" +"My mailman got a sex change","I guess you'd call him a post man now" +"Got my fiance with this one My fiance was talking about getting her brother a [Bumper Bully](http://www. bumperbully. com/) for Christmas. > Fiance: I just don't know what version to get him. I'm thinking either Gold or Platinum","> Me: You should probably just get him the rubber version" +"Why is today out of this world","Because it 15 MAR5" +"Why don't they make boats out of peppers","Because they're always capsaicin" +"I asked my friend why did he walk away from his last job","He said that his wage was so low he couldn't afford a car" +"Fast food restaurant takes a few minutes,. bag gets handed over with, “Sorry about the wait","” “It’s not heavy at all" +"How do you check if a sniper loves you","He misses you" +"Don't call me later, call me dad. http://i. imgur. com/BxvKkH6","png" +"Why was the little ant always confused","Because all his uncles are ants" +"What do you call an old snowman","Water" +"Why don’t pirates travel on mountain roads","‘Scurvy" +"BDSM couples must be very close","What, with all that bonding time they have" +"Dad, have you ever made any dadjokes. Me: only four Son: only four","Me: that I know of Mom of my four children laughed" +"We were walking past a salon called. Shears so","I pointed and said Where everybody knows your mane." +"People who smoke weed are good gamblers","They always roll high" +"When does the punchline in a dad joke become apparent","After the delivery" +"What do old people smell like","Depends" +"Want a successful business. Open up a record store","No matter what, you'll have record sales every year" +"Why was Pierre so sad that his hands were wet","He was feeling l'eau" +"What do you call it when a duck farts","A butt-quack" +"My. Dad was in a choir. So my dad was in a choir a long time ago and the sopranos were having trouble hitting a high a in one of the songs they were doing. The director says alright i think we'll take a break and get back to that part . Without a beat my dad responds i guess that would be a. Hiatus","He still tells the story of the time he told the joke like 10 years later." +"If they do the presidential recount and overturn the decision","That would really be an unpresidented event" +"What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the utilities closet","SUPPLIES" +"Do you know this song. Daughter: Dad, do you know the song 'Chandelier'. Me: <Sing a few lines>. You mean that one. Daughter: Yeah. Me: <Think for a moment> No, never heard it","I've tried it and it works with other songs too" +"What sound does a 747 make when it bounces","Boeing, Boeing, Boeing" +"The iPhone went from 8 to 10","I guess 7 really 8, 9" +"Outdaded. So I'm at work and I see this interaction take place and thought it belonged here: coworker #1 says I'm bored. coworker #2 says Hi Bored. I'm Jon. that's a unique name. Coworker #1 I know","It changes all the time, yesterday it was Hungry" +"I just removed the T . I received a text after helping a friend out today. FRIEND: Thanks for being here for me today","ME: Np, I had trouble getting there so I just removed the 'T' I also stole and butchered this joke from a comedian but she laughed anyway" +"When life gives you melons","You're probably dyslexic." +"If you see a robbery at an apple store","Does that make you an iWitness" +"Know why the native Americans were here first","because they had reservations" +"What do you call a constipated bear","Winnie-no-poo" +"As I turned on the car and put it in reverse, I thought to myself, man","this takes me back" +"Apparently they tried to weaponise yeast infections","It was truly bread for war" +"What do you call a Mexican guy with an anxiety disorder","Hispanic" +"My students are catching on. Today I took a class out onto the oval to investigate the strength of radio signals in different situations. For one, we wrapped a radio in foil and as I was unwrapping it a student commented that they hoped there was food inside. I finished opening it and said 'oh man, it's a radio - mum must really hate me' to which another student replied 'I know, it's not even a ham radio","' Was so proud" +"I had a friend who labored all day at a yogurt factory","He was all work and Yoplait" +"Did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter","Pretty nuts" +"I took a selfie after my kidneys were removed","Hashtag nofilter" +"As. I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:","You know, one would have been enough." +"What did the fog say to the mist","Two's company, three's a cloud" +"My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic","She was not impressed" +"Just walked past a sign that read, This fire door is alarmed","So I give it a little rub and told it everything is going to be ok" +"My astronomy poster fell off of the wall last night","Now there is a lot of space on my floor." +"Why couldn't horse parliament pass any laws","They would always vote neigh" +"2/3 is a passing grade but when I lose one of my three kids, everyone freaks out like I did something horrible","😒" +"What is Red and smells like Blue paint","Red Paint" +"What’s the type of music a balloon hates","Pop music" +"Four year old told me this before bed Why did the banana go to the doctor","Because he wasn't peeling good" +"What do you call a second-rate writer","A subscribe" +"NASA sent a Cat to Mars but it died","Curiosity killed the Cat" +"Why is Peter Pan always flying","He neverlands" +"The best way to kill somebody is to shoot them in the head","Really, it's so obvious it's a no-brainer" +"Dad hit me with this one last night Him- I'm putting the chicken in the oven. Me- ok, cool. Him- No, not cool","The ovens pretty hot right now" +"My daughter lost her mood ring","She's not sure how to feel about it" +"How do you embarrass a stuttering. Tauntaun. B-by","Taunt-tauntaunting him." +"We don’t make sense","We make dollars" +"This one is from my wife oddly enough. Why do people go to bed at night","Because the bed can't come to you" +"Did you know the Bible actually predicted that gay parades would be held during the summer","Pride comes before the fall" +"I made your appointment to the dentist","It is at tooth-thirty" +"Hey dad how was your weekend","Light, dark, light, dark, Monday" +"Honey, guess what. I'm pregnant. Hi pregnant","I'm Dad" +"What do you call a man with no shins","Tony" +"My masseuse dropped a golden one today. She asked if the pile of my clothes were my work clothes and I said No, at work I wear black pants, black vest, black tie and a white shirt. I look like an inside-out penguin","After a long pause, she said aren't inside-out penguins red" +"This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues","Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks" +"Where do vampires live","On a dead end" +"How does Kevin Durant stay fresh on the court","He uses deodurant" +"I butted in when my brother's fiancée was saying my brother would get a pretty big ticket from how fast he was driving","I said all tickets are about the same size" +"What kind of music do chiropractors love","Hip Pop" +"How can you tell if the Christmas crab has been to your house. By the sandy claws tracks. my dad just told my brothers and I that one now","Not sure if it’s been posted already" +"I started dating a clown with big boobs. When my dad met her he asked if they were made of","Sillycone" +"I think I’m allergic to people who wear shorts","Every time I look at one I see-knees" +"Don't eat aluminum","Or you'll sheet metal" +"Semi-cruel Dad Joke My Dad and I were working on outing up a fence together in the backyard, and he was changing the blade on a electric saw he had. He called me over so I can learn how to change the blade (so later in life I can be a proper handyman and all that jazz), except the electric saw he was using was extremely old and very outdated. So I told him, Dad I really don't think I need to learn that as I doubt I will ever use that","To which he replied, I thought the same thing when I was your age, then they took all my slaves away" +"My dad says that in Texas, there are only two kinds of mosquitoes The kind that's small enough to fly through the screen door","And the kind that's big enough to open it" +"I’m so good at sleeping","I can do it with my eyes closed" +"Don't bother pushing the envelope","It will still be stationary" +"Dad joked myself unintentionally Walking with my girlfriend, noticed a discarded soda can on the sidewalk. I hate people who litter. It's so trashy. . cute. Wh--","AUGHHH" +"I don't understand how. Americans can be homophobic","I mean imagine having forefathers" +"Scored a groan from three out of four roommates We should make Kraft dinner","Who is Kraft and why can't he make his own dinner" +"What did the inquisitive hatchet say. I need to AXE you a question. Hahaha, my husband is so proud of this joke","Came up with it all on his own" +"Growing marijuana and raising cattle simultaneously is pretty risky but can be very profitable","It’s a high steaks business model" +"How long does a dad joke last. A paternity. (I am very, very proud of this one","I came up with it myself" +"I haven't been out to dinner a lot, but I saw my chance and ran with it. *Dining with a friend, looking over the menu:* So what are you ordering. I ask. She replies, The Chicken Chasseur sounds pretty good. I pause for a moment, and then it hits me. I certainly hope so, the chicken isn't going to catch itself. It was a fowl moment, to say the least",":x" +"Dad put the oven on please","Okay but it might not suit me" +"Told my girlfriend that I'm not pale. I'm pasty","That's why she's stuck with me" +"Why do mermaids wear seashells","Cos they grew out of their b shells" +"I was supposed to build a playground for my little brother, but I accidentally broke it","My dad said he'll let this slide for now" +"A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present. ” Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present","First saw it on badjokesbyjeff" +"There's someone named. Cam. O'Flage. But","I've never seen him" +"Are u a equilateral triangle","Cause you are acute-y" +"My wife dropped a cookie in the car It was a melted chocolate chip cookie, and got chocolate on the seat. Me - Ugh, that's going to stain. Her - *wipes it up with a baby wipe* Me - See. You rubbed it in. Her - what did you want me to do. Me - Rub it out","Her - *glare*" +"I hate it when people don't know the difference between your and you're","There so stupid" +"A sink walked up to the front door of a family's home, knocked, and asked to be let in. Son: woah, what the hell, that's a walking, knocking, talking sink, like what is that, can they even do that. Father: of course they can, son. For centuries. Millennia even. They lay dormant for years at a time and then reanimate every once in a while to go somewhere new. Son: I literally had no idea, that's insane, Dad. Father: pretty crazy, right","Now let that sink in" +"I don't trust stairs","They're always up to something" +"why did the cookie go to the hospital","because he felt crumby" +"Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth","Then it becomes a soap opera" +"[xpost from /r/funny] What do Downton Abbey and teenage girls have in common","Period drama" +"I’m desperately looking to make friends with someone called Moderation","My wife says that I should drink with him every day" +"Wife got me while playing Fallout Me: What. Why does the ghoul have an oven mitt","Her: Must've been the ghost peppers" +"What do you call a robot with terrible aim","Opti-miss Prime" +"Steak jokes are a rare medium well done. Nevermind, that was raw","Let me cook something else up" +"I accidentally dropped my buddy's guitar yesterday and it put a hole in my floor","Had no idea it was a heavy metal guitar." +"Today's Sunday 'Non Sequitur' Comic is brilliant http://www. gocomics","com/nonsequitur/2015/03/29" +"No thanks, I don't like them My SO called me out recently because when we went to the vets with our kitten, the receptionist approached us in the waiting room with a bag of cat treats and said to my SO Awww, would he like one. I replied No thanks, I don't like them","Receptionist awkwardly chuckled, SO tutted and I sat there basking in warmth of my dadjoke victory" +"My girlfriend accidentally put dish soap in the dishwasher last night We had just finished cleaning up dinner and were watching a movie when I went into the kitchen to get dessert. The entire floor was covered in bubbles emerging from the dish washer. I called to her and said it looked like Sud-etenland in here","She was unamused" +"RIP boiling water","You will be mist" +"My mom sent out a group chat saying she picked up. Chinese food for dinner","My dad: That woks!" +"Tried (and failed) to dad joke my daughter. We're driving, my daughter and I, and I see the car in front of us happens to have BRR as the last part of the sequence of their license plate. My daughter is reading (she never stops) so she doesn't see it. So I say look, it's Elsa's car in front of us. She didn't miss a beat, she looked up, saw the BRR car and said, nope, must be Ana, the cold doesn't bother Elsa. And went back to reading","Someday I hope to dad like her" +"Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon. He wanted to go where no man had gone before","&#x200B; (My dad dropped this one out of nowhere over coffee this morning" +"Before every Tickle-Me-Elmo leaves the factory","it gets a test tickle" +"When I asked my dad what show he was watching. Me: What're you watching. Dad: The Code. Me: What's that","Dad: I can't tell you" +"Who tells the best jokes down on the farm, Dairy farmers or Maize growers","Maize growers - their jokes are always corn-ear" +"What do you get when you cross a Rabbit with a Rottweiler","Just the Rottweiler" +"Just found out that diarrhea is hereditary","it runs in your jeans" +"Why is it so easy for a boy scout to get married","Because they know fifty ways to tie the knot" +"Walk a mile in the shoes of a man with no legs","It just socks" +"I like to play this game with my daughter it's called hide and seek","She hides, and then I see how high I can count (out loud) before she gets annoyed and comes out to complain about the game" +"A train robbed a bank","What kind of loco motives could it have" +"Everyone know that 6 is afraid of 7, because 7 8 9. But why did 7 eat 9","7 wanted to have 3 squared meals a day" +"Why do Swedish ships have bar codes on the sides","So when they come back to port, they can scan da navy in" +"How do you make a tissue dance","Put a little boogie on it" +"My dad walked into the fish mongers, and asked if he had any muscles. Yes, said the monger","Well can you help me move my fridge, said my dad" +"I sent my son next door with a packed suitcase. They called asking why","I said He is a Home School Foreign Exchange Student" +"If my wife has red hair and we have a child","Would that make my offspring ginger-bred" +"I had a cheap circumcision","It was a rip-off." +"What's the difference between a dirty, old bus station and a lobster with breast implants","One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean" +"I only added a few toppings on my pizza","There wasn’t mushroom" +"I’m really good at making my friends hot drinks","Some of them call it my special tea." +"I'm an ice magician but do you know why i chose ice","Because it's cooler than the others" +"Why did the English Professor have a hard time going to the toilet","Because, he only had a semi-colon" +"I must have eaten a clown","Because my stomach feels funny" +"What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme","You can't hear an enzyme" +"Want to hear a joke about paper","Nevermind, it's tearable!" +"Shapely Sorting through junk mail full of holiday sales. Wife: Nothing but circulars","Me: Mm, they're mostly rectangulars" +"Why did the rooster go to Chick-Fil-A","Because he wanted to see a chicken strip ;)" +"My Dad Would Have Liked This One My daughter, on a recent family visit to my elderly mother, got the family matriarch talking about herself (a difficult task) by asking about old recipes and parties when my mom was young. Eventually it got around to my mom telling my daughter about gin-containing Pink Lady cocktails, which were served at the wedding reception in 1953, and that led to my mom digging out her boxed wedding dress from under all the memorabilia in the bedroom closet, for my daughter to try on. In telling this story later, in my presence, to the rest of our family, my daughter said that, Grandma told me about Pink Lady gin cocktails, which made her pull up her wedding dress in the bedroom. I bit my tongue, I counted to 10, I thought better of it, then I roared out, Just like Dad in '53","I am not allowed to attend family dinners for the indefinite future" +"What's ET short for","Because he's got little legs" +"People say nothing is impossible. But","I do nothing every day!" +"What should you do when you see a spaceman","You should park your car, man" +"I like telling Dad jokes","Sometimes he laughs" +"I came across a broken escalator the other day. All","I could do was stair." +"What did one ocean say to the other. Nothing, they just waved. Sea what I did there","Im Shore you did, but can’t kelp it but laugh" +"After shaving my beard, I realized I liked my old look better","I guess it really did grow on me" +"Nature Programmes Me and my dad were watching a documentary and the narrator mentions a fact about bison, my dad looks over to me and says casually we have one of those in our bathroom . I turn to him curiously and reply What. A bison. No we don't, what are you talking about. He replies, yeah we do, it's what you wash your hands in. I groaned and walked out with out saying a word. Shame because I wanted to watch the documentary","He has been quiet with the bad jokes recently but I'm glad he's found his form again" +"What do sea monsters eat for lunch","Potato ships" +"Else","Whenever someone delivers an ultimatum and says or else - just visit this thread to choose else as your option." +"Dubai doesn't have a. Flintstones land. But","Abidabi do!" +"It’s so weird that all my life I thought it was “Berenstein Bears","” It's actually Chicago Bears" +"My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number","I wonder what she’s up to now" +"What is the Spanish karate instructors favorite move","El Chopo" +"I walked in the bathroom naked this morning","and my shower got turned on" +"I ordered pizza and they got the order wrong. I ordered pizza from dominos. All I wanted on mine was BBQ sauce and meatballs. When I opened the box, there was mushrooms on it","I turned to the wife and told her; 'All I wanted was BBQ sauce and meatballs, there wasn't Mush-room for error'" +"My dad was trying to think of an actress, and I asked what did she act in","He responded with, everything she's an actress" +"Jesus bought a car the other day","It was a Christler" +"Are all mathematicians religious","Yea, they all believe in a higher power" +"Coworker got my other coworker I work at a pub and this was after hours when we were cleaning up. Coworker 1: Some guy tried to headbutt me tonight because I asked him to move whilst i was mopping Coworker 2: Aha, what a *nutter*. Groans were had","Not sure if it's just a UK thing, but 'nutting' someone is slang (I think) for headbutting someone" +"My dog has no nose Him: How does he smell then","Me: Awful" +"The Easter flower should be a Rose. Why Dad. Cause Jesus a-rose from the dead","Tells it every year, reactions have gone from groans to my younger brother throwing himself to the ground" +"Where do bubble wraps come from. Don't know","It popped out of nowhere" +"Did you hear about the new hedge shears","Rumor has it its edge cutting technology" +"How does. Harry. Potter get down a hill. By walking. JK,. ROWLING (This isn't mine but","I haven't seen it yet here sooooo)" +"Alcatraz is going on the market","It's a tough cell" +"There’s no time like today to do the things you love. For me, that thing is fishing","Carp diem" +"My dad went thrifting today. He said he was","Goodwill hunting." +"Stepfather laid this one on me during My Strange Addiction","Girl on the show is addicted to sniffing moth balls and he says: It must be hard for those moths to fly with balls that big" +"Who won the race between the skeleton and the skull","The skull, it was just ahead" +"You might say. Wife: Girls, we need to pick out some shoes. Your aunt wants to buy some for Easter for you. Me: Why is she going to do that. They already have 1000 shoes each. (not much of an exaggeration) Wife: She has a problem. Me: You might say. Wife: Don't do it. Me:","she has isshoes" +"The thing about musicians is. While driving in the car listening to some Manic Street Preachers and discussing the death of Richey Edwards","Dad: isn't it odd how many successful musicians seem eclectic and somewhat dysfunctional Me: they probably would not have been successful songwriters if they weren't Dad: or so good at playing the eclectic guitar" +"I broke the lightbulb in my lamp today","It was delighted" +"My Russian friend is on strike down at the napkin factory","He's in the serviette union" +"Who broke /r/dadjokes. Things seem to be changing from a culture of dad jokes being jokes that BOTH make you groan or laugh, to they have to make you laugh. The point of dad jokes is that it's the sort of joke your dad would make, not that it's a always funny joke","Part of the joy is that a lot of dad jokes are groaners" +"I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick earlier today","She still hasn't spoken to me" +"To whoever stole my Microsoft Copy, I will find you. You have my word","(classic)" +"I was sat next to my Dad watching TV when he text me this","Update the force, Luke Adobe Wan Kenobi" +"What do you call an elevator when the power goes out. A dark vator","(My daughter came up with that one on her own when she was about 5)" +"Why do you never see a hippo hiding in a tree","Because they are so good at it" +"Apparently someone got arrested here for making false instruments","I guess those instruments must have been lyres" +"My son told me he didn't understand cloning","I told him, 'that makes two of us'" +"Oxygen went on a date with potassium. It was","OK" +"I found my first school photo today","It was quite a big building" +"Dadjokes At The Supermarket [I'm surprised she put up with this as long as she did](https://i. imgur. com/2nb0yBc","mp4)" +"How do you count cows","With a cowculator" +"What does seven days with no meat do","Make one weak" +"My girlfriend asked me if I thought she would need to wear a sweater today","Its supposed to be 70 degrees, but you know what they say this time of year: its always cardigan/off again" +"Just killed the office conversation Two co-workers were talking about a couple of Chinese restaurants that had Wok in their names","So I said, I guess you could say that you're experiencing different Woks in life" +"(Dad told me this one just now) In Jamaica, a slice of apple pie costs $2. In the Bahamas, a slice costs of apple pie costs $2","Those are the pie-rates of the Carribean" +"My neighbour's 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown","He still can't say please though, which I think is poor for four" +"I just bought a thesaurus and when I got home all the pages were blank","I have no words to describe how angry I am right now" +"My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo","So I had to put my foot down" +"The father of the GoPro baby who stared in the superbowl commercial is one of us. Context: Dad throws baby into the air at the end of the commercial. http://i. imgur. com/1ipOPSM. jpg Comment Snap: http://imgur","com/zrF1wYh" +"Dad: Hey. You want some delicious apple pie with chocolate crust. Me: Absolutely. Dad: Yeah, me too","EVERY TIME GODDAMMIT" +"A torch was passed from my father to me last weekend. I grew up in Northern California and have visited the Monterey Bay Aquarium a few times as a kid. Every. Goddam. Time. My dad would pause in front of the jellyfish tank and say You kids think *these* are cool, wait till you see the peanut butter fish. Maybe they will make you a sandwich. So on saturday my mom and dad accompanied me and my family there for the first time in years. When we got to the jellyfish I was ready, and beat my dad to the punch. My three year old thought I was serious of course, but my five year old daughter is pretty sharp and she called me out. My dad leaned down and congratulated her for not being duped. He then said Let's go check out the *tuna* tank. My daughter got excited and said They have TUNA. Grinning, my dad said Yes sweetheart, and just like at Red Lobster, you get to pick which one you want and they will make you a sandwich","The old man has still got it" +"My dad was never around","He was such a square" +"So proud of my daughter for this one. Why do fishes swim in salt water. Because pepper would make them sneeze. She's six","She's awesome" +"A truck carrying toupees crashed on the highway, spilling everything","Police are combing the area" +"When I visit the ocean, I can never locate any dolphins","I guess I've lost my sense of porpoise" +"My dad called me at 6:30 am today to tell me this. He's in his 50's, I'm 30. Good morning, son. Hey, Dad, what's up. (Wondering if something bad is up). So, you know why it's never a good idea to get in an argument with your dad. (I'm still groggy waking up) Why, Dad. Because he already knows all the 'Your Mom' jokes, and you definitely don't want to hear them from him. Ahahahaha","/hangs up on me" +"What did rhe elephant say to the naked man","How do you breathe through that thing" +"Did you know there's an antelope in Africa that can jump higher than a house","Houses can't jump" +"The earth doing a full rotation really makes my day","But doing a full lap around the sun makes my year" +"What does a mathematician need to be a good dancer","Algo-rhythm" +"Scored my first dad joke today. [NSFW] I was putting on my bra after a shower today. My husband said, Goodbye boobies","So I replied, Not goodbye, just Ta-Ta for now" +"My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but i’m not impressed. I’ve had a","Canon printer for years" +"What's Usain Bolt's favourite subject","Jography" +"How many Spaniards does it take to change a light-bulb","Juan" +"If Muhammad Ali had a son named Brock. Would he be Brock-Ali","🥦" +"What do dyslexic zombies like to eat","Brians" +"Did you hear about the guy who hid in the clouds","He was hiding in plane sight" +"What do you call security guards who guard Samsung stores","Guardians of the Galaxies" +"I've decided to do volunteer work with an organization that builds homes for sea creatures","It's called habitat for huge manatees" +"My buddy got a new job fixing on-demand water heaters. When","I asked him how it was going he said, it's a tankless job, but somebody's gotta do it." +"I dont always tell dad jokes, but when I do","He laughs" +"A. Swede deal. So the","Volvo salesmaiden says to the guy, she says, This is our most afjordable model." +"Beings from another planet abducted me and tried to convert me to Anglicanism","I guess they were Episcopaliens" +"What did the Canadian eagle say","I'm soary" +"After having dinner in the nursing home. Gram: It was okay, nothing to write home about","Dad: Then it's a good thing you're already there" +"I'm flying to Florida today","Best part about the plane is it can take off Or lando" +"Dad got me on my birthday Me: Yea my friend is studying plants, what's the major called. Dad: Horticulture. Me: Yea that one","Anywa- Dad: You can lead a whore to culture, but you can't make her drink Dammit" +"[police chasing man on foot] Police: STOP RIGHT THERE. Man: *breathless* Oh God. I can’t run anymore. Police: *grinning* sounds like you need","arrest" +"I dad joked my student last week. Student (upon entering the room): Today is horrible. Me: No, today is Thursday","Followed by cackling laughter from me, a chuckle from another student, and confused/annoyed look from the angry student" +"NOT THE TIME FOR JOKES **When my friend’s wife was in labor, he would tell jokes to keep her mind off the pain, but this didn’t amuse her much","I guess it was the delivery" +"The Oregon Trail You meet a man on the Oregon Trail, the man says his name is Terry. “Terry. That’s a girl’s name. ” You laugh. Terry shoots you","You have died of dissin Terry" +"Did you hear about the English professor who went to jail","She got a full sentence" +"Cattle Farmers respond to Federal Agents burning marijuana fields next door","In these troubled times, the steaks have never been higher" +"I told my dad a joke about electricity","He said “that’s so funny it hertz”" +"Just got back from Lowe’s where I picked up a cool new gadget. Solar powered clippers attached to a drone that I can program to do most of my landscaping","It’s real Cutting Hedge Technology" +"My 3 year old smiled. started to laugh, and then said Not funny Going over the alphabet with my 3 year old and he asks What's after Z. What's after Z. Well, it's Now. Now. Now I know my ABCs. Not funny","My wife groaned, and my 6 year old shook his head" +"Made my dad laugh last night so here (We're eating, my dad gives me a piece of rib and I eat it without a second thought) Me: Damn I should've checked for bones first. Mom: Yeah when we X-ray people we find bones in them all the time","Me: I sure hope so" +"A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer","Bartender says, 'Sorry we don't serve food here" +"What did the drummer call his twin daughters","Anna one, Anna two" +"I'll be performing on stage after the band. Viagra. Boys","That's a hard act to follow" +"Dadjokes at work We had a large shipment of LED screens arrive at work today. They were all stacked up near a colleague's desk, let's call him Jim. I approached my boss and asked Is Jim in trouble. My boss looks at me, puzzled No. Then why's he been so heavily monitored","" +"Did you know that beer makes you smarter","It made Bud-Wiser" +"So there are these twins with dwarfism who compete in marathons together","I hear short legs run in their family" +"What do you call the Rocky Mountains in Minecraft. The Blocky Mountains","(My 9yo son came up with this one" +"A drug dealer just sold me some shoes…","I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day" +"Who is the best drug dealer","Medusa, because she can easily get you stoned" +"My dad taught me lockpicking today","He said it would open many doors in life for me" +"I went to the gallows today","It was really fun everyone was hanging out" +"You know. Bruce. Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother…. Sudden","Lee." +"I lent my friend my gigantic grandfather clock for a show and tell","He owes me big time" +"The ballerina dresses told me that they love me. I replied,","I love you two too, tutus ." +"Dad joked my girlfriend before a concert Standing around on the floor of a music venue filled with people, I smelled a fart. I quickly turn my girlfriend around and say, It wasn't me, to remove any doubt because I'm known for this sort of thing","She says, I know it wasn't you, to which I replied, I was just trying to clear the air" +"I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful","In fact, it was gourdjuice" +"Santa Claus probably has","sELFish desires" +"Why did the dolphin commit suicide","His life had no porpoise" +"Ron Howard has started a pizza chain exclusively for Redditors","It’s called— Opie delivers" +"I got fired from. Subway yesterday for accidentally giving a customer the incorrect sandwich","Oops, wrong sub." +"Did you see the volcano in South America that blew its top","With all of the cloud cover, it must be Chile" +"A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses inside him","The doctor described his condition as stable!" +"Dad joked my boss today Going through a bunch of crap in the storage room. Her: Huh, I guess we can get rid of this clock. Me: What a waste of time","Eyes were rolled after that one" +"Dad jokes are like rubber","They’re usually a bit of a stretch" +"Thanksgiving dad joke Happened moments ago","Mom: Honey we need to dress the turkey Dad: We just finished pulling the feathers off, now you want to dress it" +"How do Australians clean up after a poop","Bidet, mate" +"What concert costs $0","A 50 cent and nickelback concert" +"An old man got me good this morning at work I work as a cashier and was ringing up an older gentleman's items for him. Me: It's $8. 30 sir. Him: (looks up from his wallet and smiles) No it's only 8:01 I stared at him and giggled like a kid when I realized what happened","Made my day" +"Getting our things home after vacation We're on vacation, and due to work and other factors we are all heading home at different times on different flights. My mom says to my dad: Can we discuss how we're getting shit home. Well it'll be way easier if you go to the bathroom and just leave it here EDIT: a few minutes later, my Mom needed help fitting something into one of our bags. She asked my dad for a hand","He clapped" +"A guy bursts into his therapist's office and says, doc, I keep having this horrible nightmare of being smashed inside a deck of cards. The therapist looks up and says, I'm busy","I'll deal with you later" +"What do you call a hardware shop run by an amphibian on a mushroom","Toad's tools" +"I hate Pi","It acts so irrational all the time" +"Where did the seaweed find a job","In the Kelp Wanted section" +"Why don’t French people have two eggs for breakfast","because in France one egg is un oeuf" +"My GPS just told me to turn around","Now I can't see where I'm driving" +"My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am","Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes" +"What do circles and bad Reddit posts have in common","They both have 0 points" +"My Dad found out he had cancer He comes home from the doc and we all have heard by this point but nobody says anything. He asks my bros and I to meet him in the back room. With a sigh he says I think we need to address the elephant in the room","He then pulled out a small glass elephant from his pocket and said okay, here it is" +"What would happen if the US suddenly switched to the metric system. There'd be mass confusion (Inspiration: https://www. reddit. com/r/monkeyspaw/comments/cy1td0/i_wish_the_usa_would_finally_switch_to_the_metric/eypnk65","utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)" +"A termite walks into a bar and says, “Hey","” “Where’s the bar tender" +"Alligators can grow up to 15 feet","But most have only four" +"What are you if you smoke marijuana and masturbate at the same time","A weedwacker" +"Does anybody here know how to make bread","I just knead to know" +"Did you hear about the penguin that found a genies lamp","he got three fishes" +"Did you hear about the prison for athletic criminals from Poland","Its a pole vault now" +"Why did the throne give the king radiation poisoning","It was chair noble" +"What did the alien say to the glass of water","Take me to your liter" +"Whoever stole my anti depressants","I hope you are happy now" +"I offered my wife a drink of my Sunkist My five year old came running over to me with his lips puckered. I stopped him and asked what he's doing. His reply: son kiss, and started giggling","My kid is out-dadjoking me" +"What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie","Sofishticated" +"What's this movie about, dad","About 2 hours" +"What do you take me for","Granted" +"We just had fish for dinner and it tasted funny","I'm never eating clownfish again" +"Every single time I say Hey Dad: Straw is cheaper","And over the years, I now know to reply with: Well, Grass is free Dad: Not in California" +"When is an injury pretty","When it is acute" +"My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues","I think she’s in love with me" +"Dad joked while watching Star Trek. My boyfriend and I were watching Star Trek, and I made a comment about the shields being down, to which he responded they're just sad . After which laughing so hard he cried","Sigh" +"I just heard there's a new. Canadian strain of covid","People are showing up to the hospital eh-symptomatic" +"Why did the hammer feel bad. Because he hit his head","(From my 5yr old daughter; I’m so proud)" +"Why did the scarecrow get promoted","He was outstanding in his field" +"We have trouble taking our dog on walks. My father-in-law: have you ever taken him to a Chinese man. Me: no, why. Father-in-law: because they know how to wok a dog","Solid gold" +"Roaming minutes My dad is out of the country with a cruise and texted me. I told him to Facebook message me so as to not waste his roaming minutes. His response: Roming on Friday. Florencing tomorrow. Francing today","I laughed in my cubicle and refused to explain why" +"What do you call an owl that does magic","Whodini" +"Edgar Allan Poe is about to run into a tree. What do you yell at him","POETRY" +"What's Frank Sinatra's favorite cereal","My Whey" +"Do you know why kleptomaniacs have a hard time understanding puns","Because they take things literally" +"If pessimism was a Olympic sport","I would still not win it" +"What did the dentist say just before reading the X-ray results","“Time for the moment of tooth" +"I tried to pick up the navy's new mounted laser turret but it weighed more than a ton","I thought a laser would be light" +"A man walks into a bar with his pet giraffe, the barman asks what he can get them and the man orders a pint for himself and 20 shots for the giraffe, the giraffe necks all 20 shots and falls on the ground, the man goes to leave the bar and the barman says HEY, you can't leave that lyin there","The man says that's not a lion, that's a giraffe" +"Did you hear about the scarecrow who got nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize","He was out standing in his field" +"Hey kids, did I ever tell you why I never became a ballerina","I was afraid of tights" +"I was gardening with my son","We were digging out where the fish pond was going to be, and he went to get his sister to help because it was fun for the HOLE family" +"Mum hit a deer last night, Dad says it was venicide. Direct impact, so the front of the car is totaled and it can't be driven, but no air bags went off so everyone is okay. The morning has been long, lots of time on the phone since the vehicle in question was a rental","Can't say they won't remember their time in Alberta" +"Last time. I was in. France. I wanted to ask a question about strawberries. But","I wasn't sure how to fraise it" +"Why can't a single person cut both your knees off","It has to be a joint effort" +"Before I had a son, my life was a joke","Now that I have a son, my whole life's a dad joke" +"My ginger father-in-law recently purchased a KIA","Now he has a Soul" +"Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building. Of course it can","A building can’t jump at all" +"How much does a pirate pay for corn","A buccaneer" +"My wife asked if we had any limocello . I don't think she liked my answer. http://imgur","com/08cXfbg" +"My daughter Charlotte went to a salon for that fake beach look","Charlatan" +"My dog lost his voice while we were travelling. My dog lost his voice while we were travelling. I'm not sure what happened","I think it may have happened at the Port of Debarkation" +"What did the swimming and diving team do when they were stranded on a desert island without a diving board","They resorted to cannonballism" +"It's snowing. Mom: The snows really coming down here. Me: Still clear here. Mom: We have over a foot. Me: I have two feet","(I think this confirms that my gf must be pregnant" +"My wife and I had a 3 hour discussion about the Mariana Trench","It got really deep" +"Got dadjoked by a kindergartner I tutor. They start so young. I'm a private French tutor for a family in my area, and one of the kids is a little girl in kindergarten. Their family is big on tea so she was trying to pour her tea herself before the lesson started. But kindergartners spill everything, so I helped her pour it. Good teamwork. - me More like *tea*-work","-her I've never been more proud" +"Got my 8 year old brother with double pun, that left him in silence and me in laughter (as usual) Playing soccer with my 8 year old brother (I'm sortve like an uncle to him) when he then says his eye is hurting. Me: Really are you okay. Him: Yeah it's alright. It happens sometimes when I'm reading and i can't make out the words. Me: (thinking he may have dyslexia) Oh really, what happens to the words when you try to read them. Him: I can't read them. Sometimes words just moosh together, like they and are become one word, it's weird. Me: Maybe you just have conjunctivitis","XD (Then had to explain what conjunctivitis and a conjunction is - still a win in my books)" +"Police are looking for a man selling marijuana to birds","Eyewitnesses report he left no tern unstoned" +"If you have promised your partner or children that you will love them and cherish them 24/7","Remind them that today is 24/7" +"What was the name of the Roman emperor who kept getting things wrong","Erroneous" +"Dad joked my 17 yr old who stayed at a friends house last night an we had a terrible rain storm When he returned home this morning I looked at the car and yelled did you leave the car out in the rain last night","His look of terror faded into disbelief that he fell for it" +"Pretend you are on a raft in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sharks. You only have a one day supply of water and a harpoon. What do you do","Stop pretending" +"Grandfather So I was talking to my bobpa (grandfather in my family) as a kid and I said if I'm good, will you give me a quarter My grandfather hastily replied that's exortion","When I was your age, I was good for nothing" +"So my new dog doesn't like to poop in the grass","She only poops in the garden under the plants so we call her Poopie Plants" +"I just came back from my coworker’s funeral, who died when he was hit on the head by a tennis ball","It was a lovely service" +"My roommate is ready to be a dad. When accused of leaving the cheesecake out after having a slice, his response was, I'm sorry,","I was blinded by delight!" +"Why was Napoleon a bad archeologist","He would always pick a Bonaparte" +"xpost from /r/youdontsurf. Thought it fit here nicely Sorry, it's a [picture](http://i. imgur. com/7tDbjYy","jpg)" +"What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle","Attire" +"Any League of Legends players out there. I got into an ARAM game the other day. For those of you who do not know there are characters, or champions, you pick in the game. ARAM is a game-mode in League of Legends where the computer gives you a random character out of the 130+ champions, or so. I am not good at all the champions. not even close. So a way to balance this out the game allows you to trade champions with the other people on your team. So in this game there is a champion called Fizz which I am not good with at all, which I randomly got. and this is what happened inside the pre-game chat: **Me: Oh shoot. ** **Me: Can anyone trade me. ** --Someone trades me their champion-- **Me: Thank you. I am so bad with this little guy that you can say I am. *Fizzically challenged*","** From a game lobby where I was the only one who used chat, it exploded to people typing their moaning and groaning, sensible chuckles, and hearty LOLs" +"LPT: If you can, try to mow your front lawn on really windy days","Cleanup is a breeze" +"What do you call an Irish man bouncing off the walls","Rick O Shea credit: /u/Mustardbyname at /r/Jokes/comments/d2ngk7/its_my_cake_day_today_so_ill_give_you_one_of_my/" +"After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music","Because he had a ton of sick beets" +"What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws","Outlaws are wanted" +"How are you guys enjoying the hunt for red September","Oops wrong sub" +"Saw this meme and knew I had to (poorly) edit it for bad jokes http://imgur. com/rkEq0xO Ooooh","You said DAD jokes" +"I love the long joke and I found one here I had to steal. My sister did not enjoy. [Long] I know I don't come here to read a wall of text but since I got this stole this joke from a post here I thought I would share. My daughter is too young to appreciate this one, you can tell my sister was slightly aggravated. http://imgur","com/JmnlGxC" +"During Biology class Me and a friend were working on an experiment that shows Darwin's theory. Basically, we used beans to represent rabbits with hair and rabbits without hair, and eventually all the ones without hair died off. On a worksheet, we were asked what happened. Friend: Only rabbits with fur lived. Me: So only haired hares","It took her a second to get it, and then she rolled her eyes as I died of laughter at my amazing joke" +"What is Justin Trudeau's favourite guitar pedal","Auto-Wah" +"Did you hear about that tennis player who never cleans his house","His name is Novak" +"I write to someone about our mutual love for pasta","He's my penne pal." +"What country that is never full","Hungary" +"Something something Rabbit ears. Did you hear the one about the two Antennas who fell in love","The wedding wasn't a pretty sight but at least the reception was great" +"My grandfather, who was in the army, once told me, “1940, I met my first love. 1946, my second. 1950, I met the woman of my dreams","” “It was quite a hectic evening" +"A teacher asked her class. A teacher asked her class to use the word definitely in a sentence. The sky is definitely blue. said one girl. The teacher responded, The sky can also be black or red or even pink. Another kid raised his hand, The grass is definitely green. The grass could also be brown. Then little Johnny raised his hand. Yes Johnny. Are farts solid. The teacher taken aback by his question answers anyways, No Johnny but how is that relavent","Well I definitely pooped my pants" +"What does John Wick get told on a Saturday night","Wick's almost over :/" +"The police arrested a duck","He sold quack" +"Amish or Mennonites. My fiancee and I were driving when we passed two men who appeared to be Amish riding their bikes. She asked if they were Amish, or Mennonites","I replied, No, those are men on bikes" +"What sound does breasts make","bu-dum-tits" +"I seriously cannot believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick","Seriously, how low can you go?" +"I’m a math teacher but today. I had to sub in an. English class. It was really","Lit." +"Why couldn't the young pirate see the adult movie","Two eyepatches" +"I hear jewish personal trainers are the best","They muscle tov" +"I dad-joked my dad. We were walking through the woods and my dad pointed to a tree and said, that big tree there is a Beech","I said, and that little one over there is a son of a Beech" +"Why did the baker have to wash his hands. Because he kneaded a poo","My gf isn't impressed either" +"My family's gotta start farming more than just chickens","We need to think outside the bawks" +"Why does noone use pennies anymore","'Cause they don't make very much cents" +"Me: Dad. Make Me A Sandwich. Dad: **POOF","** You're a sandwich now" +"Why is Peter Pan always flying","Because he Neverlands" +"Dinosaurs least favorite reindeer","Comet" +"I dadjoked my friend earlier today I was in a library on a computer with my friend. I looked over at thier computer. They had a dog in a sailboat as thier background","So I said to them Is that for rough waters" +"Dad after having surgery Dad recently had minor surgery. The doctor told him not to lift anything over 10lbs for a few days","He turned to me and said I'm going to need your help when I go to the bathroom" +"Got my girlfriend","A nice necklace and earrings to go with it" +"My dad was texting my step-mom. Dad: Did you get the text I sent you. SM: No, what did it say","Dad: It didn't say anything you have to read it" +"Heard this gem today at a craft store with my fiancée We were looking for twine or something in the yarn section and this dad walks by with his two daughters, gives a huge yawn, and says, WOW","That was a huge yarn and then began to start chuckling uncontrollably" +"My doctor said i need to be tested hearing aids","I said I don't think so I always used protection" +"Why does Waldo wear stripes","He doesn't want to be spotted" +"I booked a ticket on a plane that supposedly travels back in time","I'm waiting at gate B4" +"Made french toast for dinner and got my husband with this one Made french toast for dinner and gave my husband his plate. Him: Yum, flapjacks","Me: Nope, they're flap-jacques :)" +"What do you call a midget psychic that escaped from prison","A small medium at large" +"A genie asked, What’s your first wish. Steve answered, I wish I was rich","And the genie said, What’s your second wish, Rich" +"Wanna hear a joke about paper. Never mind","It's tearable" +"Did you know that it's impossible for a nose to be 12 inches long","Because then it would be a foot" +"Why did Sean Connery sit on the toilet","There was nowhere else to shit" +"What do you call a taco in a snow storm","A burrrrrrito" +"I told my partner that I'm getting her name tattooed onto my body. Where exactly. she asked","I said, Probably at the tattoo shop down the road" +"What did the nut say while chasing the other nut","Im a cashew" +"My father and I were setting up camp. As we were setting up, he said he had to take a dump and that while he does that, I need to finish tying up the tent. I asked “really","To which he replied: “I shit, you knot" +"(Right after dinner) Waiter: So how did you find your steak, sir. Me: wasn’t too difficult","It was right next to the potatoes" +"Dad Joked in the Drive-Thru We'll call the employee **Sahara. ** **Sahara:** Welcome to Jack, can I take your order. **Dad:** Can I get a number four medi- *Ambulance speeds by* **Sahara:** I'm sorry, what was that","**Dad:** The ambulance *Minute of Silence* **Dad:** A number four medium combo" +"Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack","Because he only comes once a year" +"My dad spotted a sign in the supermarket and couldn't resist I was in the supermarket with my dad when we passed by a giant cooler fool of seafood","He got my attention and pointed at a sign beside the cooler, reading **ATTENTION: THIS AREA IS MONITORED BY CLOSED-CIRCUIT TELEVISION AT ALL TIMES** before saying: I'm glad the management is making sure nothing *FISHY* is going on" +"What do you call 1000kg of egg rolls","Won Ton" +"I've also started writing. German. Poetry. German","Poe" +"Me: Dad please can you make me a sandwich","Dad: Abracadabra, you are a sandwich" +"How do you say “constipation” in German","Far-from-poopin" +"Hey, does that street sign say Left Road. https://imgur","com/a/RBsr0Q9" +"You ever hear about the dude who rode his horse through a flaming loop","His name was Medieval Knievel" +"Say you're in a bar and a horse walks in","You're in a bar and a horse walks in" +"I asked my buddy if he could hit up the boss for some gloves for me","But my buddy told me to grow a pair" +"I'd be a terrible. NASCAR driver because","I'm always right." +"Dad, my soup tastes funny","Then why aren't you laughing" +"Last night I dreamed the ocean was orange soda","It was a Fanta Sea" +"I came up with a new word","Plagiarism" +"I was walking the dogs, and some guy came up and asked me if they’re jack russels","I said “nah mate, they’re mine”" +"Want to hear a joke about paper","Nevermind its tearable" +"I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant but then","I changed my mind." +"I recently heard that Gilgamesh was named the ‘Sexiest Man in History’","I guess women just love a man in cuneiform" +"Why did the belt go to prison","He held up a pair of pants" +"The police raided a church for drugs","They found nun" +"How do you tie up two martians","With an astro-knot" +"Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary","It runs in your jeans" +"My grandfather to my 48 year old mom. Grandfather: Ask me how I feel (Moms name). Mom: Ok then. how do you feel. Grandfather: With my hands. I was eating at my grandparents house when I got a listen to this gem","Age has no boundaries to dad jokes" +"When you die, what part of your body keeps working the longest","Your pupils, because they dilate" +"My husband started counting to the neighborhood kids - 1, 3, 5, 7, 9 and then asked the kids what he was doing","He literally can't even" +"What do you call a funny mountain","hill-arious" +"How do you pay for internet memes","With a reddit card" +"Why can't you trust a softball pitcher","Because they use underhanded tactics" +"I adopted a goat for my son called Roxanne","I wish you'd called me something else, he often says" +"I spent months designing a belt made of recycled watches","My wife says it was a waist of time" +"I tried to eat a watch yesterday","It was very time consuming." +"What do you call a scientist that smiths weapons in his free time","Steel and Brass Tyson" +"Know why cows have hooves and not feet","Because they lactose" +"Last weekend. I childproofed my home,","And somehow the kids still got in." +"Two peanuts walking down the street","One was a salted" +"Did someone remove my post. http://i. imgur. com/9LsiBsE","jpg" +"Why can you only eat meteorites once they enter the atmosphere","They become a little meteor" +"My son told me the tree outside scared him at night I said don’t worry son, that thing is all bark","No bite" +"Slick dad joke used in title Toronto Star article reporting spill on highway https://www. thestar. com/news/gta/2016/07/19/salad-dressing-spill-on-dvp-ramp-causes-traffic-mayo-hem","html" +"A friends dad posted this picture on facebook today. The comment section was filled with other dads laughing http://imgur","com/KLjQc6V" +"Got dadjoked by a 1st grader today He was putting his shoes on and I noticed he put them on the wrong feet. I told him, Hey you put your shoes on the wrong feet","He looked down and thought for a second, then said, I don't have any other feet" +"What to know why I believe in a conspiracy about beavers","Because there is some damming evidence" +"I can't stop collecting miniature models of southern Spanish architecture from the Middle Ages","They're really Moorish" +"What does Rosa do after driving","Rosa Parks" +"Flat earthers have been quiet recently","They kind of fell off" +"Bought a terrific book about contradictions","I wouldn't recommend it" +"I watched a program on Herbert Hoover. It was the best dam program I've ever seen","Even better than the one on beavers" +"I asked my son if he wanted to Play Fartnite tonight","He said: Dad, it's called Fortnite I said No son, we're having lentils for dinner" +"What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup","Anyone can roast beef" +"My boss is 100% dad. Me: hey I'm going to be a bit late. I've been crawling on the highway and I'm nowhere near my exit still. Dadboss: well there's your problem","Try driving instead of crawling" +"What do you call a depressed vegetable","Despairagus" +"I've told several Dad jokes in my time, even though Im not a dad","I guess you could call me a faux pa" +"How do you wash clothes at the beach","With Tide" +"I tried to start a new charity called Wheels on. Meals","I guess you could say it didn't get any traction." +"I'm going to display my candy cane collection for our family Christmas party this year","After all, they're in mint condition" +"Karl. Marx is a historically famous philosopher, but no one mentions his sister","Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol" +"There were two science teachers in love","There was chemistry between them" +"What does a constipated zombie say","Bran, I want bran" +"Fiance told me. I'm on cake duty for the wedding. I told her that cake duty doesn't come till after","I eat the cake." +"Return of my Biology teacher's dad jokes Discussing biomes today in class: What is the best biome to play golf in","Taiga Woods" +"Slept like a baby last night. slept for two hours, cried for one","Slept for two more hours, cried for one" +"My wife constantly orders me around Today she told me to stop impersonating a flamingo","I had to put my foot down" +"A cop pulled me over and asked me, “Where were you at 5-6","” I replied Kindergarten" +"Job at Campbell's Soup My son got a job at Campbell's Soup","They no longer match 401k contributions, so I suggested he open a Broth IRA" +"Want to hear a joke about paper","Nevermind, it’s tearable" +"An apple a day A little boy had a crush on his teacher, but she was dating a doctor","So the boy brought his teacher an apple everyday" +"Breaking news: A red ship and a blue ship have collided in the Caribbean","apparently, the survivors are marooned" +"If a child refuses to sleep during nap time","Are the guilty of resisting a rest?" +"Have you ever been in MC Hammer's house","It's horrible, you can't touch anything" +"Understanding Disney Villains I really think Disney Villains are misunderstood. You have to respect how they pursue their passions. They usually have henchmen or “employees” so I’m guessing there’s a compensation system in place and they are managing a budget to fund all their evil campaigns. And what business model did they have to follow. Was there an Ursula before Ursula. I don’t think so","These villains are business visionaries and they deserve such respect" +"What sound does a witch's vehicle make","Broom" +"Today I found out there's a sect within Satanists that believes hell isnt fire and brimstone, but rather rime and ice","This is why they say Hail, Satan" +"What's another name for a jet ski","A boatercycle" +"Doing yoga with the fiancé. and I've done a bit of research so I was describing how to begin: I said, sit in a comfortable position, pay attention to breathing. Relax your calves, then your thighs, then your feet. She said, hold on, shouldn't we start with feet first then move up to calves, then thighs and so on. Why are you starting with calves","I said, we start with the calves because they're sacred in India" +"Reggie. Miller lost 30 pounds. Now he's","Miller light" +"Not a single one of them laughed I work at a pretty cool place. Everyone there is pretty upbeat and we like to have a good time. One of the girls was talking about something and said isn't this fun guys. I replied this is extremely mushrooms. Everyone was silent, so I pulled the huge grin and said fuungiiis . Every one of them groaned in unison","They are all my children now" +"I was electrocuted yesterday","That really Hertz" +"A bird with a colourful beak just pecked me and now I want my revenge","Toucan play at that game" +"My sister always prefers the stairs, but I always take the elevator","I guess we are raised differently" +"What's the difference between a battleship and Home Depot. One sinks ships","The other ships sinks" +"Do you want to hear a geology joke","It rocks" +"A friend of mine wanted to make a reuben sandwich but he couldn't find the right bread","You could say his plans went a-rye" +"I tried to catch some fog","I mist" +"I just had a philosophy class at the bottom of the ocean","It was deep" +"Two goldfish in a tank. Two goldfish in a tank","Once says to the other do you know how to drive this thing" +"I dislike most 70’s female solo artists because they appear vain","They are a bunch of pre Madonnas" +"If a child refuses to go to sleep Is he resisting a rest","No, he's avoiding a kid napping" +"Guy used to be in the army. Real good looking guy too. Blond hair, tall, blue eyes. But now tends to sick animals, helping to diagnose and treat them so they can get better","He's a veteran Aryan" +"What did the corn farmer say to his therapist","An ear full" +"What is an optimist's favorite condiment","Relish" +"What's the fastest way for Harry Potter to get down a hill. Walking","JK, rolling" +"Mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says, Hey we don’t allow mushrooms in here. ” The mushroom says, “Why not","I’m a fungi" +"Why won't cannibals eat redheads","They don't want gingervitis" +"Why was the photographer arrested","Indecent exposure" +"Young camper dadjoked counselor today Working at a kid's day camp on the first day a child walks up to see one of my fellow counselors wearing a medieval costume. (Theme of the camp is Castles and Kings) Camper: What's that you're wearing. Counselor: Well, it's my clothes. My knight clothes. Camper: Knight clothes","But it's daytime" +"It was so cold this morning","My my phone’s weather app froze." +"Never fart in the Apple store","There are no Windows" +"Don't mind my pet for eating your ants and termites without greeting you","He's a bit of an awkwaardvark." +"My dad's cat. A little context first: What's known as an apartment in the US is generally referred to as a flat in the UK. My dad lives in a flat and has a cat. Without a doubt any time anyone talks to my dad this exchange happens: **Person:** Do you like locally. **Dad:** I live in the flats near the river. Just me and my cat. **Person:** Oh, you have cat. **Dad:** Yes. She's called Pancake. **Person:** That's nice, but why did you name her Pancake. **Dad:** Because she's not a house cat. she's a flat cat","Despite the fact that he's proudly said this joke dozens, if not hundreds, of times, he still cracks up as he says it like it's the funniest joke ever invented" +"What's the best jacket when using the restroom","A windbreaker" +"More people have access to a mobile phone than a toilet","I think we really need to upgrade our plumbers" +"The lady at the drug store asked if I wanted the ball kind of deodorant","I said no, I want the kind for my underarms" +"Is this sub still active","There hasn’t been any posts all year" +"After I left my farm to join the army, I learned that my wife bought a new tractor to replace my labor","She wrote me a John Deere letter" +"Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c","Because you can't see in the dark" +"What do you call a joke at night. Dark","Humor" +"What kind of tea do monsters drink","Monstrositea" +"Being a cardiac surgeon","Would be a heart wrenching experience" +"I’m going to name my kid. Time, and then put them on a plane. I’ll get to see","Time really fly!" +"I saw a road sign the other day saying “watch for children”","Sounded like a fair trade to me" +"I was hooked on auctions after only going once","going twice…" +"Don't talk through a screen door","It'll strain your voice." +"Crane operator pulled this on me today. While on a roof 40 feet above the operator he shuts off the crane and says you know snarky,","I really look up to you" +"How important was the invention of the shovel","It was ground\-breaking" +"What did the sun say after the eclipse","Pleased to heat you again" +"Til that they only serve one size of drink in. North. Korea","The glorious leader" +"Three ropes are walking into a bar when they see a sign outside that says, We don't serve ropes. The first rope goes in and asks for a drink and the bartender says, We don't serve ropes. You'll have to leave. The second rope goes in and asks for a drink and the bartender says, We don't serve ropes. You'll have to leave. The third rope ties himself in a knot and undoes his top braid a bit and ruffles it up. He goes in and asks for a drink. The bartender asks, Say, aren't you a rope","He replies, I'm a frayed knot" +"Who makes barrels for Darth Vader","A Stormcooper" +"Did you hear about the termite who became a standup comedian","He brought the house down" +"Driving down the expressway, just saw a sign for a rest stop. Anybody need to use the bathroom","Speak now or forever hold your piss" +"I narrowly lost a race to a female catholic","I was second to nun" +"Steve Harvey decided to not use initials for his computing company","It was S" +"Did you know that the inventor of the urinal was only a child","He was a real wizz kid" +"What did the unimpressed chip say to the cheese & salsa","So" +"Why do birds hang out on telephone lines. So they can tweet. (I hit my family with this one today","Its probably been done before but it was so satisfying hearing everyone groan" +"What is thanos favourite app on phone","Snapchat" +"My friends learned about my butt fetish","Now I’m in therapy for crack addiction" +"Romantic interest at work left these for me to find aftee my shift. I think she's a keeper https://imgur","com/a/JBPDX" +"I no longer have kidneys","They're adultneys now" +"I have a top secret bread recipe","I'd tell you but, it's on a knead to dough basis" +"My wife served me soy-bacon for breakfast","It did not meat my expectations" +"Which country has the most irritating city","Vietnam, its very Hannoying" +"I made a belt out of watches","It’s a waist of time" +"I know puns are corny","but without them, I'm just a husk of a man" +"Justice is a dish best served cold","If it were served warm it would be justwater." +"I'm like the fabric version of. King. Midas. Everything","I touch becomes felt" +"I went to the grocery store and the 50-something clerk asked to see my ID After I handed him my passport: Are you a world traveller. I studied abroad. Oh","Yeah, a lot of em actually" +"Classic clothes shopping with dad. Me: Can you handle the cart again","Dad: I'd rather a pullover" +"My son just graduated My 11yo son just attended his first debating class yesterday. At one point, the teacher asked for volunteers to be chair. After the volunteer gets up my son raises his hand, points back to the chair the volunteer got up from and says: I think he may be better qualified than you. Dead silence","I'm so proud" +"What kind of coffee do the Hobbits drink","Frodo Cappuccino" +"A horse walks into a bar. the bartender looks at him and says Hey. why the long face. The horse looks back at him and solemnly says My uncle elmer died. The bartender replies I'm sorry for your loss. the horse sighs and says Yea","He really held the family together" +"Me: What's a six-letter word for pollen distributor. I have A-N-Blank-H-E-blank Mom: Anther Dad: *Really. * **That's** the anther","and much groaning was done that day" +"Dadjoked my sister (Sisterjoked. ) I was with my sister and 2 kids at Build-A-Bear Workshop and they have these Avengers themed bears. My oldest grabs one and shows my sister. > Sister: Yeah it's Captain America. > Me: Actually it's Captain A**bear**ica *My solo laughs echoed through the store while everyone else just stared at me, they must not have dad's :( so sad* Later that day as I was changing my youngest and she put her poopy butt all over my leg, thus covering my pants in poop. As I had just cleaned all my laundry I looked at my mom and sister and said * So do you guys have any jeans to wash or am I shit out of luck. * That joke actually got a couple laughs from my family. Mostly cause I got pooped on","(If these aren't considered dadjokes I'm sorry :( I'm not sure of the line between dadjoke and pun" +"Well, when is my dentist appointment","Two thirty" +"There was a murder. The detective suspected the artist first","Because he was sketchy" +"What happens when you slip a chicken a dollar","Chicken strips" +"Grizzlys are very ferocious animals","They kill their prey with their own bear hands" +"After years of holding out on me, my friend finally told me the secret ingredient in his cooking","It was about thyme" +"Mountains aren't just funny","They're hill areas." +"Why didn't Noah fish very often","He only had two worms" +"When you're really cold, just go to the corner of the room","It's 90 degrees there" +"Dad: Someone among us is an owl. Me: Who","Dad: *Narrows eyes suspiciously*" +"I tried to get a job making jams, jellies and preserves","but I found it to be too jarring" +"My dick was in the. Guinness. Book of. World. Records. Until","I got kicked out of the library" +"Anyone: I’m gunna run down to the convenient store and get something to drink","Dad: you should probably drive, running that far seems like a lot of unnecessary work" +"What do you call a pilot made of shovels","An Ace of Spades" +"What do you call a person who eats all the King crab legs at a buffet","Shellfish" +"Wanna hear something very corny","A field of corn" +"The World's Slowest Rollercoaster I filmed it and turned it into a [gif. ](http://imgur","com/gallery/pZKOvU4)" +"To whoever stole my coffee:","I hope it keeps you up at night." +"I caught my stepfather in the act last week. My stepfather and mother have been doing some remodeling in their first house to get it ready to put on the market, so they are fixing up some things, and I was giving them a hand. As we were working **we had the radio playing**. My mother notices a light switch on the wall in the bedroom that isn't working quite right. She says, Honey I think there's something wrong with the light switch. To which my stepfather replies, What's wrong with it. My mother says, It's making a weird noise. I think it's humming. Why is the light switch humming","My stepfather says, That's probably because it doesn't know the words" +"Studies show that 4 out of 5 men suffer from diarrhea at some point in their life","Why are 1 out of 5 men enjoying it" +"I had no idea how my wife melted all those pennies together","It was coin-fusing" +"IT dad joke For background, I'm an IT guy. My wife and I are heading home after our first ultrasound, and asks me what I though about being a dad. Well, it doesn't seem very well thought out. There's only one developer, it has a 40 week development cycle that can't be changed, and it goes straight into production with no beta testing","Then after launch, everyone is expected to support it" +"Little Johnny joke Johnny and susie are working in a factory, and Susie says “this is a nice day I don’t wanna work anymore” and little Johnny says “well maybe see if he will give you the rest of the day off” and then the boss comes in and Susie is hanging upside down on the chandelier saying “I’m a light bulb” and the boss says “maybe you should talk the rest of the day off. So Susie goes out the door and Johnny follows her and the boss asks “where do you think you’re going","” And Johnny replies “you expect me to work in the fucking dark" +"Why did the number 4 not get into the club","Because he’s two squared" +"I ran into this vegan girl who said she knew me. I had to tell her","I'd never met herbivore." +"A recent exchange with my wife She was telling me how her younger sister has a Bachelor's degree, and makes more money than she does with her Master's in Social Work. Her sister is a phone rep who sells colostomy bags and helps new patients learn to use them. My wife's theory was that her sister makes more for working in the city","To which I said Maybe she makes more because she has a shitty job" +"I was doing laundry and commented on how many pairs of pants my boyfriend has. He said I'm a man of many pants . To which I replied so is Pete(our dog)","My boyfriend just tells me not to talk to him" +"I tried to hook my sister,. Dorothy, up with my co-worker who’s also named. Dorothy. But. I couldn’t connect the","Dots" +"Have you ever tried to eat a clock","It's very time consuming" +"A man attacked me with cheese, cream, and milk","How dairy" +"In exchange for peace, the US is offering North Korea a shipment of transparent rockets","So that Kim Jong Un can still claim to have new clear weapons" +"When I was young I used to feel like a man trapped in a women’s body","Then I was born" +"How to call someone both pretty and ugly. Hey","You're pretty ugly" +"To all the people waiting to find out how to improve your posture","Sit tight" +"Dad: I can’t believe you bought me a new house. Son: You’re welcome. I hope you enjoy it. Dad: From now on, I will","start living in the present" +"How much is Donald Trump's life insurance payout","One pence" +"What was Beethoven doing in his grave","He was de-composing" +"My GP (general practitioner) is Dr. Sippe","His wife must be Mississippi" +"Velcro","What a rip off" +"Every time my grandparents come over. As they're leaving Me: Bye","Grandpa: Sell, you'll make more money" +"I am a dad after today. I asked my buddy at work to guess how many animal crackers were in a jar that I had. He looks at the weight of the jar and asked, how much do graham crackers weigh. Me, I don't know. Uh, a gram","" +"If you have more than one cellphone,","You're a multicellular organism." +"my dad called me in the middle of class to tell me this joke He was confused at what a habenero was, so he asked his Mexican friend who told him, Of course man I can tell you. My dad asked to use it in a sentence. His friend said, Alright, I wanted to go bow hunting but I didn't habanero. I thought someone had died. Edit: Spelled habanero wrong. Whoops. Also, wow this is big","I did not expect this much attention" +"I asked my wife whether I should get another tattoo, and she said that if I do, I should get it in a place that doesn’t matter","So I’m planning to get one in Oklahoma" +"Why do you smear peanut butter on the road","To go with the traffic jam" +"What do you call a smart dinosaur","A thesaurus" +"Me and my roommate go to school for woodworking and are looking forward to the lathe next semester","I told him I can't wait to start learning how to turn:, I then turned 90° to my left and exclaimed holy crap I'm getting the hang of it already" +"I read a Braille quote earlier It was touching","Will be handy to know" +"I put a couple dollars in your shoes. Why. You said you wanted cashews","You're nuts" +"The best fishing jokes","Start with a good hook." +"A scientist stuck a fork into an electrical outlet","His discovery was shocking" +"I slept like a log last night. And","I woke up in the fireplace" +"Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of boats","It's because if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat" +"Every single time. Me: Are you going to get a haircut","Grandpa: No, I'm going to get them all cut" +"I dated a communist once. I had no idea. She seemed sweet","But it did NOT end well Honestly I should have noticed all the red flags" +"I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him","Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog" +"What do you call a confused vampire","A transpire" +"Did you hear about the two houses across the neighborhood from each other that fell in love","It was a lawn distance relationship" +"Spending lots of time with my dad cleaning up around my new farm house. We've been burning a lot of junk wood and had a huge pile of ashes. (Works better when you imagine it spoken out loud) Me: What am I supposed to do with all these ashes. Dad: Use them to catch a bear. Me: what. Dad: Well, you dig a big hole and put all the ashes in the bottom. Then you line the hole with peas. When the bear reaches for the peas, you kick him in the ash hole","I told him his dad jokes are getting better" +"I was absolutely livid at my doctor. He said I had a brain tumour that wasn’t malignant, whatever the hell that meant","I was visibly panicking, but I lost it when he said it’s “All in your head" +"I tried to tell a joke on the toilet","It was pretty crappy" +"What did Luke say to Han and Leia when they split up","May divorce be with you" +"Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle","Because his wife has passed away" +"What did the vampire say to the victim","Don't be O-, B+" +"NSFW Oral sex in the morning","I call that a Head Start" +"Hey, Seattle, wanna win the Super Bowl. No, thanks","We'll pass" +"I dadjoked my teacher yesterday We were going over vocabulary for the story we will be reading, and one of the words was tangible. So the teacher starts asking us about things that are tangible, stuff we can touch. Then she asks us about things that are not tangible, things we can't touch. This is when I pipe up and say, MC Hammer","This was soon followed by an eruption of laughter from the class, and a (smiling) groan from the teacher" +"My dad strikes again in the car. We were driving up to go hiking in the forest and it was getting cold. Me: Why aren't you wearing pants its going to be cold","Dad: I am wearing pants they just happen to be really short" +"Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me","I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress" +"For my wife's birthday,. I bought her some beads for her abacus","Its the little things that count" +"My Mum: Has it rained much today. My Dad: Well not as much as Queen Elizabeth the Second","I had to leave the house after this one" +"My friend couldn't afford his water bill. So","I sent him a get well soon card." +"Why did the coffee file a police report","It got mugged" +"What do you call a rhino who has none of the answers","An I'll-be-damned-if-ino" +"French fries weren’t made in France","They were made in Greece" +"My dad got my ma earlier. Ma: cake must of got a bit squashed walking around town earlier. Dad: What's a cake doing walking around town","He then proceeded to walk away laughing to himself while we all sighed" +"Building a PC https://i. imgur. com/bsgLA9w","gif" +"I failed a health and safety course yesterday. One of the questions was ‘in the event of a fire, what steps would you take","’ ‘Large ones’ was apparently the wrong answer" +"What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast","a synonym-bun" +"Got tag teamed by my bosses At my 3 month review at work my bosses were mostly asking me how I liked the job, etc. Then I asked how they were finding me. Boss 1: Oh you know, pretty easily. Boss 2: Yeah, you're always at your desk","We all had a good chuckle" +"Daughter: It's really cold in here. Dad: Try standing in the corner","It's always 90 degrees" +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon","Great food, but it has no atmosphere" +"Sideshow. Bob couldn’t get a job at. Moe’s. Tavern. Because of his previous failures at","Bart-ending." +"I tried telling a joke about maize to my friend earlier today","But I decided not to, because it was too corny" +"The weather man said to set my clock back an hour before I go to bed. Why do I have to do it an hour before I go to bed","(My Dad actually just said this" +"WARNING: There is an email going around offering processed pork, Gelatin and salt in a can","If you get this email DO NOT OPEN It’s spam" +"What did the quarter say to the penny","You don't make much cents" +"[REQUEST] I'm looking for the best comeback to the old schoolyard joke, Do you like seeeeee food. While smacking and showing off the half chewed mouthful of lunchable they'd just choked down. And I know most of you here can do better than my, While stiff arming their face, I don't wanna seeeeee yo food. Do you get it. Do ya, cause it's about turning the joke back. You get it right","Anyway, help a guy increase his dadjoke street cred with his kiddo and his lunchroom hecklers" +"I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby. He slapped my hand away","Turns out he wasn't born yesterday" +"My girlfriend is flatulent because she had more milk, cheese and ice cream than usual this weekend","You could say she is having trouble with her dairy air" +"My gf says to me, I think I lost some weight I told her to look behind her","And that's when the fight started" +"What shoes do artists wear","Sketchers" +"What rock group has 4 men that can’t sing","Mount Rushmore" +"Too much of a stretch. http://imgur","com/xP1b2t1" +"My grandfather told me this before he kicked the bucket","Check out how far I can kick this bucket" +"I walked into a pet shop. I said, Have you got any bird cages for my son. He said, What sort were you thinking","I said, I don't care, as long as he can't get out" +"My wife and. I don't want kids","So if anyone does, we can drop them off tomorrow." +"How do you color a talking tree","Dialogue" +"A donut, cupcake, and a ice cream cone crossed the road","The streets were oddly desserted that night" +"Closed Vacuum store My wife and I drove by a vacuum store that had closed permanently the other day. I said do you know why that store closed","Because their vacuum's sucked her groans were music to my ears" +"I calculate sales for a small business. We finished today with a nice round number","$0" +"I don't understand why record stores failed. they had record sales every year","Creds: @FortWorth_SEC" +"Two fish are in a tank","One turns to the other and says, You drive, and I'll man the guns" +"A cat and a rooster walk into a bar Bartender: Hey","This is a family friendly bar" +"Winterclassic, and a dadjoke. My grandfather walks up to me and says I can predict the score of the game before they ever start. Suspicious, I challenge him. In all his dadlike wisdom, I lose the challenge in seconds flat","the score is zero to zero" +"How do you intrigue someone","I'll tell you tomorrow" +"I can’t believe. I failed my drug test today. Looks like","I’ll never be a pharmacist" +"When does a doctor become frustrated","When they run out of patients" +"I had to take dad shopping for pants","When asked how they fit he replied: like a cheaply made castle, no ballroom" +"I like to make cakes shaped like vehicles","Most of them have been delicious, but one was a little plane" +"In honour of mother's day,. I'm going to tell yo mama jokes","Because she's a sweet lady with a great sense of humour." +"What do you call a fish in a tie","Sofishticated" +"Did you know that you can't order fountain drinks larger than 8 ounces in St. Paul. It's mini soda law. Bonus joke: where are the trees in Minnesota","Between da twos and da fours" +"You knead this http://imgur","com/CqCBwHn" +"Here comes the tunnel. Had the 3 kids in the back of the car while we were on the freeway in the carpool lane. As we entered a tunnel I started screaming and as we exited the tunnel I stopped. The kids all stared at me and I very calmly explained that I had carpool tunnel syndrome","Lots of rolling eyes after that" +"Simba was walking slow. So. I told him to","Mufasa" +"Why did the Easter Egg hide","He was a little chicken" +"I dadjoked my brother so good yesterday So my brother was venting to me about this girl he was in a relationship with but is no longer with her. Brother: . I'm over her. Me: Well are you taller than her. Brother: Yeah. Me: Then of course you're over her","I then proceed to crack up while he takes a deep breath" +"On the subject of Egypt Dad: Did you hear the Egyptians recently discovered another buried Pharaoh. Me: Whoa really. Dad: Yeah. He was found covered in chocolate and wrapped in foil","They believe he was Pharaoh Rocher" +"I have a lot of loans","Good thing I don't have any interest in them" +"Dad on anesthesia. So my dad always cracks the ultimate dad jokes. I always forget to post them, but here's a pretty good gem he dropped earlier. We were sitting in the recovery room at the hospital after Dad got out of hernia surgery when the nurse walks in. To confirm his identity she asks him to state his first and last name and date of birth. Dad says You need a name. I already knew what was coming, of course the nurse says yes and Dad replies: Well what do you want to be called. My wife, my mother and I all facepalmed and Dad let out a huge groan of pain and laughter","It was great" +"My Grandpa On Gift Giving We were talking about gift giving practices in America and my grandpa said that it's rude to give people a pant as a gift","We all looked at him strangely until he said you have to give them a pair" +"I asked my son if he liked my new haircut. He said “meh maybe it will grow on me “","I said “actually it will grow on me”" +"My dad told me this joke about 10 years ago","“I’m going down to the shops, I’ll be 5 minutes" +"Why is it difficult to stop arguing over what makes something a Christmas movie","Because, old habits Die Hard" +"I’m horrified to admit I don’t have any corny jokes today","If you have one though, I’m all ears" +"I saw a midget escaping jail the other day","I thought to myself, that’s a little condescending" +"I started a ship building business in my attic","Sails are going through the roof!" +"Dad joked my nurse today Nurse: Your blood pressure is great. It's text book perfect. Me: Thanks. Nurse: It must not be easy being perfect. Me: I would say there is a lot of pressure, but it seems that is there just the right amount","(Sighs)" +"What do you call a fish made of 2 sodium atoms","A 2Na" +"I bought a coffee table but I might send it back","It doesn't taste anything like coffee" +"Went to the grocery today and the cashier asks me if I want paper or plastic I said either one","I’m bisacktual" +"I heard the creator of autocorrect died. I didn’t even know he was","I’ll" +"Wife: i have good and bad news, the good news is that i am pregnant. Me: hi pregnant, am dad","Wife: no you are not" +"My two boys just got out of Yale","I'm so proud of yonnie and yimmie" +"My wife told me I need to stop acting like I’m a flamingo","So I had to put my foot down" +"'Dad, are we pyromaniacs","' 'Yes, we arson" +"A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket","and thinks, Some asshole has my pen" +"What did the philosophical electrician say","Wire we here" +"Where did the two bananas finally settle their dispute","At the Court of A-peels" +"I was caught by a gang of mimes","They performed unspeakable acts on me" +"I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture","But when I got home, the tables were turned" +"I fear the day when the last dad joke will be said","Luckily said probably won't become a joke any time soon" +"My girlfriend and I went to a hookah bar. My girlfriend has been putting a lot of work into her current masters program and is under a lot of stress. We decided it would be a good idea to get out of the house but weren't sure where we would go. The inner dad inside me pulled out this line, Why don't we go to the new hookah bar to blow off some steam. I was very proud and decided to share with you folks","I will now continue to reiterate this story to everyone I see today" +"I went to a fireworks store yesterday looking for a deal","I was blown away" +"MY 1st legitimate dad joke","The rest were illegitimate because I wasn't a father to them" +"Traveling with my dad Dad: Can you check where we are. Me: We just entered Douglas County","Dad: What happened to all the Dougs" +"Did you hear about the farmer who planted crops in a boat","It sprung a leek" +"I usually don't tell dad jokes. but when I do, it has already been posted on this sub",":(" +"Someone found a long lost Tolkien book about introverted hobbits","It’s called Shyer Folk" +"How was the Roman Empire cut in half","With a pair of Caesars" +"Why is dark spelled with a K and not a C","Because you can’t see in the dark" +"I work in technical support and this one didn't go down well a customer I introduce myself and collect the customers information then ask what the problem is. He just says My tablet is completely frozen so I reply Well we best defrost it then","He was extremely hostile after that" +"I pilot Dad: did you know I pilot. Me: . dad, you don't fly. Dad: no, your brother chops the wood and I pile it","(Pilot)" +"Why did the broken lizard take viagra","He had reptile dysfunction" +"Did you hear about the dyslexic Zombie","He only eats Brians" +"Heard this from my friend's dad the other day He was just sitting there watching tv and i walked in and he looks at me and he says. hey. where does the general (pauses to laugh). where does the general keep his armies. me: what","his dad: HIS SLEEVIES (dies laughing)" +"What is Russias most secretive insect","Cagey Bee" +"Under-age Weasel walks into a bar. orders a drink. So an under-age weasel waltzes into the local bar one fine Friday. He asks the bartender, HEY. Whatcha got to drink here. Bartender checks his ID, replies with, Well sir, since you're not quite old enough, here are your options: We got tap water, seltzer water, apple juice, orange juice, milk, coffee, tea, and pop. POP","Goes the Weasel" +"Things you cant buy A friend told me she wanted to buy tulips. I told her I didn't understand why she wanted to buy something she was born with. She looked at me blank faced","and walked away" +"My math teacher started telling a story in the middle of teaching us about trig functions","It was a pretty funny tangent, though" +"How did the farmer find his daughter","He tractor" +"I overdosed on heroine. I watched Wonder","Woman five times in a row" +"My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction","So I packed up my stuff and right" +"Most folks, when they laugh: HeHeHe","Feminists: SheSheShe" +"Pork factories keep calling me and I keep hanging up on them","Nothing but spam" +"Why didn’t. Han. Solo like his meal. Because it was","Chewy" +"Why did the hunter cut off the grizzly bear's arms. Because according to the 2nd amendment","the hunter has the right to bear arms" +"I can cut a piece of wood just by staring at it","It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes" +"I would tell you a story about my savings account","But it's not really interesting." +"Son: “Dad, are we pyromaniacs","” “Yes, we arson" +"What's the difference between a cup of yogurt and the USA. The yogurt develops culture after 200 years. 2","The yogurt is also fat-free" +"Coworker: Watch out she's slapping people with cheddar cheese","Me: Be careful, cheddar can be sharp" +"No one knows history anymore","It's a thing of the past" +"Got my wife today","She came in the mail" +"Got my friends while browsing movies Me and two friends are browsing the comedy section for a movie to watch. Friend 1: What's that movie, the one with the cow. Friend 2 clicks on it Friend 2: It's apparently a documentary Friend 1: Why is there a documentary about cows here","Me: It's a **cow**medy Friend 1 & 2 groans" +"How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb","Just one, he holds the bulb up and the world revolves around him" +"How do you find Will Smith in the snow","Just look for the fresh prints" +"I saw a turtle one day","I wonder what the shell happened to it" +"My AP Statistics Teacher is Clearly a Dad Teacher: “What will next week’s test be on. ” Class: “Confidence intervals and…. ” Teacher: “No, it’ll be on paper. ” Class: “Ugh…” Teacher: “And how long will it be. ” Class: “Umm, like, ten questions. ” Teacher: “No, 8. 5 by 11 inches","” Class: “Goddamnit" +"Some people think it's funny when your nose is wet and runny","But it's snot" +"My wife said nothing rhymes with orange","I said no it doesn’t" +"Australians dont have sex","They mate" +"Did you hear about the homeless man that ran for MP","He wanted change" +"Did you hear about the pilot that quit his job","Yeah, he said it was just getting to be a *plane in the ass" +"I was noticeably upset after he accidentally jammed up my favorite ball-point pen Don't worry, I'll make this write","He said" +"Tell me what you know about potassium","K" +"What do you call a dog that only eats ants","An Aardbark" +"The past and the present walk into a bar","It was pretty tense" +"My coffee maker said some really horrible things about me while it was brewing my coffee","That’s the last time I have a dark roast" +"My friend works at a zoo circumcising elephants","The pay is bad but the tips are huge" +"Have you heard about guy whose whole left side was cut off","He is all right now" +"What did earth say to the other planets","Wow, you guys have no life" +"Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff","Ba-dum-tshhh" +"Why did the scarecrow win an award","Because he was outstanding in his field" +"Prior to the invention of the fork, what were they using beforehand","Exactly" +"Reddit doesn't like fence repair jokes","They're always reposts." +"Found out I was color blind the other day","That one came right out of the orange" +"I have trouble opening doors","I just can’t handle them" +"I've just watched a documentary on marijuana","I think all documentaries should be watched this way" +"What do you call a zombie’s boner","A reserection" +"Whatever the next four years brings us Americans","By the next election year, we can all say that hindsight's 2020" +"There was an explosion at the cheese factory today. De Bree was everywhere","My son told me that one today" +"My 3yr old daughter got my wife sooo good *while holding a block of cheddar like a camera* Hey mom. Say cheese","*She then flashed her silly grin*" +"Its been 30 years","So when are my kidneys going to turn into adultneys" +"I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it. It's true,","I saw it with my own eyes." +"Do you know what happened at the last Sam smith concert","Sam Sung" +"Did you know that Townsend University used to be called 999 University","They decided to round up to a Towsend" +"Why do rabbits love to drink IPA's","Because they're so Hoppy" +"My wife wants a divorce for being too un. American","I saw that coming a kilometer away" +"Cop 1: Did the suspect have a birthmark","Mark: He’s alive, so I assume he had a birth, yes" +"I use to be addicted to the hokey pokey. But then","I turned my self around" +"Just got home from vacation Once we got home, I told my fiance that the last two countries we went through made us honorary citizens. She looked at me with confusion as we drove the whole way and never left the country. I smiled as I told her while we were on the way we were Russian, and once we got home we were Finnish. She hit me","I just laughed" +"Have you heard about the pregnant bed bug","She's going to have her baby in the spring" +"My son said he was cold earlier so I told him to stand in the corner","When he asked why, I said it's because the corner is 90°" +"Why can't you tweet about Game of Thrones","Because it has more than 140 characters" +"Never suggest the time 2:30 to my dad. Oh you mean the time of the Chinese dentist. Mildly racist and painful","Thanks dad" +"I’m so excited that my wife and I are finally visiting San Francisco to see the Golden Gate in person. She asked me, “What are you going to do when we see it","” Me: We’ll cross that bridge when we get there" +"Despicable Me toys for sale. Huge discounts","Just head over to Gru Pawn" +"I visited a barber shop yesterday, was really amazed","They were using cutting edge technology" +"You know what really grinds my gears","Driving in first gear" +"A fortune teller told me my firstborn would become a priest","It was preordained." +"What’s the worlds longest sentence","Life imprisonment" +"What do cats eat when they're happy","Purridge" +"I'm not that much of a meat-person What are you made of then","Carrots" +"I recently bought the perfect addition for my Batman themed bathroom","A bottle of Conditioner Gordon" +"Aaaaand Dad Joke of the year award goes to. http://imgur","com/a/NLp80" +"You know. I hate engineer students sometimes. For example","I hate it when engineer students call themself engineers like you don't hear med students calling themself doctors or art students calling themself unemployed." +"I got these shoes from a drug dealer the other day,. I don't know what he laced them with, but","I've been tripping ever since!" +"My friend is a pretty unsuccessful farmer. But he tries a lot to promote his business on social media by providing a new profile picture every 3 months. Unfortunately the picture always seems to have his head or side chopped off a bit","Another season, another bad crop" +"What does the baker say when things are looking down","Don't worry, things will get batter (From my 8 year old tonight)" +"Got the wife and myself after I realized what I said. Wife: Taste this chocolate, it is better than sex","Me: You probably have terrible sex" +"What's brown and sticky","A stick" +"Literally happened two minutes ago while watching a documentary on monarchy in the UK Dad, do we have a coat of arms. Well, I have a coat *with* arms","*eye roll*" +"I finally passed my writing skills test","Good writtens" +"Sauron is a great name","It has a nice ring to it" +"Dad-joked the girlfriend tonight As we're driving to a friend's party. Her: I'll never own another vehicle without heated leather seats. Me: Yeah, I'm warming up to the idea. Her: . ugh","The disgust when she got it made it so much better" +"Dad joked my class. We were going over review. The teacher asked what two clauses there are. Santa and Mrs clause","I said I was the only one who laughed" +"I recently started a new job in a cafe where I have to prepare all the fillings for cheese toasties","It’s grate" +"I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads","I got shafted" +"They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets to invisibility","If only they could see me now" +"Good one from my uncle tonight Playing poker at the family Christmas gathering. My brother has two Jacks showing, gets beat by three tens; Uncle: Wow (nephew), you were really close to winning that hand. My Brother: How so. Uncle: You're a jack off","" +"My wife hated the giblets I cooked","She said it was offal" +"I don't know very many good dad jokes, but take my advice: avoid 9/11 jokes","They always crash and burn, and they're just plane wrong to begin with" +"What is the name of Daniel Craig's last movie","Probably, Bond Voyage" +"Did you hear about the 2 men that stole a Calendar","They both got 6 months" +"Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet Me: You just have to go to settings. Dad: This is just making me upsettings. On the spot no hesitation","Gotta love him" +"What did the statistician say when he did a magic trick","Da ta" +"Did you hear about the car made out of a tree. It has the biggest trunk I've ever seen. ( http://inhabitat","com/the-unusual-cedar-rocket-is-the-fastest-all-electric-log-car-in-the-world/ )" +"I got hit by a can of coke earlier","It didn't hurt though as it was a soft drink" +"Doctorates in Chemistry lead to higher correlation with dad jokes. My 2 year old son implored my father in law to join him under the table while the rest of us finished our meal. My wife said, wow, it isn't every day you see a chemistry PhD crawling around under the table","To which he responded chemists have been known to periodically go under the table" +"My dad's name is Paul. Whenever anyone says I'm appalled. around him, he says No, I'm a Paul, you're a [insert name here]. e. Kim: I'm appalled. Paul: No, I'm a Paul","You're a Kim" +"According to lead researchers","Lead is a heavy metal with an atomic number of 82" +"If Mexico uses the Metric system","then why do they call it an Enchilada" +"What is Forrest Gump's wifi password","1Forrest1 Credit to @dadtellsjokes on Twitter" +"I was watching Jurassic park the other day","and I thought to myself, Not only does my son have a stupid name, but he's also a terrible driver" +"Eating breakfast with my girlfriend this morning","Her: this should be enough butter for your bagel Me: that's debageble She didn't think it was as funny as I did" +"SMBC on dad jokes I thought you might like it: http://www. smbc-comics. com/","id=3473" +"What do you call a potato that gets the gals","A spud" +"What do you call a man with no shins","Tony" +"A limbo dancer walks into a bar","Disqualified" +"While ordering butter chicken at a local restaurant, I asked if they had any pita","they had Nhan" +"V E G A N D A D A girl came up to me and said she recognized me from a vegetarian restaurant. I was a bit confused","I'd never seen herbivore" +"What's the difference between Kenya and Kanye","Just a couple of vowel movements" +"A small rodent lives in a apartment next to my computer keyboard","It’s his mouse pad" +"I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants… But he’s not buying it","In fact, he’s still making fun of me" +"My son says I should learn American Sign Language","He says it's real handy" +"I got stuck in traffic in downtown today","It was a pretty city situation" +"Let me tell you a joke about my. Alzheimer's","Nah, forget it" +"What are the two steps to marrying a country girl. First; a tractor","Next; fertilizer" +"What did Buddha say to the hot dog vendor","Make me one with everything" +"What the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants","One is a crusty bus station and one is a busty crustacean" +"The reason why. I don't trust the stairs","They're always up to something" +"I once knew a bald man who had tattoos of rabbits on his scalp","He must have thought that they were hares" +"What does a clock do when it’s hungry","It goes back for seconds" +"Why was Jesus not born in America","Because God couldn't find 3 wise men and a Virgin" +"I can't find any evidence of this pun after some searches. (OC. ) Me- I meet an interesting person the other day Her- Oh, ok. Me- Turns out he runs a school Her- Not too interesting so far. Me- But it's a school for protons, neutrons and electrons Her- umm, sorry, what. Me- Yeah, but it's the Principal of the matter, you see","*eyeroll intensifies*" +"Got my friend just now. She and I were talking about how a certain flavor of Combos she likes is only in one store in her area: Her: I have a hard enough time finding the sweet and salty caramel one. I have to go to a specific LOWE'S. a Lowe's. C'mon. Me: So. when it comes to Combos, your area certainly is Lowe in stock. Her:","omg you didn't" +"Laptop ram is always so difficult to find","No matter how much light I use its always sodimm" +"Dogs can’t read an X-ray or an MRI","But catscan" +"What’s a redditor’s favorite food","Copypasta" +"Was talking to my sister about the show Castle Me: What happened on the last episode of Castle. Her: I don't remember, hmmm Dad: The moat broke Us: What","Ohhh" +"What do you call Russian French fries w gravy and cheese curds","Vladimir Poutine" +"My brother is becoming more like my dad everyday My brother: Hey wanna hear a joke. Me: Sure","Brother: A joke My dad used to be notorious for those kind of jokes" +"I wanted to name my newborn after my. Grandpa. But. My wife wasn't to thrilled on naming him","Grandpa" +"Just a friendly little reminder. That “gråtrunka” is a","Swedish word that means to cry while masterbating -Now ain’t that a real tear jerker" +"What do you call a horse who lives across the street from you","A neigh-bor" +"We were at a College Football tailgate. and my friend is throwing a bag of ice in the ground. My other friend mom comes up and asks what is he doing and I told her he was breaking the ice and I said there was a much simpler way. Confused she said how","I replied Hi my names Ryan" +"I am speechless so","I am writing this instead" +"My grandfather had to be planning this for at least a week We were visiting my grandparents for my grandma's birthday, and for 5 days he would walk around with headphones, the kind that go in your ears, around him. I finally asked him in front of everyone why are you carrying your headphones with you all the time. they're my buds","he, of course, put on his dad laugh while everyone groaned and chuckled" +"My dad was reading a label at breakfast We were at breakfast, when my dad wanted to refill his OJ, and suddenly he yelled out: * Hey, you. Pay some attention. * Everyone at the table was somewhat confused. With a stern face, he pointed at the label on the OJ. ^^^it ^^^was ^^^unconcentrated","*okay dad*" +"My husband has dry skin. His nose was peeling, and I told him he needed to use a moisturizer","No, I need moist-your-noser, my eyes are fine" +"I thought about making a time travel joke","You guys didn't like it" +"Goldeneye dadjoke The family was playing Goldeneye, and my 11 year-old son was destroying us. My wife yells you're not allowed to be Oddjob anymore. Change your profile","My son turns to show us the other side of his face: Is this better" +"A man storms into a crowded bar with a loaded handgun. Enraged, he raises the pistol into the air and shouts, which one of you bastards had sex with my wife. The bar falls silent","After what seems like an eternity, a man in the back replies: You don't have enough bullets" +"Why wasn't Moses allowed in the non-denominational soup kitchen","It was a not-for-prophet organization" +"When it comes to board games about buying real estate,","Hasbro has a monopoly." +"My wife said I've been short around her lately","It must be the new heels she's been wearing" +"If you witness a crime in an Apple store","Does that make you an iWitness" +"What do you give an elephant with diarrhea","Plenty of Room" +"I used to know a French guy who carried snails in his pants. he called them escargot shorts","I almost killed my GF with this one" +"My wife just dadjoked me so hard I'm still mad about it My wife is really absentminded, so I'm constantly giving her crap about stuff being in places that doesn't make any sense (i. food in medicine cabinet, etc. Today she asked me to peel potatoes, so I asked her where the potatoes were. She replies on the couch, and I start making a joke about how I had never expected to hear that potatoes were on the couch, to which she replies THEY'RE COUCH POTATOES. My forehead still hurts from smacking it. I'm still mad that I didn't come up with it first","I hereby forfeit my dad card" +"Coworker was talking about a keyboard with an extra backspace button. I said, sounds like a *key* feature to me","First post to this sub because I always forget to post, plus this one was genuinely not intended" +"Ironing. Shirts. When. I don't have time to iron a shirt,","I just steel one." +"Girlfriend executes perfectly. While I was reading Game of Thrones, I stopped and closed the book and said to my girlfriend That's one way of punishing someone. Chain them up and tie you to a horse. Keep up and you're fine. Don't keep up and you're gonna hurt","She replies (in her best southern draw) *And they said there was no dragn in it*" +"I saw my friend standing outside in the rain, smoking a joint. I said, “This is fine","As long as you don’t in hail" +"What did the Indian father call his premature newborn","Beta" +"Where does a dad keep all his jokes","The dadabase" +"What do you call an arrogant criminal going down the stairs","A condescending con descending" +"Why does the Swedish Navy have barcodes on their ships. So when they return to port they can Scandinavian",":D" +"When. I was younger. I wanted to be the national limbo champion. I can see now","I set the bar too low for myself." +"What did the wall say to the other wall","Meet you in the corner" +"Why don't Bluetooth devices swim. They want to sync","(My dad happily created a group text to send this joke to my whole family today" +"I tried arranging a date with a girl at the gym","It didn't work out" +"What did the Buddhist say to the man at the pizza shop","Make me one with everything" +"Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage","To the dump To the dump To the dump dump dump" +"Took the family to a restaurant last night and told the worker that. I'd really like to try the. Wookie steak… …but that. I heard it was a little","Chewy…" +"I'm not rich. Because","I'm dad." +"How to walk. Step 1: step 1. Step 2: step 2","Step 3: step 3" +"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back","A stick" +"I love listening to 90's rock on my Dr. Dre headphones","It really Beats the Alternative" +"What did the comet say to the planet. Care if I crash here","Got my wife with that one last night" +"I took a picture of my coffee cup with my new. SLR camera","It made a great mug shot." +"Ham Sandwich walks into a bar","Strolls up to the bartender and says 'Pint of lager please mate' Bartender looks the Ham Sandwich up and down and says 'Sorry mate, we don't serve food here'" +"How do you trap a drum kit","Use a snare" +"Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac","He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog" +"If you get cold, just stand in a corner","They're usually about 90 degrees" +"My dad sent me this picture said he could not stop laughing [I thought the meme marking at the bottom made it even more corny](http://imgur","com/TirdciZ)" +"Levi's just recalled 200,000 pairs of pants because they had problems with the zippers","They were dropping like flies" +"She just rolled her eyes and walked away. Wife: Your daughter somehow removed one of her socks while she was wrapped up in her sleep sack last night. Me: Really","I wonder how she pulled that off" +"Why did the accountant dump his girlfriend","He lost interest" +"Why can't rodents be succesful criminals","Cause someone always rats them out" +"Your clothes can help you with your problems","They’ve got you covered." +"Doctor: What is your zodiac sign","Patient: Cancer Doctor: well THATS a coincidence" +"[Not Joke] Petition to change upvotes and downvotes to upwards and downwards facing spatulas. Idea behind each: Upvote = burger flip motion for burgers flipped, hence my 1k karma / burgers flipped Downvote = Drop your spatula, that was an actual bad joke, kinda like this post","And always remember, here’s one in Spanish: Uno" +"I need a hole dug","Is your name Doug" +"My dad got my mom and I during Oprah's talk show This happened years ago when Eat, Pray, Love was coming out in theaters. So my mom is watching Oprah and she's interviewing these 3 fairly fat women, almost to the point of obese. My dad walks through the room and asks my mom, Oh, are those the producers of 'Eat, Pray, Love . My mom said no","He came back with, So then they're the producers of Eat, Eat, Eat" +"What do you call the bad parts of. Italy. The","Spaghetto" +"Wanna hear a cat joke","Naw, I’m just kitten" +"I forgot that I had stashed a small rounded bread from dinner in my back pocket when I sat down at the roulette table. I immediately started winning","I was on a roll" +"I love telling dad jokes","Sometimes he even laughs" +"I can't make it up this hill, but","Genghis can." +"John the Baptist John the Baptist of Biblical fame used to walk through the desert in his bare feet. This left his feet tough, which is understandable- the hot sand and rough terrain would leave anyone's feet tough. He was known to receive signs from God and occasionally perform mystical feats. He subsisted on a diet of locusts and honey. Without access to dental hygiene at the time, this left him with somewhat bad breath. It also left him frail, as the diet wasn't varied and would have required an immense intake of food to be remotely sustained","I guess that you could say that he was a super-callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis" +"My friend and I simultaneously dad joked my girlfriend. We were eating at a pizza place and there were several size options and the options for the pizza sizes were 10 , 20 , and 26 . My girlfriend wanting to know how many people a certain pizza size would feed and so she asks, How big is a 10 pizza","To which my friend and I in unison answer, About 10 inches" +"A sheep, a drum and a snake were thrown off a cliff","Ba-dum-tss" +"Confucius say: He who fall asleep with itchy bum, wake up with stinky finger. Couldn't decide whether to post here or /r/nostalgia","I fell asleep reminiscing about this gem last night" +"I asked my dad if he wanted to play wii golf","He said it sounds like a very small game" +"My wife made a PB&J protein shake and asked what I thought. I suggested she add regular kitchen spices","Then she could have peanut butter jelly thyme" +"Got work started off right this morning So my name is Lance and this morning one of my coworkers (Bob) pinged me. Bob: Is your legal name Lancelot. Just wondering because apparently there's a guy named Lance Stevenson in the office but in the intranet phonebook he's Lancelot Stevenson Me: Shhh. I used to go by Lancelot. Now I'm just called Lance a lot","Bob: *groan*" +"Do you know why chicken coops only have 2 doors and not 4","Then it would be a chicken sedan" +"If I had to rank you from 1 to 10 on your ability to pee","I would say urinate" +"We were discussing where to eat and I said. Chipotle doesn't have ground beef","Cousin: Does that mean they have air beef" +"“Dad, the car manual says we should not turn up the volume to full","” Dad: That’s sound advice" +"Her: You’re such a liar. You said you have between 10 and 15 million dollars. Him: I didn’t lie","I have 25 bucks" +"Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off","He's all right now" +"My dad called and asked if. I was sitting down. I said. Yes. He said","Good it’s more comfortable" +"A new student transferred into my class today. He didn't speak English and the note he gave me said his name was Jkmn","Since we didn't know how to pronounce his name, we just called him Noel" +"How do billboards talk","They use sign language" +"When does an English couple take a break","2:40" +"Son, you should never share important secrets on a farm","The corn has ears and the potatoes have eyes" +"Reverse your diurnal/nocturnal time frames","Have a night's day" +"What type of magazine do cows read","Cattlelogs" +"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy","I don't know, and I don't care" +"Overheard at a restaurant last night. Waitress is telling them something about cheese that isn't available. Older dude: Do you know what you call cheese that isn't yours. Waitress: What. Older dude: Nacho cheese","Really had to try my best not to burst out in laughter" +"I wrote a joke about Elton John","It's a little bit funny" +"My wife woke up and said, I don't want to go to school today. I replied, you have to go to work. I'm the one who goes to school. She laugh groaned","I work at a university" +"I looked at my wife and proclaimed, I promise to love you 24/7","She looked lovingly at me, eyes welling with tears as I continued, And today is the day" +"What do you do when a chemist dies","You barium" +"I think my wife wants me to cover myself in oil","I vaguely overheard her going on and on about how I never glisten" +"I know this dude who lost the entire left-side of his body","He's all right" +"I've designed a tea brand aimed at. Jewish. Men","Hebrews" +"What did the survivor say when he realized the monster was no longer after him","Wendigo" +"What does KFC use to make their popcorn chicken","Chicken Kernels" +"What do you call someone who buys and sells shrimp","A Prawn Broker" +"What did one wall say to the other","Meet you at the corner" +"Two fruits were dating The grape said, I love you berry much","The other said, I'm sorry, but we cantelope" +"What do you call a man with a car on his head. An ambulance","He's got a car on his head" +"Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx","But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol" +"What do you call a happy cowboy","A jolly rancher" +"Dad joked during golf I was at the driving range with a few of my friends, and one of them was taking his first few shots","After shanking his first 3 hits, he turns around stares me right in the eye, and says, I guess I have to get back into the swing of things" +"My body is nicely defined","If you look in a dictionary under the word flabby" +"I recently found out that in most schools nowadays","Brass instruments are band" +"[NSFW] Diarrhea happens when","your digestive system can't get its shit together" +"How do you call a croc","Crocadial" +"Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of socks to the field","In case he got a hole-in-one" +"My grandpa was meeting my boyfriend for the first time. So when i was in highschool my grandpa was meeting my boyfriend for the first time and I did the whole Grandpa this is blabla, blabla this is grandpa","They both went in for the manly touch of hands and my grandpa pulled him in close, looked him up and down through the top of his glasses and said You're not the one that was over last night" +"What did the snowman eat for breakfast","Frosted Flakes" +"How do alligators communicate","Through snapchat" +"What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it","Nothing, it just let out a little wine" +"my sister bought my dad a wok for christmas. he responded with, I already wok all over the place. I'm 31 and my dad is 66 (sister is 28). This will never get old","Please, always cherish the moments you have with your father" +"What do you call a rabbit with fleas","Bugs Bunny" +"Did you hear about the guy who got cooled to absolute zero","He's 0K now" +"They say that the most important part of a joke is timing","But I've always thought it was pun-tuality" +"My grandad usually isn't funny. And this probably wasn't as funny as it sounds but i laughed so much","Somehow he managed to open the fridge so heavy handedly a bowl of baked beans fell out and all over him and he yelled I'VE BEAN HAD I can't help but chuckle still, what a guy" +"Dad strikes again My family was sitting round the table for our bi-weekly dinner, and the conversation was about my Brothers GF's recent trip to Paris. My Dad perked up from his food when the River Seine was mentioned asking Did you see anyone jump it","Because if you had than they were Insane" +"I started dating an. English footballer","I think he's a keeper." +"When discussing power supplies, I dad joked my friend hard. Friend: Dude, this one has a 1600W power supply. Me: Watt are they thinking","Ohm my" +"What's the name of country next to the USA","the USB" +"There is alot of controversy about universal sign language in the deaf community","However they aren't very vocal about it" +"How does Darth Vader like his steaks","Well, done done done, done da done, done da done" +"How do you make a good space party","You planet" +"So I tried dad-joking /r/politics. They were not amused. [\(Link\)](http://i. imgur. com/GPQeAok","png)" +"Which animal has the most memory","The Ram" +"Replace numbers with roman numerals","Not on my watch" +"Why couldn't the bike stand up on it's own","Because it's two tired lol" +"I got a ticket to a concert for 45 cents","It was featuring 50 Cent and Nickelback" +"My wife hates me","After our marriage, my sexual fetishes have grown slowly more perverse, but it wasn't until I spanked a statue in public that I realized I had hit rock bottom" +"Why did the chicken add two and two","I don't know but it was a poultry sum" +"I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit No more Mr","Knife guy" +"Taco Night Last night was taco night with my parents. This starts with my dad grabbing shredded cheese for his taco. Dad: Ow. Son, get the first aid kit. Me: Why. What happened. Dad: I cut myself. On this EXTRA SHARP cheddar. Me: Please stop. Dad: Do you not want to","Taco bout it" +"Happy Law and Order Day","10/10" +"Can February March","No, but April May" +"A dad is washing car with his son","The son says “can’t you just use a sponge" +"Shooting. Stars. Who. Gave. The. Stars","Guns?" +"Did you hear about the Kidnapping at school","It's fine he woke up" +"How does a southern florist exclaim his disbelief","What in 'Carnation" +"Been looking to change careers. Maybe something in underground drilling","Just not sure I want a boring job though" +"Every time i stop at a stop sign or stop light, i always hear advertisements for things","God, how i hate commercial brakes" +"What do you call it when a grape gets paid to sit in the sun all day","Fundraisin" +"Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness. Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness. He pastaway. Cannoli do so much","Now hes just a pizza history" +"What do you call a belt made of $100 bills","A waist of money" +"Where did Spiderman learn his moves","Probably from the web" +"When you're down by the sea and an eel bites your knee","that's a Moray" +"Ever use an expensive toothbrush","It's breath-taking" +"When birds fly in a V shape, why is one side longer than the other side","There are more birds on one side" +"What kind of shoes do Ninjas wear","Sneakers" +"What's orange and sounds like a parrot","A carrot" +"I wasn't planning on getting a brain transplant. But then","I changed my mind" +"Why did the scarecrow get a promotion","cause he was outstanding in his field~ Thank you very much" +"My dad always said; don't to a job to slow, but also don't do a job to fast","always do a half-fast job" +"I always start my diets on the same day","Tomorrow" +"How can you tell if a wedding is successful","It doesn't go off without a hitch" +"What is the saddest brand of car","Saab" +"Last night I watched a performance of the accapella group from the nearby army base","It has Major problems" +"I've taken to watching episodes of. Friends on multiple screens all at the same time. I just love synchronised","Schwimmers" +"Driving in the car with my parents My mum asks my dad “What gear are you in","” My dad replied “Tshirt and jeans, why" +"Made my wife blush Doing dishes with the wife: Wife: So are you not even going to comment on my makeup today. I even put blush on. Me: I'm sorry, I just thought you were embarrassed","Commence the eye roll" +"What do you call spaghetti that sleeps around","A pastatute" +"What's the difference between a thief that's struggling with depression, and some gum trees getting chopped down by a cat with a chainsaw","One's a felon feeling glum, and the other is a feline felling glum" +"What kind of music do mummies listen to","Wrap" +"To my friend in engineering. A friend of mine was trying to decide what he should ask for as a graduation present. He said, I should ask for a really cool soldering iron","To which I replied, A cool soldering iron doesn't seem very effective" +"If. I'm trans and. I have a kid. No one will be able to see me because","I'll be a transparent" +"My dad decided he would be happier as a woman, so he got a sex change. We never saw him again","He's transparent" +"From my granddaughter: What's blue and smells like red paint. Blue paint","(I'm so proud of her" +"My calculator is missing the minus button. But on the plus side,","it still works" +"Will glass coffins be a success. Remains to be","Seen." +"What type of animal is endangered by tooth decay","Molar bears" +"I told my son he is a unit of power. Son: I'm a what","Me: see" +"How does The Pope pay for stuff on eBay","Papal" +"For Good Friday, I’m planning to steal the Jesus fish off my neighbor’s minivan","And then return them 3 days later" +"What type of bees make milk","Boo-bees" +"Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night","Nurse: No change yet" +"A skeleton goes into a bar The bartender says, What will it be","The skeleton replies, Two beers and a mop" +"What do you call a deer with no eyes. No eye deer. What do you call a deer with no eye and no legs","Still, no eye deer" +"A preposition is not a good word to end a sentence with","And don't start a sentence with a conjunction" +"I just started a business for measuring microscopic objects","It is a small scale operation" +"Can February March","No, but April May" +"Where do fish keep their money","Riverbank" +"Story about Buying Bread A man and his wife enter a bakery to buy some bread. Now these are harsh economic times, and the man says to his wife, I'm not sure if I want to spend my hard earned money on this bread because I don't know who makes it. I don't know whose hands have been on it, you know. , and his wife replies, But honey, the baker is our neighbor, Alfonso","He kneads the dough" +"Did you hear about the man who made a cuppa without anyone noticing","He was a master of subtle tea" +"I didn't want to organize my spice drawer","But I figured I may as well do it while I have the Thyme" +"Why is Kim Jong Un such a terrible person","Because his Korea has no Seoul" +"My Ensemble Director always hits us with this one. He's a fast-paced Jazz Big Band director. When a section is lost, he ALWAYS says this line, Be alert","[dramatic pause] The world needs more lerts" +"Dad jokes","Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it" +"Scientists have discovered that bees die because of exposure to boobs","They call it die-of-bee-tits" +"I cook with gas","I appologize a lot." +"Why is it always about the glass being half full or half empty. Shouldn’t we consider the whole pitcher. Some would say","the big pitcher" +"What kind of bees make milk","Boo-bees" +"What did Della wear to the party. Her new jersey. (Best told while going over the Delaware Memorial bridge between Delaware and New Jersey. Every. Damn","Time" +"So husband and I are trying for a baby Told him off for making dad jokes and said 'I'm not pregnant yet. ' His response","'Hi not pregnant yet, I'm not dad yet'" +"Son: Dad, I want to be a train conductor but I don't know where to start. Me: The station. You can do it","Just stay on the right track" +"Have you heard about the 100 lb midget with the 50 lb testicles","He was half nuts" +"I've never beignet more proud. So I made beignets for breakfast (think I'll leave that to the pros from now on). I wake up my daughter (age 9) to let her know they're ready. The conversation goes like this: Daughter: Are beignets ready. Me: They've been ready. Daughter: They've beignet ready","I have to leave the room to keep from crying--I'm so proud" +"Why haven't aliens landed on Earth yet. They saw our review","1 star" +"The pizza. I made was pretty rich","It was made of dough" +"A giant globe fell on my son's face","He's currently in hospital with sphere injuries" +"What do you call an alphabet soup that doubles as a laxative","Letter rip" +"My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knee to test their reflexes","He really gets a kick out of it" +"what do you call cow songs","moosic" +"My local council installed a water slide for the ducks at my local park. The day after it was installed all the ducks went missing","They suspect it was fowl play" +"Changing my brakes on my jeep with my dad and the lugnuts were on super tight","My dad goes, This is a wheel pain in the ass" +"The Dad Tax This is a gag that I've been doing to my kids for a few years - ever since they've started needing help with opening food packages or beverages: I grab a piece, grab a fry from their bag, or I'll take a sip from their drink. They usually laughingly say, DADDY. I'll respond with, Hey, its Dad Tax . They'll growl at me about it. This morning, I realized a new name for this: Dad Valorem Tax. I told this to my kids and wife this morning. The kids didn't really understand the joke but I got a big groan about it from my wife","So, that at least made my day" +"What is red and smells like blue paint","Red paint" +"How does the KKK brew Whiskey","In a Cracker Barrel" +"Got my girlfriend the other day We were getting out of her car and she attempted to lock it with the fob. After failing a couple times, she reclosed the rear door and locked it. She then turned to me: Her: It wont lock if the door is ajar Me: What happens if it's a bottle","I thought her eyes were going to roll out of her head" +"My dad invented a new word today","It's Plagiarism" +"Hear about the scarecrow that won an award","He was just out standing in his field" +"While taking my pregnant wife to the hospital after her water had broken, I thought she would see the humor since she has a Masters in English. She did not. My Wife OH GOD HERE COMES ANOTHER CONTRACTION","Me Can't" +"What do you call a person who walks alot in 27BC","A roamin'" +"I was able to get into the kite festival for free","My friend pulled some strings for me" +"My computer got infected with a virus so i asked my dad to help me","He came to the computer and said : it ran someware" +"Me: 'Well, Dad, I'm gonna hit the road","' Dad: 'I hope you brought your hammer" +"I just found out that diarrhea is hereditary","It definitely runs in your jeans" +"What did one wall say to another","''Let's meet at the corner''" +"My wife is pregnant with our third child And last night during a fit of violent kicking from the baby, my wife looks at me and says, You have no idea how much this hurts . I just turned to her, put my hand on her belly and said, Honey, it's not a uter-I, it's a uter-US. We're in this together","Edit: also, since my wife can't drink I've definitely used the phrase I'm drinking for two now more than a few times" +"My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with Kit-Kats","I suggested we have a break" +"Just Dad Joked my Geology Class While learning about atoms, my instructor said that covalent bonds were the strongest bonds. I said, I always thought Sean Connery was the strongest Bond. So many groans. I could feel the eye rolls","I love being the old guy in class" +"Why did Johnny Cash hire a man to make him tie dye shirts","Just to watch him dye" +"I cut my finger cutting cheese","I know it may be a cheesy story but I feel grate now" +"Why do birds fly south for the winter","Because it's too far to walk" +"Me: Hey Tony, can you spell your name backwards","Tony: Sure, y not" +"I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader","The look on his face was priceless" +"Working in a lab on my first day A guy drops off a specimen behind me and says this must be a really cool specimen. I turn around and sure enough its in a bag with an ice pack","What a great start to the shift" +"I was traveling to visit my dad today, and he started talking about Jesus. I expected something serious. It usually is. Ya know, Jesus drove a Honda but never liked to talk about it What are you talking about. Yeah he said 'I do not speak of my own accord. ' And then there was Rachel. She lit off her own camel","She was the first woman in the bible to smoke" +"What club do racist scientists join","The Potassium Potassium Potassium" +"What’s the difference between a black person, white person, and a Mexican","Nothing, except the hue man" +"Tonight I was at work and told a fellow employee I had to hurry and run straight to my next job from here","He turned to me and asked, wouldn't driving there be quicker" +"My wife knocked over a pile of books","It was over ten stories tall" +"Why did the golfer take an extra pair of trousers with him","In case he got a hole in one" +"Dad joked my band teacher today A few weeks ago, our band teacher ordered a string bass for the band. It came in today, and he asked me to help put it together. He picked up a wrapped package from the box and I asked is that the bridge. And he said yes. That's a pretty small bridge, how are you going to drove cars over it","Cue groans from the whole class, minus a volcano of laughter from the teacher" +"Salutations for the Swedish pre-fab furniture store. Took my wife and 3yo to the big blue and yellow today. Pulling into the parking my kid says Dad are we there yet. and I said Yup. <start waving> Hi-kea . And she laughed and my wife groaned. Then about an hour later we were driving out, car's quiet, kid is nodding off. and I just say really loud. BYE-Kea. More groans all around","So yeah, kind of a daily double" +"You know what animal scares me the most","A Cari-*boo*" +"What do you lovingly call your undead partner","Zom-bae" +"Are bees allergic to pollen","I mean, it gives them hives" +"Who was the fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table","Sir Cumference, he ate too much pi" +"Just got new vacuums at work","The old ones sucked." +"My wife and I were high school sweethearts. We met in welding class","Her and I really bonded" +"My grandfather is a natural. We just finished eating at a nice restaurant when he got a phone call from a good friend. He answers, Grandpa: *slightly different voice* 911 what's your emergency. Friend: *something along the lines of* I'm extremely sorry I must have dialed the wrong number Grandpa: Don't worry we have paramedics on their way right now. After a friendly brief conversation he hangs up and the waiter comes with the bill and sets it on the table. Without missing a beat my grandfather says, we didn't order that","I hope someday I'll be on his level" +"An exchange between my pregnant wife and I. Wife After belching loudly: I don't know where that came from. Me: Your belly. Wife: That's apparent. Me: No you're apparent","Commence with the sighs" +"My Japanese mathematician friend considers the number zero to be his mentor","He keeps saying, “Notice me, sin(pi)" +"My First One on wife and daughter The family and I stopped in at local store to buy some things. Driving home from store I hear an oh no. from the back seat. My daughter was holding a new bottle of bleach on her lap and I guess the lid wasn't on tight and it spilled a little on her skirt. We get home and she and my wife are working diligently on trying to prevent any stains from forming on her black skirt. Me: I hope you understand if I say I hope things don't turn out all white Wife: disgusted and odd stare in my direction. Daughter: What. They continued to ignore me the rest of the evening","I guess I failed; or maybe succeeded" +"What do you call a fast escalator","An Escasooner" +"Got my girlfriend pretty good in Home Depot. In the outdoor section. Me- look, they have misters Her- ooh, cool Me- I wonder if they have any misses I surprisingly got a chuckle out of her, but not without the annoyed eye rolls","I walked a little taller" +"Has anyone checked on Oklahoma recently","I want to make sure they're still OK" +"What do you call a little iced muffin that causes chronic pain","A cupc-ache" +"The plural of penny is pence","But we just say pennies because it makes more cents" +"I threw a fake plastic turd at my wife's head while she was in the shower","Maybe now she'll stop complaining that she's out of sham poo" +"I sold my cleaning equipment","It was just collecting dust" +"After having my long hair for the last few years, I finally had most of it cut off Friends and family seeing my new hair cut for the first time have all asked me the same question: Oh, you cut your hair off. No , I respond","I let them struggle with an internal dilemma, doubting reality, wondering if they were losing touch life, until I finally respond, My hairdresser cut it off" +"I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards","that's just how I roll" +"Anyone notcie the russian president has been looking fancier lately","One might say he's PUTIN on the ritz" +"Do oranges like being juice","or are they pressed into it" +"I accidentally downloaded the. Square app for store owners instead of the one for personal use","My dad- You had no business signing up for that." +"4 year old daughter just hit me with this one Her: Daddy, is my nose running. Me: Yes. Her: Then where did it go. I just stood there baffled as she hopped away smiling. Just got dad joked my own daughter","so proud" +"I have a chemistry problem","But I think there is a basic solution to this" +"In memory of my Dad, here’s his favorite joke: Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup","Anyone can roast beef" +"How do you measure the mass of a Red Hot Chili Pepper","Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now" +"A priest ended up at the wrong church","There was a clerical error" +"Two men were arrested for stealing a calendar","They both got six months" +"I've discovered a way to reverse entropy","I bought a universal charge cable" +"My son (11) just dadjoked me. I'm reading an anti-gravity book. And I can't put it down","He then grinned from ear to ear with one of the proudest expressions I have ever seen on him" +"I think my maid stole money from my drawer","I just want her to come clean" +"My girlfriend's dad on Windows 10 Dad: Do you know why Windows jumped from 8 to 10. Gf: No. Why","Dad: Because 7 8 (ate) 9" +"My uncle texted this to my cousin Uncle: So I just got back from my CAT scan Cousin: Yeah. How'd it go. Uncle: They couldn't find any cats","Cousin: Ugh" +"What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle","Attire" +"Did you hear about the guy that went to the emergency room because he shoved 26 toy horses up his @ss","Don't worry… his condition is stable" +"Eat your veggies. My wife had cooked a lovely dinner of porkchops, rice and asparagus. I took a pretty big portion of everything but managed to eat it all. I go to take some more veggies, when my wife asks me Are you really going to eat that too. I replied, I might not, but. meh","never hurts to have a spare I guess" +"Toyota made the oldest car in the world. It's","Prius-toric" +"My dad just got back from a business trip to Alaska . I asked him how the trip was","He said, Oh, Juneau" +"I was offered a job at a sleep analysis center. But. I didn't accept it right away -. I told them","I'd have to sleep on it." +"Why can't I find any decimals around here","I just don't see the point" +"My Grandpa Called Yesterday I answered the phone to: Hello, this is Doctor [Redacted], I was calling to speak with Lyssa_Ray. Hello Grandpa. Yes, we wanted to follow up with you regarding your enema; did you want a cold water enema or a hot water enema. I don't want any enemas. Well, Lyssa_Ray, in this life we do not always get what we want, or even what we need, sometimes all we get is a pain in the butt","Sigh" +"Me and my father were looking for something too keep the wind off us whilst we go camping","Dad said mother was the best windbreaker he knew Credit: my dad- 5mins ago" +"My Uncle's Last Words [NSFW] *throwaway account, I feel weird telling a story about a family member This isn't really a joke, but a story my family tells in humor. Kind of sad, but it's a testament to my uncle's personality. A few years ago, my uncle's health deteriorated rapidly over the course of a month for multiple medical reasons. He was old, and despite treatment, we knew our time with him was short. He was sleeping in a hospital bed, his son beside him. My uncle wakes up, looking around the room: Uncle: Am I dead. Son: No, Dad. Uncle: SHIT *falls back asleep* He passed away 30 minutes later in his sleep","RIP, you were a good guy" +"Who built the pyramids. [Dad joke](http://i. imgur. com/SP3Agvm","jpg)" +"One of my worst enemies is now my landlord","You can say our relationship went from feuding to feudal." +"RIP boiling water","You will be mist" +"What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup","I can chop beef, but I can't pee soup" +"What does the RCAF call their best pilots","Their ehces" +"Local dad writes letter to my local newspaper. I bet he makes this joke every time he references classical music. http://i. imgur. com/7nT06MT","png" +"The energizer bunny was arrested for battery","This joke keeps going and going" +"Did you know that Captain Kirk has three ears","A left ear, a right ear, and a final frontier" +"What is another name for Holy Communion Wafers","Jeez-its" +"My dad used to tell us jokes and puns while he walked us up the stairs to tuck us in to bed as kids","I just found out 15 years later he always thought of them as “Ascents of Humor” AND I AM SO INCREDIBLY PRISSED (proud/pissed) THAT HIS BEST WORK WENT UNSHARED WITH ME FOR SO LONG" +"Double dad joke at work today. A little background I work at a warehouse and was moving some pallets, I walked by a buddy of mine and the conversation went a bit like this: Me: Hey do you want some wood to eat. Him: Why wood I want that","Me: Because I heard it's very palatable" +"I hate it when planes don’t have free wifi","It drives me bored air line crazy" +"Why did the bicycle fall over","Because it was two tired" +"A book fell on my head today","I only have myshelf to blame" +"Got my girl to roll her eyes with this one at the fair. There were costumed food characters on stage in a cooking demonstration at the fair we were at (ice cream, churro, orange, and really round corn on the cob). As the corn character was introduced, I turned to my girlfriend and said, Aww shucks, that corn is a little husky","The immediate look of disdain and the eye roll from her is my reason for living" +"In middle school my history teacher got us One of our vocab words was buccaneer since we were talking about exploration, if I recall correctly. In class our teacher asked what's a buccaneer. and naturally we all responded a pirate . WRONG. A sea dog. Also wrong.","It is too much to pay for corn" +"My therapist told me apathy is a symptom of depression","Doesn’t seem like a problem to me" +"Enough about me, what do you think of my tie. https://youtu","be/wMtsM-5qubI I hope you like my first contribution to /dadjokes :)" +"Dad joked at work I work at a hardware store and this guy comes in looking for bolts, so I take him over to where we have our bulk screws/bolts etc. I then ask the guy, What size bolt are you looking for. 1/4 And how long would you like it. Oh well I'd like it forever if that's possible. Cue laughter from the both of us and groans from my boss in the next aisle","Edit: making things make more sense" +"What would happen if I ordered a hatchet from Europe and had it shipped","I could have a foreign axe sent" +"How did I get to Tehran","I ran" +"When the guy working above you pass the best parts to you","That's hands down the best" +"I was at a meeting, standing, when someone offered me a place to sit","I politely declined and said I don't accept charity" +"My sister-in-law accidentally won a beauty pageant for vampire hunters. She's the new. Miss","Stake." +"Why did the man put a steak in his water heater","He wanted to take a meatier shower" +"Why did the man leave his socks on the golf course","He got a hole in one" +"The. Office sent out an automated message to all the junk emails that they were getting. Dunder","Mifflin this is spam" +"I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and I didn’t show up","I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out" +"Why do these steps keep looking at me","I feel like they're stairing at me" +"Why does a duck have feathers","To cover its butt quack" +"Added some newspaper to my birds cage Maybe he'll tweet about something important","I'll see myself out" +"So I was passing by a cemetery with my dad today, and he turns to me and goes, You know, people living in Denver can't be buried there and I look at him and ask him Why","He looks at me and says Because they aren't dead yet" +"I can’t vote today","I’m unable to maintain a full election." +"My baby only stops crying when she is fed","All she wants to do is whine and dine" +"My friend David lost his ID","Now he’s just Dav" +"I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%","Apparently that’s not how you grade exams" +"What does a nosy pepper do","Gets Jal-ap-eno businesssss" +"My wife said. I should do lunges to stay in shape…","That would be a big step forward😃" +"I told my friend that I liked Beyoncé. He said Whatever floats your boat","I said No, that's buoyancy" +"Why did the nickel jump off the building but the dime didn’t","Dime had more cents" +"What are the benefits of looking at a clock","It passes the time" +"I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9","The odds were against me" +"What do you call a bear with no teeth","A gummy bear" +"Two guys were stood on either side of a river. One shouted “ay mate, how do I get to the other side of the river","” He replied “you are on the other side”" +"Daddy. I hear an airplane taking off. Really. What's it taking off","Its shirt or its shoes" +"True dads take every opportunity https://imgur","com/AkZFiDn" +"When can you tell if a joke is a dad joke","When it becomes apparent" +"Why do mathematicians like Halloween so much","It’s the only time of the year they get to do The Monster Math" +"What has four wheels and flies","A garbage truck" +"Have you heard the new baseball theme song","It’s really catchy" +"While buying seeds for the garden. Dad, why are you buying so many peas. I don't even like peas. Come on son, give peas a chance Thank you","I'll show myself out" +"Someone once told me that they’ve been needing inspiration for last 3 years","I asked him “how can you hold your breath for 3 years?”" +"A man asked me for a dollar. I said I only carried big bills","He asked me to give him one, so I gave him my electric bill" +"Iceberg. Iceberg","We're in a titanic pickle here But lettuce romaine calm, help will turnip soon" +"I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today… We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad. It's a frickin' Elephant. ” I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us. “What did you just call it. ” I asked. “It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture","” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant" +"I gave my friend an elephant for his room. He said, thanks,","I said, Don't mention it." +"Last night's dinner conversation. I asked my son (3) what he was eating, and he says Ed a mommy (Edamame). I of course respond with No, that's da mommy. and point to my wife. That was terrible, So I set up a much better one. I told my wife that our friend Kevin had recently had a girlfriend, but he broke up with her when he found out she was missing three toes. She was shocked that Kevin would be so shallow. I told her, Didn't you know Kevin was Lack Toes Intolerant. The kids did not understand why we were laughing so hard. I think my wife wanted to throw something at me","I love terrible jokes" +"My sister just made our father a proud man So earlier today my sister visited a bakery in Boston known for its cannolis","Her friend asks I wonder how many cannolis they sell on Saturdays my sister's response I cannoli imagine immediately followed by my dad would be so proud" +"What did the drug test say to the addict","“Urine trouble" +"I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger","Then it hit me" +"A complete stranger came up to me and told me that she was a vegetarian","I swear I met herbivore" +"I’m really proud of my friend’s collection of Hollywood acting equipments","Props to him" +"A Student is in Math Class. A student is in math class, and the teacher is explaining some basic geometry. The teacher says, The relationship between a circle and its radius can be calculated by 'pi r squared' . The student raises his hand, confused. That doesn't seem right, Ma'am. The teacher asks what he means, and he says Pi r square. No, Pi r ROUND","Cake r square" +"Why do Leprechauns laugh when they run","Because the grass tickles their balls" +"I am a proud new dad. My son 1 day old. I was singing him the alphabet in the hospital. The nurse came in and said he won't start grasping words for a while","I said, Hey, he wasn't born yesterday" +"Did you hear about the janitor who became president","He wanted to make sweeping changes" +"I'm going to start a bed company called nothing really mattress","Queen size only" +"I hit my wife in the foot with a remote car","Wife: Stop that hurts, I have bare feet Me: That's weird, I thought you had human feet Her reaction to me laughing hysterically was priceless" +"What's a drunk rabbit been drinkin","Hopscotch" +"Have you got a smart shopper loyalty card sir. No, I'm not a smart shopper. (I do this in front of the soon to be eyerolling wife","My boy still to young to affect ) (This works where I live since the one grocery chain of stores branded their loyalty card scheme with the name smart shopper )" +"A man entered his home and was absolutely delighted","Someone had stolen every lamp in his home" +"What do you call a banana that will be ripe tomorrow","A Bañana" +"My wife asked why there was a group of trash men in my neighborhood chatting with one another","I told her they were talking trash" +"My dad still has it one day out of open heart surgery. Nurse: How do you feel","Dad: with my fingers mostly" +"I got a parking ticket for being parked illegally the other day and I’ve no idea why","The sign clearly said, “Fine for parking" +"The only things that matter in life are","Atoms." +"The word diputseromneve may look stupid","but it's even more stupid backwards" +"I was at Starbucks with my daughter","She turned towards the cashier and asked How much is the *cough* fee" +"Never date a tennis player","Love means nothing to them." +"What concert costs 45 cents","50 cent featuring nickelback" +"Why did the car stop working","It was tired" +"Got over charged at a hotdog stand There was an extra zero on the bill, so it ended up being like 70 bucks. Called the customer service at my bank and threw this gem into the conversation : I mean I'm just ball parking, but $70 seems a little steep to be frank. Cue dead silence on the line","I relish these moments" +"How do dogs get into their kennels","Through a labra-door" +"I went to a zoo once and there was only one animal there, a regular old house dog","It was a shit zoo" +"What do indecisive people wear","Flip flops" +"I just had a text conversation with my daughter. She was sitting in the car at the mall while her mother shopped. I was sitting inside the mall but outside the shop waiting and wishing I was dead. Daughter: How much longer, I have to pee. Me: I have no idea. You'd better come inside, if you don't, urine trouble","Daughter: You're an idiot" +"I have a lot of patience. Cause","I never use any of it" +"Gutbusters. I'm a licensed therapist, and my uncle, who'd been having a problem on his farm, asked me if I could come by and psychoanalyze one of his animals","I refused because, quite honestly, I ain't a Freud of no goats" +"My dog's breath smells like she has been licking the butt of satan. My wife, to our dog, whose breath stinks: Your breath smells like you have been licking the butt of satan","Me: It was a brimstone job" +"My dad went to get his blood tested The nurse asked him You've been fasting, right","To which he replied: I've been going pretty slowly, actually" +"Teacher asks her class who can draw one hundred without numbers. with help they find,Tree x tree x tree is 27, then scribble brown all over them to get Dirty tree + Dirty tree + Dirty tree = 99 Miss. Teacher says well done we can't get any closer, Larry says I can. And starts drawing","how's drawing rocks near the trees change any thing Larry, He explains that it's not rocks it's dog poo and now it is Dirty tree and a turd + Dirty tree and a turd + Dirty tree and a turd = 99" +"I used to be a tap dancer. But","I fell in the sink" +"Alabama currently has the highest rate of adultery","It's the state of affairs" +"The choir boy went to detention","Looks like he got in treble." +"Shower joke. Me: Hey dad, did you take a shower. Dad: Why","Is it missing" +"When you're. Russian to the bathroom. There's no time for","Stalin." +"My kids told me my puns are going downhill. I told them the only puns","I have going downhill are the ones about skiers and snowboarders." +"We are eating breakfast when. My brother opens up the dishwasher. My dad goes: What you looking for","Brother: Glasses Dad: You're wearing them" +"Split a steak with a friend the other night after having an argument","He ended up still having a beef with me" +"What’s the longest word in the dictionary. Smiles","Because there’s a mile between the two S’s" +"Why are Christians so opposed to carbon dating","Because they think carbon should be married already" +"Watching bears fish for salmon in Alaska live on YouTube when my GF asks what I'm watching","A live stream" +"Why kids loved Jesus in his day My 3 year old daughter I'm thirsty. Me have a juice box My daughter yum. Thanks dad. Me you know why little children liked Jesus when he was here. Because he was the king of the juice","Religious wife *rolls eyes*" +"My girlfriend and I were at the beach. After a swim she asked me, How's the ocean","Eh, it comes in waves" +"Does John Cena still wrestle","I haven't seen him in a while" +"How does NASA organize a party","They planet" +"My girlfriends dad She used the word congealed. I told her I like the word coagulate better","Her dad then chimes in with Coagulate: when two dogs wag their tails in unison" +"Dentists. Rolling with my friend and his dad. Friend: Hey dad, *points to dentist sign* what does the DMD stand for","Friend's dad: Dentist man, Dentist" +"What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water","It's gonna take me a minute to get hard, I got laid just this morning" +"Wife's FB friend was having a vampire themed Bachelorette party","I bet that sucked - Me" +"What do you call ripped magician","Dumbbelledore" +"I am desperately trying to out Dadjoke my Dad. http://i. imgur. com/cGoejgC","jpg" +"Where is a criminal's favorite place to eat. Burglar King. Where do they go for dessert","Baskin Robbins" +"Dad pulled this one on me earlier My mother was talking about how rice can be hard to make just right sometimes, so I said Why don't we just get a rice cooker","This was quickly followed by my dad's We already have one, it's called Mom" +"Tony Stark Dad Joke Tony: Hey Steve Steve: Yeah. Tony: Look at this Tony: *shows Steve a picture of a knee* Steve: What’s that","Tony: It’s your knee, Cap" +"If. I ever saw a cat escape from the zoo","I'd puma pants" +"finishing milk > wife: finish your milk > > daughter: do i have to","> > me: no you have one cup, but you must finish it no one pays attention to me, so i just laugh by myself, but it was a good laugh, a good good laugh" +"Uncle Jokes A woman who is three months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby. **Doctor:** You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. **Mother:** Oh no, not my brother. he's an idiot. What did he name the girl. **Doctor:** Denise. **Mother:** Oh, thats not so bad, what did he call the boy","**Doctor:** Denephew" +"My son came home from school. He asked, Do you have a bookmark. and I burst into tears","8 years old and he still doesn't know that my name is John" +"I once tried donkey meat","I didn't like it because it tasted like ass" +"Where does Napoleon keep his armies","In his sleevies" +"I ate a ball of string yesterday","I shit you knot." +"A massive telescope dropped on my head yesterday","I was seeing stars all night" +"Oranges improves your eyesight. Because it contains. Vitamin","See" +"Why should you never get a bird sick","It's ill-eagle" +"Wanted some food, got a groan instead I sent him a text asking Hey, can you pick up some dinner","He replied with how heavy is it" +"I tried to eat an apple off of a fake tree","It was a fruitless effort." +"I just saw someone stealing my garden gate. I would have said something but","I didn’t want them to take offence" +"I said it once and I'll say it again","It" +"My daughter had some rumbly noises going on in her diaper while she was eating her snack today. Afterward I checked her diaper. Bracing myself, I was surprised to find she pulled a Vladimir There was no poop","She was just Putin" +"What do you call an Egyptian who doesn't care about anything","A Nile-ist" +"I'm guessing Costco is the origin of many dadjokes My wife just received this email from her dad. http://imgur","com/UA3kgN1" +"I hate slivers","They really get under my skin" +"Frankly put. So I was talking to my friend today and this happened: Blah. blah. blah. I'm really struggling with this class that I'm taking right now. And frankly put. I need to get my shit together. As soon as I've finished my sentence, he immediately replied with: That's what Frank would've said","It made me chuckled a little bit and I instantly thought of this subreddit" +"The BBC say that new royal baby's name will be announced in due course","That's a terrible name" +"Remember when air for your tires was free. Now it's $1","Inflation" +"If your Russian going into the bathroom and Finnish coming out of the bathroom what are you in the bathroom","European" +"My wife is still mad at me because I accidentally put superglue on her pen a few days ago","She just can’t seem to let it go" +"What did the drummer call his two twin daughters","Anna one, Anna two" +"Dad joked the manager at work Him: Ask what's-his-name to do it. Me: Who. Him: Argh, his name is on the tip of my tongue","Me (leaning in, looking at his mouth): I don't see anything" +"My dad got into an accident. Dad: The police stopped by the house today. Me: Why. Dad: Last weekend I was visiting my friend in the backwoods. As I was driving, a pig jumped out in front of me. I swerved to avoid it but ended up hitting it. I got out of my car and noticed it was not going to live. The pig had to be over 100 pounds, and there wasn't any way to move it. I look around and couldn't see anyone. I decided to leave the pig in the road figuring people would drive around it and scavengers would eventually take care of it. But today the police stopped by to question me about it. Me: No one was around, right. How did they know you hit it. Dad: The pig squealed","*Dad laughs as I fell right into it" +"Why was 4 afraid of 5","Because he was a registered six offender" +"How do you discipline a pet rock","You hit rock bottom" +"My dog wasn’t acting right so. I asked him what was going on","He said he had a ruff day" +"If. You. Grab a. Ghost. From. Behind","You'll get a handful of sheet" +"What drink is best served at a funeral","Mournge juice" +"How do people make new buddies","Asking for a friend" +"My favorite fruit is the pear. Why","Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left" +"My dog only listens to commands in Spanish","He’s Espanyol" +"I texted my dad for help with my moms birthday gift Me: hey can you sneakily check and see what size shoe mom wears","Dad: shoer" +"Did you hear about the clairvoyant midget that has escaped from prison","Police are saying there's a small medium at large" +"Got my Mom today in Wal-Mart We were walking around getting stuff for my step dad's birthday and I ask if we can leave soon because I hate Wal-Mart, and she replies No I'm not rushin and automatically I reply I know, we're scottish. Context : We're americans with scottish background, if ya couldn't catch on","QuickEdit: Wording" +"I'm sorry. I once tried telling a chemistry joke &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B;","But i got no reaction" +"Two Germans are a bar in London Two martinis, please. Dry","NEIN, ZWEI" +"Overheard this at the grocery store. Child : Dad, can we get some Nutella","Dad : What's wrong with the old-tella" +"My friends asked me why. I hang my grapes outside to dry","I told them, “I have my raisins.”" +"What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo","One is a little lighter" +"I had a racing snail. To make him more aero-dynamic I took off its shell","If anything it made him more sluggish" +"If at first you don't succeed,","Skydiving probably isn't for you" +"How do you make a Swiss roll","You push him over" +"I want to make a show in the same style as My Cat from Hell , but make it about lizards instead","I'll call it A-Reptile Dysfunction" +"Stranger at the airport dadjoked my dadjoke. i was getting off an airplane, and i passed a little boy who was saying bye, plane","i, remembering a dadjoke i saw here, said no, this isn't a biplane The kid's dad immediately gave me a condescending look and said you can't tell it's sexual preference based just on how it looks" +"Why does a chicken coop have two doors","Because if it had 4, it would be a chicken sedan" +"Mother's. Day needs to be moved to a different day of the week. Why's it on. Son","Day?" +"Why do bakers go into business","Because they knead the dough" +"Cole's. Law:","Thinly sliced cabbage." +"Had an inadvertent double-whammy dad joke today My name is Adam. The wife yelled to see if I was awake and getting ready. Wife: Are you up. Me: I am Adam. Wife: C'mon. Are you up. Me: I am up and Adam","" +"Dad hit my mom with this one today We were about to open presents and my mom asked my dad for something sharp to which he replied do you need something sharper than my wit","She totally gave him the look" +"Why will orthodontists and nail salons be the first businesses to reopen","Because they're fighting tooth and nail for it" +"Why are there broken condoms on the couch, honey","Stop calling your kids that" +"Why does the deputy write his reports in arial font when he's alone","Because he's sans-sheriff" +"I’ve bought my girlfriend a wooden leg for Christmas","It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler" +"How do you shoot a rocket","Fire works" +"During a bank robbery, a family of T rexs started rubbing their wrists together until they got so hot, they burst into flame","The bank robbers quickly fled upon hearing the sound of small arms fire" +"When discussing a book store with a friend Me: Did you know the mall has a Barnes and Noble. Him: Yeah, it has two stories","Me: Being a bookstore, you'd think they would have more than just two stories" +"What do you call a really cold shirt","Iced Tee" +"What is the least spoken language in the world","Sign language" +"I'm just a bystander of a dad joke. I survived, though I'm not sure about the rest of the family as I couldn't bring myself to look. I visited Detroit yesterday and walked to the riverwalk (which Canada is right across the water). As my wife and I are taking in the view I hear behind us: random dad: Oh. Canada family: . rd; you know, they should make a song like that. family:","rd: actually with those exact words; Oh Canada" +"If you see me make a grammatical error. Just assume","I’m being fecesish" +"What type of people never get angry","The nomads" +"I can't help it,. I like. Google's I'm feeling lucky button","It's basically love at first site." +"What do you call a pirate ship in the. Soviet. Union. The. USS","Aarrgh" +"Good news from my psychiatrist","He's treated much worse cases of inferiority complex than mine" +"Before his music career took off, Daryl Hall worked as a trucker for Quaker","He was haulin’ oats" +"What happens when you have a bladder infection","Urine Trouble" +"An Easter Dad Joke So I took some peeps into work today, and at our daily meeting I presented some to everyone. I then pointed to my boss and said He's the boss. I then ripped the head off of the peep in my hand, reattached it, pointed back at my boss and repeated He's the boss","I was reminding my peeps who's boss" +"Breakfast dad joke My GF asked for toast this morning while getting ready for work, I came back with a wine glass, hitting it with a fork","She even posted the event on Facebook and my dad apologized to her" +"My wife said that videogames were ruining our marriage. Well that's a. Far","Cry..." +"I hate explosions","I go all to pieces" +"What do barn animals in the army wear","Cowmooflage" +"Too bad that qb just retired from the Colts","Guess they’re out of luck" +"Did you see that horse on tinder","He's looking for a stable relationship" +"What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink","Waataaaaaaa" +"BREAKING: Elon Musk was just arrested","He was charged with battery" +"What do you call a group of pandas in confusion and creating chaos","Panda-monium" +"A woman falls into a well. Her husband immediately puts a cover over it","Well that got dark quickly" +"With Veteran's Day coming up, I asked my son if he knew why the army was so strict about their uniforms","He didn't know, so I told him, It's to minimize casual tees" +"My brother asked me if heaven was real","I'm dying to find out" +"If. I had a dime for every time","I didn't understand what's going on, 'd be like: Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?" +"I called him to ask about a serious dilemma I had. Dad: You know what to do when you have a dilemma","Make dilemma-nade" +"Asked my dad to take the. Myers-Briggs personality test. He said his result was","ARSE." +"I lost my boomerang I tired to retrace my steps but I cant remember anything that happened after I threw it, OH WAIT","It’s coming back to me now" +"What is Thanos favourite app","Snapchat" +"My dad emailed me this joke. This guy wants to go into a nightclub, but the bouncer says, Sorry, bud, you need a tie for this place. Our hero goes back to his car and rummages around, but there's no necktie to be found. In desperation, he takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a Windsor knot, and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the nightclub, where the bouncer says. Well, OK, I guess you can come in","But don't start anything" +"The day the son became the dad Growing up, my dad would always dad joke me when a Who song came on the radio. Today was the day I got him back. Me: Who is 50 years old. Him: Who. Me: Yes. Him: Yes. Me: No, The Who","Yes has been together for only 46 years" +"What's the longest word in the English language","A word from our sponsors" +"Why can't seagulls fly over the bay","Because then they'd be called bagels" +"When Mr. Rious became a knight","Nobody believed he was Sir Rious" +"How does a snowman get to work","By icicle" +"What is it called when you die and are born again as a hillbilly","Reintarnation" +"I've been Internet hacking for almost thirty years, and now I want to give it up","Can someone point me to an Anonymous Anonymous group" +"How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb. One, but the lightbulb has to want to change","(Told to me by my dad, a social worker" +"“No Thanks. I’m a vegetarian","” is the worst thing you can say when someone hands you their baby" +"My dad stacked a ton of bacon on his plate. He took a bite, smirked and said, This bacon is great Sarah. It's hard to believe it's sodium free. My wife looked at me with a quizzical look on her face and responded, Ummm. Bruce. this isn't sodium free bacon. I know. My dad exclaimed","That's why it's so hard to believe" +"Recently there´s been some tension between me and my girlfriend who works as a zoo employee","Her tendency to bring her work home with her is the elephant in the room" +"A vegan rejected me on. Tinder","She said we shouldn't meat" +"What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo","One is very heavy and the other is a little lighter" +"Dad: What time is your dentist appointment","Me: I dunno Dad: TOOTH HURTY" +"Why did the birds finally stop fighting","They signed a peace tweety" +"In my life I've been a maintenance mechanic, a make-up artist, a media director, a mender, a metre inspector, a microcomputer support specialist, a mill helper, a mirror installer, a music librarian and a mortician investigator","That's my m-ployment record" +"I told my. English teacher. I planned on writing my onomatopoeia assignment on the word fap. He told me","I was to discuss ting" +"Where do sharks go on vacation","Finland" +"I hate it when people don’t know the difference between your and you’re","There so stupid" +"My wife screeched at me, What's this pile of clothes doing on the floor","I whispered, It's a dead Jedi" +"Why do elves have fresh breath","They eat ornamints" +"What's Forrest Gump's computer password","1forrest1" +"I'm going to open up a store that only sells two bed covers and two snorkels. Just four sheets and goggles. EDIT: from https://jokeriot","com" +"What did the police officer say to his stomach","You’re under a vest" +"What kind of geometry is the best at getting away","A poly-gone" +"What does a ginger bread man cover himself with when he's in bed","A cookie sheet" +"Why are Italians so good at soccer","They really know how to pasta ball" +"What was the bees reaction when it won the lottery","Well, it was buzzing obviously" +"I'm biracial, actually. Dad: How's that whitening toothpaste been working out for you. Me: (*smiles big*) What do you think. Dad: Oh, no, it's not working at all. Me: Seriousy. I've been using the stuff for over a month. Dad: Better call them","You're still Asian" +"My pet mouse Elvis just died","He got caught in a trap" +"My new thesaurus is terrible","Not only that, but it’s also terrible" +"HBO is making a new docudrama about the life of Abraham Lincoln","The finale will be shot before a live audience" +"What’s Dracula’s favourite type of coffee","Decoffinated" +"I'll never forget what my dad said right before he kicked the bucket","How far do you think I can kick this bucket" +"Did you hear about the guy who lived in absolute zero temperatures","He’s 0K now" +"Why do trees never move","Because they always stick to their roots" +"Accounts Payable (the A3 invoice) Today I accidentally printed an invoice on A3 paper instead of A4. I felt bad about wasting even more paper by reprinting it on A4 so I just gave it to my boss for approval. I really should have predicted the outcome. THIS BILL IS HUGE and THIS BILL IS TWICE AS BIG AS USUAL All around the office like a parade. I could see the cringey smiles form on the faces of people whom I'd known for 6 months but still couldn't name. It didn't stop. It was a parade. a song and dance. He was so proud of the joke that he printed and signed the A3 expense form with a large permanent marker. P","I can't wait to be a father" +"I am thinking of pursuing a career as a crowd estimator","I wonder how many people are in that field" +"My stepdad and stepmom were hiking. They had to walk on a loose wooden bridge to cross the river. My stepdad started walking on it but my stepmom refused to walk on it until my stepdad reached the other side","When I asked her the reason , she pointed to a sign which read One step at a time" +"Where do bad airplanes go after they die","They go to hell-icopter" +"What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad","Lettuce pray" +"My fiancee will be a great dad one day. Me: I need to wash my hair. It's so dirty it almost doesn't look blonde anymore. Him: Well kind of. It looks","dirty blonde" +"A crazy wife says to her husband that moose are falling from the sky","The husband says, it’s reindeer" +"In college I studied American history and fashion design","My final project was Gettysburg, a dress" +"What is a chickens favorite alcohol","Hennessy" +"In the interest of history, I tried to read Adolf Hitler's manifesto","But it was too Kampflicated" +"A kid was hungry. Kid: Dad, I'm hungry. Dad: Hi Hungry. I'm Dad. Kid: Hi Dad, I'm Your Son","And thus they starved" +"Everyone going to the parade today","After all, it is March 4th" +"What can Dracula do best","Count" +"I named my stapler at work Bob Marley","Because it keeps jamin’" +"My wife left a note the fridge: this isn't working. I'm going to my mom's house. I opened the fridge door, the light was on, the beer was cold","What the hell did she mean" +"I heard that General Kellogg was going to be the new national security adviser","I have to say, though: I'm disappointed they didn't go with General Mills" +"Got one in at work today: Coworker1: In Germany I saw asparagus stands. Coworker2: I can say I’ve never seen and an asparagus stand","Me: Probably because asparagus doesn’t have legs" +"Back in 1993, I inherited a small fortune from my grandfather. It said A window of opportunity won't open by itself","The lucky numbers were 2, 4, 11, 12, 35, and 39" +"I bought a new blindfold today","I can't see myself wearing it though." +"What did the tie say to the hat","You go on ahead and I'll hang around" +"I've never seen a movie about the. South","Just the trailers." +"Why are oranges the smartest fruit","Because they are made to concentrate" +"I don't know why Euthanasia is so controversial","I personally don't mind Asian kids" +"Got my fiancé at the zoo today He was looking in a pond for fishes and found one, but the poor guy was all alone. So my fiancé said, hey little fishy why are you by yourself","And I said, well, there's no school on Sundays He just stared at me and shook his head :)" +"How do you say Future in Italian","Antipasto" +"Why was the bacteria sad","Because his parents had just split" +"Dad told this joke to my brother and I, our parents have been divorced 10 years. Bro didn't appreciate it 'Here right, I was walking home from the pub last weekend and you know what I'm like when I'm drunk, singing to myself and stumbling all over the place haha. So I walked up the back road, yano the one with trees and bushes on either side of the road and I was singing away, loving life. Then all of a sudden this figure dressed in black appeared, I couldn't really make out what it was. I got a bit closer and it ran at me, now you know I'm a hard man but it scared the life out of me. This weird looking man looked up from beneath a dark cloak thing and said 'I AM THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS' so dad goes 'awk for fuck sake, why didn't you say","I'm Marty, I married your sister" +"So proud Helping my 13 year old make his bed. It's a hot night and the ceiling fan is on. Don't flick the sheet too high, Dad, or else. Me: Or else what","or else the sheet will hit the fan" +"dad joked my niece So my niece was talking about how it was raining, and at her school they have these tents , which are really just tarps, over the outside lunch area. Apparently water pools up on top of them after it rains. Her: the janitor was pushing up with a broom underneath and the water was splashing off, it was intense. me: sounds like it was off-tents actually","her: *facepalm*" +"SPANISH DAD JOKE COMING YOUR WAY ¿Cuál es el idioma más limpio del mundo","El jabones" +"My father keeps calling me Ariel","Because on my last test I got a D, which is under a C" +"Where do ducks fart","Out their ass quacks" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school","Don't worry though, he woke up" +"What do you call macaroni with a cold","Mac n Sneeze" +"I really like mushrooms","But they fill me up so much it doesn't leave mushroom for anything else" +"I can't wait until my wife tells me that she is pregnant","I have a pre-planned response of, You're kidding me" +"What's Jackie Chan's favourite dessert","Crème Brucelee" +"What did the bird work out at the gym","His pecks" +"I heard that Tiger Wood's car accident was caused by a problem with his tires","He had a hole in one" +"What happens when a politician takes a viagra","They get taller" +"I was about 12 when my mom told me that Santa Claus was my father","I'm not sure if she ever told my dad" +"I'm throwing a party for people who fail to orgasm","Let me know if you can't come" +"I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said, Thank you","I said, Don't mention it" +"How do you make Holy Water","You boil the Hell out of it" +"It took my friend a lot of balls to appear in the Reality TV show “Embarrassing Bodies”","Three, to be exact" +"Dad Joked my mom Watching the news when they mentioned billionaire Harold Hamm's divorce settlement, and it showed the check he wrote his wife","My mom said she'd never seen a check that big, when I replied It's a normal size check, it's just on a large screen" +"If you get cold, stand in the corner of a room","I hear they are around 90 degrees" +"I saw a pig laying in the sun the other day","It was bacon in the heat" +"I gave some dude the money I'd saved to to buy bushes to line my property","I'd introduce you, but my hedge fund manager hates reddit" +"If you're American when you enter the toilet, and American when you exit the toilet, what are you while you're inside the toilet","European" +"Good Morning Dad Me: Morning, What's up. Dad: WE ARE","HAHAH" +"I'm going to shoplift from Williams Sonoma. Hope I don't get caught","It's a whisk I'm willing to take" +"How do you think the unthinkable","With an itheberg" +"What do you say when your sister steps on your foot and breaks your toe in half","That's mitosis" +"Why did the Italian chef get locked out of his restaurant","He had gnocchi" +"You should try camping","It's in tents" +"My friend is a professional sleep walker","He is living the dream" +"Help me , son. I'm under attack. Dad, stop. *sigh","* (pulls tack off head)" +"You might not believe that today is Canada's 150th birthday","It's Trudeau" +"You don’t need a parachute to skydive","You only need a parachute to skydive twice" +"Did you hear about the farmer who bought a truck farm. It was a failure","Planted nine trucks and none of 'em came up" +"My friend lost his leg in a car accident","He was hopping mad" +"The day I (first) one-upped my dad's joke: One day my dad & I were driving home from fishing and a Neil Diamond song was on the radio. My dad said, This is actually an impersonator called Neil Sapphire. I immediately responded, Don't you mean Neil Cubic Zirconia. His groan was priceless to me back then, and I'm waiting for the day my son will do that to me","(true story from ~30 years ago)" +"I’m dieting religiously","I no longer eat in church" +"I out dad jokes my husband My husband was craving nachos so we went to the store to get him some fixins. My toddler dropped his can of cheese and I yelled, NACHO CHEESE. I even polished it off with a knee slap","Proud of myself" +"Who takes pictures of dogs","Pupperazzi" +"What do you call the horse and sheep who live next door","Your neigh-baas" +"I just realized that I have lost my mood ring","Not sure how I feel about this" +"Go get me a rubber band sandwich","And make it snappy." +"The gas station had a summer sale on cigarettes","It was a smoking hot deal" +"Have you heard about the blind cyclops brothers","Neither have eye" +"A friend and I went to Mcdonalds. They have these new digital machines you order from. I had my friend order a mc-chicken at the counter at the same time I ordered an egg McMuffin at the machine","I wanted to see what came first, the chicken or the egg" +"People keep asking me where I see myself in 3 years. I dont know","I don't have 2020 vision" +"From a random guy in a furniture store This happened a few weeks ago. I had a little extra time at lunch one day so I decided to stop at a furniture store since we've been looking at getting a new couch. I'm leisurely walking around the store browsing with my hands in my pockets when I see an elderly couple being shown around by the salesman. The old gentleman sees me and gets a smirk. He wobbles over too me, away from his wife and the salesman, leans in so only I can hear and, out of the blue, says: He who has his hands in his pockets has more on the ball than at first it would seem. He smiles, says nothing else, and wobbles back","That put a smile on my face and had me laughing the rest of the day" +"Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine","Sounds like an inoculate conception" +"What did baby corn say to a mom corn","Where’s popcorn" +"Dadjoked my SO. (I was looking for a belt) SO- Where's your black belt. Me-I don't have a black belt, I only got to Orange belt 3rd degree. SO- *Shakes head* Me- Laughs to myself","I was in Karate when I was a child" +"What do you call a lost lycanthrope","A where-ami-wolf" +"I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France I left","The place was giving me the crepes" +"What do you call someone who doesn’t fart in public","A private tutor" +"Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous","I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I’m disappointed" +"My friend scratched her eye recently I was gonna tell her a joke to lighten the mood, but decided not to","I can see that my jokes are beginning to get cornea and cornea" +"Dad is microwaving soup. I walk down to the kitchen while my dad is microwaving some soup for lunch. He says to me This soup is heavy. I say What. My soup, it's heavy. Why. I said It's Wonton soup","And then I put my head in my hands as I walk away while he laughs" +"I just found out. Canada isn’t real","Turns out it was all mapleleaf" +"Genie : What’s your first wish. , Steve : I wish I was rich","Genie : What’s your second wish, Rich" +"Why don't aliens visit earth","It only has a one star rating" +"What religion is a traveling nun","A roaming catholic" +"Before and after med school Dad sent me this pic today. http://imgur","com/rPiWFfn/" +"I always knock before opening the fridge","In case there's a salad dressing" +"How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke","You'll know, it's apparent" +"I went hunting for the first time ever last week. The only thing I managed to shoot was a feral cat. Great shot though, tore the think in half and the front half was nowhere to be seen. Filled with pride, I picked up the feline's hind quarters and thought I'd have a go at taxidermy to make a plaque for above the mantle","What a catastrophe" +"My two year old got me. Me: Say awe. Son: with a half open mouth, Uhhhhhh. M: NO. Say awe Big. S: with same half open mouth, Uhh big","GF: Well, he's not wrong" +"What animal comes after 10","Elephant" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When it’s ApParent" +"Yesterday while waiting in a store My dad and I were sitting in a dress store waiting for one of the salespeople to be free. We were facing the front door where there was one of those We're open/sorry, we're closed signs hanging. Of course the closed side was facing us since the store was open. Dad: Oh no, we're stuck in here","Outside is closed" +"A man on the street threw a bottle of milk and a block of cheese at me","I thought, how dairy!" +"My buddy was trying to explain the appeal of invisible ink","but I just don't see it" +"The wife has been sick lately. and I noticed that her green underwear (usually reserved for certain times of the month) had been rinsed and thrown into the hamper. Suspecting she had been doing the Aztec two-step in the chocolate rain, I held up up the pair of panties and asked what color she thought her panties were. I dunno. lime green. she guessed","To which I responded, Are you sure they're not shartreuse" +"What lets you see in the dark but gives away your position","Night vision giggles" +"Bill Cosby was found guilty recently","the proof was in the pudding" +"Just a picture of the neighborhood kindergarden. http://imgur","com/gallery/BBd1D" +"Wife is looking at the catalog of tables. W - I don't like black finish. M - Do you prefer black Norwegian","Got a frown back" +"I got an vinyl album of wasp sounds the other day. Played it, didn’t sound anything like wasps","Then I realised I was playing the bee side" +"Pastor dad-joked the congregation. My pastor was talking about the influences of mothers in our lives. He proceeded to talk about how his daughter danced and had pleased Herod, and he offered her anything she wanted, up to half the kingdom. The dancer consulted her mother, who said she should request John the Baptist's head. This, he informed us, is how to get a head in life","Dad tears were present" +"My son turned 18 today so I bought him a locket and put his picture in it","I guess you could say I wanted him to be independent" +"You don't need a parachute to go skydiving","You need a parachute to go skydiving twice" +"My sister got me last night. Me: You've got dandruff on your shirt","Her: I live a dandruff life" +"Did you hear about the Mexican restaurant that replaced all its fire extinguishers with jars of cheese and salsa","The labels all read break in queso emergency" +"What do you call a magical bra","An abracadabra" +"I tried to take my family on a camping trip to my cabin","But things got pretty in-tents" +"Many people accuse me of plagiarism","But those were their words, not mine" +"The only people to show up to my friend’s funeral were some of his one night stands and some friends from church","Thots and prayers" +"I ordered a chicken and a egg from amazon","I’ll let you know" +"This morning my dad was driving me to school. As we drove down the highway we passed a bunch of fire trucks all parked directly outside of a fitness center","My dad taps me on the shoulder, I turn to look at him, and he says: I guess somebody must have burned too many calories" +"I keep telling people. I'm quite the salesman","But they don't buy it." +"Road trip groans Heading for Tulsa with a car full of friends and we pass a sign that reads Bridge work ahead. Slow Me: Bridge work","Why is there a dentist on the highway" +"What are the strongest days. Saturday and Sunday","The rest of the days are weakdays" +"Programmer's dadjoke A coworker who is writing documentation about some buggy software was asking me What do you call that UI element. Is it a sidebar or a pane","It's pretty buggy, so it's definitely a pane The split second between the moment she got it and the groan was well worth it" +"Heard about the undercover cop in the Italian Mafia","He was an impasta" +"What happened when the last European volcano erupted","It Bratislava" +"By legalising cannabis and same-sex marriage, we finally interpreted the. Bible correctly","A man who lays with another man should be stoned." +"What do you call a dog after he turns 13 years old. A K19","As a non-native speaker I was kinda proud when I came up with this one" +"Saw a top ten list of card games today","Uno is number one" +"Why is gravity considered to be a weak force","Because it doesn’t even lift" +"Why did the bored man pull his money out of the bank","It wasn’t interesting" +"A friend has been going to a seminar on building self esteem","I never knew buildings thought so highly of themselves." +"Why was the tennis teacher mad at his student","He caught him raising a racket" +"Who is Gaston","The winner of the no Belle prize" +"Why did the man get a dachshund","Because someone told him to git along, little doggy" +"Where do psychologists love to have lunch","Kentucky Freud Chicken" +"I got fired from the bank today. and don't even know why. =/ This granny comes to me and say: Son, can you check my balance. I said: Sure","And pushed her over" +"I hope I've found the right place for my Dad. [he often sends me photos of food he makes, tonight was pretty good. ](http://imgur","com/rm55Xzh)" +"The Christmas after I passed the bar exam, I told my mom that I wanted a business card holder that says 'I'm a lawyer,' not 'I'm recycling a gift card holder. ' http://imgur","com/Q0rrPg5" +"My wife gave me the perfect set-up on early AM flight. We were both pretty tired since we woke up at 3AM. When we get to our seats, I pulled out my e-reader. My wife looks at me and says How can you read","Well, I guess I would have to thank my parents for teaching me when I was a kid" +"My dad sent me a picture of his favorite song. https://imgur","com/gallery/mprr1aE" +"What are the best vegetables to sleep under","a can of peas" +"I invited all my friends to a Whitesnake concert, but no one showed up","Here I go again on my own" +"What did the Pencil say to the Cowboy","Draw" +"What do you call a man with no nose and no body","Nobody nose" +"Doctor: I don’t know how to sugarcoat this but","You have diabetes" +"What does a pirate say when he turns 80","AYYEEEE MATTTEEYYY" +"I like most of the letters in the alphabet But not t","That's just crossing a line" +"Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not","Happy." +"Did you know diarrhoea is a hereditary disease","It runs in your jeans" +"How do you know if a Nepalese man is tired","You’ll see Himalayan" +"My mother told me. I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti. You should've seen her face when","I drove pasta." +"My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped","It’s his worst fear - hare loss" +"Do you know why snakes can’t play jenga","It is because they do not have hands" +"Why don't you see DJs go fishing","They keep dropping the bass" +"A furniture store keeps calling me","All I wanted was one night stand 😢" +"I never drink too much. Except when","I drink" +"Dad at dinner After we finished dinner at a nice restaurant, the waiter sees my dad's card and asks if he can go ahead and the run card","Dad replies Yeah, you can also walk if you want" +"Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill","To get to the bottom" +"Did you ever see Mount Rushmore before construction","It’s beauty was unpresidented" +"As I was rowing my boat towards the shore, a small black bird stopped me from docking","Quoth the raven, “Never moor" +"My dad went out to pick up my hemorrhoid medication yesterday When he came back, he put it on the table and texted me, Your meds are here","I hope it rectifies your problem" +"At a fancy restaurant. Waiter: Ready to order. Me: *pointing* How do you pronounce this","Waiter: Menu" +"Which US president was the least guilty","Lincoln, because he was in a cent" +"What did the red light say to the green light","Don't look, I'm changing" +"What is a drug dealer's favourite sport","Cro-caine" +"To help me focus on working, background music is instrumental. Mostly because","I'd get distracted if there were vocals" +"How does a Jewish man make tea","Hebrews it" +"Before I got married Dad said to make sure and let my lady knows who wears the pants. So first day we moved in I toss a pair of my pants at her and said Put these on. She said no way, they don't fit. I said that's right, so now you know who wears the pants around here. So I called up Dad to tell him and while the phone was ringing she threw a pair of her pants at me and said put these on. I said honey you know I can't get in these little things","She said that's right and if you don't change your attitude you'll never get in them again" +"DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my. Who. &#x200B; DAD: Uh, I can't remember. I think her name was Reese something. MOM: WITHERSPOON","DAD: No, it was with a knife" +"Where do French criminals take baths","In the J'accuse-i" +"Haggling over a pricing structure with Dwayne Johnson Dwayne Johnson recently came to the arts and crafts store I own looking to buy equipment for the wardrobe department for his latest movie. He asked if we could quickly fill a large order of cloth-cutting shears. I told him yes, but given the rush, we couldn't offer a bulk discount. For the next hour, Mr. Johnson haggled with me, insisting on paying a single, reduced price for the order of shears rather than the standard per-item price. With my frustration growing, Mr. Johnson wouldn't back down. Finally, he made a desperate attempt to get the deal he wanted: he suggested we play any simple game of my choice; winner sets the price structure for the shears. He then asked me what I wanted to play. Fed up, I shouted: Rock","Pay per scissors" +"The poor pasta shop owner. Thanks to covid he had to close down","He was left without a penne" +"FedEx guy jokes Our FedEx guy at work comes in to pick up/drop off packages and goes: This is a pick up","Give me your packages and no one gets hurt" +"What's brown & sticky","A stick" +"A chicken crossed the road and met James Bond 'What's your name. ' Asked the chicken, 'Bond, James Bond. Whats yours","', 'Ken, Chick Ken" +"My son asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public","I said maybe" +"What did the T. rex day after CrossFit class","Dino sore" +"My neighbor asked me if. I could come over next weekend and help him strain some pasta. I told him","I'd have to check my colander." +"Peanuts are great and all, but do you know what George Washington Carver SHOULD have been famous for","Mount Rushmore" +"A duck walks into a bar. He asks “Hey, you got any grapes. ” The bartender replies “No we don’t, this is a bar sir. ” The duck goes home. He comes back the next day and asks “Hey, you got any grapes. ” The bartender yells at him and says “No we don’t, and if you ask me again, I’m gonna nail your feet to the floor. ” The duck goes home and comes back the next day. He asks “Hey. you got any nails. ” “No, we don’t have any nails. “You got any grapes. ” This is in honor of my dad, who says this to me all the time","He doesn’t even know what the duck song is" +"What do you call cocaine for ducks","Quack" +"Finally, the time has come to trample and crush some clocks","Not on my watch" +"What do you call a wolf in sheep’s clothing","A woolf" +"What do you call a fake noodle","IMPASTA" +"My dad was cooking and watching a movie on TV at the same time I went in and asked him do you like it","He says I haven't eaten it yet so I point at the TV and say No I meant that and he replies Idk I haven't eaten that either" +"I've started a ship building business out of my garage","Sails have gone through the roof" +"When my son was born the assistant dropped him so. I proceeded to make some real lifestyle changes","It was a real midwife crisis" +"How do you think the unthinkable","With an itheberg" +"Poor furniture choices My son is just starting to walk from furniture item to furniture item. My wife comments to me that he is also teething, so his tongue is out. Wife: he's linking the furniture. Me: does it taste good. Wife (speaking in a high voice as my son): I don't think so dad. Me: are you saying your parents don't have good tastin' furniture","Wife starts laughing uncontrollably" +"I'm on this new fangled butane diet. I just started but","I'm already feeling a little lighter." +"Did you hear about the Arabian dairy farmer","He was a milk sheikh" +"My favourite thing to do when my little girl and partner are in my car","Whenever I have to reverse I always do so slowly, let out a nostalgic sigh and say: ahhh, this takes me back" +"Vegetarian trifecta while making dinner with my wife. So, on Sunday my wife and I were making stir fry for lunch after church. I chopped up some flank steak and test fried a piece in the wok, pulled it out, cut it in two, and we each tried a piece to see how it tasted (in case it needed more ginger or garlic or oyster sauce). This conversation happened. My wife: (enjoying the flavor) How do couples where one person is a vegetarian handle meals. Me: I guess the man has a *help meet* for him like Adam. Her: I'm being serious, how do they do it. Me: I know, right. People get married for lots of carnal knowledge. Her: (annoyed) All kidding aside, I'm curious how people make that work","Me: Give me some time to flesh out my argument, and I'm sure I can find a couple that hasn't butchered their relationship" +"What do you call a person with a rubber toe","Roberto" +"Sherlock, what do they call primary school in America","Elementary, my dear Watson" +"Making the bed with my wife Me: Is this pillowcase inside out. What are these raised edges. Her: No, those are decorative, not seams. Well, they're seams too","But they're not *un-seam-ly*" +"Sometimes I tell dad jokes","Sometimes he laughs" +"While being tortured I was asked if I'd prefer to have either my arms or legs cut off","I was stumped" +"The other day,. I amputated a dolphin's feet","I feel like it kind of de-feeted the porpoise" +"Did you hear about that Jamaican gardener who walks around like a cat","They call him Dandelion" +"Some guy robbed my local board game shop the other day","He took a Risk" +"What does a drunken ghost say","Booooooooooooooooooze As told to me by my kid" +"My sniper instructor is brutally honest","A real straight shooter" +"I'm traveling and just dadjoked the wife from across the country. After some chit chat, I dropped a doozy on my wife this morning. Hey dear, why was 6 afraid of 7i. What. I don't know. Because he has an irrational fear","I'm not awake enough for this shit" +"A designer holiday clothing line for homosexual men: Don Weinauer Gay Apparel","I'll show myself out" +"Tears the tab off a soda can - Want to hear my best duck call","Speaks into soda tab: Calling all ducks My dad did this and it took me years to understand" +"Why do communists drink herbal tea","Because proper tea is theft" +"At dinner my mum said Pluto has a lot of exciting things going on","I told her it's usually more exciting when you don't planet" +"I hope Elon Musk does not get involved in any major scandal","Because Elon-gate will go on forever" +"Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer","He couldn't see himself doing it" +"Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda","He was lucky it was a soft drink" +"Had a great one at work that nobody will know about Alright so quick synopsis of what I do for a living is treating industrial waste water for oil fields. Part of our process is removing solids from the water and using a hydraulic press to squeeze the water out of it and dispose of the dry cakes. Once a day, a waste company rolls in large trucks to remove the big bins where we store the cakes, and put in fresh ones. Today I was talking with the driver of the truck as he replaced my last bin. I wished him well on the road since we live in California and lordy knows nobody understands how to drive in the rain. As I was turning away from him I said If you'll excuse me, I have more pressing matters to attend to","And immediately started up the steps to our press building, laughing the entire time" +"I once saw a cow smoking some pot","It was a high steaks situation" +"I hate all this sex on the. TV","I keep falling off all the time!" +"My daughter asked me do you have a book mark","I burst out crying Shes 11 years old and still doesn't know that my name is bob" +"Son got creepy, I turned it around. Scene; Nighttime a few days back - just before bedtime - allowing my 2yr old son outside to say goodnight to the moon. Because of the time of year it was big, yellow and close to the horizon. Son: Daddy, the moon is hungry","Me: Nah, it's Full" +"Whats the difference between a piano, tuna, and a pot of glue. You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna WHAT ABOUT THE PAINT","I knew you'd get stuck there" +"A rancher asked me if I could help round up his 26 sheep. So I said, “Sure","30" +"Proud of my daughter We were eating dinner at a local crab restaurant in Maryland when the baby at the table next to us started crying","My 8 year old looked at me and asked daddy, do you think that baby is crabby" +"Does anyone else find all these new iPhone models a bit","XS-ive" +"What do you call a fly with no wings","A Walk" +"I'm about to go outside. So I'm heading outside to go shopping, and I grab my sweatshirt. My dad says that it was too warm outside, just leave it. I, instinctively, said cool , and he said no, warm","I dont think I could have sighed any harder at that moment" +"A friend of mine works at a butcher shop. Here are some of the signs he's made for the store. (x-post /r/meat) Album here: http://imgur","com/a/yc3yJ" +"I'm so good at being a frozen mime","I can do it with my ice clothes" +"if you some how turned some pastry into a plant","would it then be a filodendron" +"I saw my wife using her phone to record her getting a haircut","I think she’s planning to watch the highlights later" +"When. I was younger,. I had so much unprotected sex,. I didn't get the clap","I got a round of applause." +"I'm not saying China was doping during the Summer Olympics But when they take the gold, silver, and bronze it raises a lot of red flags","~credit to Steve, a real person" +"What do you call a man who is always right. Single. What do you call a married man who is always wrong","Happy" +"What do you call someone with no body and no nose","Nobody knows" +"Did you know, the Prime Minister of Israel only has two icons on his desktop","Net n Yahoo" +"Always be positive","Unless the medical tests you're getting says you should be otherwise" +"A chicken pie in Jamaica costs $2. A chicken pie in Trinidad costs $2. A chicken pie in St. Kitts costs $2","These are the pie rates of the Caribbean" +"What do squirrels pay with. Cashews","That's nuts" +"What do you call a chicken staring at a head of lettuce","A chicken sees a salad" +"Why are there police at the chemistry laboratory","Because all of the chemicals argon" +"When does a joke become a Dad joke","When it becomes apparent" +"Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me","Luckily my injury’s were only super fish oil" +"MY Grandfathers Favorite Saying. LMAO I miss him MY grandfather was more like a father to me during my teenage years. I miss him everyday, especially today. I need to share his favorite saying and I find myself saying it often. Whenever someone said something that wasn't very smart or did something well stupid, my grandfather would immediately chime in: If brains were dynamite you wouldn't have enough to blow your damn nose. Miss you Gramp","Happy fathers day out there" +"In order to be a locomotive operator","you need to train super hard" +"I drove past a store that sells trampolines today","I bet their sales are up and down." +"What do you call a computer that sings","A dell" +"The past, present and future walked into a bar","It was tense" +"How did Darth Vader know what Han Solo got Luke for Christmas","He felt his presents" +"My dad always used to pull this one","Me - Dad, I'm bored Dad - Well at least your not plank" +"Dad joked my dad We were driving through an area we hadn't been to before. Dad - Do you know where we are. Me - I'm not sure, but that Church rings a bell","He gave me a look of both pride and shame with my pitiful joke" +"What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman","Snow balls" +"How does the Avatar feel when he's made fun of","Aangry" +"It seems like every year I wind up eating leftovers from Thanksgiving for weeks afterward","Not this year though, I'm quitting cold turkey" +"Something. I really cant stand doing","Is sitting down." +"My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water”","I know he means well." +"I was screaming. It was everywhere. It was all around me. It was","My belt" +"Woman gives birth and goes into a coma The woman wakes up from her coma and the nurse explains that she has been in a coma after she gave birth to twins, one boy and one girl. The nurse says that because the woman was not able to name her children, her brother named them for her. Woman: Oh great, what did my brother name the girl. Nurse: He named her Denise. Woman: That's not so bad, what about my son","Nurse: Denephew" +"Making new headlines today","Corduroy pillows" +"A soldier in egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army","A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post." +"I contracted someone to build a chimney. I thought it'd be expensive","But it was on the house" +"My girlfriends phone was having some issues with call volume yesterday So like the title says girlfriends phone was having some issues with the volume being very low and not being able to hear me","After getting to my house, Her: Yeah it was weird, it sounded like you were really far away Me: Well we were on opposite sides of town when you called Her: Eye roll and long sigh" +"I was forcibly brought to the psych ward after I put myself into a colander for the second time","I had to be restrained" +"What Clothes does a House Wear","Address ( a dress)" +"Seven days without a pun","makes one weak" +"What do you call a lawyer that decided to become a cook","A sue chef" +"What do you call a person that looks after chickens","A chicken tender" +"I laughed while my daughter cried today Context: Today was helping at practice for a play that my 4th grade daughters class is going to put on. My daughter (Sarah) was playing a tree, and another girl (Mikayla) was playing a Deer. Right now they're all into this weird dating phase. So Sarah ran over to me sobbing. **Sarah:** Dad, Mikayla kissed my boyfriend. She is already dating Scott and Michael kissed her just now. **Me:** ***Hoe dear***, that sounds like a really ***sticky*** situation you're in. I then proceeded to start laughing while failing to control it while my daughter started bawling. The other adults looked at me like I was a demon, and I had to leave the room for a minute to control myself. Edit: Also I later realized that my daughter doesn't understand what a hoe is and thought I was just laughing at her","Don't worry, I have apologized and bought her ice cream" +"Rewatching How to Train Your Dragon with my wife During the scene where Astrid first flies on Toothless, my wife pointed out that Toothless is adorable and romantic","I said Yeah, he's one hell of a wingman" +"What’s time in Irish. >. O’clock","<" +"Whoever invented glasses","Was a visionary" +"You can tell the gender of an ant by dropping it on water","If it sinks it's a girl ant, If it floats it's boy ant" +"What’s the difference between roast potatoes and pea soup","Anyone can roast potatoes" +"I just finished watching a documentary about beavers It was the best damn show I've watched in years","Credit for this joke goes to wherever my local Pantomime stole it from" +"What the hell happened to Windows 9. When Windows 10 came out, Windows 7 8 9","(from Microsoft)" +"What do you call a Dothraki mathematician","A Khal-culator" +"What can you call a dental x-ray","Tooth pics" +"My son asked me: what does procrastination mean dad","I replied: I'll tell you tomorrow" +"I would like to tell you guys an original chemistry joke but all the good ones","Argon" +"My boyfriend was talking about his beard this morning. He said, see, it's growing on you. I just stared at him","No, silly, it's growing on YOU" +"I was about to make a joke about amnesia. But","I forgot about it" +"A dad picks up a leaf and fiddles with it until his daughter finally asked what are you doing","Dad: Turning over a new leaf" +"My grandpa used to tell this one all the time. How do you make Holy Water","You boil the hell out of it" +"UA /TP. HAV /SK. CLR /TB. LGT /IC. CLR /WV 120010 ;. UA /TP. PAP /SK. SCT /TB. MDT /WV 080025 /FL 020 ;. UA /TP. KIN /SK. OVC /TB. SVR /WV 240050 /FL 03. These are the. PIREPs of the","Caribbean." +"Where does a pirate go to learn more about ship to ship combat","Boarding school" +"A woman pregnant with twins falls into a coma. After 3 months she wakes up to hear she gave birth to a girl and a boy, and her brother named them. She asks for the girls name and is told Denise. Oh that's beautiful she replies, what is the boys name","Da nephew" +"I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went","Then it dawned on me" +"Did I just get mom joked. Me: Hey mom did you get a hair cut. Mom: No I got all of them cut","Me: -_-" +"The boyfriend got me with this one. Yesterday I stabbed myself in the palm with a knife. I showed my my boyfriend the damage, and he said What's the stigmata","-_-" +"What do you call a fat psychic","A four chin teller" +"Somebody lost control on our flight (x-post from r/funny) http://i. imgur. com/zDCLkfu","jpg" +"The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. That was a relief","Hearing that lifted a weight off my chest" +"I was sitting down using my friends laptop when she asked about the amount of battery left Hey, what's my laptop on","The couch" +"Why didn't Abe Lincoln commit crimes","Because he's in a cent" +"Granddad joke during playoff game. Grandpa: Who caught that touchdown. Me: Cobb, Grandpa. Grandpa: Doesn't he have a relation named, Corn","*collective silence and groan from rest of family*" +"What do you call. Batman when he skips church","Christian bale." +"Boots Dad-joked a co-worker today at the airport. note, boots is a shop. co-worker: why is there 2 boots right next to each other","me: one for each foot co-worker: *groan* edit: a word & formatting" +"I got fired from my job at the bank today","An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over" +"Jimmy Johns delivers. Girlfriend: Do you think Jimmy Johns would deliver here. Me: I think his Dad may. GF: His Dad","Me: Yeah, Papa John" +"Why was Matthew McConaughey so bad at Nascar","He turned alright alright alright" +"my boss is such a dad He was telling us that his compost wheelie bin went missing last night, and then suddenly appeared again in the morning but he has no idea where its been","Then he said 'it probably can't remember where its been because its had too much weed'" +"Where do volcanoes go to the bathroom","At the lava-tory" +"On FaceTime with my girlfriend before the ball drop She realized it was 11:59, and grabbed her remote trying to find the channel the ball drop is on","She failed to do so, and I made my best disappointed sigh and told her Wow babe you really dropped the ball" +"Got an old mate from Uni gooood Caught up with an old mate from uni for dinner. We were discussing our current jobs. Him: Do you get micro-managed at your new job. Me: Nah, my boss is pretty tall","😏" +"Had to remind my boys not to walk in front of their mother","They know she can't see when the sons in her eyes" +"Why can’t milk walk","Because they lactose" +"Dad- You know what they say about women with big feet. Me- What","Dad- I have no idea, I was asking you" +"A cowboy comes to his boss his ranch and says 'thats all 50 cows boss'. The boss answers 'how did you get 50. I only got 48","' The cowboy answers 'I know, I rounded them up" +"I'm always so surprised by the winds in the spring","They really blow me away" +"I walked in on a gathering of knights sitting at a round table and eating pie","It was a Sir conference" +"What part of the body dies last","The pupils, they dilate" +"I have taught well Kid 1: What causes sniffles","Non-dad parent: Lots of things- a cold, allergies… Kid 2: Or warm allergies…" +"Finally got my wife. Finally got my wife today: Wife: can you make me a salad. Me: well","I'm no magician but you're a salad" +"While driving my mom on Mother's Day Context to the story: My mom is getting some work done in her backyard. Trees are being removed and they are digging to put an in ground pool in. Story: Mom and I are driving back from an outing for Mother's Day. We are talking about the back yard and the work getting done. Mom: When the pool gets put in I'll be dirt poor. Me: But right now you're dirt rich","Mom:*look of disappointment*" +"Finishing dinner with my Dad. He didn't finish all of his food Waiter: Do you want a box for your meal","Dad: No, I'd rather wrestle, boxing is too violent" +"I have an anti itch remedy","Made from scratch" +"Think of a dark future where humanity has to take to the stars because earth is no longer inhabitable","That's unsettling" +"A quickie [dadjoke] in bed. (SFW) After a long and grueling day with our 2-year-old son mastering the art of the tantrum, my wife and I finally hit the hay. Me: Ahhh, bed. Wife: It's the *beddiest* bed in the world. Me: I couldn't have said it any *bedder* myself. - First dadjoke post for me, be gentle",":)" +"Why don't artists have to find a date","Because they are drawn to each other" +"Prepare to be bored to death Once upon a time, there was a man named Phil. Phil had just graduated High School and was going to college to be a railroad conducter. Unfortunately, he was horrible. He failed half his classes, he barely knew what a train was, and he frequently peed on the railroad tracks. Somehow, he managed to get a bachelor's degree in conducting. After college, he went to a decent job at a railroad. It had an average pay grade and everyone was relatively nice to him. It was a nice stable job, so no one knew why, on the fateful day of October 13, 2017, he snapped and killed everyone on board. He was detained and taken court, where he was almost immediately sentenced to death by the judge. His personal security guard asked him, What do you want for your last meal. Phil replied, I want a guava orange. The guard was baffled. She had no idea what the fuck a guava orange was, much less how to find one. So, like anyone who doesn't know where to find something, she got one on eBay. She brought it to Phil, who immediately wolfed it down. She then escorted him to the electric chair, strapped him in, and flipped the switch. Nothing happened. Baffled by this odd occurrence, the guard said, Well you've served your time, I guess you're free to go. So Phil reintegrated to the world and found a new job. This one was well paying and everyone there loved him, so everyone was even more baffled when he flipped out on his new co-workers. He was returned to court, sentenced to death, and the same guard asked him, What do you want for your last meal. Phil said, I'd like a guava orange. It took the guard two months to track down a guava orange this time, but she finally found one in a Baghdad market stand. She gave it to Phil, who wolfed it down and proceed to the electric chair. The guard flipped the switch - and nothing. The guard said, I guess you're free again, and released Phil into the world. He immediately got an extremely high paying job, everyone there adored him, it was perfect. At least, until he snapped yet again and killed everyone there. The judge sentenced him to death again, and the guard asked him, Let me guess, guava orange. Phil nodded, and the guard set out on her quest. It took her two years to find the very last guava orange, and when she brought it back Phil wolfed it down and sat in the chair. The guard flipped the switch and nothing happened,so she shouted, WHAT THE FUCK. HOW THE HELL ARE YOU STILL ALIVE","Phil said, I guess I'm just a bad conductor" +"Beat my dad by a second. My sister was asking what she would have recognized the actress Dinah Shore in","I replied with the Triassic period, stole the words right from his mouth" +"Hobbes was a great dad. http://imgur","com/a/Uzqz6" +"I wasn’t a big fan of having muscle when. I started weightlifting","It’s growing on me though" +"How did the pepper start a fight","He got jalapeno face" +"What kind of booze do smurfs drink","Smurfnoff" +"I asked dad to make me a sandwich he said, Abracadabra, you are a sandwich","Devastating dad joke" +"Work in CS, some old man drop this one in a call. What did the bald guy say when he got a comb for christmas","Il never part with it" +"What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving","It was too stuffed to say anything" +"How did the people behind the latest hack escape","They ransomware" +"I used to be the drummer in a progressive 80s rock band called 'prevention'. We were better than. The","Cure" +"Why don't you become a doctor","I don't have the patients" +"Overheard on the NYC subway This was maybe two weeks ago. I'm riding the subway to work when this young girl, maybe 6 or 7, looks up at her dad and says, “Daddy, what time is. ” She then hastily and *very* seriously adds, “And don't say ‘Party time’. ” It was all I could do to not laugh out loud","Nice job, dad" +"A women got a wooden breast implant yesterday. it would be a funny joke if this had a punch line","Wooden tit" +"I was thinking about opening a new doctors surgery","But then I realised that I don't have the patients for it" +"What is the difference","Between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle" +"I sued an airline for losing my luggage","I lost my case." +"Just dropped this on my dad My dad's name is Jack, he's staying over on a queen sized air mattress, and needed a blanket. We only had a king sized sheet set, so on giving them to him, I said Kings on a queen for a Jack","I think he's finally proud of me" +"I apopted a dog from a blacksmith today. As soon as","I got it home it made a bolt for the door" +"Bad Cop: Confess, or I’ll turn up the heat","Dad Cop: Don’t touch the damn thermostat" +"I was showing my daughter how to cook noodles I turned on the water and started to jog in place. She said, dad, you are not even running. But, the water is","I said" +"I'm going to make a great dad, Pokemon Go edition. I just hit my girlfriend with this (http://imgur. com/noziMVQ). Me: Ahhh there's a lure going at Antico's","(local pizza place) Her: I want a lure Me: Don't worry babe you definitely have allure Her: silence" +"What's the best part about having sex with twenty eight year olds","There are twenty of them" +"Yesterday, I bought A Pair Of Shoes From A Drug Dealer","I don't have a clue what he laced them with, but I have been tripping hard" +"How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep","Shepherds Pie" +"Friend got me at a pet store We were looking at rabbits Her: You know what the French call rabbits from Lebanon. Me taking the bait: No, what. Her: Lebanese","Took me a second and let out a sigh the likes of which those rabbits have never heard" +"I never knew Bruce Lee had a brother. I didnt know until was reading an article about him. Sadly it said he ended up getting in a car crash that left him a vegetable","Poor Brock Lee" +"One of my better ones, and it was completely unintentional Coworkers and I were talking about the cafe in our building. Some of us don't mind it, but my coworker had a complaint. > The food's alright, but he usually puts way too much salt in it. I don't use much at home though, so maybe I'm just not used to it","> I agree, but it's fine in a pinch" +"One time. I forgot how to throw a boomerang…","But then it came back to me" +"Why can't anyone keep a secret in a bank. There's just too many tellers","><" +"You ever drop a real big fart, and it makes all of the people in your vicinity laugh really hard","That's a great scents of humor" +"Two cell phones got married","The ceremony wasn't that great but the reception was excellent." +"I just randomly stumbled across a place that sells random little things in the middle of nowhere","It was quite bazaar" +"I texted my dad that I cooked a steak dinner tonight. Dad: Well done. Ha ha ha","Get it" +"I like my women the way I like my coffee","I don't like coffee" +"Why did the blind man fall in a well","Because he couldn’t see that well" +"What do you call a cow you get online","An Emu" +"I've been so bored lately that I've been sprinkling water on people's lawns in the morning","It gives me something to dew" +"Dad makes a joke thanks to an undercooked steak. My dad, mom, and I were eating at Applebee's the other night. My dad ordered his steak medium rare but when he cut into it he noticed it was very rare. The waitress took it back and a few minutes later the manager comes out with a new steak. My dad cuts into it. The manager proceeds to ask How'd it come out","My dad's reply: I won't know until later" +"What was Beethoven doing when he was sitting at the piano. Composing. But what was dead Beethoven doing when he was sitting at the piano","Decomposing" +"Needed a wii Walking through town with my daughter who has been asking for a Nintendo Wii for a long time. Daughter asks for one because she got a good report. No. Asks for one if we see it on sale. No. Asks for one if she does all her chores for 3 months straight. No. Asks for an early birthday present. I crack. Ok honey, I'll take you for a wii Arrive at public toilets and tell her to go and get one","You're not funny dad" +"The Mrs didn't appreciated this one Me: I've really got to stop confusing lord the rings and star wars with each other Mrs pj-mcshane : how can you confuse the two. Me: I don't know","Its just a force of hobbit" +"What do insects like to use to protest","Cricket signs" +"Most people hate carrying heavy luggage in an airport","I rest my case" +"My wife got shocked while making breakfast","She was egg-static" +"Dadjoked my professor in an email. My seminar professor emails us, No BioPsych today guys. We are interviewing 2017 people. (she's referring to students in Sophomore graduating year who are applying for this concentration) I respond in my email, Wow 2017 people. That's practically the size of the entire student body. Good luck","(we have a small campus) Can I be a dad yet" +"A man with authority walks into a bar","He orders everyone around" +"Why was the king only a foot tall","Because he was a ruler" +"How do you make holy water","You boil the hell out of it" +"My kid caught me off-guard with this gem. Why can't you trust Elsa with your balloon. Because she'll let it go. I couldn't be more proud","She's going to make a great dad someday" +"Wife was giving me a dirty look Me: Why are you looking at me with such disdain. Wife: This isn't a look of disdain. Me: Is it a look of that dain","She left the room" +"What do you call a cheap circumcision","A rip off" +"What did Nickleback say in the art gallery","Look at this photograph" +"So I hit my chemistry teacher with this one today In class my teacher asked So who can tell me what is special about lactones","Well they can't sing, for one" +"Get a piece of paper and write the second last letter of the alphabet","If you do it you'll see why" +"How do scientists measure things crashing into each other","A kaleidoscope" +"I dig, you dig, she digs, he digs, we dig, they dig","It’s not a long story, but it’s deep." +"What did the buffalo say when his son left","Bison" +"I know it sounds cheesy, but when I’m with my friends Colby and jack","I feel grate" +"Have you ever eaten leopard","The taste is spot on" +"I saw a hearse today carrying a wreath that spelled “Dad”","I think they left the “E” out" +"My last chess game went a bit medieval","We both went for the castle" +"Me: Ask me what I think about windmills. My mom: What do you think about windmills","Me: Big fan" +"POLCTILLAILY","That’s politically incorrect" +"Why couldn't Cinderella win the bicycle race","She has a pumpkin for a coach" +"Why’d the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test","He’s an excellent parallel Parker 😬" +"What do you call a baby horse running in circles","A Colt revolver" +"Why was the deer was looking to diversify her investments","Because she only had a couple of bucks and wanted to make a little doe" +"My chickens got really upset when their home was destroyed","But they'll recoup" +"A frenchman was counting his boats One, two, three, four, six. he says. His friend asks him what happened to five","He told him that it cinq" +"Installed a new kitchen counter top the other day","My family took it for granite" +"Why can’t the Dutch be pilots","Because they Netherland" +"What's the most commonly misspelled blood group","Type O" +"Happened a few hours ago: Hey son, neighborhood garage sale is this weekend. But don't worry, our garage isn't for sale","The house has grown pretty attached to it" +"As an amputee, I think this needs to be said about one-arm jokes","While on the one hand, they can certainly be hilarious" +"My 5 year old son got me with this one I was running outside for a minute to get something out of the car. Me: I'll be back in a sec. *goes outside, comes back in 30 seconds later* Him: Hi Back in a sec, I'm Thomas. Me: . uh . what. Him: You said you'd be Back in a sec","*Me laughing*" +"I heard Juvenile's next album is not going to be released because his studio's hard drive crashed","I guess he should have backed that thing up" +"What did the drummer name her twin daughters","Anna one, Anna two" +"What is the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts. Beer nuts cost 2","50 deer nuts are just under a buck" +"I just sold my vacuum cleaner","All it did was gather dust" +"How long does it take to make butter","An eCHURNity" +"I told my son to walk the plank","because we can't afford a dog" +"Whenever the chef is tired, he says, I need some","THYME off!" +"I heard about this popular new cemetery","People are dying to go there" +"My dad got me and my mom just now So my mom was asking me about what to get my one friend for her graduation gift. My mom asked if she would likr a really nice ring as a gift","Right away my dad responds with Well it has a nice ring to it" +"What do you call a dog without legs. It doesn’t matter","It won’t come if you call it" +"If you miss a day at beauty school","do you get to take make up tests" +"How did the lunatic find his way out of the forest","He took the psychopath" +"Son: Dad, what music did you listen to growing up. Me: Led Zeppelin. Son: Who. Me: Yeah","I liked them too" +"Dad joked my acting class this morning. My professor was talking about how people need to practice their monologues around others not just themselves. Professor: You need to practice these everywhere. Recite it to your family, your friends, your dog, even your refrigerator","Me: I don't know about that one, my fridge can be pretty cold at times" +"Two fish are swimming. One runs into a concrete wall","He look at his friend and says Dam" +"The mayor of our town has begun construction of all new sidewalks","It’s nice to see a politician make good on a concrete policy proposal" +"Q:What do you call a waffle at a beach in California. A: A Sandy Eggo","Note: my 7yo daughter told me this, her dad joke game is unbelievably strong" +"Girlfriend was wondering if her soup would be the same without thyme","Of course the only answer was only thyme will tell" +"Dad joked coworkers in the lunch line. Them: Wow, you got a lot of curry . Me: Yeah,","I got a little curried away" +"What do you call a courtroom leader with issues","Judgemental" +"If you want people to buy your product, include a picture of sperm and an egg in your advertisement","Because sex cells" +"I read a story about a typeface company. This typeface group had successfully designed upper-case numbers","It was called Capital One" +"Dad joked my sick girlfriend. Girlfriend- Do you have any cold medicine. I really hope you do. Me- I'm so sorry but I think all the medicine I have is room temperature. Boom. Melted her face. edit","Damn you swypos" +"Do you know what really gets my goat","el chupacabra" +"Told my kid she was too young to see Pirates Of The Carribean","because it was Rated-AARRRR" +"My wife is really made that. I have no sense of direction. So","I packed up my shit and right" +"There are some strange things in the world. But you want to what's really odd","Numbers that aren't divisible by 2" +"English professor after a reading assignment","Are we all on the same page?" +"What did the chef say after he made his last tortilla for the day","Well guys, that's a wrap" +"Who's ready for a dad joke-fest. What did one ocean say to the other ocean. Nothing, they just waved. Sea what I did there. In shore you did. Geez. You need some hu-manatee. Geez. My hands are tide, I can stop the puns. Can you kelp me. No need to get so dolphensive. I really like algaebra. Stop being so shellfish. Okay, ill sand it to ya, that was good Whale, kinda good. I've haddock. You served your porpoise. Don't be so crabby. Its starting to seem fishy. Don't rise to the bay-t You guys are all enenemies. I'm current-ly thinking if more jokes. I love water sea-ty. Okay, cod you give me a second. Yeah","Thats all I got" +"What do you call an ill instagram model","An influenza" +"Did you hear about the phase where people drove around wingless airplanes. Probably not, it never took off","Credit goes to my co worker, who made me cringe very much so" +"Why is the average number the most unpleasant","Because it's the mean value" +"My neighbor came knocking on my door at 2:30 am. Unbelievable","Luckily I was still up playing my bagpipes" +"What's better than a dad joke","Two dad jokes so here's the second one: there's a hole in my trousers dad: better that way than the other way around" +"My wife was eating noodles with my son","So I said, Here, eat with these chopsticks instead" +"Why couldn't the dead car drive into the cluttered garage","Lack of vroom" +"Where do people attend support groups for arachnophobes","On the web" +"I named our cat. Brexit","It doesn't know if it want to stay or go out." +"I accidentally dad joked myself. My kids are 9, 12, and 15. If they say something I don’t like I’ll often reply “don’t you [insert phrase] me","Example: Me: brush your teeth Them: ughhhh Me: don’t you ughhhh me, go brush your teeth, Tonight my 12 year old said “come onnnnn” Me without thinking: don’t you come on me They have stopped laughing" +"What's the most expensive tea in the world","Proper-tea" +"Why are real estate agents unnecessary","Most houses come with a sellar" +"What do you call a member of government interested in space","Apollotician" +"How do you make antifreeze","Steal her blanket" +"Dad: dont worry","I've already done the crossword in the paper 7 up is lemonade." +"What do you see when a duck bends over","A butt quack" +"Have you read Elon Musk's anti-gravity book","It's impossible to put down" +"Dadjoked a girl in math today We were sitting in a group and working together when a girl in the group asked, What's A1. (The problem we were working on) A barbecue sauce. - Me Haha no seriously do you have the answer. Where is it","Probably in the fridge Groans ensued" +"This subreddit is dead","Nobody has posted anything since last year." +"If things don't change around here soon","they'll stay exactly as they are" +"3D printers can print guns now. I'm not impressed","I had a Canon printer years ago" +"Cause I can't post in dad jokes A father and his son are doing a jigsaw puzzle. Father: Have you got any corner pieces","Son: Yeah I've got one here Father: Well how do you keep your glasses on then" +"How does Harry Potter get to class. Walking. JK","Rolling" +"Detective Johnson and detective Smith were investigating a murder that occurred next to a playground. The only witnesses to the murder were four children, a brother age 3 and sister age 4, and a different brother (age 7) and sister (age 8). The children all lived in a nearby apartment complex. The younger siblings lived in apartment 8D and the older ones lived in apartment 9D. Detective Johnson advised Detective Smith that she probably shouldn’t bother question 8D’s children about what they saw, since they’re too young to have a reliable memory","He believed that Smith would have a better chance of getting good information from the older children, since only 9D’s kids will remember" +"Did you hear about the trekkie that sold all his star trek merch","He was sorta stuck between a spock and a hard place" +"With the family, boxing up leftovers at an Indian restaurant. encouraging my in-laws to take what's left of the naan sample platter. Please, I insist","It's naan-negotiable" +"What did the guy with a distant Finnish ancestor say. I'm Finn","ish" +"We talk about groundbreaking inventions like electricity, and sliced bread, and television","But how come nobody ever mentions the jackhammer" +"I need to cut my nails","it's getting out of hand" +"If you are looking for a witty guy with abandonment issues","Then look no father" +"how do astronauts throw a party","They PLANET" +"My girlfriend asked how. I felt about my haircut from yesterday","I said, I didn't like it at first, but it's growing on me." +"It’s. OK to. Think one race is superior","I think the 10k is by far the best race, 5ks suck" +"Why did the cow get a promotion","Because he was out standing in his field" +"I lost my wife in the supermarket yesterday, I saw a beautiful woman and asked her if she could help me find her Sure she says but how can I help","Well if I stand here talking to you she's bound to turn up" +"I don't like hot beverages","You could say they aren't my cup of tea" +"What do you get when you take the derivative of Amazon","Amazon prime" +"I had some bumps on my arm and was going to get it amputated","The doctor thought it was a little rash" +"Flirting with a girl Me: What turns you on. Her: Spontaneity. Me: So if I spontaneously combusted that would just be like the hottest thing you've ever seen","Her: *sighs*" +"My first joke- the day my daughter was born My wife was complaining of constipation- when in reality she was in labor. Can you pick me up an enema or suppository","Without skipping a beat, I said of course- sit tight" +"I went and toured the tea factory * Where is that again","* It's right next to the S factory" +"Do you ever get the feeling of Déjà-vu","Do you ever get the feeling of Déjà-vu" +"I got a job as a human cannonball","I was fired immediately" +"Ring ring, ring ring. hello. http://i. imgur. com/qXIpkTb. jpg","It's for shoe" +"A good joke someone shared with me, appropriate for /r/unexpected. My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally’s birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game. Daddy, she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. Guess how old I’m going to be next month. I don’t know, beauty, I said as I slipped on my glasses. How old. She smiled and held up four fingers. It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours","She still refuses to tell us where she got them" +"Why doesn't Elsa care about being on the naughty list","The coal never bothered her anyway" +"How much does a pirate pay for corn","A buccaneer" +"How high are you. No, officer","It's 'Hi, how are you" +"All these sea monster jokes are just Kracken me up","This is so deep" +"What do you call a turtle crossed with a porcupine","A slowpoke" +"Goddamit dad Dad: Hey son, what's the difference between a piano, a tuna fish, and a tub of glue. Me: Dad, everyone knows this one. You can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish. Dad: And what about the tub of glue. Me: I don't know","Dad: I knew you'd be stuck on that one" +"Ever seen a demogorgon","Well I've seen Stranger Things" +"As a doctor,. I've lost all my clients for yelling at them for being late. It's true:","I have no patients." +"Mother: Honey, our son called me a bitch today","Dad: That son of a bitch!" +"Any cannibal will tell you","Everybody has different taste" +"Sir Ian Mckellen tells a dad joke. https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=YZf0Q-v3u-k" +"Sometimes, you just have to brighten up studying We were studying for class and she had to look up a word in the dictionary. She likes to speak to herself out loud sometimes when she's looking for something. Her: P. where's the P's Me: Probably in the kitchen. I got a death glare","Always worth it" +"They all hung up on me for this one. For my job in a software company we have to record a conference call with the developer and my QA team whenever we push a new project live. During the call there was a train in the background which was pretty loud coming from the developer who is named Trey. After we had finished testing i said: Hey, did anyone else hear that. What was that. My boss who was in the call said: Yea i did, it was a train i think. I let the silence hang for a bit and said: Are you sure","It sounded like a Treyyyyyyyain Immediately heard multiple groans and my boss says: Ok i'm done and leaves the call, quickly followed by everyone else" +"What does a cemetery sound like","Dead silence" +"I sometimes work from home When I'm working from home, I sometimes put a blanket over me","You could say, I work undercover" +"How does a Lego man measure his shoe-size","in square feet" +"Do you support same sex marriage. I do","I've been married to your mom and having the same sex for 30 years" +"What did the ghost say after he heard a bad joke","That was a bad joke" +"If hitler was an animal he would be","Adolf-in" +"Dinosaur joke (mildly NSFW) Why can't you hear a pterodactyl urinate","Because of its silent ''P' (I'll leave now" +"Did you hear about the bird arrested for voyeurism","He was a Peking Duck" +"I was up to my knees in snow (My dad describing a walk he went on this morning) Dad : I was up to my knees in snow on Mam Tor Me: Yeah","Cool Dad: Yes, it was *very cool* Mum: *groan*" +"What's the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break","Jumping on the bed won't make a Summer Break" +"Unexpected Dad joke during basement finishing sales training Student: Can you address outlets","Trainer: (turns chair towards wall) Hello outlets" +"What makes the sun so smart","A million degrees" +"Kid: Dad look, a school of fish. there’s so many of them","Dad: With so many of them, that’s not a school, that’s a university" +"What do you call a yam in a hotel. A suite potato","nbd just a classic dad joker" +"Why does Moe hate Bart Simpson","Because he is a Bart-ender" +"Why did the blind cat fall down a well","It couldn't see that well" +"I blew a speaker on the way over here. A motivational speaker","Left a bad taste in my mouth, but I'm feeling pretty positive about the future" +"What did sushi A say to sushi B","Wasabi" +"Why did the fruit theatre company not pick the melon to star in Romeo and Juliette","Because it cantaloupe" +"To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket","You can hide but you can't run" +"Everyone knows where the Big Apple is","But, does anyone know where the &#x200B; Minneapolis" +"I saw a porno that made me cry once","It was a real tear jerker" +"I told my dad my ethernet wasn't working. Me- Dad, my ethernet only sometimes works","Dad- I know, it *ether* works, or it doesn't" +"There are 30 cows in a field. 28 chickens","How many didn't" +"What do you get when you cross captain America and the hulk","Star spangled Banner" +"How do you make an octopus laugh","Ten-tickles" +"I know dad jokes aren't for everyone, but I thought I'd go ahead and post A Few here","A Few" +"Did you know it's legal to hunt albino deer","The law says it's fair game" +"How do you make holy water. You boil the","Hell out of it" +"My Fiancé Told Me She Bought a Dress She refused to show me a picture of it. So I replied: http://i. imgur. com/2m6q5uS","png" +"What kind of doctor fixes broken websites","A URLologist" +"At my book club, I was wondering why they were throwing Stephan King books at me","Then It hit me" +"Bill Bryson's Dad I was at an event where Bill Bryson was speaking and he told this story about his father. We were going to the San Andres Fault and when we got there we were all taking in this incredible scar running across the landscape and my father suddenly throws a quarter into the fault","When we looked at him confused, he just said, I've always strove to be generous to a fault" +"I was looking all over the store for this, But it was right here the [whole time](http://imgur","com/h8hyUdp)" +"The look on her face was priceless I was in a supermarket (not u. a) and was approached by a young girl. Her: Excuse me, could you please buy me cigarettes. Me: What. You can't buy them yourself. How old do you have to be to buy cigarettes. Her: 18 Me: Sorry then, I can't. Her: Why","Me: I am 29" +"When I told my dad, Bear with me, I'm new to this. Bear. Best I can do is wolf","Good grief" +"I have a great relationship with my recliner","We go way back" +"I must have just turned into a bike","Because I am two tired" +"The first post of 2017. Happy New Year. [I hope everyone enjoys the first post of 2017. ](http://rojrunning. com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Wooden-fence-post","jpg)" +"Dad Joked my cousin-in-law and it went completely unappreciated My cousin's husband made a post on Facebook saying, Can somebody teach me how to drive a manual. I responded, Well, there's your problem. You're supposed to *read* the manual, and drive the *car*","Crickets" +"What's the difference between a dad joke and a regular joke","It's apparent" +"I would write you a note with this pencil","but it's pointless" +"Who is the most famous actor in Greece","John Travolta" +"What did the scientist yell out to the search party when he was trapped under a sodium chloride rock","“Help, I’m under a salt" +"What do young male Spanish cows call each other","Moo-chachos" +"I had my first experience with an elevator today","Over all it was pretty uplifting" +"I didn't get it at first. tonight at dinner. Dad: I think we need to sell the vacuum. me: why do you think that","dad: It's collecting dust" +"I’m reading a love story in. Braille","It’s touching" +"I want to shave, but I can't","I keep losing my edge" +"How do you get holy water","You boil the hell out of it" +"What do large birds do when they wake up in the morning. They ostretch","Got hit with this one yesterday" +"My wife divorced me, because. I was bad at directions. Apparently,. I didn't notice when it all went","South" +"I went to a hipster Sushi restaurant","The only thing on the menu was an eye roll" +"How do maple trees tell secrets","Syruptitiously" +"What did the sofa say when it got hurt","Couch" +"What is a cannibal’s favorite dessert","Ben and Jerry’s" +"A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier. “Got any two watt bulbs. ” “For what. ” “That’ll do I’ll take two. ” “Two what. ” “I thought you didn’t have any. ” “Any what","” “Ok then" +"My daily bacon calendar dad joked me. http://imgur","com/x5iNUKD" +"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high","She looked surprised." +"Why doesn't the Pope like trigonometry","It has a lot of sin" +"My wife and I were stuck in traffic, and I said, “I’m turning round”","She said, “Stop eating so many burgers then”" +"Apparently, if your girlfriend or wife ever says: If anything ever happens to me, I want you to meet someone new","Anything doesn't include getting stuck in traffic" +"Breaking World News Germany has just warned its population of an upcoming susage and cheese shortage. They are calling it the wurst käse scenario","That is all" +"A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead. Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, Alright John","It's time to face the music" +"What kind of tree doesn't have leaves","Poultry" +"Went bowling with some friends Afterwards, when were putting our shoes back on, one friend put her shoe on the wrong foot and says: whoops. I put my shoe on the wrong foot To which I replied: it helps if you put it on the right foot","Unless it's the left shoe" +"Why was the pirate such a good boxer","He had a great right hook" +"How do crazy people travel through the woods","They take the psychopath" +"Chinese restaurant dad-joke. So we're sitting in a Chinese restaurant and we ordered spring rolls. When they arrived they were really REALLY big. My dad pipes up and says Wow, looks like they have winter in them as well. That was terrible, dad. Oh come on, there was nothing Wong with that","Two for one" +"Displaying small objects in DT class Back when I were a young whippersnapper, we had a woodworking project to create something that would let us display a small object. After a few minutes of the teacher asking us what we would display, and a large number of frankly stupid responses, he told us to stop shouting out. Then someone suggested they display some scissors. He asked Why would you want to display some scissors. Without skipping a beat I yelled out To display the cutting edge of technology","I can still see him staring at me now" +"Got my parents today. My dad was showing me the Peanut Butter Jelly Time video cause I've never seen it before","My dad: this is my jam Me: no no it's jelly" +"Wow, there truly is a subreddit for everything. [/r/everything](http://np. reddit","com/r/everything)" +"Landing a job in the moisturizer industry is tough. My advice","Apply daily" +"After my daughter was born, my sisters came to visit","I had to call pest control because we had aunts" +"At my dad's birthday he went outside to smoke. And all of his friends began to talk about how tragic it was that he was such a heavy smoker. And though it he mostly smoked at parties, it was only a matter of time before he would be smoking 10-15 a day","He was outside to smoke salmon" +"Dad is an electrician. Sent me this tonight. http://imgur","com/GRcOhEn" +"My sister just called someone a psychopath","Quick as a flash my dad said easist way to get around the county" +"Dad ordered a sandwich. Waitress: What would you like. Me: I will have the French Dip. And can I get lots of that meat juice on the side. What is it called again. Waitress: A jus. Me: Gesundheit","I tipped her well" +"I said to my boss the other day, I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father. Of course , he replied. Take the afternoon off. When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk. Well, how'd it go. Is it a boy or a girl","I dunno , I said, I'll tell you in nine months" +"Dad: What starts with a 'W' and ends with 't'. Son: What","Dad: Correct" +"Why was Thor avoiding his brother. Why was Thor avoiding his brother","He Odin money" +"I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore","Definitely time for a new keyboard" +"What kind of noises do Yoda’s sheep make","Dagobah" +"I want to create a birth control pill that you take just before sex. The pill could even be mint flavored","I’ll call them pre dick a-mints" +"In ancient. Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive","Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder" +"DENTISTS ARE ON STRIKE","Brace yourself" +"Did you hear there was a kidnapping at school","Yeah it’s fine he woke up" +"If Whoopi Goldberg and Peter Cushing had gotten married","It would be Whoopi Cushing" +"I framed a picture the other day","The poor thing is now serving 20 years for murder." +"For years, my family has always taught me that alcohol and golf don't go well together","That's why I don't drink and drive" +"No, that's. My dad used to play a game with me and my brother that was, in effect, an extended dad joke. The beginner version, when I was younger, was when I would be talking about something, my dad would intentionally misinterpret it so that we could correct him. The objective being to keep up the misinterpretation in as long of a chain as possible. Me: Dad. Top Gun is on TV. Dad: Doesn't that movie have that whiny folk singer on the radio in it. Me: . No, dad, that's Tom Petty, not Tom Cruise. Dad: Oh, I thought he was Rosanne Barr's husband. Me: No, dad, that's Tom Arnold, not Tom Petty. Dad: Oh. I thought he was that golfer. Later, once I figured it out, we moved to advanced mode , where we skip the correction and just prove that you catch the reference by making another error in response. Dad: Oh. I thought he was that golfer. (Arnold Palmer) Me: . wait, I thought that was the victim in Twin Peaks. (Laura Palmer) Dad: . no, you're thinking of the lady who was the actress in Jurassic Park. (Laura Dern) And so on. Did anyone else's dad's do something like this. Or any current dads. I currently play a version of this with my wife where she'll put on the radio and I'll intentionally misinterpret the artist. (Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody is playing, I comment to the effect of God, I love Styx","Such a great song" +"Thousands of people were fighting in the streets The news said it was a sad situation","I thought it was a riot" +"What's it called when your butt makes a mistake","Asphalt" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When the punchline becomes apparent" +"What do you call a rabbit that works at a club","A bouncer" +"How many south Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb","A Brazilion" +"Went to the air and space museum today","It was empty" +"The Chinese government donates a ton of Viagra to the Austrian government","They've heard that they can't get an election" +"Why shouldn't you get into a fight with a match","Because when you strike it, you're just firing it up" +"My cows started smoking marijuana","The steaks have never been higher" +"Why did the scarecrow get an award","He was out standing in his field" +"Did you know the first French fries where not made in France","They where made in grease" +"How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank","Just call them up and tell them you can't come" +"Boyfriend must be practicing. I put his hand on my face and then said Oh wait, ew. I don't know where your hand has been. He said Attached to my wrist","He then proceeded to laugh very hard at his own joke" +"Politicians and diapers have one thing in common","They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason" +"How can you tell when a bucket is sick","When it's a little pail" +"How much room does fungi need to grow","As mushroom as possible" +"My friend and I saw a trail of ice in the hallway At the end of it, I said The trail's run cold","I got punched for it" +"So a penguins car breaks down. So a penguin is driving around town when he car starts having some issues. Worried he pulls into a mechanic shop to get it looked at. The walrus working there needs 20 minutes to check it over so the penguin decides to waddle around to waste time and ends up grabbing some vanilla ice cream. In his delight of his snack and enjoying the sights he ends up getting vanilla ice cream all over his mouth but doesn't have anything to clean it off so he heads back to the shop since it's almost time for the mechanic to be done. Walking up to the shop the mechanic looks over to him and says Well it looks like you blew a seal oh","Says the penguin oh, no this is just vanilla ice cream" +"My wife told me to stop being a flamingo","So i had to put my foot down" +"Whatkind of whine is the best dancer","Chardonnae-nae" +"Just seen 2 old ladies get flashed by some man while they were walking down the street. One of the ladies had a stroke","the other couldn't reach" +"I met my wife when I got a job at a restaurant as a waiter","She was the kitchen hand and I found her appealing" +"What’s worse than an insult from a leprechaun","A burn from a dragon" +"I really hate to bash an entire race but","The Indy 500 is a boring event" +"Toasters","Were the first form of pop-up notifications." +"Do you know why I was sent to the coal mines as a child","Because I was a minor" +"I don't really remember the week after my eye surgery","it was all kind of a blur" +"My boss got my at work today. I work in a grocery store. My boss was stocking some shelves near me with drinks. He looks over to me and says Do you know what state has the smallest beverages. I naively respond with no","Mini soda" +"My Dad on the upcoming Sweden vs. Finland game. I don't know who will win, but it will come down to the Finnish and I guarantee when a Swedish player misses an opportunity he will exclaim all Swedish, no Finnish","and laugh hysterically" +"My wife kicked me out as she was sick of my crap Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions Don't worry","I'll return" +"How many grammar Nazis does it take to change a lightbulb","Too" +"Ran out of cat food, so the kitties got tuna","Now they’re spoiled to the alba-core." +"Ultrasound tech: So before we begin do you folks have any questions . Me: Train. A is heading east at 90mph-","Wife: Shut up" +"Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself","It was two tired" +"Why did the tomato blush","It saw the salad dressing" +"I bet my friend I could identify any bird. He pointed to one and said, What about that","I told him, Yup,definitely a bird" +"Did you hear about the viking that haggled all day and night to get the best price for his ship","It was quite an oar-deal" +"An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. &#x200B; The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. &#x200B; He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. &#x200B; When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. &#x200B; He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. &#x200B; This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, So, you've been out drinking again. What makes you say that. he asked, putting on an innocent look","The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again" +"A guy walks into a psychologists office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap","The psychologist says “I can clearly see your nuts”" +"My buddy asked me how my trip to Oklahoma was","I said, Oklahoma was OK" +"Son, did you get it. Me: Yeah as soon as I get out I'll want to stop in the Grand Canyon for a few days and hike then do the same in The Rockies. Dad: Well hiking in the grand canyons is the same as hiking in the Rockies, except the mountains are inverted. *silence* Dad: Son, did you get it","Me: Yeah, I got it" +"Father-in-law pulled this after surgery My father-in-law had a hernia surgery and was updating people on how he was feeling on Facebook. He finished by saying, My doctor is a real joker","he left me in stitches" +"What do you call a cheap cicumcision","A rip off" +"Why did a woman marry a ladle","It was good at spooning" +"My brother dropped this one just now. How do you think the unthinkable","With an itheberg" +"Someone sent me an e-mail saying. Google. Maps can read maps backwards","It’s obviously spam" +"What did the cheese say to itself in the mirror","Halloumi" +"My kid is turning into a dad My 5 year old son is walking behind a car in the parking lot, which was running","His comment: I am exhausted" +"My wife asked me to get the milk from the fridge. I asked if she wanted slim or whole. She said whole. I asked if she needed the butter, as well. She said no","She wanted the milk, the whole milk, and nothing but the milk" +"‪What do you call a drawing of a sick person","‬ An illustration" +"Son: Hey Dad, how does a sundial work. \*Dad hands Son a phone\* Dad: Ok, now just call someone. Son: Why can't you do it","Dad: Because that would be a daddial" +"That pig just asked me to do his laundry","What a load of hog wash" +"What did one Lazy Hangman say to another","No noose is good noose" +"What did pepper say when cinnamon slapped their friend","That’s a salt" +"What does your dad do for work. My dad works in a perfume factory","Ah, dad makes scents" +"I get all my jokes from a farmer","That's why they're so corny" +"I. MUST have bread with my. Indian food","That’s just naan-negotiable" +"6 was afraid of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9","Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day" +"Why did the hearing aid salesman quit his job for a life of piracy","Because he only made a good buccaneer" +"Just Heard My Little Brother Say This. My 3-year old brother was hollering up to my mother, who is upstairs. Brother: Momma, come downstairs. Mother: Just a minute, I'm getting ready. Brother: You're not getting ready, you're Momma","Found this funny, so I thought I should share it with y'all" +"How do you call a nose without a body","Nobody knows" +"Hear about the Palestinian who married the Minnesota girl. Dad: They had a son today. Me: what's they name it","Dad: Yassar Yubetcha" +"I guess you could say the most popular hand lotion for farmers","is really the cream of the crop" +"What did the snail say while riding on a tortoise. WEEEEEEEEEEEEE","(Bonus dad points the longer you draw it out with your arms in the air and/or in a public place)" +"I hate it when people butt-dial me","It is so uncalled for." +"Have you been to the restaurant on the moon","It was okay, but the atmosphere was terrible" +"First ever beer with my Dad and he hits me with a knee-slapper Me: Wow, you can tell this isn't a Lite beer","*Dad picks up the beer and puts it back down* Dad: Well yeah, it's 16 ounces" +"Statistics show a person in the US is stabbed every 54 minutes","I'd hate to be that guy" +"A noisy crow woke me up this morning","It was my wake up caw" +"What did the Atlantic say to the Pacific when they met in Panama","Merry isthmus" +"What is Dean Martin’s favorite eel","That’s a Moray" +"Got the wife with this one this morning: We were staying in a hotel room that had a balcony door that didn’t fully close which causes a lot of city noise to come in. It’s the morning and we are still in bed when she says, “I can’t stand this room. ” I reply, “Well, it’s a good thing you’re lying down","” I was then pommeled with pillows" +"I wouldn't rank the Great Lakes from best to worst","But one of them is definitely Superior" +"Going swimming. So the other day I asked Claire, a woman I work with, if she planned on going swimming in the summer. Confused she says yeah. to which I responded so you ARE Clairebouyant","(I know, this one's bad even for here)" +"My boyfriend used my character to make a joke I have a healer and I'm grinding for gear right now. Me: I'm thinking about grinding for the flip flops. Boyfriend: There are flip flops. Me: Yea dude. Boyfriend: If you get the flip flops they'll show off your heals","" +"Who did dad call when his house was infested with flies","The SWAT Team" +"What do you say when you walk into a pot shop. High. This is a real deal joke from my dad today. The first retail mj store just opened in his town","He's 60" +"What time does Sean Connery arrive to a Wimbledon match","Tennish" +"Did you hear Stephen Hawking is writing a new book on the 4th dimension","It's about time" +"Out to get Italian food with some friends last night My buddy: You know. I'm not really a big Italian guy","Me: Yeah, me neither, but that's mostly because I'm Filipino" +"There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living. There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living. He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine. Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas. You know what. No, said the executioner. I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now. Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it","I'm just a bad conductor" +"In search of spiritual enlightenment, I travelled to India and encountered a mystic sage that worshipped flat bread and flat bread only","He was a naan believer" +"What happens when you have too many dogs","You have a rover-dose" +"Studies show that 4 out of 5 men suffer from diarrhea at some point in their life","Why are 1 out of 5 men enjoying it" +"That farmer isn't just good at his job","He's out standing in his field." +"(x-post from /r/motorcycles) My bike started lagging in power, so I took it to my local mechanic. He told my timing was retarded","Somewhat offended, I asked him when would it have been a better time to bring it in" +"To the person who stoled my antidepressants","I hope you're happy" +"My dad bought me a copy of Looking For Alaska by John Green","As I unwrapped it he said, I don't want to spoil the ending, but it's to the left of Canada" +"So, I got my spine removed","It was only holding me back" +"What did the Russian say when he had to leave his friends","I Moscow" +"I'd make a pun about this app","But you've probably Reddit before" +"My mom and I were talking about my two friends, Taylor and Taylor. I was talking about their wedding last August. Apparently, it was the first time my dad heard me talk about them (or at least paid attention). Dad: If you say Taylor and Taylor real quick, does that make it. *sly grin* . Taylor Swift. Mom and I: OH MY GOD","Dad: You called" +"I don't think my girlfriend likes her shoes very much","I asked her what shoes she had, and she just went Ugg" +"What do you call a dirty window on the back side of a house","A pane in the rear to clean" +"How does an Inuit do all his DIY","Igloos everything together" +"Growing a herb garden can be tough","It's hard to find thyme for it" +"If I won $300,000, I'd give a quarter of it to charity","Not sure what I'd do with the other $299,999" +"Sister-in-law: We saw thousands of ducks this morning. They were swooping all over the place, acting crazy. Me: I guess you could say it was a","cluster duck" +"Why should you always serve Eggs Benedict on a hubcap","Because there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise" +"Gems from my daughter this evening Did you hear about the new movie, Constipation. It hasn't come out yet. & This guy went to a zoo. The only animal they had was a dog","It was a shih tzu" +"Told my dad I needed '00 flour' for baking What's the difference. Does it have a licence to mill","It's an awful joke, but live and let rye" +"My wife said to me, One of these days I'll learn to make naan in more regular shapes","Me: So what you're saying is, you're having some trouble with naan-conformity" +"I want to learn about inertia. But","I just don't know how to get the ball rolling" +"What's blue and smells like red paint","Blue Paint" +"I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armor","Actually it's probably more of a knight mare" +"Why are support characters in video games always female","Because they have high heels" +"I opened a bar for men with erectile dysfunction. It was a total flop","Nobody came" +"What country are mangoes grown in","Mangolia" +"Why wasn't the pachyderm representative taken seriously at last year's animal convention","Everyone else thought his opinions were irrelephant" +"The President has just landed in Hiroshima. The President just landed in Hiroshima, becoming the first sitting US President to do so. So I asked my coworkers, Does that mean we just dropped an Obama in Hiroshima","Don't know why I got some groans out of that" +"I was going to get waxed before heading to Australia this year for Christmas","But it's such a rip off" +"There was an earthquake in Washington DC the other day","It was obviously the government's fault" +"What’s the hardest type of tea to swallow","Reality" +"To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you","You have my word" +"Why was the wizard's girlfriend always covered in hickeys","because he's a neck romancer" +"My friend looked at my pregnant wife and said: I wonder if it isn't really hot in there, for the baby","I replied: It's likely womb-temperature." +"Scientists have come up with an artificial retina that can cure blindness","I bet nobody saw that coming." +"Today, my son asked Can I have a book mark","and I burst into tears 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian" +"Why was Luke Skywalker late to the Jedi Coucil meeting","He took an R2-Detour" +"I can't go to another state","That would be crossing a line" +"I've started taking placebo pills for my health problems","I think they're working" +"Did you hear about the guy who dipped his ballsack in glitter","Pretty Nuts" +"When. I die. I want my gravestone to say as follows:. Not appreciating my puns when","I was alive was a grave mistake" +"What do you call an Irishman who can't play guitar","Shamrock" +"Saw some summer girls today","Gotta be careful- summer 18, but summer younger" +"What's more impressive than a talking dog","A spelling bee" +"What do you call mustard native to an area","Indijonous mustard" +"I have an infrastructure fetish and. I’m not sure when or even if to tell my girlfriend. I guess. I’ll just cross that bridge when","I come to it." +"I tell a lot of desert jokes","I must have a dry sense of humor" +"Why did the scarecrow win an award","He was outstanding in his field" +"You know what the secret is for making fish jerky. Feed em’ some coffee","-Fraiser" +"What is it called if you prefer bowls over plates","Dish-crimination" +"How does a Jedi sing on the mountains","He Yodals" +"Our neighbor was attacked by mimes yesterday","They did unspeakable things" +"Sitting in the dentist chair this afternoon. Dentist *puts on surgical mask*. Me: My breath doesn't smell","THAT bad, does it?" +"my 5 year old needs glasses eye test at school said he needs glasses me:we need to make you an appointment for the eye doctor son:but i can see just fine, i can see everything me: can you see why kids love the taste of cinnamon toast crunch. son:","he didnt get it, but i got a good chuckle" +"How to birds open doors","With a turkey" +"Got my girlfriend and her roommates today with some MRI related humor. My girlfriend's friend was going to get an MRI scan and was nervous. I decided to lighten the mood. Me: Did you know that dogs can't get MRI's. GF and friends: Really. Me: No, but cat's can","They told me leave" +"What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft","A flat miner" +"Dadjokes are like clean water","Dadjokes are like clean water Only some people get it" +"Fast and furious 10’s name has been leaked","Fas10 your seatbelts I apologise" +"This one I told just to myself *upon walking into the kitchen and finding boiling water I had forgotten* Me- speaking of me not paying attention. Other me- were we speaking of me not paying attention. Me- I don't know- I wasn't paying attention","I laughed my ass off *and* groaned" +"There are 10 types of person in this world","Those who understand binary and those who don't" +"Am I the asshole in this situation. So a bit of background here, I am fully dependent on my carer. Where he goes, I go. What he eats, I have to eat too. And because of that, if he wants to eat the wrong thing, I suffer. I have no control over what he feeds us and I can't always tolerate the foods he likes. If he eats food that is too spicy, I yell at him. Like a lot. I've even made him cry a few times. But the thing is, I can't control myself. Every time I talk, it is shit for everyone in my vicinity, especially him. That's why I need him as a carer. I really tried to not give him shit for a couple weeks by not talking at all but he thought it was so bad that I did that he took me to the doctor to force me to keep giving out instead of bottling it all up. I don't know what to do. I'm literally the end point of his digestive system","Am I the asshole" +"What's orange and sounds like a parrot","A carrot" +"Why does the Norwegian military have barcodes on the side of all their ships","So they can Scandinavian" +"How does the moon cut his hair","Eclipse it" +"How do the sisters feel about the latest sex scandal in the Catholic Church","They're nun too pleased" +"MOM: How do I look","DAD: With your eyes" +"TIL: A human fart could be louder than a trombone","I wish I didn’t learn that fact during my daughter’s school concert" +"I told the local beaver that I wanted his home and I wasn't going to pay him for it","He told me, I'm sorry, I just don't give a dam" +"Why didn't the circle go to college","It already had 360 degrees" +"What do you call an onion that got what was coming to it","Karma-lized" +"Australian crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet","Most only grow 4" +"What's the difference between an. American horse and a. Canadian horse","One says neigh and one says eh" +"What did the pirate say on his eightieth birthday","Aye Matey" +"Dad joke Wendy's Wanna know why Wendy's hamburger patties are square","Because Wendy's doesn't cut corners" +"Did you hear about the herbalist that got a felony charge","They're doing hard thyme" +"I told my dad. I want to see. Spider-Man:. Far. From. Home","He said, But son, it's the same film if you watch it here." +"My son asked what happened to Annoying Orange","I said, He became President" +"What is Mr T's favourite month. APRIL","Fools" +"My dad got me good and was so proud of himself I was spelling out the name of a Japanese restaurant over the phone that I was going to order from Me: Y-a-m-a-f-u-g-i Him: What was the first letter again","Me Y Him: Because I couldn't hear you Me *groan* Him HAHAHAHA" +"What do you call a tree walking on the middle of the road","A pedesTREEn" +"A dad got dad-joked by his own daughter Took the kids to a bug museum this weekend and was walking behind this other dad and his kids for a good bit of the time. When we get to the leaf cutter ant exhibit, my three year old loudly says something to the effect, Look at all those ants. The dad turns around and says, smugly, How do you know they aren't uncles. My kids groan, his kids groan, all in a dad's work, right. Then his daughter, who was probably 8 or 9, pipes up, Well, Dad, since they're all female, it's safe to say that are, in fact, aunts. Her timing was impeccable","She's going places" +"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh","10 tickles" +"Asked my coworker what he was eating for lunch","He responded, Macaroni and cheese with beef in it I said, Sounds good He puts his ear to it, responds, idk, doesn't sound like anything to me" +"When is a door not a door","When it's ajar" +"I just made a list of pho places. I want to try","It's a real pho queue." +"Girlfriend went to a zoo. There was only one animal there, a dog","It was a Shizu" +"What did the Russian king say to the poor peasant","I’m Tsar-y" +"The best thing about all the stuff Jesus gave to the poor, is that he gave it all to them for free","You could say it was Jesus Priced" +"What do you call the CEO of Space X in jail","Felon Musk" +"I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips. 'Are you the friar. ' I asked him. 'No, I am the chip monk' he replied. Edit : Holy crap . More than 1K updoots for a silly joke . Thanks guys","I am not sure whether to be proud or ashamed of myself" +"Everybody laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian","Well, they aren't laughing now" +"Why do hummingbirds hum","Because they don’t know the words" +"Finding your lost luggage at the airport should be easy","However, that’s not the case" +"My wife just stopped and said “Are you even listening","” And I thought, “That’s an interesting way of starting a conversation”" +"My pet aquatic mammal died today","Now my life has no porpoise." +"What did one door say to the other door on the first date","You look adoorable" +"A man is buying milk at a grocery store The cashier asks, would you like a bag for your milk","The man responds, no, just leave it in the carton" +"Artie the Contract Killer (long) A man was very unhappily married and tired of being in debt. So he figured out a way to resolve both of his problems with ease. He started by taking out a life insurance policy on his wife, naming himself as the sole beneficiary. Then, he spoke to a friend, who had a friend, who knew a guy who made people disappear . He met with the gentleman, Artie, and they set up the plot to murder his wife. Artie said it would only be $5,000, but he wanted it upfront. The man, not having much money, opened his wallet and showed Artie the lone one dollar bill. Reluctantly, Artie took the dollar as a down payment. A few days later, Artie followed the wife into a grocery store, and back to the deli section. There was no one else around, so Artie took the opportunity to strangle her to death. Just as he was laying her body down, the manager walked out to witness this scene. Not wanting to leave any witnesses, Artie murdered the manager as well. Unbeknownst to Artie, the store's security witnessed all of this unfold from the hidden cameras around the store. By the time the manager was dead, the police had arrived and arrested Artie","The following day, the front page of the local newspaper read, Artie Chokes Two For One Dollar at Your Hometown Grocery Store" +"Me and my dad making fresh lemonade. Me: Look, these lemons were imported from Israel","Dad: Yeah, that's probably why they're so juicy" +"My dad finally figured out the meaning of. WTF. Wednesday. Thursday. Friday. EDIT:","Indeed, this came out of my dads mouth like he'd been waiting to say it all day." +"What did the tree say to the lumberjack","**I’m falling for you **" +"What do you call it when you eat a tiny bit of another person","A cannibble" +"*Wife looks at pile of my shoes on the floor. * Honey, could you put your mountain of shoes away. It's not a mountain","It's really more of a foothill" +"What happened to the Native American who drank too much tea","He drowned in his tea pee" +"What do houses eat when they forget to brush their teeth","Apart-mints" +"Last night, I had a dream that I wrote the Hobbit","Apparently I was Tolkien in my sleep" +"What is the oldest animal in the world. The Zebra","It is still black & white" +"Why does Alaska give its residents free money","Because they don't want anyone left out in the cold" +"A complete set of instructions for riding an escalator:","Step 1." +"I'm pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far","I've got 12 fridges" +"Dad and son passing by a farm. Dad: Hey look. Its a flock of cows. Son: Dad, herd of cows","Dad: Of course I have heard of cows, theres a whole flock of them" +"How did Harry Potter get down from the hill. He came flying. Jk","Rolling" +"Two snowmen decide to have cake for dessert. One snowman spits some out saying it tastes like boogers. The other snowman says","Well, it’s carrot cake" +"Today. I actually saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall","I thought to myself, now that’s a little condescending" +"What does a pirate say when he turns 80","Aye Matey" +"PSA. Beware of towels","Studies have found they are 90% responsible for causing dry skin!" +"I’m planning a trip to the. Farsi-speaking part of. Ontario. I’ve always wanted to visit the. Persian","Guelph" +"Son got me good yesterday morning Yesterday morning at 10am my kids came to wake me up for family day. I'd worked late the night before and I was pretty groggy and completely dehydrated. Son: Time to get up dad. Me: I'll get up, but could you go grab my water bottle and put some cold water in it. *(2 minutes pass while his sister jumps on my head)* Son (with special grin on his face): Here you go, Dad. *(I take the bottle and cautiously take a sip. I get a little dribble of water and realize the whole thing is full of ice. )* Me: . Son: You asked for cold water, you didn't specify ***how*** cold. Me:","that's my boy" +"Why are the Irish risky gamblers","Because they’re always Dublin’ down" +"I asked a hot contortionist if she'd be free to go out on a date in the next few days","She said she'd love to and she's very flexible" +"Did you hear they found a mummy without bandages","Archeologists think they started the mummification process, but didn't have time to wrap it up" +"Two cowboys are in the kitchen, which one is the real cowboy","The one sitting on the range" +"What was the first thing the monster ate after getting his teeth cleaned","The dentist" +"I guess. I have hipsters to thank for this one. My dad was just flicking through a gadget magazine and was scoffing at the music section:. Dad: It's weird how turntables have made a comeback,. I remember a few years ago you couldn't even give them away . Me: Yeah,","I guess the tables have turned" +"Why did the sailer ground his son","His grades were below C level" +"Rick's dad jokes are the best (x-post from r/funny) http://imgur","com/gallery/YtNd0" +"I decided to install a new water heater today","It's a tankless job, but someone has to do it" +"Which of King Arthur's knights built the round table","Sir-cumfrence" +"Why did Stalin always write in lowercase letters","Because he hated capitalism" +"I'm a Bit of an Airhead. (Dad Joke Courtesy of My Mom) Whenever I have a lot of school work to do in a short period of time, I like to get a bag of candy to munch on while I work. Today I have a big essay to write, and since my mom was already out I decided to ask her to pick some up for me. Me: Can you pick up airheads for cramming purposes. Mom: Wouldn't smarties work better",";P" +"I don’t know we call childbirth “delivery”","Shouldn’t it be called “takeout”" +"The. Sahara","Desert drifts into a bar and the bartender says… Long time no sea." +"Whats the loudest Pet you can get","A trumpet" +"Yes If I have twin daughters, I’ll name one Kate","&#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; And I’ll name the other DupliKate" +"Dad walked into my room this morning A bit of context - our neighbour who lives a floor below us complained yesterday that there was a leak in our flat that was damaging his ceiling and walls; my dad has been frantically searching for it in our bathroom all day I was browsing reddit when I hear my dad shout: I've found it. casvanr","I've found the leak He then strolls into my room with a smug grin on his face, holding the vegetable I threw a book at him" +"My 7yo Dad Joked my wife this morning. He was doing some spelling words for home work. The first word was . Great To which he replied - Oh, Thanks Mum but can we do spelling now","I laughed so much" +"Spanish Class At the dining room table, younger sister is talking about her intro to Spanish class and I passively mention I was never really good at rolling my r's. Right after I say this, my stepdad begins sliding in a circle in his chair. When I finally say What are you doing","he responds: I'm rolling my arse" +"Dad joked a coworker today. I work in a grocery store while in college, specifically the bakery portion of it. On of my coworkers was looking at the pies and said, That pie is not made with sugar, that's sacrilegious. , to which I replied, No that's sucrose","Groans for days" +"Last week, my friends and. I ate way too much dim sum","You could say we ate sum dim sum and den sum" +"I drive around and sell pies. Key Lime for $6 and Pecan pie for $8. Those are the pie rates of the car I be in","(I married two old jokes together, I hope that’s ok)" +"Why do French people only have one egg for breakfast","Because one egg is un oeuf" +"True story: I just had my first baby and asked my parents what they would like to be called as grandparents. My mom thought about it and said You guys can call me Grammie. My dad, without missing a beat, said Well then I guess you can call me Oscar","/r/granddadjokes" +"Last night. I dreamed. I was weightless","I was like 0mg" +"Got my son Any time my son groans or sighs, I consider it a win. When I came home from work today, he asked if I had an email from Club Nintendo, as he was waiting for a redemption code. I did and I printed it for him. I handed it to him and showed him the Wii U code was on one page, and the 3DS code was on the other. He looked at it and said, That's odd I replied No, it's even. There are two pages. -pause- Son sighs","Loudly" +"What's a tree's favorite dating app","Timber" +"Where do birds go to get drunk","The Crowbar" +"Not knowing much about eggs. Text to dad: Dad, how do I get an egg white","Reply: Make sure both of its parents are caucasian" +"I was going to make a joke about memory loss","But I forgot it" +"Guy in the theater in front of me I was watching Ant-Man yesterday and of course they play the Please silence your phone ad prior to the previews. Guy in front of me pulled out his cell phone, held it up to his face and said Shut up phone","I laughed, others groaned" +"Where do fruits go on vacation","Pear-is" +"The next iPhone won't be a failure","In fact, it will be a 6S" +"Co-worker got this text from her dad A flock of terns landed a field of medical marijuana. A vet went out to check on them","He found no tern unstoned" +"Why couldn't the lady bug hear what one aphid said to another","It was a pest aside" +"What do you call a person with poor hearing. Q: What do you call a person with poor hearing. A: What","Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A PERSON WITH POOR HEARING" +"My 7yr old son is getting a jump start on being a dad We were parking and I read the street sweeper sign out loud Me: Monday 930-11am Son: it's Thursday Me: ya I know I was just reading the sign Son: I was talking to the sign, not you Me: signs don't speak English Son: I know, they speak sign language","Edit: My lazy ass logged in and fixed the formatting" +"What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on my front porch. Mat. my father loves these jokes back in the day","whos familiar with them all" +"I wrote this while laughing at my daughters eye rolling. To the tune of Row row row your boat. Roll roll roll your eyes because you are a teen","Your Mother and Father are very dumb and you know everything" +"My dad walks up to the counter with a bag of ice. Cashier: Is that all for you today. Dad: Yes thank you. Cashier: Would you like this in a bag","Dad: No thanks, it's already in a bag" +"Why didn't the life guard save the drowning hippie","He was just too far out man" +"Dad in emergency room. My mom fell the other day and i met him at the ER where my mom was already taken back at this time. I asked him what happened and told me It's not looking good, your mom broke her butt. I asked how do you know if they didn't do a x-ray yet. and as soon as i said that i knew it was coming. My dad goes There's a crack in it","I had to let out a sigh of relive and just embarrassment to find out my mom just wanted to get checked out and the ER was the only thing available at the time" +"why do people go to bed","because the bed doesn’t come to you" +"Me, to my wife: Do you want to have dinner with one of the Imperial rulers of Germany","Her: I’m not going to Burger King again" +"Three Amigos dad joke https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=A1F0e6e-b50" +"Got my girlfriend the other day while spooning She was the big spoon. She says to me: no farting allowed. My response: how about a-quiet. - edit: For those asking: allowed sounds like a loud as in a loud fart","a quiet would be a quiet fart ie: silent but deadly" +"I had a strange dream last night that I was a muffler","I woke up exhausted" +"What do you call a tired tornado","Winded" +"I like my milk the way. I like my epiphanies","When they just a curd." +"When. I first got my universal remote. I thought","This changes everything." +"Have you been eating donuts and driving","Your eyes look glazed" +"The doorbell rings while watching TV with my daughter how is leaving for college in a couple of days When I got back from the door she asks, “Who was it","” I said, “It was a pest control company but I told them we didn’t need them because mine is leaving on Monday”" +"Guilty. What do you call the cat that was caught by the police","The purrpatrator" +"My friend asked if all sentences had to contain vegetables","I said not necessecelary" +"Did you know. Jesus drove a Honda. I did not speak of my own accord","- John 12:49" +"What’s similar between an old tree and an old dog","They both have an aged bark" +"Did you hear about the FBI director","I guess we should've seen this Comey-ing" +"My wife asked why the remote was between us in bed last night","I told her so I could turn her on" +"I once had a job crushing cans","It was soda pressing" +"My sister put all her dolls in a line. It was a","Barbie-Queue." +"What do you call a cow with no legs","Ground beef" +"How did the Sushi cook greet the bee","Whazzup, Bee" +"I was hit by an unmaned vehicle today","The woman driving apologized profusely." +"Did you hear about the criminal who was a real fruitcake","He finally was given a trial by his pears" +"How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas","He felt his presents" +"What'd they say about the short-tempered doctor who went out of business","He didn't have enough patience" +"Which digital payment system does the pope use","Paypal" +"Road signs I kept seeing signs on the highway that read, WATCH FOR ROCKS AND WILDLIFE, and kept thinking to myself, that's a bizarre trade","Surely I'd have some eye rolls if I wasn't driving alone" +"What is the difference between a cat and a frog","A cat has 9 lives, but a frog croaks every day" +"The topology of Luxembourg is beautiful","It's just gorges" +"Cooking meat at high temperatures quickly was invented in the middle east. By the","Syrians." +"An old man with dementia told me a joke once","I forget what it was" +"Washing your hands. My parents are redoing the bathroom, so the vanity was in the living room. Talking to my mom about her broken Fitbit. Her: I had it charging all day, and it won't connect to my phone. I tried to use the sync- Me: but it's sitting on the couch","Her: *shamelessly shakes her head and high fives me* I'm gonna be good at this whole dad thing" +"What does a cold bear eat","Brrrr Grrrs" +"A slice of apple pie costs $2. 50 in Jamaica, and $3. 00 in Bermuda","These are some of the pi(e)rates of the carribean" +"It's impossible to get a reservation in the library","They are always fully booked" +"Caught my dad red handed on a Facebook post. Post: (optical illusion type situation) How many water melons are in this picture. Everyone else: Numerical guesses","My dad: all of them The people over at r/funny didn't get it- I hope you guys can appreciate it" +"French guy, showing off his yacht collection: This is Un. Here is Deux, Trois, Quatre and, finally, Six. Her: Where is the 5th","French guy: Cinq" +"The only thing flat earthers have to fear","Is sphere itself" +"I usually bail out on my dermatologist appointments","I'm so flaky" +"What do you call it when a tree betrays its own soil","Treeson" +"Guy in front of me pulled a quick one There's a guy in line talking to a lady who pulled out a big wad of cash. He says, oh is that for me. The lady says, no this is bill money. He returns with, well I'm Bill where's my money","I giggled and went about my day" +"Our alphabet is pretty racist 25 of the letters are not","Zs." +"I've had a hard time figuring out why. I don't consider cottage cheese truly cheese","But it's just a curd to me" +"You know how I know it was raining cats and dogs","I’m standing in a poodle right meow" +"A pirate walks into a bar with a ship’s wheel in his pants The bartender says “did you know you have a ships wheel in your pants","The pirate says: “Arr, it’s drivin me nuts" +"I was watching the news with my son and they said that Elton John has put on so much weight recently, he will have to have pants made specially for him","I chuckled and said, So now he'll sing, 'Goodbye normal jeans'" +"My brother got fired from the mortuary for kissing the dead on the throat","Turns out he was a neck romancer" +"A good pun is like bread","It always rises to the occasion" +"Conjunctivitis","com Now that's a site for sore eyes" +"What did the hooker buy from the furniture shop","One night stand" +"How do astronauts keep outer space clean","With a vacuum cleaner, of course" +"Did you hear Yoko Ono opened a dry cleaner specializing in bathroom laundry","She's calling it John Linen" +"Dad jokes meet dog jokes [SFW] Do you know why redwood is the favorite tree species of every dog","It has the thickest bark" +"Got the whole council with this one. I am on the city council and we had a workshop about why utility rates are lower inside the city compared to outside. It came down to this: 1. No study was done to show the validity of the difference. It was strictly a policy decision with an arbitrary number. The reason for this approach was simply that it is standard in the industry and because it is what every other city does . Prefacing that I was a dad so I had to say it: I suggested the rational wasn't the most sound since just because every other city jumped off a bridge, it didn't mean I wasn't going to jump off a bridge","Mixture of groans and laughter" +"I didn't realise it was almost sunrise","But then it dawned on me." +"My dad walks in glowing with his new bald hair style: Me: Oh, you got a haircut","Dad: *stops smiling and states* No, I got them all cut" +"What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller. “Curses","Foil again" +"I was rewatching Pulp Fiction last night and I realized that Jules drops a classic dadjoke. In the scene where Jules and Vince break into the Brett and his friends' apartment toward the beginning of the movie to recover Marcellus's briefcase, the conversation goes as follows: Jules: What country are you from. Brett: What. What. Wh - . Jules: What ain't no country I've ever heard of. They speak English in What. . ***Win","***" +"My dad is a terrible breadmaker","Sometimes he gets very crustrated and just gives up, only to rise to the occasion a few hours later" +"When I was asleep, my best friend whom I'd trust with my life robbed me of everything except the shoes on my feet","He left me with trusty shoes" +"A humerus story: My dance partner dislocated my arm","She told me that she was not going to shoulder all the blame and that it was a joint effort" +"I went to army boot camp and. I got in trouble for skipping camouflage training","The instructor said he'd never even seen me in the classroom." +"Its Father's day [I'm using it all day](https://pics. onsizzle. com/Instagram-00d154","png)" +"My mother ladies and gentlemen. So this one just happened. I made the mistake of telling my mother I heard Amtrak had a few job openings. To which says, Well they do have a high Turn Over rate","( •_•)>⌐□- □ ( ⌐□_ □)" +"Not my dad, but my band director who is a dad So I have a class where I sit in the band hall and practice my instrument, and near the end of class I looked at the clock and noticed that the bell should have rang already (at 10:40). I checked my phone, and it was only 10:37. The conversation went like this: Mr. Band director, that clock is ahead. No, that clock is a clock. (I didn't get it) What. No it's ahead. No, your head is a head. That is a clock. I persisted (because I STILL didn't get it) and he said to the other people in the room can we all agree that that is a clock, and not a head. I finally got it, and said It's a clock, but it's also ahead - like one word - ahead. No, the clock is running fast, but it is not a head","My friend - it can't run because it doesn't have any legs" +"Dadjoke in the oil field I heard over the radio that someone didn't put their last name on their driver's log","Frank, how do you spell your last name With letters" +"This sub has disappointed me for the last time. I guess","I’ll get meatballs next time." +"If being sexy is a crime. Then","I'm a law abiding citizen." +"Railroad crossing without any cars, can you spell that without any r s","T H A T" +"How to Make People Like You **I thought I found the perfect self help book How to Make People Like You","** **It turned out to be a book on cloning" +"Can you Spare a Rib. At the grocery store with my wife and we walk past the meat counter. Me: Oh these ribs must be the extras. My Wife: Huh. What are you talking about. Me: The package says they are Spare Ribs","My Wife: Oh geez, you really need to stop" +"Did you hear about the lady recently diagnosed with color blindness","They asked her if she was surprised to which she replied I had no idea, it came out of the yellow (My Dad read this in his AARP magazine today)" +"How to determine an ants sex All you need in a glass of water. If the ant sinks to the bottom it’s a girl ant","If it floats it’s a buoyant" +"What did yoda say when he saw himself in 4k","HDMI" +"What do you call a blunt toothpick","Pointless" +"Why did the invisible man reject the job offer","He couldn't see himself doing it" +"Took me a while to get it My dad and I were testing each other on our spelling, and it was his turn to spell a word I told him. Me: Spell Mississippi. My Dad: Mrs. ippi. Me: What. My Dad: Think about it","Me: *groans*" +"Do you want to know how much money the school carnival made","It was a Fair amount" +"Ladies and gentlemen, my next song is entitled 'Subtraction'","Take it away" +"Dadjoked a co-worker. She was saying that her dream was to move to Italy to teach abroad","I replied, just one" +"Where do fish keep their money","In the riverbank" +"How did the surfer get lost at sea","He was too far out man" +"Why did the old woman fall into the well","Because she couldn’t see that well" +"I haven’t slept for nine days","I have a hard enough sleeping for nine hours as it is" +"I saw this bear on the north and the south pole","I guess it's a bipolar bear" +"I bought Genoa salami from the store and got this text from Dad. http://imgur","com/AEaLVgH" +"What does the baby corn call his dad","Pop corn" +"The donut shop got robbed","The burglars said they chose it because the shop was rolling in the dough" +"I was asked if. I got a haircut today. I said no,","I got them all cut" +"How do chicken farmers count their eggs","With an eggsel spreadsheet" +"Why are there two d’s in Reddit","Because one is a repost" +"This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it","It’s really hard to pull off" +"My barber was arrested for selling drugs","I've been going to him for 10 years and had no idea he cut hair." +"Here it comes. DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my. Who. DAD: Uh, I can't remember. I think her name was Reese something. MOM: WITHERSPOON","DAD: No, it was with a knife" +"One of my grandpa's jokes Do you offer a Spanish discount. Huh","Señor Citizen" +"Where do animals go to learn brain surgery","The Hippo Campus" +"I'm good at cooking eggs","I'm an egg-spert" +"What does an empty room and a room full of married people have in common","You can’t find a single person in it" +"Hey honey, I'm pregnant. Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad","No you're not" +"My mother was horrified when she found out my dad fell out of a window","It's okay, he assured her that it was totally paneless" +"I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger","And then it hit me" +"Grocery shopping with Dad Dad, do we have crackers at home","No, we're crackalackin" +"What do you call a parrot when he can't fly","A walkie talkie" +"My dad on a large file his colleague sent him His colleague sent him a file that was 504mb, so my dad said it might take a while to download (they were on the phone). His colleague said nah it won't be so bad right, you have an Apple too right. My dad responded yeah but it's an old apple, a granny smith","He was very pleased with himself" +"Why are ghosts so popular at parties","Because they bring all the boos" +"Midwives are the greatest","They really help people out, ya know" +"I love telling dad jokes","Sometimes he laughs" +"If you're born on Earth Day, then it's your B-Earth-Day","Ba-dum-tss - Yes, I'm born on Earth Day - Yes, I also posted this in r/Showerthoughts - Yes, no one asked for the above answers" +"I began reading a horror story in Braille","Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it" +"What kind of music is scary for balloons","pop music" +"What do you call a man who can’t stand","Neil" +"I love telling dad jokes","But he never laughs." +"I watched a documentary on how they made fighter planes in ww2 it was riveting","I hope this joke generates lift" +"I went on a date with a girl. Nunavut once. She wanted to take it to the next level, but. I wasn't really","Inuit." +"A dad joke is a dad joke. Unless it's corny","Then it's popcorn" +"What are they calling that new diet pill developed by a team of Greek and Iranian scientists","µ-slim" +"On a plane getting ready to take off. When the flight attendant says that she needs a verbal yes from those sitting in the exit aisle if they are willing to participate. I hear this middle aged dad behind me","Verbal Yes" +"I am all for the. March of. Science. But. I can't help but wonder what it's doing in","April." +"Why is there always a gate around cemeteries","Because people are always dying to get in" +"Out-dad joked my dad about car names the other day My parents were visiting me, and my mom's been looking at a new vehicle, specifically a Toyota Rav4. As she's not the most tech-savvy, she got one of the paper brochures from the dealership about the features available. Being marketing literature for a small SUV, there were plenty of pictures of people running, hiking, and being active. My dad looks at it and goes: so is this the Toyota for runners. I immediately said No, that's probably the Toyota 4runner . My mom cracked up","My dad just groaned" +"What is the typical audience of a dadjoke","A groan-up" +"Father in law just said this one to my pregnant wife My wife is pregnant and talking about how much she weighs now but we don't have a scale so I asked her how she knows her weight. She said she gets weighed every checkup at the doctors","Her dad: do they have a weigh-ting room" +"What do you call a fisherman that doesn't share","Shellfish" +"You can tell I’m a dad based on my jokes","I guess that makes me a groan man" +"What's a pirate's favorite letter. You'd think it's argh","but it's the SEA, matey" +"What did the egg tell the comedian","you crack me up credit to my friend’s aunt, what a great joke" +"Ill never get back to my orginal weight. Girlfriends uncle was talking about a gym membership and goes yea I don't think I'll get one","Because I'll never get back to my original weight of 6 pounds 2 ounces" +"Patient to therapist: Doc, I keep dreaming of a wigwam; then a teepee. Then a wigwam, then a teepee","Therapist: Obviously, you're just two tents" +"When I was a teenager, I disliked my beard so much","But it kinda grew on me" +"Google dadjoked me http://i. imgur. com/5TOWoWf","png" +"How does a crazy person walk through a forest","He takes the psychopath" +"My friend said I was immoral","I replied, I prefer amoral, but clearly you're the moral authority" +"How much does a hipster weigh","An instagram" +"Good one from my dad: I can cut wood by just looking at it Came up during a conversation about having a bonfire Dad Here's something you might not have known about me, I can cut wood by just looking at it Me, fully expecting a dad joke: I don't believe you but would you care to elaborate Dad: Its true","I saw it with my own eyes He giggled to himself for about 10 minutes after that one" +"How does a lazy karate instructor announce himself","Hi, Ya" +"What’s a moth’s life motto","Always look on the bright side" +"There are so many advantages to living in Switzerland","For starters, their flag is a big plus" +"So what if I can’t spell ‘Armogeddon’","It’s not the end of the world" +"Why do astronauts use linux","Because you can't open windows in space" +"What do you call a person without a body or a nose","Nobody nose" +"What do you call it when Batman skips church","Christian Bale" +"What is soft and furry, says Meow, and is filled with cement. The answer is a kitty cat","I just put the cement in to make it hard" +"Waitress: Are you ready to order guys","Me: I’ll pass on the guys and order a burger" +"Coworker had this gem today Some coworkers and I use the Jeopardy daily calendar to play Jeopardy throughout the year. The following just happened","Me: The new category is Geology Coworker: Finally, a category that rocks" +"What did the table say to the chair","Dinner's on me tonight" +"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with","But I was trippin all day" +"What rhymes with orange","No it does not" +"Everyone knows santa is European right","North Polish to be precise" +"My grandpa made the best dad joke about my tattoo. Told him","I was getting a jellyfish, he responded with that's gonna sting" +"While my mom and I were washing my dog. I was lathering him with soap. Mom: make sure and get his tail Me: I already did Mom: oh really. Its hard to tail Her staring at me with the dad smirk til I laughed. Never have I been a more proud son","Thanks for being a great dad, Mom" +"My Grandma was talking about the good old days and said “in my day we could leave the door unlocked and not worry about it. ” and “we grew up with nothing but we were happy”","I replied “Well Grandma, I hate to break it to you, but you grew up with nothing because you kept leaving the front door unlocked" +"My daughter will be a great dad someday Last night, I tried to tell my 10 year old daughter the classic Kangaroo walks into a bar joke. For those who are not familiar, a version of [this](https://np. reddit. com/r/Jokes/comments/60rmyj/long_a_kangaroo_walks_into_a_bar/). I got to the point where the Kangaroo orders the first beer, and my daughter interrupted me with let me guess - the beer wasn't hoppy enough. Nope","But I like the way she thinks" +"Boy: “Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is","” Dad: “No sun”" +"My friend with a foot fetish got caught cheating on his new wife","Guess he was getting off on the wrong foot" +"I regret buying a boomerang with teeth on my recent trip to Australia","It came back to bite me" +"My son was making breakfast for the first time and he distraughtly asked me, How do you stop the sausages from curling in the pan","I smiled and advised… Well son, just take away their little brooms" +"Are the security guards at rubber ball factories","Known as bouncers ?" +"There was once a dad who created a Facebook page He named it Dem Apples. He then made a separate account and asked his child on how to show support to this page: How do you Like 'Dem Apples'","Edit: A word" +"How do you think the unthinkable","With an itheburg" +"Was driving with my dad earlier today As we were driving, we saw a car on the side of the road that looked as if it had broken down. Dad: I guess it wont start Me: That looks like a bummer","Dad: Looks more like a Mercedes Benz to me" +"Where do toy stores keep their Terminator action figures","Aisle B, back" +"My Dad went to McDonalds where they messed up his order","He told me, Looks like they made a McStake" +"How'd the farmer meet his girlfriend","He tractor down" +"What my dad says every time we drive by a cemetery","People are just dying to get in there" +"Drinking a Jones soda when my dad dropped this one on me So just in case you don't know, Jones sodas have a little fortune inside the caps, and every one is different. So I was drinking it and I decided to check what the cap said. It said Call your mom. So I said I guess I should call her, huh. To which my dad (who's mom is dead) replies Good thing I didn't get that cap","I'd have to yell awful loud" +"Why do cows have hooves and not feet. Because they lactose","Side Note: Some of you will get this joke, others are just intolerant" +"Once upon a time a had a pair of jeans that I cut off at the knee in summer","There you go, a short story" +"I went to the doctor because the back of my foot hurt","He said it could be months until it heels" +"Which state has the smallest sodas","Mini-Sota" +"My dad just went to get some iced tea","claimed he needed to go on a *Brisk* walk" +"I had a dream last night I was a muffler","I woke up exhausted" +"Why doesn't anyone like the average math problem","Cuz its mean" +"Why does the Pope hate fishing. Because he has a holy boat","Sorry, baby is due in January and figured it's time I start working on my dad jokes" +"Christmas Dad Joke My Dad told this one a few months ago during a family dinner. During the Cold War, an American ambassador and his wife were having dinner with a Russian ambassador and his wife. The meal was going well and everyone was having a good time until the American looked out the window and commented on the weather, Looks like it is snowing outside. The Russian, named Rudolph, replied, No, it's definitely raining","The debate went on for a few minutes and became quite heated until finally the American's wife spoke up and said, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear" +"What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb","You can unscrew the lightbulb" +"You know what the best part of Switzerland is","Well, the flag is a big plus" +"If the silver surfer and iron man teamed up","They would be alloys." +"[Remembered a gem from last year] Wife brought home a couple of Halloween costume options last year. Her: This costume is my first choice","But I got this sexy Bee costume just in case the other one doesn't look right Me: So would you say that your back-up costume is your plan Bee" +"Went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage","The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity." +"Just got back from working in China for two weeks","And I feel a little disoriented" +"Royal etiquette: If Queen Elizabeth accidentally burps during dinner, the other guests must pretend that nothing happened","Because Noble Gases shouldn’t have any reaction" +"Dad dropped this one in the steakhouse yesterday Waiter: Good evening","Dad: Good evening, its very nice to *meat* you" +"I really hope scientists perfect the idea of human cloning soon","Otherwise I won’t be able to live with myself" +"Why was 6 afraid of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9","Because you are supp to eat 3 square meals a day" +"What does an Englishman call a deer which has no eyes","No idea" +"What did the banana say to the other banana","Nothing, bananas can't talk" +"I buy my guns from this gangster who calls himself. T. Rex","He's a small arms dealer" +"How much do you pay to buy corn from a pirate","You pay a buccaneer" +"A man walked into a bar. Ow he said","It was a metal one" +"I was going to get a haircut. But","I decided to get all of them cut instead." +"*while my dad and I drive past a cemetery* Dad: Did you know that the people who live in this town aren't allowed to be buried in that cemetery. Me: Oh, why","Dad: Cuz they're still alive" +"Did you guys hear that story on the news about the little Russian doll who robbed the big Russian doll","I heard it was an inside job" +"Most of my jokes are pretty tasteless","But not my spice puns" +"What do you call a dolphin who has no fin","A Dolph" +"Lady Justice was flirting with me","Guess that’s why it’s called a Court room" +"What do you call a game boy that doesn’t work","A lazy boy" +"My mom dad joked me. Mom: *holding USB stick* hey Beard- do you know if anything saved to this USB drive. Me: I'm not sure, take a look inside. Mom: *puts USB up to her eye and looks inside","* I don't know I can't really see anything" +"What is a musician's favorite meal","Tuner Salad" +"Never trust an atom","They make up everything." +"My dad was in a rock n roll band in middle school He played lead guitar. He said we weren't very good","however one time we played at a juvenile detention center and we had a captive audience" +"My friend told me a joke about the second best reddit award","It was gold" +"I asked my kids, What is Mozart doing right now","They looked at me and shook their heads, when I shouted, Decomposing" +"Why did the tree drop out of school","He kept failing twigonometry" +"One of my Uber fares, a dad with his kids, dropped this one in the car today. What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college","Bison" +"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy","I don't know and I don't care" +"Math What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter. Pumpkin Pi. If a cylinder of mozzarella has a radius of z and a height of a what is it volume","pi z z a" +"What do you call a five foot psychic that's escaped from jail","A small medium at large" +"My penis was recently in the. Guinness. Book of. World records. At least until the","Liberian caught me." +"What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating around in the ocean","Bob" +"When I was younger, I told my dad that no one likes me. He said, “I do. ” I told him he doesn’t count. He said, “1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10","See, I do count" +"RIP. Boiling water,","You'll be mist." +"I asked my computer tech buddy, “How do you make a motherboard","” He said , “I usually tell her a long and pointless story" +"Did you hear about the son who beat his father to death","I was trying to come up with a killer dad joke, but couldn't think of a punchline" +"Where do rodent warriors go when they die","To Vole-hole-a" +"I bet the career of a geologist can be. Pretty rocky at times","Though I am sure if they can stay grounded they won't get buried by it all" +"Dad just proudly told me his brother has signed up to be an organ donor Dad: He suggested that I registered too Me: oh yeah, will you","Dad: Maybe, he's a man after my own heart after all" +"Why can’t the pope be cremated","Because he’s still alive" +"What’s a pirate’s favourite letter","You think it’s the Rrr, but it’s really the Sea" +"My friend decided to get a tattoo of his favourite star wars character. You should have seen the","Luke on her face" +"And Jesus said Come forth and receive eternal life","But Peter came in fifth and won a toaster" +"Justice is a dish best served cold","If it was served hot, it would be justwater" +"If you cold in the middle of the room, go to the corner of the room","It feels like 90 degrees there" +"Why does a chicken coop have two doors","Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan" +"I'm setting up an email account for my GF's son. Her: I want your email address and password written down. Him: why. her: So I can check it. Me: what do you think this is, a democracy. Him: No, it's a monarchy. Me: actually it's a momarchy","Girlfriend laughed her ass off and I just had to share with you all" +"How does one identify a dog","Collar ID" +"My dad and I were 4x4ing through the desert to get to the beach Well we must be getting closer to the beach","there's sand everywhere" +"Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is","Well in a nutshell, it's an oak tree" +"My girlfriend was having rough morning getting ready for class. I don't think I helped So my girlfriend and I are both in college and I'm at her dorm waiting for her to get ready for class. She takes off her glasses and starts looking through her drawer when she says Aw why did I do this to myself. I ran out of contacts I go Babe, if it's more friends that you need, we can go out tonight and meet new people After the usual eye roll she goes No I wanna see To which I reply, Why would you want a C","I'm shooting for at least a B or an A in all of my classes That was probably the heaviest sigh I've ever heard from her" +"What is Marie Antoinette's least favorite coffee drink","Decappucino" +"Watching the Olympics, I said, Where does one learn to play water polo","My husband responded, In a pool" +"Bill, the weatherman: “Today’s weather forecast will be two beans in a tomato, meat sauce. ” Anchor: Bill, what on earth are you talking about","Bill: It’ll be a little chili" +"I playfully punch my girlfriends arm once per second","And then I said Hertz, don't it" +"My friend was put in jail for pulling a bunch of people out of a burning building","Turns out they were firefighters" +"You can’t tell kleptomaniacs puns","They take things, literally" +"My uncle got his left hand caught in a machine at work But on the other hand he's alright","Don't worry" +"I saw an ad in a shop window, “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”,","I thought “I can't turn that down.”" +"My grandad lost his tongue in. WW2","He doesn’t talk about it much though..." +"My wife never saw it coming. I got my wife with a rather unexpected dad joke last night. I generally don't like surprises, with only a few exceptions. Last night, I come into the bedroom and she is wearing a white corset, matching panties, knee high socks, and high heels. She asks Is this the kind of surprise you might like. I respond with a big dumb grin on my face, Of 'corset' is","It almost cost me a fun night, but it was worth it" +"What does a pirate charge for corn","A buck an ear" +"Why did the blind man fall into the well","Because he couldn't see that well" +"How do you call a dog with no legs","Doesn‘t matter, he wouldn‘t come anyway" +"Supervisor was talking about an Ethernet connection I said it was needed to catch the etherbunny. He gave me a verbal warning",":/" +"A woman goes up to her boyfriend and says honey, I have some bad news for you. I'm pregnant . He looks her with tears of joy and pride in his eyes and says","Hi pregnant, I'm dad" +"After my baby woke up crying three times last night, I sent her to jail. Really, I had no choice","She was resisting a rest" +"I'm going to make a pretty big claim here","#CLAIM" +"Why was the beaver mad","Because no one came to his dam party" +"What do you call an unidentifiable deer","Jane doe" +"What's worse than ants in your pants","Uncles" +"Me: Ouch. I stubbed my toe. Dad: Oh no","We better call the toe truck" +"Bro,do you want this pamphlet","Ya brochure" +"Why couldn’t Uno visit his friend Ocho","About halfway there, he was arrested for *tres*passing" +"Why did the priest bless his milk","To pastorize it" +"Why the first. Hulk movie was unpopular. You wouldn't like him when he's. Ang","Lee." +"Sometimes. I tuck my knees and lean forward. That's just how","I roll." +"I'll call you later","Call me dad, not later" +"Do you know why the Norwegian military is putting bar codes on their ships","I heard it’s so when they return to port, they can Scandinavian" +"I was arrested for stealing cooking utensils","But it was worth the whisk" +"They were going to call it. Goodlahoma. But it was only","Ok." +"A guide on how to tell dad jokes:. Step 1: walk up to dad","Step 2: tell dad a joke" +"At any given time, the urge to sing The lion sleeps tonight","Is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away" +"Texting lunch plans w/ Dad while I'm in a meeting, when suddenly. [Sometimes groaning in a meeting due to a text from your father is misinterpreted as your thoughts on the meeting discussion. Thanks, Pop. ](http://i. imgur. com/x0xSfRi","png)" +"The country of Argentina is surprisingly cold","In fact, it’s bordering on Chile" +"I’ve been heaps stressed lately and thought I’d try that Chinese medicine with the needles, my mum said it’s really good for stress relief, I couldn’t for the life of me remember what it was called until the other day","Black tar heroin isn’t cheap" +"My dad always told me “don’t be quick to find faults”","Good man, terrible geologist" +"Did you hear about the queen cover band consisting of ducks","They do most queen songs but they don't quack under pressure" +"What do you call a bankrupt cow","Udderly broke" +"What tastes likes red paint and smells like red paint","blue paint" +"Dad: Why can't our 6 month old drink regular milk. Breastfeeding Mom: Because he can't have cow's milk yet","Dad: What do you think he's been drinking all this time" +"Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water","He had a very esteemed colleague" +"Have you heard about the new corduroy pillow","It’s making headlines" +"I really hate wearing this wool sweater that my wife bought for me","It makes me feel sheepish" +"I asked my dad if. I could get a standing desk","He said Sure, falling desks never work." +"I got a new sweater for. Christmas, but it was picking up too much static electricity","I exchanged it for a new one, free of charge" +"Called my dad from different phone today . When he picked up he told me that it showed up as 'private caller' when you called. I told your mother that we should reject the call because I only accept lieutenant caller and higher","Credit to my friend's dad" +"What kind of overalls does Mario wear","Denim Denim Denim" +"Department store clerk: If you need anything, my name is Gwen","Me: What's your name otherwise" +"I got lobotomized yesterday, but","I don't mind." +"I was trying to think of a chemistry joke,. But the good ones","Argon" +"Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants. Ones a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean","" +"You know what really grinds my gears","Lack of lubricant" +"Just noticed I've been on Reddit for 5 years but writing a dad joke for the occasion was really easy","It was a piece of cake" +"I asked my Ophthalmologist, can you tell me what's wrong with me eyes","He won't give me an answer, he keeps repeating: I can sir" +"What do you call a dead Finnish man","I don't know, but I can tell that he's Finnished" +"What do you call a snobbish criminal walking down the stairs","A condescending con descending" +"Being in hot water. Dad calls son. Dad: I'm in hot water. Son: How come","Dad: Because I'm taking a bath" +"What do you call a pile of kittens","A meowntain" +"How do you clean a tuba","with a tuba toothpaste" +"I got really drunk last night I couldn't drive so I took the bus home","Now I have no idea what to do with this bus" +"Every time I asked my Dad if I could sleep over a friend's house he said NO","If they'll allow you to sleep inside, then I'm ok with it, but I won't have you sleeping on anyone's roof" +"Got my girlfriend in the grocery store. Her: Hey, do you know where they keep evaporated milk here. I: Well, if it's evaporated milk, then it's in the air around us. I immediately got a sigh and a seriously","look" +"Watch Me Twerk. We were in the car on the way to mass when my dad asked us if we wanted to see him twerk","My sister said sure and he farted" +"When is a door not a door","When it’s ajar" +"Nickelodeon Australia has a word of warning this Father's Day https://m. youtube. com/watch","v=p6_dJDPgac0" +"Want to hear a joke about pizza. Never mind","it's too cheesy" +"I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down","Mountain climbing with a friend is hard" +"Can a clock make a flea fly","No, but it can make a tick talk" +"My son fell out of a tree. I ran toward him, frantic, and yelled What did you hit. What did you hit. He looked at me as if I was an idiot and replied The ground Dad","I hit the ground" +"My dad caught me off-guard with this one [Image](http://i. imgur. com/XkmluZ0","png)" +"Motherfucker I stubbed my toe and naturally screamed Motherfucker","My dad poked his head out of the living room and said you rang" +"PSA - DO NOT BUY VELCRO","## It’s a total rip-off" +"Which bones drive other bones to work","The metacarpools" +"What do you call a funny reptile","A stand up chameleon" +"I don't thing reformation of the police is possible","After all, Andy, Sting, and Stewart have each had success with other solo projects" +"I helped this lady turn on a lamp she couldn't reach","It was the highlight of my day" +"When does a joke become a “dad” joke","When the punchline is a parent" +"When geese/any birds are flying in a 'V' . My dad used to say You know why one side of the 'V' is longer. . no, why","Because there are more birds on that side" +"You're not making any sense","Of course, I make dollars" +"I went to the zoo the other day, but there was only one dog in it","It was a shih tzu" +"Why are dad jokes so painful","Because of the punch lines" +"My girlfriend is on vacation in Hawaii. She got me over snapchat today. [She sent me this. ](http://imgur","com/trkGBY3)" +"What do you call a singing computer","A Dell" +"My guitar neck got nervous","I said “don’t fret”" +"My girlfriend mentioned that Courtney Cox-Arquette got divorced. so now she's Courtney Cox once more. I asked if there was a hyphen between Cox and Once More. Then she looked at the empty room and said, Can you believe this guy","We love each other" +"Why can't you turn shredded cheese back into a block","It would be de-grating" +"The Nile crocodile thinks it is an alligator","Because it is in denial" +"What do you call a monster with no ears","Anything you like because it can’t hear you" +"Did you hear about the cartoonist that was killed","Details are sketchy" +"I can't stand the insides of peaches","They're the pits" +"My dad's an engineer. Got him with this today. *my dad fixing a broken belt* Dad: I think all it needs is a new rivet. Me: I heard about a new company that does that called FROG. Dad: Why's a hardware company called frog. Me: They have the best ribbits in town","*I start laughing as hard as possible* Dad: at least one of us thinks you're funny" +"He's a dad too. He chuckled. Co-worker was telling me about his experience through the storms this weekend and how high winds blew his tomatoes down even though they were staked up","Me: So, what you're telling me is you got caught with your plants down" +"I made waffles this morning, but I have some bad news","I forgot the W and they turned out awful" +"Shameless Dad Joke While At Work I work for the school system doing before and after school child care. Today, during outside playtime, a fourth grader came up to me and said I hit my shin on the bench. I couldn't help but reply Man. that's a really bad shinjury","^^^^I'll ^^^^let ^^^^myself ^^^^out" +"Today, my laptop said hello to me","It must be because its a dell" +"I was walking down the road when suddenly somebody threw a twix at me","I was struck by a smooth caramel" +"My all time favourite Dad joke Ok son I'm going out to get some cigarettes. I'll be back in five minutes","*door slams*" +"My coworker brought in his dad in to tour the new office. Hi, I'm Stan, and this is Triple Stan","My coworker's name is Tristan" +"I told my dad about r/dadjokes","He told me to post this pickup line: Fiat Fullback, Nissan Navara, Toyota Hilux, Volkswagen Amarok, Isuzu D Max, Ssangyong Musso" +"I really should start my diet today. But","I've already got a lot on my plate." +"Got the chef at work with this one. It's too bad we don't work with a guy named Shawn who tells bad jokes","We could call him cornichon" +"Husband just dad joked our 9 year old. She was doing homework and commented my last name in cursive is pretty","Husband says, no it's not, it's still Smith" +"Dadjoked by one of my patients today Was getting him ready to go on a walk and was struggling to get his gown tied up behind his back. He asked if I was married and I told him I was not","Took a second to get but I had a good laugh after" +"What did a table at a restaurant say to a family","Dinner's on me tonight" +"I woke up this morning and found that two of my car wheels had somehow fallen off. I immediately thought it was the best idea to check if at least the engine was still able to run before deciding to go get a mechanic to assess the situation","I put the key in and gave it a go but I got nothing I guess the car was two tired" +"I stepped on a snail","I’m practically a home wrecker" +"We should have known communism wouldn’t work","There were so many red flags!" +"The difference between being under the moonlight and out in the sun","is just night and day" +"There was a kidnapping at my school","Then he woke up." +"Got one of my preschool students today We were getting ready to go outside this morning when one of the kids came up to me and showed me their mittens. Hey codemonkeh, do you like my new gloves. Without even thinking: They're glovely","Turning their excited smile into a look of disappointment and confusion" +"A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink. His father says, Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this. And with that he pulled a book called 1001 Dad jokes . The new Dad says, Dad, I'm honored, as tears well up in his eyes","His father smiles gently before saying back, Hi Honored, I'm Dad" +"I made a bridge out of Kleenex","I have truss tissues" +"How much does some flour, yeast, and water cost","Just a little dough" +"what is the opposite of a predator","a postdator" +"Did you hear about the mexican serial killer","He had Locomotives" +"Dad asked me what I had for lunch. Me: Spinach pizza. Dad: Olé. Me:","Dad: I took spinach in high school" +"My uncle's name is Carl Him: You know what they call me back home,right. Me: What","Him: Carl" +"Two chinese Christians are having a contest to see who can contact God the fastest","After one wins, the other looks at him and says Well prayed" +"Breaking news","I've just smashed a couple of plates." +"I managed to dadjoke my dad the other day My boyfriend was telling my dad about a movie or show, called The Leftovers . Dad: I don't think I've seen the leftovers","Me: Sure you have, dad, they're in the fridge" +"You're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there","European" +"What do you call a fly with no wings","A walk" +"If April showers bring May flowers what do May flowers bring","Pilgrams" +"I had to give up on my idea to create a miniature flamethrower","It was burning a hole in my pocket" +"Where did the fish go to get drunk","The sandbar" +"When I moved into my new igloo, my awesome friends threw me a surprise house-warming party","but now, I'm homeless" +"So. I heard this joke about glass","But it clearly shouldn’t have been made" +"How many ants does it take to fill an apartment","tenants" +"My nephew got my brother While driving around my brother told my nephew when they got home nephew needed to take a bath. N: why. B: because you are dirty, you probably have potatoes growing in your ears N: what. B: you have potatoes in your ears N: what. B: potatoes grow in dirt, you have dirt in your ears N: what. B: you have potatoes in your ears N: I can't hear you dad B: YOU HAVE POTAT","*facepalm*" +"If you're wondering why bakers don't throw out items a lot","It's because they probably knead it again tomorrow" +"I always bring 2 pairs of pants when I go golfing","In case I get a hole in one" +"Cows can't keep secrets. You tell one, pretty soon they all herd","It's a bunch of bull, really" +"Pulled this one out of my hat during the superbowl. Brother: When did the Broncos get Peyton Manning. Dad: Oh, I don't know. He left the Colts a while ago. Me: I guess he just decided to grow up","Dad: That's my boy" +"So two crabs are walking And one crab says, So Jim, how's the wife. The other crab says You didn't hear. My wife died last week The first crab replies Oh, I'm so sorry, it sucks that you are a widow now","The crab says No I'm not, I'm a crab" +"My wife says I change subjects too often when I'm talking to people. I'm glad it rained today so I don't need to water the lawn","Anyone else feel like pizza for dinner" +"Dad: Knock, Knock Kid: *sigh* Who's there. Dad: What","You don't even recognize your own father" +"Never thought I'd ever get to say it. My grandma was showing me the pictures she had taken with her new camera. As she was scrolling through she was giving commentary. She mostly took pictures of her cats. In one of the pictures she had a calendar with a day planner lying on the floor, with one of her cats standing on them. Grandma says that's my secretary . I go Ah, that's your copy-cat . Lols were had",":)" +"What do you call a hen who counts her eggs","A mathemachicken" +"What is a dad's favorite animal","The pun-da" +"What do you call an underwater English breakfast","Man-at-tea" +"I’ve never understood why baby dogs are called puppies","When they could be called subwoofers" +"What grade do pirates get in school","High seas" +"What did I do to confirm 2+2 was 4","I crosschecked (2×2)" +"How many catholics does it take to change a light bulb","nun" +"Pig Joke What do you call a pig with laryngitis","Disgruntled" +"So I had the idea of going to workout at the YMCA I asked my dad if he wanted to go and he said Sure, I'll drive. 10 minutes later we pulled up to a Macy's and I said This isn't the YMCA","My dad said Yeah it is, some guy just spelled it wrong" +"Did you hear that Oxygen and Potassium went on a date","It went OK" +"What do you call a chicken that you can understand","CompreHENsible" +"Dad Joked my Step Dad the other night. Me and the rest of my family just got done eating and after we got done talking my step dad asked me and my sister Would you guys mind hitting the kitchen. And I replied Wouldn't that hurt","Everyone looked and sighed at me while me and my step dad were laughing" +"Why should you never fight a dinosaur","You'll get jurasskicked" +"Why did the anti-vaxxer’s 4 year old son buy a corvette","He was having a midlife crisis" +"What do you call a joke about a baby chicken","A yolk" +"What do you tell annoying footwear so that it will go away","You tell it to shoe" +"What is the opposite of a sub woofer","A surface pupper" +"So there's this new type of camouflage. So there's this new type of camouflage, and it's super effective","But I just can't see myself wearing it" +"Happened about 20 minutes ago. Dad stepped on my foot so I yelled watch my foot","so he stopped and started starring at my foot" +"What did Batman say to robin before they got into the car","Get in the car" +"NSFW discussion at breakfast today with my GF. This was purely by accident. As soon as I said it, the sad trombone went of in my head. Me: Know what kills me, though. Her: What's that. Me: Auto-erotic asphyxiation","" +"How do you greet a hamburger","“Meet patty”" +"I’m afraid to leave the coordinates 90. 0000°N, 135. 0000°W and 90. 0000°S, 45. 0000°E","I was diagnosed with bye-polar disorder" +"What's the sister city to Istanbul","Istancow" +"What's a cat called when it cheats on it's mate","A cheetah" +"After the pro boxer retired, he became a successful exorcist","He could beat the hell out of anyone" +"How do you call a magic berry","Cherry Potter" +"Why didn't the bike stand up for himself","He was two tired" +"Nate The Snake A heart-warming tale about a snake in the desert. [It's relevant to the sub, I assure you. ](http://natethesnake","com/)" +"As a really successful butcher","I can't keep my hams to myself" +"“Are you alright, dad","” “Actually, technically, I’m half left and half right" +"The worst part of Thanksgiving","is that my farts smell so fowl" +"I heard diarrhea is hereditary. It runS. IN. YOUR","JEANS" +"I told my ex girlfriend that the world is flat. She got really angry","When I told her she was my world, she decided to break up" +"The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision","I can just see it now." +"I was diagnosed as colorblind yesterday","It came completely out of the purple" +"What happens when you sleep in Death's bed","You will have to face the reaper-cushions" +"Talking to my beau about ants when he hits me with this one. There was an ant in my soda. But I like ants, so I saved him. I like ants too. Only the little black ones though. I like ants of all shapes and sizes and colors","I'm not bugoted" +"Why did Tammy do better on her report card compared to Tommy","Because she had an A" +"Man with a picaxe was refused service","they dont serve miners" +"A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, First offender. She says, No, first a Gibson","Then a Fender" +"So this recent march was for science","What about april" +"My wife: i'm going to jump in the shower then run to Kroger. Me: that's dangerous, you need to step in carefully from now on. And what's wrong with your car","My 5 year old laughs at dad jokes" +"Dad is savage Mom: Why are you still single. Me: I'm single by choice","Dad: Girl's choice" +"So you don’t want to hear a joke about potassium?","K." +"Thank you (not a joke) there's an old guy named jim who walks into our office every morning and tells us dad jokes (we call them Jim jokes). Recently, I've been able to hit hm back, all thanks to r/dadjokes. Just wanted to thank you all for the cringy jokes","We always start our day with a great laugh thanks to you" +"Mountain Dew Dad: Mountain Dew is also a term for liquid Viagra. Me: Is it really","Dad: Yeah, Mount-And-Do" +"Medieval code of honor for digging","Shovelry!!!" +"Hey, are you from Africa","Because you’re African babe" +"I thought of a joke about hats","I then of course remembered it would go over your head" +"If police pull over a","U-Haul van did they bust a move?" +"Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill","To get to the bottom" +"How do plants greet each other","Aloe" +"Harry Potter and a Dadjoke Boyfriend: When you come over this weekend, bring Harry Potter and a bathing suit","Me: I don't think I've read that one" +"Messaged my dad a dad-joke","Still waiting for his response 10 years later" +"What did the grape do when he got stepped on","He let out a little wine" +"What do you call a dinosaur who’s sleeping. A","Dinosnore!" +"Witches don’t fart","They cast smells" +"Did you hear about the atom that got charged","It's a pretty ionic story" +"Once my dad came home from work and told my mom that he had seen three dead squirrels in the garden on his way in. My mom was worried that we had a feral animal of some kind on the loose in the neighborhood. She said to my dad, How close were they","My dad's response was, Well I don't know what kind of relationship they had, honey" +"Being a farmer isn't for everyone","But hay, it's in my jeans" +"Son wanted to know where the stationery store was Same place it's always been","It still hasn't moved" +"Dios Mios. Son: Don't say the lord's name in vain. Dad: I'm not saying it in vain","I'm saying it in Spanish" +"After a Fine Dinner Cooked by Dad. He asked me to put the bones from the steak into the garbage, and then take it out. Surely, I put them in the bag, but before washing my hands, I said, You know, some people say I have meaty hands. And boy, did that get him, as he looked at me curiously for a moment before getting it","I out-dadded dad" +"Buying an engagement ring with my dad Getting ready to leave he says: Do you have a picture of the ring you want. Me: Ya, right here on my phone","Dad: Some guy you are, buying her a phony ring" +"Out for dinner. My dad always uses this one at a restaurant if he hasn't finished all his food. Waitress: Do you want a box for that","Dad: No, but I'll wrestle you for it" +"Oklahoma. It's a pretty","OK state." +"I went to the shop to by six cans of Sprite","When I got home I realised I had picked 7up" +"Where is the Heart of Tefiti. My 4yo son posed this question to his mother yesterday after watching Moana (again). Since he's 4, he slurs the 't' a bit. I immediately without hesitation or remorse blurt out In between the Toesies. My wife says she'll need therapy and a support group","" +"I remember my childhood fondly. Dad used to put us in a tire and we all rolled downhill","Those were the Good Years" +"“Doctor, I can’t stop saying ‘Halt. Who goes there","“Mmmm, I think you have a touch of Friendorphobia”" +"I never had a dad but these jokes are definitely my type So I stayed with relatives in New Zealand for a while. I had no knowledge of the local places. They were talking about a certain french style cafe. Me: What's the cafe called. Cousin: It's called *deja-vu*. Do you know it. Me: Yeah I think I've seen it already. **Silence and faces of clueless people** I even had to explain the joke which kinda made me feel dumb","So I thought that's probably how a dad feels after making one of these jokes" +"I just did this to my friend and i think it belongs here I called her up and asked her how to pronounce 'B-U-Y'. She said buy","I said ok bye and hung up" +"If. I had a penny for every time someone didn't understand me","I'd make more cents." +"How does an octopus go into battle","Well-armed" +"Did you know Diarrhea is hereditary","Runs in your jeans" +"Have you heard of the new Amish rapper","His name is Two Churnz" +"There's a party in the garden","So lettuce turnip the beet" +"Heres a bit advice for you","Advi" +"Why doesn't Santa smoke","Because it's bad for his elf" +"Why can't a cyclops have multiple personality disorder","Because it has only one I" +"Dadjoked by my 4 year old son Son: Hey daddy. Me: What's up, buddy. Son: Ummmmmm, the sky is blue daddy","Wife: *groans* see what you're teaching him" +"Dad asked me about the new Taylor Swift album. Dad: Have you heard the new Taylor Swift album. Me: 1989. Yeah. Dad: Oh no, it was much more recent than that","" +"My dad does this one every time we eat out. Waitress: Is there anything else I can get you. Dad: How about a winning lottery ticket","I've heard it way to many times to count" +"I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon","I’ll let you know" +"Why did the scarecrow win an award","Because he was outstanding in his field" +"Irony","The opposite of wrinkly." +"Jerry prayed to God for everything, a car, a house, a loving wife, healthy kids, a nice job. To all these requests God replied, No","It's true, God really is all noing" +"Once upon a time there was a woman Her name was Ninety and she had three kids. One day, the kids found a stray cat in their backyard and they decided to take care of it. However, they knew that their mother would disapprove, so in order to keep it a secret, they used This when referring to the cat. Eventually, the cat died of old age and the kids moved on with their lives","Therefore, only Ninety's kids will remember This" +"Talking to the dead My dad used to take us to Sam Houston's grave saying that old Sam would respond if you ask him a question. So we walk up and he would say Hey Sam, What are you up to down there. He would wait a few moments and act all excited saying Did you hear him","He said nothing" +"Did you hear about the crowds at the grand opening of the new Lego store","People were lined up for blocks" +"What's the most alphabetical element. Phosphorus","It's the element o' P" +"Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day","Give a man a poisoned fish, and you’ll feed him for a lifetime" +"I was painting and decided to flip the canvas","It's on the floor right now" +"I ate too much Greek food today","I falafel" +"How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern","You use a pumpkin patch" +"LPT: If you are suffering from insomnia, listen to some smooth jazz right before bedtime","It has a lot of mellow tonin’" +"I stayed up all night thinking about the sun","And then it dawned on me." +"Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet","No, but it serves her rite" +"I used to be addicted to Lord of the Rings","But then I kicked the hobbit" +"Why did the robber choose not to hold up a clothing store","He thought there would be too many causal T's" +"It was forecast to be foggy this morning","Girlfriend: 'It's not foggy outside at all' Me: 'We must have mist it'" +"My 9 year old daughter told me the computer was frozen. I told her to just let it go","" +"How does the man on the moon cut his hair","Eclipse it" +"An Asian couple, Mr. & Mrs. Wong, told their Caucasian son that he was adopted","When breaking the news, they explained, Two Wongs don't make a white" +"I don't trust stairs","They're always up to something" +"From my professor today Student: Could you explain what anti-parallel means again","Prof: Well, it's not uncley-parallel" +"What is the tallest building in the world. A library","It has the most stories" +"What do you call a Sith Lord that avoids conflict","Darth Evader" +"UPS freight truck driver dropped this one today Truck driver comes in my shop for a pick up","When asked how he was doing today he responds, Last night I dreamed I was a muffler, when I woke up this morning I was exhausted" +"To the guy who invented zero","Thanks for nothing" +"I'm so good at sleeping","I can do it with my eyes closed." +"A lumberjack died in the woods. There once was a lumberjack who was known as the hardest working lumberjack in the woods. Old Doolittle Dawort Deigh had a reputation and the complete respect of his coworkers for nearly 60 years. As we all know, tough lumberjacks can’t have sissy names. So many years ago, as was the tradition in the woods, old Doolittle Dawort Deigh was saddled with a nickname and had become known as simply Do Dah. One tragic afternoon, old Do Dah was working his trade when a tree happened to fall the wrong way. Poor old Do Dah was squished flatter than a lumberjack flapjack. His coworkers, distraught at the thought of breaking the news of Do Dah’s death to his elderly wife, decided that perhaps if bad news was presented in a somewhat good way, it might soften the blow. So that afternoon, old Do Dah’s fellow lumberjacks gathered on the stoop of the now widowed Mrs. Deigh and hesitantly knocked on the door. It took a few minutes for the old widow to make it across the room to the door. Finally as the door creaked open, the chorus of lumberjacks launched into a rousing rendition of ♪ Guess who died in the woods today ♫ Do Dah, Do Dah","♫ Guess who died in the woods today Old Do Dah Deigh" +"I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog there","It was a shih tzu" +"What kind of dessert do they eat in Russia","Vladimir Pudding" +"I change lightbulbs for a living","but I'm getting burned out" +"Why did the famous Chinese military leader refuse to go to war","Because General Tso’s chicken" +"A chicken and and egg are lying in bed The chicken says Well, that answers that question. The egg says Oh my god","A talking chicken" +"What is a borax used for","Killing pigs" +"They say depression runs in my family. I guess","I have blue genes" +"How long are math snakes. 14 inches","Well, at least pi-thons and adders are" +"I named each of my kids Pun","Just so that I can be the Father of all Puns" +"Did you hear about that Christian secret agent","His name was Jason Bourne again" +"I was practically in a coma last night after eating a boatload of doughnuts for Father’s Day","I went out with a glaze of glory" +"This post on Reddit by /u/arshaqV http://i. imgur. com/wTIWDZN","png" +"Mom getting a new iPhone. I texted my dad to tell him that my mom was at the AT&T store","He responds with Ok - I think she is getting Siri-ous about her I-phone=D" +"My family said I'd never amount to anything, but then I discovered the secret to invisibility","If only they could see me now" +"My girlfriend got me with this today Me: I need to get a haircut soon. Her: Which one. This one","*points to a hair on me*" +"What do you call a cow with three legs Lean beef What do you call a cow with no legs. Ground beef. What do you call a cow with one leg. Steak. What do you call a cow with two legs","Your mom" +"Studies show that 55% of North American adults will fail eighth grade math","For the remaining 55% of us, it is a piece of cake" +"True Story: We had some audio cassettes in the music classroom. I asked the kids how long the tape is inside a 60-minute audio cassette. Some of them thought 300 feet. Others thought 150 feet","I told them it was one hour long" +"Ever had sex while camping","It's in tents" +"My family got dad joked by my younger sister today. My family and I were at the mattress store and my sister cracks one on us. Sister: What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed. Me: What. Sister: Oh sheet","We then proceeded to groan" +"What's a Vice President's favorite part of music. Al-Gore-Rhythm","*I will leave now*" +"Have a seat. At the restaurant I work at a guy came in with his 2 daughters. I said, have a seat wherever you like","The man proceeded to sit on the floor and said, is here okay" +"Canadians are easy to identify. You can spot them from 1","6 kilometres away" +"A band we saw today lost its power I went to see my brothers band play a gig today, and in the middle of a song, they lost power. Dad immediately said This wasn't what I had in mind when you said (band name) Unplugged","Groans all around" +"The started serving bee body parts at my local restaurant","I've gotta say, it's the bees knees." +"Whats the best way to survive an attack of armed clowns","Go for the juggler" +"If you’re cleaning out your vacuum cleaner","In that moment, you are the vacuum cleaner" +"This guy asked my friend if his challenger was a stick","I replied, No it's a car" +"My wife told me to sync her phone","I threw it in the ocean and I don't know why she's mad at me" +"This is one part TIFU one part dad joke So today as I was making my morning coffee, I fill up my little K cup thing with my coffee and walk over to the coffee maker to put it in and I spill it all over the floor. I start cleaning it up when my dad walks in and chuckles. I say What. And he replies Hehe, coffee GROUNDS","We had a good laugh" +"When making new tunnels on the western plain, prairie dogs get help","The hole family pitches in" +"Have you ever been to a restaurant on the moon","Great food, but no atmosphere" +"Why must some melons throw extravagant weddings","Because they can’t elope" +"The mods have a new way of improving the jokes we submit. They now add smell to all the jokes and rate them according to their odour. One mod adds some floral funniness, another tweaks them with sweet smile appeal and a third makes sure they contain a few obnoxious puns","From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humour" +"What do you call a monkey in a mine field","A babooooom" +"How do you call Bob the Builder when he retires","Bob" +"A man is pulled over and is asked if he has a police record","The man replies, No, but I've got a sting album" +"Kid in class realizes caught in a dad joke for years. I am currently in a intercultural communication class in college. Because its the beginning of the semester we always have to do some goofy activity and because the class is about culture everyone would tell something interesting about theirs. So this little Asian kid in class starts talking about customs growing up. He says how when he was little he remembers his father farting, and his dad asking why he is not clapping in this culture you clap after your father farts. The whole time hes telling this I am thinking. no way. this dad is a savage. I kind of got a feeling he was starting to pick up on it, he started talking slow and thinking about it. Long story short: he clapped after his dad farted presumably for years, practicing their culture","What do you think" +"Purchased a deodorant stick today","Instructions say “Remove cap and push up bottom” I can barely walk but when I fart the room does smell lovely" +"What’s the difference between a crocodile and an alligator","The first you see in a while and the other you see later" +"Dad got me and my friends We came home from a football game and someone used car paint and drew a dick on my friend's car window","We got home and my dad said I'm sure if you rub it hard and fast enough, the cock will get off" +"What did the police officer atom say to the suspect atom","I got my ion you" +"What do you call a machine that automatically paddles your boat","A row bot" +"A man kept throwing away all of his herbs","Everyone said it was a waste of thyme" +"I was driving with my son the other day He was drinking chocolate milk and apparently was taking as sip as I accelerated. He was mad that I made him spill it on himself and started to cry","As soon as I came to a stop, I looked him straight in the eyes and said Son, there is no need to cry over spilled milk" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school","He woke up" +"I bought a grandfather clock last month and it broke today","Should’ve got a teenager clock because they last longer" +"My wife sent me down the shop to get 8 cans of sprite","But when I got home I realised I'd only picked 7up" +"I told my son today, Here's something you might not have known about me, I can cut wood by just looking at it. He replied, I don't believe you, but would you care to elaborate. I answered, Its true","I saw it with my own eyes" +"Daughter: Can people see Wonder Woman inside her invisible plane","Me: It's not entirely clear" +"I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but then","I turned myself around." +"My dad dropped this one on my cousin at breakfast. My little 6 year old cousin comes up to my dad and says to him Uncle Bill. I have magnetic nail polish on. Look. Then he replied Oh","that must make you attractive" +"My grandfather saw the Titanic. He told everyone it was going to sink. No one believed him","He yelled and yelled trying to get anyone to listen until finally - -he was kicked out of the theatre" +"At the office today, A guy got on the elevator and asked Going Down","Me: No, but I've got time for a hug" +"Literally just got this one from Dad. What's the difference between a chic pea and a garbanzo bean","I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face" +"I asked my somewhat short dad why he has so many tall friends","With a growing smirk, he replied, They help me with my shortcomings" +"I found a nickel on the ground today and I have a feeling I’m going to find a penny later","It’s my sixth sense" +"What do you call a dwarf psychic that is in trouble with the law","A small medium at large" +"We were in the Baltimore Aquarium. There is a room dedicated to sea anemones, a big space with low light coming from these glass tanks full of beautiful, fragile creatures. My son and I stood admiring them for a moment, and I commented, Well, at least they'll never be lonely here. Why is that, Dad. With anemones like these, who needs friends","A loud universal groan went up and I hastily retreated" +"You can easily make money by collecting helium and selling it for a dollar per pound","No weight, that doesn't make any cents" +"While playing","Scrabble I desperately need a vowel movement and your mother is consonantpated." +"For some reason, the cashier wanted me to steal the sweater I already owned","She told me to swipe my cardigan" +"What is a nurse’s favorite element","Healium" +"What did the ocean say to the shore","Nothing, it just waved" +"A man is washing his car with his son","The son asks, Dad, can't you just use a sponge" +"Apple’s newest product attaches directly to your face","Introducing the iLash" +"How do you make a bed grow longer","Get in, it adds two feet" +"Does anyone have some Mucinex","My GPS says there's some congestion up ahead" +"I'm half Irish and half Jewish, so","I'm drinking if you're buying" +"Did you hear about the earthquake","It was groundbreaking" +"When I met King James I threw small pieces of ice at him","Hail to the King" +"I'm home http://25. media. tumblr. com/b0c907e07cf1323357f52b73bfe9bfb7/tumblr_mw6szmxG081qf0xxmo1_500","jpg Please god someone finish this joke or I'll self combust" +"After my divorce, I gave my wife a necklace with my face on it as a parting gift","I am now Independent" +"Why did the mermaid visit Utah","She was looking for a morman" +"My wife said, Nothing rhymes with orange","I said no" +"What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub","A robber ducky" +"If H20 is water, what's H2O4","Drinking silly" +"What did one nut say as he chased another nut","I'm a cashew" +"My dad asked me, Who is the man who got attacked by tigers the most. After I didn't know he pointed to this sign: http://imgur","com/ex7tc2c" +"We're having steak at a restaurant. Dad says: 'it's *rare* you get steak this good","I said it was a bloody good joke" +"Hiring a clown is more expensive than ever","Balloon prices are adjusted for inflation" +"Why doesn't any man need more than one rooster","A cock a dude'll do" +"Groans in the workplace Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint. Dad: I Excel at it. Boss: Was that a Microsoft Office pun","Dad: Word" +"I don't know why, but I don't really like my new massage therapist","I guess she just rubs me the wrong way" +"Did you hear about the cheap farmer that let a town starve","He didn't give a crop" +"Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac","He kept himself awake at night wondering if there was a dog" +"I dad joked my dad We saw an attractive girl in TV and my dad said she's got a big nose, but I can look past that","to which I replied, she can't" +"What's the most indifferent animal. Rabbits","They don't carrot all" +"Remembered one from when I was a teenager I was in the back seat of the family car drinking a coke, when we hit a bump in the road and I coughed. Coke spurts out of my nose. Carbonated beverages do *not* feel pleasant when they spurt out of your nose, and I screamed to my Dad in the front passenger seat what had happened. Well, what did you expect","You're supposed to snort Coke" +"What do you call a dollar bill that could hear","A cashier" +"2015 has been an odd year","2016 will be an even one" +"I suffer from kleptomania. And when it gets bad","I take something for it." +"After doing legs at the gym me:. My ass is really sore from gym","Dad: who's jim?" +"Dad joke during the Super Bowl Half Time show. Friend A: Man, Bruno Mars really stole the half time show Friend B: Yea, it's as if the Chilli Peppers just","'gave it away'" +"What did the Buffalo say after he dropped his kid off at school","Bison" +"Why can't a vampire accidentally get you pregnant","They always have to ask you before they come inside" +"Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii","or just a low ha" +"What kind of vehicle likes to flirt a lot","A pickup truck" +"Friend got another tattoo. Me: That's his third tattoo","Dad: So it's a tat-three" +"Does anyone know why there are always fences around graveyards","Because people are dying to get in" +"Watching some movie where a bunch of dog sledders end up having to eat the dogs He points to the cats and goes If we eat them it'll be a cat-astrophe","Ugh" +"Why couldn’t the angle get a loan","Because it’s parents wouldn’t cosine" +"what is green and turns red at a push of a button","a frog in a microwave" +"A man takes his wife to an unusual restaurant where you must stand in separate lines for each food item . As they sit down, the husband offers to go get their dinner. First he waits in line for the roast beef. Then he waits in the line for the potatoes. He he waits in the vegetable line, the bread line, the salad line, and finally the gravy line. He finally returns to the table with two heaping plates of food. “What would you like to drink. ” he asks. “A glass of punch would be nice,” she says. So off he goes to get it. He finds a line for wine, a line for beer, a line for soda, a line for milk, even a line for water. After considering all of his options he gives up and returns to the table empty-handed","Sometimes there is no punch line" +"What has 4 wheels and flies","A garbage truck" +"I forgot to pay my membership fee for months","But today I finally remembered" +"Dad joked my entire college writing class Towards the end of the year we were listing certain errors we learned to correct throughout the course. Someone raised their hand and said fixing repetition . So later I raised my hand and said fixing repetition . The teacher at first was serious and said we already have that on-","And then she saw me crack the biggest shit eating grin and the whole class groaned as I started laughing uncontrollably" +"I had a vasectomy because I didn't want any kids","When I got home, they were still there" +"I met a mushroom today","He was a fun-gi" +"RIP boiling water","You will be mist" +"Someone stole my mood ring","I’m not so sure how I feel about that" +"In the Star Wars Universe, they don't eat baby wookiees","because they are a little chewy" +"What do you call a tactical unit comprised of nuns","Force of Habit" +"what is Jame's Bonds favourite kind of fish","a Sean Conneray" +"Dad raised me right Mom's friend rings the doorbell. Mom answers the door, Hi Deb, good to see you. We missed you. Dad and I, on opposite sides of the room, look up in unison: With every shot so far","The pride on his face was priceless" +"What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo","One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter" +"My wife sometimes gets tired of my dad jokes","good thing I have some mother ones I can fall back on" +"Dad joked my partner and a patient Soooooo I'm a paramedic, and last night at work we were called for an older lady with heart palpitations. While talking with her she said she used to be a kindergarten teacher. This conversation ensued. My partner: I'm impressed, I couldn't handle that kind of work, I don't have enough patience. Me: Sure you do. Partner: (quizzical look) Me: You've got a patient right here","(Points to the lady on our stretcher, who laughed and groaned simultaneously, as did the cops) But hey, they say laughter is the best medicine" +"I used to believe in emails and texting","but then I found out they were just alternative fax" +"What’s Forrest Gump’s password","1forrest1" +"Why do cows have hooves instead of feet","Because they lactose" +"Why don’t zombies eat ghost","They taste like sheet" +"Dad goes to speech therapy Therapist: repeat after me; I'm thirsty Dad: I'm. thirsty Therapist: I'm hungry Dad: I'm","Hi hungry, I'm dad Therapist: *throws clipboard at wall* ___________ credit to my University Yik Yak" +"If you want to get a girl to like you all you have to do is tell cat jokes","They’ll whisker off her feet" +"I did it. I have a 3 yr old but I'm not good at dad jokes yet. But just now I finally did one. It's morning and I'm not wearing socks. Little one asks Daddy how come you have bare feet. Me: Well, it's better than having duck feet","(Victory lap around the breakfast table)" +"I tried to catch some fog the other day","I mist." +"I really hate negative numbers. I will stop at nothing to avoid them","(Cross post with r/jokes)" +"I've gone a lost my electron","It's a shame cause I really wanted to keep an ion him" +"My dad: I have a smartphone, and I use it everyday.","but I'm not getting any smarter" +"What did the mermaid wear to math class","An algae bra" +"If cardboard had a favorite sport, what would it be","Boxing" +"I recently read the top 10 facts about diarrhea","Number 2 surprised me" +"What are the advantages of living in Switzerland","Well, the flag is a big plus" +"asshole/elbow My wife called me an asshole , I called her an elbow. She laughed and said, That's dumb. I looked her in the eye and said, I can get along without an elbow, a hell of a lot better than you can without, an asshole","She smiled - that's all a man needs, I love that woman" +"What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut","I'm a cashew" +"Watching the 4 man bobsled with my sister. Commentator: Well the Latvian bobsled program is certainly going in the right direction. Me: What, downhill. 5 seconds of computation Sister: *sighs* No","Just no" +"I allegedly overtook someone today whilst walking, they asked me why I did it","I said I'm sorry, I don't follow" +"What US state is round at the ends and high in the middle","Ohio" +"Haven't seen my dad since Christmas And today he texts me out of the blue, Two parrots were sitting on a perch","One parrot turns to the other and says, Do you smell fish" +"There's a bee on your back My friend was wearing a t-shirt with some wording on the back. One of the words had the letter b in it. His uncle slapped him on the back and said sorry, there was a b on your back","All I could think was, this guy gets it, he knows humor" +"What's a similarity between a man who runs in front of a car and a man who runs behind a car. They both need sleep","the man in front of the car gets tired and the man behind the car gets exhausted" +"I don't think. I'll ever find a stable job. To be honest","I'm not too comfortable around horses." +"Want to hear a construction joke","I'm working on it" +"When is the only time you can put stuff in your door","When is ajar" +"Hey, dad. How many people work at your company","I would say about half of them" +"I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated","But I stand corrected" +"What's a zookeeper's favorite pasta","Turtle-llini" +"So I asked my dad, Hey, don't you hate it when a sentence doesn't end the way you walnut to","And he said, Yeah, it drives me nuts" +"My girlfriend just dumped me for always talking about video games","What a silly thing to fall out for." +"What kind of tea did the shellfish drink","Pearl grey" +"orion’s belt is a waist of space","terrible joke, only three stars" +"I thought it was a booger","but it’s snot" +"Where do all of the poor noodles live","In the spaghetto" +"My 7 year old son scared me today when he told me about the kidnapping at his school","He then proceeded to tell me everything was ok after they woke him up" +"I went to the park the other day. I went on the swings, they were fun, I went on the roundabout, that was fun","But when I went on the slide, it all went downhill from there" +"Her: I can’t find my datebook. Have you seen it. I looked everywhere. Me: It looks like","you have a hidden agenda" +"What happens when a streaming site buys the weather channel","A torrent" +"I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward","That's just how I roll" +"I really upset my wife when she asked what was on the T. Dust","I said" +"My girlfriend broke up with me because. I stole her wheelchair. But","I knew she’d come crawling back to me." +"The Ultimate Dad Joke Duel https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=YXDh-1dvkNs" +"Woke up to a text from dad","As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he ever farted in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it" +"The three wise men brought baby Jesus gold and frankincense. But wait","there's myrrh" +"Dad got a bug bite today. He lifted his shirt, pointed to a bug bite on his belly button, and says I've been the victim of a navel attack","Groans all around." +"I’m so excited for spring. That","I wet my plants" +"What is heavier. Water or Butane. Water","Butane is a lighter fluid" +"Why are ducks the best detectives","They know how to quack the case" +"Wife: Your Christmas gift sucks","I think she likes her new vacuum cleaner" +"Found my girlfriend's missing owl earring Me: You'll get a hoot out of this. *hand her the earring* Her: I was wondering where this went","Me: Well now you have owl of them" +"Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road","It got stuck in the crack" +"I really did this to my son. We were at the grocery store in the cheese section. I grabbed a block of cheddar and handed it to him and said here hold this, but be careful, its sharp","He put his head down and said I'm done" +"A woman in the shower heard the doorbell. It's the blind man . So she answered the door naked. Nice boobs","Where do you want me to hang the blind" +"how does a nut sneezes","cashew" +"Got my coworker the other day I asked if he could help me with some POs for items being returned to vendors. He asked me to hang on I immediately grabbed the door handle and the side of the door I was next too and said like this","He rolled his eyes but I felt somewhat proud" +"My dad just made me crack up. My mom walked into the living room, exhaled, and said, Well","My dad quickly replied, That's a deep subject" +"What's better than flying in an airplane","Flying in an air-fancy" +"Sometimes. I wish. I had a. DeLorean as a second car. Then","I could drive it from time to time" +"A donut walks into a church, approaches the priest and explains Excuse me, Father, I don't mean to trouble you, but I'm very interested in joining the clergy. I was hoping that you could give me some pointers. The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that he's speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response. That is truly a noble calling. he says. Most frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to priesthood. That sounds like a very involved process. the donut confesses. I'm not sure I have the time. If you don't mind me asking… replies the priest. What made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you're not willing to make a commitment to the process. Why do you want to be a priest at all. Well… the donut answers","See, it's because I'm holey" +"I can’t believe my police officer friend didn’t help me move","He really is a cop out." +"It's a known fact that cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them","It's a case of in one ear and out the udder." +"Why are snowmobiles so fast","They don't get tired" +"What do you get after playing a lute for 10 hours straight. Minstrel cramps. Edit: (I'm sorry. Feminine hygiene jokes are the lowest form of humor","Period" +"Wish me luck. Tomorrow I start my internship at an electric company","It’s my induction day" +"/u/SnackyChunk's dad strikes. http://i. imgur. com/qeIfDy3","png Found on /r/matt" +"In which my dad keeps up with politics in the US. Home made pizza night at my parents place. Dad points to a bag of pre-grated mozzarella cheese and says I hear Trump wants to ban that stuff , What",", He says he wants to make America grate again" +"How does Moses make coffee","Hebrews it" +"A blonde woman walks past a store window. A blonde woman walks past a store window. She sees a sign that says we do not sell to blondes in the window, but goes in anyways. She finds an employee and points at a TV and says I want that TV. But the employee says sorry ma'am, we don't sell to blondes. She decides to go home and try again the next day. She dyes her hair and puts on different clothes. She walks in, finds an employee, points at a TV and says I want that TV. But again, the employee says I'm sorry ma'am, but we don't sell to blondes. The woman is now very angry. She goes home to try a third time. She cuts her hair, dyed it again, puts on makeup and new clothes, and tries again the next day. She walks in and finds another employee, points at the TV, and says I want that TV. But for a third time, the employee says ma'am, I'm sorry, but we don't sell to blondes. At this point the woman is furious. She exclaims, How did you know I was I blonde","The employee calmly answers, Ma'am, that's a microwave" +"Dad hit me with this one after I complained about a shoulder ache. He tossed me a little bottle of pills and said take these, they're homeopathic pills for muscle pain. I told him, Dad, I don't do homeopathic stuff. Dad: Well once you take these and feel better you can take a girl on a date. Me: What does that even mean","Dad: That's called *romeo-pathy* Dear God this joke made the pain worse" +"Not a dad, but I dad joked hard yesterday. Situation: I was picking up food at an Indian restaurant and I had to wait ten minutes on fresh naan. When they finally came out with my food: I'm so sorry this took so long here you go","I held up the order and replied: Don't worry it's a naan issue" +"I knew a girl who once smoked her own hair by accident","Yeah, she was really burnt up about it" +"I am so sorry for what I've done. I promise I'll make it up to you","All I need is a ladder" +"What animal can connect to the internet","Lynx" +"My son complained that his room was too cold","I told him to stand in the corner since it's 90 degrees" +"In chemistry today, a girl asked if she should give her data table a title. I told her that Earl of Data Table had a nice ring to it, but she should check to make sure it is of noble dissent first","She rolled her eyes, but the cute girl next to her laughed" +"Why are pool tables green","You'd be green too if you had your balls shot around like that" +"I was pooping and finally sent my friend the thousand photos stored on my phone","It was a great photo dump" +"Porches aren't cheap This past weekend my brother, parents and myself were at a large multi-neighborhood yard sale. We walked past a sign that read Porch sale. Come on up After reading this my dad said. Porch sale","No thanks we already got one" +"what happened to the ice cream army","They deserted" +"What type of organization is atheism","A non-prophet organization" +"I farted in my wallet","Now I have gas money" +"I work with people who are really competent, and some that fake it ‘til they make it","I guess you could say it has its pros and cons" +"The Perfect Son. nnew joke of the day The Perfect Son. A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke. A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he drink whiskey. A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he ever come home late. A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he","A: He will be six months old next Wednesday" +"Wife impressed me last night while we talked about pooping. [NSFW] I was laughing and showing her an image macro where a stick figure says he's going to go poop, then rushes back because he forgot his phone. I said, That's totally me. I take at least fifteen minutes on the can. My wife, who takes about five minutes, doesn't bother with her phone","She says, I don't like to waste time while timing my waste" +"What do you call a belt with a watch","Waist of time." +"I invented a new word","Plagiarism" +"The Minecraft fishing rod enchantment ‘Lure’ is just its version of the enchantment ‘Efficiency’","Or rather, E-fish-in-sea" +"I was having trouble learning echolocation","And then it clicked." +"Why did sin and tan not go to the party","Just cos" +"Today I got dad joked by my four year old son Me: what made you decide to watch that movie (castle in the sky) Son: My brain","Me internally: you cheeky fucking bastard" +"What did 1 tectonic plate say to the other when he bumped into him","Sorry, my fault" +"baseball i was at a baseball game with my cousin and his son. his son, a little chap, asked how are baseballs made. to which my cousin replies well you see, when a mommy baseball and a daddy baseball get together","subtle, yet dad joked" +"I farted in the elevator today","I realised that was wrong on so many levels" +"My wife said that we should get an ottoman so we can sit more comfortably in the family room","I replied: We ought ta, man" +"I called my Wi-Fi network 666","Now it's the router of all evil" +"What is Mozart's shortest symphony","His thirty-second symphony" +"Shout out to your grandma","That's the only way she can hear." +"Why can't you have a nose 12 inches long","Cause then it would be a foot" +"We just ate Indian buffet","I'm going into a food korma" +"Why is the military so strict about their uniforms","To minimize casual tees" +"what do you say to a dwarf you're evicting","pack your baggins" +"My uncle said that I was backwards. Hey, Peter, you look backwards to me. Do I. Why","Your nose runs and your feet smell" +"It's always a great idea for golfers to bring an extra pair of pants when going golfing","Just incase they get a hole in one" +"You know, over in Jamaica a slice of pizza will cost you $2. But over in Barbados, it's only $1. But carful getting in from the Maldives, it's only $1. 75, but people will try to take it right off your plate","Anyways, those are just the pie rates of the Caribbean" +"I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop","It was sole destroying" +"Helium walks into a bar","The bartender says We don't serve noble gases He doesn't react" +"I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, Take Your Kid to Work Day. As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her","As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with" +"What do you call a cow that just had a baby","De-calf-inated" +"A furniture store keeps calling me","All I wanted was one night stand" +"One of my boy scouts asked me, Sir, is this snake poisonous. I said, No, that snake's not poisonous at all. So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror. I continued, But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected","Let's get it right next time, boys" +"What do you call a plate that has a membership in a political party","A poliDISHan" +"You really don’t like dad jokes. I’m surprised","Hi surprised, I’m mom" +"The deer refused to pay. After the deer jumped out and hit my car, he said that he couldn't pay for the damages","he was flat broke" +"Why do chicken coops have 2 doors","If they had 4 doors, they'd be chicken sedans" +"Magic Trick Growing up one of my dad's favorite jokes to play on me and my brother was a magic trick he knew. He would say Wanna see a magic trick","And when we'd say yes he'd say OK watch, watch and we'd say we were watching and he'd keep saying watch and pointing to his watch" +"Arguments with kids","are just childish" +"I think I ate some spoiled Middle Eastern food last night","cause now I falafel" +"What did the asparagus say when it got a flat tire","I should've brought a spare I guess" +"What kind of beer does a redhead drink","Ginger ale" +"Son: Dad, I'm hungry. Dad: Hi Hungry, I'm Dad. &#x200B; Son: Why did you have to name me this","&#x200B; Dad: I named you Hungry, not This" +"I was ecstatic when I heard that scientists have finally come up with a cure for dyslexia","It was like music to my arse" +"How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears","A buck-an-ear" +"Social studies Dad Joke Dad, the teacher was talking about different cultures' mores, what's a more. Well son, when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie","THAT'S AMORAAAAY" +"Why did the road get renamed Hipster Avenue","Because it was too main Street" +"I feel so sorry for the guy who's job it is to crush cans because","It's soda pressing" +"My son said he bought a box of goldfish at the gas station","I didn't know the gas station sold aquariums" +"For. Sale:. Used. Chewing. Gum","Near mint condition" +"If you see a robbery at an apple store","Does that make you an i-witness?" +"Do you know a common problem for teenage ducks","Voice Quacks" +"I heard on the news earlier today that Scientists have officially added something new to the Periodic Table","Designated by the letters AH, it is of course the Element of Surprise" +"Why are carpentry teachers having a hard time getting students","Because it's mostly shelf-study" +"I don’t trust atoms","They make up everything." +"I hate jokes about german sausages","They're the wurst" +"What does a sick train sound like","A-choo choo" +"I may just be stating the obvious here","The obvious" +"I wanna die like my grandpa, sleeping","Not like his passengers, screaming" +"What does a house wear","A dress" +"What food is radical. but not too radical","A rad***ish***" +"How did the Roman feel when he cannibalized his nagging wife","Glad-he-ater" +"What do Left Handed people hate the most","Not being right" +"I answered the front door to my dad, who apologised and said I thought I left it ajar. I looked at him, bemused, and replied that's not a jar, Dad","It's a door" +"Where do you weigh a pie","Some where over the rainbow, weigh a pie" +"Pilots are usually pretty good people","Unless they’re working, then they’re not real down to earth" +"Rated","Underrated" +"Dad got my sister's boyfriend via Skype. So my parents were Skyping my sister (who moved many hours away) and her new boyfriend (whom they've never met) and my dad was wearing a hardhat on screen. Boyfriend: Why are you wearing a hard hat","Dad: Because we're building a relationship" +"What is a sheep's favorite show","Graze anatomy" +"What looks like half an Apple","The other half" +"Where did Napolean keep his armies","In his sleevies" +"Here's the thing. https://i. imgur. com/PxJeuH8","jpg" +"Dad jokes: now showing at a theater nearest to you. The year was 2007. The movie Reign Over Me was showing in theaters, so my family made our way down to the theater. My dad moseys his way on up to the ticket counter, Dad: Can I have four tickets to that show. What's it called. Something about the weather. Ticket Counter Woman: (blank stare) Dad: Oh I know, I'll have four tickets to Water On My Head. Ticker Counter Woman: (more uncomfortable blank staring) Dad: Oh I'm sorry, I meant REIGN ON ME. Cue more blank stares from the ticket sales woman","The fact that I still vividly remember that joke, more than all the others, 7 years later kind of amazes me" +"Dogs can't see your bones","But catscan" +"I just used the iPhone X for the first time and it is","Top Notch" +"Got everyone at the meeting today Boss was pointing out the new dry erase boards in the conference room and asked what we thought of them","Me: They're pretty remarkable The simultaneous groan from everyone in the room made my victory that much sweeter" +"My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction","So I packed up my stuff and right" +"You think dinosaurs are bad","Imagine dragons" +"I sent my son a picture of an animated stallion I told him to be careful not to stare at it's mouth","You should never look a gif horse in the mouth" +"I went to Madrid last week I went to Madrid last week and bought a pen. The pen was smooth and extremely accurate","Everybody who knew was surprised, no one expected the Spanish inkprecision" +"Today on the bus I sat next to a man who was an expert on fungal organisms. The whole time he was talking to me all I could think was","That is not a fungi" +"My friends dad told the most amazing dadjoke and roast in one sentence hahaha ok so my dad comes in my room and goes do you like disco music and. I was like uhh yeah. I guess and he goes cause it looks like your stuck in the 70's and hands me my report card that has 3 c's on it and","I died laughing it was the funniest thing ever" +"Did you hear the news about the Giant having dhierrea","It's spreading all around town" +"There's a new band out called. The 640. MB","But they still haven't gotten a single gig." +"People keep asking me about my broken leg","It's a sore subject" +"We have a Bosch dishwasher, my girlfriend just walked past and said Hey, it's finished","I said no it's not, it's German" +"We saw a Cat sat on the pavement, cleaning itself I wish I could do that says my Stepmum","Well, give it a biscuit and I'm sure it'll let you says Dad" +"Here's to the number. Zero. Thanks for","Nothing" +"Can I get American cheese","Cafeteria worker: We don't serve American Me: Well luckily I'm Bohemian and Dutch Got a 20% discount for making her laugh" +"Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom","Because the “P” is silent" +"I contacted someone to replace the old wood on my floor","I’m still waiting for a re ply" +"Tried to dad joke my husband, he one upped me. Eating dinner he dropped his fork and asked me to get another one to which","I replied, Fork you , without missing a beat he said, knife one." +"I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9","The odds were against me" +"I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon","I'll let you know" +"This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill","Will someone please get me a drill" +"Who shot Captain Crunch","A cereal killer" +"Overheard my little brother whining My brother (like many little children) tends to always prolong his no's that turn into Nooooooaaaahs Dad: Ah","The one that built the ark" +"Wife: I'm Pregnant Dad: Hi Pregnant, I'm repost. Everyone: Yes","Yes you are" +"What do you call a person who isn't sure if there's any more eggs in the fridge","Eggnostic" +"Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me","Luckily, my injuries were only Super Fish Oil" +"Got my uncle a couple nights ago. So, my family was having dessert, and my grandfather took my uncle's coffee when he (my uncle) left the room, ya know, to make sure it was safe to drink. Well, my uncle comes back, sits down, and wonders where his cup went. He saw it across the room, and then does one of those mime things where he throws an invisible lasso around the cup and pulls himself to it. He's pushing 190lbs, and as he got off the couch, still gripping hid lasso, i said Wow, that's a strong cup of coffee","Him and my grandfather couldn't stop laughing" +"During the filming of a episode of friends. Jennifer aniston could never work out how to work a boat. But. Lisa","Kudrow" +"A lady at a restaurant was asking what color the beans they served were","She was just bean racist" +"What do you call a snobby prisoner walking down the stairs","A condescending con descending" +"Did you hear about the woman whe gave birth in a staircase","She had a step child" +"I've done a lot of things in math but graphing is where","I draw the line" +"How does an undertaker make his money","He urns it" +"I was throwing darts at a map of the continental united states when I","Mich'd, again" +"I went to the store to buy a 6-pack of. Sprite. But","I accidentally picked 7-Up" +"Am. Inevitable","Hi, Inevitable, I am Iron Man" +"Why did the road cross the street","Because it was a crossroad" +"What kind of bagel can fly","A plane bagel" +"I called a dwarf by the wrong name","He wasn't Happy" +"What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards A receding hareline","Edit:spelling" +"Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl going to the bathroom","Because the pee is silent" +"Survivors of Dad Jokes [For the Kids](https://youtu","be/p6_dJDPgac0)" +"Why do ducks have feathers","To cover their butt quacks" +"What do you call a water gun filled with urine","A piss-tol" +"What do you do if you fart in church","You sit on the pew" +"If you are sitting on the toilet pooping starting at 11:59 and the clock strikes midnight","It's the same crap, different day" +"Never run with cheddar cheese","It’s sharp!" +"The best ones are created in the shower","If Ironman doesn't have his suit, does that mean he's stark naked" +"If a cow doesn’t produce milk:","Is it a milk dud or an udder failure?" +"What does the farmer say after digging a hole so deep it reaches underground water","Well done" +"I know the English alphabet has 26 letters. I know the English alphabet has 26 letters","When I try to recite it I can only think of 25, but I can't remember why" +"How do you get over a fear of elevators","Just take some steps to avoid them" +"Got 6 people to stand up and leave the lunch table Friend: I wasn't able to stop by my room between classes today, my Russian teacher let us out late so I had to hurry over to statistics. Me: I guess you could say you were","*Russian to statistics*" +"What's the tallest building. A library","It has hundreds of stories" +"My environmentally conscious friend built a car with wooden doors, wooden engine and a wooden chassis","Unfortunately it wooden work" +"Toad was always my favorite. Mario character","He just seems like a fungi." +"What do you call a pencil without lead","Pointless" +"What do you call a male ant that floats","Boyant" +"What do you do if you want to see a river","You stream it" +"My father-in-law posted this today. Not a typical Dad Joke, but I figured this sub would appreciate it. [Here you go. ](https://i. imgur. com/PMs2hRn","jpg)" +"What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle","Attire" +"“From a neighbor who posts dad jokes on little signs in his front yard. Started during the isolation to cheer up the community” “COVID19 DAY20 Ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon","I’ll let you know”" +"Why did the. Mexican push his wife off a cliff","Tequila" +"[Washington Post] Reports of kidnapping in Wyoming (x-post from /r/news) It's ok","She woke up" +"Bikes can't stand up on their own","Because they're two-tired." +"I once tried to get a job at the. Goodyear factory but","I found the whole application process a bit tiring." +"If a bear wears socks and shoes","does it still have bear feet" +"How do you say, Richard and Robert retrieved a rabbit without pronouncing the r's","Dick and Bob caught a bunny" +"What kind of cats eat with their tails. All of them","Wouldn't make very much sense to take it off just to eat" +"Had this feeling","Had a feeling this morning, that this day would be a 10/10." +"Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail","She got a full sentence" +"My girlfriend said to me, I'm going to the liry . Me: What's that. She: The place where you read and borrow books Me: You mean library","She: Yes, but I have no bra" +"How do Romans cut their pizza","With Little Caesars" +"How does Moses make his tea","Hebrews it" +"What do you say when a chameleon has a difficult time changing colors","A reptile dysfunction" +"What is an unrepentant cannibal’s favorite movie","Gladiator" +"Did you hear the joke about the avocado","It was pitiful" +"Not really that funny What did the big chimney say to the little chimney","You are to young to smoke" +"I chased this guy wearing a sexy tuxedo made of cat fur","It was a hot purr suit." +"What's a calculus professor's favourite drug","Mathamphetamine" +"My new computer can sing","It's a Dell" +"Awkward Waitress The other day my girlfriend and I went out for lunch. The waitress came around to collect our empty plates, and asked if we had saved room for dessert. My girlfriend's reply was, No, thank you, I'm stuffed. The waitress said, apparently believing it was under her breath and inaudible, a squeaky, drawn-out, Hiiiiii stuffffed","then walked away with our plates, and wearing a blank expression" +"The medical examiner’s office was told to reduce their budget","So they had to cut coroners." +"There was a farmer selling his produce at the side of the road, I pulled over as I was a bit hungry to get an apple. I noticed he also sold paracetamol and cough medicine. I asked him why do you sell drugs","He said I'm a farmer see" +"What is a flat earthers greatest fear","Sphere itself" +"Dad. I stubbed my toe. Dad: *pinches me in the arm* Me: Ow. What was that for. Dad: There, now your toe doesn't hurt anymore. every. fucking","time" +"What do you call an elephant that does not matter","Irrelephant" +"Why is it impossible to starve in the desert. Because of all the sand which is there","(Read aloud)" +"Dad making tea in the kitchen Dad: How many spoons. (of sugar) Me: Two please. Comes in and hands me a mug of tea with 2 spoons in it. Me: Dad why are there two spoons in my tea","Dad: Oh did you want sugar as well" +"TIL: Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg is working on an album together","It’s a joint project" +"Two peanuts began arguing","One was a salted" +"Dad:. I guess you could say it's a bit muggy outside today. Wife: if. I go out side and all our mugs are on the grass. I'm leaving you","Dad: (sips his coffee from a bowl)" +"My son said that he didnt like alphabet soups. So","I prepared him a times new ramen." +"Why couldn't the duck keep his job","He was addicted to quack" +"Did you hear about the Thanksgiving turkey who tried to escape the roasting pan","He was foiled" +"What does a pig put on rashes","Oinkment" +"why doesnt huey lewis like round pizza","its hip to be square" +"What does the iPhone say when it’s dropped from the the. Eiffel","Tower iFell" +"Dadjoked My Kid's Doctor This Morning. Today was my youngest son's 18 month checkup and when the doctor came in the first thing he said was please excuse my voice, I'm a little hoarse . Without hesitation I said you don't look like one . He just looked at me for a second and then laughed. My wife hid her face in her hands. Mission accomplished","If only my son were old enough to know what happened" +"Neil deGrasse Tyson just tweeted a Dad joke. https://twitter","com/neiltyson/statuses/429325051679084544" +"Dads will be dads why is it called a futon","Dad: because its something you can put your fut-on" +"Laugh Me: Goes to grocery store and buys milk. Cashier: Would you like the milk in the bag","Me: No you can leave it in the jug" +"Told my dad he should be extra nice to my brother today. Dad: Why. Me: Because it might be Father's Day, but it's also","Sunday" +"I don't put an orange in my beer often. Except maybe once in a. Blue","Moon" +"Why was Trump nervous about losing the presidency","Because Joe was just Biden his time" +"You ever seen an eggplant. Yeah","Well you've been further up a chicken's ass than I have" +"Why did Simba's father die","Because he couldn't Mufasa" +"Why was the lizard's wife unsatisfied","Her hubby had a reptile dysfunction" +"Why did the stadium get hot after the game","Because all of the fans left :(" +"I watched a documentary on bridge architecture recently","It was riveting and suspenseful" +"How's the new superglue","👌" +"I don't understand Chinese philosophy","It Confucius me" +"Real dads reactions to Zayn leaving 1D Link: http://imgur","com/a/2HFoR" +"What does a fish use to tune his guitar. A tuna","*(Sorry it only works in the UK)*" +"Jeopardy clue: A two letter word for a direction away from the ground *buzzer* What is up","Not much, what's up with you" +"Hey guys. I need a joke to tell my deaf friend","Preferably one he's never heard before" +"What do you call a bobcat in German","A cat of nein tails" +"Mom wants to get the dog a new tag","So my mother is discussing the dog, saying we should get a new tag for her collar and she says, let's make sure we get a cell phone and not just the home phone on it And dad walks in and says, won't that be pretty heavy" +"My little boy just told me this one What is a pirate's favorite food","Map-a-roni and cheese" +"What do cows read","Catalogs" +"Why was the math book so sad","Because it has so many problems" +"What do you call a fat Italian Jedi","Obi-Wan Cannoli" +"At the disney land star wars ride Friend: Hey, spoilers in here. What if I haven't seen Star Wars","(Joking) Me: Then you've been watching Alderaan movies" +"Australians don't have sex","They mate" +"I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars","The police are working tirelessly to catch him" +"What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt","A Cairo-practor" +"Just got done donating blood","I would say camping was a suck-sess again this year" +"I just read a book about the digestive system","The ending was shit" +"What do you call a sheep, drum, and snake that fall off a cliff","Ba Dum Tssssss" +"Working out is like a drug to me","I don’t do drugs" +"My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday","I couldn't find the words to thank her." +"Which snake weights 3 141 592 grams","[OC] A π-ton :) (I once wrote it as a reply to a comment and was suggested to make it a post, so here it is" +"What's a thief's favorite type of metal","Steel" +"What do you call a black and white loveseat","A cow-ch" +"Have been watching House for the past few weeks with my dad. The episodes always start off with someone getting sick or injured, and during this particular intro, a mom was helping her daughter rock climb in a studio. The mom's hands became numb for whatever reason, and she subsequently let go of the rope, letting the kid fall","My dad goes, That's what happens when you're at the end of your rope" +"You should watch Titanic when you meet someone new","It's a good ice-breaker" +"Never challenge death to a pillow fight","Unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions" +"Why is it a bad idea to date a tennis player","Love means nothing to them" +"The doctor told me I'm colorblind","The diagnosis came completely out of the purple" +"Thank you This isn't a dad joke. This is a thank you to everyone on this subreddit. 6 weeks ago the love of my life broke things off with me due to factors attributed to my mental health (which i didn't tell her about because she is struggling with uni and i didn't want her to worry) and I've been having an extremely difficult time coming to terms with it. She's falling for another guy while I've been self destructing to the point where she never wants to talk to me again. But i found this subreddit today, the jokes are so stupid and funny that for the first time since before the breakup, I've laughed and it was genuine. Thank you so much for your stupid jokes. You've saved my life as far as I'm concerned. I still have a long way to to, but this subreddit is definitely going to get me through it","Thank you 💖" +"Just burned 2,000 calories","That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap" +"I feel like my friend really changed when she became a vegetarian","It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore" +"My wife was complaining that I never listen to her any more","I said no thank's I've just had one" +"I don't let my kids listen to classical music","It's full of sax and violins" +"Why do communist countries have the straightest lines","Because they have a supreme ruler" +"I spent my whole life being proud of my. British heritage until. I found out that my. Great. Grandfather was actually from. Transylvania…. Now","I can’t even look myself in the mirror…" +"My friends and family came together and bought me a “most average guy” trophy","It’s a mean award" +"When do S and C sound the same","Whenever it's necessary" +"My dad told me this joke a long time ago *a long time ago*","Dad: this joke" +"I know you're tired of new year jokes but","I want to tell you one one" +"A man said he was going to hit me with the neck of a guitar","I said is that a fret?" +"We named our son after me","He doesn't really like the name Dad though" +"An optimist jumps from the Empire State building midway someone asks. How are you doing","Optimist: so far so good" +"How'd you sleep. My gf: morning, how'd you sleep","Me: with my eyes shut" +"I keep asking people what. LGBTQ stands for. Bur","I never get a straight answer" +"How do you catch a rabbit","By imitating the sound of a carrot 🥕" +"My anti-vax neighbor's one year old has been crying a lot these days","I think he's going through a midlife crisis" +"My friend said he was hungry. I said. I was","Czechia" +"I'm sure you've heard of alphabet soup. Now get ready for","Times New Ramen" +"Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium","it went OK" +"My poor old granny was mugged outside the Bingo hall","She was B 10 and robbed" +"On the path to being a great Dad Wife is 7 weeks pregnant. She turns to me and says the baby would be the size of a bean at this stage. I replied Wow. Inside you is a human bean","Silent treatment from the wife ensued, but worth it" +"My wife and I were starting to make out on the couch, when our cat scratched me. My wife said she was protecting her. I said no, you just can't have two women in a room without one of them getting catty. She left the room, came back, told me that was a terrible joke, and left again","I was very pleased with myself" +"Something my Grandad said to a waitress. Waitress would you like any sauce with that","Grandad No thanks I'm saucy enough" +"Why do musicians get sick","Bachteria" +"If a blue bird has blue babies, and a black bird has black babies, what kind of bird has no babies","A swallow" +"My wife told me to scrub the sink until you can see her face in it","It’s been half an hour now and I can still only see mine" +"Why do they call the ceiling a ceiling","Because when you put a roof over the house, you're sealing it shut" +"What do you call a cow that's being an ass","a dairy-erre" +"Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo","Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now" +"What's a dog's favorite thing to do at the beach","Scooby diving" +"What's the difference between a 48 oz. porterhouse and a falling star","One's a big steak, the other is a little meteor" +"According to a recent study, 9 out of 10 people who are afraid of hurdles","Never get over it." +"What do you call a penny that thinks for itself","A *cent*ient" +"I was out playing Pokemon with my fiance when I approached a group of teens with their phones out. Hey, I'm looking for my friend Amal. Have you seen him. He's a tall Pakistani guy. Can't miss him. No, sorry man. Bummer. Yeah I've gotta catch Amal","My fiance nearly threw her engagement ring at me for that one" +"I'm only 17. WHY. I was driving with my parents and see a hearse in an auto shop and I was like, That hearse's engine probably died","*then comes the groaning*" +"My special (cake) day was beautiful. even the cake was in tiers","had to do a (bad) dad joke for my cake day lol" +"A kid says “hey dad,. I’m hungry”","The dad says “wow a talking goat!”" +"My dad told me this joke a few days ago. I need to pee","Then q r s t" +"I’m adopted, and I’m glad that my parents were honest enough to tell me","But why every day" +"What do you call a cow that just gave birth","De-calf-inated" +"Wife says let's not get high blood pressure, that's nothing to mess with it causes strokes To which I responded Poor Michael Phelps . She said, Why . All those strokes I replied with a huge grin. Something different happened this time","instead of UGGGGHHHHH she snorted, laughed uncontrollably, and said well I walked right only that" +"I circumcise elephants for a living","It doesn’t pay much but the tips are huge" +"I bought a horse","I bought a horse and called it mayo because mayo neighs." +"Why do ducks have feathers","To cover their buttquack" +"While watching Pearl Harbor with my dad As one of the ships was being bombed, sailors were jumping into the water around the ship and then drowning. I made the comment, It's weird how so many people join the navy without being able to swim. My dad replied, That's nothing","I don't know a single person in the air force who can fly" +"Did you know Santa Claus was Russian","Russian to deliver all those presents" +"Can someone please explain the definition of vague","It’s meaning is unclear to me" +"I was about to stitch up her wound but she insisted she do it herself. Fine, i said","Suture self" +"I fell asleep at a concert","I was rocked to sleep" +"My deaf wife keeps talking in her sleep","Damn near poked my eye out" +"How do you pronounce the capital of Kentucky, Loo-is-vil or Loo-e-vul","Frankfort My dad just got me; he's been at it for 30 years" +"My dad was babysitting my 8month old son the other night . I come home and the first thing he says when I walk in the door is. That son of yours. He's been playing with poo all night. He's been throwing it at the walls and he's just covered your bed in poo. Baby has had a bit of tummy trouble during his transition to solids, so im not surprised that he's had another poosplosion and gotten it everywhere. So I rush into my bedroom to see the damage that my terrible tot has inflicted, only to see him sitting in the middle of my bed surrounded by my extensive collection of stuffed Winnie the Pooh and gumming the nose off his Pooh-bear cot mobile","You win this round, Dad" +"My Dad just rang me to tell me this. Dad: Hey Son, real quick I gotta go to work but I wanted to tell you something first Me: yeah sure what. Dad: I refuse to believe, that my hard working father who has been a road worker for 50 years is stealing from the job, but when I got home, all the signs were there","*click*" +"How many feet are in a yard","Depends on how many come to the barbecue" +"Dad, are we pyromaniacs","Yes, we arson" +"What is Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination","Hand Eeeeeeeeeeeyeee" +"GF got me good last night. This joke really works best spoken out loud, but we were on our way home, she's driving","Me: get over a lane Gf: but we never even dated" +"I will always remember the last thing my grandmother said to me before she kicked the bucket","She said ‘look how far I can kick this bucket’" +"I love my chiropractor","He cracks me up" +"If you ever need to fit 2 of every animal on a boat","I Noah guy" +"Why did the alcoholic rooster keep running around in circles","It was chasing after a cocktail" +"I went to an. Easter party as a. Jesus cosplayer. I told them","I was a crossplayer" +"You know the drill","But do you know the screwdriver?" +"We used to prov together but now,","I provalone." +"I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in. France","That place was giving me the crêpes" +"Did you hear why the annoying pepper shaker was put in prison","Because he aggravated a salt" +"You know what's odd","Numbers not divisible by 2" +"What did the beaver say to the tree","It's been nice gnawing you" +"What do you call somone who compliments you pi times","Irrationally nice" +"How are bottles executed","Decapitation" +"My friend saw a. Whole. Foods ad on. Pandora, and sarcastically said Wow,. I didn't know they made music","Yeah man, they've got some sweet beats." +"What’s the good thing about a broken foot","It heels" +"I'm a relatively new dad. My 2 year old daughter was eating a banana in the car","From the back seat, she started to hand me sections of the banana peel when I blurted this out: Don't do that, you'll hurt his peelings" +"It took me two hours to grill a chicken the other day…","And it still didn't tell my why it crossed the road…" +"Back in the day, I really really wanted a SNES for Christmas, but never got one","I was inconsolable" +"Why were the rappers late for their flight","They forgot Tupac" +"Why did the printer go to the gym","To get toner" +"Why did the tree leave the city","To return to its roots" +"Dad joke to start your career as a dad I'm pregnant Hello pregnant,","I am dad" +"It's like I've always said, if you've seen one collection of retail outlets under one roof","you've seen a mall" +"How does the ISS control its temperature","With space heaters" +"How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb. One","They're quite efficient, and not very funny" +"My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall…","But it was his dumb asphalt…" +"How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern","You use a pumpkin patch" +"Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves","Today was the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen." +"What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke","Your mom can't take a joke" +"I threw a bottle of Omega 3 cod liver oil pills at my son earlier","His injuries are nothing more than super fish oil" +"My Dad Should Have Been A Boy Scout I don't know if this necessarily qualifies as a dad joke as much as a dad move but when I was younger, about 10 or 11, I was in the backyard with my dad on a summer afternoon. The sun was going down and I nonchalantly said, I wonder what time it is. He looked up towards the sun and pointed with his left hand, causing me to look with him. He answered, Oh, about 5:36. I was in awe that he could be so exact but I still thought it was a guess, so I ran inside to check the clock in the kitchen. Sure enough, it read 5:36. I was amazed but my dad refused to tell me his secret. He just kept saying he just knew based on the sun, and that it was magic , every time I asked. I am now 24. And as I was sitting outside the other day, watching the sunset, I thought back to this, still amazed he did it. Then, it clicked. He was wearing a watch on his right wrist, which he looked at when he diverted my attention to looking at the sun. I hope to be like him one day. tl;dr I thought my dad could tell time by looking at the sun","He looked at a watch when I wasn't looking" +"My kids want me to stop singing Oasis songs","I said maybe" +"Guest got me at work I was working in electronics at a local big box store, when this guy comes in and asks where the new Adele CD is. So, I start looking. Me: Now if I were adele, where would I be","Him: Probably in a deli" +"I'd like to introduce you to my friend Luca Portabello","he's a Fungi" +"Has anyone here got a date for valentine's day. I have","It's February 14th" +"An. Indian salami shop just opened. It's a. New","Deli" +"I buy all my guns from a. T-Rex","He's a small arms dealer." +"Went camping with my family this weekend. Every time my dad went to use the bathroom he said","I'm going to the 'facilitrees'" +"A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog","It was a shitzu" +"Back in high school I was watching a baseball game with my dad He was carrying on about the game in a manner the tv announcers would. Me: Wow Dad you would make a great commentator","Dad: Maybe, but I'm not your every day potato" +"Old joke that has stuck with me So there was this hitman named Arti, renown for his very affordable prices. One day, he gets 3 contracts. He follows them around, keeping track of their daily habits, and finds that each of them go to the the grocery store after work at the same time. Planning to get all 3 at once, he makes him move and like always, was extremely successful","The next day, the headlines read, Arti Chokes 3 for a dollar at Safeway" +"I’ve always been against organ transplants","But recently had a change of heart..." +"Why do Japanese dogs never get locked out","Because they always have Akita the door" +"So I was driving and there was this Bump Ahead sign. so I bumped my girlfriend on the noggin and when she said what was that for. I said Look at the sign. I'm just following the law","I think I'll make a good dad" +"A coworker spilled a bunch of coleslaw on the floor tonight. My manager walked by and exclaimed, what happened here. I replied, It was a slaughter","She told me to clock out and go home" +"I went to college to become an astronaut","All I did was take up space" +"Some people find dad jokes corny","I find them amaizeing" +"My brother-in-law told me he wanted to duel at midnight. I said. I'd see him at. High","Moon." +"What's the difference between a cat and a comma","One has claws at the end of it's paws, one is a pause at the end of a clause" +"Despite what you think, earthquakes aren't perfect","They all have their faults." +"What did the Italian mosquito say","Itsa me Malario" +"What do you call a snake thats 3. 14 meters long","A πthon" +"Why didn't the Butterfly go to the dance","It was a Moth Ball" +"Why was the vegan afraid of outer space","Because it was filled with Meatorites" +"If. I owned a financial planning business. I would definitely sponsor a run","But only if it was a 401k" +"This one (translated from German) will have you groaning","Eins -> one" +"What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo","One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter" +"this guy nailed it on nasa growing/eating lettuce comments lettuce hope the","ISS does not grow any leeks!" +"Hey did you hear about that rapper that underwent 3 sex change operations","Yeah, Lil Confused right" +"My dad has horrible jokes lol. My dad:. I named my. Ipod. Titanic. Me:. Dad stop. My dad:. It's syncing. Me:","Dad please stop" +"I'm an exhibitionist who's aroused by confessing to people, but","I'm trying to change admitting it is the first step in a nude erection" +"What happens if you take away the bees from a group of bears","They will be all ears" +"Wife: It's nice out","Me: That's why I keep it out" +"I’ll always remember what my dad said to me before he kicked the bucket “Want to see how far","I can kick this bucket!?”" +"I need some help fixing my new pen","Anyone have any tips" +"Wife’s grandma asks, “So, how’d you sleep. ” Me, “With my eyes closed","” Grams, “It’s too early in the morning to do this”" +"I Became My Older Brother's Father In the Realm of Jokes Older brother answers a phone call while we were lazing around at home. Oh hey, Paige. What's up. Older brother finishes phone call and sits down on the couch. So what book is she from","Zero people found it amusing as I laughed maniacally at my own joke, taking one backwards step for maturity and one giant leap for joke maturity" +"In the style of Arnold Schwarzenegger: I'll be back You be Mozart. You be Beethoven","You be Chopin" +"Talking to my dad about The Beatles Me: Have you seen Across The Universe. I really liked it","Dad: Not in a long time, my eyesight isn't what it used to be" +"What does it take to make an octopus laugh","Ten tickles" +"I tried organising a hide and seek tournament","But I really struggled to find all the good players" +"My girlfriend wants a Citroen for her first car and asked for some help with picking one","so I told her I'll C2 it" +"Mountains aren’t just funny","They’re hill areas" +"to the wife, Happy. Labor day . But","I don't think it's fair to have two mothers days in a year and only one fathers day." +"My son and I go fishing just for the halibut","The reel joke is in the comments" +"I found a strange old coin with the faces worn away","I can't make heads or tails of it" +"I once had a healthy colon, but then I had to have surgery","Now I have a semicolon" +"What do you call a picture of a sorcerer on an Apple product","An iMage" +"I'm too young to be turning into my father. I'm not a dad, but my lame humor is sending me in the right direction. My girlfriend and I were walking down the street and she turned to me and said, Are you as tall as your parents. I responded, Yeah, I'm actually taller than both of them. She asked, Then I wonder where you get your genes. I said, Oh","usually at the GAP" +"I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook","She just uses a smoke alarm as a timer" +"Why is the cheese afraid to go to the gym","He doesn’t want to get shredded" +"Just gave away my dead batteries","Free of charge" +"Boycott packaged shredded cheese","Make America grate again" +"My wife and I are going on my dream trip to San Francisco to see the Golden Gate in person. She asked me, “What are you going to do when you see it","” Me: Let’s cross that bridge when we get there" +"What did the sheep say to its friend the llama","I can shear with you" +"The skin on my lip was coming off","So I pulled some of it off and jokingly handed it to my dad saying: Here you go Dad His response: Don't you give me any of your lip, mister" +"When I was eating a Wispa. What are you eating son","Wispa *Dad whispers* What are you eating son" +"My 2yr old wanted my phone so she could, ring Old Macdonald's cow. I replied","She's probably busy on the udder line" +"Stud finder Was headed home from work to wall mount my TV, wanted to swing by my parents to get my dads stud finder. His reply is priceless. [reply](https://imgur","com/gallery/1edM3j7)" +"What did Beethoven do right after he died","He decomposed" +"Got Dadjoked while working at Home Depot I was helping a couple with patio furniture and I told them to make sure to ask the cashier for the 50% discount on all patio furniture: Me: If they give you any trouble, tell them to call Garden. Customer: (Looks at my apron and points",") I thought your name is Chris" +"Made a legal dad joke. I work part time as a court clerk. So I'm sitting in with the judge and another employee about a citation for a person who had a dog off leash and out of a fenced area cited for running at large so I asked so if it's a small dog are they cited for 'running at small'","" +"What do you call a little guy in a pointy hat on a train saying tick tick tick","A metro-gnome" +"After some gardening I pulled this one out. I came in after doing some gardening and proudly declared that I had planted nine. My fianceé asked You planted nine what. I responded I planted nine, look . I brought her to the window and showed her my work. She was still confused until I declared I planted three trees. Three threes is nine. Queue the rolling eyes, followed by a little chuckle","She's a keeper" +"In the public restroom. My dad (57) and I (17) were washing our hands after taking care of business in the public restroom of our local grocery store. The sinks were automatic, the kind you don't have to touch. After wetting my hands and getting some soap, my sink shut off and his kept running. I could not get mine to turn back on as he rinsed his mitts. As I struggle to get it back on by waving my hands my dad grabs some paper towel and looks at me with the most serious expression and he says Ever feel like you're. Invisible","Then giggles like a schoolgirl out the door" +"Did I ever tell you about the girl that only ate plants","I can't believe I never mentioned herbivore" +"Why are mountains funny. Because they’re “hill areas”","Courtesy of a non-Dad coworker" +"The teacher asked Jimmy, Why is your cat at school today Jimmy","Jimmy replied crying, Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p\*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today" +"What type of Apple grows on a tree","All of them" +"Why could the vegetable not remember anything","Because he had yamnesia" +"Where do bakers learn to defend themselves","doughjos" +"Where do fish store their money","The river bank" +"I tried to catch some fog","I Mist" +"I ate a clock today. It was very time consuming","Especially when I went back for seconds" +"Her: Don’t you wish we could throw a dart randomly at the globe and go visit the place where it lands. Me: Not really. There is a 70% chance we will be in the middle of the ocean","Her: This is why no one hangs out with us anymore" +"There are three types of people in this world","Those who can count and those who can’t" +"A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment. The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment. Again, the clerk doesn't answer him. The guy asks several more times: W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment. And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy storms off in anger. The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question. The clerk answers, D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up","" +"Why don’t witches use dictionaries","Because they’re already good at spelling" +"what do very old people smell like","Depends" +"Did you hear about the fire at the orphanage this weekend","The damage was not a parent" +"One of the toddlers on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey","ICU baby, shaking that ass" +"3D printers can print guns now","Not impressed I've had a canon printer for years" +"All of a boxer's jokes have one thing in common","They have a punchline" +"My dad memorized this palindrome. Are we not pure. “No sir. ” Panama’s moody Noriega brags. “It is garbage","” Irony dooms a man; a prisoner up to new era" +"Got my friend with this one. My friend and I are putting together a dinosaur themed dinner next week. I found [this](http://cdn. hiconsumption. com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Jurassic-Dinosaur-Corn-Cob-Holders-1. jpg) and asked him Hey, what do you think of this. He responded They're pretty cool, I know they got some with basketballs and baseballs too. Then I said I think they're corny. He repeatedly said No. NO NO","as I laughed to myself hysterically" +"Give a man an inch","and right away he thinks he's a ruler" +"At the beach with wife, friends and three kids. My wife exclaims: Aren't our kids an odd trio. Aren't they always. Wife groaned. Wife's friend had the delayed giggles","Good times" +"The other day I was pouring frozen peas into a saucepan when one of them fell out onto the floor and rolled under the cooker","It was an escapee and hasn't bean seen since" +"He never misses an opportunity to dad joke me My roommate's girlfriend is currently participating in a study abroad program in Seoul, SK. She had posted something to my Facebook wall and my dad asked me over the phone what she is doing overseas. I told him and he asked what she studies","I said international affairs and without skipping a beat he said Ah, I see: Boyfriend here, boyfriend there" +"Dad and daughter went through my Starbucks drive-thru today The daughter had a cat sitting on her lap that looked really peaceful. I enjoy making small talk with customers about their pets, and so, referencing the cat, I ask is that a he or a she. The dad says back to me That's a she","She's my daughter" +"I recently moved in with my rich dad to his house on the French country side. I’m afraid I’ll never be as successful as him and buy my own place","I guess I’ll always live in my fathers chateau" +"In the forest, a sad lonely looking turtle begins to climb slowly up a huge tree. Half way up, it edges along a branch, sighs, then jumps. It falls smacking into the ground, bouncing and tumbling across the forest floor. Recovering and bruised, he slowly climbs the tree again, jumps and falls to the ground. The turtle tries again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watch his pathetic efforts","Finally, the female bird turns to her mate, “Darling, don't you think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted" +"So my dad had a tumour removed from his eyelid https://i. imgur. com/meBIwWr","png" +"I said the movie was average","He said, that's because the director was Martin Scor-soso" +"Want to hear a word I made up","Plagiarism" +"Which paddle do you use when you sit in the front of a canoe","Either oar" +"This pun has such a high clever-to-funny ratio Driver: are you well ventilated back there","Me: oh yeah, I'm grande-lated" +"Uno is Spanish for one","The more uno" +"I didn't believe my wife when she told me she was going to divorce me if I didn't stop quoting the Monkees","And then I saw her face" +"Why does everyone apply salt to their meals","It’s sodium good" +"Did you here about the restaurant on the moon","Great food, no atmosphere" +"What do they say in Paris, TX","Oui-haw" +"Dadjoked a customer So my dad owns a butcher shop. Customer: how do you cut these sirloins . Dad: um","with a knife" +"After. Handing. Me. The. Chainsaw,. Here, hold","Stihl for me." +"People often ask me why I became an editor","Well, to cut a long story short" +"This subreddit needs a reality check. http://i. imgur. com/eU1iqtu","jpg" +"Running a. Mayan school must have been difficult","After all you had to make sure the kids didn't sacrifice their principals." +"The other day. I bought a thesaurus, but when. I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry","I am" +"Holy Cow So we're on vacation in Florida at Silver Springs (this is a kind of zoo amusement park place). I'm walking around with my dad and we see this massive turtle. I look at the turtle and say Holy cow","My dad turns to me and says loud enough for everyone around us to hear: No Sam, that's a turtle" +"I like magnets","They're attractive" +"Damn you, autocorrect","Damn you to he’ll" +"How do you get a woman to say I love you on the first date","You take a dog with you :)" +"My youngest turns nine today Me: Hey bud, do you know what nine means in German. Bud: No. Me: Exactly","At this point he looks confused and my wife rolls her eyes" +"Did your hear about a new device that teaches a prince to rule and also keeps him cool during the summer","It's called an heir conditioner" +"Ladies and gents. I give you my dad. the most level headed person you will ever know http://imgur","com/tbCyXg7" +"I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage","The zoo keeper said it was bread in captivity" +"I cracked this one to my wife before. We were towing a trailer in a very underpowered van, and in front of us was a car towing a horse trailer. I said they're pulling away from us. but they do have a few more horse power","She wasn't amused" +"Why don't skeletons go trick or treating","Because they have no body to go with" +"I'm thinking of starting a pepper store","Gonna call it Jalapeño Business" +"I just bought a. Monopoly set which has no instructions,","What are the chances?" +"Kid tow away service, does it still count if I'm a mom. A strangers car broke down and they left it in our yard for a week and a half, leaving no name or contact information. After making several attempts on social media to find these people to come get their vehicle, I finally had to call the local police station to ask them to take care of it. An officer came and he talked about putting a 72 hour notice sticker on it and then having it towed. At the mention of stickers my 6 year old blurted, oh. Stickers. Can I have one. The policeman asked if my boy could come to the cruiser to get a few stickers. I said, sure but, kid, are you sure. After 72 hours they will tow you away. My boy groaned moooommmm","but at least the officer laughed" +"Road trip Driving through Georgia, the wife saw a sign for Jekyll Island. She turns to me and says, Oh I've heard Jekyll island is really nice","My response: Yeah, I've heard it's a lot nicer than Hyde Island Her: You're terrible" +"I got solar panels installed on our roof. When the guy asked for payment, I said, “Why","I thought it was on the house" +"If someone could bring me ground up wood chips","It would be mulch appreciated" +"How do Germans tie their shoes","With little knotsies" +"My friend got fired from his job at the dairy farm because of his erratic behaviour","He was a danger to himself and udders" +"Why is Diarrhea genetic","Because it runs in your jeans (genes)" +"I’m going camping with the scouts this weeekend","Should be intents" +"9yo son dadjoked me while rocking out to the radio My son and I were just now driving home from visiting his grandmother with the radio somewhat cranked up. Son: Dad, what's your jam. Me: I am not really sure, I like many different kinds of music. What's your jam son. Son: Grape","Grape jam" +"Which US president kept all his clothes in his car","Martin Van Bureau" +"Dad joked by a word document So I'm working a summer desk job where one of my duties is to print and cut out stencils to use in labeling materials. I open up the stencils file so I can use an existing document and make sure I get the formatting right. I was going to pick the first one when one near the bottom stood out. The document was named Walrus . None of what the business does deals with aquatic life. All the other things are named after what they are, such as Sheets Towels etc. So, for curiosity's sake, I had to open the document-- And the stencil said 5-Foot Seal","I groaned at my desk" +"Today. I bought a non-stick frying pan","I can confirm that there were no parts of a tree in the pan" +"When you excel in life","People start to spreadsheet about you" +"What do you do when you find a leak in the kitchen","I don't know, I'm more of a radish kind of guy" +"Just finished watching. Paddington 2","That marmalade sure gets him out of a lot of jams." +"what do you call a time traveling car","A quantum jeep" +"I never trust stairs","(x-post from /r/Stairawareness) They're always up to something" +"Everytime I cross a railroad I say, I can tell a train has passed by here","I know that because I can see it's tracks" +"I came home the other day and found out that all the bulbs in my house have been stolen","I was delighted" +"My doctor has asked me to provide two stool samples. I am calling this","poo for the price of one" +"My dadjoke was momjoked I was at my parent's house laying on the couch and browsing this subreddit when decided to try a few dadjokes out on my mom. Afterwards, she just stared at me blankly. O asked her if she thought I was stand-up comedy material, and she replied, without missing a beat: Honey","there's a reason why you're sitting down" +"If you look close enough","All mirrors look like eyeballs" +"Why is the ' Dad Bod not called the Father Figure","Someone missed an opportunity" +"Are you a newspaper","Because every day there is another issue" +"My husband's dad game is getting much better. Yesterday, I was running back from the school bus after asking the driver to give me a moment because my disabled son had had an accident and I was about finished cleaning him up. It was raining and muddy and I was in my bare feet, but this is the norm out here. On the way back I managed to get my big toenail ripped up off the nailbed down to about halfway to the cuticle. Never done that before in 31 years, and oh my, I have to say it was a whole different level of exquisite agony when I finally noticed it. Funny how you never notice things like that until you see all the blood and how it doesn't even hurt until you touch it. Sparing you the details of tracking in blood for five minutes before I even noticed I'd done it, the husband cringed quite a bit when he got home from work and saw it. Fast forward to today--my period started and I had one hell of a headache all day long. He gets home from work and asks, you ok, babe. Because I'm usually pretty cheerful when he walks in the door, but today I was cranky as fuck. Eh, period started. Headache. Glad you're home, I can take a pain pill and you can watch the kids. Oh. He looked me up and down slowly and grinned. So. now you're hurting from head. to toe","Motherfucker" +"It's hard to believe March 12th is already National Pancake Day","It really crêped up on us this year didn't it" +"Rocked this one while waiting for number to be called at DMV Son's taking permit test today and while waiting to be called we watched some interesting facts they put on the tv screen. Son points out, hey dad look Nevada's official state rock is Sandstone","Me: I feel they could have made a boulder choice" +"What do you call a guy who takes care of a flock of shapes","A shaperd" +"Parenting is like playing chess","I don't know how to play chess" +"What do you call a fruit with kids","A pear-ent" +"Dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is","No sun" +"I used to work in a calender factory, but I got fired","because I took a few days off" +"What did the band say when they were asked to leave","Alright, but can we GUITAR stuff first" +"Why did the lawnmower stop working","It was tired of getting pushed around" +"What has 2 butts and kills people. An assassin Thank you","I’ll be here all night" +"My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I figured it out. You can say","I solved the case" +"I invented a new word today","Plagiarism" +"Me: My girlfriend sends her love Dad: Which company did she ship with","When is delivery expected" +"Soy milk","is just regular milk trying to introduce itself in Spanish" +"I wish you could make jelly out of music","That would be the jam" +"Unexpected dad joke from Mom. My dad was grilling pork chops today. Normally not a fan, but I decided to try a bite. It was delicious, so I turned to my dad and said, Wow Dad. These pork chops are really well done. From behind me, Mom quipped. Actually, they're medium-well. -------- I paused for a good 10 seconds as it began to sink in, and then gave her the biggest applause I could","I'm so happy" +"Why did the man smear jelly on the open door","Because it was ajar" +"Go throw a jar of Hellman's in the Lake","Cuz it's Sinko de Mayo" +"My dad told this one today I was with my father at a computer hardware store, and commented on needing a new mouse, and he said: 'a new mouse","why don't you get a hamster instead" +"Why is it helpful for radio announcers to have small hands","Wee paws for station identification" +"What do you call a drawing made of cheese","A cheese doodle" +"How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach","It’s not hard" +"What's the difference between an elephant, a butterfly, and family","The butterfly can sit on the elephant's back, but the elephant cannot sit on the butterfly's back" +"Dad told me this one a few years back. A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in hand, column connected to the crotch of his pants. Bartender says isn't that steering wheel bothering ya, buddy","And the pirate goes yarr, it's drivin' me nuts" +"My father's dad joke. What does a vegetable say in a party for the music to be louder","Turnip the beet" +"Why was six afraid of seven","Because seven was a registered six offender" +"Dad dropped this one at a restaurant yesterday","Just his fork" +"What do you call Batman when he is injured","Bruised Wayne" +"RIP to all the boiled water out there","You will be mist" +"What is black, yellow, and buzzes along at 30,000 feet","A bee in an airplane" +"My wife left me after. I lost my foot in an accident","Apparently she was lack toes intolerant" +"I started working at a crematorium the other day. I think","I really urned this job" +"My little niece got a pony for Christmas. She told me to look at its tongue ‘cause “it looked weird”. Told her I’d have to pass","I didn’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth" +"How do you think the unthinkable","With an itheberg" +"I bought a pair of tennis shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but","I've been tripping all day." +"If ladies with big knockers work at hooters, where do ladies with one leg work","I-hop" +"My name is David, and I just lost my ID somewhere","So now I'm just Dav" +"I tried to get into the chandelier business","But there was too much overhead" +"What kind of hair do they sell at IHOP","Eggstensions" +"What do you give a sick dog that has a fever. Mustard ( a patient told me this a few days ago","I'm still laughing about it)" +"My wife just dad joked my dad Staying at my parents' house, my dad greets my wife in the morning. Dad: Morning. How'd you sleep","Wife: With my eyes closed" +"My dad taught his homing pigeons to dance to rap music","Now they're homie pigeons" +"My introverted friend is really worried that he has to attend a party full of married people. I said, “Don’t worry","There won’t be a single person in it" +"I tried to look up today's date on the internet","but all I got was 404" +"My son keeps forcing my daughter to play on the Xbox with him","I won't let him controller" +"How much room is needed for fungi to grow","As mushroom as possible" +"If satan ever loses his hair","There will be hell toupee" +"Did you hear about the cheese factory that burned down","All that's left is de Brie" +"Ever hear the one about the 3 holes in the ground","Well Well Well" +"I had to leave my job at the perforated money factory","the pay was tearable" +"Why can't melons get married","Because they canteloupe" +"Just wanted to introduce myself. http://imgur","com/a/agpv0" +"What did the hotdog say when he won the race","I'm the wiener" +"Why a bicycle can't stand on its own","Because it's too tired" +"So maybe. don't. try this one at home. Wife: Can you tell me I'm pretty please. Me: You're pretty please","Wife: **death glare**" +"Did you hear about why the train conductor committed murder","It was a loco motive" +"What do you call a tutor that sleeps with their students","A prostitutor" +"Did you hear about that deathly ill frog","He ended up croaking" +"Always make sure to carry two pennies with you","just in case anyone asks for your two cents" +"What does the sign on an brothel that has gone out of business say","Beat it, we're closed" +"How do German breads greet each other","They say - Gluten Morgen" +"Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change colors","He had a reptile dysfunction" +"They should replace batons with clocks in relay races","It would be a great way to pass the time" +"My husband during our kitchen remodel dropped a dad joke Placing the stud finder to his chest, he exclaimed Beep, beep, beep. I'm a stud. I couldn't help but burst out laughing","this is why he's my best friend" +"What do you call a pub that’s famous for its murders","A crowbar" +"I asked my friend if he was enjoying his African hunting expedition","He said, safari so good" +"Two bananas drinking at the bar","One says It's getting late I gotta split" +"What did Trump say after being found guilty of colluding with the Russians","Oops, pardon me" +"What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on a doorstep. Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on a grill. Frank. What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs on a grill. Patty. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool. Bob. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at the bottom of a pool","Dwayne" +"What is the prettiest pie","A pumpkin pie, it’s Gourd-geous" +"Why can you see through a parent of a transgender child","they are TRANSparent <3" +"What did Simba (The Lion King) order for brunch","A tuna frittata" +"What’s the loudest kind of sandwich. a B. yell T","Surely it’s been done before, but it just popped into my head and it made me feel silly" +"I gave my girlfriend a wet willy She got annoyed, so I asked what's wrong. Are you ear-itated","Got a vocal laugh, and was promptly told that it wasn't funny" +"What goes down must come up. That’s why","I puked." +"Me: I'm not very hungry, I just want something easy Server: Maybe the chicken strips for $6","Me: ,,, maybe it does, but that is none of my business" +"Not sure if this joke has made it here before, but my Dad just dropped this one on us at dinner. What did the therapist say to the man that came in wrapped in shrink wrap","Clearly I can see your nuts" +"I'm reading a book about anti-gravity","I can't put it down!" +"I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped","Needless to say, I'm ex-static" +"My girlfriend and me on the metra GF - Do you think conductors have to go to conductor's school. Me - No, but they probably have to get trained Totally on accident tbh","I guess it just comes natural now" +"Dad, I jammed my finger","Put some peanut butter on it" +"Hit my teacher with this one Him: So why does anyone know why orca whales are black and white","Me: Because they were born before 1950" +"NYC EBola Patient - Dad Joke Dad just emailed this to me. Do you know what he did the night before he showed symptoms. He was E-Bowling","LOL" +"I've been torturing my daughter with jokes for weeks now http://imgur","com/a/3XNNs Got some of them from here" +"Every damn time. *I stub my toe. Me- Ow, my toe. Dad- Better call a tow truck. Dad- Heh, never gets old","But does it" +"Calvin's Father is my role model I totally believe in parenting similar to Calvin's father. As such, when my 6 year old son came to me and asked me why his index finger was shorter than his middle, I rationally explained to him that it had to be shorter because he'd poke his brain when he picked his nose. It's been 3 weeks and he still believes me",":D" +"Little sister got me We were in Lowe's and I was looking for a bolt for my roll around at work","Me: I don't think any of these are the right size Sister: Ahh just screw it followed by a long pause then groan" +"People keep talking about these. North. Korean peace talks as if they are major news","I'm pretty sure it is all just koreagraphed though" +"We had Indian food last night","Everyone was full, but I was still hungry because I had naan" +"What kind of Nurse can cast spells","A Curse Practitioner" +"To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero","Thanks for nothing" +"My fortune teller told me that in 10 years I’d suffer a terrible heartbreak","……so to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy" +"Friend of mine just got a job circumcising elephants at the zoo","Said the pay is lousy but the tips are HUGE" +"Everyone’s naming their sons Hunter nowadays, but I’m deciding to be different","I named mine Gatherer" +"I don't trust stairs","They are always up to something" +"How do the seasons change","Autumn-atically" +"Heard they are calling that. Johnson and. Johnson vaccine “8 mile”","Because you only get one shot." +"What kind of work do dogs submit","My answer: Doguments My father's answer: Ruff drafts" +"My wife wouldn't stop nagging me about not helping cook the chicken on the grill. So","I angrily got up and flipped the bird" +"What do you call an undead Mexican","A Zombré" +"Dear. God, thank you for these noodles","Ramen." +"How does Bob Marley like his donuts","Wi' jam in" +"If. Disney, who own. Marvel, also acquire 20th century. Fox, they could remake. Die. Hard. With","Avengers" +"Dadjoked myself while spacing my ears. Just happened. Spacing my ears, and finally got to the last part of it. Unknowingly, I muttered to myself: c'mon, final stretch now","I'll show myself out" +"Why can't alcoholics become lawyers","They can't pass the bar" +"What do you say when someone offers you a hot dog, but you don't want it. No Franks EDIT: Wow. Thanks guys. One thousand up-votes is crazy for my first submission on reddit","My dad told me this joke while we were grocery shopping" +"I can't wait for my wife to be pregnant","At that point, I'm just always going to talk about the child in her" +"Why did the scarecrow get a promotion","Because he was outstanding in his field" +"What happens when Iron Man takes off his suit","He's Stark naked" +"I went to the health food store and asked for lavender oil. They said they didn't have it","I said But it's essential" +"Why doesn’t Mike Tyson use a PlayStation","Because he’s an X-Boxer" +"What language did ancient Iraqian mathematicians speak. Numerian","That's all for today" +"Why did the pirate get a job as a data analyst","He was good at R" +"A man walks into a bar","Lucky bastard" +"3 guys walk into a bar","the fourth one ducked" +"Did you hear satan got a new hair piece","It’s hell toupee" +"My wife and. I didn't want to have kids, so. I had a vasectomy","But when we got home they were still there" +"I keep hearing Mission Control check in with Dragon Crew, asking How do you read, over. And I just KNOW if **I** were up there I would be physically unable to keep myself from responding Dragon to Mission Control, I read with my eyes, over","I wonder how many times before they airlock me" +"Why is 6 afraid of 7","Because 7 is a registered six offender" +"Friend 1: Yo where's your mom","Friend 2: I don't have one, my parents are gay Friend 1: Aw thats too dad" +"What do you call a person really crazy about the moon","A lunatic" +"My friend is trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business","He makes some very good points" +"I just spent half an hour looking for scissors to open a package","When I told my wife she said, “oh honey, that’s terrible" +"My husband got me with something so groanworthy that it physically hurt. Husband: Are you going to finish your peas. Me: No, they're mushy. Eugh. Fine. I'll eat them","Husband: Thank you for giving peas a chance" +"A young woman was rummaging through her grandmother’s belongings, and she came across a mysterious lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp, Rick Astley appeared before her and said, “I will give you three wishes. ” A young woman was rummaging through her grandmother’s belongings, and she came across a mysterious lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp, Rick Astley appeared before her and said, “I will give you three wishes. ” She thought for a moment and said, “For my first wish I would like to end world hunger. ” “An admirable request. Consider it granted. ” Rick said. “For my second wish, I would like world peace. ” “Ah, this is a very difficult request, but it has been done. And for your final request. ” She thought for a moment and decided to make this a selfish wish. “As a movie buff, I would like a copy of every movie in the world in my own private collection. ” The genie a bit taken back . paused and said, “This I cannot do . ” “Why. ” The women exclaimed. “ You can fix world hunger and end all wars, but you cannot complete this simple task. ” The Genie looked away and said, “I can, but your collection will not be complete . you see","I’m never gunna give you Up" +"I went to the library to get a medical book on abdominal pain","Somebody had ripped the appendix out" +"You know what the best part about Switzerland is","Well the flag’s a big plus" +"I put together a cricket team, but they didn't do very well","They kept getting squished by the ball" +"Heard of cows *Riding in a car*. Dad- hey look over there it's a flock of cows . Kid- you mean herd of cows . Dad- yeah","I've heard of cows, there's a flock over there!" +"What Donald Ducks drug of choice","Quack cocain" +"I went to my doctor and said… “Doctor, I keep having these alternating, recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam; then I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me. ” The doctor replied, “It’s very simple","You’re two tents" +"Went to a ballet performance with my wife","The choreography was on point" +"you can’t run through a campsite","you can only ran, because it’s past tents" +"What’s white and really bad a climbing trees","A refrigerator" +"Which Pokemon was on SportsCenter","Venonat venonat" +"Told my grandpa that I wanted to study abroad. He asked me, Oh really","What's her name" +"Told my wife that Gene Cernan, the last man on the moon, died yesterday at the age of 82","She responds, Why the heck did they leave him up there for so long" +"I asked my dad What're you up to","He said eh, about 5'1 , 5'2" +"Why did Eve eat the forbidden fruit","She thought she in the Garden Of Eatin'" +"What do you call a row of people lifting mozzarella","A cheesy pick up line" +"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer the other day. I don't know what he laced them with but","I've been tripping al day." +"Mom read the headline Last man found in drug sweep Dad: Do they find a lot of drugs by sweeping","Imagine how much they'd get if they vacuumed" +"Did you hear the story about Saturday and Sunday","It's got a great start but quite a weekend" +"I think all my co workers are gay","Everytime I walk past them they mumble What an ass" +"Quick I need a tennis shoe for my nose","It's running" +"Santa actually only had two reindeer. Rudolph and","Olive (the other reindeer)." +"My. GF changed a lot when she became a vegan. It's like","I never met herbivore." +"What does a condiment wizard perform","Saucery" +"My 10-year-old daughter gave me this one: My friend asked me to round up her 36 sheep","So I told her 40" +"Is pro is the opposite of con, what’s the opposite of progress","Congress" +"I hate when people ask me where I see myself in 3 years","Like come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision" +"What's the difference between Dubai & Abu Dhabi","The people of Dubai don't like Flintstones, but the people of Abu Dhabi Do" +"I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday. I guess","I wasn't putting in enough shifts" +"What is the Australian dynamite's favorite pie","Boom meringue" +"Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France","They were cooked in Greece" +"Make sure you get plenty of sleep tonight. Tomorrow we begin a 31 day","March!" +"Last year I started investing in chicken stock","I made a bullion dollars in profit" +"Why did. Microsoft. Windows go strait from 8 to 10","Because windows 7, 8, 9" +"First one of mine here. (sorry if its a repost) So I was playing a game today and one of my mates was complaining. He said to me something along the lines of I just wanna live life freely, but girls make it hard , My response was Life must be pretty horny if all girls make him hard","That joke seemed to brighten his mood for the day" +"There are three unwritten rules in life: 1. &#x200B; 2","&#x200B; 3" +"If you ever name your kid Autumn. Whenever they go out of the room, start singing The Autumn Leaves","Bonus points if they come back around past the window" +"I just went to a jail poetry slam","it was called Prose and Cons" +"Ant. Man has a cousin who doesn't know how to do anything. They call him. Cant","Man" +"Flag Humor [X-Post for r/vexillology] [Flag Humor](https://i. redd. it/2zkdmjv2grux","jpg)" +"Why did the Beaver break up with his gf","Because he's in love with some otter girl" +"What's the best thing about Switzerland. I don't know","But their flag is a big plus" +"Dad dropped this at the dinner table Dad: Did they ever find out who was the roundest knight in King Arthur's table","Me: I'm not sure Dad: well I'm pretty sure it was circumference Mom: *groans*" +"Got my SO (and future kids) at the car wash. My SO and I were sitting in a car wash waiting for it to finish. We get to the point where they spray the multicolored soap onto the windshield and I shout, OH MY GOD WE HIT A UNICORN. She jumped, laughed, and shook her head saying You are going to traumatize our children with that one","I can't wait" +"What do you call a short Polish person","A Tadpole" +"What did the fish say when it hit the wall","Dam" +"Why did the man quit his job as a needle tester","He just couldn’t see the point anymore" +"What do you want for breakfast. This past weekend my wife and daughter were on th couch watching cartoons. I was in the kitchen and yelled, What do you guys want for breakfast. My wife replied, oh I don't know, whatever is easiest. Omlette you decide","This was followed by the sound of knee slapping, and her gasping for air laughing" +"What did one eyeball say to the other","Between you and eye, I think something smells" +"Man. I love my furniture","Me and my recliner go way back" +"What do you call it when there is no internet in Russia","Internyet" +"Did you know that atoms are Catholic","They have mass" +"Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day","The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo" +"Tried to teach my 4yo daughter about fungus. When her mother came home and asked about our day, my daughter replied: Oh you know","Say mold, say mold" +"Dad pulls up to a red light, Car next to him revs the engine and yells race","Dad responds Hispanic" +"Have you ever tried eating a clock","It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds" +"How to fall down the stairs, a step by step guide Step 1. Step2. Step 3. Step 4. Step 5","Step 6" +"Why is it so hard to get trees out of the forest","Because they’re so sticky" +"What is a skydiver's favorite season","Fall" +"I dropped my phone and","I was surprised that it didnt hit the floor turns out it was in airplane mode" +"So I started dating an OBGYN that said her job was more dangerous than mine. So I asked what her riskiest encounter was","She said she did not know, but she learned early to give mothers with fat babies a wide berth" +"What do you call a penis and a potato on a boat","A dictatorship" +"He couldn't stop laughing as he hung up. So I go to school about 600km away from my family, I call my dad to see what's up. I had just made this middle eastern dish called Biryani , basically rice with a bunch of stuff in it. Dad: Ooooh you're cooking now, what's in the Biryani. Me: Chicken, onion, mushrooms, carrots. you know. the usual stuff Dad: You know it would be pretty good if you added rice. heh. hehe","HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Couldn't even get a goodbye out of him and hung up" +"This coffee tastes like mud","Well, it is fresh ground" +"What did the pirate say when he turned eighty","Aye Matey" +"My 2. 5-year-old son was eating some sausage for breakfast. I asked, Is that good. ## No, it's sausage","I'm so proud right now" +"Why can’t you get out of a sex cult with R. Kelly","Once you’re in, urine" +"Dad joked. In Spanish. I'm on study abroad in Mexico right now, staying with a host family. Last weekend I went to the beach, and when I got home I was talking to my dad about it. He asked if there was a lot of people there, and I told him that no, it wasn't very busy. Then he commented that during Semana Santa (basically spring vacation) the only place to stay is hotel camarena. I looked at him confusedly, and he clarified. You know, hotel 'cama(bed) arena(sand)'. (Meaning the only place to stay is on the beach, because the hotels are all full",") This isn't the first dad joke I've gotten from him, hopefully I can remember more to post in the future" +"Why do the Hong Kong police wake up early","To beat the crowd" +"I thought I got my gf good while studying blood types yesterday, but then. Me: So what's your blood type. GF: O negative Me: Why do you have to be so negative","GF: It's in my blood" +"Classic dinner dad-joke by brother. I was cooking frozen fish in the oven and told my brother, can you look after the fish for a sec","He replied with I can but I think they're already dead" +"My twin brother called me from prison","He said, So you know how we finish each other's sentences?" +"Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween","It became a fright train" +"If you can't remember where you put your boomerang, just wait a minute","It will come back to you" +"My next door Russian neighbor is very secretive about the honeycombs in his backyard","He might be a cagey bee agent" +"I've discovered my inner dad today I was hanging out with my brother at his girlfriend's house today. I also need to mention she's the daughter of a pastor. She was feeding her pet bird some chicken when her dad walked in and scolded her for feeding meat to her bird. I said, now hold up Pastor Hill, maybe this is what the bird should eat. After all, it is a bird of PRAY","I'm expecting a beard soon and all I wear now is cargo shorts and crocs" +"What did Goofy say to Daffy. Oops","Wrong duck" +"Did you guys hear about the Leopard they banned from the casino","It seems they thought he was a Cheetah" +"Why are Mexican boys known as paragraphs","Because they are too short to be an esé" +"Why do cemeteries have fences around them","Because people are just dying to get in" +"I have a dog named Dixie Dad: What would you say if Dixie got into a wreck. Would you say my Dixie wrecked. Me: My Dixie wrecked. I had to say it a couple of times before I got it","He nearly died" +"What's the best part about ISIS joke","The execution" +"Do you hold dead people. My brother swallowed wrong, causing him to go into a cough session. Brother: *cough* *cough* Dad: Do you hold dead people","My brother and I give him a confused look Dad: Because your coffin" +"What’s the term for thinking you’re on a porch when it really isn’t","The gazebo effect" +"Did you hear the song about the tortilla","It's really more of a wrap" +"Why aren't Koalas considered Real Bears","They don't meet the koala-fications" +"Every freakin' breakfest Whenever someone from my family asked while eating Can someone pass me the bread. or something similar my dad used to open the kitchen door and yell Someone. SOMEONE. and would then state Well I guess there is noone here with this name . I guess i dont even have to tell that when you would specify your request to Can YOU pass me the bread","He would say that he can but if he should" +"How to you punish beef","Ground them" +"I was fired by the calendar factory. Because","I took a few days off!" +"At least I made their day Nurse: There's toothpaste in the toilet Me: it's because it has a potty mouth Eyes were rolled, laughs were had","And yes I kept thinking about how awesome that joke was the whole day" +"A Man Walked into a Bar The man says, “hey wanna see something cool. ” The bartender nodded and the man lifted his hat to a foot tall man who was play the piano. The bartender was blown away. He asked how he got it. The man explained that if you wished into the hat something you shall receive it. The bartender asked if he could try and the man agreed. The bartender asked for, “One Thousand Fucks” but the hat gave him One Thousand ducks instead. The bartender was confused and asked what had happened. The man responded it misinterprets things","Do you really think I wished for a foot long pianist" +"If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May flowers bring","Pilgrims" +"Fiance just got me. She brought home a bag of Fortune cookie mistakes , where they're all flat or broken. She hands me one and I say, oh, it doesn't have a fortune. She replies, yeah, it's unfortunate","I had to give her a high five for that one" +"I did really well on my blood test. I got","A+!" +"My father in law said he made $70k last year on pot stocks","I think he’s just blowing smoke" +"I'm proud of my seven year old stepdaughter. I've taught her well. We're sitting at the dinner table after my stepkid returned from a weekend at her dad's, telling bad puns to each other. This was her response to her mom. Mom (to me): Honey, you tell some terrible jokes. Me: I know","The kid: Mom, they're not BAD jokes, they're DAD jokes" +"I figured out what font my local police department uses","Sans Sheriff" +"Kid: Dad, I'm like a bone. Dad: *confused* How so","Kid: Unlike you, I'm humerus" +"Q: What's a vampire's favorite fruit","A: A neck-tarine" +"Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees. because they are so good at it","But if you look closely enough, you can see the trunk" +"I opened a business that sells wingless airplanes","It never took off" +"What do you call a row of boxers","A punchline" +"My son was bitten by a Pomeranian","He must be bite sized" +"I had to have part of my butt amputated","Now it's just a semicolon" +"Now a belt made of watches","That's a waist of time" +"What did the mare say to the horse","I want a stable relationship" +"Did you hear how the farmer got so much wool from his sheep this year","It was shear luck" +"Women should not have children after 35","I mean even 34 is to many" +"Kid got me with this one Tonight at dinner, he was telling me about the book he got at the library. He totally deadpanned it. Son: I got this game book called Club Penguin at the library. Me: I've never heard of that, what is it","Son: It's a place you get free books" +"My friends dad is a pastor He said he got to speak at a large church in NYC. I said wow, that's great what did you say","He said excuse me, where is the restroom" +"My friend just lost his job at the shoe factory","They gave him the boot" +"What do you call a blind deer","No idear'" +"What's Bill Nye's favorite day","New Years Eve" +"Got my buddy good. My buddy and I were just hanging out and we've got a tendency to dadjoke each other pretty often. At some point I made some comment about stealing his binder and notes. Yeah, and to the man that stole my Microsoft Office, I'll hunt you down, you have my Word. was his reply. After a second I looked at him sadly and said, Hey man, he's just looking for a new Outlook on life, I'm sure he just wants to Excel","I've never been so satisfied with a look of defeat" +"The man who invented. Velcro just died","RIP" +"I really want to go to the Middle East","Apparently their syrial israelly good" +"This joke is an oldie. [https://imgur. com/gallery/L4glNqn](https://imgur","com/gallery/L4glNqn)" +"My dad was just puttering around this morning. Me: Hey dad, what're you up to. Dad: About 5'7 and a half","" +"Why did the sailboat start doing drugs","pier pressure" +"I went to the grocery store today, planning to steal some aluminum","My plans were foiled by the police" +"What do call a pickled deer","A dill doe" +"Debate Note: MY19 = My 19 year old ********* Me - Mum and I are going out. MY19 - what am I going to do. Me - You can debate with a lot of people. MY19 - What","Me - Mass debate" +"The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte","And then everything crashed" +"A lot of people assume pirates prefer to be in the navy","But actually they prefer the arrrrrrrrmy" +"How is a police informant's therapist like a magician","One removes rabbits from a hat" +"Mark Antony must really like corn","He said, Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears" +"What did the dying router tell the new replacement","Tell my WiFi love her" +"My dad just used this pickup line on my mom at breakfast: Hey Babe. do you have an inhaler. . cuz you got dat assssss, ma","I spit out my cornflakes and ironically was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe" +"An Italian man goes to his doctor due to sudden hair loss","turns out he developed a case of alo-capeesh-ia" +"What did the Seattle mayor say when he banned straws","Alright everybody, this is the last straw" +"I think our cats might be cops. I was making the bed, and my cats always like to lie on the bed and try to play with the sheets and blankets as I make it. After I made the bed the cats (we have two) stayed under the blankets. So I said to my wife I think our cats might be cops. Wife Why. Me Because they're under covers","She shook her head and walked away" +"Billy Corgan huffed and puffed, but he just could not get the booger out of his nose","Despite all the rage, he still had a bat in his cave" +"Why don't clams share their pearls","Because they are shell fish" +"At my gf house for Easter her dad just said this, Gf sister: the Easter bunny brought her a Frozen fishing pole Gf dad: yeah she has to wait till it thaws out to use it","I chuckled to myself" +"My dad threw this one at me last night (Debating on whether or not our dog Buddy can tell time) &#x200B; Of course Buddy can tell time","He's a watch dog" +"I was at a restaurant with my dad, I asked him if he was getting the Chicken Cordon Bleu or the Chicken Kiev. He said, the Cordon Bleu's good, but I hear the Kiev is revolting","*(groan)*" +"Have you noticed","On an average, pirated movies are just rated 3" +"My wife couldn't find her root beer. Wife: Where did I put my soda. Me: Well how big is it. Wife: I don't know, it was just a regular can. why","Me: Well if it was a Mini-Soda your best bet would be to look north" +"My 35-year boycott of Ferrari's and Lamborghini's is still going strong","And will continue until they lower the price" +"I have a piece of yarn hanging from one corner of my room to the other","I think it really ties the room together" +"How would you display high resolution urine","In 1080p" +"Just got a job as the senior director of the old. McDonald farm. I’m the","CIEIO" +"Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France","They were cooked in Greece" +"I was gonna make a joke about pizza","But I figured it was too cheesy" +"I just had a near sex experience","My wife flashed before my eyes" +"The toaster","Otherwise known as, the ultimate bath bomb." +"Which has the higher body temperature, an adult otter or an otter pup","The pup - it's just a little otter" +"Knock Knock Who's there. Amos Amos Who","A mosquito" +"I was at a friends dinner. He and his wife had just moved into his new place, and he had invited loads of friends round for dinner, including my family. The food was great. There was a large variety and, for some reason, there was toast. I quite fancied some toast so I picked some up and was about to put it on my plate when I had a great idea","I stood up, held the toast in the air and exclaimed I'm raising a toast" +"Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie surfer","Because he was too FAR OUT" +"I think I want a brain transplant","Change my mind" +"A man walks into a bar. I asked, Are you okay","That look like it hurt" +"Son came home from school today. He was so proud of what he learned and told me, Today. I learned about","Photosynthesis, like a moss" +"What's a ducks favorite drug","Quack" +"There's so many differences between 12. AM and 12. PM","It's night and day" +"My dads recent play on words Me (Lexi): I’m so excited with these wedding photos. I can’t wait to start on making an album for them, Dad (Alan): You can’t do that. It would have to be a Lexibum","You’re name isn’t Al" +"I got fired from my lawn maintenance job","I was just not cutting it" +"The Z axis just left me and I don't know what to do","How do I go how am I supposed to go forward with this" +"I was assaulted by a man with milk, cream and butter","How dairy" +"What comic book hero loves dad jokes","The PUNisher" +"At a pal's house on a hot day 'Would it be cool if","I turned on this fan?'" +"I just watched a program about beavers on TV","It was the best dam program I've ever seen" +"Which animal is best at Baseball","The Bat" +"I am afraid to open the refrigerator door","I might see a salad dressing" +"What do you call a group of musical whales","An orca-stra" +"Q: What was Hitler's favorite computer game","A: Mein Kraft --- ^(/u/a_fan_of_grump points out that if you spell it meine kraft then it's grammatically correct German and it means my power - quite fitting actually)" +"Why do cows have hooves instead of feet","Because they lactose" +"Overheard the best Dadjoke ever today. I was at Advanced Auto Parts today and overheard the end of this coversation: Guy one: -ending a story about where he facebooked a one night stand- . so I found out I fucked my third cousin","Guy two: Well, stop counting" +"Did you hear about the man who brought dips to bed","He was a hommussexual" +"My wife just told me that a pizza restaurant in Florida exploded","I said, The owner probably had insurance and kneaded the dough" +"The best safe word a person can use is 'Meatloaf'…","Because it means I would do anything for love, but I won't do that" +"I sleep with a stuffed animal","I just love taxidermy" +"Got my co-worker today. So at work my co-worker was pushing a shopping cart full of old, Dusty fans. Me: You must be really popular. CW: Why. Me: Because you have a lot of fans","She skipped the eye roll and went right to a death stare" +"Costa coffee","Costa latte more like" +"Would anyone be interested in being my companion","Asking for a friend" +"Today, my son asked Can I have a book mark. I burst into tears","11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian" +"[PSA, not joke] Why you shouldn't read out jokes to your SO as you find them. Save them for later. I keep reading out jokes to my girlfriend as I find them on reddit, so she is too prepared for stupid jokes. I just tried this one, and it definitely didn't work. I should have waited. I only had one shot. Hey, why does this house smell like updog","Get off reddit" +"I was helping my dad move stuff out of his storage unit when I came across a stack of metal rods. Me: Dad, do you need these. Dad (with a shit-eating grin): YES. In fact, I was going to put them in the bank. Then it would be a *pole vault*. **Bonus rebuttal","** My husband (not a dad): Look, do you want us to help you or not" +"I thought Incredibles was Incredible. I bet the second one will be incredible too","Du dun tss" +"What do you call an unwell bird that robs banks","An illeagle" +"it all","The title says it all" +"So he was born on. April. Fool's. Day. One of the kids in my high school class was born on. April's","Fool and his dad missed his birth because when his mom called to say she was in labour he laughed and hung up on her." +"Got my chemistry teacher today She was talking about the shot/drink you have to take before a CT scan. She also mentioned that it contained barium. Teacher: Sometimes they ask if you want your drink to be flavored, even though it still tastes awful. Me: Did they have mixed berryium","Person in class: Booo" +"My dad told me I should put my dried herbs in an airtight container","he gave me some sage advice" +"Just dad joked another coworker; was as epic as I hoped A coworker was looking through our tea selection at work and said I could really go for some sleepy time tea right now, too bad we don't have any at the office. To which, I replied, Why would our office stock sleepy time tea. We might as well just have unproductivi-tea","He just shook his head in disapproval" +"What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman","Mick Jagger says, Hey you get off of my cloud and the Scotsman says, Hey McCloud get off of my ewe" +"Dad got me while hunting, got him back while at the only store in the town. My dad and I went hunting with some friends in south texas for opening teal season. As I am putting my waders on, he tell me to remember to tie my boots as tight as I can, or else they'll fall off in the mud, and that would suck, literally . He couldn't have been more proud of himself. Later he holds the door as I walk out of the small convince store in the town, and I naturally say thanks . He replies with you bet, and I told him really. Because I'm not much of a gambler","And he just frowned at me" +"I didn't realize this was so hard A conversation between my wife and me on the way home from a concert: * Me: It was a good show tonight but I couldn't believe the amount of updog all over the stage. * My Wife: What are you talking about. * Me: The updog. It was all over the stage. * My Wife: I have no idea what you are talking about. * Me: All that updog. It was right next to the henway. How could you miss it. * My Wife: I DON'T GET YOUR SLANG","Why is this so hard" +"I am not going to vaccinate my children","But their doctor is" +"Pity there are only a few Sheep cards in Magic the Gathering","I could have made a *Commander Shepard* deck" +"Life is like a box of chocolates","If you're morbidlly obese then it won't last long." +"If someone is blind but can see the future","Do they still have 2020 vision" +"“Due to the rising number of dolphin attacks, we’ve had to outlaw any overnight camping on the beach","” “We hope the new rule will help, for all in tents and porpoises" +"Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa","All the lion cheetahs" +"Why did the scarecrow win an award","Because he was outstanding in his field" +"Archaeologists have discovered that putting the burial chambers inside the pyramids took a lot less time than previously thought","It was literally a Tomb In It job" +"How can you tell the gender of a baby. If he cries it's a boy","if she cries, it's a girl" +"If masturbation was a sport","I'd come first" +"You know what really takes me back","Putting my car in reverse" +"My son got us all, and made his little brother cry, at game night. We were playing a popular table top naval warfare game, and my son proclaimed his next shot, I-1. His little brother, who was already slightly behind, burst into tears, yelling, What. You can't do that. Mom that's not fair","It took us all a few seconds to figure out why he was so upset" +"How do you find out what a ghost got for its birthday","You feel its presents" +"My dad was so proud of this one We were driving to school and there was a trailer with a boat on it","Dad: That car is carrying a BOATLOAD He laughed the rest of the way to school" +"I. Always. Wanted. To. Be. A. Gregorian. Monk. But","I never got the chants." +"Why did the fisherman become a banker","He knew all about net worth" +"Dinner recently with two dishes; one w/ Lamb and one w/ Rabbit. The waitress asked which one I liked better. I pointed to the rabbit dish and said, This one, by a hare","True story" +"My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead","She still won’t talk to me" +"So I don't swear in front of the kids. Something just popped up on my laptop and gave me a jump-scare. I said Oh Fudge, what is that","My GF replied with It's a sweet made from sugar, butter and condensed milk" +"I always carry a stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October","I call it my jingle bell rock" +"I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today","It was clogged" +"My wife tells my son (wearing a green shirt) he looks like a pickle","My son: I will take that as a condiment" +"Which singer never forgets his passwords","Kenny Loggins" +"Why did the chicken cross the road","To begin a joke" +"Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning","He was a good conductor" +"Can February march","No, but April may" +"Doctor, Doctor. I can’t stop sex bomb by Tom Jones. Doctor: Sounds like you might have Tom Jones syndrome. Me: Is it common","Doctor: It’s not unusual" +"My all-time favorite. A man is walking down the street with a herd of penguins following him. A cop stops him and says What are you doing. You can't have these penguins here. Take them to the zoo. The man says Um, okay. The next day the man is walking down the street with his herd of penguins and they're all wearing sunglasses. The cop looks at him, baffled, and says I told you to bring those penguins to the zoo. The man responds I did","Now we're going to the beach" +"What currency do astronauts uses in space","Starbucks" +"Hearing test Dad: I had a hearing test recently, but I still don't know the results. me: why","Dad: I haven't heard from them yet" +"i saw some joke about gold it was","Ausome" +"A rope walks into a bar. he sits down and orders a drink. the bartender says, I'm sorry. we don't serve ropes at this establishment . The rope shrugs it off and leaves. The next day, the rope thought to himself, maybe it was just the one bartender who was a jerk. I'll go back and try again. He walks into the bar, see's a new bartender, and sits down to order a drink. Alas, this new bartender says, we don't serve ropes at this bar . The rope is getting pretty heated at this point. He storms out of the bar, ruffles his ends, gets himself all twisted up, marches right back in, and demands a drink. The bartender responds, aren't you that rope I just kicked out","the rope responds, no, I'm a frayed knot" +"Dadjokes at the bank. Me (bank teller): Hi, what can I do for you. Customer: I'd like to make a deposit and if you could withdrawal some warm weather and deposit the cold I'd be happy with that too. The man then looked down at his kid who was grinning from ear to ear and gave him a high five","Had a nice chuckle after that one" +"Father's Day here in Australia and my grandad asked if my little brother was cold","Go and stand over in the corner if you're cold, it's ninety degrees over there" +"When I first heard the proposal to rename Oklahoma City after Ohio, I was confused as to why anyone would want that","But after hearing someone explain the logic behind it, I thought to myself: OH, OK" +"My 7yr old son brought home this dad joke from school. What do you call a snail on a ship","A snailor" +"Even though we disagree with each other a lot on Reddit, here’s some thing we can hopefully agree on","People who are reading this are on the same page" +"Why did the physicist name his dog nature","Because nature abhors a vacuum" +"I mean, he did kill a lot of ants. So I get back home from college this weekend and my mom was explaining to me how we had a pretty bad ant infestation coming in through our kitchen wall. My dad proceeds to tell me that he's gone through two bags of ant bait (they pick the food up and bring it back to the hive) already. I say, oh wow you must be getting pretty good at killing ants then, and he says I guess you can just call me the master-baiter . I had to stop and literally applaud him. My mom just rolled her eyes as usual, but I have to give it to the old man this time","" +"What do you call a Wookiee in a formula one car","Michael Chewmacca" +"Got my wife this morning I was in the bathroom and she called from down the hall, What's the brand name on my hair mousse. Looking at the bottle, I see the label has been rubbed off, so I say It doesn't say, it must be","Anony-mousse" +"I just read that Fed-Ex and UPS are merging","They're gonna call it Fed-Up" +"Vending machines are kind of homophobic","If the bill you feed it isn't straight, it will reject it." +"I ran into a dried grape at the gym this morning","She was raisin them weights" +"I went to a zoo that only had a dog","It was a shih tzu" +"I called out sick today. I told them I had rectal glaucoma","I couldn’t see my ass going to work" +"I decided to walk in someone else’s shoes today","They weren’t happy I took off with the pair" +"I just found out. I’m colorblind","The news came out of the purple!" +"I don't like sitting on the ground","I'm above that" +"My uncle's wife name is Chovie","That makes her Aunt Chovie" +"What kind of person wears two watches at once. Someone with too much time on their hands","(Thanks dad, love you)" +"Math professor said he only dates mean women","He likes to feel above average." +"Facebook Dad Joke My friend's dad uploaded [this](http://m. imgur","com/FICLicl) to Facebook" +"How do aliens pay for coffee","With Starbucks" +"I normally love this sub, but here's the thing. http://imgur","com/2ndg9yU" +"What’s brown and sticky","A stick" +"So my sisters were watching Legally Blonde. Dad walks into the room, a sort of stunned look comes across his face. Did you hear Reese Witherspoon killed herself. What. Are you serious. Yep, Wither-knife","Safe to say groans and a hearty laugh could be heard from around the household" +"The man who created the shovel","Made a groundbreaking invention" +"I don't see why people think the Titanic was a failure","I thought it went swimmingly" +"You know, it's important to have a good belt","That thing will see you through thick and thin" +"The reason no one enjoys washing windows","Is because they're a pane to clean" +"Dad joke from breakfast. Eating pancakes with a side of hash browns. Youngest son about his hash browns Ooh, they are crispy on the bottom too. Me They probably flipped it to get all the sides. Oldest son All the sides except the inside. Already mastering dad jokes at age 12. So proud","Lol" +"I have anxiety everytime I use a gun","I'm easily triggered" +"The first day of fall was habanero weather","It was just a little chili" +"Got dad joked by a dad down the street Me: Hey Chris, what you up to","Chris: (Lifts his hand up to above his forehead) About here" +"Dont you hate it when people answer their own questions","I do" +"I told my doctor that I broke my arm in 2 places","He told me to stop going to those places" +"Got the BF with my first dadjoke At a tourist attraction a large group walks past us speaking a different language BF: I think they're Russian Me: Where do think they're rushin to. Eye roll and forehead smack","Success :)" +"I knew a girl who was attracted to farming equipment","She was a real hoe for them" +"After watching my dad listen to a very long voice mail from my mother Me: What'd she say. Dad: You want the long version or the short version. Me: Short version. Dad: Nothing. Me: Ok the long version","Dad: Nothing much" +"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer the other day. I'm not sure what he laced them with, but","I've been trippin' all day." +"My wife doesn't think ahead We're standing in the kitchen, I have a pork butt in the oven and she's hungry. Wife: Is it close. Me: Yes, it's in the oven","She threatened me with a strand of hair" +"Santa's reindeer don't roast each other","they have rude-offs If you don't get it, sleigh it out loud" +"Did you hear about the paraplegic pilot. Yeah he's Wheely good at flying","*Thigh slaps*" +"The other day someone told me to stop making annoying noises","I said okay, that is sound advice" +"Wait. June's over","Julying" +"David Hasselhoff has started to refer to himself as Hoff","It’s less of a hassle" +"My wife plays violin. I used to play trumpet. Last night we talked aviation. My wife plays violin and her first rehearsal with a new orchestra is near. She had access to an electronic copy of the music, but wondered whether the orchestra would distribute paper copies at the rehearsal. For orchestras, the section leaders decide when everyone's bows will be moving [up](https://en. wikipedia. org/wiki/Up_bow) vs. [down](https://en. wikipedia. org/wiki/Down_bow) and annotate the music accordingly. Copies of the annotated music are distributed to the players. As a trumpet player who's never needed that kind of annotation, I've always been able to use the originals. **Wife:** String players never play from the originals because we have bowings. **Me:** And wind players have *Airbuses","* **Wife:** That joke was just *plane* awful" +"I make all my dentist appointments at the same time","2:30" +"Did you guys hear about the cheese factory explosion. Apparently da Brie was everywhere","But it’s ok they are building a new factory and it’s going to be whey Gouda" +"My GF dadjoked me, she's a keeper. GF was telling me about her Chinese friend May, and how she got her name. GF - She's named May as that is the month she was born in Me - Whats her brother called. GF - Wayne","I guess it was raining when he was born" +"How do you get in contact with a Greek architect","You column" +"Always drink apple juice","Because OJ will kill you" +"The solution is more alcohol","Because alcohol *is* a solution" +"Studying genetics with my dad Dad: If your dad has brown eyes and your mom has blue eyes, what's the chance of you having brown eyes. Me: 75 percent Dad: And what's the chance your eyes go opposite directions. Me: I don't know. Dad: One in four, because one blue east and one blue west","" +"I Broke My Finger Last Week","On the other hand, I’m okay" +"How did the locomotive engineer learn his craft","He was trained" +"Someone stole my coffee cup. *I'm going to the police station to look at mug shots","* (I like this version better, that's all" +"A man comes up with a great idea for a new shipping method A young man comes up with a great idea for a new shipping method. He designs everything himself, hires people to create models, and deduces that he can use old fashioned boating technology to increase shipping speeds by up to 350%. This is obviously a great innovation, so he calls up a former Business professor from college and gets into contact with a manufacturer. The manufacturer makes the man come in and present his design to the board of directors, so they schedule a meeting in two weeks. At the meeting, the board is blown away. The man’s charisma, design, and equations all point to a massive innovation in shipping. The company is poised to make a huge profit. Construction starts immediately. On his flight back, the man happens to sits next to his old buddy from high school, Jimmy. Jimmy tells the man that he has just blown the farming world wide open. His new GMO potato produces five times as much energy and has been the talk of the world. Jimmy says that all the news outlets have been reporting potatoes to be the next big superfood, and his design is poised to make him millions, if not billions of dollars. Jimmy pitches the man for the entire plane ride, and convinced him. They hop on the next flight back to visit the board of directors once again. The board is shocked. Both ideas stand to make billions of dollars for the company, but there is one slight problem. The CEO says to the man, “we know you have these two ideas. However, we can only allocate enough resources to make one of them profitable. I recommend you take some time off and really decide which of these ideas you want our company to produce. We can schedule a meeting in a few weeks if that works for you. ” The man says right back to the CEO, “I’m going to take a walk and clear my head. This is a big decision” and walks right out of the room. Not even five seconds later the man comes back into the room and says “I’ve made my decision. Let’s go with the shipping method. ” This shocks the CEO, who says “are you sure. This is a billion dollar decision and you only took five seconds to think about it","” The man looks back at him and says “well, in this business time is money— so I decided to make my decision schooner rather than tater”" +"How does Ryu greet Ken","how-YOU-ken" +"How do you offer a dinosaur something to drink","Tea, Rex" +"Why do cars hate long trips","Cause the wheels get tired" +"My wife didn't want to watch. Chernobyl","She had a meltdown of her own" +"My Dad is pretty corny. So, me, my parents, and my best friend were all eating outside. My parents had made steak and corn on the cob wrapped in tinfoil. My mom isn't a big fan of my dad's grilling skills (she always says they meat's too dry for her), so she gave most of hers to our dog. She instead ate 2 servings of the corn (we had an extra, despite my friend showing up). Early that day I had made lettuce bowls with turkey-taco fillings, and it had lots of corn in it, among other things. My mom: This is the 3rd serving of corn I've eaten today. (Or something along the lines of that. ) My dad: Wow, that's a-maize-ing. I commented, 'This is why they call them dad jokes', and my mom asked, 'Why. Is it because they're so shitty. Anyway, I figured you guys might enjoy this small exchange",":p" +"I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her","But unfortunately Sierra Mist" +"My mailman just went through gender reassignment surgery","She is now a postman" +"Man, I saw this one coming a mile away. A few minutes ago, I was pretty thirsty, so I said aloud to myself, I feel like a glass of milk, and went to get some from the fridge. My dad of course heard me say this, and he came up to me as I was pouring myself a glass. He just patted my arm a few times and said No","I groaned because I knew exactly what he was thinking as soon as I was his eyes light up with that this is gonna be hilarious look" +"Why did the cookie go to the doctor's","It was feeling crummy" +"My boyfriend dropped this while watching the Sochi Games","You win some, you Luge some" +"There are two kinds of people in this world","Those that can extrapolate incomplete data," +"You know what a porcupine's favorite sandwich is, don't you","Quilled cheese" +"What do you call a baby elephant","An inphant" +"All of the knights at the round table were mostly expected","Except for one: Sir Prise" +"My co-worker asked me if I like Eminem. I said no, I'm more of a Skittles guy. No I'm talking about the rapper. Why would I want to eat the wrapper","I asked" +"Son, you should be like a carpenter building stairs","Always think one step ahead" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When the punchline becomes apparent" +"What do you call a ghost that breaks into your house and steals from you","A Boogaler" +"Bought a gear building set for my kid","Heard it improves their cognitive skills" +"I work at a restaurant as a bartender/server. And a guy ordered a medium rare sirloin for lunch. Once everyone got their food, I gave them a few minutes to dig in, and then went to check how they all were doing. Here's how it went. Me: Hi guys, is everyone still doing well over here. (Pause to turn to the guy with the steak). Or should I say medium rare ehh. *finger guns and chuckles* Guys: silence","Complete silence Me: *cracks up at my own stupid joke and walks away with no shame, leaving them in awe of my greatness*" +"Don't have phone sex","You might catch hearing aids" +"A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink. His father says, Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this. And with that, he pulls out a book called, 1001 Dad Jokes . The new Dad says, Dad, I'm honored, as tears well up in his eyes. His father says, Hi Honored, I'm Dad","" +"If a Bluebird has blue-babies, and a blackbird has black-babies, what kind of bird has no-babies","A Swallow" +"What do you call a slutty bug","a whorenet" +"What do you call a film with cows as actors","A Moooo-vie" +"If Elon Musk’s car accidentally lands on the Sun","Will he be able to call Onstar" +"As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself","“This takes me back" +"So. I gave my girlfriend a knife today. In that moment, it became a","BaeBlade" +"Dad, can you put my shoes on","No, I don't think they'll fit me" +"What happens when you drink 8. Pepsi's","You throw 7-Up." +"[NSFW]. Why do we call it anal bleaching. And not Changing. Your","Ring-Tone ?" +"English is not the easiest of languages","It can be understood through tough thorough thought though" +"I am, without question","A terrible journalist" +"I've just finished watching a documentary on beavers","I've got to say, it was the best dam program I've ever seen" +"Dad joke failed at Petsmart today We bought a new puppy so were out buying a new collar. The lady employee said Awww is that a full Corgi","And I said Oh yeah, she just ate about an hour ago she just looked at me and said is she a full BLOOD corgi" +"My girlfriend can never decide on a outfit the first time when we go out, and she always tells me she needs to go change To which I respond, I don't want you to change, I like you just the way you are","And every time she thinks I'm going to say something about her clothing before the eye roll comes" +"My Grandpa told the longest buildup to the dad -est joke I've ever heard. So there was a murderer and his name was Ardy. His last name was too long and complicated and everyone knew him in town, so everyone called him Ardy . One of his buddies asked him to kill this guy for $3000 and after Ardy did a bit of research, he realized he knew him and had a grudge against him for years. So Ardy told the guy: I hate this guy so much, I'll kill him for free. Ardy's buddy said Are you sure. I gotta give you something. So Ardy said, Ok ok. I'll do it for a dollar. The next morning, the guy was at Meijer (A grocery store) and Ardy came up behind him and choked him with his scarf. When he was done killing him, there was a woman screaming at him to stop. So Ardy had to choke her with his scarf too. After that, he ran to his car and there was an old man watching him, so Ardy went over and choked him too. In the middle of killing the old man, the police pulled up and arrested Ardy. After a bit of interrogation, Ardy admitted to killing all of them, and especially the first guy for only a dollar","The next morning, the headlines read: *Ardy Chokes 3 for a Dollar at Meijer*" +"If you get bladder problems","Urine trouble" +"The local librarian is obviously a dad. Me: I'd like to check these [books] out. Librarian: Sorry, that's actually against the rules. Me: Huh","Librarian: You see, checking them out only makes them shelf conscious" +"What do you get when you cross a street with a blindfold","Hit by a car" +"Did you hear the one about the new broom","It's sweeping the nation" +"I really like. Pearl. Jam’s first album. But after that, it doesn’t get. Eddie","Vedder." +"It's a grandpa joke but whatever. 'Kids, when you're my age, you'll really want to wear diapers again for 2 good reasons' 'What are the reasons. ' '#1, and #2' 'Oh grandpa. ' 'You don't understand","#2 was a solid one' 'Stoooop' 'And you should already understand #1, it runs in your genes'" +"Dogs and Chocolate After hearing a story about a friends dog getting into a box of chocolate my sister asked, Is there like an antidote for chocolate the vets can give the dog","Dad: Vanilla" +"What is an outlaw's favorite font family","Sans sheriff" +"Heard a rumour that Canadians are really nice people","Come to find out it's Trudeau" +"Wow dad. That is a big mail truck","Yes son, the males are usually larger than the females" +"I don't like maritime puns","They serve no porpoise" +"What do you call a ghost chicken","A poultrygeist" +"Had some dadscussion with my friend the other day. We were doing a short video and he was post-editing. While figuring out what we needed to do for it, we came across something very interesting. He was drinking milk tea at the time: Friend: OPPURTINITY. I love opportunities. (sips drink) Me: I prefer opportuni-coffee instead. It tastes better. Friend: What. Me: Opportuni-coffee. (points at drink) Opportuni-tea","He almost spat his drink" +"You know why the Indians were here first","They had reservations" +"Silverback Kids nickname is Monkey. And so it begins. \*Monkey\* \- Dad, if I'm monkey is mom a gorilla. \*Dad\* \- \*Chuckling\* absolutely kid \*Monkey\* \- Dad if mom is a gorilla. are you the silverback","\*Mom\* Smirk \- Absolutely monkey" +"I've counted at least two dozen lamp stores near my house","I don't know how they all keep the lights on" +"When I was a kid the alphabet only had 25 letters","nobody knew why" +"Puns about communism are not funny","Unless everyone gets them" +"It happened. I've made the transition. My cousin asked about my bank Asking about my bank, my cousin says Do you have Chase. I respond No they didn't catch me . My family looked at me confused as hell. Especially the younger ones. I say You know. cause it's Chase . No laughter","Just sad times ahead" +"One of my best friends has worked as a plumber his whole life","Sounds like his career is going down the drain" +"The other day. I was washing the car with my son. He asked me why","I couldn’t just use a sponge." +"Let's all take a moment to appreciate organ donors","It takes guts to do what they do." +"My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall","I said maybe" +"From my father-in-law at dinner tonight. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws. Outlaws are wanted","PS; I have a great relationship with my in-laws" +"Just replaced my bed with a trampoline","Wife's gonna hit the the ceiling when she finds out." +"What is it called when a chickpea is murdered","Hummuside" +"You shouldn't kiss anyone on. January 1st","It's only the first date" +"I hate Russian nesting dolls","They’re so full of themselves" +"I had a good joke about the Ozone layer","[depleted]" +"Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says","“I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”" +"My small pepper needs a coat","Because he's just a little chili" +"Every. Single. Day. Me: Dad, I am going to take a shower","Dad: Why don't you ever leave one for everyone else" +"Cop: I think the suspects are at large. Starbucks Barista: Huh. Cop: The suspects are at Venti","Barista: Oh my God" +"I got some bad news yesterday","My ex got hit by a car and my license got suspended" +"A man got pulled over for using his mobile phone He explained to that it was a call from his wife, so he wasn't talking on the phone, just listening","&#x200B; The cops let him go" +"What do houses wear","Address" +"Today, my son asked me; Can I have a book mark. and I burst into tears","11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Bryan" +"Dadjoked at work. I was sitting at my desk after a customer left: Me: Looks like we have a new regular. Coworker: What's their name. Me: Not sure, but they signed J. Demore on the receipt. Coworker: Oh well","I guess Demore the merrier" +"Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups","Because they can't even" +"My dad dropped this on my mother last weekend As my mom started pulling out of the gas station, the chime started going off. She looked down at the dash and read out loud passenger door is ajar. My dad responded with make up your mind. Is it a door or a jar","We then high fived" +"Mystery solved Wife: I just swept, I don't understand where all of this dog hair came from. Me: Probably the dog","The eye roll was likely visible from orbit" +"Why did the beaver cross the road","Because he didn’t give a dam" +"Why couldn't they capture the cyber criminal","Because he ransomware" +"Visited my parents. Dad drops this one about nostalgia. Mom and I discussing nostalgia","Dad: Nostalgia is such a thing of the past" +"Has everyone already hearad the one about Orion's belt. I don't want to waist anyone's time. Sorry, bad joke","3 stars" +"“Back in the day. ” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well. ” “But today. ” he continued","“Wherever you go, there are cameras" +"Why did the crow take a job with HR","Because it heard it could fire people with just caws" +"A blind man walks into a bar. And a table","And a chair" +"A spelling Dadjoke My daughter asked me: Is unexpectedly a word. I said Yeah. She said: How do you spell it. I said: Well, not in the way you might think","(I'm not so great at these, but I was pretty proud of myself -and that's what makes it a Dadjoke" +"What is the smartest peak one can summit","Mount Cleverest" +"Why did Tigger have his head in the toilet","He was looking for Pooh" +"At the zoo I was reminded that my husband is a Dad There was a zoo employee holding a polar bear foot for children to touch. As he pushed the stroller past, my husband paused, leaned towards him, and said, aren't you chilly. You have bear feet. Then he grinned and laughed","I wasn't quite close enough to hear the setup, so he even got to repeat the joke for me" +"How do oceans greet eachother","They wave" +"Did you see that the IRS was doing a bunch of audits and found one corporation listed a turtle as their CEO","Turns out it was a shell company" +"Origin of Dad Jokes https://i. redd. it/z8ly9mo1hia11","png" +"Every time we drove by a farm Dad: You hear about the guy who owns that farm. *sighs*. No I didn't","He was out standing in his field" +"My wife is angry that the lady next door sunbathes nude. Me","I’m on the fence" +"What do they do when a chemist dies","They Barium" +"What kind of shoes are best for sneaking around in","Leather ones, because they’re made of Hide" +"They really should rename hot dogs to hot wolves","They always come in packs" +"I was talking to my dad about rock music. I just found out that Disturbed covered a song by U2. Really. Which one. I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For","Well, I'm sure that if you keep looking you'll find the song they covered" +"Dad pulled a joke on the waitress. Dad: I'll have the bacon cheddar burger. Waitress: How would you like that cooked. Dad: On a grill, please","She was surprisingly amused" +"What do you call a dinosaur with shoes on","Zapatosaurus" +"My wife asked if I can bring her a hair band from the bathroom. I asked her which one. Poison, Stryper, or Warrant. Her eyes rolled","Success" +"Transgender Son Dad, I have to tell you some thing, im actually transgender","Well I guess that makes me transparent" +"Is it legal to wear snakes on your head. I'm asking for a friend of mine","Medusanal purposes only" +"At what time of day do Germans disagree. Nein. (for this to be effective, say this quite loudly in a German accent",") My dad loves this one, he always laughs the loudest at his own joke" +"Im fed up with all these kids taking classes that dont matter. You know what I took up in school","Space" +"My doctor asked me, “Have you ever struggled with pneumonia before. ” Me: Yes doc, once before. Doctor: When","Me: In school, when the teacher asked me to spell it" +"My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping","with a *really* angry bear somewhere close by" +"My son is nervous about his upcoming driving test. I said, “Don’t worry","Your parallel parking skills are unparalleled" +"How does a penguin build it’s house","Igloos it together" +"I saw two chickens wrestling in the pen today","I think I saw one of them flip a bird, but I'm not sure" +"I made a documentary film about people who look for deals at thrift stores","It's called Goodwill Hunting" +"If. Genghis. Khan. So","Khan you." +"My girlfriend was feeling naughty last night. So my girlfriend asked me to help her brush her hair cause she said it was knotty. This is our conversation GF: Hey can you brush my hair real quick. It's knotty. ME: Sure but let me slip into something more comfortable. GF: Why. ME: Cause it's naughty (also had my best sexy face on) GF: . Ugh","Needless to say she's brushed it herself" +"Dad-joked my co-worker She threw some of her lunch at me and goes LETTUCE. I replied with let us what. I had 6 pairs of eyes rolling simultaneously, along with a groan from another room","Haha" +"Knock knock Who's there. Cows go Cows go who","No you idiot, cows go moo" +"What do you call it when the Queen can see the future","Clairfoyance" +"Dadjoked after the dentist Dad took me up from the dentist and asked How was it. I responded with He did a great job","He followed with Awesome, I'd say we should get him a little plaque, but you probably just took care of that" +"I can't believe I fell asleep at the wheel","I'm not hurt, but my pottery is ruined" +"What do you get when you let a mouse mop your kitchen","A squeaky clean floor" +"Why are overeaters often unable to spare you much time","They usually have a lot on their plate" +"So my dad gave me a bison burger","And then left" +"A truck driver at my work told me this wonderful gem Im not feeling to good. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I can't stop tripping. Eh. Eh","Yeah you're laughing" +"Doctor:. Sir,. I’m afraid that your. DNA is backwards. Me:","And?" +"I was reading about the guy who invented contract hits","He made a killing" +"Who won the skeleton beauty contest","No body" +"What can we learn from Napoleon and Hitler's abortive Eastern front campaigns","Don't go Russian into things" +"A lot of people say I have diahhrea of the mouth","I always tell them it is healthy to have vowel movements" +"Constantinople can you spell it with two letters?. I.","T." +"I just got a job at old. McDonalds farm. I’m the new","CIEIO" +"Why was the orchestra rated R","Because it contained alot of violin" +"Dad, im hungry. My dad used to always pull this one on me as a kid","Me: Dad, I'm hungry Dad: Run about there until you're fed up In Belfast, I'm fed up is a euphemism for I'm bored" +"Did you hear about that new battle royal game about shoes","You have to be the sole survivor" +"What do you get when you cross a cookie and a hammer","Cookie crumbs" +"What does a gay horse eat","Haaaaay" +"What did one snowman said to the other snowman","Hey, can you smell carrots" +"What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle","attire" +"If I made a cat video","I wonder how many mews it would get" +"I'm just going to stand outside","If anyone asks, I'm outstanding" +"A mate of mine got arrested for stealing helium balloons","police held him for a while, then let him go" +"Why couldn't Robert Plant pay for a gumball","No Quarter" +"What did the Ocean say to the Moon","You don't phase me" +"I had a dream that. I was a muffler","I woke up exhausted" +"Which weighs more, a pound of water or a pound of kerosene","The water, because the other one is the lighter fluid" +"I went to a tattoo parlour and told the guy I wanted a tattoo of a pen. He said, Permanent","I said, No, fountain" +"What do you call a child trying to learn how to be an adult","Adult lessons (adolescence)" +"Why do Pirates have a reputation for aaarrr -ing. (x-post /r/history . kind of) Because they got tired of queuing and moved on ([actual referenced post](https://www. reddit","com/r/history/comments/7139fb/why_do_pirates_have_a_reputation_for_aaarrring/))" +"I moved benches at church when I was a kid","They told me I was a great pew pull" +"What do you call a parallelogram with a sense of humor","A paralologram" +"I recently lost a fight with a nun","Old habits are hard to kick" +"If Elon Musk were born in soviet union, what's his company name would be","Teslav" +"Why did the blind guy fall into the well","Because he didn't see that well" +"Dad talking to my 4-year-old nephew. After building a snowman yesterday: Nephew: Look grandpa, the snowman is still there","My dad: Yeah but he's probably freezing" +"Why can't men on Viagra dance","Because they're stiff" +"I just got a job at the zoo I circumcise elephants","The pay isn't great but I get huge tips" +"Calling a beverage chilled makes","It feel a lot more cool." +"Just got dadjoked at the grocery store as a cashier I'm a cashier in a grocery store and one of customer bought 8 german sausage and when I was scanning them he looked at me and said to me: ''These are the wurst sausage I've ever tasted","'' I laughed so much, it was awkward" +"I broke my arm in 3 places","Well don't go to those places" +"What do the Romans use to cut their pizza","lil Ceasers" +"How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to tell a joke","How mant Alzheimer's patients does it take to tell a joke" +"How did antman defeat thanos","He rectum" +"My brothers been having hearing problems. My mum asked him if he had been to the doctor about it","To which my dad replies: He did, he waited in the doctors office for 3 hours but they never called his name" +"This stew is so good we should call it","StewArt" +"What is orange and sounds like a parrot","A carrot" +"I got dadjoked by my therapist today. This past weekend I got a new car, a Saab. My therapist and I were chatting about it, and then he hit me with this one: Me: Nobody could give me a ride to the dealership, so I had to get my Saab a full week after I had originally planned to","Him: Oh no, not another one of your Saab stories" +"On the day my friends were hosting my birthday celebration, I had diarrhea","I was a party pooper" +"How do you start a party in space","You planet" +"I'm scared to become a Granddad. It means I can't tell dad jokes anymore. On the other hand, I can tell GRAND dad jokes","Even better" +"“I feel like such a failure, doc. All my 5 boys want to be valets when they grow up. ” Doctor: WOW","That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen" +"Why was the taxi driver fired","He always goes the extra mile" +"Thought of the day A married man should forget his mistakes","There's no use in two people remembering the same thing" +"My friend trained his parrot to say only dirty words and phrases","He has a fowl little mind" +"I was really confused when Avengers: Endgame went on for longer than a minute","Twenty second film in the MCU my ass" +"What did the buffalo say to his son when he left","Bison" +"My mom is a dad. So we are out shopping for college dorm stuff, and","I tell her I'm really having a hard time deciding which pillow to choose Perhaps you should sleep on it" +"Remember when plastic surgery was considered taboo","Now there's Botox and no one lifts an eyebrow" +"I am finally rubbing off on her. I am engaged to a fine lady who is slowly learning the wonder that are dad jokes","I work at a company that makes fans and today I just got a text from her telling me to Have a FAN-tastic day" +"On the bottom of a tuna tin it said: Best Before Date","I thought, No, it isn't" +"What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings","Inbred" +"Proud of my fellow dadjokers As my wife and I approached the samples stand at BJ's, I noticed they were sampling cashews. So naturally I faked a sneeze and said CASSSSSSSSHHHHEEEWWWW. She replied, you know, three people have done jokes like that today, and they've all been guys. So as we were walking away, I said, alright, cashew later","She told me that was a new one :)" +"When it comes to dads, every word means something. I hate auto correct sometimes http://imgur","com/uU1lPk0" +"Never fight a dinosaur","You'll get jurasskicked." +"What is Thanos' favorite vegetable","Sugar Snap Peas" +"Why did the mathematician use the same calculator his whole career","Because he could always count on it" +"Who was the first web designer","A spider" +"What does Santa Clause and Bill Cosby have in common","They both come for you at night while you sleep" +"Michael Jackson was made of Helium atoms","He-He" +"My neighbour's grass keeps cutting itself","I am think it's emow" +"Dad joked my roommate. My roommate texts me:. I can't get our ducking apt door open (obvious typo). My response:","You just have to push real hard to quack it open" +"What did the bird say when it’s cage fell apart","Cheap" +"The bro with the tribal tattoos that is blasting Nickleback and is vaping all the time, has an annoying voice","But it's mostly his axe-scent" +"What do you call a monkey who likes to touch people","Chimp-handsy" +"He laughed pretty hard at this. My friend and I saw a picture of a man wearing those blue hospital-type latex gloves while typing on a laptop. Me: Want to know why he's wearing gloves. Friend: Sure","Me: He doesn't want to catch a virus" +"Real conversation with my 7yo today. I was mimicking his complaining voice and he says with a grumpy face, Stop copying me","I replied, I'm not coffee-ing you, I'm tea-sing you" +"Why did the skeleton skip the Halloween party","He had nobody to go with" +"What do you call it when an officer can't sleep","Attempting arrest" +"So let me tell you a little about my situation. It's currently about -12°F outside and my HVAC just broke","So, I decided to build a fire, but it turns out I can't use my fireplace because it needs a new flue, and I'm sorry if this is the wrong subreddit for this but I just need t(w)o vent(s) right now" +"Found a joke. I think is really underrated. Rated","A joke" +"Why did the Knife dress up in a suit","Because it wanted to look sharp" +"My son got my wife today. My sister-in-law is pregnant with her second child. *** Wife: We find out what your aunt Ashley is having tomorrow. My Son: A baby. I was speechless and infinitely proud of my son","He takes after me more than I ever expected" +"officer cooper from southland guy yells out at a patrol call tells the officer his car broke down and needs a ride. officer cooper: we're not a taxi service sir. guy: well call me a cab then. officer cooper: you're a cab","*drives off*" +"What do you call a chef who has conquered every egg recipe known to man","a Conquichetador" +"How do scientists get better breath","Experimints" +"What do you call a non-skiing Inuit","An emo" +"I asked my wife, “I am stuck with this crossword clue. Would you help. ” Her: Sure. What is it. Me: The clue is “Overworked Postman”. Her: But how many letters","Me: Too many" +"How many ears does Spock have","Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier" +"Did you hear about the ear of corn that joined the army","He was a kernel" +"What's the capital of Alaska. Dad: What's the capital of Alaska. Me: Juneau. Dad: No, I don't. That's why I'm asking you","-__-" +"You can’t write. Pi backwards","It’d be irrational" +"Why do zombies make great bus drivers","They're always dead on time" +"What do you get when you spice up date night","Netflix and chilis" +"How do you call a duck that does drugs","Quackhead" +"What's the difference between a guitar and a fish","You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish" +"I'm a single mum and this happened 5 minutes ago. My nephew (6 yrs old): I'm full already. My son (7 yrs old): Hello full already. Needless to say, I raised this child well","😂" +"The First Dad Joke. Honey, I'm pregnant","Hello Pregnant, he whispers, tears of joy in his eyes, I'm Dad" +"What's the difference between Milk Chocolate and Dark Chocolate","Three letters" +"How do you organize a space party","You plan it" +"Hey Dad, what time is it. Well, judging by the position of the sun and the angle of the shadows, I'd say it's","daytime" +"About cows A coworker and I were talking about how turtles act when they're on their shells and how some people do it them on purpose. Coworker says, it's sort of like cow tipping. Have you ever tipped a cow. And I shook my head and said, I've never even been served by a cow. He then punched me in the face and walked far, far away from me","Ok I might have embellished that very last part" +"A friend of mine texted me that his new hobby is taking pictures of fish in clothes","He likes to call it shooting fish in apparel" +"What’s the name for a horse that is the smartest one in the barn","A stable genius" +"My brother and I are on a tight deadline for delivering Dracula action figures to our client by tomorrow","I’m trying to make every second Count" +"I had a dream last night that an orange kept trying to speak to me but. I couldn’t understand it. Too bad","I don’t speak mandarin" +"Saw a baby wearing a fedora. Told my fiancé I thought it was. fedorable","The groan was so bad, she hit me" +"You guys got any more jokes like henway and updog. Told like this: Dad: Oh my god, there's a henway on your back. Son: What's a henway. D: About 5 pounds ---- D: Man, it smells like updog in here. S: What's updog. D: Not much, what's up with you. ---- My 6 year old brother has quit falling for these and I need some new ones in my arsenal","Help please" +"Dad: Hey, remember tomorrow is Father’s Day","Me: Yeah, but it’s son day as well" +"My wife is having can'ts, don'ts, and won'ts","In other words, she's having contractions!" +"A bear walks into a bar and he says: I'll have a Beer","The bartender says: why the big pause" +"Why can't you have a nose that is twelve inches long","Because then it would be a foot" +"Every Thanksgiving my dad says, There are only two kinds of pie that I like","Hot and cold" +"What do a small house and an uncomfortable pair of pants have in common","No ballroom" +"A friend asked me to stop singing I'm A Believer because it's annoying. I thought she was joking","And then I saw her face" +"a sad time for dad-joking at the office. I have this ongoing thing at the office where whenever this one middle-aged guy (call him Andy) gets a haircut, I say, ** Hey Andy, you got a haircut ** and Andy, without fail dadjokes me with ** I got them ALL cut ** and then we yuk it up in the hallway . this has gone on for years and years, until recently, when Andy decided that due to male-pattern baldness, he would completely shave his head. Now it is not as funny to tell Andy he got his hair cut, because literally he got them ALL cut and it just looks like I am making fun of him","(:(" +"How do you break into a house","Intruder window" +"TIL colons can change the meaning of a sentence drastically: Jane ate her friend's lunch","would become: Jane ate her friend's colon" +"My mom asked my dad how he makes his tacos","He said one shell at a time, just like the rest of us" +"Why do fish live in salt water","Because pepper water makes them sneeze" +"What does a Chinese chef sing when they're happy","I'm Woking On Sunshine" +"I only learned 25 letters of the alphabet","I don’t know why" +"My Dad just woke me this morning to ask if I heard about William Shatner Dad: Did you hear that William Shatner is going to space. Me: Yeah, Jeff Bezos is sending him up Dad: He's 90-Years old","The G-Forces alone pose a huge health risk Me: I guess it's getting easier and easier to put people into space Dad: If they're not careful, they'll turn him into William Shattered" +"Park it over it here My mom likes pulling straight into park spots. My dad prefers to back in. I don't care","I'm Neutral" +"What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast","A synonym roll" +"Dad joked a cashier yesterday I bought a box of zip lock bags and when she asked me if I needed a bag I told her no thanks, I have a hundred right here","She didn't get it" +"Wife asked if. I wanted to be cremated when. I die","I'm beginning to warm up to the idea." +"I'm surrounded by dad jokes So I'm visiting home in Chicago, and my father took my daughter and I to the zoo. We're at the lion habitat and my dad says to my daughter: Hey, you know what that lion is doing. He's just *lion* around. And not 2 seconds later I hear another dad tell his kids: Hey. The lion just jumped. Haha no, I'm *lion*. Immediately after another dad to his kids: You know you can't trust lions, because they're always *lion* to ya","Please send help" +"What do you say to a slow tomato","Ketch Up" +"Just tried to dad joke my boss. Went over his head. He's complaining about all this costly work his minivan needs including some $1,700 exhaust work. Me: Yeah, I hear you, maintaining vehicles can be exhausting","Couldn't wipe the shit eating grin off my face as he kept talking" +"I asked my floor refinisher if he does counter tops. Our hardwood flooring guy is Micah. It's weird, but he talks in the 3rd person all the time. Like, Micah doesn't love all that sanding or Painting is not what Micah does. Nice guy though","I asked him if he'd refinish our counter tops and he said, That's not formica" +"Wanna hear a potassium joke?","K" +"Why didn't the penguin and the polar bear get along","Because they were polar opposites" +"What did. Arnold. Schwarzenegger say when asked if he wanted to upgrade to. Windows 10","I still love vista, baby" +"Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today. Now","I have turds" +"What do you call a ship that's 50% off","A sale boat" +"What do you call a product that wards off smelly otters","Deotterant" +"I made a speech at my sister's wedding. it was very heartfelt, and had spurts of humour everyone could laugh along with. Then I finished it with a toast to bread. So many groans","That's how I know they loved it" +"When I'm sad, I make myself a pork roast","That way I have a shoulder to cry on" +"Dad: How do you sell a deaf man a chicken. Me: i don't know dad, how do you","Dad (screaming): DO YOU WANT TO BUY A CHICKEN" +"Used a nerdy dad joke to flirt with the popular girl in high school. **Me (Mr. Nerdy Smooth)**: You know you're less than 90 degrees. **Popular Girl**: Because I'm acute. It was at that moment I knew I had to marry her. We'll be married 11 years next month",":)" +"While waiting to checkout at Party City, I see a dad buying at least two dozen inflated birthday balloons. Older gent in front of me pipes up. You're certainly light on your feet","He looked so pleased with himself" +"I love hollandaise sauce, and put it on everything. but the lemon juice in it wreaks havoc on my dentures. My dentist said he has just the thing: Dentures made of chrome","Because there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise" +"What are a mathematician's favourite kind of boobs","Quantitties" +"Got my in-laws with this one. We were sitting at the dinner table tonight celebrating my father-in-law's (FIL) 66th birthday. My mother-in-law (MIL) made his favorite dinner: meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and creamed corn, but since I hate creamed corn they also made peas. It happened that everyone at the table except for my MIL took peas, and she decided to comment. MIL: Wow, I see just about everyone took peas and not creamed corn. FIL: I took a little bit of both. Me: Thank you for giving peas a chance. My wife sighed and I think it went over MIL's head, but FIL and I exchanged knowing dad glances","Today, I am a dad" +"All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses","They currently have nothing to go on" +"So I'm on a ride along with my dad when hits me with this My dad is a cop and im riding with him today. We drive past a cemetary and I ask Do you spend alot of time in there","Not really, but some people are just dying to get in there" +"Where did the lady with one leg find a job","IHop" +"Got dadjoked by my grandpa This Father's Day, I took my dad out to a movie, just the two of us. We saw Godzilla (which was quite good. Later that night, we all had dinner with my grandparents and aunt's family. I was telling my grandpa about the movie. I said something like It was good. But it was intense. Well that doesn't make sense, he said. Why wouldn't they have it in the movie theather","I looked at him confusedly, and then he grinned, and said Well, it would make more sense to have it in the theater, rather than in tents" +"Got my wife at the mall And she was a real bargain. But seriously folks. My wife and I were walking at a mall, around closing time for most stores. She noticed and commented that there was a Kay Jewellers, but being that they were closed, those security wall things were down","I said it was more like a *Cage* Jewellers" +"Cousin misheard me when I said erectile dysfunction. Cousin: What's reptile dysfunction","Me: It's when your snake doesn't work properly" +"It takes me 5 minutes to get from my house to the bar but 45 minutes to get from the bar to my house","The difference is staggering" +"Want to hear a joke about sodium","Na" +"Why aren't cows the best gamblers","They always bet high STEAKS" +"y=mx+b jokes are fine, but","At some point, we'll have to draw the line" +"My dad met a lady through an online dating website","He's been calling her his eBae" +"Hydrogen Chloride and Hydrochloric acid both have the same formula of HCl but are different","Isn't that ionic" +"No matter how kind you are","German children are kinder" +"Why was the Italian chef locked out of his restaurant","Because he had gnocchi" +"So, my mother was skyping my brother. and she turns the phone towards me. I had my hair up, so my forehead was sticking out. I cover my forehead with my hand. Ew, my forehead is the width of four fingers. My mom, without skipping a beat, says; Well, yeah. It's a FOURhead","She gave a very satisfied smile while I just glared at her" +"What happens when a cow leaps over a barbed wire fence","Utter destruction" +"What do you call a dyslexic neurosurgeon","Brian" +"They have a lot of culture in the Midwest","Agriculture" +"Dad joked my mom. She was teasing me, so I said You better stop, before I show you the back of my hand. She said Do it. So I held up the back of my hand and said See","She said Yeah, that's what I thought" +"My Dad last night in front of 300+ people. A termite walks into a bar and asks Where's the bar tender. . Here he is [last night](http://youtu","be/_EaQtARoK1g) telling this joke on stage to kick off a comedy show" +"How do you multiply a heard of cows","With a cowculator" +"I stayed up all night wondering where the sun was","And then it dawned on me!" +"My wife out-dadded me last night My wife and I were going through old pictures when we found a picture of her from before we met. I said Wow, so that's you pre me. She said No I was full term","I don't think I've ever loved her more" +"Why did the photographer not get any clients","Image problems" +"12 was a race horse. 11 was 1 2. 11 1 1 race","12 1 1 2" +"A group of musicians painfully struggled to play together","But then they got a bandaid..." +"I thought I saw a flying German sausage, but it turned out to be a seabird","I took a tern for the wurst" +"My wife asked me what starts with f and ends with k","I said No, it doesn't ." +"Just bought some new blackout curtains. The difference between them and my old ones is like night and day","(My wife just bought us some yesterday, I sent her this via text and she sent me an eye roll emoji)" +"People ask me how. I like being an elevator repairman","It has its ups and downs" +"There are just too many bits in this bed. Wife holds up a piece of a dog bone. Me that one is too big to be a 'bit. ' It needs a new category","How about eight bits equal a bite" +"A pun walks into a bakery and orders some bread The baker says 'we don't have any bread' The pun gets angry and says 'how can you call yourself a bakery if you have no bread. I'll have some cake then. ' The baker says 'we don't have any cake' The pun gets red in the face, livid with anger, shouts 'what have you got then","' The baker says 'All we have left is a hot-crossed pun'" +"What does a plumber, that is paid by the hour, do to get more money","they stall" +"Recognized I had a dad joke during lunch today Wife was making some Greek sandwiches for lunch today and the pita bread wasn't cooperating. Wife: This pita bread is terrible. Me: Yup, it's awfully pita-ful. Wife sighs. Me: What","That was awesome" +"I always wear a condom when. I crack pecans. In case","I bust a nut" +"This text from my dad Me: I got a 94 on my psych exam from tuesday Dad: thats great","You must be psyched" +"I keep getting. A’s in every class. I take","I’m definitely honor roll." +"I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them","It's cold fashion, look it up" +"If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work","The crust station" +"Boyfriend got me Me: If I get pregnant we aren't naming it Juan. Boyfriend: Fine, we can name it Two. Me: That's awful","Boyfriend: I guess two can be as bad as Juan" +"Why was the professional driver unhappy with his long-term career","In the end, he didn't have anything to chauffeur it" +"Got my girlfriend good last weekend My girlfriend was wearing a new vest the other night, and her sister thought it was kind of weird. She (gf) asked if I liked it, and I said it looks nice, but you could say I have a vested interest in the question","She rolled her eyes, and then laughed" +"Did you ever hear of the girl who got dumper at the amusement park","It was an emotional roller coaster" +"Why is today a soldier's least favorite day","Because it's March Forth" +"Dad always tells this at family gatherings My dad always tells people that he has one brother but twice as much sisters while he only has two siblings","His only sister is a nun" +"I've been waiting a long time to repost this","this" +"The wife's a redhead Her friend asked her for some advise on a subject that could be very disastrous if not handled right. She asked me what to do. I responded with handle it like a redhead. Gingerly","Even though we are several states away from each other, I heard her groan" +"Marriage has its pros and cons. On one hand you get to wear a ring","On the other hand, you don’t" +"A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant . and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back. 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you. ' They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest. After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible. 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet. ' 'No,' she replies","'You just happened to catch my eye" +"First time meeting my fiance's dad. He was showing her his new iPad, and commented that once an upgrade came out he was going to buy a new iPhone. My fiance said since she has a Macbook and an iPhone, they were a Mac-Family. I pointed to her dad and informed her that if they were a Mac-Family, he was the Mac-Daddy","He laughed and hugged me" +"My son asked if. I'm alright . I said No,","I am half left as well" +"How do you find will. Smith in the snow","Look for the fresh prints" +"I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused. Now. I’m in hot water with the. Japanese","Mafia." +"Literally just happened: Wife completing our 2020 census reading off list of ethnicities. “Wait. what is. Chamorro. ” Me: “Chamorro","It’s Chursday" +"What do you call a blind German","A Not See" +"Have any of you heard the gossip about butter","Actually, I won’t spread it" +"My wife is now a dad. My wife was organizing her spices, and came to me with something on her hands. I spilled my thyme, now I have way too much thyme on my hands. I should find something productive to do with it. After wiping it off, she said Sorry, I'm not cooking today. Just don't have enough thyme on my hands for it","I'm so proud of her, LMAO" +"When is the best time to go sailing","Windsday" +"The man who invented human cloning has died","The mourners will be beside themselves at the funeral" +"My girlfriends dad caught her while I was in the car. She was talking about someone who would projectile vomit when he got nervous","He replied: Just tell him to stop eating projectiles" +"I think my professor dadjoked my class before taking the final. While everyone in class was doing some last minute studying and freaking about about the final, my professor makes one last announcement before handing out the final: Don't worry everyone, all of the answers are on the test","They were" +"This furniture store keeps emailing me, all","I wanted was one night stand!" +"Why don’t Wookies like sushi","They think it’s a little Chewie" +"A weasel walks into a bar. Wow, says the bartender. In all my years of bartending I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you. Pop, goes the weasel","My dad and I love dumb jokes and he told me this one last week XD so far I've gotten cringes and dumb stares when telling it" +"What do you call a teacher who never farts in front of his students","A private tooter" +"What is the tallest building in the world. The library","It has the most stories" +"What's a toddlers favorite brand of sneakers","New Balance" +"How many apples grow on a tree","All of them" +"What’s another word for mothers and fathers","I’m not going to tell you; the answer is apparent" +"Why can pirates never finish the alphabet","They always get stuck at C" +"Two dadjokes in one evening, from 2 different dads Joke #1 (from my brother-in-laws father in law. actually, it's not a joke, but it deserves to be here. ) BIL'sFIL: What about an elbow truck. Everyone else: . BIL'sFIL: You know, instead of a toe-truck. --- Joke #2 from my Father in-law, (while discussing how my brother-in-law and brother-in-law's father in-law bonded over a movie",") FIL: Did they use a strong glue" +"I couldn’t finish my dinner so my server asked me if I want a box","I replied- No, but I’ll wrestle ya" +"If you don't know what a will is. I'll give you a hint","It's a dead giveaway" +"So here's my impression of Robert DeNiro, Jackie Chan, and President Bush walking into a restaurant. Table for 3","My grandpa says this joke weekly, and cracks up every time" +"My girlfriend mentioned her coworker went to Ghana today","I responded: What's he Ghana do" +"Why doesn't Ed have a girlfriend","Because Sheeran away" +"I don't always tell dad jokes, but","when I do, he laughs" +"My dad's go-to joke when anybody takes medicine","If symptoms persist, insult your doctor" +"I can see","said the Blind Man You're a liar said the Deaf Man" +"Actually a wife joke, but I haven't laughed so hard at a one liner in a while. Last night my wife and I were talking. We've been married 20 years. She was just laying on me and it can get hard to breathe like that","She noticed I was struggling to breathe and said, At least I still take your breath away" +"My dog was chewing on the dining room leg. So. I told him hey, just because it's. A table doesn't make it. E table","The filthy look he gave me made me think this qualifies as a dad joke" +"My dad asked if I knew a bit of French. Well not really, but a bit. well then. Do you know how to pronounce three cats drown in french. Uhhh, le chat something-something. nope. trois, quatre, cinq. . He bursts out laughing as I poker face the rest of the trip home","*sigh*" +"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows on too high","She looked surprised" +"There should be a yearly award for best new comic book","Call it the Stan Lee Cup" +"Nailed my class with this one. So we're talking about MS Access, and prof gets on the subject of how capital letters are treated differently than lower case letters me: So it's capitalism","badum tiss" +"I had a jewish coffee today. You'd like it,","Israeli nice" +"I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island","But it turned out to be an optical Aleutian" +"What’s brown and sticky","A stick" +"Did you hear about the toilet paper that won back-to-back","It was on a roll" +"Make all the dam jokes you want I'm a chaperone for my wife's (5th grade teacher) trip to a local dam. W: I can't get a hold of the people at the dam to remind them we're coming today","Me: They're probably backed up" +"I do most of my reddit browsing while sitting on a toilet and","literally shitposting" +"5yo laying on sofa: Liar. You're lying. Dad: No, you're lying, I'm standing","*Overheard my dad and brother*" +"A conversation about women I was hanging out with my dad at a 4th of July barbeque. One of the guys there said, women should be seen and not heard. The guy next to him smirked and said, women should be felt and not seen","My dad said, women should be polyester, not felt" +"In the abandoned building down the street from Tailor Swift I'm going to open a sketchy-looking alteration service","called Seams Legit" +"My mom became my dad Me and my mom were talking about the our kitchen clock, that fell from the wall: Me: Maybe he just attempted suicide","Mom: Yeah, it was his time" +"I was visiting D. C (from Baltimore) & took a yoga class. After class, the instructor said Please come back, we'd love to have you again. I responded","namaste in Baltimore, thanks" +"I plant my herbs in alphabetical order. You might ask how i find the time","It's easy it's right there next to the sage" +"Why can't they serve beer at Wrigley Field this year","Because they lost the opener" +"What did one bubble say to the other bubble","Pop" +"How many seconds are in a year. 12","January second, February second, March second" +"I use to visit my grandfather at a mental hospital. One day I'm sitting talking to Gramps when another patient suddenly starts running around the room with his fists out in front of him as if riding a motorcycle, screaming Braaaaaaaaaap, Braaaaap, Braaaaaaap. My Grandpa yells at him: Goddamit Bill, Stop that. Me: I know right. The guy makes one hell of a racket","Grandpa: I don't even mind the noise so much, its the damn smoke that gets to me" +"What happened to the frogs car when it broke down","It got toad away" +"how well does a sick Australian feel","a bit down under the weather" +"Me and my step dad driving past a graveyard. Step. Dad-. Did you know that is the dead center of. New. Jersey. Me -","REALLY!?........oh" +"I was going to tell you a joke about boomerangs, but I forgot how it goes","Oh wait, it came back" +"Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach","Because it was more than 90°" +"What do you call a bird who's out of breath","A Puffin" +"Actual Dad joke from my Dad: How does Kellyanne Conway sleep at night","She lies" +"My dad would make a great genie. Me: I wish I could teleport","Dad: What would you tell it" +"What’s the difference between taxes and. Texas","At no point have my taxes ever been frozen." +"What do you do when you see a spaceman","You park, man" +"You know why no one ever talks about pencils","Because the point has already been made" +"Why do cows wear bells","Because their horns don’t work" +"I used to be a dentist, but I quit and became a farmer","I grow sorghum" +"Our 4 y/o son made me proud today My wife, our boy and I were taking a walk today, with me and him up front and mom trailing behind. She started gaining on us, so I said, Hurry, mom's right on our tails. Without skipping a beat he looks at me and says, Ow ow she's on our tails","His mom and I had quite a good chuckle" +"Dre Knock Knock Knock Knock Who's There. Dr. Dre Dr. Dre who","You forgot about Dre" +"Wanted to share my favorite dadjoke My dad and I used to hangout alot when I was a teenager. Every time we used to go some place it always started out the same. Customer service rep: hi, can I help you","My dad: nope, he was born that way Rip dad" +"Mountains are not funny","They are hill areas." +"What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland","Well, the flag is a big plus" +"There are two kinds of people in this world:","Those who extrapolate information from incomplete sentences" +"I should really get off reddit. I've been on this bloody site ALL YEAR","Happy new year from Australia" +"My friend dad joked me about biking Me: Maybe she should have been wearing a helmet Him: I think helmets are satanic and I don't wear them. I wear heavenmets","Me:" +"Will glass coffins become more popular","Remains to be seen" +"Did you hear about the bed bugs who fell in love","They're getting married in the spring" +"Sodiums and. Batman walk into a bar. Na. Na. Na. Na. Na. Na. Na. Na. Na. Na. Na. Na. Na. Na. Na. Na","Batman!" +"I used to think of myself as a pretty good swimmer. Then","I went into the ocean and got schooled by a bunch of fish." +"With great reflexes","comes great response-ability" +"Science dad joke. I was in chemistry class, when my teacher asked, What did Laviosier contribute to scientific knowledge. I proceeded to respond with It's Leviosah, not Laviosier. Any appreciation for Harry Potter fans","No" +"My Dad the GOON. My dad told me a story the other day about when he was a little older than I am (~25). A little about my dad, he pretty much swore to drive beater cars till the day he dies. Anyways. My dad gets the bright idea to paint his car, but he doesn't have the funds for a professional job. So he does what any logical thinking adult would do, head to Menards and buy white house paint. Needless to say he got a nice paint roller because a brush would have been to much work, and rolled the paint all over the car. He drove around with a freshly painted white car. But that's not the funny part. A few weeks later he decides to wash his car, so he heads to the car wash. After paying however much money a car wash was, he sat in the waiting room while it got pulled through and the automatic wash went to town. All of the sudden a man runs into the waiting room. Whose white Cadillac is that. My dad says it's his. The man says the paints comming off and damaging the brush and the wash and that he was calling the police. The police can to talk to my dad about the incident. My dad pointed at the sign on the wall that stated, We are not responsible for any damages to items that go through the wash. (Or something of the sort) He then tells them, Well if their not responsible, I shouldn't be either. Long Story Short","Cop sided with my dad and he went on his way" +"I bought shoes from a drug dealer once I don't know what the fuck he laced them with, but I was tripping hard all day","( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)" +"What do you call a hen who can count her own eggs","A mathamachicken" +"What do you call a farmer using a computer","A farmer in the Dell" +"Why do scuba divers roll backwards out of boats","Because if they rolled forward they would just go in to the boat" +"Hey dad, is it going to snow on Christmas. I don't know son","It's still up in the air" +"I just bought a new boat","I named it After You" +"I got my picture of the totaled eclipse. http://i. imgur. com/KTvT4VM","jpg" +"Why don’t you see many paraplegic comedians","The one thing they can’t do is stand-up" +"Good one from my dad just now Little sister: I can't stand reading","Dad: You should sit then" +"I started a band called 999 megabytes","We haven't gotten a gig yet." +"From my dad at the dinner table. Mom: I need to stop; I am overeating","Dad: Then let's sit under the table, we'll be undereating" +"Dadjokes go under-appreciated on Facebook A friend of mine is giving away two tickets to the Regions Tradition in Birmingham, and posted a status on Facebook seeing if there were any takers. His phrasing: Who do I know that is a big golf fan. Well, I couldn't let this one go. I don't like big golf, but I'm a huge fan of mini golf","At least one person in the status thought I was funny" +"How many dads does it take to replace a 100 watt lightbulb","Just one if he's bright enough" +"After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor","Tenor twelve feet away from her and all musical instruments at all times" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","**When it becomes apparent" +"At the gym this morning It's a college rec center with a 20 something woman at the counter. Four of us waiting for the official 5:30 am opening. When the clock ticks 5:30, the woman at the counter to scan us in says I can take you guys Without hesitation I replied Its four against one. Those are tough odds I hung my head as I realized that's a joke I heard my dad say when I was a kid","It made him proud when I told him this story" +"Be careful when dating someone who has the flag of the. USSR in their bedroom","It's a big red flag" +"It's okay if your phone autocorrects 'fuck' to 'duck","You're still using fowl language" +"What to you call a legume with facial hair","A mustachio" +"Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes","You need to let that mango" +"Guys my dad really said it. I did New Year's Eve away from home, and my parents left on 1 and 2 (and I didn't see them on 1 because I came back after they left). They have just returned home and my father said to me: I haven't seen you since last year . And I was like Why","Why" +"Why Wasn't the Computer Hungry","He just had a byte" +"Girlfriend burned me with a dadjoke Last night my girlfriend came in from outside, where it was quite chilly. After kissing her I remarked that her lips were cool, to which she replied I've always been cooler than you","She got a groan and a high five" +"Serial Killer There once was a serial killer who only killed girls named Jenna. He was arrested and charged with Jenna-cide. (Wrote that this morning","I'm not proud of it at all" +"The guy from U2 is helping me with a legal case. He's not charging for his services","It's pro bono" +"I saw two Cadillacs on my way to work today","Thank God the situation didn't Escalade any further" +"Do you know what they said when Steve Jobs died","Job’s done" +"My wife thought it would be cute if we had pet names for each other","Guess Fido was a bad choice" +"My Math teacher said I‘m an absolute Zero","And that I would be 100 times better if I listened" +"My wife tried to tell our cat that we would all be flying to a new home, but the cat seemed unimpressed","I explained that the cat doesn’t understand plane English" +"They're releasing a sequel to the popular documentary 'March of the Penguins'","It's going to be called 'April of the Penguins'" +"I could never live with a vegetarian","Mostly because my wife would kill me if I moved in with someone else" +"hunting dad Dad:I can't wait for hunting season. Mom: You never shoot anything, I don't get you. Dad:Its just nice being outside and sometimes I look through the scope and almost pull the trigger. Mom:Of course you do honey you're such a cute wuss sometimes. Dad:Good thing for you I am Mom:Why'd you say that honey","Dad: Sometimes you're very deer to me sweetheart" +"I was going to make a dubstep joke. But. I guess","I’ll drop it." +"What would be the worst puchase of 2020","2020 planner" +"My wife was worried about the size of her breasts. She wanted to spend $1000 for bigger boobs. I said, save the money and and just rub a bit of toilet paper between them each day, they'll be bigger in no time. She says does that really work","I said well it seems to be working on your arse" +"Got into a car accident today,I was driving along and ended up rear ending someone. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf He looked up at me and said, 'I am not Happy","' So I said, 'Well, which one are you then" +"My Dad's iguana never wants to get up in the morning","I guess you could say, he has a reptile dysfunction" +"How do crazy people cross the forest","They take the psycho-path" +"Where does the general keep his armies","In his sleevies" +"I love pressing F5","it's so refreshing" +"I'm so proud of the gf Gf texting her dad about her tax return: Gf: I'm getting $1900","Dad: hopfully Gf: well I never only hop partially She's a keeper" +"Whilst driving Sister: Hey, look at that car, it's painted camo","Me: Sorry, I didn't see it" +"A rich patient told his doctor that money was no problem: Please give me some good news. Okay then, said the physician","But I'll have to tell that to your widow" +"My brother got me good Bro: I don't know why they call it the stare-io, I always just listen to it","Me: *audible groan*" +"I went to the zoo the other day, but there was only one animal. It was a. Shih","Tzu" +"I recited pi to 50 places","Now none of those places will invite me back." +"What do you call a city powered by electricity","An Electri-city" +"What do you say to your sister when shes crying","Are you having a crisis" +"Angel: Will be there anyone surviving the Flood","God: I Noah guy" +"My dad during the winter olympics Me: uggh he was so close to gold Dad: you know what they say about the winter Olympics Me: what","Dad: you either win or you luge Me: facepalm" +"My wife's handbag is sorely in need of replacement. I offered to get her a new soft leather one, but she declined","I guess she's not easily purse-sueded" +"I was told. I can't make. Pokémon jokes. But. I don't see","Wynaut" +"Dad joked my little brother at the gym. We were near the end of our workout and I was with him while he was doing abs. He gave me his water bottle to hold while he went to work. I, being bored, decided to stack our bottles on top of each other. When he sits up, he asked me why I did that. I responded with, I've always wanted to see a waterfall. and knocked over the mini-water bottle tower","It took him a second, but he smiled, shook his head, and promptly ignored me for the rest of the workout and on the way home" +"Where does the dog go when he loses his tail","The retail store" +"At the dentist this morning. I filled out the paperwork for an exam, receptionist says I'll call you shortly. Oh, no, I go by Michael It didn't seem to uplift her bad mood but I'm still chuckling about it","I'm not really a dad by the way" +"What did the logger say to the talking tree. Dialogue","I know it's not original but I came up with it while chatting with my kid" +"If you were to make a blanket out of tinfoil,","Would it be called sheet metal?" +"It's hard to make dad jokes sometimes","Because you have to make the punchline apparent" +"I served sushi to a table and asking for more of that green stuff just said Wasabi Not much B wassup with you","I use this joke a lot and it rarely lands so I just hoped I'd get some appreciation here" +"My father closed his dress shop in India to become a banker","Figured it's better to be safe than sari" +"Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague","Now we just have to call him Dav" +"Are those living in darkness happy","Yes, in fact they are delighted" +"Why was the chemist working on his glutes","He wanted to get his acetoned" +"What kind of tea did the American Colonists want","Liberty" +"Why did the merchant buy a ship","Because it was on sail" +"A butcher accidentally chopped off his left hand","Guess he’s all right now" +"What kind of beer does Ed Sheeran drink","**Ginger Ale**" +"I went to a Bowling Alley last night, it was empty","It must have been so quiet in there, that you could hear a pin drop" +"What did the fisherman from Boston say to the magician","Pick a cod, any cod" +"Why did the can crusher quit his job","Because it was sodapressing" +"I was eating breakfast when. I was eating Corn Pops for breakfast. My dad pointed out that I had just poured my second bowl, and said You are eating *corn-secutive* bowls of cereal","He then texted my mom about it and now won't let it go" +"How do you get your baby to sleep for an hour on a plane","Take a 12 hour plane trip" +"What version of Windows 7 does Spock use. Enterprise","^I'll ^see ^myself ^out" +"Why did the blind guy fall down the well","because he could not see that well" +"What do you call an Irish electrician hanging from your ceiling. Sean D","Lear" +"Salamanders are terrible friends","First they ask a little, then they axolotl" +"Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the side of their boats. So when they come back to port they can","Scandinavian" +"Why don't kleptomaniacs appreciate any of the jokes in this sub. They take everything","literally" +"Sorry, that last joke wasn't as funny when. I told it. It was funnier when","I reddit" +"The absinthe bar My wife and my son are talking about absinthe. Then I walk into the room. Me: What are you two talking about. Wife: Your son heard about an absinthe bar in Nashville. Son: Dad, have you ever tried absinthe. Me: No. All I know about it is that it makes the heart grow fonder. They set 'em up","I knock 'em down" +"How big was that seagull","Almost as big as a D gull, but not big enough to be an eagle" +"Why does Santa come down the chimney","Because it soots him" +"My dad asked me (back in 2005), 'What was the prime ministers name in 1970. ' I replied; 'Harold MacMillan. ' (I was wrong. ) and dad said, 'Nope, it was Tony Blair'. 'But Tony Blair wasn't prime minister in 1970. ' 'No but his name was still Tony Blair","'" +"My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex","They’re his watch dogs" +"My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha­­. That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” I said","“It’s the only way I can see the numbers" +"My friend said he saw an alligator over 20 foot long","What a croc" +"I asked my son to stop making cheese puns. They can","Brie pretty annoying" +"My dad has a great nickname for my friend. Justin","It's just n" +"Where do animals go when they lose their tails","The retail store" +"You should sing tenor","Tenor 15 miles away from here" +"What did the dad say to the waitress when his kids received garden salads instead of caesar salads","You really lettuce down" +"I'm too skinny to be a personal trainer. So","I gave my too weak notice" +"A piece of rope walks in to a bar Rope: One beer, please. Bartender: We don’t serve rope here. Rope:*walks outside and thinks* Rope:*gets an idea, gets excited & messes up its hair* Rope:*walks back in to the bar* Rope: One beer, please. Bartender: Aren’t you that rope I just refused to serve. Rope: Nope, I’m a frayed knot","Edit: Formatting" +"How does an Indian bid farewell to their mother","Mumbai" +"What happened to the purse when it was found at a crime scene","It became an accessory to the crime" +"What do you call a vegetarian bodybuilder","A beet cake!" +"Before sex, you help each other get naked, after sex you only dress yourself","Moral of the story is, no one helps you after you get fucked" +"My wife told me it was National Short Person's Day","I guess I overlooked it" +"“Did you hear that James was just sent to the hospital. ” “I can’t imagine what state he must be in","” “He’s in Nevada" +"In the future, when we've moved on to other technologies and protocols, USB will no longer be used","Then all we will have left is the USB memory" +"What did the cop say to his belly","You're under a vest" +"Dad drops one in the car In the car with my dad and brother: Brother: Dad you know that Psy guy that did gangnam style. Dad: ok Bro: he did a song with snoop dogg. Dad: **was it called doggy style. ** . wat . OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH","*sigh* Then with a smug face the old man individually high-fived everyone in the car" +"I walked into a toy store for some Christmas shopping and asked where the Schwarzenegger dolls were located","The associate said, Aisle B, back" +"I had to sell my hoover","It was just collecting dust." +"Scheduling a doctors appointment. Grumpy Receptionist: which wrist is this for. Me: my right wrist, not the wrong wrist. We both hung up the phone giggling","I thought it was a victory considering how grumpy she was" +"My family is going on a cruise","The first thing my dad said when we stepped on deck was it smells like ship in here" +"What was the astrologist's favorite candy","Reeses Pisces" +"Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers","They say he made a mint" +"Wizard mistake What’s it called when a wizard makes a mistake","A miss spelling" +"I'm so bored, i was about to run around the house naked. But then i drank a bottle of windex","It stopped me from streaking" +"Do you know why Cyclops is such a great X-Man","He has supervision" +"I put 2 Silk Worms in a race","They ended up in a tie" +"What do you use to cover Eminem's gift","A rapping paper" +"I tried to write some new jokes about cheese","I got frustrated, and tore the page up into confeta" +"My wife is kicking me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a News Anchor","More on that after the break" +"We were in the pasta aisle, they were in home goods. Shopping- Me: Hey, is gnocchi vegan. Dad: Of course it is. It's got gno-cheese. Then a World Market employee four aisles away completely bowled over laughing, literally hooting and hollering. My dad has been strutting around all proud of his joke all day","I don't think I can ever go back there" +"Hey kids, grandma is on speed dial now","Let's call her instagram" +"What do you get if you shoot an eagle on a par 5","About a 300$ fine and your gun and truck confiscated." +"Something I pulled on the missus today I took a piece of paper, wrote my puns on it. I then tore it in half","My puns are tearable" +"I was exiting the toilet at work and dad joked my colleague. Possibly NSFW Colleague: did you just take a shit","Me: no, i just left one there" +"Which engineers are the most decent fellows","Civil Engineers" +"As a scarecrow, people say I'm outstanding im my field","But hay, it's in my jeans" +"To be frank","I'd have to change my name" +"You ever just think, “Phuket”","And travel to South East Asia" +"What did King Arthur call his pet pig","Sir Loin" +"Why shouldn't you trust an atom","Because they literally make up everything" +"My girlfriend saw my full name on a check I wrote to her. Her: I didn't know you were a junior","Me: I'm not, i still have to get my associate's" +"I always like bragging about the very small hatchet I own. I've done some research on it and as it turns out, it's from the 1850's and was used in some rich guys home to chop up citrus fruits for desserts and cakes etc","My wife thinks it's boring, she says it's just an antique lime axe" +"I often wonder how our grandparents fought off boredom before the age of the TV and internet. I asked my 17 uncles and aunts","They wonder about that too" +"An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan which had the bearing of a military helicopter airily surveying the aftermath of a natural disaster. Surrounded by his son, his twin daughters and a haggard-looking nurse who looked about ready to end it all if only she could find the bloody switch, he was finally breathing his final breaths. His son, who loved him dearly and wasn't at all sure if he had been cut out of the will or not, burst into tears at the plight of a man who would look more at home in a red woolly outfit than he ever could in drab, white linen. I do not wish to die today, Anthony , he intoned fixing his gaze slightly above his son's left shoulder, there is something you must do to save me. Tell me what to do dad, I can't bear to look at you this way , cried Anthony. There is a land, not far from here, where no one ever dies. It is not for dying you see. That is where I must go. Where is this place father. Tell me, and I'll take you to it","Take me there now , he said faintly as if in great pain, Take me to The Living Room" +"My Dad's favorite dadjoke to use. Whenever someone mentions how hot a room is","I can leave" +"Why is your firearm so excited for October","Because it's a semi autumn addict" +"Where do pigs love to go on vacation","Mi-Hami" +"Do you want to read this book of unoriginal jokes","Nah, I already reddit" +"Did you hear the one about the mallard that got sued for medical malpractice","It turns out he’s a quack" +"Found this gem on my newsfeed http://imgur","com/VGs0VFS" +"Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself","Because it was two tired" +"Why are clocks so good at maths","Because every second counts" +"How do you find zebra","Look under zeshirt" +"I lost my job at the zoo recently There was a sign that said do not feed the animals","So I didn't" +"Is it safe to say the people employed near Big Ben in London are","working around the clock" +"Scientists plan to enlarge everyone's footsize by 3 inches","No small feat" +"My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.","with a really angry bear somewhere close by" +"What is a cheap mathematician's favorite theorem to use on a dinner date","The binomial (buy-no-meal) theorem" +"My neighbour with big boobs has been gardening topless all day","I just wish his wife would do the same" +"Sleep Me: How'd you sleep last night","Dad: With my eyes closed Me: *facepalm" +"What happens when a beatboxer drops the beat","He becomes a boxer" +"I tried to eat my steak with only one utensil","But the fork wasn’t cutting it." +"What's the most dishonest chemical","Lye" +"Why should you never take offense","Because you won't know where the edge of your garden is" +"My friend was trying to stick his headphones into a tangerine","But it was only compatible with Apple" +"I recently read a crime novel. It was alright. It had prose and cons [Credit](https://twitter","com/zoebread/status/718160009641738241)" +"Dadjoked my father-in-law FIL, MIL, wife and I are in a car looking for a parking space, FIL driving. We're in a packed parking lot and he says to everyone, look for a parking spot. I point to a row of cars and say there's a bunch right there. Wife says none are empty, though. I say Yeah, but they're parking spots","FIL gave me the stink eye and sighed" +"I used to work at a circumcision centre","The pay was meagre but the tips were great" +"I told my gluten intolerant wife I'd be making fried chicken for dinner","She replied, oh you batter not" +"Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft","Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too" +"What do you get if you cross a mammal with a reptile","Most probably sued by the Humane Society" +"It's the story of a father that invented a machine. He shows it to his son, all proud, and says : You see, son, when you put a donkey in this end of the machine, a sausage will automatically come out. The son, very confused, asks : But dad, is there a way to do the opposite, insert a sausage and a donkey comes out","The father proudly answers : Yes son, your mom" +"What is a turkey's favorite dessert","Peach gobbler" +"One of my favorites. When I woke up this morning I had some pretty bad bed head. When I went downstairs my dad made a comment: Dad: Hey, nice hair Me: Thanks I spent about 8 hours working on it","He thought it was hilarious while my mom just groaned" +"I saw a chimpanzee on tinder once. Not the first place","I’d look for prime mate material" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school","It's fine, he woke up" +"At a young age, I really fancied Marilyn Monroe","Then she got older" +"My sister in the US Navy broke her foot, and has to wear tennis shoes instead of boots, to properly heal. She said that they made her buy new black shoes, instead of her normal shoes. She said that it just seemed so petty to make her do that","I told her that it sounded like a decision that came from a Petty Officer" +"The more suicidal people","The less suicidal people" +"Do you know why the amount of traffic accidents is so high in Washington","Because the people there can't Seattle" +"Lets keep. Earth clean. Its not","Uranus" +"The joys of driving home with my dad I got off work and he picked me up. On the way home we pass by one of [these](http://i. imgur. com/SBKdnzA","jpg) and he says Hm, I don't see any protesters" +"Why aren't koalas real bears","The don't have the correct koalafications" +"Why do Programmers make good politicians","Their goto is to switch statements" +"I had been working for 24 hours straight","so I decided to call it a day" +"Why will button controlled remotes always be better than voice command","It goes without saying" +"What day should you chew gum","Chewsday" +"What is the statistical definition of sunlight","Day, duh" +"If police dogs are known as. K9. Then police cats are","Fe9" +"Went to dinner with my grandfather He ordered a pot pie that had been advertised that the restaurant had been serving since 1976","Every time someone asked him how it was ge would reply that it was great for having been in the fridge since the 70s" +"I was running away from the police and they took out their tasers","I was shocked" +"Why did the stadium get so hot after the game","Because all the fans left" +"A guy with a speach impediment asked my dad. Have you been in any wisky situacions","My dad awnsered with Not realy, I'm more of a scotch person" +"What did the rapper mathematician do when a record label offered him a deal","He cos θ it" +"What’s the least spoken language in the world","Sign language" +"One time I bought shoes from a drug dealer","I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day" +"What did one nut say to the other while playing tag","I’m gonna cashew" +"Trying to dad joke my 3 year old. Yesterday he kept telling me I'm thirsty . But with him only being 3 it sounded like he was saying I'm Thursday . So I would shake his hand and say back to him Hi, I'm Friday, nice to meet you","He didn't get it, the joke or the drink" +"What do you call a person who doesn't like pizza","A weirdough" +"What did the guitar teacher say to the frustrated beginner","Don't fret" +"I bought two left hand gloves","On one hand it feels great, on the other hand, not so much" +"A colleague of mine called me and asked me for a quick word","I said velocity and hung up" +"I told my deaf friend a joke last night","I bet he never heard that one before" +"My wife asked what kind of eggs I wanted for breakfast. I replied, “It doesn’t matter","I’m eggnostic" +"What did the Native American say to the man who had just shown him his very first magic trick","How" +"I've got a new resolution this year","Nothing but 1080p for me" +"Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous. I see a few new faces here this week and. I must say that","I'm disappointed." +"Get my roommate everytime with this one. When i say get , i mean annoy everytime. Her (in a hurry to leave): Have you seen my bag","Me: Yeah it's lovely" +"Just now texting with my wife W: I feel like a zombie, so tired M: But do you want to eat brains. W: No, but I definitely thought I could fall asleep on the toilet M: That would be shitty. A few minutes pause W: You think your funny. M: You're M: And no M: I think I'm dad, I've never met a funny","W: Omg I can't" +"What was the mental health hospital's primary charity program","It was fund a mental" +"You know, I've always thought of myself as a good person But this picture says otherwise [https://i. imgur. com/Gbwfdzu. jpg](https://i. imgur. com/Gbwfdzu","jpg)" +"If i were to get a personalised number plate. I would put 'a lot' on it","I've got a lot on my plate" +"Philosophical Hunger Yesterday, I purchased 2 sandwiches because I was very hungry - a chicken salad sandwich and an egg salad sandwich","My dilemma was I had no idea which one I should eat first" +"A termite walks into a pub","And asks 'Is the bar tender here?'" +"Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful","I just need to work out if that’s my wife or my girlfriend." +"What did they say about the invention of the shovel","This is groundbreaking" +"I accidentally swallowed some string last night","I shit you knot" +"Never try to annoy anyone with Bird puns","Because toucan play at that game" +"What do you call someone who dresses up like a noodle","An Impasta" +"Dogs can't operate. MRI machines","But catscan" +"What is Mozart doing right now","Decomposing" +"So, a drummer friend and his wife had twin girls. Their names","Anna one, anna two" +"Yesterday my daughter says, Ewww. Dad, look over there. There's a dead crow. I asked, It wasn't wearing a mask was it. She replied, No, it wasn't. I said, It probably died of Crowvid then","<Cue groans from daughter>" +"Why did the linguini join the Ghostbusters","Because it wasn't alfredo no ghost" +"It's amazing that birds can successfully navigate accross huge distances while migrating, considering","They're just wingin it" +"How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb","Just Juan" +"What’s Michael Jackson’s favorite poker hand","Jacks and 5" +"What did Jar Jar order at the sushi place","Meesa Soup" +"Me to My kid: I heard you've been planting trees, son. Why don't you plant Tulips","Nvm, not from Alabama" +"How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb","Just Juan" +"Some people might think transparent cars seems like a cool idea, but I don’t","I would steer clear of them" +"There are two kinds of people in this world","Those who need closure," +"Why does no one use circles","They are pointless" +"When is a door not a door","When it's ajar Downvote to the earth's magma" +"I opened my cell phone to see the battery","And the battery was the mitophonedria" +"Dad told me this one yesterday Him:You know what Smokey the Bear's middle name is","Me: what Him: The" +"Why are the North Koreans the best at geometry","Because they’ve got a Supreme Ruler" +"I bought a boat, and named it The. Unpaid. Intern . So now. I tell people","I have an unpaid intern-ship." +"On the instructions of my ready meal it says Rest for 5 minutes once cooked","But I'm not tired at all" +"I called 911 twice today - and no answer","I tell you: those guys at 1822 are the worst" +"I heard that. Russia has the best ambulance. When you call, they come","Russian!" +"Told my daughter I made her an appointment with her doctor. Her: Which doctor","Me: No, just a regular doctor" +"Why can't a bicycle stand up on its own","It's two-tired" +"Got fired from the Mortuary, but I don't care","Business was dead anyways 💀" +"I told my friend a joke about nickel and cesium. He said it was pretty","NiCe" +"Today at the lake. My daughter dropped her phone in the water and jumped in after it. I told her she just open an InstaSwam account","Somehow I'm the bad guy" +"I can't take my dalmatian to the duck pond anymore","I guess that's what you get for having a pure bread dog." +"Two fish are in a tank","One turns round the other and says “how do you drive this thing" +"What’s the longest boy name","Miles" +"I’d never let my children watch the orchestra","There is too much sax and violins in it" +"My employer told me I have to learn a new language, and quickly","So I chose Russian" +"My dad got the whole family last night at dinner. Brother: Is anyone going to order dessert. Mom: What do they have. Brother: There's a really excellent chocolate mousse. Dad: I just had a huge steak","I don't think I could eat a moose" +"My family staged an intervention because I tell too many dad jokes","Joke's on them, there's no such thing as On-and-On Anon" +"Dad got me at dinner. We were at a Sushi restaurant and I was browsing reddit and saw an astonishing post and I said: Holy","My dad pointed at his dish and said: Mackerel, there some right here" +"Eating dinner with a group of friends this weekend and the oyster appetizer was at the other end of the table. 'Can you get me an oyster. ' Sorry, they're all gone","Aww shucks" +"During a work meeting The owner of my company goes, Well we finally got our sales team back so we are ready to go. Me: Full sales ahead","" +"Dad. I'll call you later","Don't do that call me dad." +"Thank you for helping me translate 'viele'","It means a lot to me" +"What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo","One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter" +"The best way to get in touch with your long lost relatives","is to win the lottery" +"Why are seagulls called seagulls. Because if they flew over the bay they'd be called bagels","Edit: spelling" +"Why did the drummer play with vegetables","He needed some fresh beets" +"I put. LEDs on her engagement ring. Her face lit up when","I proposed" +"I wanted to cook chicken for dinner, but I forgot to take it out of the freezer ahead of time","It wasn’t a well thawed out plan" +"Trespassing is only illegal in groups of three","Or else it would be unopassing" +"I know you're rushing. I'm a waitress and this one got dropped on me today when a family of 5 came in. They had previously stated they were in a hurry so brought them the check and said (i should probably mention that I have a very southern accent) 'I know y'all are rushin' so-' the dad cut me off with 'No, we're Americans. ' His kids and wife were not amused and I just busted up laughing and high fived him","Anyway, I thought you guys would enjoy it" +"My dad has been battling serious lung problems","But he's dealing with them asbestos he can" +"My dad doesn't make many jokes, but this one was too good not to share. I have letter magnets on my fridge so people can spell out messages. For some reason my dad put up YOYO TRICKS . I'm completely baffled by what this is supposed to mean. So I ask him and he replies What's a yo-yo trick. The first one to come to mind is walk the dog","He was telling me to walk the dog" +"I tried to make a dad joke, quickly got shown up by my dad. Mom: Wipe that stupid-ass grin off your face Me: What's an ass grin. Dad: Well, it's not what you take for a headache","*groans ensue*" +"Needed to consult dad about moms gift this year. http://i. imgur. com/HwEYi8q. png","should have known better" +"Heard this one today. What would happen if all women on Earth disappeared","The world would go *poof*" +"Dad joked my nephew during my birthday party. Yesterday was my birthday and my family took me out for lunch. My cousin has a 2 year old son and they were horsing around. One thing led to another and his son bumped his head on a lamp. After a few seconds he started crying and everybody stopped talking. I look over at my cousin and say He'll be fine, he's probably just a little light headed","The only person who laughed was my uncle" +"During university move out I'm moving out of my dorm room this morning to go home for the summer, and my dad is up to give me a hand. There's an elevator that we're taking so I don't have to take my cart down the stairs, and we're packed in with five or six other people. One of them looks at the wall of the elevator and notices that somebody has written Hannah on it, and says What was Hannah doing in here. Me: Writing on the wall, from the looks of things. Other person: Well, can't argue with that. My dad: So you're saying you can see the Hannah writing on the wall","All: *groan*" +"What do you call the older Ford models","A’ford’able" +"I can’t find that board game anywhere. It’s a mystery to me","I’m Clueless" +"MAY DAY. MAY DAY. MAY DAY","Never failed, first day of May he'd shout this like he hadn't done it every year before" +"Got caught at school. I'm 14. I saw my friend between periods and I say All right",", he goes Nah, I'm half left" +"Well","That's a deep subject" +"In honor of Mother's Day. I'd like to share a poem that my own dad wrote for his mom once upon a time: M is for the **many** things she gave me. O is for the **other** things she gave me. T is for **the** things she gave me. H is for **her** things she gave me. E is for **everything** she gave me. R is for the **rest** of the things she gave me","Happy Mother's Day to all mothers" +"My boyfriend asked me why i never blinked during foreplay","I said I didn't have time" +"Geography dad joke overheard at chipotle. What state is high in the middle and round at the ends. Ohio","His chuckle was so pleased" +"The Tower of Pisa was trying hard to remain politically neutral","but it was leaning too far right" +"I’m getting sick and tired of my wife constantly accusing me of sitting around and doing nothing","I’m not going to stand for it" +"I always wanted to play a lumberjack in a movie","but my acting was too wooden" +"Went to a zoo that only had one animal in it, and it was a dog","It was a pretty Shih Tzu" +"I keep a little rug on the passenger seat. It keeps me company while I’m driving and I give it a rub from time to time","It’s my car pet" +"My wife has an extraordinary ability to cook persevered food from a jar","Her cooking is uncanny" +"Someone toilet papered my house last night","Now it’s worth $875,000" +"My husband just put a level on my head","And said I'm not very level headed" +"My husband just threw a glass of milk at me","How Dairy" +"My wife's two favorite things are Jesus and potato chips. We met on Christian Pringle","com" +"When trying to find out where the tunnels are on a trip. Me: Where are the tunnels between here and Philly","Dad: Under the Mountains" +"Ever hear the joke about the time Batman was followed back to the Batcave by 14 sodium atoms","NaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNa" +"“My goodness, you must have grown a foot since I last saw you","” —-Doctor, seeing a patient again at Chernobyl" +"Girls who talks about girls' problems are great","But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta" +"Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”","So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”" +"My 6 year old pulled this one on me. “What do fancy lamas get driven around in","” Lamasines" +"My daughter brought her boyfriend over the over day when all of a sudden, a pair of goalie gloves fell out of his bag. It was this moment that I knew","He's a keeper" +"My dad drove over a piecost. Me: What's a Piecost","Dad: About £2" +"I went totally bald overnight","You know what they say, hair today gone tomorrow" +"Why did the guy fail on the cheese test","He didn't know Jack" +"I’m so upset. Someone stole my limbo stick","I mean how low can you go" +"Running dad joke. I say Hmm, is it a foot. Eye roll every time. Running with my daughter. She stops and says dad I have something in my shoe. I say Hmm, is it a foot","Used to laugh but now just get eye rolls every time" +"Hey baby,. I'll do unspeakable things to you","Like asjhdhsbxb and sjxbbbehzug" +"I’m updating my terms of service and privacy policy That was my last post on Facebook before I deactivated my account. People thought it was funny but I wonder how long until they realize what it actually meant","" +"Boyfriend woke up and laid this one on me Me-Did you catch a cold","Him- I dont have the reflexes for that" +"TIL it's spelt bread. http://i. imgur. com/m61XhIx","jpg" +"Hey Dad I was getting ready to exchange my phone for a new one, and checking that I've synced everything I ask my Dad: Dad, what else is sync-able","Dad: A boat" +"When. I was 7,. I cried when my dad chopped up onions","I miss onions, he was a good dog" +"Guy walks into a bar. Ahh ya know what, never mind. This is a bad joke","I just couldn't tell it without lowering the bar" +"If you want a woman to like you, you should buy her a lot of pets","Because I read in an issue of Cosmopolitan that women love a person that can give her multiple organisms" +"For the psychologists My mum accidently made a brilliant unintended joke earlier. Me: I hope classical and operant conditioning comes up on paper 2 Mum: What's that again. Me: well classical has Pavlov's case study, do you remember","Mum: oh yeah that's ringing a bell" +"What is heavy going forward and not going back","\- \- \- A Ton" +"Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health. From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams. One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week. His wife answered the door. Sure. his wife said. It will cost you $500. That much. But you're getting my husband and his otter. They bring up more clams than anyone else in town. I just want Juan. I'll hire him alone for $350. the man countered. Sorry. she shrugged","You can't have Juan without the otter" +"Did you hear about the Mexican that got shot at the golf course","It was a hole in Juan" +"Studies show that telling Dad Jokes increases fertility. I mean","it's conceivable" +"Just talked to my dad about the gif on the front page of the cop tackling the gunman and his hostage i said yeah the cop was on the roof and tackled the guy, it seemed intense. My dad says it wasn't outside. I said uh. well yeah he was on a roof and jumped down. He says back but I thought you said it was in tents","I let out the biggest groan as he starts giggling like a school girl" +"While reaching for the seasonings at dinner, I ask my wife","Isn't it weird that when you pepper someone with something it's considered assault" +"My wife said she would kill me if I kept singing I'm a Believer . I called her bluff and kept at it","Then I saw her face" +"What do you do with a space party","You Planet" +"A Mafia hit-man was arrested for killing a man in a rice field with a porcelain figurine","The police said this is the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack" +"My dad dropped this one while barbecuing Mom: What are you going to do about these utensils you used on the raw chicken. Dad: It's fine I already put them in the fire. Me: Is fire enough to kill viruses","Dad: For sure, unless it's a fireus" +"What did the physicist give his wife for their anniversary","Joule-ery" +"I really feel like I have a bad posture","I have a hunch" +"I was in a nightclub grinding on a girl","When someone said, What the fuck are you doing with that skateboard" +"My colleagues at work gave me the nickname “Mr. Compromise”","It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m ok with it" +"What did the German say to the baker","Gluten tag" +"People often accuse me of stealing other people's jokes and being a plagiarist","Their words, not mine" +"What do native americans celebrate","Thanks-Recieving" +"My Russian friend was telling me how he thinks people have a negative view of his Country","I just thought ‘Oh, Crimea river’" +"Why do raccoons get fat","Because their diet is trash" +"I heard Boy George’s reptile bites 5 people in one day","He needs a calmer chameleon" +"How do German breads greet each other","By saying Gluten Tag" +"I bought a PS4, played it every day, then returned it to Costco after three months","I really gamed the system" +"Why do programmers wear glasses","Because they can't C#" +"My wife thought I was being romantic. We were cooking dinner a few nights back at her mother's, and the conversation turned to romantic gestures. Me: So my love, what's your favorite type of flower. Her: I'm going to have to say orchids. Why. Going to be romantic and buy me flowers. Me: Oh, that's strange. I prefer wheat-based flour myself","Her eyes rolled so hard it sounded like a bowling alley" +"A dad's only daughter was getting married. As he was about to walk her down the aisle, she turned to him, wiped away a tear, and said, Can you believe this day has come","The dad turned to his daughter and said, I always knew this day would come, but I never thought you'd get married on it" +"I. LOVE telling dad jokes but am not a father. Guess","I'm a faux pa" +"I feel like I had a good one in real life yesterday. Mom: Why don't you use the trowel","Me: Let's just call a spade a spade" +"Which one of your mates is the best at chess","The Czech mate" +"Why did the house have to go to the doctor","Because it had shingles" +"I walked past a Boston Terrier today","It bahked at me" +"Why will ranchers never feed their cattle marijuana","It makes the steaks too high" +"What do modern day undead use for money","Crypt-o-currency; Vampires specifically like bit-coin" +"Trying to see a movie with my dad Me: There's this movie called The Eagle Huntress Dad: Isn't that illegal. Me: Well it's set in Kazakhstan. I think it's legal there","Dad: No, it's definitely Ill-Eagle" +"Even though he extremely skeptical, the hunchback’s wife finally convinced him to see a surgeon to straighten his spine","When the operation was done, he came home and told his wife: I stand corrected" +"I used to work at Subway. Customer: Can I have lettuce, 3 tomatoes, and light green peppers Me: Sorry, we only have dark green peppers, are those okay","Nobody ever picked up on it" +"Jesus drove a Honda, but never talked about it","For I do not speak of my own Accord" +"I stopped by the ammo store before going hunting. The clerk told me about their 2 for 1 sale","“More bang for your buck" +"Why are faeries no good at multiple-choice quizzes","Because they always pixie" +"Just happened: my 5 year old son had finished his dinner and had a single piece of penne pasta left on his plate I asked him if he was going to finish it and he said no","Are you sure I said, cos he's looking cannelloni" +"Why is an unpaid debt so miserable","Because it’s always a loan" +"A father in Iraq gave his daughter a new bag","She said, “Thanks for the Baghdad" +"My wife said we should have Chili tonight. My wife said we should have chili tonight and watch Jessica Jones. I said So you're saying you want to Netflix and Chili","She groaned and walked away" +"Marriage is like a card game","At first, you have two Hearts and a Diamond, but at the end, you'll want a Club and a Spade" +"My boss said that he’s going to fire the person with the worse posture","I have a hunch it might be me" +"What is the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits your windshield","His ass" +"My deaf girlfriend just told me that we need to talk","That’s not a good sign" +"My dad always thought laughter was the best medicine","which is I guess why several of us got of tuberculosis" +"Kinda Dark Dad Joke. So I'm watching TV with my daughters. A Saint Jude commercial comes on and shows a bunch of sick kids dying of cancer. both of my daughters let out a compassionate Awe. Me: Hey girls, do you realize how many more kids in America were diagnosed with cancer during the time it took to watch that commercial. Daughters: Oh my God. I don't even what to think about it. How many","Me: Tumor" +"A mate and I were at a bar one night, when. half a dozen mean-looking tough and muscly guys approached us. The biggest of them said to me in a rough voice, You're at our table. Get lost. Now. &#x200B; My mate whispered to me, Just pretend we're the police . &#x200B; I thought this was a great idea. But​ >. I only got halfway through the first line of Roxanne before they started beating the crap out of us","<" +"Someone asked if. I was moving to. Florida permanently. I replied it was only","Tamparary." +"My dad's response when I told him two friends of mine named Rachel were getting married","He said I'm not in favor of that I asked I thought you supported same sex marriage He said: I do, I'm against inter-Rachel marriages" +"What do you call a sick eagle","Illegal" +"Why did the picture go to jail","It was framed" +"I called my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up cheeseburgers and fries on my way home from work, but she just grunted at me","I think she still regrets letting me name the twins" +"What do you call a deer with no eyes. No eye-deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs","Still no eye-deer" +"My husband and I were changing our 3 week old son's diaper It's 3 am, we're both exhausted, and this tiny child just took the biggest poop. Me: Wow. That's a hefty diaper. Husband: Actually, that's a Pampers. Hefty makes trash bags. Me: *groan* I'm going to bed","" +"What do you call a number that just can’t keep still","A roamin’ numeral" +"Saw this classic dadjoke at the flea market. http://imgur","com/OfH9PlI" +"Wife and I simultaneously dad-joked our friend Our friend had just finished eating and asked, Do I have anything on my face","Wife: A beard Me: Your glasses" +"Wanna know why it's called Missouri. Well, Mr","Ouri wasn't very happy with the marriage" +"If you laugh at this joke I'll give you a panda","No **bamboo**zle" +"I know where I get it from now. **Dad:** You working today. **Me:** Yea **Dad:** Why. It's a Good Friday to take off. **Me:** *","sigh*" +"What’s the quietest dinner","A Shhhh Kebab" +"I once had my wallet stolen by a rodent who didn't know his father","That rat bastard took all my money" +"I broke my finger today","but on the other hand I'm completely fine" +"'Therefore","' Said the man pointing to quadruplets" +"Why did the poet hire a security guard","He didn't want his metaphors to be taken literally" +"Enjoying Thanksgiving break with my very white family. My uncle walked out of his bedroom wearing a green sweatshirt. My mom perked up and exclaimed in all excitement, That's my favorite color. My uncle, unflinching and without missing a beat replied, Caucasian. And gives the most wry smile in the midst of a racially awkward silence. I inappropriately giggled. I might be kicked out of the family. P. I know it's not my dad, but he's a dad to some of the people who were in the room","So it counts" +"How do robots say goodbye","They use bye-nary" +"Did you know you can't run through a campsite","You have to ran through because it's past tents" +"My dad hit me with this one last night while playing board games. Me: Go ahead and draw seven cards. Dad: Okay, can you give me a pencil. Me: What for","Dad: To draw seven cards" +"What's the eskimo's favorite food","brrrrrito" +"What do you call a group of women named Kara standing in a row","Caroline" +"I'm a nurse. Me: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today","Boyfriend: What happened to the normal sized patients" +"What is a communist bird’s favourite restaurant","Red Robin" +"Did you hear the joke about the snake. It’s actually a long tale/tail","-I don’t know how puns work in written form" +"How do you tell a boy chromosome from a girl chromosome","Pull down their genes" +"My. Half. Horse friend is so vain","He always has to be the centaur of attention" +"Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors","Because if they had 4 they’d be chicken sedans" +"I started brewing my own lager called Photon","It's light beer" +"The liquor store has a baseball team","They're not the best, but they'll definitely give you a rum for your money" +"Why do dads make dad jokes","Because they can't mom joke" +"I had a flashback to the time. I ran through a campground","Past tents." +"How will Donald Trump deport Mexicans from U","Juan by Juan" +"Dad Joke on the road Driving down the freeway with my sisters in the car. I asked, Hey, you guys like Country music, right. Yes, they responded. [ Good, because we just happen to be driving behind. ](http://i. imgur. com/NSR10Es","jpg)" +"How did the hipster burn his tongue","He drank his coffee before it was cool" +"Have you heard that Ben & Jerry have been arrested","Their assets have been frozen during the investigation" +"What did the EMT say when a patient kicked him between the legs","Medic" +"A man walks in a bar and asks for some punch. The bartender says Go wait in line","He looks around but there's no punchline" +"Why do you see yellow stars when you get hurt","Because when youre in pain you yell ow" +"I won today. After the deliver of yet another stupid dad joke today my nine year old rolled his eyes HARD, shook his head and said, I quit. I quit being your son. Then I found him repeating the joke to himself and immediately telling himself to shut up while grinning","It was glorious" +"Every time I go to my therapist, I stand in one corner of the waiting room, blowing air at people","Everyone hates it, but I’m a fan" +"What is the most suspenseful sushi","A drum roll" +"I scorched my feet on the beach the other day. My friends all call me. Burnie","Sanders." +"How do plants greet","Aloe" +"A man with two right feet walks into a shoe store","He walks up to the salesman and says: Hey there, do you guys sell flop-flops" +"What do you call a tree stuck on a math problem","Stumped" +"A husband and wife are getting married when. Minister: And now your wedding vows Groom: A E I O U Bride: Omg do u ever take anything seriously. Groom: sometimes","why" +"Why did the human child cross the playground","To get to the other slide" +"How do you find Will Smith in the snow","Look for fresh prints" +"Why didn't the greedy king ever get a haircut","He didn't want any heirs on his throne" +"How does the man in the moon cut his hair","Eclipse it" +"What do you call a 5 year old farmer","A kinder-gardener" +"I did an essay about Arizona and the Grand Canyon","My teacher only wanted the cliff notes though" +"I took my daughter out for her first drink. While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink. Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager. She didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope. In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it. By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home. ~ ~ *[edited for spelling","sorry to offend" +"Son:. Hey dad you forgot your hat","Dad: that's odd, things like this are usually at the top of my head." +"Being a pessimistic is like being a German Vegetarian","I fear the Wurst" +"The. Fast and. The. Furious 10 title should be dedicated to. Paul. Walker. Fast 10:. Your","Seatbelts" +"I quit my job at the pepsi factory","It was soda pressing" +"Why don’t ants get sick","Because they have little anty-bodies" +"Breaking Dad After making my girlfriend laugh at a series of dumb jokes I menacingly declared: I am the laughter","I am the one who knock knocks This is now her favorite thing" +"Why couldn't the police arrest the burglar on the second floor","Because he took the stairs" +"In my town, there was a court case between a husband and wife about who owned an outdoor storage building","In the end, the judge dismissed it because the only evidence was he shed, she shed" +"Why are animals in Africa so smart","They have a huge Hippo Campus" +"I was at the dentist today I was at the dentist waiting for my dad to get done. The dentist asks my dad are your teeth sensitive","Only when you call them mean names" +"What do you call a Hispanic with a rubber toe","Roberto" +"What do you get if you divide a pumpkins circumference by its diameter","Pumpkin π" +"How much does a concert featuring 50 Cent and Nickelback cost","45 Cents" +"What did the shoes say to the pants","What's up, britches" +"What do you call a Chicken that sees a lettuce","Chicken-See's-A-Salad" +"My partner is learning about male genitalia and vasectomies","I told her there's a vas deferens between male and female genitalia" +"Perks of being a Dog A dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to him. By the way he does not need to pay for medical insurance. He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head","A dog is like a “POLITICIAN”" +"You know what. Dad: yes I do, great guy. Just saw him this morning Me: no, dad","I'm serious Dad: Well, Serious, I should introduce you to What" +"Dad joked the old man today. (Then got one in return) So I'm out bowling with my dad, he sits down and says I'm freaking tired of course I have to say hi freaking tired, I'm OP, have you seen my dad. He looks at me with complete disappointment, then says, yes I have seen your dad, and are you sure you have your name right OP. Because in pretty sure that you're grounded So yea, that backfired","GG dad" +"A lame. Applebee's dad joke. I went to. Applebee's with my mom and her friend and the first thing she did was comment on being cold it's chilly in here . I replied no, we're not at chili's this is. Applebee's","I'm sorry for even saying that here wow" +"My girlfriend got really annoyed We were making a stir fry for supper, and I asked her if she would cook, because she makes stir fries more often than I do. She asked me when I was going to figure it out, so I would need her to 'wok me through it'. She stopped talking to me for about 10 minutes","Worth it" +"What's a Soviet Russians Favourite unit of time","Hours" +"How to you fix an animated car","With a toon up" +"What do you get if you mix a Grizzly Bear with a Polar Bear","A Bi-Polar Bear" +"Pigeons are back in the chimney but I don't think they're the same as last year","I heard there's been a coo" +"Mountains aren’t just funny","They’re also hill areas...." +"Hey dad, have you seen my sunglasses","No son, have you seen my dadglasses" +"Passed a demolished building on a road trip with friends One of them says, I wonder what that used to be. My response: A building probably","Sighs were had" +"A fellow dad got some sunblock in his eye While backpacking. He said it's burning my eye . I said well, that's ironic","He says, very eye-ronic" +"What's large, grey, and doesn't matter","An irrelephant" +"A Jew operating a coffee machine","Hebrew" +"My dad pulled this one when he was a kid My dad and his friend were at my dad's house once. My dad pulled some hot dogs out of the fridge and started heating them up. After a few minutes, he realizes something and said Dude, we can't have these. They aren't ours. His friend replied, Well, who's are they","They're Frank's" +"I went to get my face casted a month in advance so I could be put on display in a wax museum","I think I was getting ahead of myself" +"Why did the hipster drown","He went ice skating on the pond before it was cool." +"Did you hear about the perfume that smells of nothing","I think it's total non scents" +"Today I found out I won a free cruise","All I have to do is pay for shipping" +"What do you call an evil moose with two legs","Moose-O-Leaney" +"I just got a part in a tampon commercial. I didn’t think. I would get it until","I pulled some strings." +"What do call a Nabisco delivery truck","An Oreo speed wagon" +"Wanna see something that's a little gross","^^^^^^^^^144" +"Guys with big feet","have a better under-standing" +"What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep","Matt" +"At the gym on a date with a lawyer We had finished squats and were moving on to the next exercise. I told her: Your Honor, I request permission to approach the bench","She didn't find it as funny as I did" +"Why does sonic wake up at 3:00 AM in Ramadan","Because he's gotta go fast" +"A mountain climber had recently set the world record for climbing a mountain with a strange name","He was at the peak of productivity" +"I’ve just been looking at our ceiling, kids, and while. I wouldn’t say it’s the best in the world…","It’s definitely up there…" +"A guy walks into a bank, walks up to the teller and asks, “Have you ever gone someplace and forget what you’re there for. ” The teller looks at him, her eyes getting larger and larger","The guy scratches his head with his gun saying, “I hate when that happens" +"Dad. Ordered. Taco. Bell. Asked how many. Dillas come in their. Ques 'a","Dillas" +"preparing myself to be a dad one day my girlfriend is on vacation and told me she was going to bring me home something. She just texted me I got you some candy today I said That's so sweet. she said I could barf now. I'm just glad she got the joke","I'm going to be a great father one day" +"My GF leaves me notes around the apartment. Today I found [this one. ](https://m. imgur. com/gallery/axWcZhd) Edit: Wow, thanks for the positive responses. Here are some [more notes from her. ](http://imgur","com/a/fPC76) Thank you reddit, for making my girlfriend famous for a day, she quite enjoyed your comments after a hard day's work :)" +"What is heavy forwards but is not backwards","A ton" +"So what do you call a sad vegetable","Despairagus" +"Yesterday, a woman asked me if her dry ice was priced correctly I told her Yes ma'am, the ice is right. Silence. I worked so hard on that joke in my mind, and she didn't get it","My talent is unappreciated" +"A Scottish piece of copper wire walks into a bar, and his friend challenges him to drink a pint of beer in under 2 seconds. He responds","I conduit" +"What do you call a musical ensemble of thieves","A robber band" +"What do you call a dog that knows magic","Labracadabrador" +"The setup was perfect Wanna meet up later and help me figure out this shelf. Sure","Maybe we can pick up a shelf help book" +"How do you destroy a Republic","Use a pair of Caesars" +"What do call the illegitimate son of a fish","A reel bass turd" +"Dadjoked a user at work today. We were exchanging greetings. Me: Hey, how's it going. Him: Oh, you know, same ol' thing. Another day, another dollar. Me: Well, you should probably ask for a raise. There was a moment of silence before he realized what had happened","I was much too amused with myself" +"My 12 year old said Chemistry is cool . To which. I replied, Unless it's exothermic, in which case it's hot","The eye roll was audible." +"If you only have one dock, so you go back in time to build yourself another dock, what do you have. A paradox","If you freeze it, then it's paradoxicle" +"Why do German girls all have the same phone number","Every one of them I ask says 999-9999" +"I just redid my kitchen in marble. Unfortunately it was counter-feit","I can't believe I got taken for granite like that" +"Wife Messed up my Haircut Wife: I messed up the back a bit, so it's going to be a bit higher than usual. Me: How bad is it off by","Wife: Just a hair" +"Every war movie has a bad guy named Will. Have you ever noticed that. Uhhh, no can't say that I have dad. Yeah, they're always yelling 'Fire at Will'","Probably a repost but literally just happened 2 minutes ago and saw my opportunity for a post" +"Never let a wolf meditate","It will become aware wolf" +"What did the computer call his father","Data" +"Why is camping so extreme","Because your sleep will be *in-tents*" +"They invented a new type of blade","The technology behind it is cutting edge." +"What do you call a cow that isn’t moving","Dead meat" +"I’m. Putting. My. Grades. Up. For. Adoption. Because","I can’t raise them myself." +"Every time my dad sees a guy with a 6-pack on a commercial He always blurts out, Hey. I didn't give them permission to use my body in this commercial","" +"Why do scientists use doorknockers","To win the Nobell prize" +"What do you call a cow walking on a cliff","Ledge-n-dairy" +"Why is my dad balding. Because now","I am his heir." +"In the Matrix, flat-chested women enslaved by the machines for their bio-electricity are literally AA batteries","Tell your friends, there's no charge for the joke" +"I accidentally gave my wife a gluestick Instead of chapstick","She still isnt talking to me" +"Why were the dark ages called the dark ages","Because there were so many Knights" +"My doctor recommended I sleep on a stack of old magazines","I have back issues" +"What's something you looked forward to as a kid but now don't like","Blizzard" +"Why do you never trust an overweight female drug dealer","Because she will always cell-u-lite" +"Do you know why the Moon is older than the Sun","Because the Moon goes out at night" +"What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo","One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter" +"To the guy who invented zero:","Thanks for nothing." +"Innuendo","Is my favourite brand of Italian suppository" +"My 6 year-old got me this morning listening to Black Widow in the car. Him - Why is it called Black Widow, Baby . Me - Because Black Widows are notorious for killing their husbands. Him - It should be called Black Bear Pirate Me - Why","Him - Because they say You should've known better than to mess with me honey" +"How do you turn a T into a P. Drink it","Edit: Maybe “Drink the tea” is clearer" +"Why did the mafia go into the pizza business","They wanted to make some dough" +"I am sure he set me up for it Dad: Your so pretty, why don't you have a boyfriend. Me: Ah boys are a pain in the ass","Dad: Then your doing it wrong" +"What is the biggest advantage about living in Switzerland","I don't know, but the Flag's a big Plus" +"Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space Terrible joke","Only three stars" +"I just stated a watch collection","My friends think I have too much time on my hands" +"Which is faster, hot or cold","Hot, because you can catch a cold" +"I'm going to start a business selling worms and. Nintendo consoles. I'll call it Bait and","Switch." +"I've legitimately practiced for this one. I'm so glad I was prepared when it happened. I'm a teacher, and due to recent storms we've had a few short-lived blackouts. Today in class the electricity was being fixed by the company and they had to shut the lights off for a few minutes. Secretary (comes in the room): were there any problems with the lights off. Me (I've got this, I'm ready. ): No, we were delighted. The secretary left, paused outside and then came back in with the worst glare possible. Yes. Thank you guys, I was prepared. Edit: Front page. Awesome. This is the highlight of my day. Keep your puns coming, I love them all (and I'm secretly practicing them for the proper opportunity). Thank you so much /user/x9x9x9x9x9 for the gold. It made everything that much better","Keep your puns coming you guys (especially teachers" +"I like to tell a lot of. Pokémon jokes","But my friends don't catch 'em all" +"I was so proud of this one Few weeks ago i was in a car with a my mum and a friend who is a pysch nurse and she was telling me a stories about some of the patients and she said to me a woman swallowed a battery, without me missing a beat I said was she charged with anything","cue everyone in the car groaning and my mum whacking me in the shoulder" +"How does Winnie the Pooh open his honey pot jar","With his bear hands" +"Did you all hear recently that a major cheese factory exploded in France","Da Brie was everywhere" +"Had a weird dream about an electric sea knight","It was Sir Eel" +"My son was hit by a car today. Relax, it was only a hot wheels. Back story: So my one son threw a hot wheels car at my other son and left a pretty good gash on his face. This wouldn't have been a big issue except we had a family gathering to go to. People were a little surprised about how calm I was when they asked what happened and all I said was he got hit by a car like it has happened a bunch of times","Not sure if it really belongs here but it was pretty funny to see people's reactions" +"What would happen if there were no assholes","We would be full of shit" +"Why did they give the Scarecrow an award","Because he was outstanding in his field" +"I guarantee you there is nobody in the world smarter than me","Or my name isn't Hugh Briss" +"It's difficult to say what my wife does for a living","She sells seashells on the seashore." +"So I was fixing my keyboard I was using a screwdriver to get the keys off and clean the underneaths. Anyway, i pried the ESC key out and it flung across the room. My dad picked it up, eyeballed it and asked it Did you really think you could escape","Classic" +"I have mixed feelings about masturbation","On one hand it feels good." +"21st Century Nursery Rhymes My dad decided classic nursery rhymes are too graphic for today's youth","So he told my two year old daughter: Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, And his winter wasn't half bad either" +"Why did the astronaut move to the suburbs","He wanted more space" +"Why didn't the teddy bear go to lunch","It was already stuffed" +"I have a dad-bod, but. I'm not actually a dad","That must make me a faux pa." +"What did the pirate say when he turned 80","“Aye matey" +"What’s the most accurate name for an Asian professor","Te Ching" +"Due to the Coronavirus, there is a huge shortage of maternity ward staff","It’s a midwife crisis" +"Peaing Wife While making dinner, The Wife spills a bag of frozen peas on the floor. She's instantly red faced. *I knew I had to tread carefully* Man, if the dog did that you'd be yelling at her for peeing all over the floor","She tried so hard not the laugh and she failed" +"Stranded on the other side of the county and needed to get to my wife at the ER. Dad to the rescue. http://imgur","com/DNGS3MV" +"What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb","You can unscrew a lightbulb" +"My Dad lost his job at the cemetery after burying someone in the wrong hole","It was a grave mistake" +"Watching Lord of the Rings with my girlfriend When I ask her: Are you Team Arwen or Team Eowyn. Team Arwen, you","Not sure, but either way, it's a wyn-wen situation for Aragorn" +"My dad hit me with this so fast I am almost positive he'd been setting this up for weeks. My dad has been making jokes as if he is in a cult, either the cult of landru from Star trek, scientology, or the heaven's gate cult for weeks. So, today I'm making pancakes while he's telling me I must give myself to Landru, that it would be a good idea to get my thetans checked, Xenu died for my sins etc etc, and so I say to him You know, most people just pick the one cult and stick with that","And he immediately lights up like it's Christmas morning and he's got a god damned Red Rider beebee gun, and he goes I can't help it if I'm multiCULTural I felt violated, used, and extremely proud all at once" +"Did you know that all ants are actually female","If they were male they would be uncles" +"Got my wife today while airing up a tire Her- Why in the world did they start charging for AIR","Me- Inflation" +"What do you call a row of rabbits jumping backwards","A receding hare line" +"Did you hear about the train robbery down in Mexico","They said the robber had a loco-motive" +"What do you get when you combine country and rap music","Crap" +"I'm reading a book on anti-gravity","I can't put it down" +"What does the marxman put in his gun","Communition" +"Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend","They're both cauldron" +"What do you call a city without a Swedish furniture store","I have no IKEA" +"I can read you're mind","You are thinking about my grammatical error." +"Q: What do you call a pig from 65,000,000 years ago","A: Jurassic Pork" +"What d'you get if you randomly smack a load of avocados","Wuacamole" +"My wife. Ruth left me because of my jokes. I told her am","Ruthless" +"Noticed an influx of bird jokes from my dad recently","Toucan play at that game" +"Why did Goldilocks get kicked out","She was unbearable" +"My dad sent me something in the mail and included this message. http://i. imgur. com/9aj1lmg","jpg" +"What does a house wear","Address" +"My friend is a medical professional who does circumcisions for a living","He doesn't get paid much, but at least he gets to keep all the tips" +"I could practically hear my boyfriend's eyes rolling. Hungry boyfriend: i want ribs","Me: (touches his ribcage) but you already have some" +"I became invisible today and tried to book an appointment with my doctor","Unfortunately he said that he couldn't see me." +"Snow vs Rain A man and his wife are sitting at the kitchen table, which is next to the window. The man's name is Rudolph, and since he is Russian, people call him Rudolph the Red. Rudolph looks out the window and says Oh look honey, it's raining outside. She looks out as well and says, No, I think that is snow. He looks at her and says, Rudolph the Red knows rain dear","" +"I never see my father after his sex change operation","It's like he's transparent" +"I found a nice set of cutlery online","it had knife reviews" +"My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of. Sprite from the shop. It’s only when. I was walking home that. I realised","I’d picked 7 up" +"I just met a girl named. Ally","Glad to know she was on my side." +"Angela Merkel is at passport control at a Greek airport. When reviewing her passport, the officer asks-“occupation. ” She replies- “Nien","This time, ve are only here for za day" +"What do you call a cat with a disability","Handicat" +"When do people start using their trampolines more","Spring time" +"YouTubers love the Legend of Zelda","They are always putting a Link in the description" +"My best friend (and dad) comments on a camping trip we are trying to plan http://imgur","com/Cvcg6kS" +"What do you call a Ducks Ass","A Butt Quack" +"What did 0 say to 8","Hey where did you get the nice belt" +"What did Robin Hood say when asked if he wanted to take a walk in the woods","Sherwood" +"Should we use scaffolding. Worker #1: Should we use scaffolding or should we use some other means to access the higher portions of the structure. Worker #2: It should be the latter. Worker #1: Agreed","I'll get it off the truck" +"Why couldn't the toiler paper cross the road","Because it got stuck in a crack" +"Why did the chicken cross the road","Look at the question mark I'm asking you" +"My butt has been hurting me lately","better take some asspirin" +"My sister majored in Philosophy. I saw her sobbing the other day, worried she won’t get a job","I said, “Are you having an existential cry, sis" +"My wife tells me that our sex life is weird, mostly because I get easily distracted","Guess I better get back to it" +"Doctor, help me. Sometimes I think I’m a Teepee and other times I think I’m a wigwam","Doctor: obviously, you’re two tents" +"My wife and I have split up over my obsession with horoscopes","In the end it Taurus apart" +"My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine","So I added some fruit and lemonade to it, and now she sangria than ever" +"Are you today's date","Because you're 10/10" +"What do you call a bunch of very comedic mounds of dirt","HILLarious" +"I've just been informed that my six year old son is not mine and that. I have to pay more attention when","I pick him up from school." +"When I call my Dad and ask him what he's up to. Conversation typically goes something like this: Me: Hey Dad, what are you up to today. Dad: About 5'10 , what about you. Every","Time" +"I saw a striking grey whale while at sea in early summer","and I thought, maybe she's born with it, or maybe it's May baleen" +"How do you get down from an elephant. You don't","You get down from a goose" +"Girlfriend asked me what meal I wanted for my birthday. She gets me https://imgur","com/a/86LSZ" +"Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself","It was two tired" +"I hired lawyers to sue the airline company for mishandling my luggage","They lost my case" +"My friend works at the zoo and was complaining about having to clean monkey poop every day","He called and said, “This shit is bananas" +"What is a thousand times better than instagram","Instakilogram" +"What do you call a octopus with no tentacles","Bob Courtesy of my dad last night at dinner 😂" +"I was in a library when a crazy guy started chasing me","I booked it immediately" +"A cashier just asked: would you like your milk in a bag","I said No thanks, just leave it in the carton" +"What do you call a sleepwalking nun","A Roman Catholic" +"He know's his physics At my younger sisters college move in today I was helping my dad carry a couch up some stairs","He looked to me and said You know a these kids are gaining a lot of potential today" +"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy","I don't know and I don't care" +"What do you call it when you explode a French kitchen","Linoleum Blown-Apart" +"Why does Gordon Ramsey hate necrophilic bestiality","It's fucking RAW" +"I wrote doen some of my favorite day jokes on a piece of paper and showed them to my daughters. They groaned and told me they were terrible","I told them they were right, and ripped the paper in half to prove it" +"Why is the nose always in the middle of the face","Because it's the scenter" +"Who did auntie kill when she found out she had end-stage renal disease","her kid niece" +"I gave my wife a slutty girl accountant for her birthday and she asked me, What the hell is this. Well","it's the thot that counts" +"On which side do chickens have the most feathers","The outside" +"What has four wheels and flies","A garbage truck" +"I used to smoke pot in the 60's","Now I don't care what the temperature outside is" +"Call me later, okay. Sure","What should I call you" +"My girlfriend just dad joked me. Her: I was thinking about making a belt out of watches. Me: Oh yea. That would look really cool. Her: Nah, I realised it'd be a waist of time","Needless to say, she's a keeper (of time)" +"After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear","“Who was that" +"A condom manufacturer kept getting criticized because its new gimmicks never did anything for women. So they did what any good company would do and went to the most knowledgeable frog in the world for advice. You know what the frog said","“Ribbit" +"Asbestos Having the floor refinished at work they found asbestos in the adhesive. After workers came out 3 times to remove it all we were still complaining about some being left behind","I look to my boss and say, Well, I guess they got it asbestos they could" +"How do blind people drive","With stick" +"I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough","It is kneadless, to say" +"I didn't get the joke about the pink zeppelin","It went right over my head" +"I entered the local erection contest today. I didn't win but","I made it to the semi's" +"What do you call a nun in a wheelchair","Virgin Mobile" +"A man I know brings cheese from home to put on his fast food burgers instead of paying extra","He's a pretty Krafty guy" +"I bought my son a soccer ball. Why. My wife: I already have so much stuff for his birthday. Why did you buy this soccer ball","Me: Just for kicks" +"My girlfriend asked if I wanted to see Fantastic 4","I said no, I haven't seen the first three" +"why can't you have a nose that is 12 inches long","Because then it would be a foot" +"I was wondering what the sun looked like","Then it dawned on me" +"Do you guys know which album Smells Like Teen Spirit was on","oh I got it, nevermind" +"Whilst discussing oddly spelt names. Me: I saw the name Evelyn the other day, spelled E-I-B-L-E-A-N-N. Mum: I always used to think the name Siobhan was pronounced See-Ob-Han too","Dad: I knew a farmer once with a weird name, it was spelled E-I-E-I-O" +"Why wouldn’t the steam engine run","It was having selfish steam issues" +"It’s not a good idea to wear. Ukrainian boxer shorts","Chernobyl fallout." +"Got dad at dinner. Dad: joe, pass me the cheese for my pasta. Me: parmesan granted","I need to move out" +"The guy I asked for directions from wasted no time helping me","He was straight to the point" +"Playing Scrabble with my Dad on Christmas night I complain that I have four i's","Then you should be able to see the board better" +"Indians who wear turbans don't make good rhymes. They make","Sikh wraps" +"What's the difference between What's the difference between the people of Abu Dhabi and the people of Dubai","The people of Dubai don't watch the Flintstones, but the people of Abu Dhabi do" +"Russian math professor got me the other day. *math professor runs past me in the hallway* Me: You in a hurry Doc","Doc: No, I'm Russian" +"What's a Warframe player's favorite time","Ten ó-clock" +"Hi guys, what do you call dadjokes in spanish","La comicidad" +"What did the Martian paramedic say when the caller answered the door","Take me to your bleeder" +"Do you know the difference between a farmer and a pool shark","One minds his peas, the other his cues" +"Open invitation for r/dadjokes meetup There's a Fibonacci Convention in New York this weekend, and I think it would be a great opportunity for an r/dadjokes meetup","I hear this year's program will be as big as the last two years put together" +"How did the farmer find his wife","He tractor down" +"Setting up a meeting with a coworker Her: What does your calendar look like. Me: There are a bunch of squares with numbers in them","Then she threw something at me" +"Did you know janitors created a weightlifting exercise","They call it the power clean" +"Took my son fishing yesterday and there was a dolphin. When I cast out my bait he asked are you trying to catch him. Me; Not on porpoise He laughed 12 year old girl next to us cringed and said porpoise. really","Joke had desired effect" +"We went to","Croatia but didn't stay long we just went to zagreb and split." +"Girlfriend just got me good We watched our cat knead the couch before he laid down Me: Why do cats always do that. Her: Because they NEED to","I sighed so hard my lungs collapsed" +"A new kind of deer My dad had just come inside from doing yard work. He says, I was walking around outside when I saw a snake in the yard, but it was missing both its head and tail and I was wondering what kind of animal would do that. Then I realized it was a deer","A John Deere" +"An astronaut was trying to make coffee on the space station. Astronaut 1: I want to make coffee but I can't find any milk. Astronaut 2: In space, no one can","Here, use cream" +"My wife kills it Yesterday we took the kids bowling with my dad. While he's bowling his frame with toddler boys cheering him on the wife dropped this gem: Me: When I was a kid my dad was pretty darn good. Wife: So you're saying this activity is right up his alley. [Rimshot](http://youtu","be/g-4-gLlF0uw)" +"College class humor In college I took a business law class from a very conservative and intense professor who intimidated us by calling us out to answer questions randomly. One day the teacher was discussing Torts and called on me by name and then said, “Give me one type of Tort. ”, “Pop-Tort”. I blurted out. The room went completely silent as everyone was waiting for the professor to get very upset and then the unimaginable happened","The professor smiled then chuckled and then the class felt free to join in and laugh too" +"What do you call a Jedi with anxiety","Panakin Skywalker" +"A man answered the door in his underwear","Funny place to put a door." +"Son got me. Went shooting at an outdoor range. With my 11 year old boy. After putting 1000 rounds down range, we headed home. While driving home after like 10 mins. Me, my ears are messed up, the radio and the tires sound funny . Son, (holding up three finger) says, how many fingers am I holding up. Me, What, I said my ears are messed up not my eyes. Son, (still holding up his fingers yells at the top of his lungs) HOW MANY FINGERS AM I HOLDING UP","Im still laughing" +"Why did the dolphin take up Buddhism","Because he was searching for a higher porpoise" +"My mom saw a bird fly by during breakfast and said, oh look, a cardinal","My dad came back with this gem: no, I think that's a pope" +"I named my iphone. Titanic","It is syncing now" +"What do you call a sketchy italian neighbourhood","The spaghetto" +"What do you say to your sister when she's crying","Are you having a crisis" +"Don't ever buy flowers from a. Monk. Prevent. Florist","Friars" +"My dad lost his driving licence the other day and he was in a complaining and grumpy mood. He said well. I'm now a","Dav when i asked him what he meant he replied I don't have an id anymore" +"Take some peppermint from my garden, My Father in Law suggested It needs to be used before it goes bad. Mr. Brotato responds: Would you say it's no longer in","*mint* condition" +"What did the pirate say when he turned 80","Aye matey" +"How do you stop an astronaut's baby from crying","You rocket" +"I saw a group of snails take off their shells and fight with each other","It was a real slugfest" +"Got in a car accident and went to the hospital. I had some pain in my side, so i figured i'd rather be safe than sorry, so I went to the ER. The physician was doing an ultrasound to check for internal injuries, and he was like, so that's your spleen, we check for this black line right there. This here is your kidney, which looks fine. and I replied You gotta be kiddin-ney","my mom thought it was funny as hell" +"Did you know about the Ironing man","His name is Tony Starch" +"If all dogs go to heaven","Then do cats go to purr-gatory?" +"I finally got around to taking down my Christmas lights. My son asked if I wanted to use the ladder or the step-stool. I told him I'd prefer the latter, but he brought me the ladder","This joke sucks" +"The sporting goods store just had a big sale on canoes","It was quite the oar deal" +"Why did you bring your former husband to the hospital with you","You told me to bring my ex-, Ray" +"Counter question After we had been talking about some random stuff Her: Well I have a counter question for you. (Proceeds to ask her question). Me: That's not a counter question. A counter question would be 'Is that granite or Formica","' Then I sat there and laughed for five minutes" +"My doctor told me. I'm going deaf","The news was very hard to hear" +"Me and my brother are going to do some extreme camping this fall","We figure it'll be in-tents" +"Do you like your new yo-yo. Me: not sure","It has its ups and downs" +"Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1. 50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1","Those are the pie rates of the Carribean" +"How did the shoe become so evil","It sold its sole to the devil" +"What do you call web browsing in a foreign country","Site seeing" +"Mountains aren’t funny,","They’re hill areas." +"A","German pushes his brother off a cliff look mom no hans!" +"Steve immediately regrets his dad joke. http://i. imgur. com/207HKV0","jpg" +"Dad joked the waiter I'm eating at an Italian restaurant and the waiter brings my spaghetti. He says, Would you like some cheese with your meal. I say, Yes please","That would be grate" +"My son said that he doesn’t want to do laundry because our washing machine is too loud","I told him to put a sock in it" +"Do you want a box for this wine sir. customer to wife: do you wanna box or would you rather wrestle","wife: that's not even funny" +"Saw a one-legged man at the ATM this morning","He was checking his Balance" +"What did the fish say when it swam into the wall","Dam" +"If you sit on a toilet seat, you are connecting your butthole to a city network of buttholes","And that's a huge ass connection" +"I almost had the record for the most peas shoved up my nose","but I blew it" +"To the people who hate on “scripted” videos","Wait until I show you Netflix" +"Why did Apple buy Beats","It was a sound investment" +"I have a friend that’s really good at holding water","We call him Adam" +"What lies at the bottom of the ocean and shivers","A nervous wreck (for da best effect read in a nice piratey voice me lads)" +"My friends say. I’m the cheapest person they’ve ever met. But","I’m not buying it" +"What is Netflix and Chill in Japanese","Hentai with Senpai" +"Dad: Are you thinking of doing a PhD. Dad: Are you thinking of doing a PhD","Me: pffffffft Dad: oh is that how it's pronounced" +"What Did Mr. Cumberbatch Order For Breakfast","Eggs Me" +"What do you drink when you have a cold","Cough-ee" +"Ring ring. ring ring","Incontinence hotline, please hold" +"I earned a solid groan today I was doing a maternity shoot for a nice family expecting their second. The dad is a pharmacist","I told him that I was never very good at chemistry, but one time I read a book about helium and I could NOT put it down" +"My family tree is a cactus","Full of pricks" +"My sister: Why do cow have a lot of enemies","They always start beef" +"My son got me good today. Daddy, do you know why Abraham Lincoln was killed. No. Why","*expecting a history lesson* He didn't know someone was behind him" +"The fast-food chicken place down the block is having a Hillary Clinton special - 5-piece meal for $5","two small breasts, two large thighs, and a left wing" +"My wife just gave me a restraining order","Who knew there was an incorrect way to use a colander" +"My Friend Just Got Engaged My friend Kenny just got engaged, so I texted him to ask if she was taking his name. He said yes","I replied Won't that be weird having a husband and wife both named Kenny" +"So, I went on a date with this dolphin. We really hit it off. We talked for hours","We just clicked" +"If. I'm not carrying my pedometer","Do my steps still count?" +"A pedestrian gets hit by a vehicle. A pedestrian was hit by a vehicle while crossing the street","When asked if anyone saw anything, one man exclaimed I don't know what I saw but it wasn't a dodge" +"My friend is making a lot of easy money by photographing salmon dressed in human clothes","It’s like shooting fish in apparel" +"My friend got me a blindfold for my birthday","I can't see myself wearing it though" +"Where did the Indian butcher live","Cowcutta" +"How's that pirate song coming","Just working on the hook" +"How come Yellowstone causes asthma","It's breathtaking" +"Dad made a cheesy pun Was making some mac n cheese with my dad and while grating the cheese my dad belts out in a thick Scottish accent, This is going to be great. Never rolled my eyes so hard and he had the biggest dumb smile on his face","The mac and cheese did turn out pretty good though" +"Doctor. Doctor. I'm really concerned about this mole on my shoulder","Doctor: I'm a Dermatologist, not a veterinarian" +"Why was the tiger mad after the annual animal race","Because the winner was a cheetah" +"Scientists found a cat-like life form on Mars. They claimed they were excited, but then","Curiosity killed the cat" +"My dad was telling me about his new exercise regime Dad: I've been walking 2 miles a day","So in 7 weeks I'll be in Dublin" +"I just got a notification telling me that I needed to update my phone","So I told it that I recently lost my job and I'm seeing this new woman" +"Train. My father, sister, mother and I were riding in our family car when we drove up to a railroad crossing. It was one of those crossings without any lights or gates. My mother stops the car, looks both ways and starts driving over the tracks when my fathers yells TRAIN.","tracks" +"Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight. to fulfill my fantasy","&#x200B; &#x200B; that we have health insurance" +"I wasn’t sure how comfortable my new couch would be","But sofa so good" +"What has four wheels and flies","A garbage truck" +"My girlfriend and I were walking outside last night. After looking at the crescent moon she turned to me and said, I wonder if the moon is waxing or if it is waning. To which I responded, Waning","It's not even cwoudy" +"A guy came into my office today and showed me a picture of his pride and joy. [Here's the picture he showed me. ](http://i. imgur. com/wRVyauI","jpg)" +"I was at my local burger joint waiting for an order. when a girl walked up and asked for a cheeseburger. She paid with $8 cash as she said, Sorry it's wrinkled","That's OK, said the cashier, It won't be once I launder it" +"Why does a microwave hum","Because it doesn't know the words" +"How does virgin olive oil become extra virgin olive oil","After getting dating advice from a Redditor" +"I'm a kleptomaniac","I usually take something for it when things get really bad." +"If you weigh a whale at a whale weighing station, where do you weigh a pie","Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie" +"Does the name. Pavlov","Ring a bell?" +"I finally had to put my foot down with my wife","She told me to stop trying to be a flamingo" +"What did the Norse god say to his trainer after a tough workout","I'm Thor" +"I asked a hen the age old question what came first the chicken or the egg","Poor thing went through an eggsistential crisis" +"My wife keeps taking way too much time cleaning my ties","She needs a lesson in tie management" +"What do you call getting squeezed by two llamas","Getting llaminated" +"Dad comes home from the barber Me: Hey Dad, did you get a haircut","Dad: No, I got several of them cut" +"2 snowmen out in a field, one turns to the other and says","Can you smell carrots" +"Dolly Parton just bought 3 companies: Big Lots, Piggly Wiggly, and Harris Teeter","She's going to consolidate them into one company called Big Wiggly Teeters" +"Watching the Sunrise My family and I, being the son, are at the beach for vacation, and I told my parents that I was planning on getting up fairly early in the morning to see the sunrise. My mom replied that she has never been able to get up early enough to do so","My dad quickly retorted, Except when you wake up before *bananawaffleswag*" +"What do you call two relaxing vowels","U and i on vacation" +"Why did the magician wear a suit made of biscuits","So he could have a few Twix up his sleeve" +"This is gross","12 x 12" +"What is the difference between an ass kisser and brown noser","Depth perception" +"At the art museums today, looking at a Monet exhibit, my dad said these paintings are priceless","They must cost a lot of Monet" +"Hillary Clinton may become the first F president","Sorry, I meant female but the emale got deleted" +"I never knew how lightning worked","Thats until it finally struck me" +"If Jesus is God's son","If we say 'Oh my god', does he say 'Oh my dad'" +"I sent my dad a picture of my latest commission. He thinks he's *hilarious. * https://40. media. tumblr. com/ba1077dffd5348723c720fb03a9f6e24/tumblr_nkgtdqBkh71rhe477o2_400","jpg" +"Her: Did you know that a single dolphin can have up-to 2000 offspring. Me: Holy shit","What about the married ones" +"Did you hear about the man who robbed the pastry kitchen","I heard he was a real whisk-taker" +"I told one of my students I teach remotely that for their good work I would give them a cookie","I told them to go to my website" +"You hear about the Energizer Bunny","He was arrested for battery" +"My dad was making a fuss about a baby deer in our backyard","I told him to stop fawning over it." +"What does Lady Gaga call her grandfather. Papa","Paparazzi" +"Got a joke from my brother today. We were in the car and at a stop light. He starts pumping his breaks to the music and jerking us around. I turned to him to ask him what he was doing","He said 'break dancing' Can't wait to use that one" +"The ancient Romans only gathered once a week","That was enough forum" +"Why did the assless man go to the chiropractor","He wanted to get his butt cracked" +"I don't usually dress up as santa","But when i do i get all the ho" +"Things my Dad would always say: Dad: I'm sorry my child, the curse has passed from me to you. You're a lycanthrope. A lycanthropic deer","Me: I'm a what/ Dad: You're a were-doe" +"Did you know the first Mormon was actually Jamaican","He had one wife but he wanted more, mon" +"What do you guys call a very drunk woman","You call her an Uber, so she can make it home safely :)" +"I had to leave my job as a cul-de-sac designer","It was such a dead end job." +"My 5yr old has a stuffy nose. Brilliant dad joke delivery. How are you feeling. I feel like an old shoe What does THAT mean","I don't smell good" +"What's something you should never say to a blind girlfriend","I think we should see other people" +"Her: This has to stop. For starters, you have to cut down on your stupid jokes. Me: Sounds good","And for the main course" +"Did you hear about the two houses that fell in love","They were in a lawn-distance relationship" +"Egyptian Goddess My dad and I were watching a quiz show earlier today, and there was a question about the Ancient Egyptian cat-headed 'goddess of protection. ' I asked him if that's what they relied upon before contraception","He replied, 'Yes, prophylactcats" +"Who were the first people to get six packs","The Ab-originals" +"My gf today: Have you heard that song by One Direction called Stockholm Syndrome","Me: No but if you listen to it enough you start to like it" +"Joke from my Son. Where would you find meteors","&#x200B; On meaty boats" +"My wife asked me to sync her phone So I threw it in the ocean","don't know why she is so mad" +"Why can’t you have a nose that’s 12 inches long","because then it would be a foot" +"I was laying on the couch, and asked my wife. can you hand me my water, it's clear over there (pointing to my water glass on kitchen counter). My wife responded I'll get it for you, but it'll be clear over there too","Unfortunaly I was very confused when she started to laugh her ass off, then it hit me and we both had a good long laugh" +"Fungirl After I explained to my kids that fungi are more closely related to animals than plants, my daughter said “I don’t want to be a fungi","” I responded “That’s ok, because you’re a fungirl" +"My sister didn't believe that I could make a car out of spaghetti","You should have seen her face when I drove pasta" +"I'm tired of 1080p","Come January, I'm getting a 4K TV It will be a new year's resolution" +"What do you call a skinny axolotl","An axolittle" +"What do you call an alligator in a v-neck sweater","An inVESTagator" +"i went to the chiropractor with back pain, i didn't think it was that bad. he looked at me and said i have scoliosis, and he fixed me","i now stand corrected" +"Did you hear about the musician that died","He's started to decompose" +"My girlfriend was cooking while I was playing video games I asked her to run to the store for me, she glared and said I'm a little busy","To which I replied I don't know, looks like you have some thyme on your hands to me" +"Did I ever tell you about that time I ran away to join the circus","I tried out to be the human cannonball, but they couldn't handle a man of my caliber" +"If music be the food of love","Get Chopin" +"Yesterday. I got mugged by six dwarves","Not happy" +"My friend told me to stop imitating a flamingo","I had to put my foot down" +"A Man walks into a bar. with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name. ” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny","” “Because…He’s my newt" +"There was a one legged man at the ATM this morning","He was checking his balance" +"People say circumcision doesn't hurt, but i disagree","i was circumcised when i was born and i couldn't walk for over a year" +"Watching the news with my parents when this happened: Newscaster: . and in health news, a study showed that frequent orgasms help support immunity","Mom: Honey, that must be why you’re never sick (winks) Dad: Yeah, that’s because I’m self-medicated" +"When birds embarrass themselves","it’s very hawkward" +"I have been learning to play the guitar","It's plays an instrumental role in my recovery" +"There was this guy that heard a statistic about car crashes. It stated that 80% of car crashes happen within 2 miles of your house","He moved" +"Chewbacca’s in a better place now","In a galaxy far far away" +"My dad: If you're American when you go into the bathroom and you're American when you come out, what are you while you're in the bathroom","European" +"My printer is playing music","it be jammin'" +"A lumberjack walks into a magical forest. he comes across a talking tree. He gets out his axe and the tree exclaims Hey I'm a talking tree","The lumberjack replies, Yes, but you'll dialog" +"Nostalgia","It's not what it used to be" +"P water. P water. You will be mist","(Man, dad jokes really get me steamed" +"My son wants a video card for his computer for Christmas","Does Youtube sell gift cards" +"Girlfriend: How do you feel about getting married","Me: It has a nice ring to it" +"What's the opposite of a meme","A youyou" +"What do you call a fake noodle","An impasta" +"What do you call a Rube Goldberg Machine Fair","An unconventional invention convention" +"Someone stole my glasses. But. I’ll find him,","I’ve got contacts." +"If you're an American when you go into the bathroom If you're an American when you go into the bathroom, and you're an American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you when you're IN the bathroom. European. (My six year old told me this","Couldn't be more proud" +"You can't tell a pun to a kleptomaniac","they take them literally" +"Pun walks into a room and kills ten people","Pun in, ten dead" +"I will tell you what I know about dwarves","Very little" +"What do you call a rap song about climate change","An Al-Gore-Rhythm" +"Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and BOOM","&#x200B; The house is gone" +"I went to see Formula E racing the other day","The atmosphere was electric" +"I plan to open a 24 hour Chinese restaurant","I’m going to name it Wok Around the Clock" +"What do musicians use to play longer notes","An extension chord" +"I've had terrible experience when it comes to Scrabble on a boat","I never will conquer the seven Cs" +"Dad once heard of a band called 1023","MB Too bad it doesn't have any gigs yet" +"LPT: If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, quietly slip them under the refrigerator","Soon it will be water under the fridge" +"Did you know they don’t have any ducks in Portugal","Only Portu-geese" +"A panda walks into an ice cream parlor","asked what it wants, the panda replies Any bear-y flavor will do" +"Told my dad why I didn't get much sleep. Me: I couldn't get to sleep for ages because there was a beetle in my room that kept flying at me. Dad: Was it John, Paul, George or Ringo. Me: Oh jesus christ","Commence him laughing heartily" +"My wife and I work together. I thought I'd offer her a pre-shift quickie http://imgur","com/ProqLsw" +"My 4. 5 year old is on to me","comes up to me and says: “Hi, Dad, my name is Thirsty, can I please have a cup of water" +"I’ve told you a million times","I never exaggerate" +"Why did the person with high blood pressure sue the cook who put sodium in his food","It was a salt" +"What do you call a gangbang full of G's","An all G" +"One night. I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars and","I said to myself, “My roof has disappeared.”" +"What do you call a baby that goes back into its mother. A womberang. (I don't have kids, but boy am I ready for the jokes and the groans that accompany them","My kids will have groaning pains , if you will)" +"What is Fozzy Bear's favorite cheese","Oaxaca oaxaca oaxaca" +"How do surfers surf at night","So gnar bra" +"Fiance needed a facial before the wedding. Me: Do places like that need a license to operate. Her: Yeah, why","Me: So you'll be getting an o-facial facial" +"Which subreddit relies the most on good submissions","The BDSM subreddit" +"Girlfriend says she wants chickens soon Gf: And i know what i'm gonna call them Me: Oh","Gf: Sam & Ella" +"If I start to identify as an invisible man, does that make me a","trans-parent" +"A girl told me. I was a loser for reliving my childhood through. Pokemon. GO. I told her she needs to","HM01 that attitude out." +"Double Dad Joke at the Dinner table So I was having dinner with my Wife's family and her niece is telling us about a shark attack she heard about. Her, It bit off his arm and swam away. Her Dad, Well at least the guys 'armless now. Me, I just hope it was his left arm","Then he'd be all-right" +"I raised the alarm at work today","The midgets were furious" +"What do you call a pointless pachyderm","An irrelephant" +"What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school","Bison" +"Hey dad, there's an unpaid parking ticket next to you on the front seat","Dad: Fine by me" +"Hey dad. How big is the specific ocean. I don't know son","Can you be more pacific" +"Dad replied this to a cousin after watching an add with Stevie Wonder Cousin: man, I'd love to be able to see Stevie wonder live","Dad: I bet Stevie wonder would love to be able to see you also" +"There's been water on the basement stairs since it rained. Make sure you don't step in it. [Well played, pops. ](http://i. imgur. com/CYP7THo","jpg)" +"Google Allo can schedule you dad jokes daily. Google Allo comes with what they are calling Google Assistant. You can ask it to tell you jokes and so far they are all like dad jokes. What's more you can have it schedule a daily delivery at a certain time. For example here are some: > Why did the coffee taste like mud. >> Because it was ground just a couple of minutes ago ☕️ > How do you get over a fear of elevators",">> Just take some steps to avoid them" +"A family walks into a pizza place, and there's a deal -. Buy one pizza, get the second free -","The dad says - 'In that case, we'll just have the second pizza!'" +"Dad Jokes: Physics Addition Hey dad, we did this really cool lab in my physics class with Newtons Law Newtons law huh. What about Cole's Law. What. Don't you know what Cole's Law is. No, what. It's a side dish made with shredded cabbage Cole's Law. ColesLaw","Coleslaw" +"Why is Justice a cold word","Because if it was warm, it would be just water" +"I just saw. Les. Miserables in the theatre. Personally","I think the whole rebellion thing was staged" +"Did you hear about the woman that gave birth to twin watermelons","She called them the fruits of her labor" +"Why was the broom late for work","He over swept" +"When is a door no longer a door","When it's ajar" +"Dadjoked my wife this morning. She went out to the front yard and came back in after she picked up a few twigs to throw away. I asked her Is it sticky outside","Wife (not catching the joke) Not really too bad My daughter got it, though: Ugh, Dad" +"The man was born in 1939 after all. My dad cooked some eggs for breakfast. He then commented on how they are good for people to eat. My opinionated sister-in-law said, Yeah, and high in cholesterol","My dad responded, When I was growing up, we didn't have cholesterol" +"Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long","Because then it would be a foot" +"Two men are on opposite sides of a river. One man shouts two the other How do I get to the other side or the river","The other man shouts back You are on the other side" +"Got my brother while walking to the library My brother and I were walking to the library after I picked him up from school, and some bushes moved a little bit as we passed by them. Bro: Did you hear that. Me: Hear what","Bro: The rustle in the bushes Me: How did you know his name was Russell" +"Dad joked my employees Two of my employees were discussing the TV show Vikings. One told the other that Viking was originally a verb meaning raiding as in I'm going Viking. I said. That's just Swedish for I want to cycle","I'm going Viking" +"What do you call an upset fart","A moody tooty" +"A couple was having an argument about leaving some roof trusses exposed when they remodeled their house","They had some real truss issues" +"What did the 0 say to the 8","Nice belt" +"If you walk a mile in someone else’s shoes","You will be a master at shoe theft because the victim is both barefoot AND a mile away" +"Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says Hey","Do you know how to drive this thing" +"Dad joked the karate school. Instructor: We had to fire one of our karate instructors Me: Why don't you Hiya","a new one" +"You've really got to hand it to short people","Because they usually can't reach it anyway" +"My favourite hobby is shredding herbs","I have a grate thyme." +"Jewish dad joke. Two boys, named Avram and Herschel, were playing dreidel. Herschel had all his coins in the pot. Avram spins and when the dreidel lands he takes all the coins from the pot. Herschel says, Hey","And Avram says, No, Gimmel" +"I was at the supermarket I was buying some food when all of the sudden I hear: man I'm so good at carrying food, there's no one better than me, everyone else sucks","It was a grocery brag" +"What kind of insect is hard to understand. A Mumble-bee","I work in the Garden Center at a DIY store and this joke is the best I can come up with ATM lol" +"How does a backwards poet write","Inverse" +"Who is the coolest guy in the hospital","The ultra sound guy" +"If H2O is water, what is H2O4","Drinking" +"What is it called when Batman leaves church early","Christian Bale" +"I heard. Paul lost his eyesight in the. Bible. He never. Saul","Jesus coming" +"BNAG","That's bang out of order" +"This sub is a wreck https://imgur","com/gallery/QDXQo" +"I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery","I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road" +"I told my wife not to drop the lettuce, but she did anyway","Heads rolled" +"My dad called me and asked 'how are you son. ' Me: yeah, quite average. Dad: you are so mean","Did i say anything wrong" +"Shredded cheese was a great invention","People were really grateful" +"My Son spilled some pudding on his geometry homework the other day Son: Damn it, I just finished this too. Me: I guess you could say the proof is in the pudding","*Groans*" +"Dadjoked in bed. Laying in bed with my wife the morning after an anniversary date. Hunny, those mussels were SO good last night. Well yeah, I mean I'm not working out for no reason. Rolls eyes. Gets out of bed and makes coffee. Was not spoken of again","I regret nothing" +"Mexicans love mayonnaise In fact, back in 1912 the Titanic was loaded with 1000 cases of mayonnaise that were to be delivered to Mexico after the ship briefly stopped in New York. But as we all know, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. The Mexican people were so sad they created a special day to honor the event","Sinko de Mayo" +"Dad joked my optometrist","Her: Let me know if you notice any changes in floaters or flashes of light Me: I'll keep an eye on it" +"What’s a dog’s favourite pizza topping","Pupper-oni" +"All my friends won't believe me when I say to be careful near my dog","It really bites" +"What kind of drugs do ducks take","quack cocaine" +"Why can't bicycles stand on their own","They're two tired" +"How do you find Will Smith in the snow","You look for fresh prints" +"My dog only responds to commands spoken in Spanish","He’s Espanyol" +"Fun fact: You can carry i knife in an airport if it's under 6 cm","But most airports are bigger than that" +"The best way to get a job in the lotion industry","Is to apply daily" +"Dad: Would you like to hear a construction joke","Me: Yes Dad: Well I’m still working on it" +"I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away","That's probably going to come back to bite me later" +"Is it just me, or are tire prices","inflated" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When it's fully groan" +"Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon","Great food, no atmosphere" +"Having a home aquarium is a great way to feel better","It provides you with indoor fins" +"Did you hear about the guy who had the whole left side of his body cut off. Wait, actually, nevermind","He's all right" +"Just had my very own dad joke moment. First time. Bit of a dad joke newbie but I am picking it up quick; context is I am dating someone at the minute and we're discussing sunbeds when it hit me. Did you hear what happened to the potato who spent too long on the sunbed","I heard he got burnt to a crisp" +"Why did the chicken cross the road","(Punchline is different) different" +"I needed a password eight characters long so. I picked. Snow. White and the. Seven","Dwarfs." +"Why are fish easy to weigh","Because they have their own scales" +"My son wanted to see the orchestra. But. I said he couldn't because there was so much. SAX. AND","VIOLINS" +"I connected all my wristwatches to make a belt","It was a waist of time" +"I’m writing my thesis on. Mongolian literature. So far","I have a good list of prose and khans" +"My friend and I tag teamed this one. Friend: I gotta get up early, so, I'm gonna take a shower, and, then, hit the hay. Me: Hopefully, it doesn't hit you back","Friend: If it does, I'll beat that bitch until it bales" +"I just found out that my wife is a gold digger","So now we're celebrating her new career as an industrial miner" +"Last night, me and my friend watched all the. Harry. Potter movies back to back. Luckily. I was the one facing the","TV" +"My friend told me he was Jewish. I was like, “No way","” And he was like, “Yahweh" +"An old customer told me an older joke. Q: what do you call a cow with no legs","A: ground beef" +"What do you call a camel without humps","Humphrey" +"When I was little, we went to an outdoor lecture featuring the original cast of Star Trek. I was especially excited to see Bones. Unfortunately, we were seated toward the side of the amphitheater, where huge oaks had been planted to frame the stage","As a result, I couldn't see DeForest through the trees" +"Want to hear a joke about a germ. Nevermind","I don't want to spread it" +"Wife asked me if it was just her, or if the cat was getting fat","Apparently it is just you was not the correct response n" +"What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig","One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham" +"Where did the Swedish cross country race end","The Finnish line" +"Whats the difference between a prostate and a garden hose","I don't know, but I'm pretty sure there is a vas deferens" +"Girlfriend got me while making soup My girlfriend and I were making Panera soups from packages you can get at the grocery store. They have a plastic film over the top but no 'tab' to use to pull it off","I said, I really wish these would come with a peel tab so I didn't have to use a knife She said, Well, that's not very appeeling" +"My son just lost a tight race in his primary election after I was physically withheld and denied the right to vote. Sucks","He would have made a great second grade treasurer" +"What type of key is used to open bananas","A mon-key" +"after being around my dad for 13 years i finally came up with my first dad joke. what do you say to a potassium based fruit that keeps stealing stuff","Stop with your banana-gins" +"I once challenged an amputee to a swordfight","But he came unarmed :/" +"My job lets me dadjoke people from all over the world on a daily basis Every day, I see a **lot** of people from absolutely everywhere, and I enjoy getting to know them: > Me: Where are you from. > Guest: Mississippi. > Me: I'm sorry. > Guest: Mississippi. > Me: No, I heard you, I'm just sorry. - > Me: Did you take a plane. > Guest: Yes. > Me: Did you give it back. > Guest: No. > Me: Oh, make sure you give it back. If you don't, they com-plane","^^^^I ^^^^have ^^^^the ^^^^best ^^^^job ^^^^ever" +"My wife always records her haircut on her phone when she goes to the hairdressers","I think she watches the highlights later" +"Im reading a book about anti-gravity","I can't put it down" +"How do you make holy water. You boil the hell out of it. https://twitter","com/RiffsAndBeards/status/707962201387053060" +"I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm","You should see the cast" +"Today a co-worker asked me what he should get his friend for a house warming gift","I told him a furnace" +"Told my boss I would leave my job because they weren't giving me sufficient training. Well, you know where the door is, he said","&#x200B; I said, Actually no, I don't" +"Why do koalas not count as bears","They don't have the koalafications" +"Elon Musk opened a restaurant on the moon. I hear it's pretty good","Except it lacks atmosphere" +"Did you hear about the A who went to the bathroom and came out E","He had a vowel movement" +"My Algebra joke I popped in class today Me : Why do I need glasses to do math. Teacher: Why","Me: Because it helps with Division Whole Class: **Groan**" +"I have a date for Valentine's Day","February 14th" +"None of my cleaners got the stain out, so I gave up","My wife said I lacked Resolve" +"How do you organise a space-themed party","You planet" +"Your. IQ is like an asymptote","Infinitesimal" +"Dadjoked my friend today. He didn't get it. others grained and rolled eyes Talking to friend about work, and how he's having some issues. I ask what's wrong, and he starts to reply Him: Well. Me: That's a pretty deep subject","Shits and giggles from me" +"Why was the piano arrested","Because it got into treble" +"I'm wishing everyone a happy Father's Day","Hi Wishing-everyone-a-happy-Father's-Day, I'm Dad" +"My wife drops me off in front of a restaurant in our Land Rover. Another patron notices the car and says, “That must have been an expensive uber. ” To which I replied: “tell me about it","I’ve been with her for 20 years" +"Cabbie dadjoked me today Cabbie: Where are we going today. Me: Gonna go pick up my motorcycle. It's in storage. Cabbie: You must be really strong if you can pick up your motorcycle","Me: _He's gonna get a good tip_" +"Oh, this oughta be rich. *opens door* Hey Rich","Come on in" +"Remember when they used to have air at the gas station for free. Now it’s $1. 50 You know why","Inflation" +"What happened to the plant in our math class","It grew square roots" +"Where do salt lovers go to pray. [OC] The taberNaCl","(I would apologize, but this is /dadjokes) (X-posted to jokes" +"What are chocolate bars preferred pronouns","Her-she" +"He believed it for years. As a kid I loved to get the sunday comics from the paper and read Calvin and Hobbes. I loved it so much my parents would get me the compilation books as gifts for birthdays and christmas. I always thought it was funny when Calvin would ask his dad how x works. One day my son when he was about 6 years old asked my why some TV shows were in black and white. Inspired by this calvin and hobbes comic where Calvin's dad explains why photos are black and white. http://picayune. uclick. com/comics/ch/1993/ch930919. gif I decided to do the same thing to my kid. I told him that the world was black and white back then and that things didn't start to become in color for decades later. I got a good chuckle out of it, but because he was so young, I didn't realize that he actually believed it. I soon forgot that I told him the world was black and white. When he was about 11 or 12, one day I got a call from my wife and she asked me, Did you tell your son that the world used to be black and white. I start laughing immediately and said yes. How did you know. She said because your son is writing an essay about how the world used to be black and white for school and he asked me what year the world became color","He believed that for like 6 years" +"My Dad Sent Me This From Vacation http://imgur","com/gallery/dQvzCW4" +"A spider just crawled in to my keyboard","Don't worry though, it's under ctrl." +"I want to try extreme camping","I hear it's in tents." +"When I was hired, my company offered me a 401k. I didn’t sign up for it though","I’ve never run that far before" +"My parents say this sub will turn me into my father","My bio says otherwise" +"I walked into the bedroom today and tripped over my wife’s bra","It was a booby trap…" +"I'm more accepting of my cancer than. I used to be","It's growing on me." +"At work, my colleagues have given me the nickname Mr. Compromise","It wasn't my first choice, but I'm ok with it" +"[META] Is this the ultimate dad joke. A while ago, my daughter told me she was into fan fiction. I told her I used to be as well, but I changed to air conditioner fiction. because it was cooler. She was not amused. I have now created a subreddit called r/AirConditionerFiction If you have the time and the desire, drop by and leave a short work of fiction regarding air conditioning. If this is successful, I will give my daughter a link and wait to see her facial expression","I will also prepare for being put in a less-then-stellar retirement home" +"Dis you hear about the new hoover for space","They call it the vacuum cleaner" +"I know it's dumb but I just had to My son: Will you get me a Capri-sun","Me: If you get me a Capri-Dad" +"Who's bigger. Mr Bigger or Mr Bigger's baby. Mr. Bigger's baby","He's just a little bigger" +"I’ve never gone to a gun range before","I decided to give it a shot" +"The. Finland-Russia border. Should just be called the. Finnish","Line." +"Went to a wedding of two antennas recently","The ceremony was kind of boring but the reception was great." +"Why are the members of the Titanic survivors’ support group so close","Everyone was in same boat" +"What classic rock band do only white people like","The Police" +"What did the mama cow say to her calf","It's pasture bedtime" +"So I'm at a dinner party with my parents. and we were talking about someone's holiday in Dubai. My dad then came out with: Did you know that the people of Dubai don't like the Flintstones","but the people of Abu Dhabi Do" +"Did you hear about the guy that was opening his chamomile and got into an accident on the way to the dinosaur exhibit","I guess you could say that tea wrecks" +"How does a shark stay in shape","Jawsercise" +"I overdosed on. Viagra yesterday","It was the hardest day of my life" +"What the fuck happened to this sub. https://imgur","com/a/QvQ3a" +"APA referencing is so confusing","It doesn't make any sense et al" +"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom","Because the 'p' is silent" +"Did you mean to make that pun","Nope, unintended" +"Why are there fences around graveyards","Cause people are just dying to get in" +"So my brother and his Army buddy are visiting for the weekend We are out at a seafood restaurant and my dad mentioned that they serve alligator here. Well my brother's buddy then said a place where he's from has Alligator Bites. Without a beat I ask did they hurt","The next table over groaned" +"My ex and I had cute names for each other. He called me baby and I called him Richard","Because he was a dick" +"What do you call a teacher who doesn't fart in public","A private tutor" +"Immortality jokes","They never get old" +"My wife is addicted to bread dough","she really kneads it" +"Hidden Laundry I've got a bad habit of piling up shirts next to the bed. Well tonight I finally picked them up and took them to the laundry room and put them in an empty basket. I then went on about my merry way. A few minutes later my wife yell, Where did all these shirts come from. I yelled back, I don't know, probably Bangladesh","I could hear her eyes rolling as well as something about being a smart ass" +"My Grandad's favorite joke: I plan on living forever.","so far so good" +"I made a belt out of watches","It was a waist of time" +"My son hates negative numbers","He'll stop at nothing to avoid them" +"Why do Deloreans always have such low mileage","They’re only driven from from time to time" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When it becomes apparent" +"My dad got me good after my mom got out of surgery. My mom was in surgery about a half hour away, and my dad was with her. Once her surgery was over, my dad texted me and told me that she was alright. I said I was going to swing by to see her. He said the drugs were still hitting her pretty hard, and that no matter what she asked for, she was only allowed to have clear liquids. Naturally, I asked him if this means vodka is a go","His response: *Absolut*ly" +"What’s the difference between pornstars and texan drivers. Nothing","They both suck" +"I got an email from Google that said At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards . And so I thought","That's just spam" +"Strict bar A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer","Bartender says, 'Sorry we don't serve food here" +"What do you call a deer that can't see","No eye deer" +"Remember guys, the weather is hot outside so we shouldn’t be leaving our dogs in our cars","We don’t want hot dogs" +"The car dealership in my town just doubled its size","It can offer a whole lot more" +"r/im14andthisisdeep: r/dadjokes: hello 14, hello deep,","I'm dad" +"What is the coldest island","Brrrmuda" +"They just came out with a new model of jackhammer","It's groundbreaking" +"Knock knock. Who's there. Diana. Diana who","I'm Diana Meechoo" +"My wife only dated Catholic guys before she met me","Thankfully she found me to be a pope-less romantic" +"I was sitting in traffic the other day","That's probably why I got run over" +"What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership","A Sailsmen" +"Just got Dad joked at work So i work in this small bar and last night an older looking couple come over to my section","Man: do you sell tea here Me: Yes we do sir Man: I'll have a coffee then please the look his wife gave him was fantastic" +"What do you call a chicken doing math","&#x200B; A Mathemachicken" +"Just laid this one on my three year old http://imgur","com/wthwRkC" +"I saw an ad for burial plots and thought to myself. That's the last thing","I need." +"Why did the cheese get out early","Gouda behavior" +"Have you heard about the guy who speaks three tongues","He talks like this like this like this" +"If. I disappeared into the fog tomorrow, would","I be mist?" +"My fiancée just asked me if I thought she was human. I told her no I think you are a dolphin","Because you have a porpoise in life" +"I love the metric system. It is better than all other systems by 1","6 kilometres" +"What kind of fish is made of only two Sodium atoms","2 Na" +"My BF's dad on the Lego Movie","He said I heard it's a real blockbuster" +"Why did the chicken cross the road","Social distancing" +"What does a clock do when it's hungry","It goes back four seconds" +"Two birds run into a bank. Bird 1: what are we doing. Bird 2: we robin","Ik delivery couldve been better but leave me be best my hungover ass can do rn" +"How do dogs party","They raise the woof" +"Pulled a full ice tray out of the freezer. cracked it and sent ice cubes flying everywhere","This is why we can't have ice things" +"Doc, all my 5 kids want to be valets when they grow up. Doctor: Wow","That's the worst case of parking son's disease I've ever seen" +"What would you say if you had 2 friends named Meat and you were introducing them to each other. Meat meet Meat","Meat meet Meat" +"My son got me tonight. After folding clothes I told him to put his pillowcase on his pillow. Found this 15 minutes later. https://imgur","com/gallery/KIraN" +"Why would you dislike absolute numbers","There's nothing negative about them" +"Have you heard about the cow with seven nipples","She lactate" +"How did the cannibal plead guilty","Well, if you are what you eat, then I'm an innocent man" +"Owning horses is a really expensive hobby","It requires a stable income" +"A fly lost both his wings","Now, he is just a walk." +"Overheard an old man say this to a cashier I was at an Amish buffet this summer and I was getting ready to pay up at the register when I heard this man say: Man - Do you take credit cards here. Cashier - We do Man - Do you give them back","" +"It's not easy being a pharmacist","Sometimes I feel like I'm just going through the motrins" +"What did fridge say when asked 'any hot drinks","'No, I'm cool" +"What did one ocean say to the other ocean","Nothing they just waved" +"What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft","A flat miner" +"What do you call a gun that doesn’t kill anything","A vegun" +"I just flew in from a","Transformers convention and boy are my arms tires!" +"What do you call a person who dislikes people without toes","Lack-toes intolerant" +"A wife kept over-feeding her husband. One day, after some extreme over-feeding, the man looked his wife in the eyes and said:. This has to stop","I'm fed up" +"Saw a high speed car chase on. TV","It wasn't braking news" +"My three year old saw a ghost and hid somewhere in our house. I told my wife 'we have a small medium at large'. We found her talking to an empty doorway. She was asking questions and acting as if she was getting answers","My wife is impressed by how well composed my daughter was acting and said 'that's a well done medium, rare'" +"My wife just told me the dishwasher is dirty. But then","I reminded her that she just got out of the shower" +"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy","I don't know and I don't care" +"I heard my wife's eyes roll through text. Wife: Stopping at the bar for a drink after work. Me: Would you bring some whiskey home","Wife: 10-4 Me: = 6" +"What did the nut say chasing another nut","I'm gonna cashew" +"What do you call a salamander with no gender","A newt-er" +"What is the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed clown on a tricycle","Attire" +"A new study finds fish are increasingly weight conscious","Scientists hypothesize this is because they're always surrounded by scales" +"I'm looking to sell my Delorean. Good shape, low mileage","Only driven from time to time" +"Never marry a tennis umpire","To them, love is nothing." +"If we have 707, 808 and 909 drum kits,. I invented a new drum kit that all involves tin cans and will call it","A tintin kit" +"What did the zero say to the eight","Nice belt" +"I'm a ramp guy at an airport. but I'm still sitting on Luxury out in the rain towing these planes. https://imgur","com/a/xxh6y" +"Finally had the chance to use my favourite dad joke; got the ideal reaction http://i. imgur. com/RsVJIte","png" +"I just failed my final exam to become an elevator mechanic","I was wrong on so many levels." +"My wife just told me she needed some time and distance","I think she wants to calculate velocity" +"Dad agitated my sister while she was having a tantrum. Sister: I'm ANNOYED. Dad: Good","We need more noids" +"Why was the dinosaur hesitant to start another relationship","Because he always Rex them" +"I store all my dad jokes","in my dad-abase" +"Dad joke gone bad. So I tried to use a dad joke on my mom. And it didn't go so well. She told me to do the dishes, I said ok and seeing as I'm in the middle of reading a dad joke, I said just a moment. So she just replied seriously","What said was seriously I'm high what I wanted to say to her was hi I'm seriously" +"Prom night Tom was going to prom with his girlfriend this evening, so he decided that he was going to make it special for both of them. First, he got flowers, but there was a long flower line. But after half an hour he got some roses. Next up: a nice car. Tom wanted to impress his girlfriend when he would pick her up. He went to the local car renting place. But there was a long car line there. After another hour and a half, he finally got a nice car. Tom also needed a suit. But when he arrived, he saw there was a long suit line. After an hour, he finally had his suit and was ready to go. He picked up his girlfriend and as Tom and his girlfriend walked in, Tom wanted to get punch for both of them. When he arrived at the punch table","There was no punch line" +"What do Russians say to people who eat too many beans","Are you done Putin" +"Have you ever had Kangaroo meat","I have, it's good but it makes me a little jumpy" +"I was once a trusted member of a totally secret cooking society. But they kicked me out","for spilling the beans" +"Mayflies are so hedonistic. They. Live. Each. Day. As. If. It. Was. Their","Last!" +"What do you call a crumpled up page of a book on the ground","litter ature" +"What do you call a horny square","An erectangle" +"I boarded a ship with a bunch of pirates who wouldn’t let me see anything","Turns out it was a censorship" +"I was looking into my neighbor's yard when my brain started channeling Rick Springfield. Jessie is a friend, Yeah, I know he's been a good friend of mine But lately something's changed It ain't hard to define Jessie's got himself a grill and I want to make it mine And he's grilling chicken thighs, And he's smokin' racks of ribs, I just know it. And he's holding pool parties late, late at night. You know I wish that I had Jessie's grill. I wish that I had Jessie's grill","Where can I find a burger like that" +"Can I take a shower. Me: Hey dad you mind if I take a shower. dad: I don't mind but I'm not sure how many I got left me: what","dad: you keep taking them" +"I went to the fridge to make a salad","i was looking for the lettuce but there was none romaining" +"Asked somebody today how they slept","They responded, Lying down" +"Two space cadets got tangled up during a space walk","They both made astro knot" +"My kids asked me why, even though I've gone bald, I still keep the same comb I've had for 20 years","I answered, It's because I just can't part with it" +"You are stuck in a cement room with only a table and a chainsaw, how do you get out","You cut the table in half, because two halves make a hole" +"Dad joked my D&D group. My character noticed someone (an enemy) hiding in some shrubs near the road","I exclaimed, That's no normal bush, that's an AM-bush" +"I can't remember how to write 1,1000, 51, 6 and 500 in. Roman numerals. IM","LIVID" +"If you see a robbery at an Apple Store","does that make you an iWitness" +"Today someone was killed with a starter pistol","[X-post from /r/Jokes] Police think it might be race related" +"What do you get when you put 50 deer and 50 female pigs in a pen together","A hundred sows and bucks" +"Do you know why paper is tearable","Cause it was made in China" +"How do you catch a unique rabbit. Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit","Tame way, unique up on it" +"I usually keep coins in my wallet. Sometimes","I put it in my pocket to change things up" +"I would have never thought my wife will get into Feng Shui","But boy, how the tables have turned" +"What does an angel use to light his cigarette. >. A match made in heaven . < What kind of cigarettes does he have. >. Holy Smokes","<" +"If Mark wants his dog, Lark, to Bark he says Bark Lark. Then if Lark wants Mark to Bark he says","BARK BARK" +"On a report card, what grades turn you into a pirate","Seven C’s" +"What did Einstein drink as a baby","Formula" +"I'm going to name my dog. Peeve. So that. I can introduce it as my pet,","Peeve" +"The sounds of my grandpa’s clock are so annoying","It’s ticking me off." +"What did the green grape say to the purple grape. Breath man","Breath" +"What do you call a former trophy wife","Atrophy wife" +"A passenger, in panic, asked if the airplane was going the right way. To which","Yoda responded, “off course, we are.”" +"Have I told you about the time I choked at an Indian restaurant. It was a paneer-death experience. I suppose I had it coming, though","Korma's a bitch" +"I’m proud of my son,. I never thought he’d go so far","The catapult worked well" +"My girlfriend was infatuated with roofing equipment so I gave her an ultimatum: it's either me or the equipment","She chose the ladder" +"Today. I wanted to buy some camouflage pants. But","I couldn’t see any." +"A man walks into a hospital, he says to the receptionist, “I have an appointment at 1:30. ” She replies, “Which doctor","The man says “no thanks, just a regular doctor please”" +"Who's Dick Hertz. My dad told me that back in his highschool days (1934), they would write Dick Hertz on the class sign-in sheet whenever they had a substitute teacher. Then when the sub read off the names on the list to find out who was who, no one would answer when the sub read that name, and so the sub would say Who's Dick Hertz","And of course, the class would crack up" +"Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France","There was nothing left but de Brie" +"I do live food prep and cooking at work, and a customer laid this one on the waitress. She said, Sir, would you like me to box the rest of your meal for you. Why, yes you can box it","Personally, I've always enjoyed wrestling more" +"I told my daughter she was named after Thomas Jefferson. She said Dad. my name is Scarlett. Yeah, I know","But you were named *after* Thomas Jefferson" +"Tried to catch some fog wuth my bare hands","Completely mist." +"My wife was asking where the baking sheet for pizzas was","I responded, Well, if it's a pizza sheet, then throw it away" +"What did pharaohs use to wipe","Poo-pyrus" +"I made out with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on","I said, Nah, you're just pulling my leg" +"What’s vegetarian BBQ party like","They just smoke weed" +"What does a CIA agent do when he sleeps","He goes undercover" +"“Officer, are you crying while you are writing me a ticket. ” Cop: It’s a","moving violation" +"After having an allergic reaction to poison ivy I decided not to get it treated","man have I made a rash decision" +"Dad had me dying 3 years ago https://i. imgur. com/cwXKD","jpg" +"If two vegans fight","Is it still considered beef?" +"I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon today","I wonder which will come first" +"Why did the vampire subscribe to the new york times. He heard it had great circulation. Btw can we start a trend of holloween dad jokes for the coming month","Plus I'd love to hear some pumpkin puns" +"What do you call a big cat with skin problems","A danderlion" +"What do you call a lizard family that doesn’t get along","A-Reptile Dysfunction" +"Dad joked by the six year old. 6yo,”What’s brown and sticky. ” Me,”A stick” 6yo,”No","Maple syrup" +"what do you call a fish with no eyes","a fsh" +"What do you call a room full of dolphins","A multi-porpoise room 🐬" +"How many dead people do you think are buried in that cemetery","All of them" +"I found out how to make holy water","You boil the hell out of it" +"What kind of jokes would a depressed elf tell","Elf-deprecating" +"Why did the shoe go to hell","He lost his sole" +"I have two brothers that live here and I do have one sister as well","she’s abroad" +"What's the best way to cut down a tree","It depends on who's axing" +"Cheesy jokes","Are grate." +"For our upcoming roadtrip, my wife said she would drive us for as long as she could stand","I told her to be sure to wear comfortable shoes" +"I have kleptomania, but when when it gets bad","I take something for it" +"I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday","Apparently you're not supposed to nudge your co worker and say 'get a load of this guy' every time someone walks in" +"God appears before Moses and tells him he's going to lead His people into the promise land. Moses says, NO WAY","But God said, YAHWEH" +"My niece is going to Ghana for doctors without borders","I bet she is Ghana have African good time" +"My girlfriend said she was going to leave me because of my love for. Africa jokes. I told her, Uganda be kidding -","Kenya be serious?!" +"did you hear about the guy who invented knock knock jokes","he won the no-bell prize" +"My dad was way too proud of this one So my dad and I went to a baseball game and during the game he turns and asks, Son, how many people do you think can fit in this stadium. When I began to think about it, he gave me this look and then cheekily says, I just want a ballpark estimate","He thinks this is his magnum opus dad joke" +"When I told my dad I saved one of my students today who was choking","He said, What do you want, a pat on the back" +"My girlfriend just asked me what state was below Tennessee","Nine-esse" +"Did you hear about the farmer who was found dead in his chicken coop","Police suspect fowl play" +"When Jay-Z got engaged to his wife, what did he call her","His feyonce" +"Picked up a mild case of athlete's foot But I treated it before it got a toe hold","Wife's eyes almost rolled over completely when I laid that one on her" +"Why do they put bar codes on navy ships in Norway","So they can scan-da-navy-in when they return from war" +"Driving by a cemetery. Dad: how many people do you think are buried there","Me: idk Dad:all of them" +"What was. Forrest","Gump's password 1forrest1" +"What kind of personality does a gluestick have","Stuck up" +"I just threw my father's ashes in the garbage","I wish he'd stop smoking or empty the tray himself" +"Me: You really need to watch “A series of unfortunate events. ” Her: Ok","Let me take out the wedding video" +"Chinese Food joke After my dog ate a piece of my sister's fortune cookie, she said Dad, are fortune cookies bad for dogs","Dad: I don't know, depends on the fortune" +"A husband angered his wife and was forced to sleep on the sofa instead of on the bed with her The next day his friend asked how their relationship was going. The husband replied sofa so good. My dad told this with his coworkers yesturday when I was present","I've never been more in denial of who my father was" +"My middle name is Stevenson because my dads name is Steven and I’m his son","So I guess you could say dad jokes are my middle name" +"Where did the Indian goverment store their explosives","In Bomb-bay" +"Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide","The I" +"I'll remember to check it out, dad So my dad texted me with some movie recomendations Dad: have you seen Momento. It's about a guy who loses his short term memory Me: Sounds familiar but I'll check it out. Is it on Netflix. Dad: Yeah. it's a thriller where the story goes backwards Five minutes later. Dad: Have I told you about the movie where a guy loses his short term memory","God dammit dad" +"so a dyslexic robber bursts in to a bank and shouts all right you mother stickers this is a fuck up","edit: my dad tells this joke when ever he can" +"Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom","The P is silent" +"I had an appointment with two physicians. They told me, “the more pain you experience, the better you will feel","” What a strange pair-a-docs" +"I just got a dadjoke from my childhood. I was in my single digits, and my dad was taking me for a walk through a frozen park during winter. I kept stepping on top of frozen puddles trying to crack the ice underneath me","Since I was making my pants all wet, after a while my dad started to get really frustrated, and he said You're on thin ice" +"Knock Knock. Who's there. Dishes Dishes who","Dishes a bad joke" +"In preparation for my child on the way My fiancee and I were eating dinner at IHOP and she made a comment about getting full. I told her there was no need to stuff herself just because she is pregnant. She said, No. I think I can finish my plate and I'll be fine. I responded with, Sweetheart, I don't recommend eating plates they aren't good for the baby. Her eyes rolled so hard I thought for sure they'd fall out","Needless to say I can't wait to be a father" +"What do you call a dad trapped in a mom's body","Trans-parent" +"So I was watching tv with my sister This guy gets stabbed in the back with a pickaxe Me: Well I guess he was picked off Her: Oh god","Just shut up Think I got her" +"What's wrong with peeing outside","Urine public" +"My dad got me. Context: my dad had been relying on a cane after injuring his back, and it had been making his arm tired. Dad: You know, my arm *still* isn't right. Me: Oh. Dad: Because it's left","But seriously, it still hurts" +"Is Morgan available","Yeah,he is a Freeman" +"Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock","Because it's a little meteor" +"Why are Irish people so rich","Because their capital is Dublin" +"My Grandfather told my Father this when he asked for good compliments to give to women","You don't sweat much for a fat girl" +"Why does a heron sleep with one leg in the air","Because if it would lift the other leg it would fall" +"My son was blind since birth so I opted to get him robotic eye replacements","Now he's computer-eyes'd" +"My Dad caught me off guard yesterday Yesterday I was trying to explain the birthday paradox to my dad, which states that in a group of 23 people, there's a 50% chance of two of them having the same birthday. Me: the reason why two people probably have the same birthday is really complicated math. Dad: I already know why. Me: oh. Why","Dad: because they were born on the same day" +"Isn't it gay to become a skeleton","I mean, you're literally getting boned" +"Just had my daughter","This sub is going to be her life" +"A string walks into a bar. The bartender says, We don't your kind in here. Huh. asks the string. I said we don't serve strings in here. The string walks back outside. Thinking quickly, he ties himself in a knot, messes up his hair a bit, and walks back into the bar. Hey, says the bartender, Aren't you that string I just kicked out of here","No sir, I'm a frayed knot" +"My son's math teacher called him an average student","I told him That's awfully mean" +"What was the secret to the miner's success","His use of ground breaking technology" +"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is","No sun" +"Why didnt the pharaos of old tell dadjokes","They were all mommyfied" +"Everyone knows where the. Big. Apple is. But nobody knows where","Minneapolis" +"What political party does Matthew McConaughey belong to","Alt-Right, Alt-Right, Alt-Right" +"My wife and daughter don't think I'm funny. Daughter: What kind of cupcake is this. Me: Nacho All I got were eye rolls",":/" +"People in. Dubai don’t watch. The. Flintstones. But people in. Abu","Dhabi do" +"My dads puts a pot on his head","You'd think this would be a pot head joke but no,he just likes the way it feels." +"How many times does my exaggeration club meet in a week","About a million" +"Have you ever smelled moth balls","I can't get their tiny legs spread apart far enough" +"What do you call an intelligent military machine","A Think Tank" +"Girlfriend got me the other day. NSFW Was walking around the mall with my girlfriend and noticed a guy wearing a jacket from the local Strip Club, but I noticed there was a logo for a bar below its logo. Me: I didn't know there was a bar inside there","GF: Not sure, maybe they're two different en-titties" +"My sociology teacher is full of dad-jokes Yesterday we were talking about sexual liaisons and to put it modernly he said, . well Tinder for example","Of course i'm too old now so I prefer the softer version: *Tender* Cue collective groan" +"However kind you think you are","German children are kinder." +"This wasn't even intentional Me and my friends are sitting around the TV and listening listening to you get what you give by the Maine. My one friend points to me and my other buddy, jim, and asks didn't U2 do a cover of this","To which I reply no I've never sang with Jim" +"What happens to a bear when it's dark","He can bearly see" +"And the winner of the best neck wear award goes to","Wait, wait it's a tie" +"Got my dad and the cashier. So we were at a certain popular buffet chain, and when my dad 54-year-old with a long white beard went up to pay, the Spanish cashier asked if he was eligible for the senior discount, for ages 65+. He strokes his beard and says Nope, I'm not quite there yet. I was standing behind him waiting to go eat, and I said Well maybe you should try talking Spanish. Then you will be a señor. She gave us the discount, everybody around us cracked up laughing, applause was had, and the Albert Einstein behind us gave me $100. (Seriously though, they both laughed, she gave us the $0","59 discount, and Dad tells this story every chance he gets" +"Why was the man smiling after the farmer gave him a chicken","because he was pheasantly supplied" +"Is “buttcheeks” one word","Or should I spread them apart" +"How much does Jesus weigh","I don't know, it's Christ's mass" +"I want to make a milk factory and name the company Legend","It'll be Legend-Dairy" +"What happened to the man with two wooden legs who caught on fire","Burnt his ass to the ground" +"What do Amtrack conductors have to do before they can work on the job","Train" +"What has aye's and nay's","A horse" +"After arriving 1 hour late to picking my wife from work for the third time this week she said “I’ve had it, I’ve lost all of my patients. ” And I said “you know what","Maybe you should be a better doctor”" +"What's the best way to carve wood","Whittle by whittle" +"My girlfriend told me to heat up the chilli in the fridge for dinner. I asked if I wasn't better off heating up the chilli in the microwave","No response" +"Why was the potato chip working really hard","Because it was crunch time" +"Why do plants hate math","It gives them square roots" +"An angel walks into a hardware store and says I'd like to buy a Christmas tree. The cashier asks are you putting it up yourself","The angel replies yes" +"My daughter looked up a definition in her Random House dictionary. I said. Have you tried the Alphabetical Order House dictionary","It's way easier to find stuff" +"Why was the man following behind the grocery shopper","He was a certified stocker" +"One of my friends told me a real cheesy pun","But it was a mold joke" +"I think my dad might be working for Subway now. http://i. imgur. com/M23ihjK","jpg" +"I told my dad I was allergic to his new cat","He said Don't be rash" +"What happened when the cannibal showed up late to the cannibal dinner party","They gave him the cold shoulder" +"If 2 stoners do something together, it should be called a joint effort","I originally posted on /r/Showerthoughts" +"Does anyone need to go before we leave","Speak now, or forever hold your pees" +"Trump's latest rant: STOP CALLING ME ORANGE","IMPEACH" +"Just as we started leaving the center of the. Arctic","Everything started going south." +"DADJOKED BY TONY STARK http://imgur","com/sVGlryi" +"Anyone hear about the man who stolen a calendar","He got 12 months" +"I was in a bazaar in Cairo buying bread for my family. After much debate with the merchant I ended up paying $5 for a loaf. I couldn't believe it","Egypt me" +"What's orange and sounds like a parrot","A carrot" +"How do you catch a unique bird. Easy. Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame bird","Tame way, unique up on it" +"In honor of my late father. who passed away this month in 2004, I'd like to repeat something he's said to me often throughout his years. Dad: Hey Son Me: Yeah Dad. Dad: See that place over there. *points to cemetery* Me: Yeah. What about it","Dad: People are just dying to get in there" +"Younger brother is playing Call of Duty. I walk into the room and my Dad says, There's an Alzheimer's patient in his game","His name is Charlie, and he keeps getting lost" +"How do you reduce your butter intake","Marginally" +"What do you call someone from Spain who lives near the Portuguese border","Span-ish" +"I was going to build a machine that minted quarters but. I decided not to","It just didn't make cents." +"It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong","But it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut" +"It's not easy raising origami horses. You've got to know when to hold them","AND when to fold them." +"A blind man walks into a Bar. and a chair . and a table","dude he was blind" +"To be. Frank","You'd have to change your name." +"How many explosives can you see","I C4" +"why is everyone in there 30-40's a knight","because they're in their ***Middle Ages***" +"Energizer Bunny was arrested","He was charged with battery" +"Doctor: I'm afraid your DNA is backwards, sir","Me: AND" +"Hey, thanks. (Non-joke) I've got a kid who's dealing with a pretty heavy anxiety disorder and mornings are particularly rough on him. Horrible jokes help distract him until everything kicks in, so I've been leaning on this sub. It's good to see him laugh and groan at the breakfast table and all of you monsters make that possible. So, yeah","From one dad to others (actual or honorary,) thanks for the assist" +"An email exchange with my Dad after a trip to the ER. **Me to Dad**: Hey Dad. How's it going. I'm waiting for stitches. This seriously happens annually. I should buy a suture kit. **Dad to me**: Crazy glue works as a surgical glue for some smaller injuries, hurts less than a suture needle, but hey","suture-self" +"Anyone heard about the movie Constipation","It’s not out yet" +"What do you call a man with a rubber toe","Roberto" +"I hate jokes about. German. Sausages","They're the wurst" +"What do you call a Disney movie starring a DJ","Beauty and the Beats" +"My dad texted me this while I was at the emergency room after chopping the tip off of my finger. I had cooked smoked sauasge and was chopping jalapeños and cut the tip off my finger. He texted me while at the emergency room commenting on the sausages: The sausages are really good but there is something different about them and I can't quite put my finger on it He followed up with this when my girlfriend and I returned from the hospital: Elizabeth are you hungry","We have some finger sandwiches if you are" +"Not all Math puns are awful","Just sum" +"Me- Are you going to buy some land. Gf's dad: No, no. A lot. Me- YOU'RE GOING TO BUY A LOT OF LAND","I crack myself up" +"Saw an amputee in the gym today","I couldn't help but think I wonder if he skips on leg day" +"What did the 0 say to the 8","Nice belt" +"Heroin use amongst farmers is high","but finding proof is like looking for a needle in a haystack" +"(Monday:. Greg) (Tuesday:. Ian) (Wednesday:. Greg) (Thursday:. Ian) (Friday:. Greg) (Saturday:. Ian) (Sunday:. Greg). Its the","Gregorian calendar" +"What kind of bee can you milk","A boobie" +"What's a pirate's greatest fear on the first date","A sunken chest with no booty" +"How did 8 kill 18","8/8/18" +"Why do we spell dark with a k and not a c","Because you can't c in the dark" +"Wife: I’m pregnant Me: Hi pregnant, I’m dad","Wife: No you’re not" +"When my old man ordered wings. dad: I want 10 buffalo wings. Waiter: You want dry rub. dad: Sure","Can I eat first" +"From my language teacher. Remember that language is about interpreting. Nothing is set in stone","unless you're interpreting petroglyphs" +"Dad joked a salesman at school When I was walking to class today, a guy was trying to get people to sign up for a UFC gym. He asked me if I wanted to join, and I said no thank you. He said, you don't want to learn the old 1, 2. My instinctual paternal reflex replied, that's one too many for me","I don't think he wants me in his gym anymore" +"I had to take a cat to animal control today","I literally took the pussy to pound town" +"Had to put my dog down","Tired of carrying his lazy ass around." +"I was watching John Wick with my girlfriend last night. She had seen it before and I was a bit confused. Is Willem Dafoe in this movie","Or is he Da-friend" +"If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you","French bread (bred)" +"What did the elephant do when he got a rash","He went to the pachyderm-atologist" +"Got my girlfriend with this one. So my girlfriend calls me and asks if I can bring her some of my tide detergent pods because she is out of detergent. So I go over to her dorm and I brought a few extra and as I give them to her I say here are a few extra to *tide* you over until you get more detergent","And she rolled her eyes and told me to get out but it was worth it" +"Friend pulled a nice one. My friend left to get something, and said watch the door","Other friend replies is it going anywhere?" +"Friend got me in genetics We were talking about goat alleles and my friend started laughing. I asked why are you laughing","And she said: there homozygoats" +"my whole office groaned at me. it was glorious. so the events manager was coordinating with the head chef at my job (i work at a hotel). they were discussing the three types of fish they currently had in stock and people's receptions. the general consensus regarding the first was positive. they moved on to the second which also received rave reviews. they left out discussion of the third. from my chair about 20 yards away i proclaim; i guess the third is a whole other fish to fry. audible groan from everyone in the office. success","my dad would be proud" +"If the teenage mutant ninja turtles were actually animals on an African safari. I'd call them Lionardo, Donatelephant, Giraphael, and Michaelantelope.","I really shouldn't be allowed to post ever again" +"What smells better than it tastes","A nose" +"A buddy of mine doesn't like to shoot whiskey","So I gave the baby a straw and told him to suck it up" +"What do you call a girl who refuses to pay her bills. Burnadebt (Just thought of this and I gotta admit","I'm a little bit proud of myself" +"What kind of crimes do owls commit","Mass hootings" +"Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish","The results speak for themselves" +"The wife did a good one. Son asked how to spell Chocolate Rain because he heard he should watch it on YouTube. Wife is not internet savvy and has never heard of it. I have to explain the meme, write it down so kid can google it","Couple of minutes later, Wife says I really thought that googling 'Chocolate Rain' could make for a real shitstorm" +"How do you humiliate a reality t. star","No one knows" +"Why was the robot angry","Somebody kept pushing his buttons" +"Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree hasn’t been the worst thing that happened to me today","But it’s definitely up there" +"I met a butcher once","He made some funny dad jokes; they were pretty cleaver" +"What do you call an American bee","a USB" +"On a rainy day my dad told me my car was getting wet I quickly ran outside to find my car windows were closed","He told me it was getting 'wet on the outside'" +"My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania","Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror" +"What kind of bagel has wings","A plain bagel" +"What's worse than raining cats and dogs","Hailing taxis" +"If I had a nickel for every bread pun out there","Then I’d have a punpernickel" +"Why did the doctor start yelling at his scheduling staff","He was out of patience" +"What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology","Answers on a postcard please" +"Why dont you ever fight a dinosaur","You'll get jurasskicked" +"What do you call a hooker that won't stop farting","A prosti-toot" +"On his presidential candidacy","Joe is just Biden his time before he announces he's running for president" +"Today I was visiting Barcelona with my parents when this happened","Mom: I think we are lost Dad: No, I know exactly where we are, we are in Barcelona" +"Don't kiss anyone today","It's only the first date!" +"My friend really should do something about his athlete’s foot","But that’s what makes him such a fun guy" +"Wan(Na) Hear a Salt Joke","Me, talking about these premade breakfast sandwhiches I just ate: I think i just ate 2 days worth of salt Gf: but it was worth it because they were *So Dium* good" +"I saw a car on the side of the road and said that car is dead","I could see it's tow tag" +"My wife told me nice butt as I walked past","I replied yeah but his neighbor is kind of a dick" +"Doctor: Sir, I am sorry to say that you have onomatopoeia. Patient: What is it, doc","Doctor: It’s exactly what it sounds like" +"What’s the difference between a jeweler and a jailer","One sells watches and the other watches cells" +"What’s a musician’s favorite lunchmeat","Sol-La-Mi" +"When is a door not a door","When its ajar" +"So I walked into a pub last night. And as I walked in I noticed a long queue to the back door, and heard a lot of shouting. I walk up to the bartender and ask him, Whaddya got going on back there. Some kind of fight club","And he said yeah, and that's the punch line" +"I got dadjoked in my dream last night Had a dream where for some reason I dug up a fish from my front yard that was kind of weird looking but alive I went to the sink and washed all the dirt off while explaining to my mom what happened. All I hear from the other room is my dad yelling what is it, a landshark","I woke myself up from laughter" +"Look son. A flock of cows. Herd of cows dad. Course I have herd of them","There's a flock of them right over there" +"I have something difficult to say, but i feel the need to share. Aluminimum. Alinumum. Alinimum. Aluminium","There, thanks for listening" +"What did the Italian say to his brother after he got mad at him","Your a pizza shit Mario" +"The cops in my town are looking for a thief who has been stealing futons from different stores","I think he is lying low" +"Would you like to hear a construction joke","Well, I’m still working on it" +"The very first dad joke My wife and I have been trying to get pregnant for a couple months. I got a text this afternoon. Wife: Hey, so, I think I'm late. Me: Hi late, I think I'm dad. (Sorry if others have posted this same joke","But I'm excited and crossing my fingers this was my first pre-dad joke" +"After the. AA meeting, the ghost finally admitted it","He has a boos problem" +"Why can't your nose be 12 inches. Because then it would be a foot","(Credit - The Last of Us)" +"I had an interview at a scissor factory today. Unfortunately","I didn’t make the cut" +"What did the perverted frog say","Rub it, Rub it" +"What does Thanos eat in the mornings","A perfectly balanced breakfast, as all meals should be" +"[NSFW] (rude) Why do all the ladies love Jesus","**spreads arms wide** Because he was hung like THIS" +"What did the funeral director say when he got into the the office","Mourning" +"Have you heard about the Magic Tractor. It turned into a field","An english dad i met on Sardinia just told me that one" +"A little kid is scared of using a computer for the first time. The computer says “Don’t worry kid,","I don’t byte.”" +"This is your captain speaking,. AND. THIS. IS. YOUR. CAPTAIN","SHOUTING." +"What do you say to a broken weedwacker","You're outta line" +"Does it count if my mom said it. Mom: Did you know that when your aunt was 20 she crashed into a bus. Me: Really. Mom: Yeah","It was big and yellow, you couldn't miss it -- so she didn't" +"How can I safely watch the solar eclipse. https://i. redd. it/y1m1za6ajzgz","jpg Credit goes to /u/Yakev" +"What happened when the duck flew into a window","It got a quack in it" +"I just sat next to a baby on a 12 hour flight. I had no idea that someone could cry for 12 hours straight","Even the baby seemed impressed" +"Extended Christmas dad prank When my brother and I were little, we put out milk and cookies for Santa and carrots for the reindeers on Christmas eve, and woke up on Christmas morning to find them mostly eaten. We were delighted at proof of our nighttime visitors. The next year our dad told us he had gotten an inside tip from the north pole: that Santa actually liked ramen and beer, not milk and cookies (as other, less well informed, dads and kids had always thought). For years, we dutifully cooked ramen, put it on a table by the fireplace with a cold beer on the side, and woke up to the ramen and beer having been consumed in the night. I knew my dad wasn't fond of milk or cookies, but it wasn't until later that we connected the dots and found out the deal about Santa","My dad was the one who ate the Santa food once we went to bed, and he had secretly convinced us to prepare his ideal midnight snack for as long as we believed in Santa" +"What do you call a yeti with a sixpack","The abdominable snowman" +"How do you make holy water","You boil the hell out of it" +"I thought of this one a minute ago. I'll make a good dad someday Wearing too many clothes on a hot day can be dangerous. You're putting yourself in apparel","(Peril) It's not the best but I got my girlfriend to cringe and leave" +"What do you call a frozen terrorist","An *ISIS*-icle" +"My dad is on a roll. *dog is jumping for a stick* You know, I think we should keep a notebook of our dog. We could keep a log. We could store that log on Git. On a branch","But we might need root permissions" +"i don’t know why everyone thought 73-year-old Bernie Sanders was too old to run for president four years ago","after all, he was in his prime" +"I used to have a fear of speed bumps. But","I slowly got over it" +"A co-worker told be that seagulls will explode if you feed them. Akka-seltzer","I told him he’s just gullible." +"I was at a restaurant with my wife when a waitress suddenly screamed, Does anyone know CPR. I shouted, Even better, I know the whole alphabet. Everyone laughed","Well, everyone except this one guy" +"How do astronauts stay warm","They use a space heater" +"I changed my Iphones name to Titanic","It's syncing now" +"Girlfriend works at a Dermatology Clinic, this just happened Her boss, the head doctor, wasn't in a good mood this morning so I say: Me: Hopefully she doesn't get under your skin too much. Her: Oh that was awful. Really got me skin deep there. Me: Yeah I was a little rash with that word choice, but I'm not even sorry. Hopefully atopic better than this will arise","Her: *groans over text*" +"Me and my jug of water get on well","We have a good re-pour" +"I didn't like my beard at first","Then it grew on me" +"When my son goes to bed,","I'm going to put french pancakes on my feet and crepe around the house quietly." +"What do you call a fake noodle","An im-pasta" +"Watch out for capital letters","They're always looking to start something" +"Dad dropped this one on my family today My dad went to the dentist after having an incredible tooth ache for the past two days. He told us that the pain in his mouth was just slightly greater than having children. My mom and sister began to describe how unimaginably painful giving birth to a child is","Dad looked at my sister, grinned, and responded that their points were irrelevant, since the pain was still greater than having children" +"An ant joke 🐜An ant knocked on the door of a house. The house owner opened the door. I want a place to stay, said the ant. I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free of cost, said the owner. The ant went inside and occupied the vacant room. After some days, the ant brought in another ant 🐜and requested the owner, Can you please allow this ant to stay with me. Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent, said the owner. After some days the ant brought a 3rd 🐜ant and requested the owner to allow it to stay with them. The owner agreed to it without asking for any rent. This went on as the 🐜ant brought in more and more ants and the owner agreed to let them stay without any rent. One fine day, the ant brought in the *10th* ant 🐜and requested the owner to allow it to stay with them all. The owner said, OK, you can all stay here but now you all need to pay rent. *Now the question is:* Why did the owner ask for rent when the 10th ant came in. 🤔 . 🤔 . 🤔 . 🤔 . 🤔 . 🤔 Because they were now *tenants","* 🐜🐜🐜🐜🐜🐜🐜🐜🐜🐜" +"What do you call a machine designed to paddle a boat","A row-bot" +"When I noticed “HI” in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend","Then I saw the next two letters" +"Dadjoked the GPS GPS: Turn left on Allwright Crescent, then turn left to stay on Allwright Crescent.   Me: How can I make a left on All-Right crescent","I just chuckled to myself" +"Made a brutal dad joke while texting a girl. http://i. imgur. com/xe2QUub","png" +"What kind of dreams do plumbers have","Pipe dreams" +"It's hard to be late as an. American. You just end up","Russian." +"What do you call a rapper wearing a wig. 2pée [Just thought of this while driving and figured it was lame enough to post here","Proud of it" +"What do you call a line of rabbits moving backwards","A reciting hare line" +"Pasteruize:","Too far to see" +"My son told me his favorite sport was badminton","I told him, why not goodminton?" +"What do you call a team of transgendered superheroes","Ex men" +"What did the rubber plane say when it hit the ground","Boeing" +"I can see myself using a mirror","I hope this joke doesn't reflect on me poorly" +"I showed my damaged luggage to a lawyer, and said, “I want to sue the airline","” The lawyer said, “You don’t have much of a case" +"My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction","So I packed up my stuff and right" +"My wife is threatening to leave me because I’m addicted to wearing a new T-shirt every half an hour. I said, “Wait","I can change" +"How to you get milk from boats","Their rudders" +"If a time traveller from the future carried some sausages with him as he travels,","Does he have a link to the past?" +"How much of my dinner can I eat","Olive it" +"I have a pen that writes underwater","It writes other words too and this my first meme :3" +"I've always gotten small shocks when touching metal objects, but that stopped recently","Needless to say, I'm ex-static" +"Alcoholic: Is life worth living","It depends on the liver" +"Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free. Now it's $1. I asked the gas station attendant why","He said inflation" +"People feet. Let me tell you a story about the first dad joke I ever told. I was 4 years old and running around outside without shoes on. When my mom noticed she said, Starkid08 you get in here with your bare feet. Without missing a step I look down at my feet and say, These aren't my BEAR feet, these are my PEOPLE feet","We still recall this story from time to time when talking to my many aunts" +"Do you want a free vacuum","I have a spare that's just collecting dust" +"How do you find Will Smith in the snow","You look for Fresh Prince" +"My grief counselor just died and I don't care","That guy was good" +"Why do dogs invest in tennis balls","They have a high rate of return" +"My prosthetic limbs business has taken off and we made our first shipment abroad","I am now an international arms dealer" +"A blacksmithing dadjoke. I went to a blacksmithing class with a friend, and we were taught how to properly use a hammer to get the most work done. How's your shoulder. It feels okay","I think I got into the *swing* of things" +"Why didn't the blind man see the optometrist","Because he was blind" +"what do houses wear","address" +"Back to back eye rolls Told my GF I just got two Iron Maiden tics. That'll be a show and a half , she says, I replied with actually it'll be at least 2 since someone is opening","She says, Who , I said no someone else '" +"When I was a kid (in the 80s) we were really into mixtapes. My dad said he wanted to make one for me","He vigorously shook a blank cassette tape and handed it to me" +"What kind of tree is your “family tree","” The Ancess Tree" +"If you're shopping for horses in the dark, go for stallions","I mean, you don't want nightmares do you" +"I was let go from the keyboard factory today","I was told I wasn't putting in enough shifts" +"Got a new deodorant stick today","Instructions said Remove cap and push up bottom I can barely walk, but every time I fart the room smells great" +"I should open a brewery. I'd be rich","what with my effortless ability to magically turn just one more beer into four or five more beers" +"Why is Darth Vader's helmet so phallic","because when they hid Luke & Leia from him, they removed his force kin" +"If a mortician and a snake get married, what will their towels say","Hiss and Hearse" +"Feeling proud of myself lately","The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, But I finished it in 10 months" +"What happened when Bluebeard fell into the Red Sea","He got marooned" +"Had a date with a posture specialist","She stood me up" +"What do you shoot a ghost with","Boolits" +"What did one DNA say to the other when it asked how funny its joke was","Allele bit funny" +"How do you make a Kleenex dance","Put a little boogie in it" +"Have you heard about the goose that got into some drugs","Apparently he's all ducked up on quack" +"I was just in Oklahoma","It was OK" +"My balls are so sore","I think I need new shoes" +"I figured out what the next fast and furious movie will be called","Fast 10: your seatbelts" +"What is a. Astronaut's favorite key on a keyboard. The","SpaceBar" +"Bees. Sitting at Breakfast today, the question came up: what happens to bees in the winter, and how do they come back so fast in the summer. Skipping all the answers and cutting to the chase, I answer: The bees die and come back as ZomBees . Lot's of groaning and laughing followed from everybody minus the gf","I'm now single" +"I tried telling a llama joke once, but couldn't get it quite right","Alpaca my bags" +"What type of pasta do they serve at a haunted house","Fettuccini Afraido" +"This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at boobs and she said Press One. So I did","I don't remember much after that" +"You know where I should put those sea shells I found at the beach","On the shellf" +"3 Little girls were walking along with their mother on the way home from the park **Girl 1 turned to her mother and said. ** *Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily. * *Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head. * **The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question. ** *Girl 2: Why is my name Rose. * *Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head* **This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says","** *Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH* *Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block*" +"I had a stomach ache Me: Do you have any antacids","Dad: No, but I have some uncle-acids" +"What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer","Quacks in the pavement" +"Why did the clown's neck hurt","Because he slept funny" +"I finally finished my book about clocks","And if you ask me, it’s about time." +"Dilbert can do a decent dad joke now and then. http://dilbert","com/strip/1991-03-16" +"What is Forrest Gump’s password","1forrest1" +"I am going to get a tattoo on my wrist that says Terror . So","I can say to people hey look, it's a terrorwrist ." +"What can you say to both a working vacuum cleaner and a broken one","It sucks" +"What's a flat. Earths greatest fear","It's sphere its self" +"The. Communist party is training a militia wing. They're teaching their comrades to be excellent","Marxmen" +"I found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters","It's shift work" +"Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating","Because they have no body to go with" +"What did the pirate say when he turned eighty","Aye Matey" +"People who write burrow when they mean burro","clearly don't know their ass from a hole in the ground" +"What do you use to brush your teeth, to sleep on, and to sit on","A toothbrush, a bed, and a chair" +"I took my new gun to the range to try it out, but somehow it won’t work","Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual" +"I don't often tell dad jokes but when","I do, he usually laughs." +"My little niece doesn't talk much Was out at my wife's Grandmas farm for thanksgiving (canada) and I was holding my 2 year old niece who doesn't say a heck of a lot on a fence to look at the horses. I say to her: Hey Ireland do you like standing up on the fence","She doesn't answer so I say to the rest of the family around she's on the fence about it Eyes were rolling but I was pretty happy with myself" +"So a girl came up tom he other day and said that she recognized me from her vegetarian restaurant. Honestly I was a bit confused","I’d never met herbivore" +"My mom dadjoked me when I was telling my sister about the laptop I got on a Black Friday Deal. sister: What kind of laptop is it","me: Its a Dell Mom: I thought Adele was a singer" +"After I got a second one from Amazon, my brother asked, What are you going to do with two Dots. I said","Connect them" +"What time do ducks wake up","At the quack of dawn" +"What do you get if you cross a joke and a motorbike","A Yamahaha" +"A man who loved to catch butterflies married the woman of his dreams:","Annette." +"What do you call a cow that just gave birth","Decaffeinated" +"I broke up with my midget girlfriend","We couldn't see eye to eye on anything." +"England doesn't have a kidney bank","But they have a liver-pool" +"At graduation the psychiatrist was given a wicker attache","It was his first basket case" +"Time flies like an arrow","but fruit flies like a banana" +"What should you do if you are attacked by a group of clowns","Go for the juggler" +"I got my wife pregnant having anal sex","I'm afraid our baby is going to be a real piece of shit" +"I don't know what apathy is","And I can't say I'm too bothered to find out" +"What did one nut say to the other while playing tag","Imma cashew" +"I asked my wife to rate my listening skills 1 - 10, and she said, You're an 8 on a scale of 10","I still don't get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton" +"Get on with it","Carbon dating goes back 50,000 years, when will carbon get married?" +"On this sub people always say how they dropped a dad joke on someone","And no one ever says if they picked it up or not" +"Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors","Because if it had 4, it'd be a chicken sedan" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When it leaves and never comes back" +"Over at a friend's house yesterday and her dad warned me that their dog is deaf","Yeah, so just keep an eye out for him, otherwise you might step in a poodle" +"Sometimes. I'll just end a sentence with No pun intended . When people point out that. I didn't make a pun. I reply, Yeah, and","I didn't intend to." +"I’m reading a book about anti-gravity","It’s impossible to put down" +"To whoever stole my anti depressants","I hope you’re happy now" +"A carrot and his wife are walking home from a party late at night and he gets hit by a car. Mrs. Carrot takes him to the ER and after a day of surgery, the doctor steps out and says, Mrs. Carrot, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, we saved your husband","The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life" +"Teaching my son well We had a door to door pest control salesman that wouldn't leave our front porch","When he finally left, my 10 year old son says, Man, that guy was bugging" +"What do sprinters eat before a race","Nothing, they fast" +"Are you cold. Go stand in the corner","They're always 90 degrees" +"What's blue and not very heavy","Light blue" +"Grandpa Joke I was driving around with my Grandfather yesterday. As we passed a cemetery he says, People are dying to get in there, you know . I couldn't help but bust out laughing. I'm 29 years old","Gotta love Grandpas" +"Got a coffee before work this morning. Lady comes on the speaker after about 2 minutes. Good morning, sorry for your wait","I replied No it's ok I'm only 170" +"I didn't get to celebrate 4/20 yesterday","I guess I'll celebrate tomorrow when it's 4/22" +"What’s a triangle’s favorite pickup line","What’s your sine" +"What do you call an Apple update for a pirate","An iPatch" +"Mathematicians have developed a dance that is good for the environment. It's called Al Gore Rhythm","(Algorithm)" +"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh","Tentacles" +"I'm giving my chimney away for free","You can say it's on the house" +"I came second in a space photography competition","Got the constellation prize" +"Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men","They just pick it up as they go along" +"What did John Fogerty say when the airline offered him an upgrade to first class","Put me in coach" +"Reverse dad-joked my date last night We're hanging out at the bar, and she accidentally drops her drink and spills it everywhere. > Her: I guess I've got a drinking problem (solid [*Airplane*](https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=pl4plPGRG8o) reference) Me: Well, you clearly can't hold your liquor" +"What's the difference between a Zippo and a hippo","One's really heavy, and the other's a little lighter" +"My wife thought I was mad because the only birthday gift I received was this comically miniature playing cards","It wasn’t a big deal" +"What is a poker players favorite snack","Chips" +"In Canada, they use the more appropriate “B. E” instead of “B","” It stands for “Before Christ, Eh" +"Why didn't the melons run away together","Because they cantaloupe" +"Dad joked(. ) the old guy at work this morning I do maintenance on overnights at a department store. We're able to get away with quite a lot of joking around thankfully so it really isn't all that bad Anyways, it's about 6 or 6:30 in the morning. The daytime employees are just making their way in for the day. Suddenly, I'm paged over the system by the old guy I work with on maintenance MetalHeadCrow, where are you. I love working with the old guy. He's a great worker and we really get along good. So, I run to the nearest phone, pick it up, and page for the whole store to hear: I'm right here, where are you. I was happy with myself EDIT: I'm using my iPod to post so not sure how this will look","Also added a few words" +"Just dadjoked my sister We were having steak for dinner when my sister asked Sister: wow is this rare","Me: no its pretty common" +"Got dadjoked by my 3 year old: Daddy, do you want to hear a cool word","Fridge" +"What did the rising sun say to the morning dew","You will be mist" +"Why did the zoo relocate away from the dogpark","Because all the kids kept saying, Hey look, a Shih Tzu" +"Mom got unclejoked My uncle got his son (my cousin) a Wii-U for Christmas and my mom asked what a Wii-U was. In true fatherly fashion he replied, it's a fire truck","Wii-U Wii-U Wii-U" +"Occasionally. I drew. Carey but. I drew","Barry more" +"Dad. I'm cold","Dad:Go to the corner it's 90 degrees" +"What's black, dangerous & hides in trees","A crow with a machine gun" +"Saw a sign that read, . REST. AREA 25. MILES","I thought,wow,that's pretty big!" +"How many tickles does it take to make an octupus laugh","Ten tickles" +"Did you ever hear about Superman's crazy uncle","His name was El Lo El" +"I created a dance called the hip stir","You've probably never heard of it" +"I usually dont tell dad jokes","But when i do, he laughs" +"Why do Swiss cows wear bells","Because their horns don't work" +"Letters ueue in. Queue are not silent","They are waiting for their turn." +"I love the way the earth rotates","It really makes my day" +"At work, I keep extra cough drops in my desk for anyone that needs it","I guess I’m the halls monitor" +"How does Cyndi Lauper order her spices","Thyme after thyme" +"You know, people say they pick their nose,. But","I was only born with mine." +"This joke may be a little dry My brother and I were standing in our kitchen eating from a bag of beef jerky when my dad walks in, grabs a piece of jerky, takes a bite and goes what is this","A circle jerky" +"I'm glad the dark times are finally passing","Everything is so lit these days" +"Although my friend has a lot of hair, he’s paranoid about going bald","I told him, “It’s all in your head" +"Why are shipping jokes so funny","It's all in the delivery" +"What is e. short for","Because he has little legs" +"I hate gravity","All it does is keep me down" +"Why can you never trust stairs","Because they're always up to something" +"What do you call a French man with urine on his head","Pierre" +"Transcription of a message pic, seen on r/lgbt Mom: Can you come out. Kid: Yeah, gimme a minute. Kid: Mom, I'm gay. Mom: I know that silly, come out to the car","Kid: Car, I'm gay" +"I love ruining the plot of. Dorian. Gray for people","Never gets old." +"Why was the baby ant confused","Because all of his uncles were ants" +"I drew it perfectly I'm a teacher and I love to dadjoke my students. You guys are really amazing. So I'm teaching economics and we deal with a lot of tables and the like. I show them the table, point at it and tell them to draw this table then I point at a chair and say then draw this chair (and they give me the look of pure success). I got them many times. Today I was lucky to catch it on video. I posted it to Twitter if you'd like to see it (and hear the 5 on the sighsmograph) https://twitter. com/JoAngryTeacher/status/847162266856439808","s=09" +"I have a phobia of glue","It's gotten me in some stick situations" +"I can always remember the last words my. Father said to me before he kicked the bucket Son, how far do you think","I can kick that bucket?" +"Tried to get a customer while I was working at the local grocery store. Me: (*grabs his leek*) Did you know that it's bad luck to take these on any sort of boat. Customer: Oh really. Me: Oh yeah, sailors hate a leeky boat","Customer: (*stares at me, completely unimpressed*) Me: That'll be $15 sir" +"Sat down to watch arrival with my wife. She asks Is this one of those alien movies","To which I answer: No, it was made by humans" +"“Son, you’re just not cut out to be a mime. He replied, “Is it something I said","” “Yes" +"Did you ever hear about the joke that was 50 miles away","It took me a while to get it" +"This sick lady at Starbucks tried to give me my coffee As she handed me my coffee she coughed and the conversation went like this Me: that'll be 2. Her: Excuse me","Me: Well, that's the price of the *cough* *fee* Her: Please exit the line sir" +"Sleeping comes so naturally to me","I could do it with my eyes closed" +"My fiancee is ready to join the ranks. We live in a building with 2 levels of underground parking","I like parking on the first floor because the second floor is beneath me" +"Smiling like a fool, lifting her veil, looking longingly into my beloved's eyes, I whispered, A. and sometimes Y. The priest then turned to her","And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels" +"Why aren't there any penguins in England","Because they're scared of Wales" +"A Mummy A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt","Archaeologists believe it may be Pharoah Roche" +"The best way to tell the difference between an. Indian and an","African elephant is that one of them is an elephant." +"Dude, can you pass me that pamphlet","Brochure" +"Naming our future children. Told my girlfriend I had some ideas for names for our future kids. First was Penelope for a girl, because I always liked the nickname Penny. Girlfriend thought it was cute and agreed. Next was Dimitri because it's not too common and sounds artsy. Girlfriend was not much of a fan, but agreed it would sound good with our last name. Last was Nicholas Levar for a son's name. Named after Santa Claus and Star Trek's Geordi La Forge. I love Christmas and my girlfriend loves Star Trek. Girlfriend shot it down. At this point I said, But the nicknames are good. Penny, Dime, and Nick L. We would have 16 cents to our name. It makes cents to me. Not sure if she wants to have kids with me now","----------------------------------------------------------------- **EDIT:** To the guys saying Dime isn't a nickname for Dimitri, they're MY imaginary kids, I'll call them what I damn want" +"You hear about that new corduroy pillow","It's making headlines" +"A team of investigators found the body of a missing person in a frozen lake","They finally cracked the cold case" +"I heard you need to build an ark,. I","Noah guy" +"My girlfriend looked at my belly button. And said I'm so glad you don't have an outtie . I followed up with nope, just a volkswagen which","I do actually drive." +"My wife gave birth my boy on the way to the hospital. His name is","Carson" +"I saw an acrobat today enjoying her work","She was having a flipping good time" +"I have had a decorator in this week. Turns out he is normally a Pilot for BA, but has been furloughed due to Corona","He did a lovely job of the landing" +"What does a mermaid clean her fin with","Tide" +"Tonight's groaners at the dinner table . Did you hear about the broken change machine. It doesn't make cents. How about the skunk that couldn't spray","It doesn't make scents either" +"Do I enjoy making courthouse puns","Guilty" +"Once. I dropped a stick in my. Fanta. That was","Fantastic" +"Why was Thanos taken to the mental hospital","He snapped" +"How do Indian people feel about bread","It's a naan-issue" +"I caught my toddler peeing on the carpet","I politely asked him to piss off" +"Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker","He won the no-bell prize" +"Book, you look so much thinner. I know","I had my appendix removed" +"Concerned about boyfriend's dad-joke abilities. Is he a secret dad. Boyfriend and I went to Portillo's (Italian Beef sandwich place in Chicago) and ordered sammies. While we were eating, I started a story with the phrase, so, I kind of have a beef with. He pauses, looks down at my now-empty sandwich wrapper and responds with, well, you **had** a beef. Also, I've stopped asking him to call my phone when I misplace it because I'm tired of the what do you want me to call it. response. Boy and I have been together for. 8 months or so, dad-jokes only got super frequent recently - men of /r/dadjokes - is this a condition that occurs after several months of dating. Please help",":)" +"Now that is 2017 it's high time that I said this","This" +"My grandfather keeps telling us that when he dies, we should try to convert his ashes into a diamond","That’s a lot of pressure" +"Almost all garden gnomes have red hats","It’s a little gnome fact" +"Why is everyone investing in Ireland","Because the capital is always Dublin" +"In Germany there is this one convinience store where they have their own mouse mascot","They call him Stuart Lidl" +"What do you call a Hippy’s wife","Mississippi" +"I can't believe I actually fell for this one . Friend: Have you seen the new movie Constipated. Me: I haven't even heard of it. Friend: Oh, you didn't","Well it's because it hasn't come out yet" +"My son just flung this joke at us What do you call someone that steals a lot of fertilizer","A Craptomaniac" +"What is Forrest Gumps Facebook password","1Forrest1" +"Why did the Caveman get dressed up","To go clubbing" +"Why do scuba divers fall backward into the water. Because if they went forward, they'd fall into the boat. My father tells this one all the time to the youngest kids in the family. His father did the same","It gets to the point where my sister and I groan as soon as Dad gets that look in his eye and asks our cousins the question" +"What did the fish say to the wall. Dam. But what did the wall say","Dumb bass" +"What do you call it when an older married gay couple make it a rule to go out at least once every 2 weeks","A man-date mandate" +"/r/Jokes didn't like this one very much. I hope you guys will laugh with me. My sister is a mathematician. When I asked her if she was celebrating 4/20, she said she already celebrated it on January fifth","Apparently it's simpler that way" +"My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally","I had to take his bike away" +"The time I was foolishly challenged to a dad-joke off. I am well known among my friends as a Pungeon Master, but my brother foolishly decided to challenge me. We went back and forth for a while, the theme ocean/fish puns. Finally, I busted out the nuclear strike that caused him to literally get up and walk away. Me: Why are fish all atheists. Brother: Why. Me: Cause they're all, Ick, theology. Silent, he stood, left the restaurant and drove off","He was my ride T-T" +"Got my wife Showed her [this](http://i. imgur. com/Kd3LUej. gif) post. Her - Why would they do that. Me - Because it's cool. Her - It looks messy","Me - No, I don't think that's Barcelona" +"What’s one Nickel minus one Nickel","Wait never mind that makes no cents" +"Dad Jokes with Dad on way to Grandpa's Funeral Dad: A lot of people have heart attacks over Christmas, I hope the funeral home isn't too busy. Me: It's probably dead","Dad: I'm worried they're running a skeleton crew" +"I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with reducing fractions","Oh well, hindsight is 1" +"I told my Dad about the raccoon I saw. Me: Dad, I just saw a raccoon. Dad: Did it have a mask on its face. Me: Yeah, it did","Dad: Then how do you know it was a raccoon" +"Dad: I need a doctor's appointment Receptionist: Ok (checks bookings) how about 11 tomorrow","Dad: No, I don't need that many" +"Why is milk the fastest thing ever","Because it’s pasteurized before you see it" +"I'm going to get a dog. And","I will name him Ruler just for good measure" +"Dad, everytime we go to this store we see the same people. Us","(My 7-year-old daughter at the grocery store this morning)" +"If a sitting president can’t be charged with a crime","Why don’t they just charge him while he’s standing?" +"My dad called to tell me he just ruined his year","He spilled a full cup of coffee on his calendar" +"If you have one piñon in one hand, and two piñons in the other hand, what do you have","A difference of a piñon" +"What do you call a dad sitting with super strong legs","Papa squat" +"What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination","HAND EEEEYYYYEEEEEEEE" +"Maybe the Best Dad Jokester Ever. John Witherspoon On Oct. 29, 2019, the world lost a legend. Esteemed actor and comedian, John Pops Witherspoon, passed away at the age of 77. After making his acting debut on The Richard Pryor Show in 1977, Witherspoon starred in cultural classics like Good Times, House Party, I'm Gonna Git You Sucka, Bebe's Kids, Boomerang, Soul Plane, I Got the Hook-Up, The Wayans Bros, all three of the revered Friday movies and many more. [https://4ormypeople. com/mood/2019/10/30/rip-john-pops-witherspoon](https://4ormypeople","com/mood/2019/10/30/rip-john-pops-witherspoon)" +"Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sean Connery were thinking of what to wear to a classical music themed costume party, suddenly Arnold had an idea: You be Mozart. . I'll be Bach","Dishes a great idea, Ahnold, replied Sean" +"Why does. Russia get no work done. Because they’re","Stalin" +"Just heard this dad call the local radio station. This morning, a local radio station had trivia going on, in which the first correct caller would win a free dozen donuts at a local store. Radio DJ: *20% of Americans have one of these in their home, and despite not working, have no plans of fixing them. * First caller, you're up. Dad: *(without hesitation)* Hello, I have the answer, I'm ready for the donuts. Radio DJ: *(laughs)* What is the answer. Dad: *Teenagers","* Radio DJ: Next caller, you're up" +"What part of the body has the most anxiety","The central nervous system" +"I went camping on Valentines day","It was fucking in tents" +"I threw my friend under the bus","He got bent out of shape" +"Bowser must be a good rapper","Cause he spittin’ real fire" +"Why did the guitarist get sent to prison","He fingered A minor" +"My roommate did not appreciate this I recently started playing Fallout. So I went into the living room, sat down, and this happened: Me: I started playing Fallout yesterday. Roommate: Ooh, which one. Me: My chair","(Proceed to fall out of the chair I'm sitting in) He walked away and wouldn't talk to me for an hour" +"What's a pedophile's favourite key","A minor" +"What is the fastest liquid on earth","Milk, because it's pasteurized before you see it" +"My boss dropped this one at our team meeting. We have a 10 minute safety/health segment before each meeting, and one of the suggestions in the presentation was to reduce alcohol intake. My boss, about a colleague who loves his drink but recently had liver issues - Yeah, Dave doesn't drink anymore. he just doesn't drink any less","WINK" +"Today. I saw a monkey with a banana","It wasn't ape peeling" +"Why did Snap, Crackle, and Pop get scared","Because they heard there was a cereal killer on the loose" +"What do you call it when Batman skips church","Christian Bail" +"Just learned I'm gonna be a dad today, and I told my wife: two turtles are in front of a waterfall, what does one say to the other. Shall we jump. Yes, we shell","I'll see my way out" +"What language did the first person in Portugal speak","Portugoose" +"Dad Joked in Dragon Age My character and his companions are walking around a dwarven ruin when a conversation occurs between two of them that goes something like this: You hadn't written me since the day that explosion happened. If you had died in that I would've come and dug up your corpse just to kick your ass. The NPC in question says what would you have done if I had been cremated","I would have kicked your ash No groans from the other NPCs occurred but mine was certainly audible from my room" +"Sometimes i tuck my head between my legs. It’s just how","I roll." +"A pilot took a penis-shaped flight path","The passengers were pissed by how much schlonger it took" +"Today I bought a wooden whistle. It didn't work so I took it back to the store and told them, 'it wooden whistle'. So they replaced it with a steel one. So I tried and tried but had to return it and told them 'it steel wooden whistle'. So they finally replaced it with a tin one","I gave it a big blow and happily exclaimed, 'I tin whistle" +"Definition of pediatrician","A doctor with very little patients" +"A book just fell on my head","I only have my-shelf to blame" +"My sister dadjoked me pretty good over dinner. I took my kid sister to In-N-Out for dinner. I asked for my burger with no pickles. I took a bite and said, I definitely just bit into a pickle","She looked at me and said, Dill with it" +"What did the Amish woman wish for","Two Mennonite" +"My mom channeled her inner dad for a harsh burn I hope momjokes are welcome When I was a teenager my aunt and her husband had to have their house fumigated and needed a place to stay for a weekend. My parents offered them my room and arranged a sleepover for me at my nephew's. As I was leaving the house I cheekily turn back and say to them : don't do anything in there I wouldn't do","To which my mom promptly replied : honey, they're not going to clean your room" +"An egg, a piece of toast and a slice of bacon walk into a bar","The bartender says sorry, we don't serve breakfast in here" +"Got my mom on Passover. I was at my mom's helping her get her house together for Passover, which includes getting rid of bread-like foods. Mom: Oh shoot, I forgot there's naan bread in the freezer. Me: That's okay, it's *non* bread. Mom: *sigh* Good one","I impress myself sometimes" +"My wife was just conned into buying an awful used mirror","It reflects poorly on her" +"I went to the psychic and accidentally broke her crystal ball","It cost me a fortune" +"Wife said I'm pregnant","I replied Hi pregnant, I'm dad And so it began and i can't quit" +"Dad, can you give me money for glasses. Dad: What. Do i look like a bank to you","Me: I dont know, i can't see" +"I got lost in a cornfield","I couldn't wait to get out of the maize" +"2 female beans are in love","Lesbeans" +"Did you hear that they’re making a vacuum cleaner that just blows air","Surprisingly, it doesn’t suck" +"What do you call it when your birthing coach won't come to help deliver the baby","A mid-wife crisis (Or a no can doula )" +"What did Neptune call his armies","Tsunarmies" +"So my cousin said she hated me after this one. We were chatting in the car talking about how her brother wants to get into medicine as a doctor or become a teacher. Her: Yeah he wants to either become a teacher or a doctor, I think he'd be best as a teacher because he has a lot of patience","Me: Well yeah he'd have that either way" +"Guy did his math This older man that comes in regularly to our taco shop came up to me to order some tacos to go. Tacos are $1. 25+tax on Tuesdays. He orders 3 tacos, I say it's $4. He says 409","Damn, I forgot my cleaner at home He just started laughing and walked out" +"My dad likes fart jokes My local grocery store has a rewards program- you get money towards gas at certain stations when you spend there. So I was in line with my dad there and he sees the poster: turn groceries into gas","I'm great at that" +"What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday","Aye Matey" +"I have run two marathons in one day before","My first and my last" +"Why is ice cream bad at tennis","It has a soft serve" +"Kleptomaniacs don’t really understand puns. Kleptomaniacs don’t really understand puns","they take everything literally" +"Not all fishing tales are true","But most are based on reel events" +"I went to a VERY formal Italian restaurant last night","They only served bowtie pasta" +"How do you fix a broken brass instrument","With a tuba glue" +"If mental institutions started making hiking trails","We could call them “psychopaths”" +"Gone Chopin","Bach soon" +"I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey","But then I turned myself around" +"I've been saying mucho more around my hispanoc friends","It means a lot to them" +"On our way to the beach. As we were driving, we passed a cemetery. Without missing a beat, my dad goes that's the last place I want to go","It took us all a second to realize we'd been dad joked" +"I had a math test and the bouns question was to put down the first three numbers of Pi to celebrate Pi day","I guess i would rate this day a 22/7" +"How do you call a Photoshop project file that gave you anxiety","ptsd" +"Do you know why Mcdonalds named they're new chicken burger Alabama chicken","Because its in bread" +"To whoever took my ambien:","How do you sleep at night?!" +"My Dad is introducing Louie Anderson tonight and ran this opening joke past me. My folks own a bar with a banquet area and Louie Anderson is performing tonight. My Dad is going to open the show with one joke that he is really excited about. Picture him standing at the mic in a empty banquet hall, I'm standing in the middle of the room as he is testing the joke on me. A termite walks into a bar, looks around and asks Where's the bar tender.","I'm going to try and get this on video tonight" +"Canada recently passed legislation that will ban keeping or breeding whales and dolphins in captivity","Guess you can say marineland has lost its porpoise" +"Which state in the US has people saying good morning all the time","Ohio" +"You know what the problem is with camo jokes","You never see them coming" +"What's a pirate's favorite letter","You'd think it'd be R, but their heart is at C" +"At my Dad's birthday dinner. and we're talking about what they thought my brother would be when he grew up. Brother: What did you guys think I would be. Mom: Well I thought you'd be a piano player because you have such long and scrawny fingers. Dad: See, that's where we disagreed. I figured you'd be great at picking your nose","**slight silence** Dad:At least one of us was right" +"A Panda Bear walks into a bar. He orders a drink and sandwich. He eats, has a fine time with the others in the bar, and then heads towards the door when he's about ready to leave. But just before he does, he pulls out a pistol and empties all 6 round from the revolver right into the ceiling. The bartender is frightened and angry he asks the bear why did you do that. He looks at the bartender and says Panda. Look it up. Intrigued by the night's occurrences, the bartender then goes home after closing and looks up Panda'' in the dictionary. The entry for the animal said Panda: Marsupial. Originating in Asian regions and commonly known for it's remarkably contrasting colors of black and white","Eats shoots and leaves" +"I called to buy tickets for an. Elvis tribute act…","It was an automated phone system which said, Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show…" +"Why is Peter Pan always flying","Because he Neverlands" +"(Classic) What's the difference between a guitar and a fish","You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish" +"If I had a pet turtle","I'd name her Miss Shell Obama" +"My favorite bee is","A boobie" +"My dog's tail got cut off today,","So i took him to the retail store for a new one." +"Why should you never leave a magicians company","Because they see you before they saw you" +"Wife dadjoked me after a trip to the ice cream store We visited a homemade ice cream store yesterday where they make their own waffle cones right there in front of you as you wait. As we were loading the family back in the car, I remarked that we all smelled like waffle cones","My wife responded with: How WAFFLE" +"Neighbor lady drops this","As my family and the neighbors are all watching the NBA finals, my mom asks why Miami is doing badly, suddenly one of our neighbors, a small quiet Filipina, quickly ceases the her golden opportunity with this: Well it looks like they're losing their heat The groans were strong in our living room" +"What's round and holds your pants up","A wedding ring" +"My dad on an unarmed bank robber. My dad was reading the paper after we had finished eating dinner, and said this after reading an excerpt","Dad: Well, it shouldn't be too hard find a guy with no arms" +"My dad's new shoes I was talking to my dad about how a shoelace on a pair of my shoes just snapped, and he says, Yeah, I just bought a new pair of shoes from a drug dealer. What","Yeah, now I'm tripping" +"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did","Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car" +"What did the. German bread say to the other. German bread","Gluten tag" +"I really wanted to be a Solid Earth Tectonicist","But my world fell apart" +"what happened to the frog who parked in a handicapped spot","he got toad" +"One of my dad's daily jokes Me: I'm gonna go hop in the shower Dad: Don't hurt yourself","*Facepalm*" +"What do you call James Bond in a jacuzzi","Bubble-0 Seven" +"My wife got me again. Me- So there's a big Apple event on Tuesday. Wife- yeah. What's going on in New York","" +"If a butler screws up when applying for a job, you should always give them a second chance","After all, everyone deserves a re-buttle" +"I had borscht for dinner","It's Russian right through me" +"Here's how to fall down stairs:. Step 1. Step 2. Step 3. Step 6. Step 10. Step 15. Step 19. Step 23","Step 35" +"4 year old daughter came over to me with her shoes in her hands and said Daddy, can you put these on. Like any good dad, I said Of course I can sweety before stuffing my toes into them. After she said NOOOOOOO DAAAAAADDY. On *my* feet. I said well why didn't you say so in the first place. [Helped her stuff her feet in] Daddy she asked, Can you pull on the tongue.","*ike dthis" +"So","I heard this story about a knife it was dull." +"Friend: Wow. Your kid has gotten so big. What is he, four","Me: I’m not too sure what he is for" +"My boyfriend refused to acknowledge me after this **Me:** Do you know when bread goes bad. **Him:** I don't know. Did you check the Best by date on the package. **Me:** Hmm. that's weird","There's no Best by on here, but there's a Circuit City" +"Mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says Get out, we don't serve your kind Mushroom says Why not","Everyone knows I am a Fungi" +"My friend told me he was using sodium hydroxide to clean his pillows","What a weird thing to lye about" +"That would make a great name for a cow farm: The Legen Dairy. Said to me from the Marketing Director - I had to ask him how many kids he had. He has 1, that poor soul","So many groans and no one to share them with" +"Announcement in church this morning: I'm sure many of you heard that the dishwasher died","I lean over to the wife and say Did you know her name" +"Dadjoke at the restaurant. I worked at a restaurant years ago. Me: Would you like some complementary bread while you look over our menu. Husband: Is it well bread. Me: It's pure bread. The wife rolled her eyes","The husband and I smiled" +"DUCK. When I was waiting tables in a French bistro, I had a gentleman order the duck confit appetizer, followed by the roast duck entree. As I cleared his dinner, he said, Now you can bring me my third duck course. I said, I'm afraid I haven't got a duck dessert, Sir","He said, No, no - the bill" +"What did the old man say before he kicked the bucket","I wonder how far i could kick it" +"My wife had to be out the door by 12. She asked me what time it was, and I told her it was 11:59. Angrily, she asked “Why didn’t you tell me earlier","” I replied, “Why would I have told you it was 11:59 earlier" +"What do you call a medieval weaponry shop run by three people all dating each other","A polyarmory" +"What did the fish say when he swam into a wall","Dam" +"How do you organise a party in space","You plan-et" +"I frequently dad joke my lab, I hid this one in a procedure room for my next unfortunate victim. (X-post from r/labrats) Sorry, this one only works as a picture: http://imgur","com/a/JwNOc" +"I called the tinnitus helpline…","It just kept ringing" +"My dad gave away all of his dead batteries today","Free of charge." +"My wife screamed you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you. I was taken aback","what a weird way to start a conversation" +"*knock knock* “who’s there. ” “Dishes” “dishes who","” Dishes a very bad joke" +"When I was younger, I felt like a man trapped in a woman's body","Then I was born" +"The doctor gave me 10 years left to live","I killed him and the judge gave me 60" +"My dad's all time favourite Mom : I ran into Andrea the other day","Dad : Did you say sorry" +"Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in an accident","He’s all right now" +"If Peter Pan had a plane at home, it would always be in the air","Because it would Neverland" +"Parents talking about when they were dating My mom was talking about how my dad wouldn't stop talking about her when they were dating just as he got up from the table to go to the bathroom They brought it up because I just got my license. Mom: When your dad first got a car he had a girl who liked him inside first and he kept on going on and on and on about me. She found that annoying. Ask him who was the first person in his car. See if he'll lie about it. Me: Dad who was the first person in your car. Mom wants to know. Dad: Me. Its not gonna drive its self Me: Well hes not wrong mom","Mom: Shut up" +"Would anyone be interested in being my companion","Asking for a friend" +"Pizza chefs who have flour on their face at the end of a long shift","call that a 5-o’clock shadough" +"Graveyard Did you know graveyards are the most popular place in the world","People are just 'DYING' to get in there" +"Bath time for the little one. Wife: Will you go upstairs and draw a bath for the baby. Me: Sure","<leaves room> <comes back> Me: I forgot my pencil" +"How do you murder mass","You killagram" +"How does the ocean get high","Seaweed" +"For my next trick,I will disappear. Fuck you,pear","You taste like shit" +"My wife is on a tropical fruit diet","It's enough to make a mango crazy" +"Happy St. Patrick's Day. Why should you never iron a shirt with shamrocks on it","You don't want to press your luck" +"What do you call a owl with armor on","A knight owl" +"I recently made a very tasteless joke at an alopecia convention","Thankfully, it didn't raise any eyebrows" +"Driving along a country road with my daughter today. When we had to overtake a horse. I did what your supposed to, slowed right down and gave them a wide berth. As we passed, my daughter noted that she didn't even smile or wave thanks at us","So I said, Yeah, look at her on her high horse" +"A man walking on the road finds a lamp and rubs it and out comes a genie. The man tells the genie that he has been really down on his luck and practically begs him to 'please, in this one instance, grant him four wishes instead of three. ' The genie replies Done","You have three wishes remaining" +"Dad got a drawing prompt book. http://i. imgur. com/RvpK4F3","jpg Please help, there are 500 more of these" +"The Schiaparelli Mars Lander exploded on impact with Mars, the European Space Agency announced","The Lander is now known as Scraparelli" +"My Girlfriend's mom got me with this one. So we had all just finished eating supper, and I had just noticed my girlfriend had a really nice shirt on","So I commented on how well she had sewed up the back, and her mom: It seams like a good job" +"What did Mississippi let Delaware","I don’t know, but Alaska" +"I used to tie my watches to my belt. Until","I realised it was just a waist of time" +"Got dadjoked worked while taking an order at work Me: Take away. Man: Well I'm not just going to leave it here","Me:" +"I hired some dolphins to find Alexa","They know Echo loaction" +"I'm sick of this sub","I should have gone with the soup." +"I was almost expelled from archery school","but my Dad pulled some strings" +"If i break my arm in a dream and go to the medic, what does the medic put in my arm","A Dreamcast" +"Anyone want to buy a puppet from me. Only costs £1","No strings attached" +"My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture","I have a hunch it might be me" +"What do medicine men eat for lunch","Shaman noodles" +"FWD: Fwd: FWD FWD: Fwd: Emails from Dad MAN LAWS The International Rules of Manhood 1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. (c) After wrecking your boss' car. (d) When she is using her teeth. 3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies. 4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. 6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice. 8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. 11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach. and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free. 12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts. 13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. 16: Women who claim they love to watch sports must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. 17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy. 19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. 21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights: (a) Yeah, Baby, Push it. (b) C'mon, give me one more. Harder. (c) Another set and we can hit the showers. 22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i. , both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly just a friend have carnal, drunken, monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was. 25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. 26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. 27: The girl who replies to the question What do you want for Christmas. with If you loved me, you'd know what I want. gets an Xbox. End of story. 28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them. In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below. GUTS is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere","BALLS is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, You're next" +"I saw Arnold schwarzenegger in the grocery store eating a delicious chocolate egg. I asked him where he got it","Arnold: Aisle B, back" +"Can't have Thanksgiving dinner without a dad joke Was having a very formal (Canadian) Thanksgiving dinner with my boyfriend's family. He started talking about a previous roommate of his, and how he likes to travel a lot. Me: Where does he keep all his stuff. Him: He's been keeping it at one of his aunt's houses. Me: *in the most innocent voice possible* But how can he fit all his stuff in the ant's house","Even his grandmother laughed" +"When is a door not a door","When it's ajar" +"Why is the sand wet","Because the sea weed" +"A girl walks into a gun store and falls onto a weapon rack","The gunstore owner says: > She just fell into my arms" +"Trust your calculator","It's something you can count on." +"What do you call a man with a rubber toe","Roberto" +"Betsy Ross was asked how she liked her job. Her reply was Eh","Sew-sew" +"Why do cows wear bells","Cuz their horns don't work" +"What happened to the frog after his car died","It was toad" +"I asked my new dentist, “Do you extract teeth painlessly. ” He said, “Not always","Just last week, I sprained my wrist" +"If fire hydrants have H2O inside them, what do they have outside","K9P" +"Guy on the street bet me $5 that he could guess where I got my shoes. I told him that there's no possible way that he could guess that but he could go ahead and try","To which he replied, You got them on yo feet" +"What do you say when you’re introducing someone to your accountant with an OnlyFans","“It’s the thot that counts" +"I always take a second pair of pants golfing. Just in case","I get a hole in one." +"What’s a pirate’s favorite letter","You’d think it’d be R, but it be the C" +"My 3 year old already learned an appreciation for dad jokes. Last night: Me: “let’s go to sleep, I’m tired. ” Her: “hi tired I’m Lennon” Today: Her (standing on her chair at dinner): “dad whats you’re favorite restaurant","” Me: “sit on your butt please” Her: “your favorite restaurant is ‘sit on your butt please" +"I like to claim that the. Greek. Orthodox secretly run the world through its financial networks…For some reason people are ok with that, try putting a different religion in there and suddenly you’re a conspiracy theorist and hate criminal. Those","Catholics are real sensitive sometimes" +"WHAT DO WE WANT. LOW FLYING PLANES. WHEN DO WE WANT THEM","NEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWW" +"My brother is a truck driver in the Philadelphia area and I just got him, am I ready to be a dad. I texted my brother this morning about a story one of my co-workers was telling, Brother: Cool. I'm super busy today. Will be running around philly. Me: You should probably use your truck instead of running. It's been an hour and a half and he still hasn't responded","I'm feeling quite proud of myself for that one" +"Grow your own fish","Just add water" +"What do you get when you mix a penis and a potato","A Dictator -my dad told me that growing up and I still get a knee slap out of it" +"A woman said she recognized me from the vegetarian club","But I'd never met herbivore" +"My dream job would be to make mirrors","I can see myself doing that" +"My girlfriend asked why I put a watch on the bed before going to sleep","I told her I wanted to wake up on time" +"Dad, question. Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water","Because son, if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat" +"I am fluent in sign language. Stop,. Speed. Limit 30,. No turn on red,","Yield." +"I have a friend in Prague who I play chess with","He’s my Czech mate" +"Does anyone know subreddits about cutting cheese","If anyone does, I’ll be grateful" +"When i was teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute powerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex","All the slides were just pictures of me" +"Got dadjoked by my five year-old cousin Me: What's on your shirt. Him: Dinosaurs. Me: Have you ever seen a dinosaur. Him: No. They all died. That's why they're called die-nosaurs. Kid has a bright future","Edit: verb tense" +"That little paper mask they ask you to wear at the Medical Clinic is called","A Coughy Filter" +"My son had to use the word “before” in a sentence. I said 2+2 before","Hopefully his teacher has a sense of humor" +"What did the guy who invented knock knock jokes get","A no bell prize" +"Remembered this from when I was younger Was on a family vacation to the beach and my sister, mom, dad and I were all in a local Ben and Jerry's getting some ice cream. Well the guy in front of us definitely had the Donald Trump hair going on and we all noticed. Out of nowhere, my dad turns around with a straight face and says, I'll pay for the ice cream this time, but you toupee next time. I couldn't help but laugh and my mother had to walk out of the parlor","These comments are the reason why my father is my best friend" +"Don't buy Velcro","It's such a rip-off" +"My doctor shut down his private practice","I guess he just didn't have the patients for it" +"What language does Jello speak","Gelatin" +"A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State building. Don't do it. he yelled","You have so much potential" +"Which of King Arthur's Knights designed the round table","Sir Cumference" +"Can anyone recommend a good house doctor. I just found out that my roof has shingles","Thanks" +"What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married","Cantelopes" +"My father on iPhones Father: Why won't my iPhone charge on this laptop. Me: It needs to install the driver first. Father: Are you sure. It charged just fine in my car. Me: Your car doesn't need a driver. Father: Yes it does. If I ever want to go anywhere. He thinks he is hilarious. I had to hold back the laughter and groans","I couldn't let him think he's funny" +"I tried lying to an X-ray technician","However, he could see right through me" +"Parallel lines","Parallel lines have so much in common, its a shame they will never meet." +"TIL that bamboo can grow up to 6 stories tall. Personally,","I had always thought it could grow up to 7 stories tall, but that's another story." +"Told my father about ISIS losing their capital today","anyone know where they left it" +"I gave up my seat to a pregnant person on the bus","That is how i lost my job as a bus driver" +"If I had £1 for everytime someone told me I was s*;t at maths I'd have £0","67p" +"Two peanuts walking down the street","One of them got “Assaulted”" +"My son said Dad I'm hungry","I said hi hungry i'm Austria do you wanna building an Empire" +"What's a pirates favorite cookie","Ships ahoy" +"The make-and-take breakfast in a mason jar didn't turn out too well. Wife: I think this jar doesn't close properly","Me: Now, now, don't shoot the mason jar" +"I'm cooking dinner and say this thyme smells so good","He says oh, last thyme it didn't?" +"The perfect length of time for a nap is 32 minutes. I've done some pretty exhaustive research on this","Courtesy of my Dad this Thanksgiving" +"I went to the mechanic today for an oil change and they offered a free tire rotation with it…. I declined it saying they already do that when","I drive." +"If there was a game about erectile dysfunction it would be designed by . &#x200B;","&#x200B; Ubisoft" +"Did you hear that Ireland is going to begin broadcasting their own version of Southpark","It's going to be set in Kilkenny" +"What's better than one day","today" +"What do you call a bear with no teeth","A gummi bear" +"Took my daughter to her first dentist appointment. She is a very typical girly-girl -- loves princesses and pink stuff. The dentist says Let's see those pretty princess teeth. to which my natural response was I hope none of them need a crown","" +"An iceberg walks into a bar Orders a single beer and leaves 200 USD Bartender: Wow. That's way too generous","Iceberg: That's just the tip of an iceberg" +"Why do melons have weddings","Because they cantaloupe" +"What kind of bees make milk","Boo Bees" +"What do you call a blind dinosaur","Doyouthinkhesaurus" +"You know the Subaru emblem","It really is stellar" +"Got the girlfriend after packing away the groceries. **GF**: Don't you want to go check why the pantry door isn't closing. **Me**: *Wander over to the pantry, look inside, and spot the culprit immediately. * **GF**: So what was the problem. **Me**: *Slowly take the tin of jam out, and while grinning like an idiot, I look at her and say:* Looks like the door had been jammed","**GF**: *Sighs and rolls her eyes" +"What has two butts and kills people","An assassin" +"Out joked by the wife After getting back from the store, one of the pears we bought was not good upon closer inspection. I cleverly quipped a-pear-ently one of these pears has a dis-pear-ity . Quite pleased, I chuckled to myself oh, me and my dad jokes","my wife looked at me and said, did you say dad jokes or bad jokes" +"Why were the Native Americans the first to come to America","Because they had reservations" +"My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook","So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm" +"Today is 4/20. Isn't it just","January 5th for people who can't reduce fractions?" +"Today my mom opened the pantry and a box of cereal fell off the top shelf and hit her head. Dad (sitting at the kitchen table) *GASP* A CEREAL KILLER","I died" +"Did you hear about the PI that was washing his bedroom","When he saw the pillows he took the case" +"I threw some salt at somebody","Got charged with assault" +"I wanted to grow up to be a pilot. But then","I was told to get my head out of the clouds" +"Someone accidentally mailed me 10 lbs of pot yesterday. So I did the right thing and called the cops","They just came by and picked up all 4 pounds" +"Got my friend today at school I don't exactly remember what led up to it, but we were doing something that involved picking a lot of numbers My friend said, I don't know why I keep saying six. I would normally say eight. Today is just a really weird day for me. To which I replied, I have days like that too","I can rel-six" +"What do you say when you cancel an appointment","Disappointment" +"Did you hear about the guy who invented the Knock-Knock joke","He won the no-bell prize" +"Just dropped this on my mom I was walking in my house with a coat on when my mom said take your coat off, are you freezing","I replied My name isn't freezing it's Stanky_sock" +"My mom just posted on Facebook this exchange she had with my dad while they were preparing to go to a concert Mom: Have you shaved and showered for tonight. Dad: Yup. Mom: Do you know what you're wearing","Dad: Do you mean right now" +"(Heard this joke from somewhere) What do you call an army of babies","The infantry" +"Girlfriend did not appreciate this one We grabbed some ice cream after dinner, in the car she smacked her lips and said Coldstone is really rich. To which I replied Well, I'm sure. They have stores all over the U","Then she got a look in her eye like she really wanted to hit me" +"What do you call a miniature Yoda","A Toyota" +"What do you call it when you wipe your derrier with a Sham Wow","Shampoo" +"How do you know when a chili pepper is getting a bit too nosey","When it starts getting jalapeno business" +"My daughter won't eat anything besides her boogers","She's a picky eater" +"Dad slyly snuck this in and thought no one heard him. Me: Did you guys take any pictures back then. (Asking about my parents in the 70's and 80's) Mom: No, I don't think so. we didn't have a camera. Me: Was this before cameras were a thing. Dad: Nah, it was B. Before cameras","And I got so mad I almost smothered him with a pillow" +"My dad's joke: Why do farts smell","For the benefit of the deaf" +"Missing porch","I was walking my dog with my dad the other day and a neighbour was getting his porch removed so my dad said looks like someone is getting an a-porch-tion" +"Happy New Year Everyone","I'll remember 2015 like it was yesterday" +"I read an article today about a long distance race that starts in Sweden and ends in Finland","The winner is the first person to cross the Finnish line" +"What do you call a cow that can go 3000 feet per second. A bull-ette","(A joke my son said, being posted by the dad" +"Why is the letter B so cool","Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC" +"Do we have any bananas","yea, we have a bunch of them" +"My son asked me why. I took the desk into the bathroom. Told him it's because it's the only place","I get shit done" +"I hear that wearing glasses helps with math","Because it helps with da-vision" +"Lava is the hipster of the geology community","It knew how to rock before it was cool." +"It's a shame the scoreline for the. Italy-Switzerland match isnt the other way round. That would've been so much","SUIITA" +"At a wedding reception. . now, if everybody could raise their glasses","Mom: I don't have a glass, but I have a bottle Dad: takes glasses off, raises in air Everybody at table: Facepalms" +"I told the builder I didn't want carpeted steps","He gave me a blank stair" +"I just saw some guys laying concrete in front of an elementary school","They were paving the way for our youth" +"Momjoked. I called my mom out on a lie and said liar liar pants on fire","She quipped with i better go get my panty hose then" +"What happens when a clown farts","It smells funny" +"So,. I've been a single father, and went on a date with a girl named China . There were","SO many red flags." +"Why is the ocean salty","Because the land never waves back" +"What breed is the dog of a magician","A labracadabrador" +"What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter","An irrelephant" +"How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke","The punchline becomes a parent" +"When does a dad joke become a dad joke","When it's apparent" +"How are your fingers. I was skiing and got onto a chairlift with a father and his son (around 6 years old). The father was asking if his son's fingers were still cold. His son, looking visibly upset said They were okay, but I had forgot about them and just mentioning my fingers made them start hurting again. Don't say another word about my fingers. You could hear the gears turning, and I watched the smirk form on the father's face as he proudly stated Another word about my fingers","His son burst into tears" +"A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him. He's the new temp","Seems like a cool guy" +"Here’s an original one I just came up with just now while watching the Behind the Curve flat earth conspiracy documentary on Netflix. It made me realize that I am a flat eyeball conspiracist","They’re just optical illusions" +"I thought about trying to write a short story","But I'm not sure if people will be interested in a hero that's only 5'2" +"I said, Who would want to live next to a cemetery. To which my dad replied, At least the neighbors are nice and quiet. I groaned. Edit: Told him about the post's popularity. He added, Living next to a cemetery would be a very grave situation","That joke killed me" +"Need content. I found out today. I'm going to be a dad,","I need some good jokes!" +"Dark. Humor is like food","Not everyone gets it" +"My wife hit me with a top-tier dad joke. Jackson Browne's Loadout/Stay was on the radio. My wife said, Did he do this song when you saw him in concert. I replied, No, actually he didn't do any encore at all. She said, If I went to a concert and they didn't do an encore, I'd leave. She immediately started elbowing me in my ribs to make sure I got it. I laughed about it the whole drive home","I'm so proud of her" +"I met a really nice girl who plays in goals","She's a keeper" +"Hey you know how a mix between a donkey and a horse is a mule","Does the make it a half ass horse" +"What did they say to force the city's leader to take a vacation","This mayor may not work" +"Did you hear about the crime in the elevator","It was wrong at so many levels" +"This sub is disappointing me lately","I'm going to try the meatballs next time" +"I’ve just completed a self defense course…","I wouldn’t recommend anyone attack me in slow motion now…" +"If the Russian ruler was called the Tsar and his wife was the Tsarina, what were their children called","Tsardines" +"My dad needed the Heimlich maneuver from accidentally swallowing his food after telling a joke at dinner","Ah, dad chokes" +"Got told my coffee smelt like a garden centre","replied: well i'm not surprised it was ground this morning" +"What did the mummy say after his therapy session","Thanks doc, it was so hard keeping all that under wraps" +"I was going to make a joke about introverts, but you wouldn't get it","It's an inside joke" +"Why am I scared of shadows","They seem kinda shady" +"Why did the student not learn anything at Sandpaper Class","The class had just scratched the surface" +"Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road","It got stuck in a crack" +"Proud father here, had to post I promised my 15 year old son I'd get him the password to his online driver's training course. My wife just planted some tomato plants and was bitching because the garden hose in back was split and she couldn't water them. I said Okay, I'll go buy a hose, but I have to take care of [boy child] first. bros before hose Hahahaha","bros before hose" +"conversation with my daughter My daughter and I had this conversation last night: me: 67 is a prime number. I'm 67 years old. That means I'm in the prime of my life. her: 67 is also an odd number, and you are odd. me: all prime numbers are odd, except for two. her: which two. me: 2 I got her on that one. We laughed for a couple of minutes. I guess you're never too old for dad jokes",":)" +"GPS. Navigation system; 'Bare left after 300 yards' Dad; Oh my God take cover, there's a massive grizzly bear on the left","' We were in Central London" +"A woman walks up and says. are you the father of these little sweet potatoes","He says, I yam" +"Medical papers So, my mom received some medical papers in the mail. Nothing we didn't already know. Just routine stuff. Anyway, at the top of the page is printed: **Patient Name: Elizabeth Bennet** *(Obviously not her real name",")* And my dad reads this, and says to her, If your patient name is Elizabeth Bennet, is your impatient name just Lizzie" +"how does nasa prepare for their parties","they planet" +"A girl tells her friend she slept with a Brazilian. A girl tells her friend she slept with a Brazilian","Her friend replies Woah how many is that" +"Did you know Cardi B has a sister who’s an athletic trainer","Her name is Cardi O" +"The apprentice has become the master My dad was talking about his college calculus class Dad: I could barely understand my calculus professor. He was always speaking Chinese Me: Are you sure he was speaking Chinese or was it just all Greek to you. Everyone except my dad groaned","He was beaming with pride" +"What did one plate say to the other plate","Dinner is on me" +"A bloke on a tractor has just driven passed me shouting, The end of the world is nigh","I think it was Farmer Geddon" +"Lego and my wife Our five-year-old son proudly presents us with a Lego minifig with a giant circular sawblade on its head. ME: Hey, that guy's got a nice hat. WIFE: Yeah, it should be called a sawmbrero","ME: :T" +"I went out with on a date with a girl I haven't seen in a few weeks and since then I have started growing a beard","When I saw her she said the beard was new— I said give it time it'll grow on you, it grew on me" +"A cat walks into a bar. meowch","Posted on behalf of my husband who just told this joke to our cat" +"Can anyone tell me who the actor who played Forrest Gump was","Hanks in advance" +"Did you guys hear the news about the corduroy pillow","It's making headlines" +"I'd love to have a job like Schrödinger's cat's","Dead or alive, it sounds like a super position" +"Why don't pencils win races","Because they're stationary" +"I have a confession. I smoked over the weekend","In my defense, it was the best chicken I've ever tasted" +"Not a dad but I needed help at the grocery store I couldn't find eggs at the grocery store, and there was a cute retail worker there. I went up to here saying: *egg*cuse me, do you know where I can find some *eggs*","Sadly, I don't think she got it" +"Dad, can you help me with my math. Dad - What do you need help with . Son - I’m supposed to find the common denominator… Dad- What the hell, you still haven’t found it","We were looking for that when I was in school" +"A weasel walks into a bar; what does he order","Pop" +"Ever tried blind archery","You don't know what you are missing" +"What do you call a man with a shovel on his head","Doug" +"Did you hear that the Mets, Cardinals, and Rays can't serve beer at their games this year. They lost the opener","^^^^my ^^^^dad ^^^^tells ^^^^me ^^^^this ^^^^joke ^^^^every ^^^^damn ^^^^year" +"I dropped my hamburger on the floor :( Now that's what. I call","GROUND beef!" +"my daughter dad joked me I'm going through r/dadjokes to find some appropriate for an 8yo","She tried to take my phone and I tell her she can't because there are some with dirty words and her awesome reply is They didn't take a shower" +"I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey. But then","I turned around" +"Got trains, Coral. http://imgur","com/fRNmkQk" +"The cops questioned me about the dangerous hacker on the loose","I think he ransomware" +"My wife told me I would hurt my arm beating the eggs so hard","I told her, Don't worry, it's worth the whisk" +"My friends must think I am super supportive","they keep calling me bra" +"Emergency. I lost 20% of my sight","*sigh*" +"What type of corn grows the tallest. An acorn",":D" +"Saw a sign at a mall kiosk recently; Watch. Batteries. Installed, $5","Couldn't help but wonder why anyone would pay to see that." +"Why is divorce so expensive","Because it's worth it" +"I just watched a program about beavers","It was the best dam program I've ever seen" +"Why did the Mexican take Xanax","For Hispanic attacks" +"There was a kidnapping at school,","It’s okay though he woke up." +"I can't decide which blender to buy","They all have mixed reviews" +"What do you mean June is over","Julying" +"How much does a pirate pay for his earrings","A buccaneer" +"I did everything I could to get my wife to make love to me. At least I gave it my best effort","Before hand" +"Once, I was a boy trapped in a girl’s body","Then my mom gave birth" +"Oh no, we didn't buy lettuce","How could you lettuce forget" +"What did the priest say when he saw the Notre Dame on fire","Holy Smokes" +"Literally my first words to my wife this morning My wife woke me up this morning to ask me if I wanted a breakfast wrap. Her: You want a wrap. Me: I'm white, so I'm not too good at it, but I can try","The disappointed look on her face was magical" +"Did you know birds don’t fly southwest","They don’t want to be beaten and dragged out of the plane" +"Knock knock. Dishes","Dishes a very bad joke" +"I asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite","he said NaBro" +"My father was a croupier","I learnt a great deal from him" +"Why didn't the prawn like sharing","Because it was a little shellfish" +"Rest in peace, boiling water","You will be mist" +"Why did the musician break into song","Because he forgot the key" +"Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin","They both rely on the batter" +"Whenever grandpa was questioned. I may not be right, but I am never wrong, except that one time","I thought I was wrong, but I was really right" +"Did you hear about the psychic midget that broke out of prison","The headline read small medium at large" +"People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad","But people who rob bakeries really take the cake" +"There are two words in my life that has opened many doors for me","Push and pull" +"Free wifi. Why. Was Mr","Wifi wrongfully accused or something" +"What’s ET short for","Because he’s only got tiny legs" +"How do you keep an idiot in suspense. How. Well. Are you going to tell me. Why are you walking away without telling me. Forget it","I didn’t want to know anyway" +"How do you make holy water","You boil the hell out of it" +"What did the tie say to the hat","You go on ahead, I’ll hang around" +"Mountains aren’t just funny","They’re hill areas" +"What's a stoner's favorite vegetable","POTato" +"I almost ate rabbit for supper tonight , but someone took the last piece","I was a hare away" +"Why didn’t the oak tree talk to anyone","It didn’t want to dialogue" +"I was walking down the street And I saw a man doing something sort of funny. He was standing next to two big piles of aluminum cans. He seemed to have all kinds, Coke, Pepsi, Sprite, store brand, it didnt matter. One pile was intact cans, and the other was crushed. I was curious, so I asked him what it was all about. He told me he was out of work, and to make ends meet, he recycled cans. The folks in the neighborhood knew him, and brought their empties by. He refused beer cans, it was too hard on him as a recovering alcoholic. He was out there 12 hours a day, seven days a week. Collecting cans and crushing them. Recycling them at 50 cents per pound. He told me he preferred it to begging because it was honest work. As I walked away, I genuinely felt bad for the guy. His whole life was soda pressing","Edit: cleaned up some autocorrect errors" +"My dad shared a post of a sheep with a seat on it titled: “FOR SALE RIDE ON LAWNMOWER £300”","His friend in the comments asked what it ran on He simply replied “Baaaaa trey”" +"wanna hear a vegetable joke","never mind, i don’t think your mom will lettuce hear it" +"The bar won't serve 'Corey Taylor' whiskey on rocks","Because he pushes his fingers into his ice" +"I told my mate I swallowed two bits of string and when I pooped them out they were tied together. He didn't believe me and said You're lying. I say","It's the truth, I shit you knot" +"Why do birds fly south during winter","Cuz it's too far to walk" +"No matter how hard you push the envelope","It'll always be stationery" +"Chemistry jokes are the best","But sometimes you just gotta Barium because all the good ones Argon" +"Why did the DJ go to Costco","For the samples" +"Have any of you guys seen the show Constipation on Netflix. Oh wait, that's right","It hasn't come out yet" +"National park ranger dad jokes the whole family We were sightseeing at Yellowstone and we asked a ranger for some recommendations on where to go. There's this really cool tall cliff called Poison Cliff nearby. You wanna know why it was given that name. . because one drop will kill ya","The highlight of our time at Yellowstone" +"I bought some stock in Bose the other day","It was a sound investment" +"Saw a busted ladder on the freeway. Guess it's not part of the 12-step program anymore","It *really* fell off the wagon" +"What did the Sweet Potato say when it gained consciousness","I think therefore I Yam" +"Dad, there's a hole in my sock. How would you put it on if it wasn't there, genius. he said, turned around and chuckled","Thanks dad" +"You can tune a piano but","you can't tuna fish" +"Just got back from the doctors. Been diagnosed with Tinnitus","Not sure I like the sound of that" +"Did you hear about the guy who jumped off of the Empire State Building and fell through a manhole","(X-Post /r/meanjokes) He commited sewercide" +"My lizard can't have babies","He has a reptile dysfunction." +"What musical note does a piano make when falling down a mine shaft","a flat minor" +"Is this subreddit dead","I haven't seen a single post ALL YEAR" +"So far, in 2019, I'm down 100 pounds","I'm going to cancel my membership on this low stakes UK gambling website" +"I booked a table at a new restaurant, but when we arrived we discovered it was filthy","Despite my reservations, we ate there anyway" +"Why do dogs float in water","Because there good buoys" +"My wife and I were having sexual intercourse in the back of her car. A policeman showed up, knocked on the glass and said, What on earth is this. It's called a window, I replied","Stupid man" +"What's the difference between a good joke. and a bad joke","Timing" +"Lunch time Was trying to figure out if I had time to go grab lunch before a deployment at work: Me: do I have time to grab lunch before this deployment. Coworker: Yeah definitely, go eat. Me: Okay, cool, I was just trying to see if I could eat something more than a bag of almonds today. Coworker: Aw but almonds are so good. They're full of protein and good stuff. Me: Yeah, but almonds for lunch. That's nuts","*groans throughout the office*" +"Why did the foot fetishist become a video editor","Because he loves to stare at footage" +"Wife's tooth fell out Wife texted me while I was at work Wife: My tooth fell out. I have to get a crown Me: I think a tiara would be much better for you She laugh groaned and the dentist heard her and asked what","So my wife told her and she laugh groaned also" +"Chain-dadjoked my friend this evening Friend: I have to go out and buy a new tire for my car tomorrow. Me: That sounds tiring. Friend: *groan* Yeah, it will cost $200. Me: Why are you buying from a tyrant. *Long pause* Friend: I'm not even going to respond to that. (A few minutes later) Me: I'm sorry about the jokes, but you made it too easy to keep them rolling","Friend: Please stop" +"Let me be frank","I'm a hotdog" +"What's an alcoholics favorite book","Tequila mockingbird" +"When my son refused to take a nap, the police got involved","Understandable, since he was *resisting a rest" +"Every time we order a square pizza. Every time. Dad: Want to know why this is the best pizza place in town. Me: *sigh* Why, Dad","Dad: Because they don't cut corners" +"What do you call a bird looking at lettuce","Chicken sees-a salad" +"How does coffee help you in the morning","It makes me coffeedent" +"My dad was telling me about a documentary he was watching on how boats are held together","It was riveting" +"If you suck at playing the trumpet","That's probably why." +"Are you joking","No I'm Steve King, Joe Kings brother" +"Dorm-mate wondering what kind of pasta to buy for dinner","I told him to think of all the pastabillities" +"Invisible Man Job Offer Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer","&#x200B; He couldn't see himself doing it" +"I asked my dad a question today saying, Was it hard to get so fat","He said, Nah man, piece of cake" +"Why was Captain Hook such a bad swordsman","He lost all his first hand experience" +"My dad found a nest in the garage. Not sure if this is against the rules or not. Gallery below https://imgur","com/gallery/4Kw1g" +"Thanks for the motivation, Dad. http://i. imgur. com/MBvyFNm","jpg" +"I overheard my son say, “TECHNOLOGY. CAN. SUCK. MY. DICK” and. I thought","Wow, we’ve cum so far" +"And she did it AGAIN. (Mildly NSFW) We were headed to bed a minute ago after I showed them my latest [Dadjoke post](http://www. reddit. com/r/dadjokes/comments/2tladf/dadjoked_again_by_the_wife/). Wife #1 said Are you Coming. Wife #2 responded with I would hope he would wait until we are in the bedroom","I swear I need to have a tape recorder going" +"How to catch a polar bear 1. Dig a hole in the ice 2. Put peas around the hole 3. Wait until the polar bear goes to get a pea 4","Go behind him and kick him in the ice hole" +"Why couldn't the musical note drink his beer","Because he was A minor" +"Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory in France","De-brie was everywhere" +"Dad joked my gf driving earlier. We were driving through the city, stuck trawling through traffic and she spots a centre for learning sign language, only opened recently by the looks of it. I never knew that was there she says. I said I know. Not many people have heard about its opening","She was not impressed" +"I am terrified of elevators","I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them" +"What do you call a trashy lawyer","A littergator" +"Did you hear the one about the turkey that was so big none of the other turkeys would play with him","He was ostrich-sized" +"Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth;","It's pasteurized before you even see it." +"I have a split personality.","said Tom, being frank" +"I wanted to make a fishing joke","But none of them were reel-ly good" +"Confucius say","Man who farts in church sit in *pew*" +"The ocean flushed out a lot of seaweed","I guess you could say the tides were pretty high" +"I knew what would happen when I cut half of that octopus' legs off","It was a four-gone conclusion" +"I stole this girl's heart","I was arrested shortly after for murder" +"A dad replied to a comment on a /r/AskReddit thread titled Customers of restaurants that's appeared on Gordon Ramsey's kitchen nightmares, what was the food actually like before and after the show helped the resturant. https://www. reddit. com/r/AskReddit/comments/4stjtt/customers_of_restaurants_thats_appeared_on_gordon/d5c5il9","context=1" +"My Granddaughter and I just watched Frozen. Now she won't stop singing songs from the movie","I wish she would just Let It Go" +"My country just had a horrific civil war","We won" +"Sent a text to my kid, What does this IDK mean. Kid: I don't know. Me: I've been asking everyone","I'll never figure this out -- no one knows" +"My friend got me with the worst knock-knock joke of all time Friend: Knock-knock. Me: . Who's there. Friend: Daisy","Me: Daisy wh- Friend: DAISY ME ROLLIN, DEY HATINNNN" +"I saw my ex-girlfriend standing on the other side of the museum, but I didn’t go and say hi","There was just too much history between us" +"I‘m a kleptomaniac. When it‘s really bad,","I gotta take something for it." +"Wanna know why I don’t like sausages","Because they are the wurst" +"How do locomotives know where they're going","Lots of training" +"What do philosophers use to get to work","Their train of thought" +"Why did the Mexican take a Xanax","For Hispanic attacks" +"Dad just said this. So like 2 minutes ago I was brushing my teeth, my dad walks in and does a massive fart. Me: im outta here. Dad: no, you have plenty of it. Me: what. Dad: on your head, you have a head full","Classic dad" +"Fires in the Smoky Mountains","Just God making a dad joke" +"A dad consoling his son during finals week http://i. imgur. com/YxgNZio","png" +"and Mrs. Einstein had two kids. Albert: Genius","Frank; Monster creator" +"Got a classmate. Her: Why does this piece of rope have so many random knots in it. Me: Well, why knot","Groans were had by all involved" +"Wasn't sure my dad game was strong enough But this morning, my wife was struggling to take a picture of our one year old when I she frustratingly said, I don't know how to get the flash off. To which I absentmindedly replied, I think you gotta be Wonder Woman or something","She was not the least bit amused, but I've never felt more like a dad" +"When I was a kid my sister shattered her elbow and was taken to the hospital","When my dad arrived, he said this is for if you ever need a new one and gave her a box of elbow macaroni noodles" +"What do you call a clown who is smart with his money","Pennywise" +"If a snail loses its shell does it become faster. No, it gets a bit more sluggish","Heard it on Round Planet from Netflix" +"Today is delivery day at work Background- I work in a cafe, and we use wholegrain mustard for our sandwiches. Cut to my boss waving a jar of Dijon: What is this. This isn't what I ordered. Me: Well that won't","cut the mustard He looked disappointed in me" +"What do you call a potion that turns you into a cat","Cat-a-tonic" +"Have you ever done anything good. St. Peter asked a guy when he showed up at the Pearly Gates. To protect a young girl I punched the leader of a motorcycle gang, kicked his bike over, and told them all to back off. said the man. St. Peter was impressed, When did you do this","Oh, just a couple of minutes ago" +"I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent","He was dead on a rival" +"Mom didn't like my joke about asses. So I surgery for removing a pilonidal cyst, which is basically removing a cyst on the top part of your ass and it leaves a big hole that they sew shut. Well I'm hanging out at home and my mom asks how I'm feeling, to which I replied","pretty good now that I have a excuse to half ass things now haha She sent me to my room" +"My tutor dadjoked me today. We were doing proofs, and as some of you may know, there are two column proofs and flow chart proofs. This is how my conservation with him went. Tutor: What are these boxes for. mKulkarni: These are for flow chart proofs. Tutor: Why don't you just do two column proofs. mKulkarni: My teacher said we have to do flow chart proofs","Tutor: Alright then, just go with the flow" +"I was thinking about buying some bags but they are not good at all","They sac" +"0 is way more alone than 10","Because he has no 1" +"I couldn't decide what footwear to put on this morning","I have too many to shoes from" +"{air horn sound} {second air horn sound}","Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”" +"So I just downloaded a copy of the Queen movie Bohemian Rhapsody","I think it was filmed in the theatre though as I see a little silhouetto of a man" +"What is the kardashian's mansion called","Silicon valley" +"Why are skeletons so calm","Because nothing gets under their skin" +"Got my girlfriend just now. Lying in bed with her and I was looking into her eyes. I blew on her forehead and she asks what are you doing","and I say I just blew your mind" +"What happens on a clear day in Los Angeles","UCLA" +"My wife and I were talking about King Louis XIV. We were talking about how he had to have things a certain way to distract people so they wouldn't rise against him. Her: He was really strict about things being a certain way. He was an anal freak. Me: I believe that was his brother","Commence the biggest eye-roll you've ever seen" +"Yesterday. I was so hungry. I ate a clock","It was pretty time consuming" +"Why was the poker player's closet messy","Because he never wanted to fold" +"What do business people wear in Thailand","Suit & Thai" +"What do you call a white crow","Caw-casian" +"My girlfriend is a genius Me: Your ears are so soft. Her: I have Dumbo ears. Me: No, you have Dumbo's mom's ears. Normal sized","Her: That's ear-elephant" +"What Does Kris Kringle Wear Hunting","Santaflage" +"I do not like stubborn Minotaurs","They're bullheaded" +"When is a door not a door","When it is ajar" +"Sometimes I fantasize about quitting my job and going to work in an oyster bar","but I heard the work kinda shucks" +"When you’re outside the bathroom, you’re an American. What are you when you’re on the inside","European" +"I’ve been thinking about getting rid of my vacuum cleaner","It’s just gathering dust" +"How many lumps of sugar does Winnie the Pooh like","Half-a-lump" +"I have a pet frog named Kermit","He's mupet" +"Why does a miner tell jokes","Because it’s comedy GOLD" +"Did you know pool cleaners don't require any training","They just dive right in" +"What triggers a Spanish man's Fight or Flight response","His-Panic" +"When more than 1 person are debating","Is it called mass debating?" +"I’m not the best at chemistry. But when it comes to sodium or potassium. I kind of have a","NaK for it" +"What would a person, who boasts about speaking multiple languages, be called","A polygloat" +"2017 has come and it's absolutely incredible","I haven't seen a repost all year" +"What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi","People in Dubai don't like the Flinstones but people from Abu Dhabi Do" +"As. I suspected, someone's been adding soil in my yard","The plot thickens." +"I'm really happy with my new job in the mine","I'm really digging it" +"Worth the read. He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine. Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas. You know what. No, said the executioner. I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now. Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said, Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it","I'm just a bad conductor" +"I bought my son a toy spider. Off. The","Web" +"What was Hitlers 4 digit PIN number","9999" +"Windmills","Big fan" +"Was driving to pick up a car from the garage with my dad We went to pick up my mom's red Fiat 500, and as we turned right my dad remarked on a green Fiat that passed by us. He said: I guess that one isn't ripe yet","I chuckled" +"What are Daisy Ridley's favorite type of sunglasses","Rey-Bans" +"In my Neuroanatomy lecture today. Professor: Are you familiar with the nucleus ambiguus. My loud response: It's ambiguous","*crickets*" +"What do you call a horse that moves around a lot","Unstable" +"Dad sense at an early age - Part Deux My son got me again: Son: Daddy, I know Japanese. Me: You know Japanese, do you","Son: Yes, I know Japanese and also the word Chinese, and French" +"Woke up to a tap on the door this morning","Funny sense of humour my plummer has" +"How many peaches grow on a tree","All of them" +"I hate the wind so much","It really blows" +"A man walks into a bar. On his way to the bartender he hears someone say “Nice shoes” he looks around and cant see anyone. He continues walking and hears “Nice Shirt” again he looks around and there is no one in sight. He finally makes his way to the bartender and says “Mate I have to tell you this bar is extremely nice, but am I hearing voices. I keep hearing someone saying nice shoes, nice shirt but there is no one around","” The bartender said “oh dont worry about that, its just the peanuts, they are complimentary”" +"Wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it","We had some drinks, cool guy, he wants to be a web developer" +"How do you kill a circus","Cut the juggler" +"Was watching a NOVA documentary on Petra: the Lost City of Stone. The intro ended with a question: How did the Nabataeans build this city of stone","From the back of the room I hear my dad say: “clearly they built it on **rock** and roll” *sigh*" +"My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture","I have a hunch it might be me" +"I feel bad. Everytime. I walk in and out of my house. I step on my good friend","Mat." +"What do you call a belt made of clocks","A waist of time" +"I like to dissapoint. “Screw you point","You are the dullest point I’ve ever seen" +"I ate chips & salsa with a friend once. While we were eating, she accidentally knocked the bottle over when going in for another dip","I exclaimed to her: Pick up the Pace" +"I got frostbit and my hand fell off, then my girlfriend left me","But now I'm all right" +"What did Genghis Kahn's mother tell him after he destroyed Xi Xia","Just because you Genghis Khan, doesn't mean you Genghis Should" +"I am so tired of seeing reposts So here is an [original post](https://www. reddit. com/user/Anthonybrose/comments/beoj95/original_post/","utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)" +"My dad asked me if I had ever had Himalayan possum before","I asked him what Himalayan possum was and he said, Oh you know, it's the kind of possum you find on the road and him a laying there" +"Dad joke on moms day I was out at dinner with my family, and this popped into my head. So i ask do dogs ever leave. My family is looking at me pretty confused at this point. of course not. They embark","sister and mom shake their heads, my dad merely chuckles" +"An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran An Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a bar","The doorman stops them and says sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai" +"Me: 1 manager: 0 I'm a college kid that works fast food part time to pay the bills. However, I managed to get two of my friends jobs there aswell, and our manager is pretty cool. So we have good times there and it's never quiet. Anyway, I was bagging up an order, and my manager thought it would be funny to follow me and tell me exactly how to do everything; open the bag, put the box in the bag, receipt in the bag, blah blah blah and so on. Once I had handed out the order, she was like, Alright job, thanks to me . I responded, Oh yeah you were great. They should promote you to micromanager","Got a good laugh out of everybody, and it will be on my life's highlight reel if I have anything to say about it" +"Dad strikes this line, while in line at a theme park last year. (We see butterfly near flowers) Dad: Hey, you think that's a butterfly. or a margarine fly","(LAUGHS) (groaning proceeds)" +"A married customer had sex with her taxi driver. What was the payment called","A fare" +"Dadjoked by Agent K","Watching MIB3: Agent K: This coffee tastes like dirt Agent J: What do you expect it was ground yesterday" +"What did the fish in the tank say to the other fish","How do you drive this thing" +"Someone ripped the pages out of both ends of my dictionary today","It just goes from bad to worse" +"What was the most used file format in the French Revolution","exe" +"I’m not super experienced with wood carving","I only know a whittle" +"STOP. Stop. Stop, stop. You were four warned","&nbsp; *Edit: I'm fourtunate for the upvotes" +"My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year. ” I said, “I’m not sure","It’s so hard to keep track" +"To whoever stole my dictionary","I'm at a loss for words." +"Have you heard about the chameleon that couldn't change colors","He had e-reptile dysfunction" +"My dad's take on USB flash drives Dad: What does USB stand for. Me: Universal Serial Bus. Dad then throws the USB stick he was holding up in the air and catches it as it falls","Dad: Does that mean that I just caught the Bus" +"A mathematician walks into a church to confess. He says to the priest, Forgive me. Father, for","I have sined." +"This is this sub in a nutshell [This sub in a nutshell](https://imgur","com/gallery/rStg9An)" +"My daughter asked if I am going to die someday. I said Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life","She looked relieved" +"Where should a dog go when it has lost its tail","The retail store" +"[NSFW] I went for a job interview to become a blacksmith yesterday. The interviewer asked me if I’d ever shoed a horse","I said no, but I once told a donkey to fuck off" +"I saw a guy running down the street with a giant letter F","I thought to myself, hes getting the f outta here" +"Why has your shoe got a hole in it. *It doesnt","* > Then how'd you get your foot in it silly" +"You know when you see birds flying in a V and one side is longer than the other. Do you know why that is","Because there's more birds on that side" +"Every phone call on a weekday. *Call Dad* Dad: Hey. What's up. Me: Not much. Just got out of class. Dad: You peasant","You have no class" +"Crazy Weather Kid says: Wow that a lot of snow. Do you think we'll think we'll get three feet","Dad: That will make it hard to walk -- All my boots and shoes are pairs" +"What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car","Carlos" +"A mime broke his left arm in a bar fight and got arrested","He still has the right to remain silent" +"A morbid dad joke while waiting at the pharmacy My wife and I were waiting in line at the pharmacy to get her some of the good stuff from behind the counter. When she's sick she can be a little overly dramatic. Her: I think I'm dying, do they make anything for that","Me: Funerals" +"How do you wake up Lady Gaga","Pa-pa-pa pa-pa-pa-pa pa-poke her face" +"Have you heard of the Roman god of sewing","His name is Uripides (you rippa dees)" +"I dadjoked my boyfriend at Menards today. So I went to Menards with my boyfriend and his family today because they were getting cat litter. At Menards there is a little box painted on the floor that says Place Freight Here . I stepped on it, and my boyfriend says, Are your freight. I replied, I'm a-freight not","He wouldn't talk to me until we left because he was in shock/shame that his girlfriend was his dad now" +"It’s okay to not have your keys when you’re locked out from your house","As long as you have your phone with you Because communication is the key" +"Got my girlfriend today. And i ain't even a dad. She came over to my house for a bit tonight and were getting kinda frisky. Her glasses fell off the top of her head and got tangled in her hair and we had to stop to get them out. When she finally did, she said Sorry my hairs a little knotty. Without skipping a beat i said I love it when you're 'knotty'. Que the end of frisky times","Worth it" +"Is this pool safe for diving","it deep ends" +"My son asked me, If you could have any super-power, which one would you have","I said, America" +"What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance","The deep friar" +"Is that a booger on your face","No, it's snot" +"I don't want to sound like a bitch, but","*woof woof*" +"What did one Japanese bee say to the other","Wasabi" +"My dad on Navy SEALs. I was watching Captain Phillips with my parents: Mom: That Navy SEAL looks a bit too chubby to be a SEAL. Dad: Maybe he's a Navy Walrus","Hilarious, dad, hilarious" +"How did the hippie drown","He was to far out" +"Dad, how do you even know what that is. I was riding in a car with my parents for a day at the lake for memorial day. Mom is driving, Dad is watching YouTube videos on his phone. Someone does that retired dab meme where you cough into your elbow and my Dad laughs. Little sister: Dad, how do you even know what that means. My Dad is silent for a second then gets a huge grin. Dad: Oh. Let's just say I dabble","We groan so loud there was a bear advisory" +"I asked my family Canadad travel to the. Great. White. North . My children replied Yukon , but my wife was having","Nunavut." +"A woman in my town was arrested for beating her husband with a flashlight","She is charged with assault, and the flashlight is charged with battery" +"Police in my town are looking for a crazy man. He was last seen trying to have sex with the laundry machine","Nut screws washer and bolts" +"You know what I hate. How Formula 1 aficionados despise anyone who mispronounce the name for the series of races that they have","They are such Prix about it" +"Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself","It was two tired" +"Waiter: Do you wanna box for that. You: I don't box","How about a quick round of poker" +"As if I needed any more justification that my wife is a keeper. Me: I have a cut on my forehead and I don't know why","Wife: Probably because you cut it" +"Want to hear a joke about ADHD","So a guy who walked up to" +"Does a giga byte","Not if you pet it nicely" +"How do you clean Waterproof clothes","You dry clean them :D :( Karen please bring back the kids" +"What did the Gorilla say when he saw there was a sale happening. Ooh. OOh","OOOh" +"Did you hear the joke about a bed","It hasen't been made yet" +"My 5 year old son says he thinks he's a Nazi after seeing a WWII documentary","Because he doesn't like juice" +"The new guy at work must be a dad. We got a new guy at work sitting across from me. My boss stood up and says I'm gonna run up to the bank real quick. Without missing a beat he looks her in the eyes and says You should probably take your car, it would be a lot faster","I'm gonna like this new guy" +"Co worker just dad joked another Co worker We were all on our way to lunch. The driver has young children and sometimes has to move the car seat to the trunk so everyone can fit","Co worker 1: do you have a car seat in the back Co worker 2: Yeah but I think you are big enough to use a seat belt" +"After the earthquake tonight in California I had to calm my girlfriend down so I threw this one at her. What group of Early Americans loved seismic events","The Quakers" +"Apparently. Donald. Trump wants to ban pre-packaged shredded cheese. He wants to. Make. America. Grate","Again" +"How. To. Be. Cool:. A). Cool. Sunglasses. Emoji","B)" +"It says we just need to heat the oven How are we going to manage​ that","We're going to need another, even bigger oven" +"Had an unexpected confrontation with death today. Damn bug flew right into my eye","I’m still trying to get some closure" +"Practice safe calculations","Don't drink and derive" +"What are gorillas favorite fruit","Ape-ricots" +"A theif has been stealing all the wheels from police cars","The police has been working tirelessly to get him" +"Astronauts only eat popsicles","because in space no one can hear the ice scream" +"My. SO was taking way too long to decide which salsa to buy. So. I told her to pick up the","Pace" +"A friend of mine collects blunt pencils","Personally I find his hobby a bit pointless" +"How many hearing impaired people does it take to change a light bulb","Watt" +"What did the pirate say when he turned 80","Aye matey" +"I wrote a song about a tortilla","Actually it was a wrap" +"What do you call someone who posts lies frequently for free up-votes","A Karma Chameleon" +"There's nothing more exciting than sitting by an open window on a cold day","I get goosebumps every time." +"Studies show men don’t get enough fiber in their diet","Tough shit" +"Have you ever seen a Himalayan opossum. I saw one on the way home","Himalayan in the street" +"At the hospital with my wife. Me: I hope you pass your blood test . Her: I hope. I get straight. A's","Me: Well it's your blood type, so you better!" +"Dad joked my boss Yesterday while building a small bridge I was drilling pilot holes and as I was taking out the drill bit my boss says: Careful its probably very hot It is, a bit","I found it a lot funnier than he did" +"Girlfriend just got me. I was at the dentist office for a morning appointment, just got home and my girlfriend said this: Why did you go in the morning. Why not tooth-hurty. I should get a plaque for that, or maybe a crown. This one is a keeper","*edit:* grammar" +"I only believe in 12","5 percent of the Bible I guess you can call me an eightheist" +"My wife made me so proud. Commercial came on for the new 24 Legacy show. Wife: You going to watch it. Me: Not sure. It doesn't have jack in it","Wife: Nope, it has Black Jack in it" +"I have trained them well, now the wife is in on it. Me: (after a long hot weekend) I need to get a fan. Wife: Woo. You're the best","Gooooo husband" +"Political dad joke In Australia, there is a fairly well known Labor Party senator called Penny Wong. Today my dad saw me reading something online about a much less well known Green Party senator named Penny Wright","On noticing the name, he says to me With all these Penny's in the senate, I can't tell Wright from Wong" +"Did you hear about the punk rock knife It's really edgy","But only to a point" +"A nurse was eating a Babybel cheese If you don't know what that is, it's a small cheese wheel that comes wrapped in red wax that you're supposed to peel before eating. I see her eating it and say you know you can eat the wax on those. She says oh really. Would you like it","(Offering me the wax) I say thank you, but I'm wax-tose intolerant" +"I hear people from. Illinois get mad when you pronounce the. S,","It really ill-annoys them." +"I posted this to /r/Surface, they didn't understand. https://www. reddit","com/r/Surface/comments/5n90x6/make_any_surface_an_android_touch_screen/" +"Dad already knows who will win the 2015 Super Bowl","The team with the most points" +"We couldn't find our checkbook to pay the gardener","So we payed him in hedge funds" +"How Do You Pick Up a Girl. [Answer here](https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=WqiZAoA0x4I)" +"For World Book Day, I dressed as a wardrobe. People asked me why I didnt dress as a lion or witch","I've never seen them feature in the IKEA catalogue" +"What do you call a snowman with a six pack","The abdominal snowman" +"Dad, showing me his pinky : Did you know that the Chinese don't have that finger . Me : What . No. Dad : wanna know why","Me: yeah It's because it's MY pinky" +"Why do rebels like revolving doors","They're revolutionary" +"Everything is made in China. Except babies","Babies are made in vaChina" +"Insanity doesn't run in my family","It sprints" +"Friend got everyone at a party last night. He's not even a Dad. My girlfriend was describing an old job where she got paid to sleep while working. It was a job where you watch persons. Two people were required on staff every night, over night. It was difficult to get two people to work overnight every night, they were only able to keep one person on it and rotated everyone for that position. The other person was allowed 6 hours of paid sleep per night. Can you see it yet. After describing the job, my friend out of nowhere goes Oh, that sounds like a *dream job*","*groan*" +"My wife's eyes are so much more noticeable these days","It must be the mask era" +"Do you want a brief explanation of an acorn","In a nut shell, it's an oak tree" +"My girlfriend surprised me with a dadjoke yesterday while walking around the Hudson valley We stumbled on a small pond and she said Do you want to think about your life. I said Huh. why now. Because this is a great place to ponder","/facepalm" +"Our cat is 15 years old, so he's got a lot of health issues. Me: Can you take a look at Jeffrey's eye. I think he has cataracts. Dad: Of course he does","Would you expect him to have dogaracts" +"Why were the Native Americans here first","They had reservations" +"What's the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling","One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler" +"Another one of my favorite posts","Cocoa Pebbles" +"Where does Count Dracula eat lunch","The casketeria" +"Dad, why am I called Lily. Because when you were born, a lily landed on your head; so we called you Lily. Dad, why am I called Rose. Because when you were born, a rose petal landed on your head; so we called you Rose. AHFVUBVCTRC'IUH(Y&%&DFK*+HVTX$ASXNl;","Shut up, Refrigerator" +"When. I was younger. I felt like a man trapped inside a woman's body. Then","I was born" +"What kind of cereal do racists eat","Special KKK" +"What does Batman put in his whiskey","Justice" +"What's brown and sticky","A stick" +"I can't remember how to write 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals","And I am **LIVID**" +"One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing","He told me he was hedging his bets" +"Do you want to know what I think of mute people","It goes without saying" +"My son pulled the pump cap off the shampoo bottle and threw it on the floor","He told me he deCAPitated it" +"I wasn't sure about increasing my bandwidth. But","I think it was net gain" +"Got my friend while walking outside. My Friend: I hate the wind, it sucks","Me: Actually, the wind blows" +"The wife got me. I took my workboots off and when I started walking barefoot, I noticed my right heel was sore. She said Would you say it's. achilling you","She'll make a great dad someday" +"Well, to be Frank","I'd have to change my name" +"I'm giving away all of my childhood toys to my newborn son","passing on the lego-cy" +"My wife is currently in the hospital having contractions. They hooked up the monitoring belt to her and I asked the nurse if the sensors could send data to my phone","She said no, but I was really hoping for push notifications" +"What currency do astronauts use","Starbucks" +"The person that came up with “Nothing is impossible” is wrong","I’ve successfully done nothing all weekend" +"How do you make a tissue dance. You put a little boogie in it. *wiggles shoulders* My wife hit me with this one in the car. I took my seatbelt off, unlocked the car door, was halfway out the door before my wife grabbed my arm and yanked me back in","I then proceeded to tell her if she ever did that again I wouldn't hesitate to leave for good" +"I asked my wife if she wanted to play video games. Her: Can't right now. I have to brush the dog","Me: Fur enough" +"Why did the wall trust the hammer","The wall knew that hammer always nailed it" +"How do you hit on a cow","use your best moove" +"I went to a bar in space today","The drinks were great, but the room had no atmosphere" +"Girlfriend got me while discussing the merits of football vs. basketball. Me: I grew up on basketball","Her: You must have really good balance" +"Grandpa's friend laid this one down on us Just finished dinner and he walks in: What did you guys have. It was steak -- you should have come earlier","Well, that was a miss-steak" +"A man walks into a psychologist's office wearing nothing but saran wrap around his waist","The doctor says I can clearly see your nuts" +"What did the man say when he felt he got shorted on new leaders in the Middle East","I feel I didn't get a fair Sheikh" +"If A is for Apple and B is for banana, then what's C for","Plastic explosives" +"what happened to the plant that was in the math classroom","It grew square roots" +"Wind turbines One wind turbine ask the other; So what kind of music do you like","The other wind turbine responded; Well, I'm a big metal fan" +"What country speaks the most puns. India, they speak","Punjabi" +"Apple: „We have the most expensive phone. “ Samsung: „Fold my beer","“ sry" +"I called my grandfather one time early on a saturday morning. I heard him pick up Me: Oh, did I wake you up. Grandfather: No, no","I had to wake up to answer the phone anyways" +"Did'ja hear about those new corduroy pillows","They're making headlines everywhere" +"Gay. Dad. Joke *Honey can you come out to the living room* Hey living room,","I'm gay!" +"When","I told my dad about the TIL you can count from zero to nine hundred ninety-nine without ever having to use the letter a post What about the a in eigh t." +"A Mexican magician is performing his final trick. On the count of three, I will make myself disappear. Uno. Dos","*Poof* He was gone without a tres" +"Hear about Chernobyl's six-legged cows","They're mootants" +"Here's a complimentary bottle of wine, said the waitress","You're very handsome, the bottle told me" +"I recently opened a yacht business in my attic","Sails are through the roof!" +"Why do bananas need sunscreen","Because they peel" +"I started pulling the Hi hungry, I'm dad routine with my two-year-old. A couple days in, I asked her if she was hungry. She just laughs and says, Silly Daddy, I'm not hungry, I'm Nona","I didn't expect to be a grandfather so soon" +"What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say after he left the symphony","I'll be Bach" +"A son of a long line of wheat farmers decided to plant barley","He was going against the grain" +"Dads, this tribute video is for you. (all the jokes, laughs, arguments, & memories) From the Dad Jokes that are so bad they're actually good. fathers deserve to be celebrated. This Father's Day tribute vid sums it up for me: https://youtu. be/xh3i8Sn0Z0k Hope you enjoy as much as I did","Figured I'd share" +"I asked a real estate agent how much it would cost to buy a hockey stadium","But she said she could only give me a ballpark estimate" +"Why did the horses get a divorce","They didn’t have a stable relationship" +"I tried to catch some fog. But","I mist" +"I did a drawing today","It was kind of sketchy" +"Why can't Hitler play baseball","It's three reichs and you're out" +"Why did the Mexican take Xanax","For Hispanic attacks" +"Is it raining today. https://i. imgur. com/kWYuWj4","gifv" +"What did the Mexican say to the Italian","“Que pasta”" +"What do you call a man with a rubber toe","Roberto" +"Maybe we should just abandon this sub","The deli near me makes better sandwiches anyway" +"I tried to make a post in /r/guns","But it got shot down" +"While my friend was trying to start a camp-fire, I asked her. Did you bring your Kindle. No, why. It might help you with kindling the fire","Maybe you could use Tinder on your phone instead, it might give you a match" +"I always tell the students I tutor Dad Jokes. A 1st grader tried to tell one of his own today. Again. this is from a 1st grader. &#x200B; Knock knock Who's there A panda Bear A panda bear who. No, you're supposed to say What Panda Bear. Ok What panda bear. Umm. a tiger. &#x200B; Not a dad joke","but I laughed anyway" +"Why did dad return the rabbit stew to the waiter","There was a hare in it" +"My mother is from a city in Ireland, and my father is Japanese","I am corkasian" +"What's Harry Potters favorite way to go down a hill. Walking. J","K, Rowling" +"I'll let you have this roof for free","It's one the house" +"Bill Gates: Today I farted in an apple store and everybody was pissed","Hey, its not my fault they don't have windows" +"Due to covid my chiropractor sent most of his staff home","His office is run by a skeleton crew" +"Got Recursively Dad-Joked I tried to tell my dad [this joke]( http://www. reddit. com/r/dadjokes/comments/1it293/my_dad_tells_this_joke_to_every_new_girlfriend_i/. sort=confidence). Me: How do you sell a deaf man a chicken. Dad: What. Me: How do you sell a deaf man a chicken. Dad: What. Me: How do you","and I see my dad smirking" +"How much Gay Sex was had. Dad: Hey. How much gay sex do you think was had when they passed the Gay Marriage Bill. Me: Um, *sigh, how much. Dad: A Butt-Load","Me:*Sigh" +"A man is at a funeral. He goes up to the widow and says, “I’m so sorry for your loss, may I say a word","” The widow says, “Yes, go ahead” The man goes up to the stand and says, “Plethora” The widow then says, “Thank you, that means a lot”" +"Rick Astley once called me to borrow all my Pixar DVDs","I told him You can have DVDs for Cars, Monsters Inc, Finding Nemo but I am never gonna give you UP" +"What do you call an explosion in a french kitchen","Linoleum blown-apart" +"Why don't cows have toenails","Because they lactose" +"Today would be a good day to make investments","Historically, on this day, prophets have risen!" +"How do you make an elevator sad","By depressing all of its buttons" +"Before my surgery, my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle","It was an ether/oar situation" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When it becomes apparent" +"I robbed a blind man the other day","Poor fella never even saw it coming" +"Did you know my computer can sing","It's Adele" +"For this year’s Thanksgiving, I decided to shoot my own turkey","Everyone at the frozen food aisle started freaking out though" +"Girlfriend was tired of large words My girlfriend and I were driving for a long while and under my coercion she was reading Dune to me. After the first chapter she grew rather tired of the amount of large words mixed in with made-up sci-fi words. She demanded that she be exempt from large words for the test of the day. I replied, So I guess defenestration is out the window. She hit me","A lot" +"What time did Sean Connery go to Wimbleton","Tennish" +"I'm friends with 25 letters. I just don't know","Y" +"[NSFW] My friends keep telling me that I am an audiophile","Fuck all that jazz" +"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer don't know what he laced them with, but","I was tripping all day!" +"My dad got me with this one. I thought about getting a brain transplant, but","I changed my mind." +"What do you call a field full of cows masturbating","Beef stroganoff" +"Out to dinner with my Dad And when it's his turn to order, he lets the waitress know I'll have the soup, medium rare","And the coleslaw, also medium rare" +"What kind of shoes do frogs wear","Open toad shoes…" +"Got my friend after he made a spelling mistake while texting and I don't think he even realised. Friend: My gym membership feels like such a **waist** atm Me: Do you not think it's **hip** to go to the gym any more. Friend: I think I ain't got time with a new born Me: Can you not **stomach** it","Friend: Well I got to do school runs and that fir the time being and K in the morning and Liam in the afternoon then home dinner putting kids down time is just gone Me: Yeah, I've got a **gut** feeling you won't be working out as much as you used to anymore" +"What is. Mario’s favourite clothing material. Denim. Denim","Denim" +"What did the bag of shredded cheese say when given helpful advice by another bag","He didn't say anything, he was just very grateful" +"Never read food reviews from Dracula","He says everything is blah" +"How do you know if you have a boy pokemon or a girl pokemon","By checking for the pokeballs" +"Where are all the dad jokes stored","At the dadabase" +"What does a Tyrannosaurus Rex get when he contracts an STD","Dino-sores" +"What was the turkey for Halloween","A gobblin'" +"Man decides to try out a new toilet brush found on sale","A couple days later he went back to paper" +"Where do giraffes go to war","Giraffe-ganistan" +"If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be","“really really bad at following directions”" +"Why did Margarine get detention","Everyone butter was on time to class" +"What do you call a Mexican who's unique","Juan of a kind" +"I hate elevators","They really drive me up a wall" +"Granddad joke, but still counts family member: I heard that he was an avid hunter","Granddad: Now, what kind of gun do you use to hunt avids" +"I always wanted to make mirrors for a living. Its something","I can see myself doing" +"I wrote this joke during a very dark time in my life","I have other things to do during the day" +"What do you call a French guy wearing sandals","Philippe Philoppe" +"My son is a. Marine. Corps reservist. Or as","I call him, a submarine." +"What did the spaghetti say when it fell off the table","Pasta la vista" +"Why does the sky have scars","Because of skyscrapers" +"What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed","Oh sheet" +"Worst. DadJoke my dad has ever done. So my family and. I were watching the news and it was talking about a story about young children swallowing batteries from their toys and my dad decides to say (during this sad story) So do you think the parents should be","CHARGED?" +"What do you call an ox with a huge ass","Buttox" +"I asked a girl way out of my league out and she accepted. Of course, she said she wanted to eat somewhere expensive","So I took her to the airport" +"Happy. Father's. Day today, and remember. It's","Son day too." +"I'd loooove to work as a mirror designer","I could totally see myself doing it" +"What does a vampire drink when depressed","B positive" +"How much does a pirate pay for corn","A buccaneer" +"I knew a great boomerang joke but. I’ve forgotten it","It’ll come back to me eventually" +"There’s big penises and there’s small penises, but the best penis of all","Is happenis" +"Dadjoked by my friend, who is a girl http://imgur","com/mrYb1d4" +"Which game does a sunlight alergic gamer play","Dead By Daylight" +"If I do say so myself","so myself" +"Dadjoked the professor The professor was criticizing me in private for forgetting basic capitalization rules - I didn't capitalize China . My response to You are forgetting basic capitalization rules; you must capitalize 'China' was But I can't capitalize China, they are communist","The professor just rolled her eyes and continued with the review of the paper" +"If Ellen DeGeneres and Anakin Skywalker formed a band, what kind of music would they play","Elle-Vader music My brother is a great dad, but he tells this joke every time I see him" +"My dad just insulted me out of nowhere with a pun. My dad: Hey, did you know that you're a dick. You're a dick because you're my son. I'm John. You're a Johnson","Old man just burned me out of nowhere" +"My friend likes to stop by my wind farm and take photographs of my windmills","He likes to shoot the breeze" +"dad-joked at work. I work at a law firm and called my dad. When the conversation was over my dad dad-joked me pretty well. Me: Well I need to get back to work and finish this brief","Dad: Well if you're busy I'll resist the urge to make an underwear joke" +"Q: What do you get when a chicken crosses a pig","A: Beef" +"Why couldn't the art dealer pay his rent","Because he ran out of monet" +"Can poop walk","No but diahreea runs" +"What does a gold digger say to get someone’s attention","“A u" +"What do sign language interpreters do when they’re done","Sign out" +"I created a new word today","Plagiarism" +"My. Australian friend and. I were playing chess while talking about which. European country we should travel to","He said Czech mate" +"Why did the electron leave the atom","Because it had it’s ion someone else" +"Dad Joked Mom in Lowes I'm an Mech. Engineering student and we are shopping for a new toilet in lowes","Me upon seeing the kohler toilets: they are recruiting engineers next week at our college I don't think I want to work for a toilet company though Mom: well they probably make good money Me: yeah but I hear it's a shitty job A groan came from both her and the lowes employee who was helping us" +"I hate Russian dolls","They're so full of themselves" +"What do you call a black man in space","An astronaut" +"What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer","Father-in-law" +"I was cutting hay today when all the workers left","I don't know why they baled on me" +"Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom","The “p” is silent" +"I tried going to the gym, but ended up quitting","It just wasn't working out for me.." +"If athletes get althlete's foot, what do astronauts get","Mistle toe" +"What is George Washington’s favorite animal","A buck" +"Where do babies go when they get hurt playing peek-a-boo","The I C U (Heard this from my dad 5 minutes ago)" +"How do Arabs overcome their anger","They just _Sheikh_ it off" +"The guy at the tuxedo store keeps hovering around me, so I asked him to leave me alone. He said, “Fine","Suit yourself" +"What award do they give to the best knockers","The no-bell prize" +"Dadjokes the gf on a hot day GF: It got toasty outside all of a sudden. Me: I know","It was just bready five minutes ago" +"My new dentist called me and said that he needs to make another mold of my teeth","He made a terrible first impression" +"Arctic monkeys puns. (Me and my dad in the car listening to I wanna be yours by the Arctic monkeys. ) Lead singer: I wanna be your vacuum cleaner (We look at each other in confusion) Me: did he just say he wants to be her vacuum cleaner. Dad: that just really suck","-_-" +"My friend. David lost his. ID. Now we just call him","Dave" +"In honor of Fathers Day In honor of Fathers Day, I'll share my father's two favorite jokes","As a kid, whenever I would do something good in school, as in pass a test or get a good grade, my father would say Wow, you're so bright, I should call you sun Whenever somebody would be leaving our house, whether it be friends or other family (nobody was safe) his closing line would be well if I don't see you in the future, I guess I'll see you in the pasture" +"I hate it when people say age is only a number","Age is clearly a word" +"I have faith in the hook. I installed. It's something","I can hang my hat on" +"Bad puns","That’s how eye roll" +"Why do physicians like cats more than dogs","Because dogs can't and cats can" +"What do you call a couple of people who are paralyzed","A pair of plegics" +"Why don't French people ever eat two eggs for breakfast","Because one egg is *un œuf*" +"I’ve been reading this book 📖 about. Anti. Gravity","I can’t seem to put it down." +"What do you call a bossy potato","A dic-tater" +"Before our tour of the sugar factory, my uncle warned us that it will smell of rodent bums","Because of all the mole asses." +"My Dad's Still Got It [Trying to lock down a time to visit](http://i. imgur. com/4ByH4g3","jpg)" +"True story, just happened. My 10 year daughter, with an evil grin, just informed me I can spell a bad word using the letters from this","And I was like No shit" +"What do they call fist bumps in the U","British Pounds" +"Dad. I’m going to take a shower. Me:. Dad. I’m going to take a shower. Dad:","Make sure you bring it back" +"Got my wife with this one I ordered a l dry erase calendar from Amazon, and it arrived today. My wife got the package asked me Honey, did you order something off of Amazon. Me oh yeah, it's my penis enlarger Her ha ha","It's a really big box Me damnit, they sent the wrong thing" +"In my youth, I was dumb enough to spend money on expensive beers","I’m now older Bud weiser" +"Bad time for a joke, dad. Operator: 911, what's your emergency. Responder: My wife's going into labor and I don't know what to do. Operator: Is this her first born. Responder: No, this is her husband. Saw this on IG and instantly thought of this sub","Hope you got a laugh" +"I'm not sure if my wife would be okay with traveling outside the 48 contiguous states for our vacation but","Alaska." +"Why couldn’t the farmer find his cow","Because it was wearing cow-moo-flage" +"What do you call a fat psychic","a four-chin teller" +"Her: Yoga is the best form of exercise","Me: I think that’s a stretch" +"[NSFW] What do you call a sex offender on the deep web","A torpedo" +"My son went to a corn field today","He said it was a-maizei-ng" +"Why did the cookie go to the doctor","He was feeling crummy" +"Watching the Oscars. Jimmy Kimmel: Let me introduce a former Pro Wrestler who is now one of the highest paid actors in America. The Rock Girlfriend: Oh I love The Rock. Who doesn't love the Rock. Me: The Scissors","Girlfriend: -_- I hate you" +"Why do blacksmiths always win arguments","They make lot of good points" +"I killed a chicken last week. Now. I. Think","I’m getting haunted by a poultrygeist" +"Dad, I'm dying. from /r/funny [Dad, I'm dying](http://imgur","com/meGn3q2)" +"Dadjoke for my Mom I've got some kind of allergic reaction going on and my face is breaking out in a bad rash and my mom is freaking out and wants to take me to the ER and my dad was like: Let's not make any rash decisions and we high fived and now my mom is yelling at us",":)" +"My dad's been growing out his beard. After much stroking his new beard he turns to me and says: you know, at first I didn't like my beard. Me: but you like it now. Him: yeah, it's really grown on me","It took me a while but he was grinning like a madman" +"Do you know why I hate circles","I think they're utterly pointless" +"My wife accused my of being immature","I told her to get out of my fort" +"Did you hear the flat earther joke","Didn't think so, it isn't really going round" +"Why was the pelican in debt","It couldn't pay off a really big bill" +"How do two German Bakers greet each other","Gluten tag" +"If you’ve heard of Murphy’s law, which is that anything that can go wrong will go wrong, then have you heard of Cole’s law","It’s thinly sliced cabbage" +"I have some chemistry jokes. But. I'm worried about the reaction","I'll get." +"[NSFW] (Rude) Why did jesus stop playing hockey","Cause he kept getting nailed to the boards" +"You know which is the coolest invention to the date","Liquid Nitrogen" +"The thing I've noticed about urinals There's always a bunch of dicks hanging out there","Thanks Matt (coworker) for the giggles" +"Golden girls cracked a great one What's Irish and stays out all night","Patio furniture" +"How did the farmer find his wife","He tractor down" +"When I think of books","I touch my shelf" +"Hitting red lights * Dad: You said you'd be home in 10 minutes, it's been 20. * Me: Sorry, I hit every red light on the way here. * Dad: Really","You must have been flying pretty high in the sky" +"I just finished loading the dishwasher. Me: Welp, should we run it. Wife: We can, but I don't think the leash is big enough","Got a huge laugh out of me" +"Did you hear about the two kids who walked into a church","It was kind of silly, the second one should have seen it coming" +"How do you find Will Smith in the snow","You search for fresh prints" +"Doing nothing is very hard to do","You never know when you're finished" +"What do you call a bullet proof Irishmen","Rick O’ Shea" +"I asked an electrician to fix an electrical issue at my house","He refused" +"What kind of superhero would Caitlyn Jenner be","An X-man" +"I've been lurking, but I finally got you something. http://i. imgur. com/s6HYk5c","png" +"A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff","Baa dum hiss" +"My wife is a math teacher so. Whenever she orders pie she never finishes. This joke will never be repeated","It's irrational" +"Never date a baker","They're too kneedy" +"My dad dropped this one on us this evening. Brothers GF: Our manager is on holidays so for the next few days I will be the standing manager at our location. Dad: What, thet don't have any chairs where you work","Queue groans" +"I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people","Too bad none of them work" +"Said in grandfathers New England accent. Grandfather- I'm making chili. You know how many beans to put in it. Me- no idea","Grandfather- 239, any more and it becomes too farty" +"Playing the guitar is hard. I can only play the guitar when I'm in a guitar costume","My dad actually just said that one to me" +"Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back","Mango Lassie" +"What's the difference between a god and a dog","A mirror" +"Where do naughty rainbows go","Prism" +"I goofed up and scratched my dad's car :( So he says to me: [ My car got SON damage. ](http://imgur","com/uNdHnCW) Cheered me right up" +"New doctor Doctor: Don't worry Dave, it's just a small operation Patient: but doc my name's not Dave","Doctor: I know, it's my name" +"I have a bad ping","I think it might be terminal" +"How do mountains see","They peak" +"The Ultimate Dad Joke Duel From College Humor: https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=MepBeEpEQcM" +"My dad just hit me with this one You know why women have legs","So they don't leave snail trails everywhere" +"Dadjoked my friend's facebook status Status: What ever happened to Corn Pops. My response: They pick it in fields now","And don't call me pops" +"I guess you could call this the 'anti-dad' joke. My girlfriend and I were making out, things were getting hot and heavy. My girlfriend asks: Her: Babe, do you have a condom. Me, in all my dad-joke glory: Of course I do, I always **cum** prepared She groaned, got up, and left. I did not get laid for that joke",":(" +"What's Bruce Lee's favorite beverage","WAATAAH" +"What is the most overused joke in this subreddit","Literally This" +"My GF just got me good She told me she loves my butt So I asked her: Butt why. Because it's so cheeky. She answered","I'm so proud :')" +"What happened when the cow jumped over the barbed wire fence","Utter destruction" +"A farmer counted 387 cows in his field","But when he rounded them up he had 400" +"Leaving the park with my (step)dad *Dad screams as we approach speed bump* me- What the hell was that about","dad- Sorry I have a fear of speed bumps, but slowly I'll get over it" +"My wife accused me of teaching our kids to argue semantics So I told her I wouldn't put it that way . She told me she is going to murder me in my sleep","Worth it" +"I'm getting some strands of grey hair, but I don't know if I should dye it yet","It's a grey area" +"I am NOT a grammar Nazi","I prefer the term alt-write" +"Why is leather great for sneaking around","Because it's made of hide" +"Why do dogs have such a great attitude","They like to stay paws-itive" +"I don't live at home anymore, so when I asked my dad how much snow they got last night this is what he sent me. [http://imgur. com/tneA7Zy](http://imgur","com/tneA7Zy)" +"I've reached a new level in dad jokes. I don't even have to say anything anymore. Wife: Will you please sweep the floor. Me: I'd rather vacuum. Wife: No, our vacuum sucks. Me:","Wife: Just shut up" +"I’ve decided never to give a donation to people collecting for a marathon","They just take the money and run" +"What does a Mexican put under his carpet","Underlay underlay" +"Science teacher told us in class about his four kidneys. As we were learning about the urinary system in science, our teacher informed us that he had four kidneys as a kid. We freaked out, asking him does he still have them, and he said no","We asked him where the 2 extra kidneys where, and he just pointed towards his legs and said, my kid knees" +"Dad joked my Girlfriend She thought she was being clever and didn't see this coming GF:You shouldn't kiss on January 1st because its only the first date. Hehehehe Me: Remember our first date. GF: Yeah we talked about high school track. Me: I know I felt like I was talking in circles","*groans from her and her roommates*" +"What's the best temprature to serve baby food","Womb temprature" +"So I heard that the Volkswagen CEO resigned","I guess you could say he fell off the wagen" +"I just got a new step ladder","I never knew my real one." +"I like my women like. I like my golf scores","In their 80s with a slight handicap" +"What happened to the blind circumciser","He got the sack" +"What goes ooh ooh","A cow with no lips" +"My dad had a bad stroke","He would never golf again." +"Tutoring a family friend's son I tutor geometry to a 14 year old in high school and he was nervous about his upcoming test so I asked him: Do you know what the bravest shape is, one that is relentless. I don't know what. The **try-angle**","" +"What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle","Attire" +"I finally found my jam while listening to Pandora this morning","It was right behind my orange juice box this whole time" +"What did the judge say when the skunk walked into his court","Odor in the court" +"What do you call pasta that lives in the hood","Spaghetto" +"What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe","Roberto" +"How did tomatoes get their name. I work in a kitchen and a coworker asked I wonder where tomatoes got their name. I said it probably it went something like this. Hey where did those round, juicy, red things go. Oh, Tom ate those Tomatoes. Is that what they're called. Well, where did they go","No one laughed except me" +"A man is washing the car with his son. The son asks","Dad , can't you just use a sponge" +"My wife told me. I’ve grown as a person. Her actual word were “you’ve gotten fat”, but","I know what she meant." +"Dad joked my boss. My boss always calls everyone Big Horse (don't ask me why). Yesterday he emailed me regarding the tonsillectomy I got today, saying Good luck tomorrow, Big Horse","I replied, Thanks, but after tomorrow, I'll just be a little hoarse" +"Last night. I dreamt. I was a muffler","I woke up exhausted." +"What’s the difference between suggestive phrases and stalking","One is innuendo the other is inyourwindow" +"Found in a pregnancy magazine Husband (on phone): help doctor, my wife is in pain and is screaming really loud. Doctor: Is this your first child. Husband: No","This is her husband" +"What’s green and not very heavy","Light green" +"What do you call 50 pigs playing tug of War","Pulled pork" +"What do two feathers talk about during the night","It's mostly pillow talk" +"Did you hear about the guy who vandalized a park bench with a hammer","It was an act of mallets" +"What do you call a snake building its own home","A boa constructor" +"I can hear music coming out of my printer","I think the papers jammin’ again" +"How do you catch polygons","With a trapezoid" +"What did the parrot say when it saw its car driving away","MA CAHHHHHHH" +"Why is gaston the smartest disney character","He won a no-belle prize" +"When I told my ex girlfriend that I wanted to break up, she tried gifting me a mini plastic figurine of myself in an attempt to salvage our relationship","I screamed, Lego of me" +"My younger brother is Russian","He's such a little brat" +"I've been offered a job as a mirror salesman","I can really see myself doing that" +"What do you call a chicken looking at a lettuce","Chicken sees a salad" +"What kind of bees have karaoke night on Wednesdays","Applebee's" +"Scientists believe they may have just found the first gay dinosaur","They have named it Megasoreass" +"How do mermaids give birth","Via sea-section" +"I had to kick a friend out of my house party","He was pissing off the front porch" +"My dad just said this, you know who had the best business idea in history. The guy who added repeat to the end of the shampoo instructions","Doubled all sales just like that" +"In a small room. There are too many people in here","Actually, there are three many" +"Why did the constipated Baker have dirty hands","Cos he kneaded a poo" +"My wife always yells at me for the way I face the toilet paper, but I can’t help it","That’s how I roll" +"There were so many people dressed as vampires at the. Halloween party…. That","I lost count" +"What does a clock do when it is hungry","It goes back four seconds" +"Water is really easy to understand","What it boils down to is steam" +"Where does the Lone Ranger take his trash","T'da dump t'da dump t'da dump dump dump, t'da dump t'da dump t'da dump dump dump" +"My wife was going through our wardrobe and said “Look at this, it still fits me after 25 years. ” I said, “it’s a scarf” Apologize if this is a repost of some kind, my grandpa just sent me this as a text with his very limited energy","I wanted to honor his out-of-nowhere dad humor even in his old age" +"Tonight I said to my dad do you know what","He replied no, but his name is on every lightbulb" +"The villagers gathered as the guards dragged the blacksmith through the town square. One of the villagers turned and asked another, what happened","She told him, he's been arrested for forgery" +"My wife got me while I was browsing car parts. Me: I really like these deep dish rims. Wife: Really","I prefer hand-tossed" +"What time do ducks wake up","At the quack of dawn" +"What Sith Lord immobilizes his opponents instead of killing them","Darth Ritis" +"Why did the aquarium only have porpoises","Because the richpoises left" +"What happens when you drop a duck egg on the ground","It quacks" +"So, my dad has no taste buds","But he's got a ton of taste pals" +"I went into the kitchen this morning and said to the wife, Is that coffee I smell","She said, It is and you do" +"Sometimes. I really envy magnets","They don't have much of a personality, but at least they are attractive." +"I ate a watch yesterday It was very time consuming. And. very filling","Because, I had seconds" +"What's the loudest pet","A trumpet" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at the school","It's ok, he woke up" +"What did the oak tree drop","A-corny joke" +"What is the least spoken language in the world","Sign language" +"My son got me He's 5 and has been learning humor. Most of his jokes make no sense like this: Knock Knock. Who's there. Hair. Hair who. Hair on my head. AHAHHAHAHA. However, the other day he was watching Backyardigans while I was on the computer. I wasn't watching the show and he walks in to my office. He asks Why did the chicken cross the playground. I readied myself for a nonsense joke. To get to the other slide. I have never laughed that hard at one if his jokes",";)" +"What do you call birds that stick together","Velcrows" +"I was complaining about being pregnant, saying I felt like I would be pregnant for all eternity","To which my dad replied, You mean all maternity" +"What's a Dad's last sense to go","His sense of humour; it was bad to begin with" +"Dad during lunch. So my dad was eating a sandwich. Me: Is that a cheese sandwhich. Him: *takes a peak inside* I queso. - cheese translates into queso in Spanish","Queso is pronounced kind of like guess so" +"I’m happy to say. God finally answered my prayers for winning lotto","The answer was no." +"I have a friend who's tall and skinny. His name is Rod","He's Polish" +"Did you hear the singer Sting got kidnapped","The Police have no lead" +"Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today","But it’s definitely up there" +"What do you call a fight between squirrels","A squarrel" +"I went to the. Zoo today,. Only animal they have is a dog. It’s a. Shih","Tzu" +"Dad: How do you leave an idiot in suspense. Child: how","Dad: I'll tell you later" +"What did one introvert say to the other introvert","Absolutely nothing and they quickly parted ways" +"Why did the cowboy have a weiner dog","Somebody told him to get a long little doggy" +"Why are ghosts bad liars","Because you can see right through them" +"How do you know whether anything's changed in Europe","You Czech for updates" +"Just watched The Matrix, with Keanu Reeves","He turned to me and said, I've seen this one" +"A guy threw his golf club into the air","He got a birdie" +"The next Fast & Furious will focus more on safety issues than previous movies","Fast10 Your Seatbelts" +"My surgeon is hilarious","He's always leaving me in stitches" +"There’s something off about that active circular saw","But I just can’t put my finger on it" +"What's the difference between an orphan and a bastard. Isn't it a parent","-Andy James Scafidi" +"How do you turn a duck into a soul singer","Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers" +"How do you get Mexican food at the beach. You dig your feet into the sand","Then you have buried toes" +"Aladdin banned from flying carpet racing","Sources say… …for use of performance enhancing rugs…" +"I lost my favorite backpack months ago, and it’s still traumatic…","I… *just can’t put it behind me.*" +"All my life. I've wanted to learn how to juggle","I've just never had the balls to do it" +"My 7yr old got me: If the pilgrims were still alive today, what would they be famous for","Being like 400 years old" +"My kid told me to buy blinker fluid. So","I brought back eye drops" +"What do you call a sleeping cow","A bulldozer" +"I had dyslexia as a child","And I would write about it in my dairy" +"My friend dad joked me today in our German lesson. Other student: Do we have to do about the imperfect tense today. Teacher: Yes, every lesson counts. My friend: I thought that was only maths","I wish his future children the best of luck" +"An apple a day will keep anyone away","If you throw it hard enough..." +"Guy and his wife at the store,looking for a new ironing board. Wife: look this one makes it so you only have to iron 1 side","Guy: so if we bought 2 we wouldn’t need an iron?" +"Dad jokes are a ballooning issue for me . My mate and I bought some N2O canisters to share between us, and he saved two for his girlfriend. Messaged me, “I just had my last 2 whippets, looks like my girlfriend will miss out”","I said, “Don’t worry, she can buy some off me at an inflated price”" +"How does a fire react to a joke","It charcoals" +"My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to test their reflexes","He really gets a kick out of it" +"My dad had a winner last night My mother was talking to my wife about our second pregnancy and my wife was explaining what push presents were. Neither of us knew what they were at the first pregnancy so my wife was saying she wanted one this time around. The conversation went like this: Wife: Well, it's a present that he gets me for pushing our child out of my body. Mother: Oh, they didn't have that when I had him, that's nice","Father: Well, did you get him a deposit present" +"When I become a superhero I'm going to be called 'Ironic'","So when there's trouble and I'm running away they'll shout - Isn't that Ironic" +"How much did Santa's sleigh cost. Free","It's on the house" +"The genie asked, What’s your first wish. Steve replied, I wish I was rich. The genie nodded and said, What’s your second wish","Rich exclaimed, I want lots of money" +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon","Great food, no atmosphere" +"Dad after watching the movie Frozen Hans really made some bad decisions and is very cold-hearted","I guess from now on he'll be Hans Solo" +"Making holy water. How do you make holy water","It's very simple, you fill a pot with water and boil the hell out of it" +"Are the jokes on this sub made of paper","Because most are tearable" +"My mom just told my sister she ran into the Walmart I asked her if it hurt and then my dad who doesn't usually laugh at jokes like that laughed","I guess you could say I'm pretty cool😎" +"I tried to pick up a hobby in skydiving","But the interest is falling" +"Is it OK to do foreplay after you have sex","Or is that just bang out of order" +"I once dated a girl with a lazy eye","I always thought she was seeing someone on the side" +"How do people in Star Trek tolerate high speeds","They Klingon to something" +"What do you call a bear with no ears","A B" +"Did you hear about the steer that ate a stick of dynamite","It was abominable" +"Did you hear about the priest who invented a vegetable-based fragrance","Lettuce Spray" +"What do you call a dinosaur from Canada","Torontosaurus Rex" +"When asked the time for his marriage, Jack Frost replied","snow time like the present" +"Do you know what we call a car accident involving a sedan","An In-sedan" +"If you were 4 when red red wine was released","UB40 now" +"What do call an obedient dog who loves to swim","A good buoy" +"I asked. Google to for what the formula of. Nitric. Oxide was, it was so rude","It said NO" +"Did you hear about the archeologist that went bankrupt","He was in ruins" +"Dad, I want to be an archaeologist","Great, go practice on the litter box" +"My nephew is going to be a great father someday. The other night, my wife made a fantastic peach pie. It was the best one she has been ever made (she even put my initials in it with a heart around it). As she was showing off her handiwork, the pie slipped out of the pan and splattered everywhere. The wife started crying, the kids started complaining. My 23 year old nephew walks into the room and looks at the ensuing chaos","He grabs a handful of the mush, eats it, and says to my wife, * I think the pie turned out just peachy" +"My cousin looks like he has no chin We were making fun of my cousin because it looks like he doesn't have a chin, it blends with his neck. His dad has the same thing","I told him I guess you have your dad's Chinetics and my cousin asked me to see myself out the door" +"What do you call a masturbating cow","Beef Stroganoff" +"so, I started a new book it's on anti-gravity","I can't put it down" +"My father at dinner","While my brother was eating his salad, my dad casually stated, be careful eating so many croutons, or you could catch the croutonic plague." +"What did the hippie say when I told him to get off my couch","Namaste" +"I swapped out our bed for a trampoline","My wife hit the roof" +"My grandfather died because they thought he had type-A blood","It was a type-O" +"Saw a theater production called Talk About Puns","I guess you could say it was a play on words" +"I got drunk and went to a petting zoo with my buddy and came across some goats. The sign on their pen said their names were Michael and Wayne. My friends said, Those names are kind of dumb, I think they could have done better. A man standing with his two young daughters turned to my friend and said, Really","They're the Greatest Of All Time" +"What does the radio host say to their guitar every night","Stay tuned" +"I was kicked out of the karaoke bar for singing Highway To The Danger Zone 3 times in a row","Too many Loggins attempts I guess" +"At a restaurant with my dad, and grandma when he says I'm an eight. Confused, I asked you're an eight. To which he replied, I think I will","And he stood up and went to the bathroom" +"Joke chain. So I had a great chain of old jokes today in my morning meeting. I started with I bought a violin from a one armed seller yesterday. He said he played it by ear . As the meeting progressed, I realized I could chain additional jokes together. 10 minutes later I followed up with it, That one armed violin seller. he has a sister named Katrina. She's missing a leg so she likes to call herself I\-Lean . The room laughed and there were many people who said that's kinda wrong . Then I followed up with, Well she's not as bad off as her dad. The dad's missing two legs. When he goes in the swimming pool, they call him Bob. And then I finished with, But he still likes to water ski. When he does, they call him Skip","It's funny because it all chains together" +"Why did the priest run away from the group of attractive woman","Because he was chaste" +"Whats a horny mole's favorite sweetener","Molasses" +"My friends claim I’m the cheapest person they have ever met","I’m not buying it" +"Its funny how time flies like the wind and","Fruit flies like banana" +"What do you call an evil lemon","Sour On" +"I told my boyfriend that I got an expensive haircut, but they left my bangs too long","He replied, too much bang for your buck" +"The. Bible and the. Quran tell us to love each other. The","Kamasutra is more specific" +"What do you call someone who knows exactly when the toaster will pop","Toastradamus" +"Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid in the world","That's because its pasteurized before you can see it" +"I came home and saw a note from my wife stuck on the fridge: “I’m sorry. This isn’t working. You take things too literally. Goodbye","” She will be so happy when she finds out I ordered a new one" +"Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers","They say he made a mint" +"Did you hear the joke about the cows that provided milk for the Roman Army. You totally should","It's legion-dairy" +"I got my class last spring It was raining and kind of chilly. I was wearing shorts and my professor asked if I was cold as I was walking in. Before I sat down I replied, I'm always cold when I'm this cool","The entire class facepalmed" +"I like dating unfit people","But they just never work out" +"My 6 month old son has his first milk shake today","My wife was breastfeeding him during the earthquake" +"Told my dad. I saw two flies screwing on the wall","He turned to me and said You mean insex?" +"David Hasselhoff has officially changed his name to David Hoff . The star has stated In the beginning, it was hard to change my last name","But after some time, there was no hassle" +"Dad Joked by my grandfather. We were driving on an old country road and we passed by a possum that had been obliterated by a car. My grandfather studied the roadkill carnage carefully before telling me, Well. that possum will never have the guts to try and cross the road again. second generation dad joked >","<" +"Its so hard to get pirates to walk the plank","They never want to get on board" +"I knew this guy who used to love tractors. But eventually he got bored and lost interest. One day he was out and saw a burning building. He ran into the building, sucked up all the smoke and blew it out the window. How did you do that. asked an amazed onlooker","Easy, he replied, I'm an ex-tractor fan" +"My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean","I don't know why she's mad at me" +"What did one dollar say to the other dollar. Hey man, you need to change","And the other dollar was like, Yeah, that makes cents" +"Who is a tree's favorite singer","Spruce Springsteen" +"My morning favorite. There's nothing like a nice, warm, firm [C cup](http://i. imgur. com/CCAtdUc","jpg) in your hand to start the day" +"Dogs can't operate. MRI machines","But cat scan" +"I was going to throw a chicken at the Pope","But then I realized that he is infowlable" +"This was my father's text to me this morning concerning Harrison Ford. Him: Harrison Ford injured in crash landing of a piece of junk. Wondering if special modifications were contributing factor. Inquired about Chewbacca's condition. Nancy assured me this was a solo flight","Me: you're the devil" +"Did you hear about the baker who was obsessed with his bread","He kneaded it all the time" +"Just applied for a job in my local mirror shop","Don't know what it is but I can totally see myself working there" +"A guy walks into a bar and sees a girl. Guy:. You're the most average girl here. Girl:. You're so mean. Guy:","No, you are" +"I used to be addicted to soap. But","I'm clean now" +"What do you call a Chinese gamer with a fast connection","Lo Ping" +"I ask my students, Can I write 'Your Name' on your sign off sheet. 135 lab students over the semester. How many suckers come to me to sign off their work without having their name at the top of their sign off sheets. So. as a Dad I have my solution: I ask my students, Can I write 'Your Name' on your sign off sheet","In a beautiful cursive flourish I write: _YOUR NAME_" +"Intercultural Dad Joke Background: I'm living in Germany and have a German roommate who can speak some English. He did Realschule (completed 10th grade), but mostly ditched classes. I try to teach him when I can and vice versa. We were watching Walking Dead. The episode was right after the prison gets stormed. Rick and Carl lock themselves in a house, and Carl ties a knot that he's super proud of. Blablabla. A few minutes later, knot is quickly falling apart as zombies try to break in","I absentmindedly said: Cool knot, bro Roommate: (K)not cool, bro I just looked at him with a mixture of surprise, pride, and wondering still if he knows what a dad joke is" +"When race tracks are worn down their parts are used for other tracks","It’s just the circle of life." +"I only believe in 12","5% of the bible I'm an eighth theist" +"Dad got with this one at dinner My mum was serving dinner and we were meant to have spaghetti","Upon finding out that we were served pasta instead, my dad stood up and shouted What is this impasta" +"I don't normally tell dad jokes. But when","I do, he usually laughs" +"A storm just came through and blew 25% of our roof off last night","Oof." +"What do you call a hopeless romantic who wanders the countryside","Roam-eo" +"Today while running with my girlfriend, she ran off ahead of me. Wait. I can't *ketchup. * Don't start. I have *mustard* all of my energy, but I'm too slow. Please stop. *Mayo* grant me this request and slow down. Nooooooo. I *relish* the day I can match your speed","Silence" +"A call to all teacher dads. This isn’t a dad joke, but I’m recruiting the best of the best","I’m a new teacher headed into a middle school science class, and need all the good dad jokes y’all can come up with so I can leave my students blind from all the eye rolling that’s in store for them" +"What did one mushroom say to the other","I don't know why my girlfriend dumped me, I'd say I'm a pretty fungi" +"My husband got me with something so groanworthy that it physically hurt. Husband: Are you going to finish your peas. Me: No, they're mushy. Eugh. Fine. I'll eat them","Husband: Thank you for giving peas a chance" +"I just realized why my subreddit for rating feather pillows never got popular","Everyone was constantly down voting" +"In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1. a chicken and mushroom pie for £1. 60 and an apple pie for £2. In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1. 70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1","Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean Credit goes to an excellent joke making friend of mine" +"My humor became a dad last night. I was reading a news story about a teacher who was burning messages into his students' arms with a Tesla coil","I shared the story on FB, saying that it was all okay, because he paid them a Nikola piece for their troubles" +"What drugs to ducks like","Quack" +"Brother-in-law (a soon-to-be dad) watching Dexter Notices that in Season 6 rapper Mos Def is listed as just Mos in the credits. Promptly says I guess he got his hearing back","" +"You hear about the guy that got a job doing elephant circumcisions","I hear the job sucks but the tips are HUGE" +"I ran out of my Omega 3 supplement so I went to the store","The attendant was rude and threw the bottle at me as hard as he could Fortunately, my injuries were super fish oil" +"The. CEO of. Pepsi was fired this morning. He tested positive for","Coke." +"My wife is a body builder","She's pregnant" +"My friend is addicted to brake fluid","Though he says he can stop any time" +"I got thousands of letters delivered to my house today","That's the last time I order a dictionary from Ikea" +"Where's the turn up. Some girls at my college were trying to get turnt up . One girl asked another where the turn up was. I told her I know where you can find a turn up. Really, where","At the campus community gardens, there's a whole row of turn ups there" +"I ran over a nail and popped my tire when my wife and I left the farmers market","I should have bought asparagus" +"Dadjoked my friend yesterday I said, Hey [friendsname], I wanna tell you something. She said, Is this gonna be a joke. No, it's just a neat fact. Okay, what is it. In every single English dictionary, there is always one word that is spelled incorrectly. Really. Which one. Incorrectly","She laughed" +"Hello sir, how would you like your steak grilled","Preferably ON the grill" +"What do you call a dog with no legs","Call it whatever you want, its not going to come anyways" +"Why did the clown go to the doctor","Because he was feeling a bit funny" +"GF: You made good time today Me: I only use the best ingredients *gf gives me a look* GF: Ingredients for time","Me: I never use tardy sauce *gf leaves room*" +"Did you hear about the prince who got trapped in a giant balloon","They had to pop it to let the heir out" +"What do you call a Chinese man with a hard outer shell","A Crustasian" +"Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law","It received two consecutive sentences" +"What do you call a lady of the night with a flatulence problem","A prostitoot" +"What do you call the leader of an elven cult","Elrond Hubbard" +"Time flies like an arrow","Fruit flies like bananas" +"What do you call a 45 Cents concert","50 Cents featuring Nickel back" +"Remembering my first official dad joke. My son had just been born, I'm talking freshly cut cord. My mother comes in to see him and notices a bottle of baby shampoo on the table. Ooh is that Baby Magic, she asks. Nah, he's just an ordinary baby","Then I realized I was a real dad" +"Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees","Because they're very good at it" +"What's the worst part about being a cross-eyed teacher","They can't control their pupils" +"Whats the difference between in-laws and outlaws","Outlaws are 'Wanted" +"What is a dogs favorite breakfast","Woofles" +"Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France","They were cooked in Greece" +"What are Thanos's favourite biscuits","Ginger snaps" +"Why does a chicken coop only have two doors","Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan" +"I was surprised to hear that. Adele uses a. MacBook. I always thought she'd use a","Dell." +"My wife ate mushroom and said it wasn’t enough","I gave her mushcondo instead" +"Why does every tech company have a basketball hoop in the parking lot","So people won’t have troubleshooting" +"Wife A police officer came to my door and asked if I had any pictures of my wife. I told him yes and gave him one. He looked at the picture and said that it looks like my wife has been hit by a bus","I explained that he is right but, she is good with the kids" +"What do you call Dr. Doofenshmirtz when he went to prison","Doofenshmirtz Evil Incarcerated" +"My dad pulled this one at dinner last night My mom made stuffed peppers with with Shepherd's pie ground beef instead of stuffed pepper mix. So my dad goes. I guess these are Shepherd's Peppers. He couldn't wait to spit that one out and had a great big laugh. Then told it again because my mom wasn't in the room. Edit. I don't think some people know the food involved. Stuffed peppers are [these]( http://nancysrecipes. files. wordpress. com/2008/06/stuffed-peppers-and-not-caesar-salad-006. jpg). And shepherds pie is [this]( http://dyn. msite. tv/mts/t. diw=325&src=http%3A%2F%2Fwww. kraftfoods. com%2Fassets%2Frecipe_images%2FUpdated-Shepherds-Pie-45398","jpg&id=449&spp=kraftv2&ftype=png)" +"What is an appropriate tool for Communists to measure time","Our Glass" +"What Do You Call A Sleepwalking Nun","A Roamin’ Catholic" +"New dad, wife is now mad at me. We just had our first child Saturday evening. On Sunday, she fussed at me about making her laugh (because it hurt), so I agreed to limit myself to dad jokes. She was okay with this. She then asked for her slippers. As I'm putting them on her, I say I'm not sure why they call them slippers, that's the last thing I'd want to do","Now I'm not allowed to tell dad jokes either" +"What do you call it when you break a headstone","A grave mistake" +"I once got a job as a can crusher, but I don’t like to talk about it","It’s soda pressing" +"Just walked through the living room while dad was watching the Super Bowl Me: Anyone win yet. Dad: No, but I know who will. Me: Who, then. Dad: The one who scores the most points",":L" +"Why do cows have hooves instead of feet","Because they lactose" +"What you call a person without a son","Per" +"Heard this at work. I know what I'm getting for Christmas this year. A shirt, a pair of pants, and a piece of ass","And they'll all be two sizes too big" +"- My mom had 4 kids - Eenie, Meenie, Miney, and Fred. - What about Moe","- Oh, she don't want no mo'" +"What's the fastest liquid on earth. Milk","It's pasteurised before you see it" +"I think there are 10 different kinds of people in the world","Those who understand binary humor, and those who don't." +"My boss asked me where I see myself in a year","I told her I don't know; I don't have 2020 vision" +"What’s forest gump’s password","1 forest 1" +"How do you call a bumblebee from North America","USB" +"Everyone thinks Thor is so great","It's because his brother is low-key" +"Got my parents tonight I asked my parents to bring my tennis stuff to me since I live 2 hours away and they were coming to town to see my sick uncle. After we had a nice meal, they drove me back to my apartment and handed me the bag. Dad: I bought some balls for you. I think there's two cans in there. Me: Why would there be birds in my tennis bag. We just stared at each other for a good 5-10 seconds. Then I hear my mother groan","He caught on not long after" +"I just crashed my car in a lane between two houses -- one owned by Mr. and Mrs. Ball, and one owned by Mr. and Mrs. Smith","Thank god I was dragged out by the Smiths" +"Every time we go past a railroad crossing, I always tell my kids, Hey, a train just went by. They grudgingly ask, “How do you know daddy","” “Because its tracks are still here" +"Tesco's are putting vodka up a penny tomorrow to £20","So tonight I'm gonna party like it's £19" +"I tried to catch some fog","But I mist" +"I love my dry erase board","It's remarkable" +"Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative number","He'll stop at nothing to avoid them" +"My favorite thing about a good belt","It holds up" +"Most people have hand eye coordination","But pirates have eye eye coordination" +"Dad Puts an offer for a Washer/Dryer [Here's a snapshot of an exchange I had last night. ](http://imgur","com/5xHzicG)" +"I would be a very bad doctor","Because I have no patience" +"Dadjoked my gf today She had an accident a while ago and a friend of hers got her second baby, Leon, in October. She was sitting there with her coffee, thinking about the things that happened in the last months. After a while she says Leon was born on October 5th, exactly one month after my accident - huh, and here I thought it usually takes 9 months from accident to birth","She was speechless" +"I set up my thumbprint to unlock my phone. It doesn't work all the time though,","I just can't put my finger on it." +"What do you call a pig with three eyes","Piiig" +"A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender says, sir, do you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants","The pirate responds, yarrr, it be drivin' me nuts" +"What do you call a unpredictable and wild photographer","A loose canon" +"Why is nobody laughing","Sister dad, I have to do the fafsa today, because it takes 24 hours to get my pin Dad well why can't you just use a pencil" +"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl use the toilet","Because the p is silent" +"Gyno Visit[NSFW] So my girlfriend was at the gynecologist's office and noticed that he had the new apple watch on his wrist. This conversation followed. Her: I've wanted one of those and it's weird to think about it being up in my vagina. Me: Did you have thoughts of snatching it","Her: Groan" +"Feb 22. It's National Railroad Day. 2/22. TOOOOO","TOO-TOOOOO" +"All these. Amazon fires have me worried","I hope 2 day shipping isn’t affected." +"My close friend confided in me that she was thinking about quitting her job as a submarine pilot","She told me she couldn't handle all the pressure" +"I love telling jokes about salt","They're sodium funny" +"Have you heard about Cardi B’s athletic cousin","Her name is Cardi O" +"What's the leading cause of dry skin","Towels" +"When people tell me to stop acting like a flamingo","that's when I put my foot down" +"My wife told me that a sci-fi horror series centered around geek culture could never make it big in the public sphere","But I've seen stranger things" +"What did the Romans say after they killed Jesus","cross that one off the list" +"Why was the mathematician arrested after a night out","He was caught drinking and deriving" +"How do you get ready for an eclipse party","You planet" +"I MADE A BELT OUT OF WATCHES TODAY","It was a waist of time" +"I did. CPR on someone the other day","It really took my breath away" +"My foot was run over by a rental car","Hertz" +"What do you say to your sister when she is crying","Are you have a crisis" +"I figured out why young men get tattoos","They think they can get tits for tatts" +"dadjoking the 911 operator Operator: 911 what's your emergency. Dad: My wife's going into labor, I don't know what to do. Operator: Is this her first born. Dad: No, this is her husband[. ](http://cow","org/csi/)" +"A regular brought her new puppy into work today. Me: What's his name. Her: His name is Jackson, I chose it because his dads name is Jack","I just walk off laughing, It was great" +"A piece of string walks into a bar The bartender says we don't serve string here The string walks outside, ties himself up, and messes up his hair. He walks back in. Aren't you the string I just sent away","No, I'm a fraid knot" +"At the veterinarian's office. The other day my cousin brought his 10-week-old Siberian Husky for a routine checkup. Apparently, this happened: Cousin: So how is his weight. Vet: Well he's not overweight, but he *does* appear to be","a little husky" +"I googled cigarette lighter and got 150000 matches","Now I don't need the lighter" +"There was an earthquake and everyone blamed fracking","Turns out it was the Earth's fault" +"What happens when you listen to too much Queen","Freddie Mercury poisoning" +"Two vegans were not talking to each other","Which was weird because I thought vegans would never have beef" +"I thought the Royal Family weren’t supposed to have political alignments","but the news tells me that the Duchess of Cambridge is in Labour" +"Why is Monica Lewinski voting for Trump. [NSFW] The Clinton administration left a bad taste in her mouth. bahaha","Grandpa texted me that out of the blue a few days ago" +"What do you call a field trip to catacombs","A Skele-tour" +"I'm selling the vaccum","It's just collecting dust" +"My Girlfriend Just Got Me Good Me: My beard is starting to get really full","Her: Did it eat too much" +"Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory","Because he couldn't concentrate" +"The Man, the Sheep and the Dog a man, a sheep and a dog are the only survivors of a shipwreck and get marooned on a desert island with more than enough food. days, weeks and months pass and the only thing the can look forward to on the island everyday is the beautiful sunset. every evening the man, the sheep and the dog go and watch the sunset. one day the man attempted to put his arm around the sheep and the dog goes crazy so he has to retract his arm. he angrily exclaims I was just cuddling. the next evening they are back on the beach and the man sees something out to sea. after further investigation he sees it is a unconscious woman on a raft. the man swims out and rescues the woman, takes her to shore and nurses her back to health they begin chatting and get on incredibly well, she was a beautiful young woman with a great sense of humour. the next evening the man, the woman, the sheep and the dog go to the beach to watch the sunset as per usual. whilst sitting on the beach the woman looked up at the man, and he looked back at her. she says how can I ever repay you","the man then says you can you take the dog for a walk" +"Something my dad once did Okay. A bit of back story. My dad is someone who knows how to end fun. But all in all, it is fine. We just normally talk t on him about serious topics. So one night, my dad was in the shower. My sister and I were bickering about something and she did something that made me angry. So I screamed at my dad to look at what she did (I think she hit me or something) and all he merely did was peaked his head out of the bathroom and went back in. I was expecting something like a scolding or something so I screamed again. Then he told me that I asked him to look and so he did already. I promised myself to not talk to him again until I left my home. But if course with my bloody short attention span (I was around 7 or 8), I forgot about it the next morning. My sis n him had a laugh","😠😠😠" +"I’m bad with four things","Faces, names and numbers" +"So it turns out I'm incapable of describing my feelings","Can't say I'm surprised" +"My sister said the tiramisu was good","so I asked if I should get some Tiramitoo" +"So my dad was fixing a ceiling fan today and my mom said if she turned on the fan it would cut off his little head. No, that's my big head","he replied" +"A speaker came to our office and let us know that on the side he was a pastor. I asked him if he got a gallon of milk when he was ordained. He look confused until I explained why I asked- You know, because you got 'pasteurized","' He was not amused" +"Did you hear about the guy who hated alphabet soup","Let’s just say that he’s eating his words now" +"Knock, knock. ***Who's there. *** **Ben. ** ***Ben who","*** **Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in" +"Dadjoked by my female fiance Me: So I read part of this article today abou. Her: I believe that's called a particle","*cue groans from her brother and I" +"What's the weakest part of Tiger Woods game","Driving" +"I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said “Can u describe the symptoms","” I said “Homer's a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair”" +"They don't call me big eddy for nothing","Good thing, because big eddy for nothing would be a very strange nickname" +"My wife had to double check she wasn't pregnant. We were sitting on a little bench, watching birds going crazy over some bread that had been left on the ground. I wonder who gave the little birds those rolls , she said","Probably the casting director" +"I went to my psychiatrist and said, Doc. Every night I have this dream. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam","He said relax, you're two tents" +"Me: Honey, I'm about to fart Wife: Thank you, not everybody would warn people. classy move. Me: I think you mean *gassy* move","anybody knows a good divorce lawyer" +"I bought a new boomerang And now I cant throw away the old one","🤔" +"My daughter started yoga classes recently *me:* Do you know what's the best thing about being a yoga instructor. *her:* No. what. *me:* The flexible hours",":)" +"My grandfather was an entertainer in a belt factory. He’d walk from one area to the next, telling stories and jokes which built upon each other. Week after week, he kept the line workers entertained with his complex jokes","One day, he was fired when he forgot the hole punch line" +"Turquoise is the best color in the world","It’s been cyantifically proven" +"What do you call a car that likes to dance","A Mustango" +"Got my gf today. Gf: Do you wear contacts. Me: No why. Gf: oh it looks like you do, you have 20/20 vision then","Me: No I can't see five years from now" +"Last night, there was a seminar on how to withhold orgasms","Nobody came" +"What's a computer's favourite beat","An algo-rhythm" +"I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia","She whispered, They're right behind you" +"Why don't you feed Russians after midnight","They turn into kremlins" +"I’ve decided that with my stimulus check I’m going to buy a hat, then a shirt, and lastly some pants","Top down economic stimulation" +"Why do beers on airplanes cost so much","You're paying for the atmosphere" +"What's the best time to see a dentist","Tooth-hurty" +"Why did the alcoholic marry the chicken","She was the only Hennessys" +"Who was the best Kung fu Vegetable","Brocc Lee" +"I’m always right","except for one time I thought that I was wrong about something, but it turned out I was right" +"There’s 3 types of people in this world. those who can count","and those who can’t" +"How many knees do you have. Four","Right knee, left knee, weenie, heinie" +"She made me tear up with pride. Last night, we were doing laundry and I was putting the clothes from the washer into the dryer, but throwing them up into the dryer. I had a sock that i threw and she accidentally blocked it","Fiancee: You just got sock-blocked" +"It's amazing the Kardashians can even see Caitlyn Jenner","She's just so trans-parent" +"Does anyone want a pack of dead 9v batteries","They are free of charge" +"My daughter invited her aerospace engineering boyfriend to dinner so we could meet him","You're not very plane and Boeing as I thought you'd be" +"Helped my dad move a piano keyboard He asked my two younger brothers to take one side and he took the other. He asked me to take the stand. I asked him why he didnt want me to lift. Son, there comes a time in every man's life where he must take a stand","" +"Picking up desserts for wife & daughter at B&N when opportunity struck http://i. imgur. com/PzfeQDK","jpg" +"My dad just got me. I just dropped my phone on my right nut","At least it wasn't the wrong nut" +"I put my underwear on backwards today, and now they feel like a cheap hotel","No ballroom." +"I got dad-joked by my 2yr old Today I was dad-joked by my 2 year old daughter. In our usual half conversation /half Monologue I said 'I'm freezing' and she replied 'hi freezing'","I'm raising such a dry witted little butt bag" +"My grandpa always insisted on doing a thorough bug check when we visited his cabin","He was very per-tick-ular about it" +"What kind of doctor is always available on-call","An oncologist" +"What kind of car does Chewbacca drive. He doesn't have one","Ewoks" +"A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my front door, he was pretty passionate about them","I asked him if he was a Je-hoovers witness" +"My brother got extremely pissed off when he put the top on a pot of water upside down. Then he turned it over","He flipped his lid" +"When the person who invented the USB drive dies","They’ll lower the coffin into the grave, realize they put it in the wrong way and have to do it again" +"Met my girlfriend's family today I went to visit my girlfriend's family for dinner tonight. The grandparents are there, parents, grandkids, everyone. We're all sitting in the living room talking. I turn around and look at a picture on the wall from when the family was in Disney World. I had mentioned I have never been before and the following conversation happened : Grandmother: What. I thought everyone had been. We would of taken more trips but he (points to grandfather) is afraid of flying. Grandfather: My arms get too tired. Everyone groans and he and I bust up laughing","He and I are going to get along great" +"In one ear and out the other Me: -Talking on the phone- Dad: That better not be one of those sex hotlines Me: It's not, why","Dad: I don't want you to get hearing aids" +"Driving with my dad Driving with my dad and he asked if my blinker was on I was like yes. yes. yes. yes. yes","He smirked and called me a smartass" +"Dad just said That's some powerful laptop. (OC) http://imgur","com/Vmsz9bK" +"What has 2 legs but cannot walk, two wings but cannot fly, 2 eyes but cannot see","A dead bird" +"A few years back Hulk Hogan, Vin Diesel, and Arnold Schwarzenegger got together to show that classical music wasn't just for wusses. Hulk Hogan started of daying I'll be Beethoven. Next, Vin Diesel said I'll be Mozart","Finally, Arnold Schwarzenegger saidn I'll be Bach" +"Ever visited conjunctivitis. com","It's a real site for sore eyes" +"Pulled a joke reversal on my 6-year-old sister. Her: Knock, Knock. Me: Come in","I then spent the next 10 minutes trying to make her stop crying because I ruined her joke" +"My sister just lost her tongue in a bad accident","I wanted to make a joke out of it, but I think it would be very tasteless" +"What do tiny Mexicans use to cut their pizza","Little ceasars" +"Why do seagulls fly over the sea and not the bay","Because then they would be bagels" +"I'd tell you a joke about water wells","but I'm running dry" +"I think I pulled an Abbott and Costello on my drama teacher. Earlier today, we were going through costume inventory for our next musical and my teacher was going through the wigs. Him: Okay, we have a sugar plum wig, a fairy godmother wig, a witch wig. Me: Hey, Mr. Teacher, which wig. Him: The witch wig. Me: That's what I'm asking","One person groaned in the back,, and slowly, everyone got the joke and was groaning" +"I'm really worried about this ecoli outbreak","But lettuce romaine calm." +"I can't decide whether to return this pillow that I bought","I guess I'll sleep on it" +"Hey have you seen the movie Constipated","I thought so, because it’s not out yet" +"I keep falling off my bike and hurting myself","It's really a vicious cycle." +"Told my daughter not to talk about the brakes on her car","They’re really sensitive" +"Last night. I drempt. I was a muffler","I woke up exhausted" +"My dad and I by our coal stove Me: (taking a look at the thermometer on our stove) Dad: What are you looking at. Me: This thermometer for the stove. Its so old, does it still work. Dad: Yeah, to a degree","Needless to say, hysterical laughter ensued" +"When did the professors meet","Tenures ago" +"What is Taylor Swift's favorite vegetable. This. Sick","Beet" +"What do you call a pizza store in the caribbean",">Jack Sbarro" +"I asked my dad how long deers live for. Hey dad, how long do deers live for","I don't know but if I were to guess at least 10 deers God damnit dad" +"There’s a new Apple device that’s out to help teens cope with Dad jokes","Its called the iRoll with a companion app for adults called the Groan app" +"Me: Hello, Arnold. T-800, I need your help Arnold: I’m not a terminator anymore, I’m retired Me: But my house is filled with cockroaches & rats, please help. Arnold: How‘s that my concern","Me: If you’re retired doesn’t that make you an exterminator" +"I found an old file on my computer Romeo&Juliet","doc Turns out that it was a play on word" +"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer today","Not sure what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day" +"Did you hear about United States Postal worker who had a thing for transgendered prostitutes","He spent all day and night stuffing male boxes" +"My kids seem to really value simple marine lifeforms. They always talk about","Squidworth" +"Never use tap water as a perfume","It doesn't make any scents" +"We should enjoy Mayonnaise while we still can","From Saturday onwards, it's gonna be Juneonnaise" +"What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do on his free time","He stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog" +"Today, I accidentally played dad instead of dead when a bear was running at me","He can now ride a bike without training wheels" +"The Petting Zoo So my girlfriend and I went to a petting zoo over the weekend. We were wandering around and watched an encounter with a young boy (probably 2) and a chicken. The boy was was following the chicken around clucking and waving his arms, with his father close behind. The chicken became curious and darted towards the little boy, with that he screams and runs behind his dad","Without missing a beat, the dad chimes 'Woah, easy there - don't get startled or I'll be chicken your wrist for a pulse' We made eye contact and I gave him the chuckle he deserved" +"My 3yo has a future as a great dad We were eating Mac and Cheese for dinner outside yesterday. He dropped some on his chair. I told him he can't eat it because it is dirty now. He said, but Dad I want it its cherry now","I couldn't be more proud" +"What is the only day that doesn't end in y","Tomorrow" +"Expectant dads of Reddit, feel free to use this one: Do you know what it's going to be","Human, I hope" +"Why don’t healthy dyslexic people eat bread","Too many crabs" +"What do you call a factory that manufactures passable products","A satisfactory" +"Roadtrip dad to dad joke Visiting the grandparents with my parents, we decided to take a long drive out to a place my grandpa hasn't been a long time. Grandpa: Last time I was out here a cougar ran across the road right in front of me","Dad: Was it a blonde or brunette" +"I bought a new weed-whacker today","It's cutting hedge technology" +"Hey Pop, what time is it. Looks at his wrist. Dad doesn't have a watch on","Skin Time" +"After letting out a trumpet of a fart my toddler stopped, gasped and said, did you just hear that elephant","She's going too be a great dad someday" +"My. SIL put out snacks and my brother said Sweet. Dreams are. Made of cheese . I said, Who am. I to dis a","Brie?" +"I made a belt out of watches. Now","I'm stuck in a time loop" +"My yacht passenger was rude to me when he gruffly asked how will we embark upon our trip","So I told him to shove off" +"Anyone want to buy a broken barometer","No pressure" +"It was 90 degrees outside, but I felt nothing","Cos 90 =0" +"I just bought my wife a slinky outfit","I can't wait to see her going down the stairs" +"I used to make loads of bad jokes back in the day","Once a pun a time" +"A sailor walks into a thrift store after he lost a limb to a giant octopus","He said “I heard this is a second-hand shop, where they at?”" +"Vladimir Putin would make a great Vice President","He really can see Russia from his house" +"My son just got a great job. He has 500 men under him","He cuts grass at the cemetery" +"I was humming Smash Mouth's All Star and someone started to yell at me for getting that song stuck in their head","All I could think to say was Hey Now" +"I had a zinger at work One of my coworkers asked my supervisor how she stayed so tan. She replied by saying, Oh, I have a little Indian in me. I jumped in and said, What's his name","The cherry on top was that one of my other coworkers started laughing and said, Hey, that's something my dad would say" +"Five British teenagers were shot last night But when the police investigated the crime scene, they only found one bullet. The officer also noticed that the bullet holes entered the bodies on the right side of their heads, and came out at the left side","The officer turned to his colleague and stated: “Looks like the bullet was shot in One Direction”" +"Vampires need to stop turning their victims at such a young age","Help end Premature Draculation" +"my granddad had an accident eating curry he slipped into a korma. But it's okay, it's what he would have wanted","he ended up next to my naan" +"Who. Is. The. Singer who got speard","Dolly pardon" +"Unicyclists think they're so superior","Like, get off your pedal-stools" +"What does a fake poster say","Imposter" +"Dadjoke at Work Younger guy working with me is going help maintenance change some light bulbs today. But he tells me doesn't know where (we have 30 facilities). I stop typing, look at him and say, Well I guess you could say they're. leaving you in the dark","He shakes his head, pretends to chuckle (he's a bit new and thus required to agree with me), then goes about his work again" +"Do you want my best dad joke","Alright, but make sure you give it back" +"I dadjoked my dad on his boat After we bumped into the same rock he did last year, Dad: I got hung up on it last time","Me: It must have called you back Dad: ಠ_ಠ" +"My son asked me, Dad, what is an idiot. I said, An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me","He replied, No" +"can we stop dropping or throwing dad jokes. Some of these are really good and i'd hate if they broke or got ruined http://imgur","com/7Rgc1Mw" +"Free Matzohs","And that's a deal you can't passover" +"How do the zookeepers wake the animals in the morning","They set their a-llamas" +"Did you hear they're making a low-budget version of Dunkirk","They're calling it Dunkirkland" +"What is a sick bird","Illegal" +"Told my father my knee hurt with my brother in the car. F: You know, I was born with 3 knees. So were you. Your brother too. I asked the doctor about it when you were born. Sorry i didn't tell you. Me: That seems like important information. Brother: Why wait until now. F: Well, i figured you'd notice yous by now. The right knee, the left knee, and the wee knee. very audible groans were had","Edit: words" +"What do you call a pig that knows karate","A pork chop" +"For his birthday, I bought my friend a “I am A Nudist” t-shirt","I haven’t seen him wear it yet" +"What's a mole's favorite number","02x10^23" +"How to climb a ladder:. Step one. Step two. Step three. Step four. Step five. Step six. Step seven","Step eight" +"One of the Russians in my human pyramid team was recently deported","We don’t have Oleg to stand on" +"A respiratory therapist is on his death bed and his wife asks him what his final wishes were","He replies, I want to be cremated, there will be no coffin at my funeral" +"You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. It’s not the best","But it’s up there" +"I dad/imgoingtohellforthis joked my sister. Someone (somewhat) related to me recently passed away due to an autoerotic asphyxiation accident. I did not know him personally but my sister remembered him and wasn't too fond of him. She said, I remembered him being kind of a jerk. I don't know, he just rubbed me the wrong way","To which I replied, I think he rubbed himself the wrong way" +"I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday","I wasn't putting in enough shifts" +"What do you call a fear of acids","A pHobia" +"Did you hear about the robot that beat up a man","It was charged with battery" +"My friend dadjoked me while sexting I was at a sleep over with a friend and he is like sexting this girl from school","Me it's going to be awkward in school on Monday Him nah, we have science Me it's still going to be awkward between you two in science Him nah we have chemistry" +"If you take care of chickens","You become a chicken tender" +"It looks like we are going to have a good weather today, if I do say so myself","So" +"I wrote an article on punk music and my dad commented. with this 9/10 pun. ](http://i. imgur. com/rPbbMWG","png)" +"From my niece Why can't you give Elsa a balloon. Because she will just let it go","Ive had the biggest smile all day" +"The 10 year long dad joke. When i was growing up my dad would always tell this one joke. Once upon time there was a daddy tomato, a mommy tomato, and a baby tomato. One day the tomato family went for a walk, however the baby tomato started to fall behind. The daddy tomato got angry and went back to baby tomato stomped on him and said ketch-up He told this joke at least once a month for ten years. When I was sixteen he showed me Pulp Fiction. I nearly killed him at this scene https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=NrGeOHpEGk0" +"My dad's favorite spooky Halloween joke *My dad told me this the first time on Halloween night back when I was 9. He tells it to this day to any of my cousins, nephews, or any kids that happen to linger too long at the house when he's giving out candy. It's a long one but I have always enjoyed it. * Back when I was about your age, I went on a Halloween adventure. There was an old abandoned house on our street where a series of grisly axe murders had taken place years before. The house had never sold and was left vacant and was left to fall apart. There was a local legend that if you went into the house on Halloween night, you'd be confronted by the ghost of the murderer himself, still looking for more victims to add to his terrifying story. My friend Tom and I decided to go through with it one year. Knowing everyone would be too terrified to go into the house, we snuck in easily on Halloween night. The place was falling apart inside, the carpet was wet and moldy and the wallpaper was peeling off everywhere. We headed down carefully to the basement down a set of creaky stairs. At first we found nothing. Just an empty creepy old house. Suddenly we felt as if we were being watched. I was looking through one of the rooms in the large basement when I suddenly heard Tom shriek. I spun around and turned my flashlight and Tom was being chased by something, no *someone. * It looked like it was the murderer. A crazed man with an axe. We turned and tried to run anywhere. We were in the basement but couldn't get up the stairs because we were blocked. We ran into the side room which looked like it might have been the laundry years ago. We locked the door and looked for a way out. The only thing we could find was a small window that opened onto ground level. As I climbed out I heard a pounding on the door. I managed to wriggle my way through the window and turned around to help my friend Tom. Panicking, he managed to get his top half through the window when I noticed the pounding stop. Tom was stuck. I kept trying to pull him up but I couldn't. I pulled as hard as I could as Tom panicked and thrashed even more. I thought something had him caught, but it was even worse. The murderer had gotten behind him and was holding him back. He was too strong for me to overcome and he was pulling Tom's leg","*Just like I've been pulling yours this whole time" +"Joke from my grandfather Person: Well","GF: That's a deep subject" +"Yesterday my wife told me ISIS and the Taliban declared a holy war against one another","Jihad to be kidding me" +"what do you call a bee that's from America","a USB" +"I once tried to shred cheese with a knife","But then I found something grater" +"I guess you could say reddit isn't very","Victorious anymore" +"What's a pirate say when he gets kicked in the groin","Menards" +"My dad dropped this one on me a while ago I'd been saving up change that I got from eating lunch at my university, and I had at least 20 dollars in coins. I stored them inside of a watch container my dad gave me along with one of his old watches for my last birthday, and he was pretty sentimental about it. When I got home that day, I couldn't find it, and asked my dad for help. He told me You can't find that watch container","Have you no cents" +"Why do pirates make great singers","Because they like to hit the high seas" +"My ring feels tight Maybe you ate too much finger food. Context: Myself, my father and my gilfriend chatting around the fire. My dad made the comment about his wedding right feeling tight in the heat and my girlfriend make the joke","I like her" +"Communist jokes can be funny","But only if everyone gets them" +"What do you call mental illness in alligators","A reptile dysfunction" +"I have a bottle of eyes water. Ice water. No. http://imgur","com/4gufghR" +"What do you call leftover salad","The romaine-der" +"A dad walks up to his son who is wearing a new shirt. Dad: son, that’s a nice shirt, is it felt. Son: no, dad, it’s just a cotton shirt","Dad: *reaches and touches his son on the shoulder* well, it’s felt now" +"I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night","It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea" +"Why don't bees donate to charity","Because they're stingy" +"Why did the old man fall in the well","Because he couldn’t see that well" +"The world's most sarcastic man stands trial. How do you plead. asks the judge. Well, says the man","Usually on my knees with my hands together" +"Why was the pirate angry when he was checking out at the grocery store","Corn was a buccaneer" +"If a honey bee makes honey, what kind of a bee makes milk","A Boo bee" +"I bought my friend a new fridge for his birthday","I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it" +"What did my pajamas get on his report card","One C" +"Whenever the waiter/waitress asks if they can take our plates","Sure, they were yours to begin with" +"Which mouse walks on 2 feet. >. Mickey Mouse. < And which duck walks on two feet. >. Every duck","<" +"Dad: Isabelle, do you think I'm a bad father","Child: Dad, my name is Elanor" +"I was planning on cooking alligator for dinner tonight","but I only have a Croc Pot" +"Son: Mom, Dad, I'm gay. Mom: *Stares at Dad* Dad: *Clenches fist* Mom: Don't. Dad: *Sweats Profusely* Mom:","Dad: HI GAY, I'M DAD" +"Nothing will amount to this one. Context: I was doing some work in the kitchen, with my dad not far away. Dad: Does that Asian hamster ever get tired of doing maths. Me: What makes you think he's Asian. *Bickering, which eventually leads to. * Dad: Well, where is he form","Me: ^^^Hamsterdam" +"To the guy that found my empty wallet","I don’t know how to repay you" +"What did Michael Jackson call his denim store","Billie Jeans" +"Why don’t you want to fight Santa","Because he has a ‘black belt’" +"A man was arrested for handing out corpses on the street","talk about a dead giveaway" +"I think he may have asked about buying a kindle fire just to say this. My dad emailed my brother and I asking should I buy a kindle fire. As he struggles with any technology, I asked Why do you need a tablet","He responded in seconds: Because I think I'm Moses" +"I got the whole family to groan towards the end of our thanksgiving dinner today Right towards the end of dinner, I was feeling pretty full. So I said, “call me a turkey, cause I’m stuffed” Everyone groaned, including my dad, except Dad kinda chuckled and groaned at the same time","I thought it was hilarious" +"Why did the motorbike fall over","It was too tired" +"Got my fiancée at the grocery store today We were walking past the produce and she looks at me and says: Fiancée: What do you want, apples or oranges. Me: It's hard to choose, they don't really compare","She rolled her eyes, but I heard the guy next to me chuckle" +"My friend started his own shoes business","It's a **sole proprietorship**" +"An alcoholic wakes up in jail and asks the nearest officer why he's there For excessive drinking the officer replies","So the prisoner replies Great, when do we start?" +"Why can't a transgender see their father","Because he is transparent" +"What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court","Anette" +"Wearing out the hinges My friend had her Facebook taken over by her brother for the second time in two days. First post was I'm gay to which she posted the obligatory Oh no I left my phone unlocked status. Today her Dad made an amazing comment on the latest [status. ](http://imgur","com/iQl2N7w)" +"Geology rocks","But geography is where it's at!" +"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back","A stick" +"My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard","Personally, I’m on the fence" +"Wife got me at Ikea We were passing by a stuffed horse, and I said hey, want to buy a horse","to which she replied neigh" +"Never get bread for an appetizer when you go out for. Indian food","It's a naan-starter" +"Why is the grass depressed","It's forever a lawn" +"I met my wife when she was a whiskey maker","I love her still." +"My wife told me to put the baby down at bedtime","I said, son, you're never going to amount to anything." +"Why do babies grab at car keys","They are trying to get better motor control" +"What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers","Got your knows" +"The nurse handed me my new born baby. Sorry, your wife didn’t make it. *Hands the baby back*","Bring me the one my wife made" +"My mom refuses to make peas anymore with dinner. Every time she does my dad dumps a bunch on the table and says oh no","I've peed on the table!" +"Son: Mom, Dad, I'm gay. Mom: Stares at Dad Dad: Clenches fist Mom: Don't. Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom: . Dad: HI GAY, I'M DAD Son: No dad, I'm serious. Dad: You're serious","I thought you were Gay" +"My SO never gets tire-d of my dadjokes Driving down an empty road, we see an abandoned truck, completely burned and surrounded by tens of tires. SO: Wow. how do burn a big truck like that. and full of tires. Me: I guess you'd have to. wheel it. SO(without flinching): You know, your jokes can get so underinflated sometimes","We are meant to be" +"Hey kids, want to hear a couple of jokes. Joke","Joke" +"I was at the grocery store with my girl friend and picked up a cantaloupe Looked right at her and said, babe, how many times do I have to tell you","We cantaloupe" +"I drank 2 bottles of water at dinner last night","My dad told me to get help because I was an aquaholic" +"The Dad Joke Project It's simple: intentionally set your dads up for the worst puns imaginable and see if they take the bait","Post your results here" +"Why did the band hire a turkey as a drummer. Because he had the drumsticks. Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Please also checkout [Dadmoji on instagram ](www. instagram","com/dadmoji)" +"My workplace won an award for Most Polite Exit Signs","Nice going" +"My friend was eating out of a fruit cup. She dropped one of the fruits, which landed right in front of her foot. Without hesitation, I said, Fruit by the foot, am I right","She didn't talk to me for the rest of the day" +"Mmm I can tell this beef came from a bull. If it was from a cow it’d be a Ms","Steak" +"I always use avocados in target practice","I guess you could make some Glockamole" +"What do ghosts drink","Boos" +"A man's bottom was frozen solid","You're not supposed to laugh about it, but still" +"My neighbor put up a new transparent barrier around their house. My dad is up in arms","He said it’s clearly offensive" +"Two windmills are standing in a wind farm One asks What's you favorite type of music","The other says I'm a big metal fan" +"Where does ground beef go to dance","To a meatball" +"What will happen when Satan will put videos on youtube","They will get demonitized" +"The inventor of air conditioning has died","Thousands of fans attended his funeral" +"What is it so stinky on a farm","It smells like dairy-air" +"I misplaced my pizza cutter, so I used my Bryan Adams CD","It cuts like a knife" +"What did Bob Ross's employees call him for short","Boss" +"Have you heard the rumor going around about butter","Nevermind, I shouldn't spread it" +"So Missed. Showing up at grandparent's for the holidays and this happened. Kid: We Missed You","Me: You should aim better" +"Can someone give me a loan","I feel very loanly" +"Why do zebras have stripes","Because they don't want to be spotted" +"What ended in 1759","1758" +"So my dad and I stopped next to a cemetery getting ready to go on a dirtbike ride. Me: A cemetery. huh. Dad: Yep. I guess you could say people are dying to get here","Me: sdjfiojsdiofajdiafjioadsjf *slowly dies inside*" +"I informed my wife that the world does not revolve around our daughter. Wife: Why would you say that","Me: She's our daughter; not our Sun" +"My pregnant wife asked me if. I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her…","I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”" +"So I can legit ride a unicycle, and my mom always told me it would never get me anywhere in life. I looked her dead in the eye and said “No mom","Where there’s a wheel, there’s a way" +"I couldn't figure out how to use the seatbelt","Then it just clicked" +"What do you call a man with a pace maker and irritable bowel syndrome","A gas electric hybrid" +"My four year old has never even heard a dad joke before. My daughter: Dad, are you hungry. Me: No, I'm not hungry. Are you hungry. My daughter: No, I'm Lydia","Dangit" +"What’s expensive but also free of charge","A Tesla with a dead battery" +"When you give your partner their last supper","Fed-Ex" +"Woman working in bakery said 'they don't let us handle cash' I replied, but they let you handle the dough","She laughed, my daughter didn't" +"What do you call a dollar bill that has been farted on","Gas money (credit to my previous co-worker)" +"My dad sent me the perfect dadjoke today. I was sitting at work today and my dad sent me this: http://imgur","com/vtwCbnO He's notorious for dadjokes, and normally I just roll my eyes, but this one had me laughing pretty hard today" +"What is the most uncooked subreddit","r/aaw" +"My sister told me this My sister works as a social worker dealing with adults with intellectual disabilities. This happened today. The staff was talking to the clients about food and fast food chains. Staff: Where is your favorite place to get your fried chicken from","Client: From my plate" +"I got in my car and put the key in the ignition but left my door open because it was hot. There is this ding to tell me my keys are in the ignition still. I shut the door and the ding stops. But I turn on the car and it starts dinging again for my seatbelt notice","Man, if it's not one ding it's another" +"I texted my daughter today saying I love u … She replied, Oh, really",":) I said, Yes, it's my favourite vowel" +"Just watched two Silkworms chase each other up a leaf","It ended in a Tie" +"Did you hear about the dad who got divorced after starting a food fight in a restaurant","As you can guess, his wife got custurdy" +"How did the bank robber choose his next target","He used Google safe search" +"What do you call the instrument panel on a terrorist's car. The Daesh board","I'll see myself out" +"What does a cow’s car horn sounds like","Beef beef" +"I sell bear gloves on etsy. But","PETA keeps telling me it's a faux pas." +"What did one butt cheek say to the other","We can stop this shit together" +"How much water is on earth","Enough to fill an ocean" +"My son keeps asking me to tell him what a solar eclipse is","I just tell him no sun" +"I hate it when kids these days write “angle” instead of “angel","” They are just trying to be edgy" +"My dad told me about a ship that crashed while carrying thousands of jars of mayonnaise","Sinko de mayo" +"I got hit in the head with a can of coke today……","I’m ok though it was just a soft drink" +"My girlfriend and. I were watching. Harry. Potter back to back. Luckily. I was the one facing the","TV." +"I replaced our bed with a trampoline. The","Mrs hit the roof" +"Ewok walks into a bar An Ewok strolls into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll have a whisky and …… soda. ” The bartender says, “Sure thing—but why the little pause. ” “Dunno,” says the Ewok","“I’ve had them all my life" +"I just got back from a. Transformers convention","And boy are my arms tires." +"The pet bird gets so happy when he perches atop our wall clock","He's completely over the noon" +"Unintentional dad joke Not sure if this counts, but its a story my dad loves telling. My grandparents were Dutch immigrants to Australia, and so English wasn't their first language","When my dad was 7, his teacher told my grandparents Francis is a smart kid, but he requires supervision - so they took him to an optometrist" +"I can't wait for spring","It'll be such a re-leaf when it gets here" +"What did the wind turbine say to it's inventor","OMG I'm such a huge fan" +"My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters","Our daughter Chewbacca, not so much" +"I used to be addicted to soap","But now I'm clean" +"I lost a lot of Friends today","when I misplaced my DVD collection" +"I was talking about my dog being put down when my husband interjected with a racist dad joke. Me: Did you know euthanasia is pink. Husband: What do you mean. Youth in Asia are yellow. Because apparently euthanisia sounds like youth in Asia","Face palm" +"What does Carly Rae Jepsen's Dad call her. Maybe","He calls her maybe" +"I'd like to point out that r/dadjokes is about 100 subs away from 2 million. My father told me a million times","Never to exaggerate." +"My daughter finally found a good man that works as a comedian","He’s a real stand up guy." +"What is the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo","One is really heavy and the other one is a little lighter" +"So my family and I were playing Settlers of Catan. I say, l have a lot of ore. Want to trade for some","He responds, Do you have any And" +"Policeman: What is your name. Me: The Wizard of Oz Policeman: Your FULL name","Me: (quietly) the Wizard of ounces" +"Broma Papá (x-post from /r/tumblr) http://i. imgur. com/CrhbZdv","png" +"Did you all hear that Post Malones' lesser known brother was arrested","His name is Post Mabail" +"We had a daughter with one leg just slightly shorter than the other, her name was","Eileen" +"Why do Danish naval ships have barcodes printed on their sides","So when they dock they can Scandinavian" +"Tennis coach would do this to almost everyone he met. He'd take out his keys and show us the key chain. [See this here. It's for when I want to play *a little tennis*](http://www. qualitylogoproducts. com/tradeshow-promotions/tennis-ball-keychain-stressball-extralarge-8110","jpg) Then it would be repeated to anyone nearby" +"I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest","Only then will we reach peak internet" +"What did the bucket say to the rope in the dark","Well, well, well" +"What do you call fake potatoes","Imitaters" +"Where do you go to buy secondhand seafood","A prawn shop" +"Why do fish live in salt water","Because pepper makes them sneeze" +"I told my wife they I had a joke about cheese And not to worry, because it's a gouda one. She groaned. So I asked how I could make it cheddar. She was frowning. I told her not to be so bleu","Then I stopped because it was getting stiltoned" +"As a chubby person, I always avoid wearing skinny jeans","I find it very difficult to pull them off" +"Hey how does a pirate watch netflix","On his ayyyyye pad" +"I slept like a baby last night","Woke up every two hours crying and pooping myself" +"Doing some yard work. Me: I'm going to go mow","Wife: See you later Curly" +"So I recently joined a nudist colony","The first few days were the hardest" +"What is the heaviest food","Wonton" +"If someone stole a Tesla","Would it become an Edison" +"A Father is washing his car with his son. When his son says","Dad, can you just use a sponge" +"Idk if it's been posted before but. I had to quit my job at the recycling plant last month. I'm really bummed. Why you ask. It was soda-pressing","Lmfao my friends groan every time they hear it" +"Would anybody be interested in being my companion","Asking for a friend" +"Why did the art thief's van run out of fuel","He had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh" +"Hey. I'm gonna run to","Walmart real quick, be back soon *It'd be faster if you drove*" +"Why does the Norwegian navy have bar codes on the side of their ships","So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian" +"Every year at work they make us do a Sexual Harassment training, and I don't see what the big deal is","Harassment nothing to me" +"Scientists have recently engineered a new species of frog that have become immortal after removing their vocal cords","They can’t croak." +"What do you call a pig with nicotine addiction","Smoked Ham" +"Where do bees go to the bathroom","BP stations" +"What firearm is used to perfectly season food","An As-salt rifle" +"How does Bob Marley like his donuts. With jam in. What does Bob Marley say to his friends when they come round to his for a bite to eat","I hope you like jam in too" +"If often dont tell dad jokes","But when I do, he laughs" +"Why did the anvil get sent to AA","Because it was always getting hammered" +"My dad cracked this one as he was pickup up dog poop How does three trees and three dog turds add up to ten","Tree and a turd, tree and and turd, tree and a turd" +"All this while, I thought my son was majoring in Oceanography","Turns out he is just a C student" +"If 'measuring' was a town, what will be its king called","The Ruler Credit to my 10 year old nephew RM" +"What type of magazines do cows read","Cattle logs" +"How do fleas travel from animal to animal","They itch hike" +"I dont know why drunks fail the line test","I mean it's pretty straight forward (not even a dad)" +"I love the way the. Earth rotates","It really makes my day." +"I’ve gotten so used to taking my contacts out over the years","I should be able to take them out with my eyes closed" +"Down syndrome. Me and my dad were driving in the car and we got onto the topic of the human anatomy and such. Me: you know how people with an extra chromosome have Down's syndrome. Dad: yeah. Me: what happens to people with one less chromosome","Dad: they get up syndrome" +"No matter how much you push the. Envelope","It'll still be stationary" +"My dad and I are driving down the highway when we see a sign for fresh Amish cheese. The sign- Made with real Amish milk","My dad- Huh, I wasn't aware you can milk the Amish" +"What do you call a video game gorilla who shrinks by 50% each day","Exponential DK" +"I have been happily married for 15 years","I’ve been married for 36." +"Where do pigs park cars","A porking lot" +"My boss said he is going to fire the employee with the worst posture","I have a hunch it might be me" +"Friends Dad dropped this one Friend: I've been offered a free trial of contact lenses. Dad: I prefer glasses","Contact lenses can't hold as much beer" +"So, I sat down to watch it. like all the Americans do, but I don't get. What's so special about it. http://i. imgur. com/mSmt90P","jpg" +"Ever hear the one about the circus","It was in tents" +"I had a dream that I was a muffler","I woke up exhausted" +"What's the cheapest meat","Deer balls, they're under a buck" +"Where do you find a turtle with no legs","Right where you left it" +"Towel issue was at a pool with my dad Dad: what's wrong with the towels Me:","nothing Dad: are you sure, cause there's something wrong Me: I don't think so Dad: there is some issue with them Me:what are you even talking about Dad: *Points to sign where you get towels from, it says towel issue * Me: okay dad" +"My dad and I are walking around Munich and I point out all the construction","True story, he says, “The crane business must be booming" +"Why are there no vampire philosophers","They don't reflect" +"A small psychic escaped from prison","The call went out that there was a small medium, at large" +"My friend decided to grow some marijuana on the fields beside his cow farm","I told him to be careful, the steaks are high" +"My wife asked if Ben Folds Five was related to Ben Ten","I think they're half brothers" +"I found out where peppers come from","The pepper mint" +"I heard there's a woman with six pairs of breasts","That sounds bizarre dozen tit" +"What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches","A nervous wreck" +"A friend of mine was really excited to tell me about a guy she had just met. She said he was well-dressed, good-looking and charming. And he was a game ranger. I said, I'm sorry to hear that. But, what's a mranger. She rolled her eyes as I soaked in the glory. I hope I'll make a good dad","Edit: changed also to but for clarity" +"Citizen Kane is considered one of the greatest movies of all time largely for it's cinematography. One scene in particular is famous for it's floor shot for which they had to literally dig a pit in the middle of the stage to acheive the correct perspective","It was groundbreaking" +"I parked my car next to a frog reserve","Apparently it’s illegal so my car got toad away" +"How do you catch a unique rabbit. How do you catch a unique rabbit. Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit","Tame way, unique up on it" +"If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks","Cost me an arm and a leg!" +"What do female variables wear","AlgeBras" +"A string walks into a bar. sits down and says, I'd like to order one beer please. The bartender says with a scowl, We don't serve. strings round here. Frustrated, and thirsty, the string exits the bar. He thinks hard, and decides to tie himself into a knot, and rustles his top, and walks back into the bar and sits down. I'd like one beer please. Bartender says, Hey. aren't you that string that was in here a while ago","' The string smiles and says, No, I'm a frayed knot" +"I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators","I'm taking steps to avoid them" +"People should really be more disappointed in gravity","It lets everyone down." +"Overheard a dad tell this to his son at a restaurant. Dad: Once I got in a fight at a restaurant. Son: How","Dad: The waitress asked if I wanted a *box* for my food" +"What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic","About half way" +"What kind of exercise do lazy people do","Diddly-squats" +"Advanced IQ Dad Joke **So I heard Minecraft recently passed Fortnite as most searched game","** &#x200B; &#x200B; Whoever made the game must have really brought it up a Notch" +"To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket. You can hide but you can't run","😈" +"Air used to be free at gas stations, now it's $1. Know why","Inflation" +"The tale of Ivan Ivanavich (Long) There once was a man from the Ukraine named Ivan Ivanavich. Now Ivan and his family were dirt poor, in fact they were so poor, that they had to sell the cockroaches and rats they found in their hovel to make some spare change to to feed their many family members. One day, Ivan decided it was time to travel to the United States to try and have a better life and miraculously he managed to get aboard a ship to the States. Now his journey on this ship was miserable, he was down in the bowels of the ship, which was flooded with rats and feces, but he hunkered down and gave it his all to survive this terrible journey. finally, one day he hears commotion above, they had arrived at last. Ivan walks up to the topside of the old ship and sees the New York Harbor. He stands there amazed seeing such a beautiful sight. Ivan starts his life in New York but he doesn't have a significantly better life than the one he left behind. Nobody is interested in hiring immigrants but eventually he lands himself a gig of selling old newspapers. He would go through garbage cans to find old papers and would sell them to people in the poorer part of town. He makes slightly more spare change, but not really enough to live a better life. In his spare time, which he had plenty, he decides to start free diving in the bay. He goes there each day, and started to get really good at it. One day, an owner of a Circus spots him diving and is amazed at how good he is. He decides to offer Ivan a job at his circus doing performance diving. Ivan eagerly accepts and begins his career as a circus member performing amazing high jumps into really small containers of water. After a few months of doing this he suggests to the owner one amazing jump to wow everyone and put his circus on top of the entertainment world. The owner contemplates this and eventually agrees. He rents a ship much like the one Ivan arrived in and placed the smallest container yet. The radio and tv crews, journalist all arrive to spectate the event of a lifetime. The hour arrives and Ivan begins his climb up a massive lighthouse on the edge of the cliff, and the ship is positioned into place beneath him. Ivan is very nervous but decides it's go time, and jumps from the massive lighthouse. As Ivan falls, he takes perfect form heading straight towards his target. As he dives a sudden wave pushes the ship ever slightly throwing off the careful alignment. Ivan hits the deck and goes straight through the top of the ship. The spectators all horrified, gasp and cry out wondering if he survived. There is a dead silence and everyone has a grim look on their face but amazingly, Ivan emerges from the hole in the top of the ship. Reporters are shocked and race to Ivan asking How on Earth did you survive that. , No man could of survived that fall","Ivan looks to the reporters and says Throughout my life I have been through many hardships" +"I met a North African girl the other night, and we spoke for hours","We just clicked" +"Why did the dog not show his mom any affection","He didn’t have his Licker license" +"When. I was a kid,. I thought. I had a. Chinese friend, but it was just my imagine","Asian." +"Having sex in an elevator is wrong","on so many levels" +"What's a terrorist's favorite place to eat","An Allah snack bar" +"Whats the best part about living in switzerland","i dunno but the flag is a big plus" +"Serial killer A serial killer who takes body parts as trophies was captured after attacking a uniformed police officer and severing her arm","When asked why he went after the officer despite the danger, he simply replied It was a wrist I was willing to take" +"What do you call a meal from the moon","A satellite dish" +"My wife was a great dad this morning In rapid succession this morning to entertain our 6-week-old, my wife says: 2 deer walk into a bar and order drinks. The bartender says, That will be 2 bucks. A giant duck walks into a bar. The bartender says, Sorry no large bills. 2 rabbits are eating at a restaurant. One jumps into the other one's soup","The second one calls the waiter and complains, There's a hare in my soup" +"What do you call an Alien with three eyes","An Aliiien" +"What’s Ironman without his suit","Stark Naked" +"What did the skeptical man say when the chiropractor fixed his broken back","I stand corrected" +"If I ever became a scuba instructor that did group dives","I’d like to be referred to as the “wetting planner" +"Gordan. Ramsey just had his fifth kid","I guess we found something he likes raw" +"My penis was recently in the. Guinness. Book of. World. Records","Then the librarian kicked me out for public indecency" +"Pulled this one on my mom today Relaxing on the patio today, mom wanted me to dig her a hole so she could put a plant in it. Mom: Can you help me dig a hole","Me: I'm relaxing now, how about a half" +"Why don't ants get sick","They have little anti-bodies" +"Every. Christmas. My dad would use this classic every Christmas: when I would pick up a small square present from under the tree","Dad: I think it's a hockey stick" +"A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff","Baaa-dum-tssss" +"What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese","Muenster" +"I went to the art museum to see a Van Gogh","I think it had just delivered a package or something" +"What's the difference between a well-dressed bicyclist and a poorly dressed unicyclist","Attire" +"I'm both bilingual and bisexual. But. I don't believe lesbians are any less bien than","I am!" +"Did you know optometrists live longer","They dilate" +"My wife asked me why I gave my daughter a pacifier","I responded: to pacifier" +"What did Van Gogh say to the haters","I can't hear you" +"So the doctor apologized to me for making me wait","I told him im patient" +"Moving out Talking to my parents today I said If you know anyone getting rid of a couch jump on it","Dad replies I wouldn't jump on it you might ruin the springs" +"Shirts and ties Just got back from shopping for new work clothes with my girlfriend. She picked out two button-down shirts for me to consider. The first was a blue-green color. I told her it wouldn't work because it doesn't match most of my ties. The second shirt was solid gray. You could wear a lot of your ties with this color, she said. True, I said","But wearing more than one would look kind of silly" +"Dad joked my pub quiz team. In the quiz, one of the questions was which birthday did Judge Judy celebrate this week. I said It's obvious, the birthday she celebrated was her own. Unfortunately, I was outvoted, so we put down 72 as our answer","We came second, by a single point" +"After surgery, I made these two little gems in the recovery room 1) I asked my blood type ( genuinely didn't know it). When they said A Positive, I mused, that must explain why I'm such a positive guy. ” ( got a pretty good chuckle from those in the room) 2) They realized I didn't need oxygen and hauled the tank out of the room. I uttered, tanks for nothing","(got a bigger chuckle) Not the greatest puns ever, but not bad for just coming out of general anesthetic :)" +"Why do the Norwegian Navy have barcodes on the side of their ships","So when they come back to Port they can Scandinavian" +"My friend was going on holiday to the. Greek. Island of. Rhodes","I told him to watch out for the cars." +"I noticed there aren't many granddad jokes around here any more","Did those get old too fast?" +"Today is international golf day fore","fore" +"I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner","It was just gathering dust" +"What do you call it when a lizard can't get an erection","A reptile dysfunction" +"From my 8 year old son. Him: Dad, what do you call numbers that can't sit still. Me: I don't know, what. Him: Roman numerals","(I'm so proud" +"I was playing hide and seek with spring and could not find it","Then it came around the corner" +"Some guy is at a party. trying to get a drink from the punch bowl. He queues up, there are a lot of people there. Everyone's trying to get a drink. In line. Everyone at this party is trying to get some punch. Some people are chatting, it's a scene. The whole party. Everyone standing there. Trying to get a drink. It feels like they've been standing there forever. No one's really moving. They're just standing there, waiting for a chance to get punch","Finally, growing impatient, the man says where's this punchline going" +"My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying this isn't working bye","I opened it, it worked fine" +"TIFU by mixing up by wifes sandwich order at. Subway","Whoops, wrong sub." +"My dad asked me if I wanted to hear a joke about construction","still working on it" +"What do you call a Jamaican proctologist","Pokémon" +"Why can't the eel and the eagle get married","Because it would be illegal" +"Somebody just threw a jar of omega-3 tablets at my head","Don’t worry, my injuries are super fish oil" +"How do you know if ham is no longer sick","It's cured" +"Dad your socks need to go to church they're so holy","No they don't they're shoeish" +"My dad always said, There are two ways you know you're getting old. First, you start to forget things","I can never remember the second one" +"Coworker said, if you do that again, I'll kick you in the shin. That's alright, I wore shinguards today. . why. Just for kicks","All I got for my wit was a deadpan look and a slow head shake" +"7 years a slave I'm visiting my parents and my dad tells me he watched 7 years a slave. My mom goes 'you mean 12 years a slave. ' My dads response. 'No, I haven't finished watching it yet","'" +"Sorry if this is a bit TMI, but I thought you all would appreciate this one. So I was having sex with this new girl I'm talking too. During, she said Go deeper. So I stopped and started talking about my childhood and stuff. Totally worth it 100%","She didn't appreciate it as much as I did though" +"What do you do with a dead chemist","You barium" +"How does a pirate describe a sin graph","‘Scurrrvyyy" +"I'm going to write you a letter.","B" +"What do you call a side table after a hookup","A one night stand" +"How does the Moon cut his hair","'e clips it" +"Dad just got me with this one I had my sleeves rolled up at a restaurant and dad says “Are your forearms cold. ” I said no, so he responds with “how about your three arms","” Edited: Spelling" +"Where does a Horse go when it gets sick. A fish. A duck. A bird. A wolf. A dog. The horsepital. The weterinarian. The ducktor. The flychologist. The dentist","On your carpet usually" +"Whenever I go to a Apple Store, I feel like a three year old at a candy shop","I can’t afford anything" +"What did the 4 say to the 6","Nothing; Numbers can't talk" +"There's a snow storm warning for NY, including Wall Street","What a terrible time for shorts" +"This was so good/bad it made my for year old daughter go, ugh. Why was the scientist so interested in the fossilized mint plant","Because it was an ex-spearmint" +"Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement","I think he just did it for a tin chin" +"My duck got arrested. Apparently he's a quackhead. I tried to bail him out, they wouldn't let me","Said he was a flight risk" +"Did you hear about the green onion that went to jail","Turns out he was a real rapSCALLION" +"I have this bad habit","Of not finishing the" +"Jokes for driving by the beauty school Each time we drive by the beauty school I attempt a dad joke. Here are some of my favorites. I wonder how often they use highlighters in their coursework. Do you think they have extension courses. Students are dying to get out of there. Does every teacher allow makeup work. You know, they're doing the opposite of filing for unemployment. I wonder how often they change the locks in there. Do you think cutting class is a requirement. Does each student have a permanent record","Do my puns make you want to curl up and dye" +"Where do generals keep their armies","In their sleevies" +"I’m never time traveling with my kids again","They keep yelling from the back seat —- “Were we there already" +"My grandma asked my friend you've never worn contacts or classes, right. You have good eyes","To which he replied, Yeah, last time I looked He then proceeded to laugh at his unintentional joke for a few minutes, while the rest of us rolled our eyes" +"Drove past a sign on the freeway that said, Southern California Institute for the Deaf . I *heard* that was a great school. My wife groaned the rest of the drive to her parents house","Also, I'm not a dad but I think I'm ready" +"Why wouldn't the rock fan crowd surf at the concert","He didn't want to get carried away" +"Old man walking down the street pulled this one. Have you heard the latest. Uh, no","Of course not, it isn't out yet" +"Why do American painters always move to the Southwest","The prefer CA, NV, AZ" +"Hey can you tell me what the proper name for a ninja star is","Shuriken" +"TIL: George Washington predicted that eventually the $1 bill will contain his likeness","In that regard, he was on the money" +"What do you call juice with no ice","Ju" +"Hey dad, have you seen my sunglasses. No, son","Have you seen my dadglasses" +"Was at the dentist today after getting a crown. After my crown, my dentist gave me a heads-up about a cavity under my filling in another tooth. I told her, Thanks for *filling* me in","She didn't really laugh" +"I guess we've hit this level of comfort with each other My SO asked if he could go down on me while I am on my period. He said he has always wanted to earn his 'red wings","' I stared at him a little weirded out and said 'well, ok, but I don't want to know how one earns their maple leafs" +"100 Years Ago. Everyone had horses and only rich people had cars. Today, everyone has cars and only rich people have horses","My, the stables have turned" +"Being an electrician really wasn't the career I wanted But I still went to work every day with a conduit attitude","-My neighbor" +"My Wife and I Laugh About How Competitive We Are But I Laugh More","And Louder" +"Why don't ants get sick","Because they have little anty-bodies" +"Some prehistoric humor. Why shouldn't you make fun of a paleontologist. ============================== Because you will get Jurasskicked","[Please be gentle, lol]" +"I Was a 5th Grade Dad. Mrs. Bennett used to give us our homework about 15 minutes before the school day was over. Usually, I'd just stuff it in my backpack and wait anxiously for the bell to ring. On this day, though, I was ready--I'd paid attention. I sped through problem after problem and when I was finished, I presented the worksheet to Mrs. B, my chest swollen with pride. She quickly marked the sheet with red pen and said, I know you know this stuff. You need to quit rushin', to which I immediately replied, I'm not Russian, I'm Slavic","She groaned and gave me the paper to re-do" +"Talking to my wife about giving birth. Wife: . Yeah, it was kind of an out-of-body experience","Me: Especially for the baby" +"Dad: cmon son just try some. Son: Dad, why do you want me to try this chapstick so bad","Dad: because it’s the balm" +"If youre really warm this summer","Just put on sunglasses and youll be cooler" +"*Dad singing while making sushi for the first time* Sashimi rolling","they hatin'" +"what did green say to yellow","i've been so blue since you left me" +"Got my co-worker about his car **Me:** What kind of car do you drive","**Him:** Saab **Me:** (fake crying)What kind of car do you drive" +"last night i dreamt i was a muffler","woke up this morning feeling exhausted" +"Why do some pirates have bad breath","Because not all who plunder have flossed" +"I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today","I should have cooked it at Aloha temperature" +"What did the nervous dog say when asked if he had to go to the bathroom in Manila. Am I full of pee","No" +"My chemistry set blew up","I guess oxidants do happen" +"what did one hat say to the other","you stay here i'll go on ahead" +"Some people see. ADD as a problem","I prefer to see it as a plus" +"Just had a great moment in the car My friends and I are all students attending OU. We were driving by our college, when. Friend: Hi school. Me: No Samuel, that's college","It took 30 seconds of me emphasizing/repeating the wording to get them to realize what I meant" +"Until recently. I never thought","I wanted a beard… …but lately its been starting to grow on me" +"My girlfriend spent £120 just to get her nails cleaned","She's very serious when it comes to DIY" +"Ever seen a quarter screw a dime. http://i. imgur. com/EDlAj3a","jpg" +"There's a food rating site for food. I try to make","It's called welp..." +"Crocodiles are going extinct","They're not able to reproduce due to a reptile dysfunction" +"Just been to Tesco and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas","I can't believe the currant exchange rate" +"Think twice before you cross that street","I heard it's really well-connected in this city" +"When does a joke become a “dad joke","” When it becomes apparent" +"Why do midgets make bad parents","They always struggle to put food on the table" +"I saw a midget in a. KKK outfit today","I think he is a little racist" +"What's brown and sticky","A stick" +"What starts with T, ends with T, and is full of T","Teapot" +"Friend is taking a trip to Peru She had to go to the doctor to get caught up on her vaccines. I told her to be careful of that ancient Peruvian cold I've been hearing about","Achoo Pichu" +"My wife keeps saying Stop pretending to be butter","But I'm on a roll now" +"I used to know a guy who did circumcisions","The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips." +"You cannot plant flowers","if you haven't botany" +"What do you call a car that's covered in leaves","An Autumnobile" +"11 people have died on the summit this past week","Won't those people Everest" +"At dinner. Sitting around the table in a local restaurant the other night, I finally evolved to my final form. My daughter, 5, kept dropping her garlic rolls on the floor and was getting really upset. I asked her if she was on fire, and the look from my wife told me that she knew what was coming. My two teenaged sons looked at me with the faces that I've seen a thousand times, yet never get tired of seeing. Sweetheart, are you on fire. No, daddy. Well, I thought you were, because you can't stop drop'n rolls. I got all rewards from this one","Groans, eye rolls, and of course I cracked myself up" +"Forget kale","What are Keith Richards and Betty White eating" +"sin/cos *Me, Dad, holding Mom's calculator while furiously mashing the [ tan( ] button* Me: tan tan tan tan tan tan-- Mom: What the fuck are you doing","Me: Sorry, I kinda went off on a tangent there" +"How does a doggo store leftovers","With pupper-ware" +"Why does the Norway Navy have bar codes on the side of their ships","So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian" +"why do communist only drink iced tea","because they hate proper-ty" +"What is God's favorite guitar chord. G-Sus These guys get it. :) https://imgur","com/a/xskOd" +"Breaking news: guy at the salt mine rushed to hospital for knee injury. Turns out he tore","N aCl" +"If the Super Bowl went into overtime, does that mean the first 4 quarters were just a really long commercial since the game was Tide. I really hope Tide had another commercial ready just in case. Edit: Thank you for the Reddit Gold, kind stranger","My first" +"I went to try a new Chinese-German fusion restaurant for dinner last night","30 minutes later, I was hungry for power" +"What dip does Shere Khan from the Jungle Book prefer","Guacamowgli" +"Despair","What a Jamaican gets when he's bowling" +"Some women are part of itty bitty titty committee","But some man are stuck in bare-skin hair-thin chin commission" +"My kids lost their wiffle ball at the family cookout. They made a ball from some aluminum foil","My dad told them that now they're playing with a Wif-foil ball" +"There's a band called 1023 MB","They haven't had any gigs yet" +"To the boy who stole my anti-depressants","I hope you’re happy now" +"Religious. Kleptomaniacs. Kleptomaniacs take the","Bible literally." +"Better late than never this november http://imgur","com/a/TXlB2" +"“How much wood have you chopped. ” “Not sure","Let me check the logs" +"Asking my daughter some Brainquest (kids trivia) questions: Is a pair of socks an even or odd number. Her response: Even","But they smell odd" +"Got my flatmate at breakfast FM: Damn, my last two eggs. I keep seeming to go through them quicker and quicker. Me: Would you say you're being eggsponetial","Needless to say, I didn't get a hot breakfast" +"Here's your black coffee sir. Sweet. Actually it's not sweet","It's black coffee" +"The police came to my door this morning to tell me my dogs had been chasing people on bikes","My dogs don’t even own bikes" +"What do you call a funny mountain","HILL-arious" +"I guess there have been safety concerns regarding NASCAR's track designs; specifically with the turns. In an attempt to address them, the courses were reversed","They're all right now" +"I thought my roommate was joking when he said Gary Oldman was in the Harry Potter movies","He was dead Sirius" +"Dad is in hospital, texted me this My Dr only gave me 6 months to live - so I chose October to April 2056","I laughed and yelled at him for scaring me" +"Dad Joke From One Dad To Another I'm a dad, and I told my dad this, so I think it counts. It got a lot of groans, so I think it's great, if a bit long. --- I once lived near a small, simple town where there lived named Hugh. Hugh was a very smart man stricken with a series of personal tragedies earlier in his life. As a result, he moved to this small town and took a job in his local florist shop, relaxing the days away arranging flowers and trying not to think of times past. Hugh grew to love working there. One day, a disaster struck the town. A small, single engine airplane crashed a block from Hugh's shop, killing those on the plane and setting fire to several buildings, both occupied and empty. The impact ruptured a gas line, which ultimately exploded, creating a shock wave that caused part of the building next to the florist shop to collapse and trap several of Hugh's customers and co-workers inside. The situation was desperate, as the shop would be burned to the ground at any moment. Acting quickly, Hugh located the gas main, shutting it down. Next, Hugh noticed a water storage tank nearby, and opened a release valve that suffocated the fire before it reached his beloved shop. With the fire out, and the florist shop saved along with those trapped inside, Hugh was a hero. The town presented him with a plaque in honor of his courageous deeds. On this plaque was a detailed etching of a bear, and Hugh was touched because he loved bears. But it was the words etched beneath that truly touched him","Only Hugh could prevent florist fires" +"Walking down at the beach the other day I heard a man screaming “HELP, SHARK, HELP ME PLEASE","” I just laughed to myself and thought, that sharks never gonna help him" +"One day, Canada is going to take of the entire world","Then you'll all be sorry" +"My dad just came in from trimming the trees. he was all bloody and scratched up. I yelled dad you look awful. to which he responded If you think this is bad, you should see the other guy","He lost several limbs" +"What did the stamp say to the envelope","Stick with me and we'll go places" +"When my grandpa died, he passed down his prized English toilet to my son","He is the heir to the throne" +"What do you eat for breakfast with a friend who has recently awakened from hibernation","Bear with me, comatoast" +"Why does a rabbit fear barbers","Because they are haredressers" +"What is your opinion of feather pillows","I’m down" +"I told my parents I had a terminal illness and they freaked out","Since when is getting a headache at the airport such a big deal" +"I just realized all my ex-girlfriends dumped me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions","Oh well, hindsight is 1" +"Archaeologists have uncovered a mummy in egypt covered in nuts and chocolate","They believe it's Pharaoh Roche" +"AEIOU","AUEIO I had a vowel movement" +"Is this vacuum cleaner any good","It sucks" +"What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink","Foster's" +"Did you hear about the red and brown ship that crashed into each other","the crew got marooned" +"I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory","I’ll beheading there shortly" +"I got my dad earlier when I told him I wasn't looking forward to shaving tonight. Dad: why don't you want to shave your facial hair. Me: I dunno, I guess it's growing on me","Dad:" +"Wife: I think our son is cuter than either of us","Me: I think he is as cute as both of us *combined*" +"How does the Rabbi make his tea","Hebrews it" +"The first time. I got a universal remote control","I thought to myself, This changes everything!" +"A friend of mine posted this picture of her toddler with the caption, Looks like we're having Filet Minion for dinner. [Imgur](http://i. imgur. com/PoYw08M","jpg)" +"What do clothing designers say to their babies","Gucci Gucci goo" +"What's the difference between boogers and spinach","Kids don't eat spinach" +"I met a lunch lady who played in a band","the genre was Hair Netal" +"My 7 y. o daughter made this one: Where do dogs park their cars","At a barking lot" +"I was eating at a restaurant and a waiter comes up to me and asks: How did I find the steak","I told him I looked underneath the parsley" +"Say the opposite of these words. Always 2. Coming 3. From 3. Take 4. Me 5","Down" +"I'm not addicted to meth. I only ever use it when","I get anxious and start to shake" +"The latest despot's name is. Richard. Potato,. But his friends just call him. Dick","Tater." +"He got my goat. Dad: Bye, kidlets. Have a good day at school. Me: Don't call me that, it makes me feel like a goat","Dad: Oh, it's not that baaa-aaaad" +"Got my whole family on Christmas with this one. My mother was talking about a friend of hers who is really skinny because she works out all the time. Mom: All she does is bike and exercise, she doesn't even have a stomach. Me (with a purposely bewildered look): Then how does she eat anything","Many eye rolls and groans were had and my wife just glared at me" +"Going to the moon is overrated","No atmosphere" +"What do you call someone with no body and no nose","Nobody knows" +"Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man","My shrink says I'm just being self centaured" +"Sign at a convenience store:Our credit manager is Helen Waite","If you want credit go to Helen Waite" +"Got dad joked by my niece. I'm not a dad. I was mentioning to my niece how I had a very mild case of dyslexia. To which she instantly replies, Too me","I'm so proud" +"Pulled a classic roadtrip dad joke on my GF While on a 6. 5hr drive back home from a friend's wedding, I slowly allowed the car to drift onto the rumble strips for a second, *BRRrrrRRRAPPPP*, then announced to my GF Oh gross. Was that you. It smells awful. After she realized what had happened, I received a glorious groan, and just when I thought it couldn't get any better she then told me You know, it's like you're some dorky dad driving a mini-van. It is by far the greatest compliment one of my dad jokes have ever received","I couldn't help but laugh, as I first learned this joke from my dad, who, on long road trips would do the same and accuse my mother of farting" +"Why is the 4th of July. J is the 1st, u is the 2nd, l is the 3rd, and y is the 4th of July","While my Grandfather was still alive he would tell this to us every year" +"What does the french fry god demand","Sack-o-fries" +"What is a rapper's favourite food. 2Pac's of Notoriously B","Eminems" +"Freedom cheese for me, please. Some say the. French make the best cheese, but","I would have to dis a brie" +"I hated wearing the same clothes everyday. But","I changed" +"Why did the grape decide to dry out","The idea really raisinated with him" +"I used to hate the noise people made when you told a dad joke","but now it's kinda groan on me" +"Set your alarm for school. My girlfriend told her 8 year old son that its bedtime and to set his alarm for school. His very serious response I can't do that, my alarm doesn't have letters. I've been in tears for 10 minutes now","He may make a good dad in the future" +"My best friend says she doesn't defecate","I told her she's full of shit" +"When your phone dies","ghosts use it to call their friends" +"I want to get these boots, and I don't. My girlfriend: Oh","Me: Yeah, it's a pair o' Docs" +"Went to an Indian buffet for dinner","I ate until there was naan left" +"I like to watch what. I eat","I also like it when they say moo" +"What do you call an Irishman that's passed out on your deck","Paddy O'Furniture" +"My Dad would always say: You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, and you can pick your friend's nose, but you can't wipe your friends on the couch. &#x200B; Words of wisdom those","Words of wisdom" +"Dad deluxe. If cows were to compete in a beauty pageant, they would all be. Miss","Steaks." +"What did I say when Darth Vader called","I'm a little busy, let me call Chewbacca" +"My wife told me to step out of my comfort zone and try yoga","I told her that'd be a stretch" +"What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces","Claw-strophobic" +"What’s the safest room in the house during zombie apocalypse","The living room" +"Did you hear about the Math Professor who was accused of plagiarizing a Calculus textbook","He claimed it was a derivative work" +"My wife hated my obsession with horoscopes. It","Taurus apart" +"How do you make a strawberry shake","put it in the freezer" +"Most people think a pirate's favorite letter is R","Nope, it's the C" +"Dad joked the wife Me: Tom's baby weighed in the 100th percentile. Wife: Holy cow. Me: Don't call him that","And the crowd went wild" +"Why was my printer playing music","The paper was jamming" +"I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day","It's still syncing" +"Sofishticated","What you call a classy fish." +"My middle school once had an anti-bulling activity and our teacher all told us If you see something, say something","The blind kid didn't say a word for the rest of they school year" +"I asked god for a bike, but. I know god doesn't work that way. So","I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness" +"I spent a whole day making a belt with my old watches","It was a waist of time" +"A man needs an ear transplant He gets to the hospital and they say sorry but we have no human ears left, but we can get you one from a pig The man agrees and the transplant goes ahead. He grows out his hair a little so people won't notice and then waits for his check up. The doctors ask How are you enjoy your new ear","and the man says It's okay, but there's a little crackling in it (credit to my dad for trolling me)" +"I was caught graffiting by the cops","I tried to deny it, bur the writing was already on the wall" +"My dad got me today. Me: [one of my teachers] basically never gives us any homework. Dad: I doubt that. I think you've had homework from him before. Me: Hyperbole. Dad: My name isn't Perbole, it's Dad","Ugh" +"Why did the wheat's offspring come out retarded","Because they were inbread" +"Why do elements and chemicals make good real estate agents","They have a lot of properties" +"Why did the wheat farmer's son become a wheat farmer","It was inGRAINed in his DNA" +"What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede","Drumsticks for everyone" +"Picked up a tiny habanero in the supermarket yesterday to describe the weather","it was a little chilly" +"Why is Kylo Ren so edgy","Cause he's always Ben Solo" +"Got the roofers today. Had my roof re-shingled. After they completed, told the foreman You guys nailed it","groans followed" +"I went to a party dressed as a turtle with my daughter on my back, and someone asked what was on my back","I said it's Michelle" +"Geology rocks","Fin" +"What is E T short for","He's got little legs" +"How does the man in the moon cut his hair","Eclipse it" +"Just been to Tesco and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas","I cannot believe the currant exchange rate" +"This bloke just threw a piece of cheese at me, so I said","that's mature" +"A little boy submitted 10 puns into a contest in the hopes that one of them would win","Turns out no pun in 10 did" +"Got my wife pretty good today [She was upset](http://imgur","com/a/qK3ZQ)" +"My wife after cleaning up after my son Wife: You've been on that thing all day. I can't believe all the plates,dishes and cups I had to clean up around the computer. But do you know what the worst thing I saw was. Son: (very afraid) Ummm. what","Wife: The dirty pitchers on your computer" +"What is the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle","Attire" +"What do you call a French man wearing sandals","Philippe Phloppe" +"What did the New-Zealander Statue say to the Jewish statue","Hebrew, 'statue" +"What do you call a crazy squirrel","Nuts" +"What’s E. short for","He’s only got little legs" +"We had to read Mein Kampf for history class Me to my friend: I wonder if any Jewish kids found it unkampfortable to read","It took her a few seconds before she groaned like hell" +"Why are volcanoes so proud","They have high sulf ursteam" +"Opening a can of beans My son was opening a can of beans. You know , I said, they can only put 239 beans in a can . Why","They don't want to make it too farty (240)" +"A bear goes into a bar. and says -could I get a gin and. tonic. Bartender says: sure, but what's with the pause","Bear says: I was born with them" +"What did the 0 say to the 8","“Nice belt" +"I used to be addicted to soap. But","I'm clean now" +"Why would a DJ install a greenhouse in their attic","To keep rays in the roof" +"Spoiler Alert. [https://imgur. com/0oRfgob](https://imgur","com/0oRfgob)" +"My friend said to me he wanted to become a small island off the coast of. Italy. I said dont be","Sicily" +"What do you call two birds that stick together","Vel-croes" +"I have a system for organizing the beverages in my refrigerator","I use the Mountain Dewey decimal system" +"I can't believe how much they're charging me for a dinner cruise in Paris","It's in Seine" +"How do you make swiss cheese","With hole milk" +"Lately I’ve been storing all my extra change in some bushes outside","I’m starting my own hedge fund" +"How much does pirate corn cost","A buck an ear" +"Why do scuba divers dive backwards off the boat","Because if they dove forward they'd still be on the boat" +"Why did the necromancer put the corpse up for adoption","He couldn't raise the dead" +"why can't a bicycle stand up","because it is two tired" +"What's the climate like in south america","It's pretty cold, you might even say its Chile" +"Dad joke makes it to my local news article's headline. http://imgur. com/a/6XENi (First time posting here, I hope posting a screenshot/imgur link alone doesn't violate any rules","Thought this would be quite a unique post to contribute to the sub" +"I was really unsure about booking my recent hotel stay","Had reservations about the whole thing" +"Why did the police officer smell","Because he was on duty" +"I brought home Popeye's for my family for dinner. I'm visiting my folks and my sister is over as well, and we're all eating the Popeye's. This is my dad's first time having it. Sister: Hey, so do you like this or KFC better. Dad: Hmmm. I think I like this better actually, the quality at KFC has gone down lately. Me: Yeah. It used to be KFC. Now it's just OKFC And guys. My dad laughed. Did I make it",":')" +"My injured foot is still injured","It won’t heel" +"My mom didn't like my report card","I said OKAY &#x200B; she said I want more A's &#x200B; I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY" +"Do you know why mom jokes are not funny. Oh shit, quiet","My wife is coming" +"How can you tell if a joke is a dad joke","It'll be apparent" +"How did Rome get cut in half","With Caesars" +"What does a cannibal say after eating something good","Tasty cal" +"My friend got me while printing. **Me**: *Dude, this printer is printing so slowly","* **Him**: *Well I guess you can't call it a s-PRINT-er then" +"My dad just told me this one in the car. Dad - What's 3x plus 3x. Me - 6x Dad - What's 5q plus 5q","Me - 10q Dad - You're welcome I proceeded to groan heavily" +"You know i can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it","It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes" +"My dad is going to see the band Korn soon. He just sent me this text. If Korn got in a horrible accident, would that make them Kreamed Korn","My response: Goddamnit Dad" +"“Doc, I think I have a serious issue. A piece of lettuce is sticking out of my butt","” Doc: I’m afraid that’s just the tip of the iceberg" +"One of the ants on my ant farm dresses up as a clown to cheer up his friends","He's an anti-depress ant" +"A pun sprints into a bar. And the bartender says, 'We don't serve puns here. ' So the pun dashes out. This happens 6 more times over the next week. 7 days later. &#x200B; A pun sprints into a bar, and the bartender says 'We don't serve puns here. ' So the pun dashes out. The bartender says 'Aaha","THAT'S THE RUNNING JOKE" +"What do you get when you cross Indiana Jones with a Venn Diagram","Comparison Ford" +"I applied to a restaurant that only had midgets working there","They didn't hire me even though they were so short staffed" +"Sort of SO told me that I should swim unprotected with sharks. I replied with Idk, I may end up with an STD","a Sharksually Transmitted Disease" +"Which comedian is the coldest","Bill Burrrrrrrr" +"If I get a pedicure and walk out without paying","Would that be considered pedi theft" +"Could you imagine a reality where every container you opened was filled with German sausage","That's really the Wurst Case Scenario" +"Years ago I used to supply filofaxs' to the mafia","I was involved in very organised crime" +"How many beans are in a can","239, one more and you’d be too farty Credit: u/theboomerman and where ever he got it from" +"Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away. But then. I realised","I had the binoculars the wrong way round" +"So my son asked me about radioactivity","I said to him: Other than a few news channels the only thing on their is music" +"I'm not a father yet but. I love making dad jokes. I guess that means","I'm a faux pa" +"My dog always used to chase people on a bike","It got so bad we had to take his bike away" +"Found out I was color blind yesterday","It came out of the purple" +"Its upstairs. Me: I wish we had a sun room in the house","Dad: We do, its upstairs, we have a daughter room too" +"Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac","He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog" +"Everyone's heard of Murphy's Law, but have you heard of Coles Law","It's thinly sliced cabbage" +"China has invaded Taiwan","The UN must condemn this act of wonton aggression" +"Reports are coming in about an incident on the motorway. Two lorries were involved, one carrying a huge amount of paper, the other carrying thousands of pencils","There aren't many details at the moment, the reports have been a bit sketchy" +"Dr.. Henry. Heimlich dies at age 96. Sorry,","I'm getting a little choked up over here" +"I was driving with my dad today and got this well timed joke while snapchatting. https://youtu","be/03MFDa-9Q28 Sorry for vertical video :(" +"Dad raised me right. Back and forth between me and pops: http://imgur","com/j3Ga22p" +"I could tell my dad jokes","But there’s no point - he never laughs" +"Dad why are they called hummingbirds","Because they don't know the words son" +"My mom's personalized number plate says IS♥️ED and we always believed that it was short for Is Loved","But then my dad had to ruin it for us all when he said it meant: I Sharted" +"This is a family favorite. My grandpa got pulled over going the wrong way down a one way street. The cop goes, This is a one way street","My grandpa replies, How many ways was I going" +"A cowboy counted 48 horses on his property, but when he rounded them up","he had 50" +"Dream job My friends and I were sitting and eating lunch in school while talking about an assignment we got. Friend 1: What would be your dream job. Me: I would like to be a chef. Friend 2: A real dream job would be to test sleep beds","*Rest of group slowly starts groaning when we realise*" +"What do Grizzlies wear on their feet","Nothing, they go bearfoot" +"Doctor: your brain fell out during the accident but don't worry. I put it back in","Me: thanks for reminding me" +"This is crackin' me up. So. I'm over at my cousin's house and her husband hits me with this:","If you have cheese but no crackers, are you crack 'a' lackin'" +"I hate circles","They’re so pointless" +"Why don't salamis ever get sick. Because they've already been cured","(Thought of this as I made me a sandwich)" +"What do you call a fish with no eyes","A fsh" +"For my birthday, i got gifted a sticky deck of cards","I find it very hard to deal with" +"A guy rushed past me at the post office to deliver 25 different letters. He skipped the","Q." +"What did the calf want to be when she grew up","A moosician" +"Did you hear that Willie Nelson died. He got hit by a car","He was playing On The Road Again" +"A limbo champion walks into a bar","He's disqualified" +"What's it called when a baseball official sitting on a footstool tips over","The Fall of the Ottoman Umpire" +"Yeah,. I used to be a model","A balaclava model" +"I can hear music coming from the printer","I think the paper is jamming" +"Mom got me today I'm drinking a beer at a bar with my parents and I smell the beer before I take a sip because I had never had the kind before. Me: If my house could smell like this I would be a happy woman","Mom: You mean a hoppy woman" +"Did you get a haircut","No,I got them all cut" +"Nobody ever talks about Humpty Dumpty's winter","They always just talk about his great Fall" +"TIFU by ruining my nieces knitted sweater","Whoops, wrong thread" +"Sometimes. I have a sea of feelings","It almost feels like an emocean." +"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh","ten tickles" +"Why is unwanted vampiric pregnancy never an issue","Because they always need permission before they can come inside" +"What did the director say to the staff when he jokingly said cut","JK Rowling" +"A girl came up to me and said she recognized me from a vegetarian restaurant","I was a bit confused I had never met herbivore" +"My dad, retired Navy, turns 65 today - this is what he said in response to my happy bday. text","You know the old saying, sailors dont get old they just get a little dingy" +"Today someone told me photons have mass","I didn't even know they were Catholic" +"My father, the comedian. Joke 1: My sister was talking with my dad about the show ‘I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant’ and she went onto ask “how do you accidentally make a person. ” And without missing a beat, my father looked her dead in the eye and replied with “I accidentally made three. ” With the most serious face I’ve seen in my life. Joke 2: My sister, dad, and I were in Wal-Mart one day and in passing the toys, we found those circular beanie baby things with the big eyes. So, my ever impressive father grabs a special edition Chewbacca toy, pretend bites it as though it’s an apple, and says “Huh, this is a. Little Chewy","” There’s more, considering he’s a Dad, but those two stand out the most to me" +"Which hurts more: a woman giving birth or a man getting kicked in the nads. All I'm saying is. a year or two after being kicked in the nads, I've never heard a guy say, you know what","I think I'd like to be kicked in the nads again" +"I really had to climb a tall tower in france","But Eiffel off" +"Thinking of becoming a. Satan worshiper","Just for hell of it." +"My nails are getting too long","They're growing out of hand" +"Why do bycicles fall over","Because they are two\-tired" +"Did you hear about the Chinese restaurant that burned down. There were scenes of wonton destruction","I made this up a few years ago when actually eating in a Chinese restaurant" +"Its okay if you phone auto correct FUCK to DUCK","You still using fowl language" +"Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii","Or just a low ha" +"I was going to buy a couch from this one guy. But I went with the ottoman instead Edit: this one is better spoken than written","Preferably while furniture shopping" +"A Pokemon themed dad joke. My wife was playing Pokemon Go while we were waiting for our food. She looked at me and said, There's a unique Pokemon here. (I know those don't exist) and I say, You know how you catch a unique Pokemon, don't you. She said, No, how. I reply, Unique up on them","Then she kicks me under the table" +"Why was the wrist afraid of the watch","The watch was a total Seiko" +"Did you hear about the transvestite that lost her job at the post office. She may be unemployed, but at least she's still a male lady","My dad pulled this one out over dinner" +"Can an electrician here help me reduce the power to our stereo by 4 joules per second","My kids keep listening to a song and apparently want me to make it a little quieter, or turn down 4 watts" +"What did the janitor yell when he jumped out of the closet","Supplies" +"A clown just held the door open for me","I thought it was a nice jester" +"Is it bad form to laugh at your own jokes. Coworkers at lunch were talking about gruesome car accidents. I chimed in with a story of a man whose had to have amputated his entire left side. They looked at me in horror as I barely managed to squeak out He's all right now before laughing until I cried","Edit: I can't word" +"Have you ever smelt moth balls","How'd you get your nose between their little legs" +"How can you tell the difference between a dogwood tree and any other tree","By it's bark" +"What do you call a witch that lives in the desert","A sandwich" +"My Western Civ teacher pulled out this one We were talking about a peasant revolution in the 1800's in Sicily. Classmate: So, why were the peasants revolting","Teacher: Well that's a mean thing to say" +"There's a video trending about a dyslexic enemy","It's going rival" +"My real dad joke We drove past a store known as Lamp Plus. I then said who grows up wanting to run a lamp store. His response someone who's very bright",">_>" +"You know what makes me smile. Facial muscles. Saw this on anti jokes and I believe it truly is a dad joke","Thoughts" +"What kind of car does the moon drive","An Eclipse" +"Hey dad, look, a yard sale","No thanks, i don't need another yard" +"Daughter said she wanted fortnite","So I told her I would get it in a couple of weeks" +"Got me all the time Me :- Dad, can I have fifty dollars. Dad :- Twenty dollars","What do you want ten dollars for" +"Call me. Papa. Cause","I'm gonna papa balloon." +"What's White and can't climb a tree","A Fridge" +"So my dad and I walk into a store. An employee asks Can I help you","My dad responds with No, I was born this way" +"You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there","European" +"I fell on the concrete yesterday","and my asphalt realy sore after" +"Dad's dating violence joke Dad: What did you do at school today. Me: I went to a dating violence assembly. Dad: Why would you ever want to date violence","Me: *groan*" +"Why was the adolescent afraid of the new year","Because twenty-ate-teen" +"A snake walks into a bar","The bartender says, How'd you do that" +"What do you do when when you have more weeds than you can count","You just Round up" +"As I handed Dad his 50th birthday card","He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said You know, one would have been enough" +"I couldn't figure out how the seat belt worked","Then it just clicked" +"My best friend and I were up in his uncle's cabin and he showed me an old photograph of a family friend. Me: You weren't kidding about him being in the picture for a long time","Him: Yep, ever since they took it" +"I just can't get on board with these contactless payments without them","I can barely see the machine" +"Don't waste too much money on food","That investment always turns to shit" +"My girlfriend is now my dad. So we return home after food shopping. Sweet potatoes for sweet potato fries. Fuck yes. I was being pissy about how long we spent shopping and started helping with the cooking. I snapped saying we should have just cooked before going shopping. My girlfriend turned to me and said, [ But we didn't have enough thyme on our hands . ](http://imgur","com/DF4B5bA) Edit: Grammar" +"My daughter received $46 cash in a birthday card She commented, that's an odd amount. I told her for being a math honors student, I would think she'd recognize that 46 is an even number","She rated my comment a 6 out of 10 on the Dad joke scale" +"Next to a Dad teaching his kid to use a fuel pump. You just press this button . IT'S GUNNA BLOW","Followed by embarrassed teen noises" +"What kind of bagel can fly","A plain bagel" +"Dad joked my Dad. My younger brother and I relish the opportunity to beat the crap out of each other on a daily basis. Yesterday after he tackled me into a wall, knocking down a photo frame my Dad came in equipped with a belt and asked Do i need to use this. in reference to a severe punishment he wished to inflict","I replied with Well, do your pants fit" +"How many ants does it take to fill an entire apartment","Tenants" +"A weasel walks into a bar. The barman says","I've never served a weasel before what would you like Pop goes the weasel" +"I was at a gentlemans club in Las vegas. This voluptius Asian came over and I asked for a lap dance. While she was doing her thing,I asked her, What nationality are you. She replied, I'm half black and half Thai. I then said, Oh,I didn't realize this was a Black Tie affair","Edit: True story" +"The man who invented predictive text died yesterday","His funfair is next monkey" +"Traditionally, there are no blues used in oil paintings","That's a water color." +"Unofficial Alexa Skill for r/dadjokes Amazon was having a promotion where if you made an Alexa Skill and got it published you would receive a free Echo Dot, so I made one that gives random Dad Jokes from this sub's top 50 Hot dad Jokes at any given time. Thought I might as well let you all know. You can enable it on any Alexa enabled devices (Echo, Echo Dot, Echo Show. ) [Reddit Dad Jokes (Unofficial)](https://www. amazon. com/gp/aw/d/B0745JZQL6/ref=mp_s_a_1_1. ie=UTF8&qid=1500903551&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=reddit+dad+jokes+%28unofficial%29) Let me know what you think","Edit: I've made a few other skills related to reddit subs, so if you would like more you can check my post history" +"In which my granddad out-dads my other granddad Its my birthday. My granddad on my fathers side wants to tell a joke. There are three things that gets worse as you get older. First the memory, then your hearing, then your memory. To which my granddad on my mothers side responds: WHAT. My granddad tells the joke again, and my granddad on my mothers side responds once again: WHAT. I SAID THERE ARE THREE. oh","" +"Child: “Dad, I’m hungry. ” Dad: “Hi, Hungry","I’m Friday, come over Saturday and we’ll have a Sunday" +"From my 6yo nephew: What’s the name of the biggest insect","Ant" +"Sister just dad joked mom and I. Mom: so what's your agenda for the week. Me: agenda","Mom: yes, you always have an agenda Sister: I'm pretty sure he's male *groans* *high five*" +"Dadjoked my co-worker today I'm wearing a Thundercats t shirt, and right before i left, this exchange took place Is that a Thundercats shirt. *pulls off safety vest to reveal awesome Thundercats shirt* That is an awesome Thundercats shirt. You're pretty young though, wouldn't have thought you'd have seen it on tv Yeah, I just caught the tail end of it. *cracks goofy smile* He just chuckled and facepalmed then walked away","I've used this one many times, never gets old" +"The appliances that we have in our house are old and terrible","The only thing that does not suck is the vacuum cleaner" +"My favourite chicken is called Respect & Admiration Chicken","I cook it in esteemer" +"What do you call a judge without any fingers","Just his thumbs" +"A pirate dad joke A pirate and a sailor were exchanging stories. The sailor pointed to the pirate’s peg leg, asking “How’d you get that. ” “Aye, I wrestled a shark and lost me leg. ” The sailor pointed to the pirate’s hook and asked “How’d you get that. ” “Aye, I fought Red Beard’s crew and lost me hand. ” The sailor then pointed to the pirate’s eyepatch, again asking “How’d you get that. ” “Aye, a bird flew by and shat in me eye. ” The sailor responded with “That’s not as impressive as the first two”","“Aye, it was me first day with me hook" +"My friend is applying for a guaranteed job once he gets out of prison","But he is not allowed to end his sentence with a pre position" +"I always use the self checkout","They always have the cutest cashiers." +"I thought I was in a comma once","Turned out it was just a period I was going through" +"Did you hear about the cabbage that died","There was a big turnip at the funeral" +"Telling my girlfriend about my new career. So me and the girlfriend are sitting in bed talking about sighing. Her: What are you, an expert on sighing","Me: Why yes, Im a Sigh-entologist" +"I only like low quality audio. So what","Stop giving me flac" +"When I die, I want to go peacefully and calmly in my sleep","Not screaming like everyone else in the car" +"What do you call a man who wears crisp packets as trousers","Russell" +"Kid at the youth group I run is already a dad joke master We were talking about the topic of change with our youth group last night towards the end we were going round the group asking the kids how they felt about change. All of them gave good thought out answers until we got to the last kid: So Tom how do you feel about change","I like spending it you can buy all sorts of cool stuff with change Que a collective groan from the entire group" +"Did you hear about the new sewer system","Probably not, it's pretty underground" +"I told my dad to split the bill. Needless to say he was well prepared for this dad moment. http://imgur","com/HYNNnxf" +"I named my horse. Mayo. Sometimes","Mayo neighs" +"I got my brother today Him: How do you say mushroom in Spanish","Me: With your larynx" +"My dad just dropped this one at the end of dinner. Dad- What comes between day and night. Us- what . Dad- And. After a pause he chuckled and said Hmm I should copyright that and continued chuckling","Edit: I should add this was even more amusing because of my dads light (but still present) middle eastern accent" +"What's the difference between meat and fish","If you beat your fish, it will die" +"Asked someone if they played any instruments “I used to play a little guitar","” “Isn’t that a ukulele" +"You should never fall for a tennis player","because love means nothing to them" +"One day a man asked a dog. How do you communicate with other dogs","The dog barked" +"What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours","Nacho cheese" +"You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation","Get off the merry-go-round" +"What crime did the Chemist commit when he rubbed Sodium on Alkaline","A salt and battery" +"Why did the bicycle go to bed","Because he was two tired" +"I got my student with this one. It's simple, but I'm proud of it. My student asked this: I'm looking for a violinist and a photographer for my wedding, any ideas","My response: Have the violinist play music and the photographer take some photographs" +"I was fired from the keyboard factory","I didn't put in enough shifts" +"An amputee found a cheap artificial arm for sale on Ebay","It was secondhand" +"Did you hear cheese and meat sales have gone up in India","Apparently there is a New Delhi" +"There are 10 types of people in this world","Those that understand binary, and those who don't" +"My dad doesn’t like working down on the dairy farm","But he can't find an udder job" +"I'm nervous about shaving my beard","I can say it really has grown on me." +"He got me and I loved it. Driving with my dad and as we pull up to a red light the overgrown plants on the side of the road rub up against the car. Dad: $5 if you can name that plant. Me: I don't know Dad: Lilly of the Nile. You know what that they call that sound of them hitting the car. Me: No. What's that","Dad: Petal to the metal" +"My flight attendant today told a lot of unfunny jokes that no one laughed at","I don't think his stand-up career is ever gonna take off." +"Kidnapping at my middle school. My dad has his moments, and this was definetly one of them. Dad: did you hear about the kidnapping at your old school. Me: oh shit no, what happened. Who was it","D: he woke up Classic Scottish dad :')" +"A mexican magician claims he will disappear on the count of three. Uno, dos. and poof","He disappears without a tres" +"Renaming the charity closet at school. Our school offers gently used semi-formal wear for kids who can't afford to get new things for every dance. It was originally called my sister's closet but then It started carrying boys' clothes too, and they wanted a name that didn't sound like a boy might be borrowing his sister's clothes for a formal dance. We want something catchy a student said. Like. my cousin's closet. I piped in. How about the small pox closet. There's not many things more catchy than small pox","Single word reaction after an exasperated groan: no" +"I was carrying a 4 foot book the other day and a woman asked me what I was doing","I told her it’s a long story" +"A mathematically inclined dad joke So my dad and I are talking one night during dinner and I let slip that my nickname in school is tangent. Then the following ensues Dad : Oh really. Well do you know who Satan's cousin is. Me : No. Dad : SaCOSINE. Me : Wait. NOOOOO DAD NO. He continued laughing hysterically for a good 10 minutes after. Well played dad","Well played" +"Why do golfers were two pairs of pants","In case they get a hole in one" +"A slice of pie is $2. 50 in the Bahamas and $3","00 in Jamaica Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean" +"I hate my power drill","It's such a tool" +"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but","I was tripping all day!" +"What's brown and rhymes with Snoop. Dr","Dre" +"As my dad was walking me down the aisle of my third wedding he goes","You know Erin, I keep giving you away but they keep giving you back" +"What did the bodybuilder say when he realized he was out of powdered protein mix","# NO WHEY" +"What did the pirate comedian say when he lost his bone","Let me know if you find me humerus" +"My wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list, so. I did","Now she's mad at because we can't read it anymore" +"All the paper towels went missing from my house","Fortunately my dog is a Bounty hunter" +"Why can't Superman ever drive to the top level of the parking garage","Because he always stays in the Lois Lane Kill me pls" +"Why do farts smell","So deaf people can enjoy them too" +"I put my grandma on speed dial","For some reason, my phone calls it insta-gram" +"I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing street names right off the posts","But when I got home, all the signs were there" +"Justice is best served cold","Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater" +"Dad joke to lighten up grocery shopping I was grocery shopping with my roommates and one was picking out a dozen eggs. Friend: ahh gross. Look at this. He pulls out his hand from a carton and is covered in egg. Me: I guess the chicken does come first","I had to walk into the next isle to stop laughing" +"Wanted to measure my height with a tape measure but couldn't do it alone. Dad, can I borrow you for a minute","Sure, as long as you give me back" +"You can actually tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in water","If they float, they're boy ant" +"I read a poll in which every single respondent said that Wolverine was their favorite X-Men character","It was Hughnanimous" +"my girlfriends sister made a dad joke she was picking up pine cones and I asked what she wanted them for. she said her husband needed them to smoke the bees. me: why smoke the bees. why not just smoke marijuana","her: we want to get a good buzz" +"At work and one of my coworkers says she doesn't feel well. My boss then puts his hands on his desk and says I feel fine. This feels like a desk","Things like this happen all the time with him" +"A survivalist cooks ursa meat with women in bikinis who just got their braces off. Bear","Grylls grills bear with bare girls with bare grills" +"My friend always writes “Burro” when he means “Burrow”","Clearly he doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground" +"Why do vegans have a hard time falling in love","It's hard to meat another vegan" +"What do you call animals from Mars","Marsupials" +"My wife said Aldi didn't have any nacho cheese. I asked her, 'Why","They're suppose to have Aldi stuff" +"Time flies like an arrow,","Fruit flies like a banana." +"What did the inventor say when his new sunscreen formula didn't work","Well isn't my face red" +"My very first dad joke My mom said that if I gave her a pair of my pants (they have holes from wear and tear), she could take them to the store and get the exact same pair","My reply: I don't want a pair that has holes in it" +"Thought up a dad joke this morning","Hey look he's coming back" +"My daughter asked me if she should go for computer science or psychology","I told her that whatever she chooses, it's going to be a major difference." +"3 years ago. I asked my crush out, today. I asked her to marry me","She said no both times" +"GF moved in a month ago and yesterday she jokingly said we should break up. Me: No, I think we should stay together until Sept. 1st","It's the lease we can do" +"Proud dad moment I got an eye roll and a really dad from the daughter (6) today. How do you make an octopus laugh","With ten tickles" +"What do you call a woman who burns her bills","Bernadette" +"What do you call an alligator in a vest","An investigator" +"I saw my ex girlfriend standing on the opposite side of the museum hall, and I was too self conscious to say hello","There was so much history between us" +"After my divorce I bought a laundromat. 12yo daughter who lives with her mom and visits periodically: How's the business","Me: A little wishy washy" +"What's the temperature inside a beehive","S'warm" +"While making dinner one night. My dad pulls out the mayo for the potato salad and says, You know, mayo was very important to the Mexicans. They had this really fancy mayo that they sent out on The Titanic as a gift to the King of France. However, when the ship sunk, the mayo was lost","This was a national tragedy, so the Mexicans made a holiday for it - Sinko de Mayo" +"Which playing cards are the best dancers","The king and queen of clubs" +"I strung all my watches together to make a belt","It was a waist of time" +"Dad has a question Dad: I got a question. If a clown farts, does it smell funny. Mom: . that's a Dad joke. That needs to go on reddit. Me: Say hi to the front page Dad. Dad:","hi" +"Click to find out how I made $$$s with my computer at home","shift+4 shift+4 shift+4" +"I don't always tell. Dad jokes. But when","I do, he always laughs politely" +"You know what winds me up","People responding to their own post" +"My missus dropped this on me You heard about the Italian Chef that died. Yeah really sad, he Pasta way","I've never been so proud of her" +"What do the Transformers say whenever they get new phone cases","Otterbox, roll out" +"What do you call an alligator that likes to start fights","An instigator" +"You used to call me on my cellphone","Hello on my cellphone, this is Dad" +"You shouldn't be sad","because sad backwards is das, and das not good" +"Soup jokes. Girlfriend: They have good butternut squash soup here. Me: Oh yeah. Is it better than mine. Girlfriend: Nope","Me: It butternut be" +"Did ya hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color","He had a reptile dysfunction" +"What do you call new innovations in knife technology","Cutting edge tech" +"Why did the big cats get divorce","Because the husband was a cheetah" +"I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery","It was a joint venture" +"My Sister complained that her office was cold. And her husband suggested she move her desk into the corner because it's always 90 degrees","She was not as amused as he was" +"How did the tongue depressor get its name","Because it stops your tongue from lolling" +"I took my family to a. German restaurant last night","We had the wurst meal ever" +"My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall","But it was his dumb asphalt" +"What do you call it when a shephard can't find his ram","Memory loss" +"a vegetarian killed his wife","at the murder scene, the police found a note that said please help me, my life is at steak" +"Why did the dog stop suddenly","He was on paws" +"Wax strips","What a rip off" +"Ban pre-shredded cheese","Make America Grate Again" +"How do you make a hormone","Don't pay her" +"My young son “said” he made dinner today. He brought me a banana like balloon on a hot dog bun. Confused I said “ummmm. thank you . but. what’s this","” He said it’s a Halloweenie" +"At IHOP the other day. Me: hey, how's the omelet, babe","Gf: it's good, a little cheesy though Me: yeah, they usually have better jokes" +"I spilled polish remover on a globe. Now there’s a hole in","Europe." +"Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows in the Greater Boston area recently. There was concern that they might have died from Avian Flu. An avian pathologist examined the remains of the crows, and to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not avian flu. The cause of death was vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the birds beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that nearly 96% of the crows had been struck by trucks, while only 4% were car impacts. The MTA then hired an Ornithological Behavourist to determine the reason for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills vs car kills. He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat roadkill, they have a look-out crow nearby to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the look-out crows could shout Cah",", none could shout Truck" +"Passing a funeral home with a line outside","Look , people are dying to get in" +"My ex hated language, so I had to dump her","I couldn't be with someone who was anti-semantic" +"What do you call a bear with no teeth","A gummy bear" +"Dad, dadjoked me for the first time. We were helping a family member move and my dad told me to get the lightbulbs out of the lamps when. I finished this activity. I asked him what to do with my newly found lightbulbs he said to me without a moment of hesitation hold on to it maybe you'll get an idea . I held on to it for at least a hr","I was still clueless" +"What island is called IIIIIIIIIIIsland","Long Island" +"When does a regular joke become a dad joke","When it's fully groan" +"I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet","You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant" +"I asked the movie theater attendant for one admission","He said he liked wearing his wife’s shoes when she wasn’t home" +"What jokes prevent hay-fever","Antihista-memes" +"What is the first rule of stealing someones shoes","Pick on someone your own size" +"My husband to our son. If your bedroom wasn't such a shit hole, you could find your stuff. He then slowly turns to me and says, I swear his room is like a turd world nation","And then he walked away shaking his head" +"Dad Joked My History Teacher Today Context: Im in the 10th grade and we started learning about WWI, Starting with Italy. Teacher: Alright so at this point what shape is Italy in. Me: A Boot","The groans from my classmates, my teachers sarcastic Haha and my friends Thanks Dad was so satisfying" +"What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore","A wreck-quiem" +"Organizing a fleet of boats","Requires leadership" +"My brother showed up for my 30th birthday party today. I just had my first baby three weeks ago. He wanted to make coffee, so I had him work the percolator. He wanted to make sure the lid locked properly. Me: Yeah just make sure that when you seal the lid, it doesn't pop because sometimes when it pops it falls off the counter. Bro: What do you mean","Me: Just make sure not to pop, lock, and drop it" +"South for the winter Any time we'd see birds flying in a V formation, my dad would say Any time you see birds flying like that, one line is always longer than the other. Know why that is. me - Why","Because there are more birds in that line" +"My friends keep telling me. I'm frugal","I'm not buying it." +"What has 3 feet, but no toes","A yard stick" +"How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb","Just two, I'm still not sure how they got in there though" +"Did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter","Pretty nuts" +"I was going to throw a login the fire","But I forgot the password" +"Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships","So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian" +"I took the shell off my pet snail to see if it would move any faster","It just made it more sluggish" +"I,. IV. I. Really enjoy","Roman numerals." +"My reddit circle has been betrayed","I am r/outoftheloop" +"Did you hear about the scientist's helium joke","It didn't get quite the reaction he was hoping for" +"What do you call the. Italian hood","The sphaghetto" +"Sister brought this back from Hawaii. What's a cat's favorite place to go on vacation","Meowi" +"Why do all hotdogs look the same","Because they are in bread" +"The air conditioning was broken on my flight home yesterday","My review said Cool your jets Delta" +"My coworker told me his 3 year old son has discovered he likes slides","I told him he better be careful; that's a slippery slope" +"Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar","They both got six months" +"What did Yoda say to Luke on his wedding day","May divorce be with you" +"Scientists have grown working vocal cords in the lab","The results speak for themselves" +"My wife and I were cooking together. I asked her to help me grate some cheese. So she picked up our second grater and we were both grating cheese together. I then turned around so I was back on to her","She asked me what I was doing and I told her behind every grate man is a grate woman" +"Wife put indian bread on the shopping list this week","For me it was a naan issue" +"Heard this one today from my friend Me: I'm gonna be frank here. Him: Okay Frank, I'll be Johnny","Needless to say I was laughing/groaning so hard I forgot what I was going to say," +"My. Summer teeth are here. Summer. Yellow","Summer missing" +"What’s half of infinity","“nity”" +"I named my horse. Mayo","Mayo neighs." +"A blind man walks into a cafè","And then a table, and then a chair..." +"A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit. The mortician asked the diseased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing. ” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “whatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend. ” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says “there’s no charge. ” Shocked she replies “no really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit. ” “Honestly ma’am”, the mortician says, “it costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice","So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads" +"My son says he can't wait to grow up so he become the President of the United States","but I told him he needs to stop Russian stuff" +"Stop looking at Reddit and get a piece of paper and write the second last letter of the alphabet","If you do it you'll see why" +"(From my 9yr old) What do you call a fake noodle","An im-pasta" +"What do you call a deaf Gynecologist","A lip reader" +"Eton mess My dad ordered eton mess after a pub lunch","The waitress told him it was quite a large portion, so he goes ok i'll just have an untidy please" +"Why did the medium cross the road","To get to the other side" +"It's true son, dinosaurs aren't allowed to drive antique cars","They kept causing Model T wrecks" +"Traveling by boat is great","You can sea for miles" +"Police suddenly showed up at my house and arrested my dog. Why","Unpaid barking tickets" +"What do you call someone who wants to rent your bathroom","A Lieutenant" +"What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door","Matt" +"What is a jock’s favorite math class","Alge, bruh" +"2 fruits were struggling to get married","I guess they can't elope" +"An alcoholic law student walks into a bar","He regretted not passing the bar" +"What do they say when you get accepted to Urology school","Urine" +"I have a parachute for sale","Used once, never opened" +"What do you call a verb that went professional. Wait for it","A Proverb (Pro-Verb)" +"My wife's comment when the commercial for Expedition Unknown: Hunt for the Yeti came on. has he looked at his stupid face","To which I replied: Not Yeti" +"what's a pirates favorite letter","some may think it's R, but their true love be the C" +"What did the 1 say when the 0 was mocking him","Stop boolean me" +"TIL: If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head","Because it’s capsized" +"Why couldn't the Italian chef get into his house","He had Gnocchi" +"Pulled this one live on stage last night while playing a dad. During an Improv comedy show, I was playing a father who's son was going off to war. Recruitment: He'll even get three square meals a day. Me: Ah well, that will be new for him. He's never had that before off me. Recruitment: Really. Me: Yep, I only serve his meals on round plates. Audience: . Longest seven second silence of my life","I'm not sure if I should get a new job or be applauded for the most realistic portrayal of an awkwardly worded dad-joke ever" +"My Dad Literally Just Said This So me and my Dad are talking when my Dad says this. Dad: Did you hear about the guy who just got back from holiday. Me: No, what happened","Dad: The Airline lost all of his luggage, so he went to sue them but the judge said he had no 'case' He couldn't stop grinning" +"Does anybody want to do some nude modelling for me","I can't pay you, but you'll get a ton of exposure" +"I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday","Not only is it terrible, it's terrible" +"Got my own dad http://i. imgur. com/amBjbyz","jpg" +"If you can think of a better fish pun","please let minnow" +"My jam business failed","My finances got spread too thin" +"What's a surgeon's favourite type of maths","Lung division" +"What's the name of the knighted, well-traveled journalist","Sir Freelance-a-lot" +"My dad always lived by the motto—- Work hard and play hard","Mom finally forced him to get help for his Viagara addiction" +"Last night me and my wife watched 3 films back to back","Luckily for me I was the one facing the telly" +"Beethoven isn't dead you know","He is just decomposing" +"While shopping for school supplies I came across a pen that can write underwater","It can write other words as well" +"What's Thanos' favorite phone app","Snapchat" +"I’m so hip","The kids call me P-Elvis" +"What's the name of the Belgian brother of Dylan And Cole Sprouse","Brussel Sprouse" +"When my wife was still pregnant","I used to say that our baby was in his one womb apartment." +"Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents","Definitely not cool" +"My. Christian wife got mad at me because adultery is a sin. But by god did","I love thy neighbor" +"What type of flowers are the best at kissing","Tulips" +"What do you call a fish with no eye","FSH" +"My friend went on a tangent about the superiority of colanders","But honestly, I don't think it holds any water" +"Why can't you trust trees","Cause they're always throwing shade" +"If you find gold in Australia where do you look for silver","Agstralia" +"My son's having his face moulded into clay","I think he's getting a head of himself" +"Medical students dread the test on kidney stones","It's the hardest one to pass" +"Viagra shipment stolen","Cops looking for gang of hardened criminals" +"Why didn't John Lennon have sex with Swedes","He only liked Norwegian Wood" +"When. I was younger. I would confuse the words. Jacuzzi and. Yakuza. It got me into some pretty hot water with the","Japanese mafia." +"went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage","The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity" +"What did the painkiller scream when it stubbed its toe","Ibuprofanities" +"I'm going to stop using seat belts","They do nothing but hold me back" +"What's the difference between going out with a Geologist and a Geographer","One rocks, the other will give you the world" +"Why did the chicken cross the road","Just *beak*ause" +"Here's one in spanish","UNO." +"My geometry teacher said we don't have to simplify square routes in his class","I thought that was pretty radical" +"Got my girlfriend for the first time at the Hoover Dam. I asked her what time it is and she said We are in the pacific time zone now so. And I said well that's very S'Pacific'. And a moan ensued and then she said let's just pretend you didn't just say that","I would call that a success" +"Why did the boy telephone and the girl telephone break up","There was just no connection" +"I went out to my shed to find my gardening tools were flirting with other gardeners","These hoes ain't loyal" +"I kicked a habit once","She was nun too happy" +"Why do divers fall backwards off boats when entering the water","Because if they fell forward they would land inside the boat" +"Dadjoked myself I was driving along by myself and saw a sign that said Extra seat belt patrols on now , and my first thought was Oh no. I'm not wearing my extra seat belt","I got a good laugh out of it" +"Hey Dad, did you see the news that Netflix is making a Full House remake. Of course I have","It's everywhere you look" +"NSFW Dolphin Dad Joke My girlfriend was talking to another person about dolphins when I hit her with this dad joke. Her Hey, did you know that dolphins are notorious rapists. Me I heard that most dolphin rape is actually accidental . Her Really, how is that","Me They don't do it on porpoise *Groans*" +"Why is Dracula more creative at night","Because he thinks outside the box" +"My wife had a hard day at work, so I drew her a warm bath","She didn't really appreciate the sketch and threw it away" +"Taking the Jeep http://i. imgur. com/4rqnPJN","jpg" +"Swedish joke My dad was telling me about how my cousin in Sweden ate some glass the other day. Turns out glass means ice cream in Swedish, and he went on to explain that Swedes who live in glass houses shouldn't snow cones","That was about the hardest I've ever groaned" +"[NSFW] Braille Erotica","textured, for **your** pleasure" +"What do you call a place with lots of books but no truth","A Liebrary" +"My son was poking around in our closet and found some of our bondage gear, I caught him trying on the handcuffs and even a ball gag","When I asked my husband how we should discipline him, he said well, I definitely *don't* think we should spank him" +"What’s green and doesn’t weigh much","Light green" +"Why didn't Pirates get along with the British","They didn't see eye to eye" +"A Planetary Conversation: Hey Venus, you see that planet over there. - Earth Yeah, what about it. - Venus Do you think he likes to watch the sun rise and set like us. He's so far away. - Earth Well Maybe he needs to Neptune in with the rest of us. - Venus Did you just make a planet pun. - Earth Don't Saturn this around on me, I'm hot and flustered all the time - Venus I guess you could say your Mercury's rising","*snickers* - Jupiter GOD DAMNIT - Earth" +"After an early Father's Day dinner. Setting the stage here. I am 21. My sister is 3 years old, she calls me Bubba. After eating entirely too much at the restaurant, we climb into the car. Mom: I am miserable. Me: *turn around, hand out* Hi miserable, I'm 2fat2bebatman. Mom: *gives a really. look* You might think you're funny, but you aren't. Sister: *without missing a beat* of course he's not Funny, he's Bubba","Dad: *Wheezy laugh* Bless my little sister" +"My co-worker, Gerald Every morning when I come in to work, I ask Gerald the same question: What's the good word, Gerald. Each time, he'll stop whatever he's doing, smile, and come up with some great vocabulary word: . Feduciary. . Extrapolate. . Onomatopoeia","It never gets old" +"Why are graveyards so noisy","Because of all the coffin" +"I just bought two kayaks for the price of one","Canoe believe it?" +"My flat-earth cruise to. Antarctica was cancelled","It was disappointing, but not the end of the world." +"If two left doesn't make a right, then what do to rights make","An aeroplane" +"What is the best part of living in Switzerland","Well the flag is a big plus" +"Why is the nose in the middle of the face","Because it's the scenter" +"It's frozen food again for dinner today","I said while scooping out ice cream" +"This week, I ran my first 5k, outsprinted the track team, and biked 18 miles. My legs don't like me anymore. >Well","tell 'em to take a hike" +"I should clean mirrors for a living","It's a profession I can see myself in" +"I'll do algebra, tackle geometry, maybe even a little calculus","But graphing is where I draw the line" +"Why is. R scared of. L","I'll tell you later" +"Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating","Because they have no body to go with" +"Happy Father’s Day. Today is Father’s Day and I would like to wish you all a great day","Keep up those dad jokes" +"Just got my SO while discussing if I should shave my beard . but I've grown attached to it -Her I don't know, it seems pretty attached to me - Me My first memorable dadjoke","Feels good getting to that stage in a relationship" +"My child was setting up a science homework project on the dinner table. I swiped the table clean and threw the table outside. He asked what was that for. I said, it's a periodic table","You cant use it right now" +"Have I ever told you that joke about Deja Vu. I swear I have before","The strangest feeling" +"How does the man in the moon cut his hair. http://i. imgur. com/tF7boWp","png John is my dad, I think that was understood" +"How do you know that a sniper likes you","He misses you" +"Co-worker just dad-joked me Wow, it's pretty cold in here. Did you know that when you're cold you can stand in the corner of the room to keep warm. What. Why. Because it's always 90 degrees","This is not his first time dad-joking me" +"What do you call a dog in a submarine","A sub-woofer" +"What is Gordon Ramsay's favourite part of a Lion","It's ROAR" +"Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater. Because he has nobody to go with. And why he doesn't tell his wife about it","Because he has no guts" +"TLC had to cancel a new reality TV show that was set inside an airport","The pilot didn’t take off" +"I simply couldn't work for my boss after what he told me What did he say","you are fired" +"Did you know that protons have mass","I didn't even know they were Catholic" +"I recently bought my only Daughter a locket with her picture inside, for her 18th birthday","just so glad She's now finally independent" +"When does a regular joke become a Dad Joke","When it's fully groan" +"What do you call an overweight pirate","Avast Matey" +"What’s an ‘o’ and is weird","A weirdo" +"What do you call a gun that cries","A musket tear" +"If 666 is evil. does that make 25","806 the root of all evil" +"Hey, you want to hear a joke about some cats","Nevermind, I was just kitten" +"I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length","Must be some kind of milestone" +"What is the best smelling insect","The deodorANT" +"What’s the opposite of assault","A pepper" +"Educated my son at the grocery store yesterday, made another dad laugh In the freezer section, my 2 year old goes: What's that daddy. Those are turkey drums","(drumsticks with a brand name) That's how they get into turkey rock bands oh Like he just accepts this shit as fact and I can't stop myself :D Fiancée thought it was a stupid joke so I can be sure it was awesome" +"Is the son of two redheads","A gingerbred man" +"How do you convince a cyclist to head back home","Reverse cyclology" +"In honor of Baseball opening day, here is what my father asked me every year after the first day of little league","He would ask me, so what position are you playing, left out" +"Manager just hit me with this one Him: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom. Me:","Him: Because the P is silent I was not amused" +"My boss said “You’re the worst fucking train driver ever,” “How many trains have you derailed to date","” I replied “It’s hard to keep track" +"My boyfriend pulls out the very old bottle of Vernor's from the fridge. Ginger-ale","More like Ginger-stale" +"I couldn’t decide between. Chinese or. Japanese food. So. I decided to call it a","Thai" +"Asked my son what math he's been doing in school. he said anti-logs","I said, Well I'm prologue myself, but then I've always been foreword-thinking" +"i had to take my roof to the doctor","It had shingles" +"If your struggling to think of a birthday present to buy for someone,","Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it." +"I just opened my own doughnut shop today","it's called Hole Foods" +"My grandfather died because the report said he had Type A blood","Unfortunately it was a Type-O" +"What do you call a guy with no shins","Tony" +"My therapist said i should be the opposite of sad","Das sounds correct to me" +"Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July. But not Fire","Fire Works on the 4th of July" +"Customer Dad Joked me while trying to give a sample. Me: Would you like to try some of our spicy red Thia curried mussels. Customer: No thanks, We've got plenty of Muscles right here","(While pointing at his arms) I gave him a nice laugh/Groan" +"My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives. I replied, No, I don't hate your relatives","In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine" +"Did you hear they found the wings of that missing Malaysian plane. Now they're just looking for the Wongs. First thing my dad said when I came through the door","Very proud of himself" +"Why did the computer catch a cold","Because somebody left the windows open all night" +"What did the drummer call his twin baby daughters","Anna1 Anna2" +"What do you call the meat of a female cow","A missteak" +"Why did the caramel enthusiast get upset","No Riesen" +"Did you hear about the baker who won the lottery but kept on working","He kneaded it" +"Got my SO, walking past a new salad bar I says Looks like they do all kinds of salads . She says Waldorf. Three second pause while I think it through","No, it's all open plan" +"Dads have tate","but moms lactate" +"How do buddhist monks send emails","They remove all attachments" +"Went shopping with my mom yesterday. and they had a sale on eggs. So naturally I go: Look, shouldn't we buy some. they're selling them egg-stra cheap","She just rolled her eyes and had the where did I go wrong with him look on her face" +"So my friend and I were watching the Eurocup. In the final game there was a foul that my friend thought was questionable. Him: That's BS, you can't even see the contact. Me: Guess you should have worn your","contact lenses ;) I'll escort myself out" +"What is NASA's favorite break up line","I just need some space" +"Re. Sorry guys,","I'm just reposting" +"Sometimes i tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward","Thats just how i roll" +"Dadjoke failed on unappreciative wife","First words of the new year, to my wife, would you like to start the new year off with a bang?" +"My mom teased my dad, he didn't get a sandwhich after his reply. My mom teased my dad by calling him gay. This is how my Dad retaliated. Dad: your ex boyfriend was hot . Mom: which one","Dad: Me" +"Where should a dog go when it lost its tail","The retail store, of course" +"How do you know when a joke becomes a Dad joke","It becomes apparent" +"Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny. Judge: Excuse me. Lawyer: Yes. Judge: He’s trapped inside a penny. Lawyer: Yes. You might say, he’s in a cent. Judge:","you’re both going to jail" +"Every time we go to a restaurant. Waitress: What would you like to drink sir. Dad: Sweet tea please Waitress: Sweet tea. Sure. (Waitress walks away) (Dad leans in and gets really serious) Dad: Did she just call me 'sweetie'","(Family groans)" +"A woman worried about the suspicious behavior of her husband decides to follow him. Instead of going to the office, she finds him in a small laboratory making soap","Caught in the act he admits, Honey, I've been living a lye" +"My religion prevents me from throwing out old clothing","We have been called to be holy" +"My friend just said she's got bees everywhere. Her parents were disappointed she didn't have","A's" +"What happened to frog who parked illegally","He got toad" +"Why do chefs hate their job","Because their best work turns to crap" +"What do you call a homosexual reptile","A GAAAAAAATOR" +"The kids next door are throwing scrabble tiles at each other","It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i" +"The cost of air An older gentleman stops at a gas station to fill his tires up with some air. He looks at the pump and is shocked it costs a dollar to use. He goes into the store to get change, and says to the attendant, The air pumps use to be free to use, I can't believe they cost a dollar now","The attendant looks at and say, What can I say, inflation" +"What should you do if life gives you melons","Get your eyes checked" +"I haven't slept in days","It's a good thing I sleep at night" +"2019 has been an odd year so far","Because it isn’t even." +"Did you hear about the fortune-telling little person that escaped prison","He’s a small medium at large" +"My son introduced his new girlfriend to our family last night… This is my dad Roger, he said, And this is my twin brother Dave. Nice to meet you, she smiled. Who's the eldest","He answered with a smile, My dad" +"To my urologist friend Saying goodbye to my friend I haven't seen in a long time who is now a PA in urology: Him: If you need any Viagra just let me know. Me: That's not a problem. yet. Not gone wood","(Sounds like Knock on wood when you say it) We were laughing and hating me at the same time" +"Why did the blind man fall into a well","Because he couldn't see that well" +"Giving my one year old boy a shoulder ride when I lifted him up and put him on my head. Turned to the wife and said Do you like what I'm wearing. (Lulling her into a false sense of security) She smiles at me, blissfully unaware of my setup and thinking I'm just being cute. It's a son-hat. I say with a grin","The groan she gave me told me I had done well" +"What do you call similar looking breasts","Identitties" +"Got dad joked by my professor today. Professor: *drops quarter on the ground in front of student* hey can I get my Peyton manning. Student: what","Professor: yeah my quarterback *class groans and cringes*" +"Dont ever believe a couch that talks about cotton","He's full of it" +"Was gonna tell you a time travelling joke but","You didn't like it" +"Did you hear about the guy who drowned in his muesli","I heard he was pulled under by a strong currant" +"How can you determine how heavy a single red hot chili pepper is","Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now" +"Boy wants a car from his. Dad. Boy wants a car from his dad. Dad says, First you got to cut that hair . Boy says, Hey dad,. Jesus had long hair . And dad says, That's right son,. Jesus walked everywhere &#x200B; (From The. Frontier. Index by. The. Silver","Jews)" +"I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend but I was too self conscious to say hello","There was just too much history between us" +"Just got a job as senior director at Old McDonalds Farm","I’m now the CIEIO" +"My girlfriend got her hair done and asked me if it was lighter","I held it in my hand and said Nope, feels like it weighs the same" +"My SO and I were driving through rural Idaho. Him: Do you think there are people here with sofas made out of cow hide. Me: Probably. Him: Do you think they call them. COWches","So lame" +"The only course I flunked horribly in college was on Greek mythology","It was my Achilles’ elbow" +"Thought taking my shell of my racing snail would make it faster","Turns out that just made it more sluggish" +"Got my mom on the way to a Christmas party Me: So what are we eating when we get there","Mom: They're serving duck Me: Oh man, I hope we don't get stuck with bill Cue the groan" +"Which weighs more, a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers","Feathers, because you have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds" +"The family and I were watching the Olympic cycling Stepmum: Wow this is the most exciting event we've had all year","Me: No it's not, you're just being velodromatic" +"I love leave a penny, take a penny trays","It just seems like common cents" +"Wife and I were talking about our new child Yesterday, my wife and I were talking about what features our two month old got from each of us. Her: I think she has my features over your bone structure Me: That makes sense; it was my bone structure that made her","I got a groan and a I am putting that on the internet from her" +"Why did the chicken coop have two doors","Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan" +"My physicist wife keeps telling me she loves me to the moon and back","Does she mean distance or displacement" +"What do you call a blind Batman","Christian Braille" +"Today I received a call regarding a new hearing aid","The connection was bad, I couldn’t hear a thing" +"My friend said to me hey, what rhymes with orange","I said, no it doesn't" +"Did you hear about the church musician that lost his instrument","He was really dis-organ-ized" +"My dog's name is Minton. Today he ate my shuttlecock","Bad Minton" +"What do you call a detective who investigates circuit related crimes","Sherlock Ohms" +"A belt made from cardboard. is a waist of paper","(Self re/X post from r/jokes I don't think they'll appreciate it as much there though" +"Got the wife Wife: Shaving my legs is gonna take a while I dnno if I have time. Me: Well","chop chop" +"What do you call a race between eggs","A running yoke" +"Dad says his grey hair is hereditary","Because he got it from his kids" +"How do you think the unthinkable","With an itheberg" +"My wife started yelling at me about how. I have no sense of direction. So","I just packed up my stuff and right" +"Turqoise is the best color in the world. It's cyantifically proven. It blue my mind. I'm quite purplexed","I red it on the internet" +"Talking To My Dad Hey dad, what rhymes with orange","No, it doesn't" +"I would like to fill the entire ocean with. Soft drinks. But that would just be","Fanta-sy" +"Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of the boat. Because if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat","Edit: I accidentally a word" +"I just burned 2000 calories","That's the last time I'll leave the brownies in the oven whilst I take a nap, that's for sure" +"Thieves broke into the police station and stole all their light-bulbs","Police are in the dark as to a motive" +"What do you call a tree with no money","Bur-oak" +"Every time I watch a movie with my dad. Me: Hey dad, What's this movie about","Dad: 90 minutes" +"Where does the time go Me: Baking a cake this morning","Husband coming in from mowing: OMG how did it get to be 3:50 already" +"My dad sent me a picture. He said, there's a monster under your sisters bed. http://i. imgur. com/xGLCCpB","jpg" +"I quite my job and have started building catamarans in my attic","Sails are through the roof" +"Are you as clueless about black holes as I am. Don’t read too much into it","Nothing good will come out of it" +"When. I found out my toaster wasn’t water proof","I was shocked" +"My friend just became a vegetarian. It's like","I've never seen herbivore" +"What kind of car does a ghost drive","A boo-ick" +"Teri got everything from her Mother. Now she’s hooked on Reddit too","They call her Reddit Teri" +"When in a brawl, there’s one thing to remember","Fist thing’s fist" +"I couldn't figure out to fasten my seat belt,","Then it clicked." +"I brought some shoes from my drug dealer","I don't know what he's laced them with, I've been tripping all day" +"I just unsubscribed from r/history/","There’s never anything new on there" +"I've been saying mucho when talking with my Hispanic friends","It means a lot to them" +"How are dad jokes created","They just Pop into existence" +"Will glass coffins be a success","Remains to be seen" +"What nationality is Thomas the train Choo-ish Actual joke from a dad","He was so proud" +"What do you call a laptop that sings","A Dell" +"I ordered rabbit at a restaurant but I had to send it back","There was a hare in it" +"What did the pirate say when he turned 80","Aye matey" +"Burning Wood So my friend was burning off yard trash (controlled burn. put away your pitchforks reddit) from the lot he recently had cleared during the day. I show up at his place in the evening and we go outside to see how much debris was left. He pokes some of it with a stick and hears a hard glass sound and says, What the heck is that. I lean down to look at it and reply, I think it's petrified wood. but I have no idea what scared it","He rolled his eyes, and his 16 year old daughter laughed her ass off" +"My dad was in the bathroom of a restaurant for a long time. He came out and said: That sign in there is wrong. Me: Which one. Dad: It says 'Employees must wash hands'. Me: . How is that wrong. Dad: I waited for 10 minutes and an employee never came to wash my hands","Everyone at the table just buried their faces in their hands" +"What do you get if you smoke weed on the moon","The moon-chies" +"My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late","Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed" +"What’s the strongest animal in the ocean","Mussels" +"My daughter asked me, Dad, why is your nose in the middle of your face","I smirked and replied, Because it's the scenter" +"I fell in love with a cardiologist","She knows what my heart needs." +"Making dinner plans and my dad got me Dad: So is Will (my bf) coming to dinner with us. Me: Yea, if he's free","Dad: Well what if he costs a dollar" +"What do you get when you feed chairs bad Mexican food","A couple loose stools" +"I tried to catch fog once","Mist" +"Why did my dad cross the road","I don't know he never came back to tell me" +"What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones","Anything you'd like, it can't hear you" +"To be or not to be a horse rider","that is Equestrian" +"I had a pet alligator named Ginger","She didn't bite, Ginger snapped" +"What kind of animal would a semicolon be","A comma comma comma chameleon" +"Yoda: why is five afraid of seven","Because six, seven eight (think like yoda)" +"What do you call a flower sex offender","A petalphile" +"I went to the website of a lumberyard and. I can't log in, I'm stumped on how I'll be able to get access to the site","Maybe I'll axe someone" +"Like many dads, my dad is in his element when we're out to dinner. My first post, but it's a real life one from my dad, who has always loved embarrassing/entertaining us in restaurants. One of his favourites is when he orders a steak. Every time the server asks him And how would you like your steak, sir. he pauses for a second then, with a big grin, replies Next to another one. He laughs, the server fake-laughs and we all groan. I used to be so mortified, but now I love it. Because, of course, he does this every. single","time" +"Got some bubble wrap delivered to work. The boss said “pop it in the corner”","Took me five hours" +"What do you call a fat psychic","A four-chin teller" +"All the time at my house someone: There's more X if you want it. Dad: There's more X if you DON'T want it. (silly grin) Every. Damn","Time" +"Rocks don't get the respect they deserve","A lot of people take them for granite" +"After we heard about Russia invading the Ukraine Dad: Hey since Russia went and invaded the Ukraine do you think we will have to go and kill Putin. Me: What. No. Why. Dad: Oh. I guess I just assumed we'd have to be Putin him down","Everyone within earshot: *groan*" +"I told my wife. I had the body of a young muscled and sexy man, she laughed real hard and me fun of me","Until she looked in the closet" +"Ever played Russian roulette","Don't worry, 5 out of 6 doctors agree it's totally safe" +"What do you call an argument you have while you're high. Grass fed beef","Came up with this myself, am proud" +"Who do inches follow","Their ruler" +"What do you call a gassy Egyptian rapper","Tootin Common" +"Got a laugh out of the waiter this weekend. Wife: not so much. Out to dinner with my wife. Decided to order some apple pie for dessert. Waiter comes back to take our order. I say, I'll have some apple pie ala mode. And can you put a scoop of ice-cream on top of that","Yup" +"Once upon a time there were 3 bears","now look how many there are" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When it's full groan" +"I have a step ladder at home","I never knew my real ladder" +"My parents and. I passed a used tires shop with a huge pile out front","I said Wow, he's sure set for retirement" +"What do you call a particularly muscular frog. Ripped-it. *geddit reddit","Like ripped+ribbit" +"Some people say. I'm addicted to somersaults… …but that's just how","I roll…" +"I feel like a father figure to my co-workers I bike up and down a very large hill to get to work every morning Co-worker: You're going to have huge calves by the end of the summer","Me: Yeah, they'll be so big they will probably be cows" +"My wife and I had no sleep. I was whining about the lack of sleep. She was getting aggravated at me for it and I told her we could whine together. and followed that up with We could even get something to eat","We could whine and dine" +"How did nine, ten, eleven, twelve, and thirteen die","Seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve and thirteen" +"Dadjoked my wife Her: They're changing the SAT again. They're making the essay portion not required","Me: So it's just the T's now" +"What African country doubts you the most","Kenya" +"How do priests stay fit","They exorcise" +"I got into bar fight and shoved a guy into a light switch on the wall","He looked at me and said, “OH, ITS ON NOW" +"What type of Bees make Milk","Boo-Bees" +"What does a Jewish baker use for self defense","Jew Dough" +"The wife cooked game pie for dinner tonight. I wasn't expecting to like it but","I was pheasantly surprised" +"Did you hear about the explosion at the Cheesecake Factory","All that was left was da brie" +"How to make holy water","You boil the hell out of it" +"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but","I was tripping all day!" +"What do you get if you cross a snowman and a vampire. Frostbite","HAHAHAHAHA" +"I just discovered white boards today","And they are remarkable!!" +"Lincoln was the least guilty. US president","He's in a cent." +"Why are good jokes like anti-vax kids","They never get old" +"I can't believe I actually tricked a woman into sleeping with me","All I had to do was buy her a ring and live with her for the rest of my life" +"What did Delaware","A New Jersey" +"Did you hear about the dyslexic guy","He wanted a drink, so he went to the bra" +"Did you see Jeff Bezos stepped down as Amazon CEO","Quit while he was in his Prime" +"What do you call it when a brass player has heart problems","Coronary trombosis" +"Thanks,. Mother. Fucker","No problem, son." +"A long ride On a long ferry ride. Mom: How much longer is this going to take","Me: (without skipping a beat) I don't know, but so far it has been ferry long" +"What did one snowman say to another","Smells like carrots" +"My parents always told me. I can be anything. I wanted, the sky's the limit. This made me sad because","I wanted to be an astronaut." +"If a bisexual person is single","Does that mean they’re BI-themselves" +"Got my entire saxophone department today Today in my classical saxophone class one of the upperclassmen wanted to plan a get together for all of the saxophone majors. Him: What do your evenings look like","Me: Dark More than 30 disapproving college students: *Groan*" +"How do you keep cool at a football game","Stand next to a fan" +"Twofer: How many seconds are in a year. Besides Tuesday and Thursday what other days start with T. You don't know how many seconds are in a year off the top of your head. 12. Jan2 feb2 . Today and Tomorrow. These two got laid on me by the chef at my work cafeteria","The cashier aka crazy Lisa was in stitches making him tell everyone" +"I put my chips on the table knowing that she was about to fold","She said Move your dinner whilst I sort these clothes out" +"He's ready. http://imgur","com/a/HbgnK" +"I wrote an article on identifying asbestos and got my worst rating ever","I mean, I did asbestos I can" +"My grandfather hates the stair lift I bought him for his birthday","It's been driving him up the wall" +"What sound does a turkey make if its leg is hurt","Hobble hobble hobble" +"What did the casket say to the other sick casket","is that you coffin" +"I was looking at my ceiling last night. I certainly don't think it's the best","But it's up there" +"I made a graph showing my past relationships","It was an ex axis and a why axis" +"A turd presses the down button in an elevator","Shit’s about to go down" +"Someone asked me how expensive the festival was","Obviously its going to have Fair prices" +"Have you guys heard about those new brooms. They're sweeping the nation. I teach and one of the kids told me this one","I laughed myself to tears in the middle of class" +"Waiter: Are there separate checks or together","Dad: No checks please" +"I heard that recent tennis matches had some issues","But they were fixed." +"Dad joked my SO at the store. I showed her a toilet paper holder that'll keep our cats from playing with it. Me: What do you think of this for the bathrooms. SO: It's okay but what about the one sheet that'll hang out. Can't the cats get to that. Me: Maybe but honestly I don't give a sheet. SO:","STFU" +"What is the longest word in the English language. Smiles","There's a mile between the two S's" +"Dad: What kind of car is that behind us. Me: It's a Toyota. Dad: No, it's just an Ota","It's a real car, not a toy" +"I told my kids' Sunday school teacher that Shrek is in the bible","Just open to Psalm BODY ONCE TOLD ME" +"My son, who's studying ancient Greek culture in school, got me again. In the kitchen this morning, he tells me: Dad, you know the Spartans were really fierce, and they'd throw away old weapons","They thought that if it wasn't sharp, it didn't have a point" +"Discussing unusual names, a co-worker says, Oh, I've heard odder names before. Is that so","What were the names of those otters" +"What did the fish say when it swam into a big wall","Damn" +"What to hear a joke about jump rope. Never mind I’ll skip it","" +"A joke from my dad a few years ago We were out on the lake a few years ago. I had for a Coke and after about an hour it got watered-down, i said my drink is watered-down its gross and my dad yuck mine is too, it's worse, taste it and he handed me a cup of water","It was a good one" +"Why did the Mexican man throw his wife off of a cliff","Tequila" +"Do you know what the most dangerous type of rifle is","The A salt rifle" +"Why weren't Mexicans too concerned about Trump's border wall","They knew that they would eventually get over it" +"I had an argument with a blind person yesterday","We just couldn't see eye-to-eye" +"What color is wind","Blew" +"A German saved my dog. A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my precious little dog who was drowning, after he climbed out he handed me the dog and said “here is ze dog keep him warm and dry him off he vill be fine” I said “are you a vet. ” He replied “vet","I’m fucking soaking”" +"If a depressed man moved to the. Midwest,. He'd likely be living in","Missouri." +"You know Orion’s Belt. Big waist of space, huh. Didn’t like that joke. That’s okay","t’s only got 3 stars" +"Walking past the maternity department at Target, I said to my wife. It's great that they have clothes for both expecting parents https://i. imgur. com/n9YPBrD","jpg" +"I can kayak","Canoe?" +"We have a new employee working remotely Boss: I'm going to put Tom's cell phone up on the whiteboard","Me: I don't think he'd like that, maybe you should just put his number" +"A human statue finally made enough to quit his job","He was ecstatic" +"Breaking down IKEA furniture I was helping a friend of mine move out, and he was becoming exasperated while disassembling a couch. Eventually, he cracked and screamed, This is so frustrating. I can't even unscrew stuff right. I said, Well, obviously","You're supposed to unscrew stuff left" +"We were at the dentist today and my youngest asked what this was. [Obviously my answer was an Unarmed Police Officer. ](https://imgur","com/a/cfdym)" +"As we were driving down the road, Sweet Caroline came on the radio. I said to my son, Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal","Until the pressure got to him" +"If you can't sleep, you should lie on the edge of the bed. Soon you will drop off. My grandfather unleashed this one on me this eve","Merry Christmas from Scotland" +"We got a new dog at the weekend, he only obeys commands in Spanish","He is Espanyol" +"My wife has started keeping a dry-erase board labeled 'Grocery List' on the fridge, so I filled it in while she was gone this morning","- Kroger - Wal-Mart - Lucky's - Whole Foods - Winn Dixie etc, etc" +"The invisible man told me something but. I knew it wasn't true","I could see right through him" +"Doctor: Hi, my name is Juan, and I’ll be delivering your baby","Dad: OB Juan, you’re our only hope" +"When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up","He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you" +"“Hey dad have you seen my sunglasses","” “No son, have you seen my dad glasses" +"I'm getting my newborn son circumcised and the pediatrician said it was going to cost $167","I told them I hope that includes the tip" +"What should you do if you have too many people named Jen","Commit jenocide" +"How did the gangster die on the steps of the Empire State Building","Someone dropped a dime on him" +"My personal trainer is really good","He gives me a run for my money" +"What was the last thing the balloon said to his father","Watch me, pop" +"What did Hannibal use to transport his army's equipment across the alps","The elephant of supplies" +"What did the green grape say to the purple grape","Breathe, dammit" +"I'm trying to get my son into books","But no authors want to write about him" +"Rock Star Adam Ant might go on tour again but he ran into a few snags","He remains adamant though" +"I. Don't. Trust. My. Freshmen. Algebra. Students","They're always plotting something." +"How do you get into a church in the middle of the jungle","With Monk keys" +"After 8 years, the herb thief was finally released from prison","he did his thyme after all" +"I needed a new password and it had to be eight characters. I had the perfect idea","Snow white and the seven dwarves" +"If the guns at a shooting range don't work properly","Should you refer to the trouble-shooting section of the manual" +"A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up","But a dino might" +"Cliffs are my favorite geographic formation","But they have one downside" +"How do bees keep their hair looking so nice","With a honey comb ofcourse" +"There's a cheesecake factory that closed down in my town","Every time we drive by the empty building my dad says Man, that place looks desserted" +"My wife didn’t like my idea to market a line of belts with little clocks built into the buckle","She said it was a waist of time" +"Got dadjoked. I thought I won by reversing it back on him, but alas, I am not a dad. Hey dude, are you alright. 'Yeah, why. ' Well most people are half left I was almost beat, and then I shot back 'What happened to the first half. ' For a moment I won. 3 seconds later, with the biggest smile on his face, he says Oh, its alright [MRW](http://i. imgur. com/08xyhUS","gif)" +"I was going to make a math joke. But","I'm 2² to do it" +"I tried to join a secret religious society, but the requirements were very strict","It was called Diffi cult" +"There are 10 types of people in the world","Those who understand binary, and those who don’t" +"I was asked where do I see myself in a year","I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision" +"My wife bought me a sweater that was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it","They replaced it with a new one, free of charge" +"You cannot plant flowers","if you haven't botany" +"Dad and I were picking out beer at the store. I suggest New Holland's Dragon's Milk. You know how they make that beer. he asks. No, how. Buncha short-legged cows. What. *Draggin'* milk","At the check-out he's still laughing to himself and making comments about being utterly hilarious" +"I used to be addicted to soap. I'm clean [now](https://i. imgur. com/HcfFyjM","jpg)" +"Son: “Dad, can I go on my Nintendo","” Me: “No, you’ll break it" +"What makes a frog condom more pleasurable than a regular one","They rib it" +"My sister comes home from the movies. Mom: what was the movie about","Dad: ABOUT 2 HOURS" +"Why do US Navy vessels keep crashing","Because America has no sensor ship" +"FB post from my father http://m. imgur","com/PJ60f27" +"Why is high noon the nicest time of day","Because during that time nobody throws shade" +"You know, with all this talk about how cow farts are polluting the environment","Ranchers really should start installing CATTLE-itic converters" +"What did the beaver say to the tree","Glad to gnaw yah" +"The only people allowed to tell dad jokes are","groan-ups" +"My 14 y/o stepdaughter is a dad. (This just transpired: I got sweaty cleaning out my shower and walked into the hall to cool off. ) Me to my SO: Shower is clean. SO: oh good. Ew. You're gross Me: yeah. I'm sweating. 14 y/o from down the hall in her room while painting her nails yells: HI SWEATING","(I'm so proud)" +"What do you call a German town with too many people","Krauted" +"When you shop at a record store, you should know that","All sales are vinyl" +"What does the Pope use to dry his hands","Papal towels" +"A group of noble gases walk into a bar. Bartender: “We don’t serve noble gases here”","They don’t react" +"Met the Manager for the first time, gave him a dad joke, now I'm the favorite BACK STORY: So I got a new job through one of my good friends, and while working with him I shook hands with my boss Chad, awesome guy. As we were making small talk I was stuttering a bit, and my good friend, Neil, loves messing with me about it. Me: Yeah, that sounds g-g-great Neil: T-T-TODAY JUNIOR, jeez can your mouth ever talk straight. Chad: Hey it's legal now so if his mouth wants that, it's none of my business and more power to him. Me: But my mouth is bi Neil:Bi what. Me: Bi my nose Chad laughed hard, this will be a great job","More dad jokes to come, I'm sure" +"I wanted to buy my wife and I Tickets to Bob Saget’s stand up show but it was sold out","Looks like it is going to be a Full House" +"Do yall remember the Great Lightbulb Shortage of '07","Those were dark times" +"Got some groans out of young customers I'm a server that serves quite a few young kids. Little boy: I'm going to have chicken fingers. Me: Oh, I'm sorry, all I've got left is chicken toes","Table: *collective groan*" +"My dog needed stiches, and. I saw he had. SS on his lapel. Turns out the doctor was a veteran","Aryan." +"Dad joked my dad today My dad and I were driving toward my house and we passed Upson lane. Without really thinking about it I said oh there's Upson and he said what's Upson. and I replied not much dad what's up with you. He didn't find it nearly as amusing as I did. I thought you guys might appreciate it like I did","Edit: typo" +"The was a kidnapping at a local school today","The teacher woke him up" +"My wife got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator. Then told me I was terrible with directions. And then she added that I should stop cross dressing in her clothes. She also didn't like the female neighbor sun bathing nude in her backyard. I nearly shit her pants, even though the ice-incident was water under the fridge","I was on the fence about the neighbor sun-bathing nude, but I packed her things and right anyway" +"This sub is really disappointing me lately","I'm going to try the meatballs next time" +"My 16 year old brother is ready to be a dad I was microwaving some leftovers that happened to contain mushrooms, and I forgot to cover them. Naturally, they coated the inside of the microwave. I described it as a nuclear explosion, and my brother responds with did it make a mushroom cloud","I was proud Edit: typo" +"My book on the history of clocks arrived","It's about time" +"I’m gonna make a game","It’s like Fortnite But monthly" +"My friend got a disease from a mosquito bite. They were really sad but","I thought it was malarious" +"What woodworking tools does Snoop Dogg own","Four chisels" +"This sub's getting stale","I knew I should've wrapped up the sandwich before leaving it on the table" +"A lot of people have problems with vegans. But","I've never had a beef with them" +"Wanna hear a joke about airplanes. Nah","It would probably just go over your head" +"My balding magician friend has come up with a new trick","He vanished into thin hair" +"What kind of music do balloons hate the most","pop" +"A girl told me she's a pescetarian","I asked her if that was the diet of only eating irritating animals" +"What sperates a dad joke from other jokes","It's all in the delivery" +"I had some Greek food that upset my stomach","Now I falafel" +"I dont often tell dad jokes","But when I do he laughs" +"3 unwritten rules of life 1. 2","3" +"I watched a documentary about car racing, but I didn’t enjoy it as much as I thought","Too many spoilers" +"Where did Noah keep his records","The arc hives" +"My father in law everybody. http://imgur. com/xj3x0pD So my father in law decided to offer up some mildly useful advice with a problem of mine","I thought this was the perfect place to share" +"My wife and I decided not to have any children","The kids are taking it pretty hard" +"How does Toucan Sam wear a belt","He puts it through his loops" +"Aslan is a God which means he is as old as the universe","And on his backside is a tail as old as time" +"I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don't worry, I'm not hurt","It was a soft drink" +"My oldest son went into the kitchen to get a drink. From the living room, I hear him ask is the dishwasher clean. I answer yes . I hear the refrigerator open, then add but the dishes in it aren't","I'm pretty sure that I could feel his glare through the wall" +"whats brown and sticky","a stick" +"How many beers does it take to get a tropical bird drunk","Toucans" +"Where do robo-babies come from","From the computerus" +"Dad Jokes. How does a penguin build it’s house","Igloos it together" +"You could say her pachyderm didn't matter","Her elephant was irrelevant" +"Living next door to the cemetery is incredibly convenient","Since its the dead centre of the city" +"“No, I don’t have Apple Pay","” - Johnny Cash" +"My dad always tells my sister to not let a boy ever get foreign with her. With. Russian hands and","Roman fingers." +"Last night my dad got kicked out of a casino","He told me he just misunderstood the craps table" +"Her: Which one of these two quilts do you like better","Me: I always try to avoid making blanket statements" +"What do you call an alligator using the car’s GPS","The Navi-gator" +"He got us all during dinner While eating, my little brother asks What is physics. I say, Care to answer, dad","Without missing a beat, he goes, It's what comes after phyfive" +"I like telling Dad jokes","Sometimes he laughs" +"What do snowmen wear on their heads","Ice caps" +"I got my wisdom teeth out Hey son, do you miss your wisdom teeth. No, why would I","I don't know, you just seemed pretty attached to them" +"Hedgehogs","Why can't they just share the hedges" +"Geez, talk about a stiff necked person. Although he allowed me to state my case without interruption. 😄 My dad's status on Facebook. Visual reference: https://imgur","com/a/GH4Qg" +"“Which came first, the chicken or the egg,” is such an obvious trick question","Clearly it was the rooster." +"Where do Greek chicken farmers throw their grain","At hens" +"What do you call a bird that is afraid of heights","A chicken" +"Here's a non-political post [Well, here it is. ](http://i. imgur. com/U3KWF3z","jpg)" +"My grandfather was driving in Florida. after making a U turn, when he was pulled over by a cop. The cop comes up to his window and said, sir, you're driving the wrong way on this side of the road. Didn't you see the arrow. Without hesitating my grandfather replied Arrow. I didn't even see the Indian. (This was in the late 70's so excuse the tactlessness","And was a true story, according to my dad, who was apparently in the car)" +"So last week i got myself in a bit of trouble when i mixed up the words jacuzzi and yakuza. Now. I'm in hot water with the","Japanese mafia" +"What did Black Beard's report card look like","7 C's" +"Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but do not have any lighters or matches. What do they do","They throw a cigarette over board so that the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter" +"So my brother was wearing torn jeans Dad: Are those your church pants. Bro: What","Dad: Well, they're awfully hole-y" +"Did you guys hear about the guy in that horrible car accident","Lost his left leg and left arm Don’t worry, he’s all right now" +"I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing… He said, “Can you describe the symptoms","” I said, “They’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair" +"A guy sets a world record for farting in a police car the most amount of times in a row. What else did he set","A criminal record" +"What are you up to Dad","Oh, about 5'8" +"Honey, would you draw me a milk bath. Wife, yelling from the other room: Honey would you draw me a milk bath. Husband: Pasteurized","Wife: No, just up to my tits will be fine" +"I got both of my sons at the grocery store recently While choosing a frozen vegetable to eat with dinner I handed my oldest a bag of peas to place in the cart. He looked at them reluctantly. I asked if they wanted to pick something different. After neither boy answered me I said, speak now or forever hold your peas. Both sons AND a nearby stranger gave eye rolls. EDIT: I've never been to the front page before","Thanks for all the love fellow dad jokers" +"With only a fraction of my wealth. I could buy a private jet","That fraction would have to be 8000001/2" +"Got my wife with this one about her new hair style My wife just recently got her hair cut and for the first time in a long time she got bangs. Her: These bangs after driving me crazy. They keep falling in front of my eyes. After I comb my hair I always get a bunch of long hairs mixed in with the smaller. And I'm getting a headache from swishing my head back to keep the hair out of my face","Me: Well, I think you are doing a bang up job" +"Why do gorillas have big nostrils","Because they have big fingers" +"I just read that somewhere in","London someone gets stabbed every 53 seconds poor guy..." +"I don't want to sound raceist but","I've always preferred the 100m to the 200m" +"Did you hear about the dominatrix with celiac disease","She refuses to give up bread because she's a gluten for punishment" +"My dad worked in a pizza shop through college so he could afford to eat something other than ramen","He was kneading the dough" +"I always knock when. I open the fridge","Just in case there's a salad dressing." +"I just had a near sex experience","My wife flashed before my eyes" +"Who kills a guy and doesn’t steal his Rolex After","A man with no time on his hands" +"I time travel all the time","the problem is that I'm stuck going forward" +"Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary","It runs in your jeans" +"So I noticed a co-worker's mane was missing. Me: Say, did you get a haircut. He: No, all of them","I had to excuse myself so I wouldn't laugh/groan so hard in front of customers" +"I have identical twin sons, Juan and Jamal, but I only keep a picture of one","Because if you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal" +"My math teacher the other day. We were learning about Logs, and someone says, Logs are literally the worst","He responds, Actually, German sausages are literally the worst" +"Why didnt the toilet paper cross the road","It got stuck in a crack" +"While eating at an Indian restaurant with my parents last night. Dad: You know what your mom and I did last night. Me: what's that","Dad: (while chewing obnoxiously on the delicious bread) It's Naan your business" +"Did you hear about that new awesome broom everyone is talking about","It’s sweeping the nation" +"What do you call a nosy pepper","JALAPEÑO BUSINESS" +"What's orange and sounds like a parrot","A carrot" +"My Dad's favorite sports joke. If he was watching, for example, a Steelers v Packers football game, and I wanted to know the score and who's winning. Me: Hey, Dad, what's the score. Dad: 14-6 Me: Who's winning","Dad: 14" +"Did you hear about the female rapper that only battled while she was on her menstrual cycle","They said she had a mean flow" +"What did the ceiling fan say. WOOHOO. YEAH NO","GO CEILING" +"How much room is needed for fungi to grow","As mushroom as possible" +"What did the tie say to the hat","I’ll hang around here and you go on a-head" +"What kind of jokes do vegetarians make","Corny ones" +"If you touch an electric fence on purpose","does it still count as a shock" +"My son tried to change the time","But not on my watch" +"How do Mexican wrestlers enter the arena","Through a lucha-door" +"What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs","A condescending con descending" +"Why do gay people dress so well","Because they’ve been in the closet for so long" +"How many seconds are in a year. 12. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd","etc" +"What’s Irish and only comes out in the summer","Paddy O Furniture" +"What do you call dental x-rays","Tooth pics" +"Australians dont have sex","They mate" +"what's orange and sounds like a parrot","a carrot" +"Cow #1: Remember the first time we were milked by the farmer","Cow #2: This brings back mammaries" +"Why were the astronauts quiet","Because they spaced out" +"What do you call a ghostly chicken. A poultrygeist","And what do you call a priest who gets rid of chicken demons" +"Dadjoke on /r/creepyPMs http://i. imgur. com/VddTHlV","jpg" +"So, my dad sent this to me today. [Took me a while to get it. ](https://i. imgur. com/u0RXwWX. jpg)","Damn it dad" +"What comes after a beagle","A seagull" +"What do you call a pair of indentical boobs","Identities" +"Happy. Father's. Day. And","I hope your night will be okay, too." +"A Christmas Dad Joke We just finished setting up the tree; we were all looking at the angel on the top, and I noticed she looked a little irritated. So I voiced it. She looks like she's pissed at one of us. I said. Dad looks up, squints his eyes, and says. She looks like she has a stick up her ass","" +"Do they have slang in sign language","Not too sure about slang, but there's definitely some shorthand" +"I can't believe people pay to do yoga","It's a bit of a stretch" +"I don't know much about the Swiss","However, their flag is a big plus" +"What did the cowboy say at his second rodeo","This ain’t my first rodeo 🤠" +"A man was arrested trying to buy seasoning and electricity","The charge was assault and battery" +"My wife told me not to joke about her when she frantically called about a flat tire. So","I spared her" +"True story: We we’re driving in the car today when my five year old found an umbrella and opened it. My wife yelled at him to close it immediately, as it wasn’t safe in a moving vehicle. I told her it wasn’t a big deal since both of our vehicles have umbrella insurance","The kids didn’t get it but it elicited a nice groan from the wife, so I’m pretty sure it counts" +"Why are hippies good at social distancing","Because they are used to being spaced out" +"I asked. Rick. Astley if. I could borrow one of his favorite pixar movies,. He told me, I'm never going to give you","Up." +"Standing next to the copier, I annoyedly started to sing","Some Day My Prints Will Come" +"My wife and I talking dirty in front of the kids. H: Do you think I can fit it all in there. M: Yes babe throw it all in, that’s what it’s designed for","H: I guess they don’t call it a high capacity washing machine for nothing" +"I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink","I am now in hospital, waiting to be seen" +"My dad told me he was once tased by a cop, then charged with resisting arrest","He objected that, while being tasered, he was actually just resisting the charge" +"Dad's a polak and told this one during breakfast. A polish guy goes into a store and asks the sales man if he buy the tv in the window. Sales man says fuck you dumb polak, get out of here. The polish leaves and comes back 2 days later with a hat and fake beard and goes up to the sales man asking if he can buy the tv. Once again the sales man says fuck you dumb polak, get out of here. The polish guy leaves and comes back a week later with a new disguise and won't even know he's polish. He goes up to the sales man and again asks if he can buy the tv. The sales man says fuck you dumb polak, no you can't and get out of my store. The polish guy finally bursts and asks why can't I buy that tv","The sales man replies cause that's a microwave you dumb polak" +"Why do ghosts hang out at bars","Because they like booze" +"My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat. In the end, he came around","&#x200B; (originally r/jokes)" +"I tried to make my password 14 days","The website said it was two weak" +"My baby was taken away by the police today","He was resisting a rest" +"Every minute in Africa","60 seconds pass" +"What does Marty McFly skate on that also cleans his carpet","A hoover board" +"How do you scare bees","Boobies" +"Instead of cards, they made me pass out nickels when we played poker","But I don't deal well with change" +"What is an airline pilots favorite type of bagel","Plain" +"What did the monk say to the guy at the hot dog stand","Make me one with everything" +"Appearantly you’re not allowed to use “beefstew” as a password","It’s not stroganoff" +"I work for my dad's construction company, and was doing some plan estimation/calculation as he walked into my office. He saw me rifling through my desk looking for something, and asked me what I was looking for. I told him I was looking for a ruler","He just told me to look at him, and thank him for helping me complete my search" +"What did the Silver Surfer say when blasted with hydrogen gas. AgHHHHHHHHHHHH","I'll show myself out" +"What does a zombie bird eat","Grrraaaains" +"I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger","Then it hit me" +"Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you","But smoking bacon will cure it" +"Reading all these puns makes me go numb","But reading mathematics puns makes me go number" +"I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader","The look on his face was priceless" +"When I was shadowing for my new school with my parents, we eventually walked into the math room, and saw a dry-erase board","My dad couldn't resist the urge, and so, he shouted out: &#x200B; That's remarkable" +"My wife gets mad when I play PS4 online and don't watch my mouth","She says I need to go PC" +"My dad just dad joked my school secretary so hard. So I was going to go home sick and they need to talk to a parent to make sure it's ok(even though I'm 18 which is dumb. ) so I get my dad on the phone and here's what happened. Secretary: hello this is dad. My dad: Hi dad this is Joe","Me and the secretary died laughing and I had to assure her that my dad isn't usually that dumb" +"What do you call a short clown","A little funny" +"What is the smartest amount of beer you can drink","Ein Stein" +"You know what’s great about a dachshund and a convertible","You can ride around topless with your wiener out" +"What do you call a Latino strolling down the street","Joaquin" +"Asked my dad how does he feel, since he was sick the last couple days","He says like everyone else, with my fingers" +"What’s green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you","A Pool Table" +"I always knock on the fridge door before opening it","Just in case there’s a salad dressing" +"So, a candy-maker goes to the priest","Father, I have a confection to make" +"I laughed. he was confused. A coworker said to me as he was leaving. OK I'm outta here. I'll give you a ring later. I sd Woah woah, I think its a little too soon for that","I've only known you a few months" +"When. Gold was kicked out of the periodic table,","The other elements said, “Au revoir”" +"I thought my 3 year old son spelled his first cuss word today. F-U-C-K, I'll scream ahhhhh. What was that, son","If you see K-ocodile (crocodile), scream, 'AHHHHH" +"Why is is dangerous to do math in the jungle","Because if you add 4 plus 4, you get ate" +"I realised I'm a dad joker when I let this one out Unpacking groceries into the fridge, the fridge starts with it's alarm that the door has been open for too long (jingle bells) Me: I wish the fridge would shut the hell up. Step daughter: it's a smart fridge Me: well if it's so damn smart, why the hell is it playing Christmas carols in May","Groans where heard throughout the house" +"This is the end. So I walk into the T. room where my brother and dad are watching the movie this is the end. I walk in and say oh, this is the end. and he replies nope, the beginning with the cheesiest smile on his face","Oh dads" +"What is the most common owl in Britain","Teat Owl" +"So Thanos, Hulk and Ironman decided to create a group chat","It's called Snapchat" +"My son said he didn't like drinking juice with a straw","I told him to suck it up." +"What did one snowman say to the other snowman","Smells like carrots" +"I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway","Now it's a washp" +"A German boy pushes his brother off a cliff","“Look mom, no Hans" +"My computer said my password is insecure","Well maybe if it wasn't forced to have such strict requirements it would be more confident" +"Ya know, what this sub really needs is more water http://i. imgur. com/BO1guSD","jpg" +"After 40 years, I met my long lost twin brother at a Gamblers Anonymous meeting last night","What are the odds" +"What does a witch use to do math","A cackle-ator" +"People are usually shocked. When they find out","I'm not an electrician." +"How did the pot head propose to their spouse","Marriage, You wanna" +"I swallowed a dictionary today","It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had" +"Geneticists have figured out that making crappy jokes is hardwired into our DNA","To find out if you carry the gene, just fill out a Pun-it square" +"Never buy shoes from a drug dealer","I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day" +"My wife thinks I won’t advance in my career because I procrastinate too much","I said, “Just you wait" +"Wife got me Wife: What are the most annoying mountains in the world. Me: I dunno","Wife: [boops my nostrils] The poke-a-nose" +"My wife will probably die a virgin","Cause I'm a god in bed" +"Steak Puns","They're a rare medium, well done" +"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer once","I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day" +"How do you know when you're drowning in milk","When its pasteurize" +"I hate spelling errors","You swap two letters and your whole post is urined" +"(Scottish Joke) Why did the cow go on holiday","Because it had a wee calf" +"If you're going to steal a landfill, you should do it naked","Because it's a bad idea to take a dump in your pants" +"One of my","Dad's classics when someone sneezes into their shirt That used to be a clean shirt but now it's not" +"I told the person who was playing my trumpet","To stop pushing my buttons" +"What is Thanos' favorite video game","Half-Life" +"Juggling seems fun. But","I just don’t have the balls to do it" +"I love my lungs","they have a place very close to my heart" +"You really gotta hand it to short people","they usually can't reach it anyways" +"Did you know you can tell the sex of an ant by putting it in water. If it sinks, girl ant","If it floats, buoyant" +"My husband and I were talking about my pet peeves. Me: I have a lot of pet peeves. Him: How do you feed them all. Me: Facepalm","Slow chuckle" +"Did you hear about the pumpkin seeds that were drilled out, and then left alone with nothing to entertain them","They were bored out of their gourd" +"World map My parents have been traveling the world and my Mom bought my Dad a big world map (in a frame) for his birthday. It comes with tacks that you stick into the countries you have visited. Once they put the tacks in I dropped this. Me: Isn't it funny how every country you have visited is now under attack . My Mom glared at me and it took my Dad a couple seconds","He giggled and gave me that I'm laughing but you know that was terrible look" +"I put a scrunchie on my horse today and she loved it","It's her new mane squeeze" +"Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies","He's going to have a great fall" +"What did the bladder tell the kidney when he left for vacation","URINE CHARGE" +"Such a treasure when kids discover a lamp for the first time","You should see their little faces lighting up" +"Dog talk Today, through the typical Christmas conversation,the topic of dogs came up. We were talking about what dogs we like and dogs we've owned. One person goes, I love my dog, but he's kinda dumb and broken. Naturally I responded with the only logical response","Maybe you should get him fixed I'm still young, but I feel ready to be a dad" +"My grandfather just dropped this on us Grandfather: Gah these cookies are hard. Cousin: Do you need some milk grandpa","Grandfather: No I need some teeth" +"Why didn't the pterodactyl make any sound in the bathroom","The p was silent" +"I told my daughter I could draw a 5 sided triangle. She didn't believe me. https://imgur","com/a/BVLCm" +"My girlfriend asked me why I always laugh at my father when he gets food stuck in his throat","The answer is simple, I just find dad chokes hilarious" +"Why was the ship at the bottom of the sea, shaking","It was a nervous wreck" +"What kind of shoes does a frog thief wear","steal toad" +"Today I yelled into a colander","I strained my voice" +"Preparing dinner for my SO tonight. While chopping a jalapeño, I cut off the top and pulled out the seeds and said, Look, dear - a hollowpeño. She was amused","She was a bit less amused when I cut off a chunk and said, It was all-apeño, now it's half-apeño" +"My daughter is a terrible driver but her doctor disagrees","He said she's got fine motor skills" +"What did one Llama say to other before their holiday","Alpaca my bags" +"The Phone This past weekend, my sister was visiting my dad and I. We're all on the same floor but they're both on the opposite side of the house from me. Suddenly, from across the house I hear my dad loudly yelling PHONE. PHOOOOOONE. I walk over to check out the scene. I ask What's going on. , and my dad replies: Your sister can't find her phone, so she asked me to call it","Seriously, dad" +"Did you know Santa is not allowed to go down chimneys anymore","It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety commission" +"I love to talk to rabbits","Because they're all ears." +"Two eggs are sharing yolks, what does one egg say to the other","I'm cracking up" +"I installed a sky light in my apartment","The people upstairs were not happy at all" +"In Honor of Talk Like A Pirate Day What is a pirate's favorite letter","You would think it would be ARRR, but a pirate's true love, is the sea" +"A church recently sustained a lot of damage, and had to hire a contractor in order to replace all of it's bells which were destroyed. After completing the work, all of the contractors were promptly arrested","They were charged with re-belling" +"How did the person know what time their house was broken into","They consulted the neighborhood watch" +"An old beekeeper had been raising bees for years. An old beekeeper had been raising bees for years. He'd had many bees he gave names to, like Buzz or Stripe or Sting. He got a kick out of naming them and he would spend hours with them crawling on his hands, looking at them, holding them gently and humming little songs. One year, the hive had a new queen, and she was the most magnificent thing he'd ever seen. He usually gave them clever names like Honey, but this one was just too gorgeous for that. He named her Beauty, and he would hum to her everyday as the sun went down. One day, during a particularly beautiful sunset, the old man was watching his queen as she peddled around in the palm of his hand, singing to her gently, when a gust of wind suddenly blew some debris toward his face. Workout thinking, he reacted, moving his hands fast toward his face, and smashed the queen right into his own eye","And so I guess what they say is true, Beauty really is in the eye of the bee holder" +"What do you call fast coffee","Expresso" +"Why don't Russians use upper case letters","They don't prefer capitalism" +"What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms","An amputee" +"What happened when Steve Miller drank a cup of herbal tea in his time machine. Thyme kept on sipping. sipping. sipping","into the future" +"Dad joked by my toddler today We were going for a walk and passed a school under construction. Since we've talked about it most times we walk by I wanted to see if he remembered what it was. We also have a book *Goodnight, Goodnight Construction Site*. Me: Hey ______, what's the construction site going to be when it's not a construction site any more. Him: Done","" +"My wife just broke up with me. She's sick and tired of my constant Zodiac puns. It Taurus apart","I'm in Pisces typing this" +"The other day my best friend met his fate after accidentally falling into a printing press at work","You probably read about him, he was in all the papers" +"Just watched a cook at Panda Express burn himself","I told him to wok it off" +"Why is the invisible man an amazing employee","Because good help is hard to find" +"I love my dad's humor My parents are heading up to NY on vacation together. We have a group text that has my parents, my wife and I, my brother and his fiancee, and my sister. All day, half the family has been traveling for either work of vacation, so there have been a lot of texts about when people have boarded their flights or landed at their layovers of destinations. After 2 hours without any texts, here are the latest two texts we all got: Mom: We got to NY. Dad: Glad to hear it. (remember, they're traveling together","Oy)" +"What kind of home does a washed up football player live in","Tin hut" +"I'd invite. Terry to the. Halloween party, but. I think he'll be terryfied. I know,. I know, that was","Terryble" +"My dad used to tell me jokes when I was a teen. When he stopped, I reluctantly asked him why. He said, Well son, you don't need to","You've already groaned up in the past years" +"I want to bake all my bread from now on","You can say is a loaf-ty goal" +"How do you call fish with no eyes","Fsh" +"We were talking about our cars Where'd you get your Focus","Years of schooling" +"Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed","Everybody" +"Step 1: Name your dog 5 miles","Step 2: Brag that you walk 5 miles every day" +"My friend said she can put her legs behind her head","I told her it sounded like a bit of a stretch" +"After being warned to protect my new phone, I finally got my protection in the mail today. They sent me one meant for a teen girl with bieber on it. I still will use it until i can replace it to protect my phone. Just in: Case","Just Encase Justin case, just in case" +"You know of holy water. But have you heard of holy milk","It's pastorized" +"Son- I have a cold and it stinks","Dad- Usually when you have a cold you can't smell a thing" +"Hey dad, have you seen my sunglasses","No son, have you seen my dad glasses" +"What do you call a cheap circumcision","A rip-off" +"There's a 10% chance this is a pun","It's one-in-tentional" +"What do you call a chubby psychic","A fourchin teller" +"My Dad is banned from the use of Dad jokes. My dad had a good one earlier. My mom asked him to get her cell phone from her jacket, she said it was in the right pocket. He quickly quipped well it wouldn't be in the wrong one would it","She wasn't a fan" +"What was the name of Einstein's little brother","Zweistein" +"Where Do Cows Trade Milk","The Moo York Stock Exchange" +"Why don’t horses get anything accomplished at their town hall meetings","They always vote neigh" +"What do you call an Australian that will only eat short-grain rice","A rice-ist" +"I asked my wife, “ I’m thinking of starting an exercise routine. What do you suggest. ” Her: Why don’t you try lunges","Me: That sounds like a huge step" +"Why do chicken coops have 2 doors","Because if they had 4 they would be chicken sedans" +"What has four legs and says boo","A cow with a cold" +"Pepperoni at the dinner table My dad just laid this one on me. Tonight for supper we had a pasta dish with mini pepperonis, cheese, sauce, etc. in it. Normally when my mom makes this she uses regular size pepperoni. I commented how much I liked the meal and she said I don't know, I kinda like it better with the big pepperoni to which my dad replies with I like it better with the little pepperoni, but then again I'm not a big pepperoni fan","A universal sigh was heard around the table" +"Judge can't help himself [NSFL] This is directly from a BBC news article today. Be warned. >Mr Cilliers, who was an experienced parachute packer, tampered with equipment he knew his wife was going to use. > >Mrs Cilliers, a highly-experienced parachuting instructor, suffered near-fatal injuries when both her main and reserve parachutes failed in a jump at the Army Parachute Association. > >Her survival was described as a near-miracle . It was put down to the soft soil of the ploughed field where she landed. > >Her light weight was also attributed as a factor in helping to minimise her injuries. > >Mr Justice Sweeney said Mrs Cilliers, although recovered physically, had sustained serious and long-lasting psychological damage","> > This was wicked offending of extreme gravity , he told Mr Cilliers" +"My coworkers aren't speaking to me anymore. Coworker: Every time the I try to pet the cows, they get skittish, but the horses are attention whores Me: Attention 'horse'. And would you said the cows mooooove out of the way","I apologized, but I think I'm going to get fired for those" +"MegaMan gets it. (X-post /r gaming) https://i. imgur. com/sZyqKK2","jpg" +"Why did the man stop eating clocks","It was too time consuming" +"If you were schizophrenic, do you think you’d know it","I’m asking for a friend" +"And man is on a plane, and asks to a flight attendant : Excuse me, how long will it take before we arrive at our destination. The attendant responds : Just one minute sir Wow","That's really fast" +"Rename. Hurricane. Florence to cowboys","It won't touchdown" +"I was going to post a time traveling joke","but you guys didn't like it" +"What kind of Bees make milk","Boobies" +"Horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, Hey","The horse replies, You read my mind" +"Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft","He conditioned it" +"My magician friend’s signature trick is to make cute kittens appear out of thin air","His stage name is The Wizard of Awwws" +"What do you get when you take your Viagra while eating beans","A stiff wind" +"I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first","Baby steps" +"A perfectionist walked into a bar","Apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough" +"I was going to make a joke about eating ass","But it was a little too tongue in cheek" +"What do you call a crazy mint","Menthol" +"Why is 0 = 1","cos 0 = 1" +"I'll never date another apostrophe","The last one was too possessive" +"What do you call a CD with two opposing drum solos","A discussion" +"My doctor asked if I knew I had back problems","I told him I had a hunch" +"Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself","It was two tired" +"My dad actually said this. Me and my brother were talking about bands we like. My brother said something about The Cranberries, so i asked my dad, Me: Hey Dad, what do you think of The Cranberries","Dad: Well, I kinda like the dried ones" +"Do you want to buy a broken barometer","No pressure" +"Did you hear there is a book coming out about how to overcome procrastination","The author started writing it 50 years ago" +"Oh no, looks like /r/dadjokes is under attack again. http://i. imgur. com/Ltnox52","jpg" +"The trick to a good standup comedy act is to bring high quality fruit punch","That way there's a punch line" +"I hated my job as an origami teacher","Too much paperwork" +"I have a fine collection of candy canes","They're in mint condition" +"Why couldn't Barbie ever get pregnant. Because Ken came in a different box","Edit: spelling" +"I entered a pull-up competition and I regret it. The bar was set pretty high","(I came up with this joke, though I would not be surprised if this, or a variant of the joke was on this sub" +"My dad walked by and saw me cleaning the floor with paper towels. He asked me, what spilled. I told him it was milk","He said Hope your not crying over it , walked away and went to bed" +"What did they call the person to invent denim","In-jean-ious" +"At our town's 4th of July fireworks show, a vendor was selling pet turtles. My wife, impulsive animal lover that she is, bought one. After the fireworks, we were gathering up our things to leave. She asked if her new turtle was OK","I picked up its little carrier, peered inside, and said, It looks a little shell-shocked" +"I saw a headline that stated Navy proposes sweeping changes after collision","My immediate response was What good will new brooms do" +"My 6 year old daughter will make an excellent dad one day. Me: Can you please go grab me a diaper. Her: You've been potty trained for like 20 years. Me: Obnoxious fake laugh in appreciation for her sarcasm","Her: It wasn't *that* funny" +"Complaing to my wife about the quality of our current batch of oolong tea: She responds with oh, I know why it's not as good","We bought oo-short tea" +"What's Harry Potter's favorite way of getting down a hill","walking JK ROLLING" +"Guy goes to the Doctor He says Doc, I think I'm going crazy. One night I'll dream that I'm a teepee and then the next night I'll dream I'm a wigwam. What's wrong with me","The Doctor looks at him and says you need to relax, your two tents" +"Ever wondered how many times dad jokes get reposted","You can see it here It" +"My grandpa took down 8 German planes, killing over 50 Nazi soldiers","He was know as “The worst aero mechanic ever employed at Messerschmitt" +"People tell me it's always good to wake up on time. I've finally got round to replacing my mattress with a clock","" +"What did the French Chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day","A hug and a quiche" +"Lady gaga has type 1 diabetes When asked by my kid's friend what the difference between type 1 and 2 diabetes is, I said, Type 2 diabetes is developed later in life. Type one is like Lady Gaga. a reply of blank stare for a moment, then he said, Lady Gaga is diabetic. My reply: No","for type one diabetes, you are *born this way*" +"Why is it so windy inside an arena","All those fans" +"/r/funny didn't like my post so I thought maybe you guys would. http://i. imgur. com/q4fZof7","jpg" +"How is fake dog crap like Head&Shoulders","They're both sham-poo" +"Knock, knock. Who's there. Smell mop. Smell mop who","Umm, no thanks I'd rather not" +"Did you hear about the brake pedal who had to leave his job","He had to stop when he got depressed" +"How do you organize a space party","You planet" +"One of the stars of Suicide Squad stated that he might start forging iron","This raises the question: Will Will Smith Smith" +"What kind of storage does water use","Cloud storage" +"Why can't Caitlyn Jenner's children see her","Cuz she's transparent" +"The. Home. Depot is giving away chimneys","They are on the house" +"Son is catching up to me in age This is more dad humor than a dad joke. Cake day is coming up and so my son decided to give me a hard time about being old. I responded that I may be old be he was catching up. He looked at me funny so I explained. “When I was 24 you turned 1 year old. At that moment I was 24:1 or 24 times your age. I am now 40 and you are 17 so 40:17 or 2. 35 times your age. 24 is much larger than 2. 35 so clearly you are catching up” He responded, you can’t use ratios to compare two dates. I said sure I can and made a graph: https://imgur. com/gallery/5atlNhZ I even included percentages to drive home the point","He smacked his head and walked away" +"The difference between a Bad joke and Dad joke","is always a parent" +"What did the atheist say upon arriving in hell","Well, I'll be damned" +"My wife says i keep my feelings all clammed up","She says I'm shellfish" +"Girlfriend who is a nurse - We had a patient who got kicked in the face by a cow","Dad - He should have moooooooooooooooved" +"What is a human-sized ant known as","A GI-ANT" +"My father-in-law is a classy man. At a wedding in Jamaica, we were all on the shuttle bus headed to the church, and everyone kept asking the driver what the different trees were. There was this one tree that had huge pea pod looking type things hanging from them, they were probably the same size as my arm","One lady asks what the pea pods things are, and my father in law pipes up and says, Yeah, they look like penises, but smaller" +"Mona Lisa was framed","Then they hung her" +"I use this one almost daily I work in a watch and accessory store, which sits directly across from a sephora, consequently we get a lot of husbands, dad's partner's etc. wandering through. They usually make a comment about waiting on some","My response Well Fossil is a great place to kill time" +"What do you call a possessed bird","A polter-goose" +"Where do you go if you want to see a lot of different animals up close","You go to the zoom" +"Farting on a lift is so wrong","On so many levels" +"What did the german bread say to the other german bread","Gluten Tag" +"A butcher and a rancher were playing poker, but the butcher had to fold","The rancher kept raising the steaks" +"Double tap on your screen. http://imgur","com/gallery/7uaWYDq" +"Why did they arrest the guy who buried people in cement","They had concrete evidence against him" +"Got engaged last weekend. Me, on speakerphone with both my parents: So, Rob just proposed. Dad: To do what","Me:" +"They always say start at the bottom if you want to learn something","Not the best way to learn to swim" +"If towels could tell jokes","They would have a dry sense of humor" +"What do you call a fish out of water","Dead" +"Experienced my first dad joke today. Me: Is there a minimum amount of money that you can write a check for. Dad: No, there isn't. Me: So you can write a check for 50 cents","Dad: Yes, but I'm sure that's not his real name" +"What happens before and after evenings","Oddenings" +"I used to hate facial hair","But it's grown on me" +"Archeologists have discovered the World's oldest bread","I think they found it in the Earth's crust" +"Why was the mushroom invited to the party. Because he was a fungi. But if he was such a fun guy, why wasn't the party at his house","Because there wasn't mushroom" +"I own a pen that can write underwater","It can write other words too" +"How many birds does it take to change a lightbulb","Toucan" +"Did you guys hear about the sickly looking 100 year old croutons found in an old, abandoned prison","Apparently it was bread in captivity" +"All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person they have ever met","I’m not buying it" +"I tried to start a. Velcro business","But it didn't stick." +"What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic","Halfway" +"Dadjoke by the Prophet Muhammad s. (x-post /r/islam) As related by Enes b. Malik: Once a man came to the Prophet and wanted to give him a ride on his camel. The Prophet replied: “We should give you a ride on a camel’s baby then. ” “But Prophet Muhammad, how can I ride on a camel’s baby. ” The Prophet replied:“Are not all camels the babies of a mother camel","” (Abu Davud, Edeb, 92; Tirmizi, Birr, 57)" +"Someone called me racist for saying blacks should have separated bathrooms and water fountains. I don't understand why","Who wants to drink water in a bathroom" +"My Biology teacher is the king of dad jokes. In the middle of class discussion: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. yeah i can spell that. 't-h-a-t' What do Alexander the Great and Smokey the Bear have in common. They have the same middle name. He is in fact a dad","will post updates throughout the year" +"Got this birthday card for my dad and it's filled with Dad Jokes. http://imgur","com/a/u4tGe" +"Why can't mailboxes have kids","Because there are no femaleboxes" +"What did the sniper say to his girlfriend after they broke up","I won't miss you" +"Nothing rhymes with orange Friend: No it doesn't. I shall now inform his girlfriend that he's ready for kids","Edit: Currently top of /r/dadjokes, my life has never been more meaningful" +"How do you know when the moon is going broke","When it's down to its last quarter" +"The Germans have a word for everything","Alles" +"Why are tigers always honest","Because they aren't lion" +"Never trust an atom","they make up everything" +"What do you call it when I, someone who has not kids yet, posts on this subreddit","A faux pa" +"6 year old son got hubby this morning *Had bought 6yo new shoes. They were still tied together with elastic. He brings them out the next morning to the kitchen* 6yo: Dad, can you cut these apart so I can wear them. Hubby: Hang on, I'm just making a sandwich. I'm hungry. 6yo: Hi Hungry, I'm (6yo). OOOOHHHHHH DAD JOKE. I GOT YOU","Our boy loves dad jokes" +"Sign Language dadjoke. (is this a first. ) So my wife is learning sign language in college and will come home excited about all the stuff she has learned and will try to teach me. The only thing I've retained so far is yes and no. So when I ask her something that she wants to say no to, she'll sign it (thumb, index, and middle finger spread out, and then closing, like squishing a bug). I'll reply to this with just the opposite, opening those three fingers. That is not the correct sign for yes, the correct sign is like knocking on a door. Well when she does that to correct me, I yell Who's there","She's going to divorce, I just know it" +"Obamas Thanksgiving dad joke It is hard to believe that this is my seventh year of pardoning turkeys,” Obama said. “Time flies, even if turkeys don’t","*this joke was kind of posted with a facebook link, but some of us are leery about facebook links" +"Did you hear about the guy selling broken pencil sharpeners","A lot of people thought it was great, but I didn't see the point" +"The bass notes in classical music give me a headache. My doctor says it's just lower","Bach pain." +"My wife asked me why. I bought a pear tree","I told her what, you told me to grow a pear" +"Please help. Time Travelers Anonymous desperately needs a place to meet","We need it yesterday" +"Went to Victoria Secret with my wife over the weekend","She walked away when I asked the sales assistant what the download speed was on the wireless bras" +"What do you call someone with no body and no nose","Nobody knows" +"I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes. But that’s","Heinz sight" +"Mom told Dad to pull up the zipper on his pants Dad says, it pays to advertise His dry delivery had me in stitches","Best part is when mom said you've heard that before, he's been telling that joke for 30 years" +"Why does Donald Trump take Xanax","Hispanic attacks" +"Speedometer is stuck on 75 A friend of mine and his girlfriend are waiting out the rain in their parked car to go jumping off a cliff into a lake. Their speedometer being stuck at 75mph","He turns to his girlfriend and says Well, we are going nowhere fast" +"I needed a hose. I went to the hardware store and told the attendant that I needed a hose. He asked, How long","I said, At least until the end of August" +"I never trusted stairs","They were always up to something" +"A conductor kissed a girl in his bus, police took the conductor to jail and gave him electric shocks but it had no effect. Why","because he was a bad conductor" +"I found a good bread recipe where I don't have to get my hands messy from mixing it","It is kneadless, to say" +"Pulled this off at work. Co-worker: have you ever been tobogganing","Me: where's bogganing" +"Fiancé got me with a good one in IKEA We were walking around the lights section and she ran off, grabbed a light shade with owls on it and said oh my god I love this one. it's a hoot","I think she's a keeper guys" +"Still in the shadow of the master dad. My parents are in town for a visit. Keep in mind that I have a 3 year old, so the dad jokes have doubled around here lately. We go eat and I'm sharing a big burger with my wife. It has a fried egg on it, which I don't like, so I gave her the half with the yolk in it. She bit into it and the yolk broke and dribbled all over her hand. Before I could say anything, my dad mumbles, Looks like the yolk's on you . I said, NOOOOOOOOO you beat me to it. as my wife and my mom rolled their eyes and groaned","I'm pretty good at the dad jokes, but my dad has the grandfather buff or something" +"Every day I squat down, tuck my head between my knees and lean forward","That's how I roll" +"I wanted to be a Chiropractor","But didn't have the backbone for it" +"Today I dadjoked my entire class We have a relatively small class for a college course. Anyways we were talking about Hillary and if she would run in 2020. One of the students said that she would be to old. The teacher said that old people could still run","I followed up with but not very fast the class made a collective groan" +"An unbridled masterpiece of a horse pun to one of my students this morning. It's a long setup, but dads will appreciate it. This one really happened as written. So, I'm a Spanish professor, and I gave a final exam this morning. One of the last parts was that students had to write a paragraph using reflexive verbs in which they describe their daily routine. Since the class only had nine students in it, I told them that if they wanted to wait, I would grade their exams for them and tell them their class grade. It was an open-book final exam (11 pages long), so I was in my office, and a graduating senior finished first and gave me her exam. When I got to her paragraph, I saw that she had written in Spanish that every day she work up, got up, took a shower, got dressed, brushed her teeth, ate breakfast, and then she and her friend Emmy went horseback riding. Now, I knew that she didn't go horseback riding, ever, but that it was vocabulary from the previous chapter. The following conversation ensued: Me: Horseback riding. Really. Her: Yep. Me: Every day. Her: Yep. Me: Every single day. Her: Sí, Señor","Me: I guess you could call it a *stable* routine then" +"A man and his son were at a bar. The man is standing near the dartboard. When one dart almost hits him, the man says, look son I'm Dart Evader. The son says, stop it dad","The man says, look, no, I am your father" +"What does a baby-computer call its father","Data" +"At dinner with my family for father's day My son had a few clams on his plate that didn't open when they were cooked and he asked how to open them. I told him to use *mussell power*","Happy Father's Day /r/ DadJokes" +"Sister was inspecting my mole, dad chimed in. Recently something like [this](http://i. imgur. com/K5Yb6iX. png) appeared on my back. My sister got concerned and googled it, informs me that it's called a halo nevus . Dad pokes his head in from the kitchen and says, You mean like a holy mole-y","He's still really proud of that one" +"I just drove by a train station in a bad part of town","It was on the wrong side of the tracks" +"Aspiring thief enters theatre","He stole the spotlight" +"I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day","It was just gathering dust" +"What is at the end of a rainbow","The letter W" +"A girl at the bar sat next to me and asked me for a double entendre","So, I gave it to her" +"Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave Me: Why","Bouncer: I don’t know you, and This is my trampoline" +"Did you hear about the guy that was afraid of Santa","He was Claus-trophobic" +"what do you call a australian con man","a kangaruse" +"So I was watching the CFB National Championship game with my dad and he hit me with this. *Talking about the size of the screen at Dallas Stadium* Me: I still can't get over it. Him: Well that's because its too tall","My dad doesn't offer many dad jokes so this was a special moment" +"This whole place is just a string of old posts http://i. imgur. com/6WQQOEr","jpg" +"Guess what","Chicken butt" +"Golden Egg hiding spot for Easter OK so as a dad who enjoys challenging his kids I would like some help. Shoot me your best feasible hiding spot for the Golden Egg on Easter","I'm thinking submerged in a hollow block or randomly dug hole just to fuck with the kids and their parents" +"Wife asked me if our vacuum cleaner had a 'blow' function","I said, No, our vacuum sucks" +"Last night it seemed darker than usual. Me: Hey doesn't tonight seem darker than usual. Co-worker: Well isn't it a new moon or something","Me: Well what happened to the old one" +"There's a gang of shoplifters going across town systematically stealing clothes according to size","Police say they're still at Large" +"Pun enters a room, kills 10 people","Pun in, 10 dead." +"I was having trouble learning echolocation","But then it clicked." +"My dad said this of me awhile back While in the car: Me: Dad I'm in distress","Dad: Why are you in distress, I thought you are in the car" +"I made a robot that does my job for me","I doesn’t work" +"A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present. The cop growls, You ARE the lawyer. The lawyer shrieks, Exactly","So where’s my present" +"Hurricane Harvey My daughter said her class raised a bunch of money for hurricane Harvey. I said, “Why would you that","It’s just going to blow it" +"Asked my boyfriend a question. What do you call a Mexican with dwarfism. A paragraph, cause he's too short to be an ese","He groaned" +"My wife complains that I never buy her flowers","I didn't know she sold any" +"On this day in 1944 the smallest soldier in WW2 was captured by the Allies","He was caught sleeping on his watch" +"What would Jesus eat. Probably angel food cake. No deviled eggs. Miracle whip on all his sandwiches. Thomas's English muffins. Doubt it. Hearts of palm on ice cream (a palm sundae)","Keep it going" +"I’m starving. I just woke up and feel like","I haven’t eaten all year" +"There should be a movie about a Jamaican curling team that competes in the Olympics","Call it Curl Runnings" +"How many South Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb","Brazilians" +"Arson","Nah man it’s… *crime brûlée*" +"Wife made a great dinner I texted her: Hey, thanks for dinner, it gave me","supper powers *puts sunglasses on*" +"Just remembered this one Five years or so ago I went to Wendy's with my dad","As we left the building, he exclaimed, It's very Wendy out, to describe the strong winds" +"A bear walks into a bar. Goes up to the bar and put his hands on the bar and says I'll have a. beer","Bartender asks why the big paws" +"What do you call a duck that gets all A's","A wise quacker" +"Do you know how I escaped from Iraq","Iran" +"I came across this, it's a mother but it suits this subreddit perfectly. http://imgur","com/UOhsCRu" +"When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked to find out that all my fingers were broken","It was hard to grasp" +"So i matched with an accountant on a dating site. And I asked her how she liked her job. Her (paraphrased) reply: I love it, what's great about working with numbers is that there's always a right answer","Me: I love it when everything adds up" +"Her: Hey, can you prepare the chicken for dinner. Me: Sure","Listen Chicken, There is no easy way for me to say this" +"What do you call a bakery on wheels","A winnabagel" +"3 hated 4 and the front hated the back","They really didn’t like all the back and fourth" +"I went to the library for a book about paranoia","The librarian said It's right behind you" +"What did the nervous dad say to his kid trying to harvest honey from an angry hive","Just let them bee" +"What does sonic say when he feels a little disconnected from God","Gotta go fast" +"Sent my wife some Dick Pics yesterday [SFW] She was not amused http://imgur","com/YkSoTot" +"My daughter to me. Daaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you","Me: What a strange way to start a conversation with me" +"My boss put a plant on my desk So earlier, my boss put a plant on my desk with some flowers on the bottom and then a weird stick plant thing reaching out from the top. One of the guys as he headed out said, Wow, nice plant. Me: I thought I would really try to reach my roots and branch out a bit","It seems to be working" +"The more wine. I drink. The more grapeful","I am." +"Have you heard about the guy who threw salt at everyone in the park","I heard he was charged for a-salt" +"Why does a chicken coop only have two doors","Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan" +"I was arrested the other day for stealing people's electrons","I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience" +"What do you call a government that controls toilets","To-toliet-tarian" +"I just bought a fridge","It's so cool" +"How do you compliment Casey's tattoo","Casey Neistat" +"I know a good one joke pizza but","I hate to tell it it’s way too cheesy" +"I really hope that there isn't a mad cow disease outbreak","It would leave udder destruction" +"Dad joked my waitress Went to the restaurant with my wife yesterday. After taking our orders, the waitress told us If you need anything, my name is Cindy . Without even thinking, I said : And if I don't need anything, what is your name","I was promptly met with eye rolls from both my wife and the waitress" +"What do you call the security at Samsung","The Guardians of the Galaxy" +"What do you call a place turtles go that don't have shells","A homeless shell-ter" +"How do tomatoes declare their love for each other","Man, i love you from my head tomatoes" +"My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall","I said maybe" +"What's Owen Wilson's favourite video game","WoW" +"As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself","This takes me back" +"My son and I went to see my parents. First, I hugged my dad","It was a grand father gesture" +"I got fired from my job at Pepsi","I tested positive for Coke" +"Pulled this one at a restaurant last night with my girlfriends family Waitress: You guys look like you're slowing down, should I start wrapping","Me: Sure I'll drop a beat Everyone at the table just pretended like they didn't hear it except for her grandfather who laughed" +"What's the difference between inhale and ingest","One you're getting pelted by small little ice the other one is just a joke" +"Why is it better to get beer in Ireland than in Scotland","Because in Ireland they Dublin size" +"Looking to buy some farmland north of Minneapolis/St. Paul in 1996 Dad: Lot's of corn you guys got on this farm. Seller: We sure do, been in the family business for many years now. Dad: Could be a little creepy with all the corn. stalking us. Seller: . Dad: Sorry, just a little corny jokes :D We left extremely embarrassed and never bought the land","(edit, formatting)" +"I saw a headless man in a wheelchair the other day","I guess he was handecapitated" +"Just Reversed-DadJoked My Dad With A Classic Dad: I'm hungry. Me: Hi hungry I'm son. Me: How did the reverse dad joke feel","Dad: No Comment" +"When Kim and Kanye's fourth child will grow up, he and his friends will keep the shrek memes alive. Because everytime he says anything, his friends will recollect it as","*Psalm buddy once told me*" +"Dad got the family on Halloween Sitting around tonight with my Dad and uncle. My uncle was talking about the taxi driver he used in Vietnam for the week. The driver spelled his name Wang so he called him how it looked like it was pronounced until right before they left the driver told them it was pronounced Wong","Without missing a beat my dad chucked once and said So you were pronouncing it Wong Everyone groaned while my father laughed to himself" +"Plastic surgery dad joke IRL My wife and I had dinner with a plastic surgeon friend. He told us about a time when he had to spend 10 hours re-attaching someone's hand that had been clean severed at the wrist","I told him, When it was done, did you tell the patient that you were glad you could lend a hand" +"A man walks into a bar and says, Give me a beer before the problems start. A man walks into a bar and says, Give me a beer before the problems start. He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, Give me a beer before the problems start. The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man When are you going to pay for these beers","The man answers, Now the problems start" +"When it comes to salinization","I find the whole process insalting" +"My kid wanted to get a bald porcupine as a pet","I said, “That seems pointless" +"Did you hear about the pharoah who was really into old vehicles","I think he was known as Tootin' Car Man" +"What do you call a cow with no legs","Ground beef" +"What do you call tap dancing with subtitles","Dubstep" +"Sometimes, now and then, occasionally, every so often, once in a while,. I wish","I didn’t buy a thesaurus for my birthday." +"My. SO's. Dad every time an ambulance speeds past","He'll never sell ice cream going that fast" +"Boyfriend got me. I was sewing a button on my daughter's dress and my boyfriend said, Are you alright. You seem stressed. Seem stressed. Seamstress","*groan*" +"My dad found out that. I am at risk of failing biology","He told me, “If you fail at biology, you fail at life.”" +"What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi","People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do" +"More clever than usual. My dad and I were watching the ball drop when Miley started performing 'Wrecking Ball'. He turns to me and says, Knock, knock Me, Oh God, who's there. Him, Hakeem Me, Hakkem who","and right as the chorus came on, he sings at the top of his lungs, HAKEEEEEEM INNN LIKEEE A WREEECKKKKINNNGG BALLLL" +"Son:. I am gay. Dad: *starts to sweat*. Mom: *looks at dad*. DON'T. Dad:. HI. GAY,. I'M","DAD!" +"If you think you missed 4/20 dont worry","Today its 422" +"Remember not to kiss after midnight, folks","It's not proper to kiss on a first date" +"My son thought he can outdad me with his puny animal puns","Tucan play that game" +"One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer. ” The weasel asks, “What can I have. ” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop. ” “Pop","” goes the weasel" +"What do you call a person who lives in Sweden but isn't from there","An artificial swedener (((Or Swede-ish as another user suggested)))" +"Been interested in a girl, I think this just sealed the deal. http://imgur","com/XB3aWTv" +"When my friend told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. Happy. Father's","Day!" +"The smart bunny. A lion was chasing a rabbit suddenly out of nowhere a fairy appeared and told them that if they quit fighting she'd grant 3 wishes to both of them. They both agreed. First it was the. Lion's turn. Lion- convert all the lions of the jungle into lionesses. GRANTED. Bunny- teach me the art of driving cars. GRANTED. Lion- convert all the lions of the neighboring jungles into lionesses. GRANTED. Bunny-. Get me the fastest car. GRANTED. Lion(3RD. WISH) convert all other lions in the world into lionesses. GRANTED. Bunny starts his car and shouts froM. THE. WINDOW. Make. THIS. LION","GAY!" +"I didn't appreciate reincarnation until I got hit by that truck","And woke up feeling like a whole new man" +"At the beach, I told my GF I woke up early in hopes of seeing dolphins off the coast, with no luck. Well babe, I guess I woke up early for no porpoise","She normally loves puns but all this got me was a eye-roll and a groan" +"I finally got my son to stop smoking","I put him out with the garden hose" +"A Mexican magician said that he could disappear on the count of three. He started counting, Uno, Dos","But then he disappeared without a Tres" +"Why don’t vampires like to smoke","They always end up coffin" +"I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet","I don't know y" +"I asked my wife if she wanted to rob an Asian restaurant or go for a stroll","Either way, we will be taking a wok" +"The punchline to this joke is straight, forward, and hurts","Because its a punchline." +"Got my mom and my sister yesterday as I was driving them to the city. Mom: Don't you want to be in the right lane. Me: Well I don't want to be in the wrong lane that's for sure","Sighs flooded the car" +"My friend insulted me the other day for having 4 toes","He's lack-toes intolerant" +"After","I gave my dad his 50th birthday card, he said to me: “One would have been enough.”" +"Originality","Since someone recently said we should all start upvoting originality, here's your chance, dads!" +"If your wallet goes through the washer","It's money laundering" +"The Dalai Lama walks into a pizzeria","He asks, can you make me one with everything" +"What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband","I don’t quite sea it that way" +"Got my Roomie with a pizza inspired joke So we've sat down to have our pizzas after an adventure to get them both, when he's commenting on how 'odd' his order turned out. Couple minuets later, he's offering the rest of the pizza to me, saying he can't handle the sauce. Oh. You must like reposts then, if you can't handle the sauce","He just stood there for a moment, then did the looong, slow sigh" +"I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend","They called it the Game of Groans" +"You know how the Canary islands is a misnomer, since there's no canaries","It's the same with the Virgin Islands There's no canaries there either" +"I just found my friend has a secret life as a priest","It's his altar ego" +"Me: Hey, dad. Check out this post. It's totally a ufo","Dad: it can't be a ufo; you've identified it" +"What do you call a french anime fan","a Ouib" +"Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands","Because they're dead" +"How do hairstylist workout","By curling irons" +"What does the cell say when his sister steps on his toe","Mytoesis" +"A guy walks into a coffee shop, goes the counter and asks, “So what’s the special. ” The barista shakes her head, “I can’t tell you, it’s a secret. ” The man frowns. “What do you mean it’s a secret. What’s the special today. Is it a latte. ” The barista shakes her head. “A mocha. ” She shakes her head again. “Oh, come on. Tell me. A cappuccino. ” She shakes her head. “An affogato. ” She shakes her head. The man is getting frustrated at this point. “Can you at least give me a clue. ” The barista thinks for a moment, then points at a jar on the counter. “Ok, the special is in this jar. ” “What is it. ” “I can’t tell you. It’s a secret. ” The man, enraged at this point, tries to grab the jar. The barista grabs it too. They fight for control and the man wretches it away only for the jar to fall on the ground and its contents spill out onto the floor. The man stares, “It’s just been normal coffee this whole time","” The barista shrugs, “I guess you spilled the beans" +"I still remember fondly the first time my Dad took me to a wonderful seafood restaurant. I’ll never forget it","A great mussel memory" +"Two wrongs don’t make a right","But two Wright’s make an airplane" +"Bodybuilders can be such drama queens","They're never happy unless they get their whey." +"Why can't your nose be 12 inches long. Because then it would be a foot. Yeah that just happened","Sorry" +"Everywhere else it’s. July 24 except the. UK where it’s the end of","May." +"My wife should have known better. My wife texted me. Wife: I might get a hair cut after work on Friday","Me: Why not get them all cut" +"What flavor would dad jokes be if they were edible","Pop-corny" +"Old but gold http://i. imgur. com/LzWFi9d","jpg" +"I posted a bad joke to Reddit and got no upvotes","Now that's bad karma" +"Yesterday I ate a clock","It was very time consuming, especially when I went back for seconds" +"My wife dragged me to a dance recital. Me: I hope there is a lot of ado. Wife: Huh. MC: Ladies and Gentlemen, without further ado","Me: Shit" +"I sure hope Elon Musk doesn't get into a scandal. Yeah","Elongate could stretch out forever" +"Where does the General keep his armies","Up his sleevies" +"All along,. I thought my floor was hardwood. But it turns out that","I've been bamboozled" +"The official name for them is “Dad Bods”","But they should be called “Father Figures”" +"Mom said she heard the downstairs toilet still running. My dad sighs and says well,. I guess","I'll put my shoes on and go catch it" +"My lady friend is a speech-language pathologist. Her clients delivered. BACKGROUND: Strokes can cause communication disorders, such as aphasia. This gem happened the other day. Her (discussing beer with client): You like darker beers. I respect them but I prefer lighter ones like Spotted Cow. Client 1: Different strokes for different folks, I suppose","Client 2: Literally" +"RIP. Boiling water","You will be mist" +"Why are honey farmer conventions so popular","Because of the freebees" +"39 and 40 got in a fight","41" +"I got my friend real good just now. Friend:. I’m too tired right now. Me: so like a bike. Friend: no,. I’m exhausted","Me: so like a motorbike then?" +"Family got a Millennium Falcon rug for my birthday. http://imgur","com/f20P0zK I call it the Kessel Runner" +"I have to go get my reading glasses because your menus aren't in brail","I work as a host and after seating someone he walked out promising he'd be back with a beautiful dad joke" +"Why do snails take self defense classes","So they don't get assaulted" +"Thanks for the gold, kind stranger . I told as","I was taking away his dental implant." +"What did the proctologist say when her husband asked her how her day was. oh you know","Same 'ol shit" +"I am a social vegan","I don't like meet" +"What do sweet potatoes wear to bed","Yammies" +"Midcrew Misfits I'm in the Navy, currently deployed. Happened while standing watch in the middle of the night. The food they serve at night isn't always warm","Fellow Sailor: Man, that food was chilly Me: I don't know, tasted like roast beef to me Commence groaning" +"“Dad, can I go to the Renaissance festival. ” Dad: No, you are grounded. Son: No fair","Dad: That’s exactly what I said" +"what did Judge Judy decide to do in the last case that came before her","adjudycate" +"Receptionist at my doctor's office: Someone will call you shortly","Me: I prefer to be called 'Robert'" +"Cousin's 3 year old daughter is going to be a great dad one day. My cousin and his wife have a 3 year old daughter, and they're traveling to visit us cross-country for Thanksgiving. In the hotel last night, cousin (Steven) was discussing breakfast with his daughter (Emily). Steven: Tomorrow morning, before we leave, the hotel is going to cook us breakfast. Emily: Daddy, how is the hotel going to cook us breakfast. It doesn't even have hands","Steven said he's never been prouder" +"ATM message after a failed","Comedian tried to withdrawal from his account- Cannot withdrawal, insufficient puns." +"What is the cheapest kind of nuts to buy","Deer nuts, they are under a buck" +"I do have a lot of pink pants Wife: Why do you have a lot of pink pants","Me: I'm the Pink Pantser" +"My friend hires Stormtroopers for driving safety lessons","He claims that they haven't hit anything" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at the elementary school","Everything’s alright, he woke up" +"What do you call a clock with no hands","An all-arm clock" +"Be alert","the world needs more Lerts" +"How much does Santa’s sleigh cost","£0, it’s on the house" +"Dad just randomly text this to me during the middle of the day while I'm at work I was at the National Bank ATM today when this old lady asked me if I could check her balance for her, so I pushed her over. God dammit Dad >","<" +"You should always wear two pairs of pants when golfing","In case you get a hole in one!" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When it's fully groan" +"Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road","It got stuck in a crack" +"How do you call female. Sonic","Daughteric" +"In the garden. Wife: are you planting sweet potatoes","Me: I yam Wasn't meant to be a pun, but she took it as one so may as well reap what I sowed" +"Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall","because he had such a bad summer" +"Did you hear that Nintendo is going to make a Queen-inspired Guitar Hero","Its going to be called Wii Will Rock You" +"My friend Sid was a victim of ID theft","Now we just call him Sssss" +"Interrupting Dad Son: Knock, knock. Me: Who’s there. Son: Interrupting Dad. Me: Interrupting Da- Son: “BUUUURRP","” I got dad joked by my 8 year old" +"All I did in my statistics class was subtract the average from a bunch of data points","It was very demeaning" +"My uncle told me this","It’s a wonder how stadiums get so hot when they’re all filled with fans" +"So April Fool's falls on a Monday this year","Is this a joke" +"What do you call a dog that can do magic","A Labracadabrador" +"Dad got me last night while cooking dinner I'm standing at the stove looking bored, cooking a spelt broth","Dad: If you want to know when that's ready, you'll need to use speltcheck" +"My friend lost his hearing, so we are learning sign language together","It‘s quite handy" +"I gave my seat to a blind person today","I lost my job as a bus driver." +"I'm waiting on. Nelly to make a sequel to Hot in here","Call it Hot out there." +"The remote was out of arm's reach Boyfriend was reaching for the remote, complaining that it was too far","I said, it's at a remote location" +"Dadjoked/complimented my wife Her: I only drink water with ice if I'm hot","Me: so, always water with ice" +"I took my son to the hospital. My 3 year old son was running around and fell earlier today, hitting his head against the corner of a wall. I took him to the hospital to get the small gash in his head checked out while my wife stayed home with our daughter. End result 2 hours later, they glued it shut and we were on our way home. When I came in, my wife asked me how it went. I told her the story and she asked about the wait and what I did with my son. I responded The entire trip was a bonding experience","My first dad joke" +"I’ve just been charged for using sandpaper to kill my victim","I only wanted to rough him up a bit" +"Why is the NFL draft held in Chicago","Because it's the Windy City" +"Do you know why when geese fly in a V formation one side is always longer","Because there are more birds on that side" +"What's the difference between yogurt and Australia","If you leave yogurt on it's own for while it develops it's own culture" +"My dad just told me a joke he told about 2012 Back before the world was supposed to end on Dec. 21st, 2012 a friend, and employee, of my fathers was certain the world would end. He quit his job, built a bomb shelter, and stocked it with enough canned food and guns for years. When the world didn't end he called up my dad all pissed off that he wasted all his money on this stuff and he didn't need it, and my dads response: Hey man, just relax, it's not the end of the world","" +"I entered a kleptomania competition","I got gold, silver and bronze" +"I went to the grocery store","The sign said No food or drinks inside So I went home" +"Why does Spider-Man need to sling webs to move through the city","Because he’s Peter Parker, not Peter Parkour" +"My friend asked me for my best dad joke. But","I don’t know if their going to give it back." +"How did I get out of Iraq","Iran" +"At the drive thru at Starbucks I was in the car with with both my parents, turning into Starbucks where we see an ambulance parked with its lights flashing. As we get closer, two paramedics come out of the store with a man on a stretcher. My dad drives up to order from the drive thru and says","So I heard you guys have some killer coffee" +"Last night, I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 p. and the clock struck midnight","I thought, “Same shit, different day" +"Following the tragic death of the human cannonball, a spokesman said","We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre" +"What's the difference between a piano, a tuna and a pot of glue","You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna" +"My wife just told me, “Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes. ” I said, “That’s","a novel idea" +"I had to put my cat down today","She's overweight and my arms were getting tired" +"2 wrongs don't make a right","But 3 lefts do" +"I have a bunch of jokes about people who are unemployed","But none of them work" +"What is brown and sticky","a stick" +"As a doctor, I’m addicted to hitting my patients on the knees to test their reflexes","I really get a kick out of it" +"Friend's father had a little wordplay for me. What do you call a snobbish criminal going down a flight of stairs","A condescending con descending" +"The ATM My mom was at the ATM entering her password. Suddenly, a wild dad appeared and said : hah, your password is so easy to remember. The characters are all X's","We all sighed deeply as he laughed uncontrollably, and proceeded our journey in Life ignoring what he just said" +"The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees","” Now I can’t open the oven, as the door faces the wall" +"How does the Devil visit heaven","The Hellevator" +"What country never wins or loses Thailand","( Credit to my brothers who dosent use reddit" +"My baby girl is going to have trouble with the cops","She is always refusing to take a nap And resisting a rest" +"Late night dad joke idea. I wrote my buddy and","I's name on a piece of paper and handed it to him while saying just so we are on the same page." +"A priest, rabbi and minister walk into a bar","The bartender says What is this, a joke" +"Dad my toe hurts. At dinner last night, my 7yo daughter bangs her foot against the table leg, starts whining. DAD My toe hurts. To which I reply in a *hasty* voice, Oh NO. SOMEBODY QUICK Call a Tow Truck. She did not want to laugh. She tried to stay serious","I won" +"Well Played Sir. http://i. imgur. com/okGn44M","png" +"What animal do French women wear to give them support","Zebra" +"Caught in some kitchen cleanup I work pizza delivery and late on Sunday night I was counting out my money. I was deep in concentration and when I finally turned around I found that the kitchen workers were cleaning out the walk-in cooler and they had stacked box after box of cheese nearly surrounding me. I turned to the nearest worker and said, Hey, I'm really getting cheesed here. She snorted","I chuckled for the next hour, and on and off for the next few days" +"*Daughter’s friend, over for dinner* Me: do you have any allergies. Her: no. Me: are you allergic to dad jokes. Her: yes","Me: that’s good, at least I’ll get a reaction" +"Call it a day Texting with my girlfriend when she wanted to know what to wear to go to my mom's house with me on Mother's Day. GF: Can I just wear a long dress and call it a day. Me: Of course. I don't know why you'd call a dress a day though, that's weird","GF: :| :| :|" +"Where to put her purse. Wife: When I'm driving, and you are in the passenger seat, I have no place to put my purse. Me: Yeah, its hard when there's another 'purse-in' here","Wife: God, I hate your dad jokes" +"My father and I love The Vanilla Ice Project. [So he excitedly text this gem to me. ](http://imgur","com/mglSWRW) What what vanilla ice arrested for breaking and entering Heist heist baby He was really smitten with himself" +"What's the worst thing about ancient history class","The teachers tend to Babylon" +"A blind man walked into a bar. And a chair. And a table","And a bunch of people" +"Why don't hamburger buns ever get along","There's always beef between them" +"Five year old daughter asked me if I knew how she slept last night Her: Do you know how I slept last night. Me: With both eyes closed","She got the joke and had a good laugh" +"Dadjoked by my teen daughter Walk by while my 15 yr old daughter is watching America's Next Top Model. Me: all the girls come across as phony on that show. Her: that's because they're all posers","All I could do was slow clap" +"Why was Yoda afraid of seven","Because six, seven ate" +"What do you give to a sick female pornstar","Peniscillin" +"Why are leopards bad at hide and seek","No matter where they hide, they're always spotted" +"I went to the store and bought some moving boxes","When I got home, I set them on the floor and they just stayed there :( -- As told by my dad" +"I burned 2,000 calories yesterday","Left the brownies in the oven for too long" +"The first rule of world domination is to always capitalize on your enemies mistakes. ON. YOUR. ENEMIES","MISTAKES" +"The only thing flat-earthers fear","is sphere itself" +"Have you seen the score between the Ocean and the Beach","It was tide" +"I went for a tour of a mine the other day","I was in complete ore the whole time" +"I'm going to start selling. John. Lennon memorabilia on ebay","Imagine all the paypal" +"What do you call a seagull that lives by the bay. “A bagel” This one was always in my dad’s arsenal when it came time to meet my new friends","" +"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb","It’s this really obscure number; you’ve probably never even heard of it before" +"I don't really have a favorite vacuum cleaner brand","I think they all suck" +"what do you call a sleepwalking nun","a roamin' catholic" +"Heard this while at a town festival this weekend A guy was playing music while trying to sell his CDs","Between songs, he threw this out there: Bought myself an AM radio the other day; I was really happy when I found out it still works in the evening" +"My wife suggested that I try a blindfold, but I decided not to","I just couldn’t see myself wearing it" +"I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get “saved” or you'll “burn”","Stupid firemen" +"Bob. Seger was once playing. Chess","That's when he noticed, Ain't it funny how the knight moves?" +"A date once told me she can talk to shoes","I was blown away when she showed me how to converse." +"My wife called me a sex machine. Well, her exact words were, “You’re a fucking tool” but","I knew what she meant." +"I saw a bumper sticker saying “I am a veterinarian, therefore. I can drive like an animal”. Suddenly","I realized how many proctologists are on the road." +"So my Dad just popped this one. My mom wanted to go to the cooking store to look at stuff and my dad replied ”why do you want to go to the cooking store. to see what's cooking","” awfulllll" +"Do you know why the say be there or be square","Because you're not around" +"My wife face palmed, she knows it's true My sons were playing in the pool with a blow up orca pool toy. One of them was riding it and I looked at my wife and told her that there is no question he is my son. She asked why","And I said because he's whale endowed" +"Mountains are the best place to get a few laughs","They are hill areas" +"He was told to wear a plain tie (x-post from funny) [So he did](http://i. imgur. com/7WY9pW8","jpg)" +"I heard that they are making a Star Wars movie with an Hispanic cast","Rogue Juan" +"What kind of overalls do the Mario Bros wear","Denim Denim Denim" +"Dad jokes The secret service isn’t allowed to say “Get Down","” any more when there is an attack, instead they have to say “Donald, duck" +"What is atheism","A non-prophet organization" +"Two guys walk into a bar","You’d think the second one would have seen it or something." +"Here's one muslims will appreciate. Before drinking always say bismillah to ward away the 3 jinns","2 hydrojinns and 1 oxyjinns" +"Why does Norway navy have barcodes on their ships. So when they come to Port they can","Scandinavian" +"When someone asks, Are you free today","My response is: I'm an American, so I'm free every day" +"I figured out today I can talk to animals","They usually don't talk back, but yeah" +"Coworker was making a. Cup. Of. Noodles","He picked out two peas and said look at my pea pea" +"Did you hear about the business selling land mines disguised as prayer mats","The prophets are through the roof" +"I tell people. I’m good at board games. In reality,","I don’t have a cluedo" +"Fiance got me while I was driving today Me: Hey do you want to know why they say you should drive with your hands on the wheel at 10 and 2","Him: Well, you should have your hands on the wheel at all times of the day" +"I heard a scary 4 chord song the other day","It gave me the E B G B's" +"It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs","They always take things literally." +"Anne has a problem. Anne has a solution. Anne has a will. [Anne Hathaway](http://media. hotbirthdays. com/upload/2015/11/09/anne-hathaway2","jpg)" +"My printer for the last 10 years finally died on me yesterday","It was like a Brother to me" +"Why do cows wear bells","Because their horns dont work" +"What's the quickest way to make a dad joke","Ctrl C, Ctrl V" +"What can you hold in your left hand that you can't hold in your right hand","Your right hand" +"My dad tried to punch the fog today","he mist" +"What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea","A Salad Shooter" +"A Dad Joke 20 years in the making Legally blind man sees for the first time in 20 years, dad joke ensues. http://imgur","com/gallery/IfQbYbx" +"A science teacher was explaining to me about all the space inside an atom. I listened for a while before. I told him, You","Bohr me." +"We made a video call with family staying in. Mexico,","Grandma dropped this one on em I think it's winter down there, you guys are freezing all the time!" +"No air conditioning","That's not cool" +"My dad told me he went to the Middle East when he was younger Dad: Do you know how I got there. Me: By plane","Dad: No, Iran" +"Irish line dancers have superior form","Hands down." +"Last night your mother and I watched two movies back to back","Luckily I was the one facing the TV" +"What do you call a set of stolen bass instruments","Contraband" +"What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo","One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter" +"My Mother told me of a Sorta messed up Dad Prank/Joke he pulled back in the day. My mother and father met at work. It was a typical office environment. There was a secretary who after sitting at her desk would kick off her high-heels everyday, because they were uncomfortable. One morning she came back from her desk to find that her shoes were missing. She started to cry, and went up to my mother (Who worked as an underwriter) to tell her that she couldn't find her shoes. My mother spends quite the time helping this distraught women search for her shoes. Eventually later that day, my mother and father met for lunch. My mother tells my father of the poor secretary who was missing her shoes. My dad with a smirk on his face says They are in the Filing Cabinet , my mom angry at what he put the women through asks Why would you put her shoes in the filing cabinet he reply's I don't know why she couldn't find them, I filed them under S","Sure enough when my mother return's from lunch she open's the secretary's filing cabinet and filed under S for shoes are sitting her high-heels" +"Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a tree. Of course not","It's hiding" +"My wife got mad because. Inate all the flatbread","I told her it was a naan issue" +"Accidentally got myself and a store clerk. So this morning on my way to work I stopped at a Walgreens to grab some snacks and drinks. (For those unknowing, it's a pharmacy/grocery) I recently quit smoking and found the snacking helps on cravings. Anyhow, the clerk rings me up and says my total: $7. Without even thinking it I blurt out It's not a seven-eleven. It's a Walgreens","Suddenly terrified that I am apparently a dad, I grabbed my stuff and left, the haunting echoes of laughter behind me" +"Don’t you hate that the carton of orange juice says concentrate","But never says for how long." +"TIL some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet","That must be a shitty phobia to have" +"Where did Captain Hook get his hook","From the second hand store" +"A man assaulted me with butter, cream, and milk","How dairy" +"Nickolodean are doing an underwater version of paw patrol starting crabs It's called Claw Patrol","I managed to get a groan and an eye roll from the wife for that one" +"What’s the opposite of a “yes man","” It’s ya boy" +"Steak puns are difficult to think of","Its a rare medium well done" +"I was drilling through some blocks of hard maple wood and noticed my drill bit was getting hot. It smelled a little like burning but I kept going, and","holy smoke" +"Why is there a fence around the cemetery","Because people are just dying to get in" +"This one time when I was still a kid, my younger sister got very mad at me for making silly noises. To show our parents that her ensuing fit of anger wasn't as annoying as my goofing off, my sister said, Well at least I'm not walking around the house going Hurgerbgehbh blurgeblegh blurgega, hurr dee hurr, derr","To which my dad said, Yes you are" +"An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician. Greetings, comrade. says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, I think you are American spy. The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, That is not true. I am the proudest Soviet there is. I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country. He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers. Very good, very good. says the politician. But I still think you are spy. The man continues to keep his cool. I am a historian. I can tell you everything about this glorious country. He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society. Amazing. You are skilled. says the politician. The spy smirks. But I still think you American spy. The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed. He replies, I am good drinker, a true Russian. Let us drink, and see who can come out top. The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest. The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka. After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar. In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, You are good, you are good. but I still think you are spy. The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up. Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time","The Russian politician replies, There aren't many black people in Russia" +"I drove past a gas station and I saw two signs posted help wanted and self service","So I walked in and hired myself" +"Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing","He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink" +"Why is the ocean so salty","Because the land never waves back" +"What's a bunny's favorite genre of music","Hip-Hop" +"What do you call a bathroom with an octopus inside","Octo-pied" +"What do you call the horse next door","The neeiiiggghhhhbor" +"Why do you never want to eat food cooked by a journalist","He never reveals his sauces" +"what is the best ice breaker","Titanic" +"So this exchange just happened with my dad. Me: Dad, would it be cool if I turned off the heat. Dad: Yes, it would be very cool","/facepalm /reddit" +"Unmistakable dad chuckle So my sister dad and I were sanding and then painting the exterior of our house. My sister and I were sanding while my dad painted what we had already sanded","Then we hear the unmistakable dad-chuckle and he said, I should set you two on fire so then you'd be BURNING SANDERS" +"My wife was complaining about her weight. So I told her to hand me a lighter. As she was holding it, I said, “There. You got a little lighter now","” I was never heard from again" +"What do you say to your sister when she’s crying","Are you having a crisis" +"Have you guys heard that rumor going around about butter","Nevermind, I shouldn't spread it" +"I just broke up with my girlfriend the other day so. I took her wheelchair","Guess who came crawling back" +"Dad, why are you still using internet explorer. What do you mean use","Aren't I the internet explorer" +"I dont know why dad jokes get a bad rap, women love them","Otherwise they'd be called bachelor jokes" +"My wife just admitted that she broke my favorite lamp","I don’t think I can look at her in the same light ever again" +"Got my mom in Home Depot yesterday. Wow, this gigantic bag of potting soil is only $3","Yeah, it is dirt cheap" +"I'm worried about the calendar. Its days are numbered. Edit: As u/Des8bit points out, Cortana makes this joke if you ask her to tell you a joke","I got it from my brother, who is a lover of dad-jokes and attempts to make them at any possible opportunity" +"Dad, this lamp isn't as. I heavy as. I thought . Of course not, it's a light","Cue rolling eyes and a that's not funny" +"Got dad joked at Chipotle Me: Steak burrito please. Chipotle guy: White or brown rice sir. Me: Extra white rice please Chipotle guy: Sir, we only have the one shade of white rice Took me a while to get it, but when I did, uugghhh","Much respect" +"Sea Bass So I am staying in Germany with a host family. I know little German and we all went out for lunch. I was looking at the seafood section and I took forever in deciding what I wanted, going back and forth between the salmon and the sea bass. I finally decided on the sea bass, and we order our food. So some restaurants in Germany are a lot more casual than American restaurants, and you sometimes seat yourself and the waiter/waitress will bring the silverware and napkins to you later. So when I saw the waiter bring over a plate with silverware and napkins on it, he placed it in front of me, to which I naturally said: Well, I could have sworn I ordered the sea bass","My host family literally died laughing" +"It's hard to define how. Soylent. Green tastes","It varies from person to person" +"What did a pirate say on his 80th birthday","Aye matey" +"My father in law is a pro My father in law hurt his foot last week. We asked him if it has healed yet","Oh, it is 'healed', but it is not well, yet The groans in the room were deafening" +"They attacked the. US. Embassy,","Iran" +"My dad at dinner. Dad: hey. I have a confession to make. Me: what is it. Dad: I used to be addicted to the hoke-poké. BUT THEN I TURNED MYSELF AROUND","me:" +"My friend needed to run and catch the bus","I told him he'd need an awfully big trap for that." +"I may not have the most common blood type but I have the second most","And that's a positive" +"My dad just finished building his new house. I wanted to see it so [**he sent me this picture. **](http://i. imgur. com/XXvoCUO. jpg) He said","you can't really tell how big it is from the picture so check out the front porch" +"I was having lunch with my dad at McDonalds today. It took a while to get our food. After a sizeable wait a heft woman brought out our food. She said, Sorry about the wait","To which my dad responded, Don't worry you'll lose it eventually" +"The Story of Jefferson Handy There once was a golfer named Jefferson Handy. He was a decent golfer, even better considering that he was unable to stand for more than a few minutes without intense pain. Due to his affliction, Jeffrey was always spotted a few strokes on the course. Anyway, Jeffrey was always known for a smile on his face and his cabby hat he wore for good luck. One day, while on the 7th green, a lady appeared from one of the water traps and told him she would grant him any wish, but at a price. He said sure, and asked to be able to stand again. She granted him his wish, but for payment, she took his hat. And that's the story of the lost Handy Cap. > I want to apologize to everyone today","These terrible jokes have been coming to me all morning and I can't turn it off" +"Where do insects go to eat fruit","Applebee’s" +"I quit my job at the helium factory today","I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice" +"What do you call two barracuda fish","A Pairacuda" +"Take my advice","I don't use it anyway" +"Got a guy on the bar today Guy: Call me taxi. (Towards the bartenders) Me: You're a taxi","Groans heard throughout the bar" +"What do you call a hen looking at a bowl of lettuce","Chicken sees-a salad" +"How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen do. Enough to kill two and a half men","(Reposted with the right Sheen) (Showing my age)" +"My teacher says I'm pretty good at addition but I'm terrible at subtraction","I don't get the difference" +"I have hay-fever at the moment","Snot funny." +"The doctor I was working with today got me pretty good A patient had broken her thumb and was complaining about difficulty using electronics. I said something to the effect of I guess you'll have to learn how to be more ambidextrous And the doctor replied I think they call that ambiTEXTrous I cringed, I laughed","Mostly cringed though" +"What Scientific Principle Should You Follow When Making Guacamole","Avocadro's Law" +"My sister was telling us that she was thinking about studying midwifery. Uncle: Not full-wifery then","Me: Babysteps" +"Im developing fear of sausages","I fear the wurst" +"What does a horse look for when voting","A stable economy" +"My friend threw his hands up over this joke My friend: you’re loading Me: you’re loading. Friend: you want to say that again. Me: no","I was going to make a computer joke, but I froze" +"Someone asked if. I would want to have 4 arms. I told them","I already had forearms..." +"Please, call me Duncan. Mr","Donuts is my father" +"What did the buddhist say to the hotdog vendor","Make me one with everything" +"How do you turn a duck into a soul singer","Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers" +"The Inca could not read [OC] Daughter: Dad, did you know that the Inca didn't have a writing system. Instead, they used a [system of knotted strings](https://en. wikipedia. org/wiki/Quipu) to communicate. Me: So the Inca could (k)not read. D: I said they *could* read. Me: No, you said that they could **knot** read","Make up your mind" +"Did you hear about the man with a stutter","The judge says he'll have a hard time with his sentence" +"What does an unhappy Scandinavian say","I wish I was never Björn" +"I texted my grandfather asking how he was doing. He said, Same old","I said, You forgot to put a comma" +"What do you call a 3-legged donkey","A wonkey" +"What did one butter stick say to the other butter stick","Your my butter from another udder" +"why is 69 afraid of 70","because they had a fight and 71" +"Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed","Tomorrow I’m taking this piece of junk back to IKEA" +"What do you call a belt of watches","A waist of time" +"Dad called me before to tell me he forgot to tell me something. TJ, I meant to tell you something when I was one the phone with you before. What. The invisible man and the invisible woman got married, but no one could see what they saw in each other. Wow, Dad. And their children weren't much to look at either","Thanks, Dad" +"Why is Will Smith such a successful actor","Will power" +"My friend's dad's advice when I said my cat is overweight. Have you tried putting him on the Catkins diet","*Cringe*" +"Did you hear what happened at Chernobyl","I’m not sure, but I think they were overreacting" +"Mother's. Day. Dad. Joke. I said something to tease my mom a bit and she goes: I'm going to put you back in my womb","My response: I don't think there's enough womb ." +"What do you call a criminal going down stairs","Condescending" +"They have a lot of caps in America My brother is currently on a vacation in America, and he sent me a pic from inside a store selling caps","Naturally i warned him not to become CAPtain America" +"I recently found out. I was colorblind","The diagnosis came completely out of the purple" +"Guy sits down in an exam room with a carrot sticking out of his ear","The doctor says, Well, first of all you're not eating right" +"I bought a muzzle for my pet duck","It isn’t flashy, but it fits the bill" +"Anyone know why my post was removed. http://imgur","com/a/fzsMq" +"Did you hear the one about the kid that went to Vaseline college","I heard he slipped right through" +"What Do You Call A Communist Potatoe Named Richard A Dick Tater","I'll see myself out" +"My dad made this joke after I showed him a boxing video Me: And that's Amir Khan Dad: So he's not British. Me: Yes he is. What do you mean","Dad: You said he was Amir Khan (American)" +"What did the Mexican carpet seller yell to all his customers. Underlay","Underlay" +"I think I swallowed some food colouring","I've dyed a little inside" +"How come you never see elephants hiding in trees","Because they are really good at it" +"Got my mate a doozie Her: It's really hard to eat with a blocked nose","Me: Have you tried using your mouth" +"Hmmm What's the difference between me and a calendar","A calendar has dates :///" +"Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds","Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today" +"I took the shell off my racing snail today","I thought it would make it faster, but if anything it just made it more sluggish" +"What do you call somebody with no body and no nose","Nobody knows" +"What do you call a magic dog","Labracadabrador" +"My fridge would not stop beeping","I told it that it needed to seriously chill." +"There's no homecooking in lesbian households","Only eating out" +"I stole a Heartbreakers album when I was younger","I got arrested for Petty theft" +"Could you imagine a metalworker who bites his tongue but then cannot quite place the metallic taste of his blood","It's irony" +"I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane","We're currently filming the pilot." +"I received a letter through my door earlier which read in big letters 'DO NOT BEND'","How the am I supposed to pick it up" +"How much room do you need to grow a fungus","As mushroom as possible" +"My son fell into an industrial atomizer today","He will be mist" +"What do you call a cheap circumcision","A rip off" +"My roommate is getting annoyed because I won't stop my flamingo impression","So I've had to put my foot down" +"Where do Norse gods listen to music","At the Thorchestra" +"What do you call 10 rabbits walking backwards","A receding hareline" +"What was the general consensus amongst seals in regard to the new club scene","It was a hit" +"Why is formula so expensive","Because it is made of mula" +"After spending the day eating vegetarian food","I falafel" +"Lately I've found myself hiding from exercise all the time. I think I'm in a fitness protection program","(credit to my mum for this one)" +"The Classic Dad joke. Remastered","You: Dad, im a Communist Dad: Hi hungry I'm Dad" +"How do you steal a coat","You jacket" +"How do you keep a person in suspense","I'll tell you tomorrow" +"Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital","He never recovered" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When it's fully groan" +"Just Got Fired From My Job At The Bank","An old lady told me to check her balance so I pushed her" +"Why was the delivery driver forced to wear glasses","Because everyone wanted contact-less delivery" +"I was going to post a joke about fishing","but I forgot the line" +"They say that my jokes are just plain stupid but [this picture says otherwise. ](https://i. imgur. com/ir65AOr","jpg)" +"A little girls teacher asks her what starts with E but you're really bad at","The girl responds, Spelling" +"I had a terrible orgy the other day","Nobody came" +"Did you guys see the preview for the movie about the worlds biggest 18-wheeler","It was one really long trailer" +"My dad posted this on his Facebook. It actually made me laugh. http://imgur","com/onaMki2" +"My wife warned me not to steal the kitchen utensils","But it's a whisk i'm willing to take" +"My son asked me how to make a bad joke","I said ask your mom" +"In the midst of an unwanted pregnancy. My fiancee turned to me when we found out. Her comment: Well, fuck. Wait, that's what got us into this mess in the first place.","She's gonna make a great dad" +"Dad's macbook ran out of battery dad: Oh I'm out of apple juice","me: -_-" +"If i put on cowboy clothes does that mean","Im ranch dressing?" +"What do you call a narcissistic lobster","Shellfish" +"Like most people my age","I'm 45" +"Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo","For meatier showers" +"Went to see Infinity War with my dad. He takes one look at Thanos and says “Man. Those boots are out of this world","” (Actually what happened irl)" +"I saw some Cajun cheddar cheese curds at the grocery store","but I prefer my Cheddar free range" +"It takes a big man to admit his mistake","But it takes a bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut" +"What phone line does the White House send its official press releases from now","The alternative fax" +"Today. I walked in on my wife taking a bath in a tub full of mouthwash","I caught her in the act" +"How do you make an egg laugh. You tell it a funny yolk","I hear it really cracks them up" +"I met this fancy chicken while I was in Jamaica","He was a bit of a jerk but he had good taste" +"I just made my secretary audibly groan. She came into my office with a box of highlighters for me and as a dad, I felt compelled to say thanks, this will be the highlight of my day She sighed, groaned, and left, questioning her life choice to work here",":(" +"Do you guys want to know what I put in the wooden box I made and threw in the ocean. Never mind it’s a sea-crate","(I made this up please don’t murder me)" +"Use a wok. I got my wife good. My wife told me she wanted a high quality wok for Christmas. She said her aunt uses a wok all the time","Me: I use a wok all the time, but now I prefer to drive" +"My son turns 1 on Tuesday. I think it's finally kicking in. *I get home from work last night and see my girlfriend doing arts and crafts in the living room. * **Girlfriend:** “Do you know where the super glue is. **Me:** “Yeah, follow me. *I lead her to the kitchen cabinet, grab a can of Progresso and hand it to her. * **Me:** “I have no idea where the glue is though. **Girlfriend:** *Stares at the Traditional Chicken Noodle can for a moment in confusion, then rolls her eyes, and groans as she walks off. * **Me:** http://imgur","com/ClaVeNx" +"Hey dad, where's the bin. Dad: I's bin loadsa places, where's you bin. Every. Damn","Time" +"The wife and I are playing silent tennis","Its the same as regular tennis but without the racket" +"Bill and his friend Dave both needed to get some legal documents notarized Bill and his friend Dave both needed to get some legal documents notarized, so they went to the notary together. Bill asked the notary if he could go first because Dave had quite a few items and Bill had one. The notary said, “Sorry","You sign affidavit" +"I walked in to my house and shouted, I have a new cat joke","Just kitt'en" +"I heard Trump met the Prime Minister of Israel","I had to google him because he's not in Yahoo" +"How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb","A Brazilian" +"Whenever my dad goes to get gas he says “regular please” and when the gas station attendant (we live in Oregon) asks “fill","” my dad replies “No, Fred, nice to meet you”" +"Son: Mom, dad, I'm gay Mom: Stares at Dad Dad: Clenches Fist Mom: Don't. Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom:","Dad: HI GAY, IM DAD" +"To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket","You can hide but you can't run" +"I invented a new game called Silent Tennis","It’s like regular tennis but without the racquet" +"How do you know when a crab's drunk","When it starts walking straight" +"Wife: It's amazing how those woodpeckers can just cling to the tree like that","Me: Yeah they must be very talonted" +"Why do Scuba Divers fall backwards off of the boat","Because if they fell forwards, they’d still be in the boat" +"My dad accidentally left a knife in the fridge. Mom found it and she yelled from the kitchen: Why is there a knife in the fridge. My dad, without missing a beat, replied: Because revenge is a dish best served cold","God damn, dad" +"What do lawyers wear to work","A lawsuit" +"My maths teacher called my grades average","I think he's mean" +"What’s white, light and sugary and swings through trees","a meringue-utan" +"Why is justice best served cold","If it was served warm, it would be justwater" +"My third son was born yesterday morning, 3 weeks early","The nurse, my wife, and my mom discussing how he came so early I interject with I guess you could say he has a problem with, premature evacuation To my surprise they all actually laughed hard" +"The word cyclops should be spelt ciclops","Just so that it has one I ." +"I can cut a piece of wood in half by only looking at it","It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes" +"Is that a califorina roll in your pocket","Or are you just happy sashimi" +"How do you stop an angry mob of clowns","Go for the juggler" +"my wife asked me why i type everything in lower case","i said i stopped giving a shift" +"I hate French pancakes","They give me the crepes" +"Why did the mexican take his wife to the cliff top","Tequila" +"Did you hear about the experoment where they taught insects to use microsoft office","The whole thing was Excel Ant" +"Clothing sizes My dad was shopping for t-shirts with my sister, he said, Can you tell me what the dead are saying. . No","Sorry, I was trying to find out if you were a medium" +"Wife and I are driving to breakfast Me: * So, do you want to go to Blackbear, or the truck stop diner. * Wife: * Blackbear * M: * Okay, and afterwards, I want to stop by the Arco (gas station) and use the vacuum to clean the inside of the car * W:* No, I hate going to that Arco, the vacuum there sucks * M: * Isn't that what they're supposed to do","* W: *Rage intensifies*" +"What do you call a chemistry executive who loves coffee","A chem ex" +"My comedian friend just got a dog,","I think he said its a chihuahaha" +"What would you have after lifting weights for 200 years","A biceptennial" +"Dogs can't operate an. MRI","But cats can" +"I got a parking ticket for being parked illegally the other day and I’ve no idea why. I mean","The sign *clearly* said, “Fine for parking”" +"My optometrist had my pupils dilated today","It was an eye-opening experience." +"What has a tongue and sneezes a lot","A shoe \- An original from my 7 year old son (works better if you say it)" +"When two people conceive a ginger child","The child could technically be considered ginger -bred" +"I feel bad for toilets","They go through a lot of shit" +"I just started buying stock from the market I have beef, chicken, and vegetable","One day I hope to be bouillonaire" +"I think my girlfriend is pregnant I'm taking an Income Tax class right now. I got home today and my SO asked me how class was","I mustered up the strength of all of my male ancestors and hit her with: it was taxing" +"I don’t trust those trees","They seem kinda shady" +"Scientists have discovered a new species of potato that has attained consciousness and become self aware","They are calling them meta-taters" +"What did the German baker say when he met his friend","Gluten tag" +"You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving","You need one to go skydiving twice" +"Why is Cinderella bad at football","Because she’s always running away from the ball" +"Heard this one on a campout. My little brother is in Boy Scouts, and I decided to go with my dad to a campout. One of the dads was wearing torn pants, and. Me: Wow, your pants have holes everywhere. Other Dad: They're my church pants. My Dad: Because they're holy","I'm convinced they planned it" +"My surly, drunk friend accidentally ate a bunch of confetti","Later, he turned out to be a party pooper" +"Chinese takeout - $30. Gas to pick it up - $12. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers -","Riceless" +"Why did the bike fall over","It was two tired" +"What do you call a confused panda","Bamboozled" +"Every time an angel gets its. Wings,. Paul","McCartney gets a royalty check" +"why did the old man fall in the well","because he couldn't see that well" +"While I was convincing my mom that me saying Bastard was not swearing. Me (to mom): Bastard is not a swear word, it's a legitimate thing","Dad: Or an Illegitimate thing" +"Learning to Drive So my brother is learning to drive a manual (stick-shift. ) Car, and my patents were helping him along with the basics. **Dad:** *To Brother* So first, you have to depress the clutch. **Brother:** OK","**Dad:** *Turns toward pedals* You'll never amount to anything" +"Passed Down from Grandpa I never actually heard my grandpa say this, but my dad and uncles all claim that he said it. My grandpa was at some gathering where there where some people he had never met. When he got back home, grandma asked him how it was. He stated that it was good. She asked how someone's girl was, and if she was good looking. Grandpa replied I don't know. She left her coat on","To this day we still use this saying" +"I've always been scared of elevators","I think it's time I took steps to avoid them" +"Why are seals such good detectives","Because their cases are always airtight" +"Walgreens cashier got me today. I was picking up a jug of lemonade at Walgreens (being that it was the closest store) and gave the cashier a $5 bill. Some strange force came out of me, and I felt comfortable with the man, and said Here's a Lincoln. He replies, I'd personally prefer a Cadillac, but I'll take a Lincoln","Everyone behind me in line groaned while the cashier and I laughed hysterically" +"Banks could have kept your money in big bags, but no","They played it safe" +"Me and my dad Me: Dad, make me a sandwich","Dad: Poof, you're a sandwich" +"There is a girl in my class called. Gravity","She really let me down" +"Why can't T-rexes clap their hands","Because they're dead" +"What do you call a funny tennis player","Jokeovic" +"What did the bee say when he got back to the hive","Hi honey, I'm comb" +"My dad got me good when coming to see his first granchild Last week I left the delivery room to go meet my dad so that he could meet his first grandchild for the first time. Emotions were high and smiles all around. and he was carrying a Costco tub of mixed nuts he had been snacking on. All visitors must wash their hands before entering the room and as I was opening the door he got me with Can you handle my nuts. I could hear his proud giggling as I walked away shaking my head","he has bestowed on me a great responsibility" +"What do you say when you catch a bee","Behold" +"I have an eye doctor's appointment today My new step dad texts me this morning: **Stepdad:** So did ya study for your eye exam","Me: LOL nope **Stepdad:** Well I'll text you the answers so you don't fail" +"While waiting for Star Wars to start. My dad says, I wonder if there is a Princess Standa. We ask why","And he says well there's a Princess Leia" +"What did the cashier say when Ryan Gosling went shopping. Nothing","She just checked him out" +"What do you call a dyslexic dad joke. A bad joke","(I'll show myself out" +"Did you hear about the man who was beaten with stringed instruments","It was a brutal act of violins" +"My daughter asked me what inexplicable means","I said, It's hard to explain" +"What do you call a procrastinating accountant","A calcu-later" +"Got my brother while in the car today Dad: So the exit we need to take is 404 Me: What if it isn't there","Brother groans, dad smiles and nods approvingly" +"Did you hear about that mine that caved in","Everyone made it out, it was just a miner inconvenience" +"What do you call Spock after he goes to the bathroom","Sock, because he got all the Pee out of him" +"Did you hear about the. Mexican train robber","He had loco motives" +"What do you say to a one-legged hitch hiker","Hop in" +"I asked my dad why he never rides his bike without training wheels,","He said it was to tiring" +"Whenever I need to lose weight, I go to a paint store","You can always get thinner there" +"Friend:. Ur mom gay. Me:","Which one" +"What's the hardest part about being addicted to banking","The withdrawals" +"Friends mom reading about the meteor shower. Mom: can be best seen from the northeast. Hmm where are we","Dad: We're in the living room" +"My missus asked Siri. Surely it's not going to rain today. Siri said Yes it will rain, and don't call me Shirley","I think she forgot to take her phone off Airplane mode" +"A man meets a woman at a bar and invites her back to his place. She says I'm on my menstrual cycle . He replies Perfect","You can follow me on my mountain bike" +"Kids, I don't know if our ceiling is the best ceiling","but it's definitely up there" +"How does a killer whale end its mating session","With an Orcasm" +"All my students just groaned while I laughed hysterically to myself Student: Mr. Carmichael, I have a hole in my pants. Me: Of course you do","How else would you get your legs through" +"dad joking grandpa, once a dad always a dad. I pulled my car over on my way home today because it started smoking (I cracked a head gasket) so I called my grandpa because he is the mechanic of my family and he only lives a mile from where I pulled over. I told him that my car was smoking and I needed his help to find out what was wrong with it","It's probably peer pressure, make it smoke the rest of the pack and see how it likes it then" +"I tried to sound like a gangster talking to my mom She said You have been making a lot of jokes recently. Me: True that homie-g. Her: Did you just call me homie-g","Me: Homie-a through homie-f were taken" +"What did the drummer name his twin daughters","Anna 1, Anna 2" +"Why did the scarecrow win an award","Because he was outstanding in his field" +"How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend","Everyone, meat Patty" +"I bet the creator of the shovel was paid in spades for his invention","The shovel was truly groundbreaking" +"My dad's favorite joke Growing up in the country, there were [silos](http://hansonsilo. com/images/farm-silo. jpg) everywhere. Every single time we would drive past one, without fail, my dad would say, You know, a guy got stuck in one of those one time and went crazy. Yep, poor guy couldn't find a corner to go to the bathroom in","No matter how many times we groaned at that joke, dad never missed a chance to tell it" +"The dad who runs in front of the car gets tired","But the one that runs behind the car gets exhausted" +"Got my sister with this earlier. Me: I went to see the doctor this morning. Her: Which doctor","Me: No it was just a normal GP" +"I recently put my cat on a vegan diet. she eats around two or three people a day","Im going to have to look for a new Trader Joe's in my area" +"There's this guy who's been staying in one spot at the park for days without sitting or laying. People are calling him super amazing. I personally just think","he's out standing" +"My wife asked me to help her open a jar. I told her to download","Java" +"Dadjoked by technology. Asked Amazon's Echo speaker (I guess her name is Alexa) to tell me a bad joke","Alexa: there's music coming from the printer, the paper must be jamming" +"My subtle yet effective dadjoke","*Hi* *Low* Out of all the random passersby, nobody's caught me yet" +"Rude dad-joke. Wife frowned but laughed. Discussing The Hunger Games, our teenage daughter asked, Wasn't Katniss named after a root. My ribald reply: All babies get named after a root","" +"Windows gets into dadjokes :) https://i. redd. it/y59zle2q211z","jpg" +"What do they call an unfair advantage that the undead have","Wight privilege" +"Grandpa jokes are different than Dad jokes, but I think we're all familiar. I was walking into the Dunkin Donuts this morning for some coffee and passed an older man as he was leaving. Sorry, they're all out of donuts. he told me","But like, they weren't out of donuts" +"What type of underwear does a yard wear","Lawngerie" +"Dad, always wearing the proper attire. [Link](http://i. imgur. com/NmkEJtt. gif) This is not my content, which is sorta kinda against this r/'s policy, but I couldn't find it on here and thought it fit perfectly","If mods have a real beef with me posting it, I'll happily take it down" +"My parents said to me that the world didn't revolve around me","But I'm their sun" +"My dad told me he cut himself. Oh my God how bad. I asked He said [berry bad](http://imgur. com/uA71uNW)","and laughed his ass off" +"Why is the refrigerator emotionally more stable","Because he is always chilling out" +"I wanted to write a joke about restraining orders","This is as close as I could get though" +"My friend passed away at the hospital today when we couldn't remember his blood type","He kept saying be positive before he died but it's hard without him" +"I'm thinking of writing a weight loss book","Mostly because it would apply to a wide audience." +"I've invented a car that runs on herbs","It's called thyme-travel" +"What’s the most crunk place to go to the bathroom","The Lil Jon" +"What is a ducks favourite topping","Quackomole" +"My friend was showing me pictures of corn. I asked him why it was only the green parts","He said only had access to the stalk photos" +"I went to a Karaoke Bar last night that didn’t play any 70s music","At first I was afraid, I was petrified" +"How warm is a baby just before their birth","Womb temperature" +"What did the sand say to the ocean","Water you doing" +"I've genuinely lost my voice","Said no one, ever" +"Dad Joked at work today. So i work with my father at his automotive shop. Whenever we get busy, i just mess around with him saying I want a raise , I'm tired , I wanna go home , ect. Just to joke around with him. So today, while we were doing a brake job, I told him again I want a raise , and he responded with Do you want a playboy or a hustler","He then started punching the air in a quick 1,2,3 motion with a massive smile on his face" +"I’m so filled with dad jokes","even my poop is corny" +"A Chinese New Year Salutation: dadjoke edition","In honour of the year of the horse: Kung 'neigh' fat choi" +"What did the big chimney say to the little chimney","You're too young to smoke" +"TIL that my father named me Luke just so. he could say, Luke, I am your father","and laugh about it" +"Why did the hipster burn is mouth","Because he sipped his coffee before it was cool" +"Do you know any joke about sodium","Na" +"My wife is on a tropical food diet and now the house is full of this stuff","That's enough to make a mango crazy" +"My vegetarian Chinese friend named his son after the President Barack O","Lee" +"Out to dinner with my son and husband My husband is perusing the menu and points out that they have Battered Shrimp on the menu. He turns to me and says, I wonder if the shrimp pressed charges","My son and I exchanged glances and facepalmed in unison" +"I was feeling lonely so I bought shares of GameStop stock","I just wanted some company" +"After you die, what’s the last part of your body that stops working. Your Pupils","They dilate" +"Do you remember that movie on concussions","It really impacted my mind Said by my mother, but my father caught the pun" +"Random stranger cold blooded floored me My girlfriend and I were walking with her carrying a backpack and I was holding a bag of ice on each shoulder. Random woman walks by and just looks at both of us and goes she's really giving you the cold shoulder I was just floored","I never saw her before and I've never seen her again but I really hope things are working out for her" +"While at Starbucks, I said I didn't want the sippy cup lip","They gave me my drink and said this is the last straw" +"My girlfriend dropped this one on me I've been having some diarrhoea troubles lately, and after another long toilet visit I was delighted to tell her it was starting to get more substance, and becoming less fluid. She simply replied: I'm glad you're getting your shit together. Yes, she's still chuckling about it. EDIT: Whoa, this blew up more than I expected","Thank you all :D I'll be sure to let her read the replies" +"If you're French in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom","European" +"A man asked his wife What would you do if I won the Lottery. She replied I'd take half and leave you. Great. , I won $12, here's $6","Stay in touch" +"What did the Buffalo say to his son when he left for college","Bison" +"Help,. I lost my phone's charging cable","I'm powerless without it" +"After the paternity test my wife said to me that I was a mistake she married","I guess that makes me a faux pa" +"My wife is finally going to watch. Back to the. Future","I told her it's about time." +"What do you get when you cross a bird and a lawnmower","Shredded tweet" +"My 7 yo son asked about my tattoo this morning. Son: Dad, what are flying pigs actually called. Me: I think they're just called flying pigs. Son: No, it's a Pigasus. Needless to say, I was very proud","Even my wife laughed" +"What dog can open any door","Siberian has key" +"The window cleaner at work got me. I was at work yesterday and there was a man cleaning the windows. He commented that all the customers had disappeared so I told him that it would be busy again in about an hour","He looks at me and says 'I guess this is my window of opportunity then' and winks" +"What do you call a wet PJ mask","A moist owlette" +"I have a friend called Sam. I asked Sam to sing a song about iPhones","Then Samsung" +"I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night","That would dampen spirits" +"I just finished binge-watching an entire series on NetFlix or whatever it is","It was a documentary on doing things in moderation" +"I tried to catch some fog but","I mist." +"Our waitress lastnight had an interesting accent. Eventually my Dad said I think she's Russian. Without missing a beat I replied huh, she doesn't seem to be that busy","Cue loud groans and moans from the rest of the table" +"*Knock knock*","Come in." +"Dad, do you have any rough sandpaper. My son asked","Of coarse I do, I replied" +"Girlfriend got me good tonight at the movies Went to see Ant Man and she kept squirming in her seat, so I ask her What's wrong. You okay. Her response: Yeah, I'm just feeling a bit antsy","Sigh" +"Want to know why Juice could never make the B honor roll","He always made High C's" +"My sister fed me the perfect line for a Dad joke. My dad laughed so hard at this I thought I'd share it. It really was birthed in the moment, and probably not as funny if you weren't there, but here it goes: So my sister had messed up some muscle or something in her hip, and so when she asked our dad to help her stretch her leg she phrased it, Hey dad, can you pull my leg. Without missing a beat I ask, Are you wanting Dad's best dad joke. Huh","Well, you asked him to pull your leg" +"Why do people like movies about Submarines","Because they have depth" +"What do you call an adventurer with a fashionable hat. http://imgur","com/Iix1wVH" +"What do you call a Russian cat that has been to space","A cos-meow-naut" +"My doctor slipped in a good one. Doc: Your weight problem is because of your seafood diet","Me: (puzzled) Doc: When you see food , you eat" +"What sound does a nut make when it sneezes","cashew" +"When I die I‘m expecting lots of crying, lots of wailing, genuine sadness","Bereave you me" +"What's Mr T's favourite month","It's April, fools" +"My friend is addicted to brake fluid","He says he can stop whenever he wants" +"My boy is ready to become a dad We were learning some hard facts for his history school exam on Monday, when he dropped this one me: Napoleon was the Emperor of the French, King of Italy and Protector of the Rhine Confederation in the early 19th century before he died in 1821","You could say he turned into Napoleoff" +"Got my coworkers last night I work at a restaurant. The hostess who was leaving was telling me who her to-go orders belonged to before she left. Her: (points at order) This is Rose. Me: (waves at bag) Hi, Rose","She hit me, another coworker called me an ass, I laughed too hard at my own joke" +"8 year old son: You know, dad, I think I have your sense of humor. Me: Really. Him: Yes","Would you like it back" +"I couldn't remember where. I'd put my boomerang","Then it came back to me" +"What do you call a piece of wood with nothing to do","Board" +"I met someone online who said they were a huge dog person . After looking at some of their pictures","I responded that they didn't look like a huge dog person, but a normal sized human person." +"I was surprised that the only gift I got for my birthday was a bucket of Play-Doh","I don’t know what to make of it" +"What did the scientist say after getting hit by a sound wave","Ouch, that Hertz" +"Happened years ago when I was a little kid trick or treating. Went up to the guy on the porch and said trick or treat. The guy (probably a college age young man) stood up, did a kick flip on his skateboard and sat back down. That's what I get for giving him the choice","We did end up getting a piece of candy but he was damn proud of himself" +"Canadians do so well in school","They're all straight-eh students" +"While showing me his tool collection. Backstory: So we're in the shed and Dad's showing me all his tools, when he suddenly stops and has a disgusted look on his face. Dad: Does, does it smell like a hammerdo in here. Me: Ummm whats a hammerdo. Dad: Well son, (picks up his hammer) a hammer is used to hit nails on the head","And of course he laughs like an idiot for the next five minutes" +"Dad joked in the car. Sitting in the car when my dad says: Remind me I need a duck-do Me: What's a duck-do","He then looked me in the eye and screamed: QUACK" +"So my daughter keeps turning up the thermostat. My 13 year old daughter is always turning up the thermostat. I caught her doing it again tonight and told her to go stand in the corner. When she asked why, I told her it should be warmer there as most of the corners in our house were around 90 degrees. Her, my wife, and my other daughter all rolled their eyes at me at the same time and walked away in different directions shaking their heads. I then smiled and switched the TV to something I wanted to watch for a change",":)" +"What cheese is made backwards","Edam" +"Where is the rarest rock on earth. Dad: never mined. Me: what","Dad: I said never mined" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When the punchline’s a motherf*cker" +"Yesterday a clown held the door open for me","I thought it was a nice jester" +"Why do dads tell dad jokes","Because they're groan ups" +"Got my girlfriend and her family Sitting down to a nice family dinner, her mom asked me how everything was. I said everything was great but the croutons were a little stale. Everyone stared at me for a few seconds, then the groans ensued. My girlfriend burst out laughing almost immediately after I said it","I guess she's a keeper" +"Why is a room full of married people empty. Because there is not a single person","As told by my nine-year-old Keegan T" +"How does a tree sign into Facebook","It logs in" +"What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop Dr","Dre" +"Oh seems like. I've got a flat tire, don't worry","I've got a spare in the back *Opens up to reveal two bowling pins*" +"You should always try and solve your problems while standing","Cause it helps you think on your feet" +"I used to hate glasses","But now that Ive tried it, I have a change in perspective" +"It doesn't matter if you're beautiful or ugly because","At the end of the day it's evening" +"So Mickey Mouse went to file for divorce from Minnie. The judge said, I can't approve the divorce just because you think your wife is crazy. Mickey says, I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking goofy","Edit: autocowrecks" +"Uncle got us He was at my house and my cousin showed up with her new Jeep Compass - this detail is important. So she shows up with it, and a few minutes later after showing it off, he goes When you're in it, you can't get lost","He's not a father either" +"Got my wife with this one She asks our daughter, Honey, would you like a wafer. Me: Would she like to wafer what","Wife (eye-roll, to daughter): Daddy better slow down, he might hurt himself this early" +"The other day my wife was watching two deer fighting in the backyard","Huh, pretty good entertainment value for a couple bucks" +"Did you hear about the steamroller driver after he was complimented doing a good job","He was flattered" +"While in the car last night. This asshole doesn't have his lights on","Well, that's not bright" +"A joke about angles Dad: Are you cold son","Son: Yeah Dad: Well stand in the corner its 90 degrees" +"Did you hear about the guy who really loved car races","He thought they were wheely cool" +"So he was looking for his phone. Dad: I need to find my phone. Have you seen it. Me: No. Why don't you call it. Dad: Okay. Phone. Phone where are you. It didn't answer. Me: Ugh. Now he's just walking around going, Phone","Phone" +"What time did the man go to the dentist","Tooth hurt-y" +"Just got dadjoked by a program. You know those artificial pen pals. [Well I got dadjoked by one. ](http://imgur. com/3ktTpkJ) Transcription: Program: A very nice friend. Me: I too feel like we have a connection","Program: An internet connection" +"Once saw a man play Dancing Queen on a didgeridoo","I thought, thats Aboriginal" +"Dad to mum, right in front of me in the kitchen. Context: My dad is not exactly what you would call skinny. Dad: Do you want a hand moving them (the massive pot of potatoes that had been on the boil) Mum: I should be okay Dad: Are you sure. They're hot and heavy. Just like me. Dad proceeded to make this face: http://i. imgur. com/UT69wID","gif" +"A skeleton walks into a bar. and asks for a beer and a mop. *I am a bartender, and was told this dad joke while working last night","After it sunk in, I bought the patron a beer" +"Wanna hear a joke about anti matter","Wait never mind it doesn’t matter" +"Did you hear about the Frenchman that fell off his roof, but landed in a pile of baguettes","He survived, but he's in a lot of pain" +"My farts don't stink, they smell like roses Last night, my son said my farts actually do stink. He said his, however, smell like tulips. I said, Yeah, the two lips that go frrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrpt","He told me my jokes also stink" +"I regret trying to patent a giant boomerang with teeth","It came back to bite me in a big way" +"Dad jokes at the doctor. Doctor, Hello, thanks for being patient . Me, Hello, thanks for being doctor","We both chuckled" +"Told to me by my boyfriend's dad today Him: Did you know Moses was the first computer techie. Me: oh really","Him: yeah, he had 2 tablets" +"Admittedly, being in this sub makes me pretty uncomfortable. Maybe I’m just out of my depth. https://imgur","com/gallery/yr8skve" +"Why did the house go to the doctor","It was having window panes" +"What do you call the one who hates Jeff Bezos but shops heavily on Amazon","Everyone" +"What kind of tea is hard to swallow","Reality" +"What kind of music do doctors enjoy listening to","Organ Music" +"My almost 2 year old just got me Today is my father's birthday so naturally we wanted his grandson, my son to tell him happy birthday on the phone. For some reason he was being super quiet. I kept saying Say happy birthday to Papa, say happy birthday Nope, nothin, nada. I say again Say happy birthday *silence*","say anything My son Anything He's going to be a great Dad" +"Someone was making fun of me. So I threw them in an oven with a grenade. Boom","roasted" +"What do the minions eat when they cant find any food","filet minion" +"Leather. Clothes are great for sneaking","It is made out of hide" +"How do tiny bakers spice it up in the bedroom","Roll playing" +"What did the sandwich say to the doorman","Lettuce in" +"Asked my dad for his best dad joke so I could post here","He answered with “You" +"The Deadliest Catch Dad was watching a show about fishing called The Deadliest Catch. His ladyfriend walks in and asks about the show; he replies, At first I thought it was a show about AIDS","Turns out it's just crabs" +"I went to the pub the other day, peanuts said, you're good looking","I went to the cigarette machine after it said Jesus you're ugly I asked the barman what was going on He said the nuts are complementary and the cigarette machine is out of order" +"A plumber couldn't get two pipes to fit together","So he checked the plumbing thread" +"Hey dad did you get a haircut","No I got a lot of them cut" +"[NSFW] (Sort of) Why do women say always say they want a nice guy","Because nice guys finish last ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)" +"I got hit in the head by a soda can the other day","Luckily, it was a soft drink" +"How did Metallica get such a heavy metal sound","It was their lead guitar" +"My mom got us all last night My family ate out in celebration of my sister graduating. On the way out, my mom grabbed a mint and tried to open it, but the package ripped and it went flying","She looked at the ground, sighed, and said, well, I guess it wasn't mint to be" +"I just bought a lifetime supply of pickles for $500 Sweet","What a dill" +"An 18-wheeler filled with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway today","Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours" +"What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi","People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo" +"A tie race at a wedding I was a young teenager, hanging out with my cousins at a family wedding. We were dressed in our finest: button-down shirts and ties (a rare thing for some of us). It was the middle of the photo shoot, so we had to wait around for our turn. My uncle sees us, bored out of our minds, and asks if we wanted to have a tie race. Seeing our puzzled expressions, he demonstrated by rolling up his tie from the bottom to the top like a cinnamon roll. We got the idea immediately, rolling up our ties as well. Everyone had their own strategy: some rolled theirs tighter, others looser. Some rolled up the tail, others didn't. Some had clip-ons. On the count of three, we released our ties to see whose unrolled the fastest","We all looked around, trying to decide who actually won the race, when my uncle declared: *It's a tie" +"My kid damaged my iphone so. I am giving it away","He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blonde hair..." +"My shy girlfriend had a few too many drinks and blurted out this pun at a formal meal with my family. I was describing a man: Me: He always wears full tracksuits and a snapback Mum: No I don't know him Me: You do. He looks like a fish too My girlfriend: Sounds like a catch","It took me far too long to get the joke, and then far too long to stop laughing" +"Dad was talking to me about dating This was an actual conversation between us. He was telling me about random dating stuff. Someday you'll learn I'm a professional dater. *long pause* **Dad don't do it** I'm a very skilled dater. **God dammit stop** Some could say I'm a","**no** Masterdater" +"Everyone raves about diversity","But white people are all the colors combined" +"My wife didn’t believe my car was made of spaghetti. Until","I drove pasta" +"What do you call a cob that’s all alone","A Uni-Corn" +"What kind of snake sits on top of a present","A Boa (This is my first post in here and first originally joke I came up with when high go easy on me)" +"What do you call in when Batman skips church","Christian Bale" +"I think tech YouTubers should be reviewing new shovels when new ones come out","The technology in those things are ground breaking" +"Why didn't any of the animals believe the hunter when he said he was the king of the jungle","Because he was a lion" +"When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper","Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans" +"I’m really pissed that my friend stole my antique atlas","It really means the world to me" +"Two law students walked into a bar","The third one passed it" +"A man and his fence. One day a man looks out his window and finds one of his fence posts dug up and laying on the ground. So he goes outside and fixes it. For the next couple of days this continues on but with a new fence posts. Yesterday was the last straw, so the men sat on his balcony all night to see who the culprit was. Sure enough at 2am a couple of teenagers show up and get ready to dig up another fence post. Man: you goddamn teenagers","Stop digging up old posts and reposting them" +"My wife and kids say I'm lazy because all I do is sit in my lounge chair all day","I'm half inclined to agree with them" +"Why did the duck die","It overdosed on quack" +"When I was little I saw this kid in my neighborhood dragging around a loaf of bread on a leash. To be funny, I said “Hey, you have a beautiful dog","”, he responded, “Thanks, it’s pure bread" +"I failed to dadjoke. Had a dad joke failure while talking to my son this morning: Son: Alex isn't helping at the club anymore Me: Who is. Son: Newman Me: I know it's a new man, but what's his name (chuckle) Son: I don't know his name yet, it's a new man Me: Oh","(sigh)" +"What did the 80 year old pirate say. Aye. Matey (from my math teacher, who grows a pirate beard and plays. Pirates of the","Caribbean sound track during class)" +"Did you hear about the guard who spilled coffee all over his shirt","He was thankful it wasn't on his watch" +"You know, with everything that’s happening so far in 2020","You’d think someone would have seen it coming" +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon","Great food, no atmosphere" +"My son was addicted to minions","But he Gru out of it" +"Never buy flowers from a monk. Only. YOU can prevent. Florist","Friars." +"What did the pigeon say to the statue","Do you have any Gray PoopOn" +"What did the dad say to his kid that peed his pants","Urine trouble" +"Two men were having a contest. The Englishman and Cowboy were tied in a contest of who was better, when the crowd decided that, as a tie breaker, they were to perform a live poem and incorporate the words Hunting and Timbuktu. The Englishman went first: The hunting is always grand, When in search of good land. Off in the caravan we pursue, Looking, for Timbuktu. The crowd went wild, knowing that the cowboy couldn't win the contest, the Englishmans poem was just too good. He smiled as well, and stood aside for the cowboy. The cowboy paused for a moment as if remembering something, then recited: Well it was Tim and I, off huntin we went, When I spied three women in a tent","I motioned to Tim, and he saw them too, Then I bucked one, and Timbuktu" +"Coworker: You shouldn't browse Reddit while at work. Coworker: You shouldn't browse Reddit while at work. Me: Do you know who my grandpa is. He is a billionaire. Coworker: So what","Me: He was a miner, then he mined his own business" +"What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend","Homeless" +"I caught my daughter taking pictures of her feet. I asked her why","“I needed better camera footage" +"So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. What. she asked me. My response","I'm measuring your patience" +"Why don't cannibals like eating clowns","They taste funny" +"A family that sticks together","should work on their personal hygiene" +"My dad: don't go near those trees. Me: why","My dad: they're shady" +"Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors","Because if it had 4 doors, it'd be a chicken sedan" +"What do you call a group of invisible dinosaurs","Idontthinktheysarus" +"Me: I'm going to. Mount. Rushmore . Dad: Who is","Rushmore?" +"Balding. Dad getting a haircut say's to me","Hair goes nothin'!" +"What do you call a lizard that doesn't do its own work","A dele-gator" +"Are you a lazy astronaught","Coz you're Saturn Uranus" +"A criminal is wanted for stealing wheels off police cars","Police are working tirelessly to catch him" +"What do you call a dog who eats paper towels","Dog, the Bounty^^^TM Hunter" +"Give a man a duck, you'll feed him for a day","Teach a man to duck, he'll never hit his head again" +"Hi guys, this is my first post. http://i. imgur. com/A5XahdJ","jpg" +"Finally got to tell a dad joke on my kindergarten grade daughter I've been waiting 5 years to pull off. How was school. We had gym","Gym who" +"Not a dad, but I got my little sister. My sister found a jar of molasses in the kitchen cabinet and asked what it was. The first thing I thought of to respond was the last part of the mole to go down the hole","My mom just looked at me and shook her head in shame as I cracked up" +"I just found out that Aaargghhh is not a real word","I can’t tell you how angry I am at this" +"My father, on New Horizon's flyby of Pluto The first close up images of Pluto are in. http://i. imgur. com/1BkwLcu","png" +"If. I was king,. I'd name my son after. MJ. Then he'd be. Heir","Jordan" +"Dad joked a coworker The guy that sits next to me at work was cleaning out his drawer. He knows that I like tea, and found some in the drawer. Coworker Hey, Here's some cranberry apple tea you can have. (I didn't even think, The dad joke just happened) Me Cranberry Apple huh. That's not really my. Cup of","Tea Him Groan, nice pun" +"Was descending on an escalator with my friend at the shopping mall. We're on level B3. What's after that. B4. No, after. B","I hate you" +"Why did the crowd throw ice at his majesty","Someone shouted “All hail the king”" +"I’m so good at sleeping. That","I can do it with my eyes closed" +"Dad, wait a bit, I have to hang the laundry","What did the laundry do to you" +"Two Fish are in a Tank","One says to the other Do you know how to drive this thing" +"If communism is so good, then why are communist revolutions always so suspicious. I mean, they always raise at least a few red flags","(x-post from shittydebatecommunism)" +"Well done, manager. Well done. A colleague of mine was on amazon when the manager passed by M: *smiling* Is that how you do work here. C: Ah, just checking where my package is M: So. are you ordering a microscope","" +"What do you do when you see a space man","You park, man" +"Today I found a loophole while wearing my mask","It goes around the ear" +"What do you call a dog with no legs","Doesnt matter what you call him he isnt coming" +"Daughter got me again Another situational joke from one of my daughters Daughter2: wait, what’s a toast","Me: *explaining what a toast is* Me: everyone raise your glasses Daughter1: *promptly takes her glasses off her face and raises them in the air* She got me" +"waves of laughter ensued Sooooo. my oldest daughter curled her sister's hair this weekend. on the way home I started waving at her until she looked at me and asked me what I was doing. I told her that her hair was all wavy so I was waving back. She had the usual split second involuntary smile at the the corners of her mouth before she gave me a you-son-of-a-@#$%. -look ( http://imgur. com/D0UHimq ). because my kids refuse to acknowledge how funny I am. I laughed. and laughed","and I'm still laughing about it today" +"Osama bin laden took a ancestry test and found out he was 78% middle eastern 8% chololate and 14% coconut","It was due to the bounty on his head" +"Why do flamingos stand on one leg","because if they lift the other, they'll fall down" +"This sub needs flairs","You know, in case we get lost at sea" +"What is Thanos's favorite social media","Snapchat" +"If. I had a. Delorean","I’d probably only drive it from time to time..." +"What do you call an overweight drug dealer","Pot-Bellied" +"Why is Peter Pan always flying","He Never Lands" +"I hate the key of E minor","It gives me the E-B-G-Bs" +"My 16 Year old texted me wondering where I am. Muwahahaha. http://imgur","com/eJxt7Fb" +"Did you hear about the Italian chef that died","He pasta-way" +"Zoodles, Beefaroni, Alphagetti. What's for supper. I'd sometimes ask my dad when I was growing up. A big grin would stretch across his face. My famous Italian dish, he'd say, still smiling, Make-your-own-y. He must have used that joke 100 times","He laughed every time" +"A local barber in my area was arrested for selling drugs","It blew my mind—I've been his customer for years and I had no idea he was a barber" +"How do you make 5 pounds of fat look sexy","Put a nipple on it" +"What do you call a cow with no legs","Ground beef" +"What do you call a dictionary on drugs","High definition" +"Tomorrow if you get a call from Freedom, don't pick up","Just let it ring" +"What mouse stands on two feet. Mickey Mouse What duck stands on two feet","All of them I'm sorry" +"Why did the man sleep under the tanker truck. Because he wanted to wake up *oily in the moining*","Thanks, Dad" +"Why do Christmas Trees prefer the past","Because present is beneath them" +"I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seatbelt","And then it clicked." +"Why do you keep telling me to do chores when I'm watching Star Wars","*Look*, I am your father" +"My grandfather uses this one all the time Grandpa: Hey, have you met that guy. Me: What guy","Grandpa (while gently kicking me): MY SIDEKICK" +"Why do 9 ants get to live in an apartment for free","Because they're not tenants" +"I accidentally took my cats medication","Don't ask meow" +"I'm furious that all these replacement parts I bought for my water bottle only damaged it more","This was the last straw that broke the CamelBak" +"Why did the toilet paper cross the road","Because it was on a roll" +"So we bought my sister some bath lotions Cashier: Will this be all for you","Dad: No, this is a gift for my daughter" +"I'm going to have a quesadilla","Really, a whole case of them" +"I wanted to reuse my monk costume to play. Gandalf but","I found out old habits dye hard." +"My grandpa recently died and passed down his Fender Stratocaster to my son","He now plays heir guitar" +"Dadjoked My Mom This Morning I fell asleep on the couch, because my bed Isn't that comfortable. The next morning my mom walks into my room and notices that I am sleeping on my couch Mom: Why are you slepping on the couch. Me: Oh, you know. Training for marriage. Heard my step-dad laughing from the kitchen whilst my mom only gave me a confused look","Edit: WORDS" +"Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water. If it sinks = girl ant","If it floats = buoyant" +"My coworker just got me. She asked me why the chicken went to the hotel. To check in","She'll make a great dad" +"My friend: roof top yoga. I wonder what that's about","Me: they probably have very low overhead costs" +"Jokes about white sugar are rare, but jokes about brown sugar","Demarara" +"applying for a job at a golf course (x-post from r/golf) https://i. imgur. com/UivGmJ8. jpg ([original](https://www. reddit","com/r/golf/comments/3e7bwz/my_friend_just_found_my_dads_application_when_he/))" +"I bought a belt made of hundred dollar bills","It was a waist of money" +"Haven't seen Gareth in ages Got my friend (who I have repeatedly dad joked for the past five years) again at lunch today while discussing meeting up with another close friend of ours: > Friend: Cool. Haven't seen Gareth in ages > Me: I don't think he's ever been to ages though so maybe that's why you haven't seen him there :3 > Friend: seen him where. > is [this] a shit joke again. > Me: Perhaps > Friend: stop being Rumpelstiltskin [Picture](http://i. imgur. com/kNMsw58","png)" +"A classic growing up When's the best time to visit a dentist","- Tooth Hurty" +"Two fish are in a tank","The first fish turns to the other and says Do you even know how to drive this thing" +"Punny beats So as a bit of a preface, I have a boss named Steve who has the most incredible ability to let puns flow like water. I'm the only one who enjoys them so I felt like I would share them with you guys. We started talking about advertising for our store since things are slow this time of year. Me: Why don't we make a band and just play some awesome stuff to get people to come in. BMSteve: Who is going to play the drums and who is going to look good. Coworker: I can't play anything so find someone else to do the drums BMSteve: I would play the drums, but the last time the guys told me to beat it. Both coworkers left imediately after and 15 minutes early","I loved it" +"Why was the mushroom invited to every party","He was a fungi" +"I'm reading a book called The History of Lubricants","It's non-friction" +"My girlfriend was always yelling at me because I was getting my directions mixed up","So I packed my bags and right left away" +"I read an article about wheels","turns out it was saTire" +"Someone asked me what namaste meant the other day","I told them it's when you don't want to leave" +"What do you call a smell with a mind of its own","Scent-ient" +"I heard this girl talking about how much she hates stalkers","I nearly fell out of my tree" +"Got dadjoked by my 6 yr old daughter She is REALLY into sharks right now, and the other day she said Daddy, I sure am glad I'm a girl. I asked why. She said because sharks are man-eaters","Love that girl" +"Want to hear a joke about construction","Nah,I'm still working on it" +"Had an argument with my physiotherapist regarding my posture. But now","I stand corrected" +"What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls in the mud and crosses back again","A dirty double-crosser" +"A Little Tree Humor Walking with the wife this morning and saw someone quickly walking away from a front yard with his hood up and carrying a young palm tree. It was about 4 ft tall with its leaves and branches well over the guy's head. Palm trees can be expensive, so we thought this guy was stealing it. The wife said, huh, that's a little suspicious. I corrected her: yeah, that guy looked a little shady","Now I walk alone" +"My nephew tattled on my dad. I was showing Granddad my ocelot [toy], but he said it was so small, I should call it an ocelittle","That's right Dad, get 'em while they're young" +"I went to an owl party the other day","It was a real hoot" +"I’ve decided to stop giving blowjobs during marathons","I’m just not a fan of running gags" +"I just put my cell phone on airplane mode Biggest disappointment of my life","It didn't fly anywhere" +"My doctor just told me. I'm colorblind","Wow, that came out of the purple!" +"Tom grew sick of being a tool","He had Benadryl" +"Elephant We were visiting my cousin in the hospital because she was having a baby. My Dad pretended he was having a baby. Dad: (poking his belly out) I think it's time. Me: What are you having","Dad: I think it's an elephant, I saw a trunk hanging out" +"What is God's favorite cheese","Swiss, because it is so hol(e)y" +"What is every test at cosmetology school called","A makeup exam" +"Have you heard of the band 1023MB","They haven't got a gig yet" +"Got my SO while talking about the new Call of Duty. Him: Someone on Reddit dubbed it 'Call of Duty: Kevin Spacey Edition. ' Me: Why not just call it 'House of CODs'","The look he gave me was one of both shame and awe" +"Here's something that needs addressing","Blank envelopes 😀" +"Did you hear about the goldfish that came in third place in the Olympics","Turns out it was a bronzefish" +"My Dad jokes are like a Jamaican barbershop","Dreadful" +"What does a fish say when it bangs into a wall. Oh Dam","My sisters and I were shook by the amount of thought Papa put into this joke" +"Yesterday I asked a stray dog How's life in the streets","Ruff" +"What do you call a gay couple living in a newly bought house","Homo-wners" +"It’s pointless to get into an argument about the Adam and Eve creation story versus evolution","It is comparing apples to origins" +"My daughter doesn't wear polka dot dresses anymore","because every time she does, I poke all the dots saying, Nice poke-a-dot dress, hun" +"How do you think the unthinkable","With an itheberg" +"What music genre do wind turbines like to listen to","They’re huge metal fans" +"Why did the iPad go to the dentist","Because it had a blue tooth" +"How often do planes crash","Just once" +"There was an old hermit who lived in a cave and walked a lot, but didn't have shoes. He also didn't have the greatest health and had really bad breath","They called him the: Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Plagued with Halitosis" +"I've got a bone to pick with you. I'm making ribs tonight","Said by my dad to me every time he made ribs for 18 years of my life" +"Dad joked the cashier Was paying for our cake at a Cafe and the cashier asked are you paying for everything","I gestured at everyone else in the Cafe and said they can pay for their own meals, I'll just pay for ours thanks" +"Why do shrimp never give anything to charity. [Because they're shellfish. ](https://youtu. be/SOLmAAqxX2A","t=398)" +"Told my dad I got a haircut","He said which one" +"My girlfriend and I were making breakfast Her: Hey babe does your house have toast. Me: Nope. *disappointment* Me: We've got bread, though, if you're interested in that","She officially hates me guys" +"Do you think back in the day when Gone With The Wind was huge","that fans had Scarlett fever" +"My friend. David had his id stolen,. Now we just call him","Dav." +"My friend and. I really bonded over our love of shoes","I think we're solemates" +"This cashier asked me dad,”paper or plastic","” He replied,”I don’t care, I’m bisacktual”" +"just got the girlfriend with this one Girlfriend: I think I left my wallet in your room Me: Wallet be okay in there","Girlfriend: *Groan*" +"I met some chess players in the hotel lobby. They were bragging about how good they are","It was Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer" +"A sergeant of the Australian army yells at a private. PRIVATE, DID YOU COME HERE TO DIE. The private responds: NO SIR","I came here yesterday" +"I got fired from a job at my bank. An old lady asked me to check her balance","So I pushed her over" +"Is everything in this sub okay. No has posted anything this year","(timezones :D)" +"Every morning at breakfast, I tell my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t","It’s my longest running joke of the year" +"My dad dropped this one on me in the car today. We were talking about European history and this happened. Me: You know how Austria and Hungary used to be combined but split. Him: Yeah, but I heard that they aren't called Hungary anymore. Me: What do you mean. Him: I guess they ate","I squinted at him, and then realized that he just produced perfect dadjoke material" +"Dadjoked the hot girl at work last night It was the company holiday party, so we all dressed up a little bit. Her: Wow, fua_neng. You really look nice tonight. Me: I look the same as I always do. My clothes just look nicer tonight","Her: [nods, walks away] Me: [stands there alone, stares down at beer]" +"Why can't you trust atoms","They make up everything" +"When people ask my dad how long he's been married he tells them 5 wonderful years","40 all together" +"Dadjoked girl at Music Festival. Yesterday a random girl was on my shoulders at a music festival. When she finally got down, I remarked Well that's a weight off my shoulders","Needless to say she walked away and i never saw her again" +"My Headphones My headphones are gone","Somebody must have JACKED them" +"What did the fish say when it swam into the wall","Dam" +"I know accountant that is always tired","I believe his job is very taxing." +"I accidentally ate a whole box of constipation pills","I shit you not" +"How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb","Just Juan" +"Elon. Musk is now selling. Teslas for just 5 cents. They're just a nickel a","Tesla." +"What is a pirate's favorite letter","No, it be the C" +"You know why the Avon lady walks funny","Because her lipstick" +"Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks","The bartender asks, Olive or twist" +"I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday","I wasn't putting in enough shifts." +"Why did they stop selling Steve Irwin brand sunscreen","It wasn't blocking the harmful rays" +"Whats the best name for a horse","Mayo because mayo neighs" +"Why do corrupt politicians learn to play the harp so easily","They're good at pulling strings" +"How do you call a dog that has no legs","You don't call it, you go get it" +"What do birds give out for Halloween","Tweets" +"Where do you learn to make ice cream","Sunday school" +"A joke from my oldest (he's 9) How does a French soccer player like his coffee","Au lait, au lait, au lait, au lait" +"I told my wife it was her turn to shovel the steps","All I got was icy stairs" +"What did the pirate say when he turned 80","Aye matey" +"Why did Lebron James choose not to go to college","He struggles with finals" +"Why don’t company advertise on The Hulk","After all he’s a big banner" +"I red a joke about colors once","It blue my mind" +"Someone told me they met their wife at a garden store they both worked at","I've heard love really blooms there" +"While driving home from vacation My dad was driving, I was in the passenger seat. It was a long drive, so I took a little nap. When I woke up: Dad: Did you have a good nap. Me: Yeah","Dad: Me too" +"How does the man on the moon cut his hair","Eclipse it" +"What does electricity say in an existential crisis. Wire we here","Just to suffer" +"How do you make a hormone","You don't pay her" +"Daughter: 'Ugh, have you just farted. ' Me: 'I certainly hope so","I'd hate to think I smelt like that normally'" +"Walking through a store with my dad. We went down an aisle that had some bins in it. He pointed to one and said Bin there","He then proceeded to continue pointing to other bins and saying Bin there too and laughing to himself" +"My ex- rapper friend decided to stop his gardening business because he was really careless with his tools","He has hoes in different area codes" +"Why was the little ink drop crying","Because his mommy was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be" +"Got my girlfriend good this morning We're laying in bed and my hand finds her boob. Her- Why are you always grabbing my boobs. Me- I'm just being supportive","She rolled her eyes so hard while I died of laughter" +"The Mariana trench has puzzled me for a while","I just can't get to the bottom of it" +"What is a thief’s house made out of. Steal","Courtesy of my daughter" +"Dadjoked by my dad at dinner My family was having dinner and discussing who has to clean up. My dad is usually excluded because he works all day and stuff, however my sister wanted him to clean. My brother tells her Dad doesn't count, to which he looks offended and responds, I do too. He then smirks proudly and says, one, two, three, four. Sorry if repost","I definitely feel like plenty of dads have used this joke before" +"Guys, there's a difference between a dad joke and a bad joke","The letter B" +"Dad got me again I hurt my knee very badly the other day, and I'm sitting on the couch when my father comes home and sees my injury. After I explained what happened, he nods and pats my head","Let me know if you need anything" +"I won a year’s supply of calendars","So, I won one calendar" +"What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter","An irrelephant" +"What did the Daddy Bee say to his Daughter Bee when she was being bad instead of building their house","You better start bee hiving" +"/u/procrastinator21's dad pulls joke on him, he only realizes it when explained on /r/nostupidquestions http://www. reddit","com/r/NoStupidQuestions/comments/2kxj73/what_is_carpool_tunnel_syndrome_how_do_i_avoid_it/" +"Why are goldfish so lousy at poker","They don't like flushes" +"Why does a chicken coop only have two doors","If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan" +"what did the psychologist say to the man who walked into his office in saran wrap","I can clearly see your nuts" +"For my final exam in piloting school, they had me fly a shipment of paint to its destination","I passed with flying colors" +"Politicians have a hard job when it comes to proofreading. If they don't go back and fix their mistakes, they're letting the Errorists win","But if they do fix mistakes, they're being Eracist" +"My wife always gets excited when she sees a nun. She says they are rare, like unicorns. So when she sees one its a big deal. Her: I saw a nun at Christmas Tree Shop me: I bet she shops there religiously. http://imgur","com/xUYaugC" +"He really forces them. Me: *Puts clothes in dryer* Dad: *Puts change that fell out of pockets on top of dryer* That's your money on the dryer Me: Thank you","Dad: Yeah, I don't want any laundered money" +"People of Alabama do not have ancestors","They have incest-ors" +"A carpenter walks into a bar with a rough piece of wood","He sits down and asks for something to take off the edge" +"My 7-year-old son, Reese, has a crush called Ella who's moving schools. He wants to know which school she's moving to","I wonder what Ella meant to Reese" +"Got a stranger at the gym Walked into the gym locker room yesterday and some guy was half-jokingly ranting about smelly dudes in the gym to the guys around him. I'm just doing my thing, getting dressed, putting on deodorant when the guy notices me. Guy: See, this guy gets it. Thank you for actually using deodorant","Me: No sweat" +"“Dear Diary, I think I have trouble distinguishing between inanimate objects and human beings. ” My therapist: Yes, I see that","Stop calling me Diary" +"Dad-joked by my pregnant wife. I was talking with a friend in a group Hangout, and my wife piped in with an excellent one. **Me**: Y'all are nuts **Friend**: I'm what, mate. **Me**: Illiterate, apparently. Pretty sure that was plain English","**Friend**: Y'all is debatable in regards to plain English **Wife**: Well, yaw is part of plane English" +"Our math teacher did this to us Student : Whats the test going to be on","Teacher : Paper Student : Ok , what is going to be in the test Teacher : Words , letters , numbers , a few shapes Goddamnit teacher" +"My friend's dad is amazing. So, I have this friend named Mikee. I was over at her house with a couple of other friends for a road trip, and her dad started going crazy looking for something. He calls out Hey, has anyone seen this heart-shaped box. So we all decided to look around for this heart-shaped box, and she eventually finds it. So she calls out to him Hey dad. I think I found the box. He comes in, and she gives him the box. Curious, I decided to ask him So, what's in it. Smiling, he turns to me, and pulls out what was in the box. My keys","He gives Mikee a hug, while everyone else is simultaneously awwing and groaning, while Mikee looks ready to die of embarrassment" +"How does the moon give the sun a hair cut","Eclipse it" +"Mens hockey change rooms never disappoint. So sometimes I help my dads hockey team out when they're short on players and always leave with new material. They were getting on one guy for thinking about getting married and how it's a horrible idea. Future dad: Ya i'm in the process of finding some rings that she may like Dad: Well you gotta buy three rings for her","Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering This of course leads to laughs and another topic of how blowjobs are obsolete as the marriage goes on and to hold onto the memories of seeing women naked other than your wife" +"I experienced a truly ground breaking event yesterday","It was an earthquake" +"A woman in a bikini reveals approx","96% of her body But I'm polite, I only look at the covered parts" +"She's a dancing queen Girlfriend just finished singing SOS by Abba in the kitchen. GF: I love Abba. Me: I think that's pretty Abbavious","GF: I hate you" +"If you could attend a concert by any musician in history, who would it be and why","Nero, his single is fire" +"If someone asks you to spell “part” backwards, don’t","It’s a trap" +"Did you hear the one about the elevator","I didn't want to bring it up because it will bring you down" +"What do they put in IPhone batteries","Apple juice" +"Dad joked the girlfriend Covered my eye pretending to be in agony. Gf: are you ok. Me: its. it's my left eye, it's not right Gf: (slightly panicked) what's the matter . Me: it's left",":D" +"What do you call a rapper that shuts doors with a lot of force","Slaminem" +"A blind man walks into a bar","And a table, and a chair" +"Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie","He was too far out, man" +"[ENDGAME. SPOILERS]. I am inevitable. Hi inevitable,","I am iron man **I am terribly sorry for this terrible joke**" +"Did you hear about that scientist who brought himself to absolute zero in a horrific lab accident. Don't worry","He was 0K" +"Weird how my calculator has stopped working","It just doesn't add up" +"The news just handed this to my dad We were at work listening to the radio and the news came on $50,000 worth of copper was stolen. My brother: $50,000 for copper","My dad: I wonder how much they charge for firemen I laughed pretty heartily" +"What color does a fart make if you're not careful","Shartreuse" +"Dadjoker at the park Was at the park when I saw an older couple walk by with a great dane. I went over to pet it and told the couple, You have a beautiful dog","The man replied, Hey now, don't call my wife a dog" +"My dad just told me that. Rick. Astley voted remain in the referendum. Because he's never gonna give","EU up" +"Why are Irish people so wealthy","Because their Capital is always Dublin" +"Why do chicken coops have two doors","Because if they had four, they’d be chicken sedans" +"I quit my job at the recycling facility because they were making me crush cans all day long","It was soda pressing" +"I called the tinnitus help line","It kept ringing" +"Swiss watches are really nice. Overall, they're just a big plus. When my two friends called him out on the joke","I don't know, I'm kind of neutral on it" +"Girlfriend called me last night","She wanted to talk, but I couldn't hear her voice because of the static noise She was breaking up" +"Did you hear Ben and Jerry's are gonna stop making ice cream and start their own branch of martial arts","They call it Koo-Kee Do" +"What did the mouse get on its 18th birthday","A rattoo" +"At dinner, I started eating my food with my hands. Wife: ewww. use a fork. That's disgusting","Me: I'm sure the food will taste as good as it did before-hand" +"Dad joke from my 4 yo cousin Her: What state has the smallest drinks. Me: I don't know, which one","Her: Minisoda" +"Somebody superglued my lips last night","I still can’t tell who did it" +"Anyone want to buy and eye phone. http://i. imgur. com/Z6mfuFU","jpg" +"I am really embarrassed that I forgot to bring sunscreen to the beach","Boy, is my face red" +"Someone stole my Microsoft Office license. I am gonna take it back","You have my Word on it" +"Did you hear about the Swedish car that got into a wreck","It was a real Saab story" +"What did the Dean Martin say when he went scuba diving","That’s a moray" +"If I were a teacher, I'd teach Existential Language Arts. A E I O U","and sometimes, 'why" +"Poop jokes aren’t my favorite kind of jokes","But they’re a solid number two." +"My wife is kicking me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a TV News anchor","More on that after the break" +"Dad used to do this all the time to my siblings and I Dad can you tell him to stop, he's making fun of me","Ok but you have to tell me where the fun factory is so I can stop production" +"I asked my son what he was doing, he said watching youtube","I said, but I'm not tubing" +"Who is bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s baby. Mr","Bigger’s baby, because he’s a little Bigger" +"You hear about the Mexican train killer","He had Locomotives" +"Dad dropped this one during a movie. I was streaming a movie to my Apple TV and during the beginning credits the thing started to lag like crazy until coming to a complete standstill. Dad: What movie is this. Me: It's called The Great Gatsby","Dad: Are you sure you didn't put Frozen by mistake" +"Saw a frog on the street looking for his car","Apparently he parked illegally so he got Toad" +"An eager chemist accidentally spilled all of his beakers for an upcoming experiment","Now all his hopes Argon" +"Where’s the best quarterback from","El Paso" +"I lost my job at the bank my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance so","I pushed her over" +"A dachshund was snuggling with my wife. As my wife and our dachshund were on the couch, she looks at me and says this dog is warm","I said yeah she's a Hot Dog" +"Why does a chicken coop have two doors","Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan" +"Raising a puppy is sharpening my skills. [Mom, dad, SO, I eating Chinese food before Billy Joel concert] [Finishing up, dad notices bunch of fortune cookies left in the box to be thrown out] Dad: You gonna throw all these away. Mom: . are you gonna eat all of them. Me: No reason to throw them out, they're worth a fortune.","It sounded much better before I typed it all out, I hope it comes across as good as it did that night" +"What does buying a house and trigonometry have in common","you have to sine and cosine" +"What do you call someone who sells themselves for spaghetti","A pastatute" +"Why did the barber win the race","He knew a shortcut" +"After riding bicycles with my dad all morning, he had to go home and rest","Because he was two tired" +"What do you call Nsync underwater","Nsunk" +"Did Castiel [Supernatural] make a dad joke. All I know is it could might as well have been said by my dad http://i. imgur. com/Q1FbQeg","jpg" +"My wife and I were stuck behind a van advertising granite countertops. Wife: Those look good. I'd kill to have our counters redone. Me: Sure","but then you'd be taking life for granite" +"How do you know the earth isn't flat. Because cats would have pushed everything off the edge by now. Thanks dad","for the morning dad joke" +"How can you tell if an ant is a girl or a boy","They're all girls, otherwise they'd be uncles" +"A Mexican Magician said. A Mexican magician said he could vanish on the count of three. Uno. Dos. *Poof* He disappeared","Without a tres" +"I heard they're making a movie based on the game. Tetris","Apparently it was due to start filming this year but writing the script was taking longer than expected as every time they finished a line it would disappear." +"If you find gold in Australia, where do you look for silver","Agstralia" +"Got Step-dad joked While talking about cars he says : 'Why do chicken coups have two doors. Because if it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan","<rimshot>" +"Did you hear the joke about the German sausage","Better not tell you, it was the wurst" +"One impeachment is bad, but two impeachments","That’s just unpresidented" +"Got my manager today I'm (M) 5 feet from the bathroom and my manager is following me in. Manager asks what's shaking","Reply: Me in about a minute" +"Why do elephants paint their toenails red","So they can hide in cherry trees" +"To whoever stole my copy of my Microsoft Office. I will find you","you have my word" +"My dad got a really good one in today. Backstory: Hit a deer and found out I won't have my car for a few weeks. **Dad**: Empty the dishwasher. **Me**: Why do I have to do it. I'm in mourning. **Dad**: It's the afternoon","Mourning is over" +"Sunday is sad","But the day before is an even sadder day" +"My uncle pulled this one during easter brunch As we were passing around the rolls he promptly took one and sat on it","He then said Hey look, Im on a roll" +"My wife groans every time we need to find the car keys. because this is our Tile screen. ](https://imgur","com/a/JYpJPeB)" +"If Gargamel serves steak along with his favorite meal","he'll be having Smurf and Turf" +"Dating Drama I went on a few dates with a girl who works at Macy's. We chat a lot and then she sprung a weird question on me. She said, my boss thinks you're cute and wants your number. Should I give it to her. I told her I'd prefer to keep dating her and not her boss, but if she just wanted to be friends, then she could give her my number, which she did. When I told this story to my dad, he said, you could date both of them at the same time and choose the most interesting one","I said, that sounds like that could be a reality show and without missing a beat he said, yeah, it could be called Macy's Date Parade" +"“Dad, will you pay for my ticket to the renaissance festival. ” “Sorry, son","I’m baroque”" +"Fact","Tall people sleep longer" +"Leonardo. DiCaprio must have loved working in. Inception","I mean, he was living the dream!" +"Why do good pirate jokes always get a laugh","Because they're funny" +"Genies work differently than you think they do (long joke) A man walks into a peculiar bar. There’s a small man no more than a foot tall playing the piano in the corner, men with horns and many other odd things. He noticed people huddled around a table. He walks up to the bartender and asks “what’s going on over there. ” The bartender replies,” oh it’s a game, if you win a genie will grant you one wish”. “Really. Can I wish for anything. ” The Bartender says “yup just be specific and enunciate. Trust me” “How do you play. ” The man asks excitedly “It’s simple if you roll snake eyes you win. Everyone gets one chance and no more” The man runs over the the table and waits his turn. Once he gets up to the table he rolls snake eyes, he’s ecstatic. A genie appears over the table and says”you get one wish” The man is jumping up and down in excitement. He can hear the bartender saying something but ignores him and says”I want a million bucks. ” The genie says”done” snaps his fingers and disappears. In that moment one million male deer, elk, antelope and other animals fill the bar spilling out into the street. After several minutes the stampede leaves the bar and the man says” what was that that wasn’t what I wanted. ” The bartender says “what did I say. I told you to be specific and enunciate","” “Oooh I see But how did you know that would happen” the man says “Do you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist" +"How do you embarrass an archaeologist","Show him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from" +"Number one on my bucket list Is probably [this](http://i. imgur. com/YhJaPbA","jpg)" +"I bought a magnet, but it keeps going from happy to sad and back","It's really bipolar" +"If there's an. Arkansas. Why isnt their a","Yourkansas?" +"Why do mermaids wear seashells","Because beeshells are too small, and deshells are too large" +"You're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there","European" +"Getting kids ready for school in the morning. Wife: Will you please put your daughters clothes on. Me: I tried","they don't fit me" +"What does the train use to fuel its gaming addiction","Steam I don't deserve forgiveness for this joke" +"I gave all my dead batteries away today","Free of charge" +"I don’t see any animosity between mainstream rappers anymore","They must be diss-track-ted" +"Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher","She lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils" +"Is IslamABad Religion","No, it's a city" +"I went to a crater convention expecting to have a good time","It ended up being the pits" +"My son tried coffee for the first time today and said it tasted like dirt","I told him It was just ground this morning." +"My dad was listening to my mother tell her friend that an elderly lady fell, but did not hurt her hips","Dad: Did she shout 'hip, hip hooray" +"Why didn’t the lifeguard rescue the hippie","Because he was faaaar out maaaaaan" +"What do you call an oily topical liquid for dry pig's skin","oinkment" +"Wife said breakfast wasn't sticking with her. Wife: I'm hungry. Those waffles aren't sticking with me. Me: Should have used more syrup","That makes everything sticky" +"How was Rome split in two","With a pair of Ceasars" +"Hey, I just bought a brand new t-shirt. http://imgur","com/tnFZkez" +"My grandma watched Scarface for the first time and seemed confused and disappointed","She said, “The guy knew nothing about scarves" +"Having sex in an elevator is so wrong","On so many levels" +"How does the German baker greet her customers","“Gluten tag" +"What time did the patient see the dentist","Tooth Hurty" +"What was Mark Zuckerberg's favourite game to play as a child","iSpy" +"Dad joked by an 81-year-old woman I work in a medical lab. I had an elderly patient today who was visibly upset, almost to the point of tears. I asked her if she was worried about having her blood drawn and she said that the blood draw didn’t bother her, but that she was upset because she had hit a cat with her car on the way to her appointment this morning. She said that she didn’t know who the cat belonged to and that she had it wrapped up in a blanket in her car. I asked her how badly the cat was hurt and she said “I think he’s going to be alright. I just clipped the hind end of him, but his tail is just barely hanging on. After I leave here, I’m taking him straight to Wal-Mart","” I told her that she might be better off taking the cat to a veterinary clinic instead of Wal-Mart and she said, “but it’s just his tail, and Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in North America" +"My daughter and I saw a man returning a treadmill to Costco. I said, I wonder why he is returning that. She said, I don't know","I said, Because he didn't get anywhere with it" +"What happens when a cow goes out into a field in the summer","It becomes pasteurized" +"I named my iPod Titanic","It's syncing" +"My wife asked me if. I could juggle. I said Maybe, but","I don't have the balls to try it." +"What is Darth Vader's wife name. Ela","(Coworker's joke while in the Elevator)" +"Advice for those of you who want a job in the moisturizer industry:","Apply daily." +"I just found out that in WWII, my grandpa killed 11 German pilots on one raid","but the German Luftwaffe (Air Force) kicked him out for being a terrible airplane mechanic" +"Dad got me with a great one at lunch. *Sitting with dad eating a few sandwiches* Dad: Did I ever tell you about my cousin who got into the Olympics. Me: No, but did they really. Dad: Yeah, she entered the sun tan competition. Me:","Dad: She got bronze" +"Anyone need old copies of Chiropractor Monthly","I have lots of back issues" +"Dadjoked my boss' kid She yelled across the house hey my mouse quit working","I yelled back feed it some cheese maybe it's just tired" +"My girlfriend told me that i am the anchor in her life","I pull her down." +"My neighbour is a shit ventriloquist","He stuck his fingers up my bum and told me not to say anything" +"Got Dad-Joked at dinner My family was eating dinner, and my sister starts talking about how she sometimes sweats randomly out of her left armpit, She mentions it only happens in the left, and only slows down when she uses Men's Deodorants. My dad chirps in Are you using Right Guard","You can use that on both sides, you know" +"I'd tell you a chemistry joke","but I know i wouldn't get a reaction" +"Technology doesn’t care about your sexuality","I mean, even my computer is binary" +"How do you greet a horse","Hay" +"98% of the time, I can do math","I don't worry about the other half" +"He has a bag full of dad jokes I work at a local grocery store that still offers paper or plastic. This older man walks up so I ask him Would you like paper or plastic. Without missing a beat he looks at me and says Oh it doesn't matter. I'm biSACKsual. Personally, I loved it","But he received the appropriate number of groans from my coworkers" +"Future present and past had a argument","It was getting pretty tense" +"You have to be carefull of warehouses","At full moon they turn into houses" +"If anyone has a tip on how to fix broken hinges,just drop on in","My door is always open" +"An apple a day keeps the doctor away","but dad jokes for 7 days makes one weak" +"What do you call a singer who always forgets his WiFi password","Can He Logins" +"I went to the butcher at my local deli. He said he had the best meats. I said do you want to bet on it","He said sad no, the steaks were to high" +"My son called me a potato","I said that's because we're best spuds" +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon","Great food, no atmosphere" +"What do chickens do in their spare time","They write poultry" +"Dad drinking his sports drink. So sad. Sexually transmitted reptile disease. GatorAIDS","Booooo" +"A man walked into a metal bar","Slayer was on the radio and they had a great selection of beers on tap" +"When does a bad joke turn into a dad joke","When the punchline is apparent" +"I saw a Justin Bieber CD taped to a wall, and I immediately took it","You never know when you would need some tape" +"The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play","But he never made it as a wise man" +"Got the wife. So I fell and either sprained or broke my ankle this morning chasing my son around. Told my wife I had been assaulted, so she better get me some pepper for balance. The eye roll was epic","Edit: hairline fracture on my ankle" +"My grandfather dad joking me. I banged my knee the other day and my grandfather asked why I was limping. I banged my knee on the table I said. Your low knee or your heine","he said with a grin" +"My friends and I got off a cruise. My friends and I just got off our cruise ship after a week long cruise. There were 2 lines to get through customs and are ended up moving a lot faster so I leaned over and said Looks like we got lucky and got the line thats really cruising. I dont think wel be going on vacation together again. Source: real story","am a dad" +"Where will you always be safe from the grim reaper","The living room" +"I think my dog might be a magician. He can clear an entire room with one fart","He's a Labracadabrador" +"Today, my son asked Can I have a book mark. Today, my son asked Can I have a book mark. and I burst into tears","11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian" +"“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says to this guy. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left. ” “Oh, that’s terrible. ” says the man. “Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got. ” “Ten…” the doctor says slowly. “Nine","eight… seven" +"What do you call a cow with no legs","Ground beef" +"What do children have 4 of but adults only have 2 of","kidneys" +"A. Vegetarian. Claimed to be my. Girlfriend. Which is strange because","I'd never seen herbivore" +"There are two bugs. The fly says to the other one “hey bug on my back. are you a mite. ” Bug responds: “I mite be. ” Fly: “Stupidest Pun I Ever Heard” Bug: “What do you expect","I made it up on the fly”" +"I ate some delicious corn on the cob yesterday","It was a-maize-ing." +"A Washington DC teacher has a discrimination lawsuit pending. She claims to have been fired for being cross eyed","In a statement, the education board explained she was dismissed because she demonstrated an inability to control her pupils" +"I used to be addicted to soap","But i am clean now." +"Whats a Corgi's favorite kind of cookie","Shortbread" +"What do you call a cow with 2 legs","Lean beef" +"My brother was reviewing what he learned in geometry Brother: the area of a circle","PiR^2 Dad: But I thought Pi r round" +"What happens when you lose both your feet in a battle？","Defeated" +"What's brown and rhymes with snoop. Dr","DRE" +"Classmate dad joked today *Teacher opens up web browser to show class a video related to WW1* Classmate 1: Why do you have so many windows open. Classmate 2: Because it's stuffy in there","*Long pause* *Entire class groans*" +"How do you figure out the difference between constipation and diarrhea","Process of Elimination" +"Every Road Trip 6 Year old: Where are we. Me (Dad): In the car. **Extension of the joke (Kid trying to be smart)** 6 Year old: Where is the car","Me (Dad): On the road" +"Dadjoked my dad at the age of 3. We were eating dinner at a nice resteraunt when my dad pointed to my mac-n-cheese and asked Can I have a bite","So I leaned over and bit him" +"Not entirely sure this qualifies I'm leaving the house and my dad says he'll close the door for me. He asks: it's supposed to get cold tonight are you going to bring a jacket. Me: no I'm okay. Him: doesn't the bus stop get cold. Me: I don't know, ask the bus stop","We burst out into the happiest family laughter" +"I've been searching for a job, hoping maybe there'll be a bakery hiring","I'll knead a little bit of dough to get by." +"I met a depressed bodybuilder today","He had nothing to lift for." +"Put my I. Voted sticker in my beard","And then told my daughter that someone was going to win by a whisker ." +"Walking through an art museum with my parents","My dad stops and takes a pose, points at a mirror and says: 'look honey, this is a true piece of art'" +"In Mexico, it's not called Father's Day","It's Day of the Dad" +"A skeleton walks into a bar","And orders rum and a mop" +"Did you know that the songs, 'Rolling in the Deep', 'Set fire to the Rain' and 'Skyfall' were all created by a laptop","By a Dell to be precise" +"As an ambulance went speeding past us","Dad: He's not going to sell many ice creams at that speed" +"I gave a depressed psychic some anti-depressants","He's now a happy medium" +"Overheard this joke in a library A man called the hospital in a panicked voice and said: My wife is giving birth. The hospital replied, is this her first born","the man replied no, I'm the dad" +"I told myself a dad joke I've been on a metal kick lately. A little sabbath, zeppelin, and a lot of ozzy. So I'm sitting here building a Christian website for myself, singing mr. Crowley when I say to myself. well, this is abbot odd. I told myself a dad joke because my daughter is asleep","I've reached a new low" +"Do you want to hear a joke about Pizza","Nah it's too cheesy" +"I recently began my journey to becoming a vegetarian","I quit cold turkey" +"What do you call a deaf person who can't sign the letter 'e'","E-motion-less" +"How did people apologize back in the day","Through re-morse code" +"Since more is the opposite of less . Then you can fix a moron with a lesson","(or for the nuclear physicists, a lesson is an anti-moron)" +"Reports of a new haunted bakery are surfacing","Customers report the bakery is giving them the crepes." +"Giraffes can grow up to 18 feet","But most only grow 4" +"After a long battle with my wife, I got to name my son. Congratulations, sir, the doctor said, with tears in his eyes, You're a father. Has he. I asked","Yes, the doc replied, his eyes welling with tears, Theparty has arrived" +"Google Assistant just keeps getting better. http://i. imgur. com/9PlfrXLl","jpg" +"I asked my wife if she'd like a new Diamond Ring to celebrate our Anniversary Nothing would make me happier","She replied \- So I got her nothing" +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon","Great food, no atmosphere" +"Don't dad joke a dad joker. A few weeks ago my wife and I were at a festival called The Banjo-b-que Fest . On Saturday afternoon we stopped at a convenience store and upon noticing my concert wristband the clerk gave me a smirk and asked How's the festival, did you eat any good banjos while you were there. I replied, I tried one, a bit stringy for my tasty","His smirk disappeared after that" +"What do you call a river when it starts flowing backwards","Reverse" +"You know you're getting old when","you start having dry dreams and wet farts" +"What’s the longest word in the dictionary. Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s","My dad told me this one this morning" +"If you're Russian to the bathroom and Finnish when you're leaving the bathroom, then what are you in the bathroom","European" +"So this sheep made me a really good latte","He's the best baarista in town" +"What kind of perfume does Winnie the Pooh wear","d'Eeyore" +"Do you know Champ. Staged perfectly in the ever scentiful Bath&Body works at a mall. Me: Hey mom, do you know a guy named Champ. Mom: Champ, is that a nickname. Me: No, its his actual name. Sister chimes in Well whats his last name. Me: *purposeful* Huh. Sis: Champ who","Me: :) Sis: -GROAN- God fucking damn it" +"Dad joked by a 6 year old camping. While setting up the tent for a camping weekend with my 6 year old, he asks what I am doing","I say I'm hammering in the stakes so the tent doesn't blow away With the biggest smirk I have ever seen on him, and lots of laughter, he replies with I thought the steaks were for dinner tonight Very proud day" +"I was really bored, so I decided to memorize six pages of the dictionary","I learned next to nothing" +"Having mole problems","Call out specialist Avogadro at 602-1023" +"My mom told me her ex boyfriend wasn't very good in bed","Some guys are just bad mother fuckers" +"What’s orange and sounds like a parrot","A carrot" +"I worry that if. I lose my job. I'll go homeless. But","I'll probably just go home more." +"I tried to start a conversation with facts about the Titanic","It's not a very good icebreaker" +"I just dad joked my friend. My friend: I'll be thinking about you when. I'm talking a poop . Me: why, because","I'm the shit" +"What did the baker say at the loan office. Please","I knead dough" +"I named my horse Mayo","Mayo neighs" +"When picking up the coffee you ordered at Starbucks, always be appreciative and polite","Be sure to say, Thanks, a latte" +"Why did the duck explode","Because it was a fire-quacker" +"Why did my dad cook the baby animal","Because he had to fetus" +"What did the chemist say when he dropped a bar of gold on his foot","Au" +"Yes, we get it. They don't allow loud laughs in Hawaii. Can we stop posting this joke now","No loud laughs, only a low ha" +"I've never really liked my flatmates","I prefer the ones that are round" +"Someone leeked a photo of me on the internet [Here it is. ](https://i. redditmedia. com/AeGxhqsP_W3_tui68SRKGLz7Xs2fM8Eq1152mZGTlX4. jpg","w=615&s=82c3fce5d86bf08b14bb85627b10a2f7)" +"What's the worst hood in America","Adulthood" +"System Admin Dad Joke This morning a co-worker sent an email that had a lame jokey request in it, the contents of that email are unimportant. However he became concerned that we might not understand it was just a joke as we are computer nerds and sometimes unable to get his jokes . Therefore he sent a follow up email at mid-day saying I'm Obviously Just Kidding. So I changed his name in Active Directory to Obviously J. Kidding for the afternoon and sent this email confirmation. From: IT Ops To: Obviously J. Kidding Subject: Name Change Request Hello Mr Kidding, Per your request we have updated your name in our records. Your name will be automatically updated in our corporate directory. Your phone extension and email have been updated automatically. Business cards and stationary may be re-ordered via the Intranet","Sincecerly, IT Ops" +"Got my girlfriend pretty well As I got off of work and got in my car to go home, I plugged in the aux cable to my phone, to get some jams pumping for the ride. The cable was broken, and only treble was going through to the speakers. as I was telling my girlfriend about it, this may have transpired. me- So I'm 99% sure my AUX cable is busted. her- Yeah. How so. me- I think that only the treble is going through the cable. I guess it really isn't all about the bass","her- (she hates the song) *Multiple levels of groaning I'm always proud of the little things" +"What do you call a slaughterhouse for fish","An air chamber" +"Here's a little something for you all","^^^something" +"Never make fun of fat girls with lisps","They're thick and tired of it" +"I thought of a new joke that started in a corn field","But I'm not going to post it bc it's too corny" +"Son asks for help with his science homework. Nerd dad strikes. Son: Dad, I having trouble solving problems about solubility. Can you help me. Me: Sure. It is pretty simple, actually. All you need to do is plug the numbers from the problems into the right equations","Then, you can figure out the solutions" +"I thought the ocean was crabby","But it was just being a little salty" +"What is the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman. You can unscrew a lightbulb. &#x200B; &#x200B; EDIT: An older gentleman spent the whole afternoon in the gas station telling dad jokes to every customer that walked through the door","This was mine" +"Who invented the round table","Sir Cumference" +"Why does the Norwegian Navy put barcodes on the side of their ships","So they can Scandinavian" +"What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen","snowballs" +"She looked at her steak and said it was undercooked. NYE dinner - me, gf, and four teenaged girls. (Gf 2 kids, plus 2 friends). We're eating a fondue dinner and one of the friends notices that she had undercooked her steak. Me: That reminds me of my cousin. She was a psychic. Girl: Huh. Me: I didn't see her much, but we had dinner once. Girl: Huh. Me: She ordered her steak well-done. Girl: (just looks at me) Me: . Which is rare for a medium. Girl: (pauses). OMG","(Eye-rolling)" +"One time someone tried to sell my dad a belt made out of watches","He told the salesman that this deal was A waist of time" +"Two kittens on sloped roof. Which one slides off first","The one with the lowest mew" +"One day a member of the Mongol army needed to make a tough decision","So he decided to weigh the pros and Khans" +"Why are Irish bankers so successful","Because their capital's always Dublin" +"I've always wanted to learn. Braille but. I'm too afraid to ask somebody to teach me","It's a touchy subject" +"Can February March","No, but April May" +"What's heck","It's where you go if you don't believe in gosh" +"“Doc, I ate one of those “do not eat” silica packets. Am I going to die. ” Doctor: Well, everyone will die eventually. Man: Everyone","What have I done" +"Oh my gosh, I didn't know this was a real site","I only heard about it, I never reddit before" +"My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot","It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away" +"What do farmers say to the cows at night","It's pasture bedtime" +"We told my mother we were going to see this movie into the woods","She told use we should probably watch the movie inside" +"Did you hear about the stag who found out she was actually a doe","She was transgendeer" +"What is a pirate's favorite letter. Child: RRRRrrrr. Dad: Nay","'Tis the C" +"We could open a restaurant called the human cafe","Our motto would be, we're serving one another" +"Why gladiators dont cry","Because they are gladiators not sadiators" +"One of my classmates dadjoked a whole lecture hall today We are in medical pharmacology right now and are starting a series of lectures on chemotherapies. My professor begins the lecture by saying Who's ready to learn about cancer drugs","This guy gets on the mic, and says, I'm more of a Libra drug kind of guy" +"Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens. They kept saying Bach","Bach" +"How do we know hippos are so good at hiding in trees","We never see them" +"What did the young, future Dr. McCoy say when he realized he was late for his least favourite class in high school. Dammit","gym" +"A dad buys an iPhone. Dad: Looks like I'm going to jail Son: . Dad: I'm going to","face time" +"Do you know how many women have been pope","Nun" +"Got the biggest eyeroll from my girlfriend at the grocery You think they call them collard greens because they're into S&M","That sounds like something your dad would say" +"It's like a sauna in here. https://media. giphy. com/media/2U56UcEcG7nQA/giphy","gif" +"Moon rocks taste better than Earth rocks","The moon rocks are a little meteor" +"My girlfriend was telling me that moths don't like cedar. Me: That's what moth balls are made of. GF: Really. Is that why they hate them. Me: No, it's actually because they're so modest","GF: *Gives me puzzled look* Me: They don't want you to cedar balls" +"I had a great joke so I went to sharpen my pencil","but then I lost the point" +"I went to a zoo that only had one animal in it, a dog","It was a Shi-Tzu" +"Dad jokes about plane fights. My travels often see me flying in inclement weather. After flying into two snow storms and two thunder storms in two days, this was my dad's reply. http://i. imgur. com/eQbZtgc","png" +"A new study reveals that listening to a Queen album might be bad for your health","Because of the unusually high Mercury content" +"My brother threw a carton of milk at me","How dairy" +"But I need it","You're not a baker, you don't knead anything" +"What disease do ghosts catch","The boobonic plague" +"What did the dad vacuum say to the son vacuum","Dyson" +"Why didn't the dad take a piece of candy","He doesn't need a Reisen" +"I use dad jokes every chance i get. Me: how was class. Her: alright we talked about soil. The entire lecture was on soil. How it is made, what contributes to good soil quality. And we learned the twelve categories of soil. Couldn't have been more boring. Me: boring. Sounds pretty down to earth to me","Her: haha that's was ridiculous Me: what, should of I went with a dirtier joke" +"Food contamination warning. Hope this is the right sub but this is something I need to share. Do not eat peanuts right now, if you do examine them carefully. There has been a fungus that has infected most of the peanut crops in north America. From the outside they look fine but if you bite into the nut you may notice a small black center. By then it's too late. The black center at early stages can cause digestive issues but if the entire nut is black it can cause failure of the nervous system and respiratory complications. There are pests that have laid their eggs in these plants and tiny microorganisms have developed in these plants. They leech into the fruit causing the black color. Ingestion can cause all sorts of troubles from diarrhea to death. These creatures are fatal","That's why you should always watch out for the creature from the black legume" +"How does the geology student say goodnight to his grandma","Grannite" +"My son told me he was pansexual","I asked if that meant he would finally do the dishes." +"What kind of computer sings","A dell" +"Not a dad yet, but showing signs Me: Want to go for tacos tonight. Girlfriend: You're too late, I've already started the crock pot. Me: Well, what's crock'n. Girlfriend:","funny" +"Astronaut 1: Hi mate, I can't find any milk for my coffee Astronaut 2:In space, no one can","Here, use cream" +"I can’t believe. I got fired from the calendar factory. All","I did was take a day off" +"What is a Greek God’s most hated food","A Chili’s Meal" +"Why do goldfish like to hide in ponds","They are being koi" +"I'll use a calculator, I'll use a protractor, I'll use an eraser, and I'll use a compass. But a ruler","That's where I draw the line" +"What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer","Pelvis Presley" +"My first dad joke way before I was an actual dad. My friend started dating a new girl. I said, What's her name. He replied Tali. Kind of different. I asked him, How's it going. He said that they had fun at first but she was getting clingy and he might have to break up with her. I said, Well, if she gets too crazy, we'll have to impose a. Tali-ban","Real story" +"I just pulled my first dadjoke on my girlfriend I was helping her do some initial pencil line work for a painting that she is working on, and she said to me I don't know where my kneaded eraser went. To which I responded, Well, I guess it was needed elsewhere","She looked me dead in the eyes and just said, You disgust me" +"Spoiler \[[SPOILER](https://www. team-bhp. com/forum/iipcache/6076","jpg)\]" +"What mini Ryu shouts when he upper punches people","Shrunken" +"Today I received the first text my dad ever sent me. http://i. imgur. com/HdjKNn7","png" +"A detective is staking out the entrance of a romantic restaurant. and after a few hours of not seeing the criminals he's looking for he gets hungry. He calls his partner to fill in for five minutes while he grabs some dinner and tells him to take a picture of every single person that walks through the door. The partner waits for the detective to return and when he does the detective asks to see the photos that he took","The partner replies I didn't see any single people, I saw a lot of couples though" +"When you're an. English major and your dad tries to use the new slang in his jokes. You must be having a good semester then since all your classes are","Lit" +"What did the fish say right before it hit the wall","Damn" +"The detective accused the crocodile of committing the crime","I thought It was a pretty strong alligation" +"Dad's fake swearing Stone of a peach. Was a favorite of my Dad's. There are probably others that I can't recall","Share yours in the comments" +"Why was the stadium so cold","Because there were a lot of fans" +"My boss asked me if my wife liked cold weather states","I said I'm not sure Alaska" +"England doesn't have a kidney bank","It however, has a liverpool" +"Im a light eater. When it's light out","I eat" +"I had a friend who smoked weed on Mount Everest","He told me he was really high" +"I ordered some Yugioh cards from a store called Alternate Universes. My dad saw the envelope and said Alternate Universes","That postage must have been really expensive" +"How do aliens get ready for a party","They plan-it" +"I love saying the word saliva,","It rolls right off the tongue." +"Never buy just one head of lettuce","Two heads are better than one" +"Namasté. Nah","I'ma go." +"I’ve been saying “mucho” more when talking to my Hispanic friends","It means a lot to them" +"Participation trophies Apparently some kids just took down another confederate monument","Guess this is proof that millennials really do hate participation trophies" +"Asked my dad about golfing Dad loves to golf and he enjoys drinking while golfing. A couple days ago he came over for a visit after a few rounds. How was golfing. You seem a little buzzed, did you have a few drinks. Of golf course.","I cracked up but my husband groaned" +"PSA: Dad jokes can be as deadly than hunger Last night, my family came to pick me up from work after the kids' swim lessons. They were tired, hungry, grumpy, hungry, and hungry on the drive home. My 6 year old: Ugh. I'm going to die. Me: You're right; we're all going to die. What are you going to die of. 6yo: Hunger and your jokes. Me: Well, I hope my jokes get you first. That sounds like a better way to go. You heard it here first, folks. Dad jokes can potentially kill faster than starvation","Wield them carefully" +"What does a lion call his barber","His mane man" +"I’m starting a support group for people whose pun’s aren’t appreciated","It’ll be called eh-eh" +"How much did it cost the pirate to get his ears pierced","A buccaneer" +"I was at a party when I realized there was a line to get a cup of lemonade and a line to get a cup of cola but there wasn’t a line to get punch","There was no punch line" +"Why is driving by a church so dangerous","Because there is so much cross traffic" +"The nurse asked me, “Would you please pee in the cup","” I said, “I’m good at it but don’t want to compete professionally yet" +"What is a person who has a virus in Germany","A germ-man" +"What do you call little piece of shits. Dumplings I got murder stares for this one","Specially since the gf likes dumplings and we had them last night" +"What kind of music do wind turbines like","They're huge metal fans" +"What did the composer say to his nagging wife","Don't worry, I'll Handel it and be right Bach" +"How does a penguin build its house","Igloos it together" +"My mom didn't like my report card","I said OKAY She said I want more A's I said OKAAAAAAY" +"Why was Han Solo crying at the dinner table","Because the meat was Chewie" +"What type of deer do you get when it's windy outside","Windows" +"For years I've suspected my wife of adding soil to my garden. When I asked her about it, she just shrugged","The plot thickens" +"Why did the Queen visit the dentist","To be crowned" +"I got a massage today. I think the masseuse liked me","She said I was super tight" +"Where does Ash get his PokéGear","At the Catch 'Mall" +"Dad joked the wife over cooking. FTW I've got oven preheated to 420f for baking sweet potatoes, wife course corrects and tells me she wants the oven set to 450f. What, 420 isn't HIGH enough for you. Teenage kids reaction in the kitchen, priceless","Got a high-five from stepdaughter too" +"What does a horse care about most in the coming election","A stable economy" +"Told my dad a joke stolen from AskReddit. Touche, old man [dad joke] (https://m. imgur","com/p6BewPb)" +"A man robbed a ramen shop, but instead of stealing money, he stole 130 eggs","I guess he likes his eggs poached" +"My wife and I planned the perfect date and then","Wife: now we just need to find someone to watch our kids Me: well I'd volunteer, but I have a date" +"I was walking past a farm and a sign said: Duck, eggs. I thought, that's an unnecessary comma","Then it hit me" +"How do Nazis talk to babies","In Goebeldigook" +"I tell this joke every Sunday","Unfortunately today is cloudy so it will have to wait" +"I love pop","It's soda licious." +"Did you hear about the Italian chef that died","He pasta way" +"KFC's Colonel is a Dad if you check out the twitter page. @KFC has over 1 million followers, but only follows 11 people 5 Spice girls, and 6 guys named Herb 11 Herbs & Spices (Seriously, check it out https://twitter","com/kfc)" +"If you don’t come to my funeral","I’m not coming to yours, that’s that." +"A scuba diver committed suicide today","He just couldn’t handle the pressure." +"Jokes that compound - Two fish are in a tank One turns to the other and says how do you drive this thing. followed by - Two soldiers are in a tank","One turns to the other and says * Blruprrbrubpffft *" +"A Chinese chef was at the pinnacle of his career. He was number one. He was so incredible , he was about to break into Hollywood. Then his kitchen caught fire and he died. It was horribly tragic. Suddenly he was reborn, brighter and better than before","He was Wok King Phoenix" +"I wanted to sketch some sort of ammunition","But I’m drawing a blank" +"My dad dropped this on me as we watched. UFC. Me: He's a second degree black belt","Dad: That's impressive, what's his first degree in?" +"Today my wife finally made it to the dark side after years of groans So I tend to tell bad dad jokes as a nerd and father they fit well and my wife has grown tired but today she got me. My eldest is away on a trip and the dishwasher is normally his chore, backstory over. My wife is sorting the dishwasher and on completion states that we will have to unload the dishwasher in the morning or this evening and then we can put a cleaner in it. she may protest but I’m sure we can make her fit. she then continued to laugh at her own dad joke for some time","Achievement unlocked" +"After a few years, talked with my ex-wife and she still misses me","But her aim is getting better" +"I’m gonna open an Indian Restaurant. It’s gonna be called The Ghee Spot It’s gonna be hard to find","Hope it’s okay that I put a “mom” joke" +"i was shopping for beds with my girlfriend","her: baby, help me pick i can't make up my mind me: maybe you need to sleep on it" +"I recently started a band called 999 megabytes","We're good but we still haven't gotten a gig yet" +"My boyfriend has turned into a full on Dad What’s the best part of hunting with a bazooka","You get more buck for your bang" +"A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage","Sadly, he lost his case" +"My sister's birthday Sister: Want to go to Shedd Aquarium for my birthday","Dad: I don't know, sounds fishy to me" +"Her nose really wasn't bleeding. Wife: Is my nose bleeding","Me: No, it's snot" +"Told my gf she was drawing her eyebrows too high on her forehead","She looked surprised" +"Why aren’t there Vegas-style casinos in Africa","Too many cheetahs" +"Friends keep talking to me about my addiction to brake fluid","I can stop anytime I want" +"I heard someone say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. Does anyone know if that's true","I keep looking it up but I can't find anything It is driving me crazy" +"Dad: What’s the difference between a piano, a fish, and glue. Kid: I don’t know what. Dad: You can tune a piano but you can’t tuna fish. Kid: What about the glue","Dad: Ah, I knew you’d get stuck on that" +"I got a block of iron in the mail. I guess you can say","I finally have a fe mail in my life" +"So my phone is a dad. http://imgur","com/k2Il4Vi" +"If. I had a pet bear,. I��d name him. Nate. Then, when winter comes,. I’d call him “Hi, bear","Nate!”" +"Time flies like an arrow","Fruit flies like a banana" +"Does anyone know why scientists are having trouble tracking hurricane Jose. It's because he's undocumented","My dad said this while we're sitting through hurricane Irma" +"What’s the dance of dairy products","The milkshake" +"I’ve never lost a game of football basketball or volleyball","Though I’ve never played a game either" +"I told my daughter a dad joke. After saying the punchline, I bellowed HIYOOOOO then dabbed. She said What was THAT","A dab joke" +"Have you ever smelled mothballs","How'd you get their little legs apart" +"While getting a filling at the dentist's office The hygentist says, Wow, you have a strong bite","Thanks, I've been working out" +"My coworker gives great career advice Coworker A: When I was younger I really wanted to be an archeologist","Coworker Dad: Good thing you became an engineer; your career would have been in RUINS Groaning silence*" +"What did one bean say to the other bean","How've you bean" +"My pillow took me to court","I lost the case" +"My kids wanted me to do Lumosity, but I just could never get into","I kept forgetting my password" +"I went to the opticians yesterday and she asked to sing a high note when. I asked why, she told me “So we know if you can","C#”" +"When. I was younger, my girlfriend ran off with a tractor salesman. A couple of week later she sent me a. John","Deere letter." +"I went to my backyard this morning, and I saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast","It was a millennial falcon" +"My wife threatened to kick me out of the house if I did not stop acting like a Flamingo","That was when I put my foot down" +"A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket","Sighs, and says Crap, some asshole has my pen." +"Two Cats swimming the English Channel Two Cats swimming the English Channel to France, one was called One Two Three and the other Un Deux Trois which cat made it","One Two Three because Un deux trois Cat Sank" +"Where does a Cyclops party","Eyebiza" +"Dad. Are we pyromaniacs","Yes, we arson" +"Blind panic What’s the worst thing a blind person can read in braille","“Do not touch”" +"My fiancé and I are getting married late tonight","When two becomes one" +"In. Africa, every 60 seconds…","A minute passes" +"Want to hear a joke about construction","I'm still working on it" +"Double dadjoked my SO with a classic. We were sitting chilling on the sofa, watching crap telly, she turned to me and said, I'm tired . Nice to meet you tired, I'm Simon She's well used to my shit, so she fixed me with a steely gaze, totally unimpressed, and barked, You're so funny . No, I'm Simon. I just told you that","I snickered silently to myself as I ducked under the remote control that was thrown -hard- at my head" +"Girlfriend dadjoked my 8 year old cousin. Cousin: I'm going to make a song about farts","Girlfriend: Sounds like it's going to stink" +"What's a Norse god's favourite video game","Thortnite" +"Why do cows wear bells","Because there horns don't work" +"[At dinner] Her: I don’t think it’s going to work out between us. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes. Me: Ok","And for the main course" +"Why do cows have hooves and not feet","Because they lack toes I’m sorry" +"Why did the riot cop leave for work early","To beat the crowd" +"I had a dream to be a pilot","But the idea never took off" +"My little secret. http://www. imgur. com/6ZROo4D","jpeg" +"I have an Irish friend with a great personality that always bounces off the walls","His name is Rick O’Shea" +"Today was a rather ODD day. (; Get it","11-13-15" +"One day a man bought a lottery ticket. To his surprise, when he scratched it off he had won a million dollars. The man picked up his phone right away to call his wife. Man: “Honey, I won the lottery. Pack your bags. ” Wife: “That’s amazing. I’m so excited where are we going","” Man: “I don’t know where you’re going, but be out by 5" +"How can you tell a tree is a Dogwood","By its bark" +"Why did the non-binary prospector head out West","Because there was gold in them/their hills" +"Did you hear about the church musician who died suddenly","Turns out it was organ failure" +"What is a ghost’s favorite magazine","The Boo Yorker" +"I told my son if he farted in the car he would have to give me 10$ of his 100$ monthly allowance","I always get my 10 Per-Scent" +"You can't name your son jack, no one will be able to say hi to him on a plane. Hijack My dad literally just said this to me","Lol" +"My girlfriend who works in retail overheard a dad joking his daughter A man is paying for his daughter's clothes in the store my girlfriend works at. Girlfriend: Credit or debit. Dad: C. Girlfriend: . Dad: Cash on Daddy","(turns to his daughter and starts chuckling out loud)" +"To a vegetarian,. A duck hunter commits. Murder. Moist","Fowl ." +"I don't often tell dad jokes. But when","I do he says they're all fucking reposts." +"My wife asked me to stop acting like a flamingo","I had to put my foot down." +"Which body organ loves life the most","The Liver" +"From 1 to 3 how great of a dad am I","“2” That’s like the second last thing I wanted to hear" +"Got my 3 year old, but she didn't get it We were playing restaurant , and this was a special restaurant that only only animals went to. In the middle of playing a family of goats came to the restaurant and they were ordering their food. Daddy, what's the baby goat going to eat","The kid's meal I cracked myself up" +"I'd make a clog","Wooden shoe" +"I just found out Freud studied eel testicles","That's just nuts" +"I’ve got a friend who’s half Indian","Ian" +"How is Steve Jobs like Donald Trump","I don’t know, that’s comparing apples and oranges" +"What holds a frog together. Rivets","Rivets" +"I gave my friend an Al Capone figurine for Christmas","I'm a gangster wrapper" +"if","Shakespeare moonlighted as a wrestler with no signature moves he would be known as the no holds bard." +"What is it called when two redheads have a baby","Ginger-bred" +"Did you hear about the two newly discovered blood cells called Romeo and Juliet","They died in vein" +"How do you tell the difference between an X chromosome and a Y chromosome. you unzip its genes","* everyone shakes head in disappointment or chuckles *" +"I'm a childless woman but it's a dad joke nonetheless. A friend was describing some friends of his- They're the sweetest. Met on Broadway, have the most adorable son, Cayman. Me, like the island. Him, well yes, but he's named after his dad's father. Me, that would be, Grand Cayman, right","" +"how do you make a hot dog stand","take away its chair" +"What do you call a mouse’s home","A mousepad Please laugh" +"Why did two light bulbs go out. They liked each other","" +"To whoever stole my anti-depressants,","I hope you're happy now." +"My dog just sits there staring at me","It's my biggest pet peeve" +"Why can't people go swimming in the middle east","Because of the Towel ban" +"My dad on ear problems So my mom is in Florida on a business trip (we live further up the east coast), which leaves dad and I all by ourselves. I have also been having trouble with the area around my ear and jaw hurting, and the three of us were discussing it around the phone. Mom: Do you think you should go to the doctor. Me: Not right now. I think if it gets worse it could become a possibility Dad: I guess we'll just play this one by. Ear","He got the biggest grin on his face, and me shaking my head only made him laugh harder" +"What’s a kidnapper’s favorite salad","Seize Her Salad" +"Co-worker said: I was thinking about turning 30 this morning . I said: You'll have to wait until your birthday","I don't have any children." +"We need to change the temperature. FAST","ThermoSTAT" +"Where do sick boats go","The dock" +"Okay, seriously people, calm down. There's no need to tailgate me when I'm doing 120 mph, over twice the legal speed limit. Just pass me already","Oh, and by the way, those flashing lights on top of your car look really stupid" +"What's the best name for a Newt","My dad was out looking at newts in our garden because they had moved in, he turns to me and asked me what I'd name a newt, he then says that he'd name it Tiny, it would be my-newt Gdi dad" +"What do you call the dapper bouncer at the local laundromat. The Deter Gent",";D" +"George Washington predicted that one day, a dollar bill will bear his likeness","In that regard, he was on the money" +"I used to have migraines,. But now that","I’m married they’re ourgraines." +"Intense in the Bedroom My fiance and I were getting ready for bed. I was the first one to climb under the covers. For some reason it seems to be really cold when I first climb in, so I start rolling around frantically to generate some heat. My fiance walks into the room and gives me a puzzled look. > Her: Wow. You're looking intense, honey. > Me: I'm not intense. I'm in a blanket","The look on her face and the long groan was priceless" +"What do you call a chicken staring at a salad","Chicken sees a salad" +"If you see a robbery at an Apple Store","does that make you an iWitness" +"What did the. Italian. Sausage say to the. German. Sausage. You’re the","Wurst!" +"The DeLorean can’t be used as a daily driver","It can only be driven from time to time" +"What do you call a head with no nose","Nobody knows" +"The 'Complimentary' Salad On mothers day last year we went out to eat at Olive Garden. When the salad arrived he picks it up points it towards my mother and says in the most announcer\-like voice he can muster, You look great tonight, Honey. when asked what he was doing he responded, Well it's a 'complimentary' salad","One of my favorite jokes to this day" +"What do you call a horny square","An erectangle" +"I sometimes wish I were a butcher So I could bring home the bacon","Said it to the wife last night and she groaned" +"Do you like the sun","My Dad: No, I like the daughter" +"Don't you just hate those annoying pop-up ads when you're shopping online for BBQ's","Hot meat grills in your area" +"What's the trade name of a robot nun","Sistermatic" +"I heard Mike Tyson will be launching a Christian dedicated social media site","He's calling it Faithbook" +"How do toys in gangs greet each other","Yo-Yo" +"Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii","or just a low ha" +"Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road","Because it got stuck in a crack" +"The first time they ever met, my dad blindsided my mom with this prophetic alphabet dad joke. So my dad's name is Jay and my mom's name is Kay. The first time they were introduced, it was obvious their names were destined for dad joke immortality: Mom's friend: Jay, this is my friend Kay. I thought you two should meet. Mom: Hi. Dad: Ya know, if we get married and have kids. we could name them Ellie, Emmie, and Opie. We could eat alphabet cereal for breakfast and alphabet soup for dinner. :) ;) Mom: . uh. 30 years later and they did get married, and did get their Emmie","(my sister's name is Emily)" +"Why did the rapper go to the grocery store","To get some fresh beets" +"The FBI isn't allowed to yell Get down. anymore when the president is being attacked","They now yell Donald, duck" +"Son: Hey dad, can you spell check my essay","Dad: c-h-e-c-k m-y e-s-s-a-y" +"What do you call a grizzly bear caught in a rain shower","A drizzly bear" +"Did you hear that McDonalds gave all their employees large laptops for Christmas","They were Big Macs" +"What's Forrest Gump's Facebook password","1Forrest1" +"My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine","So I added some fruit and lemonade to it and now she sangria than ever" +"What Happens to Snitches","They get caught and the quidditch match is over" +"Dad dropped this one today how does popeye keep his favorite tool from rusting","He keeps it in olive oyl" +"Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a tree","They’re pretty good at it, aren’t they" +"What is the unit of power","That is correct" +"What do you call an alligator in a vest","An Investigator" +"At 11:59:59, don't forget to stand-up and lift your left foot off the ground","That way you start the new year off on the right foot" +"I hate when people ask me where. I see myself in a year. I don't have 2020 vision","I can't tell you that" +"What do the lady reindeer do on Christmas eve","Go into town and blow a few bucks" +"How do you make an eggroll","You push it" +"I just ate 10 clocks","It was very time consuming" +"what's red and smells like blue paint","**Red Paint**" +"I always wanted to name my kid Thustorm, and teach him to play hockey well enough to get him scouted by Boston","then I could say Thustorm's a Bruin" +"What’s the first rule of Thesaurus Club","Do not talk about, comment on, discuss, or mention Thesaurus club" +"Want to know what they call me in the hood","The head" +"Mine. Sweeper. Is what","I call my broom." +"My. Tesla was stolen. Now it's an","Edison" +"Parking a single car doesn’t need much space, but parking 200 cars","now, that needs a lot" +"What do toilet paper and numbers have in common","Both can be multi-ply'd" +"I tried to hire a crocodile private eye wearing a sleeveless jacket","But I couldn't find one so I got an in-vest-a-gator instead" +"Did you hear about the cloud who became king","Rained for years" +"My co-worker didn't see the value in patience I work at a shipping company. We'll call it YouPS. Anyway, my coworker, Jose, sees a barbell and asks me, Why do people order weights in the mail. I said back to him I don't know, Jose. I guess they figured they could *weight* for it","He just stared with anger as I laughed too hard to myself" +"A lumberjack went into a magical forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted Wait. I'm a magical tree","The lumberjack grinned and said, And you will dialogue" +"Samsung delays the release of their new tablet/phone collab","Guess the plan just didn't unfold" +"I had trouble buying things in. Brazil. They told me my money wasn't","Real." +"Called my friend while he was driving. In the middle of our conversation, he cuts me off. Okay, I'm doing, like, 78 right now, how the hell did a Ford pickup with one of those horse trailers hooked to the back just pass me. Isn't it obvious","It has more horsepower" +"My grandfather has a funny story he likes to tell people about how a long time ago he swallowed his wedding ring and then it came out 10 years later. I've heard him tell it many times over the years","It's old butt gold" +"I enjoy telling dad jokes","Sometimes he laughs" +"The floods had subsided, and Noah had safely landed his ark on Mount Sinai. Go forth and multiply. he told the animals. and so off they went two by two, and within a few weeks Noah heard the chatter of tiny monkeys, the snarl of tiny tigers and the stomp of baby elephants. Then he heard something he didn't recognise… a loud, revving buzz coming from the woods. He went in to find out what strange animal's offspring was making this noise, and discovered a pair of snakes wielding a chainsaw. What on earth are you doing. he cried. You're destroying the trees","Well Noah, the snakes replied, we tried to multiply as you bade us, but we're adders… so we have to use logs" +"A man comes up to me and says, I met a talking bicycle wheel today. “ Surprised, I asked, What happened","It spoke" +"Where does Aqua Man keep his automobile","In the car pool" +"I travel around the country giving seminars on the beneficial features of dried grapes","I’m in the business of raisin awareness" +"My bags got lost on my way to the capital of. Vietnam. It was quite the","Hanoiance." +"Flight allows flamingos to avoid predators","Natural selection is why flamingstays are extinct" +"My dad, Paul, was interviewed for the union magazine where he works. I feel sorry for the guy who interviewed him. [Here's a scanned excerpt, via Imgur. ](http://imgur. com/k0ltJkK) Transcript (**Important part in boldface**): Extremely pragmatic and frugal in nature -- a lot of stuff I see people buying is completely nonessential -- Paul has a soft spot for absolutely any joke, and the more esoteric, the better. Instead of his proper name on his office template, The Buck Stops Here appears. **The other day, he stopped me in the hallway and asked What will the people carrying the coffin at my funeral be called. ** **I wait. ** ** Paul bearers , he declares, followed by a knee-slapping hearty guffaw","** EDIT: Fixed Imgur link" +"The blind man's seeing eye dog Pissed on the blind man's shoes. The blind man said, here rover, here's a piece of beef for you. His wife said, Don't reward him. You can't just let that pass","The blind man said, I gotta find his mouth, so I can kick him in the ass" +"My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much","I told them, “Just you wait" +"I went to the doctor about a week back","He said I had a weak back" +"A priest an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says, I think. I might be a type","O." +"What did the football player say to the flight attendant","Put me in coach" +"Acting Mother: I'm afraid our son has decided to take up acting. Father: What's so bad about that. Mother: Well, he's gotten so big that whenever he appears in a play, he crashes right through the floor. Father: Don't worry about it","It's just a stage he's going through" +"Why didn’t the thief have any friends in prison","He robbed people the wrong way" +"Got my girlfriend with my monthly joke (again) It's. OK baby,","I know you're not really mad at me, you're just ovary acting!" +"Why do fish fail in school","They are below the C level" +"Whoever created the updog joke is not real","He made updog" +"Grant was a pioneer of the dadjoke http://gfycat","com/SkinnyVeneratedGoldeneye" +"What time is it. BACKGROUND: I'm a sleep technologist and there's an intercom connecting my office to the patients' rooms. They call out when they need something (eg. blanket, bathroom visit, etc. ) Patient calls out, Hey, what time is it out there. so I replied Probably the same time it is in there, why","The patient was too sleepy to be amused but it made me laugh" +"What did the koala’s fur say when it got a haircut","Eucalyptus" +"Have you heard they've created a special megaphone for babies","For crying out loud" +"How many South Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb","A Brazilian" +"Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil","Because it's pointless" +"Did a reverse dad joke on my dad Me: Why can't I throw out these old physics workbooks from school. Dad: You should keep all of your work, it's your history","Me: No it's not, it's science" +"Why did was six afraid of seven","Seven was a registered six offender" +"An astronaut candidate just resigned, the first time in 50 years, for personal reasons","I guess he needed his space" +"How do you cut the ocean in half","With a sea saw" +"I read the word daring in a thick font","I thought, That's bold" +"Why didn’t the fish tryout for basketball","Because they were afraid of the net" +"Why was the grizzly shy","It was embearassed" +"My grandpa's triple pun This joke holds a special place in my heart. My grandpa told me it and I never forgot it. About 2 years later when I brought it up to him, he didn't remember it. So I told him the joke and he peed himself laughing . At his own joke. Why did the man ask for his eggs Benedict to be served on a hubcap","* Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise *" +"I hate arguments on moving stairs","They escalate so quickly." +"Saw a mobile dad joke. I got stuck behind a trailer, and when I got close I realized it was full of sheep. When I happened to glance at the license plate, it read ewesful this guy is going places. With his sheep","I couldn't get a picture because driving" +"Why did the retired doctor get easily upset","Because he has no patients" +"How many tickles does it take to make an Octopus laugh. Ten. Ten-tickles. gets 'em every time",":)" +"How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello","Konnichihuahua" +"What kind of shorts do clouds wear","Thunderwear" +"I saw a magic show where the magician accidentally changed himself into a pair of glasses","He really made a spectacle of himself" +"How come you cant hear Pterodactyls go to the toilet","Because the P is silent" +"I Dad-Joked my Dad while baking a cake Dad: Shouldn't we get the mixer out to make the batter. Mine: Nah","Let's whisk it" +"Is Africa by Toto a country song","No, it's a continent song" +"Don't do it What happened when Pepper made Salt angry. - Pepper was charged with aggravated assault","XD" +"Wife and. I were driving past a dairy farm, and all she could smell was manure","I guess she prefers a clean dairy air" +"I posted something to","PointlessStories and so far it got one upvote i guess isn't so pointless after all..." +"Why didn't Superman ever need a babysitter as a child","He already had super vision" +"I bought a horse named. Mayo. Sometimes","Mayonnaise" +"What do you call french fries, cheese curd, and vodka sauce","Vladimir Poutine" +"My family didn't have the appetite for my dessert puns. Please to enjoy. Did you hear about the red-headed cookie that broke it’s leg. Gingersnap ************** Did you hear about the cookie that quietly laughs at other cookies’ drawings. Snickerdoodle ************** Did you hear about the dessert that got cast in the bakery’s reboot of Indiana Jones: The Temple of Doom. Shortbread ************** Did you hear about the friends the zombies are making in heaven. Angel food ************** Did you hear about the Mushroom Kingdom princess that abdicated the throne to pursue the shoe repair trade. Peach cobbler ************** Did you hear about the 49th state in the Union legalizing recreational marijuana. Baked Alaska ************** Did you hear about the Bavarian teacher that filled up her blackboard every day. German chocolate ************** Did you hear about the hip New York hotspots for citrus fruits. Lemon bars ************** Did you hear about the mother's sister that really likes her nieces and nephews. Fondant ************** Did you hear about people wagering money on a boxing match in the Arctic between a heavyweight champ and raspberries","Sherbet" +"I saw a man wearing full camouflage gear today","He needs to get his money back" +"My wife got a straw for her drink. When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed My straw has a hole in it","I replied I should hope it has two" +"If I ever open an Indian restaurant","I’m going to name it Curry On My Wayward Pun" +"I once had a job as a telepath","Now, I know what you're thinking" +"I don't know about you guys","But I wouldn't be caught dead with a necropheliac" +"A miner is stopped by the cops and is asked various questions Cop: Whose car is this. Where are you headed. What do you do","&#x200B; Miner: Mine" +"John Month Is the title of the 4th John Wick movie","1 month = 4 Wicks" +"What does a man with two left feet wear to the beach","Flip-flips" +"Did you hear about the voltaic cell that went to court","He was charged with a salt and battery" +"Just got my dad I was eating some cinnamon toast, and my dad walked in. Me: You want some spanish toast without ham. Dad: Well, I would like some of that cinnamon toast. Me: That's what I offered you. Sin jamón toast","Lots of groans" +"What are the main advantages of living in switzerland. Dont know","But the flag is a big plus" +"I was attacked by tiny bees","The experience was belittling." +"Why did Santa buy a replacement cat","Because he started to miss his claws" +"I bought a dictionary from the library and realized someone had ripped out pages from the beginning. They also ripped out pages from the the end","It just went from “bad” to “worse”" +"Ya know Alexander Hamilton never got rid of his used Kleenexes. He said, I'm not throwin' away my snot. Courtesy of my girlfriend's dad","Pray for her as she's about to head out on a weeklong camping trip with this master" +"The inventor of time travel has died in a tragic jousting accident","RIP: 1976 - 1130" +"When does a dog become a sailor","When he embarks" +"My favorite hobby as a kid was building sandcastles with my grandpa","until my mom hid the urn from me" +"Hear about the psychic who uses coconut trees to predict the future","He’s a palm reader" +"My friend Dadjoked someone on facebook today. http://imgur","com/MM69PCq" +"What does the Hamburglar get convicted of. Patty theft","(Disclaimer: Stolen from Pete Holmes, but he's the daddiest non-dad on TV)" +"Just found this gem. Thought you guys might appreciate this. http://imgur","com/E6xZMnD" +"What do you call a monk that loves chips","A chipmunk" +"Got my wife in the grocery check out aisle. When my wife and I shop, she tends to go up and down the aisles, and I'll take a few trips to get hamburger, fish, whatever. So we're checking out and she notices I grabbed a pack of sausages. Wow that's a lot of sausages. Yeah, they were on sale. Super cheap. Sweet. . actually, they're hot. *grinning intensifies* LAME. OH THAT WAS LAME","*maximum grinning*" +"Why was Putin early to the party","Because he was Russian" +"Found out my friend is a hacker","He chopped off my leg" +"My old Vacuum finally broke and I had to throw it out","I’ll miss that sucker" +"I hope the Easter bunny doesn't do what he did last year","He put all his eggs in one basket" +"My dad spent his entire life making clocks","He has a lot of time of his hands" +"I’m afraid of elevators","I’m taking steps to avoid them" +"A cool job that sounds lame: Building ships for the navy","You'd be a subcontractor" +"Dad: I'm feeling down Son: why. what's wrong. Dad: nothing's wrong","I just like how soft and warm it feels" +"A blind man walks by a fish market. What does he say","Hello ladies" +"What is the opposite of a summary","A wintery" +"Apple. Cider is okay but. I prefer. Samsung","Cider." +"I had a pun about insanity but then","I lost it." +"Who is the most fatigued recording artist of all time","Yanni" +"How do you find Will Smith in the snow","Look for the fresh prints" +"My brother texted me that he found orange juice flavored hookah","I asked him to hookah brother up." +"I just told this one. I'm sitting in a conference room with a couple of team members. When people for the next meeting start milling about outside the conference room, some people get antsy and start peering into the room through the window when it's almost time to vacate the conference room","I just joked that it's a new form of peer pressure" +"One time. I got hit by a soda can","Luckily it was a soft drink" +"She texted “halve a great day. ” “Thanks","You/2” *I am not a real Dad but I have one and I’ve studied the art" +"Justice is best served cold","Because if it was served warm, it would be just water" +"A single woman who was 3 months pregnant fell into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awoke and asked the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins. A boy and a girl and they are both fine. We let the brother name them both for you Mother: Oh shit, he's an idiot. What did he name my baby girl. Doctor: Denise. Mother: Oh. That's not too bad. What is my sons name","Doctor: Denephew" +"and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl","They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down" +"I hate to be a party pooper","but when you gotta go, you gotta go" +"Why did the dyslexic mathematician go to rehab","He was struggling with addition" +"Got caught in the shower with a fake turd on my head 'What the hell are you doing with that thing on your head","' 'It's SHAM-POO" +"Driving to the beach with family. Mom asks dad if we brought any water","Dad points towards the Atlantic ocean and says, From what I hear, there is alot of water that way" +"Why did the Skeleton go to the party alone","Because he had no body to go with" +"Her: What do you think of the quilt my mom made for us","Me: I refuse to make blanket statements" +"Got my friend with this the other day Me- So that actress who was in Walk The Line was stabbed and killed last night. Reese, Reese. ummm Friend- Witherspoon","Me- No with a knife" +"A dad joke from my 2 year old 2yr old: daddy come in the house. Me:I can’t honey, the house is small,. I’m too big 2yr old:oh, hi","I’m too big" +"My Dad on snacks. Me: Hey, there's hummus in the fridge, do we have any crackers. Dad: Yeah, there's four of 'em right here. I laugh, he chuckles, my Mom and Brother groan","(Yes, we are a Caucasian family" +"What do you call a fat psychic","A four-chin teller" +"Got my friend today He was talking about cosplays. I interrupted and said What about sinplays and tanplays","Cue a few seconds of silence, then OH MY GOD" +"Why did the snail paint a S on the side of his car. So when he drove by people would say, “Look at that escargot","” You’re welcome" +"I put on my shoes today and started seeing all these colors","I think they were laced or something" +"My dad just git me with these two What did the termite say when he walked into a saloon. where is the bar tender. What did the three legged dog say when he went into the bar. I'm looking for the man who shot my paw. Edit: hit not git in the title","Too fat of fingers for my phone" +"Don't know if this one has been posted, but my dad's favorite. Me: Dad what are having for dinner. Dad: Food. Me: Yeah but what kind. Dad: The kind you eat. Got me multiple times with that one","I must have been a stupid kid" +"What do you call a doctor from Egypt","A Cairo-practor" +"My first (decent) dad joke","Girlfriend oh and my credit card is now disabled Me is it in a wheelchair or on crutches" +"I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches","But I never kiss Intel" +"Want to hear a joke about paper","Nevermind it's tearable" +"Me: “Hey dad what’s the name of the state furthest north in the U","” Dad: “I don’t know, but if I find someone who knows ALASKA ‘bout it”" +"My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with touching pasta","I’m feeling cannelloni right now" +"What's the opposite of cinnamon toast crunch","Antonym toast crunch" +"What's the difference between popcorn and pea soup","You can pop corn but ya can't pea soup" +"Daughter:I have a fear of heights","Son: I suffer from a fear of clowns Mother: My fear is of dying Dad: Italian gangsters-thats Mafia" +"I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all my candy in a hat","And when a guy tried to take the candy from my hat I said, “My hat my candy”" +"Nice ham you got there. It’d be a shame if someone put an. S at the beginning and an","E at the end." +"To be. Frank. I'd have to change my","Name" +"My dad and my tops So this past month my grandfather taught me how to make spinning wooden tops, and sent me home to come up with designs for them. This week I came up with some cool designs and I decided to show them to my parents tonight. My dad had this to say: Dad (looking at the tops): You know you are going to have to take these with you everywhere, right. Me: why","Dad: Because no daughter of mine is going to be going around topless" +"At a restaurant, “I’ll get the Breakfast Wrap please. ” “. Does it rhyme","” I’m ashamed of myself" +"There is a brush burning ban in my area. Wild fires","Does this mean I can still burn combs and hair picks" +"What is Waldo when he goes to bed at night","The boy in the striped pajamas" +"What do you call a Punjabi with an accent like Arnold Schwarzenegger","Turbanator" +"Im not a father but I make dad jokes","I guess I'm a faux pas" +"Calendars are going to be discontinued soon","Their days are numbered" +"My Dad made this joke when I was about 4 years old. He had just caught a hare with his bare hands. Me: How did you do that","Dad: I just lay down on the ground and made a noise like a carrot" +"So. I walked over to a seafood restaurant yesterday. And","I pulled a muscle." +"I made some fish tacos last night","But they just ignored them and swam away." +"My aunt and uncle just had their sapphire wedding anniversary","My uncle gave my aunt a sapphire necklace, with a card that read: *sapphire, so good*" +"My wife and I were doing laundry together. Me: Isn't it ironic that the dryer sheet gets stuck to the clothes","Wife: Nope, it's ionic" +"I just found out Michael Stipe from R. died, and only two people know","That's me and the coroner" +"How does a fern make new ferns","They fernicate" +"What does Al Gore bust out on the dance floor","Algorithms" +"Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off","He's all right now" +"Lowe's: A place for dads At Lowe's volunteering my truck to move some lumber that a friend is using to make his girlfriend shelves. He and I are standing with the boards, distracting her kids while she settles up at the counter. Among the continuous babble from her youngest was I'm thirsty. Simultaneously from three directions around him, my friend and I and a passing Lowe's employee: Hi thirsty, I'm Mike. Hi thirsty, I'm Dave. Hi thirsty, I'm Neil","We all shared a moment while mom shot us the most exhausted and disappointed look I've ever seen" +"How to lazy people exercise","They do Diddly Squats" +"Well, what else would you charge them. Friend (who works in a research hospital): I'm building a bigger 3-D printer Me: So what's your first project. Friend: I should probably print something for the prosthetics department, they're always bugging me for stuff, but the small printer head takes too damn long Me: Well, then you should charge them an arm and a leg Friend: Seriously","Did you really just say that" +"Why can't you tell knock knock jokes about American freedom","Because in America, freedom rings" +"This morning a clown held the door for me","It was a nice jester" +"My daughter said her ankle hurts when she walked on it","I said you should walk on your feet, not your ankles" +"I decided to live more dangerously, so I took the rear-view mirror out of my car","I've made my decision and there is no looking back" +"Not Afraid to Beat My Children At Video Games[. ](https://funnytees. co/collections/gaming/products/not-afraid-gamer","variant=19999742656600)" +"What time is it","Son:uhh 2:30 Dad:If your tooth hurtie than you should go to the dentist" +"He walked right into it. I was playing Kingdom Hearts with my six-year-old last night, when one of the villains was sneaking around and whatnot. I said, Uh-oh, something is afoot. What's afoot. This is","As I lifted my foot toward his face" +"This one has made 5 year olds laugh Q: How can you trust a tiger","A: Because you know he's not lion" +"How do you fix a pumpkin","With a pumpkin patch" +"Some people have trouble sleeping.","but I can do it with my eyes closed" +"My Wife: The 90s Child. Talking with a friend about how she and her boyfriend ran the Disney half marathon a few years back. **Friend:** *Yeah, after we finished we found out that Joey Fatone finished about 10 minutes ahead of us","* **M'Wife:** *So you could say that you were pretty NSync with him" +"Antifreeze. My dad calls it unclefreeze","He thinks it's hilarious" +"A guy tried selling me. Canada. I said. I wasn't having","Nunavit" +"When is a door not a door","When it is ajar" +"What's it called when you make a joke at a dead person's expense","Posthumorus" +"Why is space debris a problem","There's already a vacuum out there" +"What do you call a Nazi WWII vet","A Veteran-Aryan" +"Dad, can we please get a cat for Christmas","- No, we're going to have ham/turkey as usual" +"My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex","He winked at me and said, I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park" +"What did the parents decide in the custody battle of their pyromaniac child","He's arson" +"My buddy got this text and replied other person: call me brandon My buddy: you are Brandon","And you may have the wrong number" +"Dumb uncle A lady is 9 months pregnant and is in a car accident. Turns out she was pregnant with twins and they had to an emergency C-section. She wakes up the next day and asks about her babies. Nurse tells her that her brother showed up and he named them. Fear stricken because her brother is an idiot she asks the nurse to bring in the first one, a girl, nurse tells her that she was named Denise. She thinks to herself well that's not bad. What is the boys name","Danephew" +"Me: Man, it smells like up dog in here. Son: What's up dog","Me: nothin much what about you" +"Got My Brother Today. Ordering at a restaurant he asked if he could have the chicken club. I asked can we all join or is it just you","The waitress just rolled her eyes" +"Did you hear the one about the 3 holes in the ground full of water","Well, well, well" +"There are a bunch of blankets playing 90s music","They're a cover band" +"Just dropped this one on my girlfriend. She asked me to get some Cool Doritos from the shop. I asked, How will I know if they're cool","Do they wear sunglasses" +"What happened when the red ship and the blue ship collided","All the sailors were marooned" +"My wife thinks I'm smart","But why did she call me Alec" +"Every time someone has Swiss cheese. Hey save me the holes","When he gets a look of confusion from a new victim he's double pleased" +"On a road trip with my daughter and arrived at our hotel The receptionist tells us we are upgraded to a suite. I exclaim, Sweet","Then grin and nudge my daughter with my elbow while she groans and rolls her eyes Best part was the receptionist looking at her and saying, Don't worry, my dad does it too" +"What do you call a Frenchman who’s too handsy with the ladies","A crepe" +"Just found out my home state of NH just Decriminalized weed. I guess this will make brainstorming more","HIGHtened" +"Who's best to hire as a bouncer","An Italian woman, because you can't get pasta" +"What's the difference between a rabbit dressed as a clown and a rabbit at the gym","One's a bit funny and the other is a fit bunny" +"Why did the Mexican take Xanax","For Hispanic attacks" +"Why did the. T-Rex only sell handguns","Because he is a small arms dealer" +"Why did the accountant join a cult","Because he found their compound interesting" +"What do gay horses eat. Heeeyyyy","(I'm a dad and I approve this message)" +"Boss told me that as a security guard, it’s my job to watch the office. I’m on season 6 and","I’m not really sure what this show has to do with security" +"This is what. I like to call “Phil. Collins weather”. No. Jacket","Required" +"Nature program dad joked. My dad, step mum and I were watching a nature program. The topic turned to a lake that contained the largest number of wild mussels in the country. Cue conversation: Dad: I went to a party there once. -Skeptical silence- Dad: Yeah, I pulled a mussel . I groaned, step mum rolled her eyes, refusing to acknowledge the joke while dad is cracking up at himself. It took him a good minute to compose himself","(For those unfamiliar with the slang, in England to pull someone means scoring/picking someone up at a bar/club/party or whatever) EDIT cant spell" +"Dogs can't do. X-rays","But a cat scan." +"Where do Scientologists keep their plates","In the L Ron Cupboard" +"What's your best here's a tip: joke","Here's a tip: don't fart in a space suit" +"What do you call it when a monkey refuses to eat","Bananarchy" +"What did the apple say to the cucumber","Nothing" +"My little sister goes to buy a SmartWater. Dad: SmartWater","You better buy it by the gallon" +"My milk warns me when it's going bad","Spoiler alert" +"How did Harry Potter get down the hill. Walking.","JK Rowling" +"A letter for everyone in /r/dadjokes","Q" +"Why did the elephants get kicked out of the swimming pool","They couldn't keep their trunks up" +"I think. I suffer from. Kleptomania","I should probably take something for it." +"‪How did the person who just went around the world and the person walking the dog greet each other. ‬ “Yo","” “Yo" +"Surgeons before used foreskin for eyelid transplants","They stopped because patients always turned out cockeyed" +"Dad, I think we're out of crackers","I guess you could say we are crackalacking" +"My Dad asked what do you call a dog with no legs. It doesn't matter","He won't come to you no matter what you call him" +"The found documented evidence of which knight built. King. Arthur's round table. It was. Sir","Cumference." +"What did the Australian say to the toilet","Bidet mate" +"What causes high tides","Sea weed" +"My dad made a good one on Father's day. So my dad was about to open his presents, and my mom said the red bow is from me and the others are from the kids. So he opened the presents from the kids first, and about 5 minutes later, takes the bow off of the present my mom gave and then started thanking her profusely for the beautiful bow","It took me a second to get it but man it was a good one" +"I really love my furniture","Me and my recliner go way back" +"People are making apocalypse jokes like","There is no tomorrow" +"My leaking sink is making lots of noise. So","I told it to pipe down" +"Working at Costco; we've been doing a sale on fresh baguettes, there has been someone standing by the entrance door promoting it. I proposed a sales pitch that got the Did you really just say that. look","Can I baguette you some fresh bread" +"I was eating garden fresh broccoli with my family. After being the only one who ate some, I noticed that there were two dead caterpillars on the plate, meaning I likely ate a few of them in the broccoli before noticing. My fiance, as soon as I told no one else to eat the broccoli because caterpillars, immediately spoke up and said, Are you nervous about eating those","Because I'm sure your going to have butterflies in your stomach about it later" +"How do you get an elephant in a Safeway grocery basket","Take the s away in safe and the f away in way" +"The other day I got sacked from my job at the calendar factory","For taking a couple days off" +"Grandad joked last night. My grandad comes over for a glass of wine or two every monday and he pours a glass and says to me oh, do you want a glass. i said no thanks, i'm not much of a wine person to which he replied but you whine all the time","he bested me this time" +"Finally a sequel to. The. Office. It’s tentatively being titled “Post","Office”" +"Two men were strangling each other with vegetables","They were practicing their art o’ choke" +"Got my desk-mate today. We moved desks on Monday and today I found a working highlighter which the previous occupant had left under mine","My colleague groaned when I told him it was 'the highlight of my day'" +"Two silk worms got in a fight","It ended in a tie" +"Dad said this to my mom before her foot surgery. Dad: Make sure they don't do surgery on your left foot first Mom: . why is that","Dad: Because you always want to start off on the right foot" +"Every year, I always know exactly what my wife wants for Christmas","It's a gift" +"I tripped over my wife’s bra today,","It was a booby trap." +"Credit where credit is due My brother: Happy Father's Day","My Dad: Thanks, couldn't have done it without ya" +"Cousin's husband from Hong Kong dropped this dad joke on Facebook. Our two-year-old said in five years she will be seven","I guess with the last name like Sum you learn your addition" +"Happened this morning. We were getting ready to leave and my dad says (in his best redneck voice) Okay dude, let's make like a baby and head out","My dad, ladies and gentlemen" +"What do sea monsters eat","Fish n ships" +"How do merchants fight one another","They trade blows" +"Breaking. News:. In the. Atlantic. Ocean a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint","It’s believed both crews have been marooned" +"I heard a rumor about butter","But I don't want to spread it" +"What kind of fish is made out of two sodium atoms","2 Na" +"Where are you allowed to drink and drive","A golf course" +"Why didn't the skeleton dance at the Halloween party","It had **no body** to dance with" +"You're drunk, said the policeman. I said, I'm not, I promise. Can you read the number plate of your car then, please. Not from here, I replied","It's parked seven miles away on my driveway" +"Question: when does a joke become a dad joke","When it has a child" +"President Obama's 2016 Turkey-Pardon Dad Jokes: The Definitive List [from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts] The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty. It is my great privilege — well, it's my privilege — actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon, Obama said. Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys. And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony: Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up. What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey. Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses. I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken. [After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] That's worth gobbling about. We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed. When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran. ' Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers. And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey. (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot. ) And so let's get on with the pardoning","Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood" +"Desperate search at Turkey mine I had no idea they mined for turkeys","You learn something new every day" +"Having a smart watch is really great","Cuz on one hand you have something you can use to answer texts and stuff, but on the other you don't" +"i used to be addicted to the hokey pokey","but i turned myself around" +"Co-worker got me, but it took me a couple of minutes. I was talking about oxymorons with Mick, a co-worker that's about the same age as my dad. I said what about common sense and Microsoft Works . He comes back with What about a stupid cow. That'd be an oxymoron . I walked off wondering if he actually knows what an oxymoron is, and then when I realised he'd dad joked me hard I just","*groan* Mick you bastard" +"My wife just asked me if England had the 4th of July Confused, I immediately replied, No, they don't. She came back with, Of course they do","They also have the 5th, and the 6th, and the 7th" +"What do you call someone who hasn't had their coffee yet","Depresso" +"Why was the skeleton so lonely","Because he ain't got no body" +"I wanted to have a brain transplant. But","I changed my mind" +"I might be a grandpa already Getting in the car with my boys this morning, the 6 year old said, I'm thirsty so I hit him with the old standard, Nice to meet you thirsty, I'm dad. NO. I mean I want water. I give him the water and the 7 year old says, I'm hungry","Who are you" +"Did you guys hear that Buzz Aldrin broke up with his girlfriend","She wasn't giving him enough space" +"My Dad refused to sleep in the top bunk as a child","It kept him up at night" +"sooo. I guess I'm my sister's dad now My sister works with little kids at a camp Me: So what did you guys do at camp during the storm","Sister: We watched *The Land Before Time* Me: Ah, a *timeless* classic" +"What do you call a bison with a great poker face","A Bluffolo" +"What's the first thing you should do when confronted by an evil spirit","Try to neghostiate" +"Why is Batman in such a hurry","He’s gotta go to the Batroom" +"A matador walks into the ring","The bull says, I'm not falling for your bull sheet" +"Why do dads typically bring extra socks to golf course","In case they get hole in one" +"What did the vegetarian say to the doctor","I feel good, from my head tomatoes" +"I was once accused of stealing a subwoofer. but the accusations were *bassless*","I'll see myself out" +"That’s a nice ham you’ve got there, son","It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end" +"What do you call a deer with no eyes","No i-deer" +"Me: Could you tell me what ‘pourquoi’ means. Wife: Why","Me: Because I really want to know" +"On the other side of the fence, next to my dentist's office, is the courtyard of a mental hospital. After my appointment, I was walking back to my car when I heard some of the patients on the other side of the fence chanting, Thirteen. Thirteen. I spotted a knothole in the fence, so I bent over to take a look at what was going on. No sooner had I put my eye up to the knothole when one of them poked me in the eye. I staggered back, cursing and rubbing my eye, when I heard them chanting, Fourteen","Fourteen" +"Delivery. A new dad on my Facebook feed: If you broke up with a former government employee who now works for FedEx, they would be your Ex Fed FedEx Ex","h/t Dave, you know who you are" +"If vocal chords could be grown in a. Petri dish,","Do you think the results would speak for themselves?" +"Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth","It's meteor this way" +"While walking in the office, my colleague pulled me into a room to tell a joke","It's an inside joke" +"Had a good one at the Casino last night Taking a piss in the bathroom, random guy 1 pissing next to me","Random guy 2 enters Random Guy 1: oh shit what's up RG2 happy birthday dude Random Guy 2: Thanks man it's actually my birthday for once Me: I'm pretty sure you've had more than one birthday Many groans were expressed" +"Why did the blind man fall into the well","Because he couldn't see that well" +"My buddy rode up to me on his new bicycle. He says look what I got for my wife","I replied, nice trade" +"What do you call a fat psychic","A 4-chin teller" +"Where do killer whales go to get their braces","The orca-dontist" +"I have a Polish friend who has a job as a sound engineer","I have a Czech one too" +"What's better than roses on a piano","Tulips on an organ" +"Today I asked my dad how he was feeling","He said ‘like a car’ Tired" +"A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says. “Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks. ” He says “why","Are my eyes bulging" +"I’m making a movie about large rabbits flying planes for the US government","It’s called Hare Force One" +"Had a perfect NSFW one on the fly this morning I rolled over in bed hoping to initiate some love with my wife. I accidentally elbowed her nose. She said Ah. You just elbowed my face. I said Sorry, I meant to penis your crotch","Didn't help" +"What are the 2 words that will open a lot of doors in your life","Push and pull" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When it becomes apparent" +"What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic","About half-way" +"Orca joke What did baby Orca's parents say when she brought home straight A's on her report card. (Smh lol)","Whale done Wa wa wah wahhhhhhh Happy Friday team" +"Me: Did you know that abbreviating names might be sometimes confusing. GF: Really. Me: Yes","George Foreman: How so" +"What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu","One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment" +"At the movies a couple of years ago. Me and my dad went to see iron man 2 (I think. I'm pretty sure this is the one with the scene of Thor's hammer at the end of the credits. Well anyway, right after that after-credits scene my dad stands up, stretches, and announces man that scene has me thor all over","Nobody laughed except my father, who continued to laugh all the way out to the parking lot" +"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer","I don’t know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day" +"What do you call a pirate's wife","Arrrrrrlene" +"Why did the surgeon specialize in cojoined triplets","He was hoping to cut out the middleman" +"I just bought a universal remote","This changes everything" +"Spoiler Alert","I forgot to put the milk back in the fridge for days" +"Why does Walter complain whenever Jesus is around","Because Jesus makes Walter whine" +"What do you call a person who tries to get drunk on milk","A coward" +"Does a water bed become more bouncier when","You fill it up with spring water" +"What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo","One's really heavy, and the other one's a little lighter" +"Kid: dad how stars die","Dad: drugs mostly" +"I Did A Dad Joke on My Dad My Dad: I'm looking to find a new job doing security. Me: You should apply to be a security guard at the Samsung store. My Dad: Why","Me: So you can be a Guardian of the Galaxies" +"I love taking a hot shower","You know, like regular shower—but with me in it" +"Have you seen my friend Kelvin. The guy must work out or something","He's an absolute unit" +"What do you call an Asian guy that is always there before he needs to be","Earl Lee" +"Don't you hate when people ansewer their own questions","I do" +"What do you call an eel in two relationships","A polyamoray" +"My dad got me with this one. Me:. You can get rear facing seats as an option on the. Tesla. Dad:","Wouldn't that make it hard to drive?" +"How does a man go for eight days without sleeping","By only sleeping at night" +"I caught my son smoking pot in the garage, and a few minutes later, my wife walked in","She caught my son and me smoking pot in the garage" +"Why are ghosts such bad liars","Because you can see right through them" +"Heard a great subtle joke in the show, The Master of None . Dev: He seems nice. Grandma Carol: I don't like him. He steals our phone chargers. Dev: I don't think thats really a profitable racket","Grandma Carol: it's not about the money; it's about the power" +"Whenever. I come back from a lengthy trip to the bathroom Whew,","I'm pooped." +"Mom: why would you pull the skewers out of the bacon wrapped scallops. That's how they're supposed be eaten","Dad: Something went askewered :) Happy Holidays" +"Hubby got me at dinner :/ Me: I really want to learn how to poach eggs. Hubby: isn't that illegal. Ha","Ha" +"Did I tell you when I met your mother in college she played soccer","She was a keeper" +"Crispy Business I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips. I asked him Are you the friar","He replied No, i'm the chip monk" +"Just Joke Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things","Girl: Your feet" +"While doing yard work, I found a beetle on my glove. Me: Oh, hey, there's a beetle on my glove. Dad: Which one. John, Paul, Ringo, or George. Me: . Ugh","Jeez" +"as im helping my dad work on his old car. me: dad, can you grab me a philips head dad: i think i should probably buy him a drink first. me: . dad continues to laugh until i slide out and grab it myself","**edit:** formatting" +"What do you call an easily breakable diamond","A frajewel" +"What sound does an internet frog make","Reddit" +"My wife asked me, what are your plans today. I said my friends and I are going to buy some glasses. wife: and after that","and after that we'll see" +"My hamster died last night :(","He fell asleep at the wheel" +"Welcome to the plastic surgery addicts group","I see a lot of new faces here today" +"Doctor. I have a patient on the line that claims he's invisible Tell him","I can't see him right now." +"Did you hear they're marketing steroids to the. Jewish community","They call it muscle-tough" +"You can't trust a deli sandwich","They're so full of bologna" +"How do Japanese call a chicken in Thailand","Henthai" +"When is a door not a door","When it’s ajar" +"I asked my son why he didn’t finish his food. He said he thought he was hungrier","“No, you’re Billy, now finish your plate”" +"Why did the model fail her math test on purpose","She wanted to do a make up test" +"I have emo grass","It cuts itself" +"Why couldn't the chameleon change colour","because it had a reptile dysfunction" +"Who is Stan","And how did he get so many countries named after him" +"I drove past a car dealership that had a sign saying “Huge Car Sale” Not sure why","all the cars looked normal size to me" +"Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies","No, just leave it in the carton" +"Nothing is too serious of a situation for him My dad's dad (grandfather) was on the hospital bed, dying of cancer when the nurse came and asked, How do you feel","He promptly replied, With my hands" +"Why wouldn't the geologist get rid of his rock collection","They were sedimental" +"What does a happy dog drive","A Wagin" +"Did you know that kangaroos can jump higher than a house","Houses can't jump" +"Roadkill My wife and I were driving along when she pointed out a dead armadillo in the road, and said armadillo","I replied, I think now it's an aren't-madillo" +"Did you hear about the soldier that went through Pepper spray and mustard gas during the war","He's a seasoned Veteran now" +"I've never felt so proud of myself. So my mom bought a bag of ciabatta bread for sandwiches. She told my uncle and said he can have some","He asked if there was enough and I shouted Yeah, Ciabatta whole bag" +"Today I found out that someone has been adding fertilizer to my front lawn","The plot thickens" +"What’s a cannibals favorite Asian dish","Raw-men" +"Coworker asked if we wanted to join him for lunch. Coworker 1: No thanks, I brought chili for lunch. Coworker 2: Oh, what a coincidence","Because I brought Belize" +"My dad, on utensils: Dad, neither of us are having anything that needs a knife. Why do you always grab one anyway","A fork and a spoon just don't cut it" +"Driving on the highway. Wife: Hey, you just missed a right. Me: Thanks babe. You just Mrs","Right" +"You hear about the midget that got pickpocketed","I never thought someone could stoop that low" +"Whenever I’m sad I just check my blood donor ID card","It always says B positive" +"Before my surgery my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle","It was an ether/oar situation" +"What would Pikachu say if he worked at Little Caesars","Pika Pika" +"What item of clothing does an asthmatic person hate the most","Pants" +"I asked the librarian if they had any books about paranoia","She looked up and quietly replied, “they’re right behind you.”" +"When I order a steak I prefer it pink in the middle. Sometimes red","But that's rare" +"My wife left me because I was calling her Mrs all the time","Now I miss her" +"My 3-year-old son to my wife at story time. Son: Mommy. Do you know who wrote this book. Wife: No, buddy. Who","Son: The author" +"My son drew all over the electrical sockets in his room with a crayon","When I asked him why he did that, he replied “You said I needed a creative outlet" +"I thought I was the dad. My sister was talking about how the Atlantic has shit weather, because it's mad that's it's not as big as the Pacific","My wife replies, it throws temperature tantrums" +"How do you call a crock","Crockadial" +"I am unable to support the fat-acceptance movement","Because they're too heavy" +"- What’s your name, sir. - it’s Lucas, without a “w”. - wait a minute. Lucas has no “w”","- and what did I just say" +"Be careful when buying scottish items","You might get kilt" +"A woman was at a gas station filling her car with gas A woman was at a gas station filling her car with gas. She inserted the nozzle and began filling the car with gas. As she waited for the car to fill, she lit a cigarette and began to smoke it. The car clicked to indicate it was full of gas, and she pulled the filler out of the car. Some gas leaked out of the filler onto her sweater arm, and a spark from the cigarette lit her arm on fire. The woman began to scream for help, and waved her arm about trying to put the fire out. A highway patrolman who happened to be nearby ran over and saw the woman flailing about in pain. Without hesitation, he pulled his handgun out of the holster and shot her three times. A few weeks later in court, the judge asked the patrolman why on earth he shot that woman","The patrolman answers, well your honor, she was waving around a firearm" +"Someone told me I'm always second guessing myself. I don't do that","I think" +"What do you call four bullfighters in a pit of quicksand","Cuatro Sinko" +"My dad and I went to the aquarium Me and my dad were at the aquarium and spotted a sturgeon (a fish). Dad: I wonder where he got his PHD. Me: I don't know, but he probably does brain sturgery","My dad nods his head and we continue through the exhibit" +"Why did the old lady fall into the well","She didn’t see that well" +"If you want, I can draw you, but you’ll have to sit still. I asked if my 5 year old daughter to sit on a bench so “I could draw you. ” She was not impressed with my drawing, after a nearly 5 minute wait. https://imgur","com/a/IMOR4q5" +"Got a new job as a church bell ringer","Only my first day so they're just showing me the ropes" +"People were in line at our grocery store. I asked my 4 year old if he knew why they were lining up. He didn't. They're waiting to buy queuecumbers","He didn't get it :-(" +"There were taxis falling from the sky","It was hailing cabs." +"How much does a wonton soup weigh","2,000 pounds" +"My wife asked for a sharper knife","The other one just wasn’t cutting it" +"What's one thing that will always give you butterflies no matter what","Caterpillars" +"My son today as we're watching infinity war:. Dad. I think know what. Thano's favorite app is","Snapchat" +"What do you call a calculator that works instantly","A calcu-now" +"I’m excited to take my wife to this new musical about puns","It’s basically a play on words" +"What's the best type of cheese to hide a horse behind","Mascarpone" +"What's Hurricane Irma's last name","Gerd" +"How do you distinguish between an alligator and a crocodile","One will see you later, the other will see you in a while" +"I dragged a quart of milk 3,000ft up El Capitan in Yosemite this week I dragged a quart of milk 3,000ft up El Capitan in Yosemite to tell this ledge and dairy joke to my pun loving climbing partner [https://i. imgur. com/vClqWea. jpg](https://i. imgur. com/vClqWea","jpg)" +"I feel awful because. I scolded my son after he gave me my 50th birthday card","But part of me feels justified because one would have been enough" +"Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at the Theatre of Pompey Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone. Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice. Brutus: I ate 2 slices","Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE" +"Why did the House go to the Doctor","Window panes" +"History professor dadjoked us. He went off on a tangent while talking about. Babylon, followed by, Sorry,","I didn't mean to babble on." +"A navy recruit has his first day on a submarine He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope. The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes. The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters. The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. Hey there, says the recruit. is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day. I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes","The crewman says Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts" +"Managed to elicit some groans while watching suicide squad I'd gone to see the movie with my cousins and there's a scene in which croc is doing a lot of push ups. So I whispered to unlucky cousin sitting next to me, he's a member of a gym called crocsfit","That look of pure disgust is what I live for" +"Just got the job as the senior director of the Old McDonald farm","I’m now the CIEIO" +"Did you hear about the goofball that went to the optometrist. Well he fell into the glass grinder","made a real spectacle of himself" +"What do you call it when a bunch of crows accidentally show up to the same place at the same time","A manslaughter" +"What did one earthquake say to the other earthquake","It's not my fault" +"My wife said this one was unbearable Two naturalists spent the bulk of their lives studying bears in the Soviet Union. One was from Czechoslovakia and the other from Poland. When the USSR fell in December 1991 they were both old men, but they were excited about the prospect of finally getting the chance to study grizzlies in America. That following Spring they made arrangements to travel to Yellowstone to finally see the grizzlies. When they arrived and informed the park rangers of their plan the rangers were alarmed, telling the scientists, You can't go now. It's mating season, and the bears are very aggressive. But the former Soviets were insistent. Please, they said, We must go. We've waited our whole lives. We may never get another chance. Realizing the men couldn't be dissuaded, the rangers gave them a radio with instructions to report in with their location every day. The scientists set out, and for several days they reported dutifully that all was well. On the third day, though, they failed to report in. Anxiously, the rangers sent out a search party to the scientists' last known location. Unfortunately, the rangers discovered a bloody mess when they found the men's camp, and the tracks of two bears, a male and a female, leading off into the woods. The rangers followed the tracks until suddenly they came upon the female grizzly, her muzzle still crimson with blood. They shot her and conducted an autopsy on the spot, sadly finding the remains of the Polish scientist inside her stomach. You know what this means, don't you. said one ranger to the other","Yes, the other replied, The Czech is in the male" +"So my boyfriend, Max, drove by a movie theater this morning. No way","IMAX too" +"Got dadjoked by a friend today We were just driving in silence, then he looked at me and said, It grows on you, What does","Moss It made crack up for 5 minutes" +"The worst part of hurting your back. is how you are always wrong after it heals","For instance, every time you get up you just stand corrected" +"Why isn’t the priest allowed to tell jokes during church services","For fear it would create mass hysteria" +"What's the cheapest kind of meat. Deer balls","They're under a buck" +"Got my wife with a classic when she was telling me about her friend. My wife was talking about her friend one day and said, yeah, she has two half sisters. To which I responded, so she has 1 whole sister","There was much groaning" +"I'M. A. TIME. TRAVELER","I travel one second in time every second" +"What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean","I've never had a garbanzo bean on me before" +"Why does Billie Eilish have so much money","Because shes a Billie-naire" +"I used to want to work on the railroad. But","I realized it would require too much training." +"You want to know how to make this Easter holiday easier","Replace the T with an I" +"Many melons are forced to have large wedding ceremonies when they get married","Because they cantaloupe" +"Have you heard the rumour going around about butter","Nevermind, I shouldn't be spreading it" +"This one time I asked a bear to the school dance. She mauled me and said no","I was pretty torn up" +"I blame Mother Earth for all earthquakes","It’s always her fault" +"Every week, at a comedy club I tell a joke about Peter Pan and nobody laughs","The joke neverlands" +"Did you hear a judge caught a man stealing luggage","It was a brief case" +"What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast","A synonym roll" +"Did you hear about the obnoxious constipated guy","He's full of shit and no one likes him" +"Why does the Swedish Navy have bar codes on their ship","So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian" +"My girlfriend told me that sex is better on holiday. Probably not the best postcard","I've received 😔" +"On what side does a chicken have the most feathers","Outside" +"Have you ever heard of a paper joke","it’s tearable" +"A couple of antennas got married the other day","The wedding wasn't anything special, but the reception was great!" +"Another classic from my co-worker. The conversation came up on whether fries are still fries if they are baked instead of fried. (I know appropriate for the workplace) The discussion naturally drifts to fries baked in bacon grease. Fries baked in bacon grease are delicious You could put anything in bacon grease and it be delicious You could put old sneakers in bacon grease and it still be delicious Thats brings a whole new definition to the term soul food. We all walked away shaking our head, but still chuckling","A true classic" +"Duct tape is useful for almost everthing, if only it worked for emotions. Tear-Duct","Tape" +"My brother asked for help on a math problem. I said Don't worry it's a piece of cake","My dad responded No, it's a math problem" +"What day are most babies born","Their birthday" +"Physics teacher dropped this one today What's a physicists favorite food","Fission chips" +"My brother lost a brief argument to a dad joke. Bro: A bike's the only thing you can drive without a license. Dad: That's not true","What about a hard bargain" +"Why do magicians find Viagra so effective","It's great for missed erection" +"I tried chicken farming once, but i was a complete failure","Not sure if I buried them too deep, or too far apart" +"Asked my dad if he could pass the mayonnaise","He replied, Don't you mean the Junennaise" +"I recently joined a nudist colony","The first few days were the hardest" +"Cashier at Target got me I'm buying a few shirts, and he can't find the tag on one","He finally pulls it out of one of the sleeves and hits me with: *I've always got something up my sleeves* He makes eye contact with his mouth agape, chuckling" +"Girlfriend asked how I like my new beard","I told her it's growing on me" +"I'm in dental school. Came up with this one while reading a clickbait ad during class A dentist asked his patient to open wide","What happened next is jaw-dropping My dad loved it" +"Why did the can-crusher quit his job","Because it was soda-pressing" +"Making small talk with my dad, I mentioned I need to get a haircut soon","His reply Which hair" +"Pressure My girlfriend was talking about how she's looking forward to going away and just having some time to herself with no external pressure. I told her she'd still have to deal with 1 bar. She looked confused. I added: 1 bar of pressure","She looked distressed" +"My son likes to tell me to have more patience. I'm not a doctor so I don't need patients. Also hurry up, it's time to go","" +"I can't tell if. I like this blender","It keeps giving me mixed results." +"Why is the Moscow subway so busy","Everybody’s Russian" +"My dad keeps getting angry at me about that time I put superglue on his football","He just can't let it go" +"Did you hear that diarrhea is hereditary","It runs in your jeans" +"Why did the hippie drown","cuz he was tooooo farrrrrrr outtttttt" +"I ordered 2000lbs of. Chinese soup. It was. Won","Ton" +"What do you call it when the fire alarm goes off during sex","A premature evacuation" +"Wait for it. http://i. imgur. com/QaHijAp","png" +"Yesterday, I was bagging my customer's groceries. When I asked, Is it okay if I bag the box of spinach with the toothpaste. She then asked, Sure, does it matter. I then replied, No, I'm just worried your spinach might turn into mint","She didn't get the joke, but her husband did" +"You notice how you don’t ever see rich owls","They all work for an owly wage" +"I've been waiting all my life to post this","This" +"Trust your calculator. ~~It's something to count on. ~~ You can count on it. Edit: 30% more dad added to joke","Thank you u/next2nothing_" +"Spreading the groans around the office Our usual daily meeting wasn't on the calendar today. So my coworker asked me, Do we have an 11 o'clock today. Yeah","Two of them" +"Why do seagulls fly over the sea","If they flew over the bay they’d be called bagels" +"What did the lawyer say to the poop","Sewer" +"My Dad cracked this one out of nowhere How do you make a Venetian blind. Poke him in the eyes","***everybody around groans***" +"For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus","It's the little things that count" +"Driving through Canada","Wife says You can pretty much get anywhere around here from Highway 1 I respond : Yeah, they say it's the #1 highway in Canada" +"Shameful Dad Joke In History class today I made a sad, sad dad joke. We were taking notes and a kid shouted out, How do you spell 'opportunity'. To which I responded by saying, With letters","My entire History class let out a loud groan" +"Why is six afraid of seven","Because seven is a registered SIX offender Ahahahahahahahaha Someone please love me" +"A man witnessed a rapper bite a pepper and start crying, so he asked him, what's making you cry like that","The rapper replied, hellapainyo" +"Discussion with an Anesthesiologist *This happened verbatim on Tuesday afternoon. * Discussing emergency surgery on my one month old son with the anesthesiologist. I said: I hope you have an alternate method for putting him to sleep. He isn't too good at counting back from 100 yet. While the doctor got a good chuckle out of that my wife dropped her head into her hands and said *dadjokes. It's too soon for that crap","* It is never too soon for dadjokes" +"Sent this one to my mom. Long time lurker, first time poster. I think this belongs here. I sent [this](http://imgur. com/iX1VuS7,xzY5tIH#0) image to my mom, then [this](http://i. imgur. com/xzY5tIH. png). Months later, she still brings it up","My texting privileges have been revoked" +"Wanted. A man has been stealing police cars wheels, the police are working tirelessly to catch him","Credit to u/MahicShah" +"Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off","He's all right now" +"Did you hear about the sailor learning his alphabet","He got lost at C" +"What do North Koreans use for measuring liquids","Supreme liters" +"Plane pizza is more expensive than regular pizza","everything on planes is more expensive" +"Why are there so few barbers that will shave your beard","It's quite a cut-throat buisness" +"My wife was naggy with me until I tied a towl round her neck like a cape","Now she's super naggy" +"What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend","He wiped his butt" +"Help, Russia is trying to hack me. What should I do","Edit: Russia good, I think I wrong, please ignore yes yes" +"What's red and bad for your teeth","A Brick" +"My anti-dandruff shampoo worked really well for me","It was head and shoulders above the competition" +"Studies show when car-pooling, when going through a tunnel, people who sit in the back are shown to experience more anxiety","Scientists call it car-pool tunnel syndrome" +"My dad is a man of very few words . but whenever he does say something, it's usually good. So this happened during a post-dinner talk around the table. Background: My sister used to run track at college level and currently works with the elderly. She's also lactose intolerant. Sister: Since the medication Alzheimer patients take usually causes constipation, if I grow old and get Alzheimers, don't waste money on laxatives, just give me some milk","Dad: That'll get you running again" +"How do dogs identify each other","By their bark-codes" +"I like both the Dexter from the cartoon as well as the one from the series. I guess you could say I'm","ambidextrous" +"What do you call prank plastic dog poop","Shampoo" +"Where do drunk sea flowers go","Alcoholics Anemones" +"I may not be the best guitarist","But i don't fret it" +"Dad on fire","So me and my siblings (theres 3 of us) were eating dinner with my dad and we were talking about dad jokes and all of a sudden my dad goes '' I've only made 3 jokes in my life and they are all sitting in front of me''" +"at my fathers funeral. brother: dad looks good, resting peacefully","Me: yea, hes dead tired Dad would have approved, RIP dad we will always love you and your humor" +"I told my seven year old that we were going to the Central Park zoo to see lions. He argued with me that there are no lions at the zoo, but I told him at he would see when we get there","We walked to the big water tank in the middle and I pointed and said sea lions" +"I went to a zoo & the only animal in the whole place was a dog","It's a shitzu" +"Then. God said to. John Come forth and receive eternal life","He came fifth and won a toaster." +"What do you call a forest at a funeral","Mourning wood" +"If Amaya from PJ Masks got caught in the rain","She would turn into a moist Owlette" +"Went to Disneyland yesterday for my birthday As my boyfriend and I were leaving the park there was a friendly gentleman stamping hands for re admittance. In Disney if it's a special occasion you can ask for a button (so mine said it was my birthday and my name). As we walk through he says Happy Birthday and sings me the birthday song which was nice. He then asks if I've ever heard Happy Birthday sung backwards, to which I reply no. He then says to give him a few seconds, takes a few deep breaths, turns his back to us and starts to sing Happy Birthday all over again","goddamit disney" +"What country has the fastest growing population","Ireland, it's Dublin every year" +"I have an electric mirror. Every morning","I wake up look in the mirror and get a shock." +"What do you call a cow with only two legs","Lean Beef" +"My dad is a little nuts, as I was leaving the other day, I sneezed while saying goodbye","He replied: Cashew later too, son" +"I don't often eat steak, but when I do","it's a rare occasion" +"Where did napoleon keep his armies","In his sleevies" +"We still don't know what caused the Notre Dame fire","But Quasimodo has a hunch" +"I got so excited spring was finally here,","I wet my plants." +"Saw 2 guys dressed the same and asked if they were gay","They arrested me" +"Wife yells from kitchen: Babe, we're almost out of trash bags. I yelled back: Well why do you keep throwing them away","I got a very stern look" +"Why can't dinosaurs clap thier hands","Because they're dead" +"Why do hangmen tell the best dad jokes","Because they’re really good at pulling legs" +"What do you call a bee that lives in America","A USB" +"My son wanted to know how he could be sure that I'm his dad, so I told him that I'm not","After you we're born you pooped your diaper so I changed you" +"A guy dropped his iPhone","X from the 16th floor but nothing happened to it because it was on airplane mode" +"I started moonlighting at a late night bakery","I knead a lot of dough" +"I couldn't stop giggling while she just sat there unamused. My cousin brought his girlfriend, Victoria, to our family get-together for the first time. We're sitting around the dinner table and my dad goes, So I gotta ask","Victoria, what's your secret" +"What number is smaller than 5","**^(5)**" +"I'll never forget what my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket","Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket" +"I got food poisoning from a hotdog","It was literally the wurst" +"My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo","That's when I had to put my foot down" +"What did the terrorist say to the pilot with chapped lips","I have a balm" +"My university gave me my graduation cap yesterday I sent my dad a picture with the caption they gave me my stupid hat. He replied That's not a stupid hat, that's a smart hat","Stupid hats are cone shaped" +"My grandfather was a plumber, my dad and brother are plumbers","So if you see me with plumber’s crack, just know it’s in my jeans" +"If there’s one thing that makes me throw up. It’s a dart board on a ceiling","&#x200B; (original: r/jokes)" +"What do anti-vaxx kids play at the pool","Marco Polio" +"What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep","Matt" +"My mom told my dad to come say something positive to me I just had lost a tennis match and my dad promptly walks over, and looks me in the eyes and says Protons","Then he walked away" +"Thought I just saw Shaggy in the supermarket","It wasn’t him" +"What is brown and sticky","A stick" +"What do you call a zombie that loves sports","A die hard fan" +"I don't trust stairs","They're always up to something" +"A cow tried to sneak past a sleeping dragon","Made a nice flaming yawn" +"Me: Doc, I have hearing problems Doc: Could you describe the symptoms","Me: Marge has blue hair and Homer is a fat guy" +"My daughter yelled: Dad, are you even listening","I thought it was a very weird way to start a conversation" +"I have a very large sex drive","About 2 terabytes" +"I heard a really funny joke at our mandatory meeting at work. But when I retell it, no one laughs","I guess you had to be there" +"Someone asked my dad Where do you get your hair cut","Mostly on my head" +"How do you make an egg roll","You push it" +"How do you get a cannibal to eat a salad","Make it with soylent greens" +"What's black, white, and Asian at the same time","A panda" +"I was too rough with my kitchen counter and it broke","I took it for granite" +"What did Huey Lewis say when he visited his chiropractor","I need my hip to be square" +"What is the best month to drink a lot of beer","Febrewery" +"Where is the most unlikely place to play peek-a-boo?","I.C.U" +"Where the emo star wars characters buy their winter clothes","Hoth Topic" +"My friend is an egotistical chef. He’s created this new dish he’s calling his “opus”","But it’s actually just mixed-up soup" +"What do you call two kangaroos who live together. Roo-mates","Somehow this one has never been posted on here" +"A bad workman blames his fools. **EDIT: tools**","stupid keyboard" +"My vegan friend just drank some milk","How dairy!" +"How does Moses make beer","Hebrews it" +"How to walk Step 1","Repeat step 1 if necessary" +"Q:What did the Vacuum say when it saw a couple making out. A: Get a Roomba, you two","Credit to my little sister" +"How do you make any joke a dad joke. Write it down on paper","That makes it tear-able" +"Kim Jong Un’s historic trip to South Korea is the first by any North Korean leader","About time he got on the Seoul Train" +"I've browsed this sub for a long time, but I never post anything of my own or comment","I don't really know what I'm lurking for" +"The doctor said I needed leg braces. I told him I didn’t think I did","But I stand corrected" +"Where does a superhero gets its powers","The Supermarket" +"A boy arrives home from a long day at school . and noticed 3 pieces of meat hanging from the celing upon entering his house. The boy asks his father, What's this about. The dad replies, If you can jump up and slap the meat, you don't have to do any chores for the next month. However, if you miss, you have to do your chores and your brother's chores, along with no video games for a month. Still wanna do it. The boy replies, No thanks, I'm good","The dad responds, I figured you would say that, I did raise the steaks pretty high" +"I'm selling my dead canary","Not going cheap" +"How do you punish a rock","You hit rock bottom" +"I once dreamt of a place made entirely of paper","It was a tearablale site" +"Dad jokes are dumb","I mean really, how is there a subreddit dedicated to jokes just about dads" +"Why couldn’t Mr. and Mrs. Witch have babies. Mr","Witch had a hollow weenie" +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon","Great food, but no atmosphere" +"My wife told me I could never build a car out of spaghetti","You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta" +"Why do I wear American flag briefs","To support the troops" +"My wife just said You weren't even listening, were you","I thought that's a weird way to start a conversation" +"When buying cookware always double check it's non-stick http://imgur","com/zrLdcsm" +"Why was the cowboy riding upside down on his horse","His lips were chapped" +"What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school","Bison" +"Why did the bicycle go to sleep","It was two tyred" +"What is an illegally-parked frog called","Toad" +"Head and shoulders Should make a body wash. And call it Knees and toes","Cracked this gem tonight, have to say it got a chuckle" +"My wife is getting sick of me not cleaning the coffee machine after I’m done","She thinks it is grounds for divorce" +"Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil","Because it’s pointless" +"Why did the umbrella go to the therapist","It had trouble opening up" +"Why did the skeleton not dance at the club","Because he had no body to dance with" +"What is a knight’s favourite food. Swordfish","Buahahahahahahahaha" +"Is there a politically correct way to shop for a CD player for my car","I don't want to judge based on stereo types" +"Have you heard of the movie constipation. No. It’s because it hasn’t come out yet","-A joke told by my 6 year old cousin" +"Final 4 Dad joke. Grandpa: It looked like he traveled. Dad: They all traveled","It's in Texas" +"I decided to name my house “Shape”","Now I can tell everyone I’m always in shape" +"Birthdays and boogers have a lot in common","the more you get the harder it is to breathe" +"How would you go about taking a graft of skin from someone else’s bottom and giving it to someone else","Ass skin for a friend" +"What's colder than the Taliban","Ice-is" +"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy","I don't know, and I don't care" +"Did you guys know that if a woman's egg isn't fertilized, she'll eject it during her next menstrual cycle","Sounds like an ovary action to me" +"What do you call a practice tickle","A testicle" +"I didn't even know that was a thing. I called my parents to tell them that their new decking was going to be 2 grand ($2000). Dad comes back with, what","How could it be too grand" +"Dirty biology dadjoke. So while tutoring a Biology study group, (mind you, they are 18-20 year old guys and ladies I'm 24 and married) I was explaining a hard concept to the group, and a girl exclaimed: Jesusdo, you're hard. Because apparently I wasn't making too much sense. I responded with: Thanks, but I prefer to receive that compliment from my wife though That girl's face went redder than a tomato the same with everyone else's and much laughter was had",":) Edit: autocorrect messed up my username" +"My dad made a Facebook. I was talking about something on Facebook, and dad says, I made a Facebook today. I made my name Nostradumbass. A few seconds later: I didn't really make a Facebook today","but I did come up with that right now" +"What do you call the small piece of cloth that is in charge of all your cravings","Your HankerChief" +"Imagine what would happen if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight","There would be mass confusion" +"My dad, concerning his 10-year-old Motorola Razr he still uses. My phone doesn't have data. It's an orphan. It doesn't have data or a mama","I love you, Dad" +"My ex can't take care of her hen so she gave it to me and asked me to name it. It's my","Stephen" +"We were all out at dinner taking about meats Friend 1: yeah, I used to cure my own meat Friend 2: oh no. What was it sick from","*deafening silence except for me spitting out my bread*" +"Son:These mints taste bad","Dad:Maybe because they aren’t in mint condition" +"What did Beethoven do the day after he died","Started decomposing" +"Daughter: Can you lend me a hand","Me: Sorry, I'm attached to it" +"My son's math teacher called him average","I just think he's mean" +"Dadjoking at the job My co-worker Jose is Guatemalan. We usually joke on each other about our respective races but I refer to him as everything but Guatemalan. Mexican, Puerto Rican, Ecuadorian etc. Today he pulled a stupid move at the end of the day. Jose. Ya stupid Bolivian I'm not from Bolivia. Really Jose","Because I don't Boleev-ya Annoyed anger and squinted eyes were his only response" +"So one day, my wife asked me to clear the table","I needed a running start, but I did it" +"I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon","I’ll let you know" +"I recently got a haircut that. I didn’t really like. But","I think eventually it’ll grow on me" +"My newborn Son is feeling sorry for himself after having problems breastfeeding","He’s milking it" +"Caught my dad off guard Dad: If you put a cat on a copy machine is it a cat scan","Me: No, a copycat He just chuckled, and I could tell he was proud edit: a letter" +"Did you know that Norwegian warships have big bar codes on the side","It's so that when they come to port the workers can quickly scan da Navy in" +"My Husband's First Dad Joke We went fishing today. He was chopping wood and asked for me to keep our toddler away","He didn't want to have an ax-ident" +"Let's talk about the elephant in the room [It's huge](http://imgur","com/a/1q6ia)" +"I'll never be friends with a crawfish or a shrimp","They're just two shellfish" +"I guess I took my wife's last name. The wife got me after our usual after work banter. Me: I believe you're mistaken. Wife: Then you must be Mr. Taken","**facepalm**" +"When does a Bad joke become a Dad joke","When this punchline becomes Apparent" +"Knock Knock Who's there. Your dad. What","You don't recognize me all of a sudden" +"I went to two antenna's wedding last night","The reception was great" +"My friend says to me What rhymes with banana","And I told him No it doesn't" +"Do you know why they say hold your horses","They want you to be stable" +"My Dad on New Years Resolutions Mom: Alright so let's go around saying our New Years Resolutions","Dad: 1080p" +"What’s the name of Draculas vegan cousin","Rucola" +"I asked my 3-year old daughter what she wanted to eat Her: Nothing Me: We're all out of Nothing would you like something else","Her: Banana DAD JOKES SAVE LIVES" +"I find I'm using the titles of Bruce Willis film to finish my sentences","I've tried to stop but I guess old habits pulp fiction" +"How do bats find a home","Echo location location location" +"Just happened. An awkward silence followed until it finally clicked. Friend: *watching TV show called Sunday* I wonder when Sunday ends","Me: 11:59 I think" +"I asked my Dad “how do I avoid the draft","” He said put a sweater on" +"Why did humpty dumpty push his girlfriend of the wall","Because he wanted to see her crack" +"Reddit, what is your favorite ocean","Please, be Pacific" +"Why did the bicycle fall over","Because it was two tired" +"LoTR Dad Joke Legolas and Aragorn walk in to a bar","Gimli walks under it" +"Husband's first dad joke as a new dad. Context: Our 3 month old son had some cotton/fuzz/lint stuck between his fingers from a newer pair of pajamas. I was trying to keep his hands out of his mouth because I didn't want him eating the cloth particles. Husband came out with this: Leave him alone LDJD. He has to get his fiber. Get it, fiber","*groans*" +"Did you hear about the food fight at the Indian restaurant","There were injuries to many naan combatants" +"How did San Diego get it’s name","A guy was walking down the beach, eating a frozen waffle, and he dropped it" +"My wife asked me if. I could stop singing wonderwall","I said maybe" +"My dad said he has a fear of speed bumps","It’s ok though, he is slowly getting over it" +"Why did the Mexican man push his wife off a cliff","Tequila" +"Why did Delta reject the propossal to serve pastries on their flights","Because it was a pie in the sky idea" +"My dad can stand but can barely walk and so was put in a wheelchair in","ER.... a" +"Why didn't the old truck cross the water body","Because it had rust issues" +"Why can’t you see hippos hiding in the treetops","Because they are very good at it" +"What is a bunny's favorite beer","The one with all the hops in it" +"What is a dentist's favorite dinosaur","A flossiraptor" +"I should have known better than to buy cheap paper","It's tearable." +"Bus driver dad joked the entire bus. I was on a bus route headed to Target to pick up some groceries. I was in a hurry so I had opted for the express route. The bus picks up on the part of my college campus where the streets are named after the great lakes. We pass Erie and Ontario, and the bus driver comes over the intercom and says: This bus will be express from Huron out","Everybody groans, the driver has a good chuckle, and I begin laughing like a maniac" +"I forgot how to throw a boomerang, but then","A vegan told me throwing boomerangs is cultural appropriation so I just gave up" +"I've always wanted to swim in a ocean of soda","It's my fanta-sea" +"My wife asked me to grab her purse","I told her that was a purse-onal problem" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It's okay","She woke up" +"How do you say goodbye to a calculus teacher. Calculator","-- ^don't ^hit ^me" +"My dad just pulled this fast one on our family We're trying to plan dinners for the next week and my sister asks what everyone wants for dinner tomorrow. My mom perks up and says, I have chicken breasts that we can use. Nobody really hears her so she repeats herself probably five more time saying the same thing. I have chicken breasts, I have chicken breasts. My dad comes into the room and he just says, Well I feel very sorry for you","and leaves" +"Driving home today with my wife. Me: whaddya wanna do today. Wife: I need to do some catch up work. Me: Ah okay","I’ll do some mustard work" +"I went to my favorite restaurant, and they only had pepper at my table","I'm not too salty about it, though" +"Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles. It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch","And George Harrison" +"Great-Grandpa Rudolph's joke whenever he opened the obituary page in the paper Look at all these people who stopped smoking today","" +"Why is Pavlov's hair so soft","Because he conditions it" +"I ate some alphabet soup last night for supper, I think it may have been expired. Immediately after I felt sick and had a vowel movement","I better be careful because my next dump might spell disaster" +"Why do posts about headlights when it's raining always make lots of karma","Upvote for visibility" +"What did The Cloud say to his long lost friend The Tree","I mist you" +"How to determine the sex of an ant. Step 1. Throw it in the water. Step 2. Observe. If it sinks. Girl ant. If it floats","Boy ant" +"Why can’t dogs get MRIs","Because only Cats-can" +"What do you call a midget party","A little get-together" +"What is a Pirate's favorite letter","You'd think its R but its really the C" +"Got my wife She said this is my favorite Alicia Keys song. My thoughtful reply: Alicia Keys should open for the Doors","Our marriage has been through worse but not by much" +"Why is Font Town so crime ridden","because it's sans sheriff" +"That's a big bee. - me Was it a capital 'B'","- dad \*majorfacepalm\* I still groan about it years later" +"There are three things","I can never remember. 1.... 2.... 3...." +"What do you call a Korean high school girl who flights crime in spare time","Kimchi Possible, obviously" +"Dad If you are at the","Apple store when it gets robbed does that make you an iwitness?" +"You know that guy that created the knock knock jokes","He should win a Nobel Prize" +"My son is afraid of down escalators I told him not to dream of escalators or he'll stay up all night","(True story)" +"It’s biologically impossible for 2 Asian parents to give birth to a Caucasian child","Which actually proves the old saying “two Wongs don’t make a white”" +"What does a panda use to make pancakes. A pan","duh" +"What do you call it when you find your socks","Sockcess" +"Why did the blind man fall into the well","Because he couldn’t that well" +"I tried cleaning my glasses with ketchup instead of water today","It didn’t work, but Heinzsight is 20/20" +"My dad is in his 70s and still makes Dadjokes on point. The family is driving down the highway, coming home from dinner. We pass road signs near the exit, one titled: ADULT SUPERSTORE After a brief moment of silence, my dad says casually, Going to keep driving, we've got enough adults in the car with the 4 of us in here","I'm still chuckling today" +"What did the duck say when he found an avocado","Guac, Guac" +"What's at the bottom of the sea and shivers","A nervous wreck" +"Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth","Then it becomes a Soap Opera" +"How many alzheimers patients does it take to change a light bulb","To get to the other side" +"I can understand 4 feet, 5 feet, 7 feet and 8 feet. But","I can't fathom" +"Well played Kelloggs, well played. http://www. imgur. com/jXq4gF9","jpeg" +"What do you call a tree you can hold in your hand","A Palm Tree" +"Security at. Los. Angeles. International. Airport was very chill. I guess it was","LAX." +"A monkey got his tail stuck in a lawnmower","and says, Well, it won't be long now" +"Why did the ghost go into bar","For the boo-ze" +"Mom got me good today A little back story: I drove to NYC a few years ago when I was 19 and ended up getting my car towed because I was illegally parked. Ever since then, I've been wary about possibly parking illegally. Today, I met up with my girlfriend at a museum and then left my car in the museum parking lot when we went to go see a movie. I was worried about my car possibly being towed so I texted my mom asking her what she thought. http://imgur","com/SQLRUA2" +"True story:. During a large dinner my son said that he was addicted to the gravy","I told him the best way to break that addiction is to quit cold turkey" +"My dad has knee problems from working for 35 years He's retired now, and has since taken injections that have helped him retain his mobility. The weird thing about medical science is that the injections came from a compound found in the caper of a rooster","My dad can walk now, but we can't understand him since he became a Cocknee" +"What do you call a moose that wants to stay hidden","An Anonymoose" +"Where do pirates put the French accent mark cedilla","Under the sea" +"A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage","But the photon say Nah, I'm travelling light" +"What do men with fedoras call female postal carriers","Mail ladies" +"Why do chicken coupes have two doors","If they had four they would be a chicken sedan" +"Dad, I know how to stay awake for 8 days. It's easy, I just sleep through during the nights. *(disclaimer -- this dadjoke was delivered deadpan by my daughter","She is truly becoming a master)" +"I buy guns from a guy named. T-Rex","He's a small arms dealer" +"What did the deathrow inmate dad call his last supper","Ciao time" +"I got a six pack for my wife. Best trade","I ever made" +"I have sex almost every day. Almost on. Monday, almost on","Tuesday..." +"My math teacher took away my rubber band shooter today","He said it was a weapon of math disruption" +"I️ think I’m addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers","My doctor wants me to quit, cold turkey" +"I used to refuse to believe that my son got fired as a road worker for theft","But when I got home, all the signs were there" +"My former friend said he liked. Formula 1 but not. NASCAR","I just can't be friends with someone who's raceist" +"We were driving down the hills and the brakes stopped working","Dad: I guess we're going downhill from here" +"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face. Rhino","We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn" +"Every time we crossed the railroad Dad-Oh a train must of just went by. Me-How can you tell","Dad-Can't you see the tracks" +"The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg","but Nefertiti" +"Why did the house go to the doctor","It was having window panes" +"Ordered some bass in a restaurant, but. I had to return it because the fish they gave me was full of diarrhea","Sick bass turds" +"A farmer asks a scarecrow if he likes his job Well. introspects the scarecrow, this job isn't for everyone. but hey","it's in my genes" +"Been a dad for a while. You should really think about getting your missus a refrigerator for Valentine's Day","Watch her face light up when she opens it" +"I used to be a member of the secret cooking society","They kicked me out for spilling the beans." +"What country serves the oiliest food","Greece" +"Got my coworkers today. My coworker made me a wooden pen for a secret Santa thing at work. After the exchange we were talking about how he is new to it, so he can only do smaller, simple stuff. Someone walking by overhears and asks him Oh you do woodworking. without hesitation I say only a whittle","Needless to say that they just glared at me" +"My girlfriend showed up to the gym an hour after me","I told her: “I’ve been weighting”" +"My dad handed me an unfinished picture of a pig. Me: why didn't you finish the drawing. Dad: Because I ran out if oink","I fell for it guys" +"A realtor showing a house to a couple says: “This is the sun room","” The man goes, “Ok great, now where do I put my daughters" +"This sub can be a good ice breaker. http://imgur","com/9gYByKd" +"What my father said after the cashier asked him if he'd like to donate $1 to promote literacy No thanks","I already know how to read" +"Why couldn't the bicycle stand on its own","It was too tired" +"Did you hear about that Chinese Doctor who was only treating communists","He was sued for Maopractice" +"I called the police to remove some carrots from my fridge","They were disturbing the peas" +"In the south, we like our kids just how like our burgers","inbred" +"I used to have a problem with grammatical tenses","But not yet" +"You know what's not right","left" +"For those of you who aren't very humorous","You should arm yourself with more jokes" +"I visited. Oklahoma recently and a friend asked me how it was. It's","OK" +"What's the best thing about living in Switzerland","I don't know but the flag is a big plus" +"Where does a BLM advocate stay while on a vacation","ACABN" +"Went to donate blood yesterday. I asked the guy what my blood type was","He wouldn't tell me, just kept telling me to Be positive" +"“Doc, I feel dizzy, I have a headache, and I feel weak. ” Doctor: Flu","Me: No, I took the bus" +"The Parachuting Yesterday after work: Dad did you hear about the Paris shooting. No I didn't hear about the parachuting, who went parachuting. No Dad the Paris shooting. Yeah I have no idea what parachuting you're talking about","I still don't know if he was messing with me" +"I just bought a replacement tire for 20 bucks more than I had paid for the old one which had gone flat","Damn inflation" +"At work. I dropped a bucket filled with mussels","Co worker asked geez have a muscle spasm?" +"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom","The p is silent" +"Why don’t you play poker on a ranch","That’s where they raise the steaks" +"What kind of fruit isn't allowed to marry","A cantaloupe" +"Dad dadjokes me so hard Me: dad can I please watch tv","Dad: sure you can watch it, just don't turn it on" +"My wife told me our dogs technical color is called Fawn So you would say he's one fawn son of a bitch. Groaning, she leaves the room","I thought it was funny" +"Did I ever tell you about the hard-working mechanic who had to push his car five miles on its hubcaps","He was tireless" +"I was audibly boo'd me after this one Last night I was at a bar with a couple buddies and a girl I've been seeing (we'll call her Melissa). We're playing 2v2 pool and I'm on Melissa's team when my other buddy shoots and misses. Being fairly new to pool, Melissa perks up and says Is it my turn","To which I said That would be your cue as I handed her her pool stick" +"Where do worn out noses go to get repaired","to the Olfactory" +"I was trying to get my daughter up for school. Me: ok, you need to move to the shower now. Me: M-O-U-V-E Daughter: That's not how you spell move. Me: Wrong, it's the move with U in it","Now go" +"My dad has the heart of a lion","and a lifetime ban from the zoo" +"When I was a kid, my dad used to roll me down hills in tyres","Those were goodyears" +"Music Instructor Dadjoked a friend of mine Saw it on my twitter feed. Friend: That really cool moment you find out your grandfather ran the Daytona 500. Instructor: He ran it","Aren't you supposed to drive it" +"A fish wanted to be a. Radio. Announcer","But he finally went on air, he died" +"Dad Joke at the Mall I was recently walking in the mall with my girlfriend. We passed by a storefront that was under construction. They were obviously getting ready to hang the name of the new store. There were some cones, some construction debris, and a wet paint sign. She pointed to the sign and asked, What do you think that is going to be","I replied, Dry paint, I guess" +"With a pandemic happening, I said to my nurse friend: Stay safe","Their response: “You, too; stay negative" +"Why did the jealous coroner kill his girlfriend","(Dark, obviously) So he cadaver all to himself" +"My 2 yr old kinda dad joked his dad It's a little silly to us but thought I would share anyway. Our son isn't able to pronounce his own name yet but calls himself Baby (Baby, eat, Baby night night, Baby peepee, etc). Anyway, our toddler was just hiding under the bed and bonked his head. My husband looked under the bed and asked, [toddler], are you okay. Toddler replied, No, Dada","Me Baby" +"I don’t understand how people build roofs","It’s all over my head" +"Got my gf Her: Who is Will Smith's wife. Me: Mrs","Smith Followed by that look and a groan" +"I heard that they figured out how to break down and process corn and make it into plastic-like furniture","Soon you will be able to purchase your very own veggie-table" +"I asked my. North. Korean friend how life was going","He said, Can't complain" +"Pops dropped this one after I got in the car and told him I really needed to pee Why didn't you F'n pee in Pf changs","Of course, he then chuckled on and off for the next 10 minutes, repeated it, and mentioned how that was a good one" +"I dont trust stairs","They're always up to something" +"They put up an out of order sign on the washroom door","Or, as they call it, a no-defecation notification" +"is Jeff here. Jeff: Yes","Geoff: YEOSS" +"I asked my dad if he had ever played the game Amnesia","He said I can't remember" +"To the person who invented zero","Thanks for nothing" +"Came home to a bad one. I walk into the kitchen to see my dad cleaning the microwave","Dad: your brother exploded an egg in the microwave Me: wow, what an idiot Dad: hey be nice to him, he's pretty shell shocked" +"I was talking to my dad about my height. Today I was talking to my dad about my height and he said Well you do have quite big genes","and I replied I have to, otherwise my legs wouldn't fit" +"I’m the principal of a school called St","Richard So I guess you could say I’m the dickhead" +"Looks like November is","Nowember" +"What do Brits think of European driving","It's all-right" +"Made a bad one to a friend of mine. Friend: I can literally count on one hand how many times. I've smoked. Me:","I think you mean * Fingeratively *" +"Saw a guy riding an amusement park ride alone today. I wonder if he still said weeee. , or if he said meeee","instead" +"[META] In the coming year or so, the Domain www. Jokes","Dad will become a thing Can we make sure one of us buys it and makes something magical and Full of dad jokes for it" +"My daughter is turning 6 soon","She is gonna be 9." +"Somehow my daughter spilled apple juice in her hair. She's fine now","I put a Bounty on her head" +"Why did the scarecrow win an award","Because he was outstanding in his field" +"How did the pirate manage to graduate high school","He wasn’t the top of his class, but his grades here in the high C’s" +"What do you call a deer with no eyes","No-eye-deer" +"What's blue and not heavy at all","Light Blue" +"MY DAD: You know what a paradox is. ME: What","MY DAD: 2 doctors :D ME: -______-" +"Dadjoked my wife and the nurse moments before my daughter was born My wife and I welcomed our new daughter this week. The wife wanted some classic rock while she was pushing. We were all there, the doctor, the main nurse (with whom we were joking all day long) and a few other nurses. This was *the* moment of truth. Suddenly, the Scorpions' Rock you like a hurricane comes on, and my wife exclaims: This is exactly what I need to pump me up. She is going to be a Scorpion. To which I replied Actually, she'll be a Sagittarius The nurse looked at me surprised, cracked up, the wife rolled her eyes, and a few breaths later my daughter was born","I have never been prouder to be a dad" +"I told my son about the most important vitamin for friendship","B-1" +"I just ordered 2,000 pounds of. Chinese food","It was wonton." +"My dad's starting a new dating service for people who live in. Eastern. Virginia. He's going to call it. Chesapeake","BAE" +"My husband was cooking a pot of stew and I asked him how far away dinner was","He replied, oh, about 2 feet" +"I want to learn how to juggle","But I'm too afraid things would get out of hand" +"Global warming doesn't worry me","It's global cooling that gives me shivers" +"Dad, will you make me breakfast. Poof. You're breakfast","Dad-magic" +"Did you hear about the black guy who accidentally bleached his skin","He's all white now" +"My Boss is a Dad Today my boss, who is white, was talking to our book keeper tell her that he was going home for the dad because he is feeling sick. The book keeper told him yeah you look bad you have no color in your face","With lighting fast dad reflexes he quiped, that's be cause you're looking at these guys all day Me and my coworker are both black and groaned appropriately" +"I accidentally butt dialed my ex last night","I swear it’s the only booty call I’ve ever made" +"Where can you buy quick escapes","At the flee market" +"My father passed away in December. Here's one of his favorites. Every time we had cornbread for dinner he would say, pi r squared. Pie are not squared, pie are round","Cornbread are squared" +"Dadjoked by my boyfriend. Boyfriend: How's work. Me: Boring. Boyfriend: You sure it's not Boeing. I work at an airport","He's not even a dad and it's already starting" +"When does a joke become a Dad joke","When it makes itself apparent" +"Why does a guy only need one rooster","[nsfw] A cock a dude’ll do" +"How can you tell someone's a stress eater","They've got a lot on their plate" +"A Dad walks into a bookstore and says, “ Can I have a book by Shakespeare. ” “Of course, sir, which one","” Dad: William" +"Eating garlic knots with my dad when my little sister asks where they originated from Dad: Flour. Little Sister: No, like where were they first made","Dad: The oven" +"Some people cause happiness wherever they go","Others, whenever they go" +"Did I ever tell you about the guy milking a cow. A fly flew into the cow’s ear, and a few seconds later, him milked out the fly","But ya know what they say, in one ear, out the udder" +"So my boss dadjoked me at work today. He came in my cubicle fuming mad and said I can't believe that pig gave me a ticket To which i replied, What happened. He retorted, I was driving down the road and this cop was tailgating me. He was right up on my bumper, when I hit a pigeon. The pigeon hit my windshield, flipped over my car and landed on the cop's hood. The jerk flipped on his lights and pulled me over and gave me a ticket. I asked, What on earth did he give you a ticket for","My boss leaned in with a sly smile and said, because i flipped him the bird" +"My Brother just texted me saying he felt bad because his friends from California are saying he grew cold and distant","He’s currently getting a masters degree in Alaska" +"Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper. Never mind","it's tearable" +"My friend has a weekend dressing up as a disney princess Today she's being a rather well known blonde from Frozen , working outside at a festival in the wind and rain. She sent me a picture of herself dressed up and looking a bit miserable, to which I replied: You look like you'd rather be somewhere","ELSA" +"I've started a business making boats in my attic","Sails are going through the roof" +"Why haven't Aliens visited our solar system","They looked at the reviews and we only have one star" +"My dad tried to pay for something by singing. Ring of. Fire but they didn't accept","Cash" +"My boyfriend got frustrated while I was trying to choose a pair of shoes. Him: just pick any pair. It's not like they have feelings Me: But they do have soles","We both groaned" +"I got a new adjustable standing desk","It’s brought my gaming to new heights" +"I never liked my index and middle fingers but","I’ve made peace with it." +"What do you call a chicken from space","An eggstra terrestrial" +"My son asked me, How come there is a Father's Day, but not a Son Day","I replied, Hey, there is a Son Day every week" +"(Xpost from r/me_irl) 5 year old dad joke https://i. imgur. com/rrFViXT","jpg" +"My father comes out with crap all the time, but this one is something else. 'Did you hear about that shooting in Hounslow. Yeah, they closed the shop and everything: some guy had a starter pistol and was threatening to shoot everyone. ' <the sound of my mother and me shocked and putting on BBC News> 'The police said it was race related","'" +"Do you know why one side of the V formation geese fly in is always longer","because there's more geese on that side" +"Why was","Yoda afraid of 7 7 9 8 because." +"Why did the mexican gang fail","It only had Juan member" +"Why are ghosts so fat","Because they're scared to exorcise" +"Did you hear the about the restaurant on the moon","It had great food and all, but it had no atmosphere" +"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is","No sun" +"I got dad joked by my 3 year old. Not sure how I feel about this. Found a really nice picture on Reddit of an eyeball that somebody drew. My wife's pretty artsy, so I showed it to her. Wow, she says, Is that pencil","No, my daughter says, That's an eye" +"A cheese factory in. France exploded. Da","Brie is everywhere" +"Why couldn't the two fruits get married","Because they cantaloupe" +"National. Geographic: Nearly 3/4 of our planet lies underwater","My dad: I wonder what it is about water that makes people so dishonest?" +"Which civil rights leader was the most exfoliated. Dr. Martin. Loofah. King,","Jr." +"The jokes about anti-vaxxers are getting old","Unlike their kids" +"At the local cafe, the waitress always calls me hun","I don't know whether it's because she likes me or because I dress like a fifth century nomad" +"What do all Minecraft trees have","Square roots" +"There was a boy who really liked tractors. Tractors were his biggest hobby. He had lots of toy tractors and on weekends he would go and watch the farmers drive their tractors around in the fields. As he grew older, he still liked tractors, but not as much because he started to find other interests. When he turned 20 he met a beautiful girl and fell in love. One night he decided to take her out for dinner to a local restaurant. As they were eating, the whole room started to fill up with smoke. Everyone was panicking so he jumped up and said calm down, I've got this. He stood on his chair and sucked in all the smoke in the room, then walked outside and blew it all out. When he returned back into the resturant, his date said to him oh my god how did you do that","To which he replied: I'm an ex-tractor fan" +"At a graduate seminar on operating systems Professor: This paper is comparing Windows Vista performance against Windows 7 in the wild, but it makes no attempt to control for hardware, so it's not an apples-to-apples comparison. Me: For an apples-to-apples comparison they'd need to compare OSX and iOS, wouldn't they","(Yes, I really said this)" +"There’s this corn on the cob stand that. I really like, but it started making ads","That were really corny" +"she walked right into this one. http://i. imgur. com/JmK3gz1","gif" +"Buying a new car. My dad and","I were at a car dealership and the car salesman came to us and held out the key to show us the car and said 'Lets look at it' and my dad said 'Wow it is a very shiny key'." +"I went to the dentist yesterday. I went to my dentist yesterday, and after about a half an hour of cleaning and filling I finally could go home. Before I left he stopped me and said, Hey man, you better lay off the sweets, you'll get cavities. I scoffed and replied, I'll be fine doc. Today I took a bite into my third chocolate bar and suddenly a jolt of pain shot from my tooth, OW MOTHERFU-- I went to the dentist again, running inside","He turned to me and smirked, The tooth hurts, doesn't it" +"What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college","Bison" +"Told my wife a cracking damn hell good Star-Wars joke","May divorce be with you" +"Why don't this year's 9th grade high school students need glasses","Because they are the class of 2020" +"3 Clowns were stranded on an island and had to resort to cannibalism","One said to the other, “this taste funny" +"Last night I was at a pub when an older couple walks in The boisterous husband proceeds to go up to the bar and tells the bartender, I heard you don't serve women here. The bartender, who was also a woman, took a second to make sure she heard what he said. But just before she was able to correct him, the man exclaimed with a shit eating grin, . so i brought my own","His wife's groan echoed throughout the room" +"Why is a good dad joke like good sex","They tend to make eyes roll" +"So I watched a show last night about how ships are held together","Riveting" +"What do you get if you cross jelly with a helicopter. A jellycopter","A joke my daughter told me when she was about 6" +"A football player went fishing the other day","But he forgot to bring his tackle" +"Overzealous is my favourite word. And it ought to be your favourite, too","It really ought to be" +"A thief thought it would be funny to steal. Si from the periodic table","It was a silly con" +"sister asks my dad what the difference between wanton chicken and regular chicken is","Dad- Nothing, that's just the weight." +"What do you call a snake with a lisp","A thnake" +"My first dad joke. So I was laying in bed feeding my 2 week old son. My dog was leaning against me and started itching a scratch, causing my son and I to vibrate","In other words, my son had his first milkshake" +"How do you tittilate an Oscelot. You oscillate its titsalot , told to me by my 4 year old niece who asks whats tittilate","heh" +"How many months have 28 days","All of them" +"Hey Siri, I'm bleeding really bad. Can you call me an ambulance. [From now on I'll call you An Ambulance, OK. ](https://pbs. twimg. com/media/C8Aom2kXQAA87YS","jpg)" +"My son and I were walking to the ice cream shop when we approached a crosswalk. I asked my son what are we looking for before we cross the street","Ice cream he says" +"This Pumpkin Spice seasonal drink worship is almost at a religious level and I don't buy it","I guess that means I'm eggnogstic" +"My ex-wife called to tell me that “my son” was arrested for setting a house on fire","I said Arson" +"My tree was cut down today","I bet he was stumped" +"Police have arrested the world tongue twister champion","they say he will be given a tough sentence" +"My husband dadjoked his college class. He teaches a class where students were doing book reports. One had done one on Stephen King's *Doctor Sleep*, the sequel to *The Shining","* The student mentioned that the main character, Danny Torrence is now an alcoholic, and from the back of the room husband goes, Does he drink red rum" +"You da bomb. is a compliment in the West","And an argument in the Middle East" +"Why can't a bike stand on its own","It's two tired" +"My wife and I decided we don't want kids","The kids are taking it pretty hard" +"Who is the least self-assured rapper","Tupac inshakur" +"NSFW What's the difference between a frog and a horny toad","A frog says: Ribbit, ribbit and a horny toad says: Rub it, rub it" +"What type of luggage speaks in short sentences","A briefcase" +"Do you want to hear my joke about a trumpet. err","ahh I blew it" +"If money doesn’t grow on trees","then why do banks have branches" +"Conversation with my Dad via text message * Me: I'm picking up pizza, are you hungry. * Dad: No, I'm Dad. * Me: You're hilarious * Dad: Wrong again Matthew, I'm Dad. * [I Walked right into it](http://imgur","com/vRu9iNi)" +"I don't get why people are excited about Pi Day","It's completely irrational" +"What do you call a magician who has lost their magic","Ian" +"[x-post /r/jokes] Why did the blind woman fall down the well","Because she couldn't see that well" +"Did you hear about the woman who made a belt out of watches","It was a total waist of time" +"Saunas used to be the place where men talked business","There were heated discussions" +"Why are gay people always smiling","Because they can't keep a straight face" +"Roses are red. Roses are red. Violets are red. The grass is red. The fence is red","OH SHIT THE GARDEN'S ON FIRE" +"I don't always tell dad jokes. But when","I do; he laughs" +"I have a problem with my new anorexic girlfriend","I'm starting to see less and less of her" +"I dropped this one on a kid in my music theory class He asked if he would be able to skip his math class for a choir performance. I told him to tell his teacher it was re-choired","A collective groan was let out amongst the class" +"My friend will be a great dad I'm an Asian and my friend and I have AP Calculus together and he sits right next to me. I had trouble with a derivative and our conversation went along the lines of: **me:** I don't know how to do this derivative. **friend:** Well you see, you're Asian so you're bad at *deriving*","**me:** *groan^1000 ^hot ^fiery ^suns*" +"Saturday and. Sunday are the strongest days","All the other days are just weak-days" +"Why was Jesus so ripped","He did Crossfit" +"What do you call it when Arnold Schwarzenegger sings a song with someone. Duet. Duet Now",":-)" +"What is the only word in the dictionary spelled incorrectly","Incorrectly" +"Why did the farmer cross the cow","To get to the udder side" +"My dad was at a burger joint The cashier asked him, Hold the onions. My dad wittily replied, No thanks, they are probably really hot. Keep in mind this is the same dad who blurted out [this](http://www. reddit","com/r/dadjokes/comments/33j06h/my_dad_stopped_at_mcdonalds/) gem" +"What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature","Tequila Mockingbird" +"I purchased a new kitchen sink and the delivery man never told me he left in on my doorstep","Sat there all day Just let that sink in" +"A book from the library. So, I borrowed a dictionary from a library, and I saw that it's front pages, and back pages were ripped out","It just went from bad to worse" +"Have you ever heard the story of the train conducter who derailed, no","Off course you don't" +"I told my friends a joke I heard at my mandatory meeting at work, but no one laughed","I guess you had to be there" +"A truck carrying toupees crashed on the highway,spilling everything","Police are combing the area" +"What is E. Short for. Because he has short legs","My dad answered every joke like this from the Christmas crackers instantly and laughed at every one" +"If a boat is on trial for crashing into a dock. does it get a jury of its piers","Because that seems a little unfair" +"What do you call an Iranian cat","Purrsia" +"I've got a Riddle for you","Voldemort" +"I did a 190 pound dead lift","Out of bed this morning" +"Dad jokes","Then he laughs" +"This guy at work asked me for a cigarette lighter… I said, “Of course, give me your pack. ” He handed over his pack of cigarettes and I took one out and gave it him back saying, “There you go. ” “What’s that. ” he said all confused","I said, “It’s a cigarette lighter" +"Just finished dinner with my parents My mum said 'I'd better clean up and give my sister a ring'","Dad, without missing a beat - 'Tell her to buy her own'" +"Nothing interesting ever happens on Sunday","It's basically just a glorified weekday" +"I pulled this one on my son when I took my shoes off. Son: Your feet smell","Me: How can my feet smell if they don't have a nose" +"Me to my daughter - I've made something amazing. It let's you see through the walls. Daughter (super excited) - what is it, what is it","Me - A window" +"Why wouldn't the bicycle stand up on its own","It was two tired" +"What do you call a stroppy teenager who says they'll run from home but never do","Brexit" +"Never saw my boss as a father figure until now. I was stocking the shelves of the store, when a customers asked if we carry a certain brand of protein powder","I informed him we do not and he asked to see my boss who he complained to, afterwards my boss handed me the customer complaint form he'd filled out which read Customer very upset that he didn't get his whey" +"Underage drinking is a massive problem in my house. My son's been drinking whisky that's only aged for two years","&#x200B; He's the dumbest thirteen-year-old I've ever met" +"They've invented a phone that's powered by infinity stones","It runs on thanOS" +"What do you call a fake noodle","An impasta" +"I bought a thesaurus today, only to find all the pages were empty. I have no words to describe how angry","I am" +"I dadjoked. my dad. He took one of our 100 pound labrador retrievers to the vet and texted me to bring the other (less hassle). I pull up next to his car in the parking lot. Before I let my dog out of the back of my truck I turn to him and say I normally do my dog deals at night. Less witnesses. I'd like to say he sighed and drove off. Instead he asked what I was on about. I explained the joke to which he said, I raised you better","You're supposed to say $10 a gram or 10k for the whole lab" +"Waiting at the doctor with my dad. We're currently sitting in the waiting room at the doctors. My father went to grab one of the magazines on the table. He took one that's called Bunte , which is German for colourful . He opened the first page and said: Nah, that's too colourful for me","Which is a German quote used when somebody had enough of something" +"I swallowed 2 pieces of string and 2 days later they came out all tied together","I shit you knot" +"Why can't you ever trust fishermen","Cause they all selfish" +"I got my daughter earlier today","I'm about to sign the adoption papers!" +"You know I wrote a song about a tortilla","Actually, it was more of a wrap" +"What sound does a 777 make as it lands","Boeing Boeing Boeing" +"I was gonna get a brain transplant","but the I changed my mind" +"Origami masters make for terrible poker players","They always fold" +"My wife asked why toddler has been infatuated with rocks","I told her that it's because he's afraid, but with the rocks he feels a little bolder" +"My 3 year old daughter was diagnosed with strep throat today. I absent mindedly let her kiss this evening, so I went and washed my lips and swished some whiskey for good measure","I know its only 35% alcohol, but I figured it was worth a shot" +"Did you know that chickens evolved from dinosaurs","They're a pecks predators" +"6:30 is the best time on the clock","Hands down!" +"Dad writes for The Economist One long groan while reading this week's issue: http://www. economist","com/news/europe/21703378-towering-birthday-gift-norway-finland-excuse-bad-puns-peak-diplomacy" +"If a child refuses to sleep during nap time","are they guilty of resisting a rest" +"I got my fiancé good with this one We're making shrimp scampi, which is a rare treat in my household. She handed me a bag of shrimp and said take the tails off these while I start the rest . I looked her dead in the eye and said, So you're putting me on shrimp de-tail","The silence that followed was priceless" +"What is a great english brew","Quality" +"Got to Dadjoke my Dad today. Dad: So remember to send yer old man a text with some frequency. :) Me: 1 kHz Dad: Ok","I'll take it" +"A customer handed me an open box of kureig latte makers and said it seems someone stole some of these out of the box","I said It seems like they wanted those a latte" +"My daughter was telling me about her new boyfriend Me: What's his job. Her: He's a professional tennis player Me: You should really break up with him now then. Her: Why is that","Me: Because all tennis players think love means nothing" +"What did the rabbit say to the lettuce","Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots" +"Did you hear about the new Aladdin movie staring on a ship","I heard it's in a hull, new world" +"My sister doesn't find crab appealing My sister was talking about sea food, how she tried crab but didn't find it appealing. I told her if you're looking for appeal, you should try a banana","She smiled while I laughed" +"Knock knock Who's there. I Eeep I Eeep who. You eat poo","Ok I know it's not the normal format of dad joke, but I have been roasting kids with this one for years" +"The Ultimate Dad Joke Duel [College Humor] [Sorry if this has already been posted](https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=YXDh-1dvkNs)" +"Did you hear about the unlucky man on the North Pole","No matter how hard he tried, things would always go south" +"What do you call a significant other you met online","e-Bae" +"Keep cow's off escalators,","You don't want to raise the steaks." +"Diabetes medication has a profit margin close to 1000%. Now that's just","Insul(t)in'" +"What do you call tunnels in the Phillipines","Fallopian Tubes" +"Funeral Choir My dad works at a church, and stopped into a birthday celebration for a member of our funeral choir. After asking for a piece of cake, they insisted that he sing a song. After singing, something they said he should join their choir to which he responded: I heard people are dying just to hear you guys sing","He told me they all groaned at him, but I laughed at that" +"Why did the barber win the race","He took a short cut" +"When I tell my friends that I wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit, they think I’m joking","But that’s just my two scents" +"Where was Solomon’s temple located","On the side of his head" +"I Ordered 2000 Pounds of Chinese Soup","It was Won Ton" +"Pssst, hey, wanna buy some math. https://imgur","com/gallery/VGmx6XW" +"People say circumcision doesn’t hurt, but i have to disagree. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year","So check your facts" +"my dad and I were driving past a cemetery","he goes People are dying to get in there" +"Ice sculptures Me and my dad walking past an ice sculpture. **Me:** Ice sculptures are pretty cool, aren't they dad. **Dad:** Yeah, they're freezing","" +"What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine","Give me my quarter back" +"Why did the Serrano need a jacket","Because he was a little chili" +"Friend tasting food. My dad dropped this one on me today and sent it to everyone on his phone","If you had a friend who tasted your food, would you call him your tastebud?" +"After my very first visit to an authentic cowboy ranch, I had to go buy a wiener dog","I mean, the folks there were so nice, and as I left, the guy told me, Get a long little doggy" +"My. FIL when leaving the house with. MIL, You drive and. I'll nag . He then looks at me and says marital navigation,","Nagigation ." +"Be careful with stairs","You never know what they are up to" +"Why doesn't Covid touch kids","Because it's 19" +"I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday","I wasn't putting in enough shifts" +"Managed to think of a great dad joke earlier today. Earlier today I went for a swim at the local swimming pool but forgot to take my wig off. When I jumped in I felt it get washed away","Anyway, back to the joke, I came up with it right off the top of my head" +"I just asked my 7 year old son 150 questions while he played Minecraft","It was payback for the last movie we watched together" +"My dad texted back a brilliant response to my dadjoke Me: Are you alright dad, I haven't heard from you ALL year","Dad: I talked to you enough last year to last this year" +"My neck felt a little stiff so I popped it Just then, I thought of this joke and chuckled to myself. My friend asked me what was up. I said, Nothing","I just crack myself up sometimes" +"Why is the ocean salty","Because the sky never waves back" +"My son kept chewing on electrical cords so I had to ground him","He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly" +"What was Carly Rae Jepsen's father's reaction when he first heard Call Me Maybe. Hi Maybe","I'm Dad" +"I was just pondering about how lightening works","Then it struck me" +"A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, First offender","She says, No, first a Gibson, then a Fender" +"Did you hear about the. Mexican train killer","He had locomotives" +"Walking through the store with my wife and 3yo daughter. My daughter keep reaching for her ankle and saying ouchy Wife: daughter do you have something in your boot","Daughter: yes mommy, my foot Lady next to us heard it all, smiled and laughed while walking away" +"There are 10 kinds of people in this world","Those who know binary and those who don't" +"What do you call a guy with a rubber toe","Roberto" +"Did you hear the joke about the 3 holes in the ground","Well, well, well" +"College is the opposite of kidnapping","They demand $100,000 from you or they'll send your kid back" +"I searched the entire supermarket for bread for my tikka masala","But I couldn't find naan" +"I told my wife I just dropped her can of black olives","I told her not to worry I didn't drop olive them" +"I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing Danger Zone six times in a row","They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts" +"I'm more proud of myself than I should be During Physics class today I was asked what I knew about antimatter; I said that she was married to my uncle. Groans heard across the room. Bruise on arm from punch","All worth" +"I grabbed my cutlery and something fell down","FORK" +"Got dadjoked while searching for my phone. Me: I can't find my phone and it's on silent","Dad: Too bad, if you liked it then you should've put a ring on it" +"What did the portrait say to the photographer","“I’ve been framed" +"How do you unlock the Millennium Falcon","With a wook-key" +"What are the best beverages to serve dead acquaintances","Casual-teas" +"Which sex hormone hates going west","Eastrogen" +"What's the most negative word of 2020","Positive" +"HVAC helped me get my girlfriend. GF:. Babe, wake up, the. AC isn't working and it's 80 degrees in here. Me:","Thats not cool at all" +"President Obama's 2016 Turkey-Pardon Dad Jokes: The Definitive List [from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts] The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty. It is my great privilege — well, it's my privilege — actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon, Obama said. Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys. And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony: Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up. What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey. Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses. I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken. [After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] That's worth gobbling about. We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed. When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran. ' Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers. And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey. (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot. ) And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood. [from NPR -- http://www. npr. org/2016/11/23/503178220/president-obamas-2016-turkey-pardon-dad-jokes-the-definitive-list. utm_source=facebook","com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=npr&utm_term=nprnews&utm_content=2051]" +"My young cousin was telling dad about how many stairs are in the house Cousin: there are 7 stairs in our house","Dad: If we were all looking at you there would be four more stares" +"God said to. John, come fourth and you will receive eternal life ,","John came fifth and won a toaster." +"Why can’t you run in a campground","You can only ran because it’s past tense" +"What's Impotence","Natures way of saying No Hard Feelings" +"A ton of milk weighs less in the car","Then it's only a carton" +"Why should you never give flowers to a monk","Because only you can prevent florist friars" +"I have a fetish for figuring things out","I just came to that realization" +"Where do horses go shopping","Old-neighvy" +"*Hits you with calculator","Bet you weren’t counting on that." +"My wife told me her period had been going on several days longer than it usually does. I said","Sounds more like an ellipsis" +"Imagine you’re about to be attacked by a giant scorpion. What do you do","Stop imagining it" +"If your drop your watch in a toilet","You’re gonna have a crappy time" +"Women usually call me ugly until they find out how much money I make","Then they call me poor and ugly" +"Why do parents have a hard time accepting their kids","It takes 9 months to come to term" +"I was walking on the street when someone randomly threw a can at my head","Luckily, it was a soft drink" +"A quick guide on How to fall downstairs","Step 1 Step 6 Step 8, 9, 10, 11" +"Wife told me she was going to clean out the spice rack and get some fresh stuff","I told her it sounded like a waste of her thyme." +"Why is there never a winner at the annual neckwear contest","It's always a tie" +"I've never seen a catfish","I don't think they could bait a hook" +"What kind of clothes does a house wear","Address" +"Why did the coffee file charges","It got mugged" +"I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings","You could say I have a complex complex complex" +"I tell people to hold their horses before jumping to conclusions","I just want them to have stable lives" +"I took a blood test yesterday","Got an A+" +"You wanna hear a potassium joke?","K." +"My girlfriend shoved me through a window today","She’s such a pane in my ass" +"Why are Gay Pride parades in Summer","Because Pride comes before the Fall" +"My gf thought she got me So the new George ezra song according to the gf has a casino bit in it so one night in bed it came on. Her: Oh I like him he can push my buttons","Me: Oh is he like your casionova" +"Why do dogs always get so excited when the doorbell rings","It’s almost never for them" +"Does this count. I just Dad joked my ward Can you Dad joke someone you're a guardian to","Anyway A friend has been doing some house decorating recently, I just had following Skype conversation with her daughter (my ward) Her : Gonna do some painting with Mum in a minute Me : I'd use a brush" +"What do you call an animal that makes your chin really really cold","A chinchilla" +"What do you call it when you make sushi out of a Thesaurus","A synonym roll" +"A guide told me he would help me climb a vertical mountain ledge for $5000","I thought that's a bit steep" +"What sound does a motorised duster make","'Broom'" +"What city has the smallest police force","Minneapolis" +"I asked my dad where we were going for vacation this year. He pressed the middle of my face","The Poconos" +"Tell me ONE thing wrong with overstocking grocery shelves. Go on","Aisle weight" +"How do astronauts say they're sorry","They apollo-gize" +"Did you know the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France","They were actually cooked in Greece" +"I asked my wife for an audiobook for my birthday, and she got me an encyclopedia","That speaks volumes" +"My calc teacher has to be a dad Today in class, we were given a work sheet and he told us that question 'L' was a real 'cute' one. He then went on to tell us that we had to do the question before Christmas, because by then there will be 'No-el'","Literally ten times a class we get one of these" +"Every time I go golfing I wear two pairs of pants","Just in case I get a hole in one" +"If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have","Big Hands" +"Every time we make reservations at a restaurant Technically my grandpa always makes this joke, but my dad will make it to","To the host/hostess: We had reservations but we came anyway" +"What did the police officer say to his belly button","You’re under a vest" +"My optician has just told me I'm colour blind","Well that came completely out of the green" +"I got my buddy to groan last night Me: What breed of horse is always your friend. Him: I don't know which one","Me: a PAL-omino Groans and wishing death upon me were stated" +"Where a sick ship goes","It goes to the dock" +"What do you call a train conductor on a chromosome","A genetic engineer" +"Told my fiance that I think our dog is depressed. She asked me why and I said that everytime we get home, I say hello to him and ask how his day was. He answers with Rough","Rough" +"I walked into a bookstore. Do you have any books on turtles. Yes, hard back","Yeah, that's them, little heads too" +"A pirate walks into a bar. with a full-sized ship's steering wheel attached to the zipper of his pants. The bartender says, There's a steering wheel attached to your zipper, doesn't that bother you. The pirate replies, Argh, it's driving me nuts","" +"What do you call a compass made of potatoes","An orientater" +"What do you call it when you shoot a wood plank","A bulletin board" +"Why couldn't a tree stump play around with a computer","Because it couldn't log in" +"What's the big deal. Lots of people have insomnia. >You don't find them losing any sleep over it","Grandpa Munster" +"My wife just accused me of having zero empathy","I don’t understand how she can feel that way" +"Someone asked if my jacket is felt I said its actually polyester He then put his hand on my shoulder and said","it is now" +"What do you call a group of musicians who stole all their instruments","Bandits" +"Dad dad-joked us at a family gathering Sister-in-law said: We've been fishing too much. The fishing line's all frayed. Dad said: Imagine how the fish feel","*Pause* All 'fraid" +"I, for one. Like","Roman numerals" +"I was cooking pasta when I tripped and fell into the colander","I strained my back" +"Magic tractor Did you hear about the magic tractor","It went up the road and turned into a field" +"What are bald sea captains most worried about","Cap Sizes" +"If anyone is looking to have a custom ark built for them. I","Noah guy" +"How do you fix a chipped tooth","Toothpaste" +"My dad keeps on buying ladders","Just to get high" +"Just got my sister with this one. I'm wearing a sweater over a shirt when I say I'm gonna take off my sweater. I'm not feeling too good. What. What's wrong. she asks. Idk. I'm just feeling a little shirty","I say as a huge grin develops on my face and she grunts" +"A woman was missing her her dead husband, so she went to see a medium. The Medium started a seance and said, in a sing-song voice, John, if you are with us, please say something . &#x200B; The Ouija board immediately started spelling out: *S-O-M-E-T-H-","* &#x200B; Wife: THAT'S HIM" +"If you think lukewarm water is bad. Just wait til you try","Kevin warm water" +"My grandfather was diagnosed with prostate cancer","When the doctor told him, he asked to check again with two fingers because he wanted a second opinion." +"What's the least spoken language in the world","Sign language" +"Last week my daughter asked me for the new iPhone. I said, you can only have one of those, if you get good grades, do your chores and follow house rules. If you don't, it will be a much cheaper phone","Basically, its my way or the Huwaei" +"My wife had the audacity to call me a lazy bum today","Just as I was right in the middle of taking down the Christmas decorations" +"Did you hear about the kittens that took over the boat","It was a Mewtiny" +"At the height of my lunacy, I would dig in my lawn like my life depended on it","It's all well now" +"This didn't even get a groan. My Fiance and I are getting into the elevator at a hotel we were staying at. We get in and the elevator was large and had blankets on the wall. Her: Weird, I think this is a freight elevator","Me: Freight so" +"My son walked into the living room only to find me looking around all misty eyed. Reluctantly, he asked, What's up pop. I blubbered, My boy, I really love our furniture","Me and my recliner go way back" +"Wife asked me why i don't take her anywhere","I answered: What's the point, you always come back" +"Wind. This weekend there was more wind than usual and my husband's friend exclaimed Wow. Where did this wind come from. I pointed in the direction it was coming from. That way. It came from that way. I could not contain my giggles for the rest of the days over that one. It was so simple, yet made me feel invincible","I'm still laughing at myself three days later" +"I cooked my family some human meat for dinner tonight but everyone is late","I guess they’re all gonna get the cold shoulder" +"Was reading my little brother some history when my dad jumped in with a dad joke. Me: Amelia Earhart was the first female pilot to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean","Dad: Maybe if she hadn't flown so low she wouldn't have gone missing" +"What will Kim Jong Un name his kids","Kim Jong deux and Kim Jong trois" +"What kind of meat does a priest eat","Nun" +"My deaf girlfriend just told me “I think we need to talk","” That’s not a good sign" +"What do you call a bear with no teeth","A gummy bear" +"At first. I wasn’t sure if. I liked my mustache","But it’s growing on me" +"I hate. German food","It’s the wurst" +"Got my son and my fiance today Son: hey look, a dead bee. What kind of bee is it Dad","Me: Well, that is a Used Tah Bee Fiance : eyeroll and groan" +"I made a. Spotify playlist called. Tree. That's because it's made up of","Styx." +"A female mermaid is a mermaid what’s a male mermaid","A merbutler" +"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the toilet","Because the p is silent" +"Lots of discussion regarding energy. But I have to ask, does energy even matter","Yes energy matters, but only if you you divide it by the speed of light squared" +"If someone could just reverse the process of making wine","That would be grape" +"I just had surgery and they removed everything on the left side of me","I'm all right now" +"What did the sheep say to the shepherd. Stop it","You're herding me" +"You said everything would be back to normal by the end of June","July-ed" +"What do you call a black pirate","A pirate you fucking racist" +"I'm going to be sleeping on the sofa for this. Wife was trying to feed our new born, and since it was via a C-section, the amount of milk being produced is minimal for the first week. Baby was cranky and some milk spilled and she got upset. Don't cry over spilled milk - I said","Also, told her I can now post the above to /r/dadjokes because I'm a dad" +"What is the most common name for a chicken","Brock" +"I was gonna make a river joke. But","I dont think its current" +"I shaved a hedgehog once","It was pointless" +"Knock Knock. *Who’s There. * The Who. *The Who who. * I said The Who, not the owls","(i made this up and had to keep myself from laughing for two hours at work I hope u like it)" +"Why did the cowboy get a weiner dog","So he could get along little doggie" +"I once knew a bloke who was sexually attracted to almonds","Guy was fucking nuts" +"The police came to my house The police came to my house earlier and said that my dog had chased someone on a bike","I said, “You must be joking, my dog hasn’t got a bike”" +"So some jumper cables walk into a bar","And ask for a drink the bartender says sure but don't start anything" +"Well","That's deep" +"News headline: Child molester seeks out only Mexican kids","He's a Pedrophile" +"Did you hear about the guy in that terrible accident who lost the entire left side of his body","It's okay, he's all right now" +"My dad just threw this one at us","I was talking about a war movie where they had a debriefing and my dad yells from the other room: THATS WHAT I DO BEFORE GETTING IN THE SHOWER" +"I heard apple is making a self driving car,","It’s behind on production because they’re having trouble installing windows." +"What kind of shoes does a thief wear","Sneakers" +"What are chickens afraid of","The poultrygeist" +"Why haven't time travellers travel back in time to save us from COVID","Cause because of covid there's a travel ban" +"What do you call a singing computer","A-Dell" +"Every time we get coffee. Since I was little, every time my dad has ordered coffee in a restaurant he's used the same cheesy reply (much to the disdain of my mother). How would you like your coffee. Sweet and creamy, just like me","" +"What's the difference between a Soviet soldier and a fish","The fish lasts longer in it's tank" +"Dad joked my friend today Friend: Hey, you know how when you open a container or yogurt there's liquid on top some of the time. Me: Sure do, I believe that's whey though I could be wrong. Friend: IT IS WHEY. How cool is that. (With out missing a beat) Me: I'd say that's. whey. cool","The look on his face was priceless and I'm still cracking up about it hours later" +"What's the difference in a duck descending towards land vs a duck descending towards water","One is going to land on land, but the other won't water on water" +"Why don’t black holes eat stars","Asteroids are meteor" +"Why was six afraid of seven","Because seven was a registered six offender" +"What do you call and Irishman bouncing off the walls","Rick O'Shea (Not my joke, saw it on Twitter)" +"We were in a restaurant when. The waiter informed us that Chocolate mousse is back on the menu. My dad: Oh","They must have found another moose" +"My wife kicked me out of the house because of my bad. Arnold. Schwarzenegger impression","But don't worry, I'll return" +"What is the capitol of Alaska","I don’t know, Juno" +"Did you know FDR had a naked sea snake as a White House pet","He called it the nude eel" +"What do you call sick beats about climate change","Al Gore Rhythms" +"My girlfriend was telling me about how this lady had her dog's ashes turned into glass and then made into a ring I then asked her when I die if she could turn me into a window, so even after I die I can be a pain (pane)","She walked away and said she hates me, but I can tell that she was laughing inside" +"You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ","It has the *heart*iest appetite" +"How does a penguin build its house","Igloos it together" +"How did Silver greet Gold after not seeing him for a long time","'eeeeyyyy youuu" +"I got caught stealing a bag of coffee from my workplace","My boss said that it was grounds for dismissal" +"Albert. Einstein once said that time is relative","I don’t remember anyone in my family named time" +"Who can't do philosophy","Immanuel Kant" +"I can't believe it's already national pancake day","It really crepéd up on us this year" +"Ten cows are standing in a field. Which is the closest to Iraq","Cow eight" +"There were two flies in the kitchen. Which one is the cowboy","The one on the range" +"What do you call an egg that tells jokes","A yolkster" +"I met my wife at a scrabble tournament 20 years ago","In September we’re going to renew our vowels" +"What do you call a bear with no teeth","A gummy bear" +"After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working","Your pupils; they dilate" +"My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, How do one armed mothers do it","Without missing a beat I replied, Single handedly" +"Doctor, when I drink coffee there's a pain in my left eye and when I drink tea there's a pain in my right eye","Dr: Have you tried taking the spoon out of the mug" +"What did the spider want to be when he grew up","A web developer" +"The Waitress saw me and my gf were wrapping up our meals. Y'all wanna box for your leftovers","I'm not much of a boxer, but I'll wrestle you for them" +"What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet","Supplies" +"I made a pencil with 2 erasers today","It was pointless" +"What do you call it when a robot has a one night stand","Nut and bolt" +"Did you hear about the French chef who committed suicide","Apparently he'd just completely lost the huile d'olive" +"Just got my girlfriend on the way to the store She wants to go get some snacks for the week and this conversation happened: Me: what did you wanna grab at the store. Her: I don't know, whatever seems appealing. Me: ok so some bananas or oranges","Groans insued and I think her eyes rolled out of her head" +"I accidentally swallowed my cats tablets once","Don't ask me-ow" +"Why do bicycles fall over","Because they’re two-tired" +"I wrote my strategy for dealing with a specific set of circumstances in a notebook, but my friend wrapped it in aluminium paper","He foiled my plan" +"My dream girl is made of chocolate. I","Hershey kisses good too" +"Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award","He was outstanding in his field" +"A toddler's life","It's all fun and games, until you get carried away." +"Why did the actor always have messy hair","He couldn’t get a good part" +"I heard Congress was overrun with tiny lizards last week","Turned out it was Fake Newts" +"The leading cause of divorce in a long term marriage is","A stalemate" +"Which toe is the easiest to see","A photo" +"You know what the worst part about PC RAM is","No matter how much light you shine, it's still SODIMM" +"My 4 year old daughter told me “I’m cold. ” today. Then looked up at me immediately afterward and said “my name isn’t cold so don’t call me cold, I’m just feeling cold”","They learn so fast" +"Dad joke at Dick's My father and I were shopping at Dick's sporting goods for some fishing gear. I needed to buy some leaders but was having trouble finding them","My dad then approached an employee and said: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADERS *long sigh*" +"Did you hear the one about the magic tractor","It turned into a field" +"My wife is pregnant and she's feeling morning sickness. so I had to take a stand. So I told our told our baby, You're grounded","Go to your womb" +"The inventor of predictive text has died","His funfair will be hello on Sundial" +"What do you call an acid with an attitude","a-mean-o-acid" +"Lost my watch in a party yesterday. Saw a man step on it while harassing a girl. I said, “No one does that to a woman","Not on my watch" +"Bruce. Hornsby killed all his former band mates and buried them under his basement. He now lives at. Home, home on the","Range" +"Midwives","help people out" +"My dad when watching Close Encounters of the Third Kind When I was like 11 years old back in 1981 and watching Close Encounters of the Third Kind with my dad, there is a scene where Richard Dreyfuss is in the shower with clothes on. My dad says do you know why he is in the shower with clothes on. I shake my head no thinking I'm missing something in the movie","He replies because it's a PG rated movie" +"I really respect the folks who make and source small items for movies","Props to them" +"What’s worse than ants in your pants","Uncles" +"Well, this is a bit of a puzzle. http://i. imgur. com/AGjK3pz","jpg" +"People keep telling me to grow out my hair","I’ll have to mullet over" +"Where do. Canadians go to go through airport security. The","TS-eh" +"What do you call a riddle that is easy to crack","A brittle" +"Why is the shower the best place to hide a fake turd","Because where else would you find shampoo" +"What do you call a Sunday dinner eaten on a Monday","Cold" +"Girl walks into a bar and orders a double entendre","The bartender gives it to her" +"Kid: Name something that flies","Dad: Flies" +"What do you call a undead bee","A ZOM-BEE" +"Did you know that ambulances are equipped with Wii U's nowadays","You can tell because every time they turn on their sirens it goes Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U" +"What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber","One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman" +"What concert only costs 45¢. A 50 cent concert featuring","Nickelback" +"Texted a joke to my daughter yesterday. http://imgur. com/QcEMLQv http://imgur","com/K5GgIkY" +"What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer","**Quacks in the pavement" +"My son just threw a milk carton at me","How dairy" +"I heard Marvel Comics has a character who goes around cracking half hearted puns at people","They call him the Pun'isher" +"I don't like gravity","It keeps me down" +"You'll never guess who I bumped into at the opticians","Everyone" +"What does a time machine need in order to go back to the era of the 3 stooges","A Nyucks Capacitor" +"Got a guy my age in math We are sitting in a group of four, and then the trouble kid, Anthony complains. Anthony (obviously distressed) : wow I'm cold -- I'm frozen. Me : Nice to meet you, cold *extends hand for handshake* A: *groans* I also said I was frozen M: Last I checked, you're not a Disney movie Whole table groaned","Except me" +"Wife on inability to grow a beard Being of Native American descent I lack the ability to grow a full beard. My wife finds this a great source of comedic inspiration and dropped this gem. Wife: You know why Prerblo can't grow a beard. Friend: I don't know. Why","Wife: Because it's all apache" +"My therapist tells me I have a preoccupation with vengeance","We'll see about that" +"My Dad at the hospital. For a little bit of background information, my dad suffers from multiple system atrophy and got a high fever, which turned out to be from a bad urinal tract infection. He has been at the hospital for almost 2 weeks now, and it is really hard on our family, but he is doing his best to get better and throws this small dad joke to lighten me and my brothers day. A Speech Therapist comes every day to help him focus on his muscles in his face to help him swallow and speak clearer with simple gestures of noises and deep breathing. As she was done with his exercises, she said to him Can you say goodbye, have a nice day. in a long sentence. (As in one breath with no pauses). My dad then takes a look at me and my brother and says in his slurred voice goodbye. have a nice day. in a long sentence . The Speech Therapist just smiled and shook her head while we facepalmed","Thumbs up Dad, I know you will come home soon" +"When I heard of 23andme I thought it was a love story between a man and a prime number","Their love could not be divided" +"What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo. One is really heavy","and the other is a little lighter" +"I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife…. But. I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out","I’m just after my money..." +"What did the sniper say to his girlfriend when they broke up","I won't miss you" +"A joke about deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes. I ask 'what. ' He says, 'No I deer'. Now what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs. 'what. ' Still no I deer. I laughed my ass off for about 20 minutes","This was about a week ago" +"I still remember 2017 like it was yesterday","This part is optional, my option is no text" +"What does a vegan zombie crave","Graaaaiiiinnnnssss" +"I bought shoes from my drug dealer","I don't know what he's laced them with but I've been tripping all day" +"How do you get a musical priest to like you","B minor" +"I feel so dirty. I haven't showered all year","God damnit dad" +"My Canadian friend was reluctant to emcee the Young Men's Christian Association event","His exact words were, Why emcee, eh" +"A bunch of grains got together to protest","It was a real rye-ot" +"Why are melons not allowed to get married in Vegas","They cantaloupe" +"I wasn't sure when. I was going to have to get on the freeway but then. I realized","The turning point for me was the onramp" +"Did you know that traditionally, in france, omelettes were made with only one egg","Because one egg is un oueff" +"I showed my friend all the people waiting to hit me because I pissed them off","This is the punchline" +"My wife yelled, “Hey, the sun’s coming out. ” So I wore my shorts and flip flops and came downstairs","Found my son holding hand with his boyfriend" +"Have you guys heard about the Corduroy Pillows","They’re making headlines everywhere" +"Just saw a doctor eating an apple","Feels bad that he’s gonna keep himself away from himself." +"An. Optimist was. Walking. Around a. Graveyard","He said, “I’m seeing a lot of plus signs here.”" +"Did you hear about the magic tractor","It turned into a field" +"I asked what LGBTQ meant","I couldn’t get a straight answer" +"Dadjoked my history teacher in class So, in class we were talking about the Vietnam War and while talking about the coup detat the teacher asks Does anyone know what a coup is","So I say a place where they hold chickens" +"Why do you see less stoners in the winter","They’re hibernating" +"When a plant is getting it’s picture taken","It’s called a photo-shoot" +"What should you do when your kid has nothing to do","Play a board game" +"Why don’t ants go to church","Because they are insects" +"I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard lately…","I just can't seem to get the last of that ketchup out…" +"My Dad and his debut on DadJokes. So my girlfriend and I got in my dads Subaru and started it up. We paused and noticing everyone smelled something I chimed up. It smells kinda like miso soup in here. Girlfriend agreed and my dad looked at me puzzled and then changed expressions before saying, oh yeah, that's my new cologne. It's a rare line of perfume called Me So Sexy","I wanted to shake my head in shame but I laughed my ass off" +"Her: I took out this bottle of wine a minute ago. Can you explain why it is half empty","Me: Because you are a pessimist" +"My husband told me to stop impersonating a flamingo","I had to put my foot down" +"Did you hear about the houses that fell in love","It was a lawn-distance relationship" +"How to catch a polar bear. First find a frozen lake. Cut a hole in the ice large enough for a polar bear to fit in it. Take early peas and place them around the hole roughly 2 inches apart. Go hide. When a polar bear goes to take a pea","run up and kick him in the ice-hole" +"Why was Thor mad at the guy quietly chilling at the other side of the bar","He was too low key" +"What’s the difference between a carp and a lawyer. One’s a loathsome bottom feeder, and the other’s a fish","*my law professor told this joke to start class off today*" +"I switched to sensitive toothpaste, but. I don't think it's working","I'm still an asshole" +"Geology rocks","But geography is where its at" +"Quick reference for Star Wars: Chewie is short for Chewbacca, Ben Kenobi is short for Obi-Wan Kenobi","and Luke Skywalker is short for a storm trooper" +"The attack on the blind peoples home was so unexpected","I mean who would have seen it coming?" +"My son asked me what the difference between boys and girls was","I told him there's a vas deferens" +"Can a ninja throw stars","Shurikan" +"I hope this wasn't too inappropriate I was getting ready to leave the house and my daughter wanted a ride somewhere and was taking her sweet ass time. I told her, this trains a leavin', Hurriet Upman. She's in the sixth grade, so I don't think they've taught her about the underground railroad yet, but I lost my shit","Damn, I love being a dad" +"What US state is round on the sides but tall in the center","oHIo" +"I love how the earth rotates","It really makes my day" +"I made up my very own word today","Plagiarism" +"What do you call a Chameleon who can’t change colors","A reptile dysfunction" +"What did the judge say to the dentist","Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth" +"Dad joked by my boss. Me: Shit just got real (we were throwing a ball of paper back and forth, and I he hit me in the face with it) Boss: You want real. I'll show you real","(Boss walks to grab something, returns with a fishing reel) Boss: This is reel" +"When your dad misses no opportunity for a joke So, my dad could be considered a regular jokester. He had his dad jokes, his dirty jokes, clean but provocative joke, setup jokes, everything. He never missed a chance to turn something into a joke for hinself, even, and perpahs especially, if it only amused himself. I found out at an young age that no situation is too serious for him. I was around 9 years old and I was in the cub scouts, and it was box car derby season. I was in the dining room, carving away at my block of wood when the blade in my right hand skipped the wood and carved my left thumb. It fucking hurt and bled like a sonofabitch. I immediately starting screaming and my dad raced into the room and found me covered in blood, my left hand now with two thumbs. We get it wrapped and he drives me to the emergency room. By the time we got there the bleeding had stopped and I have stopped crying. As we pull up, my dad looks st me, shakes his head and says We can't go in there like this, we'll end up waiting forever to see a doctor. You need to cry once we're in there and that'll help I said ok, and he said as we were walking up, I'll give you a signal to start crying. How will i know, i asked him snd he just said i'll know. We go inside and walk up to the admittance desk. I'm short, so at the time my head just cleared the desk. My dad tells the nurse that we have a cut, and need to see a doctor right away. The nurse pushes paperwork at him and he tells her again, this time that its a real bad cut. The nurse finally looks at me for the first time and she frowns, because im relatively normal looking, even though im hurting and nervous, waiting for my dads signal. My dad pulls me back a bit and her eyes widen really big when she sees all the dried blood caked on the lower left side of my body. She starts getting excited and says Ohmygoshohmygosh over and over and this point im starting to get scared when my Dad, in a serious voice says Its even worse than it looks. You're going to have to take the whole hand. Then I start crying","" +"I ran into my house and screamed, Hey kids, great news. I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects","I'm a con artist" +"Baby tried to feed a tennis ball to a plush moose. 9 month old is trying to be generous, and puts teething toys (or anything he can grab) in other people's mouths. It's very nice. He had one of the dog's tennis balls, and tried to put it in this giant stuffed moose's mouth. Me to wife: He seems so concerned that it's not eating. Wife to me: Well, he hasn't eaten in years","Me to wife: He can't eat any more, he's stuffed" +"So a White Horse walks into a Pub. the barman says “ain’t that a coincidence, our pub is named after you. ” “Why did you name your Pub Eric","” the horse replies" +"I told my boss that I needed a raise, because there’s 3 other companies after me right now","The electric, gas, and water company" +"OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me: “Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer. ” *pauses for effect* “. I guess I let it go to my head. ” Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum. I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization). Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another ‘incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years","I could go on and on" +"Got my wife good with this one. We were discussing how to make Cauliflower cheese, for our son's lunches this week. So you start with a roux and add milk to make white sauce, then add cheese to make cheese sauce. She then asked what else can you add to a roux. I quickly replied there's always kanga. It took her a second, then she whacked me","My job is done" +"I was going to make a joke about fencing But I decided not to","It would’ve been a repost" +"What's a pirates favourite octave","High C" +"My four year old has been learning. Spanish for a year, and he still can’t say ‘please’","I think that’s poor for four" +"I'm studying abroad in New Zealand. I've been here for a couple months now. My family is in Boston, so I'm 19 hours ahead","My dad asks for the winning lottery numbers at least once a week" +"When. I heard that. Oxygen and. Magnesium were dating,. I was like","OMg" +"This is why you shouldn't tell Dad jokes until AFTER you're a father http://explosm","net/comics/4436/" +"50% of. Canada is. A and its number 1 at being just north of","America" +"There was a Sex Education Fair on my university campus today. I asked one of the workers what display was supposed to be at the empty table next to theirs; I knew the worker was a dad because he replied: It was supposed to be a BDSM Safety table, but none of them could make it","I guess they were all tied up" +"Why do melons have weddings","Because they cantaloupe" +"Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory","He didn’t put enough shifts in" +"What did the Spanish pig say when it got to the slaughter house","Por-k" +"Got the wife while fueling the car While we were pulling up to the gas station my wife and I were having a back and forth about how much gas to put in. She kept saying $40, I kept saying $20 and so forth. Finally get parked and about to head out and she says, hey, what are you gonna put in. To which I said, well I think the car only takes gasoline. She told to me to get out of the car",":)" +"What's the best part of a mailbox joke","The delivery" +"Dark humor is like Food","Not everyone gets it" +"Want to hear a joke about sodium, bromine, and oxygen","NaBrO" +"A present for his son http://imgur","com/2udTB1S" +"Don't know what to say","just get a load of this one" +"WhatsApp keeps crashing on my phone and won’t run properly, so. I’ve downloaded something called “The. Bugs. Bunny” to fix it…. It’s a. WhatsApp","Doc." +"What's a wind turbines favourite genre of music","To be honest, they're really big heavy metal fans" +"What do Krakens eat. Fish and ships","Not actually a dad joke but told to me by Mr11 while I was in the middle of a teleconference" +"My dad is planning on paint colors with my mom. I can hear them talking since they're just in the other room. > Mom: How about Toasted Oatmeal. Do you like Toasted Oatmeal. > Dad: Not on my walls. That would be messy","The groan was tangible from my mom" +"I can't even watch football with him anymore. Me I can't stand Cam Newton","Dad What about his brother Fig" +"I saw a dog at a construction site","was the roofer" +"Why was the broom late for work","Because he over swept" +"Every time my grandpa goes to a store. -Did you find everything okay","-I wasn't looking for *everything" +"Look. A distraction","Kids turn around to look and say: where" +"My Dad pulled this one today. Me: Hey Dad, there's a (silverware) fork that somebody dropped in front of our driveway. Should I pick it up so nobody pops a tire on it. Dad: I guess you could say. There's a fork in the road. Me: Dammit Dad","(Now thinking of this subreddit) Dad: Yeah, just go pick it up" +"Why did your dad name the family dog Loaf","Because he's a purebread" +"Got my girlfriend (in labour with our first son, having strong contractions) on the way to the hospital Me: So you think he might be born by midnight. Her: I dunno. we might get in there and the triage nurse says I'm only 1cm Me: Hmmm","I think you're more like 5'2 It went down as well as you might expect" +"Dadjoked the wife. Me: Can I take this vacuum box out to the dumpster. Wife: No. I am going to take it back if it sucks. Me: But that is what it is supposed to do","Edited for formatting" +"Have you heard about the sensitive burglar","He takes things personally" +"Straight from my dad Thinking about investing in bushes","I hear there's money in hedge funds" +"My friend claims he can eat 5 five kilos of sausages. He's full of bologna","Edit:spelling" +"A true dad joke is all about delivery","You're not a dad until the baby is delivered" +"I hope. Elon. Musk never gets caught up in a major scandal. I just imagine","Elon-Gate would be really drawn out...." +"What is a dog's favorite game to play in the pool","Barko Polo" +"Is it just me","or are there other personal pronouns" +"What does Titanic & The Sixth Sense have in common","Icy dead people" +"What kind of doctor can you talk to at any time of the day","An Oncologist" +"What did they call the tampon in the middle ages","A period piece" +"What do i call my dad","Should it be apparent" +"You know why you never see elephants hiding in trees","Because they’re really good at it" +"My gf wasn't ready So my gf got a haircut today and texted me about it. She was not ready for the following exchange. gf: I don't know if I like my hair. Me: Well I'm sure it'll. grow on you. gf: That sounds like a dadjoke lol. Me: But your dad didn't tell it. gf: You're ridiculous Me: No, I'm Freddie3","She said I made her giggle so it was worth it" +"What is it called when you steal someone's coffee","Mugging :D" +"Well, I'm half Welsh and half Hungarian","I guess you could say I'm well hung" +"Why couldn't the robot finish its pizza","It would take too many bytes" +"Going through clothing at work. A customer was interested in a jacket that was on clearance. It was missing its tag, and was the last of its kind. My coworker did some digging and found the model name. A while later, I asked him about the jacket Me: So this jacket is called the Countdown. Coworker: Yeah Me: And this is the last one. Coworker: Yeah Me: Oh, so this is the Final Countdown","My coworker groaned loudly and slapped his face with the palm of his hand" +"What do you call a lesbian dinosaur","Lick-a-lotta-puss" +"I met a girl with 12 nipples today","Sounds fun, dozen tit" +"The double e’s in “bee” might actually be silent","The single e in “be,” too" +"I'm getting one of my tires fixed Friend: I'm getting one of my tires fixed Me: Why. If you don't get it fixed, it might reproduce","Those things are expensive" +"Dad: I’ll have the steak. Mom: Have the chicken instead. It’s healthy. Dad: No it isn’t","It’s dead" +"Me: One of our neighbors had a part of his large intestine removed. Her: Oh my God. Is he in a coma","Me: No, but he ended up with a semi colon" +"Did you know that one of King Arthur's men was always full of useless facts and knowledge","Yep, he was the trivia knight" +"At the restaurant Family out eating, everybody is having a great time. Everybody nearly finished their meal, dad already finished his beer. Waiter: Would you like another one. Dad: What will I do with 2 empty glasses","Colective groaning" +"Why did the physicist have to go to drug rehab","He was addicted to math" +"Talking about the new construction over the west side railyard in manhattan. Me: Do you think it'll be stable","Dad: I dunno, are there gonna be any horses in it" +"I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said, thanks","I said, don't mention it" +"My daughter said it would be awesome if we could go see where Robin Hood used to live","I said, It Sherwood" +"A Catholic High School had a legendary American football team. Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily… Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights. Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program. One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor. As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0","The next day, the headline on the local sports section read: No Offense, Nun Taken" +"My partner couldn’t believe there wasn’t any toilet paper left in the bathroom","I explained that I’ve been having a pretty shitty week" +"Not even groceries are safe. I was out getting the groceries with Dad. As we were approaching the checkouts he realised we had forgotten to get toothpaste. Him: Could you run back and grab the toothpaste","The sensitive one Me: Yeah sure Him: Great, but be gentle Me: *stunned silence*" +"I hike most mornings, so I went ahead and made a playlist with music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem","It's my trail mix" +"My dad at the restaurant about a salad my friend got My friend ordered a salad with just lettuce and nothing else and the waitress called it a honeymoon salad. Dad: you know why they call that a honeymoon salad right","Friend: no Dad: lettuce alone" +"What was Jesus' favorite type of ham","Bethle-ham" +"How Does Moses Make Coffee","Hebrews it" +"Yesterday i asked my friend square how his angles are","He said that they’re all right" +"What noise does a German snake make","Hißßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß" +"My girlfriend works at. Pizza. Hut","She's really making the dough" +"How do blind people wipe their butts","With toilet paper, like everyone else" +"Did you hear about the amphibious car","It was toad" +"Customer asked me this today Do you think after 35, a woman should still have kids","At first I thought he was serious, then he said I mean you think after 35 kids, she would have enough" +"My Daughter was born today Her name is Vilje (Norwegian) And we have a girlfriend over to visit. My daughter is just laying there looking around and I say that she is just chillin. We should change her name to Chillje. I got a double eye-roll","I think I am ready to be a dad" +"Someone threw some Omega 3 tablets at my head the other day","I'm ok though, my injuries were only super fish oil" +"Dad joked my wife and son. Feeling very proud. Okay so today is payday and my wife and I were making up our budget. My son (2 years old) comes over and takes the pen trying to color on my wife's notebook. We turn it to a blank page and just let him go crazy. He then starts trying to color [on himself,](http://imgur. com/31nQrEj) marking a line on his forehead. I take the pen and say, No Joshua. That's where I, (looked at my wife when I said this next part) DRAW THE LINE","Wife groaned, my son wined for a bit, I laughed my ass off" +"I'm having trouble organizing a. Hide. And. Seek league","Good players are hard to find." +"Wanna know how to make a tissue dance","Just put a little boogie in it" +"What do you call a pony with a sore throat","A little hoarse" +"On the first day of spring, a mother, a father, and a baby mole came out of their hole. The mom came out and said, “I smell the fresh breeze. ” The father said “I smell the budding trees. ” The baby mole, standing behind his parents said","“All I smell is molasses" +"Did you hear what happened to the spaghetti chef","He pasta way" +"A man was getting squished by two pieces of glass","He was in a lot of pane" +"Cars, huh They take you to point A,B,C and D","But they always land on E" +"So my toddler daughters are old enough to eat the same diet that I do, which makes changing their diapers awful","The worst part is later in the day when I go to the bathroom I have the most overwhelming deja poo" +"A man gets a bunch of office supplies dropped on him. He yells: Help","I’m under a tack" +"Do you have a photographic memory. I'd like to think so, but it never developed. Hit my coworker with that earlier","I'd like to think I did good" +"This used to keep us quiet. Took a little while before we caught on Quiet kids","We're driving in a deaf child area" +"If you don't stop pretending to be a cashier. I translated it into English from my native language, loses a little charm but still got me: Mom: I swear I'm going to leave right now if you don't stop pretending to be a cashier at Wal-Mart. Dad: Would you like a bag","Mom:" +"Have a dream about being The Flash","and you’ll be fast asleep" +"When I order tequila at Hogsmeade","I Expecto Patronum" +"Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember…","Moses started out as a basket case…" +"Which professional racing circuit would be easiest for babies to compete in","Formula 1" +"Where does a ghost go after it's been exorcised from a home","It joins the IRS and begins repossessing houses (My first attempt at a Dad joke)" +"What do you call it when Vanna White turns a letter other than a consonant","A vowel movement" +"Dad What does ineffable mean. [It can't be explained. ](http://dictionary. reference. com/browse/ineffable","s=t)" +"I hit my elbow on a propane tank at work today","I can see why it's not called protickle" +"Why are there barcodes on the side of Norwegian ships","So they can Scandenavian" +"Everybody calls me their guidance counselor. Because","I open so many doors for them" +"Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato","The lettuce was a\-head and the tomato was trying to ketchup" +"My bank must really like me","They keep telling me my account is outstanding" +"What did one snowman say to the other snowman","Smells like carrots" +"A limbo champion walks into a bar","He was disqualified" +"When you are telling jokes about your virginity,","You should always put it in the first person." +"Being a vampire is risky business","You wooden believe the stakes" +"How do the Israelis see at night","They turn on the Israelites" +"What did batman say to robin before he got in the car","Get in the car" +"Who will lead the army of drawing utensils","The ruler" +"Took my son to see Ant Man and wife asked if the ending leads into a potential sequel. I said Yeah, at the end his sidekick appears","Uncle Man" +"What's the Difference between Driving and Baseball","In Baseball, hit and runs are encouraged" +"Today","I have invented a new word: plagiarism" +"What does Fred Flintstone use to get things to stick together","Dabba Dabba Glue" +"Where does a general keep his armies","In his sleevies" +"Dadjoked by a lawyer Court reporter here. Was speaking with a lawyer and he was telling me about the time he had to represent someone accused of having sex with a horse. Did anyone ask why THAT horse, instead of any of the others. I asked. Actually yes, replied the lawyer","He wanted a stable relationship" +"I bought a can opener today, but it doesn't seem to work","Turns out I bought a can't opener" +"My husband Dad-Joked me today. We're riding our bikes to a local nature center. As we were getting close to a bridge, aloud, he reads the sign: Draw Bridge Ahead He turns to me and says got pen and paper","Really" +"What do you call a plumber in a classic rock band","Mario Speedwagon" +"Why was the broken refrigerator so angry","Because he couldn’t keep his cool" +"Cop: Did the suspect have a birthmark. Mark: He’s alive","So I have to say Yes" +"My fiance is watching a lot of 'Say Yes To The Dress'. Here are a few of my peanut gallery comments to pass the time. I'm going to open my own wedding dress store. It's going to be called 'The Tulle Shop' . TLC is coming out with a new show that's about buying underwear. It's called 'Say Ja To The Bra' . What type of wedding dress did the future wife of the New York Yankee buy. A ball gown. Indian-themed weddings are also a gold mine because of the sari dress. Too many to list here. Stuff along the lines of I feel sari she has to pick between those two dresses . She'll be sari if she doesn't pick that dress","the list goes on and on" +"I was planning on having chicken for dinner but I forgot to take it out of the freezer","It wasn’t a well thawed out plan" +"I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free wifi","I remember the ad saying: Internyet" +"At dinner with my GF's family Her dad said if you hold a bee in one hand what do you have in your eye","Beauty, since beauty is in the eye of the bee holder" +"What do you call an arrogant criminal going downstairs","A *Con*descending" +"What did one toilet say to the other","You look a little flushed" +"Guy who owns the local cinema has died","His funeral is on Monday at 12:10, 14:20 and 18:40" +"Why can't a chicken pee","Because it eats with its pecker source: my dad" +"What do you call a sleepwalking nun","A roamin' Catholic" +"What do you call a retired miner","Doug" +"What looks like red paint but smells like blue paint","Red paint" +"The First Dad Joke How do we know that there were nuclear weapons in Genesis","Eve and the rest of Paradise was thoroughly Adamized" +"When is a door not a door","When it is ajar" +"Remember when plastic surgery used to be a taboo subject","Mention Botox and nobody raises and eyebrow" +"I would tell you something about your internal organs but","You wouldn’t get it; it’s an inside joke" +"What did the fish say when he ran into the wall","Dam" +"Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the washroom","Cause the P is silent" +"What would we call a hurricane after gender reassignment","A himmicane" +"A couple of dogs were sitting in the kitchen chewing the fat. First dog says, “I heard a good joke today. ” Second dog replies, “Go on then. ” First dog continues, “Knock Kno","Second dog leaps up and goes berserk" +"The Flash So I have started watching Arrow and The Flash. Although both are fun to watch","I like The Flash, it is a bit faster paced" +"What do you say to someone standing in pee","You're in urine" +"I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his. Job in. Road. Repair. But when","I got home all the signs were there." +"[NSFW] What's the last thing that goes through a flies head when it hits your windscreen","It's arsehole" +"What do zebras have that no other animal have","Baby zebras" +"Why can't a chicken coop have more than two doors","Because if it had 4 doors it would be called chicken sedan" +"Did you hear about what happened to the guy from the keyboard factory","He was fired for not putting in enough Shifts" +"Sometimes I wake up grumpy","and sometimes I let her sleep in" +"Passing by a restaurant Me and my father were driving down a street and he pointed out an obvious rip-off of Five Guys. It was a hamburger restaurant called *Two Guys*. I was a little peaved at them. **Dad:** They're not even half the resturaunt Five Guys is","It took me a minute" +"He may be old but he's still a dad go'damit I was playing golf with my grandfather and I was having a pretty bad day. Some birds start to fly down right in front of the tee box and the rest goes like this Me: Oh man all my balls have gone really high, I hope i don't hit a bird Grandpa: That would be the closet thing to a birdie you would have all day Me:","Grandpa: Falls over from laughing so hard" +"What do you call a kid that doesn’t believe in Santa Claus. So what do you call a kid that doesn’t believe in Santa Claus","A rebel without a Claus (insert all the groans here)" +"What do you call 2 birds stuck together","Velcrows" +"Just dadjoked my girlfriend by accident. She was walking down the hall towards her door, and I was leaving to go move my laundry from the washer to the dryer. Right as she was walking into her apartment, she said, Have fun doing laundry. I sarcastically replied, Oh im sure I'll have loads. She backtracked out of her door just to give a sickened and irritated look","I am so proud right now" +"What's the difference between SpaceX and a chicken. One makes rocket boosters","The other makes bock at roosters" +"Dad, I have something important to tell you . �� . 👂 . 👂👂👂 👂. 👂. 👂 👂. 👂. 👂 . 👂👂 . 👂 . 👂","👞" +"What do you call an overweight priest studying philosophy","A Deep Fat Friar" +"Did you hear who won the 5K race in Bangkok","It was a Thai" +"What do they call the law enforcement in Indiana","Indianapolice" +"I made my dad proud during the football game tonight","We were watching the Patriots/Falcons game, which had a ton of fog in the stadium obscuring camera views, when I dropped this one: “It’s weird that the fog is still there when the stadium is full of fans" +"Presented dad with a bottle of wine And noticed that he'd open it when I visited today. So I ask him how was the wine. Instantly he replies Divine . I should mention that English is not our native language, but we use it to communicate","Never have I expected him to make puns in English" +"This is a long one","OOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEE" +"Painted toes I got bored watching net flicks last weekend and painted my toes, I am a dude. A girl I climb with saw them. Girl: You paint your toes better than I can. Me: How can you possibly know that. You have never painted my toes","Girl:" +"I'm addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers","It's really hard to quit cold turkey" +"A post-exam dad joke Back when I was doing my undergrad, after we finished writing a final, my classmates would ask me: How did you find the exam","My standard reply was: I didn't have to; they handed it to me" +"What a sad time for classic rock. Trump won't let","Foreigner in the country" +"Every time I get a haircut. someone at work asks me Did you get a haircut","To which I always respond No, I got many hairs cut" +"Phone call from my aunt. So my mom had emergency surgery for an ovarian cyst this week. She's home since, and people are calling just to see how she is. The day after the surgery, my mom is still weak and can't walk very well. The phone rings, so I pick it up for her, it's my aunt","After the usual Hi, how are yous, she says to me, So, how's her cyst-a" +"Has the Abominable Snowman called","Not yeti" +"I was once in a band called 999 megabytes","We could never quite get a gig" +"My dad's go to Anytime my dad sees a dog licking its own balls if there is anyone around he ask don't you wish you could do that","If the person responds yes he cackles his way through give it a try I'm sure he'd let you" +"What's brown and sticky","A stick" +"Professor got a fellow student in class today We were talking about when women gained the right to vote in the U. in my Western Civilization class when my professor launched this zinger. Prof: When was your grandmother born. Student: 1917 Prof: Why couldn't she vote when she was born. Student: Because women didn't have the right to vote yet. Prof: No, because she was only one day old","I laughed, most of the class gave a nice groan" +"The repair shop didn't let me know when my car was fixed","It was uncalled for" +"Dadjoked my friend, the massage therapist My friend was telling me about how he had moved to a new state and was having trouble because the new state had stricter rules for becoming a licensed therapist. Friend: So I've been getting by, doing massages under the table","Me: That's funny, I thought most people did them on top of the table" +"Mom: Why is their a strange baby in the crib","Dad: You told me to change the baby" +"What did the pop can say to the bartender","Put it on my tab" +"I really like the way earth rotates","it really makes my day" +"What do underpants and helicopters have in common","In an emergency they both have to go down" +"Which of King Arthur's knights built the round table","Sir Cumference" +"Wife: Oh. I spilled olive juice on my dress. Me: How much. Wife: I don't know","Me: Was it olive it" +"Why do baseball players never have to worry","Because they cover all their bases" +"I saw a sign. It said, 'Trains are running as usual this morning","' Call me crazy, but I've never seen a train with legs before" +"6 hours after a major bank robbery took place, the bank have finally released their statement","Withdrawn: £9,000,000 Balance:£0" +"I own only two types of clothes— I wear my gym clothes when I exercise","For formal occasions, I wear my James clothes" +"Dadjoked my pregnant wife my pregant wife said to me before: i had chills a little while ago my response: where they multiplying","groans ensured" +"What do ya call an idiot influencer making fun of diseases","An influenza" +"OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me: “Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer. ” *pauses for effect* “","I guess I let it go to my head" +"How long's the next bus going to be","About the same length as this one but with a different driver" +"Last night. I spilled a bunch of small thumbtacks, then danced to the beat of them hitting the floor. That's right;","I got down to brass tacks." +"I heard the government was putting chips inside of people","Well mine better be sour cream and onion" +"My calculus teacher had a lisp, but he was brilliant","A real mathter" +"How do you spot a narcissist in a grocery store","He'll be doing the self checkout" +"Did you hear the rumor about butter","Well I’m not gonna spread it" +"I told my dad. I would get him a new fridge for. Father's. Day","Cant wait to see his face light up when he opens it." +"What do you call a racist blind person","A not-see" +"Why was the poster scared","Because it was under a tack" +"Seriously, Wtf happened to this Sub. http://imgur","com/a/CkdlJ" +"I gave all my dead batteries away today","Free of charge" +"Dad joke at the garage sale So I'm at a local garage sale, and I can't help myself, I have to look into the free bin. there, staring back at me was a guitar without any strings on it. and of coarse the dad joke of a lifetime. A sign that read free guitar, no strings attached",":D" +"A dog can’t operate an. MRI machine. But. CAT","Scan" +"Son: Hey dad, you wanna play Among Us","Dad: Sure, but what are we playing" +"What do you call french water","Le'quid" +"I have an awful joke about pizza","Actually, never mind, it's too cheesy..." +"How many grains of salt are in a salt shaker","A Lot" +"Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight","Because it was well armed" +"The 10 year old boy I nanny got me with a great dad joke today I just got a batch of letters from the kids I student taught and was in the middle of writing them back. Me: I only have 8 more letters to write and then I'm done. Boy: That won't take long. You just have to write ABCDEFGH and be done","I've taught him well" +"You've got to hear this joke about murder","It just kills me" +"I wouldn't buy anything with velcro","It's a total rip-off" +"What good when it's bad, and bad if it's good","Literally any dad joke" +"What did the pirate say on his eightieth birthday","Aye Matey" +"My therapist just told me that I’m incapable of verbalizing my feelings","Can’t say that I’m surprised" +"I dad joked my fwb We're in bed, and her 2 cats are jumping all over everything in her room. Typical cat things. Her: (sarcastically) I should just dump them outside on the sidewalk. Me: Wouldn't that be KITTY LITTER","Her: (groans)" +"To my daughter How are you like me. Me: How are you like me. Daughter: I have your inability to listen Me: What","Her: I have your inability to listen Me: Ha ha Her: I can't believe I fell for that, I was concentrating on my sandwich" +"Told one at my office today. No one laughed. My coworker was really excited we were getting bundt cakes from our local bakery for an upcoming party. I told him he shouldn't get his hopes up, because I'd never heard of anyone hitting a home run with a bunt","It wasn't a hit" +"I asked my wife if I’m the only one she’s been with","She said, “Yes, the other ones were at least sevens of eights”" +"Did you hear that Notre Dame is adding a new position to its football team","Hunchback" +"An Australian chess player went into a restaurant and ordered food. After having his food , the waiter asked him Cash or Credit , Sir","He said Cheque , mate" +"Everyone's talking about. Earth day. When in reality it's actually. SUN","Day" +"What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account","Prime mates" +"Wanna know what makes me smile","Face muscles" +"Dadjoked my girlfriend. She's dog sitting for her sister, and sent me a picture of the dog chasing a Frisbee she threw with the caption dog sitting :). I responded with no that's a dog running","She was amused" +"Gets me every mime. A mime comes home to find his wife in bed with another man. Turning to him, she says","Oh, don't act so surprised" +"What did the janitor say What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet","Supplies" +"Where does the dog scientist do his experiments","In his LABRADORy" +"What streets to ghosts haunt","Dead Ends" +"My florist died last week","He kicked the bouquet" +"I can see the future exactly two years from now","I have 2020 vision" +"I was playing pool with my friend Jacqueline , and I asked her, “Where is your cue","” Shr said, “Right after the C" +"Since my Dad died, my mom took over. She said his at his funeral. M: Why are funerals so noisy. M: Because of all the coffin","(My dad was notorious for these sort of jokes, so it went over really well, after the initial groaning :) )" +"TIL: About a guy named Mao who apparently wrote a book that became very famous despite the fact that very few people ever read it","Mao’s little read book" +"My first spontaneous dad-joke. My wife and I were recently at a small local zoo with our 1-year-old son, and we approached an exhibit with a couple of ravens","Wife: It's so sad that the ravens are separated by a fence Me, out of nowhere: I know, they're like Crow-meo and Juliet Her eyes rolled back so hard I thought I was at Walmart" +"A Physicist and a Biologist had a relationship","**But there was no Chemistry**" +"What do you get when you mix a duck, drugs, and playing cards","A quack dealer" +"The building had a no trespassing sign. So","I only walked through it twice." +"(X-post /r/jokes) Do you know what E. is short for","So he can fit into his spaceship" +"My Dad used to hit me with this one every chance he got. As a soon to be father, I cant wait to drive my own son nuts with this gold nugget. *on any unexpected car ride* **Me:** Dad, where are we going. **Dad:** Crazy. Want to come along. *looks over and laughs manically","* **Me:** UUUUGGGGHHH" +"What's your favorite pick-up line","Ford F-Series" +"Daughter learning of ancient animals at school * Daughter doing homework - Hey Dad, did you know the dodo bird ate rocks * Me - no, I didn't, but that's probably why they went extinct","* Daughter - ಠ_ಠ" +"Me at the bookstore: Do you have any books on turtles. Cashier: Hard back","Me: yea, with little heads" +"How do redheads approach things","Gingerly" +"What does Dave Grohl sing while hes baking","I've got another confection to bake" +"What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo","The hippo is heavy and the zippo is a little lighter" +"Did you hear about the fight at the fish and chip shop","Apparently someone got battered" +"I called my wife and asked her if I should pick up Fish and chips on the way home from work and she hung up","She's still angry she let me name the kids" +"Did you hear about the book the procrastinating clockmaker finally wrote","It's about time" +"Why do dog walkers make great detectives","They always have several leads" +"My Dad hit me with this one earlier My mom, dad and I were talking about me moving into a house with two cats (I'm allergic) Dad: Are they big cats or small cats. Me: I don't know, why","Dad: Well big cats are dangerous but a little pussy never hurt anyone My dad and I laughed our heads off while my mom just looked down and shook her head" +"My wife told me she was going to get me some poo pourri I asked her, what is that. She said, it's stuff you spray in the toilet before you go so it doesn't stink","I said, that's un-bowel-ievable" +"Did you hear about the Italian chef that died yesterday","He pasta way" +"Braille was easy to master. Once","I got a feel for it." +"I hate spelling mistakes","Mix up two letters and the whole thing is urined" +"Which vegetable likes to line up the most","A queuecumber" +"Serve alcohol at a party and nobody bats an eye","Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit!" +"Where do dead cows get buried","Cattlecombs" +"Addicted to brake fluid","You can stop anytime" +"Why couldn't the bike stand up on its own","It was two tired" +"This just in","If you watch an apple store get robbed, does that make you an iWitness" +"What did the duck say when it layed a square egg","Ouch" +"What do cows say when they are stuck in traffic","Mooooooooooooooove" +"My wife says I say ass a lot, butt I don’t","Ass you can see" +"hey dad, do we have any bread. Unfortunately, we have naan at this time","*groan*" +"What did the mexican fire chief name his two sons","Hose A, and Hose B" +"What do you call someone who discriminates against people who are missing toes","Lack-toes-intolerant" +"Writing errors are like sins","Repenned, all is forgiven." +"I saw one of the world's most accomplished cows earlier today","She was outstanding in her field" +"Why do Smurfs live alone","Because despite the appearance of their houses, they don't have mush room" +"How does the head of the Catholic Church pay for goods online","His papal account" +"I got a nail in my tire coming home from the grocery store. My meat, milk, icecream. Absolutely ruined while waiting on a tow truck","Should've bought asparagus" +"A director was flying from LA to NY He's on his way to shoot the first episode of a new TV show, but security gave him trouble when they asked why he was going to NY. He said I'm going to shoot a pilot . [Inspired by this comment](https://www. reddit","com/r/tifu/comments/747p2n/tifu_with_airport_security/dnw4u9x)" +"A warning to the person that stole my glasses","I have contacts" +"I was telling my dad about an ant problem in my bed on a recent trip to. India","To which he said, well, at least that's better than an uncle problem!" +"What do you call Elvis sitting on a chair","Pelvis Restly" +"/r/Dadjokes, I need your help So we all know the I'm hungry Hi hungry, I'm dad. My little brother has developed the counter No, I feel hungry. I need a subsequent dad counter to this, guys. Help me, guys","I'm not a dad yet, I haven't developed the skills" +"What’s the leading cause of dry skin","Towels" +"We're at the. McDonald's drive thru. My dad places our orders, as we're pulling up to the first window and he says, oh darn,","I forgot to tell them it's 'to-go'" +"whats the most expensive haircut","Chemotherapy" +"Got a co-worker with this one today. Co-worker: It feels like there is something in my shoe. Me: I think its your foot","Co-worker: *heavy sigh* really" +"Why did the baker have brown hands","Because he kneaded a poo" +"My girlfriend was discussing buying a watch for me She said How much are they new","I don't want to get you a used one About double the cost, but there's nothing wrong with used if it's in good condition I just don't want to buy you a second-hand one Well that's really silly, I would hope you'd get me one with a second hand ugh" +"Pretty sure my physics professor is a dad. Whenever we do an experiment using a graduated cylinder, he says Okay, now go get a graduated cylinder - of course, it graduated summa cum laude. I laugh every time","Followed by a slight sigh" +"Why do all hot dogs look the same","Because they're in-bread" +"So what if I don’t know what ‘Armageddon’ means","It’s not the end on the world" +"My girlfriend's leg was itchy. She was wearing leggings, thought something was poking/itching her and kept saying there's something in my leggings","I finally said yeah it's you" +"What was left after the French cheese factory exploded","Da Brie" +"I proposed to my girlfriend in the gym yesterday","But it didn't workout." +"What washes up on tiny beaches","Microwaves" +"What plants like Halloween the most","Bam-boo" +"Ewoks aren’t meant to be left outside","They’re Endor pets" +"Dadded my wife just a second ago. A lady at church said she was absent last week because she was under the weather. I turn to my wife and say, Aren't we all","Groans ensued" +"Got my boyfriend the other day I asked him if we could make plans on his day off. He said it depends on the catch up he has","I asked him, what if it's heinz" +"Every damn time *friend saying something stupid* me: *shaking head* ''Oh god. '' Dad: *running into the room* ''You called","''" +"A man walked into a bar and asked for helicopter flavoured and crisps","Sorry sir, we only have plane" +"My wife told me. I was terrible with directions. So","I packed up my things and right" +"Franklin is the last person that would let you down. He's a mortician","I love my Granddaddy" +"A ship was sinking and the crew had to throw coffins overboard","They couldn't have any dead weight" +"What type of music is best for fishing","Any catchy tune should help" +"Dad jokes with cake. This doesn't work for birthdays. This joke has a success rate of 100% (used three times seperate occasions). It was cousin's graduation party and they brought a cake out to celebrate. Everyone's gathered around the table watching the cake come out. Right before he starts cutting I sing Happy birthday to youuuuuuuu. Happy birthday to youuuuuu. Everyone starts joining in and I stop. It took everyone a bit before they realized what was going on and they all have a good chuckle. Fast foward to another cousins graduations (different side of the family) and it works again. My brother decide to try it out at an anniversary party (same side as the graduation, but a few years apart). It works again. Try it out and see how it works","I'd love to hear more people use it" +"Overheard a super dad at a restaurant today: Why do pirates get their ears pierced","Because it's only a buccaneer" +"Me and my dad were buying shoes today. We went to the cashier, which told us we could save 20% when we register for some thing. My dad said “sure. ” She responded with, “ okay. Can I have your number please. ” To which my dad said, “no sorry. I’m seeing someone","” The cashier laughed at this satanic uttering" +"What do you call a judge with no fingers","Justice Thumbs" +"What do you call an official weapon that shoots pieces of music","A canon canon cannon" +"Knock Knock . Who's there. Dish Dish who","Dish is Sean Connery" +"I asked my dad if he'd ever heard of. Post. Malone. He said no and asked what happened to. Pre","Malone" +"Mickey to Goofy: My knee hurts. Goofy: Which one","Mickey: Disney" +"I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head","But it didn't effect me It didn't effect me It didn't effect me It didn't effect me" +"I've had enough of people stealing my hay","It's the last straw" +"I'm reading a book about anti gravity","I cant put it down" +"Why won’t you starve in a desert","Because of all the 'sand which is' there" +"When my friend in. Iraq gave his daughter a new bag, she replied… Thanks for the","Baghdad." +"Transmissible Migraines are known as","Your-graines" +"NYPD officers brutally beat chinese immigrant after he refused to tell them his name . I lost faith in humanity , said. Fak","Yu." +"What's a baseball players favorite dessert","Bunt cake" +"Finishing up dinner at a restaurant when the waitress walks over. She looks at my dads leftovers and asks wanna box. My dad doesn't miss a beat and replies No, but do you wanna wrestle","He learned from the best, and I am following in his footsteps" +"What's more valuable to a bank, blood or sperm. And why. Sperm, because it's handmade. (I know, har har har","DoctorDadJokes ftw" +"I was paying for my groceries with a debit card The transaction didn't go through. There was a chip error. Me: Chip error. That's funny, I'm not even buying any chips","This produced a groan from the cashier and at least two people in line behind me" +"I was diagnosed as a sociopath, and now my family is afraid of me","I don’t understand why the would feel that way" +"What kind of music do mummies like the most","Wrap music" +"I work at a grocery store with my son and he rotated all the cleaning products and left me a note The note said I guess the tides have turned","I've infected him with dad humor" +"So I told my dad I needed a new computer mic He then said, “what about a computer bob or a computer Phil","How about a computer dan" +"Dad-joked my wife last night The kids were asleep and I just finished tuning up my wife's bike. Take it for a spin I said. She hops on and says I haven't ridden my bike since last summer. You'll be fine. I said. It's like riding a bike","I turn to my neighbour who was within ear-shot and he nods with a smirk of approval" +"My father-in-law wanted a picture with his new Christmas coffee cup","Here, take my mug shot" +"Why do you only need to say ‘q’ when pronouncing queue","Because u & e are waiting" +"Which Disney princess spends most of her day on dating apps","Tinderella" +"Well, he's not wrong. This morning, a commercial came on advertising the new, upcoming season of Modern Family. I had forgotten how the previous season had ended so I asked my father. How did last season end","he replied, With the credits" +"I'm an earthworm","Chicks dig me" +"A kid lights his house on fire","Dad: *putting arm around his wife, both tearing up* That’s arson" +"An Afghan. an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Jap, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub","The doorman stops them and says, Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai" +"Why did the blind man fall down the well","Because he couldn't see that well" +"Why was the office of cantaloupes so glum","Because they were melon-colleagues" +"What's the best way to build stairs","Step by step" +"Two guys walk into a bar","The third one ducks" +"A plumber and a contractor were arguing about something in a huge box. The contractor was adamant that whatever was in the box would not go in the building at any cost. The plumber insisted he was just trying to do his job and that it was imperative that the box go into the master bathroom. The contractor turned him away despite warnings that there would be consequences. Upon hearing this, the owner of the building got angry and hired a new contractor. The new contractor also wouldn't allow the contents of the large box into the building. He was also fired and a new contractor hired. This contractor was a fun person, giving the workers breaks and buying them lunch. Out of fondness, the workers warned him that when plumber comes, he should allow the box to go into the building","So the contractor asked how important the contents of the box were and the workers replied, Two people have been fired for not listening to the plumber, just let that sink in" +"My Boss: It's raining cats and dogs out there","Be careful, you might step in a poodle" +"My bus driver always wears a Bee costume a work","Guess he's a busy bee" +"If you have 17 apples in one hand and 14 apples in the other hand, what do you have","Really big hands" +"Please, just hear me out","I can see myself out." +"What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig","The F" +"Capitalization can really change the meaning of a sentence. Example: I like sugar","I like Capitalization" +"Why do we tell actors to break a leg","Because every play has a cast" +"Got the vet the other day Had my dog in for a tooth extraction and when the vet was looking over the chart I told her it was one of his canines","No, it's a molar Frustrating when nobody recognizes great humour" +"why don't beach-goers ever get hungry","Because of all the sand-which-is there" +"Why did the chicken cross the park","To get to the other slide" +"There was once a baker who was secretly dating two women. Their names were Edith and Kate. And neither one knew of the other. The baker loved them both, but couldn't decide on who to remain loyal to. When the women found out about their shared man, rather than fight, they decided to compromise","The baker was thrilled because he finally could have his Kate and Edith too" +"Some bad dad jokes about Europe (very bad) Germany has to be one of the smelliest countrys in Europe -Its so bad they have a town called Cologne Did you know France has a sibling that had a child. -Neither did I but its the only explanation for Nice Poland has this uncanny habit of not finishing its stories -Warsaw what. Belgium loves its greens -City named Brussels gives it away Everytime i tell anyone of these I need to laugh as the absolute cringe my girlfriend makes and then laugh through the pain of her hitting me whilst saying Its just not funny","Personally I love them and I thought i would share them with you" +"Boyfriend is already aspiring to be a dad. Me: I'm going to go file my nails","Him: Oh okay, what are you going to file them under" +"Shorter people are way more attractive than taller people","They are just way more down to earth" +"[Meta] The joys of working in a kindergarten class I started working as a teacher's assistant in a kindergarten class this year and am loving it so far. Last week, a kid said to me, Mr. *Xy*, I'm hungry. I responded with the classic, Hi hungry, I'm Mr. *Xy*. The entire table I was working with erupted in laughter - they had never heard that joke before. I was 100% expecting a groan from them","Since then, almost everyday, the kids set me up to tell it again" +"I. Told. My. Doctor. I. Broke. My. Leg. In 2. Places","He said not to go to those places again" +"I suck at geometry because my high school teacher was awful","She was always going off on tangents" +"I'm a father of 5 and an avid cyclist. My 8 year old son came to me with this one yesterday. 8yo: Dad. I've got a joke I think you'll like. It's about bikes. Me: Yeah. What is it. 8yo: What kind of moustache does a bike grow. Me: I don't know. 8yo: A handlebar","I'm very proud" +"What band performed for The Incredible Hulk's birthday","Green Day" +"What is a cow’s favorite thing to do","Listen to mooosic" +"Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines","Because they have a supreme ruler" +"How many Dads does it take to change a light bulb","None, that's what kids are for" +"My husband got me. My husband and I were discussing some of my ex-boyfriends, and he noticed that I only went out with mopey guys. So he said, I know what your favorite book is. Mopey Dick","I laughed way harder than I should have" +"How do you stick two birds together","With duck tape" +"Pulled off a nice dadjoke at a restaurant. I went out with a buddy to a restaurant / sandwich shop where you order your meal, they give you a plastic card with a number on it that you place at your table and then they will bring the food out to you. Waitress walks up and places the sandwiches on the table. W: Enjoy your meal, can I have your number. Me: *","points at left hand* Sorry, but I'm married She gave a fake smile and I gave her the plastic number card, me and my buddy laughed for a few" +"I guess it was a righteous pun I was listening to the news with my dad when the newsreader mentioned a nun beauty pageant. Dad: Oh, that's not good. We'll have *nun* of that","Me: *groan* Dad: Do you think it'll become a *habit*" +"My boyfriend didn't like my new haircut A month later I asked him if he's changed his mind yet. He said yeah, it's growing on me","No, it's growing on me" +"If you lean close to the. Beethoven's grave","You can hear him decomposing" +"Working in a mirror factory is something","I could totally see myself doing." +"I was in a band during the 80s called. The. Prevention. We were better than. The","Cure." +"What did one eye say to the other","Between you and me, something smells" +"Arrested for stealing a calendar","I got 12 months" +"I sneezed and my kids laughed","I yelled, You think its funny, but it's snot." +"What do you need to become an Hispanic magician","A magic juan" +"I was never good at telling dad jokes","Probably because he was never around" +"Boy, my ears are really hot","I'd better turn on my ear conditioning" +"I think I see dead people. I must have a 6 cents because [I see dead people](https://imgur","com/gallery/larvl)" +"What type of people never get angry","The nomads" +"I was in the garden with my ladder yesterday","It wasn't my real ladder though, it was my stepladder" +"I've seen a meteoroid last night","really nice, really down to earth" +"A fisherman was trying to learn the alphabet. But he got lost at","C" +"My first official dad joke. My son was born today and after the delivery my wife said I'm tired and. I said hi tired,","I'm dad she wasn't happy lol" +"Sonic trailer is released as a reminder that. Ramadan is next week and that","I have to go fast" +"I watched a movie about graphs last night, but I was slightly disappointed","The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible" +"Guess what. Me: Guess what. Person: What","Me: Good guess" +"Why should you never interrupt a kidnapping","They get really cranky if they don't get enough sleep" +"Being a teacher requires a lot of patience to be successful. What other jobs do. Doctors, Dentists, and really anyone in the medical field","More patients = more money" +"Unavailable https://www. youtube. com/watch. v=WIh7n7vo4r8 [Mirror](http://imgur","com/Nb35b6x)" +"Why does the Queen let Netflix use her likeness in The Crown","She probably gets royalties" +"Did you hear about the $. 45 concert","It's 50 Cent featuring Nickelback" +"I got a coworker really good. A while back, a coworker of mine cut herself on a meat slicer. She went to the er and got her hand stitched up. She messaged me that she had to get a tetanus shot, but her phone auto corrected to Tetris shot . I told her to make sure to get a Pac-man shot while she was there. She asked her doctor for one and he was very confused, and she was very embarrassed","My best one yet" +"My dad used to work at the local sewage refinery","His hours were shit" +"Whats the best way to greet Zeus. You say Hey Zeus","Made up by my 13 year old" +"How do ponies communicate with each other","Horse code" +"What do you call an under-cooked dinosaur","Raw" +"What does Hitler sleep with","Mein Kampforter" +"My dad this morning Dad: Do you know why your cat is meowing. Me: Because he wants you to open the door, so he can get in","Dad: No, because he is a cat" +"Open here to see a secret message","A secret message" +"It was a sad day on. Sunday. But the day before was a","Saturday." +"I invited my dry cleaner out to lunch but he couldn't make it","He had pressing business to attend to" +"I was walking along the beach with my dad and saw three nuns in full outfit so I asked my dad, why would they wear that type of outfit to the beach","Habit" +"I need to learn how to cook chicken better","It keeps tasting foul" +"Why are hands so reliable","Because you can always count on them" +"Why is divorce so expensive","… because it’s worth it" +"Certain animals seem to like certain styles of music and specific bands","Termites like Styx" +"Hey you wanna hear a joke. Do you want any crackers. (Reply) Because this joke is pretty cheesey","" +"When my daughter asked me to cook her some eggs this morning","Omelet you do that yourself" +"What kind of computer says hello","Adell" +"I think I got a pretty good tan this summer","Or is it just a pigment of my imagination" +"How many people live in South America","At least one Brazillion" +"What did the man with five penises say when putting on his condom","It fits like a glove" +"This just happened, and I actually laughed out loud. Obligatory post. Son: Dad do you think my new toy is cool","Me: Actually, it's probably room temperature" +"A man just attacked me with cheese and milk","How dairy" +"My wife asked me what the weather forecast for Christmas was","I told her, It looks like reindeer" +"how to get a girl","I was at the grocery store and saw a cute girl, so i dropped a lime on the ground and fumbled around with it for a minute and said sorry im terrible at pickup limes" +"I asked my dad, What are you up to today","My dad replied About 6 foot 2" +"Two wind turbines are standing in a wind farm. one turns to the other and says “what’s your favorite kind of music","” He replied “I’m a big metal fan" +"If I ever have to buy a cucumber and nothing else…","I’m also buying lube so the cashier doesn’t think I’m vegan" +"Why do flamingos stand on one leg","If they lift it up they will fall" +"My mum said. I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when","I drove pasta." +"Can you fit your fist in your mouth. Me: Can you fit your fist in your mouth. Fiancé: No, can you","Me: I don't know, open wide" +"In college I took a class on braille","The professor said we'll probably touch on everything" +"What did the man say when his dog ran away","Well, doggone" +"Daughter: Dad, what are instincts","Dad: I don't know, what does your gut tell you" +"Knee cap. So my brother just hit me with this one. He looks around asking if anyone had a hat. He eventually got one and put it on my knee and says look, its a knee-cap","He then starts to laugh pretty hard" +"I ALWAYS WRITE MY DAD JOKES IN CAPITALS","This one is written in Washington, DC" +"My wife said take the spider out instead of killing it","We went out for a few drinks; cool guy, said he wants to be a web designer" +"My wife was reading an article about baby massages Me: Do you think they work. Her: I'm not sure","Me: I don't think their fingers are strong enough" +"My first crack at a dadjoke. I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me You're always bringing home hummus now","To which I replied, Hummus where the heart is" +"Thought you guys might like my tattoo. It's only temporary, but I still love it. https://m. imgur","com/kpr474Z" +"What do you call someone who cleans vacuum cleaners","A vacuum cleaner" +"What do you call a dog that hears voices","Shih-Tzu-phrenic" +"I can't think of any kayak puns","Canoe" +"Girlfriend said her foot hurts from walking so much yesterday. I guess trouble is afoot. Maybe you should see a doctor. Unless you don't want to foot the bill. Or maybe your foot is just hungry","I can hear it going 'feet me, feet me" +"What did the t-shirt vendor say to the psychic","What are you, a medium" +"Dad sits in an empty seat at the movie theater and the lady in the seat next to him says, Excuse me, there's someone sitting there","Dad gets up, turns around, looks at the seat more closely and says, Oh gosh, I hope I didn't hurt him" +"If you injure yourself at a chnese restaurant","Just wok it off" +"How do you sell a caravan to a dwarf","*crouches down* Do you want to buy a caravan" +"What do you call a horse that is good at football","Neighhhhh-mar" +"I have a fear of speed bumps","but I'm slowly getting over it" +"Got my coworker with this one My fitbit says I'm in Dakar. I don't even know where Dakar is. Easy","It's in daparking lot" +"There was a kidnapping at my school today","Don't worry, he should wake up pretty soon." +"How do you cut the ocean in half","Use a sea saw" +"My new car is very loud","It drives me crazy" +"How do an Englishman, a Frenchman and an Israeli greet Barack Obama","Yes Oui (Yes in French) כן (Ken - Yes in Hebrew)" +"You can't have any flowers","If you haven't botany" +"What was it like to see the very first newspaper","Simply inkreadable" +"Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road","It got stuck in a crack" +"What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo","One's quite heavy, and one's a little lighter" +"DO NOT spell the word ‘part’ backwards","Its a trap" +"What is invisible and smells like bananas","Monkey Farts" +"I don’t trust that tree outside","It’s a bit shady" +"A son walks up to his father and says I finally watched that Documentary on that Swedish clock maker","We'll it's about time" +"Did you hear about the physicist who ran the 100 meters wearing only suspenders","He won the Nobelt Prize" +"I'm an RA at my college, so I made a hall theme of some of my favorite Dad Jokes. http://imgur","com/gallery/Pbr9o" +"I’ve only dated one short person, but you know why we broke up","We didn’t really see eye to eye" +"Should chicken be eaten with your fingers. No. Fingers should be eaten separately","(My dad's favorite)" +"Actual joke my late dad used: Me - See you later, dad","Dad: Thanks for the warning" +"A little advice from Dad. Turns out this is not an original, but, sage advice all the same. So Dad, if you were me right now, what would you say to a person in my position. You're in my chair","" +"How the Ewoks manage to sneak up on Han Solo, Chewbacca and Luke Skywalker","They used their Endor voices" +"What did the teacher with googley eyes say","I've got no control of my pupils" +"How has your office been. My dad (a pediatrician) would always tell this Goddamn joke to everyone on earth growing up. Person: hey _____, how’s your office (*medical practice*) been","My dad: well I must not be good at it because I’m *STILL PRACTICING*" +"Why can't your nose be 12 inches long","Because then it would be a foot" +"How does Moses make his coffee","Hebrews it" +"Have you heard how the moon cuts his hair","Eclipse it" +"What do you call a 3","14 meter long snake A Pi-thon" +"South America has the perfect weather for penguins","It's nice and Chile" +"My wife's been pregnant for so long","It feels like a maternity" +"I relabelled the jars in our spice rack. I haven't gotten into trouble with my wife just yet","but the Thyme is Cumin" +"I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges. ” I said, “That’s","a big step" +"My wife told my daughter she can't play on the office chair without supervision","I told my daughter if she put on glasses it would be okay." +"What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw","Outlaws are wanted" +"A police officer ask his son to come inside but he refuses","The son is now being taken in" +"Three sewing machines walk into a bar The first says to the second, “Are you a Singer. ” The second replies, “Why, Janome","” The third remarks, “Oh, Brother" +"Why is the God of Thunder an insect","Because he's got a head, an abdomen, and a Thor axe" +"It’s easier to prevent ladies from eating. Tide. Pods","It’s harder to deter gents" +"Dad popped this zinger today My dad said that if my mother was Jewish, I would have to do anything he said. I asked, Why. he then answered with because you half Jew","(Have too) Comedy gold dad, gold" +"Today I couldn’t take my hat off","I guess you could say it was in caps lock" +"Who farted","I don't know; *your gas is as good as mine" +"Selling a broken puppet for $1","no strings attached" +"Dad joked strangers the Denver Botanical Gardens I spotted a turtle swimming in one of the ponds. A kid with a family next to me excitedly said, it looks like he 's coming over here. To which I replied, yeah, he's coming right tortoise","" +"A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and respect","A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la" +"How do you track Will Smith","Look for fresh prints" +"What do you call a wedding between two Russian people","A Soviet Union" +"An infinite number of mathematicians walked into a bar. The first one ordered one beer, the second ordered 1/2 a beer, the third ordered 1/4 of a beer and so on","The bartender poured two beers and said: “I know my limits”" +"What did the vegan DJ shout at the party","Lettuce turnip the beet" +"What did the baby corn call his dad","Popcorn" +"How did the trees feel when spring rolled around","Re-leaved" +"Why does Spiderman have such good comebacks","Because with great power comes with great response ability" +"I was mad about my wife's new tattoo, so I treated myself to the nudie bar","I guess you could say it was tit for tat" +"Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by putting it in water. If it sinks, its a girl ant","If it floats, its boy ant" +"What makes a joke funny","👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽👊🏽" +"What are you drinking, son. Soy milk","Hola Milk, soy Padre" +"In my twenties, I used to live in a houseboat and started dating the girl next door","Eventually we drifted apart" +"Did you hear the story about the Phantom Corkscrew","It had a twist ending" +"What do you call an Irish dictator","An O'Ppressor" +"I have a friend who is addicted to drinking brake fluid","But he says he can stop at anytime." +"I don't trust stairs, they're always upto something","On the other hand , they are down to earth" +"I fell and hurt my back 6 weeks ago","When someone asks how my back is, I simply respond It's behind me now" +"A Flora and Fauna Funny My wife and I were hanging out in our room when the cat walked in. I looked at it and told her to give us some privacy, and she left. I said to my wife oh shit, she knows English. She's a spy. My wife goes yeah, I think she's a plant. Without thinking, I replied nope, she's a cat. Now my wife refuses to acknowledge me when I talk. Worth it","edit: derp typo" +"30 is the best time","hands down" +"Why should you stand in a corner when you’re cold","They’re usually about 90 degrees" +"I used to think all comforters were warm","But that's just a blanket statement" +"i asked my son what he was thinking about, he said, “Nothing","” he then disappeared from existence" +"My husband’s adding to his stash of dad jokes for our future children—here’s an especially eye-rolling example when we were walking back from class today. I noticed a couple of really cute ground squirrels that have started a little community next to the soccer field at our college campus, and pointed them out. This was his reply. DH: Oh man, they’re adorable. Can you buy one of those at a pet store","I wonder how much they’d gopher" +"So I had a dream about my deceased grandpa. He started a school on the moon","And all my friends wanted to go there because they heard there's a lot less pressure" +"My dad had a colonoscopy. Me: Are you all right dad. It wasn't too bad, was it","Dad: It was a pain in the arse" +"boyfriend got me while cooking. BF: Oh no. We have a leak in the kitchen. Me: what.","As I was cutting up leeks for a dish" +"What's. Hitler's favorite number","Negative 6,000,000" +"I hear animals are closer to God 'cause of their fur","Fur, the love of God" +"My mother-in-law was having dinner with us, and began coughing while eating her corn on the cob. She said, I'm choking on a kernel of corn . I said at least it wasn't a General of Corn","No one laughed except me" +"How did the pornstar make dill bread","With a Dill Dough" +"First day at work I started my internship today at an environmental consulting firm. My boss was introducing me to a colleague. Boss: This is Ellie-okay, he's the summer intern and he's studying civil engineering. Colleague: I can tell, he's very polite. All the guys around his cubicle groaned while the three of us let out a big laugh","I think I'm gonna like working here" +"I was in an archery class. and the instructor was talking about the longbow","As he was going on about how it could be used by both right handed and left handed archers with no difficulty, I piped up and said So it's am-bow-dextrious" +"My 5 year old granddaughter kept following me while holding a bucket. I asked her what the bucket was for and she said","“Dad says if you kick it, we’ll be rich" +"Here's a collection of my favorites posts for r/dadjokes http://imgur","com/6lDTdRJ" +"If you're capable of making a post without misspelling your and you're Do you get a-post-trophee","Your welcome" +"Most of my geology jokes sink like rocks","but sometimes I come up with a gem" +"My father told me why flamingos stands on one leg","'If he were to pick it up, he'd fall over" +"Did you hear about Jesus' crossword","He got stuck on 2 across" +"How did I finally figure out homophones, you ask","I just put to, too, and two together" +"David Bowie's Culinary Enterprises David Bowie is reported to be opening a pop-up one time food stand next Saturday in Santa Monica","There will be Gyros, but just for one day" +"I met a microbiologist yesterday","He was bigger than I imagined" +"What do you call a bear in the rain","A drizzly bear" +"I was pretty tall for my age when I was younger. One day, I say to my dad, Hey Dad. Could you imagine if I grew another foot","To this, he says, Well, son, then we'd have to buy you another shoe" +"What do you do when a scientist dies","Barium" +"Why is corn popular around Halloween","Because it’s so earie" +"Why doesn't Peter Pan ever go near ground","Because he Neverlands" +"What does a comedian take inventory of before a show","Their laughing stock" +"My magician friend is really excited about his new trick, where he tries to pack himself into a small suitcase","He can hardly contain himself" +"My wife convinced me to have reversed roles during sex last time","That was a pain in the ass" +"How does a queen bee get around her hive","She's throne" +"What do you call an elephant in a phone booth","Stuck" +"Proudest day as a dad My 6 year old son came up to me tonight and asked, What are you holding under there. I ask, Under where","He walks away, laughing his ass off" +"Why are computers smart","Because they follow their mother boards" +"Why shouldn’t you fight a dinosaur","Cause you’ll get jur-ass-kicked" +"What do you call a butter substitute that's always wrong","A margarine of error" +"I once stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun went","Then it dawned on me" +"What did the detective say when he found bread from France at a crime scene","Baguette" +"Two antennas fell in love","The ceremony was terrible, but the reception was fantastic!" +"How does an. Indian say bye to his mom","Mumbai" +"What is a pirates favorite. Apple product. The","I-patch" +"Why should you never tell banana jokes","Because they're all bent" +"I've just got a job answering other people's phones","Turns out it's not for me" +"What do you call a bodyguard for System of a Down","A Serj protector" +"Daniel Handler, AKA Lemony Snicket, dished out plenty of dadjokes in his AMA, here's one of my favorites. http://i. imgur. com/j5JluY4. png Or a link to the comment if you prefer that: http://www. reddit","com/r/IAmA/comments/21xynj/this_is_daniel_handler_aka_lemony_snicket_trapped/cghhkat" +"What happened when the cannibal arrives late to the dinner party","He got the cold shoulder" +"What did the Flash name his car","A Flash Drive" +"What clothes does a house wear","Address" +"What's the difference snowmen and snowwomen","Snowballs" +"How do you go a whole day without sleeping. You just sleep at night. My boss's kid told told him this this morning","lol" +"My wife told me she'd had enough of my flamingo impersonations, and told me to stop","At this point, I had to put my foot down" +"Apparently, gluing books to your ceiling is a good way to enhance your learning","I've been reading up" +"About 43% of people really care about math","The other 74% don’t give a crap." +"Why Doesn't Ariel Use The Space Bar","It's unda da C" +"What do evil chickens lay","Deviled Eggs" +"It's kind of chilly out","Well at least it isn't soupy" +"Why was the calendar depressed","Because it’s days were numbered" +"What do you call a snobby criminal going down the stairs","A condescending con descending" +"Whats an insects favourite sport","Cricket" +"I wouldn’t make an egg pun","Because some yolks aren’t funny" +"A guy tried to sell me a casket today","I said, “Look buddy, that’s the last thing I need" +"Always knock on the fridge door before opening it","Just in case there is a salad dressing" +"41 Dad Jokes in 4 Minutes I don't know if this post is breaking any of r/dadjokes's rules, but if it is I will repair them in the morning. https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=FFym8JwlYxY" +"We must not let 2020 come to a close","Otherwise we will have to admit that 2021" +"My coworker is redoing her driveway She was talking about how she needed the measurements of the driveway so that she would know how much gravel she needed. She turns towards me and asks me in the middle of her ramblings How many feet are in a yard","Without missing a beat I reply Two if you're standing in it" +"What do you call a pissed off redhead","A gingersnap" +"I picked up an electric bug zapper racket the other day. All you bad bugs beware","I just joined the SWAT team" +"Why could the pirate never finish reciting the alphabet","He always got lost at c" +"Why did the magician fail in his exam of magic tricks","Because trick questions were asked in the exam" +"Finally left my job at the circus where. I was part of the human pyramid","That's a huge weight off my shoulders" +"I was arguing with my dad about how median is the best average. He just doesn't agree with me","I think he is a very mean person" +"Got a new car with awesome sound system but it won't sing songs","Because it's a Hummer" +"Why can't you trust atoms","Because they make up everything" +"What do you call it when Indiana Jones chases you around town in a Mustang and continually honks at you. Harassin’ Ford","please don’t hurt me for this one" +"Every day, I tell my wife the same joke about a marathon runner","It’s a running joke" +"My parents' instagram [Classic Dad comment](http://i. imgur. com/9UBGykP. png) EDIT: [link to instagram](https://instagram","com/p/5FP1ePg-t9/) if you need it" +"What did the man say when he finally past his kidney stone","Urethra" +"My dad dropped this one on the family when my young nephew started fussing. My young (about a year old) nephew was really grumpy all day and kept crying. My dad was holding him at the time, and my mom asks my dad, Do you thing he's teething","To which my father replies, No, I'm pretty sure he's theriouth ( serious , but said with a lisp)" +"How do you fix a broken pizza. Use tomato paste","(Told to me today by a jolly policeman" +"Got my girlfriend to groan really loud with this one We were talking about her cat and it went something like this: Me: Is your cat spayed. Her: Yep, poor Tubbie (the cat's name) has no uterus. Me: Really. I thought they would have just tied her tubes instead of giving her a full Hiss-terectomy Her: *Groans for days* I am not yet a dad but one day I think I'll be decent at it","Edit: formatting" +"From “noob raid” My son’s nursery school just bought some brand new air fresheners","Its a Day Care Scenter" +"So a mouse rescues another mouse from drowning, and finds him unconscious What does he do to help him. Mouse to mouse resuscitation. My dad hit me with this one during lunch","I couldn't even" +"Have you played that Michael Jackson game yet","It's a thriller, but I can't seem to beat it" +"I was at a Mexican restaurant. My friend asked me if poblano peppers were hot","I said I don't know, pobanobly not and then chuckled for two minutes while she rolled her eyes" +"Want to know why I love the sun","It always seems to make my day" +"Many years ago, all the female Warlocks perished in the desert. The individual male Warlocks, try as they might, could not master the art of bringing back their counterparts and all seemed lost. Then, two young Warlocks found that, by working together - one recreating the body while the other recreated the soul - they could bring them back to life from the very sand they died in","It's crazy but they could finish each other's Sand Witches" +"Oh jeez dad. *Talking to my dad about the upcoming summer. * Me: Man I want to golf so bad","Dad: You already do" +"How does Bach greet Solo","Johann" +"My dad and I were walking around at a protected tide pool","When he spotted a jellyfish stuck between two rocks and, without skipping a beat, pointed and said Looks like we have a jelly in a jam in a preserve" +"What is your shortest birthday","Your 20 second birthday" +"Friend's dad thought he was original This happened a year ago, but I still laugh about it. I asked my buddy where his brother was, because he wasn't at home. My friend said He's in Albuquerque with his wife for Thanksgiving. His dad then chimed in with He's eating Albuturkey in Albuquerque","" +"Last night I met a three","It went way better than the time I metaphor" +"Dad joked some friends at lunch. In order to break some silence one of them said You know what really sucks","I immediately replied vacuums" +"I finally got my P","Public High-school Diploma" +"What do you call a person without a son","Per" +"What do you order at Starbucks when you're sad","A depresso" +"Wifey was angry. Wifey was angry and threw a wheel of cheddar at me","I told her “That wasn’t very mature”" +"Whats the least edgy show on BBC1","Pointless" +"My grandfather posted this on Facebook. He thinks he's hilarious. http://m. imgur","com/DhkULuH" +"I just watched a video on joining two pieces of sheet metal together. It was riveting. I didn't watch the hole thing though","*That* would be boring" +"My son's birthday is today, we were a about to sit down to breakfast Me: You already eight right. Son: No, I haven't Me: So then you're still seven","Son:" +"I tried to catch clouds yesterday. Mist","Guess i'll have to fog-et about it" +"Where do you get water from","Well" +"On our way back from a road trip and we keep seeing those factory built houses being transported on flatbed trailers","So I say to my fiance: There goes the neighborhood" +"How do you find Will Smith in the snow","Follow the Fresh Prints" +"Suggestion (also added a joke at the end): I love this subreddit but some jokes just come around 5+ times a day, would it be possible to remove -frequent- reposts. My wife got mad at me because apparently I have no sense of direction. I immediately packed my stuff and right","(I hope not everyone knows my joke yet, haven’t seen it on here" +"My buddy used to date a cross-eyed girl","Then he found out she was seeing someone on the side." +"Whats orange and sounds like a parrot","A carrot" +"If. I could be a any kind of animal for one single day","I would choose a thursday." +"Dad joked at the beach. My sister found a bunch of pieces to a sand dollar. She brought them inside on a paper plate. My dad walked by and said, looks like someone got change for a dollar","Laughed hysterically, then walked away" +"[Kinda NSFW] I discovered I have a fetish for figuring things out","(X-post /r/puns) I came to the realization" +"I used the wrong color cloth and now my whole knitting project is ruined","Sorry, wrong thread" +"I got hit with a rental car","It Hertz" +"The worlds largest bounce house is now touring the U. At 10,000 square feet, the house is large enough to live in","The rent is pretty expensive but that's mostly due to inflation" +"My therapist said. I never commit to anything. So","I" +"Got dadjoked by my girlfriend this evening Girlfriend: What are you up to. Me: Watching a movie. Girlfriend: Which one. Me: This is Where I Leave you. Girlfriend: Oh, I'll talk to you when you get back then","" +"I tried my top 10 dad jokes at work to make my coworkers laugh","but no pun-in-ten-did" +"I’ve got the memory of an elephant. I remember one time","I went to the zoo and saw an elephant" +"I gave my cat a bath yesterday and she loved it","The worst part was getting all the hair off of my tongue" +"I have a good idea for a joke about construction,. But","I’m still working on it." +"I’d love to give cash to the Catholic Church","But they only accept Papal" +"My wife is growing up to be a good dad. We are doing a landscaping project and we are looking for a wheeled basket to help transport rock to our backyard","She said I wonder if anyone has something we can barrow" +"I did origami with a car yesterday what car you say","Well, a Mercedes Bendz" +"I felt pretty sick after drinking milk with cream","My stomach was churning for a while, but now I’m finally feeling butter" +"TIL my grandpa sold fake fertilizer to farmers in the 50's","He always used to say he was in the shampoo business." +"I now feel every ones pain. I was talking to my daughter while making dinner and as i put the pasta in the sauce, i say to my daughter what do you call a prostitute you pay with spaghetti. At this point the crickets are loading up their guns ready for suicide. I say with the biggest smile on my face a PASTATUTE. My daughter hasn't spoken a word to me so far this night","I now feel everyones pain" +"So...","A woman got the first ever wooden breast implants yesterday it would of been funny if this joke had a punchline wooden tit" +"Is this sub still active","Nobody has posted anything all year" +"My 5yo came up with 2 dad jokes, she's definitely daddies little girl: What is weak. A: The week days. What is tough. A: The Week ends. She sat came up with each of these a few days apart and cackled after saying them","My wife groaned, I was so proud :D" +"Did you hear about the man who was beaten with stringed instruments","It was a brutal act of violins" +"Two goldfish in a tank","One turns to the other and says, how do you drive this thing" +"What is a Nazi's favorite keyboard command","Alt+right" +"A coworker wasted my time with this joke today. (Long joke) There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight’s armor. The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious","And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides" +"He got us. He cracks himself up. So, I'm about to eat breakfast at my parents. I ask what kind of bread everyone wants. My mom says, I like the dill rye bread. My dad replies, that's because it's made of dill dough. And they both start laughing hysterically. My parents, ladies and gentlemen","37 years together and she still finds him funny" +"A Chinese child was born before his due date","His parents named him Sudden Lee" +"My wife wants me to be more sensitive. So I got her abacus beads for her birthday. She said, “What the hell are these","” I said, “It’s the little things that count" +"Dad, have you seen the Wet Paint sign that I made for my school","I've seen it somewhere but I can't put my finger on it" +"Just saw a documentary about beavers","Best dam movie I’ve ever seen" +"What’s blue and not very heavy","Light blue" +"My lack of knowledge of Greek Mythology","is my Achille’s knee" +"What do you call echo in a can","Tintin" +"One of the worst I've heard What is loud and sounds like apples","APPLES" +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon","Great food, no atmosphere" +"Hey, that show comes on at 8 o'clock if you're interested in watching","Actually, it'll come on at 8 if you're not interested too" +"Dad jokes are the best and i am now gonna write why","Why" +"I wrote a poem about non-newtonian fluids","It didn't really flow" +"Where do you learn to make ice cream","Sunday school" +"I was with my friends and then we saw some cows, so I said hey look. A flock of cows. My friend said a *herd* of cows of course I've heard of cows, look there's a flock of them over there","I never saw those men again" +"My dad made me groan with this These two guys from Canada founded a new college. They called it The Canada Institution. The first guy says to the second guy, We need to think of a shorter name, can you think of one","The second guy says, I don't know, Can I" +"My kids’ laziness is like the number 8","When they lie down, it becomes infinite" +"An atheist refused to solve a quadratic equation","Because they do not believe in higher powers" +"Chemist tries a dadjoke My cousin got [this email](http://imgur","com/gallery/VbIxmrL/new) from her prof" +"Girlfriend accepts that I'm always right and we were talking about future kids Me: I dunno how I'll feel about it Her: Whatcha mean. Me: I'm not sure how I'll feel about kids who will only be half right Her:","Me: But it's okay I guess because they'll be half left too Her: Oh my goodness" +"I laughed the hardest Me: Did you know it's against the law for people living across the street from a cemetery to be buried there. Unsuspecting victim: Why","Me: They aren't dead" +"What did one fly say to the other","Is this stool taken" +"Got My Co-Worker Today Co-Worker: adamo57, look at that dog going into the bank. Me: He just wants to make a woofdrawl, let him be.","She got up and left" +"Alligators can grow up to 20 feet","But most only grow 4" +"Did you hear about corduroy pillows","They're making headlines" +"Like most people my age,","I'm 45." +"something interesting. The","Reddit iPhone app told me to post that." +"I was making a sandwich for dinner and commented to her that we were running low on lettuce. I thought we got a head. And I sadly had to reply, We're no longer ahead. We're behind","The response was a sigh and a quiet, Oh, god" +"Adventure in Peru","Alpaca my bags" +"Was driving down the road the other day. When I came upon a flock of birds in the middle of the road. I expected the birds to all scatter before I hit them, but BAM, one of the birds hit the front of my car, flew over the top, and struck a police officer's car right behind me","He immediately pulled me over and issued me a citation for flipping him the bird" +"The alphabet scares me. “A bee sea. ” No thank you","I’ll just stop you right there" +"Got my own dad with this one Dad: Still no haircut. I thought you didn't like your hair that long. Me: I guess you could say it's growing on me","( •_•)>⌐■-■ / (⌐■_■)" +"why was the broom late","it overswept" +"A helpful Christmas suggestion from Dad. http://i. imgur. com/kr82iKM","png" +"I'm so excited for spring","I wet my plants" +"My dad goes to. Mexican restaurants and shakes the empty chip container like a peddling homeless man and says : Chips for the poor favor","He does it to this day and laughs every time, my sister and mother have chosen to start ignoring that type of behavior which makes it funnier to me" +"My brother was talking about what it would be like adding cannabis to our family barbecue","The steaks are high" +"I told a joke to a chemist","But there was no reaction" +"I stood in the bathroom for 45 minutes. Waiting for an employee to come and wash my hands. They never did. Terrible service","I'm never going back" +"Frozen Sititng in University lecture during student presentation. Student says to the professor Professor, the computer is frozen","Professor responds, Did you let it go" +"If you sit on a toilet seat, you are connecting your butthole to a city network of buttholes","And that's a huge ass connection" +"Retirement job When I retire I think I'll get a job as a waiter","I know it won't pay much but it'll put food on the table" +"Ten plus ten equals eleven plus eleven. Ten and ten is twenty","Eleven and eleven is twenty too" +"What does the owl say. (True story) My wife and I are calling it a night and we hear an owl outside our window. After 15 mins, no more owl and it’s dead quite My wife: thank God we can’t hear the owl anymore Me: Who. Wife: the owl Me: Who. Wife The OWL. Me: Who. Wife:","*groan* go to bed Me: *got her* :)" +"Kids, you know I really love my furniture","Me and my recliner go way back" +"Dad, can you do my math homework for me. No son, it wouldn't be right","Well, at least you could try" +"Why did TIGGER always smell bad","Because he was constantly playing with Poo" +"Not been using an exercise bike for long","But I really feel like it's working out" +"Son- Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is. Dad- No son","Son- Cmon no fair" +"I never understood. Stephen. King. Then. I got","It" +"Not sure if this qualifies. My dad says Pika just before he sneezes every. single","time" +"If. I ever own a ranch in my old age. I'm definitely gonna call it Pasture","Prime" +"I hate. German sausage","It's the wurst kind." +"Got my wife with this one First time post - I just had to share this. After years of training my wife that my sons Xbox games can't always be paused instantly, she has at last got used to the idea and actually asks if it can be paused. Her ( to son): Can you pause your game and give me some help . Son: Not right now, I'm in the middle of a level. Her: Ok, let me know when you can pause it. Me: Did you check he was telling the truth . Her: Why. Me: Because it could be a case of pausable deniability. Then","I got that look" +"My father-in-law, whenever someone injures themself","It'll feel better when it stops hurting." +"I told my wife to embrace her mistakes","So she hugged me" +"How to you keep your phone from dying when you are driving","Get a Charger" +"Made my dad proud with this one. Mother and I were talking about a trip I have been packing for, and she asks me a specific question while at the table eating breakfast. Mom: Do you have a car charger for the van. Me: Mom, we don't charge the van. It runs on gas. Mom: *glares* Dad: *chokes on eggs* Edit: Wow. Didn't think this was that funny","Thanks guys for all the glorious upvotes :D" +"What is covid's best hookup line","People say I have an infectious personality" +"I thought pulling the shell off my racing snail would make him faster","But it just made him more sluggish" +"Never play hoops with a brew master","They got hops" +"I got hit by a rental car. It","Hertz" +"A horse goes into a bar and orders a pint. The bartender says You know, you're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic. The horse says I don't think I am. and promptly vanishes from existence. See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous line from philosophy, I think, therefore I am","But if I had explained that before the rest of the joke, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse" +"Bad Dad Joke Friday Winner A vulture was boarding a plane with a racoon in each hand. The flight attendant said, I'm sorry, sir","Only one carion is allowed per passenger" +"V. V. My","Ctrl key doesn’t seem to be working" +"I was once in a Rasta band. I played the triangle","I just stood at the back and ting" +"Classic Dad Every time my brother or I say Oh my God in exasperation, my dad says, You don't have to call me God, I'm just Dad","A classic yet painful groan-inducer" +"What do you call glasses for your balls","Spectacles" +"Mama Buffalo is dropping Baby buffalo off at school","She says Bye son" +"Anyone know what a Big is. Dad: Do You know what a Big is. Me: A big what. Dad: Have you ever purchased a Big . Me: Dad what are you talking about. What is a Big . Dad: I don't know, but I just got like five emails and everyone's Bigs are on sale. That's why I am asking","Me: Shakes head and facepalms" +"How do the Skywalkers like their bath water","Luke-warm" +"What does a house wear","Address" +"Will transparent coffins be a success","Remains to be seen" +"what do you call a mexican with a rubber toe","roberto" +"I was asked who my favorite vampire is. I said “the muppet from Sesame Street” They told me “he doesn’t count","I replied “I assure you he does”" +"Even though 3D games are common, sometimes I like to play 2D games still. But never 1D games","That's where I draw the line" +"My boss got me I was telling him about how I needed to go say goodbye to a good friend of mine tomorrow. My friend is a new second lieutenant of the US Air Force and he's leaving to go to his assignment soon. Boss: Hey, how many lieutenants are there in the Air Force. Me: I don't know. A lot I guess. Boss: Well, I think it's pretty cool that he came in second","My groan sounded a lot like laughter" +"What’s another name for 3 cows","Prime beef" +"Teacher walked into our classroom for one purpose Teacher I used to be addicted to soap","Don't worry I'm all clean now Then he just started cracking up and left" +"Do your socks have holes in them. No","Then how did you get your feet in them" +"How did the doctors cure the invisible man","They took him to the ICU" +"Why did John's bed have two layers of memory foam","In case the first one forgets" +"You know who I saw today","Everyone I looked at" +"I crack myself up sometimes. I went grocery shopping earlier today and when I got home the wife asked “where are the mushrooms. without missing a beat, I said “I couldn’t get them, there wasn’t ‘mush room’ in the trolley","“ She threw things at me" +"A train conductor gets arrested for committing crimes in his home town","The judge wants to know his local motive" +"I hate it when people mix up Your and You’re","Their so stupid" +"I can cut wood just by staring at it. It's true,","I saw it with my own eyes" +"I want to open a bratwurst factory, but. I might not have the capitol","I may have to do some krautfunding first" +"What is the scientific principle which describes the movement of cabbage in mayonnaise. Cole’s","Law" +"My Co-Worker asked how I was doing after having to change a flat on the side of the interstate at rush hour","I'm a little tired" +"Ugh,","I was late to work because my bike had a flat tire Did that leave you feeling deflated?" +"Two flies are arguing on a toilet seat","One gets pissed off" +"Classic ones from my childhood. What do you call a deer with no eyes. No Idea. What do you call a fish with no eyes. > no i-fish","A, Fsh" +"So my math textbook has a Math Humor section. http://imgur","com/a/IXCKw" +"When dad's collide https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=MepBeEpEQcM Edit: Just saw the typo in the title, I'm very sorry" +"Dadjoked by my own wife. So Wife #1 is washing dishes, and holds up my flour sifter asking Is this dishwasher safe","Wife #2, without missing a beat, says I'm sure it is or they wouldn't have installed it in the house" +"The bartender says, We don't serve time travelers here","A time traveler walks inside a bar" +"My friend Jay had twins recently, and he wanted to name them after him","So I suggested Kay and Elle" +"Watch for children","Seems like a fair trade" +"Yesterday i heard a song about lights","It was lit af" +"dad joke Was talking with my S. who mentioned Jack Gleeson (King Joffery) spoilt the death of Sirius Black in the Order of the Phoenix. When I called him a cunt for it she said Are you seriously getting annoyed at that","Her brother interjected I guess you could say he's a Sirius fan" +"Why were the two seedless Dates standing side by side so angry","They were pitted against one another" +"I’ve always wanted to visit Norway but it’s so expensive","I just can’t a-fjord it" +"What's the difference between an old bus terminal and a lobster with implants","One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean" +"It's been a while since I was last here. I haven't seen any of you since last year","A glorious new year to you all" +"There's probably a good reason donkeys don't talk","If only they could tell us what it is" +"I was almost going to post a joke about penguins a few minutes ago","Then I realized it just won’t fly" +"My. Flight. Instructor once got me with this one","We were on our way back home after doing some landing training on a nearby airfield when he said: Wow, time sure flies!" +"On my first day as undertaker, I managed to drop the coffin as I was loading it onto the car","My boss was supportive and told me I just had to rehearse it" +"I'm the latest victim. I was trying on some really old pants, and this particular pair of pants were fucking tight. Like, *squeeze my soul out* tight. I remarked- Good god, when did we buy these. 1947. (I usually say this when I'm talking about something old. Independence and whatnot) And my dad goes Yeah. Your gramps passed it on to me, and now its yours. That's why they're called Jeans","My mom got annoyed" +"Peta has a new militant wing, with the mission of enforcing vegan lifestyle","It’s called Al-Quinoa" +"I hate German sausage","It's the wurst" +"A skeleton walks into a bar","When he gets to the counter he orders a beer and a mop" +"Dad joked by my in laws I was at dinner with my family and I spoke up about Chris Squire dying recently and how he was a part of the band Yes","My sister in law pipes up with: Ahh, Yes, with their greatest hits: Mhm Yep Okay With which my brother in law chimes in There was also Affirmative but that was a little too nerdy for me" +"What do you call an eight-sided medical operating theater","A **doc**tagon" +"My wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her","I said maybe" +"I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory","I just took the day off" +"If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi series of all time is Dr. Who. If I’m being objective, it’s Dr","Whom" +"What did one snowman say to the other","Nice balls" +"Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships","So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian" +"My Dad is a mathematician and exclusively has cake for dessert","because having Pi would be too irrational" +"Bro, do you want this pamphlet","Brochure" +"Family was talking about food allergies. Mom: And maya had some. Me: weird gluten free crackers. Mom: is she gluten free. Me: no, I think she's nuts. Dad: it's not nice to call people nuts","Call them crazy" +"So my dad threw this one at us today http://imgur","com/fvaUKkA" +"Some of My Favorites What do you call two crows sitting on a branch. Attempted murder. A photon walks into a hotel and goes to the desk to check in. The bellhop walks up and asks if he needs help with his luggage. The photon says, No, I'm traveling light. The Past, Present, and Future walk into a bar. It was tense. Did you hear what happened to the man that was chilled to 0 degrees Kelvin. He was OK. What's brown and sticky. A stick. What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college. Bison. What do you call Batman when he leaves church early","Christian Bale" +"You know what's longer than forever. Five-ever","Irony: I was told this by the lady" +"No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage. I don’t what is so hard about it","I’m a trapped peas artist" +"Why do blind people hate skydiving","It scares the hell out of their dogs" +"Finally got one that I remembered to post. LT/FT GF: I went shopping for bras (again). I think I have an addiction. Me: So","does that mean that you need to join a SUPPORT group" +"A plastic bucket vs. a metal bucket","Pails in comparison" +"I asked my dad if I could borrow the car He threw my shoes at me and said the ol' Chevrolegs will get you there","(Does anyone know more of these shoe/leg puns" +"I don't like paraplegic jokes","I just can't stand them." +"How can you tell that cats are smarter than dogs","You'd never get 8 cats to pull a heavy sled through snow" +"Wife: “Ask me a genuine question","” Me: *shrugs* “okay, Jen, you in the kitchen" +"My friend requested that I make a dad joke out of his sentence. I told him I was burnt out","Like Icarus, I'd flown too close to the pun" +"What do you get when you cross an ocean with a kangaroo","Wet" +"What's a wok","It's somefing you frow at a wabbit when you haven't got a wifle" +"People keep telling me to buy one of those fancy rocks for my gravesite","But a tombstone is the last thing I'll need" +"Last night I had a dream I was a muffler","I woke up exhausted" +"Just got my wife while talking about a gifts. Wife: That's something I really want, a food processor. Me: No. We already agreed to eat healthy in the new year. Wife: What are you talking about. You can make some really healthy foods in a food processor","Me: I refuse to continue to eat processed food" +"How many teenagers does it take to screw in a light bulb","Whatever" +"My grandfather got very ill, so we tried rubbing lard on his back","He went downhill very quickly after that." +"I was told to post this here","This here" +"Have you tried the new Wookiee cookie","It's a bit chewy" +"I used to be an insomniac","But I got tired of counting sheep" +"My wife told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much… I said, “Oh, yeah","Just you wait" +"What's the difference between a hippo and a. Zippo","One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter." +"What did the farmer say to another farmer at a party. Lettuce turnip the beet","I did not make this joke I don't remember where I heard it though and just wanted to spread it around" +"Dad & I at the Hospital. So when I was 16, I one time opened my freezer too fast and a pound of frozen beef fell and hit my toe, fracturing it. When we were at the hospital, this conversation happened at least ten times: Nurse: Oh, no. What happened to your toe. Dad: A cow stepped on it. Nurse: What. Dad: Well, a dead cow. The pain of having to listen to that joke so many times made me forget about the pain in my toe","Congrats, dad" +"A guy approached me on the street and pulled a sharp-looking pair of scissors on me Thankfully I had a rock in my pocket, I pulled it out, he ran away","Imagine if I had a paper, I would be fucked" +"Kids. I found an injured extraterrestrial hiding in our garage. He's missing an eye","His name is Alen" +"You can skydive without a parachute","Only once though" +"My mom made her first dadjoke without even realizing it We're at the grocery store buying some produce and what not. **Mom**: Do you want any orange juice, or are the oranges we got from Publix enough. **Me**: Do we even have any room in the fridge","**Mom**: It'd be a bit of a squeeze" +"My wife threw something at me for this one Let me set the seen. We are watching tv a channel in the UK called True Entertainment. From the TV Up next on True Entertainment, 'Amnesia part 2' I turn to my wife and ask what was part one about I forgot My wife shrugged and said I don't. followed by a groan She then asks if she can change the channel or do I want to watch Amnesia","I respond with change it I will just forget what the show is about" +"My dad joke just got dad joked So I'm sitting at work and a few minutes ago I get a call from a co-worker asking me to place a service call with building management. Hey Pete, the urinal in the men's room keeps running Tell it to slow down , I say","I tried, but it wasn't taking any shit AHHHHHHhhhhhhhIseewhatyoudidthere" +"What did Arnold Schwarzenegger call his workshop to decrease credit card debt","Hasta la Visa, Baby" +"Apparently you can't use beef stew as a password","It's not stroganoff" +"What did the sick person order at Starbucks","*Cough*ee" +"My dad got me while eating ice cream So my dad and I were sitting in our car eating ice cream because it was raining. I told my dad that there were some sprinkles on my ice cream even though didn't order them","He said, it's raining and there's sprinkles on my car" +"A joke my Calculus teacher said in class","I'm so bright my mom sometimes calls me son" +"A sketchy guy came into my store and bought six smoke machines. So I called the cops","He must be part of some extreme mist group" +"I was going to give up lunch meat for lent","but I just couldn't quit cold turkey" +"Pretty proud of my son ; wife isn't so much This last weekend we went to an amusement park. Everything we went through the little things that spray water on you, my 9 year old would say, Mist me. Every single time","My wife and daughter's reaction became more and more aggravated, but I felt pretty good about it" +"Became a Dad at work last week. At about 3:30. Worker: Let me know if you have any time before 5 o'clock","Me (supervisor): I have about 90 minutes" +"My neighbor told me he only sleeps standing up","But everyone knows he lies a lot" +"What’s Forrest Gump’s Facebook password","1Forest1" +"What do you call 3 arborists having sex","A treeway" +"I hired two teenagers to smooth out my lawn, but they did a terrible job","Literally they can’t even" +"Got dadjoked in a dream (does that even count) I was walking through an old rickety building when someone leaned in and said be very careful, there are mice all throughout these walls","Well being the dream klutz I am, I tripped and went right though a wall board only to find hundreds of PowerMac mice dangling from support beams" +"Did you hear about the guy who invented the 'knock knock' joke","He won the no bell prize" +"I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes","It’s all about raisin awareness really" +"I saw my chance and I took it. I like to think my Dad taught me well. So I work asphalt maintenance (crackseal). Saturday I had a special note on the contract that said Only do Major Cracks . Working at a Browning facility it made me think military. So at the end of the day I called up my boss and I just couldn't hold it back anymore","Sorry, I didn't see Major Cracks, but There was a Colonel Mustard and a Captain Crunch, but I didn't do them as was requested" +"Arriving back home I picked up some friends from the airport who were traveling back from a Holiday trip around Europe last night. After asking them how they were, one of my friends were complaining about their left ear feeling full and they couldn't hear out of it","So naturally, I looked over and asked, So you're alright, then" +"Didn't get any sleep last night. I was outside on the porch when my brother let this one go","I didn't get any sleep last night because I was wondering when the sun would be coming up, and then, it dawned on me" +"I tried to come up with a pun about qucksand","But then I got stuck" +"I saw a sign that said 'do not touch', however there was something weird about the sign","I couldn't put my finger on it" +"I got kicked out of college for plagiarizing. Ulysses","The dean told me it was not a time to re-Joyce" +"Indian restaurants make most of their money off of the bread","They're naan-profit organizations" +"I changed my iPhone name to Titanic","It’s syncing now" +"Now he goes by. Dick. He was","Richard prior" +"An actual headline in Bloomberg news this morning: Saudi Arabia Oil Fears Look Well Founded","I love it when these things occur in nature" +"Judge said. I'm never gonna dance again","Because guilty feet have got no rhythm." +"Donald Trump walks into a bar","And promptly lowers it" +"I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas She said to me nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace","So I bought her nothing" +"What’s the best present you can gift. A broken drum kit","Nobody can beat that" +"A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery","He charged one and let the other one off" +"Over heard a dad say this to a manger at a restaurant today The Manger can up to the table and said How did everything come out today","The dad said I Don't know ask me in a few hours" +"Just a few days left to join a hip-hop crew","So you can make sure to do all the wrapping for the holidays" +"Farewell Dad Jokes","See you next year" +"Don't date a tennis player","Love means nothing to them." +"Wife lost her phone, I told her, Go to the place where you're the most fake","That's where you'll find your phoney" +"is anyone else in favor of using contracted words as full sentences","I'm" +"More than meets the eye I was working on disconnecting an old intercom system in our house when I explained to the wife that it's powered by a low voltage line. Wife: Can't you just cut the power line. Me: I need to disconnect it at the transformer where the power comes in. Wife: Well where's that","Me: Well they're hard to find because it's a robot in disguise" +"Why do white girls come in odd numbers","Because they can't eveeeeeen" +"Dad what you doing upstairs. On toilet, being a mathematician what","working it out with a pencil *disgusted moans and groans*" +"I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day","But I couldn't find any" +"I'm going to name my son. Pert and then change his name","So whatever he does, he'll be an expert." +"This sub is really in the dumps lately http://i. imgur. com/xIDdjMX","jpg" +"Son walks into the room and says Dad, can me and [brother] play on the Xbox. Me: Sure, but be careful, it's not very big","It'll be hard for both of you to fit 'on it' at the same time" +"My 7 year old wasn't up to speed on this one. While I was putting away the lawnmower right as the sun was setting. Daddy, good thing you mowed fast, or it would be dark","That's right honey, I never could have finished if I moved in slow-mow My wife threw a tomato at me from the garden" +"What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs","One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean" +"How many apples grow on a tree","All of them" +"Why do nuts all cost so much nowadays","It's like they cost an almond a leg" +"Do you know what happens if a car hits a tree going 30mph. my son asked","I said, No, I've never seen a tree moving that fast before" +"Who are the royals of the school supplies","The rulers" +"This sub right now. https://m. imgur","com/a/qqkudCq" +"I don't trust cookbooks. Mine said. I could keep chicken in the freezer up to three months, but","I only put one in yesterday evening and by this morning it was dead." +"It was very loud in the tennis product factory","They were making a racket" +"What happens when a person from Alabama drops his laundry detergent on a hill","Roll Tide" +"Me and my friend where calling eachother while we were next to eachother","It was a close call" +"I bought a knife that can cut through 4 loaves at once","It's a four loaf cleaver" +"How many birds does it take to change a light","Sometimes 3, but usually toucan" +"What did one beaver say to the other at the river","Dam it" +"I asked my marine biologist friend why a whale I saw looked so sad","She said because it's blue" +"Not even from me, but from a 13 year old who can dad joke with the best. Actual scenario: Me-“I can’t find my phone. ” Him-“have you checked your butt","Because I hear it can store a bunch of crap" +"So I was in my parents room whispering to my mother. I was basically whispering asking a simple question. My dad said be quiet. *The next day* I asked my dad why he was yelling since we were whispering for crying out loud. My dad said How were you whispering if you were crying out loud","" +"Two whales are in the ocean, and one whale says to the other: OOOoooOoOOOooOOooOOOoOOOoOoOO. ooOOOOOoOOOOoOoooOoOoOOOOoooOOOOoOooOoooooOooooo. oOOOOoOOOoOooOOOOoOooOoooooOOOoooooOOoOOoOOoOOOOOoOooooOOOO. oOOoOoOOOOOOOOOOooOoOOOOOOOoOOOooOOOoooooooooo. OOOoOoOoooOooooooOOOOooooOOooooooOoooOooooOooOoOoOoooOOoooOoOoOoooooo. oOOOoooOOooOOooOOOooOOOOOOoOOOOoooooOOOOoOOOOooooOooOooOoooo. OOoOOOoooooOooOOoOOOOOOOOOoOooooOoOOOoOOOOoOooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOOOOOOOOoO. oOoOoooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOooOOOoOOOOOOOOoOOOOOOooOoOooOOOoOooOo. OOOoooOoOOOooOOooOOOoOOOoOoOO. ooOOOOOoOOOOoOoooOoOoOOOOoooOOOOoOooOoooooOooooo. oOOOOoOOOoOooOOOOoOooOoooooOOOoooooOOoOOoOOoOOOOOoOooooOOOO. oOOoOoOOOOOOOOOOooOoOOOOOOOoOOOooOOOoooooooooo. OOOoOoOoooOooooooOOOOooooOOooooooOoooOooooOooOoOoOoooOOoooOoOoOoooooo. oOOOoooOOooOOooOOOooOOOOOOoOOOOoooooOOOOoOOOOooooOooOooOoooo. OOoOOOoooooOooOOoOOOOOOOOOoOooooOoOOOoOOOOoOooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOOOOOOOOoO. oOoOoooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOooOOOoOOOOOOOOoOOOOOOooOoOooOOOoOooOo. OOOoooOoOOOooOOooOOOoOOOoOoOO. ooOOOOOoOOOOoOoooOoOoOOOOoooOOOOoOooOoooooOooooo. oOOOOoOOOoOooOOOOoOooOoooooOOOoooooOOoOOoOOoOOOOOoOooooOOOO. oOOoOoOOOOOOOOOOooOoOOOOOOOoOOOooOOOoooooooooo. OOOoOoOoooOooooooOOOOooooOOooooooOoooOooooOooOoOoOoooOOoooOoOoOoooooo. oOOOoooOOooOOooOOOooOOOOOOoOOOOoooooOOOOoOOOOooooOooOooOoooo. OOoOOOoooooOooOOoOOOOOOOOOoOooooOoOOOoOOOOoOooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOOOOOOOOoO. oOoOoooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOooOOOoOOOOOOOOoOOOOOOooOoOooOOOoOooOo. OOOoooOoOOOooOOooOOOoOOOoOoOO. ooOOOOOoOOOOoOoooOoOoOOOOoooOOOOoOooOoooooOooooo. oOOOOoOOOoOooOOOOoOooOoooooOOOoooooOOoOOoOOoOOOOOoOooooOOOO. oOOoOoOOOOOOOOOOooOoOOOOOOOoOOOooOOOoooooooooo. OOOoOoOoooOooooooOOOOooooOOooooooOoooOooooOooOoOoOoooOOoooOoOoOoooooo. oOOOoooOOooOOooOOOooOOOOOOoOOOOoooooOOOOoOOOOooooOooOooOoooo. OOoOOOoooooOooOOoOOOOOOOOOoOooooOoOOOoOOOOoOooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOOOOOOOOoO. oOoOoooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOooOOOoOOOOOOOOoOOOOOOooOoOooOOOoOooOo. To which the other replied: Shut up, Frank","You're drunk" +"Where do people go to learn to make ice cream","Sundae school" +"A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine… He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. “Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope. ” The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. “Son I’m changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes. ” The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He’s cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. “Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters. ” The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. “Hey there,” says the recruit. “is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day. I haven’t kept one position for more than 15 minutes","” The crewman says “Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts" +"He who runs in front of a car","Gets tired" +"My dad after locking himself out of my apartment My door is the kind that locks itself automatically when it shuts. My dad went outside and locked himself out, so he knocked to be let in. Knowing full well who it is I ask: Who is it. Dad: Joe (his names not Joe). I say Joe who. as I open the door","He looks me straight in the eye and says Joe Daddy" +"Ordered a cobb salad yesterday. and a friend asked me if there was corn in it","I told her there is no corn on a cobb" +"What did the doctor tell Kim Jong Un when his father was dying","He was il" +"My Wife asked me if I would stop singing Wonderwall","I said maybeeeeee" +"How does Moses make his tea","Hebrews it" +"My girlfriend asked if","I liked her new glasses It's quite a spectacle" +"I asked my North Korean friend how things were in his country currently","He said he couldn't complain" +"I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she didn’t show up","I guess we’re not going to workout" +"Used daughter to get wife with this one I was giving my daughter a bath, she has foam letters and numbers in the bath with her. I put the number 4 on her head and say Hey wife, check out her 4 head","Got a groan then she took a picture to share" +"If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring. Pilgrims","Get it" +"A Catholic priest walks into a voting booth with holy water","He was exorcising his right" +"If April Showers Bring May Flowers, What do May Flowers Bring","Pilgrims" +"Reading my daughter a book before bed I was reading my 3 year old a book before bed and one page read, Minnie likes to cook and showed Minnie putting cookies in the oven. My wife commented that you BAKE cookies, not COOK them. I replied with, Oh yeah","Why aren't they called BAKEIES then" +"Have you ever had sex while camping","It’s fucking intense" +"Two guys walk into a bar","Ouch" +"Why don't you like throwing sports, dad. I ask after he goes on a rant about track and field","I don't like to discus it" +"The local brewery are trying to figure out who's been swimming in the vats of fermented apple juice","They're fairly certain the culprit is an incider." +"This post is full of dad jokes. http://imgur. com/a/NCujW","gallery" +"My wife got me. I asked her when Easter was this year","Sunday" +"I just wrote a book on reverse psychology","Do not read it" +"Did you hear about the tree that did a backflip","It 'sticks' the landing" +"I failed inspection at the recycling center. I work at","They said the place was a dump." +"The only thing that doesn't suck at. IKEA","Is their vacuums" +"My response whenever someone tells me my joke is cheesy","K, so" +"My wife woke me up and told me to make her some coffee. Make your own damn coffee. Nope, she replied. You have the make it. The Bible says so. Bullshit","So she handed me a bible and opened it, and in big letters at the tops of several pages I saw, Hebrews" +"A man knocked on my door asking for a small donation towards the local swimming pool","So I gave him a glass of water" +"How do nudists clean their glasses","Very genitally (Saw this on r/showerthoughts and figured it should be here)" +"I'll bet you thought this would be a joke about a straight cord","I'm a frayed knot" +"I told my dad that I was planning on studying abroad my last semester of college","He asked me what her name was" +"Spent most of today linking all of my watches together to make a belt","Complete waist of time" +"I'm done with my Life","That's why I went to the grocery store to buy another box of it" +"What do you call children from the east. euthanasia","(my dad actually told me this one)" +"Car humor My friend locked his keys in his car last night. As the pop-a-lock guy showed up last night my friend apologized","I really am sorry to pull you away from momma lock, poppa lock Groans all around" +"My girlfriend and I bonded over our love of mints","It's like we are mint to be together" +"What do you call a lizard that eats his greens","A SALADmander" +"Someone should combine a rocking chair and a wheelchair","We'll call it rock and roll." +"My friend from France loves Star Wars and milk tea","I’m planning him a Boba Fête" +"My new neighbor tried to convince me he was originally from Northern Canada","But I was having Nunavut" +"What did one fish say to the other fish in the tank","You man the guns and I'll drive" +"Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip. To get to the other si-","oh wait" +"What happens when an egg laughs","It cracks up" +"What would you call the leader of the Catholic Church if he lived in the arctic","A popesicle" +"Never challenge Death to a pillow fight","Unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions" +"I bought my son a refrigerator for his birthday","I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it" +"Our recent road trip Dad sees a car with a roof box on the highway: Oh look, they also brought their granny with them. Dad makes a stop and decides to make some instant coffee. We have boiling water, but no spoons. Dad proceeds to stir the coffee with his finger, while screaming like a maniac. Every time we see people nordic walking: Look, they forgot to take their skis","" +"My puppy left a permanent mark on me","He’s a shar pei" +"Local churches advertisement All are welcome to join us this. Sunday, we have","Prayer conditioning!" +"Why did the snowman need a moist towelette","Because his hands were sticky" +"(true story) My partner had a scratch on his face I said, Oh, how'd you get that. He was like, I honestly don't remember, I came home and noticed it. I put my hand on his forehead and said, Do you have a fever. He said, Nope, I feel fine. And I said, Good . it's not a cat scratch then","&#x200B; He still gets mad about when I bring it up" +"You know what they should've called the Deadpool costume","Reynold's Wrap" +"Why did the scarecrow win an award","Because he was outstanding in his field" +"Why was the ewok so soft-spoken","He was using his Endor voice" +"What do you call a computer that sings","A dell" +"Last minute costume idea for the true dad in all of us. Wear a grey shirt and hold two items in your hands comparing weights","Congratulations you are now a greyscale" +"People living in our town aren't allowed to be buried in any cemetery","Probably because they're still alive" +"What’s the best thing about Switzerland","I don’t know but it’s flag is a huge plus" +"True Story: tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor","My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor” Needless to say I was in stitches" +"What did Cinderella do when she reached the ball","She choked" +"A dad walks into a bar. Bartender: What can I get for you today sir. Dad: I'll have rum and coke Bartender: Sorry, but we don't have any coke. Is Pepsi okay","Dad: Yeah, I heard he's doing great" +"Dad's favourite is still funny after 27 years Dad: Hey son, why was the sand wet. Son:","Dad: Because the sea weed" +"What is the most ground breaking invention of all time","the Plow" +"My son wasn't feeling well this morning. When my son got up this morning he said he wasn't feeling well and might not be able to go to school (he's in 1st grade). When I got to work I texted my wife and asked how he was doing. **Wife:** He's fine. He just had to poop. **Me:** So what you're saying is. he was full of shit","I think I showed at least 15 people at work that text exchange before I left for the day" +"Did you hear about the honeydew and pineapple who tried getting married","The court said they *cant-eloupe*" +"The local grocery store has 10 hibiscus bushes on sale. That seems small though. Maybe they should be called lowbiscus bushes","My wife and children did not appreciate this at all" +"Did you hear the one about the woman who went to the kitchen and was never seen again","The refrigerator" +"My buddy's dad pulled this one at some retail store the other day The cashier asked him if he wanted to be a member there and he said Yes so the cashier proceeded to ask okay what's your street name","He relied tall white boy from the hood" +"I heard that they used to have a special name for those who completed a degree at Culinary Schools","Spatula of Arts" +"How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb. Two","One to change the bulb and another to give it an unexpected twist at the end" +"While browsing a restaurant menu. I ask the waiter, I see you have a Cajun Chicken Pasta, but I'm trying to be more conscious of where my food comes from","Do you have a cage free chicken pasta" +"I have two sons, 5 and 6","We're not very good at naming things in our house" +"Where did Noah keep his bees","In the ark hives" +"What does a redditor say after bombing a building. Edit: wow, this really blew up","Thanks for the gold, kind stranger" +"What do you call a person with no body and no nose","Nobody knows" +"Did you hear they’re making a new Cars movie about a momma truck having triplets","MumFord and Sons , in theatres this December" +"Ham and eggs walk into a bar","Bartender say's oh, i'm sorry, we don't serve breakfast here" +"Drank my coffee really fast today. Guess you could say","I hit the grounds running." +"Help I need your help folks. Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter flight for 4 people. I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Saturday (June 19th) from the Airport and will fly to Destin Fl, where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch. Then we’ll do a flight along the coast to see the sharks and dolphins,then returning to Joe's Crab shack, for dinner, then fly back home. If interested please pm me. Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go. Serious inquires only","Thank you" +"I have a pet tree","Kinda like having a pet dog but the bark is quieter" +"True Story: I was driving my family to my son's birthday party at one of those trampoline places. While looking for it in the strip mall","We passed an IHOP, to which I stated There it is" +"What does the Buffalo say to his son when he leaves for college","Bison" +"Did you hear about those crazy new corduroy pillows. They're making head lines","Courtesy of my stepdad" +"Do you want to dance. I can't. I've got 2 left feet. Oh, alright then","No, all left" +"My bank now has a. Twitter account. I hope they don’t. Post","Malone" +"I just met Bruce Lee’s vegan brother","Brocco Lee" +"Why did the poker player get fired from the origami factory","He refused to fold" +"So my wife found out I was cheating","She found the letters and now she doesn't want to play scrabble anymore" +"This bounce house is nearly twice the price it was last year","That's inflation for ya" +"My family went to the zoo today. So we're at the koala exhibit and have just learned that they sleep for about 18 hours a day. My little brother sees one and excitedly points out, Look, it's awake","My dad then replies, No dummy, it's a koala" +"Today. I had to quit my job at the cat sanctuary","I couldnt afford to stay there since they reduced meowers!!" +"Let’s start a religious fitness training group","We can call it Jehovah’s Fitness" +"Police are warning electric car drivers their cars have enough charge for the entire journey","If you run out of electricity, you could be charged" +"My friend became monk recently","I asked him if he'd take a vow of silence, but he didn't answer I guess it goes without saying" +"I'd tell you that joke about the germ. But","I don't want it to spread around" +"Why are the sidewalks of Washington, D. so clean","Because all the trash is in the White House" +"These were in my desk at work. Thank goodness nobody else found them- I could have gone to jail. http://i. imgur. com/iEFGLhn","jpg" +"My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner. So","I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm" +"Where does the Burger King live","The White Castle" +"Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music","they're called the Zbruhs" +"Went to the gun range and saw a sad bullet asking for a job","He was just fired" +"What do you call a jewish salamander","Shalomander" +"A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender said I'll serve you,. BUT. DON'T. START","ANYTHING!" +"Any military battle fought on December 25th","is a war on Christmas" +"I went to a cafe and ordered eggs for breakfast this morning and the woman behind the counter asked, How would you like your eggs cooked. Does it affect the price. I asked. No, not at all. she replied","In that case, I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please" +"How does winnie the pooh eat honey","With his bear hands" +"Dad look, I made a fort. Well I made a three-t","And your mom made a two-t" +"My voicemail prompts the caller to leave his or her name and number. My dad’s response on his most recent message: My name is, Dad and my number is one","Always number one" +"When asked what his favorite holiday was. Arnold Schwarzenegger replied","I Still Love Easter BABY" +"Your dad’s gay","Which one" +"Dad-joked at the retirement home The conversation at coffee hour turned to 3D printing. Me: Hopefully we'll be able to 3D print pieces of meat so we don't have to have factory farms anymore. Dad: If we start printing the meat we'll have to eat it in megabytes","He was very satisfied with the exasperated groaning from the rest of the table" +"who can repair my trousers' zip quickly","Taylor Swift" +"Guy at work got me He sometimes asks me for help with his computer so today he says to me: Could you take a look at my computer. It says Hello when I start it up","I'm not sure if it's because it's Windows or because it's a Dell" +"Scratch is an incredibly versatile material","You can make literally anything from it." +"The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn","Now I have stable wifi" +"The guy from the Take. On. Me music video","I don't know what's about him, but he seems a bit sketchy" +"My girlfriend really changed after she became a vegan","It's like I've never seen herbivore" +"I'm going to design impact proof aquarium glass so the fish aren't bothered by people who don't read the warning signs","It's a relatively untapped market" +"A student once asked me (teacher here) if there was a curve on the test before I handed them out","I picked up the stack, bent it back and forth, and told the poor class that it appears there is indeed a big curve" +"Didn't see that cumming. I wanted to donate sperm in order to make some quick cash. I called the sperm bank to see when I can make an appointment. When I asked, the nurse told me, sorry, it's first cum first serve Not sure if this joke was already made","I just CAME up with it while I was at work" +"I can’t believe it’s not butter Every once in a while I buy the wrong kind of imitation butter at the grocery store. It’s ok though","It’s still within my margarine of error" +"Got my instructor I'm in training to be a tech for a cable company, and our trainer asked if we knew what a down guy is (cable that runs from pole to ground to act as a support). Me: I don't know what a down guy is, but I know what an up guy is. Trainer: What's up guy. Me: Nothing much","How about you" +"How do you attract ghosts to your cafe","Set up a wifi cold-spot" +"I’m really proud of my friend’s collection of acting equipment","Props to him" +"That famous Hollywood actor decided to open a bakery","It's called Bread Pit" +"I can see 6 years into the future","Thanks to my 2020 vision." +"Let's not laugh at the guy who fell into the campfire while trying to jump over it","He was already ember assed" +"My husband's first dad joke out at Olive Garden. We ordered for our food and we asked for extra plates for our two kids. The waitress leaves and comes back with four little plates and sets them down on the table. In the most enthusiastic voice, my husband gives a thumbs up and says Thanks","These look delicious" +"What kind of magic trick does a hip hop dancer do","Abraca-DAB, bruh" +"How do you make a Pirate angry","Take the 'P' out of him…" +"In the car with my family. We were talking about eating cow eyes. My brother said it would probably taste like hard boiled eggs. In the background my dad has been mooing. When my mom turned to him to tell him to be quiet, he stopped and said","I'm not yolking" +"My son is looking for a work placement","We were watching an article on the news about a door frame manufacturer and I suggested he try there, after all they have lots of openings (I'll get my coat)" +"Bullseye. I was in a hunting store with my dad and there was a pretty nice sale on some bows there. I was chit-chatting with the cashier and said, Man, these sales are making me quiver","The cashier thought it was the funniest thing ever :D" +"I was at the doctor's yesterday. And realized it was June. As I'm writing a check I say Wow, it's June already. The receptionist says, I know, when did that happen","I say, Midnight, last night" +"What has nine arms and sucks","Def Leppard" +"Whats it called when you kill a friend","Homie-cide" +"How do you contact a dead Italian","A luigi board" +"A joke from my 4 year old 4yo: Do you know what I love more than pizza. Parents: No, what","4yo: Mommy and Daddy Parents: Awe, that's sweet 4yo: I love eating mommy and daddy" +"Experience my first hemmorhoid today","It was a pain in the ass" +"Two fish are in a tank","And one says to the other CAN YOU DRIVE THIS THING" +"My girlfriend walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion","I told her babe it's not what it looks like" +"Heard this one from youtube Guy A: Where is my fucking jacket. Guy B: Over there, next to your regular one Video in question: [6:00](https://youtu. be/NtuyTy0EjvM","t=360)" +"Last christmas we bought a fake christmas tree and the man behind the counter said to my dad 'Are you going to put it up yourself. ' And my dad said ' Don't be disgusting","I'm going to put it in the living room' Might be a repost i don't know" +"Where do you see yourself in 4 years","I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision" +"What is Beethoven doing now","Decomposing" +"Got my wife while we were in the car earlier. We were driving by a cow pasture earlier and I pointed out the window and told my wife that's some bullshit right there","A few seconds later it hit her, and all she did was roll her eyes at me and shake her head" +"I tortured a guy from PETA","He screamed for deer life" +"My math teacher said this one in class","Teacher: He held up a Weapon of Math Destruction (What he calls like utilities in math, ruler, calculator, etc) and said the people who make these are in support of tractors *Long silence from the class* Teacher: They are Protractor" +"Every time I flush the toilet","Shit goes down" +"Helping to prepare dinner Tonight, my dad is barbecuing salmon for dinner. In order to barbecue this salmon, he needs to first put it in warm water in the dishpan so that it can thaw. However, my mom is using the dishpan, and it's full of water, so he has to wait for her to be done. Shortly thereafter, she's done with the dishpan and goes to the door to go outside and throw the water on the plants. Only problem: the door is closed. So the following exchange occurs. >Mom: Hey *dad*, can you grab the door for me. >Dad: OK. *grabs door handle really hard* HNNNNNNG >Mom: &#3232;_&#3232; >Dad: *grunting with effort* I'm doing this for you, dear. >Mom: Can you. *open* the door for me, dear. >Dad: Oh","*opens door* What did you think that was going to accomplish, anyway" +"A moth walks into a podiatrist's office. and tells the doctor, Moth: Doc, I've got a terrible problem. My wife left me. I hate my job. I'm so depressed that I often contemplate suicide. Doc: I don't know how to help you. You need to see a psychiatrist. Why do you come to my office","Moth: The light was on" +"Where does Captain Hook go for Replacements","The Second Hand Shop" +"My old t-shirt is always on my mind","It's a prior tee" +"Or local movie theater calls buttered popcorn a “helicopter”","Because it’s different from the plane popcorn" +"Did you know diarrhea is hereditary","It runs in the jeans" +"New York Customer tells the chef that he knows the secret ingredient The chef promptly asks who told you","Customer says, I have my sauces" +"ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I'm unsubbing from /r/DadJokes and here's why","**Y**" +"Want to hear a joke about construction","I'm still working on it" +"How does Mario talk to ghosts","With his Luigi board" +"Wife got me today She's trying to increase her daily water intake. I told her, If you want to try and keep up, I already finished my first quart for the day","She replied, No, we don't want to turn this into a pissing contest" +"What brand underwear do scientists use. Kelvin Klein","You may now downvote me" +"How many apples grow on a tree","All of them" +"What does a vegan zombie say","“GRAAAAAAAIIIIINNNSSSSS" +"I bought a self-help book online, called How to Handle Disappointment . When the package arrived it was empty. They also charged me twice","lesson learned" +"Cops just arrested a protester throwing flowers","they deemed it an act of Violets" +"Adam Levine was sugar bombed and the perp was arrested for assault Dad: But it wasn't assault","It was a-sugar" +"After spending 20 years as a Lawyer, Dad finally retired to pursue his dream of providing Dental Care to the needy. He calls it The Tooth, the Whole Tooth, and Nothing but the Tooth","So help me Gauze" +"Y'know","I once lived a stone's throw away from a family that all died of mysterious head injuries." +"Does anyone want my old copies of Chiropractor Monthly","I’ve got loads of back issues" +"I have the dirtiest dad joke ever","A man has fallen into the sewage drain" +"What did Bruce Lee say to himself when he had to fight Chuck Norris","Karate be kidding me" +"My friend just dad joked me","So we were going to see an Impressionist exhibit at the art museum and my friend, in her best Jerry Maguire voice, goes Show me the Monet" +"My friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So","I put my foot down" +"I bought a gallon of. Tipex online yesterday","It was a big mistake." +"Grammar","The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit." +"What do you call a politition who can do math and dances well","An Al Gore Rhythm" +"A Pint, A Pie and Kindly Advice. There was a board out the front of a pub advertising A Pint, A Pie and Kindly Advice for £5 and I thought that was a good deal and so I ordered them. I got a my pie, a nice refreshing pint of lager and then I sat around for what seemed like fifteen minutes. When I went back to the bar, I asked You were advertising 'A Pint, A Pie and Kindly Advice' for a fiver and I've had my pint and pie, where's the kindly advice. And the barman leaned across the bar and whispered: The kindly advice is","don't eat the pie" +"Gardening question: Anyone know a good place to buy a fern","Asking for a frond" +"Easter candy joke on unsuspecting clerk. I was checking out at the dollar with a Sprite, some chocolate Bunnie candies and cream eggs yesterday. As I approach the counter, the dude asks me if I found everything alright. I pause for a moment, think about it, and say to him. So, I see you guys have the Easter candy out. Any idea on when you'll have in the Wester candy. The dude thought about it seriously for a second, then he got it","He looks dead at me as I'm sure I had the dumbest smile on my face, groans and starts laughing too" +"So I went to Culver's with my dad today And he wanted to buy a large cup of custard and the cashier said, sorry sir, we do not have large cups right now. My dad answered with Why. And she replied with an explanation of how the manager didn't order any new ones since nobody buys them here","Which prompted my dad to say, He should be put in police custardy" +"Why did the dolphin-less aquarium shut down","It had no porpoise" +"Do you know some words (like color/colour or favorite/ favourite) are spelled differently in the US than in the UK","Because when the United States declared independence, they said, we don't want u anymore" +"I'm so proud of my dad. http://m. imgur. com/N5PqOb7 I am so proud of my dad. He's a carpenter","We were building a gingerbread house" +"What do you call a laughing seagull","A gigull" +"So my kids are trying to find a hot spot. We're taking a school trip to D. They ask me teacher, teacher, can we use your hotspot. I tell them that the internet speed on my phone is pretty slow. It's more like a lukewarm spot now","All my students groan" +"My friend asked “How does it feel being a writer","” It’s all write I guess" +"What is the lady version of Iron Man called","Fe Male" +"My wife hates a dirty house. So I laid on the floor in the kitchen after deep cleaning the entire house and yelled HOW DID THIS TRASH GET ON THE FLOOR. Mind you, she's already mid rant about having to clean anything else at this point","and her walking in to see only me laying there almost got me divorced" +"I thought. I was going to be a dad","But it was a misconception" +"Why do crabs never give to charity","Because they're shellfish" +"Son: The puppy's chewing on a hairbrush. Me: He's just brushing his teeth","Entire family: GROAN" +"Where do pencils live","PENNSYLVANIA" +"Why did the chef only put 239 beans in his chili","Because one more bean would've made it too farty" +"Interviewer: What is your greatest weakness. Man: Answering the semantics of something, but not the pragmatic. Interviewer: Can you give me an example","Man: Yes" +"Talking with my girlfriend this morning. Just practicing for when we have kids. Me: Baby, can I get a bullet bike. Her: No, I prefer my boyfriend in one piece","Me: I guess I could wear a one-piece on the bike if you'd want me to" +"My grandfather said he was thinking of becoming an insomniac","I said, 'It's never too late" +"What do you call a blind deer","No idea" +"Did you hear about the sun. Me either","We're still in the dark" +"What. I if told you","You read the title wrong credit: u/PerryPartyPineApple" +"A trucker called me on the cb today and asked what the date was","I said 10/4, good buddy" +"If you're American before you enter the bathroom and American when you come out, what are you when you're inside the bathroom","European" +"The adventures of Max Dad, P. The sun shone into my office through the lowered blinds all clumsy like, fumbling through the gaps between the venetian slats like a drunk fishing for loose change in his pockets; trying to see if he has money enough for one last drink or maybe the bus ride home. The dame looked me up and down, clearly disappointed by what sat in front of her. I didn’t blame her. Three days of salt and pepper stubble clung to my my crude boxer’s jaw and the bags under my eyes were so big half the bums downtown could sleep in there and not even know anyone else was with 'em. That was ok. This broad wasn’t hiring me for my looks and I wasn’t looking to her for approval. We both knew what brought her in here, it was the name on the door. Max Dad P. - that’s me. Private Investigator’s sure not the profession my mother would have picked out for me, but it keeps me in whisky and it keeps a roof over my head and that’ll do for now. The dame parted those cherry red lips of hers as she took another pull on that just-lit cigarette and nervously stubbed it out in the ashtray. My eyebrows knit together slightly. I hate seeing things go to waste. “So as I was saying, Mr Dad,” she began. “Please, call me Max” “Alright, Max… well, as I was saying, my bag is missing. Stolen, I think. I urgently need it back. Shall I describe it to you. ” “No that’s alright miss","You got nothing to worry about,” I replied, sliding a bottle out of the desk drawer and pouring a big slug of scotch into to my morning coffee, “I’m sure it’ll be a brief case" +"Scared my wife *walks up behind wife and startles her* You scared me. I didn't know you were there. she said","Grinning from ear to ear, I replied thats because I'm wearing my sneakers" +"If anybody knows any salad jokes","Lettuce know" +"Blood Test I now have so much respect for all the jokes in here, So i just became a dad on Friday to a beautiful baby girl and my story goes like this. Today a Midwife came into the room where my wife and I were and started with a speech Hi my name is . editingoutinfo. I was wondering if i can take a blood sample from the baby, It's voluntary, it's for statistics and it gets sent out to a lab and they test for all rare conditions, they are going to test her genes and","At which point i stopped her and said we haven't got any jeans for her, everyone has been buying her pink dresses she gave me a pity laugh and said ohh the dad jokes are starting already What is happening to me" +"What do you call a bragging mushroom","A shiitake" +"What do you call an obvious dad","Apparent" +"I'm not convinced that my programming professor is not a dad. Student: Do you have a mock exam [to use for practice]. Professor: No","but if it does show up, feel free to laugh at it" +"Wife got me in the movie theater. We were watching the newest Hunger Games movie a couple of weekends ago. Throughout the film she was (very quietly) whispering interesting things that were in the books but not the film. **Mild Spoilers** There is a certain part where a character goes back for a cat. **End Mild Spoilers** She leans over and I think she was going to tell me another interesting things about the scene. She whispered a little louder than the other times, You've gotta be kitten me right meow. You could hear the slight chuckle from the people in front of us and I had to stifle my laughter","I probably shouldn't find it that funny, but I love good timing and a corny joke" +"Got my friend good today over a text We were talking about how sore we are from the gym a couple days ago, specifically our legs she says we're quite the pair today I replied, pair-a-plegics indeed","Got a SMH" +"What do you call it when you’re having sex with a girl and she gets bored and changes her mind","Organ Transplant Rejection" +"Why did the scarecrow win an award","He was outstanding in the field" +"I bought an ant online for my ant colony","He's important" +"Obama with the dad joke https://twitter","com/POTUS/status/819694728665006080" +"Did you hear about the French little pig","It went “oui, oui, oui,” all the way home" +"Watching a documentary on a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing coke cans","Soda pressing" +"How does the rock pee","He Dwaynes his Johnson" +"I can't tell what's going to happen next year","Does that mean I've lost my 2020 vision" +"What does Mjolnir become when Thor throws it","Mjolfar" +"What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants","One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean" +"My wife told me to stop being a flamingo","So i had to put my foot down" +"I went down to the Thai Buddhist temple to get some holy water. but they'd just ran out. So the head monk advised me to boil a pot of water for 10 hours straight on high","Apparently it boils the hell out of it" +"How do you catch a bra","Well, first, you gotta set a boobie trap" +"Why are plants so understanding","Because they photosympathize" +"What did the Italian man say when the waiter took his beef to the wrong table. 'Hey","That's a mi steak" +"Did you hear about the barber who went bankrupt","He couldn't afford toupée his bills" +"Why are noses in the middle of your face","Because they’re the scenter" +"What does a Mexican get when he slides down a hill","A gracias" +"The best joke I can think of is quarantine","If you don't get it, it's because it's an inside joke" +"Survivors of cannibals started a movement","MeatToo" +"My nostril got cut when a buddy tossed a Police CD at me","Now it Stings with Every Breath I Take" +"Lesbian dad joke My neighbors are a lesbian couple and they used a sperm doner to get pregnant. My dad and I were discussing how they decided who would be the one to carry the baby. My dad said I guess someone just has to step up and be the bigger person","It killed me" +"I went to a scarecrow festival this weekend","They were outstanding in their field" +"My son was refusing to eat dinner, so I tried to force feed him. My wife said, “Use the frocking spoon","You are not a Jedi" +"I had a scary dream where a horse was chasing me at midnight","It was a night mare" +"Called my manager to let him know I was gonna be late Cause my stomach was upset and I was stuck in the bathroom no worries","Shit happens" +"I have to go in to the audiologist to get my hearing checked","It’s a sound decision" +"Santa has just been prescribed Viagra","Apparently he only comes once a year" +"What do you call a divorced cow","A Miss Steak" +"Got my boss (clearly a dad) to chuckle at this one Boss: I like to block off my calendar at the end of my day from 4-6 as my catch up time Me: What comes after that, mustard time","I'm still employed somehow" +"GF talking to my dad about genes. Dad made this 5 second ago. GF: You have a lot of genes that are not being expressed right now. Dad: Um, no, I only have one pair of jeans that i like. P. I am unfortunately inheriting all of his jokes","This one being a mild one" +"What did the buffalo say to his son","*Bison*" +"My son asked me what I wanted to be when I was a child","I said that I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but apparently, I was too young" +"Went to dinner at Boston Market last night. They had two types of corn bread and my mother and I were trying to figure out what the difference between them was. I looked at her with a grin slowly spreading across my face and said maybe one is cornier","I had to go outside for a minute because I was laughing so hard at my own joke" +"My Italian friend always locks himself out of the house","He has gnocchi" +"As we drive past a new housing community called Firefox","I bet they get really tired when updates start popping up" +"Diarrhea is hereditary","it runs in your jeans" +"Got my coworker today She asked why is there music coming from the Kellogg room","(the Kellogg room is where our printers are) I said there's probably a paper jam" +"I went to the doctor and he said i was going deaf","It's been 3 weeks and I have not heard from him since" +"Did some early back-to-school shopping, and my dad told me to buy the ugliest calculator","I asked him why and he said, Because it's what's inside that counts" +"My son asked me, If you could have any super-power, which one would you have","I smiled and said, America" +"Why did the redneck only stink on one side","Because he didn't know where to find Left Guard" +"My grandfather said this to his proctologist after a colonoscopy Doctor, since you put me to sleep during the procedure, you weren't at all a pain in my ass","He says the proctologist started laughing, but I have my doubts" +"What is heavy forward but not backward","Ton" +"I came across a literate chicken today","I know it was literate because it kept asking for book book book book" +"I went to the boomerang store the other day","They have a great return policy" +"My daughter was playing cookout with her dolls and had them all in a line for ribs","It was a real barbecue." +"What do you call an apathetic carrot","I don’t carrot" +"I like my women like. I like covid-19","Without a flat curve" +"A man walks into the same bar every day at quarter past five","You would think he'd learn to duck under it by now" +"I gotta find myself a woman that drives a Nissan. That way","I'll be able to keep her Altima self" +"Turned the tables on my Dad. Dad pocket dialed me while I was at work. This was the conversation afterwards. http://i. imgur. com/5i3mGE9","png" +"You know what they say about abortion-","It really brings the kid out in you" +"For. Breakfast;","Is one egg un oeuf?" +"Dadjoked a cashier I was out with some friends, we were grabbing some food at a local coffee shop. Their prices were fucking sweet, like three bucks for a sandwich. Anyway, I placed by order: -$4. 50 for a grilled cheese (heavenly) - -$3. 00 for a small shake - -$0. 60 tax - The cashier nods and says, Thank you, that'll be $8","10 I replied, It's about to be *ea*-ten I'm pretty sure they spit in my food" +"OK dad text me when you get here","Me" +"A near miss of in flagrante delicto. I had my vibrator ready to go to treat myself, but then a knock on the door interrupted my session","Relaying this to my friend later, they said it was a total buzzkill" +"What is the difference between hard and light","You can go to sleep with the light on" +"I thought me and a friend had some chemistry Me: What does a greedy pirate say when he's hurt. Au. Her: I hate my life. Me: Come on. That joke was gold","Her:" +"The invention of the wheel is very","well-rounded" +"Mammogram Wife to friend who does mammograms: Do you have to schedule a mammogram or can you walk-in. Mammography tech friend: It's best if you make an appointment. Me: So you're saying that you might be able to squeeze her in","Dad joke, boob joke, and the room actually laughed - I just had my 4th kid and I'm really feeling on point" +"isdad drinking pepsi upside down","uwop apisdn" +"I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on","Beanstalked is a serious matter" +"I went to buy an iPhone today","It was a 6S" +"TIL, Plato never had sex","all his relationships were platonic" +"Mountains aren't just funny","They're hill areas." +"Friend texted me, frustrated that he had spilled his salad down his shirt","Oh darn, I'm sorry to hear that you're having trouble dressing yourself" +"Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night","It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion" +"Somebody just robbed the local bakery of all of their sweets","Out of all of the crooks in my town, this one really takes the cake" +"Is your beard itchy. Me: Is your beard itchy","Dad: It was at first and I hated it, but now it's really growing on me" +"Groaner at work. Irene. No, Icene Dealing with home services and customers, need to check ID. Routine ID check and I though the customer's name was Irene so I say Ok Irene, let's get into your account here. Icene: It's Icene Me: Oh wow, really. *double checks ID* Wow. That's wicked, I've never heard that name before that's really interesting. *pause* Me: Well. I guess, now Icene it","Icene groans, and my coworker and his customer start laughing, and I couldn't help but smile :D" +"Y'all just made it into the Merriam-Webster dictionary and the article uses this subreddit as justification. https://www. merriam-webster","com/dictionary/dad%20joke" +"What do you call a knockoff cellular device","A phone-y" +"Words to live by You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose","Been hearing that gem from my dad for 25+ years" +"Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants","In case they get a hole in one" +"What did the ghost boy want for Halloween","A ghoulfriend" +"What is Red and smells like Blue Paint","Red Paint" +"A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2. A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2. A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2","These are the pie rates of the Caribbean" +"What do you call a mexican jedi","A padijuan" +"I always knew my son was stealing from his job as a road worker, but I never wanted to accept it. When I went to his house, all the signs were there",":(" +"How did the magician make a candy bar appear out of thin air","He had twix up his sleeve" +"I finally made a playlist for hiking. It has music from the peanuts, the cranberries, and Eminem","I call it my trail mix" +"When you apply for a job at pepsi","Do they test for coke?" +"Looks like rain. A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation. “I think it’s raining, says the man. “No, it’s snowing, replies the woman. How about we ask this Communist officer here. He is always right. exclaims the man. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing. “Definitely raining, Officer Rudolph replies before walking off. The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See","Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear" +"Dad: I'm going to shower, anyone need to use the bathroom","speak now or forever hold your pees" +"The secret service agents no longer shout get down. anymore","They shout Donald, duck" +"What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire","Frostbite" +"You know the problem with telling chemistry jokes","all the good ones Argon" +"Me: I wish I listened to what my grandma always said. Friend: What did she say","Me: I don't know I wasn't listening" +"A pile of books fall onto. Sean. Connery's head","He exclaims: I only have my shelf to blame" +"I just took an unsolicited phone call telling me I’d won either £200 or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute concert","They said to press 1 for the money or 2 for the show" +"3 unwritten rules of life. 2","3" +"my 4 year old daughter played me with this one after a slight, recent issue of my kid putting her shoes on the wrong feet, she hits me with this. daddy, not like shoes, socks can go on either foot. youve got it, honey i look down a few seconds later. both socks are on the same foot. you told me either foot was ok","she laughed hysterically for minutes" +"Gravity's one of the most fundamental forces in the universe. What do you get when you remove it","Gravy" +"What city in the Middle East doesn't require you to wear a face mask","Damascus" +"Dadjoked my gf in the car So we were driving to the Ikea and I saw a bunch of young cows getting released into a field next to the highway. I pointed it out on the way back but she couldn't see them right until the last moment. She said they were hiding. So I said they were camouflaged","cow-moo-flaged The look on her face was priceless" +"What is Forrest Gump's favorite pasta","Penne" +"Peas or Broccoli. My sister sends out a group text asking if she should bring peas or broccoli to our thanksgiving dinner. My family responds 5 votes for peas 0 votes for broccoli","I respond If you want broccoli speak up now or forever hold your peas" +"My dad and I are awful. While watching Penn and Teller: Bullshit. The episode is Sex, sex, sex. Dad: Hey Ejgamer, what are you watchin'. Me: This lady who can enlarge boobs through hypnosis. Dad: You mean hypno-tits. Me: Yeah but I'm pretty sure it'll be a bust","Obligatory groans ensued" +"A man was fired from the keyboard factory","because he put in extra shifts" +"As I suspected someone's been adding soil to my garden","The plot thickens" +"I dropped a can of beer on my toe yesterday","Luckily it was light beer" +"Anyone else excited for Toy Story 4","I hear it has a lot of Buzz" +"What do you call a wandering caveman","A meanderthal" +"Did you hear about the new pickletown attraction","It's a really big dill" +"I've just watched a T. documentary about beavers","It was the best dam program I've ever seen" +"I told my wife she sounds like a cat. She replied: Me","How" +"Why does the little mermaid wear seashells","Because b-shells are too small and d-shells are too big" +"My Dad Had a Question for My Mom He asked her, What's the difference between a county and a country. She thought about it, and then answered along the lines of, A county is a district, with some towns/cities. My dad then said, The difference to me is the 'r'","Nice job dad" +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon","Great food but it has no atmosphere" +"Half my nose was blocked,","It didn't smell right." +"I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician","I think it's maoware" +"My wife is taking me to a notable restaurant tonight, but I’m a little worried","Where would I put my plate" +"Cemeteries are very popular","People are always dying to get in" +"What did the ladder say to the step ladder","Your not my father" +"What is Pac Man's favorite piece of cookware","A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok" +"What did the suicide-bomber journalist say","Edit: Wow, this really blew up" +"Why can't you lift up a shadow","They're not light enough" +"What do french people smoke","Oui'd" +"How were the twins, both named E , distinguished from one another","One was Bald E and the other was Hair E" +"My girlfriend didn't appreciate the joke at the art museum. One of the galleries had an air conditioner in it. I pointed to it and said I like this piece, it's very cool","She groaned and slapped me for it" +"You’ve never seen a phone wearing glasses","it’s because they have contacts" +"I have this guy at my work and in his spare time he dips his balls in glitter","Their pretty nuts" +"Raising the bar of dad jokes. Last weekend, a group of friends, my girlfriend, and I were waiting in line for a concert in the city. While we were standing around, my girlfriend excitedly started pointing at a hotel a few blocks away. Look at the top of that building. I think that's an indoor pool on the top floor. Because it was hard to tell and we were bored in line, a debate started about whether it not it was actually a pool, until I stated that it was obviously a bar. Why do you say that. Because nice hotels like to set the bar high","I've never been prouder to make a group of people groan" +"Texting dad jokes Me: I think I'll do this on the phone. Her: Good call Me: Really. Her: Get the pun. Come on http://imgur","com/a/jEneQ" +"What do you call a man with no arms or legs lying in front of your door","Matt" +"We were eating supper from a local Indo-Canadian restaurant and my wife's eyes rolled so hard it was audible. It's a nice little place that serves Indian food, and some Canadian stuff, like pizza. We ordered their Hawaiian special, and loved it. I told my wife the texture of the crust lead me to think they used Indian flatbread for it. She replied So that is the secret ingredient. Could be, I answered","But it's naan of your business what their recipe is" +"What did the pirate say when he turned eighty years old","Aye matey" +"My son is immune to dad jokes I'm a mother so it's probably why, but my poor attempt at dad jokes always backfire. An example from today: Son: I'm thirsty. Me: Hi thirsty, I'm mummy. Son: Hi thirsty, I'm [son's name]","Godamn 3 year olds not understanding great humour" +"A burglar stole all my lamps. I should be upset","But I’m delighted" +"Where does Napoleon keep his armies","In his sleevies" +"I was at a restaurant tonight with family, when my dad started singing: Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. (it was no one's birthday - we all looked confused)","Happy birthday, dear Menu *points to Jan 2014 printed on the base of the menu* Happy birthday to you" +"Got my 6 year old In the mail today we got out 1 year old Halloween costume. We tried it on her to make sure it fit. She was still wearing it when my 6 year old gets off the school bus. After seeing her sisters costume the older daughter asks Did that just come today. Without missing a beat I tell her no, we had her just over a year ago","I got groans from the daughter, wife, and wife's mom who was on the phone at the time" +"What do you call a Dothraki riding a squid","Khal Amari" +"What is the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea","I’ve never payed $100 to have a garbanzo bean on my face" +"Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off","He’s all right now" +"I like to listen to. Bowie on my morning train commute. I find it helps me get from. Station to","Station" +"Hubby got me during a Netflix binge. Hubby: We should put the TV on the floor. Me: Why. Hubby: So you can watch Friends in low places","He was so proud" +"Where did Captain Hook get his hook","At a second-hand store" +"Got my wife today She works in a scale house and she came home tired","Told her she shouldn't let her job weigh her down" +"My wife asked me if I wanted any joint gifts this year. I said yes. A knee brace. She didn't get it at first","It took her a splint second" +"Dad dropped this one on Facebook. [http://i. imgur. com/UkpCrEI. png](http://i. imgur. com/UkpCrEI","png)" +"I put only mustard on my hot dogs. but I eat them with relish","Actually said by my dad, yesterday" +"Why did the coffee file a police report","It got mugged" +"Why did the orange roll down the hill","Because its round" +"Your DNA is backward","AND" +"I met an. Asian girl today with the last name of China","It was her made-in name" +"Why are Gay Pride parades in Summer","Because Pride comes before the Fall" +"All jokes a side","All jokes" +"Heard this one at the bar. Wife:. I'll have a 7 & 7. Husband:","She'll have a 14" +"How do you call your sister when she wears a shirt with Apple's logo","iSIS" +"What's short white and dissapointing","This punchline" +"The other day I held the door open for a clown","It was a nice jester" +"I'm not a dad, but I guess I'd be an alright one. A wall clock had stopped working so I changed the batteries: Dad: did you fix it. Me: only time will tell","Got em" +"Why couldn't the bicycle go up the hill","It was two-tired" +"What does a sniper feel when he kills someone. Recoil","^(totally not based on a Paladins quote oh no)" +"Met a loud and aggressive Canadian man today","He had a real Type Eh personality" +"A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar","Bartender says Don't you start anything in here!" +"Son. Joked my mom today Mom- help me find this mirror. It's in the shape of a sun with a mirror in the middle Me- I picked up a regular hand mirror I think found it. Mom- Really. I've been looking everywhere. Me- while looking into the mirror is this the son mirror you were looking for. Thankfully she thought it was just as funny as I did","I'm just preparing for the future" +"How do you make holy water","You boil the hell out of it" +"Why haven't Elon Musk been to Mars yet","It's too falcon far" +"As we were driving through the countryside, I looked at my boy and said, Mountains aren’t just funny.","they’re hill areas" +"What did the artist say to his car","Van Gogh" +"Got my friend yesterday While walking outside, we saw a sign for some company named Ratio: me: you heard anything about Ratio. her: no, you. me: i've heard opinion is divided","her: >:(" +"What’s a cookie’s standard unit for force","A Fig Newton" +"Why are the North Koreans the best at geometry","Because they’ve got a Supreme Ruler" +"I was reading a book on. Helium","I couldn't put it down" +"I accidentally played dad instead of dead when encountering a bear","Now it can ride a bike without training wheels" +"I've been working day an night in a chicken farm and now","I am eggsausted" +"You living, you occupy space, and you have mass. You know what that means","You matter" +"Arguments between P. teachers never last long","They always work it out" +"I'm finally over my lunch meat addiction","I quit cold turkey" +"I own a horse named. Mayo","Mayo neighs" +"Why do Swedes put barcodes on their warships","So they can scan da navy in" +"Homicidal jokes aren’t funny","They always kill the mood" +"I hate the key E minor","It gives me the E-B-G-Bs" +"My Husband Got Me Friday Night. He's Canadian and I'm from the Southwestern states (Arizona) and he had never had a corn tortilla street taco, so I made pork carnitas on Friday night. He loved them and then he said to me, That was a maize balls","Took me a minute to get it but then I rolled my eyes at him" +"Hey all, don't forget to hook up your Deep Fryer today","Cause today is Fry Day" +"My 8 year old daughter just got me. My son was singing one of the songs from the Lion King. I thought it sounded weird so I asked, Are those real words. My daughter said, Yep. They're all in the dictionary","I couldn't be prouder" +"My guitar teacher got arrested the other day","He was caught fingering A minor" +"People ask me how. I got so good at martial arts","I have a senseitional trainer" +"Why couldn't the vulture get through TSA","He had too many carrions" +"Want to hear a good joke about food","Never mind, it’s tasteless" +"It was way to early for this. Girlfriend: We need to get to the tennis court before it opens. Me: Why so early","Girlfriend: It's first come first serve" +"Can a ninja aim precisely","surehecan" +"In honor of my late father","I got him a new watch so he could be on time instead" +"My dad got everyone at the airport today So we're flying SouthWest airlines, which means that everyone has a boarding group A to D and a boarding number 1 to 60 to determine when everyone gets to board. As soon as they call boarding group A, my dad walks right up to the ticket checker with a big smile on his face and says, Excuse me, but I believe I'm supposed to board *before* everyone else. She is confused for a moment and then he proudly holds up his ticket which has B4 on it","Everyone kind of chuckled and I quickly buried my face in my hands" +"Did you know that French fries werent made in France","They made in greece" +"Dinner took forever to make because I kept eating the herbs","It was very thyme-consuming" +"Honing My Craft After getting back from a long weekend getaway, my wife was trying to get some ice out of the freezer, but it was all stuck together. Her: Babe. Can you break up the ice. Me (leaning my head into the freezer): So. what do you do for a living. Her: What. Ohhhhh","I grinned and self-high-fived" +"What followed was my wife looking at me with complete disapproval saying oh my god, you are so dumb, you are so dumb I opened the freezer door last night and a package of ground beef fell to the floor","I picked it up, looked at my wife and said, huh, I guess that's why it's called ground beef" +"The only thing flat Earther's have to fear","Is sphere itself" +"I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful","But it turns out to just be blowing hot air" +"Dublin is the biggest city in Europe","It's always Dublin" +"My 8 year old finished eating dinner 8yo: There, I ate. Me [points at 9yo]: Good job. She nine. 8yo: 🤔. 9yo: Ugh. Because I'm nine and you're eight. You _ate_. I _nine_","8yo: Daaaad" +"Have you ever heard the joke about eggs. There's a dozen of them. They'll crack you up","" +"That new Schwarzenegger movie Me: Did you hear that Arnold is making a new movie about a Baroque composer. Wife:","Me: I'll be Bach Wife: <censored>" +"The king was found dead after the storm","His rain was over" +"The pearly gates St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand. Sure, replied Jesus. What do I have to do. Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven. Sounds easy enough. OK. So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, What did you do for a living. The old man replied, I was a carpenter. Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. Did you have any family. he asked. Yes, I had a son, but I lost him. Jesus leaned forward some more. You lost your son. Can you tell me about him. Well, he had holes in his hands and feet. Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, Father","The old man leaned forward and whispered, Pinocchio" +"Was grocery shopping with my dad and he couldn't find the lettuce So I looked up, saw it, and said Iceberg","Dead ahead" +"I tried to get my two positively-charged friends to hook up","But there was just no attraction" +"What do you call a mexican Nazi","Herr mano" +"I always run out of data during hayfever season","My eyes are constantly streaming" +"I told my wife she had bad instincts","And her out-stinks are even worse" +"Successful dad joke Talking with the fiancée about what she was going to have for dinner: Her: Well, i don't know. maybe I'll just have leftovers from last night. Me: if you're having leftovers, I guess that means I'll take the rightovers","Her: stop it" +"I just got my birthday card and when. I opened it, maple syrup came oozing out. It was from my. Aunt","Jemima" +"I can't stand stuck-up bodies of water","I mean, get over yourself, Lake Superior" +"Im going to start collecting highlighters","Mark my words!" +"When is a dad joke mature","When it's full groan" +"Groundhog Day Not completely sure this is a dadjoke but it sure got the same reaction. This happened about two years ago. My wife used to work nights and on Friday and Saturday after she went to work, my then-12yo son and I would often watch a movie together. Sometimes he picked, usually it was a movie from The List, movies I liked when I was his age, things that shaped my sense of humor. I want him to be able to recognize the stupid quotes and references I throw at him. It’s his cultural education. So we settled in for Groundhog Day. I’m a sucker for time travel shenanigans. Finished it up, he enjoyed it, and the next morning he was off to Boy Scout camp for a week. He came back, we’re all excited to see him, and I tell him I got Groundhog Day 2 from Netflix. Threw it in the DVD player and we got about 20 minutes into before he looked at me and said “this is just Groundhog Day all over again, isn’t it. There is no Groundhog Day 2","” So worth an extra week hanging onto the disc" +"A man goes to a costume party A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman in his back. Someone asked: What are you supposed to be. The man replies Oh, I'm a turtle. But how are you a turtle. You've just got a naked woman on your back","Oh that The man replies, That's Michelle" +"The first funny joke my step dad has ever said. He walked to the fridge whilst","I was in the kitchen, got out the milk, waved it past his face a couple of eyes and whispered past your eyes milk ." +"Pulled this one after going out to dinner last night Waitress: Do you wanna box","Me: I'd rather wrestle I chuckled" +"Just remember in a running race, use your wit","You have to stay one step ahead of the rest" +"I'm trying to put together a top level Hide-N-Seek team. The problem is","good players are hard to find" +"NASA is planning on launching a bunch of cows into space","It'll be the herd shot 'round the world" +"Dad just hit me with this one: Why can't you explain puns to kleptomaniacs","Because they always take things, literally" +"What did the hat say to the hat rack","Goodbye for now, I’m leaving on ahead" +"Best read in Sean Connery's voice","If all of your books fall on the floor, you only have yourshelf to blame" +"The jumper I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity","so I returned it and exchanged it for another one free of charge" +"Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees","They’re really good at it" +"I'm a cop and the reason","I woke up my son was… …to stop a kid napping…" +"What do you call a cake baked by a hooker","Hoemade" +"What is a pirate’s favorite restaurant","Arrr-by’s" +"I auditioned and got the part in a bread commercial","The director said I was perfect for that roll" +"Double scientific Dad Joke I was in my Organic Chemistry class and we were talking about something called Frost's Circle My teacher asked why this is important and I said Because it's cool Groans everywhere. So I said Well look at his diagram, there's no way around it","Double groans" +"So if a guy moves from Southern Morocco to Southern Spain","He's The Berber of Seville" +"I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water","It’s an untapped market" +"I used to be able to trim hedges. But now","I just can’t cut it" +"What does someone say when they like rocks","geology rocks" +"Finger Condoms A guy at work broke out a big bag of finger cots, jokingly known as finger condoms. Another guy close by saw them and was like, What the. The first guy explained that they used them over at the assembly lines to keep grease off the product while keeping their fingers nimble. Gloves won't give you the freedom you need. It's at this point I couldn't help myself. I just opened my mouth and it fell out","They're also used for practicing safe texts" +"I just drank concentrate by mistake","I guess that'll teach me for not paying attention" +"Son, do you know how to tell if a girl is ticklish","Give her a test tickle" +"Grandad joke So I am going on my first international business trip and it is to Switzerland. I receive a text from gramps out of the blue, I heard you are going to learn how to yodel. Say in a high pitch voice 'a little old lady who. ' me: Facepalm","Love you too Grandpa" +"She's only 4. We've been teaching our 4 year old angel/terrorist daughter to use the phone so that in an emergency she'll be able to call me/SO/emergency services. I noticed when i got home yesterday that I had a missed call on my mobile phone from the land-line number, so I asked her: Did you call me earlier. Quick as a flash she replys: No, I called you Dad","My work here is done" +"Why do pirates in poverty always walk the plank","They can't afford a dog" +"Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda","He was lucky it was a soft drink" +"What do you call a fat psychic","A four-chin teller" +"Too early for this . I woke up early for work,and was getting dressed while my girlfriend lazily poked at her phone. I was laying out my clothes, saying as I go: undershirt . work shirt . underwear . jeans . French bovine . can't wear shoes without the French bovine . I noticed my girlfriend was staring at me, bewildered, but also wearing her what sort of stupid thing are you saying now. I asked what was the matter, and she inquired what a French bovine is. I said, you shouldn't wear shoes without . A Paris ox. edited: stupid mistakes","It makes better sense now" +"Why does a chicken coup have only 2 doors If it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan","&#x200B; Ok, I'm leaving" +"I was going to have a brain transplant","Changed my mind" +"What do you call a cheating gummy bear","A scummy bear" +"So my wife recently gave birth to our son in the car on the way to the hospital, I think we shall name him","Carson" +"Edgy names Coworker (reading an article online): Hm a 'List of Baby Names with an *Edge*' Me: You mean like Cliff","Nobody laughed" +"Ordering a cake over the phone And what would you like the cake to say","[covers phone to ask wife] Honey, do we want a talking cake" +"What kind of award did the dentist receive","A little plaque" +"Wednesday","After sunrise, when the night is over" +"What do you do if you see a space man","You should park man" +"A friend of mine asked me to adopt some baby cows, and I agreed","What can I say, I’m always willing to raise the steaks" +"(NSFW) Where does a penis live","A Condom-inium" +"I used to make terrible apocalypse puns","But armageddon better at it" +"Me: I am terrified of random letters Therapist: you are. Me: [screams] Therapist: I see","Me: [screams again]" +"Popular one but my dad LOVED it. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer","The bartender says, Sorry we don’t serve food here" +"Why isn’t a koala a real bear","It doesn’t meet the koalifications" +"Quick. I need to know a type of fluid that comes from a tree","ASAP" +"What shocked the electrician on TV","Current events" +"Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny. Judge: I beg your pardon","Lawyer: He's in a cent" +"What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft","A-flat minor" +"What happens when your mean to a cow","They get in a bad moood" +"I have a mahine that turns notes into dollar coins","It makes no cents" +"If. I ever open a comedy club/bar. I'll call it. Cheers and","Booze" +"I’m really jealous of dentists’ schedule","They don’t have to go to work till tooth hurty." +"How did the french fry propose to the hamburger","With an ONION RING🥁" +"I went to a party dressed as a clock, but left early","They kept winding me up all night" +"Clark","Kent never needed a chaperone on field trips as a kid because he already had super vision." +"I was really bored, so I decided to memorize 6 pages of the dictionary","I learned Next to Nothing" +"My wife told me I won’t advance in my career because I procrastinate too much. I said, “Oh yeah","Just you wait" +"What do Redditors open on Christmas","GIFS" +"We should've known communism would fail","There were alot of red flags" +"Where does a one-armed man shop","at the secondhand store" +"I was telling my dad how I slipped and fell in the rain today while walking over a speed bump at my apartment complex","His response was Well you must have been walking too fast" +"I’m going to my Nigerian friend’s wedding tomorrow. He’s marrying his girlfriend from Bangkok","It’s supposed to be a Black Thai affair" +"I hate when people get simple sayings wrong","I mean, it's not rocket surgery" +"So I taught my dog how to use a periscope","now he's a sub woofer" +"My dad's taxi rank ripper So last week, my family was returning home on a plane flight, and because we had a lot of luggage, my parents decided to take a taxi. Well, we'd been waiting at the taxi rank for a while, and my dad exclaims: We've been waiting here ten minutes, and what have we got to chauffeur it","Groans were had" +"How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb","2, but how did they get in there" +"A Father in my restaurant I greet my table and after going over the specials everyone needs more time to look over the drink list. So I say, i'll get you started with a round of waters The Dad in the group says: Can I have a square one. Me: . uuuhhhh, what. At this point the whole family goes quiet and just tries to ignore what is going on and stare into their drink lists. Dad: A square one, you said you were going to bring round waters. I'd like a square one. Me:","uhhh i'll see what I can do" +"Why was 6 afraid of 7","Because 7 was a registered six offender" +"My music teacher wanted me to sing tenor","Ten or twelve miles away" +"Why wasn't the pterodactyl a hit with the ladies","He suffered from air-reptile dysfunction" +"Why is everyone so tired on April 1","Because they just finished a March of 31 days" +"My mom talking about her day at work. My dad and mom were talking about their day at work","Mom: its been getting more difficult at work because they are short people Dad: they are preschoolers, then tend to be short people Mom: *sigh*" +"I swallowed to pieces of string. A few hours later they were tied together","I shit you knot" +"Bus Back in my school days: * Me asking teacher; May I please be dismissed a few minutes early to take the next bus. * Teacher; Yeah, I don't want it, so go ahead","That made me giggle a bit" +"I’ve been throwing bread at my sick wife for a month","She’s still feeling pretty crummy" +"If I was a superhero, I would be known as Typo Man","I write all wrongs" +"Why does the camera equipment like to party with the green screen","Because it gets lit" +"Can we not make any egg related dad jokes on this sub","They are uneggceptable" +"It's not an optical illusion","It just looks like one" +"Every garbage day, my dad points at the bin, pokes me on the chest and yells,","“You wanna take this outside" +"Thanks. This has been my favorite subreddit","I've been getting more groans at my workplace than our ER department" +"My son set me up to get my wife. We drove past [this statue](https://i. imgur. com/XNGjLIw. jpg) and my toddler son asked if it was a snake. I said, No, it's a mermaid, but that was an honest mis-snake. My wife groaned and rolled her eyes","I high-fived my son when we got home" +"This is old but gold. [link](http://www. mining. com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/diver-finds-1-million-in-300-year-old-gold-coins-off-florida-coast","jpg)" +"The collective noun for glaciers a","Julio" +"Dad, can brown-eyed parents give their kids blue genes. Me: Why of course, son - and sometimes even khakis or chinos if the parents are more stylish","\[Made up by me on the spot in response to my son's question about their biology unit in science class\]" +"I hate elevators but i gotta say","They have their ups and downs" +"What do you call philosophers having a debate on morality","Moral Kombat" +"Why did Peter Pan fail as a comedian","Because his jokes neverland" +"Which member of the Foot family did dad ask to say the dinner prayer","Topher Grace" +"Asked Siri to tell me a joke and this is what she said: The past, present and future walk into a bar","It was tense" +"My dad last night Last night I was trying to watch television and the batteries weren't working. insert my dad Me: I just got these batteries today. Why do they not work","Dad: You need Betteries" +"My wife said DO NOT tell this joke to anyone else Holmes and Watson are about to go out on an investigation. Before leaving, Watson says he needs to use the restroom. He goes in and 5 minutes pass, 10 minutes pass, 15 minutes pass. Finally Holmes goes to the door and asks if he's feeling constipated","Watson replies, Yeah, no shit Sherlock" +"Are there holes in your socks","Then how did you get your feet in them" +"A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants. ” The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know","It’s driving me nuts" +"What sound does a rubber airplane make","Boeing" +"Apparently my grandfather used to draw a picture with two guys and a boob on a leash","Then would tell you it's just two guys walking abreast" +"At night","I like to lay in bed, stare up at the stars and wonder, Where's my roof?" +"What did the buffalo say when his son left","Bison" +"My wife found her first whole sand dollar at the beach. I told her that she's rich. A whole sand dollar is worth 100 sand cents","(wife shakes head in utter disappointment)" +"My parents both got me today. I was just coming back from a camping trip with a whole bunch of stuff, trying to get it into the house. My parents both walk up. My mom: Do you want a hand. Me: Sure My parents look at me and both start clapping","Me: -__-" +"This is pure gold. http://imgur","com/aINHN38" +"Do you know how I got to the Persian Restraunt","Iran" +"I knew I shouldn't have had that seafood","Now I'm feeling a little eel" +"This looks dangerous. What do you want on your tombstone","Dad: Extra Cheese" +"I recently overheard my dad washing the dishes. He repeatedly pushed a fork under water while saying: WHO DO YOU FORK FOR","WHAT'S YOUR PLATE" +"Dad giving some solid advice. After shaving I said there's more hair on the right side of my face than the left. His reply: Stop sleeping on your left side, its pushing the hair back in","Thanks Dad" +"BREAKING. NEWS:. Truck hauling pigment collides with tour bus on bridge and both fall into river","Thankfully no lives lost, but everyone dyed" +"Here’s why. I make dad jokes:","Because that’s just how eye roll." +"I’m sorry. Carl, diarrhea is hereditary","It runs in your jeans" +"While eating dinner with my girlfriend. We were both extremely tired from having little sleep and we were at this diner before checking in for the night. I put my head down for a second while we waited for food and she told me she'd assault me if I didn't wake up. I promptly ignored her then felt this weird sensation on my arms and neck","I look up to see she's been using a salt shaker on me" +"A sheep, a drum and a snake falls off a cliff","Baa dum tsss" +"Why was the Asian Dad always disappointed in the programmer kid","All he knew was C++" +"What did the novels do when the library caught fire","They booked it" +"Hot dog jokes","They are the wurst" +"A truck load of Viagra have just been stolen","Police are looking for hard-on'd criminals" +"I was running late for work yesterday so I called the bus company to ask if my bus was running on time. The lady on the other end laughed at me and said Dear. We don't operate a fleet of DeLoreans","All of our buses run on Diesel" +"Finland has just closed their borders","No one will be crossing the finish line" +"I asked a communist to lend his ruler to me","He said he has none" +"You're all like family to me. [I think we can all relate. ](http://i. imgur. com/ArIDIvm","png)" +"I'm a mom, but did a good dad joke today. My son: Mom, you're annoying Me: Yo mama's annoying","Son silent" +"We have a 'Where are you. ' board in my house. My dad thinks he's funny http://imgur","com/o9zMZHh" +"Why is my shoe always hiding","He’s quite the sneeker" +"I got in a bad accident and the doctors had to remove my left leg and arm. At that moment. I realized","I had nothing left to lose" +"Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who got fired","He couldn’t control his pupils" +"The Adele Chocolate Easter Bunny Yesterday I had an Adele chocolate Easter bunny","The first half was delicious, but it was hollow from the other side" +"A blind man walked into a bar","A table and a chair" +"What material makes the best breast implants. What material makes the best breast implants","Mammary foam" +"If. I broke that dollar into change for you","It would make cents" +"What do Eskimos eat when they vacation in Mexico","Brrr-itos" +"If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it","then my illegal logging operation is a great success" +"my wife was complaining that. I never buy her flowers to be honest,","I never even knew she sold flowers" +"A router goes to see the doctor, and the doctor asks, What seems to be the problem","The router replies It hurts when IP" +"Dad, I'm hungry. Oh so we're using our made up names","I'm Spiderman" +"Dad just sent me this stupid email. Still made me laugh. http://imgur","com/apZ10b5" +"Why is 6 afraid of 7","Because 7 is a registered six offender" +"What's the difference between a sock and a camera","A camera takes photos and a sock takes five toes" +"Google Assistant gave me a much needed chuckle. Screenshot: https://imgur","com/gallery/wisnQ" +"Watching the Olympic track cycling. *My housemate:* Do they have brakes. *Me:* No, because then somebody would have to remember whereabouts on the track all the cyclists were while they got a bottle of water and a snack","*My housemate:* ugh" +"Why did the burglars steal soap","They wanted a clean getaway" +"I think this place is like two numbered cubes","Pair a' dice" +"Do you know that an alligator won’t attack you if you carry a flashlight. Really, Honey","“Depends on how fast you carry the flashlight" +"Why are frogs bad at welding. They have more practice with [*ribbets*. ](https://en. wikipedia. org/wiki/Rivet)","Also, probably the opposable thumbs thing" +"I hope this subreddit upvotes originality","originality" +"We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, What's upstairs. I chuckled and replied, Awwwww sweetie","Stairs don't talk" +"What did the bra say to the hat. “You go on ahead","I’ll give these two a lift" +"6:30 is the best time of the day","Hands down" +"Just got de-dad-joked by my three year old Gave her some strawberries, Are they good. Yeah, but I'm spirsty (thats how she says thirsty) You are. Yeah, but not my name, I'm just Madeline - not spirsty I just want some juice","hehehe" +"I purchased what I thought was a partial pillow cover","Turned out to be a complete sham" +"Heard this from my step dad Mom: Careful running on the trail, there have been cougar sightings. Step Dad: I'm sure you'll be fine","You can outrun those older women no problem" +"Why was the big cat disqualified from the race","It was a cheetah" +"A classic dad joke *picks up stud finder* Hmmm let's test it to see if it works *makes beeping sound as he waves it over himself* Yep","Seems fine to me" +"Did you hear about what the life guard said to the hippie surfer","“You’re too far out man" +"A weasel walks into a bar. Saunters up to the bar, the barkeeper asks “What’ll you have. ” “Pop","” Goes the weasel" +"Dad at work I'm a server and at my restaurant we have an item called the lox and lox. I'm serving an elderly couple and the wife exclaims ooo they have loxs. The husband looks me dead in the eye and says Does that come with any keys. He said it with such a straight face I almost didn't get it","I cracked up while his wife gave a loud sound of exasperation" +"Every time we watched a VHS movie in the eighties [Dad - How do they know what size tv we have. ](http://image. wikifoundry","com/image/3/WcYlv_qNtNWIeXsYngH22w214390/GW283H202) Me - Groan" +"I always used to wonder why it was called pepper spray. Then","I realized it's because you can use it if you ever get asalted" +"What did one wall say to the other wall","Let's, uh, meet up in the corner" +"My wife told me. My wife told me “I lost 3 pounds. ” I replied “Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll find it","” Posting from the couch" +"What’s the best clothing for Hide and Seek","Leather armor, because it’s made of hide" +"I'm thinking about selling my theremin","I haven't touched it in years" +"I collected and analyzed a lot of data trying to disprove observation bias","The results were exactly what I expected" +"A pony always fails opera auditions","because she's always a little horse" +"I don't like black and white paintings","I feel like they are over-valued" +"I threw my coin into the wishing fountain and wished for lots of coins","Turns out wishes just don't come true, sometimes you have to get your feet wet" +"My wife warned me not to steal the kitchen utensils","But it's a whisk I am willing to take" +"I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk","It shall be a security gourd" +"T is not a fan of Dave Grohl","In fact, he pities the foo" +"How do they wash laundry in Bangkok","They use Thai Pods" +"We have a big problem in our apartment My girlfriend found 6 flies in our bathroom the other day and wanted me to go kill them. When i finished I said I've killed so many of these things I'm probably on the F. Fly's Most Wanted list","Barely even a chuckle, she just shook her head at me" +"the grossest man alive competition My dad used to tell me this joke all the time. I thought it was hilarious when I was little and still do. Once there was a vile, disgusting man who got a magazine on the mail. When he went to the bathroom to take a shit he decided to read the magazine. In the magazine he found an ad for a competition for the Grossest Man Alive. He thought Hey, I can win this , so he filled out the forms and thought To show how gross I truly am, I am going to wipe my ass with the form. , so he did and he sent it in the mail. A week later he got a letter in the mail that said We are sorry but you cannot compete for the Grossest Man Alive Title because gross men don't wipe their asses","sorry for bad english" +"I heard my parents saying this Dad: (My name) and I spent the day together. Mom: How did you enjoy your Father-Son day. Dad: What do you mean Sunday. It's Saturday","Mom: *starts laughing* Me: *walks away*" +"Dad, what are you thinking about. “A bear. ” “What kind of bear","” “Bear in mind" +"What kind of sandwich do cars like","A tune-up sandwich" +"Spelling Lesson This made me groan today. * Mom: Michael. * Dad: Yes. * Mom: Which family is coming to the real estate dinner. * Dad: The Goossen family. * Mom: Spell that. * Dad: T H A T, that","My mom and I both groaned heavily" +"What did the gambler say when asked what his favorite numbers were","I like those odds" +"How can you tell if a crab is drunk","It walks straight" +"A very talented dog Once upon a time there was a man who had a very talented dog. It was able to program computers, and also able to play the piano","Then a series of events happened which led to the punchline, which is: don't worry, his Bach is worse than his byte" +"I am finally understanding how purifiers work","It's all becoming clear to me now" +"Merry Christmas Adam everybody","The day before Christmas Eve" +"My boss fired me for cracking too many Asian jokes","It ended my Korea" +"My 13 year old got me with this one 13: I need a new butt. Me: what. Why","13: mine has a crack in it" +"What do you call a alligator that can count","A calculator" +"What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it","Nothing, it just gave out a little whine" +"What is red and bad for your teeth","A brick" +"I hear they're making a movie called Premature. Ejaculation","It's coming soon." +"Why does Yoda smell nice","Because he uses de-Yoda-rent" +"I tried force feeding my son this morning… Feed him properly Dave","Said my wife, You're not a Jedi" +"My horoscope said I should enter the lottery today because I'm a Pisces","I dunno, sounds fishy to me" +"Dad said this to my mom today. Her: Honey remind me to call Denise later","Him: What about Denephew" +"I: Without your glasses, you can't see four feet. My daughter, from the other room: How about four *legs","* I'm a proud dad right now" +"Did you hear that the Swedes have started putting barcodes on the hulls of their warships","Now, when they pull into port, they can Scandinavian" +"I went into a Montana gift store to steal a bunch of stuff","I came back MT handed" +"Shot in the army Son: Hey dad Dad: Hey son Son: Were you ever shot in the army. The dad gets tears in his eyes, as he looks up remembering the distant past. He turns to his son with a solemn face","Dad: No, but I was shot in the leggy" +"Mary became rich after giving birth to. Jesus","She made a prophet!" +"What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts","beer nuts cost a few dollars, but deer nuts are just under a buck" +"Dad, how much money do you make. A man came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his 5 year old son waiting for him at the door. “Daddy, may I ask you a question . ” “Yeah, sure, what is it . ” replied the man. “Daddy, how much money do you make an hour. ” “That’s none of your business. What makes you ask such a thing. ” the man said angrily. “I just want to know.   Please tell me, how much do you make an hour. ” pleaded the little boy. “If you must know, I make $20. 00 an hour. ” “Oh,” the little boy replied, head bowed. Looking up, he said, “Daddy, may I borrow $9. 00 please. ” The father was furious. “If the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed.    Think about why you’re being so selfish.   I work long, hard hours every day and don’t have time for such childish games. ” The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boy’s questioning.   How dare he ask such questions only to get some money. After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son.   May be there was something he really needed to buy with that $9. 00 and he really didn’t ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.   “Are you asleep son. ” he asked. “No daddy, I’m awake,” replied the boy. “I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier,” said the man.   “It’s been long day and I took my aggravation out on you. Here’s that $9. 00 you asked for. ” The little boy sat straight up, beaming. “Oh, thank you daddy. ” he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled up bills.   The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man. “Why did you want more money if you already had some. ” the father grumbled. “Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied. “Daddy, I have $20. 00 now.   Can I buy an hour of your time","” The father looked upon his son with a smile as he walked towards the door and said Overtime is double pay" +"Man,. I really love my furniture","Me and my recliner go way back" +"I really dislike velcro","Its such a ripoff" +"I love talking about infinity","I can go on and on about it." +"What vegetable is the most confusing","Beets me" +"If you had kids, but then got a sex change, nobody would be able to see you","You'd be transparent" +"My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit","But it just made scents to me" +"Why should you not write with a dull pencil","Because it's pointless" +"What is a 4 man rock group that makes no music","Mount rushmore" +"Why do bees have sticky hair","Because they use honeycombs" +"Was watching my dad fix a clock today. Sitting around having a few beers for father's day. The hour hand had come loose from the clock on the back porch and he went about fixing it, like he does most things. Finished up surprisingly quickly so I asked if he was done. Dad: Only time will tell I laughed so good. His grin was priceless. He was so proud of himself","Good day" +"What do you call a. Spanish toilet that weighs 1000 kg. El-ton","John" +"My dad is obsessed with all types of bags. Where does he live","Baghdad" +"Kate accidentally dropped the toothpaste","she felt * crestfallen" +"So on my way to work today, i noticed alot of people using the church parking lot to make. U-Turns","I guess the church is a good place to turn yourself around." +"As a soon to be father,. I really feel like. I need to say this:","This" +"I'm taking up breakdance lessons. And apparently. I'm quite good at it because each time","I break some bones" +"What happens after a triceratops works out","It gets dino-sore" +"Always poop before you go for a jog","Otherwise you might get the runs" +"I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keeps attacking him","I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog" +"How do you tell a coroner from a surgeon","It's a dead giveaway" +"Dinner We got a take-and-bake pizza. Wife: Did you time that pizza. Me: Yeah","And it didn't run a very fast 40 yard dash" +"How much do I like carving objects from wood. Not much","Just a whittle" +"I didn’t know why the baseball was getting bigger","And then it hit me" +"Walked up to the fancy cheese counter at the grocery store. The expert cheese guy came over and offered to explain the selection and offer samples. I immediately said oh, you must be the cheese whiz . I burst into laughter, my girlfriend put her head down in shame, and a little piece of him died on the inside","It was glorious" +"An elderly man asked if he could hit me. I was finishing a gig as a fortune teller and in the elevator happy to be going home. An elderly man and his wife joined and he looked at me, smiled, then asked if he could hit me","Confused I laughed and asked why, to which he replied, I've always been told I should strike a happy medium" +"My 9 year old just dad joked me We are watching football and they just kicked an extra point. He says to me that it would be pretty cool if the net wasnt there and it hit the screen behind it. i told him that it wouldnt be very cool","and he came back with i would call it a screen shot" +"Wood is a very forgiving material to work with. That's why","Jesus is a carpenter" +"If Winterfell on Kings Landing","Would River Run" +"My friend broke out crying when I mentioned her hand rash","It's a touchy subject" +"How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb","Just one but the lightbulb has to really want to change" +"I used to work in a calendar factory. I got fired because","I took a few days off" +"What's a known fact about the male erection","[NSFW] It comes and goes" +"What do you call a dad joke that really stinks","Pungent" +"Do you know how I feel","With my hands" +"Why do cows have hooves","Because they lactose" +"The airline damaged my guitar because. I bought a cheap gig bag","It was a worst case scenario" +"How would you describe Chinese food that isn't great","Tso-Tso" +"Daughter wants to put up a poster to find our lost cat. I said she can but","I don't think he can read" +"What do ghosts use to wash their hair","Shamboo" +"Just looked up the definition of confirmation bias","I was right all along" +"Why did the golfer die","He had one too many strokes" +"I used to be addicted to. Tide. Pods,. But now","I'm clean." +"Do you know what they should rename a mugshot","Your cellfie" +"How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station","With four casters" +"My dad was offered sex for services. (x-post r/funny) I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined because I am a person with high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla at your nearest drug and convenience store. Act now and save 1","50 off your next purchase" +"If my son became a priest","Would I call him Father" +"How do we know Donald Trump's hair is going to heaven","Because if it didn't, there'd be Hell Toupee" +"What's the best thing about living in Switzerland","I don't know, but the flag is a big plus" +"Did you guys hear about the stickup on the bridge","Some kid threw it up there" +"I couldn't decide which asian food I wanted more, Japanese or Chinese so","I just called it a Thai" +"Saw a bull laying down in a field today and my dad popped off with","Would ya just look at the ground beef" +"Son, there are two types of people in this world","Your mom and people that are always wrong no matter what" +"I gave up drinking for good","So now I drink for evil" +"6:30 is the best time on a clock","Hands down" +"You know what I heard","Sheep" +"Every full moon, my son goes outside and stares up at it for hours on end","I know it's just a phase" +"There's a kid sat on the floor under a table. in a lesson (I'm a teacher) and a kid at the front asks me: Sir, why is John on the floor. *look over at John, lean in and put on my most helpful voice* Oh, that's called gravity Walk away victorious","(closure: he was getting something out of his bag)" +"Got my boyfriend pretty good with this one I was out to dinner with my boyfriend and his dad, and my boyfriend was telling us about his new job. Bf: “I’ll have to start waking up earlier than usual, I need to be up and at ‘em by 6. ” Me: “Adam. I thought you were Matt. ” Bf: “Wow. ” He sighed as his dad and I laughed and high fived, we had been making awful (or great. ) puns all night","I may be a girl but I’ll definitely be in charge of the dad jokes when we have kids" +"What do Jack the Ripper, Catherine the Great, William the Conqueror, and Ivan the Terrible have in common","The same middle name" +"Dad hit back with a hot one. Me: Did you put the cat out","Him: No, I didn't realise it was on fire" +"Did you know that on the Canary Islands there is not one Canary","Also on the Virgin Islands - same thing - not one canary there either" +"Today. I got an empty fortune cookie","It was very unfortunate" +"Saw this somewhere on reddit, but I don't remember where and can't find it again. It belongs here. When does a joke become a dad joke","When the punchline becomes apparent" +"I think my shoes were laced with acid","I've been tripping all day" +"Asked my dad what do you think about abolishing the penny","He said, that idea is centsless" +"So a spider saw a car he liked at the dealership","He decided to take it out for a spin" +"What’s the cheapest kind meat you can buy","Deer balls, they’re always under a buck" +"What is it called when Venice has a flood","Canalbalism" +"Saw a large green insect on my car window earlier","Must have been a glasshopper" +"Grandad dropped this one on us. We are discussing what food we are going to order at the restaurant: Mum: What about smothered chicken. Grandad: Could I get one that was traditionally slaughtered please.","He was a butcher" +"Why was the king only 12 inches tall","Because he was a ruler" +"Went to the Zoo with this girl I'm seeing. We got to this rocky enclosure they made for mountain goats, who were all just hanging out on this huge rock face. Right at the top there was this really big goat, looking all majestic with a very fluffy coat. Girl: Look at that one at the top, he's looking over the rest like some kind of big boss. Me: Yeah, they call him the Goatfather","She walked away while I keeled over in laughter" +"If satan ever went bald","There would be hell toupee" +"Why can't John Snow sit still","Because his Aunt's in his pants *Repost for edit" +"Steak puns","A rare medium done well." +"Today a lady at the bank asked me to check her balance. So","I pushed her over" +"What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments","An Orca-stra" +"I’ve never made jokes about anti-vaccination people","But I am thinking of giving them a shot" +"My girlfriend said that. I probably don’t look my weight because of my genes","I said “I don’t wear jeans”" +"I tried to share a sandwich with a homeless guy today","He got pissed off and told me to buy my own" +"I got my dad with a joke, it was a piece of cake. We were in the kitchen after dinner and my dad was messing around with a store-bought pineapple upside-down cake for dessert. Dad (Trying to read the label): I can't read this thing it's like Chinese arithmetic. Me: That's because you're reading it upside-down","A hearty laugh was had" +"Eat a teaspoon of baking powder when you get up","It helps you rise" +"I have an old book about clocks that I finally decided to read","It’s about time" +"My wife and I decided not to have kids","The kids aren't taking it very well" +"Friend has a date Friend: Are you selling roses. Me: Yes Friend: Can I buy one for my date tomorrow. Me: Date","Friend: The 6th of March Me:" +"A dad joke courtesy of my wife What sport is played in supermarkets","Basketpull" +"Today. I learned that. Deer can actually write with both hooves. They're","Bambidextrous" +"What’s bigger than a tumor","Threemore" +"What do you call a rich elf","Welfy" +"At a flat viewing this morning. There was a weird door in the lounge that looked like the front door to another house. Me: Where does the door go. Tenant: Narnia Me: Oh, really","Tenant: Yeah, Narnia business" +"As the judge cleaned out her coffee maker, she boldly declared","These are grounds for dismissal" +"If you are feeling down lately, I've got a surprise for you. Get a lamp","It will lighten up your mood" +"A Roman walks into a bar and puts up 2 fingers","He gets 5 drinks" +"My wife plays the French horn","Her: I need to oil my valves Me: So I guess you'll use Valvoline" +"I dated a twin once. I once dated a twin. My friend asked me how I told them apart. I said Stacy has a beauty mark on her right cheek","And Frank has a beard" +"Dadjokes in the bathroom When I walk into a bathroom and all the stalls are occupied, I make sure to say out loud Full house beats a flush","If I'm lucky I can get a muted chuckle from one of the stalls" +"The last. Big. Mac. I ate tasted terrible. I guess that explains why. I got thrown out of the","Apple store." +"Tell my","WiFi love her." +"What kind of pants do sharks wear. Denim. denim. denim. denim","denim" +"Why did the chicken go to the gym","To work on his pecks" +"Bread is a lot like the sun","It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist" +"Goodbye boiling water,","You will be most" +"I just installed a new version of Microsoft Office on my mums computer After exclaiming how nice and new it all looked, I began to sing in my best Louis Armstrong voice:","I think to myself, what a wonderful *Word*" +"How did the shoe become evil","It sold its sole to the devil" +"Never shave in a helicopter","Unless you want Apache beard" +"I wanted to watch the world origami championships yesterday","But it was only on paper view" +"Why don't they play poker in the jungle. Too many cheetahs (Verity by","Colleen hoover)" +"4 yo old daughter hit me with this Why did the tree cross the road","Because it fell" +"What's the difference between a cat and a comma","One has its claws at the end of its paws, and one is a pause at the end of a clause" +"I think. I should buy a sport watch","I'm going to need it in the long run." +"Today. I took all my daughter’s dolls and lined them up by the window facing our grill. I was just preparing a. Barbie","Queue" +"This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves","They are Self Raising" +"My dad was rushed to the hospital after using viagra","He had a hard attack" +"Dad joked my boss today I was given some paperwork to sign today. When I handed it back to my boss, she asked, Can you date them. That's a little forward. We just met, and they didn't really make a great first impression","Pity laughter followed" +"How do you make holy water","You boil the hell out of it" +"What did the Spaniard say after sex outside","Grassy ass" +"I regret not naming my baby Richard","I could've been sending Dick pics all the time" +"Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing this girl. I walked up to the guy, punched him right in the face. No one does that to a girl","not on my watch" +"Did you hear about the circus fire","It was in tents" +"Dad hit my family with this one at dinner Dad sits down down at the table with his plate full of food and starts acting all flustered and stressed out. He lets out a sigh and makes note of how stressed he is with all his work that has to be done","He then smiles, looks at his plate full of chicken, green beans, and mashed potatoes then says there's just so much on my plate right now" +"The urinals were broken at my dad's work He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom","When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him I'm relieved" +"Why don’t you email crows","They prefer you caw" +"Why do babies come out after 9 months","Because they get so big, they run out of womb" +"Hindsight 20:20. Na my hindsight status is ‘married’ https://imgur","com/gallery/5tHAKPq" +"Bike shop I was visiting a friend in Copenhagen, Denmark. As we were having a walk, a shop piqued my interest with the name Loke (which I assumed was one way to spell Loki's name, the Norse God of mischief). Me: What's that shop over there. Friend: That. It's a bike shop. Me: for Bikings","Groans and threats to be thrown off the nearby bridge were made" +"How do astronauts know when their next departure is","They planet" +"Found this in a game thread on /r/soccer There's an Arsenal player whose name is Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain (Ox). He's got some great speed, but has been doing a little poorly earlier this season. I thought [this](http://imgur","com/dxJDydZ) was gold" +"My child was acting up at the doctor’s office","I said, “Be a little patient" +"The man who invented the Ferris wheel desperately wanted to meet the person who invented the Merry Go Round","Unfortunately they travelled in different circles" +"I failed a sculpting class","It was a total bust" +"What did the people call their 12 inch king","A ruler" +"What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe","Roberto" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When it becomes a parent" +"Son: Dad, what is child molestation","Dad: Well son, its a very touchy subject" +"My bald dads favourite joke Dad: I’m getting a new tattoo. Me: What of. Dad: A rabbit, on the back of my head. Me: Why","Dad: It looks like hare" +"I was never a fan of archery","Way too many drawbacks" +"A classic joke my dad tells My dad is a truck driver. This story gets everyone he's ever told it to: Dad: So I'm driving through Detroit at about 3-4am to start my route. As you know, most of the inner city roads are crap, and are polluted with potholes. Suddenly I see an ambulance in my mirror going full speed with its lights on. I immediately pull off to the side of the road to let it pass. This is where it gets crazy. The ambulance drives through the intersection bouncing through potholes and as it does, the back door flies open and a cooler pops out, but the ambulance keeps going like nothing happened. Well I was the only one around at that time of the night so I immediately stopped to grab the cooler. I bring it into my cab and it has a hazmat sticker on it but the seal is broken. So I decided to open it up and see what was inside. It was a human toe. Me: Holy shit. What did you do","Dad: I called the toe truck" +"Why would you take sandpaper to the desert","So you can have a map" +"I used to shave my head because. I didn’t like how hair looked. But once","I stopped shaving it grew on me" +"I glued my watch to my belt buckle. Now I can't read it","What a waist of time" +"Why couldn't the man open the door","He couldn't handle it" +"What do u call a letter from a feminist","Hate Male" +"Why was the roofer sent home from work","He had shingles" +"Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion","I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence" +"What did the magician say when she had a wardrobe malfunction","Abracabadbra" +"What’s brown and rhymes with snoop. Dr","Dre" +"What's the best smell in the world. Me: Dad, do you know what the best smell in the world is. Dad: what. Me: the smell of a dollar. Dad: do you know what smells even better. Me: what","Dad: two dollars" +"What vegetable do plumbers hate","Leeks" +"Wanting to build an ark","I Noah guy" +"Older gentleman told this joke at a Boy Scout campfire program a while ago. Thought it would fit here. Once upon a time, when I was a wee lad, still in Boy Scouts, I went on a camping trip to Montana with my troop. It was going to be a great time, enjoying the cool weather and scenic views of the evergreen forests. However, we did have one issue: Montana is pretty notorious for having lots of bears. We weren't scared though, since our park ranger guide told us that bears can be scared off by making lots of noise, like yelling or hitting sticks on trees. Anyway, me and one of my friends, we'll call him Frank, were out exploring in the woods. We were doing what we were told to scare off the bears, but we were still a little antsy. After a while, we got hungry, so we decided to sit down and eat our packed lunch. We found a nice log to sit on and rest our feet, and we put down our packs and started to sit. But then, Frank let out the BIGGEST scream I've ever heard. Then, he took off running, fast as a cheetah. I thought, Uh, oh. Frank must've seen a bear. , so I took off after him. Frank was running so fast, we must have run for miles at breakneck speed. Eventually, he started to tire, and as I got closer, I saw why Frank screamed and started running. He had sat on a bear trap, and it was stuck fast to his rear end. We had a good laugh about it, but the bear trap really did leave its mark. It's been a long time since that happened, and Frank hasn't run in while, but I like to tell this story because it explains why Frank's only half-fast now","(If you don't get the joke, say the last sentence out loud)" +"Breaking news:. Two minibuses carrying jazz musicians have collided on the country’s busiest road","Police say to expect long jams" +"The pyromaniac fell deeply in love with his favorite fire-starting tool","It was a match made in heaven" +"A tree trunk impaled my computer. Now","I can't log in" +"What do call something that is average at making egg whites","A medi-yolker" +"I was getting breakfast with my roommate I decided to order tea. A few minutes after the tea arrived at my table, my roommate accidentally knocked it over","He was apologizing profusely and I told him to sleep with one eye open, because the consequences for his actions will be steep" +"About to become a grandfather and he still has time for dad jokes A text I sent to my dad after I went into labor: Me: MY WATER JUST BROKE","Dad: Better call a plumber" +"Fun fack: before the crowbar was invented","Most crows drank at home." +"How do you get a farmer’s daughter to like you","A tractor" +"How does a martial artist make bread","With taekwon-dough" +"I was grating some cheese for my dad","He said, Thanks, you did a grate job." +"Caught my girlfriend looking at me today. I asked her what was up and she said Oh, just giving you a loving gaze","So I quickly informed her it's 2016 and the proper term is loving LGBTQs" +"Why do Frenchmen make the best Podiatrists","They are experts with defeat" +"I can’t bring my new girlfriend home to my parents because she has had her feet amputated","They are lack-toes intolerant" +"Where’s the best place to put a TV","In a remote area" +"My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went out and had beers","Cool guy, very driven, wants to be a web designer" +"Which Jedi prefers Italian food","Obi-Wan Cannelloni" +"Just dad joked my boss. No shame. My boss gets a phone call letting him know a client is here. Boss - Oh, Joe Wright is here. Where is he. (Talking to the receptionist downstairs) So I turn to my boss and say Oh, Joe Wright just left. Then turned back to my computer in silence with a bunch of shameful looks from my co-workers","Boom" +"If a priest is travelling at the speed of light","does he still have mass" +"Craigslist people don't appreciate dad jokes http://imgur","com/a/z7wVZ" +"What kind of tool fixes allergies","A Benadryl" +"Sex with 4 people is a foursome, sex with 3 people is a threesome so","Hi Reddit, I'm lonesome" +"Why doesn't Moby Dick go to parties he is invited to","because he never checks his ish-mail" +"An expectant father and his pregnant wife are on vacation in the wilderness. Suddenly his wife goes into labor. The man frantically dials 911. **Operator:** 911, what is your emergency. **Dad:** My wife is going into labor. I don't know what to do. **Operator:** Please calm down sir, I'll help you through this. Now, is this her first born. **Dad:** No","This is her husband" +"How do you know when you're going to have a bad hair day. when your hair is being","knotty" +"I accidentally installed a program that keeps on showing me pictures of Chinese politicians","I think it’s maoware" +"My friend asked how my ska band was going","I replied, It's bad right now, but we're picking it up" +"Why do mermaids wear seashells. Because B shells are too small","And D shells are too big" +"Jokes I didn't need to hear from my Dad s01e01 My mom had surgery on her arm today. When she got out, my dad was joking with the nurse asking when she'd be able to vacuum, do the dishes, etc. Nurse just rolled her eyes at everything. My mom in an attempt to curb his joking, said 'By the way, honey, the doctor said no sex for a month' He responds instantly with 'Okay, what'd the dentist say","' Took my mom a minute to get it" +"Some guy came up to me and said, I haven't gone to the bathroom in two years","I said, you're full of crap" +"Finally got my gf good with a dad joke. [Imgur] http://imgur","com/SBWr70N" +"My mayonnaise is trying kill me","or so my sauces tell me" +"My dad made me feel mature for like, 8 seconds. He said: Son now that you're older, I feel like I could use your opinion on some of my business decisions. Can I ask. Obviously I nodded yes. Dad: Well, 2 days ago I bought a couple balloons for 3 cents a piece","How much should I sell them for after adjusting for inflation" +"Why is Hungary called Hungary","If Turkey is right next door" +"Son says to dad. Son: Why is the food cold and bland today papa","Dad: It's because your mom puts her heart and soul into what she cooks son" +"What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back","A stick" +"Do you know why there are no knock knock jokes about America. Because freedome rings. Yes I am aware I am a day lot","Sorry lovelies" +"I hope Elon Musk doesn't become involved in a scandal","ElonGate would be really drawn out" +"What do you call a snake that works in the government","A civil serpant" +"Last night I had a dream that I was responsible for culling half of the living population on Earth","Then I snapped out of it" +"Three months ago my wife came out of the bathroom and said, “I’m pregnant” So I said, “Hi pregnant, I’m dad","” (True story)" +"You should never believe a constipated person","They're always full of shit." +"I can't believe that penguins are always denied bail","They're not even flight risks..." +"What do you call a fish that only cares about itself","Shellfish" +"What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals","Phillipe Phillope" +"What do astronauts use to stay warm","Space Heaters" +"I have Kleptomania. But don't worry","When it gets bad I just take something for it" +"Here is the best way to capitalize on an unexpected opportunity","ON AN UNEXPECTED OPPORTUNITY" +"After failing as a teacher, my brother tried his hand at insect-arachnid cross-breeding","I'm getting tired of his stupid ant-ticks" +"During my trip to Madrid I was staying at this small motel when I grew pretty ill. Thankfully the people at the front desk sent the on call doctor over and he was able to fix me up real quick","I told him I didn't expect such a small place to have such a good doctor, to which he told me Nobody expects the Spanish Inn Physician" +"Australians don’t have sex","Australians mate" +"What's red and bad for your teeth","A brick" +"Why does the Little Mermaid wear sea shells","Because she outgrew B shells" +"What do you call a trans that has a baby","Transparent" +"Including snakes in your joke always makes it better","At the very least it adds more scale" +"Do you know what’s really straining","A bowl with holes at the bottom" +"What blood type do optimists have","B positive" +"This winter is having a tough time in the job market","0 Degrees" +"We haven't seen any new pictures of bigfoot in a while","I sure hope he's okay" +"A big moron and a little moron are both standing on the edge of a cliff, the big one falls off. Why didn't the little one fall","Because he was a little more on" +"Not a dad joke, just wanted to let the dad-jokers of the world that the US government has your backs https://twitter. com/ultimateshtpstr/status/1117149591273521152","s=21" +"I had a Matchbox 20 CD that wouldn't play","It was Bent" +"Ask. Jeeves was a bunch of people named. Jeef","Answering your questions." +"What did the police do when they caught the thief stealing the desserts from the bakery","They took him into custardy" +"My mom has begun making Mom jokes. What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk","A Milkdud" +"Girlfriend asked me to preheat the oven for her. GF: Gonna make nuggets for dinner can you preheat the oven for me. Me: Sure what temp. GF: Whatever the nuggets say. Me: *Holding the bag of frozen nuggets to my ear for a moment. * Babe they aren't saying anything. I think they might be dead","GF: I'm leaving you" +"Airplane jokes are risky","Sometimes they never take off and other times they crash and burn" +"What does Matthew McConaughey wear on vacation in Miami","All white, all white, all white" +"Why doesn’t a mummy ever take a vacation","He’s worried he will relax and unwind" +"Woman asks why 20,000 Bees swarm over her car. I did ask 'why pick on my car. ' but my husband, who is a bit of a joker, said it was because of all the Bee Gees CDs in the car. http://www. bbc","uk/news/uk-england-humber-40252990" +"A life in","Politics is full of parties" +"He’s not a real Italian chef","He’s an impasta" +"I took my kids to a pumpkin farm today and they had an electric fence around their parking lot","As I placed my hand on the fence I told my kids I'd be shocked if this is on" +"What do you call a fish with no eyes","Blind" +"a man goes to the doctor man: doc, i can't seem to get green, green grass of home out of my head. doc: sounds like you have tom jones syndrome. man: is it common","doc: it's not unusual" +"Dad told me this one today Once upon a time in China there was a King with the most beautiful daughter in all of China. Three suitors came up to the king and asked him what do we need to do to win the hand of your daughter . The king said whoever brings me the most ping pong balls can marry my daughter. Suitor #1 comes back with 1,000 ping pong balls Suitor #2 comes back with 2,000 ping pong balls Suitor #3 comes back visibly beat up and when the king asked him where are your ping pong balls. Suitor #3 said PING PONG BALLS","I thought you said KING KONG BALLS" +"In an effort to try to bring their snacks up to speed in terms of technology, Lay's is shrinking the size of their product by more than 50%","They're calling them microchips" +"I tried to dadjoke my teacher today We were reading a sonnet and he mentioned how it's in iambic pentameter. And I said, Hi, Bic Pentameter. Nobody laughed. I don't think anyone actually got the joke","It was quiet for a second and then the lesson went on" +"The television is too loud Last night, my son said to me, Dad, the television is too loud. Can you see what the volume is. I said, The volume is 7000 cubic inches. My son looked puzzled, so I said, You asked what the volume was","He groaned when he realized what I said" +"What’s a cats favorite soda","Meowtain Dew" +"A horse walks into a bar","That’s gonna be a ten-point deduction" +"To the guy who invited zero. Thanks for nothing. EDIT","To the guy who invented zero xD" +"Just wanted to say how much. I love telling dad jokes","Unfortunately though he never laughs" +"My dad keeps arching his eyebrows at the end of his jokes","He says it's high-brow humor" +"I got my girlfriend good today (mildly NSFW) So my girlfriend and I were talking about our plans for New Years Eve, and she sarcastically said, We're going to have sex and we're both going to finish right as the new year hits","So I said back I guess we'll call it 'the stroke of midnight" +"Why do people pay money to see. Imagine dragons","When all you have to do is imagine dragons for free" +"Breaking news: An entire shipment of Viagra has been stolen","The polices are looking for a gang of hardened criminals" +"In Heinz-site, I might be sleeping on the couch tonight. While traveling home from our vacation, we seen a big-rig pass up a truck full of tomatoes. My wife said I guess that big rig was in a hurry if he's passing up slow traffic. I replied, I'm sure the little truck will. Ketchup. I'm still chuckling, she's still groaning","My son is wondering whether or not he was adopted" +"As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said","You know, one would have been enough" +"What’s the Devil’s favorite spice. Cinnamon. (Sin-a-man) Fiancée told me she thought my joke was funny","Hopefully y’all do as well" +"I was up all night wondering where the time went","and then it dawned on me" +"Mom got dadjoked at dinner tonight Mom: Where is the salt","Step-dad: In the shaker I erupt in laughter" +"Bag of Apples This happened a few years ago. My wife and I went apple picking and came back with a huge bag. We left it sitting on a bench in our kitchen. After it being there for a few hours it suddenly fell over, spilling apples all over the floor. In a split second I yelled “Oh no. An apple-anche. ” My wife rolled her eyes at me","I still laugh thinking about it" +"Got hired at a gym recently as a personal trainer but it wasn't working out","I had to put in my too weak notice" +"What type of bagel can fly","A plain bagel" +"Condoleezza Rice is retiring from public life and is downsizing","From now on, she will be known as Apartmentleezza Rice" +"Why did the scarecrow win an award","He was outstanding in his field" +"Got my wife with this one a couple months ago sitting at a restaurant waiting for food, I was discussing the recent announcement that Nasa was proof of concepting a star trek style ftl drive Wife: ugh I don't want to hear about how the engine works. Me: Why not. It's physics. Wife: Nobody cares about physics right now","Me: They should, it makes the world go round" +"Meeting my dad's expectations I was unloading the dishwasher in the kitchen when my dad came in off the back deck. I felt a tap, heard a small crash, and turned around to see my dad holding a collapsed measuring tape from across the room. He said, Congratulations, Beth. You measure up",", reeled the tape in, and walked off" +"I don't always tell dad jokes","Because he says I'm not funny" +"I was on a Vodka diet once","I lost 3 days" +"Stable relationships","are for horses" +"Did you know the first french fries where not made in france","They where made in greece" +"So we came home yesterday only to find that someone broke into our house. Looking around, it seemed like they didn't really take a whole lot. Our TV was still there, the kids PS4, and legos were fine. But the house was dark, even when we tried to turn on the lights. Seems the only thing that was taken were our light bulbs and a couple lamps","we were delighted" +"Four year old daughter just dropped this one on me What do roads eat","Traffic jam" +"I used to have a fear of warts","But now they've grown on me" +"I needed a password 8 characters long. So. I picked. Snow. White and the. Seven","Dwarfs" +"I once ate two strings, then when I pooped, they were tied together","I shit you knot" +"Why don't pharaohs tell dad jokes","They're all mummies" +"If there are security guards outside of a. Samsung store does that mean they are. Guardians of the","Galaxy?" +"June is over","Julying" +"Drive-by dadjoked at a SWE outreach event A fellow group leader and I were speed copying names of our girls' parents to make the check out process easier later in the day. I told her You're behind. You need to catch up. A random dad walking by simply remarked AND mustard. and continued on","It took me a second, but I laughed hysterically" +"The use of puns here are mediocre at best","It's the sub standard" +"College student makes a great dad joke We were in the car and my friend kept correctly predicting stores that were miles ahead of us. I asked him if he had thought about becoming a psychic","He responded Yeah, it doesn't work out well" +"Mr Barbeque and Miss Chocolate My wife and I were driving through town when we passed a store named Mr Barbeque. I told her that it's a good store, but Mrs Barbeque claims all the credit. After she grumbled for a while, we passed another store just a few blocks away, called Miss Chocolate. I explained that this was Mrs Barbeque's maiden name, she opened it up after she left Mr Barbeque","**It was a very bitter divorce, she lost all the sugar in the settlement**" +"My dad was late for dinner Me: Dad, why were you late for dinner. Dad: I was helping a turtle cross the road and I didn't want to run him over. I guess he was going to the Shell station","😂" +"What's the scariest plant in the forest","bamBOO" +"My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, Do you want me to call.","a TOE TRUCK" +"What time is it. I don't know","it keeps changing" +"What did the buffalo say to his son when he left home","Bison" +"I really don’t understand this concept of gravity. It’s all","Newton me." +"Samuel Clemens had a brother","He was Mark's Twin" +"I thought all the dolphins had died, but then I heard there are a lot of them","I have a renewed sense of porpoise" +"How did the farmer find his daughter","He tractor" +"My boss accused me of stealing, and fired me from my job at the furniture store. But I regret nothing","Sometimes you have to take a stand" +"If you fall, I'll be there","\- Floor" +"You know what makes elevator jokes so funny","They work on so many levels" +"Why did the pen disappear","Because the ink ran out" +"A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing only. Saran-wrap pants. The receptionist takes one look at the man and says: “Well sir,","I can clearly see your nuts.”" +"Who removed my post. http://imgur","com/a/boyJA" +"Somewhere there's a comedian doing a stand-up routine entirely about his own life and it's called his","Selfish Schtick" +"Our cashiers name tag read Hello my name is. Brie","My dad leans over to to me and says I think our checker is a little cheesy" +"There are a lot of things I hate","Like infomercials, but wait, there's more" +"Discussing European vacation options My partner and I are tacking on a few days traveling in Europe prior to an international sales meeting, discussing countries and locations we'd like to visit. How about Switzerland. she says. I'm feeling a little neutral about it","" +"People tell me to put my money where my mouth is and","I can really taste the change." +"What did the television do at the beach. Channel surf","Courtesy of my 6 y/o" +"I was talking to this guy who didn't believe in the. Jewish home land, but. I said it","Israel" +"what's the opposite of disappoint","data point" +"what do you call a canadian who can’t do anything","a cantadian" +"Do you know what. My kids have gotten to saying this a bunch, so now I reply like a dad. Oh ya. We went to the same New Year's party once. Sure. He makes the best crab dip. Big beard. Lousy tipper. The tattoo guy. Biblically. Gave him a 5-star Uber review. He was the best man at my wedding. I think I owe him $20. The bouncer at the club. How do YOU know him. Doesn't he work at the bakery next to PetSmart","I heard he once punched a cop and broke his nose" +"Why do cows wear bells","Because their horns don’t work" +"A tiny hamlet in my county burned down completely because a kid was playing with matches","It takes a child to raze a village" +"I created my own religion","It's a cult classic" +"You really got to hand it to short people","Mainly because they can't reach it themselves" +"I won an award for. Excelling with. Impostor. Syndrome. But. I don't feel like","I deserve it." +"A bunch of fish are in a tank","Unfortunately none of them know how to drive it" +"I spent all morning tying together all my watches into a belt, but I made it too big","It was a huge waist of time" +"What do you call a flying insect that has curly hair","A frizzbee" +"What do you call a magician without magic","Ian" +"What's an ice witch's favorite tool","A cold-ron" +"Kid asked me a question in English about Spanish; I answered in German; he understood. Kid: Is nueve ten","Me: Nein" +"Two. WiFi networks got married","The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was incredible!" +"Did u know you can tell an ants gender by putting it in water. If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats","boy ant" +"What's the opposite of a waterfall","A firefly" +"A big moron and a little moron are sitting on a fence. The big moron falls down. Why didn't the little moron fall down","Because he's a little more on" +"A friend got me with this one she made up today: What did Popeye say at the end of the poetry slam. I'VE HAD ALL I CAN STANZA AND CAN'T STANZA NO MORE","" +"How much do depleted batteries cost","They're free of charge" +"The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick","She still isn't talking to me" +"My pissed off neighbour told me he wanted to throw me in a deep hole full of water","But I know he means well" +"There are two kinds of people in the world","Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data" +"Working at an unemployment agency must be a tense job","Because if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day." +"What do ghosts do to avoid dying in car crashes","They buckle their sheet belts" +"Did you hear about the amoeba that took its own picture","It was a cell-fie" +"Why do fish do bad in school","They are bellow the C level" +"Where are all these great dad jokes stored . At the dadabase","(But for real, I have quite the dadabase at my profile)" +"Our local politician just opened a neighborhood pharmacy store","He is now a piller of the community" +"Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii","Or just a low ha" +"What do you call a bear without teeth","A gummy bear 🐻" +"My Daughters Have Tom Clancy Themed Rap Names I have two daughters, Claire (5) and Maren (1. When they were born, one of my first duties as dad was to give them rap names. After much brainstorming and deliberation I chose Claire and Present Danger and then to keep with theme, Mare Force One","Could I have done better" +"What do you call a bear with no teeth","A Gummy Bear" +"Dadjoked by my little brother Me: If you don't shut up, I'll kill you with my bare hands","Him: You don't have bare hands, you have human hands" +"My wife said, Did you know a bunch of cows lying down means it's going to rain","I replied, Their legs must get really tired during a drought" +"My dad said not to name my band 999. Megabytes. When. I asked why, he said","I wouldn’t get gig" +"What do you call a sleep walking nun","A Roamin’ Catholic" +"My sister called my dad today to ask if there’s any history of glaucoma on his side of the family","My dad: “None that I’ve seen" +"I ended my call to my friend saying I hope you come naked. Clearly taken back, he said, WHAT DID YOU SAY. I replied I said 'I hope you can make it' Real talk, I do this all the time. What are some other similar phrases I can say to people",":D" +"How do you know if an ant is male or female","They are all female or they'd be uncles" +"So my mom was mailing out a $150 cheque for a wedding gift","Mom: This cheque is too big to fit in the envelope Dad: Why don't you just make it out for $100 then" +"Prime example of a dad joke My sister's conversation with my dad about where to go to college. Oh God, that's way too far from home. - sister How many times do I have to tell you","Don't call me God in public" +"When she saw her first strands of gray hair","She thought she would dye" +"I was in a meeting with five executives from Tencent","It felt like I was speaking to 50 Cent" +"Nobody is talking about Elon Musk's tunnel digging enterprise, The Boring Company","It's not very interesting" +"Did you hear about the house the lesbians built","It's all tongue in groove not a stud in sight" +"Dad jokes my mother today. So my mum has a friend who's name is. Iris and my mum was talking about how","Iris forgot to buy tickets for something, of which i follow up with: well that's very iris-ponsible of her, groaning commenced" +"A Grasshopper goes into a bar He orders a beer. The bartender says hey, we have a drink named after you","The grasshopper says you have a drink named Gus" +"NASA was having a debate over the Sun’s size","It got very heated" +"Why didn't the motorcycle make the trip","Because it was two tired" +"I like women with brown eyes","But irispect all eye colors" +"[national dad conference]. Speaker:. I'm glad you could all make it. Whole crowd: *in unison* hi glad you could all make it. We're dad. Speaker: *Puts up a pic of","ID on big screen showing legal name is glad you could all make it * *entire conference loses their shit*" +"Everyone should get a savings account with $1 in it","It just makes cents" +"Who led the Jewish people through a semi permeable membrane","Os-Moses" +"If you witness a robbery at an Apple Store","does that make you an iWitness" +"Dad, I'm thirsty. And I'm Friday","Dammit, dad" +"What's a ducks favorite snack food","Quackers" +"Capitalization can completely change your sentence. Example: I like to eat candy","I like to eat capitalization" +"I asked my cat what religion he is","Response: catlick" +"How did I not see that one coming. Me: The cat has something on its belly. Feels like a lump. We should take her in for an MRI. Dad: . you mean a cat scan","UUUUUUGH" +"You know why they call it CBS","Because that is all you see, BS" +"What type of cruel individual would cut off a person's hair, throw it away and then to add insult to injury, take their money afterwards","Such a practice sounds barbarous to me" +"With all the negativity on reddit lately, I'd like to share this positive post I saw. https://i. imgur. com/c5MhLLH","jpg" +"How do you know a clock is still hungry","It goes back four seconds" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When the punchline becomes apparent" +"I found a hole in my wall that I didn't know existed Me: I never knew that hole was there My Dad: where did you think it was","I then proceeded to laugh way too much" +"What is Homer Simpson's favorite snack","D'oh nuts" +"Where do magicians get quarters","Cashiers" +"A bear walks into a bar He walks up to the bartender who asks him what he wants. I'll take a nice cold . beer. The bartender says Sure thing but what's with the big pause","Im a bear" +"I just got a new job at a prison library","It has its prose and cons" +"Back in the day, everyone owned a horse, but it was the rich that had cars. Now, everyone owns cars and it’s the rich that have horses","The stables have turned" +"I once saw a shady man put a bluntbin a box. When. I asked him about it he replied,","I'm casing the joint." +"Why can't you hang a man with a wooden leg","Because it won't go round his neck" +"I asked my friend what he was having for dinner He said my roommate is making me chilli I swiftly replied oh, has she turned the heating off","This sub has ruined me" +"Why should china have a base ball team","Because they can take down the whole world with one bat" +"I dad joked my co-workers I work at a catholic hospital and they were handing out a book called Bless You","I asked if it was a hospital guide to sneezing one secretary laughed and everyone else groaned" +"Having a duck orgy at my house","If anyone wants to come on down" +"what is a","German cookie's greeting gluten-tag" +"Girlfriend, trying to remove smudges from her glasses","Ugh my right eye is blurry No, honey, I can see it just fine" +"My 3 year old daughter asked if. I could put her shoes on. I told her","I dont think they will fit." +"What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over","Doughnuts" +"Dad joke courtesy of my roommate and her boyfriend My roommate was coughing and her boyfriend asked if she was sick. She said no, she was just coughy. Boyfriend said he thought she was more of a tea person","I'm so proud because I'm usually the one with the Dad jokes around here" +"So my daughter brought home a pizza for dinner last night. I asked her was this from that new place, Myreka. She responded No, it's called Eureka . I replied That's what I said, Myreka","She slapped my arm a couple of times, but it was worth it" +"My dad getting his money's worth from that Photoshop class. http://imgur","com/1rAC8h5" +"What do you call somebody with no body and no nose","Nobody knows" +"Why wasn’t the customer satisfied with the Velcro they just bought","It was a total rip-off" +"What did the Spanish boy say to his dad when he left for work","Ciudad" +"I don't think men and women can be equal","There's a *vas deferens* between them" +"Why does Waldo wear striped shirts","He doesn't want to be spotted" +"I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad","That fly didn’t stand a chance" +"What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants","One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean" +"Good romance starts with a good friendship","Bad romance on the other hand starts with Ra Ra Ah Ah Ah Ro Ma Ro Ma Ma Ga Ga Ohh La La" +"Jam is made of sticks Was walking round a public park today with the family, and the where these big doughnut shaped bushes. I told my 8 daughter they are full of jam. Her: Don't be stupid, they are full of sticks. Me: But what is jam like when you get it on your fingers. Her: it's sticky. grrrrr < KICK > Me: Owch","< lol >" +"I'm sexually attracted to pasta. I know it's weird but","I can't control my fetishinne" +"It takes me 10 minutes to walk to the bar, but an hour to walk home","The difference is staggering" +"I am not a dad. But I do joke like one. I work in an area with a very large Hasidic Jewish population. I was asked why they cut their hair everywhere other than near their ears","My response: They consider the temples sacred" +"Why do deep sea divers fall backward from a boat when entering the water","If they went forward they'd end up back in the boat" +"Why did the elf call the plumber","Because he clogged the toilet" +"I always wanted to be a. Gregorian. Monk but","I never got the chants." +"What did the 8 say to the 3","Oh my god, what happened" +"What is the plural name of a Calzone","Calztwo" +"What do you call a cow with two legs, and other cow jokes. Lean Beef. What do you call a cow with no legs. Ground Beef Why didn't the pregnant cow want to take aerobics. She didn't want to sprain her calf. What do you call a cow that just gave birth. de-calf-inated Why do cows wear bells","because their horns don't work" +"One of my first. Any good. Me: I think we should introduce to kitten to the outdoors. Mom: Yeah sure. Just let him out. Me: Well we can't just let him roam around. Mom: Yeah well make sure he has supervision. Me: Of course. X-ray at least","Mom: *sigh*" +"What did one casket say to the other casket","Why you coffin" +"What do you say to your dad who is on the roof when the ladder falls. don't worry dad. I wont let you down","" +"I would tell a joke about a group of cows","But you've herd that before" +"Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs","Turned out to be a dyer wolf" +"Can't stop me Context: I'm homeschooled and a Boy Scout, there's a campout in the next few weeks we can take our bikes to I'm Skyping with my grandma who lives several hours away from me and my brother is up there visiting, and he said I can't borrow his bike. I told him I wasn't anyways, it doesn't have brakes. and a few seconds later I said So I guess there's nothing you can do to stop me","We all laughed and there was a groan" +"I really enjoy my job as a claymation model designer","I make six figures a year" +"If a group of geese is called a gaggle, shouldn't a group of squirrels be called a squiggle","A squiggle of squirrels" +"Fiance and I walk into Target He runs ahead of me, stops, turns around, and stands there waiting for me to catch up. I just got a great preview. of you walking down the aisle to me","Gonna make a great dad someday" +"Why did Waldo wear stripes","Cause he didn't want to be spotted" +"I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage","The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity" +"If you don't pay for your exorcism","Do you get repossessed" +"What do you call a stoner that is full of himself. A crock pot","He's always at least half baked" +"I was out walking the dogs this morning and someone asked me if they were jack. Russels. And","I said “No they’re mine”" +"How are German pancakes different than regular ones. Live in a small college apartment. I was making German pancakes when","Roommate: How are german pancakes different than regular pancakes Me: They have fuhrer calories" +"Shopping for wedding rings last night, I showed promise for our future together. We were looking at alternative metals, and we both agreed that the meteorite ring was not only the coolest looking in general, but the fact that it came from space made it a clear winner. Her: Maybe I should get meteorite in my wedding band too so we can match. Me: So you know what this means","It means that our love is out of this world" +"Our waiter earned a nice tip. I was visibly tired and struggling to even get through the menu when I asked for his suggestion","Waiter: Might I suggest the Filet Migyawn I returned with an immediate fist bump and thanked him for his masterpiece" +"Why do mermaids wear seashells","Because the B shells are too small and the D shells are too big" +"Giraffes have something that no other animals in the animal kingdom have. Do you know what that is","Baby Giraffes" +"My dad on me finding a. Spanish boyfriend. I live in. Spain at the moment but. I'm home for the week and my gran asked me if. I'd found a","Spanish matador and my dad replied no, but she's found a mat for her door." +"My friend started carrying a knife since an attempted mugging a few years ago","Now his attempts are a lot more successful" +"I dad joked my hallmates we were in the library and my friend was explaining something to me. we were drinking out of the same water bottle. As he set down the water bottle he asked me something alond the lines of Are you getting this","as I reached down to grab it, I smiled and said Yeah man, I'm really picking up what you're putting down All 4 of the people at the table just groaned" +"theres 2 ways to get onto the roof of your house a rope or a structure of steep steps","i think the easier one is the ladder of the 2" +"What did Earth say to the other planets","You guys have no life" +"What do you say to your sister when she’s crying","Are you having a crisis?" +"Dad got me when I gave myself a minor cooking injury. I was grating Parmesan cheese and caught my skin on the grater,and as it happened my dad was passing through the kitchen","Hey Dad, could you grab me a bandage from the bathroom, I grated myself a tiny bit Well, that's not grate" +"Trying to lighten up the mood at the DMV. I was registering a vehicle to my name that I bought off a guy who had a lean out on it. The credit union who was holding the title took forever and a day to send it my way. Well in California, you need to transfer the vehicle in under five days of the purchase. Unknowingly, I waltz into the joint expecting a boom bam thank you ma'am process. Low and behold the clerk says I owe a hundred and some odd bucks for being late, but I explained her the situation and since it was not my fault she flopped the form to waive this fee. I saw my opportunity and I pounced. So this is the. Tidal Wave. I get a blank stare for a solid ten seconds and she slaps down another form saying that I owe 500 dollars in taxes","Good ol' California DMV" +"Son: Mom, Dad, I'm gay. Mom: *Stares at Dad* Dad: Clenches fist Mom: Don't. Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom:","Dad: HI GAY, I'M DAD" +"I just saw my wife trip over and drop the basket of clothes she just ironed","I watched it all unfold" +"What do you call an elk whose legs are shorter on the left than the right","Moose-a-leany" +"My dad made his first dad joke in a long time For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said “well then we’ll just have to raise some chickens. ” I reply, “well what about Max. ”, implying that he might attack the chickens","And without hesitation my dad replies, “well he can’t lay eggs”" +"Husband got me good going to The Container Store He's a big fan of storage containers. As we were parking, he asked me if we were close to the store. I said yes and pointed at it. He yells back I'm so excited, I can hardly contain myself. Sigh","He's great" +"Got dadjoked by my P. E teacher Me: What are we playing after Volleyball. P. E Teacher: Badminton Me: And after that. P. E Teacher: Goodminton I love my P","E Teacher" +"Did you hear about the meteorologist who broke their arms and legs","They have four casts for the next few months" +"What do you call an edgy Italian neighbourhood","The Spa-Ghetto" +"A lot of people were upset when they heard Kaitlyn Jenner was going. to be in the next Wolverine movie","But it makes sense to me considering she’s already an X-MAN" +"I now identify as a can of deodorant And before you ask","Yes, I'm Sure" +"Co-worker got me this morning Me: i finally got the outside shell done for my storage unit, now I just need to do lay the floor frame before it gets too cold. Him: So would you say you're on shed-ule","Me: *stares back in disbelief and anger*" +"A hole was discovered in the wall of a nudist colony","The cops are looking into it" +"Wife Can't Find Her Phone Her: Honey, do you know what I did with my phone","Me: Lost it" +"You know what color is easier to lift than blue","Light blue" +"Slipped a dad joke in after grocery shopping. Wife and I came back from the grocery store . Started putting things in there place when the wife says. Wow I didn't realize how much Chinese food we bought. I swing around and say","Yeah we did China go crazy" +"What do an agreeable Frenchman and a dog with a bladder problem have in common","They’re both going wee wee everywhere" +"How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb. One, or two","One, or two" +"How do you tell if a DNA stand is a boy or a girl","You unzip its genes" +"The teaching assistant for our class didn't show up the day after injuring his foot","Our professor told us he had a lame excuse" +"Celebrated passing my certification exams. http://i. imgur. com/3jYfmdE","jpg" +"I've decided to unsubscribe from this sub as it just isn't my Thing anymore. This is my [Thing](https://i. imgur. com/0lk20mE. jpg) now. Admit it, you were expecting a picture of [my junk](https://i. imgur. com/6s28BwG","jpg) weren't you" +"Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water","I was like well damn." +"What do you call a pigment deficient friend who knows where you were at the time of the murder","An alibino" +"My 7 Year Old is starting early (so proud) My son to his friend hi. Friend hey. My son hay is for horses. Friend . Silence Me","Proud smile and suppressed laughter" +"My grandpa asked me if I wanted to see a pic of his pride and joy. And then pulled this out of his wallet https://m. imgur","com/rATUgAU" +"So a friend of mine recently asked me where to find love. I told her: Personally, I look in shoes","It's where I found my solemate" +"Did you hear about the Mexican magician. He said “for my next trick, I will disappear on the count of three","Uno, dos -” but then he vanished without a tres" +"To all the dads out there who are struggling. Hi struggling,","I'm dad." +"Some people don't like Opthalmology","Like eye Care" +"I will literally never make a dad joke this clever. My dad and I were walking through a parking lot when I saw a piece of string hanging from the ceiling. Being silly, I told him Hey watch out, there's a piece of string. So my dad, confused, asks Why should I be careful of a piece of string. and I answer I don't know, maybe you're afraid of string His face lit up and he answered I'm a frayed knot","I give up" +"I told my girlfriend that we have to have a melon wedding. Her: What","Me: We cantaloupe" +"My dad with my cousin for Thanksgiving Cousin flew in from LA to Michigan and we haven't seen him in 3 years. We are all Korean and my dad has a very thick Korean accent. Dad: Does your eye hurt. Cousin: No why. Dad: Long time no see","Cousin: ugh" +"How did mary and. Joseph know that jesus weighed 7 pounds and six ounces","They had a weigh in a manger" +"What did the dog say when he walked on sand paper. Rough. Rough","Rough" +"You know what makes me me smile","My facial muscles" +"When I got ready to make the coffee this morning, I asked my wife if she wanted some - I told her that I didn't want a brewhaha","She laughed, so I guess I got one anyway" +"Why did the big bird feel left out","Because he was ostrich sized" +"FYI, If your boat turns upside down, you can wear it on your head","\- \- \- Because it's capsized" +"They passed a law banning hindsight. I wish","I knew this beforehand" +"So my dad said what i think must be his first dad joke ever. Me:Hey dad, i need some money to eat tomorrow","Dad:And since when have you been eating money!?" +"Which Spice Girl can carry the most petrol","Geri can" +"What does the queen do whenever she sneezes","She issues a royal pardon" +"I lost 250lbs","Finally broke up with my girlfriend" +"Whistling with my dad in the car: I wistle a random tune, Dad: Hey. I know that song. me: You do. I'm confused because it was just a random tune","dad: yea, it's the one that sounds like this *wistles the same tune*" +"I was going to tell my wife a sodium joke","but I thought, Na she won't get it" +"What happens when a marsupial breaks the law","They go before a kangaroo court" +"What is the opposite of an actor","A realtor" +"I think there's something wrong with my lamp. It's a little light-headed","Anyone have any bright ideas" +"You should never fart on an elevator","It's wrong on so many levels" +"Dad just came out with this one as we're working. Dad: Have you been to a duckdo. Barry: What's a duckdo","Dad: Quack quack" +"I just lost 20% of my couch","Ouch" +"After the earthquake, what did the gangster say when the apartment complex fell on him","Get off me homes" +"Me and my date got tired of eating in dark restaurants, the food isn't even that great","Today we ate the dinner with delight." +"Whoever named Antarctica was an idiot. There's like no ants there","At all" +"What does a soup wear while committing a crime","A bisquise" +"My dad and I talked about the football game in the pub","'They'd do better playing in a field,' he suggested" +"My neighbor was arrested because the cops caught him hiding cocaine up his butt","They charged him with possession of crack cocaine" +"Cashier: Would you like your receipt today","Me: No thanks, tomorrow’s fine" +"Told my daughter No to something, she replies with but daaaaadddd I wanna know whyyyyy. My response: Well I want to know W, but we can't meet all the letters we want now can we. Daughter: (angry and annoyed tone) That's NOT funny dad","My wife got a chuckle out of it" +"My dad got me and my girlfriend good Dad was driving us to his place, and we were talking about games. Girlfriend mentions Blizzard. Dad: Which one is Blizzard. Girlfriend: The guys that make World of Warcraft. Dad: Huh. I thought they were the guys that made the ice","Goddammits were all around" +"Why is your nose in the middle of your face","Because it’s the scenter" +"If I make any more jokes about spreadsheets","I'll be locked in a cell" +"Thought of this one today. Eager to test it out. Report back with your findings, dads","Next time someone says same old, same old i am going to respond with mold mold" +"Just say meow. How my dad used to wake us up. I can't wait to torture my kids this way. Dad: wake up, its time for school. Me: 5 more minutes. Dad: oh you want a cat nap. Say 'meow' Me: nooooo ughhh Dad: I'm not Noah. But didn't he build an ark. Me: dad go away. Dad: but I already know what I weigh. Me: dad pleaaase Dad: police. Where. Me: dad leave me alone. Dad: a loan. Okay how much do you need. Me: dad stop. Dad: just say meow","Me: meow" +"Time flies like an arrow","Fruit flies like a bannana" +"What do kids in Azerbaijan do after summer","They go Baku to school" +"When my dad turned 50, he suddenly quit his job and started delivering babies","It was a mid-wife crisis" +"My friends have always called me dad because it rhymes with my name. I'm just trying to live up to it. Co-worker had just returned from buying me a pack of smokes and hands me the change, which I tell him he can keep. Coworker: WOW. A whole six cents. Now I can feed my family. /s Me: No, now you can see dead people","Queue eye rolling and stares from customers" +"A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. The bartender asks “Do you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants","” The pirate replies, “ Arrrgh, it’s drivin’ me nuts" +"So my dad came up with this one at the gym yesterday So I have a buddy that works out around the same times as my dad during the week. When this guy works out he always has a superhero under armor shirt on, usually spiderman it something similar. My dad asked what hero he is today, he replied I'm Thor","To which my dad said well maybe if you thretched more you wouldn't be tho Thor" +"Why was 6 afraid of 7","Because 7 was a registered 6 offender" +"When I tell a joke, people always stop me before I get to the end of the punch line","All I want is a drink" +"What is Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination","HAAAAAAND EYEEEEEEEE" +"Two fish are in a tank","One says to the other: Do you know how to drive this thing" +"Why did the scarecrow win an award","Because he was outstanding in his field" +"Me: That's a big beetle. Dad: Is it a Liverpool Beetle. Me: I don't know. what do they look like. Dad: When they're young they have long shaggy black hair and wear a suit. When they get older they look like hippies but vary","Me: Just stop, dad" +"Just because you’re trash doesn’t mean you can’t do great things","It’s called garbage can, not garbage cannot." +"How does the moon cut his hair","Eclipse it" +"Dad called and told me you know how you're always picking on my about eating German sausages. I said yes what about it","I'm the wurst ain't I" +"I tried that tape measure joke. I had my parents over. We were in my basement putting in new appliances. Inspired by this sub's all-time top post, I grabbed my dad's tape measure and started poking him with it. Did you actually need that for anything. No, I'm just trying to measure your patience. My patience. I'm not even a doctor","Learned my lesson" +"Awwwwwww","Snap your seat belt" +"Me:. I'm scared of the backstreet boys. Therapist: tell me why","Me:*SCREAMS*" +"Did you know beer makes you smarter","It made Bud wiser" +"I like my underwear the same way i like dance competitions","With lots of ballroom" +"Every time someone orders a bacon gouda sandwich. Every time someone orders a bacon gouda sandwich at my job, I always hand it off to the customer saying Have a gouda day","All of my coworkers groan but the customers die laughing and that's all that matters :-)" +"Where do pirate captains keep their buccaneers","Under their buccan hats" +"Every year my town has a 4th of July track meet during the day, and any age can compete. My geologist dad, heavy set and not ready to compete, entered the mile and obviously did poorly, but he crossed the finish line, gave me a shit-eating grin and said:","gneiss guys finish last" +"Instant message conversation with coworkers In chat with my project manager: PM: Yeah, here's a beneficial time for us to be stagged Me: indeed PM: That should read staggered, though Me: we are on the horns of a dilemma Me: oh deer, that was a lame pun Me: i should just buck the trend of bad humor Me: doe. i did it again PM:","Then I pasted the above conversation to another coworker: Coworker: ha well plaid Coworker: i meant played Me: it really was a clash of the tartans" +"Whenever I try to sharpen this pencil it breaks","What's the point" +"Who do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have a crush on","April, you fools" +"How often do two planes crash in to each other","just once" +"I'll never understand how Americans use cheese from tubes or slices as everyday food","We should definitely make America grate again" +"Dadjoked the wedding photographer. So I'm at a family wedding. The dance floor has been pretty quiet all night. It's getting late and a lot of people left already. For some reason, the DJ brings up YMCA and finally manages to get the remaining people going. By the time the Beejees come on with Stayin' Alive everyone is moving around, myself included, and there's a somewhat big group really going crazy and doing dance moves. The photographer gets real close and starts taking pictures. Then she leans over to me to talk, as I'm dancing with my girlfriend and one of her kids. Photographer: People suddenly really came to life, huh. Me: Yes. This party is really. Staying alive","Her groan was louder than the music" +"What do you call a racist cake","A cake cake cake" +"If it's been raining where you live, watch out for pilgrims. It's that time of year;. April showers bring","Mayflowers" +"I wrote a sequel to the movie Airplane","It never took off, the pilot was terrible." +"My wife said if. I don't get off the computer right now she'll whack me with the keyboard, but. Huur byyym bou by z gfb bfeey jnndtrgg husk hnfddn juyhnb fdsasq wghhng gun the bf","JFG.." +"A giant moth is attacking the police station","We'd better call a SWAT team" +"Why did the scarecrow get an award","Because he was outstanding in his field" +"I was once kidnapped by a group of mimes","They did unspeakable things to me" +"Robin said to Batman the batmobile isn't starting Batman: did you check the battery","Robin: what's a tery" +"Did you hear about the art competition","It ended in a draw" +"Yesterday I won a game at a funfair and, as a prize, they gave me a bottle of Vodka instead of a teddy bear","I see this as an Absolut win" +"There was a Spanish speaking magician, who said he was going to disappear on the count of 3. Uno. Dos","POOF he disappeared without a tres" +"Like Camping I told my dad a snow boarding story just as I finish he hits me with Wow, that sounds like camping","I gave him an odd look In tents Took me a second but I groaned" +"Did you hear about the kid who got hit by a soda can this morning","Luckily it was a soft drink" +"Cold inside. When my child compained the house was cold, i had her stand in the corner for a few moments. When I asked if she was warm yet, she said no, not really. I told her thats odd","the corner is definatley 90 degrees" +"Puns make me numb","but math puns make me number" +"What do you call really small cattle","A Higgs-Bison" +"Managing my kleptomania has always been a challenge","But stealing from this bakery really takes the cake" +"Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves","but I don't like to point fingers" +"What do you call a bear with no teeth","A gummy bear" +"What do you call a overweight physic","A-four-chin-teller" +"My friend's dad just pulled this one on us. So a couple friends and I are watching a movie in one of my friend's basement (The Master of Disguise - Netflix lol). And his dad comes downstairs and in the most intimidating, serious voice says, Nick, what do I do when you do something wrong. The tension in the room skyrockets, and Nick says nonchalantly, Nothing. His dad then slickly replies, I scream. there's ice cream on the table if you want any","Chuckling intensifies" +"I'm a little upset you guys didn't like (and downvoted) my awesome post yesterday. Regardless I'm going to try typing it again","It again" +"What did the bra say to the hat","You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift" +"I ran into my old barber today after going to a different guy for the last few months","He asked me why I’m not coming in to the shop anymore and I said, “You just haven’t been cutting it lately" +"Got dad joked into next week at work I work at a supplement retail store and usually greet people with Hey. How are you today. What brings you in today. and usually people will just tell me what they are looking for. So, I did the same thing to a man ~50 years old today, but instead of the usual response I get, he just responded with My feet. 10/10","Would be dad-joked again" +"Where did Noah keep his bees","In the Ark Hives" +"I tried to make a wooden submarine","It didn't go down so well" +"I don't understand why someone would get an unscented candle","Really, it makes no scents" +"What does William the Conqueror call himself when he's sick","Illiam the Conqueror" +"Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in","It’s currently half empty" +"Why did the butcher stop getting cows from the mountain","Because the steaks were too high" +"Why do all beaches smell like piss","Because the sea wee'd" +"Which rock group has 4 men that won't sing","Mount Rushmore" +"I want to create a Pink Floyd album cover out of cereal","I think I’ll call it the dark side of the spoon" +"I hope to be this dad someday. [Closet](http://www. cheerupemokid","com/comic/closet)" +"I just saw a video of a paralyzed man walking for the first time","It was very moving" +"Today, my wife gave birth to my son while heading to the hospital","We're calling him Carson, I still don't think she knows" +"My 6m son's stinky feet smell like cheese I told my wife he had Chee-toes","(She refuses to acknowledge these anymore, says it only encourages me 😂)" +"Do you know how you can tell Niagara Falls is getting old","It has a receding water line" +"If at first you don't succeed","Don't try skydiving." +"After not exercising for years, I went to a gym and put it on a steep setting","My friend was inclined to say it was a bad idea but I decided what the hill" +"DC movies are not","Marvel-ous" +"How do you make a hormone","Don’t pay her" +"My Ex wife still misses me","*BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER*" +"How do you feel about canned food","Personally, I'd give it an ate out of tin" +"What do you call a sleeping dinosaur","A dinoSNORE" +"How do you drown a hipster","In the main stream" +"Today is a soldier's favorite day","March fourth" +"Did You Hear About The Guy Who Invented The Knock-Knock Joke","He won the no-bell prize" +"My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction","So I packed up my stuff and right" +"Scared of pedophiles","Just grow up" +"A dad died due to us not being able to remember his blood type","As he died, he kept insisting that we “be positive”, but it’s hard without him" +"I just finished reading an article about public displays of American patriotism. It was very impressive. After I was done, I pointed at it and yelled, “You essay","You essay" +"My 3-year-old got me good this morning","He was going in to give his baby sister a kiss, but they've both been sick lately, so I said Just on the forehead, buddy, to which he responded, No, one head" +"There are 2 clear reasons why one should never drink water out of the toilet. Number 1","and Number 2" +"What do you call a beta wolf. A sub-woofer","&#x200B;" +"I met some aliens I couldn't relate too","They weren't very down to earth" +"I donated a camp chair to the orchestra instrument drive","I heard every symphony has a first chair" +"Where does Napoleon keep his armies","In his sleevies" +"If you cloned yourself and put the fetus into your own body","Would the birth be considered self expression?" +"My friend said, “My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement. ” “A cat” I said","“Cats love fish" +"A very elderly gentleman, mid ninety's, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good aftershave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge… Seated at the bar is an elderly lady, mid eighties","The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, So tell me, do I come here often" +"My girlfriend asked her dad what he's up to","He said 6' 1" +"I was doing all the laundry in the house. I walk through the house with 3 empty laundry baskets. Wife: Having fun","Me: Loads" +"My wife's an absolute treasure","By that I mean, you'll need a map and a shovel to find her" +"My friend said to me cleanliness is next to godliness","I said buddy you gotta get a bigger dictionary" +"I want to thank my dad with all my heart","If it wasnt for him, I wouldn't be here now" +"I been waiting all year to post this. This","Forgive me" +"A crisis has developed after a herd of cows ate an entire shipment of edibles","Officials say the steaks have never been higher" +"My paraplegic friend isn't happy with me","Says i'm always pushing him around and talking behind his back." +"I said this one to my wife and almost got slapped What is a Christians favorite workout routine","Crossfit" +"Customer got me good. I'm a bagger at a grocery store that does carry out. Also, this was last summer in the southern US where it's hot as hell. I walked this older fellow out and loaded his groceries in his car and started to walk away when he fished his hand into his pocket, walking after me. He said Can you take tips. No, sir-- Drink plenty of water","Haven't seem him since" +"Joke my teacher used to say when yelling at a student: You're outstanding","Now you're out standing in the principal's office" +"Measuring the speed of bugs is a great way to enhance any enjoyable experience. If you don't believe me","Time flies when you're having fun" +"Did you hear about the dentist who was displeased with all the awards his son was earning","There was major plaque buildup" +"Guys, I really think that /r/dadjokes is getting out of hand. http://i. imgur. com/BRTEE5S","jpg" +"My dad said this gem during dinner. I asked my mom why there were scissors in the fridge and my dad happened to be walking by and stopped and turned his head and said","well thats how you get cold cuts" +"What is a soldier's least favorite day","March 4th" +"My Dad pulled a TWSS. We were at Visionworks yesterday getting my glasses prescription updated, and I was talking to the saleswoman about glasses care. Should I buy one those little frame screwdriver kits. In case my lenses fall out or the frame busts. Well, Laff_Like_Peter, I think that's a bad idea. Those kits are flimsy, and the screw heads break off all the time. Getting your frames adjusted is free if the come in, I wouldn't feel right selling you those useless kits. Come on in if your frames have an accident, I'll give you a good screw . My Dad, who was sitting quietly next to me, pipes up Better be careful with what you say","The saleswoman was mortified" +"What did the musician name his three daughters","Anna 1 Anna 2 Anna 3 - Spicoli's Morning Fiasco" +"My dad saw the Google car. [I couldn't resist](http://i. imgur. com/n1bjV5w","png)" +"My uncle dropped this one during our Christmas party. For context, my grandfather recently had eye surgery and now has to have medical drops applied every few hours. Near the end of the party, my grandma says that it was time to dot his eyes","As soon as that's said, my uncle reminds them not to cross their t's, too" +"Joke from an 11yr old I had a conversation with my friend Grace (11yr) today. G: Josh, what are you going to eat on your flight to Minnesota. Me: *thinks about it* Well. G: A plane bagel","This kid is going places" +"I asked my dad 'What's a palindrome","' He said 'No it's not" +"I told my wife. Donald. Trump reminded me of the. Know-Nothings. She told me he reminded her of the","Wigs." +"I just watched our dog jump in the pool,","He did a “canine” ball" +"As a kid I wanted to be an electrician","My parents said it was just a phase" +"Who will reign north Korea after Kim jong-un","Kim jong-deux" +"What do you call Kentucky mosquito-infested grassland","A conservative vector field Got my calculus professor with this one last year" +"Have you ever smelled mothballs. Yeah. Hasn't everybody. Why do you ask","I was just wondering how you got their legs to spread apart" +"This conversation between my (ex)gf. Long post is long: **Her:** Remember dad's tomato bushes. Well they're attacking. At least one is leaning across the path trying to get at my window. We had the war of the roses, now its time for the attack of the tomatoes. **Me:** I don't remember anything about tomato bushes. From one battle to the next. **Her:** Yep. Lookout tomatoes here comes the chutney recipe. **Me:** I can just imagine a cucumber campaign. Operation onion would be next, which will fail, causing everyone to cry. Dill Day follows, a great success for the allied gardeners. All too soon though, the kamikaze carrots set in, utterly ruining the radish raid. The mushroom maneuver is employed, saving the troops, allowing them to deal the final blow in the asparagus assault. **Her:** Don't forget the pumpkins want to supply ground cover with heavy support. **Me:** Ah yes, the pumpkin paratroopers. **Her:** Thyme is running out. **Me:** Prepare the beetroot bombs. **Her:** Aim for Potato Garden. **Me:** Fire the capsicum. Deploy the celery team. **Her:** Bring in the egg plant division to support the capsicum. **Me:** This is it boys, life or dirt. I want a passionfruit unit to find us a vantage point, and the strawberry unit to surround them. **Her:** We had better bring the lettuce up to date. **Me:** The cabbage are under withering fire, we need support from the raspberry division. The potatoes are mashed, so well need to send the zucchini in their place. **Her:** The zucchini can't take that heavy fire, they'll be grated. Send spinach for some extra iron. The sweet potatoes are digging in at the ridge. **Me:** Prepare the watermelon bomb, we need to finish this. The eggplant were squashed, deploy the broccoli brigade. The beans need to get out of there, or they'll be split. **Her:** Cauliflowers are going in to retrieve the beans. How brave to risk their florets. The corn commandos are deployed, but the artichokes are all out of heart, we need to boost morale. **Me:** The leeks are down. They'll be flattened if we don't do something. Are the spinach still operational. **Her:** Too bad the pepper isn't on our side, they're well seasoned troops. Spinach is a go. Nothing has touched it. **Me:** But wait. We still have the chillies to give them heavy fire. **Her:** And the squashes and peas. **Me:** The ginger is holding it's ground, but it's being cut down by the pineapple. The basil should make things interesting, send them to aid the potatoes. **Her:** The squashes might be able to pull a surprise attack if the peas act as a diversion. Basil is sent, the energy tomatoe is moving forward, good thing the potatoes are there otherwise its attack of the Italian. **Me:** The beans are all strung out, they need something to back them up. Sending the raspberries to replace the peas. **Her:** The turnips are pulling out to make room. **Me:** The avocados seem to be remarkably tough, let's send them in. **Her:** I'm all out of veggies. **Me:** Gather the troops and retreat. **Her:** The tomatoes have agreed to sign the Treaty of Vegi. The rhubarb will preside over the treaty signing. **Me:** Do we trust them to keep their end of the deal, or will they go soft under pressure. **Her:** The avocado's can keep an eye on them, their seeds are tough,","**Me:** Righto, the mulberries are procuring the ink" +"Made my SO groan with this one My SO was telling me about this tree in her neighbor's yard that has little birds fall out of it every year and that they're not able to fend for their selves. The conversation then follows Me: Must be hard for the birds being in a bad school district. Her: What do you mean. Me: The neighborhood has a terrible dropout rate","She: *rolls eyes*" +"I’m so excited that I got my first acting gig as a mime in a silent movie","I’m absolutely speechless" +"How was the camping trip","It was intents" +"Son just knocked the pot pourri down the toilet Now it's poo pourri","I was met with a blank stare." +"How does a T-rex like his steak","Rawr to meteor rawr" +"Grandpa: Don't come in here honey, I just passed a silent one","Grandma: You need a new battery for your hearing aid" +"What kind of bee makes milk","Boobies" +"A limerick. I wrote. A man was once offended. By a pun writing contest he entered. He submitted ten. Sure that he would win","But alas no pun in ten did" +"Someone stole my mood ring","I don’t know how to feel about that" +"Just a warning","If your wife says I'll be back, You saying I'll be front does not get you sexy time" +"What did Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant. Dead ant. Dead ant","Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant" +"Don’t think the girl from take on me should date him","He looks a bit sketchy" +"The artist thought his favorite paint had been stolen","But it was just a pigment of his imagination." +"Bert and Ernie had worked together as morning drivetime radio hosts for 20 years. They'd traded jokes, played pop music, and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work. Now, though, there was silence on the air. Ernie silently reread the fax message from the Department of Defense. As licensed broadcasters they were legally obligated to alert the public, to tell them the nukes were flying and that in a few minutes all the world's troubles would be over. What, though, was the point of that. To torture people with the knowledge of something they couldn't change. Their eyes met and a decision was reached. Bert put on their most requested song, a sugary top 40 tune while Ernie produced a bottle of bourbon from under the desk. As their producer banged on the locked studio door the colleagues toasted the end of a long career. Bert, always the consummate professional, turned away from the window as the first explosion split the distant horizon. He straightened his tie, tucked in his shirt, and brushed his hair back. He would meet his fiery death with dignity. He turned to Ernie and said in a quiet, resigned voice, How do I look, Ernie. Ernie walked slowly over to his friend. He looked into Bert's face and saw the closeness they shared, the strength of their relationship, forged over the years","He took a deep breath and spoke quietly: With your eyes, Bert" +"Blue Belle ice cream makes camo flavor. I asked my daughter can you make me a bowl of the camo ice cream. It's in the freezer, but you might have trouble finding it","She called me cringe-worthy" +"A potato and a sweet potato were at the park. The sweet potato turns to the potato and says: Hey. I just found out I'm related to you","The potato tells him: No, you are not The sweet potato then replies: Yes, I yam" +"From today at a family lunch We were out for my grans birthday with family at a restaurant and my mum, for her starter, had ordered some prawns with a single leaf of lettuce as decoration. As she waits for everyone elses dishes to come she begins eat the lettuce, my dad tells her to mind her manners and wait for everyone else to be served. Once everyone has their order my dad proudly states Lettuce us begin","Being my dad he finds it hilarious and is the only one laughing while everyone else groans and I shake my head knowingly at him to let him he had delivered yet another classic dadjoke" +"Egg yokes. Father: Want to hear some egg **yokes**. Son: Sure. Father: Alright but I might be **hard-boiled** to find and good ones, but I think I can **shell** a couple out. Son: *Groan* Father: Well now that I've **laid** all my cards on the table, I'm going to **chicken** out","Everyone in earshot: *Groans*" +"Storks bring babies, but do you know what type of birds prevent babies","Swallows" +"It's the first day of Autumn so let's make like Humpty Dumpty","And have a great Fall" +"What's the most common type of owl in the UK","The Teat-Owl" +"How do you know pelicans are optimists","If they were pessimists we’d call them pelicants" +"How do you say goodbye to a vampire","So long sucker" +"Being well-endowed is awesome","Everyone else has to walk really far for water" +"Did you hear about the new type of broom","It's sweeping the nation" +"What's it called when a hooker farts","A prosti-toot" +"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather","Not panicking, like his passengers" +"A big moron and a little moron were standing on the edge of a cliff. Who fell off. The big moron","Because the little moron was a little more on" +"If you think it’s cold outside just wait until Dinner","We are having Chicken Burrrrito’s" +"Our sheriff works as a bartender","He serves just ice." +"Do you know what the worst thing about the orange juice industry is","Its all the pressure the oranges are exposed to" +"My girlfriend the social media expert. Girlfriend: I really want to hit 200 followers","Me: Well that's more than a little violent" +"Yo mama is so fat ,she takes selfies in panaromic mode","Until her phone runs out of battery" +"Did you hear about the mathematical breakthrough in algebra","It was on the hypotenews" +"The thief that stole my diary and my book on world religions died today","My thoughts and prayers are now with his family" +"An Old Man Lies dying in 2070. Surrounded by his family. Trying to extract some final wisdoms from him and keep him company in his final days, his son asks What's the part of your life that sticks out to you most Dad. He responds I can perfectly remember my youth. Those summer days fifty years ago seem in my mind to be as clear and perfect as this moment now. His son exclaims Wow, fifty years","Your memory was always so impressive, even in your old age pop But of course his dad says back, hindsight is 2020" +"What do you call a snake that works in the government","A Civil Serpent" +"I called my 89 year old dad today. Happy Father's Day, Dad. How are you. What. HOW ARE YOU. Well, my eyes are worse, my hearing is worse, my mind is a lot worse, but my most important sense is intact. What's that Dad","My sense of humor" +"I knew a guy who dreamt of becoming a gastroenterologist","but when it came time to apply for med school, he didn't have the guts" +"Do you wanna hear a joke about unemployment. Ehh, nevermind","Doesn't work" +"Have you heard the legend of the rival twin brothers who laid the foundations for Google Chrome","Chromulus and Chremus" +"What do you call a Pokémon that needs oil","Squeakachu" +"Dad Joke on /r/news: Russia says Canada weed legalization is a breach of international responsibility Crimia Fucking River [Credit to /u/ for this gem. ](http://reddit","com/r/worldnews/comments/8uag3w/russia_says_canada_weed_legalization_is_a_breach/e1e2rbr)" +"Dad, what's for dinner","Food" +"Be careful when driving this Sunday","it's sinkhole de Mayo" +"What happenes when your can opener breaks","It becomes a can't opener" +"I hate to toot my own horn, but","Traffic is horrible" +"So a friend of mine was saying that her son was too demanding and that he needed to learn the world doesn't revolve around him","I told her that hers does because he's her son and the world revolves around the son" +"It's not even Easter and people already have their Christmas decorations up","Ridiculous" +"My dad and I just pulled off the ultimate dad joke. So, I have this pair of shoes. They started off as wedge heels. One day, I noticed that the heels were coming off, so I took them off. I can still wear the shoes as ballet flats. Anyway, today my dad walks in and picks up one of the heels. Look at the poor little lost sole, he said. I responded with a Dream Theater joke that was also very 'dad': Just send it to the Ministry of Lost Soles. Then, he picked up both of them","At the exact same time, we said, Sole mates" +"When do Mathematicians go to church","Only on Sumdays" +"What'd they call Adolf hitler when he lost his job","Laidoff Hitler" +"My friend is a NASCAR driver. I asked him how his race was today: Was it alright. No","It was all left" +"What does a pirate always offer to bring to a party","Da-balloons" +"Got my wife with this one this morning:. I was making food, beating an egg with a fork and the missus said Add salt in the egg . So. I replied I'm already assaulting the egg","My wife let out an audible groan and left me chuckling in the kitchen." +"I saw people putting notes at the bottom of a telephone pole","I asked them what they were doing and one person said: We are putting comments under this post" +"How come there's no races at the zoo","There's to many cheetahs" +"What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school","**bi**son" +"I taught a wolf to meditate","Now he’s Aware Wolf" +"Why isn't an iPhone charger","called Apple Juice" +"I just left my job, I couldn’t work for him after what he said to me","He said ‘you’re fired’" +"Why don't ants get sick","Because they have little anty bodies" +"People who judge others before they get to know them are the worst","I immediately hate those people as soon as I meet them" +"I'm starting to think I'm gay","I don't know, maybe I'm just not thinking straight" +"My daughter asked me what “inexplicable” means","I said, “It’s hard to explain" +"A man fals in the pool,how does he get out","Wet" +"A good camouflage outfit","Is hard to find..." +"I just read most auto accidents occur within 3 miles from home","That’s it we’re moving" +"This morning. I tried to catch some fog,","Mist." +"Parenting, the Dad-Joke Way. My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up. ” I looked at my daughter and said, “What are you doing with your life. Do you want to be this way forever. It’s time to grow up. ” My wife hasn’t asked me to do anything since","" +"What do you call a computer superhero","A screensaver" +"If Game of Thrones was written by M. Night Shyamalan, what would he have called the White Walkers","Icy Dead People" +"How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony","It’s not hard" +"Did you hear about the guy who lost his entire left side","He's all right now" +"There was a kidnapping at school today","He woke up around 3" +"My son hates that. I’m indecisive","I’m not sure how to feel" +"A Classic Dad Joke My dad texts me late at night: Dad: If there is nobody to hear me make a peanut butter sandwich. Did I really just eat one. Me: Somehow, I think you did. You should have made a green smoothie, like me","Dad: You are a green smoothie" +"All of my friends tell me I exaggerate too much","Well some of them do" +"Overheard this handy-dandy dad joke in the supermarket. I was cruising through the meat section and a nearby married couple were checking out some lamb shoulders that were on special. The mum picks up a roast, inspects it and deposits it in their trolley where she then notices the package had leaked a bit. Oh. She says. I've got a bloody hand","You've always had two bloody hands, jokes the dad" +"I just heard the man who invented autocorrect just died","May he restaurant in peace" +"At the end of a long ride home Me: Kids, do you want to see a magic trick. Them: OK","Me: In a few minutes, I’ll turn the car into a driveway" +"I have a child, so I feel like I qualify. Been chatting with a girl I met online. she never responded late last night and I wake up to this message this morning: Her: Sorry. I fell asleep on you last night. Me: Weird. I didn't even feel you on me. Anndddddd we're still talking","Score" +"I used to hear alot of tree puns Most of them were all bark and no bite, even though they branched out to more deep rooted subjects. Some of the saps had to leave usually. Everyone was oakay in the end though, it left some of us feeling fruity. I was asked how the others were affected, but i told them i wooden know","I bought a wooden tv shortly after but everything was payperview" +"R.I.P boiling water","You will be mist" +"I was recently asked to review a book on dreams","it was a real snoozefest" +"My favorite dad joke, whats brown and sticky","A stick" +"What days am I the proudest of. SON-days","haha love ya, little buddy" +"Why does the navy in Norway put barcodes on the side of their ships","So when they come back, they can Scandinavian" +"What do you call a foul-mouthed dessert","CUSStard" +"Why couldn’t the ghost see his mother and father","They were transparents" +"We just got a new horse and the kids named it Mayo","Sometimes Mayo neighs" +"I wanted a paintball gun for my birthday. (X-Post r/Paintball) http://i. imgur. com/yKA5pG9h","jpg" +"You can buy an Elon Musk flamethrower for $500 Who’s got that much money to burn","Actually from my dad" +"What did one sickly elevator say to another","I think I'm coming down with something" +"Some crocodiles can grow 17-20 ft","But most have 4" +"At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang. ” He said, “Sorry","No time" +"What do you do if you see a spaceman","You park your car, man" +"So, my dad went in for brain surgery today. He had a procedure called DBS (Deep Brain Stimulation) performed which involved two nickel sized holes being drilled into his head that were then covered with caps. What was the first thing he said when he woke up. Zombies are going to be coming after me with straws this year. It made the six hours worth of worrying I did while he was in the operating room seem so incredibly frivolous. he always makes the most emotional situations so lighthearted. I apologize for the formatting/spelling/grammatical errors","I'm posting this from the hospital room and it has been a very, very long day" +"I told my friend she had drawn her eyebrows on too high","she seemed surprised" +"I'm a dad myself, but I'll never surpass the master. Me: Are you excited for your wedding. Dad: Yes. And nervous. Me: Why are you nervous. Dad: Not sure. I think it has something to do with the nervous system. Me:","hilarious" +"Why do golfers wear 2 paris of socks","In case they get a hole in one" +"Owl","An owl attacked my brother where we live and when told my dad said, That owl is a hooligan." +"What does a House wear","A Dress" +"How do you correctly compliment a dad joke","Dads a good joke" +"If x = the main character of a story, how do you determine the position of x","With the exposition" +"I told my friend that she messed up when she drew on her eyebrows","She looked surprised" +"What historical figure is known for saying ehh, good enough","Mediocrates" +"I went camping this weekend","It was in-tents" +"A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally. Are you at peace with God. ” Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof. The light goes on. When I’m done, poof. The light goes off. ” “Wow, that’s incredible. ” the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife. “Bonnie. ” he says. “Larry is doing fine. But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off. ” “Oh sweet Jesus. exclaims Bonnie","“He’s peeing in the refrigerator again" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When the joke becomes apparent" +"Hey dad, why do you go fishing all of the time","Just for the halibut" +"My parents always tell me their world doesn’t revolve around me","I guess that means I’m not actually their sun" +"What do you call a snake that's 3. 14 meters long","A πthon" +"What happened when 30 got hungry","38" +"What kind of bees make milk. Boobies","This from my 6 year old daughter folks" +"I decided to quit my job and become a museum curator, but to be honest. I'm just doing it for the","Monet" +"Girlfriend just got me with this one a few minutes ago. Girlfriend and I are laying in bed, watching a movie. I'm not into the movie, so, in an attempt to get me to watch it, she said, You can play with my boobs if you watch the movie. So, naturally, I put my hand down her shirt and start having fun. I said you could play with my boobs, not my nipples. Your nipples are a part of your boobs. My nipples are a whole other enTITTY","She's gonna make a great dad someday" +"I said to my wife “I hate to tell you this babe, but your bathing suit is too revealing and tight”","She said “then wear your own one then”" +"Daughter: Hey daddy are you hungry. Me: Yeah, why. Her: Hi Hungry, I'm Jayda","Proud father moment" +"Why does the Sun have such a high GPA","It's very bright" +"Best one","Some people call me a plagiarist, their word not mine" +"Girlfriend After Getting Food So my girlfriend and I got food late tonight from Sheetz (we live in PA) because I didn't have any dinner","I said that I shouldn't have gotten that much food and that I was so full, and she looks me in the eye and goes: Are you full of Sheetz" +"I was at a restaurant and said to the waitress ”Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please","” She kicked me out and said “The men I please are none of your business" +"I used to work in a colander factory","That's the hole joke" +"A person went on a low carb diet to lose weight","They said “It’s the keto my success" +"I had a back surgery a while ago","About a weak back" +"Why do cows have hooves instead of feet","Because they lactose" +"I’ve been considering changing professions to become a hitman recently","I hear they make a killing" +"What drink always has a cold","Cough-ee" +"One must have dad jokes ready for every occasion So earlier today I'm at Starbucks at about 5:15 and the Frappuccino Happy Hour had just ended. The person I was with orders a Caramel Frappuccino and once we sit down, she looks over me and says, We should have come before 5. And I replied, Yeah, we should have caramel little earlier","Cue a annoyed groan from her and a smile from me" +"Hear about the guy who took an airline to court when they lost his luggage","He lost his case" +"How can you tell a male chromosome from a female chromosome","Pull down its genes" +"Stuck in traffic. Me: What should we listen to. Boyfriend: how about some traffic jams","lulz were had" +"Gender Neutral Bathroom We are trying to convert a standard restroom in a state-owned building on our campus to be gender neutral. Boss: Unfortunately, state law says we need to get approval from the bathroom folks in the state capital. Me: That could take some time","I hear they are all backed up" +"What do you call a vampire who makes pancakes","Count Spatula" +"We Were Using R , the Software Environment, in my Stats Class Today The professor asked us what a pirate's favourite letter was. We all grudgingly answered R. in unison. NAY, he replied","It's the C" +"Cutting some cheese I was at my grandpa's birthday party and my dad brought some sharp cheddar cheese","My grandpa without hesitation said, This cheese is so sharp, you can use it to cut the rest of it" +"Every time we pull into the drive-thru Hi","I'd like to place an order to go" +"I heard there was a fight at the chip shop last night","A fish got battered" +"Hear about the race between the Yeti and the Sasquatch","The Sasquatch won, by a big foot" +"Got some dark looks at the coffee shop for this one Cashier told me: It's $4. 05","I looked at my watch and said, No, it's 8:45" +"Brother asked me where the jumper cables were","I said probably trying to start some shit" +"The Monkees The Monkees are touring Switzerland and my wife threatened to leave me unless we flew out there to see them. I thought she was joking","Then I saw her face, Now I'm in Geneva" +"How many magicians does it take to pull a rabbit from a hat. Just one. It's a *trick* question. -------------------- [created for my neice & nephew; much giggling + groaning, so","score" +"Being a dentist My boss: I would hate to be a dentist Me: I don't know","All of their patients are laid back" +"Robert De Niro's twin brother discovered. In Brazil","Robert De Janeiro" +"What’s the capital of. Brazil?","B" +"What do you call a pig with three eyes","A Piiig" +"What do you call a fat psychic","A four-chin teller" +"Why are there no good roof jokes","They go right over peoples heads" +"I was born in the morning at 7:11","My parents thought it was pretty cool, but the store clerk wasn't happy about the mess." +"What kind of shorts do clouds wear","Thunderwear" +"To all you idiots out there. Sharks do not swim in schools","They swim in the ocean" +"Do you know anything about binary numbers","Not a bit" +"My wife told me. I needed to stop acting like a flamingo. And that’s when","I put my foot down" +"Not your typical dad joke After my friend had a death in the family I went to my dad and told him that I loved him. He said aw don't worry about me bud then made fake choking sounds and proceeded to lay down on the floor silently","Okay dad" +"Ever go to buy a friend a really nice tea-set","and realize the cost was too steep" +"I tied a computer mouse to my fishing road and it resulted in a highly successful catch","Apparently, the fish love click bait" +"Do you know what the opposite of Manchester United is","Woman breast are divided" +"A lamb, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff","Baa, dum, sss" +"It must be hard being Will","Everyone seems to be able to do things at him" +"My","Bakery burned down and now my business is toast" +"I accidentally cut myself while slicing up a block of cheese","I didn't realize it was Extra Sharp" +"I loudly drank some silver","*Ag ag ag ag ag ag" +"What's the difference between unlawful and illegal. Unlawful is against the law","Illegal is just a sick bird" +"Why did the fugitives go to Canada","Because they had nowhere else Toronto" +"Is your name Winter","because you'll be coming soon" +"What do you call a group of bunnies hopping backwards","A receding hare line" +"You know what sucks about this quarantine","I can only tell inside jokes" +"My wife has a container of all her old bra's","They are in her mammary box" +"I went to a zoo one time","There was only one dog in it It was a real shih tzu" +"As I sashayed around our living room, I shouted out to my family, I'm like the fabric version of King Midas","Everything I touch becomes felt" +"Halloween costumes My daughter wanted to be a farmer for halloween. I told her she should be a zombie farmer . lurch around yelling grains","GRAINS" +"After picking up his grandson my dad says he needs a new butt","This one has a crack in it" +"(Probably a repost) I took all the German contacts off my phone","Now it's Hanz free" +"What do you call a singing Computer","A Dell" +"I've been walking around the house reflecting on my errors Sorry, autocorrect","My *mirrors*" +"I'm like the fabric version of. King. Midas. Everything","I touch becomes felt" +"Sine here. Hi,. Sine","Cosine here" +"Hot Yoga I was driving with my brother and saw a sign advertising 'Hot Yoga' classes. So our conversation went like this: Me: 'Hot Yoga classes. I always wanted to try Yoga. ' Him: 'Yeah, I heard it can be relaxing and good for your flexibility","' Me: 'I wonder if they also have Ugly Yoga classes for us" +"I'll never forget my Granddad's last words before he kicked the bucket. I'll never forget my Granddad's last words before he kicked the bucket","How far do you think I can kick this bucket" +"Got my S/O last night. We were cuddling and I turn away a little bit because it's super hot in her room, but she pulls me back and says come back, I like spooning","My reply: Honey, I like spooning as much as I like forking, but it's just too hot to do either of those things right now" +"Why was the Millennium Falcon easier to fly after the Force Awakens","It was now Hans free" +"Humpty Dumpty must've been a dad","Because he cracks himself up" +"this sub is broken. http://i. imgur. com/WwuN0Ug","jpg" +"What do you call a hundred rabbits in a row running backwards","A receding hare line" +"My best friend has fallen in love with a banana","I don't see the appeal myself." +"Peter Dinklage is a star","A white dwarf, to be precise" +"What is a happy Australian's favourite emoji","🙃" +"Do you know why theres no D in sane","Because D's nuts" +"Icarus and Daedalus, after building wings of wax and feathers, took to the skies. Icarus and Daedalus, after building wings of wax and feathers, took to the skies to escape the labyrinth of the Minoans. But, as the story goes, Icarus flew too close to the sun, and his wings melted. As he dropped from the sky, Icarus said what any sane mortal would: Help, I'm falling. Daedalus turned to his son, and before he could catch him, he uttered Nice to meet you falling","I'm Dad-alus" +"Never trust an atom","They make up everything" +"When. I was a little kid my dad told me he met 3. Doors. Down in a hotel and that their interaction went like this: **3. Doors. Down**: Hey, we're 3. Doors. Down **Dad**: So what,","I'm 2 floors up." +"What's a cannibals favorite kind of noodle","Rawmen" +"Help. There's nobody steering this yacht. Don't worry","It's on yachtopilot" +"I didn't want this I was showing my dad a page from my sketchbook. Dick Cheney made money off the Iraqi war was written next to the drawing. Dad: How did Dick Cheney make money off the Iraqi war. Me: I don't know, it's a meme","Dad: Well, it's a very meme thing to say" +"Dad joked my own dad. I don't think he's ever been more proud. (Parents are moving from Missouri to Texas) **Dad:** Your mom and I made it down here without a hitch. We're pretty wiped out, so we'll probably unpack the trailer in the morning. **Me:** How'd you tow the trailer all the way down there without a hitch","**Dad:** Well played" +"Got the midwife In the delivery suite. Remark that it is frustrating I can't help my missus more. Midwife jokingly tells me she's not sure why I even bothered coming. I reply that if I hadn't we wouldn't be having a baby right now. The midwife hasn't said a word to me since","" +"Today I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to hear a joke about Sodium","She replied with Na" +"My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes","They did unspeakable things to her" +"What do you call a fish with no eye","A fsh" +"If you give. Dwayne. Johnson an athletic slap in the butt","You’re hitting rock bottom" +"I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen","I can feel it" +"So today a clown opened a door for me","That was a very nice jester" +"My buddy founded a canoe business that’s really taking off","I had the same idea, but I missed the boat" +"A detective showed up at my house and asked me where. I was between 5 & 6","I told him kindergarten" +"What did the falafel say when he was sick","I just feel afel" +"My friend asked me at lunch today what the male parallel for misogyny was","I told him, Misterogyny" +"When you can't feel your abdominals it's basically","Absence of your abs' sense" +"Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane","They mostly wrap" +"Foster Daughter shopping for new Bedding My wife and I were foster parents to a teenage girl for a year. She was a very tough kid, but every now and then I could get her rolling with my Dadness. We would be shopping at Target for bedding and I would over emphasize the word sheet when asking questions. Here is how the first time I tried this went. Dad: What kind of Sheet do you want on your bed. Daughter: Maybe some colorful ones. Dad: What about some nice sheet. Daughter : . Dad: You know, like you just can't wait to get that sheet all over your bed. Daughter: Giggles. Dad: Do you want some with puppies on them. Like some nice Dog Sheet. Maybe a turtle or two. Some turtle Sheet. How about some with little baby chick's all over. Chicken Sheet. Daughter: Laughing uncontrollably. Customers staring","" +"Bags My dad just placed a brown paper bag on his head and asked the room, What city am I representing. After several moments of confused looks, he responded with, Baghdad","I've never been more proud of him" +"A piece of rope walks into a bar He asks for a drink, and the bartender responds sorry but we don't serve your kind here. So he calmly walks back outside, ruffles out the top of his head and turns himself around and over then walks back inside and back to the bartender. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and says, aren't you the rope that was just in here a second ago","To which he says no, I'm a frayed knot" +"I've said it before and. I'll say it again","It" +"Y'all hear about the habitual liar who allegedly published a best-seller","Everybody's buying it" +"Got my new workplace pretty good on the first day I just got a job at a power tool and machinery supply store, on my first day (Thursday) I was hanging out around the cash sorting exacto-knives and one of my coworkers is assisting a customer with the purchase of a drill. They're comparing two drills online, one is $149. 99 and the other is $159. Customer: So what is the difference between the two drills. Me: About ten dollars. heh","hehehehehe" +"Fly without wings","If a fly is born without wings, is it just a walk?" +"Dad joked my friend while in a Skype call So we're talking and he sends me a link to the profile of a girl he's been talking to. I look through her pictures to find an overwhelming amount of rock climbing ones. He asks, What do you think","I reply, Well, at least she seems down to earth" +"I was gonna try out archery","But there were too many drawbacks" +"Dad got a new phone number Me: Can you send me something. Dad: Ok. My phone did a notification sound. I pulled out the phone, I got a text from a number that said something . Dad looked at me for a reaction","E: grammar" +"I can't find the time. Oh, it's 4:05","Weird, I couldn't find it a minute ago" +"I'm getting bored of my boomerang collection","But I just can't throw them away" +"Cannibal son, during dinner: Mom, I have to tell you something. I don’t like grandpa","Cannibal mom: Then try the potatoes instead" +"The odds of making the 2016 Summer Olympics","A Brazilian to one" +"Got my fiancée. She is still my fiancée, but it was close. We were driving by a vacant building that used to be a McDonald's. It's been vacant a few months and now there's a big For Lease sign on the property. Her: Looks like they're having trouble renting the McDonald's. Me: Yeah, I heard they had to hire a big realty company. Her: Really. Me: Yeah. Old McDonald's has a firm","The wedding is still on" +"What did the 0 say to the 8","Nice belt" +"Whenever someone goes to the bathroom, my dad says, Mention my name, you'll get a good seat. Just kidding","I never knew my dad" +"Getting addicted to skiing","is a slippery slope" +"My wife told me I never finish my sentences","so I said that it's none of her" +"I just told one to myself and shamefully laughed at it","I bought new laces for my boots and was looking at them and thought those laces really tie the boots together" +"While teaching a new server about pizza topping options . and of course you know why you have to bake jalapeño No why","Because it's a little chilly" +"My main job as a criminal wasn't paying much so. I picked up a 2nd at a bakery. What can. I say,","I knead the dough" +"Wanna know how I burned 2014 calories in just an hour","I left my frozen pizza in the oven for too long" +"Want a piece of advice. Yeah sure dad what is it","Vice" +"Why didn't the border guard allow a llama to enter the country","hisllamaphobia" +"What is a dryers favourite chocolate","Lindt" +"Did you hear about the oyster that over did it on the dance floor","He pulled a mussel" +"How do you steal a coat","You jacket" +"At my school, there's a large lizard that wanders the halls all day","It's a hall monitor" +"How many apples grow on a tree","All of them" +"Awe he looks just like you I thought so too","That's why I stole him from the park" +"Ever dream of a world where desserts are endless","I cannoli imagine" +"Why did the Walrus lick the Envelope","Because he was looking for a good seal" +"I've done some terrible things for money","Like getting up early for work" +"Berry funny My friend: I’ve just eaten 500g of strawberries.   I don't feel so good. Me: would you say you're feeling","seedy" +"Dad joked by geology teacher. Teacher: tomorrow we will be learning about waste management, it's going to be a rubbish lesson","I'm still groning" +"Why was the doctor fired from his job","He didn't treat people well" +"My friend tries to impress women by drawing realistic pictures of the Ford F-150","He’s a pickup artist" +"I heard troops in Afghanistan had trouble counting","Ever since the tally ban" +"What do you call a judge with no fingers","Justice Thumbs" +"A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night","Oof" +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon","Great food, no atmosphere" +"Why do melons have traditional weddings","Because they cantaloupe" +"Have you seen that documentary on orcas","I’ve heard it’s killer" +"While most puns make me feel numb,","Mathematics puns always make me feel number." +"Why are there so few Chinese necromancers","Because two Wongs can't make a wight" +"James was taking a test on state capitals. He knew them all, except for Alaska. He thought to himself, “Come on, James","Juneau this one" +"Another not-so-hot Olympic dad joke Watching beach volleyball the other day. Announcer: It's raining and chilly. Me: No, not Chile, Brazil","Then I had to wait hours for my husband to come home so I could repeat it, because my toddler is too young to get it" +"There was an evil wizard who turned all money into coins","He changed the world" +"What language do geese speak","Portugeese" +"Where do oranges go to school","The Navel Academy" +"Birthday Gathering. It's my birthday and my whole family is here, my dad asked what a certain food was and my mum said this is spelt And my dad just went how's that spelt then","A wave of groans from around the table" +"Did you hear about the man brought in by the Fashion Police","They questioned him over his criminal ties" +"What do call a dinosaur without gold","A dinosr" +"My Daughter Was Not Pleased My family spent an afternoon at Fisherman's Wharf. My daughter and I were taking pictures of the sea lions. Several of them started making noise. So I said to my daughter, The sea lions saw you","They're saying Dork, Dork, Dork" +"20 people a year die from falling in quicksand","Let that sink in" +"I was sad to hear today that Mail Trucks are going extinct","There aren't enough Femail Trucks to sustain the population" +"What's red and smells like blue paint","Red paint" +"I remember the first time I saw a Universal Remote. I thought to myself Well","this changes everything" +"Parallel lines Parallel lines have so much in common","Too bad they'll never meet" +"My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard. Personally,","I'm on the fence" +"Wife walked into the kitchen and caught me jamming out to some music this morning. Her: Why are you playing Air Guitar. Me: Because my air piano is broken","Nailed it" +"Why did Joe work at the shoe store. He did it for the kicks. Edit: Holy cow. 485 upvotes. That's crazy. My cousin (12 years old) suggested that I post this. I come back a few hours later to see that it exploded. Thanks for all the likes. Edit 2: 1200 likes. What. My cousin and I are super excited that his joke got this popular","Thanks" +"My friend. John used to eat lightbulbs","He said they were a light snack" +"How can you tell a pig is good at cards","You can see it on his Porker Face" +"My dad just dropped this gem at his girlfriends birthday party. Dad: Do you know what they call an Italian slum. Everyone: what. Dad: A Spaghetto","He is so proud right now" +"How much does a fax machine weigh","One telegram" +"What is a caterpillar's worst enemy. A dogerpillar. This was a joke from my first book of jokes I received on my 8th birthday","I felt it was appropriate on my cake day" +"Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington","because the horse was too heavy to carry" +"What’s a locksmith’s favorite kind of pasta","Gnocchi" +"Did you hear about the scarecrow that was made an honorary deputy","He's constantly preventing murders" +"Got my wife the other day. Wife: Oh look, a moving sale, we should go see what they have","Me: I only hope we can catch it" +"Over heard my brother and his guitar teacher. Brother: What would happen if Cupid shot an arrow and it hit a mirror and bounced back and hit him","Guitar Teacher: Well he'd have to go to the hospital Not really sure if this counts as a dad joke or an anti joke but I laughed" +"[GOT] What's a Targaryen's favourite breakfast","Aegon toast" +"My dad got solicited by a psychic yesterday","if you were a good psychic you would have known I was going to tell you to fuck off" +"The Oldest Computer It was owned by Adam and Eve","It was an Apple and with one byte everything crashed" +"Her: You got a vasectomy without talking to me. Are you serious","Him: Yes, I’m not kidding you" +"I told my friend a joke about a malfunctioning plane once","it never took off" +"This happened at work today. I work in the IT department of our university. the phone started ringing and the caller was Elsy . When i picked up, it was another person who is trying to reach the manager. The guys at the office asked me Who is it","i answered without even thinking I don't know, but it is definitely someone Elsy I am at home now and i can still hear them groaning" +"Explosion in. Nissan gearbox plant. Apparently, it was raining","Datsun cogs." +"What's the worst part about being short","You're the last one to know when it rains" +"When I was a single man, I had loads of free time","Now that I listen to full albums, I rarely leave the house" +"What would Ben Franklin say if he were alive today","Let me out of this coffin" +"I was trying to come up with jokes about golf","but they were all subpar" +"Explaining my sexuality to dad. (X-post /r/bisexual) http://imgur","com/GJRC5CA Not my post, but too good not to share here" +"To the guy who invented zero","Thanks for nothing." +"Did you hear about the guy who entered a drinking contest","He came in thirst place" +"Saying goodnight. My partners daughter asked me me last night if she could say good night to mommy too. I told mommy two is sleeping","Mommy one would have to do" +"My dad got me while in a restaurant My Dad and I were in a restaurant when he pointed to an aeroplane propellor mounted on the wall. Dad: Do you think it's real. Me: The propellor. Of course","Dad: Oh, I thought it was just a prop" +"I hate russian nesting dolls","They're so full of themself" +"Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon","Because she’ll let it go" +"What do you call a police officer in bed","An undercover cop" +"What kind of clothes do frogs wear","Jumpsuits" +"Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors","Because If it had 4, it would be a chicken sedan" +"What do you call an irrational snake","A πthon" +"Why are cannibals so angry","They're fed up with people" +"weed whacking neighbour My Dad told me his neighbor was weed whacking and ended up snipping off a quarter of his cats tail by mistake","He ended up bringing the cat to Walmart because they are the worlds biggest retailer" +"Have you ever washed your car with your kid","Maybe you should use a sponge" +"Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France","They were cooked in Greece" +"My son the aspiring dad My boyfriend wanted a protein shake and was asked me to make one. I was stalling a little bit and my son piped in You gotta scare her first we said what. That's how you make a shake . I was laughing and so my son decided to keep going. He said How do you make a napkin dance. You put a lil boogie in it at that point I groaned","My boyfriend said Quit while you are ahead my son replied But I'm a body" +"People who cannot distinguish between etymology and entomology","Bug me in ways I cannot put into words" +"What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions","A dog with a bark worse than its bite" +"How did people build the first airplane","The Wright way" +"What did the roadkill say to the pedestrian","Carrion" +"Dadjoked my girlfriend about Disney My girlfriend and I are going to disney next month. While discussing plans she mentioned that everything will be Frozen referring to the movie. I responded really","I thought it was supposed to be 70 out" +"If pelicans weren't so optimistic","we would have to start calling them pelican'ts" +"Dad joke for those long car rides. Us: Are we almost there. Dad: Yup","Put your shoes on, sit by the door" +"I used to hate my haircut. But","I guess you could say it's growing on me" +"I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster","But if anything, it made him more sluggish" +"My dad and sister always use this on me. (Context: I drink a lot of tea) *family member puts kettle on* Me: hey (family member), can you make me a cup of tea please","(Family member): *points magic fingers at me* ZZZAP, you're a cup of tea" +"Deer Dad, it's not funny. I just came home from a deployment and was on r&r. My dad decided to grill out for me on my return, he already had some meat and told me to go pick up some vegetables. Before heading to check out he asks me to run to the meat department. I put it on speakerphone to find out what he needs. Me: I'm here, what do you need. Dad: What's the cheapest meat they have. Me: Probably beef tips or something, do you need some. Dad: Do they have venison balls. I HEAR YOU CAN GET TWO UNDER A BUCK. (A dad pushing a buggy not to far away starts belly laughing, a howl that only gets the nod of disapproval from his wife) Me: Do you even need meat. Dad: No. BUT DO YOU WANT SOMETHING FOR DESERT","(As in not dessert) Me: I'm going to the bar" +"How do you titillate an ocelot","You oscillate its tits a lot" +"My dad never fails to amaze me with these. Last night I was driving home and had a police officer following me. I tried my hardest to go the speed limit. As I was driving, I saw a wild turkey running towards the road. I slammed my breaks but still hit the turkey. The bird flipped over my car and hit the police officer behind me. The cop then turned on his siren and pulled me over","He gave me a ticket for flipping him the bird" +"I asked a pirate where are your buccaneers","He said under my buccanhat" +"You know why I call my toilet jim instead of john","So I can tell people I went to the gym before work" +"You should not date an. American woman if she hangs the flag of. China in her bedroom","That is a big red flag." +"What's Thanos favorite hot drink","A Snappacino" +"Another film has been released about a barrier in India","It's a Sikh wall" +"What rhymes with orange","No, it doesn't" +"What do men in Thailand say when they can’t get girls. “Phuket","I’m just going to Bangkok instead" +"I hate people who take drugs","For example, border security." +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When it becomes apparent" +"What did the Thousand Island say to the refrigerator. Hey, close the door","Can't you see I'm dressing" +"Let me start at the beginning","BANG!!!!!" +"My wife left me because I'm too insecure. Oh wait, she's back","She just went to the kitchen" +"I wanted to become a professional roller-blader","A pizza slicer just wasn’t gonna cut it" +"Me: What's the name of the dessert where you put an espresso over ice cream","Colleague: Affogato Me: Yeah I forgot too, I'm sure there's a name for it" +"I asked my father what his five-year plan was","He told me I do not have 2020 vision." +"What is Darth Vader's wife's name","Ella, Ella Vader" +"Why did the ketchup blush","He saw the salad dressing" +"My friend went on a date with a. Cardio. Nurse","His heart was racing the whole time." +"What's a mountain that no one cares about","The Doesntmatterhorn" +"What do you call a pile of kittens","A meowntain" +"Got a text saying You're up","Replied No, North America" +"Why did Mr. ohm marry Mrs. ohm","Because he couldn’t resistor" +"Do you know why there are fences around graveyards","Because people are dying to get in" +"Dad gets a message on his phone. Dad:. I got a text from your mom, and look it came through on my watch. Son:","Not on my watch" +"Why aren't there banks inside of restaurants","There's no accounting for taste" +"My 5 year old son's knock knock joke Knock knock Who's there. Ice cream soda Ice cream soda who","Ice cream soda whole neighborhood can hear me" +"I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…","which was lucky, because he stepped on a land mine" +"Dads should be kept away from small children","They are a huge joking hazard" +"A hammer","Does that ring a bell" +"How does an astronaut keep warm in the cold vaccume of space","With a space heater" +"Don't use beef stew as your password","Because it's not Stroganoff" +"My wife and I are going to take in a bunch of bananas until we can find them forever homes. We’re going to be bananas foster parents","I found this joke so appealing I had to share it" +"Who is never hungry at Thanksgiving dinner. The turkey","it’s already stuffed" +"Genie: What is your final wish. Boy: I wish I were you","Genue: weurd but alrught" +"Why is Antarctica sad","Because its iceolated" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When it becomes apparent" +"A physics joke. What did the father ball say to his son ball, who was teetering on the edge of a cliff","But son, you have so much potential" +"My dad was cooking chicken noodle soup and it was boiling very rapidly","He looks at the pot and says whoa, simmer down" +"What do you call a witch who only eats sand","Malnourished" +"What phone carrier does a traveling nun use. Virgin Mobile. Why is her cellphone bill so high","Because she's a roamin' Catholic" +"I told my daughter, Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field. She said, What's that got to do with anything","I said That means it's pasture bedtime" +"My friend told another friend that Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock were no longer together","I responded: yeah that was a while ago, he's Adult Rock now" +"Where does Bruce Wayne take baths","In the Bat-Tub" +"What do we want. Low flying airplane noises. When do we want them","NNNEEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWwwwwwwww" +"I'm in love with a piece of fruit","It is the apple of my eye" +"What kind of car would pilgrims drive today","A Plymouth" +"Two dad jokes in 10 seconds My wife is reading a list of potential migraine triggers to me (we're trying to figure out what my triggers are; I'm a recent sufferer). She asks me if I've ever taken an MAOI since, They discovered that people who took them in the 50's have issues with tyramines [a known migraine trigger]. I told her, No, I've never taken one. She asks, Are you sure. I say, I'm sure, plus I wasn't alive in the 50's. *rimshot* I look at my 11 y/o daughter and say, Dad joke. She asks, Did you say Dad joke or bad joke. I respond, Isn't that the same thing","It's good to be king" +"Why doesn't Edward Scissorhands like mice. [xpost /r/jokes] Because he prefers keyboard shortcuts","-Quite proud of this one, my kids didn't get it, but my wife and I had a good laugh" +"Oldie but goodie The scene: Day after Thanksgiving, been browsing black friday deals on my phone all day. Me: Hey, that's cool, they've got Updoc on sale for 15 bucks. Her: Updoc. What's Updoc. Me: Not much, what's up with you","Can't believe I actually pulled it off, she wouldn't speak to me for a good half-hour after that" +"Just made this up: Son, do you know what's my favorite tea flavor","Subtle-tea" +"My friend Will and I were outside at school. when the girls starting piling together dead grass, he said . [ Hay, everybody. ](http://imgur","com/Df586oe) The groaning was unstackable" +"I asked my dad how he liked his new haircut","He said, I didn't like it at first, but it's grown on me" +"I thought my wife was joking when she said she would leave me if I didn't stop singing I'm a believer","Then I saw her face" +"What's the difference between a fox, a deer, and a rabbit","They are different animals" +"Every time dad sees a digital 24 hour clock at quarter past 8 in the evening he says. It's that time of the year again","Roll on 2060" +"Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book","Because they all have phones" +"I used to search for clams on the beach. But then","I pulled a mussel" +"Why don’t seagulls fly around bays","Because then they would be called bagels" +"Me and my dad drive past a cemetery","Dad looks over at me and says People are just dying to get in there." +"Good Old Dad Jokes. “I’ll call you later. ” - “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad","”" +"What are the Lion and witch doing in your wardrobe","It's Narnia business" +"I yelled into a colander yesterday","I strained my voice" +"What is the young snake currently going through","Adderlescence" +"Two guys walk in to a bar","The third one ducks" +"While on the computer the other day My buddy took a piece of string and set it on my head, I asked him can you please not and there the string at him","He said I can knot and proceeded to tie the string" +"“Doc, I feel constopetid. ” Doctor: I think you mean constipated","Man: No, I had a vowel movement" +"Don't mind me, I'm just reposting http://imgur","com/D4zbbcP" +"Guy walks into a book store. Asks the clerk for a book on turtles Clerk: hardback. Guy: yeah, and their little heads pop in and out","Happy Father’s Day to any dads out there" +"I once tried to tickle a unicorn but missed","It was a mystical experience" +"My Dad's response to a GTA pursuit. Mom: He's going so slow, why don't they just pull in front of him. Me: if it's grand theft auto they might be worried he's armed. Dad: Well of course he's armed. Me: How can you be sure","Dad: Well he can't drive with no arms" +"A lady at the bank asked me to check her balance. So","I pushed her over" +"What do you call a mop in space","A vacuum cleaner" +"Why do some kinds of melons never get married","Sometimes they just cantaloupe" +"I was cleaning my house today and I broke my personal record. [I even took a picture](http://www. tattooedmartha. com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/Tattooed-Martha-Broken-Record-Ombre-Wall-Art-7","jpg)" +"I broke my dadjoke cherry at lunch today I'm a fairly new dad and my wife was chopping up walnuts: Me: my respect for walnuts has really changed for the better recently. Wife: (looks at me funny. ) Why. Me: they've really come out of their shell","There was an audible groan and sadly, I had to high five myself" +"Son: Dad, I'm cold. Dad: Then go sit in the corner. Son: Why","Dad: Because it's 90 degrees" +"Do you know how many letters are in the alphabet. 25 during Christmas","Noel" +"I used to have a job as a drill operator","It was well boring" +"Did you ever hear the joke about German sausages","They're the wūrst" +"What do you call a short mexican","A paragraph, because hes too short to be an esse" +"Why did the blind man fall down the well","He couldn't see that well" +"I take viagra for my sunburn","Not because it helps the burn, but keeps the sheets off my legs." +"My kids wouldn’t go to bed the other night","They were resisting arrest" +"What did Princess Peach say to Toad","Hey, you’re a fungi" +"What day of the week does the potato look forward to the least","Fry-day" +"Miner's pickaxe. Every morning an old miner went to work, picked up his pickaxe and didn't think much about it. Years pass, and he just goes to work, takes his pickaxe and never thinks much about it. One morning he goes to work, but his pickaxe isn't there, it's gone. He sighes, and thinks to himself: All these years, I took this pickaxe for granite","-------------- *came up with this yesterday, if you've heard the same pun let me know the context :)*" +"If you die from inhaling muffler fumes","Do you die from exhaustion" +"What do you call a fat psychic","A four-chin teller" +"Why shouldn't your fart in church","Because then you'll have to sit in your own pew" +"My sister has become king of the dad jokes So we're in the car driving to the airport and my dad's talking about his buddy Terry. Terry was in some small movie and my dad was commenting that he played both the referee in a footy game, and then it cut to a shot of the crowd and THERE WAS TERRY. My dad goes I mean, he could have at least put a different shirt on to create the illusion he was someone else. How silly of him. My sister says You should be real careful dad, you shouldn't make fun of him","You can die from dissin' Terry Cue groans and laughter, and my dad conceding the apprentice has surpassed the master" +"Why did the angler bait his hook with uranium","He wanted to go nuclear fission" +"Why did the Dalai Lama go to the casino","Tibet" +"Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool","So, I gave him a glass of water" +"Did you know crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet","But most of then just have 4" +"Two peanuts were walking down the street and one of them got attacked","It was a salted" +"A ninja joke There are two ninjas. The first ninja looks at the second ninja and says Hey, can you hand me that throwing star over there","The second ninja says shuriken" +"Farmer says to his wife, what did you do with the chicken I brought you","Wife: I made the chicken soup” Farmer: What did you make for me" +"picked dad up from the airport. my two-year old daughter was picking her nose in the back seat of the car: Me: Baby. Please stop digging for gold. Dad: Aw, she's a minor. Dad joked before we even started a conversation","" +"Is your bike still for sale. Me: Yes it is. Them: What's the lowest you would go on it. Me: About 2 miles per hour","Anything less and you'd tip over" +"Silent. Violin for. Sale","No strings attached." +"I have to be frank","But iam_larry" +"What does a mother cow have in common with your legs","Calves" +"Dad said this today. What does a billionaire comedian do on Christmas. Me:. Dad: Nothing. He's Jewish","(Referring to Jerry Seinfeld)" +"Whiteboards","Aren't they remarkable" +"I made a song about tortillas","Well actually it’s a wrap" +"Pulled a good one on my girlfriend this morning I woke up to my nose randomly bleeding; it's done that erratically for years now. As I went to grab some tissue, my girlfriend woke up and said Oh, you've got a bloody nose. to which I responded Of course I do - there's no need to swear about it","Groaning ensued" +"A pun walks in and kills 10 people","Pun in, ten dead." +"Went to the store to buy 6 cans of Sprite","Got to the office and realized I picked 7 up" +"Why can’t dinosaurs clap","Cause they’re dead" +"How does a Rabbi make tea","Hebrews it" +"Why was the baker arrested for selling German cake","It was Stollen" +"What do you call it when you buy something on line from the Middle East and get ripped off","&#x200B; E-gypt" +"I pushed a chinese person down a flight of stairs","It was wpng on so many levels" +"What do you call a transformer that corrects peoples vision","Optometrist Prime" +"I went to the seafood disco last night","I pulled a muscle" +"TIL that. Daryl. Hall and. John. Oates started out as long-distance truckers","They were haulin' oats" +"What’s a shark’s favorite meal","Fish & Ships" +"My girlfriend asked me to stop my flamingo impression","I had to put my foot down upon that request" +"A best-selling author","Have you heard of the novel Revenge of the Tiger by Claude Balls" +"A guy tried to tell me the difference between a crow and a raven is that a crow’s call is “caw” and a raven’s call is “nevermore","” He was a Poe source of information" +"What do cats use when they run out of catnip","puuuurcocet" +"Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color","It had a reptile dysfunction" +"Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug","She gave birth in the spring" +"I have an urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight that's always just a whim away","a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away" +"Genie: I grant you three wishes Me: I want a world without lawyers Genie: Done, your three wishes are over Me: I still have two left","Genie: Sue me" +"I signed up for Yoga, and our new instructor is awesome","She really bends over backwards for us" +"I just found out the galaxy's universal currency","Starbucks" +"So My Dad Came Home With The Groceries. And proceeded to grab a cantaloupe out of a bag and enthusiastically put it on the kitchen counter. Then he suddenly proclaimed, Can't elope tonight, Dads got the car. and ran out to the garage","So yeah, my dad bought a cantaloupe then ran to the car just to make a joke about eloping" +"My furniture and I are really close","Me and my recliner go way back" +"What do they call Sea World in Mexico","Yes World" +"Bono and the. Edge walk into a bar. The bartender says “Not","U2 again.”" +"I told my friend, “I have great news. My wife is pregnant. ” Friend: Awesome. Do you know the sex. Me: Of course we know “the sex”","How else is she having a baby" +"Sesame Street Bus A man is a bus driver on Sesame Street and insists on meeting all of his riders. At the first stop, two overweight women got on the bus; both are named Patty. At the next stop, a mentally challenged boy named Ross got on. At the final stop, a disgusting man named Lester Cheese got on, took off his shoes, and picked at his bunions. When the bus driver got home, his wife asked him if he met anyone new that day","He said, Two obese Patties, special Ross; Lester Cheese picks his bunions on a Sesame Street bus" +"Someone offered me a TV for $1, because the volume was stuck at the max","I couldn't turn it down" +"So I went to this concert. Wearing a doctor's mask. When I got there security asked me Why are you wearing that","I told him This show was supposed to be sick" +"Why did the orange go to the doctor. Because she wasn't peeling very well","Note: all credit to my 8 year old son, a dad in the making" +"Grocery stores in. America are going to start selling. Parmesan cheese in chunks. To make","America grate again" +"Which superhero isn't nice","Mean lantern" +"What do you call a flower's offspring","An orkid" +"What do you call a mill thats just ok","A satisfactory" +"So this tailor goes to the bag maker with a problem. That night somebody had broken into his shop and stolen a few very expensive suits, and he wanted the person responsible arrested. He approached the counter, where the owner of the workshop stood. &nbsp; Hi. she said. I'm Emmy, how can I help you today. &nbsp; Well, I have this problem, and I saw online that you could help me for cheap. he responded. My shop was robbed of some of my most expensive suits tonight, and I want your help catching the perpetrator. &nbsp; That's awful, but I am confused as to how I would be of assistance. she said. The tailor was silent for a second, noticeably confused. Before he had a chance to respond she asked, What did you see on our website. &nbsp; Well I didn't actually see it on your website, there was actually this ad that intrigued me. It had big bold letters and read: *For a limited time only, click the link to find the cheapest and best deals","Emmy's Suit cases - Now 50% off" +"Whenever it's a bright, clear day and I go for a walk with my father","without fail, he'll look up to the sky and say, What's up, sun" +"My daughter just called someone a a-hole I chastised her saying, “Where did you learn to talk like that","It’s ‘AN a-hole,”" +"How do you find Will Smith in the snow","Look for fresh prints" +"Why do teddy bears never want to eat","Why they are always stuffed" +"I got my wife yesterday","The wedding and reception were simply beautiful" +"Other animals: Winter is almost here. What are we supposed to do now","Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea" +"What is the difference between a sock and a camera","One can take five-toes and one can take pho-toes" +"A salesman told me I should consider buying a coffin","I said That's the last thing I need" +"My order of a dozen bees came with 13 bees. When","I called customer service about it they said, “ oh that’s just a freebie.”" +"What do you call an Egyptian doctor","A Cairopractor" +"What’s the difference between an elephant and a zippo","Ones heavy, the other ones a little lighter" +"Did you hear the one about the two blood vessels","they loved in vein" +"I got the words jacuzzi and yakuza confused","Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia" +"A dog is wagging its tail","One could say it is mood swings." +"My son said he wants to be an accountant when he grows up","I warned him it’s an accrual, accrual world" +"My brother has more space in his closet Because he came out of it Making this joke from when I learned my brother came out of the closet","Tought maybe it would do good in here" +"What kind of clothes help you find your way home","A dress" +"My favourite memory of grandad I was visiting as a kid, and saw a bumblebee for the first time (which we didn't have where I grew up - just smaller wild bees and honeybees)","When I remarked on how enormous the bees were here, grandad kneeled down with a twinkle in his eye and whispered: You should see the size of the rabbits" +"I pulled my wife's panties to the side","So I could fit the rest of her socks in the drawer" +"Making Dad proud at the barber I was getting my hair cut today and told her how I started blacksmithing this summer and made my own forge. Barber: Oh that's really cool. Me: Actually, it's really hot. *Barber audibly groans","* Thanks for raising me right Dad" +"Why aren't koalas considered bears","Because they have no koalafications" +"Why shouldn't you gamble with a cattle farmer","They are always raising the steaks" +"Why did the skeleton cross the road","To get to the body shop" +"I've always wanted to live in Norway","But I just can't a fjord it" +"Bank teller asked me how I wanted my cash back I told her the paper kind was fine, Then she asked if I wanted it all back in big bills","But I told her the regular sized bills would work just fine" +"What do you call a group of bovine running from their problems","Cow herds" +"Someone keeps on stealing my bowl","They're a cereal thief." +"I don't have a dad bod","I have a father figure" +"A skeleton walks into a bar","He orders a beer and a mop" +"What happens when frogs park illegally","They get toad" +"You don't supercharge a Miata with a leafblower You do it with a hair dryer","Cars guys will get it" +"As a Dad. I'm a real mother fucker","[NSFW] Happy Mother's Day to all you Dads" +"Bullets are odd","They only do their job once they are fired" +"What does Panda use to make pancakes A pan","duh" +"What did the dad buffalo say to the baby buffalo when he left for college","Bison" +"I was hired as a chef at an Indian Restaurant","Before they'd tell me their secret recipes, I had to sign a Naan-Disclosure Agreement" +"How does a duck fart","With it's ass quack" +"what do you call a sleepwalking nun","a Roman Catholic" +"The greatest prank call I ever pulled off I was an ER tech in a fairly busy inner city hospital for a few years. On one unusually slow night, around 3am, I called up to labor and delivery from an outside line. The conversation went like this: Labor and Delivery Nancy speaking Hi I have an unusual problem and I am hoping you can help me. OK what can I do for you. Well a couple weeks ago my wife and I had a baby boy who was born with an extremely rare condition. You see, he was born without eyelids. Oh my goodness. Yes. Well at your hospital there they tried a new experimental treatment. They used the foreskin from his circumcision to create eyelids for him. Have you heard about this procedure. OH MY GOD. No. I haven't. Well everything was going great and he seemed to be healing well but when he woke up this morning, he looked a little cockeyed. . COCKEYED","<click>" +"What did one eye say to the other eye. Between you and me something smells",":)" +"I joined an improv group","I joined an improv group for skits and giggles" +"What do you say when you procrastinate on your math homework","I'll calc-u-later" +"A father, wanting to instil some manliness and maturity in his sons, brings them camping. The only food they get to eat is the food they get from the forest. The dad splits up from the boys in the morning, leaving them the task of getting food for the day. The boys chance upon a patch full of peas - they have enough for all three meals and to pelt each other with. Reuniting at the end of the day, the dad asks how it went. “We played with each other’s peas. ” The little one chimes in. Just a little displeased, dad asks him sternly to clarify. “We gathered peas, he meant. ” Added the middle boy. “Okay, and what did you have for breakfast. ” “Pea soup. ” “Lunch. ” “Pea soup. ” The boys started sniggering. “What’s so funny. And what about dinner. ” “Nothing dad. We had pea soup too. ” “Well, that doesn’t seem like much. What did you do all evening","” Bursting out laughing, they all said: “Pee soup" +"What is brown and sticky","A Stick" +"Me:Dad, did you take a bath today. You smell. Dad: no","Is one missing" +"So my friend asked me where the colored printers in the library where I told him its 2015, segregation is over and he can use whatever printer he wanted","I got the groan and he walked away to ask the librarian" +"What do you do when your kid is treated badly in school","You dad on them haters" +"How do you find Will Smith in the snow","Check for fresh prints" +"I went to the pub with a boxer, but he is such a lightweight","He didn't even last twelve rounds" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When the punch line becomes apparent" +"Just got a job taking care of horses","It's stable work" +"So if matter and anti matter destroy each other","Would you still be hungry after eating pasta and antipasta?" +"A man approached me, touched my shirt and asked “is this felt. ” To which I responded “no”","He replied “it is now”" +"What's the best day to cook","Fry-day :)" +"When my 1st child was born, my father brought a book labeled Dad Jokes v4, to the delivery room. When he handed it to me, I had no idea what to say. Dad. I'm speechless. This means so much to me. Hi speechless","I'm dad" +"Took a girl named Amy on a date to Dave & Buster's. (Dave and Buster's is an arcade) She absolutely beat me at any shooting game we played, as well as basketball. Afterwards I told her, I figured out why you beat me at basketball and those shooting games","I have terrible aim, but you're a little more Amy" +"My friend asked What's the rank above General. I said Specific. Many eyes were rolled. Well, two","Two eyes were rolled" +"Civil War jokes","I don't General Lee find them very funny" +"What did Delaware","New Jersey" +"I have a horse named mayo","Mayo neighs" +"My Wife Could Never Be A Dad I was at the store and asked her via text what kind of chips she preferred between Sour cream and onion or cheddar and sour cream. This is how it all went down: Me: Do you like Sour cream and onion or cheddar and sour cream. Her: Both Me: Pick one. Her: Spur cream and onion Me: is that a new flavor. Sounds spicy. Almost as if it had a pretty good kick. *silence* Me: . Her: Huh","Me: ugh" +"I have a bit of bad news to share about Gandhi. You know he fasted a lot, which made him skinny and frail. He also walked barefoot for most of his life. Spent a lot of time pondering life's imponderable mysteries. Oh, and they say he had bad breath","In other words, I guess Gandhi was a super-fragile calloused mystic suffering halitosis" +"Making Memes at 81 Every time my 81-year-old dad loses his satellite radio signal in his car, he waves his fist in the air and shouts PUTIN STRIKES","I showed him the picture of Rootin Tootin Putin and now he wants it on a t-shirt with that assertion as a caption" +"If you have epilepsy, don't fall into a bowl of lettuce","You'd become a seizure salad" +"My 8 year old cousins best joke yet: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree","Because it was dead" +"Why do cows have hooves instead of feet","Because the lactose" +"What's blue and not heavy at all","Light blue" +"People who wear Santa costumes scare me","I have Claustrophobia" +"Pretty proud of this one. I was at work at an unnamed restaurant with a cow as a mascot. The person who was in the cow suit came back while I was washing dishes and she started taking off the suit, starting with the shirt put on over the cow. Another guy, C, commented on the cow stripping","I replied with, yeah I've seen a chicken strip but I've never seen a cow strip" +"What do you call a dog that is a magician. What do you call a dog that is a magician","A Labara Cadabarador" +"An oracle once told me it was fate that I had banged my leg into a table at school. I guess it was my","Desk to knee" +"I took a picture with my old Polaroid camera","More on this story as it develops" +"I keep trying to come up with good philosophy pun. But. I just","Kant" +"What kind of magic do cows believe in","MOODOO" +"Thanks I'll see myself out. 😎 http://i. imgur. com/Z99bfR6","png" +"Me: r/dadjokes is my new favorite sub","A dad: I prefer an Italian sub" +"Double dad So, my sister is having her final tests on high school (I'm in college and have a really cute son with my girlfried) and got home today with a weird look on her eyes. Me and dad were having some sandwiches and watching The Empire Strikes Back (Star Wars marathon hype. I looked at her and asked what happened, she immediately responded I'm tired as fuck. By that point, I looked at my dad. He was looking at me, with a sparkle on his eyes. We both stood up, walked to her and said together: HELLO TIRED AS FUCK, WE ARE DAD Even my mother started laughing","It was hillarious" +"I went out with my family to a Chinese buffet for Father's Day I saw my mom with a plate of crab legs and asked her Where's the crab","Dad responds with Don't talk about me like that, I'm right here" +"I'm sick of your dishonesty. Want to know where lying gets you","Horizontal" +"What language do oranges speak","Mandarin" +"What do the numbers 3, 9, and 17 have in common","They CAN'T EVEN right now" +"What does a confident kettle have","Self-e-steam" +"How do you make holy water","Boil the hell out of it" +"What do you call a man with no arms no legs and lays in front of his door","Matt" +"What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball","Michael Gourdon" +"Stealing cooking utensils might end a friendship. But that’s a whisk","I’m willing to take." +"Thanks for getting me an elephant for my room","Don't mention it" +"Why can’t you get packages in chile. Because their. Amazon only goes to the northern part of. South","America." +"I work at a dental office. One of our patients got us. Somebody came in with a broken front tooth, and we did a filling to fix it. As we're numbing the patient to do his filling: Dentist: It might feel like your nose is running, but that's just the anesthetic, alright. Patient: Good, i thought i might have to go and catch it","I laughed" +"My dad just laid this math joke on me: What's 5q + 5q. he asks I don't know. 10q. I answer You're welcome. he says, laughing. If you don't get it, say it out loud","EDIT: If you still don't get it, 10q sounds like Thank you (or at least is supposed to)" +"The cross-eyed teacher was sacked from his job","He couldn't control his pupils" +"Dad: why did the chicken cross the road. Son: why. Dad: to go to the dimwit's house Son: . Dad: Knock Knock Son: who's there","Dad: The chicken" +"I went to renew PlayStation Now but accidentally got Xbox Live Gold. Any advice","Whoops, wrong sub" +"I have a chicken proof lawn","It's impeccable" +"Me every time I walk up to someone's fridge to get ice from the dispenser, I purposely set it to water and yell. I think your refrigerator is broken","This ice is coming out melted" +"Why do male lions make great leaders","They are good at mane-taning order" +"I got a. Red. Riding. Hood hood for 60% off","I guess you call a fair retail" +"Managed to bake something on my first try","It was a piece of cake" +"What's the opposite of defeat","Dehands" +"If you take care of chickens","Does it make you a chicken tender?" +"why don't keyboards sleep","because they have two shifts" +"What did the man yell to the dogs playing poker when he slammed down 24 cards on the table","YOU CURS" +"I tell you what What","I was going to tell you that" +"I accidentally poked myself in the eye moments ago","I did not see that one coming" +"Sister [hinting that maybe he should roll up the window]: Aren't you getting chilly","Dad: No, I had a late lunch" +"Midget Fortune Teller Did you hear about the midget fortune teller on the news. He's killing off his customers","They're calling him the small medium at large" +"My sister in law told her parents she was gay. and that her and her girlfriend were going to come out (to visit) to them later in the month","Dad replies: But didn't you just come out" +"Sort of an edited repost. Elmer Fudd is sitting around one day and realized he's not all that good at hunting, might as well take up a new hobby. Obviously he turns to magic/slight of hand. After a few months of practicing, his arms are COVERED in chocolate. Bugs comes up and asks him, Say doc, what's with all the chocolate","To which Elmer replies, You know what they say, a good magician ALWAYS has a few Twix up his sweeves" +"I just got back from Japan and my son asked if I saw any koi fish","I said no, the fish there were actually pretty sociable" +"Have you heard about the guy who had his whole left side chopped off","Yeah he's all right now" +"What did the assassin do when he was hungry","The assassinate" +"They never knew what hit them I was tending bar last night and walked up to the service well to make a couple of drinks. The two girls sitting in front of it were in the middle of a conversation. Right as I got there, one of them said . I just didn't like the sharp taste. Without looking up, I said that's why my uncle quit his job as a sword swallower","Despite the busy bar, I swear that I heard crickets as they stared blankly at me" +"How do you throw a party in space","You plan it" +"Someone just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me","What the Hellman" +"Dad–joked my son walking into the bathroom today. We are at his martial arts competition and saw a sign on the bathroom before we walked in: Please Do Not Walk Bearfoot in the Bathroom Without missing a beat, I looked at him and said, I guess it's a good thing we have people feet. There was a substantial groan. Pic of the sign in the comments","Edit: never mind, it won't let me post the picture" +"The. Leaning. Tower of. Pisa is in. Italy","So it’s italicized!" +"What did Cinderella say once she got to the Ball","*Insert gagging noises*" +"Did you hear about the movie ‘Constipation’","Never mind, it never came out" +"Want to know why nurses like red crayons","Sometimes they have to draw blood." +"After re-arranging the bed in our daughter's room. To my wife: Ah, that's bedder","Wife: [Annoyed glare]" +"I don't get it, it worked My wife has left a note on the fridge with the text: This doesn't work","I examined the refrigerator and it worked, so now I'm waiting for her to come home to explain what she meant" +"Some guy made a video where he joked around about Ebola","It went pretty viral" +"Two guys walk into a bar","Ouch!" +"A girl agreed to go out with me after. I gave her a bottle of tonic water","Schwepped her off her feet" +"What does a snake take for their allergies","Anti hisssss tomines" +"I'll talk about any number except zero","It has no value" +"I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet","Whoops, E-Daisies" +"I learned how to say constipated in German today","Farfrompoopen" +"I made all of my roommates groan with this one We were playing music off of my roommates computer today, when another roommate asks him: Do you have Adele","And I replied: No, he has a Mac" +"Who was the fattest knight at king Arthur's round table","Sir Cumference" +"Meatballs Made a large batch of meatballs a couple of weeks ago and put the extras in the freezer. Last night was spaghetti night, so I pulled out a bag. Opened up the bag and held one up. Then said to my wife, in my best Italian accent. Now that's an icy meat-ah-ball","She was not nearly as amused as I" +"My math teacher locked himself in a room with a piece of graph paper","He must be plotting something" +"Dogs can't operate. MRI machines. But","Catscan." +"Spelling. Bee","B-E-E" +"What do you say to a woman who has given birth to members of the military","Thank you for your cervix" +"What does the fish say when he swims into a wall","Dam" +"My girlfriend said that cows are worth a lot of money","And I said, Yeah, if you milk them for all they're worth She wasn't impressed" +"What kind of food do they serve at a brothel","Whore d'oeuvres" +"Incest isn't necessarily bad","It's all relative" +"Why are taxidermy coupons so effective","Everyone wants to save a buck" +"What's a werewolf's favourite mode of transport","A lunar cycle" +"Got hit with this one while washing my clothes. Me: (Takes clothes out of washing machine) Nice, €50 in my pocket","Dad: You've got to stop with the money laundering" +"Did you know diarrhea is genetic","It runs in your genes" +"Arguing with my wife is like reading a software license agreement.","in the end, I ignore it all and click I agree" +"Some one invited me on a trip to Chicago, but I said no","Bean there done that" +"I love going to the park. But the ducks keep harassing my dog","I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog" +"What do you call a cow with no legs","Ground beef" +"What did the Easter egg say to the boiling water","It's going to take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by some chick" +"Someone said my outfit was gay","I told them it came out of the closet this morning" +"What is the smartest cell in the body","A STEM cell" +"number 1 dad joke kid :","Im hungry dad: hi hungry im dad kid:dad im serious im hungry dad: and im serious too hungry my names dad" +"I always wanted to be a cowboy","so I bought a wiener dog so I could get a long little doggie" +"What happens to betrayed Jedis","They get thrown out of the Windu" +"They replaced the old flat map in our office with a much larger one that has raised textures","It's a huge relief" +"Told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on too high","She looked surprised" +"[At the therapist] Her: He’s always trying to jeopardize our relationship. Therapist: And how do you respond to that","Me: I’ll take “My wife is being a big baby” for $600, Alex" +"An exorcist went bankrupt","His house was repossessed" +"Crayola now has imaginary colors They're pigments of your imagination","Sorry, was this joke too off-color" +"I'm glad. I'm good at making musical puns. Otherwise","I'd have some pretty dim innuendos." +"What's it called when a chameleon can't change color","Reptile dysfunction" +"Some. Thing. On the plain. So my dad and I are driving through Colorado and see a handful of structures that look like giant golf balls on the plains. We start discussing what they are when I muster up my best William Shatner voice and go There. Is some. Thing. On. The plains. and die laughing. Made dad proud","Rest of the car, not so much" +"My 15year old daughter dad joked me during a talking to to my son. It was the other week and my better half had just left town for a holiday. So on the way back from the airport (less than 10 minutes wifey free) the 5 of us where already arguing. Any way my 14 year old son was whistling just to be annoying to my 6year old daughter. So i went down the track of, Look mate, when you start doing something to piss people off, your an arsehole and nobody likes an arsehole and less than half a second later my older daughter chips in Unless your gay . I was driving and my jaw just dropped","I just didn't know what to say, 'technically' she was correct but damn was I pissing myself on the inside" +"What is the cheapest meat. Deer testicles","They're under a buck" +"We were at Subway and the sandwich artist asked my dad if he wanted his Turkey Club toasted","Yeah, I'm quitting cold turkey" +"The new Chinese athlete at the World Athletics Championships Listening to the BBC coverage when the presenter said it was time to see Who Won What. I told my son and wife Ah yes, the promising young Chinese athlete","The groaning is my victory" +"I met a girl with 12 nipples","Sounds funny, dozen tit" +"I kicked my lad out because he told me he now identifies as a cow","I was like 'bye-son'" +"I tell jokes about the conditions outside. People groan or walk away, and that's fine","Because no matter what, I will keep telling them Weath-or weath-out their approval" +"My dad crashed the car last night whilst listening to. Adele. He ended up rolling in the","Jeep" +"My wife has started the tropical fruit diet. Our house is full of the stuff","It’s enough to make a mango crazy" +"As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself","Maybe a career as a tour guide isn't right for me" +"Why did the brothel smell","Prosti-toots" +"Why did the chicken cross the table","To get the other side" +"Sorry, but you can't go upstairs without supervision. 5 year old: That's okay","I have super vision AND super speed" +"What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick","I falafel" +"I'd like to get into making tea's. But","I hear the learning curve is very steep." +"My boyfriends humor is influencing my 5 year old. I told my 5 year old daughter that the colored soap in the car wash was so pretty","She responded, dont you mean SOAP pretty" +"What's a drunk astronauts favourite part of a computer","The space bar" +"A proud son dadjoked his dad last night as he was making stock in the kitchen Dad: The stock is doing really well already. Me: Yeah I heard its up 5% since yesterday","Dad: *groan*" +"So I got fired from my job recently. I was wearing a frog costume which got me fired","Turns out, I kermit-ted a crime" +"The planet that. Hitler hates the most is","Jewpiter" +"Why do cows have hooves instead of feet","Because they lactose" +"Grandpa, to doctor: It really hurts when I pee. Doctor: Does it burn. Grandpa: Not sure","I have never tried to set it on fire" +"I love to cook, I once jumped out of a plane to get a certain herb I needed","But what can I say, I’m a real DILL seeker" +"I was watching The Avengers when my grandfather walks by. and he says who's that","I reply that's Thor He responds well he's gonna be Thor after all that fighting *groan*" +"Have you ever seen any nun. eat naan","I've seen none" +"What button does the Naval admiral press to launch the submarine torpedo","The belly button" +"Why has Nintendo stopped producing the Wii U","It was time for a Switch" +"Did you hear about the guy who invented the 'Knock Knock' joke","He won the No-Bell Prize" +"Why is B the coolest letter in the alphabet","Because its surrounded by a/c" +"A robot from the future decided to avoid eliminating its target for as long as possible. It's a","Procrastinator." +"Why is the Army so strict on uniforms","To minimise casual tees" +"I once married a woman that sounded like a cut of meat","She was a Miss Steak" +"There’s a short, silent video online which gives everyone that watches it £10","It’s the gif that keeps on giving" +"I go to the ocean at least once a year","and I think it is starting to like me because it waves every time I go" +"I hear that the job market for mirror inspectors is growing at a surprising rate","I really feel like this is a job I could see myself doing" +"Why did the Spice Girls break up","They couldn't find any Cumin, Ground" +"Why did the old school french-spanish gamer refuse to abandon his teammate","Because he was all about the con ami code" +"My six-year-old's favourite joke. Knock Knock. -Who's there","Interrupting Cow -Interrupting Co-- MOO" +"Did you hear about the Mexican farmer that learnt to drive","Didn't avocado" +"Without any natural border, how can you tell when you're in Finland, and when you're in Lapland. Once you pass the last Lap, you're at the Finnish line","*I'll show myself out" +"I picked up a book on metalworking yesterday","I couldn’t put it down because it was so riveting" +"Look at that dog, my dad said. [ She's spread-beagle. ](http://i. imgur. com/egJemWs","jpg)" +"At first I wasn't sure what I thought about my beard","but it's growing on me" +"Dad-joked my own Father while we were driving home. My Dad and I were watching Iron Man on his truck's DVD player while he was driving me home. It cuts to a scene where someone was driving an Audi. Dad: Ooh, that's a nice car. Me: Meh, I don't like it. Dad: You don't like the Audi. Me: Nope. Dad: Get out. Me: You want me to get Audi your car. Dad: ಠ_ಠ The groan he emitted was magnificent. Edit: Individuals seem to be upset about him occasionally watching while he was driving. I apologize if this offends anyone. I talked to him, and he says he will make sure to only watch when he is stopped/parked. I will make sure he does so","Thank you for the concern" +"Aw, poor guy just bought a sled","his life must really be going downhill" +"I can't believe my wife left me for a midget","How could she stoop so low" +"Some cows were caught smoking weed an playing poker","Yes, the steaks were very high" +"Dad jokes","Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications" +"Me and my girlfriend walking beside a concrete wall We were on a holiday in Spain and we saw a concrete wall guarding a yard at someone's house. On top of the wall the owner had clued broken bottles in stead of barbed wire. Me and my girlfriend were shocked and I said I can't believe someone would do this. I Just can't get over this. she didn't realise until I said it would just hurt me too much","Proud moment" +"Too bad for the. Colts. Looks like they’re out of","Luck this season" +"Sometimes I feel like a potato","But I yam what I yam" +"How does a neckbeard greet an Irishman","Muh' Laddy" +"Me: We need to find a place for our daughter's birthday toys. Wife: What about our wardrobe","Me: No, that can stay where it is" +"At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang. ” He said, “Sorry","There is no Time" +"I got the book Internet Forums for Dummies from a friend","But I need to take it back, because I already reddit" +"TIL the maximum length of the human penis is 11,9 inches","Any longer and it's a foot" +"You can always win a fight with a tree","They're all bark and no bite" +"Are you from Europe. Are you from Europe. because I couldn't help but Czech you out","Now now, I know I need to polish my techniques, but there is Norway I could resist" +"One day when I stayed home from school. Mom's boyfriend: Do you know anything about Jazz. Me: What","Him: Get J'azz back in school" +"What is the kinkiest letter of the alphabet","I don't know, but it's not E" +"I recently started a management role working at a local soup kitchen","I'm the new soup advisor" +"My girlfriend told me to stop singing Smash Mouth. I thought she was joking","Then I saw her face" +"My friend told me that ever since they changed genders, their kids won’t even look at them anymore","It’s almost as if they have become trans-parent" +"Last night there was a break-in at the pencil factory, theives stole everything","police are still looking for leads" +"I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but","I've been tripping all day." +"i found this browsing around https://i. imgur. com/i7TApSv","png" +"Wife turned the tables and Dad Joked me on our evening walk. I was not prepared. Wife: We should take the short cut this time. Me: Short cut. But who would want to cut things short. Wife: . a hair dresser","Wow" +"My dad has an Instagram account. He posted this the other day and I thought you guys would enjoy. [Link to screenshot of photo](http://i. imgur. com/5BZYrGW. jpg) For those of you who don't click the link; it's a picture of my dad with a big piece of lettuce hanging out of his ear. The caption reads: I went to the doctor because of an ear problem. The doctor said, It appears as though you have lettuce in your ear. Oh no, I said, Is it serious","Sorry but, the doctor said, I'm afraid it's only the tip of the iceberg" +"I used to be addicted to soap","But i'm clean now" +"What does ice do when it's lazy","It chills" +"I got fired from my job at the calendar factory. All","I did was take a day off" +"Hey look at the cemetery. People are just dying to get in there","(My dad, every single time we would pass a cemetery" +"Why did Mike Tyson send back his lemonade","It tasted like pith" +"Don't trust atoms","They make up everything" +"What do you get when two angles get into a crash","A Rectangle" +"I was in a cab one time and got curious. I asked the cabbie if he liked his job. He said, “Oh sure. I’m out of the house, away from my nagging wife and I don’t have anyone telling me what to do","” I told him, “Turn right at the next corner" +"People ask me all the time why Im single I say its because it would be scientifically impossible for me to be plural. That and my god awful dad jokes","😭" +"Why isn’t a koala bear a real bear. Because it lacks the koala-fications","(technically, this is a 3 year old joke told to me last weekend, not a dad joke)" +"A limbo champion walks into a bar","And is instantly disqualified" +"Magical Dad When I was very young I brought my dad string and a Walmart bag Me: Dad, can you make me a parachute. Dad: *without skipping a beat* POOF","You're a parachute" +"Cantaloupe","I'm already married!" +"My ex wife wants my burial plot","Over my dead body" +"What was Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination","HAND EEEEEEEEYE" +"I only have one word to describe whiteboards","Remarkable" +"What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo","One's heavy the other is a little lighter" +"Dad just got my whole family at lunch My sister was looking at some scholarship stuff and she said she would be interested in studying abroad","Dad says How about studying a guy instead of a broad" +"A man recently won a marathon in a photo finish, beating his rival by a nose In the post race interview he said in a nasally voice: I won because I have a cold. So I was extra runny","This was terrible" +"If grizzly bears ride unicycles, what do polar bears ride","B-icicle" +"A giant list of puns What do you call a fake noodle. An Impasta. I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy. Want to hear a joke about paper. Nevermind it’s tearable. Why did the cookie cry. Because his father was a wafer so long. I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying. What do you call a belt with a watch on it. A waist of time. How do you organize an outer space party. You planet. I went to a seafood disco last week. and pulled a mussel. Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk. The stock market. I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems. My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well. Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight. Because it was well armed. How much does a hipster weigh. An instagram. What did daddy spider say to baby spider. You spend too much time on the web. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation. There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation. What cheese can never be yours. Nacho cheese. What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school. Bison. Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane. They mostly wrap. Why does Superman gets invited to dinners. Because he is a Supperhero. How was Rome split in two. With a pair of Ceasars. The shovel was a ground breaking invention. A scarecrow says, This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans. A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, Make me one with everything. Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body. He's alright now. What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other. Ilene. I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words. What does a clock do when it's hungry. It goes back for seconds. What do you do with a dead chemist. You barium. I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize. Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor. Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says Do you smell fish. Do you know sign language. You should learn it, it’s pretty handy. What do you call a beautiful pumpkin. GOURDgeous. Why did one banana spy on the other. Because she was appealing. What do you call a cow with no legs. Ground beef. What do you call a cow with two legs. Lean beef. What do you call a cow with all of its legs. High steaks. A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils. After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it. I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it. To write with a broken pencil is pointless. I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down. I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me. What should you do if you are cold. Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees. How does Moses make coffee. Hebrews it. The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery. What did the alien say to the pitcher of water. Take me to your liter. What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs. You have a vowel movement. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran. Sausage puns are the wurst. What do you call a bear with no teeth. A gummy bear. Why shouldn’t you trust atoms. They make up everything. What’s it called when you have too many aliens. Extraterrestrials. Want to hear a pizza joke. Nevermind, it’s too cheesy. What do you call a fake noodle. An impasta. What do cows tell each other at bedtime. Dairy tales. Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan. Because of the tally ban. Why didn’t the lion win the race. Because he was racing a cheetah. What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up. It becomes daytrogen. What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator. Raising the steaks. What’s america’s favorite soda. Mini soda. Why did the tomato turn red. Because it saw the salad dressing. What kind of car does a sheep drive. Their SuBAHHru. What do you call a french pig. Porque. What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards. A receding hairline. Why don’t vampires go to barbecues. They don’t like steak. How do trees access the internet. They log on. Why should you never trust a train. They have loco motives. Is your refrigerator running. Better go catch it. The future,the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense. I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need. I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off. He's all right now. I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction. Have you ever tried to eat a clock. It's very time consuming. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. Read enough of our funny puns, and you'll be punstoppable. Yesterday a clown held the door for me. It was a nice jester. I used to go fishing with Skrillex but he kept dropping the bass. The wedding was so emotional even the cake was in tiers. What does a house wear. A dress. Why can't bicycles stand up on their own. Since they are 2 tired. I owe a lot to the sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years. Imagine if alarm clocks hit you back in the morning. It would be truly alarming. Why is a skeleton a bad liar. You can see right through it. What do you receive when you ask a lemon for help. Lemonaid. A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case. What does a dog say when he sits down on a piece of sandpaper. Ruff. What do you call crystal clear urine. 1080pee. At my boxing club there is only one punch bag. I hate waiting for the punch line. An untalented gymast walks into a bar. Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too. I was accused of being a plagiarist, their word not mine. My friends say they don’t like skeleton puns. I should put more backbone into them. Let me FILL you in on my trip to the dentist. Why does the singer of Cheap Thrills not want us to Sia. Traveling on a flying carpet is a rugged experience. Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy. The old woman who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner,there were strings attached. Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage. It was wrong on so many levels. My new diet consists of aircraft, its a bit plane. Have you ever tried to milk a cow which has been cut in half. Udder madness. Why are there fences on graveyards. Because people are dying to get in. Why do trees have so many friends. They branch out. Models of dragons are not to scale. Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever. Why don’t some couples go to the gym. Because some relationships don’t work out. Don’t trust people that do acupuncture, they’re back stabbers. A persistent banker wouldn’t stop hitting on me so I asked him to leave me a loan. I ordered a book of puns last week, but i didn't get it. People say i look better without glasses but i just can't see it. Don’t judge a meal by the look of the first course. It’s very souperficial. I heard Donald Trump is going to ban shredded cheese, and make America grate again. I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me. What do you call a young musician. A minor. Police were called to a daycare yesterday, where a 2-year-old was resisting a rest. If artists wear sketchers do linguists wear converse. I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It’s syncing now. Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine. I smeared some ketchup all over my eyes once. It was a bad idea in Heinz- sight. I flipped a coin over an issue the other day, it was quite the toss-up. I got hit in the head with a can of soda. Luckily it was a soft drink. I heard that the post office was a male dominated industry. Why isn’t suntanning an Olympic sport. Because the best you can ever get is bronze. What do you mean June is over. Julying. Why is Kylo Ren so angry. Beause he’s always Ben Solo. These reversing cameras are great. Since I got one I haven’t looked back. The candle quit his job because he felt burned out. Our maintenance guy lost his legs on the job, now he’s just a handyman. Models of dragons are not to scale. Going to bed with music on gave him sound sleep. A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field. I met some aliens from outer space. They were pretty down to earth. The plane flight brought my acrophobia to new heights. My phone has to wear glasses ever since it lost its contacts. I, for one, like Roman numerals. How do mountains see. They peak. The show was called Spongebob Squarepants but everyone knows the star was Patrick. This is not alcohol, water you thinking. Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can’t hit the high seas. I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised. The earth's rotation really makes my day. If I buy a bigger bed will I have more or less bedroom. Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted. Two ropes were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-frayed. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear. Sneakers. I got a master’s degree in being ignored; no one seems to care. After eating the ship, the sea monster said, I can’t believe I ate the hull thing. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane. A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot. I had a pun about insanity but then I lost it. He couldn’t work out how to fix the washing machine so he threw in the towel. Why does the man want to buy nine rackets. Cause tennis too many. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns. Because they taste funny. If I got paid in lots of Pennes I would make loads of pasta. I thought I saw a spider on my laptop, but my friend said it was just a bug. A doctor broke his leg while auditioning for a play. Luckily he still made the cast. The tale of the haunted refrigerator was chilling. Why are frogs so happy. They eat whatever bugs them. If you wear cowboy clothes are you ranch dressing. I was addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around. Simba, you're falling behind. I must ask you to Mufasa. I bought a wooden whistle but it wooden whistle. The bomb didn't want to go off. So it refused. The sore mummy needed a Cairo-practor I feel sorry for shopping carts. They’re always getting pushed around. The display of still-life art was not at all moving. On Halloween October is nearly Octover. Pig puns are so boaring. Why couldn’t the dead car drive into the cluttered garage. Lack of vroom. What do you call Samsung's security guards. Guardians of the Galaxy. What does Superman have in his drink. Just ice. How does a penguin build it’s house. Igloos it together. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. The safe was invented by a cop and a robber. It was quite a combination. What do you do when balloons are hurt. You helium. One hat says to the other, You stay here, I’ll go on a head. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh. Ten tickles. When does a farmer dance. When he drops the beet. When the scientist wanted to clone a deer, he bought a doe it yourself kit. If people ask how many puns I made in Germany I reply, nein Did you hear about the invention of the white board. It was remarkable. If Donald Trump becomes president, America is going toupee. Can February March. No, but April May. I hate Russian Dolls, they are so full of themselves. What do you do to an open wardrobe. You closet. The magazine about ceiling fans went out of business due to low circulation. So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means. It’s not the end of the world. Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos. A backwards poem writes inverse. Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting. I asked my friend, Nick, if he had 5 cents I could borrow. But he was Nicholas. The soundtrack for Blackfish was orcastrated. Where do you imprison a skeleton. In a rib cage. There’s a fine line between the numerator and the denominator. I used to work at a hairdresser but i just wasn’t cut out for it. Why is metal and a microwave a match made in heaven. When they met, sparks flew. The lumberjack loved his new computer. He especially enjoyed logging in. Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers. When the church relocated it had an organ transplant. Lettuce take a moment to appreciate this salad pun. The scarecrow get promoted because he was outstanding in his field. Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed. I never understood odorless chemicals, they never make scents. What do prisoners use to call each other. Cell phones. Why was dumbo sad. He felt irrelephant. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. Old skiers never die. They just go down hill. Did you hear about the pun that was actually funny. Neither have we. You know why I like egg puns. They crack me up. Want to hear a pun about ghosts. That's the spirit. I used to make clown shoes… which was no small feat. Did you hear about the human cannonball. Too bad he got fired. What happened when the magician got mad. She pulled her hare out. Did you hear about the circus that caught on fire. It was in tents. The one day of the week that eggs are definitely afraid of is Fry-day. A hen will always leave her house through the proper eggs-it. The man who ate too many eggs was considered to be an egg-oholic. All the hens consider the chef to be very mean because he beats the eggs. Eskimos keep all of their chilled eggs inside of the egg-loo. Under the doctor’s advice, the hen is laying off eggs for a few weeks. I had a real problem making a hard-boiled egg this morning until I cracked it. The best time of day to eat eggs is at the crack of dawn. The chicken coop only had 2 doors since if it had 4 doors it would be a sedan. Crossing a cement mixer and a chicken will result in you getting a brick layer. That reckless little egg always seems to egg-celerate when he sees the light turn yellow. Hopefully this egg pun doesn't make your brain too fried or scrambled. Don't ever have multiple people wash dishes together. It's hard for them to stay in sink. People using umbrellas always seem to be under the weather. I dissected an iris today. It was an eye-opening experience. What was Forrest Gump’s email password. 1forrest1. A man who took an airline company to court after losing his luggage has lost his case. What planet is like a circus. Saturn, it has three rings. Before my father died he worked in a circus as a stilt walker. I used to look up to him. Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker","He wanted a well-balanced meal" +"My uncle always talks about his disappointing sex life","It always end in an Auntie climax" +"What do you call a sleep walking nun","A Roman Catholic" +"What do you call a celebrity that fell down the stairs","A roll model" +"I’m not sure about this sushi","It looks fishy to me" +"Not bragging but I made six figures last year","so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory" +"Why did the Scandinavians take so long to look like minerals. Because","Gneiss guise Finnish last" +"What does an inflated tire say when it gets excited","“I’m pumped”" +"What does Miley Cyrus have for Thanksgiving","Twerky" +"Did you hear about the two mummies who farted at the same time. They had a toot in common","Kid loved it and I’m proud of the original content" +"When does a joke become a dad joke. When it becomes apparent. When does it become apparent","After the delivery" +"A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend at her parent's house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out,and walks in on them. Dad. , she exclaimed in panic . I'm sorry The dad being a dad replies, hi sorry, I'm Dad","He then turns to the boyfriend and asks Are you fucking sorry" +"How Much does a pirate charge to pierce your ears","A Buccaneer" +"I wanted to post this just in case. https://imgur","com/xe8hW4t" +"A man walks into a hardware store and says I'd like to buy a Christmas tree. The cashier asks are you putting it up yourself","The man replies no, I'm putting it in the living room" +"How do Germans tie their shoelaces","in little knotsies" +"Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun","She was a roman catholic" +"Talking to my girlfriend who apparently is not ready for children http://imgur","com/2E5Phq7" +"I'm unhappy with Prime Day Amazon Prime day is on the 21st","I personally would not partake of Prime day unless it were on the 2nd, 3rd, 5th, 7th, 11th, 13th, 17th, 19th, 23rd, 29th, or 31st" +"My family was talking about going camping. Step-dad: Well you know you can't run through a camp ground Me: Why not. Step-dad: You have to ran, because its all past tents","Many groans were drowned out by my laughter" +"So I bought a thesaurus the other day. But all the pages were blank","I have no words to describe how angry I am" +"Dad joked the cashier yesterday morning I was buying a big bag of dog food and the cashier asked: > Is this all for you sir","to which I replied > No it's for my dogs the older woman behind me couldn't stop giggling" +"Dude, she just totally checked me out. Right after paying for our food at the cafeteria at work. Co-worker about the woman working the cash register: Dude, she just totally checked me out. Me: Yea she checked me out too","There goes $4" +"There was a knock at the door the other day and to my surprise, it was a kitchen sink. He said I hear you have everything but me","So I let that sink in" +"My friend just started watching How I Met Your Mother, so he just learned who Jason Segal is. I don't think he got the joke. http://i. imgur. com/T8xIeqf","jpg" +"MY. Grandma dropped this one on me at dinner. Me: I finished my whole plate . Gran-gran:*points at my plate*","No you haven't!" +"What the hell happened to this sub. https://imgur","com/a/3Q9maRC" +"So I told a horrible dad joke today. I was at work and one of my associates had a green highlighter and was marking some things on her paperwork. I noticed she had gotten some on her thumb: Huh. I see you have a bit of a green thumb","*groan*" +"Don't cheat on your partner with coffee beans","They could be used as grounds for divorce" +"Be careful this. Easter","There is a lot of basket cases out there." +"I’ve decided to put an end to my addiction to deli meats","I’m quitting cold turkey" +"Early Indicator [This comic](http://doodleforfood","com/post/149338351979/early-indicator-facebook-twitter-instagram) is perfect for this sub" +"You can't run through a camp site","You can only ran, because it's past tents" +"Did you guys hear about the butter business","The churn over is crazy" +"My kids hate it when I sing my favorite Michael Jackson song, but I just can't help it . because I'm Dad. I'm Dad","You know it" +"What vegetable is sorta rad, but not totally rad","A radish" +"I had a happy childhood; Dad would roll me down the hill in a tire","Those were Goodyears" +"Where does a suicide bomber go on his final mission","Everywhere" +"What do you call a bear missing an ear?","B" +"You've really go to hand it to short people","because they can't reach it for themselves" +"I'd never be a judge in a penis contest","I think that's Dgrading" +"I recently started dating an x-ray technician who’s way out of my league","I still don’t know what she sees in me" +"What do you call a depressed traffic jam","Bummer to bummer traffic" +"So my Dad just dropped this one on me. My Dad has been staying with me for the past few days because his heat went out and I don't want him to become a dadscicle, and I've been up to my armpits in Dad jokes. This one was especially good, I thought. Dad: I'm going to run down to the gas station, do you need anything. Me: No, I'm fine. Dad: Candy bar. Me: Nope, I'm good. Dad: Henway. Me: What's a henway. Dad: Oh, about 3 and half pounds","*Groan*" +"I used to work as a cashier at Old Navy where we'd have One Day Wonder sales like $2 tank tops","I would say tanks for shopping with us and no one would notice" +"What do you call an infant Caucasian terrorist","A vanilla Isis baby" +"My dad could be a doctor Me: Hey, did you hear so-and-so got a concussion skiing. Mom: Oh no, where","Dad: On his head, probably" +"My wife is turning 32 soon. I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute. ” “What are you talking about. ” she asked","I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday" +"I used to live in a tree house until a tornado destroyed the tree","My life had been uprooted" +"We found a rabbit in the backyard and decided to keep it","It was a hare-raising experience" +"Pass me the ugly. We are from Quebec so we speak french. It's lunchtime and someone at the table is getting thirsty. (Keep in mind that ''laid'' and ''lait'' are pronounced the same way in french) ''Peux tu me passer le lait, papa. (Can you pass over the milk, dad. )'' My sister says. ''Ben, le laid est just là. (Well, the ugly is right there. )'' My dad says while pointing at me. He then proceeds to laugh, extremely proud of his joke","Oh dad" +"My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and diarrhea","I’m worried shitless" +"A man came home very late and drunk just to find his wife still up waiting for him. The wife: what am I to you. The drunk husband: my treasure. The wife: prove it","He buried her" +"My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo","So I had to put my foot down" +"My friend wouldn’t stop telling me bird puns","Little did he know toucan play at that game" +"I saw my daughter watering the plants with a spray bottle I looked at her and said You mist","Ha" +"I got my son a new jacket for this winter. He didn’t like it, so I asked him why. He said, “I don’t feel very cool in this jacket. ” I replied, “Exactly","So what’s the problem" +"Parties on mars would be dreadful","There's no atmosphere" +"As. I handed my","Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know, one would have been enough.”" +"Why do supervillains never get cold","They dress in lairs" +"This joke is about ghosts. You wanna hear it","That's the spirit" +"Not your average dad joke. So, I realize this isn't entirely in the spirit of dad jokes, but I think you all will get a groan or three in the end. Basically, my dad is the epitome of /r/dadjokes. He is a walking talking dadjoke. So, it was quite the shock to our family when we recently found out that he has stage 4 Cholangiocarcinoma (the Bad Luck Brian of cancers. ) and doesn't have much longer to live. Anyhow, his favorite image on the internet is of a dead deer on the side of the road with a Get well soon balloon tied to its leg. It cracks him up. Tickles him pink in fact. so, being the morbid family we are, that lead to this. http://imgur. com/h2cCZQq He might be dying, but I still call him dad, and he is still quick with a joke. As you can see his sense of humor hasn't gone anywhere. Our family's sense of humor is what gets us all through. I believe my favorite bad joke through all of this was his buddy who said, Frank, that is the worst spray tan I've ever seen in my life. (You see, the cancer is shutting down his liver and he appears yellow from jaundice. ) I'm not looking for any sympathy here, dad's die all the time. That's a tough fact of life. I just wanted to spread a fine dadjoke","Thanks for reading" +"Tough Real Estate Market It seems like every time we passed a cemetery with my father in the car, he'd say, Look at that beautiful place. People are just dying to get in there. And such quiet neighbors, too","Dad worked for Good Humor, can you tell" +"Why are there so few obese people in Japan","Because they hunt whales" +"Which days of the week are the strongest. Saturday and Sunday","The rest are all weekdays" +"Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back","It's only a phase, after all" +"Ex Girlfriend My ex girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me","I want to say hello but there's just too much history between us" +"There was a gender revealation party, with a huge balloon to pop(has colourful confetti). The balloon escaped, what was the gender","Boy- Balloon was filled with he" +"If you're having auto-correct problems, I feel bad for you son. I've got 99 parabolas Burr bite ab it onedirectionfan69@yahoo","com" +"So we had a mild earthquake last night and my wife said well there are a lot of fault lines in Tennessee My response: well it's never been perfect","Queue the eye roll" +"What do they call Miley Cyrus in europe","Kilometry Cyrus" +"As I was driving past the prison. I noticed a midget in prison clothes climbing down the outside of the fence","And as he looked down at me and sneered, I thought, That's a little con descending" +"Sorry if this breaks the rules but, please cheer up my dad. He's a punctuation expert who is recovering from surgery. He just had half of his lower digestive system removed","It would really cheer him up if you could comment with his favorite punctuation mark: ;" +"It’s going to be awkward if Mr and Mrs Burr","ever lose their son Tim in a forest" +"Don't tell secrets in corn fields","Too many ears around" +"I saw a guy this morning wearing a black cloak and scraping the frost off his windscreen with a Scythe","I was going to offer a hand but my wife told me it's not a good idea to de-ice with death" +"Got a text from my wife while I was at the store asking me to pick up some Desetin I replied let's not make any rash decisions","Pretty sure I heard her sigh from here" +"Why do traffic lights turn red","You'd turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street" +"What did Scar say after he fixed his car horn","BEEP REPAIRED" +"What do you call the Italian slums","The spaghetto" +"Look out, that door has a mind of its own","It's unhinged" +"I made some things. I think you'll appreciate them http://imgur. com/gallery/jlGIG Cheers. Enjoy",":)" +"Two silkworms were in a race","It ended up in a tie" +"One-upped by my son I was being my usual dad witty self today when my wife and I were talking about how much food we had grilled this weekend for meals for the week. I told my wife that she was just using me for my grill","Without skipping a beat, my son said, she's a grill digger" +"How do you get a farm girl","A tractor *Atract her*" +"A bossy man walks into a bar","He orders everyone a round" +"Dad, can you teach me how a solar eclipse works","No son" +"What's black, white and red all over","A sunburnt penguin" +"What's an astronaut's favorite part of a computer","The space bar" +"Young kid on a double-decker bus got his mother. I was upstairs on one of the huge red busses in London this evening. in the front, a few rows ahead of me, was a mother and her obnoxiously energetic ~3 year old boy. In an effort to focus him and calm him down, she propped him up on the seat and said Sit up, I need you to help me know where to get off . He looked at her for a few seconds in confusion and replied . downstairs . I instagrinned and looked around the bus expecting similar reactions. but nothing","The English are a stone cold bunch" +"What do you call a singing computer","Adele" +"Railroad conductors","Are so well trained" +"If you're having some trouble with your bike, let me know","I know a good spokesperson" +"Just got a groan from my girlfriend. I came in from having a cigarette and while closing the cumbersome sliding glass door I remarked, Man that door is heavy. I know, she says, sometimes it pushes me back. That's terrible. Has it committed any other crimes against you. I asked. No, but we should still sue it for everything it has though. she said. I grinned at her and offered, It would probably just say it was framed","She let out a quiet groan and flippantly said, You're funny Edit: words" +"Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle","It was an ether/oar situation" +"What did the scientist say when a dude goes after his girlfriend","Bromine" +"Is the Capital of Kentucky pronounced Loo-iss-vil or Loo-ee-vil","It is pronounced Frankfort" +"Growing a Beard I started growing out my beard again and asked my SO her opinion. Me: Is my Beard starting to grow on you. SO: No Me: You wanna know why. Because its growing on me","Queue face-palm by SO while out at dinner" +"Based on reality. I come from a long line of procrastinaters,","I'll tell you about it later" +"Do you know why banks only hire females","Because if they hired males it’d be tellhims and not tellers" +"What do this joke and taking a sip of food coloring have in common","They'll both make you dye a little on the inside" +"My dad just said I'd like to propose a. New. Year's toast before breakfast","And clicked the toaster down as everyone turned to look at him." +"My friend told me a joke about the covering of the iris. Sure, I laughed","But it was cornea as ever" +"I asked my wife to help me pick out some new music on Spotify","She gave me some sound advice" +"My wife was dying of cardiovascular disease","She didn't want me to see her die, but then she had a change of heart." +"Why did the Orange stop","OJ killed it" +"How do you kill a dad","add an 'e' to make them dead" +"In order to dad joke you all, a couple of days ago I posted this [Please forgive me](https://www. reddit","com/r/dadjokes/comments/43u875/this/)" +"When I ever get to be a dad, I wanna start early","If I would get to be the dad of a son, I'd name him Jason so on the moment of his birth I can get up and shout: Jesus Christ, it's Jason, born" +"Son:. Dad gimme your best dad joke. Dad:","Will you give it back?" +"My sister and her college roommate both bought mini fridges and now they have two","You can never have two mini fridges" +"What did the horse say after it tripped","“Help I fell and can’t giddyup" +"Why did mona lisa resist the arrest","Cuz da Vinci had framed her" +"What's the best part about going out to eat with a duck","He's always stuck with the bill" +"For me, the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away","**a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away**" +"I just drove my new car out of the lot, only to find the reverse gear broken","There’s no going back now" +"I'm reading a braille horror novel. Something good is about to happen","I can just feel it" +"I bought a new deodorant today. The instructions said to remove cap and push up bottom","I can barely walk but my farts smell lovely" +"Zinged my very punny father the other day We were BBQing burgers the other day and he dropped his raw patty onto the kitchen floor. Me - I guess you'd call that ground beef","His look was worth it" +"So a baseball rolls into a bar","The bartender looks at him and says You must be here for a pitcher" +"We finally obtained the secret weapon to kill the evil Dolphin King","It kind of defeats the porpoise, though" +"Why can't a leopard hide","Because he's always spotted" +"One car Tyre speaking to another: Tyre 1: How you feeling about the big trip tomorrow","Tyre 2: I'm pumped" +"My coworker said that my shoes looked so gay I know","They just came out of the closet" +"Did you hear about the mathematician who was terrified of negative numbers","He would stop at nothing to avoid them" +"People keep saying transparency is an important issue here on. Reddit but","I honestly can't see what they are talking about." +"Where do Russians keep their Armies","Up their Sleevies" +"Was watching an episode of The Office when Jim says. - We found a great local daycare. It's rated really high by all the local parenting websites, but that means it's also really hard to get into. - Turns out a lot of parents want the very best for their children. That's weird. - We're hoping our interview seals the deal. - But if not, there's always the Army","The infantry" +"What's a dog's favorite part of a tree","The bark" +"You know what's the best thing about camping with your S","It's fucking in-tents" +"Soup lovers are all liars","You can never put too much stock in them." +"Did anyone else hear about these new corduroy pillowcases","They're making headlines" +"I was cooking my wife breakfast this morning… Wife: These eggs are the best. You're an egg professional","Me: I'm an eggspert" +"The Dad Jokes is strong with my 12 y/o son. My wife: Daddy and I are tired from looking for a car today","Son: Would you say you are Exhaust-ed" +"What's it Called When Someone Has Sex on a Tombstone. If it's two monsters, it's a monster mash","Otherwise, it's a graveyard smash" +"I really like whiteboards","I'm fact, I find them quite remarkable" +"I used to have a hokey pokey addiction","Then i turned myself around." +"My dad would be proud I been fooling around with this girl who's 5'9 and 110lbs. Me: I don't understand how you're so skinny; we both eat the same unhealthy garbage Her: It's hereditary, everyone in my family is real skinny. Me: So I guess you've got *skinny genes*. I laughed hysterically","She was mildly amused" +"What do you call a pig who knows karate","A pork chop" +"How does the kangaroo like his beer","Hoppy" +"Who is the head of the Lizard Mafia","The Iguanodon" +"He's not sorry https://imgur","com/aunk8hj" +"Got my friend who works at 24 Hour Fitness Saw a friend and asked him where he's working now. He told me he works at 24 Hour Fitness","My response: Well, I guess today you only work at 23 Hour Fitness Him: *Groan*" +"Why are chickens banned from church","They use foul language" +"I always fast forward to the end of my porno","Some would say I like to come to conclusions" +"What do you call fake crap","Shampoo" +"What do you call underwear that defends itself","A boxer" +"I had a game of quiet tennis today","It's just like regular tennis but without the racket" +"After watching the new Star Trek movie in 3D I took my 3D glasses off and said in a loud voice, Oh my gawd. I still see 3D","Another viewer told he appreciated the joke" +"A Classic Mom I dont know what it is but I think White rice is so much better than brown rice Dad Thats because your a riceist","Silence" +"Why do NASCAR drivers struggle with Tinder","They only know how to swipe left" +"I used to work in a muffler shop, but I had to give it up","because it was exhausting" +"What do you call a group of snakes insulting each other. A reptile diss function","Hehe" +"My dad passed away 29 years ago this month and I thought I'd pass along a joke he used to say. In the words of Mr","Dean Martin Show me a milk man that wears pantyhose and I'll show you a Dairy Queen" +"We were watching Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. My boyfriend: I mean, Marion got captured because she did NAZI them coming. You get it. She did NAZI them coming. HA. Anne Frankly, I didn't see how you didn't get it. If I keep going this is gonna be holocaustly","We don't even have kids yet" +"Why did the lamps get arrested","They were in some shady business" +"Got hit with this at dinner So right after the food was put on the table, this was the conversation that happened Me: Why do we have to types of rice","Dad: Because we are a multi-riceal family I almost left" +"My son told me I need to quit playing Wonderwall on guitar","I said maybe" +"what vegetable really likes to party","turn-up" +"What do u call a zombie that writes music","A decomposer" +"My first steps to greatness Today my mom came downstairs and asked me Toes, how are you at fixing phones. I thought for a second and saw my opportunity, so I replied, I would say I'm pretty good, but then I'd be a phony","I'm so excited to be a dad" +"It's not that drivers in Europe are driving on the wrong side of the road","They're just not driving on the right side" +"What is red and bad for your teeth","A brick" +"What do dogs read about","Pawlitics" +"Today's the day before my dad's birthday, he makes the same joke about it every year. [Having breakfast with my folks] Dad: This is my favorite day of the year. Me: Oh yeah 'cause it's your birthday tomorrow right. Dad: No, because today is the one day out of the year where the date is a command. Me: Oh god, not this agai- Dad: [cutting me off with a booming impression of a Roman centurion] MARCH FORTH OR THOU SHALT BE FIFTH. And that's me I'm March 5th. Me: Walked right into that one again","Dad: Same time next year" +"The best thing about 404 jokes is","Wait, damnit, it’s around here somewhere" +"What do you call two Egyptian guys farting at the same time","Tootincommon" +"What do you call the border of Finland","The Finnish line 🏃" +"So my dad hates it when I call him Pops So of course I try to call him Pops as much as possible. I come home last night and he is waiting on the porch with arms crossed and a disgruntled look on his face. As I exit the car I yell, Hey there Pops","And in classic dad fashion he responds by saying, I oughta pops you one in the nose" +"I tripped over my wife's bra","It seemed to be a booby trap" +"I put an electric fence up on my property","My neighbor is dead against it" +"What do you call a man with no shins","Tony" +"In Which Dad Tries His Hand At Humor: The Daddest Jokes of them All *A dad jokes compilation. * 1. Q Why did dad celebrate his new girlfriend's birthday for only thirty seconds. 1. A Because it was her 32nd birthday. 2. Q Why is leather armor the best. , asks Dad 2. A Because it's literally made of hide. 3. Q Dad wants to know why he should buy a SmartLamp^tm 3. A Obviously because the other ones aren't as bright. 4. Q Dad's girlfriend: I pushed the stool under the sink so you wouldn't trip over it 4. A Says Dad, Well I'd prefer if you flushed it down the toilet. 5. Q Why didn't Dad like the idea of a restaurant on the moon. 5. A He says it wouldn't have any atmosphere. 6. Q I asked Dad why he and his girlfriend were going to Switzerland 6. A He said the flag was a big plus. 7. Q Why did Dad think he could lift up the hipster. 7. A Well he only weighs an instagram. 8. Q What did Dad say when his pregnant girlfriend said she should see a baby doctor. 8. A You should really see an adult doctor. 9. Q Dad's girlfriend wants to know the difference between an Asian elephant and an African one. 9. A Five thousand miles 10. Q Why are there only nine dad jokes. 10","A Because the 10th was caught in the middle of 9/11" +"There's a difference between dad jokes and bad jokes","A single letter" +"Are those your pants, stumbling around by themselves and puking all over everything","Yeah, they're my high/wasted jeans" +"Morning dad joke I was eating breakfast before school one morning when my dad walked into the kitchen and put his hand directly on my waffles. Me: What are you doing","Dad (whispers): You're supposed to say leggo my eggo" +"Her name tag said she was in training The name tag read: Store Name Sabrina In training I said You've been Sabrina your whole life","You shouldn't need to be training for that" +"How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad. A frog says, ribbit, ribbit, ribbit","A horny toad says, rubbit, rubbit, rubbit" +"A couple is touring Moscow. The husband looks at the cloudy sky and says It looks like rain His wife says, No, it's just cloudy. Their tour guide, a Communist officer named Rudolph, overhears them and says It will definitely rain. Sure enough, a few minutes later, the heavens open and the tour group runs for cover from the downpour. The husband turns to his wife and says See","Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear" +"Whenever. I get confused,. I light a candle","They always make scents." +"Mom,. Dad,. I don't know how to tell you this but","I'm a mime." +"What do you call any number other than 12","A dozen't" +"How does one think the unthinkable","With an itheberg" +"what do you call a marathon for pastors. a REV","RUN" +"My dad's joke in regards to the roving gang of clowns How do you stop a gang of clowns","Go for the juggler" +"What's brown and sticky","A stick" +"Anasthetic puns make me numb,","But arithmetic puns make me number" +"Cold joke string What’s a penguins favourite film. *Frozen. * What did the penguin say to the snowman who didn’t find the first joke funny. *Oh laugh. * What did the snowman kick the penguin with in retaliation. *Dis knee* Why did the snowman then watch Frozen with the penguin","*Nothing Elsa on TV* There’s snow more now, ice said them all" +"My son told me we were out of protein powder","I said No whey" +"How do you catch a unique rabbit. Unique up on him. How do you catch a tame rabbit","Tame way, unique up on him" +"What’s a ghost’s favorite pasta","Fettuccine Afraido" +"I'll always respect those who donate testicles","It really does take balls" +"I went into a pet shop and asked for a dozen bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over. You've given me one too many","That one is a freebie" +"Dad, I am cold","Well go stand in the corner, its 90 degrees" +"I think my wife is cheating on me","We're doing the same test and she keeps looking at my paper" +"How does a dog stop a video","It presses the paws button" +"GF is traveling today, couldn't let a good joke go to waste [Joke of the day ](https://i. imgur. com/23dlZ8s","jpg)" +"When","I get naked in the bathroom the shower usually gets turned on." +"My husband is truly becoming a dad. So we're grocery shopping and I picked up a bag of frozen peas. Apparently there was a hole in the bottom and peas went everywhere","I look up at my husband and he says, without missing a God damn beat, honey, quit peeing on the floor" +"Why was 6 afraid of 7. Because 7 ate(8) 9. But why did 7 eat 9","Because you have to eat 3 squared meals a day" +"What's the worst place to hide when you play hide-and-seek at the hospital","The ICU" +"Clock [Wasn't sure if my clock still worked](http://imgur","com/rxDq41w)" +"customer at work set two pennies on the counter customer: how many cars do you see. me: none customer: well i see two lincolns. how many snakes do you see. me: none customer: i see a pair of copperheads here. how many naked ladies do you see. me: none","customer: well yeah, what do you expect for two cents" +"My friend asked me about the process of colonoscopy. Me: forget it","its a pain in the ass" +"Officer I'm arresting you for downloading all of Wikipedia. Me , No, wait","I can explain everything" +"Friend of mine says he's created the best yoga move in the world","Quite a stretch if you ask me" +"We're going out to dinner tonight. My brother asked what we were having","Cue dad: Depends what you order" +"I lost my mood ring, and. I don’t know how","I feel about it." +"If you're sad in Maui, what are you diagnosed as having","A tropical depression" +"When I left home, my mum said don't forget to write I thought that's highly unlikely","It's a basic skill" +"What do you get when you put 8 drill bits together","A drill byte" +"Robin: Hey Batman, the Batmobile won't start Batman: Did you check the battery","Robin: What's a tery" +"Whenever I feel I'm getting sick. I get my immune system drunk, so it thinks it can fight anything","I call it the 'Irish Flu Shot'" +"Done Cheadle made a dad joke on house of lies last night Son to don cheadle: dad, make me a cappuccino, i need the energy for basketball tryouts. Don cheadle to son: (boops him on head) ok, voila, you're a cappuccino","Edit: I accidentally an e in the title" +"What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros","Elephino, but it sure is ugly" +"Two fishes are in a tank. One of them says so how do","I drive this thing" +"How is your day today","Its fine, I'm having a Good Friday" +"How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times","They couldn’t think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight" +"When. I'm single. I go straight to the farm and collect eggs","It's the best place to pick up chicks." +"Mirrors Sitting in a restaurant. Hey that family looks just like ours","Look over, mirror on the wall reflecting the dining room" +"Grammar dad joke One of my friends went up to my Portuguese dad and asked You're Portuguese right. and he said: No I'm Portugoose, there's only one of me","" +"If you say. Awomen after. Amen, you’re","Amoron..." +"If you were to ask me if I knew any jokes about sodium, do you know what I would say","Na" +"Wife: I had a dream that I had ebola. Me: A bowl of what","Wife: A bowl of it's too early for dad jokes" +"Can a bad dinosaur joke make you laugh","You bet jurassic-an" +"Got smacked by this one today I was riding with my coworker today and we passed by a car with the license plate of Wanda3 . I comment wondering where Wanda1 and 2 are","My coworker leans over and says: I wanda *groan*" +"I was writing a story when","I noticed that someone had added soil to my garden “And so the plot thickens...”" +"My uncle asked my dad to help him come up with a way to advertise his new beach resort he's opening up","He said Brochure" +"My. Muslim friend's opticians closed down recently as it wasn't doing well. It was silly of him to call it. Asif","Eyecare" +"That motorcycle has super funny decals","It was a Yamahaha" +"I’m so glad that my moody teenagers are getting into financial planning","They are constantly saying, “Dad, please leave me a loan" +"What do you call a gay mermaid","A h2omosexual" +"What do you call a cow's sensitive genitals","Beef Tenderloin" +"A sneeze walks in to a clothes shop. And the assistant says what are you looking for","The sneeze says a shoe" +"My grandfather had the heart of a lion","And a lifetime ban from the zoo." +"My Mother-in-Law responded to an unsolicited fax with an amazing dad joke. My MiL received [this unsolicited fax](http://i. imgur. com/Ct8lics. jpg) at her office. My wife suggested she should fax something clever back. She [delivered](http://i. imgur. com/QppT0Lr","jpg)" +"what do you call a man who cries when he masturbates","a Tearjerker" +"If being out of shape was a crime, a productive punishment would be to run on a treadmill","It would be a run-on sentence" +"Driving through Iowa. Silence as we pass fields and fields of crops with hay all tied up into nice cylindrical bundles when my dad says, Huh","How's a cow supposed to get a square meal around here" +"Have you got any kittens going cheap","asked a customer in a pet store No, replied the owner, all of our kittens go meow" +"Officer : I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Me : No wait","I can explain everything" +"Do you know why blind people don't skydive","Because it scares the shit out of their dogs" +"What's red and smells like blue paint","Red paint" +"I don’t always roll joints","But when I do it’s usually an ankle" +"I almost got fired from my job at the health shop today","But they let me off with a herbal warning" +"My wife caught me standing on the scale with my stomach sucked in. Ha. She said. That's not going to help. It might","Maybe I'll be able to see the numbers" +"What do you call a charity for uncertainty","Benefit of the doubt" +"I farted in my wallet","Now I have gas money" +"Walking back from lunch with my colleague And she asked Why're we rushin'. I responded What are you talking about","You're Bulgarian" +"I am a chick magnet. #BUT Just the side that repels","*Sad music sounds*" +"Looking for some tools (variation on the stud finder oldie but goodie) Wife asked me to hang up some new wall decorations she picked up. One was a little heavy so I wanted to nail into a couple studs instead of just using drywall anchors. She saw me rooting around in the garage and asked what I was looking for. My stud finder","Wish I could turn it on remotely so it would just find me instead" +"Doing some work in the garage when my dad said this one Dad: We need 10W-30 oil for the lawnmower but it looks like we only have 10W-40. We'll try it, though. Me: What's the difference. Dad: Oh, about ten","Hehe" +"My wife got annoyed of my cat jokes","So she threw meowt of the house" +"Why didn't the witch have any children","Because her husband had a halloweeny" +"My friend hates me She was texting me while working the night shift at a restaurant. This is how the conversation went: Girl: I hate the night shift. I’m so hungry. Me: What. You work at a restaurant. Get something to eat. Girl: I can’t eat on the clock. :( Me: Well don’t eat on a clock, silly","Get a plate" +"I was trying to come up with a joke involving adhesive","But I couldn't think of a tacky punchline" +"What kind of vehicle does Mickey's wife drive","A *minnie*-van" +"What do you call the history of the science of chemistry","Chem-History" +"Theres not a single pastor at my church","They're all married" +"The CEO of Comcast died","There will be no service" +"Are dates good for you. My husband and I were sitting on the couch last night as I was looking up recipes for homemade energy bars, one recipe called for dried dates to add sweetness. My husband asked me Are dates good for you","to which I replied Well I think they definitely help to strengthen a relationship, so yes I got the glare of amused disapproval" +"Dad joked by my boss. I work at a furniture store and my boss is very picky about trash. Dialogue between boss and coworker: Cw: I found this screw, do you want to keep it. B: is it screwed up. Cw: I'm not sure. Boss then takes the screw, points it up and says: Yep. It's screwed up","And throws it in the trash" +"Did you hear about the new broom","It's sweeping the nation" +"Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the street","Because it got stuck in a crack" +"My. Dad's response when. I told him. I was working at a grocery store","What do you do, put bras on chicken breast?" +"My wife got mad at me for kicking ice cubes under the refrigerator","But now it's all water under the fridge" +"What do you call putting a child to sleep","Kidnapping" +"We had a foot of snow outside today","I don’t know who made it or who put it there, but the craftsmanship is amazing" +"What do you call an alligator smoking a cigarette","A fumigator" +"When it comes to shops that don't have social distancing lines. I don't know where","I stand." +"Why can’t a chicken coupe have 4 openings","Because then it would be a chicken sedan" +"Realtalk I asked my dad why he is seeing a shrink","He responded (dead serious): Because I need to be shrunk" +"Grandpa heard my wife got a raise","So now she works on the second floor?" +"Something is odd about my hot stove","I just can't quite put my finger on it" +"What's ET short for","Because he's got small legs" +"Dad joke comics [Werewolf](http://theunderfold. com/2016/07/05/werewolf/) [Spiderman Uncle Ben](http://theunderfold","com/2016/06/07/spider-man-sorry/) All credit to u/theunderfold Love your comics dude" +"My friend says to me “what rhymes with orange","” And I tell her “no it doesn’t" +"I child proofed my house","But the kids kept getting back in" +"What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is, all the time","A widow" +"Poop jokes","I hate it when they're too corny." +"If this joke doesn’t have to do with pachyderms","It’s irrelephant" +"My wife writes great books. People call her. Paige","Turner" +"Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains","King's Crustation" +"Have you heard about the film Constipation","You probably haven't because it's not out yet" +"A son worried about him and his dads relationship Son: hey Dad, I’m feeling really depressed that you started drinking again, I just wish you’d spend more time with me","Dad: hi feeling really depressed that you started drinking again, I just wish you’d spend more time with me, I’m Dad" +"Hindus are so chill","I’ve never had any beef with them" +"Fast Food at Work I was at work today speaking with a few of my coworkers when we start talking about lunch. Two of my coworkers start talking about fast food restaurants they like going to when: CW: I try not to eat fast food, but I really can’t help myself sometimes. Me: I try to eat the slowest food possible, which is why I exclusively eat Tortoises. CW: Well, all of— It took them a couple seconds, but when they all looked at me with that “oh my gosh, you said what","” look, it made it all worth it" +"What do you call a psychic little person that just escaped from prison","A small medium at large" +"My wife insists that I go with her whenever she shops for igneous rock containing quartz and feldspar","Sometimes I think she takes me for granite" +"I Just started my PhD Background: My dad recently retired and has since gotten a new favorite joke that he tells everyone who calls to congratulate him with his retirement. The pun doesn't really work in english(I'm danish), but I thought I would share it anyway. This is how it usually goes: Caller: How are you holding up. are you enjoying your spare time. Dad: I actually just started my pHD Caller: What","Wow Dad: Pensioner every day (In danish It would be: **P**entionist **h**ver **d**ag, hence the PhD) It's not funny at all, but he loves it and tells it to everyone" +"Why did the pizza cross the road. You tell me","(As told by my 3-year-old)" +"Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places","Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then" +"No one,. Literally","No one: 0 23456789" +"My girlfriend and. I watched 3. DVDs back to back. Luckily","I was facing forward" +"My friend is crazy about anime","You might say he is an anime-niac" +"Why don't you play poker in the jungle","Too many cheetahs!" +"Just dad joked my girlfriend Girlfriend: Can you go and put the kettle on","Me: Don't think it'd suit me my darling" +"I talk a lot about incontinency","I just can't hold it in." +"I once pranked my mom and told her that. I had lyme disease","I still had a few ticks up my sleeve" +"Idea for a superhero movie where people who walk into a grocery store get powers,","The title should be “Supermarket”" +"Why do I need my glasses to do math","For division" +"To the guy who stoly my antidepressants","I hope you're happy now" +"I’d like to have a superpower","But I don’t see myself being invisible" +"A wind turbine is sitting in a field. Someone asks it, “What kind of music are you into","” The turbine responds, “I’m a big metal fan" +"Why was the baker more wealthy than the surgeon or the rocket scientist","He was the only one making dough" +"My first TRUE dad joke We are camping at a campground this weekend, and apparently it's clown weekend. As we were pulling into our plot, I looked at my wife who was in the back with my 6 week old daughter and stated This place is a circus","*tear*" +"What‘s the first stage of grief and loss in Egypt","The Nile" +"A police officer was investigating the theft of an attaché","The culprit was quickly found so you could say it was a very brief case" +"How does the moon cut his hair","Eclipse it" +"I had a job drilling holes for water","It was well boring" +"My wife got bit. My wife was showing me that she got bit by something, on her thigh and on her shoulder. I told her I got bit too, while pulling up my shirt. By the love bug. She just turned away from me. I walked up behind her, and whispered in her ear: Those are ant bites on you. You know why they bit you. Because you're so sweet","I think she hurt her neck with how hard she rolled her eyes, and I've already got my pillow and blankets on the couch" +"What do the Nazis eat for breakfast","Luftwaffles" +"Me leaving my parents' house: I'll call you later","My dad: don't call me later, call me dad" +"My son asked me how many people live in South America","At least a Brazilian" +"Hey Dad, did you get a haircut","No, I got all of them cut" +"Cyanide & Happiness #4529, the cure to the dad joke I thought you might appreciate [C&H's recent dad joke comic](http://files. explosm. net/comics/Kris/jokes. png","t=2E5779) :)" +"Whiteboards are just amazing","Truly remarkable" +"Looking for my sister Me: Have you seen my sister","Dad: No, but I read the book" +"My dad was playing Top Trumps with my foster brother it was a top trumps with zoo animals","Brother: ermmm Weight Dad: *no response* Brother: I said weight Dad: What am i waiting for you told me to wait" +"Archaeologists digging in a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts","They believe it is Pharaoh Rocher" +"How many Apples grow on trees","All of them" +"I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldn’t get my gun to fire","Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual" +"Only wanted to eat Me: Is it cool if i microwave something to eat","Dad: No it will be warm then" +"What did the chemist think of Israel","He believed in a two state solution" +"Why do homophobes walk around naked","Because clothes come out of the closet" +"Going to see Guardians of the Galaxy. me: Are we using your car or my car. dad: I don't know. Why. me: Just wondering. dad: *makes a little smirk* Well don't wander off too far","I usually facepalm a few seconds after I say wondering" +"What happened to the steak that fell down","It became ground beef" +"How does a duck fart","Through his buttquack" +"Did you hear the rumor about butter","Never mind I shouldn't spread it" +"I was in swimming and told my kids the fine mist from the water tasted like cranberry juice","because it was Ocean Spray" +"The Lone Ranger woke to see that his tent had blown away by a tornado","He decided, Tonto,we're not in canvas anymore" +"I feel like. I have no control over my body. Everything","I eat goes to shit" +"Where do you find a cow with no legs","Right where you left it" +"What do you call it when someone fell while carrying HCl","An acid trip" +"My dog has a noticeable limp","I'm blaming it on his dad because apparently he has a bad paw" +"As a lumberjack, I love playing pranks in the woods","The trees fall for it all the time" +"Hey man - that kid over there said you were an owl","who" +"I thought I was going to sneeze","I guess snot" +"What did the big chimney say to the little chimney","Your too little to smoke" +"Going out to breakfast this morning I was discussing the new biscuit recipe at Cracker Barrel with my dad. Me: Yeah, I think they changed the price too","Dad: What, you mean it's gonna cost less dough" +"My Dad is going nuts trying to find the last Beatles record that would complete his collection","I think he needs Help" +"My wife was having a stressful day at work and just sent me a text I'm losing my mind","I texted back it's all in your head" +"What do we want. Low Flying airplane noises. When do we want them","Neeeeeeeooooooowww" +"What if you hit your alarm clock one morning and it hits you back","That would be alarming" +"What concert only costs 45 cents. 50 Cent Ft","Nickelback" +"A German walks into a bar and orders a martini The bartender asks, Dry","He replies, Nein, just one" +"Today I saw a an escaped convict dwarf climbing down a wall","I have to tell you, it was a little condescending" +"Almost got fired for this one I work at a pretty busy spot in New Orleans, the French quarter to be exact. People coming in and leaving an item they brought with them happens a lot after a few beers. This one guy leaves a chair and in half an hour he comes back for it. Chair Guy Excuse me sir, did I leave a chair here. Me What do you think this is pal. Some kind of CHAIR-ITY. If his eyes could roll anymore then they already were, they would have rolled out of his head","Chair guy get me your manager right now Me Now that's not very CHAIR-ITABLE of you either Edit: Thank you for the gold kind stranger, you are very CHAIR-ITABLE, for popping my gold CHAIR-Y" +"Came up with this one myself","I want to open an Vietnamese/Italian Restaurant It'll be called Pho-Geddaboutit (Fu-geddaboutit)" +"Where does Benedict Arnold shop for groceries","Traitor Joe's" +"My aunt taught me to do religious scenes in needlepoint when i was young","they were all cross-stitched" +"What do you call a chicken starring at lettuce","Chicken sees a salad" +"My wife asked me to make chicken parm","I told her I didn't have the thyme" +"I barely won the limbo contest","There was stiff competition" +"What did one ocean say to the other","Nothing, they just waved" +"I can cut down trees just by looking at them","I saw it with my own two eyes" +"Don't become an archaeologist","Their lives are all in ruins." +"I was gonna make a joke about Sodium. But Na, all the good ones Argon Hahaha. I slapped my Neon that one. Do you wanna hear one about Potassium. No","K, I'll show myself out, then" +"Future wife pulled this one on me. Me (hanging up phone) : They just canceled my appointment to the doctors","Future Wife (with a shit eating grin): Well that's a disappointment" +"More Cemetery jokes needed Drove past a cemetery today. Kid in back seat, wife in front. I said Look. people are dying to get in there . Then, that is the dead centre of town . & as always the Council says you cannot be buried there if you live within 5 miles of that cemetery Wife stated . you need new cemetery jokes","Help" +"It's so big. (NSFW) My SO really wanted to make [this video](https://youtu. be/4LU_xCgP5jU) on that cold and windy night","and so we did" +"What do 80’s sheep listen to","Baa-Ha" +"I placed an online order for a chicken and an egg","I’ll let you know" +"Whoever created zero","Thanks for nothing" +"“Son, please don’t start playing the drums again","” “If you do, there will be repercussions" +"How do you quietly approach a one-of-a-kind animal","Unique up on it" +"Hey dad, can I stay up late on a school night to play Street Fighter","Shoryuken" +"Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:","Apply daily." +"What is Atheism. A Non-Prophet Organization","Sorry if repost, delete if I didn't catch that it was from the sub" +"I don't often tell dad jokes","But when I do, he laughs" +"I'm amazed Reddit There are now over a million subs for this silly, corny, beautiful feed of dad jokes. Link to PROOF: http://imgur. com/ksprvA1 A million subs is a big number. If we put a million subs end to end, we'd be able to reach a very small part of the way around the Earth. Double that if they were foot long subs, and we'd make it all the way around and more if they were the kind of subs that go under water. That's why I'm amazed. Well done everyone on being amazing dads with amazing dad jokes","No matter what kind of dad you are - inside expected dad norms or outside - keep the world laughing and shaking their head" +"How excited does spring make gardeners","They wet their plants" +"I know it's you, going around, stealing enclosures","Whether I'm right or wrong, please don't take a fence" +"Why did the Easter egg hide","Because he was a little chicken" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When the joke becomes apparent" +"How many pennies does it take to make a dollar","A dollars worth" +"Why do cows have hooves instead of feet","They lactose" +"You could say that getting addicted to skiing","is a slippery slope" +"My 9 year old's favourite joke. how does Darth Vader like his toast","On the dark side" +"I was able to make my first dad joke yesterday. I was so proud, my wife thought it was stupid. https://imgur","com/a/yeqUH" +"My wife hates me for my terrible sense of direction","One day, I got so sick of her shit that I packed up my things and right" +"Why is music round. Because otherwise it would b flat","Compliments of my 6th graders band instructor" +"At dinner last night. I was at dinner with my family at an Italian restaurant and the waitress said, Here is some extra virgin olive oil for your bread. And then my dad said, can I get something with a little more experience","My dad's thick accent did not help, the poor girl couldn't tell it was a joke" +"I've always got on well with my dog. Problem is, she only responds to commands in Spanish","She's Espanyol" +"What sound does an Icelandic dog make","Björk Björk" +"Lightning","I was thinking about lightning then all of a sudden it struck me!" +"Dad joked my sister yesterday. She was watching TV and I asked her what was on, she said, New Girl. I said, What happened to the old one","She groaned" +"Got dad joked at work today","While emptying someone's catheter bag he says 'are you taking the piss'" +"It all","Title says it all" +"I asked. Ryu if i could learn martial arts at his level yesterday. He said: “Suuuuureee","YOU can!”" +"Don't use shampoo","It has poo in it" +"What’s a Christmas present’s favorite sport","Boxing" +"What do you call a salad that has been stabbed 23 times","Caesar salad" +"With all the upsetting news in the world today, here's something to cheer you up","something" +"How do Kleenex dance","They put a little boogie in it" +"(Joke only works in tourist areas of NYC ) Tourist: hey you do know where the subway is","Dad: I haven’t eaten there in years" +"My 4 month old daughter just got a shot in each leg","Poor thing is so traumatized, I don't think she'll be walking on them for months" +"Two atoms are walking down the street. One of them says, Oh shoot, I've lost my electron. The other atom asks, Are you sure","The first atom replies, Yes, I'm *positive" +"A friend of mine got his son with an eye-roller He was helping his son (7th grade) with some Pre-Algebra homework: Dad: What does 5Q+5Q equal. Son: 10Q. Dad: You're welcome. Anytime","The eye-roll was strong with that one" +"What's a ghost's favorite lunch meat","Boologna (from Ed,Edd, and Eddy)" +"My roommate is Geology Major Roommate I have been studying these three pages of notes on geological formations. It's so tedious. Me Yes, but, would you say that the information is rock solid","My girlfriend was visibly upset" +"In a cafe, I just saw a dad walk up to a girl on a ladder taking down Christmas decorations","Are you supposed to be working when you're high" +"I dont think I could ever date a masseuse","They're too kneady" +"So a photon gets on a plane and the stewardess asks him if he has any luggage. And he says no,","I'm traveling light." +"Last night I dreamt that I was swimming in orange soda","Turns out it was just a Fanta sea" +"Why isn't the candle factory more profitable","Because they only make scents" +"My wife has begged me to stop making police related puns. I said, O","I'll give it arrest" +"A dads' greatest joke","His child" +"I think I was dad joked by my 6th grade Korean student. I'm teaching English in Korea and we were practicing the expression how do you say X in Y in class today. Student - How do you say 미안해 (mi-an-hae) in English. Me - I'm sorry","Student - That's OK" +"Why do native Americans hate snow","It's white and settles on their land" +"What is an inspirational speaker's blood type","B+" +"I recently started reading a book about anti-gravity","I can't seem to put it down" +"I was going to make a joke about the unemployed","but I couldn’t find one that worked" +"What do you call a monkey in a minefield. Rhesus","Pieces!" +"CNN Dad Jokes Me and my father were watching CNN and they were talking about the ISIS beheadings. My step mother was getting quite heated about the coverage and my father went Woah woah woah, it's nothing to lose your head over","Brilliant" +"I don't like or dislike manual transmission vehicles","You could say i'm neutral" +"To whoever took my. Office 365 product key. I will find you, you have my","Word." +"Which birds like to stick together","Vel-crows" +"My girlfriend is handling the death of her fish very well","She told me I think he is ofishally dead" +"so I heard that there's a new broom out","Apparently it's sweeping the nation" +"What do you call a nose with no hair. A nose, dummy. Courtesy of my 7yo daughter","Such pride" +"I recently got rid of my vacuum cleaner","All it was doing is gathering dust" +"What do you call a chicken with a wand and a hat","A Ma-chicken" +"If a cop pulls over a U-Haul","Is he trying to bust a move" +"Driving to the beach with the fiancé. She walked right into it We were discussing a friend of ours who just had a child. We had been discussing future baby names. Her: If we have a girl what should we name her. Thoughts. Me: I don't know, Thoughts seems like a weird name to me","" +"Not a dad yet, but I'm training. Telling my friends that my backseats recline. Hey you can lean back your chair","If you feel so inclined There was silence" +"I love to smother my burger with lots of chunky tomato, onion and garlic condiment","I really relish it" +"Betting on the man jumping off a ledge Two clowns were watching the late evening news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump. The station then cut to a commercial. The first clown said, “I bet you $20 he’s going to jump. ” The second clown replied  “Okay, it’s a bet. ” (*Back to newscast*. ) The man jumped. The second clown, being a good sport, pulled out a twenty dollar bill and handed it to the other clown. “Okay. Here’s my $20. ” However, the first clown refused, saying “No, I can’t take it. ” The second clown replied, “I insist. I lost the bet fair and square. ” The first clown said, “I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6:00 news and knew he jumped. So it wasn’t really a fair bet. ” But the second clown replied, “I know. I saw the same newscast. But I didn’t think he would be stupid enough to jump twice. ” &#x200B; [http://bestcleanfunnyjokes. com/betting-on-the-man-jumping-off-a-ledge/](http://bestcleanfunnyjokes","com/betting-on-the-man-jumping-off-a-ledge/)" +"WW2 vet grandpa jokes (xpost IAmA) http://www. reddit. com/r/IAmA/comments/3cudy0/iama_95_yr_old_ww2_vet_43rd_navy_construction/csz6dyc","context=1" +"Why did the. Mexican take anti anxiety medication. For","Hispanic attacks" +"There are 2 types of people in this world: 1","Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data" +"Needed a rest, so I went to the fracture clinic","Turns out it was a good place for a break" +"I was doing the dishes then SpongeBob came on","Now the house is soaking wet" +"I texted my wife today saying, I love u. She replied, Oh, really",":~) I said, Yes, it's my favourite vowel" +"One of my coworkers told me they had blood drawn","I asked if it was in pencil or crayon" +"Apparently my sister is a dad. Out on the lake today, my cousin yells from the water Do we have any sunscreen on the boat. My sister says I don't think the boat needs any sunscreen. She laughed","She laughed a lot" +"What's more effective than a heat-seeking missile","A heat-seeking hittle" +"D: Son, wake up real early on your birthday. There's going to be a historic event. What kind of event","D: The dawn of a new age" +"What do you call a shrimp that keeps getting hurt","Accident prawn" +"Got home after a big night at the pub and my wife wanted to know if I was drunk. I didn't drink a. a lot. of beer, I lied. Hmm, she said quizzically. How many fingers","I said, None, only beer" +"A long joke but it's worth reading","JJJJJJJJJooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeee" +"What's Irish and sits on the porch all day","Patty O'Funiture" +"Automatic response from my dad when I would say, Really","No, artificially" +"Have you considered using an alternative name for Hell","I Heaven't" +"Somebody walked in on a cashier telling freshly picked coffee beans Yo' Mama Jokes","He was roasting them" +"Got a big grant today. Wife is awesome, had brownies in the oven for me when I got home. [Nailed it](http://imgur","com/ghZnEqP)" +"What do you call dental x-rays","Tooth pics" +"A joke from my dad My dog had rolled around on our carpet, making her hair stand up. I said something about her having an electric charge","Dad: I guess that means we'll have to keep our ION her" +"Daaad, can we please go now. I'm thirsty. ***HI THIRSTY, I'M FRIDAY, COME ON OVER SATURDAY AND WE'LL HAVE A SUNDAE","*** Come on dad I didn't even get that one until I was like 14" +"My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight","I had to explain to him that I was married now and that's where I sleep" +"I asked my dad if I could borrow some money","He handed me a penny and said, It's the least I can do" +"My neighbor kept stealing my stuff, so. I put up a barrier","I just hope he doesn't take a fence" +"I knew what apple juice tasted like before I even tried it","I had in-cider information" +"The alligator that works at my store is always getting people in trouble","He's a real in-store-gator!" +"An Asian friend told me, The nail that sticks out gets hammered down","He hit the nail on the head" +"A scottish man was found dead after a serious bar fight","The police are still searching for the person who kilt him" +"I told a joke about hemorrhoids in a hospital the other day","It didn't sit well with some of the patients" +"Dad and Son Team Dinner guest: So last night I was watching a PBS documentary on Mars. Father and Son simultaneously: Wow. How did you get back","(fist bump)" +"Did you know if you break a mirror you get more mirrors","Let us reflect on this" +"I was walking through a rope store","All the ropes i saw were boring until i saw one that took my breath away" +"Hey girl are you a triangle","Cause you're acute" +"What do you call a French guy attacked by a cat. CLAUDE","😂😂" +"Got my girlfriend in the car today. We had just parked after lunch and she wasn't budging to get out of the car so I got my camo blanket from the backseat and pretended I was sleeping. She then proceeded to try and take a picture. Her: I can't see you. *referring to the sun making shadows around my face* Me: that's because I'm camouflaged","I could hear her eyes rolling" +"What do you call a sunburn in France","French fry" +"What's your secret for being so grounded","Gravity" +"While having dinner last night, my daughter looked up at me and asked, Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right. Proudly, I replied, Yes, my little princess, yes I am","She continued, That's because mommy put you in charge, right" +"My grandpa's finest moment I'm out to dinner with my family and my grandpa starts sniffling a bit. So he pulls out one of his super old patterned handkerchiefs and says my nose keeps running . He then quickly grabs his nose, handkerchief in hand and yells got it. super loud in the restaurant were at. While he's laughing at his own joke he goes that's funny right there and keeps laughing and partially retelling the joke","I'm proud to be his grandson" +"You walk into a bathroom American and you come out American, what are you in the bathroom","European" +"Nothing really mathers Son: Sometimes I feel like nothing really mathers Father: Nothing really mathers Son: What do you","Father: NOTHING REALLY MATHERS" +"Dad joked my mom today. Me: didn't uncle Floyd own a dairy farm. Mom: It was his parents but they sold it for around 3 million dollars. Me: Wow, thats a real cash cow","*Dad begins laughing from the other room*" +"What do you call a can opener that doesn't work","A can't opener" +"Daughters first job http://imgur","com/mB42ltL x-post from r/unexpected" +"What do you call a backwards somersault","A wintersault" +"What do you call a cow with no legs","Ground beef" +"I just went to a Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous meet up","and boy, did I see a lot of new faces" +"People said this sub was really good","WTH guys, I can't even eat this -_-" +"I got a new bird that's always playing pranks so","I decided to join in as toucan play this game" +"A blind man walks into a bar. and a table.","and some chairs" +"I made my first dad joke today My wife left me with our three month old to do some shopping","About an hour later she asked how it was going and I told her I put our child in baby jail because she was resisting a rest" +"Okay I'll bite","I'm sick of choking on my food" +"I wrote a poem for my reflection, and when I showed it to him","he took it the wrong way" +"You heard of that new band 1023MB","They're good but they haven't got a gig yet" +"If you ride a bike once, then ride it again is that recycling","(My dad's joke)" +"Anyone have good dad facts. Blatantly obvious fact but delivered in a way that they are expected to show insight. Ex: You ever see the birds flying in a V. Do you know why one side of the V is longer than the other","Because there are more birds on the longer side" +"A lot of puns I didn't know why the baseball was getting bigger. And then it hit me. I'm know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. I didn't know where the boomerang went. And then it came to me. Did you hear about the guy who's left arm was cut off. He's all right now. I didn't like my beard. And then it grew on me. I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the blue. I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need. Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box. Why did the scarecrow win an award. Because he was outstanding in his field. Nope. Unintended. **Hope this made your day","** If I get a lot of upvotes I'll make Part 2" +"Why was the wizard's girlfriend always covered in Hickey's","Because he's a neck romancer" +"Too early for dad jokes. Mom: Holy Crap. That's a lot of crepes. Dad: Holy Crepes. *Looks around for approval* but is only greeted with disappointing looks Brother(w/ crepes): Really. Dad follows up with: You know what my favorite joke is. Say knock knock. Brother: Knock knock. Dad: Who's there","Brother: *Confused Look followed by yet another look of disapproval* Me: What is wrong with you" +"Why did the scarecrow get a promotion","He was outstanding in his field" +"So son, what are you doing right now. Me: Not much dad, just playing a little guitar. Dad: Oh you mean like a ukelele.","Spent 5 minutes straight laughing to himself" +"Groans from the Student Council For Easter, the student council at my high school hides several thousand plastic eggs and has an egg hunt easter weekend. After we finished hiding them, we had a meeting","I told everyone we did a shell of a job this year" +"I've been oblivious for about 11 years. So in about 2004 (when I was 8) there was a building in my town being built called 'Soul' and every time my dad would see it he would say, Ahhhh, Soul","It wasn't until two days ago that I finally realized what he was saying" +"What do you call a Patrick with poor balance","Swayze" +"We don't even live in. Russia. Friend:. Picks up bread, retches in disgust and throws in trash. Me:. What just happened. Friend:. There was bare mold on that bread. Me:","That's why you don't let bears near your bread" +"Getting p(irate) What's a pirates favourite letter. What's a pirates second favourite letter. What's a pirates least favourite letter","Dear Mr Pirate, we regret to inform you that due to improper acquirement of docking paperwork your ship has been seized" +"How did the man feel when he put too much sauce on his rice","He was over soyed" +"I made a crude joke about rotten food","It was in terrible taste" +"I dropped my phone and found it under an oak","I guess the Apple doesn't fall far from the tree" +"My dad found the label maker. http://imgur","com/KQk7oyH" +"I hate dad jokes","Actually that couldn't be father from the truth" +"New Russian Computer I've just been trying to set up my new Russian Computer. I typed in my password Beef Stew but an error message came up","‘Password not stroganoff’" +"Not a dad, but I laughed at my own joke for at least 5 minutes. Walking out of a hardware store with my friend he sees a new Coke brand refrigerator. He says, My dad tried to get one like that but he couldn't find one. They don't sell them to just anyone I immediately responded, Yeah you've gotta be a coke dealer Laughing ensued on my part all the way home while he just looked at me like I betrayed him","I'm assuming that means it was a perfect dad joke" +"The sweetest thing you can do for your partner is lose a tennis match to them by not scoring a single point","That’s love" +"Friend just got his B. in Seismology","But he can't find a job, guess you can say that his career is off to a shaky start" +"One of my friends slipped in the bed of his truck and knocked himself out","He fell in Tacoma" +"A helium atom walks into a bar. The bartender says we don't serve nobles here","The helium atom does not react" +"When talking to my girlfriend about wedding dates Me: Let's do it on the 12th, I want to be able to say, 'I got my diploma one week, and my wife the next. ' Her: I don't want to have the two events so close together, you can just say 'two weeks later","' Me: It just doesn't have the same ring to it, but I guess it's still the same ring to you" +"I was on the bus this morning","Then the bus driver yelled “Get down from there!”" +"Dadjoked by my mum We were driving and my mum pulled this on me. Me: I passed that car earlier","Mum: did it hurt" +"Ladies. Destroy the patriarchy with this one simple trick. Next time a man tells you to make him a sandwich, just say Poof. You're a sandwich","Patriarchy can only be destroyed with dad jokes" +"How can you distinguish a dogwood from other trees","By the Bark" +"What's the strongest cereal. [what's the strongest cereal. ](http://m. imgur","com/e3MvqPL)" +"I work at a bank, sometimes it's fun to mess with people. People often come up to me with their debit card and ask: is there any money on my card. To which I respond, no. , without pulling up their accounts. When they look at me with a confused face I give them their card back with a penny set on top of it. There. Now there is money on your card","" +"It certainly ruffled some feathers I am a math teacher to high schoolers and we were going over 2d and 3d shapes. I started to draw random pictures of birds using the shapes and ended up with a toucan picture. So I made the bird say if I can do it, Tu-can too. which was a double joke because most of the kids speak Spanish and I spelled it as 'tu' which means 'you'. I got so many groans and wow Mrs","Acinomismonica so I could tell they thought it was an egg-cellent joke" +"Here's a pretty good one","One" +"My wife would make an excellent seismologist","because she's so good at fault finding" +"How was the firing squad","It was mindblowing" +"What's the difference between a dad joke and a pun","A dad joke always goes a little bit father" +"My son just became a father for the first time today…. And in passing on the paternal torch, when he asked me where. I kept all my dad jokes,","I told him…they were stored in my dadabase.…" +"I tried to use a belt to make a watch wrist band","It was a waist of time" +"Text conversation with my dad. Dad: What are you having for dinner. Me: Not a clue. Dad: Yeah, clues don't taste good","Oh, dad" +"Egypt is a great place to swim Don't believe me","You must be in deNile" +"I tried catching some fog today","I mist" +"I don’t buy anything that has velcro on","I think that it’s an absolute rip-off" +"My friends call me a mushroom 'cause","I'm a fungi" +"So. I just stumbled across a bunch of videos made by a potato. So far he's my favorite","YouTuber" +"What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo","One really likes water and the other not so much" +"What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt","A crop-toptometrist" +"I burned 2,000 calories yesterday","Left the brownies in the oven too long" +"I visited a haunted hotel in. France","It gave me the crepes" +"When she says she's into daddy kink Hey I'm kinky, wanna play","Hi kink, I'm dad" +"I’m a huge women’s rights activist","Size shouldn’t matter" +"Why is Trump not worried about stress from being investigated causing him to lose his hair","(OC) Because he is so over-Comey" +"I never make mistakes…. I thought. I did once; but","I was wrong." +"I don't know why, but I really don't like shoes","I just can't help looking down on them" +"What does Arnold Schwarzenegger do for work nowadays","He's an Ex-Terminator" +"I was out walking the dogs today, and a friend asked me if they were Jack Russells . Nah","they're mine, I said" +"This morning I was complaining to my girlfriend the my contact was bothering me","without pause she looked up and said Better keep and eye on it" +"Why do you never see whales hiding in trees","because they are *really* good at it" +"Getting Coffee So my girlfriend calls me this morning and tells me she's on her way over, I tell her cool and ask if she can grab some coffee on the way, She says yeah no problem. Ten. Minutes later called me back and tells me she drank some of the coffee, I say wtf why don't you get your own, she responds. Too Latte. -","-" +"People love it when I come to sports events on a hot summer day. Know why","Because I’m a big fan" +"What's a pirate's favorite programming language","R (rrrrrr) ^please laugh" +"I wanted to go to a debate about tea","but it boiled over" +"I accidentally ate some food coloring today","The doctor says I’m fine but I feel like I dyed a little inside" +"Why did the turkey cross the road","To prove he wasn’t chicken" +"Coworker got me the other day Me: Hey how big is that thumbdrive","coworker: about an inch and a half, i'd say /groan" +"Why do golfers carry around an extra pair of pants","In case they get a hole in one" +"People often ask me if I know my Civil War era historical figures","My response is usually General Lee" +"Get off of Reddit","You've been on it all year" +"He was SO proud of himself for this. http://imgur","com/bWMi1Rp dad stahp you're embarrassing me" +"How do I ask an awkward question without embarrassing myself","Asking for a friend" +"The last four letters of queue aren’t silent","Because then it would be Qsilent" +"I got a new touch screen. TV","It isn't even remotely entertaining" +"Why did the Bad AV tech make a bad cop","He had trouble shooting" +"Dad got me and my mom pretty good We had just seen the elephants at the San Diego Zoo. He made sure we had his attention before he began. Have you ever seen a one eared elephant. , his execution flawless. No . He then took one of the pockets of his shorts and turned it inside out","He was crying when we figured it out" +"My son: “Oh. I could read my book","” Me (shouting from another room): “That’s a novel idea" +"When I think about all the boobs I’ve touched over the course of my life","It’s like a trip down mammary lane" +"When my dad was trying to teach me the periodic table. Dad- How do you get a gold bar's attention","Au" +"What do you get when you put a vest on an alligator","An investigator" +"How does the Easter bunny stay in shape","Lots of eggs-ercise" +"What did diahrrea say to poop. You're in shape","(Compliments of my 9 year old" +"I recently lost my job as a chef for stealing utensils. It was a whisk","I was willing to take" +"Which vegetable is kind of cool","Radish" +"What are a hipster's favorite headphones","Beets, they were listening to them when they were still underground" +"I haven't slept in 4 days","I sleep at night." +"Purchased a cherry and a microphone","Bought a bing, bought a boom" +"Want to hear a joke about planes","Never mind it will go over your head" +"My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight","I had to explain to him that I was married now and that's where I sleep" +"Started on Sesame Street The dad joke is [here](http://imgur","com/TFTLMQW)" +"How do avocados communicate","With 'guac'ie-talkies" +"Why is the common guitarfish sad","It is not a bass" +"What did the mountain climber name his son","Cliff" +"Why is 'The Lord of the Rings' so long","Because no one ever stops Tolkieng" +"I used to work at a fire hydrant factory","I could never find a place to park!" +"I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday. I guess","I wasn’t putting in enough shifts" +"A collection of pickup lines for all dads out there. Just don't use any of [these pickup lines](https://www. google. es/search","q=line+of+pickups+trucks&client=firefox-b-ab&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiL_NSzuI7TAhULGBQKHYNCC4gQ_AUICCgB&biw=1760&bih=868#imgrc=SsOfL6jXnNXg7M:) around your wives" +"What does a Shakespeare character do when they’re dirty","They take a macbath" +"How do you catch a unique kookaburra","U-nique up on him" +"My wife dumped me so. I stole her wheelchair","Guess who’s crawling back to me" +"Just got home and my kids have lice","What a lousy day" +"An Australian woman marries a bridge. My coworkers were discussing [this story](http://www. huffingtonpost. com/2013/07/03/jodi-rose-marries-bridge-_n_3542775. html) and one of them asked Why would a woman marry a bridge. That doesn't even make sense","My reply: Well, Michael, bridges are very supportive Huge laugh, best dad joke to date" +"Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night","It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show" +"So Bert and Ernie are walking down the street. Bert turns to Ernie and asks “want to get some ice cream","” “Sure Bert" +"How might you describe sex on a camping trip","Fucking intense" +"Why was the old man reading a newspaper instead of just using his smartphone","He was behind the Times" +"Did some grocery shopping with my wife today. While looking at a family pack of chicken. Me: How do they know they were related. Wife: Who. Me: The chickens","It says they were a family" +"What do you call an alligator in a vest","An investagator" +"How does an attorney sleep","&#x200B; First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other" +"Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk","The stock market" +"Knock knock","You're about to throw a rod" +"My girlfriend and I have been together for 10 years, but I never heard her tell a single joke","We are in a very serious relationship" +"My friend was dad joked by his 5 year old daughter. 5yr old: Hey daddy do you know why you don't give Elsa a ballon. Friend: Why. 5yr old: Because she'll LET IT GOO","LET IT GOOO" +"My Girlfriend is the best. She has beautiful long black hair, flowing half way down her back. Not on her head but half way down her back. Her teeth are so even. 1, 3, 5, and 7 are missing. At night I would take her into the corn field and kiss her between the ears. One night it was extremely foggy outside and I mist. Basically, you could tell she was a farmers daughter because it was hard to a tractor Sometimes I call her (knob) because she is one to adore. Even wrote her a song entitled How can I love you if you never go away The best","" +"My dad said this after I told him the story about how I got stung by a bee after I found it in my shoe","That must have created quite a buzz" +"Time for Golf Puns. But whatever fore. A little birdie told me golf puns are a great way to make friends, so I thought I might as well join the club. I had to wedge myself into a car to get there, and boy did I realize the irony of doing so when I met the driver. He handed me a bunch of donuts, and I was so happy, there was a hole in one. When I got to the club, the driver kept telling me he had to put the car into par for it to stop moving. So I got of of the car and walked through the door only to realize that my driver had ditched me. Talk about rough right. Anyway, thats all the golf puns I have for now, say for this last one","Tee-hee" +"Son Made Dad Joke Last night my kid pulled a dad joke on me. It went like this. Playing Monopoly. Wife: Your mad that your dad cheated. Kid: Yeah. Wife: I lived with him for 20 years. Kid: Yeah. Well","I lived with him all my life" +"Have you heard the joke about the robot that repairs elevators","It works on so many levels" +"I have a pen that can write underwater","It can write other words too" +"Spring is here but I can't plant flowers yet","I haven't botany" +"What do you call a family member that sleeps too much","A napkin" +"AND THE AWARD FOR THE BEST NECKWEAR IS. oh","it's a tie" +"Why is it wasteful to eat a clock","Because it's time consuming" +"Thanks for teaching me the definition of Earth","It means the world to me" +"A son asks his dad: “Dad, why do you like fishing so much. ” And the dad replies, “Oh I don’t know","Just for the halibut" +"My wife says I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid. Jokes on her","I can stop whenever I like" +"If you wear cowboy clothes,","Are you ranch dressing." +"What do you call mythical cheese","Legend dairy" +"*sigh* I posted a text my dad sent me yesterday. Here: https://www. reddit. com/r/dadjokes/comments/3qpujg/this_text_from_my_dad/ This just happened: Me: hey dad my reddit post of your text is at 630 upvotes now Dad: That's awesome. Keep me posted","Me: *sighs* and walks away" +"What do you call a cheap circumcision. A","Rip-off" +"I don't feel comfortable,","I only feel comforchair." +"Why didn't the Indian baker make sourdough bread","It's a naan starter" +"What do you call a good breakfast","Omelet you know in a little bit" +"My golf course gave me an award and sign for my own place to park, but people keep taking my spot","It just doesn’t pay to be Par King" +"10 years ago today, I married my best friend","My wife is still angry about it but me & Dave were drunk and thought it was hilarious" +"DAD JOKES ARE NOT DIRTY. Go post NSFW jokes somewhere else. If I can't tell my kids this joke, then it is not a DAD JOKE. If you feel it's appropriate to share NSFW jokes with your kids, that's on you. But a real, true dad joke should work for anyone's kid. Mods. If you exist. Please, stop this madness. Rule #6 should simply not allow NSFW or (wtf) NSFL tags. Also, remember that MINORS browse this subreddit too. Why put that in rule #6, then allow NSFW. Please consider changing rule #6. I love this sub, but the recent influx of NSFW tagged posts that get all the upvotes, just seem wrong when there are good solid DAD jokes being overlooked because of them","Thank you, A Dad" +"If procrastination was an. Olympic sport,","I would participate in the next one." +"I don't always tell dad jokes but when. I do,","He laughs." +"My boss at lunch today Breakfast served all day","I don't have time for that" +"How many ears did Davy Crockett have","His left ear, his right ear, and the wild frontier" +"What's right and wrong at the same time","The shoe I just tried to put on my left foot" +"Actual Dad Joke - my pilot dad's favorite My dad was a fighter pilot in WWII. He always claimed that most folks have no idea what the real purpose of a propeller is. They're thrown off by the name. The purpose is not really for propulsion. It's to keep the pilot cool. He claimed that he could prove it","Just turn it off and watch the pilot start to sweat" +"Whoever stole my antidepressants,","I hope you're happy now." +"My father in law stands corrected He posted this on Facebook yesterday: I noticed that when I stood I leaned slightly to the left. My wife insisted that I go to the doctor, against my will. He diagnosed my left leg slightly shorter than my right. Adding insoles to my shoe cured me. Debbie reminded me how I doubted her about going to the doctor","I replied, I stand corrected" +"Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten. Kristen: Sure","Christen: thank you Kris: Anytime" +"The only thing flat-earthers have to fear","Is sphere itself" +"Spring is here","I'm so excited I wet my plants" +"How do you stop a bull from charging","You unplug it" +"Nurse asked pops if she could take his vitals","Only if you give them back" +"A friend asked me, What rhymes with orange","I said, No, it doesn't" +"So I drove pass a nice cemetery with my kids, and I told them","You know, a lot of people would just die to get into there" +"Can a ninja attack you from long range","Shuriken" +"A guy at a cookout said, Putting fancy cheese on your hamburger is a woman thing to do. Me: Hey, that's not a gouda thing to say. My soon to be father in law laughed and said, That was a good one","It made me feel like a parmanent member of the family" +"My friend threatened to turn me into the police for bludgeoning his wife to death with a. Super. Nintendo. So","I had to console him as well." +"Checking out in a liqour stor ewith my dad. Cashier asks, 'Would you like a bag for the wine. And right on cue. Nah, I'll drink it on the drive home Every","Time" +"I hate staircases,","They're always up to something." +"What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants","One's a crusty bus station, and the other's a busty crustacean" +"My dad is a math genius. I was talking with my (Texan) father when he pulled this one on me: Math is wrong. They always say pi r^2 . That's wrong. How so. Pi are round","Cornbread are square" +"Why were the Romans so bad with algebra","They always ended up with X equals 10" +"I went to the urologist today. The receptionist asked me to pee in a cup, I told her that I didn't think I would be able to since I just peed before my visit","A couple minutes later, I handed her the cup back and proudly stated, URINE LUCK" +"My girlfriend says to me , I think I lost about ten pounds. I said to her, Look behind you","And that's when the fight started" +"I just bought a new goose, but it's massive","It is truly humongoose" +"Did you hear about the guy who lost the entire left side of his body","It was pretty grusome, but he's all right now" +"Did you hear about the farmer who spent his whole stimulus check on baby chickens","He got his money for nothing and his chicks for free" +"I love. Low. Power. Mode","It’s a real life-saver" +"How does an astronaut quiet a crying baby","They rocket" +"Clean Joke My Dad just got me with this. My two brothers and I were in his room discussing where to go for lunch and I made a dumb joke about one of the places. My Dad didn't hear the joke and kept saying go take a shower so we can go and i said let me tell you this joke first","His response I only listen to clean jokes" +"Oldest kid finally got me with this one Dad, if you took a picture of me and put it in a locket, would I be independent. Took me a second","So glad I passed my sense of humour on properly" +"Garbage day tomorrow Time to set the garbage cans to the curb, and, of course it's cold and very windy. This is the best dadjoke I could come up with, and my daughter bested me at my own game. Me: It's so windy, I refuse to take out the garbage. She: That's just trashy","What a waste" +"What do you call a marine mammal in a vat of dark blue paint","A navy seal" +"In this election year, I'm buying shorter socks","I don't want two support crews" +"Why doesn’t Golden Retrievers catch the balls you throw for them","They’re only retrievers" +"My grandpa says he's going in the door repair business","He read in the paper that all the businesses will have busted doors tomorrow" +"Awhile ago my roomate moved out, i was cleaning his old room when","I stumbled upon a fake mustache in a box under his bed, when i asked him about it he replied: “You finally found it, my secret stache”" +"So you know how they're making a Tetris movie","Well, it's going to be a blockbuster" +"A nickname for money is bread because when","I'm kneading it there never is enough dough" +"My girlfriend just dropped this one on me while I was putting up a poster What do you call a person who gives money to a thumb tack","*me thinking hard for a few seconds* A taxpayer I almost stabbed myself" +"Norse gods and goddesses share juicy gossip often and they've gotta keep it","Loki." +"Cain could have been a good guy,. If only he were","Abel too." +"My mom may be a dad My mom just mentioned that she was going to go hop in the shower, then caught herself","Well, I guess I'm going to stand in the shower" +"How do you get in contact with a Greek architect","You column" +"A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff","Ba dum tsss" +"Singing French Knights In the Middle Ages, Western France was known for it singing knights. The most famous group were a bunch of lancers from the town of Brittany","They were known as the Brittany Spears" +"I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda. It was a","Fanta sea." +"I went to the doctor complaining of a weak back. Doctor asked me how long I had it","I said, Oh, since about a week back" +"What time did the man go to the dentist","Tooth hurt-y" +"Whats the difference between a well dressed man on a bike vs a scruffy looking man on a tricycle","Attire" +"For plumbers","a flush beats a full house" +"If your judge at your trial has a habit of rambling on,","Be prepared for a long sentence." +"Why did the old lady fall in the well","She couldn't see that well" +"Guy made an awesome party entrance with a cheesy dadjoke My friend had a truck on his lawn full of firewood for the bonfire planned for later in the party. This guy who just arrived walks into the kitchen and says, Hey, you know you've got a truck growing outta your lawn. My friend replies, Yeah, I planted a couple GMC emblems and it just sprouted up. The guy, without a moment's hesitation says. Damn, that's a real bumper crop","Everyone in the kitchen died laughing and the guy, who didn't really know anyone there, instantly became the centre of the party" +"Dad, why are we having fish for dinner","Just for the Halibut" +"My annoying coworker asked, Can I tell you my favorite rope tie","I said, Kenyan knot" +"Why was the escape artist late for dinner","He got tied up at work" +"My daughter dropped her pill and it landed on my foot","I said don't worry hun, you're a foot closer to taking it" +"Why did the scarecrow win an award","Because he was outstanding in his field" +"Which room in a house is always moving","The walk in closet" +"Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer","Her coach was a pumpkin and she was always running away from the ball" +"A man is hospitalized after having sex with a horse","He was last reported as being in stable condition" +"A guy took the airline to court for his lost luggage","He lost his case" +"I like my whiskey like my marriage","On the rocks" +"What is the definition of ‘a net’","Holes tied together with string" +"I don't like drinking coffee","It's not my cup of tea" +"My dad ventured into the pantry today. While I occupied myself by drying the dishes, I heard my dad gasp. He chuckled to himself and said, Oh that's good. I turned around, dishtowel in hand, to see my grinning father holding an empty spice bottle","Looks like we're out of Thyme" +"Dad pulled this one out at dinner He picked up the menu for drinks and looked at it and said This is too hard. And then he said I don't want to do this. We all looked at him and he said What","It's a whine menu" +"Bad news for a barista A barista kept serving decaf coffee to customers that wanted it regular. After repeated warnings from the shop owner to stop doing it, the barista was fired","Would you believe me if I said the barista thought they had the wrong grounds to fire him" +"Ordered Thai food tonight. My mom was on the phone with the Thai place and my dad threw a dad joke. Mom: . and an order of Chicken Satay. Thai place: Will that be all. Mom: Yes. Thai place: Can I get a name for your order. Mom: It'll be under Barry. Dad: But it'll get all mushy","We collectively sighed after that" +"Rick Astley will let you borrow any of his Pixar movies","But he's never gonna give you Up" +"Did you know that children have 4 kidneys","2 kidneys, and 2 kid-knees" +"My favorite arcade game is Galaga","You know, the one where you smash watamelons" +"What do you call a Sith elevator","Darth elevader" +"A woman came up to me and said she had met me before at the vegetarian gathering","I had never met herbivore" +"What. Is a kidnappers favourite shoes","White vans" +"Why would Tom Hiddleston wear a hoodie and sunglasses","He's trying to be Loki" +"What do you call someone giving blood in Portland","An Oregon donor" +"Dads thought's on retirement","Twice the husband on half the income" +"I hade to remove my oldest dagger from my knife collection","It just didn't cut it anymore" +"My grandmother has many religious statues, crosses, and cats in her house","No doubt she's a Cat-holic" +"(OC) What speed should you record a Jewish actor at","Shlomotion" +"Knock knock Who's There. Mustache Mustache who","I mustache you a question but I'll shave it for later" +"I was working in a library and this guy comes up to me and asks, “Do you have a bookmark","” I said, “Yes, we have hundreds, but my name’s Dave" +"What's the only melon that has to get married in a church","Cantaloupe" +"Did you hear about the math teacher who disappeared right in front of his class for 43 seconds","He went indivisible" +"What did the clock do when it was hungry","It went back four seconds" +"What does the teddy bear say after a meal","Man, am i stuffed" +"My father speaks mostly Spanish so would never expect to be able to contribute to this subreddit, but my dad finally dropped one in the car today with my mom: (On the topic of going home after a doctor's appointment) Mom: Wait for us outside the office or come inside with us because I don't feel well and I don't want to take the bus","Dad: Well, then don't take the bus just get on it" +"I don't even have any kids, but I managed this at the Doc's Doctor: Viagra and Cialis both cost the same, but for some guys the Cialis works for two days in a row","Me: So you're saying I get more bang for my buck" +"What do you call a relative who doesn't speak truth","familiar" +"Are leaked images allowed here. [Leaked image. ](http://blog. repatech. pl/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/Depositphotos_11392563_original","jpg)" +"What does a nosy pepper do","It gets jalapeño business" +"What's a DJ's favourite kind of fire. An amplifier","Dad coming back from a concert" +"Everyone told sam not to sing","But sam sung anyway" +"Car dash says: trunk ajar","Dad gets out of the car, looks at the trunk, and says well it still looks like a trunk to me." +"I got attacked by a group of. Killer. Whales moving in formation. The whole thing was very well","Orca-Strated." +"I used to be a banker","But I lost interest" +"My deaf husband has run away with my deaf friend. It was a terrible shock; but really,","I should've seen the signs" +"Helium is all the rage nowadays","People speak very highly of it." +"My son asked me about the different dimensions the other day","I told him I'd like to a*void* the *matter* at this *time*" +"What sound does a plane make when it bounces when landing","Boeing Boeing Boeing" +"Beautiful dog. Pyrenees. No, he's a boy","Pyranephew" +"What do you get when you mix a cow and dynamite","Udder Destruction" +"I just smacked a statues ass. That's a new low for me","I've hit rock bottom" +"Yesterday's Holiday Yesterday was Military and Band Appreciation Day","March Fourth" +"Out of all the melons, my favorite is the big green one which is all red inside and riddled with seeds","What a melon" +"Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory the other day","There was de-Brie everywhere" +"What do you call south american apes that get quickly delivered packages","amazon primates" +"Doctors say, one out ten people in England are too fat","These of course are only round figures" +"Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle. Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question","dogs can't whistle" +"How often should a person make a chemistry joke","Periodically" +"I can cut a picture into half with my eyes. Yes of course,","I saw it" +"You know, people say they pick their nose, but. I feel like","I was just born with mine." +"This one from my 10 year old daughter: I said to her after reading a reddit fact: do you know what a group of leemer’s is called. A conspiracy My wife: do you know what a group of crows is called. A murder. 10 year old from upstairs: Do you know what you call a group of cars. Traffic. My wife fell out","I posted" +"Why are blind people bad at programming","Because they can't C" +"Even in the most stressful moment http://imgur","com/5Vkwluq" +"Today I made the perfect pizza","It's my masterpizza" +"Wife: “You only hear what you want to hear","” Me: “Why yes, I’d love a beer" +"Daughter today: Dad, can we do an Easter-egg hunt tomorrow. Me: Sure","You can do an Easter-egg hunt every single day ^^^You ^^^probably ^^^won't ^^^find ^^^any ^^^though" +"Why is six afraid of seven. Not what you were thinking","It's really because seven was a registered six offender" +"This liquor store is haunted. My coworker at a liquor store dropped this on our boss last night, credit to /u/TheCaliCashier. He isn't familiar with dadjokes so I had to bring it here for him. TheCaliCashier: You know this store is haunted right. Boss: Bullshit. I worked here twelve years and haven't seen anything. TheCaliCashier: Well it is, but most the spirits are bottled","Edit: Correcting punch line to actual delivery" +"A classic dadjoke at the dinnertable *[The family have just sat down at the dinner table for their evening meal together, and are chatting about their day and the food]* **Mother:** Oh, by the way, if anyone wants any more fish fingers, they're cooking in the oven. **Daughter:** Okay. How long will they be","**Father:** About two and a half inches" +"What starts with 0 and end with 0","My bank account" +"What is this. http://imgur. com/a/fwzGj A Bicecycle","" +"5 year old appreciate dad jokes Packing my daughter's bag for swim class: Me: What towel do you want to take tomorrow. Her: My new Elsa towel. Me: Are you sure. It might get awful cold. Her: Why","Me: Because it's Frozen" +"What do you call a vegan hunter","A Gardner" +"best friend made me roll my eyes to the back of my head with this one we're doing a liquor run and i point out this cool bottle of brandy that has a whole pear inside of it. me: are you seeing this. that's a pear in that bottle. friend: (with a stupid grin on her face) oh yeah. it's quite a-pear-rent","I don't think i've rolled my eyes so quickly before" +"I told my girlfriend to meet me at the gym. But she never showed up","I guess the two of us aren't going to work out" +"At first he thought it was steam, but it was really just","a mist understanding" +"Sundays are always a little sad but","The day before is a sadder day" +"Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn't the worst thing that happened to me today","But it's definitely up there" +"What do you call a steak that fell on the floor","Ground beef" +"I tried to learn all the languages in. Scandinavia. But. I couldn't","Finnish" +"What kind of music helps construction workers sleep","Sheetrock" +"How did Vikings send secret messages","They used norse code" +"In my twenties, I was known for two things: Being single, and my awful handwriting","I was the most illegible bachelor in town" +"I saw a sign, it said: Let's put a stop to shoplifting TODAY. Ok, I thought","One day shouldn't be too challenging" +"Got my son on the day of his first child's birth My granddaughter was recently born, and she is, of course, perfection incarnate. However, the night she was born, I got my son. We had left his girlfriend's hospital room where she was in labor (14 1/2 hours. ) to get some coffee. As we did so, I gave him some fatherly advice. Me: Son, you know how everyone acts like all babies are beautiful. Him: Yeah. Me: Well, you and I both know that it's not true. There are some ugly babies out there. Now, I am not saying yours is going to be, I am sure she's going to be fine, but just in case. Him: Yes. Me: You know those signs at some bathrooms that say Baby Changing Station . Just stick her in there, close the lid. Him: OMG, Dad, shut the fuck up","Me: <literally tapdancing away>" +"My buddy who works at Verizon hit me with a dad joke and he’s not even a dad. Me: So why is there and iPhone 7,8, and 10, but no iPhone 9","Him: 7 ate 9" +"What is it called when you die and come back as a hillbilly","Reintarnation" +"Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees","They’re really good at it" +"What does a nosy pepper do","It gets jalapeño business" +"How do you stop a fish from smelling","You cut off its nose" +"www. dadjokeoftheday. com My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo","I had to put my foot down" +"My counselor gave me a hug today. I guess","I got shrinkwrapped" +"Got my girlfriend the other day. Girlfriend: Gah you're lame. Me: I walk just fine","I try to get one in every morning before work" +"When. I told my friend","I had decided to shave all my hair, he looked me in tge eyes and said: That's a bald move" +"I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**","I must be missing some bowels" +"Dad joke used every time at a restaueant Server: do you gentlemen have any questions about the menu","Dad: yes, what font is this" +"What do you say to an invisible person whose pee you can still see","Urine visible" +"What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it","Short" +"Boss : You are the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year","I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track" +"Bad at golf","Join the club" +"My Grandfather is a witty one At the dinner table and my mother asks: What is the difference between Ann Taylor and Ann Taylor loft","Grandfather: One is higher than the other We had a good laugh" +"Why was Jesus so muscular","Crossfit" +"Now that Trump is President, say goodbye to pre-shredded cheese","He's going to make America grate again" +"So I was going to write something down, but my friend brought me an unsharpened pencil","I told him that the pencil he brought was pointless" +"how do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back","A stick" +"Conversation with my dad. Me: I got offered to go ice fishing with my coworker. Dad: I’ve never fished for ice before, what kind of bait do you use","Me: God dammit (smh)" +"How do use pink, green, and yellow in a sentence. The phone went 'green. green","', so I pinked it up and said, Yellow" +"Sean Connery told me I was shaved once I said oh straight razor or trimmer","He said no by a priest" +"What kind of tree protects the Native American Hogwarts","A wampum Willow" +"I don’t mean to sound racist,. But all members of the","KKK look the same to me." +"I didn’t sell one copy of my autobiography","Story of my life" +"What kind of shoes does Thanos wear","New Balance" +"Yes I can see. Dad: Yes I can see. Me: What are you talking about man. Dad: She asked José can you see. National Anthem Dad Jokes","I love him" +"A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house","He was absolutely delighted" +"Do you know what I miss","Small targets that are very far away" +"I've got a friend who is really punching above his weight","His girlfriend's fucking massive" +"People say my jokes are too self-referential, but I can't help it","I've never metajoke I didn't like" +"How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas","Because if it was invented any where else it would be called a teethbrush" +"Got my roommate twice tonight We were eating at a Chinese food buffet. A fry stuck to his teriyaki chicken and I said decided to have fried chicken huh. Later when he opened a fortune cookie to find it empty I said how unfortunate for you . He was disgusted with me","I was proud" +"Dad*has a heart attack* Dad: Son, call me an ambulance","Son:*crying* Dad, you’re an ambulance Dad: I’m so proud of you *dies*" +"A friend of mine found a bunch of old VHS tapes he used to record Ed, Edd, n Eddy years ago. We were showing it to a friend who had never seen it. We were on the episode where the bald kid, Johnny, dug straight down and ended up in China. Friend2: What's up with the camera angle there. Me: It's on the other side of the world, so everything is upside down. The camera has to flip over to see everything right side up","Friend1: Yeah, the camera had to *re-orient* itself" +"Psychiatrist: After running a battery of tests on you, we've determined that you're crazy. Patient: I want a second opinion","Psychiatrist: Okay, you're ugly too" +"At a science lab I saw a very depressed-looking skeleton sitting in the corner","The lab tech said the skeleton had nobody" +"Dad jokes at the doctor. Doctor, Hello, thanks for being patient . Me, Hello, thanks for being doctor","We both chuckled" +"I'm going to create a repair company that fixes cars related in texting while driving incidents","I'll name it Auto Correct" +"I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7 and 9","The odds were against me" +"What bone does a dog not eat","A trombone" +"Why are books so expensive","Because they're paper view" +"I'm borrowing a friend's tent for the weekend. Me: I'll be sure to bring it back in one piece","Him: No, please break it down first" +"I tried dating a communist, but it didn’t work out","There were too many red flags" +"Idk why Marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on Hulk","He is essentially a giant banner" +"Anyone know any Dad jokes about eyes","The cornea, the better" +"I heard Ace Ventura was a white nationalist. Wait, he's not. Oh. Well","alt righty then" +"Easy with the maple syrup, Son","That stuff doesn't grow on trees, you know" +"What's a pirates favorite animal","An aarrrrdvaaarrk" +"The best pick up advice I've been told is","always bend your knees" +"I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes","It’s all about raisin awareness" +"I have a brain like a computer","Unfortunately it was made in the early 60's and is now obsolete" +"Dad I'm cold. Dad: Go in the corner","It's 90 degrees" +"Shrek isn't great","He's mediogre" +"My friends kept telling to stop impersonating a flamingo. After enough of it","I had to put my foot down" +"A slice of apple pie is $2","50 in Jamaica and $3 in the Bahamas These are the pie rates of the Caribbean" +"Got my dad with this one Dad came by to pick up my niece and nephew who'd stayed overnight, and there was a hockey game on between the Minnesota Wild and Florida Panthers. My dad looked at the TV and says: *Where's Florida. * **Southeastern part of the US. Big peninsula. You've probably seen it on a map","** I mean, sure, he was asking for it, but man it felt good to get the master back" +"What do you call a red neck who works for ISIS","Y’all Qaeda" +"I haven’t seen many advent calendars this year","I think their days are numbered" +"What's made of leather, is about a foot long and sounds like a sneeze","A shoe" +"Why do elephants drink","To forget" +"How come there aren’t any Irish lawyers","Because they couldn’t pass the bar" +"Jokes about communism aren’t funny","Unless everyone gets them!!" +"Mum: my ear has been ringing since yesterday","Dad: why haven't you answered it" +"The pun gods smiled upon me today. My friend got a static shock, and in the span of 5 minutes I rattled off these: * Geez, that's shocking news. * How are you current-ly feeling. * Don't give me that look. I'm just trying to energize you. * Looks like I gotta amp up my jokes. * I'm gonna hit you with a battery of jokes until you laugh. * Don't let your sense of humor be so static. * This isn't a crime, you can't charge me with anything. * Wire you so upset","* Do you want me to plug the stream of jokes" +"What is the national fruit of Afghanistan","Talibanana" +"Something my dad said while. I was learning to drive. Dad:. Take a left up ahead. Me:. Alright. Dad:","No, all-left" +"Why are there only 239 beans in a can of beans","*In thick Irish accent* Because if there were one more it’d be too farty" +"I have lots of jokes about communism. But unfortunately","I have to share them all with you." +"Cannons Daughter playing Civ 5: They keep giving me cannons","Me: Make cannonade" +"I'm dying. Call me an ambulance. Hi dying","You're an ambulance" +"‪My mate gets really angry if you say a e i o or u in front of him ‬","He has irritable vowel syndrome" +"Galaxies As soon as space travel is possible, I'm moving from the Milky Way to the Soymilky Way","I'm galactose intolerant" +"I swear my mom and I sighed in unison. So my mom and dad were talking in the kitchen about a friend who flips houses for a living. I walk out of my room as they're still talking and say Yeah I've heard that line of work is pretty difficult","To which my dad responds Yeah and it's really heavy too" +"What do you call a bagel that can fly","A plane bagel" +"A friend of mine was saying that touching his toes counted as a workout","I thought it was a bit of a stretch" +"How does a penny say farewell","I'll Cu later" +"Saw a man dad joke his daughter on social media today. [I laughed, I groaned. ](http://imgur","com/Ejw3a2d)" +"Felt so proud of myself last night SO: Oh, my mom emailed me. She got into Cuba yesterday. Me: Yeah. She Havana good time. SO:","Y u do dis" +"Why do ducks have tail feathers","To cover their butt quack" +"I'll be Bach","I can Handel that" +"Just got a coworker with this one. Coworker: Where's Dave. Me: He's at another site. Coworker: Did he bring his Focus","(his car) Me: No, he's been distracted all week" +"Why can't a bike stand on its own","Cause its two tired" +"Most older Englishmen prefer Earl Grey","But most younger Star Wars fans prefer Girl Rey" +"Studies have shown that 4 out of 5 men will suffer from diarrhea at some point in their lives","Why are 1 out of 5 men enjoying it" +"I keep getting strange looks in public because. I can’t stop shouting out “Broccoli” and “cauliflower”. Those people just don’t understand that","I have flourettes" +"What do you call Batman when he skips church","Christian Bale" +"My boyfriend and I saw a mama duck with 2 ducklings today Me: I wonder where the papa duck is","BF: He's left the family due to his quack addiction" +"What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor","Make me one with everything" +"How many people do you think are buried in that cemetery","I hope all of them" +"What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday","Aye matey" +"What do you call a fascist spaceman","An astro-nazi" +"My employer did random drug testing today","I got weeded out" +"I refuse to buy used gloves","I hate second hand clothing" +"People say I look like my father's brother","That's uncled for" +"Ever heard of the band 'The Broken Down Cars'","Not surprising, they didn't go anywhere" +"How do puppy pirates look for treasure","They sniff out the booty" +"Why do you pronounce “queue” as “q”","Because the other letters are waiting in line" +"What did the forklift operator do with the worker's whiskey","He Lifted their spirits" +"I am 36 years old today","I'm such a square" +"I tried to convert to Judaism, but I was rejected because I’m not circumcised","I guess I didn’t make the cut" +"Did you hear about the angry fatty acid","It was lipid" +"I have exceptional memory","I can remember last year like it was yesterday" +"When does a farmer dance","After someone drops a beet" +"I searched a list of ten puns to find one that made me laugh","No pun in ten did" +"I handed down my dad's favorite joke to my kid this week. I love and hate myself for it. My kid walks in says Dad, I don't feel good I rub her back and say You feel fine to me. She groaned and rolled her eyes just like I used to. I laughed just like he did","I am shamefully proud of myself" +"My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. How do I smell. He asked","With your nose I replied" +"What do you call a belt made out of watches","A waist of time" +"Not a dad yet, but I can feel the terrible puns trying to break free. Tried a new pillow last night and when I woke up today my wife asked me if I thought it was comfortable enough. It has it's fluffs and downs I said","Much eye rolling was had" +"What are you doing in that wardrobe","Narnia business" +"If you take a picture of yourself and put it in a locket","your independent" +"My wife said it was too dangerous to beat an egg","But I said no, I'll whisk it" +"Most puns make me feel numb","Math posts make me feel number" +"What's the best way to deliver a lot of Pita","A flatbread truck" +"I just bought a 30 year old pack of chewing gum off eBay","You'd think it'd be gone off by now, but it's in mint condition" +"My Dad (63) was driving me back into Toronto from my parents place, and the weather started to turn nasty. It's good that you have all wheel drive. And you've got snow tires. Actually, they're made of rubber","100%, actually happened, last Sunday night" +"Our baby was scooting naked on the bathroom floor, so I said to my wife. Honey, do you know what our bathroom and a chocolate bar have in common. Huh. They both may contain traces of nuts","I had to laugh at this joke all by myself" +"Hey. Guy who stole my thesaurus You are a. Bad person. And I hope","Bad things happen to you" +"I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high","She seemed surprised" +"GF has been working on her taxes for the last two hours This is too much - I'm exhausted.","sounds *taxing*" +"My mum was reading out a missing dog advert on Facebook. She read out the last sentence that said If you have any information, please contact owner","My dad just muttered under his breath That's a funny name" +"unintentional dad joke about my gf's underwear. I notice her underwear has these big seams on each side so I say Hmm seems like that would be annoying She starts laughing. I say What. I don't get it. oh SEAMS annoying. ugh","I made my self groan unintentionally" +"What's big and gray and wrote gloomy poetry. T","Elephant" +"What do you call an incurable cancer","Can'tcer" +"Overheard in every bakery in the UK that sells Millionaire's Shortbread Put that back, kids","We can't afford it" +"Why did the man driving the train get stuck by lightning","He was a good conductor" +"I buy my guns from a guy that goes by “T-Rex”","He’s a small arms dealer" +"I asked a frenchman if he played video games","He said “Wii”" +"I got both my kids at the store today","They had a deal, two for the price of one" +"What do you call a black guy flying a plane","A pilot, you racist" +"Should have Saw it coming. Dad using the electric saw in the garage when I walk in. Me: Dad, my ears are ringing","Dad: Well, are you going to answer them" +"Whats an alchoholics favourite book","Tequila mockingbird" +"McDonald's till employee vs dad. Just got home from a trip to McDonalds with my dad. The till worker's name tag was ivonna. My dad catches on quickly with a big grin oh his face. Ivonna bacon swiss melt","Really" +"Leaky pen from waiter and. I say, this pen is dangerous","Person at table responds, Would you say it's undependable?" +"Why was the accountant constipated","Because he couldn't budget" +"I'm not a dad, but i think these jokes I thought of belong here Q: how does the mitochondria communicate with the ribosomes A: cell phone Q: what happened when the noodles were getting everyone wet","A: they had to be re-strained" +"I once boiled a funny bone","It became a laughing stock" +"Why did the cactus cross the road","Because if was stuck to the chicken" +"My favorite time of the day is 6:30","Hands down" +"If you tell a story about buying a used prosthetic hand","It's a first-hand account of your secondhand third hand" +"New dad, dad joking dad. I was throwing my daughter into the air and catching her today. My father said, She loves that, huh. Yeah, it's her second favorite thing. I replied. What is her first. He asked, When I catch her. Shut up","He ended the conversation" +"What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army. A kernel","Sorry guys, a bit corny that one" +"I was in a cheese factory explosion today","Debrie was everywhere" +"A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and . Coke thank you”. “Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks “but what’s with the big pause","” The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”" +"A nudist escaped from police by hiding in a church","Eventually they caught him by the organ" +"My masseuse friend is the biggest gossip I’ve ever seen","He keeps talking behind people’s backs" +"Want to avoid dangerous cults","Just practice safe sects" +"What is an angels favurite video game","Halo" +"My niece is a dad i think She was wearing yellow and her sister was wearing red. i told them they looked like ketchup and mustard when she replied, Well thank you","I'll take that as a condiment" +"If number 666 is evil, then 25","8069758011 is the root of all evil" +"My wife asked if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange on Netflix. I said, “No","I have Stranger Things to watch" +"What do you call a pig on a leash. Pulled Pork. Happy fathers day","Ate at a ribfest and this joke came to mind" +"What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot. Don’t worry about him","He’s just a product of our times" +"Why isn't it a big deal to get sucked into a black hole","Because in there nothing is the matter" +"My dad, the epitome of dad jokes Scene: me, my dad, and my boyfriend out for breakfast. The waitress comes by, and asks, any questions about the menu","My dad, without missing a beat, replies, yes, what kind of paper is it made of" +"What do you say if you're an alpaca and you laugh your ass off","Llmao" +"Why shouldn't windows ever laugh","Because they will crack up" +"My dad mentioned he was getting a cold, so I give him some Zinc because that's what my mom used to do","He goes Thanks for Zincing of me and walks out the door without missing a beat" +"One day I'll open up a store that only sells stoves","I'll have a range of hot products" +"What dating app does poultry use","Chicken Tinder" +"What do you call a man with no shins","Tony" +"What to you call a snake that's 3. 14 ft long","A π-thon" +"There are 10 kind of people in this world","Those that understand binary, and those that don't." +"What do you do if a mob of clowns attacks you","Go for the juggler" +"My mom’s new husband makes staircases for a living","He is my stepfather" +"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back","A stick" +"Why did the woman fell into a well","Because she couldn't see well" +"What do you call a blind german in 1940","A not-see" +"The shop assistant just groaned. My girlfriend wnted a new watch so we went to the local shopping centre to go to the Fossil shop. It was shut due to a power outage. Go back the next day and they're open; a quick chat with the shop assistant and she says the problem still isn't fixed and they're using generators to try and get through the day. I couldn't help myself and say I guess that means you're running on Fossil Fuel then. It didn't go down very well","" +"Sherlock was gardening when Watson came over and asked what he was planting","A lemon tree, my dear Watson" +"I had a friend who could only write words using consonants","He had lost all vowel control" +"My mother is now mad at me She talking about how she has an eye Dr. appointment soon","Mom: Look on the calender and tell me when the 1st is, please Me: Well it appears to be next month I'm still laughing and she is still mad" +"My neighbor is moving. He offered to sell me a 50ft piece of rope for $1, but I refused","I hate long good buys" +"The past, present and future walk into a bar","It was tense" +"I interrupted an argument between my friends. One of them said back off, my beef isn't with you","I replied I know, it's with our butcher" +"Buying a new baseball glove At the Rawlings outlet, I try the first one on. Dad: Alright that's the one, lets go. Me: What are you talking about, I haven't tried any others","Dad: There's no need, that one fits like a glove" +"How does a chemist laugh. Helium helium helium oxygen magnesium","HeHeHe OMg" +"So, did ya'll hear about the lumberjack who got fired","He saw too much" +"Have you ever tried blindfolded archery","You don’t know what you’re missing" +"What jam can't you eat","Traffic" +"My wife tried a new pancake recipe this morning","It tasted waffle" +"For my next magic trick, I'm going to saw my fraternity brother in half","A-bro-cadaver" +"Dadjoked the thirsty girlfriend. I asked my girlfriend if she wanted any water whilst we were studying. She responded Just a glass, thanks . I bring an empty glass over to her, and she tries to drink from it","She loves them, she just won't admit it" +"Overheard at the zoo We were in the bird exhibit and a family was nearby. Daddy. Come look at the toucan. Honey, listen, it's just got one can The best part was that he never even acknowledged the pun","Stated it matter of fact" +"I didn't like my new beard at first","But its growing on me" +"Happened in class today, teacher was taking attendance","Teacher: hmmm, why Am I short Me: genetics I suppose" +"Why can't flat earthers accept the gravity of the situation","Because they sphere the world isn't flat after all" +"Got my wife reading a book Me: You've been reading that book for a really long time. Does it suck. Wife: Not really. It's mostly just heavy Me: I could get you a little stand to hold it if you would like","Wife: *doesn't look up from book as i stare at her* I'm not going to justify that with anything" +"I asked my dad how does he keep his dad jokes on point","He replied: Dad's a good question" +"Did you guys hear about the greedy clock","It went back 4 seconds" +"I piece of string walks into a bar The string says to the bartender, “One beer, please. ” The bartender looks at him and says, “We don’t serve your kind here. ” The string goes outside, loops itself around a few times, and goes back inside. The bartender asks, “Aren’t you the guy from before","” The piece of string says, “I’m a frayed knot" +"The text I got from my dad yesterday. http://imgur","com/ztMS9y4" +"Friend's dad told us this one yesterday A Mexican magician is about to preform a trick in front of his audience. He says I'm going to disappear on the count of three. uno. dos","and he disappears without a tres" +"Got my friend with this a while ago and posted on r/Jokes, but I think it would be better appreciated here. So this friend really likes lifting, so when told me he ran out of protein powder I was surprised and said","No Whey" +"My grandfather told me that when he saw the Titanic, he warned everyone over and over it was going to sink","That's when he got kicked out of the cinema" +"All my coworkers think I’m weird when I have a ham and pineapple sandwich every day","But that’s just Hawaii roll" +"The panda bears rioted in the streets of Beijing today","It was pandamonium" +"Did you guys hear about that circus fire","It was in tents" +"I’m looking for some kind of outer covering for muscles and bones. Not for me","A skin for a friend" +"If you were a russian when you went in the bathroom and a finnish when you left, what were you in the bathroom","European" +"There's nothing more we can do. http://i. imgur. com/TC0vm2b","jpg" +"I refused to believe. I was gay & dyslexic. I was in","Daniel" +"Thanks to the Andy Griffith Show, Ron Howard","was the first OP" +"Me: Hey, wanna try Vietnamese for dinner tonight. Wife: What, pho","Me: Just to try something different" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When the punchline becomes apparent" +"My daughter told me that she and her husband paid $50,000 for a piece of land to build their new house on","I told her that sounded like a lot" +"What do you call a cow with no legs","Ground Beef" +"Shoutout to my grandparents","Because that's the only way they can hear me." +"Doctor told me today that I'm overweight and need to lose weight","I'm lipid" +"I was helping my dad with construction he told me to get the hammer but. I accidentally gave him the drill. He said. I could have nailed it, but","I screwed up" +"I got fired from my job at the calendar factory","I just wanted to take a day off" +"Why did the fungi farmer turn down the job offer at a new farm with higher pay","There wasn't *mush*-room to grow there" +"I hate when the grocery store worker asks if I want my milk in a bag","It's so much easier to just leave it in the carton" +"My friend dad joked me in the lab last night We meet up to work on our lab and when I got there I realized I hadn't eaten in almost 9 hours. Me: hey have you eaten yet. Him: *wide eyes and creepy voice* what do you mean. I've been eating my whole life. Me: really","Really" +"Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form","Only when it's ground" +"Why doesn't the Queen wave with this hand. *and do a Queen wave with a hand of your choosing*","Because that's my hand" +"Two wrongs don't make a right","But two Wrights make an airplane" +"Why didn't the Skeleton go to the Halloween Party","He had no body to go with" +"What’s it called when two dinosaurs reproduce","Tyrannosaurus Sex" +"Why did the banana go to the doctor","Because it wasn't peeling well" +"Got my wife with this one the other day. Driving down the road when we passed a Xerox manufacturing plant. Pointed it out, That's the Xerox plant, it's just like the other one","Rewarded with a roll of the eyes" +"My 3 yr old son didn't realize it but he told me a good dadjoke *As. I'm holding my son, he begins to pretend his hands are spiders and starts wiggling the tips of his fingers on my arm and then says* These spiders are crawling on you because they're *Daddy*. Long","Legs" +"Whenever we drive by a field with a horse in it, I get my girls with this. Me: SEAHORSE. kids: what. Where. I point to the horse in the field: see","Horse" +"I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday","She wasn’t blown away" +"Got my wife with this gem. http://imgur","com/OdIv0uU" +"When I told my girlfriend of the dangers of overtweezing","She razed her eyebrows" +"Why is Star Trek like toilet paper","They both go around Ur anus looking for Klingons" +"I took Uber yesterday. The driver said, “I love my job. I’m my own boss. No one tells me what to do","” I said, “Please turn left" +"[Meta](I think. ) RWBY Chibi did a skit about Dad Jokes https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=Ojk5M2CvBFk The dad shows up at 1:48" +"I once tried to start my own table sauce business. But. I found","I was always playing ketchup" +"Colorado Rockies broadcaster just us You know, if they lost the first game of the season they wouldn't be able to sell beer the rest of the year Why's that","Cause they would have lost the opener Edit: Format" +"Space X is planning to send a bunch of cattle into orbit","It will be the herd shot 'round the world" +"What do you call a man from the Netherlands who is also flying on a airplane","The Flying Dutchman" +"What do you call an alligator in a vest","An investigator" +"Who married the state of Mississippi","Misterssippi" +"What does a dog crave when it is indecisive, cold, and angry","Hmm Brr Grr" +"If garlic powder is made out of garlic,","Then baby powder is made out of babies" +"[NSFW] Stop sending people pictures of your genitals","It's a dick move" +"What do you call a grouping of Squiwards","Squadward" +"Dad jokes come with extra bass *parents are going to see an outdoor concert* Mom: Do you have your cooler packed. Dad: (in bathroom) Yeah, I got my culo packed","[loud fart]" +"I went out last night to see Dictionary,. The. Musical . Best play on words","I've ever seen." +"What's an astronaut's favorite part of a computer","The space bar" +"what part of your body would you get rid off","My spine, It holds me back" +"What do you call the space between apps","Gapps" +"What do you call chickens who count their eggs","A mathamachicken" +"TIL crocodiles can grow 20 feet and be 2,000 pounds","But most only have 4 feet and are less expensive." +"Graveyards take up so much real estate, it’s crazy","No worries, cemeteries are a dying industry" +"How would you like that cooked. On the grill","Even though all his kids are adults kow, my dad still pulls out the old classics while we're out to the local burger joint" +"So scientists say the male. Y chromosome is slowly deteriorating","I guess this generation has skinny genes" +"My friend the artist told me he didn’t have any cyan, azure, cobalt, navy, royal, or sapphire paint","That was completely out of the blue" +"Reebok","When a chicken wasn't happy with it's first bock" +"Never invite Dracula to a party","He always sucks the life out of it" +"You know you pronounce . gif as 'jif', right. -coworker I don't believe you. I'm Joojling it","-me" +"Dadjoking the crowd every time I introduce my assistant This is my assistant. She's also my sister, so that makes her my assister","" +"You’re American before you enter the restroom and American when you come out of the restroom, but what are you while you’re inside the restroom","European" +"Got into an elevator on holiday last week","My dad looked at the make (on the wall), and remarked that we were in Schindler's Lift" +"I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage","The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity!" +"The only thing my friends like doing with me is eating","I call them my taste buds" +"your mum is so. so my wife and i are sitting at the dinner table with my two daughters (then 11 + 13) and we're telling each other your mum jokes which has gone on for decades in schools in the UK (ie , your mum's so bald i can read her mind etc","my daughter comes out with one and then I reply with this which causes open mouths and stunned silence for about 15 seconds: your mums so pregnant we're having another baby It wasn't true but me and the wife pissed ourselves laughing" +"Dad: Are you done sleeping","Little one: Yes Dad: Ok, so we’ll sell your bed" +"Did you hear","David lost his ID Now we just have to call him Dav" +"How do dinosaurs pay their bills","With Tyrannosaurus checks" +"My toddler brought home a finger painting of a polar bear today","I told her it was all white" +"Where does Frankenstein lifeguard","Lake Erie" +"I tried to catch fog yesterday","I mist" +"Got dadjoked about my midterm topic Dad: What's your midterm about. Me: The ethics of euthanasia","Dad: What about the old people in Asia" +"I'm learning woodwork, but it's taking a long time","I wish it was a whittle faster" +"What’s another name for a horny communist","A hard worker" +"What's the cheapest type of meat","Deer balls, they're under a buck" +"What did 0 say to 8","Nice belt" +"Did you hear about the gay Irish couple that are perfect for each other. Me: No","Dad: Yeah they're named Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick" +"Have you heard about the Japanese parents who got surgery to Americanize their eyes","When the awoke, they were disoriented" +"I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs. I guess","I'll just wing it" +"My local newspaper ran a story on the decrease of cow psychics","It was called Steak Medium Rare" +"When it comes to what. I like most about dad jokes,","I will say this: this" +"There was a shooting today, The suspect used a starting pistol","They say it was race related" +"via text: I just saw a famous rapper at the Getty Villas and then he sent this picture http://imgur","com/TWSP0yt" +"Dispatch, can you please advise today's date","Ten Four" +"My kid refused to take a nap","You could say he resisting a rest" +"A","Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says Five beers,please." +"Daughter lost a tooth and then lost it before putting it under her pillow. So. I told her to cut out a picture of a tooth and put it under her pillow,. Turns out the tooth fairy liked her","Substi-tooth and gave her 2 dollars" +"Jimmy. Johns got my order wrong,. I showed them the sandwich they gave me","Oops, wrong sub." +"I'm still chortling about this one a month later. As a new(ish) dad I feel it's my duty to really bring all the dad jokes to the yard. Lately it's been coming a bit more naturally. The Girlfriend and I were sitting on the couch and she was talking about how much she loved all the prizes and gifts that Ellen is always giving out on her show","My response: I heard she is going to stop giving things away, so she's changing her name to Ellen Deselfish" +"I heard the story about the dog who traveled 5 miles to fetch a stick, but I didn't believe it because it was","too farfetched" +"What do you call a dish that's always thinking","A contemplate" +"“Hello—police. Can I leave an anonymous tip. ” Dispatcher: Sure. Go ahead","Me: Flossing prevents tooth decay" +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon","Great food, no atmosphere" +"The Great Reoccuring Dad Joke A little context: I am working at my Dad's business for a summer job. Today he introduced me to several of his coworkers. Now, this is just one of many examples in which he has used this joke. My dad and I walk into the break room and find two coworkers eating lunch. Dad: Hello coworkers, this is my son, Lord_Indifference. Coworker 1 (only coworker engaging): Nice to meet you Lord_Indifference. I shake her hand and introduce myself. Dad: Say, coworker 1, do you think he looks like me. Coworker 1: Yeah, he does. He definitely looks a lot like your wife. Dad: Hmmm, I've always thought he looks a lot like the UPS guy. Que chuckling from coworker 2 who had been reading his newspaper quietly","He uses this joke (in different variations) every time he gets the chance to introduce me" +"When I was young, I was extremely bright","Because of this, my dad called me sun" +"Courtesy of my daughter . D:Why did the girl fall off the swing. Me: I don't know D: She had no arms. Short pause. D:Knock, knock Me:Who's there","D:NOT THE GIRL" +"I've said it once and. I'll say it again","It." +"Wife: Oh, wow. I didn't know there was a watch museum here. Why have we never been","Me: I guess we've just never had the time" +"Someone told me I should be a baker","I think I could fill that roll" +"My wife asked me whether I want to watch Dr. Strange on Netflix. I told her no","I had Stranger Things to watch" +"What do you call a psychic midget, escaped from prison","A small medium at large" +"I was addicted to. Tide. Pods","I’m clean now (Edit: grammar)" +"What do you call four Mexicans drowning","Cuatro cinco" +"I hate when I chuckle at my own jokes. Co-worker: Looks like you got a haircut. JewWithAFlamethrower: More than just one. in fact, I hope most of them were cut","Co-worker: *sighs* JewWithAFlamethrower: *hehuehe*" +"Retired Nazis and animals Why did a group of retired Nazis volunteer at an animal clinic","They were all veteran Arians" +"Did you hear that one joke about a boxer","It’s got a nice punch" +"I asked my chef friend if they ever serve steak raw","He said yeah but it's rare" +"What do you call a hood on a cow's head","A cowl" +"How do redheads walk","Gingerly" +"Why is the kid otter's father so cold","Because he's an otter pop" +"Why did the banana go to the doctor","It wasn’t peeling well" +"Me and my wife were watching 3 DVDs back to back","Good thing I was the one facing the TV" +"Did you hear Arnold Schwarzenegger got a new career","He's an ex terminator" +"These are terrible dad jokes : https://www. youtube. com/watch. v=Qdi_yp9FA-I 4 minutes long","Prepare to cry" +"A English man, a Scots man and a Irish man. walk into a haunted house and see a £5 note on a table. The English man walks up to the table and hears a voice I am the ghost of able Mable and that £5 note belongs on that table . He gets scared and runs away. The Irish man approaches the table and hears the same voice I am the ghost of able Mable and that £5 note belongs on that table . He gets scared and runs away as well. The Scots man walks up to the table and hears the same voice I am the ghost of able Mable and that £5 note belongs on that table","He says I am the son of David Crocket and that£5 note belongs in my pocket" +"If you rearrange the letters of “Postmen”","They get really pissed off." +"Grey/gray has two spellings to tech us that things aren't just black and white. Even the spelling is a graey area","\*Removed from showerthoughts for being too much of a dad joke, so here we are" +"I'm at the doctors waiting to go in and complaining to my dad about the wait time","His text response: be patient" +"Dad joked my entire family We have a deck that we can park two of our cars under, and here recently we got 18 inches of snow. my parents were worried about our deck collapsing under all the weight after our woodshed roof collapsed. they were discussing what insurance would cover our cars of they were damaged. when my mom said I don't know what would cover our cars","When I said well if the deck collapsed I'm pretty sure it would cover them both" +"Did you hear about the circus fire","It was in tents" +"Got my brother back during Thanksgiving. *Via text message, after missing my flight the previous night. * Brother: Did you make your plane. Me: No. Me: A factory did","Brother: This is why you're a virgin" +"Why does the Beast always make Cogsworth stand guard","He makes a great watch" +"What did the asian parents tell their child when they failed their test","“Your an ‘A’sian not a ‘D’sian" +"Dadjoked a fellow redditor today. Someone posted saying: >My surname is actually quite uncommon. Naturally, I replied saying: >Nice to meet you Mr. /Ms. actually quite uncommon. [Sauce](https://www. reddit. com/r/OSU/comments/3h0x3w/so_apparently_i_just_got_a_fullride_for_baseball/cu3acs2","context=10000)" +"Why should you never attach a watch to your belt","because it would be a waste of time" +"Found $40 while cleaning clothes. My grandfather warned me that the","FBI might get me for laundering money" +"My toddler ate a LEGO yesterday","He then proceeded to shit a brick the next day" +"What's Aladdin's favorite plant","Jasmine" +"Never date a baker","They're way too kneady" +"I don’t usually tell dad jokes. But when","I do, he often laughs" +"Did you hear about that Mexican serial killer","He had locomotives" +"To keep fit, I’ve taken up quiet tennis","It’s like regular tennis, but without the racquet" +"A dyslexic pacifist balks into a war","The bartenders says “I know I can’t make you take a shot”" +"I walked past some perverted frogs the other day","They kept saying rubit, rubit" +"Accordion to studies at the University of New York","90% of people don't notice the difference between false facts and music instruments" +"My friend's dad delivered a beauty the other day. What happened when a girl backed into a helicopter","Disaster" +"What do you call two bridges that fight","Arch enemies" +"I asked for a shipment of fruit from a crazy guy","He's driving me bananas" +"Leather is great for sneaking around","Because its made of hide" +"Did you know that","married couples have a higher chance of divorcing than single people" +"A trio of Dad Jokes at a family meal last night. **Dad Joke 1:** *Dad:* What you got there Nigel. *Nigel:* I have got the pulled pork. *Dad:* How hard did they have to pull it. **Dad Joke 2:** Dad: What about you Craig. What have you got. Craig: Well, I got the baked salmon mate. Dad: I wonder where it got its supply from. **Dad Joke 3:** *Aunt:* Have you seen Marie lately. She's lost a stone. *Dad:* Well that's a bit irresponsible, she should go looking for it. **I think my dad tries to hard sometimes","**" +"What is the difference between your file cabinet and your kidney","One is for your information; the other's for urine formation" +"Did you hear about those new reversible jackets","I'm excited to see how they turn out" +"What's worse than ants in your pants","Uncles" +"My girlfriend unintentionally got me last night My girlfriend and I were talking last night, and I couldn't understand what she was saying at first. So she says: 'You need to learn sign language. Its really handy","' It took her a few minutes of me laughing for her to get it" +"Why couldn't the stallion and the fly get along","The stallion was always horsing around and fly wouldn't stop bugging him" +"A dog sleepwalks into a bar . He tells the bartender “ZZZ I’m a cat ZZZ I’m a cat”. The bartender says ���Yes sir you are. ” The sleepwalking dog leaves and a patron says “Why did you agree with him. That dog’s not a cat","” The bartender replies, “Sometimes you gotta let sleeping dogs lie" +"Why does Yoda believe that it's five who is afraid of seven","Because 6 7 8" +"I have a drivers license. But","I don’t h🥑" +"Dad: It wasn't that long for a Catholic wedding, they didn't do a full mass. Me: Oh so they half-massed it . Groans all around","(This happened 5 minutes ago)" +"Ex-hula hoop champions wouldn't even understand the sophisticated techniques of current competitors","They've just been out of the loop for too long" +"What do you call belly buttons fighting each other","Navel Warfare" +"Here is the worlds greatest impersonation of an extractor fan","I used to like tractors but I don't any more" +"Where to bears do their shopping","the maul" +"What is Jackie Chan's favorite car","A KIIIAAA" +"I just let my wife know that we're going to really have to tighten up on our spending. Everyone else should do the same. The world economy is going to crash","If 50 cents isn't worth anything, we're all screwed" +"I just got a new reversible jacket","I’ll let you know how it turns out" +"How did the sheep cross the road safely","Shear luck" +"Dad got my uncle today Eating lunch today with my Mom, Dad, Aunt, and Uncle. My Dad pays for the entire meal, so my uncle asked if he included a tip (wanting to pitch in some for the meal). Dad says Nah, she probably knows way more about waitressing than I do","Everyone groaned and left the table" +"You can't run thru a camp ground","You can only ran, because it's past tents" +"I used to have this girlfriend that was really loose . I'm pretty sure she had 61 lovers before me","I know this for a fact, because she always used to call me her 60 second lover" +"If Watson isn't the most famous doctor in the world","Then Who is" +"What's brown and sticky","A stick" +"When I visited Paris, I jumped off a bridge","They told me I was in Seine" +"How do spiders make a living","Web sites" +"my father in-law is the annoying king of dadjokes. pulled out this monster today My wife was telling her mom about a story she read online about a crazy boyfriend who cut his girlfriends young sons head off. Her mom freaks out and goes omg where","Dad responds right above the shoulders where else" +"Why does a chicken coop have two doors","Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan" +"Seven is a weird number How","I don't know it's just odd" +"Puns about philosophy are not popular","But it has a Nietzsche market" +"My wife and I are going through some rough shit right now","Our toddler ate sand and pooped all over the kitchen floor" +"Did you hear about the fly on the toilet seat","He got pissed off" +"We need to add three more states to the. United. States of. America 53 states would make it a prime number;","One nation, indivisible." +"Only been a dad for a few weeks. Was painting our office and mentioned to my mother in law that the walls looked cold. She was confused","I explained, the walls needed a second coat" +"Me: Dad, why do you love that chair so much","Dad: because my recliner and I go way back" +"It must be great to be an electrician's kid","They never get grounded." +"Marine meets old squadmate [x-post r/4chan] http://i. imgur. com/1hOCrFH","png" +"Mountains are not funny","They're hill areas" +"Bread is like the sun","It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist" +"who is the storm of soccer player. Harry. Kane (((maybe it's not original but","I love this" +"I drove my wife to a colonoscopy this morning. As we were leaving the house I told her… Ok","get your ass in the car and let’s get this shit show on the road" +"This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant","and then put it back on the shelf" +"What do you call a gay couch","A homosectional" +"Why are jokes about communism so funny","Because everybody gets them" +"My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought","It’s an extremely rare dish order" +"Remember when you were little and used to blow bubbles. Me: Yeah, why. Dad: Well he's back in town and wants your number","" +"How does a hotel room taste","Suite" +"My cousin dropped his computer on his foot","He says it MegaHertz" +"My dad threw this one out after my brother jokingly called my a lesbian. Bro: /u/le90skid's a lesbian. My sister: Wow. We just learned your gender and sexualitly in one go. That's a lot to take in","Dad: It's nothing to take in, that's the point" +"When you ask a dad if he's alright","No, I’m half left" +"When my wife and I started dating, I took her on a date that cost an arm and a leg","I guess you could say I went out on a limb for her" +"I used to work at a fire hydrant factory","I could never find a place to park!" +"I just bought a box of burned out lightbulbs","For watt it's worth, it wasn't a bright idea on my part" +"Dadjoked a hapless customer today Customer: Can I borrow your toilet. As long as you bring it back. She pauses, it clicks, the eyes roll","One day someone will laugh" +"My wife told me to stop singing “I’m a believer” or she’d kill me. I thought she was kidding","Then I saw her face" +"My dad, on the seats he got us for. Star. Wars. We have fighter jet seats. F17,","F18" +"Did you hear about the guy who only dated women named Esther, sometimes more than one at a time","He identified as poly-Esther" +"Where does the frog store his money","In the river bank" +"Why would C make such a good knife","Because it would B-Sharp" +"I lost my fortune cookie for the sake of a dad joke I was out to lunch with a few colleagues at a local Chinese buffet. The way seating is laid out, we four were seated at a long table with a couple on either end of us. The couple to my left received their fortune cookies and the lady cracked hers open. I heard her disappointment as she told her husband in anguish There's no fortune in mine. My fortune cookie has no fortune. I looked at her and said Ma'am, that's unfortunate. All my colleagues collectively sighed, and my buddy across the table from me said You know what scrovak, that was so bad, she gets your cookie now","The lady was delighted both at the joke and the new cookie" +"What do you call security guards working at the Samsung Store","Guardians of the Galaxy" +"Nintendo pls (x-post /r/gaming) Figured that /r/dadjokes may like this. I think Nintendo is up to something punny. http://i. imgur. com/An9w3pH","png" +"Wife told me to wear a bluish-grey shirt. Wife: wear the blue-grey hylete instead. Me: but I like the brown one so I'm gonna wear that. See abigail (our daughter) is wearing pink and white, you're wearing purple and grey and I'm wearing brown. Me: This way people know I'm the shit in this family","Wife then proceeded to rolls eyes while I laughed" +"Got my wife before Mass yesterday. I was doing the reading from Numbers and there were two obscure guys named Eldad and Medad. She wanted to make sure I knew how to post. Wife: Did you know how to pronounce the elders. Me: Yep. El Dad and Me Dad. unless Eldad is transgender, then it's Ladad Wife: *rolls eyes* Me: Or would it be Lamom. Not sure about her pronouns. Wife: Stop it Me: If she wrote a folk song, would it be Lamomba. Wife: I think you've had enough practice with your dad jokes. Me: Yep. Medad","" +"Why did Han Solo wait to ask Princess Leia to marry him","He didn’t want to force it" +"Mountains aren't just funny","They're hill areas" +"What are plants that captured evidence of crime called","Photowitnesses" +"What's the difference between molecules and atoms. molecules are particles of stuff and adam is a kid in my class. This was actually said to me by my 4th grade daughter as we were talking about the homework she had","She got a huge smirk on her face as she said it too, she knew exactly what she was doing/saying" +"Time flies like an arrow","Fruit flies like a banana" +"Today, my son Sam told me that he feels like a woman trapped in a man’s body","I’ve always wanted a Trans Sam" +"My wife told me she thinks the Presidential elections will get cancelled b/c of the coronavirus","I told her that it would never happen, but if it did it would be un-President-ed for this nation" +"People get shocked after I work for them","I wonder why they keep saying I am a bad electrician," +"What do you call a scary meme","A Screme" +"A friend of mine’s dog died. So I got her an identical one","She was livid and said, “what am I going to do with 2 dead dogs" +"My wife is so unreasonable. First she told me to get a baby monitor Then she told me she doesn’t want lizards in the house","Make up your mind" +"Did you hear about the two thiefs Did you hear about the two thiefs who stole a calendar","They each got six months" +"You know Murphy's Law. It's If something can go wrong, it will , but do you know Cole's law. It's","shredded cabbage, mayonnaise, maybe some carrot" +"“Dad, my gf is pregenant” Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant Son, I'm not mad","Just disappointed Hi disappointed, I'm dad Son, did you just- Yes You're ready" +"I recently got a new pair of gloves But there both left handed","On one hand it’s great but on the other hand, it’s just not right" +"My Sister Got Taller My aunt hadn’t seen my sister in a while and when she saw her, her response “My my. You’ve grown another foot","” It was very inconvenient going shoe shopping for her" +"Did you hear about the intergalactic restaurant","Great food, neat menu, but no atmosphere" +"What's the internal temperature of a tauntaun","Luke warm" +"Whats a ghost's favorite doughnut","A Freddy kruller" +"Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5","Didgeri My to doo list" +"The dentist Dentist: what's the problem. Patient: I think it's my molars. Dentist: ah ok, let me just push your tongue down. Have you been sad recently. Patient: *no, why","Dentist: Your tongue's depressed" +"What's a pirate's favourite letter","Kid: Rrrrrrrr Me: aye, you'd think twould be Rrrrr, but his first love is the C" +"Wasn't sure if my boss was a dad or not, until he hit me with this gold. Coworker: You do know that those chips have ethanol in them right","Boss: *turns around and looks at me* I GUESS THAT'S WHY I AM FULL OF GAS" +"My mom made this one. I was telling my mom [this](http://images. cpcache. com/image/13621509. png) joke went she replied: Some of you chemistry people can be unstable sometimes","As a lover of chemistry jokes, I laughed heartily" +"How does the pope pay for stuff he wins on ebay. Papal","com" +"Last Thanksgiving I cut myself with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law walks up and grabs the bloody cut and starts twisting it. I screamed “Ouch, what are you doing","” He says, “I’m applying the turn-a-cut" +"when man first discovered electricity","it was reported that the results were shocking" +"Her: You always blame everyone else when things go wrong","Me: And whose fault is that" +"Got my coworkers yesterday. My coworkers and I were taking asbestos safety classes. The instructor told us to do a good job on our tests. I looked over at the instructor and said, I'll do this job, asbestos I can","Instructor couldn't contain himself" +"You guys wanna hear a joke about a flat tire","No pressure" +"I had dinner in a new 5* restaurant where the meals are served in elevators","Really taking dining to the next level OR I'm moving up in the world" +"Going to be a dad officially in a month. I think the change is happening. Went to visit the in-laws, and as soon as we walk in the door Mother-in-law: So, JustAPaddy, what are you upto. Me: Oh, about 6'1 My father-in-law laughed hard and pats me on the shoulder, we are the only two that laughed","my wife and MIL groaned" +"What is the difference between people in Abu Dhabi and Dubai","People in Dubai don't watch the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabi do" +"Saturday evening BBQing, and my Dad says Saturday evening BBQing with the family. I am standing next to the grill watching my Dad grilling up some steaks. Me, quietly admiring my dad's grilling finesse and enjoying the smells of the bbq","Then my Dad who can't stand the silence any longer says You know, I bet pedophiles love veal" +"I didn’t want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when","I got home, all the signs were there" +"It takes the cake x 2 I was trying to make room for leftovers in the fridge and got out the last huge piece of cake. My daughter wanted all of it. I told her not to as it would go to waste. She took that as a challenge and finished it all. The smirk on her face disappeared when I pointed at her stomach and said See, it went to your waist. My other daughter walked in and asked who ate the last of the cake. I explained that her sister did because I was cleaning out the fridge so I can fit in the leftovers. It was difficult, but once I took out the dessert, it was","(wait for it) a piece of cake" +"I wanted a job I could do while stoned, so I got one as a handyman at an apartment complex","Now I'm high maintenance" +"Two guys walk into a bar","The third guy ducks" +"My dad just dad-joked the Olympics While watching the ice skating competition. I hope these judges take their time. Why","There's no need to be Russian to make a decision" +"How do you know when an octopus has diarrhea","It leaves squid-marks" +"I was walking past a construction site in town and one of the engineers scowled at me and told me to eff off","Guess he failed his degree im Civil Engineering" +"What did the cannibal get when he showed up late for dinner","the cold shoulder" +"Mountains aren't just funny","They are hill areas" +"How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb","Usually just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change" +"There's a giant fly attacking the police station. Don't worry,. I've called in the","SWAT team" +"My 7 year old son is doing well in his dad joke training. Son: When do cows moo a lot. Me: I don't know, when","Son: When they com-moo-nicate" +"I had a dad joke while working as a to go host at a restaurant. I was working on the 4th of July. Guy comes in. Orders a burger with a side of French fries. We were out of fries so he decides to order a side soup: French onion. I ring in the order and he goes outside to wait, there were a few other customers out there smoking. The chef calls the front desk to let me know that we were also out of French onion. It was late at night so this happens occasionally. I go outside to let him know we were out, so that he can order something else. The other costumers smoking overhear me telling him that We are out of French onion soup . The guy smoking says man, you guys are out of French fries too what the heck. I chime in well it is Independence Day. They all laughed, and the guy ordered the lobster bisk. I high fived myself on the way back to the stand","Sorry for the lengthy post" +"I can't believe I got the chance & missed it. This never happens to me. I was in a hardware store (B&Q) returning a wrong item I bought for my boss & was waiting patiently at the customer returns counter with a few other customers ahead of me. The guy in front was a middle-aged dude (a Dad, if you will) who had come to ask them about some lights he had bought 6 years ago & whether they had the same ones still in stock. The lady behind the counter was new and was getting increasingly confused with the computer-till. Everyone was in good spirits (I'm in the UK, we know how to queue) and I was happy to be out of the office so we just waited. I saw it coming a mile away. The dude in front of me was showing the store clerk the unopened box of the bulb he wanted to return for his lights, whilst she was having no luck with the computer and called for help. A second, and then a third store employee we gathered around the computer trying to figure it out. It was right there on the tip of my tongue. I'm an anxious guy, so I was shaking with a handful of people around me, ready to go out in all my glory with the line. BUT HE GOT THERE FIRST. The dude calmly turned to the queue and smirked, How many B&Q employees does it take to change a lightbulb. Am I right","TL;DR Got out-Dad'd" +"Was telling my dad some dad jokes. After a few jokes, he says Tell me some more corny jokes","I'm all ears" +"Why is playing craps better in Hawaii","Because it's a tropical pair of dice" +"Did you hear about the Ion criminal. He was charged","My 9 year old came up with that" +"What did the Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife","Nothing he was gladiator" +"My dad just sent me this. http://i. imgur. com/kDs4Nrj. jpg Oh dad","Never change" +"Dad in training. My partner and I went in for her first appointment since we found out she is pregnant. While taking blood, she said, that's a lot of vials. Immediately, I respond with, I don't know why people call them that. I don't think they are so vile. How am I doing","Will I make a good dad" +"If at first you don't succeed","Then you shouldn't go skydiving" +"What kind of lunch meat dances inappropriately","Twerkey" +"Did you hear about the man who ended up shorter after a car accident","He lost a couple feet" +"What do you call a sleeping bull","A bulldozer" +"Hey guys, I've been thinking","I thought you'd like to know" +"Mickey: Are you ok Goofy. Goofy: No I hurt my knee. &nbsp; Mickey: which one","&nbsp; Goofy: Disney" +"At an Indian restaurant with my parents. An actual dad joke from about an hour ago. He delivered it flawlessly","My dad holds up the empty bread basket to the waiter and, with a serious face, says this bread, we have naan" +"Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume. Me: That’s when I went to Yale. Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired. Me: Thanks","I really need this Yob" +"I had a silver dollar, but then my dog got a hold of it","Now I have a bitcoin" +"Shampoo This morning my girlfriend was telling me about her new shampoo, that comes without additives and sulfates and all that jazz","GF: It's called no poo shampoo Me: Sounds like a bit of a sham to me She didn't get it" +"I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but","I turned myself around." +"I Tried To Sue The Airline For Misplacing My Luggage","I lost my case" +"My grandpa expressed a new interest in. Korean culture","I said 'kay, pop." +"Heard an amazing dad joke at the beach today I'm laying on the sand with my girlfriend and there's a couple behind us. A big wave washed far up on shore and caused little tiny waves. The girl says look at those little tiny waves to which the guy replies, those are called microwaves","She let out a loud groan of disgust" +"Me: Hey Dad, how’s life. Dad: ah, now you’re asking the real questions","Always been one of my favorite cereals" +"Revenge [How does it feel. ](https://31. media. tumblr. com/102803f2f6bcae52b78347b0508c50d6/tumblr_mwx96fgaAs1s75g3ro1_500","jpg)" +"Ask Reddit has given us some quality material. [Enjoy](http://www. reddit","com/r/AskReddit/comments/28wxd0/can_we_have_a_dadjoke_off/)" +"When did the cow go to work","Just the udder day" +"What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot","A Sasquash" +"Some say the post office is a very mail dominated workplace","But if a woman wants to work there i say letter" +"Did you hear about the time Bob Dylan did a show in a prison","It was a captive audience" +"My grandfather used to circumcise elephants","The wages weren't great but the tips were huge" +"My statics professor isn’t kind. She told me everything","I’ll ever do in her class will amount to nothing" +"If dad jokes could wear boxing gloves, this would be the knock out punch. http://imgur","com/gallery/slx5NK3/new" +"Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant Son I'm not mad","just disappointed Hi disappointed, I'm dad Son did you just- Yes You're ready" +"My friend told me a joke about The Raven","It was in Poe taste" +"Wanna see a trick","trick" +"If you want to prove that dog is truly mans best friend","Lock up your dog and wife in the boot of your car for an hour and see who's happiest to see you when you let them out" +"What’s a feminist’s favorite fruit","A mango" +"My wife still misses me","BUT HER AIM IS GETTIN' BETTER" +"Overheard at the local diner just now… Dad, can we have an ice cream sundae. Not today. It's Saturday","He laughed" +"What do Chinese people call 2000 lbs","Wonton" +"What is a pirate's favorite restaurant","Arby's" +"What do ships eat for breakfast","Boatmeal" +"You have to be an Internet Explorer","To go on a Safari" +"PSA: Stay out of r/Trees","That subreddit is rather shady" +"Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence","It was udder destruction" +"I lived in a houseboat for a while, and started seeing the girl next door","Eventually we drifted apart" +"Me and daughter at the beach. I gave her the setup: Me: They say the tide is caused by the moon, but it's actually caused by the nose. Daughter rolls her eyes, but finally gives in: No, it's snot","That's my girl" +"I saw a sign today that made me piss myself. It said TOILETS","CLOSED" +"Dadjoked by a flower shop this morning http://i. imgur. com/pKs2b8j","jpg I don't know, but this place might be growing on me" +"What do you call a dog that eats other dogs","A caninbal" +"I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection","She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns" +"A man ran through the waiting room, barged into the doctors office and said Doctor, help me quick I've swallowed a pool ball","The doctor looked at him crossly, pointed out of the door and said get to the end of the cue" +"My. Swedish sedan was plagued by years of maintenance issues. It was quite the","Saab story" +"Got dadjoked by my 6yo daughter today I had just picked her up from school. Daughter: How do trees say goodbye. Me: (Stumped at such a random question) I'm not sure, do you know how","Daughter: They don't, they just leaf" +"I went to the local. Kleptomaniacs","Anonymous meeting last night but all the seats were taken." +"What is red and bad for your teeth. A brick","🧱" +"Dad jokes aren't meant to make sense","That's why I'm so poor" +"Wife asked me where the cookie dough was","My reply: I dough know Got a solid eyeroll for that one" +"My cousin sprung this one on me while we were talking about cars Me: I wonder how the Lamborgini Aventador got it's name. Cousin: Well look at it from the side Me: Why","Cousin: Well because there's a vent and a door" +"Sometimes I talk to myself when I'm alone and that's sad","Me too" +"I invented a new word the other day","Plagiarism" +"Making a water bed bouncy is easy","All you have to do is Use spring water" +"My dad's been gone almost four years, but his jokes live on When the door is opened: Close that door, what, we're you raised in a barn","My dad: ( mooing ) Nooooooooo When his mom used to tell him to be home by 12 on weekend nights: okay, have lunch ready" +"My wife is just ignoring me now . She's allergic to our cat so we keep the door closed to our bedroom. I told her I don't like kicking the cat out of there when he sneaks in","I don't want him to feel like an outcats" +"I saw the police chasing a guy down the street, who'd just stolen an inexpensive board game","It was a real trivial pursuit" +"Honestly women shouldn't have children after 35","That'd be way too many" +"Why were the man’s clothes covered in pictures of trains","It was a *track suit" +"I always remind my kids to stay in school","But they keep coming back" +"I'll tell you what","What" +"My dad told me he can speak 6 languages fluently","It's English, American, Canadian, Australian, Kiwi and Jamaican" +"What’s blue but not heavy","Light blue" +"Why was the borrowed money sad","It was a loan" +"What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colors anymore","A reptile dysfunction" +"What do you call a male buffalo","A buffellow" +"How do you catch a unique bird","unique up on it" +"My organic cactus juice tastes weird","I think somebody spiked it" +"After seeing my girlfriend in the shoe department","So, this is where you do your sole searching" +"A chicken that swears","uses fowl language" +"Did you know the Lion King has a much deeper meaning than most people realize","It's totally full of Simba-lism" +"Where is the best place to buy Cheerios and donuts","Hole Foods" +"I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner","Well, it was just collecting dust" +"Why aren't there any casinos in africa","Because of all the cheetahs" +"Why do Pencils shave","To look sharp" +"Dad joke my wife multiple times a week Wife: I'm going to hop in the shower","Me: Most people just stand there while showering" +"What's the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer","The taste" +"What’s a mathematician’s favourite food","Fibonachos" +"Daughter was asking about planets. she asked me, are any hot. I said, Yes, Mercury and Venus are hot because they are so close to the sun. She asked, Are any cold. Yes, the ones outside our orbit are cold. Mars, Jupiter and so on. What color are they. , she asked. Well, the Earth is blue and green, Mars is red because of iron, Jupiter has a cool red spot. What color is Uranus. . It's brown, and very windy","" +"Sorry for being too lazy to look but does anyone remember seeing the joke on this sub about the chiropractor","Someone posted it about a weak back" +"Cracked myself up earlier. wife just groaned. 2 year old wanted to pretend my wife was a doctor and he and I were her patients. Aside from my waggling my eyebrows and telling her I'd play doctor with her later, while we were laying on the ground, our cat came up and started sniffing me. I told my wife that I didn't consent to the CAT scan","Now she needs a doctor after her eyes rolled out of her head" +"Fred is a hippo who went to University where everyone is a hippo One day, someone asked him where the medical building was, Fred replied, it's over there and to the left. I do research on the brain in there","Fred is an expert on the hippocampus" +"Why do birds sit on their eggs","Because they don’t have chairs" +"Before Coffee at the Office Walking back from the kitchen at work with a snack I turn to my coworker and say: I like pears, which is why I'm bummed there was only 1 Ok dude , he waits for a moment and looks at me. Was there a hidden joke in there. He questions skeptically. I smile at him and wait a moment","Realization dawns on his face and he curses and turns away trying not to show that he's laughing" +"Proud of myself for this one. Me- We have great news. We're pregnant. Brother- Awesome. Do u know the sex yet. Me- Of course we know 'the sex'","How do u think we got pregnant, silly" +"I feel so unfocused this year","hopefully things clear up in 2020" +"No matter how kind you might be","German children are kinder" +"My wife told me, When you kiss my neck, it feels magical","I guess you could say I'm a neckromancer" +"Heres one i get coworkers with from time to time. Me: Hey, they’re stopping all the buses outside. Coworker: What. Why","Me: To let the people get off and on" +"My friend went to a wedding yesterday. He said it was very emotional","Even the cake was in tiers" +"So a termite walks into a bar and asks","Where is the bartender" +"I started my own cooking show in Egypt","It's called: Wok like an Egyptian" +"What do you call a secret place that grows Bananas, that you can only access through the back of a wardrobe","Banarnia" +"After getting sick of my dad jokes, my wife locked me out of the house","I texted her: Oh pun the door" +"Are you my date today","Because you're 10/10" +"A book fell on me while working at my desk","I've only my shelf to blame" +"I woke up this morning and made my way into the kitchen, where I found my dad","I asked him how he had slept, and he replied: Lying down" +"“How do evil cows laugh when they are being bad. ” “Moooooooo-wa-hahahahaha","” From my 10yo who said he might want to be a comedian when he grows up" +"What do you do when you see a spaceman You park your car, man. My wife didn't laugh, but my toddler did","Probably because Daddy was cracking up so hard" +"Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c","Because you can’t see in the dark" +"Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement","in the end, you ignore it all and click I agree" +"Apparently, Jude Law has a vegetarian son","Coles Law" +"Yesterday I stood in front of Ben's reading light Him: dad why","Me: I'm an eclipse Him: not this again Me: I block the light of the son" +"There's no such thing as a good dilemma. They are by definition bad. Give me one example. An example of a good dilemma","No problem" +"Why do chicken coops have only two doors","Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans" +"Santa. Cause","No L ." +"My kids asked whether you smell burnt toast or burnt popcorn when you're having a stroke. I told them, It's. Different. Strokes for. Different","Folks." +"Where do fish that don’t believe anything live","In de Nile" +"If you love Christmas so much then","why don't you MERRY it" +"Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is","In a nutshell, it's an oak tree" +"Last field trip my dad went on. My sister took my dad on a field trip. He was reading a list of parent volunteers and saw another dad was called Mr. Pickle. So of course he says, 'Wow, he must be a really big pickle. ' The kids just stared at him and Mr. Pickle was behind him, very tall and giving him a scary look. My dad mumbles, '-it's for the kids","' This is why my sister doesn't take our parents on field trips" +"Dad Joke My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers","They say he made a mint" +"To the person who stole my MS Office, I will find you","You have my word" +"Tonight at dinner. Mom: Oh so this is. Kale","Dad: Kale yeah it is!" +"I recently quit my job as a maze designer","It was a dead-end job" +"Dr. Frankenstien","Literally tried to charge an arm and a leg." +"I always wanted to be a cardiologist. But then","I realised my heart wasn't in it" +"I'm not a grammar. Nazi","I'm alt-write." +"I wanted to make a reservation for a table at the library today","Too bad they were completely booked" +"What do you get when you roll two prisms together","A collideoscope" +"Bullets are so weird","They only do their job, after they're fired" +"What do you call a big pile of cats","A meow-tain" +"Dad's take on lunch meat How is corned beef made","By people standing around it and telling bad jokes (*introspective pause*) like this one" +"My uncle had a headache and asked my aunt for a Tylenol She told him she doesn't have any but she's got Aleve. I piped up and asked well where you going","In the room full of about fifteen people, I got a big mix of groans and genuine laughs" +"What do you call James Bond in a Jaccuzi","Bubble-0 Seven" +"Driving through the harbour tunnel in Baltimore, I asked my kids to tell me if they see anything interesting in the tunnel. They said there was nothing interesting, just tiles and other cars. I said that's because the tunnel is bored . They didn't get it. I told them you have to dig deep for that one. Eventually they got it, and told me to stop telling bad jokes","I wanted to see how low I could go" +"The one who invented the 'Knock Knock' jokes","Definitely deserves a 'No Bell' prize" +"I used to have a fear of hurdles. But","I got over it." +"I asked my friend, an interior decorator, what trends are popular right now","He said chimneys are through the roof" +"I'm a 50-year old with the body of a 35-year old","I *really* need to get rid of it before the cops find me!" +"A proud new dad sits to have a drink with his father. Well son, now that you've got a kid of your own, I think it's time to give you this Dad, you don't mean- Yes son, I do Dad pulls out a copy of 1001 dad jokes. Dad . I'm honoured . , he says, tears sparkling in his eyes. Hi honored , replies his father","I'm dad" +"I put bread on the table. It’s the yeast","I can do!" +"UK Elections have confirmed one thing. May is over","It's June" +"Since I'm missing my awesome dad today- here's one of his favorites Dad- Why do elephants wear green tennis shoes. Me- dunno, why. Dad- So they can hide in lime trees without being seen. Ever seen an elephant in a lime tree. Me- No Dad- It works. Why do you never go in the jungle between 3 and 4 in the afternoon. Me- Dunno, why. Dad- That's when the elephants are jumping out of trees. Why are pygmies so short. Me- . Dad- They went into the jungle between 3 and 4 in the afternoon. Gosh it was silly, but I loved it","Alternatively- he'd tell is as Elephants wear greens tennis shoes so they can walk across pool tables without being seen" +"What did the inventor of the walkie-talkie call a nightmare","A screamie dreamie" +"When you have a bladder infection, one thing is for sure","Urine trouble" +"What did the buffalo say to his boy when he left for college","Bison :(" +"TIL that when the ancient Assyrians captured an enemy, they cut his legs off at the ankles","They made sure he was defeeted" +"What’s an alcoholic frog’s favorite game","Hopscotch" +"Dad got my mom with this one My dad wasn't feel well one day. After he took some medication, my Mom later asked: So how are you feeling","To which my dad replied, With my fingers" +"I'm addicted to ladders","I just love how high they get me." +"What do you call an alligator that likes to start trouble","An instigator" +"My friend always prefers renting out his apartment to Chinese chefs","They are usually lo mein tenants" +"I suppose this is my first official dad joke. When my wife and I were expecting our son, everyone always wanted to know what we were having. We were waiting until birth to find out the gender so instead of explaining our decision to wait, I always told them a baby","If they asked me what I wanted my response was human" +"Did you know the first French fries weren’t made in France","They were made in Greece" +"What do you call a cow that just gave birth","Decalffenated" +"When dogs get old","do they suffer from arf -ritis" +"My niece picked up a stuffed animal recently. It was a cat inside a banana peel. She kept going on and on about It's so cute. I asked her So you're telling me it has appeal","I think a part of her died at that" +"I was eating at an Indian restaurant and the server said, “Curry ok. ” I said, “Fine","One song, but then I want dessert" +"Giraffes are truly","Necks level" +"I want to be frank with you guys. But","I'd have to change my name first" +"What do you call. Pi when she complains about her infinite problems","Irrational" +"I walked right into this one. Put a post on Facebook for my mom, but [dad](http://i. imgur. com/GqMAZ7C","png) struck first" +"Did you know Queen did Hip Hop too","They had released a Bohemian Rap CD" +"I used to be a landscape photographer","But after a while, I just couldn't picture myself in the field anymore" +"Finally finished my spice book","It's about thyme" +"I had to leave my job as a cul-de-sac designer","It was a dead end job" +"There are two fish in a tank","One says to the other, How do you drive this thing?" +"My dog's tail fell off and I am not sure why","Waiting on the vet to give me a detailed report" +"What do you call a prostitue that only works for law enforcement branches of the government","Police Escort" +"During Breakfast What starts with a p and ends with poop","Prunes" +"Dads are like Boomerangs","I hope" +"Where did the religious craps player go after he died","Pair o’ dice" +"Ask me if I have a Banana in my ear. Do you have a banana in your ear. . huh","what" +"Do you know why pilots never get sick on the job","Because they're above the weather" +"I need a seven-letter word describing constipation","N _ _ _ _ _ N Ngggghn" +"My roommate's puppy won't stop yipping. I think it has early onset","Barkinson's" +"My wife is really made at me for having a bad sense of direction. So","I packed up my stuff and left" +"My best friend made me some cookies the other day. Wow, did you make them yourself","Yeah, He responded They're *Homie* made" +"I just received my first universal remote","This changes everything" +"My sister is anxiously waiting for the hair dye she ordered online to be delivered","If it doesn't arrive this morning, she'll just have to dye another day" +"I don’t drink anymore. I don’t drink any less either","(My dad just told me this one)" +"What do you call a Roman with a cold","Julius Sneezar" +"Can I take your vitals. Just don't take them too far. My old man is in the hospital recovering from a stroke, and just had this exchange with a nurse","I'm very relieved to see he's still it" +"Never drink with ghosts","They can't handle their BOOs" +"I have just discovered that. I have a logic fetish,","I can't stop coming to conclusions." +"How does the Flash like his eggs","Runny" +"Breaking news","Corduroy pillows are making headlines" +"Several people have been found lying dead in puddles of milk with bananas in their hands","Police are searching for a cereal killer" +"Why doesn’t the duck get scared","Because he can’t get goose-bumps" +"I don't like pears","I want them all to disap" +"A new relationship is like a old car","If there’s no spark, you’re not going anywhere" +"My dad has a fear of speedbumps","But he's slowly getting over it." +"My mother wanted me to be an optician","I just couldn't see myself in that line of work" +"Dad carried a random turnip around and would leave it places waiting for someone to find it, just so he could say. Ah great. That's mine","I knew it would turnip somewhere" +"I'm too lazy to fight","Turns out I'm the passive-est" +"There's no such thing as a good story about Swiss cheese","There's always too many holes in the plot" +"My son asked me what our IP address was","I pointed to the toilet" +"Why do werewolves listen to the same song over and over","They like Lupin it" +"So I hired this dude to count people in the Bible for me. How many Noah's are there. How many Moseses. That sort of thing. Well, today, he stopped about halfway through. I'm sad to say that I had to let him go","I mean, he only had one Job" +"Where do werewolves live","Warehouses" +"I knew a guy named. Justin. Time","He was almost late to everything." +"I'm a jealous boyfriend. My girlfriend and I were shopping for groceries for my place at whole foods yesterday and she was reading a list of things to buy. In the middle of the list was Fungi . Fungi. You mean mushrooms. I asked. No, we need fungi. Wait, we don't have to buy it. I have Chinese fungi at my place she replied. Hmmm. I don't like that you have a Chinese fungi at your place Why. Well, how would YOU like it if I had a Chinese fun *girl* at my place. She laughed out loud","She's a keeper" +"My platoon sergeant's name is Lami He was explaining to us what we should do with our new maps Platoon sergeant: You have to trim it down to the area we're in and then waterproof it. Me: So you're saying we have to","*lami*nate it" +"How much did Santa Claus pay for his sleigh","Nothing, it was on the house" +"What is so secretive about being in bed","You're undercover" +"What do you call beer that a Jewish man makes","Hebrew" +"Why do Scottish people wear kilts","Cause goats can hear a zipper a mile away" +"Sinks can’t open doors","Let that sink in" +"What do you get when you cross a paedophile and a pirate R","Kelly" +"My son wished me Happy Father's Day this morning. I said Thanks","I couldn't have done it without you" +"What are the least used letters in the alphabet","l, p, h, b, e and t" +"Did you hear about the man who got all his left part chopped off","He's alright now" +"I finally got my book about clocks written","It’s about time" +"Why can’t you starve in the desert","Because of the sand which is there" +"Im getting nowhere with my dad's Christmas list. Me: What do you want for Christmas. Dad: A sweater always works. although I do have your mother and she sweats enough for both of us","This was through text message, so yes all those exclamation points are necessary" +"Life is full of complications","Even when you're born, there is a string attached" +"How did the pianist cut their fingers","They played too many sharp notes" +"Why do teenagers love meat so much. Because meat is Protein","I should go" +"What do you call a Waffle on a So Cal beach","A Sandy Eggo" +"If a fit bit is fake","Does that make it counterfit?" +"Dad joked my husband at the movie theater Me: Did you put butter on the popcorn. Him: Yeah, I must have been pouring butter for a solid minute. Me: Thank god it wasn't a gaseous minute. Him: That would have been very unpleasant for the people around me","We make a good team :)" +"A good resolution to have","1080p" +"A man selling a matress A: Do you want to buy this mattress","B: I'm not sure, I'll have to sleep on it" +"A truck filled with vinegar and a truck filled with water collided on the freeway today. You wouldn't believe the sound they made","*dooooouuuuuuche*" +"Did you hear about the Tupperware sales lady getting arrested. She put up a fight","it took five officers to container" +"My wife said that I won’t advance in my career because I procrastinate too much. I said, “Oh yeah","Just you wait" +"What clothing does a house wear","It's address" +"That's a nice ham you've got there. It would be a shame if","I added an 's' and an 'e' to it." +"What is a bees favorite Disney character","BUZZ Lightyear" +"Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 vitamins at me, but I'm okay","the wounds were super fish oil" +"Dad joke my teacher told us students. Student: how long is the test","My Teacher: about 28 cm" +"Count. Dracula","One." +"I entered an astronomy competition. I didn't win","But I did get the constellation prize" +"Classic dad at the Verizon store My dad and I walk into the Verizon store because my mom's iPhone mysteriously stopped working. The clerk working at the front desk came up to us an asked us a few questions about the phone. He asked my dad, Have you ever introduced the phone to water. To which my dad quickly responded to with Yes, I said, phone, this is water. Water, this is phone","the clerk didn't get why my dad and I started laughing" +"There's a decline in exit sign use","Experts are saying they are on the way out" +"My friend made a post on facebook about being homophobic. Friend: Now look, maybe i am homophobic. I dont hate any group of people but what is homophobia. Phobia, its a fear of something right. Now if you say to me, are you afraid of getting fucked in the ass. I dont want to offend anybody but id have to say yes. It might be my single biggest fucking fear. Im also afraid of heights. But id have to put getting fucked in the ass right up there with heights","-Artie Lange ___ Friends Dad: I didn't realize I was afraid of needles until I got tetanus shot, how did you realize your fear" +"I used to be addicted to soap but","I'm clean now" +"While watching Transformers: Age of Extinction with my wife I notice one the autobots was pretty hefty. I said to my wife, He must be eating too many carb-uretors. Thanks to a friend for this joke who just had his 3rd girl","God bless him" +"My boyfriend was at his friend's house And his friend's Russian dad came in to his room and saw that my boyfriend is wearing a splint","He asked my boyfriend what's wrong, and he replied I use the mouse too much , so his friend's dad asked did you try a cat" +"What do you call a bathroom in jail","Arrest Room" +"Courtesy of my dad this morning. Do you think after","Noah set sail on the ark he said Barn-voyage ?" +"i asked my ancient rome professor if he knew. Harry. Potter","He asked me which one" +"Co-worker: I watched my first porno last night. Me: Your first one. Yeah, bullshit. Him: No really","My god did I ever look young" +"Why do cows have hooves","Because they lack toes" +"Dad holds baby boy Baby smiles and starts to coo","Hai ku, I am dad" +"Whenever I am trying to have a serious conversation with my dad. Me: Dad, I am serious. Dad: Serious","I thought you were Holly (my name) I'm 22, I still get a kick out of it" +"What did the urban youth say in the suburban yoga studio","What's Up-Dog" +"Sometimes. I lie down and spin to one side. That's just how","I roll" +"Why can't a sidewalk be three feet long","Because then it would be a yard" +"Why did the corn maze go back to school","It was tired of working in a dead end field" +"I tried to catch some fog before","Mist" +"What do you call an American bee","A USB" +"Someone tried to scam me by selling invisibility cloaks","I saw right through it" +"Babies toes are almost the same size and shape as tic-tacs. That makes them tic-tac-toes. My friend is a new dad and posted this one to Facebook","Instant facepalm" +"First ever Thai massage My buddy makes dad jokes all the time. [Check out this video he made](https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=4TqjXZFtaWk) *groan*" +"I'm sitting in traffic with my dad today when he scoffs, shakes his head, throws up his hand and says look at THIS clown over here. I look over and there is literally a dude in full clown make-up driving a vw bettle next to us","Pop maintained a straight face through the whole thing" +"Told my. Dad. I was eating at a. Peruvian restaurant. He said, If you order a. Peruvian beer and it's bad, will you call it an. Inca","Stinka?" +"Good thing ants have a queen","Wouldn’t want any antarchy" +"What do a call a parking lot that has been flooded","Car pool" +"Roger Federer is a total dad. https://i. imgur. com/xcCcI","jpg" +"My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction","So I packed up my stuff and right" +"What do you call a financially savvy reptile","An invest-o-gator" +"One of my tellers dropped a check and spat out this gem","Well it didn't bounce so it must be good" +"My dad proudly dad joked me this evening We were out of paper towels in the kitchen and we keep the extra rolls in our linen closet. He was walking by so I asked him to grab a new roll","As he walked into the kitchen he announced that the paper towels were out of the closet and he supported their right to marry" +"I've decided to give my collection of used batteries away","Free of charge" +"Is your name Mary","Cuz you so poppin" +"Someone took their deceased cat to a taxidermist but they stuffed the wrong end","It was a cat-ass-trophy" +"Why does the king have armies","So he can wave his little handsies" +"groans in anthropology class. My professor: just wanted to check in with everybody since we are not really in sync with the syllabus","it isnt that we are the backstreet boys either cue collective groans at 8 AM" +"Why did the melon get married at home","Can't elope" +"I was at a bar, about to ask a girl out, when suddenly the lights went out","So I took a shot in the dark" +"When you die which body part dies last","The pupils, they dilate" +"Make good choices boys . my wife said to our son and his friends as they were leaving to get pizza","feeling it my duty to chime in, I added Choose pepperoni" +"My dad got a phone call during dinner. Dad's phone rang while we were eating pizza. Its the 3rd time in half an hour","Dad: Everyone wants a pizza me" +"I once tried to vault a bin, but my hands went right in","I felt rubbish" +"I quite enjoy going to work every day","Its the eight hour wait to go home that is extremely frustrating" +"Why did the near blinded man almost fall in the well","He couldn’t see that well" +"Blind people are the most empathic people","They feel everything" +"Turns out when asked who your favorite child is","You’re supposed to pick your own" +"Got my husband with this one when he got out of bed. I'm 29 weeks pregnant Husband: I love you, preggo","Me: I love you too, Ragu" +"I once watched a horror movie about pants","It was full of suspenders" +"I hear that Samsung are employing security guards at all their stores now. does this make them. Guardians of the Galaxy. :D Hotter half shared that with me the other day. We're trying to build up our dad joke repertoire with a recently arrived bub","EDIT: for removal of apostrophe" +"To the guy that invented zero","Thanks for nothing" +"I got fired from my job at the pasta factory","After a fusilli mistakes" +"What do barbers like to eat for dinner","Barber-que" +"The Key To Job Searching Is Looking Deep Within Yourself","It’s all about the inner view" +"I heard the bakers parents were also bakers","You could say he was bread for the job" +"Dad joked by lady at the airport We were crossing the street and the crosswalk speakers goes please cross with caution and I hear from her hey. Are you caution. Because I'm supposed to cross with you","She didn't get much reaction from the guy she said it to so I had to turn around and just gave her a niceee" +"Did you hear about the new grocery store that only sells donuts and bagels","It's called Hole Foods" +"Wife:. I'm pregnant. Dad:. Hi pregnant, i'm. Dad. Wife:","No you're not" +"You know what they say about big raisins","Bigger grapes" +"I think my dad used to be a tennis ball boy","Whenever I open the door to his study room he always shouts OUT" +"Granddad just reeled off this burn: Got on to the subject of ice skating after dinner, when my granddad told us that you can have nasty accidents at ice rinks","Me and your grandma first met at one" +"What did the fish say after he swam into a wall","Dam" +"Went to the chiropractor today When I was checking out I noticed three of the ladies were wearing orange and brown for fall. I say Well orange you ladies lovely today","They loved it" +"Nog Nog Nog Nog. Who's there. Egg. Egg who","Egg knock" +"This is the definition of irony","i·ro·ny ˈīrənē/ noun: irony The expression of one's meaning by using language that normally signifies the opposite, typically for humorous or emphatic effect" +"I before E, except after C","This has been disproved by science" +"So apparently. Donald. Trump is considering putting his son in charge of. NASA","I’m pretty sure that’s neptunism" +"Groups of people who buy the same candles","Have a lot of common scents" +"I wore contacts today. But I brought my glasses in case. http://i. imgur. com/1EsZNrl","jpg" +"What do you call an aroused tree","Hardwood" +"Why is being a pirate so addictive","Once you lose the first hand, you’re hooked" +"The wife got me with this one tonight Wife: You need anything from the kitchen. Me: Yeah, bring me some water. Wife: You want water. Me: Yeah. Wife: Well","water you waiting for" +"Some kids have no concept of fantasy metamorphosis. So I'm at Costco picking up the hot dog meal I had added to my order at the checkout. The girl at the food court register yells to the guy working in the back, Hey. Can you make me a hot dog. I looked at her dead serious, waved my spirit fingers, and said, POOF. YOU'RE A HOT DOG. . She didn't get it","Kids these days" +"Dadjoked my dad from halfway across the planet. My Father is currently on vacation with my Mother in Vietnam and everyday he sends photo trip reports. Today he emailed me and sent the following. Countryside on way to My Son Sanctuary. My Son is thick in the middle of the jungle. To which I replied back","No I'm not, I'm at work" +"I wouldn't buy anything with velcro","It's a total rip-off" +"I never understood why people dislike vegans so much","I have never had a beef with them" +"I swallowed some food coloring today","Doctor says I’ll be fine, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside" +"My wife went into labor today. It’s about time","I’ve been telling her to get a job for months now" +"Reverse dad joke Dad: I've lost my phone. Can you call me so I can hear it. Me: Dad. Dad","" +"Why don't you find Stevie Wonder at the beach","Because he can't sea" +"The football player argued that it was a horse-collar tackle The ref said “neigh” (My Dad just told this joke while watching the Ravens game","The other dads in the room laughed" +"Did you hear about the changes to Darwin’s theory","It’s evolving" +"Most likely a repost but - What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a sheep","A wooly jumper" +"My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction","So I packed up my stuff snd right" +"Why did Snoop Dogg bring an umbrella","Fo Drizzle" +"I wanted to dress up as a. UDP. Packet for. Halloween. But","I’m not sure if anyone will get it" +"How do you make Holy Water","Boil the Hell out of it" +"Issac Newton died a virgin. That means I have one up on one of history’s greatest scientists","Because I’m not dead" +"What's Forrest Gump's wifi password","1forrest1" +"Wife asked me to help with the cooking. **Wife:** Honey, can you please spray Pam on the baking sheet for me so I can finish prepping. **Me:** I can't do that, honey. **Wife:** Why not. **Me:** Pam moved out after we sprayed her the last time","**Three Year Old Daughter:** Oh, brother" +"My pops is about to saw down a tree","My mum said she saw some bunnies in there earlier, he says Anybunny in there?" +"What letters come between I and L. AB","Nah, JK" +"What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car","Carlos" +"My dad is 100% Swedish and this was his favorite joke to tell every waitress when we went out to eat. Waitress: Are you finished","Dad: No, I'm not Finnish, I'm Swedish" +"I dont like outdoor markets","I think they are bazaar" +"The daddest way to answer gamer hate mail. After salty gamer loses to dad in game, salty gamer loses to dad [in chat](http://i. imgur. com/ykFbiue","jpg)" +"My wife thinks. I'm taking too much time mowing the lawn","She said: Stop beating around the bush and get to it!" +"To the mathematician who invented zero","thanks for nothing" +"Every year I know my girlfriend is going to ask me in that same condescending voice whether I'm going to do something different with my hair for Reggaefest","And every year I've dreaded it" +"When it comes to learning Geometry, I am ok with triangles, squares, and rectangles","But when it comes to two unconnected vertices, that’s where I draw the line" +"Do Grandpa Jokes count. My brother was laying in the grass and got up and asked my grandpa if there was anything on his back","My grandpa replied “yea, your shirt”" +"I made my wife smack me last night. The setup: Yesterday morning as I left for work I busted our 16yo son sneaking a girl in to the house. Since I had to get to work I just took all of his electronics. Later in the evening I had a long honest talk with him. Explaining (once again) that I know he's going to fool around but he can't be doing it while his siblings are home alone with him. I finished the conversation with him by asking if I should get him a condom supply. He responded by telling me that he had only been to second base and that there was time yet. So I went to bed where my wife asked how it went. After filling her in I ended by letting her know that our son had been to 2nd base. She replied, Why would you tell me that. I looked her dead in the eyes and replied Just wanted to keep you abreast of the situation","She smacked me" +"My brother threw his hat because of this one Dad: Your mom and I drove past a murder scene today. Brother: Seriously. Like a real one","Dad: Yeah, there must have been 30 or 40 crows in one place on the side of the road" +"2020 came out looking like a warm chocolate chip cookie","then BAM oatmeal raisin" +"My girlfriend hates me So we walked inside of a Tim Hortons. GF: What do you want to order. Me: No idea, what sounds good. GF: I want a raisin bagel. Do you like raisin bagels. Me: I don't know, I've never raised a bagel before","She wasn't amused" +"You really need to keep your eyes open on 4th of april","or you wont see a thing" +"What did the stamp say to the envelope","Stick with me and we'll go places" +"Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock knock joke","He won the 'no-bell' prize" +"The perfume was very cheap","It's price was (in cents)" +"My Boss: I'm sorry buddy, but I'm going to have to let you go. . early to lunch. Have fun","I was this close to a heart attack" +"Girlfriend: Hey look this ice cream place has sundaes for $4","Me: How much do Saturday's cost" +"What smells better than it tastes","A nose" +"In which state does nile river flow","Liquid" +"Google Search: How to stop a gambling addiction","[I’m feeling Lucky]" +"Note to self. Don't try eating a clock. I tried this morning","Too time consuming" +"Told my kids I can cut down a tree by looking at it","I saw it with my own eyes" +"A man was getting a prostate exam. Man: Can you put in two fingers. Doctor: Why","Man: I want to get a second opinion" +"I've been booed out of two subs with this one so far (thank you /r/jokes and /r/gaming). If you guys don't enjoy this, it's likely no one will. Woah. Ryu. Man, I can't believe it's really you. Hey, um, I hate to be a bother, but. can I get an autograph","SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURE YOU CAN" +"*enjoying multiple vegetables at once*","Hey slow down, they don't grow on trees yknow!" +"A chicken went to a library. It walked up to the librarian and said bok bok bok. The librarian gave them a book, and the chicken left. The chicken came back the next day, and once again said bok bok bok. The librarian once again gave them a book, and the chicken left. On the third day, the chicken came back and once again said bok bok bok. The librarian gave them a book and, curious about what it was doing with them, decided to follow it. He followed the chicken to a pond, where it gave the book to a frog","The frog took one look at it before throwing it away, and saying Reddit" +"Accidental dad-joke on my first day of being married My wife and I ate at red lobster last night after our marriage ceremony (we're having a reception in a few weeks when all of our family and friends are actually available). Well, my wife accidentally choked on whatever she was eating. After she got done coughing. > Me: Are you alright. > Her: Yes. Fine. It just scared me. I'll be back. I'm going to run to the restroom. > Me: Okey-Dokey-Arti-Chokey. > Her: *groans and rolls eyes* I was confused until she got a few steps away and then I said under my breath > Me: heh","Arti-*chokey* I laughed silently to myself and reminded her of what I said when she got back to the table" +"My Neuropsych professor was not amused. My professor, long-term exposure to heavy metals causes holes in the brain. Me, I'm sure the head banging doesn't help either","" +"My girlfriend dumped me when I stopped taking her to Seafood restaurants","Turns out she was only with me for my mussels" +"Why did the man have a moment of clarity after he bought a coin maker","Because it all made cents now" +"[Funny, but true] Paternity Leave (x-posting from r/BabyBumps) I came home yesterday (Friday) and excitedly told my wife that my boss decided to offer paternity leave to all new dads at the law firm. She reminded me that I'm self employed and the only employee of the firm, and that if I wanted to pay the rent next month, my ass better be back at work on Monday","So I guess I'll be at work on Monday" +"Indiana. Jones’. Dog. Just. Featured. In. A. Film. It. Was. Called ‘Raiders. Of. The. Lost","Bark’" +"I've been on r/dadjokes too much My dad goes to me do you know why a nose can't grow longer than 12 inches I reply, then it would be a foot","He then stormed out of the room annoyed that I had reuined his joke" +"Which dinosaur was the best at playing basketball","The LeBrontosaurus" +"What's the difference between a snow man and a snow woman","Snowballs" +"What do you call friends you eat with","Taste buds" +"My ex played a dad joke on me. She sent me a pic of a pregnancy test subtitled. Guess what","I did not laugh" +"Dad. Poem. I dig,. You dig,. She. Digs,. He digs,. We dig,. They. Dig,. Now this poem isn't pretty,","But it sure is deep." +"2. Satellites got married","The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!" +"There was a collision on the freeway involving a church bus","Nun survived" +"My son told me to make him a sandwich","I said Poof, you're a sandwich" +"What do you call a steak cooked well-done","A mis-steak" +"How Cajuns are born Not so deep in the swampland of Louisiana, a Cajun's wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed Fontenot, the father-to-be, a lantern and said, Here. You hold dis high so I can see what I'm doing cher. Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. Whoa there, said the doctor, Don't be in such a rush to put dat lantern down. I think dere's another one coming. Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. Hold dat lantern up, don't set it down, dere's another one. said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. Don't put down dat lantern, it seems dere's yet another one a coming. cried the doctor","Fontenot scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, Doc, you tink it might be da light dat's attractin' dem" +"what do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish","swimming trunks" +"What does a panda say when someone else gets more karma than him","I've been bamboozled" +"The last letter from. George. Washington to. Alexander. Hamilton","N" +"Why are the first 25 letters antisemetic","Because they are not Z's" +"What do you call a bee that’s from America","USB" +"A guy walked up to me and told me to do a Michael Jackson impression","I told him just beat it" +"You could say that cars who have a lot of miles are","exhausted" +"What’s the difference between the swine flu and the bird flu","One requires oinkment, and the other requires tweetment" +"I asked a black belt if he could give me some karate advice. Then","I realised belts can't talk" +"Why does Han Solo like gum so much","Because it's chewy" +"A trio of jokes I'm hitting my students with today. Yesterday I was told my jokes were so bad that I shouldn't ever tell a joke again. =D Q: What is the average math teacher. A: mean Q: What dessert do math teachers eat the most. A: pie a la mode Q: Where does the average cop hide when catching people for speeding","A: The highway median" +"This ship looks like it's floating. Out to dinner with my family and my brother is browsing reddit on his phone. He sees [this image](http://imgur. com/R9GA2jL) and says Whoa. It looks like this ship is floating","Without missing a beat dad chimes in Well I'd sure hope it's floating" +"How do you count cows. How do you count cows","With a cowculator" +"I love that the. Earth spins","It really makes my day." +"What did the Zen Buddhist say to the Subway worker","Make me one with everything" +"Dad just hit me with this one. Its pretty corny but what do you exprect. Lol I'm sitting in my room and he calls out to me from the kitchen, Hey what are you doing. I reply Im on the computer. Why","And he says, Well aren't you afraid you're going to break it" +"I have a really bad wifi connection on my farm","I moved the router to the barn Now I have stable wifi" +"What do you call a bee that comes from America","A USB" +"Overheard in the airport. The 8-year-old daughter responded with a sarcastic ha, ha","I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous" +"My girlfriend was struggling to close the blinds because the sun was shining right in her face and said “I can’t see","” “Well that’s why they’re called blinds”" +"What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast","Synonym Toast Crunch" +"I asked my wife if she wanted to have a baby and she said, Are you kidding me","I said, yeah, that's the plan" +"I only believe in 12. 5% of the bible","Guess that makes me an eighth theist" +"While I was walking the dog, our 4 yo was harassing my wife for a treat. She texted “She’s trying to get a popsicle out of me. ” I responded “But you’re not a freezer","” I could feel the eye roll down the street" +"What is the difference between an epileptic clam shucker and a hooker with diarrhea","One shucks between fits" +"What was Whitney Houston’s favorite kind of coordination","Haaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnd Eeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeee (will always love you)" +"I was driving with my dad when we had to pass a salt truck. As the trucks spitting salt all over my dad's car he yells Help","I'm being assaulted" +"Knock Knock. Who's there. There's an owl at the end of this joke","There's an owl at the end of this joke who" +"Why can’t dinosaurs clap","Cause they’re dead" +"What's brass and sounds like Tom Jones. Trombones","I'll show myself out" +"When making sure no one is in the bathroom","I knock on the door, as is custom, and say Speak now or forever hold your pee." +"Having children is a lot like making pancakes. The first one is always a bit weird","but you can always just eat it when no one is looking" +"A slice of pie is $2. 50 in Jamaica and $3. 00 in the Bahamas","These are the pie rates of the Caribbean" +"Got the perfect title for the 10th fast and furious movie","Fast 10: your seatbelts" +"Why do melons have weddings","Because they cantaloupe" +"English Teacher whips out sick Dad Joke We were talking about senior superlatives and one category was most changed since 9th grade. My friend: I should get that, I've grown 2 feet since 9th grade Teacher: What did you have before","2 stumps" +"Did you know that you can’t use “Beef Stew” as a password","It’s just not stroganoff" +"Yesterday I ate a clock","It was very time consuming Specially when I went back for seconds" +"My neighbor rang my door bell at 3am. Can you believe it","Luckily I was still up playing the drums" +"Did you hear that the Energizer bunny went to jail","He was charged with battery" +"Why do blind people like to skydive","They can't see any downfalls" +"The Book My Dad was the worst. And by that, I mean the best. He had a Dad Joke for everything. I accidently left my wallet in my pants and they went through the wash. Don't you know it's illegal to launder money. He would crack. We would drive by the cemetery and he would always remark. That place is so popular, people are dying to get in Many groans were had. I would ask him, Dad, where do you get all these awful jokes. and he looked square in the eye and said. Son, on the day you were born - your Grandfather - my father gave me a book. '1001 Dad Jokes' and that where I get them from And life continued. Any opportunity to crack wise he would take it. Even when I moved out and got my own place it didn't stop. I had my Dad over to help me repaint the walls from cream to white. Boy He whistled. This wall sure pales in comparison to that one My eyes rolled and he just shrugged. It's the book. He couldn't even help himself at my wedding and broke out a Dad Joke during the toast. If this is the toast, where are the eggs. Sorry son, it's the book. He said with a devilish grin. So months pass and my wife is in labor at the hospital with our first child. I'm sitting in the waiting room with my dad for support. Suddenly, a nurse comes out beaming with glee. Congratulations, sir. It's a girl. Me and my dad jump up and whoop for joy, hugging. I can't wait to go in and see my wife and child. Wait son My dad says and pulls a little book out of his jacket pocket. This is for you I look at the little book and sure enough, it's 1001 Dad Jokes I tear up instantly. I. I stammer. I'm touched. My dad gets the world's biggest shit-eating grin on his face. Hi touched. He pauses for effect","I'm Dad" +"A momma mole, pappa mole and baby mole were sitting in their mole hole. The dad suddenly sits up, sniffs the air and runs to the narrow opening. Somebody is baking. I smell nutmeg. The mother runs over and wedges herself in the remaining opening. Ooh. I smell vanilla and cinnamon. The baby poked and prodded but couldn't get past his mom and dad to smell the outside air. Oh man","All I smell is mole asses" +"What type of animal likes soup the most","Morsoupials" +"What did the fisherman say to the magician","Pick a cod, any cod" +"Where do vocalists go when they're out of money","Singapore ;)" +"I'm new to this subreddit but I'm almost positive this fits here (x-post/r/funny) http://m. imgur","com/YgKqDX6" +"The author of my biology book must be a dad http://imgur","com/ZNeesEp" +"What do you call a deer with no eyes","I have no i-deer" +"What's a nacho's favorite dance","The salsa" +"Me: I was named after Thomas Jefferson. Kiddo:** But. your name is Tim. **Me:** Right","I was named *AFTER* Thomas Jefferson" +"I got in a fight with a Persian guy once","I did what I had to do then, Iran" +"My brother said. I’m unemotional. I told him","I don’t know how to feel about that..." +"A dwarf walked into a bar. The bar for this joke is set pretty low","(Posted this on r/jokes but just strikes me as belonging here too" +"I finally understood the last minutes of the. Sixth sense","It was a list of the people that made the movie!" +"There's a new film about oxygen that's coming out soon, but there's no date","I wonder when it will air" +"What do you call a blind deer","No-eye-deer" +"How do you get faster wait times in the. ER","It's all a matter of how you present yourself" +"What do you call a small man escaping from prison on a ladder","A little condescending" +"My. Mother once called me a son of a. B**ch. So. I hit her because no one talks trash about my mother, and then. I hit myself because no one hits my mother, she then hit me because no one hits her son and then she hit herself because no one hits me, so","I hit her because no one hits my mother" +"I went to the dentist at the. Indian reservation came home with some","Sioux veneers" +"I tried to catch fog yesterday","I mist" +"Man dad-joked newspaper [Source](http://www. mirror. uk/news/uk-news/man-six-half-inch-penis-6354500) - [Pic](http://i1. mirror. uk/incoming/article6256842. ece/ALTERNATES/s615b/PAY-tattoo. jpg) Abridged version: A man who dubbed himself Britain's biggest idiot after losing his wife after tattooing a comedy penis on his own leg is hoping to win back her heart by having it lasered off. Hapless Stuart, 34, of Southsea, Hants, inked the six-and-a-half inch member on his left thigh, so the end pokes out of his boxer shorts. ** After I did it, my wife woke up in the morning screaming, because there was this massive penis poking out of the duvet. And the tattoo on my leg. ** It caused no end of rows, and she's now kicked me out of home","I deserve it, I suppose" +"I haven't been to the gym in so long. I've gone back to calling it","James" +"If you want a good dad joke","go no father" +"Was at a graduation yesterday and saw a dad pull this one We were standing around the area where the graduates were sitting to try to see our friends, and there was a security guy right next to us keeping the walkway open, and every time somebody would try to walk through it he would say This is a frozen zone to tell people that they couldn't walk through there (I still don't know why he chose this terminology). A dad walks by and the guy says Sorry sir this is a frozen zone and the guy just stands still for a good 15 seconds while everybody around got really confused, and then says I'm frozen","He really committed to it, it was impressive" +"Why do Baobab trees prefer Teslas","Because they are mad at gas cars" +"How do you make holy water","You boil the hell out of it" +"People get really upset when I run up to them in the street, and try to make plaster casts of their faces","At least that’s the impression I get" +"Wife:. I'm having second thoughts about booking a week long stay at the teepee camp. Me:","No, you're just having a reservation reservation reservation" +"Don't argue with a 90-degree triangle","It's always right" +"Showing my daughter my new Apple watch. [she was excited](http://imgur","com/iA6VzUL)" +"I heard that 3","14% of internet users are π-rates" +"My son asked why the pony sounded so weird","I told him it was a little hoarse" +"What is the most pointless thing in the universe. Energy","It doesn't matter" +"I'm so old","I knew most of these 'dad jokes' when they were just 'jokes'" +"Even the President has a few dad jokes now and then. https://vine","co/v/izV3XabJxUu" +"What's a pirates favorite form of treasure. A tirYARRa","👑" +"I told my sister she needed to download the reddit app","Said she would never regreddit" +"Listening to a story on NPR about the Crimea Bridge. I didn't catch the name of the body of water the bridge goes over","Is it the Crimea River" +"I'm really glad I know sign language","It's pretty *handy*" +"When my younger brother asks what they call years where there's no El Nino. It's El Normal.","Nice" +"After watching the moon go around the Earth for 24 hours straight, the astronauts got so tired of it that","they decided to call it a day" +"Where do poor. Italians live. In the","Spagetto" +"I proclaimed to my wife that the world does not revolve around our little girl. Perturbed, she shot back, Why on Earth would you ever say that. I explained, Well, it's really quite simple you see, she's our daughter.","not our Sun" +"I wanted to buy some hindsight","But I didn't have $20" +"How does an eskimo build his house","He igloos it together" +"My 6 year old daughter got me again What did the baker say when he found his dough","That's just what I kneaded" +"What did 30 do when it got hungry","38" +"A rival contestant cheated with a different species of bird at the beak measuring contest","I thought to myself that toucan play at that game" +"I was shopping for a mirror","And the clerk ask me what kind of mirror I wanted, I said a reflective one" +"What happens if the past, the present and the future meet in a bar","It gets pretty tense" +"What do you call a teacher who doesn't fart in public. A private tutor","Ha" +"The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many'","and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'" +"What's a computer's first word","Data" +"My dad parked next to a campsite on a lake that had tons of ducks. He asked me what. I thought of it,","I told him it looks fowl" +"What Rock Group has four men that don't sing","Mount Rushmore" +"Dad jokes in Spanish We went out to eat at a Chinese restaurant and when we got our fortune cookies my mom asked for the translation of selfish . My dad responded with El mismo pescado","(Note: selfish --> self-fish --> mismo pescado)" +"Why don't mathematicians drink","They can't drink and derive" +"There's a new machine that lets dads experience the pain of child birth. There's this new machine that lets fathers experience the pain of child birth. A couple tried it out. On the 25% setting the husband didn't feel anything even though the mother's pain eased. Surprised, they turn it up to 50%. The wife felt less pain and amazingly the husband felt nothing. The machine was turned up to 100% and the mother gave a pain-free birth to two beautiful twins","They returned home the next day to find the mailman dead in the front yard" +"I used to have a bondage fetish. But injured myself, now","I have a bandage fetish" +"I feel sore because I slept funny","I think I must've slept on a clown" +"My niece laid an original Dad Joke on me today: Why did the car go to his friend's house","For a Beep-Over" +"I’ve got something serious to say","No joke" +"A Presidential dad joke I have a box of loose coins on my dresser. A friend noticed it and asked me: Her: Why do you have a box of coins on your dresser. Me: That. Oh, I got it when Obama was elected. H: *confused look* You got a bunch of quarters when he got elected. M: Yeah. It's change","She then chased me around the room with a chair" +"When is a tractor not a tractor","When it turns into a field" +"What nationality is Santa Claus","North Pole-ish" +"I finally got an Apple Watch for my birthday. Dunno what the hype’s about","Didn’t taste anything like an apple" +"I once dated a phlebotomist whom, when she tried to draw my blood, said Be positive","It was then I realized, she wasn't my type" +"What happens when you put Nutella on salmon","You get salmonella" +"My girlfriend cheated on me with Stevie Wonder","I got blindsided" +"Why did the ancient Egyptians die out","Because they only had Mummies" +"I just wanted to say that","That" +"A guy walked into a bar","And was disqualified from the limbo contest." +"What did the duck say to the bartender","Put it on my bill" +"Reporter: Excuse me, may I interview you. Man: Yes. Reporter: Name. Man: Belly Jons. Reporter: Sex. Man: Three to five times a week. Reporter: No no. I mean male or female. Man: Yes, male, female. sometimes camel. Reporter: Holy cow. Man: Yes, cow, sheep. animals in general. Reporter: But isn't that hostile. Man: Yes, horse style, dog style, any style. Reporter: Oh dear. Man: No, no deer. Deer run too fast","Hard to catch" +"If you ask a member of the NRA what they think about machine guns, be prepared","They'll give you an automatic response" +"Hakuna Matata. P: Yeah, it's our motto S: What's a motto. T: Nothing, what's the motto with you","~ Timone and Pumba, dad joking since 1994" +"What time is it","2:30 You should probably go to the dentist then" +"Elon Musk is a famous and likable person because","His company Tesla makes E-motional cars" +"My son asked me to take him to the hospital because he had a big red mark on his face","I said, “Let’s not make any rash decisions" +"Which month has 28 days","All of them" +"My cousin came out recently to his parents, and they want him to see a psychiatrist. He said No","He was already seeing a lawyer for a while" +"My son got in trouble today because he told me his bed was a mess","Then i found out he'd made the whole thing up" +"I used to wear wrinkled clothes to work quite often","I used to wear wrinkled clothes to work quite often, but since buying a new iron that's decreased." +"Some people say im some handsome guy","But without hands, im just some guy" +"What do you call oxymoronic bugs","Hipacritters" +"My girlfriend came with me to plead a parking ticket","We had a court date." +"My physics teacher laid this one on the class. So we were talking about Thermodynamics, and he stops the lesson to say this beauty. What's a person called when they steal a thermometer. What. A joule thief","*Entire class groans" +"I heard that they have dogs now that can smell if you've got cancer","My dog reeks, should I be worried" +"I asked my wife what she thought of my peeing skills, on a scale of 1-10","She said “urinate”" +"Why can't you email a document to a Jedi","Because attachments are forbidden" +"Milk is good","But it can be butter" +"What kind of eggs do Canadians like to eat at the end of the week","Fried, eh" +"My wife: Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled","Me: No, I think most of them smell that way" +"I farted in the Apple Store and everyone got all mad","It's not my fault they didn't have windows" +"Why do pigs make good cheerleaders","They'll always root for you" +"So I did a titration the other day","I had neutral feelings" +"What did the janitor say as he jumped out of the custodial closet","SUPPLIES" +"Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle","Moatzarella" +"You can always tell an ants gender by putting it in some water","If it sinks girl ant, if it floats buoyant" +"I'm scared the cops are gonna discover. I've been using my cattle farm to illegally grow marijuana","The steaks have never been higher" +"Knock knock Who's there. Owls. Owls who","Yes they do" +"My father in law He was trying to get the last few drops of drink out of the water bottle. I told him he should ring it out","Apparently he would if he knew its number" +"I once dated a girl until I found out she was a Communist","When I saw it, it was a big red flag" +"What is the capital of. Greece?","G" +"Wanna hear a joke about ghosts","That's the spirit" +"Dad joke last Christmas So last Christmas my dad got a set of fancy vinaigrettes, and my military engineer of a grandfather said what's wrong with some basic acids","To which my dad quickly responded: Well, then they'd just be water" +"Client says to me that he can't find his ice cube CD","I asked if anything was damaged when it melted" +"I won a duel last week with a block of cheddar cheese. How you might ask","Because it was extra sharp" +"The. Orthopedics. Made a. Choir. Called it A","Patella" +"I need six D-batteries","*Sixty batteries" +"How many ears did Sir Francis Drake have. Loads","A left ear, a right ear and a ship full of privateers" +"Did I ever tell you about the time I went to see a real guillotine","But wait, I’m getting a head of myself" +"A doctor fell into a well and broke his collarbone","We think that he should tend the sick and leave the well alone" +"I went in for a. Covid test and my doctor asked if. I had a sudden loss of taste No,. I always dress like this ,","I replied." +"I took out a loan with a bank who cut off your limbs if you didn’t meet the payments","Cost me an arm and a leg to keep up with their interest rates" +"I asked if the pool was safe for diving","They said, “It deep ends" +"My buddy got me on the way to the bachelor party As we pass a building lit up in neon lights Him sort of kidding: Hey, you think that's a strip club. Me: I don't know about that man Him: Oh. No, that's an auto body shop","Well, they are strippers" +"Patient: Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes. Nurse: Have you seen a doctor","Patient: No, just spots" +"Got my wife today","Our wedding was lovely" +"We were driving our mini-van behind a truck carrying porta-potties and my wife said It would suck if those fell off in front of us and I said The shit would really hit the van then","*snort*" +"Do you want your milk in a bag. No thanks. You can just leave it in the carton","I just said that at the grocery store and now my wife hates me" +"Shopping centers are so boring","Once you've seen one, you've seen a mall" +"Why did the photographer like his hand model","She had pose-able thumbs" +"Dad cracked this one at the dinner table. http://i. imgur. com/HNXIbbp","jpg" +"Which philosopher liked to fly. Soarin' Kierkegaard. Sorry, that wasn't the Sarte of pun I had in mind","I Kant even think of a better one" +"Excuse me, doctor - my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he please","ICU baby, shaking that ass" +"What rhymes with orange","No it doesn't" +"My son pulled up a chair next to me while I was playing poker today and said I wanna watch","I replied Go get a job and buy one yourself then" +"What is the most common liver condition among Canadians","Hepatitis eh" +"What do you call a hog fairy","A pigment of your imagination" +"What is the most patriotic part of a dad's body","The prostate" +"As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be","Later on in life, I found out that this is called Identity Theft" +"He's reaching new heights Me: I sometimes look up at my school's ceiling and wonder how it gets dirty Dad: I guess it's not their top priority. heh get it","Top" +"How do Yetis tell the time","With a sasq-watch" +"What do priests recommend be put on small cuts","Anointment" +"What’s the best thing about Switzerland","Don’t know, but the flag is a big plus" +"What are you if you take care of a chicken","A chicken tender" +"What's brown and sounds like a bell","DUUUNNGGGGGGGG" +"My family and I were camping in a thunderstorm last night","It was intense" +"What do you call a magic owl","Hooooodini" +"What’s Gods favorite chord","Gsus of course" +"I just changed a light bulb","Now I see things in a new light" +"I bought a boat half price","It was on sail" +"I was venting to my dad about how frustrating it is to still be stuck in undergrad. He told me not to worry, I'm still in my prime","I'm 23" +"My doctor told me I had kidney stones, but that I shouldn't worry, because","This, too, shall pass" +"What kind of exercises do lazy people do","Diddly Squats" +"Hey Dad, What's this The Biggest Loser Video game all about","All I know about it so far is that you're the main character" +"The punchline comes before the question","What's the worst part about time traveling jokes" +"Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off","It reads “Small medium at large" +"Tried catching fog the other day","Mist" +"I just got kicked out of. Karaoke night for singing Danger. Zone six times in a row…. They said. I exceeded my maximum number of","Loggins attempts." +"What do you call a Swedish vehicles history report","A Saab story" +"Why does Lex Luthor carry around a gun & a spoon wherever he goes","In case he ever meets soup or man" +"How have we not improved on margarine more","I can't believe it's not better" +"People never listen to my triangle jokes","They always do a complete 180." +"Easily my dad's favorite joke. What is the last thing each Tickle Me Elmo doll gets before leaving the factory","Two Test Tickles" +"So I'm at school with my crush. Culinary school, that is. Our chef tells her she needs to shred some cheese for the sandwiches we were making. So as she's walking over to get the tool she needs, I tell her, You'd better do a grate job","I think those rolling eyes mean she's finally starting to like me back" +"What is a cow's favorite workout apparel","Udder Armour" +"The other day a man called me “a plateau”","I took it a a compliment because a plateau is the highest form of flattery" +"My dad just text me this I thought you guys would enjoy it A lion goes into the barbers to get a hair cut. The barber finishes up and says Its that alright Mr. Lion or would you like me to take anymore off","The lion replies No that's great thanks, I can see clearly now the mane has gone" +"Red Lobster with my dad. So after 10 minutes of us receiving or food, the waitress asks Did everything come out okay. And my dad replies with this: You're asking that so early","We've barely even eaten and we're supposed to know how it came out" +"Al Pacino had a grandson recently, but is still steaming at what his parents named him","Cap Pacino" +"I bought a thesaurus at the store, but when I got home all the pages were blank","I had no words to describe how angry I was" +"3 unwritten rules of life. 2","3" +"Asked my dad if he was gunna put anything on his new car","He said I don't wanna spoiler" +"Dad joke at dinner My husband [Drew] and I were out for dinner on Valentine's day. I like to draw, so I got some crayons from the hostess and drew on the back of my place mat. Me: You should draw with me. Him: I don't draw. Me: No, you drew","He threw bread at me from across the table" +"What item in your bathroom has a liquor license","The Bar of Soap" +"What did the zero say to the eight","Nice belt" +"What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter","**An irrelephant**" +"All the even streets in my town are one way","But the odd ones are just strange." +"I was the top student in my class until my teacher gave me very low marks","She degraded me" +"When people write “Edit: a word”, do they really mean they corrected only one word","Edit: a word" +"Why do humans cry so much","Because they are homo sappyens" +"Dad joked by a stranger on the phone. I work for a large home improvement store in the plumbing department. Every now and then we get phone calls in asking general plumbing questions. This is how my conversation went the other day. Hi, thanks for calling [store name]. This is plumbing To which I got Hi, plumbing","This is Ron ugh" +"New. Statistic. Released. My step-father pulled this one on me last night:. Recent studies have shown that 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not","Happy." +"Friend's. Dad comes through","I was in the car getting a ride from my friend and my friend is talking about how he went to a flea market when his dad interrupts and says: oh, did you run out of fleas?" +"My son asked me what it was like being married","So I asked him to leave me alone and when he did I demanded to know why he was ignoring me" +"Not sure if bad or genius (Hint: it's baad) Me and my friend go to the beach, rinse off, and go into the bathroom to get back into our normal clothes. Friend comes out of the bathroom","Me: Man, you've changed" +"What's the opposite of a croissant","A happy uncle" +"What do you call it when the Bigfoot in charge makes pasta for all the others","Alpha Yeti Spaghetti" +"Whats orange and sounds like a parrot","a carrot" +"My wife hates my obsessive rare penny collection","She says that I completely lack common cents" +"i'll just leave this here. http://imgur","com/gallery/uNacI" +"A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait. I’m a talking tree","The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue" +"My wife yelled up the stairs at me Can you bring me . nevermind","so I sent my niece downstairs with the Nirvana album" +"Dadjoked by my four-year-old daughter Daughter: *pushes away her plate* Daddy, I'm done with my supper. Me: No, you're not. You haven't even touched your pork","Daughter: *reaches out with one finger and taps on her pork chop, then looks up at me and smiles*" +"Cut my pinky pretty badly. Dad did what he does best [The Dad Joke](https://i. imgur. com/1LheQkM. jpg) NSFW: [The Cut](https://imgur","com/a/J9ZraJS)" +"I recently took an airline to court after my luggage didn’t turn up","I lost my case" +"An interviewer asked me, Where do you see yourself in 5 years","I replied, Sorry, I don't have 2020 vision" +"Made everybody eyeroll. I found at my manager had bought a hotdog costume that all of my coworkers and. I could wear standing outside the bakery. I work in to promote the sale of hotdogs, my friend laughed at this and said 'I'm going to chase you around when you wear that' and","I said 'you're going to have to ketchup to me first' and everybody rolled their eyes." +"So I got my wife yesterday at Best Buy She's got an iPhone 6S and wanted a case, so I let her know she could also try and iPhone 7 case, but it covers the headphone jack. Wife: I really like this one Me: Now are you really okay with it covering the headphone jack. Wife: oh this one doesn't, it's open at the bottom Me: Huh. So it's on a *case by case* basis","Let's just say I got my daily recommended value of eye roll" +"The other day my dad was driving down a highway in Canada and there was a cow in the middle of the highway blocking traffic. Transport trucks were slamming on their breaks and cars were backed up","My dad pulled over and called 911, in which he explained the situation and said I think you should come and have them remooooooved" +"What’s the difference between a old bus station and a lobster with a bra on","Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean 🦞" +"The greatest thing about telepathy is","I know, right" +"A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store. He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico. The clerk replies, F*ck you, get out, stay out","The man replies, Yeah, that's the one" +"Have you heard of the superhero Priest-Man","He's my altar ego" +"I dared to ask my wife why she’s buying a giant tub of Whiteout","Big mistake" +"What is a cat's favourite condiment","Mayow" +"Making pancakes in our new kitchen Don't use the max setting on the stove ventilator. Why not. The pancakes get stuck in the filter","You can tell he's proud" +"Never challenge. Death to a pillow fight","Unless you’re able to handle the reaper cushions." +"Did you hear about the first Australian to ever develop a six pack","He was an Ab-original" +"My son posted a video of that fellow Zayn Malik's new song","it's a good song; even though he decided to go in a different direction" +"my mom has the worst jokes If an onion makes you cry what makes you laugh. An artijoke (artichoke) Did you hear about the guy who had an accident in the upholstery machine","He's okay now after his recovery" +"The first and last of all dad jokes (x-post from /r/tumblr) http://i. imgur. com/oN8fib0","jpg" +"Why did the world's first dating agency for chicken failed","They couldn't make hens meet" +"Whenever you need to do some research on fatherhood. Always use the","DADabase." +"Guess what. What","You guessed it" +"What did the cantaloupe name his daughter","Melony" +"Replaced the garbage disposal because the old one started leaking. Got home from Lowe's. Jumped in and installed it. Told my wife no leaks and it's quieter. She said how much was it. There goes 200 bucks 'down the drain'. She rolled her eyes, walked away","Now I have to do the dishes" +"What did they say about the dolphin that tripped it's friend","He did it on porpoise" +"I'm a coin collector going to a coin show this weekend","I really hope they don't nickel and dime me." +"I just lost 20% of my couch","Ouch" +"My friend Charles lived away for a long time. So when he came back, I started calling him Harles","Long time no C" +"What did one ocean say to the other. Nothing, they just waved. Sea what I did there. I’m shoes you did. I know I’m a little beach but water you going to do about it. See how these are all tide in","That’s it, I need to stop these are all washed up" +"What do you call a person you dated that's a neat freak","Kleenex" +"A blind man walks into a bar","And a table and a chair" +"When I see a kid with two dads, I don't worry about his or her upbringing","I mean America had forefathers, and it turned out OK" +"What do men and snow storms have in common. You never know when they're going to come or how many inches your going to get","Thank you thank you, I'll be here all week at the Ramada Inn North, and please don't forget to tip your server" +"Went rock climbing this weekend. I asked the kids: Which one is braver, the big rock or the mountain. The big rock: It's a little boulder. The kids walked away","Sigh" +"I was addicted to soap","But I'm clean now" +"Was driving to work today, and. I thought of a great joke about plateaus. I would write it here, but there's no point cause","I know that it would fall flat" +"I hate reading manuals for staircases","There are always too many steps" +"How do lightbulbs greet each other","They say Watts up" +"Waking up this morning. I woke up and my wife was getting ready in the bathroom. She came back to bed and snuggled into me and all I could smell was hair spray. I said, That hair spray is a little intense. She retorted, You're intense. I replied, Actually I'm in a bed","*commence eye rolling *" +"I took an adderall in my Ford Fiesta","now it's a Ford Focus" +"This ones from my dad's dad, but nonetheless quite good Sitting down for story time one afternoon, my grandfather began telling us the story of his trip to the Arctic, It was a treacherous journey, but we finally made it to our destination, the North Pole. It was a huge sigh of relief for my exploration team and me because we knew that from that point on, it was all downhill from there, . Classic","We miss you dearly" +"How do you predict climate change","With Al-gore-rhythms" +"Do you know why the U. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines","Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters" +"What do you get when you mix Ozzy Osbourne with a muppet","Fozzy Osbourne" +"People say it's easy to live like an Eskimo","but I am having a hard time getting Inuit" +"I didn't do too well playing Jeopardy","I guess Jesus isn't the answer to everything" +"Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me","that we're married and live together, so I'd have to see them every day" +"Major credit to the person who invented the bomb","Their idea really blew up" +"Banished to the couch for having soul As stated my wife banished me to the couch for this. She had a late start at work today, so she did some work around the house, including hanging the wreath. After picking her up from work that evening we got home and she asked me if I liked the wreath. I responded with the Franklin. It looks good . She wasn't happy about that, and kept insisting I call it a wreath. Our friends all came over for D&D and I continued to interject whenever she showed someone that it was called A Franklin . Eventually she got really mad and demanded to know why I wouldn't call it a wreath. So I hugged her and said I'm sorry sweetie, I didn't know it was so important to you. I mean, A-Wreath, A-Franklin, what's the difference","So yeah, sleeping on the couch" +"Why did the melons get married in a church","Because they can't elope" +"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice","In practice, there is" +"Your argument is like a naked banana","It simply lacks a peel" +"Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present. Cop: You ARE the lawyer","Lawyer: So where's my present" +"In mining, what do you find next to the basalt","The bapepper" +"Why did your father store money inside of a door","Because he thought it was ajar" +"I don't c the point in alaphabet jokes but, a","I guess u got to give m a chance this joke is so bad that it deserves an f" +"Baldness","I am not losing my hair, I'm getting more head" +"Grocer: Would you like your milk in a bag","Dad: Nah, you can just leave it in the carton" +"There was a fog machine on sale, but I didn't have enough cash","It was a mist opportunity" +"We have a problem with a ghost in my house. I think it's drunk","It keeps asking for boos" +"My friend just started dating a boy named Jose My dad says, Oh yeah","What about 'hose B'" +"Why don’t blind people skydive","It scares the crap out of their dogs" +"Who is the Penguin's favorite Aunt","Aunt Arctica" +"Did you know I used to be a banker","I lost interest" +"Why do birds fly south for the winter","Too far to walk" +"My dad sends me these reminders periodically. http://imgur","com/a/sS59b" +"I have a fear of speed bumps. But","I’m slowly getting over it." +"What do you call a pissed off German","Sauerkraut" +"Vegetables are boring in general, but some are sort of cool","I guess you could called them rad-ish" +"I have a phobia of German sausages","I fear the wurst" +"My daughter made me proud with this dad-joke. The whole family is together at the dinner table and my brother had just gotten a new cat. Instead of letting the cat get into trouble he opted to put it in the cat carrier while we ate. Sneaky little thing got out of it's carrier and my daughter blurts out, *Well the cat's out of the bag. * ^I'm ^so ^proud","^^tear" +"How much does it cost to pierce a pirate's ear","A buccaneer" +"Why did the spinal cord not want to sing in front of an audience","It was nervous" +"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer","I don’t know what he laced Them with, but i was tripping all day" +"Why weren't there multiple seasons of crucifixions","People lost interest after the Pilate episode" +"I asked my dad if I could wear shorts at the golf course this weekend. He said absolutely","They won't let you go naked" +"What did the Hawaiian Prince say to the Calamari General","Aloha, Akbar" +"Why does a flamingo stand on one leg","Because if they lifted it up they'd fall over" +"A storm There was storm here in Ireland last week. It was called storm Abigail. my father says now I know why it was called Abigail why daddy. Because it was a big gale","This really happened" +"Got my girlfriend this morning Just a little info, she has a lofted bed. GF: I'm having such a hard time getting out of bed this morning. Me: Why's that. GF: Just because I have to jump down to get out of bed and I really don't want to today. Me: Why. That's a great way to jump-start your day","GF: Ughhh" +"I got one of those univesal remotes and thought","This changes everything" +"Are girls and boys the same","No, there's a vas deferens" +"A man goes into the butchers and says “can I have a cut of beef please. ” The butcher says “lean","” *man leans backwards* “can I have a cut of beef please" +"My pop's roommate at the hospital, recovering Just wheeled in from surgery, transferred to hospital bed. Dude's laying in his bed, moaning. Nurse is all, sir are you ok. Ohhhhhhhhhhh. Are you in pain, sir. Moannnnnnn. Sir, can you tell me what hurts","It's my wallet…" +"I have done a total of 3,167 Algebra II problems in my life","I know because I keep a log" +"I tried explaining to my girlfriend what the effects of network packet loss were. But I just couldn't get the message across","Edit: I wish I knew more about networking so I could understand all these jokes" +"What does a didgeridoo","Whatever it didgeriwants" +"I was pretty proud of this one last night Slight backstory: One of the neighbors near my parents house is named Dell and he has been known to steal (quotes because I think the cats just really like him and choose to stay there) cats. I was sharing a story about one of our cats London Dad: Yeah we're pretty sure she is now a Dell cat","Me: Ahh yes that's why she always says hello from the other side (of the fence) Took a few seconds, but my sister and her wife let out a groan" +"A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns","Toucan play at that game" +"What do you get when you cross a porcupine and a dodgeball","A painful game" +"Why didn't the bread rise in the great state of Maine","Wrong dough Maine" +"Why does Snoop Dogg have an umbrella","Fo' drizzle" +"My wife told me to watch it, or else. I'm not a big fan of horror movies","But that's what she wants" +"Scientists have located the wood that they believe Christ was crucified on. Carbon dating puts it at 2000+ years old. However, other items located nearby were much newer","Scientists believe it’s just cross contamination" +"There once was a man. There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy. He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off. One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train. Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal. I'll have a banana, Just a single banana. said the perplexed guard. The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that. Just a single banana. he said. After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later. The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute. but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death. Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free. And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go. And for whatever reason, he got his job back. So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again. Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of. ) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said I'll have 2 bananas. Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown. And. NOTHING. He arose from the chair looking a bit jaded, but you'd be hard pressed seeing worse looking drunkards in your hometown. So of course as with the law of the land, he was set free a SECOND time and for SOME STRANGE REASON, his old rail company gave him his job back. Well you know what they say right. Third time's the charm. You kinda know where this one is heading. That's right, Mario Andretti on rails sped once more in a curve, derailed his train and someone got killed. aaaannnndd there was a trial. aaaannndd he was found guilty. aaannnddd he was sentenced to death by electric chair. THis time though, the judge and warden of the jailhouse were wise. They concocted a plan to make sure the motorman would surely fry. The warden says you can have anything under the sun for your last meal. so long as it ain't bananas. No banana pudding, banana bread, Bananas Foster, banana flambe, banana tart, banana creme pie, or banana custard. Ok sighed the somewhat defeated engineer. Just grill me up a porterhouse steak and some taters. I guess that's a good enough last meal. Yep, that's more like it. nodded the guard. Guess I better let the chaplain know this is really goin' down for real. Better get right with the Lord n' all. The meal was brought to his cell about an hour and a half later. What should have been a somber occasion became one of spectacle. The execution chamber gallery in the rickety prison was overflowing with people, cameras and reporters. And while their outward moods were businesslike, the Judge and Warden were giddy with eagerness. Finally at the appointed hour, appointed minute and appointed second ticked on the clock, the switch was thrown. Several times the normal power coursed through the wires into the chair and body of the train driver; apparently SOMEONE made a serious upgrade to the facilities for this occasion. After what seemed to be an eternity, the power was finally cut and the lights returned to their normal glow. WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUU. exclaimed just about everyone in attendance. I made sure you had NO DAMN BANANAS. shouted the Warden. Yeah, and I even had my brother who is in charge of the local farmers co-op put the kibosh on bananas for 30 miles in all directions of here for the last week. What the hell. Our sly engineer cracked a grin. Bananas. Well yeah. That's always been my favorite food. But that has nothing to do with why I'm still alive. I don't know why you two smart men can't understand it though.","after all, even a baby can tell I'm such a poor CONDUCTOR" +"Not a dad, but my new SO has a 4 yr old. I think I'm starting off on the right foot. (OC) *driving down road and almost hit a possum* GF: I thought you were gonna hit that. Me: Me too","It was definitely a possum-bility" +"Renaissance Festival on a hot day. So we were at the local Renaissance festival on labor day and temps were getting up to the 90s. I see a guy carrying ice to one of the shops. Slyly I lean over to the wife and say: Look honey, that guy has the coolest job","Consider this one of my finest dad moment" +"What state has the smallest soft drinks","MiniSoda" +"I never thought my chiropractor would improve my posture","but I stand corrected" +"My plate at a restaurant started talking to me","It said Dinner is on me" +"Went to the dentist Went to the dentist and I asked my fiance to come with me","When she asked why I told her that I need here there for oral support" +"I think. I'm going to buy a new bed tomorrow. But before. I decide,","I'm gonna sleep on it." +"What. I if told you","You read the title wrong." +"Why does TSA make you take off your jacket at airport security","To stop arms smuggling" +"What's a pirate's favorite letter","You might think it's R, but it's actually the C My girlfriend got me with this one" +"I can't stop cutting wood. I see,","I saw" +"I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. Well. he said. It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it. And he won. I asked. Well, no. he mumbled","The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder, the big jerk" +"Picking my sister up from the train station. Me : Where are you going. Brother: To pick Alex up Dad: When did she fall over","Everyone: :|" +"I'm not great at languages What's the least spoken language in the world","Sign language" +"Why was the cat scared of the tree","Because of its bark" +"Why are ghosts bad liars","Because you can see right through them" +"Why was Han Solo crying at the dinner table","Because the meat was Chewie" +"The consequences of dadjokes I was at lunch with some friends and we were discussing the trade-offs of various qualities of cars. One of the guys said, I don't know, what's a happy medium. I responded, A fortune teller on drugs","Though I couldn't stop giggling to myself, I was banned from speaking during the rest of lunch" +"What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other","Eileen" +"I dropped a piece of broccoli at work today","Guess that's why they call them floor-ettes" +"Why was the camera girl arrested","For flashing in public" +"A father and his son are on a roof, the father falls off but the kid stays on, why","He was a little moron" +"There's a Mama Taco, a Daddy Taco, and a Baby Taco. Who watches Baby Taco when Mama Taco and Daddy Taco go out on a date","Aunt Chilada" +"My college roommate claimed that the more stoned he was, the more logical he became","That was a wrong high pot thesis" +"Two potatoes on the street, which one is the prostitute","The one that says Idaho" +"The easiest way to tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant is","that one of them is an elephant" +"My friend got her arm stuck in a bag Friend: Dammit, it's stuck. Me: Oh, do you need a hand. *stupid grin* Friend: No I got-","*slowly looks up at me and glares with the most angry and betrayed look I've ever seen* I hate you" +"What are the top two reasons you shouldn’t drink water from a toilet. Number 1)","and number 2)" +"If my son refuses to take a nap","Is he resisting a rest" +"Got the wife at the supermarket. We were walking through produce and as we're passing by the fruit she sees some clementines and says Clementines are yummy, I just wanna eat em","To which I replied Clementine will remember this" +"How do you clean up something that's tasty","You use a vac-yum" +"I'm starting my own body shop and I have just the slogan","Highly Wreck Amended" +"Hi I'm Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon","Neil before me" +"How do hipsters die","Hipatitis" +"A panda walks into a restaurant. He seats himself at a table. The sight is so strange that the owner comes over personally and asks, Can I help you. The panda replies, Do you have anything with bamboo. The owner answers, We have a few Chinese dishes that have bamboo. The panda says, I'll just have the bamboo. So the owner heads to the kitchen and soon returns with a plate of bamboo. The panda eats every last morsel, then pulls out a pistol, fires it into the ceiling, and walks out. The owner is startled and completely confused, so he follows the panda all the way back to the zoo. When he finds the zoo keeper, he walks up and asks, Do you have any idea what your panda just did. He came into my restaurant, ate a bunch of bamboo, pulled out a pistol, fired it into the ceiling, and walked out. The zoo keeper replied, Well, of course, he's a panda; that's what they do. Then, when he saw the owner was still confused, added, Haven't you ever read about pandas. More confused than ever, the owner walks home","He gets out his old set of encyclopedias, dusts off the letter P, and turns to the entry on pandas: The panda is a large mammal, native to China; it eats bamboo shoots and leaves" +"My girlfriend pulled this one on me a while back. We were on a walk looking at the houses. Me: I love brick accents on houses. Her: What do the bricks sound like","It was silent for a few seconds then we both busted up laughing" +"I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's cat","She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not" +"I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey","But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about" +"A bug hit my windshield on the way to work this morning","I said “I bet you don’t have the guts to do that again”" +"I dunno why my parent's are so mad at me for not losing weight","I thought they wanted me to be well rounded" +"What do you call a bull that likes sleeping","A bulldozer" +"Oranges Dad: What do have if there are five oranges in one hand and seven oranges in the other. Me: Twelve oranges. Dad: No","Really big hands" +"My kids were playing on the Nintendo Wii After a little while, they started to argue because one was bored with the game. Hey, bud, maybe you should do something else for a while","I think you've had too much ennui" +"Dadjoked over a LinkedIn endorsements. We were talking about [this article](http://blog. hubspot. com/marketing/linkedin-skills-endorsements. utm_campaign=blog-rss-emails&utm_source=hs_email&utm_medium=email&utm_content=13786445http://blog. hubspot. com/marketing/linkedin-skills-endorsements. utm_campaign=blog-rss-emails&utm_source=hs_email&utm_medium=email&utm_content=13786445) that just came out about dumb things you can endorse people for on LinkedIn. One of the examples given was breathing . you can endorse your friends & coworkers for breathing. I told her that I’m going to endorse you for breathing. You’ve done pretty well at it for 21 years, with only a couple of hiccups","She was both horrified and proud" +"What kind of insect helps people with their taxes","An accountant" +"MI6","No i'm older" +"I'm not sure who. Pythagoras is. But","I hear he's alright." +"Why are Toblerones triangular in shape","So they fit in the boxes" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping in Denver","He woke up" +"Dad and brothers got me last night at dinner. I had dinner with my parents and brothers (who are also both dads) last night and let it slip to my older brother that I was going to meet a girl later that night. It went something like this: Dad: You didn't have to get all dressed up just to come see me. Older Brother (OB): No, IWasUpAllNight has a blind date tonight. Dad: Well you didn't need to get dressed up for a blind girl either. Harharhar. Younger Brother (YB): At least shes not deaf. OB: *extends handshake to YB* Hi, I'm IWasUpAllNight","YB: IIIEETOOO MEEEUOOO (his best deaf girl impression) Hilarity ensues and the rest of the night is spent with Helen Keller-esque jokes" +"A trip to the farm Farmer: *whistle* Come over cows. Cows don't move Farmer calls them over again","Dad: I think they herd" +"When I was six years old my family moved","But I eventually found them again" +"I told my dad I'd had a haircut","He said 'Oh really, which one" +"Is this pool safe for diving","It deep ends" +"I got fired from my job as a cameraman","I couldn't focus on my work" +"Wife: When I die, I want you to cremate me and put me in an urn and carry me around wherever you go","Me: I ain't taking your ash anywhere" +"What kind of bees make milk","Boobies" +"What do you call Trump's cat","A trumpet" +"Inspired by the Otherwise post, I just got these in the mail today Inspired by [this post]( https://www. reddit. com/r/dadjokes/comments/2rr06b/because_of_this_sub/) I ordered 100 of these and keep one in my pocket at all times now: **http://i. imgur. com/fDFtpL5. jpg** Also, if you're in the Washington DC area, I'd be happy to spread the love","Happy dadjoking" +"What do you call a skunk that can fly","A smellicopter" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When the punchline become apparent" +"Ugly Christmas Sweater","Lol nope, I sweat all year round" +"Why did the magician have a sticky bicep","He had a couple of Twix up his sleeve" +"Why do Castle doors have their locks so far above the ground","Because of the higher-key" +"Our wedding was so beautiful","Even the cake was in tiers." +"Sheep This came to me this morning. I'm sure somebody has come up with it before, but for me it's original content","If a sheep is having a dialogue in its own head, is that called internal bleating" +"How does a French skeleton say hello","Bone-jour" +"I was sitting on the sofa with my wife last night, when I said, Honey, you remind me of an onion. She smiled, blushed a little and asked, Why. Because I have so many layers to my personality. No. Oh, OK, something stupid like, you'll cry when you slice me up. Nope. OK. OK. You'd prefer it if I was battered. Nah. You either love me or hate me. I'm good in small doses. I can be a bit overpowering. No, no and no. Exasperated, she shrieked, Oh, all right then, why","You smell like an onion" +"Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet","Because they could spend years at C" +"Why should dog owners invest in tennis balls","They have a high rate of return" +"Purchased a new dyson stick vacuum with my girlfriend today. As we paid the clerk asked if we would like a large bag for it. I instantly responded with oh. I thought these new vacuums are bagless","Massive sigh from my girlfriend and not even a chuckle from the attendant" +"I used to be addicted to the. Hokie. Pokie. But","I turned myself around." +"To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket","You can hide, but you can't run" +"Everyone is talking about climate change these days","I guess it's a hot issue" +"My girls came down wearing solar system themed shirts I said, Did you just happen to each wear those shirts or did you planet. https://imgur","com/lSBknX4" +"What happens when you have a bladder infection","Urine trouble" +"What are the strongest days of the week. Saturday and Sunday","The rest are weak days" +"My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha­­. That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” I said","“It’s the only way I can see the numbers" +"I used to date a midget back in highschool","I was totally nuts over her" +"Why did cat-woman's partner insist on vacationing in Nepal","Because that's where the cat-man \*do\*" +"My new thesaurus is terrible","Not only that, but it’s also terrible" +"My daughter got an F on her report card","In Gender" +"Bread is like the Sun","It rises in the Yeast and sets in the Waist" +"A heavily armed man runs into an estate agent. Screaming","Nobody move" +"Hitting a deer with your car is always an unfair trade","You're out the cost of the insurance deductible, but nature is only out a buck" +"People that wear glasses are really excited for next year","They will finally see 20/20" +"My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions","But don't worry, I'll return" +"My dad said there was a pull out couch in our hotel room","He then pulled the couch into the middle of the room" +"My buddy Juan and I went to China, and he won a scratcher lotto","Juan won one yuan" +"Dad joked my girlfriend for my prom proposal Me: Who's your favorite artist. Her: Um I don't know, I guess I like impressionists","Me: Well my favorite artist is will you Vincent Van Gogh to prom with me She had the biggest and cutest smile I've ever seen :)" +"My dad used “titanium dioxides” in a sentence. So my sister is writing a research paper for her PhD and it involves titanium dioxides. This is an actual email my Dad sent the family email chain while we were discussing the paper (all names have been changed for privacy): “ Aunt Jane. Can you use the term titanium dioxides in a sentence so we can better understand its meaning. asked her curious niece at the Thanksgiving family meal. Sure said Dr Doe, Mr and Mrs Tanium ran a tannery for years. Their son Ty used to shoot water buffaloes for sport, but his parents convinced him that he should at least save the pelts. So now his parents and Ty Tanium dye ox hides. Beat that one","Dad”" +"Hey dad can I ask you a question","You just did" +"What’s blue and smells like red paint","Blue paint" +"Ever hear the joke about procrastinators","I'll tell you it later" +"Mountains are more than just funny","They are hill areas" +"How does the french skeleton say hello","Bone-jour" +"When I was a kid, my dad got all my friends with this one: Dad: How old are you. Friend: I'm 11 Dad: 11","What a coincidence, when I was your age, I was 11 too" +"Got Dad Joked by my 10 Year Old My two sons and I were picking up our dog from boarding. My 9 year old points to a sign that says Puppy Kindergarten and says that our dog should be in puppy pre-school since he is only three. I respond saying that in dog years, he is old enough to hang out with me at a bar. My 10 year old, without missing a beat, said, Make mine a double","I've had a ruff day" +"Wanna hear a joke about ears","Nah, it's too corny" +"Made some armor to protect myself against pesky birds","It's impeccable" +"Plateau","The highest form of flattery." +"People in Southern France live their lives on the edge","As if they had nothing Toulouse" +"I farted in the car the other day. Son: Can you crack the window. Me: *punches window*","guess not, sorry" +"Why do they call wood carving whittling","Because you start with a bigger piece of wood, and you make it whittler" +"My son told me he wanted to become a cyborg today","So I told him: But son, it'll cost an arm and a leg" +"Cop: I'm arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia database and selling it. Man: Wait","I can explain everything" +"My deaf wife just told me to get the hell out","That is not a good sign" +"My dog only understands commands in Spanish","He's Espanyol" +"Dad what's a debate The bait is what you put at the end of a fishing line","Classic" +"I am not sure why they call it a sunset","There is only one sun" +"When is a car NOT a car","when it turns into a driveway" +"My wife is a baker","I asked her to teach me how to make yeast-free bread, but she said there's no knead" +"I love my furniture","Me and my recliner go way back" +"The roundest knight at king Arthur's table was circumference","He ate to much pi" +"I was thinking about becoming a vegetarian but them I realized","that it'd be a big missed steak" +"After I ran over some nails my bicycle had to be retired","Glad I didn't have to buy a whole new one" +"Redditor posts a picture of him dissecting an animal. Finally,","OP de-livers!" +"My twin brother called me from prison","He said, “You know that thing where we finish each other’s sentences" +"I've been sending my herbs through the mail","I wanted to find out if thyme travel was possible" +"Why are farmers always angry","Because they're part of the agro-culture" +"My dad put Christmas lights on his double bass today. The lights were weaving in and out between the strings, all over the fretboard, etc, rendering it temporarily unplayable. So I asked, How are you going to play it now with the lights between the strings. He replied with, Carefully. Of course. But the lights will stop the strings from being used properly","Well, they'll just feel a little lighter then, won't they" +"If you come across a cow in post-apocalyptic times, you'd better not let it go","That would be a missed steak" +"I met my wife at the zoo, she used to work there","It took me 2 minutes of talking to her to realise she's a keeper." +"The Wood Glue I just bought doesn't stick","I guess I got the wouldn't glue instead" +"One of my. Kids complained. I didn't go to their. Christening","They shall remain nameless" +"Hey, ThinkGeek now has a waffle maker that makes waffles in the shape of the Death Star.","the only problem is that the waffles tend to come out a little on the dark side" +"Why can't Catholics travel at light speed","Because they have mass" +"My dad once asked me Son, do you know why statues don't smoke weed. And I said No dad, why","And then he said Because they are stoned all the time" +"I just spotted an albino Dalmatian","It’s the least I could do" +"Every dog. Me: The dog's drinking from the toilet again","Dad: It's because he's a potty mouth" +"My fiance is a woman. But apparently a dad. Fiance: You just got snew all over the place. Me: . Me: . What the hell is snew . Fiance: *grinning like an idiot* Nothing","What snew with you" +"Dad: Why didn't you make me a grilled cheese too. Dad: Why didn't you make me a grilled cheese too. Me: I dunno. I didn't think you wanted one","Dad: I guess I wasn't Gouda-nough" +"I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention disguised as a Doctor","The security guard suspected I was not the Real McCoy" +"What do you call a male hurricane","A himmicane" +"Have you heard the don't need the golden gate bridge any longer","Because it's already long enough" +"Jokes about. Communism are the. Best","Because everyone gets some." +"The first time I took an elevator, I was so happy","It was an uplifting experience" +"Did you hear about the guy that got frozen to absolute zero","He’s 0k now" +"What sort of animal can't get to sleep","An insomni-yak" +"Knock knock Who's there. Radio Radio who","Radio not, here I come" +"What is Forrest Gump's email password","1forrest1" +"6:30 is the best time on a clock","hands down" +"My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo","So I had to put my foot down" +"All day long my cat lazes around the house, saying he is hurt","I told him to quit being a hypochondriac but he just keeps saying me ow" +"What concert costs only 45 cents. 50 cent feat. Nickelback","EDIT: Wow, I really didn't expect this to blow up, thanks guys" +"Decided against removing the third wheel on my son's trike","Would have been two tiring..." +"I went to go download the Communist Manifesto on Audible","but the reviews said it's only good on paper" +"I’m reading a book about anti-gravity","Its impossible to put down" +"I really loved my Aunt Endre, so I decided to clone her","That way I would have double Aunt Endres" +"Wedding A recovering alcoholic is invited to his sister’s wedding. He shows up and sees dozens of friends and family at the bar, waiting for drinks. He glances at a cold, frosty beer, struggling internally. His mouth aches with thirst. He walks over to the bar and orders a draft. As he brings the bottle to his lips, he sees his 8-year-old nephew sipping fruit punch and eating cake. He thinks about everything he would throw away if he went back to the bottle. The way it would destroy him and, more importantly, his family. He puts down the beer, smiles at his nephew, and pours himself a glass of fruit punch","Fortunately for him, there was no punch line" +"What did mind say to matter","Never mind" +"What did the baby computer say to the father computer","Da ta" +"I have been rock climbing the last year or so as exercise","I have to say, it's taken my body to new heights" +"What is a mailman's favorite vegetable","lettuce" +"What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other","Eileen" +"I once had to find the circumference of a circle where the radius equaled damn","The circumference is TWO DAMN PI" +"I once knew a man who had trouble with his balance because he had lost all the toes on his right foot","I guess you could say he was lack-toes intolerant." +"Why don't dolphins make mistakes","Because they do everything on porpoise" +"Get divorced if you're broke","You'd only be half broke after" +"Dad got me at the hardware store. Dad and I went to the hardware store to buy fencing wire on the weekend","As we're walking in the door, dad turns to me all serious and says Remind me again: *wire* we here" +"My mission as a dad is complete. 'V' is my 4 year old son: http://imgur","com/fr7PzTI" +"“Ladies and Gentlemen","” That concludes our tour of the toilets" +"Why was the man not bothered or upset that someone had stolen all his dried grapes","He had no *raisons* to be" +"What do you call an ornament on a Christmas tree that is all by itself","The Decoration of Independence" +"I love walls","They are always there when I need someone to lean on" +"My boyfriend has graduated dadcademy We were on the way to my house and this happened: Me: I'm tired BF: You know what's tired. This car. Especially the back","it's exhausted" +"How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks","Because with great power comes great response ability" +"Embarrassed myself in class laughing at my friend's reaction to my top quality material So today in my physiology lecture we were talking about muscles and we touched on connective tissue and our prof said something about broad bands of connective tissue and I turned to my friend next to me and go If there's broad bands of connective tissue do you think there's Wi-Fi of connective tissue. He just sighed and told me he was going to punch me before going back to writing his notes with a look of pure hatred on his face","(I tried to contain my laughter to his reaction and ended up snorting really loudly like a minute later when I heard him snicker)" +"You wanna hear a dad joke","I’m pregnant" +"What's the funniest part of an egg","The yoke" +"Me to my nut allergic girlfriend. Me - We're going to the Peanuts movie eh. Her - Yes that's what we planned right","Me - Yeah, I just hope you don't have an allergic reaction" +"I was running my fingers down my SO's hair at a flag football game when. my fingers get stuck, she yelps, looks me dead in the eye and says, could you knot. Had me dying on the floor laughing with pride","EDIT: I could tell the difference between knot and not because: She gave me this really dorky, and prideful smile with that little twinkle of yeah, I just blew your mind right after she said it" +"What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend","He wiped his butt" +"Dadjoked my (possibly soon-to-be ex)friends at the bar We were just having a couple beers and watching football when our waitress came by and showed us the tip she received- a $1 bill folded into an origami frog. Friend: How do you make $1 origami frogs","Me: Well, first you start with $1 origami tadpoles (collective groan)" +"My wife and I lost 100 lbs combined","She lost 120 lbs" +"Why did the pianist quit playing the piano","Bad Bach" +"I always wanted to be somebody","In hindsight, I should have been more specific" +"Oh, so you're pregnant now","Pssshhh, I give it nine months" +"I’m making a name for myself at work. So there we were, in the break room of a retail establishment. A coworker was trying to toss her salad and one of my friends looks at me and says, “go ahead, do it. ” And I’m trying not to laugh, “do what. ” And he says, “make a joke. You want to, I can see it on your face. ” “I can’t, it’s not—” I don’t get to finish my sentence. “Why not. ” He asks, as if he’s disappointed. “Because…” ( •_•)>⌐■-■ “…I’m turning over a new leaf","” (⌐■_■)" +"BLK, the black bottled water, is best served warm","If you want it cold, you have to add the AC" +"What's the name of the pirate's cat","Garrrfield" +"Can of corn. You probably want to know why the title is Can of corn ,","I'm not going to tell you, it's too corny." +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon","Great food, no atmosphere" +"What did the Spanish moss say to the cypress","Mind if I hang around" +"Dad was pretty proud when he told me this: a redneck was having some marital problems. (kinda NSFW. ) Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob. Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me, says an embarrassed Billy Bob","But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'" +"Got My Wife Wife handed me a slice of Swiss cheese. I took a bite, looked at her and said, This cheese is pretty neutral. Much eye-rolling was had, and she left the room","I ate the rest of the cheese slice" +"My dad's been trollin since before he was a dad Here's the link to the album: http://imgur","com/a/kZ9hE" +"Tonight I was at the movie theater snack bar with my fiancé. Me: I'll have a cheeseburger, hotdog, 2 tater tots, 1 popcorn and a large soda. Cashier: Will that be all. Me: (turn to fiancé) I dont know, do you want anything","Her eyes have never rolled so fast" +"TIL: Amazon has come out with a new service where they will deliver custom fitted shirts to your home within 48 hours","It’s called Tailor Swift" +"A Welshman, an Irishman and an Englishman walk into a park and see a slide. This is no ordinary slide, mind you, this slide is magic. Anything you say as you're going down the slide is what you will land in. The Irishman goes first. A POT OF GOLD. he yells as he slides down and he lands in a pot of gold. The Welshman goes next. POT OF DIAMONDS. he yells just as loud as the Irishman and he lands in a pot of diamonds","The Englishman goes next, but he's been on the drink, so he stumbles his way up the slide, then, as he begins his journey down the slide, he yells, WEEEEE" +"My daughter asked me who is older, the sun or the moon","When I answered that the sun was older, she said: The moon is older because she can go out at night Well played" +"Everyone told Sam not to sing","But Samsung anyway" +"Went bowhunting today. [Dropped a nice one. ](http://imgur","com/a/yFocX)" +"Have you heard the rumor about butter. Never mind","I’m not going to spread it" +"What's long and hard and has cum in it","Cucumber" +"My parents were showing us pictures from their vacation Mom: Look how big our bed was. It was two double beds pushed together. Sister: Couldn't you feel the crack though","Dad: I tried a few times but your mom kept smacking my hand away" +"How did the pirate quit smoking","He used the patch" +"My son asked me, Dad, what is an idiot. I said, An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me","He replied, No" +"My friend is upset that she'll miss my wedding because she's in a different country http://i. imgur. com/ZAq89kH. jpg Just happened. My friend, after yelling at me for a good hour for scheduling my wedding when she can't attend, finally accepts the situation, albeit not happily. I'm trying to make her feel better, but you can't deny an opportunity when it presents itself",":D Friend : I'm being morose Me : Be less ose :D" +"Girlfriend told me to stop playing wonderwall","I said maybe" +"I’m making an app to find qualified electricians in your area","It’s called wattsapp" +"Medical student dad joke On my surgery clerkship, rounding on patients with the chief surgeon. Fellow student accidentally knocks over an eraser from a chalkboard. Surgeon: Watch where you're going. Surgery is not a game. Student: But Operation is. Everyone laughs, except the surgeon","Student: I'm going to fail my rotation now aren't I" +"My son asked to give my best dadjoke","I told him yes if he gave it back" +"Have you met the mushroom man","He's a real fungi" +"A German man walks up to the immigration desk at Warsaw airport. The immigration officer asks: “Occupation","” The German replies: “No, just a holiday" +"IKEA has been taken to court over faulty luggage","The prosecutors are having trouble putting a case together" +"A. Roman walks into a bar","He holds up two fingers and says, five beers please" +"Why do two melons need to have a proper ceremony when they get married","Because they cantaloupe" +"The wife said one of the tires on her car needed more pressure so I told it if I don't seen any improvement in it's sales number this quarter, its fired","" +"Our new librarian is very polite and I think she is Italian","I've just taken a book back that was months overdue but, rather than charging me, she just said, That's-a-fine" +"If pronouncing my v's as b's makes me sound. Russian","Then soviet." +"Why did the Sun go to school","To get brighter" +"I dad joked my dad","We just drove past a bunch of rowhomes in Philly and my dad pointed out one that had two Mary statues, so I said, The more the Mary-er" +"Why did the dust pan break up with the broom","Because it was sweeping around" +"What do you call the baby of a wealthy family","A fine whine" +"I once took off a snail's shell to help him move faster. It didn't help","He was still sluggish" +"What's the trouble with having a restaurant on the moon","You can have great food, but no atmosphere" +"I'm so excited that it's finally spring,","I wet my plants." +"Walked in on my dad watching TV like this I'm tired of thinking outside the box http://imgur","com/TSWv4gJ" +"I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage","The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity" +"I could never appreciate children between the ages of 13 and 19. Then, I added macro-nutrients made of amino acids to my diet. Now, I am pro-teen","A dad joke original from my dad" +"What happened to the Hippie after he fell over","He broke his joints" +"What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards","A receding hare line" +"My personal highlight of Christmas It's my favourite part of Christmas, as well as the majority of my family, to put the Christmas tree up, and my mum both excels in doing it and enjoys doing it. last year, we had the whole family round our house whilst my mum and my dad were putting up the tree, she was sorting out the ornaments and he was arranging the lights, all was going smoothly. A few hours later, after all was arranged and the tree was ready to go, my mum wanted my dad to turn the lights on, to truly signify Christmas had begun. Instead of just flicking the switch, he asked all of us to raise our hands in the air. After we'd all half-assedly done so, as we didn't quite understand why, one of my family made the mistake of asking why. Upon flicking the switch to turn them on, he said with glee, Many hands make light work","And we all groaned, but it brought me joy like only a classic dad joke can" +"What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts","One's under dollar fifty, the other's under a buck" +"I was in the hospital and asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches","She said suture self" +"I don't know why some people make a big deal about planting a garden","It's sow easy" +"I didn't think the electrician would look so suprised when he forgot to turn off the braker but","He was completely shocked" +"My sister bet me $1,000 that. I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face as","I drove pasta." +"What do you call a girl who sells herself for spaghetti","A pasta-tute" +"I switched out my bed for a trampoline","Let me tell you that my wife hit the roof when she found out." +"Girlfriend got me today. Her: I'm hungry. Me: We're making food, just be patient. Her: I don't have patience. Me: Well you need to learn patience","Her: Why do you think I'm going to medical school: to get some patients" +"Why did the man throw a boot into his wife’s stew","He thought it was bland and needed a little kick" +"I told my Dad that I was downloading a game at 4. 5 Megabytes per second","The last mega bite I heard of was a sandwich shop" +"Friend: You shouldn't run with scissors","Lesbien Friend: You shouldn't scissor with the runs" +"High or low knee Me: dad, my knee hurts Dad: is it your high or low knee","Me: high knee Dad: *laughing* Me: *shaking my head realizing what I did*" +"I called my son and said, “Hey, what are you doing","” He replied, “Most probably failing my driving test" +"All of this talk about cold feet on your wedding day is overblown. I mean, mine were groom temperature","-- ^^I ^^just ^^got ^^some ^^great ^^groans ^^from ^^my ^^wife ^^and ^^two ^^of ^^our ^^soon-to-be ^^married ^^friends ^^with ^^this ^^one" +"an actual joke my dad made at work today My father and I work together laying floors. Today we had to work in a unit that a cat had badly soiled; a regular occurrence. In these situations we are payed to seal the floor with sealant. My dad went to get sealant and walked in with CEILING PAINT. This will seal it right. It says ceiling","If i didnt need his help today I would have told him to leave" +"I saw a trampoline on sale, so","I jumped on it." +"I once drew a Venn Diagram to explain my use of puns to my wife We had been cooking dinner, and my wife commented (after one too many comments about 'Gouda being gooda and Feta being Betta') that it seemed like most of my puns tend to be food puns. So I drew her a diagram. I started with a huge circle to represent all of my puns. Inside that I drew a large circle filling about 90% of it. Those are my food puns. I then drew another circle, this one about half the size of the food circle, with almost all of it inside the food circle. And these are my cheese puns. My wife immediately called me out, pointing at the sliver that was outside of the food circle. Shouldn't this be fully inside the other circle","No, I say, Those puns are rare, but they tend to be cheesiest" +"Why did the garden tools break up","Because the rake couldnt handle that his girlfriend was a hoe" +"I once walked in on my teachers having sex","Being homeschooled was never easy for me" +"Got my boyfriend at brunch today. What kind of coffee does a matador like","Cafe ole" +"Shit coffee A year or two back, I was at this coffee farm in Hawaii. In the store, where they sell their coffee, I noticed a jar of Kopi Luwak on display (for those you that don't know, it's coffee that's eaten and defecated by an Asian civet). Because it's kind of a rarity, I was surprised that had a jar of it just sitting on the table. So I asked the older man that worked there if Kopi Luwak was something they sold there. He says, No, we don't sell that shit here","I died a little inside" +"Why did the uptight guy move to Taiwan","He had a Taipei personality" +"Oh, dad. *Dad(Sitting on the computer behind me)*: Thewierdside come here a second. *ignore because of GTAV* *Dad*: Thewierdside. *Me*: I'm coming. *Dad*: Hi coming, i'm ejaculating. do you know what an awkward laugh sounds like. because i do. It's when you laugh hysterically for 2 seconds then abruptly fade when you realise what your dad just said. **EDIT:** Oh yea, and why'd he call me on to the computer. he wanted a place to watch movies, so after that debacle, i suggested going to /r/fullmoviesonyoutube Me: www. reddit. com *slash* r *slash* Full, Movies, on, youtube. no space He, of course, wrote: www. reddit","com/r/fullmoviesonyoutubenospace said it wasnt working then laughed when he told me he typed in exactly what i said" +"Why did the scarecrow get a promotion","Cause he was outstanding in his field" +"What kind of fruit has a hard time getting married","A cantaloupe" +"I was in the E. This was a little while ago. I fell off a roof, landing back first on a curb (I'm fine, luckily). The nurse had just finished taking my vitals when this exchange went down: Nurse: Do you smoke cigarettes. Me: Nope Nurse: Alcohol. Me: I don't smoke it. (bonus",") Doctor: Well looks like we don't have to check him for a concussion" +"People with glasses are really looking forward to next year","It's the first time they will see 20/20" +"I've been wearing diapers recently for two reasons","Number one and number two" +"My dad told me he knows the score of the next. Superbowl before it even happens","Its 0 to 0, of course thats the score before the game even starts" +"What do you call a fly with no wings","A walk" +"Why is it important to fall backwards off the boat when scuba diving","Because if you fell forwards you'd still be on the boat" +"I'm really looking forward to applying to colleges","to a degree" +"Father-in-law just dropped this one on me We work together. Him: I got you a new key Me: For what. Him: The mail room upstairs Me: Where's the mail room","Him: Right next to the female room" +"Did you see the movie about the hot dog at a picnic","It was an Oscar wiener" +"My girlfriend broke up with me after I called her a ginger","She’s been waiting years for red head redemption" +"Did you hear about the real estate agent who attended finishing school","She now shows her manors" +"Has anyone else noticed that the symbol & .","looks like a man dragging his butt across the floor" +"A friend said to me: As a small boy, was your mum really strict","I said: Let me get this straight, my mother was never a small boy" +"I grew a beard in isolation and I asked my daughter Should I shave my beard","“ she said No Dad, it's grown on me I said Funnily enough it's grown on me too" +"What do sprinters eat before a race","Nothing, they fast" +"How does Bob Ross make a heavenly brush","Beats the devil out of it" +"I was on a roll today","Now there’s butter on my shoes" +"I'll show you mine if you show me yours. [Here you go. ](http://img2. etsystatic. com/000/0/5477476/il_fullxfull. 305229258","jpg)" +"Paralympics Apparently there was an awards ceremony at the Paralympics and the presenter tried to shake the hand of a guy with no arms. To his credit, the winner lifted his foot high to shake, but the presenter flinched away","Guess he was scared of getting athletes foot" +"Playing poker I was at my friend's poker night and we were playing texas hold 'em. On one of the hands the flop was a 3 of spades, a 7 of clubs, and a 2 of hearts","Nobody really had anything so far and the hand went: Friend 1 (small blind): Check Friend 2 (big blind): Check Friend 3: Check Friend 4: Check Friend 5: Check Friend 6: Check Me (dealer): We must be in the Czech Republic" +"What did one fish say to the other fish. How should I know","I dont speak fish" +"What's Macklemore's favorite movie","Goodwill Hunting" +"A man is driving a pickup truck along the road. In his flat bed he has a bunch of little ducklings. He drives past a police car which immediately fires up his blues and twos, and pulls the pickup truck over. Policeman says: Sorry mate, you can't be driving around with ducks in your flatbed. You have to take them to the zoo or something. So, the next day, the same man is driving the same pickup truck on the same road with the same ducklings in the back, except this time they're all wearing sunglasses. The same police officer pulls him over again. Policeman says: look mate, I told you yesterday to take those bloody baby ducks to the zoo. Man says: I did, they absolutely loved it","We're going to the seaside next" +"“I love the feeling when I can make people open up to me","” \- Mike, 48, surgeon" +"Being a Train driver must be a good Job","In this role you always will find yourself on track" +"My dad lied about being lactose intolerant","He’s been milking it for years" +"What do they call. Miley. Cyrus in. Europe. Kilometery","Cyrus" +"My grandmother wanted to get breast implants","My grandfather said Hell no, that's like putting a chandelier inside a haunted house" +"My 16 yr old son loves muscle cars and luxury cars. He noticed a beautiful Lexus next to us at a light. I told him too bad Lexus doesn't make a muscle car","They could call it Flexus" +"A child's laughter is the best thing you can hear","Unless it's 3 am in your house and you don't have children" +"What is the difference between Steve Jobs and a pirate. One has the iPad and the other eye patch","Credit to my brother, who is a dad" +"Why do landlords like to rent their storefronts to Chinese restaurants","Because they're lo mein tenants" +"A pun enters a room and kills 10 people","Pun in, ten dead" +"My son asked if we could wake up and watch the sunrise","I told him no, but he can watch the dadsleep instead" +"It’s 2:30","Time to go see a dentist" +"Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of boats","It's because if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat" +"I met a girl on the internet we fell in love","We had a textual attraction to each other" +"Be careful standing near those trees. Why. The sky is clear, there's no chance of a storm or lightning","I don't know really, they just look kind of shady to me" +"A short Dad joke So I'm driving and at the traffic light, I accidentally rear-end someone. I sit there astonished, and then out from the car I hit comes a small guy. He says in a stern voice I am not happy","To which I reply: Well, which one are you then" +"I got my son logic puzzles for. Christmas","He needed some presents of mind" +"My teacher said If you don't study you're screwed and then brought out a huge screw and waved it around. Then he told the story of how he went to. Home","Depot and bought the biggest screw he could find just for that joke" +"How many gardeners does it take to screw in a light bulb. Juan. What gender, and how would you rate the quality of work","Emanuel" +"What's an emery board for your toenails","A pedi-file" +"Why do birds fly south in the Fall","Because it's too far to walk" +"Wife and two strangers Was at food truck event this evening. After getting our food we sat at a table with a couple we meet while in line. My wife and the other lady were talking. The lady asks my wife a question but she had just taken a bite of grilled octopus. I know the answer so I chime in","I then apologize for my wife stating she was pre-octo-pied and could not answer for herself" +"A witch was making a potion, but added a wrong ingredient because the recipe was wrong","There was a spelling error" +"Courtesy of my 8 year old, What did the cat say to the dog","Check Meowt" +"Wife called me at work and said she was throwing some steaks in the pan for dinner last night. I said, what happens if your throw misses. Do they become miss-steaks. Wife hung up the phone","(True story, actually happened" +"A WELL placed joke. Dad: Have you heard the joke about the three holes filled with water","Me: No Dad: Well, well, well" +"Dadjoked my roommate Roommate: She waited for me for 2 years, but then we broke up. Now she's married to a guy named Craig. Me: Did they meet on Craigslist. Groans and laughter ensued","If people laughed maybe it wasn't quite daddy enough" +"Via text Daughter : Dad, I think the dog had an accident in the living room. Dad: I already took care of it Daughter : cool Dad: no, it was still warm","Daughter : Dad, stop" +"My computer broke, and my boss told me to take it to the. IT guy. So","I went outside and threw it in the sewer" +"Recently, a race of bird people and a society of necromancers has gone to war","It's the Knight owls Vs the Mourning people" +"Got my sleepy girlfriend","We are both laying on her bed when she tells me you took all my sheets I responded I don't give a sheet The disappointment on her face was priceless" +"What do you call a guy who can lift a car","Jack" +"Got A New Book In The Mail After weeks of waiting, I finally got my highly rated book on edible plants in the mail","After scanning through and seeing that some common herbs were missing, I exclaimed, This is a thyme-less classic" +"A man walks into a bar after a long day at work. He sits down, orders a beer, and begins to mull over his day. After a few minutes he hears a quiet, and high pitched voice say I like your shirt . He looks around and doesn't see anybody, so he goes back to his drink. A few sips later he hears the same voice say You have lovely eyes . He looks around again half expecting to see Alvin the chipmunk, but there is nothing. After a few more sips, he hears it again, I bet your parents are real proud of you . Finally he has had enough. He slams his drink down, looks over at the bartender, and says what the hell is that high pitched voice I am hearing. The bartender looks up and says Its the peanuts","They're complimentary" +"I have no children but","I still tell dad jokes he loves them" +"At first. I disliked parasites","But later on they grew on me" +"Why did the kid cross the playground","To get to the other slide" +"What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line","Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS" +"Gender politics in the Home Depot garden section So my parents bought a new house, and they are in the process of moving in. He wants to get some greenery for the front yard, so we're at Home Depot. He's looking at something, I don't know what, and he makes the comment, this is almost the exact same thing that we have at the old house, and I love it. I ask him, why didn't you like my idea of transplants from the old one to the new house, then. Deadpan he replies, Jay, you know I don't care about a plants sexual orientation or gender","Seriously, my father, ladies and gentlemen" +"Got kicked out of the kitchen Wife is baking, and I got kicked out of the kitchen. You know what you have in common with this sugar. You're super fine. Want me to stand next to them when they come out of the oven. I'll make them cool. Wow; that batter changed like me from high school to college","It got smooth" +"If. Hooters had delivery","Would it be called knockers?" +"How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks","Because with great power comes great response ability" +"A lot of European artists from 1590 - 1725 couldn't afford much at all due to their artistic style","It seems they were all Baroque" +"I've always thought. I'm pretty hot. No wonder my","Dad calls me sun" +"Ah, marriage","It has a nice ring to it" +"Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader","Because calling him Master Vader made all the stormtroopers giggle" +"I lost my job as a sheet metal worker","I don't know what happened but I gave it my awl" +"What do you get when you play tug of war with a pig","Pulled pork" +"Wife hit me with this one. Pulled a pair of jeans out of the dryer, noticed the jingling and turned around to show my wife that the change didn't fall into the dryer for once","She replied, why didn't you tell me we were laundering money" +"Dad joked a girl at work today. I was walking around at work today and a girl asked me, Hey, why are you always walking around looking like that","I said, If I didn't walk around looking like this no one would recognize me" +"Why can't the pirate recite the alphabet","Because he sometimes gets lost at C" +"got my mom today mom: we should cross the street to stay out of the sun","me: I don't know, that side of the street looks kind of shady" +"My brother DJ is a horrable chief","He keeps dropping the Beet" +"I can't believe that 15 years after the show ended people are still making Friends references","No one told me life was gonna be this way" +"When the pizza man asked what the. Buddhist would like on his pizza. The","Buddhist replied, make me one with everything." +"I made an unintentional Dad Joke today. I was at Home Depot, looking at new windows when an employee came up and asked if I needed any help. Without even thinking, I responded: No thanks, just window shopping","" +"Diarrhea is hereditary","It runs in your jeans" +"Why don't ants get coronavirus","Because they're good at keeping 6 feet apart" +"As I sit here eating my Pi day pie, I'm looking forward to also celebrating Tau day","Then my desserts will have come full circle" +"A waiter brings a small post-it note to a couple instead of a menu. It has You look lovely and I love what you've done with your hair written on it. The couple look confused and ask the waiter what's going on. Compliments of the Chef","he says" +"Came home from work and Dad asked why mice have such small balls. Me: I dunno Dad","Dad: Because so few of them know how to dance" +"Finding. Bigfoot","Will be no small feat" +"What Did The Monkey Say When His Tail Got Caught In The Lawn Mower. It won't be long now. Ted Allen said this dad joke on Chopped and this older cowboy chef knew the punchline","He must have kids" +"I'm really glad. McDonald's doesn't sell hotdogs. Because. I don't think. I could order a. Large","McWeiner with a straight face" +"I wonder what Wookie meat tastes like","I'm betting that it is a little Chewie" +"Where do homeless Italians live. Nowhere, they just rome","*Edit: typo" +"I lost my dog in. Egypt","I was swimming in denile" +"My son thinks it's getting to me when he complains about me serving his scrambled eggs with a spoon","But, I just don't give a fork" +"Mop bucket, excavator bucket, crusher bucket, wooden bucket, leather fire buckets","This is my bucket list" +"I read most car accidents happen within 5 miles of your own home","So I moved" +"What do you call a cow with no legs","Ground beef" +"The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines","It’s always the centre of a tension" +"One of my colleagues asked, Do you play the piano by ear. Another colleague in the room replied, No, Lisa. He uses his fingers","Gotta pay attention" +"What did one plate say to the other","Don’t worry, the foods on me" +"Dad and Book. Last night, i asked him it's late. btw, what are you reading. He said. I’m reading a book on the history of glue – can’t put it down","HAHA" +"What’s the Thesaurus’ favorite food","Synonym rolls" +"I passed my husband a piece of ginger to weigh on the scale","My husband dropped it, and a nearby stranger shouted , you better handle that gingerly" +"A pencil challenged a pair of curtains to a staring contest","They drew." +"After a long trip back home, my mother announced “If anyone has to go to the restroom, go now","” And I continued: “Or forever hold your pee" +"What kind of coffee do cows drink","Decalf" +"The best joke my dad ever told My dad is really proud of this one. It's the only joke he's ever told that's been funny enough to make somebody laugh so hard that they spit out of their nose. It was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for this joke, so let me give you some context first: He's been in a motorcycle accident (hit and run by an illegal immigrant), and had to have most of his vertebrae fused. They use titanium rods to hold your back from bending, so as you can imagine its kind of a major operation. His doctor prescribed a year (or longer if needed) of massage therapy, which he was thankful for. Twice a week he went in to a small clinic for a few hours at a time, and usually had the same masseuse. Let's call her Marge. After four months of therapy they of course got to know each other very well. He was always faithful to my mother, but he was good friends with Marge. Their conversations range all the way from baseball to differentials, and everything stays platonic. Here's where the story begins: During a massage, they are having an energetic conversation, the time comes where he turns onto his back so that she can get to his knee ligaments (chainsawed his kneecap a few years prior, doc said may as well get there too). She goes at it like normal, and the conversation continues. Now here comes the part that made my dad wait to tell me this until recently: The stimulation in his knee for some reason, on that day out of all others, triggered a reflexive erection. There was nothing he could do to stop it. The conversation goes quiet. Marge notices, but doesn't say a word. She remains professional. She continues working. My dad is more embarrassed than he's ever been. Several minutes of silence pass, and my dad cant take it anymore. Marge, he says, I think we need to talk about the elephant in the room. He raises his head to look down the table at her. He glances at it, then back to her","With a slight shake of his head he says: Wait nevermind, it's only his trunk" +"I spent 10 minutes trying to remember what the opposite of night was","In the end I had to call it a day" +"[NSFW] What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil","I've never paid $100 to have a lentil on me" +"How do mountains see","They peak" +"Where did Napoleon keep his armies. In his sleevies. Bonus: How did Hitler tie his shoes","In little Nazis" +"How do weathermen go on a break","They take a high-80s" +"I drive a Honda Element I'm coming back from my lunch break and get out of my car to see my friend walking out of the building and he yells to me","you're lookin a little out of your element" +"How do you fix a pumpkin. With a pumpkin patch","Hahahahahahahahahaha" +"Which operating system do the Avengers use","Than OS" +"I used to be indecisive","Now I'm not so sure" +"What do you get when you mix lime disease with avacados, and a tomato","Guacoma" +"These jokes about boomerangs are really getting out of hand","And then back into hand" +"When. I show people my step ladder","I always tell them in a sad voice, “I never knew my real ladder.”" +"I like my coffee how. I like my slaves","Free" +"Cop: I'm sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck","Dad: Yeah, but she has a great personality" +"What would you name your pet pig","Chris P Bacon" +"Texting my. Dad on. Father's. Day. Me:. You're amazon dad. Me:. Amazing*. Dad:. That's really nile of you. Dad:","Nice*" +"What happens if a frog parks illegally","They get toad" +"Do you know how the artist died while painting","They had a stroke" +"Last night, a naked man broke into our church and started running around","The cops finally caught him by the organ" +"Have I told you about the movie erection. No","Must not of come up yet" +"Which rock group has four members and doesn't sing. Mt","Rushmore" +"Being a pediatrician is such an easy job","It's like taking money from babies." +"Which day of the week is the driest","Thirstday" +"Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen","It would be total bedlam" +"Why did the IRS change their logo to a dolphin","For tax porpoises" +"My friend, who's a drummer, got me just a few minutes ago. I asked him to stop drumming so that. I could finish reading an essay by. Thoreau, and within a few minutes,. I received this text: Does my lack of drumming allow you to do a more","Thoreau job with your reading?" +"Why did the geologist’s wife divorce him","Because he took her for granite 😁" +"A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them","When he rounded them up, he had 200" +"I heard that there was a gnome mystic that broke out of prison","He is a small medium at large" +"Disappointed family While waiting for the final song of my niece's orchestra concert to begin the conductor turns to the audience and says one moment please, we are missing our basoonist. Without skipping a beat I say WELL HE BETTER GET HERE SOONIST","My family was unimpressed" +"Why do mosquitoes prefer to drink alcohol instead of blood","Because it gives them a nice buzzzzzzz" +"How do Asian bears cook their food","With a Pan-duh" +"Baby had been really energetic. Baby had been unusually energetic all day until she finally let loose with a MASSIVE poop. Easily the biggest she's ever had. Afterwards. Wife: She might be ready for her nap. She finally seems tired now","Me: Well, that obviously took a lot out of her" +"Why can’t the seven dwarves drink at the bar","Because they’re miners" +"What do you call a story about a small horse","A pony tale" +"How do you put a spaceship to sleep","You rocket" +"What's green and fuzzy, and would kill you if it fell on you","A pool table" +"What do you call a boat in training","An apprenticeship" +"I was recently smoking weed on the floor. My wife asked me what i was doing","And i said: I have the high ground" +"I'm friends with 25 letters in the alphabet","I don't know why" +"A joke my dad's been telling for years now (A joke my dad has been telling for years now) A Koala walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders dinner. Once he's finished eating, the waiter brings him his bill. The koala pulls out a gun, fires a few rounds into the air and heads for the door. Curious, the waiter runs over and stops him. What do you think you're doing. The koala says I'm a koala. Look it up. The waiter gets a dictionary and looks up koala. It says, Marsupial","Eats shoots and leaves" +"My","Dad just told me a joke about deers I found the cheapest meat ever, it was below a buck * What was it * Deer balls" +"An assassin was recently hired to kill a cow in a rice field with two porcelain figures","Police say it's the first reported case of nick-nack paddy wack." +"Where do you go to buy running equipment","The flee market" +"I went bungee jumping and the cord broke","It was a huge letdown" +"Just remembered one my dad used to tell when I was little. Dad: There are 2 guys on a boat: Pete and RePete. Pete falls into the water, who's left on the boat. Young me: RePete Dad: There are 2 guys on a boat: Pete and RePete. Pete falls into the water, who's left on the boat","Young me: RePete *rePete until groans become deafening*" +"from my gf's little sister What's a nurse's favorite game","Peekaboo ICU" +"I liked my trip to. Sweden overall,","But all the cakes there were kaka." +"My wife wanted me to say dirty things to her","I said Bath, kitchen, living room" +"What do you call a bee that is found only in America","A USB" +"I dad joked myself accidentally yesterday Sitting on the toilet at work. I finished the transaction and after wiping once, I was surprised that it was a ghost wipe. I looked at the paper and thought to myself No shit","Bert stared at the stall door" +"I met a pessimistic photographer the other day","He wouldn’t stop talking about negatives" +"My parents really tried hard to raise me as an only child","Which annoyed my brother no end." +"My son started to panic after he dropped a huge jar of pickles and got pickles everywhere. “Don’t worry,” I told him","“Everything’s kosher" +"My dad just walked in the door after work. I asked: what's up","He responded: hard dicks and airplanes" +"Always wondered why people say Come what May","Come what April , doesnt have the same ring" +"Best joke of my life (kinda) So at my school, we had a pipe burst. Joke at the end of you want to skip Now it's pretty normal in the midwest, where I live, to have this thing. It started with the fire alarm going off, because of the pressure decrease, and the school was evacuated. We were all eventually brought back, for it was cold. We sat in our gym for AN HOUR before being dismissed back to our classes. So it's near the end of the day and I have gym class. And I'm having your normal conversation with a friend about the school's financial problems. And we were just talking about how the school is going to have to pay so much money for the new pipe and the ceiling tiles and the cleaning etc. And then it was my moment to shine. So the conversation is almost over and the friend says, It'll be a while before normal funds go back","And I just say this: Yeah man, the school's money is going down the drain" +"Did you hear about the band 1023 MB","They’re good, but they haven’t got a gig yet" +"My scary looking neighbor just took a job to run a Walmart in Houston","We are all terrified of The Texas Chain Store Manager" +"How many ears does Spock have","Three: a left ear, a right ear, and a final frontier" +"My friend. Lee told me he just found out his wife was pregnant. I told him, It seems you are a father now, a parent","Lee." +"Whats brown and rhymes with snoop. Dr","Dre" +"King and Queen King: I need to find a name for the soldiers in my army. Queen: Do you have any ideas. King: Not yet. Queen: Hmm. Well you should just come to bed, it's getting late. King: No, I can't sleep until I find the name. Queen: K. Night. King:","WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY" +"If William Barr ends up getting disbarred . Will he just be William. Or will he be William Disbarred","🤔" +"My girlfriend got me with this one after lunch My girlfriend and I were walking out of a fast food place after eating, on the way back to our car I was walking along a curb with my arms out like a tightrope walker. She looked at me and said must have been a well balanced meal","I think she's the one" +"My wife and I are having a competition to see who can steal the most dog related stuff from our local petshop","I've just taken the lead" +"I once saw a pirate with a steering wheel in his pants","When I asked him about it, he said, Arrr it's drivin' me nuts" +"Adidas is having a tent sale. This 100+ person volleyball chat I am in was blowing up about this tent sale (things you bring to tailgates/sporting events)","This sale really sounds intents People told me I'm lame and a terrible human being" +"Today I have outdone myself Today I have outdone myself. When asking my sister how her day went, she said that she learned how to cook an omelet today and she said she did really well on it. I then said next time, omelet you cook breakfast","I swear the look of disgust on her face could turn milk sour, and I couldn't be any prouder of myself" +"Yesterday. I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says. I'm. OK, but. I feel like","I've dyed a little inside." +"Americans. Fight for Ned's Newt Rally by signing up for free intern pets Or was it net neutrality for a free internet. If you dont want to lose the ability to freely browse the best joke sub, sign the petitions, and stick up for freedom my Southern brethren","Your Northern neighbours support you, eh" +"European","I'm a poopin'" +"Kids are like tattoos","They seem permanent, but actually you can remove them with lasers." +"Why do ants never fall sick","Because they have little anty-bodies" +"One of my patients got me yesterday I asked him how are you feeling today","His response: with my hands, mostly" +"My friend has been a limo driver for 25 years and hasn’t had a single customer","All that time and nothing to chauffeur it" +"I reverse-dad-joked the husband We were driving up to Austin to see a show sans kid for the evening, and stopped by a Culver's to get some delicious snacks for the road. He got this mint chocolate chip shake thing and worked on it for the better part of 30 minutes before he sighed and put the cup down. He said, This is too much. I just can't handle anymore. I asked if he meant he was too full. No, not physically, he said. It's too strong in flavor. I can't take anymore, mentally. I nodded, and after a second, said, You can't take anymore, MINTally","He facepalmed" +"The dad joke I'm going to hell for I was watching tv in the office when a story about heart transplantation comes on","Without missing a beat I turn to my co-worker and say: well he's pretty heartless , she turns and nods, turning her attention back to the tv and then looks back at me a second later with a look of disgust but also smiling" +"My dad is an old hippie, this was his thoughts on the 70s I used to do drugs in the 70s, now","I don't care what the temperature is" +"What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza","Little Caesars" +"So I wanted to publish my book on how to maximize storage usage in your kitchen. But the publisher refused saying they could not publish illegal material","Stupid anti counter fitting laws" +"I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back… I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time my wife was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. I stopped abruptly and rolled over to my side of the bed. Why are you stopping. she whispered","I whispered back, I found the remote" +"Just got Dad joked by my 22 year old son I asked him what he was doing. He told me that he was doing nothing. I then reminded him that he has been doing nothing all day. His reply - Well, I'm not done, and you keep interrupting me","I can't wait until I'm a grandfather" +"Jerry had a strange disease where he could not experience pain unless it was raining","You could say he felt a bit under the weather" +"what do you call a masturbating cow","Beef stroganoff" +"If getting married is supposed to be forever","does that mean there's a wifetime guarantee" +"I made a joke about Pi day being an irrational holiday, and then my dad followed up with this joke; It was suggested that I make a carrot cake today rather than a pie, but I only have a square pan","I just know that a square root cake would never work on Pi day" +"I don’t know why people say cancer is hard to beat","I’m already on stage 4" +"Camping with my dad So as me and my dad were pitching our tent he goes, Wow, there isn't a single mosquito here","they are all married and have 10,000 kids" +"A man walks into a bar with an ornately carved box under his arm. Bartender: Hold on there, buddy, what's in the box. Man: I'll show you if you give me a free drink. The bartender agrees, and the man lifts the lid to reveal a tiny man, who starts playing an equally tiny piano. Bartender: That's amazing. Where did you find him. Man: There's a genie outside granting free wishes. But if you go out there, be sure to speak up, because I think the genie is hard of hearing. Bartender: Why do you say that","Man: Do you think I would have wished for a twelve inch pianist" +"If smoking is so bad","then why does it cure salmon" +"What sound does a witches car make","Broom Broom" +"My wife and my family are leaving me because of my obsession with watching horse racing on TV","“And they are off" +"Not my first but it felt good: My newborn daughter is currently in the NICU recovering from a heart condition which had caused some respiratory complications. Because of these respiratory complications she had been intubated since birth until just a few days ago which had prevented her from learning how to breast feed. This morning, I told my wife to keep me updated with how things are going as she spent some time with our daughter so that I could get some of life's necessities completed. My wife then sent me a text explaining that the doctors had decided to allow our daughter to breast feed and that our daughter had just latched for the first time. I responded, That's great news","Thanks for keeping me abreast" +"Two guys walk into a bar","The third one ducks" +"What do you call a minstrel that doesn't cuddle","No holds bard" +"What kind of shoes do bananas make","Slippers" +"My drum instructor asked me to never come back to class again","He said if I did, there will be repercussions" +"Just received a classic dad text He had been helping me cut a piece of linoleum and busted out this gem. http://imgur","com/a/87f84" +"What did one German wheat farmer say to another German wheat farmer","Gluten Tag" +"What kind of car do dinosaurs drive","A Priustoric" +"Where did you learn to make ice cream","Sunday school" +"3 men walk into a bar","The 4th one ducks" +"Why do shoes love the blues and jazz music so much","Because they both have a lot of soul" +"I’m proud of my daughter. Son: What is cottage cheese. Me: Cheese you eat in a cottage. Wife: When curds and whey separate","Daughter: This is the way" +"A man walks into an ice cream parlor and says, “Give me two scoops of chocolate. ” The guy behind the counter says, “I’m sorry sir, we’re out of chocolate. ” The man replies with, “well, in that case. give me two scoops of chocolate. ” The guy behind the counter says, “Sir, I’m sorry but we’re out of chocolate. ” The man, thinking hard this time says, “Well, I want two scoops of chocolate. ” The guy behind the counter, now irate, says, “Sir, can you spell the straw in strawberry. ” “S-T-R-A-W” “Can you spell the van in vanilla. ” “V-A-N” “Can you spell the fuck in chocolate. ” The man thinks for a second and says, “There is no ‘fuck’ in chocolate. ” The guy behind the counter slaps the countertop with his hand and says, “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. There is no fucking chocolate","”" +"My hipster friend drowned","He tried to walk on ice before it was cool" +"So the wife is shopping for a bra in Target. Wife: I'm looking for a wireless nursing bra. Help me find one. Me: So you want something that comes with WiFi","Wife: Go wait in the car" +"Two dancers are performing. One is a always one post behind the other. The name of the act","Pre pose turous" +"Out-dadded by Mom I always say sieze the carp because I'm hilarious. Sent my mom [the following text](http://imgur. com/ZYzejt2), letting her know I was out because it was such a nice day: >**Me:** Playing disc golf. >**Mom:** :). K >**Me:** Figured I'd size the carp while I could",">**Mom:** That's a Diem good idea" +"Can anyone here help me. I'm not sure if this is the right place to ask for help. My son asked me to make him a paper airplane","I tried all the magic I know but he's still just a boy" +"I asked my boss how far he drives to work everyday","All the way" +"What sports team did the train conductors join. The track team","I'll see myself out" +"I don't trust stairs","They're always up to something." +"Why did the traffic light turn red","It was embarrassed to change in the street" +"I bought a covid face mask covered with random musical symbols","It’s very noteworthy" +"Did you hear the Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga are going to form a new band","They're going to be called the Goo Goo Gagas" +"What do you get when you have 16 copies of The Wizard of Oz","The Wizard of Lb" +"My dad was trying to rush me out the door and got me with this Dad: Come on, get in the car. Me: I don't have to hurry. I'm driving separately","Dad: Who's separately" +"How do you make a hankie dance","Put a little boogie in it" +"Two cannibals were eating a clown","One said to the other, “does this taste funny to you" +"I asked a contrarian yoga instructor to go away","He said namaste" +"I had a hard time selling. German. Philosophy. I guess it's a. Nietzsche","Market." +"I live in an old neighborhood with a 100 year old oak tree. One day every year, all the kids in the neighborhood put all their boy/girl scout badges on the tree. One day, I wonder why the kids do this. So, I called up my dad to ask him, and he said","Oh, it's just a badge oak" +"What do you call a dog that lives under the sea","A subwoofer" +"What do you get when you have an ant infestation","Too many cousins" +"What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone. You can't hear an enzyme","(my dad's favorite joke)" +"What's Vladimir Putin's favorite Justin Timberlake song","Crimea river" +"Intergalactic Dad Jokes are fun http://imgur","com/1Bc53JH" +"Every time I ask my son what a new phrase means, he tells me to google it","Kids these days have a lot of slang for a killer clown movie" +"My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line","That's the paunch-line" +"Public opinion was favorable for local farmer banning outsiders access to hills filled with mushroom on his land","He had the morel high ground" +"Did you hear about the dude who stole the calendar","He got 12 months" +"How do you catch a unique rabbit","Unique up on him" +"Before my surgery, my anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas, or a boat paddle","It was an ether/oar situation" +"How did the hacker escape the scene of the crime","They ran-some-where" +"Why can't you tell jokes around Easter eggs. They'll crack up","^(Happy Easter everyone" +"I think. I am a muffler today","I woke up so exhausted" +"Why are numbers like humans","the irrational ones go on and on" +"My mom dadjoked dad I asked my dad what's the hardest part about being a lefty","Mom immediately exclaims: HE'S NEVER RIGHT" +"What do you call a French prostitute in Pakistan","LaHore" +"What was the name of the sick ruler","Julius Sneezer" +"Hey Dad, we should throw a housewarming party for the new neighbors","Dad moves defensively towards the thermostat: A what kind of party" +"Want to hear a joke about paper","Nevermind, it’s tearable" +"Step 1: Be named Muhammed. Step 2: Get some followers. Step 3: Prophet","As seen on /r/jokes originally from u/vugg" +"Knock knock / Who’s there. / Broken pencil / Broken pencil who","Nevermind it’s pointless" +"Dad: someone here is possessed by an Owl. Son: Who","Dad: mhmm guess we found out" +"There was a murder over at a local tavern","Evidence shows that it was a crowbar" +"I found out I'm lactose intolerant","I can't stand, not having any toes" +"[OC]What is the slyest letter in the alphabet","The sublte T" +"What did the pirate shoot while playing golf","Parrrrr" +"gas station bathrooms","have seen some shit" +"Why are percussion players so popular","They know how to drum up support" +"Dad's got a cold sense of humor. Dad: The Islamic State could really improve its image if they recruited more from Italy. Me: Why's that","Dad: 'Cause everyone likes Italian ices" +"What do you call a very religious bird","A bird of pray" +"My daughter got me the other night. I was proud beyond belief","My 3 yr old daughter was about to much down on a burrito and I said wait, eat this end first (because it was open on that end) and she looked at me and said, no, I don't want to eat the end, I want to eat the beginning" +"Your Indian restaurant is naan profit","My Vietnamese is pho profit" +"My chemistry teacher threw sodium chloride at my face today","That's assault" +"What do you call a duck that gets all A's","A wise quacker" +"Me to my daughter: I know everything. Her: no you don't. Me: I'll prove it later. Later that day. Her:dad, can I go to shelly's and play. Me:No. Her: Why not","Me: Because I no everything" +"Why don't cows wait in line when they learn math","Because they're cow queue less" +"I know where that airplane is going. Dad: *pointing at a plane in the air* Oh wow, I can actually tell where that airplane is going. Me: No way, where. Dad:","the Airport" +"My name is Joanne, by the way. I just started an internship at a newspaper in May and I haven't met many people, yet. The other day this woman talked to me and at the end of it she says, My name is Joanne, by the way. And without hesitation, I reply, That's an interesting last name. Needless to say, she didn't understand and I just looked completely stupid","I will not make friends fast here" +"I didn't know how to open an egg","But I had a crack at it" +"Brother texted me, asking if we're not doing dinner, or still dinner","Told him I like still dinner, live dinner doesn't go down easy" +"My 7yo son asked if you could have superpowers, what would you pick","I told him I'd choose the soup" +"My car got keyed last night","Good news is the damage looks to B Minor" +"I can't believe the girls at school can't wear tank tops, it totally violates the second amendment","Don't they have a right to bare arms" +"9 out 10 people who know sign language say","It is handy" +"Did you hear about the movie called constipation","It hasn't come out yet" +"I have a fear of speed bumps","But I’m slowly getting over it" +"I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle, so. I bought a steel whistle and it steel wooden whistle, so. I bought a tin whistle and now","I tin whistle." +"My coworker asked me to judge their tan","I gave it a tan out of tan" +"What training do you need to become a garbage collector","None, you just pick it up as you go along" +"I have been dadjoking since I can remember, preparing for the day I'm a dad, but I just got dadjoked by wife My wife leaves a ton of hairs in the bathtub and forgets to pick them up. I call her on it. Her: well, you're in the bathroom now, pick them up. Me: no. You always do it. It's the principal of it. Her: no it's not the principal 'cause they haven't gone to school","ಠ_ಠ i couldn't stoo laughing for about 5 minutes" +"Why aren't koala bears actually bears","They don't have the bear necessities" +"Got my dad at dinner last night My dad was talking about a client of his with the last name of Lyon. She is divorced and gets paid a lot monthly for child support. I replied so she just gets paid for Lyon around","I've never heard him groan so loud" +"So I was talking to my Dad about a friend. Me: We couldn't meet up because he spent the whole summer in Greece. Him: Wow, I hope he washed it off","Updoot dis if u cri evertim" +"I just got a new job conducting trains","I start training tomorrow" +"I glued a small piece of wood to my shirt for my Halloween costume","whenever someone asked me what I was, I shrugged my shoulders and said eh, I'm just a little board" +"Can you believe people actually eat mountain oysters","Isn't that nuts" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When it's fully groan" +"I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey","but then I turned myself around" +"My dad always told me, Don't be quick to find faults","Good man, terrible geologist" +"Scientists have advised that we stop eating cows","We’ll have to think of udder things to eat." +"What is a four-letter word for 'wind instrument'","Doing a crossword, I asked for a four letter word meaning 'wind instrument': Mum: Oboe Dad: Anus Edit: improved formatting" +"Her: Hey, can you pick up my towel. Me: Hey there towel, looking good","What are you doing later" +"My kid wanted to join the orchestra","I said sorry, but you're way too young for that… …it has a lot of sax and violins" +"Wife wanted to know if I would like some tea. In my best rasta impression, I belted out with: No woman, No chai","the sigh was heard for miles" +"I bought my dad a leafblower for Father’s Day He said “return it","I don’t need any anti-vacs in this household”" +"How many Programmers does it take to change a light bulb","None, it’s a hardware problem" +"A southern gentleman shows up for his vasectomy wearing a tuxedo The doctor asks why are you dressed like that","If I'm going to be impotent, I want to look impotent" +"What do you call a magician who loses his magic","Ian" +"Did you hear that Thanos was committed to an insane asylum. It's true","He snapped" +"Making an escalator","It's just like making an elevator, but with extra steps." +"I've just burned 3,000 calories","I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven." +"My adopted son loves me really. http://i. imgur. com/fcNsMRG. jpg Later I told him to: Get his skates on to go to his class and kipper good sense of humour about it, because I'm not annoying him on porpoise","He claimed he wasn't listening to me, so I asked if he was hard of herring" +"Me: Dad, I’m hungry Dad: There’s food in the kitchen. I’ll make something later. Me: Thanks, Dad","Dad: No problem, hungry" +"Managed to get groans of disapproval from everyone at the dinner table Was at dinner tonight with my girlfriends family and her sister brought her new puppy over. Their step dad left the room momentarily and the puppy followed him. GF: Oh, jeeze <step dad>, you've got a little stalker. Me: Oh no. We better call the pawlice","Rest of table: <audible groans> I'm only 22, but I like to think I have a bit of dad in me already" +"My girlfriend said that quilts are better than duvets","I told her she should be careful making blanket statements like that" +"Balloon in a tree Brother: Is that a Frozen balloon up in that tree. Me: Looks like it","some kid must have accidentally Let it go" +"I can't help it, I like telling dad jokes","Sometimes he laughs" +"Said the first thing that popped into my head In reference to a blind lady: Friend: oh, I didn't see her","Me: She probably didn't see you either" +"Ant in Rome What do you call an ant and a tick on holiday in Rome","Romantic" +"While walking down History Blvd with my daughter. > **Me:** See that house on the right over there. Your mom and I are moving there to live out our days. > > **Daughter:** *What*. Why. > > **Me:** So that the entire world will know that we were always on the right side of history. Many-a-groans were had","I now feel like more of a dad than ever" +"The Hall of Deans So my dad, sister and I all went to go and visit my grandmother (she got moved to hospice this week) at the hospital, and on the entry way it showed a Hall of Deans for the Sanford Medical School/Hospital. Like four busts all in a row. My Dad, whose name is Doug goes, God, all four of them were named Dean. Where's the Hall of Dougs. Sign me up. He had tears coming out of his eyes","I love my family" +"A pirate once tried to shoot me but constantly missed","I think his hands were too clammy" +"My friend Charlie was trying to sell me some chickens and ducks","I wanted a duck but he kept trying to up-sell me a couple chickens, so I finally insisted: “CHUCK, A DUCK’LL DO" +"What's the freshest type of paper","Newspaper" +"I told my boyfriend J. Rowling wrote some books under another name","Him: Is it Serious Rowling" +"Bread is like the sun","It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist" +"I've put on so much weight since I started eating clocks","I always go back for seconds" +"My music teacher is obviously a dad. I was in music class today and my teacher picked up a folder a pupil in the previous class had left behind. The folder was labelled 'French' and on top of it there was a book that said 'Speaking Book' (obviously referring to French Speaking practice). My music teacher then opened the book and put it to his ear. With a confused look on his face he exclaimed: 'Well I can't hear anything","' Groaning from all the class then ensued" +"Why isn't a koala considered a bear","They dont have the koala facations" +"My dad, the weather expert During a phone call with my dad today, we got to talking about a recent hailstorm. Did you know that before Europeans arrived, there was never any baseball-sized hail in America. he asked me. Really. Why's that. I answered, thinking that there was some interesting meteorological explanation forthcoming. Well, there were no baseballs around to compare hailstones to","Damn it, Pop" +"Never get a tuxedo made out of playing cards","It'll never suit you" +"What do you call a man with no shins","Tony" +"I bought my dog spectacles","I wanted to get him contact lenses but they carry a high risk of cat-aracts" +"TIL the square root of Pai","is money" +"What was the grain truckers favorite band","Haulin' oats" +"What kind of debt does a paraplegic have","Crippling" +"I went to the paint store to get thinner","It didn't help." +"Son: Thank you for helping me understand hedonism","Me: It's my pleasure" +"Deciding what to do for Mom's 50th birthday Me: Mom, are we going anywhere for your 50th since its the big one. Mom: hmm havent really thought about. Dad: Hawaii Me: ah, why Hawaii","Dad: Because it'll be Hawaii five-0" +"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom","The p is silent ^^^^Source: ^^^^Stolen ^^^^from ^^^^someone ^^^^on ^^^^the ^^^^internet" +"I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island","but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian" +"Can February March","No, but April May" +"My boyfriend revealed the source of his recent dad joke spree he's been telling me all week. http://niceonedad","com/" +"Why should you never play games with big cats","Because they're lion cheetahs" +"I've always wondered what mothballs smelled like. But","I could never get their tiny little legs apart" +"I am terrified of elevators","I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them" +"Where do you learn to make ice cream","At sundae school" +"A tree fell down in park today","I saw it!" +"I went to a football game played by eels","The atmosphere was electric" +"Every time I get a haircut Dad: Only one","What about the rest of them" +"London gangsters be Kray-Kray","Possibly only for the Brits, this one" +"Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life","Life would be pretty shitty without it" +"What does a vegan zombie eat","GRRAAAAAIIIINS" +"Make sure your Viagra is made in the USA","you don't want Russia meddling in your erection" +"I had an appointment with the orthodontist They were taking a mould of my teeth so that they can put braces on them. They assured me that they would only have to take the mould once, since they got a good impression the first time round, so I said, 'That's odd","I don't normally make a good first impression" +"What happened to the Vietnamese man after he spilled tea all over himself","He got a little Hanoi'd" +"A video game company tried to figure out a new way to fix their graphics","But it was rendered useless." +"Dad: “Hey, do you have a bookworth. ” Son: “What’s a bookworth","” Dad: “Depends whether it’s hard cover or paperback" +"Have you met the handsome audio engineer. He's actually a pretty sound guy. Too bad he got fired, though","Turns out he couldn't handle feedback" +"What is a judges and lawyers favorite jewelry","Courts" +"My GF one upped me at dad jokes. So my girlfriend and i were texting each other and came up with this beaut: GF: Make me some cake Me: Maybe i can email some cake GF: It has to be less than a","byte Me: dammit" +"I drove a truck for 30 years. I’m now SEMI-retired","Courtesy of a contestant on Wheel of Fortune" +"I went to the paint store to get thinner","It didn't work." +"In an Asian Market, I was walking with my girlfriend, scanning the aisles and she commented on how there was so much curry in one area","Seizing an opportunity, I promptly told her that somebody got curried away" +"A Priest, a Rabbi and a Minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and asks: Wait a minute","Is this some kind of joke" +"I have a confession to make, I have illegitimate twin sons in Mexico. One is named Jose, and the other is named","Hose B" +"Who takes care of saunas","Humid Resources" +"The guy who stole my diary just died","My thoughts are with his family" +"I have a rare condition that prevents me from putting on foundation, mascara, eyeliner, etc","No really, you can’t make this up" +"I burned 2000 calories today","I left my food in the oven for too long." +"A waitress comes around to our table. Waitress - Hey folks, how are the mozzarella sticks. Mom - They are great thanks. Waitress - Awesome, you guys want some entrees","Dad - No, on plates is fine *Gives son high-five*" +"Doled out a Dad joke whilst at work in a hotel kitchen. I'm a kitchen hand, and we take these big containers the chefs fill with dirty pans etc to clean the contents. These containers are called warwicks (pronounced ** WORRICK **). I took one of these warwicks, and the chef next to me thanked me. As a response to his thank you, I just said hey mate, no warwicks","Chef turned to look at me in disappointment, and almost dropped a pan of garlic prawns" +"Looking for a rush. Try camping","It's in tents" +"Joked a girl I was talking to last night. I was teasing her about how short she was and she says I know I hate it. I have really bad genes from my grandma","Do they at least fit well" +"Before my grandfather died, he was having medical issues in the hospital and suddenly needed a blood transfusion. We kept asking him what his blood type was, and he just kept saying “Be positive. Be positive","It’s just so hard to be positive when you’re losing your grandfather 😔" +"Did you hear about the dairy farm with mad cow disease","It was udder chaos" +"Why didn't the professor like the litmus test","It was too basic" +"Why do type-A personalities like to camp","They are already in-tents" +"I got my roommate yesterday . Him: Man, these Star Wars jokes are annoying. Me: You could say they are Phantom Menace. Him: Glares at me","Happy Revenge of the Fifth" +"After cracking a few punny Dad Jokes to my friends, I was floored by my friend's response. Friend 1: You'll be great at Dad Jokes when you become a Dad. Me: That may be a while away. At least it means I'll get laid","Friend 2: You know that's not what kids are for" +"What's the name of Al Gore's cousin, who is super into coding","Al Gorithm" +"My friend's dad proved he was a dad while playing Pathfinder just now. A friend of mine was telling me that I could steal some wooden armour. Without missing a beat, his dad said but that wooden work","Groans ensued" +"So, a guy walks into a pub. Most of you probably won't get this one","It's an inn-joke" +"You know how they make Budweiser","They send him to school" +"I remember the last thing my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket","He said, Hey how far do you think I can kick this bucket" +"You cannot. You cannot taste me, until you undress me. -Banana You cannot eat me unless you lick me. -Ice-cream You cannot play with me unless you blow me. -Balloon You cannot eat me unless you spread me","-Butter" +"Why can't you trust atoms","Cause they make up everything" +"Why are fridges in porn always empty","Because they've been eaten out" +"I just bought a bed I was looking at a couple of options, and I wanted time to think. So I said I want to think it over","To which my dad replied Yeah, it's a good idea to sleep on it" +"Accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles","Not looking forward to my next vowel movement" +"One of my favorite bands must all be Dads","Maybe there'll be a bakery hiring We'll knead a little dough to get by -*Fiji Mermaid* by mewithoutYou in case anyone was wondering" +"What type of pants does super Mario wear","Denim denim denim" +"I slapped Dwayne Johnson in the butt","Now I’ve really hit rock bottom" +"I called my manager. I'm not coming in today, I told him. I've got chickenpox. He said, Don't give me that. I won't","I'm not coming in, I replied" +"Patient: doctor,. I've gone blind. Doctor:. I see. Patient:","I don't" +"A bear walks into a bar and says „Give me a whiskey and. cola. “ Bartender: „Why the big pause. “ Bear: „I‘m not sure","I was born with them" +"What do you call an Asian man who always has correct change","Exact Lee" +"I saw a kid getting bullied by 3 other kids so i decided to step in","He didnt have a chance against the 4 of us" +"GF: I just finished clipping my nails and now I'm filing them","Me: Alphabetically or numerically" +"Did you hear about the 8 that fell over","It took them forever to get back up" +"I went to the pet store to buy a bird. They gave me one with no legs for free","No perches necessary" +"You don’t have to be great to win a Nobel Prize","You just have to be Goodenough" +"Dropped this one at work. Something about birds came up on the news and I pulled this joke out. Man, I think birds are really neat, is that weird. No, why would it be weird. Well, people are always telling me I should live my life without egrets","/cue groans" +"No matter how much pop I drink I’m still so thirsty","I must be soda hydrated" +"I cooked for a friend at my BBQ, and forgot he was a vegetarian. I made a mistake","I made him a steak" +"Dad, did you get a haircut","No, I got them all cut" +"How come you never know when the pterodactyl is using the bathroom","Because the p is silent" +"Due date 3 months and counting. Practice Friend: I want chicken wings. Me: I’ll stick with my human arms","CAN I BE A DAD YET" +"What do you call a vegan-friendly jacket","A Peta Parka Heard this one from my dad at the dinner table this evening" +"My mom told me to put a shirt on a hanger Hanger","What was her crime" +"I'm so proud. My son has pulled off his first Dad joke. It was so wonderful, it brought a tear to the eye. His sister got home from a friend's house when he showed her a package of Turtles he bought for her. Her immediate response was Score","Without missing a beat, he said Actually, those are Turtles I've never been so proud" +"Jimmy Two-Shoes McClarty. Was arrested today for beating a cow to death in a rice field with only two small porcelain objects","Police say this is the first known case of a Knick-Knack Patty-Whack - Colin Mochrie" +"I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day","He was a rather open-minded man if you ask me" +"Texting my sister when autocorrect decided to step in Me: I just go on reddit during my breaks. I find it a good way to pass time on my phone without using heaps of data like tumblr does Sister: That's true. but I mainly just read fanfics Me: I'm trying to not read fabrics bc I have so many books to read Sister: Lol you read fabrics","Me: Nah, reddit has better threads than fabrics" +"Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon","Great food, but no atmosphere" +"It's my cake day, so here's one of my favorite dad jokes Did you hear the joke about the broken pencil","Never mind, it's pointless" +"How did we win against the war against slugs","We used an A-SALT rifle" +"Rush Hour Traffic We were in the car and had mentioned how the last time we drove through Toronto it was during rush hour. Sister: What time does rush hour usually start","Dad: Whenever you put in the DVD and press play" +"How do flowers kiss","With their tulips" +"My priest is a lawyer","He's my father in law" +"Girlfriend just dad-joked me over the phone. She was telling me about what she had been reading in the newspaper today when she dropped this one on me. GF: Did you hear about the guy that got hit in the head with a can of pop. Me: No. Gf: Luckily it was a pretty soft drink","ba dum tis" +"Everyone: Nothing rhymes with orange Me: False","Nothing and orange does not rhyme" +"I always wanted to be a superhero. But. I don’t know if","I have the cape ability." +"My son doesn't call me anymore","He calls me 'Dad'" +"I'm a pretty good person. This picture says otherwise: https://i. imgur. com/Gbwfdzu","jpg" +"Hey, dad, did you get a haircut","No, I got them all cut" +"Full Beaver We're on a road trip and my mom, a biologist, says that the moon tonight is a Full Beaver which used to mean that it was the last night to set beaver traps before the swamp freezes over","My dad replies: Wow, the last time I saw a full beaver was when that girl at the concert had a wardrobe malfunction" +"[NSFW] What do you call a bunch of I. people having sex","A 4G" +"So, your cat lost one of his lives","I guess now he's an octo-puss" +"My Dad Regarding Seedless Watermelons Dad: Back when I was a kid they had watermelons that only had seeds on one side. Me: [inquisitive stare] Dad: The inside","Me: [groan]" +"How do you drown a Hipster","Throw him into the mainstream" +"Why are mountains so funny","They’re hill areas" +"What's a skull's favorite song to sing","I ain't got no body" +"Some people are like Slinkies","Not all that useful but fun to push down the stairs" +"What does a nosey pepper do","Get jalapeño business" +"Man, when you have a bladder infection","Urine trouble" +"I have sycic powers","For example, a second ago, you thought, “The dude doesn’t know how to spell psychic" +"My dad made this terrible dad joke the other day. Me: It's probably not good for me to play soccer with a stuffed nose","Dad: no it's snot" +"What species of fish has hair","Hairing" +"Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet. They checked the the reviews","only one star" +"What do you call a judge from a lower court when they go nuts","Judgmental" +"Rick. Astley will let you borrow any of his. Disney. Pixar. DVDs","Except one..." +"Did yall hear about Arnold Swartzeneger's new movie about a famous composer","He said that he'd be Bach" +"There is this pretty big country next to Germany and Switzerland nobody really wants to talk about","It was Austria-sized" +"Dad and I grabbing sandwiches for lunch. I'm getting the Wreck sandwich from Potbelly's. Extra delicious. Sandwich maker: Oops. (Reaches over to the toaster to catch the melted cheese sliding off the sandwich. Dad: Great catch. Potential disaster there. Sandwich maker: Thanks. Could have been A Wreck. Best. Sandwich maker","Ever" +"If there's a stairway to heaven","is there a hellevator" +"After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop functioning. Your pupils","They dilate" +"I bought a U2 GPS and it’s garbage","The streets have no name and I still haven’t found what I’m looking for" +"Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road. It got stuck in a crack","(my 10 year old claims to have made this one up)" +"Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar","They each got six months" +"So, how many apples grow on a tree","All of them" +"What. Does. A. Female. Snake. Use. For. Support. A","Co-bra" +"My wife asked me, “Why do you always text in lower case","” I said, “i decided to stop giving a shift" +"I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tyre and then roll me down a hill","They were Goodyears" +"I still don’t understand why people say marriage is so hard","I’ve successfully completed two of them" +"Why did the tomato blush","because he saw the SALAD dressing" +"How does the Pope pay for things","Pā-pal" +"I do this every time. I'm on a road trip with my family. As. I pass a truck carrying horse food,. I point to it and yell HAY . My whole family, slightly startled, looks around, at what","I'm so excited about, then realize, and in unison roll their eyes and groan" +"A farmer decides to sell his home and shows a potential buyer around- there's only 1 downside it's an old farm and all we have is an outhouse the buyer says oh, well thats fine- is there a lock","The farmer says Sir, I've lived hear near on 60 years and all that time no one has ever tried to steal a bucket of shit" +"Do you want to know something about rocks","Of quartz you do" +"What do abusive parents wear","Beats me" +"What's the best condition to die from","Hypothermia, it's the coolest" +"I told my wife it's funny that I can't beat my friend in a certain card game, but win against him every time in the online version","I guess when I'm using a mouse something just clicks" +"dad songs So I just sang my wife the chorus from boots are made for walking but I changed it a little. It goes like this: ♪Those hips are made for birthin', and that's just what they'll do. One of these days next week they'll push a baby out of you. ♪ She wasn't very excited","Talk about a tough critic" +"Every time we cross train tracks, I tell my kids. “Hey, a train just went by. ” “How do you know daddy","” “Because its tracks are still here" +"Farmer has 16 cows","When he rounds them up he has 20." +"A monkey was arrested today when he started throwing feces at zoo employees","Three of the zoo employees were rushed to hospital with turd debris burns" +"Wife tried to get me Wife says she heard a great joke on the elevator. Oh really. Yeah, it worked on so many levels , followed by her laughing that she finally got me. I gave her the customary groan that she wanted, and replied Good one, you're going to make such a good dad some day","I got the last groan" +"How do killer whales hunt","With a well orcastrated attack" +"Did you guys hear about the train conductor who went crazy and killed 3 people","Officials say he was driven by a loco-motive" +"She's still mad Her: have you ever had my moms polish mistakes. Me: yeah, you","My girlfriend is polish" +"My grandfather has the heart of a lion","And a life time ban from the zoo" +"What are you reading. A:What are you reading. B:A book about glue. A:Is it good","B:I can't put it down" +"A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter","How dairy" +"What does a annoying pepper do","It gets jalapeno face" +"What does the dad bee say to the son bee when he heads off to school","Bee on your best beehive-ior" +"What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac","One takes things literally and the other takes things, literally" +"Some people are like slinkies","Not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs" +"Why does Nothern Finland have the best summer parties","Because their summer nights are lit" +"A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I've never seen his kind before. So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic. As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, Mmm. That was some good lion meat. The lion screeches to a halt and says, Woah. This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can and then runs away. Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return. So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened. The lion says to the monkey angrily, Get on my back, we'll get him together . So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more. But then he gets another idea and shouts, Where is that monkey","I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago" +"Had me burying my face in my hands. Our car was cramped, and my dad drove. Picked up my friend Claudia. Claudia gets in. Claudia: Hi, Mr. Prof_Dumbledore's dad, I'm Claudia. Dad: I hope you're not Claudia-straphobic","No, dad noooo" +"Someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo trophy","How low can you go" +"What’s a horse’s favorite sport","Stable tennis" +"Did you hear about, Schrödinger, the untouchable quarterback who got fired. He was both sacked and not sacked at the same time","I heard about it, but didn’t see any of it happen" +"How do prisoners communicate in prison","cell phones" +"If your nose runs, and your feet smell You were built upside down","You’re welcome" +"Mom: I don't want seafood. Dad: Me neither. I prefer to eatfood","Mom: Well I'm on a low-crab diet" +"Next time someone is doing a crossword whisper","sevenup is lemonade" +"For my son’s birthday, I got him a copy of “The Lord of the Rings”, but he wasn’t too happy","He thought it was a Tolkien gesture" +"What do you call a baker with codependency issues","Kneady" +"What did the horse say after it tripped","Help I've fallen and I can't giddyup" +"I once had a big phobia of chestnuts but pleased to say","I've recently managed to conker it." +"Roofing jokes get to me","every shingle time" +"Two muffins were sitting in the oven","One of them said; Gee, it's getting really hot in here The other muffin replied; Holy shit, a talking muffin" +"Mitochondria would be a great prison nickname","They'd be the powerhouse of the cell" +"You're funny","But lets stop talking about looks" +"I caught a drug addict fish today","I'm not sure what he was on but he was hooked on something." +"What do gamer girls stuff down their bras","D-Pads" +"How do you clean a monopoly board","Waterworks" +"50 per slice in Jamaica and $4","00 per slice in The Bahamas are the pie rates of the Caribbean" +"What kind of snakes do Germans love in the rain","Vindshield Vipers" +"Overheard at Epcot: In the Germany section of Epcot, the guy in front of me orders a beer","Cashier says nine dollars please , guy: woah, free beer" +"Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was","It was a brief case" +"Wife had an owl necklace on and got me >Me: That necklace suits you because you're so wise. >Wife: It suits me because I'm a hoot. *groans*","So good it hurts" +"I live in a hilly area","It all goes downhill from there" +"I’m goinng too dnate bloodd todayy. Myy bloodd iss. Type","O." +"I was worried about the price of bread in. India. But then","I realized it's a naan issue." +"What happened to the thief who stole a calendar","He got twelve months" +"XNETO","Sorry, that probably doesn't make any sense when taken out of context." +"I had to stop doing business with a suspicious window installation company","They just weren't transparent enough" +"I met a man called |-5kg|","He was an absolute unit" +"Why do baseball players shout","Because they’re ALL IN CAPS" +"My boyfriend is a math teacher. He would turn the AC down in his classroom and if a kid complained they were cold he'd tell them to stand in the corner. The kid would reply. Why","His answer, It's 90 degrees" +"So my girlfriend won't stop laughing at. Tupperware","Honestly she just can't container self" +"You're gonna go study abroad","What's her name" +"Is that intentional. This happened today while cooking cookies, it got a bit hectic and things got misplaced. Why is there a knife in the fridge","For cold cuts" +"A Scottish man died under suspicious circumstances the other day","Some say he was kilt" +"What do you get when the sunrise bends over","The crack of dawn" +"Wanna know why I use a camo print dildo","So they'll never see me cumming" +"My dad out this above our sink when we were supposed to put our dishes in the dishwasher. Not sure if links are allowed or not. This is a self post, so no karma. http://i. imgur. com/N8G5QaI","jpg" +"Feel free to park in the driveway when you arrive (not before tee hee 😂)","Actual email from my dad from last weekend, including emoji." +"What do elfs learn when they go to school","The elf-abet" +"Driving with my family in a rural area. we stopped an an intersection. A big rig fully laden with hay bales approached from opposite direction. The driver made eye contact with me so I waved and yelled, Hey","The kids tried to melt into their seats" +"Dadjoked by my lacrosse coach. Doing drills where we had to catch over our left shoulder, I made the catch but said This doesn't feel right. Coach responds with That's because it's in your left hand","GG Coach G" +"Since the. US has a shortage of coins","Does that mean we have a lack of common cents?" +"Julius. Caesar. But","Julius is too shy to talk to her" +"My dad told this one to a bunch of tourists: So for some background, my dad's a tour guide in the UK and he was showing a group round Hampton Court Palace and in the gardens there's this [maze](https://www. google. uk/maps/place/51%C2%B024'23. 4%22N+0%C2%B020'15. 3%22W/@51. 4063299,-0. 3376416,190m/data=. 3m1. 1e3. 4m2. 3m1. 1s0x0:0x0). This is the text he just sent me: >Dad joke at Hampton Court Maze - I have fine memories of Hampton Court Maze. I used to bring my children here","If you see them could you send them home" +"What do you call the Eskimos’ signature wrestling move","The Arctic Choke" +"What did the ruler say to the pencil","Let me get this straight" +"My friend David lost his ID","Now I call him Dav" +"They say diarrhea is hereditary","because it runs in your *jeans*" +"Pun enters a room, kills 10 people","Pun in, ten dead" +"There are many shows of flat-earthers trying to find the edge of the world","They'll be so disappointed when they realise that not of them end on cliff hangers" +"My wife was madly tapping at her phone, looks up in frustration, and says My sound isn't working","To which I reply I can hear you just fine" +"That test on wind was so easy","It was a breeze." +"How do Vampires like their Coffee","De-Coffin-ated ;)" +"What did the author say when he finally finished the science fiction novel he had been working on for the past 5 years","It's about time" +"Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon","Great food, but no atmosphere" +"Two sausages sizzling in a pan. Sausage 1: Flipping heck mate, it’s hot in here","Sausage 2: oh my god, a taking sausage" +"Pie vs Cake I'm sitting at work doing things and I get a text from my dad. > What's the area of a circle. Like a good son, I reply back to him. > pi*r^2 Without missing a beat, he sends back. > No. Cake are squared, pie are round","My coworkers looked at be funny after I sighed loudly and chuckled" +"What do you call it when a mother gives birth on a boat","A sea-section" +"Why can’t you smell a dinosaurs farts","Because there ex-stinked" +"why did the man buy 9 racquets","because tennis too many" +"What do you call a mail truck delivering a bill","A fee-mail truck" +"What do you get when you put a bird in jail","Impigeonment" +"My idiot hipster friend started wearing two monocles out in public","I said, “You are making a spectacle of yourself" +"what do you call a sleepwalking nun","a roman catholic" +"Did you hear about the emergency baby delivery in the White House bakery","That kid's American, born in bread" +"What do you call a wagon with no wheels","A dragon" +"What did the pirate say when he turned 80","Eye-matey" +"Guy ahead of me at the coffee shop","Guy to cashier: Question about your monster cookies - are those monsters free-range" +"How do you call an Italian homosexual","With a telephone" +"Why can't Plastic Man lead an orchestra","Because he's a poor conductor" +"What do you call a pirate motorcycle","An ARRLEY Davison This is really bad I’m sorry Xd" +"Your mom and. I watched 6 movies last night back to back. Luckily. I was the one facing the","TV" +"Someone told me a joke about chocolate bars earlier. It wasn't very good thought, so. I just","Snickered" +"Sometimes a dad joke just sits in your hand. http://m. imgur. com/gallery/6SdMTOF","Mini-Soda Vikings, everyone" +"Is my car the leader of the. Soviet. Union. Cause it be","Stalin" +"Dad joked my fiancee this afternoon. Was telling the fiancée how much our copy machine at work sucks. Me: So that's why we call it Bob Marley Fiancée: Why would you call it that","Me: Because it always be jammin' I started laughing hysterically afterwards, and she just stared at me like I belong in a straight jacket" +"It is important to always wear two pairs of pants when golfing","Just in case you get a hole in one" +"One tectonic plate bumps into another","And says: sorry, my fault" +"Dad and Peter the Python context: My dad and I have a baby python named peter, and he's been striking at the glass of the cage when you walk near him. &nbsp; &nbsp; me: Peter is such an asshole, just went to check on him and he went to bite me. &nbsp; &nbsp; dad: Well, I called the vet today about him being mean, turns out he has a reptile-dysfunction","&nbsp; &nbsp; me: **GROANS**" +"I heard there was a seafood sale at the grocery store, so I brought some glowsticks","I wanted to be ready when the bass dropped" +"What do you call something that disappears quickly, without justice","Net neutrality" +"What do you call a dog in the summer","A hot dog, and in the winter it's a chili dog" +"What do you call a 17 y/o that stops aging","Constantine" +"Homosexuals in Japan Dad: Did you know that there's a higher percentage of gay men in Japan than in the United States","Me: No I didn't Dad: Yea they can't help it if every blow-job's a bro-job Me: *intense look of disappointment*" +"So these three dudes was talking about Murphy's Law. Their names where Jerry, Bryon, and Cole. Jerry: You know what's Muphry's Law right. What can happen will happen. Jerry: You know what Cole's Law is. Bryon: Wait what's that. Jerry: Thinly Sliced Cabbage","Shoutout to /r/Squaredcirlce" +"What do you call a man with a rubber toe","Roberto" +"Daughter Gets Dad-Joked at Sam's Club So I'm strolling through Sam's Club and there is a 40+ year old woman walking around saying Dad. (looking for her elderly Father). There's no response, so she's getting louder DAD. Still no response and getting louder with more concern. Finally, after she gets very loud and says Dad. Dad responds saying What. She then asks worriedly Where are you","Dad says: At Sam's Club" +"A man has taken an airline to court over mishandled luggage","Unfortunately the man lost his case" +"I'm looking to sell my Delorean. It’s in Great condition, low mileage","Only driven from time to time" +"How does Moses make coffee","Hebrews it" +"My daughter and I can no longer take pictures with our phones for comedy reasons Not a joke. A true story. My daughter asked me to take a photo of her because her hair was on point . So I held the phone up and took half a dozen pictures as she posed. Hilariously I had the camera pointing at me so she got my face looking serious. We laughed, started again, took some more pictures and obviously I did exactly the same thing. Comedy gold. Of course now both of us are doing it every time we take a picture of anything with our phones. It's a downward spiral neither of us is prepared to break","I'm concerned I'm going to miss important moments in the lives of my as yet unborn grandchildren" +"So my wife came back from the grocery store with the wrong type of cheese, “I’m sorry” she said to which I replied, “It’s all Gouda","” I slept on the floor that night" +"What do ducks smoke","Quack" +"What do you call an aeroplane driven by a lady named Karen","A complane" +"TSA made the woman in front of me throw out her sushi. I commended them on their valiant efforts to stop a potential SUSHIcide bomber. Turns out they don't like jokes about that",":(" +"Adding to the grocery list. *writes '999 Island' on the grocery list* Wife: What is this","Me: Just get the closest thing you can find" +"What's an Alpaca's favorite type of music","Alpacappella" +"What did the clock do when he was hungry","He went back four seconds" +"How much does a pirate charge for corn","A buck an ear" +"A fresh dad classic. People from. Dubai don't like the. Flintstones, but the people of. Abu","Dhabi do" +"What money do kids in Thailand get. Phuket money. P",": Got an eye roll and a groan from the wife so I've already got a win" +"My hair made me really sick today I mean I think it did","I had a bit of a coif all day" +"I have a recurring dream where all of my sausage gets stolen","It's my wurst nightmare" +"My sister was searching for a certain lipstick color. The color in question was divine wine","Dad: Doesn't all wine come from da vine" +"Why couldn’t the fungus go to the party","There wasn’t mushroom" +"I ate some week-old. Middle. Eastern food now","I falafel" +"Dad's beard Im 24 years old and ever since I can remember my dad has been clean shaven, and he's been growing his beard out recently. ME:why don't you shave. It's always been clean shaven since I was born. DAD:there was no hair when I was born either. Mom rolls eyes and leaves the room","He snickers" +"Playing Cards Against Humanity I lost my shit at the black people card","*laughing and pause* Has anyone found it" +"Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate","They're both cauldron" +"Bear Grylls So, Bear Grylls was brought up in a conversation during Thanksgiving dinner. My dad decides to chime in, saying I prefer my Grylls painted","Just let that one sink in" +"My wife says. I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid. Joke's on her,. I can stop whenever","I like" +"My wife had 2 kayak paddles and asked me which one I wanted","I said either/oar" +"My wife told me she misses me when I'm gone","I told her I've never been somewhere without me, but I'm sure it's absolutely terrible" +"I walked in on my wife having sex with our accountant","I said “ this doesn’t add up” He said “it does in my book” She said “ I’m sorry honey but you don’t depreciate me anymore”" +"I want to start an e-book club for elderly people","I’ll call it Nooks and Grannies" +"I was reading a book on anti gravity","I couldn't put it down" +"I dadjoked my dad last night Last night we were celebrating my mom's birthday, and as we talked while playing loteria, my dad was speaking about someone and how nice he was and said Es que tiene la sangre liviana , so I repplied how do you know. have you weighed it. Weirdly, everybody (except my dad) started laughing","Reference: Tiene la sangre liviana literally means He/she has light (weight) blood , figuratively means he/she's easy going" +"As the cop knocked on my door, I just stayed in complete silence. He then knocked again. Determined not to give myself away, I just stayed still. Cop: Do you think I am stupid . I can see you through the window. Mee: You are not coming in. Cop: I don't want to come in","I want you to step out of your car" +"Dublin Dad Joke takes the (biscuit) cake [One Dad Joke to rule them all. ](https://amp. independent. ie/entertainment/banter/could-this-be-the-best-dad-joke-ever-irish-mans-quip-takes-the-world-by-storm-36791252","html)" +"Okay. Here's the thing. https://s-media-cache-ak0. pinimg. com/originals/f0/d6/f5/f0d6f51a48367bdf9cee055b467879df","jpg" +"Why should you wear protection even during phone sex","So you don't get hearing aids" +"What did the dentist ask his tinder match to send him","A tooth pic" +"I didn't get the job as a tuxedo model. They said","I was unsuitable." +"My dad got us with this one tonight. We got pizza and my mom cut up fresh thyme for the pizza","We opened it and it already had thyme on it, so my dad goes well now you can get overtime" +"My daughter told me they will be making clocks at school tomorrow","I told her it's about time." +"How many bones are in a human hand","A handful" +"How do you think the unthinkable","An ithberg" +"Got my friend while fishing My friend said there was a bunch of fish on the depth sounder so I told him to slow down the boat","When he asked why I said it's a school zone" +"My wife isn't hungry anymore. About to throw some meat on the grill and said I'm so glad we're married. She asked me why, and I replied, so this won't be a miss-steak. I think I'm eating alone tonight. UPDATE: she decided to meat me at the table, grill me about my sense of humor and wine about how I wasn't funny","At least my daughter likes my puns" +"How do you make a bathroom sink","Drop it into the ocean" +"Today I found out how they weigh millenials","In Instagrams" +"Two birds are sitting on a perch","One turns to the other and says, Do you smell fish" +"I found out I was color blind today","The news came right out of the purple" +"Why don’t the Golden Globe awards go to real people","Because all the winners are paid actors" +"The guilloutine is apparently a relatively painless method of execution","Heads will roll if word of this gets around" +"Breaking news in. Wisconsin, farmers are no longer legally allowed to roll bales of hay","Apparently the cows weren't getting a square meal" +"Me, dying on the ground: Call me an ambulance","Dad: You're an ambulance" +"How do you tell the difference between boy and girl chromosomes","Pull down their genes" +"What happened to the constipated mathematician","He worked it out with a pencil" +"My son asked Can I have a book mark","Its been 10 years and he still doesnt know my name is Brian" +"My girlfriend really likes soccer and gives me Head after every match","She's a keeper" +"When your foot falls asleep","You have coma toes" +"I just landed a job drilling holes for water It's well boring","Credit - Leo Kearse" +"Need a ship that can hold two of every animal","I Noah guy" +"What do you call a Russian special forces soldier with a low IQ","Spetspaz" +"I call my kettle Jim Carey","Because he brews-all-my-tea" +"Dad joked my teenage son this afternoon Driving down the highway, when I saw a car carrying a bicycle on a bike rack. The bike was missing its front wheel. Me: Glad to see that bike is well rested. Son: What do you mean. Me: It's not two tired","I grinned all the way home, while he just kept rolling his eyes, pretending it wasn't funny" +"I stole a lawyer’s underwear right before court","There’s no way he’ll succeed without his legal briefs" +"What did the bald man say to his comb","We’ll never part again" +"My brother ordered haystack onions at a restaurant","Dad: You should tell the waitress you found a needle in those" +"Did you know that Cardi B is related to the Spice Girls","One of her parents is Cardi-mom" +"My boss called me last Saturday and said they were shorthanded and really needed someone to come in","I replied, Sounds like a personnel problem to me" +"What did the paper say after it was ripped in half","“Oh man, I feel tear-able”" +"Help me start my car. https://imgur. com/aAYvD3O I've tried telling it that I don't love it, that it's worthless, that it was a mistake","but it still won't start" +"One from my father-in-law FIL: looks like a train just went past that crossing. Me: How can you tell","FIL: It left tracks" +"How does Moses make coffee","Hebrews it" +"After many years of traveling the globe, an explorer was recently eaten by cannibals","He died as he lived, a seasoned traveler" +"I wrote a book about the most comfortable ways to sleep in a coffin","They wouldn't publish it though, the publisher said that the intended audience was a dead market" +"Real life dad joke. Yesterday I was cooking a stir fry and added some diced carrots ‘for carrot-ness’, I said. My daughter who was helping, added some peas, ‘for pea-ness’ she said","Then fled laughing" +"My friend's bakery burned down last night","Now all his inventory is toast" +"What do you call a pile of cats","A meowntain" +"What do the police do with a criminal pastry chef","Bake them into custardy" +"The first time I met my girlfriend's dad, I stepped on his foot. He responded, it's okay - I only use the bottoms","I think I'm going to like this guy" +"How does a psychic like her steak","Medium" +"Why did the French chef kill himself","He lost his huile d’olive" +"What did the cheese say when he melted","Okay, so" +"Was talking with my kids about suicide told them it's the last thing I would do","they didn't get it and where pretty confused I was laughing at such a serious subject" +"In a field there are 30 wolves and 28 chickens. How many didn’t. 10 wolves didn’t","(Please tell me you guys got it)" +"Overheard my dad discussing the olympics. 'I watched the ladies beach volleyball last night, there was a really bad wrist injury'","'But the doctor said I will be ok in a week' It would have been better if he didn't spend the next five minutes giggling to himself" +"Doubly Dadjoked Dad: It's so cold out here. We should get into the sun. Son: It might be a little hot inside the sun. Dad: Hey, is that a sonjoke. *both say hey","rather loudly several times*" +"Test time As a teacher my students often ask, How long is the test I hold my hands about 12 inches apart and say about this long","Can I join the club" +"What kind of truck does a dead person drive","A Big Rigamortis" +"What do you call a guy with a rubber toe","Roberto" +"My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes","It doesn’t make any scents" +"What do you call a table whose design can be changed at anytime","Editable" +"I locked my keys in the car. So I took off my pants, rolled them up and rubbed them on the car door. The car unlocked","I'm so glad I was wearing my khaki trousers" +"I saw a guy pouring soy sauce on another guy laying on the ground, so. I punched him. It's not right to","Kikkoman when he's down" +"My son dad joked me. I'm so proud. Son: Dad, what are birds saying when they chirp. Me: Well that one just asked his friend if he wanted to go for a burger. Son: Don't you mean a Birdger","lol I was so proud" +"I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon","I'll let you know" +"Got my wife today. Her: Magazines are actually cheap. You can get ten issues for $10. Me: Wow that is cheap","I actually need a new pair of tennis shoes" +"I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet","I don’t know Y" +"A politician walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter walks over and asks for the order. The politician says what they would like, before adding, But when it's ready, just give me a shout and I'll bring it to my table. Bring it to your table. replies the staggered waiter. But that is my job","Yes, because I'm only interested in serving myself" +"My favorite so far. (Long) So this group of Irish monks needs to make payments on their belfry, and they've begun to run out of money, so after racking their brains for a few nights, and trying everything they could to get some cash together, they decide to sell flowers to make money. For weeks they sell flowers, and it's going well. Too well in fact, they've begun to run the local florist, Patty O'Flannigan out of town. Well, a bit cheesed at the monks jumping in on his territory, he decides to confront them. He asks them to step off, politely, but they simply respond that, That's no way to talk to men of God. , and throw him out of their monastery. For weeks this goes on, the monks selling flowers, and the florist getting more and more desperate to make them stop. Finally, he goes to Hugh Mactaggart, the biggest, baddest man in town -- he could get anyone to leave town -- so Patty decides he's the best way to get rid of the monks, gives him the rest of the money, and retires to bed, wary of the results. In the morning, a knock on his door reveals Mactaggart, offering a firm handshake and saying, They shant be botherin' ya again Patty","The moral of the story is, Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars" +"So we met a grizzly with no teeth","His name was a gummy bear" +"I had a dream last night. My ex-girlfriend just posted a joke her dad told her","I had a dream last night I was a muffler, I woke up exhausted" +"Which program do Jedi use to open PDF files","Adobe Wan Kenobi" +"What's an officer's favorite part of a signed confession","The criminal has to write their wrongs" +"A patient was admitted to the ICU last night. The patient's neurological status was terrible last night when she came in. By morning, she looked much better and was able to communicate with us. While rounding on our patients, the attending asked the resident if the patient looked that much different the night before. Oh yeah, it was like night and day","Well I know it was night and day, but what about the patient" +"I like the way the Earth rotates","It makes my day" +"Neuroanatomy professor dad jokes the class He was lecturing on the cranial nerves, which do pretty much everything for the head. They control all 5 senses and motor output as well as some other non relevant stuff. Professor: So class does everyone remember what the senses are. Class: touch/pain, sight, hearing/equilibrium, smell, taste. Professor: Does anyone know what the sixth sense is. Class: (thinking hes serious) Guess random shit like magnetoreception. Professor: The sixth sense is the ability to see dead people","Class: combination of groans and laughter" +"Look, he’s sleep running","Man, he sure is fast asleep" +"What's kind of surgeon receives the most awards. Dentists","They receive a new kind of plaque almost every day" +"Why do we need to keep a close eye on the Russians this winter games","Because we don't want to the Russians to medal with the Olympics" +"Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands. The same thing applies with the Virgin Islands","There are no canaries there either" +"God DadJoked by the librarian Me: Hey, random question - where's the nearest ATM","Librarian: Random answer - fish" +"I spent all night trying come up with a dad joke","When suddenly it dawned on me" +"How long do you think it would take to walk across the entire US, coast to coast. - Oh, wow. I don't really know, maybe a year","- No son, May be a month" +"Did you hear about the show that got cancelled after the pilot episode","I guess it never took off" +"This is one from one of my preschoolers: Why did the cookie go to the doctor","Because he was feeling crumby" +"My girlfriend said that when we get married, she's going to take my name","Though, personally I think it'll be a bit odd if we're both called Steve" +"These friars were behind on their belfry payments. so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop","Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars" +"Why are there no cars in Minecraft","Because the streets are blocked off" +"Gf: this is my dad, Howard Me: nice to meet you. Howard you doing","Howard: is this the one" +"My neighbour named his network Dyson . His","WiFi sucks" +"Who can drink 5 litres of petrol and not get sick","Jerry can" +"Have you heard about these new corduroy pillows","They're making headlines" +"I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor the first day I was hired","Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me" +"A lot of people tell me when they drink coffee they can't sleep…. I have the same problem, but the other way around…when. I sleep","I can't drink coffee." +"I couldn't get a reservation at the library","they were fully booked" +"A baby was born with only a head. On Christmas eve the baby wishes for arms, and come Christmas morning it had them. A miracle. The next night the baby makes another wish. Not to be ungrateful it asks But I would love a pair of legs . And sure enough, the baby woke up with them. The baby was so happy. It ran outside, played around. And got hit by a car","The moral of the story is: Quit while you're a-head" +"What do you call a skinny man with sunglasses","Slim Shady" +"A nun is having a bath when she hears a knock of the door. She says who is it. It's the blind man comes the response. Ok, thinks the nun. Come in then","In walks the man; nice tits, now where do you want this blind" +"What happened to Cinderella when she got to the ball","She choked" +"My buddy said he doesn't know what cloning is","That makes two of us." +"Mountains aren't just funny","They're hill areas" +"Why did the poop cross the road","It was his duty" +"What do you call a bunch of Asians getting job training","Orientation" +"My mom has been working for 12 years at this job. I ask if she's tenured","She said, No, I'm twelve-ured" +"What do you call a snobbish criminal going down a flight of stairs","A condescending con descending" +"There was an invention of ear jewellery that resembled the number 3","It was pioneering" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping down the road","It's ok - he woke up" +"My dog Minton ate one of my shuttlecocks the other day","Bad Minton" +"Got dad joked by my GF. I amso proud. In our apartment complex they are remodeling the stairway. They have been trying to put up this dry wall but keep taking it down due to the poor cuts. However, one day I came home to discover the wall successfully installed. Texted my GF and the following happened. Me: Hey they finally finished the stairs. Her: I guess they are really stepping up their game. I am so proud of her","She will make a great dad" +"I tried to view the solar eclipse by looking at it through a colander. But","I ended up straining my eyes" +"Have you visited conjunctivitis. com","It's a site for sore eyes" +"What kind of ice cream do drunk drivers like","Soft swerve" +"Whenever someone comes up to me and says, “Random question for ya","” I always reply, “Pineapple" +"A joke everyone can relate to","Your mom" +"Dad joked by a friend. So at school. I mumbled to myself I need to pee . I must've said it a little too loudly because my friend said sorry, all. I have are","Q's" +"The. Sound of. Dad. Jokes. Me - Sooo . Dad - Needle pulling thread","Thats when we typically break into song." +"My girlfriend is kind of like a ninja attack","They're two things I'll never see coming" +"Whoever invented knock knock jokes. Should get a. Nobel","Prize" +"My nephew was cleaning the garage and asked me if he could throw out an old rail. I'm out of town and he's helping clean out our garage. He found my skate rail and asked if we should keep it or not. Nephew: Do you still skateboard. Me: No","I only skate fun" +"Why do they call the middle ages the dark ages","Because there were so many Knights" +"My dad told me a dad joke today that was only funny due to sleep deprivation. Having a terrible night's sleep last night, I put on my pyjamas early. I noticed I had not one, two, or even three but *four* holes in my shirt. It's an old shirt, but still. Needing to share this baffling news, I tell my dad - Me: There are holes in my shirt. Four holes. Dad: My shirt does too. One for my neck, two for my arms, and one for my body. So I guess my shirt *actually has 8 holes*. I laughed a long time at this","Too long" +"A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him","He suffered from turd debris burns" +"There's a guy I work with who lost all his teeth and refuses to stop talking. I asked him today why don't you ever shut up","He responded I find it hard to bite my tongue" +"dad level 9000 http://imgur","com/gallery/wYk51" +"I never really minded those human centipede movies","They were pretty tongue in cheek" +"So I keep a file on my desktop purely to track my expenditure on chocolate covered toffee","Take your time, you will get it" +"During an episode of Law & Order, the victim was killed with a musicalian's bow stick","I turned to my wife an exclaimed: I didn't know they had a specific division to investigate violin crimes" +"Did you hear about the decimation of the puns","One pun in ten dead" +"My daughter was playing dress up and asked if I knew were any hats were I said, Not off the top of my head","Ba dum tss" +"I can’t help but find myself in the HOV lane while going the the underpass","I must have carpool-tunnels syndrome" +"Dad. did you just take a poop","I didn't take one, I left one" +"Dad, I need to tell you something. dad: . 🎩 . 👂 . 👂 👂 👂 👂. 👂 . 👂 . 👂. 👂 . 👂 👂","👂 👟" +"My dad and I drove passed a garage sale. Me: Hey, look. A garage sale","My dad: Sorry, we can't fit a garage in the car" +"What. Did the. Pirate. Say on. His 80th. Birthday. AYE","MATEY" +"Why is toilet paper more powerful than the USS Enterprise","Because it can circle **Ur anus** and wipe out **kling ons**" +"Do you have a match. I'm gonna make you go through the story before the payoff. My mom asked me, Do you have a match. and then answered herself, Yeah, your breath and my feet. I looked at her quizzically and she explained that my dad used to say that when they were dating - either that or Not since Superman. He used to say that there were no new jokes, just new audiences. So when my dad walks in, my mom asks him if he has a match. What does he say. Not since Superman. As Mom and I are cracking up, he says, Well, I could have said 'your breath and my feet. ' Mom tells him that she was telling me about how he used to say that to her, and what does he say. Well, you know, there are no new jokes. Just new audiences. My dad's jokes are like a stopped clock","Infuriating, but at least you can count on them to never change" +"What do you call an asthmatic vampire","Vlad The Inhaler" +"What do you call a Teacher who does not fart in public","A Private Tutor" +"Dad joked by the wife. I was pushing my son in his stroller through the mall and was doing wheelies to get him to laugh when my wife told me to cut it out. I said What the matter. I'm just popping a wheelie. to which she responded If you don't cut it out I am going to pop you wheelie hard.","groan" +"What is the loudest pet you can get","A trumpet" +"My son tied his first tie today","I looked at him and told him Knot bad son" +"I’m so poor, I can’t go see the world. The best that I can do","is visiting Amazon while on Safari" +"Parallel lines have so much in common","It’s a shame they’ll never meet" +"Cat-tastrophe While petting my cat, she placed her paw over my arm, threatening to unsheathe the razor-sharp claws into my forearm. I turn to my dad. Dad, she's holding me hostage with her paw. Looks like she has paw-wer over you. Groans insue","Cat leaves" +"Wife: I'm pregnant","Husband: Hi pregnant, I'm dad Child: *bursts out* You're ready" +"My left thumb doesn’t agree with my right thumb’s political views","He finds them opposable" +"My friend got beaten by his neighbour for playing the drums over and over again","I guess he didn't realise the re-percussions of his actions" +"I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids","I'm a faux pa" +"On a road trip, passing a billboard for a hot dog stand coming up. My wife goes: That's a big wiener . Me: Aw man, did my pants fall down again. Wife glares at me, my kids hang their heads in shame. I couldn't keep myself from laughing own joke","I know it's not clever like most of you guys, but I felt so accomplished" +"What is red and bad for your teeth","A brick" +"So my girlfriend is learning violin. Her I've started learning sheet music Me Why learn sheet music. Why not good music","She proceeded to leave the room groaning Edit: spelling" +"Do you know why I like the earth's rotation","Because it really makes my day" +"I’m not really sure if. I like my new blender","It keeps giving me mixed results" +"My coworker's heels were making loud noises when we were walking up the stairs. Me: are you stomping. Her: no, my shoes are hollow so they make a lot of noise. Me: all shoes are hollow, IT'S HOW WE GET OUR FEET IN","Her: <rolls eyes>" +"A friend and I just watched 2 movies back to back","Luckily I was the one facing the tv" +"Why are mountains funny","Because they're hill areas" +"Cop: you’re under arrest for illegally downloading all of Wikipedia","Me: wait, officer, I can explain everything" +"The cost of caskets are getting so high","I'm dying to see what my funeral costs are" +"Getting some keys cut I took my daughter to get some keys cut at Home Depot. She picked out a pink one and I picked out a super awesome Star Wars key","They cut her key first followed by mine Daddy, the machine is louder cutting your key Well kiddo, that's because Star Wars keys need more Force" +"Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle","It was an ether/oar situation" +"My sister dropped this on me this morning. Me: I washed my hands, promise. (As I hand her a bagel with my bare fingers) Sister: That's ok. bagels can't be choosers","Totally straightfaced that one and walked away" +"There are 7,712,507,903 types of people in the world","And there's you" +"Trying to get to know my new Middle Eastern roommate, he hit me with this one. I say Middle Eastern cuz I honestly forget if he's Iraqi or Iranian. We were getting to know each other, and I asked him to tell me a fable from his country of origin. It went like this: Ali: In (the town he grew up in), there is a tower. A very very tall tower, many stories high, with only stairs. And legend says that if you climb all the way to the very top. (pause) Me: What happens. Ali: *completely straight face* You will get very dizzy. That was it","I thought it was hilarious" +"Dad math joke πr^2 No, pie are round","Cornbread are square" +"A man goes hunting for tigers. After weeks of sweat, blood, and dehydration, he finally makes his kill - a massive tiger. He happily brings the tiger home and decides he wants the head to be mounted. He brings the tiger into a taxidermist and requests that they mount the head so he can hang his trophy from the wall. The taxidermist gives a nod of acknowledgement and says something in a foreign language the man didn’t understand. Regardless, the man relinquished the tiger and headed home. A couple weeks later the taxidermist calls him and says that the job is done. The man heads over to his shop and upon arrival discovers that the taxidermist has mistakenly mounted the tiger’s ass instead of its head. Completely furious, the man shouts “no. This won’t do","This is a cat-ass-trophy" +"I've just watched a T. documentary about beavers","It was the best dam program I've ever seen" +"I once tried to kill a giant mouse with a baseball bat. Now. I have a lifetime ban from","Disney world" +"Why was the locomotive so fit","Because it was always training" +"Could you pass me the salami. no, but I can pass you the salayou","My stepdad at basically every breakfast for 10 years" +"What's the similarity between an android user and a doctor","Both hate Apple" +"Right in front of class a dadjoke appeared. A student asked me what a paradox is. I said to go to a lake and find two docks, that is a paradox","Silence followed" +"A book just fell on my head","I've only got myshelf to blame" +"Just got my wife with this one. Wife: [Talking about Amazon's Prime Photos app] Me: Did I tell you my friend just bought his house off of Amazon's latest app. Wife: No. What's their latest app. Me: Prime Real Estate","Me: [Gets smacked" +"What is a pirates favorite letter","Tis the C" +"What do you call a cow with no legs","Ground beef" +"What does it taste like when you go down on an old lady","Depends" +"My girlfriend threatened to break up with me because of my obsession over the Monkees. I thought she was kidding","And then I saw her face" +"Have you heard of Murphy’s Law. “Have you heard of Murphy’s Law. ” - Yeah it states that anything that CAN go wrong WILL go wrong “Have you heard of Cole’s Law","” - No “It’s thinly sliced cabbage”" +"How do you catch a unique rabbit. Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit","The tame way" +"My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates","I replied, Microwave" +"What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes","A school bus" +"How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb","Just 1, because they are pretty efficient and not very funny" +"just got home and my 3 year old just told me this 1. Knock knock. who's there. Mikey","mikey who Mikey won't fit in the hole" +"Father and son are driving in car when they pass over a set of railroad tracks. Look son, a train has gone by here recently. Son,How can you possibly know that dad. Dad. Look there","you can see it's tracks" +"What kind of bread do zombies like","Multi-Brain" +"My math teacher just lost his mind","He's a touch infinitely irrational" +"The first comment, classic dad I was watching this video about how to unlock safe and the first comment made me laugh. https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=ApJQ2wcYjBo" +"Want to hear a joke about sodium","Na" +"What's a broom's favourite gameshow","Supermarket Sweep" +"When two people have sex it's called a two-some, when three people have sex it's a threesome","Guess that's why my dad calls me handsome." +"Got my gf at church on Christmas She was wearing those Hans Solo boots all the girls wear. Hers are pretty well worn, we were sitting quietly and she pointed out a spot where her foot had got wet","I said oh good, you wore your holey boots I only wish more people heard" +"Irish I could make a joke like this So I'd recently learned what Dublin meant in Irish (Black Pool), and sought to impress my uncle with this new found knowledge. Uncle Billy, do you know what Dublin actually means. Urm. twice as many","Too sharp for me" +"She's got her Mom's nose but. [You can see a little bit of her dad in her eyes. ](http://i. imgur. com/msDwult","jpg)" +"Got my girlfriend today We're in Ireland, and on our way to Dublin (capital city) for a weekend away. On the way there, we pass [Birr Castle]( https://en. wikipedia. org/wiki/Birr_Castle). Me: We're coming up to an Offaly cold castle up ahead. Her: Thats a bad joke. But how is it a cold castle. Me: Because it's the Birr Castle","This was followed by a small groan and much eye rolling" +"What is the heaviest soup in the world","Won Ton Soup" +"What do you call a mexican boy band","Juan Direction" +"“GO TO YOUR ROOM. ” I told my kid. She ran into her room and shored back at me “JUST FYI, JIM MORRISON IS OVERRATED. ” She’s so grounded. I’ve warned her repeatedly about slamming The Doors in this house","Edit: shored= shouted obviously, damn fat fingers" +"When the physics lecture ended, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang. ” He said, “Sorry","No time" +"Did you hear about the truck containing fruits that got flipped on the highway","I heard it created quite a bit of a jam" +"What would you say if you got a nickel for every book you’ve read","I’d say that’s pretty coincidental" +"I think my wife is ready to be a dad. Doc: Yup you are definitely pregnant Wife: You got to be kid-in-me and after the doc (sighs and) leaves, whispers to me","Totally birth it" +"My dad used to say, Marry an orphan","Then you'll be marrying the whole family" +"My girlfriend poked me in the eye the other day","I stopped seeing her for a while" +"Why cant ghosts have kids. Because they have *Hollow","Weenies*" +"A giant fly is attacking the police station. Quick","Call the SWAT team" +"Where do mathematicians hold their annual conventions","Times Square" +"mum came home with pasta My mum was so happy that she got a great bargain on pasta from the shop. So I had to follow up with, yeh you couldnt go pasta deal like that","*insert canned laughter from me*" +"I got drunk while playing scrabble and accidentally swallowed like 8 pieces","My next shit could spell disaster" +"How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb","A Brazilian" +"Today. I met an opera singer, he was one of the most self centred people. I've ever met. It was like everything he said was just Mi. Mi. Mi. Mi","Mi! ..." +"A nude man in trench coat walks up to 3 old ladies in the park and flashes them. 2 of them have a stroke","The 3rd couldn't reach" +"Grandpa pulled this one out today. My brother started to tell my grandpa about his plan to study abroad in Japan for the summer. My grandpa asked Who's the broad","I don't even think he meant it as a joke and just misinterpreted, but I can't stop laughing" +"Being single can be fun Last week a wheel broke off my office chair and I kept it because I'm never one to pass on the chance for prop humor. On Tuesday I got invited out with two of my friends to go grab a drink after work, I was told their girlfriends would be there too. I pocketed my wheel and brought it with me to the bar, after a while when the couples started getting into their own chit chat I silently placed the wheel on the bar. My friend asked me why there was a wheel on the bar and I told him Oh, I'm just solidifying my spot as the fifth wheel","I laughed and then died a little on the inside" +"Typical dinner with Dad Today at dinner: Me: Dad, are there anymore pears left","He looks into the bowl and says: ap**pear**ently The whole table cringed while he laughed at his little joke" +"I like telling dad jokes","Sometimes he laughs" +"Dad Joked me wife at supper tonight. My wife telling the kids a story: we went camping and we were all in tents. Me: Why were you guys so serious","10 y/o daughter rolls eyes and wife groans" +"Dad dropped a monster of a dad joke on me yesterday. Watching tv, and a tv spot for Godzilla comes on. **Me**: That's going to be freaking awesome. **Dad**: Oh yeah. **Me**: Yeah, you know he's(Godzilla) the biggest he's ever been here. **Dad**: No, he was bigger in Japan","He was mighty pleased with himself" +"Did you know the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France. They were cooked in Belgium","Why does everyone think it was Greece" +"Almost got stabbed to bring you this one. My wife was working on a green bean casserole and couldn't find one of the ingredients. Wife: Have you seen the can of fried onions. Me: What does it look like. Wife: White container, red writing. Me [Feigning hopeful tones]: Little red writing. Wife [Relieved]: Yeah. Me: . hood","Wife brandishes knife" +"Snakes and putters So my brother in law goes shopping with his future father in law, and the future father in law (FFIL. ) buys a used putter at a flea market. My wife: why'd he buy a putter. My bro in law: He's having a snake problem. The idea is to get the snakes around the end of the putter. My wife: What are you supposed to do once you have a snake on a putter. Me: Try to put a hole in one","" +"The daddest dad with no kids. Got her twice in a row. My girlfriend and I are in the car talking about how we're planning to move to Japan later this year. She's been doing pottery classes lately and mentions that she'd love to own and operate her own pottery shop. Like in Japan. No, just in general. Wait, where's General. I thought we were going to Japan. She says oh my god and I burst out laughing. After a few seconds, she says, Halfway through, I looked at you to see if you were smiling but you looked totally serious. You are the daddest dad with no kids. That was inspired","Actually, it was in the car" +"As a therapist who helps monsters overcome drug addiction","Vampires are hands down the worse at self-reflection" +"If you are single for 4 years","You should get a bachelor's degree" +"My dad just. Laid this down on my step mom. SM: “I bought some shaved. Parmesan and manchego”. D: “oh good that hairy","Parmesan was no good last time”" +"How do you catch a unique bird. Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame bird. Tame way, unique up on it. (This was actually my Dad's favorite Dad joke","Happy Birthday, Dad" +"Why do vampires enjoy extremely close races","They love it when things are neck and neck" +"I was supposed to meet my girlfriend at the gym but she never showed","I guess were not going to workout" +"Why did the Mexican push two of his three children off a cliff","He only loved Juan" +"You know what I'd say if they made a Back to the Future 4","It's about time" +"Why was the eye doctor called for the comatose gunshot victim","He had a Glock coma" +"I gave my girl friend a pendant with a picture of me inside it","I’m independent." +"What do you call the study of food-based market forces","Econom-nom-nomics" +"I've started a charity that takes change donations to help pay for funerals","I call it Change You Can Bereive In" +"Mom was about to make dinner when Dad saw her get the eggs out of the refrigerator. What are you making. Chicken","That's gonna take a while, isn't it" +"What does the music at a horse rave sound like","Oats oats oats oats" +"What is the loneliest kind of cheese","Prov-alone" +"Son: Can I watch the TV","Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on" +"what do you call it when you put a mattress on hold","lay-away" +"What do you call a muslim living in Texas","A yeehawdist" +"What’s. Waluigi’s favorite dog breed","A chiWAHWAH" +"It must suck having the world's best clown as your dad","You would have such big shoes to fil" +"I went into the pharmacy and asked the assistant, What is the best thing for killing germs. Ammonia cleaner. She replied","I said, Sorry, I thought you worked here" +"My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaaaad. Can't you just be serious for once. Why does everything have to be a game with you. ” I replied, “An excellent question, my dear","But next time, please use the buzzer" +"My wife sent me an article that says men's beards have more germs than dogs. I said of course. There are no dogs in my beard. [https://imgur. com/B7mUpUc](https://imgur","com/B7mUpUc)" +"Thor, riding his mighty war horse, “I am Thor. I am Thor","” Horse: That’s because you don’t have a thaddle, idiot" +"Hey. Did you know that rock and roll can be used as a foundation. We built this city on it","My gf rolled her eyes hard at me for this one" +"My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired. I responded You mean a four-can","She rolled her eyes" +"I'm color blind and the other day I thought I could actually detect purple","but it was just a pigment of my imagination" +"I ate a radioactive taco","There was lots of fallout" +"My coworker said this to a customer Customer: What's the difference between German thyme and regular thyme","Coworker: About 8 hours" +"They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility","If only they could see me now" +"Did you hear about the halfling that got hooked on pipeweed. It's hobbit forming","Over a decade since the Return of the King was released and dad is as topical as ever" +"A Sheep, Drum, and Snake fall off a cliff","Ba Dum Tss" +"A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender asks, What can I get you","Pop , goes the weasel" +"Did you hear that Caitlyn Jenner is starting to put on a lot of weight","Now she identifies as Trans-fat" +"Why do bees have sticky hair","Because they use honey combs" +"My dad keeps telling me trivia about. Alice in. Chains and. Nirvana. He says it's because. Alternative","Facts are all the rage right now." +"Someone stole my IDs","That iot" +"Parallel lines have so much in common","It’s a shame they’ll never meet each other" +"Just ruined my favorite suit I had just gotten dressed in mine and my dads shared hotel room for a conference. When I squatted to pick something up off the ground I heard a loud rip come from between my legs. I immediately knew that I had in fact ripped my pants straight down the crotch. My dad, standing nearby, says Damn son, couldn't have held that in a little longer","I reply with something along the lines of Dad, I didn't fart, I just ripped my pants He in turn tells me Oh, well damn I thought you farted, but in reality you just ripped one" +"Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team","Because she ran away from the Ball" +"I don't always tell dad jokes","But when I do, he doesn't laugh because this gets reposted every day" +"I’ve considered becoming a professional horse groomer","It would be a stable job" +"I broke my finger today","On the other hand I'm ok" +"Did you hear about the young, unmarried woman who never left her home and avoided everyone","Her name is Miss Ann Thrope" +"Got my housemate today. My housemate was talking about her upcoming trip to Puerto Rico and saying that she had to transfer flights in San Juan. But why would you continue after San Juan. What do you mean. You know what they say, when you've San Juan, you've seen 'em all","*Chuckles to self for the next five minutes*" +"What's a flowing water with living organisms called","A livestream" +"I once went on a date with a girl called Simile","I don't know what I metaphor" +"So I just had my first day at my new job at Subway. My boss told me they've never seen someone as bad as me","Oh shit, wrong sub" +"[META](x-post from r/science) The curse of dadjokes. I was amazed to learn that making awful jokes could turn into a disease. I thought this subreddit might be interested. http://www. bbc","com/future/story/20160308-the-curse-of-the-people-who-cant-stop-making-puns Sorry I couldn't think of a sick pun for this post" +"I don’t understand people who preserve four leaf clovers","They’re really pressing their luck" +"At the zoo viewing the lion exhibit, the urge to suddenly sing “the lion sleeps tonight” is just a whim away","A whim away, a whim away, a whim away" +"My instinct comes from the money I spent for college","You could say I paid for that in tuition" +"I made a boomerang out of mosquitoes","That will come back to bite me" +"What is a math teacher's favourite bra","Algebra" +"Why are chemists so terrible at telling Dad jokes","Because all the good ones argon already" +"What do you call someone who sells themselves for a bowl of spaghetti","[NSFW] A pastatute" +"I went to the librarian and I asked if they had the book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat","She said it a rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if they had it or not" +"What game does German bread play during recess","Gluten Tag" +"What is a 2000 pound skeleton called","A skeleTon" +"Never try to annoy someone with bird puns","Because toucan play at that game" +"I took the kids to a bouncy castle, but it was really expensive compared to last year","That’s inflation for you" +"My boss told me to have a nice day","So I went home" +"Two antennas met on a roof. they fell in love and got married","The ceremony wasn't much, But the reception was incredible" +"My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo","So I had to put my foot down" +"What do you call a ballsack that's been chopped off","A sementary" +"What blood type does a proofreader have","Type O" +"Where do fishes keep their money","In the river banks" +"Went to a corn maze today. Was asked to not use bad language","There were tender ears around" +"Why haven't aliens visited our solar system","Because when they checked the review, it had only one star" +"Today I met Bruce Lee's vegetarian brother","Broco Lee" +"I went shopping and saw an attractive woman dressed as Snow White working at one of the stores","She was the fairest of the mall" +"Don't be a fishbowl At a staff meeting, senior guy complains about work output. Exclaims We need you to all stop being like a fishbowl - what we're aiming for here is a-fish-in-sea","*whole room groans* edit: wording brainfart" +"What Do We Want. Low airplane noises. When do we want them","NEEEOOOOOOOWWWWW" +"I'm happy to announce that 2/22/22. Will be on a","Twosday" +"I was a little weirded out when my wife gave me Play-Doh for my birthday","I don’t know what to make of it" +"I saw a man walking through an airport holding a basketball","Must’ve been traveling" +"Not a Dad Joke Wife: Honey I'm pregnant Husband: Hi pregnant I'm dad","Wife: No you're not" +"Like a lot of people, I had a hard time deciding on what to do after finishing school","After some thought, I decided to go home" +"What do you call Jimmy Saville on a bike","[NSFW] An encyclopaedofile" +"What day do chickens fear the most","Friday" +"I’ve developed a chronic fear of giants","It’s called feefifobia" +"kept wondering why the boomerang was getting bigger and bigger","and then it hit me" +"how do you locate Will Smith during a snowstorm","just look for the fresh prints" +"The salesman at the store tried to get me to buy protection for my phone","I thought they made a pretty good case..." +"Someone needs to repost this https://imgur","com/gallery/K2Kt3 Get it" +"Well that took an unexpected turn. Dad: Hey TheMechanicNZ, the dog's licking his balls, Don't you wish you could do that. Me: uh","Dad: give it a biscuit, it might let you" +"My dad got my cousins today He looked at my girl cousin and said You know, if your mom let me name you, you would be called Denise","And I would have called your brother Denephew" +"What do you call a fake koi fish","A dekoi" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When the punchline becomes apparent" +"In a sword fight, what's a Redditor's favorite move","A riposte" +"If money doesn’t grow on trees","Then why do banks have branches" +"What is it called when dishes get sick","A PANdemic" +"Pico De Gallo My SO was making pico de gallo and having me and our housemates try it, she was asking what we thought it needed. more lemon. more lime. tomatoes. cilantro","I got asked what I think I don't know, I'm not really a pico de guy yo" +"When will they learn. Real life transcript from a text message with my daughter. Daughter: Dad do you think you can go get me an earwax removal thing from the drugstore. My one ear is plugged and I think it's from earwax Dad: Sure Daughter: Thanks Dad: Are you in pain. Can you wait a little while. Daughter: I can wait a little bit but it's just annoying because I can only hear out of one ear Dad: What. Daughter: I can't hear out of one ear Dad: Huh. Daughter: I can a little bit but it's really muffled Dad: Can you speak up. Daughter stops responding","When will she learn" +"Thanks dad. Hey dad can you call my phone. I can't find it. PHOOOONEEEE","*groan*" +"Stationary zinger Spouse: I'm out of staples. I didn't realize how often I used my stapler until I ran out. Me: I guess you could say, they're a real staple","Groans were had" +"To whoever took my bi polar meds: I’m so mad I’m gonna come to your house and","give you a hug" +"Dad wishing his daughter a happy birthday on Facebook http://i. imgur. com/1Fm2ojr","jpg" +"What do you call a thief that robs a maple orchard","Syruptitious" +"My wife is having our baby boy right now","He's our crowning achievement" +"A slice of apple pie costs $3. 50 in Jamaica. But costs $3","00 in Cuba These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean" +"So there's this atom that keeps stealing electrons","You better keep an ion him" +"All good days start with a dad joke *laying in my with my girlfriend, phone alarm goes off, hit snooze, we wake up gradually anyways, start milling about the room, snooze goes off* GF: Who's calling. *pick up phone, put it to my ear* Me: Hello, alarm. Yes, this is James","WHY DO YOU ALWAYS CALL ME EVERY MORNING" +"What do you do when you see a Spaceman","You park your car man" +"I snacked on fire ants and now I have heart burn","Guess I should take an antacid" +"Dad explaining why he is half stupid. The other day I witnessed the first ever dad joke to come out of my dad's mouth. He is 66. Conversing about dental work: Dad: They keep telling me to get my wisdom teeth removed. I am 66. Me: Yeah, seems a little late for that. Dad: I never got wisdom teeth on this side, but I have them over here, which is probably why I am half stupid. I laughed immediately","It took the rest of the family a little longer to notice the dad joke" +"What's the longest word in the English language","Smiles , because there's a mile between the first and last letter" +"What do you call it when two Eskimos sit on an igloo too long","Polaroids" +"Why do you heat up shawarma before you eat it","Otherwise, it'd be called Sha-cold-a" +"The peak moment of high school This actually happened, probably close to 20 years ago now. In my high school chemistry class, the teacher asked if anyone knew what nitrates were. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity","I don't know, I replied, but I bet they are better than day rates" +"How many kidneys ya got. Told this one to my daughter a while back. She said 2. I said Nope, you have 4 Then proceeded to poke her in each side one kidney, two kidney and pointed at her knees","3 kid knee, four kid knee" +"Have you ever eaten a clock","Apparently it's very time consuming" +"I bought a festive fruit today","I told the bagger: You butternut squash it" +"New TV I bought a second hand, 50 flat screen TV today for £20","Only problem is the a faulty volume control, but for that price you can't turn it down" +"I don't see why Mariah Carey is getting so much abuse","Every year at Times square someone drops the ball" +"Did you hear about the pirate whose mom wouldn’t let him go to the movie","The movie was rated arrrr" +"Got my wife this afternoon I had just left a client's office that about 2 hours from my home. My wife calls me and asks about the driving conditions (it's snowing lightly here) and also tells me that she is headed back to her hair dresser. Apparently the hair dresser missed a section last week when my wife got her regular dye job and needs to be touched up. The conversation ended this way: Mrs BMQ: Drive safe Honey Me: Thank you Dear. Die safe Mrs BMQ: huh. WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY. thinking I had just told her to go kill herself ---- Safely ---- Me: Dye Safe - don't get any in your eyes","Mrs BMQ: oooohhhhh **groan**" +"Why did the Easter Egg hide","Because he was a little chicken" +"I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader","The look on his face was priceless" +"Of all the classes I took in college, Ancient History was the worst","My teacher would just Babylon" +"My wife caught me catcalling","After 5 minutes of calling, our little kitten finally showed up" +"This sub in a nutshell","Ahhhhhhh, i am r/dadjokes and i am stuck inside a nutshell, ahhhhhh somebody help me ahhhhhhh" +"Why didn't the dim light bulb go to college","It wasn't very bright" +"I make a lot of dad jokes, but I don’t even have or want any kids","I’m not kidding" +"Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floor","They were just going through a stage" +"I ate some dirt the other day. Never again","I got so il" +"Found a dead roach on my sandal","I think it was shuicide" +"I had a dream last night that I was a muffler","I'm exhuasted" +"What did the Buffalo say to his son when he left for college","Bison" +"My friend does the same two impressions in every party. He is either Matt Damon or Hugh Jackman. Maybe he’s Bourne with it","Maybe he’s Wolverine" +"Got an actual facepalm from the wife today. So we were driving downtown and there was a manikin standing in front of a second hand clothing store with a 50% off sign around its neck. She's not wearing any pants. said my wife. Well it says right on the sign there's half off today. A facepalm and audible groan ensued","I may not be a dad yet but I'm going to be ready" +"I was born at 7:11. My parents thought I was pretty neat","But the store clerk wasn’t happy about the mess" +"In Texas a car passes us with Superman sticker and a Colorado license plate. I read license plate - Where do you think he's from","Dad - Well I think he's from Krypton" +"What's a birds favorite subject","Owlgebra" +"For people on this sub who are thinking of getting married, consider this carefully before you do. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring","On the other hand, you don’t" +"Did you hear about the Nightclub 'Erectile Dysfunction'. It was a total flop","No body came" +"Whats the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a jar of glue","you can tune a piano, but you can't piano a tuna" +"My wife said that everything on this subreddit was stupid, unfunny puns. But I made [this](https://www. reddit","com/r/dadjokes/comments/98ei4l/otherwise) post yesterday that says otherwise" +"What is Kraken’s favorite food. ## Ships and salsa. …daughter and I created this together","I couldn’t be more proud" +"If. Apple made a car,","Would it have windows installed?" +"I wrote a hip new song about burritos","Actually it's more of a wrap" +"Why did the chicken cross the playground","To get to the other slide" +"I don't always tell dad jokes","But when I do, he laughs" +"What hurts like hell and smells like grass","A lawnmower" +"I named my kitten Timon. Why did you name him that. Haven't you seen Lion King. He's named after the meerkat. That is not a meerkat, it is a mere cat. - Interaction with my stepsister","She was not amused" +"I started a new business making yachts in my attic this year","The sails are going through the roof" +"I was robbed outside a Starbucks yesterday","I guess you can say I was mugged" +"I asked my dad are you still mourning the loss of mum","He replied no, now I'm afternooning her loss" +"My Dad enjoys poop stories, so I was texting my S'mom when. Me: Please let Dad know that both of the dogs have pooped. 💩 S'mom: Will doo-doo","Me: You've been married to him too long" +"What's the least spoken language","Sign language" +"I asked a friend what gay meant","He wouldn’t give me a straight answer." +"Next week is National Diarrhea Week","Runs 'til Sunday" +"My wife is going in for carpal tunnel surgery today. so I'm taking the day off to give her a hand :D. (Actually happening","Wish us luck" +"Everyone in my class said I was breathtaking and I didn't know why","I didn't find out until they all suffocated to death" +"The eye roll heard around the world I told my undergrads that I had a redeye flight and would not be in the lab in the morning. One of them said: I hope you don't have any babies on the flight I responded: But I'm not even pregnant. The resulting eye roll and groan were audible for miles and miles around","" +"Did you hear about the bread factory burning down","They say the business is toast" +"why would you want to snap someone's neck","it just seems a bit too twisted of a plan" +"Why can't Pilgrims keep their pants from falling","Because their belts are on their hats" +"Did you guys hear about that Shaolin monk that had to go to the doctor","Turns out he had a case of the kung-flu" +"I went to my local all you can eat buffet. And there was this girl that was only choosing vegetables","I thought, i never seen herbivore" +"What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo","One is a large heavy animal and the other is a little lighter" +"Dad-dom has already started. 27, single, childless With a group of friends about to ride a rollercoaster. I notice that the ride attendants name tag says DeJa . and I can feel the dad within me take over. The ride was fun, we were in the first row. DeJa cheerily welcomes us back into the station, and I, without control of myself, exclaim OMG it's DeJa, again. *Pause 1 second* Entire cart groans in unison","She convincingly said she had never heard that one before , but it might have just been expert-level sarcasm" +"What do you call a belt made out of hundred dollar bills","A waist of money" +"In a sword fight, what is a Redditor’s favourite move","A riposte" +"A met a snail who had its shell removed","He said he felt a bit sluggish" +"What did one dust particle say to another","you’re looking rather fine today" +"What does the antonym see when he opens his dresser drawer","Clothes" +"My wife asked me how she should wear her hair","I told her, On your head" +"Finally my winter fat is gone. Now","I have spring rolls." +"What did the cheetah say when she was falsely accused by the lioness","You've got to believe me, I'm not lion" +"I accidentally took a powerful laxative and a sedative at the same time","I slept like a baby" +"Murphy's Law says anything that can go wrong WILL go wrong","Cole's Law is Pretty much just cabbage" +"My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins","Oh, gourd, was it awful" +"I broke up with the gym today","we just weren't working out" +"Children are like farts","You can only tolerate your own" +"I gave my dad a mug for his birthday It said World's greatest dad . When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked","He replied, You spelled 'dad' backwards" +"What does Snoop Dogg say when his plants need water","Where da hose at" +"A pregnant woman goes into a coma after giving birth A single pregnant lady went to the hospital to give birth, shortly after giving birth, she fell into a coma. She only had time to briefly look at her beautiful twins, a boy and a girl, before having to ask her brother to take care of them as she slipped into her coma. Months later, when she woke up from the coma she asked where her babies were, the doctor said they were on their way with her brother and that they were perfectly healthy and happy babies, the only thing was, since she was in a coma for so long her brother had to come up with names for the babies. Oh great what did my idiot brother name them. The woman said Well, he named your daughter Denice. Replied the doctor I guess that isn't so bad, and my son. Said the woman Denephew","" +"What does a Pirate say on his 80th birthday","Ayeeeee Matey" +"I can't believe. I lost my contact lens. Could've sworn","I'd kept my eye on it." +"After interviewing people for a position at my work I asked a co-worker about her thoughts on the guy we just interviewed: Her: I think it's a go, but I've having some reservations. Me: Why. He's not a restaurant","*she laughed, but others within earshot groaned*" +"Why couldn't anyone hear the melting iceberg on the radio","He was breaking up" +"Did you know that apple pie in the Bahamas is $1. Did you know that apple pie in the Bahamas is $1. Pumpkin pie in Barbados is $1","75 These are the pie rates of the Caribbean" +"Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny. Judge: Stuck in a penny","Lawyer: Yes, he’s in a cent" +"Just realized why we celebrate Pride month in the summer","Because pride cometh before the Fall" +"Wife got me over text messages Wife: Would you like a toasted gouda and ham sandwich for lunch. Me: No thanks, not hungry yet","Wife: OK, so you're gouda for now then" +"When nothing is going your way","You’re in the wrong lane!" +"My son asked me the secret on staying down-to-earth Well,","I mean, gravity" +"I got invited to a Broadway show called Vocabulary and I had to go","I never miss a good play on words" +"Do you know why I allowed a police station to be built on my property out in the Styx","Cause I've got too much crime on my lands" +"What do you call it when a pair of tropical birds do a French dance","A two-toucan can-can" +"Why does Cinderella's team never win","Because she's always late for the ball, and her coach is a pumpkin" +"My friend said he always had trouble understanding the plot of the Back to the Future movies, but he finally got it","It’s about time" +"My piano teacher never farted in public","He was a private tutor" +"How do Disney princesses screw in a lightbulb","They hold the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them" +"What’s loud and sounds like an apple","AN APPLE" +"A report just came out that. Peyton. Manning’s forehead has grown even more since he retired from the. NFL. It’s","Nationwide now" +"I developed a weird phobia about hair","I dreadlocks" +"Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road","It got stuck in a crack" +"What did the mommy cow say to the baby cow","It’s pasture bedtime" +"What is President Obama's favorite vegetable","Barack-oli" +"My son tried to dry the dishes before they were washed","Everything was out of sink" +"I just bought a macbook. But","I couldn't read it" +"It took scientists 15 tries to create the perfect sleep aid. Attempts A-N had no effect","But they concluded a Pill-O helped everyone sleep better" +"My Fianceé asked, Hey can you give me a call","I replied, Yes, it appears I do have service" +"I walked downstairs this morning and my mom said You're up. My dad then proceeded to say Asia. Of course we were confused so then he said What","I thought we were naming continents" +"I know a lot about ancient history, except for Greek Mythology","It's my Achilles Knee" +"Always remember - you’re unique","Just like everyone else" +"Dadjoked everyone on an elevator today while at work in a hospital. Stranger 1: frantically presses close door button in elevator after I get on and hit my floor number without hitting the button to close the door. Stranger 2: Patience, patience. We're gonna get to the right floor Stranger 1: You know I don't have any patience, says stranger 1 sounding flustered. Me: Well it's a good thing you're here, we've got plenty of them","*Collective groan*" +"I don’t understand why people celebrate pi day","It’s irrational." +"I still remember the hard times when. I couldn’t even pay my electric bills","It was the darkest period of my life" +"My dad just pulled this one while I was making dinner So I had dinner in the oven and was sitting in a chair across the room. I was using the microwaves timer to tell me how much longer before I had to take the chicken out. I have bad vision and wanted to know how much longer dinner would be so I asked what does the microwave say","and without missing a beat my dad replies beep beep beep" +"How much did Santa's sleigh cost","None, it was on the house" +"Today, my son asked Can I have a book mark. and I burst into tears","11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian" +"I’ve heard of helicopter parents","But I’ve yet to meet a baby helicopter" +"My son keeps chewing on the live electric wires. as a parent, I handled it","I told him he’s grounded" +"What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door","It won’t be long now" +"My friend always writes “Burro” when he means “Burrow”","Clearly he doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground" +"What does a nut say, when it sneezes","caSHEW" +"What kind of trees grown in the bathroom. Toilet-trees","I'll show myself out" +"The wife forgot a mango in the car. She went to get it, came back with a peach from an earlier shopping trip. She asked me to come with her to look for this mango. As we looked around her car she asked, Did I buy a mango","I replied, so there's a chance this search might prove fruitless" +"Never date a tennis player","Love means nothing to them" +"I just sold my collection of Swiss watches to a friend in Mexico City","Adios Omegas" +"What’s red and bad for your teeth","A brick" +"What weighs less than blue","Light blue" +"Here's a fun dad prank. When my dad was in high school, he was the manager at a small grocery store. He had a bunch of pranks he would play on newcomers, but this was by far the best one. He would have new people take those 5 gallon water jugs and have them refill the water fountains by pouring them into the water fountain drains. While he said most didn't do it, some of the less intelligent people did","He joked about this to me once, and we die of laughter talking about it to this day" +"What do you call a warning given out by a rattlesnake","A cautionary tail" +"Two artists couldn't settle their dispute","They called it a draw" +"Have you even eaten a clock","It’s time consuming" +"what happens when you eat aluminum foil","you sheet metal" +"How does a penguin build their house","Igloos it together" +"What do you call a farmer that loves his job and makes sweets in his spare time","A JollyRancher" +"Why are they having the Superbowl in Minneapolis","Wouldn't Fullsizedapolis make more sense" +"Dad joked my friend while growing some plants the other day. He asked me why my plants always looked so good even as a novice grower. I told him I keep the soil moist at all times He said but aren't you afraid you'll overwater them","Me- Nope, I think they just suck it up and keep growing" +"Two guys walk into a bar","You would think the second of the two would have ducked" +"I read jokes from this sub to get back at him, though. I'm home for a visit this weekend and in his usual fashion, my dad just randomly pipes up to make a joke. This time around it was a belated Halloween joke. Dad: Oh little Johnny, what a good pirate costume. where are your little buccaneers. Dad, answering his own joke: Under my buccin' hat. I just dropped my head and groaned","His job done, the old man left the room with a chuckle" +"When does 1 + 1 = 3","When it is wrong" +"England doesn't have a. Kidney. Bank. It does have a","LiverPool" +"My daughter was whining about her chores. She asked if she needed to vacuum the whole apartment","I said, no, just do the floor" +"My wife recently lost her job, so for now it's only me selling hot dogs. So. I guess in this household,","I'm the breadwiener" +"Why do I wear two pairs of pants while golfing","In case I get a hole in one" +"My grandma broke her tail bone","When I asked her about it she said it's a real pain in the ass" +"What was Beethoven's favorite city in England","LONDON-DUN-DUNNNN" +"I told my son you could make pasta out of potatoes. He said That sounds gross so. I was like Hey, don't","Gnocchi't til you try it." +"How does Dracula write his novels","He blood types" +"11 years ago my mother decided to go back and finish school. She earned her bachelors, masters, and just got her PhD","She asked if I was proud of her What's with the third degree" +"Action dan here, old. Japanese probverb. If","I a man stands on toilet, he is high on pot." +"Girlfriend is a Lord of the Rings fan She has a tattoo of a mountain range with an elvish inscription underneath. Me: What does your tattoo say again. Her: Oh, it says The mountain is calling. Why. Me: Oh no reason, I just didn't know what it was Tolkein about","Her: *(thousand yard stare)*" +"I took my glasses off Told my kids I had seen enough. The groans. Oh the groans","Totally worth it" +"Speaking to the Navy CO who was fired for a goat. [context](http://foxtrotalpha. jalopnik. com/sea-fairing-salty-goat-sinks-navy-cruiser-captains-ca-1701867221) Speaking with a friend about it the following dad joke occured: Me: CO got fired for a few reasons but the least of which was brinigng livestock to California. Her: They were probably smuggling drugs inside the goat","Me: I hope not, that'd be ba-a-a-a-d" +"I just got charged with leaving the scene of an accident","Probably shouldn't have ran out of the delivery room" +"How do you keep a prince cool","Use an heir conditioner" +"When my sister asked what he was up to tomorrow Sister: what're you up to tomorrow","Dad: 5'11" +"A really bad impressionist walks into a bar","The bartender says, “Why the wrong face" +"Darth Vader likes to play a game where he stands as still as possible for as long as he can","He calls it the Anakin challenge" +"A lawyer broke the courtroom dress code","It resulted in a law suit" +"I was stood in the park wondering why a frisbee gets bigger and bigger as it heads towards you","And then it hit me" +"I have a fear of elevators","I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them" +"I just read a great book on lubricants","It’s non friction" +"I don’t trust stairs","They’re always up to something" +"What did the zero say to the eight","Nice belt" +"I had to put my cat down today","I was getting tired" +"What do you call a belt made out of watches","A waist of time" +"My sister bet me £15 that. I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti","You should of seen the look on her face as i drove pasta" +"I got tickets to go see Beyoncé the other day Really excited so called my mate to tell him","I didn't think you like that sort of music, but whatever floats your boat I guess , he commented I replied: no mate, that's BUOYANCY" +"What’s happens when you eat aluminum foil","You sheet metal" +"My mom hired a handyman and gave him a list. When she got back home, only #1,3 & 5 were completed","Turned out he only does odd jobs" +"I stayed up all night to see where the sun went","Then it dawned on me 🤪 👕 👖 👟" +"I’m only familiar with 25 letters of the. English. Alphabet","I don’t know y" +"My students really hate me now. [Sadly it was only a 3 on the sighsmograph](http://i. imgur. com/ahwgChe","jpg)" +"I hear you know a lot about the color blue","Teal me about it" +"I’m a therapist with anger management issues","I feel like I’m always losing my patients at work" +"God said Come forth, and you shall receive eternal life . But","John came fifth, and won a toaster." +"What do you get when you cross an automobile with a household pet","Carpet" +"My blind girlfriend told me she is seeing someone else. I told her how happy I was and she got mad and said she didn't want to see me anymore","I really don't understand women sometimes" +"Made a payday joke to my team at work last night while handing out check stubs","While handing out my teams paycheck stubs at work I told everyone to Enjoy your checks while they last, you won't be getting paid for the rest of the year" +"A Roman soldier walks into a bar, looks at the bartender, hold ups two fingers and says","Let me get five beers" +"My dad's on fire tonight. I was having dinner with he and my mom, and the subject of my new job came up. I told them that I had to go take the drug test tomorrow, and he, with no hesitation, said, Well you better go home and study, then. Later we were talking about a nice looking Saab sedan we saw, and he said, I once read a cover story about those. The magazine called it a Saab Story","I love my dad" +"Since Trump became president, the secret service hasn't been allowed to yell Get down. when he is under attack","Instead they have to yell Donald, duck" +"My addiction to Helium is out of control, but","No one is taking my cries for help seriously" +"An orange went to a party to find a date but couldn’t find one. frustrated, she said Where did all the","Mango" +"Never argue with a Möbius strip","They are always one-sided" +"I feel like the activity of skiing","is really just going down hill" +"How much room is needed for fungi to grow","As mushroom as needed" +"Remember to play safe and always use ear protection","You don't want to get hearing aids" +"What do you do when you see two snails fighting","Nothing, just let them slug it out" +"What do you call a horny square","An erectangle" +"Horses have great job prospects","A very stable career" +"Two waves met in the middle of the night behind a boat The first wave ask, “are you awake","” The second responded, “no, I’m a normal wave" +"Why were the croutons blushing","They saw the salad dressing" +"My son asked me. “Dad, what are condoms used for","” I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like this one" +"I can cut wood just by looking at it","I saw it with my own eyes" +"I once told a chemistry joke,. But","I got no reaction." +"Why is your nose in the middle of your face","Because it's the scenter" +"What do you call a man with no shins","Tony" +"Lunch with Dad Having lunch with my old man today and we both had a fried chicken sandwich that had a fried egg on it (it was delicious). So my Dad, being a dad said what do you taste first, the chicken or the egg","It's an evolutionary sandwich" +"What do you call a Tony Stark Cosplay","Phony Stark" +"I'm currently creating a sculpture of a maths equation but I'm really struggling to finish","I just can't figure it out" +"A world without women","Would be a pain in the ass" +"I can't wait for ISIS","to become WASWAS" +"A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer","Bartender says Sorry, we don't serve food here" +"Why does Snoop Dog always carry an umbrella","Fo’ Drizzle" +"An older gentleman got me in Wal-Mart I was coming around a corner and almost bumped my cart into his Me: Oh I'm sorry, excuse me, sir","Him: It's okay, I have cart insurance" +"I was arrested the other day for stealing people's electrons","I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience" +"What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft","A♭ miner" +"When picking up women I tell them Im not like most men","Most men are Chinese" +"Earned my girlfriend's dad's approval today. He was explaining how he was long sighted, so his eyes were good at long distances, but he had to had to hold things at arms length so he could read what was on them. > Dad: I can hit a golfball 300m down the range and see exactly where it lands, but (pointing at the ground) I wouldn't be able to read what's written on it > Me: Neither could I if it was 300m away. > [Dad](http://m. quickmeme. com/img/99/9922e5e83a280803e413eadff91bfc26f3a0cf2a68e0b84a038b3221436d0dbf","jpg)" +"My dad and. I were driving around in. Seattle and we passed a Nude live girls sign","He quickly remarked that the Dead nude girls were in the back" +"Got my wife and baby Asked my wife what my 7 month old was having for dinner. She said chicken, cauliflower, and carrots. Me: oh, so he's having a c-food dinner. Her:","Me: hahahahaha" +"Asked my dad how do you make bread","He said that was on a knead-to-know basis" +"Everybody has a hole in their butt","And anyone who claims they don't, is full of shit" +"A father was washing his car with his son","After they were done, his son asked, Couldn't we have used a sponge" +"What does a grape say when it gets stepped on","Nothing, it let's out a little wine" +"It's blue and when it falls from a building your bike is broken, what is it","Your bike" +"What do you call a male dog","A son of a bitch" +"I've been telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes","It's all about raisin awareness" +"Dad Joke 2: The Long Con My SO noticed a black substance on his car's exhaust tip- carbon from the engine. He touched my nose with it and it stuck. He got as much as he could off, but about 15 minutes later his dad pointed out that there was still some left. I worked at it a little, then wrapped my arms around my SO's shoulder","His dad: I guess you could say you guys are *carbon dating*" +"Did you hear about the doctor who lost his patience","After 5 hours in the waiting room they decided to leave" +"A Teenage daughter is being intimate with her boyfriend. And her dad walks in. Dad I'm sorry says the girl. Hi sorry I'm Dad says the dad","The dad then turns to her boyfriend and asks Are you fucking sorry" +"Why was the cookie sad","Because his mom was a wafer too long" +"Dad joked my dad Yesterday I had a flat tire and today my dad asked how the tire was. With out missing a beat I say, It seems a little tired, but alright","We both had a good laugh" +"What do you call an elf that doesn't sing","A wrapper" +"Went to the barber the other day","Absolutely dread it though, I'm abraid to say" +"So, I recently got a job as a construction worker. Looking for the punchline","Hold on, I'm still working on it" +"My dad told me he's fat because he once won a Brittish lottery","he gained a lot of pounds" +"A man walks into a church and passes gas","He sits in his own pew" +"My dad told me to put out a new salt lick for the cows, but to watch out for cops","Or I'll be charged with A'saltin' cattlery" +"Something is wrong with my golden retriever","Its not bringing me any gold" +"What did the Bhuddist say to the Hotel Clerk when asked if he was checking out of his room","Namaste" +"What’s the difference between a computer and an American","The American doesn’t have any troubleshooting" +"At the grocery store, would you like paper or plastic. Either one","I'm bi-sacksual" +"Why do tornados never strike movie theaters","They hate the trailers" +"Dad got me while in the car So my friend said to my dad in the car, downban3R got a girlfriend Dad says: what's her name. Rosie Palm. What. And her five sisters","Oh dad" +"What do you call an ancient egyptian. An old","Giza!" +"Instructions for falling down a flight of stairs","Skip step one" +"Problems in","Apple's software shouldn't be called bugs but worms." +"You guys heard the terrible news about the Calzone business","It folded" +"My wife crashed her Wrangler the other day listening to Adele","She was rolling in the Jeep" +"Did you hear about the gay magician","He disappaered with a poof" +"Yo, wanna hear a joke about someone who never goes outdoors. Nah on second thoughts you won't get it","It's an inside joke" +"A ghost walks into a bar","The barman said, We don't serve spirits here ." +"My dad got me with this Pokemon joke I was saying how pokemon spawn in certain locations, like some types can be found by water while others are in cemeteries. He said, if you go to a Catholic cemetery can you find a pope-emon","Even though his kids are grown, he's still got it" +"So, I was debating this guy about world peace, and he argued that whirled peas sound disgusting","I think that's called an *ad homonym* attack" +"My daughters face was messy from a candy bar. I said you've got choc-lips","Didn't get a groan but she did do a deadpan courtesy laugh" +"This egg carton has a barncode. [https://i. redd. it/q7jnircmftq41. jpg](https://i. redd. it/q7jnircmftq41","jpg)" +"The Apple doesn't fall far from the Tree Son: Dad where did I come from. Dad: One day your mother and I were walking through an apple orchard. Son *rolls eyes*: And you grabbed an apple not far from a tr","Dad: I slipped in cider" +"I met a woman in the park the other day. I asked her, What's your name. She said, Eileen","I said, Yes I can see that but what's your name" +"I can count how many times. I’ve been to","Chernobyl on my hands 13" +"Dad - Hey, do you want to come over for a movie. I have already invited 17 people. Me- Sure, but why so many people","Dad- The DVD says it is only for 18+ viewers" +"email warning: if you recieve a message containing salt, geletain, and processed pork, dont open it: it's","SPAM!" +"A friend asked me to come and have a look at his broken extractor fan. I told him. I don't have much experience in cheering up former tractor enthusiasts but","I'll give it a spin." +"I really love the periodic table","Well, not always, but every now and again" +"What do you call a lobster that goes to church","A christacean" +"What did the fish say when he swam into the wall","Dam" +"What did the bird say when he got really frustrated","“Frigate" +"When you buy a bigger bed, you have more bed room but less bedroom That's a very important fact I just read and wanted to share with you guys","Buying beds is a serious topic" +"You hear what kind of house the Owner of Doritos just bought","A cool Ranch" +"What is the worst time to go to the dentist","Tooth-hurty" +"Dad: Hey kids, did you hear about that crazy lady who got breast implants full of twigs and sticks. Me: . no, why. Is another one of your stupid jokes again. Dad: No, no, no. I read it on my Yahoos and thought it was weird. Me: Oh. yeah, that is weird I guess. Dad: It would've been funny if that joke had a punchline, wooden tit","Me: Dad, no" +"My wife asked if the dishwasher was clean or dirty","I said it's both until you open it" +"What did the fish say when it hit a wall","DAM" +"What do you call a dentist who removed wrong tooth","An accidentist" +"The mountains aren’t just funny","They’re hill areas" +"Women never forget when you call them fat","An elephant never forgets" +"My wife emailed me the pictures of our first date together, but I couldn’t open any of the files","I have serious emotional attachment issues" +"I need to get a new lawn mower","Mine just isn't cutting it anymore" +"What’s a constipated detective called","No shit Sherlock" +"Am I busy tomorrow. I’ve got a colonoscopy in the morning","But after that I’m wide open" +"What do you call a modest insect","A Humble Bee" +"Why did the Moray have to go to the doctor","Cause he was feelin pretty eel" +"What's a dogs favorite flavor of gum","Puppermint" +"I just got dad joked. twice. What do you call 200 cows jerking off. Beef strokin' off (stroganoff). What do you call a cow with no legs","Ground beef" +"Why are tires more expensive than ever","It’s because of *inflation*" +"How do fish get high","Sea weed" +"My dad bought a ladder","He just uses it to get high" +"“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric. ” Dad: I just wanted to","make my presents felt" +"You can say 'hi' to everyone on a plane except one","Jack" +"My brother was destined to be dad from age four When my brother was four years old, my dad told him to go sit on Santa Claus' lap at the church. Santa Claus was actually being played by my second uncle, Mr. Herman. My brother had already heard rumors of this, so when he went to sit on Santa Claus' lap he asked: Are you Mr. Herman. Mr. Herman replied: Baloney. My brother went back to my dad and said: His name is Baloney","(My brother is now 39 years old and the proud father of a 19-month-old son)" +"I realy like the. Razer phone but to be honest","I just got it to be edgy" +"A typical text from my dad. http://imgur","com/Yo7mGGt" +"What do you call an angry German","A Sour Kraut" +"Dad joked the frito lay guy Scene- Frito lay guy unloading truck at the local grocery store","Dad- walks up to the frito guy, puts his hand on his shoulder and says to him, they only call you when the chips are down Frito guy- laughs all the way back to the truck" +"Why did The Rock quit wrestling","He was always getting beat on paperview" +"My wife's cousin is getting married Her cousin is marrying a guy named Dee. Last night I had a sudden realization and had to point out something about that weekend. So I just realized. After the wedding, your cousin's going to be getting plenty of Dee's nuts","Now I'm going to have to spend that entire weekend avoiding making that joke at the wedding" +"HBO is coming up with a new series where a baseball, a shot put, a discus, and a javelin try to kill each other","It’s called The Game of Throwns" +"One of my Dad's signature jokes growing up. Whenever we were watching a movie and the bottom screen commented Present Day he would say","Oh boy, it's Christmas" +"What do you call a person that refuses to fart in public","A private tutor" +"Why can't the T-rex clap","Because it's dead" +"*For context, today is my birthday* my mom says does anyone have a match. And without hesitation, my 70 year old father says I haven't had a fair match since Superman died The most dad-thing I've heard him say in a long time","Made me proud" +"Two flies are sitting down enjoying a lovely meal","One says to the other: Man, this is some really good shit" +"My camping trip to the beautiful country of. Iceland was ruined by a pack of wild dogs. They just wouldn’t stop","Björking" +"Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions","I do" +"I got sick after my last D&D campaign, I couldn't stop talking like a wizard","I think I may have a staff inflection" +"Why didn't motorcycles get roles in the movie Cars","They were just two tired to show up" +"I just got a new personal best in the 100 metre sprint","64 metres" +"If you need to start a fire by rubbing sticks together, make sure they are the same","Then you'll have a match" +"My wife asked me why our neighbor was in the hospital. I told her he had pneumonia. And he's had it so long it's now oldmonia . (After she got through groaning, I said I made a dad joke. She said, No. You made a *bad* joke","I love her" +"Wanna hear dadjokeszcź","My English teacher once told me to polish my pronounciation" +"My son asks me, What does gay mean. Me: It means 'happy, Son: Oh, so are you gay, then","Me: No, son, I have a wife" +"Waiter: Do you want a box for your leftovers","Me: no, but I’ll wrestle you for them" +"My neighbors tree can't figure out why he is getting cut down","He's totally stumped" +"Two men jump out of a window The first man jumps from the the tenth story and goes : AHHHHHHHHHHHH *thump* The second man jumps from the first story and goes : *thump*","AHHHHHHHHHHHHH" +"If Elbows Didn't Bend","They would have no point" +"A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer","The Bartender says, 'Sorry we don't serve food here" +"Why were the other puppies teasing the sled dog","He was a little husky" +"A coworker said “I heard it’s really gorgeous in. Norway”. So","I responded “Actually they call them fjords over there.”" +"Did you hear about the math teacher that was wrongfully convicted","It just didn’t add up" +"How do you make holy water","You boil the hell out of it" +"What kind of fish has asthma","A puffer fish" +"Can you help Dad figure out where he lost his hat","It’s a real head-scratcher" +"Texted my daughter's boyfriend to meet me and he dad joked me back. Me: Meet me at Mo's Egg House at 8AM. The rental place opens at 9AM and we can get some breakfast. Boyfriend: I know eggsactly where that is","It's nice to know if they get married and have kids my grandchildren will be in good hands" +"My son asked why my friends and I had little birds on our wine glasses I told him so I knew which one was mine. He told me they should be owls instead. “Why","” I asked “So you’d know whose whose”" +"Trying to talk to my dad about the eclipse [Our text conversation](http://imgur","com/wbBvxYW)" +"What do you call someone who is only half Jew. I guess they could be considered","Jew-ish" +"Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer","They have hops" +"What do you call a luxury car made out of wood","A Lumberghini" +"My wife got me this morning I said: Here's a question for you","She said: No, that's a statement" +"What do you call a dairy cow that can't produce any milk","An udder failure" +"Got my girlfriend Her: I can't write upside down","Me: U P S I D E D O W N Her: Oh for crying out loud" +"The back-up camera in my car always shows the message, Check your surroundings for Safety","I always check, but haven't seen safety yet" +"What did Obama say when he proposed to Michelle","I don’t want to be Obamaself" +"Starting to worry about my girlfriend. She's been depressed and has developed a lazy eye","She never looks forward to anything" +"Google got me http://imgur","com/9mjHbNU" +"Have you ever ate a clock","It's very time consuming" +"If I was an executioner, I'd prefer to use an axe","It'd be easier to get ahead" +"How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got for Christmas","He had felt his presents" +"My inflatable dock burst after my friends kept telling me to fill it with more air","Too much pier pressure" +"The priest that just oversaw my aunt's funeral pointed to his white collar and asked me, You know what I call this. I said, What","And he said, Collar ID" +"My daughter finished telling me the “7 ate 9” joke and","I said “You shouldn’t tell math jokes,” ”you’re greater than that.”" +"Why does it always seem like ambulances take forever to arrive","Because they're a patient transport" +"Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa","Because they make all the toys" +"Sinks can’t open doors","Let that sink in" +"What did the fisherman say to the magician","Pick a cod, any cod" +"I can see for miles , said","Miles' seeing-eye dog." +"What do you call a woman who looks like a horse","Mare-y" +"To be frank","I’d have to legally change my name" +"Teacher: “True or False. The Declaration of Independence was written in Philadelphia. ” Student: “False","It was written in ink" +"Until. I get banned from /r/dadjokes,","I'm punstoppable" +"Even at 21, my dad still gets me. Told my dad I was having trouble finding the right girl","He just smiled and said, It's all just a myth man, I found your mother on my left" +"Why did the old lady fall into the well","She couldn’t see that well" +"I couldn't cover up my affinity for dad jokes in this moment My friend and I were having a conversation about down comforters and pillows, and how she loves them but the feathers always end up coming out and poking her","My only response Well, that's a real downer" +"Expecting my first in June. Working on my dad joke game. My wife and I are driving on I-90 in Maine. We come to a toll and she says, Can you believe that toll is $3. To which I replied It's highway robbery","She groaned" +"Dad joked my boss in a text. Could hear the groan. Hey, have a good memorial day weekend eh, I think I'm getting a kidney stone. Should be exciting… Oh really. My Dad got one of those a few years ago but he wouldn't tell me where he got it. Do they sell them somewhere around here","" +"I feel like I really can’t tell what’s gonna happen next year. Movies, politics, my personal life","I can’t predict anything It’s like I don’t have 2020 vision" +"My sister and i are going to attend the highschool prom","She will buy her dress first Then I’ll follow suit" +"So where exactly is Timbuktu. I was playing a trivia game with my girlfriend and her family when a question was proposed by my girlfriend: GF: So where exactly is Timbuktu. GF's Dad: It's somewhere in between Timbuk-one and Timbuk-three","Laughter ensued" +"The geometry teacher went to. Hawaii","When he came back, he was a tan gent" +"What does Pikachu say when he's pretending to be a ghost","Pika-BOO" +"I too have Kitchen based dad-jokes. I was reminded of my own experiences with my dad in the kitchen by /u/85FurnaceFuneral93 's post. Cooking dinner, it came time to add the frozen peas to the pot. However, as he pulled them out of the freezer, he spilt the bag on the ground. Oh no","he said I just pea'd all over the floor" +"What is a web developer's favourite tea","URL Grey" +"Frozen dad joke I was trying to watch the movie Frozen on my tv in my room and it stopped working all of a sudden because of something wrong with my computer. I was frustratedly talking at my tv and I hear my dad from the room next to mine say, I guess you could say its. frozen","Yes dad, yes" +"Every. Single. Time. Dad: How does your face feel. Me: Fine","Dad: Well it's killing me" +"Had a horrible experience dining out last night. The waiter made us eat our spaghetti with a spoon","I complained to the owner, but even she didn’t give a fork" +"Where does Batman go to take a dump","To the batroom of course" +"What x videos do fish watch","They watch prawnography" +"Father-in-law got us good before a hike We were getting ready to go hiking around Mt. Rainier, and were hanging out in a large tent my wife's grandparents had set up. Her younger brother tried turning on a light hanging from the ceiling of the tent, but it wasn't plugged in. My Father-in-law looked at him seriously and said looks like you'll need to plug it in to a currant bush. Cue groans and eye rolls from everyone","At least I was able to appreciate the beauty of a quick-witted dad joke" +"This guy lost his entire left side","Doctors say he’s alright now" +"Why did Sherlock Holmes love going to Mexican restaurants. It is the best place to get case-ideas stolen from: [food jokes](https://www. keeplaughingforever","com/food-jokes)" +"This is just wrong on so many levels. https://i. imgur. com/OD7CzGl","jpg" +"I wonder if the Earth makes fun of the Moon","For having no life" +"What's your new years resolution","Mine's 1920x1080" +"My son asked me why I have to pay a fine on my speeding ticket","I told him because it makes everything fine again" +"Two fish sitting in a tank","One of them turns to the other and says How do you drive this thing?" +"Midgets and Dwarfs","have very little in common" +"My own joke caught me off guard. My sister was complaining that all she could buy for underwear was ugly ones because she has wide hips even though the rest of her is skinny. I wasn't really paying attention and said aw yeah. that's a bummer. She looked at me like oh haha very funny","I was confused for a half a second until I thought about what I had just said" +"Doggie treats My uncoordinated husky has trouble catching treats when I throw them to her and the speedy little Chihuahua gobbles them up off the floor before she can react. However, when I throw her scraps of meat, she catches them every time","She never misses when the steaks are that high" +"What would you call a sword made of ice","Excali-buuurrrrr" +"If a plant feels bad","Do the other plants photo-sympathize" +"Engineer/dad-joked my own engineer dad. My dad and I regularly play Words With Friends. I played joules for some serious points and he messaged me saying I guess your physics classes paid off. I wrote back, Actually you taught me about measurements of energy. the family joules, if you will. He called me just to say Ugh","that was terrible" +"Saw a guy standing on one leg at an atm. Confused, I asked him what he was doing","He was just checking his balance" +"My dad asked me if I knew why one side of the V geese fly in was longer than the other Because there are more geese in it","Thanks dad" +"What do you call a bear without teeth","A gummy bear" +"What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits the windshield","It's butt" +"I had a Bonnie Tyler Satellite Navigation Sytem once","Was rubbish, kept telling me to turn around and every now and then it fell apart" +"Why do bears have hairy coats","Fur protection" +"Why do mermaids wear seashells. Because B-shells are too small, and D-shells are too big","Technically one my mom was fond of telling, but it fits" +"What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school","Bison" +"My boss said to me, You're the worst train driver I've ever seen. How many how you derailed this week. I said, I don't really know","It's hard for me to keep track" +"Why doesn't Thor like using Uber","Because he Lyft's" +"We were driving in a rural area and I asked my daughter, Want some Drugs. She said, No, Why","Because that's a Farm-I-See" +"Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house. Of course","Houses can't jump" +"My first dad joke. Just dropped my first. DJ. My friend said I'm having to restart my computer, driver issues so. I replied you should try your putter instead","KABLAMYWAMY" +"So my brother was ill today. Mum: How do you feel","Dad: Probably with his hands" +"The cannibal warrior who defeated his female opponent looked very satiated","He was *gladiator" +"What do you get when you cross Trump and Caesar","Orange Julius" +"What's the last thing Jeff Bezos does before bed","He puts his Pajamazon" +"I don't trust atoms","They make up everything." +"A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes. Oh. said the counselor. I see what the problem is","You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse" +"What is Rob short for","Because he's got short legs" +"At my brother's home addition My brother was remodeling his house and a new bedroom was almost completed except for cleanup of sawdust, caulking, and other random construction leftover bits","I grabbed a shop vac hose and began cleaning, making sure to point out that it made a pretty good caulk-sucker" +"Cigarettes after sex helped me","to quit smoking" +"Want to hear a gay dad joke","I’ve got two of them" +"Sending this card to my father, the master of all dad jokes. Saw [this card](http://imgur","com/LKnq3cC) in the store the other day and thought it'd be the perfect thing for him" +"Dad dropped this one when my parents came to visit me and my roommate at college My dad told her he liked the color of her hat and she says thanks, I have to cover the top of my hair because I need to dye it he says, dye it","You already look thin enough" +"What is green and brown, has 6 legs and if fell out of a tree would probably kill you","A snooker table" +"I always thought it would be difficult to have erectile dysfunction","But it can't be that hard" +"I would tell you a good dad joke","But I already am one 😑😑" +"I managed to break even at Vegas this weekend. I lost a load of money on the blackjack table","But then won it all back on the ATM machine" +"Wife: I have a couple of important announcements to make. Wife: First: I’m pregnant. Husband: Hi pregnant,I’m dad","Wife: second: no you’re not dad" +"Why couldn't the bike standup by itself","It was two tired" +"Dad hit me with this one in the car Dad: Are you buckled in. Me: Si","Dad: I can't see, that's why I asked" +"I was separated from my mother at birth","Don't worry, it's a standard medical procedure" +"You're Ready Son: Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant. Dad: Son, I'm not mad. Just disappointed. Son: Hi, disappointed, i'm dad. Dad: Son, did you just- Son: Yes","Dad: You're ready" +"I called the tinnitus hotline","But it just kept ringing" +"I've never been to a gentleman's club, but. I once read a torn newspaper with only the first 2. Calvin &. Hobbes pannels intact, so yeah","I've had a strip tease." +"What word in the dictionary is always spelled incorrectly","Incorrectly" +"Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything","His name was mediocretese" +"Me and the old man were walking down a parking lot. On the way to the store he points and laughs. Ha","That's illegal I look where he points and it is a Pontiac *Torrent*" +"My dad: Do they have a 4th of July in England. Me: No, why would they","My dad: Of course they do, they just don't celebrate it" +"What did the grape do when it got stepped on","It let out a little wine" +"Every time we eat Chinese food We get down to the fortune cookies and we all read ours straightforward. Maybe an added in bed at the end","Then my dad reads his Help, I'm trapped inside a fortune cookie factory" +"Why did the coffee file a police report","It got mugged" +"Have you ever been in a forearm fight","No, but I've been in a two-armed fight" +"My waitress congratulated me for my order today. Don't know why, all","I ordered was a steak." +"What kind of tables can you eat","Vegetables" +"I saw an ad in a shop window, “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”,","I thought “I can’t turn that down”" +"My son decided to eat dinner outside despite the pouring rain","His appetite was whet" +"I was on the bathroom scales, sucking my stomach in. Thinking I was trying to weigh less with this manouver, my wife commented, I don't think that's going to help","Sure it does I retorted It's the only way I can see the numbers" +"How do you make holy water","You boil the hell out of it" +"Waitstaff, the next natural target for dadjokes, after family. Waitress: . and my name's Jillian, if you need me","Me: What's your name if we don't need you" +"If I ever write a book of 1001 jokes, I don’t know what the first 8 will be","But the 9th will be “the title of this book was in binary”" +"Got Dadjoked by a resident at work today I work at a retirement home. I was in our dementia unit this morning, about to give a gentleman his AM meds. I asked him: How are you feeling today","He replied: With my hands" +"Sometimes Dad joke delivery guy with slightly poor taste So I work in a pet store, and today we received 3 frogs that sadly didn't make it to the store alive. So I'm looking at the frogs trying to figure out if they were in fact DOA. and he walks up to me handing me the sheet. Aw the poor guys didn't make it. No, it doesn't look like it. How sad. Yeah, I guess you could say","they croaked" +"My wife and I went to see a marriage counsellor. Have you guys been having sex. she asked. Yes, we replied. &#x200B; Tell me about the frequency, the marriage counsellor probed","&#x200B; Well, he's a little bit too high-pitched for my liking, replied my wife" +"First you listen to me, then you eat me. What am I","Ham radio" +"I was at a Christmas party that my dad's friend was throwing. No one in attendance was under 55 when they dropped this bomb shell on each other: My Dad: Hey Al, your dog is getting fat. Al: He's on a sea food diet","At this point all of the dads there jumped in and in perfect synchronization shouted: See food and eat it" +"My 15 y. left a message. I had to reply. Woke up to a message, on our family chalkboard, left by my 15 y. daughter. Mornings are no fun when you have to get up at six or earlier. I replyed: That's why they call it mourning","I can already hear her eyes rolling" +"What makes a killer dad joke","It's all in the execution" +"I was at the grocery store buying milk the other day. This was my opportunity. CASHIER: Would you like the milk in a bag, sir","DAD: No, just leave it in the carton" +"What do you do before handling bees","You have to bee prepared" +"An interviewee is asked where they see themselves in five years","The interviewee responds: How should I know, I don't have 2020 vision" +"My friend needs a visa to get into the US, can anyone help","I only have a MasterCard" +"My son asked me Cows are so big, how do they walk","Simple, just put one foot in front of an udder" +"Do you pronounce the capital of Louisiana new orlens or new orleens","I pronounce it Baton Rouge" +"I had a twofer earlier with the girlfriend. We were sitting on the couch, and she reached over and started trying to tie knots in the strings of my hoodie. I looked over at her, and with the straightest face I could muster asked could you knot. She was not amused. I was met with a glare as I laughed. Not a minute later, I notice her clock had stopped. It is one of those novelty cat clocks, with the second hand being a fish that eyes of the cat followed. Still not done with my jokes, I point it out to her. Look","It's almost like theyre frozen in time" +"What do you see when you look down a mole hole","Molasses" +"Dad-joked my coworker about his pants Me: Hey nice pants, are those corduroy. Him: Yeah they are. Me: Have you heard about those new corduroy pillow cases. they're really making headlines. Him:","Goddamnit snake_lamp" +"Electrons have mass","I didn’t even know they were catholic" +"Came up with a joke this weekend, not sure if it exists yet or not. Why did the duck rob his mom","So he could buy some quack" +"Good one, dad :( Dad am I adopted. No, you're David. Why would anyone name you 'Adopted'","Even if we wanted to, your name was already 'David' when we adopted you" +"I grounded my kids for 6 months when they were caught cow-tipping","I really want to teach them to respect the udderly" +"Tried to catch some fog earlier, but","I mist." +"Did you hear about the tic tac and the altoid that fell in love","They were mint to be together" +"A teacher is grading final exams. As soon as he grades the last paper, he starts sobbing","A student asks him what's wrong and the teacher says, I have failed all of you as a teacher" +"In what part of a hospital do they spy on patients","In the I" +"What's a pirate's favorite letter. (use this to out-dad dad) (R) Arrrgggh edit: You think it's de (R) Arrrghhh, but its da C (Sea)","*double edit: You think it's da (C), but it's de AIIIIII (I)" +"Just deleted all the German contacts off my phone","it’s now Hans free" +"What do you need to have to do the dishes when you don't want to","Dishcipline This is literally a joke I told in a dream and I remembered it when waking up" +"What do you call a high lizard","A mariguana" +"I just read a very interesting article about premature ejaculation","the website said it would be about an 8-minute read but I was able to finish sooner" +"Conjunctivitis","com That's a site for sore eyes" +"What does a horse say when he falls","Help, I've fallen and I can't giddy up" +"You know what they say about a man with 3 hands","Nobody has three hands" +"So I was at band practice today. And my bassist/vocalist was asking what we thought about a song we were just writing. So I took my hands off the strings and let them start making noise on their own, as I was standing directly in front of my amp","When he looked at me, confused as I was just staring at him, I finally broke the silence: I'm giving you feedback" +"My 8 year old son dropped a blueberry on the floor","He said: These may contain antioxidants, but they don't have anti-accidents" +"Sporty dad joke Heard on the train: What would you call a great boxer if he switched to art","Muhammad Dali" +"Why does airport security make you take your shoes off sometimes and not others","To keep you on your toes" +"Why did the lifeguard not try to save the drowning hippie","Because he was too far out, man" +"I dad-joked my Thai friend yesterday Thai friend: I'd like to marry an Italian woman. Our kids would be beautiful","Me: You could say your kids would be I-Thai-lian then" +"What does a cat say when its mouth hurts","Meowwth" +"I wanted to surprise my wife by buying a dairy farm","She had a cow when I told her" +"What do you call eating only a little bit of someone at a time","can-nibble-ism" +"Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian","It was the least I could have done for him" +"I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer","I have a Czech one too, a Czech one too" +"When Does a Joke Become a Dad Joke","When it becomes apparent" +"My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit","I told her that they /r/dadjokes…" +"How does the moon cut his hair","Eclipse it" +"What do you call 3 Irish Lumberjacks. Tree fellers. NOTE: I posted this on another post and got some upvotes for it so I thought I would make it's own post. Is it a repost","Sorry if it IS a repost although I've never seen it on Reddit before" +"Waking up after a night of drinking my girlfriend asked me to bring her some green tea to aid her hangover I came back with this http://imgur","com/9KgUeRK Dad jokes are the best medicine" +"Teacher was wrong. I was always told in school. I wouldn’t get paid to look out a window, now","I’m a truck driver" +"Flight. Mode. I switched my phone to. Flight","Mode and it dragged me out of my seat" +"A man goes on a hiking expedition, climbs Mt. Kilimanjaro and succumbs to frost bite losing all of his toes. Upon learning of the incident, his wife immediately files for divorce","Apparently, she was lack toes intolerant" +"I love my furniture","Me and my recliner go wayyy back." +"Kidnapper: We've kidnapped your son. Dad: Please let me speak to him. Kidnapper: He's here","Dad: You left the fan on, again" +"I took my dog, my txt-addict daughter and my mother-in-law in the car yesterday","I can’t afford a car stereo but I still have a woofer, a tweeter and a loud-speaker" +"What does the soup salesman drive","A Toyota Soupra" +"Just counter-dadjoked my father So my parents came down to visit me for my college break. My father is such a dad-joker, it's hard to even have a serious conversation with him. We went to the outlet mall to do some shopping and I told my mother I was thirsty so I was going to grab a soda from the vending machine. My father turns to me and goes, Hey thirsty. Nice to meet you, I'm dad. I rolled my eyes and smiled and casually told him to shut the fuck up. He goes, what, you don't like me calling you thirsty. How bout I call you Stan. (Stan was another name he used to call me as a joke, long story, not gonna bother to tell it). I responded with Dad, you can call me anything you want, just don't call me late for supper","I am ashamed" +"Cashier: “Would you like your milk in a bag","” Dad: “No, in the jug is fine" +"What was the problem with Jesus' trashbag","It was too holey" +"Just dadjoked my own dad. Me: What are you doing today. Dad: I was thinking of going to the weather bureau, they're having a convention of sorts. Me: Do you think that might be something (my two-year-old) would enjoy. Dad: Well it's a bunch of nerdy weather stuff, I'm afraid some of it would be over his head","Me: Well isn't all weather over his head" +"My overweight parrot died today","I was upset but it's a huge weight off my shoulder" +"Why was Tom, the cannibal tomato’s wife missing","Because Tomater" +"We've completely child-proofed our house","But the little buggers keep getting back in" +"Out to dinner with in laws and I dropped 2 for 1 After few drink my brother in law attempts to tell the rest of the family about a Sous Chef he knows. He had been drinking so it came out as Shoe Chef . I quickly responded, I bet he makes some good hush puppies. I got chuckle from some and a hearty laughter from the others","When that died down I said Nevermind, I won't eat those hush puppies, they might be laced" +"Son: Did you get a haircut","Dad: No I got them all cut" +"TIL the meaning when someone says Break a leg","They're hoping you're gonna be in a cast" +"My mother has always been a bit of a dad-jokester We were visiting an old-growth rainforest and walking along a path when we spotted an old tipped over tree which couldn't have been made into a better likeness of a giraffe if someone had carved it. She looked at me sideways and slyly quipped, I guess you could say we visited","Giraffe-ic Park" +"How does Nasa organise their parties","They planet" +"Have you ever tried to eat a clock","It’s very time consuming" +"Where do Mortal Kombat characters go to learn fatalities","Finishing school" +"I tried to impress a girl by putting my foot down on the pedal","It turns out she'd seen a bin open like that before" +"Dad's joke on my mom My dad's the cook in the house. This morning, my mom told my dad I feel like pancakes. Then my dad said, Round and fluffy","My dad then silently giggled to himself while my mom slapped him on the shoulder" +"I once did a theatrical performance about puns","It was a play on words..." +"What’s the difference between anal and oral sex. Oral sex makes your day","Anal makes your hole weak" +"My SO thinks she is allergic to spicy foods and the sun. I told her that couldn't be possible. because if she was allergic to hot things she would be allergic to me","Needless to say I didn't even get a smile" +"Where do you get dragon milk","A cow with short legs" +"If you’re ever feeling sad","Just remember it’s only gravity keeping you down" +"I accidentally swallowed some string last night","I shit you knot" +"I think I am now ready to be a dad","My girlfriend and I were looking for a collar for our cat: Her: I need to find cat collars Me: well hun if you want cat collars just wear something cute and go outside" +"Two fish are sitting in tank","One turns to the other and yells You take the turret, I'll drive" +"Dad, what's a forklift","Food, usually, I replied" +"Discussing my nieces birthday gift with me sister. Sister: I think I'm going to get her a Frozen blanket Me: Don't bother","By the time it gets here it'll have thawed out" +"I should have known better than to flush my wooden shoes down the toilet","Now it's clogged" +"I met this super hot beekeeper the other day","But I guess you could always say, beauty is in the eye of the beeholder" +"I taught a wolf to meditate","Now he’s aware wolf!" +"My 9 year old just hit me with this one My daughter didnt know what an inside joke was","After I explained it to her, she then announces an outside joke must be knock knock" +"Whenever my wife wants me to go jogging, I immediately wrap myself with an American flag","Because those colors don’t run" +"I asked my kids if they liked my grandmother","They said she was a great grandmother" +"After an argument I apologized to my wife for giving her all the butterfly kisses","I told her I was just lashing out" +"Wanna watch me pee","Urine for a surprise" +"I'd never live in the north pole","It's all south from there" +"What terrain do men play football on in space","AstroTurf" +"Like a moth to a flame. [Just now. ](http://imgur","com/a/ktO1a)" +"kleptomaniacs and dadjokes Q: Why can't you tell puns to a kleptomaniac","A: They always take things literally" +"I can tell by your eyes you teach kindergarten. Oh yeah. How'd you know. You have small pupils","Told to me by the octogenarian Navy vet at breakfast today" +"My drug dealer got me. Dude, how high are you.","6'3" +"I'm not sure if my dad coined this joke but. My dad keeps a [Kentucky State quarter](http://imgur. com/Jz4dr3V) in his pocket at all times. He will pull it out of his pocket and hand it to somebody. When they look at it, he will ask if they know what kind of horse is pictured","Once they respond with whatever breed they think it may be, he responds with No, it's a quarter horse of course" +"What do you call a can opener that's been broken","A can't opener" +"What do you call a man with a rubber toe","Roberto" +"How many cubic meters of dirt are in a hole that's 243. 8 yards deep and 7. 3 feet in diameter. None","There isn't any dirt in a hole" +"Ever hear the story about the invention of the nap","Somebody fell asleep during the day, and the *rest* is history" +"What is Forrest Gump's password","1forrest1" +"I happily dad joked my fiancé. While on her way to work, she texted me saying she only put deodorant on one side","To which I replied, At least you won't smell half bad" +"What do you call a camel with three humps","Humphrey &#x200B; (hump three)" +"What do you call it when you murder a friend","Homie-cide" +"How big is an AT-AT on Star Wars","Four Imperial Feet" +"What happened to Guns 'n Roses' tour bus when it got a flat tire and had to be jacked up for repair","Its axle rose" +"What happens when you shatter your funny bone","You crack up" +"I know senior year usually flies by","Didn't think it would Zoom" +"An African lady named Betty walked into a butcher's shop and asked if they sold any chicken","The man behind the counter sang NOO Black Betty, ham or lamb" +"So I forgot to pay my exorcist","I got repossessed" +"My dad gave directions to my sister who was getting off the train from college He tells her to go out the doors, turn left and walk down the road. My sister texts back, Alright","My dad then looks at me and starts to type into his phone, No all left" +"There's no P in swimming. But there is P in swimming pool","^^^Stolen ^^^from ^^^/r/talesfromtechsupport" +"Why don't melons run away and get married","Because they cantaloupe" +"As I was preparing breakfast for my sons, they both said they wanted pancakes. As the first batch was almost finished, they began to argue over who would get the first pancake… I said, “If Jesus were sitting here, he would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait","’” Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus" +"Last night my bf asked me to hand him the blankets. As I pulled the comforter over him I said, I got you covered","I proceeded to laugh for 1 solid minute, he did NOT think it was funny" +"What is a type of Italian ham that helps you fall slowly","Parachuttio" +"Why do palaeontologists hate renewable energy","They only like fossil fuels" +"Me - flashlight under chin They say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago","(100 years ago) Witch - Fuck this house" +"This is what pushed him from moms husband to stepdad On a rainy day this morning he said","I tried to catch some fog, I mist" +"My wife is mad at the fact I don’t have any sense of direction","So I packed my bags and right" +"Pneumonia. Is just an updated version of","Poldmonia." +"Jason Bourne. is reliving the same day over and over in Bourne Again . travels to the past to stop a terrorist attack in Bourne yesterday . finally settles down and has a baby in New Bourne . de-evolves into a feral beast who prowls the wilderness in Bourne to be Wild Firstly, I think they really missed a trick naming these films. Secondly","I *know* there are more of these" +"Elderly dad dishes out a zinger at the hospital This son wheels his 80+ year old dad into the pacemaker clinic and the nurse yells HOW ARE YOU FEELING","The dad reaches out his hand and whispers with my fingers" +"Works every time. Casually grabs my shirt sleeve and gives it a feel with his thumb and pointer finger and asks: Dad: Hey, is this felt. Me: No. Dad: Well It is now","" +"My brother threw a milk carton at me today","How dairy" +"Chemists never get anything wrong","They have all the solutions" +"What did the bread maker say to his wife","I knead you" +"Wife dropped this gem. Why is there a hornet on that flower","It's a wanna-bee" +"Just dadjoked my brother Brother: I hate when you're constantly reading dadjokes at /r/dadjokes Me: You seem grumpy, are you tired. Brother: Yes, I'm tired","Me: Hi Tired, I'm CakeCruncher" +"Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step","I think I’m being stalked" +"Me and my boyfriend haven't had much sex lately I told him that I was hungry","He replied with hi hungry, I'm horny" +"Recent Conversation with my Earth Systems (Geology) Teacher Us having a pure hear-say conversation until this point: Him: Yeah, no, suicide rates are definitely going up in celebrities. They were awhile before Robins died actually. Me: Oh. Him: Yeah. Just recently, some girl stabbed herself in her trailer's kitchenette. She was in *Walk the Line*, blonde blue eyes an- Me: Reese Witherspoon. Him: No, with a knife. Me:","You win this time" +"What do a stick and honey have in common","They're both sticky" +"Shepherd: Did you get all the sheep in. Sheepdog: Yep. All 30 of them. Shepherd: We've only got 28 sheep","Sheepdog: I rounded them up" +"I said to my kids, Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf","but he didn't listen" +"When do werewolves meet to duel","At High Moon" +"Driving by a cemetery, my dad delivered this classic. Dad: Do you know how many people are dead in that cemetery","Me: I dunno, maybe a thousa--- Dad: ALL OF THEM" +"My dad got me this morning. I was pouring some Krave cereal and I finished the box. I then told him: Is it ok that I just finished the box","He then replied with: I'm o-krave with it" +"[NSFW] Christmas Sex It's almost Christmas. The kids are finally sleeping, and it's late. I'm tired, but feeling the itch, and my wife must be too because she's as eager as I am. So close to finishing. We're panting. She's gasping Oh come. Oohhhh come. Oohhhh come. My sleep deprived brain could only come up with one response","All ye faithful" +"I was trying to figure out how to play the official. Rick. Astley board game. But the instructions just said, “You know the rules, and so do","I.”" +"Dad;*walking around with a shirt with corn on a cob printed on* Me; What are you wearing","Dad; its my crop top" +"I was at a furniture store Someone said oh they have satin sheets. I said that's weird, who sat in them","And got that look we all love" +"Son: Dad, what’s your favorite rock group. Dad: If I’m being subjective, I’d say The Who","But if I’m being objective, I’d say The Whom" +"Someone asked if I was Russian","I said I'm not, I'm taking my time" +"What is a surfers least favourite kitchen appliance","A Microwave" +"How do bees welcome their guests","They buzz them in" +"Where did Godzilla find the perfect home","Godzillow" +"What’s brown and sticky","A stick" +"Why don't we hear much about the Norse God of mischief","He's low-key" +"One of my friends doesn't understand logarithms no matter how I try to explain it to them","They're having an exponential crisis" +"You know, dad jokes really should be called","Pop-Corn" +"A recent study shows that the number of people who enjoy horror films has gone up by more than 30%","That’s a frightening statistic" +"Dad said this at a Japanese restaurant a few nights ago So my family and I were out to dinner a few nights ago and I was talking about how in Japan the restrictions on Kobe beef are different from the rest of the world, so when you order it in many restaurants you're not actually eating Kobe beef","My dad's response to this was that it wasn't actually Kobe beef but LeBron beef" +"I got my dad with this one. We were at Walmart browsing through the hams, my dad was looking for turkey ham. Dad: Turkey, turkey, where's turkey. Me: Turkey","I think that's in the middle east dad *we share a hearty laugh*" +"I've been working tirelessly all my life. Because","I wasn't born with wheels" +"Music jokes aren't really my forte","They're more like my piano" +"Why does a chicken coupe only have two doors","Because if it had four it would be a sedan" +"Two crows walk into a bar","The cops rush in and arrest them for attempted murder" +"I saw three holes in the ground. And","I thought to myself 'well, well, well.'" +"While buying hiking shoes at REI Saleswoman: what kind of socks are you planning on using. I recommend wool or synthetic due to moisture. Me: I have some smartwool socks. Saleswoman: those are good, I would take them. Me: well you can't, they're mine","I giggled profusely, she looked like she was trying to figure out how to explain herself to a moron" +"What do you call an adventurer that gives out money. Indiana Loans","#10 year-old joke" +"Walking around some outdoor shops yesterday. we passed by a [decorative stone speaker](https://images-na. ssl-images-amazon. com/images/I/81ptciuY3UL. _SY355_. jpg) playing some music. My three-year old: What's that","Not wanting to let the moment slip I simply replied: Oh, that's just some rock music" +"What does a clock do when it's hungry","It goes back 4 seconds" +"How do u seduce a farm girl","A tractor" +"I yelled, “COW. ” at a woman on a bike As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow","I tried" +"I have seen some crappy posts in this sub so here are some gems. Rubies,. Diamonds,. Emeralds,. Opal, and","Sapphire" +"I got them good at the dinner table. So, both my dad and my little brother got back from trips recently. My dad, from Europe, my little brother, from his band trip up in Boston. As we discussed the trips, my little brother told us all about how the band buys up an entire plane in order to get enough seats. Him All the seats were band, it was awesome. Me If all the seats were banned, how could you sit there","After which I was told to eat in my room" +"Two guys walk into a bar","The third one ducks" +"I wasn't sure when the sun was coming up","But then it dawned on me" +"How does a cat cut its grass","With a lawnmeower" +"Why are fat kids such good children","They're well rounded" +"Girlfriend and her roommate talking about their thin friends. GF: Makayla is so thin, I want to look like her. Roommate: Yeah but that's just her genes. GF: I want her genes then. Me: So do I, do you know where I can get a pair","I'm looking forward to fatherhood" +"Can you believe Trump wants to ban shakers of parmesan from supermarket shelves, only allowing it to be sold in wedge form","He says he wants to make America grate again" +"Dad: 'Did you know that all the people who live around here aren't allowed to be buried in that cemetery. ' me: 'Really. why not","' dad: 'Because they're not dead yet" +"I think this qualifies as a dad joke https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=4eMLcNMeU-Q" +"What do you call therapy for farm animals","Cow-nselling" +"Whenever. I'm feeling down,. I watch 'The. Emperor's. New. Groove'. It helps","Yzma pain." +"Me and my dad were driving along the highway, then he slowed down Me: What's wrong. Why did you slow down. Dad: The tires. Me: Did they go flat or something","Dad: They're tired" +"Why did the duck dine and dash","He didn't want another bill" +"Why do a lot of nurses go to college at the North Pole","It’s where the Icy U is" +"Knock knock. Taught this one to my 3 year old son. He's been entertaining the neighborhood with it. Knock knock Who's there. Ya Yahoo","No, Google" +"How long does it take light to greet you","A wavelength" +"The main difference between reddit and. Facebook. One of the main differences between. Reddit and. FB is that in","FB only your friends get to ignore you where as in reddit everybody else get to ignore you." +"Ending childhood obesity is easy","It's as easy as taking candy from a baby" +"This is my. Step. Ladder. I never knew my. Real","Ladder" +"Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer","Because he couldn’t see himself doing it" +"Dad and i got my brother Dad: what are you eating for breakfast. Me: Ebowl'a cereal Dad: starts laughing Brother: I don't get it. Dad: Well I sure hope you don't","Edit: shitty formatting" +"What music are balloons scared of","Pop music" +"Just. Went. To. A. Restaurant. Selling $500. Grape. Flavoured. Steak. Damn, that place was really. Rasin the","Steaks" +"What's the best drink for your eyesight","ICEEs" +"How does an attorney sleep","First they lie on one side, then they lie on the other" +"Geology rocks, but","Geography is where it’s at" +"Got the daughter with one yesterday My 15 year old was lamenting the fact that her mother wouldn't go let her see Deadpool. I told her You know, when I was about your age, I snuck into my first movie. She looked hopeful, Yeah, you did. I said Yes, it was about pirates. It was rated 'Arrrrr'. She gave me a flat stare and asked Why are you like this","" +"I'd tell you a holocaust joke but","holocaust jokes aren't funny, anne frankly I don't appreciate them" +"Where do volcanoes go to the bathroom","In the lava-tory" +"My newspaper subscription is a joke","I don't get it" +"did I do it right","my wife and I saw a clown and she goes I hate fucking clowns and I said then don't fuck em" +"Geez, Dad, you're so cool I'm like Kool-aid . *ten minutes later dad runs back into the room* No. Wait. I'm cooler than Kool-aid. I'm iced tea","He still calls himself iced tea under his breath sometimes" +"The office threw me a party for my 32nd birthday","The party didn't last very long" +"My horse almost died","Thankfully she's now in a stable condition" +"My uncle is an OG dad, schooling us all Blatantly stolen from my Uncles Facebook page (link in comments): Uncle: I'm proud of myself. Instead of goofing off this summer, I chose to go back to school and better myself. I enrolled in a course and have spent the past few weeks in intense study, finally passing the final exam today with a score of 100% - a score that I'm pretty sure they don't see too often. It's not often that I toot my own horn, but this time I think I really deserve it. Thank you to everyone who helped me achieve my goal. Friend: Congratulations. What subject. Uncle: It was Traffic School. Speeding ticket","The system wanted me to fail" +"I'm throwing a scary movie party this year. Going to call it Netflix","and CHILLS" +"A friend of mine once jumped on her bike and started singing greensleeves","I think she was on her minstrel cycle." +"I asked Siri suggestions for things to do on a lazy afternoon","Turns out that there’s a nap for that" +"What's a Leprechauns favorite type of music. Me: Sham-Rock and Roll","My Dad: That's so funny it has be Dublin over with laughter" +"Why don't bears wear socks","Because they have bear feet" +"How did the hay get out of jail","It made bale" +"Why did the broom win the dance off","He swept away the competition" +"I asked my dad about the origin of Western Philosophy. He said: I don't remember much of it","It was all Greek to me" +"What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water","It’ll be a minute before I get hard, I just got laid by a chick" +"I dadjoked my stepdad the other day Where I work, I come across interesting names. While I was over at my parents' house, I was hanging out on the back patio with my stepdad while he was making dinner and I told him about one name I came across that day: Jericho. Me: Jericho seems like a bit of an off-the-wall name, if you ask me","Stepdad: *pauses, busts up laughing*" +"Have you heard about these new corduroy pillowcases","they're making headlines" +"I caught my son spray painting graffiti, and he tried to deny it","But the writing was already on the wall" +"Why did the jalapeño ask for the window to be closed","He was a little chilly" +"Whenever I hear young people say, “I can’t even","” I think, “That’s odd" +"My ex is going through a hard time so I decided to send a food-focused care package","Fed Ex" +"My dads dad joke. Thought I’d share this classic joke my dad came up with yesterday. It wasn’t just the poorness of the joke it was also the timing, making jest in what should have been a sorrowful situation. Anyway, my mum came back from hospital and confirmed what we all thought in that she had arthritis, my dad’s immediate reaction was. ’’well it could have been worse, you could have had fullthritus’’ It was met at the time by silence and groans but deep down I was proud","" +"Why do giraffes have long legs","It would look funny if they just floated and didn't reach the ground" +"Dog biscuits Went to the gardening store today as I needed some stuff for the garden (duhh), anyways when I get to the counter there's a small basket with some fancy ass dog biscuits. I grab a small crumbly bit and chew on it, and then tell the cute girl behind the counter. You know what. These things don't taste like dog at all She looked aghast at me, and started laughing like crazy, and got some weird looks from her manager","I should have got her number" +"Where did the vikings dogs go after their death","Ballhala" +"We had a moment of silence, and these two guys in front of me said. Guy 1:","Guy 2:" +"Mom was making coffee after a steak dinner","I'll have some De-calf after De-cow" +"Just got Dadjoked by my girlfriend My girlfriend has come down with a cold, and was in the process of blowing her nose when I asked her how she was. She replied 'It's snot very nice, but who nose'","I have to marry her now, right" +"My wife got me good We we're out shoe shopping earlier and she couldn't find anything she liked","Me: I think we're going to have to chalk this one up as a loss Her: I will never except de feet" +"Me:. Can we get seafood. Dad:","Seafood what about b food" +"I asked my dad how many tablespoons are in a cup. He said 16, and asked me how I didn't know that already","Then he threatened to send me to conversion therapy" +"Which animal can jump higher than a building","All of them, buildings cant jump" +"A dad I work with asked me if I wanted to see a picture of his pride and joy. and pulled [this](http://www. mindwerx. com/files/imagecache/node-view/Pride%20and%20joy","JPG) out of his wallet" +"So, 3 nazis walk into a. BAR","And they all die" +"Why can’t a dinosaur clap","Because he’s dead" +"Having been raised without a dad, I never realized there was a void in my life until you all filled it. Thank you. In appreciation, I present the only dad joke I've experienced firsthand. Friends and I are playing Mario Kart 64. Friends' dad comes in. Who wants icecream. All of us * Me me I do. * What flavors do you want. * Cookie dough. * * Rock Road. * * Strawberry","* Ok, I was just wondering" +"I just ate bread from the worst Bakery in America. I'd take you but","There's no-knead" +"My english teacher would always say this","When someone asks can they go to the bathroom he would say if you can't urine trouble" +"What did one strawberry say to the other","If you weren't so fresh we wouldn't be in this jam" +"What do you call a comedian with a bad disease","Malarious" +"I gave away all of my dead batteries today","Free of charge" +"I’ve started investing in stocks: beef, chicken, and vegetable","One day I hope to be a bouillonaire" +"I was offered $3. 50 for a dozen chickens","I could never agree to sell them for such a poultry sum" +"Son: I'd like a lie in","Dad: Can't you be happy with a dog like the other kids?" +"I cant believe they are still together after all that shit between them. Friend: Who","Me: My buttcheeks" +"Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off","It reads “Small medium at large" +"Last week, I witnessed a bad, single vehicle car accident. There was a bloodied man lying on the road. As I got closer, I could see that he had cuts all over his body. I offered to help him out, but he said that he was actually a surgeon, it wasn't as bad as it looked, and he was in good enough health and spirits to do everything on his own","I replied Fine, suture self" +"Gardening with my parents. when I was younger, and my dad asked me to fetch me the hoe","Neither him nor mum were impressed when I called mum over" +"Dad: Hey son did you know that there was a kidnapping at a school today","Son: What happened Father: The teacher woke him up" +"Are these fiddles or violins. They're fiddles","Violins is never the answer" +"Everyone keeps telling us that our newborn is “sooo tiny","” We were worried a first but her doctor says she should grow out of it" +"A horse walks into a bar and grill. The bartender says, hey. The horse says, neigh. But I'll take some Quick Oats for the road","The asphalt in the corner says, thanks" +"My wife is on a tropical fruit diet and our fridge is full of strange stuff","It’s enough to make a mango crazy" +"What do you call a hairy pumpkin","A Sas-squash" +"I once knew a guy who could make masterpiece artworks using only steaks","It was a rare medium well done" +"A group of ravens chased individual crows until the crows were cornered together","In other words, a conspiracy of ravens premeditated a murder of crows." +"How do game developers get back with their exes","They patch things up" +"I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles today. My next bowel movement could spell disaster","As seen on Gab" +"I. Was. Reversing. In. My. Car. The. Other. Day. And. I. Thought. This. Takes. Me","Back" +"My optometrist says that I have a screw loose","But I just can’t see it" +"Asked my friend about his smoking habit. I asked him if he smokes his cigarettes with applewood or hickory","He laughed but the people around us didn't" +"Checking into the hotel, and the man at the desk asks what brings us into town","Dad: Well, the car" +"We live in a world where there are 7 Star Wars movies that have opening crawl","Then there is a Rogue One" +"I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with","She said, Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights" +"I don't trust stairs","They're always up to something" +"Mom got my dad with this classic Tonight my mom was baking her famous Babka bread for Easter. Dad: are you going to bed honey. Mom: not yet. I'm waiting for the bread to bake. Dad: how much longer is it going to be","Mom: I'm using the usual dishes, so still about 12 inches He still doesn't get it" +"Why don’t aliens come to visit our solar system. Cuz when they checked the reviews it only had 1","Star" +"I am your father. He's only 4 months old but I can't wait to use this","My son's name is Luke" +"Whenever my dad encourages me to take risks and try something, he says Seize the carp. My mother freaks out whenever she hears him say that because she hates it and she's sick of it","I think it's hilarious" +"I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage","The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity" +"After you die, what part of you body is the last to stop working. Your pupils","They dilate" +"Strugglng to get your wifes attention","Just sit down and look comfortable" +"Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas","It's an abomination" +"A photon of light checks in to a hotel . the bellhop asks: any bags","the photon: nope, I'm traveling light" +"I'm like the fabric version of King Midas","Everything I touch becomes felt" +"What did mama corn say to baby corn. Where's popcorn","I know, it's a corny joke" +"Probably the best one I've ever made, really proud of it. [Pic](http://puu. sh/hoBRt/2c8f34e797","png)" +"What do you call two medics","A pair-a-medics" +"What do you call an alligator in a vest","An investigator" +"My wife made me proud with this one I told my wife that there was a bunch of crows in our backyard eating a small bird","Her reply: so there was a MURDER" +"Why is it so hard to call someone in China","The country’s so full of Wings and Wongs that every time you Wing you get the Wong number" +"What does Spock say when he changes a fluorescent light bulb","Live long and phosphor" +"My Russian co-worker I once asked a Russian co-worker Are you really Russian. To which he responded yes","I then said Well, what's the big hurry" +"I used to think there was only 25 letters in the alphabet","I don't know Y" +"My friend ate a lightbulb as dinner","He said it was a light meal" +"What's brown and rhymes with snoop. Dr","Dre" +"Want to hear a joke about paper","Nevermind it's tearable" +"Have you heard the rumor going around about butter","Nevermind, I really shouldn't spread it" +"A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar","Now that's a sweet ass" +"My ex-girlfriend's dad turned 50 and bought himself a Sebring convertible","He was having a midlife Chrysler" +"Is it bad I keep telling dad jokes before I'm a father","I'm worried it's a faux pa" +"If you went to a concert for 45 cents, who would play","Fity cent and Nickelback" +"I dadjoked my algebra teacher Professor: Students always tell me they're scared of math and I can't find why. Me: Set x to zero Professor: What","Me: You said you can't find y It was hard to hear his response over the sound of eyes rolling" +"Why do detectives have such bad posture","Because they always have a hunch" +"Dad: I got a PS5 for my son","It was the best trade I've ever made" +"I just got a new job at Old McDonald's farm as the chairman of the board","I'm now the C-I-E-I-O" +"Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side","I mean, imagine all the peepholes" +"My six year old sister is a freaking genius I was trying to cook an egg in the microwave because I’m extremely lazy, and it (unsurprisingly) exploded","So she looks at the exploded egg, looks at me and then says: “ aha, it *eggsploded* ”" +"I used to work at a cannon factory","but I got fired" +"I saw a girl who was grinding wheat. She looked like she kneaded help but","I’m sure she’ll be *fine*" +"I had a game of quiet tennis today","It’s just like regular tennis but without the racket" +"What does the farmer say to the cow at night","It’s pasture bedtime" +"Was making roast lamb for dinner and dropped the tray out of the oven","It was a ca-lamb-ity" +"Wife dropped this one while watching a commercial for Botox Like title says, during a commercial for Botox to treat migraines, the wife casually states. Psht, Migraines. I think it's all in their head","She promptly received a high five" +"What did the scientist say when his fridge got down to -459 F","That’s 0K" +"A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff","Baa-Dumm-tss" +"Why don't bald people use keys","Because they don't have any locks" +"What flavor of cake do rich people enjoy the most","Karat cake" +"Just got given one star from my uber driver. All","I said was, thanks for the lyft" +"Did you hear about the guy who lost half his body. He's all right now. There's nothing left to worry about. &#x200B; What you see is all that's left","It just isn't right" +"My dad says “here’s another one for the page. ” I said “Dad, I can’t just keep spamming the page with a bunch of Dad jokes. I have to spread them out. ” Dad: “It’s just two jokes. That’s hardly spam","It might be baloney but it’s not spam" +"What can you find a lot of in a dumpster behind a Paris McDonald's","French Flies" +"What's the difference between an outlaw and an in-law. Outlaws are wanted. Friend's dad hit me with that this morning","😑" +"Whoever invented the knock knock joke should get a prize","The no bell prize" +"Hear about the kid who tryed to catch some fog","He Mist" +"Xenon and Argon walk into a bar, and the bartender says “We don’t serve your kind around here","” They don’t react" +"Why didn't the vampire bite Taylor Swift","Because she had bad blood" +"So I got robbed today","I wasn't too mad, but then I lost my shit" +"The man stood, took off his back brace and said","I stand corrected" +"Why is yoda so good at gardening. Because he has two green thumb","Edit: has not had" +"I was tired after a long walk today. So instead of walking back I asked my son to call me an Uber. He said, OK","You're an Uber" +"Kanye. West is producing the first studio album of his daugher. It will be called. North, by. North","West" +"How do you sell a chicken to a man that's deaf. You say HEY YOU WANNA BUY A CHICKEN. &#x200B; My personal favorite. I love to tell it at quiet events","Weddings, church service, funerals" +"I went to the zoo today, but there was only 1 dog in it","It was a shitzu" +"Simba was walking really slowly. So. I told him to","Mufasa" +"you know why men in movies remove their glasses when checking out a woman's figure","because hindsight is 20/20" +"Which days are the strongest","Saturday and Sunday- the rest are weekdays but Saturday and Sunday are where the weekends" +"Two atoms walk into the bar. One atom says I think I lost an electron. The other says","Are you positive" +"My friend has a strong prejudice towards people who have no feet","I think he’s lack-toes intolerant" +"My friend changed his name from. William to. Lawrence. That’s how a. Bill becomes a","Law." +"Why is 'dark' spelled with a k and not a c. >. Because you cannot see in the dark","<" +"My son refused to go to sleep last night so. I sent him to jail","For resisting a rest" +"I didn’t like having hair before","I guess its growing on me now" +"What did Shakespeare say when buying toilet paper. 2-ply or not 2-ply","That is the question" +"I went to a pirate conference the other day but they refused to serve food to any of the parrots…","It was a polynomial function" +"Classic dad at a restaurant My dad is the king of dadjokes, especially in public. His specialty is bantering with waitresses. The other day we were finishing dinner at a restaurant, and dad still had quite a bit of food on his plate. The waitress came up and said, Do you wanna box. to which he replied, No, but we could wrestle a few rounds",":)" +"I don't catch buses They are too heavy. Got told this by a guy fundraising when I said I couldn't stop to chat, had to get my bus","I wanted to turn back and donate just because of that xD" +"I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program","I've ever seen" +"Did you hear the one about the Rastafarian who had hemorrhoids","He had mad bumbum clots" +"My son's favorite joke. I buy my hand guns from a guy named 'T-Rex'","He's a small arms dealer" +"You can walk instead. -_- So I never really had a father figure nor Have I ever met my dad but this was something a friend said to me that definitely would be a dad joke. Happened on LoL Friend: Hey Me: Sup Friend: Nm, want to play a couple games. Me: Uh, Give me like 20-30 minutes got to run up to the store. Friend: Alright, you can walk though","Me: -_- Thanks Dad" +"Will people get upset if I post something political here","something political" +"How come redheads never break stuff","They do everything gingerly" +"Why can’t thermometers be wrong. Because then they’d be therdadometers","Told this one to my wife she seemed to like it" +"Why is it called Lactose","Because cows have hooves" +"9/11 was not an inside job","The planes hit the buildings from outside" +"My friend couldn't afford his water bill","So I sent him a get well soon card" +"My father once told me: Son i'm so glad I had a son over a daughter. When you have a boy you only have to deal with one dick; if you have a daughter you have to deal with a thousand","I love my dad" +"Off-camera, James Bond must be really bad at his job","Because they demoted him back to being inspectre" +"Halloween in a bar I work in a bar as a doorman, so I check IDs all night. The night before Halloween I had a group of people come in the wrong entrance so I had to wander to them to get said documentation. Upon approaching a dancing slice of pizza and giving her the usual, ID please line, she responded, I don't have ID, I am a slice of pizza. By some sort of divine inspiration my instant response was, will this is a bar not a restaurant, we don't serve pizza. Her entire group collectively groaned, I got to see her ID the night was saved","One dad joke at a time" +"I hate when people spell 'your' when they mean 'you're'","There so stupid" +"What do you call a guy with a rubber toe","Roberto" +"What do Kermit the Frog and Henry the VIII have in common","They both have the same middle name" +"Talking about alcohol with my friend, and he pulled a dad joke Me: *I need booze","* He then Yells: *BOOOOOOO" +"What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman","Snow balls" +"Does anyone here like jokes about soccer","I get a kick out of them" +"Got my student with this one today Students were working on a research project about how different inventions work. One student is researching door bells and looking for a book. Student: where would I find a door bell","Me: next to a door" +"How do you have a party in space","You planet" +"Cannibalism:","You eat what you are." +"Why can't a bicycle stand on its own","Because it's two tired" +"Super Smash Bros. 4 My buddy was making different custom Pikachus on SSB4 and he made one for defense, speed, and attack. I say to him, I guess you have a lot of those to pikaCHOOSE from","He hit me" +"Ate a frozen apple earlier","Hardcore" +"I told my wife and 7 year old that I meme a lot","because it memes a lot to me" +"Who established the Knights of the Round Table. Sir Cumference My dad has just gotten my 3yo son to tell me this joke","I'm not old enough for him to be a dad yet" +"Where do you go if you get hurt playing peek-a-boo","ICU" +"The internet connection in my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn","Now I have stable wifi" +"What do you call a Frenchman that wears sandals","Phillipe Phillope" +"My dad stepped on a mine in. Vietnam and blew off his left arm and left leg","Now he’s alright" +"What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up","The mean increases" +"So at work I was offered a course about time management","But I was too busy to go :(" +"What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle, and a well dressed man on a bicycle","Attire" +"A bug hit my windshield today","I bet he wont have the guts to do that again" +"What did Gordon Ramsay about the corned beef","ITS SO CHEWY IT COULD FLY THE MILLENIUM FUCKING FALCON" +"I went to the local Italian with my huge girlfriend. On the way in, she got stuck in the door","I couldn’t get pasta" +"Just saw the first sign of spring on a tree","What a releaf" +"Who am I. Dad: (while holding his hands like 2 OK signs over his eyes with his eyes peeking through the holes) who am I. who am I. Me: uhhhh, I don't know Dad: it's me, dad","man, these things DO work" +"Whats the opposite of Christopher Reeve","Christopher Walken" +"I got dad joked by my manager on the dairy farm I work at It was a busy day we had a whole bunch baby cows born today and our calve pens are now completely full: Me: If we get any more calves this barn is going to turn into a mad house","Manager: Yea any more babies and it will be complete and udder madness" +"Why do killer whales never make friends with other species","They're too orc'ward" +"I saw the image of Jesus on my burrito and instead of taking a picture, I just ate it","A few hours later—- Holy shit" +"Which American state has a lot of topless photos","Nude Jersey" +"Overwatch on Twitter with the knee slapper [Thanks Dad](http://i. imgur. com/IiApgXf","png)" +"My 7YO daughter came out of nowhere with this gem. 7YO: Daddy, why didn't the skeleton cross the road. Me: I don't know. 7YO: Because he didn't have the guts to do it","Me: (laughter and seal claps) Wife: (gives me the look )" +"I fell right into his trap Dad: what's a pirate's favorite letter. me: is it RRRRR","Dad: You'd think it be RRRRR but what us pirates love most is the C" +"What do you call a bee who can’t make up his mind","A maybe" +"My little girl asked me today, “Daddy, do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time","'” I replied, “No honey, some of them begin with ‘If I’m elected" +"I just stepped on a cornflake. I guess I’m a cereal killer","[Spoiler]" +"Girlfriend asked me 'how do I look","' I said 'with your eyes'" +"Why are people in Taiwan's capital so serious","They all have Taipei personalities" +"If you watch Bohemian Rhapsody too many times, it might cause damage to your nervous system","Because of the unusually high Mercury content" +"My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more","I call them boo merginues" +"How did the pervert cross the road","He was stuck to the chicken" +"My son told me off today because I'm always turning things into a joke. So have I made myself clear. he said","I replied, No, I can still see you" +"Opened the door to our hotel room and found a kitchen and living room. I turned to the wife and said This room is suite","She actually laughed" +"A piece of string walks into a bar. A piece of string walks into a bar, sits down at the counter, and orders two shots and a beer. The bartender says I'm sorry, we don't serve string here, so the string walks back out. He comes in again later, and this time sits at a table, and again tries to order two shots and a beer. The waiter says I'm sorry, we don't serve string here, so he walks back out again. This time, before going back in, he ties himself in a knot and ruffles up his hair. He walks back in, sits at the counter, and the bartender says, Hey, aren't you that same piece of string that was in here earlier","and the string says I'm a frayed knot" +"How can you tell how fast your potato is going","You just check the spud-o—meter" +"What do you do with a sick chemist","If you can't Helium, and you can't Curium, Barium" +"Why did the guy from New Jersey have trouble sleeping","He'd always wake up too oily" +"My luggage got searched while I was trying to smuggle a load of sausages out of Germany","It was the wurst case scenario" +"A cow once climbed Mount Everest","Ever since then, the steaks have never been higher" +"“Hey, dad, did you get a haircut","” “No, I got them all cut" +"Dad joke pun the GF hit me with this morning regarding blue jeans While putting on a pair of jeans this morning before work, I remarked to my gf something along the lines of I've had these jeans for years, they're so old. To which she replied: Yeah I can see that, they look like they've been in your family for generations","I'm still absolutely floored with pride" +"I can’t believe it’s been more than a hundred years since Einstein proposed his Theory of Relativity","It feels like it was only yesterday" +"Me to my wife taking about our soon to be first child's genetic traits: I don't understand how genes work. only shorts","She didn't laugh" +"Village Idiot Puns Way back when I was a kid, for my school's Renaissance Faire-esque fundraiser, I went around wearing a sign that read Vilage Idiot . When guests asked why, I'd reply, I wasn't always the village idiot. * “I used to be a tailor. but it didn't quite suit me. It was only a so-so job. ” * “I once was a lumberjack. but I couldn't hack it. so they gave me the axe. ” * “I was a fisherman too. I just couldn't live off my net income. ” * “I thought about being a witch for a spell. ” * “I tried being a chef. but I just didn't have enough thyme for it. ” * “I was a musician once. but I didn't accomplish anything noteworthy. ” * “For awhile I was a doctor. but I didn't have the patience to keep it up. ” * “I once was a accountant. but I lost interest. The job was too taxing. ” * “I tried moonlighting as a nun. but I confess, they didn't like my altar ego. or my bad habits. ” * “More recently, I was a baker. but I couldn't make enough dough at it. Guess I wasn't bred for the job. ” * “Heck, I was even king for a day. but I didn't have any crowning achievements. ” . And so now, here I am: village idiot, just like my father was. Ah. my father, he was the best village idiot we ever had. It's hard living in his shadow sometimes. You see, my father was a complete idiot","I'm just a half-wit" +"How much does a picture of cocaine weigh","An Instagram" +"Met a lovely korean girl","Shes my seoulmate" +"The fire chief walks in on two firemen having sex The chief yells, “what the hell are you guys doing”. The first fireman replies, “when I walked in he was out cold from the smoke”. The chief replies, “why didn’t you try mouth to mouth","” The second fireman looks back and yells, “how do you think this started" +"My 4yo son made me proud We were talking about our new gas pizza oven. My mother: We just have frozen pizzas","My son: I like my mine hot" +"I had a great zoology tutor back in college called Mrs Turtle","She tortoise quite well" +"A joke about. German currency. Why doesn't. Germany just call their currency","Ger-Money?" +"To be or not to be","That is a pencil" +"Why should you never iron a four leaf clover","You don't want to press your luck" +"Where do Pirates love to shop","At a yarrrd sale" +"Today, a girl said she recognized me from Vegetarian Club","But I never met herbivore" +"How are Pornstars paid","Income" +"I can row a boat","Canoe" +"I want a small bowl of soup","Just a ladle bit" +"2 parrots on a perch","One says to the other, Can you smell fish" +"My wife wants me to remodel our staircase","I told her I'd need a step-by-step guide" +"My kids love the show paw patrol Anytime the song comes on, I ask them were all the trolls are. I never see any trolls, which is strange considering the show is about their papa. They are only 3, 5, and 7, but that joke is always good to make them laugh","No daddy, you don't understand" +"I know a lady that used to be a nun","She kicked the habit" +"What did the Mexican fire fighter name his twins","Jose and hose B" +"I'm bored of all the predictable. McGregor/Mayweather puns on this sub","You guys really need to think outside the box" +"My husband won’t talk about the house he’s building","I’m worried he’s putting up walls" +"I didn't win the donkey catching contest","I got my ass handed to me" +"Never challenge Death to a pillow fight","Unless you're prepared to handle the reaper cushions" +"My father got me alot when I was younger with this one. What did the man say to the monkey when the monkey got his tail caught in a door","It won't be long now" +"The security checks at Prague airport are done by security Czechs","BTW I originally posted this on shower thoughts but thought you guys might like it too" +"Heard this one from a couple of friends: Friend 1: Whats Bruce Lee's favorite drink. Me: What","Friend 2: WAH-TAH" +"My kid has been spending too much time reading books about language lately but I hardly know what he’s talking about anymore so I had to take them all away","I think he has a problem with a diction" +"It was so painful having to put my pet dog down today","I might have to get my back checked out" +"What did the grape say when it got stepped on. nothing","but it let out a little Wine" +"The firehouse pole is tilted","I guess I'll just let it slide" +"Those counter top companies are taking money","For granite." +"I don't understand why Major Victory isn't a more popular hero","Seems to me with a name like that he'd be a big win" +"A new restaurant has opened near me called 'Subtraction'","They also do takeaway" +"A man tried to turn his belt into a clock","Then he realized it was just a waist of time" +"I was sitting on the toilet, angry and late for work this morning","I thought to myself “I don’t have time for this shit”" +"Whenever I go fishing, I switch my playlist and listen to","Something catchy" +"My wife was eating a date. She asked how you can tell if a date has gone bad","I said usually the first sign is a lack of conversation" +"“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses","” “No son, have you seen my dad glasses" +"What candy is never on time","ChokoLATE" +"My son ran in the house and exclaimed that he'd seen a bee outside Me: Did it sting you","Son: No Me: Well at least it *bee* hived itself Son: Daaaaaaddd, that is **not** funny" +"If I had $1,000,000, I’d donate a quarter of it to charity","Then I’ll have $999,999" +"My girlfriend's AC is broken so I'm moving out","I love her air-conditionally" +"Classic dad joke at dinner last night. My name is Paul and I cooked dinner for the family last night for my son's birthday. We were talking about the food and my brother-in-law (who is also a dad) turns to me and says yes, it's cooked to paul-fection","Many groans were had" +"Dad, did you get a haircut","No I got them all cut" +"You should always fear a pirate duck","He has the power to unleash the quackin" +"Did you hear about that Italian who fainted","They say he pasta out" +"What was Captain Picard's favorite kind of train","N-Gauge" +"Do you know why astronauts make the best comedians","Their sense of humor is just out of this world" +"I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday","I wasn't putting in enough shifts." +"Why is your nose in the middle of your face","Because it's the scenter" +"Daughter said it was cold in the house. Daughter: It's kinda cold on here, are you chilly. Me: No, I'm T-boz, your mom is Left Eye. So I guess that makes you Chilli. (Wife sighs) Daughter: That's doesn't make any sense. Me: It's okay","Don't go chasing waterfalls, stick to the rivers and streams that you're used to" +"Got the wife with this one Me: Pass me the beef stock please","Wife: Why don't you look for yourself in there (reffering to the cupboard) Me after a few minutes: Nope can't find myself in there" +"Don't play hide and seek with mountains","They are always peaking" +"I was arguing whether a koala is a bear. They have fur like a bear. They climb trees like a bear","As a matter of fact, they have all the koalifications" +"I heard eating dried grapes was good,. Now","I'm raisin awareness" +"I told my wife her eyebrows were drawn too high","She looked surprised" +"My dad on my mom's nightmare My mom had a nightmare where a chair chases her","My dad upon hearing it said, it must have been pretty fast, it does have four legs" +"What do you call two exploding monkeys","A couple of BA-BOOMS" +"Composers do not fap","They ***MAESTROBATE***" +"My wife told me that 75% of communication between couples is based on listening. I said Really","I've never heard that before" +"How long did Cain hate his brother","As long as he was Abel" +"Most people know that after swimming into a wall the fish said Dam. But what did the dam say","Dumb bass" +"If I'm not actually a father myself, can I tell Dad jokes","Cuz he could really use a laugh right now" +"What does a statistician DJ do to raise the crowd's spirit","He drops the Bayes" +"Why do they call me spider at work","Because I'm a web developer" +"Elon Musk says Mars will need everything from iron foundries to pizza joints to nightclubs: Mars should really have great bars. The Mars Bar. This was a legit quote from Musk at South by Southwest","He followed it by saying I love dad jokes" +"A local man was shot with a starter pistol","Authorities say it was race related" +"Which company's CEO once said I have changed the face of mankind the most","Gillette" +"Publicly embarrassed the wife and daughter today. We were pulling up to a coffee shop with a fairly crowded frozen yogurt store named Sweet Frog next door. My daughter upon getting out says The frogurt store is slammed","I seized my opportunity replying to her with Don't you mean the frog-urt store is hoppin" +"What do you call a good mum","An optimum" +"What washes up on Tiny Beaches","MICRO-WAVES" +"The letter ‘t’ has just been banned","We’ll never hear the end of it" +"I'm concerned about grave marker and tombstone sales","It just seems like a dying industry..." +"What do you call unborn twins","Womb-mates" +"What do you call a retired German soldier","A veterinarian" +"Cranes must be really great dates","They have the best pick up lines" +"Why do innocent bakeries get mad by unwanted incoming calls","Because they are on the doughnut call list" +"What is the biggest room in the world","The room for improvement" +"I got turned into a werewolf recently. I've gotta say,","I'm really lycan it so far." +"Fiancé said I look hot in black. I replied by saying thats because black absorbs the most heat","Eye rolling commenced" +"Walked by a store in the mall called Q… And my wife says, I like Q","To which I respond, Yeah, I like you too" +"Got my son a bike for his birthday","He wheelie likes it" +"My mom just moved into a brand new condo and is having a company come take measurements of the windows for new blinds/curtains. My mom to my dad, I'm having two blind people come tomorrow to measure the windows","My dad in response, I'd really prefer someone that can see what they're doing" +"My 6 year old dad joked me My 6 year old son came running into the room and said, Dad is your shirt blue. Yes it is buddy. Why don't you cheer it up then","And then he left the room" +"What do you call single cheese","Provolonely" +"What do you call a dead magician","An abracadaver" +"What vessels sail the waters of the Chinese internet","Censorships" +"First Fathers Day Dad Joke My first fathers day. Went to my parents and saw the 45yo neighbor walk out of his house with a new Bike. I say 'happy fathers day', he says 'same to you. i just got a bike. haven't ridden one in over 20 years, hope i remember how to. ' I reply 'Oh i'm sure it's just like riding a bike, you'll remember. ' He continues to walk away with his bike, no smile, no laugh, no comment","I am officially a father" +"I have a dog named Devil. Yesterday, Devil bit me","It hurt like hell" +"Most comedians are good, trustworthy people","Yep, they're a bunch of stand up guys" +"I work behind the desk at a veterinary office, and an older gentleman was checking out after having his dog's eye examined. * Me: Alright, here's your receipt, and be sure to give us a call for the recheck appointment. Keep an eye on his eye. * Dad: (slowly grins) Are you being punny. * Me: (laughs) * Dad: Aye Aye captain, have a good weekend","(leaves) * Me: (speechless)" +"Why did the man bring yogurt to the symphony","He wanted to be more cultural" +"My wife showed me a picture of a room with a tree painted on the wall. We had been looking for ideas for a kids room. She said I can get behind this (referring to the painting of the tree). I said you can. But, it's two dimensional","" +"measures of success. Dad, I'm","(pause) Dad, I would like to eat some food" +"Two antennae fell in love and got married","The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!!!" +"What did the earth say to the other planets","You have no life" +"A joke walks into a bar. Bartender: I was waiting for you","Finally, I Metajoke" +"I created an account with a constipation help website","I really like it, but I can't log out" +"My wife and I are perfect, we joke together, travel together, and get this: she even helps me put on my professional outfits","She really suits me" +"My friend was petsitting for her neighbor. Friend: While I was cleaning out the iguana's cage, it escaped. I started chasing it and when I managed to grab onto its tail, it detached","Me: Oh no, sounds like you had a reptile dysfunction" +"I don't understand why people dislike reckless drivers","I think it's great that they've never gotten in a wreck" +"What did the scientist say when he found two atoms of helium. HeHe. my biology teacher told this one in class. i was the only student that found it genuinely funny. the class was silent, besides me. i was laughing. really hard",":'(" +"Why was Darth Vader upset when he heard George Michael will only play new songs at his concerts","He found his lack of Faith disturbing" +"Went to a 50 cent concert that cost only 45 cents. It was featuring","Nickelback" +"Did you hear about the guy who went to rehab for his braille addiction","Now he doesn’t touch the stuff" +"Woke up and my girlfriend wasn't home so I sent her a text. Me: Where are you. Gf: I've been kidnapped. Send help. Me: Help","Gf: I'm going to kill you" +"My friends are digging a hole in the ground to get water out of","So I sent them a 'Get well' card" +"My friend has this weird addiction where he walks into a room and takes the batteries off all clocks","He claims he can stop it at any time" +"My sister wants her nose pierced At dinner my sister told my dad she really wants a hole in her nose","My dad replied, You've already got two" +"What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year","A trophy" +"Help I'm announcing a high school soccer banquet tonight and need some dad jokes Greeting, I'm the MC at a small high school soccer banquet this evening and need some humor help. I play rugby and my son plays soccer so any little digs I can get about that would be helpful too. We are American and I don't know any pro soccer player so please refrain on specific players","Thanks in advance" +"Simon. Says for adults. Simon","Says flashing orange left turn only light, green arrow left two lanes and red lights." +"Tried to learn to tap dance. But","I kept falling in the sink" +"The movie. Finding. Nemo is actually really deep","You know, because it's in the ocean and all." +"Two women were sharing the same. ID card. Sharon is","Karen" +"The man that created Velcro has passed away","RIP" +"My girlfriend caught me cheating last night","She said that’s the last time she’ll play split screen with me." +"It’s really hard for me to say this, but","The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" +"My dog just returned from college","With a ped-degree" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school","Don’t worry, he woke up" +"People live forever","Or they die trying" +"What do you call an artist who's always on the move","Vincent Van Go" +"My grandpa said he was going to get his license or die trying He passed away waiting to get his picture taken True story, he was known for rapid firing bad jokes. He had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Milwaukee Zoo. I think it was the best way he could have gone, pulling one last joke over on all of us","Figured you all should know some people are really committed to the r/dadjoke lifestyle" +"My old vacuum cleaner broke","It didnt suck." +"My kids keep telling me to stop pretending to be butter","But I'm on a roll now…" +"In which zone would you find Calvin","The Calzone" +"Why can't a penis be 12 inches long","Because then it would be a foot" +"I was using some power tools and my dad hands me binoculars","He said I needed some supervision when working with dangerous tools" +"My brother turned 45 and decided to buy a bunch of insurance he didn't need and couldn't afford","Typical MetLife crisis" +"My gf's dad came through with this one Her: What's mom's favorite wine. Dad: There are a bunch","Probably You never take me anywhere" +"Building up a sweat I tried exercising, but I was allergic to it. My skin became flushed, my heart raced, and I got all sweaty and short of breath","Very dangerous" +"“New phone, text me so I have your number","” You’ll need to use glasses then, since you lost your contacts" +"M/19 Help. Caught myself saying this one today. /r/dadjokes I need your advice. I was talking to my friend today, asking him about his plans. He casually told me I might go to the gym, but probably not, I'm running late . To which I replied Well, you can run a bit later. What does this mean. Am I a dad now. Has that girl I slept with at Christmas time had a baby and not told me","Thanks for your advice" +"What did the police officer say to the hand. Stop","You are under a wrist" +"My dad on fire fighters My dad and I were sitting at the table just now when a bunch of emergency vehicles raced past my backyard with their sirens blaring. There were at least a dozen fire engines and ambulances. A few minutes later, they all drove back the other way with their sirens turned off. While we were trying to figure out what was going on, my dad said, Must have been a false alarm. I responded, Maybe it was some kind of drill","My dad got *that* look on his face, and he said, Fire fighters don't use drills, they use axes" +"What did the robot say to his dead robot friend","Rust in peace" +"The leopard escaped from the zoo","but it was spotted immediately" +"What do you call a nautically themed latin pop singer","Sharkira" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. it wasn't that big of a deal, He woke up. Don't act like you haven't dozed off in a history class before","" +"Kid's birthday party My earliest recollection of a dad joke is when I was about 6/7 years old. We'd just waved bye to the last guests at my party. Understandably, my parents were beyond exhausted, but tidied up anyway. After all was done, we sat in the living room and my dad pulled out a chair from the dining room. He then brought another, and placed it next to it. He did the same again. I had no idea what was going on, until he sat across all three, threw his hands in the air and shouted: Three chairs for dad","Absolute quality, textbook dad" +"Why didn't the mexican go Bow hunting","Because he didn't habanero" +"I don’t want to be swamp stressed","I want to be marsh mellow" +"I have a large brown mole on my forearm - do I need to get it looked at. http://imgur","com/gallery/vNoFX" +"My 5 year old bit her tongue the other day. I asked her Did it taste good. which just got more crying","my dad jokes are improving" +"To be grammatically correct, it really should be Samsang. Or, Samhadsung. Past participle vs","past perfect" +"What is the best season to sell Life Alert","Fall" +"Wonder if dad will trot this one out this year How does King Wenceslas like his pizza","Deep pan crisp and even" +"In. Alabama, we don’t do the. Reverse. Cowgirl. We never turn our back on","Family" +"A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender. Where is everybody. This place is usually packed this time of day, the cowboy says. The bartender replies, They've gone to the hangin'. The hangin'. Who are they hangin'. Anybody I'd know. Brown Paper Pete, says the bartender. Never Heard of him. Why do they call him Brown Paper Pete. the cowboy asks. Well, says the bartender, he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, a brown paper vest, and brown paper shoes. Well I don't reckon I know anyone like that, says the cowboy. What're they hangin' him for","Rustlin' says the bartender" +"I will find and punish whoever stole my highlighter","Mark my words" +"What did the stoned eggs say to the frying pan","Om-lit 🔥" +"Got the GF at the movies She wanted to see How To Be Single. The main character is a paralegal. She moves into a nice apartment in NYC. GF leans over. Her:how can she afford that. She's just a paralegal. Me:she probably makes more than one legal","Groans and eye rolls to follow" +"My mom is a great dad Context: Actual dad is sitting in the living room, setting up his new deep fryer. Dad: Shoot. I dropped a nut on the floor. Mom: Well get yourself up off of the floor","Dad: We've been married for too long" +"What do you call carnivorous bread","Meatloaf" +"Daughter nailed it this weekend. I’ve been telling my #2 daughter dad jokes from this sub every day. She got me back this weekend. As we were walking to the National Mall in D. for the Earth Day concerts on Saturday we noticed that the Smithsonian was having the National Math Festival. She says – What do you do there","Solve math problems and eat Pi" +"Subtle dad joke from Pulp Fiction http://i. imgur. com/Vczge0H","jpg Possibly NSFW language" +"What's a surfer's favorite religious book","Duderonomy" +"What do you call a female trumpet","A trumpette (May also work for baby trumpets" +"The police are looking for a man who is running up to strangers and blocking the sun from reaching them","They describe him as a shady character" +"I ran into my ex girlfriend at the gym","We didn’t work out" +"A doctor says to a patient “Have your eyes been checked. “No doc, they’ve always been blue”","The patient replies" +"The Muppets teamed up with NASA to name a newly discovered celestial object","Upon its first sighting, the Jim Henson Company issued a press release, Comet Defrog here" +"My son unintentionally dad joked my dad So my dad (known as gramps) has taken my kids for a week for a fun summer vacation. While they were all eating at a restaurant, he texted me a conversation that took place: Kid: How do I know when my chocolate milk has expired. Gramps: Look at the cap","Kid: Wow, they got this at best by" +"What's cheaper, deer nuts or beer nuts","Deer nuts, they're under a buck" +"My Dad would point to a cylindrical building we live by and say A man went crazy in there","Couldn't find a corner to pee in" +"I was looking for rubber snakes in Dad's Toy Store","I found them in the rept-aisle" +"What is Bruce Lee’s favorite beverage","WHHHHHHAAAATUUUUhhhhhhh" +"Got my girlfriend when I chose not to say something, to avoid the dog house. Her - Say it. Me - It. Her - No, say what you were going to say. Me - What you were going to say. Her - No. TELL ME what you were going to tell me. Me - What you were going to tell me","My arm hurts now, and I'm in the dog house anyway" +"My wife said she wanted to get a tattoo of a skunk","I told her she better get a good artist so it doesn't stink" +"My wife told me to add ketchup to the shopping list before. I go to the store…. I don't know why since now","I can't read what it says…" +"Please God, let me have some Japanese noodles","Ramen" +"My coworkers told me that I have a problem understanding how contractions work. I said whatever","It's what it's" +"Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road","It was stuck in a crack" +"What type of flooring is found inside an automobile","CARpet" +"Why do giraffes have long necks","Because their head is really far away" +"My father dropped this off. https://imgur","com/a/D0ucj Bonus: there's some tasty irony if you can spot it" +"Did you know there's a book that teaches you how to upvote dumb jokes","But it seems you already reddit" +"80% of people who post here don't understand what a dad joke is. It takes lots of Dad-ication and years of Pun-ishment","To some it my seem im-Pa-ssible to learn how to make a good dad joke, But keep practicing and one day you may become Pop-ular" +"What do you say to your sister when she's crying","Are you having a crisis" +"Have you dads started doing yoga lately","Because y'all are stretching for some of these" +"Why was the boy covered in wrapping paper. Because his mom told him to live life in the present.","I hate myself for this" +"Justice is a dish best served cold","If it were served warm, it would be justwater" +"What do you call a rock that doesn't go to classes","A skipping stone" +"Have you seen this flexible string that dances","It's very knotty, roped me right in" +"What do you call a strong pumpkin","A Jacked-o-Lantern" +"You matter","until you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared" +"I was carrying my ukulele around in its case and my friend asked, You play an instrument. I replied, Yeah, I play a little guitar","" +"Why was the stadium so hot","Because all of the fans left" +"In which my dad helped me select an appliance Me: Dad, do you have Consumer Reports. I want to look at refrigerators. Dad: *points at fridge* There's one","I gave him a high five while my mom rolled her eyes" +"Camping in the desert. Mom What if we get visited by cougars tonight","Dad Don't worry, they'll probably want younger men" +"Just finished watching a documentary on how ships are made","It was riveting" +"I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him","I guess that's what I get for having a pure bred dog" +"Carly. Rae. Jepsen comes home from work. Dad: HI","MAYBE!" +"When, roughly, does. Sean. Connery arrive at. Wimbledon","Tennish" +"Nurse taking out my bedpan after #2s. Told nurse she had a crappy job. Rest of the patients groaned","(not sure if it was all my joke or they were just in general agony)" +"I was having trouble walking across the parking area","I was going through a lot" +"Je ne sais pas I went to french immersion school when I was younger. One of my dad's favourite things to do was to ask me and my brother what je ne sais pas means. We would then say I don't know","My dad would then proceed to complain Why am I sending you to this school if you don't even know what je ne sais pas means" +"Only redditors with high","IQ should see this this" +"Which one has more missiles, the. Ohio-class or the. Typhoon-class","Sorry, wrong sub" +"Hit my dad HARD with this one. We were talking about math and pythagorean theorem and such. This happened when we were talking about the fastest way to get to point A to point B. Dad: What's the fastest way to get from 1st base to 2nd base","Me: Buy her flowers" +"I've just pickpocketed a dwarf. Can't believe","I stooped so low" +"The waiter walked over to our table. He said, 'Are you ready to order. ' I said, 'Yes. I would like the steak. ' 'How would you like your steak. ' he asked","I said, 'On a plate, preferably" +"My dad never makes jokes, then hit me with this one I was walking out of a restaurant and had my hands full. Me: Dad, could you get the door. Dad: I could, but I don't think it will fit in the car","He laughed all the way down the street" +"So my I mentioned euthanasia to my mum. And my dad burst into the room saying what's this about kids in China","(Talking about a recent storyline in the soap Coronation Street)" +"Have you guys heard about corduroy pillows","They're making headlines" +"My friends dad after peeling a bag of potatos. Holds up the shavings to us and in his thick. New","York accent says disapealing to you?" +"Dad Hot Chile Peppers Mom: how were The Red Hot Chile Peppers. Dad: did they give anything (it) away","Dad: put that on Reddit" +"I made a joke about. Captain. Hook finally winning, but it flopped","Apparently some people don't like dead pan humor" +"Hey guys, careful working out this weekend","There's a strong possibility that you'll get Hurrigains" +"Watch for Falling Rock Falling rock signs along roads on mountains. D: Did you see it","Slowest falling rock there is" +"My daughter, in a fit of anger, called us mean parents. She was right","We are average parents" +"While camping with Dad Kids, you can't run through a camp ground","You can only ran, because it's past tents" +"My dad never slept on the floor","It was beneath him to do so" +"Did you ever wonder about all of those screwdrivers","Do they really belong to Philip" +"What did the shot-tempered doctor say to the cannibal","“Stop trying my patients" +"Why did the calendar worker get fired","Because they took a day off" +"My wife's dad joke My wife was folding a bunch of towels yesterday and I asked her, Having fun folding all those towels. She looked over and said, Yeah actually. I guess I'm","Itowelian" +"My wife to my son: You're a good speller, just like your daddy","Me: We're called wizards, not spellers" +"Street lights are good friends","They are always pole-light" +"Why is the road afraid of the bike lane","Because it's a cyclepath" +"Why are teddy bears never hungry","They're always stuffed" +"Just read that FED X are merging with UPS and now will be known as","FED UP" +"What does a scuba diver wear to sleep","A SNOREkel" +"What did one wall say to the other wall","I'll meet you in the corner" +"Hey son, can you pick me up some fruit at school. Son: Fruit. What kind and why. Me:Some Chemis fruit. Son: Chemis fruit. I've never heard of that. Me: It grows off the Chemis Tree","Son: Argh" +"Someone called me average today","That was just plain mean" +"What's the difference between a potato and a chickpea","You wouldn't pay to have a potato on you" +"My friend can’t remember the name for ninja stars Sure he can I thought","&#x200B; Credit to u/phillip_gloomberry for revising the joke" +"A termite walks into a bar","He slams his fist down on the bar and says “Where is the bar tender?”" +"What do you call a Nun that rides a bike","Virgin Mobile" +"When you're just swimming by, and an eel bites your thigh, that's a moray. (I used to sing this to my kids when they were young",") (They're in their 20s now, which I consider young" +"Why was Genghis able to conquer China","Cause his name was Genghis Khan not Genghis Khan't" +"A grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says, Hey, we've got a drink named after you","Grasshopper says, Why would anyone name a drink Bob" +"My wife just said, It's over, and started walking out on me. I just sat there","I really enjoyed watching the end credits, tho" +"Got my dad while gardening today Father: (fed up with the tool he was using) Have you seen the old hoe anywhere. Me: Yeah, I thought you said she was doing the laundry (referring to my mother)","we both laughed uproariously followed by periodic chuckles over the next hour while gardening" +"Why do people in the Arctic build their own tables","No Ikea" +"It would be impossible to host a professional hide n seek tournament","Since good players are hard to find" +"There is a tap at the door","Let that sink in" +"Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo","We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds" +"Why was the moon almost broke","It was down to it’s last quarter" +"After my failed attempt at growing vegetables this year, I've decided to become a music producer","I've got a ton of sick beets" +"Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth","Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said, “Nobody puts baby in a coroner”" +"There are three types of people in this world","People that can count And people that can’t" +"I went to the bee keepers to buy some bees. All the bees had price tags on them except one","It was a freebie" +"What's Iron Man's worst nightmare","Wrinkled shirts" +"My fingers always go numb on the ride into work","Pretty sure it's carpool tunnel syndrome" +"My dad always pulls this one in restaurants Waiter/waitress approaches, and they politely say, Hi my name is (name) and I'll be your server today. My father always responds with, Hi (name), my name is (my father's name) and I'll be eating here today","Every time, he never fails to say it" +"I tried to take a photo of some fog","I mist:)" +"I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt","It was a soft drink" +"[NSFW] Got my wife in bed this morning. So we were talking about sex. Wife: I love my sex. Me: You mean female . Wife:","Me: ha ha ha ha ha Wife: You know, the worst part is that you laugh uproariously at your own joke" +"My chronology book finally came in","It's about time" +"Took my ten year old to the dentist","The dentist told me he had a tooth decade" +"True story I went to return a T-Shirt to Banana Republic today. The item wasn't on my receipt so they asked me to swipe my credit card to see if they could find it in my purchase history. Cashier: Hmmm, that didn't work. Sir, would you mind re-swiping, I want to try your card again","Me: It's a T-Shirt, not a cardigan My 13 Year Old Son: 🙄" +"My grandpa's favorite: What's the white part of bird poop. It's poop too. My grandpa was the master of dadjokes","Miss the old coot" +"What’s the difference between a tuna, a piano and a glue stick","You can tuna piano but you can’t piano a tuna" +"I asked a friend to dispose of my daughter’s nappies. He refused","He wasn’t taking any shit" +"Like Manfather, like Manson This comment seems relevant to the original post and this thread: http://www. reddit","com/r/pics/comments/2xq5e8/marilyn_mansons_dad_surprised_him_at_his_recent/cp2fajm" +"My kids say I’m hopeless at fixing appliances","Well, they're in for a shock" +"Why are Pirates in the best profession","They just arrrr" +"conjuctivitis","com now that's a site for sore eyes" +"Did you hear they are making a movie about a man that gets intimate with a clock","My opinion, it's about fucking time" +"What part of the keyboard do astronauts like the most","The spacebar" +"What do you say about a Hobbit that won't shut up","He's *Tolkien* your ear off" +"Why do Marxists drink herbal tea","Because proper tea is theft" +"Shout-out to all my self-aware beings out there","You know who you are" +"My new boss told me that he expects me to be on call 24/7","but I don't really mind as the 24th of July is ages away" +"Finally got to return the favor and dadjoke my dad. I was watching Michael Collins, a movie about the Irish war of independence, when my dad walked into the room. Oh Michael Collins is on, when did it start. He asked Around 1916 I responded He groaned and then walked out of the room. After many years I have finally gotten him back","This is a pretty big moment for me guys" +"Dad just landed this one a few minutes ago. Hey dad I like those shoes. Who makes them","They're Tommy Bahamas but he doesn't know I have them" +"Scientists have learned how to send humans into the future. Unfortunately, the process causes the subject's bowels to release uncontrollably","It's a real blast from the past" +"How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach","Its not hard" +"Sting was kidnapped","The police have no lead!" +"I had a dream last night that I was a car muffler","I woke up exhausted" +"What did the French Trademarker say to his partner","J'™e" +"I was walking down the street one day and someone threw a jug of milk at me","How dairy" +"I'm sorry. Which Chinese dynasty is known for never being right","The Wong dynasty" +"Met up with my ex for coffee. Was just catching up and the topic of her new roommate came up. She's just so petty you know. I don't understand how her boyfriend deals with her. Maybe he's a pettyphile",":)" +"A clown held a door open for me the other day","It was a very nice jester" +"People say. I'm not quite a fool","I'm fool-ish" +"Amanda, don't you mean. Context: My mother's name is Amanda My and my parents are sitting in the kitchen, getting ready for dinner. My Mom asks me to grab something from downstairs. Me: uh, you're so demanding /s","Dad: Don't you mean demanda" +"Every single time. Every time we enter a restroom. At home, church, bar, movie theater, etc. We walk upto the urinals and with that stupid smirk you only get when you're about to tell the most funny joke ever; loudly for everyone to hear he says: This must be where all the Dicks hangout","25 years later, It still gets me" +"Who is the only U. president who is completely not guilty","Abraham Lincoln, because he is in-a-cent" +"My. Mother is overly short and tries to keep the things she does to absolute zero","We call her minimum" +"Which is the tastiest of the noble gasses","Heli-yum" +"What do you get when you cross an LCD screen and a reptile","A monitor lizard" +"In a. Hurry","While driving past the cemetery my mom says oh look they're building new grave plots and my dad responds people are dying to get a spot in there" +"Soccer joke from my 10y: what’s the difference between Germany and a tea bag","A tea bag spends more time in the cup" +"Bought a high definition dessert today","it was a creme blu ray" +"Rabbits make the best beer","They really know their hops" +"Dad hit me with this one this morning. I walked right into that one. Me: This is how I woke up this morning. http://i. imgur. com/yxKLzMz. jpg","1 Dad: You're fuzzier than I remember" +"How Long is a Chinese man’s name","No, it actually is" +"I taught my one year old how to tie his shoes today","KNOT" +"So one of the guys at work saw a killer whale. He said he watched it go up and down the coast for a while","I told him it was a good thing he hadn't been in the water - that could have been orcaward" +"Why do they call them apartments","If they're so close together?" +"Husband got me with a double-whammy Set-up: I'm reviewing an essay for a classmate and his grammar is lamentable. I'm giving my husband some examples. Me: He switches tenses mid-sentence and keeps using begin instead of began. Husband: The problem with people like you is that you're always too tense. Me: Then get over here and give me a massage","Husband: No, I believe in women's rights and would never want to be massage-onistic" +"Had a friend named Rex who asked for a drink","So I Asked would you like some tea Rex" +"Wanna hear a joke about paper","Nevermind, it's tearable" +"What did the nut say to another nut that it was chasing","I'm a cashew" +"Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off","I think I'm being stalked" +"So. I farted in an. Apple store and everyone got mad","I said too bad they don't have windows" +"I'm addicted to brake fluid","but I can stop anytime" +"What do computers and air conditioners have in common","They both become useless after opening windows" +"We were watching chopped. It's perfect that he is a Jamaican chef wanna know why","People that walk into his kitchen can ask, 'what Jamaican" +"Why should you never fight a dinosaur","Because you’ll get jurasskicked" +"Today my wife said I would love to go to the south of. France one day . I said that would be","Nice" +"(In Scottish Accent) What's wrong with Mickey Mouse's helicopter","Disneyland" +"What's the difference between a coyote and a flea","One howls on the prairie and the other prowls on the hairy" +"Massive protest spread across Madrid earlier today to protest the nation's Supreme Court ruling that bans tattoos","Nobody accepts the Spanish ink decision" +"Yesterday i walked into a hardware shop and spoke to the cashier - Got any two watt bulbs. - For what. - Yeah that'll do. I'll take two - Two what. - I thought you didn't have any. - Any what","- Okay then" +"The power went out in my building and when I asked what happened, the maintenance guy said, “The Transformers blew","” I said, “Yeah, it was a bad movie, but what’s that got to do with the power" +"Why do people in Athens hate waking up early","Because Dawn is tough on Greece" +"My wedding was so beautiful","Even the cake was in tiers" +"Got my friend while watching Mulan Was watching Disney's Mulan last night with some friends. It was toward the beginning of the movie, right when Mushu (the dragon voiced by Eddie Murphy) is introduced. At this point, I cleverly quipped, Looks like Mulan is about to get her drag on","Groans aplenty" +"Whats the word for something a transgender person has done. A","Transaction" +"What website do robots go to. Cyb","org" +"Older brother dad joked his coworker today. A new African American employee of his walks into his office and asks Do you guys have a colored printer here","To which he responds, Dude it's 2015, you can use whatever printer you want" +"Whenever my kids complain about being too tired. Oh No","You're turning into a bicycle" +"I sit on a hill, and put my head on my knees","That's how I roll 😎" +"Sometimes when my kid wants to play hide-and-seek and. I want to watch the ballgame on. TV,. I let them go hide while","I sit on the couch and count to nine innings." +"What did the sign say on the outside of a brothel when it was closed","Beat it" +"My Brilliant Humor is Wasted on the Young This happened today. I'm at park/playground with my kid. He's playing, I'm throwing a ball for my dog. Three little girls, maybe around 10 years old, run up. Can we pet your dog. Me, Sure, would you like to throw the ball for her. One of the girls takes the thrower and chucks the ball. It goes a long way. Me: Wow, great throw. Girl: I've got my dad's arms. Me (already laughing on the inside): Really. What does he use. They stare at me","Sigh" +"Why did the judge get fired from the restaurant","He served just ice" +"Even When He's Alone. So I'm near our kitchen (but not in it), and my dad is in there by himself. In the middle of the silence I just hear him say Tupperware. Tupperhere. And just start giggling to himself","Amazing how they just do it even when they're alone" +"Did you hear about the Italian chef","Sadly he pasta way" +"I thought I had arrived at the Third Eye Blind concert","But apparently it was three doors down" +"I tried to learn how to ride a unicycle today","I just couldn't get a handle on it" +"How do you tell the testes from the seminal vesicles","There is a VAS deferens between the testes and the seminal vesicle" +"At the end of his quest the prince realized he should never have eaten that mushroom","That is the morel of this story" +"My 7 year old got me with this one at dinner tonight. What do you call a bear with no teeth","A gummy bear" +"What’s Owen Wilson’s favorite game","Wow" +"At first I was afraid when my wife asked how do I look","With your eyes I said with a grin" +"I just dad joked my dad. My dad got sharp white cheddar cheese as a gift. Dad - Hey Vinnythepooh come try these cheese and crackers. Me - (stick cheese in my mouth and start chewing) Ouch, oh shoot that hurt. Dad - What happened. Me - That cheese cut me it was so sharp. Dad - You jackass thats my line","Me - (proceed laughing hysterically) I just recently became a dad so I've been practicing my dad jokes" +"Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock knock joke. He won the","Nobel prize" +"Why do cows have hooves instead of feet","Because they lactose" +"I dont trust trees","They seem kinda shady" +"Finally my winter fat is gone","Now I have spring rolls" +"A dad joke from my record store days I used to work at a record store in my younger years (read: my 20's). Im working with my friend Tony and the store is dead. A guy walks in and approaches the counter where we are both standing. After the usual greeting, the guy asks Where do y'all keep the Little Feat . Without missing a beat, I say in little shoes. I break out laughing, while Tony says it's right over here in pop. I'll show you . I continued to laugh for about 20 minutes. Also, no one ever finds this funny","It still makes me chuckle" +"checking Little Harold attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Harold asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that. ' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy","Harold, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom" +"Getting electrocuted","Hertz." +"I dad joked everyone at the public library. http://i. imgur. com/brLHRkP","jpg" +"If you keep shouting you might get a pony","You might get a little hoarse" +"Talking to my co-worker about Indian food. Me: I can't believe you don't like Indian food. I love the bread it's so good. Co-worker: I don't really like bread so. Me: So","I guess that means you are naan a fan *Co-worker proceeds to give me intense glare*" +"I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing","It’s laundry day" +"What does Buzz Aldrin use to keep his house warm","A space heater" +"What's the best type of spoon","I'll tell you ladle" +"What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman","Snowballs" +"I know this guy right. I know this guy right. He went and filled up his tank with fuel at the servo. He didn't put the hose in properly so it click and the 91 fuel splashed back onto him. He didn't think anything of it and just let it dry and went and paid for it. He's a smoker and on the way home from the servo he lights one up and his arm catches on fire. Fuck man, he was freaking out. So he puts his arm out the window to put the fire out. Next thing you know, the po po pull out behind this bloke, lights and sirens blaring","He got pull over and was arrested for an unregistered fire arm" +"For her birthday, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping","She’s in for a rude awakening" +"She's beyond repair. The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her. I said, “No","I can’t deal with high maintenance women" +"Whats thanos’ favorite social media","Snapchat" +"What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet","Supplies" +"I'm not a huge fan of this haircut","But it's growing on me" +"From the archives: back when people taped TV shows My brother: I thought you might get bored being at home, so I taped you some holiday soaps","He handed me a santa- and pine-tree-shaped hand soap, taped together" +"No, you can't plant flowers","If you haven't botany." +"Where do crows go to drink","A crowbar" +"What do you call large waterfowl from Portugal","Portugeese" +"Wanna hear a cat joke","I’m just kitten" +"The secret to having a smoking hot body in old age","Cremation" +"I wanted to name our son Miles but my wife thought we should go with something more universally accepted","So we named him Kilometers" +"Super breakfast [Ooooo dad](http://imgur. com/pyMQ0BY","jpg)" +"When a wizard needs to work on his spells,","He hexercises." +"I tried looking up ice cream puns on the. Internet","But then my browser froze" +"I was named after Hitler My name's Dave and I was named after Hitler","Hitler was named in 1889 and I was named 83 years after him" +"Godfather dad Joke My buddy and I brought in pizza from Godfather's Pizza this past weekend. We walked into his cluttered studio apartment with the pizza and some beers and I looked around for a place to put the pie. His kitchen table had no room; neither did his coffee table. When I asked him where I should put it he told me just to set it down on top of his bed while we made space. Are you sure you want me to put it there. I asked. Yeah, what's the big deal. You want me to put the pizza on this - the duvet of my daughter's bedding","I could hear Brando groaning from beyond the grave" +"So i started dating a girl named bree What a cheesy name","Thanks dad" +"The quality of this sub has gotten worse. I mean, the veggies on it are starting to turn different colors and the bread has gotten stale","How can anyone eat this sub" +"Tailored to fit Why did the tailor get fired","Because he didn't make the cut" +"I just wrote a book on reverse psychology","What ever you do, don't buy it" +"My gf is American and I'm Canadian; I told her if we ever move to the US I'll need to buy a bunch of tank tops","Because I'll have the right to bare arms" +"I always encourage everyone I know to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit","But that’s just my two scents" +"When I was little,my father used to feed me alphabet soup,claiming that I loved it. I didn't","He was just putting words in my mouth" +"Does anyone remember that trend where people would lie face down in random places. I want to sketch someone doing that, but I can't remember what it was called","I'm drawing a plank" +"What’s the difference between a scientist and a plumber","Ask them to say unionized" +"A termite walks into a bar. He asks:","Is the bar tender here?" +"How did the hipster burn his mouth","He ate his soup before it was cool" +"A vegan said to me, people who sell meat are disgusting","I replied, people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer." +"Watson walks in on Sherlock. Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex with a younger looking girl. Bloody hell, Sherlock. What'd you think you're doing bangin' that chick","She looks like she's in highschool Sherlock replied, Elementary, my dear Watson" +"How do you get a farm girl to like you","A tractor" +"Why are hit points so popular","They're the life of the party" +"Did you know during the third. Reich there was a project to produce energy from a certain type of grain. I'm surprised you never heard of","Hitler's rice to power" +"What do they call diseased prison inmates in Ireland","Leper cons" +"Got my entire lab group last week. Our assignment was to swab each of our left hands and then use one of four handwashing protocols, (i. , hand sanitizer, antibacterial soap, etc. ) and come back two days later to observe the difference on Petri plates. So we come back and we're all looking at each other's plates and a girl asks me, Can I see your hands. Where are they. to which I responded, They're right here at the ends of my arms. and held up my hands","The entire group let out a sigh and rolled their eyes" +"What’s Forrest Gump’s password","1forest1" +"What do you call a stupid fish","A dumbass" +"After watching a science program, my son turned to me and said, I'd really like to learn more about buoyancy","I replied, Whatever floats your boat" +"Have you ever eaten an alarm clock","It’s very time consuming" +"I tripped over my wife's bra","It was a booby trap" +"How do you spell 'mississippi' without any 'I's'. Me:. Msssspp","Dad: no, (covers eyes) mississippi" +"May the dadjokes be with you today. What's the internal temperature of a tauntaun. Luke-warm ____________ What did the Stormtrooper say the first time he went into a church. Pew. Pew, pew, pew. Pew, Pew. __________ Why couldn't the Empire find the Rebel Base","They were looking in Alderaan places" +"Say what you will about Vlad the Impaler","the guy knew how to make a point" +"What is a cartographers favorite pair of trousers","Coords" +"Out of all the days of the year","Today is a 10/10" +"My wife asked me: Why have you been reading our marriage certificate for an hour","I'm looking for the expiration date" +"This term kinda gets tossed around","Hot potato" +"Hopefully new Thought of this one this morning: How does Jabba relax","He soaks in the Hutt tub" +"Apparently. I can be pretty condescending","Which means to talk down to people." +"I asked my grandpa, Have you seen all the snow geese that have been around here lately","He replies with a smile, I've seen a few, but I don't know if I've seen all of them" +"Apple just announced a $999 Mac Pro Stand","Just a little extra and it could be a grand stand" +"Why does the Norway navy have bar codes on the side of their ships","So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian" +"Why did the Soviet Union take so long to fall","Because they kept Stalin" +"What would happen if a hippo escaped from the zoo and began running amuck in the streets","I dunno, I don't like hippothetical questions" +"Why couldn't the skelaton dance","He had no body to dance with" +"Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants","In case they get a hole in one" +"My wife warned me to stop taking kitchen utensils. But it's a whisk","I'm willing to take" +"Where does Optimus Prime go for lunch","To the Food Trucks" +"My dad and I are in Las Vegas. First casino we walk in he says to me. I bet you 20 bucks the first machine I go to I'll get 100 dollars. You're on","He then walks up to an ATM" +"Donald. Trump was recently asked why he hates. Indian food so much","He replied I'm not a supporter of naan profits." +"What's the difference between a restriction and a line of people waiting to stroke my cat","One's a curfew The other's a fur queue" +"What type of cheese is made backwards","Edam" +"Spider at a campfire While sitting around the campfire on a cool early morning in the Appalachians, I notice a spider web on the campfire ring and point out how much ash it's covered in. My father then proceeds to say, well it makes sense you know. cause the web comes from his ash","He never disappoints" +"Dad joked my cousin today. He was laughing very hard and said ahh my kidneys . So","I said oh what ever happened to your adult knees?" +"I had a blind dog who hated cats","But he was always barking up the wrong tree" +"Why do teenagers group in three","Because they can’t even" +"Where did the medieval robot go to get a new nose","Ye ol' factory" +"Why did the Libertarian join the nudist colony","Their slogan: Don't thread on me" +"I bought a speaker system this morning","Pretty sound investment" +"Two fish are in tank","One fish says: how do you drive this thing?" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When the answer is apparent ( a parent )" +"What do Spanish people call musical chairs","Desperate-seato" +"My dad said he figured out why he couldn't stop eating. Girl. Scout cookies. Because he always wants","Samoa." +"What does a Jewish man do when he has a sore throat","Hebrews tea" +"Why are Undead Airlines tickets so cheap","They only fly with skeleton crews" +"Driving down the highway in the rain. and my sister complains that the windshield wipers aren't going fast enough for the weather","My dad replies: They're already going 55mph, how much faster do you want them to go" +"What's least spoken language on earth","Sign language" +"People have a misconception that if you take the shell off snails, it will go faster. But they just end up being sluggish. Edit: Don't thank me, the wife laid this one on me just now","I told her was going to post this on reddit, she said we've run out of stamps" +"Just about to eat my soup when. I notice a fly struggling amidst the beef and potatoes. Ew. Me: Dad, what's this fly doing in my soup. Dad walks over, looks over my shoulder at the bowl, and says, Seems to me he's practicing his backstroke. Dad laughs; I groan","The cycle of unending dad jokes continues" +"My mom got me and my dad as we played. Cribbage. Me and my. Dad were playing cribbage and he skunked me (if you're unfamiliar with the game in means he beat me by a lot) so after the game. I say Let's go, one more, redemption is the name of the game my mom from the other room calls out I thought it was called","Cribbage?" +"What’s E. short for","He has little legs :)" +"What's the nosiest pepper","The one that gets jalapeño business" +"We were at a petting zoo when my dad dropped this gem. Man, if you stole anything from here you'd do a lot of time. Why","They'd run you up on kidnapping charges" +"Its a long day I was talking about how long today has been just now with my dad. He asked me What day is it. I told him it was Wednesday and asked him why. He then proceeded to tell me that today was the longest day. I asked him How come","It has 9 letters" +"What is 50 cent's favorite sandwich","Da club" +"I think my wife is secretly putting glue on my antique weapon collection","She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns" +"A man walks into a doctors office. With a carrot sticking out of his nose, a cucumber coming out of his right ear and part of a turkey leg coming out of his other ear. He asks the doctor, What's wrong with me","The doctor says You're not eating right" +"What did the ageing rollercoaster say to the ferris wheel","'I'm over the hill" +"A rabbit used to come up to my front yard every day for food, but hasn’t shown up in a week","Now it’s just some bunny I used to know" +"Anytime we had peas with dinner. As soon as the peas made contact with any surface, my Dad would enthusiastically exclaim that us kids had: Pea'd on the floor , or Pea'd on the plate","He fancies himself quite the comedian" +"What does Batman like in his drinks","Just ice" +"Yesterday I told my steel chain a good joke and it laughed","That was a nice Chain Reaction" +"Girlfriend told me she really is my puppy Me: Why. I wanna bone","Dadjoked by my girlfriend" +"My wife apologized for the first time ever today","She said she’s sorry she ever married me" +"Waitress: How did you find your steak","Dad: I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was" +"Has does Santa list the elves on his tax returns","As dependent Clauses" +"I asked my son if he wanted a sandwich, and he said he didn’t feel like one","I told him he didn’t look like one either" +"My girlfriend and I have had a hard breakup lately. She decided to work for the government","Now she's a FedEx" +"Why did the Jewish visitor eat a bagel","Because Israeli hungry" +"After my uncle had his arm amputated, he named his nub “Saturday","” He said it was his weak end" +"People that have eaten an early breakfast count backwards","They eight before seven" +"Why do the numbers 3 and 5 make such a great team","Because together they thrive" +"My head hurt and. I had a really runny nose during math class","I think i had a sin(x) infection" +"My lab partner invented a device that will steal other people’s ideas and then delete it from their memory","Why didn’t I think of that" +"still not amused. Kid 1 & kid 2 talking and 1 says when I get home I'll just slip on my dress . so I says to her, I says if you think you'll slip on it, why don't you just pick it up off the floor. Kids not amused. Later. 1's working on 2's eyebrows and they ask me to bring them her makeup kit. so I asks what for, have y'all been fighting. Still not amused","I'll keep you updated" +"Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common","No one needed an abba cuss" +"Why did the magician have a candy bar on his shirt","He needed a couple of twix up his sleeve" +"As we were about to leave for an event. My sister: I need to hurry up and go change first","Dad: Don't change, we like you" +"Dad joked my family over Tabasco sauce Mom: Tabasco sauce is made in a place called Avery Island. Step dad: Yeah, it was probably a leper colony. Me: And now it's a pepper colony","*everyone booed me*" +"My dad can be funny. My dad was about to leave the house when he pulls a measuring tape out of each coat pocket and says, I feel like","I just don't measure up to your standards." +"Accidentally told a great dad joke in class the other day. I teach high school math. The other day, December 1st, one of my students was looking at the date he wrote down on the paper he was about to turn in and said, Hey, today's December. And I replied, Yeah, and tomorrow's December, too. The class started groaning at my bad joke, but I didn't even realize I had said a pun until they started groaning","I don't even have children, but the dad in me must already be growing" +"I had a one night stand and I felt awful afterwards","So this morning, I went and got another one for the other side of the bed" +"What does a fruit fry say to another. Let's get on a [date](https://i. imgur. com/HZD52vB","jpg)" +"What’s blue and not heavy","Light blue" +"I don't trust everything bagels","They seem a little seedy" +"dunno if this qualifies but. Try not to beat your girlfriend if you ever find out that she is a whore. You could get arrested for *destruction of* ***public property","***" +"Whenever I see a sign that says something like 'founded in 1889'","I wonder who's the dumbass who losted it" +"Wife got me, and I didn't even see it coming. **me**: Did you hear about the drummer of lynard skynard passed away from a car crash. **wife**: That's so crazy. just the other day, an actress died. Reese something. it happened in her apartment **me**: Was it Whitherspoon","**wife** : ***no it was with her knife*** I've heard it a million and one times, and I always fall for it" +"Someday I'll tell my son I bought him a big ass Lego set for his birthday He'll probably be a little [disappointed](http://i. imgur. com/LdbqvIQ","jpg)" +"I have a rather ironic joke","It’s pretty FEnny" +"Dad: *washing car with son*. Son:","Dad, can't you just use a sponge ?" +"What does DNA stand for","National Dyslexic Association" +"What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left","Bison" +"How do you make a hormone","Don’t pay her" +"What is the most religious vegetable. Lettuce. Because before every prayer they say, “Lettuce pray. ” Note: actually told to me by my dad","Several times" +"My Dad sends a text MAYBE once a month. Then this happened last night. [Usain Bolt](http://i. imgur. com/Fofk4AW","jpg)" +"Is this sub still active. https://imgur","com/XMt8jxL" +"Put it up. I love this one. I went to buy a new picture frame, and when I brought it to the register to pay, the clerk said, Are you going to put it up yourself. I replied, that would be uncomfortable, no it's going on the wall","ZING" +"I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest","It's his altar ego" +"Wow, these kids are going to have a field day. [http://imgur. com/a/z12Uf](http://imgur","com/a/z12Uf)" +"What happens when you touch Dwayne Johnson's butt","You hit rock bottom" +"What do frogs get when they go to France","French flies" +"Bro you want this pamphlet","Brochure" +"What do you call Birth Control and LSD","A Trip without the kids" +"Helen Keller walked into a bar","And then a chair, then a table" +"Why don't chickens wear pants","Because their pecker is on their face" +"Hey son, what are you drinking","Soy milk Hola milk, soy padre" +"Dad joked the husband today in the grocery store We were in the meat section of food world, picking up some food for dinner. I ask, what's the cheapest meat you can buy. He looks up from the grocery list and says, I don't know. Deer testicles. They're under a buck. He audibly groaned and was not amused","Needless to say, I think I'll be doing the grocery shopping on my own for a little while" +"How expensive are baby chicks","I don't know, I think pretty cheep" +"I showed a mime a magic trick","He was speechless" +"What's brown and sticky","A stick" +"I dad-joked some friends at lunch Me and some friends went and got sushi for lunch. A couple of them got their chopsticks out and started having a very competitive drum-off on the table. The drumming intensified and was getting out of hand. If you guys continue this competition, it could have major re-percussions on our friendship They scoffed and continued the drumming. One of them, let's call him Joe, accidentally let go of his chop stick and hit his competitor in the face. Joe","If you aren't careful, you could be charged with battery" +"I tried playing hide and seek in the hospital with my little kids","but they found me in the ICU" +"Scientists have successfully grown human vocal chords in a petri dish","The results speak for themselves" +"I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake. ” I shouted, “Oh come on. Not you too","”" +"Bonfire Night The November 5th Bonfire Night in my town is held at a place called The Stray. I had this exchange with my dad today: Dad are you going to the Stray Bonfire next week. The Stray Bonfire. Yeah. You mean it ran away from all the other bonfires","Damn it, Dad" +"Did you hear about the man who stole all four wheels off a police cruiser","The cops are worked *tire*lessly to find him" +"What did they find in a 3000 year old cooking pot","Ancient Greece" +"Casually walked through the living room aaaanndddd. Dad: *flipping through CD case* what's AC/DC like. Brother: It's a band, heavy-metal type. Dad: so like a strip of lead","Me: *walks out of living room*" +"5 moles are standing in a line. what does the last one smell. Molasses. just saw this one here and spit out my water https://www. instagram","com/p/-z5Bn4sUi2/" +"A pepperoni fell on my shoe","I have a pep in my step now" +"My dog. Minton just ate my shuttlecock. Bad","Minton!" +"My New Year doesn't start for another 2 hours. Don't tell me what happens","I love surprises" +"I stopped watering my lawn, but it still looks great. I'm not bragging","I give credit where credit is dew" +"Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail","She got a full sentence" +"Call me paranoid","But I think all the owls in Peru are Inca hoots" +"What do you call it when it rains quarters","Climate Change" +"How does a robot eat","A bit of this, a byte of that" +"Masturbation is the best way to get your creative juices flowing","That's why they call it a stroke of genius when you finally *come* up with something" +"A friend opened a strip club called the G. Spot","It closed after a week as most men couldn't find it" +"What do 1,000 people say when they're confused","Kilowatt" +"Bakeries do quite well","They are rolling in dough" +"What do you call an organization that donates places to sit","A Chairity" +"I feel bad for people that mow the edges of golf courses","They have a rough job" +"Flame wars and Trolls I have come to the conclusion that the reason for trolls causing flame wars is a direct result of Dungeons and Dragons. See, in dungeons and Dragons, the only way to kill a troll is with fire and acid. So when a troll enters a forum thread, the flame war that erupts is an attempt to kill the troll with fire","I suppose an acid war could also erupt, but those who would use acid seem too stoned to care" +"What’s the diagnosis after swallowing too many Christmas ornaments","Tinselitis" +"My therapist just told me that I have serious trouble verbalizing my emotions","Can’t say I’m surprised" +"I have spaghetti, I have sauce, if only I had cheese","It'd be grate" +"Family and physics have a lot in common","It's all relative" +"I always get really nervous about New Year's Eve","The doctor said I have Auld Lang-syiety" +"Wife said she gets turned on if I blow on her neck during sex","I'm not a fan" +"I asked my son to pick up a pizza I handed him money and a coupon. Later he came home with the pizza and the coupon. When asked to explain, he replied, Dad, I had enough money","I didn't need the coupon" +"A boxer was throwing nothing but right hooks at a punching bag. Trainer walks up and says what gives","Boxer says I'm exercising my rights" +"How do you measure millennials","In Instagrams" +"My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for. Valentine’s. Day","I find it to be a bit cheesy" +"The waiter asked how much soup I wanted","Not too much, I said, just a ladle bit" +"NSFW This was a joke my Grandfather used to tell. I didn't know until after he had passed. My grandfather was always such a jokester/prankster/flirt, so it was only fitting that he passed this year on April Fool's Day. He and I were close, but he apparently never said this joke near me. It was probably a little too mature for me, or so he thought. He used to keep a small rock in his pocket, and when he found an attractive woman, he would always ask them: Hey, wanna see my Sex Stone. They would typically oblige, and he would hand them the small rock. They would look at the small and unassuming rock in bewilderment, and he would say: Well, what did you expect, it's a fucking rock","God, I miss that man" +"What kind of problems does a child with a scraped knee have","Kidney problems" +"Got us at dinner the other day I was out at dinner with my parents a few nights ago, though I'm only getting around to posting this now. For some background, my mom is basically the nicest person in the universe, but my dad, brother and I are all capable of being assholes on a whim as long as we think it would be funny. This came up in conversation, and we got the following exchange: **Mom:** I don't understand how you can be so rude when you live with me. **Me:** You're *too* nice. We have to balance you out. **Dad:** We're regressing toward the mean. It actually wasn't all that bad at first. He didn't over-enunciate mean or anything","It really only became a true groaner once he added the ultimate joke killer: Get it" +"Have you been to the cafe that's owned and operated by T-Rexes. The food is good but the service is slow","They're always short handed" +"it's possible to jump without a parachute from the top of the Grand Canyon all the way to the bottom","But not twice" +"I bought a pair of shoes from my drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but","I've been tripping all day" +"I feel bad for deep sea fish","They have a lot of pressure on them" +"I buy packs of gum just for this joke. Whenever I buy beer I always pick up a pack of gum and then set both on the counter","When the cashier asks me for an ID I respond, You have to be 21 to buy gum" +"What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison","A small medium at large I’m sorry" +"Scarecrows are really good at their jobs","Usually outstanding in their fields" +"Wanna hear a good dad joke","Well don't look at me, I'm a terrible father" +"Why did the can crusher quit his job","Because it was soda-pressing" +"The air conditioning is too cold. My classroom has air conditioning, but it only kicks in on warm days like today. When my fifth graders came in this morning, a couple immediately started complaining. It's freezing in here. I had been waiting for this opportunity all year. I pointed to the corner of the room. Well, if you're cold, you can go stand over there. The corner is 90º. The best part was the chorus of incredulous students shouting really. who then went over to investigate","It wasn't until they pointed out that the temperature was same over there that they realized they had been duped" +"I bought a 2pac of Eminem's for 50 cents","That's Ludacris" +"My nephew made me proud. Pulling up to the grocery store with my 8. 5 month pregnant wife, my mother, father and 12 year old nephew","Wife this place looks packed Nephew you look packed auntie Everyone laughs" +"My dad got dad joked by another dad on facebook http://i. imgur. com/zB1eyA2","jpg" +"Why is gay marriage an issue","**Some people are fucking assholes" +"My wife dropped this old standby while trying to get our one year old to sleep last night. Wife: Your little punk son is resisting arrest. Me: *crickets* About five minutes later Me: OH. Resisting a-REST. Hahahaha. I get it","Wife: I was wondering how long that would take" +"My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it","Eventually she came around" +"I spilled some nachos on my old. NES games","Now they are 8 bit too cheesy" +"What do cow farts smell like","Fresh derrière" +"Why do gay people laugh at everything","Because they cant keep a straight face" +"3 unwritten rules of life. 1. 2","3" +"Why was the crockery store owner sad","Because he had too many forks to give" +"Waitress asked us if our meal was good so far","Dad: So far so good, but I know it's soon gonna turn to shit" +"You shouldn’t cry at a funeral for shredded cheese","It had a grate life." +"Manager at my job got my Co worker Manager was writing a list on his arm. Like on his skin My Co worker asked him do you want a piece of paper. Manager simply says no thanks I've got my palm pilot . My coworker didn't laugh but simply gave a blank look","I meanwhile was overcome with laughter and glee" +"You know the animal that kills the most people in the world","The Hepatitis Bee" +"My wife and I were fighting while driving. It seemed like neither of us wanted to back down","But in the end, we struck an Accord" +"Wanna know why I bought nine rackets","Cause tennis too many" +"Today my son told me I could go to english class and learn to spell","ore I could just play Minecraft instead" +"What happens when you buy a bigger bed","You have more bed room but less bedroom" +"Why don't dinosaurs talk","Because they're dead" +"How do you make a solar system","You planet" +"How did George Michael get chocolate on his shirt","He was careless with his Wispa" +"A horse walks into a bar. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re in here a lot, are you an alcoholic. ” The horse ponders for a minute and responds, “I don’t think I am. ” And poof he disappears. This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, “ I think therefore I am","” But telling you that first would be putting the Descartes before the horse" +"Trees make great pets, as long as you're okay with the noise","They're all bark and no bite" +"What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo","A hippo is very heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter" +"Dad status confirmed I went over to my friend's house, as we're planning a weekend of camping in funny clothes, and there’s still some sewing left to do. Her: Do you know if your mom knows how to sew gussets. Me: I can only GUSSET my mom's skills with sewing. I laughed, her husband laughed","She and the children groaned" +"Dont know if you've all heard, but there's been an email going around about canned meats. Whatever you do, do NOT open it","It's Spam" +"When I broke up with my ex she told me that I would never find anyone like her","I told her, “That’s the point" +"My wife asked why I was speaking so softly in the house. I said I was afraid Jeff Bezos might be listening. She laughed. I laughed","Alexa laughed" +"Went to the zoo yesterday with my family and saw a baguette in a cage","The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity" +"What is Beethoven's favorite fruit","Ba-na-na-na-naaaaa Brought to you by my 8yo who had music class this week" +"What an outstanding result in potty training. An envy pee. (like an MVP, get it","OK I go away now)" +"What did the Italian say when he was asked what is the thing that he regretted about","_ About my past-uh _" +"What do you call a smug criminal walking down the stairs","A condescending con descending 😏" +"My neighbor leaves his sprinkler running constantly, sometimes days at a time","It’s really irrigating" +"What happens if you drop a piano down a mine","A minor B♭" +"Warning","18+ Today is election day in Canada, go out and vote" +"Happened last night while watching Den of Thieves with my dad. Dad: Is that 50 cents. Me: Yes dad that is 50 cent","Dad: After this bank robbery he's gonna have to adjust his name for inflation" +"Mountains aren't just funny","They are hill areas." +"It's best to serve eggs Benedict on a hubcap this time of year, because there is no place like chrome for the Hollandaise","Merry Christmas" +"What did the Italian diver say when he saw the big eel. [That's a Moray. ](https://imgflip","com/i/xjw5b) (Say it out loud)" +"My. Son asked if. I wanted a book about. Social. Media. I told him: “No thanks. I already","Reddit”" +"Why don't rocks like to talk to people","Cause we take them for granite" +"What do you do with chemists when they die","Barium" +"People who do Origami make terrible poker players","They always fold" +"What do you call it when a bird almost poops on you","Close Encounters of the Bird Kind" +"I tried to get my friend to stop doing. Heroin,","But it was all in vein." +"I was walking down my street when I saw a poster on my neighbour's front door. GOING ON HOLIDAY TOMORROW. Need someone to take care of my dog that doesn't smoke or drink","Well, their dog sounds very healthy" +"What do you get when you add more E's to the alphabet. An alphabet that is more at ease","Bring on the alphabet jokes" +"When spring time rolls around","The trees are releaved" +"Anyone see ray. Lewis’s. HOF speech","He murdered it." +"Why can't melons run away and get married","Because they Cantelope" +"A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2. 00 and a slice in the Bahamas is $2","These are the pie rates of the Caribbean" +"Don't hit a pole. My mum told me to try and not hit a pole as I was going out for a drive. Don't worry, no Polish people live around here","She stared at me and shook her head" +"My friend on IG reach the 1 million milestone and he asked me “How do my haters like me now","” By double tapping" +"I find bone puns very","Humerus" +"I know a guy who sells chairs designed for use in waiting rooms. He has a very high-level position","He's the chair man of the bored" +"Son: Dad, whats that. Dad: Its a Thermos. It keeps hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold. Son: Whats in it","Dad: 2 Cups of Coffee and an Ice Cream" +"I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind","It really came out of the purple" +"Just dropped this gem at dinner Waiter at the end of the meal: does anyone want anything wrapped. Me: Biggie Smalls, can you rap that","Silence from the entire table" +"I had a dream that","I ate the world’s biggest marshmallow and the next morning my pillow was gone." +"Did you hear about the tuba player and the bassist who broke up","Their relationship really ended on a low-note" +"My dad just got my entire family groaning. My sister was talking about traveling. Sister - I think I'm going to stay in a hostel","Dad - Wouldn't it be better to stay in a friendly" +"I saw a shovel murder on the news","They classified it as groundbreaking news" +"Waited half the night and part of the morning to tell my wife this one. One of our twins was up all night, going from 0 to full on screaming. However, after about the 5th time, something popped in my head, and just wouldn't leave. So, this morning, after breakfast, I land this one on her. >Me: So, I think Twin1 should hang with Bob Marley some time. >Her: Oh. >Me: Yeah, he was a wailer all night",">Her: *Exhausted silence" +"What do you get when you boil a funny bone","A laughing stock" +"Son: Dad can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is","Dad: No sun" +"When is a door not a door","When it is ajar" +"If I were ever to start an Indo-Vietnamese restaurant. Me: I'd probably have to call it Pho, Nom, & Naan. Future Mrs. Qball: It would end up being Pho, Nom since you always forget the naan. Me:","So you're saying it'd be Pho, Nom, & Nil" +"My wife made fun of my spice rack today","She was just giving me a hard thyme" +"Why can’t ducks fly upside down","They’d quack up" +"What's the dumbest animal in the jungle","The polar bear" +"I went on. Tumblr for help with my. Windows 10 account","They told me to check my privileges." +"What do you call a person with one arm and no legs . By their name","Don’t be a dick" +"Why did the midget get slapped","Because he told a woman how nice her hair smelled" +"Joanke Sorry, you might not get this","It's an inside joke" +"Got my girlfriend pretty good whilst out shopping. We saw this nice button up, dressy sort of shirt that I liked. I said why don't you get that. and she said It's nice but I cant pull shirts like that off. To which I replied You don't need to, this one's got buttons","I was quite pleased with myself" +"Why is golf so hard to watch","Because it’s plot is full of holes" +"The wife just rolled her eyes. I was raking leaves in the backyard. Wife: Boy there sure are a lot of leaves in the yard. Me: I know, its unbeLEAFable","Heh, I still think its funny" +"I'm going to deliver the baby. https://i. imgur. com/3vhjAk3","jpg" +"Wanna hear a roof joke","It’s on the house" +"What’s so great about living in Switzerland","Well, their flag is a big plus" +"You know why they call it well water","Because no one wants bad water" +"I married a prostitute and thought she was devoted solely to me","Turns out she was buy-sexual." +"I've. Been. Finding. Liquor. Bottles. By. A. Pond and. Decided. The. Ducks. Are. Drinking. Them","They're party fowl" +"A boy goes to the strip club. His mom gets angry and asks him: Did you see anything there that you were not supposed to see","Boy: Yes, I saw dad" +"Dad-joke level: Harry Potter http://i. imgur. com/XdqyAbW","jpg" +"What did the green grape say to the purple grape","BREATH" +"There was a collision at sea between two tankers. one carrying blue paint, one carrying red paint","There were no casualties but a number of crewmen were marooned" +"What's the difference between dinosaurs and humans","Three letters" +"A lot of people think a pirate's favorite letter is R . But it's actually","the C" +"Dad just dropped this one. My Dad and I returned from the store, only to find my mom was gone. We asked my brother were she went. The conversation went something like this: Dad: Hey son, where did mom go. Brother: She left","Dad [turns to me]: Are you sure she did not right" +"wanna hear a construction joke","i’m still working on it" +"On what street does food cook the fastest","Microw Ave" +"What do you call a bull that masturbates","Beef Stoganoff" +"Why does donald trump takes Xanax when he goes to mexico","To prevent his-panic attacks" +"Watching the Olympics with my Wife She asked about the girl on screen getting ready for her routine: Is she Russian","To which I replied : No she's taking her time The eye roll was fantastic" +"The entire movie Airplane. Seriously it's just one long Dad joke. http://youtu","be/xlDXQdgx_QU" +"Why does Waldo always where stripes","He doesn’t want to be spotted" +"Overheard this dad joke while at work. My coworkers were talking about the wilderness and how mountain lions and the like have been coming down into more populated areas and down by the lake","Then another coworker chimed in with, I heard you can find cougars at the bars" +"What is a wind turbines favorite music","They're big metal fans" +"My wife had a Tic Tac before she gave me a blow job","It was quite a predicament" +"What did Dr Sandra Lee (AKA Dr. Pimple Popper) say when she needed help during a surgery","I need a cyst" +"Two-Face is one of my favorite Batman villains","He's not half bad" +"Roommate. Got. Me","Good I'll probably be hungry around 1:30 Then who are you right now?" +"What do you call a doctor with an online degree","WebMD" +"Why didn't the melons get married in Las Vegas. Because they were cant-elope","Just thought of this one tonight having a late-night pregnancy craving for cantaloupe" +"My friend keeps saying cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water","I know he means well" +"Why was Pavlov's hair so soft","Because he conditioned it" +"A family is having dinner at a fancy restaurant. The waiter asks for drink orders. The dad (cleverly) says I'll have some melted ice","The waiter replies Just ice is a dish best served cold" +"And the award for the best neck ware goes to","Huh, would you look at that, it was a tie" +"I dad joked my dad. Dad:. I can't find my sunnies anywhere","Me: *points to both my brothers* they're right here." +"What's a pirate's favourite letter. None","Based on the preponderance of evidence, the general consensus among historians is that most pirates were illiterate" +"My daughter asked me what does infinity mean","I told her it means everything to me" +"I don't make jokes on funerals","It's a grave matter" +"While out caroling one Christmas eve, Jeff & Don were tragically killed in the middle of singing Deck the Halls . In a strange twist, they were reincarnated as ass-less leather chaps. Jeff looked at his friend and said","Don, we now are gay apparel" +"I chanjed my ipods name to 'titanic'","It's syncing now" +"What type of chaos happens when the toilet’s clogged","An uprising" +"I keep track of the all the trees that grow in my local area in a book","It's my logbook" +"I called a taxi driver today","He didn't pick up" +"My sister in law did notice my genius She was having trouble getting the shoes on the baby and says I can't get these shoes on. I say: well. they are for the baby. Nobody even acknowledged it","I was so disappointed" +"What did the big bucket say to the little bucket. Are you feeling all right","You look a little pail" +"What do you call it when a journalist makes fun of someone’s spelling","A (sic) burn" +"What would you call an internet family of lizards who could never get along","eReptile Dysfunction" +"Did you hear about the houses that fell in love","It was a lawn-distance relationship" +"The passengers who were quarantined from the airplane turned out to have the flu","They all flu together." +"I got excited when my wife-to-be told me. I got excited when my wife-to-be told me she prefered 69","But then I realized she meant the AC temperature" +"I'd tell you my family secret recipe for bread, but","It's on a knead to know basis" +"What do Russian emperors put on their fish","They put on Tsar-Tsar sauce" +"My girlfriend misplaced some of her makeup. Gf: I can't find my concealer Me: Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then","She was silent for like a solid five seconds before just saying fuck off" +"What do you call a well educated bike","A Uni Cycle" +"Not all maths jokes are bad","Just sum" +"Dad hit me with this one just now My family has a group message on Whatsapp and I just said it's so hard to eat healthy on the run. To which my dad hit me with the: indeed, it's hard to eat at all while running","Couldn't blame him, I walked into that one" +"My left me while I was on a scale","I weighted for a long time" +"Spare bike parts are environmentally friendly","They are recyclable" +"My dad always tells me never to buy anything with Velcro","It's a total ripoff" +"Whenever I tell my friends that I got my incredibly detailed tattoos in Barcelona, they seem surprised","Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision" +"In my sleep. I once dreamt. I was sad and alone. Some would say","I'm living the dream." +"Me: *putting up bi pride flag* Sister: it’s not straight Me: isn’t it","It looks straight to me Sister: it’s bi I’m a bit slow" +"The most dangerous man in the world had to have both his arms amputated after a car crash","He's relatively armless now" +"My little brother pulled this one at the grocery store. As we were checking out this conversation occurred. Cashier: would you like your milk in a bag","Little brother: no, keep it in the jug please" +"I tried to make a moon-themed restaurant, but it went out of business","People said it lacked the atmosphere" +"2 Gold fish in a tank","One gold fish says to the other; do you know how to drive this thing" +"I dad joked my wife the moment she told me we were pregnant We were going out to hang out with our friends and like usual the mrs was taking her time to get ready to leave. She came out of the bathroom and told me we were pregnant. My response: That's great. Now come on we're late, and so are you. I personally love it","But she wasn't so thrilled" +"What did the pancake say to the elevator operator. Sir. Up, please. (I use this one every time we have pancakes for breakfast","EVERY TIME" +"scared the postman i scared the postman today by showing up to the door completely naked","im not sure what scared him more, the fact that i was naked, or that i knew where he lived" +"My wife is fed up with my constant stream of dad jokes, so I asked her, How can I stop my addiction. She shot back, Whatever means necessary. I replied, No, it doesn't","Adapted from r/jokes credit to u/808gecko808" +"This is your captain speaking:. THIS. IS. YOUR. CAPTAIN","SHOUTING" +"Why can't you trust a train","Because it has loco motives" +"Why is Cyclops in charge of the X-Men. Because Prof","X made him a supervisor" +"Those stairs look awfully suspicious","They're up to something" +"Three guys walk into a bar","The fourth one ducks" +"How to fall down stairs:. Step 1,. Step 2,. Step 3,. Step 6,. Step 12,","Step 24" +"Where was the Declaration of Independence signed","At the bottom" +"You know, my flat-earther friend tried to walk to the end of the world to prove its flat","In the end, he came around" +"My mom just pulled the biggest of dadjokes Who's picking me up tomorrow Well","I would but you're kind of heavy sweetheart" +"What body of water has the best hearing","Lake Earie" +"I was going to tell a joke about time travel","But you guys didn't get it" +"What concert only costs 45 cents","50 cent featuring Nickelback" +"Dad are we pyromaniacs","Yes we arson" +"Think my partner just dad joked me and I'm absolutely gutted. We were sat watching TV and I said I'm going to have a lie-in tomorrow , she replies with I'm going to have a Tiger","it isnt perfect but she got me nonetheless" +"What do you call a chef that used to be in the army","A seasoned Veteran" +"According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor","This made him the Centaur for Disease Control" +"I asked my friend Did you get your hair cut. No, I got them all cut","*groan*" +"Dad Pulled This One at The Olive Garden When I Was About 8. The waitress was coming around with one of those rotary cheese graters to our table and when she got to my dad the conversation went: Waitress: Would you like some cheese all over","Dad: No, just on my plate please" +"HELP. I TURNED MY SON'S DOG INTO A SHAPE. I guess now he's a","dogdecahedron" +"Too early for Dad jokes So some friends and I were at the breakfast buffet at a hotel (road trip). Friend #1: Hey look, deviled eggs. Me: No those are just boiled eggs. Other friend: Yea deviled eggs are prepared with some other stuff in it. Friend #1: Yea yea whatever *15 minutes later, going for seconds* Friend #1: Hey, pass me a deviled egg. All of us: It's just boiled, not deviled. Friend #1: Relax, I'm just yolking around. He was too proud of that one","Us, not so much" +"What did the miner say when he put on his headlamp","I feel light headed" +"What drink did Hermione order at the Leaky Cauldron","Wingardium Mimosa" +"My wife keeps nagging me to stop eating doughnuts","We’ve all beignet before, amiright" +"What’s the opposite of Easter","Wester" +"What do you call a group of funny cows","A laughing stock" +"There's something about. Alaska's capital","You know, right?" +"Willy Wonka's chocolate factory has been closing early a lot lately","Maybe they're short staffed" +"My roommate asked me if getting his teacher to support legalizing marijuana made him the dark side. I said He was the light-up side","I will see myself out" +"Camouflage jokes","I don't see whats funny about the punchlines" +"What's the difference between illegal and unlawful","Ones a sick bird and the other is against the law" +"I had a nervous breakdown while shuffling cards My friend asked what was wrong","I said I just can't deal, man" +"What do you call a constipated detective. No shit","Sherlock" +"Recently scientist found out the funny bone is not","Actually humerus" +"I dropped this one on my girlfriend after some vigorous sex in the kitchen this weekend. I may not make enough money to take you on a fancy vacation, but I can still fuck you on the island","I laughed so much and game myself a high five" +"Did you hear about the procrastinator who got diarrhea","She just couldn't keep her shit together" +"I just signed up for my work's 401k but. I don't think","I can run that far." +"My dad with the walk-off Every year we go on a family beach vacation, and usually one night of the week we go out to a bar and drink. We had been at the bar for about an hour and a half, and the band was coming back from their set break. Me: I don't know about you guys, but I'm about to go cut the rug. Cousin: I'm gonna go cut the wood floor cuz I'm gonna dance so hard. Dad: (looks at his watch) I'm going to cut out, I'm pretty tired","Then he actually got up and left" +"From Scratch So I came out of my room just as my dad was pulling biscuits out of the oven. Oh, cool. You made biscuits. Dad: Yep. From scratch. Knowing my dad isn't one to actually make biscuits from scratch, I decided to challenge him. You ACTUALLY made biscuits from scratch. Dad: Well, I had to scratch the label off so I could open it","Chuckle" +"I was going to stop at the break repair shop, But I couldn't. edit: ah crap, I mean brake shop","Now this is even more broken" +"How do you measure a snake","In inches, because they have no feet" +"What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish","swimming trunks" +"My wife said she needs space to recover","I suggested she needs to alternate, control and delete" +"I used to be addicted to doing the hokey pokey. But then","I turned myself around" +"There are 10 kinds of computer scientists","Those who understand binary, and those who cant" +"I saw a guy with the same shoes that. I had today","He is my solemate" +"My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness","That came out of nowhere" +"I used to work a 12 hour job in a submarine","But I quit because there was too much pressure" +"Which dinosaur never procrastinates before finishing its chores","The Prontosaurus" +"I spilled coffee on my lap","I was up all night." +"I once saw a pirate flood a tavern","Let that sink inn!" +"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy","I don't know And, I don't care" +"Every truck is a food truck","If you're a cannibal" +"My friend said to me what rhymes with orange","I said no it doesn't" +"Why did I travel west","It was an occident" +"Why did the four-legged semiaquatic carnivorous mammal cross the playground","To get to the otter slide" +"Three guys walk into a bar. One guy was a pimp, the other was a drug addict, the third had severe depression, Thirty minutes pass and the police were called, why. Well, the pimp was flirting with the hookers, trying to persuade them into having sex with him, the drug addict was snorting cocaine by the fire escape, and the depressed one","He was just hanging by the bar" +"What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination","HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYEEEEEEEEE" +"I walked right into one while watching the opening ceremony last night. My husband and I were watching the parade of nations and Belize was entering the stadium. The population and number of athletes were displayed on the bottom and I said, Wow, I didn't know Belize had such a small population. Not even half a million people","My husband replied, Yea, it's pretty unbeliezable" +"A burglar stole all my lamps","I should be upset, but I’m delighted" +"My friend got me at lunch. My buddy and I went to get food after we cooled down from the gym. We went to chili's and I ordered a steak. The stake came out undercooked, but I prefer rarer steaks anyways. As I was eating, I said, This steak isn't that great. He replies with, I guess it was a mis-steak, with a smile on his face. I replied with, You get two more laps tomorrow for that. His response was, I guess the steaks just keep getting higher. I shook my head in disgust and secret pride for him. Sorry for format","I'm on mobile" +"A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. The bartender says Hey","Bring that back" +"Why was the window always screaming","He was in pane" +"What did the traffic light say to the car. Don’t look","I’m about to change" +"What does a house wear","Address" +"Got one from my dentist today. I was sitting in her office and noticed she had a It's 5 O'clock somewhere sign hanging up over the mirror. I told her I liked her sign. She replied who doesn't. I'm a Capricorn","the assistant and I both hung our heads" +"If you were to lose your left hand","Would your right hand be left" +"What do you call kids born in a whore house","Brothel Sprouts" +"Do you know why I was pissed off with the car salesman","He said he can make the sale but has zero percent interest" +"The dog with the tail Damn it dad","He came up with this one this morning: Have you heard of the dog that stopped talking to its tail and survived to tell the tale" +"I asked my Priest if there were any habits that he couldn't break","He replied that he prays everyday religiously" +"Saturdays and. Sundays are stronger days","Because the rest are week days" +"How can you tell how old a tree is","You ask it for it’s BIRCH certificate" +"A friend was bummed because she broke her sunglasses","so I tried to be supportive: Don't worry, your future's bright" +"Everyone knows why 6 was afraid of 7, but the real question is why did 7 eat 9","Because everyone needs at least 3 square meals a day" +"What’s deliciously sweet and creamy and can tell the future","A chocolate eclairvoyant" +"Have you heard about that new movie, constipation","It hasn’t come out yet" +"All horses who are opposed","Say neigh" +"Did you hear about the new male birth control lotion","Its called son block" +"What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in the ocean","Bob" +"We had just got done watching a special about space and wormholes so I asked my dad, What do you know about black holes","To which he replied, They're still pink on the inside" +"Me: every time a pun is said, my power grows","Friend: wow, that's powerful Me: I'm just super saying" +"The amount of wind in Chicago really","Blows me away" +"I came up with 10 dad jokes. The first 9 are great, but the 10th is absolutely amazing","1: great 2: great 3: great 4: great 5: great 6: great 7: great 8: great 9: great 10: absolutely amazing" +"As soon as the hotel room door closes","Did anyone grab the key?" +"I had a dream about a muffler last night","I woke up exhausted" +"I swear to god","That's why I won't be allowed in heaven" +"A guy walked into a bar","He was terrible at limbo" +"Why did the author call himself. Mont. Blanc","Because he wanted to use a pen name." +"It's thyme for dadjokes Got my brother twice. Pretty sure he might be considering to throw out all the thyme in our kitchen. Joke #1: We were grocery shopping for thanksgiving (the Canadian one) and our conversation went something like this: Me: Are you going to use any herbs. Like Thyme. Bro: No, I think we have a lot of thyme Me: No we don't. The store closes in about an hour Bro: *death stare* Joke #2: Bro was cooking our thanksgiving dinner. This one I'm really proud of. Me: Wow, I think you put too much thyme. Do you have any wounds. Bro: What. Why","Me: Because only thyme heals wounds Happy Thanksgiving Canada" +"Have you ever tried to eat a clock","Its very time consuming" +"I was washing my car with my son","He said “can’t you just use the sponge?”" +"Why was Snoop Dogg carrying an umbrella in the rain","Fo drizzle" +"This is the last time I'm telling you this: I am NOT the Invisible Man","Did I make myself clear" +"Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom","Because the *pee* is silent" +"My friend asked my daughter, How old is your father. As old as me. she replied. He laughed and asked, How can *that* be","She said, Well, he didn't become a father until I was born" +"Karl Marx wrote using only lower case letters","He hated capitalism" +"Made dinner for my family and dad pulls this on me. Me: yeah they had some really good bison in, better than the generic ground bison","Dad: all bison is ground bison they can't fly away" +"I asked my mom, “How many boyfriends did you have before you met Dad. ” She said, “Four”","I said, “So Dad is mom beau number 5" +"I got my friends with this one after I donated blood. So I gave blood yesterday, and it really hit me kinda hard. But I'm sure I did the right thing. In fact, I'm not just sure","I'm O Positive" +"Dropped one on my lifting partner at the gym (Me, waiting for our other partner) Friend: What are you doing","Me: Weighting" +"Why do cows like coupons so much. So they can save some mooooolah","Credit goes to my 9 year old daughter" +"I caught my neighbor adding extra dirt to my garden","The plot thickens." +"The Queen recently knighted the Buckingham Palace IT guy","He is now Sir Ver" +"What’s the difference between a garbanzo and a chickpea","NSFW I wouldn’t pay $500 to let a garbanzo on my face" +"Why did the Egyptians build the pyramids","To get to the other side" +"Just said this one myself to my daughter. At a restaurant when one of the employees opens the door of the fire exit. My daughter: Dad, why did they open the fire exit. Me: So the fire could get out","My dad sitting at the table rolled his eyes" +"I recently read that “icy” was the easiest word to spell","I didn’t understand at first, but now I see why" +"Did you hear about the constipation bill in Congress","Yeah, but I doubt that shit will pass" +"What did the cheese say while looking at itself in the mirror","Halloumi" +"Asked my two year old son if he could pretend to be a horse","He answered me neigh" +"My dad tries to stay away from. Indianapolis","He says they have a pretty large colt following down there" +"The two biggest problems in the world today are ignorance and apathy","But nobody knows and nobody cares" +"I found this beauty on /r/TheLastAirbender [Even in spirit, Aang is still a dad](https://imgur","com/kJzomF3)" +"Tread softly. A police officer radioed to headquarters: Chief we've got a situation here. A woman just shot her husband for walking on a freshly mopped floor. Chief: Did you arrest her. Officer: Not yet","The floor's still wet" +"What does Bob the Builder call his work playlist","A fix-tape" +"I’m playing a sushi chef in an upcoming play","I’m trying hard to prepare for the roll" +"When does a dad joke become a dad joke","When it becomes apparent" +"What happens to liars when they die","They lie still" +"Why didn't the Emperor try and clone General Kenobi","Because there can be Only-One Kenobi" +"Wanna know why they call it cursive","Because it makes me wanna swear" +"My kids will appreciate my humour when they are older. Son : I told your Tom Jones joke at school today and nobody laughed. Me : Where did you tell it. Outside in the playground","Son : Yes Me : It must be an inside joke then" +"I found a box of discarded calculators and I just had to rescue them because","Every calculator counts" +"My daughter asked me if it hurts cows to milk them","I told her it's udderly painless" +"What’s orange and sounds like a parrot","A carrot" +"What do feminist say at the end of their prayers","Awomen My father is odd" +"Im emotionally constipated","I haven't given a shit in days" +"I like my women like my coffee","Hot" +"Gay jokes. Are not funny","Cum on guys" +"If I threw a flute at a cop","would I be flauting authority" +"Some plants have the prefix dog Some plants, said the teacher, have the prefix 'dog. ' For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Now name another plant prefixed by 'dog'","I can, shouted one of the students, Collieflower" +"Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper","He sold his soul to Santa" +"I went to my therapist today to see if he could cure my kleptomania","He said, Sure, take a seat" +"My name is Tyler- I've been waiting to say this my whole life http://imgur","com/IA5u3F0 X post from r/texts/" +"They say jalapeños are hot. But","I find them to be a chili pepper" +"My three kids have gymnastics in the morning It's late on a Friday night. Kids (4, 4, and 2) are running around the house screaming, playing and laughing. Me: You kids better go to bed. You gotta go to gymnastics in the morning. Or as he's more formally known -- James Nastics. Kids ignore me and continue running amok. Wife ignores me and walks out of the room","[my internal monologue]: damn it feels good to be a gangsta" +"What is between nine and ten","And" +"To err is human","To arr is pirate" +"Dropped this one on my dad today. I might be adopted everyone. My Dad Michigander 13, we have a 3/4 drunk Gatorade bottle and a 1/2 drunk pop bottle on the counter what are we doing with them. Me Well what are they doing getting drunk. My mom laughed, I laughed, my dad just sat there. Not laughing","Is he a true dad" +"Knock knock Who's there. I eep. I eep who","Eeeeew you eat poo" +"I actually said this to my wife earlier today, and then cringed afterward. I love you from top to bottom","in that I love your top, and your bottom" +"I have a friend named Phillip, he lost his Lip in an accident","Now we call him Phil" +"What do you call a company that hates people that see into the future","Non-prophet" +"Just dad joked my GF at the bar She has a crack on her foot and had been walking on it all day. Told her babe you needa get off of that or it's never gonna heel","Sighs ensued" +"Hey, hey guys. What do you call a winter storm in Louisiana. A Burricane","Edit: Get it, A Burr-icane Edit2: Like a hurricane but with Burr instead" +"I opened my birthday card and a load of rice fell out. I know exactly who sent it","It was my Uncle Ben" +"Almost Props to the GF I tell my Girlfriend about an article I was reading where NASA is working on plans to build a submarine to search Titan's ocean for life. She looks at me and says the whole plan sounds 'Fishy'. After I got done laughing she looks at me and says What's so funny","I was so impressed too" +"How to be successful in two easy steps: 1)","Never tell anyone everything you know" +"Which word class do you prefer","I'm pronouns" +"So, my wife backed up the toilet. she asked if we had a plunger anywhere, I looked around the house and couldn't seem to find one. I couldn't contain myself when I had to tell her she was shit out of luck . I can't wait to have kids","I have dad jokes for days" +"Why does the new iPhone 11 Max look like a stove top","Because Tim cooks" +"I don't understand people who don't recycle","Why would you buy a bike and only ride it once" +"My wife insisted on pouring flour into the melted butter","I told her she would roux the day" +"What did the power surge say when it entered the circuit board","Resistance is futile" +"Did you hear about the communist cat. I think he was called meow tse-tung","This cat joke is purrfect" +"What do they call a bee in. Alberta","AB" +"eBay is so useless","I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches" +"What do you call a girl with no body and no nose","nobody nose" +"Captain Kirk finally came up with a name for his invention: a cross between a hose nozzle, a spoon, and a fork","He called it Mister Spork" +"What did a mine prospector say to another mine prospector","Nothing because he thought he should mine his own business" +"I don't like going to the dentist","I feel like he's always looking down on me" +"What’s it called when a jungle does a QnA on Reddit","An AMAzon" +"Got my wife with this a little bit ago Me: oh, I must not have been listening to you Her: ya, I'm not surprised Me: what. Her: ya, I'm not surprised Me: what. Her: I said yes, I'm not surprised Me: what","Her: *looks at me, and I grin back* Do you WANT to sleep on the couch" +"Dad : “I need to call the doctor today. ” Mom : “Which doctor","” Dad : “No, the regular kind" +"I told my wife. I picked a bad day to stop huffing glue, she wondered why. I stopped at all. It turns out. I have celiac disease and","I'm allergic to glueten." +"Pride Month Joke 5 guys are standing in a circle talking. One guy is on his phone and is reading an article","He says “1 out of 5 guys are gay” Someone says “I hope it’s Jim, he’s really cute" +"I’m reading a book about WD-40","It’s non-friction" +"I hit a huge milestone today","It totaled my car" +"Sales that are 50% off are pretty good","They're not half bad" +"What playing cards are the best dancers","The king and queen of clubs" +"I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine. But now","I stand corrected." +"The 1st day of the month, pretty much every month. Hey, good morning. How've you been","Haven't seen ya since last month" +"One atom turned to another and said I think I lost an electron. Oh, no. Are you sure","I'm positive" +"What did the ocean say to the beach","Nothing it just waved" +"I like being friends with geologists","They're really down to earth" +"Why can't you feel anything for a pretty girl named anne","Because all you get is the Anne Aesthetic" +"What do you call a depressed rapper on social media","Post 'm all alone" +"You know what they say about a guy with big feet","They say Sorry sir we don't have your shoe size" +"What is a ghost’s favourite thing to throw","A boo-merang" +"Someone should develop a power measuring app called as","Watts-App." +"What do you call an unprofessional process","A cess" +"Oh man, that guy just crashed. Happened a couple of years ago. The winter Olympics are on and my dad and I are watching the luge competition. Some guy crashes mid race Me: Oh man, that guy just crashed","Dad: Hah, what a luger" +"Scientifically a raven has 17 primary wing feathers. The big ones at the end of the wing. These feathers are called pinion feathers. A crow has sixteen","So, the difference between a crow and a raven is only a matter of a pinion" +"After being robbed a farmer beats up a thief with a sugar cane","He is reported to have said revenge is sweet" +"I called the police because a man was screaming about large bodies of water and outdoor storage units, but when the police arrived they couldn't arrest him, as he denied everything","It was a real He Said Sea Shed situation" +"What do you call a fish with no eyes","Fsh" +"This sub has been going downhill for a while now and I feel like something needs to be said","Something" +"My package was just stolen off of my front porch","It was an Amazon Crime" +"If your house doesn't have house numbers on it","you need to address that situation" +"Why is 1 such a lonely number","Because people only ever say I love you too" +"Got em Coworker was in the rain no rain suit. I had a full yellow rain suit on. I took over for him because I felt bad. As he finished saying thank you","I said no problem I am better suited for this job anyway" +"I asked my dad why he was wearing 2 pairs of golf socks","Cuz I got a hole in one" +"Dear, It is ok to laugh when goats give birth","They are just kidding" +"My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went out for a few drinks. He’s a pretty cool guy","Wants to be a web developer" +"Mum hates my dadjokes. I was roped into helping to make bread with my mother. She hates my jokes. Me: You're so kneady. Mum: *eyeroll* Me: Hey, concentrate on the bread. My jokes are the yeast of your problems, I'm just trying to get a rise out of you","I am not allowed to talk in the kitchen anymore" +"A hearse is actually a very popular car","People are dying to get in it" +"My wife asked if","I was going to yoga with her Namaste home today." +"Explaining jokes is like dissecting frogs","It’s informative, but the frog dies" +"If marijuana was legal everywhere. Weed be very happy","😊" +"Dad joked my brother while begging for money. I'm a starving college student at the minute and a few days ago I wanted Pizza and Cider. Unfortunately I had no money, I decided to call my brother and ask him to sub me some. The following ensued. Le Me: I want Pizza, can I borrow £10. Le Bro: Sure, I'll send you some bread money. Le Me: It's not bread money. It's Pizza Dough","He almost refused to send it, ended up selling him the rights to that joke" +"My dad told me this one a while ago. We were playing pool, and I was just about to shoot in the 8 to a pocket for an easy win. Dad: Oh no. I'm wheat. Me: Huh. Dad: I'm rye. I'm sourdough. Me:","Dad: I'm toast" +"Welcome to D. > Welcome to D. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me","[whole room] > AFTER ME >Ok fellas, lets start here" +"What do you call a male ant","An uncle" +"Classic dad playing with his food. http://i. imgur. com/jZjsC85","jpg" +"What do you call someone who's afraid of complicated names","Bob" +"So a guy stumbles upon a lamp and a genie pops out and offers him 3 wishes","For my first wish I'd like to be rich To which the gene replies Alright Rich, what's your second wish" +"I remember 2014 like it was yesterday","Happy sun orbit dad jokers" +"What's my baby's favourite video game","Cry-sis" +"What do you call an owl with a sore throat","A bird that dont give a hoot" +"Folding laundry with my wife. Folding laundry with my wife. I mention that I need to iron my pants, noting that the pleats are almost gone. My wife looks up and asks: Would you say they're","depleated" +"People that don't like this subreddit are perhaps lactose intolerant","They can't handle cheesy jokes" +"Sent this one to my dad today. So, a guy invents a new and improved shovel. People go crazy over the new device at first, thinking it will solve all their digging problems. After awhile, though, people begin to realize the guy basically re-invented the wheel; the shovel wasn't helping them get under the surface of their real digging issues","Their conclusion was that his shovel wasn't all that groundbreaking" +"My son has to save the world with Trigonometry","I told him the Theta the universe depends on it" +"My father came over last night for a beer And he says to me, about my fireplace, you oughta use your grate. It may burn hotter and faster. Told him I opted out of using it simply because the fireplace is small. Texted him later that night, I got that metal shelf in the fireplace, and whaddya know, IT WORKS GRATE","He's yet to reply to me still" +"Has anyone heard that joke that seemingly cures Covid-19","I havent yet, but I heard its a riot" +"Did you know that Spider-Man is bisexual","Because he swings both ways" +"So how did you escape Iraq","Iran" +"What do you call 150 clones of Ellen Page","Ellen Book" +"What sound does it make What do you hear when you run over a bumble bee","B flat" +"What kind of bees drop things","Fum-ble bees" +"Surgery I'm looking to have my funny bone removed and thought I hadn't been to surgery yet","Turns out I'm post OP" +"I took the rear view mirror out of my car","Since then, I've never looked back" +"Why did a desperate guy go to the middle east","He wanted dates" +"What do you call a Gnome that lives in the city","A MetroGnome :D" +"Scientists modified bears DNA to make them more humanlike","Unfortunately the result was unbearable" +"What do you call friends you like to eat with","Tastebuds" +"Did you hear about the farmer who wanted to marry a melon","A judge told him he cantaloupe" +"Last night. I dreamed. I was a muffler","I woke up exhausted" +"My son just got dad joked by my daughter. Son: Did you see the video I showed mom dad. Daughter: Who's this mom dad. Ha ha. comma's save lives. Me: Ha you just got dad joked. Son: whatever","rolls eyes" +"If while waiting for my deli order. I cut the cheese. Should","I get an employee discount?" +"Son: Mom, what is a swordfish. Mom: you’ve never seen a swordfish. Dad: Don’t be silly, swords can’t fish","(Overheard at a restaurant by a very proud of himself Dad)" +"Two snares and a cymbal fell off a cliff","Ba dum tss" +"When I was young, my dad used to tear up the last page of all my comic books and never told me why","I had to draw my own conclusions" +"My dad killed a daddy long leg today","Then he started to brag that it was a deaddy long leg" +"My dad got me with this solid dad joke the other day. While walking down the street, we came to a railroad crossing. Dad: Do you know how I can tell that the train just came through. Me: How","Dad: It left its tracks" +"My kid asked if he could paint his face black for Halloween","I don’t know, it might come back to haunt you" +"Why does china have the best baseball team","Because it took out half the world with one bat" +"I was trying to get a TV show made, one where each episode covers a different job title at the airport","It never made it past the pilot" +"Did you hear about the photographer who got lost in the woods","He died of exposure" +"My wife’s sewing machine isn’t working right","Not sure what’s wrong, it just seams a little off." +"Did you hear about the emergency surgery to remove a neckbeard, scarf and fedora","Doctors were pleased to announce the first ever successful hipsterectomy" +"Why dont ants get sick","Because they have anty-bodies" +"My grandfather is always saying that, back in the day, people could leave their doors open…","Which is probably why his submarine sank..." +"Where does a pirate get a beer","A barrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" +"So I just found out that Pythons actually squeeze your heart into stopping before you suffocate in their wrap","I guess that's a little disheartening" +"I've never met a trans parent in my life","And to be honest, I don't think I can *see* that happening" +"Dude I think that atm machine just lost a few pounds Dude I think that atm machine just lost a few pounds, my friend told me after I withdrew some cash","Actually, I think it goes by USD here It was a proud remark of mine I had last night" +"Seriously though, what time is it. Me (in dining room with no clock nearby): Dad. What time is it in there","Dad (in kitchen with a clock in front of his face): Same time as it is in there" +"I’ve been saying it for a long time","It’s a good word." +"I can't remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in roman numerals","I'm LIVID" +"What do u call a fish with no eye","Fsh" +"I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today","I should've put it on aloha setting" +"I don't understand why people would strap watches on their belts","It's a waste of time" +"Ordered a pie from. Opee's. Pizza","They don't deliver" +"A friend of mine said to me the other day What rhymes with Orange","I said No it doesn't" +"Today is a day to celebrate motherfuckers","Happy Father's Day" +"Doctor: I'm sorry sir. you have stage 4 cancer. you're dying","Dad: I'm not Dying, I'm Dad" +"Did you hear about the cheese factory that blew up in France","There was nothing left but de Brie" +"Girlfriend: What's the difference between yogurt and Greek yogurt. Me: One is better with their money","You could see the sigh in her eyes" +"What’s brown and sticky","A Stick" +"I want to take up juggling. But","I don't have the balls." +"DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my. Who. DAD: Uh, I can't remember. I think her name was Reese something. MOM: WITHERSPOON","DAD: No, it was with a knife" +"I used to own a Bonnie Tyler themed satnav. It was rubbish. Kept telling me to turn around","And every now and then it fell apart" +"What did the buffalo say to its son who was leaving for school","Bison" +"Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving","Baste on a true story" +"You ever studied abroad","I have and I ended up marrying one" +"I'd be too embarrassed to make a pun about clog dancing","Wooden shoe?" +"What do you call storage containers for breast implant production. Tanks for the Mammaries","My dad insisted that I post this here" +"Got my son We are eating at a steak house. My son asked why I haven't eaten the bread yet. I replied : Because I would. fill up on bread and not have room for my steak. And that would be a mistake . Eyes rolled","I felt victorious" +"How do you get around efficiently in Nazi Germany","You heil a cab" +"What is a prisoners favorite punctuation. A period. Why","Because it marks the end of a sentence" +"I got my 16yr old son today. While walking to the store with my son, he was bragging about his popularity and telling me how everyone thinks he's funny. I sad Wow. Have they started calling you 'shrooms' yet. Long pause. Why would they call me that. he asked","I said because you sound like a real fun gai" +"There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand","Binary and those who don't." +"What do you call it when someone thinks they're one-third white","A Neapolitan complex" +"My husband, new dad of 8 months, is kicking off his dad joke game strong. We had a cleaning service come to the house today, called Two Maids and a Mop","Well, three maids showed up and my dumb husband goes, “which one of you is the mop" +"Conjunctivitis","com It's a site for sore eyes" +"Read this one today. Had to share. Dad: I fell off a 50ft ladder today. Kid: OMG. are you ok","Dad: Lucky for me it was only the first step" +"The day after our son died my wife came to me and said she felt like she wasn’t grieving properly and she felt bad","The next day I woke up to her sobbing and I told her “good mourning" +"What do you call a place where everyone's laughing","Lol Lol Land" +"Dad tried to make fun of me because my zipper was down","But he couldn't come up with a joke on the fly" +"How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb","Just Juan" +"The cops told me my wife got abducted and to brace for the worst","I’m guessing she’s about to come back" +"While the Tea Pot was Boiling GF: The tea pot sounds so angry","Me: Nah, its just letting off some steam" +"Two spices are walking down the road. The paprika turns to the other who was lagging behind and says Cayenne, hurry up","The other spice looks up and says I'm Cumin" +"Did you hear about the horse politician","She ran for mare" +"Dad joke in writing class. I was sitting in my creative writing class today, when one of the exchange students asked me, Which method do you prefer writing with. I told them, With my hand","God help me" +"Why doesn't a seagull fly over the bay","Because then it would be a bagel" +"Why do people ask me about where I see myself in a year","I don't have 20/20 vision" +"I named my printer. Bob","Marley because it keeps jammin'" +"My wife is making masks. Does anyone need one","Or are you covered" +"Kill me now What would a bear be without bees","Ears" +"What did one cannibal say to the other when eating a clown","Does this taste funny to you" +"Dadjoked my physics teacher Teacher: Don't be afraid of failure. Me: who is he. I've never meet him. Teacher and class all groan and look at me with the classic really","Face" +"My girlfriend is trying to change her sleep schedule. Her: Changing your sleep routine is really hard","Me: Yeah, I bet it's really deeply embedded" +"What's a pirate's favorite car","The YAARis" +"We all know Murphy’s Law means anything that can go wrong will, but what about Coal’s Law","Thinly sliced cabbage" +"If woman sleeps with 10 men , she's a slut but if man does it","He's a gay , definitely a gay" +"Got one in on the gf yesterday. We were watching TV and this Mercedes ad comes on and says something along the lines of 900 miles between fill-ups or something outrageous like that","I got the classic grin and said Huh, I thought Phillip was a more common name than that" +"What do you call the yellow part of an egg","That's the yolk" +"Frozen water. My dad and I were trying to thaw out a frozen pipe we had, so we poured hot water through it. I felt it and said the pipe was hot","My dad retorted with, Yeah, it's *piping* hot" +"My 82 year old godfather can still make me roll my eyes at his dadjokes. I'm back home to visit for the first time in a few months - when see our very sweet, old neighbour in the street, I wave to say hello to her, but she just looks confused. My mum solemnly explains that after 90 odd years of being completely clear in the head, last week she apparently just forgot everything overnight and now she doesn't remember anything. My godfather then goes, Oh, she's fine - she's had Alzheimer's as long as she can remember","Groans" +"My dad said he's going to a concert. Me: Hey dad, where are you off to. Dad: I'm heading out to a Korean boy-band show. Me: KPOP","Dad: Yes, I'm fine" +"Facepalm, guffaw, and an oh my God the wife on this one We were driving home the other day from a weekend of camping. Almost the entire drive home is through back roads and Country Roads and little towns. when we one of the many farms we drove by , there was a little river running through the farm and at least 50 cows lying down sunning themselves along the edge of the river","I turned to my wife and exclaimed that's a lot of ground beef" +"why is sand called sand. Because its between the Sea and the Land","'buh dum tss'" +"Juan met a Buddhist monk who told him to look within","Because it takes Juan to know Juan" +"What does a robot do on a one night stand","Nuts and bolts" +"Why did the trick or treater throw out their left twix bar","It didn't taste right" +"What do you call a Mexican midget. A paragraph","Because he is not a full essay" +"Haircut. My dad:. Go get a hair cut. Me:","No, i will get a lot of hair cut." +"A clown just held the door open for me,. I thought it was a nice","Jester." +"I have some electric tape but it isn't working right I can't figure out how to power it up","My friend suggested putting it in a camcorder so I could tape it" +"What do you call a more formal version of Shanghai","Shang-hello" +"Dadjoke from an old guy at the theater. Went to see The November Man with the wife today. Some old guys sit in front of us and one leans to the other, I missed the first ten movies in this series. I laughed and kept elbowing my wife until she says, Yes I get it, stupid dad jokes","And rolls her eyes" +"Why are trees useless at eating","They're all bark and no bite" +"Having bbq, my buddies kid asked me if his teddy bear is hungry","I told him that he's stuffed" +"My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell","Well actually he said less McDonald's but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant" +"Mom: What do you want for dessert tonight, honey. Mom: Does Earthquake pie sound ok","Dad: Nah, sounds like a recipe for disaster" +"What do you get if you land on a dinosaur","A mega sore arse" +"I was expecting my new knife to work well with meats","But it's just not cutting it" +"My son dadjoked himself I heard my son mutter something to himself as he turned the light on in another room. I asked him what he said. I said, 'Let me shed some light on things. ' That's a classic that I use every chance I get","I'm so proud" +"Where does a poor Italian live","The spaghetto" +"In class we were talking about the. Russian honey bee. I said hey it's a","KGBee" +"My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, Can you throw up some wipes. I'm not sure, I replied","I haven't eaten any" +"Did you hear about all the neurons being laid off","Lots of them are being fired" +"Was eating dinner with my wife when she quickly got up for seconds. “I’m starved. I haven’t been eating right”, she said","So I asked: “Is that why you are eating everything that’s left" +"Pay Your Exorcist Hear about the girl who didn't pay her exorcist","Well she got repossessed" +"Whats brown and sounds like a bell Dung","I heard this from montey python" +"What would a hallway in a mental institution be called","***PSYCHO PATHS***" +"Hearing aids are on sale","They’re at unheard of low prices" +"I wa robbed by six dwarves today","Not Happy" +"Dad joked my gf. While joking with her at dinner she called me mean","I replied at least I'm average" +"Dad, I'm hungry. Hi, Hungry. I'm Friday. Come over on Saturday and we can have a Sundae. Are you kidding me","No, I'm Dad" +"I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes","It's only a draft at the moment" +"Wife:. OK, before we leave. I need to go change. Me:. But","I like you the way you are!" +"Why did the deer need braces","He had buck teeth" +"Jesus drove a. Honda, it says in the. Bible: For. I do not speak of my own. Accord","John 12:49" +"I wanted to get into coloring textiles. But","I heard it was a dying industry." +"I feel sorry for the calendar","Its days are numbered" +"How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb","About a Brazilian" +"What's brown and sticky","A stick" +"Did I ever tell you kids that I fell in love with your mother while I was doing a back flip","I was heels over head in love" +"A man asked me why my clothes were gay","I said “Cause, they came out the closet”" +"I recently opened a restaurant","I guess you could call me an Entrée-preneur" +"Makes me giggle every time. When my dad is driving my mom and I places, any time he sees a 'Stop Ahead' sign, he immediately places his hand on my mom's forehead","She groans and sighs and I just chuckle in the back seat" +"My son tore a paper ghost decoration","My wife was going to throw it out but I said we should just write RIP on it" +"What do you have if you have 3 oranges and 4 apples in your left hand and 4 oranges and 3 apples in your right hand","Big hands" +"I told my husband yesterday that I hate June Bugs","He told me not to worry because they'll all disappear in July" +"I've peaked. I'll never say something this perfect again. Celebrating my brother's birthday with a pizza party. Jokes were already starting about how much pizza I had eaten that night when my dad decided to change the subject and share a story about how he learned to speak Portuguese","Then I said, I'm fluent in morepizzaplease" +"I say to my girlfriend: Awe, look a pony. Her: He should prolly see a doctor. Me: What. Why. Her: Because he's a little horse. Me:","I think we should see other people" +"My dad ordered me a size large Packers shirt. But I wear medium usually","He said he was disappointed that I'm not as BIG of a Packers fan as he thought I was" +"It all","The title says it all" +"Why did Santa go into the garden","To ho ho ho" +"In what state do you watch a priest, sneeze, and sit down. massachusetts. It gets worse. My kids and I have a ton of these for different states","Should it be one thread" +"Son, can you please stop listening to Korean music","K, pop" +"What vitamin is best for failing eyesight","Vitamin See" +"Hey did you hear they combined two of the top grossing films, Avatar and The Force Awakens, into a single film","Yeah, I heard it's going to be on Blu-Rey" +"If. I purchase something from. Microsoft. Store,. Am","I window shopping?" +"I told a joke about a plane earlier today. All","I can say is it landed really well." +"Do you know what the opposite of ladyfingers is","Mentos" +"Surprised I wasn't fired for this one. I work in a small office and control the music via my phone. An obscure track from The Who started playing. Boss: Who is this. Me: Yes. Boss: It's [Yes](http://en. wikipedia. org/wiki/Yes_(band). Me: No. Boss: Well who is it. Me: Yes. I let it go two complete loops","Thank goodness he has a sense of humor" +"Did you hear that Elon Musk has invented a car that runs entirely on sliced cabbage","He calls it the Colesla" +"Every morning after I wake up, I find that someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO on my front porch","I don’t know what to make of it" +"What do you call an Asian home decorating show","Thai Ling" +"While waiting on a table at work. I left him there mid-order. Me - Would you like to try our Turkey BLT special today. Probably a Dad - No, thank you. I've been addicted to thanksgiving leftovers lately. I've been trying to quit, cold turkey","Slow clap" +"My customers have no sense of humor :( I work part time in the produce department at a grocery store. Last night while I was at work a customer came up to me and asked, do you have any more thyme. So of course I replied with, well I hope so, I'm only 19 and then laughed to myself for a while. I looked back up and she was just staring at me kind of angrily, so I told her we were all out and she left","Some people need to learn to appreciate comedy" +"We brought our sons to their first wedding and after the service. Little Joey asked his brother, How many women can a man marry. Sixteen. Tommy responded. How do you know that. Easy. Tommy said","All you have to do is add it up, like the priest said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer" +"It's my birthday today","The best present I got is a broken drum It's unbeatable" +"My wife asked me whether I experimented with drugs and sex when I was in high school","I said, “Yes, but I was part of the control group" +"My psychiatrist told me he thinks I'm crazy. I told him I wanted a second opinion","He said Alright, you're pretty ugly too" +"I rely on hotels so much,","I've actually become quite inn-dependent." +"My wife got on to our 17 month old for standing on her alphabet book. I tell her leave her alone, she's trying to stay on top of her education. Wife still won't admit it was funny",":( *edit for grammar" +"I'm moving some couches today","Sofa, so good" +"I hate when my refrigerator breaks","It’s not cool" +"When my wife walks the dog, I always help her get the dog ready","It's the leash I can do" +"Did you know that, technically, all beverages are alcoholic","If they’re not getting drunk, then they’re getting wasted" +"[NSFW] So I was hooking up with a guy nicknamed Eagle. It was going well. Like, really well. One of those magical encounters with another human being that is so powerful, it is almost holy. After an unhurried, deliberate lead up, the moment couldn't have be more perfect. We were about to *ahem* connect for the first time, so to speak. I got an idea and couldn't resist. In my sexiest, most husky, breathless voice, I demanded, Look at me. We locked eyes. The connection between us was sizzling. I held him entranced with my gaze. This was the moment. Nothing else existed but his eyes and mine, the two of us bound together, suspended outside of time. He slid home, completing the connection at last. As soon as he did, I solemnly informed him, The Eagle has landed","I'm surprised there were no injuries, we were laughing so hard" +"I turn the TV up loud when a Smucker's commercial comes on","That's my jam" +"My wife dared doubt my craftsmanship when I was changing over the light switch","Haha, she's in for a shock" +"What's a dog's favorite soda. Dogtor Pupper","Thanks I'll show myself out" +"What do you call a jumping cow","Kangamoo" +"I woke up last night and saw somebody stealing my neighbour's gate","I was going to shout something at them but I didn't want them to take a fence" +"My friend was telling us about the time she accidentally set a Ken doll's head on fire. She told us how she was eight and let it lean into a candle. Not knowing what to do, she picked it up by the feet and carried it, flaming, into her brother's room to ask him what to do. He quickly got the doll to the sink, but my friend said he makes fun of her to this day. Don't worry, I said. You're hardly the first little girl to carry a torch for Ken","The groans and winces all around the table totally made my day" +"What type of tractor makes the best circles","A protractor" +"Can a Ninja throw a star","Shuriken" +"Why did the Astronaut look for parking","He was looking for space" +"Why are calculators so dependable","Because you can always count on them" +"What do you get the man who has everything","A security system" +"What does a mermaid use to clean her tail","Tide" +"What’s smarter than a talking parrot","A spelling bee" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping","He's fine, he woke up eventually" +"My Father and his father dad joking each other Grandfather: did you get a hair cut. Dad: I got them all cut it was a package deal. Gradfather: Where did you get it done. Dad: down the road","Grandfather: oh I thought you would of had it done on top of your head" +"I had to reset my password and it had to be 8 characters. So. I chose. Snow. White and the","Seven dwarfs" +"Knock knock. Who's there. Jack. Jack who","Why does everybody want to go back to Jakku" +"Jokes about white sugar are rare","But jokes about brown sugar, demerara" +"Girlfriend asks her 9 year old nephew, who just ate a huge burrito in record time, to practice eating more slowly in the future Him: Ok. Why don't I practice with another burrito","This kid is going places" +"I made a graph for my past relationships","It has an ex-axis and a why-axis" +"And now, the award for the best neckwear goes to. oh, look","It's a tie" +"I got fired from my job at the bank today","An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over" +"How do you steal a coat","You jacket" +"My Step-Dad was telling a story about when he got carbon monoxide poisoning when he was in the Army. I asked Did you tell your. CO","He didn't get it" +"What did the llama look a like say when he was asked to go on a vacation","Alpaca bag" +"I accidentally became my dad the other night. I was on the couch with my computer and was planning on eventually sleeping on that couch. Dad: (in fake country accent) Well, don't be usin' that computer as a piller. (pillow) Me: Ya mean, a pillar","to *stay up" +"The lady helping me at the bank has a big stain on her shirt. Should","I teller?" +"A stolen joke finally used Today I received a call from so weird ass number. Hello Mr. Humblestudmuffin, we would like to ask you to participate in a brief survey about the current general election. Oh, I only wear boxers. Have a good night","*click*" +"I found a horror book written in braille","Something bad is going to happen; I can feel it" +"My wife came home from work stressed out from her day. I asked her how I could help, she asked me to draw her a bath","I showed her the drawing I made, she replied “that wasn’t really what I had pictured" +"The guy who invented the knock knock joke","Should win a no-bell prize" +"The text says it all","It all" +"I'm going to name my daughter Noe . It's pronounced. Noel","Her entire existence will be my ultimate dad joke." +"Dad and Mom working together *Family in kitchen awaiting breakfast* Dad: Honey, make me some coffee. Mom: Make your own coffee Dad: A women's place is in the kitchen, so you have to make it Mom: No, it says in the bible that men make coffee Dad: It does. Where","*Opens bible and points to the book of HeBrews" +"I found a. Zelda fanfic where. Ganondorf took over but. I couldn't click on it. I guess the","Link was dead" +"I went to a really emotional wedding last week","Even the cake was in tiers" +"[At the therapist] Hulk Hogan: I struggled through a lot of mental issues during my career. Therapist: So you could say","you had to wrestle mania" +"I used to sell drugs to miners","it was a real underground operation" +"There is only one thing better than the great plains","Great helicopters" +"Why couldn’t the bicycle get out of bed","Because he was two-tired" +"People think that the word 'queue' is just 'Q' followed by 4 silent letters","But those letters aren't silent, they're just waiting their turn" +"Me can't apologize enough for ripping traditional Indian dress","Me Sew Sari" +"Bow. and Arrow. [NSFW] This isn't so much a joke as a video of the guy on his toes :P Dad: What did you get. Kid: I got a boner. (holds up bow and arrow) Dad: (Breaks out in laughter) Are you gonna shoot it. Kid: I'm gonna shoot it. Mom: *just speechless* Dad: (now laughing hysterically) Now don't shoot it your mom. that's my job. Mom: *scowling at dad* https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=RsS4uCRrN_Y" +"What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine","The Salvation Navy" +"What is a Pirate's favorite musical instrument","The loot" +"I took a video of my shoe yesterday","It was some pretty good footage" +"Finding himself. My son said to me, Dad, I am moving to California to find myself","I replied, what if yourself is actually in Idaho" +"My daughter told me her shoes were being naughty. I told her, They can't be *knotty*","They don't have laces" +"If all of the dinosaurs had had a wider vocabulary, maybe they would have survived","Like the thesaurus did" +"I hug my knees to my chest and lean forward","That's how I roll" +"NSFW my fetish is being tied up and being forced to watch goldfinger. I guess. I’m into","James bondage" +"My wife was talking about sharing absinthe with friends","I observed that absinthe makes the heart grow fonder" +"I got arrested while playing guitar today","Something about fingering a minor" +"Why do bears have hairy coats","Fur protection" +"You are watching a stand-up comedy and suddenly the comedian sits down","Its a sitcom now" +"My wife told me that she couldn't ride her horse because his foot hurt","I called that a lame excuse" +"Country girl goes to visit her big city cousin. So the two girls get invited to a dance. The country girl thinks this might be too high brow for her, and tells her cousin, “Golly, them city fellers might think I’m just a dumb hick. ” Her cousin says, “Don’t worry. Just do as I do and you’ll be fine. ” After hours of dancing they got tired, so they sat down. Another guy comes and asks the city girl to dance. She smiles sweetly and says “I’m contemplating matrimony and I think I’d like to sit","” So when the next guy comes up to ask the country girl to dance she smiles confidently and says, “I’m constipated on macaroni and I think I’d like to shit" +"One from work a few years ago. I'm in my bosses' office talking about moving to a fancy new office with lots of space. Me: Instead of cubicles can we put small teams in wigwams. Boss: Probably not. Why. Me: Because then we can tell everyone that software development at {companyName} is in tents. Boss: Sigh","don't you have work to do" +"Shout out to my grandma","That's the only way she can hear" +"I tried to make a joke about a pencil","But it broke, and now there's no point" +"I once had a hen that could count her own eggs","She was a mathemachicken" +"What should Shrek wear when he gets too smelly","Deogreant" +"I don’t usually tell dad jokes","But when I do he laughs" +"What did the nut say while chasing another nut","I’m a cashew" +"How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb","A Brazilian" +"What Do You Call It When A Person Gets Hit By A Hotdog Stand","A hit and bun" +"A man is washing his car with his son","The son asks, Dad, can't you just use a sponge" +"Making breakfast for my nephews. I've got some frozen waffles, do you guys like them. Yes Well you should try them toasted, they're even better warm","*groans*" +"What do you call a dad who's fallen through the ice","A popsicle" +"If you kill the majority of ducks in a pond","it's murder most fowl" +"The hot air balloon driver is refusing to come down, and the cops are still trying to figure out why","Everything is still up in the air" +"Did you hear about the teacher that was afraid to fart in public","She had to become a private tooter" +"What did the southern farmer say when he caught a deer with no eyes","I have no eye deer" +"Did you hear that Science is now saying Birthdays are Healthy for you","Apparently people who have more live longer" +"A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework. ” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie. ” Dad asks “What movie were you watching. ” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son. He then sais “Okay, okay. We were watching porn” Dad said “What. At your age I didn’t know what porn was. ” The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says “Wow. He certainly is your son","” The robot slaps the mother" +"You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal","sees you later or in a while" +"I'm proud to share with you all, my official bucket list https://www. amazon","com/slp/plastic-bucket/7yxmhgjes5fn6uz" +"My friend lost his phone and asked me to call it. Wesley's Phone. WESLEY'S PHHHOOOOOOONE","was not what he was looking for apparently" +"Shout out to my grandma","Thats the only way she can hear" +"A man gets to the hospital just as his child is being born","He was pronounced Dad on Arrival" +"I don't know why marvel hasn't tried to put ads on hulk","Hess essentially a large banner" +"Hey, dad. Mom told me you are sick, how do you feel. Dad: With my hands","" +"My date's dad told me that he wanted her home by midnight","But you already own her home, I said" +"How was the Roman Empire cut in half. With a pair of Ceasars","My dad, ladies and gentlemen" +"What's the favorite weapon of a Republican from space","The Ronald Raygun" +"My ex had gambling and anger issues","When I broke up with her things got a little dicey" +"Collard Greens My Mom, Dad, and I were sitting down for dinner and we started serving ourselves. Mom: This Collard greens recipe is really good. Me: I bet, I like collard greens. Dad: Me too, I like crewneck greens as well","It took us a second but the groans and eyerolls were inevitable" +"My wife dadjoked my son and me My 2. 5-year-old son was singing Old MacDonald in the car and decided to be a little silly by having each verse be a progressive number of mittens on his farm. When he got to five mittens, I asked him, Why would he need so many mittens. How many hands does he have","While my son was thinking it over, my wife replied, They are for all of his farmhands" +"What's the point of a Narwhal's horn","The tip of it" +"How do you make a groundhog","Use a mortar and pestle" +"Why is it better to toast bread","It burns calories" +"What do gynaecologist's and Pizza delivery boys have in common","They can both smell it but cant eat it" +"Dadjoked about pancakes. I was talking with my dad about breakfasts and I mentioned this really good restaurant near us. I said, Nothing can top their pancakes and he replied, except syrup, strawberries, bananas, and butter","Wow, dad" +"What do fish smoke","Sea-weed" +"What do you call a dinosaur that took a hard fall","A megasoreass" +"What followed the great war between multiplication and division","The Aftermath" +"Dad bod","I prefer Father Figure" +"Cock and sperm joke for kids (This joke just deserved a more catchy title, sorry for the mess. ) Every Tuesday growing up, we had German sausages and sauerkraut for dinner - my dad's favorite. Since I can remember, my dad has told this joke and never misses a chance telling it till this day: You know kids, it's not the sausage that makes you fat, it's the sauce. Both my younger sister and l looked at eachother, rolled our eyes and thought - why is he telling this joke every single time. it doesnt make sense. There is no sauce here. Only fried sausages, sauerkraut and potatoes. In fact, where is the goddamn sauce, we could need it. This dish is dry as shit. My poor mom shrugged her shoulders, seemingly just as confused. When i was about 11-12, I caught up on my dad's hinting and eye contact after the punch line. he wanted me to get the joke so bad at this point lol. I had a moment, as they say. Oh. OOHH. BOOM. Omg the SAUCE . From the sausage. makes some people fat. as in pregnant. Mind. Blown. My sister, around 8 at that time, had a few hundred more sausage dinners to ketchup ;) I'm not doing so bad myself, 'ey. Edit: For the slow people out there, this joke is about sausage=penis, sauce=sperm and getting fat=pregnant. Did you have your moment too","Admittingly, the joke works better in my native language, but you get the idea" +"Dadjoked by my boyfriend One really warm and really nice day, we were sitting in a lounge alone and I said, I feel like icecream","He got up, licked my forehead and said almost disappointingly, You're not icecream" +"This man said to me sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry I said that's really annoying","He said I know, I can only apologise" +"What's the easiest animal to feed","Giraffes because a little goes a long way" +"The difference between unlawful and illegal is","One gets you in trouble and the other is a sick bird." +"My daughter gave me a handful of rocks for my birthday","They have deep sedimental value to me" +"What did the bird on the fence-post say to his friend when he got thirsty","I'm perched" +"What’s brown and sticky","A stick" +"What do you call a father that weighs 1000 pounds","A grandad" +"My dad would tell us he had three knees. I've got my left knee, my right knee, and my weenie","Thanks for reminding us about your genitals dad" +"Our dad has taught us well While I was watching my youngest brother's computer screen, my other brother, currently in the Marines, sends him an invite to play a game. >Marines: You down",">Youngest: No, I don't have an extra chromosome" +"I got fired from the florist","I took to many leaves" +"Kid only 16 months old and I'm already dadjoking Passes by a Garage Sale sign","asks gf howcome they're not selling the whole house" +"My rabbit soup was disgusting","It had hares in it." +"What do you call a wet female owl","A moist owlette" +"As a punishment I made my son read part of the dictionary","He learned next to nothing" +"Why is milk the fastest","Because it's pasteurized before you ever see it" +"Whats the only flower that grows on a face","Tulips" +"Apparently scientists are working on self driving canoes","They'll be powered by a few row bots" +"Dad joked a new dad. I work in a hotel reception. A couple with a baby came in and walked up to my desk. > Dad: Do you have anywhere we could change our baby","> Me: I'm sorry sir, we don't swap them out without a receipt" +"My son is 3 but I just became a Dad today My wife got back to our cart with some corn for dinner. She said, I have about six ears","I said, Funny it looks like you just have the two" +"Q: What did the criminal say as he was hanged","A: The suspense is killing me" +"I like to tell dad jokes while having sex Him: I know it's weird, but I like to tell dad jokes while having sex Her: Whatever your into, handsome. Him (later while having sex): Hey dad, why did the cookie go to the hospital. Source: http://explosm","net/comics/5042" +"I've been offered a job in. Seoul. Will it be a good","Korea move?" +"What does a Swedish dog sound like","Bjørk" +"What is Snoop Dogg's favorite Vietnamese soup topping","Pho drizzle" +"I was at a sports bar recently when a shelf holding alcohol collapsed. And in possibly one of my most brilliant moments, I exclaimed: I guess that shelf. couldn't hold its liquor","I thought it was pretty good, anyways" +"My kid said she didn't know how to make a butterfly. I said I know how to make a butter fly. You throw it","My wife almost laughed" +"I was out with my friends. (Friend)- I had to throw out my bag of holding something was growing in it","(Me)- I guess now it's a bag of molding" +"So incredible So the wife and me were excited to see the golden gate in person. So the wife asks me, what are we gonna do when we get there","And I replied, we'll cross that bridge when we get there" +"Wife: Why are you wasting your time reading jokes on Reddit","Me: I want to be well e-quipped" +"Two balloons are flying across the desert","When suddenly one shouts: It's a cactus-s-s-s" +"My. Girlfriend. Just. Broke. Up. With. Me. For. Talking. Too. Much. About. Video. Games. What a stupid thing to","Fallout 4." +"What do they have for supper on the Millennium Falcon","Milk and Wookies" +"Why does a duck have tail feathers","To cover it’s butt-quack" +"Why won’t I eat turkey on Thanksgiving","Because it’s fowl" +"I learned something inspirational today. You should always try to be happy. Because “sad” spelled backwards is “das”. And","das not good" +"Why did the deer need braces","He had buck teeth" +"What do you call a pencil with no end","A pen" +"I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad","The fly didn’t stand a chance" +"Sure my dad didn't write this, but it was always one of his favorites. The organs were having a meeting. Did I ever tell you about the asshole. What. Well, the asshole was at a meeting with all of the other body parts, and they were deciding who should be in charge of the whole body, right. So first, the brain says, 'C'mon, obviously I should be the boss. I do all of the decisions, thinking--why is this even a question. ' 'Well, good luck doing all of the thinking if you can't see where you're going,' say the eyes. 'We should be in charge. ' 'What good is it going to do seeing, if you can't get anywhere. ' asked the legs. 'Well, without us, you'd have no oxygen,' said the lungs. 'Are you serious. ' said the stomach. 'How are you supposed to process energy and do any of this stuff, without me. ' 'Well, what about me. ' piped up the asshole. 'I'm important too. ' 'You. ' laughed the other parts. 'Shut up, asshole. ' So the asshole went on strike. A week and a half later, the brain couldn't think straight. The eyes couldn't focus, the legs were asleep from sitting on the pot, and the stomach was so jammed up full of crap that the lungs could barely breathe. Finally, they all went to the asshole and said, 'Look, we're sorry, we're sorry. Just come back to work, you can be in charge. ' . and that's why all bosses are assholes","Miss ya, Pops" +"„Did you hear about the kidnapping at out school today. “ „No what happened","“ „The teacher woke him up" +"I got fired from the M&Ms factory","I kept throwing away the Ws" +"Dad joked GF about a fb photo Girlfriend linked me this and said want http://imgur","com/EwU7X6M I replied that'll cost a pretty penny" +"Atoms are untrustworthy little things","They make up everything" +"A man walks into a bar","he should have ducked" +"If only humans had. My SO got me tonight as follows: Me: We have too much to carry. If only people had evolved four arms. Wouldn't that be cool. Her (with shit-eating grin): We do have forearms","She then proceeds to display her arm to me Vanna-White-style" +"Book vs the Movie My daughter read the book The Talented Mr. Ripley in her English class. Then we watched the movie starring Matt Damon and Jude Law (who plays Dickie). My daughter kept telling me what's different in the movie compared to the book. like Dickie is a painter not a musician, etc","After she telling me a bunch of differences, I asked In the book, does Jude Law play Dickie" +"My dad on the Olympics opening ceremony Did you see that","It was Sochi-zy" +"William Tell was a substitute on his bowling league","Every week league officials would have to ask for whom the Tell bowls" +"Why is wooden flooring considered not suitable for vegetarians","Because there’s laminate of course" +"My friend keeps breaking into ikea and damaging their furniture","I think he may be suicidal He's been really into shelf-harming" +"Shamus and michael need a job. Went past a sign saying tree fellers wanted , shamus turns to. Michael and says","Tis a pity there be only the two of us" +"Where do you learn how to make ice cream","In sundae school" +"So today my wife asked me if I wanted any more children. My reply: No chance","I kid you not" +"I consider myself a fairly independent man but I needed a car","So by my own accord, I decided to buy my own Accord" +"Drills are boring","Fastening things together with metal is riveting." +"Was at the hospital today with my grandpa I was walking the hallways of the hospital with my grandpa, and we came upon a door marked authorized personnel only","He looked at me and said I'll authorize you if you authorize me" +"Real story: I'm prepped for a wedding and walking with my dad about to meet up with my girlfriend. I know his tendencies so I tell him dad, please, no jokes. And he replies, with what you're wearing, I won't need to. I roll my eyes and say, oh, wow, sick burn dad. I look over, and he's reaching into his pocket and pulls out a little vial, and *shakes it out all over me. * He hands me this vial and he's made a shitty label around it, and he wrote on this fricken label, *** Directions: Add in salt to injury","*** He's a legend among my friends dads" +"One of my family's most valued heirlooms is a night gown my great-great-grandma bought from a notable psychologist","It's a Freudian slip" +"What kind of music do Irishmen like","Shamrock" +"I dropped my paycheck on the floor today","Thankfully it didn't bounce" +"What do you call a gun loving, Christian rock band","Guns N' Moses" +"I sexually identify as Michael Jackson","My pronouns are He/Hee" +"The three laws of Dad Engineering. 1. Always use the right tool for the job. 2. A hammer is the right tool for any job. 3","Anything can be used as a hammer" +"What do you call the very clean oppressor of Middle-Earth. Showeron","(My girlfriend literally just told me this one" +"Where do dinosaurs shop for toys","Toysaurus" +"I don’t like people who give bad massages","They rub me the wrong way." +"I got yelled at for almost spilling hot coffee on a coworker. But","I guess it's better to be scolded than scalded." +"What’s the last thing through a bugs mind when he hits your cars windshield","His butt" +"My Dad managed to crack two solid jokes today. While out, my Grandmother says before she heads to the bathroom: Anyone care to join me. My Dad: I didn't know you were apart . Then later that day, My Grandpa says Does anyone want a 3-bean salad for dinner. My Dad: 3 beans","That's not enough for dinner" +"Dad joked my sister the other day. We were eating breakfast at the dinner table Her: Wow, onions are really growing on me","Me: You should really have a doctor check that out She gave a little chuckle and I was extremely proud :)" +"Son: Did you get a hair cut","Dad: No, I got them all cut" +"My sister asked me why there's frogs everywhere in summer but she never sees them in the winter","I said they're probably using invisibility croaks" +"My dad asked me the other day: Are you even listening to me","Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me" +"I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of her lipstick","She still isn't talking to me" +"Grocery Store Buff I saw one of the employees at walmart set up his own work out bench made out of pallets and Soda Cases. He was Bench a few packs of Dr","Pepper, as I am seeing this the only thing I can think is, Man that's Soda Pressing" +"What do you call a person without a son","per" +"I used to be addicted to not showering","I’m proud to say I’m officially clean" +"My Algebra 2 teacher is the king of dad jokes. Just today, as class was ending and everyone was waiting for the bell, a student asked him if he had any daughters. He then said Not on me, no and maintained eye contact with astonishing conviction","He's great" +"What's something a drug dealer would never ask","Is Pepsi okay" +"My dad is sure that that beaver is guilty","He says the evidence is damming" +"Did you know Helen Keller had a swing-set in her back yard","neither did she" +"Rowling has just announced a new. Harry. Potter book","Jk" +"My kids treat me like Terms and Conditions","They don’t give a shit what I have to say" +"What do you call wooden planks arranged in a circle","Board meeting" +"What has 4 wheels and flies","A garbage truck" +"I wish I had a ghost that would fix my furniture","You know, upholstergeist" +"I hate it when people ask where. I see myself next year. It's not like","I have 2020 vision" +"You look like you have anime hair Child #3 got out of the shower and didn't dry his hair properly so it was clumped together in an unusual way. Child #1 pointed and said You look like you have [anime hair. ](http://img13. deviantart. net/1243/i/2011/182/3/9/anime_hair_style_ii_by_nyuhatter-d3kos72","jpg) So of course I had to ask, Who is Anna Mayhair" +"My dad's go to joke for as long as I can remember. Me: dad I'm gonna go to the liquor store do you want anything. Dad: liquor. I don't even know her","Me: ughhhhh" +"“Honey, I’m pregnant","” “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad" +"Man: Ugh, I’ve had really bad gas lately. Doctor: Don’t worry","It will pass" +"Can you help me with a crossword. I need another word for Instruments in a string quartet","Because violins is never the answer" +"Why does the White House not have complimentary pens","Because Trump is bringing his own Pence" +"I want to tell dad jokes . But he's never around","Ha" +"My wife just had a tooth pulled As you may know, after you get a tooth pulled, you can't drink from a straw, or do anything that causes a suction effect, else you may get dry socket. I told my wife that she should call her boss and say this will be her most productive week. because she's not allowed to suck at anything","Everyone but my wife laughed" +"Why should you never marry a tennis player","Because love means nothing to them" +"What do you get when you pour root beer in a square cup","Beer" +"What are the three most common words in the English language","“the”, “English”, and “language”" +"I posted this elsewhere today and was told you might like it Me: (dad) Guess who I saw today. Son: Who","Me: Everybody I looked at" +"Eat a garlic clove with every meal to stop the. Coronavirus","It won't do anything to protect you from getting sick, but people will stay six feet away" +"What did the drummer name his twin girls","Anna one, Anna two" +"When my wife and I got married, I was completely broke. But she stood by me. She had to","We only had one chair" +"I made a pencil with two erasers","It was pointless" +"What do you call an old canoe","A ca-old" +"Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands","Because they are extinct" +"I tell my nephew jokes with unfunny punchlines","He calls them auntie-jokes." +"Why was the light bulb arrested","For incandescent exposure" +"Hopefully they like her more than my Dad's puns Driving with Dad listening to some pop music station. Meghan Trainor comes on the radio. Dad: Hey did you know that Muslims love Meghan Trainor. Me: How do you know that","Dad: I just heard they're Allah bout that bass" +"Just cracked this one off at lunch. Was eating burgers with the wife and daughter when my wife (who picked up the food) said, I was going to get us singles, but I went with the double. Just felt in the mood for a meatier burger. Did your burger kill the dinosaurs. I deadpanned. What. Your burger. You said it was a meteor burger. Meatier. meatier. METEOR Burger","Goddammit, goober" +"Dad got us in the car While discussing the new barber in town. Mom: Where does he cut hair. Dad: On top of peoples heads","Resounding groans followed" +"I would tell you a Civil war joke","But I am General-Lee out of them" +"The inventor of throat lozenges has died","There will be no coffin at his funeral" +"My grandpa died last week, but his body was delivered halfway through the funeral","I guess you could say he was my late grandfather" +"Not many people know. Noah was amazing at archery","You should have seen his arc!" +"When a chemist dies","do they Barium" +"Watching the Argentina game with dad","Dad: I don't know who that Messi guy is, but I sure as hell wouldn't want to live with him" +"I was arrested for telling my dad the best joke ever","Police said manslaughter was illegal" +"Yes Dad, I'm Russian I was finishing up an essay that was due tomorrow (procrastinating as usual) and Dad had come over to visit me, see how I'm doing, all that jazz. Me: Sorry Dad. I have to finish this and I'm rushin' so if you could just wait for me. Dad: You're Russian","I thought you were mixed" +"Grocery list As I was heading out with a grocery list: wife: Also - more English muffins","me: How much more English should they be" +"That broke speaker is one heck of a salesman","I just can't seem to turn him down" +"I was reading Dad Jokes to my wife. She said, Dad jokes. They should be called sad jokes","My son and I laughed" +"Why do melons have weddings","Because they Cantaloupe" +"I'm gonna say something. But it's very deep","Mariana Trench" +"What sound does a street sweeper make","*Broom broom" +"Son to Dad: “Wanna read this joke. ” Dad to Son: “No need","I already Reddit" +"My dad sent this to our Australian cousin a couple nights ago [Honestly I was almost as impressed with his internet lingo as I was with the joke](http://i. imgur. com/7eULYBl","jpg)" +"I woke up and thought I was at the circus","There was the big tent, in front of me" +"The pope asked me to take care of his official ceremonial handbag","It's a blessing, and a purse." +"Do you know why the Scottish call it a kilt","Because the kilt the last as*hat who called it a skirt" +"I've only lurked and groaned on r/dadjokes, never posted, but it seems like the tables have turned http://goo. gl/hCaOHY This happened recently while putting together some IKEA furniture with my family. While the tables where being assembled upside down I blurted out It seems like the tables have turned . Groans all around","My inner dad couldn't contain himself" +"What do you call a robotic toe sitting in the snow","A Brrr-E-Toe" +"Office jokes Colleague's last day. I walk in and wish her a happy last day","but she gives me a sad look and says: Last day lady: I'm wearing all black in mourning Me: Then what are you wearing in afternoon" +"Got my girlfriend and she's still mad at me. She went to her sister's for some sort of clothing-buying party thing, and was telling me about a dress she was handed: It was crazy, all these dresses had these really loud prints. Me: Huh. Would they look good riding in a little red corvette","Cue eye rolling and my hysterical laughter" +"Puns make me numb","Math puns make me number" +"Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road","It got stuck in a crack" +"I got abducted by a mime","He did unspeakable things to me" +"Waiter: Would you like to hear today’s special. Me: Yes please. Waiter: Sure","Today is special" +"What is green and fuzzy and if it falls out of a tree will kill you","A pool table" +"What is Batman's favorite drink","*Just-ice*" +"I got fired from my teaching job for bringing in the wrong replacement on my sick day","Oops wrong sub" +"TIL red blood cells do so many things","that's why they RBC" +"I might buy you an exploding calculator","But don't count on it" +"I found the first four books in the Harry Potter series to be quite light hearted","The fifth was dead Sirius" +"There is only one prerequisite to telling a dad joke","You have to be kidding" +"PSA:","Make sure your posts are properly formatted because it's hard to see the joke when there's no pun indented." +"Remeber. You dont need a parachute to go skydiving once","You need a parachute to go skydiving twice" +"Did you hear the Trump administration is thinking about making it illegal to sell pre-shredded cheese","Apparently they want to make America grate again" +"I stand corrected","said the man wearing orthopaedic shoes" +"I used to not like my beard","But then it grew on me." +"My parents always told me that if I watched too much TV then I would get square eyes","But wouldn't that just make my vision sharper" +"Why do Asians have squinty eyes","because their future is so bright" +"My wife pretended she didn't hear me. It's getting late, baby is napping, wife is starting to make dinner, I'm browsing Reddit in the other room. Suddenly from the other room I hear: > Wife: Can you pick up the dog poop before it gets dark. > > Me: *Pause. * But the poop is already dark. > > Wife: *Pretends not to hear","* > > Me: heh heh heh I thought it was funny" +"What do you call a three legged donkey","A Wonkey" +"Them:. Don’t treat women like objects. Me:. Women women = new","Women();" +"3d printers can print guns now. Not impressed","Had a canon printer for years" +"A bit of rope walks into a bar. A bit of rope walks into a bar, and the bartender says We don't serve your kind here. So the rope walks out, roughs himself up a little, and ties himself, then goes back in. The bartender says Hey, aren't you the rope I just kicked out of here","He replies No, I'm a frayed knot" +"How did the farmer find his daughter","Tractor" +"Was Noah an","ark-itect" +"I was going to look for my missing watch","but I could never find the time" +"Dad joked my programming class. Teacher: Does anybody need help. I know some of you are a bit behind","Me: Some of us are a byte behind" +"Q: What’s the definition of a cocaine dealer","A: A person who sticks their business in other people’s noses" +"How many tacos can an octopus eat","Ten tacos" +"What did my dad say when I didnt pass him the remote controller","Stop that, it isn't even remotely funny" +"Me: *explains something*. Blind man: ah","I see now" +"A television newslady is interviewing a horse that can tell whether a person is a homosexual or not. Am I homosexual. Asked the newslady. Neigh, said the horse. The newslady turns to the camera and says, you heard it folks","'Straight' from the horses mouth" +"7 year old got me today Did you know gibberish spelled backwards is gibberish. No, it's hsirebbig","Exactly my point" +"My friend Charles went to the dentist and had to get some Novocain","He's a numbchuck" +"Overheard this exchange between my Dad and Sister My sister came home and opened her bedroom door to find the cats had been locked in there for a while and were very keen to get out. She then came in to the kitchen and asked. How long have the cats been locked in my room","Because they flew out the second I opened the door Dad: Well, long enough to grow wings" +"What did the snowman say to the other snowman","Do you smell carrots" +"So my dog used to chase people on bikes a lot","it got so bad that I finally had to take his bike away" +"What does a clock do when it's hungry","It goes back four seconds" +"My wife said a woman in her mom's group was thinking of naming her baby Amazon sounds like a prime choice, I replied. Heck, that baby could grow up to be a girl on fire, I continued","Please stop, my wife said" +"One of my family members is really against heartburn. Her name is. Aunt","Acid." +"Why did the cow go on holiday","Because she had a wee calf" +"What kind of shoes do baker's wear","Loafers" +"I don’t know about you but. I love to tell dad jokes","Sometimes he laughs" +"Army dad joke Son: Daddy, did you get shot in the army","Dad: No, son, I got shot in the leggy" +"Why doesn't Captain Hook need a crew","Because he does everything single-handedly" +"I was going to start an airplane repair business. But","I’m not a good mechanic, so it never took off." +"A sheep, a drum, & a snake fall down a cliff","BA-DUMM-TSS" +"A guy pointed at a physician’s child and said “Look, it’s a wiener dog. ” I said “No it’s not","It’s a doc’s son" +"My Toddler's Favourite Food Me: so what's your favourite food. Carrots. Chocolate. Custard. 2 year old: nose Me: out of all the food you'd pick your nose","Toddler: grins Me: groans It was so bad I knew I had to post it here" +"My friend told me he’s part jew. Does that make him","Jew-ish?" +"What are Santa’s little helpers called","Subordinate clauses" +"He who farts in church","Sits in his own pew." +"How does the moon cut his hair","Eclipse it" +"“Do you have a collection of all of Bender’s jokes from Futurama. ” Sure","Would you like Fry’s with that" +"So a black bear was spotted near my work. Here's what my dad had to say about it. Dad: Don't leave food in your car. Me: I checked. No food. Not even a picnic basket. I wonder if insurance would cover bear attacks","Dad: I checked, you have bear minimum insurance lol" +"I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey. But then I turned myself aroubd","That’s what it’s all about" +"Why'd they upgrade the planetarium","It's already spacious enough" +"Hearing loss isn't the end of the world. but a string of words in sign-language is a deaf sentence","Edit: please don't thank me, just pay it forward" +"On a sign outside my local vet : How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello","Konichihuahua" +"You know what’s really boring","Digging giant tunnels underground" +"My wife didn't believe me when i said I'd made a car from spaghetti","Should've seen her face when I drove pasta" +"Chatting about names after dinner. My Father in law says I knew a bloke who had a son called Edward, and then had a daughter they named Edwina . Why would they do that. Asked my wife","Because two Ed's are better than one" +"Why don't wild pigs go to parties","Because they're boars" +"Why did the scarecrow kept getting promoted","Because he was outstanding in his field" +"Did you hear that Celtic band last night","They kilt it" +"My wife says and does the nicest things","Only this morning she said, I'm leaving you and taking the kids" +"I'm reading a book about anti gravity. It's impossible to put down","(Saw on a sign while driving my son to daycare this morning)" +"What do you call a belt made of watches","A waist of time" +"When my neighbor couldn’t pay for her exorcism","Her house was repossessed" +"I literally told my dad about this subreddit, to which he claimed, I never make jokes like that . Today I was home, helping my sister out with her application while she was at school. I come to the strengths and weaknesses part. He looks at me with a straight face and says, Michael, do not put odor under strengths . *cracks big smile* *nostrils flare*","oh, dad" +"What's got six legs and flies","3 pairs of trousers" +"Dadjoked in my friend's kitchen While over at a friend's house, my coffee had gotten cold. I asked him if I could borrow your microwave","He responded with sure, as long as you bring it back" +"I invented a new word","Plagiarism" +"After beating my roommate at Mortal Kombat. I don't have any kids, but I think this was pretty dad-like: We usually scream at max volume when we play, but our other roommate was sleeping so we had to stay pretty quiet. It was my Kung Lao and Kano vs his Smoke and Sonya. I swept him clean, 3-0, and he gave the excuse, It was because I couldn't get loud. I told him, Oh, but you did get loud. *KUNG LAO'D*","He groaned, I basked in the glory" +"Have you heard of the serial killer that sets his victim's butts on fire","He's an arsonist" +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon","Great food, no atmosphere" +"Wanna hear a little pickle joke","it's not that big of dill" +"Whats a giraffes favorite fruit","A nectarine" +"I Just Dad Joked My Dad So he was watching footage in Chile for the World Cup, and there was a shot with the mountains and everything. So I said Wow, look at all that snow","No wonder it's so Chile" +"Lord Nelson was about 5 ft 6 inches, and his statue measures 17 ft 4","That’s Horatio of about 3 to 1" +"What did the coffee report to the police","A mugging" +"There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator","Only a fraction of people will find this funny" +"Dropped this one on my buddy talking about reddit. Him: I'm getting tired of the whiskey subreddit. Me: Well, the beer subreddit is pretty hoppin'","Him: Ha" +"There are talks now of the. Oakland. A's moving to. Canada. They might be rebranded as the. Calgary","Eh's." +"You know that tingly sensation you get when you fall in love with somebody","That's common sense leaving your body" +"The classic dad joke. The boy couldn't stop. He couldn't stop killing. No matter how many times he tried, it always came back to him standing over a bloody corpse. No. Not you too mom. He said with a whimper. He was obviously distraught over what he had done, but at the same time he relished the thought of killing again. It was as if two souls shared the same vessel. One of them the innocent boy, the other an evil and bloodthirsty monster. It was then that the boys father walked through the door. He fell to his knees when he saw his wife a bloody mess on the ground. How could you. Why would you. The father cried in anguish. The boy was crying now. He couldn't stop now and as the tears began to stream down his face he spoke. Dad you have to understand, I can't control it. I can't stop killing. There's a hunger deep within me. It wakes me up at night telling me to kill. I'm always hungry, I'm always craving new flesh. I try to turn it off, but it keeps coming back. Dad, please help me. I'm hungry. Hi Hungry","I'm dad" +"For our wedding anniversary I told my wife I got her a cardigan. After she opened her card she asked where it was. I pointed to the card and said I got you a card again How is she still with me","I actually got her a trip Vegas" +"Sunday brunch with Dad Yesterday my SO and I met my parents and my sister and brother-in-law for brunch. I decided to order eggs benedict. Right away my dad said, You know that comes on a special dish right. A chrome one. I didn't follow, so he kept going. You know what they say right. Still nothing from me. You know. there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise","I still can't believe I didn't see it coming" +"My mom asked me if I am going to have kids","I told her first I need a farm" +"What kind of dog likes to dive a lot","A sub woofer" +"OMG. Did you hear that the T-Rex Cafe is hiring","Apparently they're short handed" +"To all the dads with kids going into sketch comedy","Dont worry, you'll see them in a bit" +"What kind of trees do fingers grow on","A palm tree" +"My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records Book","Sadly I got banned from the library" +"I met a guy who told some average jokes","He was really mean" +"I was floored by the response of our boss last night I work in a kitchen and at night the floor mats need to rolled up and washed. While watching a new kid struggle with a ripped mat, I said I think it's about time we get a new mat. Our boss, named Matt, instantly yells from inside the nearby office Oh come on, I'm sitting right here","And while I didn't physically see it, I could feel the giant smile on his face as we all laughed" +"How much is a 100mL. My mom asked, About 1 deciliter","I replied High five from dad and groans from my mom and the table near us" +"The new Joker movie is rated R for Strong bloody violence, language, disturbing behavior and brief sexual images","I guess you could say that the Joker without an R is just a joke" +"Why did the man fall into a well","Cause he couldn't see that well" +"Once you reach the top of. Mount. Everest","It's all downhill from there." +"My dad is worried about his agnostic friend who suffers from insomnia and dyslexia","He's been up late these past few months unsure if there's a dog" +"What Instrument Does A Scuba Diver Play","The swim-bals" +"The moment I realized I was becoming my Dad. So my girlfriend and I were binge watching Netflix one day, and she always brings a glass of water with her and leaves it in the window sill next to my bed. At this point there were probably like 6-7 cups in the window because I haven't cleaned in a while. Anyways, she asks me Can you put my bra somewhere. It's driving me crazy . To which I reply, Sure, I'll just put it here with the rest of your cups","I cried laughing for hours over this, she never even cracked a smile" +"My dad attacked me with a vacuum cleaner today","He yelled: Dyson" +"I couldn't marry anyone from China","Big red flag" +"A magic tractor is driving down a country road","When suddenly it turns into a field" +"What’s orange and sounds like a parrot","A carrot" +"What do you call a potato that uploads videos","YouTuber" +"Why did the dog get a ticket","He ran a gray light" +"Why don’t people notice Eminem’s hidden messages","He has them under-raps" +"I truly admire people who can hold 9 to 5 jobs","I can barely work 2 jobs at once myself" +"So i was talking to my dad about guardians of the galaxy and when i mentioned Chris Pratt my dad sighs and says. I dont know how parents can be mean enough to name their child after a fried rodent. and i just sat there looking at him confused until he whispered","crisp rat" +"I know everything there is to know about sushi. You could say","I’m an a-fish-onado" +"A weasel walks into a bar . The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you","” “Pop”, goes the weasel" +"Have you guys heard the airplane joke. Never mind","It's probably over your head" +"Dad. I jammed my toe","Do you need some peanut butter" +"I tried finger food for the first time. Luckily. I only used five so","I could still hold it" +"Someone once told me a story about screws, nuts and bolts","It was Riveting" +"Dad joked his own mom at a family gathering My family was sitting around the table eating lunch and talking about how it's almost impossible to have true vacation time anymore. My grandma chucks in, Your time is valuable. My dad immediately replies: Thyme is actually pretty inexpensive. Saffron, on the other hand, is quite valuable","I love my dad" +"I said to my son, Could you please stop listening to Korean music","K, pop" +"My dad told me he only mowed half the lawn. I asked which half","He answered: The top" +"I always use Google Drive for school","Because if I use Microsoft Office, I'll never Excel in anything" +"Did you hear about the farmer","That got the John Deere letter" +"At what age do you start loving red wine","When UB40" +"Did you hear about the man who was shot by a starting gun","They believe it was race related" +"Why did bears have hairy coats","Fur protection" +"Let me share with you Finley Field (x-post /r/4chan) http://i. imgur. com/kOXgYjw. jpg. More of Finley: (not dad-jokes neccesarily) http://imgur. com/gallery/0XFfD http://imgur. com/gallery/L2HRc http://imgur. com/gallery/Ym5V2 http://imgur. com/a/mgVnl OP: http://www. reddit","com/r/4chan/comments/1uenju/finley_field/" +"I got my parents a Keurig for christmas. Me: Hey mom and dad, I got you guys a joint christmas present this year","Dad: We don't smoke marajuana" +"Wanna hear a joke about ghosts","That's the spirit" +"Where do vikings go to get their hair cut","At the Barber-ian" +"I killed a piece of paper","RIP" +"What's the rush. I said this to my brother yesterday & immediately thought of this subreddit. It works because we're arabic. We went on a bike ride yesterday. Bro: hey, let's take a detour & go this way Me: sounds good. I'm not Russian. I'm syrian Ahhhh my dad lives through me","That's something cheesy he would say" +"My friend David lost his ID","Now he's just Dav" +"Chicken needs money. What does Chicken do","Chicken strips" +"An Uber driver picks up a kid On his way there, the uber driver receives a text: “Lay on your horn when you arrive. I’ll tip you twenty bucks. ” So the uber driver does just this when he arrives, blaring his horn for a solid minute before a teenage boy comes running out with a grimace on his face. They arrive at the destination, and the boy’s father comes outside. “How was the ride. ” He asks his son. “The trip was fine, but this jerk honked his horn the entire time he was waiting for me. ” “That’s odd”, the father replies, “go inside and I’ll have a word with him. ” As the son closes the house door behind him, the father immediately breaks into a grin","“Thanks for that” he says, handing the uber driver a 20 dollar bill" +"I've just ordered a Chicken and a Egg of Amazon","I'll let you know" +"I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet","I don't know y" +"I really wish Velcro was cheaper","Everywhere I go it is always such a rip off" +"Bigamist. What an","Italian calls very thick fog" +"Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath","This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis" +"Caution: escaped child psychic in the area","There’s a small medium at-large." +"What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten","KELP" +"I set a record at my company for 12 straight quarters in tire sales. They were","Goodyears." +"What do you call a frog with no legs","Un-hoppy" +"What do you call the daughter of Mr. Interpreted","Misinterpreted" +"My brother read that his packet of butter was Grade AA My dad said, wouldn't that make Grade AAA even better","I said, it would make it even smaller" +"I've always wanted to be a baker","I hear they make a lot of dough" +"My legs have become wheels","I’m really growing tired of this" +"Why do all melons get married in a church, in front of their friends and family","Because they cantaloupe 🍈" +"Dad joked my dad My dad texted me today Beware the idea of March , probably meaning 'Ides' was autocorrected","I responded, 'March is a pretty scary time now a days'" +"Why did the golfer bring and extra pair of socks to practice","In case he got a hole in one" +"Why does leather armor make you better at sneaking","Because it's made of hide" +"I just found out that my friend with a stutter died in prison","He didn't finish his sentence" +"Wanna hear a quarantine joke","It’s mostly an inside joke though" +"Dad jokes at the dinner table Me:- A pea rolls off my plate","Dad:- Oh, look, we have an esca-pea" +"Where does Google store all of their autonomous car data","Google Drive" +"I told my son the other day to never write with a dull pencil","There's no point" +"What do you call a piece of wood who's relative just died. MOURNING","WOOD" +"Where do you find giant snails","On the end of giants’ fingers" +"I asked my dad if he had a black belt. I could borrow Nah","I never took karate -_-" +"So, I'm in Venice, Italy with my parents on vacation. My mom tells us that according to studies, Venice sinks a little more every year. My dad then responds, What's Venice sinking (said to sound like thinking) about","I lost it in front of many foreign tourists who probably thought I was mental" +"What do pirates now do before every voyage","PC-Arrrrrrr tests" +"Why did the stadium get hot after the game","All the fans left" +"My father always laughed at me when. I got shocked playing with electricity","He’d laugh and say, “Son, you’re grounded.”" +"If your nose runs and your feet smell","You must be built upside-down" +"I used to work at the alphabet factory until they started using cheap metals to build the 13th letter","They don't make M like they used to" +"Brother Going Fishing - Enter The Pun Setup: Sadly this joke was not said by my dad it was said by me. I'm only 18 and I have always been the one in my family to say all the [corny](http://www. longfellow. org/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Corn. jpg) jokes. Anyways my brother was about to leave to go fishing and was talking to my dad and I about what he would bring home if he caught anything. After listing a couple of fish I said You might as well bring home whatever, just for the halibut. Then I get that look from both my dad and brother","My dad did start to laugh then, but I could hear his disappointment in me" +"A cat meows to my dad","*meow* My dad said, Hi Ow, I'm dad" +"Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road","It got stuck in a crack" +"What happens when the fog lifts in Los Angeles","UCLA" +"My father dad-joked my uncle My uncle was telling a story about a swimmer had several dolphins surround him to protect the swimmer from the sharks in the water. After he finished his story, my dad asked, Do you think the dolphins did it on porpoise","Groans ensued" +"My dad just called me to ask if I know what a bonehead is. My dad just called me to ask if I know what a bonehead is","Apparently it is someone who is marrow -minded" +"My wife and sister in law taking about rent. Wife: You can just pay us $360, since it's half of the mortgage. SIL: How about we make it $400, I like round numbers","Me: 360 is a round number" +"I had a really nice time camping the other week until my family got into a huge argument","It was in tents" +"I guess I was even dad joking in elementary school. My dad was cleaning out the attic and came across [this](http://i. imgur. com/U7lOSJK)","He was proud all over again" +"Last night I dreamt about colors that can't exist in the real world","but in the end, they're just pigments of my imagination" +"I don't often tell dad jokes. But when","I do he usually laughs" +"I coined a word today","Plagiarism" +"After years of trying, a woman tells her husband she is pregnant. The man, tearing up, takes his wife's hand and says, Hi, Pregnant","I'm going to be a dad" +"Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair. What's your secret. Me: Thank-you. I don't get very many complements on it","Most people are gel-ous" +"I took a class about origami and gambling They told me “you gotta know how to hold em, and how to fold em","” 🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️ Dad out" +"Cashiers are always subject to dad jokes At the grocery store with my dad a few years back paying for our groceries: Cashier: It's 19. 84 Dad: No it's not","it's 2012" +"Don't accept shampoo","Demand real poo" +"What do you call a German amputee","Hans-free" +"My artistic friend paints the most realistic fish, and I asked him what his secret was","He said, “It must be drawn to scale" +"Granddad dad jokes the whole family So we were visiting my grandparents, and just sitting down engaging in general conversation. Out of the blue my granddad announces There's going to be thousands of people in Bristol tonight. My grandmother asks Why","He replies Because they live there" +"It was the funniest thing, attendance was mandatory","I guess you had to be there" +"Caught my wife going through the neighbours bins","She's not nosey, just terrible at parking" +"My dad, the comedian So i was ask to post it here from a post in /r/screenshots/ , so i thought i'd add a story to it: So, my father had asked me to make him a little sign up website, basic HTML format, that he could then copy and paste into a wordpress site that his Go-kart association uses. I made it, put it into a zip file, and e-mail him. I sent him a text to check his e-mail and how to use it. His response was this: http://imgur","com/gallery/IG7mqVs" +"Every time my son is eating a banana, I comment. Son, that looks appealing. Orange you glad you have a berry funny Dad like me","That's it, I'm plum out of jokes" +"How did everyone know the funeral director was sick","He was coffin pretty often" +"Dadjoked by mom I texted my mom, who's coming to visit this weekend, saying It's only supposed to be 68 degrees out tomorrow, how cool is that","She responds: About 68 degrees" +"Why can't your nose be 12 inches long","Because then it'd be a foot" +"Why’d the old man fall down the well","He couldn’t see that well" +"I payed way too much for an under seasoned dinner","It was insalting." +"Husband got me yesterday Sometimes we let our kids use our phones to play Pokemon Go. My 7-year-old was sitting between us, holding my phone, and he wanted to show me something he'd done so he started poking me in the shoulder. I turned to him and said Please stop that","My husband replied, He just wants to play Poke-mom" +"What do you call a singing computer","A dell" +"My family told me to stop saying dead baby jokes. I had to","Abort" +"I've gotten really into the Western genre of films, and I've been looking around to see which one is considered the greatest. Apparently it's a hotel chain","Weird" +"I picked up my newborn daughter to stop her crying. Mother-in-law commented- Wow, she really settled for you quickly","Just like her mother" +"The guy who stole my iPad","Should face time" +"Why are Saudi Arabians always out of the loop","Because they live under Iraq" +"An unsuccessful dad joke made by mad dad at an art museum Me: Dad, I want to see the Vangogh gallery. Dad: Van-go","I'd rather Van-stay here" +"How do witches cook their food","With an electric Coven" +"Just read a book about female clergy sports figures That’s right","It was nun fiction" +"Did you see the new movie about maple syrup","It starts out sappy but ends up sweet" +"Why are cannibals afraid of clowns","Because they taste funny" +"I ordered a large duck at the Chinese last night","The bill was huge" +"OC: What's a bellhop's favorite dog. LobbyDoor Retriever I just told this to my 12-yo and she cringed then smiled","*Success" +"Cashiering at the supermarket Since its easter, lots of people buying chocolate eggs. Two women came up to my checkout with their items, which included a dozen chicken eggs and a few packets of chocolate eggs. As I put the chicken eggs in a bag, one of them asked if I'd be able to put the easter eggs in with them too. So of course I asked, why would you want all of your eggs in one basket. Only one of them got it without me having to explain it",":/" +"A Joke for the Hard of Hearing A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, That's amazing. Where did he come from. The friend pulls out an old lamp and tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish. The man rubs the bottle, and to his amazement, a puff of purple smoke spews out and slowly collects in the form of a genie. In a booming voice the genie tells the man he has but one wish. The man thinks and says, I wish I had a million bucks. All of a sudden the bar is filled with ducks, bursting from the door and the windows, standing on top of the bar, dunking their heads into people’s drinks. “What just happened. ” the guy asks. His friend replies, I know","Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist" +"My wife told me a cheese factory not that far from our house burnt down to the ground. I went to take a look to see it with my own eyes and she was right","all that was left was de brie" +"Dad joke at a band concert. Director tuning the band let us get a quick. A . Dad leans over to me must be","Canadian" +"I admit I was wrong about how good my chiropractor is","I stand corrected" +"What did the facial hair say when it ran away","Moustache" +"My D&D group was successfully ambushed by a leopard","They failed their spot check" +"To be. Frank","I’d have to change my name" +"I had to disassemble my billiards table","It became a pool apart" +"What do you call a crazy guy in a room full of mosquitoes","A bit neurotic" +"I was on a date once. and we had premade salads from the supermarket. She said that when she was a kid she thought that peas were from space cause of their colour","(there were peas in her salad) So I said, maybe that is why Aliens say we come in peas" +"What did the body builder get for losing all his muscle","A trophy" +"Blood. The hospital's records have that my blood is. Type. A, but that's gotta be a. Type","O." +"Why do cows wear bells","Because their horns dont work" +"I got my democracy teacher today. We were going through a slideshow about the different symbols in our government. The slide he was on was a picture of the presidential seal of the eagle. Our teacher went on saying, The president has a seal, the judicial branch has a seal, different branches of the military have their own seals. Many of them look similar to this. and I interrupted saying, Uh. Sir","That's an eagle" +"Caught on a technicality. Phoned my dad. > Me: Hi, can you talk. > Dad: Yes, I've been able to talk for a while now. > Me:","Okay, are you available to talk" +"What do the Swiss call the Bible","The Holey Bible" +"Toasters","Were the first form of pop up notifications" +"What do you call a bear with no teeth. A gummy bear My 5yo came up with this on his own, I know it’s probably been done before","He got a laugh and is proud of himself" +"Don't eat the leftover Cornish game hens","They're a little fowl" +"My dadjoked the hell of me. A rope is at a bar late at night. He's just getting drunk enough to be annoying, so the bartender asks him to leave. The rope begs and pleads and he eventually, recognizing that it futile, gets up and leaves the bar. He goes around the corner and cuts off the end of himself and he then tatters the end. He returns to the bar and the bartender vaguely recognizing him, says, Weren't you in here a little while ago. ” The rope denies it immediately, and responds with an assertive “No. ” The bartender about 75% sure he was in the bar earlier, says “Yeah aren't you the rope","The rope says A frayed knot" +"What is the stupidest animal in the jungle","A polar bear" +"My dad got me with a great one today. So we were getting ready to head to a family friend's barbecue, and I couldn't find my watch. Me: Hey Dad, have you seen my watch. I can't find it. Dad: It's a great mystery. Will you ever find your watch","Only time will tell" +"Did you hear that they were changing the name of the airport in Los Angeles","I guess now it will be ex-lax" +"How many children does it take to change a light bulb. Well it depends on wattage they are","If theyre bright enough they can do it" +"My midget friend is writing a novel","He's using a pseudo-gnome to remain anonymous" +"How does the man on the moon cut his hair","Eclipse it" +"A duck walks into the bar","The bartender asks, “Waddle it be" +"I received my grade for my Marine Biology class","It was below C level" +"I love fishing but I can never pull the fish closer once I hook it","It's a reel problem" +"My wife was worried about meeting new people on our upcoming cruise","I said “Don’t worry we’ll all be in the same boat”" +"What’s a weebs favorite element","MANGAnese" +"High Risk Pun Having dinner at the pub, guy (drunk) walks in breaks the door, looks at his hand and the broken handle","I chime in and say, look mate get a handle on yourself" +"I was paid $1000 for this joke","It was a grand dad joke." +"What the fuck has happened to this sub. http://m. imgur","com/ImM3RWz" +"*Sitting around the campfire with the fam, roasting hotdogs* You'd better eat that hotdog before it gets cold. Me: Because then it would be","a chili dog" +"My dad used to respond with this when I'd ask him 'Why. ' Me: Why. Dad: Because of Art. Me: Who's Art. Dad: Norm's brother. Me: Who's Norm. Dad: Art's brother. Me: Who are they. Dad: Brothers","Pretty sure that did a good job of getting me beyond asking the original 'why'" +"Waiter: I see your glass is empty. Would you like another","Dad: What would I do with two empty glasses" +"Farted in my wallet","now I have gas money" +"I have a basement full of showers I stole","I have no idea why everyone keeps telling me to take them" +"Where does Friday come before Thursday","In a dictionary" +"What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed","Oh sheet" +"When obese people start to change, which countries help them in the process. The supportive friend: U-K. The advice friend: thinland The personal trainer: Core-ia And the health specialist: Germ-any","Feel free to add more" +"Cyanide and Happiness #3897, thought it may be appreciated here [xpost /r/cyanideandhappiness] http://explosm","net/comics/3897/" +"I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives","Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape" +"What does a goat call his girlfriend","Bae" +"Why would you go to a job fair in Asia","To get a Korea" +"A dog gave birth to puppies this morning","The dog was given a fine for littering" +"What did the bra say to the hat","You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift" +"What's blue and does not weigh much","Light blue" +"I'm very suspicious that someone in my family has been secretly adding glue to my weapons collection","Everyone denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns" +"My dad asked me how he could print documents out on his new computer. I said, Control P","He replied, I haven't been able to do that for years" +"My girlfriend was telling her dad about clothes she'd bought. Girlfriend: The clothes cost $225, that's with tax and everything. Her dad: Tacks","Don't they stay on by themselves" +"How does Chris Paul like his chicken","Chris 'P' (Yes, my friends hate me for it)" +"Large hole found","Police are looking into it." +"How do you find Will Smith in the snow","You look for the fresh prints" +"The look on our servers face. Waitress:. We have coke, diet coke, ginger ale, root beer in a bottle and. Shirley. Temple in a bottle","Dad: wait, how did you get her in the bottle?" +"With today being Friday the 13th, I just wanted to let you know that I don't believe in superstitions","I'm an Aquarius, and that's not in our trait profile" +"If you have a coop of egg laying cluckers","does that make you a chicken tender" +"What do you call a long line at a. Pho. Restaurant. A. Pho. Queue. EDIT:. Pho is pronounced. Fuh. EDIT 2:","Only a dad has to explain his joke" +"What did the bra say to the hat","You go on ahead, I’ll hold these two up" +"My friend with one testicle lost his virginity in a threesome","That was 2 birds with 1 stone" +"My dermatologist prefers payment in large bills. But all","I have is shingles." +"What do Jews celebrate on October 31st","Challahween" +"How do you know the tooth brush was invented by rednecks","Anyone else would of called it a teethbrush" +"Dad joked my Mom in front of the whole family. My Dad and I spent the weekend detailing the inside of his van, so this sunday we decided to go for a family drive. As we got into the van my Mom says It smells like Drakkar in here I then turned to her and said I think it smells more like dra-Van","The groans were so satisfying" +"Why does Harry Potter confuse his cooking pot and his friend","They're both cauld ron" +"Every time I leave my house in the winter it reminds me of a jalapeño","Because its a little chili" +"Why did the old man fall in the well","because he couldn't see that well" +"What sort of hat does a zombie wear. A zombrero","Source: my Dad" +"Son was playing Need For Speed. He's doing a mission (I'm barley paying attention). I glance up and there's 2 cop cars trying to stop him. They get on either side of him and pinch him to a stop. Son: Dang. The cops got me. Me: What happened. Did they cop block you. (still chuckling to myself) BTW, He's only 7 years old. He has no idea why I thought it was funny. My wife gave me the look of disapproval, so success was had. Edit: I just want to let everyone know that I didn't notice my barely/barley mistake until after the hop joke below","Thanks" +"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh","Ten-tickles" +"Excuse me, what's the expiry date on this. I asked the shop assistant","Sir, he said, that's a calendar" +"Cheat sheet for Dads on Halloween What is a Vampire favorite fruit. * Neckterines What kind of dogs do Vampires like best. * Blood hounds How does a ghost cry. * Boo Hoo What does a skeleton always say before he eats. * Bone Appetite What kind of key should you always take to a haunted house. * Skeleton Key Why do Vampires need mouthwash. * Because they have bat breath What kinds of street do Zombies like. * Dead ends. What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman. * Frost Bite What did the black cat call the mouse on roller skates. * Meals on wheels What does a vampire never at a restaurant. * A stake sandwich What is it like to be kissed by a vampire. * It's a pain in the neck. Why did the witch stand in front of the podium. * To give a Screech What does a ghosts have for dessert. * I-Scream What is a skeletons favorite instrument. * A trombone What kind of dog does a mad scientist have. * A Lab Be honest, how many did you get. What is your dad score","EDIT: can't get spoiler tags to work" +"I was in a restaurant in Paris and ordered the 'Napoleon Chicken. ' When the dish arrived, I was surprised to find very little meat on it, and it was mainly carcass","I asked the waiter why, and he said 'We only use the 'Boneypart'" +"Why was the ground feeling so low","Because everyone just walks all over it" +"I used to be a decimal","But now I'm only a fraction of my former self" +"Dad. I'm out of pokéballs . Son: Dad. I'm out of pokéballs . Dad: *holds out a finger* Come here. I'll give you one","Son: you're terrible" +"How does one identify as water","Gender fluid I guess" +"I didn’t have money and my pig tattoo artist said. I could just show him my boobs for the piece he did. It was. Tit for","Tat" +"My kid was reading a book about magical oranges. That was some real. Pulp","Fiction" +"These jokes are like paper","They're tearable." +"I'm writing a fantasy novel like the works of J. Tolkien","It's called *The Similarillion*" +"Two goldfish are hanging out in a tank","One fish turns to the other and says, 'Any idea on how to drive this thing ?'" +"As a mythologist and head of household,","My word is lore." +"No BALLLSSSS So my family was at a public restaurant and my brother saw a girl he thought was cute. My dad and I were trying to get him to go talk to her and then she ended up leaving so he lost his chance","Coming from a baseball family my dad says to my brother, You had 2 outs, 2 strikes, and no BALLLLLSSS" +"What do you call a fortune teller that provides his services for free","A not-for-prophet" +"I couldn't figure out how the seat belt worked","Then it clicked" +"How do oceans say hi to each other","They wave" +"What do you call a dancing ocean","Tap water" +"One day I was driving while eating goldfish crackers And as I was driving, I accidentally dropped a cracker into my lap","Without even thinking I said, Darn it, I knew these were going to go straight to my thighs" +"My daughter wanted to play hide and seek in the dark. I said That means I would only be able to find you using sound","so nah" +"I once dated a banana but it didn't go so well","She had a split personality" +"Girlfriend asked me to shave","But I was too damn stubble" +"Double dad joked My mom and dad are moving into a new house, which happens to be on a cul-de-sac. As we're driving there to get stuff moved in my dad says: Oh, man. It looks like we aren't going to have any electricity. My mom starts freaking out and is getting all stressed, and asks how my dad knows that. He follows up with Didn't you see the road sign back there. It says NO OUTLET. He then can't stop chuckling and I tell him how cheesy that joke was. Then Dad says Why wouldn't it be cheesy, we do live in Wisconsin. I don't know if I can ever live up to his legacy","Edit: Words" +"How much does a pirate pay for corn","A buccaneer" +"Why does everyone quote Ben Kenobi","Because he has great Wan liners" +"What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess","Check matey" +"My grandma passed away yesterday. So","I went back and showed her the way." +"Why doesn't Hitler take cabs","He is more of an Ubermensch" +"Me telling my friend Juan about the soccer game last night","Juan we won one, Juan" +"As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees","I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log" +"My kid didn’t get dollars for his tooth","He got Bitcoin" +"I'm going to hang some new shelves, and I broke my mirror","can I borrow your stud finder" +"My hen can count her own eggs","She is a mathemachicken" +"Stay out of the forest","It's a pretty shady area" +"Got my wife at breakfast I coughed fairly heavily. Her: Your cough blew the steam off the top of my coffee. Me: I guess it's a little cough-y then. I grin","She stares daggers" +"Customer dad joked me. This guy comes in all the time; he's a bit older, i'd wager around 70 or so, and he's always wearing these awesome bolo ties with sick button-down-shirts that have turtle patterns on them. None of this is relevant to the joke but i feel it necessary to at least give a bit of background. Any way, he comes in, orders his pictures and when he came back to pick them up, he goes: Hey, did I tell you what the hat said to the hat rack. Whaaa","'Alight, you stay here, I'll go on a head'" +"Roses are red. Violets are red. The grass is red. The trees are red","Holy shit the gardens on fire" +"Me: do you want ribs","Dad: only if you have spare" +"When I was young I had a girlfriend called Lorraine But really wanted to be with her sister clery instead. One day Lorraine got hit by a bus and landed in the ocean where she was mauled by giant penguins and sadly died","I guess I can see clery now Lorraine has gone" +"I remember when they built a computer twice as powerful as the. Cray supercomputer. It was. Cray","Cray" +"My wife gets really mad when I mess with her red wine","So I added some oranges and brandy, and now she’s sangria than ever" +"My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE","” and I said, “That’s Superman…” “Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practising it a lot" +"My dad said he's trying to eat healthier. But every time he is eating something bad for him he says","It's not bad, it's delicious Every time PS his favorite snack is mayonnaise in a tortilla" +"What do cannibals use to cook","Baby oil" +"My Dad was having trouble with his phone Dad: I can't get my phone to sync with my laptop, can you fix it for me. Me: Have you tried putting them in the water at the same time. Dad:","You idiot" +"Did you hear about the guy who kept hacking up hairballs","He had cat-like refluxes" +"What do fishermen smoke when they're at sea","Sea-weed" +"What do laser guns and churches have in common","Pew" +"Why do we use Protractors in geometry","Because Amateur-Tractors don't know what they're doing" +"Sea this. Son: Dad how deep is the ocean. Dad: which ocean","You’ve got to be more pacific" +"TIL that Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic. His name","Julius Seizure" +"I think. Nintendo produces their joy-cons on. Tokyo","Because they drift." +"You guys here the one about two peanuts walking down the street","One was assaulted" +"I wanted to figure out who was spreading hairs all around my house, so i took my dogs to court","But the judge said it was a he shed she shed situation" +"Why did the teacher refuse to pass gas in public","She was a private tooter" +"I handed my wife a stack of kid's vocabulary cards She gave them back with a puzzled look","I informed her we just exchanged words" +"I have a friend named. Bob. He hates it when","I say his name backwards" +"Wrong time for a dad joke http://i. imgur. com/V5BjHmo","jpg" +"“Boss, I’m not coming in today. I woke up this morning and found that I grew a thick beard and have a turban on. ” Boss: What","Man: Yes, I’m calling in Sikh" +"Why do Norway's battleships have barcodes on the side of them","So when they enter port, they can Scandinavian" +"An Australian is walking over to a friend to say hi. All of a sudden, his friend pulls out a gun and shoots him","As the Australian is bleeding out on the ground, he rasps, “good aim, mate" +"Jon Schmidt of ThePianoGuys has a German dad. and he's got jokes. Jon recapping a story of his younger days playing the piano and chatting with his dad. German Dad: You should be on the radio","Jon: Ah, Thanks Dad German Dad: Ja, Then I could turn you off" +"Why do photons move faster than sound waves","Because they’re traveling light" +"Your cousin was born yesterday. Me: I was surprised to look on Facebook to see how many people I know were born on Christmas Day. Mom: Well, your cousin was born yesterday","Dad: No, she was born 19 years ago" +"My father and. I were leaving our hotel room in. Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase. I said Don't forget your","Baghdad" +"Today. I went to the zoo to see the happy lions. After all, it is. Gay. Pride","Month" +"What's a web developer's favourite tea","URL Grey" +"What did the father buffalo say to his boy when he left for college","Bison" +"Do you know the amoeba's favorite Christmas song","Single Cell Rock" +"Why do elephants wear blue shoes. * Why. * * To hide in blueberry bushes. * * (any response) * * What, have you never seen an elephant in a blueberry bush","* * (any response) * * Works pretty well, doesn't it" +"If you were dating a FBI agent and you broke up","he would be your fed ex" +"What do left handed people hate the most about being left handed","As hard as they try, they can never be right" +"Not a dad just yet but I'm basically ready. Me during an unrelated conversation: Oh you don't even fucking know Friend: whoa, language. Me: I'm speaking English","but excuse my French" +"Did you hear about the huge sale down at the boat shop","Apparently it was a big oar deal" +"Starting a hug . My wife and I decided to have leftovers for dinner last night. As I was leaving to pick up our kid from day care, she asked can I start anything for you. I started walking over to her and said you can start a hug for me. She raised her arms slightly but didn't embrace me; I mostly bounced off of her. She was grinning like mad. I *started* a hug for you. This got a good laugh out of me, but she wasn't done yet. You *walked* right into that one","Literally *and* figuratively" +"I enjoy canning fruit","Food preservation is my jam" +"Did you hear NASA is sending cows to space","They're really raising the steaks" +"What does Thor wear under his costume","THUNDERWEAR" +"A dying composer asked to be buried with the music he's written over the years","When asked why he replied, So I can spend the rest of my life decomposing" +"So my daughter was in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit She was born with a congenital heart condition. Just as we're getting discharged I told one of the nurses, Everyone here was so good to us","If we had to do this all over again we would definitely PICU to take care of our daughter" +"Why is leather the best armor to sneak around in","Because it is made of hide" +"Why did the skeleton cross the road","To get to the body shop" +"What do you call a Mexican guy with a rubber toe","Roberto" +"Haven't got laid in so long. I'm getting turned on by. Dwayne. Johnson's buttocks. I think. I'm hitting. ROCK","BOTTOM" +"Son got dad and grandad and mom and grandmom at dinner tonight. Eating at a soulfood restaurant and son ordered pigs feet (trotters) for the first time. Waitress asked him if he wanted hot sauce and vinegar. He declined and tried to eat the first one. He wasn't impressed. Waitress came back later and saw he was struggling and suggested he needed to put hot sauce and vinegar on them. He obliged. When the waitress came back later to see if they were any better he said, Yes","I guess I started out on the wrong foot" +"Dad joked at work. Sitting at work eating Herr's brand BBQ chips. Guy walks up behind me and says your girlfriend is going to be upset about you eating those. What. Why","Because they're her's" +"What do you call a sketchy Italian neighborhood","The spaghetto" +"Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping","Because he couldn’t lie" +"My 12 year old made his mom groan with this. Did you hear about the construction worker's job","Nevermind, I don't want to tell 30 stories" +"My six-year-old daughter just delighted me with a completely original pun: What do you call it when you have to go inside at the end of the day","Funset" +"I named my stomach. Budapest. Because its the capitol of","Hungary" +"Limbo dancer walks into a bar gets disqualified","" +"A clown held the door open for me yesterday","I thought that was a nice jester." +"What did Snow White say while waiting for her photos to develop at Walgreens","Some day, my prints will come" +"My 2,5 yo daughter got my wife in the car We just picked up our daughter from daycare. My daughter (Abby) is in the back seat yawning. Wife: Honey, are you tired. Daughter: No, I'm Abby","Never been more proud of her" +"Started gardening to try and get more dates","Hit me up for a good thyme" +"You know what's really odd","Numbers not divisible by 2" +"Took my mom's sister to the bakery. She hated it","She such a cross aunt" +"I'm a developer for a software called CAM My manager sees me working late on the IM. MANAGER: burning the midnight oil","ME: yeah MANAGER: alright, good night and don't let the CAM bugs bite" +"Dad gives a prospective son-in-law the gift of a perfect setup; the young lad screws it up. (x-post /r/tifu, original tagged [NSFW]) https://np. reddit","com/r/tifu/comments/32791h/tifu_by_screwing_my_girlfriend_nsfw/" +"Fiancée: I'm gonna tackle my to-do list. Me: Drop your shoulders and aim for the hips. Fiancée:","I hate you" +"The future, past and present walk into a bar It was very tense","Courtesy of my lil sis" +"What do you call a shirt with a stoned marsupial on it","High koala tee" +"Where do skeletons go hang out at night","Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint" +"I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team","They called me Soccertes" +"My little sister was reading the milk carton at breakfast. Dad, what does pasteurised mean. Dad picks up milk carton. Well this is milk, He slowly moves the carton past my sisters face.","and now it's past-your-eyes-'d milk" +"The boat is sick","We gotta take it to the dock." +"A dad tries to curtail his daughter's vocabulary Sent to me by *my* dad: > A father said to his early teenage daughter, There are two words I'd like you to quit using so much. One is 'gross' and the other is 'awesome'","> She replied, OK, Dad, what are the two words" +"I heard that alot of people died trying to tell everyone that the earth goes around the sun","I guess it was too revolutionary" +"I named my horse Mayo","And sometimes Mayo neighs" +"I defy the laws of gravity. I defy the laws of gravity. Looks like","I'm going up in the world" +"So there's going to be a Tetris film","I hear it's going to be a real blockbuster" +"Why did Einstein throw his father's clock out the window","He wanted to see relative time - Mork and Mindy" +"My wife and I bought a new bookshelf I was quickly filling the shelf with my books, when she said, leave some room for your wife on the bookshelf","I turned to her with a quizzical look and asked, are you going to fit on the bookshelf" +"I know a guy addicted to brake fluid","He said he could stop anytime." +"The legend of the tutor mice So, let's see that report card. Hmmm. Not so great this term, eh. Maybe you should have bought some tutor mice. What are tutor mice. You never heard of tutor mice. No wonder. There's this elf, see, and he trains mice to teach kids different subjects. You buy one mouse for math, another for English, and so on. Each mouse you buy is a guaranteed A. And the best thing is, this elf doesn't have a shop or anything. He comes to you. All you have to do is sing the song. What do you mean what song. Everybody knows the song. You just have to sing it like you really mean it, and he'll pop up and sell you some mice. Like this: ♫I'LL BUY MICE, E-E-ELF. ♫ ♫DON'T WANNA 'B'","♫ ♫I'LL BUY MICE, ELF" +"I didn't get this World's Greatest Dad mug for nothing","It cost $14" +"What's the caller ID say. Epilepsy foundation","You need to seize that call" +"How much does it cost for a pirtae to get his ears pierced","$2 It's a Buck-an-ear" +"Did you hear that Barry Bonds and Roger Clements didn’t make the hall of fame","Eh, they had their shot" +"People don't like to talk about sex","It's a touchy subject." +"Why was the box so brave","Because it was sphereless" +"Why did noone in the King's Court laugh when the King farted. Because noble gases don't cause a reaction","Credit to u/neitral-fella r/dadjokes doesn't allow crossposting but I thought it belonged here" +"what happened to the wooden car","It wooden go" +"If you ever get in a knife fight with a group of clowns","Go for the juggler." +"Have you ever heard of the reoccuring gag","You will get this one tomorrow" +"What is the most radical form of water","Ice is" +"I'm not huge into puns","Sometimes eye roll with it" +"How did the octopus pay for his newspaper","With ten nickels" +"The nurse was eating a corn","The physician was eating a comd" +"What do you call a group waiting to view the Pride Parade","An LGBT Queue" +"I've dedicated my life to find the cure for insomnia","I won't rest until I find it" +"The stars are bright My dad is a Navy Vietnam vet who is about to be a retired GM electrical engineer. He is retiring against his will because he has had three strokes, colon cancer, a pulmonary embolism, necrotic esophagus, renal failure, pneumonia, basically a medical shitstorm and he survived it all. In the process, he has lost a lot of memory and quite a bit of his cognitive abilities and furthermore, his balance. However, when I took out the trash tonight at nearly half past ten, I couldn't help but notice how beautiful the stars looked outside tonight. So upon returning, I told my mom and dad The stars sure are bright tonight. They look amazing. To which my dad then asked, You know why they're so bright, right. Now I'm an amateur astronomer. Hell, my first and only telescope was inherited to me by my mother who got it from her father. So knowing its winter and I live in Michigan, I tell my father, Because its so cold and dry, the star light isn't blocked as much. His reply; No. Its because the sun went down. So now its darker outside. Dad: 1","Me: -5" +"Why didn’t Han Solo eat his sidekick","He was too Chewy" +"My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same","Then you’ll have a match" +"I ordered a book on overthinking today","I'm really worried it will never get here." +"Have you ever eaten donkey","It tastes like ass" +"I think. I want a job cleaning mirrors. It’s just something","I can see myself doing" +"John Cena was taken to the hospital while unconscious. Where am I","ICU No you don't" +"My daughter told me she learned a valuable life lesson in Spanish class today","No means no" +"Chicken wanted to come up with a new sound. Decided it was time to think outside the","Bawks." +"Why. Do. Adrenaline. Junkies. Like. To. Go. Camping","Because it's in tents." +"On a drive through the country side. with my dad. I'd love to build a home out here some day , he said. I saw a real estate sign on a large lot so I said, There Dad. How about that one. and I pointed to the sign. He said, Nah, I don't think we can afford it, the sign says: 'For Sale. Lots","'" +"Why does no one in antartica have covid-19","Because they r ice-o-lated" +"Why don't melons believe in marriage","Because they cantaloupe" +"First day of senior year It was in English class, and the teacher says welcome to English, seniors. One of my classmates replied with and senioritas","Followed by everyone's groans" +"Why does the invisible man consider cups with the apple logo an invasion of privacy?","I.C.U.P" +"What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day","He met his match" +"My son said my dad jokes are so bad","I told him your mama jokes are worse" +"What is the definition of an acorn","In a nutshell, an oak tree" +"What happened to the man who ate his shoes","He got clogged arteries" +"What did the ocean say to the shore. Nothing","it just waved" +"Not normally a dad-joker, but this was too good to pass up. Scene: kitchen, mother buttering scones as I converse with her. One breaks apart. Me: it's all scone wrong","*Cue groans*" +"I'm going to open a barbershop that specializes in speedy haircuts for men in a rush","I'll call it Cutting It Close" +"Physics Teachers Long Standing Prank In my high school there were two physics teachers. Each year, one of them would ask a senior to go next door and ask for a long stand from the other teacher. She would say, can you just wait a second. Then she would have him or her just wait at the door until they realised","" +"I had an original sub from subway for the first time in ages Meh","It was pretty substandard" +"Wife: I'm not a damsel in distress. Me:","Nope, you're a damsel in dem shorts" +"I made a graph showing my past relationships","It has an EX axis and a Why Axis" +"Dadjoke practice Backstory: I'm a flight instructor, and I was teaching one of my students about the Area Forecast . We were going through which areas of the country the forecast covered, and in addition to a bunch of states, there's a few lakes, like Lake Superior, Lake Michigan, Lake Huron, etc. Her: Why are these lakes included in the forecast. Me: Because they're pretty great","Additional backstory: I will be a dad of 2 in less than a month" +"My boyfriend dad-joked my dad last week. My dad is telling my boyfriend about his cousin's new bar. After a run-down of where it is, what it looks like, etc. he says, You should check it out. They even have a beer garden. My boyfriend responds, A beer garden. What kind of beer do they grow","I snickered when he said it, but when I brought it up later that night I laughed so hard I cried" +"What's the best Christmas gift. A broken drum","You can't beat it" +"Why’d the chicken coup have 2 doors","Because if it had 4 doors it’d be a chicken sedan" +"What do you call a dead parrot","Polygon" +"I told my dad that the price of Gold is going up","He said, “Au Damn" +"I think it’s time to get a new razor","My old one just isn’t cutting it anymore" +"I'm friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet","I don't know why" +"GOD KAREN My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction","So I packed up my stuff and right" +"I started watching a new TV show about fishing last night","I'm already hooked" +"Honestly","Is Bruce Lee's more truthful cousin" +"Which side of a tiger has the most stripes","The outside" +"Whenever I hear a cringeworthy Bible joke","my Psalms get all sweaty" +"In my opinion, the best people focus on themselves","There's no comparison" +"Why should you not ask a horse for it's opinion","Because they are a bunch of neighsayers" +"Radio DJ has dirty dad joke. Our morning show DJ's were doing a story about a woman who seduced a man and tried to kill him with a gun she had concealed in her vagina. DJ - She was concealing a re-VULVA","Thank you, good night" +"Why does the riot police get up so early","To beat the crowd" +"Why should you insult your coffee beans before brewing them","To make sure they are well roasted" +"Just watched Moana for the first time. I'd recommend it if you've been waiting for a movie where people pee in the ocean","Urine luck" +"The scariest machine in a gym is the . Dreadmill. Most carb filled machine. The breadmill Machine that is easiest to sleep on","The bedmill A *running* joke" +"What do you do when you see a space man","Park your car, man" +"What was Medusa's cheesy sister called","Gorgon Zola" +"Did you hear about the hit and run in Nepal","They found Himalayan in the street" +"I watched an interesting documentary about how to fasten two sheets of metal together","It was riveting" +"I purchased a wooden headboard. I asked my dad if he had ever stained anything before","He replied with yeah, the carpet" +"Dad and his final wish","Dad just dropped this one: Being cremated is my last shot at having a hot, smoking body." +"Playing GTA5 Last night I played GTA 5, and I was inside one of those neat clothing stores to buy a suit. I bought a suit, I return to my character, and out of nowhere there was a public transport bus in the middle of the store","I reacted with what the hack, and my dad looks at my screen and says: ah I see, you must be in one of those new Hugo buss stores" +"If you want some of my iron. You're going to have to pay a","Fe." +"Showed my Dad Warm Bodies the other day, he caught me off guard this time. If you don't know the movie, there's a scene where the main character (R) is attempting to drive a car and he's starting and stopping because he can't control his limbs fully. So my dad just quietly goes","Makes sense, he's got bad motor control" +"Got all the ingredients to make a pizza. Now all","I knead is the dough" +"Lighthouses are misleading","They're actually very heavy" +"We were feeding goats at the zoo. One bigger goat was headbutting the smaller ones, and","I had to say: Most of these are billy goats, but that one's a bully goat" +"My dad frantically ran to my room to let me know my car was getting wet It was raining outside","My car windows were all fully rolled up" +"What happens if a wolf attacks you during the winter","Frostbite" +"I'm so glad we had easter because I tried to give up innuendo for lent","But it was too hard" +"I saw a documentary on beavers last night","It was so dam good" +"My wife watches a fitness tv show from. Barbados. It's the. Pilates of the","Caribbean" +"I don’t get dad jokes","They’re just regular jokes to me" +"I tried to explain to my little girl that it's perfectly normal to accidently poo your pants","She didn't buy it, she's still making fun of me" +"My girlfriend says she might be pansexual. [Here is a screenshot. ](http://imgur. com/BgEoASR) Me and my girlfriend were texting each other: Her: One day I do want to try having sex with a girl just to see what it's like, but I think I'm just really open minded about it. Or I'm pansexual which my dad thinks I am. Me: -[*I send her a picture of a frying pan*](http://www. lecreuset. uk/EInBusinessTemplates/Everything/Images/catalogue/xlarge/TNS_28cm_Shallow_Frying_Pan. jpg)- So does this turn you on. I knew you liked cooking, but I didn't know they had a word for it","Her: I'm gonna kill you -_-" +"The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar","It was tense" +"I have been reading too many dad jokes. http://imgur","com/PvviOAq" +"Couldn't give a sh. t I'm out for breakfast with my S. who is a nurse and her family. She's telling us about her patient. S. - He had a paralyzed bowel","Her Dad - He didn't give a shit" +"a book just fell on my head","i've only got my shelf to blame" +"I just ended a 5 year relationship… - Omg are you okay","- I’m fine, it wasn’t my relationship" +"What do you call a cow with two legs","Lean beef" +"Did you hear the one about the wall","Nevermind, you'll never get over it" +"What does a nursing home smell like","Depends" +"What's worse than a dad joke","That joke" +"Dad: Son, let's go hiking. Son: Hiking","Dad: I'm not king, I'm dad" +"Why don’t you ever see crows dead on the side of the road. They always have a buddy to scream “car, car","” (An actual joke my dad told)" +"What did the police ask when in pursuit of the fruit thief","Where did the mango" +"Do you hear about what happened to the Italian chef","He pastaway" +"If the Queen of England farts during dinner, the rest of the guests must pretend like nothing happened","Noble gases should have no reaction" +"Why Does A Miner Need Glasses","'Cause He Has Tunnelvision" +"Who is a farmer’s favorite Disney princess","Moo Lawn" +"A son says to his dad, Hey I'm going to get a soda, you need anything. The dad says, Yeah, get me a beer. Actually, make it two cans. The son goes into the kitchen and is gone for about an hour and a half. The door opens up and he asks his son, What the hell took so long. The son says, Well it wasn't easy","I had to go to like three different pet stores before I found one that sold toucans" +"My brother pointed out that my check engine light is on. It's because it has emissions problems. How did it pass safety inspection if it has emissions problems","I guess the tests weren't very exhaustive" +"Just invented a new pair of scissors","They’re cutting edge" +"My wife ordered a stool form an online retailer Wife: It is arriving tomorrow. Me: If you do not like it, can we return it within 30 days. Wife: Yes, why do you ask. Me: Does that make it a stool sample then. Wife:","True story, including her lack of enthusiasm for my obviously excellent sense of humor" +"If your taste buds don't like you","Are they still your taste BUDS" +"A. Jumper. Cable walks into a bar","The bartender says I'll serve you, but don't start anything." +"My father-in-law is teaching me well He texted my wife the following (my name's Hoss) Do you know what that motion is called when Hoss walks his Harley backwards out of the garage without starting it. Reverse Hossmosis",":D" +"What do you call two guys sitting above a window","Kurt and Rod" +"A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. What's up. he says. I'm having a heart attack, cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, Daddy. Daddy. Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on. The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor","“You rotten bastard, says the husband, my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids" +"A physicist see a man about to jump from a ledge. He yells. Don't do it","You have so much potential" +"What do bees call their wives","Honey" +"My dad every time. I’m getting in the car","Dad: “It says your door is ajar; when did the door become a jar?”" +"When. King. Arthur had a meeting at his round table,","It was an all-knighter." +"Spoiler warning https://i. imgur. com/gfn0utP","jpg" +"I told my doctor. I broke my arm in two places","He told me to stop going to those places" +"I’m so poor","I can’t afford to pay attention" +"What did the McDonald’s customer say to the employee when they forgot pickles on his burger","I don’t know how you guys can forget pickles, they are kinda a big dill" +"Someone showed me a meaningful quote on. Instagram. I told him","I already reddit" +"I got new underwear today","Guess you can call it unsharted territory" +"What did the poker playing farmer say","Weed 'em and reap" +"What do you call a pig that places multiple bets","A hedgehog" +"How did the hipster burn his tongue","He drank his coffee before it was cool" +"What do you call a french man that encourages you to smoke","Pierre Pressure" +"Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change","Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught" +"The wife has been missing for a week now. Today the Police called and said prepare for the worst","So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back" +"My Ex-Wife Cheated On Me With Her Deaf Best Friend","Honestly, I should’ve seen the signs" +"Amazing dad joke at university orientation I'm running a booth at an orientation fair at a major university in the south. New out of state student and his dad come up and introduce themselves. Me: So, how did you end up in the south. Dad: We drove. Me: No, I mean what brought you down here","Straight-faced dad: The car" +"What does a Sushi Chef says before he goes home from work","Roll out" +"Two building tools walk into a bar 1: “Do you want another shot” 2: “no thanks,","I’m hammered”" +"Doctor:. I'm going to deliver the baby. Parents:","No thanks we'd like him to keep his liver &#x200B;" +"My chiropractor dropped a bomb on me. I had an appointment near closing time, and after it, as my GF, me and him were going out, we had this conversation: >Chiropractor: Sorry if I seem to be rushing you. >GF: No, it's totally fine. >Chiropractor: Well I am known to put a lot of pressure on people. >GF: * *silence* * >Me: * *bursts into uncontrollable laughter as it dawned on me* * >GF: * *looks at me funny* * >Chiropractor (to me): Thank you","Edit: Formatting" +"Am I officially a dad now. My girlfriend and I were driving home with out newborn in the back coming from her parents, and we passed a cemetery with the name Axe Factory Cemetery . Immediately I had to blurt out wow I guess they had a lot of axe-idents","To which I was punched in the shoulder repeatedly" +"In college, I double-majored in accounting and dentistry","Now I can crunch numbers AND numb crunchers" +"What did the pilot say to the Xerox machine","Copy" +"What did one angry landscaper say to the other","Your grass is ass" +"Got my entire class to moan with this one. My Ecology professor was talking about Iguanas that freeze and fall from trees","So I raised my hand in a class of 150 people and said I don't believe you, Iguana see it" +"Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors","Because if they had 4 doors, they would be called chicken sedans =)" +"I got pulled over the other night and the officer asked to see my pupils","I told her I wasn't a teacher" +"What did the janitor say when he popped out of the closet","SUPPLIES" +"A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, Wow, in all my time bartending, I've never had a weasel come in. What can I get you","Pop , goes the weasel" +"What kind of vitamin improves your eyesight","Vitamin see" +"My Wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction","So I packed up my stuff and right" +"I got fired from the bank today. A lady asked me to check her balance, so","I pushed her over." +"What did the slutty santa say","I'm a ho, ho, ho" +"Got the girlfriend Her: I'm cold Me: Go stand in that corner, it is 90°","Her: *groan*" +"A young autistic man and Naka-Kon. This is fairly long. My adult son is autistic, him and a friend are going to Naka-Kon this year as they both enjoy Anime. The wife and I were talking to our son about it. Wife: Are you going to wear a costume. Son: No, we are just going to go and check everything out. Me: You should wear a koala bear suit and take your resume with you. Son: Why would I do that. Me: So you can hand the resumes out to hawt chicks and show them how Koalafied you are. Son and I burst out laughing, wife looks on at the two idiots in the room","Good times" +"What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colors","A reptile dysfunction" +"Got a girl in the library. Her: This doesnt make any fucking sense Me: You know what else doesnt make any fucking sense","Abstinence Edit: Her: GROOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAN" +"Me: I’m stuck on this crossword clue—“an unemployed postman”. Can you help me. Her: But how many letters","Me: Zero" +"What happened to the plant in math class","It grew square roots" +"When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject","These days if you mention botox no one raises an eyebrow" +"You kids know what 'buffet' stands for. This evening, my friends and I were on our way out of a Chinese buffet restaurant and a middle-aged dad was re-entering the restaurant to return to his family. As he walked by us he turned, smiled, and kindly asked: **You kids know what 'buffet' stands for. ** No, what. , we said, smiling and slightly confused. **Big Ugly Fat Fuckers Eating Together. ** Have a good day. We nearly died laughing. He looked to be such a normal, unassuming dad, but he made our day instantly better","What a fucking hero" +"I think that something is coming between us My girlfriend who is 9 months pregnant looks at me in the shower today and says to me","I think there's something coming between us Only took her to the 3rd child to make dad jokes" +"I asked my dad “What are you up to today dude","” He replied “about 6 feet now”" +"The most common surname in. China is. Chang. Correct me if it's","Wong" +"The Pole Vaulter During the Olympics in Rio last year, a journalist was walking through the Olympic Village, and passed a guy carrying a long pole over his shoulder. Hi. Are you a pole vaulter","No, I'm German, but how do you know my name" +"What do you call somebody with no body and no nose","Nobody knows" +"Got my wife while doing laundry After filling the washing machine (which was recently purchased), my wife asked me if the load was even. Me: Doesn't this have an automatic load-evener. Her: I don't think so","Me, grinning like an idiot: So what you're saying is, this washing machine literally can't even" +"Dad got me while out Christmas shopping Hey, I just saw a sign that said 'Free geese, come on in and take a gander","' I promptly showed him this sub" +"How does the Pope get paid","Through PrayPal" +"Almost crashed, and then dadjoked. Tonight as I was driving home from work with my dad (10:30PM or so), a huge buck jumped right in front of the car as I was doing 55mph. I braked and avoided the deer and any injuries","Almost immediately, my dad says to me You just saved a buck" +"Beethoven used to compose when he was alive","Now he is decomposing" +"I dadjoked my Co-Worker today. So my co-worker and I were near the Ladders and Step Stools aisle and she asked me: Co-Worker: Hey, could you take this box and put it on top of the shelf please. Me: Sure but I'll need that ladder over there or a step stool. Preferably the latter since it's closer. Then she goes and takes a ladder and brings it to me. Co-Worker: Here ya go. Me: That's not what I asked for. Co-Worker: B. But you said you wanted a ladder didn't you. Me: Did I. Co-Worker: You said you wanted the ladder because it was. Oh I see","*Rolls eyes*" +"Doctor :. You've got a problem in your eyes. Dad :. Oh i see. Doctor :","No you can't" +"Have you heard the joke about getting rid of covid","It’s a riot" +"Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows","They’re making headlines" +"How does an embryo get its food","Womb service" +"I don't like the smell of citronella","It really bugs me" +"How do you weigh an influencer","In instaGrams" +"When I was in high school, our prank was to release pigs with 1,3 and 5 painted on them. After looking for 2 and 4 like crazy they would think","That's odd" +"What's the difference between a old London bus terminal and a lobster with 36DD breasts","Ones a crusty bus station and the others a busty crustacean" +"My cousin delivered this to me today. So my mailman said to me he's going to Spain, I asked are you going to Parcelona","He didn't laugh i think it was the delivery" +"Our trash man tried to make a Dad joke this morning","But it was a load of rubbish" +"What room is John Cena scared of","The ICU room" +"Got the girl I'm dating She was telling me about a handbell ensemble she's in, and asked if I was familiar with one of the songs they're practicing. I said Hmm. it doesn't ring a bell","She giggled and said That's terrible" +"There are two kinds of people","those who can extrapolate on incomplete data sets" +"Every night. I tell my wife. I’m going out for a jog, but. I don’t go, and she knows it","It’s a running joke." +"What material are a clown’s breast implants made out of","SILLYcone" +"You know why I like you guys","We're all on the same page" +"What do you call a group of kids in a school room","A headache" +"Saw a bicyclist today, and my dad came up with this one. What's the difference between a well dressed bicyclist and a poorly dressed unicyclist","Attire" +"Olivia Wilde","but Gene Wilder" +"I was told. I have amnesia. But. I think","I would remember something like that" +"What is a monkey's favorite fruit","Ape-ricot" +"My wife got me. Her power is growing. TV: Julie's driver side door was ajar","Wife whispers under her breath: looks like a door to me" +"I spotted an albino dalmatian yesterday","It was the least I could do" +"My son told me he has no idea what he wants to go to college for","I told him he's got a major problem then" +"What do grapes say when they get stepped on","Nothing, They just let out a little wine" +"Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo","We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds" +"Dadjoked coworker Coworker: I just love Thai food so much","I wish I could literally eat it everyday Me: If you ate the same food everyday, you'd get Thai'd of it real quick Coworker: *grooooooannnnlaugh*" +"Haircut My dad got a haircut today so I asked him:'did you get a hair cut","' My dad responds:'no I got them all cut" +"Have you heard the one with the hole with water in it","Oh well" +"“I’ll call you later”","Don’t call me later, call me dad" +"A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender tells him to get the hell out. He says, “What’s wrong","I’m a fun guy" +"My mom dropped this one on me when I was talking about my classes at school. Me: so I made this friend in class. Mom: You made a friend in your cloning class","She laughed hysterically while the rest of the car groaned" +"How do we measure snakes","In centimetres because snakes do not have feet" +"A chef recently passed away very sad","He ran out of thyme unfortunately" +"Did you know that birds swear the most of any animal","They have fowl language" +"In what African country is it impossible to sit down for a restaurant meal","Togo" +"Reached a new milestone in my cheesemaking – successfully formed some curd","Whey to go" +"My Dad dropped this one when we were talking about the Wimbledon Dad: “. and they say that was the longest match in the history of Tennis. ” Me: “oh wow, how long did it go on for. ” Dad: “97 years","” 🙄" +"What's a broken window's favorite drink","Shard-onnay" +"A psychic dwarf broke out of prison last night","Authorities are looking for a small medium at large." +"In. Avatar,. Aang is 112 years old. Some call him Boomer","Aang" +"Where do Crayons go for vacation","Colorado" +"That's way too expensive just for camping. My wife and I really love the Smoky Mountains. This is a conversation we had today: **Me:** We should get a camper. Then we could go to the Smokies without worrying about the lodging expenses. **Wife:** That would be awesome, and when we have long weekends we could go camping closer to home, maybe by a lake. **Me:** I don't think we could afford a lake","**Wife:**" +"What is a country with a cold name","Chile" +"My friend had mouth surgery Friend: I've been eating pudding and other luiqidy foods for almost a week now. Me: that sucks, when will you be able to eat regularly. Friend: I'm hoping in three days. I want pizza and mac and cheese. Me: Solid goals, brother","I never got a reply" +"What do you call a tree fingers grow on","A palm tree" +"Carly Rae Jepsen: Hey, I just met you And this is crazy","But here's my number, So call me maybe Dad: Hello Maybe, I'm Dad (Sorry Not Sorry)" +"What do you call Batman when he leaves church","Christian Bale" +"What do Kermit the Frog and Attila the Hun have in common","They have the same middle name" +"Did you hear about those two people that stole a calendar","They both got 6 months" +"Which English noble was the most inbred","The Earl of *Sandwich*" +"Got my GF the night she met my parents My ma was making a handmade pizza and was working the dough while my gf and I watched. I told my ma I wanted to help. Gf says oh so you know how to cook","As I grab the dough and start working it I just want to feel kneeded Eyes rolled right outta the room" +"Physicists are playing hide and seek in the afterlife. It's Einstein turn to seek. He counts to 100, turns around and notices Newton in a 1m*1m square. Hah, Newton, I found you","See Einstein, the problem here is that you discovered Pascal" +"I ask my newborn son all the time if he's got ties to Russia","Cause he's a Pootin" +"Making up for a typo with a great dad joke. Dad was talking on a Facebook event post about a cookout/party. *Dad: I'll probably have to get some bear and sodas. * Then another post, though he could have just edited the typo. *Dad: Beer, not bear","That would be pretty grizzly" +"A genie asks, “What is your first wish. ” “I want to be rich","” Replied the man “Ok Rich, what’s your next wish" +"My kid's not getting shit for his birthday","Feces would be a terrible present" +"I hate to see my loved ones leave home","I especially also miss my fives, tens and twenties" +"My dad said this to my sister She asked him where can I find Microsoft Office. His response: The office is in Seattle, right","I know this isn't the funniest thing on this subreddit, but it was funny coming from him, and I felt it was perfect for here" +"Did you hear about the lumberjack who ran out of trees to cut","He got stumped" +"What do being constipated and being bored have in common","In both cases, you kind of just sit around waiting for shit to happen" +"I thought about taking on a side job as a baker, but. I decided","I didn’t knead the dough." +"What does the clock do when its hungry","Goes back 4 seconds" +"(x-post from /r/germany) No matter how kind you are","German children are Kinder" +"You hear about when the shovel was invented","It was ground breaking" +"Shout out to sidewalks","For keeping me off the streets ." +"My Dad when talking about his new jeans. His jeans were still tight. We were at lunch and he said, you know what these jeans and a small hotel have in common. No ball room","I'm 33 with my first son on the way and my dad can still get me" +"If Ariel is a princess","Is she the princess of whales" +"What is the difference between a cat and a comma","One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of its clause" +"What kind of music do geologists like","They really dig rock" +"What do you call it when Batman skips church","Christian Bail" +"When they ask if. I'd like the soup or salad. I reply, Yes,","I'd love the super salad!" +"I was in a restaurant. Could I interest you with a bottle of wine. the waiter asked me. I said, No, just a glass, please. Two minutes he returned. He said, Here's your wine, sir. I said, Take it back, I only wanted a glass, remember","" +"Eating Disorders","That's when you eat your desert first, right" +"They're building a mirror factory in my town","I could definitely see myself working there" +"In the shower this morning I discovered that I was out of shampoo","When I went down to the breakfast table I told my family this, and that I had to settle for the real stuff instead" +"How do you take out a circus","Go for the jugglers" +"How do you know Jesus was Jewish","He was 35, lived at home, and his mother thought he was God" +"My teacher (father of 4) said this today My history teacher came into the classroom, and had very clearly gotten his hair cut. Guy: Oh, Mr. You got your hair cut","Teacher: No, I got all of my hairs cut" +"Recently help my mom upgrade to a 1/2 HP Insinkerator Unit","She now has more power at her disposal" +"What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist and Vlad the Impaler have in common","Same Middle Name" +"Her: Do you think our kids are spoiled","Me: No, I think most kids smell that way" +"Hey dads, wanna hear a cheesy joke","My dad is nacho average dad" +"Apparently you can’t use ‘beefstew’ as a pass word","It’s not stroganoff" +"Great Female House Cleaners Are Not Born","They're Maid" +"What kind of horse only rides in the dark","A nightmare" +"I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles","My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster" +"I used to be really into. Egyptology","But it’s all ancient history" +"My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture","I have a hunch it might be me" +"A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can i get you","Pop Goes the weasel" +"My friend can’t eat dairy without his prosthetic feet","He’s lack-toes intolerant" +"When I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson, he looked quizzically at me and said, “But your name is Brian","” I exclaimed, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson" +"Ive checked and checked and i just cant work out why my calculator has stopped working","It just doesn’t add up" +"I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest","It’s his altar ego" +"Why don’t Christians like trigonometry","Because they don’t like to sine" +"I gave my son his ipad, laptop and smartphone before I went out","He was left to his own devices" +"I painted my dad's envelopes black","So when he sends them they'll be blackmail" +"I went to this place that advertised itself as a zoo, but when I got inside there was only one animal, and even that was a dog","It was a Shih-Tzu" +"My SO got me good today on a walk around We passed a fire hydrant that somebody had put an old tire around","My SO said that fire hydrant is tired" +"Wife: Have you seen where I left my panties. Husband (pointing): they are under there. Wife: under where","Husband: yes" +"How do Mexican women know they found the right man","When they find the Juan, they'll know" +"Did you hear about the lady with the knock off bag","She's an inpurseonator" +"Don't know if this counts or not Wife and I went to chili's for dinner. As you know their door knobs are in the shape of a chili. When I grabbed the knob to open it I let go quickly and acted as if it was hot. Wife jumped and asked what's wrong and I said with a grin that chili is hot She did not find it as funny as I did","Lol" +"Dadjoked my dad at a baseball game. Dad and I are entering National's Stadium for the first time. Dad: Where's Section 219","Me: Between 218 and 220" +"What did the driver with the cockney accent tell the one armed, three headed hitchhiker. 'Allo, 'allo, 'allo. You seem 'armless enough","'Op in" +"My girlfriend asked me to list 10 things I like about her. I only gave her 8","She said: You never list ten" +"Hey kids. Do you want to come watch this documentary on how ships are held together","It's riveting" +"I've just bought. Spider-Man pyjamas","I hope he likes them" +"If you need to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, make sure they’re the same","Then you’ll have a match" +"A recent study shows that students of pot smoking professors live longer than average","Their pupils die late" +"My wife is into geology and rock formations. http://m. imgur","com/gallery/8FMv6d1" +"Why did the empire have such a hard time finding the Rebel Base","They were looking in Alderaan places" +"My neighbor had a BBQ party, and some guest threw a grill at his face","The attack made headlines" +"What nationality do frogs naturally have","I don't really know, but I think they are a tad polish" +"My two dogs are named. Timex and. Rolex","They're my watch dogs." +"Once I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, and my roommate used that to roll his joint","He was high on the list of people I never want to see again" +"My wife’s name is Vera. Every morning I wake up and say “Cactus","” Well it’s quicker than saying “‘Allo Vera" +"What did God say after he separated the light from the darkness","I think I'll call it a day" +"Doctor:. Your body ran out of. Magnesium","Me: 0mg!" +"Constructed this one all by myself. My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap","Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves" +"Why didn’t the family go to the Louvre","The didn’t have the Monet to get Degas to make the Van Gogh" +"Did you hear all the toilets were stolen from NYPD headquarters","Police have nothing to go on" +"Could I please get the William. The William. Yes, you might know him as Bill. My dad used to say this whenever we went out for dinner and he was getting the check. I don't think there was a single server who found the joke funny. He even tried it at a restaurant in Paris once","Garcon, William s'il vous plais" +"*after the train had had trouble stopping in the right spot for multiple consecutive stops* Mom: I guess the guy driving is new","Dad: Maybe he's a trainee" +"I tried to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but I eventually gave up","Good players are hard to find" +"all about sharks A great white shark walks into a bar and orders a beer. Hey, I aways had a question about shark attacks, the bartender says. Why do you guys always swim around the victim in circles first with your fin showing. Simple, really, the shark replies","People taste better without all the crap in them" +"So my 8 year old dad joked his mum. My wife: hey (son's name) I need to sweep the floor, can you please bring me the broom","My son: OK broomer" +"A coworker gave me some peppermint bark","I told them it was good, but not as good as the peppermint bite" +"I accidentally wiped ketchup in my eye. Now. I have","Heinzsight." +"Why don't cowboys like falling down","They might not be able to giddyup again" +"I'm Going to Host a Boat Race The winner will get pasta","It will be called the Penne Regatta" +"English Class My brother is taking an english class at community college before his first semester at his university. My grandma asked about it. Bro: I'm taking an english class right now to transfer the credits into the college","Grandma: What can you say in english" +"Yesterday a clown paid for my coffee","I thought it was a nice jester" +"Hey, did y'all hear that the Norwegian Navy is putting barcodes on their ships. Why, might you ask","It's so they Scandinavian" +"My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall…","But it was his dumb asphalt…" +"Theremin for Sale http://puu. sh/rejLx/30032b0ea8","png" +"I've said it before, and I'll say it again","It" +"How do you make holy water","You boil the hell out of it" +"I groaned to say the least So I have this habit of not taking my money out of my pockets before I put it in the laundry machine. Yesterday my dad came into my room holding a couple of dollars he had found in there. Dad: You could get into big trouble for this you know","Money laundering is illegal" +"I remember when the universal remote first came out","My first thought was: “Well, this changes everything”." +"My Dad at Wal-Mart We were in the checkout lane, putting our items on the conveyer belt, and he said, Have you heard about the new TV show that's out. The one about the cannibal. It's called 'Baking Brad'","Hahaha" +"Got my wife with a subtle dad joke She asked, 'How fast is the speed of sound. ' I said, 'This fast","' It took her a while" +"I read a book on prime numbers to my baby son","and I had his undivided attention" +"Hey officer, how did the hackers escape","No idea, they just ransomware" +"I'd like to tell some chimney jokes I've got a stack of them","The first one is on the house" +"A heart was recently caught in a drug bust","It was placed under cardiac arrest" +"What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer","One sells watches and the other watches cells" +"If. Britain and and. The. European. Union were two people having sex. Britain would pull out and say. I'm no longer in","Eu" +"My doctor told me I needed more fiber","So now I have a gigabit connection" +"What do the starship enterprise and toilet paper have in common","They both circle Uranus looking for clingons" +"Son: dad my friends won’t stop making bear puns","Dad: that just sounds unbearable" +"This guy’s walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night. There isn’t another soul on the street. Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump. bump…bump. He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him. Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run. He looks behind him again, and the shadow is closer. Bump…bump…bump. The glow of a streetlight illuminates the shadow momentarily, and, to the man’s horror, it is a coffin, bumping down the sidewalk. He quickens his pace, running as fast as he can go, but the coffin only pursues more quickly. BUMP…BUMP…BUMP. He reaches his house, fumbles frantically for his keys, and slips in the door just as the coffin reaches his front steps. He slams the door and leans against it, catching his breath. Bump…bump…bump. There is a moment’s silence, and the man wonders if he dares to breathe. Suddenly…. Bump…bump…bump…Bump… BUMP. BUMP. BUMPBUMPBUMPCRAAAAASH. He rebounds away as the door breaks off its hinges. Scrambling to his feet, he charges up the stairs, and the coffin races after. BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP. Terrified, he backs into a corner and starts throwing everything within reach at the coffin — a handful of papers, a vase, a box of crackers, a lamp — but the coffin keeps coming. BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP INCHESFROMHISFACE, and nothing seems to slow it down. His hands fall upon a bottle of cough syrup, and he throws that at the coffin, too","The coffin stops" +"Got dadjoked by a 9 year old girl Friend: I don't think I'm gonna take the essay part of the SAT if it's optional now Little Sister: But then you'll only be taking a T The mom's in the room were really confused at first then groaned","I for one know a dad joke when I hear one" +"What type of music do balloons hate","Pop music" +"What does 1 and 0 do at a camp","They build a ten-t" +"What did the girl play on her musical lizard","The scales" +"Saw this gem on my way to work today If. I came across a mountain lion,","I would puma pants" +"At what temperature do you cook babies","Womb temperature" +"How do you stop a charging elephant","Unplug it" +"How does a dinosaur pay his bills","With tyrannosaurus checks" +"I went to the home store Me: Any two-watt bulbs. Clerk: For what. Me: That'll do. I'll take two. Clerk: Two what. Me: I thought you didn't have any. Clerk: Any what","Me: Yes please" +"What do Jedis learn in biology class","Midichlorians are the powerhouse of the Force" +"What did the drummer name his twins. Anna one,","Anna two" +"What do you call a pastry made from a potato","A spud muffin" +"Did you know that your eyesight actually gets better as you get older","It's called adult supervision" +"We are selling my house. I told my wife that the buyers want to pump and inspect our septic tank","My wife looks at me and says, I guess they don't want us to leave any of our crap" +"How do we save the orcas in Sea World","Through the underground whale road" +"My. Grandpa on. Career. Choices. Me: I want a job where. I can just sit there and people hand me money","My grandpa: You should work at a bank!" +"How do you kill a bunch of clowns","Go for the juggler" +"Dadjoked my Dad Today So my dad and I were walking down the waterfront after getting fish and chips, and we walked past an antique shop. We hadn't been to this area in a while. Dad: It's been ages since I've been in there. Me: Well they don't have anything new","Needless to say he had a chuckle" +"Why do cows have hoves","Because they lactose" +"My Russian friend took a test on communism","Needless to say, he got full Marx" +"What does batman put in his whiskey","JustIce" +"My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening. She laughed. I laughed","Alexa laughed" +"A house-warming gift idea","A space heater" +"Kids, your mother and I are getting divorced. She said she's leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees. I thought she was kidding, but","then I saw her face, now I'm a believer" +"Stranger: Bob. Is that short for Robert","Bobert: No" +"My grandfather’s broken watch is as relevant to my family today as it was to him 50 years ago","It’s a timeless piece, really" +"GODDAMMIT. So me and my twin sis went with my dad to a family barbecue thing, dad was frying the meat with my 8 uncles. They were taking too long to prepare the meat, so I decided to say that I'm hungry and they are slow","Every single one of my uncles and my dad proceeded to stare at me and ** HELLO HUNGRY, I'M NOT SLOW, I'M DAD" +"Im pooping at work and the lights just went out","I didnt see that shit coming." +"I couldn't believe I rewired a piece of equipment incorrectly. I was shocked. So true story, I rewired an electric chain hoist at work today, and I followed the Wire diagram as it was laid out. But when I went to try it, I got a nasty shock. Turns out a customer had tried to rewire it themselves and swapped the ground and the live wire in the controller. mean practical joke. I don't know","But it woke me up" +"The single ‘worst’ dad joke I’ve ever heard, from my own dad. Have you ever heard the story of the penguin who breathed through its anus","Well, it sat down and died" +"My wife showed me a website where you can send your name on a microchip on the Mars 2020 Rover. I told her I'm glad the rover is not going to Uranus. [Wesbite for those interested in sending their name to Mars and not Uranus](https://mars. nasa","gov/participate/send-your-name/mars2020/)" +"Why couldn’t the plane go out to play","Because it was grounded" +"According to Freud, what comes between fear and sex","Fünf" +"Pleasurable Father's Day Sitting at the table for Father's Day, my 16 year old daughter decided to be grand in her wishing me a happy father's day. Dad, thank you for siring me. You're welcome, but, the pleasure was all mine. My mother in law glared","Everyone else laughed" +"I'm thinking about starting a company to provide Wi-Fi in public swimming areas","I'm going to call it IP in Pools" +"What do you get when you boil your funny bone","Laughing stock" +"Dad joke with props. For Christmas my dad gave me and my siblings a stocking full of coal. Also in the stocking was stock certificates for coal companies","He wore a well deserved shit eating grin all day" +"Why couldn't the bike stand up","He was too tired" +"Did you hear about the duck that went to the hospital with a swollen face","The bill was outrageous" +"A Mexican magician announces that, for his next trick, he will vanish at the count of three. He counts, Uno. dos. , and POOF","he vanished without a tres" +"How far away is the Asian restaurant","Close enough to wok" +"My personal favourite of my dads. Everytime we drive up north for the Holidays we pass by the same shop to get something to eat. >Dad: Oi buz, you want a piecost. >Me: What's a piecost. >Dad: About $4","50" +"Traveling up to the Great Smoky Mountains. The black bears have been active lately, but are rarely seen","You could say they are bearly there" +"How does a color laugh. Hue Hue Hue","edit: im dumb" +"My fiance got her brother at supper tonight. Brother: let me try that strawberry lemonade *Takes sip and makes an awful face cause it was sour* Yeah that is not my cup of tea. Her: that's because it's strawberry lemonade","I had to step out because I was laughing too hard" +"I had to leave office yearly because i had an appointment to meet a horse doctor","I have no idea how that horse became a doctor" +"What did one hat say to another hat","You stay here, I’ll go on ahead" +"Where do you send eggs past their prime","The old yolks home" +"I don't think I have a fetish or anything, but","glasses really help a person look good" +"How can I tell if my computer runs fast or slow","I've never seen it move" +"Broken bridges really annoy me","I just can’t get over them" +"What do you call really awesome chapstick. The balm. Edit: My wife's response: God you're such a dork","" +"I dad joked my dad when I was little. Dad: I can't stand sitting on this new wallet","Me: How do you stand sitting on a wallet" +"A Mexican magician tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of 3. He says, “uno, dos","” and then POOF he disappeared without a tres…" +"Dad Was Having an Argument With His Daughter Daughter: You always do this, how can you even live with yourself. Dad: I don't even live with myself, I odd live with myself","*sunglasses were then directly applied to the face and little Susie stood in confusion because she is dumb and doesn't get it*" +"What does Gru (from Despicable Me) like to eat for dinner","Filet minion" +"Despite the fact that Johnny Depp really disappears into his characters, I never seem to have any trouble recognizing him in a movie","I guess I just have good Depp perception" +"Why do melons always get married in a big church","They Cantaloupe" +"What do you call someone who makes ineffective soap","A filthy lyer" +"When is a car not a car","When it turns into a driveway" +"I don't know why Mom complained about how hard it was to put together that IKEA bookcase","I thought it was pretty *shelf*-explanatory" +"Dad embarrasses family at a graduation dinner My family and I attended a dinner this evening with my sister's housemates and all of their families - the first time everyone was meeting. As we all browse the menu someone makes the comment that that they didn't like the duck at this restaurant and my father immediately had to chime in. Dad: You're completely right, it's not all its quacked up to be","Thanks Dad" +"My doughter just learned all about the basics of sentence structure in her English class","She is a pronoun" +"What do you call a lettuce with epilepsy","A seizure salad" +"Justin Tucker delivering an absolute classic As a Steelers fan it pains me to say but JTuck is easily my new favorite Raven. Fantastic delivery. And an even better confused, fake laugh response from the crowd. http://www. espn. com/video/clip","id=18153124&ex_cid=espnfb&sf43653524=1" +"I quit my new job at PetSmart after one day","All the pets were dumb as shit" +"Did you know there's a pastry that can't be made or sold at night","A day-nish" +"A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t. Wouldn’t. Couldn’t. Didn’t. Can’t. ” “Don’t worry,” said the doc","“Those are just contractions" +"Got dad-joked by my boss yesterday. I was slicing some Genoa salami at work and I asked my boss if genoa was pork-based. Without skipping a beat he replied, Yes it is, didn't genoa that","We both had a hearty chuckle" +"My wife just dad joked the shit out of me. SOS Wife: It's Sunday, we have to go back to work tomorrow. Me: Yeah, at least it's jeans week next week. Wife: Wait, so it's Jean's week for you next week. Me: That's what I just said. Wife: *cocks eyebrow* So it's **my week**. Me: . Send help","I'm still in shock from my wife (Jean) pulling this epic dad joke off on me" +"The law states one cannot run in a campground","You can only ran because it's past tents" +"What's the opposite of neutrons","Oldtrons" +"It was a lovely movie and I had a hot date, so I asked her to whisper something in my ear that would make my heart beat faster","She gave me this sly little smile and then she replied, Don't look now, but your wife is sitting right behind us" +"In the divorce I got the kids, and my wife took all the shoes","We each got sole custody" +"A joke my dad dropped on me a few months ago In the middle of a conversation I was having with my mom about old retro games and consoles being pretty expensive these days for collectors, my dad walks in and says: It's too bad son, your gameboy never grew up to be a","gameman" +"Why do cows have bells","Because their horns don't work" +"What does a king do after taking a shit","A royal flush" +"What genre are national anthems","Country" +"This was me to everyone at work today. See ya later, have a great night and if. I don't see you tomorrow, have a. Good","Friday!" +"I haven't slept for a week","Because that's way too long to sleep" +"So vampires give people hickeys and create more vampires","I guess that makes them neckromancers" +"Buddy of mine brought me a late Christmas present at work today He and I are constantly messaging/texting each other puns/dad jokes all the time, so he decided to take it up a notch for Christmas: http://i. imgur. com/adLQdap. jpg EDIT: The bag is sugar by the way","Guess who's bringing in lemonade after the weekend" +"Running out of deodorant isn’t that big of a deal","Don’t sweat it" +"So Black Friday at the Geology Museum was great","There were so many great shales" +"Why don't programmers like nature","There's too many bugs" +"My door to door fruit delivery business failed terribly because of my horrible interpersonal skills","I was driving people bananas" +"What did the musician say on commercial break","Stay tuned" +"3 year old tells Dad Jokes like a pro. My son totally dad joked his father this morning. Son is S and D is Dad. S: Dad, do you know what rocks. D: What","S: Boulders" +"Wind turbine","Big fan" +"To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket","You can hide but you can't run" +"Don't be a stick in the mud. http://i. imgur. com/h2E32OI","png" +"A sheep with tourettes walks into a","bah bah bah bebah bah bebah bah bah" +"Why did the mushroom collector's girlfriend break up with him","He had bad morels" +"Dad joke spotted in the wild Seen at [Fiesta Casino & Hotel - Henderson, NV](http://imgur","com/u0RHkPG)" +"After cooking a stir fry for the first time tonight I don't think the stir-fry was a wokking success","I just couldn't get my noodle around it Nothing but silence so far" +"What do porcupines say when they hug","OUCH" +"driving in the rain with my boyfriend last night it was raining pretty steadily and he was driving really slow. he apologized and said, sorry. i'm just worried about deer","i don't have time for these rain deer games" +"My fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation","We now sell smoothies" +"What do you call an alligator in a vest","An invest- a gator" +"If you're American going into the bathroom and American coming out, what are you in the bathroom","European" +"They say money doesn’t grow on trees","So why do banks have so many branches" +"As the famous Swiss watchmaker once said","timing is everything" +"You know why South Dakota has the best track teams","They Rushmore" +"I bought my shoes from a drug dealer once. I don't know what he laced them with, but","I was tripping all day" +"At the drive thru with my dad","Cashier: sorry about your wait Dad: I'm not overweight" +"My Boss just busted out this groaner. He sends me the picture and asks What do you call this radiant. (pic in comments) http://i. imgur. com/Bum1Jzn. jpg Black to the Fuschia","Ugh" +"Why did the new programmer wear glasses","Because he couldn't C#" +"Dad nearly made me and mom choke on our coffee Backstory: I had bought a set of nice Nespresso coffee cups for my parents for Christmas (original, I know). But these aren't your standard, chunky, ceramic Christmas mugs with snowflakes or Santas, but actually something for the type of coffee fanatics that spend their money on Clooney's kind of blend, *what else*. - So - having dessert; cake, coffee, the whole shabang. - *Me, inspecting one of said cups*: I'm glad I actually found a set that doesn't stay in the cupboard all year like literally every other mug you've ever gotten from anyone. *Mom, eating cake*: Mm-hmm. *Me*: Like, these are actually really nice. I like the pattern around the base and how they're round and square at the same time. *Mom, between bites*: They're very nice. *Suddenly, Dad, eating his cake completely silently up until this point*: You should take a picture of them. Might make for a pretty cool mugshot","- *Cue me barely managing to swallow my coffee, Mom chuckling into her cup and both our subsequent groans*" +"When my kids were young, they were obsessed with the difference between sine and cosine…. As they got older,","I realized it was just a phase…" +"Why did the penguin leave his bride at the altar","He got cold feet" +"What sound do mathematicans do when they drink","log(log(log(log(" +"I used to be a banker, but","I lost interest." +"This morning my wife told me our son had high fived her and missed, only to hit her in the face. I told her it was a. Freudian","Slap" +"A police caught two kids one was playing with a battery and one was playing with a firework","He charged one and let the other one off" +"How did the tree feel when its leaves grew back","Re-leaved (I was told this is better for this sub than r/jokes)" +"What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation","A BITEcycle" +"Dadjoked my wife last night in bed. Post sexytimes laying in bed: Me: Lay your head on my chest. Her: Alright, why","Me: I wanted to give you a pec on the cheek" +"Why did the Belgian go to the doctor","because his cough had become phlegmish" +"What’s a pirates favorite Roman numeral","II" +"Taxes As I'm filing my taxes, I said to my wife in the other room This is really taxing. She came in and asked What is",", saw what I was doing, and groaned then chuckled" +"One round trip please. Which destination","Well, back here, of course" +"What building in New York has the most stories","The public library" +"I bought perforated paper last week","It was a tearable ripoff" +"What did. Jay-Z call his wife before they got married","Feyoncé" +"What do you call a troublesome Canadian high schooler","A poutine" +"Little know fact - Jesus was fully prepared to be crucified","He was cross-training" +"I told my wife she can't go gluten-free *and* dairy-free","That's the bread and butter!" +"Musician Dad - my first groan My wife and I are co worship leaders at our church and she was singing a new song today. She said that it was hard because it was too low, to which I responded You can't sing the solo because it's so low","She flashed me a dirty look and ignored me while she practice a few more times" +"A locksmith had to testify in court recently","He was the key witness" +"A couple of frinds were talking about gun control when I saw an opportunity Where do you stand on guns. You can't, they're too small","Got some looks for that one" +"Want to hear a joke about the body snatchers","Never mind, you will just get carried away" +"Son, come help me quick. Son: Alright what is it. Dad: I need batteries for my camera. Son: Sure, what does it take","Dad: Pictures" +"What's a rock guitarist's favorite cheese","Anything that shreds" +"My stoner friend’s a baseball pitcher. He’s worried that smoking has been damaging his throwing arm","But the doctor said it’s probably just a bad joint" +"The. UK general election results came out today","The party leaders seem to be resigning left, right and centre!" +"Bro you want this pamphlet","Brochure" +"I think my mom's secretly a dad. My mom texted me a picture of her at the beach and said: Getting some much needed vitamin SEA. . this was the first time my mom ever made me lol","I think she has potential as a dad" +"I should open a bakery run by autistic people","Call it Special Kneads" +"At my sister's graduation. One kid threw his cap up in the air too early","My dad turns to me and says, Oops, premature ecapulation" +"What's another name for an owl beak","Who knows" +"I say my secret superpower is detecting Indian flatbread in any given room","My friends all say it's naan-sense" +"What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car","Carlos" +"Why didn't I have a New Years kiss","I don't kiss on the first date" +"Does an apple a day really keep the doctor away","Yes, but only if you throw it really hard and aim well" +"Every damn time I see my dad watching TV Me: Hey. Watcha watching. Dad: TV, it's pictures and sound","Amazing texhnology" +"We all knew our friend was swimming in a river But he kept saying it was lake","Well, someone's obviously in da Nile" +"What happens when two squares get angry with each other","They square up" +"Dropping my daughter off at Kindergarten She tells me to look at the squirrel darting across the street. Me: Look honey, she goes to this elementree too. It's an all-squirrels school","Kid: *silence*" +"What do you call a lottery in the safari. A Gir-raffle","I’m not officially a dad till Oct 27 but I am one in the making" +"I met a girl the other day at the gym, and I was really interested in her. We agreed to meet there again this morning but she never showed up","It doesn’t look like we’re going to work out" +"I crush soft drink cans for a living","It's soda pressing" +"Why did the rich man fail at baking bread","He didn’t knead the dough" +"My wife told me to take the spider out I took him out, and he was a nice guy","Turns out he’s a web designer" +"Asked my dad to bring a full chicken","He bought an egg" +"When Mozart died, you could hear his symphonies playing backwards at his grave","He was decomposing" +"Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet","But most just have 4" +"Dad, I have the biggest feet in the 5th grade, is that because I'm Norwegian","No Sven, it's because your 27" +"Argentina is kind of cold this time of year","In fact, it’s borderline Chile" +"When does a joke become a “dad joke” you ask","When it becomes apparent" +"Work IT and girl brings laptop that she spilled coffee on As protocol, we always recommend that the client turns off their laptop after a spill","My boss walks by and says You know, she's gonna have to put her laptop to sleep but now it won't be able to" +"Advances in medical science has made vasectomies painless and easy","Compared to what the procedure used to consist of, there's a *vas deferens*." +"My dad said this one to me the other day. Dad: You know those tickle-me-elmo dolls they sell at toy stores. Me: Yeah I've seen them, why. Dad: Well, did you know that before they leave the warehouse, each doll gets two test tickles. Me: Um, that's weird","ohhhh *facepalms and walks away*" +"How come no one dared to use the ladies room on the starship enterprise","Because William Shatner" +"Why doesn't Jesus like flying on airplanes","He doesn't trust pilots" +"Dad's humor","Dad: I was a lumberjack in sahara Me: Dad, that is a desert Dad: excactly" +"The Olympics tonight. Turned to my wife and said, Every athlete is planting a Brazilian seeds. That's too many seeds. I mean I can totally see 10 per athlete, But a Brazilian","Holy crap" +"A big cat escaped its cage at the zoo yesterday. If. I saw that","I'd puma pants" +"What type of animal do you never want to play games with","A cheetah" +"I just took my last exam before graduating out of culinary school","The final was a piece of cake" +"A man tried to sell me a coffin today","I said That's the last thing I need" +"What kind of fire leaves a room damp","A humidifire" +"I know no one asked for it, but here is my two cents on Donald Trump being elected http://imgur","com/a/1w50T" +"When is a door not a door","When it’s ajar" +"What do you call it when someone who isn’t a dad tells a dad joke","A faux pa" +"My friend is a drummer who recently had quadruplets and named them all the same","Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3, Anna 4" +"If two witches watched two watches, which witch would watch which watch","Each witch would watch which watch belonged to which witches wrist" +"Dad joked hard Me: Hey dad, so I was actually talking to this really interesting short film producer today-- Dad: oh really. Just how short was he","*long groan and eye roll while dad cracks up*" +"It's really hard to sail without much wind","Even though everyone says it's a breeze." +"SO. YOU. HEAR. ABOUT. THE. LIGHT. BULB. PARTY","I heard it was pretty lit" +"Help. There's a mysterous force pulling me into the floor. Wife: Please get up off the floor and stop embarrassing yourself","Dad: Honey, do you not understand the gravity of this situation" +"My daughter wants to forgo college and become a midwife","I think it's time to cut the cord" +"Like every good citizen, I like to pay my taxes with a smile","Unfortunately the government only accepts checks" +"Why are there fences around cemetery’s","Because people are dying to get in" +"Alcoholic Dog My son got me with this one today. Fyi Merci is our dog. Son, Merci's an alcoholic. Me, Huh","(confused) Son, because she can't control her Licker" +"Will you absorb the nutrients","*Or villi" +"Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road","Because it was stuck in a crack" +"What do you call the friend zone","Palcatraz" +"My wife told me im unable to describe my feelings. Can’t say that","I‘m surprised" +"Why was JFK so loved as a president","Because he was open minded" +"Why do valley girls hang out in odd groups","Because they can't even" +"What do you call a hybrid between an elephant and a rhino","'Elliphino" +"How do chickens overthrow their leader","They stage a coop" +"Have you seen the movie Constipated","You can't, because it didn't come out yet" +"What did the trailer say to the truck when it wanted it to start driving forward","Cargo" +"When you try to pull a dad joke on your dad . Dad to 1st brother - Are you hungry. 2nd brother - No, he's luke . Dad - so where's hungry. . 2nd brother He's over there *points at me*","Dad - No, it's over by Germany" +"My grandad always told us he never kissed his wife until they were married","Of course, grandma wasn't his wife *until* they were married" +"At a restaurant. Whenever my dad got his beverage, he would put the straw in and blow bubbles followed by Put the damn thing in upside down. Then he flipped it over and proceeded to drink normally. I've adopted this one, but wouldn't recommend it on a first date","Maybe second" +"Why was the train driver a bad electrician","He was a good conductor" +"Everyone is so surprised after getting hit by a calculator","I guess they weren't counting on it" +"What do you say to a pond fish who keeps giving you the slip","You're so koi" +"I heard a great joke about bicycle tricks","The setup was so-so, but the punch line was wheelie good" +"Son, lemme tell ya the best way to get a farm girl to consider dating you","* --A tractor" +"What do you call plus sized bees","O-bees" +"What's it called when an artist sees a color that isn't real","A pigment of their imagination" +"What does Donald trump call kayaks","Fake canoes" +"Based on true events Worked 13 hours. Tired as hell, work bestie and I are heading back to the shop to drop the trailers and head home. This douche canoe keeps trying to cut us off, and finally my friend loses his cool and throws a cookie he’d been saving at this guys car. It lands on the windshield. Cops get involved, work bestie gets detained, I call boss and tell him what happened: Boss: is he being charged with anything. Me: yeah he’s being charged for assault and bakery. Boss laughs his ass off, guy has warrants, work bestie gets arrested but not charged","Happy ending" +"Did you hear about the guy who got his gas siphoned","It was an April fuels day joke" +"My dad and I were at a Mexican restaurant A waiter in a sombrero barely missed me when he was walking past with a tray of drinks","My dad leaned over and said: that was a close Juan" +"My wife hated my impulse purchase of a new revolving chair. But then she sat on it","Eventually she came around" +"Cooking out at my house and. I text my dad. Me:. I got the sides. Dad:","I got the front and back" +"What will Delaware","I don't know, Alaska" +"I used to play the triangle in a reggae band","But it was just one ting after another (I heard this joke somewhere so idk if this has been on this sub yet if it has oops)" +"Did you hear about the teens who broke into the San Diego Zoo and attacked a large sea cow","They've been charged with crimes against huge manatee" +"My Dad and I sighed at the same time today","He said Wow, that was sighmultaneous" +"So I check my phone and my wife asks What's up at Reddit. I answer, A photo of a man who was ran over by cement roller. Someone may find this funny, but in my opinion, such jokes are kinda flat","She actually laughed" +"What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab","One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean" +"I do magic shows where I make marijuana and cocaine disappear","It's all just a bunch of smoke and mirrors" +"I went hunting for some fog today","Mist" +"Colleague:. My dad gifted me a wristwatch on my birthday. Me:","Cool, now you have a lot of free time on your hands" +"How much canned dog food should you feed to your dog","About a *canidae" +"When the earthquake told a joke, nobody laughed","But the ground was cracking up" +"My sister bet me $15 that i couldn't build a car out of spaghetti","You should have seen the look on her face as i drove pasta" +"What do you call someone who jumps off a bridge in Paris","Inseine" +"I was just diagnosed as colorblind","It really came out of the purple." +"Was boarding an airplane from Rome to Hungary. A lot of Hungarians and a few Romans lining up with me (alone) at the terminal. I can hear that they speak English, they're all murmuring to each other. At the last second our terminal gets changed and we have to leave the airplane we were lined up to board behind. Instead we walk down another terminal that leads to some stairs that leads onto a bus. We all pack in, I'm positioned somewhere in the middle of the masses when I announce This is a funny looking airplane. EVERYONE looks at me. Not a smile. Not a smirk. Nothing","I crack up laughing at how funny I am" +"Do you guys remember that guy who was hit by a meteorite","I bet now he wishes it was a meteoleft" +"Did you hear about the cheese cake factory that exploded in France","There is nothing left but de Brie" +"Why couldn't I catch mewtwo","I didn't have the balls to do it" +"Today, my son asked Can I have a book mark. and I burst into tears","11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian" +"Why can’t the Infinity car company trademark ∞","The legal battle would be endless" +"What did the cannibal in college eat for lunch","Raw Men" +"How much laundry does the foul mouthed housekeeper do","A sheet load" +"My neighbor is really into music","Even his driveway is hard rock" +"Why do petty thieves never steal underwear","They would be committing a Hanes crime" +"Making a salad with toasted almonds Mom: We'd better toast the almonds now","Dad: \*raises imaginary glass* Here's to the almonds" +"I was thinking about the first time machine I ever built","Ahhh, it takes me back" +"I'm over it","I'm it" +"What do you call an undecorated aircraft","A plain" +"I slapped. Dwayne. Johnson's ass the other day. I guess you could say","I've hit rock bottom" +"Who wrote the Harry Potter parody. JK Lolling My wife groaned, my son laughed and covered his face","Seems like a success to me" +"During tonight's meteor shower. Dad: there's a casserole. Me: What","Dad: That's meaty-alrite" +"I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I had no idea someone could cry for ten hours straight","Even the baby seemed surprised that I could do it" +"I am pretty pumped to watched Citizenfour on HBO Monday, girlfriend replies: Does this count","Let's watch Snowden when we're snowed in" +"Have you ever tried to eat a clock","It's very time consuming" +"What's an equestrian's favorite mode of transportation","A Horsche" +"Have you had a haircut recently","No, I got all of them cut actually" +"I told my wife that I had a hole in my sock","She said, Darn it" +"Jumping for profit Dad: [pointing up at tall trees] “See those trees. Kid: “yeah. ” Dad: “How much will you give me if I take off my shoes and jump over them. ” Kid: [looking up at the trees] “There’s no way. A billion dollars","” Dad: [takes off shoes, puts them on the ground in front of him, jumps over shoes] “Pay up" +"Friend got me with a carrot. I'm over at my bff's house for game night. Her dogs have been playing with a chew toy shaped like a carrot that has little treats in it. I go and sit on the couch, where the carrot happens to be. Me: Ew, I don't want this carrot by me Friend: Would you say you don't Carrot all for it","I laughed so hard because I really do appreciate dad jokes" +"I was briefly considering one of those ice plunge experiences","But I got cold feet" +"Why couldn't the bike stand up by itself","It was two tired" +"Got dadjoked in the pub [Note: I'm British. Doesn't work so well stateside] Some older bloke knocks his phone onto the floor and doesn't seem to notice/care. Me: Excuse me, mate. You dropped your phone. Him: No, I didn't. It's a mobile phone","Goes around on its own" +"What's more amazing than a talking dog","A spelling bee" +"How do you make a Dickens martini","Same as any martini but with no Olive or Twist" +"My girlfriend got a degree in nutritional sciences, then started teaching nutrition classes as a local college","I guess you could say she has quite the appetite for it" +"My professor just got us so good. Drawing professor: You know, it's Jamaican hairstyle day on Friday. Us: What. What is that. Professor: I don't know, but I dread it","I'm still cracking up" +"After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty. Puzzled, I asked him what he meant","He replied, Well, they had to bleep out every word he said" +"Somebody told me that free software was the way forward","I couldn't believe their Audacity" +"What's the most obvious country","Canaduh" +"My wife said she might have to get a C-Section","I hope I don’t get C-sick" +"My wife asked me if my car door was Ajar","I said no honey, it's a door" +"What did one candle say to the other candle","I'm going out tonight" +"What did the wind turbine say to Al Gore","“I’m a big fan”" +"I was playing chess with my son and he said, Let’s make this interesting","So we stopped playing chess" +"Riding back to my house with my dad the other day My dad was giving me a ride home. We pulled out onto the main road behind a pickup truck with a bunch of other vehicles tires stacked up in the bed so that they were about even with the top of the cab. Without hesitation my dad said, He looks tired","Then he looked over and just waited for me to get it" +"what do you call a cow who plays piano","a mooooosician" +"I wrote some new jokes and they’re all about butter","They’re margarinely funny" +"Local hardware store had a workshop on drills and drill bits","Talk about boring" +"My spanish friend wanted to rob a train","He had locomotives" +"A limbo-dancer walks into a bar","He got disqualified" +"A few thousand years ago, a Greek man walked into the local tailor shop and handed over several tunics. The tailor picked them up, raised an eyebrow, and asked: Euripides","Sheepishly, the customer nodded and replied, Eumenides" +"Quit my career as a rubber band","Too much stress" +"I won the slim waist trophy. Glad","I got that one under my belt." +"Radishes are kinda cool Rad","ish" +"My Dad's first job. was circumcising elephants for the circus","The hourly wage wasn't much, but he collected some big tips" +"If Britain leaves the EU how much space will be freed up","1GB" +"When I forget my name, I think","Before I AM" +"What is a pirates favorite letter","You would think it is Rrr but it is the C" +"I passed all my courses except for Greek mythology","That has always been my Achilles’ elbow" +"Why do melons have to get married in a church","Because they cantaloupe" +"My dad always has 2 shorts while golfing","Just in case he has a hole in one" +"I am trying to sell a bird cage where my pet parrot, Nickel, used to live in","Don’t know why people aren’t interested in a Nickeless cage" +"What's the opposite of bologna","Above knee" +"I've started a new hobby of impersonating animals takes on different sports","You may not like it, but this is my lacrosse to bear:" +"Went for my covid vaccine today The covid tester asked if I had experienced a sudden loss of taste","I said no, I always dress this way" +"You can call me delicious. Because","I am bacon in this heat" +"Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide. Because it's too cold outside","Thanks to friend at the bar" +"How do you find Will Smith in the snow","You look for the fresh prints" +"Going to open a coffee house/comedy club","Will call it the brew ha ha." +"My bodybuilder friend decided to quit the gym and get into seminary school instead","Either way, he is cross training" +"My son to his friends playing Fortnite Yo where we dropping","Me: Outta school" +"A set of jumper cables walks into a bar","The bartender looks at them and says, OK, I'll serve you, but don't start anything" +"I asked my dad for $10 for gas, he said Sure, it's in the top left drawer of my computer desk . Thanks, Dad. (x-post r/funny) http://i. imgur. com/EDbzzlW","jpg" +"My brother visited the cemetery today to see our mom","He walked up to her grave stone, closed his eyes and with a tear running down his cheek, said Look who’s grounded now, mom" +"While working on my hives I see a woman with a magnificent body that makes me want to stop what I'm doing. Then I saw her face","Now I'm a bee leaver" +"Did you hear about the guy who had the wrong leg amputated at the hospital. They went back and amputated the other leg","He wanted to sue but they told him he didn't have a leg to stand on" +"What do you call it when a pirate can't sit still","Restless peg syndrome" +"I was going to post a joke about lotion. But","I think it might be too topical" +"What kind of triangle should you ask out","An acute triangle" +"Where do you keep Greek animals","In zeus" +"I asked my mom, Why are computers so smart","Mom replied, Because computers listen to their motherboards" +"Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall","As he turned and sneered at me, I thought, that's a little condescending" +"Dad joked while talking about my cousins upcoming baby boy So will you be breastfeeding him","No I won't be, but I sure hope my wife is" +"My Dad got me pretty good - I had never heard this one before I was over at my Dad's house to deliver a check to him for some money I owed him. After handing it to him he immediately threw it on the floor next to us. I asked him why and he got this stupid grin and said I had to see if it would bounce","He of course continued to laugh for five minutes and even retold the joke during dinner later that night" +"Why do birds fly South in the winter","Cuz walking would be a bit far" +"My Dad just said this, Mom: I feel like lunch","Dad: You look like lunch" +"How can guinea pigs cope so well in the cold","It's Chile near where they're from" +"Thought you'd appreciate my dadjoke marriage proposal Back when i got engaged in 2009, my now-wife and i went for a picnic. I had the engagement ring wrapped in tinfoil in the picnic bag. When we were done eating, i took it out but didn't unwrap it, and then i sneakily dialed her cell number. This was a bit we would do every now and then (call each other in the same room) so it wasn't that unusual. She picks up the phone and says, oh hello, why are you calling. To which i respond, Oh i just felt like","*[Unwraps tinfoil]* Giving you a ring" +"What's the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with big boobs","Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean" +"Did you hear about the bread factory that burned down","The business is now toast" +"Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France","There was nothing left but de Brie" +"Told my wife I really liked her new pineapple scented candle https://imgur","com/tlHbF9O" +"With thanksgiving this weekend","I picked the wrong weekend to quit cold turkey" +"Clean kill My grandfather, in his younger days, retired from his NASCAR dreams to do construction so he could raise a family. Fast forward 45 years to 1994. I was around 15. My grandfather, grandmother, her mother, and I were on the return trip from the Costco and liquor store just inside the no sales tax state of Oregon. My grandfather was, as usual, driving. He raced for Lincoln and they sponsored him so they gave him a really good lifetime discount. He drove a brand new Continental his entire life. He always raced down to Oregon as fast as he could and then tried beating his time while driving back. Suddenly, at about 140mph, a Pheasant committed suicide on the front end. We could see feathers occasionally come loose. Grandpa already had a couple minutes to make up. Needless to say, despite my grandma's insistance, stopping to investigate wasn't in the plans. When we got home, he was cussing an ill timed traffic light with a bored motorcycle cop parked on the sidewalk waiting for his target. My grandma and great grandma nearly died when, without batting an eye, grandpa pulled the Pheasant off the car, grabbed his Gerber knife, and stripped, cleaned, and threw the bird on the BBQ. I was in dying from laughter at this point. Grandma and my great grandma were dying from embarrassment. He offered them some and grandma angrily refused for the 3 of us, calling it road kill","Without skipping a beat, he calmly replied This isn't road kill, it's Continental Wild Pheasant, Twice-Grilled" +"What time is it when you can buy tea for two dollars","2:40 (Two for Tea)" +"I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day","Oops e-daisies" +"My Dad really helps me improve my geographical knowledge **Me** (trying to name all the countries in Asia): Hey Dad, where's Macau. **Dad**: Oh, it's right next to Mabull","Ever since I enlightened him to the existence of dad jokes, he's pulling them out more than usual" +"What's the best name for a discreet tailor shop","Ahem, ahem" +"Fiancée was distraught about killing a duck. tried cheering her up with a dad joke. So my fiancée came home from work earlier this week, clearly upset. I asked what was wrong and she went on to tell me about how she accidentally ran over a duck. In an attempt to comfort her, my compassionate and empathetic self responds with, well I guess it's safe to say the duck suffered from a *quacked* skull huh","She was not amused" +"My wife hit me with a good joke this morning She told me that she’s a woman. She has ovaries","And maybe that’s why she ovary acts" +"The other day. I was wondering why lightning exists","Then it struck me" +"What did the potato name his son","Chip" +"Where do cows go after elementary school","To a second dairy school" +"Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party","To find a tight seal" +"My girlfriend won't be complaining about her contact lenses for a while My girlfriend was talking about her contact lenses, she's been having a bit of a problem with them","Girlf: One of them is never right Me: That'd be the left one Needless to say there was a lot of sighing from her end whilst I glow basked in the moment" +"Who is the most impressive guy in a restaurant","The Waiter He just brings so much to the table" +"My favourite piece in chess is the rook","It is the most straight-forward" +"One of my buddies asked me if I could find out what the largest organ in the human body was. So I googled and told him exactly what I found","Basically a skin for a friend" +"Got my roommate after he took out the bins Our bins had been overflowing for weeks and neither of us wanted to take them out. One day I get home from work to find the bins emptied","My roommate says I ended the bin Cold War And my reply was Well I guess that makes you Garbagechev" +"Back when my dad was teaching me to drive, he said this: Dad: What does the yellow light mean. Me: Slow down","Dad: W h a t d o e s t h e y e l l o w l i g h t m e a n" +"How did the cannon lose his job","He was fired" +"My wife tries to hide the bottle of ketchup from me, but I can always spot it","My Heinz sight is 20-20" +"I built an electric fence around my property yesterday","My neighbor is dead against it" +"I could hardly carry my salad plate the other day","It was very cucumbersome" +"My drug test came back negative","My dealer sure has some explaining to do" +"They finally caught the guy who never uses any punctuation","He's serving a lifelong sentence." +"I just pooped in the elevator","And i took that shit to the next level" +"If you never convert fractions to decimals,","You are missing the point." +"This is Gold [Beware](https://www. reddit","com/r/dadjokes/comments/814pbh/au/)" +"Did you hear about the Italian chef that died","He pasta way" +"My friend said. “I am late. I have to go and feed my baby hamsters","” I said, “ Are you sure your baby would like it" +"Dad joke on the way home from Mother's Day dinner My mom emigrated from Hungary when she was quite young. After dinner, my parents were deciding which way would be the best way to drive home. Mom: I think I'm just going to head back the same way I came","Dad: Hungary is a little far to drive tonight, honey" +"After he installs the new granite surfaces in your kitchen, does the. Cabinet","Maker hand you a counter fit bill?" +"A limbo champion walked into a bar","He was disqualified" +"People ask me why. I hate grapes","I have my raisins" +"My son just finished his dissertation on Native American culture","It's his Seminole work" +"I stopped ironing my clothes","I have less pressing concerns" +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon","Great food, no atmosphere" +"The only thing Flat Earthers have to fear","is sphere itself" +"One cold, winter morning, my wife texted me, Windows frozen, won't open. I texted back: Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer","She texted back 10 minutes later, Computer really messed up now" +"My Dad has NO Sense of Humor We were sorting clothes out of the dryer and I noticed that I was missing a sock (sneaky bugger). I told my dad this and he turns to me and says: Man, that really socks","The Daddest Dad joke in history" +"I'm going to write down the first idea that comes to mind and get on a treadmill","And just run with it." +"My boyfriend was looking at smart watches online. So","I asked if he found any worth his time." +"What kind of fruit do you give a guy when you want him to leave your home","Mango" +"Ok so my mum nags me a lot So my mum nags me a lot and before we were going out she told me to put my socks on and i got pissed off so i said you don't need to tell me to put my fucking socks on","then my dad comes out with no just put your regular socks on" +"I just got dad joked by a garbage truck Their slogan is, Our business stinks, but it's picking up","Got to work, and I'm still groaning" +"Why is everyone over there waiting for juice","That's the punchline" +"What do you call cows that don't produce milk","Udder disappointment" +"I went to the zoo It was empty, except for one dog","It was a shihtzu" +"I never wanted to believe, that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker","But when I got home, All the signs were there" +"My dog ate my computer science homework","It took him a couple of bytes" +"Gurl are you copper. Cause I sure want to Cu again","" +"So proud of my wife. Me: “want to make some cookies this weekend","” My wife: “sure, we can add it to the to-dough-list”" +"My dad loves this one. Every time a server at a restaurant asks for a name my dad responds with Bob. With one o","Someone still got it wrong once" +"What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature","Tequila Mockingbird" +"Just 5 minutes ago to my wife. There was a loud noise from the dining room. I walk in to see my wife slumped over the table. She answers my inquisitive look with I just clocked my knee","How fast was it going" +"At an Indian restaurant. (Pointing at naan) You know what this is. Bread You know what this isn't","A number" +"I've spent two years looking for my ex's killer","But no-one will do it." +"There's been an explosion in a French cheese factory","Reports state that there's nothing left but de Brie" +"Why did dad shave his daughters barbie","She wanted 100 doll hairs" +"What do you call a flying horse that’s about to give birth","Pregasus" +"Why wasn't Barbie ever able to get pregnant","Ken always came in another box" +"Where does a general keep his armies","In his sleevies" +"What’s invisible and smells like carrots","Bunny farts 🥕💨" +"Two guys are on opposite sides of a river. One yells to the other Hey. How do I get to the other side","The other responds You are on the other side" +"I think they hurt themselves rolling their eyes. I went out to Denny's and I was looking at the menu. Disgusted I had to tell everyone I had to order from the breakfast menu","They asked why and I told them because I am lack toast intolerant" +"I asked my North Korean friend how things were going there","He said, I can't complain" +"What do you give the girl who’s got everything","Antibiotics" +"What kinda bees produce milk","boobies" +"Looked everywhere for some large grain sandpaper, decided to try one last store","They were out of stock of coarse" +"Today. I'd like to give a shout-out to my dad and the sidewalk","For keeping me off the streets." +"Bobby was introduced to Terry and said Terry is a girl's name. Terry then proceeded to stab Bobby in the chest","Bobby died of dissin' Terry" +"So a zombie walks into a bar. And orders a drink, the bartender says sure","I've never seen a stiff drink before" +"My parents left me to care for our 3 cats for a while. This morning I woke up with all three of them sleeping on top of me (Ally), so I sent a picture to my parents asking am I crazy cat lady yet","My dad's response: No, they are just alley cats" +"Masochist: Hit me","Sadist: No" +"Why does Moon-rock taste better than Earth-rock","Because it's a little meteor" +"Why was the Chinese guy always stressed out","He had a Taipei personality" +"What’s a pirates favorite letter. Arrrrrr. No","You think that’d be me favorite, but the SEA be me favorite" +"Who has more lives than a cat. A frog","They croak every night" +"A polar bear cub goes up to his dad and asks, Poppa. Am I a purebred polar bear. His dad says yes. And you and momma. Are you both purebred polar bears. Of course, son. If you're purebred, we would have to be. What about your parents. Were they purebred polar bears. Yes, son. This is what I'm trying to tell you. What about mom's parents. Were they purebred polar bears. Son, they have to be. Look, you're a purebred polar bear, we're all purebred polar bears, okay. Why do you keep asking if you're a purebred polar bear","Because I'm freezing" +"Why is dark spelled with a k and not with a c","Because you can’t see in the dark" +"Told my son his bike wasn't going to work","It was two tired" +"How does the ice cream store train it’s employees","At Sundae school" +"I dadjoke customers a lot. I work retail and we have a loyalty program that requires an email address. Every time someone gives me an email with a number at the end (ex: your. name91@internet. com) I ask if the first 90 were already taken","I'm the only one who laughs" +"I just deleted the. German names from my phone. Now it's. Hans free (Credit. BBC. World","Service)" +"Guess who. I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed","Everybody." +"What's grey and goes 400 miles an hour","A rocket powered elephant" +"A horse walks into a bar. So a horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks if he wants a beer. The horse goes neigh. So the bartender kicks him out for wasting space, and on top of it, horsing around. 30 minutes later, a donkey comes in, orders the most expensive drink and a round for the house. When it comes time to pay the tab, the donkey says, oh, by the way, you kicked out my husband, a horse, earlier, then walks out without paying","The bartender was upset, but knew he'd serve the occasional horse's ass" +"I cut my finger slicing cheese","I think I might have grater problems" +"30 is the best time on a clock","Hands down" +"What do you say when your son says he wants to be an Audiologist","What" +"Why did the ice cream sundae break up","The banana split" +"Apparently, we're starting Christmas early this year. [http://i. imgur. com/Ze1R8Y2","jpg] Because we already have an elf on the shelf" +"I was explaining to my dad what I did for my birthday. Me: So Stephany and I took a ferry across the bay to go eat lunch Dad: Oh that sounds nice. What was his name. Me:. Whose name","Dad: The fairy that you took out to lunch" +"The restaurant had so many problems I didn't know what to complain about first","So I asked to see the whine list" +"Did you hear the one about the guy with the echo","with the echo" +"What do you call an Italian from the hood","Spaghetto" +"I don't usually tell dad jokes. But when","I do, he laughs." +"The abortion clinic did not know what to do","They were Unplanned Parenthood" +"This my favorite dad joke. It's also my dads favorite joke Two tall old trees are standing in a park arguing over the sapling growing between them The first tree says its a son of a birch . The second tree says its a son of a beech . Back and forth they argued. Its a son of a birch . No, its a son of a beech . Finally a woodpecker flew over and ask what all the commotion was about. First tree, it's a son of a birch and I know it . Second tree, You're wrong its a son of a beech . Woodpecker finally says Gentlemen why don't I just fly down there and ask it . The woodpecker flew down to the sapling and was away for awhile before returning. Finally when he returned both trees asked well was it a son of a birch or beech","You're both wrong replied the woodpecker, it was the best little ash I ever stuck my pecker in" +"Did you hear about the singing farmer who was big in the 80s","He was Haulin' Oats" +"I was watching a documentary about Jesus when the host announced that they are having a commercial break","Jesus of Nazareth will return" +"Why do Smurfs only live one Smurf per house","Because despite their houses' appearance, they don't have mush room" +"A son is asking his father for advice on college courses Son: Dad, is it normal to drop a minor in college if your classes are too difficult. Dad: I did once","That was the *last* time I ever babysat" +"Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships","So when they arrive back in port, they can Scandinavian" +"How do you describe a steep joke","Hill-arious" +"My dog was licking himself. My brother and. I both yelled at him to stop and my dad came out of nowhere and said he must have his licker license","We both let out a sigh." +"Have you heard about the recent Irish population increase","It's Dublin" +"Why can’t you tell jokes to a kleptomaniac","They always take things, literally" +"My son was hvaing trouble with his math homework. He was working on angle measures, and had just been learning how to calculate measures for more complex quadrilaterals. While doing his homework, I hear him from across the room groan and say quite loudly Why can't they just be squares. So I entered the room to see what was up","Deciding to be the dad I am, I said; I take it everything's not all right" +"I got my wife with this in the grocery store: Her: Do you like kalamatas or castelvetranos. Me: I don't know, I like olive them","Her: &lt;sighs and takes the cart further down the aisle>" +"My girlfriend was a bit upset that she had just hit and killed a bat with her car. So I tried to cheer her up: Well do you know what the last thing that went through his head was. what","His bum" +"I want to move to Switzerland. The people are pleasant and the economy is great","Also the flag is a big plus" +"What's going on. I can see right through you. My son told me he's transgender.","so that makes me transPARENT" +"What is a computer that can write songs","A Dell" +"A friend asked me, “Do you know how many Germans it takes to change a lightbulb","” I answered, “Nein" +"I always wear a bulletproof vest when playing my computer. In case","I get hit by screenshots" +"Why do chicken coups only have two doors","Because if it had four it would be a chicken sedan" +"What do planets like to read","Comet Books" +"Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick","I think I might be Lacoste intolerant" +"What's the most deadly Sea","Hepatitis" +"How did Hitler feel when the allies attacked his bunker","He was Fuhrerious" +"Coffee I was on the plane and the man came round with the refreshment tray and asks you for coffee","So i replied, you fuck offy i was here first" +"My girlfriend left a note on my fridge this morning saying this isn't working, bye . I opened it up and it was working fine, so","I'll just wait till she's home to ask her what she meant." +"What happened to the wooden car with wooden seat, wooden keys, and a wooden engine","It wooden start" +"You can ask. Rick. Astley for his collection of. Pixars movies all you want. He's never gonna give you","Up" +"What does a pterodactyl urinating sound like","Nothing, the p is silent" +"can't decide if i want to go to the","Hives concert don't want to make any rash decisions" +"What did one mountain day to the other during the earthquake","It's not MY fault" +"My wife said she needed to pair her iPhone to her watch","I replied, I though it was an apple not a pear" +"I was talking to a rancher today. I said, “I have 54 sheep. Can you round them up for me. ” “Sure,” he said","“60" +"What did Putin say to the Ukrainian protesters","Crimea River" +"My Pastor Told Me a Dad Joke My best friend's dad is my Pastor, I was talking to my Pastor (whose name is Malcam) about being George Washington in class today, he replied with I was named after George Washington. How","He was named in the 1700's, I was named in the 1900's" +"I have a friend from. Prague who. I like to play chess with","Czech mate" +"My wife asked me to stop singing. Wonderwall","I said maybe" +"Memory foam pillows are garbage. I have been sleeping on one for years and it hasn't helped me remember anything","Courtesy of my mom's coworker" +"I made a playlist for hiking. # It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem","📷 I call it my Trail Mix" +"Back in the 90s,there was a man stealing tyres from police cars belonging to my precinct","We had to work tirelessly to find the culprit" +"Dad and son go to a bar. A boy with no arms, no legs and no torso in fact he's just a head has just turned 18 so his dad takes him to a pub for his first pint. He takes a sip and wuuush out pops his torso. He takes another sip and wuuush out pops his two arms and another wuuuush out pop his legs. He gets so excited he runs out into the middle of the road and gets hit by a lorry","The guy at the bar says to the boys dad, He should have quit while he was a head" +"My son said he was cold and asked what he could do","I said sit in the corner, its 90 degrees" +"I'm really scared of the ocean","It's one of my deepest fears" +"Got dadjoked while watching the news News comes on relating to how California was being pushed to be split into 3 different states. 3 different states. So what state would we be in","Confusion" +"What's a universe","A short poem" +"What do Vikings use to encrypt their messages","Norse code" +"The floor indicator light in the elevator of my local office is broken and rarely gives the correct floor number","It's wrong on so many levels" +"Whats the best pickup line","A fishing pole" +"What's the Lone Ranger's favorite flavor of candy","butter rum butter rum butter rum rum rum" +"Two windmills are in a field. One asks the other “what’s your favorite genre of music","” The other replies “I’m a pretty big metal fan" +"I used my carpentry skills to fix a creaky stair","I mean, screw that noise" +"You're gonna need to read this a few times","Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is." +"I had to get glasses for my calender","There were to many blind dates" +"I gave all my dead batteries away today","Free of charge" +"Birthday Cake A group of friends were talking about different flavors of ice cream when one asked, Have you ever had birthday cake","Me: Every year" +"Don’t interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle","Chances are, you’ll hear some crosswords" +"I replaced my cats litter with pop rocks to scare the shit out of her","Litterally" +"How heavy is a lamp","I don’t know, but they’re usually pretty light" +"Why do robbers like to steal from bakeries","Because, they have dough" +"Researchers discovered that King John in medieval England created the first comic strip. It was called the Mangacarta","(A gem from my dad a few days after visiting the Kyoto Manga Museum" +"I was eating wings with my son. My son, wife and I were at Boston Pizza, we ordered 5 salt-and-pepper wings and 5 teriyaki wings. Me: Son, how are those wings tasting","Son: They're not teri-yucky He's becoming a Dad" +"My Son will make a great dad some day. My son is 5. He was cutting out paper and put it in the shape of a (very crude) gun. Dad, what kind of gun does this look like. I dunno son - it kind of looks like a hand gun. Son: A gun that shoots out hands.","he got me" +"Dad and I were cleaning the house My dad and I were cleaning the house to surprise my mom. He was vacuuming the floor. He stops, shuts of the vacuum, looks at me with a straight face and says, I'm a vacuum pimp because I'm always using the hose","He then started vacuuming again like nothing happened" +"What happened to Voldemort's face","Nobody nose" +"Did you know that Matthew McConaughey's Lincoln can't make left turns","It just goes all right, all right, all right" +"What happened when the Norse God of Thunder dropped his hammer on his hand","He had a Thor Thumb" +"A piece of string walks into a bar. He sits at the bar and asks the barkeep, I'd like a drink, please. The bartender looks at him and says, I'm sorry, but we don't serve string here. You need to go. The string reluctantly says Okay. and leaves. Outside, the string gets the idea to tie himself up and try again. He goes back into the bar and sits down and asks for a drink. The bartender turns around and says, Look man, I told you we don't serve string here. Please leave. The string gets up and heads back outside. Determined, the string decides to try one more thing. He decides to mess up his hair, wait a bit, and try again. The string walks back into the bar and sits down and asks the bartender, Hello sir, I'd like a drink, please. The bartender looks over and says, Hey, weren't you just in here not too long ago","The string looks him in the eye and replies confidently, I'm a frayed knot" +"What do you call a dinosaur covered in bacon","Jurassic pork" +"If Despacito 2 actually happens","would it be called a Despasequel" +"Top news story today: A man dies when a pile of books lands on him","Police say, he had only his shelf to blame" +"What did the clock do when it was hungry","It went back four seconds" +"What do you call a bear trapped in the rain","A drizzly bear" +"Wanna hear a joke about construction","I'm still working on it" +"Why do people hate camping with octopuses","Tent-tickles" +"It's easy to forget, but Bill Clinton is a dad too. https://twitter","com/billclinton/status/856208111132192768" +"Tables turned and got one on my dad today *Driving down driveway* Dad: the driveway's getting pretty bumpy, it needs to be grated","Me: I'd give it a D+" +"I told my friends that I hate people who play the guitar that makes deep noises","I don't know why they're all calling me a bassist now" +"Did you hear. One attendee dumped a pot of Earl Grey over another attendee's head at the apiarists' convention","Truly, brewed tea was in the eye of the bee-holder" +"My biology professor caught us with this one at the end of class How do you make a hormone","You leave without paying" +"That's BS Dad: Time for bed now. I have to seep. You should sleep. Me: Aw come on it isn't even 11. That's BS. Dad: It is BS. . BED SYNCHRONIZATION","Me: Bye" +"Yesterday my wife thought she saw a cockroach in the kitchen, she sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly. Today","I'm putting a cockroach in the bathroom" +"Couldn't have said it butter myself Brother: Is margarine healthier than butter","Nephew: Margarinally healthier" +"Is Poseidon your father","Cause you're a son of a beach" +"Asked my wife which tie looked nicer, the red or the blue","She said it was a tie" +"I'm a Historian","When People Ask Me if My Work Keeps Me Busy, I Always Have to Tell Them: I've got a lot of time on my hands" +"Who built King Arthur's Round Table","Sir Cumference" +"Why are bananas inconsiderate drivers","They always peel out" +"Answering the phone when he knows who it is City morgue","You stab 'em we slab 'em" +"I asked my chickens why they crossed the road","They balked" +"Dad joked my friend while discussing a restaurant My friend went to a restaurant with work and was talking about how fancy the place was. Me: How much was it. Him: It was like $30/plate. Me: Wow how much did the food cost","*groan*" +"My wife and I are going on a trip to San Francisco to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing the Golden Gate in person. She said, “ What are you going to do when you finally see it","” I said, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there" +"Did you hear of the debate following a recent study which found mixing marijuana into cattle feed can reduce their carbon footprint","The steaks have never been higher" +"What happens when you add one bean to a 239 bean soup","It becomes too farty" +"I invented a new word","Plagiarism!" +"I went trick or treating as a skeleton once","I didn't have any-body to go with" +"What vegetable is almost as cool as a cucumber","A radish" +"Dad joked while trying to save my money I accidentally put my wallet through the wash last night","This morning, as I was drying its contents with a hair dryer, my uncle walks in and immediately says you do know that money laundering is a crime, right" +"Looking At Work Announcements Every regular shift has to be certified to use CPR in case of an emergency, and there was an announcement about a class on the announcements, but it was phrased in a weird way. If you need CPR, please sign up at the front desk","Well I can't really sign up as I'm very near death right now" +"My girlfriend asked what's a dad joke","As a definition I showed her this one" +"Why did the Beet cross the road","Because, the Beet goes on" +"I had that awkward, How come your willy is so much bigger than mine. conversation with my son in the bathroom this morning","He said, I don't know, dad, I'm only three" +"I ran into the office this morning and switched the m and n keys on as many keyboards as I could","Some might call me a monster but The rest are definitely goimg to call ne a nomster" +"dad dropped this one on me today: whats the difference between a cow and 9/11","You can't milk a cow for 13 years Iamsosorry" +"Why has Tigger got no mates","Because he plays with Pooh" +"The doctor walked into the room with a sad look on his face and handed me a new born baby. He told me “sorry your wife didn’t make it”","I then handed him the baby back and said “well bring me the one my wife made”" +"Have you heard of atheism","It’s a non-prophet organization" +"What fruit cannot get married in Las Vegas","Cantaloupe" +"I hate when people ask what I’ll be doing in a year","I don’t have 2020 vision" +"Hall monitors. The other day, my 2 year old son and I went to visit my dad at his new job as a college teacher. As he was giving us a tour, we stopped by the office of the computer science professor to chat. My son saw some computer monitors on the floor in his office and asked what's that. To which the computer professor, who is a grandpa himself, replied those are monitors. Maybe I should set them outside my door, then they'd be HALL monitors. We three dad's got a good chuckle out of that","My toddler, not so much" +"*dad walks out of labyrinth of corn* Me: how was it dad","Dad: i was amazed" +"Why are melons always sold individually","So that they can't elope" +"A group of. Swallows is called a. Gulp","That is all." +"Dad joked my mom On vacation with my girlfriend and my mom set up an easy dad joke. I laughed and laughed https://m. imgur","com/gallery/iwg553o" +"Why did the female mushroom ask the male mushroom on a date","He seemed like a fun guy" +"Dracula is walking down a street in Transylvania when suddenly tons of sandwiches, mini sausage rolls, crisps, chicken wings and cocktail sausages fall on him","Buried under all this food, his dying words were, Oh no, it's Buffet the Vampire Slayer" +"Dad joked coworker. Not good at telling stories. My coworker offered me their sandwich because I forgot my food and they had already eaten. A friend dropped off a snack, but it wasn't enough to hold me over through my shift. The sandwich coworker was going home and handed me his sandwich before he left saying, you better eat this whole thing. So, I ate it during that shift. I walked in and saw him the next day. He asked, did you eat that sandwich from yesterday","I said Yeah thanks he said Good, because you didn't have a choice, i would've been pissed if you wasted it to which i responded, Yeah it turned into a duty" +"Today. I invented a new word:","Plagiarism" +"6 was afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9, but why did 7 eat 9","Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day" +"To Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I WILL find you","You have my Word" +"Here is my bucket list 1. Water bucket 2. Mop bucket 3. Cleanup bucket 4. Hardpan bucket 5. Skeleton bucket 6. Digging bucket 7. Rock bucket 8","V bucket" +"I never normally tell dad jokes. But when","I do he laughs" +"The Write Stuff. Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that's well-written and a sentence that's, well, written","" +"I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson… He said, “But dad, your name is Brian","” I said, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson" +"Rick Astley has a collection of every Pixar movie ever And he’ll let you borrow any of them. Except one","He’s never gonna give you Up" +"Wife yelled at me for always leaving shoes in the foyer when I get home. But honey, that's why they call it a foyer","Because it's foyer shoes" +"Why was the football stadium so cold","Because of all the fans" +"What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it","Short" +"I never intended to become addicted to paddling my kayak into whirlpools","It’s just something I got sucked into" +"I do not recommend allowing your daughter to buy a young rabbit","It's a hair raising experience" +"They laughed when. I said. I was going to be a comedian","They don't laugh now" +"What's Yoda's surname","LeyEeWhoo" +"My dad said he got me icecream. He handed me [this bowl of ice-cream](http://imgur. com/2LtSazT) and it ended up being hardened [ Great Stuff insulation foam](http://www. globalpackagegallery. com/main. php. g2_view=core. DownloadItem&g2_itemId=17961&g2_serialNumber=3) covered in chocolate","Typical Dad prank" +"Got my daughter earlier My oldest daughter, who's 7, said why do kids look up to their older brothers and sisters. I said because they're taller","She wasn't as amused as I was" +"To celebrate Star Wars we baked some Wookie Cookies","They were a little on the Chewy side" +"My wife and I met at the store when we were both buying a copy of the Disney movie “up” It was the perfect meet cute and we kept both copies even after getting married. It was sweet. Not all things are meant to last and when things got a bit rocky we decided to get divorced. I let her keep the apartment and moved my stuff out. Unfortunately, we live in one of those states that mail out ballots. She sent me a text a week after I had left to let me know my ballot had come to the apartment. We had ended things amicably, but neither of us wanted to see each other so soon. Committed to my civic duty, I dropped by after work the next day. When she opened the door she was in tears. She had me come in and I immediately saw it, I had forgotten to take my copy of the movie. Somehow, this felt more final than actually signing the divorce papers. I still cared about her, so I asked if she wanted to talk at all","She shook her head and said through tears, “Just take your Up, vote and go" +"Oh Google. Check out Google's suggestion when you search [ anagram ](https://www. google. com/","gws_rd=ssl#q=anagram)" +"I watched a skit about puns","You could say it was a play on words" +"I think this subreddit deserves more appreciation","I can say, without hyperbole, that the jokes here determine the difference between a boy and a groan, man" +"I can understand why the invention of the wheel is looked upon as one of the most important achievements of mankind","It was a very pivotal moment" +"Dad: Waiter, my wife spilled her water. Waiter: No problem, sir. I’ll get you another one. Dad: Great","Make sure the next one likes football" +"Where do dogs go when their tails fall off","The re-tail store" +"What's big, gray and doesn't matter","An irr- elephant" +"Why don't they allow Buffallo on Kayaks","Because its a Ka-YAK not a Ka-UFFALLO" +"My dad seems to think this is his best joke ever. He told me he got himself an Apple watch, and proceeded to show me this: http://imgur","com/uptOlfj" +"Why is it hard to buy stuff in winter","Bank account is frozen" +"Taking a family photo outside for our Christmas card. and it's cold and I want to go inside, so I start suggesting indoor pictures. Me: Let's take a picture by the fireplace. Or the piano. Dad: How would we get the piano out here. Think, son. Me:","Dad: [laughs uproariously at self]" +"This sandwich. I ordered was pastrami instead of. Italian combo","Not sure if this is the right sub." +"I've been saying mucho around my. Latino friends more often","I think it means a lot to them" +"What did the waning full moon say to his girlfriend","At least gibbous a kiss goodbye" +"When I was walking by a prison, the shortest prisoner I've ever seen rappelled down the prison wall and told me I had tacky clothes","I told him, that's a little con-descending" +"Daddy, why is that book so thick","-Well son, it is a loooong story" +"I just bought a pirate. GPS","It tells you where you arrr." +"Saw a person coughing while they were browsing reddit today","Edit: Thanks for the cold, kind stranger" +"When you are carving a Jack O' Lantern, and you make a mistake. How do you fix it. Dad: When you are carving a Jack O' Lantern, and you make a mistake. How do you fix it. Me: *Sigh* What's the punchline. Dad: You use a pumpkin patch. Nyuck, Nyuck, Nyuck, Nyuck, Nyuck","(He actually said it like that" +"Dad joked my boss today Boss: The new soldering iron is pretty sick. Whitej10: How sick are we talking","I don't want to make any illness worse by using it today" +"My accountant wife really likes her adding machine","It figures" +"Dad told my biology teacher a marine life joke. It was otterly embarrassing","I think he's made anemone" +"What do you call a hearing impaired cat","Def Leppard" +"A Russian Nesting doll and a Barbie doll were having an argument about Ken, who they both liked. The Russian nesting doll said I've got so many more layers to me than you, honey. Barbie didn't care though. It was a cheap shot, and as she pointed out, At least I'm not hollow on the inside","And Ken was laying her every damn night anyway, so the original statement wasn't strictly true" +"I’m a big fan of self-deprecating humor","I’m horrible at it though." +"My wife asked me how I like my new beard","I said, It's growing on me" +"Anybody need an ark","I Noah guy" +"My wife, who has been losing weight recently (and I'm proud of her) asked me you know how I've been losing all this weight. I ran And I said ya and Iraq and Syria too","Stress can definitely make you lose weight She wasn't impressed" +"Dropped this one on my wife. I had just finished drilling a hole in the back side of my desk to pass the keyboard and mouse cables through. Me: Would you like me to modify your desk too. Wife: uuuuuhhh. Me: The correct answer is yes . Wife: Oh. Yes I desperately need my desk fixed. Me: DESK-perately. Wife: Deskperately","Me: Ok, I'll do anything for a damsel in deskstress" +"I raced to the bakery to try and get the last cake but someone else beat me there","So instead I got consolation pies" +"How do you tuna fish","You raise or lower the scales" +"What’s an egg’s LEAST favorite drug","Crack" +"I had an argument with my friend about his small boat","We fell out" +"I don't even. My son tells me his lock's password: 2, 4, 6, 8 . Me: Huh","That's odd" +"My wife warned me not to add too much flour, but I don't mind a little more","Bready or not, here I dough" +"The circle is the most ridiculous shape out there","There's absolutely no point to it" +"I tried to eat a yoyo once","But it wouldn't stay down" +"I went on a date with a long jumper","Then I went on one with a cardigan" +"How do trees get online","They just log in" +"I really want to reinvent the wheel","But it seems like no matter how hard I try, I just keep going around in circles" +"My doctor tried to make a fibula joke","I thought it was humerus" +"I've got a friend who reminds me of a software update","Whenever I see him, I usually think not now" +"Dad's still sharp even at 2:30 in the morning. So, I was feeling sick this morning and thought about going downstairs to get myself a drink. I hear my dad going downstairs and figure that this is the perfect time to go down so I can have a chat with him while I pour my drink, and I can ask why he's up so late. I go downstairs and see my dad standing there, pouring himself a bowl of Corn Flakes. He notices me standing in the doorway, turns to me, looks me dead in the eye and says, You probably thought you heard a burglar, but it turns out it was a *cereal killer*","He then goes back to pouring his cereal with a big, stupid grin on his face" +"What sound does a drinking mathematician make","LOGLOGLOGLOGLOG" +"What do you call it when Batman skips church","Christian Bale" +"Got my friend good yesterday She was talking about having guacamole for the super bowl and we were talking about going to trader joe's. Me: Trader Joe's has some pretty good guac that we could pick up. Her: No way, I make my own. I'm in search of perfection","Me: So you not only talk the talk, you also guac the guac" +"Aww, dad. My dad recently took a road trip down to Disneyland with my stepmom, stepsister, and half-sister. On the way down, they stopped by the Hoover Dam. He sent me a picture of the Hoover Dam with a caption that said, Hover Dam. I sent him a text back saying, Hover Dam. Hover. Dam. So he texted back, Hoover","Dam it" +"Shot my first turkey today","Scared everyone in the frozen meat department" +"Au","This title is gold." +"I went to the therapist after my phone died","I just needed an outlet" +"Brought a tear to my eye I'm currently teaching at a summer program for kids going into 1st grade through 6th grade. I've been using the opportunity to relentlessly torment the kids with dadjokes and puns, naturally. This morning, one of my 6 year olds was having breakfast. She looked down at the oatmeal and said Oooh, this is hot, and I'm cold. She then instantly looked up at me and insisted Don't call me cold, don't call me cold, don't call me cold","I'm so proud" +"My coworker just told me, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you are wearing","” I said, “They are called pants, not ass shirts" +"Son: dad, i think i dislocated my shoulder. Dad: don't worry","I'll help you look for it" +"What do you call a sandwich shop for bodybuilders","Subwhey" +"I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son Chris P","Bacon" +"My Dad on car detailing Yeah it's so shiny because I put a couple of coats of carnuba wax on it last Sunday So if you put it on trucks, would it be trucknuba wax then","I had no other choice but to rest my head in my hands" +"Where do marsupials keep their cash","In their koallets" +"Husband asks his wife “Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm","” Wife says “Because I don’t like calling you when you’re at work”" +"I recently told someone about my kids. I told someone about my 3 kids. She seemed so happy. I told her two of them were adopted and she said that was just wonder","It's a shame nobody will adopt the third one though" +"Dad's take on computers","Every once in a while, my dad will lift his laptop, make a grunting sound and say, This computer has become too heavy, can you delete some files" +"If a cow died and went to hell, who would greet it","Moocifer" +"My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week","I said I'd check my colander" +"Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil","Because it’s pointless ✏️" +"Little known fact: Cannibals are actually really antisocial","They're always fed up with people" +"A friend has deer using her property as a breeding ground. Some people would be mad, but cut them some slack. After all","they're just trying to make a buck" +"I gave up trying to teach my dog how to get an M","Apparently only cats can" +"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer","I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day" +"I'm going to name my dog, marbles","So that when I lose it, I can say I've lost my marbles" +"I told my boss that three companies were after me, and I needed a raise to stay at my current job. Which companies are after you. my boss asked","Gas, electric and cable I responded" +"I was hoping to buy a new car but I was after decent onboard storage so after the salesman specified lots of features about it, I asked Cargo space","He replied Car no do that, car no fly" +"Sixth Grade Registration. Family went to register our sixth grader. Son looks at his schedule and says, wow I get periods this year. I said, ah just like your mother","They all looked at me and said, daaaad" +"What did the radio say after falling down","“My whole body hertz" +"I used to hate facial hair","Until it grew on me" +"I have these Winnie-The-Pooh socks","but they're getting a little thread-bear" +"What do you call a cat with a PhD in Marine Biology. A Doctopuss","Thanks" +"Wanna know what sucks","Vacuums" +"A bitter joke from dad Yesterday, our family was collecting honey from our beehives. When we returned, my parents accidentally knocked over a can of honey on the carpet. Mom said: Fuck. Dad said: Home sweet home","This should probably get stickied" +"I'm thinking of becoming a barber Well you know, it's a growing industry. Thanks dad",":)" +"My dad would throw this out when we were crying. I have used it on my kids with great success. Kid is crying. Dad: Whats wrong son","Do we need to run down to Walmart and get you a new Butt, Because your old one has a crack in it" +"Where does spit go to buy a wedding ring","To the drooler" +"Why are short people the best at Dad Jokes","Because we always go for the low-hanging fruit" +"What’s in the middle of The Sea","An empty space" +"Her: I have a confession. I used to be Christian. Me: That doesn't bother me. Her: Thats great","Because I'd much rather be known as Christine now" +"Why did the cow break up with her boyfriend. They had beef","MOO 🐄 🐮" +"What do you call it when someone dies from eating too many chickpeas","Hummuscide" +"A woman goes to her doctor","He says: “Haven’t seen you in a long time” She says: “That’s because I was sick”" +"The bees in my back yard just built a new hive","I just got an invitation to the house swarming party" +"I love to tell dad jokes. He thinks","I'm pretty funny." +"Packing our Dodge Caravan with luggage for our vacation is truly an art","I always step back and admire my Mini Van Goh" +"A soldier was hit by mustard gas in war and later pepper spray by the police","He's now a seasoned veteran" +"What does a werewolf YouTuber with a lisp say as each of their videos is wrapping up","Lycanthropescribe" +"I m having trouble getting into that new reality show about the chiropractors","wayyyyy too much backstory" +"Jokes about atheism","are God awful" +"My doctor told me that, due to an obscure medical condition, I would never be able to feel shocked or frightened ever again","I wasn't surprised" +"What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep","Matt" +"You can convince my son of anything","He was born yesterday!" +"I collect rocks, and recently. I found a rock that was 1760 yards long","What a milestone!" +"Did you hear Trump is banning Kraft Parmesan Cheese in the green can","#######MakeAmericaGrateAgain" +"Swedish people like to add syrup to their espresso","It Swedens the coffee" +"What is the difference between a tuna, a piano, and a stick of glue. >Me: I don't know. >Dad: You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna. >Me: What about the glue",">Dad: I knew that you'd get stuck on that part" +"I should've known my brother's new girlfriend is deaf","The signs were there" +"My neighbour is a key worker","He picks locks" +"HER:. My friend has a new granddaughter. ME:","Why, was there something wrong with the old one?" +"What noise does a 747 make when it bounces","Boeing, Boeing, Boeing" +"How much do Dutch clogs cost","Wooden shoe like to know" +"This guy on TIL is one of us. http://i. imgur. com/TFWkDbj","png" +"Have you read the book written by the atom","I heard it was a best celler" +"RIP boiled water","You will be mist" +"Why did the chicken cross the playground","To get to the other slide" +"Two wrongs don’t make a right","But three lefts do." +"I remember the first time. I saw a boob","It's a cherished mammary" +"A man walks into a German diner. He asks the German waitress how she would rate this diner","She said, A nein out of ten" +"Facebook friend was doing some car maintenance. [This popped up on my feed today. ](http://i. imgur. com/zrh2HVu","png)" +"People think that Irma's storm surge of 10-15 feet is unfathomable. They're wrong","It's between 1 and 2/3 fathom and 2 and 1/2 fathoms" +"Scientists just discovered a new, hyper-sexual dinosaur species","They're calling it Lickalottapus" +"What do call some one who watches chickens","Chicken tenders" +"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh","Ten tickles (Credit to a friend of mine, another dad)" +"Before I met my wife, I had a Toyota","It was a Pre-Us" +"They said the quality of my puns was beginning to plateau. I'm really proud though","Plateaus are the highest form of flattery" +"Why did the bank manager leave his wife","He lost interest in her" +"Did that one to my kid this morning Every morning, my son waves me goodbye by the window. This morning, this happened. Son: *wait dad. I want to say goodbye at the window","* Me: *no need, it isn't going anywhere" +"You need to be fit if you want to be an astronaut, son","You can never be under the weather at work" +"What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves","Russell" +"Why can't T-Rexes clap","Because they are extinct" +"I told my toddler that I'd never seen him before. He said, What. Of course you have. No, I haven't, I replied","I've only seen you be one and two" +"My teacher told me to be careful with the text book, it's so big and heavy it could be used as a weapon","Weapon of mass instruction, I replied" +"Why are vampires vegetarians","They are afraid of stakes" +"What kind of pants does Mario wear","Denim denim denim" +"I love jokes about cheese","They're usually pretty gouda" +"As I taped a barracuda to a boomerang, I remember thinking that","this could really come back to bite me" +"What do you call a smart pig","A Cunningham" +"Did you hear about the guy that fell into the upholstering machine","He's completely recovered now" +"My wife's cooking is so bad","The flies in the neighbourhood pitched in to fix our screen door" +"The tooth fairy teaches children that","they can sell body parts for money" +"The panda tricked the zoo keeper into feeding it more food","Guess you could say the zoo keeper got bamboozled" +"I will not say it's the best ceiling","But it sure is up there" +"I yuk'd it up after this one In the grocery store Friend: What's a yucca root for","Me: Laughs Everyone groans" +"Told my dad I had a cold I was on the phone with my dad and told him I had come down with a cold","He responded, Well if your nose is running and your feet smell you need to go to the doctor because you were built upside down" +"Did you know protons have mass","No, I didn't even know they were Catholic" +"There was a fight at a seafood restaurant","Battered fish everywhere" +"Why did the Native American leave the arctic","He wasn't inuit" +"Did you know that pretzels are not bread","*Knot bread" +"*Anytime someone says the word “intense”","Just like camping." +"Does anyone know any jokes about sodium","Na" +"Did you hear about the second largest city in Finland. It's not very nice. It's actually pretty crappy","Espoo" +"Did you hear about the guy that got the whole left side of his body cut off","He's alright now" +"My wife asked me if I thought she could be pregnant","I told her it was conceivable" +"My Dad told me this when I got us pizza today. Tell him to slice it in four","I can't eat eight" +"What do you call a med student that graduated at the bottom on their class","Doctor" +"I feel like a bicycle","I'm two tired" +"What's Harry Potter's favorite way to go down a hill. By walking. J","Rolling" +"What has been the worlds most ground breaking technology","The shovel" +"What does a stopwatch do when its bored","It makes a Tik Tok" +"Daughter gave me a taste of my own jokes tonight. We are driving home from softball practice i was telling her about christian betancourt, the padres catcher who is going to be used as a pitcher. He will be the first guy in many many years to pitch and catch on the same team. She looks at me straight faced and asks","wait so you're saying hes going to pitch and catch at the same time" +"Someone tried to sell me 8 legs of venison for £200","I told him it was too dear.." +"I would have graduated ninja school. But nobody ever knew","I was in the class" +"Told my wife. I was quitting my job today to become an electrician","She was shocked." +"My new girlfriend works at the zoo","I think she's a keeper" +"My wife Debbie announced our divorce in front of a crowd of 100 people","It was Deb-a-stating" +"Dad. Jokes about. Communism aren't funny","Unless everyone gets them" +"What do you call a fascist porpoise","Adolfin" +"Why didn't the cheese get sliced","'Cause it had greater plans" +"Dadjoked a girl on Tinder We'd been talking for a few days, already had a plan to meet up at by this point. **Me:** Hey. How's your day going. **Her:** Good, thanks. Just went to Petsmart and bought medicine for my betta fish, walking home now. His fins are falling off, the poor guy. **Me:** Aw, I hope he gets betta","**Her:** Oh god" +"Waitress: Do you want a box for the rest of your food. Dad: No","But I'll wrestle you for it" +"Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building","Of course, the Empire State Building can’t jump" +"How does Moses make his tea","Hebrews it Nah seriously that Israeli how he does it" +"What do you call a bounty hunter with no underwear","The Commandolorian" +"I would make a joke about slaughter houses. But. I'm afraid","I'll butcher it." +"I'm doing God's work here","I just kicked two naked people out of my garden" +"What did the Buddhist monk say to the hotdog vendor","Make me one with everything" +"During covid, my orthodontist told my I should tend to my teeth by myself. “How. ” I asked","He said “Brace yourself" +"Why is Apple’s headquarters so hot","They refuse to install windows" +"Did you hear about the Circus Fire","It was intense" +"Two flies were sitting on a clock","One got ticked off" +"3 camels walking in a row. 3 camels walking in a row through the desert. First one in the line has 2 humps, his name is 'Two-hump Next has 1 hump. name is 'One-hump' Last has no humps. what's his name","Humphrey" +"If you were a child when Red Red Wine came out","UB40 'ish now" +"What did the lazy anesthesiologist say before surgery","Knock yourself out" +"You may not believe that blackface happened in Canadian Politics","It's Trudeau" +"You know which one of my kids can carry the most gasoline","Jerry Can" +"My lawyer friend is into social causes, but hates U2","He does both pro bono and anti Bono work" +"A beaver watches as a turbulent river destroys his home","Dam, he thinks" +"Yay ice cream When I was a kid every time I said I'm Thirsty my dad would reply Hi. I'm Friday. Let's meet Saturday and have a sundae. Mom would always roll her eyes while he giggled uncontrollably","I miss him" +"Which body of water can be found in the alphabet","The C" +"What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs","One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean" +"My wife told me to grow up. I was speechless","It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth" +"What did the underpaid data scientist say","I need arrays" +"I like Babylonian sandwiches Ham on rye B","Hope y'all enjoy" +"Guy dadjokes girlfriend over delicious brunch. My girlfriend and I went to a brunch restaurant known for their biscuits and gravy. Since we both want to try them we order the exact same thing. Upon receipt of the food she remarks that it looks like mine has significantly more gravy","I say, If you think you are going to take some for yourself then you are gravy mistaken" +"What time do you go to the dentist","Tooth hurty" +"A. True. Classic","Dad(vaccuming): This thing sucks!" +"Got my girlfriend We were on the phone saying random hellos and heys and things: Me: yo ho ho Her: I know I'm a ho Me: I was going for pirate Her: . Me: at least I still get the booty Her:","Her: well played Edit: formatting" +"What did the fruits say when they saw their baby for the first time","Gee, we sure do make a great pear" +"I ordered 2000 pounds of Chinese soup","it was wan ton" +"I was visited by the ghost of Gloria Gaynor last night. At first I was afraid","I was petrified" +"How do mountains see","They peak" +"Why is it so hard to fall asleep","Because you're already laying down" +"Dad: Is your name pronounced phonetically. Me: Yes","Dad: Hi, Phonetically" +"What did the one DNA strand say to the other one","Do these genes make me look fat" +"Binary My friend and I are hanging out at Microcenter. Friend: So what have you been doing at school lately. Me: I've been learning binary in class","Bit by bit" +"At the coffee shop they sell day old pastries at a discount","My dad asked if he could get an additional discount since they are now year old pastries." +"That’s a nice ham you’ve got there","It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front and an ‘e’ at the end" +"My GPS just told me to turn around","Now I can't see where I'm driving" +"Got my GF while driving home from rock climbing We were driving by a farm (shocker, I live in a rural area) and this exchanged happened. Her: Awe that horse is starring at the group of horses in the other field. They must want a horse friend. Me: Why. They'd just horse around all day. Her:","ugh" +"Saturday. In a restaurant. Just finished dessert. Mum: So, how was your Sundae. Me: It's Saturday today. Mum: Can I kick him","Dad: Go ahead Sister: *kicks*" +"Got some of my youth group I'm currently on a weekend away with a local youth group near me since they needed more leaders. Someone explained to me that there was a leak in one of the boys bedrooms that needed fixing. I exclaimed a leak. Why are they taking vegetables to their rooms","Suffice to say groans were had all around" +"A parish priest was next in line to be made bishop. However, dues to the longevity of his superiors, it was over a decade before he was appointed","Just another case of long time, no see" +"As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden","The plot thickens" +"A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender. ’ She says, ‘No, first a Gibson","Then a Fender" +"A photon checks into a hotel. The bellhop asks, sir, do you have any luggage","The photon respons, No, I'm travelling light" +"Got the GF today. Her: You know when you get out of the bathroom and you have to go again just because you didn't poop. Me: Yeah that's some annoying shit","She groaned from the bathroom" +"A sign says: move over for stationary emergency vehicles. Dad says: what constitutes a stationary emergency","I'm out of letterhead and all my pencils are broken" +"This saying was really just a dad joke this whole time Be there or be square","Because you are not a round" +"We are holding our annual social anxiety conference this weekend","We hope to have more than 1 person show up this year" +"What do you call an alligator in a vest","An in-vest-igator" +"Dinner time Me: Hey, can we eat the chorizo in the fridge. Dad: No don't eat it in the fridge, use the table like normal people",":/" +"I told my dad that he should embrace his mistakes. He had tears in his eyes","Then he hugged my sister and me" +"Someone tried to sell me a coffin the other day","I told them thats the last thing I need" +"I dated one of the daughters of the Chobani family in college","But she broke up with me because I was too uncultured" +"I asked my dad how our new lemon-flavored water tasted like. He said it tasted wet","I don't know what i was expecting" +"What do you call a Catholic priest who became a lawyer","A father-in-law" +"She asked for a Golden Retriever [xpost] She got a [Golden Retreiver](https://i. reddituploads. com/162bb71d9841424cbdfa37b48d9cb68e. fit=max&h=1536&w=1536&s=2b71498cd295c3367fb55d306764113e) And that look. that's the look we all know and love","A truly well executed dad joke" +"Got my wife of 5 days after our wedding I handed her a hundred to deposit in the bank from a wedding present. Her: Do you have any smaller bills. I proceed to take out a ten. Her: taking off a zero doesn't count","So I take the hundred, fold it in half, and hand it back" +"Saw Michael J. Fox the other day, in a garden center of all places","Didn't recognise him straight away though he had his back to the fuchsias" +"Dad said this at the dinner table tonight. Do you know why dogs pant.","Because they can't wear shirts" +"Why do seagulls fly over the sea","Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels" +"I had to quit my last job, all. I did was test soft drinks","It was just soda grading" +"I never eat broths","I guess youou could say I'm a bit souperstitious" +"I told my girlfriend that her skin was really smooth and asked her if she had made Assassin's Creed","**Confused shrug in response** Because Ubisoft" +"I was talking to my SO and was helping her to decide what to get from a vending machine. Apparently I wasn't helpful. I was talking to my SO and was helping her to decide what to get from a vending machine. Apparently I wasn't helpful. Her: It really helped my decision making that i brought only a dollar with me to the vending machine and only animal crackers and barbecue chips were exactly a dollar. so i wouldn't have to deal with change. Me: Its healthy to embrace change. Her: What's that suppose to mean.","I DON T NEED YOUR DAD JOKES" +"The bartender asked the pirate, Is that a ship's wheel sticking out if your pants. The pirate replied Aye","It's driving me nuts" +"I was going to write a joke about people who live in the apartment upstairs","But that’s another story" +"What do you call an extremely rich person who lives in Rio de Janeiro. A brazilionaire","The dinner table was quiet for a solid 5 minutes, a personal record for my family" +"This is my dad’s favorite joke, and it’s completely awful Three college students (Jim, Tom, and Steve) decided to stay overnight in an abandoned house that was supposedly haunted, all to prove that there was nothing supernatural there. They decided to sleep in separate rooms to increase chances of scary things happening. Each room was connected to one long hallway which lead to some stairs. After a while, the three called it a night and went to their separate rooms. At midnight, Jim woke up to the sound of a scream coming from one of the rooms. He ran out into the hall where he met Steve, who also had just woken up. They walked into Tom’s room, and he was nowhere to be found. “Surely this must be a prank” thought Jim, and he and Steve decided to go back to bed. He slept for almost an hour when Jim woke up to another scream coming from a different room. He ran into the hall, and this time Steve did not join him. He walked into Steve’s room, and noticed that Steve had completely vanished. Still in the mindset that this was a prank by his two friends two, Jim went back to bed. An hour later, Jim woke up to the sound of thumping in the hallway. He went out of his room and saw a giant coffin with chainsaws attached to where arms would be. The coffin was also blocking the exit, meaning that the only way to go was the stairs. Jim immediately ran up them as fast as he could. He stopped to catch his breath, then heard the thumping of something coming up the stairs, so he started running again. He ran into another set of stairs going up, so he ran up them as fast as he could. He stopped to catch his breath, when once again, he heard the thumping of something coming up the stairs, so he started to run. Eventually, he reached a dead end in a bathroom. He turned around to see the coffin at the doorway. Frantically, Jim scavenged the cabinets for anything he could use to fight it. All he could find was some cough drops. Using all the strength he had, he threw the cough drops at the coffin. Upon impact, the coffin suddenly started to dissolve. Before long nothing remained of it. Jim was astonished","The cough drops had stopped his coffin" +"My wife tells me I can be an idiot sometimes","I think it is nice of her to give me permission like that" +"Directional Dad-joke. While teaching class piano in school today: Student: Mr. miniflea, can you play One Direction on the keyboard","Me: Sure, which direction do you want me to play it" +"If an orange has been GMO modified","does that make it pulp fiction" +"Mom was pregnant and dad asked the time. She asked if she looked like a clock. Well, you're big and round and you've got two hands","said my dad" +"I went to a zoo once, it was awful. They only had one animal","It was a shihtzu" +"Hey, is your shirt gay too. No","Well, mine came out of the closet this morning" +"At the dentist. He says: Do you have any questions. Me: No","I know the drill" +"What do you call a waffle at the beach","Sandy Eggo" +"A couple were arguing over which of them gets to finish preparing their son's chocolate cake","It was a custardy battle" +"Son: Dad, I broke my arm in two places","Dad: You should stay away from those places" +"What profession has the best muscle memory","Marine Biologists" +"My coworker's goat is pregnant She has been checking on her constantly. Finally today she yells She's kidding","and I mutter, you never get that excited about my jokes" +"Made a french dadjoke with my girlfriend. French here, so the joke is in french, maybe some will still like it. Ma copine me dit un soir: oh merde, ça m'endors","J'ai directement répondu: sinon tu peux faire un truc qui te Liechtenstein, ou qui te Monaco" +"Dadjoked my coworker today. Her:. My nose is so runny. Me:. That's because it wants to get away from you. She told me it was the worst thing she'd ever heard in her life but","I honestly couldn't stop laughing at my own joke." +"My wife just joined an activist group called. DAM. Mothers. Against","Dyslexia" +"Picked up my daughter from school. As they all streamed past me in uniform this hilarious joke occurred to me Me: Weren't you embarrassed when you got to school today. Her: Why","Me: There's someone over there wearing the same thing" +"I was talking to my mate and I said to him “Why can I see right through you","” He said “my child, they’ve recently gone transgender” “So I’m transparent" +"I asked my son if he wanted to hear a joke. He said: ok . I said: pussy . He said: I don't get it","I said: I know" +"Riding in the car I'm in the car with my dad and roll down the window saying It's muggy in here. He responds with, Just like Central Park","It's also robby and stabby" +"How can Geppetto tell when Pinocchio is lying","He just nose" +"My Dads a Bad Ass. he pushes the envelope all day","I've even seen him parallel park the mail truck" +"My dad just hit me with this one What did zero say to 8","Nice belt" +"Someone got me with a bar joke today","I walked right into it." +"My buddies at work have been making fun of me for not jogging. To this day one thing has not changed about that","It’s still a running joke" +"A 8 foot tall clairvoyant has escaped from prison, wearing only his underwear","Police are looking for a large medium in smalls." +"Got out-dadded by my fiancé Me: Honey, have you seen that Comcast refund check. Her: I ate it Me: Stahp, where is it. Her: Seriously, I ate it","-- I guess you can say I have expensive taste EYEROLLS" +"From my bus driver: What did one casket say to the other at the funeral. Is that you coffin. The first one was for when I got on board. Here's the one from when I was getting off the bus: What did one strawberry say to the other. If you weren't so sweet we wouldn't be in this jam","He's a fantastic bus driver" +"I just watched the uncut version of. Scarface. It was called","Face" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school","It’s okay, he woke up" +"My husband does a thing (x-post r/TrollYChromosome ) It was suggested r/dadjokes would love this: http://imgur","com/a/tgSaM Yes, My husband is an actual dad and this is only a fraction of his work ; he's been doing it since we started dating in 2001" +"A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Mexico, they name him Juan . Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, But they are twins","If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal" +"Why was the power drill a terrible comedian","He was always forgetting his bits" +"I’m exhausted. When I get home from work I’m just gonna lie down and stare at the ceiling","This evening’s definitely looking up" +"When I die, I want to be cremated and put into an hourglass","So I can continue to spend time with my family" +"What do you call a camel with no hump. Humphrey. What do you call a camel with three humps","Pregnant" +"An Asian man got a race change","Now he's disoriented" +"My dad found a newt in our pond once. He took it out and told us that he was gonna name it","Tiny because it was my newt" +"What do they call the hunger games in. Europe. Battle","Royale with cheese" +"Dad just got double cataract surgery","Dad walks out of surgery and utters to my Mom Uggghhhhhhhh so thats what you look like" +"One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, Why are you eating grass. We don't have no money for food, the first man replied. Then you must come with me to my house, insisted the lawyer. But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here, said the man. Bring them along. replied the lawyer. The second man exclaimed, I got a wife and six kids. Bring them as well. , the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo. They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you. The lawyer replied, I'm most happy to do it. You'll love my place","The grass is almost a foot tall" +"You can pick your friends. You can pick your nose","But, you can’t pick your friends nose" +"Why should you never marry a tennis player","Because love means nothing to them" +"I sympathize with batteries","I’m never included in anything either." +"I was telling my friend about this dairy-free protein powder I found","And he said no whey" +"What do people drive in the Fall","Autumnmobiles" +"Got my wife on the road last weekend Taking a long road trip with our almost 2-year-old in the backseat. Shoe comes flying up into my wife's lap. This is a common occurrence. Wife: Why does he always take off his right shoe. Me: Because he knows better than to take off the wrong one. She threw the shoe at my head. He laughed","It was worth it" +"My father and space travel. I have been watching our 'tax payer funded' spaceman Major Tim Peake's intergalactic adventures with very limited interest and have done some some pretty basic arithmetic. The ISS is 250 miles above the Earth,and Tim and his spaceman mates took off at 11am -ish, and it took 7 hrs to get there","Fuck me that is just a little over 35 mph, my first car an mk1 escort would have got there quicker" +"What do you call a tree that can't figure out a riddle","Stumped" +"I was doing shots of food colouring last night","I ended up dying inside" +"I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage","The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity" +"My wife told me a “momjoke” today. She said “I want a divorce,” but then left before the punchline","Anyone know how that ends" +"Dad jokes inside Every drive-thru my fam and I go to, when they say Ketchup. I reply, Why am I behind. When we go to the store and I'm asked if I would like to have a bag, I point at my wife and reply, No thanks I've already got one. (Usually get hit right after that. ) My wife like Starbucks (why yes she is a white girl how'd you know. ) when the person behind the counter says, Can I have your name. I traditionally reply something to the effect of, Hell no, last time I gave someone my name I ended up with a wife and kids. I live in the land of dad jokes","It's ok though, they know me here" +"Hostess: Do you have a preference of where you sit","Dad: Down" +"My dad is a superhero","He's the invisable man..." +"What kind of a car does an egg drive","A Yolkswagen" +"I hope Elon Musk never gets into a scandal **I hope Elon Musk never gets into a scandal…","** Elon-gate would be really drawn out" +"My five year old is cultivating a proper intolerance for Dad Jokes Him: [Playing with various toys] Help me. Two sea monsters. Me: Help you to see monsters. They're right there","Him: [With the eyerollest eyerolls that ever eyerolled] No, Dad, this is not for puns" +"What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a firecracker","Dino-mite" +"There was once a dude who drove on lava","He wanted 'hot wheels'" +"Yesterday. I spotted an albino dalmatian. It was the least","I could do for him" +"I was going to take an art class in college But it was too sketchy for me","Something drew me away from it" +"I taught a wolf how to meditate. Now he’s. Aware","Wolf!" +"I broke my finger yesterday","on the other hand, I'm okay" +"Woodchuck Genders Driving along, my six-year-old was reading from a Weird But True NatGeo book. We were all told that male woodchucks are called he-chucks, and females are she-chucks","I told her that the really religious ones must be nun-chucks" +"I got fired from the frozen orange juice factory today","I just couldn’t concentrate" +"A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic paintings of the Ford F-150","He’s a pickup artist" +"My 4 year old daughter became a dad. Her lovie is a little pink bear. Earlier today her bear got icing on it at the pool, and I wasn't there when it happened so she was telling me about it. Daughter: Bear has icing on his foot. Get it, bear foot","Hahahahahaha *wipes tear from eye* I'm so proud" +"Why can't a bicycle stand on its own","Because its two tired" +"Why is there a L in Noel if it is Noel","*sorry if it's been posted before" +"Mamma knew some pigs in her day","but Papua New Guinea" +"I recently became a buddhist. but I still celebrate Christmas. So when December comes around I sit under the Christmas tree, wrap myself in wrapping paper and live in the present","🎁🌲" +"Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer","He couldn’t see himself doing it" +"Its a 5 minute walk from my home to the pub It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my home","The difference is staggering" +"What did the apathetic rabbit say to the hare","I don’t carrot all." +"He Pulled This One Today My sister and I were looking at my cousin's headset and it was wrapped in some sort of felt. Sister: What is this, it feels weird. Me: I think it might be felt","Dad: It is now" +"Finance Department Me on the phone talking to insurance company: finance department helped us Son [6] after phone call: daddy what's the finance department. Me: they helped us with money to buy the car Ridley oh I thought they go find ants","I've been out done by a six year old" +"Husband :“Don’t do it. I swear you are going regret it for the rest of your life. Your’e dumb if you say it…. Don’t say yes. No. Aw dang, he actually did it. What an idiot. Wife: Honey, why are you so mad. What is it you are watching","Husband: Our wedding ceremony" +"People often accuse me of stealing other's jokes and being a plagiarist","Their words not mine" +"People in. Athens hate getting up early. Because dawn is tough on","Greece" +"What do you call a hippie's wife","Mississippi" +"Why would a Proctologist use 2 fingers during an exam","To get a second opinion" +"An old classic from my Psychology Lecturer We're studying classical conditioning and as such looking into the work of Ivan Pavlov (Pavlov's Dogs). So classical conditioning is backed up by evidence from Ivan Pavlov, does that ring any bells. Guess who laughed","Alone" +"To be. Frank","I'd have to change my name." +"My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy","What planet is she on" +"I was going to make a joke about. Liam","Neeson but all the good ones were taken" +"You did what to a toy monkey. So my daughter owns a toy monkey called Mimi. It's her fave monkey of all time it goes everywhere. Anyway Mimi was covered in flour from a days worth of mucking around with homemade play-dough. As I'm putting her to bed I'm attempting to knock all the flour off Mimi before giving the monkey to her. She got grumpy that I had Mimi and I said to her without thinking Just wait a second Daddy needs to finish de-flouring Mimi","I'm just glad she doesn't understand that particular double-entendre" +"What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying in a pile of leaves","Russle" +"My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad","I had to take his bike away" +"Keira Knightley and Tom Daley got divorced","Their schedules were too different" +"If you were 8 years old when Red,. Red. Wine was released","UB40 now." +"My girlfriends father, the king of the dad joke/pun, walks past a can of tick repellent. Glances at his watch, taps it, keeps walking and says Still ticking. What a scam On a daily/hourly basis he reels them off. It's amazing. He also photoshops pictures (using Microsoft Paint, because he likes the challenge) of himself into various ridiculous and punny situations that might be the most comically genius things I've ever seen","If you're interested I'll find some for you guys" +"One my dad said just a minute ago. Me: Hey dad, have you ever driven anywhere in your underwear","Dad: I drive everywhere in my underwear" +"What do you call a belt buckle with a watch on it","A waist of time" +"What's the difference between a tuna, a piano, and an owl","You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna" +"My cousin had a 400-lb dog","It was a record setter" +"What's worse than an army recruit","An armless one" +"Without a doubt my favorite Robin Williams movie is. Mrs","Fire" +"What's coffee's favorite thing to do at the gym","The French press" +"Just watched a documentary on how they made old iron bridges","It was riveting" +"What do you call a blind Nazi","A Not-see" +"I work at home. Depot and a customer asks me if we have any buffing compounds","I tell him no, we do not carry any gyms" +"Sometimes i like to crouch down, put my head between my knees and lean forward","Cos THATS how i roll" +"Last night I videotaped my hairdo","Today I'm gunna watch the highlights" +"Got fired from the sperm bank yesterday","Apparently you’re not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say “get a load of this guy” every time someone walks in." +"Q: Why is it impossible to starve in the desert. A: Because of the sand which is there. EDIT: for the confused: because of the sandwiches there. Also, I just remembered where I came across this, many years ago: in one of the Inspector Flynn novels by Gregory McDonald. I can highly recommend his books","Very entertaining" +"Why did the bodybuilder pour wine on his stomach rather than drink it","He was trying to abstain from alcohol" +"Mario and Luigi should work on Google Chrome","They have solved many issues with browsers in the past" +"How do you make your own antifreeze","You take away her nightie" +"What type of blood do you give a pessimistic person","B positive" +"Car accident A co-worker (let's call her Ms. White) just came up to me and told me that she had been in a fender bender in the parking lot this morning. She said she was looking for a spot, thought she saw one and stopped short to try and park in it. When she did so, the car following closely behind her rear ended her. Ms. White said initially she was furious and wanted to get out of the car until she saw the person behind her jump out first. She said she was immediately conflicted because the person getting out of the car was, a little person . So she just say in the car unsure of what to do next. The other driver knocked on her window and when she rolled it down there guy said, I am not happy. Ms","White responded with, well then, which one are you" +"When people ask what my future job is. I reply with “sleeping” and they say “why sleeping","” and i reply with “because i’m living the dream”" +"Why are Apple stores hypocritical","Because to construct them, you need to install windows" +"The amount of cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrots divided by the volume of the Mayo","That’s Cole’s Law" +"Which kind of fish is made of only two sodium atoms","2Na" +"a star walks into a black hole and doesn't seemed phazed. the black hole turns to the star and says","i don't think you understand the gravity of the situation" +"My statistics professor told us that the larger the sample size, the more reliable are your averages","The N’s justify the means" +"The mother of my children just finished knitting a scarf She wrapped it around her neck, and got her mouth and nose covered as well: Me: Hey, you look like a wooligan. She: . (glaring. ) and you look awfully proud of yourself","Indeed I was" +"Queen Elizabeth just celebrated 66 years on the throne","God, what on earth did she eat" +"Sometimes. I tell dad jokes","Sometimes he laughs" +"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh","Ten tickles" +"What do you do to prove that you have cut off an enemy's foot it battle","Take a foe-toe" +"The Greek authorities tried to get the lepers at Spinalonga leper colony to swap their healthy babies for babies with leprosy but a leper never changes its tots. (My dad made this up when we visited Spinalonga in about 1998. its one of his all time classics","I only remember the punchline so I made up the first bit and its not historically true" +"My girlfriend's ex was a clown","I have some big shoes to fill" +"Friend got me after seeing Age of Ultrom Friend: The only thing I still don't get is, how old is Ultron. Me: Groans and turns away","Looks back to see large smile upon friends face" +"What's a bowlers favorite kind of vegetable","A spare I guess" +"Did you hear about the author who was revealed to be a fraud after he died","His life had its prose and cons" +"Why was the guitar teacher fired","Because they fingered a minor" +"Why is Luigi an alcoholic","Because his mansion is full of boos" +"How does a Rabbi make coffee","Hebrews it" +"My boyfriend whipped this one out on me today. I've been hardcore PMSing lately, so I made brownies. I messed up the recipe somehow so, *rationally*, I started crying because I really wanted homemade brownies. He walks in, hugs me, and says *babe, it's okay","You're ovary-acting*" +"My wife ignores me for 6-8 hours a day","But then she wakes up" +"As they say in Prague","Czech yourself before you wreck yourself" +"Do you know why there are fences around cemeteries","People are dying to get in (my pawpaw’s favorite joke, even told it to me on one of his last days)" +"I was practicing archery with my dad when. He hit a really impressive shot. I looked over and said, Wow, that one would've been deadly. He looked at me with a serious expression and said, Was it enough to make you","*quiver*" +"Did you hear about the album titled ‘Bomb","” It blew up" +"What's a Muslim's dream job","Being a Meccanic" +"I've been on three dates with a woman who works in a zoo","I think she's a keeper" +"Why did the alligators get a divorce","Ereptile Dysfunction" +"How does music say goodbye","Audios" +"How do you recognize a barbarian","I can't tell, it's all Greek to me" +"What do you call a French girl with asthma","Louise" +"A hippopotamus will never believe you if you tell it it‘s fat","It’s because they’re in the Nile" +"Two kids were on the playground, about to get in a fight. One drew a line in the sand and told the other, “If you cross this line, I’ll punch you in the face","” That was the punch line" +"Hey Dad. Father's Day Fishing this Sunday. *I would love it. Hopefully catch some Father's Days, they are good eating I understand","* Welp, set myself up for that one" +"How do I know my wife was created in God's image","Because she can also make something out of nothing" +"OF COURSE the gold medal swimmer from Hungary was the only person NOT to bite the medal. I was so ready, too","Ruined my evening" +"Dadjoked by My 9 Year Old Daughter Scene: We are preparing for Trick or Treating tomorrow and picked out her costume. It included gloves in the costume. Her: We need to go to the store so I can get different gloves for the costume. Me: Didn't it come with gloves. Her: Yes, but they didn't fit. Like a glove. Me: Oh. Good. Lord. Post Script. She knew she dad joked because after she asked, Get it","Fit like a glove" +"I ordered a thesaurus online, but when it arrived and I opened it, the whole book was empty, all pages blank","There are no words to describe how mad I am" +"Clearing all the weights/workout things from the Nursery to prepare for the baby's arrival Husband hands me the only thing that's mine (a small 8lb dumbbell) and says it's really time you carried your own weight around here","I think he's ready for the baby to get here" +"Dad hit me with another cheesy joke just now. I'm making enchiladas for my work tomorrow but I forgot to buy baby jack cheese for my cheese enchiladas. I've been calling stores to ask them ahead if they have any, but no store in my neighborhood has it. I told my dad about my frustrations as I was calling Food 4 Less, and my dad said, Hey if they don't have it, tell them - tell 'em, 'Well you guys don't have JACK","' I then put my hands on my face began groaning as he closed out with, I perform every Monday through Thursday" +"Dogs can't operate. MRI machines","But catscan" +"You know kids, back in the day, my rubber band pistol was confiscated in algebra class","My teacher said that it was a weapon of math disruption" +"Excuse me sir, will the pizza be long. No sir it'll be round","*joke courtesy of a local restaurant" +"Dad made a joke in San Francisco. We had finished walking the Golden Gate Bridge and were in our car. I took off my shoes and noticed that my socks had holes in them. I didn't know you had religious socks, he said to me. What. I replied. You know, because they're holy","" +"Where did the pirate get his hooks","A second hand store" +"Two friends Bob and Frank are lost in the jungle when they are surrounded by a group of blood thirsty cannibals. They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten. Bob and Frank realize they have little choice but agree they will attempt any test to try to save their lives. The chief warrior brings them a bowl full of angry fire ants and drops one small seed into the bowl. He informs them they must put their lips in the bowl and suck as hard as they can. If they manage to suck up only the seed without sucking up an ant then the tribe would know they must be sent from the Gods. Bob looks wearily at Frank but knowing they have no other options he puts his lips in the bowl and sucks hard. He immediately gets a mouth full of ants and screams in pain as they bite away at the inside of his mouth. Frank now even more nervous takes his turn and to his dismay also receives a nasty mouthful of the viscous buggers. The warriors leap to their feet and surround the friends, “Now you must die” declares the chieftain. Just as the first spear is raised to Franks throat he screams “Tria-Gan. ” The warriors stop dead in their tracks. “What did you say” asked the chief. “Tria-Gan” yelled frank again. Immediately the chief and his warriors turned and fled into the forest. “Holy shit” said Bob “What did you just say and how did you know it would work","” “Well” said Frank, “my Mother always told me if at first you don’t suck seed try Tria-Gan" +"Why does it take a pirate so long to learn the alphabet","Because they spend their life at C" +"And they're off. [gun goes off] [every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race] ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway credit: [@gojarbe](https://twitter","com/gojarbe/status/639970913581170689)" +"My proudest moment The wife was holding 2 letters to hang on a wall, the son was holding 2 letters to hang on the wall. The wife asks the son to hold up all 4 letters on the wall to view the placement and the son says Mom, I don't have four arms","In which I replied But son, you DO have forearms" +"I saw a car with a “How am I driving. ” bumper sticker","So I called the phone number listed and said, “I think it’s with your steering wheel" +"Can someone tell me if it's true that fishermen put maggots in their mouths in order to warm them up","Awaiting a reply with baited breath" +"Does anyone know of any forums for fellow ax murderers","We can share LifeHacks" +"The true cost of dadjokes: man struck by lightning, daughter assumes he's kidding http://www. thedenverchannel. com/news/front-range/arvada/arvada-man-knocked-out-by-lightning-while-videotaping-monday-nights-storm-from-inside-his-garage (video autoplays) >His daughter Ileah heard the crash, ran over, and found her dad convulsing on the floor. > At first I thought he was joking, because that's the kind of person my dad is. Doctor Grant would have been proud. https://gs1. wac. edgecastcdn. net/8019B6/data. tumblr. com/a6a9170d54b98df4d8ef9f4f9c39b2ae/tumblr_inline_mlme68KRS11qz4rgp","gif" +"What do you call a happy. Russian president","Gladimer putin" +"I used to be addicted to soap, but","I'm clean now." +"I just got a job at a Samsung store. I've already caught 3 thieves","Im a real guardian of the galaxy" +"Rick. Astley will lend you any. Pixar film apart from one. He's never gonna give you","Up" +"The local beavers used to be real hard workers","But now they just don't give a dam" +"How do you cook toilet paper","It's easy, you just brown it and then you throw it in the pot" +"What do you call a boat made out of a phallic potato. A","Dictatership" +"Every October 31st, my dog begins baying loudly a loud, prolonged, mournful cry","I guess he likes to celebrate Howloween" +"What's orange and sounds like a parrot","A carrot" +"What was Beethoven's favorite fruit","BaNaNaNaaaaa" +"My five year old brother pulled a dad joke on my mum Brother: Mum. What do you do when nothing is going right. Mum: well, you need to stay positive no matter what in life. *brother interrupts* Brother: nooo. You go left","He's going to be a great dad" +"Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows trend","I hear it’s making real headlines" +"Mom approved I came home for a weekend and my mother was catching me up on some current events in the family. Her: Oh yeah, your cousin has enlisted in the Navy and he's going to training pretty soon. Me: Wow, how does the family feel about that. Her: What do you mean. Me: Well, are they. *pause*. All aboard with the idea","*both can't contain laughter* Everyone in my family is witty and we all love dad jokes so we always have a good time around the dinner table" +"I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose","No one does that to a woman, not on my watch" +"I recently adjusted the angle of the mirror in my bathroom","It has given me a new perspective" +"Dad fixed my car The A/C has been busted in my car for awhile. So its unbearable to drive in this heat. So after my dad took it to the shop he came back. Tossed me the keys and said","Now you'll be the coolest kid on the road He even included that finger gun point" +"Our family now refuses to say the word rush because Dad uses this line daily. Me: I'm not in a hurry, so don't rush. Dad: Oh I'm not rushin","I'm Italian" +"Chickens don't have a government","But they do have a pecking order" +"Where do muslim Eskimos live","in Allahska" +"I love eggs for breakfast","You just can't beat them" +"What is the meaning of the word demise","Demise is what de cats eat" +"What kind of award did the dentist receive","A little plaque" +"The sexuality of Yoda was never really clear","When asked if he was gay he answered: Damn straight I am" +"I was so proud My nephew doesn't like to wear underwear. His dad's name is Scott. Dad: Ya know the Scottish don't wear underwear beneath their kilts. I wonder if [nephew] is Scottish. Me: He is Scott","ish" +"Got my family today Eating dinner with the family, we were talking about the weather and I said: I think the weather is racist, here it is black history month and all you see outside is white powder","My wife asked me if I got it from the internet, I said no but figured it should end up there" +"Ever ask a chicken what their favorite composer is","Mine all say the same thing: Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach" +"What do you get when you drive into a duck","A quack in your windshield" +"Wife just told me that she's pregnant with our first child. The first thing I did was to make sure that I'm still subscribed to /r/dadjokes","Priorities" +"Having gay parents must be horrible. Like, you either get double the dad jokes or get stuck in a infinite loop of Go ask your mom","I can't imagine the pain" +"What do you call an egg with an internet. An eggg","Because it has 3g" +"Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach","It was over 90 degrees" +"My boss said to me, You're the worst train driver I've ever seen. How many have you derailed this week. I said, Honestly sir, I don't know","It's hard for me to keep track" +"You're so mean","You have no standard deviation." +"I prefer 2 night stands","Because they really tie the room together" +"I wanted to write a letter to my best friend named Life I accidentally dropped it. But,i caught it before it dropped to the floor. Then i realised","***I was holding on to Dear Life, *** After i gave the letter to him,he gave me lemons,i still don't know why though,but i made lemonade,it just felt right" +"So Dad, you didn't end up training tonight. That's a shame :/ Dad: No no it's ok though, I trained this morning and this afternoon. Me: what. how. when. you worked though how. Dad: ≖‿≖ Dad: I . trained. it. Dad: hehe. caught the train. hehe. geddit","Me: ಠ_ಠ" +"I was browsing the internet looking at prices for a new PC. I was asked if I intended to buy","I said no, I was just Windows™ shopping" +"[REQ] Jokes about not having a dad My dad left before I was born but these kind of jokes crack me up, I just find them so hilarious. Can people please throw some really hard jokes about people who don't have a dad and stuff at me and share them for others","Thanks" +"Chewbacca just started playing baseball","He won Wookie of the Year" +"Dadjoked my mom yesterday I decided to call my mom yesterday as I was driving across the state to a music festival. I just moved into a new apartment and she was asking me about my new roommates. Me: I find that I'm a lot cleaner living with them compared to when I lived with my old roommates. I don't leave my dishes in the sink, I just rinse them and put them in the dishwasher. It may be because we have one big sink instead of the two smaller sinks. Mom: I didn't like having the one big sink at first, but I think I like it better now. Me: (Serious tone) I'm sorry mom, I have to go now. We've talked about everything today- even the kitchen sink","My mom was always the one cracking dad jokes when I was a kid, and she thoroughly enjoyed this" +"My wife hates my cheesy jokes. I think she’s laughtose-intolerant","Sorry" +"Ever seen a street fight","It happens between cross roads" +"Return of dadjokes My dad's favorite joke in the parties: I don't know how people cannot take a bath for 7days","My body starts itching after 6" +"What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek","Don’t talk to the guy in the middle, he’s an asshole" +"Whats the difference between a fish and a guitar","You can't tune a fish." +"Just found out google makes dad jokes","Write hi im bored in google and look at the results without hitting search" +"Want to hear my joke about construction","Never mind, I’m still working on it" +"TIL: Children are born with four kidneys","When they get older, two of them become adult knees" +"How do you make a Kleenex dance","Put a little boogie in it" +"During dinner. Mom: I gave the dog some leftovers from last night. Did he eat that plate. Dad: No. He ate all of the food but left the plate","*screams* HEY, EAT THAT PLATE" +"Crematorium workers make their money the old-fashioned way","They urn it" +"What did one nut say while chasing the other","I'm a cashew" +"[NSFW] My doctor was having trouble writing my prescription I said: Doctor, you've got a rectal thermometer in your hand. He replied: Dammit. Some asshole's got my pen. Dang it, Dad","You always get me with this one" +"My friend made his first dad joke. http://imgur. com/HhEOuTW Me: Did you make that. My friend: I had a hand in it","Friends wife: *eye roll* So proud of him" +"My best dad joke to date just happened Background: my friend was telling me how she was gonna start writing a book, but she was kind of scared. Friend: I'm kind of scared to start because I've never written a book before. Me: Neither have I","I guess you could say, we're on the same page" +"I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone","Then it finally dawned on me" +"What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone","Exparagus" +"I used to be the. CEO of an origami company","Unfortunately it folded" +"Where are Italian Jews relocated","The Spaghettos" +"When are. Cooks mean","When they beat the eggs and whip cream." +"I saw a worker stacking shelves at Costco complaining, because the top shelf was broken and he couldn't keep it up","I think he had a wrecked aisle dysfunction" +"What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo. A hippo is very large and heavy, and a zippo is just a little lighter","Edit: Found out this was a repost :(" +"My IT friend asks me. What is fast but doesn't move. What. A solid state drive","Have you and your wife considered kids" +"What do you call a magical owl","Hoodini" +"Theres 3 types of people in this world","Those who can count, and those who cannot" +"(old but gold) When does a joke become a dad joke","When it becomes apparent" +"I stayed up wondering where the sun went","Until it dawned on me." +"Two Cows in a field One says to the other Cow Nice day isnt it","The other Cow says f**king hell a talking Cow" +"Ok, which one of you posted this ad. http://i. imgur. com/jKAo88N","jpg" +"A small mahogany bird 👈🏼","It would be great if that joke had a punchline… wooden tit." +"Who's bigger : Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger or their baby. Their baby","Because he's a little Bigger 😉" +"This is my first wife. My dad introduces my mother as his first wife to people","Even though it is both their first and only marriage" +"How are Chinese food restaurants still in business","They lose fortunes every day" +"What was Bambi's mother's name","Jane" +"Either no-one got it, or it belongs here. *Friend:* Wishing all my friends Gong Xi Fa Cai. May the year of the goat bring an abundance of health and wealth. *Me:* Baaaa Humbug ;-) &nbsp; Not a single giggle: [http://imgur. com/wh0W9tF](http://imgur","com/wh0W9tF)" +"Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees","Because they're really good at it" +"Dad fertilized the garden with corn starch","The plot thickens" +"What is a panda bears favorite drink","Bambooze" +"True story. Local strip club closed","Sign said Thorry, we’re clothed" +"Doctor: “Sir, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards","” Me: “And" +"What did the tree say to the lumberjack","I'm falling for you" +"What's Forrest Gump's password","1forrest1" +"I cut my finger chopping cheese. But i have","Grater problems" +"I was told to put this here [Ehhh](https://imgur","com/gallery/PfdZo)" +"Where do you go if your dog loses it's tail","Any re-tail store will do" +"I for one --a","Roman" +"Wife: “should we get the hypoallergenic fabric softener","” Me: “no the regular stuff is fine we’re only a littleallergenic”" +"Got my coworkers real good today. Coworker: Yeah, I'm eating crackers with my lunch. *I turn around ominously* Excuse me, I prefer the term saltine American. *go's back to typing* The office slowly builds to uncontrollable laughter","*mic drop*" +"My dad dropped a good one to my mom and garnered an audible groan from the rest of us in the room. Mom: Yea, they have a new daycare and really love it. It's only three doors down from their house so it's very convenient. Dad: Huh. That'd be a good band name. Mom: What. Dad: Three Doors Down","That'd be a good band name" +"What rock group has 4 men that don't sing","Mount Rushmore" +"I took dead batteries from the store","They were free of charge." +"What kind of melon can't run off and get married","A cantaloupe" +"Tequila may not fix your life","But it's worth a shot" +"Son: Dad, do you have a man-bun","Me: Knot on top of my head" +"Waiter, my coffee tastes like mud","Sir, it's fresh ground" +"My daughter became a dad. my two year old daughter was pretending to be asleep. I said uh oh. I think she's asleep. she said I'm not asleep, I'm [Susie]","[name changed]" +"Why are there never any problems at an observatory","Things are always looking up" +"Did you hear that Spider-Man made himself a winter jacket out of Greek bread","It was a PITA PARKA" +"I tried telling a joke to a couple of midgets","But it just went over their heads." +"Every time we go out to eat. Waiter: And what would you like to drink sir","My dad: I'll take a water on the rocks" +"He got me out of nowhere. It just happened, and it may not be the best, but it was just so perfect I had to share. Father comes out of the laundry room, holding a penny. He shows it to me, and says we have to hide it from the cops. I, while drinking my fine cranberry juice, stop and ask why the hell that would be necessary. Without hesitation, he says we can't keep it, because it's laundered money","Halp" +"What do you call a swat team of alligators going to a suspect's house","Gatorade" +"Why is Neon sad","Because all his friends Argon" +"Went to a great party for meteorologists yesterday","Lovely atmosphere" +"Why did the guy buy 5 rackets","Because Tennis too many" +"Rick. Astley will let you borrow any movie from his. Pixar collection except one. He's never gonna give you","Up." +"At a job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure","I said I could, but I'd be more comfortable playing Bohemian Rhapsody" +"Pulled this out at a party last night I was with my fiancée and some of her college friends, we all got to stories about how we found our pets. Friend: Well, when we wanted a kitten, the shelter made us bring our beagle in to see if it acted well with cats. To do that, they just walked our dog around in a room full of like, fifteen cats. She did fine. Me: So, you're saying she had to get a Cat Scan","Everyone: Laughter and groaning" +"In America, dogs are K9","In China, dogs are E10" +"Dad joked my dad yesterday He was assembling a new exercise bike my mum bought, and he looked like he was struggling so I asked how he was doing. He said, it's getting there. I think you're doing it wrong then, it shouldn't be going anywhere, I replied","He called my joke very good" +"The youth center in my town is teaching the art of dad joking well. http://imgur","com/uICSJvZ" +"What happens if you go into labor in the ocean","You have to have a sea-section" +"Yes, Pizza Hut. I'd like a 747 please. You know","a large plain" +"I met with my Spanish friend the other day. He was having a hard time after he split up with his wife, so I told him: “El mundo”. He said, “Thanks, man","That means the world to me" +"What do you call a comedian who can’t remember the punchline. Idk","I’m the one who’s asking" +"Why does a chicken coup only have two doors","Because if it had four it would be a chicken sedan" +"What did the pirate say when the ship's wheel ended up in his pants","Arrgh, you're drivin me nuts" +"If you don't feel well, what do you probably have","Gloves on your hands" +"My son said, “Hey, I want a dad joke. ” I replied, “I’m already your Dad","Also, my name is Dad, not joke" +"Did you hear what happened to the Italian girl at the orgy","She got pasta-round" +"What do you call a gay drive by","A fruit roll up" +"Recommending a pick-up line [NSFW] Dad: Do you like chicken. (They say yes) Dad: Suck my dick then, it's fowl","Thanks for that Dad" +"My fiend and I both love potatoes","We're spuddies" +"I can always tell when. I'm near an. Indian restaurant","That's naan-sense, of course." +"My wife got mad when she found me cooking stir fry on our dog. I don't know why she got mad","She told me to take him for a wok" +"Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says 'you man the guns, and","I'll drive'." +"Got my fiancee last night about or cat Our tiger cat is curled up on her climber* Me: She looks like a Russian hat. Him: (miss hearing me)What does a Russian cat look like. Me: I dunno cause they're always in a hurry. Him:","Me: Cause they're always rushing around" +"My wife and I were grocery shopping. My wife and I were grocery shopping. She texted me I'm going to produce. I responded , What, some sick beets. My wife is pregnant and I've already started with the dad jokes","Where is my life headed" +"Why should you stay calm when meeting a hungry cannibal","Because it's no good getting in a stew" +"My son hates being in pirate school","I don't blame him, his report card always has seven seas" +"Did you know that diarrhea is genetic","It runs in your jeans" +"A girl is pregnant and says to the boyfriend. Woman :: Honey. I'm pregnant. Man :: Nice to meet you pregnant, I'm Dad","Man :: It's happening" +"Why did the cop pull over the U-Haul truck","He wanted to bust a move" +"A bloke in a tractor just drove past shouting The End is Nigh","I think it was Farmer Geddon" +"Where does the chemist occasionally have dinner","The periodic table" +"What’s the best time to practice racket sports","Tennish" +"Man,. I killed it tonight","But that damn clown had it coming" +"I asked a soldier what his rank was. Him: It's private","Me: No, it's okay, you can tell me" +"An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes:","C" +"I got hit by a pool ball immediately after entering the bar","Bad break" +"Got dadjoked by a watch repairman I went in to get a new battery for my watch and while he was working we were making smalltalk. I mentioned that I just got back from doing study abroad in Ireland, and he asked: Which one","Took me a second" +"I was tying my wife to the bed last night for sexy time. I was having trouble getting the rope tied so she started to tease me. I said can you not. She responded: idk, can you knot","I've never been more proud to be married to her" +"The owner of my local paint shop went on a trip to Antarctica and died","medics said he needed another coat" +"My ex's motto: If it ain't broke.","date it" +"I had to stop going to this comedy coffee shop","Too much brew haha" +"I bought a car from Sweden once","It was a real Saab story" +"Joseph Stalin should have known communism wouldn't work","I mean seriously, there were red flags everywhere" +"Studies show that. Australians rarely ever have sexual intercourse, but when they do &#x200B;","Australians mate" +"Why didn't the vegetarian like the space rock as much as the Earth rock","It was a little meteor" +"What's green, fuzzy and will kill you if it falls out a tree","A pool table" +"What did the hangman say to the town after the criminals escaped","I have some bad noose" +"Things not to say at a funeral I've been looking forward to this. This food is delicious and they are to die for","I found out the hard way" +"So John just started working at the butcher's shop. and things are going great for the first few days, handling deliveries, putting cuts into and out of storage, etc. After his first week, coming in at 8am to work with the Butcher's supervision, the Butcher decides that he can trust John with a little more responsibility. The Butcher is a bit of a perfectionist and he tells John that he has to be there by 6am Monday morning because a delivery of fresh beef was due to arrive at 6:15 and it needed storage and processing immediately. John was incredibly excited and set extra alarms Monday. He snoozes his 5am alarm, but his 5:15 alarm gets him going, and he arrives at the shop at 5:55, tired and slightly panicked. He gets into the back room and takes a catnap. He is shaken awake at 7:45am by the Butcher, who is asking where the cuts are. The deliveryman didn't see John and so the beef wasn't delivered or cut","The Butcher was incredibly disappointed in John, and had to fired him because he had caused too many missed steaks" +"What do you call a dog without legs","You don’t call him you go get him" +"Bananas. Dad, do you want more bananas. Nah","They don't sound very a-peel-ing" +"Given my experience, I’m not the best at giving advice when it comes to tequila","So you all have to take it with a grain of salt" +"Got my girlfriend with this one in Times Square today Not a dad, but I'm getting ready you guys. My girlfriend and I were walking around in the city and we ended up in Times Square. She looked at the New Year's Ball and said, The 6 in 2016 looks so stupid. It looks like a 4. To which I replied, Looks like they dropped the ball on that one","She just turned around and walked away" +"I bought something for $4. 50 and gave the store clerk a five. Instead of giving me back two quarters he ripped a dollar in half and handed it to me","There was no cents to that" +"I went to the. Med school library to get a book on abdominal pain","Someone had already ripped the appendix out." +"My wife was mad I didn't wish her a Happy International Women's Day","I said, But you're a Domestic Woman" +"My friends are getting sick of all of my bread jokes","It's too bad, because I was on a roll" +"My dad pulled one off at the airport checkin Dad walks up to check in with two sets of golf clubs by himself Rep why are you bringing two sets of clubs","Dad well I'm connecting and figured I had a 50/50 chance of you losing my clubs" +"Don't blame others for the road you're on","It's your own asphalt" +"I can't believe I just got fired from the calendar factory","All I did was take a day off" +"My Dad got the milk out of the fridge and starting waving it back and forth in front of my face. Dad: What's that","Me: I don't know Dad: It's past-your-eyes milk Me: *Groans*" +"I Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl","Not on my Watch" +"Old McDonald bought a farm, right outside of Cleveland","E-I-E-I-OHIO" +"I ASKED YOU IF YOU KNEW THE NAME OF THIS RESTAURANT http://imgur. com/vvYKsGu","png" +"My family asked what my plans were for the next three years. I told them, Come on guys,","I don't have 2020 vision!" +"My son struck dad joke gold, caught us both by surprise My son is 14 but he still picks his nose. A lot. He also eats it after. A lot. Grosses me out to the extreme, so I rib him about it hoping he'll stop, even using bribery, but no progress yet. A couple of nights ago I saw him doing it again out of the corner of my eye, then he suddenly got up and ran into the kitchen for a napkin. Yup, bloody nose, no surprise there. Find what you were digging for. I asked him. No, he says","I was digging for gold but struck oil" +"What color is your Afghan","My afghan is tan" +"Got remote team members with a dadjoke I'm working on a project for another company. Every morning we have a quick chat over videoconference. They had to move rooms, so we sat on the line and waited. When they came back, they said Hey, we're back. I replied, Hi back, we're Initech","The sigh was the best part" +"What's the most ground breaking invention ever","The shovel" +"My so dadjoked the pizzaguy We drove home from a visit at my parents' house and decided to pick up a pizza on our way home. My SO orders the pizza and the guy asks her how she wants it sliced. Pizzaguy Do you want 4 or 8 slices. My SO Just 4 please","I don't think I can eat 8 slices Me and the pizza guy *eyeroll*" +"Finally figured why non-vegetarians don’t eat veggie pizza","It just doesn’t meat their expectations" +"(OC) I have tendancy to take things literally","I just got out of jail for shoplifting" +"Did you hear about the train that got caught smoking on the job","Now it Choo-choo chews" +"A nun might put a towel on her head from time to time","But she wouldn't make a habit of it" +"Dad joke from the BBC. http://www. bbc","com/news/entertainment-arts-29443728" +"Son makes a Dad Joke Dad: How was school today son. Son: Well I'd say it was about like a belt made of watches. Dad: what do you mean by that. Son: A belt made of watches","You know, a Big *Waist* of Time" +"He's been complaining about a sore arm Doc","I asked my Dentist if an electric toothbrush would clean better than a manual, he said I dunno, how good is Emanuel" +"My wife just got me during dinner. couldn't be prouder. I made dinner that was ready right as my wife got home from work. I was pulling the fish out of the oven and ask her if she is having rice on the side","She tells me that's naan of your business as I turn and see her putting a piece of naan in the toaster" +"What do you call a belt made out of watches","A waist of time" +"Breaking news. Cheese factory explosion in France","De brie is everywhere" +"What’s Forrest Gump’s password","1forrest1" +"it all","The title says it all." +"Roommate had to cut the power upstairs Him: Hey, I'm cutting the power now. *click* Him: Did it work","Me: I don't know…It's too dark to tell" +"Classic Dad Me: I hurt my knee Dad: Your highknee or lowknee. Me: Roll eyes","Low knee Same response for over a decade" +"Why does James Charles always lose at poker","He can never get a straight" +"What do thieves make their weapons from","Steal" +"To the person who stole my. Microsoft office","I will find you, you have my word" +"I heard my teenager mumbling in her sleep","She kept repeating, 1,3,5,7,9 Literally she can't even" +"When a light goes out, it's best to call the whole family","Because many hands make light work" +"If a short psychic broke out of jail","then you'd have a small medium at large" +"Just got my wife at the Target So I just had surgery and one of my restrictions is that I can't lift anything heavier than 20 lbs. Was at the Target today with the wife to return a lamp that she had purchased but then decided she didn't like. She parked the SUV and I opened the back to carry the lamp on the store. She said What are you doing. You aren't supposed to lift anything. I replied, But it's light. Got the triple whammy. The groan, eye roll, and disgusted walk away from me and into the store","Had to carry the lamp, but it was worth it" +"The USA turns 241 years old this July 4th","which means that it will go back to being indivisible" +"My daughter loves Mickey Mouse, so that's why I had to go to Disneyland","When I came home, I told her where I have been to, she was very excited" +"Why are there no knock knock jokes about America. because freedom rings. Edit: wow this is getting decent attention, Happy Brexit 1776 everyone","Edit 2: top 50 all time on r/dadjokes and I'm not even a dad yet" +"My dad was always to afraid to join the army","His psychiatrist calls it general anxiety" +"A man walks into a bar. with a newt on his shoulder, and says to the barman, A pint for me please, and one for Tiny, pointing to his shoulder. Barman says, Why do you call him Tiny","Well, because he's my newt" +"What secret society loves to eat pretzels","The Illumi-Knotty" +"My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night","But it's ok I will recover" +"I remember telling my children I wanted to be a stand up comedian and they laughed","Well no ones laughing now" +"How do billboards communicate","Sign language" +"Why is it spelled camouflage","And not ____________" +"The furniture seating is terrible. Mom: Can we move the furniture around, these aren't very good seats for watching the game. Our cat is laying down inside a box on the carpet. Dad: Well, at least the cat has box seats","The entire living room groaned" +"Dadjoked a friend today So I was sitting with two friends today. One of them has her nose pierced. My other friend says, how long have you had your nose thing","I instantly responded, since she was born" +"Every time Someone: What time is it. Dad (looking at watch, confused): I don't know","it keeps changing" +"What do you call a nosey pepper","Jalapeño business" +"Proud of my son My 11 year old just came up to me, Hey, dad. If gravity was a woman, everyone would want to date it -- it's so darned attractive. I'm proud of that boy",":)" +"What did Mario say when he broke up with Peach","It's not you, it's a me Mario" +"I was going to jump rope for exercise this am. But","I ended up skipping it" +"My. Son. Is. Terrified. Of. Pi. It's. A. Completely. Irrational","Fear" +"My wife thought. I was going to fart on her. Unfortunately,","I didn’t have it in me." +"Dad Joked at Breakfast I was eating breakfast with my dad (one of them), peeling a hardboiled egg. The shell was sticking and I was getting quite frustrated. Me: This thing is pissing me off. Dad: Is it egging you on","Me: <slow claps>" +"I just bought a Thesaurus at the store and bought it home to find all the pages were blank","I have no words to describe how angry I am" +"What did the hungover middle eastern man say","I falafel" +"I have a fear of speed bumps","but I'm slowly getting over them" +"Why can't you run through a campsite","You can only ran, it's past tents" +"Why couldn't Jeff Bezos fall asleep","He didn't have his pajamazon" +"8yo daughter: What is an unknown animal. Me: I don't know","Daughter: Right" +"Dadjoked at Checkout I am a cashier at Publix and had a guy and his wife come through my line. Upon ringing up his milk I asked do you want your milk in a bag. Dad: No thanks, I find it easier to take it home in the jug it came in. Dad's wife: Dammit Phil, you say that every time we get milk","Apparently, even after saying it every time, it still makes him chuckle" +"Who likes my new grasses. http://m. imgur","com/gk7bzfs" +"What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden","an artificial Swedener" +"At my son's insistence that i post it. Have y'all heard about that really annoying vampire. Apparently, they are a real pain in the neck","Down vote" +"Wow, that’s really high up there. I’m going to need either a ladder or a step stool","And I prefer the latter" +"what kindof horse does Kim Kardasian ride","a Kan-neiggggh" +"Her: Do you think our kids are spoiled","Me: No, I think most kids smell that way" +"Why do sharks swim in salt water","Because pepper water makes them sneeze" +"Why did the pirate walk the plank","Because he couldn't afford a dog" +"Dad joked by my 4 year old He's going to be 4 in a month and pulled this one on me. While reading him a book, he said see here. And pointed his finger at a C. I am proud","Waiting for his mum to arrive to share the good news" +"What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed","Oh sheet" +"I used to be poor. Then I found a thesaurus","Now I’m impecunious" +"I accidentally swallowed a glider","Now I have a soar throat" +"At the airport gate, they announce that all smart bags must be checked. My mom asks my dad, What's a smart bag","The opposite of a douche bag Thanks, dad" +"I was wondering why the sun hadn't come up yet","Then it dawned on me." +"My girlfriend told me that. I'm getting on her nerves. I put my hand on her and said no, now","I'm on your nerves" +"The long awaited, much anticipated documentary Herbs is being released tomorrow","It's about thyme" +"The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking. the invention of the broom swept the nation. The invention of the hammer totally nailed it. The invention of the grill really smoked the competition The invention of the switch really turned us on. But the invention of the drill was boring And the invention of the vacuum really sucked And the invention of the light bulb was a bright idea The invention of the refrigerator was really cool. The discovery of electricity was shocking. The invention of the handwarmer was touching The invention of the plane was lifting","^^^sorry" +"While driving I saw a sign that said watch for children","and I thought, I could use a new watch" +"Did you get a haircut","No I got them all cut" +"What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce milk","An udder failure" +"The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “Pints, Litres, Gallons","” That spoke volumes" +"My son built an eagle out of LEGO My response: Wow, buddy. You're very 'talon-ted'","My wife's groan from the other room was the best part" +"I told my wife, “The first stage of grief is guilt. ” She said, “Isn’t it denial","” Me: No, not for me" +"Imagine trying to eat a clock","It would be so time consuming" +"What do you call a deer with no eyes","No eye deer" +"I'm addicted to brake fluid","But it's ok I can stop at any time" +"I don't usually put an orange slice in my beer. Except maybe once in a. Blue","Moon" +"I was at an ATM and an old lady asked if I could help check her balance","So I pushed her over" +"I'd like to give a big shout out to all the sidewalks","For keeping me off the streets" +"What do you call a cheap circumcision","A rip off" +"I used to hate third person singular pronouns. But then","I got used to it." +"My son said he would pay off his student debt if he won the lottery","I wonder what he'd do with the remaining £5" +"My wife was in the shower this morning I was talking with my wife while she was showering this morning. As I was leaving the bathroom, she was just finishing up. She turned off the water and. Wife: There. Now I don't smell anymore. Me: Oh wow, Honey, I'm really sorry you broke your nose","Wife: Get out" +"What do you call a person unaware of whole wheat, whole grain, sourdough and rye","Aloof of bread" +"In a recent poll, 80% of people in. America said they would not open their homes to a sentient water basin that walked up to their door and asked for shelter…","Let that sink in…" +"My vacuum is too overpowered","It really sucks" +"What kind of bee produces milk","A boobie" +"Once a man assaulted me with milk, butter, and cheese","How dairy" +"[NSFW] A terrible one my dad told at the dinner table. Did you hear about the prostitute in the leper colony","She had to retire, because business was dropping off" +"Dad got me when I asked about his attire Me: Hey dad, where'd you get that shirt","Dad: My closet The entire family groaned at that one" +"After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working. Your pupils","They dilate" +"I really hate proctologists with big hands","They're such a pain in the butt" +"Why is the Norwegian military putting barcodes on their ships","So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian" +"I hate vacuums","They suck." +"I started training at my new job and dadjoked by coworkers then got dadjoked by my new boss So as the title said, I started training today for my new job and we had a huge meeting with all of the heads of the business and one of the heads gave everyone rocks that symbolized something or other. I look at the rock, then at my two coworkers and say Hey guys, do you wanna get *stoned*. They groaned, as was expected, so I continued with, Come on guys, don't be so *rough* on me. Making these puns was pretty *hard*","My boss comes up and says I think your puns *rock*" +"What is the worst-smelling insect in the world","De-odor-ant" +"Why do cemeteries have fences","Because people are dying to get in" +"My butcher is 6 2 what does he weigh","Meat" +"Dad to son: Did you know diarrhea is hereditary","It runs in our jeans" +"Duck Tales tv show Knock knock Who’s there. Duck Tales Duck Tales who","WOO" +"Within less than 24 hours of becoming a Dad. Friend became a father. He has recently moved house. My wife went crazy and bought baby clothes. I sent him an email that said Wifey has gone mad. What's your new address","His reply We don't want her" +"I wanted to make this post for a while. But never had a reason to. http://m. imgur","com/329MqVL" +"What do you call it when a cowboy declares holy war","Yee-had" +"What's brown and rhymes with snoop. Dr","Dre" +"Why did Chewbacca crash the Millennium Falcon the first time he flew it","It was a wookie mistake" +"My poor mother. My mom was sitting down and asked my dad, who was standing up, for a favor","Mom: Hey, could you get in the top left cupboard and- Dad: I CAN'T FIT IN THERE" +"A noble gas walks into a bar A couple of guys see him and try to beat him up","He didn't react" +"There was a kidnapping at my school the other day","Its ok he woke up" +"Why was the ant so confused","Because all of his uncles were ants" +"My robot friend works from home","He DOES NOT COMMUTE" +"I asked my Dad what it was like to learn Braille for the first tine, but he didn’t want to talk about it","It must be a touchy subject" +"What did the pirate say when he saw his kid lighting the ship on fire","(x-post, /r/Jokes) Arrr son" +"Came up with this myself while playing Farming Simulator 17 What do you call a baptized bale of hay","Christian Bale" +"It's so foggy","I can't see myself going to work today" +"What's a runners favorite class in school","Jography" +"I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles","My mate reckons I have selfie steam issues" +"Here’s a little bit of advice","Advi" +"Why did FEMA put life-jackets on dolphins in the Gulf of Mexico","For safety porpoises" +"My wife’s unintentional dad joke","Me: Sanding dry wall putty, as I prep a room to paint Wife: Walks in and says, “It looks like everything is going smoothly” Me: “Yeah, but It started off a little rough”" +"What happened to the illegally parked frog","It got toad away" +"What do you call an interfering antelope","An anterloper" +"What do you call the Tooth Fairy in a lamp","A Hygenie" +"What do you call the gland in your throat responsible for deep thinking","Your philosophagus" +"My wife’s dad just beat me in a race to read the entire constitution","I got quite far, but he’s farther in law" +"I visited my doctor today and have been prescribed some anti-gloating cream","Now all I have to do is rub it in" +"A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you","Pop , goes the weasel" +"Picked up the kid from school the other day She had been at her mom's for a week and we were switching over to my place. I told her You'll be happy to know I didn't think of a single dad joke last week. Good. . I thought of a whole bunch of them. /groan Dad. Yeah, that wasn't a very good one, I know. Then I thought about it for a minute, and we were walking up to the house and I said I still kind of like it though. I mean, it's a dad jokes about dad jokes. So it's a **meta** dad joke Looked at her, lowered my sunglasses","And I've never met a dad joke I didn't like Daaaaddddd" +"I’ve got a joke on construction","I’m still working on it though" +"The letter E was crossing the road when he was almost ran over by a car. Fortunately, he was saved by the rest of the vowels. What did he say to them","A, I O U" +"I thought a had a Japanese friend","But was just my imagine Asian" +"Sometimes Facebook comes through. Sorry for the image, but I think it's necessary for the delivery: [Image](http://i. imgur. com/vWJq1Mb","png) **EDIT: STAR WARS THE FORCE AWAKES SPOILERS** Sorry" +"Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. She asked how warm is it inside","I replied Lukewarm" +"I was walking by the dump and heard voices yelling at each other,","Trash talk" +"What do you call a happy farmer who loves candy","A Jolly Rancher" +"What does Jeff Bezos do before going to bed","Put his pajamazon" +"Why do people get scared of clocks","Because they are alarming" +"The guy who stole my diary died recently","My thoughts are with his family" +"Son: Dad, every time a woman walks by you stare at her butt. What's wrong with you","Me: Nothing, my hindsight is 20/20" +"What do you call a Slavic man in a hurry","A Russian" +"My girlfriend hit her foot on the table. I tried to hit her with the classic Should I call a toe truck. She said, Very funny, but I hit the bottom of my foot","So I said, Then maybe I should call the Sole Train" +"What's Irish and stays outside all year long","Patty O'Furniture" +"Sensodyne is a popular toothpaste for sensitive teeth. I wanted to make a version for non-sensitive teeth","I called it Nonsenseodyne" +"Sorry for the re post everyone. http://imgur","com/cn0d5Ee" +"Dad just dropped this on me at lunch. Me: What time is the graduation. Dad: It's at 2:30. It's also the perfect dentist time. Me: Why is that dentist time","Dad: Because your tooth hurty" +"Which kind of dinosaur is attracted to both male and female dinosaurs","A biceratops" +"Dad Joke Inception While celebrating the birth of his newborn, a son is drinking with his father. The father turns to the son with a gift","Here son, it is your time to have this says the father as he hands across a book title '1001 Dad Jokes' Wow, I don't know what to say states the son I am honoured Hi honoured, I'm dad" +"What four letters frighten a burglar","O I C U" +"Nirvana is Dad Jokes A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, Make me one with everything. The hotdog guy gives him a loaded dog, the Buddhist gives him $10 and gets nothing back","Hotdog vendor explains, Change comes from within" +"My wife hit me. Walking with my wife and 2 year old last night when my wife mentioned there was an open house a few blocks away. She asked if you want to go and be snoopy. I responded what do you want me to do, dance on a piano. that's when she hit me. update: 1583 upvotes. Holy crap. never thought my idiocy would pay off. (in fake points) Update #2: Holy crap","thank you whoever got me the gold" +"Why are dogs such bad dancers","They have two left feet" +"I use fractions instead of percentages approximately 33. 3333","% less often than I should" +"I hate stereotypes Sony, Panasonic, Sanyo","I hate them all" +"Dad jokes are Stephen Colbert's. [bread and butter](https://www. youtube. com/watch. v=c6RVKCqGhCM&feature=youtu","be&t=6m23s)" +"I cannot think of a good art joke","Oh well, back to the drawing board" +"My 3 yr old just cracked me up with this joke as I was putting him to bed Why did the tree moo","Because there was a cow stuck in it" +"How do you catch a Unique bird","Unique up on it" +"A man and a giraffe walk into a bar The man sits at the bar and the giraffe goes to sleep on the floor. The bartender says what's that lyin' on the floor",", the man says it's not a lion, it's a giraffe" +"What kind of shoes does a chicken wear","Ree bok bok bok" +"Calcium is the best element. I don’t know why","I just feel it in my bones" +"I was bored and looking for a hobby, so I picked up fencing","The neighbours said that they will call the cops if I don’t put it back" +"Wanna see a round square","Here's one from above: ______" +"What is a ghost’s favorite porn","Boo-kakke" +"Why does the dragon only sleep during the day","He only hunts knights" +"My friend told me he got free backstage passes to see ZZ Top","My first thought was how how how how" +"Communist jokes aren’t funny","Unless everyone gets it" +"Niece: Lorde just dropped a new album Me: I hope it wasn't a 78","Those things really shatter" +"First one I've gotten from my dad since I was a kid. http://m. imgur","com/fdAbgrN" +"I don't understand why convertibles are so expensive","They have no overhead" +"Someone asked me about the future of juggling. Someone asked me about the future of juggling","I told them, it's up in the air" +"I really didn't like despicable me movies in the begining. But it","Gru on me" +"Did you hear North Korea is changing their measuring system","They are measuring in glorious litres now" +"What Engineer can see through Evil","A Civil Engineer" +"Why did the 3 want to hook up with the other 3","Because of the six appeal" +"What’s a thief’s favorite food","Strobberies" +"My brother became a husband and a dad on the same day. I was a groomsmen at my brothers wedding recently and a couple of us had to go to the bathroom before the ceremony started so we asked if we had time to","My brother turned to us with a twinkle in his eye and a smirk on his face and said, Go now or forever hold your pees" +"Hostess couldn't quite figure out where to seat us. Dad: She's taking us on a wild booth chase","Note: He said this through tears of laughter, while literally slapping his own knee" +"That one guy who's in the hospital because he just got trampled by a horse","His condition is stable" +"Man people have a really short attention span for. Avengers:. Endgame","Its only a twenty second movie" +"Dad joke>empathy So I was cycling back from high school one day and I fell off my bike. Nothing major happened, just a few scratches and a torn pair of jeans. I get home and walk through the front door, and my dad is sitting in his armchair peering over his newspaper. Dad: What happened. Did you fall in a deep fryer. Me: What. No, I. Dad: It's just you look pretty battered Me: . Just a side-note, he did check I was fine afterwards","I guess the urge was just too strong" +"Bro, can you pass me the leaflet","Brochure" +"Idk if I should tell you this joke about a broken horn","It just doesn’t sound right" +"What happens when you muzzle a tree","It loses its bark" +"Lens replacement on a pair of glasses So my daughter was playing tennis last week when she got hit by an errant ball knocking her glasses off. When her glasses hit the ground both lenses popped out. She brought them home and we fixed them. Next day she said one of the lenses wasn't seated right. No problem. I told her to pop the lenses out and reseat them. Her response, I don't know how to get the lenses out. My comment, Hit them with a tennis ball. That seems to work well. Silence","Well, just me chuckling to myself, but otherwise silence" +"I only know 25 letters of the alphabet","I don't know why" +"Why do dentists have so many trophies. Because they got rid of the plaques. (This one popped into my head getting into the shower","Crap, it’s early" +"My statistics teacher told me. I was an average student","How mean!" +"Who was the worlds first carpenter","Eve, because she made Adams banana stand" +"Say “Rise up lights” out loud","Congratulations, you can now say razor blades in Australian" +"When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof","I was shocked" +"Dad dropped a gem on during dinner. Me: Hey dad, do we have any thousand island dressing left. I don't see it in here","Dad: Nope, theres only 900 island" +"I'd hate to be a dragon","I'd get so angry trying to blow out my birthday candles" +"Mike Tyson opened an outdoor strip club","In the winter they are clothed" +"What's the worst part about being a cross-eyed teacher","They can't control their pupils" +"Same thing, right. My roommate was referring to how he ate some off-brand gushers Roommate: They were these, like, fruit tablets Me: Oh, so the iPad","He looked at me like I was his worst enemy" +"What do you call a police helicopter","A heli-copper" +"How do you scare a bee","You say boo-bee" +"My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction","So I packed up my stuff and right" +"My Dad attempting to text ends up turning into a perfect Dad joke. My Dad has been trying to use texting vocabulary, but instead has been making up his own texting shorthands. I decided to tell him it didn't work that way, [then he laid this one on me. ](http://imgur","com/dC8Pqeq)" +"Kid got dad joked by our teacher. We were talking about an upcoming test when one student asked how long is the test and my teacher said 11 inches","I was the only one who laughed." +"My wife thinks it’s weird that I don’t miss the days when my kids were little and used to wake us up at night","But I don’t lose any sleep over it" +"Sodium. Sodium. Sodium. Sodium. Sodium. Sodium. Sodium. Sodium. Sodium. Sodium. Sodium. Sodium. Sodium. Sodium. Sodium. Sodium","Batman!" +"My friend thought having his boat pulled to a lagoon would be free of charge. But, no","He was charged atoll" +"I was talking to a patient that didn't do very well with his rehab exercises (and didn't try very hard either)","I said, you gave it the old community college try, eh" +"My seven year old daughter just got me to full-on guffaw. I'm perusing r/dadjokes, and find a few gems. I turn to my daughter and say, Little, this is going to crack you up She turns to me and says, like egg jokes. I lost it","Edit: autocorrect" +"Did you hear about the corruption scandal in the milk company","Turns out they were skimming a bit off the top" +"Why are Rudolph and Blitzer always drinking coffee","Because they're my star bucks" +"A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that","He replies, Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days" +"I asked my friend who works at a funeral home how his job was","He told me it was a dying industry" +"What’s brown and sticky","A stick" +"Where do generals keep their armies","In their sleevies" +"What kind of cheese does Medusa eat","Gorgonzola" +"Just got caught off-guard by my eleven-year-old daughter. So, in true dad spirit, I asked my daughter if she'd heard about the man raised by horses. After I delivered the difficult childhood, but a stable environment punchline, she groaned and said, I thought you were going to say he was your neigh-bour","She learns fast" +"We saw a group of turtles on the highway. Me: I wonder where they are going","Him: They're probably heading to the nearest Shell station" +"What do you call an alligator in a vest","An Investigator" +"What do you call a vegetable in a particular red white and blue pattern. Onion","Jack" +"My grandpa always told me that you can be anyone you want to be","He was wanted for identity theft in several states" +"My boyfriend gave me a butt massage today, but only focused on one cheek","It was very half-assed" +"I was gonna start selling spices","But that’s a waste of thyme" +"What did Rick Astley get when he signed up for College","Rick enRolled" +"Do you like the new fridge","I guess, its pretty cool *sigh of defeat*" +"Girlfriend got me today","I needed to get picked up at the airport" +"The past, present and future are in a bar","it was tense" +"What's Putin's favorite Justin Timberlake song","Crimea River" +"What do you call a minute that's to short","A minute minute" +"What’s a ducks favourite nacho topping","Quack-amole" +"People who work on those polar icebreaking ships are probably really good conversationalists at parties","I mean, who's better at breaking the ice than an icebreaker" +"What do you call a dad who eats a lot of pepperoni pizza","A Papaeroni" +"In what US state do you find a priest sneeze, then sit down","Massachusetts" +"My husband suggested we get a repeater to improve our router signal. Me: A what. Him: A repeater","Me: *dramatic eyebrow wiggling with shit eating grin* Him: Oh my god" +"A son and dad are driving on a highway, when the son says “Watch out, road works ahead","” The dad chuckles to himself and replies: “Yeah I sure hope it does" +"Grandpa's still got it. My grandfather is recovering from surgery. Mom: How are you feeling. Grandpa: With my fingers","I could hear my dad laughing hysterically in the background" +"I just ate the best doughnut","In the hole world" +"My dad said this one after my dog ate a sock","If you eat a sock you don't have to wipe after you poop." +"A long one So, a few weeks ago, someone posted a pretty long dad joke. Here's mine--it's what my dad would call a Shaggy dog story . The dolphin trainers at the zoo were very upset because the dolphins were very ill and getting worse. An animal shaman told them that he could not only cure the dolphins, but make them live forever--all he needed were some young sea gulls. The trainers immediately set off to find some young sea gulls. While looking for the gulls, a lion at the zoo escaped. The trainers didn't care--they had to save the dolphins. They found their gulls and were making there way back to the dolphin enclosure when they came across the lion. Fortunately, it was dead asleep, having been hit with a tranquilizer dart--but it was right in the middle of the path. So, they carefully stepped across it, and were immediately arrested. The crime","Transporting young gulls across state lions for immortal porpoises" +"My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables","Jack and the beans talk" +"Me: Hey dad, what’s up","Dad: My weight" +"So I've been using my U2 SatNav for a few weeks now and I'm fed up","The Streets Have No Name and I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" +"How many egg jokes can one create","About a dozen" +"I felt ashamed and left the room 😂 Family discussion about what my cousin wanted to do after school My cousin I think I want to go into the Navy My mum oh yeah, what qualifications do you need to join the navy Me I think you need","7 seas" +"I asked my. Grandpa, who was raised in. Ohio and. New. Jersey, why he had been born in. Pennsylvania","He told me he wanted to be close to his mom." +"I can’t believe","that pretzels are knot bread" +"Of all my body parts, my fingers are the most reliable","I can always count on them" +"To whoever stole my Microsoft office, I will find you","You have my Word" +"Why did nobody tell me Dad jokes are involuntarily Wife: Where are you. you were supposed to be home an hour ago. Me: I just popped over to Frank's house. His father died this morning. Wife: Oh my God. That's so sad. Shall I send him a message or something. Me: I wouldnt bother to be honest. Wife: Why","Me: Well, he's dead and his phones off" +"Drummer In The Band Had A Clever Joke The band I'm in was setting up for an outdoor gig in the heat of the late summer afternoon. The drummer (an old guy) said, Time to pick up my biggest fan. He strolled over to his car and grabbed a box fan and set it up near his drum set","I can't believe I took him seriously for a minute" +"Got my dad this morning with the new UK PM. Me: Did you see a women named Theresa might be the new PM in the UK. Dad: hmm, yeah, Theresa May","Me: Yeah, she might" +"A redneck wants to buy a German car","Audi partner" +"My wife tells me that. I need to have opinions","I agree" +"I can never go out in public again, but I will treasure this one forever. After I let one rip with moderate force, my dad responded by bellowing out (in a crowded restaurant) SPEAK ON SWEET LIPS THAT NEVER TOLD A LIE","I turned a lovely shade of puce, and made every effort to show that I had never seen this strange man before" +"IPad I was sitting with my 3 year old, who inadvertently managed to hit me in the eye with the corner of his iPad. Wife: well they don't call it an iPad for nothing","Sigh" +"Bagging someone's groceries at the store. I was bagging groceries for a couple and they had 7 or 8 cobs of corn in one of those thin plastic bags, as I lifted it the bag broke and the man uttered a single phrase","Aw shucks" +"What's Forrest Gump's password","1forrest1" +"My friend told me, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you have on. ” I said, “Thanks","It’s called pants, not an ass shirt" +"How do you make Holy water","Boil the hell out of it" +"I was going to challenge my friend to a competition to see who blinked first, but then I fell down a flight of steps","It wasn't the kind of *stairdown* I had in mind" +"What organization makes sure the grass is nice and green","Law-n-forcement" +"What do French people say when riding a roller coaster","OUUUIIIIIIIIII" +"Finally retired I'm retired. Yep, I was tired yesterday, and I'm tired again today","haha" +"I heard some scientists were surprised when they discovered a particle that moves faster than the speed of light","I guess they just didn’t see it coming" +"If I ever need to have a kidney removed. I'm going to get it plasticized so that if anyone ever asks me for anything, I can say Sure","Here, why don't you take kidney while you're at it" +"Her: I am exhausted. Me: My car is exhausted. Her: Why. Me: To remove waste gases safely from the engine","Her: *threats of violence*" +"What do you call the spirit of a dead hen haunting a farm. A poultry-geist","Courtesy of my father while eating rotisserie chicken" +"Dad joke straight outta compton My buddies and I have a group chat going. One guy mentions how he downloaded Dillon Francis' new album and how shared it with us on Facebook. I asked him if he had Dr. Dre's new album so I could get it, but he said he forgot to look it up","Another dude in the chat says, so you forgot about Dre" +"What's good as armor but gets picked up by your spam filter","Chain Mail" +"Magician, at the end of his trick: Ta Da","Statistician, at the start of his project: Da Ta" +"I love this time of year because. I'm really good at wrapping presents","It's one of my gifts." +"How many ears does Captain Kirk have","3 1 left ear 1 right ear And the final front ear" +"What do you get when you cross a railway with a broken down car","Killed" +"What happens to a bad ghost-comedian","He gets booed off stage" +"Got my wife with a this one tonight We were talking about Grey's Anatomy Her: It's like a soap opera, but it's a medical drama also","Me: So it's more like a hand-sanitizer opera" +"I told the teller at the bank I had an easy day at work","She asked me what I do for a living and I told her I was a HVAC Engineer she replied So your day was a breeze" +"Want to hear a joke about construction","I'm still working on it" +"Why did the skeleton burp in the church","Because he didn't have the guts to fart" +"How did the butcher introduce his wife","Meet pattie" +"My friend lives up north is really sad","He’s an esk-emo" +"My mum suggested we had lunch in a cafe located in an old crypt. My dad replied 'I don't think so, I wouldn't been seen dead there'","This was followed by rolled eyes from my mum and I whilst my dad looked very pleased with himself" +"My son told me that he needed supervision for a school project he was working on","I asked him, Since when is regular vision not good enough?" +"What do corals get stressed about","Current events" +"Heard about this guy, he has the worst luck","He stole a biology textbook, and got like a million life sentences" +"Some people say there is no river in Egypt","it's denial" +"Checking for eggs. In the shops. Pick up a carton of eggs. Open the carton to check for broken eggs. Say audibly Yep, they're eggs","Sometimes get a chuckle from an obvious dad" +"I took a lobster out for dinner","When he saw the main course, he sure looked steamed!" +"What kind of horses come only come out after dark","Nightmares" +"Why was the strawberry crying","His mother was in a jam" +"Via my 3 year old this morning. I'm just so proud Alright sweetheart, Daddy's going to jump in the shower","Ok Daddy, make sure you jump really high" +"My dad gets our dog Our dog, mickey, was at his bowl crying for more water. My dad filled up his bowl, with my dog still whining","As he lowered the bowl to the ground he said That is a very fine whine, Mickey, a very fine whine" +"What do you call a theater production based on a dictionary","A play on words" +"Did you guys watch the news. Someone poured oil all over a major Jordanian city and heated it up","It was Petra frying" +"What kind of house isnt heavy","A LIGHThouse" +"What's the best time to go duck hunting","At the quack of dawn" +"I was sick I was sick today. So I walk up to my Dad, and: Me: Hey Dad, do we have any cold medicine. Dad: No, everything's room temperature","I am still coughing" +"A poker player would never make any money if he sat in a folding chair","- My dad" +"Girlfriend had a burst of inspiration whilst out for lunch - Knock knock. - Who's there. - Warren Loveworth. - Warren Loveworth who","- Warrenloveworth eachother" +"Where Does The House Keep All it's Money","In it's Wall-et (Kill me please)" +"My friend told me it's weird she's dating a math teacher","I told her yes that is, something isn't adding up" +"Wife hands husband the receipt. **Husband**: Wow. Getting *a* hair cut costs that much these days. **Wife**: I'm getting less and less impressed by your dad jokes. You need to step up your game before we have kids. **Husband**: Hi, getting less and less impressed by your dad jokes. I'm Dad. **Wife**: You're not even a dad yet, honey. I'm serious about this. You need to have better dad jokes ready soon. **Husband**: Hi, I'm serious about this. I'm honey. **Wife**: Hi, honey. I'm pregnant. **Husband**: Hi, pregn-- *wide eyes, big smile, and only a mild disappointment about getting totally out-dadjoked* EDIT: Thanks for the congratulations, but my wife is actually not pregnant (as far as I know at least ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯ ). This was written while thinking What would be the funniest way my wife could tell me in the future I'll be a father","Hmmm" +"I went to the doctor about my bad back. After examining me, he asked, Have you ever experienced disc problems","I said, Yeah, the CD wasn't playing in my car earlier" +"What brand of car does an Egg drive","A Yolkswagen" +"Duct tape isn't ever used for its intended purpose","But it DOES seal quacks in ducks" +"Where does a poor italian live","the spaghetto" +"The. Lion, the. Witch and the. Wardrobe is a perfect book to read during. June. A story of people coming out of the closet is perfect for. Pride","Month." +"/r/dadjokes, I'll tell you what","what" +"A customer got me today He asked me if he could close the blinds, and I asked him why and he said because he was being blinded","as he chuckled to himself" +"You were named after Adolf Hitler","He was named first" +"Heard from my friend's dad who runs several Chinese restaurants. Friends dad: Do you know how to make an eggroll. Me: Not really, how","Friends dad: Just give it a little push" +"I slept with a woman last night who asked me, Do you smoke after sex","I said I don't know, I've never looked" +"What's white and lives at the bottom of the ocean","The Klu Klux Klam" +"Before you go in the bathroom you're American. After you come out, you're American. What are you when you're in the bathroom","European (as told by my 10 year old daughter)" +"Why did Simba’s Dad die","Because he couldn’t Mufasa ‘nuff" +"My wife is freaking out about an upcoming deadline in her dress making business. I said, “Relax","You seamstressed" +"Step Ladder We were out on a party boat that our family rented","My wife's uncle points to the ladder to climb out of the water back in the boat and says, That's just my step ladder, I never knew my real ladder" +"Marvel at this dad joke Watching the first Avengers movie with wife. W: That's Thanos, right. Who does him. Me: Mrs","Thanos, I would imagine" +"Why did the rock go to the bank","He wanted to make a mineral deposit" +"Ive discovered a synonym for Ironman","Fe-Male" +"Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by dropping it in a glass of water","If it sinks: girl If it floats: boyant" +"Topical Was at CostCo (big box store) with the wife. Wife: Since there's only two of us tonight, I thought I'd by a rack of lamb for dinner. That way we can each have half of a rack. Me (with no hesitation): Just like ISIS","Wife: :| Me: :D" +"A meth addict tried to shoot me with a sniper rifle","He was a real crack shot" +"Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight","Because it was well armed" +"After many years of being an Athiest, I finally musterd up the courage to tell my religious family","I couldn't believe myself" +"Pulled this one at brunch today. A couple friends and I were eating and had been talking about the history of ethnic cleansing in Bosnia. Friend: Wow, were actually having a real grown-up conversation. The conversation progressed on and eventually evolved into an inappropriate discussion on our pooping schedules. Friend: So much for our adult conversation","Me: Ya it totally went down the toilet" +"Hey, do you have any gum","No Where do you keep your teeth" +"My son asked if he had another snowbuddies DVD","I looked at him and said I don't snow buddy At least my mom laughed" +"As. I handed my. Dad his 50th","Birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know, one would have been enough”" +"My daughter made a dad joke We were watching Harry Potter, and when he dive in the frozen lake to fetch the sword, I said something along Wake up Hermione, you moron, you're going to freeze to death . My daughter then said He's gonna die from Harrypottermia . I was so proud . I then beat her to death for doing a dad joke before me. That'll show her","Mods : Sorry if this does not fit the sub" +"My homemade grandfather clock got all jammed up","That really grinds my gears" +"I'm so hungry I could eat my watch","But that would be time consuming" +"I’m not sure. I like my winter beard","But it’s growing on me." +"What did the DJ name his son. This is an audible joke so just typing the name here won't be funny. [My video of the joke, 4 seconds. ](https://youtu","be/kUTKAbR3284)" +"First day home and he's at it already Mum: Did you get the train back on your own","Dad: No I'm sure there were other people on it" +"Trump has called for a ban on pre-packaged shredded cheese. He wants to make","America grate again." +"How do drugsdealers transport there drugs","They take the highway" +"I made my girlfriend a Gin and Tonic she said, Thanks, babe. I love it. I replied, So you can say it really Schwepped you off your feet","&nbsp; She took a very extended sip and walked away" +"a. Reddit employee was asked what he thought of r/DadJokes. He said, No","Comments" +"I accidentally dropped my phone in the bath yesterday. Some water got stuck in between the phone and it’s cover. I thought my phone was waterproof","But apparently not in this case" +"My wife and kids have all really gotten into this fad of wearing vests every day. I tried it for a little while but gave up on it","I guess I'm just not that invested" +"What does cheese yell when throwing something away","COLBY" +"My tombstone will read","Wait, tombstones can't read" +"On a scale from I can't believe it's not butter to that's definitely butter","I'd say my day could have been butter." +"My wife said in a text message:. My boobs hurt so bad today :'( (crying face). My response:","So are they boo-hoo-bies?" +"What do you call a seagull that hangs out in San Francisco","A bagel" +"What do Immanuel Kant and driving cars have in common","I Kant drive Immanuel" +"Dad, my Girlfirend's Pregnant. Dad, my girlfriend's pregnant. I'm not mad, just disappointed. Hi disappointed, I'm dad. Did you jus. Yes. You're ready","I'm not ready, I just told you that I'm dad" +"How do you catch a unique rabbit. Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit. A: Unique up on it Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit","A: Tame way" +"My wife wanted me to skip my friend’s bbq to go to a play with her","Seems like a big missed-steak" +"What do you call a person with short term memory","I can't remember" +"So dad wasn't feeling too well last time i was at their place. He'd been on the toilet for a while, yells out to my mum: Can you get me a sharp pencil Why","Because i want to work something out" +"I heard Disney are finally going to make a Ratatouille sequel","Apparently it's gonna be called Incredible Stew" +"My cat tipped over her litter box","This was a shitty thing to wake up to" +"Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France","There was nothing left but de brie" +"Your uncle. David just lost his. ID. Now you can call him uncle","Dav." +"My new thesaurus is terrible","It’s also terrible" +"Yo mama so classless, she could be a. Marxist utopia","For when you're dad is recently divorced" +"I don't really care about Mr","Cone's opinion But I think he has a solid point" +"You know, my problem is not that I procrastinate","I just don't give myself time at the last minute to do stuff" +"What do you call a bear with no teeth","A gummy bear" +"Multilingual Dad Joke Me: So what is this stuff, anyway. Son: Soy ice cream. Me: Hola, Ice Cream","Soy papá" +"and then there was the constipated mathematician","it's okay though, he worked it out with a pencil" +"I was so bored that. I read six pages of the dictionary","I learned next to nothing." +"What do you call a really cool helicopter","a Hella-copter" +"What has 8 wheels and flies","A garbage truck" +"How can you tell if a bee is on the phone","You get a buzzy signal" +"Conversation with son while driving down highway [Driving down an unfamiliar part of I-95 highway with family (wife, 15yo son and 15yo daughter) when I had this conversation with my son:] Son: Dad, where are we. Me: Florida. Son: No, Dad, more specific than that. Where are we. Me : (reading exit sign) Wickham Road. Son: Where's Wickham Road. Me: (pause a bit for effect) Florida. Son: (frustrated grunt) No, Dad, what town are we in. Me: (reading exit sign again) Viera. Son: How far is that from Vero. [our destination] Me: About three letters. [Satisfactory groans throughout car","Very pleased with self" +"I’m sorry and I apologize mean the same thing. ……","except at a funeral" +"What’s the best part about ninja jokes","No one ever sees them coming" +"What's the smallest room you can find in the world","A mushroom" +"A chicken went to visit New York City to visit her brother who had just laid an egg. A New York new yolk. My 8 year old daughter just made this one up over dinner in little Italy. We're in the city visiting my wife's brother's family who had their first baby last summer","I was pretty impressed and had to share" +"What do you call a duck that gets all A's","A wise quacker" +"Ya know, What This Sub Really Needs is More Water. http://m. imgur","com/BO1guSD" +"What’s the most dangerous part of the pool for children","Depends" +"What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo","A pouch potato" +"I was driving to the airport to catch my flight when. I saw a sign that said “Airport. Left”, so","I turned around and went home." +"What gender pronouns do chocolate bars prefer","Her/She" +"Don’t read Part A backwards","It’s a trap" +"Did you hear that the Columbus Zoo got a new lion","His name is Roary" +"Why do fish gets stressed","Current events" +"What do you call a cow that just had a baby","De-Calfinated" +"Hitler invents a time machine. It's some time in the second world war and Hitlers top scientists have built a time machine. Eager to use it, but fearing an accident, the fuhrer instead sends one of his henchman forward to 1985, hoping to gain knowledge of the future to use against his enemies. Much to Hitlers chagrin however, the henchman quickly returns to the present with only a Casio Keyboard in hand. Breathless with excitement, he declares Mein Fuhrer. With this device we shall wage sonic warfare on our enemies. He hits the demo button and the room is filled with sound. So. what do you think. says the henchman. Hitler, aghast at this otherworldly device says You must be mad Schultz","There's no place in this world for a Nazi Synthesizer" +"I can see clearly now Me and my sister Lorraine were sitting in the living room watching the Polar Express on two chairs in front of the tv, when my dad comes into the room and sits down on the couch. My sister was blocking his view of the TV so she moves her chair over to let him see. Then, about a good half a minute later he starts singing","I can see clearly now Lorraine has gone" +"How do people from Java communicate","They write Javascript" +"I don't know why people hate kidney stones so much","They only want to come in pees" +"What is brown and sticky","A stick" +"What's blue and not heavy","Light blue" +"What do you call a snarky criminal going down stairs","A condescending con descending" +"Friend's dad. Instead of the Hellman's in a lake. http://i. imgur. com/kekwP1L","jpg" +"I got my wife with this joke today","It was a pretty good deal, if you ask me" +"I saw a bird flying in a storm wearing armor","I think it was a knight in gale." +"Dad shows his knowledge of Asian cuisine My girlfriend and I went to dinner with my parents tonight and one of the specials was crab wontons. My girlfriend asked the server, how much is the wonton special. But just before the server could answer, dad chimes in: The wonton special. Oh that's about 2000 pounds. I don't know what the price is though. Followed by a shit eating grin","Thanks for always being so helpful, dad" +"I just got a new job at a prison library","It has its prose and cons" +"Dr: Sir,. I'm afraid your. DNA is backwards","Me: AND?" +"What's a pirate's worst nightmare","A sunken chest with no booty" +"What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence","Udder Destruction" +"Was at the doctor while my partner was getting an evaluation before hand surgery. Doctor, to my partner about her injury: Do you have any other fingers","Me: Well, she's got nine others, but it's only the one that's bothering her" +"I don't trust toilets","They're full of shit" +"Why do all of Norway’s ships have bar codes","So they can Scandinavian" +"how many sound engineers does it take to change a lightbulb. one, two","one, two" +"Did you hear about the blind carpenter","He picked up the hammer and saw" +"The number 8 was incredibly hostile at the. Numbers. Dress. Up party","He didn’t want to benign." +"What do you call a mushroom that buys everyone drinks","A fungi to be with" +"Never play chess with an. Australian","You'll never know if your in check, mate or if your in checkmate" +"As my wife was cleaning out the closet, she suddenly shouted excitedly, Can you believe it. After 10 years and it still fits","I laughed, Babe, it's a scarf" +"Someone asked me what I thought about Sour Patch Kids","My opinion of them is bittersweet" +"I’d love my wife even if she didn’t condition her hair","I love her unconditionally" +"What’s the difference between a dad and a grill","A grill runs out of gas" +"Dadjoked my Dad (In Spanish) My dad asked me to look for some chips so I went to look for them. Me: Donde estan. - Where are they. Dad: En la alacena. - In the cupboard. I got the chips and when I got back to my dad a spark of creativity came to me. Me: No las podia encontrar, es que estaba buscando en el almuerzo y no en la cena. -I couldn't find them, seems I was looking in lunch and not in dinner. My dad smiled and ate his chips","for reference, alacena = cupboard, cena = dinner" +"How did people apologise back in the day","Through remorse-code (☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞" +"If a Tesla drifts","Would that be considered an electric slide" +"Wanna know what makes me smile","Face muscles" +"Have you seen any movies about sirloin steaks","They are rare but the one I saw was well done" +"Have you heard the one about the three holes full of water","Well, well, well" +"The waiter came to our table. He said, Can I interest either of you with a main. I said, Yes, of course","Two minutes later he came back with a lion mask on" +"I forgot to buy ketchup. But hey,","Heinz-sight is 20/20." +"Have you heard a toilet joke","They’re very crappy" +"WARNING. Do not eat aluminium","You'll sheet metal" +"What's another name for a lucky rabbit's foot","A good hare cut" +"What do you call a basketball player that always makes mistakes","LeWrong James" +"Why does Stephen King enjoy writing","It carrie's him through desperation and insomnia" +"What do you call a short psychic who just escaped prison","A small medium at large" +"Bullets are real odd","They only do their job once they’re fired" +"My dad went to get a vasectomy. My mom just told me the story. Apparently, my dad and my uncle went to get vasectomies together. They were picked up at the house by a limo","My mom, confused, asked why they ordered a limo to drive them to get their vasectomies, to which my dad responded, If I'm going to be impotent, I want to look *im-po'-tant*" +"I'm going to name my first son. Kelvin","Just so everybody knows he's an absolute unit." +"I had a happy childhood, my dad used to put me inside a tyre and roll me down a hill","They were Goodyears" +"I heard about the new Battlefront game from EA So I asked ten of my son's friends whether they want to buy a different game console to get away from EA and did a follow up a few weeks later","After calculating and comparing the results from the surveys I came to the conclusion that: Nine in ten do switch" +"Just walked by my Dads hat rack. Hmmmm http://imgur","com/0apibcA" +"When I die, I want to go out in my sleep like my Grandpa","Not screaming in terror, like his passengers" +"What did congress do when it found out multiple senators were engaging in BDSM activities","They formed a subcommittee" +"Why shouldn't you listen to chairs","Because they're usually full of sit" +"How many legs does a horse have. https://www. google. com/search. q=how+many+legs+does+a+horse+have > Six legs > All horses have two legs at the back. They also have fore legs at the front","That makes it a total of six legs" +"What's the difference between U-haul and Youtube. What's the difference between U-haul and Youtube","It's not cool if I rack up a bunch of hits with U-haul" +"What do you call a scarecrow's funeral","A strawberry" +"I used to hate facial hair","But then it grew on me" +"Dijon me: just finished the presentation dad: kk how did it go. me: it went well, it was difficult because it was only a 10 minute presentation when we are used to 20 minute long ones dad: dijon dad: should be two hours of prep for each minute or presentation me: we pulled it off quite well and prepared for a while too dad: dijon and relish me: what does that mean. dad: dijon and relish","kidding you'll ketchup" +"A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words. ’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not. ’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my…","house" +"After ascending to Heaven, what did Jesus say to God when he sat down","I’m so beside myself" +"Have you heard about David Hasselhoff","He’s changing his surname to just “Hoff” because it’s less hassel" +"How do your pets stop the show you're watching","They use paws" +"My wife just got my daughter. While putting on my daughter's shoes, my daughter says to my wife No mommy, I want daddy to put on my shoes","My wife responds, No baby, your shoes won't fit on your daddy's feet" +"What is the root of all sin","Multiples of 180" +"My Wife Didn't Get It At First So my wife went in to the local convenience store to get us slushies, I asked for a red one. Here was our conversation when she came out. Her: I got you Mountain Dew because the red wasn't ready. Me: So was it bluey. Her:","Me: *staring at her with a shit eating grin* Her: Yeah I get it" +"My daughter's boyfriend got a haircut he didn't really like","So I said, Don't worry, it'll grow on you" +"I hate cleaning glass","Windows, especially, are a real pane" +"What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo","One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter" +"I like wearing small hoodies,","They are just hard to pull off." +"What did the homeless dog say","No roof ^^^^^^I ^^^^^^disgust ^^^^^^myself" +"Girlfriend's dad while we're listening to music We're listening to music on Pandora and Mozart comes on. Her dad: Do you know what Mozart is doing now. We shrug","Her dad: Decomposing" +"What has one horn and gives milk","A milk truck" +"Hey babe. There are holes in all of your socks. Wife: Really. What the hell happened. Me: They must have been made that way. How else would you be able to get your feet into them","Wife: *eyeroll* God I'm good" +"What do you call an old white lady","Gram cracker" +"My Favorite Dad Joke There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in)","The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides" +"Why did Barty Crouch Jr stop drinking","It was making him Moody" +"I got double dad joked by my 6 yo My daughter was riding her bike while I was brisk walking next to her. After a few minutes, I told her that I was tired","She goes Hi Tired, I am two tired 😑" +"I don't like people who take drugs God","I hate airport security" +"Last night my grandpa mentioned he wanted to dye his hair. because it's completely gray now","I asked him why he would dye it, and my dad said, 'cause he's got a belly" +"A physicist sees a man about to jump off of the Empire State Building","He yells,” Don’t do it, you have too much potential”" +"If you want to be a great DJ","you'll have to start from scratch" +"My girlfriend and. I were walking around on. Halloween when we saw a dog dressed as a wizard from harry potter, without missing a beat. I leaned over and said:. I wonder if that wizard practices. Bark","Magic." +"The problem with diarrhea","It runs in my family" +"What's bigger than a tow truck","A foot truck" +"Sage driving advice from my dad","While practicing on my L's: When you're in a hurry, yellow is just a funny shade of green" +"Nan still doesn't know. Nan: I need to nip out later to grab some velcro Me: I'd buy online if I were you. Velcro is a right rip off. Nan: No, it's quite reasonably priced I think. Smiled slightly and left it at that","Two weeks on and she still has no idea" +"What kind of exercise do lazy people do","Diddley squats" +"The classroom's heater broke. It was super cold","Our tests became testicles" +"Where do unvaccinated children play","In the plague ground" +"My wife was really disappointed when she found out the reason why my nickname in college was “The Love Machine","” It’s because I sucked at tennis" +"Aunt: Aw, look at you","You've got your father's eyes Dad: Son, where's my glass eye" +"What gender is the sun","Non binary" +"A man threw a milk bottle at me today","How dairy" +"There's a vegan activist in my neighborhood; she's been replacing everyone's dairy milk with alternatives","I soya do it" +"Why was the mushroom the hit of the party","He was a fungi 🍄" +"Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath","This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis" +"Where do Jewish dogs go to pray","The Synadogue" +"I was sitting on the toilet and having a poop when the clock struck midnight","Same shit, different day" +"Mike. Tyson dadjoke Dad, you think. Mike. Tyson could ever be a good boxer again Only if he worked at an","Amazon warehouse" +"Dad is playing video games http://imgur","com/bUGrwNQ" +"I was bored so. I decided to invent a new word","It call it plagiarism" +"Did you see the movie about the cinnamon roll","It had a big twist" +"Pet peeves are the best","Other people feed them" +"I want to get a Bernese Mountain dog","I think I'll name him Sanders" +"Why did the gum cross the road","It was stuck to the chickens foot" +"Son: Dad, did you know in some countries you don’t know who your wife is until you get married","Dad: It’s like that everywhere, son" +"What do you call a frog born on February 29","Leap frog" +"Where do bad rainbows go. Prism","It's a light sentence" +"The bakery in my neighborhood was broken into last night","I’ve heard of stupid crimes, but this one really takes the cake" +"What will happen to the Supreme Court once Justice Bader Ginsburg dies","It will become Ruthless" +"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but","I’ve been tripping all day" +"How does a fetus heat his apartment","Around womb temperature" +"I like telling dad jokes","Sometimes he laughs" +"Baby gender reveal at my family reunion My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people. One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally. Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet. ” My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle. ” Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is. Then after a moment I shout, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L. ” -------------- Edit (10/22/2014): Probably won't be seen or noticed by anyone, but my baby niece was just born today","She's on the opposite side of the country, but I can't wait to meet her" +"Someone broke into my house and stole my limbo trophy","How low can you go" +"Your ears are ringing, you say","Then you better answer them" +"I've made a lot of jokes on politics lately","I've been losing friends left, right and centre" +"Someone recently told me being $30,000 dollars in credit card debt was a bad thing","If it is such a bad thing, why does my bank say outstanding balance below it" +"I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer","I told her that this isn’t working out" +"That guy from The Proclaimers said he would walk 500 miles, but I don't think he got very far","He kept running into a Dead Enda, Dead Enda, Dead Enda, deadend deadend deadend deadendada" +"What do you call a bunny that sits on your head","A Hare" +"WHY WOMEN ARE CLEVERER THAN MEN Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune once his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. I may look like just an ordinary man, he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million Pounds. Impressed, the woman obtained his business card","Three days later, she became his stepmother" +"What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter","Pumpkin π" +"I heard this joke about Oedipus and Midas","Its motherfucking gold" +"Just about to adopt a baby. Wife buys this book to prepare the child. Are imgur links not allowed. Well I'll try anyway because this is so cute and worthy of this subreddit. http://imgur","com/a/Cp6fy" +"What does an ent do when it's time for spring","It leaves" +"[Not a Joke] So this is on sale today. I say its 8/10 groan worthy. https://shirt. woot. com/offers/joke-a-cola","ref=w_cnt_gw_dly_img" +"I got hit in the head today with a Diet Coke. Don’t worry. I’m not hurt","It was a soft drink" +"Why do some people hate fishing","I’m still trying to figure it trout" +"A plane passenger asked a flight attendant, How often do planes crash","The flight attendant replied, Only once" +"A cake joke on my cake day What type of cake does a crazy person like","A fruit cake" +"Dad pulled one when a friend came over Whenever I have a friend over i like to say I found a [friends name here] to my dad So when my buddy, Adam, came over I told my dad I found an Adam to which he responded with Just one","Not even a molecule" +"My coworker used this dad joke on a little kid who was bored. It worked. Girl: I'm bored","Coworker: Since when did you become a piece of wood" +"What do yo call a psychic midget that escapes from prison","Small medium at large" +"What I love about r/dadjokes is how wholesome these posts are [https://www. google. com/search. q=metal+posts+with+holes&source=lnms&tbm=isch](https://www. google. com/search","q=metal+posts+with+holes&source=lnms&tbm=isch)" +"Big shout-out to my fingers","I can always count on them" +"found out a friend of mine would be visiting pennsylvania at the same time as me. Well, I guess that makes us penn pals","omg shutup" +"I bought a litre of Tippex once","Big mistake" +"My vacuum cleaner wasn’t working very well, so I tried to fix it","Now it sucks even more" +"What is the best regional psychedelic ska music in the states","Iowaska" +"The use of capital letters can really change the meaning of a sentence. For example: I like to eat pancakes","I like to eat capital letters" +"We were walking down the street, when a group of black metal musicians approached us. My friend turned to me and quipped, Oh oh","Here comes treble" +"My wife and I decided not to have kids","'The kids are taking it pretty hard" +"I got a sunburn (After being outside for 2 hours) Daughter: Daddy, why didn't I get a sunburn. Me: You can't, honey. Daughter: Really","Me: You can only get a daughterburn" +"An astronaut is making coffee onboard the ISS. He turns to his crewmate and says: Damn, I can't find any milk for my coffee","The crewmate replies: In space no one can, here use cream" +"My wife has come. to expect my dad jokes, but she didn't see this one coming. I have an Xterra that I affectionately call Alexis. With all the off road stuff on the Xterra, I think it needs a more butch sounding name. Like what. Liam. Liam. You can't just change her name like that. Yeah, Liam Nissan","I thought her eyes were going to fall out she rolled them so hard" +"We had gyros for lunch (We live in the American Midwest) Friend: can I get extra of the sauce. Me: tzatziki sauce. Friend: is that how you say it. Me: I don't know. It's all Greek to me","I'm a mom, but am still (overly) proud of myself" +"I think my grocery store is trying to turn me into a narcissist","Every time I go there they make me check myself out" +"On my day off he says to me. Called my parents to say hello on my day off from work. Dad answers the phone. Dad: Hello there. Me: Hi. Dad: <concerned tone> How are you feeling today. Me: <confused tone> Fine. Dad: Oh I thought you might be feeling a little off","<pause> Dad: <chuckles> hands phone to mom" +"What did the German Composer say to the Metronome","Ve haff vays of making you tok" +"How do you cut the ocean in half","With a sea-saw" +"I went to visit a friend at the hospital and found a spot in the “C” section of the parking lot","I had to climb out of the sunroof" +"The Shakespear pub In a conversation about a pub called the Shakespear, my Mum had been with her friend and apparently it's quite nice","My Dad interjects with I wonder how many people get bard from the Shakespear" +"What do you call a bear with no teeth","A gummy bear" +"I was going to tell a joke about stairs","But I guess that's more of a step-dad joke" +"What do you call someone that dresses up like a noodle","An impasta" +"My dad just dropped an awesome one on me. Me:. I'm going to go check the mail. Dad:","Check the females while your at it!" +"If the atmosphere surrounds the globe, what would be above a flat earth","The notasphere" +"Parents' take on technology Mom: sometimes the WiFi just turns off. Dad: so she has ByeFi","Me: groan" +"Coworker got me good today I was sweeping the floor and jokingly started sweeping her shoes to which she replied, What are you trying to do, sweep me off my feet","Everyone around groaned and I fell in love" +"A blind man walks into a bar","And a chair and a table" +"Why did Winnie the Pooh quit his job writing obituaries","He didn't like being the bear of bad news" +"Whenever. I see one of those police composite drawings. I’m like woah","Sketchy looking guy" +"Dad, did you get a haircut","No I got them all cut" +"Did you hear about the astronomer who lost the star naming contest","He was given a constellation prize" +"Here are two reasons why no one should drink toilet water. Number 1","Number 2" +"I saw someone wearing a viagra jacket","It was a hard look to pull off" +"Co-Worker is one of the kings of Dad Jokes. Delivered one of his best yesterday. Both my co-worker and I are artists, we tend to spend our lunches talking about painting and classes. Yesterday we got on the subject of Painting Elephant Galleries (it's a thing people",") when another co-worker appeared to get bored of our conversation and tried to change the subject; His response was to quickly follow up her tangent with Well, that's completely Irrelephant" +"I'm not sure if i'm liked or hated in my class anymore. In class:. Lady:. Okay. Tom where did you find that answer. Me:. On this graph. Lady:. And what did that look like","Me: oh its quite graph-ic" +"Doctor: It seems that your brain has deleted all information about '80s music. Me: Yikes. What's the cure","Doctor: Oh my god, it's worse than I thought" +"Vowels The wife and I were discussing how well our son was doing with learning his vowels. Me: I've heard him say A, E, and I, now he just needs to get O and U. Wife: He's also saying Y, have you heard him say that yet","Me: Sometimes" +"My friend had a stroke the other day","He’s alright now" +"Www. conjunctivitis","com That's a site for sore eyes" +"Brain Sucker I learned this from an old girlfriend's dad when he did it to her little sister. Dad: Puts his hand on top of kid's head and squeezes to imitate a rhythmic suction. Then he says You know what this is. Kid: No what. Dad: It's a brain sucker, you know what it's doing. Kid: Sucking my brain. Dad: Nope. It's starving","This one gets me every time" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school","It's okay he woke up" +"My friend always gets me with this one Me: We catching the bus then","Him: Nah, I forgot to bring a net big enough" +"I knew you'd say that (xpost from r/TalesFromRetail) Posted this on r/Talesfromretail and it was suggested I post here. I used to work in store where we would ask customers if they had an account number at the check out. The number would be put in manually before putting the shopping through and the customer would get back one penny on every pound they spent. One day a family who I hadn't seen before came in and while the mum and kids wandered off to start shopping. The dad came over to the side of my till while I was serving customers, announced his account number and then ran off to join his family without saying anything else. OK, that was weird, I went on serving. About 10 minutes later the family are queued for my till. When it comes to the point where I should ask for their number the dad grins at me and I realise what's going on. Fortunately, I have a bizarrely good memory for numbers and, without skipping a beat, I reel off the one he gave me when he came in the store. The kids both gasp and their eyes go wide. They look at their dad in awe. As I'm putting through the shopping, I hear the dad say: >See","I told you they were psychic" +"I went to the coin factory the other day It was nice","Everything there made cents" +"What is a Filipino person's favorite girl scout cookie","Tagalong" +"Turns out my wife is a dad. This morning as we were preparing for the day she turned to me and said, I'm the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything","As I looked at her somewhat shocked at this rare display of ego it dawned on me that today is her 42nd birthday and I fell in love all over again" +"What kind of driver never gets a ticket. A screwdriver","Edit: I have tonsillitis and have been living off popsicles with jokes on the sticks" +"I don't always tell dad jokes","But when I do, he laughs" +"The Man With 5 Penises Did you hear about the man with 5 penises","His underwear fits like a glove" +"What do you call a cow in a field having alone time","Beef Stroganoff" +"My professor got us in class today Professor: Do you know what kind of acid ants make Class:","Professor: Antacid" +"I want you all to meet my dog, Puter","Computer, good boy" +"What do you do when you see two snails boxing","Nothing, you gotta let ‘em slug it out" +"What did the tie say to the hat","You go on ahead, and I'll hang around here" +"The lord told John to come forth and he shall have eternal life","But he came in fifth and got a toaster" +"I saw Tutankhamen yesterday and said “Hey, your hair looks wet”","He was in denial" +"Why does Waldo from the Where’s Waldo books wear stripes","Cause he doesn’t wanna be spotted" +"I was surprised at how easy fishing is","When I learnt how easy it is to get the hook back I was reeling" +"What did the electrician say when he found out the plug was broken","I must conduct an investigation" +"Why was the scarecrow so good at his job","He’s out standing in his field" +"How do you know if it's a dad joke","The humor is a parent" +"How do cows govern themselves","They form a COW-ncil" +"This guy was making big money before he was arrested","About an 1/8 inch too big, which was kind of how they caught him." +"The future, the present and the past walked into a bar,","Things got a little tense." +"5 little monkeys jumping on the bed One fell off and hit gis head. Mama called the doctor And the doctor said","Dammit Jim I'm a Doctor not a zoologist" +"I went to Chinatown today, but there were too many bright lights","So I asked them to dim sum" +"A huge hole appeared outside over night","The police are looking into it" +"If they named schools after their most famous alums. Actual conversation with my wife this afternoon. Me: If they named schools after their most famous alum, then I would have gone to Duane, 'The Rock' Johnson High. Wife: I suppose so. Me: Home Economics enrollment would go through the roof. Wife: *confused* Why. Me: So they could smell what The Rock is cooking. Wife: Oh God, you are SUCH a Dad","Edit: I apparently can't apostrophe" +"Why do bananas need sunscreen","Because they peel" +"What do you get from a cheese bank","A provaloan" +"What's the difference between a dirty old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants","One is a crusty bus station the other one is a busty crustacean" +"Dadjoked my dental hygienist this morning I saw my new dentist for the first time this morning, and the hygienist was going over my insurance with me. We were talking about full mouth x-rays - I wasn't sure when my last one was and she wasn't sure if it was covered. Hygienist: The doctor recommends doing it anyway, and if your insurance doesn't cover it, he'll eat the cost","Me: I just hope he remembers to floss afterward" +"What do you do with a dead scientist","You barium" +"A man went to trial for hiding in a perfume bottle","He was found in-a-scent" +"My first official dadjoke My first son was born late on Sunday night. My parents came to visit my family in the hospital today and my dad was telling me how they thought they had parked next to my car before they saw the parking spot was marked Clergy Only","I told him I could park there because I was a Father now" +"Fatherly Advice The son of the house came downstairs to ask his father for some helpful tips before prom. After carefully going through every scenario and covering all bases the son looks down and says: Actually, there is one last thing. He goes on to explain how scared he is of experiencing a raging boner as he picks up his date, or even later when they are dancing. \-That's easy to solve said the father, just take some MacGyver-tape and attach junior to your thigh. Later the son came home with his girlfriend. The father looked horrified and said: What happened to her eye. She looks like she's been punched in the face. The son pulled his dad aside and whispered: Remember the tip you gave me. Well, it didn't work out so good. When I saw her in her new dress I kicked her in the face","&#x200B;" +"Why is it called a library","Because if you were really supposed to believe everything you read, it would be called a truthbrary" +"Two silk worms were in a race","It ended in a tie" +"On the beach, you can get wood","If you catch my drift" +"A elderly woman calls Microsoft support. Operator: Microsoft support how can I help you. Woman: My computer told me to update my windows. I did, but it still tells me to update my windows. Operator: What version of Windows did you upgrade to. Woman: Three pane","The salesman said they are the newest" +"While my step-dad was preparing dinner I ask him from the living room How far away is dinner","Ahhh about 8 or 9 meters" +"I read a couple of interesting articles yesterday","‘A’ and “The”" +"I told someone I was donating to the world health organization for COVID awareness. They replied You're donating to **WHO","**" +"First Dad Joke. - I got my 92 year old Grandmother at the nursing home with this one. My wife and I brought our new daughter to meet my grandmother who lives in a nursing home in another state. This nursing home has a cat and two dogs that also reside there. I only saw one of the dogs, but my grandmother told me that the other one has no tail. I asked why not. she said It's mother bit the tail off. - I said What a bitch. It took a moment, then she said. She IS a bitch","- We both laughed" +"The police are looking for someone who keeps releasing all the dogs from the kennel. They don't have any leads","" +"Wife: *All* 4 cats are looking out the window. Me: Are they checking the weather. Wife: What. Why. Me: Are they the weather fourcats. Wife: YOU NEED TO STOP READING /r/dadjokes","(Note: we don't even have kids)" +"Told my daughter about the time I was sick on Halloween She has pneumonia and was not able to go trick or treating this year. I told her how was sick on Halloween once but I got into my mummy costume and went trick or treating anyway, vomited after going to one house and then went back home. Daughter: Wow Dad, you were dead-icated. I am so proud of her","She is 6" +"Discussing dog training Sister: We really need to send the dog to puppy school Me: To what, earn his dogtorate","Hehe" +"It's Snowing Outside A salt laying truck drives by our house. Dad- Wheres the pepper truck. Proceeds to get up from couch. Dad- I have napped. Now I am Super Dad","Proceeds to leave the room" +"I've submitted 10 posts to /r/DadJokes","I thought some would make it to the top but no pun in ten did" +"Static Electricity Wife: I've been shocking things all day, every time I touch something I get a shock","Me: I don't know why it's shocking, you should expect it by now" +"I don't get why people say pulling out is ineffective","I found articles saying it was actually a very popular misconception" +"My doctor told me. I was deaf. It was the last thing","I needed to hear" +"I have to park in the alley behind my house. Now. I have to park my","Subaru outback" +"My school abolished exams and some people were upset","They were protesting" +"What do you call a pedophile pirate","Arr Kelly" +"Every. Single. Halloween. Every Halloween when someone asks my dad (a white dude) what he's going to dress up as, he responds with the following: A match. A match. How do you dress up as a match","I just take all my clothes off and my face turns red instantly" +"My younger sister told my father she's a vegetarian now, and his response was. Hey, that's alright with me. No harm, no fowl. Right. He then look around the table with this face of pure enjoyment and the proceeded to say: Get it. Like, fowl. F-o-w-l","He then laughed at his own joke for the next two mins while we all internally laughed with him but externally judged him" +"I forgot to mention to my dad that my friend Nick had picked me up from the house. http://i. imgur. com/4KHew8z","png" +"What's a pilot's favorite tie","A boeing" +"Sometimes I wonder, why is that frisbee getting bigger","And then it hits me" +"What did the vinaigrette say to the refrigerator","Shut the door, I'm dressing" +"This is a late post, about a month but I'm proud regardless. It was Valentine's day and some buddies and I went out to grab lunch at a pizza joint called Mellow Mushroom","Appreciative of the waitress working on this day I left her two gems on the receipt to make up for it: Morgan, you had me at mellow, and I have mushroom in my heart for you" +"Tea and crumpets I told my dad i was moving to Europe so that i could drink tea and crumpets with the brits","He said you cant drink crumpets son" +"What's large, grey, and doesn't matter","An irrelephant 🐘" +"I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, I know something about this cemetery that you don’t. ” And I was like what is it. He continued, The people living in this town can’t be buried here. ” I was really confused so I asked why","He rasped, Cuz they’re still alive" +"An elderly couple from Russia. Are walking in St. Petersburg Square one cold evening, when a light precipitation begins to fall. It looks like rain , said the man. Oh no dear, it's definitely snow. Look at the way it blows in the light , said the woman. The man turns to his wife and says, Let's ask the military officer over there. Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing. Definitely rain, sir","See, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear" +"Pheromones are proof of the power of positive stinking","Anti shower thought" +"Police have reported a man going into local craft stores and dipping his testicles in glitter","It's pretty nuts" +"It's 6:05 right now","I couldve sworn it was 6:04 like a minute ago" +"I'm working on a puberty joke","But it's not fully-developed yet." +"Dad joked my own dad with this one. I was downloading a few things on the XBox one day, and my dad started mildly complaining about how I was slowing down his internet connection. Generally I'm not funny enough to come up with on the spot jokes, but First come, first server. is the exception to that. Bonus: I was talking about dreams with my parents one morning and I mentioned that I had recently had a dream where dad died","Dad instantly deadpanned with One day, all your dreams will come true" +"What is longer than rope","No, it isn't" +"Daughter didn't appreciate my Dr. Who joke My 14 year old daughter hangs drawings on her wall that her friends have drawn for her. I noticed a new one that looked like a building with a light on it. I asked her who drew the building. She said my friend Eilene did and its supposed to be a Tardis. I quickly replied it looks like a retardis to me. She rolled her eyes and grinned","I laughed for 5 minutes after leaving her room" +"You guys want to hear a joke about ghosts","That’s the spirit" +"Why would you work as a volunteer","It just doesn't make any cents" +"He says it every time one of us gets it prescribed. Doctor: I'm prescribing a probiotic","Dad: sounds expensive, can we get the amateur biotic" +"What does a mathematician do when he is constipated","He works it out with a pencil" +"Hospital Humor In the hospital after my second child is born and the dad jokes are happening. Each new nurse that walks in always asks my wife, Will you rate your pain. This is where I jump in and say 5/5, would hurt again","I need to go home" +"My mom was telling me about one of her co-workers. This particular co-worker claims that he goes to the gym all the time, however he never looks any skinnier or fitter, according to my mom. Without missing a beat, I offered my opinion on the matter: It sounds like his routine is","not working out" +"My son asks “dad are these cow gay","” No , these are bison" +"Reading about some college football prospects With my girlfriend next to me, I was going over a 2016 NFL college prospects. Oregon has a defensive lineman named DeForest Buckner. Girlfriend: Is he any good. Me: Some scouts think he leaves a lot to be desired with his technique, but I think they're just missing DeForest for DeTrees","It was wasted on her" +"My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo","So I had to put my foot down" +"A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2. In the Bahamas, it is $2","These are the pie rates of the Caribbean" +"What do you call Irish backyard chairs","Patty O’Furniture" +"Self checkout enquiery Dad walks up to the Lowe's cashier attending to the self-checkout machines: Excuse me, where's the mirror. Cashier goes, Uh, clearly flummoxed","Dad, I just wanted to check myself out" +"A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender how much. The bartender replies For you","No charge" +"Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella","Fo Drizzle" +"What does IDK mean","I keep asking people, but they don't know either" +"I was explaining to my son how a baton is used in relay races, and he understood right away","I gotta hand it to him" +"Why is the Communist Manifesto written in all lowercase","Because Marx didn’t like capitalism" +"A good dad bottle feeding his son. http://i. imgur. com/jkSZ5eV","jpg" +"Call me Ishmael. Seriously, call me. It's been months","I still don't know what I did" +"Her: Are you a dog person. Me: No","I’m human" +"Where did Napoleon hide his armies","Up his sleevies" +"What would happen to the koolaid man if he got too much water in him","His personality would be watered down my wife dropped that on me just a few moments ago" +"What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed","Oh sheet" +"Why did the Japanese brewer take fermented rice to church","For Christ's saké" +"What’s a scientist’s favorite dog","The Lab" +"So, my dad sent me a video text this morning. Him: Do you know what is orange and sounds like a parrot. Me: I don't know He sends another video back and says: A carrot","*takes bite out of carrot*" +"Do you know who John Doe is","He's a deer friend" +"When. I was at the pool yesterday,. I began peeing in the deep end. The lifeguard blew his whistle so hard","I almost fell in" +"Honey Story I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like your dog can ride in my pickup any time, and she responded. We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about each other. Her dog's name was Daisy. My truck's name was Dodge Ram (I apologized for my lack of creativity). She was a CPA. I was a beekeeper. And at this, she stumbled. If we ever meet in real-life, I want you to know that I could never date a beekeeper. But we were still far away from that point, so it was moot. But time went on, and we gradually became closer to that point. More personal information. What firm she worked for. Where my farm was. Names of relatives. Names of high schools. All the things that just come up in conversation eventually if you talk to someone long enough. But, oddly, after all this time, neither of us had thought to send any pictures. Until one day I got a message from her: I never thought I'd say this, but I really do want to meet you in person. I think we have a rare connection, and I don't want to squander it. I want to send you my picture, and I want you to send me yours, but I'm telling you, I can never date a beekeeper. I couldn't imagine a life without my bees. But I also couldn't imagine a life without her. Tentatively, reluctantly, I clicked on the image attached to her message. Then I saw her face","Now I'm a bee leaver" +"What do you call a mean German person","A Deutschbag" +"I have a question about when they deliver my baby","What do they do with the liver" +"Did you hear about the soldier that was pepper sprayed","He's now a seasoned veteran" +"I needed a password eight characters long","so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" +"My wife dated a professional clown before she met me","I had some big shoes to fill" +"You should've seen my wife after. I swapped the bed for a trampoline","She hit the roof" +"Was walking in the theater with my dad and he hit me with this one. Me: Hey we should see the new Pirates movie. My dad: I've heard they have had a lot of trouble with people pirating that movie","Me: *rolls eyes*" +"If I could be half the man my father is","I would be a pair of legs" +"I don’t always tell dad jokes, but when I do It’s a repost","Every other post on this sub is a repost" +"What did the Buffalo say to his son on his first day of school","Bison" +"I saw an article about people snorting chocolate powder for a rush","They wanted a Quik high" +"It takes 4000 hours to become a master of cheese","I reckon after 2000 you become cheese bored." +"Did you just eat my phone","Well at least it's an apple" +"Finally got my sister. As I grow older, I get funnier. I was talking to my sister on the phone asking her how my nephew was and how she has been recently, etc. Then she says, So some guy called me yesterday. I interrupted her and asked, But I thought your name was Brittany","Followed by brief silence and the groan that signifies victory" +"What do you give the man who made the door knocker","The Nobell prize" +"What did one ocean say to the other. Nothing","They just waved" +"Dad, why do you keep over cooking the food","I am burning calories" +"Grandad Dad, i have something to tell you, my girlfriend is pregnant *sigh* Son, I'm not mad, I'm disappointed Hi disappointed, I'm dad Did you just. Yeah","You're ready" +"Got my GF while I was moving a couch. Me and a buddy are moving a couch into our smaller bedroom, then I smashed my arm into the door frame. Me: Damn, I just smacked my arm into the door. GF: That's what happens when you are moving a couch. Me: Well, it's a wrist i'm willing to take. Her eyes rolled so hard that I could hear them from the other room","I keep telling her that I'm a dad and this is what to expect out of me" +"When you die, which body part is the last to die. Pupils","They dilate" +"I bought my dad a pair of socks depicting the Norse god from The Avengers","He refuses to wear them in case they give him Thor feet" +"To the bullied people out there You are YOU, and nobody on this planet can change that other than yourself. So don’t let people get to you","(I say this because I get slightly bullied and also I’m sensitive to what people think of me, but after telling myself this I no longer feel the need to stress about people’s thoughts about me)" +"My blind friend is trying to teach me Braille Says it's easy and tried showing me the characters for the word reluctant","But I still feel hesitant" +"I found a large collection of dad jokes and I copied the best ones. The first 10 are great but the last one is fucking gold","01) great 02) great 03) great 04) great 05) great 06) great 07) great 08) great 09) great 10) great 11) fucking gold" +"An electrician isn't a dead end job","It actually has a lot of **POTENTIAL" +"What do you call a pile of cats","A meowntain" +"Why is the ocean always blue","Because the shore never waves back" +"I wanted to marry my. English teacher when she came out if jail","However, you can't end a sentence with a proposition" +"My son says to me “What rhymes with orange”","No it doesn’t." +"The. Dalai. Lama went into a sandwich shop","He asked the cashier, Make me one with everything." +"Did you hear about the pirate dating simulator that was released on Steam","It's rated ARRRRR" +"Dajoked pretty girl at work I work at a university ID card center where we take photos. Girl: ugh god my please tell me my hair doesn't look like shit","Me: No worries, shit looks NOTHING like hair" +"A newborn pony walks into a pharmacy He asks the pharmacist, Do you have any cepacol lozenges","I'm a little hoarse" +"Not many people know this, but there is a difference between illegal and unlawful","Unlawful means something is against the law, while illegal is a sick bird" +"What did the big flower say to the littler flower","Hi, bud" +"I was gonna tell joke about fencing","but then it would be a riposte" +"You should adopt. [http://imgur. com/IVTMN0z] (http://imgur","com/IVTMN0z)" +"Why do hospitals have emergency generators","It seems to me they have enough emergencies there to begin with" +"A stranger dad joked me today. I bought a new ironing board today and was walking back to my car with it under my arm. This guy approached me from behind on my right and said hey this guy's an Ironman. I was confused for a second, he then said hey I am an Ironman too. , pulling out a big ass Ironman dress up toy set thingo he just bought for his son. It was too perfect. His wife and his son just groaned while I lost it","" +"What do you call a waffle on a California beach","A Sandy Eggo" +"I feel like a seal is just a neutral sea lion. You know, neutral","Without an Ion" +"Don’t let your grandparents have daughters","That’s how you get aunts" +"Recently found out I was colour blind. All this time, I had no idea","It came right out of the purple" +"Co-Worker Hit Me With This One (I gave a couple people a ride home after work and we stopped at walmart. ) Me: I looked around in the electronics department and found a new mouse pad. Co-Worker: Oh yeah. Me: Yeah, I opted to go with the larger one","Co-Worker: So its a rat pad" +"The other day I bought a blank thesaurus","I had no words to express my disappointment" +"Got my family pretty good, my dad even cried a little I didn't make the joke in english but it translates well. We just had lunch and my mom was clearing out the table and putting stuff in the dishwasher while my brothers and my dad were talking about the party we were going to that afternoon. My mom and dad would go there by bike and my brothers and I would take the car. Then my mom said: should I turn on the dishwasher so everything will be clean when we'll return","On which I commented: That's not fair, we go by car, and you by bike, while the dishwasher has to run" +"Some alligators can grow up to 15 feet","Most only have 4 though" +"A shark tells his friends hes gone vegan They all look at him in shock","Don't worry I was only being sharkastic" +"At breakfast, my wife: Honey, you forgot the French toast. Me: Oops. Sorry","VIVE LA FRANCE" +"My wife was spending a long time deciding which salsa to buy","I told her to pick up the Pace" +"I connot belive that bacteria would just come in my body without my permision","It makes me sick" +"Dad, my graphics card driver is crashing and i can't play video games","Tell him to keep his eyes on the road" +"Oh God. My mother-in-law said, God loved Saturn so much he put a ring on it","And i immediately replied, Then he must really love Uranus" +"I used to be a scuba instructor but I had to quit","I was under way too much pressure at work" +"I was surrounded by pigeons in the park that wanted to over throw my sandwich","So they attempted a coo" +"Look at this","This" +"If beavers could form a country","It'll be a damnation" +"Today,. I found out that milk is the fastest liquid","It's pasteurized before you even see it." +"How do you know how heavy a red hot chili pepper is","Give it a weigh, give a weigh, give it a weigh now" +"God dammit Dad. Every time we drove past a cemetery. How many dead people do you think are in there","All of them" +"Me: Honey, I'm terrified of vowels. Wife: Ummm, why","Me: Only sometimes" +"What has 10 letters and starts with gas","An automobile" +"I hate it when people ask me what I'm planning to do next year","How would I know, I don't have 2020 vision" +"I applied to be a door man but didn't get the job due to lack of experience","Which surprised me, I thought it was an entry level position" +"I quit my job as a personal trainer because. I wasn’t strong enough","Just submitted by too-weak notice" +"this one was so annoying I don't even want to post it. my dad telling me about a new guy at work. my dad: so at the meeting today the new guy mentions he had a dream about work my dad says to him. looks like you found your dream job I'm sorry people as much as it pains me to think about this horrible, HORRIBLE joke and write it out I just had to torture you guys with it","again I'm so so sorry" +"When I was young I asked my dad why cops don't just use race cars to catch people because they are so fast","His response was, Because they only make left turns" +"How do you describe a ghost","someone but no body" +"What's the worst part about getting electrocuted","It hertz" +"I once mixed. Chutney and. Pickle. It made me","Chuckle" +"I can time travel","For instance, it takes about 3 hours to fly to NYC to Miami" +"If you think about it, we all put fake excrement in our hair","Sham-poo" +"If you think 2020 has been bad,","Remember 2021 will be odd." +"Never seizes to amaze. Even over texts Me: You sure I have to go tomorrow. Dad: Yes. The family is expecting you. Just talk to David and he can help you out","Me: Roger That Dad: No his name is David" +"My mom's sister works in a bakery and is always in a bad mood","She's my cross aunt" +"My friend is a dad in the making I told him we were having tacos for dinner, so he says he will also have tacos for dinner so that we could have a taco fight","Then he said We'll be the taco the town" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When the punchline becomes a parent" +"Got this for my dad's birthday. My only fear is that it's going to take up too much space in his pocket because I know he is going to show every person he meets. [nothing is written in stone](http://i. imgur. com/AnfUi3Z","jpg)" +"Electrifyingly goog dadjoke to the wife. This morning as my wife and I sat down to eat breakfast, I got two big static shocks on my hands. So I said to her, did you hear that babe. Even the chair agrees with me by saying that I have an electrifying personality. She groaned saying: It's too early in the morning for your jokes","I guess I better ground myself, and tell my jokes at better times, or else I might encounter some resistance to them" +"With great reflexes","Comes great response ability" +"Dad teaching me culinary skills. Let me show you how to make an egg roll, son","*Picks an egg* Take an egg, put it on the table, and just push it" +"Why does loneliness suck so much","Asking for a friend" +"When it comes to eyeball jokes","The cornea the better" +"What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth","A slow swimmer" +"I don't have a single friend, my son said, in tears. Wrong. All your friends are single. You're three. Wife laughed","Three year old continued to cry" +"My 7 year old son said this as we were driving home on a road trip I pointed out that there were geese and wanted the kids to see them fly and my girlfriend said it was strange that they were going east. Here's where my son chimed in. He said You mean that they are going Geeast","My girlfriend broke out in laughter and repeated it to me as I was driving and didn't catch it all" +"Why do people learn sign language","It often comes in handy" +"All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh","But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme" +"Dogs cant operate an MRI scanner","but cats can" +"This happened a couple of hours ago. I was upstairs talking to my dad when my little sister came in. My dad had promised that we could have Coke Floats today. (For the uninitiated, a Coke Float is when you get a few scoops of vanilla ice cream, put it in a glass, and pour Coca Cola on it. ) So my little sister remembers about the Coke Float thing and starts jumping up and down going, Coke Floats. Coke Floats. Coke Floats. My dad just stands there with this really confused look on his face and quietly says,","I thought Coke sank" +"How do billboards talk","Sign language" +"I watched a documentary about beavers last night. It was the best dam program","I’ve ever seen" +"Therapist: Your wife has complained that you never buy her flowers, what do you say to that","To be honest I had no idea my wife sold flowers" +"In space, two aliens are talking to each other. The first alien says, The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons. The second alien asks, Are they an emerging intelligence","The first alien says, I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves" +"Welcome to plastic surgery addiction anonymous. I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and. I have to say","I'm disappointed." +"Why was the Argentine man shaky","Due to his-panic attacks" +"What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants","One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean" +"Where does batman go to the bathroom","The batroom" +"Dad-joked my brother So I went snow tubing with my brother a a week ago. It was raining and my brother was saying how it would be annoying that the tubes would be wet. Yeah, that would be. tube-ad","I then laughed silently to myself for the next 5 minutes" +"My girlfriend left me because of my gambling addiction. She claimed I was an idiot","She's no better" +"What is the best course to take in college","The intern course" +"Husband: I remember my first blind date. Husband: She kept hitting her head on the roof of my car. Me: What. Husband: Yeah, she couldn't see where she was going","Me: -_-" +"Why do bakers always keep extra bread dough","It’s something they always knead" +"2nd date with a beautiful woman We were at her place and watched a movie - I know, really romantic, right. She had a kitten who was climbing all over me, sitting in my lap, shedding all over me, pretty much the whole night. At the end of the date before I turned to leave, I said You know, I was hoping I'd get a little pussy tonight","Little did I know that dad joke was the start - she's now my wife and mother to two wonderful children" +"Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on their ships","So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian" +"To everyone who wished a Happy Father’s Day to “the best dad in the world","” I’m very flattered, but make sure you wish your own dad a happy Father’s Day too" +"Why can't eggs be interrogated","They break too easily" +"My dad was in prison a few times. Can I post this here","I was educated at Penn State, I'm sorry I meant State Pen" +"Why did the turkey cross the road","To get to the coup" +"Arkansas is cold. We're on a road trip to visit my grandparents, from Texas to Tennesse (10 hours). We stopped in Little Rock for Chickfila. When we get out of the car, it's pretty cold. Dad says, They should call it Antarkansas . Oh, Dad",":|" +"Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank","Because they washup on shore" +"What's my one-legged sister called","Eileen" +"There are 10 types of people in the world","Those who understand binary, and those who don’t." +"It looks like USA","Just played, the trump card" +"An old dad joke I remember as a kid A Mexican Magician was about to do his final trick. He told the crowd, For my final trick, I will make myself disappear on the count of 3. he began counting in Spanish. Uno. Dos. **POOF","** He left without a tres" +"2 pretzels were walking down the street thru a dark alley","One was a salted" +"Why do ducks make great detectives","They always quack the case" +"What happened to the frogs car","It was toad" +"I saw a sign while driving that said Watch for Children","Sounds like a fair trade" +"My car was wrecked by a sheep the other day","In hindsight, the sheep probably shouldn't have been driving in the first place" +"Why do chess players have so many kids","They are always mating" +"I asked my son, Hey, what do you call a rubber loop that you put rocks and bread into","He shrugged and said he had no idea, so I answered… A rock and roll band" +"I'm not in soccer because I'm good at it","I'm just doing it for kicks" +"They say race jokes are inappropriate in 2016","Did I ever tell you about the one between a tortoise and a hare" +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon","Great food, no atmosphere" +"I read about about anti gravity","I just can't seem to put it down" +"It would be great if i had a joke about birds and mahogany,","Wooden tit" +"The cashier said the total was $16. 01 I said Good year. He replied asking Really","I told him Well, out of all the years during the 1600s, that was the 1" +"I’ve started a new job as an executioner","It was difficult at first, but I think I’m starting to get the hang of it" +"Not an hour into Pi Day, when. Dad: Did you take a pie into work today. Me: No, I didn't think it was worth it","Dad: Well, you certainly can be irrational" +"What's the difference between priests and NASA","Nasa haven't penetrated Uranus yet" +"We're waiting for kids, but my husband seems ready. We saw a city bus pulled over by a cop on our way to work. Husband proceeded to say, Uh oh","Looks like somebody got bus-ted" +"Chemistry joke","Well i was going to say a joke about chemistry, but im not sure about the reaction" +"Excuse me, I'd like to check these books out. The librarian replied, Sorry, that's actually against the rules","You see, checking them out only makes them shelf conscious" +"Not really a 'joke' per se, but my dad's take on 'Let It Snow', from Southern California So my dad sent this to everyone in his office. I groaned a couple of times and thought it'd fit in well here","Oh, the weather outside is crazy Like a film from Martin Scorsese The rain will fall and the wind will blow El niño, el niño, el niño It doesn’t show signs of stopping My shirt and pants are sopping Oh, where did that umbrella go El niño, el niño, el niño Weather patterns don’t seem right Southern Cal is all a storm The marine layer and all of its might All because the Pacific is warm The fear of fire is now subsiding our thoughts turn to mudsliding Down the hillside our houses flow El niño, el niño, el niño" +"My last name is Miner. Every time I'm out to eat with my dad and ask for a beer, my dad says: He's still a Miner","Ugh" +"You should take care of your toilet","It has to deal with all of your shit" +"Don’t trust big changes in the weather","It’s just a front" +"Two antennas met on a roof, they fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn't much","But the reception was incredible" +"Hey kids, it's Jamaican hairstyle day at work tomorrow","I'm dreading it…" +"What do you call the dad of the Children of the Corn","pop corn" +"The. First. French. Fries. Weren’t. Cooked. In","France they were cooked in grease" +"[Spoiler] tag >. you're it","<" +"What unit of measurement is used on snakes","Inches, they don’t have feet" +"I decided to get a mustang","It was all I could a-FORD" +"If you chuck money into a bush","it's called a hedge fund" +"What musical instrument is found in the bathroom","A tuba toothpaste" +"I got the words “jacuzzi” and “Yakuza” confused. Now. I’m in hot water with the","Japanese mafia" +"I met someone with 12 nipples","Sounds funny Dozen tit" +"I live in a really horrible nasty village in between. D. Vil and. F. Vil. It's. E","Vil" +"I'm selling my piano","* *There are strings attached" +"What do people in New Mexico eat on thanksgiving","an Albuturquey" +"A photon walks up to the airline counter and the lady says, You have any bags to check. The photon says, No","I'm traveling light" +"A dad joke my dad pulled at a gas station. When I was a kid we used to get snacks at the gas station every day. Me and my brother were very indecisive and once my brother told my dad to get him the menu. My dad came back outside with a peice of paper signed by the cashier with the words the menu","My brother was thrilled" +"I ordered a giant duck at a fancy restaurant last night","The bill was huge" +"Today, I tried to grab the fog","I mist" +"Saw this on r/funny and thought it belonged here: Operator: 911 What's your emergency. Operator: 911 What's your emergency. Responder: My wife is going into labor, I don't know what to do. Operator: Is this her first born","Responder: No this is her husband" +"I was helping my dad (contractor) put in windows on a new home. He asked me to keep the window upright on the ground so he could measure it","He slid the window open, crawled through it and said, You don't understand the 'pane' I'm going through" +"Hey. Driving with my family to visit in-laws, we're passing a very large field with bales of hay. At this point, it's completely quiet in the car. Me: ::points out window:: Hey. Them: ::all look out the window:: What. Me: No, see","hay" +"Did you heard about the guy that lost his left arm","He's alright now" +"Did you hear about the man that collapsed in the airport","Ended up being terminal" +"What chord God likes the most","G sus" +"Two people went on a hike and came across some tracks","One argued they were foxes and the other said they were a deers They were still arguing when the train hit them tho 🚞" +"There’s no way cow manure works as fertilizer","That’s just bullshit man" +"Dadjoked by girlfriend just now http://imgur","com/2ohj21k" +"Why were the dark ages called the dark ages","There were too many knights" +"We were heading to a pub quiz which started at 8. What's the time, Dad. *Dad looks at his digital watch:* It's 19:54","So we've got a good 60 years before we need to be at the quiz" +"Got my daughter Out to dinner as a family and when the to go boxes arrive, my youngest says Dadda, box my food","I punched her chicken nuggets 6 times before the look of confusion gave way to gut busting laughter" +"How much does a fawn cost","One buck and a little Doe :-D" +"Poop jokes aren’t my favorite","but they are a solid number two" +"Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag sir","Customer: Nah that’s okay you can just leave it in the jug" +"What's 4 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women crazy","An empty toilet paper roll" +"How did they recover the frozen philosopher from the ice","The process was simple; it was well thought out" +"Does anyone know how much corn is worth","There's a chance Iowa farmer a lot of money" +"Want to see something intense","You should go camping" +"I told my dad I'd give him money for gas after I donated plasma. He replied No","I won't take your blood-money" +"How many lips does a flower have","Tulips" +"Smokey told me not to buy flowers at a monastery","Because only you can prevent florist friars." +"I deliver bread for a bakery We haven't been getting the sub rolls we've ordered the last few days and we were all talking about it when I said They must be underwater in the sub department","I didn't think anyone was paying attention but one of my coworkers giggled for a few minutes and another groaned and told him not to encourage me" +"What word in the dictionary is spelled incorrectly","Incorrectly" +"I ordered 1000 kilos of Chinese soup","It was won ton" +"Saw Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. Had fantastic seats. We were assigned them","" +"My girlfriend doesn't have a gluten intolerance. She just got bloodwork done a few days ago and just sent me a text that said, Great news, I do not have a gluten intolerance","I responded, I can toast to that" +"Why can't you tickle a sailor","Because they're nautical\-ish" +"What's a chemist's favorite 80s teen comedy film","Ferrous Bueller" +"I went to an eyes glass convention","It was quite a spectacle" +"Alpha, Delta, and Omicron walk into a bar and order a few Coronas. That'll be $20","21 , the bartender says" +"I think the company I work for wants to start practicing polygamy. CEO: We need more employees to be engaged","I already have one wife I don't want anymore" +"We keep telling grandad to change his hearing aid","He never listens though." +"I thought my veterinarian studied canine ancestry. I was wrong","The AKC deems that a different sort of pet-degree" +"The conversation my parents just had Dad just woke up from a nap and was meant to pick my little brother up from his school dance. Mom: Don't worry, I'll go get [brother]. Dad: No, I can still do it. Mom: You only just woke up, you still look exhausted. I mean, just look at you","Dad: I can't" +"Three year old got me again. Came home from work, squatted down, held out my arms and asked my son where my hug was","Without missing a beat he looks over his shoulder and says, I don't see it anywhere" +"You're a chimney cleaner and you prefer to work without clothes","Soot yourself then" +"My dog swallowed a watch. So I’m keeping myself busy by giving him laxatives and prune juice every hour","Anything to pass the time" +"While discussing how impossible it is to discipline a cat You know, I won the grand prize in a kitten spanking contest when I was younger","(surrounded by wait for it faces) It was a cat-ass-trophy" +"The price of juice has come down","Does that make it rejuiced?" +"Someone here is possessed by an owl Who","That's the thing we-" +"My dad once told me a joke about stairs","It's was a stepdad joke" +"Terrorists have been planting bombs in Alphabetti Spaghetti","Experts say that if detonated, it could spell disaster" +"I just discovered r/dadjokes today I've been browsing it all day and annoying my family by reading every post out to them. After enough torture the app stopped working. I told them Aww the app crashed","I guess it wasn't a very good driver" +"I was in the garden last night and to my surprise there was this huge UFO, just hovering","So, I rushed indoors to get the worst camera I could find, to film it with" +"Oldie but a goody. What comes after Sunday","Moonday" +"Had to share one that cracked me up My wife and I were laying in bed one night and heard our dog snoring. My wife mentions that maybe our dog has doggie sleep apnea. I replied, Well maybe we should get her a C-Pup","Wife: uggghhhh" +"I just completed my first marathon in the Middle East","Iran to Iraq" +"Why are all LGBTQ parades held in the late summer","Because Pride comes before the Fall" +"I use viagra for sunburn","It doesn't heal it but it does keep the sheets of my legs" +"My wife took my son to the doctor today to get his vaccinations","She text me, “he got three shots” So I text back, “isn’t he a little young to be drinking" +"What's the opposite of a microwave","A Tsunami" +"I'm going bananas","Is what I tell my bananas before I leave the house" +"Someone once asked me where was Timbuktu","I answered between Timbukone and Timbukthree" +"When my Dad drops a pea off of his plate","He says, Oh dear I've pee'd on the table" +"What is it called when you cut wood with a tool covered in sriracha","Hot saws" +"My rabbit just died but it's ok","It's just some bunny that i used to know" +"When. I was a boy my mother used to laugh at my dream of building a car made out of spaghetti, well today. I finally done it. You should of seen her face when","I drove pasta" +"Why do you never get hungry in the desert","Because of the sand which is there" +"Joke at a graveyard My Dad and I were walking around a graveyard looking at the headstones of a war memorial. Dad: What language is that. Me: Pretty sure it's Russian. Dad: It can't be Russian","It's not even moving" +"Dad if you could hang out with anyone, dead or alive, who would it be. Robin Williams","The dead version I guess, since you gave me the option" +"You’ve been drinking beer haven’t you. I smell it on your breath. No, I’ve been eating frogs’ legs","what you smell is the hops" +"My friend Pavlov has this wacky religion based on dog deities","it promises its believers eternal salivation" +"What do you get when you cross Scandinavian landscapes with an American car company","A fjord fusion" +"Turns out the sun is planning to retire and asked me for advice don't quit your day job,","I said" +"Who is the best gardener on the Avengers","Hulk, he has a green thumb" +"What did the fish say when he swam into a wall and hurt himself","Damn" +"I intend my first post here to be beautiful","Beautiful" +"Mushroom Joke Me: I forgot how many people you know Dad: Well I'm a pretty cool mushroom Me:","Dad: Fungi, get it" +"My left speaker of my headphone stopped working I guess now I have the right headphone EDIT: Stole it from friends twitter after informing them. http://i. imgur. com/YXOUvUH","png" +"What do you call a redhead who works in a bakery","A ginger bread man" +"Why are cardiologists always so depressed","Because their job is in vein" +"When we were out getting sushi. Waitress drops this off http://i. imgur. com/Vsf60xk","jpg Dad: Now that's a boatload of sushi" +"French people don’t have two eggs for breakfast","because in France one egg is un oeuf" +"Dad, joke Son was having a hard time with an embarrassing event that happened to him at school. He ended up saying, I'm a joke","So I replied, I'm a dad, joke" +"What Beatle is entirely made out of fabric","John Linen" +"My dad just texted me this totally out of the blue. What do you call a sleep walking nun","A roamin Catholic" +"Which of King Arthur's knights made The Round Table","Sir Cumference" +"Gave a top notch dad joke to my boyfriend today. Looking at photos of our escapades from earlier in the day my boy friend comments on his new experimental man bun. Me: It looks top knot","ch to me" +"I need to be nerfed","Because I am OP" +"My mom couldn't find the 'clicker' for the tv and asked my dad if he had seen it","My dad responds, I haven't the remotest idea where it is" +"What do you call a man with no body and no nose","Nobody knows" +"What food comes from the cold part of Mexico","A burr-ito" +"Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating","Because they have no-body to go with" +"A skeleton walks into a bar","He orders a beer and a mop" +"Only anti-vaxxers will get this one","Small-Pox" +"Why did Han Solo chase after his son","Because Kylo *Ran*" +"Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, So, how's it going. The second one sighed and shook his head, Not good, I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me","The first replied, Well, don't lose any sheep over it" +"I went to the store yesterday to pick up 6 cans of sprite. It wasn't till. I got home that. I realised","I'd picked 7-up!" +"First timer, go easy if it sucks. Doctor:. Are you ticklish. Patient:. I’m not sure. Doctor:. Alright","I’m gonna give you a testicle" +"What do you call a group of stoner cows","High steaks" +"So much negativity these days, here's a little joke for you","^joke" +"I dadjoked my client I'm a massage therapist in a spa. While working with a client, she mentioned she plays violin, works out regularly, and runs a successful business. Then: Client: I also like to do a lot of gardening. Me: Seems like you've got your hands in quite a few pots. She agreed then continued about how she enjoyed gardening. She finished speaking, then after 5 minutes of silence she yells, HAAAAAAAAAAAAA. I just got your joke about the pots","Best response to a dadjoke I've ever gotten" +"I went to a constellation themed restaurant named Orion's Belt","I give it 3 stars" +"A young man threw a block of cheddar at me","I said that's not very mature" +"What did the right eye say to the left eye","Something between us smells" +"My dad was contemplating a motorcycle trip in the cold pennsylvania weather Dad: Hey what's the temperature outside. Do you think I should take the motorcycle today. Mom: the temperature is 36° Dad: oh, nevermind. I would be a pop-sicle. Everyone: *collective groans* Dad: and then you guys can sing f-reeze a jolly good fellow, freeze a jolly good fellow","Help" +"Why are 2 canyons better than 1. because they are gorges. &#x200B; (Gorgeous, get it. ) I'll see myself out","In my defense, my daughter told me that one" +"First image of the new Star Wars cast (x-post from /r/pics) https://s-media-cache-ak0. pinimg. com/736x/59/c2/13/59c213bf49ac94b6a0624c858f7318f5","jpg" +"Got bamboozled by a guy giving away batteries. Or maybe not","After all, he did say they were free of charge" +"Someone scuffed the paint of the vehicle that. I carry my kids around in","I hate van-dull-ism" +"What did the pirate say when he turned 80","Aye matey" +"I realized that people who take pictures of weed love photography","They’re chronic photographers" +"I'm not feeling very strong today","Because it's a weekday" +"When do astronauts eat","At launch time" +"I was diagnosed as colour blind today","It really came out of the purple" +"I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet","I don't know why" +"A woman came up to me the other day and said she recognised me from the local vegetarian club i go to","But i'd never seen herbivore" +"What body of water should you never cry in front of","The Crimea river" +"Seems like my dad's sense of humour is influencing the young mind of my sister who said this just then. Sister: How does a hunchback sleep. Me: . On their side","Sister: No they close their eyes" +"What do you call an alligator in a vest","An Investigator" +"My phone just dad joked me. I recently got a new android phone, which happens to have a siri-like AI function. After playing with it a bit, I decided to ask it what my name was. What is my name. What. That is a strange name to have","I don't know what I was expecting" +"Why are the fish afraid of basketball","They're afraid of the net" +"I dropped a major Dad joke tonight Daughter: I wish everyone were vampires. Me: That would be terrible. Daughter: why","Me: Because they suck" +"What is the first thing you have to do when throwing a party in outer space","Planet" +"What did Chewbacca say when he dressed up as Jason Voorhees for Halloween","CHEW CHEW CHEW BACA CA" +"Brought the kids to the Toys R Us today. Sons were playing with those baby toy phones pretending to call each other. They were having so much fun and wanted to begged me to buy it","That was when I saw the opportunity and told them c'mon guys it's not even a real phone, it's a PHONEY they didn't get it" +"Playing Catan with some friends. * Friend: I'm looking for a sheep. * Me: What's his name","* My friends banned me from playing with them for a while because of this" +"I like to stay well hydrated","I only drink water from wells" +"What do you call a dad who tells jokes","A groan up" +"I saw a sign post saying watch for children as. I drove off to see my friends. I told them it was the best trade. I made as","I showed them my new watch" +"What do you call two shoes talking. A","Converse-ation." +"The guy manning the dessert station in my cafeteria got his coworker good with this one. Worker 1: Hey, you better watch out, I can't be trusted. Worker 2: Why's that","Worker 1: Because I'm desserting everyone" +"My friend told me that he dislocated his shoulder. I asked him which one it was","When he pointed to it, I said, Looks like you've located it, then" +"For the past two hours, my wife has been complaining that her bra is really uncomfortable","I think she needs to get that off her chest" +"What do you call an old man in Mexico","A señor citizen" +"Somebody asked me where do you see yourself next year","I said I don’t know, I don’t have 2020 vision" +"The waiter at a restaurant asks “you finish","” “No, I’m danish”" +"Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors","If it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan" +"Have you heard the story of the man who ran over himself. One afternoon a man asked his son if he could run over to the convenience store and pick up a copy of that day's newspaper. His son said, Sorry Dad, I'm still finishing up my homework, so I'm busy for a bit","So the man ran over himself" +"My son says my new tool is boring","Son, it is called drilling" +"My buddy told me to ask him if he's a horse","he said neigh" +"A seal goes into a bar The bartender asks, What'll be Mr","Seal The seal replies, Anything but a Canadian Club" +"Why did the Honeydew and the Watermelon decide to have a big family church wedding","Becuase they cantaloupe" +"Couldn't pass up the opportunity for a pun at work tonight. I'm a manager at a hotel and I got stuck covering the desk for an employee tonight. A 50ish-year-old couple came in with their teenage son and said, reservation for Knight. Yeah, here we go. A room with 2 queen beds for one night. I replied, well. for *three* knights, I guess. and I gestured toward them. The teenager immediately rolled his eyes, the dad BUSTED out laughing and the mom chuckled and said, normally, *he* makes those jokes. The husband then says, Yeah I had one all ready to go. I was proud that I beat them to the punch","It was a good day" +"I really want to start an herb garden","I just don't have the thyme" +"During an argument, my friend accused me of an “ad homonym” attack","It’s no what it sounds like" +"Before crowbars were invented","Most crows drank at home" +"I like telling dad jokes","Sometimes he laughs" +"How do you think the unthinkable","You hit it with an itheberg" +"Was texting with my dad about going to the movies when I'm home. Me: Jurassic World is also out that week on the 12th. Dad: You can go with Mom to that one. Me: You don't care about dinosaurs. Dad: They're dead to me. Me: Haha","I love you" +"How do you make a tissue dance","Put a little boogie in it" +"What happens when the cops are called to a Christmas party","Police Navidad" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school","It's ok, he woke up" +"How did the. Russians keep the. Germans at bay in. World. War. II. They were","Stalin" +"Wife got my son good My son is learning about body parts: Son: Dada you have a mouth Me: Yes, son Son: and Mama you have mouth. Wife: Yes Son: and this book have a mouth. Wife: No","But it does have a spine" +"I'm going to get you to highlight my notes for me, whatever it takes","Mark my words" +"Whiplash dad joke So I was talking to my dad about a film I had just seen, Whiplash (fantastic film by the way). I quoted the now famous line Were you rushin' or were you draggin'. to him. Without missing a beat, he replied: Were you rushin' or were you ukrainan","God dammit dad" +"Why do mermaids wear sea-shells","Because B-shells are too small and D-shells are too big" +"Why did the lion eat the tight rope walker","He wanted a balanced meal" +"Some people think the cost of wigs is too high. Personally,","I think it’s a fair price toupee." +"At a restaurant and this wooden door by the cashier was swinging out too much. Stuck my arm out and let it bump into me to stop it before it hits others. Female staff, maybe the one who accidentally let the door swing, noticed, caught the door and apologised with a nice smile","Can't believe I let myself get hit on" +"Why do little kids never go to see pirate movies","Because they're all Rated ARRRRRR" +"Interviewer: Your resume says that you take things too literally","Me: When the hell did my resume learn to talk" +"My friend in the train station: If someone falls off the platform.","and gets hit by a train, does it become a splatform" +"You shouldn’t kiss anyone on. January 1st","It’s only the first date" +"It's not long","Shortbread" +"I farted in. Burger. King","It was an absolute whopper" +"A horse walks into a bar The bartender says Hey","Then the horse replies Sounds good" +"The homeless got to eat. My little sister is stroking the dog (huge bull-mastiff) and comments on how warm he is. I wouldn't mind being homeless if I had Buster she says","To which my dad replies yeah, you wouldn't go hungry for weeks" +"My wife got me earlier. We were talking about Looney Toons and how Foghorn Leghorn was drowning in pussy","She looks at me and said: Yeah he's got his fill of chicks" +"I just committed a murder","Those crows are finally getting the mental health care they so desperately needed" +"My in-laws were building some shelves Father-in-law: Check out the cantilever shelves we're working on. Me: Nice. Those remind me of your daughter. Mother-in-law: What. Why. Me: Well, now that we're married, I can't-a-leave-her","Wife: Please don't laugh at that" +"Where does the general keep his armies","Up his sleevies" +"I'm going to pass out Backstory: Dad gets splinter, mom asks me to hold flash light, I start to get the feeling that I am about to pass out (ears ringing, tunnel vision, light headed. ) Me: Sorry I couldn't be of help, I was about to pass out, my ears starting ringing. Dad:. Your ears started ringing. Me: Yeah","Dad: Well did you pick em up" +"It sounds super fun to work for a sandpaper company","Every goal is just sellabrasion" +"I spent months convincing my wife that I was going to paint our bedroom white. In the end I just painted it red","It was all a rouge" +"People in glass houses","Shouldn't throw surprise parties" +"Have you ever been to the Holy Land","Israeli cool" +"Hey did you guys ever hear about Geddy Lee's alter ego","He was a musician by day But he was a FLY BY NIGHT" +"How does harry potter get down a hill. Walking of course","jk Rolling" +"My mom just went full dadjoke Talking about Jurassic park My mom: Ahhh dinosaurs never get old","*pause* hahahahahahaha" +"What is Forrest Gump’s wifi password","1Forrest1" +"Got a triple facepalm with this one Was closing at the restaurant I worked at, when someone started breaking down the iced tea station. While checking if any tables were drinking it, she asked Tim, do you need tea. Before he could respond, I said of course he does","Without it, he'd be Im" +"Roller coaster joke So yesterday I'm at Six Flags over Texas and was in my seat ready for the ride to begin. An employee comes over to my seat and says hands up so he can check everything. This is when I say I surrender","I was very proud of this and continued to say it on every ride" +"Fart Jokes at a Wedding We were at a wedding and a lady announces Lady - Okay we're ready to cut the cake everyone. Dad - When are we gonna cut the cheese","(All the other dad's give a little chuckle)" +"Got the girlfriend again (with extra-groan for Easter relevance) A couple of nights ago my girlfriend and I spotted a white jackrabbit in the field near our house. We noticed one again tonight on our drive home: Girlfriend: Hey look, it's the Easter bunny. Me: Huh, pretty sure that's the same jackrabbit from the other night. Girlfriend: Can't be a jackrabbit, its ears are way too small. Me: We're clearly just splitting hares here, babe. It took a second, but she responded with the desired groan and the you're an idiot face push-away","Victory" +"Have you heard the one about three holes in the ground, filled with water","Well, well, well" +"Just so everyone is clear","I will put my glasses on." +"I know a couple who met in a revolving door","I think they’re still going round together" +"My girlfriend told me, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you sweep or mop in my life","” I said, “Floors are beneath me" +"Hey, Flatearther, wanna play basketball","*tosses him a frisbee*" +"I told my girlfriend my deerskin rug is shedding. Shedding. she asked. Yeah. It's like barning but smaller","That's the biggest groan I've gotten out of her yet" +"Grandad joke in the car. So my grandad came over to visit recently and my dad asked him what his favourite pub in the area was. He answered Oh I can't remember the name. It's the one where you go towards Chard and turn left by the Feathers and keep going down that road until you see it on your right. I know the area pretty well but there is no place I know of called 'The Feathers' so I asked him Where's the feathers","He replied Around the duck's bottom" +"Technically we're all third wheeling our footwear","You could say they're your sole mates" +"What do you call someone who is attacked by a leafy green vegetable","Lettuce prey" +"Did you hear the recent electrifying news about a drunken idiot who climbed a power pole and got the crap shocked out of him","It's good to keep up on current events" +"Yesterday I got hit over the head with a powertool. I was sitting quietly minding my own business and then suddenly","Bosch" +"A telemarketer tried to sell me a coffin. I told him that's the last thing","I need" +"Trust dad to make light of a disappointing experience at the local mechanic I was telling my dad about how we just got our car back from being fixed at our local mechanic and had a pretty disappointing experience. I had to call back several times only to find that there would be further delays (5 days total) until the car was repaired and after 'cleaning' the car and they left grease marks everywhere - including all over the windows, on the steering wheel and door handles","My dad cut in with at least you could slip through the traffic easily" +"My four year old pulled this one on me this morning . Me asking her to get out of bed: C'mon honey, get up","Her: Dad, I'm not good with heights" +"McDonalds employee got served After placing my order the employee asked will you be eating here Replied No, I would prefer to sit at a table","She just rolled her eyes at me" +"When my kids are old enough to start attending school, I play on withdrawing them after day one","I refuse to let them receive anything less than a first class education" +"Why is your nose in the middle of your face","Because its the scenter" +"Sorry my posts have been so dark lately","I turned on Reddit night mode" +"Never buy flowers from a monk , Smokey the Bear said","Only you can prevent florist friars" +"I've been trying to make the wife laugh with my jokes","but they're generally dad on arrival" +"Dadjoked my dad today. As we were looking across the creek in their backyard, my dad says Marsh Cemetery is back over there. You have to be a Marsh to be buried there. Me, what if you're a swamp","Dad lightly chuckled" +"What do you call a girl who catches fish","Anette" +"I don't always tell dad jokes but when","I do, he laughs" +"This one comes from my aunt's dad. My aunt's bathroom is shaped like a hallway, long and narrow. I found out when she moved into her house, her dad told her she should repaint the bathroom with silver paint","When she asked him why, he said, Well then you could call it the Long John Silver" +"That'll show him A large corporation, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know he meant business. He asked the guy, How much money do you make a week. A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, I make $400 a week. Why. The CEO told him to wait right there. He walked back to his office and came back a couple of minutes later and handed the guy $1600 in cash. Here's 4 weeks pay. Now GET Out and don't come back here. Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here","From across the room a voice said, Pizza delivery guy from Dominoes" +"This one made me say crumbs after I unintentionally dad-joked. Me: I just made a loaf. It'll be ready. In half an hour. Her: was that some half baked joke. Me: . Her: it'll be ready. B-ready. Bready. Me: doh. Her: seriously. Me: what","Her: Dough" +"If you ever need someone to ship aninal cargo for you. I","Noah guy." +"I'd like to tell an Ear, Nose, or mouth joke. But eye jokes are so much cornea","" +"What did the leftovers covered with aluminum say","Foiled again" +"Him and his wife play identical brass instruments","It's a same sax relationship" +"I met an old man in pharmacy today, he picked up a rubber band from the ground and said. you can't be a good drummer if you don't have enough bands. Haven't laughed so sincerely since the beginning of time","Old man still got it" +"What do you call a deaf dog. It doesn't matter, it can't hear you anyway","EDIT: Credit to my Economics teacher" +"There was a draw for $2000 worth of free tires at the fair today As I was filling out the entry form, I said to the girl: If I win this, I can re-tire","She didn't even acknowledge the joke" +"All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person that they have ever met","I’m not buying it" +"So my parents mailbox was obliterated when I visited them yesterday and these are the first words that were spoken as I walked in. Me: Dad, who ran into the mailbox. Dad: No one that I know of","Someone drove into it though" +"If Yoda went on stage to introduce the band “Guess Who,” the audience would be so confused","He’d come to the microphone and simply say “Guess Who, this is”" +"Someone broke into my house and stole my anti depression pills","I hope they're happy" +"While working at the bank today, an old lady asked me to check her balance","So I pushed her" +"Friend dadjoked her husband. A group of ua were playing a board game where were were either hunters or shadows. Husband : Which side are you on","Wife (Sitting beside him) : Your right side" +"I'm moving and my dad is helping. I asked if he could bring a dollie","His reply: I can bring a teddy bear, but I would have thought you'd have found more adult ways of dealing with your insecurities by now" +"Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the sides of their ships","So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian" +"I doubt. I'll shave at the end of. November","My beard is really growing on me." +"You know who has the best Nickname","Nick" +"What do Ned Stark and my breakfast have in common","They are both Raisin’ Bran" +"Last night, my dad got my grandpa. We were talking about a joint in Logansport, IN, called The Old Style Inn. My grandpa jumped in and said hey, there's an Old Style Inn in Valpo. (Valparaiso, IN, about 75 miles NW) I wonder if they're connected","Without missing a beat, my dad says that'd be a pretty long tunnel" +"GF just dadjoked me HARD In the kitchen making tea. Enter girlfriend. Hey how are you. I asked. Good. What are you up to. Nothin' she shrugged. Everything ok. Yup. Why are you being so curt. I inquired. But I'm not Curt, I'm Jenny. she offered as she left the room","I didn't even know what to say" +"A man had surgery to remove the left side of his brain","Surprisingly, he was all right" +"Did you know the first French fries weren’t cooked in France","They were cooked in Greece" +"If your dentist pulls the wrong tooth","Is it accidental?" +"My wife wondered how I managed to get such a tight fitting shirt on our son. It was rather small for him - he's big for a 4-month old - and she struggled to get it off. She asked me: How did you even manage to get his arms through the sleeves","I replied: It took some perserverance, and a little elbow grease" +"DC and Marvel should make a crossover between The Flash and The Incredible Hulk","They could call it The Fast and the Furious" +"Not sure if this fits the mold, but I am a dad and I like it. So 3 explorers were captured by the king of a pacific island. One explorer was from Paris, one was from London, and one was from New York. The island king told them that they were all going to be killed, and that their skins would be used to make canoes. The king gave them a choice as to how they would die. The explorer from Paris chose to be killed by a guillotine, and they cut off his head. The explorer from London chose to be killed by a gun, and they shot him in the head. The explorer from New York chose to be killed by a fork. The island kind was confused. He didn't know what to do with the fork, so he gave it to the explorer from New York. The guy immediately starts stabbing himself all over with the fork. There is blood everywhere and it's a horrific scene. The dismayed island king asks the explorer from New York what the hell he's doing, and the New Yorker replies","FUCK YOU AND YOUR GOD-DAMN CANOE" +"My daughter asked me to spell Michelle backwards. So I did","M-I-C-H-E-L-L-E B-A-C-K-W-A-R-D-S" +"What do you call a logger who's ripped","Lumber-jacked" +"I really like the name. Saturn","It has a nice ring to it" +"My cousins are like the letter K","They are okay by themselves, but get horribly racist when 3 of them get together" +"I warned one of my students not to study geography around Thanksgiving","He might end up Hungary for Turkey" +"An obese man on a diet stole a staircase","He was taking steps to lose weight" +"It's a butterfly. It's a butterfly. https://imgur","com/gallery/b8T6P" +"What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the supply closet","SUPPLIES!!!" +"What happens when the smog lifts from Los Angeles","UCLA" +"One painkiller to another Two painkillers were talking. One says hey Finlay, I'm a much better painkiller than you . Finlay says why do you say that","The first one says I be pro, Fin" +"What do you call a fish without eyes","Fsh" +"What do you call a 2000 lb Asian dumpling","A one ton wonton" +"What are a tree’s favorite type of glasses","Oak-ley’s" +"If I were a DJ I'd have to be DJ Enzyme","because I'm always breaking it down" +"hat do you call an Irish computer virus","O'Malleyware" +"What's the name of a locksmith with a lisp","Keith" +"What name do you give to a bulletproof Irishman","Rick O'Shae" +"He's not even a father, but my uncle's facebook is still a goldmine of dad-jokes http://imgur. com/a/voxEK Not sure if imgur links are allowed either","I've never posted to this sub before and the rules are a little confusing but my uncle makes me laugh so I wanted to share" +"A panda walked into a bar And said to the bartender i'll have a vod. ka and a coke please. The bartender asks why the big pause","The panda replied i was born with them" +"Yesterday, I really lost it at work","But today I found it" +"What do you call a masterbating cow","Beef stroganoff" +"How do Pandas Scare Each Other. With Bam","Boo" +"Sometimes you have to sacrifice being a gentleman for the juicy dad joke. Girlfriend and I are walking to dinner one night and on she says, I'm chilly ❄️ and I turn and say, Nice to meet you chilly, I'm stew. The look on her face","It was great and terrifying all at the same time" +"Guess I'm never going to wine tasting again. Instructor: Only true champagne comes from Champagne Italy, everything else is called sparkling wine. *raise my hand* Me: where are these ones from. Instructor: Those three are from California. Me: So the rest of these are just Sham-pagnes","Whole room groans, gf says she's never taking me to these again" +"A merchant approached the captain of a SWAT team about upgrading their riot shields. The captain replied, Finally","A purchase I can get behind" +"To a friend with broken fingers We just got back from the hospital, and were talking about the hot lady doctor who patched him up. We were talking about him hitting on her, did he get her number. Well, she got /his/ digits","(finger wiggle)" +"What’s the coldest place to get dinner","Chili’s" +"Dad posted on Facebook that he was Watching Football http://imgur","com/Z2ydMyl" +"You know what really grinds my gears","A metal filer" +"Owls are definitely in the who's who of the animal kingdom","My 8 year old daughter thought she saw an owl last night, so this joke is a modified response I told her" +"Bnag","That’s bang out of order" +"my. BEST dad joke. He put his car in reverse and went out of the driveway,","Ah that takes me back" +"I burnt 2600 calories yesterday","I forgot the tray of brownies in the oven" +"Did you hear about the virtual pet dog","All byte, no bark" +"This was said to me by a customer at work So at work today, a customer asks me what department I work in. I replied by saying, I usually work in golf but I'm just roamin' today. He looks me in the eye and says. Roman. I thought you were American","And that was the most uncomfortable moment of my life" +"Back in my day. Shovels were all the rage","Truly ground-breaking technology" +"I put the date on all my leftovers so I know when I made them. My SO goes into the fridge, picks up some leftovers and says Did you date this. Yes Was she good to you","ಠ_ಠ" +"I tried having a conversation with the rudest car salesman ever","He just kept saying he had 0% interest" +"Any of you seen the clown that hides from dumb people","I’ve seen him twice this past week personally" +"I went to go see a movie about an emo","I'd say it was cutting edge" +"Have you ever smelt mothballs","How did you get their tiny legs open" +"A cannibal goes to a restaurant and asks to eat one of only a few people who can contact the dead; long roasted on a spit","a rare medium well done" +"My wife told me I have to quit cold turkey","No left overs for me on thanksgiving" +"Dad got me when we went for coffee: What's blue, and smells like red paint","Blue Paint" +"“Where do you see yourself in six months","I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision" +"Hagrid cremates. Harry. Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm You're a blizzard,","Harry" +"What's the difference between Batman and a robber","Batman can go into a store without Robin" +"Overheard my Scottish passenger say this to his girlfriend while driving Uber today. Driving them back to their house, he points over at a business and says to her Maybe I should work for that company there. She looks over and asks Amscot. To which he replies Yeah, I am Scot","I laughed out loud" +"I went to the craft store, and got a new neon-colored marker","It was the highlight of my whole day, actually" +"How do. Greek gods say sorry to one another ''I","Apollo-gise''" +"What did the man say after digging three holes. Well, well, well. My dads favorite joke. Hopefully it hasn't been done before","Xpost from r/jokes" +"Why did the young Alaskan become a fisherman","Oh, just for the halibut" +"An inventor shows his friend the first knife ever… His friend says, “Wow. That’s the best thing since bread","” The inventor says, “Well, I’m about to blow your mind" +"I told my Ranger at work that after my dog had passed away, we buried him and then planted a tree to grow on top of his grave","He responded with I guess that tree will have more bark than usual" +"While collecting assignments from student's desks I spied one that said, How do you make a teacher crazy","(turn over) Have him turn paper over for no apparent reason" +"What happens when you don’t pay the priest for your exorcism","You get repossessed" +"I took up origami for a while","It was too much paperwork" +"Was walking with my 10 yo son and we came across a replica of the sculpture 'The Thinker'. He said 'look at that naked statue'. I told him that it was very famous sculpture called The Thinker. He said 'what is he thinking about","I said, 'he's probably wondering where he left his clothes'" +"What happened when the red ship crashed into the blue ship","The sailors were marooned" +"No snow in January My dad and I are driving home from a vacation, in Pennsylvania he mentions how strange it is to see green grass in January. I reply with I know right, that's not cool","The car was silent for the next five minutes" +"My English teacher asked me what I think about loyalty","I said I prefer Green tea" +"My dad sold abacuses for a living during the sixties","He was part of the counter culture" +"Which physicians are the most religious","The Ortho docs" +"Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of boats","Because is they went forward they would fall into the boat" +"Some guy in the street threw a soda can at me","I was lucky it was a soft drink" +"Dadjoked my roommate So he's studying for some math test and says, Dammit. I can't remember any of these identities. to which I respond, So I guess you're having a bit of a","identity crisis" +"I can do a double backflip My dad and I are in the car driving home from school, and we start talking about amazing talents. Suddenly my dad says Dad: I can do a double backflip Me: No way Dad, this is probably some silly dad joke Dad: No seriously I can, I watched an 80 year old woman do it on youtube, I'll bet you on it Me: Alright fine, show me when we get home We get home. My dad goes to the grass to do his famous double backflip. He jumps in the air. Bends his back a bit. Then behind his back he flips the bird with both hands","Dad: I guess you owe me for the bet" +"If one is an expert in tying knots,","One does knot simply." +"A. Spanish cat told me a joke once","I kept thinking you gato be kitten me" +"To be. Frank","I’d have to change my name" +"Can February March Can February March","No but April May ;)" +"Why does Kim Jong-Un like books","Because he is the supreme reader" +"The invention of the shovel was","groundbreaking" +"At brunch today. My girlfriend was going to order the White Beet Soup, and I asked if it came with a side of M&Ms. Her: why would it come with M&Ms","Me: well I thought Eminem would be prominently featured in something filled with white beats" +"My daughter has a friend named Afton I asked her if she had a brother named Beforton","-One of my only RL dad comments, the groan was so satisfying" +"What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle","Attire" +"My co-worker asked what a freight elevator was. My supervisor: an elevator that is a freight","Me: a freight of what" +"What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back","A stick" +"I’m really getting tired of making my bed every morning","I’m also running out of 2x4’s" +"I just got my hair cut. It's a little short and I don't think I like it","But it will grow on me" +"For star wars day this past weekend I made cookies in the shape of a wookie","They were a little Chewey" +"What do you call a runner that sheds their skin","Usain Molt" +"Where can you find an ocean without any water","On a map" +"[meta] Welcome to our new moderators. I don’t know if I missed a post announcing them or something, but I noticed the new mods were chosen for this sub and added","I would like to say welcome from all of us at r/dadjokes to u/phreephorm u/anarousedcatfish u/cutek9 u/yayoletsgo u/suitinguncle620 and u/blank-cheque Welcome to the team and we look forward to having y’all" +"I almost ate chilly con carne. But","I microwaved it instead." +"“To my son, who suffered through countless Dad jokes, I leave my bathroom scale","” Because where there is a will, there is a weigh" +"How do you stay clean in space","You take a meteor shower" +"Have you met the Answer Family. Yes-sica, and No-ah Answer","They're daughter is sweet, Maybe-lline" +"when calling a patient today, I knew right away he was a dad. **me:** Hi is this Mr. Dad. **Mr. Dad:** yes, I am me **Me:** This is me, calling from Dr. Cancer's office to discuss your biopsy results with you, do you have a minute to speak with me. **Mr. Dad:** i have at least 7 minutes, i can certainly spare one to give to you. I'm glad Dr. Cancer is proactive in contacting me - the last doctor I went to, i had to tell him i broke my arm in two places. **me:** Oh jeez, I'm sorry to hear that M- **Mr. Dad:** yeah, and you know what the doctor said. Don't go back to those places.","sound of me rolling eyes over phone while he chortles" +"Merry. Christmas. Adam. Because. Adam came before","Eve." +"My kid has a toy set of different biblical characters, but one started talking and now it condescendingly corrects me all the time","what a little Noah doll" +"I turn 21 in In 38 minutes and my nickname with my friends is “pickle” so how do I spend my birthday","Well I “Relish” the moment obviously" +"Parallel lines have so much in common","It's a shame they'll never meet" +"I still remember the last thing my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket How far do you think","I can kick this bucket?" +"Pulled a dad joke in my dad. This one be a little played out, but my Aunt, dad and I were dining out, and my Aunt ordered a shrimp salad, the waiter brings it out, and it's huge. My dad: Holy mackerel. My aunt and I simultaneously: No. It's shrimp. My dad: Hey","That's my job" +"I named my hard drive dat ass . So once a month my computer asks if","I want to 'back dat ass up'." +"Pulled a dad joke will working on the coffee maker. Recently we got a Keurig in the house, after 20 minutes and one frozen touch screen later I uttered the phrase this thing must run on Java","It took me a second after hearing the groans" +"Superman started robbing banks","They now call him The man of steal ." +"You can never lose a homing pigeon","If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon. " +"Just told this to my wife in bed. W: Stop touching me with your foot, your sock is scratchy. Me: Which one, this one. (Proceeds to rub her leg with foot) W: Both of them they're the same ones. Me: No I have different socks on. W: No you don't","Me: Yeah I do, ones on the left and ones on the right" +"What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup","You can roast beef" +"Was helping at my dad's house and we got to talking I was talking with my dad when my little sister walks in from the garage mumbling something. Dad: Don't interrupt people when they are having a conversation. (Turns to me) What were you talking about. Me: I can't remember, I lost my train of thought","Dad: What, did it get derailed" +"So I scared myself just before. I almost dropped my glasses in the toilet","I'm glad I didn't, though, because if I had, my vision would have gone to shit" +"I went to a zoo but all there was were dogs. It was. Shih","Tzu" +"What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo","One's a heavy animal, the other is a little lighter" +"Why did the snail buy a Tesla Model S","To drive it around and make people say look at that S car go" +"My wife is totally blown away by all the cute cat pictures on Reddit","She's in aww" +"Who is a penguin's favorite family member","Aunt Artica" +"My Dad and I just had a conversation. It went a little something like this, Me I have 5 socks left, well ones without holes in them. Dad All my socks have a hole in them Me . Dad How else am I supposed to get my foot it. Me Oh, ha. ha. ha","He processed to laugh his ass off will I walk away groaning" +"On selling had warmers 7-11 was selling some hand warmers on the counter. While paying for my items, notice the hand warmer box was two thirds empty and I motion to it","Those must be some hot sellers" +"Slugs. They moistly come at night","moistly" +"My friend. David lost his. ID. Now we just call him","Dav" +"How much does a hipster weigh","An Instagram" +"What do you call a sheep with no legs","A cloud" +"Customer got me on Drive Thru I was working on drive thru when a father and son came through and the total for their order was $21. So when I told them, the son said something and the father burst out laughing. The father then said 23, 24","It took me a moment to get it but then we all laughed about it" +"Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France","There was nothing left but de Brie" +"How do you make antifreeze","Take off her clothes" +"A guy just threw a yogurt at me","How dairy" +"You know what really grinds my gears","Friction" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school","It's fine he woke up" +"I was dad-joked during the football game tonight I was watching the Seattle Seahawks play against the Green Bay Packers tonight, and Derrick Coleman was shown on TV. I turned to my dad, That's the deaf football player, right. Him Huh. Me That football player is deaf, right. Him What. As he held his hand up to his ear","God damn it dad" +"Why did the female minister go to bed","It was pastor bedtime" +"What is Thanos’s favourite Video Game","Half-Life" +"Did you hear about that guy who spent his whole life shaving sheep","They say he died from shear boredom" +"I lost my iPhone while unwrapping presents I found it","The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree" +"My subscription to the Scrabble Club expired","Now they're sending me threatening letters" +"Artists are independent thinkers","They draw their own conclusions" +"What's an oying","This joke" +"I stayed up all night wondering where the sun was","And then it dawned on me." +"Fish are smart","Because they swim in schools" +"My daughter came home from school and asked me, dad, what are the ten commandments","I said, salt vinegar pepper mustard" +"RIP boiling water","You will be mist" +"My friend bought a really expensive tie online, but there is a good chance it’s fake","I think his ascot ripped off" +"Dad 1. My dog has no nose. Dad 2. How does it smell. Dad 1","Awful" +"What currency do they use in outer space","Starbucks" +"I met an astronaut in Mexico who claimed to hold the record for the fastest unassisted orbit around Earth","I'll never forget Juan Solo" +"The. Avengers must really love. Daft. Punk. They were up all night to get","Loki" +"What’s under the dough boys apron","Donuts" +"Making dadjokes when you can barely talk isn't easy, but I did it. At work today, a friend of mine came in with two dried Carolina Reaper peppers. If you aren't familiar with these bad boys, they are hotter than Lucifer's testicles themselves. 2 Million Scoville units. Two times hotter than the ghost pepper. To put it into perspective, a jalapeno is about 5000 scoville units. This one was 2. 2 fucking million. Anyway. I walked past my buddy's desk and he asked if I wanted some of the pepper. OF COURSE I DID. He gave me 1/4 of one of these little peppers and he even dared me to chew it for 15 seconds before swallowing. Which I did. To say that my mouth felt like the burning hemorrhoids of satans budding asshole would be a vast understatement. One of the girls who sat near my buddy looks at me -- pacing back and forth around the room, sweating, crying -- and she says: >** Cane-Dewey, are you alright. ** I could barely breathe let alone speak","But through all the pain and angush, I still managed to mutter out: >** No, I'm half left" +"What do you call a factory that makes good products","Satisfactory" +"My feet passed the entrance exam","They were a shoe-in" +"Two Antennas Get Married","The wedding was ok but the reception was amazing" +"Why did the computer win the rap battle","He had the best algorithm" +"My instructor doesn’t think I’m cut out to be a mime","It must have been something I said" +"They're finally making a movie about clocks","It's about time" +"What do you call a group of whales singing","An Orcastra" +"Was out walking the dogs and someone asked me if they were. Jack. Russels","Nah, they're mine." +"2020 will be the best year","We will see things so clearly" +"A waitress was taking an order from a dad and a 4 year old at a table. The kid kept screaming, screeching poorly-articulated profanities at the disinterested father. Over the screaming chaos, the father managed to order a water for himself, and an orange juice for his kid. The waitress came by with the drank, and within moments the kid smashed his cup onto the floor out of pure, unaimed toddler rage, spilling the drink all over the floor and the waitress. The father apologized, but asked if the gremlin could still have a second orange juice, hoping the kid would miraculously calm down. The waitress conceded despite the terribly behaved toddler, and returned to the shrieking zone with a second orange juice. She had forgotten to clean up the puddle of orange juice however, and slipped. The cup of juice went straight into the kid's face, and like a fire extinguisher to a flame, the kid just went silent, as if a lesson had been learned. Everyone in the restaurant looked at the table in silence","Juice twice had finally been served" +"What do you call a monkey made of dessert","A meringue-utang" +"People say they pick their nose. But. I feel like","I was just born with mine." +"I made a belt out of watches,","It was a waist of time." +"A woman got hit in the head by a can of soda","Thank goodness it was a soft drink" +"I know a complicated word nobody else does","Anticlimax" +"Talking about college and dad dropped this Me: Were you in a fraternity","Dad: Yes, I was phi gamma delta Dad: but I also tried out for *I Phelta Thi* *que dad chuckling*" +"A while back my six year old niece got me with a dad joke and she wasn't even in the room at the time. One day a while back I was at my sisters. I was talking to my niece and I complimented her because, for once, she wasn't being a cunt. You have no idea how much this kid usually deserves a punch in the teeth. As a guide; she once threw the cat down to the landing in the middle of the stairs because she heard cat's always land on their feet and wanted to see if it was true. No, she doesn't have needs We had her checked and apparently she is just seeking attention (even though she wants for nothing) Any way. The moment I complimented her she ran off crying. (WTF. ) A few moments later my sister comes in saying What the f*ck did you tell her she looked like a cow for. It took a moment but it finally hit me; The last thing I said to her before she ran off. : NO. No. I said she was likable. Not like a bull. Pause. Laughs all round","Then one grounded kid" +"What's the difference between roast beef, pea soup, and glue. Everyone can roast beef, but nobody can pea soup. _What about the glue","_ I got stuck on it" +"I was thinking on the toilet earlier cuz that's just how","I doo" +"What do you call a stage performance about a dictionary","A play on words" +"What breakfast did pilots of the. German. Airforce eat during. WWII","Luftwaffles" +"It took her a second to realize what I texted http://i. imgur. com/N3JYNg1","jpg" +"What do you call karate for amputees","Partial arts" +"PSA:. Never use a. Colander to look at the eclipse","You’ll strain your eyes" +"When it takes you a while to find RAM for your computer, what is it called","Short-term memory loss" +"The other day, my son asked me why. I think guns are stupid","I told him it's because they can't even read" +"Bees Did you hear about the guy who got sting by bees all over his body","Don't, worry, he's actually feeling pretty swell" +"What do you call a sleeping dinosaur","A dinosnore" +"I bought a new shampoo. My dad sniffed my hair and said: Shampoo","I'd say it's realpoo" +"This Valentines Day, I expect to be inundated. Sorry. I meant in","Undated" +"Dadjoked by the Costco receipt checker Ran into Costco to grab a take and bake pizza for dinner. As I handed my receipt (the only item was the pizza) to the guy at the door, I tried to give a lame joke and he returned the favor","Me: don't lose count now, this is a tough one Costco guy: well that's awfully cheesy" +"Who deals with the funerals of gods","An immortician >A dumb joke a thought up playing hockey one day" +"I asked my friend Nick if he could lend me 5 cents","But he was Nicolas" +"We had olives for dinner… My daughter asked if she could have some olives","I told her she could have some of them, but not olive them" +"I run a chiropractic office for peoples pets","It's called Animal Crackers" +"10 years ago I promised to myself not to touch a drop of drink while I'm at work","I haven't touched a job since" +"driving down the highway near a wind farm. wife: It's windy out here. me: Someone should turn off those fans","kids: *groan* Daaaaaaad" +"What's it called when you thank a Frenchman to death","a merci killing" +"Most people don't have to work on memorial day Except fire. Fire works on memorial day","Found on r/funny, posted by u/amandapandacomics" +"My dad finally explained the word many to me","It meant a lot." +"So my Dad is interested in Traditional Chinese Cooking He's been talking about get the right equipment for years but has never gone through with it","He can talk the talk but can he wok the wok" +"A pizza walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says","Sorry, we dont serve food here" +"What do you call a sad cup of coffee","A depresso" +"You hear about the plant in the math class","It has square roots" +"If a child refuses to sleep during nap time","are they guilty of resisting a rest" +"How does a farmer make money","Through his celery" +"Why don't people like volcanoes","They're giant ash-holes" +"Van Gogh, the good news is that you are in excellent health","Bad News: You have one ear to live" +"This is how I know I'm a dad","I have kids" +"How do the trees get on the internet","They log on" +"What sound does a nut make when it sneezes","Cashew" +"Apparently. I can’t use beefstew as a password","It’s not stroganoff" +"Did you hear about the chicken that sniffed too much curry powder","He got so ill he fell into a korma" +"What do you call birds that stick together","Vel-crows" +"Whale of a Tail I went whale watching today with my class and it was a great day. We saw tons of breaches by a young calf and over 20 humpbacks. I called my dad when I get home and told him about this amazing trip. Me: We saw a whale breach 20 times","Dad: Well you know what they say, life's a breach and then you dive" +"Can February March. Can February March","No, but April May" +"You know what's the hardest part of making skimmed milk","Throwing the cows across the lake" +"How does moses make his coffee","Hebrews it" +"The actor who played Bilbo is really upset that a supermarket opened up right next to his house","Unexpected item in the Baggins area" +"I thought my favorite tree was dying but it recently grew back","It was a pretty big re-leaf" +"Which famous astrophysicist used to play sports","Neil Lacrosse Tyson" +"Got my wife yesterday while preparing a fruit tray. She was busy slicing the watermelon when I mentioned a YouTube video I had seen recently that talks about how you can grill it. She asked about it and I told her how they basically cooked it like a steak. I guess that would make it filet MELON","Her face got immediately red and she shook her head trying not to laugh" +"[NSFW]. The wife masturbated with the remote control today to get my attention. It did nothing for me but it turned the","TV on" +"Did you hear about the acronym who's running for president. I'm not voting for him","I just don't agree with what he stands for" +"Did you hear about the guy who had his entire left side cut off","Don't worry, he's all right now" +"My wife needed me to pick up some tomato sauce from the store. She insisted that I buy two cans","No body in this grocerie store knows where the exotic bird section is" +"When the earthquake told a joke, nobody laughed","But the ground was cracking up" +"What do you call a werewolf youtuber","A lycansubscribe" +"Any random man: Arya Stark. Arya: Yes I am. Sansa: Yes I am. Robb: Yes I am. Bran: Yes I am. Rickon: Yes I am. Ned: Yes I am","Jon Snow: No, I'm not" +"What is something that Japan produces more than other countries","Japanese people" +"What's dark but always shines","Shoe polish" +"My dad got me with Windows You know why there was never a Windows 9 right. Because seven ate nine","There is no nine" +"Talking about the S. s I have the option to take the S. s without an essay. How do you do the S","'s without an SA" +"I had a stain. I had a stain on my shirt and I pointed it out. Me: Oh man I have a stain. Friend: Oh. Don't worry just use Shout and it will take it out. I look down at it and scream very loudly towards it. Me: Yeah, that didn't work","Oh the groans were perfect" +"I've become so afraid of elevators","I've started to take steps to avoid them" +"My friend said the new Google logo has no character","I responded that it has six" +"What do you call someone who's scared of sick Germans","Germanphobe" +"Dad joked a lady friend today while she was getting ready to go out","She said: I need to find a necklace to tie these shoes together Me: You should really use the laces for that" +"Why are boys faster than girls. Well they better be, each one is equipped with a stick shift and ball bearings","-credit: my dad" +"How do you find Will Smith in the snow","You look for Fresh Prints" +"When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo","I had to put my foot down" +"I bought a broken marionette recently","No strings attached" +"My poor coworker never saw it coming I had bent down and picked up a metal nut as my coworker was making his way over to me. Lifting it up so he could see it I casually remarked: If I had found two of these that would be nuts","He stopped, turned around, and walked away" +"Why did the tomato blush","Because it saw the salad dressing" +"Why did the Cultist go to the Seance","To get to the other side" +"I wrote a 1,000 page novel about a custodian","It was a sweeping epic" +"Tokenism is when your organization has only one PoC just for appearances sake","If you have only one elf, that's Tolkienism" +"Did you know about the glue exam","It was so hard I got stuck on the first question" +"I'm 35, I got kids and I swear my eyesight is worsening. I thought I was supposed to get my adult supervision by now",":-(" +"My wife and I told my dad we watched the most recent Hunger Games Did Jay get mad. What dad","Most people don't like being mocked so I wonder if Jay got mad" +"Why can't a bike stand on it's own","Because it's two-tired" +"I bought my brother a refrigerator for his birthday","I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it" +"My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction","So I packed up my stuff and right" +"Are goldfish naturally shy creatures","Sometimes they're a little koi" +"An amateur boxer was confused about where to hit. His coach said to never hit below the waist","That’s the punchline" +"I entered a contest where the grand prize was a shopping center, but. I lost","Guess you can't win the mall" +"How does a penguin build it's house","Igloos it together" +"I sent my hearing aids in for repair about a month ago","I’ve heard nothing since" +"Why does a chicken coop only have two doors. Because if it had four it would be a chicken sedan","😂" +"I saw a strange picket line on the way home today","The workers were carrying signs saying WE MAKE TOO MUCH MONEY” Then I noticed they were outside the mint" +"Why did the dad joke cross the road","cuz the kid and the mother sighed" +"Every now and then. I tell one of my kids You look like a smart boy with good survival instincts","They always cover their ears and run away yelling to drown me out, because they know the next line is &#x200B; How would you like a job?" +"U2 has discovered a cow that makes the strangest sounds","She moos in mysterious ways" +"How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan","You take away their little brooms" +"Why don't ghosts go into gyms","Because people are exorcising" +"A slice of apple pie is $2. 50 in Jamaica and $3. 00 in the Bahamas","These are the pie rates of the Caribbean" +"I asked dad how to do an eye joke","He said the cornea, the better" +"How do gamers like to shower","with Steam" +"i would tell you a joke about","Mexicans but its across the line" +"Does anyone know if it's possible to take a skin graft from a donkey and transplant it onto a buddy of mine that was burned","Just ass skin for a friend" +"It's nice to meet you. A fresh take on a classic: http://i. imgur. com/6iFjKp1. jpg (Credit: [Classical Art Memes](https://www. facebook","com/classicalartmemes/))" +"My landlord kicked me out, so I dumped my old food on his lawn","To the evictor go the spoils" +"I prefer standing in the train","And i can't stand sitting" +"Hey dad, I'm trans I have no son Thanks for supporting me I'm sure this has been done but it got a chuckle out of me Edit wow, I wasn't expecting an award","Thank you kind stranger" +"I bought a new Superman visor","I guess you could call me a supervisor" +"Went out this morning to catch some fog","Mist" +"After returning from the eye doctor, my dad started chugging milk straight from the carton","When asked why, he said, “The doctor told me I don’t need glasses" +"All my exes live in Texas","Funny enough, so do all my cousins" +"You hear about that new pirate movie that's comin out","It's rated ARRRRRRRRRRRRR" +"I went to buy some. Vietnamese soup for dinner. Sadly, when. I got to the front of the line","I pho ga my order" +"I could never work an early shift at a funeral home","I'm just not a mourning person" +"I want to file a lawsuit against U2, but I am finding it impossible to hire a lawyer","Either they charge a lot of money, or they are pro bono" +"What do you call two guys above a window","Kurt & Rod" +"Wings My dad while eating wings: man, I've never had buffalo wings before. Me: what. your eating some buffalo wings right now. Dad: no these are chicken wings you idiot","I've never had buffalo wings before" +"Of all the things I learned while in grade school","I never thought trying to avoid cooties would be the most useful thing at this stage of my life" +"My dog stepped in blue paint with two of his paws","Hairy pupper and the half-blued prints." +"My wife asked me to hand her chapstick and I accidentally handed her glue","She still isn't talking to me" +"So my sister was telling my dad about her dream to be an astronaut","He got a slight grin on his face and said “I prefer being in gravity, it really keeps me grounded.”" +"Never trust a cat-","They might be lion." +"A Dad joke that my 8 year old daughter made up. Q: Who protects you from bad guys and doesn't work very hard","A: Po-least-men" +"I believe that venison made from female deer should be classed as a form of bread","After all, it's cooked doe" +"My dad helping me with an English paper. Last night my Dad was helping me with an essay for school. After I went to bed, he decided he would be nice and type/print it for me. When he handed it to me this morning, I said Thanks, Dad. But it's supposed to be a rough draft. He promptly walked out to the garage with my essay and came back 2 minutes later holding it and a piece of sandpaper","Here Honey, have a good day at school" +"My favourite joke: Now Hiring A dog sees a Now hiring poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads: Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer. &#x200B; The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter, and leaves the room. &#x200B; 30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter. Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program. he asks himself. &#x200B; 20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running Hello, world program. He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well. you're a dog. The dog nudges the words We are an equal opportunity employer. on the poster, and the manager sighs. There's no way you're bilingual","&#x200B; The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, Meow" +"I asked my buddy if he wanted to leave his yoga class early","He said, namaste" +"RIP Boiling water","You will be mist" +"Did you know Sean Connery has a special account for buying razors","It's his shavings account" +"I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of. Sprite. I wasn't untill. I got home. I realised that","I picked 7-up" +"Hey Dad, have you seen any water fountains around. I'm thirsty. #*** HI THIRSTY, I'M FRIDAY. COME ON OVER SATURDAY AND WE'LL HAVE A SUNDAE. *** Come on Dad, you said it every fucking time and I didn't even get this one until I was like 14","All I wanted was some water, but no, you've gotta be an asshole about it" +"I'll never date another apostrophe","the last one was too possessive" +"How far can a mango,","If he's got a license but doesn't avocado ?" +"There are a couple of points I'd like to add here . +","=" +"I have a medical condition where I was made upside down","My nose runs and my feet smell" +"What do you call a pear in a compressor","Pear pressure" +"I carried an egg around in my pocket for 3 days before it broke","I'm just glad it's ova" +"What's the first thing you smell on a French dairy farm","dairy air" +"Therapist: Your wife has complained you never buy her flowers, what do you have to say to that","Well, in my defense, I never knew she sold flowers" +"My dad cracked himself up pretty good with this one My dad and I talking about some statistic Me- You need to just look at the data. Dad- Day-tuh. (correcting my pronunciation which he does any chance he can get) Me- Data. Dad- No, I'm dada","Groans shared by his girlfriend and I while he cracks up" +"To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket","You can hide, but you can't run" +"How much does a pirate charge for ear piercings","A buck an ear" +"I fixed the vacuum I fixed the vacuum today. It works great now, but it really sucks I went over to my dads house today and he told me this joke right before i went home","I thought it was funny and worth sharing" +"What's Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable","Barackoli" +"After all these years, my wife still thinks I’m sexy","Every time I wake by she says, “What an Ass" +"I fixed my side mirror https://i. redd. it/ychyja3kw09y","png" +"My dad told me not to spell part backwards","It was a trap..." +"My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions","But don't worry, I'll return" +"European languages in class 13 year old, trying to be funny: Doesn't oui, oui in French mean I have to go to the bathroom. (nobody laughs) Me: sounds like you need to brush up on your European languages. (over pronounced you're - a - peein' ) Everybody but the kid laughed. someone had to explain it to him","It was great" +"Someone walked up to me and said Hey, you want to join the Nhilist's club","I might have, but I just didn't see the point in it" +"What do you call a sheep with no legs","A cloud" +"Reminder: You now all have the opportunity to use one of the oldest dad jokes in the book - I haven't _______ all year. Examples: * I haven't seen you all year. * I haven't eaten all year * I haven't slept all year And variants thereof","Happy New Year :)" +"Got my friends a great one if I say so myself We were discussing our entries into a marathon and talking about the fact that you had to nominate a charity to run for. One of the girls said, 'I didn't pick one, I just typed in N/A. ' 'Funny, that already is a charity. ' *quizzical look* 'The National Stroke Association","' Groans all round" +"My dad just walked in on me while. I was flossing my teeth. He said oh,. I didn't know you were a","Flossipher!" +"So I had a physical the other day After the checkup, my doctor recommended I up my coffee intake to two pots a day, eat more saturated fats, and start smoking","I'm beginning to suspect he knows about me and his wife" +"I was cracking up. tough crowd though. Son (age 5): I don't want scrambled eggs for breakfast. Me: What do you mean. You love scrambled eggs. Son: I used to like them more but we've had them so much I don't like them anymore. Me: Sounds like you're having. an egg-sistential crisis. Son: . what","Me: Never mind, eat your eggs" +"Did you hear about the pasta chef who went bankrupt","He suddenly found himself penneless" +"Justice is a dish best served cold","If it were served warm it would be justwater." +"Which insect beats the ant for the title of the hardest working. Flies","They’re always on duty" +"What would the world be like without left-handed people","Eh, it would be all right" +"What did the DJs say to the farmer","Lettuce turnip our beets" +"I have a fear of french pancakes","They give me the crepes" +"How did the new doggy daddy feel. Tired","He had a ruff night" +"The first time I got a universal remote controller, I thought to myself","This changes everything" +"My boss said to me, “you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year","I said, “I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track" +"How much does a pirate pay for ear piercings","A buck an ear" +"What did the Dalai Lama say to the hot dog vendor","Make me one with everything" +"What do you call a Russian baker","Vladimir Gluten" +"I dont usually tell dad jokes, but when i do","He laughs" +"Why was covid not allowed into a bar","Cus covid 19" +"Seriously, children are not allowed in this thread","No kid in!!!" +"“Dad, we’re out of protein powder. ” Dad: “Are you sure. ” Me: “Yeah, check the bin. ” Dad: “There’s no whey","” Me:" +"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face. Rhino","We know you know the answer, but it's not your turn Scooby" +"Is Wonder Woman from the Middle East","Because she Israeli hawt" +"A mathematician comes home drunk at 3 AM. His wife: Hey, you promised to be in by 1145. What the hell happened","Him: No, I told you I’ll be home by a quarter of twelve" +"Why wouldn't the hipster swim in the river","It was too main stream" +"What do you call someone with no arms or legs","Names" +"What does Santa Claus use a mod operator for","To find his remain-deer ;o)" +"I gave a flat battery away today","Free of charge" +"I have a problem with remembering mental notes, so I came up with a solution","If only I could remember what it was" +"My wife found a Frozen claw machine. (OC) [My wife found a Frozen claw machine. ](https://youtu","be/RLTbGS-9lEQ)" +"Following a nice family lunch a buffet. Mom: Did you guys eat well. My brother and me: Yes. Dad: So how does well taste","I'll admit, I laughed" +"When Qui-Gon-Jin went shopping at Darth mall guess what he got","Half Off" +"dammit dad. Called the old man earlier today. Hey could you buy something for me today. no huh. why not. I'm pretty sure something is sold out today *click* Goddamit","" +"Martial arts humor A spear and a bo staff were debating who was the most useful weapon","After several minutes of going back and forth, the spear finally says, look, despite what you say, I just don't see your point" +"Did you hear about that Mexican train thief","He had loco motives" +"Saw a poster that said, Have you seen my cat","So I called the number to tell them that No, I haven't" +"Did you hear about the guy who was addicted to soap","Don't worry, he's clean now 😊" +"The shovel","was a groundbreaking invention" +"Why did the banana go to the doctor","It wasn't peeling good" +"Tech tip: It’s dangerous to download “Come Sail Away” or “Satisfaction” on ITunes. “Turn, Turn, Turn” is perfectly fine however","Styx and Stones may break your phones, but the Byrds will never hurt you" +"Rosa. Parks","But can she drive?" +"Kitten Me GF got me while discussing the name Kitten. Me: Do you know anyone with the name Kitten. GF: No, but sounds like a stripper name. Me: What would her last name be. GF: Me. Me: wut. GF: You don't understand. You've got to be kitten me","Edit: formatting" +"I heard that. Rick. Astley will lend you any title from his collection of. Pixar movies except one. He's never gonna give you Up","Courtesy of my dad, of course" +"My friend asked me to help him rob a bakery","I was nervous, but he said it'd be a whisk worth taking." +"The naan at this Indian restaurant is a little weird. It's ok","It's a naan-issue" +"Yesterday. I ran over a rock that was 1 mile across","What a milestone" +"A woman named Madi has a son that is really interested in gardening. One day, he asks his mother if he can start growing some plants. I'm sorry son, but we live in an apartment and just don't have the space , said Madi. The child was disappointed, and sulked away to his room. The next day, he talked to his best friend Max about it. Upon hearing about it, his friend snapped his fingers and said, Hey, I know what you can do. My dad has tons of space in our yard. I'm sure he'd let you make a garden there. And you live close by so you can check on it after school every day. And so the boy was allowed by his friend's father to start a garden. He took charge of all the aspects of the project; he insisted on the exact measurements and materials, and even that all the sides should be the same length. Like clockwork he visited it each day after school, watered the plants and picked any weeds. The garden was his pride and joy. All was well with the garden, until one day when Max's cousins came to visit all the way from Albany. Oddly enough, they were twins whose names were Nicholas and Nick. They were quite the handfuls, and Max knew it well. He was worried about his best friend's garden; he knew that they would surely ruin it given the chance. He knew as long as he was around he could prevent it, but he could not watch them the whole time they were there. He asked his dad, Please watch those two if they are in the back yard. I don't want them near my friend's garden. Max's father knew how much the garden meant to Madi's child, so he agreed. Well unfortunately there came a time where nobody was watching the twins. Max was upstairs doing homework, and his father was checking on dinner in the oven. Quickly realizing his mistake, he dashed to the screen door and saw the twins jumping around on the plants. He shouted to Max, MAX","THE NEW YORK NICKS ARE PLAYING IN MADI'S SON'S SQUARE GARDEN" +"What's a paedophiles favourite shoes","White vans" +"Why does everyone love pickles Because they are dillicious","Zesty enough for ya’" +"There is a wizard who terrorizes libraries by ripping pages out of books","His evil knows no bounds" +"Worlds first. ATM turned 50 today","I gave it a card" +"I never did care for the old Chinese woman that lives down the street","But I must respect the elder Lee" +"Me: I’m here to see the doctor. Receptionist: Which doctor","Me: No, just a regular doctor will do" +"I'm not a father, nor will I ever be, but this weekend I think I made dads everywhere proud. I unknowingly sat on a pile of cheezits on Saturday at my cousin's graduation. When I stood up to wipe my butt off, I discovered my error and loudly exclaimed, Oh, no wonder I was feeling so *crumby*. My whole family groaned, but this one woman sitting behind me laughed and said, Good one","It was a proud moment for me" +"Our maintenance guy lost his legs on the job,","Now he’s just a handyman." +"124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe Dad, did you get a haircut. No I got them all cut. What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car. Carlos. Dad, can you put my shoes on. No, I don’t think they’ll fit me. Can I watch the TV. Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on. I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy. What do you call a fake noodle. An Impasta. You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. “Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is. it’ll feel better when it quits hurting. '” What’s brown and sticky. A stick. Want to hear a joke about paper. Nevermind it’s tearable. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon. Great food, no atmosphere. “I’ll call you later. ”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad. ” Q: Why did the cookie cry. A: Because his father was a wafer so long. What did the mountain climber name his son. Cliff. This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there. “My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers. They say he made a mint. ’” “Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton. ’” I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball. If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental. ” I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be. How many apples grow on a tree. All of them. How does a penguin build it’s house. Igloos it together. “Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich. ’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich. ’” “I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there A steak pun is a rare medium well done. “How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl. They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles. ” Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it “What’s Forrest Gump’s password. 1forrest1” The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it. I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake. ” I said: “No, it’s a math problem. ” I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me. I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks. Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip. I was heels over head. I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying. Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees. Because they’re so good at it. Where did the one-legged waitress work. IHOP. What happened when the two antennas got married. Well, the ceremony was kinda boring, but the reception was great. What did one snowman say to the other one. “Do you smell carrots. ” How do you make a tissue dance. You put a little boogie in it. Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice container. It said concentrate. If your nose runs and your feet smell, you are built upside down. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any. Q: How do you organize an outer space party. A: You planet. Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it. A: A waist of time. What kind of shoes does a thief wear. Sneakers A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything. ” An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel. Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar. He got 12 months. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs. ” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t I’ve cut off your arms. ” Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk. The stock market. What did the ocean say to the shore. Nothing, it just waved. “What’s ET short for. Because he’s only got little legs. ” Why do crabs never give to charity. Because they’re shellfish. What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe. Roberto “What do you call a man with no nose and no body. Nobody nose. ” I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems. What do you call a fish with no eyes. A fshhhh. “What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door. Matt. ” My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well. I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea. Without geometry life is pointless. A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here. ” I gave all my dead batteries away today… Free of charge. I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. I am terrified of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them. What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland. Well, the flag is a big plus. Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight. Because it was well armed. A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean. Apparently the survivors are marooned. I’ve deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone. Now it’s Hans free. Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV. Q: What did daddy spider say to baby spider. A: You spend too much time on the web. How much does a hipster weigh. An instagram. What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments. An Orca-stra. Why was the big cat disqualified from the race. Because it was a cheetah. Bicycles can’t stand on their own, they’re two tired. Just watched a documentary about beavers… It was the best damn program I’ve ever seen. Breaking news. Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery “How do you make holy water. You boil the hell out of it. ” A Sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve food here” “Doctor, I’ve broken my arm in several places” Doctor “Well don’t go to those places. ” I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already. “Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water. Because he was a little horse. ” There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation. Slept like a log last night … woke up in the fireplace. “We were getting fast food when the lady at the window said, ‘Any condiments. ’ My dad responded, ‘Compliments. You look very nice today. ’” What cheese can never be yours. Nacho cheese. A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other one off. I’m reading a book on the history of glue – can’t put it down. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It’s fine, he woke up. I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu. What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato. A: catch up. Q: What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe. A: 400 Million Dollars. Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn. A: Where’s popcorn. What do you call a cow with no legs. Ground beef. What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school. Bison. So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says “Give me some chap-stick… and put it on my bill” Why did the scarecrow win an award. Because he was outstanding in his field. Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road. To go with the traffic jam. Why does a chicken coop only have two doors. Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan. Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay. Because then they’d be bay-gulls. “Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted. ” What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you. Pull the pin and throw it back. How do you make a hankie dance. Put a little boogie in it. Where does batman go to the bathroom. The batroom. What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant. About 5000 miles I’m on a seafood diet… I see food and I eat it. A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips. The barman replies “sorry mate we only do plain” : Commissar. Commissar. The troops are revolting. Commissar: Well, you’re pretty repulsive yourself. What do you call a sheep with no legs. A cloud. I knew I shouldn’t have ate that seafood. Because now I’m feeling a little… Eel What did the 0 say to the 8. Nice belt. Why are skeletons so calm. Because nothing gets under their skin. Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating. Because they have nobody to go with. Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water. Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat. Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane. They mostly wrap. What kind of magic do cows believe in. MOODOO. Why does Superman gets invited to dinners. Because he is a Supperhero. “Hold on, I have something in my shoe” “I’m pretty sure it’s a foot” Dad I’m hungry … “Hi hungry” I’m dad When phone ringing Dad says ‘If it’s for me don’t answer it. “I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, ‘You. ’” Where’s the bin","Dad: I haven’t been anywhere" +"Sometimes I wish my name was Joseph King. Name's Joseph King. Whenever somebody asks me, Are you joking","I tell 'em, Yeah" +"Sometimes I'll write the setup for a really good pun but just get bored and give up","I've been accused of being a deadbeat dad-joker" +"What did the cat say when it fell off it’s bike. Me","Ow" +"I wanted to buy camouflage pants. But","I couldn’t find any." +"What do you call a pile of kittens","A meowntain" +"How doea Jesus make his coffee","Hebrews it" +"Never look down","Because you’d always be looking at defeat." +"Did you hear oxygen and magnesium are dating. [OMg. ](https://youtu. be/9WzVMZunzaM","t=25s)" +"What is the most hated pie in the world","Ajit" +"After 20 years of working on it, I finally finished my physics book","It was about time" +"Someone asked me if Chris Hemsworth plays a villain in the Avengers movies. I said no","Thor, he's a jolly good fellow" +"What do you call a mythical creature with a cold","Achoopacabra" +"Girlfriend surprised me at the bar Girlfriend and I were waiting for our beers. When the waitress shows up she accidentally spills some beer on me and starts to apologize about it. Upon cleaning the spilled beer she tells me I'm so sorry. I'll make sure this beer is on me and give you the next beer on me too. Girlfriend quickly turns to the waitress and says No, this beer is on him. Girlfriend starts laughing hysterically then looks me dead in the eye and proudly says I got you","I think I got myself a winner" +"I got a 95 on my AP Psychology Test Me: Hey dad, I got a 95 on my Psychology Test. Dad: I bet you were pretty psyched","Me: *groans*" +"What do you call a cow with epilepsy","Beef Jerky" +"Our dad was in the hospital and they asked us his blood type but we couldn’t remember and he didn’t make it","As he died, he kept insisting for us to be positive, but it's hard without him" +"My mailman got a sex change","I guess you'd call him a post-man now" +"Eating too much cake is gluttony, but eating too much pie isn’t a sin","Because sin pi is always zero" +"Looking for a place to eat. Me: What about this shopping center. Its got a Waffle House, a sushi place, a burger place and a Verizon wireless. Wife: What would we get at the Verizon store. Me: Not alot. They charge by the byte","Groans were had, but I couldn't stop smiling for the rest of lunch" +"I didn't worry much when my parachute didn't open","I didn't understand the gravity of the situation" +"My dad got me at the adoption center So we (my sister Shannen, my girlfriend Kallie, and my dad) are adopting a dog today and we are waiting in line for the centert to open. Shannen: I hear they have a bunch of pit bull mixes. Me: Do you guys want a pit bull. Kallie: Pit Bulls are super sweet, it just depends on how they're raised Dad: I don't know","I don't really like his music" +"Stamp collecting A few days ago, I was with family and Aunt #1 was showing me a book about antique stamps for collectors and the many thousands of dollars some of them cost. When she talked about her stamp collection, I said That's a sticky habit. Aunt #2 groaned and said, What are you. Uncle R (her husband). A few minutes later, I told her, It's okay. You can address your resentment of stamp-related puns to me. I'm not afraid. [*walking to edge of the room*] I can take a licking right here in this corner if I have to","C'mon, go postal on me" +"I never pay attention to Freudian slips","It goes in one ear, and out the mother" +"My dad jokes are so lame","I wonder, could even a grizzly bear it" +"[To someone with ripped jeans] Did you go to church in those jeans","Because they’re really holy" +"What do you call a accident that made a big difference in mommy and I’s life","son" +"Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac","He stayed up all night wondering if dog exists" +"Accidentally gave my girlfriend a gluestick instead of chapstick","She still isn't talking to me" +"A blind woman was giving a handjob. A blind woman is giving a guy a handie She says “You’re huge","” The man replied, “Nah, you’re just pulling my leg”" +"An American and an Italian are in an aquarium. The American says, hey, what kind of eel is that","The Italian replies, that's a moray" +"R.I.P. water","You will be mist" +"What’s the best thing to wear for a court","A lawsuit" +"If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring","Pilgrims" +"My son said he is marrying his girlfriend, who is a tailor","Well, she does suit him" +"What did the cannibal's wife do when he came home late for dinner","She gave him the cold shoulder" +"I used to have a job collecting leaves","I was raking it in" +"I walked into a bookshop and said to the girl behind the counter, I'm looking for a book by Shakespeare. Which one. she asked","I replied, William" +"After buying a new. TV. Dad: Yeah, the dog can even use the","TV remote, it has a *paws* button." +"REQUEST: ambulance/paramedic related jokes Okay so I don’t really know if I’m allowed to request specific dad jokes but my lame ass friend is joining the ambulance service and I need some puns to write on a card for him","I don’t know where else to turn to for high low quality jokes" +"I don't think I have to change my name","But Justin Case" +"If im ever sent to jail im going to rename myself. Mitochondria. This is to let people know","I'm the powerhouse of the cell" +"Please don't make fun of one legged pirates","They won't ever find that humerus" +"It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad","It's a faux pa" +"I have a weird feeling that there’s something wrong with my Braille book","I can’t quite put my finger on it" +"Whoever came up with the number 0 Thanks for nothin","Ill show myself out" +"We're having some tree surgeons take town some trees at our new house. I asked my dad When are the tree fellers coming. He replied Monday, but I'm not sure if it'll be tree fellers, there might be four. He said it with a stone-cold serious tone, whilst poking around on his ipad","The best sort of delivery for that sort of joke" +"My friend told me he was registered at. Buy. Buy. Baby [NSFW]","I told him that was a weird name for an abortion clinic" +"My wife yelled at me, telling me to put the toilet seat down","Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place" +"This is a long one but I promise it’s worth the read. Ok so first off I need to introduce our two characters, let’s call them Frank and Bill. So one day Frank and Bill are at the zoo for a day out, they are happily exploring and merrily staring at the many creatures. Then they come to a set of doors with a big banner above them, it reads “Come Inside And See Our New Amazing Pink Gorilla. ” Naturally Frank and Bill are intrigued and want to see this wonderful animal, so they enter the doors and find a crowd of people huddled next to the bars of the enclosure. Frank tries to look round them but can’t see anything let alone a pink gorilla. So Bill suggests they try and make they’re way through the crowd, it takes a while but eventually they manage to squeeze through so they are right next to the bars. They are greeted with the sight of a truly giant, truly epic and truly pink gorilla. sleeping, fast asleep against the bars of the enclosure. Now Bill isn’t satisfied with this “it won’t make a good picture will it. ” He complains, and without even a moment to hesitate or think, he sticks his finger through the bars and pokes the sleeping beast, hard. Nothing happened for a moment but then the gorilla got up and turned round to look Bill in the eye. The gorillas face went from happy-neutral to full blown rage. It started screaming and beating its chest, it through logs and toys around, then it stopped. It walked over the bars and wrapped its hands around the two directly in front of Frank and Bill. Then it started to pull, no one moved, they were standing with mouths open as this pink primate pulled and pulled on these bars. Eventually it started to bend, “Surely not” thought Frank. But the bars kept bending and people started running. Frank and Bill turned and ran, they made it to the doors and then the pink gorilla made it out of its cage and started to chase them. All through the zoo they ran, past the lions, past the ticket booth, straight back to the old broken car they’d arrived in. As quick as they could they drove away from the zoo, but the gorilla didn’t stop. It bounded and leaped after them, keeping pace with the car all the way back to their house. “We’ve got to get out of here” yelled Bill. “I’ve got an idea” replied Frank He drove straight past the house and all the way to the airport. By the time they arrived they had gained a bit of distance in front of the pink gorilla. They bought a ticket for the first plane they could, it was going to Canada, by the time they’d got to Vancouver they had calmed down. They got off the plane and started to walk towards the airport, but then another plane landed next to their own. A few people came out, then a few screaming people came out, then out came this enraged pink gorilla. “Oh no” said Bill. They ran through the airport and rented a small car, they drove to the motorway and sped as fast as they could. Frank looked in his mirror and saw a very confusing sight indeed, a pink gorilla, driving behind them, in a pink Ferrari. Confused and terrified Frank turned the car up a road that happened to lead to a ski resort. They entered the resort as quick as they could, rented some skis and boarded the chair lift. The gorilla followed from beneath, running up the whole mountain. At the top they were left with only one option, they had to get far away, so they started to ski down the mountain. As they went, Frank glances behind him and say this gorilla, on a snowboard doing tricks and flips. “What is going on” he said to himself. Unfortunately neither Bill nor Frank had spent any real time skiing before, so it wasn’t long before they crashed. As they rolled to a stop, they looked up and saw the pink gorilla towering above them. “This is is Frank he’s got us now” Bill whispered Slowly the gorilla reached out and savagely. poked Bill in the chest. In a state of utter confusion Bill looked up at the gorilla, then it spoke. “You’re it” said the gorilla","Then he turned and fled" +"My daughter will be a good dad someday Stopped at the grocery store last night. My teen daughter always picks out the apples (so we know we get ones she likes). When she grabbed one from the middle of the bin, a few on the top rolled to the bottom. She briefly panicked, then turned to me and says whew","I almost caused an apple-anche" +"Why can’t a Dog operate a M. I Machine","I don’t know, But Cats can" +"My friend says. I look better without glasses. But honestly,","I can’t look without them at all!" +"What’s orange and sounds like a parrot","A carrot" +"The endless dadjoke Last night, my daughter and I: Her: I'm cold, dad. Me: No, I'm cold dad, you're cold Elizabeth. Her: Dad, stop it. I'm cold, dad. Me: No, I'm cold dad, you're cold Elizabeth. Her: Daaaad. I'm cold, dad. Me: I think what you want to say is Dad, I'm cold. ' Her: Dad, I'm cold. Me: Hi cold, I'm Dad. Her: DAD NO","**Edit**: Oh god the formatting was horrible, sorry about that" +"Apple should stop calling errors bugs and starts calling them worms","&#x200B;" +"Why is it hard to find a leopard in Africa","They don't want to be spotted" +"What do you call a boat with an erection","A hardship" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping","Don’t worry he woke up" +"Parents being lovey dovey at a restaurant, tell my dad to get a room A room","Heck we have a whole house The dad at the table behind him lost it" +"Why did the hipster burn his tongue","Because he ate the pizza before it was cool 😎" +"What does that say. It's been about a year since my dad passed away unexpectedly. The grief hits me in weird waves sometimes, but one of the things that ALWAYS brings a smile to my face is a joke he kept going for YEARS. It started in line at Costco years and years ago: Dad: [pointing over to a sign in the pharmacy] What does that say. Me: Hearing aids. Dad: What. Me: HEARING AIDS Dad: WHAT. A year or so later, at a charity event banquet, a police officer was speaking. Officer: . these funds have helped cover numerous medical expenses for those in need, including vision tests, hearing aids. Dad: [leans over to me] What did he say. Me: [whispers] Hearing aids. Dad: What. Me: Hearing aids. Then we both burst out laughing and had to keep it together at this fancy dinner. My dad did this for YEARS. And was masterful at waiting JUST long enough so that I had forgotten the joke and would fall for it every time","It was basically a years-long dad-joke ambush" +"Two fish are in a tank","The one says to the other, “How do you drive this" +"Dadjoked the girlfriend at breakfast. I was struggling to open a package of smoked salmon. Gf - You can't get it open. Me - not without the key. Gf - what key","Me - the key for these lox" +"Most people don't realise how mountains are made","Let me summit up for you." +"You will always remember this day as the happiest day of your life. But the wedding isn't until tomorrow, dad","I know son" +"Grandpa: I hope this rain keeps up. Me: Why","Grandpa: So it don't come down" +"What do you call a sarcastic proctologist","A smart ass doctor" +"A woman is on trial for aggravated murder, for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The Magistrate said, 'First offender. ' She was unrepentant and replied: '*No, first a Gibson","Then a Fender*" +"I never knew how possessive Time was","So many ours" +"As. I suspected someone’s been adding soil to my garden","The plot thickens" +"What is the name of the jail that broke actors are taken to","The nickle-less cage" +"What did the tree say to the squirrel","Leaf me alone" +"What’s an artist’s favorite dessert","Michelan-jello :-)" +"What’s the difference between a boner and a bonus","You don���t have to beg your wife to blow your bonus" +"I told my wife “You can’t spell awesome without me,” she disagreed","I said “Well then, go ahead” “A-W-E— wait what’s the next letter?”" +"My gym just got a new machine today, it has everything","Twix, snickers, malteasers, the list goes on" +"What do you call a sketchy Italian neighborhood","The Spaghetto" +"What's the next part of the pattern. Cat 1 Cat 2 Cat 3 Cat 4 What comes next","Ethernet" +"Best dad joke I've ever heard. I was at a music festival called rocklahoma last night and due to tornado activity and such, they temporarily shut it down. This man was there with his son and he spit out the best line. His son asked what, are they scared of a little rain. The dad replied with, nah they just don't want to rust","You know they are metal bands after all" +"My whole family gets diarrhea","My dad says it's because it runs in the jeans" +"And I'm not even a dad. Girlfriend: Am I in the right lane. Me: No you are in the left lane","Girlfriend: 0___0 Me: *passing out from laughing*" +"When. I was younger. I worked in a shoe recycling shop","It was sole destroying" +"[NSFW] I just learned how to swallow a string and tie it up inside my stomach","I shit you knot" +"Kids both laughed, wife just sighed. my job is done Our boys got bags with new toothbrushes and stuff from their dentist visit. Out oldest looked inside and said hey, it cane with floss","Without looking up from the TV, I blurted out that's floss-some" +"Why can’t ones go outside today","Because it’s 2s ‘s day" +"I love the way the world spins","It really makes my day" +"Heard this from a wise old man at the barbershop. Was getting my haircut, and the older gentleman in the chair next to me was complaining about service nowadays, saying it wasn't like it used to be. He said, My wife and I went out to eat last week, and at one point I needed to use the restroom. So I went in there, used the facilities, and as I was wrapping up, I saw a sign that said 'Employees must wash hands. ' I waited for damn near 15 minutes, and no one even showed up, so I grabbed my wife and got the hell out of there","" +"Spock actually had three ears","A left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear" +"Lifeguards are sad to report the drowning of a hippie last night","He was too far out, man" +"Dad's really proud of this one. What do you call a group of barbies lining up for a sausage","A Barbiequeue" +"A Canadian, an American, and a Mexcian walk into a bar. The bartender takes a good look at them","And asks, what is this some kind of joke" +"A pessimist has a glass that’s half empty, an optimist has a glass that’s half full","An optometrist just sees a pair of glasses" +"My daughter is crazy about female deer","You could say she's a doe nut." +"My wife asked me, “Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled","” I said, “No, I think most kids smell that way" +"It's only midnight Me: Hahaha no it isn't Him: What does the clock say Me: The clock doesn't say anything Him: Did it get reset or something . [pause]","jesus christ" +"What do you call the cast of a spelling bee","bee-witched" +"Thank god they invented shampoo","Imagine having to wash your hair with real poo" +"Which chemical liquid would destroy bacteria in a rap battle","Dissingfectant" +"With the World Cup in Full Swing I texted my 13 year old nephew about tonight USA v. Ghana game. Do you think we're Ghana win. Are they ghana give us a chance","He was not amused" +"Did you blow bubbles as a kid. Well, of course I did. Well, he's back in town and wants your number","My dad told this joke to me for the first time when I was like 10" +"To whomever stole my Microsoft Office, I will find you","You have my Word" +"While my wife and her dad were working on a huge 3D puzzle","Wife, having trouble finding a piece - I was really on a roll there for a while, now I feel like I'm - Her dad - more of a Danish" +"Peter Dinklage turned 51 today","It's been fun watching Dinkl age" +"Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth","Then it becomes a soap opera" +"Did you hear about the drug dealer who ran out of pot","He gruesome" +"Can't drink during the job","Let's get this sober with" +"What do South-Koreans have that North-koreans don't","A Seoul" +"Got my 8 y/o daughter with this While eating calimari, I asked her, Do you like the round ones or the tentacles","I like tentacles I proceeded to give her ten tickles" +"Yesterday a man attacked me with milk and cheese","How dairy" +"What did the cell say to his sister cell that stepped on his toe","Mitosis" +"My son told me he will never eat hallowe'en pancakes again","I ask him why and he responds haunted French pancakes give me the crepes" +"[At the wedding] Priest: Repeat after me. Groom: After me. Priest, looking at bride: Is he serious","Bride: No, his name is Mike" +"I went to a music store to go Chopin, but I forgot my Liszt","So I decided to just go Bach home" +"Got my daughter this morning. She's our first child; my fiancée and","I are so happy!" +"What do you call a small mother","A minimum" +"I told my friend, “You should take care of your athlete’s foot","” He said, “That’s what makes me a fun guy" +"Turns out all my exes had COVID for years","No taste" +"Did you hear about the art restorer who went to prison","He was convicted of Monet laundering" +"I can cut down a tree just by looking at it","It's true, I saw it with my own eyes" +"There’s been a report of a hole in the fence at a nudist colony","Police are looking into it" +"What do you call a religious dad joke","Prophetic" +"what's the difference between a hippo and a zippo. one is quite heavy","the other is a little lighter" +"I've been dating this bridge for around a year now,. I really don't love her anymore, but","I cantilever." +"How did Vader know what Luke got him for father's day","He could feel his presents" +"Why did my crazy Aunt jump into the river in Paris. I don't know if she's insane, but she's in Seine","" +"My daughter caught me reading one of those coupon newsletters they send from the local grocery store. Her: Why are you reading junk mail. Me: It's not, they have real news in here too. Her: No they don't. Me: They sure do. I was just reading about a hitman who killed 3 people. He must not have liked them much, because he did it for only $1. Her: Nuh-uh, you're totally lying. Me: Nope, looks like the hitman was named was Arty. He choked them to death apparently. Her: Let me see","So I showed her the section I was reading: ARTICHOKES 3 FOR $1" +"Two drunk guys were fighting. One of them drew a line in the dirt, and said if the other crossed it they would punch them in the face","That was the punchline" +"Today is my birthday. I've worn a nice outfit today. My friends have been wishing me a happy birthday, then asking what the suit was for","I respond, It's my birthday suit" +"Why is it better to bring dogs into space than cats","Because you don't have to worry about any cat-astro-fees" +"I like telling Dad jokes","Sometimes he laughs" +"Wife leaving town for a few days. I found the key to a good joke I was hanging my car keys on the key hook for the night. My wife, leaving town for a few days says: I remembered to leave the mail key on the hook Me: that's good, the female key was getting lonely. Not even a smirk from her","I made myself snicker out loud" +"Got my wife this morning Wife: (while watching birds) They're either mating or fighting, I can't tell which. Me: They must be married","I'm sure you can imagine the look I received" +"My tailor loves to fix my pants","Or at least sew its seams." +"Went to my first Star Wars convention dressed as Chewbacca. I was expecting to be unique but there were a lot of Chewbaccas","Guess that was a Wookie mistake" +"Did you hear Smeagol got a job at a newspaper. He's a Gollumnist. Told my family this. All of them groaned","Except for my dad" +"If my name was Travis, I would get a tee shirt and put my name across the chest","It would be a travesty" +"Got the wife pretty good My wife was rubbing my back when she said Oh, I love your bare skin","I turn to her, lean in and softly whisper I love your *human* skin" +"I decided I was going to build a boat out of used soda bottles","I'm going to call it a liter ship" +"An actress just killed herself. DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my. Who. DAD: Uh, I can't remember. I think her name was Reese something. MOM: WITHERSPOON","DAD: No, it was with a knife" +"Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France","They were cooked in Greece" +"What's a fish's favorite topic of conversation","Current events" +"Me:How do you watch the star wars movies. Dad: Well I sit on my couch and I turn on the tv put in the disk- Me: No dad, what order. Dad: Usually pizza, sometimes Chinese food","Me: omfg" +"Wife: How are you liking longer hair","Me: It's growing on me" +"Heard this one at a temple in my city Yesterday I was at a Thai Buddhist temple in my city. The secondary meditation instructor was just chatting with the group a bit before things began. He was explaining to me that on Sundays the temple has language classes. Someone else asked if he spoke Thai, he then explained to us that he didn't complete all the courses and considers himself. A Thai School Drop out. I laughed so much harder than I should have at this, mainly because I had been trying to think of some dadjokes earlier that day","Universe provided" +"What do you call an introverted salesman","Poor" +"Scuba diving Wife an I are watching a nature show and they are about to make a dive. Me: Do you know why Scuba Diver's have to fall backwards out of the boat. Her:No why. Me: if they fell forward they would fall into the boat. Her: wha. oh damnit","That was terrible" +"Why does France put all of its crazy people in the river","Because they’re in Seine" +"Doctor, I broke my arm in several places","Doctor: Well, don't go to those places" +"What is the most victorious season","(My 11 year old daughter thought of this) Winter" +"Cosmetic Dadjoke I was blathering on about eyeshadow to my mother and I said that I know way too much about makeup. She says it certainly seems that way. Dad: Don't believe a word she says, she's just making it up","OH, DAD" +"I saw a burglar trying to kick in his own door, so I asked “What the hell are you doing","” He said, “Like everyone else, I’m working from home" +"I always think my thumb is on the left side","On the other hand, it might be on the right" +"I finally figured out why communists are so vulgar","it's because they have no class" +"Grandfather dadjoking the waiter. This is a story my grandfather used to tell all the time that perfectly exemplifies his humor. It took place when he was at a restaurant in London and the waiter came to take his drink order. 'I'll have a dry martini, no olive or twist,' he orders. 'Do you know what we call that in America. ' 'What's that. ' says the waiter. 'A Dickens. ' 'Very subtle, sir","' And the waiter shuffled off leaving my grandfather chuckling to himself" +"What do y– Aw, crap. I had a really great boomerang joke","Whatever, it'll come back to me" +"I identify as an invisible father","I'm trans-parent" +"Why does the man want to buy nine rackets","Cause tennis too many" +"My dad told me to come look at his receding hairline tie . He then showed me a necktie covered in pictures of hares in lines. http://imgur","com/d407dB2" +"Wouldn't snails move faster if they just took off their shells","Well, actually, it would make them more sluggish" +"What do you call a tornado moving over a freshly fertilized farm field","A shitstorm" +"And the Lord said unto John; Come forth and receive eternal life","But John came fifth and won a toaster" +"Dad Joked the Wife the Other Day We were driving down the free way when we saw a car from Illinois. >Her: Do you suppose it makes them mad when you pronounce the 's'. >Me: I bet it ill-annoys them I was quite proud of myself","She didn't find it that funny" +"What's a dad's favorite snack","Pop-corn" +"A circle went into a coma","Don't worry, it's come around now" +"Greggs is stockpiling sausage meat in case of a no deal brexit","We should now all prepare ourselves for the wurst" +"Sign Language fact of the day","Sign language is the least spoken language in the world" +"My bro doesn't like it when. I call him that","Guess that was the wrong bronoun." +"Why don't nihilists pick mushrooms","They don't believe in morels" +"I successfully crossbred a human and a coffee plant","The first human bean is here" +"My wife is not exactly religious…. She thinks. Noah was married to. Joan of","Ark…" +"I'm going to open a Vietnamese restaurant that caters to the skeptic","I think I'll name it But Pho Real" +"Here's a good circumcision joke","\[removed\]" +"If I were you","You would be spelled yoi" +"I have a friend who teaches Germanic languages. I asked him if he likes those dots that go over certain vowels","He replied, Umm, lots" +"Can ex-wives be dads. I texted my ex-wife this morning. Me: The kids are watching 101 Dalmatians and I just noticed Lucky has a horseshoe on his back. Ex: Yup, always has. Me: I never noticed and I've seen this 100 times. Ex: 100 or 101","Me: Booooo" +"How does a surfer learn how to cook","By using a micro-wave" +"A man tried to sell me a coffin today","I told him that's the last thing I need" +"When I met my wife, she told me she was bi","Turns out she meant bipolar" +"A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. The guy asks, What's this about. The bartender replies, Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it","The guy replies, Nah, the steaks are too high" +"My wife is a metaphorical alchoholic","She wines so much!" +"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh","Ten-tickles" +"Did you hear the one about the cat that got murdered by a Mars rover","Curiosity killed the cat" +"I bought a drum that sounds both painful and pleasant. Cuz it's a. Bittersweet","Tympani" +"A midget just groped me","It was a short squeeze" +"I heard that actress Reese whatshername is in rehab because she is addicted to eating soup. Witherspoon","Dad: I assume so, but nobody knows for sure" +"[Overheard at local restaurant] Customer: What kind of tea do you have","Owner: Capital T, lowercase t, bold, italic," +"I've deleted all the German contacts I know off my phone","Now it's Hans free" +"Have you heard about the new Corduroy Pillow","It's making headlines" +"Art class puns What do you call it when someone mislabels a colour","A false acHUEsation" +"Her: Have you seen my day planner. I can’t seem to find it, and I looked everywhere. Me: It looks like","you have a hidden agenda" +"You know what I hate","People who answer their own questions" +"I hope you're not starved for time [Because with this clock, you can't have seconds. ](http://i. imgur. com/kbl24T8","jpg)" +"Roses are red, violets are blue,. I have multiple personalities. And so do","I" +"At first there were only 25 letters in the alphabet","Nobody knew why" +"Imagine if the Americans started using Kilograms to measure weight","There would be mass confusion" +"I wasn't aware my boyfriend was father material. For clarification, Forest Hill is an elementery school in our town. Anyway, we were driving to go get pho, and I was joking about his sister getting kidnapped because she's on a trip to China. Him: Oh. Speaking of kidnapping, did you hear about the kidnapping at Forest Hill. Me: No. When did that happen. Him: It's okay, he woke up","He kept chuckling pridefully to himself that he came up with that joke for a good ten mintutes" +"Why was 6 afraid of 7","Because 7 is a registered 6 offender" +"What do you call a red headed Baker","The Ginger Bread Man" +"Elephants charging How do you keep an elephant from charging. Take away its credit card","Haha^ha^ha^ha" +"My wife got into body building about 13 weeks ago","We find out if it's a boy or a girl in a couple more weeks" +"Why are teeth so privileged","They’re straight and white" +"Son's concert. Last night I had to go to my son's 6th grade band concert. He plays the trumpet. Most of the band, like my son, only started playing their instruments this year so the quality was far less than professional. We walked out of the school together and he had a hop to his step feeling really proud. It was a shame to tell him that I could barely see him let alone hear him by the squeaks and honks him and his classmates created. I rubbed his hear and asked, You play the trumpet, right son. He gave me a strange look. You know I do, dad. So, you got to toot your own horn tonight, huh. ' His eye roll was worth it. The nice part was being able to retell it to my older step daughter who giggled at my joke","A two for one" +"A colleague and I shared a pack of custard creams. He said we'll split them evenly so we both get an equal amount. so I said","Well I guess we have joint custardy then I'm very proud" +"A ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying brown paint","It is believed both crews are marooned" +"What's it called when a ninja throws a Catholic priestess","A nun-chuck" +"What do you call a pony with a sore throat","A little Horse" +"I don't like jokes about clouds","They're always over my head" +"My wife asked what I thought of the new decorations [I told her it measured up to my expectations well](http://imgur","com/G0B3mqt)" +"I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey. But then","I turned myself around." +"Girlfriend woke me up with, Hey honey I fixed the wifi","*barely awake, holds hand up* WI FIVEEEEE" +"The zen Buddhist achieved enlightenment, only to find himself unable to vacuum in corners","He had no attachments" +"I would like to thank the person who taught me the definition of plenty","It means a lot" +"Dad joked the tour guide at Hearst Castle Tour guide (talking about the billiard tables to a school field trip): Who knows what acute angles are","Me: They're adorable Tour Group: *groan" +"My Uncle tells the best Dad Jokes","Pity he fucked my mum though" +"Some friends were having a 92nd birthday party for their grandma","I said that's awesome, but you can't really have much of a party in a minute and a half." +"What colour is the wind","Blew" +"Walking is just teleportation","but with extra steps" +"I really hate elevators. So","I have started taking steps to avoid them." +"I think i got my english teacher pretty good So today my english teacher was going to test how much vocab we memorized, for the SAT exam if you're wondering, and he asked one student how many did he memorize. The guy answered saying about 300","The teacher replied what can you do with just 300, And then i couldn't hold it and replied A movie" +"My wife's friend dad joked me last night during the olympics. Watching the men's swimming relay with my wife and three of her girlfriends: my wife paused the screen and they were all commenting on the swimmers six-packs;. ME:. Honey just play it, you can see abs later in the bedroom. WIFE'S. FRIEND:. What- do y'all have a","TV up there or something?" +"In life, always give 100%","Unless you're giving blood" +"The wife and I are going to a Jamaican party. She told me wants her hair braided","I’m dreading it" +"My birthday was recently","I wanted to have my party at the library but they were completely booked" +"If life gives you melons,","You might be dyslexic" +"What happens if you fail to pay the preist after an exorcism","they come and repossess the house" +"How come crows never get hit by cars","Because their buddies are always up in the trees yelling Caaawr caaawr" +"Dad joked my driver's ed class This happened earlier today. The class was on the topic of crash costs and financial responsibilities. Teacher: If a crash is determined to be your fault, then you are responsible for paying for injuries sustained by others, and damage to property. But there are some places that have an exception, like in the state of Florida, it's considered a no fault state . Me: Couldn't you consider California a pretty *faulty* state","Whole classroom: -laudable groans-" +"It's easy for me to fall asleep","It's so easy I can do it with my eyes closed" +"A man was recently released from the Army after they found out he was having an affair on base","Talk about a dishonorable discharge" +"A priest, a rabbi, and a whale walk into a bar. The priest walks up to the bartender asked him for a shot of whiskey. The bartender pours him a shot of whiskey. The rabbi wants to out do him, so he says make mine a double, and the bartender makes it. The whale walks up to the bar and says “OoooOOooooOOOOOooooooOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooOOOOOOOooooooooOOOooooooOoooOoooOoOoOOoOooo” That’s the joke","Whales can’t talk" +"A meteor becomes a meteorite once it hits the earth. What do you call a meteor that missed the earth","A metorleft" +"Are you kidding me","No, I'm adulting you" +"How do you make a cat bark. Throw it in the fire","It will go WHOOF" +"Do you struggle to find domed recesses in cathedrals these days","You know, they have apse for that" +"Ghost caught on tape. I just saw this when browsing Imgur's viral stuff. Searched here, didn't see it, so here you go. http://imgur","com/gallery/uDClvJr" +"A painter wanted to get life insurance but was told he was uninsurable","Due to his history of multiple strokes" +"Someone asked me what my vision was for next year. I told them","I don’t have 2020 vision." +"I went to an Indian bakery for some sliced bread","There was naan" +"I once knew a guy who collected candy canes","Last I knew, they were all in mint condition" +"If a tortilla chip had a bad day what would cheese say to it","Boy, nacho day" +"I’d like to tell a joke about salt","Na" +"I got my girlfriend duct tape and packing tape","I've heard mixtapes are romantic" +"No matter how kind you are","German children are Kinder" +"My 4 year old just got me Him: dad, how do you know a train is eating. Me: I don't know, how do you know a train is eating","Him: you can hear it chew chew" +"An employee at the insane asylum caught a patient trying to escape","He busted a nut" +"I considered converting my wardrobe to house my board game collection, but was worried about losing clothing space","It was trivial per suit" +"Where do dogs who lose their tail go","To a retail store" +"Son: dad, I feel cold. Dad: stay in the corner. Son: why","Dad: because it's 90 degrees" +"What is the hardest day to remember","When-is-day" +"My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me. ” “I am sorry, honey,” I replied","“What is wrong" +"I once glued a set of false teeth onto a boomerang","that came back to bite me" +"Did you know the flag of Japan is actually a pie chart","Of how much of Japan is Japan" +"I don't get airplane jokes","They go right over my head" +"teacher and the brilliant student Teacher asked the students to tell the importance of the year 1809","John stand up and said “Abraham Lincoln was born” Then teacher again asked the students to tell the importance of another year 1819 Then Sam suddenly stand up and said “Abraham Lincoln was ten years old”" +"What do you call sandwich meat if you put it on your lower leg","Below knee" +"Weather I work in television. It's going to be very windy today in our area. Weather guy: The wind is going to be apparent today","Me: Aw, I didn't even know the wind was pregnant" +"How can you tell the difference between a male snowman and a female snowman","One has snow balls" +"Dad jokes","But mostly dad serious" +"Do you know why Hoola hoops were called Hoola hoops","Because it had a nice ring to it" +"Why was breakfast so sad","It was in mourning" +"How can you tell if your cornflakes are counterfeit","You check the cereal number" +"I asked my doctor if sex changes when you get a vasectomy","He told me there is a vas deferens" +"Today is a soldier's least favorite day What day does a soldier hate the most","March 4th" +"Two cats race, one is called one two three, the second one is called un deux trois, which one won","One two three, because un deux trois cat sank" +"I tried to catch some fog earlier","I mist" +"I bought the last ceiling fan they had at the store. unfortunately, it was a floor model","My ankles are killing me" +"If you were kidnapped by birds","Does that mean your abduckted" +"I called the casino to ask why the used card decks I ordered were still undelivered","They assured me they were dealing with it" +"How do you make water holy","Boil the hell out of it" +"The day my dad roasted me. One day, I asked my dad to tell me one of his jokes. Pussy , he replied. I was really confused. I don't get it , I said","After a short pause, my dad put on his shades and uttered: I know" +"What's a Volcano's favorite dessert","BakLava" +"I got heartburn from eating my cake","The doctor told me to take the candles off next time." +"Wanna hear a geography joke","Nevermind, you had to be there" +"Just got a moan from my girlfriend","Apparently I've gotten better since our first time" +"Brother in law hit us with this one My brother in law and I were helping my father in law move an old wooden organ. When we got it on the truck, I asked my father in law what he was planning on doing with it. My father in law says he isn't sure. Maybe he will donate it","My brother In law: I guess that would make you an organ donor" +"Whats blue and not heavy","Light blue" +"Soda Crusher So I ran into a friend I haven't seen since high school, And I ask him how he's doing and where he's working. He tells me he working at a local grocery store working the bottle return. He says its a pretty boring job. And I tell him that sounds. soda pressing. He just glared at me","lol" +"I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims","He's a mad keeler" +"A guy was admitted to hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach","His condition is now pretty stable" +"Why was there an H&R Block in the Ocean","For tax Porpoises" +"Chicken pot noodles are vegan","If they died when we learned their flavour, are these noodles ethically sauced" +"What do you call a cow that doesn't have a sense of humour","Moody" +"Bowling. Me and my dad were walking around a mall and we passed a store called Bowring","My Dad points to the store and says is that where Asians go bowling" +"I’m starting slow on my waxing/hair removal business, and we only have female clients for the time being","I don’t want to go nuts right away" +"At first I didn’t understand how a computer mouse worked","But then it just clicked" +"What do you call a waffle on a California beach","A Sandy Eggo" +"My best friend is from Eastern Europe, a real pro at chess","He's my czech mate" +"A monkey was arrested today when he started throwing feces at zoo employees","Three of the employees were rushed to the hospital with turd debris burns" +"Every time I pass a cemetery I point to it and say. people are just dying to get in there","I can't wait to have kids to see if they have their mother's groan" +"Went to the. Zoo today. I saw a sign that said tigers spotted around here and. I thought to myself,","I could have sworn they were striped" +"My mom accidentally kneed my step-dad in his thigh. She apologized when he told her she got him hard enough to leave a bruise and she, jokingly, asked if he would leave her over it. He replied, No. Because you *kneed* me. and winked","-_-" +"What rhymes with. Orange","No, it doesn't." +"I tried to make plans with the farmer that hays my pasture","But he always bales" +"How much does Santa's sleigh cost","$0, it's on the house" +"What do you call someone with no body and no nose","nobodynose" +"Does anyone here know how to toast toilet paper. A friend told me it was possible but I’ve never been able to figure it out","I only know how to brown it on one side" +"My friend says her dad would always get this one out when they drove past. Climax,. MI on the way to","Chicago Anybody want to get off here?" +"Why did the lion sneak into the wardrobe","Narnia business" +"Did you hear about the competition to find the tallest stick","Because the stakes were pretty high" +"What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast","A synonym roll" +"In the drive thru of the fast food place. Me: I guess I have to put the 5 under the 20. Wife: Why","Me: The sign says no bills over $20" +"I was standing next to a clown and he farted","It smelled funny" +"A man in. France tried to rob a bank using underwear as a mask","The cops put him in jail right after a quick debriefing" +"This sub has literally no idea what they're talking about","I hope our regular teacher gets well soon" +"If life gives you melons","Your probably dyslexic." +"What do you call an avalanche of cats","A catastrophe" +"Why don’t seagulls fly by the bay","Because then they’d be called Baygulls" +"Dad you need to start working out","Me: Dad you need start working out Dad: I do work out almost every day, almost Monday, almost Tuesday" +"A Mexican was doing a magic trick","He said uno, dos and then he disappeared without a tres" +"People who sell meat are gross","But people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer" +"My corneas are not thick enough for a LASIK surgery Not on the thin eyes","The surgeon said" +"My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it","We had some drinks, cool guy, says he wants to be a web-developer" +"My sister complained when she found out some of her energy bars were protein bars","Me: I guess you don't like the Whey it tastes" +"WW1 generals on the western front were really stubborn","One could say they were entrenched in their ineffective tactics" +"What's green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree onto you would kill you","A pool table" +"Someone set off the fire alarm at the gym today","I guess they burned a lot of calories." +"Have you guys heard of the Brexit Diet","I hear its the fastest way to kill the pound" +"Got a classmate pretty good today Amid confusion as to where we were to report for a test, she said I have to pee but I need to figure out where I'm going first","I'd recommend the bathroom, otherwise you may run into some trouble" +"Even good harmonica players suck half the time","And when they don't suck they blow" +"Went sightseeing all over. Oklahoma last week. It was","OK" +"My dad would always ask people if they wanted to see his pride & joy and show them this. http://www. mtfca. com/discus/messages/411944/471066","jpg (he kept it in his wallet)" +"No matter how far you push the envelope","It's still stationery" +"Cortana is the ultimate dad. **Knock knock jokes:** http://i. imgur. com/FbhaoJR. png http://i. imgur. com/lV4fkX5. png http://i. imgur. com/KhMJWE1. png http://i. imgur. com/u5bGCKl. png http://i. imgur. com/WV0ozHa. png http://i. imgur. com/bnbQwMh. png **Regular jokes:** http://i. imgur. com/FSpBRve. png http://i. imgur. com/BimhVEg. png http://i. imgur. com/hmT1VXU. png http://i. imgur. com/mOtfMsH. png http://i. imgur. com/qHmY3BG. png http://i. imgur. com/fc3M93G. png http://i. imgur. com/IGErA97. png http://i. imgur. com/DCN90VQ. png http://i. imgur. com/zG5hetR. png http://i. imgur. com/Ff1x8Zm. png http://i. imgur. com/tUKALrn. png http://i. imgur. com/0Coe17Y. png http://i. imgur. com/S7gltN7. png http://i. imgur. com/Pjs3xjN. png http://i. imgur. com/VPnE7bJ","png" +"What do you call second thoughts about plans to visit a Native American sanctuary","A reservation reservation reservation" +"I'm mentally preparing myself for the Oh my gosh, i havent *blank* since. LAST. YEAR jokes (Ned","Stark's voice) Dadjokes are coming" +"My joke of the day My daughter brought her friend over. Said she had her hair dyed. Me: your hair died. So sorry. When’s the funeral. Got both of them groaning with that one","😁" +"My dad's proudest dadjoke: As I'm struggling with draping a tarp over our boat before the rain comes, I ask my sister to come over and help. Dad jumps up from his chair and yells, Ashley no","It's a tarp" +"I never knew my local greengrocer was a. DJ. But","I just saw him drop some beets." +"Construction Project We're hanging a circuit breaker panel, me and the old Daddio. Dad: Cut me a scrap of that flooring for a spacer. Three and a half inches thick so I can nail it to this stud. Me: Sure. How long do you need it. Dad: Oh","we're probably gonna need it for as long as the house is here" +"In college, I double-majored in dermatology and dentistry","I graduated by the skin of my teeth" +"Classic. Dad. I was in the car with my family, and my mom says, I ran into a friend from high school yesterday","Dad: That must have hurt" +"Why are murders more successful at night than day","Because they like to take a stab in the dark" +"My neighbor Jamal disappeared and they had no recent photos so they used a photo of his brother Juan","Fortunately they are identical twins, so if you've seen Juan you've seen Jamal" +"If you're struggling to get your children to eat their greens","just tell them to give peas a chance" +"Why did the cows return to the marijuana field","It was the pot calling the cattle back" +"A co-worker asked me if. I was alright. I told him that","I’m half left too" +"What do you call 52 pieces of bread","A deck of carbs" +"What's the difference between roast potatoes and pea soup","Anyone can roast potatoes" +"My dad's favorite Me- man my shoulder hurts Dad- does it hurt when you do this","(Shrugs) Me- yah Dad- well don't do that" +"I asked a historian for a date. She replied 14th","June 1962 ." +"Southern math, from my dad There was a boy who was the first in his family to go down the mountain to high school. After the first day, his pappy asked him what he learned. B - Well, pa, there's this subject called mathematics. D - OK, say something in mathematics for me. B - Pi r square. D - You won't be going back to high school no more. Everybody knows pie are round","Cobbler are square" +"My wife was sick this week Me: How are you feeling today. Her: Much better, I'm just a little hoarse. Me: Really. You look like a human to me","" +"What do you call the girl you go to after your main girl","An after thot" +"I told my dad I saw his dad jokes on Reddit","He tackled me, stepped on my chest and said Actually, joke's on you, son" +"I had a layover in South Korea on my way to the Philippines. Met a nice Korean girl while sitting in the airport. I realized we had a lot of stuff in common, so we exchanged numbers before I left, and we're still friends today","Sometimes I call her my Seoul Mate, but I don't know" +"My friend ran out of pepper","He was so salty" +"What is red and not good for your teeth","Bricks" +"What did the Red light say to the Green light","Don't look at me I'm changing" +"A restaurant named. Cafe. Moderné closed for remodelling. When it reopened, it was named. Cafe. Post","Moderné" +"I out dad joked my own dad So I’ve just gotten home from a run last night. My mum reminds me to wash my hair, and my brother quips in by saying; ���Don’t forget to put some shit in your hair’ (toilet humour is the norm in my house). After showering, I come back downstairs and find my brother. ‘Hey Rob (that’s his name), I remembered to put some shit in my hair … but I think it was fake. ’ I say. He gives me a funny look. ‘I think it was *sham-poo*’. My dad who is sitting nearby groans. My mum gives me a slow clap. I feel really proud","That feel when pun is life" +"I once started a hotdog business","It was the wurst thing I ever did" +"Women are like grenades","Remove the ring and your house is gone" +"What's orange and sounds like a parrot","a carrot" +"A man had a problem with a fence","He just couldn't get over it" +"A woman is at her farther’s deathbed She hasn't seen him in years and now they only have a few moments left. Dad, i'm sorry, she whispers","Goodbye sorry he said, i'm dead" +"Why were the children sent to the coal mines","Because they were minors" +"I just bought a new vacuum yesterday. it really sucks",":)" +"Checkout guy got us good The guy working the checkout was scanning and packing our groceries","He finished packing a bag with vegetables and as he handed it to us he said careful mate, that one's got a couple of leeks in it Almost shed a tear on the spot" +"Literal Puns are his forte. So I walk into the kitchen and see my Dad grab a big knife to cut some vegetables. Whoa Dad, thought you just drew a knife on me","He proceeds to grab a sharpie and draw a knife on my forearm, then continues his vegetable chopping" +"Ice Hockey","what a cool sport" +"Where did Noah keep his bees","In the Ark Hives" +"Whenever dinners ready Nearly every dinner my dad has the same routine when calling us to the dinner table. He yells, let's eat, people. then he smirks and says. Well","let's not eat people" +"Dadjoked my mom After she explained something to the kids. Her: Am I clear","Me: You look opaque to me" +"My mom asked me if i wanted a Klondike bar. I said, oh no. What do I have to do for it","*queue groans from entire household*" +"Why are fire engines red. Because they are always Russian","One of my 65-year-old dad’s favorite jokes" +"Did you see the cheese truck crash today","De Brie was everywhere" +"After the preacher farted during the service","He noticed an extra pew in the church." +"Shovels are great","They were a groundbreaking invention" +"Did you guys hear about the two guys who got caught stealing a calendar","They each got 6 months" +"Why don't oysters give to charity","Because they are shellfish" +"I'm not that impressed when. I hear about someone killing someone or something with their bare hands","I mean, that's gotta be easier than using your squirrel hands or deer hands, right?" +"Despite popular belief. Penises can't be 12 long. Because then they'd be a","Foot" +"My dad dropped this one just before my brother had to go back to college. Context: my family is about to eat dinner, my brother is going to get a ride back to college right after we finish eating. Mom: I feel like we need a toast or something","Dad: well we've got some bread right here" +"Why did the gun stop firing and started to play music","Because it jammed" +"Someone once asked me what it's like working at a home improvement store. I said that it had its highs and its","Lowes" +"I helped my kid put his caterpillar on a parsley plant","The plant is now parsley consumed." +"I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts","They have a lot of spirit" +"Green is my favorite color","I like it better than blue and yellow combined." +"My nephew was playing with a corded telephone and walked so far the cord was stretched out. Enter my brother-in-law What are you doing. Making a long distance call","--- He was so proud of the joke he called me in as the only other person who would appreciate it" +"Vitamin. C. Is. Spanish for. Vitamin","Yes" +"Talking to my dad about weird dreams. Me: Whenever I dream I have trouble seeing in them . Dad: Well you should be sleeping with your glasses on then","Me: *queue sighs*" +"Getting There. While walking to a restaurant to meet my girlfriend's parents for diner she tripped, and followed it up by saying I should learn how to walk I felt my father's eyes gleam through the miles between us like an arrow propelled by awesome. I say Yeah. It could really take you places. She was moderately pleased by it","I'm still gleaming" +"Why don't pirates use Bluetooth devices","They always sync the boat" +"My daughter told me she didn't like brown rice","I didn't realize I was raising a rice-ist" +"You know that crazy story about the baker who attacked a man with a loaf of bread","I heard it's not all true, so take it with a grain assault" +"What does a fish say when he's angry","Cod-damnit" +"Sundays make me sad Son I hate Sundays, they make me sad . Dad surprised you didn't feel worse yesterday","it was sadder day you know" +"What do you call a fat Psychic","A Four-Chin-Teller" +"Why are fish so smart","Because they swim in schools" +"A","Nike shoe factory burned down 🔥 1000 soles were lost." +"I was making pizza dough the other day My roommate saw me mixing it with a fork so he asked if I was going to use my hands to mix it. I looked up at him and just said, No knead","" +"Why do cows have hooves instead of feet","Because they lactose" +"When watching Hunger Games: Why didn't they make his last name Bed so it'd be Peeta Bed","Edit for explanation: When said it sounds like either peed a bed or pee da bed" +"What’s another name for a pirate ship in the Soviet Union","The USS Aaarggh" +"If woman sleeps with 10 men, she's a slut but if man does it","He's gay" +"My girlfriend asked me what the Latin name for a plant was","I told her his name was Plantonio Banderas" +"Forrest Gump doesn’t care about millennials either, but do you know what generation he does care about","Gen A" +"My wife sent me a picture of a package we got in the mail. My three month old daughter was in the background so I asked her if the baby added a lot for shipping","She said no, but it took a long time to arrive because it shipped from vachina" +"The funniest joke at this year's Edinburgh Fringe by Tim Vine. I've decided to sell my Hoover","well, it was just collecting dust" +"Bingo. For some reason my entire family plays bingo every year on Christmas. And every time my dad draws and reads all the number-letter combos. And every year he waits patiently until he can say his favorite dad joke: Oh, thank goodness it's not malignant","(pause for emphasis) It's B9" +"My Jamaican friend invited me to his poultry farm The second I arrived his chickens started to attack me. He fought them off and said, “Sorry about them","They’re jerk chickens" +"My physics teacher asked me what I knew about wavelength","I said, If I'm saying goodbye to someone I like it's usually a longer wave" +"Dad got my little brother Dad: So what'd you do at your cousin's house. Brother: Umm, we just played video games. Oh, and for lunch I ate half a taco. Dad: So you ate a ta","Brother: *sighs* Yeah, I ate a ta then" +"What do you call a cow with two legs","Lean beef" +"Unknowingly Dad joked my mate's dad when I was 8. 14 years later he still brings it up. I had just got my hair cut nice and short and been dropped around at my mate's house by mum. As i walk in: Mate's Dad: Hey bonya, who did ya hair cut","Me: (slightly confused) My hair didn't cut anybody" +"Today is Neil Young's 70th birthday This literally just happened. Context: I'm 30yrs old. Got my own place. My dad and his business partner are staying with me for a meeting they have in the morning. Dad's friend is browsing the news on his laptop. He casually says Neil Young's birthday is today. He's 70 years old","My dad goes I guess he's Neil Old now Is it a sign of getting old when I find his dad jokes hilarious" +"My brother gave me the opportunity to name his twins","The girl came out I named her Denise The boy came out I named him Denephew" +"Toothpaste. So my dad was going through his normal morning ritual, when he screamed GODDAMMIT from the bathroom. He walked out a few minutes later, looking sad. Me: What was the yelling about. Dad: I dropped my toothpaste. Me: That made you upset. Dad: No, ZTheJerk. Upset doesn't cover it","I'm absolutely crestfallen" +"Just made up my 1st dad joke, that I can think of after being a father for 3 and a half years. I'm pushing my shopping cart to the cart corral after this loading my car with groceries. This lady is walking to the store and asks Is that a good one I says yeah, I just had her tuned up and then it runs pretty smooth","All I got was a smile from her but I couldn't stop laughing on the inside myself" +"What do 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9 do when they’re angry","Vow to get even" +"Did you hear about the runner who was criticized","He just took it in stride" +"TIL; I have been lied to my whole life. I have been lied to my whole life. I live 15 miles down a back county road that boarders a wildlife refuge. Every day I have to avoid animals on the road and see a ton of roadkill (birds, cats, dogs, mice, squirrels, gophers, woodchucks, coyotes, turtles, beavers, armadillos, opossums, rabbits, deer, elk, etc. you get the picture). I also pass a lot of farms and about 3 or 4 houses that raise free range chickens. You know what I don't see. Dead chickens in the road","Those fuckers never cross the damn road" +"My father saved up his whole life so he could be cremated","He really urned it." +"My wife made me a millionaire. Granted. I was a billionaire before","I met her." +"Poop jokes aren’t my favorite kind of jokes","but they’re a solid number two" +"What does a dinosaur use to pay bills","Tyrannosaurus checks" +"Most people think that t-rexes can’t clap because they have short arms","But really, it’s because they are dead" +"Who is the most grateful actor","Hanks" +"My girlfriend is allergic to leeks And her brother is a plumber. Here's what I've come up with so far: Her: I can't have leeks, I'm allergic Me: well (her brother) is coming round soon. He'll make sure you don't suffer. (actual leak under the sink) Her: Oh my god, the kitchen is soaking, pass me a towel. Me: Stay away. You're allergic","The more I recycle this joke, the more ai enjoy it" +"Dad's favorite joke, almost NSFW but not A kid starts working at a small neighborhood grocery store. A customer asks for brown bread, the kid rudely tells him they don't have any as the customer promptly leaves. The owner says son if we dont have something in store try and sell an alternative Later another customer walks in and asks for some toilet paper","The kid excitedly replies we dont have any but would you like some sanding paper" +"A lesson in local history. On our regular weekend commute, my girlfriend and I pass a B&B named The Old Inn on the Green. Saturday, as we were passing the sign, I said to her in my best about-to-share-something-interesting voice, You know, it wasn't always called The Old Inn on the Green. She inquired, Yeah. What was it called. Well, when it was first built it was known as the *New* Inn on the Green. https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=2iwmp2Tiv80" +"My Son Everyone He works answering phones on a help line. Caller: I'm looking for something on Pavlov's Dog and Schroedinger's Cat. Son: Hmmm. That rings a bell","I believe that we have it and that we don't" +"A man got hit in the head with a can of. Coke","But he was alright because it was a soft drink" +"The guy from 127 hours had to cut off his left arm to save his own life","When he got to the hospital, the doctors told him he'd be all right" +"What do you call a Waffle on a California beach","A sandy-eggo" +"There was an Asian man who lived by himself. He would cook for only himself and he did everything by himself","People would call him Lone Lee" +"Family participation welcome We were doing some work at my parents house and I decided to roll our ladder that has wheels over to where it needed to be. The interaction that followed was great. Older brother: not carrying the ladder. Wheely Andrew. Me: well, it was either carry it or wheel it. I chose the latter","My dad couldn't handle it and just burst out into laughter" +"Where do sharks go on holiday","Finland" +"Can you please put the kettle on, dear","Sure, what do you want me to put it on" +"I asked my dad how the turkey smelled. He said, I dunno, I guess with their beaks. I found some other good ones on this video chain of dad jokes on [hoop](https://watch. hoop. mobi/share. php","id=5760294be4b09f73f3331624)" +"The snowman Dad: Son, look at this snowman I made. Son: Wow dad, it's outstanding. Dad: Well yeah","where else would it stand" +"A small list of jokes What do you call a fish with no eyes. Fsh What do you call bears with no ears. b What do you call a human with no hum. someone who isn't annoying what do you call a dear with no eyes. no eye dear Why does Johannesburg have no vampires. Because the rain is blessed in Africa Why did the storm trooper buy an Iphone. because he couldn't find a good droid Did you hear about the kid napping. It's ok, he woke up My boss told me to have a good day","So I went home" +"There are two sheep. Baaaaaah said the first sheep. Mooooo said the second. Moo. says the first. Yes, says the second","i've been studying foreign language" +"You guys want to hear a cheesy joke","Nevermind, it's not any gouda" +"Have you heard about the zoo with only one exhibit and it's a dog","It's a shih tzu" +"Me: hey dad, we got any ground beef left","Dad: no, but plenty of water fish and land pork" +"My girlfriends asked for a tissue","GF: Babe could you pass me some tissues please Me: Sure, but don't blow it all in one place *Forces laugh at my own dadjoke" +"More aware of the volume after subscribing to this subreddit On Facetime with my mom today. Mom: frtu, you should really cut your hair for your sister's wedding. Frtu: Mom, do you know how long it took me to grow it out like this. Mom: Don't worry it'll grow back","Dad (in the background): But Karla, don't you realize he's attached to it" +"I dad-joked my mom. A few weeks ago, I got a pretty drastic haircut-- it was something akin to a crewcut, when normally I keep my hair relatively shaggy. It had been a few months since the last trim, so I thought I'd try something different. My mom has never liked my hair when it gets longer, so when I came to visit my folks' home the other night she looked at me, smiled, and said, Ooh, I like your hair this way. Thanks, I replied, it's growing on me","" +"I just bought myself a real human hair wig","It was expensive, but that's the price you have toupet for quality" +"People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones","But people in Abu Dhabi do" +"What do you call an Alligator in a vest","An Investigator" +"Son: Aren’t the pyramids really just squares","Me: Yeah, but only up to a point" +"Me: Honey, we will all be happier if we start embracing our flaws","Her: [gives me a hug]" +"I unexpectedly won an award while traveling the coastal cliffs of California","It was a Big Sur prize" +"A rabbit, a priest, and an elder walk into a blood bank The rabbit says, I think I'm type-o. Technically it's a mom joke since my mother-in-law told me","but I still laughed a lot" +"My dad jokes are strong. My two year old sees me using nasal spray and ask What's that. I say Nose spray . She asks What's it for","I say It helps Daddy smell better as I chuckle to myself" +"Classic Grandpa joke Grandma: I think these kids are spoiled","Grandpa: Nah, they always smell that way" +"When dad found out that his daughter is in love with the. Dog. Star,. He said, “You can’t be f*cking","Sirius”" +"While making bread. Me I hope the bread comes out okay . Dad That's the yeast of our problems","Classic" +"Taking advantage of a typo Me: Text me when you're her (I meant to say here) Dad: The sex change operation was complete","I'm her" +"I just did a magic trick where I made a stick of butter disappear. It wasn’t very good","But it was butter then nothing" +"Why can’t you run in a campground","Because it’s past tents" +"What is brown and sticky","A stick" +"Where do one-legged waitresses work","IHOP" +"Dad joked my dad while I was practicing for my road test. Just make sure you keep your eyes on the road. Why","They seem fine on my head" +"what do you call an acid with an attitude","A-mean-o-acid 😂" +"Do I often put an orange slice in my beer. Not really","Maybe once in a blue moon" +"Her first disappointment Yesterday my almost 3 year old daughter was took my ears and said: Daddy, I took your ears. You don't have your ears anymore Me: what. She: Daddy, I took your ears. You don't have your ears anymore Me: What. She: You don't have your ears anymore Me: But what. I cannot hear you, because I don't have my ears anymore She looked, understood wat I was saying and then turned to me at me with a face of huge disappointment","I still think it was funny though" +"Why was the spaghetti sad","Because his wife pasta way" +"What do we want. Hearing aids. When do we want them","Hearing aids" +"I am playing with my two month old daughter What's the bee doing. It's beeeee","ing" +"Got a coworker with this. A friend of mine posted a status along the lines of this: No. No. Why did you have to die you stupid washing machine. Without missing a beat, I commented: Well, looks to me that it's all","Washed up" +"What do you call a fish without any eyes","A fsh" +"I fainted in the curry house when I heard R","had split up That's me in the korma" +"How do you make a sausage roll","Push it down a hill" +"My ex-wife misses me","But her aim is getting better!" +"A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2. In the Bahamas it’s $2","These are the pie rates of the Caribbean" +"Man walks into the dentists office and says “I feel like a moth” Dentist says “shouldn’t you have gone to the doctor","” Man says, “yea, but I saw the light on”" +"My dad's groan-worthy one-liner. A termite walks into a pub and asks, Is the bartender here. The blank stares before you get it make it all the more amusing","To us" +"I said to my dad 'What rhymes with orange","' He said, no it doesn't" +"One for the IT dads How do birds keep track of data and intentory","Array,VIN" +"Why did the banana go to the hospital","It wasn’t peeling very well" +"How do you write ‘17 June 2021’ using only five letters and no numbers","‘TODAY’" +"So I walked into doctor’s office and said “Doc can you help me out","“ He said “Sure, which way did you come in" +"What do you call a movie about a musical dog","Fiddler on the Woof *ba dum tssss*" +"Yesterday I fell off of a 50 foot ladder. I was on the bottom step. but whatever","It was still scary" +"My GPS just told me to turn around","Now I can't see where I'm driving" +"What do you call a really sad strawberry","A blueberry" +"You know I can tell that the man who invented qwerty keyboards is a romantic","He put U and I together" +"Another spanish dad joke for you ¿Cuál nacionalidad tiene el mejor salud oral","Los Canadientes" +"What's going on with this sub. http://i. imgur. com/xTd7R1Z","jpg" +"Waited sooo long do do this. I know this is probably old but I've waited years to do this. Went to computer shop to buy a network cable and the assistant (female) asked how long I wanted it. I want to keep it. I said. Jeez, if looks could kill, my head would have exploded there and then. Totally worth it though",":-)" +"I love my stepladder","I never knew my real ladder" +"Guy at the door: Sir, would you like to make a donation to the local orphanage. Dad: No problem","(To me) Hey, you live with this guy from now on" +"What's your new friend's name. Daughter: I forget Me: that's a weird name for a kid. Why would her parents name her I forget . Daughter: Dad. Me: I mean, it just seems like it would be a really hard name to remember","Daughter: DAD" +"My dad doesn’t like it when I talk about his arthritis","He says it’s a sore subject" +"All you can eat. Went to a local restaurant with my dad and younger siblings earlier today. When our waitress came along and pointed out their all you can eat buffalo wing special, my dad pulled this: Dad: All you can eat, huh. You know, I tried to get into the competitive eating scene once. Brother: You did. When was that. Why didn't you keep going. Dad: Well, after a few competitions I just couldn't stomach the pressure anymore","Even the waitress groaned" +"What do you call a nun in a wheelchair","Virgin mobile" +"I was thinking of buying a pocket calculator","but then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have" +"My dad works for a bank I was at a grad party with my Dad. We were standing around a a bonfire with a few other people, when a kid brought a very large stick to put in the fire. It was obviously too large to put in the fire so my dad took it. He was in the process of breaking it when some one joked that this was a job for a banker","In which my dad responded with, You know what, before my current position I used to be a branch manager" +"Why did the man open his mouth in front of the bulb","He was advised to have light meals only" +"I need to comb my hair and put in my contacts. said Michael; Gotta look good for the ladies. Son, I said, you don't put in contacts to look good, you put in contacts to look *well*","First time I actually got him to laugh at one of mine" +"What does La Quinta mean in Spanish","Next to Denny’s" +"My dad hit a deer on the highway Me: Did you keep it for dinner","Dad: No, he wasn't hungry anymore" +"What's a pen when it's not writing","Stationary" +"What did Mary have for dinner","A little lamb" +"My dad likes to call people Doo-doo as a joke. He really likes to yell it when looking for people and he does it so often that his co-workers started calling him Doo-doo . So the other day a new hire witnessed this exchange, Co-worker: Hey Doo-doo can you check for a part that came in. Dad: Yeah no prob. Confused she asked him: Why do people call you Doo-doo","Without missing a beat my dad turned to her and said: CAUSE IM THE SHIT" +"What did 30 do when it got hungry","38" +"My friend bought a. Chewbacca seat belt cover. I told him that he can now drive","Han's free" +"Why aren't unemployment jokes funny","They just don't work" +"To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you","You have my Word" +"Why do space restaurants suck","There's never any atmosphere" +"I hate when non-chemist argue about the corrosiveness of acids","They're such baseless arguments" +"As my Dad tosses the empty soy sauce bottle in the trash","Soyonara" +"What do you call a guy with a rubber toe","Roberto" +"What do you call two guys hanging above a window","Curt and Rod" +"This gem was just dropped on me. A little back story. My father just recovered from prostate cancer and is doing much better after they removed it BUT he still has some urinary issues. Well he walks into my room. Hey buddy, guess what says Dad What. I reply with a heavy sigh I don't know, it depends","As dad pulls some brand new depends diapers from behind his back" +"Seen on pizza delivery car","Driver carries lots of dough" +"I took my son to the pet store, and he wanted to get a porcupine that had lost all its quills","I said, “That’s completely pointless" +"Dadjoked a friend Friend: I'm done with my calculus homework. I can't take anymore differentiation","Me: Have you reached your limit" +"Did you hear about the piece of fruit that left its wallet at a George Michael concert in Zurich","It was a Careless Swiss Pear" +"An amoeba walks in a bar","The bartender says Make sure to pay your tab before you split" +"I named the dog that sleeps in my car Rug","He's a car-pet" +"You wouldn't believe what I saw on my way home from work last night. Okay so I get off at 4:00 and I didn't waste any time leaving the office. Shut down my computer, grabbed my keys, and I was on the road by 4:05. It had been a pretty crazy day and I was ready to get home. As I'm driving home I notice I'm running on Empty. I probably could have made it home but I was really craving a Coca Cola so I decide to stop at the nearest gas station. Anyways I'm filling my tank I see an old lady a few gas pumps away putting gas in her old beat up station wagon but didn't really think anything of it and just continued to enjoy my icey cold Coca Cola. Next thing I know I see this old lady holding the gas pump nozzle spewing gas everywhere. I guess she had taken the nozzle out of the vehicle w out disengaging the automatic trigger or whatever but it went EVERYWHERE. Her car, her arms, the ground, all over the place and by the time she got that thing to stop spraying there was at least a gallon of gas everywhere. So I immediately run over to see if she's okay and she smells like straight up gas. I gave her napkins to dry off her hands and to clean what gas was spilled on the car. She said she was okay and thanked me for my help so I leave and head home. So now I'm a few blocks from home, driving over the last hill right before my next turn and all of a sudden, almost out of nowhere, she comes flyin past me in that same old beat up station wagon with, I shit you not, her arm CAUGHT ON FIRE. And as if that's not bad enough there are two cops right behind her in hot pursuit. So while I'm freaking out trying to pull over to the side she zooms past so fast I barely catch a glimpse of her frantically flailing her arm out the window as they all go over the hill. At that point couldn't believe what I was seeing it was just too crazy. So I quickly get back on the road and make my way over the hill and I spot her. She's pulled over in the emergency lane. I see the same old lady being handcuffed and put in the back of the squad car. Yeah turns out she was arrested for waiving a fire arm in public","¯\_(ツ)_/¯" +"What do you call a 5 foot psychic that escaped from prison","A small medium at large" +"If you see a robbery at the Apple Store","Does that make you an iWitness" +"Who is the patron saint of government surveillance. St","Francis of a CCTV" +"Why was the salt blind. Because it had no eyes. Sorry that joke was so dumb","(works better said outloud)" +"What do you do if you are captured by a herd of goats","Call in a hostage ne-goat-iator" +"“Hey, how much wood did you chop. ” “Not sure","Let me check the logs" +"My uncle was in a band called The Hinges","They supported The Doors" +"Time Travelling Van When I was maybe 7 or 8 my dad was performing some routine maintenance on my mums van, probably an oil change or something. Anyway I asked dad what he was doing and he told me he had installed a time travel device that would take us back in time. My dad is still a geek and at the time the wizardry he could do with electronics left me with no doubts in my mind that he had in fact invented and installed a time travel device in my mums van. When finished he suggested we take it for a test drive. The next morning we got up quite early, packed a picnic and loaded the family into the van to see the time traveling van in action, we drove for about an hour out of the city to a small town called. Middlemarch","When we got there he said Well we're in the middle of march now, and it was December when we left home" +"What weighs more. A pound of milk or a pound of ricotta cheese. A pound of milk","The ricotta is whey less" +"Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement","He’s finding it hard to deal with" +"How to not get called back","Friend: I'll call you right back Me: I'll call you left front Friend:" +"Unplugged a toilet today","It felt like shit" +"Who came first: the chicken, or the egg. The rooster","(Lovingly ripped from some Netflix cooking show" +"I burnt about 2,000 calories today","I left the chocolate mud cake in the oven to long" +"Never tell a secret in a cornfield","There are too many ears" +"Got a vasectomy earlier this week. Can't masturbate for a while so I have lots of free time for dad jokes. Seems like a vas improvement so far. The urologist told me that I need to use an athletic supporter for 3 to 7 days following the procedure but he also said not to ejaculate for at least a week so what exactly am I supposed to do with this cheerleader in my basement. Speaking of birth control, what's the difference between permanent female sterilization and a Russian bakery. Well, one's a tubal ligation, the other's a Ruble pie station. My greatest regret in all this is that I can no longer dress up for Halloween as a pirate and carrying around a sign that says, Ask me what I use to convey sperm from my testicle to my urethra, for the sake of replying, A vas, matey. Look, these are hard to come up with and my nads are sore","Give me something to make the wife groan that sexy, why did I marry you groan that we all love" +"The police say I stole a salmon","But they don't have any fishsical evidence" +"Have y’all heard about the circus fire. It was","intense" +"I never use sharp metal rulers","For safety measures" +"Why are there no knock-knock jokes in America","Because freedom rings" +"I think my wife is displeased. My wife took the day off because she had an eye doctor appointment. She just sent me a text. Can't wait to see you. Is that a contact lens joke. No Woulda been a good one. She has not replied","I regret nothing" +"I used to be an expert in the Dunning-Kruger effect","Then I started to learn more about it" +"Want to hear a joke about sodium, bromine, and oxygen","NaBrO" +"i wanted to go to the gym last night,","But it didnt work out" +"A piece of asphalt and a piece of concrete are sitting in a bar. Asphalt asks, “Who’s that other guy","Concrete replies, “Stay away from him, he’s a real cycle path" +"Which American president was the least guilty. Abraham Lincoln","He was in a cent" +"Had a presentation about wind energy today","It was a breeze" +"Two fish are in a tank","One turns to the other and says have you got any idea how to drive this thing?" +"I still feel the same after my vasectomy","At least, I notice no vas deferens" +"I asked my friend what an acorn was","He replied, it's basically a small oak tree, in a nutshell." +"I saw Peter Dinklage standing on a $20 bill yesterday","He was short on cash" +"Where does broth live","Stockholm" +"Why did the coffee taste like mud","It was just ground" +"Turns ot the busts on the haunted mansion ride at Disneyland don't actually look at you. They're just carved into the wall","So that's a releif" +"My dad bought me a condom when i turned 18","The cashier asked if we needed a bag and my dad replied No, she isnt that ugly" +"What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut","I’m a cashew" +"Wife:. I’m pregnant. Me:. Hey pregnant,. I’m. Dad. Wife:","No you’re not" +"[Serious] Thank you /r/dadjokes community. Throwaway since I could be identified if someone tried hard enough. My father is currently partaking in a long and grueling pilgrimage of over 300 miles on the Notre Dame Trail. The organizers suggested family members write letters to encourage and motivate the pilgrims. I have chosen to borrow some amazing content from /r/dadjokes to text to my father on a daily basis. He loves to make bad jokes and is often seen laughing at his own puns. He said he tells the jokes to the group every day when they've finished walking and they always get a chuckle from the crowd. So sincerely, thank you and keep up the good work","My mother has also joined him for the final 3 days so if anyone has some good, clean mom related dad jokes, feel free to share them with me" +"Someone in my squadron was trying to get out of a meeting. so he said he was going on leave tomorrow. We asked him Real leave. He said, What, am I going to take 'fake leave'. I said Maybe you're taking make-beleave","Groans throughout the room" +"What do you call a fat psychic","A four-chin teller" +"Driver: Officer, are you actually crying while writing my ticket","Cop: It was a moving violation" +"What do you call a mushroom with glasses","Spore Eyes" +"What's the most literate dinosaur","The-saurus" +"I can immediately tell if someone is lying","I can also tell if they are standing" +"More bang for your buck. https://i. imgur. com/kMkQASN","png" +"Mom bought me some camouflage cargo pants","She will never see me in them" +"I may get a job cleaning mirrors","It's something I can see myself doing" +"My dad said he started listening to. BTS","I replied, K-pop" +"I love telling dad jokes","Sometimes he laughs" +"What do you get if you don’t move a single muscle all week","A trophy" +"Got my friend with a good one. So last night I was at the movies with a few friends, seeing the Jungle Book. At one point during the movie, my friend Faith got up to get a refill on her popcorn and drink. When she got back, she complained to me that she tripped on the stairs and spilled her popcorn that she just had refilled","I looked her in the eye and said, I guess you could say you Faith-planted" +"13 months into being a father and watching a baking show Wife: Baking is such an art. Me: I think it's more of a science. Wife: but","Me [cutting her off]: being artistic is just the icing on the cake" +"Did you hear about the explosion at the Shoe Factory","God rest their soles" +"Have you guys seen this bit. https://imgur","com/a/KRmmSdv" +"What did Michael Jackson name his denim store","Billy Jeans" +"What happens when you bring a duck to a dinner party","You're guilty of a party fowl" +"A man was so delighted when he walked in his house","And discovered that someone had stolen every lamp" +"What noise does a tree frog make","Bark" +"It","You now read it on reddit" +"Last minute costume idea, for the dad who wants to get the groans. Wear beach cloths and draw sin/cos plots over your body","Congratulations, you are showing off your tan lines" +"I thought sex would be different after a vasectomy","There wasn't a vast deferens" +"How do you think the unthinkable","With an itheberg" +"I added the finishing touch to perfect my board game room","It’s a paradise" +"Which bees don't cost the world","Freebees" +"Sitting in my office, scanning reddit in the dark. Daughter calls out: Dad, why are you in the dark. Me: BECAUSE NOBODY WILL TELL ME THE TRUTH","groaning was heard" +"I dadjoked my gf and I'm not even a dad. Today my girlfriend asked if I wanted anything to drink with dinner. She texted me asking if I wanted beer or cider or wine. I replied cider would be nice. See if they have Dicken's Cider. I've heard it's good. She couldn't find it and, I shit you not, she asked a sales person if she could get Dicken's Cider","I'm still laughing" +"Why did the gym close down","Because it didn't work out" +"With Father’s Day right around the corner I wanted to share with you my beloved dad’s last words: Ah","A truck" +"What kind of money do vampires use","Bitcoin" +"You wouldn’t believe how mean my wife is","She is completely average" +"Got my coworkers with a Christmas dadjoke Someone had written reindeer names on a whiteboard at work. I counted nine, then said that there was one missing. They went through, named them all off, and said no, they're all there. So I said You forgot about Olive","You know, 'Olive the other reindeer" +"dad-joke anybody in school who asks me this. Classmate: Can I have a piece of paper","Me: *rips the corner piece of the first paper I see* Classmate: *groans*" +"How come everyone in history has always settled for Shampoo. Stop the madness","Demand Realpoo" +"There was a sale on camouflage shirts. But","I couldn't find them" +"How does a penguin build it's house","Igloos it together" +"Two criminals are caught and tried and found guilty One a rapist and one a conman. The mayor decides to have them punished for their crime in a way that reflects their crimes and also make some money for the city. He sets them in stocks and charges $2 to punch the conman in the face and $5 to kick the rapist in the balls. The line goes around the block all day. By the end of the day the conman can barely be recognized. Someone pays $2 walks up and kicks him in the balls instead. The mayor yells “Stop you can’t do that. ” The guy asks “why not he’s still a criminal","” The mayor says, “this is the punch line" +"Dad joked my mum at the supermarket I was grocery shopping with my parents today and my mum asked me to run and get her skim milk. So I went to the aisle and grabbed the carton that wasn't full cream milk (I wasn't really paying much attention). When I came back she looked at me and said myknees, this is half-skimmed milk. Isn't there anymore skim milk. I then replied to her Oh, I must have *skimmed* right past it","She let out a long sigh and told me to get the milk while I had a sensible chuckle" +"Sherlock does his best thinking in the bathroom. It's a great place for deducing","I think I just made that one up, so bare with me if it's shit" +"A am a pedicab operator and sometimes we hit potholes. My new favorite line is It's not my fault, it's the asphalt Stolen from Adam. He seems to get laughs. I'm like 30% and rising","Delivery is everything" +"My girlfriend complained about her period","I told her she was ovary-acting" +"Courtesy of my dad. What do you get when you cross a Japanese Prize Fighter and his father who has diarrhea","A slap happy jappy with a crap happy pappy" +"What do Pastafarians say at the end of their sermons","Raaaaaameeeen" +"Which part of Quebec has the least air","Gasp-é" +"Selling fireworks around the 4th of July must be a really","Booming industry" +"What do you call an actor who's a spy","Thespianage" +"I think. Santa may be a misogynist. Everytime","I see him he says: *''hoe hoe hoe''.*" +"My dad said this during a tornado drill I'm at work and we had to go to the basement because of a tornado warning","I tell him the situation and he says, Its fine, you can leave once this all blows over" +"Where does a general keep his armies. In his sleevies","I *got* my dad with this one the other day" +"Why didn't the Chinese twins become ghosts when they died","Because two Wongs don't make a Wight" +"Why was the habanero wearing a jacket","It was a little chili" +"I literally dad joked myself. I found out today that my girlfriend could put her foot in her mouth. I said I can't do that. So she told me to try to do it. Turns out, I could","And then I put my foot in my mouth" +"What do you get when you cross. A dad walks in an asks his child what do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question. *then leaves. * Saw a girl talking about how her dad did this today and thought you guys might appreciate it as much as I did","Sorry if this has been posted here before; I don't read the posts every day so I might have missed it" +"We’ve been infested for a while [relevant picture](https://imgur","com/gallery/vTbYxQS)" +"If you click on this post it will literally tell you everything","Everything" +"Did you hear about that Jewish barista","Hebrews really good coffee" +"With bars finally reopening, exotic dancers can once again bring home the bacon","but only one strip at a time" +"Me: i am affraid of randomly thrown alphabets Therapist: are you","Me : *screams* Therapist : oh i see Me:*screaming intensifies*" +"My son said his calculator wasn't working earlier in the day but it works now","I said it was because it was a calcu-later" +"Why do seagulls fly over the sea","Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels" +"Modern supercars are mostly made of carbon","Including the driver." +"He got me during the Lion King. At any given time, the urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is just a whim away","a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away" +"Driving instructor pulled one on me. I was going for driving lesson after a 2 month break, and after fumbling around and finally successfully getting the car started, my driving instructor said this to me: DI: Have you been filming a show recently. Me: No, why do you say that. DI: You look a lot like a character in this show on TV. Me(kinda flattered): What show is that. DI (Deadpanned): Oh you know, Lost","Me:" +"Daughter: Does jello go bad. Dad: It gets molded. Credit to a friend who came up with this, and who took a minute to understand why I was laughing at his answer","Thought I would share it with you bunch of fun guys" +"Highspeed Chase [On the Run](http://deathbulge. com/images/comics/212. jpg) Credits: http://deathbulge","com/comics/212" +"What do you call a cow that just gave birth","Decaffeinated" +"What do you call an old computer that smokes weed","A baked potato" +"Too soon, bad taste, couldn't help myself (4th of July Dad Joke) We're talking about that [poor guy](http://www. washingtonpost. com/news/morning-mix/wp/2015/07/07/friends-family-defend-maine-man-who-killed-himself-with-fireworks/) who passed on after accidentally lighting fireworks attached to his head on the 4th. My wife: I mean, what do you even say that guy's funeral","Me: Well, at least he went out with a bang" +"Into a fine restraunt. An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, an American, an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Kenyan, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, a Moroccan, an Israeli, a Palestinian, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Manxman, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian and a Norwegian walk into a fine restaurant","“I’m sorry,” said the maître d’, “but you can’t come in here without a Thai" +"Hit my sister with the best dad joke My sis: I want to get fake nails","Me:do you want a fake hammer, too" +"Call me a racist if you want but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption, and stupidity. I wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot pole","I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada" +"A costumer got me today So I was working in the soup and sandwich area of the food chain I work for. A man comes up and asks what soups we have today, which is a common occurrence. Me: We have chicken noodle, cream of broccoli and. that's it. Him: oh, I'll have that's it. It took a minute to realized I just got hit with a dad joke and cracked up. When I hand him his food I made sure to tell him Here is your that's it we were both grinning ear to ear from it. He basically made my night do a 180° with that joke","Thanks random dad for making my night" +"What do you call a monkey with a machine gun","Sir" +"My daughter asked Daddy will you be a man witch for Halloween. Our 5 year old was a witch for Halloween and asked dad to be a man witch to match her costume. And so begins the dad joke costume: https://i. imgur. com/1qLrHEE","jpg (I posted this on the Halloween contest in r/pics and was told to share it here" +"Dad, have you seen Mum","Yeah, heaps of times" +"Did you hear about the guy that got his left side cut off","It's ok, he's all right now" +"At the casino a woman accused me of assault. And. I say But","I'm the blackjack dealer, it's my job to hit people." +"What browser does supermario use","Yahoo" +"Moving day Joke My friend's mom was helping my friend move into his new apartment","She was carrying a 12-pack of beer that he had bought and as she was carrying it in, she turns and says, well, this definitely isn't light beer" +"It's no fun when they don't groan. but I couldn't resist. Me: Happy Birthday. I wish I had known, I would have gotten you something. New friend: You don't have to get me things. Good thoughts and well wishes are perfect gifts. Me: But I don't have any wells nearby. Friend: [pauses]. So far I've just woken up from a hangover on the couch. . I think I still got her",":P" +"How do you get a sea creature to play music","You tuna fish" +"Why did Sarah fall off the swing. because she has no arms. Knock, Knock. Who's there","Not Sarah" +"(Genuine) My dad has been Diabetic (type 1) since he was 19 When he tells people he always says he's diabolic before correcting himself","15 years at least he's been saying it and it never gets old" +"Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut","The doctors all agreed he needed a little space" +"Dad asked how my report was coming along. I study away from home and paid the parents a visit this weekend. I'm currently in the midst of guidelines and the following ensues when Dad and I are talking about how university is going; Dad: You studying hard. Me: Not really. I've got a 5000 word report due on Friday that I haven't really started. Dad: How many words have you done. Me: 0 Dad: What're you worrying about, you've only got 500 words left","Classic Dad" +"What kind of sausage does Zelda like","Link" +"Why did the blind man fall down a well","Because he couldn't see that well" +"I mentioned to my coworkers I used to be a chemistry major, the dad who sits behind me asks: What do you get with 1 barium and 2 sodiums. After thinking about it for a few seconds. [I turned around to tell him I didn't know. ](http://i. imgur. com/k7e3kQJ","jpg)" +"why did santa claus get a parking ticket","because he was parked in a snow parking zone" +"What does the Shepard say to his apprentice when the sheep are being too loud","SHUT THE FLOCK UP" +"What Do You Call A Fear Of Getting Stuck In A Chimney","*Claustrophobia*" +"Why is coffee not appropriate to eat with crumpets in England","Because its considered not-tea" +"I was recently asked who my favorite vampire was. I replied the count from Sesame Street. They told me, he doesn't count","I replied, I assure you, he does" +"I tell bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones","Argon" +"People say that. I am self-centred","But that's enough about them" +"What kind of nut has hayfever","A Cashoo" +"Have you heard of the band 1023MB","They haven't had a gig yet" +"My family were out at a Chinese restaurant last night","Me: I'll get the roast duck breast please Sis: I'll have the duck legs Mom: I'll get the fried duck wings Dad: I'll get the bill" +"Pulled one on my dad today My dad was reading live music performances in the area: Eryn Shewell is playing later this month That's a shame","I'm a much bigger fan of Joey Hegood That got a hearty chuckle out of him and a glare of disappointment from my mother" +"Did you hear about the popular cartoonist","He could really draw a crowd" +"A book just fell on my head","I only have my shelf to blame" +"What is it called when the letter E runs a race","**e**motion" +"Only women can be victims of harassment","If it was about men, it would be called hisassmeant." +"What do you call the metric unit for galaxies","An andrometer" +"I saw someone posting saying they didn't know why they were making so much Dad jokes without them being a Dad. I said don't worry","the reason will become a parent" +"What do you call it when someone agrees with you about money","Concurrency" +"I used to be addicted to swimming","I am now very proud to announce, that I have been dry for six years" +"How do fish get high","Seaweed" +"So I went to the hospital for a week","It requires a lot of patients to stay there" +"My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old-fashioned","I thought we had good alchemy" +"I owe a lot to sidewalks","They've been keeping me off the streets for years" +"I just got into a car accident. The other driver got out of his car, and turns out he was a dwarf. He ran up to me and exclaimed I'm not happy","So I said, Well, which one are you then" +"It's the little things. My mom, my dad, and I started our journey across the US together in a Uhaul today. My mom likes to freak out. While in traffic, this happened. Mom: Oh my god, why are we stopping. Dad: Just a little bit of congestion. Me: *cough* Dad: Very good. Me: Thanks","Moments like these make a 26 hour drive cramped in a Uhaul together worth it" +"What do you call a caveman from the south","A neander-y'all" +"Does anyone know a good Thai place. I've heard Men's Warehouse isn't too bad","My cousin's boyfriend everybody >_<" +"What do you do when you are attacked by circus clowns","Go for the juggler" +"Every time I order a pizza. Dad tell them to cut it into 6 pieces because I can't eat 8","Me: shaking head" +"Want to hear a paper joke","Never mind it’s tearable" +"There's a local restaurant my family frequents called Deja Vu . Have we been here before. I'm sure we've been here before. - Every male member of my family (including my Alzheimer's stricken grandfather)","Every time" +"I have a pen that can write underwater","It can write lots of other words too!" +"Olympic swimming endorsements. Seen on. Twitter:. It's ironic for. Ryan. Lochte to lose a","Speedo endorsement over an inadequate coverup." +"I can't find U. My 3 year old is starting to want to play with the computer. This morning he was trying to type out words we were sounding out and spelling. He wanted to spell out octopus, and when we got to the U, he had trouble locating it. Queue the cry of I can't find U. To which I replied I'm right here. No Dad, I can't find U. I'm right here","This went on for several minutes and a significant number of sighs and eye rolls from my patient wife" +"You might think the sun is pretty heavy","But it's actually light" +"I was recently diagnosed with color blindness","Just like that, right out of the green" +"What is the most common disease that chefs get","KitchenAids" +"What do you call a guy whose car breaks down on his way to meeting his lover","A cab, and quick" +"Dad, can you please put the cat out","I didn't know he was on fire" +"Friend: the worst part of winter is the wind","Me: yeah, but at least the ter isn't so bad" +"Dear Braille, I miss you","We'll be in touch soon" +"Why was the person with insomnia taken into custody","They were resisting a rest" +"My dad told me to stop hanging out with stoners He said that pretty soon I'd start smoking cigarettes and weed, then I'd get into the harder stuff. He told me that I'd get addicted to crack cocaine and start whoring myself out to buy more. He said that the cops would arrest me and throw me in prison, where I'd get raped","I guess it really is a slippery soap" +"My friend dad made a waitress uncomfortable some time ago. So we sit down for breakfast at a diner type place. Orders are taken and the waitress asks my friend's dad How do you like your eggs","to which he replies with a straight face: Gently stroked, please" +"How does your former significant other have food delivered","Fed-Ex" +"At a restaurant on vacation, my dad cracks this joke The waitress was taking orders and I asked for wings. I ask my dad if he wants any wings and what flavor. He says, nah, I'm not much of a wingman. Get it. *Wing*man. hehehe He looks at everyone expectedly","Everyone in my family, my mom, my brothers, my sister, and the waitress just stare at him in utter amazement" +"3 ants named A, B, and C were all males. Which one floats the best","Boy-ant-C" +"How much does a corn flake weigh","1 Kelloggram" +"My friend asked if there where any restaurant names that started with R . I suggested","Arbys and the teamspeak went quiet." +"How much do Coke bottles cost","About a dollar a pop, soda speak" +"Did you hear about the helicopter that crashed into a cemetery","They found like 200 dead bodies" +"What kind of shoes do ninjas wear","Sneakers" +"Hey guy, you better take your jacket, it's going to be chilly in the morning. and spaghetti in the afternoon","edit: got this one from my dad years ago" +"Dad Joked the wife twice within a minute, quite pleased. Wife: something about being hungry enough to eat her hand. Me: So, you want finger foods. As we're leaving the department store I point to the mannequins, Psh, working stiffs She cracks up","Made me smile" +"When you boil it all down","It's evaporation" +"The way Hulu works, only one person can watch at one time","- me My dad responds with So if there are two of us in the same room, Hulu will not work" +"Just because this guy is the only chimneysweep in town","He thinks he can just raise his prices through the roof" +"My girlfriend got me good while grocery shopping While talking about what kind of sauce to get for our pasta. Me: Do you want to get Prego","Her: No I don't think we are ready for kids yet" +"Why did the occasional athlete run between clocks","Because he only exercised from time to time" +"Q: What did one shepherd say to the other after seeing a wolf in the distance","Let's get the flock out of here" +"Denmark, Norway, and Sweden just implemented bar codes on all their military ships","That way, whenever one of them comes into port, they can Scandinavian" +"Where do dogs fight","The barking lot" +"Got dad joked while taking a piss today","a bunch of coworkers and I were in the bathroom taking our before-work-piss and in comes another coworker, he walks up to the urinal, unzips his pants and says I heard a lot of dicks hang out in here Groans were heard throughout the stalls" +"Why did the first people to fly a plane succeed","They were Wright" +"My dad asked my sister today. Since one of the members of. One. Direction is leaving, is it called. Four-Fifths","Direction now?" +"What's the best Christmas present. A broken drum","You just can't beat it" +"Plumbers must have really tough jobs","A lot of their work is draining" +"A whale and his son are swimming casually in the ocean. Son: Dad, where did I come from. Dad: From my penis, son. Son: Uh. Thanks","Dad: You're Whale cum" +"Told my wife to pick up bread at the store. Just in case things go a-rye","She sighed pretty loudly :p" +"Watch I went to the jewellers today, and asked the salesman about a watch. how much is it. I asked. 25 Pounds He replied. Is it a wind-up","I asked No, it really is 25 pounds" +"Never attempt to flush dutch shoes down your toilet","It will get clogged" +"Do you know why they're called Bungalows","They don't have enough materials to finish the house, so they bung a low roof on it" +"What do Germans think of sausages","It’s the wurst" +"Why do you not make fun of a fat girl with a lisp","Because she is thick and tired of it" +"Why did the melon refuse to go to Vegas with the other melon","Because he cantaloupe" +"You guys see that banana car driving around. It's really fast","I tried to pass it but it peeled out" +"Why are balloons so expensive","The prices keep going up due to inflation" +"My son asked me today what do you call a damaged horse house. Unstable. Fair play have to hand it to him","he got me" +"A bowling ball jumps off a roof. Looking among the pieces of shattered bowling ball, the Physicist in the crowd regretfully said, He had so much potential. I know I know. I'm not a dad but I teach physics and I've never made up a joke before","X/post from jokes" +"You know what they say about grandfather clocks…","They’re old timers." +"I've caught a cold :(","It snot much fun" +"What do you call a buffet for sheep","All you can bleat" +"How do you find Will Smith in the snow","Fresh prints" +"Dad joked my dad. So I was eating dinner with my family, including my dad who is from Belgium, and I let out a fairly loud burp","My dad said, that's gross, and I replied, Hey, it wasn't a full burp; I'm only half-belchin'" +"What's a pirates motorcycle sound like","Ruuuuuum rum rum ruuuuuuuuuuuum I know it's not very good but I made it up sitting in traffic the other day" +"I don't really like. Thai food","Because no matter what you order, no one ever wins" +"My son said he'd call me later. Him: I'll call you later . Me: don't call me later, call me dad . Him: *sigh*","Me: my work here is done" +"Two fish are in a tank","One says to the other Do you know how to drive this thing?!?!" +"what do you call a boat when the crew can't speak their mind","A censorship" +"I can see two years into the future. You could say","I have 20/20 vision" +"Why did I decide to move away from the state line","I got tired of living life on the edge" +"When does a joke turn into a dad joke","When it becomes apparent" +"I took my snake to the vet today","Vet said the snake had ereptile disfunction." +"Hey dad, did you get a haircut","No, I just dyed the tips of my hair invisible" +"Why was the little strawberry crying","because his parents were in a jam" +"My wife's just gone to the West Indies ^Then ^he'd ^make ^me ^say Jamaica. . No","She went of her own accord" +"Got my boss at work. Boss said he wanted to start branching out into venture capitalism. He asked if I've ever watched Shark Tank and said that we'd be like that, only smaller. So, basically, a fish tank","Thank goodness he found it funny" +"My girlfriend Dad joked me on a hike. I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike. She said I bet we couldn't understand them I said why do you think that. She said because they probably only bark She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying shh, shh, do you hear that","Thats a tree talking in the distance" +"My dad's regular CBS Evening News joke. Would you rather be Dan, or Dan Rather. I","I don't even know" +"What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college","bison" +"Pulled off an oldie but a goodie. Managed to keep my wits about me at the urgent care after nearly taking my finger off with an axe this afternoon. Doctor, I know this is bad, but am I going to be able to play the piano after you fix me up. Oh yes, it doesn't look like you've damaged the muscle too badly Well that's just excellent; I was never able to play it before","I think I'm lucky he finished my stitches" +"“Judge, I’m here to dispute 60% of my tickets. ” Judge: Repeat infractions. Man: Fine","I’m here to dispute 3/5 of my tickets" +"Why did leaders of the soviet union hate riding taxi's","They were always stalin'" +"i used to be addicted to soap","but I'm clean now" +"I phoned a gym and enquired if they could teach me how to do the splits. They asked, “Potentially, but how flexible are you","” I replied, “Well, I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays" +"My son said, Can I have a book mark and I nearly cried","After 11 years, he still doesn't know my name is Steve" +"What's the difference between a circus and a whorehouse. One has a cunning array of stunts","(Thanks, grandad)" +"Dadjoked by my SO while moving We were unpacking our stuff from a U-Haul. I grabbed a few drawers from a dresser. As I'm walking to the house with them, my boyfriend says, 'Hey, don't freak out, but your drawers are showing","' Uggggggh" +"If you ask a dad: - Are you alright",", he will answer: \- No, i'm half left" +"What punch does a native American throw","A chin'ook" +"With my girlfriend","[NSFW] After having sex together for the first time, Her: Wow can't believe we finally did that Me: Guess we're over that *hump* in our relationship" +"From now on, refer to Seattle as Space Haystack City why","Because that's where you'll find The Space Needle, OBVIOUSLY" +"Making Vodka. My friend and I were discussing different kinds of alcohol and how to make them when the subject came to Vodka. Him: Vodka is probably one of the easiest to make, you can almost make it out of anything. Me: Like what. Him: Potatos, corn, rice. Hell, I've even used a boot to make some Me: What. Why. Him: . It gives it a little kick","And I shit you not I heard a groan from the neighbor next door (his apartment has some pretty thin walls and he's quite the loudmouth sometimes)" +"Standing in the mall with my dad We were standing next to a group of teenagers when another kid walks up to them and says Ayyyyyyy. really loudly. My dad does the dad thing and yells B","with the most accomplished look ever on his face" +"Why did body painting stop the senator from casting a vote","Because he was ab staining" +"If you have a satnav that you can change the voice on, please do not use Bono from U2","I did this last week and now the streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for" +"What do you call a fake phone","Phoney" +"Studying Abroad Posted on facebook, Found out I'll be studying abroad in Germany this summer","Dad replied This broad you speak of - What's her name" +"Did you guys hear about the kidnapping at the bus stop","He woke up" +"I tried to change my password into ‘beefstew’","But it wasn’t stroganoff" +"People who give me dirty looks when. I breastfeed in public need to stop. What. I'm doing is natural and it strengthens the bond","I have between me and my girlfriend" +"My dad got me today, it kind of stung. We were sitting in the living room together, just watching TV. I was sitting criss cross applesauce style when I noticed I was wearing two left socks. Me: Hm. that's funny, I put two left socks on this morning","Dad: (looks right at me, stifling his laughter) That's because you can't do anything right" +"haircut dad, did you get a haircut","&#x200B; No i get them all cut" +"What did the man tell his doctor about the pain he's had in his feet the last 5 years","It's a long standing problem" +"Dinner time Tonight I stood up during dinner, and then sat back down. My son askes, What are you doing","I said, I shouldn't eat this much food in one sitting" +"What is Beethoven doing right noe","Decomposing" +"Honey, I'd like to get a bird. I was thinking a cockatoo. I don't know, dear","That sounds advanced, maybe we should start with a cocka-one" +"The Church of England has finally approved of female bishops","Now British women are finally free to move diagonally" +"Whenever we pass the cemetery. Dad always says","This is the dead center of (Insert name of town here)" +"Why do fish live in saltwater","Because pepperwater makes them sneeze" +"Doing the laundry with my roommate when my Dad-skills activated On the weekends, my roomie and I head to the cleaners to do our laundry. We were folding our clothes and towels away when he commented on how fancy I fold my towels, similar to how some hotels chains have theirs folded","He asked where I learned to fold towels like that when I said Oh, its just a natural towel-lent of mine" +"You should always upvote a joke about Peter Pan, even if you have heard it before","It never gets old" +"[MEME] I had never heard of dadjoke dog. It's stupid, but man, does it make me laugh http://knowyourmeme","com/memes/dad-joke-dog I know memes probably aren't liked here, but this is great" +"I just watched a show about beavers","It was the best dam show I've ever seen" +"My wife makes art by spending hours painting dots on a canvas to create shapes, she calls it modern art","I think it’s pointillist" +"From someone on FB People are always telling me I remind them of Brad Pitt","Because I often say don't forget about Brad Pitt" +"Don't know if this fits here but I think I hammered out my first dad joke. Gf: I'm just going to run into town and stuff. Me: make sure you stretch","Gf: ಠ_ಠ" +"What do you call fake Spaghetti","Impasta" +"Hit my own father with a back to back. The student has surpassed the master. Had to change some plans with my dad while I'm in town. So I told him we had to move the day to Thursday. He said don't worry I'm flexible to which I replied I'd say that's a bit of a stretch. He didn't seem to know what I meant so I had to explain I was joking. Ahhh I may be flexible but I'm not so bright. Don't worry dad, at least the son is","I have officially become more dad than my own dad" +"I started reading the dictionary from A to Z. People said its stupid and a waste of time","I'm past caring" +"What do you call a fake noodle","An impasta" +"No matter how kind you raise your children to be","German children are kinder" +"Why does a moon rock taste better than an Earth rock","Because a moon rock is a little meteor" +"I asked my buddy if he like Sabra He asked, “What’s Sabra","” I said, “Not much, what’s up with you" +"What kind of car is always fine","caraOKe" +"Do you know where fishes keep their money","In riverbanks" +"I never pay for. Velcro","It’s a rip off" +"Husband will one day be the worst of dads. He makes me laugh so hard my whole abdomen hurts so I said to him, One day when I'm pregnant you can't make me laugh like this or we'll have a shaken baby","He responded, It'll be fine as long as it's not stirred" +"How many strippers does it take to change a light bulb","My wife reads these, I’m answering that" +"Told My First the Other Day I've got a 13 month old daughter. She's awesome. Anyhow, she's only recently achieved table top height and likes to grab things off the edges (that was a scary development. ) Anyhow, one time she grabbed the coffee grind tamper, dropped it and went Bahhh","and I said Now you've lost your tamper" +"I don't know why my wife puts up with me Last night the wife made a big bowl of homemade guacamole. Well, today I was feeling the effects of eating 1/2 of said bowl of guacamole. This morning I texted her from the bathroom at work: Me: Oh man, that guacamole is really tearing my ass up. Her: Ew, ya nasty. Me: I guess you could say I've got the guac ing farts","She hasn't texted me back since :(" +"What does garlic do when it gets hot","It takes all its cloves off" +"what happens when two Egyptians fart and they sound the same","They have a toot in common" +"Why didn't the marsupial get his dream job","HE WASN'T KOALAFIED" +"What do you call a comedy that takes place in multiple decades","A comedy of eras" +"I played a. Spanish chord on my guitar. It must have been a. Si","Major." +"What’s brown and sticky","A stick" +"What did the ocean say to the beach","Nothing, it just waved" +"What's a horse's favorite dance move","The Neigh-Neigh" +"I decided to get my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday","He keeps asking for an ex box, so I’m sure he will be delighted" +"How do math teachers say goodbye","Calculator" +"On. Halloween,. I will be wearing a normal everyday. T-Shirt. I'll be going as a","Casualty" +"I adopted a dog that used to belong to a blacksmith","First thing he did when I got him home was make a bolt for the door" +"Ya'll ever been to a frog race","It's a ribbiting experience" +"A girl told me her eyes hurt, so. I told her to look at me because","I'm a sight for sore eyes." +"Ive been trying to work out if the grass really is greener on the other side","But so far I'm still on the fence" +"My friend developed a pill that gives you amnesia, and I was stupid enough to take it","I don’t know what I was thinking" +"The costco man pulled this one on me today. He was casually picking trash up and sweeping the floor. He asked how I was doing. I replied fine and yourself. He responded with, I'm good, business is always picking up","It took me a second to catch it, then I laughed for a good minute" +"Who built Sir Arthur's round table","Sir Cumference" +"How does Moses make his tea","Hebrews it" +"Why is the doctor at the blood bank picky about her dates","She has A type" +"Did you know we can drink lava","Yeah, but only once" +"Why am I making trigonometry jokes","Cos I can" +"Special. Report:. Execution. Botched. Today. Due to. Hangman's. Absence. During. Knot. Tying. Seminar in his. Youth. Breaking","Noose" +"Unintentional dad joke while visiting Alcatraz A former inmate was signing books at Alcatraz today. He was an inmate there for 15 years. It was later in the day, so I tried to make polite conversation. I asked, have you been here long","He didn't answer" +"Cops finally caught the guy that stole like 5000+ bras from various. Victoria's. Secret stores","That must have been a really big bust" +"A man walks into a bar and makes a bet with the bartender. He tells the bartender that he will bet $500 bucks that he can pee into 5 shot glasses that are 3 feet apart with getting a drop of pee of the floor. The bartender takes the bet quit confidently, thinking that there is no way the man can possibly do that. They set up everything, the man has a couple of drinks and gets ready to go. As he starts peeing, he misses every single shot glass, barely getting any pee in any of the glasses. The bartender is laughing hilariously at the man's failure. This is the easiest $500 bucks I'll ever make he thinks to himself. After the man finishes, the bartender, still laughing, ask the man, why on Earth would you make that bet","The man looks across the street and says I bet the bartender across the street $2000 that I can make you laugh by pissing all over your floor" +"If I pay postage for mail","Does that make it fee mail" +"I want to hear 99 people sing 'Africa' by Toto","It's something that a hundred men or more could never do" +"Son: Dad, can I ask you a question","Dad: You just did My dad used to always pull this one on me" +"What type of hairstyle is popular with polar bears","Frosted tips" +"Stereotypes. Kenwood,. JVC,. Pioneer,. Alpine,. Boss,. Sharp,. Sony,. Onkyo,. Panasonic,","Philips, etc." +"My daughter just graduated from law school","now she's my daughter in law" +"Got a genuine laugh from this one. Driving out of the parking lot: Me: Oh look, it's Left Turn only. All-right. This one got a hearty, genuine laugh","Does it still count as a 'dad joke'" +"I gave $1 for a 50 cent candy and didn’t get any money back","Some people never change" +"Did you hear about the math teacher that was afraid of negative numbers","He would stop at nothing to avoid them" +"Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory","De brie was everywhere" +"How do mermaids give birth","They have a sea-section" +"What do you call the ISIS when they're defeated","WASWAS" +"I backed a horse last week at ten to one","It came in at quarter past four" +"Why can't you get cell phone service when you're naked","No shirt, no shoes, no service" +"Everytime Dad gets his haircut. Somebody: Heyyy, you got a haircut","Dad: Well, all of them actually" +"What is the pope's pet called","Cat-hedral" +"And the award for best neckwear goes to. Well. Would you look at that","It's a tie" +"EVERY. TIME he goes to the gas station. Dad:. I'm going to fill the car up with gas","AND put fuel in the tank!" +"You know, Thanos was not that bad of a guy","Everyone has a snapping point" +"My best employee is a Chinese guy","He's always China do his best" +"Wanna know what the benefit of mirrorles cameras is","You can finally take pictures of vampires" +"My dad laid this pun on me earlier Dad: What time are you home tonight","Me: About ten-ish Dad: I prefer golf over ten-ish" +"My girlfriend and I invented the calendar together","It was our first date" +"Why do ducks make bad plumbers","Because they leave your waterfowl, the bill is always on the front end, and they have excessive plumbers quack" +"I just took my last exam before graduating out of culinary school","The final was a piece of cake" +"An American, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German man are all watching a street performer The street performer notices the four men are very far to the back and cannot see, so he stands on a box and continues his performance while asking, Can you all see me now. Yes. Oui. Si","Ya" +"I hate when salespeople in camera stores talk at me","I just can’t focus" +"Does anybody need an ark","because I Noah guy" +"My wife said either me or the books","We are no longer Tolkien with each other" +"What is an alien's favourite medical drama","Greys' Anatomy" +"There most unfortunate thing that can happen to an ordinary man","Is to have an extraordinary father" +"French fries aren't from France","They come from grease" +"Sister-jokes still count, right. What do you call a midget Mexican","A paragraph, because he's half an esé" +"I can hear music coming out of my printer","I think the papers jammin' again" +"I was complaining about being scheduled to work the night of the Superbowl. Me- Ugh, I cant believe I have to work during the Superbowl","Dad- Yeah well so do all those football players" +"Which animal eats with his tail","All of them, no one removes it before eating" +"My gf was playing with my nipples Her: why do men have nipples they can't use them Me: well I guess a chest without nipples is just pointless","Her: a long sigh Me: starts running around laughing" +"How do you get a country girls attention","A Tractor" +"Classic tie joke So dad comes home from work and shows me how his tie has the long part at the front, and the short part at the back for tightening, and he says, Now if I roll these parts up to the top, together, and then let go, which part will unroll and hit the bottom first. Um, the shorter part. He looks down, rolls up his tie, releases it, then looks up at me","It's a tie" +"I was distracted playing pool with my son","He handed me my pool stick so I said, “Oh I guess that’s my cue" +"This sub is disappointing me lately","I'm going to try the meatball next time" +"Came home from seeing the doctor, and my dad got me. Me: They think they've ruled out cancer, and they're leaning towards it being an auto-immune disease. Him: Well, it sucks that you won't be able to drive anymore","It took me a second to get it before the groans began" +"What sound does a nut make when it sneezes","CASHEWWWW" +"I used to break into secure servers. But now","I just can't hack it." +"What do you call breakfast at a hotel in Green Bay","Wis-continental" +"The dad joke that made a bus full of people groan I was on a bus a few days before Halloween. The bus started to depart but stopped suddenly when the driver noticed two young men running toward it trying to get on. One was dressed like a bottle of ketchup and the other a bottle of mustard. The mustard bottle was losing his head piece and falling behind. Me: Oh look","Mustard trying to ketchup" +"Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams & Bruno Mars met in a bar","But they didn't planet that way" +"I saw the film San Andreas","It had its faults" +"Got my GF so good, she didn't even know Her: I should go to Target. Me: Is that what you're. aiming. to do. *whooooosh* Her: That was so bad it went right over my head. Me: Too bad there wasn't an apple up there",":D" +"Did you hear about the Quarry that went out of business","They hit rock bottom" +"My girlfriend and I are having a pregnancy scare, and she's better prepared to be a father than I am","Last night while discussing our options and what could possibly happen, she said I have such a gut feeling I'm pregnant and gave me the slyest look I've ever seen" +"What's the name of the Sith Lord with really stiff and sore joints","Darth Ritis Credit to my cousin for this one" +"Dads on Dungeons and Dragons Dad: I see you're playing Dungeons and Dragons, is your character a dwarf. Me: I'm playing a Gnome dad. we've been over this Dad: I'm sorry - I must not be familiar with the","Gnomenclature" +"Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops","Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse" +"Someone told me of this alcholic guys ghost that got fired from his haunting job for poor performance","Apparently, he couldn't handle his boos" +"How do you know a person is old","When they remember the dead sea as just being a little sick" +"Did you know the Haitian alphabet is only 25 letters long","It's because they hate E" +"What did the lesbians use for their bedroom floor","Tongue and groove" +"What bee is most indecisive","A May bee" +"My husband (who is a dad) dad joked me over text message for the first time today. Me: I turned Pandora off, but it is still playing and I would have to completely close all my school work tabs to shut the stupid thing down. Several songs later, and it still won't go away","):| Him: You have opened Pandora's Box" +"Why is hot faster than cold","You can always catch a cold" +"My son needed help with his homework: He asked Do you know anything about Pavlov's dog or Schrodinger's cat","&#x200B; It rang a bell, but I don't know if I knew anything or not" +"As a recent college grad, I had a realization","I understand my field *to a degree*" +"If you wanna find the gender of an ant, put it in water","If it drowns it’s a girl ant, if it floats it’s buoyant" +"Why does PETA never keep secrets","They hate it when people don't let the cat out of the bag" +"Why can’t dinosaurs clap","Because they’re dead" +"Why was Luke Skywalker unlucky with love","He was looking in Alderaan places" +"I feel bad for the guy laughing in the operating room","He is in stitches as we speak." +"My doctor really enjoys testing reflexes","He gets a kick out of it" +"Why can't T-Rexes clap with their hands","Because they're extinct" +"Someone bet me £1000 that. I couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. I told them that","I couldn't take the bet, the steaks were too high." +"I told my dad that. I was serious about buying nitrous oxide but he laughed at me","But look who's laughing now" +"A panda walks into a restaurant He eats, shoots the waiter, and leaves without another word. Later that night the police caught up to him and asked the panda why he did such a thing The panda replied with look me up in an encyclopedia When the officer went home, he took his encyclopedia and did as the panda said","The article said eats chutes and leaves" +"I'm like a credit card","Constantly being used and declined" +"Wanna hear a cat joke","Ah, just kitten" +"Would you like the regular fries with that. My dad","No I'll have the irregular fries" +"Got a groan and a laugh at work today So I had a table say they had a hair in their food. I went and apologized and said I would remake it immediately. I brought it out to the table and I told them the secret ingredient I used this time was NAIR. The dad laughed, the mom groaned, and the kid asked what NAIR was, the mom said it was Hair Remover . The look on the kid's face when she recognized the joke was amazing","Best shift of my life" +"My husband dropped his plate on the bed","Now we have to rest in peas" +"Did you hear about the guy whose entire left side was cut off","He's all right" +"We should genetically engineer a long fruit with blue stars and red/white stripes on it","It should be called The Star-Spangled Bananer" +"What do you call a fat psychic","A four-chin teller" +"Yesterday, I ate a clock","It was very time consuming" +"Why weren’t any of the pregnant women hungry","They gestate" +"I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick","She still isn’t talking to me" +"What's a duck' s favorite food","GUAC" +"What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo","One's heavy, one's a little lighter" +"My friend said he wasn't feeling very merry this season","So I asked him if he was feeling joseph" +"My wife set me up perfectly. She was writing an email back to her father who has a tendency to be vague. Wife: You know,communication is really a lost art. I'd say I'm a good judge of that. Me: I guess that makes you a rater of a lost art","*Groans*" +"How are most anti-vax kids and memes the same","They both die in new" +"While blending home cooked baby food for my 5 month old this morning I turned to my wife and said, “I’ve done it","I’ve accomplished whirled peas" +"Excuses are like assholes. Back in college, a friend, upon being offered my excuse for something long since forgotten, started replying Excuses are like assholes. I interrupted her with If you don't have one, you get stuck with shit you don't want","My finest college moment" +"The people at my hair salon make me wanna","Curl up and dye" +"Wife got me the other day We parked under a tree and as we were walking away I had to turn back because I forgot to lock the car. Me - shit, forgot to lock the car","Wife - you might want to do that cause the tree is looking a little shadey" +"What do you call George Washington's false teeth","Presidentures" +"Why does Apu from the The Simpsons always upvote reposts on r/DadJokes. He's saying: Thank you, karma gain","Now why the _rest of you_ upvote reposts I have no f'ing idea" +"I was worried it would get too hot watching the Championship final in Spain","Dad told me not to worry, there'll be more fans than ever this year" +"I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked whether I had a criminal record. I replied: No","Is that still a requirement" +"What do you call a Mexican midget. A paragraph","They’re too short to be an ese" +"What's the best thing about dating a geologist","They are very sedimental" +"MY wife said. I had no sense of. Direction. I was so mad","I packed up and right left away" +"Don't know why I even asked http://i. imgur. com/Bm89mTT","jpg" +"What do you call a monkey in a mine field","A baboom" +"Dad Joked my Mom. Today, I got my braces removed. A few mintues ago, my Momed texted my asking me Hey honey, text me a photo of those choppers. I did as she asked and sent her this picture. http://imgur","com/F8oMxHO" +"Did you hear about the new broom. It's sweeping the nation","(My wife HATES this one)" +"How does a duck fart","With his ass quack" +"Have you heard of the guy who couldn't say yes","He was such a know it all" +"Dogs can not operate. MRI machines","But catscan" +"Why are ancient history lecturers boring","They tend to babylon" +"Had a lot of people staring at me for laughing at this during class. http://i. imgur. com/zEWZPVZ","jpg" +"I want to host an astronomy themed party","but I'm too busy to planet" +"Did you guys know that Sam was a singer","I for one, never knew that Samsung" +"Can you call me a taxi","Ok, you're a taxi My dad literally just did this" +"Had to Buy Some Nail Clippers I went to the convenience store on my college campus because I needed to get some nail clippers. A girl I knew walked in and this exchange was had after we had started talking: Me: The only good clippers they had were in this pack with this other body care stuff, do you want any of it. Girl: Sure, but those are toenail clippers. There are some fingernail clippers over there (very small ones). Me: I have very thick nails, so those won't cut it. The look she gave me told me how close she was to groaning","Edit: Spelling" +"What do you call a counterfeit phone","A phoney" +"What does a Hawaiian Spider do in his free time","Surf the web" +"What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle","Attire" +"What are two things you can’t eat for lunch","Breakfast and dinner" +"What do you get when you cross Captain America with the Incredible Hulk","The Star-Spangled Banner" +"Dad . What's an alcoholic . Now son, you see the two people in the distance . An alcoholic would see four instead. But dad, there's only one of them","(Inspired from 9gag's *Like father like son*)" +"I'm almost finished with my. Christmas gifts","I'm wrapping things up." +"I went to an economics carnival the other day, but no one was working the rides. I guess you could say it was a","Laissez-Faire" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When it becomes apparent" +"I need someone to repair the stone wall in the front of my house, but I don’t have a lot of money","Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like" +"Making jokes in the bathroom I went to see a Led Zeppelin tribute band last night, and stopped by the bathroom before the show started. I was washing my hands, and there was a woman washing her hands at the next adjacent sink. The soap dispenser between us said Zep on it, it was the brand of the thing, so I pointed at it and said oh, it's kinda neat that they got themed soap for the event . It took her a second to realize that a stranger was talking to her and to look where I was pointing. But she ended up laughing, and told someone else too. Which is great, because telling jokes to strangers in the bathroom seems like a risky gamble","It could have been received any way" +"I planted my tomato plants too late this year","Now they're playing ketchup" +"Can you talk about Philosophy","Because I Kant" +"My wife asked me to check the mail I grabbed my crotch and said yep, still male","True story" +"Bad. Puns. Are. How. Eye","Roll" +"I asked my dad why he wasnt an organ donor","He said it's because he only has pianos." +"Why do women only rap on their periods","Because they have a mad flow" +"My dad's favorite insult Dad: you're an ankle Me:","Dad: 3 feet lower than a pu$$y" +"Who do you call when you want to make sure you'll keep your job","Firefighters" +"So the doctor sat me down and gently revealed to me me that my child is a boy trapped in a girls body. Until my wife gives birth that is","Only three more months to go" +"Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables","It’s a master peas" +"Mountains aren't just funny","they're hill areas" +"What do you call a rectangle that got into an accident","a wrecked angle" +"My cat has been begging for food a lot earlier","He'll learn soon enough, that times have changed." +"Watching the women's 100M with my wife and son. My wife comments, She has a big butt for a runner. I follow with, The short distance runners have bigger butts, the longer distance runners don't","They run their ass off" +"My brother unintentionally dadjoked us all in the car last night. We were driving to a friend's place when my brother points out a house with a rather large window and says, That window must be a pain to wash","It took us all about 3 seconds before we all groaned" +"I'm thinking about giving away my theremin","I haven't really touched it in years" +"Have you hear of this female rapper who only battles on her menstrual cycle","She has a mean flow" +"What do a dead battery and a maxed out credit card have in common","They both decline the charges" +"I have a dryer sense of humor. It's right next to my washer sense of humor. Background: explaining a dumb joke to a girl and it got awkward and I just tried to make it go away by saying I have a dryer sense of humor , then immediately saw my opportunity and whipped out It's right next to my washer sense of humor","We laughed" +"Mickey Mouse received a call from his lawyer. Telling him that he couldn’t divorce Minnie just because she was fucking crazy","Mickey replied “no you idiot, I said she was fucking goofy" +"What do you call it when two coconuts get into an accident","A pina Collide-a" +"If you are on a hike in Canada, you need to spot at least two grizzlies before calling the authorities","That’s the bear minimum" +"I think I might start a company. It will be part carpentry, part private investigation","I'll call it, I Saw That" +"Have you heard the difference between a choo choo tran and a brthday","Neither have i" +"Told by my professor today","The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is always just a whim away" +"everything is closed on thanksgiving. First off, I'm new here. I've only been a dad for a few years but, I'm not sure i'll ever be able to top this and the circumstances of the set up were so chance and specific, I will never be able to use this again. This is what inspired me to seek you out and tell my story. So, like most thanksgivings, we went to a relatives house and had very large but unusually early dinner. We went home and by nine or ten o'clock we had the little one off to sleep and my wife and I were getting hungry and wanted something simple. She asked for fast food and I was willing to oblige. I drove to Taco Bell and it was closed. I called my wife, sorry Taco Bell is closed. What do you want from BK. I then drove to BK and discovered it was also closed. Called the wife Sorry honey, BK is closed. What do you want from McDonald's. You might see were this is going and, if you haven't already guessed it, Micky D's was closed too. Ok, I'm just going to the gas station. What do you want. She asked for cheddar fries and I was willing to oblige. Got in side, no cheddar fries. I grab her funyuns. She like funyuns, it will be fine. As a joke (not the one we are leading up to) I called her on my way home and told her the gas station was closed too. I got home, told her the truth about the gas station and gave her the back up back up back up back up back up plan bag of funyuns. She joked around about the number of times I had failed her in one outing (keep in mind, I had been giving her a hard time through this whole event) and then asked me for a soda from the fridge. So is This when the magic happened. I was opening the fridge when the gravity of the situation and what was at stake here suddenly struck me. I closed the fridge, got out a glass and filled it with water. I brought it back to her in the living room. She says why did you bring me water","THE FRIDGE WAS CLOSED" +"You cant spell advertisements without","The semen in between the tits" +"What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter","Dear Sir, We are writing to you because you have violated copyright…" +"Son -. Dad. I'm high. Dad -(while standing on a chair). But","I'm higher" +"What was Beethoven’s favorite snack","BA-NA-NA-NA" +"Friend's dad dadjoked me on spring break Did you hear that new middle eastern song they're playing on the radio","What a Baghdad had" +"What do you call linking up your watches to form a belt","A complete waist of time" +"Dad joked on family movie night this was years ago, I had forgotten until it came up in conversation today. when Finding Nemo came out on DVD most of us hadn't seen it, and my oldest sister was home from her first year in college. my mom gets all excited to have a Disney movie night for old time's sake and makes a big deal about it. so we all get settled with popcorn and all, and the movie begins. if you haven't seen it, the first scene is a bit tragic. to refresh people's memory, a barracuda attacks the soon-to-be parents and eats the mom and unhatched eggs. this is probably less than 5 minutes into the movie. it's dead quiet in the house as Marlin swims around yelling for his mate and looking in the now empty spot where their eggs were hidden. He sees the lone surviving egg on the ocean floor and swims to it. honoring his deceased mate's wishes, he names his only child Nemo instantly my dad stands up, turns off the TV and says Ha. I found him. that was fun. and walks away","tl;dr: my dad beat the whole family in a game of Finding Nemo" +"How do you make holy water","Boil the hell out of it" +"Got by my wife She threw a bag of crisps at me, spilling my beer","I said why did you do that, to which she responded I didn't mean to, it was a snacksident" +"You wanna know how I got through Middle East really fast","Iran" +"What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo","One is heavier and the other is a little lighter" +"What kind of shoes do thieves wear","Sneakers" +"Why is Gandalf a terrible teacher","He starts by telling you that you shall not pass" +"As a traffic planner I was asked how and where I intended to improve flow through intersections","I pointed on the map and said, Roundabout here" +"The Solar Panel goes home one night, rejecting his wife’s advances. He says, “I’m sorry honey","I’ve just got no energy at night" +"A little known fact about English footballer Danny Welbeck","His father was a bomb disposal expert called Stan" +"The questionnaire said to describe myself in just one word","I went with 'Doesn't follow directions" +"What does Batman get from Starbucks","Just ice" +"Girlfriend was walking up the stairs. I was following behind her after we just got home. She asked how her butt looked from my angle and I said","Well your sweater is covering part of it so I'd say about half-assed" +"I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus from Amazon that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank","I have no words to describe how angry I am" +"My 6yo son me. Me: Don't eat all of those Swedish fish at once you get a stomachache. Him: I won't Daddy. I'll eat them one at a time","So proud of him" +"I returned home after my court case and saw a sign saying “Welcome home, Dad” hanging from the foyer","It was a suspended sentence" +"I just learned Cardi B has a cousin who’s really into fitness","She’s called Cardi O" +"After an explosion at the french cheese factory","all that was left was de brie" +"A sex offender once came to me for help","I was touched" +"Three years ago, today, my wife told me we were unexpectedly pregnant with our second child","He thinks he's funny" +"Its funny how similar “dad joke” and “bad joke” looks","In fact it looks the same the father away you are" +"I have no idea why the elevator's buttons are burning hot. But","I just can't put my finger on it" +"Well, well, well","Three holes in the ground" +"I finally quit drinking for good. Now","I drink for evil" +"Vultures I work at a zoo on weekends. We were feeding the King Vultures their meat diets today. The female almost always gets her meat stolen by the male, so we have to keep the male away while she eats the meat off the exhibit floor. The other keeper wondered aloud why the male would want her food when he has the same thing waiting on his perch. I said He must prefer *ground* beef","Thank you" +"I just heard there was a bomb threat at. Legoland…","Well, if there was one place that was easy to rebuild…" +"Asked my wife to see if her paycheck had come in the mail. She said ok I'll check","Damn I married a winner" +"What’s the hand’s favorite season","Thumber" +"Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer","He really couldn’t see himself doing it" +"A super attractive doctor. Told a patient, You're going to die, give up, there's nothing we can do","It was a super-callous-fatalistic-sexy-diagnosis" +"I remember an era when the temperature was always nice in summer; but we had deep snowfall in winter","It was the best of climes; it was the worst of climes" +"A DadJoke that I donate to the community. I thought of this while eating oatmeal. My son is only 15 months old, so I donate it to those of you who have children old enough to groan. Me: If people eat oatmeal for breakfast, what do goats eat. Kid: What. Me: Goat-meal. Kid: <groan> Me: If people eat oatmeal for breakfast, and goats eat goat-meal, what do boats eat. Kid: (hopefully) Boat-meal","Me: No, boats don't eat" +"Alcoholics don’t run in my family","But sometimes they fall down the stairs." +"Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo Head and Shoulders","…have not followed up with a bodywash called, Knees and toes" +"Got my dad whilst eating a box celebrations chocolates. I took one of the chocolates without him noticing and placed it upon my head. I then turned to him with a very stern face and said Dad i need to talk to you about something dad: what son. me: I am actually really afraid for my life dad: what are you talking about. me: i think someone has been payed to kill me dad: what , why. me: I guess you could say someone has *tilting head forward to reveal the chocolate* placed a bounty on my head He cried a little with laughter and said he missed having me around (he recently moved country with my mum) because mum dosn't make those kind of jokes","It was a beautiful father son bonding moment" +"Why does sandwich meat always look deformed","Because it is inbred" +"GF said her glasses had a prism in the lenses. Is that where the criminal light goes","- me uhgggg - gf" +"Two blondes walked into a building","You'd have thought one would have seen it" +"My dad got me while listing the legislative buildings of several countries. He said, “The US has Capitol Hill, Germany has the Reichstag Building, the UK has the Palace of Westminster","and Australia has the Outback Statehouse" +"How many optometrists does it take to screw in a light bulb. 1 or 2","1 or 2" +"Did you know the first french fry wasn't cooked in France. Where was it cooked then","In Greece" +"Who dated the autistic savant","The autistic savuncle" +"what did batman say to robin before they got in the batmobile","“robin, get in the batmobile”" +"What kind of bagel can fly","A plain bagel" +"Why did the old woman fall down the well","She couldn't see that well" +"Why do bears have hairy coats","Fur protection" +"VIAGRA. It won't make you James Bond","but, it would make you Roger Moore" +"Dad: I’M GOING TO BUY A BROOM AND CLEAN THE KITCHEN FLOOR TODAY. Dad: Oh wait. It’s Wednesday. Tonight I have to be at work until 9","Dad: I really shouldn’t make sweeping declarations" +"My lad got arrested for setting a house on fire","the police told me it was arson" +"Why couldn't the bicycle make it up the hill","Because it was two tired" +"Was complaining to a friend about my to do list. He suggested a way of instantly cutting it in half. With Scissors","My Dad sense of humor appreciated this" +"I bought my kids a bunch of Sharpies to play with, and my wife is mad at me. It is weird though","She wakes up every day with a huge smile on her face" +"Strap in for a long one. So there's this boy, he's 7 years old, and he has a real passion for tractors. He tells everyone when he grows up, he wants to work at JCB building tractors. His bedroom walls are covered in John Deere posters. He spends hours and hours watching farmers tend to their fields with he equipment he holds in such high regard. When he watches TV it's about tractors. It's all he thinks about, all he talks about and all he's ever dreamed of. His 8th birthday is coming up and his Dad asks him. Son, what would you like for your birthday. The boy doesn't hesitate. All I want for my birthday is a tractor ride. Dad ruffles his hair and says Son. I'll see what I can do Sure enough, the boy's 8th birthday rolls around. Dad straps him into the car and tells the boy he's a surprise for him. They arrive some minutes later at a farm. This is when the boy twigs. As the boy had expected, the farmer comes out and exclaims Boy, do I have a surprise for you. He leads him to the tractor, jumps in and sits the boy on his lap. He sets off on the journey the little man had always dreamed of. After some time, the Farmer asks Hey birthday boy, wanna drive. The boy is stunned, he has reached the pinnacle, life cannot possibly get better. So he's driving along, living the dream. Out of nowhere a little girl runs out in front of the tractor. Disaster. He strikes the girl with a sickening crack. The scene is devastating. The boy is stunned. When he gets home, he tears all his posters off the wall. Disavows tractors, farmers, farms, the lot. He spends whole days crying. He swears never to think about tractors again. Fast forward some years and he's a young man, on his way home from work when he comes across a burning building. He sees the firefighters struggling. He breaths out deeply and inhales so vigorously that he sucks all the oxygen away, starving the flame, saving the day. The firefighters ask hey, how did you do that He turns to them and replies","I'm an Extractor Fan" +"What do you call a fish with no eyes","A fssssssh" +"My dad got my mom earlier and then fist bumped me. So my wisdom teeth have been coming in lately and my dad hit my mom with this one. Dad: Yeah I've never had any wisdom teeth Mom: Huh. Me: Some people don't get their wisdo- Dad: ALL MY TEETH WERE STUPID TEETH","While grinning like a maniac while my mom groaned" +"Dad: When you see cops walk by, make sure you’re not standing next to your best friend","They might arrest you for homie side" +"Swearing *sitting in a coffee shop with my girlfriend and 4 yr old daughter. kid's looking at the letters on the coffee cups* Kid: Daddy, why are the letters all smooshed together. Gf: It's called handwriting. Kid: What's the last letter. I don't remember it. Gf: It's an S . Do you know a word that starts with S. Me: Shit. Gf: And why, of all words, did you use shit","Me: I'm speaking in cursive Gf: ಠ_ಠ" +"Couldn't believe I got funding for my new bedding and rope project","I sheet you knot" +"What did Thanos say after he snapped his fingers","Woah there partner, this could of been an endgame spoiler, better be more careful next time" +"If. U2 ever breaks up. I hope. The. Edge's lawyer isn't pro","Bono" +"I haven't worked in over a year","Don't tell my boss I said that" +"There was an emergency when. I used an impact driver to make a hole in the wall","It was not a drill" +"I'm thinking of selling my theremin","I haven't touched it in years" +"Two photographer friends of mine went on a date together and immediately decided to get into a relationship","My other friends found this really weird but I think those two just clicked with one another really well" +"Who designed King Arthur’s round table","Sir Cumference" +"Why Does a chicken Coop only have two doors","Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken Sedan" +"What do you call a beehive with no exit","Unbelievable" +"I asked my wife, “Is it true that Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. ” Her: Yes","Me: How did he reach the part between the shoulders" +"Why do humans have different blood groups","So mosquitos can enjoy different flavors" +"I just got a job offer to be a medieval escort","Unfortunately, it means I have to work fucking knights" +"What do you call a goose that has changed sex","Transgander" +"Why do clumsy farmers make the best DJs","They are most likely to drop a good beet" +"Did you know that there is a special motel room for relatives","Suite home Alabama" +"E y e r o n i c. So. I went to the eye doctor today she was blind in one eye","Oh, the eyerony!" +"Check out this tailgater acting like he's all that. http://i. imgur. com//uwSE0DV","jpg" +"I met Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother today","His name is Brocko Lee" +"What do you call 3 rabbits running backwards in unison","A receding hare-line" +"Descartes walked into a bar The bartender asked, 'Would you care for a beer. ' Descartes replied, 'I think not,' and \*poof\*","He disappeared" +"I was in a KFC in Prague, standing in line waiting to order my lunch when I noticed the beautiful girl wearing a black and white tiled apron who was giving the man in front of me a bucket of Buffalo wings. and then it dawned on me","I was checking out a chequered Czech check-out chick who was checking out some chicken at the checkout" +"Why didn't the Rabbi like Minute Maid","It contains acidic juice" +"So my dad was leaving for work this morning","On his way out he turns to me and says, You be Beethoven, I'll be Bach" +"I ordered a chicken and an egg on. Amazon","I'll let you know." +"Who stole the soap","The robber ducky" +"What's your favorite Robin Williams movie. Without a doubt, mine is Mrs","Fire" +"I'd make a camera joke","But it'll dissappear in a flash with all the other jokes here" +"A piece of rope walks into a bar Bartender: We don’t serve your kind here Rope: *walks out and ties himself up and spikes it’s hair* Bartender: Aren’t you the guy I just told to get out","Rope: I’m a frayed knot" +"I can count the amount of times. Ive been to. Chernobyl on one hand","It's 8" +"My grandfather made sure I inherited his protein shake collection","Where there’s a will, there is a whey" +"What kind of alcohol makes your butt feel cold","Brrrrrrrbun" +"Why did the man have a full beard on his wedding day","He didn't believe in shaving himself for marriage" +"My knowledge isn't too good when it comes to. Greek mythology. It's always been my","Achilles elbow" +"A man is washing his car with his son. The son says","Why can’t you just use a sponge" +"My mate. Kelvin just graduated from. Uni","He's an absolute unit" +"Why are Hindus so peaceful","Because they have no beef" +"I am suspicious that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection","She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns" +"Can a werewolf drink Coors light","No, because it's the silver bullet" +"Whats the difference between Hitler and Logan Paul","Hitler knew when to kill himself" +"I don’t like people who take drugs…","For example, airport security." +"So a man asked his gym teacher to teach him to do the splits. The gym teacher said “How flexible are you","” So the man said “Well, I can’t make Tuesday’s”" +"Y'know, I always ask my stubborn and difficult friend Cooper why he's named Cooper","Because he never cooperates" +"Kim Kardashian & Kanye West named their new born Psalm West. I have only one question","Is it a hymn or a her" +"The secret service isn't allowed to yell Get down. anymore when the president is about to be attacked","Now they have to yell Donald, duck" +"My chiropractor is serious as hell","But he always cracks me up" +"Two wind turbines are in a field. One asks the other, “What’s your favorite kind of music","” The other says “Well I’m a huge metal fan" +"What does the italian dish say when you ask it why its locked out of the house","Gnocchi" +"Can we do something about u/analwhore6969","He's been trolling this subreddit for a bit and posting comments reffering to incest and random stuff" +"What did the eye get from its dad after being naughty","Eyelashes" +"I got some devastating news from the hospital today. My dad was pronounced dead","I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time" +"I’ll always remember what my grandpa told me on his deathbed—He said, “Always make sure you’re not part of the problem. ” “","Try your best to be the whole problem" +"My kids think I'm corny, but","at least they don't think my jokes shuck" +"If porn was a book","It would be a fantasy" +"I just spent a whole hour writing with a broken pencil","before I realized that it was pointless" +"What do you call Persian calligraphy","Artsy-Farsi" +"What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race","Ketchup" +"Why was six scared of seven","Because seven was a registered six offender" +"What do you call 2 movie stars fighting","Star Wars" +"Hey guys, anybody else with social anxiety wanna meet up tomorrow","Oh wait, Shit, I can't go, I am too busy Maybe another time I am so sorry" +"Walked into a restaurant. Could I please have the table in the corner. I asked the waiter. He said Yes","I said Thanks, I might need your help carrying it to my car" +"How do alcoholics get into their home","Wis-key" +"A ghost just tried to tell me something that. I knew wasn't true","I saw right through him" +"I wanted to tell a joke about programming","But it didn't seem to be running" +"What floats like matter that has no fixed shape or volume and stings like a bee","Gaseous Clay" +"I can cut wood in half with a mere stare. It's true","I saw it with my own eyes" +"The new guy at work is named Kelvin. I asked him if he was a temp. He said no","I said, Cool" +"I'm terrified of elevators","You know, I'm going to take steps to avoid them" +"Is this a slipper, daddy. Yep, sure is son. Oops I dropped it. Too slippery. He's two and already a dad. I'm so proud","" +"This sub in a nutshell. https://imgur","com/9E6GUv9" +"Which continent is smaller than Europe","Eustring" +"I'm not sure if I'm good at golf or not","I've been told I'm sub-par" +"My son got me while I was scanning a sketch he drew of a dragon. While Photoshopping a scan of a dragon he drew in pencil, I stated I was going to convert it to grayscale. His response","Can we convert it to red scales, instead" +"What is Forrest Gump's password","1Forrest1" +"The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference","He acquired his size from too much pi" +"Two men walk into a bar","The next one ducks" +"Our uni teacher didnt know what a girl in our class looked like so he asked what does alexis look like","I said like a subaru but nicer" +"How much does a dragon weigh","Depends on the scales" +"My girlfriend and I are traveling. And she said, I want to pack light. and I responded with, Okay, you're going to need some flashlights, a lantern, and a few packs of matches","The groaning was endless" +"Koalas What do Koala bears call spending time with each other","Koality time" +"I'm reading a book about anti-gravity","It's impossible to put down" +"I once shot a bear in my pajamas","How it ever got into my pajamas I'll never know" +"Husband Got Me Tonight, and He's Not Even a Member of This Subreddit. So, I don't have a cell phone, I'm a luddite, so I had him take a picture of my tattoo because /u/AlbinoAlex asked for a pic, told the hubby to email it to me. It didn't arrive quickly, so I told him to send it again. I received the email about 4 minutes later and he asked me, What was the email titled. I said, Tat he then said, That was the first email then, as the second one I titled Tat2 . SOOO much laughter from both ends","What a Dad joke" +"My dad is picking up tickets to a baseball game tonight and asked where I wanted to sit","I said in the stadium" +"I think my wife is covering my rifle collection with glue","She's denying it, but I'm sticking to my guns" +"I walked into a bar and heard, “Great tie. ” I looked around but didn't see anyone, then suddenly heard, “Beautiful suit. ” Wondering what was going on, I saw the bartender, walked up to him and asked, “I heard a voice talking about my suit and tie and that they looked cool, but no one’s around. Dude, what’s up. ” The bartender smiled, “Oh yeah, those are the peanuts","They’re complimentary" +"What award did Gaston of Beauty and The Beast won","The No Belle prize" +"Have you seen the movie Congestion yet. No, didn't think so","It's probably because it hasn't come out yet" +"I like my puns indented","Like this \&nbsp;\&nbsp;\&nbsp;\&nbsp;Puns \&nbsp;\&nbsp;\&nbsp;\&nbsp;Puns \&nbsp;\&nbsp;\&nbsp;\&nbsp;Puns" +"We should go to Hawaii again. Wife: We should go to Hawaii again. Me: No, everytime we go to Hawaii you get pregnant. Wife: We have only been to Hawaii once","Me: and you got pregnant" +"I asked my friend to rate my listening skills and he said, You're an 8 on a scale of 10","Really don't understand why he told me to urinate on a skeleton." +"Sinks can’t open doors","Let that sink in" +"I sent a photo via text to my Dad. In the photo, was my toddler twins in their big kid stroller for the first time, and I told him so","My father responded where are you going to get the goat to pull it" +"Which room will you never see a ghost in","The living room" +"Do you know why hummingbirds hum","Because they don't know the words" +"What do you call a crazy co-manager","A psy-co" +"How do Communists spread their propaganda","Using Commiercials" +"What do you call a cow with no feet. Ground beef","Hahahahaha My 8 year old won't stop telling me this joke" +"I can't believe it's going to snow today -- But it's 60 degrees out","Exactly, that's why I can't believe it's going to snow" +"I walked in on my dad talking to the floor. He kept saying, no. I know better but I ask anyway, what are you doing","He gives me that awful dad look and says, Saying no to rugs" +"I hate how. EA has a monopoly on. NFL. Football videogames","It really maddens me." +"Got my roommate while he was playing grand theft auto He had to do an emergency landing in the desert and took out a bunch of cacti with his wing. Him: Stupid cacti, I didn't like them anyways","Me: Yeah, they were a bunch of pricks" +"Just so everyone is clear","I'm gonna put on my glasses" +"What do you call a cheap circumcision","A rip-off" +"I was driving to work one day, when I saw a man trying to steal a gate","I was going to stop and say something, but I was worried he might take a fence" +"A Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar","and it doesn't" +"My wife and I were happy for 20 years","and then we met eachother" +"Did you hear about the big cat that escaped from the zoo","If I see it I might puma pants" +"My Dad says this joke every time we're at the dinner table Someone: Ooh I think I've eaten something that disagrees with me","Dad:*Gestures with his hand in front of their stomach, symbolizing their stomach talking* No you haven't" +"My boss asked me for a list. Me: Here's that list you wanted sir. Him: Did you check it twice","This followed by him laughing hysterically and I being completely uncomfortable" +"I rented out a room to two beautiful Chinese Women. They never complain, they keep to themselves and they always pay their rent on time. The only weird thing is they insist on paying me in stir-fry","But all in all, I guess they're pretty lo mein tenants" +"My dad at every parade when the pooper scooper guy comes by. *That would be a shitty job. * *That job must stink","* *What a crappy career choice" +"This is an old joke but my dad literally told me this one last week: “Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich","’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich" +"Did you hear about the chemist who was arrested","He threw sodium chloride at his wife, that's a salt" +"Abbott and Costello meet Microsoft Windows If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, Who’s on first. might have turned out something like this: Bud Abbott: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you. Lou Costello: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer. Bud Abbott: Mac. Lou Costello: No, the name’s Lou. Bud Abbott: Your computer. Lou Costello: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one. Bud Abbott: Mac. Lou Costello: I told you, my name’s Lou. Bud Abbott: What about Windows. Lou Costello: Why. Will it get stuffy in here. Bud Abbott: Do you want a computer with Windows. Lou Costello: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows. Bud Abbott: Wallpaper. [http://bestcleanfunnyjokes. com/abbott-and-costello-meet-microsoft-windows/](http://bestcleanfunnyjokes","com/abbott-and-costello-meet-microsoft-windows/)" +"Why did the Spanish guy buy two nuts instead of one","Because he likes dos nuts" +"The turkey could've been better","It tasted fowl" +"Why don't ants get sick","Because they have little antibodies" +"A cow gave me fantastic life advice","The cow told me to live in the moo-ment." +"What do you call a vegetable that's standing in line","A Queuecumber" +"A snail turned up at my birthday party He started to become a nuisance and was aggravating my other guests so I decided to pick him up and throw him out","He then showed up at my next birthday party and said what did you do that for" +"Why are so many West Country farmers going to prison","They're in cider trading" +"I Always Knock On The Fridge Door Before Opening It","Just in case there's a salad dressing" +"At 3:30 yesterday, a coworker asked if I could can you just make it 4:00 already","I replied, I sure can, but it'll take me about half an hour" +"My dad asked me which Super Bowl commercial I liked better, the Doritos one or the Mountain Dew one","I told him, It's a tie, dad" +"Excuse me, this coffee tastes like dirt Of course it does, it's fresh ground. Edit: This, of course, is an Amazon Echo dad joke","It's a rock solid piece of machinery" +"Never challenge Death to a pillow fight","Unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions" +"My coworker said we should think of cocaine puns on the job","I said, That's snort a good idea" +"Hi /r/dadjokes, I'm new here, here's my favorite dad joke Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant Son, I'm not mad","Just disappointed Hi disappointed, I'm dad Son, did you just- Yes You're ready" +"Where do poor Italians live. In the spaghetto. *everyone is facepalming* . Spaget it","- My dad yesterday evening" +"My mom used to tuck me in when I was a kid","Man, she really wanted a daughter" +"Where do the knights of the round table have their annual gatherings","At the Sir-conference" +"Discussing her college path. I started as a French major","Don't you normally start as a private" +"what did the 0 say to the 8","nice belt" +"What kind of bee wanders the earth as an undead being","A zombee" +"Even Google is a dad. Picture here: https://imgur. com/SK6qjSv Source: http://www. reddit","com/r/google/comments/23jjlw/well_youre_not_wrong_google/" +"I got my dad today after we got the wrong order at McDonalds today. So we went through the drive through, and when we were handed our food, we realized that we all had gotten large fries instead of the regular medium size. Dad- what is it. large fry day. Me- no dad, it's Tuesday, not Friday","Dad- ಠ_ಠ" +"My dad told me a joke about paper","It was tearable" +"A friend of mine has just got a job as a director at Macdonalds farm","He's been made the CIEIO" +"My neighbor and I are good friends. So we thought we share our water supply","We got a long well" +"I was walking with the wife when my stomach rumbled loudly. we were just passing a middle eastern resteraunt when she says Felafel. No I feel fine, just a bit hungry","*audible moan*" +"What the heck is a praline. My cousin: What the heck is a praline","My father: It's a priest with one leg" +"Why did the farmer throw away all his pickles","They had become cumbersome" +"Dad joke at dinner Dad (holding the bread basket): Do you wanna roll. Me: Yes. Dad: Well. get on the floor. Me: Dammit dad","Pass me the freaking bread" +"Me: Here’s some good news. My wife is pregnant. Friend: Congratulations. Do you know the sex. Me: Of course I know “the sex”","How else will she get pregnant" +"It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck last year","But now I can look back and laugh" +"What’s the difference between a Russian strongman and a small tree","One wrestles bears, the other barely rustles" +"You know I heard cleaning mirrors is very good for you","It's quite self-reflective" +"Dad got me as we were driving by an Indian resturant","Do you think they'd refuse to serve cowboys there" +"My opinion of. AskReddit","It seems questionable" +"I love driving my car, makes me feel like","I'm charge of a big boat especially when it's on cruise control" +"What does the solar system use to keep its pants on","An asteroid belt" +"Whenever my friend smells, he says things in the wrong order","He's got a terrible case of body Yoda" +"I can tell if someone is lying just by looking at them","I can tell if they’re standing too" +"Why did the lonely man work on his days off","He loved the company" +"I often say to myself","I can't believe that cloning machine actually worked!" +"The dad joke combo I walk into the kitchen and start having a conversation with the old boy. I said: I'm hungry. He said: Hi hungry I'm dad. I said: Not funny, I feel like some toast. Dad touches my arm and says You do too","Good one dad" +"Gravity is such a bummer","Brings me down every day" +"What's it called when you take a call while on the toilet. Voice over","IP" +"My daughter is becoming the dad We went out to eat and this is what she said [menu] Try our 7 hour roasted roast beef. [Daughter] We have to wait 7 hours for our food to be made","/s" +"I asked my dad the best way to make more money. He told me to start working for a mint","My mom heard me groan from upstairs" +"When I was your age I used to have a job collecting leaves","I was raking it in" +"Why did the music teacher need a ladder","To reach the high notes" +"Why did the helicopter fly into the ground","Because the heavencopter was the one in the sky" +"Dad Jokes in an Asian Bistro My Brother: What is Mongolian Beef","Dad: An argument between the chef and the waiter" +"Shucking Peas with my Dad 10 Seconds Ago One pea falls out of the pod onto the ground. Dad: Oh look. an escapee","Mom and I groan" +"Why is Ireland the best country to invest in","It's capital is always dublin Got this joke from another post's comment" +"Not a dad, but I went on a date-hike. I went on a second date with this girl, and we decided to go on another hike. A bit of a back story: We're both two klutz's (she more than I) and our last hike was horrible. On our last hike she was falling in holes (there was still snow) and tripping over rocks. It was no different this time, except since there wasn't any holes or snow, we were tripping on tree roots and rocks. &nbsp; Anyways, on our way back, I stepped on a tree root and it snapped off. The following happened: **Her:** \*Looks back at what made the noise\* That scared me. I didn't know what that was **Me:** I stepped on a tree root and snapped it off. At least no one can trip on it any more. **Her:** Good. You're making these trails safer. **Me:** I think I should be a park ranger. My slogan can be: *'Making trails safer, one step at a time. '* &nbsp; It got a laugh from her, and she referred to me as a dork","but in a good way" +"What do you call a cow that cuts your grass","A lawn mooer" +"The new dog humped my wife's leg for the first time. She yelled, Get him off. Get him off","And I said, I don't think we want to reward that kind of behavior" +"What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car","Carlos" +"Who’s responsible for the fall of the Soviet Union. Everyone","They all share the blame" +"People who wear glasses must be stoked for next year","It will be the first time they see 2020" +"Why did the chicken cross the playground. To get to the other slide","I'll see myself out" +"How does a French skeleton say hello","Bone-jour" +"Fiancée: I'm full, but I don't want to waste the rest of this food","Well, it's either going to go to waste or go to waist" +"What did McGregor say when he planned to go outside in the fifth month of the year, but it was raining","Fook Mayweather" +"I can count on one hand how many times. I visited. Chernobyl","It's been 12 times" +"My Dad posted this on FaceBook. Friday . remembering my first time We had sex education at school, and were shown various films on the subject. One I especially remember was the 'how to put on a condom'. So when the time came, and I was in the position to try out what I learned at school, I took the condom and followed the instructions from the video","All was going well, when she said 'So, now what do we do with the banana" +"What do we want. Low-flying airplane noises. When do we want them","Neeeeooooooooowwwwwwww" +"Why was the tornado alone","Because he was a homewrecker" +"Why is there a fence around a cemetery","Because people are dying to get in" +"I visited a restaurant called The Ivy","Of all the places I've been to, it's the fourth best" +"What do you call a zoo with one dog","A shih tzu" +"Negativity joke from my dad. (as emailed) A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: Rome. Why would anyone want to go there. It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there. We're taking Continental, was the reply. We got a great rate. Continental. exclaimed the hairdresser. That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome. We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste. Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump. We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope. That's rich, laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it. A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. It was wonderful, explained the woman, not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great. They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge. Well, muttered the hairdresser, that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope. Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me. Oh, really. What'd he say. scroll down. He said: Who fucked up your hair","" +"The missus asked me if I thought of other women so i threw a glass of milk at her","That's the last time we are ever playing truth or dairy" +"Boyfriend got me, where do generals put their armies","In there sleevies" +"What's a frog's favourite beverage","A croaka-cola" +"The inventor of. Velcro was skeptical about the name at first","But after a while it stuck with him" +"I find it ridiculous that a restaurant would serve. Eggs. Benedict on a hubcap","But there really is no place like chrome for the hollandaise" +"My dad's advice on marriage to my brothers was simple. All he said was: Don't get down on one knee for a girl who won't get down on two for you","Not sure if I should laugh or cringe" +"What’s an optimistic vampire’s favorite drink","B positive" +"Heres a bit of advice for you all","Advi" +"Mommy Balloon and Daddy Balloon have a little Baby Balloon and for the first few weeks, he sleeps in the same bed with Mommy Balloon and Daddy Balloon… …but as he grows older and bigger, Daddy Balloon insists he sleeps in his own bed. Baby Balloon doesn't like being all alone, he misses his Mommy and Daddy so much, that after a few nights, he tries to sneak back into Mommy Balloon and Daddy Balloon's bed, only to find that he had grown too big to fit in the bed with them. He decides to let some air out of Mommy Balloon, but there's still not enough room, so he let's some air out of Daddy Balloon, but again there's not enough room, so he lets some air out of himself and finally he fits into the bed. Well, the following morning Daddy Balloon is furious. I am very disappointed with you. says Daddy Balloon","Not only have you let your Mother down, but you have let me down and let yourself down" +"My son said, What rhymes with orange. I pondered for a while and thought","No, it doesn't" +"What do u call someone who steals creams from others","A creaminal" +"Why is Humpty Dumpty so optimistic about the coming Winter","Because he had a great Fall" +"How did the Jewish soccer player get hurt. He Torah ligament. Courtesy of my 13 year old son who is soon having bar mitzvah","I love that my kids now make their own dad jokes" +"My doctor said I was going deaf","Haven't heared of him since then" +"A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2. In the Bahamas it is $3","These are the pie rates of the Carribean" +"My girlfriend really likes to cosplay as gardening tools","Often, she's a hoe" +"I broke my finger. But on the other hand,","I'm ok." +"If a friend left you 12 bottles of wine on your doorstep, would you be extremely","Grapeful" +"My Chemistry Teacher keeps telling me that sulphuric acid should never be left in a metal beaker","it's an oxidant waiting to happen" +"What does a Clock do when hungry. It goes back four seconds","Credits to Cortana (or Bing)" +"My wife gave birth to our child today. Everything went well, the baby is healthy and I'm very happy If you're here looking for a punchline, you probably won't find it","This was just about the delivery" +"Avengers: Infinity War is the perfect holiday movie","for Ash Wednesday" +"Sometimes plants make better friends than people","At least they know how to photo-sympathize" +"Dad dropped a pizza joke on me today. At Costco Me- they have cheese, pepperoni, and combination pizzas. Dad- cheese and pepperoni is just pepperoni son, no need to make another fancy name. Ha ha dad","Ha ha" +"old maths teacher joke Our teacher used to love that joke - 25 years ago. A veteran maths teacher on a crap state-paid salary leaves his local mall and heads for his battered old car. When he has nearly reached it, he sees a big, expensive, luxury vehicle pulling into a parking spot nearby, and when the driver gets out he recognises him as one of the stupidest students he ever had. He approaches him and the two get chating; and it turns out the guy buys and sells specialised cardboard-boxes which companies use to ship delicate goods in. Finally the teacher says: You really seem to have done well for yourself. I must admit that I am a bit surprised. Because you never really were all that talented in shool, were you. And the guy smiles and answers: Yes, well, you know, there is not that much too it, really. I buy cardboard boxes for 1 dollar a piece, and I sell them for 4 dollars a piece","And I live off that 3% profit margin" +"I'm a police officer/dad and I got some lady last night. I was pulling up to Walmart yesterday evening for a call. As I'm going in the store there is a lady walking out with some items in her hands. In one hand she has like 4 bags of stuff and in the other arm she is carrying a large bag of Fresh Step cat litter. Anyway as we're about to pass each other, she fumbles the bag of Fresh Step, drops it and the bag bursts open. cat litter goes everywhere. Without missing a beat I looked her straight in the eye, pointed to the ground and said sternly, Ma'am, there's no littering here. She looked like she was about to cry and then just burst out laughing. I helped her pick up the bag and bring it back in the store so she could get a new one","She couldn't stop laughing the entire time" +"I went to a zoo yesterday. And they only had one animal. A tiny little fluffy dog","It was a real Shih Tzu" +"I thought of a joke. what do you call it when a Filipino hugs you. a Manilla envelope","GUYS I'VE DECIDED TO GO INTO COMEDY" +"A swearing clown was recently knighted","He has been dubbed, Sir Cuss" +"What does the fedora rely on to make ends meet","Tips" +"Why did the bee get married","Because he found his honey" +"Do you know what it sounds like when a whale cries","Blubber, blubber, blubber, blubber" +"In college, my roommates and I were so poor that we could not afford to pay our electric bills","Those were the darkest days of our lives" +"My husband asks if I'm a nose picker Husband: Do you pick your nose. Me: . yes. Why. Doesn't everyone at least once","Husband: Idk, I was just born with mine" +"Jesus may have walked on water,. But. Stephen","Hawking ran on batteries." +"Literal dad is literal. A text conversation taking place within the last 15 minutes Me: what are you up to","Dad: About 5'10" +"I'm a dad, and I regularly dad joke at work. I was sitting at my desk at work checking my email first thing in the morning. Girl next to me says to others man I wish it was Thursday. I replied Thursday. You bet I am. I'd love a coffee","I got the eyebrow raise from all of em" +"I love it when people talk about books I haven't read yet","I can always say I Reddit" +"I'm pretty sure. I saw the local meteorologist at the store the other day. It was either him, or his","Doppler-gänger." +"What's the difference between a man in a tux on a unicycle, and a man wearing jeans on a bicycle","Attire" +"Did you hear about nuclear power","It's quite radiating" +"Having lunch with a friend tomorrow. Daughter: So you're having a man date","Me: No, it's optional" +"Why did the scarecrow get a promotion","He was outstanding in his field" +"Considering getting my circumcision reversed","Anyone have any tips" +"What did the sea say to the other sea","Nothing, they just waved" +"My hunter friend offered me 8 legs of venison for £100","Is that too dear" +"Never fight off an attacking snowman with a stick","You'll only arm your attacker" +"3 engineers were arguing about who designed the human body 1: it has to be a. CompSci engineer, judging by the brain’s complexity 2: you’re wrong, it was a. Mechanics engineer, look at the muscle and skeleton systems working as one 3: you’re both wrong, it was an. Urban","Planner, otherwise waste and entertainment areas wouldn’t be adjacent." +"My dad caught me off guard this morning This literally happened this morning, and my dad got me good. I called him up on my way to work and I asked him, Hey good morning, how did you sleep. And then he said, with my eyes closed","-_-" +"How does NASA organize a party","They planet" +"Did you hear the Rock's career is suffering","I guess it's really going down the Dwayne" +"I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady asked me to check her balance - so","I pushed her over" +"Some people say. I look like a vampire but when. I look in the mirror","I just don't see it." +"My mom got me with this one when I cut my finger. We were sitting on the couch. She was watching TV and I sliced my finger on a magazine page when I turned it. Fukken A', I cursed. My mom, without looking","Fuck a B, it's got two holes" +"I got a job delivering parcels mainly in Canada and Alaska","I'm North Couriering" +"Mom and her son A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. Mom, said the boy, what are all those women doing. They're waiting for their husbands to get off work, she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth. They're hookers, boy. They have sex with men for money. The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, Is that true Mom. His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers, Yes. After a few minutes the kid asks, Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them","She said, Most of them become taxi drivers" +"What do ye call a pirate with two eyes and two legs","A rookie" +"What did the cannibal say when someone asked how old is son was","He was at a tender age" +"My wife wanted to have a talk with me because she thinks I’m too childish","But she didn’t have the password to my pillow fort, so I couldn’t let her in" +"It's a good thing they're taking care of this clown issue","It was starting to effect the bozone layer" +"So, my girlfriend got a nosebleed. She rolled up some toilet paper and put it in her nose. Me: Is it that time of the month already. Her:. Me: Because of the tampon. Her: (rolls eyes) Me: Guess that's nose sex for a weak, eh","Her: Oh shut up" +"Dad joke'd my wife this morning. She woke me up and said How did you sleep. I responded I just sort of closed my eyes and my body did the rest on its own","I'll make a good dad one day" +"I just watched a video where a guy gets electrocuted twice","It was revolting" +"Why has it always been One Week since Trump threatened a trade war","Because he's playing chicken with China, the Chinese chicken" +"My 8 year old just asked, Dad, what is matter. To which I replied, Nothing","Whattsa matter you" +"A baguette and a sandwich caught a sad movie together. The sandwich cried but the baguette didn't. Why","Cause the baguette did not have any fillings" +"My dad has a twin, but he claims they aren't the same age","When he turned 20, his twin turned twenty too" +"The furniture store called me back yet again all","I wanted was that one night stand tho..." +"From The Light Fantastic [There's been rioting,] all the shops have been smashed open. There was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that. ’ ‘Yeah,’ said Rincewind, picking up a knife and testing its blade thoughtfully","‘Luters, I expect" +"I'm writing a new. Broadway show called Puns","It's a play on words" +"I wanted to see how much flatbread. I could eat in an hour. But after 30 minutes,","I pita’d out" +"My wife just said, Nothing rhymes with orange","I said, no it doesn't" +"Rear-ended a midget Rear-ended a midget the other day","He got out of the car and told me he was not happy So I asked, which one are you" +"I hate. Russian dolls","They are so full of themselves." +"Just watched a movie about two ants that ran away to get married. It was called. Antelope. Gonna watch the sequel next where they aren't able to get married, it's called","Cantelope" +"Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Oh","those were the days" +"Are you alright. My dad does this all the time. Whenever he coughs a lot (he has asthma), I ask him if he's alright","No, I'm half left" +"My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him","But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it" +"Have you ever eaten Wookie steak","I wouldn't recommend it, way too chewy" +"A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff","Baa-Dum-Tss" +"Got my girlfriend over IM Maybe this isn't the sub for this, but here goes. Her: I'm struggling to say [obvious typo] motivated today. Me: Its okay - just sound it out","It took her a second to get it, but I could feel her rolling her eyes across the distance that separates us" +"Music selection on a boat Some friends of mine like to rent a boat every year and go enjoy a quiet day of nice summer weather on a nice lake. One friend brought a stereo with her this year and asked everybody, What kind of tunes does everyone want to listen to. I told her, Pon-tunes. Groans were had by everyone else on the boat","Edit: We were on a pontoon boat, not a pond" +"What's the difference between a mosquito and a fly. A mosquito can fly but a fly can't mosquito","My 11 year old daughter told me this one this evening lol" +"My sister asked my dad to keep an eye on her car while she was on vacation. She came back [to this](http://i. imgur. com/FW4ZBty","jpg)" +"Friends dad caught me of guard after being here. Me: hey what are you up to. Him: about six foot","Gave me a good laugh" +"Dad what is mitosis. Mitosis","Those are the things at the end of my feet" +"Darn hereditary diarrhea","Runs in the family" +"If you are american when you enter the bathroom and american when you leave what are you in the bathroom","Eropean" +"My mom and I were talking about new tennis courts in our town. She drew the layout, and each side had four courts. She said, We're going to have the courts like, this: a court here, a court here- Then my dad says, So, if you have four *quarts*, will you have a gallon","My dad and I were the only ones laughing, and my mom says, Don't laugh at his joke, swingingsalmon" +"A fairy got a date","Unfortunately, she wanted a raisin" +"My Dad just said this, I kid you not","I thought about going into broadcasting, but I couldn't throw the women very far" +"For as long as. I can remember","I've had memories" +"If that’s what Thanos’s snap did to the universe","There’s no telling what his crackle or pop will do" +"I used to think. I was indecisive. Now","I'm not so sure." +"Why don’t computers ever get robbed","They have very little cache" +"My wife is leaving me because I'm noisy, bulemic, and get spontaneous erections","She said I can't keep it down" +"I quit my job as a private driver today. After 25 years","I had nothing to show-for it." +"How do you make holy water","You boil the hell out of it" +"What did Andre 3000 say to the girl at the supermarket who was reorganizing protein powder","I like the whey you move" +"Got dadjoked for my name & signature. Must know: My name is Rick. me: *signing a passport* (its literally just scribble) dad: it looks like a reading on the Richter scale, get it. A RICKter scale This was followed by me rolling my eyes and him rewarding himself with a few giggles","Oh dad" +"I finally finished writing a recipe book","It's about thyme!" +"I quit myjob as a mailman when they handed me the first letter to deliver","I looked at it and thought: This isn't for me" +"Look. A flock of cows. Herd' of cows, Dad. Of course I've heard of cows","Look, there's a whole flock" +"I asked an experienced gardener how I could improve my herb garden","He gave me some sage advice" +"A headteacher at a school for obese children has just been sacked for cocaine use","His large pupils gave it away" +"What do you give a sick lemon","Lemonaid" +"Punctuations are very important in my family","All hell broke loose when big sister missed two periods" +"What's a pirate's favorite letter","Without it they're irate" +"I told the doctor at the ER that I could do my own stitch work","He replied ��Okay, suture self”" +"“Dad, did you know that 1 out of every 5 kids today still face hunger","” Dad: Why isn’t somebody turning that kid around" +"I used to have a full size wooden car. Wooden wheels, wooden engine, wooden seats","BUT, when I tried to drive it, it wooden go" +"My friends wanted to go to a hockey game. They agreed it was too far","I said we'd have to put that idea on ice" +"How did Pinnochio meet his girlfriend","On tinder" +"What did the pirate say when he turned 80","Aye matey" +"There are two reasons I don't take my girlfriend on long drives in my Tesla. One I don't have a girlfriend","Two I don't have a Tesla" +"At the pizzaria I ate way too big chunks off my capricciosa","I almost artichoked" +"My pop just said to my 2 year old daughter Don't put the party pie on your head. It's not a hat. Hold it like a telephone","now you're a pie on ear" +"Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence","It was udder destruction" +"I went to buy a new christmas tree. The cashier asked me, Are you going to put it up yourself. I replied, “Don’t be disgusting","I’m going to put it up in the living room" +"Have a Seat Dad: Why don't you sit down. Son: It's okay I'll stand. Aunt: There are chairs in the garage","Dad: You're going to make him sit in the garage" +"My friend made a dad joke I had an Egyptian gay friend, too","He had a lot of mummy issues" +"What did the bra say to the hat. You go on ahead","I'll give these two a lift" +"Why was the stadium so cool","It was filled with fans" +"My newly-pregnant girlfriend turned to me and said, I'm basically housing your daughter. Me: So you're like her dorm room, then. Her: . sure. Me: . or more like. her dorm womb. I could practically hear her eyes rolling as she groaned, Get. The. Fuck","Out" +"Fingers are very reliable","You can always count on them" +"I started a literary criticism group at the local prison. It's called Prose and","Cons" +"Anyone interested in doing some graffiti with me","If so, feel free to tag along" +"I told my dad that I didn't like his beard at first, but it's growing on me. Actually, it's growing on me","&#x200B; Got me with it this morning" +"People in. Dubai don't like. The. Flintstones. But people in. Abu","Dhabi doooooo!" +"A pie costs $2. 50 in Jamaica and $3","00 in the Bahamas These are the pie rates of the Caribbean" +"A gunman was just sighted near my local hairdresser","If they come under fire I reckon their only option will be to bob and weave" +"My dad was cutting up some sweet potatoes Him: Do you hear that","Me: No Him: Me either, it's the silence of the yams I am not worthy" +"What do pigs use when they get a cut","Oinkment" +"Why did the orca go to the optometrist","He couldn't sea whale" +"Whoever invented the light bulb was brilliant","Just a bit of light humor there" +"My dad listened to my call today. During a phone call with my grandfather who lives in the tropics, he asked me why the postal workers were all women in his town. My dad, on the other line (though I didn't know) said Because there can't be any male carriers. The call was silent for a couple of minutes before my dad said I'm sorry and hung up","&nbsp; [Spoiler](/s The joke is that immunity to malaria is present in carriers for sickle cell anemia, but sickle cell is a recessive trait present in the X-chromosome, meaning men can't be carriers for it since they only have one X chromosome" +"How did the judge sentence the notorious kidney thief","Hard labor in the renal colony" +"To be honest, I think everybody should use kilograms","A system of ten makes weigh more sense" +"My friend is in a vegetative state","It's called Idaho" +"Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys","And I gotta say that's true because I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey" +"I dad-joked a guy I met online. A little back-story. He's in college while I'm about to finish school. ----- Him: Haha, you're still in school, kiddo. I'm ANCIENT. Me: I would totally exploit your ruins. Him: Wooww, smooth","Me: I'm so sorry for textually harassing you" +"At the Restaurant *After confirming the order* Cashier: It is $18","98 Dad: I thought it was 2014" +"What do you get when you cross an avocado with The Jungle Book","Guacamowgli" +"Who wrote all this bullshit","said a blind man after touching a grater" +"A sitcom about Jesus","Wouldn't make it past the Pilate episode" +"How did the hipster burn his tongue","He took a sip of his coffee before it was cool" +"Juggling looks fun","But I don't have the balls for it" +"What do you call a dog with no legs. Whatever you want","He ain’t gonna come" +"What do mallards do if they dont understand a quack","Consult a ducktionary" +"What did the duck say to the puppy. Hey dog","What's quackin" +"I lost my kids' college fund playing dice in Vegas","I admit it was a crappy thing to do" +"Quality dadjoke from the video game Undertale http://imgur","com/WUKGpGu" +"What did the skydiver say when he realised he jumped without an important piece of kit","Oh, chute" +"My wife told me to take the wasp out instead of killing it","We had some drinks, nice guy, wants to be in a heavy metal-band" +"I hate the wind","It blows" +"Found out. I was colourblind the other day","Strange, it’s just came right out of the purple" +"You thought this post would be funny. [image](https://www. spreadshirt. com/image-server/v1/designs/12808490,width=178,height=178/i-m-a-frayed-knot","png)" +"Where do you find a no legged dog","right where you left it" +"I sent ten puns to my local newspaper in hopes that at least one of them would get published","But unfortunately, no pun in ten did" +"What do you call a short fortune teller who escapes from prison","A small medium at large" +"Why cant you hear a pterodactyl urinate","Because the P is silent" +"Dad joked a fishy customer and got dad joked in return. I work in sales and a man with the last name 'Salmon' ordered some goods from us, his Credit Card payment wasn't passing our credit rating. He asked me for some help and I said 'I dolphinately haven't seen anything this fishy in a whale' He chuckled to himself and asked me 'Did you just make a fish pun on porpoise","' Who know there were so many dad's out there" +"My dad at a Halloween party Dad is at the bar at a party wearing a Dracula costume. Bartender: So what would you like, Sir","Dad: Oh how about a 'Blood' light" +"A pirate walks into an. Apple store","He buys an iPatch" +"What did the grape say when it got stepped on","Nothing - but it let out a little whine" +"“Son, do you see the 1989 calendar over there. ” “Yes","” “Don’t you think it’s a bit dated" +"The trouble with body waxing services","They can be real rip off." +"Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population. Ireland","Every day it’s Dublin" +"Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road","It got stuck in a crack" +"The UK have just introduced a new law Whenever you buy Mayonaise it's compulsory that you buy cabbage and carrots with it","They're referring to it as Coles law" +"What's orange and sounds like a parrot","A carrot" +"If you don't think doing laundry is funny","you need a dryer sense of humor" +"North Korea announced their new leader today","His name is Kim Jong-dos" +"I like my women like. I like my. Chicken. Protective. Suits","Impeckable" +"What did the father melon say to his son melon when he found out he was going to run away and get married","You cantaloupe" +"In honor of Father's Day this weekend: When does a joke become a dad joke. When it's fully groan. Happy Father's Day","🥳🍰🎈" +"Dad-joked at dinner tonight Brother: Why would someone want to study abroad. Dad: Because it's better than studying a guy","" +"I wanted to watch the sunrise yesterday","but turns out I wasn't up for it" +"To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket","You can hide but you can't run" +"Why does the father tell his son one hundred dad jokes","To pun-ish him" +"How do you make holy water","You boil the hell outta it" +"Thieves broke into a Toy store and stole all their board-games","Police are currently looking for Clues" +"The cops are looking for a guy in my town who keeps stealing futons from furniture stores","They suspect he’s lying low" +"My son asked, “How do you get Dick from Richard","” I said, “Well, you gotta go to dinner first" +"My girlfriend said that. Trump won. Mississippi. My response:. Two. Mississippi,. Three","Mississippi" +"My dad told me to make little things count. So now","I’m teaching maths to dwarfs." +"I've been telling this to everyone since I came up with it yesterday Why did the USA give away Portland","Because it was an Oregon Donor" +"Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees","They're really good at it" +"Dad joked my girlfriend today when she told me she purchased some needles Girlfriend: I bought some new needles at target earlier. Me: That's cool baby. Are they good needles or are they just","sew sew" +"Boyfriend told me one this morning. Did you hear about the alcoholic lawyer. He tried to pass the bar","Yes, he's a dad" +"A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone","It’s either really terrible news or really great news" +"Why is can crushing the saddest job in the world","It's soda pressing" +"Have you guys heard the story of the blind man who fell in a well","He didn't see that well" +"My girlfriend's dad sends her a text every single day. (x-post from /r/screenshots) http://imgur. com/a/o07Da EDIT: Yes, she texts him back don't worry","These texts are saved on her phone, replies are not" +"A nurse told me, Sorry for the wait","I replied, it's alright, I'm patient" +"What do you call a duck that doesn’t fit in","Mallardjusted" +"Why do some fish always look high","Seaweed" +"Did you hear of the boy who’s turtle died","He’s shell shocked" +"This morning, the doctor told me I was colorblind","It came completely out of the orange" +"What do you call an alligator in a vest","An investigator" +"What did the selfish beaver say to the other beaver","I don't give a dam" +"What do you call a ginger kid who’s good at martial arts","The Carroty Kid" +"The. Circle of. Life","Makes all of this pointless." +"What do you call a masturbating cow","A beef stroganoff" +"Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France","They were cooked in Greece" +"A man runs somebody over while driving. and gets out of the car immediately to see if the pedestrian is alright. Driver: I'm so sorry. Are you okay","Pedestrian: I'm fine, I just feel a little *tired* now" +"A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation. I think it's raining, says the man. No, it's snowing, replies the woman. How about we ask this Communist officer here. He is always right. exclaims the main. Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing. Definitely raining, Officer Rudolph replies before walking off. The man turns to his wife with a smile. See","Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear" +"What do you call a sad person in the Caribbean","A tropical depression" +"Why was the art restorer sent to prison","He was a Monet launderer" +"A man went to the zoo today and all they had was a dog","It was a shitzu" +"Office Dad Joke Master Gave Me a Chuckle Today I was passing through the halls of my workplace past the storage room when a guy from ***finance*** comes out with a cart full of paper. He said to me, **Him:** Hey Tim. **Me:** Hey, how's it going. **Him:** I'm good, he motions to his paper filled cart, just pushing paper. I got a good chuckle out of that","That dude always has the jokes" +"So there's this half-man, half-frog looking thing that lives under the docks","He's a portmantoad" +"So theres these two beavers one is named Joe and the other, Steven. Joe and Steven have a fire. Joe decides he's hungry so he grabs a pan and some sticks. Steven runs over and says Joe what are you doing. And says im just grilling up some sticks","Steven immediately smacks the pan from Joe's paw and says JOE THATS A NON STICK PAN" +"Driving down the freeway just now, wife reads a sign. Trout Motel. Sounds fishy","Mom joke" +"Why don't modern zoologists study wooly mammoths","Because they're irrelephant" +"Why can't you have a nose 12 inches long","Because then it would be a foot" +"Never trust someone with graph paper","They're always plotting something" +"I tried to catch fog yesterday","I mist" +"Out dading a dad. I just turned extremely cold again and my dad was talking about covering up some strawberries to protect them. My response. It's a good thing we have a bail (of straw) otherwise we'd have to use blankets","Then they would just be blanket berries" +"My wife and I were at Seaworld recently And she saw a sign advertising that you can Dine with Shamu She asked if I thought that would be a nice date. I don't know","I mean we would be there having a romantic time and Shamu is just stuck with us like a third whale" +"A couple is walking in St Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel some precipitation. I think it's raining says the man. No, it's snowing says the woman. Why don't we ask this communist officer. Asks the man. He's always right. Excuse me, officer Rudolf, is it raining or snowing. Definitely raining he says, before walking off. The man turns to his wife with a smile. See","Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear" +"My wife threatened to leave me unless. I stopped quoting. Toto’s. Africa","I told her it’s going to take a lot more than that to drag me away from you" +"A magician was driving down the road","And then he turned into a driveway" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school","It's ok he woke up" +"What if cats were like bees","And lived in swarms inside of catacombs" +"Proud dad Driving my daughter to school this morning, we passed a company with a big sign that said Plus Consulting. I said, I wonder why they don't consult on minuses. My daughter said, because they're too negative","Hearty dad laughing commenced and she beamed with pride" +"Did you hear about when the lettuce invited mushrooms to the salad. Tomatoes were all like, really","And lettuce said, yeah, he's a fungi" +"As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, my daughter mentioned to me that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold. I nodded knowingly","“It’s the early signs of typothermia" +"Guys, enough of the 2015 jokes","You've been making these jokes all year" +"Two goldfish are in a tank","One says to the other “Do you know how to drive this thing" +"Pick Me Up Im Dripping Wet Ahhh","Was this meant for your boyfriend -Dad" +"A man dressed as a clown held the door open for me today at the store","It was a nice jester" +"Wife dadjoked me, depends on who you ask Just started playing Zelda:Skyward Sword and named my character Colby after my dog. My wife asks me if I'll name Link that every time, or change it when we have kids. I answer, depends. Depends. You'll name him Depends. I didn't think you were old enough for those. So","Proud" +"What does the clock do when it's hungry","It goes back four seconds" +"I’ve learned 99% of the English language","I’m almost their" +"First time I have seen my dad in a year and he drops this on me. I walked out to the garage where my dad was working on his motorcycle. Over in the corner I saw two bicycle's . Hey dad when did y'all get bicycles","Oh idk when she got those but I told her she can't be riding those around here I looked at him puzzled for a second and he says Boy it's not legal to be pedaling pussy on the side of the street" +"I just farted and my wallet was in my back pocket","At least I have gas money now" +"Me, as I am headed out the door: 'I'll see you later, dad","' Dad: 'Turn around and you'll see me now" +"I was being bothered by a flying pest. I was visibly uncomfortable as a buzzing, stingy creature kept flying around my head","Dad: It's not a hornet or a wasp, just let it bee" +"The cops caught me having sex with a clock in public again. It looks like","I'm doing time" +"I see, said the blind man","And he picked up his hammer and saw" +"You know whats ironic","Iron" +"If I go bald, I will paint rabbits on my head","they might look like hares from a distance" +"This has probably been said a thousand times, but my girlfriend somehow didn't find it hysterical. While making dinner tonight for the family, my girlfriend wanted to add more of that dark, leafy, and easily pun-able green called Kale. Girlfriend: Can I add more kale","Me: Won't that be over-kale" +"Why don't you debate a pirate","They're great at Arggg uments" +"What skincare product do bullfighters use","Oil of Olé" +"There are 2 types of people 1","Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data" +"Two muffins were baking in the oven. One muffin says to the other. “Man, it’s hot in here”. The other muffin says Ahhhh","A Talking Muffin" +"My dad once bought a female sheep to attack these religious brothers who were always knocking on our door and trying to sell us flowers. I asked","Dad why and he said: “Only ewe can prevent florist friars”" +"I usually don't tell dad jokes","But when I do,he laughs" +"I tried to leave my cartoon life behind me","But every time I leave they draw me back in" +"Two positive people walk into a bar","They never meet" +"What's the difference between someone who works in landscaping and someone who steals from a coffee shop","One is a groundskeeper, while the other is a grounds keeper" +"Just amother manic Monday On the radio they were playing Manic Monday by the Bangles","After the song the radio host said, That song is so yesterday" +"What do you call an alligator putting money into stocks and shares","Investigator" +"What kind of organization is an atheist church","Non-prophet" +"Just heard this one. * Text from dad: This morning i attached all my watches together to make a belt. * Reply: Well i'm glad this day is being productive for you. * Dad: No","it's been a WAIST OF TIME" +"Two-year old dad joker My parents' neighbor asked my two-year old son where he lives now","He promptly said, In my home" +"Saw an ad yesterday that said, radio for sale $1, volume stuck on full","I thought to myself, Can't turn that down" +"What is a highlighter's favorite Twister position","Knee on yellow" +"What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo","One is heavy and one is a little lighter" +"I took out my calculator and the plus button was missing","Something doesn’t quite add up" +"How do you make a sausage roll","You push it down a hill" +"What do you call a dad joke that goes on forever","A paternity" +"I was at the zoo and I see and a baguette in an enclosure","I walk away thinking 'that must of been bread in captivity" +"At Cracker-Barrel The other day brother: This meal looks delicious. I have no regrets","Dad as he hands him a bowl of grits: Here, now you have no regrits followed by his uncontrollable laughter" +"I couldn't believe my good fortune when he asked me this. Him: Hey, is there a special setting on the toaster for waffles","Me: Not really, use the 'Frozen' setting and just let it go" +"Made my dad proud tonight We went to a hibachi place for dinner and i ordered miso soup as part of my appetizer. Mom: Why did you get soup. You know this meal is going to fill you up. Me: Well, i guess because miso hungry","My dad did the not bad face to me" +"r/dadjokes funny","Of course they are" +"I use the notches on my belt to monitor how much weight. I'm losing","Every hole's a goal" +"I tried to sneak in a Star Trek convention disguised as a Doctor","The Security guard suspected I was not the real McCoy" +"What kind of music do windmills like","They're big metal fans" +"The bank denied my friend a loan for his marijuana and livestock farm","They said the steaks were too high" +"Little kid named Chase was running around away from his mom at my daughter's dance today","I told the mother she should have named him Doctor or Lawyer" +"Got my girlfriend today. She's taking an intro paralegal class to find out if that's something she wants to do. She was talking about it earlier, and all I had to say was could I be a single legal if I wanted to. Rather than a paralegal. She laughed","But she totally denies it, saying that was the dumbest thing" +"Why did the two bridge builders stay together","He cantilever" +"On god, it's starting. Answered the phone the other day. Hey man, what're you up to. Before I could stop it from coming out of my mouth Oh, about 5'9 I grimaced at myself in the mirror","I suddenly hate being 30" +"I wanted to see the new. Star. Wars movie today, but every showing was sold out","Rogue one, me zero." +"I've just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA","For my black jeep" +"Have you seen my lobster","He's a lost claws" +"When you're cold , find a corner","They are usually 90 degrees" +"What does a mathematician do when he’s constipated. He works it out with a pencil ✏️","(I was constipated yesterday and remembered this joke…oldie but goodie in my house)" +"Someone e-mailed me a picture of their genitalia","It was junk mail" +"16 sodium atoms walk into a bar then In walks Batman","(Hint: periodic table)" +"A bit of teasing. 100% True story. I was starting a new job at a software company and was talking to one of my coworkers who has many varieties of tea. Me: That's a lot of tea you got there. Him: Yeah, I'll let you sample one. Only $50","Me: But isn't that a little steep" +"I can pump a ton of iron","It runs in my blood" +"Whenever I buy garbage bags","I say to the cashier I don't know why I but these things, I just end up throwing them out" +"I hate stairs","So I'm taking steps to avoid them" +"What do parents give their baby if they want them to become a future race car driver","Formula one" +"This sub is disappointing me lately","I'm going to try the meatball next time" +"The difference between a… Numerator and a denominator is a short line","Only a fraction of people will understand this" +"My. TV tells me what level the sound is","It speaks volumes" +"A nun converted to Islam She went to the mosque for her conversion service, and gave up the cross she wore around her neck. She walked in wearing the cloth still, and people gave her some strange looks. After the service, the imam asked her why she was wearing the nun attire in lieu of a hijab. She looked down and was suddenly quite embarrassed","She replied, blushing, It's a habit of mine" +"When I was a child, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be","As it turns out, identity theft is illegal" +"One thing never fails to give me goosebumps","Nosy geese" +"What does the math book say to the history book","Don't give me that story, I already have a lot of problems" +"Why do electricians listen to news radio when they work","To keep up with current events" +"What should everyone do before kicking the bucket to make it as painless as possible. Put on some steel toe boots","^^^I'm ^^^so ^^^sorry" +"Such a shame that Jeff Bezos is stepping down from Amazon","He really is in his prime" +"How do you fix a broken gorilla","Monkey wrench" +"Imagine how happy Barn Owls were","When people finally started making barns" +"A teacher friend set this one up for me. Teacher friend (talking to my 5 year old kid): And you know what we got to do at school. We painted rainbow fish. Me: Wow. How'd you get them to hold still long enough","My kid: <uncontrollable laughter>" +"How does the Rabbi make his tea","Hebrews it" +"Fathers. Day","Just a bunch of mother fuckers." +"How do you sink a submarine filled with idiots","Knock on the door" +"Where does a businessman buy his broth","The stock market" +"Two cannibals are eating a clown. One looks up from his dinner","Does this taste funny to you" +"Why did snoop dogg bring an umbrella","Fo drizzle" +"The day after getting a tattoo my ex-wife asked how it was feeling [This was my response](http://m. imgur","com/UJ8xX9A)" +"I decorated where my horse sleeps in the barn","It's pretty stable" +"I was helping my niece with her math homework Me: Kay, could you do me a solid and get me some water. Her: No Me: Why. Her: Cause waters a liquid. Me: I","just get me some water" +"I thought it was funny, even if she didn't get it My kids wanted to camp in the back yard. My wife set the tent up while I was at work and expected me to sleep outside with them. I had to work the next morning. My wife was going to camp with them instead. For reference, I call my daughter my princess and me and my wife have a queen size bed. Daughter:(trying to talk me into camping with them)If you don't sleep outside you won't get to snuggle with your princess. Me: it's ok, I'll have a queen all to myself","Wife:*groan*" +"What does Batman like in his drinks","Just ice" +"I have a step ladder","never got to know my real ladder though" +"The owner of our office space came into the office today to announce that he was going to be on holidays for the next few weeks in Paris, at a beautiful spot right on the river. I said I hope being so close to the river doesn't make you go InSeine. Surprisingly, I got a pretty good laugh considering it was my first time meeting the guy","My colleague, who is more acquainted with my antics, rolled her eyes :)" +"I hear more and more people are opting for cremation","I guess urnings must be up" +"I’m trying to convince my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday","But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic" +"What is the blind train conductor's favorite song","I've been working on the brailleroad" +"Happened while Mom was looking through the free ads online. Mom: There's some free parakeets on here","Dad: But what if I only want one keet" +"I'll just leave this here","This." +"A Farmer has three daughters and each has a date on the same night. The farmer sits on his porch with his shotgun across his lap. The first boy arrives and says, Evening sir, my name is Freddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna eat spaghetti, is she ready. The farmer looks the boy over, and says sure sure, go on in The second boy arrives, and says, Howdy sir, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're gonna see the show, is she ready to go. The farmer looks down at his shotgun, then back at Joe, and says sure sure, go on in, she's ready The third boy arrives, and says, Good evening sir, my name is Chuck","KER-BLAM" +"I'm not a natural gardener","it's just a process of trowel and error really" +"What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft","A flat minor" +"Aging is hard. When I saw my first grey hairs","I felt like dying" +"I broke my finger last week","On the other hand, i’m okay" +"How do you get down off an elephant. You don't","You get down off a goose" +"What'd the fish say when he hit a concrete wall","Damn" +"It was so bad I had to push her away from me. So the other week the lady and I went for a hike up in the Berkeley Hills and we came across some cows. There were two cows that were affectionate towards each other and their hair colors matched ours (she has red hair, I have black) and she said oh look, that's us if we were cows. Fast forward to this morning. We were lazy getting out of bed (one too many fernets last night) and I mentioned we should pay a visit to our cow buddies. She replies with the biggest shit eating grin I've ever seen her do: Dont you mean our COW-nterparts. I had to push her off me and get outta bed after that one","(Mostly jealous that I didn't think of it)" +"Did you get a haircut","Actually, I got several thousand cut, but thanks for noticing" +"Coworker: You got a haircut","Me: I got them all cut" +"What do you call someone who can't stop watching films with strong female leads","A heroine addict" +"I think I have an abnormal addiction to ducks. My wife says I'm a quack head *My son, a dad of a 3yr old, made this up when I told him a dad joke from this sub","He has achieved full dadness Edit: typo" +"My wife is pissed at me","I made hard boiled eggs for breakfast this morning and let our 2 year old help peel them and he made a mess I have been walking on eggshells ever since" +"I just quit my job at the bank","I simply lost interest" +"Dad, did you see the dry cleaners burned down","If they were wet cleaners, they probably would've put it out" +"I tried to use Beef Stew as a password","But it wasn't Stroganoff" +"I lost 100 pounds in just 2 hours. By going to a casino in","Liverpool!" +"Friend dad joked his wife. My friend was driving with his wife heading home. They were passing some farms and his wife noticed some people hanging out by the cows","She said I wonder if they work there he replies with yah they're just milking it" +"What did the fish say when he swam into a wall","Dam" +"I wasn't that impressed by Dr","Strange I've seen Stranger Things" +"Got my wife with a hand So I found this toy hand that was all alone on the couch, it looked like it came off a Woody doll or something. So I put it in my pocket and waited for the perfect moment to strike. About 30 minutes later, my wife is holding our 9 month old who's crying - jackpot. I walk in the kitchen, Hey, can I give you a hand. Pulled out the hand. She liked it","I walked away very proud of myself" +"After trying to convince my dad that it's important for me to fix my piano so that I remain cultured","You will be fine, just eat some yogurt" +"What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle","Attire" +"What does the pink panther say when he steps on an ant","Dead-ant, dead-ant, Dead-ant, dead-ant, dead-ant, dead-ant, dead-aaaannnnt" +"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh","Ten tickles" +"John Mulaney's dad joke My dad came home from work and my mom told my dad that she cleaned under my bed and found a shoebox with two cigarettes and a Cosmopolitan, which prompted my dad to ask","“How does John know how to make a Cosmopolitan" +"Mom was like what is your favorite winter vegetable","Snow peas" +"What state doesn't sell full-sized soft drinks","Minnesota" +"In Seattle, at ComicCon, this morning, my daughter says, Dad, look at the fog around the buildings I looked up and said, If you hadn't pointed it out, I would have *mist* it . 1. Penny drops. Dad",", followed by a swift punch in the arm" +"Before class. [NSFW. ] (x-post from r/jokes) . my girlfriend and I got a bit frisky. She decided to give me a hand job a few minutes before I had to leave. Once I finished, I said I need to leave","She replies: But you just came" +"I Came Home and My Wife was Watching 6th Sense","I had a feeling you were watching that" +"My 2 year old daughters first attempt. As a little background, my 2 1/2 year old refers to herself and her 5 month old sister as sissies. This morning she pointed to her sister and said sissy is here then pointed to herself and said this sissy is here then pointed to me and said and your here too dad and you can be a sissy too. I replied with I can. I'm honored. To which she casually came back with No dad, you're not honored, you're dad. Nailed it kid","Nailed it" +"Fishing Me: hey dad wanna go fishing. Dad: sure Me: do you have worms","Dad: yep, but I'm going fishing anyways He can't help himself, and it's still amusing after 20 years" +"What happens when you eat aluminum foil","You sheet metal" +"My dad asked me what my favourite element is","I went to answer but he threw a sheet over my head and yelled mine is the element of surprise , then he proceeded to run away" +"It’s my wife’s birthday in a couple of days… …and when I asked her what she wanted she said she’d be happy with anything with lots of diamonds in it","She’s going to love this pack of playing cards I’ve bought her" +"Where does an alien visiting earth get their hair cut","Hairea 51" +"My mom said her phone froze and asked my dad to take a look at it","He picked it up and said Doesn't feel cold" +"Have you heard of Murphy’s Law. “Yeah, i think so. ” If something can go wrong, it will go wrong. Have you heard of Cole’s Law. “No, what’s that","Thinly sliced cabbage" +"Dadjoked all my relations At last thanksgiving, almost all my relatives were together, and so we ended up turning the conversation to our other relatives. Eventually I found out that my aunt had been a chain smoker, so I replied Well, looks like she quit just in the nicotine","A huge collective groan was heard from the whole table, but my Dad and Granddad smiled, nodded, and high fived me in approval" +"Christmas Dad Joke Long story short, my dad bought a used truck and worked over every crevice to make sure he wasn't getting a lemon. Well he checked everywhere except the emergency car jack holder: the jack was gone. So he asks for a jack for Christmas. Being a perfect son, I blew him off and promptly forgot about the whole deal until today, Christmas Day. I apologized and told him, hey dad, don't worry, I'll get you a car jack later","He looked me dead in the eye and said, John, why the hell would I want my car jacked" +"Why did the monkey fall out of the tree","Because he was dead" +"What's a skeletons favorite activity","Boning" +"How is Miley Cyrus called in Europe","Kilometrey Cyrus" +"Daughter: fails exam Mom: dear, remember, the road to success is paved with failure","Dad: well, the road to failure is paved with failure as well" +"My ex wife still misses me","BUT HER AIM IS GETTIN BETTER" +"I accidentally put my donor card in the cash machine the other day","It cost me an arm and a leg" +"Farmers have a hard time getting ahead of their competition","Because they’re all out standing in their fields" +"The little old lady didn’t always live in a shoe","She once had a house, but when she couldn’t pay the mortgage… The bank gave her the boot" +"I love to tell dad jokes","mom loves hearing em too" +"My wife asked me to pass her lip balm, but I gave her superglue instead","She's still not talking to me" +"What did one butt cheek say to the other","Together we can stop this shit" +"What does a Mermaid smoke","Seaweed" +"Doctor you've got to help me, I'm addicted to Twitter","My doctor replied, I don't follow you" +"An old lady in bank asked me if. I can check her balance so","I pushed her over." +"Why was Pluto single","All the other planets only wanted to have Plutonic relationships with him" +"I may get fired or promoted. not sure. My boss was complaining she really needed a nap. I told her she should just go take one. Boss Oh yeah cause taking a nap right now would be so easy. Me Its so easy you can do it with your eyes closed. Cue her rolling her eyes and shaking her head. My director peaked his head out and nodded approvingly though","Respect" +"When is a door not a door","When it’s ajar" +"Why can't the blind man see his buddies","Because he's married" +"What was the name of the smartest killer whale that loved to go to new places","Dorca the Explorca" +"My friends were arguing about which roller coaster to go on next at the amusement park. When they asked for my opinion, I told them I didn't care","I was just along for the rides" +"What is it called when you have Grandma on speed dial","Instagram" +"My 8 year old hit me with this one at breakfast - Where do dads love to go on vacation","Papa New Guinea" +"I know so many songs, that you can say anyone's name and I'll know a song with that name in it. Happy birthday","My dad just dropped that on me, you're welcome" +"Dusty floors","I beg to Swiffer™" +"A dad walked into the store I work at. He asked me if we sold any phone chargers. I told him yes and asked if he needed a house charger or a car charger","He replied No, I need it for my phone" +"Why is 6 afraid of 7. Because 7 is a registered 6 offender",":D" +"I think my lawnmower needs a tune-up","It's getting horrible grass mileage" +"Dad-fibrillator. Friend: I'm going to a class on defibrillator use","Me: I'm sure it'll be electrifying" +"What did Disturbed do after an explosion in their underwear drawer","Got down with the sock mess" +"I attempted to make a floating tavern. I think","I set the bar too high." +"What does the penguin waiter says","Waddle'll it be" +"So, I was walking with my wife on the street, and we saw 6 six guys beating up my mother-in-law Wife yells: Hey, aren't you going to help","Me: No, six should be enough" +"A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage","No, I'm traveling light" +"I broke my leg in 2 places","My doctor told me to stop going to those places" +"What do you call a woman that has one leg shorter than the other. Eileen","Unless she's from Asian descent and then she would be Irene" +"Why did the mediocre scientist decide to buy farmland","So he could finally be out standing in his field" +"I know a guy who turns invisible every full moon","He's a WereWaldo" +"What did the fish say when it hit a wall","Dam" +"Dad pulled this one last night. My mom: Explain to me how Will Smith look the same as he did in 1989. Dad: Maybe it's just sheer Will-Power. Laughter ensued for the rest of the night","Goddammit dad" +"There are only 3 types of people. People who can count 2","People who can’t" +"I always wanted to be a watch repairman. But","I could never find the time" +"What does Santa get when he's stuck in a chimney. Claus-trophobia",":(" +"If you're ever cold you should find the nearest corner","it's always 90 degrees there" +"What word is always spelled incorrectly","Incorrectly" +"A mother gives her twins up for adoption. One of them is adopted by a family in Egypt and is named Amal and the other is adopted by a family in Mexico and is named Juan. Years later Juan contacts his mother and sends a picture of himself to her. The mother overwhelmed with happiness, tells her husband that she wishes she could also see Amal. He responds, They're twins","If you've seen Juan you've seen Amal" +"Bist du ein­ge­bil­det. - Nein","Mich gibt es wirklich" +"Which one of you works for Kroger. https://imgur","com/gallery/r0r57Lb" +"My dad said this one to me today My girlfriend makes two twos. But she sells them for only 5 dollars. My mom thinks that price isn't nearly high enough. So I'm riding in the car with my parents and my mom says wow Window_Lurker this girl is selling two twos on etsy for 50$ To which my dad replies jeez","I wonder how much she could make selling three threes" +"I tried very hard to come up with a joke about social distancing","But this is as close as I could get" +"Have you people heard about the restaurant on the Moon","Serve great food, but no atmosphere" +"With all the cold weather we're having this March, I'm happy that . https://i. imgur. com/9L4InP9","jpg" +"What do numbers taste like","Well if you've tasted 1 you've tasted them all" +"My doctor couldn't decide if they wanted to prescribe me hydrocortisone or diphenhydramine","and in the end they had to make a rash decision" +"I woke up grumpy this morning. That was a mistake,","I should've just let her sleep" +"I've just discovered that. I have a logic fetish","I can't stop coming to conclusions" +"You know Tiger Woods","You think Tiger Woods would know the value of a driver" +"This advert said it could get me 8-Minute Abs","But I want them for longer than that" +"She was only a whisky maker, but I loved her still","And I have proof" +"I'm getting so old. When I was a kid they said Dinosaurs went extinct 65 million years ago","Now they say it's been 66 million years" +"12 year old cousin telling my Dad about her new basketball team. Dad: So do you only play against the local schools","Cousin: No, it's travel league Dad: Well, I prefer the leagues that make you dribble" +"What blood type do pessimists have","B-negative" +"I called 911 because my wife was in labor. Operator: Hello, 911, what's your emergency. Husband: Hi, my wife is going into labor, I don't know what to do. Operator: Is this her first born. Husband: No, this is her husband","I see he's already ready to be a dad" +"There are two people named Nick. What do they wear in common","Two-Nicks" +"Deforestation","Let's all try our best to cut down" +"Which element is used most in Japanese comics","Manga-nese" +"Back in. The. Roman. Empire. HIV was known by a different name. They called it High","Five" +"I can't seem to find my favorite classical composer","I suspect he might be Haydn" +"Want to hear a pizza joke","Never mind it’s too CHEESY" +"Whats the definition of a will","Come on guys, its a dead giveaway" +"whats a mop smell like","smells like clean spirit" +"The best dad-jokes are one-liners","________________________" +"Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team","She ran away from the ball" +"Joke's a bit too long for the title Dad: Have you ever gotten hurt *right* here. (points at his knee) Me: Yeah Dad: No you haven't. That's **MY** knee","&#x200B; badum-tsss" +"I said Something is wrong with these kids, we've got to get them to the hospital. What is it. said my wife. Well, it's a big building with a bunch of patients","But that's not important right now" +"My dad got my little sister today. Her: Do you want to play a game. Him: What game. Her: Depends","Him: How do you play depends" +"Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth","It’s pasteurized before you even see it" +"Did you hear about the 2 dyslexic men who walked into a bra","They failed to see it was a booby trap" +"What days are the strongest","Saturday and Sunday, the rest are week days" +"Eleven elves sitting at a table. What makes them a dozen","The twelf" +"Donald Trump wants to ban the sale of shredded cheese","He wants to make America grate again" +"Legally Blind Man Throws in a Dad Joke After Gaining his Sight Back (Video) What's it like Mark. Eye Opening http://youtu. be/3BtKgD6CeA8","t=48s" +"Why is Yoda such a good Gardner","Because he has green thumbs" +"What's the hardest Tea to swallow","Reality" +"Last time. I went to the bakery,. I told a bread joke","The baker gave a rye smile." +"There was no food at home, so. I ate the clock","Let's just say, it was very time-consuming." +"No topic is safe. http://imgur","com/nY2ZA71" +"Are you ready to hear a joke about a ghost","That's the spirit" +"On safari in Africa when we see two warthogs going at it","Father in law says, “look, there’s some fucking pigs" +"First post. Dad said this at lunch. We (our family) were on vacation all this week, and we were discussing what room we'd try to book for the same place next year. My little sister argues that the main building would be the best option, because there's better WiFi reception-- more bandwidth","My dad replied: So fat musicians live there" +"Whats brown and sticky","A stick" +"I once had a conversation with a dolphin","We just clicked" +"What do you call a Knight that's easy to sleep with","Surmountable" +"My wife was furious at me for kicking dropped ice-cubes under the refrigerator","But now it’s just water under the fridge" +"I was going to make a bass joke","But i dropped it" +"Watch out for the escaped horse","He's unstable" +"Got my mom the other night So I live with my parents (or did when this took place) and my mom was making meatloaf one night. I was in my room waiting for dinner to be done, when she yells out bring the meatloaf here, I want to see what it looks like . So without missing a beat, I grabbed Bat Out of Hell from my record collection and take it to her in the living room. I hand it to her and she goes oh. my. god. with a very visible eye roll","I think it was a success" +"I recently bumped into the guy who once sold me an antique globe","It’s a small world" +"Two guys walk into a bar","The third one ducks" +"Why can't Trump style his hair anymore","Because he got rid of his Comey" +"Two from my daughter SAH Mom as she's standing up: My legs hurt. I don't know if they'll support me. Daughter: How could they support you. They don't even have a job. I've started teaching the kids to play chess. Mom makes several lame mom jokes about being the queen in the game and in life. Later as Mom is watching us play: Mom: Don't move there. The queen will get you","Daughter: Is that a threat" +"Whats a pirates favorite genre of music","arrrrrrr&b" +"What is the favorite music streaming service of optometrists","eyeTunes" +"Continued https://www. reddit. com/r/dadjokes/comments/7bs95v/a_panda_walks_into_mcdonalds/ . Coke. And then the cashier asked, Why the big pause","The panda replied, I was born with them" +"Working at a mirror factory is definitely something","I can see myself doing" +"Dadjoked my girlfriend while I was at the doctor's. The text conversation went as follows. Her: Did you already go to the doctors. Me: I'm here. He touched my testicles. Now I'm waiting for vaccinations. Her: What. I'm the only one that can do that. Me: That's so selfish","Billions of people need vaccines" +"I'm skint right now so. I got a job as a baker","I really kneed the dough" +"Fuck it, I’m moving to France","I got nothing Toulouse" +"I found a Scott Stapp solo album on sale for only $0","I think I want my nickel back" +"What do you call a careful wolf","Aware wolf" +"After browsing recipes on Reddit, I come away believing there’s only one way to prepare my chicken","You should breddit" +"Helpful advice if you’re ever attacked by a group of clowns","Go for the juggler" +"What do you call a cannibal that only eats girls","A her-bivore" +"What do you call a child without clothing","Nakid" +"I have an irrational fear of corners","I can’t see any way of getting around it" +"My wife thought she was so clever Was out at dinner with my wife. We were seated outside since it wasn't that cold. As we were seating, a lady with an awesome steampunk themed tattoo walked by. Unfortunately she was also wearing a top that showed off her cleavage. SO: What are you looking at. Me: Her tattoo, look it's awesome. SO: HA","Yeah more like you're looking at her TITS-TWO" +"How fast can a librarian run","I don't know the speed exactly, but they can book it" +"My uncle dropped this one. He was showing his daughter a picture of a large statue of Athena. Daughter: Jesus Christ Uncle: No","That's Athena" +"Whenever I go out to eat I always tip my server","I've also learned that servers have horrible balance" +"Did you hear FedEx and Ups are merging","Fed Up" +"Mountains are funny","Actually no, they are hill areas" +"Halloween dad-joke It's a couple days after halloween and my dad comes out of the bathroom with a very serious expression on his face and says, I thought halloween was over","My mom and I were trying to figure out what he meant for a few seconds then he says, because I just saw a big green monster in the toilet" +"My dad's reply to my sister for this one: I'm so proud","Completely out of nowhere, my 28 year old sister announces If it's just one corndog, it's a Unicorndog" +"Before you criticize a man You should walk a mile in his shoes","That way you'll be a mile away and he'll have no shoes" +"What do you get when you see a ghost twice","You get Déjà boo" +"Why is there no “C” in Dark","because you cant C in the dark" +"Why aren't they allowed to count in Afghanistan","Because there's a tally-ban" +"I got fired on my first day as a car salesman. Customer: Cargo space","Me: No, car no fly, car go roads Manager: Can I see you in my office" +"Got my wife good while making shrimp scampi tonight. Me: You know, I *was* going to eat all this shrimp myself. but then I thought, 'Nah, that's pretty shellfish'","Her: *Rolls eyes intensely* It's good to be a dad" +"Summarizing the Oregon news to my wife and daughter Looks like the Portland fire is meeting up with the Eastern oregon fire, they're going on a date. it's going to be lit","*looks at both of them with a cheeky grin to see if they were listening*" +"My Dad dropped this on us as we were leaving Oklahoma. *In the car after a short stay in Oklahoma* Dad: So, What did you think of Oklahoma. Me: It was fine, kind of boring. Dad: Well i thought Oklahoma was OK. *Complete silence* Dad: You get it","OK is the abbreviation of Oklahoma We all understood, it just wasn't that funny" +"Wife asked why I was filming her feet","I said, “I needed new footage" +"My children have a very kinky sense of humor","They always say: “Joke me, daddy”" +"If pronouncing my 'b's' as 'v's' makes me sound Russian","then Soviet" +"Dad, do you want anything from the dollar store. Dad: Yeah sure, bring me back a couple bucks. *Everyone in the room groans","*" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When the punchline becomes aparent" +"Dadjoked my girlfriend on vacation Was driving next to a dense forest on the highway, when I spotted a family of deer. Naturally, I slowed down and when I passed them I said, Hi deer. then I turned to the ladyfriend and said Hi dear. Got an eye roll and a smile","I quickly replied with you know that was fawny which got me punched in the arm" +"You wanna know my opinion on negative pressure","It sucks" +"A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel in his pants The bar tender asks why do you have a steering wheel in your pants","The pirate responds, Arr, I don't know but it's been drivin' me nuts" +"My professor got us Professor notices that the clock is gone Look at that we're out of time","The whole class groans" +"I grew facial hair without telling anyone","It's my secret 'stache" +"All cucumbers are sea cucumbers","Otherwise they'd be ucumbers" +"My grandfather has the heart of a lion","And a lifetime ban from the zoo." +"I wish I could get into collecting watches","I just never have the time" +"If you tell dad jokes, but you have no children","You're a faux pa" +"How did the blind Jedi knew it was Christmas","He felt his presents" +"I came home and found my girlfriend naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast","She said she was a t-cup." +"Why cant you email a photo to a jedi","Because attachments are forbidden" +"Kevin was killed by a wild pig. Some would say","he was boared to death" +"Dad can you make me a sandwich. My 10 year old Brother: Dad can you make me a Sandwich","Dad: Abra-Cadabra, you're a sandwich" +"Got the wife last night, almost hit a deer in the road. It was kind of hard to spot, and I slowed down. My wife was impressed that I had spotted it so far away. As we went past it, the horns were visible. Good thing I passed the buck",", I said, to audible groans" +"I asked my dad what Buzz Aldrin said when they landed on the moon","He said there's no way a cow is jumping over this" +"I told my dad I'd like to make a point","Dad: so would I [points at the wall] and I'd like to point out [points at the window] Me: sigh" +"What kind of doctor fixes websites","A URLologist" +"What's the opposite of Antibiotics","Unclebiotics" +"My uncles were cutting open oysters for dinner and struggled with one of them. I walked up and said ahh shucks","My cousin opened the door to the back yard and banished me there for a few minutes" +"If you like sweet things you are a sweet tooth. If you like wireless things what are you","A bluetooth" +"Where do European mice have their birthday parties","Czechy Cheese" +"What sound does the car of a witch make","Broom Broom" +"You know why when geese fly one side of the V is longer than the other","Because there's more geese in that line" +"What do get when you cook häm, ëgg and chëëse","An Umlaut" +"Why does the fencer like reddit so much","Because he is already good at reposte" +"Did you hear about the virus that made all the teachers sick","It was a staff infection" +"Wife: You got a vasectomy without telling me. Are you serious","Me: Yes, I’m not kidding you" +"Just found out my toaster wasn’t water proof","I was shocked!" +"Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer","Because he just couldn't see himself doing it" +"Do you know the god who is in charge of the aging process of humans","He is called as the MANAGER" +"British police confirm that an entire northern town has gone missing unfortunately, they have no","Leeds" +"I took all the watches in my house the other day and made them into a belt","To be honest though, it was just a waste of time" +"The other day I yelled into a colander","I strained my voice" +"My first attempt at writing a dad joke. Please take it easy on me. A dad joke","How did I do" +"Why do orthodox jews get a lot of cavities","There saliva is extremely Hassidic" +"The name of the man you can count on the most","Hans" +"My dad hands me this nasty shoe sole and says I found my sole fishing in the mountains I just want you to have it. OOC","He brought the shoe sole 1500 miles just to tell me this dad joke" +"Got the wife and daughter with this one When i got home my daughter was peeling eggs for dinner. I stood next to her staring at the egg being shelled intently. Having fun. Oh yes, this is very a-peeling","I got groans all around" +"What do you call an alligator wearing a vest","An investigator" +"Who wants to hear a joke about the middle east","Israeli Good" +"If you're having trouble getting a job, do some work on a farm","Companies love it when you have field experience" +"No idea if anyone is interested but a friend has opened up an ice rink charging just 10p a go","Cheap Skate" +"Why is England the wettest country","The queen has reigned there for many years" +"My gf told me she gets weirded out when I'm too literal","So I gave her a piece of my mind" +"How many animals are in the alphabet. Just 1","A B" +"I finally told my dad to stop telling his bad jokes","He said, what do you expect from a groan man" +"I was asked for a joke with a good punchline I film funny jokes and put them on facebook, I get a few requests like this but this time i decided to play for a little bit. [Album of 6 photos showing my inner father](http://imgur","com/a/TU3Ed)" +"Someone said that my clothes looked gay today","I told them my clothes came out of the closet today." +"Why don't blind people clean up after their guide dogs","Because they can't see shit" +"I started growing a beard recently. At first I didn't like it","But it's grown on me" +"If a bronco is bucking, then what is a fronco","Trick question — there's no such thing as a fronco" +"I found out a way to stop oversleeping","It was eye opening" +"Why isn't the corona virus in Antartica","Because they are already in ICEolation" +"I had a dream about 1, 3 and 5 last night","It was really odd" +"Dad, why is there a fence around cemeteries. Me: Dad, why is there a fence around cemeteries","Dad: Because people are just dying to get in there" +"I was planing a camping holiday. but I have to say I'm far from impressed with my travel insurance","It turns out if someone steals my tent in the night I'll no longer be covered" +"How do you stay alive in a dead pool","You use the ** death stroke **" +"My wife told me she doesn't like coffee","I told her this is grounds for divorce." +"All of my friends have such expansive bucket lists","Mine is just a little pail in comparison" +"Sometimes my dad calls me. Pinocchio. I asked why and he said","I was made out of wood." +"What’s a monsters favorite kind of sweets","Dead velvet cake" +"Did you know that Americans eat more bananas than monkeys every year","Which makes sense, because I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey" +"When is a door not a door","When it's ajar" +"This is a joke from my dad today. So we were at my football game discussing what positions everyone was playing. This is how the conversation went. Dad: okay so who's playing in de gate. The team: *confused* what do you mean, where is de gate. Dad: oh, its next to defence","" +"I used to be a member of the secret cooking society","But they kicked me out for spilling the beans" +"How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend to the chicken burger","Meat Patty" +"What's so great about Omaha, Nebraska","It's the only city that starts with a sigh and ends with a laugh" +"I bought my shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but","I've been tripping all day." +"Today I launched a book aimed at 9-12 year olds","I proud to say I managed to hit one of the little shits" +"I just traded our luxury bed for a trampoline","My wife hit the roof" +"How does Bruce Lee walk when he’s not walking fast","Slowlee" +"What has four legs but cannot walk","A paralyzed bear" +"What kind of pants do clouds wear","Thunderwear" +"I think i might be addicted to dough,. I don't just want it,","I knead it." +"The airlines need to upgrade their wifi","They've got some serious jetlag" +"My wife called me ridiculous","I told her she's ridicumore." +"One from my Dad Me: Dad I like your new truck. Dad: Thanks. It even came with a passenger side air bag. Me: Really. Dad: Yeah, but only when your mom is riding with me. This was 20 some odd years ago when airbags were a newish thing","Still miss hearing his jokes" +"How to turn a family vacation into a Dad Joke. [Family vacation](https://youtu. be/QzBk7TpMP8c. t=13s)","Having fun with tweens on vacation" +"Sony had a PlayStation product to compete with the WiiU. called the PU. Was never successful","Everyone thought it stank" +"My wife tried to Momjoke my son I was sitting on the couch with my son helping him with his homework. He says I need to write (past/passed), but which way do I spell it. Mom yells from the bathroom I-T. He looks at me and says what. She repeats. I explain to him. He says oh, I thought said 'I'm peeing (like I can't help you right now","), he just shrugged his shoulders and said he still needs an answer" +"My buddy Bill just got fired from the lightbulb factory he works at","He was always lit" +"What do you call bread that doesn’t want its name out in the public","Anaanymous" +"The price of air pumps has been going up recently","It’s because of inflation" +"If you see a crime at the Apple Store","Does that make you a an iWitness" +"I thought about making a joke about a woman with a breast implant made out of wood","But that would be in poor taste, wooden tit" +"What do you call a Santa Claus whose legs are different lengths","Slanta Claus" +"How did Harry Potter get down the hill. He ran. JK","rolling" +"My ex-wife still misses me","But her aim is getting better" +"What do you call cheap deer viagra","A bang for your buck" +"I graduated with a Chemistry degree, but the only job I got was testing carbonated beverages","It was Soda grading" +"What kind of car does an egg drive","A Yolkswagen" +"My wife told me the kid almost burned the house down","Now i’m really scared of arson" +"What do you call an Irishman on the porch","Patty O'Furniture" +"What do you guys think of Steak puns","I think it's a rare medium well done" +"Hey ryu can I borrow your move","Sure-you-can" +"As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked with me with tears in his eyes and said: Y'know, one would've been enough","*shoutout to r/memes where I found this*" +"So my daughter is signing up for band. I want to play the clarinet very badly. Why not pay attention so you can play well","*glares*" +"My dad on an old coworker's divorce I work in the same industry as my dad, and during a dinnertime conversation, the topic shifted to one of his old coworkers that I'd recently met. I mentioned that her last name was Smith, he told me he remembered that it was Wright. I told him that she had gotten divorced a few years ago, and he got a grin across his face. He looked me dead in the eye and said, Well then, I guess Mr. Wright turned out to be Mr. Wrong. He started laughing as my mom and I groaned and shook our heads","" +"A new Tesla doesn't come with the new car smell","It comes with an Elon Musk" +"What do you call an artist who strangles people","An artichoke" +"When I went to the airport. Security asked me why I had a bag of dead squirrels","I told them it was my carrion bag" +"Spider joke found on Imgur. My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer. --- Sorry if this is a repeat, I'd never seen it on here. [Here's the image I came across. ](http://imgur","com/gallery/tMIFR)" +"my girlfriend left me because","I'm insecure nevermind she's back she just went to pee" +"class dad diabetes joke I'm a type 1 diabetic and told my dad I had to go check my blood glucose levels before we ate. He walked by about 10 minutes later and in classic dad form goes, Dad: Still red. Me: What. Dad: You checked your blood","Still red or do we need more dye" +"I'm going to spend a thousand dollars for a computer on black friday","It's going to be grand" +"Diablo dad joked by gf Playing Diablo 3 with the girlfriend, she steals a kill with her battleaxe that I was saving for a trap kill. I'm sorry","It was an axe-ident" +"I asked my father if he got a haircut today. He answered with No","I got them all cut" +"Yes, I cat call. And I won't apologize for it. I don't care if it's Tabby, Siamese, persian or even mixed breed. If I see a cat, I'm calling it over to me","And petting it too, if I can" +"What did the lawyer do to the lady that pushed him into a manhole","Sewer" +"When I was a kid. Anytime my Grandfather would drive past a cemetery when I was with him, he would turn to me and ask “You know who’s buried over there don’t you. ” Me not even thinking of the fact that he’s said this a ton of times “No who. ” Him: “Dead people","”" +"there was an inventor in the early 1900s who invented a device that instantly made all bells in the world disappear. He won the","Nobel prize" +"I was once in a queue with. John. Miles and. Miles. Davis. It didn't take long, but it went on for. Miles and","Miles." +"My wife thinks this one sucks How do you get the attention of a seamstress","&#x200B; a-HEM" +"Where do moths go when they want to dance","Moth balls" +"My Maths Teacher called me average","How Mean" +"Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers","He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them" +"North Korean Dad Joke Son: How are things going, Dad","Dad: I can't complain" +"Playing cards when. I was out with a group of friends and we were deciding what card game to play. One of my friends said, Well, we could play euchre or something else. I then asked her, Hmmm, how do you play something else","Cue the emotionless stare" +"I saw a camouflage truck in a parking lot today. Me: I wish you'd made a comment on that camo truck, so I could say What truck","Mom: Sorry, I didn't even see it" +"Thanks dad. Me: I'm not as stupid as I look you know","Dad: Thank God, you dodged a bullet there" +"I recently found out how deep the ocean is","I couldn’t fathom it" +"A duck walks into the pharmacy to purchase chapstick","And asks the cashier to put it on his bill" +"If you're young, this might go over your head [Punchline](https://imgur","com/r/funny/dX9MGM8)" +"What did the donkey do when he was driving his car and got cut off","HEE-HAWnked his horn" +"My jean size is 32x32. That means I'm not fatter than I am tall yet","That means you're a square -Dad" +"I hate autocorrect. It makes me say things. I didn't","Nintendo." +"My dad just came home from surgery still a little loopy. Pulled this one on my brother and I. Me: We should have post surgery cake. (Proceed to tell my brother he should make it just to see if he would. ) Bro: I'm not making that cake bro. I gotta leave. Dad: I've got Tylenol","Took me a minute but damn was it funny" +"What do you call when Batman skips church","Christian Bale" +"The city of. Augusta has just outlawed. Chinese food. That’s pretty low","Maine" +"Riding shotgun with wife and asked her what's up. before she was about to drive away. She said nothing, why. Your handbrake","(I could almost see the irritating smoke coming from her nostrils" +"Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbor","Because she can't lay down (Old guy at work told me this today)" +"A dad and his son are out camping when they hear a loud roar outside their tent. Scrambling, they look outside and see a bear, standing on its hind legs. Roar. the bear growls. They begin to run away into the woods, but the bear doesn't give chase. In fact, it's still standing there, looking at the tent. Roar. the bear growls. They stop and watch but it just keeps standing there. They inch closer, but no reaction. Roar. the bear growls. They summon up all their courage and approach to within inches. No reaction. Roar. the bear growls. I think this bear might be broken, observes the son. The dad nods","I think that bear's repeating" +"I went in to a pet shop and said, “Can I buy a goldfish. ” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium","” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is" +"Jive. Turkey","Day that is all." +"A guy came by my workshop today to pick up a replica of his butt that. I molded out of silicone","He literally had his ass handed to him." +"Why do chapped lips like California","It's always balmy" +"My wife tells me. I silently bottle up my frustrations. I guess. I'm a. Ninja","Worrier" +"Why couldn't the skeleton cross the road","Because it didn't have the guts" +"What do you do with a dead chemist","You Barium" +"Must. keep. maritime puns","at bay" +"If you found a pony with a sore throat","Would you say it was a little hoarse" +"What is a Jawa's favorite pasta","Rotiniiiiiiiiii" +"In the end, Flat Earthers only have 1 thing to fear","And that is sphere itself" +"The OB/GYN was a fun, down to earth lady","She brings out the kid in you" +"How can you tell if Amish people live on a particular road","It has a no outlet sign" +"When does a pregnant bed bug give birth","In the Spring" +"What did Jesus say at the last supper","All right, everyone who wants to be in the painting, get on this side of the table" +"Who led the Jews through a smei-permeable membrane","Osmoses" +"Why did the tomato blush","He saw the salad dressing" +"LPT: If you ever go on a date and the person has the banner of the former Soviet Union hanging on their wall","That's a huge red flag" +"I hate the new Windows 10 update","It puts me on Edge" +"I showed my dad the 'Suicide Squad' trailer, hoping he would come to see it with me","He said, it wouldn't last very long" +"I almost fell down the stairs with a basket of laundry","I said “that was a close one” My dad said “No, that was a clothes one" +"Did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband with a fork. Joke teller: “it was Reese. ohh what was her name. Reese. ” Person: “Witherspoon","” Joke teller: “No I just told you it was with her fork" +"A bomb goes of in a cheese shop","You can see da brie everywhere" +"Have you ever smelled mothballs","How did you get his legs apart" +"My fiancee was trying to tell jokes and no one was laughing","Until she asked if everyone was laughtose-intolerant." +"My family took me to a psychiatrist when. I wouldn't stop eating guano. Turns out","I'm bat shit crazy" +"Did you know China is the most matriarchal society","Apparently everyone does only what Xi wants" +"Always time for a Dad Joke Just a few weeks ago I was on a camping trip with my friends and we were staying in a friends cabin out on their private property. During the day when there wasn't much to do it was fun to get on a few ATV's we had and drive around. Through no fault of my own, I incidentally couldn't make a turn and crashed through a barb wire fence and sliced open my Neck, during the time I was being prepared for a helicopter ride to a Hospital rather far away I poked up from the stretcher while my friends watched and stated: With all this Adrenaline and this IV, I guess you could say I'm feeling pretty 'wired'","It was the proudest moment of my trip" +"Hey dad have you seen my sunglasses","No son, Have you seen my dad glasses" +"My deep-voiced friend surprised me by saying he likes to sing tenor","Ten or eleven miles away from anybody else" +"What did the baker say to the teller while robbing the bank","“Sorry, but I knead the dough" +"Discussing spinal disorders at breakfast. Kid: What's that disease called, the one that makes your spine all curved. Mom: That's Scoliosis. It can also mess up your ribcage and shoulders. Me: The people who discovered Scoliosis actually had it themselves. It was a husband and wife team. I think their last name was Dover. Kids: *staring intensifies* Me:","Ben Dover, and his wife Ilene Dover" +"A chiropractor’s sign at an event reads ‘free chair massage’. “Chair massages","I would’ve brought mine in if I knew ahead of time" +"Found this one on /r/comics [Here](https://np. reddit","com/r/comics/comments/3sidxk/fatherhood_oc/)" +"I took my girlfriend to a vault once","This was before I learned the true meaning of “safe sex" +"You can't run through a camp site","You can only ran, cause it's past tents" +"Did you know you could listen to marijuana","Just use some earbuds" +"I had chicken for lunch. I went out with my coworkers for lunch, and I had 1/4 of a chicken. When I came back, I told another coworker that I was in a food coma","She asked me if I had a food baby, and I told her I had no more womb for chicken" +"What happens when you combine a Dad Joke and a retorical question","*walks away*" +"Why did king Minos put Minotaur inside a labyrinth","He wanted to amaze his wife" +"What do you call an acid with attitude","A meano-acid" +"“Dad, I heard that the only way you guys could communicate with each other when you were young was landlines and snail mail","” Dad: No, you better get your fax straight" +"Waiter: Would you like soup or salad","Dad: oooh, what's a super salad" +"Why did the knight carry his cheese sword","Because it was sharp cheddar" +"Is it bad that I hate a certain race","I don't mind doing a 5k but my running group wants to do a 10k and i really don't like them :-D" +"Dadjoked a secretary I was trying to reach a guy with the last name Yip. When I called the front desk, I asked for him, and it went like: Me: Mr. Yip, please Her: Ok, Y-I-P. Me: I don't know, why do you. Her: . huh. Me: Yes, Y-I-P. Her: Transferring","I was amused, at least" +"Ughh, this is pointless http://imgur","com/sUMDl" +"After all the hand-wringing, criticism and 24-hour coverage, Anthony Scaramucci ended up only holding his new job in the White House for a single week","It was Mooch ado about nothing" +"My brother was telling me about an article he read It said cancer likes to thrive in an acidic environment. The article rated popular bottled water brands to show their pH balance. Evian had the lowest acidity so it was considered the best to drink. I turned to him and said, Let me get this straight. The article is essentially saying, 'It's all about that base. ' Eyes were rolled and soft chuckles were had","Although we're brothers, we agreed that was definitely something dad would say" +"My son asked why I kept pacing in front of the clock","I told him I was just passing the time" +"My husband said, Did I ever tell you I can put a whole fist in my mouth. Then he popped the baby's tiny hand into his own mouth. Tonight, he laughed out loud reminding me of how clever he was. Nine. Years. Later","Edit: damn you all for encouraging him" +"What do you call a barking dog in the Arctic","A sub-woofer Thanks for sorting by new you are doing a great job :)" +"What has four wheels and flies. A garbage truck. Credit goes to my nine year old","He's a dad in training" +"Where do Jamaicans go when they die","Limbo" +"My friend Phil runs red lights. It’s okay though","His business is contracted by the city to maintain them" +"How do you throw a space party","You planet" +"What's another name for a frozen burrito","A Burrrrito" +"Hey, can you tell me about infinity","Eh, it's a long story" +"Why was Half Life 3 never made","There are only two half-lives within the life of the series" +"Two wrongs don't make a right","But, two Wrights make an airplane" +"This happens every single time. Every time. I’m eating at a restaurant with my family and ask my dad where. I’m supposed sit, he always replies with: “On your butt of course”","He has been doing this for so many years, and he still finds it funny." +"Did you hear the comedian in a wheelchair","you could say it wasn’t stand up comedy" +"How do you make Holy Water. You boil the hell out of it","XD" +"When. I was growing up. I wanted to be a professional yoyo-er","I heard the career has a lot of ups and downs" +"My wife was always accusing me of being a cross dresser","So I packed up all of her clothes and left" +"Apparently the grammar on tobacco packaging costs money","My friend was very annoyed about the extra he had to pay for the syn-tax" +"Why can’t your hand be twelve inches long","Because then it would be a foot" +"My wife got me Me, feeling my son's forehead: His head feels a little clammy Her: That's OK","His body is a little mussel-y" +"I was going through these cards and found a great pair of boobies (SFW) Click the link to check out the boobies on these cards. (SFW) http://imgur","com/WO1b2r2" +"What do you call a guy who never farts in public","A private *tutor*" +"Why did Adele cross the road","To say HELLO FROM THE OTHER SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE" +"For his upcoming birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that would swear at him instead of ringing","He’s in for a rude awakening" +"Want to know what drives me to drink","My car" +"Our rap/rock band in high school was named “The Shake Machine","” Because “The Shake Machine” is ALWAYS down" +"Tax season My SO: You seem tired, did you have a busy night. Me: No, I just did taxes. I didn't realize they can be so. taxing","Pretty damn proud of myself for that one" +"So, I was at the hardware store. with my partner yesterday. We were just browsing through the doors aisle, got a little separated. He called me over, said I should see the next aisle. I asked why and he said, It's more doors","I replied, One does not simply walk into more doors" +"Talking to a dentistry student during a club meeting the other day. We're on the exec team of the student run swim club at our university and were discussing who will be coaching the groups next season. She mentioned that she could probably do some fill-ins for another coach if they need the night off . So I then asked her if she could do some fill-ings too. Took a moment, then there was a collective groan from the rest of the group and a fist headed to my shoulder","Ouch" +"My dad was bragging about catching a mole in the yard. So I ask him, How many more are there to catch. He says, Oh, about 6. 02 times 10 to the 23rd","Gotta love engineers" +"Finally wrote the script for my movie called Clocks","It's about time" +"What did mustard say when ketchup got glasses","Heinz sight is 20/20" +"You think you're alive","This says otherwise otherwise" +"What did the flamenco dancer admire about the fisherman","The way he’d cast a net" +"My girlfriend, her grandma, and i are all driving down the street when we pass a graveyard. Grandma: You guys know how many people are dead in there. Girlfriend: 100","Grandma: All of them" +"I got my sister She was telling me her plans for next weekend: Sister: . Then I'm going to Neil's surprise 30th birthday Me: Why is it a surprise. Doesn't he know he's turning 30","At least my mom cracked up :D" +"There are two fish in a tank. One fish turns to the other and says: You man the guns,","I'll drive." +"What do you call a snake that is 3. 14 meters long","A Pi-thon" +"Why did the princess only have eyes for Sir Lancelot","Because she had knight vision" +"My girlfriend called and said “Come over, nobody is home","” So I came over, and nobody was home" +"Dreamt I was running in France","Eiffel" +"Before working out,. I used to hate my physique","But now my muscles are growing on me." +"Why are dolphins considered the most productive animals","Everything they do is done with porpoise" +"We should have known communism wouldn't work","There were so many red flags." +"3 guys walk into a bar","You'd think the third one would duck" +"A skeleton goes into a bar The bartender asks, What'll be Bones","The skeleton replies, Two beers and a mop" +"Asked my roommate for a drill. Me: where's the drill. Her: I don't know. Me: if you were a dentist you'd know. Her: I'm no dentist. Me: Ain't that the tooth. Her: *groans. You're funny. Me: No, I'm Matt. She just walked away","" +"The cheesiest Me: I'm hungry can you make me a sandwich. Dad: Here, let me make you a grilled cheese. (proceeds to open fridge, and take out the cheese) Dad: GOD DAMNIT CHEESE,YOU LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHIN. I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO GET SOME WORK DONE TODAY. KEEP THIS UP AND YOU WONT BE HERE NEXT MONDAY","I never got a sandwich" +"I went to the store to get eight cans of sprite","But when I got back home I realized I had only picked seven up" +"What do you call a slutty cookie. A whoreo","(Props to the guy with the slutty spaghetti" +"Never challenge death to a pillow fight","Otherwise you'll face reaper cushions" +"My brother did not talk to me for the rest of the day http://imgur. com/i5qvgbm","jpg" +"It takes time to develop a web browser","Chrome wasn't built in a day." +"Dad, are we pyromaniacs","' Yes, we arson" +"Have you ever tried to eat a clock","It's very time consuming" +"I don't get all the excitement surrounding Nintendo's new product announcement","My house is full of light switches" +"What is the least spoken language in the world","Sign language" +"Why does santa have such a big sack","He only comes once a year" +"What's brown and sticky","A stick" +"What happens after you eat aluminum","You sheet metal" +"What do you call a hippie’s wife","Mississippi" +"Haunted mountain What do you call the top of a haunted mountain","Peak-a-boo" +"Did you hear about the newspaper reporter assigned to cover spiky vegetables","It's a rough beet" +"Why are lemons safer than limes","There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease" +"What do you call a hooker that you pay with spaghetti","A pastatute" +"Did Texas survive last week’s winter storms","Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrly" +"Got my vice principal today. My friends and I were arm wrestling at lunch, we get around 3 matches in when our vice principal came in and told us we had to stop. We ask why and I say it's because we're not allowed to be armed at school. The vice principal walks away and my friends laugh their asses off","Today was a good day" +"On the first day of highschool. A father looked at his son and said, I don't want this to be all about a diploma. I want you to think bigger","Try shooting for a B-ploma or even an A-ploma" +"I've been named the patron saint of Chipotle","Call me Guaca-holy" +"Wanna play a game. >. Peek-A-Boo","<" +"How do you call an Irishman who's so hyperactive that he's literally bouncing off the walls","Rick O'Shea" +"What do cats like to eat on a hot day","Mice cream cones" +"Why was the DJ no longer allowed at the vegetable hospital","He kept dropping sick beets" +"Just Dadjoked my college student daughter She, while reading through a question on her assignment for an upper level English class: * I don't understand this question, there* **has** *to be a typo in it. * Me: *Just because you don't get it doesn't mean there's an error. * She: *No. There's a word missing or something. there's a typo, I just can't figure out where. * Me: *Oh, quit being such a*. (dramatic pause). *TYPOCHONDRIAC * I laughed","that's what's important" +"You know those divider sticks at the grocery store when you are checking out","I kept trying to buy one but the cashier kept putting it back" +"My favorite movie, without a doubt. is Mrs","Fire" +"An Adele Dad Joke To my wife: Why did Adele cross the road","To say Hello from the other side" +"What's an. Octopus's favorite toy. His eight little","Lego's!" +"Ever tried to eat a clock","It's time consuming" +"I just downloaded a pirate copy of Bohemian Rhapsody the Movie. The quality is CRAP","I can only see a little silhouette of a man" +"A man tried to sell me a coffin today","I told him that's the last thing I need" +"Where can you read about dead satellites","In the orbituaries" +"To the guy who invented 0","Thanks for nothing." +"Showed my dad the reddit feed of the standoff between French police and Abdelhamid Abaaoud","Shit's Abaaoud to go down" +"I was trying to make up a joke about the ocean","but I couldn't think of anything pacific" +"My wife asked if. I heard about. Disney trying to buy. Twitter Yeah, if that happens every","Disney movie will have to have 140 characters!" +"The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first. If they survive, the vaccine is safe","If they don't, the country is safe" +"In preparation for fatherhood I Dad joked my boss yesterday","Boss (to colleague on the phone) - Make sure you check all the trees Me - Make sure he checks the fours as well I feel ready" +"Bro do you want a pamphlet","Brochure" +"Here, Here. Hey babe, I'm kinda hungry. Can you toast some bread for me. *raises glass* To bread","I never got my toast" +"Scientists have finally figured out why, when geese flying in 'V' formation, one side is longer than the other","That side has more geese in it" +"“Let that sink in,” he said","“Ugh, what does the sink want this time" +"Did you hear about the panda that had his life fortune stolen","He was bamboozled" +"I went to the zoo the other day. All they had was a dog","It was a shitzu" +"To the kids while I'm in the kitchen: Hey, do you want to see something cool. Them: Yes. Look, it's the fridge. Whole family: *groan*","My work here is done" +"Got my buddy on the way to a show Me: did you eat. Bud: Nah I figured we'd grab a slice when we're in town, I don't know what pizza is around there though","Me: Well all pizza is around there unless you order a square" +"Why can't a ginger play in a blue's band","Because they have no soul" +"While playing Minecraft with my wife, I tried to kill a cow behind her, but I accidentally hit her instead","I swear, it was a miss-steak" +"Pulled this dad joke on my GF today. GF: So there's this myth among us women that ---- Me: Of course it was just among you women, if it was among men, it would be a myth-ter","She loved it" +"Why should you never tell jokes on an airplane","Because they'll just go over everyone's head" +"People have been asking me what I'll be doing in 3 years. I'm like C'mon Bro","I don't have 2020 vision" +"Some people have trouble sleeping","I can do it with my eyes closed" +"My wife and i were happy for 20 years","Then we met." +"Missed the World Hairdressing Championships on TV last night","Anyone know if there's a highlight program" +"Girlfriend asked me what. I would give up to get laid","I answered, my virginity" +"I applied for a job as a doorman. I didnt get it","I was very surprised, I thought it was an entry level position" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When the punchline becomes apparent" +"What's The Vision's favorite year","2020" +"What US state has the most Christmas spirit. Idaho-ho-ho","Kudos to my 9 year old son for coming up with this on his own" +"I couldn't sleep last night because I kept dreaming about engines","I woke up exhausted" +"Got my wife while she was taking a break from an essay she was writing. Her: I look forward to graduating and having free Sundays Me: I think Friendly's gives you a free sundae if it's your birthday","Her: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN" +"I work in a liquor store and got owned by an old guy who I thought had an honest question. How do they make Budweiser. Well, Budweiser is made partly from rice and uses forced carbonation, whereas most craft beer is made from barley and the carbonation comes from bottle conditioning. No","They send him to school" +"Today I went full dad Threw a snowball at my daughter who said Stop it dad, that's not cool. and I immediately replied Actually it's -15 °C","I guess there is no turning back now" +"What do you call a congregation of German ducks","An Ente-moot" +"The audition team told me to break a leg","I guess they really wanted me to be in the cast" +"Help. I have food stuck in my throat. &#x200B; Haha, just choking","Haha, just choking" +"I dadjoked my friend today. Me: Do you think you're ready for the exam tomorrow. Friend: I won't be here tomorrow, I'm going to my great uncle's funeral. Me: What makes you think he's so much better than your other uncles","Friend:" +"Your mom and. I almost named you the. Spanish","Inquisition because nobody expected you." +"Everyone thinks it's so progressive that Elsa from Frozen is getting a girlfriend","But Olaf has been gender fluid this whole time" +"Classic dad joke I work in the toys department at a local store, and everything has recently been marked down to clearance prices due to new items coming in within the next few weeks. Cue a dad and his six year old daughter. The little girl has a little bit of a southern drawl. The dad says to pick out something on clearance, and she can maybe get it. So little girl proceeds to pick up everything on clearance and announce This is clearance. Over and over and over again. Finally, little girl picks up a Barbie doll and, once again, announces this is clearance. Well, to me and the dad, it sounds like she is saying Clarence. So the dad snaps into full on dad joke: hi Clarence, I'm dad. I laughed out loud and the dad started cracking up too, the daughter confused at the joke","TL;DR, Southern drawl six year old clearance shopping, making clearance sound like Clarence, dad snaps, hi Clarence, I'm dad" +"There are 4 people on a boat with 5 cigarettes and no lighter","They throw one cigarette out and boat becomes a cigarette lighter" +"Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar","They both have a good time" +"I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage","I asked a zookeeper what that was about and he told me it was bread in captivity." +"How do dogs pre-write an essay","By writing a RUFF draft" +"I talked my dad into watching a samurai movie by calling it the Japanese equivalent of a Western. Dad: So it's an Eastern","I walked right into that one" +"There are two kinds of","Scientists in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data...." +"I asked. Black. Panther what brand he likes his headphones. He said he's more of a","Bose man himself" +"A man was recently arrested for shoplifting at my local supermarket whisky balanced on the shoulders of two vampires","He was charged with theft on two counts!" +"Why does the hypochondriac only buy 10 eggs at a time","Because there's tumor in a dozen" +"My parents banned me from riding my Vespa in the yard","So I just moped around the house all weekend" +"I’m so happy, my 3 year old daughter is learning Dad Jokes. Went to our local Zoo today and 1/2 way around there is a cafe so I asked her if she wanted an ice cream. and she said. I Scream - aaaarrrhhhhh","Even better when actually a true story" +"I have a lot of unemployment jokes","But none of them work" +"Got my friend today. I had recently got a new haircut, when she said 'Your new haircut is really growing on me'. I replied 'No, it's growing on ME","' Anyway, now she hates me for being such a comedic genius" +"Coworker came in today with a buzzcut claiming he got into a fight with a lawn mower","I told him he fought the lawn and the lawn won" +"What do you call it when a stoner buries his stash","A pothole" +"what happens to a frogs car when it breaks down","It gets toad away" +"Talking about my wisdom teeth removal, dad busts this out A know it all patient is trying to tell the surgeon how to do everything. The surgeon throws up his hands and says 'Suture yourself","' (Suit yourself) Cue eye rolling from me and my mom" +"My wife said seeing me with a beard is starting to grow on her","I told her the beard is growing on me too" +"What's brown and sticky","A stick" +"Some say I'm good with puns","Others just call me a Pundit" +"What's the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dabi","People in Dubai don't watch The Flintstones but people in Abu Dabidoooooooooo" +"GPS navigation dadjoke I'm not a dad yet but my wife and I are in the process of trying. To get ready for fatherhood I hit her with this one every time we are coming up to a right turn and the car navigation says please turn right now. okay, but which way","it's good for a groan every time" +"How did the hipster burn his mouth","He drank his coffee before it was cool" +"It's Rosh Ha'Shanah and I'm baking challah [bread]. My pun-happy nine year old says, I smell tae kwan _dough_ . To which I reply, More like _judo_ to me","judo == jew dough" +"dad joked my wife My wife went to remove a bread crumb from our infant son's shirt and somehow managed to flick the piece of bread into her own eye. She looked at me in pain and asked Do I have a piece of bread in my eye. I couldn't help but respond with yes, but first I must remove the loaf in my own eye . reference: https://www. biblegateway. com/passage/","search=Matthew+7%3A5&version=ESV" +"Got my pregnant wife just now. Background: My wife is pregnant with our first, and her great grandmother had over 20 single births. So we were talking about labour: Me: Don't worry, love, you've got great genes for labour. Her: Yeah, I know. : S Me: But you're really going to have to take them off","They'll definitely get in the way" +"They're lots of options when buying tape and duct tape gets a lot of recognition but i've","Always found transparent tape to be the clear winner." +"I asked my teacher why he has never farted in front of the class","He said it's because he's a teacher, not a tutor" +"When I went into the barn I saw my father doing a strip tease act in front of our tractor He explained that he went to a marriage counselor because mom didn't want to be intimate anymore","The counselor told him he should do something sexy to attract her" +"Classic Three Stooges Dad Joke One Stooge: Did you take a bath. Another Stooge: Why. Is one missing","*nyuk nyuk nyuk*" +"My wife told me “you’re not even listening to what. I’m saying”. I thought, “that’s a weird way to start a conversation”","True story" +"What do you call a man who got rich selling refrigerators","A fridge magnate" +"Let the dad jokes begin. My wife just took a pregnancy test that came up positive. After the initial shock she turns to me and says well, happy Sunday. Without missing a beat I say or perhaps daughter day","It has begun" +"Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road","Because he had no guts" +"My buddy who's an oyster can be pretty full of himself","You might even say he's a little shell-fish." +"How do huskies like their peas","Mushy" +"I asked a girl out on a date to a buffet tonight","She said no thanks, I have a lot on my plate right now" +"Did you know some gazelles can jump higher than the average house","That's because the average house doesn't jump" +"How did the laughing birds hatch","They cracked up" +"Happy Birthday. Is what my dad would say to everyone on Thanksgiving. happy birthday Turkey. He was the king. He died five years ago today","Thanks for all the jokes dad" +"Me: I think we are supposed to get rain from the south this week. Wife: I thought I heard from the west","My father: I'm pretty sure it comes from the sky" +"Is that a Yankee candle","Or one of those rebel candles" +"In the beginning of class. Friend- So I'm taking five classes but somehow have six exams in the next two weeks. Entomology just decided to have one next tuesday and then have another exam the following tuesday. Me- So would you say that bugs you","I was pretty proud of myself" +"I have never eaten ketchup in my entire life. So","I have a lot to ketchup on" +"Our little girl was born today. I wasted no time. We got to the hospital. Nurse: are you having pain. Wife: yes, a lot. Nurse: contracting","Me: oh my god, it's contagious" +"Yes, I can. Got my daughters with some quick thinking last night. I was annoying my younger daughter with some fatherly banter when she complained, Dad, can you NOT. To which I replied, Yes, I can. I just take two bits of string and tie them together. My bonus reward was the sound of my older daughter noisily expelling the big mouthful of drink she'd just had back into her cup, before laughing her head off","My work here is done" +"What do you call a hockey team full of old people","The Jerry hat tricks" +"What do you call someone who writes about teeth","An authordontist" +"What kinda gun doesn’t kill things","A vegun" +"What is it called when a dog leaves a vehicle","Disembarking" +"Should woman have çhildren after 35","No, 35 children is enough" +"A furniture store keeps on calling me","All I wanted was one night stand" +"why do ducks have feathers","to cover their butt-quacks" +"My SO this morning: Me: Your breakfast game is the bomb. com Him: Yeah, like http**s**. thebomb","com - I'm secure and I got this on LOCK down" +"Why call it a dad bod It's actually a father figure. Edit: woke up this morning and saw this with almost 1k up votes. Thank you guys, I'm honored","( Hi Honored, I'm Dad)" +"An aspiring thief enters the theatre","and steals the spotlight" +"The talent show's tomorrow and I'm not ready","I really gotta get my act together" +"I'm not even a dad yet, but","I'm proud of this one one" +"Did you hear the rumor going around about butter","Never mind, I shouldn't spread it" +"I've been a farmer most of my life","I guess you could say I'm outstanding in my field" +"A road trip Saw someone I know that posted this on Facebook. They were on a road trip and they said to their dad, Dad, keep left at the fork","And their dad replied, Ok, what about the spoons and the knives" +"Did you hear about the soccer team with the telekinetic player","They keep winning due to their psy-kick" +"what do you call an expensive but painful castration","A rip off" +"My wife yelled at me for something I didn't even do","Dishes :) Sorry if a joke like this has been posted" +"Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist","Egypt his tooth" +"What do you call a factory that sells good products","A satisfactory" +"I always knock on the fridge door before. I open it","Just in case there's a salad dressing" +"I bought my friend a French dip sandwich","He said, Au jus shouldn't have" +"Why do chicken coops have two doors","because if they had four they'd be chicken sedans" +"Warning: musical pun This Christmas, my dad, brother, and I went over to my grandfather's house to visit. My grandpa has a pool table, so we always play a couple games. Our teams were my dad and my brother against my grandpa and me. After his turn, my dad goes over to a piano in the corner of the room and starts playing Christmas tunes. His turn quickly comes up and he's still playing the festive tunes on the piano. My grandpa yells at him, Hey. We're playing pool. Stop playing piano. My dad replies, Fine","I'll play forte, and continued to play Jingle Bells, but very loudly" +"I can saw a wood plank just by staring at it. It's true","I saw it with my own eyes." +"I went broke working as a Lifeguard","I just couldn’t stay afloat" +"Dad, which country is the closest to the USA. It's easy son","It's USB" +"As my 17yo son is telling me about his new girlfriend, whose name is Autumn. I said 'be careful, she might leave you. ' He did not get it at first, so I had to repeat myself a couple of times","but I would have done that anyway" +"Why does a milking chair only have three legs","The cow has the udder" +"I was the one who captured the invisible man","He came walking out of his tailor's shop and I followed suit" +"I asked Do they have spirits in the hotel","Dad: No but they have ghosts This one one of the better ones from my dad" +"Why did the Melons have a large wedding","They cantaloupe" +"Did you know they cancelled Vivaldi","He only lasted Four Seasons" +"What d'you call the amount of money a fortune-teller can make in a month, making predictions. [OC] Her prophet margin","Not sorry, I've got to build up my repertoire of original jokes before my daughter's old enough to groan at them" +"My wife told me stop acting like a flamingo. So","I had to put my foot down" +"How is imitation like a plateau","They're both the highest form of flattery" +"I went hunting with my dad He killed a wild cat and hung it's ass in the wall. Me: why did you hang the ass and not the head","Dad: because son, it's a cat-ass-trophy" +"After slamming on my brakes to move a turtle from the road to a nearby body of water I turned to my wife. And said 'Honey, he will be e-turtle-y grateful","' This is a true story, happened today" +"My reply when people tell me. I've got a beard. No,. I didn't get it,","I made it myself" +"You know what Tics me off","Lyme Disease" +"Dad: Do you know where the Magna Carter was signed. Me: Can't remember. Where was it. Dad: At the bottom","Thanks dad" +"Son: “Dad, are you alright","” Dad: “No, I’m half left and half right" +"“Open up. ” “Says who","” Sesame" +"Why do mice have such tiny balls","Because so few of them like to dance" +"What kind of boots do pirates wear","Shiver me timberlands" +"What does the internet loving frog say","Reddit" +"How many eggs are there in a French omelette","One, because one's un œuf" +"What's a dog's least favorite kind of cake","Pound cake" +"What do you call an elderly person with really good hearing","Deaf defying" +"I was wondering why the collective noun is a murder of crows","probable caws" +"Did you hear about the lightbulb party","Yeah, it was pretty lit" +"Why did my TV start looking so good this year","It was his new years resolution" +"From my 7 year old: how do you get to the funeral home. You take the last right","I'm so proud" +"What do ghosts and lonely people have in common","They ain't got no body" +"My son told me he's started to feel aroused by the sound of running water","I told him to get his mind out of the gutter" +"How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas","He felt his presents" +"Did you hear about the bicycle killer","He was a cyclepath" +"The government is planning on sending citizens letters packed in dry ice","It's a new form of subliminal messaging" +"What is a Chinese cooks favourite Foo Fighters song","Learn to Fry" +"My friend wondered why only the secret service visited his business and no customers","I suggested maybe his business name should be Kitchen Surface Installers instead of Counter-Fitters" +"My dad on the new female Thor Marvel to introduce female Thor","Women's status in comic books has gone from bad to Norse" +"To whomever stole my copy of Microsoft Office","I will find you, you have my Word" +"Did you hear they arrested a T-Rex after he was hired on at the casino","He turned out to be a small arms dealer" +"What do you call back pain from being on social media for long periods of time","Scroll-iosis" +"What do you call a dwarf psychic on the run from the law","A small medium at large." +"To the person who stole my selfie stick","You need to take a long look at yourself" +"What do you call someone who doesn't like pizza","A weirddough" +"I cooked too much pasta yesterday It was very fusilli of me","Sorry, just had to pasta this onto other people" +"Classic from my childhood… The only barber in my town was a guy called Ted Jennings. **DAD**: I saw Ted Jennings today. He told me he can't cut hair any longer. **ME**: Why not","**DAD**: He can only cut it shorter" +"Whatever you do, don't spell part backwards","Because it's a trap" +"My wife looked at me funny when I asked for a small scary tea with 2 sugars just like hers. You know","a sweet little boo-tea" +"Every time","0:00 0:01 0:02 0:03 0:04 0:05 0:06 0:07 0:08 0:09 0:10 0:11 0:12 0:13 0:14 0:15 0:16 0:17 0:18 0:19 0:20 0:21 0:22 0:23 0:24 0:25 0:26 0:27 0:28 0:29 0:30 0:31 0:32 0:33 0:34 0:35 0:36 0:37 0:38 0:39 0:40 0:41 0:42 0:43 0:44 0:45 0:46 0:47 0:48 0:49 0:50 0:51 0:52 0:53 0:54 0:55 0:56 0:57 0:58 0:59 1:00 1:01 1:02 1:03 1:04 1:05 1:06 1:07 1:08 1:09 1:10 1:11 1:12 1:13 1:14 1:15 1:16 1:17 1:18 1:19 1:20 1:21 1:22 1:23 1:24 1:25 1:26 1:27 1:28 1:29 1:30 1:31 1:32 1:33 1:34 1:35 1:36 1:37 1:38 1:39 1:40 1:41 1:42 1:43 1:44 1:45 1:46 1:47 1:48 1:49 1:50 1:51 1:52 1:53 1:54 1:55 1:56 1:57 1:58 1:59 2:00 2:01 2:02 2:03 2:04 2:05 2:06 2:07 2:08 2:09 2:10 2:11 2:12 2:13 2:14 2:15 2:16 2:17 2:18 2:19 2:20 2:21 2:22 2:23 2:24 2:25 2:26 2:27 2:28 2:29 2:30 2:31 2:32 2:33 2:34 2:35 2:36 2:37 2:38 2:39 2:40 2:41 2:42 2:43 2:44 2:45 2:46 2:47 2:48 2:49 2:50 2:51 2:52 2:53 2:54 2:55 2:56 2:57 2:58 2:59 3:00 3:01 3:02 3:03 3:04 3:05 3:06 3:07 3:08 3:09 3:10 3:11 3:12 3:13 3:14 3:15 3:16 3:17 3:18 3:19 3:20 3:21 3:22 3:23 3:24 3:25 3:26 3:27 3:28 3:29 3:30 3:31 3:32 3:33 3:34 3:35 3:36 3:37 3:38 3:39 3:40 3:41 3:42 3:43 3:44 3:45 3:46 3:47 3:48 3:49 3:50 3:51 3:52 3:53 3:54 3:55 3:56 3:57 3:58 3:59 4:00 4:01 4:02 4:03 4:04 4:05 4:06 4:07 4:08 4:09 4:10 4:11 4:12 4:13 4:14 4:15 4:16 4:17 4:18 4:19 4:20 4:21 4:22 4:23 4:24 4:25 4:26 4:27 4:28 4:29 4:30 4:31 4:32 4:33 4:34 4:35 4:36 4:37 4:38 4:39 4:40 4:41 4:42 4:43 4:44 4:45 4:46 4:47 4:48 4:49 4:50 4:51 4:52 4:53 4:54 4:55 4:56 4:57 4:58 4:59 5:00 5:01 5:02 5:03 5:04 5:05 5:06 5:07 5:08 5:09 5:10 5:11 5:12 5:13 5:14 5:15 5:16 5:17 5:18 5:19 5:20 5:21 5:22 5:23 5:24 5:25 5:26 5:27 5:28 5:29 5:30 5:31 5:32 5:33 5:34 5:35 5:36 5:37 5:38 5:39 5:40 5:41 5:42 5:43 5:44 5:45 5:46 5:47 5:48 5:49 5:50 5:51 5:52 5:53 5:54 5:55 5:56 5:57 5:58 5:59 6:00 6:01 6:02 6:03 6:04 6:05 6:06 6:07 6:08 6:09 6:10 6:11 6:12 6:13 6:14 6:15 6:16 6:17 6:18 6:19 6:20 6:21 6:22 6:23 6:24 6:25 6:26 6:27 6:28 6:29 6:30 6:31 6:32 6:33 6:34 6:35 6:36 6:37 6:38 6:39 6:40 6:41 6:42 6:43 6:44 6:45 6:46 6:47 6:48 6:49 6:50 6:51 6:52 6:53 6:54 6:55 6:56 6:57 6:58 6:59 7:00 7:01 7:02 7:03 7:04 7:05 7:06 7:07 7:08 7:09 7:10 7:11 7:12 7:13 7:14 7:15 7:16 7:17 7:18 7:19 7:20 7:21 7:22 7:23 7:24 7:25 7:26 7:27 7:28 7:29 7:30 7:31 7:32 7:33 7:34 7:35 7:36 7:37 7:38 7:39 7:40 7:41 7:42 7:43 7:44 7:45 7:46 7:47 7:48 7:49 7:50 7:51 7:52 7:53 7:54 7:55 7:56 7:57 7:58 7:59 8:00 8:01 8:02 8:03 8:04 8:05 8:06 8:07 8:08 8:09 8:10 8:11 8:12 8:13 8:14 8:15 8:16 8:17 8:18 8:19 8:20 8:21 8:22 8:23 8:24 8:25 8:26 8:27 8:28 8:29 8:30 8:31 8:32 8:33 8:34 8:35 8:36 8:37 8:38 8:39 8:40 8:41 8:42 8:43 8:44 8:45 8:46 8:47 8:48 8:49 8:50 8:51 8:52 8:53 8:54 8:55 8:56 8:57 8:58 8:59 9:00 9:01 9:02 9:03 9:04 9:05 9:06 9:07 9:08 9:09 9:10 9:11 9:12 9:13 9:14 9:15 9:16 9:17 9:18 9:19 9:20 9:21 9:22 9:23 9:24 9:25 9:26 9:27 9:28 9:29 9:30 9:31 9:32 9:33 9:34 9:35 9:36 9:37 9:38 9:39 9:40 9:41 9:42 9:43 9:44 9:45 9:46 9:47 9:48 9:49 9:50 9:51 9:52 9:53 9:54 9:55 9:56 9:57 9:58 9:59 10:00 10:01 10:02 10:03 10:04 10:05 10:06 10:07 10:08 10:09 10:10 10:11 10:12 10:13 10:14 10:15 10:16 10:17 10:18 10:19 10:20 10:21 10:22 10:23 10:24 10:25 10:26 10:27 10:28 10:29 10:30 10:31 10:32 10:33 10:34 10:35 10:36 10:37 10:38 10:39 10:40 10:41 10:42 10:43 10:44 10:45 10:46 10:47 10:48 10:49 10:50 10:51 10:52 10:53 10:54 10:55 10:56 10:57 10:58 10:59 11:00 11:01 11:02 11:03 11:04 11:05 11:06 11:07 11:08 11:09 11:10 11:11 11:12 11:13 11:14 11:15 11:16 11:17 11:18 11:19 11:20 11:21 11:22 11:23 11:24 11:25 11:26 11:27 11:28 11:29 11:30 11:31 11:32 11:33 11:34 11:35 11:36 11:37 11:38 11:39 11:40 11:41 11:42 11:43 11:44 11:45 11:46 11:47 11:48 11:49 11:50 11:51 11:52 11:53 11:54 11:55 11:56 11:57 11:58 11:59 12:00 12:01 12:02 12:03 12:04 12:05 12:06 12:07 12:08 12:09 12:10 12:11 12:12 12:13 12:14 12:15 12:16 12:17 12:18 12:19 12:20 12:21 12:22 12:23 12:24 12:25 12:26 12:27 12:28 12:29 12:30 12:31 12:32 12:33 12:34 12:35 12:36 12:37 12:38 12:39 12:40 12:41 12:42 12:43 12:44 12:45 12:46 12:47 12:48 12:49 12:50 12:51 12:52 12:53 12:54 12:55 12:56 12:57 12:58 12:59 13:00 13:01 13:02 13:03 13:04 13:05 13:06 13:07 13:08 13:09 13:10 13:11 13:12 13:13 13:14 13:15 13:16 13:17 13:18 13:19 13:20 13:21 13:22 13:23 13:24 13:25 13:26 13:27 13:28 13:29 13:30 13:31 13:32 13:33 13:34 13:35 13:36 13:37 13:38 13:39 13:40 13:41 13:42 13:43 13:44 13:45 13:46 13:47 13:48 13:49 13:50 13:51 13:52 13:53 13:54 13:55 13:56 13:57 13:58 13:59 14:00 14:01 14:02 14:03 14:04 14:05 14:06 14:07 14:08 14:09 14:10 14:11 14:12 14:13 14:14 14:15 14:16 14:17 14:18 14:19 14:20 14:21 14:22 14:23 14:24 14:25 14:26 14:27 14:28 14:29 14:30 14:31 14:32 14:33 14:34 14:35 14:36 14:37 14:38 14:39 14:40 14:41 14:42 14:43 14:44 14:45 14:46 14:47 14:48 14:49 14:50 14:51 14:52 14:53 14:54 14:55 14:56 14:57 14:58 14:59 15:00 15:01 15:02 15:03 15:04 15:05 15:06 15:07 15:08 15:09 15:10 15:11 15:12 15:13 15:14 15:15 15:16 15:17 15:18 15:19 15:20 15:21 15:22 15:23 15:24 15:25 15:26 15:27 15:28 15:29 15:30 15:31 15:32 15:33 15:34 15:35 15:36 15:37 15:38 15:39 15:40 15:41 15:42 15:43 15:44 15:45 15:46 15:47 15:48 15:49 15:50 15:51 15:52 15:53 15:54 15:55 15:56 15:57 15:58 15:59 16:00 16:01 16:02 16:03 16:04 16:05 16:06 16:07 16:08 16:09 16:10 16:11 16:12 16:13 16:14 16:15 16:16 16:17 16:18 16:19 16:20 16:21 16:22 16:23 16:24 16:25 16:26 16:27 16:28 16:29 16:30 16:31 16:32 16:33 16:34 16:35 16:36 16:37 16:38 16:39 16:40 16:41 16:42 16:43 16:44 16:45 16:46 16:47 16:48 16:49 16:50 16:51 16:52 16:53 16:54 16:55 16:56 16:57 16:58 16:59 17:00 17:01 17:02 17:03 17:04 17:05 17:06 17:07 17:08 17:09 17:10 17:11 17:12 17:13 17:14 17:15 17:16 17:17 17:18 17:19 17:20 17:21 17:22 17:23 17:24 17:25 17:26 17:27 17:28 17:29 17:30 17:31 17:32 17:33 17:34 17:35 17:36 17:37 17:38 17:39 17:40 17:41 17:42 17:43 17:44 17:45 17:46 17:47 17:48 17:49 17:50 17:51 17:52 17:53 17:54 17:55 17:56 17:57 17:58 17:59 18:00 18:01 18:02 18:03 18:04 18:05 18:06 18:07 18:08 18:09 18:10 18:11 18:12 18:13 18:14 18:15 18:16 18:17 18:18 18:19 18:20 18:21 18:22 18:23 18:24 18:25 18:26 18:27 18:28 18:29 18:30 18:31 18:32 18:33 18:34 18:35 18:36 18:37 18:38 18:39 18:40 18:41 18:42 18:43 18:44 18:45 18:46 18:47 18:48 18:49 18:50 18:51 18:52 18:53 18:54 18:55 18:56 18:57 18:58 18:59 19:00 19:01 19:02 19:03 19:04 19:05 19:06 19:07 19:08 19:09 19:10 19:11 19:12 19:13 19:14 19:15 19:16 19:17 19:18 19:19 19:20 19:21 19:22 19:23 19:24 19:25 19:26 19:27 19:28 19:29 19:30 19:31 19:32 19:33 19:34 19:35 19:36 19:37 19:38 19:39 19:40 19:41 19:42 19:43 19:44 19:45 19:46 19:47 19:48 19:49 19:50 19:51 19:52 19:53 19:54 19:55 19:56 19:57 19:58 19:59 20:00 20:01 20:02 20:03 20:04 20:05 20:06 20:07 20:08 20:09 20:10 20:11 20:12 20:13 20:14 20:15 20:16 20:17 20:18 20:19 20:20 20:21 20:22 20:23 20:24 20:25 20:26 20:27 20:28 20:29 20:30 20:31 20:32 20:33 20:34 20:35 20:36 20:37 20:38 20:39 20:40 20:41 20:42 20:43 20:44 20:45 20:46 20:47 20:48 20:49 20:50 20:51 20:52 20:53 20:54 20:55 20:56 20:57 20:58 20:59 21:00 21:01 21:02 21:03 21:04 21:05 21:06 21:07 21:08 21:09 21:10 21:11 21:12 21:13 21:14 21:15 21:16 21:17 21:18 21:19 21:20 21:21 21:22 21:23 21:24 21:25 21:26 21:27 21:28 21:29 21:30 21:31 21:32 21:33 21:34 21:35 21:36 21:37 21:38 21:39 21:40 21:41 21:42 21:43 21:44 21:45 21:46 21:47 21:48 21:49 21:50 21:51 21:52 21:53 21:54 21:55 21:56 21:57 21:58 21:59 22:00 22:01 22:02 22:03 22:04 22:05 22:06 22:07 22:08 22:09 22:10 22:11 22:12 22:13 22:14 22:15 22:16 22:17 22:18 22:19 22:20 22:21 22:22 22:23 22:24 22:25 22:26 22:27 22:28 22:29 22:30 22:31 22:32 22:33 22:34 22:35 22:36 22:37 22:38 22:39 22:40 22:41 22:42 22:43 22:44 22:45 22:46 22:47 22:48 22:49 22:50 22:51 22:52 22:53 22:54 22:55 22:56 22:57 22:58 22:59 23:00 23:01 23:02 23:03 23:04 23:05 23:06 23:07 23:08 23:09 23:10 23:11 23:12 23:13 23:14 23:15 23:16 23:17 23:18 23:19 23:20 23:21 23:22 23:23 23:24 23:25 23:26 23:27 23:28 23:29 23:30 23:31 23:32 23:33 23:34 23:35 23:36 23:37 23:38 23:39 23:40 23:41 23:42 23:43 23:44 23:45 23:46 23:47 23:48 23:49 23:50 23:51 23:52 23:53 23:54 23:55 23:56 23:57 23:58 23:59" +"No matter how nice your kids are","German children are kinder" +"Why was the blonde fixated on the orange juice","Because the carton said ‘concentrate’" +"Why did the bicycle fall over","Because it was two-tired" +"What's a centurion's favorite meal","Roman noodles" +"A farmer walks out to his field of cows Looking around, he sees they all have dollar bills attached to them","In a fury, he rips the bills off them muttering “Damn cow tippers”" +"After checking my wallet, I stood in front of the vending machine and confidently said to myself","I have what it takes" +"Do locomotive engineers ever do their job","Or are they always just training" +"A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. ''Hi,'' he croaks. ''What's your name. '' The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you. '' ''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money. '' The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay,what's your name. '' The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger. '' ''Really. '' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Mick Jagger. '' ''Yeah, he's my dad. '' ''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral. '' The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do. '' The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager. '' ''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me. '' The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is","'' The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone" +"Does semi parking mean","that I just put the car into neutral" +"Who makes money using the john","Prostitutes" +"How many reindeer does santa have. 10: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comit, Cupid, Donner, Blizten, Rudolph, and Olive","Olive the other reindeer Courtesy of a random friendly customer I had today" +"What did the moon say to the sun. “Hello Sun. ” What did the sun say to the moon","“Dad" +"What's the leading cause of dry skin","Towels" +"What is the oldest animal","Zebras because they're still black and white" +"Did you hear about the farmer who let his 196 cows out to pasture","When he rounded them up he had 200" +"How do you make a tissue dance. Just put a little boogie in it","Dad got me with this today" +"Are people born with a photographic memory","Or does it take time to develop" +"My girlfriend thought I was uncircumcised","I told her that was a falsehood" +"I just bought a book, “How to prevent skin injuries and burns","” It is non-friction" +"Got Refreshments at the Front Desk of the Hotel Front Desk Guy: Would you like to bill that to your room. Me: Yes please FDG: What room are you in","Me: I'm in the lobby" +"My son was crying today because he spilled his scrambled eggs all over his art supplies","He was having an eggs and stencils crisis" +"Just hit my girlfriend with this one. Not even a dad but I'm preparing myself for the day. My girlfriend and I were cuddling on the couch. I put my head on her chest. ME: Your boobs make good pillows. HER: Yea they are pretty soft. ME: Are they made of mammary-foam. She paused for a moment before groaning and eventually giving it a good chuckle","So proud" +"What animal has the softest bite","Gummy bears" +"What’s a spaghetti noodles favorite movie","Mission ImPASTAble" +"Steak and eggs walk into a bar","And the bartender says, “Get the heck outta here, we don’t serve food!”" +"Guy who designed first handles","opened doors to a lot of opportunities" +"What kind of job lets you talk dirty","Cusstodian" +"Color Blind Found out I was color blind the other day","That one came right out of the orange" +"So my girlfriend turned 22 years old today. I told her it sucks that she only gets to celebrate for a third of a minute. She stared at me blankly","I said, ya know because it’s your twenty second birthday" +"My dad asks my sister if her shirt is felt. She says no then he proceeds to touch her shirt. It is now","The groaning ensued" +"Small apples Wife and I were at the grocery store and she finds a bad of tiny apples (about the size of strawberries). Wife: Look at these mini-apples. So cute Me: I wonder where these mini-apples are made. Wife (checks the bag): It says California here Me: Nope, definitely not California. Wife (confused): What do you mean. Me: They are obviously made in Minneapolis","Wife (groans): Walked right into that one" +"Two silk worms got into a race","it ended in a tie" +"Sleepy Tea When you're in the army there's only one thing that can knock you out cold. That's when you dress up in all camouflage and run a full mile","We call that Chamomile" +"My wife is very appreciative of our laminate countertops","Im glad she doesn't take it for granite" +"What do they call a grandma that’s quick to respond","an InstaGram" +"The first joke my 3yo self ever made Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill. To get to the bottom","My dad remembers me being really proud of it and telling everyone, haha" +"What's black and white and black and white","A nun rolling down a hill" +"My uncle just dropped this one. You know how people say most car accidents happen within 3 miles of you house","I would just move house" +"What day of the week do chickens hide","Deep-Fry-Day" +"What does a police officer do in the bathroom","His duty" +"It's not a Cadillac son . [it's a . ](http://i. imgur. com/OZFXlET","jpg" +"Having trouble sleeping. Lie right on the edge of your bed","You'll soon drop off" +"What’s the worst type of plant to make a boat out of","Leeks" +"Two wafers fell into a vat of chocolate. The first one pulled the second one out. The second one said “thanks, you’re a lifesaver","” The first one responded “actually I’m a KitKat”" +"Had a true dad in my gift shop today. So I work in a gift shop and a major portioin of our merchandise is dedicated to a large display of stuffed animals of varying sizes. Mostly everyone that comes in spends some time looking at them all but I got a special treat with this family today. The parents and their two kids come in after supper time to look around. The daughters are looking at all the stuffed animals as the dad comes over. Dad immediately grabs the largest stuffed owl we have and holds it out towards his two daughters and wife and asks WHOOOOOO is this. There was a collective sigh from the shop as the father and I crack up laughing. The best part was the stuffed bird's actual name","Owliver" +"Eye drops are technically blinker fluid","It does indeed exist" +"How many impressionists does it take to change a light bulb","Fish" +"I saw some deaf people having a really bad argument from far away","I could tell by the signs" +"I was warned not to stealing kitchen utensils","but it was a whisk I am will to take" +"Russian Tortoise I am a proud father. Wife: Your teacher has a Russian Tortoise","6-year old son: Why is called Russian when it goes so slow" +"What do you call a baby peacock","A chickpea" +"What kind of pants did weight-lifters wear in the 1970s","BarBell Bottoms" +"I picked up the phone to someone who sneezed as. I answered","Turns out it was a cold caller." +"A new study is showing surprising advances in primate evolution: Dr. Thomas Ink, a researcher in southern Africa has found certain groups of apes 'brewing' alcohol by leaving old fruit to stand in water pools then drinking from it and becoming inebriated. Dr","Ink has dubbed these 'Monkey Bars'" +"What's the lazy baker's favorite recipe","Loaf bread" +"You're just like those peanuts from the bar","Complimentary (Use this after being complemented)" +"For a very long time, I would just make the same italian cuisine over and over again","But eventually my wife told me to stop with the copypasta" +"My dad hit me with this one today Me - Hey dad guess what I got on my Spanish quiz. Dad - What, peanut butter.",":(" +"Two middle aged men playing golf. Out of the corner of his eye, through the trees, one gentleman sees a funeral procession passing just outside the course. He removes his hat, holds it to his chest, bows his head and sheds a quick tear, before taking his shot. The other gentleman comments that he never knew he was so emotional","First gentleman replies, well we were married for 30 years, it's the least I can do" +"Never trust constipated people","They're so full of shit." +"Cemetery line. My dad and. I were driving past a cemetery","Him: you know, people are just dying to get into that place" +"Where do astronauts post their selfies","My space" +"Saw these lined up against the wall. [Preparing for their mug shots. ](https://imgur","com/a/3nGZI)" +"I got a note from my doctor today that says I must have daily sex. I couldn't wait and showed my girlfriend as soon as I got home","She insists I must have dyslexia" +"Guy annoys girlfriend with puns at Ikea [link to video](https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=7T2oje4cYxw&app=desktop)" +"Who is captain crunches supervisor","GENERAL MILLS" +"What did the Hindu man say when his friends invited him to go out","Namaste home" +"So I was showing my friend my home and he said what's up stairs","I told him stairs don't talk" +"My wife asked me if I would ever stop singing Wonderwall. I said maybe","Credit to u/HiltonFreidman who commented this in another sub" +"7 days without puns","makes one weak" +"Got me twice in 10 seconds. My dad keeps some hand sanitizer on-hand next to him in his car. As my dad was driving, I saw that there was a bit of hand sanitizer that had spilled onto his cup holder. Me: Hey dad, did you spill purell. Dad: P-U-R-E-L-L. Me: What. Dad: You asked me if I spelled purell, but I didn't so now I did. Me: **groans** Okay Dad, did you *spill* purell. [Emphasized pronunciation of word] Dad No I didn't spill purell. because that's germ-x","Me: **groaning intensifies**" +"My son had a nightmare, and threw the linens off his bed","He was scared sheetless" +"I decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because. I’m not big enough or strong enough. I’ve just handed in my","Too weak notice." +"I was recently fired from a keyboard factory","I just kept losing control" +"Netflix just stopped playing when my dogs got on the couch","They pawsed it" +"No one likes it when you deliver backwards","It's reviled" +"Down with the metric system","No more foreign rulers!" +"If you locked yourself out, talk to the door","Because communication is key" +"Why does the. Norwegian navy have barcodes on the sides of their ships. So when they come back to port they can","Scandinavian" +"Do you know what to do when you see a space man. You park your car, man. [My boyfriend's dad, ladies and gentlemen ](https://i. imgur. com/5SJYBA1","jpg)" +"Where does a dog go if he loses his tail","To the retail store" +"TIL baseball great. Lou. Gehrig died of. Lou. Gehrig's disease. My best friend. Al","Symers is nervous." +"I've stopped using rhetorical questions","What's the point" +"I asked my dad: who invented the dad joke . He replied: I don't give","Adam" +"What if you eat more than 239 beans","You'll be too farty" +"What's a Jamaican's favorite part of a frozen cake","Defrosting" +"Did you hear what happened when a man lied about his credentials to get in the band","It was quite a con on drum" +"My god damn roommate. I was getting ready for bed and I couldn't find contact solution. I approached my roommate and asked him if he saw it. His response. Hmm. I'm not sure","Have you tried contacting it" +"What is the difference between Niagara and Viagra","Niagara Falls" +"My GF was worried about her Star Wars cosplay. She wanted to go as the opening credits and start by painting it on her face. Then she got discouraged, “I can’t just paint it all dark with words on it, that’s blackface","” I told her, “No, that’s typeface" +"I was trying to get into shape and build a healthy relationship to my gym","it didn't work out" +"After weighing myself. Full disclosure, I'm just a guy in his mid-20s - not a dad, though with my cheesy sense of humor I may as well be. Wanted to share one of my prouder examples of that today. Anyways, a couple friends and I were visiting another friend out of town, and we'd been eating quite a bit on our trip (and not the healthiest stuff either). I randomly decided to weigh myself and found that I was 158 lbs, which was a bit alarming because I had just been around 150 a week or two prior. Came downstairs and the topic of how much we'd been eating came up. I mentioned my weight of 158, and one of my friends went Damn, how did that happen. And I swear to god, without even thinking, this just came out: Well I was 150","and then I eight" +"What do you call a Zippo that smokes weed","A highlighter" +"How do Chinese people make cutlery","They chopsticks" +"What did the 0 say to the 8. Nice belt","(This was just told to me by the dad of a student where I work" +"I tried writing with a broken pencil once","Then I realized there was no point" +"Went out for sushi with the office. A few minutes after our food showed up, I got to witness this beautiful conversation. *Struggling Coworker*: Chop sticks are just prongs, they should be way better at picking up food","*Manager*: Didn't your mother ever tell you that two prongs don't make a fork" +"Why was the penguin socially awkward","He couldn’t break the ice" +"So there was a question on the radio. What's your favorite don't-knock-until-you-try-it","My response: a doorbell" +"If a kid refuses to go have a nap","are they guilty of resisting a rest" +"I can count the number of times I’ve been to Chernobyl on one hand","Eight" +"So helium walks into a bar. The bartender says Sorry, but we don't serve noble gases here","Helium had no reaction" +"Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road","It got stuck in a crack" +"You can never run in a campground","You can only ran, because its past tents" +"The other day, I was really worn out from work, but I have my family very well-trained in the ways of the Dad Joke So, I was pretty worn out the other day and was not even close to my A game in terms of coherent conversation, let alone my sense of humor. At dinner, the kids wanted some yogurt so my wife got up to get it and asked me, Do you want some yogurt, Baby. I paused for a moment to actually decide whether I wanted some and must have made some weird look, because she immediately followed up with, I know, I know, 'What's a yogurt baby. ' The Dad Joke is strong in my home even when I'm not there to do the work","That is good news" +"What is an alcoholic mexican's favorite book to read. Tequila mockingbird","I thought of this at work yesterday idk whats wrong with me lol" +"I just had a near-sex experience…","my whole wife flashed before my eyes" +"What did the dad say when his son disregarded his recommendation on formal wear","Alright, suit yourself" +"Why does Elton John HATE lettuce. &#x200B;","'cos he's a ROCKET MAN" +"What do fish use for money","Dollar gills" +"My daughter asked me what. DNA stood for. I told her it was the. National. Dyslexics","Association." +"My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, Is this a pear","No, I replied, there is only one" +"Why didn’t anyone spot the aircraft while they were playing hide and seek","Because it was hidden from plane sight" +"Dadjoked the wife at the Old Spaghetti Factory. Went out for an anniversary dinner with the wife and kids to the Old Spaghetti Factory. If you're not familiar, their mascot is a trolley car and most restaurants have one right in the middle. We got seated at a table in the trolley, and service was great. At first. And then it became apparent that our server had given up on any sort of tip. So, at the end of the meal. Wife: We shouldn't tip her very well. Our service was terrible at the end. Me: Yeah, it really went off the rails","Wife: *eyeroll*" +"Why did the 10th Doctor never feel like he owned the Tardis","Because he was just a tenant" +"I've been having a tough time organizing things since the surgery","They removed my appendix" +"Why did the waitress get promoted","She brought a lot to the table" +"What does a clock do when it's hungry","It goes back four seconds" +"Why was the Pepsi employee arrested. Because he was selling Coke","Btw this is my first post on Reddit :)" +"If you're American when you're going into the bathroom, and American when you're coming out, what are you when you're in the bathroom","European" +"With my friend's dad So my friend and I are on vacation, on our way back to our hotel my friend starts complaining about the galaxy s5's autocorrect","His dad turns around and says, I know, it's my mortal enema" +"Amidst several groans, my dad and I were the only ones to laugh. Is your early 20s too early to embrace the dadjoke. Earlier today, I entered the living room where my parents, younger brother, and some of his friends were hanging out. I proceeded to sit cross-legged (something I don't normally do) on a comfy, unoccupied armchair. My mom stared nostalgically at me and said, You remind me of my dad. Back when he was alive, he used to sit exactly like that","Without missing a beat, my dad chimed in with, I guess you could say he is a sitting image of his grandfather" +"A man walks into Starbucks and asks for 354mL of coffee","The barista says well, that's a tall order" +"The inventor of the throat lozenge has died","They'll be no coffin at his funeral" +"You can test an ant’s gender with water. : If you put it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl ant","If you put it in the water and it floats, buoyant" +"Scientists found that the nervous system doesn't actually exist","It's just a lack of the confidence system" +"Did you giys hear that a new kind of broom is trending on Twitter","They say it's sweeping the nation" +"There are two types of people 1","People who make lists" +"Went to pick out pumpkins with my wife. Me: Wow, these are gourd-geous","Her: You're walking home" +"My dad's favourite joke while walking down the pop isle Dad: Man. I'm so thirsty I can drink Canada Dry","Me: (〒︿〒)" +"Gravity. Without it, you just have","Gravy" +"I bought a new thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible","it's also terrible" +"I was friends with a guy that cross bred insects","I liked him ar first, but soon got tired of his ant ticks" +"Why was the therapist mad at the negative parabola","Because it didn’t open up" +"What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree","Hold onto your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job" +"I love to tell. Grand. Dad jokes","They're 1,000 times funnier than regular dad jokes." +"Would you like some Thanksgiving leftovers. No thanks","I've quit cold turkey" +"I went in the chippy and said to the fella behind the counter ‘can I have a piece of cod. ’ He said ‘yeah, would you like it battered","’ I said ‘no thanks, just give it a quick slap I’m in a hurry’" +"It’s i before e except after “Old","MacDonald had a farm”." +"Lumber support Dadjoked the wife with this one: http://imgur","com/ctLkauq" +"Why does a duck have feathers","To cover its butt quack" +"What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo. Ones a little heavier and ones a little lighter","(Told by my dad uncle)" +"What happens when 12:00 smokes weed","It becomes high noon" +"Son: Dad, what does gay mean. Dad: Well son, it means you're happy Son: Are you gay Dad. Dad: No son","I'm married to your Mother" +"You were late for the meeting, you have to put money in the late jar. I would, but it hasn't shown up yet","Based on an actual exchange between myself and a coworker" +"A group of tomatoes were walking. The one ahead was getting seriously frustrated by the one lagging behind","So he went back, and stepped on him, and said, Ketchup" +"Dad Joked the wife in 2 languages So I'm British and my wife is Korean. She is ALWAYS asking for tissue to wipe her nose as it's constantly running. So joke 1: Baby, are you entering your nose in a marathon. Wife *puzzled look* Because it's always running. This led to a problem, she didn't understand it straight away. I was incensed, I explained it and got a few laughs from the family but it wasn't enough, I needed the groan. The next meal I tried again. In Korean, snot is called Nose water (direct translation). So with this in mind I said this 'Baby, we should send your nose to africa, it's full of water'. This led to the groan I so wanted. and an explaination as to why it was stupid","Mission sucessful" +"Got my coworkers today on the escalator. So we're heading into the underground station on a downwards escalator after work. Me: Hey guys, escalators go up right. Them: Uh. Yeah. Me: So this downwards one, would it be a de-escalator","-Insert groans and shaking heads-" +"What kind of tea do indecisive people drink","Uncertain-tea" +"At a 60th Wedding Anniversary Reception when. One of the distant aunts is walking around to each table taking pictures with her iPad for the couple the reception is for. She asks: They would like a picture of each table father in law chimes in. Just the table or could I be in it too. She laughs and holds up the iPad for the picture","Father in law sounds out Great, now she's reading her tablet instead of taking pictures Classic" +"A comedian walks in a dyslexic only funeral,","He couldnt read the room,neither could they." +"How do you know if a sniper loves you","He misses you" +"Girlfriend Dadjoked me last night. So I was grabbing my keys off the desk, which my Movado wristwatch was leaning against, to take out the trash. As I raised them up my watch fell on the hardwood floor face down and I freaked, my girlfriend looks up from her phone at the look on my face and says: Watch out. Then begins to laugh uncontrollably","The End" +"What is a foot long and slippery","A slipper" +"Did you know a kangaroo can jump higher than a house","Houses can't jump" +"What do you get when a giant steps on a house. Mush-Rooms First seen [here](https://www. reddit","com/r/Jokes/comments/o08lez/a_joke_i_remember_making_up_when_i_was_7_what_do/)" +"Which planet likes music","NepTUNE" +"Got my girlfriend, made my dad proud. Walking around the supermarket there's ice chilling the celery (something that I've never noticed before). My girlfriend saw it too. That's cool, never seen that before. me: What. It's just frozen water. [Her face. ](http://media1. giphy. com/media/Ru0JbwLFLchr2/giphy","gif)" +"My financial advisor just told me, “I’m sorry to say, but all of your assets are Frozen","”Why did you buy so many DVDs of the same movie" +"Why do people cry when crushing cans","Because it's soda pressing" +"There was a bear attack in my neighborhood last night","it was grizzly" +"Why is Amazon Fanfiction so Poorly Written","Because of all the one day shipping" +"What happens to blind fish after getting eyesight back","They get to sea" +"3 spears of asparagus. 3 spears of asparagus are walking down some railroad tracks when a train comes along. The first asparagus says, Watch this. He proceeds to make his way across the tracks, dodging and weaving between the wheels and making it clear to the other side. The second asparagus says, I got this. and proceeds to dodge and weave across the track and between the wheels, only at the last second gets bumped off, leaving her with a bruised behind. The last asparagus strolls up to tracks and hops right over and *BAM* gets slammed by underside of the train right in crown, breaking the stalk and sending him flying. His 2 friends come running up, they gather him up as best they can and rush him to the nearest hospital. After a grueling 12 hour surgery, the head surgeon comes out to the waiting area to update the asparagus spears. well, I have good news and I have bad news. he said. The good news is your friend is going to live","The bad news is he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life" +"Uncle Ben's is a dad too. http://imgur","com/3p4fatM" +"My girlfriend just got me for the first time. She opens my cabinet and turns to me and says You have ants in here. I look at her confused and say What. i rush over to see the movie Antz sitting on the shelf","I stared at her profusely" +"What do you do with a leaky roof and glue","You start ceiling it" +"Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar","They each got six months" +"My brother went on about this road fix to my dad There's this road that has a ton of pot holes and never gets fixed even after multiple complaints. Anyway, after a while, it eventually gets fixed and my brother is describing it to my dad. Since he takes it everyday he was getting excited about it. My dad goes: Well if you like it so much, why don't you marry it","My brother after little pause: Nah, too much maintenance" +"Why do they have walls around the cemetery","Because people are dying to get in" +"What do you call a group of people who just finished dinner","A party of ate" +"What do vegan zombies eat","Grains" +"[OC] The prehistoric shark in a limbo competition asked the presiding official, Don, to lower the bar. “Low enough. ” Don asked. “No, I want it even lower","I want it mega-low, Don" +"What did King Kong say when his sister had a baby","Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle" +"How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree","Paint its toenails red" +"After waiting at the hospital for 3 hours without being seen to I went to the triage nurse and complained saying","I'm trying to be patient here" +"What do you call a breath freshener for atheists","A heretic-tac" +"The other day my wife asked me how I became so damn good at making love","I told her she should thank all the women that came before her" +"I ate 15 bowls of alphabetti spaghetti yesterday. And today","I've had really bad vowel movement." +"My wife just earned her Dad Joke merit badge. Me: Indiana Jones carried a purse, except he called it a satchel","Wife: Yeah, and Chewbacca carried a purse, except he called it a WAARGARGAASRHAARRGG" +"Studies show that teenagers using nitrous oxide gas are at a record high","It’s no laughing matter" +"My local store is charging customers who dont have reusable bags","Theyre asked if i brought my own, or if i wanted a payper bag" +"I tried to get my buddy off his one sided workout routine","It’s a shame, he’s only half the man he could’ve been" +"My neighbour knocked on my door at 2. 30am, can you believe that, 2. 30am","Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums" +"I told my doctor that I was scared of random letters. He said, You are. and I screamed","He replied, Oh, I see and I screamed harder" +"The wrong truck. So leaving the resteraunt today, I noticed I had parked next to a nearly identical truck to mine. The only discernable difference being a Christian fish decal on the back of the other truck. As my teen son began to walk toward the stranger's truck, my youngest said Max, that's the wrong truck. To which Max replied Yeah. I thought there was something fishy about it","I have raised them well" +"Where does the president keep his armies","Up his sleevies" +"I told my therapist that I have a recurring dream where I’m fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting, and Tom Ripley. She said, “Finally","You are battling your Damons" +"In Vegas, I saw a sign that said $5 Craps Dad: You pay for the buffet, and then you pay to poop","This town sucks" +"Fiance got me good while doing arts & crafts. One day he'll make a great dad. We're getting married in less than 2 weeks and I was cutting out paper hearts for our flower girl to throw. The hearts are made out of music paper and newspaper (representing the careers we're in). Once we had finished cutting, the fiance picks up a newspaper we had cut some hearts out of and examines it closely. He turns to me and very seriously says, You know, this story has a lot of holes in it. Cue groan and begrudging chuckle","I think I picked a keeper" +"Why did the Kitten go to the Optomitrist","Because he had a cataract" +"Big name actor Dad got my fiance good. Background: watching Star Trek: Into Darkness with my dad and fiance. Girlfriend says Bendict Cumberbatch is a big name that came out of nowhere","Dad replies: yeah that is a lot of letters" +"Where do seamstresses go to exchange ideas. Threadit",":)" +"Any salad can be a caesar salad","If you stab it enough" +"Welcome to Jamaica A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis. Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica. The man was in a bathroom, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis. The American said to him Oh is your girl named Wendy too","The Jamaican replied, No mister that says 'Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day'" +"Why I dont put my cakes in the oven","I find that they are batter if you don't bake them" +"My dad asked me to hand out invitations for my brothers surprise birthday party","That's when I realised he was the favourite twin" +"I went into a store called The British Isles","I'm disappointed it wasn't called the British Aisles" +"Three for one at Denny's Homeless regular at Denny's sits down next to me at the counter. He says, Hey, Judy, I'll have a streak and eggs. Judy, a waitress of sixty-some years inquires, Do you have enough money for it. The man says, I'd *stake* my life on it. Judy gets annoyed and demands to see it, to which the man responds, pulling out a ten dollar bill, Un-*eggs*-pected, I know. She said, No tip again, huh. He shoots back, C'mon","*Meat* me in the middle here" +"So I had a dream last night about eating breakfast","It was pretty *surreal" +"I have a backpack that lets me drink water while I hike. I've been debating returning it, but decided to give it another go. Yesterday I put a new straw in it, and now the straw is completely stuck and the backpack is unusable. I'm definitely returning it now","It was the straw that broke the CamelBak" +"Dog's 'cancer' turned out to be four teddy bears","Thankfully, it was bear-nign." +"Got dad joked by my gf last night after not shutting cabinet doors So I have a bad habit of opening a cabinet door to put dishes away or take some out and forgetting to close the cabinet door I just opened. My gf and I got a cat maybe two months ago and she's getting big enough where she's learning that she can jump up on almost all of our furniture. I got scolded yesterday for forgetting to close a cabinet door as my gf is worried the cat will learn she can jump up on the counter and will go in our cabinets and break stuff. My gf looked at me and said Babe, you've got to remember to shut the cabinet doors. If you don't then the cat will get all up in the cabinets and ruin everything. That'd be a cat-tastrophy","I was so proud, she's definitely the one :)" +"The Norwegian Navy added bar codes to their ships","That way, when they dock, they can just Scan-da-navy-in" +"An escaped prisoner was captured down at the docks","They were harboring a fugitive" +"Someone threw a can of soda at me the other day","Don’t worry, it didn’t hurt too bad, it was a soft drink" +"After rewatching “The Sixth Sense”, I finally figured out the ending","All the names scrolling on the screen were people involved in the movie" +"Got my daughter with this one. Got my daughter good tonight. We went to the pet store to get cat treats. She was looking around and saw a few parakeets. I said, You do know that when you have one it's a 'keet'. If you get two, it's a 'parakeets'. Thank you. Thank you very much. Shows at 8 and 10","Don't forget to tip your waiters and waitresses" +"I finally got around to reading that Stephen hawking book","It’s about time" +"I was gonna be a baker. But","I couldn't raise the dough." +"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer","I’m not sure what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day" +"Someone tried to explain to me how power usage works","I was like, watt" +"What do you call a bee that lives in America","USB" +"I just broke up with my gym today","We just weren’t working out" +"In one version of a poker game players must put away a load of laundry before they start","This variation is called Texas fold 'em" +"Struggling what to buy someone for their birthday","Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it" +"When I was in high school, I was obsessed with the difference between sine and cosine","Now I realize it was just a phase" +"What’s the difference between a clown and an athletic rabbit","One is a bit funny and the other is a fit bunny" +"[from the Emmys] Did you see the reviews for the restaurant on the moon. Good food","No atmosphere" +"What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo","One is really heavy, and one is a little lighter" +"I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…","Must be some kind of milestone…" +"My mum was a 100M runner and my dad was a marathon runner. Sadly, no one approved of their relationship","In the old days no one like mixed race marriages" +"I tried to catch some fog today. But","I mist" +"What's the difference between a great joke and a cute joke","A great joke is awesome, a cute joke is awwesome" +"Girlfriend's Dad dropped this one talking about Superbowl GF: How did the Seahawks win yesterday","GF's Dad: They scored more points" +"What do you call a fly with no wings","A walk" +"Why do most bakers feel pressured to drink","Their lifestyles are very whisk-y" +"Why are constipated people so cool with everything","They don't give a shit" +"Why keyboards don't sleep","Because they have two shifts" +"So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water","It’s called the Weather Chanel" +"Sometimes I touch my knees to my chest and lean forward","That’s just how I roll" +"Handing out the meals from Mcdonalds. I notice that there aren't enough straws for everyone. As I take the last one I announce in a sombre tone: This is the last straw","A collective groan by everyone brought a smile to my face :D" +"I think my waitress is hungry","She keeps asking how my food is." +"what do you make when you tell a dad joke even though you're not a dad","a faux pas" +"My wife always skips a letter when she sings the alphabet","She never says y" +"Why is the letter “B”, like a hot fire. Because it makes oil boil","Found in a newspaper from 1859" +"My girl friend said this today,","As we walked out the front door to run errands, she looks up and says, these birds are so indecisive, every time we come outside their on the fence" +"I dont make jokes about balloons","They tend to get carried away" +"Dadjoked in Diablo I was playing Diablo 3 with a buddy of mine. I picked up a piece of vendor trash called Baroque Grand Flail . I said I thought Baroque was a type of music. - my buddy said Well if it's Baroque you might as well fix it","I could almost hear my Barbarian groan" +"I used to run a Juice Bar, but had to shut it down","I just didn't have enough passion fruit" +"I took a bite out of French bread while my teeth were hurting","It was a bit of a pain" +"So I was watching my boyfriend play video games. He kept shooting and not hitting the other spaceship and was getting angry about it. After about the third time: Me: Well, what are you using. Him: Huh. (still focused intensely on game) Me: Like for artillery, what are you using to shoot. Him: Missiles. Me: Ah, well there's your problem. Took a few minutes, but eventually he realized","It was the most tense moment of our relationship so far" +"Laying on each other's side of the bed with the lady. Me: You're being rather affectionate tonight. What's gotten into you. Her: I don't know","Maybe I'm seeing a different side of you" +"What did the fish say when it ran into a wall","Dam" +"I feel let down by two people in my life","My father, my mother, and my math teacher" +"Jeff Bezos stepped down from CEO of Amazon. It's too bad","He was in his Prime" +"Waitress: Are you done with the glasses. No","I need them to see" +"An owl was delivering three letters. It lost one of its letters","Ow" +"I'd make a joke about trigonometry, but","I keep going off on a tangent" +"Wife and I were preparing leftovers. I told her, 'Let's go into the living room and toss about these leftover rolls. ' She gives me a funny look, takes the bait and asks why. I reply. 'Then we'd be","' 'Roll playing" +"I hung up on my husband's dad joke. My husband and I aren't planning on kids just yet, but he'll be great with the dad jokes if we ever have some. A few weeks back, he called to ask if I needed anything from the store on his way home from work. I said no, and he followed that up with the random observation, Hey, there's horses over there. I was initially confused, because the way he said it made it seem like they were in the road, and asked, . what are they doing. There was a brief pause and he said, Oh. just horsing around in a field. I immediately hung up","Edit: A word" +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon","**Great food, no atmosphere" +"Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common","Because they’ll never meet" +"My name is Joe and I forgot something important. My girlfriend yells, Jesus, Joseph","I reply, You forgot Mary" +"What do you say when you hit a 3 pointer in the desert","GOBI" +"I tried to get 8 baby cows to drink coffee","But only one calf in eight did" +"What do you call a drunk person staggering along a street on their way home trying not to step on the cracks in the pavement","Stuporstitious" +"A cop busts into a strip club to arrest a guy and yells","Freeze, you're under abreast" +"Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder","They say he got a little behind in his work" +"I am my father's son","I asked what my sister was listening to, she says LeAnn Rimes and I says with what" +"Yesterday a clown held a door open for me","I thought it was a nice jester" +"11 year old me got my sister pretty good So, me, my sister (who is a considerable amount of years older than me), and my mother were all hanging out at my grandma's house. My sister, who is fond of nature photography, says, Don't you guys hate it when you're outside and a piece of grass cuts you. And I look at her and say they don't call it a blade of grass for nothing","I was so proud" +"What do you call an accident in a medical prodecure to remove tissue as a sample","A bioopsy" +"Made my coworkers groan today. She was complaining that a Russian magazine was submitting reviews on films that aren't even out yet","To which I responded well they must be Russian things over there Two laughed others groaned and told me to get out" +"My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear. She asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear","” In my best bear voice, I replied, “No thanks, I’m stuffed" +"My doctor was struggling to write my prescription when I said “Doctor, that’s a rectal thermometer in your hand. ” He replied, “Dammit","Some asshole’s got my pen" +"What do you call an Egyptian masseuse","A cairopractor" +"Got my friend when we were planning our debate. Me: What are your plans for the debate. Him: I'm gonna go up and rock the house","Me: Alright i'll rock the senate" +"I hate negative numbers in math","I’ll stop at nothing to avoid them" +"Fast food. What do you get when a chicken lays it's eggs on the top of a hill","Egg rolls" +"What is red and invisible","No tomatoes" +"So I am at the music store today. I place two packs of strings on the counter and the man serving me says: Third set of bass strings I've sold today","A string cleaning of sorts" +"What's a researcher's favourite airline. Question Air. >. Because questionnaire. It's awful, I know","<" +"Doctor: You need to stop masturbating, sir Me: Why","&#x200B; Doctor: Because I'm trying to examine you" +"Why should you avoid dating chicks with only one leg","They're unstable" +"I got banned from. Hawaii for having a loud laugh","All they accept is a low ha" +"What do you call a crowd of chess players bragging about their wins in a hotel lobby","Chess Nuts Boasting in an Open Foyre" +"Dug a hole the other day in front of my house And called it love","Now I get to watch people fall in love all day" +"After my wife died, I couldn’t see any other women for 25 years","But now that I’m released from prison, I know now, it was worth it" +"You ever try to eat a clock","Well, it’s very time consuming" +"I can tell a lot about my wife’s mood just by looking at her hands","For example: If she is holding a gun, she’s probably angry" +"God said “Bee”","And there wasp." +"My dad just made this one during the olympics We were watching the parade of the countries. Dad: What comes after Guam","Me: Guatemala I think Dad: No, Two" +"Lactose milk comes from what cows","Cows that lack toes" +"I hate getting french bread stuck in my throat","It's a pain in the neck" +"What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore","A reptile dysfunction" +"At the winery. My wife and I are at the winery with my parents and the guy pouring samples is just flirting with all of the women, including my mom and wife, and telling dirty jokes, which is no big deal, but I don't really appreciate him calling wine panty dropper when he pours it for my mom. That kind of weird stuff, y'know. Then he tells a story that he has an identical twin brother, and when they were infants, people would always ask his mother how she tells the two of them apart","I can tell them apart by their balls, And we're all like, Jesus, enough with the gross out humor already, but he finishes the joke; One of the babies bawls all day, the other bawls all night," +"What do you call an Iranian dinosaur","A Tehrannosaurous rex" +"Here's one in russian","один" +"5 year old daughter Dad joked Dad. My daughter and I were walking through the mall yesterday and asked if we could buy one of those Frozen decorative finger nail sets. I told her, No, we are only window shopping today. She with the most smug look I have ever seen replies back with We don't need a new window","She got that nail kit" +"I've just been told. I'm colourblind","I know, the diagnosis was out of the purple." +"If a girl is preventing you from reaching your goal","Then she's a keeper" +"EVERY HAT RACK IN THE HOUSE FELL ON ME","SORRY, I'M STUCK IN CAPS" +"What do you call it when a chicken is too old to lay eggs","Henopause" +"What did the Canadian say when he was elected president of the US","I'm president of the US, eh" +"Why did the balloon prices rise. Inflation","Also serious economic issues in the United States which will hopefully be addressed soon" +"How many ears does Spock have. Three","The left ear, the right ear and the final front ear" +"TV reception is getting better. I was dyeing my hair and came downstairs with aluminum foil all over my head;. My stepdad (watching. TV), says as. I approach him: The","TV reception is getting better" +"I was playing Battlefield 1 a while ago. I was playing Battlefield 1 a while ago. I sneezed as I did a quick scope kill","Talk about a sick shot" +"Not a joke: does anyone have any Dad jokes that I can use on my 5-year-old. I see maybe one joke per week on here that she would understand. Do we need a r/youngerdadjokes","Punchline" +"I'd like to share my new years resolution with this sub","1440x900" +"What's brown and rhymes with snoop. Dr","Dre" +"My voicemail Says leave your name and number","Every time my dad calls, he leaves a voicemail saying Dad, Number 1" +"I was telling my Chinese friend that our buddy Ty is now the local boxing champion, but he doesn’t believe it","The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won" +"My son has always wanted a boat, so I got him one for his birthday","I wasn't going to buy it at first, but then I saw that it was on sail" +"A dad was washing his car with his son","The son asked why they couldn't just use a sponge." +"Daughter : “Dad, can you put my shoes on","” Dad : “No, I don’t think they’ll fit me" +"Why is Peter Pan always flying","Because he Neverlands" +"Why does a chicken coupe have two doors","Because otherwise it would be a chicken sedan" +"A classic I got to use last night wife: do you want any of this cheese i just shredded for your taco. me: oh, no thanks. wife: why not. me: just don't want any","not trying to be *ungrateful* got a moan and an eye roll" +"Dad Joke Generator http://www. dadjokegenerator","com" +"[Long] The king and queen of Fruitlandia had a son named Melon. One day, Melon met a girl named Cantaloupe. She was very sweet to him. They fell in love quickly, but his father didn’t approve because she was a peasant. You see, the king wanted Melon to marry the princess of Veggieland, Broccoli. The king banned Melon and Cantaloupe from seeing each other ever again. However, the young lovers were determined to see each other. Every Sunday, Cantaloupe snuck into Melon’s room. They would stay up till midnight with each other. This went on for many years. Meanwhile, the king was arranging Melon’s marriage with Broccoli. He was prepared to pay every expense to make the wedding excellent for PR. However, the night before Melon was to be married, the king found out about his meeting with Cantaloupe. He made Melon swear a Royal Oath—an unbreakable promise—to marry Broccoli the next day and never see Cantaloupe again after that. That night, when Cantaloupe visited, Melon admitted what had happened. She begged him to run off with her and get married, but he refused. “I love you, but I swore a Royal Oath","I’m sorry, dear, but I Cantaloupe" +"It's only natural that us adults stare at our phones all the time","because as babies, we were taught to stare at the mobiles above our cribs" +"What’s the WWII veteran’s name","Norman D" +"Not everyone looks good with a wig. But","I think you could really pull it off." +"My 11 year old son got my wife My wife bought a frozen pizza that was purported to be the best frozen pizza, and supposedly you couldn't tell that it was frozen. She baked it in the oven, got it out, and asked So, does this look like a frozen pizza","My eleven year old son replied not any more I'm so proud of him" +"Man, I love my furniture","Me and my recliner go way back" +"What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common","They both have meringue on them" +"Why did the cowboy get a Weiner dog","Someone told him to get along little doggie" +"I think my. Dad thinks. I’m really bright","Cause he always calls me his son" +"I once went to an orgy in the forrest","It was fucking in tents" +"I recently learned how to be a meteorologist","It was a breeze" +"I heard. Trump has declined the president's salary. Apparently it's","Trump change to him" +"At the dentist today. Dentist: esuma10, now that's a name you don't hear everyday . Me: actually","I do" +"Had a dad joke at work the other day, wanted to share. Where I work, we have a honeybee hive and sell the honey in our market. A pair of beekeepers were in the other day to extract some combs and before they left, they asked us (my Hispanic coworkers and myself) if we wanted to see them. Both of my coworkers exclaimed, Si, si. and I promptly chimed in, No, they aren't c's - they're bees","Audibly groans were had, I am ready for fatherhood" +"I was stunned when my stoner friend threw his joint at me for no apparent reason","I might be suffering from Blunt Force Trauma" +"I've been getting old so I started taking ballet lessons","It keeps me on my toes" +"An accident it was. Doing this on mobile, so we'll see how it goes. My son playing with a toy lightsaber: Son: dad I can't get the saber to open up. Me: have you tried using more force. Wife: (glaring at me) really","More force" +"I asked my wife to name all the reindeer. She named the normal 8 plus Rudolf and was confused when I said she missed one. I finally told her about Olive, the other Reindeer","The one that used to laugh and call him (Rudolf) names" +"Dadjoked My Family When I Was Four When I was little, my family and I (from Texas) went to Toronto for a visit. My mother told me we were going to go to the Eaton Centre","After about an hour there, I got frustrated and yelled If this is the eatin' centre, when are we gonna eat" +"A French Cat and an English Cat cross a river. Do you remember how to count to 10 in french. Ok Good. So there are two cats, an English cat and a French cat and they are trying to make it across a river. The english cat is named one,two,three and the french cat is named Un, duex, trois . Which cat makes it across the river.","The English cat because the un duex trois quatre cinq" +"So the football stadium at my university is located across the railroad tracks from a very old cemetery. My family comes up to visit and see the campus and as we drive down the road between the stadium and the cemetery I mentioned to them how hard it is to get tickets this year. Pointing in the direction of the cemetery, my dad proceeds to say oh I bet they're just *dying* to get in","Groans all around" +"My local pet store had a bird contest","No perches necessary" +"My dad gave me a book of dad jokes. After my first child was born, my dad gave to me a book of dad jokes he collected through the years. I looked at my dad in gratitude and thanked him saying, I am honored","My dad said in return, hello honored I am Dad" +"I spent $300 on a limo and it didn't even come with a driver","I spent all my money and I've got nothing to chauffeur it" +"I closed Reddit, locked my phone, and stood up","I said to myself, “I’m done with this shit" +"Told my dad a dad joke during a stressful time. My dad has been very stressed about finances during some remodeling and roof repairs on our house. All around depressed sort of mood. Someone started talking about dinner and I told him the classic. I was gonna become a vegetarian but realized that would be a big missedsteak. He laughs out loud for 10 minutes and changed his mood for the day","Thanks /r/dadjokes" +"Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house","Of course, a house can't jump" +"Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them. It makes it easier to","scan da navy in" +"I’m reading a book about anti-gravity","It’s impossible to put down" +"You matter, son. Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared","Then you energy, son" +"Why are there always two EMTs in an ambulance","Because they're a pair-of-medics" +"How much did the pirate sell his corn for","A buck an ear" +"A classic A string walks into a bar, asks the bartender for a drink. Bartender says, sorry sir we dont serve strings around here. Dissapointed, the string leaves and comes back to the same bar the next day tied up, with his hair a little messed up and again asks for a drink Bartender says, Hey arent you the string who walked in here yesterday","String replies, Frayed Knot" +"I was struck by lightning on my way home and suddenly realized the meaning of life","It was an enLIGHTNING experience" +"I looked up from my computer and asked my son, Have you heard of the blind cyclops brothers. Puzzled, he replied, Uh, no. I responded","Neither have eye" +"How long does it take to make butter","An e-churn-ity" +"I'm terrified of elevators. So","I'm taking steps to avoid them" +"Sex is a lot like maths","You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray you don't multiply" +"A brand new morgue opened up in my town. It's really popular","People are dieing to get in" +"What do you do when someone rolls their eyes at you","You roll them back" +"I told my son that I didn't want him home before 12","I imagine those were his hardest years" +"Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat into the water","Because if they fell forward, they would still be in the boat" +"In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick","Two Byrds, one Stone" +"My 3 year old dad joked me We were watching Cars 2. In this movie, there is a scene where one of the characters, 'Mater' (a happy go lucky 'southern' towtruck) eats a bunch of wasabi thinking it's pistachio icecream","My 3 year old turns to me and says hehe, he ate spice-cream then burst out laughing" +"Sleepy Saturday morning dad jokes are great My son woke me up early Saturday to show me a picture he’d drawn of a cross. Me (half asleep): Awesome job. Looks great. Son: Thanks. It’s not just a cross, you know. Me: Is it also down","His confusion and delayed groan was music to my ears as I fell back to sleep" +"After pointing out some geese flying in a V to my nephew. Me: Do you know why one side of the V is longer than the other. Him: No, why","Me: Because there's more geese on that side" +"What's Irish and stays out in the yard all night","Paddy O'Furniture" +"Dad joked one of my students the other day. Student: Sir,. I don't know how to spell 'violently'","Me: Well calm down then!" +"There was a guy who REALLY hated the elevator","He took many steps to avoid it" +"What did the frat guy say when the other frat guy offered him a pamphlet","Brochure" +"I heard the pastries in. Italy were good. But","I cannoli imagine." +"Why do birds fly south for the winter","It's to far to walk" +"What sound does a turkey make while it's fixing shoes","Cobble Cobble" +"Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's table","Sir Cumference" +"Dad got me while listening to the radio. Dad and I were listening to the radio and a commercial for Windows comes on that says: call now for a free quote. To which my dad replies, ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country .   Then he started laughing out loud","It took me a minute but finally realized what in the world he was talking about" +"Pete and Re-Pete are on a boat. Pete falls off. Who’s left in the boat. Pete and Re-Pete are on a boat. Pete falls off","Who’s left in the boat" +"Top ten reasons you shouldn't use your computer in the tub","Number 1 will shock you!" +"What did the peanut say when he sneezed","Cashew" +"Son: Dad, according to the manual, it’s not a good idea to have the volume of your phone turned up to the maximum","Dad: That’s sound advice" +"What did one toilet say to the other toilet","You look a little flushed" +"A man walks into a zoo. There is only one animal in there, and it is a dog","It was a shitzu" +"I've been thinking of purchasing a new watch","It's a time consuming process" +"What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday","Aye matey" +"My dad's a mathematician My brother's wife is having a baby. When asked Are they having a boy or a girl","my dad responded I hope so, if not, they'll make the news" +"I had a job at a tennis goods factory","I got fired for making a racquet" +"Crossing the street with my padre We get to the crosswalk and the signal says Wait","My dad says 215 pounds and walks across" +"What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other","Eileen" +"Came up with this my self Man not computer: you seem down, you’re so slow today","Computer: I’m not down, I’m just processing a lot right now" +"Did you hear about the ship carrying red and blue paint that crashed onto an island","The sailors were marooned" +"I like chemistry jokes. But","I’m always afraid that they won’t get a reaction" +"Dad punned my dad about sandwiches. Me:Hey dad. Dad:Yeah. Me:You know salami is made with pork, right. Dad:I suppose. Me:So what do Jews put on sandwiches. Dad:Idk, kosher salami","Me:Shalomi" +"Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement.","in the end, you ignore it all and click I agree" +"This coffee tastes like dirt","Well it was fresh ground this morning" +"I gave my son a calculator named “Thought”","It’s the thought that counts" +"My dad taught me how to say bra in. German","Stopzemfromfloppin" +"My wife and I started fighting each other whilst wearing boxing gloves and 'Eye of the Tiger' playing in the background","We are going through a Rocky patch" +"My friend, who was a clown on stilts just died","I always looked up to him" +"I like fans. But","I wouldn’t call myself a fanatic" +"People who sleep with 3 or more pillows are psychopaths","But im comfortable with it" +"Went to the bank with my dad today to cash in a check. Sir, is your daughter a minor","Not any more, she hasn't worked in the mines for quite a while" +"Driving past a cemetery on a hill. My dad turns to me and says People are just dying to get a piece of that property up there","-_-" +"I judge people based on their reading level","That makes me a literacist" +"I came out with this on the street and she nearly pushed me under a bus. We walked past a well-known tailor, they make fancy men's clothes and school uniforms to measure. She remarked on how she thought it must be an awful job. I saw my moment and it was glorious","So I turned to her with barely contained glee and I said, yeah, I'm sure it's tough but I bet it suits some people" +"*Me every time we pass a cow pasture* “Did you know those are award winning cows","” They’re out standing in their field" +"Hey man can you give me that piece of paper","Yeah brochure" +"What flavour of icecream was popular in ancient Egypt","Ra's berry" +"I have 2 coins in my hand with a total value of 6 cents, and one of the coins isn't a nickel","The other one is" +"What do you call a baby being born on the stairs","A step-child" +"What do u call a cow with no legs","What do u call a cow with no legs ground beef" +"Wanna hear a cat joke","Just kitten" +"Guys i just found out my Coffee Machine is a Gamer. She has Steam","Credits for my Girlfriend for this Joke" +"We were talking about Algebra last night. We were talking about the use of algebra since leaving school. Me: But why do we need to know algebra. Him: Because 'Why' equals something. With the biggest grin on his face","Hur hur hur" +"Ahh, the Delorean","Takes me back in time" +"I hate crowds, and just walked into a room full of married people","Thankfully, there wasn’t a single person in there" +"Why do people with foot fetishes never win","Because they like the taste of defeat" +"How does an Englishman treat his sunburns","Aloe, guvnah" +"People always ask why I wear my pants so high up","I was always taught to practice good high jean" +"What did the digested food say to the person","Are you shitting me" +"What's the difference between ADD and ADHD","ADHD is just ADD in better quality" +"I tried climbing the Eiffel Tower","but half way to the top Eiffel down" +"What are Stephen Hawking's favorite fruit","Cherries" +"Dad hands my brother his unopened mail saying there's a check in the top one. Sure enough, he opens it and a check comes out. > Bro: How did he know","> Me: I bet he checked" +"I’ve waited five days and tried three times to post,. Two men walk into a bar","Third one ducks" +"What did the super hero with a lisp say after working out","I'm Thor" +"How do you wake up lady gaga","P-p-p-p-p-poker face" +"What do you call a Batman that skips church","Christian Bale" +"What do you get if you cross a snake and a pie","A pie-thon" +"Why did the bicycle stop","It was too tired" +"My friend is from a Slavic country but I can't remember which one","I'll have to Czech" +"How do you call a 3. 14 meter long snake","A π-thon" +"A Mallard went on Tinder","He sent a bunch of duck pics" +"I got a hammer lodged in my esophagus and doctors can't remove it. They say it's the worst case of a","Thor throat they've ever seen." +"Just made this one up **Q. ** What did one non-alcoholic beer say to the other. **A","** How come we never get drunk" +"Does anyone want to buy a Barometer","No pressure" +"Dad got us all on vacation My family was staying in a vacation home last week. We noticed a pair of binoculars resting on the windowsill. We were all disappointed to discover they were fake and had just been placed there for decoration. **Mom:** Darn. Now I wish we had a pair with us. Too bad there's not a place called Rent-Noculars where you can rent them","**Dad:** Unfortunately, dear, you always have to *buy-noculars* Everyone groaned except my dad and I who both shared a good laugh" +"A bunch of my plastic dishes got tossed around by the dishwasher","I had a bowl movement" +"How does a woman scare a gynecologist","By learning ventriloquism" +"What comes the day after Canadian Thanksgiving","Canadian Yourewelcomegiving" +"Why do some people kneel when they pray","It’s because they’re trying to save their soles" +"I bought my kid an elephant for his room","Before he could thank me, I told him not to mention it" +"It was a dark and foggy night A man is walking home alone one foggy evening, when behind him he faintly hears: thump. thump. thump. &#x200B; Senses tingling, he begins walking faster only to look back and make out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him. THUMP. THUMP. THUMP. &#x200B; Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTER FASTER THUMP. THUMP. THUMP. &#x200B; He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, slams it shut and locks it behind him. However, the casket crashes through the door, and with the lid of the casket clacking on his heels, the terrified man runs. Clappity-**THUMP**. Clappity-**THUMP**. Clappity-**THUMP**. &#x200B; Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud ***CRASH. *** the casket breaks down the door. Thumping and clapping towards him, the man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup. Desperate, he throws it at the casket and","&#x200B; The coffin stops" +"Got my buddy that just came back from the gym I have a co-worker that goes to the gym after work most days. He also happens to be a little dramatic, which helped here. Me: Hey, man. How was the gym. Him: Revolutionary. Me: Ah, so today was bike day. Momentary pause followed by those sweet, sweet groans from him and one other co-worker within earshot","Great way to end the day" +"Do you know what happened to the man who coloured his hair","He dyed" +"Me and my receding hairline","We go way back" +"Well read dad joke Me: I've been kind of bored at work lately. Dad: Read a good book. Me: Well I do have The Brothers Karamazov sitting on my shelf","Dad: What, you don't have any chairs" +"I saw my nephew after a long time, and said “Wow. You must have grown a foot since I saw you last. ” He said, “No","I still have two" +"What do you call a turtle missing one leg","Turtle leanie" +"Are pools safe for diving","It deep ends" +"Thousands of crows were driving south for the winter","Traffic was murder" +"A man says to a werewolf, You're a werewolf","The werewolf says, I'm awere" +"Where do Sheep go to get haircuts","The Baa Baa Shop" +"My friends all claim that I’m the cheapest person they ever met","I’m not buying it" +"Been saving this for a rainy day http://i. imgur. com/TPry3Uc","jpg" +"My girlfriend announced the latest news in the school district where she works. GF: Oh, it looks like they're having another bond election","Me: It sure will be a shame to see Daniel Craig go" +"I wanted to buy the new Apple Pro Display but I only have $4999","I can’t stand it" +"Got into a fight at the pub. It was against my balance","After 12 rounds the decision was unanimous" +"Why aren't there any Independence Day knock knock jokes. Cuz freedom rings","Happy Fourth of July guys" +"Why are orphans bad at baseball","Because they don't know where home is" +"What's different about a hippo and a zippo","One is very large and the other is a little lighter" +"Two men walk into a bar. The first guy said, I'll have some H2O","The second said, I'll have some H2O too The second man died" +"What do you call a train made out of chewing gum","A chew chew train" +"How did one hotdog win the race against the other hotdog. He **mustard** enough energy to **ketchup** to his opponent","He really **relished** his victory" +"I'm planning a gift around making a dad joke Friday is my boyfriend's birthday. My dad suggested a board game as a gift, and I decided that would be the present when I thought of this","I will be getting him the game Life simply because at some point during the night when we're playing it, I'll be able to slip in I'm glad you're sharing your life with me" +"Are you not feline well","You better not be kitten, I'm calling the purrramedics" +"When you're out in the deep,. And something bites your feet, that's a","Moray." +"Son: Dad, how are you at math. Dad: I am a fast learner. Son: What is 11 times 11. Dad: 65 Son: No, it's 121","Dad: It's 121" +"If a clown farts","Does it smell funny" +"I booked a good table for me and the wife tonight","I hope she knows how to play snooker" +"My dad had a burning question about grammar and I didn't know the answer so I came here to ask it. His question was, Is 'buttcheeks' one word","Or should I spread them apart" +"Say what you want about deaf people","They'll never listen to you" +"My daughter peed all over her baby owl onesie","Now she's covered in moist owlettes" +"Did you know grey hairs are hereditary","You get it from your kids" +"Hey dad, you got a new hair cut, do you like it","Well, it's growing on me" +"My mom bought my dad a new step stool","He told her it can try all it wants but it'll never be his real stool." +"How do you make an egg roll","You push it" +"What does James Bond do before he goes to sleep","He goes undercover" +"How did a scarecrow win an award","Because he was outstanding in his field" +"I will always fondly remember the last words my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket","How far do you think I can kick this bucket" +"My uncle kicked the bucket last week","His foot has been hurting ever since" +"Why did the boy throw the butter out the window","He wanted to see a butter-fly" +"I went for a haircut today","At first I wasn't keen on my new hairstyle but I think it's starting to grow on me" +"Did you hear about the magic tractor","It turned into a field" +"Why do Walruses go to Tupperware parties","Because they love a tight seal" +"“Dad, where is Macau","” Dad: Um, in MaFarm" +"An ape joined a monastery but couldn't get in","He was missing his monk-keys" +"I just put my grandma on speed-dial","I call that Instagram" +"I fell in love with a rope","Eventually we tied the knot" +"My dad told me not to listen to loud music","He said it was sound advice" +"I dont like jokes about food","I find they are very hard to digest" +"There is a guy stealing. Iphones around town","He is probably going to face time" +"My wife was against me adopting a kitten","She didn't like my pet project." +"My daughter just Dad Joked me I drove by a Conoco station and she said, Mom, you just passed gas","Followed by hysterical laughter from the backseat" +"What did the volcano say to the other volcano","I lava you" +"I decided to self-identify as deodorant Before you ask","Yes, Yes I am sure" +"My very supportive dad told me this one today when I was complaining about Sochi. Did you hear about the Olympic rings in the opening ceremony","One of them was afraid to come out" +"I was just attacked by a man with a rack of spices","It was a salt and peppery" +"Two punctuation marks walk into a bar","Accommodate" +"I'm being haunted by the ghost of a French pastry chef","He's really giving me the crepes" +"I bet my butcher he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said he wasn't going to bet with me","He told me the steaks were too high" +"I think I need to get my baby new diapers","They say they are rated for 14-18 lbs but they keep splitting open when they are only 4-5 lbs full" +"Why did the half blind man fall in the well","Because he couldn't see that well" +"Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens","They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach”" +"Why are boxers really good at planning parties","They always have the best punch" +"I must have dreamed. I was a muffler last night. Because","I woke up exhausted." +"How does Father Christmas tend to his garden","With a hoe hoe hoe" +"The lady at the French bakery asked me if I’d like my bread in a carrying receptacle","I told her to baguette" +"Near the end of my wife's pregnancy she suddenly began yelling out can't. , won't. , shan't. , mustn't. , and suddenly it dawned on me","I think she's having contractions" +"How do you get a hipster to eat a hot dog","Put it in a man bun" +"What do you call a 200 year old buffalo","A bison-tennial" +"What do you call an old explosive expert","A BOOMer" +"I can't remember how to write the Roman Numerals 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500","IM LIVID" +"[NSFW] This one is a bit tasteless. So be warned","Water" +"I was dining at a. Spanish restaurant and was about to try a rice dish when it started making noises at me. That’s the last time","I’m eating onomatopaella." +"Where does Paul Atreides go for donuts. Dunkin","I Dunno" +"Pickup line fail So my friends were testing out pickup lines and one said: On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tonight","And my other friend instantly replied North Korea" +"What has the most pent-up emotions","Electricity, it always needs an outlet" +"How do you make holy water","You boil the hell out of it" +"Bigamist…. What an","Italian calls very thick fog" +"The coinstar machine at work was broken today. I went up to the repair man and said Fixing the machine","I guess its time for a change" +"What is the opposite of Microsoft Office","Macrohard onfire" +"I just dadjoked my dad Dad: You know how you can buy chicken necks at the store to feed to dogs. Me: yes. Dad: Well now you can buy turkey necks","Me: I bet the dogs gobble gobbled them up" +"Holmes, what do they call primary school in America","Elementary, my dear Watson" +"What do you call a bee that comes from America","USB" +"Something my dad told me when. I first started driving. Dad:. Take a left up ahead. Me:. Alright. Dad:","No, all left" +"Protected sex So my mom and I were talking about protected sex for some reason. Then my dad jumps in and say Protected sex. You mean you hire two securety guards to watch over while you do it","My mother and I are still cringing" +"I am the proud owner of a family-run barber shop For centuries, we've used our shop as a means of teaching the youngest of our lineage the importance of teamwork, the value of a dollar and, most importantly, the self-satisfaction felt in a job well-done. In the past few weeks, it's been repeatedly brought to my attention that our youngest child, Sheeran, has been demonstrating particularly helpful and productive tendencies so, today, I felt it was finally time to experience the honor of rewarding his efforts, offering him the opportunity to join our workforce; to which he was nothing short of ecstatic. I'll be honest, I initially withheld concerns that his excitement would subside once I explained the sorts of menial work I'd have to start him off on but, to my relief, he took no issue in hearing that his duties would mostly revolve around wiping our patrons' hair off of the chairs, and sweeping it up from the floor. Sharing a moment of beautiful silence, exchanging our most heartfelt of smiles and basking in this pivotal moment of his development, I placed my hand on his shoulder and said, Son","you are really going to have your work cut out for you" +"My son asked me if I've ever been shoplifting","I'm not that strong but I appreciated the compliment" +"Star Wars Trailer http://dadjokecomics. com/comic/018","aspx" +"I was afraid to garden. Until","I grew a pear" +"Two coats hung next to eachother at a Burlington coat factory. One said to the other, Can you beleive I'm 100% polyester","The other said, I could be suede" +"What do you call someone who likes anime and eats one type of cereal","An oataku" +"My dad has a gas powered blender with motorbike-style handle bars. I was at a Yankees vs Royals baseball game. I text my dad to tell him, They have a promo for tailgating on the jumbotron. They had your blender. He replies back, One like mine","I just looked, mine is in the garage" +"Dad-joked a voiceless friend http://imgur","com/251kXsg" +"What was. Socrates' favorite letter?","Y" +"So I guess there's this phenomenon where people can't tell the difference between good coffee and water infused with burnt plastic","It's called the Dunning-Keurig effect" +"My wife just got me with this one I'm combing my beard in the other room and my wife calls out Hey, Jesuswig, could you get me a duck doo. What the heck is a duck doo","QUACK" +"I just found out my girlfriend is a communist","I should've seen the red flags sooner." +"Got dad joked at work today. An older dad came into my line and I asked him how he was doing. He says I- then gets the biggest smile on his face","He picks up his yam and waves it back and forth and says I YAM doing alright" +"So this guy says to me. I'm gonna hit you with the neck of my guitar","And I said, Is that a fret" +"I don't trust irish eBay","I got on there and bought what I *thought* was a diamond, but it turned out to be a sham rock" +"My local weather man, ladies and gentlemen http://i. imgur. com/wj3wczz","jpg" +"What sound does a 747 make when it bounces","Boeing-boeing-boeing" +"My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital. I went to see him the next day. He just kept whispering “yang qi guan” over and over and then died. I was very sad and Googled his last message after the burial","Apparently, it means “You’re standing on my oxygen tube”" +"Why do Swedish Navy ships have barcodes on the side of their hulls","So when they return to port they can Scandinavian" +"Did you see those carpenters at the party last night","They *really* knew how to raise the roof" +"What is a witch's favorite subject in school","Spelling" +"Two of the waitresses I work with are sisters. One day I overheard them arguing about something. I shouted, Hey","Don't make me turn this restaurant around" +"My girlfriend and I were looking at a new apartment today. It seemed nice, but I was disappointed by the lack of furniture in the dining room. What do you think. She asked","I replied, Notable" +"What do you call a dog that does magic","A labracadabrador" +"Did you hear about the midget chef who left his job at the casino","He said the steaks were too high" +"When you are born you have 4 kidneys","However when you become older you have 2 kidneys and 2 adult nees" +"Is that vegetable oil","No I melted some butter Thanks for clarifying" +"Did a presentation on beginners carpentry skills today","Nailed it" +"What do clown cars run off of","Laughing gas" +"I have to make a confession. I have a fear of speed bumps, but","I'm slowly getting over it." +"My mom and I were talking about my jeans She was talking about how she had never seen me wear them before. Me: What are you talking I've been wearing them for months","Dad pipes in: What and you still haven't washed them" +"What do you call a belt with a watch on it","A waist of time" +"I recently picked up an anti-gravity book","It’s impossible to put down" +"A candle with no smell","It doesn't make scents" +"My brother is in town, and has forgotten the skills of our Dad. Brother: Hey, can I take a shower","Dad: As long as you put it back when you're done with it" +"My wife accused me of being immature","I told her to get out of my fort" +"What do you call it when someone lies about being in sinus rhythm","A fib" +"[gun goes off] [gun goes off] [every runner falls over and pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race] ANNOUNCER: Annnd the annual Dad 5k is underway. ^^^^^^[source](https://i. imgur. com/mPkRBxu","png)" +"My boss just stared at me while his brain melted On a road trip back home from a job, we pulled into the gas station with another truck from the BNSF railroad. We parked next to each other, and since he got there first,we had to wait for him to get out of the truck. I ask my boss, So, do you know how long he's been working on the railroad. He was very confused and didn't know what the hell I was talking about so in a high pitched falsetto I sang, All the live long day","Pretty quiet ride after that" +"I pee in the shower http://i. imgur. com/tqIGE3y","jpg" +"I started my own pickle company","It's kinda a big dill." +"Had this exchange at a restaurant as the waiter brought the check. Waiter: would you like me to get you anything else. Me: maybe a wheelbarrow to carry me out. I'm stuffed. Waiter: Haha. We are all out of wheelbarrows, but I can call you a taxi. Me: I've been called worse","Kids: *groan*" +"My dad just got me before leaving for the store I've always had to bug him to get him to say I love you back. Here's how it went: Me: I love you dad. Him: I know you do. Me: you have to say it. Him: I love you dad","Me: Ugh" +"Why is everyone thirsty at the north pole","No well" +"Had some friends over and they were telling me they are in the market for a new telescope","I told them “ be carful telescope salesmen can see you coming a mile away" +"I hear that the Arctic Monkeys recently sold a Carpet to the current Real Madrid manager","I bet that it looks good on Zidane's floor" +"An apple a day keeps the doctor away","If a doctors kid eats an apple everyday, would he ever see his dad" +"What do you call a three foot psychic that escaped prison","A small medium at large" +"I didn't realize MegaMan was a father (x-post from /r/gaming) http://i. imgur. com/5zHPJyV","png" +"Two radio antennas fell in love and got married","The wedding wasn’t much but the reception was incredible!" +"Son's reaction to my first dadjoke [pic](http://imgur","com/hxNzjC8)" +"Why do fish hate going to court","Because they're always found gill-ty" +"Did you hear about the cow who couldn't give any milk","She was an udder disappointment" +"What do you call an Arab with big muscles","Protein sheik" +"I pulled off a gutsy dad joke this morning. My wife woke up late. So she asked me to help her with her morning routine, things like making her a lunch and stuff like that. When she was ready for work, she said, Thanks, Husband. Sorry you had to pick up the slack. I got a little behind. I teasingly said, Is it under the rest of it. ^^Oh ^^man, ^^I ^^hope ^^she ^^finds ^^this ^^funny","Thankfully, she got a good laugh out of it" +"How does bad sushi taste","Fishy" +"Gas station clerk got me today. Me: Can I put 10 bucks on 2. Clerk: Stapler or Duct tape Me:huh","Clerk: I personally think the stapler helps keep the bills on the machine better" +"Want to go see Disney. Asked my 3 year old niece if she wanted to go to the mall and see Disney","We to the mall, wore shorts, showed her dis knee" +"Instructor got me in class on heart attacks and stroke Do you know what athletes have the most strokes. Second is golfers. First is swimmers","Breast stroke, back stroke, side stroke" +"What do cannibals call clowns Happy meals","Jk they don’t eat clowns because they taste funny" +"Why are paediatricians always so angry","Because they have little patients" +"I didn't know my dad had become an IT recruiter. http://m. imgur","com/9yPE54J" +"Carrots are gross","said nobunny ever" +"I didn’t want to include a repetitive hook in the song I’m writing. In the end I compromised by rewording it over and over","I guess I just couldn’t refrain" +"Canadian Dad joke -How does Louis Riel address his French-Native troops","-Ahoy Métis" +"A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants. The bartender says sir, are you aware you have a steering wheel down your pants","The pirate says Aye, it be drivin me nuts" +"My friend, dying: Call me an ambulance","Me, leaning down: You're an ambulance" +"Dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is","No sun" +"Why can't melons get married","Because they cantaloupe" +"The news just commented on the outbreak of measles and those who don't get vaccinated","Those people make me sick" +"My son pointed at a tree and said “Wow, look at that bush”","I corrected him and said “That’s not a bush, it’s a treason”" +"What's the first thing a monster eats after he gets teeth cleaned","The dentist" +"I asked my mom about the best moment of her life","She said that giving birth to me really brought out the child in her" +"Yesterday at the mall it took me twenty minutes to go down one floor","I'm bad at de-escalating things" +"All these glue jokes are getting old and repetitive","Can’t we just stick to the classics" +"Sting has been kidnapped","The Police don't have a lead" +"Why did the coffee file a police report","It got mugged" +"I tried to catch fog yesterday","But I mist" +"What do you call a cow that just gave birth","Decaffeinated" +"Made my dad crack up today While we were working together, I passed some gas. This conversation immediately followed: Dad: Did you say something. Me: No, but there is an asshole behind me talking shit. Apparently he had never heard this joke, and he couldn't stop laughing for a good minute. It's usually pretty hard to get him to laugh. But we both love lame jokes and it really surprised me he has never heard it. I know it's probably not a dad joke per se, but Dad/Grandfather to my child was involved so it should still count","TLDR: farted and said there's an asshole behind me talking shit" +"Doctor: “Sir,. I have some bad news,. I’m afraid your. DNA is backwards”","Me: and?" +"I didn’t go to Ikea today","It was sofa away" +"Everyone says I excel at my job fertilizing fields","I don't know what they're talking about, all I do is spreadsheet" +"The first Dad Joke I heard came from my dad. It was my 20th birthday and I was working the grill. I came into the kitchen and my dad was having a beer with his brother. I was gathering some hamburger patties and said, Dad, do me a favor a toast the buns for me","He smiled, stood up and raised his beer and called out TO THE BUNS" +"Dad got me today. My dad stayed home from work today, and I asked him if he stayed home for a specific reason, as I needed some help with my car. He said, Yeah, I've got a problem with my eyes. I said, 'Oh, shit, really. ', Yeah, I couldn't see myself going into work today.","God damnit lol" +"I invested in a bank that gave 0% interest","It made no cents" +"Why do bears not wear shoes","Because they have bare feet (courtesy of my 5 year old)" +"Thank you student loans, I couldn't of gotten through college without you","I don't think I could ever repay you" +"When I went to the Dead Sea my wife came up behind me and pushed me in. Everyone who saw it thought it was hilarious","I was so salty" +"How do you make worms help you with fishing","Well, you have to lure them" +"You know what the difference between time and a student is","Time passes" +"What do you call a small ice dam","An ice dang" +"Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert. Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says. Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk. Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon . Every imaginable kind of cured pork. Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree. Luis, maybe ees a meerage. We ees in the desert don't forget. Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon. ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree. And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, Pepe. Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree. Luis, Luis MI amigo. What ees it. Pepe. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees Ees Ees Ees Ees a ham bush","&#x200B; \[repost\]" +"What do you call a holy red bag","SacRed" +"Hipsters love Raiders of the Lost Ark","probably because it was the first Indie film" +"Got wife last night before dinner Wife: What do you want for dinner tonight. Me: Maybe a stew or something since we got a new crockpot for Christmas. Wife: I don't really like stew","Me: Stew bad" +"My six-year-old dad-joked me today. Baby girl, have you seen my pocket knife. No","Have you looked in your pocket" +"While shopping in Sam's club yesterday someone dropped a bottle of wine on the floor and it broke. My boyfriend looked at me and said someone's pop'n bottles n da club","He will be a great dad one day" +"Not When I was in grade school, we had a field day and I was told to bring some pylons to a teacher I didn't know. I went up to a male teacher and asked him if he was Mr. Knott and he responded with, I am Knott","I was confused by the response for far too long" +"(Na)^16","Batman!" +"I’ve been trying to sell my vacuum recently","All it’s been doing is collecting dust" +"We were very hungry at an upscale restaurant waiting to be served when this interaction happened. Mom:. I'm sure bread will be by quickly. Dad:. Our server's name is","Jeff, not bread" +"I told my dad that. I was going to. Seattle. He asked who","Attle was." +"Steak puns","a rare medium done well" +"When is a dog not a dog","When it's pure bread" +"What is the formula for making friends","Squadratic formula" +"Me: What’s the name of that hunchback of Notre dame again. Son: Quasimodo","Me: That rings a bell" +"My son wasn't feeling well this morning When my son got up this morning he said he wasn't feeling well and might not be able to go to school (he's in 1st grade). When I got to work I texted my wife and asked how he was doing. Wife: He's fine. He just had to poop. Me: So what you're saying is","he was full of shit" +"My favorite dad joke that I use on waitresses. Waitress - Walks up to table, You guys all finished. Me - Yes Waitress - You wanna box for the leftovers","Me - No, but I'll wrestle you for them" +"What’s blue and smells like red paint","Blue paint" +"What do you call Batman when he skips, Church","Christian Bale" +"Mom asked her son where the heck had he hidden the nutella jar","Son said I'm nutelling you" +"It is true that I am a psychic lumberjack","I saw it with my own eyes" +"What do you call a Prince Albert in the US","Dick Chainy" +"My friends keep asking me why I buy so many knives, scissors, and axes. I can't help it","I love cutting edge technology" +"Why don’t ants get sick","Because that have anty-bodies" +"What did the driver say to the one-legged hitchhiker","Hop in" +"Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary. Yup","It runs in your jeans" +"What did Barack Obama say when he dropped his shell at the beach","Oh no Michelle" +"I told my wife that I was going on a hunger strike","I am going to make sure there is always food available" +"Sometimes the best dad jokes are simple This afternoon. My wife: Our vacuum cleaner sucks","Me: Prefect" +"Classic, applicable anywhere. Her: I want to go to Las Vegas too","Me: Is it better than Las Vegas one" +"Why did the scarecrow win an award","Because he was outstanding in his field" +"I ran out of bread for my grilled-cheese today. This is unacceptable","I'm Lack Toast Intolerant" +"So my husband was talking to my pregnant belly","And he tells our unborn daughter to get a job and clean her womb." +"The day I realized that I tell dad jokes (an introduction). It was sometime last year that my girlfriend at the time and I were walking on a local public trail with her German Shepherd. She had always been very adamant about my jokes having a dadness to them but I always brushed it off until this day. As we're walking, a lady and her two kids go to pass us going the other way on a narrow part of the trail and I say: Don't worry, she's friendly. (*smirk level at maximum*). oh and the dog is too. My girlfriend facepalms and the lady chuckles and says, It's like we brought your father with us, huh kids. Girlfriend enthusiastically says, See. Not funny dad jokes. From that day on I acknowledged my dad jokes as what they are but to this day I refuse to believe they aren't funny","And I guess that's my introductory post to this subreddit" +"Need an ark","I Noah guy" +"Remember when plastic surgery was taboo","Now if you mention Botox, no one even raises an eyebrow" +"“Dad, are we pyromaniacs","” Dad says “Yes, we are arson”" +"Why don't ant ever get sick","Because they have good anty bodies" +"My dad just texted me a pun with a really long setup for a groan inducing payoff. A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeeper says you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic. , to which the horse says I don't think I am. , and vanishes from existence. See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefore I am , but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse","(If you don't get it, Descartes is pronounced day-cart)" +"Kid: Your jokes are not funny","Dad: Then why do I laugh at all of them" +"I really hated my new haircut","But it grew on me." +"A bug flew into my mouth Oh heck what's the name of it","it's on the tip of my tongue" +"Why did the scarecrow win an award","He was outstanding in that field" +"What did the left butt cheek say to the right butt cheek","If we stick together we can stop this shit" +"My step-dad came up with this so hope it counts. What do you call a gay farmer","A jolly rancher" +"Yes","Is time travel possible" +"A tomato family is walking down the road. The baby tomato falls behind","Daddy tomato goes back, smacks him on the head and says, “KETCHUP" +"This happened about 15 years ago but it still makes me laugh, thanks Dad. When I was about 5/6 I was filling out one of those FunFax books ([Image for reference](http://s3-ec. buzzfed. com/static/enhanced/webdr02/2013/3/11/6/enhanced-buzz-13385-1362997142-6. jpg)). I started filling out the page about me and I got to the section on allergies. Unaware that I had any, I asked my dad Do I have any allergies","My Dad replied Yeah, soap Obviously at the age of 5/6 I didn't realise he was joking, we found the book a few years later to find I actually wrote Soap down" +"Do you guys remember when this was posted in /r/dadjokes [It was hilarious](https://www. reddit","com/r/dadjokes/comments/43u875/this/)" +"Where was the first batch of french fries cooked","In Greece" +"My dad broke his wrist So my dad broke his wrist the other day. He asked the doctor, if he could play the piano after the healing process. The doctor said: Yeah, sure. My dad: Great, couldn't do that before. Translated from German","Hope you still enjoy it ;)" +"Got my mum with a dad joke. Her: This sweater doesn't compliment me does it. Me: Well you should hear what it says behind your back","There sadly was no groan, just a blank stare" +"What did the nut say when chasing the other nut","I’m a cashew" +"What do you call a mathematician that fakes injuries","Fibbin' Ouchie" +"I did the oculus rift demo where an alien appeared uncomfotably close to me","You could say he was a space invader" +"I was recently told that I have short term memory loss","Oh and by the way, did I mention that I also have short term memory loss" +"What's a palindrome","No it isn't" +"This is bang out of order. A. G. N","B" +"So my friend was complaining about some stuff and then later in the conversation he comments that he likes radishes","My response: Well, I guess we found the root of all of your problems" +"The Prime Minister of Japan is meeting with the US President today and Trump told him that if he would spend the night, he'd rename the guest room after him","The Shinzo Abe Lincoln Bedroom" +"So I was helping my sister with some programming homework over the phone. and my girlfriend was listening in on the call. When I was done on the phone my girlfriend turns to me and says I didn't understand any of that","I look at her and say, It's okay, we were speaking in code" +"So my dad told me he was going to Lowe's. What are you getting there. I asked. An Irish guy, he replied. What. Patio furniture. . what. An Irish guy","Patty O' Furniture" +"My first real dad joke. So my wife, 4 month old son, and I are walking through a mall. Knowing that I am a huge star wars fan, my wife points out a Darth Vader toaster in one of the stores and asks if I would like that for fathers day","I told her no, because it would cook my toast a little on the dark side" +"Why was the guitar teacher fired","Because he fingered a minor" +"What does Orion's belt go around. A waist of space",":)" +"What do you call really mellow kids","Chill-dren" +"My wife came back from the store today wearing a shirt with stalks of corn on it. I asked her if she got a good deal on her new crop top, and she heard me from across the street","Her ears are brand new" +"Happened a few mornings ago when pulling out the drive way. I noticed a bird on top of our trash can tweeting away","i told my wife that he was talking trash" +"How does a dolphin do cocaine","With its blow hole" +"I've started working as a waiter","The pay isn't much, but at least I can put food on the table" +"As. I handed my","Dad his 50th birthday card he looked up at me and said “You know, posting this joke once would have been enough”" +"Dad joked about O. They are performing after a sporting event my extended family is going to. In his invitation email, my dad wrote this gem: O. R performs after the game (Their most famous hit","Row, Row, Row Your Boat)" +"When. I usually get naked in the bathroom,","The shower gets turned on" +"I met a farmer who exclusively feeds his cows marijuana. The steaks have never been higher. I'm sorry. I don't often do steak puns. It's a medium rarely done well","😏" +"Calculus professor asked why he should curve the grades to our test. I said, It's a calc class, I guess you could say **curves** are **integral** to our class. Groans filled the room","I laughed hysterically" +"I called work this morning and whispered, Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough. He exclaimed, You have a wee cough. I said, Really","Thanks boss, see you next week" +"Did you know that Haiti removed a letter from the alphabet","Yeah, I guess they really HATE E" +"A pirate walks into a bar and the barman says do you realise that you have a steering wheel down your pants . The","Pirate replies aaarrr it's driving me nuts" +"Just found a great dog school","They teach grades K-9" +"This post is pointless [I don’t see the point in these](https://i. imgur. com/LRmslpr","jpg)" +"Watching the NOVA on mathematics The show had a section about pi. My wife said something about it didn't make sense","I responded, It is not supposed to be rational" +"Dad is full of hot air I was having dinner with a friend's family. Her grandmother starts telling us about her secret to cooking digestible beans. She says the secret is to boil them with a little baking soda to release excess gas. Her dad is listening and perks up when she says this. you know her real secret right. She only cooks 239 beans at a time We all look at him puzzled, grandma included. Well if she cooked one more they would be too farty","(240)" +"A skeleton walks into a bar","And asks for a beer and a mop" +"What does it mean when the doctor tells you that you have bladder infection","Urine trouble" +"I know that this isn't a very good cow joke","but I'm going to milk it for all it's worth" +"Dad joked at work I am a window cleaner and I was cleaning the sliding glass doors at a hospital yesterday. As I'm cleaning this older man is leaving out the doors I'm cleaning and he says Son, I can see right through your work","He just looks at me and starts laughing and walks out" +"Did you see the cashier. She was *checking* me out","I'll^just^see^myselfout" +"Diarrhea is genetic","It runs in your jeans" +"What kind of cheese is always telling Richard what to do","Ricotta" +"I wasn’t allowed to bring my board game on to the plane as a carry on luggage","They said the Risk was too big" +"What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married","Feyoncé" +"A tennis player is walking off the court and a guys asks him “What’s that in your pocket. ” The player replies “tennis balls”","The guy says “Well if it’s anything like tennis elbow, it must be painful" +"I’ll tell you what gets me down","Stairs" +"Texan came to visit my farm in Southern Illinois and asked me how many acres I had. I said about 500 . Texan said: I can get in my truck and drive all day and never get off my property","I said: yeah, I had a truck like that" +"Why isn't lettuce good at racing","Because everyone always gets a head of it" +"What can you say about a racist cow, with no toes","Well, I would say he lacks toes and tolerance" +"I know this girl that fixes air conditioners","she's not that hot" +"The World Health Organization I was having a conversation with a friend about exercise and it goes a little something like this. Friend: Did you know that the World Health Organization recommends at least 180 minutes of moderate to vigorous exercise. Me: *with a grin on my face* Who. Friend: The World Health Organization. Me: *again with same expression* Who. Friend: *getting annoyed* THE WORLD HEAL","*shoots me the dirtiest look*" +"Trying to book a hotel room I called a hotel to make a reservation. Women: Hi thank you for calling (hotel) Me: Hi I'd like to reserve a room please Women: Certainly, are you calling from a business or corporate group","Me: No, I'm calling from my cellphone" +"Got my Fiance with an Easter joke. What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards","A receding hareline" +"Why don't I like coffee","It's not my cup of tea" +"How do you kill a vegetarian vampire. Steak to the heart","/r/jokes didn't think it was funny but my son did" +"What’s Forrest Gump’s password","1forrest1" +"Dad: I can’t believe you got me a house for my birthday. Son: I hope you enjoy it. Dad: From now on,","I’ll start living in the present" +"Are you having a good Friday","Better than Jesus had" +"I’m thinking of opening a. Pho restaurant that never closes. Gonna call it. Twenty. Pho","Seven" +"I'm kinda proud of this one","╭──╮ ╰╮ │ │ │ │ │ ╭─╯ ╰─╮ └─────┘" +"How many amoebas does it takes to change a lightbulb. One. No, two. No, four","No, eight … AHH" +"I was once addicted to the hokey pokey. But","I turned myself around." +"What does food surf on","Micro-waves" +"Cartoonist found dead at home","The details are sketchy" +"I threw a boomerang at a ghost the other day","I knew it would come back to haunt me" +"Which letter of the alphabet is the smelliest?","U" +"For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office","I can’t tell you how much this award means to me" +"Why did the tomato turn red","It saw the salad dressing" +"Noone in. Antarctica has covid-19","Because they're ice-o-lated" +"Grandpa dad My grandma recently bought my grandpa pants and asked him how they felt. He said like a cheaply made castle to which we responded what","And then he goes no ballroom" +"My son wanted to go for a costly trip So I reminded him about all things he could have achieved in life if he hadn't left college","A guilt trip is still a trip right" +"I saw a lion with yellow flowers in his mane","He was a dandelion" +"Recently joined the dad ranks and made a name for myself","Distant uncle: It has been a long time, you must have grown a foot since I saw you last Me: No, I still only have two" +"It must suck to be a banker","I'm sure it gets really loanly." +"Used a dad joke on my dad He was sharpening a pencil with his pocket knife but kept cutting the end off","Dad if you keep this up its just going to be pointless" +"What's the difference between Vanilla Ice and Eminem","Talent" +"Why do chicken coops only have two doors","Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans" +"To whomever egged my car last night:","That thing doesn't even start, so the yolks on you." +"What do you call a replacement fart","A substi-toot" +"Where do sore throats go to party","The strep club" +"New Years is like Christmas for dadjokes Wife gets up this morning, and asks me if I'm hungry, I respond with: Hungry. I'm starving","I haven't eaten all year" +"What does a Russian bride get on her wedding day that's long and hard","A new last name" +"I used to hate facial hair","But then it grew on me" +"What do you call Mr. Bean on a boat","Rowing Atkinson" +"There is something special about. African names","It just clicks when you hear it" +"I'm going to name my son Violence","If he's smart, I can tell my friends that Violence solves problems" +"Fred wants to get married Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, Why aren't you married. Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife. Fred replied, Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. His friend thinks for a moment and says, I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother. A few months later they meet again and his friend says, Did you find the perfect girl. Did your mother like her. With a frown on his face, Fred answers, Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much. The friend said, Then what's the problem","Fred replied, My father doesn't like her" +"My dad always says this. I was born at a very young age","" +"What snake is 3. 14 feet long","A πthon" +"What is the S gear. So I was driving my car, an automatic, and I noticed that there's a position on the gearshift labeled S . I'm not a huge car person and had never really payed attention to it before, so I asked my dad what the S gear does. Dad: Well, the S stands for snail. The cars of drivers who use the snail gear really well in races are called S-cars. When people on the sidelines see these drivers race, they say look at that S-Car-go","" +"Why do batteries feel lonely","Because they are never included in anything" +"What do you call a fake noodle","An Impasta" +"Why did the scarecrow win an award","For being outstanding in his field" +"Nailed a customer today A customer at the major retail corporation I work at picked up our ad while I was cashing him out. Tried to pull one on me. they call it a doorbuster sale and there's not a single door in this ad. That's because we busted them all, sir Completely straight faced. He walked away laughing his ass off","On an unrelated note I think my girlfriend may be pregnant" +"Why do Dalmatians make such poor criminals","Because they’re always spotted" +"Why is it never boring to play Capture the Flag with a classical composer","Because they're always Haydn good" +"A dadjoke set for the kindergarten crowd If you ever end up having to entertain kids around kindergarten age (5 or 6 years old) here are some jokes you can use. Write the letter **Y** on a board or piece of paper. Ask, * Can you tell me what this letter is. * and they'll say Y , to which you respond, * Because I want to know how smart you are. * After a bit of back and forth you can look exasperated that they don't get it (when of course it is *you* who don't get it), then say, * Okay here's an easy one, can you tell me what this word is. * Write down the word **NO** and of course the kids will say NO and you can say, * You don't know what this word is. * or * You know what it is but you won't tell me. * Kids usually think it's hilarious that an adult can be this dense","For kids who can spell words, you can use ones like duck and then when they say it you can duck as if something is coming at you" +"Here's one in Spanish","Uno" +"How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is","Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now" +"Why did the octopus get impeached","Squid Pro Quo" +"I guess I'm officially a dad now. 3 Y. : Daddy, what's a debate. Me: Well, de bate is what you use to catch de fish","My wife hit me, but I laughed" +"There was a train operator who had a really bad temper. There was a train operator who had a really bad temper. Nobody liked him. He would always bark at people and be aggressive towards them. One day an 18 year old girl tried to get on his train near its departure time, but being the man he was, he started moving the train, she fell under it and died. The man was immediately hauled off to court where he was sentenced to desth by electric chair. So they strapped him in and pressed the switch, but nothing happend. Baffled, they let him go. The operator thought long and hard about his actions and decided to improve his life. So when an old woman tried to get on his train near the departure time and seeing her, he waited for her to get on. Unfortunately she tripped, fell, and died. He was hauled off to court again and due to his past reputation, he was sentenced to death by electric chair again. This time when they pulled the switch he was shocked and he died. Why did it work this time, but not the first time","The first time he was a bad conductor, but the second time he was a good conductor" +"My wife says I only have two faults I don't listen","And something else" +"What do you call someone who hates using fax machines","Anti-Faxer" +"A man came up to me and said Man, your clothes look gay","I said I know, they came out of the closet this morning" +"What do you call an alligator that always starts trouble","An instigator" +"My uncle laid this one down on my cousin while I was over for dinner We were talking about ironic costumes to wear while skydiving. I wanted to dress up as a penguin since they are flightless and my cousin decided he wanted to be a toucan. Cousin: I'm pretty sure toucan's can't fly. --googles it-- Oh, apparently they can","Uncle: Well there's a reason they don't call it a toucan't" +"I joined the figure skating team to pick up girls","literally" +"I met a nun that wiped her nose on her clothes","She had a nasty habit" +"I really wanted to go to the amputee convention","but it costs an arm and a leg to get in" +"I don't like taking pictures of myself","I guess you can say I have low selfie-esteem" +"Every time the cashier asks my dad if he wants the milk in a grocery bag","He says, no, just keep it in the carton, thanks He always gets strange looks and that awkward chuckle from everyone around him afterwards" +"Never insult a donut","some of them have fillings" +"I gave marijuana to a cow","The steaks were high, but it was worth it" +"Guess the letters after D and Y","I bet it’ll be EZ" +"Dad joked my coworker today I was about to leave to buy lunch and joined my coworker who was waiting by the elevators on our floor. Me: Hey dundolo coworker, you heading out for lunch. Her: YES, I've been waiting to get a salad for two hours","Me: The elevator's taken that long" +"A monkey at the zoo set poop on fire and start throwing it","A few people suffered from turd debris burns" +"Today, a ring of babysitters was indicted for stealing valuables from the hidden recesses of the houses they worked in","They caught the crooks and nannies that were emptying our nooks and crannies" +"Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine","Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback" +"My kids have one of those pillows covered in sequins. You've probably seen these. One whole side of the pillow has sequins, which are reversible, and reveal a different color or pattern when you flip the sequins. My daughter was playing with hers, and making pictures by flipping the sequins in patterns. I asked her if she could make a picture showing what she did today. She spent about 15 minutes painstakingly flipping sequins to show her going to school, and dance class. She was all done, and proudly showed me her work. I said Well, look at that","its a sequins of events" +"Trust your calculator","It's something to count on" +"What give an engine the ability to hear","An engineer" +"I've been told I could be a talented trumpet player but","I'm not one to toot my own horn" +"Smbc Comic http://smbc-comics. com/index. php","id=3473" +"What is commonly prescribed for blindness","Vitamin C" +"I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don't worry, I'm not hurt","It was a soft drink" +"What’s the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer. The taste","Kindly stolen from my friend who is an ER doc" +"It's overcast but nice","It's a grade-a grey day" +"Dad, my head hurts. Dad: Well, does your face hurt. Cuz it's killing me. every. fucking","time" +"An Xbox One and a PS4 get attacked. Here comes the ambulance. WiiU. WiiU. WiiU. WiiU","WiiU" +"To the disabled man who stole my camo jacket:","You can hide, but you can't run." +"Five years old and ready to be a dad I was walking my son to kindergarten today and he saw an anthill. He asked what it was like inside, so I told him that it's a bunch of tunnels, like a big ant city. Without missing a beat, he said so, like. Ant Francisco","and gave me a cheesy smile" +"For the longest time. I was addicted to the. Hokey. Pokey. But then","I turned myself around, isn't that what it's all about?" +"Had an idea for a chicken husbandry book","It's called hatch me if you can" +"Best way to annoy Lady Gaga","Poke her face" +"Hey, I’ve got to admit something to you guys. I used to be addicted to soap","But I’m clean now" +"Holy Water Dad: How do you make Holy water. Me: Idk. How","Dad: You boil the hell out of it" +"You know what's intense","Campers" +"I had a dream that. I was weightless","I was like 0mg." +"My 3yr-old scratched up his head pretty badly in a fall the other day. Once he had finished crying he dad-joked What's my favorite plant","A face-plant" +"I got my hair cut today. I didn't think the Barber did a fantastic job at the time","But it is starting to grow on me" +"I want to the perfect pair of shoes","But it'll take some sole searching" +"What’s Jesus’ favorite dessert","God’s Flan" +"My Dad was not aware that Dad Jokes were a thing. Mom's Text to Dad - My phone says it will be 95 on Saturday. I don't know what to do.","Dad's Reply - Wish it a Happy Birthday" +"I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area","Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app" +"If not believing in myself was an Olympic sport","I'd probably get bronze" +"So my band teacher is having twins girls. He's naming them. Claire and","Annette" +"Knock Knock. Who’s there. Old Lady. Old lady who. I didn’t know you yodelled","(Say out loud for full dad joke intensity)" +"After Cain committed the first murder","His whole family was dis-Abled" +"When I die I want it to be in my sleep, just like my grandfather","Not screaming in terror like the other 3 people in the car" +"I tried taking a vow of silence","It’s easier said than done" +"What's ET short for","He's only got little legs" +"Cheese Jokes are the Best Jokes. I was at lunch with some friends today, and one left her cheese saying it was her least favourite. Another friend said that she didn't believe that a least favourite cheese was a thing - so I replied with: It's true - not all cheeses are created equal","I mean look at edam, that's made backwards" +"What do you call a bear with no teeth","A gummy bear" +"When I applied to Cambridge, they kept asking what noise an owl makes","It's *who*, you know" +"Dad joked my girlfriend on Christmas My girlfriend was back home visiting her family during Christmas and our conversation goes as followed: GF: I just shot a bow and arrow. Me: What'd you shoot it at. GF: A target","Me: It's a good thing they are closed today so nobody got hurt" +"Men with tattoos used to make people nervous","Now they make them lattes" +"A boy says to his mother, Mom, why is it everyone in our family dies so young. Mother.","Mother" +"My dad likes to sit in his front yard chasing kids off his property","Like some Lawn Enforcement Officer" +"Feed you, said my toddler, wanting me to put breakfast on the fork Feed me, corrected my wife, Pronouns are hard, she added. If they were easy, they'd be called amateur nouns, I said","Got the morning off to a great start" +"Why did no one enjoy the cell phone's wedding","The reception was terrible" +"What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea","I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face before" +"My bank is no longer offering its new savings account","There was no interest" +"What does a private investigator call a short investigation","A briefcase" +"How do you turn a joke into a dad joke","You make the punchline apparent" +"What does Pavlov call his hair care product","Classical conditioning" +"Descartes walks into a bar The bartender says, would you like a drink, sir. Descartes replies “I think not”","and disappears" +"My dad told me that when. I turned 18. I suddenly became a huge nuisance. Before that","I was only a minor pain" +"In memory of my dad: Try to make a sentence out of; deduct, defeat, defense, and detail","De-feet of de-duck went over de-fence before de-tail" +"I have discovered the optimal ratio of cabbage to mayo","And I shall name it **Cole's law**" +"My wife is teaching herself to play the piano. https://imgur","com/gallery/IGgEK" +"Did you hear about the man who slipped on a banana and sued","He won the trial but got overturned on a peel" +"My wife says. I need to eat more fish","I might have a deficiency." +"My nephew is already making dad jokes at 10 What do you call a hispanic guy with a rubber toe","Roberto" +"I know a lot of jokes about retired people","But none of them work" +"What is Thanos's favorite video game","Half Life" +"I don't get how. Russians didn't see the demise of the. Soviet. Union coming","There were red flags all over the place" +"And the award for the best neckwear goes to","Well, would you look at that, it's a tie" +"I got to meet the tallest man in the world last week","I was disappointed by how he looked down on everyone else" +"Do you know what was the slogan of the USSR's equivalent of McDonalds","I'm stalin' it" +"I'm not ready to be a dad quite yet. 4 friends and I were having dinner today","A Christian, Jew, Muslim, Buddhist and Hindu all literally walked into a bar today **and I couldn't think of a single goddamn punchline" +"What should you use with Batman shampoo","Conditioner Gordon" +"What did the waiter say when a man blamed him for losing his magazine","Sorry sir we are not responsible for lost any articles" +"Did you know alligators can grow up to about 12 feet","But most only have four" +"Got my wife while buying groceries in Maui. I have been holding onto this one for quite some time and got to use it today, while on vacation. When selecting eggs, which were about $9. 80, I said Wow, would you say these are. EGGspensive. She responded with a big eye roll","I was super happy" +"Communism jokes arnt funny","Unless everyone gets them" +"Wife said she was wearing black today because she was in mourning. Me: What are you wearing in the afternoon","Wife: :::blinks twice and walks away:::" +"Most puns make me feel numb","Mathematics jokes make me feel number" +"I've been to visit my grandmother's grave three times this week and each time someone has mysteriously covered it in gravy granules","The plot thickens" +"A photon walks into a hotel. The desk clerk says, Welcome to our hotel. Can we help you with your luggage. The photon says, * No thanks","I'm traveling light" +"Someone once told me that change does not come from a place of comfort","I find pennies and nickels in my couch all the time so I don’t know what they were talking about" +"What time will dinner be ready. Around a quarter past. My grandfather gives that answer every single time you ask him what time something will be, no matter what the subject. It's hilarious and infuriating in equal measure. When do you plan on going on holiday this year","Around a quarter past" +"I was walking through a shop and I saw a sign that said: Fireworks","I thought, Yes it does, especially if you want to burn stuff" +"Why did the scarecrow win an award","He was outstanding in the field" +"What was the last thing the crossed. Goliath’s mind before he died","David’s stone" +"I was teaching my daughter manners and telling her why it's impolite to fart next to people when. I realized","I was giving her a toot-orial" +"How to shitpost","Step 1:" +"Bicycles can't stand on their own","They're two tired" +"Oh, so you get offended by Slav jokes","Crimea river" +"Went to the shoe store with my dad. He tried on some velcro shoes. He asked if they looked like old man shoes","I said If the shoe fits" +"Dad got us good with this one. My brother and sister constantly prattle on about the legitimacy of golf and dance as sports and were going at it again this morning. What's the point of having a golf team at the school. It's not a real sport. At least there is a golf team. I don't see any dance teams here. There's a chess team. Are you saying that chess is a sport. It's not a chess team, it's a chess club. The school doesn't have any golf clubs. ' Suddenly Dad chimes in","Then what do they use to hit the balls" +"What did one snowman say to the other snowman","Something smells like carrots" +"People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad","But people who rob bakeries really take the cake." +"What do you call a dog without hind legs and steel testicles","Sparky" +"What did the man with no hands get for Christmas. No idea","He hasn’t opened his present yet" +"I was addicted to the hokey-pokey. Then i turned myself around","My dad gave me this gem today" +"I mixed toothpaste with sharpie","Now it's perma-mint" +"Even as I grew from a kid to an adult","My kidneys are still not adultneys" +"A Mexican dadjoke My dad and I are sitting around watch Mexican soccer when all of a sudden he asks, That *Ivan* is a defenseman, isn't he. Who's Ivan. , I ask. Well, the announcers keep saying *Ivan atrás, Ivan atrás. * he answers","For my non-Spanish speakers, that can be translated as both Ivan in the back, Ivan in the back or, as what they're actually saying (*Y van atras*) And they're running back, and they're running back -_-" +"You only hear what you want to hear","Sure I'll have a beer" +"What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination","HAAAAAAAAAND EYEEEEEEEEEE" +"One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said It's going to rain . His wife asked how do you know","Because rudolph the red knows rain, dear" +"How do you take your coffee. Orally. From CGPGrey: http://www. reddit","com/r/CGPGrey/comments/1x3guw/hello_internet_a_10_episode_podcast_experiment/cf7xh6e" +"One time. I went to jail for stepping on a cornflake. My neighbor told the cops that","I'm a cereal killer" +"In America at a party, I met a man from England. Me: Oh, you're English. What's your favorite​ football team. Him: We don't say that in Britain. We say 'who do you support. ' Me: Ah, okay. Who do you support","Him: my wife and kids" +"My friend wanted me to send him a pun, so I emailed him Macbeth. doc as an attachment","It’s a play on Word" +"I entered a dad joke competition and won $1000","It was a grand dad joke" +"So, The girl I am seeing was telling me about her swim meets. She was telling me about how they worked and stuff and then says, Everyone has to wear their meet suits to the competitions. So I respond, I bet there was a lot of beef between you and the other team.","She groaned and said she didn't want to talk to me for the rest of the car ride" +"That fateful day has finally arrived. I'm a dad joker. So, I'm a new-ish dad, and I now consider myself an apprentice in the art of dad jokes. How's this one. I'm helping out my kid with his math. All looks good, except there's a weird loop at the top of one of his '1's. Son: Is that right. Me: What's that thing there, with the loop. Son: That's a 1. Is it right. Me: Right. Even Better. I'd say you got a HOLE IN 1. Son: . daaaad. ugh","At long last, I'm not at the receiving end of these ;)" +"A dentist is working on a judge and promises one thing","to take the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth" +"Do you know why Romans were bad at algebra","Because they always ended up with X equals 10" +"Sad news: my obeese parrot died today","But there's a big weight off my shoulders" +"What do you call someone who gets paid to J-walk","A cross-titute" +"Why did the blind man fall into the well","He fell because he couldn’t see that well" +"Got out-dadjoked at work today Was getting coffee from the coffee machine when the machine said: Fill Beans So I turned to my coworker and said: Who is this Fill Beans","To which he responded: I think he's from the Philippines" +"A","Jewish man walks into a bar mitzvah, where he is welcomed." +"Glad my dad and I still have time to make each other laugh. http://i. imgur. com/8HhzmDz","jpg" +"What do you call a disabled duck","Handiquacked" +"I farted in my wallet. Now","I have gas money" +"Just saw my friend sweep a girl off her feet","He’s a very aggressive janitor" +"Did you hear about the corduroy pillow","I hear it’s making headlines" +"Height Grandma: He's grown, hasn't he","Dad (putting hand on top of my head): No, he still reaches to the bottom of my hand" +"The. Jedi created a new form of data compression for oral communication during combat. It can store up to a","Yoda bite." +"Spammers hard at work. [Here](http://imgur","com/riqD8AJ)" +"Obama is looking into being a dentist after serving as president","The name of his business will be PresiDental" +"I was complaining to my dad about the weight of my laptop He picked it up, Wow, that is heavy. You might want to get rid of a few files","Hah" +"Do you want to hear a really great joke about ghosts","That's the spirit" +"Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to US. The keyboard adds an extra pound","£" +"I tried catching steam once. But","I mist." +"How do elephants keep cool","Ear conditioning" +"Girl looking at old photo of herself Why did I make that face","Dad Actually your mom and I made that face My brother-in-law made that comment to his daughter earlier today" +"I picked my dog up from the groomer, and her tail was missing. I was impressed","I didn't know they were a detail shop" +"What do you call a deer in a twister. http://imgur","com/eeYimlT" +"Dad-joked my Dad today Me: (after just finishing an afternoon nap) I just discovered the best band to nap to Dad: what's that. Me: R","He immediately groaned and rolled his eyes, but then he smiled and I could tell he was proud" +"Golfing Dad: you should bring two pairs of pants with you when you golfing tomorrow Me: why","Dad: in case you get a hole in one" +"What’s the other term for the sex offenders list","The pedo files" +"This is your captain speaking","THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN YELLING" +"A guy asked if I wanted to use his ice rink for $1","I thought what a cheap skate" +"Wife made chocolate chip cookies tonight, so I had to ask: Me: Have you heard the one about the cookie. Wife: Is this another one of your crumby jokes","Should I be worried" +"What do you call birds that forget to fly south for the winter","Brrrrrds" +"Me: Can I tell you something. Her: What is it","Me: It is a pronoun that refers to a thing, but let’s talk about that later" +"Apparently mothers are just as good at dadjokes My dad is on a business trip out of state, so she feels it's her responsibility to fill in regarding jokes. We were talking about my old SATs; Me: I'm sure that if I'd have taken them after brushing up on math, I'd have scored higher. Her: Oh I know you would've. Me: Eh, the SAT is just a number. Her: No it's not. They're letters","S, A, T *giant grin*" +"Actress just killed herself DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my. Who. DAD: Uh, I can't remember. I think her name was Reese something. MOM: WITHERSPOON","DAD: No, it was with a knife" +"They call me The Pharoh in bed","Because I turned my lady into a mummy" +"My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter","I have some breaking news for her" +"What do you call a feral horse","Unstable" +"Where does Tina Turner buy her printer ink. http://i. imgur. com/A5yUnOj","jpg" +"My friend recently started a band called duvet","They only play covers" +"What do dentists call their x-rays","Tooth pics" +"of Suspense. https://old. reddit","com/r/dadjokes/comments/98oik0/my_wife_thinks_im_lazy_but_in_reality_im_a_master/" +"One day I hope to explore all the cool things in Madison County, Iowa","But I’m just not ready to cross those bridges" +"Anytime someone has to say, excuse me, to my father. You're excused. I started using it myself and you get a mix of reactions. Usually a short chuckle","So short I'd probably call it a chuck" +"Why do scuba divers fall off the boat backwards","If they fell off forwards, they’d just land in the boat" +"What prize do you give someone who hasn't made a sound in over a year","A No Bel Prize" +"What is the best way to carve wood","Whittle by whittle" +"My mate told me what his Dad did every time they went to the pub He'd walk back with the crisps stuffed up his jumper then say, Look how much weight I've put on just by going to the bar. Then pull the crisps out and say, Only joking. I wish he'd been my Dad","So proud" +"Who is the most grateful actor in the industry","Hanks" +"What kind of tequila does someone with a foot fetish drink","Hornitos" +"What do you call an old person that can hear pretty well","Deaf defying" +"Why should you never trust an Excel document","Because they spread sheet" +"Why are the Avengers so good with tools","They’re always assembling" +"What’s the most painful kind of cheese","Ouchies" +"What do you call a psychic that does stand up","Comedium" +"I can’t see why everyone likes bananas","I just don’t see the a-peal" +"A piece of string and his buddies go into a bar A piece of string and his buddies go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says we don’t serve strings here, but they sit down anyway. The bartender walks over to the table and says either he can leave, or you all can leave, I don’t care, then the bartender walks away. The string says let me see if I can make this better, and he goes up to talk to the bartender with no success. And goes back to the table. He sits there for a minute thinking. The string then ties himself into a knot, and frays his end and then go back up to the bar to get drinks for the table","The bartender looks at him skeptically, and says” aren’t you that piece of string, and the string replies”no, I’m a frayed knot”" +"Had the unfortunate task of walking the plank today","I really would have preferred a dog" +"When it comes to math, there are three kinds of people","Those who are good at math and those who aren't" +"A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. So I called the cops","He must be a part of some extreme mist group" +"What instrument can you find in the bathroom. A tuba. (Wait for it)",", Toothpaste" +"What do you call an alligator In a vest","An investigator" +"See you shortly Stop calling me shortly. he shouted back","It was the mock anger that took me by surprise" +"Unexpected After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table","I needed a running start, but I made it" +"I had an friend pushy friend who loved Asian food. He always made us eat it when we hung out","I guess you could say he was a Tai Pei personality" +"I saw some gangsters fighting some guys in wheel chairs. It was the Bloods vs","the Crips" +"How many animals can you fit into a pair of panty hose","Ten pigs, two calves, one beaver, and an ass" +"Dad Joked about censorship. Just a few hours ago my family and I were eating lunch. My dad turns on the news and a segment about censorship in the U. was on. He then proceeded to tell us this golden line: Dad: Why is it called censorship, why not censorboat. or censorvessel. I think they should change it. Family:","Mom: Oh honey" +"Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes","Then you're a mile away and you have their shoes!" +"Where do dogs lose the most fur","The shed" +"My girlfriend’s parents are very religious and the first time I was at their house, her dad told me we weren’t allowed to sleep together. It was a bit of a shame","he was very attractive" +"A man walks into a bar","Ouch The man said" +"Why is the Doctor an excellent chef","He's a Thyme Lord" +"If you see just one film this year","it's probably because you're a parent of a small child" +"With Brexit leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up","1 GB" +"I went to blockbuster years ago and asked for a copy of batman forever","The cashier said you have to bring it back in 2 days" +"What do you call it when you accidentally play a stratocaster all weekend","A fender bender" +"I can't abide by not having toast","I'm lack-toast intolerant" +"I’ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants","Feefiphobia" +"Why does my motorcycle keep falling asleep","Because it's two tired" +"Whenever. I go to bed. I imagine. I'm a cop","I go under cover." +"Back in the day, Michael would unlock the door for people. Mike was Karen’s son","Mike was house key" +"What makes a good chef","One that puts in the thyme PROBS NOT ORIGINAL I THINK IT'S FUNNY" +"Why can’t a chicken coop have four doors","Because it would be a chicken sedan" +"If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock","That's humerus" +"I've been accused of plagiarism","Their words, not mine" +"Did you know that French Fries were invented in Belgium","Although they are cooked in Greece" +"What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach","Bear Naked" +"What did Pablo say to his padre when he left to go to New York City","Ciudad" +"My father had a stroke last night. While he was in his bed in the ER with slurred speech and half his face paralyzed, the nurse comes in and asks, So, what brings you here tonight","The ambulance , he says" +"Why did the NBA player get arrested","Dunk driving" +"Dont fart in an Apple store","They don't have windows" +"Ran into an old friend I ran into an old friend who was in a hurry. He said, Hey, let's meet up later and we can catch up. I said, Great. But I would prefer to mustard","Blank stare" +"[NSFW] Why does the Army give out camo patterned condoms","So she'll never see you coming" +"What do you call a guy with a rubber toe","Roberto" +"My father told me in that my older brother used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey","But he turned himself around" +"Why didn't anyone want to go to the local tailor","Because he seamed like an asshole" +"I'm unobservant, and I keep bumping into things, so I made a note of it","B♯" +"My dad just laid this one on me. Me: dad do you even know what an Emo is","Dad: of course I do, it's a bird that can't fly" +"An assistant to a breakfast chef was fired from his job for stealing utensils","When they asked him why he stole he said, it was a whisk I was willing to take" +"Before watching the Hobbit, I always wondered how Smaug got all his gold","I had always assumed he had just won the LOTRry" +"I recently took my wife to wine country","Of course, anyplace i take her is wine country" +"What happened when 20 got hungry","28" +"In February 1989, dogs were banned from the White House until January 1993","They kept peeing on the Bushes and chasing the Quayles" +"What do vultures take on planes","Their carrion" +"I used to have a pet Newt when I was little. I used to have a pet Newt when I was little, his name was Tiny. Do you know why his name was Tiny","Because he was minute" +"I once got into a concert for only $0","It was 50cent featuring Nickelback" +"What did baby corn say to mommy corn","“Where’s popcorn" +"What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat","The wheelchair" +"Why did they arrest the Mexican train conductor","Because he had a loco motive" +"I love my job as a tree surgeon","I think it's absolutely tree-mend-ous" +"I dadjoked myself today. I was alone. I was listening to NPR, and the host was interviewing some astro science major, talking about Steven Hawking's black hole theory. Then the host asks what are gravity waves. During the guests NPR require pause, I said aloud to myself . this is some heavy shit. [My immediate, stupid reaction](http://27. media. tumblr. com/tumblr_lova6htdNu1qim2bjo1_500","png)" +"I have a friend who was frozen down to -270 degrees celcius","He wasn't 0k" +"Why did the hipster burn himself on the coffee","Because he drank it BEFORE it was cool" +"At the doctor's office with my wife and 10 month old son He was getting the 2nd half of his flu shot (that his mother made him get) and he got bored in the waiting room so he started crying. I told him You'd be a horrible doctor, you have no patience","A lot of people groaned :)" +"TIL: Players in the NBA or the NFL are not allowed to have a chicken as a pet","It is considered as a personal fowl" +"As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors yelled, “Push","” I was convinced it was a Pull door" +"What's green, fuzzy, has 4 legs, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you","A pool table" +"My dad came home for work and immediately got Sirius with me. I recently bought a new vehicle, and signed up for the 3 month Sirius radio trial that comes with it. My dad gets home from work and immediately comes upstairs and gives me the letter from Sirius radio to renew membership. As he hands it to me he says: Here's your letter from Sirius in case you decide to get serious about Sirius. Been waiting all day to say that","I just smiled and shook my head" +"I was once a boy trapped in a woman’s body. Then","I was born" +"I forgot to wear deodorant today","My musk-take" +"I would make a joke about boxing, but","I can't think of a good punchline" +"A panini sandwich walks into a bar","The bartender says, Sorry, we don't serve food here" +"Dad, did you get a haircut. No, Son","I got them all cut" +"Dear person who stole my copy of Office, I will find you","You have my Word" +"You're like an onion, said my wife. You have to peel back the layers to get to know me, I replied. She said, No","You're small, round, you make me cry and you stink" +"What do you get when you put a candle in a suit of armor","A knight-light" +"What do you call a lying toilet","Full of shit" +"What did the redneck say when his wife begged him to sell his boat and cut his hair","Let me mullet over" +"I thought I could take on my dad with a joke. He showed me up. Dad: I pulled a leg muscle today and its killing me. Me: If its killing you, call the cops","They'll arrest it for you Dad: I'll be ahhh resting my leg tonight Never have I hung my head in defeat more than today" +"What do you call a midget with epilepsy","Little Seizures" +"And the best neckwear award goes to","Oh wait, it’s a tie" +"What do you call two surgeons that contradict one another","A paradox" +"In college I was so broke I couldn't afford the electricity bill","Those were the darkest days of my life" +"I had a dream where I was planting myself in a garden","It felt so real, I actually soiled myself" +"I suggested to my wife that we make some Indian bread for a group dinner appetizer","It was a total naan starter" +"I have a few jokes on unemployed people","But none of them work." +"They say if you like it then you should put a ring on it","Man, I must really love shower curtains" +"I used to be addicted to dish soap","I’m clean now" +"Was mending a hole in my pants today, but it didn't turn out great","You could say it was sew-sew" +"What was Lara Croft before being born","A Womb Raider" +"My wife found out I was cheating on her, after she found all the letters I was hiding","She got so mad and said she's never playing Scrabble with me again" +"My wife was hanging something up on the wall and used a few too many pushpins. She asked me what I thought","I said it looked tacky" +"My Dad's Second favorite joke in the morning. Dad: Last night I had a dream I ate a 5 pound marshmallow. Everybody: Oh yeahh. Dad: Yeah and when I woke up, my pillow was gone. Dad: http://imgur","com/M3jPjIA" +"So me and my girlfriend are out shopping for clothes. Her: My friend Van would love this shirt. Me: I didn't know vehicles needed attire. She gives me the 'are you serious' look. Me: Oh wait, they need at least four","She proceeds to walk away" +"Driving behind a hearse, my wife asked “How fast do you think a hearse can go. ” Me: I don’t think very fast at all Wife: Why not. Me: Well I mean they have all that dead weight in the back. Literally a conversation we had last night","She actually laughed out loud" +"Why did the person with sensitive hearing not like the imitation crow","Because it sounded like a Caw Caw Phony" +"Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus","And I lost my job as a bus driver" +"Road work ahead","Yeah, well I sure hope it does" +"Did you hear the one about the two girls playing jump rope","Just skip it" +"Dadjoked my friend today Him: hey do you know the band The Story So Far","Me: no, I only read the first few chapters" +"Panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air. Why. asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder. I'm a panda, he says at the door. Look it up. The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation. *Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China","Eats, shoots, & leaves" +"What do you call someone who paints rabbits","A hip-hop artist" +"What do you call camouflaged punctuation","Comma Chameleon" +"Every time you look up at the night sky and try to guess where a Russian space station is","It’s Mir speculation" +"I said to my wife, They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience","Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much" +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon","Great service, but no atmosphere" +"What type of school do carpenters go to","Boarding School" +"My Mom was complaining about her computer. She said, God. And the clock. It's just changing all the time and it's annoying. I said, Everyone's clocks change. Every minute, I hear","She groaned" +"Where does the one legged lady work","*Ihop" +"What do you call a broken can opener","A Can't Opener" +"Au","This post is gold." +"What kind of ears do trains have","Engineers" +"Wanna hear a joke worth a thousand bucks !!?","K" +"I’ve got to take out a loan for an exorcism","If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed" +"I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw a guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing a woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose","No one does that to a woman, not on my watch" +"There are two things that always make me jump","My legs" +"What do you call a knight’s horse that is misbehaving","A knightmare" +"Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor","It was time for his annual eggzam" +"What kind of chips love to wear sandals","Fritos" +"I hate it . when people post lyrics from songs","But, I will survive" +"My FIL was talking about his catch-up 401-K At dinner, my father in law was talking about how he has a catch-up 401K and can contribute extra each year","I told him to be careful and that he should maybe diversify with a mustard 401K as well" +"What is it called when a bunch of carpenters and masons on the cruise","Craftmanship" +"I usually don't tell dad jokes","But when I do, he laughs" +"Why was the cantaloupe sad","Because he can’t elope" +"I went skiing the other day","It was snow much fun!" +"Dad pulled this one on me whilst reading me crossword clues. Dad: 8 across, postman struggling up hill. Me: how many letters","Dad: loads, that's why he's struggling" +"Me: I got a notice in the mail that something is wrong with my vehicle. Friend: Did you get it fixed. Me: No Friend: Why not","Me: I don't recall" +"Why is it hard to wake up in Athens","Dawn is tough on Greece" +"I quit my job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver","I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me" +"Why is F the worst behaved letter","Because it's not E" +"Why do cows have hooves instead of feet","Because they lactose" +"My husband and his terrible dad joke this morning. me: She's getting married in Jamaica. him: Did she want to","Me: confused look him: Or did jamaica" +"When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears","So you can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches" +"Before surgery my anesthesiologists offered to knock me out with gas or a paddle","It was an ether/oar situation" +"Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac","He used to lie awake at night worrying about the existence of dog" +"Wife 1, Dad 0 Me, the dad , if I can still retain that title: I recorded Gravity. Want to watch it","Wife: Nah, let's watch something lighter, that's too heavy" +"Did you hear they're making a Titanic prequel","I hear it's riveting" +"My wife gave me an ultimatum - she said it was either her or my addiction to sweets…","The decision was a piece of cake!" +"Does anyone know who invented the construction crane","That guy should get a raise" +"I was making my kid cheese and crackers. And when. I handed it to her","I said, “Be careful, this cheese is extra sharp.”" +"Why is Sunday stronger than Monday","Because Monday is a weekday" +"Why do they call it the dark ages","Because there’s so many knights" +"What did the taxidriver say, when he lost his Will to do his Job","Please end My Chauffeuring" +"A seal is just a neutral sea lion. Neutral, as in without the ion","Thanks in advance" +"Alcohol makes you smart","It made bud weizer" +"What do you call a. Monkey with a bomb","A baboom" +"I didn't build my bookcase properly and it fell on me","I have nobody to blame but myshelf" +"What key do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft","A flat Minor" +"What do you call an Arab stand-up comedian","Mohahamed" +"Poem. I dig,. You dig,. We dig,. He dig,. She dig,. They dig,","Now it's not a beautiful poem, but it's quite deep." +"What did the farmer say when his cow escaped","How dairy" +"Post concussion So I'm concussed during my high-school rugby game, after which we head to the hospital. Important to mention that I was a member of my school's jazz band, and had a concert coming up. I get checked out by the doc, minor concussion. He's going over the stuff with my dad on what to watch out for (be careful with naps, no contact sports for a while etc. ) and my dad asks if I'd be able to play the trumpet in next week's concert. The doc says he thinks it might not be the best idea. So my dad asks, will he at least be able to play the piano. Doc replies that yes, I'd be able to play the piano. That's great, he wasn't able play it before the concussion. Took a second for the doctor to realize what happened, after which he seemed to sigh with exhaustion and laughed","" +"Queen Cleopatra and the bath of milk The royal court of Egypt hires a new bath servant for Queen Cleopatra. The Queen walks into her royal bath chamber disrobes and climbs into her empty bath. “Please fill my bath with milk” “Pasteurised","” “Just up to my tits will be fine”" +"So I walked by the kitchen earlier, and all the dirty dishes were playing a really nice tune","I guess you could say they were **in sink" +"Sister: Why the hell am I still down here","Me: That's how gravity works" +"Interesting fact: no matter the person, the combined weight of all the bones in anyone’s body is always the same","1 Skele-Ton" +"A man from. Michigan is a. Michigander. A woman from. Michigan is a","Michigoose" +"Plugging wires into a lead block produces an. AC/DC current","Because it's heavy metal" +"We were talking about water shortage, and my wife said, “ Why don’t we dig a hole outside to collect rain water","” I think she means well" +"What’s Irish and stays out all night","Patty O’Furniture" +"How do plumbers get out of fights","They tap out" +"Why did the engine have claustrophobia","There wasn't much vroom to maneuver" +"Have you heard about the one-armed bandit","He has already robbed five banks single\-handedly" +"I was walking around in the house complaining how cold it was","Then my dad opened the bathroom door and yelled “go stand in the corner, it’s always 90 degrees there!”" +"Do you know what a wok is","It's what you throw at a wabbit when you ain't got a wifle" +"Proud of my fiancé for this one I'm constantly dadding my fiancé with ~~bad~~ dad jokes. Recently she's been upping her game. Driving through the city, the song With or Without You comes on the radio. It starts kind of slow, so I ask Is this U2. Fiancé replies No. The song picked up a bit and I quickly realized that it was in fact U2. Me: Yeah it is, see. Fiancé: I don't sing this song","Me: *groan*" +"Beethoven performing for a huge crowd Beethoven: You guys wanna hear some hot symphonies. Crowd: Yeeaahhhhh","Beethoven: I can't hear you" +"I saw the. Dalai. Lama working on a hot dog stand","I asked him to make me one with everything" +"My 3 year old said this. lm so proud. Mum: Wash your hands Child: Ok Mum (starts to sing very loudly) Mum: . in silence. Child: Don’t be silly Mum","we wash our hands in the sink" +"Which computer is the best singer. A","Dell." +"My boss told me to have a good day","So, I went home" +"Why do Vampires hoard stocks","They're terrified of stakeholders" +"Why couldn’t the teddy bear eat anymore","Because he was stuffed" +"Old Statistics Teachers never die. They just get mean. (I know","just an average joke)" +"If bushes had a favorite sport what would it be","Russling" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. He's fine","He woke up" +"looking at bird droppings on the car before washing dad: you know what the white part in the birdshit is. me: uh, no","dad: birdshit" +"What do you call an Algebra teacher that does magic on the side","A math-magician" +"The. Queen knighted. British electrons to spy on ordinary citizens. Truly, the. Brits are living in a modern day. Sir","Valence state." +"How do you make holy water","You boil the hell out of it" +"If you admire a female ghost,","Do you respectre" +"Got a co-worker today, I work in a food department in retail. Hey can I borrow your date gun. Why","Are you feeling lonely" +"Why don't blind people eat fish","Because they can't seafood" +"Got a whole group tonight I was catching up on what I had missed in last week's Bible study. I asked who made tea last week. I got an answer of Kate with perplexed looks. That's terrible. I responded","We're studying Hebrews Groans ensued" +"I cut my finger the other day. I told the doctor I could do the stitches on my own","He said, Suture self" +"How do trees access the internet","They log on" +"I won an arm wrestling contest","They're much easier than humans" +"I once got lost in a corn field","It was an a-maize-ing experience" +"Got my girlfriend with this gem My girlfriend was showing me a picture of her friend Her: I think she is studying abroad in Sweden. Me: There thousand of girls in Sweden","How'd she choose just one" +"So we're currently at dinner. And the waitress asks, soup or salad. so my dad responds, what makes the salad so super. This goes ways over the waitresses head of course and turns into quite an awkward situation","Literally happened seconds ago" +"Being left handed is unnatural","It's not right" +"Where does a pilot go after death","To another *plane* of existence" +"Imagine if you were a. German sausage. That would be the","Wurst" +"Got some great news from my dad yesterday Him: My test results came in. The tumors in my lungs and back haven't spread and have begun shrinking thanks to the treatment. Me: That's wonderful. Him: They're still there but at least they haven't increased by one and become tremors. Me: Hm. I don't ge. oh goddammit. My dad everyone","Even when battling cancer, there's still time to make a joke" +"So how come the scientist avoided the boardwalk","Because of the pier review" +"Chicken strips Dad: I don't know what I want; I'm not very hungry. Server: Maybe the chicken strips for $6","Dad: Maybe it does but that doesn't make me any less hungry" +"What do you call a french guy who persuades people to smoke","Pierre Pressure" +"Dad: I can’t believe you got me a house for my birthday. Son: I hope you enjoy it. What are your plans. Dad: I’m just going to","live in the present" +"Hostess: Do you have a preference of where you sit","Dad: Down" +"My friend crashed my bee themed party","What a buzzkill" +"You know what they say about the melons that aren't able to run off and get married","They cantaloupe" +"Me, my brother, my mom, my dad, sitting around the dinner table. Mom: So when are you two going to get married and move out. Dad: They can't get married, they're brothers","Simple yet oh so effective" +"Who is the patron saint of copying people into emails. St","Francis of a CC" +"My wife asked me to vacuum the floor","I said come on, that is beneath me" +"Where are average people made","The satisfactory" +"How do locomotives know where to go","They go through lots of training" +"Patient: I broke my leg in three places. Doctor: then don’t go to those places [source:](https://www. reddit. com/r/trippinthroughtime/comments/cndgqw/simple/","utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app)" +"Why do hens and roosters hardly ever fly","Because they’re chicken" +"What type of computer is a good singer","A dell" +"Where do facts come from","The factory" +"I lost my credit card in the washing machine","It's laundered money now" +"What kind of cell phone doesn't have a lock","A Nokia" +"What do you call a kangaroo sanctuary","A kazoo" +"She got me with one. (response to a story) Me: I can't believe you left a patient on ice for 40 minutes","Her: It's okay, she was totally chill" +"My wife found out. I was cheating after she discovered the letters. I was hiding from her. She’s never gonna play","Scrabble with me again!" +"Have you ever tried German food","If not you should, it's the schnitzel" +"My Dad wanted a blizzard from Dairy Queen. Me: Why don't you try the Midnight Truffle. Dad: Nobody knows the truffles I've seen","Me: ugh" +"I hate. Harry. Potter...","J.K." +"What does a frog do when his car get broken down","He gets it toad away" +"Dadjoked Girlfriend Over 'The Walking Dead' GF: Why do the zombies want to eat people so badly. Me: Because they have ***fast*** food addictions","She was not pleased" +"Where does a cat go when he has lost his tail","A retail store" +"My girlfriend's pet name is Venison","Because she's so deer to me" +"What do you call an Asian woman with one leg longer than the other","Irene" +"I slapped my brother after he hit me and my dad told me to stop. He said two wrongs don’t make a right","But two Wrights make an Airplane" +"Imagine having perfect vision","No, I just can't see it" +"What do you call a criminal dog","A ruffian" +"What is the least spoken language in the world","Sign language" +"And now, a poem, courtesy of my brother-in-law. There once was a singer of old. Who then broke away from the fold. He won't give you up. He won't let you down","In short, you have been limeRick rolled" +"My son has apparently bought me a compass after finding out I have dyslexia","That's NEWS to me" +"What do you call a beautiful icicle","An article" +"My dad just dadjoked my best friend on facebook. So my best friend put up a picture on facebook of a flat tire he just got, and well my dad just could not resist the [opportunity](http://i. imgur. com/OdVUfbr","png)" +"What do you call a balding aeroplane","A receding airline" +"Oregon. Trail. You’re walking along the. Oregon. Trail and you meet a guy named terry. You laugh at him as say. Terry is a girls name. Terry shoots you","You’ve died of dissen terry" +"I jokingly threw my pastry at my wife. She was absolutely furious. I've never seen a person get this angry before","I guess it holds true to the old saying: Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed" +"Wife got me a down pillow, and asked if I liked it","Told her, I'll sleep on it" +"Why does Big Foot walk with a limp. Because he's not Big Feet","[5 year old nephew made this joke]" +"How many books are there based on an evil government with thought police","Estimates put it anywhere from 451 to 1984" +"As I held my little son","My wife gave birth last month, and after she delivered, and before I was going to hand her our boy, she said I'm exhausted to which I responded with tears of joy in my eyes: hi exhausted, I'm dad" +"Dad joked the girlfriend today. Girlfriend: I'd like to start a garden and grow fruits and vegetables. Me: You already have, you've got two melons right there","Girlfriend:" +"When dad finds out he can get a bot to tell jokes for him When anyone types *I'm hungry* the bot will respond **Well hello Hungry , nice to meet you. ** [<Screenshot>](https://imgur. com/XE8i0f1","jpg)" +"Knock Joke Knock. Who's there","The knock less monster" +"He'll happily let you borrow any of his Disney Pixar DVD's except for one","Rick is never gonna give you Up" +"My son said, 'I'm going to text my girlfriend back","' I said, 'Why on earth is your girlfriend called Back" +"What do you call bad breath that sneaks up on you","Ninjavitis" +"What did the buffalo say when his child was leaving for college","Bison" +"What do you call a spicy roman emperor","Habanero" +"The 3 unwritten rules of life. ) 2",") 3" +"I've just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program","I've ever seen." +"Dad jokes","He sure does" +"My. Friend. Told. Me. He. Identifies. As. A. Broadcasting. Radio. Station. I told him “You can’t be","Sirius”" +"Why did they make Moana. Because Disney made Frozen about Elsa and then they thought, you know what","we need Moana" +"Why do elephants paint their toenails red. One clown asked another clown, “Why do elephants paint their toenails red. ” The second clown thought and replied that he didn’t know. The first clown said, “So they can hide in cherry trees. Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree. ” “No,” replied the second clown","“See how well it works" +"I once had a splinter","It eventually got out of hand." +"Short poem I dig, he digs, she digs, we all dig","I know its not a nice poem, but its pretty deep" +"I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, That's a pretty watch you've got there. Does it tell you the time. She laughed and said, No, this is an old-fashioned watch","You have to look at it" +"This morning at breakfast, my daughter said she doesn't really like syrup on her pancakes, but sometimes she'll sneak a little on there . So","I said, well, aren't you syrup-titious!" +"My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him","I wasn’t born until he was an adult" +"What did the buffalo say to his boy as he dropped him off for college","Bison" +"What is Forrest Gump's e-mail password","1forrest1" +"What was Thomas Jefferson's dad's name","Thomas Jefferdad" +"Did you guys hear","Tom Hiddleston is dating Taylor Swift Don't tell anyone else though, they're trying to keep it Loki" +"My daughter emptied a bag of dry beans inside my van","The van has never had so much legume!" +"My son asked me: Dad did you get shot in the army. No son","I got shot in the leggy" +"My SO confessed to masturbating alone instead of seeking out sex with me","Didn't see that one coming" +"One time, I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd","Then I saw another marine animal, and I thought it was otter" +"Pooping isn't something you *want* to do…","Pooping is something you do do." +"My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs","To be honest, I just winged it" +"I thought we were solid","I guess I just don't matter" +"I went to the doctor yesterday. He said I have onomatopoeia. I asked him if it was bad","Doctor: It's exactly what it sounds like" +"I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog. this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever","(True story, btw" +"Two Scientists walk into a bar. I'll have H2O, says the 1st. I'll have H2O, too, says the 2nd","The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context" +"He is risen. Ever Easter when my dad would first see me in the morning. Every. Fucking","Easter" +"Wife locked me out. Was going out to the garage to grab a soda, and as I'm passing my wife, she asks if I want a piece of cheese she's cutting up. I reply with I Quess-so","Got the best eye roll ever, go out, grab my soda, and when I get back to the garage door, she totally locked it lol" +"I hate elevators","They’re always up to something" +"What does a panda say to customer service when he can’t find his order number","Just bear with me" +"What do you call a man with a rubber toe","Roberto" +"Me: 'Dad, make me a sandwich","' Dad: 'Poof, You’re a sandwich" +"When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet","I just think it's sappy" +"Someone switched all the buttons on our elevator today","That's wrong on so many levels" +"Girlfriend just walked in holding a can opener. you left this in the bathroom","In case someone had to use the can" +"A young magical lady was eating lunch in the desert","It was a sandwich" +"Why do cows have hooves","Cuz they lactose" +"What did the plumber say when he won at poker","It's better to have a flush than a full house" +"Why do Seagulls fly over the sea","If they flew over the bay they'd be bagels" +"What rhymes with orange","No it doesn’t" +"Original joke from my dad","Me: Hey Dad what are you up to Dad: oh about 6'6" +"What do you need in order to poop in the woods","Toilet trees" +"What do you call someone that steals energy","A joule thief" +"My girlfriend broke up with me and said she never wanted to see me again, so. I left and took her wheelchair with me","Guess who just came crawling back?" +"I told my Scottish mum that I got Goat Simulator","She replied with You've goat tae be kiddin' me" +"100%. Muscle is a great slogan to put on a tanktop","But a bad one for a hat." +"What's a rabbit's favourite restaurant","IHOP" +"Why do junkies like farms","They are always looking for a needle in a haystack" +"Told my Gf that she should work for a train company. She keeps getting statically shocked","So I told her she should work for a train company since she is such a great conductor" +"Did you know that if you took the Eiffel Tower apart and laid each piece end to end","you could go to jail for a very long time" +"Dadjoked the little sister today. Her: *Wow, look at this coin purse. It cost twelve dollars. * Me: *Why is it that expensive. It looks like it's worth less than half that. * Her: *Well, you know. it is the Vera Bradley brand, and name-brand things always cost more. * Me: *Well it seems like that is* ***vera bradley*** *priced","* I^felt^so^proud" +"What do you get when you have sex with a female physician","Doctor Strange" +"I have observed that people who always turn right are invariably on time","They're clockwise" +"Nearly dadjoked my mom today My mother was taking a picture of me today by our front door since I was dressed in a dapper fashion for my senior portrait I had taken earlier today, but it was too sunny outside. Mom: The picture is too full of sun, let's take the picture inside. *We go inside* Mom: That's better. I thought, but Mom, the picture is still full of son. I would've said it to her but she doesn't usually get these jokes, and taking 2 minutes to explain it would've just taken away from it","In hindsight I wish I had" +"My dad and I were talking about 'being cool', and then. 'Hey, /thechristy, what's this key go to. ' 'The front door. You should take it. I already have one' 'Nah. I don't think I will. It's just too door-key for me. ' I face-palmed. And cue the satisfied grin of father who dad-joked his offspring","Again" +"A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat","The librarian says, It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not" +"AFTERMATH","comes English" +"I'm a dad again (as of yesterday early morning. ) - 3rd girl; not related to the joke. She's related to me, my wife, and her 2 sisters. Anyway the joke I made tonight- My in-laws had to the 2 older girls while we were at the hospital, and got home tonight. I looked down and realized I had a hole in one of my socks, and said guess it's time to throw this one away. My father in law said, yeah. I've been getting holes in my socks and have been throwing them away, too","I said, Left *and* right" +"What do chickens read","Bawks" +"I have mastered the art of brewing tea","It is now my special-tea" +"I went to a. Zoo and the only animal there was a dog. It was a. Shih","Tzu" +"My boy asked me to hand him his sunglasses","I told him I'd do it as soon as he hands me my dadglasses" +"I saw a hot dog vendor today","She was good-looking, but I don't really need a dog" +"Girlfriend just dropped this on me while we were making mashed potatoes So while we were peeling the potatoes, I dropped some of the skin onto the floor. So instead of picking it up, I stick it onto her leg. She then says Am I appealing","I am so proud" +"You know what sucks about circles","They have no point" +"How much room does it take to grow a fungus. As mushroom as possible","(By my actual dad, to my girlfriend, as she was eating some appetizer soup at a Hibachi restaurant" +"Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road","Because it got stuck in a crack" +"I bet my dad that in one simple move he wouldn't be my biological father anymore. He didn't believe me, so I told him to kneel down while I stood on top of him. See. I said Um","Sorry, but I'm still your dad , he replied Yeah, but now you're my step dad" +"What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic","About half way" +"Have you seen my phone. Me: Have you seen my phone","DAD: Yes, loads of times" +"“How long have you been chopping wood for. ” “Not too sure","Let me check the logs" +"Stud Finder Dad: Have you seen my stud finder. Me: Maybe it found a stud and lived happily ever after","Dad: *tearing up* I have nothing left to teach you" +"Why did Tigger put his head in the toilet","He was looking for Pooh 😃" +"What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for years","CHURCH" +"What did the father say when his gay son finally came out of the closet","Can you hand me my coat" +"I’m not sexist because being sexist is wrong","And being wrong is for women" +"What do Scandinavian people like to smoke","Suede" +"How do you contact Michael Jackson","Send him a hee-hee mail" +"After the. G7 summit, they should follow it up with a. C major summit","So things can get resolved" +"I don't understand depressed magnets","They're so bipolar" +"Archaeology in the news **My roommate just had this text conversation with her dad. ** Her dad: Hey did you see the news. Archaeologists found the first tampon ever. Her: Really. Her dad: Only one problem. Her:What","Her dad: They can't figure out what period it's from hahahahahahaha Her: Shut up" +"I've got an investment in. America that pays 0% interest","It makes no cents" +"My dad's brilliant macabre one liner So my dad was talking to an acquaintance of ours, who is a landlord. My dad's acquaintance said he went in to check on one of his tenants and found him dead in his Lay-Z-Boy watching TV, remote still in hand and T. V still running","My dad's response on hearing this bit of news Welp, I bet he wasn't watching the Life Channel" +"Told my fiance about vests being on sale. Her: I don't know, can I pull off a vest","Me: Once you unzip it, it shouldnt be too much trouble" +"Ordering. Indian food. Ordering orange chicken curry: 20 bucks. Delivery: 2 bucks. Opening it and finding out they forgot something:","Riceless!" +"How do you get two whales in a car","Start in England and drive west" +"How many apple's grow on an apple tree","All of them" +"Proud of this one, I thought of it on the spot. One of my co-workers just walked by my office looking for stamp ink. She said, You don't ever need to stamp anything, do you","Without missing a beat, I said, Just my feet" +"What's big, grey and doesn't matter","An irrelephant" +"My dad literally just made a dad joke. He was talking about my best planking times (because he likes to keep me athletic) while looking through a record of my planking times, and believed that I could have worked for a longer duration on one session. I said, Yeah, I just got bored","He retorted, You didn't get board, you got plank" +"My University caught fire during finals week That's how I got my first degree","burns" +"What do you call a smart cookie","Academia nut" +"How did the duck get into the gym","I don't know, but it worked out" +"My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night","But I will recover" +"Where do Police go on date night","Arrestrants" +"What's the difference between humor and odor","Humor is a shift of wit" +"I met conjoined twins and I'm not sure which one I like more","They're neck and neck" +"[Meta] Dadjokes aren't just puns. As a big proponent of the dadjoke I want to argue that a dadjoke is not just a pun. I see lots of material submitted here that might be better suited for /r/punny. Speaking as a dad, for me a classic dad joke is highly dependent on the context. I can't whip out old standbys at any moment and call them proper dadjokes. If I'm driving my kid to school I can't just ask him Hey, do you know why the kids couldn't see the pirate movie. It was rated aaarrrgh. That's just a bad joke. OTOH, if my kid says are kinda funny (which he has before), and I make a joke about him being the youngest pirate I know (I may or may not have done this before), then that's a dadjoke. A shitty one, but still a dadjoke. The best context ones are where a situation presents itself and the dad takes the opportunity to make the lame joke (as in a post from awhile back where the OP overheard three or four dads make almost the exact same joke at an aquarium). Straight up puns should go to /r/punny. Context specific jokes which rely on vagaries of the language or the funny situation, should stay here","Just my two cents worth" +"A joke for fathers day. Dad, are bugs good to eat. ” asked the boy. “We don't talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” his father replied. After dinner the father inquired, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me. ” “Oh, nothing,” the boy said","“There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone" +"What's black and white and black and white and black and white. A penguin rolling down a hill. What's black and white laughing","The penguin that pushed him" +"What's the best time of day to wash your engine","Dawn, it's tough on grease" +"My grandfather’s last wish was that we scatter his remains in the sea","Everyone at the beach started freaking out though, because we didn’t cremate him" +"Why did the horse city council never get anything done","They always voted neigh (even the mare)" +"I got my girlfriend pretty good today So, I was making my lunch and I had asked her how long to put it in the microwave. Me: How long should I put this in for. Her: Put it in for a minute and see where it is. Me: It's gonna be in the microwave","Her: God, I hate you" +"Easy to Remember Locker Combination I had a new lock in high school and I said, The new combination is 17-11-48. My mom said, Well, that should be easy to remember","You're 17 now, you were once 11, and you will be 48" +"I once slipped on a pickle","I'm over it now but it was a big dill at the time" +"What would a self depreciating wardrobe say","I hate my-shelf" +"If any of you guys know how to fix a broken hinge,","My door is wide open." +"I ate too much alphabet soup. Now","I’m sitting on the toilet with a massive vowel movement...." +"A sheep, drum, and snake fall off a cliff","Ba dum tsh" +"Donor List My daughter was playing with some neighborhood kids and one fell and he had scraped his knee. It was just skinned a bit. Of course he thought it was terrible. There was blood. I sd Oh NO. You will need a replacement we will have to get you on the Donor list as soon as possible. The donor list. he says","Yes, you need a KID KNEE replacement" +"How does Peter Parker keep track of the number of arachnids in any given neighborhood","He uses his spider census" +"Took wife and son to science night. There was an animal biologist there. He brought out a lizard to show everyone, then a second one of the same type. I turned to my wife. Wife: Don't Me: Look. He's got dual monitors","My son groaned and my work was done" +"Frozen sculptures are okay","Icy pose" +"How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb. One","They're very efficient and have no sense of humor" +"People who think that the Earth is round really can't stand my humor","I guess I'm just too edgy" +"What do you call a fat psychic","A four-chin teller" +"What do you call Donald Trumps backup singers","The Trumpets" +"What's a bisexual person who's waiting for their date","A person on standbi (I do not mean to offend anyone if this does)" +"What does a civilization in space use as a currency","starbucks" +"“Hey. Dad,","I like your haircut” “Thanks, it’s growing on me”" +"My friend bought some fragrance infused sticks even though he knows I hate the smell","He is so Incensetive" +"Got my dad just now We're in Walmart looking at TV's, and we got heated about curved TV's. Me: I don't get it. Dad: You're just like your mom, you lack vision. You just need assistance. Me: Well I do wear glasses so","The conversation ended after that, all my dad did was laugh" +"I beat the shit out of my phone everyday to make it work","It runs on battery" +"Where can you get fresh, holy grapes","Off Devine" +"At Yellowstone and my Dad busts this out (While we are watching Old Faithful) Dad: Did you know each eruption of Old Faithful gets a name. Me: Like hurricanes. No I didn't Dad: Yeah, except they all have German names. I think it's because Old Faithful was discovered by Germans. Me: That's really interesting. What's this one called","Dad: Geyser Wilhelm" +"What do you call it when Batman skips church","Christian Bale" +"What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet","Supplies" +"What do you call a bankrupt Santa","Saint Nickel-less" +"I love rice, brown or white","I'm not a ricist" +"How do NASA organise a party","They planet" +"I hate it when people ask me what. I'll be doing in one year. It's like, come on guys,","I don't have 2020 vision" +"I just bought a Monopoly set, but there aren't any instructions","I mean, what are the chances" +"Who are the smelliest people in the library","The tutors" +"I have a. French stepdad","He's my faux pas" +"What's the difference between a piano, a tuna and glue. You can tune a piano but you can't piano a tuna. But what's the glue about","I knew you'd get stuck there" +"Did you hear about the depressed Swede","He wished he'd never been Bjorn" +"I’d tell you. Super. Mario joke but","I’ll have to 1-Up my game" +"Why does Queue have five letters","One for the sound and the rest are waiting their turn" +"My 4 year old was complaining that the chicken in his burrito wasn't breaded Son: I don't like chicken if it doesn't have a wrapper. Dad: My favorite chicken rapper is M. Nugget","My wife actually laughed at that one" +"As. I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said","Y'know, one would have been enough." +"What does Earth get on Earth day","A birthday quake" +"I would avoid the sushi if I was you","It’s a little fishy" +"If your phone is getting no service","Try putting shoes and a shirt on it" +"A guy on the street asked me how I kept my hair so nice","Apparently he was gel-less" +"What do you call a Jamaican fish","Sal mon" +"The. French really hated the. English","They even eliminated tea entirely from their pronunciations." +"I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone","Then it dawned on me" +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon","Great food, no atmosphere" +"3 friends get lost in the woods","They stumble across a genie Genie: I will grant each of you 1 wish Guy 1: I wish to go home Guy 2: I wish to go back home Guy 3: now im lonely, I wish my friends were here" +"My local hardware store has a sale on all its alloys, so. I bought one","It was a steel" +"Why is. Dark spelt with a. K and not a. C. You can’t. C in the","Dark" +"I told my doctor I broke my arm in three places","He said Well don't to those places then" +"How do you get a country girl to go out with you","You a tractor" +"When you ask a dad if he's alright: No, I’m half left","”" +"I suspected my girlfriend was a ghost right from the beginning","Starting with the moment she walked through those doors." +"Don't buy a used drumset","There are serious repercussions" +"How did the combat medic get hired at SeaWorld","He told them he was a marine biologist" +"Why do I not eat chicken","It's fowl" +"There was a. Cajun. Chef named. Julius. Caesar who said to his. Sous. Chef, “Etouffée","Brute?”" +"We named our son after me","He doesn't really like the name 'dad' though" +"Have you tried that new sausage","dont, its the wurst" +"What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday","AYE MATEY" +"Our country is about to switch from imperial to metric units","There will be mass confusion" +"In ancient Rome there were four different types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III were deadly","Poison IV just made you itchy" +"Turned down a ride in a limo","I hate long car trips" +"All the comic books I bought from the store seem to be missing the last page","I have to draw my own conclusions" +"My 7yr old got me with this one today. Driving to lunch, 7yr old: I can't hear very well anymore. Me: well, what changed. 7yr old: my hearing Well played son","Well played" +"What is the opposite of lady fingers","Mentos" +"This is not the time for jokes, Dad. http://i. imgur. com/22Fl8kX","jpg" +"A woman goes to the doctor. He says It looks like you're pregnant. Woman: I am","Doctor: No, it just looks like you are" +"On our way to school. My kiddo is great, so smart and after one of our amazing conversations on such subjects as climate change while listening to NPR, devised this meme together :) https://imgur","com/gallery/hwHqb" +"What do you call a guy wih kids in the Netherlands","An Amsterdad" +"Whats TSA called in Canada","TS-eh" +"What do you call it when you watch a donkey fart","an asstute observation" +"My dog used to chase people on bikes all the time","It got so bad I had to take his bikes away" +"What do you call Iron Man when he can’t get out of his suit","Tony Stuck" +"Everytime, damn it dad Everytime my dad brings some melons home. Dad: Son you know what kind of melons these are. Me: Nope. Dad: Honeydew. Honeydew this. Honey do that","Famiy: Ugggh that stupid joke" +"I bought a bad thesaurus the other day","Not only was it terrible, it was terrible" +"Bacon isn’t the main attraction Sausages","Thought of this at work while I was cooking" +"How do you pull a farm girl","A tractor" +"An electric train can only operate","if there's a conductor" +"My wife's parents are both attorneys","I hate in when the at-laws visit." +"Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck","He kept quacking all the eggs" +"Who is the king of pencil case","The ruler" +"Watched a documentary on illegal drugs last night. Five Stars","Most documentaries are more enjoyable that way" +"My dad in a group message about a family meet up:. The 21st is. Father's. Day and we'll have 3 of them present - minimum, or should","I say minidad *ROFLMAO*" +"Saw this one on FB today, and knew it belonged here What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards. A receding hareline","*slaps knee*" +"Never forward an email about drums. Unless you're able to handle the. Re:","Percussion" +"Was going to invest in an anal bead company","Decided it was a shitty investment" +"Dad: Hey is that shirt felt. Me: um no it's not Dad: *proceed to touch my shirt","It is now" +"One bird can’t make a pun","But toucan" +"My Dad once handed me a phone made of ice I asked what it was for, he shrugged and said I don't know","Think it's a cold caller" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school","Don't worry he woke up" +"When it comes to broken shoelaces","You've got the halves and the have-knots" +"When I was younger I collected model trains, including steam engines like the 2-8-6 and the 4-6-2","but I never could find the 4-0-4" +"What do cows dance to. Moosic","This one slayed at my 5 year olds birthday party yesterday" +"NFL Bad Joke Telling: All the Classic DadJokes and with Athletes. https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=aqxBFY-M1KM" +"I just finished reading a book called Like oranges but smaller by. Amanda","Rin" +"Boldly quoted joke for you all",">**joke**" +"what part of the body is the last to die. The pupils","they dilate" +"Someone threw a jar of mayonnaise at me today","I was like, What the hell-man" +"What did the police officer say when he caught the artist speeding in a Honda Odyssey","Man you really make that Van Gogh" +"Did you hear about the scientist who lowered his temperature to absolute zero","He’s 0K now" +"Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons Where'd you get those. asks Watson. A lemon tree, my dear Watson","A lemon tree" +"I have psychic powers. For example: right now","I can sense you don’t believe me." +"What do you get hanging off. Apple trees","Sore arms" +"What do you call dental x-rays. Tooth pics. Stollen from a friend. Quick search on this sub yeilded no results","Hopefully it makes some of you chuckle" +"I’m not a fan of big soda. But. I’m very fond of","Minnesota." +"A Jehovah's Witness knocked on my door. He gave me a leaflet and said, Who knows. You might find it useful. So I scrunched it up into a ball and threw it at him","I guess you were right, I replied" +"A guy buys his friend a very rare type of thyme for a Christmas present The friend sees it and says &#x200B; You shoudn't have got this. It's super rare and expensive. I'm probably going to use it for cooking anyway. It gives very nice flavor. &#x200B; The guy responds &#x200B; Well if you're going to cook with it, better be now","There's no thyme like the present" +"While taking a tour of a college campus, the tour guide mentioned that the school was surrounded by three different cemeteries. Tour guide: And did you know that if you live across from a cemetery, you can’t be buried there. Me: What. Why not","Tour guide: Because you’re still alive" +"One of my dad's many jokes relating to his farts My mom, wondering if we had enough leftovers to save: What do you think. Dad: **rips a disgusting eggplant-induced fart**. Did you say,'what do you stink'","Mom to me, as I'm laughing hysterically: Do you see what I have to live with" +"Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns","He was a small-arms dealer" +"What is the most exotic car on the market","Hyundai, because it has an accent" +"Why did the melons have a big, fancy wedding","Because they cantaloupe" +"My friend was trying to get an Eagle, bit only managed to shoot a Birdie, where he promptly collapsed and was sent to the hospital","They said he had one too many strokes" +"I was telling cheesy jokes at a party","But everyone there was laughtose intolerant." +"Did you hear about Mr Whippy. He was found dead in the back of his van, covered in chocolate sprinkles","Apparently he topped himself" +"Did you hear Hugh Jackman ran inside a flower shop today to put out a fire","I guess it's true what they say, only Hugh can prevent florist fires" +"What's the difference between a. Piano, a. Tuna and a. Pot of. Glue","You can tune a piano, but you can't piano a tuna!" +"I pointed a tape gun at coworker as he passed by and shouted Beep beep, you're speeding, sir. Gotta get you a ticket Coworker: Nah, how you gonna prove it","Me: Easy, I have it here on tape" +"What happens to frogs that park illegally. They get toad","Edit: this content is unoriginal" +"3 Muslim women walk into Hungry Jacks One is dressed entirely in bright pink, another neon green, and another in gorgeous gold","A man ordering food at the counter notices them and asks the employee why they are wearing such bright colours, to which the employee responds: The burkas are better at Hungry Jack's" +"What type of songs do planets like to sing","Neptunes" +"What do you call a melon that is unable to marry. A cantaloupe. Thought of this one last night while mentally taking stock of my fridge","My wife rolled her eyes so hard they almost fell out" +"Can February March","No, but April May" +"Why did the chicken I was with cross the road","It was the only way to get home from KFC" +"Holmes: Is that mud on your boots. Watson: No, shit, Sherlock Holmes: Is that comforter on your bed. Watson: No, sheet, Sherlock &#x200B; Holmes: Is that a long note on your desk. Watson: No, chit, Sherlock &#x200B; Holmes: Is that your residence","Watson: No, shed, Sherlock" +"If you’re looking for a prefix to extend the word ‘ointment’","There's an app for that" +"Have you heard balloon prices are going up","It's due to inflation" +"I just told my wife that our son peed in our bed. https://i. imgur. com/NWxO83ah","jpg" +"My dad quacks me up sometimes [He just sent me this. ](I was not emused https://imgur","com/gallery/k0nM3Iv)" +"Got Dadjoked by my friend today. Me: I finally have a couple days off from work and I get sick. Is this a cruel joke. Him: No","it's a sick joke" +"What do you call a deaf bird","Hard of heron" +"It's our wedding anniversary today. My wife and I have been happily married for two years now","1995 and 2009" +"I don’t often tell Dad jokes","But when I do, he laughs" +"What did one eye say to the other","I don't know what it is, but between us, something smells" +"My brother is ready. Over winter break my dad had been growing a beard and for his birthday he decided to break the news that he was planning on keeping it through the year. Without missing a beat my brother replied I guess it finally grew on you. He's ready to be a dad at only 12 years old","I am so proud" +"How do you make holy water","You boil the hell out of it" +"Did you know that protons have mass","I didn't even know they were catholic" +"I tried to catch fog yesterday,","I mist." +"Hey, look at that crowd of cows. A herd of cows. Of course I heard of cows","there's a crowd of them over there" +"Dad: Have you ever seen a banana jump. Me: No. Dad: Neither have I. They must do it at night. (laughs) Pretty terrible but he just told me so figured I'd share","😄" +"Why was the scarecrow promoted","He was outstanding in his field" +"Why did the bike refuse to move","It was two tired" +"I laughed at my own joke (I was the only one) The following is a text exchange between me and a friend: **Friend**: Arrived safely in Vietnam. See you in a few weeks. **Me**: Glad to hear You've reached your destinASIAN","Bonus points: I used the asian face character emoji" +"When does a joke become a Dad joke","When it becomes apparent" +"What did the scarf say to the hat","You go on ahead, I'm gonna hang around a bit longer" +"500 bricks on an airplane and one falls off. How many are left. ((To be played back and forth with a friend as questions and answers)) [499. ] What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator. [1. Open door. Put elephant in. Close door. ] What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator. [1. Open door. Remove elephant. Put giraffe in. Close door. ] All the animals attend a birthday party for the king of the jungle, except one. Who didn’t attend. [The giraffe. He’s still in the refrigerator. ] A girl swims across an alligator infested river, but safely makes it to the other side. How was that possible. [All the alligators were at the birthday party. ] The girls still dies though, how come","[The one brick from the airplane fell on her head" +"The project to restore Big Ben was a bit behind schedule, so the construction company put on a third shift","Men are now working around the clock" +"How to you tell male from female ants","Throw them in a bucket of water; if it floats, it's buoyant" +"Okay dads, enough with the. New. Years jokes. That's all","I've seen here all year!" +"What did the Testicle say to the Urethra","There's a *Vas Deferens* between you and I" +"What do you call a man who has no shins","Toe knee" +"Silence is golden","Unless you have young children then silence becomes suspicious" +"Like most people my age","I'm 50" +"I use the Hi Hungry, I'm Mom joke so often","My 4 year old son started telling me he wants to eat by saying I'm hungry but I'm not called that, I just want some food" +"Last night, me and the boys snuck onto the farm and went around feeding the cows $5 bills","I do love me some cow tipping" +"My daughter asked me, Daddy why do I have to go to bed","I replied, Because the bed wont come to you" +"On the way out of the house, my daughter has to use the bathroom. Getting into the car my daughter says that she has diarrhea and if she's late to school they will just have to understand I say, Well then I hope your day at school isn't too crappy","Daughter responds, Dad, you are not funny" +"Dad joke about power tools I was in a guy's workshop last week waiting for him to come back from the house, and I noticed a jigsaw sitting on the table. Because he was gone awhile (and I was bored), I picked it up and turned it on. Right as I did that he came around the corner and I quickly turned it off and put it down. Me: Nobody saw anything. Him: Oh I definitely saw that","Me: Yeah, but *I* didn't saw anything" +"What do you call a blind dinosaur","Do-you-think-he-saurus!" +"You know how things expand with heat","I’m not fat I’m hot" +"Never trust anyone with graph paper","They’re always plotting something" +"What do you call it when a cow jumps over barbed wire. Udder destruction","The wife gave me a long sigh after that one" +"I got a random text from my wife at work. How are you my love. she asked. So I said, I often think the same thing about you","Cheeky woman" +"How do you find Will Smith in snow","You look for the fresh prints" +"A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name. ” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny","” “Because…He’s my newt" +"I'm gonna be a great dad someday So my parents had 2 other couples over for dinner tonight. While we were eating, I casually mention to my dad, who is sitting next to me, that some of the parts of the chair I'm sitting on aren't fully inserted into the other parts. He says, rather loudly, well just stand up and whack them in. At this point, all eyes are on my dad and me, and someone asks what was going on. I just say, this chair is pretty old and broken. I guess you could say it's on its last legs, and the 3 dads at the table just started cracking up, while the moms rolled their eyes in disappointment","I'm gonna be an awesome father" +"A man has been admitted to hospital, smelling of horses and with hay sprouting from his ears","Doctors say he is in a stable condition" +"How I quit my school newsreader job When I was in high school the media department got a few of us to do a weekly news update and I was co-anchor. On our last day of filming for the year we decided to go out for pizza and at the end of the night it was just me and Jessica, the main anchor on the show. I walked her home and just as we got to the bridge near her house I tripped on the uneven pavement and bumped her. She fell over the rail and hit her head on the large stones by the creek bank. I didn't know what to do and panicked. I felt that my whole life would be over if everyone found out that I killed Jessica. So, in that moment, I knew what I had to do. Nobody saw us leave together and no-one passed us on the road. I went down to where her warm lifeless body laid and dug a shallow grave. The ground was soft, so it was easy to make one big enough for Jessica's frail but broken body. She seemed so peaceful in that moment under the bridge and you could almost mistake her for being asleep under the warm sodium lights above. I tossed her in making sure that everything was covered and wouldn't be exposed any time soon. I took a nearby branch and used it to brush over my tracks and made my way back up to the road. I waited until there were no signs of anyone else and hurried back home making sure to discard my shoes in an industrial bin on the way. I made sure to leave behind anything with any possible traces of dirt or residue that forensics could possibly link back to me. After I had a shower, I cleared the fog on the glass and caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror. I was not the same person that I was a few hours ago and I knew that I could never be that person ever again. The days and weeks that followed were not easy for me. I could not feel any emotion at all: the closest thing being anger that I did not feel guilty at all. Not then anyway. It started with the nightmares where I would be under that bridge hearing Jessica calling out to me asking why - why. - until I would wake up in sweaty sheets gasping for breath. The nightmares got worse, but also the weight of it all. In the weeks that followed, the community rallied together and there were posters of Jessica's smiling face everywhere. I could not think about anything else and everything else didn't really matter. I made it through each day by playing a version of myself: like I was controlling some sort of puppet and going through the motions. The show continued, until one day - and I remember the moment. The emotion I had been suppressing all along could not be contained any more. We were filming, and it was maybe 3 or even 4 months since the night I did what I did. I was ready to do my segment on the upcoming home game when I saw something caught in the spiral of my notebook - it was a single strand of Jessica's hair. I could not speak and when I looked up everyone was staring at me and, at first, I didn't know why. I only realised that I was crying hysterically when I saw the monitor. I felt that black darkness that had enshrouded me for so long getting tighter, like a carpet snake trying to maintain its grip on prey, but I knew I had to tell everyone. I began speaking, describing the events that happened and the way her neck was bent all the way back and the way her body was still warm when I touched her. The way I brushed away her hair from her cheek when I held her. The way her skin looked under the warmth of sodium lights. I told everyone how I felt when I realised what I had done, and how I came to the decision I made that night. The snake slowly hissed, and I could feel its grip loosening its hold on me as I told her story. I felt, for the first time in a long time, that I could breathe. Breathe. In that instant I felt a release, a perverted type of redemption that at the very least allowed Jessica to have some sort of peace. I knew that I had to tell everyone about that night and what happened to her. If not for me then at least for her. I had to talk","talk about burying the lead" +"How does Mike Rowe (Host of Dirty Jobs) cook most of his meals","In his Mike-Rowe-Wave" +"I asked my friend if there were downsides to growing up with two dads She told me one, whenever she tells one she's hungry Hi Hungry, I'm Dad. ' Hi Dad, I'm also Dad","&#x200B; &#x200B; Happy Pride Month" +"Someone called me average today","That's mean" +"Got my wife good. So last night, my wife was trying to settle our 11 month old son and with it being dark, she couldn't find where to put the dummy,. Her : where is your mouth. Me : right under his nose","Followed by 2 minutes of me giggling to myself in the dark." +"I like telling dad jokes","Sometimes he laughs" +"You know what’s the worst thing about keeping an open mind","You’ll end up getting a splitting headache" +"If you miss(ed) 4/20, don't worry. Jut wait two days, because that's four-twenty","two" +"My friend is a rapper with insomnia. Lil’","Sleep" +"Conjunctivitis","com Now that’s a site for sore eyes" +"Dad: What are you doing in the wardrobe","Son: Narnia business" +"I had a dog who couldn't poop. So I named him Vegas","Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" +"Dad is an older muslim gentleman, I remember this from when he was in the hospital a few years ago. Nurse: Your doctor should return in just a few moments with your test results. *looks at dad* Oh, we also have a new room for religious practices if you wanted to do some prayers","Dad: God, were my test results that bad" +"Picked up my Mom from her colonoscopy today. Her: I'm surprised there was no copay for the operation","Me: Yeah, it seems like they covered your ass" +"If you're experiencing joint pain","You probably shouldnt be holding the lit end" +"Why don’t cannibals eat clowns","They taste funny" +"Two muffins were sitting in an oven","One turned to the other and said Gee it's hot in here The other one shouted Wow, a talking muffin" +"How do sheep get to hospital","In a lambulance" +"What was Captain Kirk's least favourite Mexican dish","Chilli Con KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANe" +"Lately I’ve been saying ”el mundo” a lot to my spanish friends","It means the world to them" +"My Son Asked Me What Acorns Are I said Tree's He says Really","I then say, In a nutshell, yeah" +"My wife thinks. I'm lazy, but in reality,","I'm a master ..." +"What do Romans use to cut their pizza","Little Caesars" +"What musical instruments do Democrats hate the most","Trumpets" +"My Dad's Favorite Joke Okay so the animals have been on the ark for thirty days and thirty nights and frankly they are getting bored. So to provide entertainment B-Deck challenges C-Deck to a game of football. They get it all set up and begin play. B-Deck makes some early gains but C-Deck is unstoppable. They have Rhinoceros and once he gets going you cant stop him. Soon the first half is over and the score is 24-7. The second half begins and while in the huddle Rhinoceros looks over at B-Decks defensive line and sees Centipede on their defensive line. Give me the ball, he says, There aren't going to be any centipedes in the new world because I'm crushing this one right here and right now The Center snaps the ball and the quarterback hands it off to Rhinoceros who begins charging down Centipede. Centipede rears up grabs Rhinoceros by the legs and SLAMS him to the deck. Ball pops loose, centipede grabs the ball. He's rushing down the field weaving in and out and TOUCHDOWN. The crowd goes wild. C-Deck's captain, Lion rushes over and says, Centipede that was amazing. Where were you in the first half","Well I was lacing my shoes" +"Dadjoked the executive board room today Got quite a few groans I was pretty proud of today. We were talking about hiring a new manager for a field team, and it turned out the guy we liked the most had several felony convictions for gun possession. COO: I'm not sure we can take the risk, despite his valuable experience. Me: Well guys, at least we know he'll stick to his guns","I'll make a very good dad one day" +"I wasn’t allowed to bring in my board game as a carry on luggage on to the aeroplane","They said the Risk was too big" +"What do you call a shoe made out of bananas","Slippers" +"I have an epileptic dog. And he has to take phenobarbital to control his seizures. I was talking with my girlfriend. Her: We need to go to the vet, we're almost out of phenobarbital","Me: Yeah, pretty soon we won't have any phenobarb at all" +"My wife said nothing rhymes with orange","I said No it doesn't" +"I've decided to become a professional pupeteer","I'm still pretty new though so I only have learner's kermit" +"How did friends of man who died in a skydiving accident describe him","They said he was very down to earth" +"My girlfriend's dad is a coffee enthusiast, and also a huge proponent of the dadjoke Her: Dad why do you use the other grinder instead of the one built into the coffee machine. Dad explains that the other grinder is better because it's a burr grinder Her: What's different about a burr grinder. Dad: It's really cold *confused pause* Dad: BRRRRR","*unanimous eye roll*" +"How does a scary divorce start","The Ex-Files" +"I told my 14 year old son I thought 'Fortnite' was a stupid name for a computer game","I think it is just too weak (I literally just made this up today and when I told him he laughed and said I should post it on dad jokes)" +"Why is the crocodile longer than it is green","It's only green on one side, but it's long on both sides" +"What do you read while at the Grand Canyon","Cliff notes" +"What do ghosts consume in order to get drunk","Boos" +"What do dictionaries eat for breakfast","synonym rolls" +"Thank you No you didn't,","I'm thtill afloat." +"A terribly good one from my Dad this evening. As soon as I get home for the weekend he opens with the question: Do you know why there are a lot of Scots called Donald but very few called Walt. Most people say it's because they think Walt is an English name but that's not true. It's because Walt always hits his head on the door. Why","(*In the worst Scottish accent imaginable*) Because Donald Ducks but Walt Disney" +"Hoobastank My friend and I occasionally play real shitty music as a joke (One Last Breath, etc). So the other day I'm at his house playing video games and The Reason by Hoobastank comes on. While it's playing I'm getting whooped in the game we're playing pretty badly and so I'm complaining about it. I'm doing all I can to not get whooped but the whoops don't stop and eventually my friend says, Dude, maybe it's the song","So I looked at my friend and said, so you're telling me that the song is The Reason" +"Do you want to hear a joke about unicorns","Never mind, it's too uniCORNY" +"I always seem to hurt myself when","I'm pretending to drink wine in the morning and wake up with a sham pain." +"Had this one in class today. The professor was discussing a new section in math class today and told us we have to digest all the new information. I told her I couldn't because I am math intolerance","Groans where heard for miles" +"Did you hear about the new reversible jacket","I can't wait to see how it turns out" +"Got my friend with this one My friend: When I was on the subway this morning some guy tripped when he was getting on","Me: That must have been very *enter-training*" +"Never bet on real estate","The house always wins" +"Dad joked by David Sedaris During the Q&A at a David Sedaris reading: Audience person: where are all the places you've lived","David Sedaris: hopefully where they're supposed to be" +"So, the other day I got into a fight with 1,3,5,7 and 9","The odds were against me" +"Say what you will about horse girls. But they definitely know how to ride. Edit:","First time post here, just felt like horsing around" +"All she wanted was Root Beer While standing at the register of a New Orleans Hamburger & Seafood Co, the lady taking our order asked what we would like to drink. My girlfriend responds I want some barq's. To which I promptly replied, woof, woof, WOOF. 0 laughs or smiles and I could feel the air around me thicken with dad joke cringe","Fuck it, I loved it" +"I have a joke about. Math. Thing is,","I'm 2² to say it." +"TIL my mother is my dad Sister: Hey mom, can you throw me up some lightbulbs","Mother: I can't, I haven't eaten any" +"I asked the phlebotomist to proofread my book report while I donated blood","She said I was typo negative" +"Did you hear about the guy that was fired from the orange juice factory","He couldn't concentrate" +"I'm going to write a book about a guy named Jack who talks to his food I'll call it Jack and the beans talk","my 5 year old thought it was funny, my wife, not so much" +"I have a weak back. When did that start","Oh, about a week back" +"Just enrolled on a topiary course","Certainly a cutting hedge technology" +"Whenever I see a school bus, I think about my uncles last words","“OH MY GOD, A BUS" +"What would Angelina Jolie name her life story, if she wrote it. Angiography. Courtesy my actual dad","He laughed, no one else did" +"What do you call a constipated Sherlock Holmes","The no-shit Sherlock" +"What is red and smells like blue paint","Red paint" +"Today,. I saw a homeless man living in a tyre, so. I punctured it","He's now living in a flat" +"Went to a costume party Host: What are you. Me: A harp. Host: Your costume is too small for a harp","Me: Are you calling me a lyre" +"So we were pulling into the airport and a car speed by us","I remarked, Dang, He is flying Dad immediately pointed to a plane and said, No he is flying Groans echoed from the car" +"Fly pun Me, my sister and my dad were working outside yesterday, and a huge fly was persistently trying to bite my sister. When it wouldn't stop, she said, Damn, I wish this fly would just bite me and then fuck off. Dad then said, What. Like a one-bite-stand","Eye rolling ensued" +"Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road","It got stuck in a crack" +"Someone Catapulted a Chimney at me and I don't know why","Flue right over my head" +"Did you hear about the guy who barely survived getting trampled in a horse pen","They found him in stable condition" +"My dad's response never gets old Every time anyone in our household says the phrase I'm not feeling good he instantly fires off oh, not feeling yourself lately","He laughs his ass off every time" +"Why can't atheists solve exponential equations>","Because they don't believe in higher powers." +"Back to school shopping Little sister in law, I don't know why, but I really love stationery shopping","Me, Me too, so much less walking around" +"Coworkers are groaning this morning I overheard a conversation where one guy was saying that for some reason his backslash wasn't working","I told him to try a back-Stevie-Ray-Vaughan or a back-Van-Halen instead" +"What happened to John Travolta's throat after drinking orange juice","Pulp Friction" +"My son got good grades in all his classes except. Greek. Mythology. That's always been his. Achilles","Elbow" +"What did spock find in the USS Enterprise toilet","Captains log" +"What do you call a singing computer","A Dell" +"When in France, you should never call your boyfriend ‘daddy","’ That’s just a faux pa" +"Just the other day someone asked how my long distance relationship was going","I said “so far,so good”" +"Last night. I dreamt. I was a muffler","I woke up exhausted" +"I'm still in awe by my fathers' genius. I'm sitting at the dining room table with my mom just chatting about nothing in particular, when my dad walks with this shit eating grin holding something behind his back. Now for a little background info, my dad NEVER does surprises. And I mean never. So I immediately knew something was up. My mom turns around and asks him what's going on. He tells her to close her eyes and hold out her hands because he got her a surprise. At this point my mom gets really excited and asking, what is it. What is it. To which my dad replies, Do you remember when we went out the other day and you were looking at those new running shoes, but you decided not to get them because they were too expensive. To which she responds, ahhhh. Yes I remember. He then says, well I saw how much you liked them so I decided to get you a pear. And he puts a fresh pear in her hands","She still won't talk to him" +"Why do cows have hooves instead of feet","Because they lactose" +"She lights up the room, every time she walks in","then again, she’s the only one who knows where the light switch is" +"What’s a mathematician’s favourite sitcom","Sinefeld" +"Did you know Darth Vader has a sister. Her name is Ella","(Courtesy of my 7 year old daughter - so proud" +"How to make a seven even without doing any mathematical equations. You remove the","S" +"My friend is a dog walker My friend texted me one day and said: I was walking the dogs on the trail and I was wondering if anything interesting was going to happen. Then a Girl walked onto the trail with her horse. She was walking her horse in a bra. To which I messaged back saying: That is awesome. How did she get the horse in a bra","I could feel him groan through the next 10 text messages" +"Today my son asked can I have a book mark","and I bursted out laughing 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian" +"The epitome of what I one day hope to be Terrible. More like wearable. http://imgur","com/tX4dJJt" +"Why did the chicken cross the road. It didn't","It got run over" +"I recently started the new Brexit diet","So far I've lost hundreds of millions of pounds" +"A couple of decades ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now, there's no cash, no hope, and no jobs","For the love of God, don't let Kevin Bacon pass away" +"Dr:. I had to remove your colon","Me why" +"The kitchen substituted something for my rice","Orzo it seems" +"What do you do when a chemist dies","Barium" +"There are three types of people in this world:","Those who can count, and those who can't." +"I have a. French step-dad","He's my faux pas" +"Got my coworker with this one. So I'm showing one of my new coworkers how to run a program on the company computer. Once the program is completed, a window pops up and asks if you are finished. So as I'm helping a customer and my coworker asks me So finish, right. I spin around and say No, English, always English. Don't nobody around here know Finnish","She looked very confused, I don't think she got it" +"My cat just sat in catnip","Now he's high off his ass" +"A guy came to my door asking for donations for a local swimming pool","I gave him a cup of water to help out" +"My girlfriend loves me, I swear. We've been watching the Flash, which is awful TV at its finest. You'd expect anyone to watch this to enjoy some good punnery, but that's not the case. I texted this to my girlfriend and got a condescending Oh, honey. in response. My text: If someone sculpted Barry Allen out of clay, you could call him Adobe Flash","I swear she loves me but I don't always know why" +"What do you get from a pampered cow","Spoiled milk" +"What do you call a group of transgender female superheroes","The Ex-Men" +"At work and my manager was reminding us our deadline to complete our computer-based Internet security class. A coworker asks, I'm swamped with work this week— what if I can't get around to it. Cutting my manager off I say, You'll be sleeping with the phishers, see","[five second pause—queue collective groan]" +"Does February march","No, but April may" +"You know, infinity war was only about 2 hours","I guess it ended in a snap" +"What's Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable","Barackoli" +"What do you call a snowman who has been working out at the gym","The Abdominable Snowman (Genuinely got this from my dad)" +"How many tickles does it take to tickle a squid","Tentickles" +"What's half of a hole","A smaller hole" +"One of my dad's more clever ones. Was on the phone with both of my parents today while sitting on my porch. An unidentified insect flies by so I ask my mother, Mom, how do you know if it's a Wasp","My dad replies, Well, is it carrying a Bible" +"What did the Nintendo say when congratulating the two male chefs","Super Mash Bros" +"Don't spell part backwards","It's a trap" +"When my wife was in labour, I tried to distract her by telling terrible jokes, but it didn’t work","It must have been the delivery" +"Two egotists started a fight. It was an I","for an I" +"So I was Dad joked in the parking lot So I just met a master jokester. The setting: I came out of work across the parking lot and a car comes at me. So I cross and I hear him go, 'youre walking too fast for this place' it's a 55+ community. So I walk over to talk to him and he goes 'what are you doin here your awfully young to be here' me: yeaah, I'm 10 years to young. I'm the new chef for your clubhouse' Him: 'youll be cooking for old men' Me: 'its a challenge' Him: 'well I don't want to keep you Me: 'im just picking my dad up from physical therapy' Him deadpan, 'well you might not want to do that' Me: why. Him dead serious: well, because he's got to be heavy Me:","I can't believe I just got grandpop joked Him: you better believe it" +"EVERY time we would go out to a fancy restaurant Maître d': Do you have reservations. Dad: No, we're pretty sure we want to eat here","[rest of us facepalm]" +"Sometimes I like to put my head between me legs and fall forward","But that's just how I roll" +"My wife got us all. At dinner we were talking about Kobe beef, and how expensive it was. I said that I would be quite nervous if I had to cook one","My son asked _why_, to which my wife replied _ the stakes are too high" +"What did daddy spider say to baby spider","You spend too much time on the web" +"Scientists got so bored of watching the. Earth spin","After 24 hours, they called it a day" +"Did you know they make a cologne that smells like rocket fuel. They call it. Elon","Musk." +"“Dad, do all European countries drive on the right","” Dad: Yes, the Brits left" +"What do you call a cow with no legs","Ground beef" +"Chips and Queso My mom just came back from Qdoba. She said I grabbed some chips n Queso. I replied in case of what","She rolled her eyes" +"Meals on flights","Does anyone else think they taste a bit plane" +"Have you heard about the blind priest","He's a Roamin' Catholic" +"Did you hear about the guy who got arrested for stealing hay","He made bale" +"Wanna know why I can't be buried in a cemetery","I'm still alive" +"A new strain of head lice is going around that is resistant to conventional treatments","This has left scientists scratching their heads" +"I've been letting my mustache fill out lately and I must say","it's growing on me" +"Dad talked to a zookeeper today. (At the new safari exhibit) Zookeeper: The zebras will be introduced to the giraffes next week. Dad: What are their names. Zookeeper: I don't think they have names yet. Dad: Well how are they supposed to introduce themselves","I just kept walking" +"What do you call a group of killer whales playing musical instruments","An orca-stra" +"What do you call the Greek God of regret","Apollogies" +"What do you call imported shredded cheese","ImmaGRATED cheese" +"Did you get into a fight. So a little back story, I work at a fitness center as a lifeguard. I'm on a pretty friendly basis with a lot of the regulars because the same group usually comes and swim laps around the same time. I usually like to joke with them as they come in, catch up, comment on new swim suits or haircuts or whatever. Anyway the joke, so a woman comes in wearing a new blue suit with black trim. I threw my hands up in the air and ask from across the pool, oh no. Did you get into a fight. When she looked at me confused, I then followed up with You're all black and blue. Her audible groan couldn't have been more perfectly timed","We had a good laugh after that though" +"What's it called when you love the same person your whole life","Romeostasis" +"Did you hear about the Spanish midget comedian who wasn’t very funny","He’s a bore-ito" +"Finally gave my dad a taste of his own medicine in the thrift store *Dad plugging in a vacuum at Goodwill to see if it works* Dad: I think this is a pretty decent vacuum for the price, what do you think","Me: Seems pretty sucky to me" +"I told my friends I had the power to sense bread from India when it was nearby. Do you know what they said","That's Naan sense" +"My Dad's valentine to my Mom today http://imgur","com/W0VhjH1" +"So an elderly couple of 60 want to have another child, They visit their doctor, who says, You're both healthy and work out, I don't think there'll be a problem. I need a sperm sample though. The elderly couple took the clear bottle home and brought it back the next day. The doctor holds the bottle up to the light and says, This bottle is empty sir. The elderly man replies, I tried it with my right hand and with my left hand, Ma tried it with her right hand and her left hand, with her teeth in and her teeth out","But no matter what we did, we couldn't get that lid off that bottle" +"Which type of dessert will come back and haunt you","A boo-meringue" +"I was fired from my job tending to the. Ferris wheel without any explanation","It was a funfair dismissal" +"Why don't I like coffee","Because it's not my cup of tea" +"One time,. I did a little stand up. And then","I sat back down." +"What's it called when a fish has a curved spine","SCALE-iosis" +"I just came second in my city's big bubble blowing competition. I came so close to winning but","I blew it" +"Sometimes, I'm the butt of the joke. We were walking around Home Depot and I tripped over a mop that had fallen, which brought down some items near me","Naturally, everyone within the vicinity looked at me and at this moment, my mother's boyfriend says: Just call her 'Grace'" +"An. Iraqi father gave his daughter a new purse. She said, thanks for the","Baghdad!" +"What's Pizza Ranch. My 12 year old son was riding with me the other day and noticed a new restaurant had just opened up in a town nearby. It's a chain of Western themed pizza restaurants called Pizza Ranch. So when my son asked What's Pizza Ranch","I obviously had to respond with Well that's where they raise all the dough" +"Dad jokes in Vegas We were playing video poker at the bar when one of the dads in the group excuses himself to go to his hotel room. Ten minutes later I get this text: I'm working on my own royal flush in room 970. Being that the group was made up of all dads, no eyes were rolled","Many belly laughs were had" +"Joke de père Im french-canadian. ^^ Hi ^^french-canadian, ^^im ^^dad ^^done. Im made an awesome dadjoke earlier but it is french. Im still gonna tell you, cause its awesome, but don't worrie, I'll explain it over and over and laugh doing it, because, after all, im a dad and the same rules apply, whatever the language. So, the mother was distributing cookies after the meal. One for the daughter, one for me and 2 for her. Doing it, she said le deuxième, c'est mon pourboire (the second is my tip) in french, tip is pourboire, but, if you separate the word like so pour boire it means for drinking . So, I said to her pour boire. Les biscuits, c'est pour manger. (for drinking. Cookies are for eating) HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHA. FUCK ME, ITS HILARIOUS. See, its a classic dadjoke in french and I still got her good. Pour boire. Ben non, c'est pour manger hahahahah. Cause you don't drink cookie, you eat it. Hahaha. So great. Eyes were rolling all over the place, I almost step on one. HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You got it, right. She said, the second cookie is my tip (le deuxième biscuit est mon pourboire) and I reply tip. Cookies are for eating. (Pour boire. Les biscuits, c'est pour manger) HAAHAHAHAHAHAHA","MAN, its funny as hell" +"A father began homeschooling his son A father began homeschooling his son and it was time to begin chemistry. The son asked, Dad, why are you teaching me chemistry","The father responded, Oh, I just thought it would be nice to have a little bonding time" +"My dad picked out a book on social media to read","And I said 'nah, I already reddit'" +"Air. Force. Two should have its name changed. To. Spare. Force","One" +"What is the meaning of life","That’s strange, I’ve never even heard of what" +"Why did Tatooine have two suns","To keep lukewarm" +"So someone robbed my bakery","This has happened before, but this really takes the cake" +"That's it guy's,. I'm packing up and moving to. Jeopardy","I'm not to sure where it is either but the news keeps saying there's good jobs there" +"What is a pirate's favorite letter. You'd think it would be Rrrrr","But his first love is always the C" +"Just sat with quarters in my ears for 10 minutes. My friend asked what I was doing. I said Listening to 50 cent","/r/DadJokes, you have ruined me" +"I let my family down. They dreamed of me becoming an accountant","had to explain to them I lost interest and decided to become a principle" +"Girlfriend spots me raiding the fridge: There's a man in the fridge","Me: He's just chilling out" +"Got my entire family at the BBQ So we're having a BBQ at the park, grilling hot dogs and stuff and my brother brought potato salad for everyone, but only brought one plastic fork. His wife asks if she can share it with him, and he says; Nope, I am going to burn it as soon as I use it so there's no favoritism. I say to him; Why burn it. Why not just throw it out in the street. Huh. Why would I do that. he says. Because bro, that's how you get the fork in the road. Groans and laughter were had by all","I was extremely proud of myself" +"As the man of the house, I always have the last word when my wife and I disagree about what to do","Usually it's something like yes dear" +"My wife doesn't like my rare penny collection","She says it lacks common cents" +"My five-year-old just asked me what my name is and I told him You know what my name is. He replied, Your name is 'You know what my name is'","I've never been prouder" +"Friend just dad-joked me The new Google logo irritated me and I was ranting to my friend. Me : Dude, the favicon is getting on my nerves. The yellow part is disproportionately small and I don't like it. Him : Its just a little change bro. Me : Too much change. I don't like too much change. Him : Then ask them to convert it into cash for you","*groan*" +"I always bring a ventriloquist dummy with me to job interviews","I think my resume speaks for itself" +"I'm starting a band called Blanket","It's a cover band" +"I got kicked out of the. Mime. Academy for performing unspeakable acts","Kind of glad they kicked me out because their curriculum made me feel boxed in" +"I want a gay son. http://imgur","com/gallery/QeW3gl4" +"a big moron and little moron were standing on the edge of a bridge when a gust of wind caused big moron to fall. Why didn't it push both of them off","Because the other one was a little moron" +"In two more years. In two more years the. Super. Bowl will be","LIV, not recorded." +"Did you hear about the SeaWorld trainer that was caught molesting the sea cows","He was arrested for crimes against huge manatees" +"What is Whitney Houston's Favorite Coordination","Hand eyyyyyyyyeeeeeeee" +"What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo","Ones heavy and the others a little litter" +"My dad got us good last night My girlfriend asked if we had any salad. My mom pulls out some kind of asian salad and some snowpeas. My girlfriend says oh, I love snowpeas","Then my dad says I like writing my name in the snow" +"We’ve all heard of Murphy’s Law, but have you heard of Cole’s Law","Well, it’s finely chopped bits of cabbage and carrots" +"What does the priest of the Vegetable Church say","Lettuce pray" +"A tree was getting bullied online","So he logged off" +"How does Moses make his coffee","Hebrews it" +"Did you hear the one about paper. Nevermind","It's tearable" +"After a long, hard day’s worth of work I love to wind down by watching low-effort zombie movies and tv shows","They’re all pretty brainless" +"I don’t often tell dad jokes,. But when","I do, he laughs" +"I am quite good at bowling","I believe that it is really up my alley" +"What’s Forest Gump’s Facebook password","1forest1" +"What do you do when your grandparents can't control their bowels anymore","Depends" +"They say you are what you eat","But I don't see any vegetables just walking around" +"What happens when you give furniture drugs","You get a high chair" +"Sneezed all over my toast","Can’t believe it snot butter" +"A woman in the shower hears the doorbell. It's the blind man . So she answers the door naked. Nice bewbs","Now where do you want me to hang the blind" +"I saw a cow for the first time yesterday","There it was in black and white" +"Boyfriend: I’ve come to ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage","Dad: You’ve got to take all of her or it’s no deal" +"Hi, I'm dad. (Found while catching up on a webcomic. ) [Here it is. ](http://www. cheerupemokid","com/comic/closet) I had quite the laugh" +"In the car with my girlfriend. So my girlfriend and I are driving in the car and she's talking about her roommates GF: And she can be a real prima donna Me: At least she's not a post-madonna","Cue groans :)" +"I delight in winding up my 12 year old daughter She utterly hates Dad jokes. This, naturally, only encourages me So, yesterday Me: Hey Princess. Did you hear they found some crazy insect on the moon. Her: This is a dad joke isn't it. Please get out of my room Me: No really","They're calling it a lunar-tic Her: OUT" +"A rare child free night, a fancy restaurant. Waiter tells us the wine he's pouring has strong tannins. I turn to my wife and tell her if the wine turns orange it's definitely a knock off. because of the fake tannin","I grin, she groans and drinks more wine" +"What do you call a can opener that doesn't work","a can't opener" +"My boss told me ‘this is the third time you’ve been late this week. You know what this means. ’ I said ‘…","It’s Wednesday" +"Why is the queens toilet so good at poker","It always gets royal flushes" +"Jane Foster will be allowed to wield Mjolnir because she and Thor have an understanding","They're in a polyhammerous relationship" +"So I'm at a bar with my friend the other day. Bartender comes over to get our drinks, we're both interested in hydrating to start off with and we order waters. Bartender asks if we want ice water or just water. We both say we'd like ice in our water. So then I say, well, you could say it's ice water squared","My buddy then lowers his head and says, Bro, they come cubed" +"I just found out. I was dating a communist","I should have noticed the red flags sooner" +"What do you call a crocodile that is a detective","An investi-gator" +"What did the one-eyed pirate say to his wife","I have no eye dear" +"I saw a piece of toast in a zoo enclosure today","It looked like it was bread in captivity" +"If you’re ever in prison, watch out for guy named Mitochondria","He’s the powerhouse of the cell" +"Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable","The wheelchair" +"Who calls balls and strikes at the annual Vatican softball game. The Holy Roman Umpire","sorry" +"As a child my dream was to design the perfect bar of soap","But somehow it just slipped away" +"My professor was teaching about the age of the earth. Professor: So one method of dating the earth is Radiometric Dating. What are some other methods that can be used to date the earth","Student: How about courtship" +"I just gave up trying to waterski","I couldn't find a lake with a slope on it" +"Dad joked by a friend at dinner last night. Friend: I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people. Me: Care to share. Friend: I don't know","None of them really work" +"Why did the employee quit his job at the sandpaper factory","It was rough" +"All apples are created equal. Wife: I don't like Granny Smith apples as much. Me: I only like green apples. What are we going to teach our kids. Wife: I don't know. Me: We'll teach them that we are an equal apple-tunity family. She laughed because she loves dad jokes","Happy Father's Day guys" +"What does DNA stand for","National dyslexic association" +"Before criticising someone you should always walk a mile in their shoes. That way you’ll be a mile away","And you’ll have their shoes." +"I hate that this made me laugh. https://imgur","com/gallery/U8XRlIx" +"My girlfriend's ex was a clown","I have some big shoes to fill" +"Why aren’t koalas considered bears","They don’t have the koalafications" +"My prof just pulled this groaner in class. The lecture was on urban birds and he was telling us about how Mozart had a pet starling that he loved so much he had a funeral for it after it died. Mozart even wrote a song for the starling immediately after it passed away","You could even say that when his pet died Mozart began composing just as the bird began decomposing" +"Like sex on a dolphin Coworker to me: Did you mean to do that. Me: Like having sex on top of a dolphin. Coworker: WTF. Me: You know, I did it on porpoise. Crickets. Edit: My son is only 4 so I'll be saving this one for when hes a little older Edit:Edit: Yes I know a dolphin isnt a porpoise. You obviously got the joke to point that out, it has innacuracies and bad puns yet you get it. Double groan which is the goal of a dad joke. First post ever and I hate you Reddit for not recognizing my dad joke original brilliance","Yeah I might rage quit dad jokes on my first post ever which is about sex on a dolphin" +"I bought my wife some headache tablets","But they didn't give her one" +"Did you know french fries weren't actually cooked in France","They were cooked in Greece" +"Dadjoked My Dad Last Night I was eating with my folks last night. My dad wants to split a margarita with my mom. So he asks the waitress if he can order one. She then tells him that the freezing machine is down and he can't have one. I said, Well that's not cool. The waitress rolls her eyes, and a tear streams down my dads face as he congratulates me on the joke","I've never been so proud" +"My wife texted me to ask if I was still sleeping. No, I'm investigating the bed. I suspect it has committed a crime and I'm on a stake out","Don't tell anyone though, because I'm under covers" +"What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday","Aye, matey" +"I knew my 3 year old would grow up to be an artist","I saw the writing on the walls" +"I can understand why French bakers hate me","I feel their pain" +"Jokingly told my fiancée that I want to change my name. Her: To what. Me: I don’t know yet Her: That sounds nice","What nationality is that" +"Hey, wanna hear something funny","Something funny" +"My friend Charles disappeared from our lives for years and after he came back, he insists we call him Harles","Because long time no C" +"Why did everyone think Mufasa was a flower","He was a daddy lion" +"Popped a dad joke while playing an online game with friends I was playing a game of heroes of the storm with friends. We played a map where the objective is to grow a giant plant to attack the enemies base. My friend commented I am really starting to like this map. I said in return Yeah, it's really starting to grow on me","Of course I was promptly told to shut up by my friend" +"There's nothing quite like a broken drum","You can't beat it." +"NSFW Why did the guitar teacher get arrested","For fingering a minor" +"What's blue and smell like a red paint","Blue paint" +"Where do sick boats go to get better. To the dock. Heard it this morning on the Irish classic fm","Loved it" +"I used to breed rabbits but it got out of control","It was a hare raising experience" +"I got in a car accident last week and things have just been really tough. They can’t find any parts for it because the manufacturer went out of business a few years ago and not having a vehicle is really putting a strain on my work and family. It’s just a lot to handle","Sorry for the Saab story" +"I was trying to give my son a lesson on averages the other day,. He stood up halfway through and said Dad,","I really don't know what you mean." +"Moving supply store My wife, her dad, and I were in the car the other day. As we drove by a store that advertised moving supplies, her dad said I wonder how they keep the supplies moving all of the time. Well if they weren't moving, it would be a stationery supply store I replied","I still remember the groan from my wife in the back seat" +"Canada is planning a mission to the moon. We're calling our spaceship the","Apollo-G." +"Why do Danish warships have barcodes on the side of them","So they can Scandinavian" +"What are your thoughts on sky-diving","Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby" +"Artists are good fights","They can draw any weapon they want" +"At Mad Max last weekend. The scene where Max is grabbed by the Pole Cat, http://cdn. collider. com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/mad-max-fury-road-image-the-war-rig. jpg and ends up getting dumped onto the car with the drums and guitar guy http://i. guim. uk/static/w-620/h--/q-95/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2015/3/31/1427821675682/5e25da37-61d7-44fd-a9a3-b2f5b8b5a791-620x372. jpeg I leaned over to my GF and said It looks like he's jumped onto","the bandwagon She totally lost it :)" +"How do scientists fight","Periodically" +"What do you call a psychic midget that escaped from prison","A small medium at large" +"What is a cannibal's favorite part of a party","The finger food" +"What do you call a bitter German","A sauerkraut" +"The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines","It’s always the centre of a tension" +"What's the difference between a snow-man and a snow-woman","Snow-balls" +"I’m thinking about switching jobs. I think working in a mirror factory is something","I could see myself doing." +"All dad jokes are dead, but","Does that make them zombie jokes" +"First time poster be gentle. If this is in here somewhere I’m sorry. What do you call a cow with a twitch","Beef jerky" +"I used to collect crash mats","I don’t anymore, but it’s nice to have something to fall back on." +"After seeing a palm reader, I gave him my money. He held the note up to the light and frowned. This is fake, he said","I said, Now you know what it feels like" +"Got my mom yesterday I was at a restaurant with my family, when my mom asked me do you want a roll. so I responded with no thanks, I'll just sit here","It took her a second, but I made my dad proud" +"a man gets reconstructive surgery on his ear. what does the doc say","happy new ear" +"Brushing my teeth with my wife You really do look like your mother. She spits. How so. You're just the spitting image of your mother","Got her" +"I googled the phrase missing medieval servant","It came back with page not found" +"How do Jedi eat spaghetti","They use the forks" +"how did the astronaut die","exposure to Mercury" +"What has five fingers but isnt ur hand","My hand" +"I broke one of my fingers at work today","On the other hand everything is okay" +"What do you call a dinosaur from Canada","A Torontosaurus Rex" +"Today. I saw the biggest. Thot. I have ever seen. Yeah, the","Egyptian museum had a huge statue of him." +"I don't don't know what Range eggs are","But they're free" +"Wife dadjoked me last night. We decided we needed to buy a new cordless screwdriver, so she was asking me where I was going to buy it from. I'm flying out of the country today for work, leaving her at home with 3 kids for 3 weeks. I said, I'll just buy one when I get back, unless you need it. She said, Nope","I won't have time for screwing around" +"Worst prom night ever I had to wait in line to get flowers for my date, then I had to wait forever to get a limo. When my date and I finally got to the dance there was a super long line for tickets. When we finally got in she asked me to get her a class of punch","I went over there but there was no punchline" +"Procrastination joke","I'll think of it later." +"Happy. Easter from my dad","He wants us all to remember that, on this joyful day, children are dyeing." +"I Dadjoked my parents so badly, my dad didn't get it at first. Background: last night we had a random insurgence of ants invade our bathroom. We successfully killed most of them with spray and bait, but it left tiny ant carcasses all over the bathroom floor. This morning my mom cleaned the entire bathroom leaving it spotless. Mom and dad are now relaxing in the living room after mom has cleaned the bathroom: Me: mom, I really appreciate your cleaning the bathroom, but now our whole family is going to get sick. Mom: why. Me: you got rid of all our anti-bodies Mom groans, I give her a huge grin","My dad didn't get it at first, but after my mom explained it he groaned and said I'm proud I raised a daughter with such a great sense of humor" +"I accidentally left the tag on my hat and now. I need to flee","There is a price on my head, after all." +"Classic chain of dadjokes (no puns: What animal can fly and eats stones. the flying stone eater. How does an elephant come out of a river. Wet. How do you stuff a giraffe inside a fridge. You open the fridge door, you put the giraffe inside and you close the fridge door. How long does it take for a rock from the top of the Eiffel tower to fall to the ground. It doesn't, because the flying stone eater eats it. What's green and smells like blue paint. Green paint. What's white and can't climb trees. A fridge. What's white on the outside, yellow on the inside, and can't climb trees. The fridge with the giraffe inside. What's brown and sticky. A stick. What's green, 40 feet long and hangs from trees. Elephant snot. What's wet and has wheels","The elephant from the river, I lied about the wheels" +"Two fish are sitting in a tank Two fish are sitting in a tank","One looks over at the other and says: Hey, do you know how to drive this thing" +"Everybody told. Sam not to sing,. But","Samsung anyways" +"whats father christmas' favourite drug","coke" +"Got a twofer on the wife today. Driving into work, we see a vehicle with stickers for oars/boats on it placed in a horizontal manner. Wife: Looks like that guy likes to row. Me: Huh. I prefer columns myself. Wife: (groan) So, you like to column. Me: Yeah, on the phone. I leave a message if I can't get a hold of 'em. Wife: (GROAN) You're the worst","but I love you" +"Co-worker got me today It's around 1:00 and I'm trying to get some online training done at work, but some of my training isn't available until quarter 2. Me: hey, when does quarter 2 start","Him: about 45 minutes" +"My doctor said my constant diarrhea was a problem caused by genetics","It runs in my genes" +"Never trust a big tree","They're always shady" +"My doctor said","I caught a virus from my computer it's terminal" +"Musical dad joke I was in the car listening to the radio and my sister asks who is billy Jean anyway and my dad says Oh she's just a girl","I laughed" +"Did you hear about the Mexican who robbed a train","Police say he had a loco motive" +"Most literal dad joke So I'm in the car with my girlfriend and her family. (Mind you I am 17 but a dad joke king) I was still getting to know her dad and a bit scared of him still. He's a nice guy but I hadn't bonded with him much yet, so I jumped on the opportunity to make a dad joke. (I don't remember what it was exactly) And he loved it and laughed pretty hard. At this point, my girlfriend turns to me and says, He loved that. Keep saying dad jokes. I looked her in the eyes for a couple seconds and she seemed confused until I slowly repeat, Dad jokes. Dad jokes. Dad jokes","This earned me a swift punch to the shoulder" +"I was going to tell you a joke about cattle","But you probably have herd it before" +"A. Girl takes a. Pregnancy. Test, then looks her. Boyfriend dead in the eyes and says:. Your. Kid in","Me" +"No one yet knows how the fire at. Notre. Dane started, but","Quasimodo has a hunch" +"I dad joked my cousin on fb messenger. She hasn't replied since that last message. http://imgur. com/6NGbMAy My cousin: where's the punchline. XD Me: Probably by the other drink lines Her: what xD Me: (fruit) Punch is a drink. I made a dad joke Her: oh my lord Me: yup","Her: xD Me: Also, you don't have to call me your lord" +"Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships","So when the come back to port they can Scandinavian" +"Dadjoked my father-in-law Father-in-law gets out of the shower, says to my husband, You're up. I reply, Asia. :::crickets::: I add, Oh, I thought we were just saying names of continents","The look of jealous contempt from my FIL was priceless" +"I looked in the mirror this morning and realized. I get better looking every day. Becasue there's no way","I can get any uglier" +"A pre-surgical trans man goes to the doctor Doc: “Have you had any surgeries. ” F2M: “Yes. I had appendicitis. ” Doc: “Ah. Appendectomy. How can I help you today","” F2M: “Addadicktome" +"What key that you can eat","A tur-key" +"What do you call a magical bra","An abracadabra" +"I asked the lion in my wardrobe what he was doing there","He said Narnia business" +"Me and my friend were talking in Pirate accents while at the beach. My Dad walks up saying, QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ. Oh wait","are we not saying our favorite letters" +"A bit late, but I dadjoked my dad for April Fools. http://imgur","com/a/nJiFL" +"With no relevant experience, I got a job at my dream company. However it ended with a trip to the hospital","I somehow got my foot in the door" +"My wife asked me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We had a couple drinks and it turns out he's pretty cool","Wants to get into web development" +"Too many people like cats","Even the pope is a cat holic" +"What’s the opposite of a meme","A youyou" +"What's the difference between a mung bean and a chickpea","Donald Trump has never had a mung bean on his face" +"My sister in law dad joked my brother. Brother to his wife: Colleen just called, Sister in law: What was she Colleen for","Laughter ensued" +"What is a cats favorite breakfast food","Mice Krispies" +"Leftovers So I was getting ready to throw away my son's uneaten tater tots and he wanted me to save them for later. I said that would make them 'later' tots","I laughed at my own joke for the next 5 minutes" +"Gregor Mendel never finished any of his work","That's right, No punnett ended" +"Scientist have just found out that. Jupiter does not experience earthquakes","It experience jupiterquakes" +"I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high","She looked surprised." +"Why do lesbians shop at Cabelas","Because they hate Dicks" +"I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11 At first I was worried I would be labeled a thief","But it was just a spare, I guess" +"What do you call the German game where you throw bread at each other","Gluten-Tag" +"Why couldn't Aquaman get into the best university in Atlantis","He was a C student at best" +"I love when my drink complements my food. (x-post from r/funny) I am dad, I drew this. http://i. imgur. com/c46sobB","jpg" +"Why did the fish go into debt","Because he got caught up in a pond-zi scheme" +"I took a poll recently","and 100% of strippers were furious they had nothing to dance on" +"Why do riot police arrive early to the protests. so they can beat the crowds. Edit: Wow, this is now my second highest upvoted post ever, and it's not even my own joke. Totally should have credited the video I saw this in: https://www. reddit. com/r/PublicFreakout/comments/h8btkp/protester_has_a_joke_for_the_police_officers/","utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf Thanks for the laughs and great comment threads, Reddit :)" +"I wondered why the ball was getting closer","Then it hit me" +"Every. Single. Time. It doesn't matter who's around, what we're doing, or where we are. My phone will buzz from a text or notification when we're around each other, and before I can even utter a single sound, I hear those same three words from him: It's for you. GRRR I know it's for me","Who else would it be for" +"What part of the body dies last. The pupils","because they dilate" +"My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it… We went and had some drinks. Cool guy","Wants to be a web developer" +"Making leather is easy","Some say it's pretty cut and dry" +"This morning a criminal broke into the dog rescue center and released all the dogs","The police are still​ desperately looking for any leads" +"Last night I watched the uncut version of Scarface","It's just called Face" +"Is your name Michael. Yes or No. Thank you for your participation","I'm doing a Mike Check" +"My wife is two years older than me","But in 5 years we'll be the same age, I'll be thirty and she'll be thirty too" +"I ordered 2000 pounds of Chinese soup","It was won ton" +"Dad and I went to Swiss Chalet. I ordered a Quarter Chicken Dinner, he said I'll have the usual","We've never been there before" +"Nearly dying in the hospital. Mom: How are you feeling hunny. Dad: With my hands","*Insert jazz hands here*" +"I used to be in a band called 'Gig. Cancelled'","We didn't get big crowds." +"Have you ever heard of the movie constipation","It never came out" +"Recently got a job as a waiter","It’s not great, but it puts food on the table" +"Road block. A truck carrying. Vicks. Vapour. Rub has spilt its load on the. Freeway","Police are warning of no congestion for up to 8 hours." +"No one will go to Subway with me anymore I always order a Spicy Italian on Herb and Cheese bread","It's so much better than rural cheese" +"I hate negative numbers","I will stop at nothing to avoid them" +"How does a mathematician plough his fields","With a protractor" +"Step dad's ugly Christmas sweater http://imgur. com/2qEvhzq","jpg" +"What does a painter do when he gets cold","He puts another coat on" +"Weather you like it or not,","Posts with mistakes in the title will grab your attention" +"I can't tell dad jokes Because he's not here","I'll tell him when he's back though" +"I went to see a mime improv the other day and the performance was spectacular","It goes without saying" +"I asked my dad to turn to turn the lights off as he left the room","he said that would be delightful" +"I've gotten to the age when young people don't recognize my song lyric references anymore","Well I guess this is growing up" +"Why can’t two elephants swim at the same time","They only have one pair of trunks" +"Do you know how many cows are Russian","Bruh, Moscows are Russian" +"A subject and a verb walk into a bar and have a disagreement","They walks out" +"My Dad finally said something worth sharing. Me: So I'll see you tomorrow morning around 8:15","Dad: Yup, be there or be an equilateral quadrilateral" +"Why couldn't the bike stand up","Because it was two tired" +"My store is giving away a first aid bag with the purchase of 3 health items","The health items aren’t much, but the bag is a big plus" +"I told my students they would have a test tomorrow. Student: How big is the test","Me: eight and a half by eleven" +"Everytime I wash my contacts in water it makes my eyes sting","If only there was a solution" +"Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie","He was too far out, man" +"An egg walks into a restaurant. He asks the cashier: _ Can I have a hamburger. _ The cashier says _ I'm sorry, we don't serve breakfast","_ _______ I remember that joke from somewhere" +"Son, have I ever told you the story of how Canada got it's name. First, someone said, I think it should have a C, eh. Then another guy said, I think it should have an N, eh","Then a third guy said, I think it should have a D, eh" +"Why am I banned from owning a truck and a donkey at the same time","I was hauling ass" +"I scored 301 in bowling the other day","You wouldn't expect me to score 300 and lose would you" +"How do farmers party","They turnip the beets" +"So, I ate this chess set. It was horrible. I took it back to the shop. I said This is stale, mate. He said Are you sure","I said Check, mate" +"What's brown and rhymes with Snoop. Dr","Dre" +"My girlfriend was shopping for baby clothes She shows me a onesie with aeroplanes all over it. 'What do you think about this one' 'Eh i think it's a bit plane' 'Why is it","' cue eyeroll and groan" +"My wife was letting her bread dough rest even though she forgot to add yeast","I told her she was only postponing the unleavenable" +"Nothing is made in the US anymore","I just went TV shopping, and they all said Built in Antenna" +"Why did the chicken fall into a well","Because he couldn't see that well" +"How does SpaceX ensure a successful mission","They Planet" +"I’m not addicted to cocaine","I just like the way it smells" +"A mechanic is working late one night when a man walks into his shop. Man: Can you help me. I think I'm a moth. Mechanic: I'm a mechanic. You need a psychiatrist. Man: Yeah, I know. Mechanic: Well, why did you come here then","Man: Your light was on" +"What's a midwesterner's favorite kind of drug","Ope-iates" +"Someone made a genocide joke in the office today. Co-worker: Was that a genocide joke","Joker: Yes, genocide jokes kill" +"A duck walks into a bar and asks, Got any grapes. The bartender, confused, tells the duck no, so the duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, Got any grapes. Again, the bartender tells him, No, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, Listen, duck. This is a bar. We do not serve grapes. If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar. The duck is silent for a moment and then asks, Got any nails. Confused, the bartender says no. Good. says the duck","Got any grapes" +"My step-dad just got my mom. Him - How many jihadists does it take to change a light bulb. Mom - ugh","Him - Allah them" +"Proud Dad Moment Last month, a guy in Cincinnati stole a salt truck and led police on a 30 minute chase. (true story) At one point he tried to dump the load of salt on a police car. I told my teenage daughter this and she looked at me with a straight face and said “I guess they’re going to arrest him for assaulting an officer. ” 😁 Never been prouder of my daughter","😎" +"Whenever my dad goes to a drive thru restaurant he always makes a point to say That's togo please","Cracks me up every time" +"Dad makes dad joke, mom makes it worse. Back in high school I had my first boyfriend. Of course, the parents wanted to meet him so I invited him over for dinner. Parents thought that chicken would be a good meal so my dad grills a bunch of chicken. It’s almost dinner time and everything is going well between the parents and the boyfriend. I run to the bathroom to wash-up before dinner. Come out of the bathroom, my dad’s back to me, he’s talking to the boyfriend. **Dad:** So Boyfriend, do you like breasts. Me standing there horrified. Boyfriend looks from me back to my father. **Boyfriend:** I’m not sure there’s a right answer to that. **Mom:** Are you into white meat or dark meat. **Boyfriend:** I’m not sure there’s a right answer to that either. Dad turns round, holding plate piled high with chicken","**Dad:** Yeah, he passes the test" +"Which President is the least guilty. Lincoln","He’s in a cent" +"What do you call a valuable donkey","An asset" +"What is a teenager yak doing locked in his room","Probably just yacking off" +"What do you call a single peice of corn","A Unicorn" +"I don't tell dad jokes often, but when","I do he laughs." +"Krispy Kreme Dad Joke My father and I went to Krispy Kreme after a hard workout (I know counter-productive) because the hot donut light was on and those hot glazed donuts are hard to resist. Just coming from the gym and looking all sweaty and buff, the girl behind the counter says Wow, are you guys boxers. My dad's eyes instantly light up as he says No. You are. You're boxing our donuts. She gave us the you guys are not funny death stare to which I exclaimed what, you Donut look happy. She finished our transaction and didn't say another word. We laughed like idiots all the way home","It was the un-planned spontaneity of it that made it so funny" +"What do you call a mouse that swears","A cursor" +"What did kids do before the internet. I asked my parents and 26 brothers and sisters","They didn't know either" +"My dad hit me with this one today. We had just gotten back from a long day's bike ride, when I noticed that the tree in front of our apartment building had been cut down in our absence. I turned to my dad asking him if he knew about this. Without missing a beat he replies, I don't know, I'm stumped","He didn't let me leave until I fist bumped him twice" +"Viagra versus Cialis","That’s a stiff competition" +"I'm on a plane and the lunch choices are: white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I'm seated in the last row","I'm hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst" +"What do you call a snake that is exactly 3. 14 meters long","A pi-thon" +"Why do doctors make us wait at the hospital","Because we’re patient" +"If you ever get a really bad haircut, don't worry","Eventually it'll grow on you" +"The Navy sent the wrong men to the bottom of the ocean. Oops","Wrong sub" +"I met a group of chill. Russians the other day. They call themselves the Sobiet","Union" +"Cop cars are great if your phone dies. Most of them are","Chargers" +"Dad tried cooking meat but he accidentally burned it","Dad made a huge misteak" +"I dadjoked my students today, pretty proud of it actually. I am a teacher, I teach history first semester and economics second semester. One student was upset about having so many graphs to understand and learn how to use. St: I'm ok with memorizing everything about history, I'm ok figuring out how wars started and ended, but graphs. Me: graphs is where you draw the line huh. A five on the sighsmograph. Beautiful","Edit: spelling" +"Photo of police officer breastfeeding a stranger's hungry infant is warming hearts around the world","After the feeding she couldn't get the baby to sleep so she charged it with resisting a rest" +"What did the sushi say to the bee","Wasabi" +"Two silk worms were in a race","It ended in a tie" +"What's a horse's favorite wine","Chardonneeeeiiigh" +"What do you call wireless headphones you give to your kids","Heirpods" +"Why Doesn’t Ed Have A Girlfriend","Because Sheeran" +"Why do birds have tail feathers","To cover their buttquacks" +"My wife wanted me to be there for her operation to provide moral support","I told her she should probably talk to a priest instead." +"Can you explain this gap in your résumé","Me: I fell asleep on the space key" +"Want to hear a joke about paper","Nevermind it's tearable" +"I went to the bookstore and asked an employee, “Do you have anything by Shakespeare. ” He said, “Of course. Which one","” Me: “William" +"Of course this car isn't voice controlled","It goes without saying!" +"I have been in the market for a new car. (xpost from r/pics) I saw one on the road today that I could really [see myself in](https://i. imgur. com/a5d2pzp","jpg)" +"So. I was shopping for cheap antonyms","But they were all expensive" +"Why are cannibals afraid of being late to the party","Because they’re afraid of getting the cold shoulder" +"I really miss being around the trees","I'm just pine-ing for the forest" +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon. Great food, no atmosphere source; zhttps://www. instagram. com/p/BjewX90g6tj/","hl=nl&taken-by=jojothegamingdad" +"What is the least spoken language in the world","Sign language" +"How do you find Will Smith in the snow","Look for some fresh prints" +"The elevator inspector’s job is very interesting","It has its ups and downs" +"My physics teacher made a dad joke. I asked What's relative velocity","He replied It's when your uncle runs faster than you" +"My parents were helping me move. We had to go to shopping soon before the store closed. My mom was bubble wrapping some glasses when my dad said impatiently, hey honey, why don't you wrap it up already","and gave me a little smile" +"What's the most spectacular part of the human body","The lungs, they're breathtaking" +"What did E. 's father say to him when he got home","Where on Earth have you been" +"A number fell into a pit","and became a whole number" +"At a restaurant. The waiter brought me my steak meal. I said I think you made a mis-**steak**","I ordered mine well done" +"I'd you ever need to get in touch with a bike company","Ask for the spokesman" +"Well if I don't. Driving to airport 45 mins away: Driver - Remind me to stop for gas before we get too far Me - Well if I don't, the car will","" +"I've never played a musical instrument. Only the didgeridoo. But dad, the didgeridoo is an instrument","Yes son, but it isn't musical" +"Someone broke into my garage and stole the limbo stick. Like","Seriously, how low can you go?" +"I dated a girl with a lazy eye once","Turns out she was seeing someone on the side" +"What do you call a cow laying down. Ground Beef",":)" +"I don't always tell dad jokes but when","I do, he laughs" +"What do you call a midget's autobiography","A short story" +"Ugh, the fog's rolling back in again","I guess it mist me" +"Got my nephew pretty good a couple weeks back. We were at my Grandfathers funeral and we were discussing seating. His mom was explaining to him when we'd leave the lobby to sit down. Grandpa's kids go in first up front, you'll be sitting with Uncle /u/Varykia and I with the rest of the Grandchildren But aren't I a Great-Grandchild. My nephew questioned I interrupted Well no, you're an OK Grandchild He wasn't so happy about that, my sister scoffed and it gave my mom a chuckle. So it was definitely worth it","Sorry is formatting is arse, I'm on mobile" +"My dad decided to get clever in the cemetery this Christmas Eve. We just visited the cemetery to visit my great grandfather's grave, and all the headstones have Christmas wreaths on them because it's a national cemetery (military). Someone asked well I wonder who lays all these wreaths out here. My dad replied, The Grim Wreather","We all laughed as my mom hit him on the arm and said he was terrible" +"My dad bought a plug-in electric car and a gas-guzzling muscle car on the same day","He told me he thought that with a battery-powered car it would be a good idea to have a Charger as well" +"A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them. It's ok, he says. They're benign","The pirate replies Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten" +"Where's my John Daniels. John Daniels. Yeah, where is it. John. Yeah Don't you mean Jack. . when you've known him as long as I have son, you can call him John","&#x200B; Bless Al Pacino" +"I don't like alcohol, but my friend recommended something special, so he poured me a tiny glass","I figured I'd give it a shot" +"Juan's friends and family always tell him how to live his life, but he's been doing some solitary soul searching. Because it takes. Juan to know","Juan" +"Why did the herbalist quit her job","She didn't have enough thyme" +"Where do astronauts go to drink. The spacebar. What are their favorite drinks","Cosmos" +"How do you think the the unthinkable","With an itheberg" +"Do you know the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts","Beer nuts are a dollar fifty, deer nuts are under a buck" +"Have you heard about the new movie “Constipation”","It hasn’t come out yet" +"I'm a better musician than I am a fisherman. Mind helping me clean these bluegill. No problemo. Ya know, nephew","all your time devoted to music paid off because you are really good at handling scales" +"What did the sushi say to the bee","Wasabi :)" +"Got my sister pretty well. She asked my mom, if I call Monday, do you think I can get a hair appointment","I replied, I don't know why you would call Monday, but if you call a hair salon, then you could get an appointment" +"On a street demonstration outside MIT -What do we want. A time machine. -When do we want it","It doesn't matter" +"Did you know there is a distinct difference between the bird flu and swine flu","One requires tweetment while the other you'll need oinkment" +"What do you call a broken boomerang","A stick" +"I asked my dad what he was drinking…. He said. Tequila…. Tequila","Mockingbird…" +"Me: How did Napoleon die. History teacher wife: I think he was slowly poisoned. Me: WRONG. He was blown-apart","*Sleeps on the couch tonight*" +"I don’t know what a ceratops is","but I know my favorite dinosaur has three of them" +"Shoe stores can't be trusted","Something is always afoot there" +"Why do you always want to live next to a horse","Because a horse is always a good NEIGH-bor" +"My first legit dadjoke Our daughter is four months old. The other day while my wife and I are laying in bed and she's trying to sleep while I am still redditing: Her: can you dim your phone. It's bright Me: well, it is a *smart* phone, after all I giggled, she sighed","I'm so proud" +"A symphony of groan. At the dinner table. Mother in law: . he has recently had two surgeries to fuse his lower vertebrae, his recovery has been quite slow Me: Well I would expect nothing less after having back to back operations","after about 4 seconds people started leaving the table" +"What do you call a bear caught in the rain","A drizzly bear" +"There used to be a joke shop in my town that sold these. http://imgur. com/a/eR6o7 Never did buy one","Now I wonder if I'll ever get a round tuit" +"If you are going to attack a group of clowns","Go for the juggler." +"My boyfriend (who is a young dad) made a Reddit dad joke. He kinda knows what reddit is, but he always sees me on it. He saw me looking at the Kermit the Frog meme. Him: Is that Kermit. Me: Yeah. Him: Hes on Reddit. Me: Yeah. Him: Shouldn't he be on Ribbit","LOLOL" +"Did you hear about the teacher who carelessly assigned every student a good grade, regardless of their actual work","She gave zero F’s" +"I don't thank people anymore","I just say sin(q)/cos(q)" +"What were Steven Hawking’s final words","Windows 7 is shutting down" +"What’s Forrest Gump’s reddit password","1forrest1" +"What's Gordon Ramsay's favorite sub","its r/aww" +"Did you hear that less toys have been made this year in Santa’s workshop","Many of his workers had to Elf Isolate" +"I thought I’d go as a Band-Aid this Halloween, but then decided not to","I think it’ll be hard to pull off" +"What do you call a Latino midget. Paragraph","too short to be an ese" +"In the future it will be possible to incubate humans in artificial uteri. If you want yours in the one by the window, it will be more expensive","After all, it always costs more for a womb with a view" +"You'll be buried with small pupils if you pass away before dusk","But not if you die late" +"Did you hear about the free roof","It’s on the house" +"What do you call an alligator on. Instagram","An instagator" +"Did you hear about the pirates who started the ear piercing shop","it costs a buck-an-ear" +"So far,. Humpty. Dumpty is having a terrible winter","Which sucks because he had a great fall." +"Can we take a moment to appreciate a father of dad jokes. Tim Vine https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=00dFzPbzOws" +"if you water water everyday","it grows" +"The joke my dad used to tell us all the time when we were young Me: what time is it","Dad: the same time it was now yesterday And then proceeds with a smile like he gave all the information I need" +"I don't know why. Toad isn't the main character in the. Mario universe","He's a fun guy!" +"In Heinz sight, the sign wasn't a great idea. https://i. imgur. com/4p6xf5X","jpg" +"My partner makes me speak a certain phrase before I can look her in the eye","She calls it her wife eye password" +"I'd like to thank my legs for always supporting me, my arms for always being by my side and my fingers","I could always count on them" +"Dad joke vs Rush Hour Takes from a WhatsApp group chat- Mum: Running late bus has broken down on the motorway","Dad: You should have taken the car" +"A blind person walks into a bar","And a table And a chair" +"What do you call a gun made of gelatin that is owned illegally","a congealed weapon" +"I like my women like I like my bath water","Hot, soft, and bubbly" +"I had a spiritual awakening at the dentist","It was a trance and dental experience" +"My good friend drowned while at the beach last month. I tearfully placed a life preserver on his coffin at the funeral","It's what he would've wanted" +"My son was in a terrible car accident. I happened to pass it on my way home from work and like any good father I immediately pulled my son from the wreckage and called 911. After a few moments my son said, Dad. I'm dying","So I squeezed his hand, looked him straight in the eyes and said, It's nice to meet you Dying, I'm Dad" +"Took a lil drive while turkey was cooking today. We stopped at a convenience station for a snack. Wife was paying for the stuff when the cashier asked Do you have gas. Norma said No , I immediately said She was asking if you farted Cashier was stone faced. Norma gave me The look and lady next to us cracked up","I won" +"A tourist who visited. France died a gruesome death. He really shouldn’t have gone to the. Eiffel","Tower" +"The hairdresser said she needed to cut my hair wet","I don't know why she had to be aroused" +"If my luggage was full of German sausages","that would be the wurst case scenario" +"What’s orange and sounds like a parrot","A carrot" +"double time my dad was telling me about my brother's new Sony Smartwatch when my mom said: the problem is, Sarah (brother's girlfriend) bought him a beautiful expensive watch for his birthday, and guess which one he wants to wear. Not the one he should be wearing","Dad: He's double timing her" +"Dad: I'm getting you a car for your birthday - Daughter: Nothing would please me more, daddy","Dad: *Gets her nothing instead*" +"I picked up that new console my kids've been begging for on my way home from work today. I put it down before leaving the store, though","Wouldn't want to get into the habit of shoplifting" +"If you get an email from me about tinned ham, delete it","It's spam" +"What do you say to your sister when she’s crying","Are you having a crisis" +"Firstborn Arrival Imminent Alright r/dadjokes we've been at the hospital for about 16 hours and it's getting close to pushing time","Would you be kind enough to share your best material for a very soon to be first time father" +"What drink does a frog order at the bar","A mo-squito" +"The first time I bought a universal remote control","I thought to myself This changes everything" +"When you’re diurnal, the difference between sleeping and being awake is like","Night and day" +"Why do seals swim in salt water","Pepper water makes them sneeze" +"My 3yr dad joked me 3yr - What is that. Dad - Mail 3yr - No, those are letters Dad - (Look to my wife in approval) Yes those are letters. 3yr - He starts reading each letter on the envelope","L-I-M-I-T-E-D O-F-F-E-R" +"What do you call a shoe made out of a banana","A slipper" +"What do you call someone who only eats white rice","Ricist" +"Where do lonely tv’s like to go","A remote island" +"Q) What do you call a deer with no eyes. A) No idea. Q) What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs","A) still no idea" +"Wife was decorating the house for the fall I never know what to put on the fireplace mantle. You should put a bunch of Disney figurines on it, with the mouse in the middle. it can be the Mickey Mantle. I","need to go vomit" +"Saw this gem on my friend's FB feed, and I just knew that it belongs here :) If I were a salesman, I would name my car a simple name: Dable. Why you might ask. 'Cause if I want to sell it, I'll have this tag line ready: It is a Ford Dable","(affordable)" +"What was the name of Hitler's favorite dog","Grrrrrrrrbbels" +"The nurse tells the doctor: There's an invisible man in the waiting room","The doctor replies: Tell him I can't see him now" +"That poor, poor cashier… I went grocery shopping, and picked up some shampoo and conditioner. At checkout, the cashier hands me a coupon with my receipt. >Cashier: Oh hey, that coupon's valid for the same shampoo you just bought. >Me: Cool, I guess I better *hairy* up and finish these, then",">Cashier: … Anyway, I'm banned from that grocery store now" +"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh","Tentacles" +"Do you think. Quaker calls their delivery fleet. Haulin'","Oats?" +"Dad why do you watch things in slow motion","It never gets old" +"What is the difference between an Oscar Meyer weiner and Pac-Man","One is a hot dog and the other is a dot hog" +"What’s Forrest Gump’s email password","1Forrest1" +"Why are pirates such good businessmen","Because they know how to raise their sails" +"How rude of those people who wait in line for. Vietnamese soup","It amounts to one giant pho queue." +"She has a lot of patience. A load of bull. http://imgur","com/a/QHFTR" +"I was going to make a joke about fighting. But","I couldn’t think of a good punchline" +"I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide","This is no laughing matter" +"Someone asked me to name 2 structures that hold water","I was like, well damn" +"What do you get when you cross a chicken and a millipede","Drumsticks for everyone" +"My dog Minton has eaten all of my shuttlecocks","Badminton" +"CBS News anchor just nailed a dad joke","NASA announced today that it has space for new astronauts" +"Just read an article about the top ten exposed electrical circuits","One through ten will shock you" +"What does a Mexican cow call his friends","Moochachos" +"Why can wheelchair bound people survive underwater","because sharks don't eat vegetables" +"Dad please. Me: Remember that crazy storm we had when we were camping in tents","Dad: Yeah it was in tents" +"If you work security at Samsung Does that make you a guardian of the Galaxy","My kid was in stitches when he told us this one" +"What happens when you eat a roll of aluminum foil","You sheet metal" +"How does one math student say goodbye to another math student. Calc-u-later. See. you know it's a dad joke when the shit-eating grin spreads across your face when you come up with the joke and doesn't fade after all your children roll their eyes at you. after you tell it for the fourth time","in a row" +"Got my co-worker with a twofer We had been standing for quite a while outdoors: Her: my back hurts, it makes me feel ancient. Me: Are you saying you're dinosore. That would make you a backisasoreus. I think she hurt herself worse with the giant eye roll and groan","It was glorious" +"Why do Jedi's make terrible parents","Because they force feed their kids" +"Do you have any I's. Dialogue that just ensued between my wife and I. (We're sorting some invitations alphabetically) Wife: E, F, G, H, I. , Do you have any I's. Me: Yes, I have two. Wife: Where are they. Can you hand them to me. Me: They're next to my nose. It might hurt to give them to you. Wife: Huh. Ohhh (Eye roll). That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I was quite proud","She was annoyed" +"Dad just said this My house is next to a giant hole","You should drop in some time" +"My kid asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for","” I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like these" +"My pregnant wife and I were on our way out of the doctor's office And the receptionist was trying to schedule our next appointment, which was a routine check up. We'll get you in and out real quick, she said","I turned to her and said, that's what got us into this mess in the first place" +"What did the Sushi say to the Bee","Wasabi" +"- Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint. - Me: I Excel at it. - Boss: Was that a Microsoft Office pun","Me: Word" +"Hey Ernie, want some ice cream","Sherbert" +"What happened to the butcher that backed up into his meat grinder","He got a little behind in his work" +"My boyfriend just got me. I just had a mild sneeze attack, and the last sneeze was, um, productive. I ended up getting mucus on my sweatshirt and I said, aww it's all on my sweater now. ew to which my boyfriend promptly replies with *snot* the end of the world","he actually got me a few times but this one needed to be shared" +"What's an ancient pyramid builders favourite band","The rolling stones" +"Dad joked my Mom today Me and my mom were in the kitchen talking about the turkey, Mom: I don't know what I'm going to cook the turkey in","(looking through dishes Me: The oven" +"How does a cucumber become a pickle","It goes through a jarring experience" +"My chihuahua shakes a lot, so I took him to the vet's and asked. Does he have Barkinsons disease. (Note, my wife got really mad about this joke","Apparently the dogs are off-limits)" +"a photographer almost went to jail. he shot a guy and hung another","He framed his wife" +"Why is “dark” spelled with a “k” and not a “c”","Because you can’t C in the dark" +"My GF asked me if the Mets' closer had been pitching in the league for a long time. I told her I wasn't familia","" +"Why did the hipster burn his tongue on a piece of pizza","He ate it before it was cool" +"Was asking a friend exactly why. Gaza is being invaded. Friend : Because. Gaza","Israeli bad" +"Did you know that you can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in water","If it floats it’s a boy ant" +"I like telling dadjokes","He appreciates them" +"I often wish I'd been adopted by gay parents","So I could have twice as many dad jokes" +"In high school, I never went to those anti-drug programs","I didn't D" +"This came to me one night while I was sleeping. What do escalators take to get stronger","STAIRroids" +"My father in law's favourite joke. When someone asks him if he got a haircut he responds No,","I got them all cut!" +"My father, the elevator mechanic My father has been working as an elevator mechanic most of his life","Whenever people ask him how work is going he says It has its ups and downs Hes been making this joke for 27 years" +"What do you call. Bran's fall from the tower in the season 1 of. GoT Kings","Landing" +"I love it when my kids don't get the joke until the next day","Hear today, groan tomorrow" +"Penn’s mom had three sisters who owned a pie shop","Their menu was titled “The Pie Rates of Penn’s Aunts”" +"What did the Red light say to the Green light. Don't look","I'm changing" +"I played poker at a casino that was out of toilet paper","I had shitty hand the rest of the night." +"My dog's been pretty upset ever since I switched him to an all-fruit diet","You could say he's a little Melon-Collie now" +"Friend ate a rhubarb muffin and said it tasted like. Play-Doh. I asked if she was sure it didn't taste like","Aristotle." +"Why did the roofing students miss their final exam","They were too plastered" +"All the letters of the alphabet walk into a bar. Why does only one of them get a drink","Because the bartender keeps saying, “Can I get U anything" +"Heard of that guy that can move flooring with his just his mind","He uses Tile-epathy" +"The Oxford comma","is necessary, critical and essential" +"Oh, dad. I know a guy that crushes pepsi cans for a living","It's soda pressing" +"What did the junkie say when he was on a giant wheel","I have never been this high before" +"What's blue and doesn't weigh much","Light blue" +"I woke up to a loud noise","I was alarmed" +"Mother: What shall we name him. Disclaimer, I am a mom, not a dad and my teenager gave me a dirty look when I told her this joke. ---- [Scene: Hospital Delivery Room. Fathering holding his bundled newborn. Mother of the child looking on lovingly from hospital bed. ] Mother: What shall we name him. Father: His name is Mike","(drops baby)" +"I sent my my deceased cat, Mittens, to be stuffed. But the taxidermist only did her back half","It was a cat-ass-trophey" +"The National Institute of Father's database was hacked into last night and all their jokes were stolen","it was the worst dada breach in its history" +"I dadjoked my dad. I have to go to the doctor for tests later and it's required that i drink 5 million gallons of water beforehand. Dad: Have you been drinking","Me: I've been trying, but it's pretty difficult without a valid ID" +"What does a Mexican duck say","Guac Guac" +"I ordered a thesaurus on. Amazon, but when it arrived every page was blank. I have no words to describe how angry","I am right now." +"I told my son this was a can't opener. [Clicky for the picky](https://imgur","com/a/Ehnru)" +"How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth","He ate the pizza before it was cool" +"What game do mountaineering rabbis like to play with their kids","Peakhebrew" +"What language is spoken the least, that is still widely used today","Sign language" +"A guy walks into his house carrying a duck And says “This is the cow I was telling you about” His wife says “That’s a duck","” Guy says “I wasn’t talking to you" +"I was going to make a rubber band pun","But it was a bit of a stretch" +"Where do ducks sink","In the quackmire" +"I was talking with my dad in the car. So I was thinking some deep thoughts, when I turn to my dad and ask him what his definition of high art is. He promptly responds, Well it probably has to be closer to the ceiling than all of the other art","Many groans ensued" +"When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook","I guess that’s debaitable" +"My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his feces on the wall","I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again" +"Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair","I've heard nothing since" +"“Son, I found a condom in your room. ” “Gee thanks, Grandpa. ” “Why are you calling me Grandpa","” “Because I couldn’t find it yesterday" +"What did the fish say when it ran into the wall","Dam" +"I chose to be a firefighter. Because","I had a burning passion for it" +"I got fired at my job at the bank today. An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance","So I pushed her over" +"Dad dropped this one on me back in '77. We were driving down a Texas road late at night in my Dads' 72 Pontiac Grand Prix when a bug spalts on the windshield. The kind that makes a thud and leaves a two inch puddle of elongated goo. Without turning his attention from the road my Dad asked: You know what the last thing was to go through that bugs mind . Suddenly, expecting some philosophical insight my father had into death I quietly asked What","My Dad takes a drag on his Winston, exhales, and still never looking away from the road says: His ass" +"My sister is obsessed with keeping owls","I think she's an owlcaholic" +"And The Lord said unto John, Come forth and receive eternal life","but John came in fifth and won a toaster" +"Dad at the restaurant. Waiter: And for you sir, what would you like to drink","Dad: I'll have a Dihydrogen Monoxide please" +"Guess where i'm going for spring break","to sleep" +"A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her, First offender. ” She says, “No, first a Gibson","Then a Fender" +"A murderer bought his weapon at a 50% discount","It was a killer deal" +"[OC] I'm 6'3. and for most of my life, I've had this feeling that I stick out because of how tall I am","I guess you could call it a heightened awareness" +"Someday, somehow this subreddit will be shut down and you what it will be for us","It will be our PUNishment" +"I wonder if people will ever be buried in glass coffins","Remains to be seen" +"I dreamt I was a cop but I just couldn't catch any criminals","It was arrestless sleep" +"Had Hitler been a baseball fan, he would've known his plan would never work","After all, 3 Reichs and you're out" +"The hardest part of being in. Hypochondriacs","Anonymous is admitting you don’t have a problem." +"Dadjoked my coworker today. Working in merchandising, today was my first day in the warehouse. My coworker and I were moving around pallets with stuff to scan in and sort out before putting them on the floor for customers. As he's grabbing the pallet jack for the next pile of merchandise, I tell him: I feel obligated to let you know that I find this line of work to be very. *palatable","* He just stood there for what seemed like a minute or two pinching his eyebrows together while I laughed like a retard at my own terrible pun" +"Distance makes the dadjokes grow fonder. On vacation in Myrtle Beach from Michigan as we speak. as I speak. as I type, whatever. In our texting conversation my dad dropped this one on me. Me: The fog was so thick this morning, I couldn't see the ocean","Dad: Neither could I" +"I managed to dad-joke my own dad. We were having a discussion about people acting weirdly on airplanes. >Me: What if he was really high. Dad: Well then, get him arrested for being high on an airplane. Me: But everyone is high on an airplane","It's my proudest moment" +"Trucker's Breakfast **A trucker came into  a Truck Stop Café and placed his order with the waitress. He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. ** **The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store. ** **No, the cook said.   'three flat tires' mean three pancakes; 'a pair of headlights' are two eggs sunny side up; and 'a pair of running boards' are 2 slices of crisp bacon. ** **Oh. OK. said the blonde. ** **She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. ** **The trucker asked, What are the beans for, Blondie. ** **She replied,** **I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up","**" +"At lunch today the waitress spilled a water on my fiancé's dad. I don't know who's paying for our food, but the drinks are on Dave","Got a groan from the fiancé and a laugh from her mom" +"What did Bugs Bunny say when he met Bill Gates. What's up","doc" +"Scientists got bored after watching the. Earth turn after 24 hours","So they called it a day" +"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a night","Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life" +"A man is arrested. Police: It says here you have a violent background","Arrested Man: The background looks blue to me" +"My friend asked me if I’ve ever tried tipping a cow","I told him I’ve never been served by a cow before" +"I asked my wife if I’m the only one she had ever slept with. She said “Yes","all the other guys were nines or tens”" +"My kid’s pet rabbit named Gotye ran away a few days ago, and we can’t find it","Now he’s just some bunny we used to know" +"Do you know why today's youth is so odd","Because they can't even" +"Calories","Who knew one word could carry so much weight" +"Why did Marilyn Monroe'd skirt blow up when we met","Because I'm a huge fan" +"On the phone with my SO, literally made my fingers curl. Me: So are you watching House again. Him: Nope, I'm watching Mansion. Me: I've literally never heard of that show. What's it about","Him: It's kind of like House, just a lot bigger" +"What do my teeth and the stars have in common","They both come out at night" +"Where do pencils come from","Pennsylvania" +"Why was Santa's helper depressed","He had low elf-esteem" +"I was going to be a professional tree trimmer But I decided to branch out and leaf it alone","I have firm roots in another field now" +"What do you call a chicken that's looking at some lettuce","Chicken sees a salad" +"What’s the difference between a candle and a skinny horseman","One is a night light, and the other is a light knight" +"I think I'm getting old. http://i. imgur. com/SLQIbZg","jpg" +"Diana. I said, greeting my mother-in-law as she walked through the door. She replied, my name is Anna. I said, Yes","Yes I know" +"I started a band called Blanket","It's a cover band" +"What’s the difference between a fig and a date","I could get as many figs as I wanted in high school" +"I once caught two vegans in my basement Or at least I *thought* they were vegans","They kept shouting Lettuce leaf" +"My son asked me what I'm posting on Reddit","I tell him that they /r/dadjokes" +"My daughter thinks I don't give her enough privacy","Atleast that's what she said in her diary" +"Why was the freshly minted pennies soo annoying","Because they were a new cents" +"I used to have nightmares about preserved meats","But they were cured" +"I used to buy Velcro","But it’s just such a rip off" +"I want to get a dog and name it Five-Miles","So I can say I walk Five-Miles everyday" +"Why do tv remotes have buttons","It would be silly for them to have a zipper" +"What is the best time on the clock","It has to be 6:30, hands down" +"9 months isn't really that long","It only feels like a maternity" +"I ate some eggs out of my pocket today","They were eggs and lint" +"ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history","You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday" +"Gf: I learned a lot about insurance at work today. Specifically high risk pools. Me: I don't like high risk pools. unless there are at least two life guards on duty","(The look of disgust is something I'll cherish forever)" +"I bought velcro shoes,","I figured why knot" +"What's. Irish and sits out on the sidewalk. Paddy","O'Dining" +"Girlfriend came up with a pure Dad joke We were in town yesterday and a guy was busking,playing the spoons. I noticed that a few people were turning their heads and starting to pay attention. Then she hit me with it","'That man playing the spoons; he's causing quite the stir'" +"Why does Waldo wear stripes","Because he doesn’t want to be spotted" +"Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar","He got twelve months" +"Wanna know why I prefer to ride the elevator alone","I can’t take the stares" +"What do you call a spiders child","An arach-kid" +"The therapist said I can get over my fear of buffets","But first, I've got to want to help myself" +"Where did the picture go after high school","Collage" +"There's a cool new funeral home in my town. Everybody's dying to get in there. My dad actually produced this one yesterday","Happy Sunday" +"[Meta] Can anyone think of a good dad joke gift idea. I wanted to make my Dad a [chainsaw](http://thebokandroo. com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/chainsaw-300x225. jpg) for Christmas, but I'm not sure if we have the saw and I don't want to ruin a perfectly good chain for it. Can anyone think of another dad joke gift, like a [quarter pounder with cheese. ](http://i. imgur. com/cXjXh. jpg) *EDIT:* I did the quarter-pounder with cheese. I used little rubber bands, (The kind kids make bracelets from) popsicle sticks and a rolled-up piece of sturdy paper","If anybody wants to make it, let me know and I'll go into more detail" +"I went to a really emotional wedding the other day","Even the cake was in tiers." +"I just fell into a deep hole full of water","I couldn’t see that well" +"Good Job Son. Dad: How is school going. Son: Bad. Today the teacher kicked me out of class and made me stand outside. Dad: Good Job son. You're and outstanding student now","Badum tsss" +"I saw a guy selling air","He was the last air vendor." +"You gotta admire Voldemorts work on horcruxes. I mean","he put his soul into it" +"What's worse than ants in your pants","Uncles" +"I used to think. I was indecisive. Now","I'm not so sure." +"Why don't you see any Formula One movies in the theatres","They're too racy" +"I saw a joke the other day about a broken fence","So I reposted it" +"Why did the T-rex go to the doctor","He was feeling Jurassick" +"Dad just zinged me. Walking past him when out of the blue. Dad: Hey timodachampo. What's that in front of you. I look down and couldn't see anything","Dad: Oh, it's just your belly" +"The inventor of the elastic waistband has finally been recognized for his contribution to humanity","He was awarded the No-Belt Prize" +"I served eggs","Benedict on a hubcap, because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise." +"I decided to delete all the german names from my phone","It’s Hans-free now" +"When Arnold Schwarzenegger worked at a music store, his manager noticed that anytime he went on a break, the last person he spoke to would end up in the classical section","Maybe because before he left he would say, Aisle B: Bach" +"What do you call someone without any shins","Tony" +"Growing up I couldn’t do math unless I was sitting in someone’s lap. When I was younger it was never a problem finding someone that would let me sit on their lap, but now that I’m older","I can’t count on anyone" +"What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question","" +"I was talking to a lady this morning who said she recognised me from 'Vegan. Club' but. I'm pretty certain","I'd never seen herbivore" +"What do you get in Kansas for piracy","Banned to Arrkansas" +"Staff meeting http://i. imgur. com/Z4ilgz2","jpg" +"My physics teacher dad joked our class last week. We were doing a sheet of questions, and he asked if anyone had got to the fortune telling question yet","He was talking about question 4C" +"r/dadjokes is the best","But that question has horrible grammar." +"Did you hear about the treadmill software that got hacked","Well, everything's running again" +"All these years, I thought my grandfather had Alzheimer’s","Turns out that he just didn’t want to talk to me" +"I'm not a vegetarian because. I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because","I hate plants!" +"Proud of myself. Meteorology professor asked if anyone knew why earth was experiencing such extreme weather changes","Me: Umm, because it's bipolar" +"Someone asked if I’d make cheese in my afterlife","I said, “there’s no whey in hell" +"What do you call a hard rectangle","Erectangle" +"Someone broke into my house and stole all my lamps. I should be upset but","I’m delighted" +"I'm not sure I can marry my fiance. She's perfect but I just can't get over the fact that she hogs the blanket","I think I'm getting cold feet" +"What do you call a gay drive-by","A fruit roll-up" +"Alcohol","Always lifts my spirits" +"What is a priest’s favorite spice","cinn-AMEN" +"Shout out to the people asking what the opposite of in is",">" +"Getting a printer For our anniversary my wife requested a printer/scanner. After doing some research I tell her that Brother would be a good brand to get. The one I'm looking at is black. That's a little bit racists, right. Her face doesn't change, an indication that the joke failed and just to move on. So she asks me if the printer has cables. Nope. It works through the wifi so you won't have to worry about wires. You can even print stuff from your phone. Oh. So doesn't that mean I can't hook a Brother up","I was so proud of her" +"Grandma pulled a dad Taking the elevator up with her, she brings up how back in the day there used to be someone whos job it was to ride the elevators all day and push the button for you. I say, that must have been a pretty boring job","Grandma shoots right back with, yeah it had its up and downs" +"My College professor told this in class. My Dad and I were golfing, and he hit his ball. It landed beside a tree. He said 'Son, I have a dilemma. ' I replied 'yes. What is it","' Dad: 'Should I go over dilemma or under dilemma' (Da-limb-a)" +"Friend of mine dadjoked the waitress while we were on a double date. At a restaurant, waitress comes to take our order. Friend: Yeah, can I have the quesadilla. But I'm not that hungry, is there anyway I can have just one 'dilla' and not the whole case. I preceded to laugh uncontrollably","The ladies contemplated leaving" +"There Are No Rules","All hail, There Are No" +"I used to be addicted to soap","Don’t worry, I’m clean now" +"I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it turns out it was just a seabird","I took a tern for the wurst" +"Did you hear about the gear that murdered his wife","All I know is that he turned himself in" +"Bows are fantastic weapons","Their only drawback is the string" +"I think I'm ready My SO and I just started trying to have a baby. When I walked in from work yesterday she looked at me and said, TheClemmer, I'm pregnant","to which I smiled and replied Hi pregnant, I'm Dad" +"You know what makes a leader","A thousand milliliters" +"This is my dad's favourite joke from my childhood. Dad: Do we have any Marabooboo. Me: what's a Marabooboo. Dad: Nothing Yogi I'm just a little bear","E: everyone had to grin and BEAR this joke when I was younger" +"What do you call a city of eggs","New Yolk City" +"The cop teared up a little as she wrote out my ticket","I guess it was a moving violation" +"At the beach with the family: Me: Maybe one day, we can rent a Yakt. Her: The C is silent","Me: You are right, it really looks peaceful" +"I decided to invest in boomerangs","I hear they have a high rate of return" +"A man pays for his lunch with cash. The server asks, did you need change","Man: But I just put these clothes on this morning" +"Dad dropped these two on me today I wanted to go for a bike ride today, so I asked my bike if it wanted to go for a ride. It didn't. It said it was two-tired (too tired)","And I must have dreamt about mufflers last night, because this morning I woke up exhausted" +"My dad tried to be funny at a restaurant. So my family and I were at a restaurant and my mom wanted a photo of us","She asked a waiter if we could take a picture, and after the waiter said yes, my dad said we'll take this one and pointed at a photo on the wall" +"My girlfriend asked me if I wanted some peppermint tea. I said I don't know, is it pepperminty. , then proceeded to laugh like an idiot","She didn't get it" +"What did the pirate practice on the organ","Arrrrrpeggios" +"Today is a bad day to go get brunch","Everyone and their mother is out today" +"How do midwives get paid","Cash on delivery" +"Did you hear about the guy who took United Airlines to court for losing his luggage","He lost his case" +"Conversation with a 2 year old. 2yo: What's this. (Holds up meat off her pizza) Wife: it's sausage. 2yo: no, I saw sage","(Gets real close and looks intently at her piece of sausage before eating it" +"A generous moderator of a subreddit walks into a bar","And orders everyone around" +"I'll do algebra, I'll put up with calculus, I'll even push through trigonometry","But graphing is where I draw the line" +"4 guys are sitting in a boat with 4 cigarettes but no matches. How do they light their cigs","They throw one cigarette off the boat and make it a cigarette lighter" +"Dad, are you alright,. Nope,","I’m half left." +"How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber","Ask them to pronounce unionized" +"I failed at telling a joke in chorus today","I guess it fell flat" +"y'know if mental institutions had walking trails","We could call them psycho*paths" +"Say. Eye,. Spell. Map,. Say. Ness. Hi. Penis,. I’m","Dad." +"I was telling my folks about my new girlfriend. Dad: oh good. i know how you love dogs. what kind of dog does she have. what's its name. Me: idk if she even has a dog Dad: well she must have a seeing eye dog Every time me or one of my friends ever got a girlfriend he busted it out without hesitation. every. single","time" +"Dad shared this one with the family right before my choir concert It was towards the end of the semester and my parents had come to my university to see my choir concert as well as pick up some of the things from my dorm I didn't need any more. I went back to my dorm to get my bicycle and the replacement tire I was supposed to put on the bike but never got around to it. To make things easier, I put the tire around my neck and across my chest so I could wheel the bike to the campus center to meet up with my family and my boyfriend","As I'm walking up to them, my dad looks me up and down and says Are you sure that's the proper at*TIRE*" +"What’s the difference between a classroom and an interrogation room","You get your questions answered in one, and your answers questioned in the other" +"I really need to buy a suit","I just can’t find one that suits me" +"A recent statistical study shows that 20% of the people","Are two tense" +"Saw a geologist helping an old lady cross the street today and I thought","what a gneiss person" +"Last light. I seen a drunk couple weaving all over the street","I thought ‘honestly, get a loom’." +"Bilbo Baggins suddenly woke up to “Don’t stop Believing","” It was an unexpected Journey" +"Why are oceans so strong","Because, of all the mussels" +"What's the most sensitive part of an orchestra","The pianist" +"Couldn't pass up a dadjoke opportunity at my own birthday dinner Out for dinner at a nice restaurant with wife and two teenage kids, we all order dessert, wife got blueberry creme brulee, I got baked alaska with rum flambe. Waitstaff knew it was my birthday so they put a candle on my baked alaska. Problem was, the rum flambe melted the candle. It was pretty funny, so wife took pics with her iPhone. As she was reviewing her pics, she dropped her phone in her creme brulee. I said, I thought you ordered blueberry creme brulee, not Apple creme brulee","That was when I got the best birthday present: three hearty groans from the whole family" +"What’s the similarity between The Titanic and The 6th Sense","Icy dead people" +"I found a magical lamp and a genie told me I had 3 wishes. I said, I wish you were bad at math","The genie said, You have 14 wishes" +"Body shop asks the snail why he wants. S’s painted all over his automobile. Snail says “so when","I drive by people will say look at that s car go!”" +"Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating","Because they have no body to go with" +"What's the medical term for having too many dogs","Rover-dose" +"My Mom loves birthday parties but hates announcing her age","For about 3 years it has been my moms 39th birthday, so my dads response was buying a huge banner that said Happy 3rd annual 39th birthday" +"What do you call a gang shooting","A Homie cide" +"Marriage isn’t just a word. It’s a sentence","A life sentence" +"My nephew had a tough geography question Nephew: Where is Indonesia located","Me: Right next to Outdonesia" +"Why must you act quickly during a flood","Because it's an emergent sea" +"Son: Dad, what's the time","Dad: The time is the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole" +"When my son asked where our car was. Me: I ate it. I was hungry Son: you are the whole car. Me: yeah it gave me gas","Son: *blank, annoyed stare*" +"Where did Noah keep a record of his bees","In the ark hives" +"A joke my Dad told today. I was the first of my sibling to get my ears pierced and I finally got it done today","When I got home, my Dad began calling me “the Holey One" +"Fries, gravy, and cheese curds give me gas","Had me poutine all night" +"My Girlfriend's Dad Said This While Shingling The Roof This roof is poison","One drop will kill me" +"If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks","It cost me an arm and a leg!" +"Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees","Because they're so good at it" +"Dad joke about 'The Wire' Dad: What are you up to. Me: Nothing much. Watching The Wire","Dad: Eh, I thought The String was much better" +"(X-Post /r/todayilearned ) The current US Postmaster General, Megan Brennan, started out as a letter carrier 30 years ago, gradually working her way up to the 2nd highest-paid job in the US government. I say, good for her. Sometimes it's difficult for women to advance in such a mail-dominated industry","Credit goes to /u/CrimsonPig" +"Which animal is the oldest","&#x200B; Zebras cause they still be in black and white" +"I would say a joke about liquids","But it's a pretty solid joke" +"I was resting my feet on the dog And my girlfriend said, She looks defeated right now","I said, Nope and took my feet off the dog, Now she is" +"National. Orgasm day is coming (July 31)","You should really try to get off that day if you can." +"What kind of tea is hard to swallow","Reality" +"My dads all time favorite Whenever we're going somewhere that requires a substantial amount of driving time (at least two hours) my family stops at a McDonalds or something for food","My dad will always order a coffee and be a little unclear about his order so the server will have to ask if he wants sugar in his coffee to which he will reply no thanks, I'm sweet enough" +"Mum to my dad: Can you put the radio on","Dad: Nah, it won't go with my outfit" +"Have you ever seen the movie constipation. No","That's because it hasn't come out yet" +"Why did the kid cross the playground","To get to the other slide" +"I was buying my groceries in. Prague when the manager approached me asking for my proof of citizenship. Being a. US national,. I wasn’t allowed to use the self","Czech out." +"This is a grandfather joke. My grandparents were at a dinner theater show. The premise is that it was a wedding reception. It was in August. The actor playing the minister was standing next to Grammy and Papa's table, mopping sweat from his forehead. Papa': Good evening, reverend. Are you by chance Presbyterian. Actor: No. why do you ask","Papa': You appear to be presbyreing" +"Dad likes art My fiancée is building some custom frames for her capstone project. She's is going for a baroque theme and is planning on using them with some portrait shots she's taken over the past semester. They're primed white right now, but she's planning on painting them gold. Me: she's gonna paint them gold later. Mom: aww but I like the white. Me: yeah but she's going for a baroque theme and that fits better I guess. Dad: well, if it ain't baroque don't fix it. So. Many","Groans" +"What is spiderman’s second job","a web developer" +"I was assembling some steel trusses at work solo on Thursday and my production manager came up to me and said Do you need a hand","I said no, I've already got two" +"What is Japan's symbol of gratitude","The Ariga-Toad" +"My dad while driving through a farming community","As we pass a pasture full of sheep on a particularly bumpy road: Man this road is baaaaaaaad." +"You know why the call them Menstrual cramps","Because when a woman gets ‘em, all the men know it’s time to take a stroll" +"Every single morning I get hit by the same bike","It's a vicious cycle" +"I bought these shoes from a drug dealer","I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been trippin’ all day" +"Dad-joked my own dad We were sitting at the table when he started looking at my mom's *More* magazine: Him: What to wear at 30, 40, 50, and 60, huh","Me: Well, clothes wouldn't be a bad idea We then heartily chuckled for a few moments" +"My dad was a real motherfucker","Until he and my mom got a divorce" +"What do you call a bear without an ear","A b" +"What do you call a sheep, a drum and a snake falling and hitting the ground","Bah Dum, Tsss" +"What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches","A nervous wreck" +"My Landlord Today [via text message] Me: The new fridge is in, and we're good to go. Thanks","Landlord: Cool (get it" +"I've gone and confused the words 'Yakuza' with 'Jacuzzi'. Now. I'm in hot water with the. Japanese","Mafia." +"I'm worried about my neighbours son","He keeps asking questions about unicycles, bicycles and trikes I think he's bike-curious" +"Shania Twain has given birth to a baby boy","Choo Choo, was born at 3:30pm today weighing 6lb 8oz" +"My dad's an ICU doctor. Me: How was work today","Dad: Great, people were dying to see me" +"It was 9pm and my wife was being kicked by our unborn baby. I said, Hey mister, it's past your bedtime","Go to your bed-womb" +"Did you know crows stay by their fallen comrades to see what got them","Guess you could say they performed a murder investigation" +"I stopped riding my bike at the local park","Too many cycle paths" +"How did the pothead propose","He said, “Marry, you wanna" +"Dad says there is snew in his drink I ask: whats snew","Dad: Not much, how about you" +"What do you call a dog that’s made of hands","A Palmeranian" +"A knock knock joke I told my nephews friend Knock knock Who’s there","Potato head Potato head who That’s Mr Potato Head to you son" +"The girl from the furniture store keeps calling me","All I wanted was one night stand" +"A lot of people dislike Mondays. But 48 hours ago was a sadder day. ( OP [here](https://www. reddit. com/r/Jokes/comments/5v7u75/a_lot_of_people_dont_like_mondays/","st=IZF8PH36&sh=bb27d8a2) )" +"I didn't see it coming. Dad Hey Oneseventhofmachoman, do you know what website vegetables go to to masturbate. Me . No, what. Dad CORNHUB","It was hard to high five him because I was laughing so hard" +"My wife's celebrity crush is Colin Firth","I said, What about Colin Thecond" +"SPOILER ALERT. [You have been warned](http://o. b5z. net/i/u/2155674/i/abs-703_Mitsubishi_Lancer","jpg)" +"What's a Namekian's favorite lunch meat","Pickle loaf" +"My jokes are so cheesy. If I was in the Olympics","I'd dominate at the 100m curdles" +"My girlfriend and I were going to a Mexican restaurant for drinks and she asked me how much a pitcher was","a thousand words" +"Two guys walk into a bar","You think the second guy would have ducked" +"Did you hear about the cashew that went insane","Yeah, He was nuts" +"Where do boats go when they feel sick","To the dock" +"What’s a pirates favourite letter","You may think it’s R but his love is for the C" +"Incredibly, every time when you read this joke, the punchline will always be different","different" +"My 3 year old made me proud Background: she's learning about magnets and how they stick together. She is also learning about anatomy. Finally, she has a two month old baby brother. all of these things are relevant","She was playing with the magnets and put one next to her brother and says He doesn't have stick, but he does have test-STICK-les It was her first proper dad joke" +"My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction","So I packed up my stuff and right" +"I walked by a lobster shack, the sign said $2. 00 lobster tails","I paid the man 2 dollars he begins; once upon a time there was this lobster" +"I started to pet my cat as he was sad","After that, he was feline better" +"My wife wanted to take our other two dogs on a walk She had just come back from walking our other dog. I asked her what the temperature was like outside, because it was supposed to get into the 70's. She said, It's nice, I only had to put on my jean jacket","So you're telling me it's in the 80's" +"Do you need an arc","I Noah guy" +"Where do cops eat","In arrestaunrant" +"Apples I was just texting my friend about how I've come to realise people's favourite type of apple can be a huge point of contention in a discussion, it can get quite heated","She said she would rather eat an orange as she isn't a big apple person anyway, I responded That's right, you're a human person" +"I recently walked down a street with the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, 1mb etc","That was a trip down memory lane" +"My kids think Santa has riverfront property in Brazil","Because all of their presents came from Amazon last year" +"Which American president is least guilty","Lincoln - He's in a cent" +"Daughter leaves her imgur account signed on. Dad finds it and the dadjokes ensue. http://imgur","com/gallery/hAwRk5u" +"What do you call a person with an urn over their head","A pothead" +"I tried to catch fog once","Mist" +"How do you say socks in Spanish","Es o'si que es (S O C K S)" +"Naming your kid Eugene jr","would be one of the best dad jokes You'd be truly passing down your genes" +"My friend asked me what IDK means","I said I don't know He replied God damn it, nobody does" +"Heard this one at an airport the other day I don't really remember it well, so I'll paraphrase: SON: Ugh, my phone is almost out of power, and my charger doesn't work. DAD: When'd it break. SON: A few months ago. DAD: Then how have you been charging it","SON: Well, I've been charging it over at Austin's ^([His friend, I imagine]) DAD: So you've been using Austin's Power" +"Have you heard of that new band 1023MB","They're good but they haven't got a gig yet" +"My favorite dad joke when I was 5. Just remembered this from wayyyy back, but when I was little, and Pinball Wizard, Baba O'Reilly, etc. would come on the radio, my dad would always turn to me and ask, Do you know who this is. I would always ask Who. And he'd be like, You're right","Classic dad joke, but I was in on it" +"When my British friend goes out in the wilderness, he sleeps in his car trunk","He calls it boot camp" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When the punchline is apparent" +"What does a pirate pay for his corn","A buccaneer" +"My friend comes from a family of bakers","He was bread for it" +"Listening to the video of 4 Russian girls singing beautifully. My wife hears and asks me if they are Russian","I said no, they were taking their time" +"Timmy : Dad, am I adopted","Dad : No, you're Timmy" +"What do you call an hamster in space","An hamsteroid" +"Why does Ariel wear sea shells","Because d shells are too big" +"Professor got the class We were discussing Kant in our Systematic Theology class, not entirely sure why we got on him. Me: He was the one that said God was just good for morals, right","Prof: Yes, and we don't have to continue but I Kant see why we wouldn't" +"So my dad accidentally left his glasses in the fridge","When he found out, I said I guess you just wanted to look cool" +"I feel sorry for poor chicken farmers","They're just trying to make hens meat" +"I just got done writing my exhaustive dictionary of anatomy terms","It's a significant body of work" +"Overheard a great holiday dad joke this weekend Customer in front of me: We're going to smoke a turkey this weekend","Convenience store clerk: How are you going to get it into the pipe" +"The moon landing is obviously fake Like c’mon the moon is still up there","It never landed" +"She needed to prepare for trouble, make that double. Today a student of mine was wearing a Pikachu onesie for pajama day at work (a junior in h. our conversation went like this. If she wasn't in anime club with me I would have left her alone. Me: did your wear that so guys would want to take a peek-at-chu. Student : Mrs. Acinomismonica, please stop Me: why. You scared they won't choose you. Student : I'm going to stop talking to you now Me: don't be such an Ash Student : Mrs. Acinomismonica, you need to stop. Me: c'mon student, you gotta Ketchum to my jokes Enter the rest of my class groaning, it was a good day","Good thing I stopped before they threw Brocks at me" +"What time did the man go to the dentist","Tooth hurt-y" +"Two in a row. My dad - to this day - delights in embarrassing my sister and me any chance that he gets (of course). Though, admittedly it's much harder for him to do now that we're adults, but he still tries and sometimes succeeds. My favorite thing he ever did: he took my sister and me out to eat and when the waitress came to our table he said, Let me get this straight, my son can get anything on the menu that he wants. She said, Well, yeah, of course. Then he threw the menu on the ground and with a shit-eating grin asked her to stand on it. My sister starts laughing and said, Dad, you're nuts. Very quickly, he looked down like he was looking for something and said, What, are they showing. I think that was probably his most masterful dad moment","He embarrassed me, then my sister and confounded the waitress all in the span of 30 seconds" +"What's the difference between an aviary and an apiary","It's all about the birds and the bees" +"I started dating a footballer","I think he's a keeper" +"I'd like to illustrate two important points","Thank you" +"Who is the scariest dancer","The Boogie Man (From my 8 yr old)" +"A dad asked the doctor in the eating area “Do you charge extra for your circumcisions","” The doctor replied, “No, we just keep the tips”" +"You know what they say about The Last Jedi","There can be Obi Wan" +"I was talking to a guy at work. The conversation got around to wives, and he said he had been widowed three times. I said Three wives, all dead and buried. He said Yes. What happened to the first one. Poison Mushrooms. What happened to the second one. Poison Mushrooms. And the third. Fractured skull. How did that happen","She wouldn't eat the bloody poison mushrooms" +"What do Viagra and Disney World have in common","A one-hour wait for a two-minute ride" +"Someone told me my clothes were gay","I said, Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning" +"I started ironing my clothes. To de-crease how bad","I looked" +"Did you hear that they've been having trouble selling Beatles albums in some Scandinavian countries. Apparently, when asked if they'd buy any of the renowned group's albums, a Swede wouldn't. But, a Norwegian would","EDITED for geographical nomenclature" +"What did my dad say when I became a dad","The joke is in your hands now" +"My wife got super angry when. I told her. I put ginger in the curry","She loved that cat" +"Potato Head went to a basketball game last night","He was a spec-tater" +"What did the poet say to Luke Skywalker","Metaphors be with you" +"Dad jokes are the real reason I come home for the holidays A bit of background: my dad is notorious for mercilessly rattling off puns, dad jokes and all other manners of quips every chance he gets. His responses are lickity split and my step-mom gives the same combination of eye roll and an exasperated Oh my god. as a response. Unfortunately for her, I only encourage this behavior when I'm home. So tonight, we were eating dinner when my dad picked up the container of radishes and looked at my step-mom: Radishes. No. Yes they are","Me and my dad are laughing our asses off while my step mom is jokingly counting down the days until I go back to school so she only has one hooligan to deal with" +"I hate my job stepping on cans of cola","It's soda pressing" +"I bought a used wind tunnel for really cheap but underestimated the strength of the fans","It blew me away" +"I used to be in charge of my aging parents estate, but my brother was bitten by a radioactive lawyer","Now he has the power of attorney" +"Dad just sent me this. I buried my face in my hands. Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger","They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout Cah , not a single one could shout Truck" +"Have you ever been in a boat","It's yachts of fun" +"I tried to make a joke about an ear, but it was too corn-y. so I made a joke about an eye","It was cornea" +"How did the T-rex feel after his workout","Dinosore" +"Headquarters in a Disaster Working on responding to the floods in Texas. Asking around the room how everyone is feeling this morning. Feeding Lead says, I'm okay. Transportation coordinator says, I'm okay too. Logistics leads says, How do I feel. With my fingers of course. I immediately asked how many kids he has","He holds up two fingers, and I knew I had just witnessed a high quality, real life Dadjoke" +"Why did the man close his distillery","It was a whiskey business" +"While discussing Jordan conducting air strikes on ISIS Dad: Did you hear about how Jordan has been bombing ISIS. Me: Yeah, it's pretty crazy. Dad: I know. So do you think Jordan's Air Force is called Air Jordan","Me: :-/ Dad: They probably have the Nike logo on their jets" +"My dad today He walks up to me and says Guess what. I asked, What. and he replied YOU GUESSED IT","and walked away laughing maniacally" +"One of my students poured coffee on one of his classmates","I told him that's grounds for suspension" +"What kind of pants does Mario wear","DenimDenimDenim" +"Time flies like an arrow","Fruit flies like a banana" +"What's the best website to browse after a long day. Conjunctivitis","com - It's a site for sore eyes" +"Why do bees have sticky hair","Because they use a honeycomb" +"At work yesterday A female employee asked if we were gonna be short staffed on Friday. I immediately turned around and said Hello","I'm 6 foot" +"What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when his wife asked him why he hadn't updated to Windows 10","I still love Vista, baby" +"Would you like a Danish. At a function after graduation and the servers were bring around food. Server would you like a Danish. no thank you, but I'll have a swede if they're going - dad Poor girl didn't miss a beat","sorry we're out of swedes at the moment" +"Discussing badgers with a British co-worker. Me: I honestly don't think I've ever seen one in my life; maybe I have but just didn't know. Co-worker: Really. I think I've seen quite a few. Me: Yeah. Oh, so they're big in the UK then. Co-worker: Not really, they're the same size all over the world usually","*cue awkward silence before he kills himself laughing" +"Every time my dad reverses the car. Ahhh. this takes me back. Every","time" +"How do you sneak up on a unique rabbit","Unique up on it" +"My friends met my dad I had some friends over my house when my dad came home. Friend: Hello sir. I'm Jose. Dad: Nice to meet you Jose","*Looks around* So, where's hose b" +"Dad dropped this one when I texted him after my flight. Me: On the ground. Dad: Well, get up","You'll get your clothes dirty" +"Today is 60s day at our school. [Here is my costume. ](http://imgur","com/mndYTmV) I got so many groans and eye rolls today (:" +"A timely joke","Whoever figured out how many days in a month using their knuckles had way too much TIME on their HANDS" +"Where is your next travel destination","* Las Kitchenas * Los Lounges * Santa Bedroomes * Porto Gardenas * Los bed * Costa Del Balconia * St Bathroom * La Rotonda De Sofa" +"I'm glad I know sign language","it comes in pretty handy" +"What do Romanians do when they're tired","They Bucharest" +"Everyone told. Sam not to sing. But","Samsung anyways" +"Does medicine make you happy","Because it made Bengay" +"What's an addiction that is related to an unhealthy obsession towards alphabets","\*Cough\*-E addiction" +"It’s just as. I suspected, someone’s been adding soil to my garden","The plot thickens" +"A farmer and his dog are herding sheep","They finish and the dog says I counted 40 sheep The farmer replies, Weird, I only got 37 The dog replies I rounded them up" +"Why did the cookie cry","Because his mom was a *wafer* so long" +"Let me tell you a little about myself","It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'" +"How did the butcher introduce his wife","everyone, meet patty" +"What did the Hawaiian say when the fake missle alert made him poop his pants","ICBM" +"What's do you call the coolest vegetable at a party","Littuce" +"I get really annoyed when I have to buy a bottle of toilet-unclogging liquid","It is like pouring money down the drain" +"Daughter: Make me breakfast. Me: Ok, you’re breakfast. Daughter: I am hungry","Me: No, you’re breakfast" +"Why did the warden give laundry soap to departing prisoners","As a detergent against future grime" +"Thor's brother was invited to a seminar on how to become a famous celebrity, but he turned them down","He wanted to stay Loki" +"Dad: Would you like anything to eat for dinner. Son: What are my choices","Dad: 'Yes' or 'no'" +"My daughter was born today. She had to come out no matter what","She was running out of womb" +"A group of snails got into a really heated fight. They took their shells off and went at it","It was a real slug fest" +"A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack. Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday. Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, Sure. I have this, and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral. She holds up the tiny pink elephant. I mean, what in the world is this. The bank manager looks back at her and says, It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan","His old man's a Rolling Stone" +"Why do fish swim in salty water","Because pepper makes them sneeze" +"When is it Mother’s Day","About 9 months after Father’s Day" +"My teenage son got a tattoo of a deck of cards without our permission","I might have to deal with him later" +"One of his wittiest I was in my dads room when my phone went off, it was my girlfriend So I say to my dad Just a second, my girlfriend is calling me, Dad To which he replies Why's she calling you that","He then gives a belly laugh to himself and leaves the room" +"What do you call a singing computer","A Dell" +"Dad: Quick, someone put a dildo on the roof. Me: Wtf why. Dad: I cut myself pretty bad. Me: What does the dildo have to do with anything","Dad: I need a dose of penis ceilin' (Actual)" +"Friend got me I was sitting in the library with my friend studying for finals. I have a night class tonight, but I have to study for a huge exam tomorrow. I said So I've decided that I'm not going to my night class","My friend immediately says Then how will you ever move past being a squire" +"My son has recently decided to become a defense attorney","I guess you could say he's my son in law..." +"Did you hear about the girl named after table tennis equipment","Anet" +"🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌🦌","I just made a quick twenty bucks." +"How does a tree get onto the internet","It logs in" +"Passed a road sign that said Uneven. Pavement","Looked to my wife and said, That's odd." +"Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint. - Me: I Excel at it. - Boss: Was that a Microsoft Office pun","Me: Word" +"Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed","Because it would blow his cover" +"There aren’t too many great dwarf actors like Peter Dinklage","There’s a shortage" +"Someone tried to attack me yesterday so","I threw a table at them it was a counter-attack." +"I was in an argument about what the best kind of bread was","But the conversation went a rye." +"What is a butcher’s favorite knight","Sir loin" +"Sometimes. I tell. Dad jokes","And sometimes he laughs!" +"My girlfriend left me after my iguana was diagnosed with a seizure disorder","She said she couldn’t date a man with a reptile dysfunction" +"Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher","She had trouble controlling her pupils" +"When a child refuses to sleep during nap time","They are guilty of resisting a rest" +"How do you feel when you spill your milk","An udder disappointment" +"c'est la vie So me and my dad were talking about some stuff and I said c'est la vie and he replied with La vie","We both cracked laughing" +"What did the accountant say to the man who was filing for bankruptcy after using a lot of payday loans","There is a lot of interest in your credit history" +"What do you call a fish with no eye","A fsh" +"Why are origami so good at poker","Because, they always know when to fold" +"What do you call it when Shrek works more than 40 hours a week","Ogretime" +"What's a cloning technician's favourite letter?","W" +"Rocky Mountain Sigh My wife and I are chatting about where to go on vacation. Wife: You know, I really would love to see Aspen, Colorado. It looks beautiful. Me: Aspen you shall receive. Wife:","You're a horrible person" +"Why did the belt go to prison","He held up a pair of pants" +"An old coworker and I were driving back from a jobsite, and saw a sign that read Log Trucks Entering Highway. He turned to me and said, Well grab a pencil and paper from the backseat","I don't know who cares how many trucks we see, but we'll write it down" +"A man chased me down the street yesterday trying to rob me","he gave me a run for my money" +"Protect your bagels","Put lox on them" +"One of my cows had a calf today","Now she's de-calf-enated" +"How do you make an eggroll","you push it" +"What did the grape say when it was crushed","Nothing, it just let out a little wine" +"Did you hear about the two thieves that stole a calendar","They both got 6 months" +"What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe","Kilometer Cyrus" +"What does a fan say to it’s owner","I’m a fan of yours" +"I finished my puzzle today, it took me 6 months and. I’m pretty proud of myself","On the box it says 3-5 years." +"Wife offered me water,. I asked for something harder","She gave me ice" +"Slightly offensive dadjoke at work This one was about two years ago, but it was one of my favorite memories of work due to the reaction it got. There's a little bit of a setup/backstory for this. I landed a job at the local Sam's Club before it opened, so I, along with the other associates, was to attend a credit training event at a very nice bank in town. There were probably 30 or 40 in the class and most of us knew each other pretty well because we had spent the past few weeks 'blitzing,' or selling Sam's Club memberships at Walmarts in the area. Anyway, the credit guy (his name fails me) was giving a powerpoint presentation on the ins and outs of the Sam's credit accounts. At one point, he said that for pre-approved members, a piece of paper called a 'chit' will print out. There were a few chuckles and he smiled and said yeah, I know, and carried on. Then I raised my hand. He called on me, and I began: So if a church with a business membership is pre-approved, who's responsible for applying. A church accountant or one of the clergy or something. Yes, whoever owns the account itself. Would that be considered a 'holy chit. ' The class erupted in laughter and one associate even left the room because she was laughing so hard. I saw one of the managers in class with us had his head buried in his arms laughing to the point of tears","Probably my finest moment" +"I keep all my real money in with the Monopoly money","Hey, better safe than Sorry" +"Someone who draws is a drawer","And someone who paints cars is a carpenter." +"What do pirates make bad musicians","They're afraid to go below C" +"Mum headed dad off at the pass Dad was discussing wedding anniversaries with a friend and mum walked in right as the topic of flowers came up. Mum: what's my favourite flower. Dad: well","Mum: Don't you dare say self raising" +"A dad joke of astronomical proportion A friend an I were driving home when I noticed two bright stars in the sky I knew to be planets. Me: Do you know what planets those are. Him: I don't know. Mars and Venus. Me: I'm pretty sure they're Venus and Jupiter Him: Yeah, I had no idea. I just pulled two planet names out of my","Me: Uranus" +"A stranger got me while asking for directions. I'm driving around looking for a friend's house who's just moved in and my phone's dead so I can't look it up. I see a guy so I stop to ask him, What's the best way to get to Seymour Road. Get a bigger windscreen","I laughed against my will" +"A man in a wheelchair just stole my camouflage jacket :(","I hope he knows he can hide but he can’t run" +"At the ocean the other day a huge wave caught me by surprise. All","I could think was oh, swell." +"Dadjoked at the grocery store One of my first jobs was at our local grocery store, where I was a cashier. Our store had those misting hoses that periodically would shower the produce items with water, so sometimes things were still wet when customers were checking out. My parents were shopping and of course came to my line to check out. I picked up a bag of vegetables, which happened to be leeks. One of the leeks must have been laying in the produce section perfectly upright because it had about 6 ounces of water in it and when I layed the bag down to type in the code, it all poured out of the bag all over the register. My dad proceeded to scream we've got a leek. loud enough that everyone around could hear. Other employees thought we had an actual problem and came rushing to my aid","Not one laugh could be heard" +"Where did Captain Hook get his hook from","The second hand store" +"My Dad asks: What do you call a dead mailman. **a post man","** Yes, my Dad actually made this up" +"How much does a hipster weigh","An Instagram" +"What do you call a smaller version of a British mother. A minimum. *Applies to Aus, NZ, and Canada too","Basically if you're not from the US and live in an English speaking country" +"My wife was giving birth to our first born, I cracked a joke to lighten the mood - everybody laughed","It was all about delivery" +"TIL that crows are very clever, but. , Perhaps not as intelligent as you might think. Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and a Pathologist determined the cause of nearly all of the deaths to be vehicular impact. A more detailed analysis detected various paint residues, and it was further discovered that a huge majority of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while a much smaller portion were killed by an impact with a car. Behaviorists very quickly concluded the cause of the disproportion: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. While all the lookout crows could say Caw , none could say Truck","credit to /u/just_to_annoy_you" +"What do you call an ant that follows you everywhere","A pursuant" +"I went to an Indian restaurant I asked if they had sold out of bread but the waiter told me he had nan left","" +"I met a surveyor today You know those guys who wear yellow-green vests and have that machine to determine the slope of a road and stuff. I walked up to one and asked if he was surveying","Him: yes Me: my favorite color is green I walked away laughing while he looked me like an idiot" +"Did you hear about the streaker that ran into a church","They chased around the pews past the piano and finally caught him by the organ" +"I was grocery shopping with my Dad and Mom We were in the checkout line and I asked Dad why is there a broom in the cart. (As we already have one) To which he replied Your mother has to get home somehow. She just stood there staring at him, so I thought maybe she didn't get the joke. I explained He's calling you a witch, Mom","This made my father laugh even harder while my mom glared at me instead" +"The original Anytime I would start to fall asleep while my dad was driving the back country roads. He would yell hay startling me and as soon as I gained my composer and I would ask What. And he would than point at a hay bail and say there is some hay over there. Fast forward 8 or so years and I was riding in the back of are jeep with my dad and Papa (he doesn't like being called grampa) all of the sudden my papa yells son and my dad slams on the brakes in a panic asking what's wrong","He(papa) than casually points at the sun and says the suns out" +"My wife won't come to Mexico with me","She thinks I will try tequila" +"What do you get from a pampered cow","Spoiled milk" +"We should legalize marijuana in every state and use the revenue to fix all the highways and roads. We’ll call it. Operation. Pot","Hole" +"Quick, everyone throw out the best joke you know","But please leave them in a neat pile, it's hard enough to pick though the trash as it is" +"Dadjoked at work. Girl at work: there's a good beer in. Australia called. Four. X . Me: is it twice as good as. Dos","Equis?" +"You know, the cemetery business is one of the best businesses to invest in","People are dying to get in" +"My friend was floundering along till he met his amputee girlfriend","She single-handedly changed his life" +"(actually happened) Waitress asks my wife if she wants a soup or salad. My wife says, Uhmm. a super salad","Is that like a really big salad" +"My wife’s mom wanted to take my son out for a grandma grandson date. My son’s response was, “Why does she want a date","She’s *already* pruny” I was so happy that I looked at my wife and said, “We must be raisin him right" +"Dad just got my friend Friend: What the heck is a commentator. Dad: That's a normal potato","A common tater" +"Disney isn't going to die and go out of business even though they completely shut down operations and didn't produce anything for three months","They just suspended animation" +"Did you hear the alphabet is taking a vacation","Only four letters remain in town" +"Out to a fancy brunch with my whole family. Our waitress was named Brandon, and at some point during the meal she disappeared for about ten minutes. When she returned, my dad made the comment: Good thing you're back, we thought we'd been abrandoned","I laughed very hard" +"For the person who loves celebrities. Dad: Did you hear about that actress that stabbed her husband. It was Reece. Reece. Reece Something. Me: Witherspoon. Dad: No, with her knife","Bu-dum-tssss" +"I tried to buy some tornado insurance for my campsite, but the company refused","They said, “If your tents get blown away, you won’t be covered" +"I wanted to attend the seminar on vomit control","Unfortunately, something came up" +"I got hired as a lawn maintenance guy, but my boss fired me","I just wasn’t cutting it" +"What color is the wind","blew" +"Why was the janitor fired","He was sweeping on the job" +"Me and two of my coworkers have holes in our clothes today","Wa are The Holey Trinity" +"We were talking about dorming. So for reference, I got into the one dorm in my university that somehow doesn't have air conditioning. My dad was talking about the logistics of bringing one or even two fans + an AC unit to keep my room fine. He then says","well at that point you'll have enough fans to start a fan club" +"Why do birds poop and pee out of the same hole. Why do birds poop and pee out of the same hole","Because they eat with their pecker" +"Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt","Well, he sure doesn't want to be spotted" +"It might not be politically correct to say this","but Benjamin Franklin was a great American President" +"Some American BBQ is considered soul food, whereas some Korean BBQ would be","Seoul Food" +"Why should Captain Obvious have kids","Because his greatest skill is being apparent" +"Nurse: Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible . Doctor: Well, tell him","I can't see him right now." +"Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math","Only if you Count Dracula" +"Dadjoked the receptionists at the medical lab today It's cloudy with no rain today, and when I got to the lab in the basement, here's what happened. **Receptionist:** Has the sun come out yet today. **Me**: No, not yet. But I did see an old bomber and two fighters for the D-Day anniversary. **Nurse passing by**: Where were they. **Me**: In the sky, where else","\*cue laughter and one he sure got you good from the receptionists* Mission accomplished" +"Taste Funny","Two cannibals are eating a clown, one looks at the other and askes, Does this taste funny to you" +"[OC] What do you call a job that your butt does. A duty","(My 6-yr-old made up this joke today)" +"Should we get navel oranges. Me: Should we get navel oranges","Boyfriend: yeah they're way better than army oranges" +"When a medical professional hits you with a dad joke. My dad is a PA and I was following him through some rounds","He had to do a rectal exam and the second we got out of the exam room he said I really prefer the digital version of a rectal exam compared to analog" +"I have an addiction to cheddar cheese","Don't worry, it's only mild" +"Finally got to dad joke my son As we are driving past my son's school he says, Hi school","I responded with, no that is an elementary school" +"[Baba O’Riley comes on] Son, do you know who sings this song. Who","Kid knows his music" +"What did he sushi say to the bee","Wasabi" +"Sitting at the red light, then it turned green. When the light turned, I looked to my wife and said: Green, go","She didn't skip a beat: Honey, I'm no gringo" +"My girlfriend and. I had a race to see who could clean their dishes faster but it was so close","We had to call it a wash" +"I thought my Indian chef friend added butter to his recipes, but he explained it was actually ghee","I said, “Thanks for clarifying" +"I used to sell filing cabinets to the mafia","Back then I was involved in very organised crime" +"What do you call a horse with a lot of money","Stable" +"Pita Again Roomy: What are you doing for dinner. Me: Gonna have some chicken in a pita bread Roomy: Didn't you eat that yesterday","Me: It's a re-pita last night" +"I don't mind doing most of the housework","But vacuuming sucks." +"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather","Not screaming and yelling like the other people in the car with him." +"A²+B²=C² What did pythagorus kill himself with","A Hypotenoose" +"Why do mountains make good comedians","Because they're hill areas" +"This sub has been disappointing me lately. Next time","I’ll get the roast beef" +"Coordinating time with my wife Wife: What time are you working until. Wife: 5","Me: 4:30 Wife: This conversation is oddly familiar Me: or is it evenly familiar" +"My friends stopped asking me to hangout after. I got sunburn. They said","I kept flaking on them" +"Dadjokes transcend international borders Today, whilst on holiday in Spain, I sent a photo to my dad captioned loving life, drinking sangria by the pool","The response: might want to slow down and just drink it by the glass" +"My friend told me this long story on how he lost the tip of his index finger in an accident","It was a bit pointless" +"What, you don’t like hummus","Chick, please" +"Did you hear about Bruce Lee's vegetarian brother. Brock","Lee" +"What do you call a Mexican stand off","A Juan on Juan" +"My friend keeps talking about how much horsepower his car has","I wish he would torque about something else" +"What word has 5 letters, but becomes shorter when you add 2 more","Short" +"A man just attacked me with milk and cheese","How dairy" +"Noel,. Noel,. Noel,. Noel","We don't have any water, because we have noel." +"What do you call a cube that hasn't reached the third dimension","pre-cube-scent" +"What do you call a certified fish","oFISHal" +"Not a dad, but my neighbor who is a dad was proud of me for this one","He was helping me dig up trees and I turned to him upset and said: Wow you just left me with a bunch of Ash-holes in my yard" +"Be Careful Standing On One Leg At The ATM. Worst way to check your balance","*crickets*" +"I bought a gallon of White Out","Big Mistake" +"How do you get Frozen. Five year old daughter saw that Frozen was now available on DVD. Her: Frozen is on DVD, how do we get it. Me: What do you mean. Her: How do we get Frozen. Me: well, first you have to get really cold","she didn't appreciate it as much as I did" +"What did the pickle say after being taken out of its home by force","Well that was jarring" +"Why did you divide sine by tan","Just cos" +"Stealth bomber flies over the Rose Bowl. huh","I didn't see that coming" +"What can be said about a person with an obsession for sleeveless jackets","They have a vested interest" +"Wife and I planning a dinner party Wife: We've got wines, cheeses, summer sausage","Me: mmmm no I don't think any of the cheeses are sausage" +"What do you call a cow with no legs","Ground beef" +"I was going to wear my camouflage pants today. But","I couldn't find them" +"I'd like to give a big shout out to all the sidewalks out there","For keeping me off the streets" +"Girlfriend went to a medieval restaurant in Latvia today. The distance can't stop the jokes. Today I had an update of her meal there. She told it was a very nice meal but they had deer soup","I told her she should have checked the price 1st" +"A matter of Classification Girlfriend: Are soybeans a vegetable or a legume. Me: Never legume","It makes a leg out of you and me" +"My dad is a religious man, and whenever I would lie as a kid, he would say, “Do you know where liars go","” “Not where they say they’re going" +"You know what a will is, son","It's a dead giveaway" +"My 11 y/o cousin today Had a quiz question about what people from Newcastle (UK) are called (Geordies) Cousin: You know what they call people who are born in Liverpool","Us: Scousers Cousin: No, babies" +"Did you hear about the depressed stir-fry","It hit wok-bottom" +"How do Jedi parents feed their children","They force feed them" +"I'd borrow some money from a leprechaun","but they're always a little short" +"Why do cows have hooves instead of feet","Because they lactose" +"My wife and I were worried. About wether our child will be left or right handed. My wife:“Maybe he’ll be ambidextrous","” Me: “That would be handy”" +"What do you call it when a dinosaur farts","Exstink" +"A String Walked Into A Bar He walked up to the counter, and asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender said, Sorry, but we don't serve your kind here. The string replied, Well, screw you then. and walked out. The next day, the string walked back in. The bartender immediately says, Hey, I told you yesterday, I'm not going to give you a beer. So the string turned around angrily and stormed out. Finally, the next day, the string walked back in. He then walked straight to the bathroom, and he messed around in the mirror a bit. He walked back out and to the bar, and the bartender said Hey, aren't you that same string. He replied, I'm a frayed knot","EDIT: wrong tense" +"What did the ocean say when the beach asked to hang out","Shore" +"Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian","It was the least I could do for him" +"Well, that's unnecessary So I was watching [this](http://youtu. be/p5vSoNEQ7g4) video with my girlfriend when Maisie Williams says that Arya was written left-handed. So I turn to my girlfriend and say wow, George R","Martin is making it awful difficult on himself writing Arya with his left hand" +"my manager got me with a dad joke, so i retaliated with another Me: where is the nearest Argos. Man. : i don't know, should be easy to find though just look for the tall ship Me: what. Tall ship. Man. : yeah. Well it is a pirates favourite shop. *head hits desk* Man. : *smirking to himself* why do you need one anyway","Me: *slowly raises head smiling* they're doing a really great sail" +"What do you get when you cross a hippy with a ninja","Peace and quiet" +"A literal dad joke. I'm not yet a dad, but I've already decided that when my first child is born and my mother says jakeinator21, you're a father I'm going to respond that's apparent","It will be glorious" +"I made this woman breakfast in bed","and all she said was how did you get into my mouse" +"Did you know Stalin got hit in the groin with a potato when he was young","That's how he became a dic-tator" +"What's a dog's favorite sex position","I thought it was doggy style, but my dog said he likes anything that's ruff" +"My grandpa suddenly walked in with a young bearded guy wearing skinny jeans. I said, “Who is this","” Grandpa: My hip replacement" +"What's O in Reddit stands for","Original content" +"I went on a date with a dolphin last night","it was great, we just clicked" +"What is a sadists favorite candy","S&M&Ms" +"A magic bird that burns up and regenerates. That's hard to believe","Someone just pulled that story out of their ash" +"I was just attacked by a Canadian man with a bowl of pancake mix","It was assault and batter, eh" +"What is invisible and smells like carrots","Rabbit farts" +"Do you wear boxers or briefs","Depends" +"Got dad-joked by my college coach My college cross country coach was a source of endless terrible jokes. One time, the team was preparing to embark on a long run from campus, and our coach told us to be careful. Did you heard about the guy who got hit by a car last week. He lost his left arm and his left leg. Oh no. Is he ok","He's all right now" +"My daughter had to draw circles for a kindergarten project","I said that’s pointless" +"When it comes to baby delivering, a stork can deliver a baby","But a heavy baby might need a crane" +"My dad and girlfriend had just met; we were at dinner together. Her: I'll be right back. Dad: Oh. Where are you going. Her: I'm going to run to the restroom. Dad: I mean, you don't have to run. Walking works too","Me: *groans*" +"Its one thing to own a chicken, but two chickens","that's two things" +"What's the only US State that's round on both sides, and high in the middle","Ohio" +"My ex-wife still misses me","But her aim is getting better" +"The look on my mom's face was priceless. Last saturday, I was at my parents' house to watch the game. While my dad and I are watching, my mom is on her laptop looking at trees to plant in the back yard, and constantly asking my dad what he thinks about every species of tree she comes across. Suddenly, my mom's phone receives several text messages, emails, and app notifications simultaneously. My dad looks at her and says, Well, aren't you Poplar today. Leaf me alone and go check your phone. I laughed my ass off, as did he","She was not amused" +"What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would hurt you","A pool table" +"Why did a chicken cross the road","Because it is poultry in motion" +"My dad randomly said this. Dad: What do you call someone with a huge head. Me: What","Dad: The headmaster" +"Why isn't a JetSki","called a boatercycle" +"My Norwegian girlfriend works at the pet store and I saw her checkout a pet bird today","I guess you could say she Scandinavian" +"You know what's really odd","Numbers not divisible by two" +"The chef undercooked my Indian bread","It was a naan issue" +"My daughter: What are we having for dinner. Last night went like this: Daughter: What are we having for dinner. Me: Food Daughter: What kind of food. Me: Good food Daughter (getting visibly frustrated): What kind of good food. Me: Good tasting food Daughter: WHAT IS THE *NAME* OF THE FOOD WE ARE EATING","Me: Oh, I don't know, I think it's Bob or something At which point my wife breaks the chain and actually tells what the dish was called, likely saving me from murder by 7 year old" +"I launched a seafaring business today","I hope it stays afloat" +"One of my new favorite Dad Jokes. Q: What is Whitney Houston's favorite form of coordination","A: HAAAAAAAAND EEEEEEEYYYYEEEEEEE" +"The fruit’s relationship had come to end…","She had to let that mango." +"My wife said, “Why do you always insist on walking ahead of the rest of us. ” I said, “Sorry","I don’t follow" +"Why don't you ever see penguins in England","They're afraid of Wales" +"Saw the damnedest thing at the airport. A vulture was trying to board the plane with a dead, rotting animal hanging out of its mouth. Gate agent tried to stop him","and the vulture said, I'm clearly permitted one piece of carrion luggage" +"My wife said she wants to go on a family camping trip this summer. Me: I dont know if thats a good idea, with my anxiety and all. Wife: What are you talking about","Me: It just sounds a little to in-tents" +"Are U2 Irish. My dad, sister and I were driving home the other night when a U2 song came on the radio. He asked us if we knew what the song was about (Sunday Bloody Sunday). I knew, and mentioned it's unfortunate source. My sister then asks from the back seat Are U2 Irish. to which my dad responds Nope. We're Canadian. and then begins laughing so hard that he is practically in tears and snorting. He didn't stop for a good 2 or 3 minutes","My sister and I just shook our heads slowly" +"It all","The title says it all." +"My dad pulled a fast one on me. Me (eating hot dogs): Damn, I love how relish and mustard go so well together. It's like they're made for each other or something. Dad: I didn't know you like relish and mustard that much. Me: Me neither, this is really good. Dad: Well that was quite the","complement" +"When it comes to reliable technology","you can always count on an abacus" +"No matter what vacuum cleaner you buy","They all suck" +"How do you wake up Lady Gaga","Poker Face" +"A chef was invited to the white house to cook breakfast for the president. Before he started though, he was given some words of wisdom by the president himself","Break an egg" +"Im not a dad but I'm practicing my jokes still. My mom spilled some soda at my sister's graduation party and I was helping my grandma find a towel when she says: We need to find the Terry cloth. To which I replied How do you know the towel's names","Only my dad laughed but I felt good about it" +"By itself this hand is ugly. But add another hand and now it's","Hand sum" +"If you cannot pee","Urine trouble" +"Do people know what to call a person with no body and no nose","I'm pretty sure nobody knows (better spoken than in text)" +"I asked my kids if they liked my grandmother","They said she's a great grandmother" +"Why does it stink in the Oval Office","Because Trump loves Putin" +"Want to know how to tell a","DNAs gender you pull down it's genes" +"Grandpa hit me with this jem So just the other day someone assaulted me with cheese milk and yogurt","How dairy" +"What do clouds wear under their pants","Thunderwear" +"A Stork will always bring you a baby","But a Swallow never will" +"Rosemary is brought home to new fridge. She observes the other herbs with much interest and notes one herb stands out as the clear leader of the pack. She asks her only friend so far Marjoram who that is","Marjoram says: “In here, he’s kind of a big Dill" +"Did you hear about that new fast food chain in Canada","It's called chik-fil-eh" +"What do you call an alligator in a vest","An investigator" +"A man assaulted me with milk, cream and butter","How dairy" +"What’s red and bad for your teeth","A brick" +"Whenever. I encountered one of life's little traumas, my. Dad would take me to one side and say it could be worse - you could be submerged in water twenty foot down a dark shaft . Bless him -","He meant well" +"I once fought an elephant singlehandedly. and broke its tooth","I'm tellin' ya , it wasn't an easy tusk" +"A string walks into a bar And the bartender says, We don't serve your kind here. So the string leaves and comes back twisted up and it's hair parted. Bartender says, Hey aren't you that same string from earlier. I'm a frayed knot","Says the string" +"Dad thinks he can science. Dad: I heard Albert Freinkenstien was the smartest scientist on earth. Me: dad your full of crap sometimes. Dad: . scientifically, yes","wow lol" +"I’m thinking about starting a neighborhood watch","It would be right up my alley" +"My wife was mad at me because she said. I have no sense of direction. So","I packed up my stuff and right" +"How many tickles does is take to make an octopus laugh","Tentacles" +"Got a co worker yesterday Him: I studied abroad in Chile Me: What was her name","Silence and confusion followed, he didn't get it" +"I used to work at the calendar factory . but was fired for taking a couple of days off. Not unknown, but a fave. I also wanted to say I became a certified dad today","I plan on utilizing this sub to torture my new child" +"Having size 15 shoes is a great accomplishment. After all","It’s no small feet" +"Why aren't paper jokes funny","They always fall flat" +"Whats a dogs favorite drink","Pupsi" +"I once got lost in the desert and thought. I saw a celebrity in the distance. Turns out it was just a. Nicki","Mirage." +"Does anyone have any weight loss mantras","Fat chants" +"What happens when a grenade goes off in a French bathroom","Linoleum Blown-Apart" +"“Dad, what is the unit of power","” Dad: Yes" +"I asked my wife how she liked my longer hair. Her - I like it but what do you think","Me - I'm not sure but it's growing on me" +"Whipped this one out at work One of my coworkers is a transsexual. He (formerly she) was telling me about some of his struggles. I had to go up to the corporate level in order to be able to use the restroom. Some people here were uncomfortable with me using either the mens or women's room when they found out. So, what you're telling me is. You had to fight for your right to potty. At first he facepalmed and sighed, admittedly I was a little worried I might have offended him","But he did get a chuckle out of it" +"What creature is smarter than a talking parrot. A spelling bee","\*insert laugh track here\*" +"Through and through I would always freak out driving to work under a mountain with my co-workers","Turns out I had carpool tunnel syndrome" +"I was explaining Aquaman to my dad. After seeing Jason Momoa confirmed to play Aquaman in the upcoming Batman v Superman film, my family was sitting around talking about the superhero when this happened: **Sister**: Aquaman can talk to fish. What kind of power is that. That's not going to stop a bank robbery","**Dad**: It would if they were *liquid* assets" +"What do you call a cow with no legs","Ground beef" +"Where does bad light go to","Prism" +"My wife screamed: You haven't listened to a single word I've said have you","What a weird way to start a conversation" +"My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help","” I told her I think it’s worth a shot" +"What do you call two worms who are in love with each other","Soilmates" +"What kind of dance do mother's like best","The mom-ba Happy mother's day" +"What did the volcano say to his girlfriend","I lava you and think you're so hot" +"I was gonna post about time traveling","Turns out you guys didn’t like it" +"Never have a pillow fight with Death","Unless you're ready to handle those reaper cushions" +"People are saying you get free awards for upvoting","I don't buy it" +"My brother and I were playing Mario Kart My brother finished a mario kart double dash race in 2 minutes, 39. 001 seconds. He said that if he was a millisecond faster he would have had an even second","I reminded him no, it would have been an odd second" +"I just got my father","He adopted me today" +"There's a new show on Broadway based on the dictionary","It's a play on words" +"Say what you like about Donald Trump","He's probably not in the same room as you" +"Dadjoked my girlfriend at her job She was working in the shoe section at a major department store, and after she helped someone find some shoes and purchase them I told her Wow, you're very sole-ful when selling shoes. she responded with a bit of a facepalm and groan. I continued to make puns about shoes for several minutes and I finished with Maybe I could master the feet(feat) of making puns about shoes","I suppose she gets tired of hearing my puns but I love her reactions to them" +"Wife told me she couldn't find vegetarian mince at the supermarket","I told her she should have tried the Quorner shop" +"Why they put a bell around a cow's neck","Because its horn doesn't ring" +"I don’t mean to be racist, but","I’m just not a fan of NASCAR" +"I just took a pill that makes you defy gravity","Hell of a comedown." +"Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass. Your lawn looks so much better than mine","Neighbor Dad 2: That’s on a need to mow basis" +"What do cows study in college","Commoonication" +"Why did the farmer get arrested for having headaches","Because he had my grains" +"What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle","Attire" +"What has 5 toes but isn’t your foot","My foot" +"I had a date cancel on me because she claimed to be constipated","She's so full of shit" +"Why can't your tongue be 12 inches long","Because then it would be a foot" +"I was arrested this morning for trying to kill a man with sandpaper, which is ludicrous,","I was only trying to rough him up a little." +"How do meteorologists get paid","Rain checks" +"I’m so tired of this sub","I said, after ordering the same thing at subway yet again" +"Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets","Then it hit me" +"At the end of prayers, why do people say 'amen' instead of 'our women'","Because they sing hymns, not hers" +"Today, my son asked me Can I have a book mark. and I burst into tears 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian","(The joke is not from me tho)" +"I have to learn Mandarin at my new college","As a part of my orientation programme" +"A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says Wow. In all my years tending bar, I've never had a weasel stop by. What can I get you","Pop, goes the weasel" +"Singing in the shower is all fun and games till you get shampoo in your mouth","Thats when it becomes a soap opera" +"I loved my dad Me: I'm going to run to the store right quick Dad: What for. You've gotta perfectly good car parked right there. Me: Gonna go home dad. I'll holler at you later. Dad: That's a long way to yell, just call me on the phone","Miss you dad" +"Did you hear about the scuba shop that went out of business","It went under" +"My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot","It was a grave mistake" +"When you speak two languages, you hit the phase that you slightly forget both languages","It's called bye-lingual" +"How do you know your girl ain't prego","She's on the ragu" +"State of Purchase. Last week my girlfriend sent me a snap of some chocolate she bought with the caption solid purchase. I immediately replied with a picture of some windex with the caption liquid purchase","She was not impressed" +"What is a republican president's favorite weapon","A Reagun" +"I bet deer like to play Xbox and playstations","I hear they are a bit gamey" +"At a costume party: Host: what are you. Me: a harp Host: your costume’s a little small to be a harp, isn’t it","Me: are you calling me a lyre" +"Why did the candle quit her job","She was too burnt out" +"[x-post /r/Jokes] [OC] An old blacksmith was working in his shop. when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work. One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company, the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him. Life, said the old man, because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine. The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left. Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on the old man’s head had been cut . The granddaughter would often come to visit to see how her grandfather and the dog were doing, and she was always glad to see that her grandfather was still happy. But at night, the old man would still sit in front of the fireplace with Life on his lap, gazing into the fireplace as flames cast dancing shadows across the room and he fell asleep to thoughts of his old smithing days. One morning as the old man was getting the morning newspaper from the front porch, Life sprinted past him through the front door because he had spotted a squirrel across the street. Before the little dog could catch up with his prey, a speeding car struck the poor animal. The car came to a screeching halt and the old man hobbled as quickly as his old legs could carry them to his precious companion who lay whimpering on the side of the road. The little dog was alive but badly injured. The man who was driving the car got out to apologize to the old man, but his regrets went unnoticed by the weeping old man who only wanted to tend to his injured dog. Life’s two hind legs appeared limp and broken and the dog panted and whimpered as the old man carried him back into the house. The old man knew that his dog’s injuries required medical attention but because he was out of work, he wasn’t able to afford a veterinarian. Determined, the old man did the only thing he knew how to do. He found some of his old blacksmithing tools and scrap metal from his garage and proceeded to start a fire in his fireplace. His hands lacked the strength and precision they once had but eventually, he was able to forge a crude set of brackets that would hold the dog’s legs in place as his injuries healed. The old man tended to dog’s every need until eventually, Life was able to stand up on his own and soon enough, the dog could walk, and after a few more weeks, he could even manage a awkward, limping run. Unfortunately, the old blacksmith’s craftsmanship was lacking due to his own previous injuries and the braces that he had forged would often break when the dog ran too quickly, so the old man found himself back at the fireplace with his tools forging replacement parts for his little dog’s leg braces. It was tiresome, difficult work with his old frail hands, but he was determined to give his dog the best life that he could, so he kept at it. One day, as the old man was forging a new set of parts for his dog’s leg braces, an ember jumped from the fireplace, catching the carpet on fire. The old man couldn’t get to the kitchen quickly enough to get a pail of water to put the fire out and tragically, the old blacksmith and his dog both perished as the house was engulfed in flames. The next day, the granddaughter and her father came to where the old blacksmith’s house once stood and they began to search through the ashes and rubble for anything they could salvage as a keepsake of their lost loved one. “You know,” said the girl to her father, “I’m really happy that grandpa’s last years were as joyful as they were. Even though he was really sad that he couldn’t make a living as a blacksmith anymore, he really did seem happy after I brought him that puppy. ” “Yes dear,” said the father. The daughter continued, “But isn’t it sad how his house was burnt down when he was making one of those leg braces for his dog","” The father looked down and picked up a small piece of metal from the ashes and said “That’s one of Life’s little iron knees" +"When is Mount Interest the tallest","At it’s pique" +"My local pet store only had cages full of nickels for some reason. All","I'm looking for is a nickel-less cage" +"Why did the squirrel swim on it’s back","To keep it’s nuts dry" +"My friend screeched, heyyyyy, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you","What a strange way to start a conversation with me" +"Something happened at the. Mexican restaurant. But","I don't want to taco bout it." +"What do you call someone who sells their body for Wendy’s ice cream","A frosty-tute" +"NSFW: The Truth About Video Games All these video games with their epic orchestral musical scores","Those concerned moms are right: there’s way too much violins in video games" +"I used to be a wrestler. I would get a guy in a head lock and write my name on their forehead","It was my signature move" +"Did you know that you can tell an ant's gender by dropping it in a glass of water. If it sinks, girl ant","If it floats, buoyant" +"This morning I got on the scales to weigh myself","my wife walked by and I sucked in my gut, she said That won't help I said Yes it will, now I can see the numbers" +"I just watched an hour long documentary on “How to Properly Enter through a Door","” Don’t knock it till you try it" +"Talking about a gift \- So what are you gonna give her, any idea","\- Nope, I don't think she likes ideas very much" +"How do you find Will Smith when he’s lost in the snow","You just look for fresh prints" +"I'm gonna go hop in the shower . Dad:","Don't fall" +"A fish gets stuck under coral","So he yells for kelp" +"What do you call a waffle on a. California beach","A sandy eggo" +"What do you call a fake noodle","An impasta" +"Got a couple of friends pretty good. Played hearts for the first time yesterday with the girlfriend and another friend. We played a variant where the Jack of Diamonds was worth extra points. In the first round, I played the jack in one trick and inadvertently lost it to the more experienced player. That is what happens if you play the jack too early, she said. Me: Premature Jack-ulation","Laughs/ groans" +"I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall","I thought “hmm, that’s a little condescending l”" +"My unborn child is a total slob","I keep having to yell at her to clean up her womb" +"Look Dad, it's a Parasaurolophus. Hmm. I only see one. Where's the other saurolophus","" +"Lesbian Crush A while back there was this lesbian who had a crush on me, and my boyfriend, being the loveable asshole he is, says she's obviously just not thinking straight . He was completely unaware so I responded with one word: Exactly","He had never been more proud" +"Driving through Florida with my parents when we see a cow field. It must suck to be a cow in Florida, they're probably really hot said my mom. Yeah probably, but not as hot as they'll be when they're on the grill. replied dad","Classic dad" +"How do the fish police question suspects","They use the good carp, bad carp method" +"I took a photo of my friend. Lee, printed it out at x2 scale and stuck it on the side of the building,","Largely for comedic purposes." +"Dad is visiting and dropping jokes everywhere. Pulling into the Home Depot parking lot when my dad says, I wonder if John Deere is related to John Doe. At my blank face, he says, Because a doe is a deer, you know","Painful groans ensue" +"What do you call a person who pretends to be a college student","A college athlete" +"How do you kill a hipster","You drown them in the mainstream" +"What’s the best thing for a hangover","Drink heavily the night before" +"My dad text me this awful joke last night. Dad: Hey, do you remember that Scandinavian lady I've been seeing the last few months. Me: Yeah. Dad: Well, I need to tell you something. She's pregnant. Me: Wow, that's. great. Dad: One kid's enough for me, thanks","I knew I shouldn't have Finnished inside" +"the t-rex asked the stegosaurus, what's another word for honesty. stegosaurus said, i don't know","ask thesaurus" +"How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed,","Your nose is touching the ceiling" +"What do you call a polar bear in the jungle","Lost" +"I went to my friend’s house and noticed her cat had a prosthetic leg","I wanted to ask about it but figured it was a faux paw." +"Daddy why are you wearing stripes","So I don't get spotted" +"What my dad would say to guests when introducing me and my sister. These are my children from my first marriage","(He is still married to my mom, his first wife)" +"Today I got my dad and a job promotion. >Me: Dad, I just got a new job and the only applicants were me, myself, and I. >Dad: So you were the best candidate. >Me: Well no, Me and Myself declined the job, so of course I took it","I am to young to be a dad" +"Son, do you want to eat lunch. Dad: Son, do you want to eat lunch. Son: Sure, what are the options. Dad: Yes and no","" +"My girlfriend is starting sorority rush tonight Her dad: Enjoy your vodka, fur coat, and caviar tonight. Girlfriend: What","Dad: Aren't you Russian" +"My new favorite instrument is. Steel. Drums","Because even when they're broken, they're steel drums" +"I took my father out for an early father's day dinner We got our meals (both ordered the porterhouse) and it comes with a sprig of thyme as garnish on the plate. He picks it up and puts it on his shoulder and sings Thyme it's on my side, yes it is. The server proceeds to tell us it is rosemary, and he started singing Rosemary is on my side, yes it is","Laughter and eye rolls ensure" +"At waffle house with my dad We were sitting at a booth at waffle house like we do every saturday morning when i look across the street and see that the petsmart there is closing down. Me: Is Petsmart going out of business","Dad: Yeah, i heard that place really went to the dogs" +"What do you call a bunch of idiots that fall over","Dumb-n-oes" +"Got my boyfriend while cooking dinner Me; just go drink a soda Bf; I can't, I'm out of soda. Me; oh, that sounds soda-pressing My whole appartment groaned","Worth it" +"What do you call Raymond's bigoted tumor","A Ray-Cyst" +"What fruit is named after a city in France","Pear is" +"What do you say to your sister when she's crying","Are you having a crisis" +"Nursing these jokes Since my wife has been breastfeeding our third child, it's occurred to me, this is the only situation in which she's ever looked forward to a let-down. She's also been expressing herself quite well","Yes, I've been milking this for all it's worth" +"did you hear about the kidnapping at school today","it’s fine, he woke up" +"why aren't amputees dangerous","Because they're unarmed" +"Did you hear about the person that transitioned to a chocolate bar","Their preferred pronouns are her/she" +"Your best This _____ walks into a bar joke. Here's mine: This mushroom walks into a bar, and sidles up to a blonde sitting by herself. He buys her a drink, then asks her out. Sorry, I don't date mushrooms, she replies. Why not. he responds","I'm a funghi" +"My 8 year old son wrote this Adele dad joke in the car this morning Him: What's Adele's favorite number. Me: I don't know, 25. Him: No, 0","7734 (he was playing with a calculator at the time)" +"What did Tennessee","The same thing that Arkansas" +"What do you call it when a thousand rabbits jump backwards","A receding hare line" +"A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a girl name Clearly. Lorraine suddenly dies","At the funeral the man sings 'I can see Clearly now that Lorraine is gone'" +"After playing dubstep, my dad said this one","The only drop this needs is off a bridge." +"Can a ninja throw a star","SHUR-HE-CAN" +"My wife asked me what type of coffin I want when I die","I told her that is the last thing I need and to surprise me" +"My blind friend made me a nice greeting card in Braille","It was touching" +"I cleaned the attic with your mom yesterday. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair","" +"Me: this is my house. Friend: what's upstairs","Me: stairs don't talk" +"I angered two people by callling them hipsters","Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins" +"The Pope walks into a Hindu temple","The priest looks up and says, “Why the wrong faith" +"Driving in the car with my boyfriend's uncle when we passed a cemetery. Uncle: You see that cemetery. Everyone's just dying to get in","Everyone else: *groans*" +"What is the grandmother from New Orleans favorite food","Gran-nola bars" +"I had a threesome last night. There were a couple of no shows but","I still had a good time." +"I wonder if mosquitoes like. Taylor. Swift","Because she has bad blood" +"If you are on a plane, you must be powerful","because you know people in high places" +"Don't let your dogs have grapes","Just raisin awareness!" +"My friend told me not to make jokes about potassium","K." +"I use a crow to wake me up in the morning","There’s caws for alarm" +"I was walking out of the store when I was approached by a crazed man who threw a short but large nail into the air","He seemed non-aggressive at first, but he’s quite angry now and it appears I’m under a tack" +"If you boil a funny bone","does it become a laughing stock" +"Why do sharks live in salt water","Because pepper water makes them sneeze" +"What's a weeaboo's favorite chemical element","Manganese" +"I used to know how to throw a boomerang","It's not coming back to me now." +"What kind of medicine used to be a power tool","Benadryl" +"At work at PetSmart, little boy yells guess what. I have 3 knees. My manager takes the bait, says oh yeah. He yells yeah my left one, my right one, and a weeKNEE. Child giggles ensue. Instilling dad jokes at a young age. Dadding done right","(:" +"What do laser guns and churches have in common","Pews" +"Limousine Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver","Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffer it" +"Bad puns","are how eye roll" +"I am terrifed of elevators. So","I am going to start taking steps to avoid them." +"Stepdaughter pun that I never thought I'd hear. Brief background: stepdaughter is 20 years old and has always hated when I make puns/dadjokes So my step daughter just came downstairs heading out for work and just as she's walking out the door I noticed she has only one shoe on. Me: Hey. You know you only have one shoe on, right. Her: yeah, the other one is in my car Me (visibly confused): uh. ok Her: you might say I'm a step ahead The door shuts, my jaw dropped. I run to the door, open it, Was that a pun. did you just make a dad joke. She replies only with a smirk","I'm so proud" +"What must you learn after contracting Rabies","Your Rabie-Cs" +"A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors. But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect","Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man" +"He HAD to take advantage of all of the Facebook spam in the news today. http://imgur","com/a/7KGvb Thanks dad" +"I once got kicked out of 2 olive gardens for eating too many breadsticks. My friend asked me how many exactly","I said, Olive them" +"Whats the best thing about Train's album","The tracks" +"What do you call 100 rabbits running away in single file","A receding hareline" +"My friend used to work PC support, but is now in construction","He's really great at installing Windows" +"I got my grandmother on the topic of Chinese destiny. My grandmother was getting rid of a box of books, one of which was titled I Ching. I asked her how to pronounce that word (like e-ching) after which she asked if I knew about it at all","I then responded with No, but I am I Ching to hear about it" +"What do you give a sick lemon","Lemonaid" +"Two guys walk into a bar","The third one ducks" +"What do you call a fake bamboo plant. Shamboo","Got a good groan from my wife for that one" +"I bought some noise cancelling headphones. I thought people would find them annoying but so far","I haven't heard any complaints." +"The person running the drive-thru was a bit hard of hearing. We were getting some food from Panda Express, and the lady kept getting our orders horribly wrong. After we finally pulled up to the window, my dad turned to me and said: Trying to order food from here is PANDA-monium","I just facepalmed while he cracked up" +"When the finish line referee pulled out a second stopwatch, I left the race","No way I trust that two timer" +"Selling old batteries","Free of charge" +"An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, That poor old couple. all they can afford is one meal for the two of them. As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything. Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, What is it you are waiting for","She answered, THE TEETH" +"What's the difference between a well dressed man on bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle","Attire" +"I wanna buy a. Focus. But. I don't think","I can aford it." +"Why is fatty acid the coolest carbon chain","Because it's fat with a pH" +"All men should make coffee","It says so in the Bible Hebrews" +"The. Black. Eyed. Peas starts to play on the radio","I ask my dad what he likes about them and he says “I like them because they’re good for you”" +"My wife jumped out of bed because she thought of a great dad joke to tell me","She’s a stand up comedian" +"Don't try to get a career in counterfeiting","You won't make any real money" +"Jedi's make lousy spouses","They always threaten to use divorce." +"How do you fix a broken tuba","With a tuba glue" +"My friend lied about creating a cloth that can easily be ripped to remove sleeves","It was a tearable fabrication" +"What do you notice first about a lady ghost","Her boooooooobs" +"Did I tell you guys about the bear I saw when I went to vote. It was a poller bear","I couldn't believe it" +"I missed my Doctors Appointment","I called in Sick" +"Why did the propane truck driver get a speeding ticket","He was hauling gas" +"An Englishman, a Scotsman, A Welshman, An American, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, a South African, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, and a Buddhist went to a nightclub","The doorman said, I'm sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai" +"Corrected my wife at the zoo We went with our 2 boys. Leaving the alligator exhibit, she said to our older son, Say, 'Bye, alligators. ' . At which I loudly huffed and vehemently pointed out the missed opportunity","I mean, 'see ya later, alligators" +"Wife says see with 2 kids this is why I can't cook","I need 4 hands I then said even better you have forearms" +"Daddy, how do you spell your name","Y-o-u-r N-a-m-e" +"Last night I watched a documentary on how ships were built","It was riveting" +"Make sure u drink plenty of milk","It's full of cowcium" +"What do you call three cats standing on top of each other, wearing a trench coat, pretending to be human","A purrson" +"What did John Fogerty say when the flight attendant told him they were overbooked for First Class seats","Put me in coach" +"Been a dad for two years, finally posting something on here","Something" +"When my Dad gets drunk, he always tells stories about his prize chickens","He sure loves his cock-tales" +"Where does a sneeze point","Achoo" +"I’m writing a musical about puns","It’s a play on words" +"A doctor pulls out his rectal thermomete, and says","Damn some asshole has my pen" +"I’m not a fan of diagonally-cut sandwiches","I find them two crusty" +"I was gonna give archery a shot","But theres too many drawbacks" +"There are extremely large bodies of water that have never been touched in any way before","I guess you could call them the virgin seas" +"Whats Harry Potter's favorite way of traveling. Walking","JK rolling" +"The first symptom of diarrhea is always a surprise","You never see that sh*t coming" +"not mine (credits to the person it belongs to. Wife: Our relationship is over. Me (through the walkie-talkie): Our relationship is what",", Over" +"The stunned look on her face was my reward. My daughter and her boyfriend were sitting on the couch playing COD. I caught her attention, and gently threw a Tide laundry pod at her. She caught it, looked at the pod, and then up to me in confusion. I held eye contact with her for a few seconds and then simply said","Podcast" +"My girlfriend asked me if she could mix alfredo and marinara sauces on her spaghetti, I said","Anything's pastabowl" +"How can you tell an ant’s gender. Put it in water","If it sinks it’s a girl ant, If it floats it’s buoyant" +"Dad, that man accused you and Mom of being something called pyromaniacs. Is that true","Yes, we arson" +"To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you","You have my Word" +"My mom asked me why I drew on my hands with red pen","My dad said he wanted his palms red" +"What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup","Anybody can roast beef" +"My dad once told me a really smart butt joke","Actually it was more of a wise crack." +"What do you call a Jewish crustacean","A crabbi" +"My son started playing for the youth hockey team in Nashville","Go Child Predators" +"Hey a train just went by here. How do you know that dad","Look you can see it's tracks" +"Got my dad to roll his eyes at me today with a classic. Making small talk on the way to the store: You know. I'm an organ donor, but. I also have a couple pianos. I could sell for a reasonable price . He won't admit it but","I know he's proud" +"Why do I say yes all the time","I don't no" +"My father will repeat the same joke for months if he thinks he struck gold. Whenever my father meets a new person and mentions the fact that we have bought a second dog (even though we bought this dog more than a year ago) he will say oh yes, we've gone to the dogs","Which of course elicits a groan from me, after hearing this joke for the 60th time, and a light polite laughter from his latest victim, all while my father looks incredibly smug like he's the funniest guy on earth" +"Dad, can I go to East Africa","I dunno, Kenya" +"I watched Medieval Times with my dad earlier this week **Herald:** And we introduce the Red Knight, the Blue Knight, Black/White Knight, etc. **Dad to me:** But do you see the knight that's sleeping over there. **Me:** What. Which one. **Dad:** The goodnight","*Cue groan from mother as I laugh*" +"My son was dared to eat moldy bread He ate the whole thing","Man, He's such a fungi" +"My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner","Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it." +"I lost my watch at a party on Saturday. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose","No one does that to a woman, not on my watch" +"Have you heard the one about the deaf guy","Neither did he" +"Today my husband got my three year old son. I don't want to scare you, but","you have a skeleton hiding in your body" +"Does anyone know how to charge milk","Mine is stuck at 1%" +"I didn’t always want a brain transplant, but then","I changed my mind." +"Stock up. said my dad as he tossed a bag of shredded cheese onto my lap","Donald Trump is going to make America grate again" +"Wife and I were at a petting zoo. I asked if she had ever tasted donkey before. She said no, and asked if I had. I told her it tastes like ass","I'm not a dad yet, but I feel I'm ready for when we do make that choice" +"What's a mathematician's favorite type of toilet paper","Multiply" +"What kind of music do mummy's like","Rap" +"What starts with P and ends in orn , and most men like it","Popcorn" +"I went to my local gym and noticed that they had gone out of business","I guess that it wasn't working out" +"His mom was at work, and sister at daycare Son: It's kind of like a father and son day. Me: Kind of","Son: Except it's not Son-day" +"Arthur's dad [x-post /r/funny] http://i. imgur. com/wUWBCGL","jpg" +"How did the pharaoh get so rich","He was running a huge pyramid scheme" +"I just invented a machine that trims window coverings","Prepare to have your blinds mowed" +"Do you know how ber I am","sober" +"Trying hard to give up my addiction to number 1 songs","I just need one more hit" +"A son walks outside his house on a foggy morning","His dad then yells from inside get your head out of the clouds" +"Just wanted to share my dad’s stupid little joke. We were eating pizza with stuffed crust the other night. As we finished, he told us all, “man, I’m stuffed. ” It was even funnier that he was crying of laughter","I love my dad" +"Men spreading their legs","Is a dick move" +"I finally made my bucket list, more on it than I thought","Mop bucket Car washing bucket Garden bucket Ice bucket Recycling bucket Metal bucket Decorating bucket Nest of buckets Small bucket Orange bucket Foldable bucket" +"Why did simba’s dad die","He didn’t mufasa nuf 😭" +"Sure, Jesus could walk on water","But Stephen Hawking ran on Batteries" +"My father dad joked our kayaking guide yesterday. My family went sea kayaking yesterday and our guide's name was Nate. When the guide introduced himself my dad said in his corniest, most exaggerated fake Australian accent good day Nate","I groaned along with the rest of my family while my dad chuckled to himself for the next thirty seconds" +"I used to work as a human cannonball at the circus. I was fired","(oc)" +"I would like to be paid to sleep","It would be my dream job" +"What do you call a single orzo in a bag of rice","An impasta" +"What my friend's dad, who was a surgeon, would say when he was being annonying Are you the doctor now","Because you've been testing my patience all day" +"Fake hair isn't free","You have toupee" +"Dad today: The guy who invented the throat lozenge died","They said there was no coffin at the funeral" +"What are you going to do this weekend. I'm going to buy glasses. And then what","Then I'll see" +"What do corals get stressed about","Current events" +"Why did the farmer get an award","He was out standing in his field" +"An old high school teacher made a great fall-themed dad joke on Facebook today (with a pic) http://i. imgur. com/oHySaRL","png" +"Why do hipsters wear scarves in the summer","They want to wear them before its cool" +"A man hears his doorbell ring. He goes to answer it. He sees a snail on the doorbell. He picks it up and launches it into the yard","1 year later the snail comes back, rings the bell, and asks “what the hell was that for" +"I just bought a thesaurus and found all of the pages are blank","… I have no words to describe my ANGER" +"How did Harry and Hermione get down the hill","Dumbling down" +"Would anyone be interested in being my companion","Asking for a friend" +"Hey. See the cemetery we are passing now. Well, the man who invented the crossword is actually buried there","his grave is 3 down and 7 across" +"What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle","Attire" +"God damnit Dad So my family and I went to a local diner over the weekend and the ordering went like this. **Waitress**: Hello everyone welcome to the Diner. What are you guys having to eat this morning. **Mom:** I'll get the hash with a side of bacon and two eggs please. **Waitress:** how do you like your eggs. **Mom:** Over easy please. **I chime in:** I'll take the steak and eggs. Eggs over medium please. **look over at my dad and he's smirking and I can tell he's up to something** **Waitress:** and how about for the Dad. **Dad:** I'll take the Country Fried Steak please. **Waitress**: okay that comes with two sides, what would you like **Dad:** I'll take the hash browns and eggs please. He's smiling. I'm thinking dad wtf are you doing with that face you're making right now. Please don't tell m you're going to **Waitress:** okay Sir how would you like your eggs **Me thinking:** OMFG I know wtf he's about to say. Don't you dare dad Don't you fking dare **Waitress:** Sir, how do you like your eggs. Is Over easy okay. **Dad:** Over Here if you can. > > > > **Dad and Mom are going nuts. ** My brother and i have our head in hands","God damnit Dad" +"Guy in front of me was driving in both his lane and mine. My dad said he must have gone to","Tulane university" +"Cannibals are basically disrespectful,","They keep biting the hands that feed them" +"Did you hear the one about the statue that left her husband","She was tired of being taken for granite" +"Why did they stop the leper hockey game","There was a face off in the corner" +"Mom pulled this one on me today. Has she been a dad this whole time. News: Larry Hogan was sworn in today as the 62nd Governor of Maryland. Mom: So he was only governor for one minute. Such pun. Much groan","Wow" +"So. I got new hair implants yesterday","Didn't like them at first but they're starting to grow on me" +"Got my girlfriend with this today, her 13 year old sister just bought her first high heels. Her: she's too young for heels, like where's she going to wear them","Me: on her feet" +"Bought a brand new Tesla Model 3 yesterday and the interior smells a little funny","It's got kind of an Elon Musk" +"Dad, how do stars die","Dad: Usually by overdose" +"I’m just itching","to tell you about my allergies" +"My name is. Noah. Me to my brother: I'm appalled that you started eating without us . Father: No, you're a-Noahed","I sighed loudly and multiple times." +"What did the skeleton say to the dog","You wanna bone" +"Where do wizards put their robes after washing them. In the Dumble Dryer","(Thought of only days after becoming a dad, finally found a place to share it where it'll be appreciated)" +"A girl came up to me in a vegetarian restaurant and said she recognised me","I thought it was weird as I never met herbivore" +"Where do ducks fart from","their ads quack" +"Dad: What do you call bears with no ears. Me: I don't know, what","Dad: **B" +"Hey, I got a joke for ya. It's a long one, so bear with me","Joooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooke" +"While learning a song on her ukulele: GF - I don't know what A minor is","Me - It's a person under the age of 18" +"So for the past several days, I've been sending my friend a dad joke per day. I hoped at least one would make him laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. - (And yes, I really did, just to make this joke to him","The resulting groan was worth the ten-day setup :p)" +"Every time we're eating at a restaurant and we hear the sound of somebody dropping a plate my dad says very loudly","Job opening" +"I asked a friend for a small favour. So I asked a friend to bid a little bit on stuff I have on ebay. He didn't have much time and asked me for a favour instead, so I did that for him with the concluding words: And now you do my bidding. I patted myself on the shoulder after that","Edit: Grammar" +"If someone with no legs jumps,","Is it a hip hop?" +"The phone rings. Dad: What does the caller ID say. Mom: Private caller. Dad: Don't answer that","We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher" +"In spite of all our disagreements on. Reddit,. I’m really glad","That everyone reading this is on the same page." +"Why should you never buy velcro shoes","They are a rip off" +"How did the pasta noodle win an award for being a great playwright","Because he rigatoni" +"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom","Because the pee is silent" +"I told my doctor. I was constipated","He said Yeah, no shit." +"What is the hardest working insect. A lot of people say ants, but you know","Flies are really on top of their shit" +"What do you call someone who hops on a buck and rides away on it","Deerly departed" +"Got my wife pretty good last night Came out of the store and my daughter pointed out the moon. She's learning about moon phases and such in school. Wife: Is that a new moon. Me: No. I think we've had that one for awhile","" +"Want some dead batteries","They’re free of charge" +"My dad was at my apartment earlier today. Dad: where are your cups. Me: There should be some Solo cups in the cabinet above the fridge. Dad: *opens cabinet* I thought you said you had Solo cups. Me: Yeah, they're right there. Dad: But these are so high","Me: *groan*" +"Got my Dad with this one I was recently cast in a production of Romeo and Juliet. My Dad texted me asking when the show was. Dad: Date for Romeo","Me: Juliet, duh" +"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer","I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day" +"What kind of TV changes channels by itself","An ADHD TV" +"My wife asked me what my pants size is","I couldn't help myself- i told her A butt-load" +"The. World. Health. Organization is hosting a new event to show their thoughtfulness and concern for human health. The event will be affectionately named. WHO","Cares" +"You remind me of a newly paved road","Re-tarred" +"I keep randomly screaming broccoli and cauliflower","The doctor says i have florets." +"My girlfriend poked me in the eyes","so I stopped seeing her for a little while" +"What time is it when an elephant sits on your watch. (extended version) *Time to get a new watch* **(Then later)** *What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence","* *I don't know what time it is, an elephant sat on my watch" +"A customer dadjoked me ad the restaurant. Me (Waiter): Excuse me, have you finished. Him: Actually, I'm Danish. ](http://i1. kym-cdn. com/entries/icons/original/000/014/959/Screenshot_116","png)" +"Went to the doctor the other day. Told him I was constipated","He said I was full of shit" +"My daughter brought her first boyfriend over and I shook his hand. I said, A handshake says a lot about a person, and yours was weak","He said, Your daughter's handshake is good" +"Dropped this one on my lady and daughter. We were driving back from celebrating my daughter's first vocal solo with ice cream and we noticed a new billboard. The billboard read Santa wants bacon this year . I said that was a brilliant idea. It would break up the sweet with some salty. My girlfriend said what about bacon cookies. to which I replied How else are you suppose to cook them","They both groaned loudly" +"Dad joked when asking about Nav system. Dad picked me up from o'hare, I noticed the Nav screen in his jeep was broken, all it showed was a bunch of black and white lines. (See http://imgur. com/xx5xk9o) * What is wrong with your screen. * * Oh it's fine, just watching 50 shades of grey","*" +"Dad, are we pyromaniacs","Yes, we arson" +"My friend said I wouldn’t be able to name two structures that hold water","I was like, “Well, damn" +"I'm 53 today. Dad: Guess what kiddo, I'm 53 today. Kid: Oh wow, Dad, happy birthday. Dad: It's not my birthday, I'm just letting you know I'm 53 today","Kid:" +"How do you make a stepladder","Adopt a ladder that lost its parents" +"Poland has a lot of strip clubs. I guess you could call it","Pole-land" +"If you're Russian when you're going to the bathroom, and Finnish when you're done, what are you while you're there","European" +"My wife insists I’m the cheapest man in the world","I’m not buying it" +"The secret service doesn’t yell “Get down. ” anymore when the President is about to be attacked","They now yell “Donald, Duck" +"My dad grew a herb garden and doesn’t know how he lived so long without one","Guess he’s making up for lost thyme" +"Do you know how much space fungi need to grow","As mushroom as possible" +"Give it to me. , she yelled. I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now. She can scream all she wants","I'm not giving her the fucking umbrella" +"A chemistry student turns to his professor and excitedly exclaims Sir this mountain has exactly 6. 022x10^23 atoms in it","The professor sighs replying no need to make mountains out of mol hills" +"An electricians favorite customer is","the one that's delighted" +"My wife keeps telling me writing my V's as B's makes me Russian. Well, if that's the case","then Soviet" +"Got dadjoked by the bartender I work with. Did you hear about the blonde actress that got stabbed today. I think her name was Reese something. Witherspoon. No with a knife","Hilarity ensued" +"I told my housemate I was gay for noodles Because I like Ramen a lot more than Ra-women","I got a much deserved look and groan for that one" +"What happens to deposed kings","They get throne away" +"Girlfriend's. Dad. Pulled. This. One. Last","Night If the school mascot here is a camel, does that mean that it's hump day everyday?" +"Why do chickens lay eggs","Because if they dropped them, they’d break" +"My wife asked for a surprise, so I gave her this","**This**" +"They say Cain was the first murderer","But between you and me, I don’t think he was abel to do it" +"My friend bought me a telekinetic abacus for my birthday","It wasn't my favourite present but hey, it's the thought that counts" +"What did the snail say while riding on the turtles back","WHEEEEEEEEEE" +"To whoever took my. Microsoft. Word:. I will find you. You have my","Word" +"My parents went to the cemetery where my grandma was buried for Mother's Day this morning. So, my mom was retelling the story to us just now. She said there was a cemetery employee driving around with his sons in a golf cart, and they were passing out those little half bottles of water to all the people out there visiting all the graves","To which my dad responded yeah, but we don't know who drank the other half" +"Why don’t mummies like to go on vacation","They can never seem to unwind" +"What do the astronauts do before they go to space","They plan it" +"Cassettes have an. A side and a. B side. So it makes senses that","CD's came next" +"What do you call a hippies wife","Mississippi" +"The bartender does a little jig whenever he opens a new keg","It's a tap dance" +"I told my husband that I keep dropping everything I touch. Literally anything that comes into my possesion","He replied Get a grip" +"Dad joked on the way to a funeral lunch So we had just finished the ceremony at the cemetery and were driving to lunch when my dad saw a Semi repair shop and said Semi repair, I want it fully repaired","Even his mom's funeral can't keep the dad jokes down" +"What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce","Chicken sees a salad" +"What’s brown and rhymes with snoop. Dr","Dre" +"Local pastry chef brings nightly donations to food shelter","Not all heroes wear crepes" +"What do you call a donkey leg in the desert. A hot piece of ass. Per my bassist","Yes he is actually a dad" +"So did you hear about the student who failed their music class","She left on a bad note" +"Dads are like boomerangs","I hope" +"My twin sister always takes the stairs, but I prefer taking the elevator. I guess","we are raised differently" +"I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in the cage","Zookeeper said it was bread in captivity" +"I started reading a book about anti gravity","I couldn't put it down." +"As a English teacher, I proud of myself at how good my students are teached. Thus I were dismayed when no paper writ by them all was worthy of a mark of even a C","It was D-grading" +"I was trying to figure out what time the sun would rise this morning","Then it dawned on me" +"[NSFW] How does a condom fit a man with five penises","Like a glove" +"Dadjoked my mother-in-law today. My young daughter is still learning to microwave food. She attempted to reheat some of her food last night, but left the fork in the bowl. The wife caught it and pointed out that it could cause the microwave to explode and potentially hit grandma who was sitting with her back to the microwave. Wife (to daughter): You wouldn't want Grandmom to get hit by glass shrapnel and a fork would you. Me (interjecting): Well, at least then I would have a reason to say your Mom is really forked in the head. The MIL nearly choked on her food, but laughed and could appreciate the joke","She know she cray cray" +"Took the shell off my racing snail to see if I could make it go faster","Just made it a bit sluggish" +"Did you hear about the man who was murdered in the tub","It was a bloodbath" +"Dad came out with this excellent pun We were shopping and as we passed through the vegetable aisle he picks up a pack of peppers and starts talking about them. Then this happened: Dad: do you know how many types of pepper there are. Me (feeling the dad joke coming on): no dad, how many types of pepper are there. Dad: well you have green peppers, red peppers, yellow peppers and news peppers","Actually made me chuckle" +"I went on a traumatic fishing trip when I was a kid","I'm still reeling from it" +"Why are seagulls called seagulls. Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels","" +"Dadjoked while watching Fury Me: This movie is intense. Husband: No, it's in tanks","Me: *scowls*" +"So my cousin posted on Facebook today #IVotedForGary My dad Gary responded: Thanks man, but I wasn't even running. I was walking. Edit: Woah, this blew up more than I expected. Thanks, guys. I'll make sure to thank my dad for the fake internet points for a joke that made me groan","He's gonna love it" +"My wife is a body builder","She's pregnant" +"Standing in a park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets","Then it hit me" +"What do you call an alcoholic dragon","A BEER-ded dragon" +"When whisking something, do it with caution","It’s whisky business" +"What ring do girls not want","Suffering" +"You know, before he got so big","he was Justin Timberpond" +"I got a 3","9 GPA at Trump University in other words, I graduated MAGA cum laude" +"Who is the best person to take with you fishing","Annett" +"Hey dad. I'm headed out,. I'll be back in a few hours Don't threaten me","Every time." +"Why do the best baseball players never lock their doors","Because they’re always safe at home" +"You can't run through a campsite","You can only ran because its past tents." +"Really proud of this dadjoke I got on my friend. My handy friend is trying to fix an issue with my laptop. He's working on unscrewing the screws in order to get where he is trying to go. Friend: Why are so many of these screws hidden. Me: Maybe they need to have kids . Friend: looks at me confused, huh. Me: Well you need to have kids in order to be apparent","I laugh hysterically as my friend facepalms" +"There’s nothing worse than a broken window","It’s always a pane to fix" +"My mum looked at my report card and said “I’m not happy”. I said “okay”. She said “I need more A’s”","I said “Okaaaaaaay”" +"Do you know what’s really intense","Campers" +"I get nostalgic when reversing my car","It always takes me back" +"Here's one I use every once in a while as a server. I work at a cajun restaurant and so we bring hot sauce to most of our tables, but since we also bring ketchup for some as well, I always specify when I set hot sauce down. A lot of times when I set it down people will just say sweet. as a response(surprisingly often I might add)","Then I always respond, no, it's actually quite spicy" +"I took my pet to a deer brothel","Got bang formy buck" +"What kind of pants does Mario wear","Denim denim denim" +"Why dont you ever see a rich cheetah","Because cheetahs never prosper" +"Why did the corn want to become a Mortician","It was interested in the ma-cob" +"The janitor in my apartment building asked whether I would hang out with her and smoke pot. I said no","I can’t deal with a high maintenance woman" +"I had to quit my job as a bus driver due to paranoia","Everyone was talking behind my back" +"What do you get when you mix an elephant and a rhino","Elephino" +"Why dont eagles and eels breed","Because its eeleagle" +"Why did Magneto stop wearing his purple suit","Because the days of fuchsia past" +"I asked Santa why he got a degree in music","He said it was to improve his wrapping skills" +"Why did the chicken actually cross the road","Because it was delivery" +"Where do New York dad's go to get new jokes","Corny Island" +"What did 50 Cent say to his grandma when he saw her making socks for him","G, you knit" +"PSA: Before leaving work today","Be sure to tell your coworkers you'll see them next year" +"My wife got me with a gross one Wife: My boobs hurt, I think I'm about to start my period. Me: I'm sorry, that's shitty. Wife: Not shitty, just bloody","*long sigh*" +"My 2 year old is going to make a great dad some day","4 year old: Ok, repeat after me 2 year old: After me Me: *beaming with pride*" +"My wife wants to eat pizza so frequently that it sometimes annoys me. When we began discussing what to dine on this evening, she says to me, How about we have something for dinner that starts with a 'p' and ends with an 'a' and *isn't* pasta. I roll my eyes and groan animatedly. There is no way a single pea is going to feed all three of us","^^She ^^laughed ^^harder ^^at ^^that ^^than ^^any ^^of ^^my ^^previous ^^corny ^^jibes, ^^so ^^I ^^thought ^^I'd ^^share" +"Me : I met a woman with 12 breasts . My wife : That sounds strange","Me : Dozen tit" +"I yelled at my son, “Stop leaving the freezer door open","” “This is why we can’t have ice things" +"Daughter: Ouch. I stepped on a tack on the floor. Me: So the floor attacked you","Daughter: Daaaaaad" +"I threw some change at my kids leg He yelled, “Ow","My Knee" +"Why do firemen wear red suspenders","To keep their pants up" +"My son is always busy at the herb store","But when i call him,he always has thyme to talk" +"I have a horse named mayo","Mayo neighs" +"What do you call a guy with no arms or legs hanging on your wall","Art" +"The worst thing about Obama leaving office is that I can no longer go into a coffee house and order a President","A tall, black, skinny Americano" +"What do you get when you divide a piece of shit into three pieces","Turds" +"My dad thought he was kidnapped on purpose","Turns out he was mis-taken." +"Everybody was saying i should go rappelling","but when i finally did it, it was a huge letdown" +"Why does everyone like the guitar more than the bass","It’s more of a BASSic instrument" +"I saw on the news that someone just broke into my local police station and stole all the toilets","Police say they have nothing to go on" +"Dad, are we pyromaniacs","Yes we arson" +"Girlfriend delivered this one today The girlfriend dropped this gem on me while watching Jeopardy: GF: Did you know that Salmonella swims up your bloodstream. Me: What. No. GF: Yeah, because it's *Salmon*ella","sigh" +"Dad joked at a football game. I was at a football game yesterday with an old roommate when I accidentally hit him with my towel. He turned to me and said You hit me with your towel. Yeah. and","I shall retowliate" +"My friend who is a stock broker on Wall Street wants to open a florist shop","He wants to stop and sell the roses" +"I've been torturing my best friend. I'm a 24yr F, and was well-trained by my father in the art of dad jokes. And I discovered that my best friend hates dad jokes one evening when we were hanging out and she goes Hey Sasafras23. I'm hungry. Hi hungry, I'm Sasafras23. I HATE YOU. Since then I have been periodically torturing her with dad jokes. Most recently: (Helping her clean for a party). Friend: Okay, let's hit the table first. (I hit the table sharply) Okay, now what","Her: I swear I will kill you" +"Went to see my doc to get small squares drawn all over me","It was a check up" +"I’ve always wanted a trampoline. So when my daughter asked me to build her one,","I had to jump on it." +"A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, Wait, I'm a talking tree","And the lumberjack grinned and said: And you will dialogue" +"I also went to the zoo yesterday, but they only had a single dog in a cage","It was a shitzu" +"Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar","Hail Caesar" +"Why couldn't the fish stay in grad school","Because all of his grades were under a sea" +"I've memorized all the digits of pi","Just not in order" +"What do you call a stolen Tesla","an Edison" +"Do you know why there are no letter-D shaped buttons","It would be really depressing" +"Jerry Lawler dropped this one Dean Ambrose never beleved in Santa as a child","He was a rebel without a Claus" +"Know what else isn't mainstream","Tributaries" +"What did Tennessee","The same thing Arkansas" +"When maijuana is legalized, all the money raised through taxes should go into road repair. It would be called. Operation. Pot","Holes" +"Why did the child go to the pyramids. He was visiting his mummy. (I officially declare myself the first dad on this subreddit to make a mom joke","I have failed as a father" +"Bought myself some invisible tape [The postal service seems to be skimping a bit](https://i. imgur. com/md6VaEe","jpg)" +"I have the best ancient Egypt dad joke Actually","come to think of it, it's more of a mummy joke" +"What did the man say after I cut his feet off","You de-feeted me" +"Told my wife I was in nappies up until 5","Then I stopped for the evening" +"It's hard to tell a joke to a kleptomaniac","They take everything, literally" +"Broken puppets for sale","No strings attached" +"Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own","It’s two tired" +"Dadjoked my roommate. *Sitting in a theater* Roomie: Hey, you mind moving over a seat","*I move over and pause for a few seconds* Me: I feel like we aren't as close as we used to be" +"I had a vasectomy on Tuesday. Honestly. I can’t feel a deferens. Honestly","I can’t feel a deferens" +"What's brown and sticky. A stick","(Groan)" +"Which doctor is always available","The oncologist" +"After preparing my garden today, I realized my bag of seeds was eaten by squirrels","Seedless to say, I won't be planting anything tomorrow" +"Princess potato was disowned by the king and queen for marrying Tom Brokaw","They couldn’t stand that she’d married a commentator" +"“Boss, can I have a week off around Christmas. ” Boss: It’s May. “Sorry","May I have a week off around Christmas" +"I wanted to be a monk","But I never got the chants" +"Who's the most popular kitchen appliance","The freezer, he's really cool" +"What does a percussionist order at a sushi bar","A drum roll" +"I was trying to assemble ikea furniture","I screwed it up" +"Best Dad Joke EVER I asked my dad to give me the best dad joke he has ever created","He smiled at me and said, You" +"Wife: The Backstreet Boys are really getting old","Me: Are the Backstreet's backs alright" +"What is the square root of 69","Ate something" +"what does a hairdresser say when she murders someone. DYE. DYE","DYE!" +"You know who's really been crushing it lately","The Hydraulic Press Channel" +"Have you ever eaten a clock","It's very time consuming" +"An orangutan at the zoo was reading two books: The Bible and Darwin’s The Origin of Species","He was trying to figure out whether he is his brother’s keeper or his keeper’s brother" +"Our vacation in Prague has come to an end","me (not even close to being a dad) to the hotel receptionist: We would like to Czech out" +"Good one, Dad. My dad was passing through town for work and was going to crash at my house. I inadvertently turned the heat off this morning when I left, so It was 55 degrees when he arrived","He called me and asked were you trying to make a pop-sicle" +"A termite walks in to a bar","He says, Is the bartender here?" +"Ornithologists have recently been studying if cannabis has any effect on seabirds","They’ve left no tern un-stoned" +"What do you call a baby sitter for chickens","Chicken tenders" +"Orion's Belt is a terrible waist of space Yeah, I know. it's a terrible joke","That's why I only give it 3 stars" +"How do we know that it was a rainy April in 1620","Because April showers bring Mayflowers" +"What do you call a cow with a twitch. Beef jerky",";)" +"I changed my ipods name to titanic","And it is syncing" +"Dadjoked while browsing netflix So I was browsing netflix with the family earlier, and my 11 year old brother asked what's Gladiator. and my dad said it's about a cannibal who eats women. After he eats them he's gladiator","It took me a second to get the joke" +"A textbook one pulled on me today My Dad: I think I would get too hot if I had hair as long as yours Me: It’s not that bad really. What’s the longest you’ve ever had your hair","Dad: *prepares a bombshell of a dad joke* “About 54 years”" +"My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night","Damn near poked my eye out" +"Dad refused to believe he had dyslexia. until Mom quipped, Denali ain't just a park in Alaska","And he got it" +"Why does Emperor Palpatine shoot electricity out of his hands","Because he's in charge" +"Most garden birds can sing. Which bird can only partially sing","A hummingbird" +"Stupid dad jokes","It's how eye roll" +"What is a criminals favorite font","Sans Sheriff" +"What did the right eye say to the left eye","Between you and me, something smells" +"My nine year old's cat just gave birth to a huge litter. I asked her which she likes best","She replied, I love the whole kitten caboodle" +"Ever had sex while camping","It’s in tents" +"Did you hear about the kitchen explosion in France","It resulted in Linoleum Blownapart" +"I need a new pair of shoes","One of them isn't right" +"When asked the date, my friend answered, July one . I asked, so who lost. It was fun watching his face change expression as he tried to figure out what I meant, then the penny dropped, and he glared at me","There may have been threats that involved throwing objects at me" +"I have this recurring dream that E. tackles me, puts grey tape on my belly, and runs away","I keep getting ab-duct-taped by aliens" +"You know what mirrors are good for","Self reflection" +"My bartender tonight must be a dad. Bartender: you should try our new Greek pizza. Me: what's on it. Bartender: Greece","He was all smile after" +"Telling a ghost my secrets was the worst mistake. I ever made","Not only was he really bad at keeping secrets, but you could see right through him." +"My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you","” “She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them" +"Whats a parrots favorite dip for chips","Squacamole" +"Just got my fiancée's entire family Her aunt was looking for a toothbrush, she walks into the living room. her: has anyone seen a Frozen toothbrush","me: yeah, but I let it go everyone: *groans*" +"What do you call a bunch of model homes that slept well","A rested development" +"On a movie night, Her: Ugh, are we really going to watch Batman Forever","Me: No, only for the next 2 hours" +"Halloween costume idea:. Dictator","Tape potato to crotch." +"Donating blood can be. A-positive experience. But sometimes it can","B-negative." +"I don’t know why everyone is so surprised at the reaction of the short guy in the bagel shop. It’s a well known fact that 6/7 dwarfs aren’t","Happy" +"My pancake mix attacked me this evening","I got absolutely battered" +"I found out that confirmed ghost sightings follow a bell curve","Or in other words, a paranormal distribution" +"Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said Oh look. They have tongue depressers. He says Those won't work on me. I asked why and he says. I'm on antidepressants. He's gong in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific","All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated" +"June is over","Nah, Julying" +"I miss. Spanish. Inquisition jokes","They got me every time" +"Why are Americans so slow to celebrate 07","I mean, it was the 7th of April months ago" +"Whenever my friends want to sharpen their pencils I always argue they should let me do it","When they see the pencil they tell me I make a good point" +"knock knock who's there","The electrician to fix your doorbell" +"I had to ask my fiancé if I was pregnant after this dad joke he said. Me: I don't get it, I never get dandruff, but I've had it for over a month. I'm using dandruff shampoo and it's not helping. him: Well that's your problem","You shouldn't be using dandruff shampoo, you need ANTI-dandruff shampoo" +"If bears hosted a music awards show","would it be the Teddy Grammys" +"They should have singles mixers at soccer games","It's a great place to find a keeper" +"What did Jesus Christ say when he hit his thumb with a hammer","Me" +"I was helping my son fix his old clunker He was fiddling around with the tailpipe and told me to turn on the car. I asked him what. so he told me again, and I said: Speak up, you sound muffled. Once he was finished back there, we both went up to the engine. We were messing around trying to stop some horrid sound coming from the giant metal block. He suddenly screamed at me to get a tool to remove some bolts to clean up some parts. I asked him what the hell he was thinking screaming at me like that while I was right next to him","His response: I just wanted to make sure my transmission was clear" +"Why did gin break up with tonic","Their relationship was on the rocks" +"I hate when people ask me where. I see myself in the next 4 years. It's not like","I have 2020 vision!" +"Monica. Lewinsky was. Bill","Clinton's head secretary until she blew it." +"Why did the Irishmen make soup with 239 beans","Because one more would be too farty" +"Midwives deserve a lot of respect","They really help people out" +"A friend of mine wanted to return rechargeable batteries on Amazon A friend of mine wanted to return rechargeable batteries he bought on Amazon. While filling out forms to return them he got an email saying This ones on us pretty much saying he could keep the batteries as well as getting a refund","I replied: I guess you got those batteries free of charge" +"I went out for Chinese, but had an accident on the way. When I finally made it home, I realized they didn't give me any soy sauce","They really know how to Kikkoman when he's down" +"How much does a Chinese elephant weigh","Wonton" +"What side does the zebra have the most stripes on","The outside" +"I was talking to a friend and he told me that if you want good luck you should hit Dwayne Johnson's ass. Why","Cause when you hit rock's bottom you can only go Up" +"Haven’t seen this on here yet, so to to keep the Elsa theme going. Why don’t you give Elsa a balloon","Because she’ll let it go" +"My late father’s tombstone got vandalized","Police are calling it a grave matter" +"Waitress: Do you want a box for that. My Dad, every time: I'm not a very good boxer","but I'll wrestle you for it" +"I got my girl friends dad My girl friend and her parents were talking about Facebook while I was in the kitchen making a sandwich. I was sort of listening in and then I heard her dad say, every time I go to the bathroom I'm going to post","I then proceeded to say, those are gonna be some pretty shitty posts Groans ensued" +"What do you get when you cross a road with an umbrella","To the other side, nice and dry" +"Am I doing this right","Or am I doing this left" +"What drink is popular in frog land. Croak-a-cola","Thanks dad" +"Why do they bother making so many different flavours of baby food when","they all just taste like airplane" +"Who was the most ruthless man in the Bible","Boas before he got married" +"My brother had a bad reaction to a nut while we were watching a. Star. Trek movie a while back. The incident is forever referred to as , The. Wrath. Of","Pecan" +"Your friend Lee asks you what is another name for a mother","A parent, Lee" +"Plateaus","They’re the height of flattery" +"The rest of my family is going to Ruth's Chris tonight for dinner","I guess the decision to work tonight was a big missed-steak on my part" +"Which day of the year commands you to do something","March Fourth" +"Did you hear about the two antennas that got married","The wedding wasn't that great but the reception was awesome" +"What’s Harry Potter’s favorite way to make it down a hill. Walking","JK rolling" +"Did you hear about the man who ran over himself. A man was standing on a street corner and he saw a newspaper stand across the street. He asked a little boy standing next to him if he could go across the street and fetch him a newspaper","The little boy refused so the man ran over himself" +"Dad they're going to send someone round","I don't care if they send someone triangular." +"A young shark asked his dad, Why do we always swim circles around people before eating them","He replied, They taste better if you scare the shit out of them first" +"Had a housewarming party My dad brought us firewood as a **house warming present. ** He wiggled his eyebrows and went hey. Hey","and made a fire" +"This might be my proudest dad joke so far My daughter was meeting Daisy Duck at Disney world this morning and Daisy was signing her autograph book. I mentioned to the Disney cast member who was taking the photos that I didn't know that Daisy was left handed","The cast member said Maybe she's ambidextrous to which I replied I think you mean ambiDUCKstrous" +"What kind of dog does Dracula have","A bloodhound :)" +"Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance","Because he had no body to go with" +"As a pregnant woman, I find it hard to describe the almost magical feeling of what it's like when the baby kicks","It's almost like an in the body experience" +"RIP, boiling water","You will be mist" +"Do you take the train to work","No way, the train takes me" +"We had the talk today and. I said why do we have to put a label on everything . Long story short,","I was fired from my job at the pharmacy." +"I was gonna make myself a belt of watches","but I realized it would be a waist of time" +"I went to the zoo the other day and all they had was a dog","It was a shih-tzu" +"Heard Saudi Arabia is changing monarchs","Its a bit of a Sheikh-Up" +"My wife got me yesterday We're on a hike with our 6 month old. I pointed to a rock (pretty big and seemed out of place) and said, I wonder where it came from","My wife says, oh, well someone probably planted a pebble" +"A student in my classroom was complaining about how cold it was the other day. so I told her to go stand in the corner to warm up. When she asked why, I told her because it was 90 degrees","I am a proud math teacher AND dad" +"My friend is a retired gynaecologist","He still works occaisionally though because he likes to keep his hand in" +"A kid told me he was cold so. I told him to go stand in the corner","It's 90 degrees there" +"Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra. The zebra","Because he has so many black belts" +"Who crashed more than Post Malone this week","Reddit" +"What do you call ten rabbits walking backwards together","Receding hare line" +"On the phone with my 4'7 wife Her: I will be there shortly. Me: Wh. haha. when are you not anywhere **SHORTLY**. Her: . **30 seconds later, talking about our son. ** Her: Apparently, I forgot about his bottle. Me: Isn't everything we do apparently now that we're **parents**. Her: You're a dumbass. See you when I get home, love you. Me: . **Shortly**, right","Her: (click)" +"Dad: Knock knock Son: Whose there. Dad: Daisy Son: Daisy who","Dad: Daisy me rollin, they hatin" +"What do you call a dad that raps. A hip pop","Happy fathers day" +"Writing about time travel takes a lot of creativity","You have to think outside the clocks" +"Ban pre-shredded cheese. Make","America grate again!" +"Accidentally moved an Apple booth at the show, then moved it back","I stand corrected" +"Why couldn't the pony sing","Because he was a little horse" +"My daughter got me on Instagram [I've never been more proud](http://imgur. com/HJBvkDw","jpg)" +"Told my dad I would do the dishes when I got around to it [His response](http://i. imgur. com/80o77oP","jpg)" +"Tesla cars dont come with a new car smell. They come with an. Elon","Musk" +"Wanna hear a construction joke","It will be done by tomorrow" +"So a guys walks into an ice cream shop. He says to the guy working there hey can i have a pint of chocolate ice cream. The worker says Sorry sir but we're all out of chocolate. So the guy says alright then can i have a quart of chocolate ice cream. The worker says I already told you we don't have any chocolate ice cream. Then the guy says fine I guess i'll just have a gallon of chocolate ice cream. So the worker says ok sir how do you spell the Van in Vanilla. The guy says V-A-N The worker says good now how do you spell the Straw in Strawberry. The guy says that's easy S-T-R-A-W The worker says now how do you spell the fuck in chocolate","The guys says There is no fuck in chocolate THATS WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU" +"By now we've all heard of. Hurricane. Irma","It seriously blows" +"I just had a train run over my feet","Probably my own fault for wearing platforms" +"Last night my wife and I watched 3 movies back to back","Luckily, I was the one facing the TV" +"I spoiled my dad's original dad joke so I think he had to improvise My dad: We have a guy at work whose name is Barry Blue. Guess what we call him. Me: I don't know. Blueberry. My dad: . We call him Barry. Why would we call him Blueberry. He might get mad","ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" +"My dad said this to my mom yesterday. Where do you take a sick horse","A horspital I cringed" +"How many bones are there in the human foot","Slightly less than a handful" +"What does a clock do when it’s hungry","It goes back four seconds" +"Have you guys tried blindfolded archery","You don’t know what you’re missing" +"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer","I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day" +"I dropped a can of olives and my wife was concerned, so I replied","Don't worry, I didn't spill olive them" +"I gave my dog a cantaloupe but all she does is look at it wistfully","I think I have a melon collie" +"What’s a cow’s favorite knife","A moo-chete" +"In Jamaica, an Apple pie costs about $2. 00, while a Pecan pie costs $2. 50 and a Rhubarb pie costs $3. In the Bahamas, an Apple pie is $1. 50, a Pecan pie is $2. 00, and a Rhubarb pie is $2","These are the pie rates of the Caribbean" +"First real life dad joke situation. Dad : do you want your blanket. Daughter : I want my Frozen™ blanket","Dad : Its a little cold for a frozen blanket, don't you think" +"Went to the gym this morning and this guy told me “Bro, your arms are funny”. I replied “","Yeah it’s humerus ain’t it?”" +"My friend is making a lot of easy money by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes","It’s like shooting fish in apparel" +"My dad would have been proud I took my two kids (4 and 6) to the new aquarium in our city. They have a petting tank with harmless bamboo sharks. I reach in to the tank. 4 year old: Is it dangerous. Me: Yep and get a good look of slight fear from him. I then pull my hand out with my ring finger bent over and show it to him. He responds with a look of abject horror. 6 year old: Stop messing with us. Unfold my finger and show them","My 4 year old was not amused" +"What do you call one hundred rabbits hopping backwards","A receding hareline" +"On a long road trip. I got my friend. Her ugh my legs asleep","Me Danm now it's going to be up all night" +"Thus one just came in from Dad Why are Jewish men circumcised","Because Jewish women won't touch anything without at least 20% off" +"When someone asks me what. I plan on doing next year. I tell them","I don’t have 2020 vision." +"I got fired from my job at the pasta factory","I made a fusilli mistakes" +"What do Japanese gang members do at the spa","They relax in the Yakuzzi" +"Dad is put together backwards. My dad came down stairs with a concerned look on his face and tells my sister, I think I'm put together backwards. We all thought that something was seriously wrong with him. Then he says with a straight face, my feet smell and my nose runs","" +"Watching a terrible TV show about monarch-related puns","Sovereign about ten minutes, thankfully" +"Why did Sally put peanut butter on the sidewalk","To go with the traffic jam" +"My dad asks me how to update apps on his phone. Me: you have to go to the play store. Dad: do","I have to drive there?" +"What do you call the rabbit next in line to the crown","The hare-apparent" +"I asked. Ryu if. I could ask him a question","He answered with sure-you-can" +"People used to tell me I was going deaf. but I haven't heard anyone say that in a while. Edit: You kids have made my day","I'd like to thank all of you for this marvelous chain of dadjokes" +"Told my dad I was taking my 2 kittens in for their vaccinations today, he emailed me this in return I was thinking that when you take your cat to the vets in the car, does that make it a carpet","Thanks, dad" +"At a moment of exasperation I have twins that each have a stuffed fox they love. I find one on my couch cushion and pick it up before sitting down after a rough day. Kid 1: papa, can I have that fox. Me: sure, sweetie Kid 2: can I have a fox too","Me: sorry, peanut, I'm all out of fox to give **edit**: formatting" +"What did the starving priest say when he finally caught a fish","Thank Cod" +"7 year old daughter is going to be a great dad Daughter reading a book about animals and sees a picture of a pig. Girl: Mom that pig is to dry, he needs some oinkment. Wife: You are your father's daughter","While I laughed proudly" +"Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed","Because he has low elf esteem" +"A man goes to a zoo, but the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog","It was a shih tzu" +"2 Cowboys Two cowboys, lost in the desert for six days, are starving hungry. Finally, they see a tree in the distance draped in bacon. Look. says one cowboy. It's a bacon tree, we're saved. He runs to the tree but suddenly is shot down in a hail of bullets. With his last dying breath, he says to his mate: It's not a bacon tree","it's a ham bush" +"Wife dad joked our youngest He asked How do I turn off Cortana","She replied with Use a bad pickup line" +"What do you call a long group of rabbits jumping backwards","A receding hare line" +"It's a pity the new female. Medical. Examiner will never get pregnant","Because nobody puts baby in a coroner." +"What do you call a unidentified body after a long time","John Sour-Doe" +"What do you call a drug dealer helping out in the field. A farm assist",":D" +"My jackass husband just hit me with this one. Pretend you are on a boat surrounded by sharks. How do you survive","You stop pretending" +"With the announcement of Blackberry's new phone the Priv, there have been some complaints about the name","I guess some people just wish they were privy to how it was named" +"My dad is starting a new company. http://imgur","com/KsbgBcc" +"What do you call a fish made of two sodium atoms","2Na 🤷🏼‍♂️" +"I’m at a restaurant and there’s a sign in the bathroom. It says “employees must wash hands”. Its been twenty minutes and no one has come in to wash my hands","I think I should talk to management" +"My cousin got me the other day. We had a party tent set up in the backyard, and during breakfast, I was staring idly into it","He asked me, Are you staring in tent ly" +"What did the sad baker say when his bread was complimented","Thanks, I kneaded that" +"Everyone has the 4th of. July off except fire. Fireworks on the 4th of","July" +"What kind of fruit makes a man go","Mango" +"Got my wife while discussing our upcoming move. Me: With my luck, I'll end up celebrating my birthday in some run down motel in Idaho. (Idaho is not where we're moving) Her: Why Idaho","Me: I dunno, why are you da ho" +"I saw a graffiti artist spraying a police station in a thick font","Now that is bold" +"Old Macdonald’s son decided to join the army instead of farming. He is now E","Joe" +"After I got a new leather messenger bag, my Dad asked Do you know what the number 1 use of cow hide is","Holding cows together" +"A woman was in labor and started shouting “Can’t. Won’t. Wouldn’t. Isn’t. Didn’t. Shouldn’t","” The doctor said “Don’t worry, those are just contractions" +"How do dads say goodbye in German","Our feet are the same" +"As a kid I'd always ask my dad, Have I gotten taller","His response every time was, Yeah you're gruesome" +"A bug hits the windshield","“He’ll never have the guts to do that again" +"I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance","Unfortunately, she blew it" +"Man, I’m so hungry. What should I eat while I’m on reddit","This whole sub" +"My friend is going on a trip She mentioned she is planning a trip to Rome","So I told her to be careful of Rome-ing charges" +"What is the prerequisite for becoming an OB/GYN","Studying abroad" +"Did you know Stevie Wonder is a dead-beat dad","He never sees his kids" +"Just witnessed a dad walking with his kids back to their car. The kids were between four and eight years old and were claiming their spots in the car. I'm in the front. said the boy. I'm in the back. said the girl. I'm in the front. said the dad","The kids didn't get it but I overheard and had a quiet chuckle" +"I combined a laxative with alphabet soup","I call it letter rip" +"Every time we go to a steak house","Every meal that isn't a steak is a mistake/missed steak" +"Telling my dad about a good deal I saw at Costco Me: Dad, there's a really good deal on fertilizer at Costco. You should go check it out, it's super cheap. Dad: would you say it's dirt cheap","*groan*" +"Huh, I should really get off reddit. I've been here ALL YEAR","Happy new year from New Zealand" +"SO asked why I was up so late Her: Your ass is normally asleep by now. Me: Well to be fair, normally so is the rest of me. *Cue eye roll* EDIT: I was not aware I could say ass","ASS^ASS^ASS^ASS^ASS" +"An Italian wheat farmer was having a land dispute with another farmer. Finally the first farmer had enough and said stop","It's a mygrain" +"My brothers hate me and my mom might well be on her way to disowning me because I told them the Flash didn't need to get shocked by lighting. since he was already Barry fast","^(*sighs*) My dad however, is very proud of me" +"What's the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke. Children","&#x200B; My son came up with this one when he was 7 years old" +"Where there's a will","I wanna be in it One of my old man's favorite one-liners" +"My. GPS took me on a bad route. It's never fun learning the error of your","Waze." +"I'm allergic to green onions. Every time. I eat them,","I break out in chives." +"When. Satan goes bald","There will be hell toupee" +"Did you hear that the classical music store is reopening","You could say they are Bach in business" +"I'd absolutely. LOVE to work as a plumber one day,","But right now it's just a pipedream." +"There are two kinds of people when writing list 1","The ones who write complete list" +"I hate cleaning windows","Its such a pane" +"A guy tells a friend that is credit card was stolen 3 months ago. His friend asked if he reported it to the credit card company. No the guy said","The thief Spends less than my wife" +"I made a playlist for when I go hiking. It has music from the peanuts, the cranberries, and Eminem","I call it my trail mix" +"A blind woman told me. I had a big dick","She was just pulling my leg." +"I've just angered two people on the street, by calling them hipsters","apparently, the correct term is conjoined twins" +"Wanna hear a word I just made up","Plagiarism" +"My dad on soccer You know,. I never got why people like soccer so much, if. I wanted to spend hours watching a bunch of men fail to score,","I could just go to a bar." +"Samuel Jackson: I never eat anything with cheese","But when I do, it's Royale" +"A bee farmer found his bees working extra hard producing honey for him","He thought it was sweet" +"Do you know what your grandfather would be saying if he were still alive. Do you know what your grandfather would be saying if he were still alive","Let me out of this box" +"What do you call an elephant that makes fun of a hippo’s weight","Hippo-critical" +"A Scotsman visits his doctor","He pulls his kilt up and says doctor you have to help me I'm going crazy The doctor says I can clearly see your nuts" +"Ugh. Sausage puns","They're the wurst" +"Here's a good one","#1" +"What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside Fort Knox. Edit: Wow. This blew up","Thanks for the gold" +"My kids were tuning car stereo when they landed on a classical radio station and quickly changed it","I said, Hey, turn that Bach on" +"How much does an Italian thought cost","A penne" +"The man who invented knock knock jokes","deserves a no-bell prize" +"Dadjoked my mother My mother wanted to taste some of the lobster on my plate at lunch the other day","I asked if she wanted to trial-a-bite" +"I was wondering if. Shrek would taste any good. Then","I realized he’d probably be meaty ogre" +"I was on the toilet, angry, and late for work","I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit" +"Which Family Guy character is adamant about animal rights","PETA Griffin" +"Got my grandpa with this one I think I might go into mountain climbing","It peaks my interest" +"I got a disapproving look from my wife today. Wife: It's a little rainy out today the kids are going to need a light jacket. Me: What wattage were you thinking","Wife: *disapproving look" +"What do you call a duck on the Fourth of July","A firequacker" +"What do you call a man with no nose and no body","Nobody nose" +"My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday","We just call him Dav now" +"Dentist Appointment Dad: Hey, I made you a dentist appointment for next Thursday at 2:30, and you'll never forget that time. Me: Oh god, why","Dad: 'Cause it's at tooth-hurty" +"Dadjoked by my fiance the other day in the car. For reference, I live in Virginia. Our state tree is the dogwood. There's a lot of our state tree growing wild here","I hear that its bark is worse than its bite" +"It's my first time posting here on r/dadjokes. Does this count. [](https://c1. staticflickr. com/9/8233/8539517000_9a44748db4_b","jpg)" +"A run to Home Depot turned into a Dad Joke As we were checking out at the register with some new tools . Son: Dad, what happened to number 9. Me: What. Son: Register 9, it's missing. Where did it go. Me: Seven. Daughter: What. Me: It must have been seven. Wife: . Son:","Me: Because seven ate nine" +"Never ask a horse for advice","They are a bunch of neigh sayers" +"As a US Military service member, it annoys me that people here complain about NSFW tags but don't acknowledge that it could also indicate a post about Naval Service Fleet Warships","Whoops, wrong sub" +"Did you hear about the lumberjack who got fired for cutting too many trees","He saw too much" +"This time of year, everyone should know the symptoms of the Amish flu","First you get a little horse, then a little buggy" +"It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs","They always take things literally" +"Protestor Dad. http://imgur","com/a/Xjjm7" +"My 4yo asked me How does a bird learn how to fly","They just wing it" +"My wife demanded i stop singing that Oasis song","I said, Hey now" +"every time we pass a cemetary Hey you guys see that cemetary. Yeah dad. Well I hear its so good people are dying to get in","Every freaking time" +"I just went camping","It was in-tents" +"Summer grilling On my way out to the backyard grill. Mother-in-law: What did you say. Me: I said I almost forgot the lighter. MIL: Oh, I thought you said you needed the *ladder*. Me: That's right, I need the ladder","Because the steaks have never been higher" +"We had hot dogs and burgers on the grill last night Me: Left my buns there. My dad: Must be hard to sit with no buns. Lol","" +"How does NASA organize their office parties","They planet" +"One of the main reasons. I'm sleeping on an air mattress nowadays","Is due to inflation" +"What do you call it when a cat wins a dog show","A cat has trophy" +"Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married","The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent" +"Dad, is than an octopus. SO and I were walking in Port Angeles, WA near the [octopus statue](http://www. peninsuladailynews. com/apps/pbcsi. dll/bilde. Site=PT&Date=20080108&Category=NEWS&ArtNo=801080303&Ref=AR&maxw=350) made out of small rocks and pebbles. and we overheard this conversation between a kid and his dad: > Dad, is that an octopus","> No, son, that's a rock-topus" +"In the navy. My cousin decided that after high school he was going to join the","Navy instead of going to college because no matter how hard he tried to get better grades, he always remained a sea student." +"So a woman was smoking at the gas station the other day and her arm caught on fire","And while she was trying to put it out the police arrested her for waving a firearm around." +"Do you know about the Knight who had an overabundance of everything","Surplus" +"My dad burst into my room and said, “Wanna hear a joke. ”, and then proceeded to fart for a whole minute. He said. “Sorry","That was a long winded story" +"So I was trying to decide if my favorite type of Asian food is Chinese or Japanese","I decided to call it a Thai" +"I guess no time is too serious for a good dad joke My brother and I are in the waiting room at the ER while my dad is back in the ER room texting us about what's going on. I wasn't sure if the ER was the same as the ICU. MY. My dad couldn't hold back. http://imgur","com/sKewAWG" +"Why is the space bar sad all the time","He is frequently depressed" +"What do you call parasites who suck chemicals","Bleeches" +"Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors","Because if it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan" +"My dad would like to celebrate Cinco de Mayo with you all. http://imgur","com/E0Shp1O" +"Why didn’t the helicopter like flying in the morning","It was twirly" +"I just bought a case of dynamite. It was an offer I couldn't re-fuse","Update: Wow, I really didn't expect this to blow up" +"I almost got hit by a boat once","I nearly ship my pants" +"I bought a new thesaurus and it's terrible","Not only is it terrible, but it's TERRIBLE" +"The other day my knee left without saying a word","It was a mute knee" +"Why does no one know what happens after death","It’s coffindential" +"what happens when the pope dies","another popes up" +"What game do chickens play in the pool","Marco Pollo 🐓" +"What kind of headwear do gangsters who have a scat-fetish wear","Doodoo rag" +"My niece surprised me last night My niece is 10 and she likes to watch me play video games. I usually get her with the dad jokes but last night while I was running from the cops in GTA she said Why don't you just give yourself up","so I decided to be cheesy and I told her Because I'm above the law and she looks at me with a puzzled look and said You may be tall, but you're not THAT tall" +"I had a terrifying experience with my therapist after trying to get over of my reoccurring nightmares with the Backstreet Boys","Me: I'm terrified of the Backstreet Boys Therapist: Tell me why" +"What did the beaver say to the tree","Its been nice gnawing you" +"Hey dad, how do I look","With your eyes, son" +"The force is strong with this one. I have a four year old daughter and a two year old son. My daughter often complains (usually not too long after eating dinner) that she's hungry so lately I've been getting her with the staple Hi Hungry, I'm Dad line. Just today on our way back from the gym she complains that she's hungry again to which my son replies Hi Hungwee","" +"I dated a one legged girl who worked at a brewery","She was in charge of the hops" +"What do you call an immortal ant","Perman-ant" +"I responded to an ad for a calf model","It was an awkward day at the dairy farmer’s magazine" +"What did little mermaid buy from Lingerie dept","Algebra" +"Doctor: that can help you with your sleeping problem Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem. ” Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it","” Doctor: “Every two hours" +"Why did the girl fall in the well","She didn't see that well" +"I know a guy who has three nipples","He’s not ashamed of it though, he’s always showing them left, right and centre" +"I gave away all my dead batteries today","Free of charge!" +"Equilateral triangle","Is a cute triangle !" +"You know, there are many good reasons why you shouldn't leave your cloning device out in the woods","But the obvious bears repeating." +"Unplanned dadjoke from heavy-set, African-American man. My XL-wearing half-black friend and I were in Trader Joe's when I started being excited about this huge pound block of chocolate. When I asked him why he wasn't excited, he replied, I guess I'm just not a big chocolate guy","I laughed for about an hour at his complete genius" +"Han Solo was a great Dad. He's Ben through a lot. http://m. imgur","com/gallery/aoSbU (Ep7 spoiler-related dadjoke fest)" +"Speaking of Grandpa Jokes. I was at the mall with some friends getting breakfast. We were sitting at a table with a elderly man on the table next to us. Naturally we were on our phones, playing a game. Elderly man looks over Hey, you know what game I used to play. Getting laid. And promptly sits up and walks away","Couldn't make this up if I tried" +"What did the cell say to its sister when she stepped on its foot","Mitosis" +"I have a genetic disposition for diarrhea","It runs in my jeans" +"I took my wife to the psychiatrist and he said that she's completely lost her mind","I replied that it didn't surprise me because she's been giving me a piece of it every day for last 30 years" +"Why can’t a train choke","Because it choo Choos" +"I recently showed my toddler some racing videos. While we're out on a walk, someone drove by in a BMW, mashing the throttle even though we live in a quiet, relatively low traffic residential neighborhood. She's learning her words really well now, and goes Race car","I say plenty loud enough for him to hear with his window down No honey, that's just a mid-life crisis" +"My Father on iPhones Father: Why won't my iPhone charge on this laptop. Me: It needs to install the driver first. Father: Are you sure. It charged just fine in my car. Me: Your car doesn't need a driver. Father: Yes it does. If I ever want to go anywhere. He thinks he is hilarious. I had to hold back the laughter and groans","I couldn't let him think he's funny" +"What's E. short for","Cause he's only got small legs" +"I used to hate gardening","But then it started to grow on me" +"I wanted to subscribe to r/tennis. But","I couldn't handle the constant back and forth" +"I'm planning a parody TV show of Stranger Things, but starring river-based forest creatures","I'm calling it Otter Stuff" +"My friend met the love of his life when the were both vomiting overboard after a rhinovirus hit their cruise ship","It was a match made in having" +"What game makes German hipsters run away from you","Glüten tag" +"What time is it. Me: You have to get up. Wife: Is it 7:30. Me: The sequel, actually. Wife: [pauses] 7:32. Me: Yep","Wife: I hate you" +"I watched a video showing the highlights of cattle doing ballet, two things I love","It was the best of bull twirls" +"My friend found bugs in her expensive organic bread flour","She didn't want to waste it, but I assured her that throwing it away is the lesser of two weevils" +"After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now","” God said, “I think I’m going to call it a day" +"Our neighborhood has a couple of peacocks. Wife and I were driving down the street and saw the male and female peacocks together, which was rare. The male was spreading its feathers trying to impress the female. Wife said, Oh. We have to stop and take a picture. I said, No. Bro code. Can't interrupt him when he's macking. Wife was confused and asked what the hell I was talking about","Bros don't peacock block bros" +"My Dad is currently riding his bicycle across America to raise awareness for Colon Cancer. [and posted a picture of him and his bike on a rest day. ] (https://i. imgur. com/IapqomG. png) Edit: Whoa this is getting popular. I live on the other side of the world, and am about to go to bed, but I am just going to put his [donation page] (http://ccf. convio. net/site/TR. px=3433802&fr_id=1580&pg=personal) at the top of the post if anyone is interested. It is no big deal, but if someone is looking, I thought I'd put it at the top. Either way, you all are going to make his day when I show him how many people appreciated his joke","I just hope this doesn't mean that I have to laugh at all of them from now on" +"My dad at dinner tonight. Thought I would share (x-post from /r/funny) My sister was in a hurry to get to a hockey game and was anxious to eat supper. Sister: We better get eatin' soon. Dad: I hope not, we still have food to eat","Sister: *Blank stare* tl;dr: Eaten vs eating" +"What do you call a lazy butcher","A meatloafer" +"I went to a mosquito themed restaurant. It wasn't very good, though","After I few bites I got up and left" +"Do you remember the 21st night of September","I remember it like it was yesterday" +"I tried to challenge. Death to a pillowfight instead of a chess game. But","I was unable to handle the reaper cushions." +"Petting geese always makes me sad","Because every time I do, I feel a little down" +"What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork","You want a piece of me" +"You can always count on my dad to respond to everything with a dad joke. So my mom has a phobia of mice and she found one in my old room (I’m away at college). My dad said he would “take care of it”, which he did, but then the cat killed another one and so she’s upset and was texting my dad things like “I can’t live here knowing there’s mice, it’s been nice knowing you. ” And my dad’s first response was “you saying it’s been *mice* knowing me","” Such a classic dad move, I laughed so hard even though I probably shouldn’t have" +"Two cowboys were lost in the desert They were starving hungry, and finally, they see a tree in the distance draped in bacon. “Look. ” says one of the cowboys, “It’s a bacon tree – we’re saved. He runs towards the tree but is suddenly shot down in a hail of bullets. With his last dying breath he stutters: “It’s-It’s-It’s not a bacon tree","it’s-it’s a ham bush" +"Was fixing a clock today. and I accidentally dropped a hammer on it","It’s hammer time" +"Got my daughter good at the movies","Me: try and touch this cheese (Daughter reaches for it) Me: that's nacho cheese" +"New Friend Personality Test ME: Hey, did you hear about the celebrity who got stabbed at a restaurant. New Friend: No. Who was it. ME: Reese. Reese. something. NF: Witherspoon","ME: No, no, it was with a knife" +"Never trust a fisherman","They're always angling for something" +"According to critics of fundamental components of. German cuisine","The wurst part is the sausage." +"My therapist says that I often misread social cues","I’m not sure why she is hitting on me" +"When the dad joke lands http://imgur","com/Bgiagxt screenshot off Facebook" +"Why would phlebotomists not feel their work is valued","Because it's in vein" +"When I take my kids to the pool","I like to congratulate them on being my best little swimmers" +"Girlfriend got me a beauty last night","Discussing a trip to South America: Me: I would like to go to the Andes when we are over there Her: But they are at the end of your armies" +"Driving Instructor got me Him: Do you have your contacts in the right eye","Me: Yep Him: Well, you better move one into your left eye" +"What's the difference between a piano a tuna and glue. Son: what. You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna Son: What about the glue","I knew you'd get stuck there" +"I'm a lazy cook so I prefer Canada recipes","You know, the ones that say add a canada tomatoes, a canada beans, a canada corn" +"What type of chips do Feet favor","Dori-Toes" +"I should have seen that coming. Texted my dad telling him about my schedule for my last semester of school. Me - So yea, I'm taking fourteen credits which includes a sign language class. Dad - That's cool, that will definitely be handy","I needed that today" +"What comes after “before”","Befive" +"I always wanted to be a chef who specialized in pancakes","but I hear there’s a lot of turnover" +"I just spanked a statue","I really have hit rock bottom" +"My buddy said I fucking hate Mayweather Dude we're only two days into it, it really hasn't been all that bad","Give it a week or two" +"What do you call an ugly dinosaur","An eyesaur" +"Sherlock Holmes Sherlock Holmes is inspecting a bed. He says to Watson this bed is missing something","Watson replies no sheet sherlock" +"Im a teen dad now. In my class there was an assignment where you had to bring an item to represent yourself. A student did a speech on how a cake represented her","After the speech, i said, well that speech really took the cake The teacher was the only one to laugh" +"Don’t listen to anything a porta potty says","They’re full of shit" +"This joke is overrated","This joke rated" +"Why did one twin refuse to live with his brother","Because he was a terrible womb-mate" +"Lately, I just haven't been able to think straight","Dicks" +"The furniture store keeps calling me. But all","I wanted was one night stand." +"He's ready Operator: 911 What's your emergency. Responder: My wife's going into labour, I don't know what to do Operator: Is this her first born","Responder: No this is her husband" +"Did you know the Sun is a comedian","He’s quite the jokestar" +"What's brown and rhymes with snoop","Dr Dre" +"My dad was prepared at dinner Mom: Our dog is a pain in the a** Me: Why. Mom: Well i ran into 2 dogs today at the park. Dad- Where they hurt","(Not the best but i chuckled a little bit; also long time browser, 1st time poster)" +"I like the Hobbit books, but as for Harry Potter","That’s a different story" +"I was walking through town with my wife one day when she pointed out a man dressed like a tree selling $1 hard-boiled eggs, She said What's he doing. Is this normal. It isn't even Easter . I said Oh him","That's Egg-Sell-Ent" +"I’m always told I have a dry sense of humour","Watering it does not seem to help" +"On Christmas Eve, three eggs, named Dora, Moira, and Gloria, sit in a chicken nest. Suddenly, Dora hatches and the mama hen says proudly, Dora in the nest; Day One. Then, on Christmas, Moira hatches. The mama hen says, Dora in the nest; Day Two. Moira in the nest; Day One. Dora is confused, and asks, Well, what about our other sister","The mama hen explains, Gloria In Eggshell, Sis; Day Oh" +"Which infinity stone controls music/sound","The rolling stone" +"So there's a wood pecker in my backyard. Me: Hey, it's Vladimir the wood pecker. Group of friends: Why Vladimir. Because he won't stop putin' his beak in other bird's trees","Collective groan achieved" +"UPS dad To preface, I live on a farm, you can see our goats from the driveway. So the UPS man was dropping off a package to me today, and as I am signing for it this exchange happens UPS Guy: Uh oh. Me: What. UPS Guy: Things just goat serious","😑" +"I've just been diagnosed as colorblind","It really came outta the green" +"What do you call a belt made of watches","A waist of time" +"What do you call a U-Boat commander's pet dog","A subwoofer" +"Why are the royals so fruity about their weddings","It has to be very public, so they cantaloupe" +"I saw a sign the other day that said Watch for Children I though that was a fair trade","(Borrowed from Demetri Martin)" +"Ever heard of the exotic dancer that graduated from MIT","For her thesis, she did a Mobius strip tease" +"A good romance starts with a good friendship. A bad romance on the other hand starts with","Ra ra ah ah ah, ro ma ro ma ma, ga ga ooh la la, want yo bad romance" +"A man sits down at a restraunt The waiter walks over and gives him a glass of water. The man, being dreadfully thirsty, drinks it all in one gulp. He them calls out to the waiter for another Excuse me for the trouble, but I'm terribly thirsty. Could I have another glass of water. The waiter returns and refills his glass. He turns away to serve another table, when a small cough comes from behind him. I'm so awfully sorry, but could I get another refill. The waiter of course obliges, and turns to wait the next table, when the same thing happens again","Frustrated by the man, the waiter walks up and tells him Take a pitcher, it will last longer" +"Where I'll be in four years I'm not sure","I don't have 2020 vision" +"I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory today","Apparently, I wasn’t putting in enough shifts" +"Got two at the grocery store this morning I was staring at one item when my daughter asked what I was doing. I see these mulling spices, so I'm thinking. She said Why. We're not. You are so dumb. Later we were near the raisins when I said They have currants, but you have to eat them quickly, or they turn into 'pasts'. She just looked at me and said Wow. Just. wow","" +"What is the difference between an exile and an outcast","An exile greets you by saying hi The outcast greets you with heeeeeeeeeyaaaaaa" +"What happened to the italian chef when he was old","He pasta way :(" +"The other day, I asked my friend how he managed to get out of Iraq","He told me, “Iran”" +"My 3 year old is ready to be a dad The other day my son, who is almost three, walks into the kitchen where I was cooking dinner. He looked up at the cabinet that has the cookies and such and pointed like he wanted something. I stoop down to pick him up and ask: Me: What's up, dude. Son: (gesturing upwards like a Roman senator) The ceiling","yep, yep it is kid" +"Remember, while you're taking photos of all the costumes tonight, be sure to keep your camera in","hocus focus" +"Why doesn’t Donald Trump like wallabies","Fake Roos" +"I bought my daughter a new horse named Mayo","Mayo neighs" +"Wife: I think we should halve the recipe","Me: you want to halve your recipe and eat it too" +"A Covid test nurse asked me if I've had a sudden loss of taste","I told her, No, I've dressed like this for quite a while" +"Got my boyfriend the other day. He wasn't what. I was expecting, so. I sent him back to","Amazon." +"Told my girlfriend she had to see this before it was gone It wasn't goner be around much longer. http://i. imgur. com/fYRwtYI","jpg" +"We got my Dad a new mattress for his birthday It was supposed vastly improve your sleep. After we set it up, we said, Tell us if you like it or not, we can always take it back He said, Hmm, I can't make a decision right now, let me. sleep on it","Damnit, he's good" +"My wife: I don't think the kids should play in the woods anymore. There might be chiggers this time of year. Me: Honey, please. It's 2017. I think they prefer the term 'cheegroes'. Eyes were rolled, sighs were sighed","Dadjoke achievement unlocked" +"I have a steering wheel down my pants","it's driving me nuts" +"I was gonna tell a joke about. SpaceX. But you wouldn't like it; it's","Elon joke anyway." +"Did you know today is National Hindsight Day","Or really, it should have been" +"A threefer of which I'm rather proud. // I was a little dissatisfied with the results of my latest trip to the barbershop yesterday. Friend this morning: I actually kinda like it. Me: You know, I slept on it, and I think it's grown on me a hair","// Me applauding and high-fiving myself internally" +"I haven't slept for 10 days","Because that would be too long" +"I would tell you a joke about a baby horse but,","It's just aw-foal" +"Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet","But most just have 4" +"What do you get when two ants run away together","An antelope" +"What Kind of Train Eats the Most","A Chew-Chew Train" +"Went to the grocery store with my roommate. I told him I would meet him in the deli because I needed to get food from a different section. We come out of the aisle, right where the packaged meats are (ground beef, sirloins, chicken, etc. ) and turn in separate directions. I look at them and notice right away that the overhead lights are on them are not lit. I yell, Hey, John. John. and he looks back at me. I point to them and say, Dark meat . He looks at me confused, looks at them for a second. He then goes Aaawwwww. and throws his hat on the ground","I'm known for my puns, so his reaction was all the better" +"I was video chatting with an attractive guy. He dadjoked my dadjoke. Him: You're a pretty cool person. Me: Actually I'm nice and toasty. I'm wearing sweater tights and have a blanket over me. Him: But where did you get the bread","Oh, right, you're just loafing around" +"What sound did the lamb, the drum and the snake make when you threw it from a cliff","Ba-dum-tss" +"Velcro Salesman A Velcro salesman knocked on my door and said I should be using Velcro to tie my stuff down","I told him I would rather knot" +"They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian","Well, they're not laughing now" +"Is this Ron. https://i. imgur. com/2qRuW9M","png" +"A guy walks into a bar and sees a girl. Guy:. You're the most average girl here. Girl:. You're so mean. Guy:","No, you are" +"Every time I see a picture of Kim Kardashian, I feel a shortness of breath","I’m afraid I might be assmatic" +"Was at the grocery store when a gentleman hit us with these What did the scarf say to the hat. You go on ahead I'll come around. Why was the strawberry crying. Her mother was in a jam. He said a couple more in rapid fire, we were groaning and laughing too hard to remember","He said Oprah told him to" +"What do you call the assistant to the assistant nut","A Co-Co-nut" +"What do you call someone who points out the obvious","Someone who points out the obvious" +"TIL that the first recorded sandwich was made by the famous rabbi, Hillel the Elder, who lived during the 1st century B","Whoops wrong Sub" +"What do you call a prostitute that does really mean things","A whore-able person" +"My dad just got me. So my family and I are at a buffet and i asked a question. Me: When I'm done eating, do you think I can run over to K Mart really quick. Dad: Why don't you walk over there","Groans were made as we continued eating" +"What do you call a dad joke that spawned more jokes","A grandad joke" +"What kind of bellybutton's do Germans have","Audis" +"When a russian nesting doll makes a dad joke, nobody gets it","Because there all inside jokes" +"My dad just told me the German word for bra","Holdsemfromflopin" +"Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens","They kept saying Bach, Bach" +"What’s Harry Potter’s favorite way to get down a hill. It’s walking","Rowling" +"Watching Avengers with my father","The flying carrier went invisible and he says bet you didn't see that coming" +"Got my lady earlier at the grocery store. We were shopping at our local grocery store. She is pretty short, and she needed to reach the sugar on one of the higher shelves. She grabbed my arm to get my attention (mobile redditing,) and asked, Can you reach up there and grab that sugar please. I looked up from my phone and said, Which one is the 'sugar-please. ' As I was reaching up to grab it she kicked me in the butt for how stupid it was","I stood proud" +"Two peanuts walked into a park","One was as-salted" +"Your mom and I need privacy. Got wife good tonight. She had just laid out all the kid's Xmas presents in the guest room with sacks and wrapping paper, scissors, etc and instructed me how she wanted it done. Then our daughter barges in. Wife scrambles to cover the gifts. So I say: > Mommies and Daddies need privacy sometimes","We have sacks in here" +"Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella","Fo’ Drizzle" +"What do you call tinder for cardboard","A boxing match" +"How do you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl. They're all girls","otherwise, they'd be uncles" +"I'll never forget the last words my dad said before he kicked the bucket","son, look how far i can kick this bucket +" +"I was having trouble playing a song on guitar and my teacher said practice to a tick . It didn't work at all and now. I have","Lyme disease" +"I wrote my first book today","My first book" +"This one is way under appreciated appreciated . .","1" +"A pun walked into a room and kills 10 people","Pun in, ten dead" +"My puppy refused to be put back in his crate for bedtime","He was charged with resisting a rest" +"Why was the farmer afraid to go in his corn field","He was afraid of being stalked" +"Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train","Because he had a loco-motive" +"Chinese Takeaway I was waiting for Chinese takeaway with my dad, and the owner of the store came out. Are you all right. She asked my dad. No","he replied, I'm half left" +"A man walks into a zoo","The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog It’s a shitzu" +"A painter asks around the shop if anyone has seen his can of lacquer","After no one knows where it is, the painter shrugs and says huh, it must have varnished" +"My teacher says I'm pretty good at addition but I'm terrible at subtraction","I don't get the difference" +"Her: Why on earth are you kicking the ice cubes under the refrigerator. You: No worries","It’ll soon be water under the fridge" +"I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger","Then it hit me" +"I have the same kind of hair as Jon Snow and I mentioned I should go as him next year for Halloween. Sister-in-law says I'll need to lose some weight to pull that off","I said fine, I'll go as Jon Snowman" +"George. Michael died. It was his last","Christmas.." +"While pulling into a parking lot my wife noticed a car with a reverse light out. Our friend in the back seat was a dad for a short while. All I heard her say was I guess only half of the car is backing up","I'm so proud of her" +"Came home with all purpose flour. My wife asked why I didn’t get bread flour","I told her there wasn’t any, in these times bakers can’t be choosers" +"What type of computer sings","A dell" +"What kind of pants do dermatologists wear","Skinny jeans" +"LPT: Always wear hearing protection when you go to loud concerts","This is sound advice" +"What type of cheese is made backwards","Edam" +"I have two diseases","One is alzheimer, the another one is alzheimer" +"I had pain my knees, but with the help of my doctor, I feel better","It was a joint effort" +"What are the strongest days of the week. Saturday and Sunday","The rest are weekdays" +"What do you call a guy who insists on seeing a masseur instead of a masseuse","A massagenist" +"I am terrified of elevators","I am going to start taking steps to avoid them" +"What is Forrest Gump's Facebook password","1forest1" +"What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed","OH SHEET" +"hey, son. have you heard about the kidnapping","he woke up" +"What do you do when a Piglet goes missing. Send out a hamber alert","I'm sorry" +"Why did the hipster drown","He went ice skating on a pond before it was cool" +"What does every Tickle Me Elmo get before it leaves the factory","Two test tickles" +"Anyone know any new Groundhogs Day jokes","I keep hearing the same ones over and over and over again" +"What's the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'. One means it's against the law. The other is a sick bird","-Told to me by my dad, about 40 years ago" +"Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offer to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle","It was an ether/oar situation" +"Why was the shellfish taking drugs","Because it had sore mussels" +"Two men worked on the same police force. One was named Michael White and the other Kevin Wong. Together, they formed a good-cop-bad-cop team known as White and Wong. When White was killed in the line of duty, Wong's brother joined the force, but it was never quite the same","After all, two Wongs don't make a White" +"Which side of a cat has the most fur","The outside" +"Someone threw up on me at a party","I had a sick time" +"Why can't you send email to the trump administration","They prefer alternative fax" +"Rick. Astley gives you almost all of his. Pixar move collection. He’s never gonna give you","Up" +"My friend had been asking me to go spelunking with him for years but it was only until recently that I kept on refusing","I finally caved" +"Why do Nuns enjoy playing tag. \- they like being chaste. Made this up this morning","So proud" +"Waiter: Be careful, the plate is really hot. You: No worries","I'm not really attracted to plates" +"Got my friend Me: Do you have a hole in your shoe. My friend: No","Me: Well, how did you get it on then" +"What is a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer","Comet" +"I ran into a girl at a vegan restaurant who said she knew me. But","I never met herbivore" +"I was trying to analyze why I’m still single","So I divided the data according to the ex-axis and the why-axis" +"My fiancée and I had our wedding shower today. I greeted everyone like this: We thank you for all your presence here today. We especially thank you for all of your presents here today","My fiancée groaned, my mom sighed, and I got blank stares from all of the women, but the men- the men all chuckled" +"Why did the USSR have so many traffic jams","Stalin" +"Why did the coffee file a police report","It got mugged" +"What do you call a zoo that has only one animal and it's a dog","A shitzhu" +"Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of their choice, and whoever received the most karma for it would win. Adam, already undecided himself, decided to go to /r/AskReddit. He laid out the agreement, and asked that everyone vote one their favorite movie, and the one with the most votes he would use for the his friends. Unfortunately, as the votes were split in that sub, his highest post amounted to a mere 38 points. Paul, a big proponent for the Toy Story franchise, posted to /r/nostalgia in the hopes that everyone who grew up with Toy Story would agree. Unfortunately, as there had been two sequels (with a third on the way) it wasn't exactly considered nostalgia and he got downvoted into oblivion. Bill, who loved Monsters Inc. , made his case using some trickery. Going to /r/news, he found a seemingly unrelated post, and made a top-level comment describing, in great detail, why Monsters Inc. was the greatest film of all time. The fact that the post was so out of context made everyone flock to it, and drew enough attention to new him over a thousand fake internet points. Mike, who loved the Incredibles movies, decided to stay in his wheelhouse. Over the course of several hours, he created each of the family members from the Incredibles in Soulcaliber VI. Finally, he photoshopped the family together, and posted it to /r/gaming. Under normal circumstances this would have skyrocketed to the top, but the format was stale, and thus only received 20k karma. Still, Mike was confident in his victory. While the other four friends came up with plans on how to maximize their karma gains, Chris sat silently. For hours he sat, making no posts, coming up with no original content. Finally, an hour before the deadline, he broke into his neighbor's house, stealing his copy of the Pixar movie Up . He took a picture of his theft and posted it directly to /r/dadjokes with the title STOLEN . When the group got together the next day to see who got the most votes, everyone was in awe. Chris's post had over 40,000 points. How did you know that would win. Easy, Chris replied","Everyone knows stolen content on /r/dadjokes gets all the Up votes" +"Waitress comes over to see if we are ready to order by saying Are we good to go here","No, actually we'd like to stay and eat" +"That's a nice ham you've got there","it'd be a shame if somebody put an 's' at the front and an 'e' at the end" +"My friend keeps saying Cheer up man, things could be worse","You could be in an underground hole full of water I think he means well" +"My friend asked me for help fixing his robotic lizard","I told him Viagra was a good way to fix e-reptile dysfunction" +"How did I escape Iraq","Iran" +"Least spoken language in the world","Sign language" +"It's the Chinese Super Bowl","Super Bowl **LI**" +"You know there's a religious group based on the Bourne Identity series","Yeah, they call themselves Bourne Agains" +"To the man that stole my camouflage jacket","You can't run, but you can hide" +"Dad joked my wife last night regarding a package I opened up the front door to check if a package had been delivered and walked away disappointed, Darnit. I was expecting my deoderant to arrive. Wife, in the most whatever tone she could muster: Oh no. What are you going to do. Me: I'm going to throw my hands in the air and say, 'This stinks","' Edit: Fixed phone keyboard nonsense" +"Julius Caesar walks into a bar","He holds up two fingers And says Give me five beers" +"The key to winning in. Battle. Royale games is the element","Of supplies" +"Why elephants have red eyes Do you know why elephants have red eyes. > um, no man, why. So they can hide in cherry trees > rolls eyes, yeah sure Did you ever see an elephant hide in a cherry tree","> um, no See, thats how well it works" +"So someone stole the miner’s gold, He said “Au","Get back here with my gold”" +"Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new piano","Neither has he" +"A man walks into a bakery holding a crab The man approaches a baker and says excuse me, do you serve crab cakes here. The baker replies no, we do not. Saddened, the man lifts up the crab and says what a shame","it's his cake day" +"What kind of clothing does a house wear","Address" +"At breakfast my dad told us that he had Ebola. Dad: Thekingsdeath's mom I have ebola. Ebola cereal","My mom definitely didn't appreciate that at such an early time" +"Why don't black holes have friends","Because they a void everyone" +"I saw a sign today that said hiring airport drivers . Which","I think is a weird way to say pilot." +"They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy","It was a counter attack" +"my ex-girlfriend's grandfather's funeral I was at my ex-girlfriend's grandfather's funeral just kind of standing on the side of the room. her sister's husband walked over to me and introduced me to his father. I noticed that his tie had whales and dolphins on it and he said it was his favorite tie. I learned over to my ex and said at least he wears that tie with a porpoise","(needless to say, she didn't speak to me for a while)" +"Why can't bicycles stand upon their own","They are two tired" +"Headaches are fake","They’re all in your head" +"So I was eating some fruit today I work at an airport. I had been fueling for a bit when a local flight instructor came in asking for fuel right as I sat down for breakfast. Hey man. Can I get some fuel for my plane. Dude, you saw me just sit down to eat my clementine, I said jokingly. What, do you have a special break for eating those things. To which I replied, Yeah, I call it clementime","Needless to say, my girlfriend is probably leaving me for that one" +"What did the shy pebble wish","That she was a little boulder" +"I ate 3. Burritos today","The consequences were gastronomical" +"My dad is such a dad. Merry late Christmas. He addresses everything like this. http://imgur","com/CctsFMz" +"I would like to be a millionaire just like my dad","He always wanted to be a millionaire too" +"Guys, to be frank","I would have to change my name" +"I’m so angry right now, someone broke into my house and stole my limbo stick","How low can you go 🙄" +"Dad joke in music class. It was music theory day and we were identifying the period of music of a piece by ear when my teacher said, If it isn't Baroque. and I yelled Don't fix it","*Groans" +"I am amazed by intersecting lines","They are truly without parallel" +"If “womb is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom”, then then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced “BOOM”","I hope that blew your minds" +"If you have bad bread at home, please throw it away","That's the yeast you could do" +"The astronaut's dad made a fatal mistake","He didn't understand the gravity of the situation" +"I admit I was wrong about how good my chiropractor is","I stand corrected" +"Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet","But most have 4" +"Do you know why the doctor ran the red light","He didn't have any patients" +"I told my friends a stepdad joke. All","I got were stairs" +"I got my campers good this morning. I run a summer day camp for about 130 campers each day. This morning I woke up to a thunderstorm, and as a camp director, that meant all schedules and activities are out the window and something different had to be done. I greeted all the campers at the morning assembly and said, **Looks like the rain has put a *damp* ---er on things. ** It was met with resounding groans from the staff and older kids and a great giggle from the younger campers","I was soooo proud" +"My bucket is way better than yours. Yours pales in comparison","Credit: James S" +"I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage","The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity" +"My dad is not one for jokes, but he told me this yesterday. “I got my vaccine and woke up the next morning with blurry vision","Then I put my glasses on" +"Heard about the two criminals who stole a calendar","They each got 6 months" +"I saw my dog on the ceiling","All he’s saying is roof." +"Who is off","and why does everyone want me to fuck him/her" +"I got a haircut and didn’t like it. But","I’ll admit, it started to grow on me ." +"I asked my magic 8-ball for its thoughts on email clients","It said Outlook not so good" +"How do you make holy water","You boil the hell out of it" +"Two antennae met at a bar. They started dating and eventually fell in love. They decided to get married","The wedding left a lot to be desired, but the reception was great" +"Spanish dad:. I'm leaving for the city","Spanish son: ciudad" +"My dad was on fire tonight. He was talking about his week and was telling me how there was a guy on his bowling team who was very sick and couldn't make it to bowling that night","He said the guy came down with a bad case of no-bowla" +"My wife: “I once knew these twins who were exactly alike except one of them was missing an eye. ” Me: “They call those","DENTICAL twins”" +"What makes sandwiches perfect for rednecks","They’re in bread" +"Kirchoff's Law My dad and I went to lunch today and I was telling him about the things we are learning in my circuits class. I told him all about voltage, current, circuit elements (this is ECE 101) and all kinds of stuff. Then I start to explain Kirchoff's circuit law. He says Not to be confused with Kerchief's law. You know, that law about blowing your nose the right way. I think his name was Hank","He starts laughing as I groan" +"My dad holding some herbs against his hip","Look son, thyme is on my side" +"You know what cracks me up","Chiropractors" +"I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs, they dig, we dig…","It’s not a long poem, but it’s deep." +"Why icebergs are unwanted customers","Because of their small tips" +"Why did they make a sequel to. Highlander","Isn’t there only supposed to be one?" +"Why don't skeletons ever go trick-or-treating","Because they have no body to go with" +"My boss dad joked me. I was explaining how I shipped a laptop from mexico to the US through customs without having to pay a duty. You mean you didn't have to pay shit. since I am a dad. I thought it was funny","Everyone else groaned" +"Tailgating probably isn't my favourite topic in the world","But it's not far behind" +"They say Montana is fairly populated, but it’s actually MT","(Revising my previous joke)" +"For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style","I guess you could call it my minstrel period" +"Went to a wedding last night, Dad dropped this bomb shell during his speach. Thank you all for joining us tonight, it's been a very emotional evening for all of us, even the cake is in tiers","I didn't get it until later" +"Two guys are on a boat with 3 cigarettes but nothing to light them with","They throw one overboard now the boat is a cigarette lighter" +"I was having an argument with my wife in an elevator, and she suddenly pressed all the buttons","She showed me how I was wrong at every level" +"Dad at the hospital Dad hurt his wrist and had to go to the hospital where he talked to a doctor. Dad: When this heals will I be able to play the piano. Doctor: Yes, You'll be fine in a few days","Dad: Perfect, I've always wanted to be able to play an instrument" +"Every time I drive over some bumps in the road. What the","are you driving by braille or something" +"How did Chinese-American business man Robert Nigel Yu get free money from the bank. When the teller asked for his name he said, I am Rob N","Yu" +"Friend of mine was describing how violently his wife sneezes. Me: Is she epileptic. Because it sounds like she is having sneizures. We all thought it was pretty funny but we are in our 30's","ugh" +"I was at home writing a play the other day when Microsoft Office needed an update. It said I needed to install a new copy of Word-- but when I did, the file type was no longer compatible. I actually had to copy and paste it from a window of the old Word to a window of the new Word","You were probably expecting a pun in this story, but there isn't one-- just a little play on Words" +"I met a skeleton yesterday","He’s pretty bad to the bone" +"What is the easiest way to make a banana split","Cut it in half" +"I sneezed, startling my 1 month old, who pooped. Me: I scared the crap out of her. 3 year old gives me a blank stare. Me: Sorry, that joke stinks","3 year old goes back to watching her show" +"Dad hands you a","McDonalds gift card Now don't go spending it all in the same place" +"Got banned from the general store today. Because","I asked the clerk for something specific." +"I won the lottery and spent all my winnings on 17th century paintings and classical instruments","It left me baroque." +"What do you call a bee from the US","A USB" +"What did Mozart say to his friends as they went to get a drink without him","I'll catch up with you in a fugue" +"Got my dad today I was walking with my dad through the woods today and I asked him, Have you seen the mushroom man. The mushroom man","Yeah, he's a pretty fun guy" +"A man sees a stranger grudgingly walking a dog. The man asks, “What kind of dog is that, a setter or a pointer. ” He replies, “Neither","He’s an upsetter and a disappointer" +"Why did the cow look so nervous after eating a pot plant","Because the steaks couldn't be any higher" +"Did you hear about the Dole truck that crashed. It was speeding down the interstate going 20 over the speed limit with a bunch of monkeys hanging off the side when suddenly it lost control and crashed, spilling the contents of it's trailer across all four lanes blocking traffic for hours","It was bananas" +"Did you hear the one about the short person who tried to start a fight","It's a real knee-slapper, I tell ya" +"Did you know that bears love cut-off shirts","It lets them show off their bear arms!" +"Did you hear about the world best milk","Well, it’s pretty legen-dairy" +"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer","I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day" +"I'm dislexic and today I got lost on my daily commute","Oops, wrong bus" +"I have a great joke about procrastination","Meh I’ll just tell ya later" +"Corn is my favorite vegetable","it tastes amaizing" +"My boyfriend will turn down sex for a good joke (Discussion of snake not eating because mouse may be too big) Me: *lays out on bed* want to come here and show me something too big for me. ;) Him: *walks into bedroom and Vanna White's the dresser* I made him leave the room","he just chuckled down the hallway" +"A blonde, brunette, and a red-head walk into a bar","You'd think one of them would have seen it" +"My dad once tried making coffee. When he tasted it he said ahh, like making love in a canoe. I asked if it was that good, his smile faded and he looked me dead in the eye as he said no, its fucking close to water","He poured it down the drain without losing focus and walked out of the kitchen" +"What did the rapper say to his grandma when she knitted him a sweater","G, you knit" +"Did you hear about the Italian chef who died","He pasta way" +"People ask why I have a collection of large scissors","I tell them it is for the shear fun of it" +"Dad just laid this bombshell on me at the park So me and my dad were outside the local park's eating area, which had a big sign reading No dogs allowed on the wall next to it. A family walks straight in with their dog. My dad, expressionless, looks at the sign, then the dog, then looks back at me and simply says: Uhh","I guess the dog can't read" +"What do children's toys and boobs have in common","They're both supposed to be for kids but Dad's end up playing with them" +"Where will you always find a swimmer who can't believe he's drowning","In de-Nile" +"Surveys say 9 out of 10 people have never tried beef tartare","Apparently it’s very rare" +"So the Enterprise got new engines","I heard it was an impulse buy" +"What defines a pickle","A lot, the word pickle is quite cucumbersome" +"My wife and I have decided we don't want kids","The kids don't seem happy" +"What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland","Well, the flag is a big plus" +"Where do you hang up clothes in the Middle East","On Iraq" +"Wife just booked us a hotel room across the street from Carnegie Hall. Well, at least the directions will be easy. . Practice, practice, practice","Then left" +"Have you considered pouring your alcohol into smaller glasses","You should try, it’s worth a shot" +"My girlfriend sent me a text saying Your welcome. Sorry","I don't own a welcome" +"My surf buddy got accepted to. Columbia. University to study. Journalism","He’s very passionate about current events." +"2+2=4","Title sums it up" +"Bought this book for my dad for Father's Day. My boyfriend said it belongs here. http://m. imgur","com/a/huo6v Sorry the pictures are backwards and poor quality" +"Why did the fisherman cross the road","Just for the Halibut" +"2020 hasn't been all bad. I've been doing fine off my OCD meds now for about. 6 months, 15 days, 9 hours, and coming up to 12 minutes","now" +"I saw an ad in a shop window, TV for $5-. Volume stuck on full","Couldn't turn it down." +"When does a normal joke become a dad joke","When the punch line becomes apparent" +"I've been searching for my wife's killer for a year now","I just haven't found the right one yet" +"Have you ever read the text at the bottom of a map","It's the stuff of legends" +"I farted in front of my son. He said That sounded like a duck","I told him That's because I have a butt quack" +"What do gay horses eat","Haaa-ayyyyyyy" +"After hours of searching, I’m happy to say I tracked down my brides beloved pet dolphin","Finally, I found my wife’s porpoise" +"I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid","He says he can stop anytime" +"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore *Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore. * I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password *Why Bob Marley","* Because its always jammin *God damn it*" +"what do you call your child when they are happy","a happy little accident" +"I'm looking into buying a pair of high tech glasses","The specs are really good" +"DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. &#x200B; >MOM: Oh my. Who. DAD: Uh, I can’t remember… I think her name was Reese something. MOM: WITHERSPOON","DAD: No, it was with a knife…" +"Why did the nurse go to art school","Because she wanted to learn how to draw blood" +"My five-year-old came up with this one: What does Daddy drink when he has a bad cough. Coffee. Get it","Cough-ee" +"I don’t often tell. Dad jokes. But when","I do, he usually laughs." +"Why wasn't the pony able to sing his solo at choir practice","He was a little horse" +"Told my parents I was having surgery in a group text","Mom asks me how long I'm out for Dad: Hopefully he's out for the whole surgery" +"A mother and her son attend a yoga class. After 30 minutes of the session the mother says, “I’m going to go. My back is really sore","” The son replies, “Namaste" +"What's a mathematician's favorite dessert","Pie chart" +"I went for a walk with my pregnant wife last night who commented that it felt nice since there was no sun. Me: Of course there isn't","The doctor already said we're having a girl" +"Why do chicken coops have two doors","Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans" +"Son: 'Dad, would it be cool if I turned on the AC","' Me, who got visibly annoyed: 'What else **would** it be" +"how do you catch a rabbit","You hide and make carrot noises" +"What does a depressed person ride","A saddle" +"An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, Can you all see me now","Yes Oui Si Ja" +"How many birds can fit on a branch","Toucan" +"Why did the chicken cross the road","To see chicken strips" +"I got fired from my job at the bank today an old lady asked me to check her balance--so","I pushed her over" +"Patient: *waiting for the doctor* Patient: *waiting for the doctor* Doctor: Sorry to keep you waiting","Patient: Its okay, I am patient" +"Wife: I like your new beard","Me: It's growing on me, too" +"February 22nd 2022 (2/22/22) falls on a tuesday","Guess we could call that the 2s day" +"After dinner, my wife asked me if I could clear the table","I needed a running start, but I made it" +"Friend's daughter got us at dinner Sitting at dinner with my buddy and his daughters, the oldest one is a natural dad. Which state has the smallest sodas","Minnesota" +"What do you call an alligator with a GPS","A navigator" +"Drives by cemetery. *Drives by cemetery* Dad: You see that. *points to cemetery* Everyone: What","Dad: They had to put up a barb wire fence because everyone was dying to get in" +"My aunt was talking about baby names I was talking to my aunt who was pregnant and she was thinking of potential names: Aunt: I've narrowed it down to Winifred for a girl or Conwyn for a boy","Me: I guess it will be a win win situation either way Neither name was picked" +"What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor","Where's my tractor" +"I just built a car out of a washing machine","I’ll be taking it for a spin later" +"What did Nietzsche do when he had too many drinks at the local bar","He called the Überman" +"Mom got me with this one. So my sisters are going to see a show because they got it as a gift and my mom was discussing where she wanted to go to lunch with me. Mom: So where do you want to go to lunch. Me: Outback if that's alright with you","Mom: I could have steaked my life on that" +"I refuse to go to the gym. I. Call it. Resistance","Training" +"Arnold. Schwarzenegger's. One-Sided. Chess","Set I'll be black" +"Thats why they call it a dashboard. So my daughter this morning put a bunch of stuff on the dashboard so when I took off it all ended up in her lap. > Me: Thats why they call it a dashboard not a shelf > <she kind of shrugged it off and a few minutes pass> > Her: what","> Me: Because everything dashes at you when the car takes off :DDDD > Her: <rolls eyes>" +"My fiance is going back to school She was originally going to school for radiography but has changed her mind and decided to go a different route Her: I'm going to major in Kinesiology. Me: What's that. Her: It's the study of the human body with relation to movement and fitness. Me: That sounds neat. What do you already know about it. Her: Next to nothing. But I also don't know Chemistry. Well, except for the basics","Me: What about the acids" +"I take a vested interest in my friends love life http://imgur","com/ymB2qOL Used an image cause it has an image in it" +"Argon walks into a bar","Bartender says “sorry we don’t serve noble gases here” Argon doesn’t react" +"Why does it take a pirate so long to learn the alphabet","Because he spends years at C" +"my waitress asked if. I'd care for a beer","I said, if it needed me" +"I was just looking at my ceiling","Not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there" +"I brought some shoes from a drug dealer","I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day" +"Sorta wholesome. My girlfriend:. I’m pregnant. Me: hi pregnant,","I’m gonna be dad" +"Candlemakers are so good at explaining things","They just make scents" +"That was Egg-celent, Dad We were having a conversation with our family about cooking, and my dad just casually said to my sister (who’s birthday it is tomorrow:) Hey how do you like your eggs. Sis: well if you’re talking about breakfast I like them sunny side up. Dad: Oh, well I like them in cake. I instantly cracked up, and everyone else took a minute. It must be because I’m in culinary school","I love you dad" +"I finally quit drinking for good","I now drink for evil" +"My wife asked me for unsalted butter and since I couldn't find any in the supermarket I started to call the salted butter son of a b****","so I got insulted butter" +"How did the farmer find his wife","He tractor down😂😂😂" +"[cross post from /r/funny] http://imgur","com/j40vt75" +"I don't like dumb dad jokes","Actually that couldn't be father from the truth" +"I'm going bananas that's what. I say to my bananas before","I leave the house." +"I just bought an 8mm Uzi","It's so small I can't use it" +"It takes forever to finish a meal at the new Reddit themed restaurant","The servers are always busy" +"Her: Did you know Australia has 9 of the world’s 10 deadliest snakes. Me: Shit","One escaped" +"Dad buying wine *At liquor store, father buying wine* Clerk: Do you wanna box for that","Dad:Sure *Lifts fists ready to fight*" +"Chicken proofed my yard today","It's impeccable" +"How did the King save his drowning son","With an heir-net" +"What happened when the escalator broke down","Everyone stopped and staired…" +"If Bucky and Iron Man started a coffee business","It will be called Starkbucks" +"At the maternity hospital, a doctor handed the husband the baby and said I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it","The husband handed the baby back and said well then, give me the one my wife did make" +"Why do tectonic plates have to wear diapers","Because they struggle within continents" +"Shower thoughts of a neighborhood kid. Why do they call being born a delivery","Shouldn't it be called take-out" +"What odd number is no longer odd when you remove a letter. Seven. If you you remove the S it becomes even. Heard from my nine year old three minutes ago","I’ve never been more proud" +"What does the electrician say when he meditates","Oooohm" +"What’s the difference between a pun and a dad joke","One is not always apparent" +"What did the mommy bullet say to the daddy bullet. We’re gonna have a","BB!" +"I know what I have to do today","I must march fourth" +"What do you call someone who is in charge of running all operations for a farm","The CIEIO" +"When it comes to numbers, there are only 3 types of people in this world","those that can count and those that can’t" +"What do you call a fake noodle","An impasta" +"Many people are amazed by the black hole","Others still don't understand the gravity of the situation." +"The other day someone was trying to attack me so. I kicked a table on them","It was a counter-attack." +"With trembling hands, my doctor looked up from my x-ray and stammered, This is exactly what I was afraid of. Gripping my chest, I rasped, What","Eyes wide, he whispered, Skeletons" +"Why did Dwayne Johnson cry out in pain","There was a Rock in his shoe" +"How does Moses make coffee","Hebrews it" +"As a customs officer,. I don’t always agree with you,. But","I can see where you are coming from." +"The Butcher Got My Son So yesterday my 9 year old son and I were at the food market buying some meat that was on sale. We bought a large piece and the butcher was slicing it up into steaks of us. He is chatting with my son casually while we watch. The Butcher asks my son, What school do you go to. My son replies, High Pointe. The Butcher then says, Oh really, can you spell that. Confident in his ability to spell, my son starts out H-I-G-H P","The Butcher interrupts and says, NO It's T-H-A-T, I asked you to spell that" +"My dad's perfect dad joke today Me: Dad, do you know what a dad joke is","Dad: Yeah, they're my jokes" +"Getting an emissions test I walked into an auto repair shop last week to get my parents' car's emissions checked. The guy behind the counter was a jolly old fellow, most likely a dad. &nbsp; > Me: Hi. I need an emissions test for my car. > Guy: Did you study","&nbsp; I told my dad when he got home; he laughed, of course" +"What do you call a cheep circumcision","A rip off" +"Dad dropped this one on me during our vacation We passed a gated cemetery and he said, Do you know why that cemetery has a gate around it. Me: idk why","Dad: Because people are dying to get in" +"A friend of mine is failing his. Spanish class. I told him he needed more. Vitamin","Si." +"I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee","They said it was grounds for termination" +"He cracks himself up One night when we were sitting around the table eating dinner my brother was showing off his beard talking about how he was doing No Shave November . My Dad gets up, gets another beer, sits down and just goes, What's next. No Dump December","He was sitting there chuckling so hard to himself he couldn't eat another bite" +"I meant to go into a Which Wich, but ended up in a Quiznos","Oops, wrong sub" +"My dad doesn't usually dadjoke, but. We were at KFC with my little brothers, and he smashed his foot against the door, and was complaining about how much it hurt for a while. My brother said are you going to see the doctor tomorrow. Nah","I think I'll just call a toe truck" +"What scent did Jesus wear","The Axe of the Apostles" +"What do you do to congratulate dentists on a job well done","Give them a plaque" +"What do you call a cow with no legs","Ground beef" +"What do you call a female Barber","Barbara" +"Why do marsupials have big ears","Better audio koala-ty" +"I recently visited my child’s classroom at school. There were all sorts of wonderful things, but the most amazing thing there was the dry erase board","Those things are remarkable" +"Do you know about the new rock band The Vegetarians","They're like nothing I've ever herbivore" +"Whats a polygon","It's when your parrot comes up missing" +"What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line. Hey gourd-geous","Wanna go back to my place and squash" +"I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in 20 minutes","Sure its only three words, but for me that's an improvement" +"What did the hiker smell as he climbed up the mountain","Ascent" +"What do you call a teacher that doesn't fart in public","A private tooter" +"Dadjoked my cubemate this morning. She has an air freshener that burns different scented wax. She had run out. Her: Oh, no. I need more scents","Me: Read a book once in a while" +"What do you do with a dead scientist","Barium" +"I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet","I don’t know y" +"Me: The eagles won last night. Coworker: oh did you watch the game","Me: *covered in blood and scratches* what game" +"How to get an 8 year old to hate you. So after my daughter got off the bus, she was telling me about her day. She said that, at lunch, she was pretending to be a goblin. Gobbling what. , I asked. Hopefully your lunch. She stared at me (trying hard not to smile), let out an exasperated sigh, and said I hate your jokes","Then walked away to the house without as much as another word" +"What do you call an alligator that’s wearing a vest","An investigator" +"If money doesn't grow on trees","then why do banks have branches" +"My pregnant wife dadjoked me. and she's not even a mom yet. Getting out of bed this morning was tough for her. she's more than 8 months pregnant and she's getting to the point where it's getting hard to move","She awkardly, but very smoothly rolled out of bed, and with a big smile on her face said That's how I roll" +"Christmas Tree Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree and the guy behind the counter asked my dad, Are you going to put it up yourself. and my dad said Don't be disgusting","I'm going to put it up in the living room" +"I feel bad for baby chickens","They come from broken homes" +"What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt","An Impretzel" +"Florida school for the deaf and blind Driving through St","Augustine and my grandma reads out loud a sign that says Florida school for the deaf and blind and my dad promptly replies yeah, you don't see or hear much about that place" +"A cat can't land upright if you drop it from 24 inches","It needs 4 feet" +"My pork belly on the stove caught on fire and my wife put it out","She really saved my bacon" +"What is Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination","HAND EEEEEEEEYE" +"How do you know if a zombie studied law","He always eats the arms first, however, legislator" +"My daughter is completely obsessed with fantasy novels featuring female protagonists","She is a heroine addict" +"How do baby skunks follow their mom at night","End stinks" +"I saw some cows in the field smoking a joint and playing poker","The steaks were high" +"What’s the difference between a snow man and a snow woman","Snow balls" +"A dad joke comic strip http://imgur","com/14PpzWM" +"I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream","I can’t wait to rub it in" +"How do you make holy water","Just take regular water and boil the hell out of it" +"What unit of measurement does a serial killer use to weigh its victims","Kill-o-grams" +"Girlfriend dad joked me last night As we get in her car I ask her Did I leave my hat in here. She replies: Yes, I've been keeping it cap-tive","Then smirked really hard and looked away" +"I can see where my girlfriend gets her sense of humour. Her father just pulled this one: http://i. imgur. com/XlRbWp1","jpg" +"What do you call a dog that meditates","Aware-wolf" +"Just heard this one from a buddy 3 men are on a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. How did they light them","They threw one overboard and make the boat a cigarette lighter" +"Mountains aren't funny","They are hill-areas" +"A vegan said to me, People who sell meat are disgusting","I said, People who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer" +"If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while","They are normally around 90 degrees" +"My son took some exams to become a pirate. He kept getting high","C's" +"I use this on my girlfriend every once in awhile Me: I love you Her: I love you back Me: But what about me front","Her: *groan*" +"Did you hear about the chef that was fired for wasting too much meat","More steaks were made" +"Who is the fastest Disney character","Simba’s dad, he can Mu-fasa than everybody else" +"Why should you never fight a dinosaur","You'll get jurasskicked" +"Did you hear Lin Manuel Miranda's next project will be a Shakespeare musical","It's called Hamleton" +"Why did Mr. Owl eat before going on his date with Mrs","Owl Because he has toeat-towoo" +"What do you call a russian streaming service with no movies","Nyetflix" +"Which of Harry Potters spells never surprises anyone","Expected Patronum" +"Have you guys seen the latest thing to go viral","It's called measles" +"I heard they put the declaration of independence in a museum,","They renamed it the decoration of independence." +"Today my wife told me she can't even","I just looked at her and said well that's odd." +"If you've gotten the email about salted, processed, canned meat; do not open it","It is Spam" +"I asked my daughter to hand me a whisk. Here, but the handle is broken she said","To which I replied, That's a whisk I'm willing to take" +"If you're feeling under the weather, spend a night in a smokehouse","You'll be cured in no time" +"People always say I'm wasting my time telling bee jokes","But the truth is, bee comedians make a pheromone of money" +"What's Robin Hoods girlfriend called. A teacher asks her class Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend. Little Paddy raises his hand and says Yes Miss, it's Trudy Glen. No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion. But Miss, what about the song","Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen" +"Why did the bike fall over","Because it was two tired" +"Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight","Because it was well armed" +"What do you call a boomerang made of teeth","I don't remember the punchline and it's probably going to come back to bite me" +"Customer dadjoked his children at the convenience store today. The kids were probably around 8-12 years old. They all go the sweet aisle and start looking at the chocolate etc. The father picks up a bag of M&Ms and says to his kids: Hey, want some Slim Shadys. They give him a funny look. He looks again and notices that they're 2 for £1. 50 Cent for some Eminems. That's Ludacris. Cue another look from the kids. I'll pay for them though, it's no Biggie","I'll admit, I chuckled" +"Every time he talks to a store employee. Every single time my Dad goes to a store, no matter what sort of store it is, and an employee talks to him, i. Can I help you find anything","He, with a completely serious expression, gives the same response: Yes, I'm looking to rent a pair of downhill skis" +"Urinal out of order Dad walked into a restroom and saw an Out of order sign on a urinal. Man","it's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order" +"What did the pirate say when he turned 80","Aye Matey" +"My dad's take on Adrian Beltre approaching 3000 hits http://imgur","com/8P4OTom" +"How my dad told me that he upgraded his data plan. He texted me I feel like everyone is ogling me. After I took the bait and asked why","he said I'm a hotspot now" +"It required a lot of effort for a man to implement a rule about only allowing large-footed patrons into his restaurant","It was no small feat" +"Dad joked my wife this morning. My wife is on a no dye in our food kick. This morning she said: We need to go dye free to be healthier. Me: But dye IS healthy. Her: What the hell are you talking about. How is it healthy. Me: Everyone knows when you Dye-it, you lose weight","The eye-roll I got from her was priceless" +"Why shouldn't you shower with a Pokemon around","Because they might sneak a Pikachu" +"Until cavemen invented the wheel","life was a real drag" +"My wife hates how I always pretend we are on walkie-talkies Wife: our relationship is over. Me: our relationship is what","Over" +"My dad went to see Guardians of the Galaxy 2. Me: How was the movie","My dad: It was Groot" +"My friend doesn't like people named Ray","He's a bit of a raycist" +"Where to most countries keep there armies","in their sleeve-ies" +"Does anyone want to buy my old vacuum cleaner","It’s just gathering dust" +"Dude, you're getting a DUI Today at work a different FedEx delivery dude shows up, makes the dude you got a Dell. reference (since he was delivering a computer) and then proceeds to say how we don't see those commercials anymore because the actor was jailed for marijuana possession. Everyone heard it wrong and thought our normal guy was in jail, to which my boss replies, Weed","I thought that was a Gateway drug" +"One for the history nerds I was studying for a world history exam the other day when I realized I couldn't remember anything about post-classical India","My first reaction was, Oh, Shiite" +"What did the o say to the other o","Ohio" +"What's the main difference between a penis and a vagina","[NSFW] I'd say there's quite a vas deferens" +"Where's the best place in Finland to hold a fart competition","Hell-stinky" +"I feel bad for toilets","They have to deal with so much shit" +"No more, no less Alcoholic goes to the doctor, who tells the man he can't drink anymore. A week later, the man's brother sees him in a bar drinking and says, I thought the doctor said not to drink any more","The man responds, Yeah, no more, no less" +"My wife set me up perfectly Last night while we were out running errands, we drove by this place that had a bunch of little storage sheds on display outside. Right next to this business was a karate school. My wife says, Why would the karate school have all of those sheds in front of it. I respond, Honey, those sheds are square","If they belonged to the karate school, they would be round-houses" +"What did the duck say when the king ordered him to speak","Sure thing ma'llard" +"What did they call the movie where Matt Damon looks for thrift store treasures","Goodwill Hunting" +"GF did my laundry once. Got my old GF with this one a long while back. She was folding the laundry and found some bills in one of my jeans pockets. I immediately said You know that's illegal right. She says What. What's illegal. Me: Money laundering is a federal offense. Her: It is. Oh my God, I had no idea. Me:","Things didn't work out in the end for us" +"Why don't pirates buy ships from Apple. Well they did at first","Then Apple removed all the ports" +"What tree is the handiest","A palm tree" +"Kid:. Surely. You cant be serious. Dad:","I am being serious and don't call me shirley" +"In the college Statistics exam, we were asked to subtract the average from all the data points","That was very demeaning" +"Why don't vultures check bags when they fly","They're strictly carrion birds" +"What kind of bread does a pig eat","WHEATTTT\-WHEATTTT" +"Please pass the dressing. I'm not sure if","I can, are you covered with my insur-ranch?" +"On a road trip with my dad, going through Carey, Idaho. people are really nice in this town, he said. They seem to really Carey","After we got through the town, he says, Well, Carey on" +"What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday","Aye, matey" +"What has 4 letters but sometimes has 9 letters","Yes, that's correct." +"Just found out my wife is pregnant I'm in a sauna in AC and I tell guy in there it's like a sauna in here","My first official dad joke" +"The Incredibles. Incredible. The Incredibles 2","Incredible too" +"A friend asked me 'don't you think rape jokes are stupid","' 'Yeah, they're a bit forced" +"Emailing photos Mom: I can only send so many pictures in one email without compressing them","Dad: Sounds like you need a bigger envelope" +"What do you call an enemy plant","Foeliage" +"My poor family puts up with me Last night at supper, this interchange occurred (it helps if you know we're from Oklahoma and speak with an Oklahoma drawl): Wife: Come on little bug, and get some supper. Daughter: Did you just call me a bug. Me (quickly looking at my wife): Who is Mia Bugg, and why do ya have her phone number","Both wife and daughter stopped and stared at me for about 10 seconds, then slowly shook their heads and walked past me" +"If you're ever attacked by a mob of clowns, remember this","Go for the juggler" +"A pun walks into a bar, and ten people drop dead","Pun in, ten dead" +"Have you heard that joke about rubber","It's BAND in many countries" +"What did the colonists wear to the Boston Tea Party","Tea Shirts" +"What do you call it when your friends encourage you to eat more fruit","Pear Pressure" +"My wife is a body builder","Yep, she’s pregnant" +"I keep getting told I'm a terrible mailman","Oops I've posted this in the wrong place" +"Got dadjoked by my wife last night. Me: How do you like your hair now that it's been a week since you got it cut","Wife: It's growing on me" +"What's the capital of Turkey","The t" +"What do you do if you're ever attacked by clowns","Go for the juggler" +"4 year old got me today We just got back into the car after shopping at Lowe’s. Me: It’s hot in here, I’m toasty","4yo: I’m going to spread jelly on you" +"I went to see my doctor about my fear of lapels","He said you've got cholera" +"My redneck uncle just got me. I asked my redneck uncle if he thought all races were equal","He said nah Daytona is 500 laps and Brickyard is only 400" +"Chandler Bing really is the master of dad jokes. While at a tailor's, How long do you want the cuffs","Well at least for as long as I have the pants" +"What is the most bitter drink to swallow","Reali-tea" +"Helping my daughter get ready for school She hands me a pair a pants and says put these on. I tell her I don't think these will fit","She rolls her eyes and says no dad put these on me" +"It's been a bit of a strange day. First I found a hat full of money","Then I got chased down the road by an angry man with a guitar" +"I met a woman at a bar who said she had a great pair of knees. I went home with her that night","Her knees looked completely normal, but the huge white dog was pretty amazing" +"I really thought about going on an all-almond diet But","that's just nuts" +"I'm on the fence about moving to Stockholm","I need a little something to Sweden the deal" +"What happened when a man hit a window","He was in pane" +"They made a movie about sperm","Because sex cells" +"Are you Vladimir Tootin' or Vladimir Pootin'. Generally uttered while assessing my eight-month-old twins' diaper situations","Because you never know if they just tooted or shat…" +"A horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks, “Why the long face","” The horse replies, “My alcoholism is destroying my family" +"Dad went out last night, Guess who I saw last night",", he asks everyone i looked at" +"My GF Asked Me For a Favor Because She Sucked She wanted my help because she . needs air in my tires and I suck. I told her that was her problem, that she should probably blow air into her tires instead","No reaction from her" +"When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream, and put a cherry on my head","Yeah, life was tough in the gateau" +"Why was the Star Wars baseball team so bad","Because they were all Wookies" +"Pun enters a room and kills 10 people","Pun in, 10 dead" +"What time did the man go to the dentist","Tooth hurt-y" +"No electricity this morning","It is amazing how powerless it makes you feel" +"I get my wife every time I offer my 9 month old son a sip of my beer Wife: please don't give him any ideas Me: don't worry, I wont","I'll just give him beer" +"Why do dragons sleep during the day","So they can fight Knights" +"What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant. Dead ant. dead ant","dead ant, dead ant, dead ant" +"What do you call a boat that really concentrates on a task","Laser-focused" +"I've got a good one for you guys if","I do say so myself so myself." +"Looks like he's also the dad of the family http://i. imgur. com/iUCG0V1","jpg" +"I just got accepted into the most popular anger management group","It’s all the rage" +"My buddy said he was over fireworks on the Fourth of July","I replied, I'm pretty sure the fireworks are over you" +"Last night I dreamed about swimming in an ocean of orange soda","I was my own crazy fanta-sea" +"Dropped this one a week ago. I don't even have a girlfriend. At a rehearsal for my choir, the director made some last minute changes to the standing arrangements. For a couple songs, we wouldn't be standing in the usual Soprano Alto Tenor Bass formation, but we'd we standing in a way that we were surrounded by people of different sections. As you can imagine, shifting around 4 rows of risers is a bit hectic, so I asked my friend where exactly I had to go. He told me, As long as you're mixed, it's okay. A wave of dark intentions washed over my brain. I looked him dead in the eyes and said, But I'm Chinese . It took him a full two seconds to register what I just said","What in the actual fuck is happening to me right now" +"I thought the minecraft cave update was coming but","Nether mind" +"What do you call a hen who counts her own eggs","A mathemachicken" +"Why shouldn't you give Elsa a balloon","Cuz she'll Let It Go" +"I wouldn't buy anything with velcro","  It's a complete rip-off" +"Not a dad, but got a girl with one at work. I work at Chipotle, and I spend the mornings bagging chips and putting them up on display. After we opened the cashier said, those chips are too close together. I almost knocked over some trying to one down. Without even thinking I said, yeah, sorry. I run a pretty tight chip. She didn't laugh",":/" +"What do you call it when Batman skips church","Christian Bale" +"Walked into the butcher shop and pot smoke filled the air","Needless to say, the steaks were high" +"Did you know diarrhea is hereditary","It runs in the jeans" +"A customer at work asked me for a refill, but just half-full","I gave it to him and said, One optimistic coffee" +"A board game walked into a bar","The barman says, 'I'll serve you but I don't want any Trouble'" +"When I was in high school I had a girl that always tried to sleep with me for my Adderall","Attention whore" +"My sister's pretty fashionable She came downstairs this morning wearing some fancy pants. Mom: You're so cool. Are people into your pants. Sis: Yes","Dad: Don't let them get into your pants" +"Did you hear about the garbage bag tax. Some people think it's too Hefty. Others are Glad","I think the whole thing is trash" +"I did my math homework in the elevator","It was wrong on so many levels" +"I went to the zoo the other day. They only had one animal","It was a shitzu" +"Why couldn't the Egyptian man get over his wife's death","He was in de-nile" +"What comes before Detroit","Cetroit" +"What's the most shocking city in the world","Electricity ⚡" +"Does it still count as a dad joke if told by a son during a frank conversation with his mother. [I got her. ](http://imgur","com/plV219S)" +"You’re a unit of power. Harry","I’m a watt?" +"Why didn't they let the hat-fitter on the boat","He was too excited about cap-sizing" +"Who called it a goat petting zoo","and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind" +"How does Moses make tea","He brews" +"Me: Can you do me a solid","Dad: No, sorry, I have the runs today" +"I absoloutely could not work for my boss after what he said to me","He said i'm fired" +"What do you call shoes made from bananas","Slippers" +"What do french people tell the cashier to do after buying groceries","Baguette" +"My dad has three jokes in his repertoire that he always uses. So I would imagine he would probably be pretty proud of me sharing his jokes on here. Even though they were a persistent annoyance for me growing up, I almost feel like sharing them with the Reddit world kind of takes away some of the specialness. I can't claim any of these are original, but outside of my father, I've never heard anyone else use them. #1. Whenever he has to pay for anything ANYWHERE, he says, my name is Crime . The usual reaction is a blank stare. Then he says, Crime doesn't pay . #2. Anytime we go out to a restaurant and the waiter comes to hand us our check he says, No thanks we can't stay for the drawing, you can contact us by phone if we win anything . #3. The mother of all his dad jokes , this one elicits the most laughter. Anytime he tells someone how he met my mom he says, In college I used to be her tutor. I tutored her in anatomy by braille . He'll on occasion drop others, but those are the ones I grew up with and that he still continues to use to this day. The crime joke. Every. Single. Day. I'm surprised my mother hasn't murdered him after all these years","" +"Why is money called dough","Because we all knead it" +"For the record,","My new vinyl player is great!" +"Why did the cinnamon roll","Because he saw the apple turn over" +"Today while on a steep upslope during a hike my son was walking up the shale rock beside the path with some difficulty. In frustration he shouted, Why am I doing this. And I responded. Well, recently didn't you say you wanted to live a bolder life","Zing" +"I was in a breakfast diner and I called over the waiter I said hey waiter, this coffee tastes like mud","He said that's weird, it was just ground this morning" +"Responding to my photography friend's post the only way a dad can. http://i. imgur. com/aMpD5QS","jpg" +"What do you call a shipment of amphetamine","A speedboat" +"What do you call two guys singing together. A Dude-et. I teach special ed, had an impromptu singing session with one of my students","When we finished another student said ‘nice dude-et’ pretty good, I thought" +"What did the fish say when it hit the wall","Dam" +"Pretty sure. I just discovered a new color that’s not on the color wheel -","Though it could just be a pigment of my imagination." +"My daughter put a toy truck in her mouth. I said take that out of your mouth. She asked why","I said you'll get car sick" +"Which animal is the best at barbecuing","The grilla" +"A recent study shows that 5 out of 26 peoples names start with vowels","Oh sorry, sometimes 6" +"My dad recounted today what he said during his Colonoscopy","Doctor, could you write a note for my wife letting her know my head isn't up there" +"I told my wife she looked a-maize-ing","She said I was just corny" +"Some nice dad jokes at Benihana last night I was looking forward to all the dad jokes at Benihana last night, and I was not disappointed. (Also, epic onion volcano. ) * Our chef says Who wants egg roll. and then rolls an egg across the cooking surface. * When the chef added butter to the cooking vegetables, he threw his bowl of butter into the air a couple times and said Look. Butterfly. * While prepping the shrimp, he put all the tails on his spatula and asked the 6-year-old at the table You ordered just tail, right. * He put one sesame seed on his spatula, showed it to the 6-year-old and said Japanese diet. * Our chef checks with everyone who ordered steak to see how they want it cooked, then says to the people who ordered chicken For chicken, everyone want rare. and then he laughed when one of the girls at the table got really confused","I'm sure there were more that I can't remember once the sake kicked in" +"This is my favourite sub 6. Inch. Veggie. Patty on. Italian. Herb and. Cheese with lettuce, olives, sweetcorn, guerkins, jalepenos, and. Southwest","Sauce." +"What do we want. A cure for tourettes. When do we want it","CUNT" +"Bought my dad a new couch and he totally loves it","Sofa so good" +"So I'm texting this girl that I've been seeing Currently watching the movie Straight Outta Compton while texting this girl that I have a date with tomorrow night. She mentioned that she is drinking a glass of wine but put a bunch of ice in it. Six big cubes. I responded with wow 6 ice cubes. This movie that I'm watching only has one ice cube in it She laughed","Looks like our future's set" +"Educating my kids. Me: Kids, do you know the name of the national martial-art of Israel. Kids: No more jokes Dad, go away. Me: JEW-jitsu . Invented by Jewish people from Japan. Get it","Kids: Never speak to us again" +"What do you get when your gay uncle gets married","Aunt man" +"Why do exorcists moonlight as lawyers","Because possession is nine tenths of the law" +"A Drill Sergeant was chewing out a new recruit when he asked him: Tell me stupid if one of your ears was shot off what would happen. Well sir, I couldn't hear. What if both your ears were shot off. Well, I wouldn't be able to see. That is dumb. Why did you say that","If both my ears were shot off, sir, My helmet would slide right down over my eyes" +"Hit the hight of my comedic career last night. I was at a party and a few friends and I were sitting around talking, when the subjected of anesthesiology came up. A high school senior was talking about how he wanted to become an anesthesiologist, when someone else says I hear it's an incredibly boring job. Without missing a beat I come back with, Yeah, I mean it *literally* puts people to sleep","In my head I imagined the whole room bursting out in laughter, but instead no one heard me, apart from my girlfriend who patted me on the head" +"What happens when you’re behind lettuce in a race and then pass lettuce","You’re aHEAD of lettuce" +"What do you call a person of colour","A 'hue' man" +"What do they call a Cubic Zirconia in Ireland","A sham-rock" +"Why did the soccer coach take his team to Olive garden","He wanted them to pasta bowl" +"I was talking to my dad about something serious and he said, That reminds me of what your grandpa said before he kicked the bucket","I looked at him confused when he said, I wonder how far I can kick that bucket" +"Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was","It was a brief case" +"Dad told me my turn signal light was broken today Wait, it's working again. Now it's not. Now it's fine","Now it's not" +"Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road","Because it was stuck in a crack" +"What do whales carry for protection","Swordfish" +"I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing","It’s laundry day" +"Physiotherapists have incredibly tough jobs","They work their fingers to the bone" +"Dad dropped this one while driving through Texas *sees sign for Dolphin Road* Dad: Dolphin Road","Do you think they put that there on porpoise" +"When is a car not a car","When it turns into a driveway" +"Can I use cash to pay for a new electric car","No, you have to charge it" +"A dad explaining why he makes dadjokes (x-post from bestof) http://www. reddit. com/r/Jokes/comments/25x850/the_new_father/chlq6ko","context=1" +"Another Dad cut in front of me in the after school pick up line It really pissed me off. So the next day I got there early and taught his kid how to ride a bike","And you can never get that back" +"Why does Waldo wear stripes","He doesn’t want to be spotted" +"Today I saw a cute puppy made of gold","Auuuuuu" +"What do you get when Batman leaves church early","Christian Bale" +"Guys, to be Frank","I would have to change my name" +"I was just about to drive off from visiting my folks when dad came running out waving his hands. Oh good you're still here, your mother asked me to call you back. <dramatic pause>","Hello Back, I'm dad :-D GODDAMMIT DAD NOT AGAIN" +"My friend recently told me he was allergic to blood","I told him he was full of it" +"Why did the asteroid hate the restaurant","He just couldn't get past the atmosphere" +"Sister Mary Margaret went to the doctor for her early physical Sister Mary Margaret went to the doctor for her early physical. The doctor said alright, I'll need you to take off your habit and stand in your underwear. The sister took off her habit and stood in her underwear before the doc. He started to examine her and saw lettuce sticking out of her underwear. Sister, you have lettuce sticking out of your underwear. That doesn't look good for your exam","She replied that's just the tip if the Iceberg" +"Would it count as a fall trip. If","I tripped off of a cliff during fall?" +"How does Moses make his tea","Hebrews it" +"Dad pulled one on me this morning I did laundry last night and accidentally put my wallet through","My dad walks in to me sorting everything on top of the washer and says What are you doing, laundering money" +"Someone asked me if. I. Could beat a game with nothing but a shovel. I told them of course","I can, that’s ground breaking technology…" +"Son holiday dad jokes his father On the way to the store . Son: Look, they have Christmas decorations up already. Husband: Oh, for Christ's sake","Son: Yes, they are" +"If you want to save a bunch of animals","I Noah guy" +"Sonic. Restaurant. Wouldn't it be so nice if. Sonic added an","E to its name?" +"What does a tall person say after graduating","I graduated at the top of my class" +"Jokingly told. Dad that","I am thinking about joining a nudist colony and he came out with this; The first day is meant to be the hardest, you stick out like a sore thumb" +"Son: Dad can u tell me a joke Dad:pussy Son:I don't get it","Dad: And u never will" +"My abuela pulled a dad joke on me at church. We went to mass in Spanish and the books with the readings have the front half in English and the back half in Spanish. My abuela asks me what page the reading is on. Abuela: ¿En que página esta la lectura. Me: En ingles es en la página cuarenta y uno","Abuela:(shakes head no) No en ingles es en la página forty-one" +"Hey dad, can you make me a sandwich. Of course","*poof* you're a sandwich" +"A dad joke I came up with What do you call the event when a puppy becomes a dog","A Bark-Mitzvah" +"Scientists have discovered a way to walk through walls","Its called a door" +"What’s a pet fish’s favorite holiday. Tanksgiving Credit: my 8 year old","I love her terrible jokes so much" +"Emotional support So this was a few years ago I had just been diagnosed with brain cancer and I had go to a clinic and deposit some sperm before I started chemo. My dad said he would drive me there for emotional support","So I go in the back room, do my business, then on the elevator ride down my dad leans in and asks did everything cum out ok" +"The secret service isn't allowed to yell Get down","anymore when the president is about to be attacked now they have to yell Donald, duck" +"What would you call a 1gb file hitting on 1mb files","A Pedofile" +"Buddy of mine had a Dad moment. So, I was explaining how I have very few jeans acceptable for public. I mentioned that the other day, I was digging around in some old clothes and found a pair of jeans with no holes in them","Buddy : Then how'd you get in them" +"I was beating the shit out of a grape the other day","It let out a little wh(INE)" +"What does Mexican clock says","Tick-Taco" +"Three Years ago today I asked this beautiful girl out to dinner, and today I asked her to marry me","She said No both times" +"Why are French omelettes small. Because in France one egg is an oeuf","(My children are not laughing)" +"My uncle is quite proud of this one. My baby cousin had a pez dispenser that looked like Thor, and when he proclaimed, IT'S THOR","my uncle proudly retorted, If it's Thor you better put a bandaid on it" +"Did you hear that the Energizer Bunny was taken into custody","They say he was arrested for battery" +"If I had a nickel for every time I got paid fairly","I'd have four cents" +"Why did the smartphone need glasses","Because he lost all his contacts" +"Had possibly my finest dad joke ever today Yesterday I got my hair cut at a new place and they cut my hair much shorter than usual. My girlfriend told me yesterday that she didn't really like it too much. Then today, we were walking down the street and she said I think your haircut is starting to grow on me . I replied, only half a beat later, with thanks, its starting to grow on me too . I had to stare at her for like 1","5 seconds before she understood, at which point she groaned and rolled her eyes while I fist-pumped and celebrated my joke in the middle of the street" +"So my dad out-dadjoked me today. I was having dinner with my family when I remembered a joke from this sub. I thought, Hey, I could get a couple groans from this. Me: Why should you always arrive at the tennis court before it opens. Dad: Why. Me: First come, first serve. Everyone gave a slight chuckle after that. Dad: So if you're all alone, would it be self-service","I was so stunned by how clever he out-dadjoked me" +"My dad dropped this one on me the other day. My dad manages the stock in soft drink company's warehouse: It's really a shame that we spend all this time doing all this work","for it to just be pissed away" +"Dad jokes are the best and here's why","Why" +"When my son had his legs bitten off","He was wearing crocs" +"My boss just laid this one on me. Manager : Do you need to borrow my glasses","Boss : Sure, I don't want to make a spectacle of myself" +"I don't understand why people pick their noses. I was born with mine","" +"50 people swindled. A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, “Read all about it. Fifty people swindled. Fifty people swindled. ” Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, “There’s nothing in here about fifty people being swindled. ” The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, “Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled. ” [http://bestcleanfunnyjokes. com/50-people-swindled/](http://bestcleanfunnyjokes","com/50-people-swindled/)" +"My wife told me to cut the grass,. I replied,","I'm not really mowtivated" +"How do construction workers party","They raise the roof" +"What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire","Frostbite" +"Do you want to hear a joke about a rock","Never mind, I’ll just skip that one" +"What's a rubber gasket on an aircraft carrier called. [A Navy Seal. ](https://i. imgur. com/OeZR4bF. jpg) Credit to /u/Repulzz for [their post. ](https://www. reddit","com/r/funny/comments/95a4il/so_is_a_rubber_gasket_on_a_aircraft_carrier/) I wasn't sure on the crossposting rules, but I really thought this joke was r/dadjokes material" +"Never date a tennis player","Love means nothing to them" +"Dad joked my dad while eating carrots Hey dad did you hear they're paying me hourly to eat carrots now. They are. Well they're not giving me a celery","He seemed proud and I seem old now" +"Why did the chicken cross the playground","To get to the other slide" +"Now that I work for Energizer","I feel, soon I'll be in charge" +"I dated a one legged girl who worked at a brewery","She was in charge of the hops" +"This is so unfair. I was just expelled for plagiarism","I got in trouble for something I didn’t do" +"How do you catch a polar bear. Cut a big hole in the ice, and put peas around it","When the bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole" +"Did you hear about the super hero who can make noodles from thin air","Ra-man" +"I noticed the other day that you now have to pay to fill your tires with air at a gas station","I blame inflation" +"One large woodland creature that can’t feel pain, four large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain, three large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain, seven large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain","I know there is a joke here, but seems like a bunch of random numb bears to me" +"I just broke up with my blind girlfriend","She never saw it coming" +"What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car","Get in the car" +"Bought some liquor and cookies on the way to a party. Wife was holding everything while I drove and I said Let me know if I should pull over","If you can't hold your liquor, I'd rather you not toss your cookies in my car" +"A woman who didn't know how to drive got inside a car and start driving like crazy. While driving she hit a policeman. She thought for a second then decided to call 911. Is this 911. Yes","Well, you're down to 910 now" +"How do you know how heavy a chilli pepper is","Give it a weigh, Give it a weigh, Give it a weigh, Give it a weigh now" +"Got talking to a very cool old man. After finding out he was from England, a World War Two vet and has spent the last thirty two years in the states I had to ask. Me: so what brought you to the states","Him: An airplane" +"How often do I think about spices","From thyme to thyme" +"I DON'T GIVE AN F","Said the considerate teacher" +"know why Humpty Dumpty don't do Black Friday","He broke" +"Mayan: Hey wanna drink","Other Mayan: I'm working on this calendar, but I guess if I don't finish it won't be the end of the world" +"I finally found a date for. Valentine’s. Day","February 14" +"I tried to get insurance for my camp site, but the company refused","They said, “If your tent gets destroyed, you won’t be covered" +"Hey Son, what do you call a chicken staring at lettuce","Chicken sees a salad" +"I bought a dog from a Blacksmith the other day","I only had him 3 hours and he made a bolt for the door" +"What do you call a dead flamingo","A flaminghost" +"Guys I made a new word","I'm calling it plagiarism" +"I hear corny people are the best listeners","They’re all ears" +"What do you get when you put a vest on an alligator","An investigator" +"I went to the air and space museum yesterday","There was nothing there" +"I found a recently published book by my favorite author, he’s been dead for years","I have a feeling it was ghost written" +"What swims in the sea,carries a machine gun,and makes you an offer you can't refuse","The Codfather" +"Two cats swam across the English channel. One cat was named One Two Three , the other Un Deux Trois","The One Two Three cat made it, but the Un Deux Trois cat sank" +"I told my dad about a friend's child named Nicholas He said you should have seen him in a crib. I asked why","he said you don't see Nicholas Caged everyday" +"My pregnant wife hobbled into the hospital with one hand on her back. A nurse asked her what's wrong, and my wife screamed, Shouldn't. Wouldn't. Didn't. The nurse shook her head and said, I'm sorry…I don't understand. My wife's face contorted in pain as she shouted, Can't. Won't. Don't. The nurse, bewildered, turned the doctor. Admit her, the doctor said","She's having contractions" +"You can be as kind as you want","but German kids are always Kinder" +"What do you call an 3,14 foot long snake","A πthon" +"Dad : Did you hear about the kidnapping at school . Son : No, what happened . Dad : It is ok he woke up. Edit: Thank you the upvotes guys. TIL that the only requirement for a dad joke is that it elicits not a laugh from its audience but the annoyed response: Daaaaaaaad . Hope you enjoyed","" +"A man runs into a hospital in a frenzy yelling I'm shrinking. I'm shrinking","A nurse approaches him and says Sir, you're just going to have to be a little patient" +"As we were pulling out of our driveway and I was adjusting the mirrors, I said to my wife, It's important to remember, there's side view, rear view and you know what else","I loview" +"Many people don't know young Pythagoras was a real hipster","They're always going on about his square roots" +"What Did the Vegetables say when they were kicked out of the garden","it's fine then Lettuce Leaf" +"You know what","Not personally" +"My idiot friend ate a bunch of confetti on a dare","Later he turned out to be a party pooper" +"Watermelon Friend: I've been having lots of dehydrated fruits lately. Did you know they make dehydrated watermelons. Me: Does that mean it becomes just melons","Friend: -" +"Hostess: Do you have a preference of where you'd like to sit","Dad: Down" +"If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed","That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning" +"While my friend was telling me how his girlfriend just dumped him. *After a rather silly joke to lighten the mood* Him: Dude, you're testing my patience. Me: But [*his name*], how can I be testing your patience if I'm not a doctor","Him: Please stop" +"I could never date a single mum","Because then they wouldn't be single" +"What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah’s Witness","Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason" +"Every machine in the coin factory broke down all of a sudden without explanation","It just doesn't make any cents" +"Wanna know what happens at the end of End Game","The credits" +"Where do one-legged waitresses work","IHOP" +"Dadjoked while moving in Helping my dad move in. One room had nothing in it yet, and was completely empty besides a nightstand and a painting of two bears dancing in a forest. My dad walks in: Wow, this room is too bare . Me: *stares* Dad: Two","Bear" +"A guitarist once told me he would beat me with the neck of his guitar. “Is that a fret","” I replied" +"How do you make a bandstand","take away their chairs" +"How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile","When you say bye, one will say see you later, the other will say in a while" +"I wholeheartedly support all scientific effort in creating a functional invisibility cloak","I just want to make myself clear" +"What do you call a cow with no legs. Ground Beef","This was one of the last jokes I heard from my grandfather before he passed" +"What is the proper way to address a hippie's wife","Mississippi" +"I decided to stop calling the bathroom the John, now I call it the Jim instead","It just sounds better saying I went to the Jim all morning" +"How do you tie up an alien","With an astroknot" +"Talking about going to the bathroom, with a friend Him Going to take a shit usually leaves me feeling good, like an acomplishment Me really","It usually leaves me feeling empty inside" +"An upcoming Racer is hesitating on his new career","so he yanked out his side mirrors because he didn't want to look back" +"What sort of money do need if you want to start your own landscaping business","A hedge fund" +"I one-upped my dad in a dadjoke-off. We ordered Chinese food last night, and my dad and I love spare ribs. My dad pulls out the bag with the ribs and plops it on the table, it makes a Thunk sound and I jumped Wow. There are a lot in there. I said. My dad smirks and says Ribs. I bet we got a whole chest. He began to snicker a little at his own comment. What do you mean a chest. They are clearly in a bag. I answered","The look of pride and anger in his eyes was one I will never forget" +"My girlfriend and I haven't gone to the gym in over a year","Our relationship isn't working out" +"My tongue was cut off for betraying my king","But do you hear me complaining about it?" +"A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend (X-post from r/jokes by u/Siethronx2) At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them. Dad. she exclaimed in a panic . I'm sorry The dad being a dad replies hi sorry, I'm Dad","He then turns to the boyfriend and asks Are you fucking sorry" +"How do the oceans communicate with each other","They wave" +"I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing 'I'm A Believer'","Then I saw her face" +"Why did the russian spy hate the FBI agent","He kept bugging him" +"Discussing what women hate. Me: What do you think women hate. Friend: Hmm. All women hate the word Moist","Me: Are you sure it's all women and not moist women" +"My high jump bar broke months ago, and I’m still upset","I just… can’t get over it" +"Waiting for my daughter to finish shopping when I realized. The tides have turned. http://m. imgur","com/zAimxvG" +"My sisters having some pregnancy complications, unsure if it's going to be a natural delivery or a c section. My dad dropped this one","When are they planning, to call in that order for delivery or is it going to be takeout" +"Did you hear about the vampire with a doctorate His name was Dr","Acula" +"I've written a poem about the sounds made by dogs. It can only be read if you scan it first","It's a bark ode" +"Apparently you can now place an order with your local bakery and have it delivered to you via drone","Sounds like pie in the sky to me" +"How much does a pirate pay to have his ears pierced","About a buccaneer" +"I was talking to a. Russian guy but he wouldn't tell me his name. I was","Igor to find out" +"We were eating tacos. [SFW] Mom: what's your favorite sauce. Me: I like fire sauce. Dad: I like the green sauce. Me: Really. The green sauce. Why. Dad: Because it's. Verde verde good. Me: god dammit Mom: Hahahahaha. That was a good one. Dad: Hey. No cussing. Now do the dishes. I'm 23","I did the dishes" +"What do you call a guy who always arrives on time Justin time","(Got it from that tracer voiceline)" +"When your ice cream cone misbehaves","Sometimes you just have to give it a good lickin'" +"A termite walked into a bar","and asked: Is the bar tender here" +"[Fried. Chicken. Franchise] is moving to only serve wings from one side","It’s a vast right wing conspiracy" +"I’m not sure why my friend quit his perfume making business and started hoarding old paintings","He’s got more Monet than scents" +"Why does Donald Trump take Xanex. # Why does Donald Trump take Xanex","For hispanic attacks" +"When my friend was complaining to me about her high school homework assignment Friend: Ugh. I have so much homework tonight. And the worst part is that it's all in English","Me: Thank goodness, because I was worried it would all be in Chinese, and then you couldn't do it" +"I was arguing with a flat earther the other day","He called me a consphereacy theorist" +"No matter how nice you are,","German children will always be kinder." +"Shit all of my word files disappeared. who let the","docx out" +"Apparently my daughter is an honorary dad I looked at my wife earlier and said, I don't know about you, but I'm hungry","My four year old daughter replied, Nice to meet you, Hungry" +"Being a writer is enjoyable","But the job of editor is more rewording" +"I think I hear a flock of ducks. I work at a gas station. A dad and his three year old came in. As I'm ringing him out he's talking to his son; I think I hear a flock of ducks. **'Where dad. '** *dad farts loudly* There. Did you hear it. **'That was you dad","'**" +"what is the dumbest animal in the jungle","the polar bear" +"My son asked me what superpower. I wanted. I guess","Russia wasn't the answer" +"I got the waitress last night After ordering a drink (in an attempt to not feel awkward about asking a 30-something for an ID). &nbsp; waitress: Sorry, but can I see your ID. I'm a big ID person. me: I've only got a regular-sized ID. Will that work. &nbsp; Then my wife groaned and said, you're going to post that on the internet, aren't you","Yes, yes I am" +"What's the Abominable Snowman's favorite tea","Ye-Tea" +"What’s a bank robbers favorite restaurant chain","In&Out" +"How much does Liam cost","A ham's worth" +"Why do Borg spaceships only have capacitors and transistors in their electrical systems","Resistance is futile" +"What kind of dogs do programmers have","Computer Labs" +"My friend has a problem of taking selfies in the hot shower","You could say he has selfie steam issues." +"My dad asks, What do you call twins","Womb-mates" +"Last night I dreamt I was a car","I woke up exhausted" +"What do you get when a giant orange crushes a synagogue","Orange Jews" +"How do you stop a bull from charging","Take away its credit card" +"Dad joking my bandmates","I always bring a can of tuna to my band practices because anytime someone in my band asks for a tuner, I take the can out and say This is what you asked for, right" +"Thanks for explaining the word “MANY” to me","It means a lot" +"My coach always criticized me for not sweating enough during practice. I'm not much of a sweater","I'm more of a corduroy jacket" +"My daughter told me she was gay last night","I said I will always love and support her, but I don't know why she would change her name to something like that" +"What do you call it when Trump gets the majority of delegates and still loses the nomination from a contested convention","Unpresidented" +"Why do we tell actors to break a leg","Because every show has a cast" +"“Hey Watson, is that mud on your boots","” “No, shit, Sherlock" +"What do you call lazy kangaroo children","Pouch potatoes" +"What's red and smells like green paint","Red paint" +"It was the first day of school and a kid almost went to the hospital I'm a pre-k teacher, and when I was hanging around during my break at the first grade recess, one of them tripped over a ball a few feet away, and saw me watching her. She said, I'm okay. with a proud voice. I walked over slowly, asked her if she needs to go to the hospital. She responded no. I walked her over to the teachers on duty, and told them that she needed to go to the hospital. She kept saying that she didn't. I told them that she needs to go because she forgot her name. She thinks her name is okay","She stared at me and shook her head while the teachers laughed" +"I asked my girlfriend's grandpa how he's feeling *stretches out his arm *puzzled. I grab it. *he pulls it back Now you know how I feel Eyes roll to the back of my head. He had a million of them","Only wish I wrote them all down" +"Husband is a new dad, and definitely has a new dad sense of humor. We were walking around some vendors with friends at a fair, when they started looking at tutus for their 3 year old daughter. My husband walks right into the shop and asks the proprietor (in a rather loud voice), I see you have tutus, do you have any oneones or threethrees in stock. and then stood there proudly. Many groans were had. (Except by one of the girls, who went into the back to check. I think she was just special",")" +"What's white, furry and shaped like a tooth","A molar bear" +"What do you call a fake noodle","an Impasta" +"Got my husband with a joke I thought for sure he's heard before. He was talking about how he would love to have a pirate wife. I said, Pirate wives can't finish the alphabet. They get stuck at C. He laughed and told me to get out. I asked him, You've never heard that one before. Are you C-rious","I think he is going to file for divorce now" +"Why did 10 die","Because he was in the middle of 9/11" +"A friend a I were at the movies. *Movie Finishes* Friend: Just Beautiful","Me: Thanks, but what about the movie" +"As we were driving down the road, Sweet Caroline came on the radio. I said to my son, Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal","Until the pressure got to him" +"Is it okay to say President Obama's middle name","Depends on Hussein it" +"Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested","It was charged with battery" +"I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get “saved” or you'll “burn”. I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get “saved” or you'll “burn”. Stupid","Firemen" +"A woman tried to tie a watch around her stomach","It was a waist of time" +"What do you call it when you move a rabbit from one spot to another","A hare transplant" +"I was at a baseball game singing the National Anthem, when a friend leaned over and asked, What are ramparts. I told him oh you know. horns","hooves" +"Last night a thief broke into the shoe factory","He was the sole perpetrator" +"There are three people on a boat, all smokers. They have a total of four cigarettes, but no matches. How do they manage to smoke","They throw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter" +"What's Shakespear's favorite Pokemon","Kinglear" +"I don't like going to. Home. Depot","The studfinders won't leave me alone" +"What do you call a whore who is also a vegan","A Herbi-whore" +"Have you heard of the new restaurant on the moon. Its horrible","No atmosphere" +"My boy bounded down the stairs this morning, screaming, I'm finally ten. I'm finally ten. He jumped in my awaiting arms and giddily gazed up at me. I lovingly looked in to his eyes and said, Hi finally ten","I'm dad" +"What's the difference between a Frog and Horny toad","A frog says, ‘Ribbit, ribbit’ and a horny toad says, ‘Rub it, rub it" +"Wife dropped this one on me tonight So we made dinner and were settling in to watch a rousing episode of House when I couldn't find the remote so I asked her if she'd seen it. She responded with No, it must be in some remote location","I almost groaned but instead said That's going on reddit :)" +"Where are the pens. I can't seem to find them anywhere. In the stationary box. I don't know where that is, but it can be be hard to find if it isn't moving So said my boss at work","I've been out done" +"Today, my son asked Can i have a book mark","And i burst into tears 11 years old and he still doesnt know my name is Brian" +"A man goes to see his father at his parents house They both sit and start chatting Son : how was your doctors appointment. Dad: good. the doctor gave me different medication for my memory loss Son : oh really . What are the name of the pills. Dad : ( struggling to remember ) oohh. uhhh. something to do with flowers but I can’t remember Son: tulips . Dad: no , they’re very popular and everyone loves them . Son : daisies. Dad : no. They are bright red and romantic Son : rose . Dad: YES","He loudly yells ROSE, WHAT ARE THE PILLS CALLED THAT THE DOCTOR GAVE ME" +"I asked my Dad if he got shot in the Army. I asked my Dad if he got shot in the Army","He said no, he got shot in the leggy" +"I'm thinking about starting a publication for bookworms who enjoy jokes about food coloring. I'll call it. Readers. Dye","Jest" +"What do you do when you see a spaceman, you park in it man",":)" +"I was on a plane and my wife said get an upgrade get an upgrade. Took me a while but","I got a better wife" +"Why was Hitler hit with a baseball","Because he did nazi it coming" +"A friend of mine claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his pet dog will retrieve it","I think that's a bit far fetched" +"When does a joke become a Dad joke. When the punchline becomes apparent","😉" +"In my entire life, I've never left Oregon","I've never been to Oregon either, but I've also never left it" +"Did you know that Art Garfunkel is short for Arthur Garfunkel","And Paul Simon is short for a man" +"Why are classical musicians so good at finding deals","Because they never pay the Liszt price" +"I always keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge","Just in case anyone wants a black coffee" +"I saw a van full of tortoises had crashed on the highway today","It was a turtle disaster" +"I heard Kim Jong Un's father died","I didn't even know he was il" +"Two men walk into a bar","The third ducked" +"I mistakenly answer Ai instead of Al as the symbol for aluminum","foiled again" +"Homeopathy My son, John, was reading about homeopathy and water memory . - Dad, does it work with frozen water too","- No John, snow knows nothing" +"My wife always says the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach… Lovely woman","Useless surgeon" +"If dad jokes could kill,","Every one of you would be charged with first degree mans-laughter." +"Are you saying I don't have a waist. - I just dadjoked my sister What do you mean you dont have a waist. Every human has a waist","In your case, it's a *waist of space" +"Did you hear that they are not making telephone poles any longer","Yep, and they are not makeing them any shorter either" +"Did you hear about the microphone checker that got really drunk","He had one two one two one two many" +"I don’t like fall","It’s really a step down from summer" +"Which vitamin makes your vision better","Vitamin C" +"The grocery store is a dadjoke minefield Me: Dad, what is distilled water. Like what does that actually mean. Dad: Well","it's the opposite of da-moving water" +"Why do plug sockets look so scared. Because they're [shocked](https://c1. staticflickr. com/1/53/119929591_a0ec3a641d","jpg)" +"Girlfriend got me this morning We were almost out of cereal and she had 2 boxes that were low for some reason, so we had to combine them. Me: it's going to be mostly crumbs. Her: yeah, mine was pretty crumby this morning","She's learning" +"What be a pirate's favorite letter. Ahh, you'd think it'd be R, but a pirate's first love be the C","🌊🌊🌊" +"Pi r-squared No, cornbread are square","Pie are round" +"What do you call an alligator that appears from now where to escalate situations","An insta-gator" +"How do trains hear","With their engineers" +"I saw an onion ring. So","I answered it." +"Have I told you the one about the pencil","Forget it, it’s pointless" +"Two toilets have been stolen from the local cop shop","The police have nothing to go on" +"Son: I'd love to go to Europe sometime. Dad: You go all the time when you play baseball","UUUUUURRRRRR UUUPPP" +"So, 3 nuns die in a car crash and end up before the gates of St Peter. St Peter says to the nuns Given you are nuns and have devoted your life to good works you only need to answer a single question each to enter Heaven. He looks to the first nun and asks where did the first woman live. The first nun quickly replied the garden of Eden . St Peter nods approval and looks to the second nun what was the name of the first woman. The second nun pauses for a second and then replies Eve. Well done. Says St Peter before turning to the third nun and saying As the Mother Superior you should be able to answer this; what did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him. The Mother Superior furrows her brow and says oh, that's a hard one . Correct. Says St Peter","You may enter" +"How are dog catchers paid","By the pound" +"I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless","I was like 0mg" +"What do you call a sad cup of coffee","Depresso" +"Thanks to my. Spanish speaking friend for teaching me “el mundo”","It means the world to me" +"Who you gonna call a rapper that solves paranormal mysteries","Ghostbusta Rhymes" +"Why do dads only cook with dirty dishes","Because a washed pot never boils" +"What's ET short for","Because he's only got tiny legs" +"My girlfriend's dad when asked about a wedding GF: So, how was the reception. GF's Dad: Terrible, my calls kept dropping","GF: *groan*" +"My dad once told me","That to get people to listen to what I have to say, I should start with, My dad once told me" +"In a convo with a random person on the internet. Her: I am stuck in bed with a bum ankle. Me: That's disgusting. What happened to the rest of the bum","" +"What's the difference between a king's son, a monkey's mother, a bald head, and an orphan. One is an heir apparent, one is a hairy parent, one has no hair apparent, and the last has nary a parent. Sorry if you've heard it before","My dad told this one a lot" +"Why couldn’t the bicycle stand on its own","Because it was two tired" +"What do you call a Piano that is laughing","A Yamahahaha" +"I committed all seven deadly sins at once. I ate snacks when I wasn't hungry, got angry at the fly that was bothering me and killed it, was attracted to the woman on the bag, saw that someone had a better tasting snack, wanted more when I was done eating, sat in a chair the entire time, and was proud that I could finish a snack I didn't like that much","Fortunately I'm a theist" +"Girlfriend just got me with this one Me (talking about mowing the lawn): Alright I'm gonna tackle the lawn soon","GF: I really don't think tackling it is going to cut it" +"What kind of paper makes the best airplane","A flyer" +"How man tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh","Ten tickles" +"Do you know why the Easter Bunny hides his eggs","He doesn’t want anyone to know he’s been messing around with chickens" +"Why do teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups","Because they can't even" +"Somebody broke into my house and stole my Oxford English Dictionary","I’m lost for words" +"My professor just dropped this on us waiting for a program to load Two antennae got married. The ceremony was good, but the reception was terrible","This joke really resonated with me so I thought I'd share it here" +"Do horses eat chicken. Daughter: Do horses eat chicken. Dad: No. Daughter: How do you know. Dad: I asked a horse about that once","It said Neigh" +"My 8 y. son just discovered Yo Mama jokes","Here’s the first one he told me: Your Mama’s so fat Donald Trump’s gonna use her for his border wall" +"I ordered about 2000 lbs of delicious. Chinese soup","It was wonton" +"What disease do exotic dancers get","Strip throat" +"Why was the boxer a bad comedian","He couldn't deliver a punchline" +"I heard about a new dating site (US only) made specifically for people who work with their hands. Its called. Craft. American","Singles" +"What do you call a guy with no body and no nose","Nobody knows" +"A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops","On my desk, I have a work station" +"The vet gets a prom date My friend works in a veterinarian hospital owned by his family and helps out a lot. Recently, he was neutering this girls cat when there were some complications and the cat almost died. It's fine now, just to be clear","My friend ended up asking the girl to prom and my dad said, Well, at least you're still slaying pussy" +"I've been a limo driver for 25 years and haven’t had a single customer","All that time and nothing to chauffeur it" +"I disapprove of symphony orchestras","Too much sax and violins" +"I sent a picture of my lunch to Dad. [This was the following conversation](https://imgur","com/EZUfm5c)" +"Why do bees stay in their beehive in winter","Swarm" +"I just started buying stock from the market I have beef chicken,and vegetable","one day I hope to be a bouillonaire" +"I have a few jokes about unemployed people","but unfortunately none of them work" +"Went to the grocery store and some man threw butter and milk at me","How dairy" +"My dad was a policeman of few words. When he guarded an ancient Egyptian Christian burial chamber he was","A cryptic cop in a Coptic crypt" +"I make art out of condiments","My latest work is a mustardpiece" +"I accidentally used too much of my wife’s moisturizer while getting ready for work","Now I might have to call in slick" +"What stops hair from falling","The ground" +"All the toilets were stolen from the Police Station last night","They have nothing to go on" +"Did you hear about the bed bugs who fell in love","They're getting married in the spring" +"In ancient Egypt, taxi drivers are mummified when they die","It’s called taxidermy" +"Australians don't have Nescafé","They just have coffee mate" +"Did you ever hear of the horrific cow massacre of 1999","It was an udder disaster" +"Totally dad joked my co-worker Me: Hey, have you seen the snew outside. Him: You mean the snow. Me: No, the snew Him: What's snew","Me: Not much, what's new with you" +"Dad Joke Generator, Hilarious. [http://dadjokes. club/](http://dadjokes","club/)" +"The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together","It was toucan fusing" +"So my kid started dating spiderman","they met on a web site" +"I feel sorry for the blind prostitute","She never saw me coming" +"California has the highest number of men who feel depressed because of their wives cheating on them","It's a sad state of affairs" +"I heard it's very difficult to do inventory in Afghanistan","Because of the tally ban" +"Some Dad jokes, for your consideration https://www. popsugar. com","au/tech/Best-Dad-Jokes-All-Time-43327560" +"Every time we go to a restaurant. Server- My name is (Name), if you need anything","Dad- What's your name if we don't need anything" +"The girlfriend with a religious identity crisis declares If that exists, I'm a Christian rebel","So you're a Protestant" +"I finally did it. I told my wife I had secretly married someone else","That was bigamy" +"Cannibalism. -this morning- Me: Can you make me a sandwich","Dad: I don't think they make bread big enough Classic Dad" +"Nooses are so unreliable","They always leave you hanging" +"There's a party in the garden,. So. Lettuce. Turnip the","Beet" +"What's the similarity between someone who's firing at the navy and someone who's jacking off","They're both shooting seamen" +"What lights up a soccer field","A soccer match ;)" +"I like to eat frog legs with a beer","It makes my beer extra hoppy" +"What do a Rubik's Cube and a penis have in common","The more you play with it, the harder it gets" +"How is a dominatrix like Hank Hill","They're both into pro pain and pro pain accessories" +"Why didn't Gordon Ramsey upvote the picture of the lamb Steak","Because it was /r/awww" +"If you rearrange the letters of POSTMAN","They get VERY ANGRY" +"Elon is one of us. https://twitter","com/elonmusk/status/832084402473627650" +"How did the hipster burn his mouth","He sipped his coffee before it was cool" +"I once knew how to make a 300 foot long Japanese omelette, but I don't anymore","That was a long tamago" +"How do you give an ice cube an identity crisis","Drop it like its hot" +"I recently had a vasectomy","Now I've got nowhere to keep my flowers" +"I encountered a dad joke merely minutes into my day. My mom was waking me up so. I asked her what time it was and she said it was about high noon, then from across the house. I heard my dad call out Hello","Noon!" +"How far can you run through the woods","Half way, then you start coming out" +"A ham sandwich walks into a bar. and orders a beer","The bartender promptly says, We don't serve food here" +"The conversation that almost got me kicked off the boat I was on a very nice boat party with my friend, his father and a group of their high class friends. We were in lake Pontchartrain in New Orleans, and one of the elitist sailors was trying to determine if I was seaworthy and see if I even knew where I was. I said Sure thing , started pointing left over there is the port of New Orleans , now pointing to the right and over here is the starboard of New Orleans . My friend's dad heard the joke, and while laughing a bit he told me One more bad joke and I'm kicking you off . To which I replied, You're right, I should have let the opportunity sail away","" +"Why did the can crusher quit its job","Because it was soda-pressing" +"Wife: Why are teapots so expensive","Me: BECAUSE THEY MAKE YOU POUR" +"My grandfather used to wake up very early every morning to go sailing","When I asked him why so early, he replied with the schooner, the better" +"dadjoked my mom, didn't realize what i said till she started laughing me: why have we been eating casserole so much recently. mom: because it's winter. and winter is casserole weather","me: I thought it was chili weather" +"[At the museum] Her: Do you think we’re allowed to take pictures. Me: No","I think they need to stay on the wall" +"Why didn’t the Asian guy get a high five","Because Logan Paul left him hanging" +"I was accused of stealing a subwoofer","It was a bassless accusation" +"Did you hear about the Belgian Cheese factory that burned down","All that was left was debris" +"What was tigger doing in the bathroom","Looking for pooh" +"Did you know diarrhoea is hereditary","It runs in your genes" +"When's the best time to play tennis","Ten is" +"You know, at first I didnt like getting facial hair","But it's really growing on me" +"Went to the zoo with my dad and he kept making fun of the hippo exhibit","I wish he wouldn’t be so hippo-critical" +"Why couldn’t the kid see the pirate movie","It was rated arrr" +"When I become a lawyer, I want to defend a penguin. Just so I can say, Your honour","My client clearly isn't a flight risk" +"As an Aboriginal Musical Instrument maker, I once produced a Didgeridoo that was a mile long","I never heard the end of it" +"People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain","Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision" +"I hope they add some different color to the. Next. X-Men. Movie. Because the. Days of. Fuschia","Past." +"Dad-joked while writing an essay Dad: What class are you writing that essay for. Me: Classical Mythology Dad: Well you should just put a classic picture on your paper and if your prof asks why just say a picture is worth 1000 words","(He had definitely planned this one)" +"Roses are red,. Violets are red,. Tulips are red,","The garden is on fire..." +"Why did the mathematician get stoned on 1/5","He simplified from 4/20" +"No one believed me when I pretended to be French in a WW2 subreddit","Finally I gave up" +"Dad got us pretty good at dinner. My mom's a teacher, her class is reading *The Hobbit* soon. My dad said, I can't stop reading that book","It's a bad hobbit" +"Attention readers of dadjokes: This is NOT a drill [Seriously, it's not. ](https://www. ifixit","com/Store/Tools/Phillips-2-Screwdriver/IF145-032)" +"Why did the pirate take the small schooner","He was worried about miles per galleon" +"Dad dropped this one on us the other morning http://imgur","com/a/AwCsz" +"My grandpa got my grandma We had just finished dinner and were sitting around the table. My grandma well. and starts to get up. My grandpa chimes in with That's a hole in the ground that you get water from","Took us both a second to get" +"What’s the difference between swine flu and bird flu","You can treat swine flu with oinkment, but bird flu requires tweetment" +"I have some unemployment jokes to share with you","but none of them work" +"Don't trust atoms","They make up everything" +"I went into work early today and switched as many of the m and n keys as I could’ve","Some might call me a monster, others a nomster" +"Al Gore should start a math rock band","He could call it Al Gore Rhythms" +"What rhymes with orange","No it doesn't" +"My dog used to chase people on a bike around a lot","It got so bad I had to take his bike away" +"My dad told me this one when I was a young. Dad: *Hey son, ya know why they put fences around the graveyard. * Me: *No, why","* Dad: *People are dying to get in" +"In the Microsoft Office I *OneDrive* to it every morning","I enjoy the great *Outlook* over the city there" +"Last night. I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas,","I’ll never know." +"A copy asks a miner: whose car is this. Where are you headed. What do you do","the miner responds mine" +"I don’t trust tectonic plates","They’re too shifty" +"I saw a hipster doing a 5K while vaping at the same time","In the end, he was running on fumes" +"Dad got the waitress. The waitress said to my dad at dinner after he ordered his meal What 2 sides do you want","My dad came back with Left and right" +"My girlfriend's son was telling me about finding a dead mole near the dam he and his Mom were exploring earlier in the day. To which I replied: Hmph. Somebody must have whacked it","Girlfriend rolled her eyes so hard she must have seen her brain" +"You know the difference between in-laws and outlaws","Outlaws are wanted" +"Have you heard the joke about paper","Good that you haven't, it's tearable" +"I would do a chemistry joke","But all the good ones Argon" +"My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to","In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins" +"What happens when you have a bladder infection","Urine trouble" +"Whats red and smells like blue paint","Red paint" +"My friend works as a sound guy on movies","He says business is really booming" +"When I was a single man, I had lots of free time","Then I started listening to whole albums, and I don’t have time for my other hobbies" +"A red ship and a blue ship crashed","The survivors were left marooned" +"Told my dad that. I wanted to study abroad in. Japan","He asked me which one" +"One of my favorite dinosaurs is the. Thesaurus","And ones similar to it" +"What did Mona Lisa say after she was accused of not smiling for her portrait","“I was framed" +"My wife yelled at me, Life's just one big joke to you, isn't it. I calmly replied, I don't know what you mean, honey. Sit down and let's talk about it","That's when I pulled her chair away" +"Anyone know how to make an iPhone float","Whenever I plug it into my computer it starts syncing" +"I bought soup to heat up for dinner. Wife: Can you man the soup while I make the grilled cheese","Me yelling at the soup cans: BE A MAN" +"What do you get when you combine an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic","Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog" +"Today I came home to find this sitting on the hutch. http://m. imgur","com/xdWPjPx Thanks dad" +"Everything was fine before the geese left","Then things started to go south" +"I work at a hardware store with a saw. The manager says, “lumber is going to hate me. I fixed the saw last night. ” Queue me enthusiastically from my desk, “so what you’re saying is, you saw’ved all their problems","” They hate my humor" +"The internet connection in my farm was really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn","Now I have stable wifi" +"Why does Waldo only wear stripes","Because he doesn't want to be spotted" +"So my son stubbed his toe and yelled out. MOTHERF*CKER","Me: You called" +"I rear ended a car with a Jesus bumper sticker on it","I stopped in the Name of the Lord" +"What do you call an Asian banker with no friends","Loan Lee" +"I was thinking of telling you my best pizza joke","But it's way too cheesy" +"I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together","Riveting" +"Son - “What is a palindrome. ” Dad - “Incorrect","Racecar is a palindrome" +"Which president has the most laundry to deal with","Washington" +"The Laughing Hoagie Two high school students named Steve and Josh found themselves broke on a saturday afternoon while strolling around in the city mall. They hadn't eaten lunch and they were getting hungry, but alas, they had no money for food and they were hours away from home. I heard there's a place downtown where you can get a sandwich for free Steve said to Josh. That sounds great, let's check it out Josh replied, and they headed downtown. They soon found the place. It was a small shop, too small to feel like a real business. The place had no tables or chairs, and not really much furniture at all. An old man stood behind a small counter and eyed them as they entered. Welcome to the Laughing Hoagie he said. What is a laughing hoagie. Josh wondered. It's the name of this sandwich place. This is not a regular sandwich shop. We have a special offer here for people who can't afford to pay for their food. the man said as he smiled a toothy smile at them. So it's true then, Josh blurted out, we can get free food here. Not so fast. The old man said. There is a condition. What is it. Steve wondered aloud. Well, the man started you have to listen to one of my jokes, and the one of you who laughs the most genuine laugh gets a free sandwhich. The other one gets nothing. As he said this, the old man opened a small refrigerator that stood behind the counter and produced a large, footlong sandwhich with ham, cheese, bacon, lettuce and tomatoes. It was covered in a white dressing and gave off a faint peppery aroma. The boys' mouths started watering at the sight of it. What. So only one of us gets a sandwhich. Steve asked, taken aback. Those are the rules, the old man grinned, if you don't like it, you may leave. Nah, we'll hear the joke. Josh said. Steve looked at him, and then nodded to the old man. All right. the old man rubbed his hands together as if preparing to dig into a strenuous task. What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college. he asked, and looked expectantly at the teens. They both stared at him with blank expressions. Bye Son. he exclaimed, and struggled not to burst out giggling at his own quip. Josh chuckled a bit, but Steve just frowned. That was the worst joke I ever heard. he exclaimed","Well, the old man said as he handed the sandwich over to Josh, if you don't like jokes with really bad punchlines, then this sub is not for you" +"What animal hates rollecoasters","The Anti-loope" +"Tomatoes. Some say, TaMayTo . Some say, TaMahTo . However, I'm at peace with my","TomaTao" +"Yesterday my dad texted me. > Your mom and I went grocery shopping together and she asked me what I bought the big giant tub of Vaseline for","I said about a dollar 49" +"I was going to become a fortuneteller","But I didn't see a future in it" +"Texting my friend Me: What's up","Her: lying in bed wbu Me: Telling the truth in bed She wasn't amused" +"What do you call a sad dog","A melancollie" +"What do you call a dubstep album","Dubstairs" +"Was also dad joked by my mom. I was talking to my mom about absinthe scented lotion and I asked her, Do you know what absinthe is. And she replied with When you miss a day of school","It was perfect" +"What do you call a 3. 14 meter snake","A pithon" +"What's the difference between Asians and Caucasians","One has more cauc" +"Which of King Arthur's Knights built the round table","Sir Cumference" +"What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court","Anette" +"What did the fried rice say to the shrimp","Dont wok away from me" +"What did the triceratops tow with his tow truck","Tyrannosaurus Wrecks" +"I keep imagining I’m holding an invisible pack of cards","No one knows what I’m dealing with" +"Last year, my friend told me he’s quitting his job to pursue a miming career","I haven’t heard from him since" +"To whoever stole my thesaurus. you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you","You're a bad person" +"Not a dad joke, but what's up with r/PunPatrol in here. This is a safe place for puns. Leave the dad jokes alone","Or so help me God, you will be **pun**ished" +"Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool","I lost the Rock’s paper scissors" +"Last night was rough. I dreamed I was a muffler","I woke up exhausted" +"Do you wanna know why I like mushrooms so much","Because they’re fun guys" +"My Dad went out with a couple of guys called Barry Allen the other night","He said it turned into a flash mob" +"I need a bar built in my garden, I told my friend in the pub. But I don't know who to ask. Well, he replied, I'll do it if you pay me £400","So I gave him £400, and he said, Right, I'll start asking around" +"What were you eating under there. Victim: Under where","Dad: Gross" +"My daughter turned the tables on me. She told me she made some brownies. Then she gave me [this](https://i. redd. it/hamizr8kccby","jpg)" +"My son’s kindergarten teacher was arrested for heroin possession","In hindsight, the small pupils were a dead giveaway" +"The robbers took everything from my house, but. I’m most upset they took my mirror","I can’t see myself without it!" +"Did you hear what the Mexican firefighter named his twin boys","José and Hose B" +"Dad: Hey son, do you want a burger. Me: Sure, what type. Dad: A bison burger","*leaves and never comes back*" +"How do you make cheese even better","You use a cheese grater" +"I'm going to name my next dog Peeve","That way I can introduce him as my pet, Peeve" +"I recently took a job writing jingles for a sewing machine company","I’m a Singer songwriter" +"I over heard this dad joke at work this this morning. Child: Could you take my car in to get the tires rotated","Dad: Don't they rotate when you drive" +"I used to think. I was indecisive. But now","I'm not so sure." +"Did I ever tell you about the summer I spent circumcising elephants for the circus","The pay wasn’t much but the tips were enormous" +"What do you get when you throw a hand grenade in a French kitchen","Linoleum Blownapart" +"To the person who stole my weight loss pills","You'll have nothing to gain" +"How did the fat duck die","It had a heartaquack" +"What do you call a slightly cool vegetable","rad-ish" +"How do you know if your a pirate","You just arrghhhh" +"I got gas for $1. 19 today","Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell" +"Did you hear about the two monkeys that share an Amazon account","They’re prime-mates" +"Why do cows have bells","Because their horns don't work" +"When is your door not actually a door","When it’s actually ajar" +"I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldn’t get my gun to fire","Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual" +"What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut","A barbecue" +"Kramer died when a billboard fell on top of him","He was sign-felled" +"Measuring Shoes My girlfriend and I were discussing why Korean shoe sizes are such large numbers (I wear a 257 in Korea). Me: I wonder what they use to measure to get that number. Her: They use feet","-_-" +"Aslan, where are you going with that brief case, and why are you wearing a tie","Narnia business" +"Today a man was pushed into a pool by 2 children who disagreed with him","He's now in stable condition, but is presumed Dad" +"What happened after the invention of the wheel","A revolution" +"I dared to ask my wife why she’s buying a giant tub of whiteout","Big mistake" +"There was a Mexican magician. He said he was gonna disappear at the count of 3. He goes “uno, dos. poof","” He disappeared without a tres" +"Suppose I made a quick decision to see the doctor about some itchy, dry skin","would that be a rash decision" +"The student has become the master. From @JusticeWillett's twitter feed: Daddy, of all the princesses, Snow White would be the best judge. Why. She's the fairest of them all. *the student has become the master* https://twitter","com/justicewillett/status/842183581254459393" +"Aaron Rodgers played with an injured calf on Sunday (X-Post from /r/GreenBayPackers) [Picture from the game](https://i. reddituploads. com/36237143de1a4ae3976a7bbced60b118","fit=max&h=1536&w=1536&s=24282627cbe60a040441ef70ed2f28a0)" +"You know what this finger and pie have in common","*points at ring finger* They both have meringue on em" +"How many insects do you need to rent out an apartment","Ten-Ants" +"Dad: Kids, do you want to hear me do an impression of an extractor fan","I used to love tractors, but I don't anymore" +"Why do people eat potato skins","Because you they're appealing" +"The Mrs shouted at me earlier You weren't even listening there, were you","I thought Blimey, what a weird way to start a conversation" +"My dad got dadjoked We were discussing track at dinner when this happened: Dad: So, you're having your meet tomorrow, right. Me: What. We're having steak. [hearty laughter] Dad: So, you're having your *running* meet tomorrow","Sister: It's still alive" +"What do you call a disappointing boomerang","A bummerang" +"With a name like ZZ Top","You would think they would have at least one album of lullabies" +"Why were the Native Americans in America before anyone else","They had reservations" +"Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud","But that tablet only had 10 commands" +"Becoming a vegetarian","is a huge missed steak" +"Dadjoked my girlfriend at dinner. So we were eating dinner tonight, which is a rare treat because our work hours don't leave much overlapping free time. I had a dark glass with white wine with dinner. She asked what I was drinking, and I decided to recall a friend's joke. Gf: boss_ginger, what are you drinking. Me: Oh, just water. Do you want it. I can pour another glass. Gf: Please, thank you. *takes sip* . Gf: This is wine","Me: *Raises hands into the air, leans back in chair* Praise the LORD and his miracles" +"Did you hear the news. FedEx and UPS are merging","They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on" +"A mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on women and keeps getting rejected The mushroom says, “Come on ladies, I’m a real fun guy","” (Fungi)" +"What do you call lonely cheese","Provolone" +"What sort of flowers grow on your face","Tulips" +"My wife and I went on a date to a fancy cocktail bar. She ordered a drink with cardamom in it. What's cardamom. she asked","That's what they did to you at the door, I said" +"What do you call a nose without a body","Nobody knows" +"I got a job at a bakery","I kneaded the dough" +"I was reading a bedtime story to my daughter when the book abruptly ended. We were both perplexed, and my daughter asked, “Is it over","”, to which I replied, “Yep, that’s all she wrote" +"My wife saw me making a sandwich with pickles","I said what's the big dill" +"My son asked me if I wanted to borrow his evil clown pillow","I told him I'd sleep on It" +"My husband is finally a dad. While watching a cooking show, one of the chefs was using cauliflower to make a pizza crust. Me: Oh, she's not using any flour","My husband: well it's a type of flour" +"A piece of rope walks into a bar. The barman takes one look at him and says Get out. We don't serve your type here. The rope leaves, messes up his hair and tangles himself up a bit, then walks back into the bar. The barman looks at him suspiciously and asks Hey. Aren't you that piece of rope I just kicked out. The rope replies No","I'm a frayed knot" +"Looks like October is","Octover" +"My dad pulled this classic a minute ago (Waiter) Will we be needing a gluten free menu this evening. (Dad) Why would I care if the menu is gluten free. It's not like I'm going to eat it","(Groans ensue)" +"Here's one. I pull on my kids a lot. We'll be talking about a book or a movie and one of my kids will ask what is it about and","I'll reply, about an hour and a half , or about 300 pages ." +"My gf was not happy. [when I put a bounty on her head. ](http://imgur","com/B4oxna2)" +"Why couldn't the bike stand up","Because it was two tired" +"What do you call a dog with no legs","It doesn't matter, it's not going to come anyway" +"Did you hear about the guy that drank 10 cans of soda","He burped 7up" +"Dad, what's donation","That's the country donuts come from, son" +"Doctor: You have a severe iron deficiency. Me: How did you know. I just walked in","Doctor: Your shirt is all wrinkled" +"Rick. Astley is an avid. Disney/Pixar collector and very generous at that if you ask him to he will borrow you any. DVD in his collection except one","He's never gonna give you 'Up'" +"I throw my dog's toy short distances","It's not that far fetched" +"Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool","I gave him a glass of water" +"Why was the baby ant confused","Because it had a bunch of ants and no uncles" +"My friend's dad dropped this one about marijuana If they sold marijuana at the St","Louis Arch, it would literally be a gateway drug" +"What do you call a bunch of whales playing instruments","An orca-stra" +"Should we have a spiral stairway or a curved stair in our house","I'm opting for the ladder" +"Did you hear about the wobbly can","It was made of gela-tin" +"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but","I’ve been tripping all day" +"New name for a. Fart Turd. Bubble - credit goes to my son and he didn't even realize he came up with it until","I started to laugh." +"Why was the dolphin depressed","It had no porpoise" +"The morning is always the biggest dad joke time. Dad: Oh my god. Have you guys read the newspaper yet. Me: No. Why. What happened. Dad: It's corduroy pillows","They're making headlines" +"The. Other. Day. I. Made. A. Sleeping. Schedule. I. Think. You. Will. Find","Quite In-To-Resting" +"My track coach got one on us one time. So we were having a handball tournament where we were allowed to name our own teams. So before the finals game, one of my coaches says The two teams in the finals are the brownies and the cupcakes","Then my other coach, who is older and a dad, goes sounds like a sweet deal" +"What are the two sexiest animals on a farm","Brown Chicken Brown Cow" +"Have you ever eaten a clock. Don't","It's really time consuming" +"Got Em. Hanging out with a pair of soldiers, who invited me on a ruck with them in a few days. One says I'll bring my assault pack. The other says I'll bring assault pack too. Hey TheVillain117 do you have one. Without missing a beat I say No, I have a pepper pack. Followed by a shit eating grin. They stared with blank faces for a few seconds then groaned/eyerolled as they caught the dadjoke","As pennance I have to carry 75lbs instead of fifty" +"Dadjoked lady in hospital parking garage I was putting my daughter in the car, which was temporarily preventing a lady from entering hers. She smiled and told me not to hurry; that she was patient. I said to her, Well this is 'patient' parking","She politely laughed and my wife gave me a healthy eye roll once in the car" +"The guy at the airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual. I said, “Yes","I just paid $20 for a cheese sandwich" +"How do billboards communicate","Sign language" +"My wife keeps complaining about her gastro issues and being constipated","I think she's full of it" +"A photon arrives at the hotel reception. Excuse me Sir, do you have any baggage to check in","No, I'm travelling light" +"Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France","There was nothing left but de Brie" +"Someone once tried to attack me with cheese and milk","How dairy" +"Classic Dad joke with appropriate reaction. [x-post from r/videos] Observe the Dad in his natural environment: http://www. youtube. com/watch","v=bDNK59Whxt4&feature=youtu" +"I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it","It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again" +"Thought I'd share my poem about how dad jokes are made. I have a theory That you must tell no one, About the way That dads make a pun. It all starts out With an underground meeting: 7:30 on Mondays, With limited seating. They talk and converse To say their new jokes, Like I'm all out of whites, But got plenty of yokes. From there they spread To dads far and wide, For use on their kids, All mercy aside. There's no way to stop it, Believe me, I've tried","The only thing that can help Is to plug your ears, and hide" +"My gran only talks when I buy her a needle and thread. I guess I'm her little helper","Sew to speak" +"What does a pig say when they steal something","Yoink" +"Why are paediatricians always so frustrated","Because they have little patients" +"I tried to change my password to 'beefstew'","But the website said it wasn't stroganoff" +"Milk Son walks up to his dad. Son:Hey dad I need some milk Dad: What kind of milk. Son: You know i'm lactose intolerant, soy milk","Dad: Hola milk, soy tu padre" +"By the time a man realizes that his father was right","he has a son who thinks he’s wrong" +"I think I might be addicted to dough","I don't just want it I knead it" +"Why'd Tigger have his head in the toilet","He was looking for Pooh" +"Spilled some BBQ sauce on my plate So I asked for a bowl or dish to scoop up the excess sauce into. My aunt handed me a little tiny plate and said Its not a bowl, but this should do That's okay, this SAUCE-er will work just fine","They loved it" +"My wife tricked me into watching “P. I love you” on Netflix","Turns out it is not about a dude who marries his PlayStation" +"What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down","It gets toad away" +"This graveyard looks overcrowded","People must be dying to get in there" +"Dud you hear about the midget who had to have a leg amputated","He was three feet tall, and one foot short" +"New shoes So my dad comes in with his new shoes that he just seems to absolutely adore. And he tells me that they were selling like hotcakes online, that when he checked, there were only two left","And he got both of them" +"Starts of reasonably. then it's all downhill from there http://imgur","com/a/GHvbO" +"I just came back from my coworker’s funeral, who died when he was hit on the head by a tennis ball","It was a lovely service" +"I just put a new muffler on my car","now I'm exhausted" +"Now I know can bench at least one dadjoke While out walking with the family we saw a bench with a dedication plaque. It read In Memory of Helen, she walked these meadows with joy . Of course I had no choice but to remark Why didn't Joy get a bench too. Cue involuntary snort of laughter from the wife","Mission accomplished" +"Why do cows wear bells around their necks","Cause their horns dont work" +"Dadjoked my brother I'm teaching my brother to play billiards, and had to explain that when the cue ball doesn't touch anything, it's a foul. He said, I hate pool rules. But we have to have them. They keep us safe and stop us from drowning","His reaction: ಠ_ಠ My reaction: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)" +"Did you hear abou the guy thrown in prison for refusing to take a nap","He was resisting a rest" +"A physicist, and bioliogist, and a chemist walk into a bar","I ducked" +"What came before the big bang","The big foreplay" +"Why are there no knock knock jokes about America","Because freedom rings" +"Why were russian cars notoriously bad from the 1920s to the 1950s","Because they were always Stalin" +"I wrote a book called ‘My permanently exposed penis","’ It’s out now" +"Got my kid with this one Woke up all bedheaded and stumbled into kitchen. Son sitting at breakfast table smirks and says nice hair","Without missing a beat I said Thanks, I worked on it all night" +"Every time my doorbell rings, my dog jumps up and stands in the corner","He’s a Boxer" +"My teacher didnt give me homework","Because i’m homeless" +"I thought dinner was at 7, not 6","I guess that was my missedsteak" +"Got my friend and her boyfriend while deciding what to order for dinner My friend Sarah and I were tossing up between Indian and Thai. We called her boyfriend Sam to see if he would like takeaway. He can't have shellfish so Thai is a no. Sarah: we're trying to decide if we should get Thai or Indian. Do you want take out because if you do, we will get curry but if not, we will get Thai for us","Me: you're the tie-breaker" +"What sound does a metal frog make","Rivet, rivet" +"What do you call an amputee riding passenger in a two-seater","Sawed-off shotgun" +"I ordered an egg and a chicken from Amazon","I’ll let you know" +"Why should you be extra careful handling duck eggs","They're prone to quacking" +"What did 50 cent do when he got hungry","58" +"Finally proving my position as a dad. My son and I got a pizza tonight, and as we were leaving my son saw a can of orange sunkist that had been run over by a car tire and said hey dad look at this Sunkist","And I replied looks more like a crush to me" +"Did you read about the OtterBox murders","They never cracked the case" +"My kid asked me how he could get better at chemistry","I told him not to overreact" +"Got my sister on Facebook. Practicing for when my own kids are bit older. http://imgur","com/34rx3d1" +"I was recently rejected from a mushroom studying school","They said there wasn't mushroom for a fungi like me" +"The past, present, and future walk into a bar","It was tense" +"I’m reading a horror story in. Braille, something bad is going to happen. I can feel it","Credits- u/Wyzeman3283" +"Did you hear about the gold digger who married a rich art collector","She was just in it for the Monet" +"If Korean pop is called K-pop, what Chinese rap called","Crap💩 I’m sorry" +"1) I am so poor I went to the pond to feed stale bread to the ducks since it free. In good conscious the ducks refused. They offered me a job and a place to stay","Now I live in a quack house and sell quack" +"Did you hear about the guy that got arrested for stealing hay","He made bale" +"I said to my son, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression. ” He said, Sure dad. I shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE. ” He said, “That’s Superman","” I said, “Thanks son, I’ve been practicing a lot" +"A demon said he wasn't gay","I asked him demonstrate" +"If only I could hear the groan through text message My wife sent me a picture of our baby. This was the exchange that followed: Me: Look at those cheeks. They are huge. Her: It is the angle, I am sure. The camera adds 10 pounds","Me: How many cameras are you using" +"Did you hear about the new synagogue built in the orchard","I hear they have apple jews there" +"Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip","I was heels over head" +"What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland","Well, the flag is a big plus" +"Bicentennial year at the Indiana State Fair Went to the state fair with the family the other day where they're celebrating 200 years. Came across a bison exhibit and I told the family, look everyone, it's Tennial. After about 8 seconds of silence. groans all around","Even the baby started crying" +"Dad texted me this while vacationing in London What do Royal guards drink on their break","SECURI-Tea" +"Can February March","No, but April May" +"If you're surprised that. Jeff. Epstein committed suicide","Just imagine how surprised he was." +"What do you call a man who can't stand","Neil" +"So a Rabbi is sent to an island full of giants. (Long) When the Rabbi gets to the island he is greeted by a man who claims to know the history of the island. The man says there is a tribe of men called the Trids who have been protecting themselves from the giants for generations. He says the giants will kick any Trid off the island any chance they get. The Rabbi is confused as to how the man was still alive though. Well how do you know all of this if the giants kick all the men off the island. The man responds Silly Rabbi","kicks are for Trids" +"My socks and underwear drawer was getting too crowded so I put all my socks into an old poster tube","Now all I have are tube socks" +"I just watched a program about beavers","It was the best dam program I've ever seen" +"My favorite exercise at the gym","is exercising my right to not go to the gym" +"What do you call a tree who's limbs fell off in a storm","An amputree" +"Someone accused me of plagiarism","That's their words, not mine" +"What is the only. Caribbean country to exist in. Minecraft","Cuba (I am so sorry this has been in my head for days and it’s so bad)" +"I still remember the moment when my dad told me the definition of the word plethora","To me, it meant a lot" +"Your mom had to get a tuberculosis test for work. I guess we'll finally have an answer to the age-old question","TB, or not TB" +"“Dad I’m cold” Then go in the corner","It’s 90°" +"If you adopt a child, can you still tell dad jokes","Yes, but they are not that original" +"What kind of dinosaur doesn't like to sit down","The Stegosoreass" +"I overheard a couple fighting in the other day. They were arguing about the weather, one thought it was hailing, the other was sure it was rain. To settle their dispute they approached the communist officer, Rudolph. Rudolph settled the score by confirming that it was rain","The man then turns to his wife and says “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear”" +"The new sailor, Leo, asked me where the ship's cook could be found. I said, He's in the Galley, Leo","I swear, that guy struts around like all the planets revolve around him" +"A new noodle restaurant opened in my neighborhood","I hear it’s pretty Pho-nominal" +"What do you call kids moving out of the house with a dadjoke making dad","Groaned up" +"If Britain Leaves the EU, How much space will be freed up","1 GB" +"What did the fire sorcerer like most about the movie American Pie","The pie romancing" +"Hookers dont fart","They let out little prosti-toots" +"I didn't sleep very well last night. I kept having these weird dreams about mufflers","And I woke up exhausted" +"9 9 9 9 9","Said the angry german man." +"What did one eclair say to the other in divorce court","I want full custardy" +"England and France raced two cats across the Channel They were named One Two Three, and Un Deux Trois","England won; The Un Deux Trois Quatre Cinq" +"I've always struggled to cook rice properly","Guess that's why it's called a complex carb" +"Shall I name this new insect I discovered after the current British Prime Minister","Maybe" +"I had to decide on what method I wanted to use in my house to get to the second floor","The options were stairs or a vertical climbing apparatus I chose the ladder" +"My daughter was ignoring her mother. She was 'busy playing', so I told her to tell her mother she loved her from over there Yes","she said I love you momma from over here" +"I just quit my 20/hr per week internship to start my first full-time job and I'm kind of sad","I think I'm suffering from post-part-time depression" +"Rappers come in 2 sizes. Big &","Lil" +"me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000 her: sure me:","K" +"You think pigs can’t fly","Let me remind you: Just a few years ago, swine flu" +"Me while pouring a glass of wine: Do you know why it's coming out so slowly. Wife:","Me: There's a bottle neck" +"Enough is enough. (x-post r/comics) https://axbymag. files. wordpress. com/2014/12/punbearable","png" +"Talking to my grandfather the other day. Him: Well how are ya doin'. Me: I'm doing good Him: Well do you get paid for being good. Me: Nope Him: Well then you're good for nothing","then he continued to maniacaly laugh until his beer spilled, 10/10 dad joke" +"What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman","The snowballs" +"Can a Ninja throw Stars","Shur-he-kan" +"It snow joke. My wife's going out of town, and I mentioned that we should make a run to the grocery store before she leaves. In case either of us get stranded because of snow. I just want to make sure it snow problem. *groan* Hey, you married me, and that snowbody's fault but yours. *Frantically grabs her overear headphones and puts them on. She hasn't yet plugged them in. * Snow way you can't hear me. I shout. She scrambles for the cord plugging it in. A few minutes later she looks up","This is how I know you'll make a great dad" +"Dentist appointment. Any time my dad has a dentist appointment he loves to tell everyone that his appointment is at tooth-hurty","To this day any time someone says they have a dentist appointment I ask them if it's at tooth-hurty" +"TIFU by ordering the wrong $5 foot long","Whoops wrong sub" +"I hate social media, honestly","I reg-reddit" +"What's the dumbest animal in the jungle","The polar bear" +"I was heading out to the doctor's office. Me: Alright, dad. Heading to get my blood drawn. Dad: Oh yeah","Oil or acrylic" +"A man was waiting on the bus. The busdriver says:","Hey, get down!" +"My wife just complained that I've been in the garden all day tending to the herbs","Apparently I have way too much thyme on my hands" +"I went to the hospital because I had a hard time opening a banana","I told the Doctor I wasn't peeling well" +"I'm allergic to death","It causes me to start coffin" +"I don't always tell dad jokes But when I do","I make him laugh" +"She called me a dork for this one. Me: So do you help with a basketball team or something. Coworker: What do you mean","Me: Your bag says Coach" +"I excitedly showed my mother my test, which had a big, red, A+ on it","“Sweetie, this is a blood test" +"I asked my friend if he wanted to see that new Stephen King movie adaptation and it felt like a betrayal when he declined. It 2, Brute","I had asked" +"As a dad I was proud of this one driving home from the eye doctor Son: The doctor said I need to be sure to change my contacts every two weeks so my eyes don't get irritated. But I'm bad with setting reminders","Dad: Just eyeball it" +"But, Holmes, what kind of rock could be formed by deposition and consolidation of mineral and organic material and from the precipitation of minerals from a solution","Sedimentary, my dear Watson" +"If Spock has Vulcan ears, what does Scotty have","Engineers" +"I misplaced my cocaine","Spent all day looking for it, and it was right under my nose this whole time." +"Forking good dad joke Our toddler is learning about opposites, but some concepts are proving trickier than others. My wife: I just don't understand why he can't tell the difference between a fork and a spoon. Me: it's a tricky distinction","Just give him some tine" +"Mom said she had an eye exam today","I asked her if she's been studying" +"I got a new sweater that kept picking up static electricity","So I took it back and exchanged it for another—free of charge" +"So, my dad and I were talking about birds today. and the fact that there is a giant artificially planted tree in our back yard that is going to get too big to support itself eventually, or whatever, and we'd have to cut it down. I said we'd have to relocate the birds that have made a home in our tree first, naturally, or wait for them to leave. He said how are you going to relocate the birds. You can't just send them an email and be like 'be out of here by next Thursday'. There was a pause, and moments later he says oh you know what to do","You send them a tweet" +"What do you call a man who pours lots of drinks","Phil" +"What was Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination","HAND-EEEEEYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEE" +"Server: Do you wanna box for your food","Dad: No, but I'll wrestle you" +"What did 20 do when he was hungry","28" +"I will not rest until I find the cure","for insomnia" +"A sandwich walks into a bar and orders some pretzels","The bartender says, Sorry we don't serve food here" +"While watching. Stranger. Things wife says: “El is pretty”. Me:. Yeah, she’s an","Eleven" +"Why are photographers so hesitant to get into a relationship","They're interested in developing one, but can't stop focusing on all the negatives" +"What does a duck say after he orders a drink from the bar","Put it on my bill" +"A set of jumper cables walks into a bar","The bartender looks up warily and says, You can stay but you better not try to start anything ." +"My doctor told me. I was going deaf today","It was very difficult to hear" +"What do you call a dog up a tree, with a briefcase","Branch manager" +"What do you call a dried up waterfall","Water fell" +"Did you hear about the Swedish car maker that filed for bankruptcy in 2011","It's a real Saab story" +"How do you catch an unique rabit. Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit","The tame way, unique up on it" +"The homes in my neighborhood are numbered 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13","I've been told that it's prime real estate" +"My friend told me. I didn’t know what irony meant","Which is ironic because we were at a bus stop" +"Don't spell part backwards","It's a trap" +"Would you call a drunk","working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic" +"Don't ever lend books to an accountant","Most of them are bookkeepers" +"How did Hitler tie his shoes","Into little Nazis" +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon","Great food, no atmosphere" +"What happens when you pet a cat in the opposite direction","You rub them the wrong way" +"My boyfriend is getting tired of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked him how I could stop my addiction. He said Whatever means necessary","I answered No it doesn't" +"What do you call a fish with no eyes","Fsh" +"I am having hard time deciding whether I should throw away my old pillow","I think I’ll sleep on it" +"I passed a guy giving away watches on the street","He must have a lot of free time on his hands" +"Why are the skeletons so calm","Because nothing gets under their skin" +"Daughter retaliated against a potential dad joke","She finished with some task and told me I'm all done and quickly added but that's not my name" +"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh","Ten tickles" +"I have a question for you guys that I thought off the top of my head","Should I buy a Sombrero or a Fez" +"They say I’m the best dad in the country","Too bad I live in the city" +"I've only been a dad for 3 months. Is this good. : How do you comfort a grammar nazi","There, their, they're" +"Kids: Dad, I hate it when Mom makes sausages for dinner","Dad: I understand kids, it's the wurst" +"My deaf girlfriend just told me “We need to talk","” That is not a good sign" +"The padawan has become the master. Got my dad. While driving around today running errands. Dad: I'm gonna stop here at Sonic. I'm in the mood for an Iced Tea. Me: I'm more of an LL Cool J guy myself, but I can make an exception","He looked at me with a mixture of ugh and I'm so proud" +"I'm not easily annoyed","But X-Rays really get under my skin" +"My son said it was getting cold in our house","I said Go stand in the corner to warm up, it's 90 degrees" +"Family Vacation Dinner We're seated to a family dinner at our hotel. I'm sitting across from my sister and next to my dad. The waiter brings our meals: lamb for me, lamb for my sister and fish for my dad. Suddenly, he lost all the color in his face. In retrospect, we're not sure how he pulled that part off, but he seemed genuinely terrified as a lead into it. **Dad:** Oh my god, did you hear that. Me: Hear what. Sister: What's going on. **Dad:** Listen. *Ambient restaurant noises. * Me: Dad, seriously, are you ok. What's going on. **Dad:** I can't believe you can't hear it","They must have brought you the silence of the lambs" +"I farted on my wallet. Now","I have gas money" +"Back from the ultrasound, mother-in-law: Did you see the fetus","Me: Fetus, Handus, Legus, I saw the whole baby" +"Which US president was known as a real man","Truman" +"My wife divorced me for cursing too much","So I have her 100 years of bad luck" +"A monastery decided to liven up their old clothes by tie-dying them, but the fabric became stiff and uncomfortable","When the Abbott asked a sister to explain, she gave a simple reply: Old habits dye hard" +"What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow","Roost beef" +"What's the difference between a hippo and Zippo","One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter" +"What do you call a potato that knows CPR","A resusci-tater" +"What my dad said when he found out the Indian restaurant was out of bread","This is naansense" +"What happens when you step on a grape","It lets out a little wine" +"Dad hit me with this one earlier today. So I was shaving after about a week and a half of being lazy and letting my facial hair grow. As I was doing this I left my mustache and went to my dad and said, hey I mustache you a question in which he replied sorry I'm busy, shave it for later","I have to hand it to him I didn't see that coming and we both got groans from my mom" +"Have you heard of the restaurant called Karma","There’s no menu: You get what you deserve" +"She taught me everything I know Me: Hey mum, what do you want for mothers day. Just your company I'll have to check with my boss but I don't think the business is for sale . huh. *groan*","dickhead" +"What does a house wear","Address" +"If. I pour root beer into a square glass","Is it just regular beer?" +"I say alcohol is my enemy","God says love your enemy" +"Getting run over really takes the energy out of me","It makes me tired" +"what do you call a model who pretends to like their job","&#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; a poser" +"Douglas Adams finished writing the first chapter of A Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. He thought, “Finally","I put A Dent in that book" +"How many nascar drivers does it to screw in a light bulb. None. They only make left turns. Edit:","does it *take to screw in a lightbulb" +"What do you call an obnoxious raindeer a","RUDEolph" +"Music is like candy","Throw away the wrappers" +"What did the fish say when he swam into the wall","Damn" +"Sitting at the Vietnamese restaurant. And my wife is starting to get a bit impatient waiting for the food","She's getting phostrated" +"I tried to get rid of this rash on my foot, but I couldn't","I admit defeet" +"What is the hardest cult to join","The diffi-cult" +"I was telling my dad about some of my military training. So next week we get to practice detaching our harnesses from our parachutes while being pulled along the ground. It should be a lot of fun. Sounds like a real drag to me","Dammit Pops" +"A collection of my fathers best. I was showing my dad some pictures from my trip to Europe. He saw a picture of a rock covered with moss and said, I'm lichen that. For Christmas dinner we were having ham. The plate of carved ham was between my dad and I. Someone asked where the plate went. My dad says, We're hoggin' it. There was a store in my home town called carols cedar cellar. It was damaged in a flood and they knocked the building down exposing the basement. We drive by and my dad says, Now you can cedar cellar","I have so much to learn" +"I was diagnosed with an advanced case of ADHD","AD4K" +"0nly 50p If I had 50p for everytime I failed a maths test I would have around £6","73 by now" +"I saw a bold prediction and thought you guys would enjoy this","Here it is: **Prediction**" +"What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet","SUPPLIES" +"Saw IT last night","Far less computer networking and so much more murderous clowning than anticipated" +"Know why geese kill more humans every year than sharks","Because it's really hard for geese to kill sharks" +"Wanna hear a dirty joke","A white horse in a mud puddle" +"A median and a mode walk into a bar. The bartender says, “I’m glad you ditched your friend","He’s mean" +"Two blokes are out on a golf course, one pulls out a cigarette and asks his friend for a light. His friend pulls out a 12 inch bic lighter and hands it to him “wow where did you get such a large bic. ” he asks, “oh this, my genie got it for me he’s in my golf bag” the friend says “you have a genie. May I see him. ”, “yes sure” the friend replies and opens his golf bag. Sure enough out pops a genie, the man says “I am your masters best friend may I have one wish. ” “Sure” the genie replies “but only one”. “I’d like a million bucks” says the man excitedly, “done” says the genie and disappears back into the bag. Seconds later the sky begins to gets dark, despite it only being noon, the man looks up and sees nothing but ducks “what is going on, there must be a million ducks up there, I asked for a million bucks, what’s wrong with your genie","” his friend turns to him with a wry smile and says “do you REALLY think I asked for a 12 inch inch bic”" +"I got my wife. Still had to clean though Wife: I thought I asked you to clean the stove like a week ago. Me: I'm sorry babe I guess I just put it on the back burner Wife:","clean it" +"Why did the boy spit out his breakfast","Because it was waffle" +"My dad was stunned when I rattled this off He has been complaining about his ear for the past few days, possible infection. He was saying how he couldn't hear well and how his ear itched but he couldn't scratch it","Man, that must be ear-itating Do your homework" +"Fed Ex and UPS and merging","Finally they'll be as Fed UP as we are" +"The jacket fought the shirt over who was more important to the suit","It ended up a tie" +"My dad just said this to my brother Brother: How do you feel, Dad","Dad: With my hands Needless to say we were all rolling our eyes at him" +"I should probably make a joke about sodium","Na" +"I'm a pretty open minded guy but I would never date a Nazi","That's a big red flag" +"My friend just told me that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed","I’ve had a Canon printer for years" +"It's my son's birthday. Someone is turning 24. Not my son","He's 11 today" +"I tried tap dancing. But. I had to give it up as","I kept falling into the sink." +"What did one plate say to the other","Dinner's on me" +"Me: and this is my house Friend: what’s upstairs","Me: stairs don’t talk" +"What do you call an acid with an attitude","A-Mean-oh Acid" +"How many people live in the average convent","Nun" +"Hey kids, what's the score","It's a Tide Ad" +"Laid this one on my girlfriend last night. Her - I love this little purse. I hardly ever wear it because it's so small. I'm always forgetting what's inside it. It's always exciting to see what I'll find. Me - huh, I guess one might say it's a *grab bag. * (insert dad face) P","I don't know how to italicize" +"My ex wife still misses me","But her aim is getting better." +"My grandma was famous for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so everyone could visit and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish","She’s dead and berried" +"Gf got me with this gold today. Gf: Why do fish always sing off-key. Me: . They don't know their scales. GF: Good guess, but it's because you can't tuna fish. Me: Oh, I mistook this for Why are fish always perfectly pitched. Because they know their scales so well. GF: Yeah. You got that","•_•)>⌐■-■ (⌐■_■) Bass-ackwards" +"How much dirt is in a hole that's 1ft deep, 1ft wide, and 1ft long. None","If there was dirt in it, it wouldn't be a hole" +"Our wedding was so beautiful","Even the cake was in tiers" +"Did you hear about the guy who ran a pirate's produce stand","He sold corn for a buck an ear" +"Spring excites me. Sometimes. I get so excited that","I wet my plants" +"A customer at subway told me this today after giving me a dollar tip. What's cheaper, deer nuts or bear nuts. Deer nuts","They're always under a buck" +"I have a. Russian friend who’s a radio operator. I have a","Czech one too" +"My Dad Stopped At McDonalds After we received our food, somehow they messed up our order. My Brother: Dad, they gave me McChickens instead of McDoubles","Dad: Looks like they made a McStake" +"Why do Italian people not stand still","Because they are always romeing" +"What did 50 Cent do when he got hungry","58" +"Why didn't the letter J cross the road","Because it was arrested for J-walking" +"Why can't owls get dates in the rain","It's too wet to woo" +"What type of music are balloons scared of","Pop" +"Peanut butter was driving his toast when suddenly","there was a jam" +"Dad joked my buddy while we were studying Him: Damnit my foot fell asleep. You know any ways to get rid of it","Me: Well, did you set an alarm" +"So I found some money on the wash","Dad looks over newspaper: Money laundering is illegal" +"Got my wife good with this one. Driving in the car on the way to the mall while listening to The Weeknd's new album when I turn and say: Oh, I did a little research and discovered where he was born. Her: Really. Where. Me: A little place called Frisatsun. Her: Where is that. Me: it's on the weekend. She punched me immediately","*Edited for formatting" +"What did the Italian say after the hailstorm. My car. Itsa Al Dente","This failed miserably in r/jokes so it should be a raging success here" +"My co-workers don't appreciate my Dadjokes. Coworker: Man these onions are intense. Me: No they're in your sandwich","Everyone in the break room: shaking their heads" +"Son, you know you're a true 90's kid","when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999" +"Geology rocks","But geography is where it's at." +"Last week at the zoo, I saw a baguette in a cage","It made me sad, because I knew it was bread in captivity" +"I have a fear of speed bumps","But I’m slowly getting over it" +"What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu","One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment" +"My friend said his wife doesn't know what a crowbar is used as. I said, Lever","He said, No, we just had an argument" +"In honor of my father for Father’s Day, I’m going to tack you back to the 1990’s. This is rural southern America please read in southern accent. Me: Daddy I’m thirsty. My dad: Hi thirsty I’m Fridy lets go Saturdy and get a Sundy","I’m sure it’s not original but it makes me laugh to think of how I was making my dad insane asking for a DRIIINNNKKK and he would always come back with this" +"Why did the watermelon get married in its hometown","Because it married a cantaloupe" +"Walk into a Mexican restaurant with my dad and we are both looking at the menu. He looks at me and says, A shrimp taco sounds good, but I think I'm going to get a normal size taco instead. I immediately start laughing loud enough for it to be awkward . That causes him to then tell the waiter the same exact joke. She was very amused to say the least","Dadjoke prevailed Edit-spelling" +"I just used a dad joke on my dad. I'm on the bus, and my dad rings me asking where I was. I replied that I was on the bus, and he said, Where on the bus. Without hesitation I said In the middle, next to the window. He gave one of those sighs and I realised what I just did","Totally worth it" +"Daughter:. What rhymes with orange #Dad:","No it doesn't" +"Fell out of bed laughing at sexytime dadjoke Roommate (Context: we just started hooking up) comes home from work. Comes upstairs and hangs out watching movies until sexytime ensues. After sexytime she gets up and says S*** I'm late, I need to go so I ask Where are you going. she replies I was supposed to meet my friends an hour ago, but I got Dick-stracted","I proceeded to fall out of the bed laughing" +"My wife bet me $15 that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti","You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta" +"My Girlfriend was Pretty Proud of This one I have trained her well. http://i. imgur. com/2wbVvVZ","png" +"What's that up the road","A head" +"Dad is going to bed The other night, my mum and I were sat watching television like any other night. My Dad comes upstairs and begins whispering something over and over. At first I thought he might be looking for something, but he came in to the living room saying the same thing. ittanight , ittanight . Until my mom with a puzzled look, asked what he was doing","He looked at us with a devilish grin and says Just calling ittanight" +"Why did the mathematician lie adjacent to the hippopotamus","Cos" +"What has 8 legs, 8 arms, and 8 eyes","8 pirates" +"True story The other day I was at a DIY shop, buying various tools for around the house. In my basket was a hammer, and when it travelled along the conveyor belt and reached the checkout girl I shouted 'Stop","She just looked at me blankly, and I was too embarrassed to finish the joke" +"My wife was making fun of how many cavities I’ve had over the years. I replied, “Please stop talking about it","You’re hurting my fillings" +"What did the pessimist say to the chef","Everything you make turns to shit" +"My wife complains that I don't buy her flowers","I didn't know she sells them" +"Why do golfers wear two pairs of socks","In case they get a hole in one" +"Which collegiate insects are the laziest","Dorm ants" +"My dad on the refugee crisis Aunt: 1 in 300 Syrian refugees are plants","Dad: The others are animals" +"I have a fetish for writing the last paragraph of a paper","I just came to that conclusion" +"Why was the clownfish so sad","She had no friends, only anemone" +"Dad came to see my new house. We were in the garage checking out what will soon be my workshop","He pulled out my push saw and said, I see you went with the cordless" +"Why do zombies get such a bad wrap","All they want is a little piece of mind" +"What do you say to comfort an English teacher","They're, there, their" +"My mom got me good on my facebook. I made a status saying I lost my contacts on my phone and for people to text me. My mom replies, You don't have contacts. You have glasses","Lol" +"A blind guy enters the mall. He takes his seeing eye dog and starts swinging it,round and round. I asked him, Hey buddy,what are you doing to that poor dog","He says, Just taking a look around" +"I sweat less when I wear sunglasses","Because I feel cooler" +"My friend pulled this one on me. Friend: You wanna hear a joke about ghosts","Me: Sure Friend: That's the spirit" +"I got fired from my job at the bank today","An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over" +"Got my girlfriend at the mall today Her: Let's take the escalator","Me: No, let's just take the esca-now" +"My dad is quitting his bricklaying business. He is upset at how quickly people wants their houses built","He told me, “Nowadays, everyone wants instant stratification" +"Had to remind my dad that his jokes about sausage","are the wurst" +"I don't usually tell dad jokes. But when","I do they are reposts." +"Someone ruined my bit of land at the allotment","I lost the plot." +"I was totally ready to be God's son until I learned what it involved","Really scared the be Jesus out of me" +"Dad joke 101. Me having a yard sale. My dad:","I’m here to buy a yard" +"My wife's terrible Dad Joke Wife: Why do you have to add extra words to sentences all the time. Me: Because complete sentences make sense. W: I didn't know I could get paid for talking. M: Huh. W: Complete sentences make cents","Folks, don't let your wives make Dad Jokes" +"Years ago, I had a job translating pre Classical Greek literature into Braille","It feels like ancient history" +"Actually if. Scotland votes for independence it won't be so bad. Because the rest of the","UK will get away scot-free." +"What do you call cowboy clothes","Ranch dressing" +"This belong here¿ [Click Me](https://i. imgur. com/KfFkXTB","png)" +"What do you call a really good dad joke","A granddad joke" +"My boyfriend used my shower last night. Me: So you can use any of my soap or shampoo you find in the shower. I set a clean towel on the counter for you and pushed the stool under the sink so you won't trip over it","Boyfriend: I mean, I'd prefer if you flushed any stool down the toilet before I shower, but as long as I don't trip on it I guess we're okay" +"My son asked how. Viking sailors communicated. I told him its simple, they used. Norse","Code" +"I made a belt out of old watches the other day","What a waist of time" +"Had my best man speech for my best friends wedding yesterday and I finished with a great one Well this has been a really emotional day, gosh. even the wedding cake is in tiers. Got lots of heavy sighing, laughs and tons of boos. I was very happy with the reception * thanks for the upvotes","Never thought I'd see the front page, it's been a *pun-ishing* wait to get there" +"If. Donald. Trump and. Mike. Pence go out to lunch","Is it a federal mandate?" +"I went for a hike to watch the sunrise and saw a group of young deer frolicking in the morning mist","It was a fawn dew party" +"What do you call a Chinese lobster","A crust-asian" +"I don't know if my ceiling is the best ceiling","But it's definitely up there" +"3 clowns got deserted on an island","When they resulted to cannibalism one said to the other, does this taste funny?" +"What do the starship enterprise and a roll of toilet paper have in common","They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons" +"What do you call a man with no nose and no body","Nobody knows" +"Dad in a dad joke Just before we paid the check at a restaurant, our waitress saw we had some leftovers and asked my dad you wanna box for that","He replied Nah, I would rather wrestle" +"My wife suggested we stop buying so much deli meat from the store. I agreed","We should quit cold turkey" +"Yesterday I taught my son what ferrous means","How ironic" +"Isaac Newton's Dad After discovering gravity, Isaac Newton went to tell his parents about his observations","His dad looked at him and said, well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" +"I went out to my garden to plant some flowers","But i realized i hadn't botany" +"If in an earthquake, take shelter with a horse","Their houses are always stable" +"I would tell one about how tired. I am","But that's a worn-out subject" +"My friends dad would say this to him anytime he did something stupid","you're as sharp as a marble" +"My co worker was upset that office depot ruined her wedding invitations She told a group of us that there was a huge black line down the middle of all the invites, I asked so I guess black lines do matter. She hit me, told me I was stupid, then cried","I feel it was worth it" +"did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory","There was de brie everywhere" +"My Dad told me always fight fire with fire","And that's why he's no longer a fireman" +"My wife was picking feathers off my sweater. and turns to me and asked, have you been cheating on me with a bird. So I look at her right in the eye and said, I swear. It was just a peck on the cheek","She almost kicked me out of the house" +"My pasta was kinda wet and drippy at the restaurant","so i asked the waitress for a restraining order" +"My 7 year old's 1st joke with the f word. Jake: Effingham is a funny name for a street. Me: You know, I've kinda always thought that too. Jake: Yeah, it's like the worst kind of pig there is","Me: That's f-ing halarious" +"I hate last minute decisions about which frozen food should be for dinner","They're never well thawed out" +"Telling someone that you work in IT support can be such a turn off","And then a turn on again" +"My mum just dad-joked my dad. *Putting up Christmas decorations, when. * Mum: Where do these go. Dad: On the roof, dear","Mum: But we don't have a roof deer" +"I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes","Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep" +"Why did the pony have to cancel her concert","She was a little hoarse" +"Literally every time we go to a restaurant Waiter/Waitress: Hi, my name is [insert name here] and I'll be your server","Dad: Hi, my name is Barry and I'll be your customer" +"A Safeway truck spilled a crate of strawberries on the highway today","It created a real traffic jam" +"While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused","I guess it was the delivery" +"A family of beavers walk across a river. Then the dad said to the family","Dam it" +"I just got the worst haircut of my life","It was a hair-razing experience" +"My dad never texts me. Today at 7:26 AM, he sends this I have kleptomania","Sometimes when it gets really bad, I take something for it" +"What do you call a police officer that’s just eaten","Fed" +"It seems only natural that the. Flat","Earth theory is not gathering any momentum." +"I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year","This is an eggs-hiding opportunity" +"I'm Buzz Aldrin, second person ever to step on the moon","Neil before me" +"Dad joked a friend She said she wished she had a direct line to Satan. I said I don't know","Long distance rates to the underworld would be hell on the phone bill" +"Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors","If it had 4 itd be a sedan" +"The biggest source of tension in my marriage","is that me and my wife both enjoy tug-of-war" +"step dad got me and my mother So me and my mother are sitting at the table chatting and my step dad is watching tv on the couch. Out of nowhere this happens: SD: Can I get a what-what. Both Mother and I: What","SD: Thank you" +"French Fries weren't cooked in France","They were cooked in Grease" +"November is a hot month. Not as hot as. Novfire but much warmer than","Novashes" +"Why are fire trucks red. (X-posts /r/Apple) https://i. imgur. com/1N3LSWh","jpg" +"The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear","is sphere itself" +"My grandpa died because the report said he had Type-A blood","Unfortunately, it was a Type-O" +"Wife notices some guy and says, Jeez. That toupee looks terrible. Why","Is it toupee-nfully obvious" +"What's the cheapest thing you can buy in the meat market","A deer testicle because it's under a buck" +"What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct","Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite" +"Nipples Just got my wife with this. Wife while feeding infant son: Can you grab a nipple for this bottle. It doesn't have one. Me: You have one. Wife: I asked if you","You jerk" +"A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing. Saran. Wrap shorts","The shrink takes one look at him and says “I can clearly see your nuts!”" +"I wanna joke about tea","But it would take oolong" +"My son said my jokes were cheesy","How dairy" +"Oh my God","I just realized Today is epiphany" +"Watching Curious George with my 2 year old niece. George was trying to figure out why his neighbours hens wouldn't lay eggs. It was easy for me figure out the reason. They're obviously too afraid to lay eggs. You know why. They're chicken","My niece is too young to appreciate it now, but she'll learn soon enough" +"Me (to my wife, who is also a lawyer): Hey baby can you go into the garage and get me a trowel. Wife: Sure (brings back trowel). So. Why","Me: Because now you're a *trowel attorney*" +"They call it the mall","because instead of just going to one store, you go to them all" +"My buddy sells office supplies, label makers, and file cabinets to the Mafia","He is involved in very organized crime" +"A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm","He still has the right to remain silent" +"Leap day dadjoke I'm out of bed earler than usual. Wife comes in and we discuss why. She walks away to get ready for work `me are you gonna make me breakfast. ` > Pfffft. It's leap day, not jump-to-conclusions day. Anyone else got any once-every-four-years dad jokes","I just wanna ***wear em out*** tonight after everyone gets home" +"My mom pulled the best dad joke I've ever heard at a Chinese restaurant the other day Her friend had come along with us to the buffet and was eating something that I can't quite remember now, but she ends up asking where is the duck sauce. To which my mom, without even skipping a beat, blurted out the following words with not a single emotion on her face, probably next to the quackers . I almost choked on my food I was laughing so hard","Love you mom" +"What are the strongest days","Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays" +"My wife told me to put down the toilet seat","So I walked over to it and said, You stink of urine" +"There once was a girl that was born just a head There once was a girl that was born just a head. No body, just a head. As she grew up and the years went by, her mother would put her near the window so she could look outside. The girl so badly wanted to be normal, be able to go outside, and be able to play with the other neighborhood kids. It was all she could think or talk about. But, she never could since she was only a head. One day, a mysterious man arrived at her house. Her mother answered the door and escorted the man over to talk to the girl. The man said he could grant the girl one wish. Of course, since she was just a head and all she ever wanted was to have a body, she wished for exactly that. The man snapped his fingers and BOOM, she had a body attached to her head. She was just like a normal little girl. She was so happy. She was in such euphoria that she sprinted out the door to go play with the other children like she’s always wanted to do, ran into the street and was immediately hit by a car and killed","The moral to the story, always quit while you’re ahead" +"I don’t trust people who do acupuncture","They’re all backstabbers" +"My girlfriend got me pretty good today. I opened the cabinet to pull out the chocolate syrup when I noticed a chocolate fingerprint on the top. I jokingly asked her if she did that to mark it as hers since she had told me she might have to hide it to keep me from using it all. So, we go back and forth over whose fingerprint it is when she grabs it and takes it over to the dog. She holds it up and goes, Eddie, look. Whose is that. Of course, he's a dumb dog, so he just whines and wags his tail. She then comes back to me and says, I sent the fingerprint to the Lab, results came back inconclusive. Cue long sigh. Edit: [Damn. ](https://archive. org/embed/LooksLikeWeMadeIt) Edit 2: [The Lab](http://m. imgur","com/a/PHLoh)" +"What happens when frogs go mad","They get kermitted to an asylum" +"What do you get when you cross a moose and a ghost","A cari-boo" +"Meghan Trainor and Pinocchio are actually pretty similar","They both have a whole lot of no’s" +"I was sat next to an insurance salesman at a Robbie Williams last night","And through it all, he offered me protection" +"Why don’t you ever see Elephants hiding in tree’s","Because they’re good at it" +"I made up a real groaner today, so of course I had to tell my son. One day at a US immigration office, a man walked in seeking citizenship. The desk clerk began the usual questioning: name, occupation, country of origin . The man replied, Juan Martinez, illusionist, Mexico . During the process Juan made small talk and displayed his talent as an illusionist. The clerk found him to be a charming, funny, and charismatic man, which put the normally grouchy clerk in a great mood. The clerk was so enamored by Juan, he let him skip the formalities and allowed him straight into the US. After Juan left, a coworker asked the clerk why he would allow a man to just walk in to the US. To which the clerk responded","For once in my long career working in immigration, I was truly amazed and entertained by a potential citizen, so I decided to waive a magic Juan" +"Did you hear the Islamic Militants are trying to infiltrate Rome. . now they will be Italian ISIS","- My dad yesterday in the car" +"What do you call a corny comeback","A-maize-zing" +"I once dated a magazine collector","Let me tell you,she had some issues" +"I finally got around to watching. Doctor. Who","It's about time" +"What kind of Bees produce milk instead of honey","Boobies" +"Dadjoked my dad, overheard him proudly repeating this one to family members","Someone knocked the dial in the fridge and everything froze, dinner was ruined for the next couple of nights and a lot had to be thrown out, my dad pulled a lettuce out and handed me it, saying: look at that, it's frozen to which my reply was what do you expect, it's an iceberg" +"Always give 100%","Unless you are giving blood" +"New dad here: nailed it at work today Walking with a coworker talking about my 6 week old son Miles: Coworker: Seems like Miles is progressing quicker than most at his age. He's got some good genes. Me: Good khakis, too. Not my best work, but again: new dad here","You gotta crawl before you can walk" +"Every horror movie about a doll is nothing but. A. Toy","Story." +"Never gets old. 😂😂 Son: Mum, Dad. Im gay. Mum: Looks at dad astonished. Dad: Clenches Fist. Mum: Dont think about it","Dad: Hi gay, Im Dad" +"I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick","🦍💄 It left her speechless 🤐" +"I was gonna do a carpentry joke","But I didn't know if it woodwork" +"What does a placebo say on Halloween. “Trick or Treatment. ” (Told to me by one of my stats students","I’m incredibly proud" +"What sport did Jesus play","Lacrosse" +"The other day my son asked me where pencils live","Pennsylvania" +"I dream of the day I have the opportunity to do this. http://imgur. com/hIfngKQ My dad used to always say that to me when I was younger, and it was infuriating","One day I will have my revenge" +"An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks. The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now. ' And they respond: 'Yes. ' 'Oui. ' 'Sí","' 'Ja" +"What do you call a male renaissance artist with a bowl of jelly","Michael and jello" +"A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer","The bartender says, I'm sorry, we don't serve food here" +"I planted my tomato plants too late this year","Now they're playing ketchup" +"What do they have for breakfast in earthquake zones","Panquakes" +"My wife was extremely pissed off by my poor sense of direction","So I packed up my stuff and right" +"I haven’t slept for 7 days. Usually","I only sleep for about 8 hours" +"A sandwich walks into the bar and orders a beer","Bartender says: Sorry, we dont serve food here" +"What kind of tea is hard to swallow","Reality~" +"What do you call a country based inside a car","An Incarnation" +"What did the butterfly say when it got attacked","I butterfly away" +"Have you seen the movie about constipation","Of course not, it hasn't come out yet" +"A man propose to a girl at a gym","Well let's say it didn't workout" +"No kids yet, but I have the dad joke thing down. My fiancee and I just found out there is asbestos in our apartment. My mom texted me and asked how I was doing after she found out. I texted back were doing asbestos we can. *drops mic* *exits stage left* Edit: corrected spelling of fiancee because I am a heterosexual male","Edit: holy shit this thread is spreading like cancer" +"Why should you never fight a dinosaur","You’ll get jurasskicked" +"What's a 1-legged person's favorite restaurant","IHOP" +"Dad, I'm bored","Me: I'm so bored Dad: Where's the hole in you" +"Talking about sleepytime tea. And how the smell of it helped us to get to sleep after all the years of drinking it before bed,. I said we should call the effect. Pavlov's","Smell" +"I showed up at the weekly Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting","but all the seats were already taken" +"I am pretty good at making an Earl Grey","It's my special tea" +"One fruit asked another fruit to get married in secret. The other fruit responded: “I’m sorry,","I cantaloupe.”" +"What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer","The taste" +"What is a pirate's worst nightmare","A sunken chest and no booty" +"Looking out our office window to watch torrential downpour, see a white haired, bearded gentleman who looked just like Santa getting completely soaked as he runs to catch a bus. Female co-worker: Awww. Poor Santa. He's getting drenched. Me: It's okay","Santa likes rain, dear" +"Doctor:Why is my waiting room empty. Judge: I’ve taken all of them to court","Doctor: You are really trying my patients" +"If anyone wants to come and talk about why my stuff keeps getting stolen","the door is always open" +"A have an addiction to maple syrup","I think I may have to join Eh Eh" +"Most vegans are pacifists","They don't want any beef" +"She laughed hard after delivering her strong effort Reads a 50% off Sign on a sushi restaurant","Sounds fishy harharhar" +"A man asked iron man how he maintains his body","He replied i-run-man" +"Dad Joke at a Diner **Dad gets short changed on his fried shrimp at a diner. He calls the manager over and the following exchange ensued:** **Dad:** I order this dish all the time, and today I noticed there's fewer shrimp than usual. **Manager:** I'm sorry sir, but we don't go by how many shrimp for the order, we go by the weight","**Dad:** Well, I waited" +"The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin","I guess he would have to start from scratch" +"What do you call a girl that looks like a hamburger","Patty" +"What do you call a snake that is 3. 14ft long. Piethon Credit : My son","I’m proud" +"How does the Israeli man make his beer","Hebrews it" +"Hey dad, could I borrow 5 bucks to get this thing I want","Sure, buckbuckbuckbuckbuck" +"Girlfriend's dad told said this a few minutes ago My girlfriend was making ovaltine since I've never had it (and I'm 26). She asked if I wanted whole milk or 2% milk with it, and I just said whatever's better","Her dad pointed to the red top jug and said, that will be a WHOLE lot better" +"Why did the Swedes and Norway put bar codes on their warships","So they could Scandinavian" +"My jar of Miracle Whip tasted funny","LMAYO" +"I have a playlist of songs from Eminem, The Cranberries, and the Peanuts","I named it The Trail Mix" +"My kid asked the bathtub, What's it like being a bathtub","It said, it's kind of draining" +"Discussing the future grandkids. Me: I pray that our future children have my husband's eyes","My stepdad: Oh no, I would hope they have eyes of their own" +"What did 0 say to 8","Nice belt" +"Do you know what a glucose guardian is","It's the gender-neutral term for sugar daddy" +"Libraries My dad and I were talking about info he needed for some woodworking project he was doing. This was in the late 90's and specific info like that still wasn't always on the internet. Maybe I'll just rent a book from the library. Dad, you don't rent books from the library, you *borrow* them. Huh. Well, maybe I'll start my own library where you rent books instead. It'd be a novel idea","That was 15 years ago now, and I still cringe (and then smirk) when I think of it" +"Always get my Algebra class with the last problem on the board The problem (or some part of it) will let me ask: How much is 5Q and 5Q. 10Q. You're welcome. Okay, one more problem","They fall for it three or four times per year" +"Potential date dadjoked me real good. Met this girl once. She seemed witty. Got an SMS in the middle of the night: Do obese amputees get custom made fat prosthetics. Or do they have to waddle around on little peg legs. I was sleepy, but smirked and couldn't come up with a suitable response: I dunno. Quick as a flash: So. you're stumped","She possibly had this in the bank ready, but still" +"I think my brother's wife is pregnant. The family was playing rummy and listening to Christmas music. Jingle Bells came on. Then my brother asked, Why is there soap in a sleigh. Rest of us: What are you talking about. Bro: The song said one horse soap in sleigh. Me: No. It's a one horse-- goddammit. I can't wait to be an uncle","maybe" +"My wife will make a good dad. We were driving around tonight and we went past a hospital for pets. Wife: I bet they help cats feel better there","They will be 'Feline better' after they leave Me: I'm so glad that I married you" +"I've still got it. My wife received a renowned mixer for Christmas. Today, she asked me to put some things in the kitchen. My response, Sure. Looks like after all this time you still need a","kitchen aide" +"As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself","this takes me back" +"My daughter was trying to feed her baby, but she wasn't having any of it and wouldn't eat any of her dinner. Try the Airplane. I said. Airplane. What is it","It's a classic spoof film from the 1980's but that's not important right now" +"Dad joked the wife today Wife: Study says second birth children more likely to commit crime","Me: Well I was only born once so I'm good" +"No one:. Literally","No one: 0 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9" +"Watching an indoor volleyball game with pops. One team hits it too far up and it touches a ceiling light. I say outside interference and he looks at me, points at the ceiling, and says with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye if anything that's an inside interference","I love my dad" +"Dad Joke Survivors (video) https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=p6_dJDPgac0" +"I've always been able to tell how much pressure is in a tire just by looking at it","I guess that makes me psichic" +"I always sing Radioactive by Imagine Dragons to my son on his birthday","He should feel welcome to the new age" +"What do you call corn in the military","Kernel" +"Why don't turtles have any hair. Cause they're too slow to catch them",">Hare: a fast-running, long-eared mammal that resembles a large rabbit, having long hind legs and occurring typically in grassland or open woodland" +"Dad joked my friend while studying She had just put her Mac (laptop) back in her bag and started looking for the food she brought. Her: I can't find my apple. Me: That's because you just put it in your bag","She refused to high five me after" +"My teenage daughter was walking around the house with her comforter over her head, wallowing in self-pity I told her sorry you're feeling down . She said I'm stupid","In other words, I won" +"In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do. The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see. The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign. Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself","The man shrugged and said, “My wife told me to stand here" +"Lessons learned from Star Trek: Nemesis","Always remember to backup your Data" +"Wanted to make sure the lady knew about the dent in her Tahoe She says oh yes I knew about it","I say Good, I wanted to make sure you didn't miss it No we, didn't miss it well clearly, you hit it pretty hard" +"I've recently gotten into watching a lot of foot porn","I just really love how they put their sole into their work" +"I told the doctor I felt like a deck of playing cards","He said he’d deal with me later" +"I saw a dude with a turban at the skatepark the other day","It was sikh" +"I hear it's tough being a triangle. They're always on edge","Should I be ashamed or proud this is a joke I heard about 15 minutes ago" +"The other day my wife asked to pass her lipstick","I passed her a glue stick, she isn’t talking to me right now." +"Where do cats go when they die","Purrrgatory" +"Dad joked the boyfriend and his family My boyfriend and his family are moving to a new house and were going through old boxes. They discovered several boxes full of linens","His Dad: wow this is a lot of sheets Me: is it a sheet load" +"Dad joked my father in law I was at my in laws this morning and some houses are being built in the next neighborhood. We were watching them work Father in law: boy, what do you think they make","Me: houses :D I feel like I just became a man" +"My daughter was watching Mickey Mouse when Mickey had this great jokes *Mickey is given a ladder* Mickey: This will surely give me a step up. She didn't laugh","I did" +"How does Moses make tea","Hebrews it" +"Im glad i dont have to hunt for my food","I don't even know where sandwiches live" +"I saw a deaf gynaecologist today","He’s a lip reader" +"Have you heard of Cole's Law","Scientists claim it to be considered, thinly sliced cabbage" +"Ever hear the joke about the monorail","It's a one-liner" +"My friends used to call me Mushroom . Because","I was such a fun guy." +"The force was with me for this one. At lunch with some coworkers yesterday and one of them made a pretty standard dadjoke (can't remember for the life of me what it was) so I responded with the standard you'd better check if your girlfriend is pregnant because you're about to be a dad. He then says not yet. Maybe I'm just a dad in training to which I reply ah, that must make you a dadawan","More laughs than groans for this one as most of us are big fans of this sub and star wars" +"I was drawing today. I was drawing today after school when my dad walked in What are you doing there. Says my dad I'm drawing a picture of my door frame","Sounds kinda sketchy to me" +"If prisoners could take their own mugshots","They would be called cellfies" +"My old high school Chem teacher's best Dad Joke He's a father of two and he's always enjoyed trying out his latest and greatest Dad jokes on the class, this one was my favorite. Every year when the weather finally gets warm theres always that one kid that decides to pull out the ol' muscle shirt and wear it to school. *Danny walks in class late wearing a blue muscle shirt* Teacher: Hey Danny, you got a string hanging out of your shirt. *Danny stops and looks around frantically for the hanging string* Teacher: Wait, never mind, thats just your puny arm. *Class groans* Danny never wore a muscle shirt again","" +"What do you call a dictionary that is a drug addict","Addictionary" +"What did the dog with 3 legs say to his mom","I miss my pa" +"What's funnier than a joke","A joker" +"Dadjoke scares toys'r'us employees. Today at the local toys'r'us with my SO and the kids. We approach two teenagers restocking the shelves from a pallet full of cardboard boxes. I hear one of them ask the other if she has seen the knife. The other says no, an I notice they're searching for it. As we pass i ask if they're looking for one of them retractable knifes. Her: Yes Me: I think i saw a kid running around with it over there *points with thumb over my shoulder Her:. *face turns white My SO: I'm sorry he's joking. Arrrg. 2rgeir can't I take you anywhere","Me: *snickering" +"My friend threw a milk carton at me. WTF,. HOW","DAIRY" +"Why did the pubic hair on the toilet seat, drown","It was pissed off" +"Classic I'd like to thank my legs for supporting me","My arms for always being by my side and my fingers, you can always count on them" +"I came across a tiny fish urinating. I asked its name and she said Elle","That's right, I saw Elle, a minnow, pee" +"I didn't come in first place at the science fair for my astronomy project","but at least I got a constellation prize" +"Have you heard about the rapper who got slammed into a prison cell","He's been spitting bars all day" +"A different kind of post https://futurefarmerslivehere. files. wordpress. com/2012/07/img_6613","jpg" +"I'm going to open a funeral home for clairvoyants","It'll be called Remains To Be Seen" +"Did you hear the joke about Orions belt","I give it 3 stars" +"I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper","To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit" +"what did the sock post on its tinder profile","Looking for a sole mate" +"I was listening to the song Stupid Girl with my son today","I turned to him and said, Man, the band that sings this song is Garbage" +"Me and my friend are looking for some salad jokes","If you find any lettuce know" +"I went to an auction today where they were selling a cheese grater once owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden","It was the grater of two evils" +"What happens to sick horses. They go to the horse-pital. Jk","They get shot" +"My kids give me hell about my dad jokes, but they are hard to come up with","The first one I told took nine months" +"I don't think I can trust my pillow","It's always lying behind my back" +"There was a sign in the restroom that said employees must wash hands","A guy asked the cashier what is he supposed to do if there's not an employee there to wash his hands..." +"Some people have commented that. I smell like coins","I tell them it's my natural cent" +"What do you call a cow that just gave birth","De-calf-inated 🐮" +"My wife got me with this one last week. Me: I think I'll go hop in the shower. Wife: When you're done hopping, are you going to wash","Like a boss" +"Dad making Easter dinner awkward We were talking about our cluttered houses and my Grandma said When Grandpa and I are dead and gone, feel free to get a dumpster. And my Dad responds Wouldn't caskets be more appropriate","Edit: formatting" +"Thanos has a favorite social media","Snapchat" +"Got my S/O Her: Ewwwwww oh my god they drew his blood. Me: Would you prefer they paint it","Ehehehehehe" +"I applied for a. Master's degree in. Sarcasm","But they wouldn't take me seriously" +"Got fired from the keyboard factory yesterday","I wasn’t putting in enough shifts" +"Did you hear about the new injectable drug named Blasphemy","It lets you take Christ's name in vein" +"Wife and. I got a flat tire driving back from the farmer’s market","I should have bought asparagus" +"My gf broke up with me due to my inability to express my feelings","Can't say I'm surprised" +"A dad in a book I'm reading The Fault In Our Stars by John Green ( /u/thesoundandthefury ) and in this book a girl visits a boys house. The boy introduces her as 'Hazel Grace'. She then answers 'Just Hazel'","The next time she comes over, the dad answers the door and says 'Just Hazel, nice to see you'" +"I told my dad that the. Doctor may induce my wife into labour tomorrow. My dad:","Oh, so 9 months ago she was se-duced and now tomorrow she'll be in-duced." +"I remembered a dadjoke from when i was young. In sweden we have this drink called Mer. which translates into More. I was sick and home from school drinking a mer. When it was out my dad popped in with a shit eating grin and said: Do you want some more","Long groan from me and mother" +"Biology teacher pun Teacher: How does Juliet maintain constant body temperature. Class: Ummm","Teacher: Romeostatis" +"Someone fell into the junk food section of the grocery store","The rest of the day they walked around with a chip on thier shoulder" +"Bro, can you pass me that leaflet","Brochure" +"Who won Asian Masterchef","It was a thai" +"At the Smithsonian Museum. Entering the Smithsonian museum of Natural History today, my 5 year old son screams, Dad there's an elephant in the room. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it and he said, No","If he only could appreciate how perfect that moment was for me" +"If Satan goes bald","There will be hell toupée" +"This joke came to me walking the dog near a pond. What do you call 2 contradictory waterfowl. A pairaducks. HA ha hee",";)" +"If we're going to fight the war on terror","a good place to start would be our country's haunted houses" +"Why was the teenage girl dancing with a jar","Because it was her jam" +"Did you hear about the stressed out alcoholic last night","He was in a pour mood" +"What happens when a frog gets in a wreck","It gets toad" +"I wish I could tell Dad jokes. but I never met the guy. And before you ask, yes, I'm Black","you bastard" +"I wrote a poem about communsim for english","I had to share it with the class" +"On my way back from Thanksgiving holiday, the flight had to make a slightly hard landing due to the crosswind. Then the flight attendant announces: Sorry for the slightly bumpy landing. It wasn't the Captain's fault, most definitely not the my fault. It was the Asphalt. The whole flight lost it","It was glorious :)" +"How does a clock communicate with small bugs","Tick talk" +"What did the pirate say when he turned 80","Aye matey" +"How did the magician make a candy bar appear out of thin air","He had a lot of Twix up his sleeve" +"My wife dad-joke'd me while I was showering. So I was enjoying my nice warm shower. She says Do you always take cold showers in the morning. I say, I'm not taking a cold shower. She says . yet , and pour ice cold water on me","I would've groaned, but I was too busy shrinking" +"Match made in Dad Joke heaven. Wife and I were at a buffet yesterday and we got to the booth with salad and fruit. I headed straight for my favorite fruit and said Don't mind if I honey-dooo. She looks straight at me and says Honey. don't and walks off","Jokes on her though, cause I had lots of honeydew and it was delicious" +"What Do You Call Slutty Potatoes","Tater Thots" +"They wanted us to use email at work, but. I couldn't. I guess. I'm just a","Slacker." +"What is a cow's favourite dance","The milkshake" +"How does NASA throw a party","They planet very well" +"Today I found out what Bill Nye’s formal name is","It’s William New Years Eve" +"A pregnant lady comes into the hospital screaming CANNOT. WILL NOT. The doctor takes one look at her and says She is going into false labor. The nurse asks How can you tell","No contractions" +"My son asked me if. I got a haircut. But. I said “no,","I got them all cut��" +"Which cat is the most delicious. Kit Kat (Works well spoken to the kids. Not so much when spelled out","Oh well" +"The shortest sentence is ‘I am","’ The longest sentence is ‘I do" +"I took my cat to the vet today","He was not feline well" +"I never know when I start dancing whether I'm going to drop down and do my signature move","It's a split decision" +"My bus driver is probably a dad. Woman: does this bus stop at Muiden","Bus driver: yes, but only if you press the button" +"What do printers put on their toast","Paper jam" +"You know what's really cool","Air Conditioning" +"What kind of sign do seals put out when the floor is wet. CAUTION. FLOOR. FLIPPERY. WHEN","WET." +"A shop assistant tried stopping an armed robber by attacking him with a labeling gun","Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head" +"Dad joked my barber yesterday. I was getting a haircut and the woman asked if I knew where Horse Neck Beach was. I replied right below Horse Head Beach","Cue her disapproving glare" +"I texted a friend to tell them I was sick. They replied, Did you send this from your sickbed. I responded, No, the bed is fine","I'm the one who is sick" +"Why do dads drink milk when they’re happy","Because they’re in a good MOOOd" +"I asked my dad when most airplane accidents occur and he said","When they hit the ground Edit: I also told him that when we are in the air it feels like swimming and he said that that is exactly how the Malaysian flight felt" +"What gender pronouns does a chocolate bar use","Her/she" +"Me: is that a phone in your back pocket. GF: yeah, why. Me: because I think that ass is calling me","*I always get her*" +"A Dad joke my Dad approved of. At dinner with my gf and my parents. She mentions she's never seen Friday the 13th. I said; We could always just see the sequel","'Saturday the 14th'" +"A guy walks into a bar and is hit in the head with a drink. People were wondering what part of the head but I'm thinking","surely, temple" +"The Farmer's son destroyed his father's scarecrow","And that was the final straw" +"My dad wants to know if i need a ride http://m. imgur","com/gallery/N34g1kT" +"A slice of apple pie is $2. 50 in Jamaica and $3","00 in the Bahamas Those are the real pie rates of the Caribbean" +"What is an Acorn","In a nut shell, it's an oak tree" +"I tried to pick up soup at the market today","But they were out of stock" +"Got my daughter with this one over dinner tonight. Daughter was telling my wife about how excited she was that one of her favourite Kpop bands dropped a new single today. I asked her if it broke","Groans and glares were had" +"A girl I ran into at a vegan restaurant said that she knew me","But I never met herbivore" +"My wife told me she was constipated","I told her she was full of shit" +"What do you call a deer that eats pickles","A dill doe" +"What kind of murderer has moral fiber","A cereal killer" +"Tried Indian food for the first time. They recommended the Chicken Pakora appetizer, but I was having none of it","For me it was a Naan starter" +"What did one plate say to the other plate","Dinner is on me" +"What does a hurt cat say","Me-ow" +"I asked my dad if he had ever grown a beard. I tried once, he replied. It was a very religious beard. At this point my mom looks over at me and starts to roll her eyes, even as a reluctant smile creeps at the corners of her mouth. She's heard this one before, perhaps many times","It was holey" +"Velcro","What a rip-off" +"I’ve got a great joke about a pizza. But I can’t tell you","It’s too cheesy" +"What snacks are served at mental asylums","Nuts" +"I tell this groaner every year While discussing new years resolutions with the kids, who are both very technically inclined. > Youngest asks, What is your new years resolution this year. > > Me, I have to check, but I'm pretty sure it's 3840x2160","> > Both groan, oldest complains that I'm intentionally missing the point of the question Edit: (And they've both heard this same joke the last 3 years in a row)" +"What numbering system do restaurants use for their orders","Dinary" +"Why was the janitor always in the bathroom","He was stalling" +"I have a joke about a flat tire. But","I'll spare you from it" +"Who is a lumberjack's favourite director","Tim Burton" +"Highway dadjoked my girlfriend We were driving down the highway just outside our city, and where we live they had to blast through a lot of rock to build this highway","My girlfriend, looking at one of these rocks we drive through asks: 'I wonder how they got the rock to look like that me: well it's simple, they were e'road'ed she didn't speak to me for the rest of the trip" +"Why did the grim reaper have an eyeball phobia","Because they dilate" +"Did you know diarrhea is hereditary","It runs in your Jeans" +"I've recently developed an irrational fear of elevators","I am now taking steps to avoid them" +"Somehow my wife puts up with my humor. Eating dinner with my wife: Me: Did you hear that one direction broke up, evidently it's causing quite a bit of drama. Wife: Yeah, I did hear that, but boy bands can't stay together forever. Me: Well yeah, eventually they have to become a *man* band","Boy did she groan at that one" +"I complained that I felt like a pair of curtains","when my friend convinced me to pull myself together" +"So, my youngest son was pestering me for candy at Party City one Halloween. I gently told him No at least 6 times, and finally we were at the register. My wife was checking us out, and he asks again. Me: Son, if you ask for one more piece of candy, I'm going to go *back in time* and take away the candy you had yesterday. He stopped asking. My oldest son looks at me defiantly and says, Okay, do it to me. { thinks for a second } Me: Fine. Do you remember that Snickers bar you had yesterday. Oldest looks confused and says, What. I didn't have a Snickers bar yesterday. Me: Exactly","I pat him on the back as he processes, and we exit the store" +"Watching something on laptop. Just about to watch something with dad on my laptop. Me :. I will take control. Dad:. Ok,","I will take rest of the keys" +"I am grateful for Gravity","It keeps my head out of the clouds" +"My friend Dina invited me for a hot air balloon ride and I agreed right away","I always wanted to see a Dina soar" +"Green Apple Red Apple There is 1 green apple and 1 red apple on a table. How many of them are green","All of them, except the red one" +"I hate. Russian dolls","They are to full of themselves" +"Did you hear about the guy who cooked a burger in the lab","He called it a bunsen burger" +"Three old men were at the doctor’s for a memory test. The doctor asked the first old man “What is two times two. ” “194,” came the reply. The doctor turned to the second old man. “What is two times two. ” “Thursday,” replied the second old man. Finally the doctor addressed the third old man. “What is two times two. ” “Four,” came the reply. “That’s great,” said the doctor. “How did you get that. ” “Simple,” said the third old man","“I subtracted 194 from Thursday" +"I asked the barber to cut my hair like elvis","He swung his hips, sang hound dog, and shaved it all off" +"How do you teach a cat to behave","You start from scratch" +"After I had bent three nails in a row with my hammer","My dad said Screw it" +"Lights out lying in bed. My wife just made this up: Which jokes are historians allergic to","AntiHistoryMemes" +"So a man sees his pastor at a liquor store on Sunday. A man sees a priest buying hard liquor on a Sunday at a shop down the street from the church the priest is the pastor of. Surprised, the man, who went to that church, asked why he was buying a 5th of Jagermeister. The priest said, it's an old catholic secret that Jagermeister helps ease constipation, which one of the nuns has. So the guy shrugs and leaves, only to see the priest later that day, not halfway back to the church, drunk as a skunk in the gutter, tipping the brown paper bag with Jagermeister in it all the way back as he drinks it. He pulls up in his car and asks, I thought you said it was for a nun's constipation. The priest grunted, It is. She's going to shit herself when she sees me like this","I'm posting this, my grandfather's joke, in honor of him passing a few months ago" +"When Arnold Schwarzenegger retires, I hear he's gonna take a part-time job","As an exterminator" +"Made my coworker hurt from this bad joke My coworker and I were talking: Me: You will definitely get your project done. Him: Word. Me: some lame-ass comment acting like I'm still 12 Him: No, I was meaning the Microsoft kind. Me: You really 'Excel'-led at that joke. It was on 'powerPoint'. (Emphasis on point, not power)","He groaned, and went back to work" +"What did the better staircase say to the lesser one","You need to step it up" +"Wife just texted me my tooth hurts WIFE: My tooth is killing me. ME: You should definitely go get that checked out before it gets worse. WIFE: Yes, I know","ME: Well, sometimes the tooth hurts" +"I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out","I just came to that realization." +"I'm boycotting all track and field events in the Olympics","They're race-ist" +"Have you heard of the man who survived the electric chair","I was shocked but he wasn't" +"What marine creature consists of 2 sodium atoms","2 Na" +"Why did the chicken commit suicide","To get to the other side" +"Joke my 4 year old came up with. What did one pilot say to the other","Who’s flying this thing" +"I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger","And then it hit me" +"What is female Woolly Mammoth called","A Woolly Mommoth" +"Why was the moneylender single","He was alone shark" +"The urge to sing the lion sleeps to night is just","A whim away a whim away a whim away" +"My Dad was renting a car My Dad was in the process of renting a car at the airport when the agent asked if he wanted to upgrade to Sirius™ radio. Without skipping a beat, my dad responded: No thanks, I think we'll stick with the lighthearted radio today","It went right over the agent's head" +"When rabbis perform circumcisions they don't get paid (NSFW)","They keep the tips." +"What did Sideshow Bob study to figure out how to kill Bart","Bartending" +"My Grandpa's 88 and still gets us My cousin came in from a long trip to visit for christmas and the got to talking: Cousin: How are you feeling Grandpa. Grandpa: Still with my hands","I lost it" +"What's the difference between a piano, fish and glue","You can tune a piamo, but you can't tuna fish" +"Why is there a fence around a cemetary","Because people are dying to get in" +"I told my dad there was a bat in his toilet. Dad:","Is it using toilet paper?" +"2 bros talking. Bro. Yeah Bro. Bro can you pass me that pamphlet","Brochure" +"What is a pirate's favorite letter. The 'R', of course. , you might wanna say","though his first love was the C" +"What did one unemployed sensei say to the other and employed sensei","They took our jabs" +"Dad dropped this killer during a game of Rummyking. We were having a family game of Rummyking and dad was having a great game, getting rid of a lot of his tiles","When mum complained that she had too many to deal with he looks her dead in the eyes and goes: **I bet you're getting *tiled* of this" +"Last month I launched a book aimed at children","I’m pleased to say I hit one of them" +"Why do vampires love to bite necks. Because they are neck-romancers","Alternatively: They are in to neck-rophilia" +"I was talking to my son a while ago and I thought","Why the hell did I name my son “A while ago”" +"Can anyone help me out. I was caught stealing hearing aids","And given the deaf penalty" +"Sprite. Sprite. Sprite. Got my daughter this morning, she came into my room and asked for a drink. I asked her what she wanted and she said Sprite. Sprite. Sprite. 'Well honey, we don't have Sprite. Sprite. Sprite. , but I could get you a regular Sprite","She's 3, so this was hilarious to her" +"What do you get when you multiply milk and cheese","A dairy product" +"I come home to my girlfriend watching tv. I ask her what she's watching. She says Reba . I respond, Do you know what the Spanish version of this show is called. No, what. AREBA","" +"Mom was telling us about Papa John's. So my mom brought up that she's been seeing Papa John's commercials for their garlic knots, and how they now have cinnamon knots too. I said we should try them next time we have pizza, when dad hit us with this: Let's get knotty","I haven't laughed that hard at the dining table in a very long time" +"Never try to fight a dinosaur","You’ll get Jurasskiced" +"Why did the lion spit out the clown","Because he tasted funny" +"Got my wife with wine pun I was drinking wine with my wife, and she asked me if it was good, to which I responded: It's grape. groans Why are you wine-ing . groans intensify Want me to put a cork in it. facepalm desk Vine, I'll stop","She then pun-ished me with no more wine" +"Why did the blind man fall down the well","Because he couldn't see that well" +"Why did the nun become addicted to sewing","It was habit forming" +"I tried jumping off of a cliff yesterday","I don't think he was up for a grown man jumping off his shoulders." +"Just Let That Sink In http://i. imgur. com/JcIDXL9","jpg" +"A woman goes to the doctors with a piece of lettuce sticking out the top of her underwear","The doctor says, that looks nasty the woman replies that's just the tip of the iceberg" +"I've been trying to think of a Pink Floyd pun","but it's beaten me, I've hit a wall" +"Talking with my friend and his dad. My friend, his dad, and I were in the car today talking about video games. Friend: I can't wait for GTA V to come out for PC. That'll be the day. Dad: Well, it'll *a* day. Me: *ugh,* Are you always waiting for opportunities like that. Dad: I'm not always waiting, I'm dad","Face palms were everywhere" +"Can you call me My dad just asked me to call him, he had loat his phone, so i proceeded to say dad","He said yes, i said dad louder, he said yes i yelled dad, he got annoyed and said yes and mid sentence his face went from mildly annoyed to laughing" +"My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away","I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill" +"Did you hear about the guy who buried his wife in the wrong cemetery","He made a grave mistake" +"I’m a kleptomaniac","Sometimes at night it gets so hard i have to take something for it." +"I like my coffee like I like my women","Then the lid came off the cup ,I spilt coffee in the car and my wife says topless" +"Every time my dad tells this it gets just a little more elaborate. But this is how I remember it. Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis. The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend. Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife. For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers. On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46. Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars. Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place. Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken conclusions: 1. he has to share the winnings with his friend Artie 50/50, and 2. His bitch of a wife ain't gonna let that happen. Paul decides to share this epiphany with Artie and the two of them sit down to figure out this problem, and after about a half hour the only conclusion that they can come to is Paul's Wife has got to go. Artie being the good friend that he is tells Paul that he is willing to take care of the little problem himself, Artie never really liked Paul's wife anyway. But Artie being the legal genius that he is wants to have some assurance that Paul is still gonna follow through his side of the plan and wants a contract. Paul agrees and pulls out the only piece of paper in his wallet, a one dollar bill and Pays Artie to off his wife. And they come up with a plan. 40 min later the 2 of them drunkenly stumble through Paul's front door only to find Paul's wife up in the living room. She immediatly starts yelling WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN. WHY ARE YOU SO DRUNK. on and on she yells until finishes with WELL IF YOU TWO ARE SUCH GOOD BUDDYS THEN YOU CAN SLEEP TOGETHER FOR ALL I CARE. and slams the door to the bedroom. They both look at each other, smirk, then immediately pass out on the couches. The next day Paul awakes to find Artie gone, Artie knows better then to be found on the couch by Paul's wife in the morning. Paul wakes with the biggest hangover that he has EVER experienced, but Paul knows that this day is this is the first day of a new life for him. His wife of course is in her typical mood, but Paul placates her all day with yes, dear , Of course, Dear , I'll get right on it Dear. All the while feeling like crap. That evening Paul puts his plan into motion and he begs his wife to go to the Safeway to pick up some pain killers and pepto for his still lingering hangover. Because he has been soo compliant all day his wife reluctantly goes. Little does she know this is the last shopping trip she will ever make. Paul quickly texts Artie It's a go . While Paul's wife is shopping in the Safeway Artie sneaks into the back seat of Paul's wife's Car and waits for her. When paul's wife finally gets done with the shopping and gets out to the car, Artie pops up from the hiding place and grabs her around the neck and starts choking her to death. At one point Artie thinks to himself this is taking way longer then it does in the movies. All the while she is violently twitching and struggling in the front seat. Eventually she succumbs to the strength Artie built up over all those years of construction labour. Little does Artie know, but the store manager 35 year old Freddie has seen everything happen on the security cameras and has called the cops and ran outside to try to stop what Artie has done. Yet Freddie arrives just a little too late, in fact just as Artie is about to make his escape. Artie, realizing that he has been seen by this guy running towards the car knows that he has to do something to get away, so he sprints to Freddie and with one swing knocks him out. Artie then full of fear and panic gets on top of Freddie and chokes him to death as well. Unfortunately for Artie and Paul this gives the police time to arrive and Arrest him","The next day the paper lands on Paul's doorstep with the headline Artie Chokes two for a dollar at Safeway" +"Some people hate vegetarians","but personally, I have no beef with them" +"Arthur's Dad http://i. imgur. com/wUWBCGL","jpg" +"“Hey, son. How’d you get out of Iraq","” “Iran" +"Seems like reposting has become pretty popular here, so. I'm just gonna go for it. My yard looks so much better now that","I've finally fixed that fence" +"Kids wanted to watch a new anime, so I suggested. Kid 1: Let's watch -*Japanese name of some anime*- Kid 2: No, let's watch -*Japanese name of some other anime*- Me: Let's watch Supphomi. Kid 2: What the hell is Suppho. (*realization dawns*) mi","Me: NOT MUCH HOMIE, WHAT THE HELL 'SUP WITH YOU" +"Did you know the people in Dubai don’t like the flinstones","But the people in Abu Dhabi Do" +"Why are vampires lousy at baseball","Because their bats always fly away" +"Had some dental work done today. Dentist gave me the anesthetic and asked how my mouth felt","Just swell" +"When you work at a restaurant, you're humor gets dumbed down to dad joke level. So, my table was ordering their drinks and the father of the table ordered by saying, I'll have a coffee and a water. Black please. I responded, we don't have black water here, sir","I am still ashamed" +"Helen Keller Institute Coworker A: “. then I was at the Helen Keller Institute. ” Me: “The Helen Keller Institute. I’ve never seen or heard of it. ” Coworker B: “That was horrible","” Me: “but necessary”" +"Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon","No, but a good eye might" +"A friend asked me once Where do you think The Four Horseman get their horses","I said Probably from the Gaits of Hell" +"I met a hiker the other day","It was all uphill from there" +"My Mom just stumped me with this one. Me: I know a good Knock Knock joke, but you have to start","Mom: Knock knock Me: Who's there Mom: Who's there who" +"What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo","Ones quite heavy, the other is a little lighter" +"I love onions so much, that. I cry whenever","I have to cut one." +"This Dad. Juust in time for Xmas decorating ,or how to get out of it. https://imgur","com/gallery/yjl3w" +"What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend","He wiped and flushed" +"Feeling pretty proud of myself. Feeling pretty proud of myself","The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months" +"A gal at work declared I don't know whose nuts these are but I'm eatin' 'em","I shot back Just don't let 'em cashew" +"My son bumped his head on the bunkbed. I thought I handled it pretty well. How did you do that. It isn't raining, let alone pouring, and you aren't an old man, nor were you snoring. Also, why are you telling me now","I thought you weren't supposed to get up until morning" +"Okay dad. really. http://i. imgur. com/EG9gF7u. png","I've been helping him build his shed when I can, it's actually looking nice, and the nail-gun is pretty badass" +"In college, I had trouble making friends until I came up with a foolproof plan","I started telling girls, “I love you,” and their first reaction was, “Let’s just be friends" +"Today at the zoo >Dad: Why do elephants have trunks. >Me: I don't know, why",">Dad: Because they would look strange with a glove box" +"Destroyed my wife yesterday with this dad joke Wife: Look at my hands. They're getting wrinkles. I'm old. I bet my ovaries are just shriveling up as we speak. Me: I don't know, I think you're. ovary-acting","Wife: [long pause and sigh] I deserved that" +"My Dad Showing Off Both his Mental and Physical Reflexes Last night, my dad was opening his mail. As he opens one of the envelopes, out falls a check. Quickly, he bobbles it for a split second, then grabs it before it falls on the floor. I saw this happen and chuckled","My dad looks at me and goes, Phew, I thought for a second that the check was going to bounce" +"I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm","I might have to deal with him later" +"Heavy penguins","Sorry, I thought that'd break the ice" +"What do you call a southern lumberjack","A tree feller" +"I was at the aquarium the other day. Staff members told me that the dwarf seahorse was quite small","I didn't skip a beat, stating yeah, he's a bit shrimpy" +"My Father: “Hey look at that henway. ” Me: “Where. what’s a hen way","” My Father: “About 3 or 4 pounds”" +"The cat knocked a cup off the table","I think she did it on purr paws" +"How do you call a guy that hasn't body and nose","Nobody knows" +"Gave my kid a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday","I got you an exbox just like you wanted." +"If a pregnant woman goes swimming","Does that make her a human submarine?" +"Why is there a fence around the cemetery","Because people are dying to get in" +"So a 7 year old girl had surgery yesterday She said: I had my tonsils and adenoids removed. I said: sounds like you meant to say subtractnoids. P","I’m 23" +"Got a silent stare from my wife with this one I grabbed some pulled pork out of the fridge to make a sandwich, and my wife says: That's disgusting","That pork is over a week old I said: I thought you loved Jurassic Pork" +"Why was the zookeeper fed up with the panda's antics","Because he kept causing pandemonium" +"My first post in here http://imgur","com/F5LhxQB" +"My dad has just discovered memes. He said to me: What's Dat Boi's favourite form of social media","Oh shit, WhatsApp" +"My dad on my husband taking the BAR exam Passing the BAR isn't hard","I pass the bar every day on the way home from work" +"This guy came up me to trying to sell me invisibility cloaks. I saw right through that scam","It’s not a product I could see myself wearing" +"What has two legs and bleeds a lot","Half a cat" +"Why do ducks have tail feathers","To cover their buttquacks" +"My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right","&#x200B; (yes, probably a repost)" +"Why was the printer playing music","Paper kept jamming" +"The police arrested a demon last night","They got him on possession." +"My sister developed a thing for tiramisu My sister bought some desserts for the family and we asked what she got. Sis: I got tiramisu cake, tiramisu pie, and tiramisu flavored ice cream. Me: Wow, you really like tiramisu. Dad: Yeah, I think you have a tiramissue. I was quite impressed by that and the speed with which he came up with it","Proud of you dad" +"The cow went to war","But he didn't know what was at steak" +"What did Yoda say when he broke Luke's VCR remote","Become rebel without a pause you have" +"What do cowboys use to find their way at night","Saddle lights" +"Don't be worried if you don't know the postal abbreviation for. Oklahoma. It's","OK." +"A midget psychic escaped from prison","Police were seeking a small medium at large" +"My wife and I had this giant argument about which vowel is the most useful","I won" +"I just watched. The. Nun","It was nunsense" +"Dad joked my German class today Teacher: So how do you make the lady dative. Me: You have to ask her out first","*entire class groans*" +"Are you counting. ', they asked. No","I am preTENding" +"I just caught a glimpse of my wife wearing her sexy underwear. This can only mean one thing","Today is laundry day" +"What do you call a duck who teaches. A quackematician","My nine year old told me this, claims he made it up, I’m amused yet slightly skeptical" +"What’s Captain Hook’s least favorite App","TikTok" +"What did the apprentice executioner say to his boss after two weeks on the job","I think I'm getting the hang of it" +"My dad likes pickles in his pizza crust","Such a weirdough" +"This is top secret","This is bottom secret" +"Every Time I have lost an item. I'll ask around to see if anyone has saw it. Example: Me: Where's my phone. Dad: Your Phone. (In a very promising tone) Me: Yes. (Relieved) Dad: Don't know","(Troll Face) Every goddam time" +"I really like how the earth rotates","It makes my day" +"Dad joked my friend today. Friend: My phone won't pull up your address Me: Turn right on Slaughter, then right on Westgate, then right on my street. It's easy. Friend: Well, those are some simple directions","Me: Eh, they're alright" +"This one was real sweet My wife was making pancakes and she asked me to get out and warm up some maple syrup. As I started looking around for a receptacle and method to warm it up, she said: W: Didn't we get a little pourer. Me: Gosh no, I think our overall income has gone up, why","Sad Trombone: Sad Trombones" +"Talking to a dad about his recent move, come out with this beauty. Me: So i heard you shifted house. Friends dad: Yeah, it was a moving experience","We both laughed in hysterics for about 5 mins" +"When building a computer for my Dad I show my dad the motherboard. He then proceeds to call the GPU the fatherboard because it inserts into the motherboard. I called him inept. He said call me dad","**groan**" +"Went to ask my girlfriends father for permission to marry He replied: Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving. I said: Hi leaving I'm John","The wedding is next month" +"Meat my dad He comes home from work and lays this one on me. Dad: Hey, joshduffy, where do poor meatballs live. Me: I don't know, where","Dad: The spaghetto" +"What do you call a Jewish man who's not very basic","Hacidic" +"The ACLU is filing suit against Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, and a number of other social media sites","Apparently, they all have a long history of profiling" +"Got my girlfriend while playing Fallout 4. Her: What's that thing. Me: Oh, it's a mirelurk. They're like giant lobsters. Her: It seems pretty mean","Me: Yeah, they're shellfish" +"Why do cows. Why do cows wear bells on their neck. Turns out, their horns don't work","Bwhahaha" +"Why does Santa has such a big sack","Because he only comes once a year" +"The pig mascot of the local college's male social organization died, so they decided to sell its meat","They called them Frat Brats" +"I get Dad Joked by this one far too often. Me : Dad, what time is there","Dad : [Looking at watch] Its time for you to get a watch Every time" +"A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff","Baa-Dum-Tss" +"So, I talked with my mechanic today We chatted a bit about work, and I asked him if he liked being a mechanic: Yeah, but at the end of the day, I feel like I've been through an engine","I'm exhausted" +"I just watched an amazing documentary on aircraft frames assembly","It was riveting" +"What do I know about carving wood","Very whittle" +"What do you call wind in the desert that makes fun of you","DaRude Sandstorm" +"Parallel lines have so much in common,","It’s too bad that they’ll never meet" +"What did the wig say to the head","I got you covered" +"Did you hear about the boot camp for nymphomaniacs","It was fucking in-tents" +"Do you know what the worst part of being a garbage man is","Work always piles up" +"Got my own dad yesterday during fireworks My dad, my brothers, and I have been at our family farm (we don't live there) for the weekend of the 4th. Last night we were outside shooting off fireworks, as any real American does on the 4th. About 50 feet in front of the house is a 4 foot high fence. My dad discovered that one of the cracker launchers we had fit perfectly in the upper part to launch the crackers into the air at an angle. Always the cautious one of the bunch, I responded to his idea: I dunno dad, I'm on the fence about this one","Naturally, my brothers congratulated me on how lame my jokes were and told me to go inside and make more hot dogs" +"I'm dead inside Dad: Hey son. Can you take out the trash. Son: No, I can't","But the trash can" +"Two fishes were in a tank","Other said: How do you drive this thing" +"I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake. ” I said, “Oh come on","Not you too" +"How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb","Just 2, just don't ask how they got in there" +"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh","Ten tickles" +"Did you hear about the guy who's left side was cut off","he's all right now" +"Overheard today while costume shopping: Look at these invisible man costumes","Points at empty rack" +"I asked my dad what he thought Reddit was","He said yeah “It’s what a frog says when they turn the page”" +"Once upon a time there were 3 bears","Now there's lots of em" +"So I'm a new dad, but I think I'm doing this dad joke thing right. I'm a newly minted dad as of three months ago, but I've been practicing my dad jokes for years. In other words, I'm great at bad puns and face palming humor. I gathered with a group of friends to see an old friend who we hadn't seen for a while. She was telling us about her new boyfriend. After saying that he was a cop, and also a culinary student I quickly quipped: So he really does Protect AND Serve","Followed by a big new dad grin" +"My dad said it's Pi day You know, because it's 3/14 today","But don't celebrate it, it's *irrational*" +"I was going to tell you a joke about. Social. Security","But you probably won't get it." +"What the Mexican firefighter name his two sons","Hose A and Hose B" +"Yesterday at Easter dinner my dad made the entire family groan. My grandma asked my brother, So have you gotten any chances this semester to study abroad. My dad stepped in and said, Oh don't worry","He's been seeing two girls this semester" +"One of my cows just took up boxing","I call him Moo-hammad Ali" +"last night, my wife dramatically ripped the blankets off me","Don’t worry i’ll recover" +"I used to think there was nothing I could do about being lob-sided without expensive surgery, but was advised to put ab extra in-sole in one shoe, so","I stand corrected" +"My stepdaughter needed the WiFi password for her friend. I didn't hear back after I replied. http://www. imgur. com/yr1AUu2","png" +"A dog can't read an MRI","But catscan" +"I fetched a pail of water and ate a whole KFC family meal to myself","So that's two things I can cross off my bucket list" +"Dad dropped this one on us while at the mall *drives past JCPenny* (A clothing store) Dad: Ya know","With all this talk about inflation you think they would change the name JCPenny to JCNickel" +"What’s an ideal name for a Vietnamese-Italian fusion restaurant","Pho-get about it" +"What did the elephant say to the naked man","How on earth do you breathe through that tiny thing" +"Which size bra holds the most salty water","A sea-cup" +"I just called GameStop Customer Service. They asked me to please Hold","💎🤲" +"“Incontinence Hotline","” Please hold" +"How does Reese eat her ice-cream","Witherspoon" +"My dad had a job at Dollar General a few years ago. Shortly after he was hired, regular customers started to take notice of him. Someone asked him, are you new","My dad answered, no, I'm about 40 years old" +"Trees. My retired mother picked up a part time temp job doing environmental work just to keep her busy. She had been planting trees all week and I was talking to her about it while dad was nearby. Me: so where have you been planting trees, mom. Dad cuts in out of nowhere: in the ground","duh" +"Did you hear about the Italian chef who died. He pasta way. We cannelloni do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Sending olive my prayers to the family. His wife is really upset","Cheese still not over it" +"This is me in a nut shell. Help,","I'm trapped in a nut shell!" +"I think my friend is secretly a dad. Friend #1: I'll bring buffalo dip. Friend #2: How do you make buffalo dip. Friend #1: Well you need Frank's","Friend #2: (interrupting) Make them walk under a bar" +"My wife thinks that one day, I’ll be a brilliant father, but I’m not convinced","And neither are our children" +"my dad at thanksgiving I would like to thank my arms, for always being by my side. My legs for always supporting me and my fingers","because i can always count on them" +"Can a cardboard box","No, but a tin can" +"What do you call it when a waiter brings you the wrong meal","A server error" +"What does Sean Connery call a greedy crab","Shellfish" +"Me: I need a doctor's appointment. Receptionist : How about 10 tomorrow. Me: No thanks","I don't need that many" +"oh, your house number is 747. so I'm really interested in this girl, and she wanted to watch a movie with me at her place. I ask for her house address and the conversation is more or less this: oh my address is 747 blah blah blah st. I didn't know you lived on a jumbo jet. That was awful. I know I'm sorry I was way out of line with that. It was a pretty plane and Boeing joke. I'm glad your feelings aren't up in the air about it though","I might have heard a groan from twenty miles away" +"If you are not right behind","you are left behind" +"Han Solo was very depressed when his son went to the dark side. All his friends were wondering","Why’s Han so low" +"I saw a sign at a roadside stand that read, ''Lobster Tails £1. 5 so I stopped the car, walked over and handed my money to the proprietor. He looked me in the eyes, took a deep breath and said","Once upon a time there was this lobster" +"My dad was supposed to be at the gym, but I found him on the couch watching TV","He said he was Extra-sizing" +"While I was at school the other day. My dad pulled this shit on me Dad: did you hear about the kidnapping at school today. Me: WHAT just now. Dad: It's okay. he just woke up. Followed by me recovering from a little panic attack that ensued and calling him an idiot","He did good though" +"What do you do if you are addicted to seaweed","You seakelp" +"Son: Dad, was this all an April Fool's prank","Dad: No, it was just a normal prank" +"I used to work in a calender factory, but I got fired . because I took a few days off. Also, did you hear about the man who stole a calendar","He got 12 months" +"My wife said the lawnmower wasn't working So I went to the garage and started it up","She said, Well, I guess it takes a big jerk to start it" +"Dad: Vowels make me angry Son: Why","Dad: Only sometimes" +"I'm thinking of getting a job at a mirror factory. It's something","I can really see myself doing" +"The past the present and the future walk into a bar","Let’s just say it was tense" +"A lion would never drive drunk","But a Tiger Wood" +"What do you call a bear with no teeth","A gummy bear" +"Hear about the new corduroy pillows","They’re making headlines everywhere" +"My Dad was buying us snacks at Disneyland. It was raining heavily, we were all wearing our ponchos, and my Dad was grabbing some snacks at one of those stands. The cashier informed him of the total amount due, and with a credit card in his hand he asked, do you take plastic. The cashier responded with a yes and he proceeded to hand her part of his poncho. He looked towards us with a massive grin as the cashier stood perplexed","He looked more proud of himself than I've ever seen him" +"Did you hear about the doctor who got so angry she attacked a lab worker","To be fair, he'd been testing her patience for months" +"What kind of currency do astronauts use in space","Starbucks" +"Did you hear about the frog that robbed a bank","I guess you can say he Kermitted a crime" +"Why is one floor in the building taller than the rest","It's a long story" +"what kind of place handcuffs you while you eat","ARRESTaurant" +"Dad's version of the local news Dad: So I heard that two guys drowned in [random town] this morning. Me: That's horrible. What happened. Dad: Apparently, they were in a kayak and they lit a fire which caused it to sink. Me: . that doesn't sound like a good idea","Dad: Yea well, it just goes to show you can't have your kayak and heat it too" +"Did you hear who's bouncing back","Boeing" +"Student with a cast on his arm walks in to class and says “I can’t write with my right hand today. ” I ask, can you left with your left hand. Many students gave me props for the dad joke. One student said I sound like their dad","While I have no kids of my own, I’m glad I get to practice my dad jokes on my students" +"A Father's Day card your dad will truly appreciate http://imgur","com/a/LENyj" +"Bathroom Dadjoke Dad: Did you hear about the woman who, instead of calling her bathroom the john, called it the jim","She said that it sounded a lot better to say that she went to the jim this morning" +"We all know who's the real enemy of capitalism","the lowercases" +"First class humor on my flight today. I fly pretty extensively for work and sitting on planes gets real old. Sitting behind me a dad (actually grandpa) talking about his lack of leg room. He says to me, I tried to turn left (as in to go to first class) but they wouldn't let me. I respond, Right as in to show agreement. He looks me dead in the eye and says, No, left. and starts cracking up","I subsequently lost it as well" +"How many Dragonball Z characters does it take to change a lightbulb","Just one, but it takes two episodes" +"Recently getting into the habit of flossing. I'm the only one in my immediate family that flosses at all and the other day I was explaining to my brother what the benefits of flossing are: Me: I've read that a lot of the damage that plaque does to your teeth can be prevented by flossing, it only takes about a minute every time too, so there isn't really a big reason not to do it. My brother: Oh really, is that your flossophy","I would have groaned louder if I wasn't so goddamn impressed" +"How much does a soda cost","They're a couple bucks a pop" +"My wife locked me outside the house because she got sick of my terrible wordplay jokes","I texted her Oh pun the door" +"DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my. Who. DAD: Uh, I can't remember. I think her name was Reese something. MOM: WITHERSPOON","DAD: No, it was with a knife" +"You should never run with scissors","They should always be stationery." +"Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight","Blue sky at night: Day" +"Do you know what forwards spelled backwards is","Backwards" +"Hey, How do you cut Rome in half","🤔 You use a pair of ceasars ✂️" +"What do you call an Australian Soap show about horses","Neigh-bours" +"Dadjoked, Appropriately, by My Dad Dad: *indistinguishable whispering* Me: What. Dad: THEY HAVE FREE HEARING TESTS","DO YOU NEED ONE" +"Why didn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie","Because he was too Far Out, Man 🤙" +"With great power comes","A huge electricity bill" +"What did one plate say to the other","Dinner is on me" +"I can’t believe my wife named our son. Left without consulting me. It ain’t","Right!" +"I tried cleaning my glasses with ketchup today","In Heinz-sight, it was probably a bad idea" +"What do you call a cop standing on dog poo","Officer on doody" +"What did the damsel say while trying on a dress","Should I be in dis-dress" +"If you wear cowboy clothes","Are you ranch dressing" +"I just passed a girl on the street carrying a set of golf clubs","And she got pissed off when I asked her if she wanted to play a round" +"My son ask why we used a pie pan to bake a pie","I told him so that it would come out pie pan hot" +"Been too sick (flu) to give my son his daily doses of dad jokes. (Son wanting to be amused while I'm writing around with a terrible case of flu. ) Me: I'm sorry, buddy. I'm dying here. Son: If you die, who will tell me stupid jokes. Me: I'll come back from the grave to torture you with stupid dad jokes. Son: Like a zombie","Me: Like the pun-dead" +"My Dad Caught Me By Surprise Today I was telling my dad how I was disappointed because I got a haircut last week and at this point it was barely noticeable","He comes in and says I guess your hair is going to great lengths to cover it up I didn't think he had it in him" +"Dadjoked my GF today GF asked me to get her a glass of water and added Make sure you let the tap run for a while before you fill the glass. *20 seconds later I returned* Me : trinners4winnersGF, I'm having a bit of a problem with the tap Her: What. What happened. Me: Well I let the tap run like you said but it ran away","Amateur compared to some of these on here, but nothing feels better than hearing the groan for the first time" +"My 7-year-old laid this one on me today. When asked the question, What came first, the chicken or the egg the boy stared out the window for a few and came back with. I don't know, dad, I can't crack that one","He had no idea why I was laughing so hard" +"What are the strongest days of the week. Saturday and Sunday","The others are weekdays" +"Greek Yogurt Pun While talking about how one of my students is Greek, my brother snarkily asked Like the yogurt","My response was Yes, she's very cultured" +"My dad banned me from saying Hell , so I asked: Have you thought of any alternative names for hell","He said: I heaven't" +"Pie Dough My wife was making some pie crust from a new recipe and said, This is the one pie crust to rule them all","Naturally I replied, Oh, is that the Fro-dough" +"I had abstinence only sex education when I was in high school","It was called Dungeons and Dragons" +"What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut","A barber queue" +"What do you call an insect born without a mouth","A mutant" +"What did one piece of pumpernickel say to the other","Gluten tag" +"No matter how we pitched the human organs to the other team, they'd swing and miss","They didn't even bat an eye" +"when does a duck wake up","at the quack of dawn" +"Had colonoscopy the other day and laid this one on the doctors while waiting to pass out: I'm gonna put you guys down in my resume as references","You are the only people who really know me inside out" +"It’s a personal rule of mine to never tell jokes about sausages","They’re just the wurst" +"What’s the most effective way to write a murder mystery","Bullet points" +"I was wondering why music was coming from my printer","Apparently the paper was jamming" +"Don't leave me hanging Was rock climbing at the gym with my brother yesterday and we saw a girl struggling to make a move. Her friend yelled for her to put her left foot into the nook by her knee, and I suggested that she put her right foot into the Kindle","Nothing but bewildered looks" +"(At target) Look mom, a Dory ball","I didn't think it was that cute" +"Before my operation, my doctor gave me the option to be knocked out with gas or a boat paddle","It was an ether/oar situation" +"Priest got me today. Background: My priest and cantor came to bless my house today. Afterwards, we were talking a bit and he made a pretty funny joke. I laughed and said That's a pretty funny dad joke. His response: That's Father Joke to you","Cue the eye roll and forehead slap from the cantor" +"Dad I'm cold","Dad - Go to the corner, it's 90 degrees" +"The doctors found a mole on my arm in the shape of a reindeer","Turns out I have skin prancer" +"There's a nudist convention in our town next weekend","I might go if I've got nothing on" +"What did. Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive","Someday my prints will come" +"What did Spock find in Captain Kirk bathroom","Captains Log" +"Dad Joked my wife yesterday Lately, my wife is feeling self conscience about her weight. Wife: This is literally the biggest I have ever been","Me: If it makes you feel better, this is the oldest I have ever been" +"so","I opened my fridge and old thanksgiving leftovers fell out let's just say they hit the ground cold turkey." +"9. Months really isn't that long","It just feels like a maternity" +"What’s a communist’s favorite thing to measure time with","An our-glass" +"What are the 10 letters of the pirates alphabet","I, I, R, and the seven C's" +"I tried dating a worker from a bowling alley","But he couldn't keep his mind out of the gutter" +"No sausage for me please . I have a serious phobia","I always fear the wurst" +"What is an automobile's favorite pet","Carpet" +"People say filling animals with helium is wrong","Okay, whatever floats your goat" +"Got dad joked by my 22 month old daughter My daughter was having some trouble eating pasta with her fork tonight, so I said to her that it was okay to eat with her fingers. No, she said with a cheeky grin","Eat with mouth" +"What's orange and sounds like a parrot","A carrot" +"The dog has been having an issue with constantly looking like it's shivering lately","I'm worried it might be Barkinson's" +"What do you call an illegally parked frog","Towed" +"I wrote a book today","A book" +"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh","Ten tickles" +"Bee-a-u-tiful Chatting with my friend. Me: Did i tell you about my friend who's an exterminator. Friend: No Me: Yeah he's not really a proper one though, he only deals with like bee and wasp hives. Friend: Oh right, cool Me: Yeah I don't really like hanging out with him much though, he's a real buzz killer","" +"The secret service isn't allowed to yell Get down. anymore when the president is about to be attacked","Now they have to yell Donald, duck" +"Dad: “son when you are planning a career you must think yay or nay”. Son: “Dad that doesn’t make any sense”","Dad: “I’d rather make dollars than cents”" +"What's brown and sits on a piano stool","Beethoven's final movement" +"Me to Girlfriend: I luv u","Girlfriend: I luv u2 Me to Girlfriend: What’s your favorite album of theirs" +"The second floor bathroom was closed for service today","Now the first floor bathroom has double doody." +"Where does a pirate keep his buccaneers","Under his buckin' hat" +"Got my wife while folding clothes. I was doing the laundry yesterday while she was at work. After the pants came out of the wash I found $70, which had to have came from her pockets. She came home and asked if I took her money out of her pants before I washed them. I told her no and handed her $60. She asked where the last $10 was, and I told her it was a laundering fee","Unfortunately, that joke was not worth the ten to her" +"I am ashamed to admit the following occurred during project management training today: We had begun a section on 'change management', and to prove his point, the facilitator challenged us to try to name one thing that does not involve change. I proudly shouted out A CREDIT CARD. He looks at me and asks, A. credit card. I reply, Yes. There is no change when paying with a credit card","" +"Walking next to my Mom yesterday. My brother and I aren't super tall by any means (both 6'1 ) but we tower over my 5 5' mother. So last night, after going to my other brother's choir concert, we were walking back to my car. My brother turns to me and says hey /u/Devchar96, let's pretend we're as short as Mom. He then crouch walked. My response. Nah, I won't stoop to that level. I'm so proud of myself guys","I feel like I'm finally qualified for Dad-hood" +"why did the scarecrow win an award","he was outstanding in his field" +"Did you hear about the lesbian poet","She's considered a cunning linguist" +"At breakfast. Son : Dad, could you make me an egg, please. Dad : No","I love you the way you are" +"People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven","People told him he was deaf, but did he listen" +"What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle","Attire" +"To the man who stole my Microsoft Office account","I’m coming for you, you have my word" +"Knock knock -Who's there","-Doctor -Doctor Who" +"This sub is great and all but I have wanted to say this for a long time now","This" +"I haven't figured out how my telescope works yet. But","I'm going to look into it." +"I entered a contest, and won the grand prize. It was a year's supply","Of calendars" +"A brunette asked her blonde friend why she seemed so sad, she said I'm really upset because my cat lost his tail","The brunette said, well why dont you take it to Walmart, it's the largest retailer in the world" +"What is the title of a person who is in charge of a furniture company","The chairman" +"I should have known what I was getting into when I went to a Dad Rock show While the dad was taking out his guitar pick case before he started the set he said this to the crowd. You know what a musicians best friend has been for the last 30 years. The art of the [pick pocket](https://images-na. ssl-images-amazon. com/images/I/41hLuUPOjML. _AC_UL320_SR314,320_","jpg)" +"Hey dad what does nihilism mean","It's not important" +"They asked who was my favorite vampire I told them that it was The Count from Sesame Street. They told me that he doesn't count","I assured them that he certainly does" +"Have you ever tried eating a clock","It’s so time consuming" +"Forgive me. Father, for. I have sinned when","I should have used cosine" +"I asked my North Korean friend how things were in his country currently","He said they couldn't complain" +"I keep a spare grilled tortilla with cheese sandwich in my fridge","It's a just-in-quesadilla" +"I love playing PS4 and PC games, but now i find myself enjoying the new Nintendo games","I guess I'm switching it up" +"My son is ready to become a father We are packing for a weekend out of town Me: Make sure you pack your toiletries Son: Dad, we don't even have any seeds. Me: Seeds. Son: For the toilet trees. Me: Nice","::High Five:: Wife and Daughter: *Grooooaaaan*" +"Dishwashers My sister was filling up the dishwasher and asked me Is it safe to put this here. What","A whisk I wouldn't whisk it" +"What was the first thing 50 Cent did when he landed at Heathrow","50p eed" +"Ernie would make a great dad http://imgur","com/a/cgsCv" +"Cs:Go Why do terrorists wear sunglasses","&#x200B; &#x200B; So they dont get DE\_Dust\_2 their eyes" +"Watching a paraplegic swimmer on the news last night. Me: I wonder how he manages to swim without legs","Dad: They should change his name to bob Me: *throws up*" +"You know what vitamin is the most helpful for eyesight","Vitamin See" +"Why are horses so contrarian","Because they're neighsayers" +"I've just written a song about a tortilla","Well, it is more of a rap really" +"How was Jesus about to retire from carpentry at such a young age","Because Jesus saves" +"Talking about Ellen Page coming out as a lesbian. Dad- Of course she's an actress. They're all thespians","" +"What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who has run out of supplements","No Whey Jose" +"Why can't a bicycle stand up on its own","Because it is two tired" +"Three woman walk into a bar","The fourth ducks" +"What do you call a dog with no legs","You can call him whatever you like, but he's not going to come" +"ALL candy: $1. 00 So my Dad see's a child and his Dad selling candy outside of a hardware store with a sign that reads ALL CANDY: $1. 00 My Dad then walks up to the kid with a dollar and says I'll take all your candy, please. Both Dad's have a hardy chuckle as we walk inside","He didn't even buy any candy" +"Want to hear a joke about a pizza","Never mind its to Cheesy" +"A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic paintings of the Ford F-150","He’s a pickup artist" +"My girlfriend and her younger sisters (21 and 9) were adopted by lesbian parents. I'm going to be the only dad joke source in their lives and it's a big responsibility that I take seriously. Any suggestions are welcomed","For the youngest siblings recent 9th birthday I put 9 dollars in a block of ice (had to bribe a local butcher shop to let me put a cooler in their freezer, worth it) But I need some long term ideas, because I intend to show this family with a lack of dads the full scope of dad jokes" +"How did the computer eat its supper","In megabytes" +"Basketball joke I was playing basketball with a couple friends and one of them made a shot and said that's a three . I responded with that's a two. He said OK a two . At this point I felt every fiber inside of me jumping for joy at the opportunity and answered with a grin so wide it could be seen from space Bless you","Groans were had by all" +"How did glue win the marathon","He paste himself" +"My SO and I were at the movies last night. And I bought her M&Ms for a snack. The movie is letting out and we are sitting there talking. Her - ugh the M&Ms are melted. I begin to tell her M&Ms history about how they were made so soldiers could have chocolate without the worry of them melting. Her - but the shells are sweaty yeah how else do you think they stay cool","She literally just got up and left while I was sitting there laughing my ass off" +"My grandpa got me with this one today. I then proceeded to get my little brother with it. Grandpa: What's the one thing cats have that no other animals have. Me: I have no idea. What","Grandpa: Have you ever seen a giraffe have kittens" +"Why did the coffee file a police report","It got mugged" +"2 monkeys are sharing a bath #1: ooh Oeh ah ah","#2: oh sorry, is it too hot" +"If your left shoe was a Pokemon, what would it evolve into","A Raichu" +"Eating Greek cheese kind of turns me on","I must have a feta-ish" +"What happens when you eat Aluminium foil","You sheet metal" +"Liquor","I barely even know her" +"Did you hear about the group of duck psychologists","They were flocking quacks" +"Why is it OK for an ice company to commit a fraud","Because their assets are already frozen" +"I have been preparing for this moment Wife: oh I pulled out steaks for Dinner but forgot you won't be home","Me (Dad to be in Nov): That's ok, Missed Steaks are made" +"The look on my wife's face was priceless. My 5 year old stepson was sitting next to my wife on the couch, and a devious idea crossed mind. I called the boy over after a quick Googling and showed him the product of my search. He asked what it was, and I promptly told him they were boobies. I looked at the wife in time to see this amazing look of terror wash over her face. Still shocked, he says, Hey Momma, want to see some boobies. He grabs my tablet and shows her a picture of the most beautiful, soft looking blue footed boobies I could find","Her initial shock quickly turned to laughter and I was satisfied" +"What is a susuages favourite toy. A","Barbie" +"A man killed his lifelong friend","Hes now charged with homiecide" +"What's a Boeing employee's favorite time of day","7:47" +"When drinking spirits, it’s important to be responsible","Otherwise you’re decisions could come back to haunt you" +"What kind of shoes to kidnappers where. White Vans","I found this, thought it was great" +"Got my Mother on Mothers Day Her, my father, and myself were sitting around the table doing breakfasty things. She asks: You're going to be around all day since today is Mothers Day. right. I replied: I guess so","Since you're always around on Sonday" +"Why is Ziti such a cheap meal","It only costs a penne" +"My son said he never wants to leave the house","I didn't even know they were dating" +"Dad on Christmas Eve Dad: I went to this zoo the other day. It only had one animal, a dog. It was a shih tzu","This one is performed best when spoken aloud" +"My dad fell on some cake yesterday. He said the most dad joke ever","Hey everyone, desserts on me" +"They should replace relay batons with clocks","It would be a great way to pass the time" +"Four Arms So me, my sister and dad were discussing about our weird dreams. My sister was talking about the dream where she was a cat. She told us how real her tail felt and how useful it is to balance a cat's body when it runs. I then butted in with my dream. Me: In one of my dreams, I had four arms and it felt awkward at first but then I got used to it","Dad: But you already DO have forearms in real life" +"What did the hat say to the tie","“You hang around here…I’ll go on a head" +"Flies Back when I was maybe 14, I was sitting out on the front porch of my grandmother's house with the guys, AKA my cousin, his dad/my uncle, and my dad. It was wickedly hot and there were a few annoying flies buzzing around. We were just sitting quietly, taking in the afternoon. Out of nowhere, my uncle, a big guy with a deep, gravelly voice says, Time's fun when you're having flies","The rest of us were in stitches, it was so clever and dumb at the same time" +"My wife was wondering what her breast milk tastes like, so she asked the baby. And he told her","Umami" +"A colleague just accidentally dropped a dad joke. Was stood around with a few colleagues waiting for a meeting to start and the topic of watches came up, this is when one of them dropped this zinger. I used to have a nice watch but i broke it a couple of months ago. I want to get it repaired but i just haven't got the time","I don't think he realised what he said until after but it gave me a good chuckle" +"I went to an appleholics anonymous meeting","It was a fruitless endeavor." +"My brother flattens boxes for work","He makes exboxes." +"what's the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants","one is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean" +"I tried to belch on demand. But","I just didn't have it in me" +"My friend asked me, “Why are there duck stickers all over my safe”","I told him, “Because it’s un-quack-able”" +"I dadjoked my boss today. He didn't see it coming. So I work retail and I was restocking shelves on a hardware isle with tools, doohickeys, and thingies. He was walking and talking with a new boss (training him and such) when they stopped at my isle. They didn't really notice me so it was perfect. I picked up a stud finder and hit 'em with a classic. Hey guys check it out. It's a stud finder *Runs it over chest* Beep beep beep. Oh hey it's working. My boss had a few chuckles and the other guy said something about it being stupid but smiled anyways. Me","I was laughing my ass off" +"I want to open a place that makes Indian flatbread in a smoker","It would be a naan smoking restaurant" +"I have some jokes about unemployment. But","I don’t think they will work" +"Mountain ranges aren't just funny","They're hill areas" +"Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom","Because the P is silent" +"My cousin has a crippling, irrational, fear of being beaten up by Mexicans","so his doctor gave him medication for Hispanic attacks" +"Why I'm leaving /r/dadjokes I'm tired","I'm going to bed" +"My Great Grandad knew what was going to happen to the Titanic. He told everyone he could and you know what they did","Kicked him out of the Cinema" +"Saw a friend at a 4th party with her dog, hilarity ensued. She was holding a small female. Shitzu and my friend wanted a picture with her and her dog,. I snapped the pic and my friend says I got my picture taken with two beautiful women to which she replied Oh my dog is only 4 months old . Without hesitation my buddy says Well. I guess the makes me a. PET ophile then . Many. LOLs were had,","Ive had to listen to him tell this story 50 times since hehehe" +"What blood type do happy people have","B Positive" +"The bigger the turkey got, the more the others avoided him","eventually with no friends, he was ostrich-sized" +"My dads a butcher Customer- Do you sell dog bones","Dad- No, we aren't allowed to cut up dogs" +"I was getting some keys made today They made an extra by accident, but didn't charge me for the mistake","All I could think was, Whoa, freaky" +"Whats brown and sticky","A stick" +"A whopper of a joke So just now my Dad was looking through the local takeaway menu because I was heading over the shops and he wanted something to eat, so he finally decides that he wants a burger, hands me a £5 note and says It'll be about 3 pounds to which I responded That's a lot of food, you sure you don't want a quarter-pounder instead","Unfortunately I was the only one chuckling to myself" +"I told my girlfriend I was making a car out of spaghetti. She told me to grow up and stop being an idiot","You should have seen her face as I drove pasta" +"I was gonna make a joke about my dick","but it's probably too short" +"Who is the least acidic baseball player of all time","Al Kaline" +"SOMEONE. PUT. A. PICKLE. IN. MY. GLASS. OF. HAWAIIAN. PUNCH. I guess it's a","TROP-PICKLE" +"Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships","So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian" +"What do you call someone who doesn’t believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster","Antipasto" +"What do you call a cow with a halo Holy cow","Tell me your best holy cow jokes" +"How do you make holy water","You boil the hell out of it" +"I can't wait until. I'm 37","I'll really be in my prime." +"19 and 20 got into a fight","21" +"My wife left me becauae i'm so insecure. no wait, she's back","She just went out for coffee" +"My husband noticed that in the new Spiderman movie, he seemed to leap around and be a lot more acrobatic than in previous movies","I said I guess you can call him Peter Parkour" +"Have you heard of the new movie constipation","It hasn't come out yet" +"My Pop has been dropping this one on my friends for years now. What did the acorn say when he grew up","Geometry" +"Where does a mansplainer get his water","From a well, actually" +"How do you know if road advertisements are authentic. They are always signed","*Credit goes to my young nephew (future dad) William*" +"Have you heard of a Bialy. Its half bagel, half muffin","It's a hybread" +"How do you weigh an assassin","In Killergrams" +"Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache","Then I tried it feet first" +"Every morning I tell my kids how important it is for them to stay in school","And yet, every afternoon, they come back" +"My hobby is catching flies","When I am bored, it helps the time fly by" +"My friend. Vera knocked on the door. Aloe","Vera." +"My wife bet me I couldn’t make a good joke on this thread [She lost the bet](https://www. reddit. com/r/dadjokes/comments/auohdh/a_good_joke/","st=JSLASMP2&sh=c5844473)" +"Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford Comma goes to a bar","Both of them had a great time" +"Proud dad moment. my 8yo daughter secretly made me a birthday card yesterday after I put her to bed What did the grape say to MisterB78","You’re such a grape dad" +"I asked my son if his doughnut was Chewy. http://imgur","com/a/0ruvH" +"I've got this awful disease where. I can't stop telling airport jokes","The doctor says it's terminal" +"I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row and now I feel a little sick","Must be the high Mercury content" +"Why are Chemists good Psychotherapists","Because they always have a good solution" +"I wanted to start gardening but. I have a problem","I haven't botany" +"I asked one of the nurses how long I had left. She said, I don't know, doc","Depends when you started your shift" +"I sold my vacuum cleaner today","All it was doing was collecting dust" +"To save his business, my butcher is trying an experimental process where he gives his cows magic mushrooms before slaughtering them. Let's just say","the steaks are high" +"My wife got me good. I cooked us a very nice steak dinner that made my wife proclaim how glad she was that she married me. I said,”Yeah think of all the steaks you wouldn’t have had","” She fired right back with,”That would have been a miss-steak" +"What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in","Japan" +"How do you keep bacon from curling in a pan","You take their little brooms away" +"From The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams “You know,” said Arthur, “it’s at times like this, when I’m trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I’d listened to what my mother told me when I was young. ” “Why, what did she tell you","” “I don’t know, I didn’t listen" +"Got my sister good Me: if you could take two people fishing with you, who would it be. Sister: I don't know, my housemates probably","Me: that's nice, id take 'annette' and 'rod'" +"Dad: Then, God told Moses to come forth","and Moses came in Fifth and was disqualified" +"Who does Polyphemus hate more than Odysseus","Nobody" +"If you lick the icing off a spoon","Are you defrosting it" +"I saw Michael Stipe from R. die last night, but so far only two people know","🎶 That's me and the coroner 🎶" +"Why can you always trust a leopard","Because it's not a **Cheet**ah" +"What does a vegetarian zombie eat","GRRRAAAAAIIIINNNNS" +"Wife Dad Joked Me (no kids) Set up: We were walking down a trendy street and I noticed a priest inside a bagel shop. Me: That priest is pretty hip. Her: You know why he must like their bagels.","Because they're Holy" +"A man killed his wife with some luggage and was instantly found guilty","It was a briefcase" +"Why did it take so long for the chicken to cross the road","There was no eggs-press lane" +"My daughter got engaged to a Russian guy and her wedding is in a few weeks","I’m just really worried about the Soviet Union" +"Cemetery I was driving in the car with my dad as we drove past the cemetery: Dad: I wouldn't mind going and having a look at the cemetery one day. FeudWithFiddy: Why would anyone want to do that. Dad: But FeudWithFiddy","people are dying to get in I laughed, and felt bad about it later that evening" +"So my girlfriend must be half dad. Walking around. San","Francisco today, we see some yellow caution tape blowing around and she says Well, someone threw caution to the wind....." +"Dad jokes at the crab shack So my dad and I went to a local crab shack. I got a crab that I couldn't actually open, so I was sitting there with the hammer just smacking it repeatedly. The waitress comes over and asks Ya having a little trouble with that. Dad: It seems he is","Luckily we aren't paying for the crabs by the pound" +"Why are skeletons so calm","Because nothing gets under their skin" +"I Walked Right into This One. http://i. imgur. com/w05FSsL","jpg" +"Teenage flat earthers","So edgy" +"Today my son asked, “Can I Have a bookmark. ” I burst into tears","11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian" +"My company just hired a new janitor","We're expecting sweeping changes across the organization" +"Why was the farmer in the mood for some 80's soft rock","He was haulin' oats" +"Julius Caesar walks into a bar. He says, “I’ll have a martinus. ” Bartender asks “You mean martini","” Julius Caesar replies “If I wanted more than one, I would have asked for it" +"I didn't say my ex-wife died,. I said","I have a latex wife." +"Did you hear about the cat that married the glove","They had mittens" +"Who is the patron saint of email","St Francis of a CC" +"Dad joked grocery store manager My mom, my wife, and I were at the grocery store (smith's in Albuquerque) when we walked by the red box in the entrance. We decided to look for a movie when my wife asked my mother if she saw the movie Gravity (with Sandra Bullock). my mom said no it wasn't very interesting looking. I couldn't help it and asked so you're saying it didn't. pull you in. The store manager was walking by, heard my amazing joke, and couldn't stop laughing","Greatest moment" +"How do you get blood orange out of your shirt","Send in a crip orange" +"It all","The title says it all" +"Why did The conservative get rid of his alarm clock","Because every morning it wanted him to get woke" +"A disreputable friend of mine became a florist","It sounds like a seedy business" +"Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus. they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale. The salesman asks you're not looking for a fancy one","The second Pharaoh says no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth" +"The waitress came over and saw my leftovers and asked, do ya wanna box for that","I responded with, no, but we can arm wrestle any day" +"My friend and. I went camping and bought each other bug spray","Guess you could say we got each other off in the woods" +"Tomorrow is the day","Santa makes his presents known" +"Clairvoyance. To wife and her friend yesterday: I can tell the future, know how. (In I-have-a-stupid-joke-voice),,,,pause. I have six cents . pulling out a nickel and a penny from my pocket. Wait, it gets ~~better~~ worse: pulled out a piece of paper with the word *groan* on it","Sometimes you have to set things up" +"How do Muslims like their desserts","Allah mode" +"Told my kids I had eyes on the back of my head. https://imgur","com/fHMZkrB" +"Did you hear about the banana that was a prosecutor","He won the conviction, but slipped up on appeal" +"I'm having trouble organizing a Hide and Seek League","Good players are hard to find" +"Hey did you ever hear about the psychic that only gives you good news","It's The Happy Medium" +"Invisible Tape https://i. imgur. com/7up2Pzz","jpg" +"My friend asked my daughter, How old is your father. As old as me. she replied. He laughed and asked, How can that be","She said, Well, he didn't become a father until I was born" +"How do birds learn to fly","They just wing it" +"Friend's dad in response to car troubles Friend's mom was talking about the high cost of her BMW's repair. It was $1,500. For the freon. Friend's dad Well nothing's fre-on a BMW","The two of us doubled over laughing; no one else caught it" +"The first day of the year 2222 is a","TUESday" +"What do you call an alligator wearing a vest","An investigator" +"I struck a bargain today","I punched a 2 For 1 poster" +"What do you call a pile of cats","A meowntain" +"What's a dentist's favorite hymn","Crown Him With Many Crowns (credit to my dad for his amazing sense of humor and terrible dental hygiene)" +"How did the ant serial killer cleanly dispose of his victim’s bodies. He dissolved them in antacid","Ba-dum… *tsss" +"Why did the boring man switch to a mushroom diet","He was trying to become a fun-gi" +"Dadjoked the boyfriend Boyfriend was telling me about wanting to start up wood working as a hobby. Boyfriend: Maybe I can make my own stool. Me: Babe, you make your own stool every day","Cue his groaning" +"My backyard is like an Adam Sandler movie","Not much of a plot" +"Who's the opposite of Usain Bolt","You insane nut" +"My Dad just won this year's Cyber Monday Dad Joke http://i. imgur. com/HyijC2g","png" +"Why can't t-rex clap his hands","Because he's dead" +"I was stuck on a crossword the other day, with a word for a postman's sack. 'How many letters were there","' There were loads in there" +"What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman","You can unscrew a lightbulb, but you can't un-screw a pregnant woman" +"My wife got me a hideous leather jacket, but I don’t mind wearing it","I’m easily suede" +"heard this and i just had to share. To whoever stole my antidepressants,","I hope you're happy now" +"Bad medicine This an old one. One time I was sick when I was a kid so I went to see a doctor, who happened to be my aunt. Anyway, after I'm done I meet up with my dad in the waiting room. Me: Looks like I got a throat infection, Dad","Him (looking at prescription slip): I know, I see she's prescribed you some AUNTI-biotics Groaned all the way to the pharmacy" +"What happens when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac","Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog" +"My favorite element is helium","I can't speak highly enough of it" +"What did the scientist say when he discovered 2 isotopes of helium","HeHe" +"What genre are national anthems","Country" +"Why does Beethoven detest chickens so much","Whenever he asks them who their favorite composer is, they always say Bach" +"I've never been a big fan of buoyancy","but whatever floats your boat" +"What is a tennis pro's favorite chocolate","Federo Roger" +"My son tried to change the time","But not on my watch" +"Dad, why do we only have Life cereal","Because you can't live without Life" +"I saw a. German man squat down the other day to pick something up","He was krautching." +"What do you call a pope that always pays you back","Paypal" +"My doctor is the master of dad jokes I wasn't feeling well and I suspected some intestinal blockage to be the culprit. Naturally, I made an appointment with my doctor. I'm in the treatment room waiting when he comes in. Doc: Not feeling well huh. What do you think it is","Me: I'm not sure but I've had weird bowel movements I think it's blockage Doc: I don't believe you Me: wut Doc: you're lying to me Me: no seriously doc I'm blocked up here Doc: I know, you're full of shit" +"I was showing my father this subreddit on my phone but then. I dropped it","He told me these dad jokes are really getting out of hand." +"The painting was found guilty","and hung the next day" +"Brother got me in the car","We were driving in front of a target truck and he said better watch out we got a target on our back" +"Why did the chef need to see a therapist","Because he had a lot of truffles in his life" +"I find it really hard to trust staircases","They're always up to something." +"What do you use to tie a macaroni necklace together with","String cheese" +"Calling all DadJokers. Hey there. I'm an avid dad joker, and it looks like within 24 hours I'll finally be a dad myself. Throughout the pregnancy, I've had a blast making jokes about womb temperature, and ultrasounds making her a womb with a view. Now is where I need your assistance. I've been expressly forbidden from making any jokes during the labor process, which means I am of course going to make jokes","Got any great pregnancy/labor/new baby jokes" +"What do you call sunglasses for a raccoon","Ray-B's" +"American children are kind. But","German kids are kinder" +"Due to my workout plan, the last thing. I want to do is cut off protein. Unfortunately,","I have to clip my fingernails and toenails fairly regularly" +"Dad dropped this in the car My sister was telling a story about how zoos raise cheetahs and dogs together and therefore the adult cheetahs would take their cues from the dogs. When the dogs are calm, the cheetahs are calm too","To which my dad says, That sounds like cheeting to me" +"My kids wanted to wear their princess dresses to a Disneyworld park, but didn't know which park would be best","I told them Epcot, so they would wear their dresses to the ball" +"My policy on hyphenated names","I draw the line after one name." +"Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair","It was booby trapped" +"What makes more noise than a T-rex","two T-rex" +"Dad Joked when I was 10 and didn't get it for years. When I was about 10 years old, I saw an advert in a magazine for Sanitary towels. I asked my Mom if we could get 'em for the bathroom. I was clueless about their real use and figured the extra absorbent towels would be great for drying hands. Needless to say she just about died laughing. When she eventually stopped laughing, she just said to ask you father . So I did. He said, No, son, without batting an eyelid, They're too damn expensive. Period. My mother actually died laughing at that","They still enjoy telling the story more than a quarter of a century later" +"Vet told me to open my mouth wide and say ahhhhh","I said why He said because your dog just died" +"A convict escapes from prison wearing paper towel shorts","He’s now got a bounty on his head and his ass" +"My two daughters smacked their heads together on accident tonight. I guess you could say it was a meeting of the minds","I have more, but my wife started ignoring me after the fourth joke" +"I had this whole joke ready about birds, but I forgot it","Guess I have to wing it now" +"My mate told me about his secret spot to catch the most amazing fish","It was a red herring" +"I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker","But when I got home, all the signs were there" +"Why does the Italian pasta maker always get locked out of his house","because he has gnocchi Ex post from /r/jokes got exiled to dadjokes" +"Why does a duck have tail feathers","To cover his butt quack" +"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh","Ten tickles" +"Do you know what cows say when they sled down a hill on their back","Woo" +"I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off","I guess I was stoned off my ass" +"I'm reading a book titled The Stockholm Syndrome","I hated it at first, but now I love it" +"My two-year old's first dad joke. Him: Mommy, I want cookie. Mommy: Can you say please. Him: Yes","\#prouddadtears **Edit** Sorry for the messed up hyphen in the title" +"Sphere jokes","I recently came up with a joke about spheres, but decided to discard it since it was missing a point" +"Did you hear about the pirate who had a sword he only used on women","It was a cut-lass" +"People are always asking me to lend them money","Forever a loan" +"This sub in a nutshell https://i. imgur. com/TknqbmG","jpg" +"A woman is giving birth to her 7th child","The doctor asks the father you come here often?" +"I told /u/porichoygupto's Dad joke to my wife and kids via text, my wife's response was perfect. (Link to album in the text box. ) I'm getting some good mileage out of this joke. Thanks /u/porichoygupto . [First. ](https://i. imgur. com/oKdLp8s. png) [Second. ](https://i. imgur. com/SJxm38W","png)" +"Why does Dora the Explorer love chip credit cards","There's no more swiping" +"This is Gold","Au" +"How did I escape the Middle East","Iran" +"Finally submitted a dad joke to the right subreddit. [Here it is](https://www. reddit","com/r/right/comments/5bpc5l/a_dad_joke/) Thanks /u/TomBaiRaise for the insperation" +"I’d like to be a millionaire just like my father","He wanted to be a millionaire too" +"Dropped this one on my bartender. Bartender brings me a new ice tea with a lemon in it. I pull the lemon out and scrap off several seeds. Look at her and say I think this lemon might be a spy","there's something that seedy about it" +"Got my son's surgeon today pretty good. My infant has a pretty flat head, when I took him to the doctor's office to get a referral for a helmet to shape his head, they asked what his name was. I told them, Well, his name is ___, but we like to call him Phillips to encourage him. I got some truly authentic guffaws, and my dadjoke confidence rose a bit","I feel like I may be getting the hang of this" +"Did you hear about the two Native Americans who were best friends","They say they were tipis in a pod" +"What makes Dracula a great sub in the bedroom","He can't come inside without your permission" +"You shouldn't watch any horror movies today. It. May,","Fri 10 you." +"What did the student say when his teacher asked him to use geometry in a sentence","A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said Gee, I'm a tree" +"What did one flag say to the other flag. Nothing","It just waved" +"Did you hear about the 2 guys that stole a calendar","They both got 6 months" +"Who will take the second shot in the snooker match","Find out after the break" +"Do you think dry erase boards are amazing","Because I think they're simply remarkable" +"Where the heck have you been for the last 2 hours. I went to have my hair cut. But . You're on company time","Well, my hair grows on company time" +"I burned 400 calories this morning","My Pop Tarts got stuck in the toaster" +"Why teddy bears don't go to the gym","They don't wanna get ripped" +"Where Should We Eat: Dad Edition Happened yesterday afternoon. Friend: Where do you want to eat. Me: I don't know, wherever. Friend: How about the place down the block, the new deli. Me: Sorry, I think that's in India","Both: * *commence screaming* *" +"Said while in a sauna (from Seinfeld I think). Man it's like a sauna in here","Gets laughs every time" +"Where do you take somebody that has been injured in a Peek-a-Boo accident","The I" +"What do you call a Swede that doesn't like modern music","Bjorn in the wrong generation" +"How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb","2, but I don't know how they get in there" +"My job as a doctor didn’t work out","I just didn’t have the patience" +"Stop living in the past. https://imgur","com/gallery/rwKODQg" +"9 months isn't that long","It just feels like a Maternity" +"What cereal makes fun of you but doesn’t mean it","We tease" +"Would you like to hear my favorite haiku","^coo" +"I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired cia agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in paris","Turns out that idea was Taken" +"What do you call a man who never tutes in public","A private tutor" +"I wanted to go for a ride early morning. But my bike didn't feel like it","It was two tyred" +"I lost a boxing match with a pirate","He had a vicious right hook" +"Got my pops today. He didn't have patience. Group text with the family. Dad: Did the dog find any golden nuggets in the front yard. Brother: Nope. Not this time. Hunting and tracking takes patients dad. Dad: He gets his patients from me","Me: But you're not a doctor" +"What do you call a snobbish criminal going down stairs","A condescending con descending" +"Center of town. So","I was walking through a town with my dad and we passed a graveyard and so he said I guess you could say we are in the dead center of town" +"I have finally started reading a book about Freudian slips that I have been meaning to for a while","It was just shitting on my self at home" +"I was asked why I was taking my glass of tea to bed","Because it is seepy" +"What did one flag say to the other","Nothing, it just waved" +"Overheard a group of dads at Dunkin Donuts. Who is the roundest knight of the round table","- Sir Cumference" +"What ever happened to the man who failed as both a stone cutter and bounty hunter","He could never find his quarry" +"What's the best armor to sneak around in","Leather armor it's made out of Hide" +"My sandwich cut me","Stay away from sharp cheddar.." +"Last night, my fiancé told me, y'know, I really can't stand you right now","So, I told her to sit down" +"Hey dad, how much longer is the Amazon compared to the Nile","By two letters" +"What do you call someone who teaches you how to pass gas","A tooter" +"Where can you find the greatest jokes in the entire /r/DadJokes universe","The best jokes are always in the comets…" +"What did the. Christian. Dad say to his kid staying up playing video games","It's pastor bed time" +"Why did I Humpty Dumpty have a great fall","To make up for his lousy summer" +"Why do monkeys make great friends","Because they are prime mates" +"Gone to the Gym","Dad Where is Nick Me The Gym Dad Not Gym, Nick Me ~turns around and walks away~" +"I just won an award for reaching the fifth stage of grief","I can’t wait to give my acceptance speech" +"My Tinder match got me good. Me: Now i have a beard but, i don't know if i'm liking it. Her: Don't worry it'll grow on ya","I walked right into that one" +"How do you know if you are a pirate","You just arrrrr" +"The wheel installer at the auto factory told me, Man, I'm so tired","As a muffler specialist, I replied, I'm the one that's really exhausted" +"How do you organize a party in space","you PLANET" +"He went from co-worker to son in an instant. Co-worker: How does tomorrow sound. Me: I don't know, I can't hear it yet","" +"My friends moved into their new igloo","All was going perfectly for them up until the housewarming party" +"My dad told me this joke earlier today A detective was called to a man's house to investigate a death. The man took the detective to his backyard and there was a dead rabbit lying there with a half eaten egg toasted sandwich and a half eaten cheese toasted sandwich. The detective quickly observed this and said to the man","It seems to be a case of Myxomatoasties" +"What did the fish say when it ran into a wall","Dam" +"Why do teachers hate subbing for classes of young sheep","They're too lambunctious" +"Thank you Student Loans for getting me through college","I don't know how to pay you back" +"At a drive-thru today. drive-thru employee: Hello welcome to blah blah what can I get for you. me: uhhh. give me one minute drive-thru employee: got it, one minute","will that be everything" +"What's an alcoholics favorite bird","Toucans" +"Do you want to hear my impression of an extractor fan","“I used to love tractors" +"I joined a musical and it's been pretty difficult","It's doing quite a number on me" +"Got to hear this one during the drive home Dad: This morning was really great; it was an orchestra. Me: What do you mean by that. Dad: I had two movements","Brother: *sigh*" +"Why did the French chef kill himself","He lost his huile d'olive" +"How rich are garbage men","There filthy" +"Breaking News: Light convicted destructive interference","Sentenced to life in prism" +"I bought a dog from a locksmith","When I got it home it made a bolt for the door" +"What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals","Phillippe Philloppe" +"People actually think the Earth is round","I think it's all one big consphereacy" +"You heard about the restaurant on the moon, right. Foods great but","not much of an atmosphere" +"Where does Clark Kent put his breakfast","In a super bowl ^^^^^^yaaaaay" +"Made my brother-in-law throw an egg at me: We're oddly competetive about our omlette-making abilities, so tensions were already high","Him, attempting to flip an omlette: Damn, it folded Me: Y'know, omlette this one slide, but you better step it up" +"What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married","Feyónce" +"Never play darts with children","Their heads aren't nearly sharp enough" +"What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts. Beer nuts are around $1","25 and deer nuts are just under a buck" +"Why did the caveman get arrested","For harassing miners" +"What does kayak sound like upside down","Blblblblblvllgllgl" +"Who are the nicest people in a hospital","The ultra sound people" +"I broke my finger today","But on the other hand im fine" +"Have you ever tried to eat a clock","It's very time consuming" +"Dadjoked by my little sister Me: This cd is so sick. Sister: Why, does it cough a lot","*groans*" +"Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road","Because he didn’t have the guts" +"Here's one in german","eins" +"I'm taking a forty-day break from spreadsheet software","I'm Excellent" +"Dad, can you put my shoes on","No, I don't think they'll fit me" +"Why do cows wear bells","Because their horns don’t work" +"Which state does River Thames flow in","Liquid state" +"After hearing me perform, my music teacher in school told me I should be tenor","Tenor twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times" +"Shuttle driver at work had a good one just now Customer asks him, Are you the shuttle. He replies, the shuttle is over there, I'm the driver","Customer and I had a good laugh at that one" +"What’s the difference between Batman and an onion","Batman only has one lair" +"What do you call the bees found in America","USB(ee)" +"What do you call a pit full of donkeys","An asshole" +"What did Barack Obama say to Michelle when he proposed","I don't wanna be Obamaself" +"A father and his son are by the beach They start to admire the holiday homes that are near the beach How heavy do you think this house is. His son suddenly asks, pointing at one of them","I don't think it'll be that heavy, the dad replied, since it's a lighthouse" +"Just asked my dad about the alcohol in our minibar Me: Dad, why do we have absolut vodka. Him: 'cause I couldn't find any relative vodka","*groan*" +"My Wifi Name [Absolute savage. ](http://i. gyazo. com/19d5bbb4a847437bdbb6a32b05cd215e","png)" +"My wife made me a chicken and leek pie last night. There was no chicken, so when I asked why she answered with a smile. O no, the chicken leeked out","Ruined a perfectly good dinner just for that joke - so proud" +"I went to a new seafood restaurant that serves clownfish","I thought it tasted funny" +"I know someone possessed by an owl Friend: who","Me: [narrows eyes]" +"My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water","I Schwepped her off her feet" +"Joke my dad told yesterday Dad: *points to cemetery we're passing at night* how many folks you think are dead out there. Me: Dunno, maybe 2,000. Dad: No","All of 'em" +"My mother was Welsh and my father was Hungarian","I guess that makes me Wel-Hung" +"Make the little things count","Teach math to midgets" +"I saw a few wind turbines the other day","They were big fans of renewable energy" +"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy","I don't know and I don't care" +"My wife came back from the store today wearing a shirt with stalks of corn on it. I asked her if she got a good deal on her new crop top, and she heard me from across the street","Her ears are brand new" +"What do you call a lesson on turtles","A turtorial" +"When planning a party my wife said we'd keep it pretty low key. I told her. Loki's alright, but","Thor's the pretty one" +"Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico","He wanted to be a señor developer" +"My friend and his son were talking about whether the son was a banana. Friend: I think you look like a banana. Son: I'm not a banana. Me: I don't know, kid. I think you have appeal","Cue groans from the wives and high fives for the dads" +"Why did the house go to the doctor","Because he had a window pane" +"Got my wife last night Wife (to daughter): Ugh, what smells. Is it your feet. I think it’s your feet. Me: pretty sure it’s her nose Wife: her nose smells. Me:","Wife: I fuckin’ hate you Simple is best" +"Got dad joked. DM'ING a D & D session. Player 1: *Talking about one of the books* There's no appendix in this book","Player 2: No, the appendix was removed" +"Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple","Because it tasted better than Adam's banana" +"I found some spring water I bought 3 months ago","I guess it's summer water now" +"Checking into a Hotel Just checked in at a hotel and checked in for my dad as well. Texted him to let him know our room numbers. Me: Got keys, we're in 115 and 113. Dad: Huh. That's odd","Took me a sec" +"I wrote down the names of all the people. I hate, but my roommate used the paper to roll up his joint. Now he’s high on the list of people","I never want to see again." +"A man asks his horse, Did you steal my thesaurus. The horse says","Nope" +"Knock knock Who's there. Little old lady. Little old lady who","I didn't know you could yodel" +"What happens when you have a bladder infection","Urine trouble" +"What is a sweet car called","Car-amel" +"Wife dad joked me so hard but didn't notice We have to buy so much milk in our household because I'm such a serial dad joker. Amongst all my friends and family, even at my wedding, it was noted about my bad jokes. My wife of one week tolerates my humour, but doesn't ever attempt to play along with dad jokes or make any of her own. Point is - I'm not used to hearing her say one. Today, sitting at a bar on our honeymoon I commented about how these selfie sticks are becoming ridiculous. Everyone seems to have one now. It's stupid . Only for her to reply with. I know it's seriously getting out of hand . I lost my shit and freaked out. She got scared cause she thought something bad happened. I'm like did you seriously not just hear yourself. I'm not even mad that was amazing","She just rolled her eyes" +"What do you call an alligator in a vest","An investigator" +"I was going to start a bourbon company, but","I heard it's whiskey buisness." +"I heard a friend spreading nasty rumours about me, so I went over furious and said","You discussed me" +"I told my doctor I was constipated","He said Yeah, no shit" +"What do sea animals like to smoke","Seaweed" +"Why does Harry Potter love Chia pets","Because they are hairy pottery" +"Why did the fishmonger go to hell","He sold his sole to the devil" +"Why did the little cookie cry. Because his mother was a wafer so long","I'll see meself out" +"What did the ninja do when he wanted to get people for his new business","He hiya" +"Please don't make fun of foods stored in cupboards","They're in a dark place right now" +"Dad: Say daddy. Baby: Mommy. Dad: Come on, say daddy. Baby: Mommy. Dad: F*ck , just say daddy. Baby: F*ck, Mommy. Mom: Honey, I’m home. Baby: F*ck. Mom: Who taught you that. Baby: Daddy","Dad: Son of a b*tch" +"When you look really closely","All mirrors look like eyeballs" +"I get so bored being a doctor","I just don't have the patients to keep me occupied" +"Dadjoked going to the beach I rode down to the beach today with my son, my husband, and my husband's best friend. We drove past a cemetery when ny hubby said I can't be buried in that cemetery. I asked him why not, and he told me because I'm not dead","Many sighs were had" +"I asked siri for a pickup line. Got a dadjoke instead http://imgur","com/UdWSQwO" +"Welcome to camouflage training. I’ve got to say","I’m disappointed to see so many of you here" +"Why can't you hear a T-Rex going to the bathroom","Because the T-Rex is a gentleman and pees with the door closed" +"Every time I give my son a haircut Me: Do you like your haircut. Son: Yeah, thanks Dad. Me: So you didn't notice the bald spot in the back yet. Alternatively, to his sister: Me: (He didn't notice the bald spot in the back yet",") I feel like such a dad" +"Why do people like to salt their food","Because it's sodium good" +"I've never wanted to make a speech until now I'd like to thank my legs for supporting me. My arms for always being by my side. And my fingers","I could always count on them" +"A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing poker That's right","The steaks were pretty high" +"Where are average things manufactured","At the satis-factory" +"Classic dadjoke from me, a dad. Was at the dinner table with the kids and wife eating dinner (oddly enough). The kids and I were getting a little rambunctious. My wife says 'no yelling at the table. ' I immediately put my face to the table and say 'sorry table'. I still laugh when I think about it. My best to date","Maybe it was just the timing" +"Kids, I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying","I can also tell when they’re standing" +"few weeks after my dads hip replacemtn I was driving my dad to his physical therapy and Shakiras song my hips don't lie song came on My dad: Son, do your hips lie. Me: UHHH no","My dad: Mine do, they're prosthetics" +"In an effort to cut down on sugar, I went on an all veg, meat and carbs diet","It was completely fruitless" +"My architect friend made millions by inventing the upside down house","It is a top cellar" +"Why did the chicken commit a crime","Because he was egged on" +"What's the best part about living in Switzerland. I don't know, but the flag is a big plus","&#x200B; (probably a repost)" +"Me: I'm scared of the vertical axis Therapist: Why","Me: *SCREAMS*" +"My earliest clear childhood memory is going with my parents to the eye doctor","Life before that is a blur" +"Never marry a tennis player","Love means nothing to them" +"Why did the captain survive his ship sinking","He kept a log in his cabin" +"Do they laugh out loud in Hawaii","Or is it just aloha" +"What do you call a Mexican whose truck was just repo'd","Carlos" +"For motivation, my friend buys a new rug every day","His motto is ‘carpet diem’" +"I was fired from the keyboard factory","I didn't put enough shifts" +"I'm starting to actually like my new haircut","it's growing on me" +"Does Beer make you Smarter I don't know","But it sure made Budweiser" +"I hate cooking sometimes Me: Hey dad where is the wok","(Searching for it under the stove) Dad: Oh you know it wok-ed away" +"What do you call the male offspring of a number of baked goods","Sons of batches" +"Are people allowed to wear contacts in soccer","It is a non contact sport after all" +"Why are law students required to take creative writing courses","So they can administer poetic justice" +"My dad was eating chips and one fell on his shirt. I told him, hey you got a chip on your shirt, so he put it on his shoulder, and he said, Now","I'm like your grandpa!" +"Why do giraffes take longer to apologize. [Because it takes them longer to swallow their pride](https://www. instagram","com/p/B-uWB85HN3u/)" +"How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke","When it becomes ap-parent" +"How many ants fill an apartment","Tenants" +"I want to share a","Russian pun with you all but if no one likes it and it gets down-voted then so-v-iet" +"What do you call iron in the mail","Fe-mail" +"Why can't your nose be 12 inches long","Because then it will be a foot" +"How much do pants at Walmart run. Asked by a co-worker who had torn his pants during his shift. I replied, not much without legs in them","Then proceeded to get a high five from all the nearby fathers" +"Common theme with my dad that I now use *How far is it to XYZ. * Twice as long as half the distance. *How long until we get to ABC. * Twice as long as half the time it takes","Drives my kids nuts" +"What do you call tiny dead crustaceans on the highway. Roadkrill","(My eight-year-old came up with this one all on his own" +"I dadjoked my mom today The shower curtains my mom ordered a week ago came in today, so we were outside smoking a cigarette and talking and she comes up with I should throw up the shower curtains today. I replied with Why did you eat them in the first place. Groans ensued","EDIT***Grammar and spelling" +"My dad got me really good today. I saw a bald eagle on the way to work today","Dad: where does he work" +"My son told me off today because I'm always turning things into a joke. So have I made myself clear. he asked","I replied, No, I can still see you" +"My girlfriend says she is going to a spinning class on her lunch break at work","Don't to get too dizzy" +"Did you hear about the chain of terrorist attacks committed by angry bankers","Police thought the attacks were linked but later found that they were a bunch of loan wolves" +"Teacher dadjoke During class last Friday, two cars started honking at each other all of a sudden outside out of our classroom window. One student looks out and says, Oh, it's just two mail trucks going past each other","The teacher immediately replys, Wow, I wonder how female trucks greet each other then" +"What do you call a fake noodle","An im-pasta" +"Accidently played dad instead of playing dead in an encounter with a bear","It can now ride a bike without training wheels" +"English Prof is a Dad We were discussing the possibility of selling your organs for money. Prof: I for one support the selling of organs","But I draw the line at pianos" +"What did the pirate say at his 80th birthday party","Aye matey" +"I don't think. I'll ever find a stable job. Honestly","I just don't feel comfortable around horses." +"What do you call a city which is built in a cave","Density" +"I inherited some terrible appliances from my parents after they downsized","The only thing that doesn’t suck is the vacuum cleaner" +"I'm allergic to grapes","You don't see me wine-ing" +"Justice is best served cold","Because if it was served warm it would be justwater" +"Have you heard of the band 978megabytes","Probably not, they haven’t had a gig yet" +"About my newborn son. Wife: he's got my ears","Me: he's got my genitals" +"While watching Jeopardy. The winner of tonight's Jeopardy's name was Denu (de-new). After it was over, I turned to my wife and said, You know, I bet he has an older brother named De-old","She threw a tennis ball at me" +"My uncle has sworn off driving EVs after he lost control of his week-old Nissan","I guess you could say he turned over a new Leaf" +"Making dinner tonight, my wife asked if our 9 month old could taste some of our fajitas. I replied Of course. It's MexiCAN, not MexiCAN'T","She laughed" +"Dancing at the zoo. My wife and I were going to the store and this happen. Wife: I want to go see some flamenco dancing. Me: We can go to the zoo and see flamingo dancing","Wife: shakes her head" +"What do you call a boring lady with athletes foot","Anti fun gal" +"What do swimming pools and old people have in common","Deep ends" +"Why does Waldo wear stripes","So he isn't spotted" +"Friend: Did you know Mica, Quartz, Feldspar, Amphibole, Garnet, and Pyroxene make up Phyllite","Me: That Gneiss &#x200B; Takes 100 IQ" +"Don't ask me why. I have diarrhoea","It runs in my genes." +"What do you call a communist basketball tournament","Marx Madness" +"I was telling my friend Ted about a drug dependent acquaintance, who always comes off as rude","I told my friend: “He is a dick, Ted" +"The cashier gave me some coins back after I gave her the exact amount. I looked at her confused with the coins in my hand and said, I paid the exact total. This makes no cents","" +"When. I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof,","I was shocked." +"Geometry Teacher is a pro dad Student: How long will this test be Mr","(Teacher) Teacher: Exactly 11 inches Student:" +"Working the polls and the judge was talking to a clerk. (They are both older guys the clerk was talking about his hair going away) The judge said Your hair is looking a little wavy","one side is waving goodbye to the other" +"Did you hear about the new ice skating rink","It's the coolest place in town" +"My girlfriend spilled chicken stock everywhere when she was cooking dinner","I told her she was like a boullion in a China shop" +"Where there's a will","there's a dead body nearby" +"Why didn't 4 ask 5 on a date","Because he was 2²" +"Is “buttcheeks” one word","Or should I spread them apart" +"What was the unknown baker's name","John Dough" +"Why did Helen Keller break up with her boyfriend","She couldn't see it working out" +"So my sister said she wanted to learn programming. So we where at the dinner table and my sister announced that she wanted to learn programming so she could join Valve. I tell her that its very hard to get a job there and dad says well","you could always join pipe" +"I had a bunch of books fall on me","I only have my shelf to blame." +"Where did the captain keep his buccaneers","Underneath his buccanhat" +"How do you kill a group of clowns","Go for the juggler" +"I'm slowly losing the audience Me, noticing that my two boys have been playing great together for a while: Hey you guys, quit playing so nice. Younger Kid: *confusion* Older Kid: *exasperated sigh* Dad's trying to make a joke","Nobody: *laughs*" +"What do you call a letter that just ate a good breakfast","A cheery-o" +"EMT teacher got us with this one We were reviewing different forms of traumatic injuries in my EMT class such as traffic collisions, gun shot wounds, and resulting effects and treatments for the injuries when my teacher pulls this one on us: Teacher: So what would come after falls then. Student: Spinal immobilization. Teacher: Winters","Edit: some words" +"Talking to a friend who's a dad when he says this Me: I'm bored","Him: It's better than being a plank I guess" +"I dont really like my neurosurgeon","They keep getting on my nerves." +"Now Rhonda Rousey can focus on her modeling career","Because she's a real knockout" +"My toilet stopped working when it gained a little confidence","It didn’t take shit from anyone" +"I broke my only hole puncher today. Now","I've got two half punchers" +"I picked up a Russian fashion magazine and it was just pictures","because Russian doesn't have any articles" +"What is the difference between the Hindenburg and Donald Trump","One is a flaming Nazi gasbag, and the other is just a dirigible" +"Taco salad dad joke is hard to top We were eating taco salad, and I asked my five-year-old son if he wanted sour cream. He said, Salsa first. So I did","He said, No, put some salsa on my taco salad" +"I saw an advertisement that read: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full","” I thought to myself, “I can’t turn that down" +"What does a spy do when he catches cold","He goes undercover" +"Dad (having an heart attack): Son call me an ambulance. Son actually calls an ambulance","Dad dies of disappointment" +"I was attacked by 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, the odds were against me.","F" +"There’s only 3 types of people in the world","Those who can count, and those who can’t" +"I'm thinking of reasons to go to Switzerland","**The flag is a big plus" +"My little girl dad-joked me today. Me: Pick up your room. Her: I can't. Me: (Getting angrier) Why not. Her: (All smiles) It's too heavy","I guess I have to pick up my game here" +"Ahh, it's so lame it made my day. Me: I think I'll go get some sushi Friend: I'm getting some Pho, wanna come","Me: Phony enouph, I'm not a big phan of Pho" +"My wife told me to stop doing my flamingo impression","I had to put my foot down" +"I asked my dad if he could put the cat out","He replied, I didn't know it was on fire" +"What did the Indian guy say to his mum when his mum left the house","Mumbai" +"A cowboy walks into a store He says to the clerk, I want to get a repeater. How much for one","The clerk responds, How much for one" +"I went to a general store","They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically" +"Wahst the difference between a hippo and a zippo","One is heavy and the other is a little lighter." +"I had a neck brace fitted three years ago","I haven’t looked back since" +"No T One time I was sick and asked dad for tissues and some tea. Dad came back and said We have no tea, so have some daddy issues. ___ I thought this up recently and wanted to share","I feel like it is a dad joke, a pun and dark humor all wrapped up in a neat package" +"Took me a minute to catch this one So tonight at the dinner table my mom and I were talking about a sleep sound app that you can download on your phone, tablet ect. Anyway I was mentioning some of the sounds they have and I said for example A dishwasher running. My Dad chimes in and starts shouting NO NO PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME WASH ANYMORE DISHES I QUIT while pretending to run. A dishwasher","running" +"My father is always setting me up for his dad jokes When discussing films. Dad: Have you seen *Lincoln*","Me: No, I di- Dad: He's about this tall, has a beard, and a top hat" +"My dad said. Obama would be tastier if he changed his middle name to. Lee. Because he'd be. Barack","Lee" +"All this string theory business. I can tell you now that strings are real","In the old days we used to keep our trousers up with them when our belts broke" +"I bought the most expensive dictionary. I could find, but when. I opened it, all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry","I am" +"Multiple people on my team complained that a coworker, Victor, was in fact getting credit for work that they did. I told them that it was a tough situation but sadly my hands were tied","To the Victor go the spoils" +"Where did General Grant keep his armies","In his sleevies" +"After a year here, I made an image I feel sums up this sub. http://i. imgur. com/JQPPTaV","jpg" +"Took my dad shopping the other day He picked out a pair of blue jeans that he like and told me that I should get a pair as well because they were on sell. I told him that I didn't like that style that they were dad jeans","He responds with Son, you have had the dad genes the entire time" +"Buffalo Transportation I was driving on the highway towards Buffalo, NY with my dad, and we passed a small car that said Buffalo Transportation. I said to my dad, There's no way they can transport any buffalo in that thing","" +"My favorite part of working at a spice warehouse","Running frantically up to my boss, and in a very panicked demenor just saying We have a problem, we're out of Thyme" +"A slice of apple pie is $2. 50 in Jamaica and $3. 00 in the Bahamas","These are the pie rates of the Caribbean" +"Who is CRISPR’s favorite actor","Gene Hackman" +"My 2. 5 years old son got my wife He's been having trouble with pronouncing words starting with F. My wife asked him if he could say I'm falling down","His reply: You're falling down" +"What do you call a sleepwalking Nun","A “Roamin’ Catholic”" +"Those boxes with the plastic wrap are pretty cool","The side of it that separates the plastic is really cutting-edge technology" +"If I psychiatrist starts rhyming what is it called","Shrink wrap" +"What has a bottom at the top","A leg" +"A wife asked her husband to go to the store and pick up a loaf of bread “If they have eggs, get a dozen” she said","A half hour later, the husband comes home with 12 loaves of bread" +"What did they use in the biblical days for cuts and scrapes","Anointment" +"I wrote a song about a tortilla","Actually it was more of a wrap" +"Can we start a support group for procrastinators","tomorrow" +"Did you hear the joke about the wild goose chase","You probably wouldn't get it" +"My girlfriends. Mom sent me this today","Why shouldnt you make your password 14days because its twoweak!" +"Found an old box of Tic Tacs under the bed from 1997 and I amazed at how well preserved they were","They were in mint condition" +"Dad V. Waitress Waitress: Is there anything I can get you to compliment your meal. Dad: Well, you can tell it how pretty it is","We left her a nice tip for having to listen to my dad's jokes all night" +"FARMER: I love my job. ME: All you do is round up sheeps. FARMER: What did you say to me","ME: You herd" +"Don't you whine enough. Me and my dad were in the car talking about how my mom went on a wine tour. I said I want to go on a wine tour l","He said don't you whine enough" +"A drunk walks into a bar with a set off jump leads around his neck","Barman says you can stay as long as you don't start anything ." +"I wrote two full pages of working out for my Calculus class","Seems like Calcumore to me" +"Why do the. Italians not like jehovah's witnesses. The","Italians dont like any witnesses" +"What do you call a stupid dictator","Idiot Amin" +"My dad has a. Polish friend who is a roadie. He also has a","Czech one too, one too." +"I ate a teaspoon of food coloring. And now","I'm slowly dying a little inside" +"What kind of shoes do frogs wear","Open toad Edit- got this off the back of a cereal box but damn love raking in this new text post juicy karma" +"How do blind whales communicate","By bwaille" +"It's 1am on January 1st where I live","I haven't slept since last year, and I'm EXHAUSTED" +"Dadjoked my roommate after he made a typo My apartment is currently having radiator problems and while discussing it via email, one of my buddies made the following typo: . I'm more interested in when they will Putin [sic] a new floor lest we repeat the multi-week hole in the ceiling experience","To which I reply: Like roommate, I'm wondering when they'll fix the floor but my guess is that they're just Stalin while they wait for the radiator situation to be worked out" +"Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft","Because he conditioned it" +"Got my son today. I asked him what he wanted for lunch. He said : Make me a sandwich","I put one silice of bread on either side of his head" +"You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and say, That's a girl's name. Terry shoots you","You have died of dissin' Terry" +"What do you call a shaved telemarketer","A Smooth Operator" +"Two limbo players walk into a bar","They lost" +"I was wrong once","I thought I had made a mistake, but I hadn’t" +"Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done","Turns out, he only does odd jobs" +"What do you call a non-practicing Jew","Jew-ish" +"What did the cookie say to the browser while running away","Cache me if you can" +"Got my girlfriend today She said my jokes were terrible","I said if I write them down then yes, they're Tearable" +"I entered 10 of my best puns into a competition to see if any would win","No pun in-ten-did" +"Got my wife this morning","But the mail-order company sent the wrong one so I had to send her back" +"My Dad's Top Two Jokes Joke #1: Me: Where is mom. Dad: Oh, she's under the bed. (Or whatever piece of furniture he thinks of first. Not once in my life have I asked him where my mom is and he's given me a straight answer. She's always under some piece of furniture. ) Joke #2: Dad: Ok, tell me how's it going. I start to talk about how I'm doing. Dad: No, tell me how's it going. Me: . Oh, how's it going. Dad: I'm doing great, but tell me how you are doing. (When I was little, this could go on for a while",") My sisters and I are in our thirties and he still does whenever we call" +"What is Atheism","a non-prophet organization" +"I should start a company that makes sinks, bathtubs, toilets, etc","I'll call it Rub A Tub Tub" +"I get so angry when I see someone with their wallet chained to their belt","I just can’t take it" +"After my daugher was born this past October, the nurse came in and said it was time for some skin to skin. I replied. Skin to Skin","That's how we got into this mess" +"Axl fell during a recent GnR concert","Then, Axl rose" +"What do you call somebody who is afraid of houses","Home-aphobe" +"You wouldn't think you'd want a pastry frosting made out of magical trees","But it's actually enticing" +"Do you know what Murphy's Law is. It says that Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Do you know what Cole's Law is","Thinly sliced cabbage" +"The bathroom at work smelled like shitrus today","It was absolutely pootrid" +"What's the most sticky dinosaur","A velcroraptor" +"You know who gives kids a bad name","Kim and Kanye, for one" +"I posted some selfies of me wearing my new glasses","I really made a spectacle of myself" +"I wondered why the wrecking ball I was working with kept getting bigger","Then it hit me" +"What did the fish say when he swam into a brick wall","Dam(n)!" +"Disney is making a movie about a cow standing in your front yard","They're calling it 'Mulan" +"Let's all take time to remember a classic. Whenever someone would say something bad (but true)about Dad, and he would respond with an insulted tone Hey","I represent that" +"Why are kings good at math","Because they are rulers" +"Why did the arsonist go to the gym","To burn some calories" +"How long is this light. At a stop light and my wife asks How long is this light","I say Probably about 4 feet" +"Where do the needle and thread go on a hot summer's day","The swimming sPOOL" +"SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym","For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus" +"The wedding went off without a hitch","The groom stormed off and all the guests started fighting" +"At dinner my grandpa always would ask me would you like a roll","I would say yes and then he'd reply then get on the floor and roll" +"(Turn the dome light on in the car before you start climbing a hill) Wait till some one asks why you did that","I needed to make the car lighter to climb this hill" +"Rabbit stew I'm at a restaurant with my family and the waitress come to take our order. I get the rabbit stew and 20 minutes later, she brings it by. As she puts the dish down, my dad looks at her straight in the eye and says, there seems to be a hare in that , while pointing at my dish","It took her a second, but as she got it" +"What do you get when you cross a millipede with a parrot","A Walkie Talkie" +"My landlord has been telling me that he is feeling pretty inadequate lately","I wonder if he has a complex" +"What do you call a sleepwalking nun","A Roman (roamin') Catholic" +"Sometimes I tell Dad jokes","Sometimes he even laughs at them" +"I was having a heated argument with my friend. Then we turned the heater off","Now we're cool" +"I had to replace my cheese shredder recently","It was for the grater good" +"Fishing Hook A friend of mine got a fishing hook stuck in his leg last night","My Dad: Is he hooked on fishing now" +"Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur’s table","Sir Cumference" +"My oldest son (of four kids) dropped this on the cashier at Aldi's. Do you know why we shop at Aldi's. Because it's cheaper","No, because we have all deez kids" +"Wanna hear a great joke making fun if China","<Censored>" +"What’s the difference between a tuna, piano, and a bucket of glue","You can tun a piano but you can’t tun a tuna" +"I said, Who would want to live next to a cemetery. To which my dad replied, At least the neighbors are nice and quiet. I groaned. Edit: Told him about the post's popularity. He added, Living next to a cemetery would be a very grave situation","That joke killed me" +"A master of Swiss cheese decided to write a book","but the plot had a lot of holes" +"A zoo has 27 monkeys. This zoo has 10 more birds than monkeys. How many birds does it have. Birdy-seven. (Courtesy of my six-year-old son","I've never been so proud" +"How does Bob Ross make a heavenly brush","Beats the Devil out of it" +"I'm itching to eat some bread","Preferably made from scratch" +"What do you call a hearing impaired big cat","Def Leppard" +"If i was an astronaut, before every mission i would sit down with my wife and tell her listen honey, its not that i want a divorce, i just think i need some space","Then i would put on my helmet and slow walk to the launch pad" +"I support farming. I guess you could call me. [Link](http://i. imgur. com/myyHemx","jpg)" +"My friend Ty came in first in the Beijing marathon, but was not given the gold medal","The Chinese refuse to recognize Ty won" +"My new welcome mat is made of hemp","It’s a gateway rug" +"Canada has a real hard water problem Most of the year it's frozen","Edit: told to me by my grandfather" +"My buddy has to wear a tuxedo to his job at the yogurt factory","It’s a very cultured environment" +"Dad at Target just got his kid A little girl at Target is repeatedly meowing Meow Meow Meow Meow. She's been at it for ~5 minutes. Her dad says Hi Ow, I'm dad. She stops. He says Oh, I thought you were saying 'Me ow' like 'I'm Ow. ' She went right back to meowing","She must not have appreciated it" +"If attacked by a mob of clowns","Go for the juggler" +"What did the magnet say to the other magnet","You look attractive" +"dad joke at the dinner table. Mom: you guys add salt on everything even before you taste it Me: well it depends on what we're eating. Dad: yeah, I don't add salt to salt","*laughs at own joke *" +"Dad joked the wife tonight Our newborn was crying for a while tonight and I suggested to my wife that she was having a growth spurt. My wife asked how long is a growth spurt. I said, I don't know, maybe a quarter inch","She just groaned and told our kid that I'm not funny" +"Why should you never be late to a cannibal's dinner party","Because they'll give you the cold shoulder" +"Haven't seen this one on here before. When I was in high school, I did karate with a sensei who cracked dad jokes all the time. (person gets a foot in the face from kick or grappling, etc. ) Sensei: Oh","the bitter taste of de-feet" +"I did it. I told a dad joke that my wife AND preteen daughter laughed at. Daughter: the dog has a piece of confetti stuck to his butt","Me: that's because he's a party pooper" +"wanna hear a joke about construction","nevermind i'm still working on it" +"I know Almost nothing about Greek Mythology","It is my Achilles heel" +"What does a frog say when it gets horny","Rubbit" +"A dwarf was pickpocketed recently","I dont know how someone could stoop so low" +"I used to have an addiction to soap. But","I'm clean now" +"What kind of donut can fly","A plain donut" +"I invited my friend to a. BBQ today but forgot that she’s vegan","What a big missed-steak." +"What's the most sarcastic flower. The forget-me","NOT" +"My girlfriend grabbed a hand full of coins and slapped me in the face","About time she slapped some cents into me" +"So I gave this link too my son https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=flR7nJZPPq4" +"__________","As far as terrible jokes go, this is where I draw the line" +"What’s the difference between a doctor and a priest","When the dr touches your nuts it’s strictly business" +"Time sensitive dadjoke, pick your moment Dad: Hey let's go eat at that new restaurant over there Unsuspecting victim: It's not new, the sign says 'Serving delicious food since 1923' Dad: Yeah, that was only. *dramatically looks at watch*","24 minutes ago" +"I don't always tell dad jokes But when I do, sometimes he laughs","" +"I bumped my elbow digging for gold","It was a miner injury" +"At my funeral check my pockets","I might still have your lighter" +"I bought a new uranium-based alarm clock last week but it's really quiet","I thought this stuff was supposed to be radio-active" +"Last night I dreamt I was turned into a sausage","It was one of my wurst nightmares" +"Solve the following: i💩x i💩 =","i💩x i💩 = -💩⬛️ Shit just got real" +"My fiancée and I were talking about our upcoming wedding. Her - When we get married, can we honeymoon in Iceland. Me - Sure. Her - And we can have a party in a fjord. Me - We'd have a Fjord Fiesta. Her - Goddammit","I'm getting an early start on this dad jokes thing" +"I fear for the calender","I hear its days are numbered" +"Son: “Dad, your clothes look gay","” Dad: “I just got them out of the closet though" +"What did the baby corn say to the mother corn","Where's the pop corn" +"I live in ukraine and i watched that show chernobyl pretty decent but","I counted 13 inaccuracies on my right hand alone" +"Not to brag, but I have this uncanny ability of guessing what’s inside a wrapped present. You can say","it’s a gift" +"Why was the foyer depressed","It had the vestiblues" +"I've seen a midget trying to escape prison from the 2nd floor recently. The first thing","I thought of was wow - that's a little condescending" +"What subject does a witch teach at school","Spelling" +"Three strings were walking on a hot day in Arizona. The sun was especially hot and they became thirsty. The first string said to his friends, I know of a good bar down the street. Let's go get a drink. The three agreed and walked together to the bar. The bar was dark and empty, with classic country playing over a scratchy AM radio. The bartender was a worn old man with a salt and pepper hair and a bushy moustache. They sat down at the bar together, relieved to be inside from the heat. The bartender looked up with a sullen frown, as the first string ordered three beers. He stared at them for a long second and said, We don't serve yer kind 'ere. The strings sat for a moment, surprised at the bartender's prejudice, but stood up and left without a word. As they walked out into the desert heat again, the second string spoke up. Man, I'm dying out here. We gotta get a drink somewhere. I know of another place, the first string said, and led them to a pub down the block. The three strings were badly dehydrated and getting tired, but soon enough they made it to the pub. Inside there were a few bikers at a table, who turned in their chairs to stare at the strings shuffling by. The bartender cast a wary glance at them as they approached and took their seats at the bar. Before the strings could a word, the pub owner walked out from a room on the back and yelled, We don't serve strings in this establishment. The third string stood up, infuriated, but the second string held him back and they walked out again without a word. Back on the dusty street outside, the three strings were growing faint. The stores were closed, and they were getting desperate. C'mon, there's gotta be some place to get a drink. the third string moaned. I know one more place, the first string said. So they walked a good mile down the road to a dive bar on the edge of town. Instead of walking in, the first string stopped his pals. Wait a minute, guys, the first string said. He bent over and tied himself, then tousled his hair and straightened up. The other two thought he'd lost his mind in the heat, but walked in behind him. As the door swung shut behind them, they looked around. The only waitress was serving a couple of rednecks at a corner booth, and all three turned to stare at the strings. Say, the scrawny redneck started, Ain't y'all some of them strings","Naw, the first one said, I'm a frayed knot" +"'I see. ' Said the blind man to his deaf son. My dad always uses this phrase. The other day he said it to my mom. My mom replied, What did the deaf son say","Dad: Aaaauuwwweuuaawwww" +"Why didn't the passengers receive flowers when their plane landed in Hawaii","Their flight was deleied" +"My Parents Dating Life Summed Up Your mum and I went on quite a few dates before we got engaged. I took her out for dinner eight times and went to the cinema once to see Batman","So, to sum up our dating life it went dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner BATMAN" +"My neighbor is obsessed with navy destroyers","He warships them" +"Making lunch with my wife when. Her: Grapes. Me: Yes they are","Her: *dagger eyes* I mean do you want some dickhead" +"I visited my friend in jail the other day and there was a jailbreak. Suddenly there was pandemonium everywhere. The guards on duty ushered us out of the gates just as a horde of inmates began climbing over the barrier wall. One by one they dropped down disappearing into the brush. Just as I looked up, a midget in an orange jumpsuit stuck his tongue out at me and gave me the finger as he came down","I thought to myself, Well that's a little con descending" +"Dad dropped this on me, a couple of days ago. I don't know what to say. Me- Did you know, <random author> dedicated her book to her dog. Dad- No I didn't know that, ButtStuffYes, but, if you ever write a book, you better dedicate it to your dad and momicate it to your mom","Mom- thats it im done Dad- *makes the usual triumphant face*" +"Dad joked a cute girl at the police station today I had just gotten in an accident and was there to pay a bond to get my license back. As I'm walking into the waiting area, I see this cute girl around my age crying. I turn to her and ask, Are you ok. She replies, I just got into an accident, my shoulder hurts, and there's damage to my car. I'm *dandy*. So, instinctively I reply, Oh, I'm Noah","Nice to meet you Dandy" +"I presented a piece of sandpaper to my dog","My dog said ruff" +"I bought a head of epileptic lettuce","Had to make seizure salad" +"Make sure you raise your left leg at midnight tonight guys","Let’s start the new year off on the right foot" +"Did you hear that I’m reading a book about anti-gravity","It’s impossible to put down" +"My son didn't understand But you will :) My son is eating a banana and decided to try to put the peel back on. He was getting upset when: Son: I can't put it back. Me: you can't put the peel back. Son: what is a peel. Me: it's when you have qualities that people like","My genius is wasted on children" +"Dadjokes Galore on Thanksgiving First one was a simple one. I was riding with my parents to see family, and they were talking. My mom said, if you need anything, just let me know. My dad said, K. I checked to confirm with him that he needed potassium. That day, people were texting me to hang out. Someone made something happen that I didn't expect, to which I responded, WHAT. HOW. , and they told me not to be a CAPITAList. There was one more. I'll go back and edit in if I remember, but I'm tired","It's been a long day" +"What do you call a double decker airplane that bounces on the runway while it lands","a BOING 747" +"In Branson with my S/O She sees a billboard and groans. What. I say. Look at that sign, I already know what you're going to say. The Sign reads, LIVE: Elvis impersonator","^ ^ Well I've heard he's WAY better than the DEAD Elvis impersonator" +"My girlfriend was trying to title her presentation. I'm not a dad yet but. I think I'm ready. So my girlfriend has to write a presentation about the effects of intense pressure from parents (forced religion etc. ) on children. The conversation went like this. Her- What do I title this. Me- What about 'Peer-ent Pressure'","Groans were had" +"So the flounder was chatting with his eel friend and asked, Have you heard about the new twin squid. And the eel replied","Yeah, I heard they were totally i-tentacle" +"What is a porcupines favorite hobby","Quilting" +"I hired some gay men to frame my new home","They did a terrible job, wasn't a straight stud there" +"Why did the Mexican throw his wife of the cliff","Tequila" +"Halloumi cheese Was at work having lunch with colleagues when I saw some halloumi cheese","I commented : You know, that's what I say every morning when I see myself In the mirror Cue confused look Hello me *groans all around*" +"I warned my wife not to put food coloring in our kids food","Don’t want them to dye inside!" +"What do you call a sleepy dinosaur","A Dinosnore" +"Got my wife with a good one today. (nsfw-ish) We're moving soon, and there's a town near us called Balzac. I suggested we could fit in there pretty well","cuz we're a couple of nuts" +"what do you call someone who sells themselves for spaghetti","a PASTA-tute" +"Why can't you trust a math teacher holding a graph paper","She's definitely plotting something" +"My dad and I are watching Shark Week together There was an advertisement for The Return of the Great White Serial Killer and after they said the name out loud with a straight face he looks at me and says Why are they calling it that","Sharks don't even eat cereal" +"What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu","One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment" +"Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France","There was nothing left but de Brie" +"Why are actors so good at connect the dots","Because they know all their lines" +"You know what you call a cow laying on the ground","Ground beef" +"My wife, who's eight months pregnant, asked me if I worry that it's been too hot recently for our baby inside her. I reassured her","“Nah, it’s probably womb temperature" +"I have hemroids","It's a huge pain in my ass too" +"My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine","So I added some Sprite and oranges and now she’s sangria than ever" +"Why do math teachers love fractional exponents","Because they are deeply rooted in math" +"While picking up a turkey for this Thanksgiving, I overheard this gem. A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, Do these turkeys get any bigger","The stock boy replied, No ma'am, they’re dead" +"I thought about getting my hair cut but","It's really starting to grow on me" +"When I go camping with my wife I want it to be relaxing","but it always ends up two in tents" +"Dad joked by my toddler. a proud day Wife made asian food for dinner last night, Tofu/Rice/Veggies/Chicken Wontons. Toddler is killing the wontons and we teach him how to say wonton so he can ask for more correctly. As he's stuffing another piece into his mouth I ask him hey bubba, do you like wontons. To which my son replies, No. like twotons My son's first joke and it's a dad joke","i'm just so proud lol" +"What do you call a cow with no legs","Ground beef" +"To the tiny organisms upon which the blue whale feeds, the whale appears to be a stone cold kriller","No, that's it" +"Want to hear a joke about paper","Nevermind it's tearable" +"I inherited my grandfather's tax shelter today http://imgur","com/C5p5it9" +"How do bovines do math","With a cow-culator" +"Dadjoked a friend of mine To give some context, I was describing my week ahead to a friend of mine, given that we both work in film. Me: I'm shooting some convention tomorrow afternoon Friend: What kind of convention. Me: No idea, it's only in the afternoon on a Thursday Me: I guess you could say it's unconventional","We're in different continents right now and I'm pretty sure he could see my smirk" +"I went to go and pick up my girlfriend from her house. Her dad: I want her home before 10. Me: But don't you already own her home. Her dad:","Me:" +"Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident","It's too spoon" +"Do you know what the first thing a couple says when they're married","I do" +"Choose any number between 2 and 8. Multiply by 4, and then add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes","Dark, wasn’t it" +"What will happen if you have a wooden car with wooden engine and wooden wheels","It wooden start" +"They say that vegetarians live longer","Sadly all of that extra time is used talking about how they don't eat meat" +"I installed a skylight in my apartment","The people who live above me are FURIOUS" +"What do you call a hairy nut","A mustachio" +"A world without women","It would be a pain in the ass" +"Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road","It got stuck in a crack" +"What do you call someone who cares for chickens","A chicken tender" +"How do you find Will Smith in the snow","Just look for the fresh prints" +"AMD and Nvidia should get into the race car business","Well, I mean they already have the drivers" +"My dad was making brownies. And I saw the delicious batter. I asked if I can lick the rest of the bowl","He replied, No you have to flush like the rest of us" +"I was going to post an old joke here","but you probably already reddit" +"Eating lunch with dad I was sitting at the kitchen table earlier today eating lunch when my dad let out a echoing fart","I told him Dad I'm eating lunch He looked at me deadpan and without skipping a beat said Oh don't worry you're not bothering me" +"Dad joked a customer today So I work as a cashier at a grocery store. A customer was buying two turkeys and two packages of prime rib, and he asked for separate bagging. So I replied, excellent, here at the store we also like to maintain a separation of bird and steak. Customer laughed a pity laugh. I told everyone","My life is boring" +"Way too many protesters around","Maybe we should invest in some amateur testers" +"This is gonna sound shallow, but","I hate the deep end of the pool" +"What do you call an. Asian on an elevator","Wong on so many levels" +"So a teenage boy asks a girl out to prom He asks her out, and he needs to plan, so first, he needs his tuxedo. So he goes to the tuxedo shop, and there's a huge line of people there, so he waits for 30 minutes, then an hour, and he finally gets his tuxedo. Then, he needs to rent a limo, to look nice and formal and everything, so he walks into the limo rental shop, and again, there's a huge line, so he waits for 30 minutes and then an hour goes by, then 2, and he finally gets his limo. On the night of the prom, he pulls up to her house with the limo, and she gets in, and on their way to the prom building, a huge traffic jam happens. So they wait, and then 30 minutes goes by, then an hour, and they finally arrive at the building. So they walk in, take some pictures, and dance for a bit, and after a while, the girl asks, hey can you get us some punch. So the boy walks over to the punch bowl and guess what","There's no punchline" +"People ask why peeping toms usually commit their crimes between 8 and 10","That’s the peak time" +"Uncle (Dads mate) Cafe So my dads best mate and I went to a cafe for lunch and it goes something like this; Me: Hey. Could I please have a flat white and two sausage rolls, cheers Dads Mate: Yeah, I'll have the same actually Waitress: No worries, and are you two together","Dads Mate: Nah we're just eating lunch" +"I applied to be a model for. Calvin's","I hope they don't deKlein." +"I'm so good at sleeping","I can do it with my eyes closed" +"What do dogs eat for breakfast","Woofles" +"Have you guys seen the Disney movie about the dancing ghost princess","It's called polka-haunt-us" +"Ever wondered why bees hum","It's because they don't know the words" +"Always go stoned to an auction","Win or lose, you’ll be the highest bidder" +"Ex-prime minister of Australia is a Dad (x-post tumblr) http://i. imgur. com/424NPV4","jpg" +"If you get an email that says google maps can read directions backwards","Don't open it, It's just spam" +"My friend got me. On the way to our friend","Vlad's house, he asked for his vladdress..." +"Why are cemeteries surrounded by fences","Because people are dying to get in" +"r/dadjokes is no longer Dad Jokes (not funny)(serious) This sub used to be my favorite sub. It’s been overtaken by shitty puns and shitty jokes and stuff that never even happened. Can we do something about this, mods. There’s a reason why there’s a decline in active “groaners”. And there’s a reason why r/dadjokes rarely makes the front page anymore. Get rid of these shitty, lazy posts please","Thank you" +"There's only one thing i don't like about. Halloween","Which is" +"I'm trying to write my next joke about a short dad","I just want it to have a little pop" +"What is bread's favorite number","Leaven" +"want to hear a joke about pee","urine for a treat" +"I think this fits here http://imgur","com/tWxekTQ" +"My wife always laughs at me whenever I shit myself","She loves self-defecating humor" +"Did you hear about the lion that ate his friends","He had to swallow his pride" +"What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise","Lmayo" +"Got my wife last night at Arbys My wife saw the promotional poster for the Andes mint milkshake at Arbys. Wife: Oh babe I want one of those shakes. Me: I don't think you can have one. Wife: (perplexed look) Why. Me: Because they aren't yours they are Andes","Wife: *Groans* Lady behind the counter: *snort/chuckle*" +"My dad's friend is a cop","The cop told my dad to take a nap, my dad said No and the cop told him that he was resisting a rest" +"Call 911 quick. 911 911 Hi yeah my wife's having contractions, we need an ambulance Is this her first baby","No, this is her husband" +"Stanley refused to poop until he got to the summit of mount Everest","He had the highest Stan turds" +"Where can you find a no-legged dog","Right where you left him" +"I think we should stop blaming earthquakes for the destruction they cause","It's not their fault" +"It was silly of. Tom. Cruise to put his best pistol on the highest shelf","He’s too short to reach the top gun" +"Grandpa dadjoked my grandma and I. I'm working in a chemical plant / mining plant this summer, and was on the phone with my grandma discussing my job: Me: the plant also has a mining operation Grandma: oh you're not going to be a miner are you. I hear my Grandpa in the background: well he's not 21 yet Patti","He immediately started laughing and drew a collective ugh from my grandma and I" +"My dad hit me with this killer today My dad is picking me up from my university today since he is working nearby. Dad: I might get out early. I'll keep you posted","Me: 10/4 Dad: Actually, its 10/15" +"Do you even know what a Polaroid is","It's a white bear's hemorrhoid" +"I tried to tell my dad a dad joke. My dad works at a sewage treatment plant and was talking about how he found some money so. I said to him you should spend that money quick it's dirty money and without missing a beat he looks at me and says but if. I clean it","I'll get into trouble for laundering money" +"What do you call a financially stable clown","Pennywise" +"My mom dadjoked my dad. My father was talking about how there was a gold rush in my hometown. Dad- About one hundred years ago there was a gold rush here. They didn't find anything and it was fruitless. Mom- Fruit","I thought they were mining for gold" +"What did the bra say to the hat","You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift" +"If you see a robbery at an Apple store","does that make you an iWitness" +"So we're sat watching the world cup. And my 9 yr old little brother's trying to learn the players' names and after he's told Ashley Young's name, he goes: what about when he's seventy. Will he be Ashley Old","I'm proud" +"Endgame joke Thanos: I am inevitable Tony Stark: No you aren’t","You’re m Thanos" +"My girlfriend played right into my dadjoke trap Gf: know what's in theaters today","Me: people Gf: no, the x men Me: well it must not be any good if there aren't people in the theaters" +"Dad, can I have my dinner in my room","No, you can have it in a bowl like everybody else" +"Just saw the movie. IT","Dissappointed, didnt see a single computer get fixed." +"I think my neighbor is addicted to getting tattoos","It’s written all over his face" +"Was talking to my dad about his knee operation. He told me he had 5 knees now. Left knee. Right knee. Kidney. Hiney","And weenie" +"I tried taking my car in for a service yesterday","It wouldn't fit through the church doors" +"Why are doctors always calm","They have a lot of patients" +"What do you call the wife of a hippie","Mississippi (Mrs hippie)" +"Got dad joked by a cop My girlfriend and I were in an accident this morning. The first cop that pulled up was a family friend of hers, I asked how they knew each other","Well we didn't meet by accident" +"At work when a collision occured I work in a restaurant, and the other day we had a busy morning. Two of the servers were carrying jelly baskets and making their way through the kitchen when they bumped each other and dropped jelly pouches into all over the floor","I was quick to announce the traffic jam" +"What is the best kind of music to play before Christmas","Rap music" +"I refused to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft","But when I got home, all the signs were there" +"Did you know that Capt Ahab was a problematic baby","He just wouldn't stop whaling" +"Did anyone else hear about that arrogant felon that jumped to his death","For a few moments, he was a descending condescending con" +"Why did the hipster drown","He went skating on the lake before it was cool" +"What was Oman called before it officially become a nation","**Oboy**" +"Today I found out there are 8 schools in the Ivy League","It should actually be called the VIII League" +"A woman once said she recognized me from the vegetarian club. But","I never met herbivore" +"Don't fart in a Apple store","They don't have any windows" +"Getting ready to go to a rugby match. My mam asked me was I wearing my contact lenses. I said of course, after all it is a contact sport","Ahahahahahahaha" +"What do you call a modest insect","A humblebee" +"This is how you write. Hello in. Mandarin. Chinese using only. Latin letters:. Hello in. Mandarin","Chinese" +"Doing dishes while I'm visiting home and then I find a tiny spatula while I'm washing and I said, What is this. A spatula for ants. Only to be promptly responded to with, I'm sure it's for uncles too","*sigh*" +"Took the dog to the vet I took our 16 month old dog, Thor, to the vet yesterday for his annual shots. Vet, to me: Looks like the last time we saw Thor was for his surgery to get neutered. Vet, later, to Thor: So are you like the comic book Thor. Do you have a big hammer","Me: Not since that last appointment" +"Why don't crabs donate to charity","They're shellfish penny pinchers" +"Dad. my friend is telling me that Napoleon Bonaparte wasn't born in France, and I say he was. Can you settle this argument","Corsican" +"Did you hear about the Dad who claimed responsibility for the earthquake","He said it was all his fault" +"asking for a loan Mr. Sterling Frogsen was desperate. After a few months of success, his bakery was beginning to flounder and running in the red. He was a proud man who was proud of starting his small business without asking for any help. But now times were tough and he had to face the fact that without a loan his bakery was doomed. So he went to local bank but was disheartened to see that the loan officer was the notorious Patricia Wacomb, the hard-nosed banker who only agreed to sure bets and rarely took risks. Please, ma'am, I am in sore need of this loan. My bakery is only going through a temporary setback. Normally such pleas fell on deaf ears, but today Patricia was feeling generous. Something about Mr. Frogsen moved her and she believed his plight. Mr. Frogsen, I would approve this loan, but this bank cannot afford to take any risks. Is there anything you can do, Ms. Wacomb. I am desperate. Well, do you have any collateral. Only this family heirloom, Sterling responded while handing Patricia his prized family treasure. Patricia was at a loss, however, for she had never seen anything like that before. Let me ask my manager, she responded as she showed her director the prized heirloom","His eyes opened wide in amazement as he told her, It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack, now give the Frog a loan" +"Who plays at a 45 cent concert","50 Cent featuring Nickelback" +"I lost a lot of money on a horse yesterday","It fell out of my pocket while I was riding it, I'm going back to look for it later" +"My friend's sister is in nursing school. Out to lunch with his family and his dad pops this one off. Hey Kate, do your breasts hurt. No","I figured they would after a whole day at nursing school" +"There is a new show on TLC about having a clock fetish","It's about fucking time" +"Never criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes","then it's ok, because you'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes" +"I busted a nut [https://imgur. com/gallery/7muPMMy](https://imgur","com/gallery/7muPMMy)" +"I'm terrified of negative numbers","I'll stop at nothing to avoid them." +"I drew a map, but. I forgot the legend. Then","I remembered there's a legend reading this post." +"My sister asked me, while looking at her menu, Where are the sides. I replied, Usually next to the main course. She was not amused. I giggled for 20 minutes","And texted several friends" +"A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel shaped looking thing in his pants the bartender said you know you have your ships steering wheel in your pants","the pirate replied argh matey, i know its driving me nuts" +"What's a skeleton's favorite form of art","Skull-ptures" +"Two sausages are frying in a pan. One sausage says to the other: it's getting pretty hot in here","The other: WTF, a talking sausage!?" +"My dad brought home a set of knives today I greeted him with knife to meet you, looking sharp today","He told me that the joke didn't cut it ☹️" +"It's my wife's birthday and I bought her slippers and a dildo","If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself" +"When bread rises","is that called a yeast inflection" +"There was a rumour about butter. But","I didnt spread it" +"Anything you do on a Dolphin is never an accident","It's on porpoise" +"I would like to be a millionaire just like my dad","He always wanted to be a millionaire too" +"My wife and I got in a big argument over how she wanted to give birth","It was our first midwife crisis" +"Touring the medieval torture and execution section of an old European castle, when I dropped this one. The guillotine truly was cutting-edge technology at the time","A dad within earshot said he appreciated my sharp wit" +"My dad was giving me a hard time and. I said. I wasn't in denial That's right, you must be in da","Mississippi" +"One of my grandpas dad-joked my other grandpa. So my two grandfathers we talking to each other at a family dinner, and got on the topic of work history. Grandpa 1 was saying how he went from being a florist to a manager at a car factory. Grandpa 2 asked how he came about making such a dramatic career change","Grandpa 1: Well I always was a plant manager" +"What is a weightlifter’s favorite city","Gainesville" +"Wearing sunscreen. Just got my co-worker with a doozy. They were out in the bay doing seagrass surveys when they came very close to stepping on a stingray. She was talking about the flashes of Steve Irwin's death going through her mind when I asked you were wearing good sunscreen right. what. she asked sunscreen. Why. to protect you from harmful rays I said with a smug look on my face. She folded her arms and gave me a stern look","My boss and coworker could only shake their heads and laugh" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school","He woke up" +"Why do policemen make good musicians","Because they're always on the beat" +"Why did the chicken buy a ouija board","He could never get to the other side so he tried to contact it" +"My sister keeps judging people by their sound systems","I told her to stop being so stereotypical" +"Dad's shower joke. Me:. Brb, going to take a shower. Dad:","Where are you taking it?" +"Why does superman always get invited to dinner","Because he's a supperhero" +"A midget fortune teller who kills his customers","Is a small medium at large" +"I dreamed of drowning in an ocean of. Orange soda. It took me a while to realize it was just a","Fanta sea." +"Boyfriend paused the small talk at his family's Passover dinner Conversation between bf and his cousin: Bf: So, what's new with you. Cousin: I wish I had something cool to say to that, like, I built an aircraft with my bear hands. I never have anything cool like that. Bf: Understandable. How could you have built an aircraft without opposable thumbs. Moment of silence. Moment of laughter","Queue interesting conversation" +"My wife wasn't angry after this. just full of disapointment Basically she was on her rags and decided to have a go at me because of something really tiny, I think I left some juice on the bench or something, but instead of getting involved in an argument I waited for the perfect moment. So out of nowhere came this glorious comment. honey I think you are just Ovary-Acting","she just looked at me like she was so done with my shit" +"I was sitting in a Japanese restaurant when inspiration hit: Me: why don't Australians make jokes about Chinese food. Son: :-| Me: [in Australian accent] because that would be ricest","Son: :-| Wife: :-| Success" +"We should turn off here, it's the shorter route","my dad says as we pass the exit sign for Shorter, AL" +"A fireman was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon, with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and cat. That sure is a nice fire truck. the fireman said with admiration. Thanks. the girl replied. The fireman looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. The fireman said, I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster","The little girl replied thoughtfully, You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren" +"I came up with this one myself Problem is my 3 and half year old doesn't understand car makes and models. What kind of car does a pirate drive","A Toyota YAAARis" +"Why did the Mexican man push a woman off a cliff","Tequila" +"My friend, his Father and I were about to sit down to eat some pasta when he asked forks all round","To which I replied No, they're the pointy ones" +"These days not a lot of people are named Lance","But in Medieval times people were named Lancelot" +"Why couldn't the browser get an erection","A pop-up blocker was installed" +"I’m not sure what happened So last night I was with my brother, and he had a slightly swollen eye which he showed me. It looked a bit red, so I asked him, “Do you need to go to the doctor. ” He replied, “Nah, it’s fine. It’ll probably get better anyway. ” To that I said, “Well, I sure hope it does. Keep an eye out for it. ” What the hell. I’m not even a dad","I’m 16 years old" +"I don’t have OCD","I have CDO, which is the way it’s supposed to be" +"What does r/dadjokes like to eat for breakfast","Puncakes" +"My sister said she doesn't like seaweed. My dad said he does. However","He said he didn't like D-weed" +"My dadjoke backfired. So my friend was wearing a fish patterned shirt. Me: Hey, nice shirt. Him: Thanks. Me: I'm guessing you're wearing it because you think you're such a great catch","Him: *sigh* No, I'm just wearing it for the halibut" +"My Girlfriend is a sniper. but I know she loves me, you know how","She said she Missed Me" +"What would. Al. Gore name his mixtape","Algorithm" +"Two women are walking through the city when. they see a man holding hands with a small child. The first says to the second, Isn't it obvious what he is","The second says, Quite apparent" +"Needless to say","Didn't say it, because it's needless" +"What is a duck's favourite drug","Quack" +"If you hit. Dwayne. Johnson's ass","Does it mean you hit rock bottom" +"Why do cows have hooves instead of feet","Because they lactose" +"What's a silent bee","A mumblebee" +"A dating site for depressives called Loves Company . Cos misery loves company. (I'm so going to hell for this joke","Worth it" +"Here's one in spanish","UNO" +"Did you hear about the guy who stole the calendar","He got 12 months" +"Did you know you can light a candle with a piece of dry spaghetti","That's using your noodle" +"Did you know that dogs can’t read x-ray’s and MRI’s","But catscan" +"Because of a clerical error at the hospital we named both of our twin boys William","They billed us twice" +"I told my dad about the new Beyonce class offered at my university. Dad: Oh yeah. Did you hear who's been signing up. Me: who","Dad: all the single ladies" +"I once met a girl with twelve nipples,","Sounds funny, dozen tit?" +"Did you hear about the psychic dwarf that escaped from prison","He is a small medium at large" +"What kind of food is good for you feet","Shoe-shi" +"I have a Polish friend who has a job as a sound engineer","I have a Czech one too" +"Prez Obama pardons turkeys but not the dad jokes, he's killing them http://www. usatoday","com/story/news/nation/2016/11/23/watch-live-president-obama-pardons-his-final-thanksgiving-turkey/94346928/" +"Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees","Because they’re really good at it" +"My brother fell asleep drunk whilst in a bath. They call him","BathMan" +"I could never be a successful doctor","I don't have enough patients" +"Have you ever heard of a band called cellophane","They mostly rap" +"I bought a sympathy card today","I feel sorry for the person I have to send that to" +"What's a lumberjack's best subject in school","Log division" +"What do you call a negative fog","A pessimist" +"I tried to catch some fog once","I mist" +"What does a pepper do when it gets angry","It gets jalapeño your face" +"Mother used to scold me that I'm getting too dependant on technology. Now she would probably die if the electricity went out","But I'm told the ICU has a power generator so she is probably good" +"How do you make holy water","Boil the hell out of it" +"Do you know what I saw","Wood" +"Why is Mr. T always busy","Because he's always in the middle of something" +"One man gets in a car accident every minute in. London","Understandably, he's livid!" +"I was given a bag of rice for my birthday thanks uncle","Ben." +"Why date a geologist. Because they know what make the bedrock","😉" +"Your mom is going to have to go to prison now. I'm home from college and my mom was doing my laundry, which is a fantastic feeling. I accidentally left my wallet in my dirty clothes, so when my mom returned my dripping wet wallet to me, my dad said that she would have to go to prison for money laundering","GROAN" +"Just phoned Sea World to see what time they opened","They told me the call was being recorded for training porpoises" +"What's a pirate's favorite kind of firework","M-80" +"An irishman turned 30 Son, you really should wash yourself more often. Why","Because you're tirty" +"Went out for Dad's birthday last night, he set me up big time. He asked the waitress what beers were on tap, which included Blue Moon and Sam Adams seasonal. He said it's not a special occasion, so I'll have the Sam seasonal. After the waitress left, I asked, it's your birthday, what special occasion do you mean","He said I only have it once in a blue moon" +"How do you navigate to the bathroom","Look up the IP address" +"The beef is on the top shelf I put the beef on the top shelf but I'm worried it may fall off","I'm good at catching but the steaks are pretty high" +"What’s the best way to gain patience","By putting on some wait" +"What do you call four Mexicans in a boat that has a hole in it","Quattro sinko" +"My wife said her garden had flooded","Turns out there was a leek" +"You may think philosophers are more helpful than archaic forms of transportation, but. I think you're putting","Decartes before the horse." +"Do you know what the last thing to go through a bug's head is when he hits a windshield. His butt","This dad joke brought to you by my grandfather" +"Ive always wanted a small room to store asian cooking tools you know, a","Wok-in closet" +"I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey. But","I turned myself around" +"How do you measure the heaviness of a 2. 4 million Scoville chilli pepper","Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now" +"Just saw a bottle of 10 year old wine","Surely thats too young to be drinking" +"Always knock before opening the fridge","There could be salad dressing in there" +"I use to be addicted to the hokey pokey","But then i turned myself around" +"So, I googled the “Rorshach” test the other day","All I could find were pictures of my parents fighting" +"Any pencil can be a number 2 pencil","if you eat it" +"What do you call an actor with money problems","Johnny Debt" +"What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea","I’ve never had a garbanzo Bean on my face" +"I met a deaf gynecologist today","Apparently, he reads lips" +"A guy walks into a bar. Ouch, says the guy","That hurt" +"This looks like a pretty good one liner","____________________________" +"My wife and I are trying to get pregnant so I've been practicing She asked me yesterday, why do nuns wear those long robes","I answered, it's just a habit" +"The Beach Boys walk into a bar. One says to the other, Round. Round. Get a round","I get a round" +"I hate the warning message for external use only on antiseptic creams. Yes yes I get it","You don't have to rub it in" +"A slice of apple pie is $2. 00 in Jamaica, and $2. 50 in the Bahamas","These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean" +"My friend told me I had to stop singing I'm a believer because I'm really bad at it","I thought she was kidding But then I saw her face" +"I just watched a program about beavers","It was the best dam program I've ever seen" +"I’ve realized the secret to having an herb garden","I just take my thyme" +"The wife told me she was freezing cold in our house. I told her she only needed to go to any corner of the house","They're all 90 degrees" +"I bought a dog off a blacksmith today for my family","As soon as I got it home, it made a bolt for the door" +"Got my sister a gift. I bought my sister a copy of the album Plans by Death Cab For Cutie for her birthday. She asked what I had gotten her, and all I said was, Don't worry, I've got 'Plans' for you. I literally told her what her gift was and she had no idea. Except when I finally gave it to her, she got the joke and punched me",":(" +"My son asked me, “Dad, can I go to the Renaissance festival. ” I said, “No. You are grounded. ” Him: No fair","Me: That’s exactly what I said" +"You can't run through a camp ground. You can only ran","Because it's past tents" +"Why do we spell “dark” with a K instead of a C","Because we can’t C in the dark" +"This is a joke about a submarine","Let that sink in." +"Has anyone here every smelled moth balls before","And if so, how'd you get their little legs open" +"I'm don't feel like eating because I can't find my gemstone collection","I lost my apatite" +"Why were they native Americans in America first","Because they had reservations" +"Tetris is a good game","In fact, you could even say it was a blockbuster" +"Did you hear about the dinosaur that loved Aristotle and Socrates","he was a real Philosoraptor" +"It's what's for dinner While my girls were playing with their new doll house, they were making their dolls say they were hungry. Me: * grabs toy dog and toy BBQ. Places dog on grill * Oldest: what are you doing. That's not very nice. Me: we're having * lifts lid off Bbq * hot dogs","Wife: * rolls eyes *" +"What do you call an I-Phone in a blender","Apple Juice" +"Two wrongs don’t make a right. But three rights make a left. Source:","Dad" +"My dad's proposal So my mom was telling me how my dad proposed to her. She said he did it on New Years Eve so he could say it took her a year to decide","So proud" +"My father and. I were at the grocery store and he told me All he has to left to get is lettuce","I asked him Oh, is that all that romaines?" +"What did the Three Magi say after giving Mary and Joseph two of their gifts","But wait there's Myrrh" +"Why is a fork better than a knife in a fight","Because it's a four pronged attack" +"Why did the reporter go to the ice cream shop every day","He liked his daily scoop" +"Which state has the smallest soft drinks","Minisoda" +"Why does Oedipus hate swearing","Because he kisses his mother with that mouth" +"I asked my grandmother how she is enjoying her new stair lift","She said, “It’s driving me up the wall" +"Someone asked if I was Russian. I said I'm not","I'm taking my time" +"Me: What would you eat on a desert island","Dad: The sand which is there" +"I work for the railroad, so they thought I was imparting important knowledge Me: I can tell a train just went through here Wife and son: How","Me: It left it's tracks Wife goes back to reading book, son puts headphones back on" +"2 parts to a brain. The left side and a right side. On the left side, there's nothing right","On the right side, there's nothing left" +"They finally had that meeting regarding daylight savings","It was about time" +"How does the cow keep his tent from blowing away","With stakes" +"So my dad dropped this one on me today. I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet…","I don’t know why" +"They buried my father in the wrong cementery","It was a grave mistake" +"What do Canadians call their Dollar Stores","Loonie Bins" +"My dad's dog Whenever we are leaving the house to go somewhere l am usually ready first and I call to my dad You ready. And he promptly says Ready's dead, but let's go","He had a dog named ready when he was a kid" +"What do you call a snooping salsa that spies on men","*peak-o de guy-o*" +"Dad-joked my girlfriend on campus today. We were walking from the library and I had a travel coffee mug but the little bit of coffee left had gone cold. I dumped the remainder in the grass so I could put it in my backpack. GF: Don't dump your coffee in the grass","Me: It's okay, it's ground coffee The look on her face" +"Why do humming birds only hum","Because they can't remember the song" +"getting my hair cut in the barbers and he asks me if. I wanted it cut around the back","I replied no its fine to do it here" +"I was going to the barber and jokingly asked my wife, “What cut would make me look the most handsome","” She said, “A power cut, probably" +"It's so hot","I saw a heatwave and I waved back" +"My Dad Pulled This One On Me This Morning","Me: I'll be back Dad: I'll be Beethoven Tldr; *slow clap*" +"When ever someone asks me, “what are you up to","” I tell them last time I checked, I was 5’9" +"I saw a guy when I was in South Korea. Really down, and out of luck. No money. No friends. No job","What a poor Seoul" +"I drank some food coloring by accident","I feel like I dyed a little inside" +"I saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today and I thought that was quite weird","I guess he must be one of those plane clothes cops" +"An ice cube is widely used to show the changes of matter","It's an solid example" +"Why do South Koreans go to heaven when North Koreans don't","Because North Koreans have no Seoul" +"Why is it so expensive to run a submarine","It's the depth charges" +"What's handy and grows","A palm tree" +"What do you call prison coffee","Grounds for punishment" +"Can Obi Wan be turned to the dark side","No, he Kenobi" +"Just remembered this one from several years ago. So I am speaking with my parents about my younger brother, who is acting different to my dad. My mom said [Brother] is just talking to your dad like this because he is going through puberty","My dad quips in with No I'm not, I went through puberty a long time ago" +"Why don't ants ever get sick","'cause they have little anty bodies" +"What makes Santa Claus so gangsta","He's a wrap artist" +"My son failed his statistics exam last term","I mean--What are the chances" +"Joke from my friends dad He's at an ATM. An old lady, not knowing how to use it asks him, Can you help me check my balance","He shoves her" +"Why don’t we have pregnant barbies","Because ken came in a different box" +"What time do i go to the dentist","At 2:30" +"Did you hear about the Leper hockey team","They had a face off in the corner" +"It's been 6 months now since I joined the gym and I still haven't lost any weight","Maybe it's time I went down there to see what's going on" +"How do you milk sheep","You bring out a monitor stand for $1000" +"What did the Dorito say to the cowboy","Cool ranch" +"Why are dogs scared of rain","Because of the pitter patter on the woof" +"Imagine if. Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…","There would be mass confusion." +"And I thought I told terrible puns. I was out shopping with my dad looking to buy a wedding gift. While I'm waiting in line to make my purchase, a woman set down her purchase (about twenty binders) next to my gift on the conveyer belt. Naturally my dad questioned her bizarre purchase, to which she responded that she desperately need to organize her documents. Without missing a beat, he grinned and exclaimed, Well I guess you were in quite a bind","The lady actually had quite a laugh, whereas I groaned and grumbled" +"I'm starting a satirical website about foot pain","It's called the Bunion" +"Why can’t orphans play baseball","Because they don’t know where home is" +"Knock knock. Who's there. Cows go. Cows go who. No, silly","Cows go moo" +"Around the campfire, we devoured oh so many s'mores. Once the stomach pain set in, it hit me","We should have eaten s'less" +"A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night","Oof" +"Check out my super bowl pics. http://imgur","com/a/vxFrJ" +"What do you call it when you do your work on a shelf","Being counter-productive" +"If you’re attacked by a gang of clowns","go for the juggler" +"Dad joke halloween costume Bow Peep https://imgur","com/gallery/08zNH" +"My son turned 21 today and as we were about to share our first drink together, I wisely advised him, Remember, vodka may not be the answer.","but it’s worth a shot" +"Wife and I had to go the bathroom at the same time. (Gross joke) I said 'let's stack. ' For those with less imagination, that would be somehow going to the bathroom at the same time, which is gross and you really shouldn't think about it too much. She said 'that's disgusting. ' And shut the door. So I said 'sorry","it was a crap idea, hope you aren't pissed'" +"You know what civilization had the biggest scam in history","The Egyptians with their pyramid scheme" +"Ice fishing So, I've been in sales meetings for work the last few days. One night I went out with a few of the reps for some drinks. We're taking a cab back to the hotel and ice fishing came up in conversation. One of the reps said You gotta be careful when you fish for ice, you could drown when you fry it up","took me a second, then I laughed hysterically" +"Don't touch that electric wire with your bare hands","I thought I was human" +"I signed up for my company’s 401k but. I have one concern. I’m not sure","I can run that far" +"Classic Dad joke my dad told me He says to me you ever see geese flying in that big V shape. And you ever notice how one side is always longer than the other. Wanna know why that is. I then let myself fall for by saying yes","He responds with because there's more geese on that side" +"What's a pronoun","A noun that lost his amateur status" +"Stairs and. Roads","The fact that there's only a stairway to heaven but a highway to hell says a lot about the expected traffic numbers." +"You saw this doctor yesterday My mum said this to my dad in hospital last week. His reply was Hello Doctor Yesterday","sad to say he passed a couple of days later, but it was such a perfect dad joke I had to share" +"I was pondering how they collected down for pillows and blankets","Manufacturers must say some pretty offensive things to ruffle all those feathers" +"What did one snowman say to the other","Do you smell carrots" +"The alarming rate at which bees are dying off","Has been a real buzz kill" +"My girlfriend just couldn’t accept my obsession with horoscopes. In the end it","Taurus apart" +"So I found a pebble that looked like a guitar pick","I told my girlfriend it was for rock music" +"Can anyone give me an example of a soft tissue . A few years ago, I was in Radiography School with the Army. During our Basic Medical Orientation class, our instructer asked my class to give an example of a soft tissue. I replied, I can name two; Charmin and Puffs. I spent the remainder of class in the Front Leaning Rest position","Well worth it" +"I saw a couple trombone players at the park today","They couldn't swing and they kept complaining about the slide" +"Before money people used to trade things like venison","A house cost twenty bucks" +"After 24 years, I finally won a pun battle with him. http://imgur","com/wEePwS7" +"What's a pirate from Boston say","Aaaaaaaaaaahhhh" +"If you took every vein in your body and layed them out in a straight line","You would be dead A joke my teacher told me in like grade 5" +"What is a pumpkins favorite sport","Squash" +"Two wind turbines were standing in a field. One of them turns round and asks “What’s your favourite type of music. The other replies","“Well I’m a big metal fan”" +"Was watching Arrested Development the other day and my girlfriend made a groaner of a dad joke. Lucille: “I have to get Dusty ice cream","” GF: “Dusty ice cream doesn’t sound very good”" +"How many south Americans does it take to change a lightbulb","A Brazilian" +"Buying all christmas presents in early december","is adventageous" +"Whats Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination","Hand eyeeeeeeeeeeee" +"Mike Tyson is refusing to support Playstation","because he's an X-Boxer" +"What do you call a group of masterbating cows","Beef Stroganoff" +"My friend and I are working on a tight deadline for our Vampire action figure business","I’m trying to make every second Count" +"What person can shoot somebody, then frame you for being there","A photographer" +"We just got a munchkin cat named Ellipses","but we just call him short paws" +"What ice cream shop uses sheep’s milk","Baaaaaskin Robbins" +"A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Wow. I’ve never served a weasel before. What Can I get ya. ” “Pop","” Goes the Weasel" +"Well, to be Frank","I'd have to change my name" +"Dalai. Lama walks into. Pizza. Hut","Says make me one with everything ." +"What do you call a web developer who likes to find bugs","A spider" +"I could never date a kleptomaniac","I don't think I have what it takes" +"How do electric cars get into battle","They charge" +"My son's math teacher called him average","I think he's very mean" +"People laugh at my car because it's ugly and green","At least I avocado" +"Am I tan. My SO just got back from a trip to cuba, while there her sister asks am I tan","Only to be met with a dad joke response you do look pretty sin over cosine" +"My friend is trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business","He makes some very good points" +"Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat","If they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat" +"Have you heard about Vladimir Putin’s Jamaican cousin","His name is Ras Putin" +"What do you call an Oriental mountain range covered in fruit trees","The Apple-Asian Mountains" +"I was getting annoyed about the can opener breaking on the tin. My dad says you mean the can't opener","-" +"My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight","She needs to lighten up" +"Dad, your jokes are so bad they're the worst form of punishment","Dad: Did you mean to say *PUN* ishment" +"If King Kong went to Hong Kong to play ping pong and died there, what would they put on his coffin","A lid" +"Me and my GF went to the fair As we arrived at the fair there was a directional sign that said **Fair Parking $20 ->** To which I exclaimed They call that fair parking","That's a ripoff" +"My dad just posted an epic dadjoke on Facebook I'm thinking of opening a shopping center which specializes in only the stores you can never seem to find when you want them. For instance: * New Navy * Half Foods * Over Armor * Paper Clips * 49 Cent Store * Seniors R Us (really old stuff like antiques) * Tom & Harry's Sporting Goods * Pier 99 Exports * Yankee Light Bulb * O","Monday's * Due Pizza (It's Italian, not Spanish) * Rhode Island Closets (they are very small) * Open Space (think about it)" +"I'm writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced","There’s a lovely key change at the end" +"Grammar nerd dad joke. Me: January is almost done. Then it will be February. My girl: Yeah. Then I can finally be eight","Me: Yes, but the correct form of the verb would be eaten" +"Why did the exorcist learn karate","So he could beat the hell out of people" +"My weather guys said the forecasts were going to be late","I said it's cool." +"My son desperately wanted to be the final character in his school play about the digestive system. He was adamant that he would not be embarrassed by the role, but the teacher refused to give it to him. I just don’t get it","He repeatedly told her that he would not be deterred" +"Guess I was built upside-down","My nose runs and my feet smell" +"I got fired today after the accident","I guess I'm just not safe for work" +"Yesterday I saw a radio on sale for a dollar. The sign said that the volume was stuck on full","I thought, well, I can’t turn that down" +"I wanted a camera for Christmas. I told my parents I wanted a new camera for Christmas and this is what my dad said","Dad- I don't know about this camera idea, you'll shoot your eye out kid" +"My wife and I were at a restaurant. How Bizarre by OMC was playing Her: I swear I hear this song every time we're here. Me: How bizarre","Her: Just cause you're a dad now doesn't mean you can use your dad jokes on me" +"My sister bet me $20 I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti","You should have seen her face when I drove pasta" +"Get my prego wife every night with this gem when when she goes out for walks after dark and wears a safety vest 'Now honey, don't forget to reflect on all sorts of things while you're out there","especially car headlights" +"So Publix has started selling coleslaw sandwiches. I guess this is a thing now, Coleslaw sandwiches. They've even got a special bread for it. I was intrigued, so I made a special trip to pick one up","I bought the slaw and the slaw bun I bought the slaw and the slaw bun" +"What's a banker's favorite rock song","How Do I Get You A Loan" +"My Dad got me with this one last night. Me: Hey Dad, do you like puzzles. Dad: Not really, I don't have enough patience, but I'm sure that doctors are great at puzzles","I took me a few seconds to realize what he had said and he started laughing" +"What do you do to a shirt that has committed a terrible crime","Hanger" +"“Knock Knock” Who’s there. “Alzheimer’s”. Alzheimer’s who","“Knock Knock”" +"Dad got me good on his birthday. Texted my dad Happy birthday pops. this morning. He immediately responded with Thank's corn Like pop corn get it. No","I'll show myself out" +"*Knock knock* Who's there. Alfredo. Alfredo who","Alfredo the dark are you" +"My dad hit me with this one after picking up a bouquet of flowers. Me: I don't get the hype around flowers, they don't even smell that good","Dad: Of course they don't, they don't even have noses" +"Soups of the day Had a customer come in and ask what the difference between the soups of the day were. I turned and looked at the board: black bean soup and fifteen bean soup. So, I turned to her and said 14 beans. She got mad and said if I wanted a snarky response I'd talk to my son. I told her that I didn't think he worked for us. She didn't like that either","People" +"When you are unhappy with life, look at the bright side","Maybe your superpower is to expect too much" +"This isn't a dad joke","But it can be an adjective, definite article, pronoun, or adverb depending on how it's used" +"I'm gonna start a streaming service where users can listen to different toilet sounds and bowel movements","I'll call it Pottyfy" +"Bank. Girlfriend and. I went into the bank to deposit some money","Me: because banks hold a lot of money, when you check your balance with the teller, do they become fortune tellers?" +"I was. Diagnosed with chronic fear of. Giants","FeeFiphobia" +"A pirate walked into a bar. He had a steering wheel in his pants","He said to the bartender, “Arr, it’s driving me nuts" +"I never really understood school shootings","I guess it's because it's aimed and a younger audience." +"Australians don’t have sex","Australians mate" +"What do you call an African elephant","A frickin elephant" +"Did you know La La Land is the 6th movie in the franchise. The first two were Do Do Land and Re Re Land","- My father" +"Did you hear about the kid with ADHD who entered the weight lifting contest","He won the hyper trophy" +"They recently banned cylindrical hay bales in. North. Dakota","The legislature was worried that that the cows weren't getting a square meal" +"They've Gone Rogue","Said this just now to my wife as she'd been saying this SUV is driving crazy next to us, they passed us and it was a black Nissan Rogue" +"What’s the difference between snow-men and snow-women","Snow-Balls" +"What does a duck say when it gets run over by an avocado truck","Guac, guac" +"Conversation with my daughter (talking about the hardships of pioneer life) Me: they could get trampled by a gang of buffalo. Her: herd of buffalo. Me: Yes, I've heard of buffalo. Her: buffalo herd. Me: What did they hear. Was it a secret. Her: No, like you herd the buffalo. Me: Yeah, well they are pretty loud","And that's when she punched me" +"I cut my own hair last week","It was a bit too short and at first I didn't like it, but it's growing on me" +"Watched a great documentary about fiber","It was moving." +"(X-post from /r/Cricket) The Zimbabwean cricket team. http://www. reddit","com/r/Cricket/comments/2gu5jz/zimbabwean_cricket_team/" +"Have you tried the new restaurant in town, called Neptune","Food is good, service is quick but it feels like there's no atmosphere" +"Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled during her menstrual cycle","They say she had a mean flow" +"Went out to a restaurant with my dad. He orded lamb shanks","When the waitress brought our food to us he said Shanks very much" +"I just spent a few minutes complaining about people who smell bad","It was a deodor-rant" +"I love how the. Earth rotates","It makes my day" +"Did you hear about the paper cowboy","He was arrested for rustling" +"Why is frozen yogurt better than regular yogurt","It’s cooler" +"What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom","Linoleum blown apart" +"My wife and I were driving by the county jail and we saw a midget who was climbing out the window attempting to escape","I said, Well that's a little con-descending" +"Therapist:Your wife says you never buy her flowers is that true","Me:Well to be honest I never knew she slod flowers" +"There's a hole in the fence at the zoo","There's a few missing lynx" +"My dad lost his leg to cancer earlier this year. Today he tweeted this: http://imgur","com/NkCtk6M" +"Where do dad's store all of their jokes","A dad-a-base" +"I'm not lactose intolerant,","I just think it's an inferior culture." +"Why is a mall called the mall","Because your going to them all" +"Shopping in Costco when dad dropped this one. Dad: Do you want to go on a date. *holds up a box of [dates](http://3. blogspot. com/-oLarG6dHeUg/TuaUBsTk_3I/AAAAAAAAHhI/Doed5AJ1-Lw/s1600/DSCN9245","JPG)* I don't think it worked out as well as he thought, but it was a hilarious attempt at a dad joke" +"What happens when a weightlifter loses weight","He becomes a lifter" +"My friend brought his broken car to me and asked whether it was safe for him to drive it. I said, “Sure","Bad brakes have never stopped you before" +"Jeff, an Oxford comma, and a semicolon walk into a bar","They both had a great time" +"A new, faster elevator was installed at work today","Well that escalated quickly" +"Running shoes Me: Buy some running shoes and then run with the dog","My GF: What does the dog need shoes for" +"We got a new guy at work His name is Steven. We already had a Steven. The other day they both walked in together. I ask > Which one of you guys is taller. > He is","> Oh, so you aren't Even Stevens" +"Did you hear about the riot in the whisk factory","It caused quite a stir" +"People keep telling me to get rid of my pet rock","But it has too much sedimental value" +"A. Roman walks into a bar","Holds up two fingers and says I'll have 5 beers please" +"Doughnut you wish you could make your wife and daughter laugh. I was holding my daughter's hand as she was throwing a fit while getting her nails clipped by my wife. To calm her down, I asked her when her fingers had turned into doughnuts. sniff *Doughnuts. * sniff Yeah, Doughnuts","It's obvious that you've got some bearclaws *crickets*" +"How does a penguin build its house","Igloos it together" +"A man lost his keys in the supermarket, so when he returned to his car, he just rubbed his ass against it","He was wearing khaki trousers" +"Dad's Advice for Golfers Make sure you bring two pairs of shorts when you play","Just in case you get a hole in one" +"Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist","Because it needed a filling &#x200B; since its pi day and all" +"How many millenials does it take to screw in a lightbulb","Hold on, let me google it" +"Did your parents pay you to be good","Or are you good for nothing" +"I could never become a heart surgeon. Why","I wouldn’t have the heart to do it" +"My wife went to weightwatchers early yesterday My wife went to weightwatchers early yesterday because from her experience the first meeting of the new year is always crowded with people resolved to lose weight in the new year. She was surprised to find that not many people were there","I said so it was a slim crowd at weightwatchers" +"Son: Dad did you get shot in the army","Dad: No I got shot in the leggy" +"What happens when the smog clears in California","UCLA" +"Did you hear the one about the ordinary tree","It was a basic birch" +"My friend told me that you can't tune a fish. I disagree","They have many scales but they are all over the place" +"Dracula’s competition Dracula wanted to know which of his bats was the best. So he organized a little competition. The bat which would drink more blood in less time than others would be the winner. The first bat went and came back after 10 minutes. Its mouth was full of blood. Dracula was impressed. He asked, Nice, how did you do it. The bat said, Do you see that tower. Behind it there is a house. I went inside and drank the blood of all the family. Dracula said, Very good . The second bat went and came back after 5 minutes. He too had blood on all his face. Dracula was shocked, How did you do that. The bat said, Do you see that tower. Behind it there is a hotel. I went inside and drank the blood of all the guests. Dracula said, Fantastic . Now the third bat went and came back just after 1 minute. There was blood on all his body. Dracula couldn’tbelieve his eyes, How did you do that. The bat said, Do you see that tower. Dracula said, Yes","And the bat said, I didn’t see it" +"Why are there walls around the graveyard","Beause people are dying to get in" +"2 fishes are in a tank. One of the fishes asks the other,","How the hell are we gonna drive this thing?" +"My dad told me he traded in his car. [For one with four-on-the-floor and a larger trunk ](https://i. imgur. com/v8PLQcO","jpg)" +"Why did the chemists phone burn his hands when he touched it","Because it was pH one" +"Why did the orchestra loose its tv contract","Too much violins on tv" +"My dad was looking for a place to eat lunch. He said, Should we try the Paradox Grille. No, I replied. I would rather eat at the Two Doctors Grille","Paid him back after all of these years" +"Why did the barista in Paris never read English newspapers in the morning","She preferred the French press" +"What do you call a bagel that can fly","A plain bagel" +"I am become Dad, maker of jokes. Talking to a friend of mine who is at a marching band competition for her little brother. >Me: Did you guys make it to the next round. >Her: We find out in about an hour. >Me: Yikes, that's stressful. >Her: Yeah, and we have no idea where we stand. >Me: Hopefully, on the field","You're all invited to the baby shower" +"Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you","But smoking bacon will cure it" +"What do Betty Crocker and Major League Baseball have in common","Great batters" +"My friends kid said he wanted to go to europe to study abroad","I asked him what was wrong with the women here." +"Why was the Italian chef so stressed","Because his job was in pasta bowl" +"I cut my finger chopping cheese. But. I think","I may have grater problems." +"What do canon balls do after they fall in love","They make bb’s" +"Did you hear about the poker-playing contortionist","He folded on a pair of twos" +"Sometimes, I tell dad jokes","Sometimes, he even laughs" +"My friend is really into Joan of Arc memorabilia","I’m beginning to worry he might be a heroine addict" +"What did Jay-Z call his wife, before they got married","Feyonce" +"I used to be a banker. But","I lost interest" +"I went to the zoo the other day. The only animal they had was a dog. It was a Shitzu","Thanks to Drinking Buddy from Fallout" +"Here Is A Joke About Drills","Nevermind, its a dull bit" +"I really admire the. Pillsbury. Dough. Boy","He's become a real role model for me" +"I had a scary dream about gasoline last night","It was nightmare fuel." +"What do you call a learning environment that specialises in teaching nuts","m**acadamia**" +"I found a tumor in the vending machine","Don't worry though, it was B9" +"How did I escape Iraq","Iran" +"Did you hear the one about the segment bisector","It's side-splittingly funny" +"Guess what my dad just yelled at the dog for peeing on the carpet","Urine trouble" +"Didn't use protection for most of my life. Now","I have hearing aids" +"What hospital extension do you call for women going into labor","Dial 8" +"What are car's favorite food","Traffic jam" +"What happens when you take a nap by the ocean","You wake up with Resting Beach Face" +"My dad said he'll hit the jackpot one day","until then it's a whole lotto waitin'" +"An apple a day might keep the doctor away","But if you want to find inner peace, you need a Daily Llama" +"You don't say My paps came in today with a phone to his ear saying, “You don’t say. You don’t say. Oh. You don’t say. Okay bye. ” Mum asks who it was. “He didn’t say","”" +"So I just got Dad Joked by my Mum Well this was a little embarrassing as she is rarely funny. Anyway, I have been off work a lot over winter with chest infections and colds thanks to my asthma and the shitty English 'winter'. She suggested I move back up north where the air is better, and I said that no, I need to move abroad with my chest. Her response: What about the rest of you","I got schooled" +"Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is","In a nutshell, it's an oak tree" +"What's the least spoken language in the world","Sign language" +"So a friend that hardly ever wears jeans came to school wearing jeans. When he first saw me he said Look I'm wearing jeans today and to that I said You don't wear jeans you're born with them","I was so happy" +"Customer got me today. I work part time managing a vineyard's tasting room. We serve a cheese plate and we tell people what kind of cheeses are on it. So I serve one and I get to the last cheese. This is a Vermont cave aged Gouda. His response was, I guess I'll find out how Gouda it is","I think I'll steal it for the next time I serve one" +"Got my mom 5 minutes ago So I was helping my mom get ready for lunch, and I took out a bunch of utensils she had put down on the counter to lay the table, which consisted of 5 spoons and a fork. I grabbed the whole bunch to take out, and my mom said, Hey, give me that fork. I was using it. To which I replied, But mom, I don't give a fork. My dad laughed","My mom wanted to kick me" +"I'm at a bar on Halloween and one of the bar tenders it's wearing a hardhat, coveralls, and goggles. I ponted at him and shouted he can't be here, he's a miner","My friend acctually covered his face in shame" +"My boyfriend is already a dad Me: What should we do for dinner. Him: I don't know, how nice were they to us","Many groans were had" +"Classic mom joke Growing up, my mom always tried to pull a fast one on us kids (I have an older sister and younger brother). She would tell me the my brother and sister has a bother that I didn't have. The first time I heard it I was a little worried about what was going on until she explained that it was me","She would also mix it up and say that my brother and I had a sister that my sister didn't have" +"What do you call an actor struggling financially","Johnny Debt" +"How did the octopus beat the shark in a fight","He was well armed" +"A shopper walked into the Wegmans and asked where they could find the raisins","The clerk said: “where the grapes used to be" +"Why are computer keyboards are so chaotic","Nothing is under Control" +"My girlfriend and I were hiking yesterday, I was leading the way on the trail a bit ahead of her and she chimed out, Is that a safe way. I said, Honey, are you feeling okay","I don't think there are any grocery stores out here in the wilderness" +"What do you call Postman Pat when he retires","Pat" +"Funny “A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer","Bartender says, ‘Sorry we don’t serve food here" +"I was watching Zootopia on netflix with my girlfriend over the weekend. I'm watching it with her, and halfway through the movie something clicks in my head. Me: Holy shit I just got it,this is a bunny cop movie GF:","ME: instead of a buddy cop movie And then she proceeded to beat me" +"Preparing for my brother's wedding My brother got married recently. While we were getting dressed in our tuxedos, my dad and my brother's wife's sister's husband, who is a gynecologist, were trying to figure out how to tie my brother's bow tie (the rest of us had clip-ons). They were watching a video as my gyno-in-law carefully followed along. My dad said, 'It's so complicated. So many folds. ' And my brother's wife's sister's husband said, 'good thing I'm a gynecologist' posted this story as a comment in a recent r/AskReddit post","Thought you'd like it too" +"I hate music boxes","They always wind me up" +"My boss parked in the ONLINE ORDERS ONLY space at Chipotle","I said, Careful Boss, You might get Burri-TOWED" +"If","Elvis were alive today he'd still be singing to which my uncle replied I'm pretty sure he'd be clawing at the inside of his coffin" +"This sub is seriously disappointing me lately","I think I'll try the meatball next time" +"What do you call a group of horses","A neighborhood" +"Why do you not have brakes. Today as I was locking my bike to the bike rack, I saw another biker approaching the bike rack at a high speed. Instead of using his brakes to slow down he was using his shoes to slow down. It looked scary at first because it looked like he was going to crash into the rack. When he finally stopped, we had this exchange: Me: Do you not have brakes, or something. Him: No, and I haven't used brakes in months now Me: Why. Did they . break","followed by this gesture (☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞ He didn't even look at me and just walked away" +"Couldn’t find my seat at the. Elton. John concert","I’m still standing" +"Why do crows not get hit by cars. Because there is always another crow yelling, Caw","Caw" +"Tenses The past, present and future walk into a bar","It was tense" +"Did you hear about the guy that invented Tic Tacs","I hear he made a mint" +"Wine makers could probably use some cheering up","You know, from all depressing." +"Mom breaking out a joke at lunch Me: Something is wrong with this pork, it's foul","My mom: Don't be silly, only birds are fowl" +"Every damn vacation IDK if this has already been said by someone else, but I heard it from my dad first. We always took long road trips for vacation and every once in a while my old man would see an ice cream place and ask us kids Who wants ice cream. We of course would say we wanted some in which he almost always replied Ok, just taking a poll","9/10 we wouldn't get ice cream, he was just messing with us" +"My Dad's addicted to ladders","He uses them just to get high" +"What do you call a helpful sister","assister" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school","The teacher had to wake him up" +"I just met the happiest girl ever","Her name was Sarah Tonin" +"My mom brought home half a gallon of half-and-half from the store","I asked if it could be called quart-and-quart" +"President trump wants to abolish and reverse all the pro choice movements that have been made","And there's no plan b" +"My friend told down the window and said he loved the air. Me: If you love the air so much, you should marry it. Friend: Maybe I will. We'll get married and have a beautiful baby daughter. M: You should name her Duchess. F: Why Duchess","M: Because she's the *heir*" +"I had. Lasik surgery yesterday","It was an eye opening experience." +"What size of coffee does a psychic order","Medium" +"Did the universe just dad joke me. I work at a store that buys used video games. As per store policy, I was throwing away the cases to a few Nintendo DS games someone had just traded in. 2 made the toss to the garbage can. The one that didn't","Myst" +"I went to a child psychologist once","He was absolutely rubbish, he was only seven" +"Why do dads tell such awesome jokes","To help kids become awesome groan ups" +"I got a valentine from a pickle today","It meant a great dill to me" +"How did I escape Iraq","Iran" +"I have a tattoo of the Scottish flag on my arm. Step dad is in Scotland","Step dad texts me this morning Hey Paul, they really love you over here in Scotland, they show your tattoo everywhere" +"What do you call an acid with an attitude","A-mean-oh acid" +"It’s not clear if Elon Musk has really moved on with his past alien-girlfriend relationship","Look how much he’s invested in his Space Ex" +"How does a penguin build it’s house","Igloos it together" +"It's been months since I bought the book, How to scam people online","It still hasn't arrived yet" +"Dad joked my co workers today. Group of my co workers were talking about Eggs Benedict and one guy was talking about the worse hollandaise sauce he ever had on his eggs benedict","I looked at them and said guys everyone knows that there's no place like home for the hollandaise" +"What's Forrest Gumps favorite pasta","Penne" +"Did you hear about the blind man who fell in a deep hole full of water","Apparently he didn't see that well" +"I’ve just been diagnosed as colorblind","It certainly came out of the purple" +"Where do young cows eat lunch","In the calf-ateria" +"What do you call a security guard at a samsung store. Guardian of the","Galaxy" +"Why I don't follow golf Me: Ooo, the ball just landed in the tall grass. DH: Awww, that's rough","" +"My Mum was asked how the 50 Shades of Grey movie was","Dad cuts in and replies she hasn't had a chance to go yet, she's been tied up" +"Son, do you know why it’s hard to be a dyslexic atheist","Because your dog doesn’t believe in you" +"I burned 2000 calories yesterday","I left my pizza in the oven too long" +"Got the best one at dinner. I'm talking with my girlfriend at dinner, and we're at chilis. I look at her and she goes it's chili in here and I looked at her with the stupidest grin","She meant it was cold in here" +"Why can't you sit in a circle for long","Because it's 360 degrees in there" +"My little brother was making a mobile of the solar system Brother: Dad, what color is Uranus","Dad: the same as yours" +"The thing about fish puns","They're really scalable" +"My dad gave me a. Walmart gift card for my birthday","Then he said Don't spend it all in one place." +"I don’t just play soccer cause I like the sport","I’m just in it for kicks" +"What rock group has four men that don't sing","Mount Rushmore" +"Is buttcheeks one word","Or should I spread them apart" +"Yo Momma is so mean","She has no standard deviation" +"My first dad joke My 10 month old was sitting in her high chair and twisting and moving all over the place. My wife looked at me and told me to Straighten her up I looked at her and said What are you doing with your life. Do you want to be this way forever. It's time to grow up","My wife hasn't asked me to do anything since" +"I wish my kid would listen to me when. I tell him about the dangers of. Russian. Roulette","It goes in one ear and out the other." +"Ham. What do you call some one that can eat ham out of their right AND left hands","Hambidexterous" +"I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger","Then it hit me" +"Why don't aliens visit earth any more. It got terrible ratings","Only one star" +"I feel great today. I feel like a 20 year old","*Know where I can find one" +"What do astronauts use to stay warm","A space heater" +"The doctor looked at me with a concerned look on his face and rasped, Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards","I screamed, AND" +"All my friends said they would wear camo shirts to school today","It was not fun to eat alone" +"Where did the baseball store the lemonade","In the pitcher" +"I bought a second hand bike","It's recycled." +"Michael used to be a pretty good noun","Now, he is a pronoun" +"What did Sushi A say to Sushi B","Wasa B" +"Why did the bear wear slippers","To cover his bear feet" +"Why did the rapper thank the sidewalk in his acceptance speech","Because it kept him off the streets" +"Groans in an elevator . In a hotel with my family, got in an elevator with my kids . other people had pressed floors 3, 5, and 7. I said those must be some prime floors","There was one stranger who laughed and one of my kids who face palmed" +"Jack and the beanstalk is all about a stripper","He climbs a pole to find someone who grinds men's bones for bread" +"Florida may be the sunshine state","But it clearly isn’t the brightest." +"Pretty proud of getting my co-worker with this one Him: Hey I'll be right back just gonna run and grab some lunch","Me: Why don't you take your car it'd be much faster" +"Initially,. I was upset by my alien parasite","But then it grew on me." +"Which. Spice. Girl can. Cary the most petrol","Geri can" +"Daughter had a good dad joke She got an ice cream cone from the freezer. When she opened it, and found the tip of the cone was broken","She said there's no point eating this" +"Rumors have it my roommate is going to surprise me with a set of loudspeakers","I don't like the sound of it" +"Quarantine","(its an inside joke)" +"Why did the blind man fall down the well","Because he couldn't see that well" +"My account is a joke. It’s","April fools and my cake day" +"Knock Knock Who’s there. Broken pencil. Broken pencil who. Never mind","It’s pointless" +"My friend said she'd get me a cheese grater for my birthday","I said I'll be very grateful" +"What did the comedian with a leg amputated at the pelvis tell to the audience","A half-assed joke" +"Shit Zoo Friends of mine were on vacation and decided to make a trip to the local zoo","They found it a little disappointing They only had one animal display, it was a Shih Tzu" +"Store clerk: “So, are you sure you want to purchase this pillow","” “I think I’m going to sleep on it" +"My girlfriend said she'd only marry me if I overcame my ambulance obsession","I can't wait to get down on one knee nor knee nor knee nor" +"Obvious father at work today. *standing next to a computer ready to clock out* Man 1: does the computer's time clock still say it's a minute slower","Man 2: it doesn't say anything, you need to read it" +"Peeing in McDonalds Dad walks in What're you doing here","Isn't this where the dicks hang out" +"I showed up over dressed to a family member's party and my aunt spilled sweet tea all over my dress shirt. She solved my clothing problem Aunt Jay: I'm so sorry I ruined your nice shirt","Me: You didn't ruin it, you turned it into a tea-shirt for me" +"I don't let my son watch any music documentaries, he's not old enough","There's too much sax and violins" +"My Taylor Swift dad joke I'm a dad. I came up with this one yesterday","I thought Taylor Swift was a same-day hemming service" +"My girlfriend's roommate had a fling with a personal trainer","It was never going to workout." +"Addiction problems Me: Thanks for staying with me the past few months, by the way. GF: What. Why. Me: Well. I've been struggling with this addiction for some time now. I was addicted to soap, but I'm clean now","*huge grin* GF: sigh" +"I think we're in for a bad spell of wether","I'm sorry (not really)" +"I asked my anaesthetist whether I can administer the needle myself. She said, “ Sure","Knock yourself out" +"Shouldn't NASA's company cafeteria be named","The Lunch Pad" +"Why can't a nose be 12 inches","Because then it would be a foot" +"My sandals are made out of frogs","They're Open Toad shoes" +"What do you call will in the medieval times. A black","Smith" +"I bought a new sports jacket for hiking","It's a trail blazer." +"Why didn't the banana go to jail","because he had an appeel" +"I don't always tell dad jokes","but when I do, he likes them" +"What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a hole","Phil or was it Doug" +"Why are all the numbers afraid of 7","Because 789" +"My son tried to make me drink his protein shake","I said 'no whey!'" +"Why. Is. Dark. Spelled. With. A. K and. Not. A. C","Because you can’t c in the dark" +"What do you call Batman when he skips church","Christian Bale" +"Where do sarcastic people put their bamboo","In a pan, duh" +"Friend uses a lot of small candles as decorations","Her place looks tealight-ful" +"What did the time-traveling cat say to it's younger self","Are you kitten me" +"I named my son 0","000001 He's one in a million" +"Had my first dad joke at dinner tonight. Dad - These burgers have gouda cheese on them, and those have white American on them","Me - These burgers are gouda, but THOSE burgers are bedda" +"What does a group of doe do for a fun night out","They go downtown and blow a few bucks" +"My brother: Can I have some money to hangout with friends. Dad: You need to get a job. I'm sick of you always asking for money. My brother: Can I have some money to hangout with friends. Dad: You need to get a job. I'm sick of you always asking for money. Brother: Hi, I'm Sick of you always asking for money, I'm your son. Dad: *tearing up* You're going to make a great father one day","Lets start by getting you a job though" +"What has four wheels and flies","A garbage truck" +"My dad literally just pulled this one on me Dad: Wanna hear a joke about erect penises. Me: Sure","Dad: Nah, it's too hard" +"The bird war is over","They signed a peace tweety" +"What are the strongest days","Saturday and Sunday, all the others are week days" +"A guy walks up to the convenience store counter and tries to buy a six pack with a fake $20 bill. The elderly woman clerk quickly realized it was fake and became enraged. She started screaming, grabbed his hair and slammed his head on the counter until he was out cold","She was SO upset she had a counter fit" +"A farmer was arrested and soon after a large quantity of hay was FedExed to the police station. When they asked the farmer if he had anything to do with it he said","Yeah I asked my son to post my bale" +"What happened to the Hippie after he fell over","He broke his joints" +"I wrote a song about a tortilla","Well, it’s more of a wrap" +"Where were you the night of the murder. COP: Where were you the night of the murder. CROW: I was with a group of friends COP: What would you call that group","CROW: …I want a lawyer" +"Got my classmates with this one today. First off I am a guy and was arguing with a girl. I don't remember the topic but it ended like this: Me: Well no, I'm right because the world revolves around me. Her: NO, it revolves around me. Me: Well no, I'm a son. I got a collective ooooh ' from the entire table","Took her about 10 minutes to come up with a (bad) comeback" +"Got the wife at work today. So I stopped in to see my wife at the office and part of her job entails billing and invoicing. Wife: Is this a statement. (While looking at a piece of paper talking to her assistant. ) Me: No that was a question. She proceeded to throw a pen at me","And btw, this post pops my /r/dadjokes cherry :)" +"What do you call a badly done circumcision","A rip-off" +"I happened to see one of my pals dressed as a priest","Apparently its his altar ego" +"What’s ET short for","Because he’s only got tiny legs" +"This furniture store won't stop calling me","But all I wanted was one nightstand" +"How do you make holy water","You boil the hell out of it" +"What Do You Call A Magician Who Has Lost Their Magic","Ian" +"A ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying blue paint","Both crews ended up marooned" +"I went to the restaurant on the moon the other day","The food was out of this world but there was little atmosphere" +"I dadjoked my girlfriend driving through Buffalo tonight Me: Man, I wish I could have seen this place in 1976. Her: Why in 1976","Me: So I could celebrate the bison-tennial" +"So There's A Bee's Nest In The Front Garden My mum called a beekeeper, who was keen to come and take them away before something bothered the nest. So keen, he set off from 20 miles away at half nine at night. My dad's comment","Well of course he's keen, he's got some freebies" +"My girlfriend also dad joked me this morning. Wake up. Did you hear about the Spanish Train Burglar. No. What happened","I don't know, but they're saying he had LocoMotives" +"Father in law was barbecuing for labor day I asked if he wanted to help and he said Yeah for sure, but then I said nah forget, you can just go shuck yourself","He was proud I married into the family" +"That damn UPS man My dad pulled one on my brother when he was going to an interview for an internship with UPS (delivery service). What does the UPS guy say when he drops a package. What. Oops Laughed too hard at first because I thought it was some sort of anti-joke. But nope, just a lame pun","Stay classy, pops" +"Eggs and Bacon walk into a bar","and the bartender says Get out - we don't serve breakfast here" +"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom","Because they're all dead" +"What are the strongest days of the week. Saturday and Sunday","The rest are weak days" +"Did you know that before the civil war. In school. Jefferson","Davis was voted most likely to secede" +"Have you guys heard that new rumor going around about butter. no","Well I don't think I should be spreading it" +"Arnold Schwarzenegger was invited to a 1700’s themed party, when asked what he would go as he replied","I’ll be Bach" +"If you want to find out if someone is lying, dont use a lie detector","Use a de-fib-rillator to get straight to the point" +"What way does a cyclops wing its eyeliner","It doesn't matter, because Nobody will criticize them" +"Did you know about the Mexican holiday that celebrates cheese","It’s called Queso Dia" +"I dropped my toothpaste","He said crestfallen" +"Do you know why you never see a Pirate weep openly","They shed privateers" +"Where do you take someone injured in a Peek-A-Boo accident","To the I C U" +"Did you hear about the man with five penises","His pants fit like a glove" +"I met a French guy at my interpreter-training class, we were having conversation about food. And suddenly he said, I like snails. Why don't Americans eat snails. I was thinking for a second and replied Because","maybe they like fast food" +"My daughter told me that after I was done with my shower I could play with Play Dough","I told her that I'd prefer to play with Aristotle" +"Farmers just don't grow grapes","They're raisin them" +"I don’t normally tell dad jokes","But when I do, he usually laughs" +"My dad asked my brother if he had to go to the bathroom Brother: No, why. Dad: Because you're wearing a pea coat","He later took a selfie with the camera he was supposed to be taking pictures of the family with" +"How should a vegetable addict overcome their addiction","Cold turkey" +"What did one mosquito say to the other mosquito that just cracked a joke","'That's malarious' 😂" +"Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk","The stock market" +"The latest Hollywood health craze is to regularly drink a mixture of almond milk and milk of magnesia","It's called a Blue Diamond Phillips" +"The leader of the boat walked up to one of the officers. He said, 'I've got an important job for you. What I need, is for you to find out what two is in roman numerals. 'II, Captain","' the officer replied" +"When birds fly in the V formation why is one side longer than the other. Because there is more birds on that side","Source: actually told to me by my dad" +"“Dad, What’s your favourite part about the Harry Potter movies","” Dad: It has to be the casting" +"A new pump I bought a new pump today for €10","That exact pump was only €8 last year, but that's inflation for you" +"Got the wife and MiL yesterday All while planning next year's big trip to Disneyland. Wife: We can make our daughter wear a dress. MiL: Yeah she could wear a tu-tu. Me: Well if we're going all out, why don't we just get her a three-three. *eyes roll* MiL to Wife: You know you could wear a tu-tu too. Me: The math still adds up, so we are getting a three-three. *groans* Wife: Shut up","Thanks, I'm here all week" +"Where do crayons go for vacation","COLORado" +"I refused to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft","But when I got home, all the signs were there" +"I always knock on the door before I open the fridge","Just in case there’s a salad dressing" +"What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle","The polar bear" +"How are playing chess and eating in an Australian restaurant similar","They both end with checkmate" +"Making fun of people with erectile disfunction","Is kind of a dick move, if you ask me" +"My dad meat-joked my mom My parents were brainstorming dinner ideas. Dad asks my mom if she can make him a steak. Mom: Yeah but it probably won't turn out well Dad: Good. I prefer medium rare I smiled and nodded in approval","Mom thought we were stupid" +"Dad, I want to keep bees. Today I sent my dad a text, proclaiming my desire to start keeping bees when I move into my new house next month. Below is a transcript of our text conversation: Me: Dad, I want to start beekeeping at the new house. Dad: I tried that once, but I broke out in hives. Dad: Must be allergic Dad: Not sure how to keep bees, but I'm sure we could bumble our way through it. Dad: Don't know where you get bees so we'll have to comb the area for them. Me: I thought if I ignored you this would stop. Me: . now I'm SKEP-ticle Dad: Lol. Good one. Now I'm all abuzz with new ideas. Me: Nope. We are done. As an aside, my wife is pregnant, and I'm soon going to be a father","Clearly the dad joking begins during the first trimester" +"Why are drug addicts afraid of heights","They're too high" +"Had to pick myself up off the floor after this one. So here in the UK we have a game show called the cube were contestants complete challenges to win cash. On Saturday night a contestant came on and she only had one hand. She walked away with £20k","My sister comes out with she has enough money to buy a new hand now and my dad lays this one on us almost instantly 'she'd have to go to a second hand store'" +"My wife took me to dinner tonight. She looked at my empty wine glass and asked if I’d like another one","Why would I want two empty wine glasses" +"What do you call a bunch of cows masturbating in a field","Beef strokinoff" +"A friend of mine asked me whether I’m happy with my bird collection. I said, “Egrets","I have a few" +"Today my wife offered to give me a massage after I came home from work","I was deeply touched" +"Does anyone here hold the javelin world record. No","Well, it was a long shot" +"Did you hear about the new corduroy pillow","It's making headlines" +"I was doing research on the presidents of the USA And my computer froze on the 35th one","You got to be John F kidding me" +"My doctor had me go in for a brain scan","They didn't find anything" +"What kind of fish was it. My wife was explaining her fish and chip lunch and how the fish was too light and not filling. I asked her what kind of fish it was, she didn't know so I asked her if it was hollowbit","She wasn't amused" +"Wanna hear a dirty ass joke","A donkey fell in some mud" +"A median and a mode walk into a bar. The bartender says, “I’m glad you ditched your friend","He is mean" +"A weasel walks into the bar. The bartender says wow. In all my years bar tending I’ve never seen a weasel in a bar before. What can I get for you","Pop, goes the weasel" +"Why did the drum player commit suicide after being charged with homicide","He couldn't handle the repercussions" +"Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married","The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was incredible" +"[OC] My wife and 16-month old son were bouncing around on the bed when her sister called on FaceTime. Their son is only 11 months, and they're more cautious parents than we are. She asked, When do you stop worrying about him falling off the bed","I said, when he stops falling off" +"ThatHappened I once held up a sign that said applause","Then everybody clapped" +"I've decided to step up my dad joke game in 2015. So","I'm posting this from the upstairs computer" +"Why does a scuba diver fall backwards out of a boat","Because if he fell forward, he would still be in the boat" +"What did one vegetarian say to the other","We’ve got to stop meating like this" +"Why is your bathroom the most international part of your house","Because you're Russian on the way there, European while you're there, and you're Finnish when you leave" +"He digs. She digs. We dig. They dig","Now it's not a very nice poem, But it is quite deep" +"Did you hear about the restaurant on mars","The food was incredible but the atmosphere wasn’t that great" +"Fellow. Dads, don’t forget that it’s best to serve eggs. Benedict on a hubcap this time of year","We all know there’s no plates like chrome, for the hollandaise" +"Have you heard about the Spanish magician. He said, “On the count of three, I will disappear. ” “Uno. ” “Dos","” And then he vanished, without a tres" +"Why do some witnesses sometimes wear a crucifix into court","So the lawyers can cross examine the witness" +"How do the trees get on the internet","They log on" +"I took my kids to the zoo to see the big cats. [Picture](https://imgur","com/SMOi3qN) (You can just tell how my son felt about the joke)" +"I dunno man, Mt","Rushmores kinda gay I mean 4 guys, rock hard, and no one said no homo" +"What kind of cake do you get at McDonald's. A stomach cake",":D" +"What do mathematicians daydream about. *Imaginary numbers*","I'll be here all week" +"What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter","A irellaphant" +"What do you call a preppy bandit on an escelator. A condescending con descending","My friend Brittany told me that, I'm still chuckling at it" +"When someone tells me to stop acting like a flamingo. That’s when","I put my foot down" +"My wife gets mad because I keep messing with her red wine","So I added some fruit and lemonade to it and now she sangria than ever" +"Boyfriend was had by his daughter, she might be better at dad jokes than he is. Dad (while doing dishes): baking pans are such a pain in the ass, they don't fit in the sink","Daughter: you mean pan in the ass, right" +"Where does Frosty put his money","In a snow bank" +"I got a pepperoni pizza for my girlfriend. Best trade","I ever made" +"I was saddened to learn that my cousin was run over by a boat in Venice today","I sent his family my Gondolences" +"Am I ready to be a dad now. It has been raining the last few days where I live, especially so this morning. My girlfriend, as I was leaving, told me: SO: Be careful today on your way to work. The roads are very slick. Me: I know","Last week, one tried to con me out of $50" +"Sorry for all the animal jokes, but","Alpaca a few more in before I'm done" +"What do you call a dog with a blocked nose","Mark" +"A fella with a chemical symbol tattoo I asked him what chemical it was. Caffeine was his reply","It was only polite to apologize for my inquisitiveness: It would have kept me up all night trying to work it out" +"I found the perfect way to compliment my kids using mathematics","U =QTπ" +"A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses","The doctors report that he is in a stable condition" +"Three legged dog walks into a bar and says","I’m looking for the man who shot my paw." +"Did you hear the joke about a blunt pencil","Nevermind, it's pointless" +"This palm tree on the subway was really creepy and inapproriate","It keep trying to frondle everyone" +"Edgar Allan Poe is about to walk into a tree and you can only shout one word, what do you say","Poetry" +"I was looking through the cards in the supermarket. One said on the front: Thank You For Being A Role Model Dad. How cute is that","So I slipped it into my pocket and took it home to show my kids" +"My wife is furious at our nextdoor neighbour that sunbathes topless","Personally I'm on the fence" +"[OC] My friend is teaching me how to count in Spanish, he tries to calm me down when I can’t remember what comes after uno","He tells me “Don’t Stress”" +"What do you call an orphan taking a selfie","A family photo" +"Did you know that Gandhi never wore shoes. And due to his fasting he was very weak and had awful breath","He was a super-fragile-calloused-mystic-hexed-by-halitosis" +"What was the airline pilot's favorite type of yogurt","Plane" +"Girlfriend reached for my bread at a pan-Asian restaurant","I told her, Naan of it was for her" +"My mom falls for this every time I come home ME: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my. Who. ME: Uh, I can't remember. I think her name was Reese something. MOM: WITHERSPOON. ME: No, it was with a knife","My mom stares at me confused and then gets angry, while my dad grins from ear to ear, with a single tear of pride" +"I started reading a horror story in. Braille. Something bad was about to happen,","I could feel it" +"My daughter said she was cold","I told her to sit in the corner, it is 90 degrees" +"What do you call a man with a shovel in his head","An ambulance,due to the fact that he has a rather serious head injury" +"What did the janitor yell when he jumped out of the closet","Supplies" +"Got my coworker yesterday. He was prepping his GRE and I noticed he had a book on word comparisons and grammar, pretty much like those SAT questions in the verbal section. My response after he commented on how reading it has improved his language skills: My vocabulary is awful, for lack of a better word","The resulting groan was glorious" +"Sometimes I wake up grumpy","Other times I let her sleep" +"Dad Joke for Star Wars Day [This](https://scontent-ord. fbcdn. net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1. 0-9/11188361_876487222387558_2856603010747510762_n. jpg","oh=251cb4b8074af58554dd8706b41c01ea&oe=55C99CF3) one made me lose it this morning" +"At least his girlfriend thought it was funny I'm a lead host at a restaurant when this couple walked. Me: Hi. Welcome to restaurant. Boyfriend: Hey do you guys have any tables here. Me: No sorry you have to eat on the ground","He instantly realized what had just happened while his girlfriend was laughing super hard" +"While at a beach house for Thanksgiving my dad pulled this one off. My dad's chair kept lowering on its own, and he said to my Aunt Now I know what it's like to be you Then we started listing advantages of being short. He said you could goto movies for a child ticket. she replies I used to He said I used to be able to too Really","Yeah, back when I was a kid" +"I just told my wife I need a WifeAlert","I’ve fallen for her and I can’t get up" +"Grate, now what am I supposed to do. [Grate, now what am I supposed to do. ](http://imgur","com/a/HXySa) (Happened when I was trying to prepare a grilled cheese for my daughter's lunch)" +"One of the most popular searches on pornhub is Minecraft porn I tried searching for that once","Unfortunately, it was blocked" +"Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much","Because they're hip" +"What do you call a horny quadrilateral","An erectangle" +"What is the smallest word in the dictionary. Envelope","Because it only has one letter in it" +"Why couldn’t the bike stand up by itself","It was two-tired" +"Why did the scarecrow win an award","Because he was outstanding in his field" +"Where do hillbillies go to find their family history. Incestry","com" +"What do you call the world's tallest vampire","Count Everest" +"Why can't leopards play hide and go seek","Because they are always spotted" +"Why can't Chinese couples have Caucasian children","'Cause two Wongs don't make a white" +"Teacher: “Which Of The Two Travels Faster, Heat Or Cold. ” Teacher: “Which Of The Two Travels Faster, Heat Or Cold. ” Student: “Heat” Teacher: “What Makes You Think That","” Student: “Because We Catch Cold“" +"Do you guys remember the chiropractor joke. I put up","About a week back?" +"Lying in bed with my girl All romantic, very lovely, stealing kisses here and there. Her cell phone is just within arm's reach, so I pause the making out and gently place the phone on her forehead, and I whisper… * Headphones","* And then she vibrate-laughed for like ten minutes" +"Did you know before the invention of the crow bar","That’s crows had to do all their drinking at home" +"Why do seagulls fly over the sea","Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called baygulls" +"What do you call a turkey that looks like another turkey","a gobbleganger" +"The lights at the Chinese restaurant were too bright","So I asked them to Dim Sum" +"Daughter's video game character got turned into a vampire, she didn't like it when I said, That sucks","Jeez, I make a perfectly good vampire joke and that's the fangs I get" +"Last night, I told my diabetic son “sweet dreams”","He died in his sleep" +"I went to the computer shop and told them our family computer has an internal part that has stopped working The shop assistant said, Motherboard","I said, Yeah, she can't do online shopping anymore" +"Actual exchange between my 8-year old daughter and I 8yo - Hey dad, knock knock Me - who's there. 8yo - daddy boo Me - daddy boo who. 8yo - awwww dad, don't cry, your life isn't that bad","I just got dad-joked, hard" +"My. Chinese","Dad told me this one. 1" +"You could be facing 20yrs. I pulled out cash for our rent and gave it to my wife to hold. She put it in her jacket and tossed clothes into the laundry without removing the money. I hear Wife- ohhh. I found the money, I washed it","Me- don't tell anyone, you can get in trouble for money laundering Collective groans went around by everyone in earshot" +"How much does pirate corn cost","A Buccaneer" +"My grandad got a police officer pretty good. He accidently went down a one way road the wrong way as it was recently changed and he didn't realise. A cop saw him and pulled him over. The cop came up to him, and said, You do know this is a one way road. My grandad responded with, I know, I'm only going one way. They both had a good laugh about it, ticket still issued",":(" +"I went to my dads funeral in disbelief I said is he really dead","I swear I heard a faint no I am dad from the coffin" +"I don't like","Russia dolls they're so full of themselves." +"Why do cows wear bells","Because their horns don’t work" +"It's cold in the office Let me adjust my [thermos tat. ](https://i. imgur. com/rhu8fwW","jpg)" +"I looked mysteriously at my son and whispered, I steal candy bars using sleight of hand","So I guess you could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve" +"I just told my son to vacuum his room","Turns out he anti-vac's" +"What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left for college","Bison" +"Bar pickup Girl says to me: I just graduated from school and now I work for a nonprofit called The Panther Club . Me: in ten years will it be The Cougar Club","Didn't work" +"What does winter fat turn into","Spring rolls" +"Is your refrigerator running","Because I’ll vote for it" +"If inmates were in charge of taking their own mugshots","Would they be called cellfies?" +"I'm gonna grow my own fingers","By planting palm trees" +"I like to tackle all of my neck problems","***head on***" +"My co-worker wondered out loud why the super nice prison inmates that run our print ship are in jail. I said, maybe they killed someone with kindness","" +"What's the highest form of flattery you may ask","A plateau" +"My brother and I inherited a watch from my grandfather, which we take turns wearing on special occasions","It's a time share" +"Got my girlfriend while working out Today we were jogging and my girlfriend told me about an instagram account she had made to put pictures of her weight loss and said it was private and only invited people that she looks up to. Then I asked her why she added me too","She said Well of course I look up to you I replied I know, I'm taller than you" +"Apparently there was an almond charged with aggravated assault","I get the police do a lot of good, but I don’t know how I feel about them busting a nut in public" +"If you clean a vacuum cleaner","You become a vacuum cleaner" +"Perception is everything","At least that's how I see it" +"Today, My son asked: Can I have a book mark","I burst into tears, after 11 years my son couldn't remember that my name was James" +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon","Great food, no atmosphere" +"What do you get if you cross a lion and a jaguar","Eaten" +"Man, I haven't gotten any karma ALL YEAR","title" +"I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out","he's just going through a rough patch" +"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before","&#x200B; &#x200B;" +"What do u call Bruce banner when he becomes hulk","Mark rough-fellow" +"Dad joked my fiancée while mattress shopping Yesterday, we went mattress shopping and ended up buying the second or third bed we laid on","In the car on the way back, I told her That could have been a hasty decision, we should have slept on it first" +"A man threw sodium chloride at me today","I replied that's a salt" +"My wife is a body builder","Yep, she’s pregnant" +"My daughter turned 18 today, so I bought her a locket and put her picture in it. As I gently placed it around her neck, chocking back the tears, I said, Well, sweetheart, I guess you really are","independent" +"I bought a desk lamp for a dirt cheap price but it broke the day after. Went to the store to complain but I couldn’t get it fixed or refunded","The store’s manager told me that I bought a one night stand" +"The invention of the shovel was ground breaking","But the invention of the broom really swept the nation" +"My 11 year old daughter asked me tonight, Dad, do you know what I don't get. apparently An allowance","wasn't the answer she wanted" +"The other day my daughter was making my ID on Facebook, she asked me for a password 8 characters long","So I thought a lot and finally picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" +"I just found out that I’m color blind","The news came completely out of the brown" +"Accidental poop dad joke with boys I am a single father of two boys that are 8 and 10. These conversations happen way to regularly around the dinner table. My Oldest: Dad I think pooping is a waste of time Me: Yea, a solid waste of time I didn't realize the pun until a few moments after I had said it","" +"George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie. George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie. George Clooney said, “I’ll direct. ” Leonardo DiCaprio said, “I’ll produce","” Matthew McConaughey said, “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write" +"My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair","It's ok though, she always comes crawling back" +"The other day my dad was making pea soup and cutting up onions. I started to cry because","Onions was a good dog." +"My dad got me pretty bad with this. So one time there was this kid named Tim. Tim wanted to really wanted to go to the school prom with a girl named Janet. So one day, at school, he walked up to Janet and asked if she wanted to go. She said yes. So once she got home she told her mom. Her mom was very excited for her and called all of their family to share the news. Then, that weekend, Janet and her mom went dress shopping. They looked and tried on several dresses until they found the right one. Janet tried that one on and was very happy. Meanwhile, Tim needed a tuxedo. He looked online and found a great shop and put in an rental order. The next week he came in and picked it up. On the way home he picked up a corsage. And once he got home, he ordered a limousine. The day of Tim put on his tuxedo and grabbed the corsage just as the limo arrived to pick him up. Then the limo took him to Janet's house and her parents took a lot of pictures of the two of them. Once their parents were finally done taking pictures, they left for the prom. They bought their tickets and went inside and danced for a while. And then, Janet asked Tim to get her something to drink","He went to find something, but there was no punch line" +"While discussing holiday vacation plans. GF: What day is Thanksgiving on this year. Me: Thursday. GF: http://i. imgur. com/peMjgNU","gifv" +"I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger","And then it hit me." +"How is Europe like a frying pan","It has Greece at the bottom" +"How do trees get on the Wi-Fi","They log on" +"So a guy walked into a bar","He said it left a bruise" +"Why did the bullet end up losing his job","He got fired" +"Why are jokes about hats never funny","Because they always go right over your head" +"I visited a jewelry store in. Poland last year","I was amazed how polished everything was" +"How do you get a musician off your front porch","Pay for the pizza" +"What do you call a zoo with only a dog","shih tzu" +"What is an English to French dictionary called","A Two-Deux list" +"My roommate got me good with some farm humor. My roommate and I driving through the country and we see a farmer tilling his field. To each other we sat","Me: you till that field Roommate : you till it who's boss" +"Boyfriend asks if I know why Windows is skipping Windows 9 and coming out with Windows 10 instead. Because Windows 7 8 9","*facepalm*" +"So I got a text from my son. Popped up while he was at school, couldn't resist. [http://imgur. com/CyqqCyq](http://imgur. com/CyqqCyq) When I picked him up from school - couldn't tell if he was mad or not","He later said his friends saw, then admitted he actually showed it to them" +"My dog is named Minton Today he ate a shuttlecock","&#x200B; Bad Minton" +"Allow me to tell you a joke about. Nirvana","Nevermind" +"[Semi-NSFW ]Why shouldn't you buy trousers from Northern Ukraine","Because chernobyl fall out" +"Who's in charge of delivering mail at the Vatican","The Pope's Office" +"'Did you know that all the people who live around here aren't allowed to be buried in that cemetery. ' 'Really. Why not","' 'Because they're not dead yet" +"Did you hear about the YouTube video discussing the new disease","It went viral" +"I’m a bit uneducated","Whenever the World Health Organization is in the news… I gotta ask “WHO" +"Jesus told John to come fourth, and he would receive eternal life in heaven","But John came fifth and all he received was a toaster oven" +"What kind of sex does a priest have","Nun" +"My wife said my farts sound like ducks","I said it must have been all the quackers I ate" +"I put my phone under my pillow last night and went to sleep","When I woke up it was gone and a pound coin was in its place Damn that Bluetooth Fairy" +"How do you know if a magazine on the rack is outdated","It's behind the Times" +"I was going to tell everyone a joke about Sodium","but Na" +"What's more impressive than a talking dog","a spelling bee" +"What's a dad joke without a pun","Just a ch line" +"My 7 year old just made me so proud My wife: can you call my phone. I can't find it Daughter: MOMMY'S PHOOONNNNE","And now I'm sitting here with a huge grin while my wife is glaring at me" +"I think my youngest sister has the potential to be a great dad one day. Both of my sisters have runny noses. Eldest sister: My runny nose is so gross","Youngest sister: Mine is snot" +"What do you call a liar sitting in a river","In de nile" +"I like telling fart jokes","I let one out every once in a while" +"My dad just put a potato on our sofa at my birthday party to see who would notice","He just sat in the corner with a smirk on his face" +"Oldie but goodie Why can't ghosts have babies","Because they have Hallow weenies" +"I’ve spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula’s house","I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui" +"she wanted the dog. housemate 1. : I'd love a beagle me: what the space probe. Housemate 2. : sigh* shut up. are they difficult to manage","me: i'd expect so, it took half of NASA to put it on mars the response was furrowed brow's and giggles" +"Just got dadjoked by mom. I mention to my mother that I was low on whey protein and would need some before returning to school. Her response: Oh, no whey","" +"Dad, make me a sandwich. Dad: Poof","You're a sandwich" +"If you want to know how to reduce the blood supply in one part of your body","Please raise your arm" +"What's a guitar player's favourite brand of computer","Asus" +"I told my dad that my air bnb bookings had been decreasing recently","His response: try earth bnb and then water bnb instead ....." +"Today I met a man who was holding a cage full of bees. Confused, I asked him, Hey man what's up with the bees. And he suddenly said, You're ugly. Affronted, I said, Ugly. And what do YOU know about looks","So he told me, Beauty is in the eye of the beeholder" +"On my daughter's career choices. My one-and-a-half year old was playing with a hair brush, so I looked at her and said Do you want to be a hair stylist when you grow up. To which she smiled and giggled. My wife pipes up saying It isn't like it's a dying field. I began laughing and struggled out Actually, it is a dyeing field. She looked at me like i was a moron, but damn I couldn't restrain myself","Edit: Grammatical inconsistencies" +"Did you hear about the bear that got murdered","It was a grizzly scene" +"What's the best thing about Switzerland","I don't know, but the flag is a big plus" +"Be careful insulting fire fighters","Always make sure it is a controlled burn." +"I told my wife and kids they will be seeing less of me in the next couple months","I’m starting my diet today" +"My old chemistry teacher is definitely a dad What's the matter, sir. What do you mean","I AM THE MATTER" +"What do you call a scientist who studies avian sexuality","A Hornithologist" +"Overheard this while picking up lunch today. Bought some pizza slices and while I was filling up my drink from the soda fountain, there was a family of four talking about, of all things, medical professions. The daughter at the table said she thought a proctologist was basically a pervert since they'd be focused on butts all day every day. The mom explained that you wouldn't call a heart surgeon who uses tools to literally crack open a person's chest cavity and muck around with things a serial killer, so why would you call a doctor who specializes in proctology a pervert. The dad then chimed in No that's not right. a serial killer is someone who uses Captain Crunch to murder another person. Silence at the table, and the daughter groaned rather loudly. I happened to make eye contact with the dad and just smirked and nodded, which made him beam, and walked out the door to hear him say Right. Right guys","Well done, sir" +"Why don't Lobsters share. Because, they're Shellfish","(X" +"Walked right into this one Walking through a parking lot with a friend and I forgot where I parked. Friend: you know memory is the second thing to go. Me: what's the first thing to go","Friend: I can't remember" +"Dad joke :( Every time I say yo to my dad, he replies with yo yo ma every single time. then proceeds to laugh at his so well thought out joke. conversations usually go like this me:yo dad: oh. YO YO MA me: no but really dad i- dad: *hysterically laughing* Yo","*pause* dad: YO YO MA me: dad plz *cue round 2 of dad laughter* dad: ok yo yo ma what is it" +"If you have the soldiers named Salt and Pepper in your squad then consider yourself lucky","They're seasoned veterans" +"What do you call an alligator in a vest","An investigator" +"What is a web developer's favourite tea","URL Grey" +"Don’t trust atoms","They make up *everything*" +"Conversation between Bellatrix Lestrange and Harry Potter: Bellatrix: I killed your godfather. Harry: Are you serious","Bellatrix: Dead Sirius" +"What's the difference between a woman who plays Fortnite and a lesbian mermaid","One's a gamer girl, the other's a gay mer-girl" +"What kind of animals does lady gaga have living in her house","j-j-j-j-just ants" +"Why have postal workers always been considered pioneers and trail blazers of their time","Because they're always pushing the envelope" +"What happened to the Dr. Pepper after he got stepped on","He was sodapressed" +"This morning I saw the milkman drinking a sip of milk before leaving it in front of my door","How dairy" +"What do you call a person that only has one side of their body","ALL RIGHT" +"ALERT: do not eat at. California. Pizza. Kitchen. Their crust is","Faulty" +"Why the bicycle fall over","It was too tired" +"At the bar with a group of friends Waiter: can I get you anything. Friend: 6 beers please (pause) and you guys. Every. Single. Time","And I still laugh" +"What’s a duck drug addict addicted to","Quack Cocaine" +"Why did the room packed with married people seem empty","Because there wasn’t a single person there" +"Dad jokes vs Father jokes Dad and I went to the movies are a few years ago to see the second Lord Of The Rings movie and we found ourselves sitting a row in front of the catholic priest, Father John, who married dad and my step mother. We were in a small rural town so they started chatting about local sport and affairs and so on. The trailers start and they kept talking quietly. Suddenly, a preview for The Passion Of The Christ comes on","Afterwards dad says Oh, that looks like one for you, Father Father John looks a little unsure Yeah, well, I've already read the book" +"I always thought air was free","Untill I bought a bag of doritos" +"I used my Grandpa's blood pressure monitor. My Grandpa checks his blood pressure daily, and I decided to take my own. When it finished it read 114 over 61. Not knowing what either number means I said Hey Grandpa, what's the difference between the top number and the bottom number","He walks over, looks and says In your case, I'd say about 53" +"Did you hear about the coal mining startup that used child labor. Thankfully they caught it early","So it was only a minor minor miner issue" +"Watched the news the other day about an armed robbery. of course it was armed","Kind of hard to rob a place with no arms" +"Why didn't the bicycle stand back up","It was too tired" +"I have a friend who believes the world was created in Central Europe","He is a Croatian-ist" +"Out of all the professionals. I’ve been to for treatment,. I’ve found chiropractors to be the funniest","They just never fail to crack me up" +"What do you call a bisexual person who is single","They are on standbi" +"What do you call a person in wheelchair","By his name" +"What do you call an exploding dinosaur","Dinomite" +"I walked into my son's English Language classroom and told the teacher that he was setting a bad example. 'Why. ' he asked","I said, 'At the bottom of my son's homework you put 'A for effort' when clearly it starts with an E" +"Where do carrots eat their dinner","At the vege-table" +"My sister turns 42 on Monday Considering it's a weeknight and we have kids and all, I told her not to get her hopes up. As it is, I say, we'll only celebrate it for less than a minute","When she asked what the heck I was talking about, I reminded her: This is your forty-second birthday" +"My wife threatened to leave me because of my obsession with the Monkees","I was skeptical at first, but then I saw her face" +"How do you make an Italian wine","Insult her cooking" +"Did you hear about that french street performer who was famous for juggling sugar cubes","His name was Ambidextrose" +"My mom refused to tell me her secret chili recipe until she was 85 years old","Then she spilled the beans" +"If a cow with two legs is lean beef and a cow with no legs is ground beef, what do you call a cow playing with itself","Beef Stroganoff" +"When I started learning math, I thought fractions were easier than decimals","I think I was missing the point" +"Her:I don’t even know what the cloning machine does","Me:Well that makes two of us" +"I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it","I thought it was pretty straight forward" +"What my daughter (Ariha) thinks i do Ariha: which company do u work for daddy. Me: Apple Ariha [sternly]: Daddyyeee, stop selling fruits","I almost cried 😭" +"What red and bad for your teeth","A brick" +"What shakes at the bottom of the ocean","A nervous wreck" +"I never understood school shooting jokes","I guess they’re aimed at a younger audience" +"What did the French tower say after falling over","Ei-ffell" +"My dad's favorite joke when I lived at home Whenever I had friends over he would always ask them: are you on your bike","When the reply was yes, he immediately responded get off then" +"I go to bed with a ruler. I like to know how long","I slept" +"My wife plays soccer","she’s a keeper" +"What do thieves, penises, and elevators have in common","They are always up to something" +"What do you call a Communist sniper","Marxman" +"Dad got me tonight. Me: My car has five cylinders. Dad: Well that's odd","God damn it Dad" +"What do you call cheating in Bird Sports","Fowl Play" +"What do you tell your weightlifting partner when he loses an auction for a mattress","Bad bed bid, bod bud" +"If today was a homework assignment","It would be a piece of cake" +"I tried to tell my dad a dad joke. It didn't work out like I planned. http://imgur","com/69VGDYu" +"How many wizards does it take to change a light bulb","Depends on what you want to change it *into*" +"Why was Dr. Pavlov's hair so soft","Because he conditioned it" +"What do you get when a dragon sneezes","Out of the way" +"Saw a donkey kick a sheep today. What an ass","My Facebook collectively disowned me :(" +"Why don't werewolves drink Coors light","Because they're silver bullets" +"What do you call a magician who likes chocolate","A magician who has a couple of twix up her sleeve" +"Have you ever had sex whilst camping","It's fucking in-tents" +"So my GF and I were out running some errands. On the way back home, she asked me is there anywhere else you want to make a stop. Then the light we were approaching turned red. Oh, I don't know","I guess we can stop here" +"My GF said to me, I'm growing impatient","So I said, What type of plant is that" +"Orion's. Belt is a waist of space","I give it three stars." +"I think I'm going to open a store that sells rocks","When we have special promotions, I can make a commercial on the radio that says don't take this shale for granite" +"Which dog knows how to swim","Scuba-doo" +"What do you get if you cross a mosquito with a mountaineer","Nothing - you can't cross a vector with a scalar" +"My wife, daughter and I were building a fort. Daughter: Daddy, we are building a fork Dad: yes, it's very knife. Mom: umm","Dad: hope we can play again spoon" +"With great power. Son was pretending to use the remote as a wand. Avada Kedavra. Looked at him","You just killed the TV" +"Obama delivers a great dad joke while both his girls stand next to him and laugh. It is hard to believe this is my 7th year pardoning a turkey. Time flies","Even if turkeys don't" +"Why are koalas not classified as bears","They don't meet the koala-fications" +"Got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks","To the crocodiles" +"What is Boyle's favorite song. Under pressure","He listens to it at a low volume" +"I just won 2 free tickets to a game. And my pregnant wife decides to tag along to look for seating. &#x200B; Me: \*Thinks to self\*. These tickets are for the section C. &#x200B; Me: Honey, where's the C section. &#x200B; Wife: Um, I didn't get one yet","&#x200B; Me: \*Looks below\*" +"My friend is competing with others to become a prison guard","He is a con-tender contender" +"Where do naughty rainbows go","Prism" +"Why won't lobsters help you. Because they're shellfish. I made that up for my 3 year old after I gave him a stuffed toy lobster I got on business in Boston. He brought it in to show and tell and told the class the joke","Made me so proud" +"My grandmother found out she was part Native American","When she found out, she said, How" +"Brutus, what is that ice falling outside","HAIL Ceaser" +"A lady said she recognized me from the vegetarian club","but I swear I had never met herbivore" +"Never buy perforated paper","It's a tearable ripoff" +"The quarry near my house went out of business","I guess they hit rock bottom" +"What do you call a fat psychic","A four-chin teller" +"Did you know that the french fries weren't actually cooked in France","They were originally made in Greece" +"I hate astronauts","Always looking down on people." +"Why do 1, 2, 3, 5, and 7 keep attacking me","I'm a prime target" +"I made fun of the sun","And it burned me back" +"My girlfriends's dadjoke on computer specs completely blindsided us last night. I wonder if quad core or duo core matters much. Well, Apple's have a single core, and they run fine","*Cue groaning" +"I broke my toe last night. My mom texted my dad, breaking the news and stating I'll be in a boot for a while. My dad responded: Ugh","I mean, UGG" +"I can tolerate the math class, or even the history class","but the art class is where I draw the line" +"I've been torturing my daughter with jokes for years now [And here they are](https://imgur. com/a/gD62okp) In case this is your first time here (I haven't posted in a while), I find jokes here and elsewhere on the internet (and now my friends have started sending me jokes), and I text them to my daughter. I then capture her reactions for those sweet, sweet internet points. Thanks very much to the original joke submitters. You dads are alright. If you missed any of the previous episodes: [Vol. 1](https://www. reddit. com/r/dadjokes/comments/57hc3w/ive_been_torturing_my_daughter_with_jokes_for/) [Vol. 2](https://www. reddit. com/r/dadjokes/comments/5b4zxi/im_still_torturing_my_daughter_with_awful_jokes/) [Vol. 3](https://www. reddit. com/r/dadjokes/comments/5rmwo2/dadjoke_daughter_torture_3_still_the_dad/) [Vol. 4](https://www. reddit","com/r/dadjokes/comments/6d95wc/ive_been_torturing_my_daughter_vol_4/)" +"Why don't lesbian households home cook meals","They only eat out" +"Wife doesn't like my feet on the coffee table Tells me to put my feet down, so I point at my feet and say You Stink","- Wife was not impressed" +"To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you","You have my word" +"What is the cleanest animal in africa","The hygiena" +"What is the difference between a fly and a bird","A bird can fly but a fly can't bird" +"I went on a rampage this morning","But all it had was a few pictures of dodge trucks." +"I can't see trans people having children","They would be trans parent" +"My dad to my niece, How do you catch a unique rabbit. Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit","The tame way" +"Math. Conversions 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond","Credit to my economics professor" +"What title do you suggest to the author of an incomplete book about Finland","Finnish: The Book" +"My coworker is getting a new car She told me she wanted a Ford Fiesta in candy blue. I responded Fiesta, huh. Sounds like a party","<Insert groans>" +"How do you call a spanish guy crossing your property","Trespassito ^((i am so sorry, alexa play despacito))" +"Do the French play video games","Wii" +"Why did the pilot blush","Because he saw the airstrip" +"A limbo champion walks into a bar","He is disqualified" +"So at school, we had to move the tables to see the whiteboard better When we were all done, the teacher said Oh, how the tables have turned","Lots of groans" +"What do you call a fat doctor that specializes in urinary tracts. A meteorologist","Girlfriend told me to stop" +"I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance","Unfortunately, she blew it" +"What do you call a nose floating in space","No body nose" +"Teenage girls always group up in odd numbers","because they can't even" +"What did the fire protection equipment say to the fire fighter","No guarantees, but I'll do asbestos I can" +"Every time I see these signs on the road. http://images. roadtrafficsigns. com/img/lg/K/Watch-For-Rocks-Sign-K-6417. gif http://images. campgroundsigns. com/img/lg/K/watch-for-wildlife-crossing-sign-k-0324. png I think, Hmm","That's an interesting trade" +"Whats it called when a boeing 747 bounces on the landing strip","A boing" +"What animal is always at a game of cricket","A bat" +"Why do cows have hooves instead of feet","Because they lactose" +"Apparently there’s a big deaf school in my area. I guess","I haven’t heard about it yet" +"Guys. The CEO of Samsung is super popular now","His phone is blowing up" +"All the Harry Potter movies should have been rated R","Too much cursing" +"Talking is such a waste of time. You know we could communicate telepathically","if we put our minds to it" +"I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet","They were two toucans" +"I got a sweater for Christmas","What I really wanted was a moaner or a screamer" +"I'm growing my hair long for the first time ever and my wife HATES it. so yesterday I asked her. Me: Is my hair growing on you at all","Her: No Me: Well it sure is growing on me I got the biggest eye roll in quite awhile" +"Wife :. I'm mad. Me :","Again or still ?" +"If you ever go golfing, make sure to wear two pairs of pants","In case you get a hole in one" +"lettuce see the problem A man goes to see his doctor because he has a lettuce leaf sticking out of his ear. Hmmm, the doctor says, that's strange. The guy replies, I know","And that's just the tip of the iceberg" +"Good for me, right","I'm so good at being lazy that I was awarded atrophy" +"My dad got me good tonight. I told him I have a random question, he responded by telling 65","When I expressed my confusion he told me it was his random answer" +"My wife and a hand grenade have one thing in common","Remove the ring and my house is gone" +"Math majors are important","They count the most." +"So we're doing shower related dad jokes. I used the bathroom last night while my girlfriend was showering, and forgot to close the door on my way out. GF: Honey. Me: Yes, darling. GF: What's the difference between a hot shower and the NFL. Me: Uh, what. GF: Well in one of them I look forward to the draft",":-I" +"Last night after multiple rounds in bed with my girlfriend, I roll over and say I'm fucking tired","After a moment she gave me a pity laugh and stopped talking" +"How do Tectonic Plates greet each other","By shaking lands" +"How do hipsters drink their tea","They drink it *before* it gets cool" +"I just saw my wife with her sexiest underwear on and it only means one thing","I have to get out of them before she sees me" +"If my son is transgender","I guess that makes me transparent" +"When my co-worker asked for some of my Indian food","I told him that he would get naan" +"Why did the Mexican take some Xanax","For Hispanic attacks" +"I trust that guy as far as I can throw him","That’s what the hulk says about people he really trusts" +"My dad just dropped this one","The guy who invented knock-knock jokes won the Nobel prize" +"My wife couldn't decide what to eat Should I have chicken, soup, or pizza. Absolutely","Chicken Super Pizza sounds awesome" +"What do you call a fake noodle","An impasta" +"What's a bartenders favorite book","Tequila mocking bird" +"I found a weird white, sticky and tasty substance in my field where I grow vegetables","It's the cream of the crop" +"My daughter is going to be a great dad someday. Wife: we need to start saying grace before dinner","Daughter: grace" +"We haven't had any snow in southern Ontario. In response, my dad made this. http://imgur","com/EQWhBcx The text says: For Sale 2nd hand snowman" +"My boss said he'd fire the employee with the worst posture","I have a hunch it might be me" +"This dad got a police dispatcher good. https://www. youtube. com/watch. v=VJh4XyZhD58&feature=youtu. be Worth the :19 second watch","Don't watch in a place you don't want to be caught giggling out loud" +"My butcher told me about his contingency plan if he runs out of sausage skins. It's his. Wurst. Casing","Scenario." +"My wife asked me if there was an interesting alternative to using nails or screws as fasteners. I told her yes","and it's riveting" +"Why did the urologist leave his job after working out","He became a meteorologist" +"Elevator music","It bothers me on so many levels" +"I was really into studying the full moon","Now my interest is waning" +"Why did the soldier flush the toilet","Because it was his duty" +"Why do milking stools only have three legs. Because the cow has the udder","(My dad *just* pulled this one out on us" +"stars in night A girl asks a boy: Peter, how much do you love me. The boy looks her in the eyes, Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you. The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars","” Boy nods, Exactly" +"Milk is the fastest thing on Earth","It's pasteurized before you know it" +"Me: I need to go to a hearing doctor","Dad: I don't know if I've ever met a deaf doctor" +"A duck bit me last weekend. I shrugged it off at first, but then I started feeling really under the weather, so I went to see my doctor","Good thing I did, turns out I actually contracted a pretty serious mallard-y" +"What do waiters do when there are no customers","They wait" +"Got my co-worker this morning Me: Does your coffee taste ok. Mine tastes like dirt. Him: No. Why. Me: It was only ground this morning","*cue groans from a 3 desk raduis*" +"My friend Jack claims he can communicate with vegetables","Jack and the beans talk" +"What's a tree's favorite drink","Root beer" +"Playing bridge is like having sex","If you don't have a good partner you'd better have a good hand" +"What do you call the runners up award at an astronomy competition","A Constellation prize" +"What did the pig say on a hot summer's day","I'm bacon" +"Hiking with my girlfriend and her parents when her dad asked me. How do you stop a bear from charging","-take away its credit card" +"Dad: What did the baby plastic want to be when it grew up","A famous wrapper" +"I've been in a metal band ever since. I got married. But now that. I'm divorced,","I can finally take this gold ring off." +"Why cant you steal a cat","You end up cat-napping every time" +"The goose said to me, “quuuaack, quack quack. ” I replied, “quack, quaaack, quack","” My brother said, “I didn’t know you spoke Portugeese" +"You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose","but you can't pick your friend's nose" +"What's an extra-terrestrial's favorite food","Spag-E" +"Very proud of my son. While on Pirates of the Caribbean today he said","Dad, Im really dissapointed in the lack of fog on this ride, It feels like a mist opportunity" +"How does Mother Nature give birth","With a sea-section" +"I'd never take part in a pie-eating competition","It's totally irrational, it would just go on forever." +"A Mexican magician A Mexican magician tells his audience he is going to disappear on the count of three. Uno. Dos. Poof","He disappears without a tres" +"HELP. WANTED:. Zen. Buddhist. Monk","Inquire within." +"Man walks into a zoo The only animal there was a dog","it was a shitzu" +"Just emailed to me by my dad The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A2 in Kent recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% . of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by cars. The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger","They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout Cah , not a single one could shout Truck" +"Before going to the washroom, you’re ‘merican. After going to the washroom, you’re ‘merican. When you’re in the washroom","European" +"To whomever stole my antidepressant meds","I hope you're happy" +"My girlfriend asked me this morning where she left her toothbrush. I told her to check next to her toothcomb","The eye roll was legendary" +"Had to return my chocolate chess set to Thornton's Me: I demand a refund. Assistant: what's wrong with it. Me: It's stale mate. Assistant: Surely not","Me: Check mate" +"Man, I haven't (insert common thing) all year","*hearty laugh*" +"My standup routine about statistical inaccuracy went really badly","It was a comedy of errors" +"Have to Get Specific Got my girlfriend with this one just now. Me: Going into the kitchen to get something to drink, you want anything. GF: Sure Me: Anything Specific. GF: No don't think so Me: Anything Vague","*proceeds to laugh the whole way to the kitchen*" +"I was making Asian noodles with my girlfriend and said, If I had an apartment in Thailand, I'd call it my Pad Thai","" +"Why shouldn’t ever loan a leprechaun money. When they pay you back they always come up a bit short. Told to me by my son","I’m so proud :)" +"I was going to post a joke here","But I'm sure you already Reddit" +"My dad texted me during my prep period today Dad: Guess who I saw today. Off guard me: Who. Dad: Everyone I looked at 😬 Me: Dammit dad lol ------------several hours later---------- [he usually calls me on the way home from work to shoot the shit as I have a 45 minute commute] Me: Hey dad what's up. Dad: How do dinosaurs clap. Me: Ooooookay. How. Dad: They don't. They're all fucking dead. [then chuckles and proceeds to tell me about this program our local minor league baseball team has to give free tickets to games to students with high grades","as if the above didn't just happen]" +"I love watching. America’s. Next. Top. Model","I can’t wait to see how fast it spins" +"Huge explosion at the hair brush factory","Investigators are still combing through the wreckage" +"If a quiz is quizzical, what's a test","8)" +"Dad nuked us with this one last night while watching. Cosmos. Neil deGrasse","Tyson was talking about how the earliest fish had no eyes, to which my dad responded I guess they were just fsh." +"A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. If you don't get it look up panda in the dictionary . Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves. --- Since today [Merriam Webster even has the word dad joke](https://www. merriam-webster","com/dictionary/dad%20joke): a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny" +"The first French fries were not made in France","They were made in Grease" +"I was in a rush and opened a bag of herbs","Now I have too much thyme on my hands" +"What US State has the best dental hygiene","Fluoride-a" +"I like the theory of the death penalty. But","I have a problem with the execution." +"Don't trust data reports that only use the median","They don't mean much" +"I have a joke about a muffler. But it's exhausting","*drops mic*" +"Took the dog to get his nails trimmed","Told the wife, Yea, I got him a PETicure" +"Did you hear about these new reversible jackets","I can't wait to see how they turn out" +"I used to race snails","I thought I'd take off the shell to make them faster, but it just made them sluggish" +"My wife and I went out for dinner the other day. When I ordered a steak she angrily said You really like meat huh, murderer","I sighed and replied I has been 20 years, can you please stop bringing up the time I shot your father" +"Dadjoked my buddy Buddy: Just tried my hand at making guacamole - and it was a success","Me: Next, you should try your foot" +"I love eye jokes","The cornea the better" +"Why couldn’t the dumbbell hold his liquor","Because he was a light weight" +"How do puns work in different languages","With a visa" +"Why are balloons so expensive","Inflation" +"Donald Trump. At taco night with my kids: Me: Did you hear Donald Trump wants to ban all of that preshredded taco cheese. Kids: <blank stare> Me: Because he wants to make America grate again. Kids: <groan, get up, leave table> Me: Left laughing hysterically by myself","worth it" +"I have a speed bump phobia. But","I am slowly getting over it." +"How do you find a blind man on a nude beach","It's not hard" +"Grandpa joins the fun Grandma: I really wanna see the new Draft Day movie, but I don't know about the language","Grandpa: I think it's in English" +"Newton, Pascal and Einstein were playing hide and seek. Einstein was the seeker. While Pascal ran to hide behind a tree, Newton just stood behind Einstein, while drawing a 1 by 1 meter square with a marker and standing in it. Ready or not, here I come. shouted Einstein. Found you Newton","No, you found Pascal" +"I dadjoked my mum this morning. still smiling at my joke. My mum had been going on a diet recently and said to me I've lost a stone. I can't believe it","I said, Did you check behind the sofa" +"What do you call a fish without eyes","A fsh" +"Two antennas got married","The reception was wonderful" +"My grandpa did this one yesterday at a restaurant. A guy walked in with a jacket that had the outline of a skeleton on it. After he walked past us my grandfather leaned over to me and said, I think he needs to eat more. I looked at him confused because the guy was a little bigger","You can see all his bones" +"Just to let you know, my name is. Three and before you say anything,. I know,","It's odd" +"A friend of mine fell into an upholstery machine. but it's ok","He's recovered" +"How do you organize a space party. http://imgur","com/n5ORWDr" +"What do you get when you put mascarpone in a sneaker","Tiramishu" +"If a story's climax happened over a river,","Would it be on a suspension bridge?" +"Dadjoke gif https://i. imgur. com/xznXgZs","gifv" +"What has two butts and kills people","An assassin" +"Todays date I could not remember the date when signing a form at work. When co-worker told me the date, I replied: It's hard to remember, it varies from day to day","I got eyerolled" +"What's a pirate's favourite brand of cutlery","Long John Silverware" +"My wife spilled her red hair coloring all over the bathroom","It looked like somebody dyed in there..." +"When driving past a cemetery: “See that cemetery kids. That must be a really nice one. ” “Why do you say that Dad","” “People are just dying to get in there”" +"Girlfriend was helping me make a pizza last night. She was looking through the spices asking me what I wanted. Her: Garlic. Me: Yes. Her: Onion Powder. Me: No. Her: Thyme. Me: 8:18","She didn't think it was as funny as I did unfortunately" +"What do you get grammar police for making detective","A posh trophy case" +"I got my friend really good. Me: What do you want to be when you grow up. Friend: I dunno, maybe a doctor, but a good one","I don't want to be a Gastroenterologist or something like that and look at assholes all day Me: Yeah, that sounds like a shitty job *groans from everyone at the table*" +"Why did the golfer bring 2 pairs of pants","In case he got a hole in one" +"For you IT Nerds: If you mess something up in SQL Management Studio, it will be alright","you can just wait for the SQL" +"My wife just accused me of having zero empathy","I just don’t understand why she feels that way" +"How. My. Dad. Became. Ruthless. His girlfriend","Ruth broke up with him" +"I asked a tea connoisseur what tea he drinks","He said he drinks a Varie-tea" +"My son asked me how long I’d been feeling Covid symptoms for","I told him “right off the bat”" +"If. Pinocchio chops down a tree","Is he committing tree-son?" +"Found a bargain,. BOGO for paddles","It was an oar deal." +"Best dad joke I heard this week in the gameofthrones subreddit (possible spoiler for e10) That had to be a nice watch to stab someone that many times for it [Credit](http://www. reddit","com/r/gameofthrones/comments/39v9dz/s5fuck_the_nights_watch/cs6z6wa)" +"Orchestra double dad joke Background: In most orchestra music, there is a rehearsal mark written in every once in awhile, in the form of letters or numbers. This makes it easier for the conductor to tell us where to play, e. OK, violins can we hear your part at letter M please. So today: > *Conductor*: Are there any parts anyone particularly wants to go over. > *Orchestra member*: Can we go over C please. > *Guy in my section*: I'd love to go overseas. Europe would be nice. *groan* Later, I tell my boyfriend about the joke. > *Boyfriend*: Oh, I thought you were going to say you had to cut that part of the song out. > *Me*: . why. > *Boyfriend*: Because it was the C-section","*GROAN*" +"I was going to eat a clock today","However, I found it to be too time consuming" +"What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato","A dictator" +"Wanna read a bad joke","a bad joke" +"What is a pirate's favourite fruit","Arr'vocados" +"Bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning","Within 10 minutes of getting home he'd made a bolt for the door" +"My wife screamed There's an ant on my computer. When I look at it, she had changed the background to a picture of her with our nephew","/r/auntjokes" +"What do you call a massage therapist who believes men are inherently better than women","A massaginist" +"I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic. Oh yes, quite a few. the librarian said. Sorry to hear that. I said laughing","They'll all be ruined by now" +"It took me forever, but I finally finished Steven Hawking’s book","It’s about time" +"What do you call a corpse on a boat","Dead weight" +"Dadjoked my girlfriend a few days ago We were driving past a field with cows in it. She told me, Look. There are just two white cows in that whole herd. I told her, They must be the moo-nority. Then she gave me that really. look","Much laughter ensued" +"At the Mediterranean restaurant last night","Me: Our waitress must not be from around here Mom: You're right maybe she's Russian Dad: Now that you say that she was moving pretty fast" +"I was shopping with my girlfriend and bought a pack of condoms on sale","I looked at her and said, More bang for your buck!" +"Did you hear about the peasants in the 14th century","Their actions were revolting" +"What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car","Carlos" +"What's the best time to go to the dentist","Tooth-hurty" +"I don't think. I'll be able to tell you the whole story about the rich kid's birthday presents","There's a lot to unpack" +"The only thing flat earthers fear","Is sphere itself" +"Grandfather got my uncle We were sitting at the table eating dinner for my brothers birthday and my uncle was telling a story and it went down like this. Uncle: I go back upstairs and I was just beside myself - Grandfather: - That's called a mirror son","Uncle: *Groan*" +"Do you know why some people bang on the side of the ketchup bottle while others bang on the bottom of the ketchup bottle. Me: No. Why. Him: To get the ketchup out","*Told to me by my grandfather-in-law as I was banging on the side of the ketchup bottle" +"When you die, which part of the body is the last one to stop working. The pupils","They dilate" +"The man that invented throat lozenges died last week","There was no coffin at the funeral" +"How did the lumberjack lose all his teeth","Accidentally" +"Why did the white supremacist not mind going blind","Because he was used to nazi-ing" +"Why should John have known Yoko was a problem","Her last name is Ono" +"Why did the coffee file a police report","It got mugged" +"I have a fetish, and. I remember the first time. I tried to do it with a granola bar","It was just nuts" +"What do you call someone who points out the obvious","Someone who points out the obvious" +"My child told me he wants to become an engineer when he grows up. So, of course, I looked at him and said Engineer","I didn't even know engines *had* ears" +"Did you hear about the astronomer who studied the moon for 24 hours","They got bored and called it a day" +"Easter. I hardly know her. http://imgur","com/TrU6p1F" +"Wanna know why I don't drink water","It's because I'm a man of taste" +"Who built the round table for the Knights of the Round Table","Sir Cumference" +"It's not pop or soda, it's called soda pop","Because when you drink it, it soda pops in your mouth" +"Asked my Dad if I could borrow his umbrella Ok","just don't get it wet" +"Someone stole my dictionary","I have no words" +"I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD","They are telling me I have Gary Busey" +"I wanted to tell you some quality jokes about a dull pair of scissors","But, none of them make the cut" +"What has two butts and kills people","An assassin" +"I was having trouble making a spreadsheet so I just put Effort in the 4th cell of the first colum","Atleast I got an A4 Effort" +"Bike joke My friend rode his bike to meet up with me: Me: How was the ride. Friend: My bike is tired. Me: Two tired. I thought it was clever","=/" +"What's Yoda's last name","LayHeeHoo" +"What music did people listen to before the wheel was invented","The Rolling Stones" +"Nice try dad So my dad and I are planing to go on a jog, and I tell him my shins hurt from falling on the stairs the other day. His reply","Well, you SHINndt do that -_-" +"Me and my friend were both really big foodies and loved a good steak but then she turned vegitarian. It’s like","I’ve never met herbivore" +"Got my teacher and classmate today Before class started I overheard my teacher and peer discussing hard copy textbooks vs","online textbooks: Classmate: > I don't know, I can't really put my finger on it, I just prefer having a hard copy Me: > Actually, you can put your finger on it" +"I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger","Then it hit me" +"Why do cows wear bells","Because their horns don’t work" +"What has only one finger and is very demanding","A Ransom Note" +"“Oh FUDGE. ” I yelled as if I had forgotten something. As we were driving by the chocolate store","Groans had by all" +"The roof is not my son. But","I will raise it nevertheless." +"I took a picture of my plane landing, and was immediately arrested","The cops said it was in descent exposure" +"The man who invented autocorrect has passed away","His family will be holding a private funfair necks monkey" +"I lost the phone, tablet, AND the computer I use for work","Looks like I'm left to my own devices" +"I was arrested for using my kid as a barrier","It's a minor, a fence" +"Why do mice have such small balls","Because not many of them know how to dance" +"What's the Hawaiian squirrel's favorite anime","My Hero Macadamia (Nut) [Full disclosure that's my son's joke]" +"UPS drivers are some of the funniest people on Earth","I guess it's all in the delivery" +"Why don't we know the weight of the rarest diamond in the world","Never mined" +"This kid at the school assembly is my hero Context: Our school was having a presentation at assembly from Together for Humanity - a multi-faith not-for-profit organisation that is helping schools, organisations and communities to respond effectively to differences of culture and belief . The presenters were an orthodox Jew, a Muslim, a Christian and an atheist","When they asked for questions at the end, my new hero asked Have you ever gone to a bar together" +"My son and I double Dad Joked my wife This stupid song from the movie Grease comes on the radio and my wife asked, Do you know what part of the movie they sing this song in. I said , The worst part. She said, No the end","And my son replied, So the best" +"Mom:. If. I were 20 years younger,. I would travel the world. Dad:. If. I were 20 years younger,","I would be glad you left" +"My daughter asked me which band I like the most","I quite like elastic but my favourites got to be hair- they just seem to fit any style" +"PSA: DON'T STAY QUIET IF SOMEONE TEXTED YOU LIKE THIS","There is a high chance that you were subjected to capital punishment" +"I used to be addicted to soap","But I'm clean now" +"I decided to dress up for Halloween this year","I didn't know what I'd dress up as so I asked your mother She said I should try to be a Neck Romancer" +"Why is it always cheaper to buy a Tesla with a dead battery","Because it's free of charge" +"I’ve never broken anything before","Except for that Coinstar machine I knocked over, but that doesn’t count" +"My dad buying a coffee He bought his coffee and paid with a £10 note and got his change which included a new £5 note which is plastic and still fairly uncommon. The woman serving said: This is the first time I've seen these, see cause it's plastic do you think you could leave it in your pocket and wash it and it would be ok. You can't do that, it's illegal. How's it illegal","It's money laundering he said with a sly grin" +"Today I got DadJoked by a chef at the restaurant I work at. I was waitering at a children's party, when I went into the kitchen my chef was preparing sundae toppings and ice cream. I asked him, Is this the sundae stuff. He looked at me and said, No this is the Wednesday stuff","" +"Everything's within walking distance","but I just don't have the time to do it" +"What are terminators called when they retire","Exterminators" +"What cheese is made backwards","Edam" +"My friend claims he's great at insulting people in his head","I think he's mentally diss-abled" +"My Pet Peeve [Meet Peeve](http://i. imgur. com/hZaR9pE","jpg)" +"If there's an emergency at your. Game of. Thrones viewing party. You should go to","Daenerys exit." +"How many hamburgers could the Hamburgerler burgle if the Hamburgerler could burgle hamburgers","I don't have a punch line, I just wanted a burger" +"Home for Easter and got my mom. So I come home from college for Easter with a nice full beard and I asked my mom what she thought of it. She replied Honestly, I'm not a fan . So I got her back by saying Neither am I, I'm just a college kid","Got a high five from my dad and an eye roll from the rest of the family" +"Long con to a classic dadjoke on my kindergartener This morning, my 5 year old (Definitely not really named H) and I were discussing the hardships of having to attend (all-day) kindergarten nearly every day (on his third day). So, we applied some estimates and came up with the following: Me: So, there are about 200 days you go to school this year. And, since you're in kindergarten, you have at least 13 years of school. So you have about 2600 days of school left. At least. H: . Okay. Me: But, do you have to do a week of school today. Or just one day. H: Just one. Me: Right. And you can handle one day. You've already done that twice, and you liked them both. H: Yeah. Me: So, you can handle this, right. Just one day at a time. H: Yeah, I can do that. Me: So, do you want to hear a dumb joke. H: Sure. Me: How do you eat an elephant. H: What. I dunno. Me: One bite at a time. [H groans, flops down on the bed, and starts maybe-playfully kicking at me] Me: Hey, I told you it was a dumb joke. H: But I didn't think it would be that dumb. Me: You should know by now that if I say it's dumb, it's really dumb. Now, get dressed and I'll meet you downstairs","[H invokes his future-teenager self and groans me out of the room]" +"I just failed my trigonometry test","It's because I don't understand sine language" +"I woke up this morning and found that someone dumped a bunch of legos on my front door step","I don’t know what to make of it" +"Why did the dad joke cross the road","To get to the other sigh" +"My hibachi chef hit me with this one tonight You know why im putting zucchini in with your vegetables","because its really hard to catch wild chini, so we buy the chini from the zu" +"my mom got me texted my mom to ask if i could use her credit card to buy gas at costco me; can i get gas at costco. mom; probably","depends on what you eat" +"Which singer would be best suited for the roman military","Britney Spears" +"When someone tells me they're fast https://i. redd. it/3u0r3it6ckzy","jpg" +"Man I love my furniture","Me and my recliner go WAY back" +"What kind of specialist does an egotistical person go to","An I doctor" +"I taught my pet wolf how to meditate","Now he's an aware wolf" +"Rearranging My Bedroom - got my roommate good I moved my tv stand a bit, perhaps a foot or two. I look at him and say, This thing must be very charismatic. He asks why, visibly confused. Because it sure made a hell of an impression on the carpet. He said he was going to kill me. Well worth it","" +"Want to hear a construction joke","I'm working on it" +"I tried to bring a meter stick to the airport. But. I got arrested for using weapons of math instruction sent from the terrorist group","Al-Gebra." +"What type of vegetable wears a tie","Collard greens" +"I was the owner of an origami business","Unfortunately we had to fold." +"What do you call a burning doll house. A","Barbie-Que" +"How many sneezes do you sneeze before the sneezes start to annoy you. A phew. *Aaaaphew*. **A**phew. **Ap**hew. **Aph**ew. **Aphe**w. **Aphew**. ^s^o^r^r^y Aphew","" +"What do you call your mother’s angry French sister","Your croissant" +"I met my dream girl the other night","Then i woke up" +"What do you call a happy cowboy","A jolly rancher" +"I'm sick of all of the I haven't done this. ALL. YEAR jokes on this sub. It's the only kind of joke. I've heard. ALL","YEAR" +"My name is Tanner. Whenever people say they're tan, I always say But I'm Tanner","My friends hate me" +"I put the candy bar on my face and started crying, but it won’t open","It’s strange because it clearly said ‘TEAR HERE’" +"What do you call a black guy that flies a plane","A pilot" +"What do you call someone that hates reading but loves looking at maps","A mapsochist" +"How do you stop a mom from sweating. You take away her purse","Then she becomes an anti purse parent" +"What do you call two ducks which cannot be","A pair-o-ducks" +"I held the door open for a clown today","It was a nice jester" +"Why does a chicken coup only have 2 doors","Because, if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan" +"My wife's a keeper","She really enjoys playing soccer on the weekends" +"Why are there so few rich artists","It's just the luck of the draw" +"I really do some great work. https://i. imgur. com/px7i4U2","jpg" +"What's the first thing you'd do with a million dollars","I'd buy a new butt cause mine has a crack in it" +"Did you know that there is no official training for garbage men","They are just expected to pick it up as they go along" +"Why can't you gamble in Africa","Because there are too many Cheetahs" +"My dad said he had a round tuit. he told me it was because people would say I'll do it when I get around to it so he could give them a round tuit","It was a washer that he had sharpied tuit on" +"If Matthew McConaughey had a cat, what color would it be","All white, all white, all white" +"You know why they called it Saturn","Because it had a nice ring to it" +"On the way to the slaughter house, a cow found and ate a marijuana leave","Now the steaks are high" +"What make of trainers do chickens wear","Reebok - Bok - bok - bok - bokka" +"Why don't they play poker in the jungle. Too many cheetahs","&#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; Thanks dad" +"Buckets really are the best. Everything else just","PAILs in comparison." +"I never trust people with graph paper","It always seems like they're plotting something" +"The first rule of flight club. Is to take flying lessons","Also know how to read carefully" +"Did you hear about that new restaurant they built on the moon","It has great food, but a bad atmosphere" +"Where does a largemouth poop","Out its basshole" +"How did you sleep last night","Dad: I closed my eyes and waited" +"An 18 yr old died during a driving test","They passed anyway" +"Want to hear a Nirvana joke","Nevermind" +"So I was talking to a girl I know about how she'd gotten sunburned today. She was talking about the different parts of her body that got burnt, and then: Her: For some reason only my left boob got burnt. Me: Well, that's just not right. She called me dumb","Worth it" +"My dad before a surgery to remove a brain tumor. It's a classic. Dad: Will I be able to play the piano after. Nurse: Yea of course. Dad: Oh cool. I can't even do that right now. Edit: Alright guys. I get it, old post","I just thought it was pretty funny considering the circumstances" +"I held the door open for a clown","It was a nice jester" +"What does a scientific duck say","Quark" +"I was stopped by the cops while I was driving today. Police : You're getting a speeding ticket for that kind of driving","Me : Oh that's great , where to" +"My wife went to make Nutella sandwiches for the kids. and when she opened the jar it was just about empty","I didn't miss a beat: That must be the old tella" +"What do Italians eat on Halloween","Fettuccine Afraid-O" +"Got my brother My brother went in to discuss getting his wisdom teeth removed with his dentist. He was talking about the meeting with my parents and he got to the point about where he talked about anesthetic. He said that he was just going to have them numb the area around his teeth. Then my parents were saying that they are surprised he wasn't going under. This is where i struck, saying that it would be foolish to go to Australia to get his teeth pulled","Groaning ensued" +"Did you guys hear that Oxygen and Magnesium were dating","O Mg" +"In math class today My view on my sub-par math teacher completely changed today. Both ~~terrible~~ amazing jokes were said today to the same kid, Tom. Incident #1: Teacher: So how do you set up this integral. Tom: *explains what numbers go where* Teacher: Alright, and what are we integrating with respect to. Tom: Y. Teacher. Because I asked. Incident #2: Teacher: And so, what is the answer. Tom: *gives answer* Teacher: Are you sure. Tom: Yes. Teacher: Oh, I thought you were Tom","I was literally the only person in our 10 person class who laughed at those" +"Yesterday I swallowed two pieces of string This morning they came out tied together","I shit you not" +"I can’t make puke jokes","They make me sick" +"My sister got me the other day. I had made some oven fries to go with our dinner we were having, and towards the end of the meal I asked her if she wanted any more fries","No thanks; in fact, you could say that I'm satis-fried" +"What does a nosy pepper do","Gets jalapeño business" +"I’m trying to be a sociopath, but I’m not that great in manipulating people","I’m more of a so-so path" +"On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth","He said it was his pleasure" +"Who was the 1st person to win the Nobel Prize","Same person who invented the Door Knock" +"At the zoo I saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign on the cage said: BREAD IN CAPTIVITY via [Stephen King](https://i. imgur. com/DFMgfVN","png)" +"What do you call a bee from US","USB" +"I took my bicycle to the bottle shop the other day. I got a bottle of vodka and put it in the bike's basket. As I was about to leave I thought to myself that if I fell the bottle would break. So I drank all the vodka and then headed home","It turned out to be a really good decision because I fell eleven times on my way home" +"I don't think I'll ever find a stable job","because honestly I'm just not very comfortable around horses" +"I got tased","It was a stunning experience" +"Office Supplies Pun This morning my siblings and I were eating pancakes that (like most every Saturday) my dad had prepared. For some reason, I found a staple under some of the pancakes on my plate, and when I told my dad he said, Well, I thought pancakes were a staple for y'all every morning","And no, he did not plant the staple, so this was off the top of his head" +"Ever have that feeling you are being watched. I got that feeling today. I looked left, nothing there. I looked right, nothing there. Nothing behind me either. But when I looked up I saw them. A flight of stares","They must have been up to something" +"Dadjoked my friend pretty hard today. http://i. imgur. com/Xtjhlri","png" +"Why did the fishmonger cross the road","Just for the halibut" +"never knew Dad liked Madonna Witnessed this exchange between my parents a few days ago: Dad: *humming* Mom: Are you singing Like a Virgin. Dad: . I don't know. How does a virgin sing","cue groans" +"My neighbor and I became good friends, so we decided to share our water supply","We got a long well" +"Why do the French only eat one egg a day","Because un oeuf is un oeuf" +"My class had a debate about global warming today","It got pretty heated" +"What kind of car does an egg drive","A Yolkswagen" +"My latest dad joke http://imgur","com/gallery/9nbmpPA" +"Want to hear a concussion joke","So a guy walks into a bar" +"Saw a couple walking with their friend who was pushing a bike,","I thought “Hey, a third wheel!”" +"A handful of short Thanksgiving Jokes I put together that are worthy for any dad to repeat this upcoming holiday. **Why did the police arrest the turkey. ** > They suspected fowl play. **What would you get if you crossed a turkey with a ghost. ** > A poultrygeist. **Why did the turkey cross the road twice. ** > To prove he wasn’t a chicken. **What key won’t open any door. ** > A turkey. **If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one. ** > Goblet. **Fruit comes from a fruit tree, so where does turkey come from. ** > A poul-tree. **What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad. ** >They turn into blueberries. **What kind of cars would pilgrims drive today","** > Plymouth" +"You know what's got me PO'd","Mailboxes" +"I just wrote a song about a tortilla","Well, it's more of a rap really" +"Why do millennials only count using odd numbers","Because the CANT even" +"The doctor told me that my voice box is damaged and I might not speak again for a while","I can’t tell you how much this upsets me" +"My wife is allergic to tree nuts. When she first told me that she was allergic to tree nuts,. I responded in a. Jamaican accent Good ting. I only ave two mon . Yes","I'm a dad..." +"What do you call a gorilla in a cement-mixer","King Koncrete" +"Dad's trying to fix his watch Dad: Why does my watch say it's 20:16. It's not 20:16 Brother: Yeah it is","Dad: Not on my watch" +"How can you tell if a train has gone by recently","It leaves its tracks (Told to me by my dad many moons ago)" +"I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia","She whispered, They're right behind you" +"I told my son I was named after Stephen Hawking Son: “But dad, your name is John","” Me: “I know, but I was named AFTER Stephen Hawking" +"Why can't you play football in a road where there's a double yellow line. Because it's a no passing zone","I'll show myself out" +"My melon tried to get married","I said you cantaloupe" +"A termite walks into a bar and asks","Is the bartender here?" +"The land of the free and the home of the puns > Friend: Is it chilly outside. > > Me: No, it's America","As an avid punster, the blank, angry stares I got after that one were a highlight of my year" +"So I asked my Dad if he's read The Count of Monte Cristo http://imgur","com/ih0IT0s" +"Let's have a race. Found this on r/whitepeoplegifs https://i. imgur. com/xznXgZs","gifv" +"Did you hear about the drummer who had twin daughters. He named them","Anna 1, Anna 2" +"War does not determine who is right,","Only who is left." +"A historian dad once ask his son. Dad : Why did the French never take over Rome. Son : Why","Dad : Because they don't have the Gaul to do it" +"Two eggs and a side of bacon walk into a bar","The bartender says, I'm sorry, we don't serve breakfast here" +"Did you know that taller people sleep","longer in bed" +"I ordered some corn online to be delivered to my house. It never showed up. So I guess it's true","Corn flakes" +"Where do imaginary Jews live","Isntrael" +"A furniture store keeps calling me. All","I wanted was one night stand" +"Rehearsal dinner Dad joke Dad: you're a sheep. Son: what","Dad: I said ewe and you looked" +"Am I doing it right. Which American President was least guilty. Lincoln","He was *in a cent*" +"Do you know what gives me jitters","Parking, son" +"I’ll never forget the last thing my late grandfather said to me","Sorry I’m late" +"My son was excited when I said we had a new barbeque","He wasn't happy when he saw the line of dolls in the garden" +"You know what the Russians say about Chrimea, right","Donetsk Dontell" +"How do you call a group of mechanics. Carmen","I'll show myself out" +"A gingerbread man went to the doctor’s complaining of a sore knee. The doctor asked him","“Have you tried icing it" +"[Classic] Text sent from my dad to my step-mom http://i. imgur. com/HdpqAb3","jpg Marked NSFW for language" +"I try to be supportive, but. I'm worried that if my daughter is transgender everyone will see right through me. Because","I'll be transparent." +"I crashed my bike into a lemon tree last week","It's left me feeling bitter and twisted" +"A customer came up to my register today. (I apologize in advance for my poor wording, and do hope that y'all enjoy the joke. I did. ) He introduces himself, saying My name is Crime. I thought I heard him incorrectly, so I just said oh, cool as I always do when I don't hear what someone says. As I finish ringing him up, I tell him that his total is blahblahblah it doesn't matter","He then looks at me and says Crime never pays before walking towards the exit" +"What do you call a snobbish criminal walking down the stairs","A condescending con descending" +"How did Quasimodo figure out who was stealing the Notre Dame bell","He had a hunch" +"What do you call a gay scientist","A homogeneous" +"Why was the drum teacher mad at his student","Beats me" +"Thank you r/dadjokes/ for preparing me for life Over the weekend, while working in the yard, a neighbor walked by and asked if I had seen their dog. I told her I hadn't, but I would keep watch out for it. A little bit later a police cruiser pulled up and asked if I had seen a shih tzu. I told them that there was one in Columbus and one in Cincinnati, but they were both pretty good. The passenger rolled his eyes, but the driver literally laughed out loud","The dad was apparent" +"The all staff email as dad joke A co-worker sent an all staff email today about a planning meeting. It said, On Sunday it is the Ides of March. But what we really need is ideas for March. Ha ha ha","Never have so many people been dadjoked in one go" +"Tyrannosaurus. Rex","Tyrannosaurus wrecks what?" +"How do pirates know they're pirates","They don't, they just arrrrr" +"Dad popped this one the other day Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac","He used to lay awake at night and wonder if there really was a dog" +"Dads Working Together Episode 2 It's been a while since my first post, but its hard to remember all the dad jokes that fly around our assembly line after working all night. Anyway, on to the joke: The 3 usual dads on my line (Paul, Kevin, and myself) were talking when were approached by John carrying a step ladder. This is my step ladder. I never new my real ladder. Then walked away as we all howled with laughter. Hopefully post can be more frequent","I have considered writing this stuff down" +"What did the scary panda say. Bam","Boo" +"Olive oil My uncle Arnie asked me if I knew where extra virgin olive oil came from","I said no and he said very ugly trees" +"My kids are so obsessed with the lizard from the movie Tangled, we have over a thousand figures of it around the house","Let me tell you keeping track of a kilo of Pascals is a lot of pressure" +"During a Star Wars movie marathon, my girlfriend caught me off-guard with this one I was disappointed as usual that Liam Neeson's character was killed","She suggested I let Qui-gons be Qui-gons" +"How did the painter display his master piece","Easely" +"Have you heard of the film Constipation","You probably haven’t because it isn’t out yet" +"What does the horse say after falling","“Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up”" +"Did you hear about the Italian chef who died","he pasta-way" +"I got into an argument with a friend about whether pens were better than pencils","I’ll admit, they had a point, but I still think the argument will be erased in time" +"I got my wife this morning. Wife: I'll be Bach","(Said like the Terminator) Me: I'll be Beethoven" +"I was going to say a joke about prom","But the punchline is way too long" +"Every time walking through Downtown Disney. my friend and I would pass [La Brea Bakery](http://i. imgur. com/XD9c0S7. jpg)","Looks like they forgot the D" +"People who make soda jokes must know a lot about pop culture","People who make soda jokes must know a lot about pop culture" +"[PSA]. If it's okay,. I'd like to say a few words about this sub reddit","Banana, spoon, table" +"To whomever stole my copy of. Microsoft office. I'll find you","You have my word!!" +"dadjoked my wife on birthday weekend My wife went to the local pie shop today to get some pies for my birthday dessert, when she asked if i wanted to see the pies I said you don't want it to be a sur-pies","she was not a fan" +"My father always stored his coin collection in Altoids tins","He claimed it kept them in mint condition" +"What do lawyers and recovering alcoholics have in common","Successfully passing the Bar" +"My brother came home from the gym earlier. Mom: What machines did you go on. Dad: [Pointing at my brother] The only machine he used was the vending machine","Brother:" +"Did you hear that farmer grabbed the cow's udder","How dairy" +"What do you call a singing computer","A-Dell" +"I just got a new job at a prison library","It has its prose and cons" +"What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo","One’s kinda heavy, the other’s a little lighter" +"Why did the orange only roll half way down the hill. He ran out of juice","🍊🥤" +"My wife and I are considering adoption","We just need to figure out where to sign our kids up" +"You wanna hear a joke in Chinese","开玩笑" +"Have I ever told you that joke about Deja vu. No","That's weird, I thought I did" +"My doctor could tell I was anxious to learn my blood type","He said, “B-positive" +"Why do sharks live in salt water","Because pepper water makes then sneeze" +"If two vegans fight","Is it called a beef" +"What's the difference between Beer Nuts and deer nuts. Beer nuts are $1","50 but deer nuts are under a buck" +"I hope this is allowed here","This" +"mildly religious dad joke. (in church) the priest: 'Let us pray. ' my dad: 'They do","' ^lettuce ^pray ^^ha" +"My husband's response was, Oh, get OUT of here. I saw that my husband had gotten a cut while shaving, and I asked what happened. He explained, I got a new razor and flew too close to the sun. My reply: So you got a nick-arus","He was upset" +"What's the worst combination of two sicknesses. Diarrhea and Alzheimer's","You're running but you don't know where" +"What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer","Quacks in the pavement" +"When 2 people have sex, its a twosome","When 3 people have sex, its a threesome Now I know why people call you handsome" +"I started composting to get into shape","I hear it really helps reduce your waste." +"My dad out to eat tonight. Talking about some people I may be shooting music videos for. Me: yeah he opened a concert for Eminem Dad: Woah, peanut or regular","He laughs and we all sat there" +"Why did the dog lay out in the sun all day","He wanted to be a hot dog" +"Why is it that panhandlers are only allowed to eat liquid meals","Because beggars can’t be chewsers" +"What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo. A hippo is heavy","A zippo is a little lighter" +"After graduating from high school, my daughter moved away from home to study at university. She sent this letter home to me… Dear dad, University i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, your $usie. I immediately replied back… Dear Susie, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh","Love, dad" +"What are the strongest days of the week","Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays" +"Stolen from Chandler on Friends. Tailor : how long do you want the cuffs","Chandler : Oh, at least as long as I have the pants" +"What’s the winds favourite colour","Blew" +"Earned a fist bump for this one. Went to McDonald's with some fellow students after TAFE was finished for the day (for those who don't know what TAFE is, I guess the most similar thing would be community college. ), and somehow one of the girls ended getting crumbs on her hat: How did they get there","I guess it's just a crummy hat" +"What's blue and doesn't weigh very much","Light Blue" +"I stubbed my toe against a gold bar. Au. Au","Au" +"Why can't dogs play video games","When they do, its always on paws" +"The most recent Game of Thrones episode was too dark and it was hard to see. I just wish some of the undead were wearing heavy armor and wielding swords. Then we'd be able to see just fine","Because they would be Knight Wights" +"Why can't the people living in California be buried in New York","Cause they're still living" +"How many legs does a horse have","Six : Fore legs, and two hind legs" +"What kind of jokes does a baker make","Honeypuns" +"Asked my dad why we didn't own Up on Blu-Ray. I told him the price had lowered. He said, Great. I've been waiting for Up to go down","He then proceeded to laugh" +"updog Dad: Do you smell that. Me: No, what is it. Dad: I don't know, it kinda smells like updog. Me: What's updog. Dad: Nothing much, how are you doing","Me: *shakes head in embarrassment" +"What do you call a soldier that survived mustard gas and pepper spray","A seasoned veteran" +"My pillow went missing","I won't rest until I find it" +"My wife caught me having sex with an amputee. But like","I always say no arm, no foul" +"Didn't will. am once say he was going to make a car. well","isn't" +"When ever someone asks me to hold the door for them","I keep it closed like my life depended on it" +"Professor. Just. Pulled. This. One","Blood pressure is very near and dear to my heart..." +"I used to have an origami business but it folded","(Heard from Paddy McGuiness)" +"What kind of music do mummies like to listen to","Wrap" +"I saw the doctor today","She looked pretty good" +"Even when he's 9000 miles away. I'm traveling in Europe and I just got into Budapest. If you're familiar with the city, you might know that Buda is on one side of the Danube river, and Pest is on the other, joining together in a single city called Budapest. I just updated Facebook to tell my family that I had arrived safely with the status: Safely in to Budapest. Well, technically Buda. Haven't been to the Pest part yet. My uncle responds with: But you are the Pest part","I think he could hear my groan from across the ocean" +"Nobody's perfect But my name is Nobody Sorry had to post this","My dad said this at the dinner like he does everytime" +"We went to an Indian restaurant and the waiter told us we couldn't get bread with our meal, only as an appetizer","That was a naan starter for me" +"What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college","Bison" +"Dadjoked my girlfriend twice, lost the rest of my whiskey. My girlfriend and I were making nachos and as she's preparing it I grabbed a bit of shredded cheese and made a line on the counter. She asked what I was doing so I replied it's a cheesy one liner. After a swift punch to the shoulder I muttered I guess that's just nacho sense of humor. She took my bottle of whiskey and locked herself in my room","It's been about 20 minutes now, but at least I have the nachos" +"What is it called when Jamie pushed Bran down the tower","King’s Landing" +"There's nothing but dirt in. Arkansas. Well, there is a. Little","Rock" +"My friend the eye doctor explained this to me. Ophthalmologists are doctors who specialize in eyes. Optometrists examine your eyes to see whether you need corrective lenses. Opticians sell glasses and lenses","and optimists see glasses as half full" +"I went back to that shop that sells new but damaged goods","yeah, I went back for seconds" +"Wanna hear a pizza joke","Never mind, it’s too cheesy" +"My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I figured it out. You can say","I solved the case" +"I was talking to a friend. Me: What do you want to be when you grow up. Friend: I think I want to clean mirrors Me: Why would you want to do that. Friend: Well","it's the only job I can see myself doing" +"I had an argument with my wife in a lift the other day","I was wrong on so many levels" +"Little sister dad-joked me She won't stop telling her joke too. Me: I'll start this video again when you behave. (She was biting my shoulder) Little Sister: Who's Have. (Pronounced like the have in behave) Me: What. Little Sister: WHO'S HAVE. WHY DO YOU WANT ME TO BE HAVE","Me: I'm so done with you" +"Have you been forced to wear a mask and glasses at the same time","You may be entitled to condensation" +"dadjoked the GF in a grocery store. My GF has trouble with lactose. We are finding more and more items that are marketed to be healthy to contain whey protein, which aggravates her stomach. It's in products you wouldn't expect it to be in either, like chips. Anyways, after picking up and putting back a couple of things in a row and being frustrated, she said, I can't believe all this stuff has whey in it. to which I of course said","No **WHEY**" +"3 men walked into a bar","They all said ouch" +"What’s a poor person’s favorite sandwich","A plebeian J" +"What's the motto of Enlightenment philosophers","Yes we Kant" +"TIL: A thousand years ago, the boomerang was Australia’s only export","And import" +"Did you hear about the lady who thought the sun disappeared. She stayed up all night looking for it","Then it dawned on her" +"I have discovered the joy of origami","It's twofold" +"On which side does a dog have the least amount of hair","on the inside" +"Batman hates stealing and cheating. And","Robin too." +"When I feel stressed, I like to take long, hot showers","I guess you could say I'm a pressure washer" +"My doctor friend claims that he can do a circumcision without using surgical instruments","I don’t think he’ll be able to pull it off" +"Got my wife this morning We were getting ready for work and I smacked her on the ass. She said you better watch yourself","I proceeded to stare at my arm until she moaned and walked away" +"I don't think modern art should really be classified as art","I think a line needs to be drawn somewhere" +"I had to sell my vaccum","It was gathering dust" +"I asked my wife if she wanted lozenges in her granola. She looked at me kind of grossed out and. I told her: everyone loves. Halls and","Oats" +"My dad dropped this one on me. The past the present and the future all walked into a bar","It was tense" +"What do you call a Japanese ghost who's not scary","Nobu" +"If that UPS guy doesn't show up today","I'm gonna go postal" +"What is the difference between a human dad and a moth dad","Two letters" +"What happened to cumbers A through P","Were they not tastey or something" +"A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have . a soda water","The bartender replies “why the long paws" +"After dinner I said, “Happy Father’s Day. Thanks for having me. ” He said, “Well","it was an accident" +"Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water","He had a very esteamed colleague" +"Every morning I wake up and there's a core of a piece of fruit on my wife's nightstand","Turns out she's been having night pears" +"What does the Jewish pirate say","Ahoy Vey" +"[For Canada] I asked a friend when Justin Trudeau was expected to take office. and she said that it was soon, probably shortly after he assembles his cabinet. Mr Prime Minister, my wife and I just shop at Ikea, and we can knock out something like that in an hour or two, assuming we have the right tools","I live near you, so let me know if you need any help, but you might want to get started on it; the country's waiting" +"An. Autobot saw his sister transforming and said “That’s a pretty","Metal-Morpho-Sis”" +"My son beat my neighbor in a marathon race","He's now in custody for assault" +"What did the man say when he dropped his corn. Oh shucks","OK, that was kinda corny" +"What do you call a slow moving poop","A turdle" +"Did you hear about the guy stealing police car tires","They are working tirelessly to catch him" +"Dadjoked my car today. It told me one of the doors was ajar","And I was like No, I'm pretty sure that's a door" +"An Asian couple goes into a restaurant. The first one says “I think I’ll have some rice. ” An Asian couple goes into a restaurant. The first one says “I think I’ll have some rice. ” The second one says “I think I’ll have some rice n’ chicken","” *The second died" +"if cereal drowns in milk","doesnt it make the milk a cereal killer" +"I don't understand why my credit is so bad","I get letters from all of my creditors each month telling me my balance is outstanding." +"A dad asked his son is your jacket felt","The son says no The dad rest his hands on his sons shoulder and says It is now" +"If a. Hobit lies all the time","Does that make him a hobitual liar?" +"My stoner dad had a car with an altimeter. When I asked what's an altimeter","It tells me how high I am" +"Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring","The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I'm dying inside" +"My fiancée told me I was cheesy. So I told her, that's perfect since you're so winey","She didn't appreciate it as much as I did" +"The sleeper agent dad My family and I were out for brunch at a somewhat fancy hotel restaurant. It was a buffet and they had set up the desserts in the wine cellar/room. My dad, nearing the end of his meal, asks Where's the dessert. I point and say, In the wine cellar but in between the cellar and me is my mom and it looks like I'm pointing to her. Dad responds with, Sell her. I still need her though. I sat there a little awestruck since he's never really been one to utter puns","I crack them all the time but I guess every dad has dad jokes in them; they're just waiting for the right time" +"I tied all my watches onto my belt, but then I realized","It was a waist of time" +"Dublin is the biggest city in the world. My dad got us good with this one. My dad, mum and I were talking about how we want to go to Ireland on our next family trip, when my dad said: 'Dublin is the biggest city in the world. ' 'What are you talking about. No it isn't. ' 'Yes it is, it keeps Dublin in size","' I don't normally laugh at his jokes, but that one got me" +"Vase of Base . this wont translate via text im sure BUT. the other day i walked into my apartment with some flowers and was looking for a vase, my roommate says ah, i have a solution","and goes to pull a vase out of the cabinet, but theres a giant jug of vinegar in the way, so she pulls that out first, so I said thats not a solution, thats a base" +"You know why this is my favorite blanket","Cuz it’s the sheet" +"Tonight. I'm gonna have. Himalayan possum soup. Because. I found","Himalayan on the road" +"Im pre ordering a book. I guess","I booked it" +"Imhotep wakes up and goes into an orphanage","All the children look at him and asks: are you my mummy?" +"My friend decided to propose to his online girlfriend using balloons. But then they finally met","He immediately popped the question" +"My wife said she was leaving me because, “I can’t do anything right when it comes to housework. ” Selfish woman","it took me hours to mop that carpet" +"Where Do Eggs Like To Go On Vacation","New YOLK City" +"I'm always the last one eating at the. Chinese buffet","Rice guys finish last." +"I'm so white, the only thing more pale than me is","A bucket" +"I fear for the calendar","Its days are numbered" +"My dad's joke last night. Dad: hey, spell joke. Me: J. Dad: what's the white part of the egg. Me: . The white","Dad: well, that's what people call it, but it's actually the albumen" +"My wife keeps calling me a pedo","That's a big word for a seven year old." +"What do you call cheese that isn't yours","Nacho Cheese" +"Irony","is the opposite of wrinkly" +"France 05 May 1789 My lord the people are revolting","King Louis XVI: Well you're not that nice to be near either" +"What did Mary have at the cookout","Everyone knows that Mary had a little lamb" +"I was told my jokes were cheesy. I was told my jokes were cheesy, but. I think they're pretty","Gouda." +"What do you call a gay airplane pilot","A fruitfly" +"What do you call it when Batman skips out on church","Christian Bale" +"Dad. Why do you butter the skillet when you cook pancakes","It just cooks batter" +"I went to the supermarket this morning, my wife said bear with me. I said","ROAR!" +"I was helping my dad change a lightbulb. Me: Do you wanna use the step-stool or the ladder","My Dad: I'll take the latter" +"Rick Astley: What do you want for your birthday","His Wife: the UP dvd Rick Astley: No" +"Eating. My. Watch. Was. Time. Consuming. Especially when","I went back four seconds." +"I had a pile of. RAM, but. I can't quite recall where. I put it","I must've lost my memory" +"My dad said of my singing voice, wow, you should sing Tenor. Tenor fifteen miles away","Zing" +"I was expecting a photo of his grandkids. https://i. imgur. com/42ZEKqJ","jpg (x-post from /r/funny)" +"I like large animals, but hippos are just plain fat","Some people may consider this hippo-critical" +"What is the longest word. Smiles","Because there's a mile between the two s" +"What does batman add to his tea","(x-post from r/jokes) Just ice" +"Wife and son had the stomach virus just the day before his first birthday party","I told them you better not be party poopers tomorrow !" +"My wife is almost a week overdue, and is just now starting to have contractions","It's time to make like a fetus and head out this mother" +"The sweater I bought from the store was picking up static electricity, so I went back to change it","They gave me another one, free of charge" +"[NSFW]","Standing on office chairs." +"I know the whole alphabet. A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J/K no","I don't." +"I used to have two kidneys but now I don't have any. Now they're adult knees. I used this one in class the other day when learning about kidneys","My friends just looked at me and shook their heads" +"My step-mom got us We were talking about electrons, being silly. She goes, Electrons are taking over the world; no wonder everyone is so negative","I laughed pretty hard" +"Just hit my wife with a dad joke i finally deem worthy of posting. (wife walks into kitchen holding delicious canned tamales she knows I LOVE) wife: get excited babe. I got two cans. me: toucans","I wanted parakeets" +"I dont trust trees. They seem","shady *cries of laughter" +"I found the fountain of youth","It was outside the bathrooms at the mall, right next to the one for adults" +"My barrista asked if I wanted her to leave a litte room in my coffee I told her no thanks","I don't think it would fit" +"My student told me “Ducks get up at the quack of dawn. ” I corrected him. Ducks don’t get up","They get down" +"What kind of camera did they use for your colonoscopy. A GoProbe Credit to my wife for this one","I'm so proud of her, she really outdid me with this one" +"Got Dad joked by an old biker at the bar last night At the bar last night this old biker had on a Halo 3 shirt. Making small talk, I jokingly asked him if he was a big gamer. He replied that hes shot an elk or two before","I was speechless" +"My friend made a comment about the house I built out of Doritos He said Oh, Cool Ranch. Me: Umm","this is clearly a Colonial" +"At work the other day We were talking about psychics and card readers. One of my coworkers was wondering about the costs","I said they probably cost a fortune" +"A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe movie. Gladiator","No, I really miss her" +"So I was about to call my dad. So I was about to call my dad when he called me. Me: Hi. I was just about to call you, actually. Him: Why would you call me Actually","I'm dad" +"Me: I was once in a play called “Breakfast in Bed. ” Her: Did you have a big role","Me: No, just toast and coffee" +"r/dadjokes is recruiting moderators, join us. Greetings [/r/dadjokes](https://www. reddit. com/r/dadjokes) subscribers, Years have passed since this sub started up, and there are now literally millions of you. **Whoa. ** Two million people is just two many two handle for two moderators. Especially these days, when both [/u/parin89](https://www. reddit. com/u/parin89) and I have two many other responsibilities and a whole lot less time. I'm 200% sure most of you would agree that more mods are needed. So we're looking for **5 more moderators** to get involved. If you're keen to apply, read the rest of this post and answer the three questions in your comment response. *Answer these 3 questions in your reply:* 1. How would you describe a dad joke. Do you currently moderate any other subreddits. If yes, which ones. You see a post that is not breaking the rules or reddit's posting guidelines, but is generally disliked by the community. What do you do. *Only* *apply if:* * You're a reasonable, fair-minded and patient human * You're in it to keep this community a happy, friendly and safe place for other humans * You've got previous mod experience from a decent sized community (let's say","5k+) * You're cool with the first few months being a trial run * You understand that while we could use more active moderation, and would benefit from a few more rules, one of the things that makes this community great is that it's pretty open (after all, dad jokes repeat a lot and not every repost is necessarily an opportunistic attempt to game karma) *We'd benefit from a few practical things as well, it would be great if:* * You live in a timezone that covers off either the USA, the UK, Australia (we'd like a spread) * You've got some automod experience * You've got some sub-customisation experience *Don't apply if:* * You're ready to come out swinging with a power tripping ban hammer * You're more concerned about Internet points than real people &#x200B; **We'll leave this stickied for a week and then come back to message a few people and make some selections" +"What do you call a man who has his feet removed","Defeated" +"What do you call it when Eminem jumps into a pool","The Real Swim Shady" +"Shout out to my grandma","It’s the only way she’ll hear you" +"I successfully put up a picture today","I’d say I nailed it" +"When you walk into the bathroom","urine there" +"A lonely tobacconist signed up to Tinder","Unfortunately, he couldn't find a match" +"Have you heard about the new corduroy pillowcases","They’re making a lot of headlines" +"Where do you take a sick boat","To the docks" +"Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms","Because he was an early bird" +"Man: Your honor, my wife never laughs at my Star Wars jokes","Judge: Say no more, may divorce be with you" +"What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car","Carlos" +"Dadjoked, thanks to the Tooth Fairy Seven-year old lost his first upper incisor last week. Woke up to a dollar under his pillow. My wife was disturbed: A whole dollar. what happened to quarters. Last night, he lost his second front incisor. Again, he found a dollar under his pillow this morning. Wife: Husband, don't you think that's too much to be giving for a tooth","Me: They looked like buck teeth to me" +"What happens when an annoying Star Wars character gets sand in his eye","Jar Jar Blinks" +"My sister set me up so perfectly. She just bought a condo, and texted me that the freezer already stopped working","I responded back to her, That's not cool" +"Why do seagulls fly over the sea","If they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels" +"I was complaining to my dad that I had forgotten my matches after pulling my cigarettes from my pocket","He said if you take one from the box and throw it away, it will become a cigaret lighter" +"My dad recently received a box of medieval armor in the mail. Upon looking at it, he boxed it back up and sent it to a random address","When I asked him why he would do such a thing, he replied because it's chainmail" +"Never. Challenge. Death to a pillow fight. Unless you are prepared for the. Reaper","Cushions" +"Why is Waldo’s shirt striped","Can’t be spotted" +"What kind of underwear does letters use","Diphthongs" +"The most dad response of all time Neighbor: “we have a problem. There is water from your property coming on to my property. ” My dad: “well, you're downhill. your problem isn’t me, it’s gravity. ”","I am shook edit: missed words" +"My Dad said 'give me a subject I bet I can make a joke about it. ' I said 'Beavers","' He said 'Damn" +"Robin: “The Batmobil isn’t starting. ” Batman: “Did you charge the battery","” Robin: “What the hell is a tery" +"Did you hear about the buffalo that lived two hundred years","It just celebrated its bison-tennial" +"Did you hear about the man who was hit but a can of soda","He's all right, it was just a soft drink" +"Why do so many screen printers rush to get married","They fear that they may dye alone" +"What’s a shitzou","A zoo without animals" +"How does a dyslexic poet write","Inverse" +"Dad: what do you do when you are in the wrong seat","I stand corrected" +"What do you call a fat bee","Obese" +"How did the Italian chef break up with his girlfriend","Pasta la vista, baby" +"On his deathbed My father-in-law was released from the hospital on hospice. Today the nurse came in to check on everything for him. She leaned over and asked, how do you feel. He took as deep of a breath as he could, the nurse leaned in close, and he softly said with my hands","We are going to miss him so much" +"Today, my son asked Can I have a book mark. and I burst into tears","11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian" +"Dadjoked my dad My dad was having a hard time deciding if he should let his new mattress pad air out before putting it on his bed","I said Well, why don't you sleep on it" +"A mobile phone is like a penis","Fun to play with in private, but should never be pulled out at the dinner table" +"Which classical song was composed for tuna fish","O for tuna" +"My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction","So I packed up my stuff and right" +"How many kids with. ADD does it take to change a lightbulb","Let's go ride bikes!" +"Why do you think Kylo Ren is so angry and moody","I think he's Ben solo too long" +"What do you call a cancer doctor who works 24/7","An on-call ogist" +"What do you call a Magician who has lost his magic","Ian" +"Why did you join Reddit","I Reddit was a good app" +"My SO got me good today Me: My dad actually grew a beard after his open-heart surgery. Her: He never had one before","Me: Nope Her: Must have had a change of heart" +"Meta: What is a dad joke. The dad joke is not very easily defined and covers a rather broad gamut of humor. One thing is certain; you know it when you see it. Example 1: New Year’s Day: “I haven’t seen you since last year. ” cue goofy genuine laughter/smirking followed by eye rolls all around. Above is one of my favorite dad jokes and a great example for our purposes. Most dad jokes play off of tired puns and other word play, context is key, brevity is also important. The jokes are not particularly funny, but clever. The humor is almost never pointed or mean spirited; it’s usually playful and self-deprecating, quick and casual, on the spot and painfully obvious, always followed by at least a smirk and often a belly laugh. And who doesn’t like to hear good natured laughter from their father. This type of humor, like much of life, moves full circle. When you were four, daddy told you a joke about a chicken jay walking. And it was funny to four year old you, you told your mom, teacher, siblings, friends, etc. But then you turn nine or ten and you become self-conscious. Taking yourself seriously is ridiculous and our elders know this is the case. Thus the same jokes become new again. Once their children discover self-importance Dads make these jokes partly for themselves. The bigger the eye rolls the better the joke. It’s not about being funny. It’s about the reaction from an embarrassed 11 year old, who is so preoccupied with what other people think they don’t see these jokes for the treasures that they are. Seriously kid, your voice hasn’t even changed. Who do you think you’re kidding. Thankfully most of us grow up, loosen up and realize what dad was trying to teach us about humor and life. Sometimes a little humor in the adult world can make the difference between a terrible day, and a tolerable one. Taking yourself seriously causes heart attacks and high blood pressure, dad jokes are a release valve. They allow us to tell others, hey it’s ok to laugh, here laugh at me or with me, I don’t care either way because I’ll crack up regardless. They bring warmth and humor into often difficult circumstances. So dad jokes are more complex than they seem. They serve many purposes, just like towels","How would you define a dad joke" +"I was telling my girlfriend about how I needed to get something out of my truck. I guess I must have said this before, because she responded, I'm aware, babe","I responded, So you are only a babe during full moons" +"Why can't a hand be 12 inches long exactly","Because then it would be a foot" +"Did you hear about the man crushed to death by the aqueduct he was trying to steal","Waterway to go, huh" +"What do you do when your Islamic dogs won't stop biting","You muzzle 'em" +"Never draw a circle","There’s no point" +"I got fiancée with this one and I'm very proud. We were walking by a cat cafe one day. There was a line of people to pay for the drinks. I pointed my finger at the people and said to my fiancee, hey, look babe. It's a fee line","She groaned and I laughed more than I should have" +"6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9. But why did 7 eat 9","It heard you were supposed to have three squared meals a day" +"What do you call a spider with ten eyes","A spiiiiiiiiiider" +"Driving, usually on the highway or the county. Me: Oh, look. A flock of cows. Daughter: *HERD* of cows","Me: Of course I've heard of them, there's a flock right there" +"Why did the Roman warrior brag about performing oral sex on a woman","Because he was gladiator" +"What organ do you have 4 of as a kid","Kidneys 2 Kidneys and 2 Kid-Knees" +"Sundays are always a little sad, but","the day before is a sadder day" +"Visiting my nephews, one of them got me Me: How old are you now, Joseph. Joseph: Three and a half. Me: When do you turn four. Joseph: On my birthday","He's going to make a great dad one day" +"How do you make a gas into a solid","Push harder" +"An apple a day","Can keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough." +"What do you call a man with a shovel in his head","Doug" +"I started talking to the new guy at work about the. Titanic","It was a terrible icebreaker." +"Wife just made some mandu for our Korean exchange student. He says, seafood mandu is good. But beef mandu is my favorite. Me: I prefer the cat mandu","My wife actually laughed at that" +"Why was the maths book so unhappy","Because it had too many problems" +"One word can mean everything","It's everything" +"Got my girlfriend with this earlier we're heading through grocery store checkout. She looks over at the candies and says Ooh. Mentos. I already have Mentos. Really. Where","On my men feet" +"My kleptomania has always been a challenge","But stealing from the bakery— that really takes the cake" +"To be honest, this is the sub in a nutshell [https://imgur. com/a/7cAWQeD](https://imgur","com/a/7cAWQeD)" +"Hey dad, can you pass me a napkin. Dad - Sure, do you want a clean one. He loves this one","I don't" +"Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants","In case they get a hole in one" +"Which celebrity is good at fencing","Katy Parry" +"On. Hoth you might find that you need to cut open a tauntaun and sleep inside him","It’ll keep you lukewarm" +"A Twofer Context: My little sister (10) was making gullible jokes, e. Did you know gullible isn't in the dictionary. or Gullible is written on the ceiling. I'm pretty sure this should go down in Dad Joke History: **Dad:** I read a book growing up, it was called Gullible's Travels **Sister:** What was it about","**Dad:** About 200 pages" +"People get mad at me for always making marine animal puns","I said, Sorry, I don't do it on porpoise" +"If you clean a vacuum","Then you are a vacuum cleaner" +"Did you hear the story of how Canada was named. Many years ago, all the elders came together to name their wonderful country. The elders argued for many days, and could not come to an agreement on the name. One brilliant elder came up with a great idea, they would put all the letters of the alphabet into a hat, pull them out, one at a time, and that's what the name of their new country would be. Of course, the elder who came up with the idea was chosen to pull the letters out of the hat. Elder: C. eh. eh","eh" +"Got my 3 year old on the way home from vacation We drove to Florida from the midwest for vacation last week. After fun in the sun all week, it was time to go home on Saturday. We had lots of movies for our 3 kids to watch including Hugo, which they had never seen. My 3 year old doesn't like movies that aren't animated so as soon as she saw I was getting Hugo she starts up the whining: I don't want to watch that, waa aah and so on","So I turn around in my seat (the wife was driving) and say We'll then, why don't Hugo to sleep" +"I got fired from the sperm bank","because everytime someone walked in, I'd scream get a load of this guy" +"Justice is a dish best served cold","If it were served warm it would be justwater" +"R.I.P.. Boiling. Water","You will be mist" +"A kid noticed his dad's new haircut Son- Hey dad, did you get a haircut","Dad- No, I got all of them cut" +"I was devastated this afternoon, when my wife said my 5 year old son wasn't mine","She said I need to pay more attention at school pick up" +"Did you hear Pete Townshend and Roger Daltrey are releasing an album of Springsteen covers","It’s called The Who’s The Boss" +"What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut","I'm a cashew" +"My dad always claimed these were his favorite vegetables","Lettuce, turnip, and pea" +"My sister bet me $20 that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti","You should've seen the look on her face when I drove pasta" +"I l8ve telling. Flat. Earthers to fall off already","But they will never get around to it" +"A divorce lawyer representing himself calls his wife to the stand Divorce Attorney: Your honour, I would like to call my wife to the stand. Judge: I'll allow it. D",": [to wife] From now on your name is to the stand" +"I heard a cover of 'Do They Know It's Christmas. ' the other day. It was painful to listen to, but over quickly","Like ripping off a Band Aid" +"A gardener took his dog to the vet. He's been acting real depressed, explained the gardener. He just lays in the garden day after day, letting out these really sad sighs. I see, replied the vet. What do you grow. This season it's cantaloupe, but I don't see how that's relevant","The vet nodded knowingly and replied, Well, that explains it-- he's a Melon Collie" +"Got my friends at an outdoor restaurant The wind was high and dirt blew on us. As everyone was rubbing their eyes I said one day we'll all look back on this day fondly. I'm *sedimental* like that","Groans ensued" +"I've decided to sell my dead parakeet","It won't go cheep" +"You can't have your cake and eat it, dad said","Worst 6th birthday party ever" +"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “can you give me a lift","” I said “Sure you look great, the worlds your oyster, go for it" +"I've called. Bloody. Mary three times now","I think she's ghosting me" +"Decided to sell my vacuum","All it was doing was collecting dust" +"OH, IT'S ON NOW","What I say every time I flick a light switch" +"My Dad last night Mom: Spider. There's a spider up here. Dad: No thanks","I already ate" +"What's Neil Armstrong's name backwards","Gnorts Mr Alien 👽 (Illuminati theme song playin')" +"My friend asked me who my favorite member of the Barenaked Ladies was. I said","Iiiiiiit's Ben" +"I asked a pirate why they're always grumpy. He told me he didn't know, they just","Aarrgghh" +"What kind of toilet clogs easily","A crappy one" +"I used to work at a square tyre factory","It was a real bumpy ride" +"My dad was driving me back home from my friend's house yesterday when he threw a piece of trash out if the car","It took me a long time to get home...." +"United. Airlines is having new inflight meals","Chinese takeout!" +"I used to be addicted to suppositories. But","I put them behind me" +"My dad is quick on his feet. was shopping for folding chairs at Costco with my Dad, I found some (ones we ended up buying) but then asked you sure you don't want the LaZy Boy","Without a moments hesitation he responds: I already have one" +"Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that is draped in bacon. “A bacon tree, we’re saved. ” he says. He runs up to the tree and is shot up with bullets","It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush" +"My 8 year old pulled this on me Daughter: Dad, are you smart. Me: Yes. Daughter: Spell it. Me: S-M-A-R-T Daughter: You said you’re smart but you can’t even spell the word “it","” She got me good" +"My professor told us she speaks. Russian","She should probably speak slower" +"What can think the unthinkable","An itheberg" +"What do you call people who change oil at the end of a race","End game oilers" +"My wife warned me not to steal the kitchen utensils. But it's a wisk","I'm willing to take" +"Dad, I gotta use the bathroom. Dad: Don't use it all. First post, long time lurker. I've never heard this one before and had to share with you guys","Any other bathroom related dad jokes" +"Dadjoked my uncle on the phone My uncle called during dinner, so my dad told me we'll call him back. I picked up the phone and answered, Hello, back","My uncle was confused" +"My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen, and my girlfriend is pregnant","I can't pull anything out in time" +"I opened my radiator to find a lone insect, wearing sunglasses and a leather jecket. It said. ayyyy","It was a cool ant" +"You know my friend has changed so much since she became vegan","It’s like I’ve never met her bivore" +"Working the buffet. Grabbing some white rice, yellow rice, and some brown rice along the way. Daughter asks Why are you getting some of each","'Cos I'm all about ricial diversity" +"Why don’t strings get any presents for Christmas","Because they’re always on the knotty list" +"A man walked into a bar","He ended up with a concussion." +"How does the man on the moon cut his hair","Eclipse it" +"What is brown and sticky","A Stick" +"We're shopping for a third car My brother and I are 16 and my family is looking for a used car for us. I jokingly looked at an expensive looking one and I said How's this. Dad said No, you two are not getting an Audi","I said That's okay, I'm happy with my innie" +"I asked a. French man if he played videogames","He said wii" +"At sunrise there were two robins overlooking a freshly plowed field One says to the other “Lets go eat our fill in seeds and worms. ” They swoop down and do so. Once all fat and happy they find a spot under a tree with the perfect amount of sun, and bask in the sunlight. An alley cat rolls in and seeing the two birds. Thinking about how he hasn’t eaten in days, and sees two fat birds in front of him, he creeps up, and gobbles them in one fell swoop. In the aftermath, he takes their spot in the sun, and as he’s laying down to nap he says “Man","I sure do love Baskin Robins" +"Dadjoked by my aunt (who is my dad's sister, runs in the family) Grandma: Do you like Hummus. Aunt Kim: I love Hummus. and I sometimes like to singus. Spent Spring Break with them, this was all I heard",":)" +"Did you hear about the bartender with epilepsy","His career ended pourly" +"I just got dad joked by my stern ex drill sergeant grandfather. Some background, this man never makes jokes and never laughs","I'm doing some car work and he calls me and I go with 'Hey I'll call you later' he replies 'Don't call me later, call me grandpa' didn't even laugh just made the joke then hung up" +"How do you organise a space party","You planet" +"What is everyone's favorite fruit. Banana","It's a peeling" +"If all dogs go to heaven, where do cats go","Purr-gatory" +"My life has gone downhill since. I stopped working at. SeaWorld","I just can't seem to find any porpoise." +"Girlfriend was trying to decide on a restaurant Gf: i wanna go to a steakhouse. Me: That doesn't seem structurally sound","Gf: *sigh* Me: Houses like that must be quite rare" +"What do you call an archer from siam","A Bow Thai" +"Dad joke at the hoop-dee-doo If you're not familiar with it, the hoop-dee-doo is a stage show at Disney world. As it opened with the banjo and piano players, I announced that Ban Jovi was playing","I got an eye roll and a groan" +"What do you say to your sister when she is crying","Are you having a crisis" +"Why do chemists love nitrates so much","Because they are cheaper than dayrates" +"Honey is the perfect food","It's chock full of Bee Vitamins" +"While on a vacation last summer, my brother-in-law was telling me that he just got a deal on some really nice empty wooden Cuban cigar boxes as souvenirs for only $4 each - I replied","So, it was a good deal, but no cigar" +"If the opposite of “pro” is “con”,","Then the opposite of “progress” is “Congress” (Dads can be woke too)" +"I was helping my dad purchase and install some Steam games. Me: All right, you're done. Click the Finish button. Dad: I'm not Finnish","I'm American" +"Perfect Dad Joke, no one around to hear it :( I've been flying out of O'Hare Airport in Chicago, and I park in the economy lot. A section of the lot is just completely infested with rabbits. I was pulling into the section and 5 rabbits run accross the aisle, and I think to myself That must be why they call this O'HARE Airport","Unfortunately I was alone" +"What do you call a car with no wheels","A stationary wagon" +"Mum: Do you think Starbucks will still accept this old coffee coupon","Dad: It's worth a shot" +"I'm really glad ,. I know sign language","It's pretty handy" +"You're not a happy camper are you","No, I'm a Jolly Rancher" +"End of the day jokes. A coworker of mine has said the same joke around 5 times atthe end of the day. what did the shepard say to the other sheperd. Get flock out of here. I responded with what did the soup tell the spoon. Get the fork out of here. So i am asking you guys for similar jokes to say at the end of the day","Those two jokes over two weeks now have become boring" +"Even When He's Alone. So I'm near our kitchen (but not in it), and my dad is in there by himself. In the middle of the silence I just hear him say Tupperware. Tupperhere. And just start giggling to himself. Amazing how they do it even when they're alone","Edit: Thank you so much for the gold" +"Every Year","What's Irish and Sits outside Paddy O'Furniture" +"What's even longer than a light year","A heavy year" +"Why do birds fly south for the winter","It's too far to walk" +"Customer was a dad. So at the cafe that I work at, we have these punch cards, where, when you buy ten drinks, you get a free one. This customer rolls up through our drive through and this happens: Customer: Can I get a large white mocha with whip. Coworker: Sure thing. That will be $3. 95 today. Customer: *pulls out full punch card* You mean FREE ninety five. Oh my god","Edit: I acedentally a word" +"Your epidermis is showing. That’s it","That’s the joke" +"What do you call a mean German","A sauerkraut" +"What do you call a Mexican midget","a paragraph because he's not a full essay" +"Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas","Santa Jaws" +"I couldn’t figure out how to put my seatbelt on","Then it clicked" +"Lumberjacks love working with computers","Especially when logging in" +"Most people see two piers by the lake and think it's normal but","I see a paradox." +"My date asked me to go back to her place for a movie . I said sure. She said, How does popcorn sound","I said, Crunchy" +"Why do cows have hooves instead of feet","Because they Lactose" +"Got a customer today at work I work at Tim Horton's (Coffee shop in the Northeast US/Canada). Lady: Can I have a medium with nothing in it","Me: Okay, but do want the coffee too" +"The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple. It had extremely limited memory. Just one byte","Then everything crashed" +"You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving","You need a parachute to go skydiving twice" +"Don't fly United","It's a real drag" +"A lorry carrying 25 tons of Vicks Vapour Rub has overturned on the M6, near Birmingham, spilling it's load onto the carriage way","The Police have said, there will be no congestion for at least 12hrs" +"What do you call the first Hawaiian in space","A coconaut" +"TIL you can determine wether or not a person is stupid based on their taste in music","For instance, metal-heads are pretty damn dense" +"I decided to start a mustache and at first I didn't like it","But it's growing on me" +"Why did the melons get married in a church instead of Vegas","Because they cantaloupe" +"Dad joke from my uncle to little cousin. Cousin: chili is in South America, right","Uncle: Yeah, it's right next to applebees" +"Why did the vegetable want a pay raise","Because it thought its celery wasnt high enough" +"Why did the pioneers use covered wagons to move out west","They didn't want to wait 40 years for a train" +"Bear. Hunting. On his way to a bear hunting trip, the man saw a road sign that said “Bear","Left” so he went back home." +"What do you call it when the ovaries are crying in the restroom","A menstrual breakdown" +"What do you call a bear without teeth","A gummy bear" +"I've always had a lot of respect for people who work in sewers","I mean, the shit they have to go through" +"What does Samuel L. Jackson call his dad","Motherfucker" +"Not sure if this is a proper one but. Why do flamingos stand on one leg","If they didn't stand on any legs they would fall down" +"You know why I love dry-erase boards. Because they're remarkable","Re-markable" +"If you ever get attacked by a mob of clowns","Be sure to go for the juggler." +"My 9-yo. got me. Him: I like to start off my showers with cold water. Me: Really. You take cold showers. For how long. Him: Just until the water warms up. Then I get in. well done, son","Well done" +"The last straw While I was at work an elderly couple was dining and the wife asked for a straw","When I brought two for the table her husband politely declined and then looked me dead in the eyes and said that's the last straw I clapped as he chuckled and his wife groaned" +"Dad joked my co worker while we was smoking Outside, snow everywhere. We see some birds in a tree","Co worker I bet they wish they went south for winter Me Maybe not, looks like they are just CHILLing" +"There's something in my shoe So proud of my wife. This morning my son said, Mum, there's something in my shoe","Straight off the bat she said, Is it your foot" +"Saved my GF from committing fraud with a dadjoke GF: I saw where the key to the cash lockbox is. Let's steal the money","Me: Don't be petty" +"My step-dad ordered a case of wine with a release date. Yes, apparently this is a thing. It's called Beaujolais Nouveau. So they'll deliver it in time for release, he had to sign an document to swear that he wouldn't open it before the official date, and insists he won't open it early in case they find out","They'll never know though, I said, unless they hear it through the grapevine" +"Why did the farmer get into a good college","He was outstanding in his field" +"All these dad jokes. Make me wish","I knew mine." +"I came second in a. Winston. Churchill lookalike competition","Close, but no cigar" +"How did the Harry Potter author get down the hill. Falling","Jk, Rowling" +"Beware the double navel Did you hear about evil man with two belly buttons","He was di-umbilical" +"I asked my girlfriend what book she was reading She replied It's a mystery. I said Doesn't it say on the cover","Cue eye rolling" +"NSFW my wife lately has been extremely sensitive/tender on her lady parts lately, and last night She says, be careful when you touch me with your bare hands (meaning skin on skin)","I go, don't worry, these are human hands" +"I don't like naked bananas","They lack appeal" +"Relativity is too complex for me","I can't figure out if he's my uncle or cousin, but he definetly makes time go by faster" +"Grandma had a stroke yesterday and paralyze her left side, but","She'll be alright" +"Air conditioning","Not a fan" +"How To Climb a Ladder. Step 1. Step 2. Step 3","So on and so forth" +"Dadjoked my friend at a party Standing outside with a group of friends at a party, talking about current events. Friend: I'm so out of the loop, I have no idea what you all are talking about. Me: there's a reason we don't call you the belt Friend: what","Me: you're not in the loop *collective groans*" +"I was going to post a great incontinence joke","but it's already been leaked" +"What do you call a religious group that is hard to join","A DiffiCult" +"My Grandfather Dad-joked his son-in-law so well. Sitting around the dinner table, my brother's girlfriend asked my parents how they met, and my dad got to the marriage part: Dad: So I finally got the courage to ask your mom's dad to marry his daughter. I said 'Sir, would you mind if I took your daughter's hand in marriage. ' He told me 'Her hand. You better take the rest of her too","' Well played, Pop, well played" +"What did the lightswitch say to the lightbulb at the bar","So, you come here off/on" +"Sleeping like a log is overrated","The fireplace isn't very comfy." +"The past present and future got into an argument while camping","It was intense for the tense in the tents" +"I have the. Titanic of phones","It's un-syncable" +"Airbender, Waterbender. The girlfriend and I were in the car yesterday with her two young kids in the backseat. They were talking about what sort of bender they wanted to be. Girl: I would be an airbender. Boy: I'm a waterbender. Just then a truck passes us, driving a bit wildly. Me: That guy wants to be a fenderbender","Cue evil glare from girlfriend" +"Grandpa got me. (Not sure if dad joke) Grandpa: StLuis88, which hand do you use to wipe, after #2. Me: uhhh. wha. right. hand. Grandpa: You're gross. Why don't you use toilet paper","Edit: a word" +"sometimes the children make it too easy. The kids were setting up a game that was missing some pieces, marbles as it happened. So they asked, Dad, do you have any marbles. Nope, I've lost mine","At least my wife appreciated it" +"Shared a dadjoke from this subreddit with my dad and he dadjoked it up even more. Me: How did the butcher introduce his wife. Me: Meet Pattie. Dad: Meat my wife Dad: She's a cut above the rest Here's a link to the text convo: http://imgur","com/GU30U1Q" +"Some silkworms started a race","It ended in a tie" +"What's brown and rhymes with Snoop. Dr","Dre" +"You've really got to hand it to short people","Because they usually can't reach it anyways" +"How much did the pirate's new earrings cost him","A buccaneer" +"I've been attempting to attach a bell to my ballpoint","Results are pending" +"There’s a line outside the cemetery","People are dying to get in there" +"Guess what i saw today","Everything i looked at" +"My daughter said she was going to the zoo","I said, Great, alpaca lunch" +"When choosing fish at the fishmonger's Fishmonger: they're all good, pick your poison Me: Don't you mean, Pick your poisson","Fishmonger: <wink> Good one" +"Why don't lobsters like to share","Because they're shellfish" +"I ate some bad chicken the other day","It left a fowl taste in my mouth" +"How did the typewriter know it was pregnant. It skipped a period. Thanks Dad. http://i. imgur. com/WkX7hud","jpg" +"I love to tell dad jokes","To bad he was never around to hear them" +"I was on a cruise when my Dad threw out this gem of a dad joke","My sister and I were going out to a club on the cruise and my dad says: Alright kids have a great time, but don't go overboard" +"What do you call a cow that twitches","Beef jerky" +"They say karma is a boomerang. But","I never get the amount of upvotes i give to other posts" +"What do you call a fish with no legs","A fish" +"Two brothers got really mad at me today for calling them hipsters","Apparently the correct term is “conjoined twins”" +"What do you get when you give five doses of valium to a lizard","A calmer calmer calmer calmer calmer chameleon" +"I wonder if the Pope uses PayPal. I guess it would be like a","Papal PayPal" +"The power went out in my house today","I was delighted" +"Why can't a nose be twelve inches long","Because then it would be a foot" +"What do you call a child that's good at digging","A minor" +"Did you know the first french fries weren't actually cooked in France","They were cooked in Greece" +"What do you call a yeti with a six-pack","An abdominal snowman" +"Dad: Son, do you want to hear a joke. Dad: Pussy","Son: I don’t get it Dad: I know" +"I've developed a fear of escalators","I'm taking steps to about them" +"I got hit on the top of my head by a Japanese car part while walking during a storm this morning","It was raining Datsun cogs" +"What do you call a wandering caveman","A meanderthal" +"A classic but it still makes me laugh. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree","Because it was dead" +"What do mermaids wash their fins with","Tide" +"What's the most common second language amongst dads","Pun-jabi" +"Arnold Schwarzenegger was the Destroyer in Conan the destroyer the Terminator in Terminator the Governator in California, when asked if he wanted to be the leader of the European union he says ( in an Austrian accent)","Noooo, then i will known as the Euronator" +"I'm unsubscribing from this godforsaken subreddit and here's why","Y" +"April showers bring May flowers","and Mayflowers bring pilgrims" +"Anybody want some Coconut Shampoo","I brought some the other day but I don't have any coconuts" +"What does a cow call its clothes","Moo" +"What do you call a tea that looks really good","A hottie" +"What device does Mario use when he wants to communicate with the dead","A Lou-ouija board" +"Dad used to drop this one from time to time. My truck has a passenger side airbag, but only when your","Mom is riding with me." +"I took my family out for Chinese food tonight, or as they say in China","Food" +"Where does an Australian keep his BBQ","Outback" +"What did one math book say to the other math book","We’ve got a lot of problems" +"An aspiring thief enters the theatre","and steals the spotlight" +"The title of Father for a priest is more literal than i thought. Priest: Did you know that the 13th letter of the Greek Alphabet is nu *Pause* Priest: So next time someone asks you Whats new. Just tell them Its the thirteenth letter of the Greek Alphabet","*groans and polite laughter*" +"Why did the window inspector quit his job","He felt too much pane" +"As the Rangers are down 3 to 6 against the Blue Jays, there's one thing I'm noticing about Canadian sports","they always bring their eh game" +"I'm the most indecisive person you'll ever meet. Me: I'm the most indecisive person you'll ever meet. Them: Are you sure","Me: Ummm" +"Had to share; my son opened his fortune cookie this afternoon to find it empty","He declared that is most unfortunate" +"Walked into the dining room to find my kids eating burnt cookies My son says daddy look, mommy made cookies","Knowing it meant being kicked out of the kitchen, I still said, actually son, those smell like OVERcookies to me" +"I've learned 99% of the English language","I'm almost their" +"It's a shame we're only seventeen people in total","If we had one more person we could go to the club Because we need to be 18 to enter" +"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom","Because the p is silent" +"What's the oldest age someone could get a circumcision","I just need to know the cut-off date" +"I'd hate to be a glue maker","It's a job you just get stuck with" +"Trees lose their leaves in Autumn. What do they do in the Spring","They re-leave themselves" +"What type of bees make milk","Boobees" +"I requested the flight attendant to switch my seat as I was next to a screaming baby","Apparently you are not allowed to do that if the baby is yours" +"My GI doc said I was gonna need an esophagogastroduodenoscopy here soon","I don't know how comfortable I am with that, it sure is a mouth full" +"A man got hit hard in the head with a can of. Coke","It’s alright though, it was a soft drink." +"Why do chicken coops only have two doors","If there were four it would be called a chicken sedan" +"The best joke since sliced bread So was heading out of my room to the hallway and right when I opened the door, I ran into my roommate eating a plain slice of bread. We both surprised each other, so we just froze for a second. I don't even know how it happened, but the words instinctively came out of my mouth as if I was born to say them. Looks like I caught you","bread-handed" +"So I woke up a few days ago and told my dad, we should get one of those old-people chair things so we don't have to walk up the stairs","He responded, Those things drive me up the fucking wall" +"English. Muffin. Has. A. Big. Air. Pocket. Looks like you got one with the. Grand","Cranny" +"How does the man in the moon cut his hair","Eclipse it" +"Mark. Zuckerberg can do a very good robot-dance","He's got an amazing algorythm." +"Why is Peter Pan always flying","He neverlands" +"From the bathroom. Roommate : Do you have the contact lens solution","Me: Depends, what's the contact lens problem" +"There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting. He said, Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair. What I want you to do. the man continued. Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong. So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them","And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline" +"I pricked myself with my pen the other day","It drew blood" +"So school was canceled today because of extreme cold","I guess we were *all* too cool for school today" +"Got my girlfriend while out food shopping Me: Hey look, venison burgers. Her: Venison's deer isn't it. Me: No it's only £1","50 Her: *sigh*" +"How do you stop a skunk smelling","Hold its nose" +"What's the only bird not allowed in the bank","A robin" +"Just heard about a dwarf who was pickpocketed","How could anyone stoop so low?" +"Did you read the newspaper article about the midget psychic who escaped from jail","It was titled Small Medium at Large" +"How does a train eat","Chew chew" +"My dad never loved me as a child","I don't blame him though, considering I wasn't born until he was about 30 years old" +"If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up","They would be alloys" +"There were 2 fly’s on a toilet seat","One got pissed off" +"To the thief who took my anti-depressants","I hope you're happy" +"In China, you can criticize every Roman numeral from I to X","But you can't criticize XI" +"What happens when everyone at the office has to pee at the same time","They're peeing in-sink" +"I took my kid to the pet store, and now he wants to get a porcupine who lost all its quills","I said, “That’s completely pointless" +"Told my coworker, who is a dad, about the time my brother's foot was crushed by a garbage truck Without missing a beat he says Sounds pretty bad. Did they have to call a toe truck. P","This incident was around 20 years ago, brother has foot trouble still but is mostly fine" +"What do you call a hot dog that won a race","A wiener" +"You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why","They think you are nuts" +"Dadjoked my boyfriend's family last night. **They bought a macbook the other day, their first new computer in 12 years. So of course for our weekly visit, my boyfriend became the designated computer tech the moment we entered the house. ** ************************** *(discussing how they could transfer their files)* - **Boyfriend:** It would probably just be easier to use a flash drive and do it that way. - **Boyfriend's Mom:** (clarifying) So we'll just put them on a stick. What if they're not compatible. - **Boyfriend:** It's fine, it should work. We'll do it after supper. - **Boyfriend's Mom:** I don't know if we even have a stick, we usually just use the cloud. - **Me:** Don't you have lots of trees in the backyard. You should easily be able to find a stick out there. *************************** They ignored me, except for his dad. He chuckled","**Edit:** Prettier formatting" +"Why is the ocean so salty","The land never waves back" +"Does anyone got any tips on how to get friends","Asking for a friend" +"People think it's easy to drive the metro","You need to train a lot for it" +"I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes","Now I have Heinzsight" +"My family was talking about my sisters project where she had to make a Roman theatre. In it she put some guys stabbing each other, as a demonstration of how plays sometimes consisted of people actually killing each other to make it more realistic. I mentioned that they used slaves and criminals, since they would have a hard time getting actors to play the part of someone that actually dies, and my dad disagreed. He said: No, people were dying to have that job","Sorry if something like this has already been posted" +"What is a fish's favorite country","FINland" +"Beans are good, but you should never eat more than 239","Because that would be two farty" +"My husband is a great dad I was in the kitchen, feeding our daughter the last of her dinner, while my husband sat at his desk in another room; Me: We're almost done here, would you go draw her bath. Him: Sure, hand me a pen. Me: Seriously. You have a hundred pens at your desk","Him: *giggles* Me: What's so funn- oh, godamnit" +"I'm giving away old batteries","Free of charge" +"What happens when a frog parks somewhere they arent supposed to","They get toad" +"What do you call a sketchy Italian neighborhood","The spaghetto" +"I made a belt out of watches once","It was a waist of time" +"What do you call a stinky dad","Pungent" +"I hired a carpenter, but she'll only work on the walls, ceiling joists, doorframes, and windows","Apparently floors are beneath her" +"Told my dad I was going to hop in the shower. He told me it would be safer to simply stand like a normal person. (maybe a repost, but I've never heard this one before","Thanks dad" +"Tried to dadjoke my kid today at Aldi Kid is 3. 5 and starting to read. We pulled into the Aldi parking lot this afternoon and he read the words food market on the front of the building. Market is kind of a new word for him, so I praised him for sounding it out. Then I said Yep. Aldi food market. Because we buy all-di food there. No response. He just looked at me","I'm not sure if it's because he didn't appreciate the wordplay or if my dadjoke game is just that weak (but I'm a mom, so I do have a bit of a natural disadvantage, right" +"Why doesn't element number 30 float","Because it zinks" +"I need to urinate. or is it meinate. I'm leaving","I'm dad" +"My wife was making our girls laugh by saying our dog (a boxer) is wearing panties. I said, “She isn’t wearing panties. She is wearing boxers","” I’m just proud that I made my wife laugh at one of my corny jokes for once" +"What do you call an alien in the outback","An Australian" +"Wife Got Me Me: I've got to stop procrastinating","Wife: Why start now" +"what happens to a cow when it jumps over a barbed wire fence","udder destruction" +"My friend Sam fell into a pool with my phone","Samsunk" +"Dad joked my Dad Dad: I bet that head of cabbage could make some good coleslaw. Me: I don't think cabbage is capable of making coleslaw","" +"Why do leaves hang low in the mornings","because of all of their dews and responsibilities" +"Friend just showed me on timehop Brother: Birds poop 27 times a day on average","Dad: Wow glad my name's not Average" +"I dated an. Asian girl with the last name China","It was her made-in name." +"I made the mistake of drinking the liquid from a scientist’s test tube","It was a vial substance" +"Hmm A little joke I came up with the other night: &#x200B; What do you call it when Egyptians that fart in unison","Tutankhamun" +"What do you call a droid that take the long way around","R2-Detour" +"Recently made note of my first dad joke My wife was in the kitchen and spilled chocolate frosting on the sink. I looked over in disgust. This is why we can't have nice sinks","She lost her shit" +"Capital Murder News is on, talking about two men who went to prison for Capital murder. Wife asks what's Capital murder","I said, it's worse then lower case murder" +"How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb","Only two but don't ask me how they got in there" +"Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees","Because they're so good at it" +"Last night someone stole my dictionary","I have no words to express my sorrow" +"Why did the baby elephant have to pack light for its trip","It only had a little trunk" +"I was feeling depressed so I thought about doing heroin","But I feel the point would only be in vein" +"Got my wife yesterday when she took me to bed bath and beyond She wanted to buy a mirror and asked me for my opinion. I told her","I can see myself buying this She groaned , and was worth it" +"My wife: Could you please go down to the basement pantry and get me the self-rising flour","Me: If it's self rising, won't it make its way up here on it's own" +"Why did the astronaut leave his wife","To get some space" +"RIP boiled water","You will be mist" +"My son threw a temper tantrum at the store because I wouldn't buy him pickles I told him it wasn't kosher to act like that and it's his bread and butter to not finish eating things he wants","He needs to dill with it" +"I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but unfortunately I had to stop","The steaks were too high" +"What's the best way to install a toilet relative to the wall","Flush" +"The only time anyone should fret over nothing","is playing air guitar" +"I'm starting a tattoo business. Women who show their breasts get tattooed for free","I'll call it 'tit for tat" +"Why is it called a dad joke","And not a paternity jest" +"People say that they aren't overweight, it's just that the camera adds 10 pounds","Well I say, stop eating bloody cameras" +"Trump chose a Supreme Court nominee from Bethesda","Do you think there will be any Fallout" +"What's the name of Bruce Lee's not so handsome brother","Ug" +"Got my pregnant friend today She was explaining to me that pregnancy causes her to do unusual things Her: I just do things that don't make sense. I put a knife in the fridge the other day. Me: You must have been craving cold cuts","She was not amused" +"What do you call an ant with a missing leg","🐜 An antputee" +"I used to work with a guy named. Rick. O'Shea","But he bounces from job to job." +"Wife and I are watching an antiques show, when a weathervane shows up on the screen. The wife and I both to proceed how we like the look of it, and the wife mentions how she likes the lack of a rooster on top","To which I reply Of course dear, no one likes a cock swinging around in the breeze" +"Smartphone dadjoke I think my phone is overheating. It's feeling hot Well maybe you should turn off your hotspot then Sorry if it sucks","Just a joke my friend made that made us all laugh" +"What do you call an ant that has been shunned by his community","A socially dissed ant" +"Why couldn't the bicycle stand on its own","It was two tired" +"My friend is gonna make a great dad. I was looking for something behind the couch and. I said Damn, there's a lot of wrappers behind here my friend snaps back with Is 50","Cent behind there?" +"I recently created a graph illustrating my past relationships","It had an ex-axis and a why-axis" +"My boyfriend said he loves hooters, tits, and boobies","He's a bird watcher" +"How do you call a fat psychic","A four-chin teller" +"A chicken and a duck are stood by a road","Chicken clucks to his friend don't do it mate, you'll never hear the end of it!" +"Friend: why is 6 scared of seven. Me: around 0. 3584 Friend: wait, what","Me: Cos (789)" +"What award does a Dentist recieve","A plaque" +"If a dad jokes in the woods, but nobody is around. While at work today, I was grabbing things to set a table. I was alone in the side-station and said out loud do I need glasses",", then answered not since I had LASIK and laughed to myself" +"What does the banana say when he goes to the doctor","I'm not peeling well" +"What's another name. for twins that are not yet born","Wombmates" +"I put on my wife's glasses by mistake this morning","I looked bad in them" +"I once stayed at a really seedy motel. I called the front desk, and told them, I got a leak in my sink","They told me go ahead" +"I have played cards against an African Tribe Zulus","No, I won" +"I hate it when people say age is only a number","“Age” is clearly a word" +"The local butcher has closed","He lost everything on poker after he raised the stakes" +"How do you tell a joke is a dad joke","It’s apparent" +"These titanic commercials claim it's unsinkable","So am I supposed to use a dishwasher then" +"Last year I posted that https://i. imgur. com/3z6DMFP","jpg" +"What is the shortest word in the. English language","No, it is not." +"My girlfriend's parents probably expect to be grandparents after this one My girlfriend's mom was opening her Christmas gift when her sister asks why the wrapping paper says Snow time on it since there is no snow this Christmas","I immediately come back with, Because there is snow time like the present" +"Why are plumbers in Holland so rich","Because everyone has clogs" +"I was robbed by someone in a pig mask","The swine" +"I recently wrote a book about poltergeists","I’m pleased to say it’s flying off the shelves" +"What do you call Keanu Reeves in a tank top","Keano Sleeves" +"My daughter rang and said she's bringing chicken home for dinner. Oh great. More mouths to feed","(I got a condescending smirk out of my son for that one" +"Don't buy pre-shredded cheese","Make America grate again" +"What gets easier to pick up as it gets heavier","Women" +"Which American president is the least guilty of anything. Lincoln","He was in a cent" +"Wife got me the other night Wife hands me dinner, a salad with some pieces of chicken on it","Wife: Didn't know which pieces you wanted so I just winged it I look down and see the two wings of the chicken on my plate" +"If you want to pick a weapon against Dwayne Johnson","always choose Paper" +"Why did the iPad go to the dentist","Because it had a Bluetooth" +"A bear walks into Mcdonald's What do you want sir. Asked the cashier. I'd like a big. The bear paused for a second. . mac . Why the big pause","asked the cashier Hey i'm a bear Exclaimed the bear while holding his arms up Ninjaedit: Format" +"Someone sawed the top off of a pyramid","It was pointless" +"What did one mushroom say to the other. Hey","I am a fungi" +"The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, and ploughed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces. He didn’t want to get in trouble s o he stopped his truck got out and started to pick up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then he began fitting the pieces together. In less than 10 minutes, he had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. The toll manager came up to him, impressed and said, “Wow you fixed that fast. What was that stuff you used to stick all the pieces together","” “Oh”, said the man, “just a bit of Tollgate booth paste“" +"Dad spit this one out without hesitation Dad: So where do you want to go to eat tonight. Me: I have nowhere specific in mind","Dad: Well I guess we will have to go Atlantic than" +"What do you call a ghetto onion","A rapscallion" +"Does Reddit like my hand writing. https://imgur","com/gallery/lScaJ" +"I wondered why my printer was playing music earlier","Apparently the paper was jamming" +"Why aren’t teachers letting their students out to see the solar eclipse today","They don’t want to hurt their pupils" +"My 4 year old got me. Daddy, will you remember me in 5 years. Yes, dear. Daddy, will you remember me in 5 months. Of course. Daddy, will you remember me in 5 minutes. I hope so. Daddy, will you remember me in 5 seconds. Yes. Yes I will. Knock, knock. Who's there. DAD","You said you would remember me" +"I tried to buy a camouflage jacket yesterday","But I couldn't find one anywhere" +"Why did the physicist broke up with biologist","There was no Chemistry between them" +"If Kanye samples Green Onions in a track","does that make him a rapscallion" +"As a kid my favorite superhero was. The. Flash and my favorite animal was the cheetah,. I guess that explains why","I'm now addicted to speed" +"I'm a man who likes to drive with high heels on","I call it drag racing" +"I had to fire my masseuse the other day","She just rubbed me the wrong way" +"If you fondle a mouse, what sort of mouse is it","A feeled mouse" +"Heard this one the other day. I was standing in line at the store to get something returned, this was right after christmas so there was a lot of people waiting. Above me was a security camera and a TV that showed the image. There was a dad and two kids waiting behind me, one of the kids is looking at the TV Dad What you looking at. Son I am trying to find myself","Dad You know alot of people are Sorry if this was a bit dumb, thought it was kinda funny" +"Do you wanna hear how special this weekend is","How special this weekend is" +"I used to hate facial hair","But then it grew on me" +"I tell Dad Jokes but I'm not a dad","I'm a faux pa" +"There's this crackhead in my neighborhood. There's this crackhead in my neighborhood who is so skinny, everyone calls him Ribs. Overall he's pretty harmless, but one day we were sitting in the front yard with our toddler in the playpen and he wanted to make the case that we should hire him to babysit. He picked up my son and started making his pitch","Most people would probably freak out as this point, but I just calmly looked at him and said politely, I want my baby back, Ribs" +"I've been trying to think up a cannibal dad joke but it's not coming to me","It's really eating me up inside" +"How does a T-Rex feel after vigorous exercise","Dino-Sore" +"Today","I wrote a song about a burrito actually, it was more of a wrap" +"Lonely. Try going to the Red Cross","They always know someone that's your type" +"I read a joke here, told it to my dad and he came back with another funny. I told my dad this joke which was just posted here: http://www. reddit. com/r/dadjokes/comments/37gt2n/the_bank_must_really_like_me/ He said, Just like that farmer","He was outstanding in his field" +"Why shouldn't you fight a dinosaur","Because you'll get jurasskicked" +"I love onions so much. That. I cry every time","I have to dice one." +"Why did the keg explode","It succumbed to beer pressure" +"My wife hit me with this As out cat sad meowing at out dinner table my wife looked at me and said I hate when she does that its like my biggest pet, peeve the she started giggling","It makes me proud to know she's ready for our baby to be here in a few weeks" +"I will save the beached whale","I ashore you" +"I heard there was a new store called Moderation","They have everything in there" +"At the zoo i said a mildly innapropriate Dad Joke to my wife and 12 year old son. The zoo tour guide told us that one of the snakes was sick. I blurted out he must have a reptile dysfunction","" +"Did I ever tell you guys my recipe for herb infused fish","Shame that this is neither the thyme nor the plaice" +"I don't want any mushrooms on my food","It wouldn't leave mushroom for anything else" +"A skeleton recently started playing in the school band","His favorite is the trombone" +"When do the clocks change. Mom: When do the clocks change. Dad: Every second","God I love the genes that I've inherited from him" +"The day my dad's dog died. I was sitting in my room playing with my dog, his name is Buster. My dog was being hyper while getting used to his new home. My dad walks in and starts telling me about when he was my age and got a new dog. ( *Insert sad music from the world's smallest violin here* ) Dad: When I was your age, my dad got me a pooch. His name was Rocket. I got him when he was around 4 years old, so he was pretty big. One day, I was working on my dad's truck and had a bucket of old gas sitting next to me. Rocket was outside playing around, being himself and came up to me. I slid back under the truck and heard some gulping sounds. I look over and see Rocket drinking big gulps of the gasoline. I screamed at him, Rocket No. You don't drink that. Then he backed up, stumbling. I felt my heart sink to my stomach, I knew something was wrong with him. He took off running around the house. He ran around the house 2-3 times. Then he just fell over. Me: Dead. Dad: Nah, he just ran out of gas","Fuck off, Dad" +"Guys my calendar is really sick","I think its days are numbered" +"The past, the present and the future walked into a bar","It was tense" +"Don’t trust atoms","They make up everything" +"I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. Sadly,. I don't know","Y..." +"Thor's brother isn't as well known because he likes to keep it","Loki." +"What’s the difference between a bad joke and a dad joke","One letter" +"I entered 10 puns into a pun contest hoping at least one would win","But no pun in ten did" +"My wife and I were having an argument while she was applying a mud pack","You should have seen the filthy look she gave me" +"Was flying over the Netherlands on a trip to Europe with my dad leans in all very seriously and whispers. Where do Gerbil go on vacation","Hamsterdam" +"I grilled a chicken last night. Still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road","*As told five minutes ago by my dad" +"Why did the cows return to the marijuana field","It was the pot calling the cattle back" +"Where does honey come from","BEEZ NUTS" +"Welcome to the plastic surgery addiction group","I see a lot of new faces here" +"What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle","A tire" +"Wanna hear a joke about planes","Never mind, It will just fly over your head" +"What do you get when you mix an elephant and a rhino","Elephino" +"Talking to my dad about hail. Me: Hail is scary, it falls so fast it can seriously harm you or kill you. Dad: Yeah, but there's a way to protect yourself from it","You just look up at the sky and yell 'OH HAIL NO'" +"I made a meal, with parts from every culture, using traditional. Chinese methods. It was from all. Woks of","Life" +"What do the Equalizer and John Wick have in common","Both like schooling bad people (One with a pencil, one with a book)" +"My wife got me an alarm clock out of the blue","I was alarmed" +"When birds fly in a V do you know why one side is longer than the other","Theres more birds on that side" +"Did you hear about the short sighted circumciser","He got the sack" +"A crush hinted that I should bring flowers to our date. Me: I'll make arrangements Edit: Wow, damn. You guys really liked this one","I aim to please :)" +"What do you call a blind dinosaur","A doyouthinkhesawus" +"My dad to my sister during dinner today. My little sister was talking about her grades. It's her last semester of high school so she really doesn't care as much about her grades as she used to. She just wants to pass her classes. My dad said, Yeah you don't want to be a submarine . Everyone at the table looked at him like what are you talking about","He followed up with You don't want to be below C-level" +"At lunch, my friend handed her bf a piece of fruit and said","I'm sorry honey, we cantelope" +"On a more serious note Hey r/dadjokes. So my dad passed away suddenly about 6 months ago. I just wanted to let you know that this subreddit makes me feel closer to my dad, because he would have loved all the jokes posted on here. So thanks users, and to all the amazing dads out there telling these jokes. Here's a favorite one from my dad. When I was little, my dad told me he invented the door. He said he invented the door because he wanted privacy in the bathroom. And I believed him for years. Love you, Dad","I miss you" +"What kind of dinosaur writes reviews of wine","The connoisaur" +"The","KKK supports a ban on triathlons it seems that they have a real ideological problem with mixing races" +"People who are still lighting off fireworks are ridiculous","One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire" +"If there was an award for laziness,","I'd make someone go get it for me." +"What do you call it when a dentist pulls the wrong tooth","Accidental" +"Matt LeBlanc won't be very good as the new Top Gear host","because he will always be stuck in second gear" +"Knock knock Who’s there To To who","It’s to whom" +"A man was sueing an airline for misplacing his luggage","Unfortunately he lost his case Source: Colin mochrie in whose line is it anyway" +"Why did the scarecrow get an award. Because he was out standing in his field","It���s a tough job but hay it’s in his jeans" +"Pixar is releasing a sequel to Up, where the old man gets on a balloon and annoys people","It’s called Up 2: No good" +"My friend:. I can’t remember what the 21st letter of the alphabet is. Me: that sounds like a","U problem" +"Dadjokes at the bar I was sitting at a moderately crowded bar last night enjoying dinner when an older couple came up and sat next to me. We exchanged hellos and I continued eating my jambalaya. After a bit, the husband finally knew what he wanted to drink. Husband: Do you have (so and so) beer. Bartender: Hang on a sec, I'll check. As the bartender walked away, the husband held both of his arms in the air, closing his hands into fists right above his head, a la Steve Holt. After about 30 seconds, and you could tell she really didn't want to, the wife asks what he's doing. Wife: Honey, why are your arms in the air. Husband: I'm hanging on. The wife rolls her eyes and I laugh inappropriately loudly. He grins. So at this point, the joke has been made. It's over. But no. He's in it for the long haul. He kept his arms in the air for a solid 3 more minutes, just so the bartender could get in on the joke. She returns with his bottle of beer. Husband: Can I stop hanging on now. Bartender groans. Wife: Yes, please. I admire his dedication","And his taste in beer" +"My camera was low on storage, so I was only able to photograph a shark attacking a seal","It’s just one kilo-byte" +"My friend got pissed and threw his joke book at me","Luckily, I dodged it but all the jokes flew over my head" +"Where do you see yourself in two years","I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision" +"A Nice Prom A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time","When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline" +"A man loses his legs in a train accident and when he's rushed to hospital the only available transplant are of a child’s leg. So he gets the surgery. After sometime when he stands up he falls to the floor in pain. The nurse runs up and says ‘Sir. Is it your legs","’ And the man goes ‘no’ ‘its my kidneys" +"My jeans ran in the wash. I got my white t-shirt out of the wash and it had turned blue","I told my mum that my jeans had ran in the wash and my dad said ran where followed by a massive sigh from me and my mother" +"How do you make your soup golden","Add 24 carrots" +"My wife wanted to buy a pole for our house","I told her she should probably take it for a spin first" +"What should you do when you see a bull","Steer clear" +"Why did the neuron buy the other neuron chocolates, flowers, and expensive jewelry","Because he wanted to increase his action potential" +"How do you get nuclear fish","Nuclear fission" +"After cooking bacon and eggs for my family for breakfast. Presenting","Fantastic Beasts and Where to Fry Them" +"taking a dog named shark to the beach","is a very bad idea" +"Got my friend at work. Friend: It's hard to clean windows when you're rushin'","Me: You're Russian" +"Trebek is a dad too. (X-Post /r/funny) http://i. imgur. com/Lh6MuPp","jpg" +"At the dinner party I served sausages and burgers to the children on the barbecue. Why don't you guys use chairs like everyone else","I asked" +"What happens when your hotdogs get cold","You get chillie dogs" +"A duck walks into a bar","The barman goes, Waddle it be" +"My wife and I were watching women's tennis, and she told me how annoyed she gets with this constant grunting noises. I said, “Fine","I’ll stop making them" +"LPT: If you need to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, make sure they’re the same","Then you’ll have a match" +"Since 2006, there have been eight dwarves in the Disney canon - Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy, Dopey, Doc","and now Pluto" +"This furniture stores keep calling me","All I wanted was one nightstand" +"My Dad got me while we were buying lunch We were buying lunch in the mall and I noticed that I was taller than all of the workers there","Me: They only hire short people here Him: Yeah, it help keeps their overhead down" +"What do you call a scarecrow's funeral","A straw bury" +"Dad can you put the cat out","I didn't know it was on fire" +"My wife told me it's raining cats and dogs outside","U warned her not to step in a poodle" +"Today, my son asked me Can I have a book mark. and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; YEET","yeet has nothing to do with the dad joke" +"Someone found out a way of passing between walls","They called it doors ." +"I made a Venn Diagram to explain my pun usage. So storytime. My wife and I were talking about my overuse of puns, and food/cheese puns in particularly (that's goud-a but this one's feta, etc. ) I ended up drawing a Venn diagram. The largest circle was my total puns, inside it was a second circle representing food puns, with a third showing cheese puns. I was trying to show that a majority of all of my puns are food related, and many of those are cheese related. Something like this: http://i. imgur. com/nPdi07H. jpg My wife immediately told me I did it wrong, that some of the cheese circle was outside of the food puns","I told her that those are rare, but are often the cheesiest" +"Why do cemeteries have walls around them","Because people are dying to get in" +"Doctor told me. I needed to rest and shouldn't do anything except light housework. I said that sounds great,","I love lighthouses!" +"Wanna hear a ghost joke","That’s the spirit" +"Someone told me as a kid that huge reptiles reside in the sewers","What a croc of shit that turned out to be" +"My doctor told me my blood pressure was too high","I took it with a pinch of salt" +"The quiet lawnmower My Dad got me with this one the other day. We were sitting on the back porch when I saw my neighbor out mowing his lawn. Me: wow, that lawnmower is really quiet","Dad: Yea, he hasn't said a thing this whole time" +"I walked in on my wife yelling that she hated low lying clouds","I hadn’t the foggiest idea what I mist" +"I dreamt all night. I was a muffler on a car","Woke up this morning exhausted." +"BREAKING","A man who took an Airline to court over missing luggage Has lost his case" +"I've been learning Chinese (Mandarin). I told my friend I preferred writing Chinese in English letters versus the phonetic characters","He said, Well, that's your Pinyin" +"The best way to get dad joked: I know it's been done before, and many a dad before me and many a dad after me will get to experience this, but in these dark times this was a ray of light that pierced me right to the core with joy. I came home, and my bright and bubbly ballerina 6 year old runs up and says can I have a hug. She asks very tentatively because she knows I have been out all day and the routine is for me to grab a shower (COVID) before I let them get all over me. So I say, not yet I'm dirty. She says awww. then she turns to walk away, but then spins back around and looks at me dead in the eye and says: Hi. um. wait a sec, um, I know um, um, wait. dir. \[Face beams the biggest smile of accomplishment\] **Hi Dirty. I'm \[daughter\]. ** I know we have those proud moments when they turn, but man her delivery, the awkwardness, and the sheer pride she beamed out when she realized she just pulled the reverse dad joke on me. It's not the getting reverse dad'd, it's the joy and pride she had. she could have just graduated college, and that's how big her beaming smile was right then","It's a memory I am going to keep and it really lit up this dark time" +"Any time I do something halfway intelligent, my dad says… Wow, you're a fart smella","I mean smart fella" +"I have very little trust in models","They are all a bunch of posers." +"Dad joke found on the side of a racetrack in western. KY. Driving past a racetrack off. I-24 in. Kentucky, there's a large banner on the side of the press box, visible from the highway: **YOUR. WIFE. IS. HOT**. Time to get the","A/C fixed." +"My daughter asked if I am going to die someday. I said, Don't worry sweetheart","I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life" +"I made a joke about clouds","It went over everyone's head" +"I used to stay up every night wondering where the sun went","And then it dawned on me" +"My friend used this today on our waitress. We were placing our drink orders: I'll have a coke. Is Pepsi okay. I don't know, what happened to him","I'm not sure if the joke went over her head, or if she was annoyed from hearing it, but she didn't laugh as much as we did" +"Got the police this morning So around 130 this morning I heard someone using a circular saw outside my apartment. I got out of bed pissed off and saw through my window two people were cutting apart the fence surrounding our garbage bins and stole it. After 2 hours of unsuccessfully trying to fall asleep, I went out for a smoke and saw a cop car in our lot. Somebody had made a noise complaint and the police responded. I spoke to them and after giving them a description of what I saw (they found the entire situation hilarious) I asked them so would you consider this a fence offence","Groans were had by all" +"Dinner plans I did not pull my frozen food from the freezer in time for the big dinner","That was not well thawed out" +"How does a pig go to the hospital","In a hambulance" +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon","Great food, but no atmosphere" +"Why did the ninja take the elevator","He wanted to get Hiiyahh" +"My dad was complaining that he had a dad bod","To me it was just a father figure." +"I finally found a way to make my stoner friend comprehend what I was saying","I just had to put it bluntly" +"I named our dog Bull Just so I can yell “Bull, sit","” whenever I want" +"1000x. Better. Granddad jokes are 1000x better than","Dad jokes." +"10-love Me: What time are you going to be home tonight. Wife: Ten-ish. Me: Okay. And what sport does Sean Connery like to play at the country club","Wife: Ugh" +"Daughter is writing a report about Gutenberg. I told her that sounded imPRESSive","She didn't think it was funny" +"When is a door not a door","When it's ajar" +"There’s a paddle sale at the boat store","It’s quite an oar deal" +"My wife claims she's upset because I never buy her flowers","To be fair, she never told me she sold flowers in the first place" +"I was told to vacate the car yesterday A friend of mine was telling me that she's a nursing major. I asked her Who is the coolest guy in the hospital. She asked Who","I said The Hip doctor I was told to get out and leave" +"One of my dad's favorite jokes: How many sides does a circle have. 2: an inside and an outside. He was also fond of: What looks like half a butterfly","The other half" +"What do you call a Swede that doesn't like modern music","Bjorn in the wrong generation" +"Son, if a woman ever asks you to spell “PART A” backwards, don’t do it","*It’s A TRAP" +"That’s a nice ham you got there","Would be a shame if someone put an s at the beginning and an e at the end" +"I made a purchase at a second-hand store that added up to $20. 16 I complained to the lady that that was last year's price. She laughed after a few moments of confusion. Was nice to see the smile on her face","Happy Monday" +"How do you steal a coat","You jacket" +"Today was","the best day of the year" +"What do you call a man with a shovel. Doug. What do you call a man without a shovel","Douglas" +"Finally found a good post for this sub Reddit [Post](https://upload. wikimedia. org/wikipedia/commons/d/df/A_well-weathered_fence_post_-_geograph. org. uk_-_666453","jpg)" +"What do you call an eastern European cosmetic","Nail *polish" +"Laptop sleeps but the keyboard never sleeps because","Keyboard has two shifts" +"Dad got me today after soccer Playing a soccer game and I got kicked in the face and broke my nose. Come out to the sidelines and get it fixed. Queue dad joke in the form of: Dad: Hey son you have a Roman nose now. Me: wut","Dad: It's Roman all over your face" +"Do you need a ship that can hold two of every animal","I noah guy" +"My office space is a cubicle, president of the United States has an oval","Someone has been cutting corners" +"I burned my rabbit stew","Now it’s a hare overdone" +"Vegan: People who sell meat are disgusting","Dad: People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer" +"A cannibal and a vegetarian go to lunch","They both order a Danish" +"I don't like cat puns","Seriously, they freak meowt." +"How does NASA organize a party","They planet" +"There are two kinds of workers, white-collar and blue-collar. But I don't see it that way","Because I'm collar-blind" +"An old man was telling his friend about his new hearing aid, the greatest in the world. You can hear a pin drop. Friend: Wow. What kind is it","Old man: quarter past 2" +"Dadjoke Daughter Torture 3: Still the D. [Part 3](http://imgur. com/a/9rcYt). Credit to the original submitters where applicable. Thanks, dads. Credit to my daughter for being amazing. [Part 1](https://www. reddit. com/r/dadjokes/comments/57hc3w/ive_been_torturing_my_daughter_with_jokes_for/) and [part 2](https://www. reddit","com/r/dadjokes/comments/5b4zxi/im_still_torturing_my_daughter_with_awful_jokes/)" +"Chat about camp Relaxing outside yesterday with nephew, 2 uncles, and father-in-law. Uncle #1 to nephew: You're off to camp next week, aren't you. Nephew: Yep. Uncle #2: I heard that camp is intense. Father-in-law: In tents","You'd think they could put you in a cabin or something" +"What do you call a white bear that has crippling depression, is sexually confused and can't pick a hemisphere","A Bipolar Bi-Polar Bi Polar Bear" +"What do you a call a cow who just had a baby","Decaffeinated" +"I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armor","Actually it's probably more of a knight mare" +"To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you","I have contacts" +"What's orange and sounds like a parrot","A carrot" +"Why did the fish cross the road","For the halibut" +"What did the baby corn say to the mamma corn","Where's popcorn" +"Why did the old man fall in the well","Because he couldn't see that well" +"Dad jokes at an accounting firm Me: Man, it's a great feeling to hand in these tax returns I've been sitting on for a week","Him: I usually just put them on my desk" +"Want to hear a joke about ghosts","That’s the spirit" +"For a while, Houdini used trap doors in all of his acts","It was a stage he was going through" +"What do you call an obese psychic","A four-chin teller" +"What do you call a man proposing","Neil" +"What do you say to the waiter who takes forever to bring your fancy pastry. “Hey","Torte us" +"Haha I Got Him Again. My boyfriend and I had a conversation last night about rappers. He mentioned Ice-T, Ice Cube, and Vanilla Ice. > Him: I don't see why they have ice in their names. > Me without skipping a beat: Because they're cool. He told me to go to hell and take an icecube with me",":D" +"When I say, Ding dong. You say, Aww. . why. My girlfriend asked. Because it's a-door-able","All I heard was groans as she walked out and closed the door" +"How can you be sure if a cake is circular","Just make sure it's cooked at 360°" +"You wanna know what’s a real page turner","Your hands" +"As a new dad, my jokes are boundless My wife was getting a sheet from the closet and I went to jump on the bed and said, wait let me get this sheet on there. I said don't use that language with me","She drop the sheet said you're stupid and walked out of the room" +"What did the Baby Corn say to the Mamma Corn","Where's Popcorn" +"I'm rubbing off on my wife After my wife came home from the gym she told me that she got to wear her new work-out clothes. I said, Oh yeah, how did they do for you. She replied, They worked out, followed by a slowly growing smirk as she maintained eye contact","" +"My New Year's resolutions are: 1. Stop making lists. B. Be more consistent. 7","Learn to count" +"I wanted to rob a bank, so my friend called me a thief","He was very helpful when we were robbing" +"What kind of flower is the most annoying","The Impatient" +"My dad is quick on the draw. http://i. imgur. com/8KUUFWp","png" +"How do Scientists communicate with Amoebas","Why, call them on their cell phone, of course" +"To the man who invented 0","Thanks for nothing." +"I built a new cemetery","People were dying to get in" +"I've decided to become a math teacher, but I'm only going to teach subtraction","I just want to make a difference" +"My 7 year old son asked whether our new puppy was a christian Me: Nope. He follows his own dogma","Wife almost threw an omelette at me" +"Why are more Vancouverites moving to Norway. The houses are more afjordable","(sorry)" +"I dont trust stairs","They are always up to something" +"I gave all my dead batteries away today","free of charge" +"Why do soccer players hate shallow pools","Because there is no diving" +"Do you know any flat-earthers in your area","There probably are some; I've heard they're all around the globe" +"Hey Dad, my car is making a funny noise. Dad: did you laugh. -Actual conversation I had with my dad yesterday","Still don't know what's wrong with my car" +"Did you hear the one about the briefcase thief","It was an open and shut case" +"Why is plain pizza the best pizza","Because nothing tops it" +"My son asked me what does gay mean Me: it's means being happy Son: so are you gay dad","Me: no son, I have an wife" +"Why was the ant very confused","Because all his uncles were ants" +"Dad joking at his finest. Just today we were coming back to the city from our vacation. After lunch we all were in the van and when the driver was about to start, my dad asked us Whoever is not here, raise your hand. The proud look on his face while saying that haha. He was just too pleased with himself and was looking at me and chuckling","Obviously I groaned" +"Went to Pizza Express for a Team Lunch with work Colleague reading menu: What's a caper","Me: It's halfway between a shenanigan and a scheme" +"This ball have Dora the Explorer on it. Do you think it's cute","Because I think it's a Dora ball" +"I farted in my wallet Now I have gas money","(The wife gets credit for this one)" +"Why was the klutz such a good DJ","He always dropped the beat" +"What is a tornado's favorite game to play","Twister" +"Have you heard the rumors about butter going around","Never mind I shouldn’t spread it" +"I was gonna tell you a joke about cattle but","You probably herd it already." +"My kid asked me, How do you abbreviate 'abbreviate'","I told him, You leave out most of the letters" +"My wife told me to take the spider out rather than kill it","We got some drinks, cool guy, he wants to be a web developer." +"Why did the barber win the race","He took a short cut" +"How do billboards talk to each other","They use sign language" +"Yom Kippur is coming up, whenever I ask my dad how his fast went","He always tells me it's a piece of cake" +"Have you guys seen the price of tiles these days","I was floored when I found out" +"This is your captain speaking AND. THIS. IS. YOUR. CAPTAIN","SHOUTING." +"My daughter told me this gem. What ended in 1986","1985" +"How do you clean up water spilled during a baptism","With papal towels" +"I walked into the biology lab, and saw my lab partner dissecting an insect","I said, “I think your fly is open" +"I am snow board. Okay","I'll ski myself out" +"What did the moon bring to the beach","sunblock" +"My dad was looking for a CD I asked what band was on it, He said it was U2","I came back five minutes later and he was singing the lyrics to I still haven't found what i'm looking for" +"My dad said this gem during the Argentina World Cup game Lionel Messi had just scored and my dad didn't know who it was so my brother said Wow that was Messi Dad","to which my dad responded I don't know, I thought it was pretty clean" +"Dad's been busy RETIRED HUSBAND After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart: Dear Mrs. Harris: Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone. ' EMTs were called. 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme. 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels. 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME. PICK ME. ' 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO. IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN. ' 15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room. And last, but not least: 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey. There's no toilet paper in here","' One of the clerks passed out" +"How do two cakes greet eachother","They pound it" +"Dadjoked the g/f about a bug She hands me a wadded up paper towel and says Throw this away outside. It's some kind of beetle. I don't know if it's dead or alive","I responded Awww, couldn't you just 'let it be'" +"Where do dads keep all of their jokes","In their dad-a-bases" +"I ordered a multi-meat sandwich at a diner that only had one meat","What a bunch of Balogne" +"A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt and walks up to the bartender and asks for two beers and says","One for me and one for the road" +"Faith No More came on the car radio","Turned to my son and said, This song is totally Epic" +"My friend and I both started taxi companies at the same time, but mine lasted longer","I guess I drove him out of business" +"I like to use the word mucho around my Spanish friends","because I know it means a lot to them" +"I couldn't remember how to throw a boomerang like I could when I was a kid","Then out of nowhere, it just came back to me" +"Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color","He had a reptile dysfunction" +"My wife was making dinner My wife was cooking spaghetti and went to make some garlic bread and realized all we had was wheat bread and naan","She asked if I would be okay with the naan as the garlic bread, and I told her, I think it'll be a naan-issue" +"Whiteboard at school says Fill in the blank:","I write: ____OSOPHY" +"Dadjoked my manager During lunch, my manager was talking about how she doesn't really do outdoor type of stuff. Her: I just don't get along with the sun","Me: Is that why you only have one daughter" +"I just got my degree in Sky Diving","I had to drop out to graduate" +"I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes","It’s all about raisin awareness" +"My dad favorite baseball joke I was emailing him about recent baseball events and got a bit nostalgic about going to games with him. I'd get so embarrassed every single time they would play the trumpets over the loudspeaker. Everybody else screamed CHARGE. my dad yelled PAY CASH","edit: missed word" +"I'm pregnant. And I was just on the couch with my boyfriend watching old Nickelodeon Halloween specials. Our TV has this thing where it turns off randomly. Sometimes a lot, sometimes not at all. We were on the couch cuddling/kissing and talking about the baby and the TV suddenly turned off. My boyfriend pulls away for a bit, looks at the TV and says Hmm, I thought something was. Off. 😏 He's obviously preparing differently than I am for this baby","" +"Rumours are that Kim Jong-un is losing power","Replacing him will be his brother and most senior official, Kim Jong-deux" +"After a nice day's hiking in Uganda. We get to the little lodge thing, and my friend leaves his sodden boots outside to dry. The next morning, we get up to find that the local mutts have torn them to pieces. He's pretty upset, and wondering what to do: 'Do you think my insurance will cover it. ' he ponders. 'Nah mate, check your policy","You'll find there are exemptions for 'Theft, Fire, and Acts of Dog'" +"Did you hear about the crushed chickpea","It gained fame post-hummusly" +"You know what they say about people who hate boomerangs","They'll come back around eventually" +"Me, to my father: Why can't even numbers be together. Dad: I don't know, why","Me: Because the odds are against them" +"While in the bathroom, my wife said, Honey can you give me a q-tip","Capitalize Q when it's at the beginning of a sentence" +"Why don’t scientists trust atoms","They make everything up" +"What do you call when the cows escape from the barn","A mootiny" +"Acute Bronchitis My friend saw a doctor recently after he was dealing with a cough for a while, so he was telling us about the diagnosis. My friend: Guys, I've got acute bronchitis. My other friend: That's not that cute","*groans*" +"What medal did the weasel war hero receive","A badger of honor" +"Have you guys been following that Broadway controversy","Turns out ALL their plays are staged" +"What a lousy year","First my grandma died, And then for the first time in forty years I didn't get a valentine's card from my secret admirer" +"What's E. T short for","Because he's got little legs Not at all original, my dad's most commonly used joke" +"Though I have never been to the Grand Canyon, I want to go","I hear it's just gorges" +"I meta girl","She couldn't stop talking about herself" +"What did the ghost say to the bartender when he entered the bar","I'm just here for the boos" +"The fireman was injured on the job. Some say he was pushed, some think something fell on him. I think it was the latter. &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; (Thought up this gem while trying to sleep at 3 am","lol" +"I told my wife I was going to make a car out of spaghetti She just laughed","You should of seen her face when I drove past her" +"I usually don't tell dad jokes","But when I do, he tells me to stop reposting an in-original joke on the subreddit" +"If i had a Delorean","I would probably only drive it from time to time" +"People don't believe me when I tell them how far my dog will go to bring back sticks","They think it's too far fetched, but he's a great retriever" +"Best customer ever So I work at Dick's sporting goods, at the *flagship* store meaning that we are the largest store in the United States. Had a guy come in, clearly impressed with the store. I proceeded to tell him how we were the largest store around","Without missing a beat he replied So how's it feel to be working for the biggest Dick's in America" +"hi hungry, im dad. https://imgur","com/gallery/ML5cE" +"My 6 year old just asked me this one: What do you get when you throw strawberries on the wall","Angry Dad" +"Why do chicken coops have two doors","Because if they had four, it would be a chicken sedan" +"What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer","Quacks in the pavement" +"Why does a blonde have an empty bottle in the fridge","In case someone comes and doesn't want a drink" +"My wife said I needed to go to the hospital after getting a deep cut. I refused","She told me suture self" +"Got dad joked by my 2 year old. So proud. Me: Hey buddy, can you tell me a joke","Him: Joke" +"Did you hear about the Doctor on the United Flight","(removed)" +"My Star Trek DVDs didn't turn up","I'd forgotten to send the Chekhov" +"Word on the streets","Excel in the sheets" +"Who came between Mr. D and Mr","It's-a Mr" +"Asked my. Dad if. I could go to a 50¢ concert","So he gave me a dollar and asked me to bring my brother" +"My daughter wants the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she can have one if she gets good grades, does her chores and follows the house rules","Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone because It's my way, or the Huawei" +"My roommate didn't appreciate my humor So I live in an area called Brightside. I'm driving my friend who came to visit me and he asks Who else loves on Brightside so I reply All the optimistic people","My roommate who sat in the back rolled his eyes and let out a sigh" +"I think. I need a new ass","Mines got a crack in it" +"My dad is coolerblind","you red that wrong" +"Where do 3 legged horses live","In an unstable" +"I went down to the bar yesterday and asked for some helicopter flavoured crisps","The bartender responded to me with, ‘Sorry mate, we only serve plain flavour’" +"What do you call a robot that’s eating pancakes","Ihoptimus Prime" +"My grandma isn’t a fan of her new stairlift","She says it drives her up the wall" +"What's considered trashy if you're poor, but classy if you're rich","Not raising your child" +"My wife dated a professional clown before she met me","I had some pretty big shoes to fill" +"How do you fix a broken pizza","With tomato paste" +"I met a magical little man who couldn't carry around his pot of gold because his fingers kept falling off","He was a leperchaun" +"What do you call a us mint that breaks down. oh wait","that doesn't make any cents" +"Alternate Interstellar Ending (spoilers) http://gfycat","com/QuarterlyWhiteBedbug" +"My friend bet me £100 that I couldn't do an impression of a butterfly","I thought that's worth a flutter" +"Got a stud finder for. Christmas","We had to take the battery’s out." +"New glassware My roommate came home from work with a bunch of new glasses that all had the craftsman logo on them. He said These were really cheap, but everyone who sees them will think we're a bunch of rednecks","I replied No I bet they'll just think we're a bunch of tools" +"Give a man a plane ticket, he'll fly for a day","Push a man out of a plane, he'll fly for the rest of his life" +"I have a really bad addiction to Middle Eastern food","I can't help but falafel" +"What did the man say after he realized he got change after buying stuff","It all makes cents now" +"Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water","Because he was a little horse" +"What's a Pirate's Favorite Letter. Me: Arrrrrrr","Dad: Naw, it's tha C we really love" +"I thought about going on an all-almond diet","But that's just nuts" +"I love aviation jokes, but,","They always seem to go over people's heads." +"Burned my Hawaiian pizza today","Should have cooked it at aloha temperature" +"Why do Texans serve pie with ice cream","They remember the a la mode" +"I began reading a horror novel in Braille","Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it" +"The. Gettysburg. Adress 1195. Baltimore. Pike #100,. Gettysburg,","PA 17325" +"Me: “My wife is very manipulative. ” My friends: “Then why’d you marry her","” Me: “Because she’s **VERY MANIPULATIVE**”" +"Wanna know how I welcome birds to my home","Microwave" +"What makes a calendar so popular","It has a lot of dates" +"My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk","” That’s not a good sign" +"What do you call it when an elk makes sequential long and short noises","Moose code" +"How much money does an ATM hold","80 M" +"My sister is a dad Talking about some dead trees in her back yard It just killed the evergreens","Now they're everbrown" +"What do you call a servant of God. Is it Jesus. Or The Holy Spirit","Actually, it’s Nun of the above" +"When telling dad jokes/puns, do you prefer your victims to laugh or groan. I personally prefer horrible puns that make the listener regret being born with ears","But thats just me" +"A man with a stutter died in prison","before he could finish his sentence" +"Why can’t locomotive engineers be electrocuted","Because they are not conductors *text from my dad who just retired from being a train engineer this morning*" +"My US penpal shaves for the gym. Me I guess in your country you have the right to bare arms Him","Wow" +"Why did everyone ignore the tall flightless bird","Because he was Ostrich-sized" +"I dad joked my wife and got in trouble. We have twin babies which often fall asleep on my wife while she's breastfeeding","I commented that we don't need to get them a bunk bed for their room because she is a twin size bed" +"I asked my dad why he likes girly drinks, and he said that his favorite drink is actually a very manly drink. Carl Sagan was known to be quite a fan","He sure loved his Cosmos" +"A little old lady at the ATM asked me to help check her balance","All it took was one good shove to tell it was terrible" +"Sprung this one on the Mrs yesterday Daughter crying while I check her for the usual suspects (hungry, tired, dirty diaper) Wife: Did Layla poop. Me: No, just pee. Wife: Well would you like to sit in your own piss","Me: Depends" +"My girlfriend wrote an article about the history of the menstrual cycle","It's a period piece" +"What happens when the sunrise bends over","You see the crack of dawn" +"Why is organizing a professional hide-and-seek tournament hard","It's hard to find good players" +"How did the Dad justify buying the boat","There was a sail" +"I have six eyes, three ears, and two mouths. What am I","Ugly" +"I tried coke once","Just to see if it’s all it’s cracked up to be" +"What do you call a burgler that's been pepper sprayed","A seasoned criminal" +"Why can't your nose be twelve inches long","Because then it'd be a foot" +"What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object","Thay shake hands" +"My son asked me if he should take Algebra, and I said it was a difficult question to answer","there are just too many variables involved" +"There's an interesting fact about cemeteries in my area","It's the dead center of the town" +"I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then","I changed my mind." +"Why do chicken coops have 2 doors","If they had 4 doors they'd be called chicken sedans" +"Knot knot","Shoes there." +"My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs","I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common" +"This car has been through a lot. A whole lot. look at that thing it really shows https://i. redd. it/u3a5usj471gy","jpg" +"Dadjoked my girlfriend while watching netflix We were watching Netflix together and she notices a large padlock someone left on my table. She picks it up and says why do you have a lock. And I say I don't have a lock, you do. She sighs and puts it on the table, thinking she had outsmarted me. Why does your table have a lock. Cause you put it there","I'll probably be single soon" +"My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience","The second time let me down" +"Her: Why are you talking to yourself","Me: Sometimes I need expert advice" +"Did i tell you about my sick bird. He has chirpees. It's a canarial disease","It's untweetable" +"My favorite old coat is falling apart and now","I'm going to have to throw it out or sew it's seams...." +"As a proud Dad, I always wanted my Son to be a lawyer, but sadly, he had a big alcohol problem","and couldn't pass the bar" +"What do you call a clear steer","Invisibull" +"What's brown and rhymes with Snoop. Dr","Dre" +"What do you call a Jamaican restaurant that serves Japanese tuna","Poké, mon" +"My dad needs to get his life together. https://i. imgur. com/5hAoPe2_d","jpg" +"I got my dad back in public the other day My dad and I were at the checkout counter: Dad: I love cider. Me : the only cider I like is 'Hot Dicken's' Dad: Hot dicken's cider, never heard of it","Cashier : groan Dad: groan" +"Why can't you run through a campsite","You can only ran, because its past tents" +"Today. I sad a ad that said “radio for sale 1$, volume stuck on full”","I thought “I can’t turn that down “" +"Rope walks into a bar. And asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender replies I'm sorry, we don't serve ropes here. So the rope leaves. He sees two kids playing outside and asks them for a couple of favors. Could you tie me and rough up my ends a little please. Of course the kids help out, I mean. who wouldn't want to help out a talking rope. So the rope goes back into the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says We don't serve ropes, didn't you hear me before","The rope says I'm a frayed knot" +"What kind of tree do fingers grow on","A palm tree" +"A Mexican magician was doing a magic show, he said uno, dos","And he disappeared without a tres" +"Dadjoke'd my college class So I forgot my school was having a planned fire drill. I was hanging outside my class building, ditching with my girlfriend when everybody suddenly poured out. My teacher came out in front of the entire class and asked me why I was already outside. I don't know what came over me, I guess my brain went into auto-defense-dad-mode because I told him: What can I say","I'm a premature evacuator" +"My wife told me to stop behaving like a flamingo","That's when I had to put my foot down" +"What is the root of all evil. 25","8069758011" +"I really want to tell you this joke about peanut butter","but I'm afraid you might spread it" +"My girlfriend almost left me at the store because of this one. Her: Aww, look at these cute coasters. Me: They'd be better if they had wheels. Her: Why","Me: Because then they would be rollercoasters" +"I strongly believe that Highlighters will be the only thing used in the future","Mark my words" +"Why did the scarecrow get an award","He was out standing in his field" +"When does a joke turn into a dadjoke","When the punchline becomes apparent" +"What do you call an alligator in a vest","An In-Vest-igator" +"What do you call it when Batman skips church","Christian Bale" +"Took me less then five minutes. Daughter was born 8/17/15 (first child). When they put her in mom's arms we were both tearful. I counted her finger and toes then I touched her little ear. she suddenly winced at that and without missing a beat I said oh no. sorry to earitate you","It was so natural" +"My kids were taking forever to finish their breakfast, so I had to quote Kanye West to them","I said, “Omelette you finish" +"If I get a falcon born between 1980-2000 If I get a falcon born between 1980-2000, I would officially own a millennial falcon","I wonder how fast it could do the kestrel run" +"Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road","It got stuck in a crack" +"Why did the stadium get hot after the game","Because all the fans left" +"What do you call a deer with no eyes. No-eye deer What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs. Still no-eye deer What do you call a burning deer with no eyes and no legs. Still no flaming eye-deer What do you call a bleeding, burning deer with no eyes and no legs","Still no bloody flaming eye-deer" +"Utterly outdone by my girlfriend Me: I think I remember reading that when the Beatles were recording Hey Jude, for the the take they used, ringo was in the toilet when Paul started, and he got back to his drum kit just in time for the start of the whole band playing along. Her: Was it a number one or a number two. Me: it was number one for 8 weeks","Her: He should see a doctor" +"I never normally tell dad jokes","But when I do he laughs" +"I called 911 because a bunch of bees flew into my apartment","The operator promised to send a swat team" +"First dad joke of the year, it's gonna be hard to top this one Mum: Shall I put the kettle on","Dad: I don't think it'll fit you, love" +"What happens when you cross a hippo, an elephant, and a rhino","Helephino (hell if I know)" +"Was out at a Chinese restaurant with my dad, got a fortune cookie My fortune cookie: The ax soon forgets, but the tree always remembers","Dad: Wow, that cuts deep" +"Don't kiss your wife with a runny nose","You may think it's funny, but it snot" +"When my wife was in labor, she kept shouting “Shouldn’t. Couldn’t. Won’t. Can’t","” “Don’t worry,” the doctor said, “those are just contractions" +"Dad got me in public with this one We stopped by a stall selling paintings, tshirts, watches and all sorts of cheap tat but they all had pictures of Jesus printed on them. I asked my Dad what's with all the Jesus stuff","He replied God knows and let out a giggle" +"What did the Kaiser roll say to the other Kaiser roll","Gluten Tag" +"What did the green grape say to the purple grape","Breathe you idiot" +"I took a poll the other day","Turns out 100% of people get angry when their tents fall down" +"Dad joked. Sloth bears. I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony","Hubby became a father a year and a half ago but that made him a dad" +"I'm going to name my next dog Five Miles","so I can tell people I walk five miles every day" +"What did the drummer name his twin daughters","Anna One, Anna Two" +"Always gotta make sure to hide your porn. Today my family was moving furniture around, and a couple friends came over to help. When rearranging my room, my dad asked if we'd end up finding any porn. Me: Yeah, I keep my porn stash under my bed. My friend: Really. I keep my porn stache on my face","Sadly, it took me a second to fully comprehend" +"Got my wife when she called about a sticker she saw. My wife just called asking about a sticker she saw on the back of a car. Her: It's the one with two fingers up, the ring finger down and the pinkie up. Me: I'm at work, I can't say exactly, but I'll say it's shocking. Her: Oh. Right, The shocker. I'm sure I'll have to ask you that again because it's not going to stick in my head. Me: It's not supposed to stick in your head","I will still laughing when she hung up on me" +"How will we describe Trump's impeachment","As an unpresidented moment in history" +"Do you know anything about Kirchoff's Current Law. I'm only familiar with his older stuff","Sorry" +"A son and his father go fishing together for the first time. Son: how do I catch a fish. Dad: Easy, just throw this clickbait into the water. Son: Got it, what’s next","Dad: What happens next will shock you" +"My GF was talking about our reaction if something happened to our dog. Her: You would cry Me: Oh my god I'd be basketball crying. Her: What's basketball crying","Me: Ballin' Her: I hate you" +"My child has been learning what a metaphor is I asked, is it like a metafive but not as good. Got a laugh from the teacher and a groan from my kids. Mission complete","Update: my wife just read the post and I started giggling and said 'I make myself laugh', my seven year old piped up 'you don't make other people laugh' I'm so proud of myself" +"When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his calculus lesson","He remembered to add the sea" +"Don't put the Lady Grey tea next to the Earl Grey tea. Or else you will get baby Grey tea","An awful one from my dad" +"My older daughter asked me why. Mommy is so tired after breastfeeding our baby all day. I told her:. Breastfeeding is tough for","Mommy, it really takes a lot out of her" +"Where do sick horses go to","The horse-pital" +"A plastic bucket vs. a metal bucket","pails in comparison" +"How can you tell if a hen chicken is a lesbian","She doesn’t like cocks" +"I love telling dad jokes","Sometimes he laughs" +"Where do you learn to make ice cream","Sundae School" +"Darth Vader's new wife has his life full of ups and downs. Her name is Ella","Ella Vader" +"Apple has only one model of phone that is an undeniable success","The 6S" +"Cousin dadjoked his mom Mom: (looking at baby pictures of her son) Awwww. there's Dave. Mom: Oh and there's Dave too","Dave: Where did Dave one go" +"How many apples grow on trees","All of them" +"Smaller babies may be delivered by stork","but the heavier ones need a crane" +"What do you do when a Flintstones Gummy knocks on your door","You in-vitamin" +"What do you call a poor-driving dinosaur","Tyrannosaurus Wrecks" +"How do crazy women get through the forest","They take the psycho-path" +"John is having a bad day. John is having a bad day. He tried to button his shirt and the button fell off. He picked up his briefcase and the handle fell off. He went to the door and the doorknob fell off","Now he's afraid to pee" +"They asked where I see myself in 5 years","I don't know I don't have 2020 vision" +"Why can Captain Kirk hear so well. Because he has three ears: a left ear, a right ear, and a final frontier. This has been copied from https://news. ycombinator. com/item","id=9309001" +"I am terrified of elevators","I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them" +"Kid: Dad. Who's our internet service provider","Dad: I am" +"Got my fiancee tonight. I opened the cupboard and out falls a bag of Freshly ground coffee It bursts open as it lands on the floor. I smirked and stated","It's okay, it'll be fine, it is ground coffee after all" +"What does a clock do when it's hungry","It goes back four seconds" +"I told my dad. I had to go get a haircut. He told me","I should get them all cut" +"What do you call a dead dog","I don't know, but it probably won't come running" +"TIL: A thousand years ago, the boomerang was Australia’s chief export","And import" +"I made some fish tacos last night","They swam right past them" +"How many ears does Captain Kirk have","A left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear" +"I woke up in a really dark place this morning","My bedroom" +"Sister's at it again. I'm 5'11'', the tallest person in the entire family, extended included. I mentioned this at dinner and followed it up by saying that I'm not too tall compared to some people. Sister: I guess you're just *relatively* tall. (cue groans) EDIT: I measured myself","Turns out I'm almost 6'1''" +"I don’t believe in boats","I have yacht to see one" +"The next thing. I'll say will shock you","A taser" +"Why shouldn't you wear wooden shoes in the bathroom","You might clog the toilet" +"How was Jaden Smith created","Through the power of Will" +"I'm moving out of state to be closer to my girlfriend. she said when I move, she's going to get me a nice housewarming gift","I replied You're getting me a fireplace" +"Do you know why Norway’s navy has bar codes on the sides of their ships","That way when they come back to port they can Scandinavian" +"Got my son, then wife, with the henweigh Surfing reddit, my son on the couch. I look up at him &nbsp; > Me: Have you seen the henweigh. > Son: What's a henweigh. > Me: About 2 pounds > Son: Really, dad. &nbsp; Then I went to see my wife in the back room &nbsp; > Me: I just hit Devin with the henweigh > Wife: What's a henweigh","&nbsp; &nbsp;" +"Have you heard about the zoo with only one dog","It’s a shitzu" +"I went to a dadjoke contest, but the crowd turned on me when I started telling puns","I guess you could say there were some punintended consequences" +"What do you call a snail on a boat","A snailer" +"What is the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo","A Hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter" +"Geeky dad joke I was at an ex-girlfriend's family dinner a few years ago, and someone was talking about astrology and what their signs meant. When asked what his sign was, my ex-girlfriend's dad said this is my sign and traced a wave with his finger. Everyone paused and looked confused. And then he traced a similar wave, and said And this is my cosine","As everyone started groaning, he said, Sorry about the tangent" +"Nitrous. Oxide is no laughing matter","Oh wait, yes it is!" +"I'm a teacher, dad joked a student As I was handing out some cards for the lesson, a student hid them up his sleave claiming he was good at magic. 'I'm pretty good at magic' I replied. 'If you don't put those back, I can make your lunch time disappear","' WOOOSH" +"Describe yourself in one word","Not good at following directions" +"Cowboys say yee-haw,","But ninjas say hee-yaw" +"What's blue and not heavy at all","Light Blue" +"Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg","Yeah, he's alright now" +"Dad joked my girlfriend last night After a long day of walking around the zoo we were laying in bed unwinding with a few drinks","I was drinking a Coors light, she pointed at it and said Her: I think that [Coors] was the first beer I ever had Me: well it couldn't have been this one, I just finished the whole thing The long sigh was the best part of my day" +"Apparently my dog thinks dinner time is just a big. EDM concert","He sits there, his pupils getting bigger and bigger, just waiting for the drop." +"What kind of music do balloons hate the most","pop" +"If you’re Russian to the bathroom then what are you in the bathroom","European" +"I told my boyfriend I might be a horse whisperer","He replied 'I don't know honey, we all whisper when we' re hoarse'" +"Cracked Screen http://imgur. com/fnwvHLe ([Original post](https://www. reddit","com/r/Unexpected/comments/4h8d23/cracked_screen/))" +"How did Jesus feel about being crucified","Cross" +"Where does a dad store all his good jokes","In his dad-a-base" +"Almond milk So my girlfriend and I are visiting her parents this weekend. At breakfast her dad asks if we'd like almond milk with our coffee and we say yes","He comes back and plops a gallon of 2% in front of us with this huge grin on his face, makes the sign of the cross in the air and goes ah-mend There is so much this man can teach me" +"Me: Dad can you tell me what a star shaped martial arts weapon is called","Shuriken" +"Jesus walks into a bar","The bartender says, “Our new policy— we charge you for water" +"When i was younger i felt like a man trapped in a womans body","Then i was born" +"R.I.P. Boiling. Water","You will be mist" +"You can’t make people change","Unless you work at a register" +"I called the paranoia hotline","A guy answered “How the hell did you get this number" +"I always dedicate my speeches to my dad, a roofer","so father, if you're up there, please listen to this" +"My son told me. I’m a real smart cookie. I think","I’m more of a wise cracker." +"Why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom","Because the p is silent" +"You know, my ceiling is pretty good","It’s not the best, but it is up there" +"My eye doctor told me that I would have to start using glasses","I told him I wouldn’t, I drink out of the bottle" +"I've been pretty down on myself, I haven't been able to go to the gym","I'm sure everything will work out" +"My buddy’s bragging to everyone about how he learned the Spanish word for cheese","Every time I hear him, all I can think is “Kay, so" +"My sons first, solid dad joke/pun - I'm so proud. My son is four. We do a lot of puns around our house and he has tried hard, but they don't really make sense. The other day I made a mistake and said, Oh, crap. He told me I shouldn't say that word and I agreed, but was frustrated because I made a mistake. A minute later: Dad. I have a joke for you. What's that, bud. What do you say when you make a mistake and have to throw it away. I don't know, what. Ohhh, SCRAP","I'm so proud" +"Brother beat me to it First off - I'm not a dad, just known for making the dad jokes. So anyways, my grandpa had a stroke this morning. I went to visit him earlier today. He's 90, a WW2 Vet, cool guy. Becuase of his stroke, his *entire left side* is immobile as of right now. When I got home, and told my family how he was doing, my little brother piped up: So he's all right now. I facepalmed right after he said that","I should have seen it coming and said it first" +"It’s possibly not safe to drive my car right now","But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before" +"When does a dad joke, become a dad joke","When it's fully groan" +"Her: have you seen my other slipper","Me: No, it must've slipped away" +"He had to explain it, because nobody got it at first. My friend was talking about his roommate's job in cyber-security and how he has to stop hackers. He said He's on-call so they can call him at anytime if someone is hacking in the middle of the night","His dad replied with Well why doesn't he just use a cough drop" +"I'm delighted **A burglar stole all my lamps","I should be upset, but I’m delighted" +"I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don't worry, I'm not hurt","It was a soft drink" +"Dadjoked my English teacher Short story we're reading is about an alcoholic. Teacher begins by saying: Drink responsibly, I only drink on special occasions (jokingly). Me: Is your favorite drink a Tequila Mockingbird","*insert class groan*" +"Standing in line at the quickie Mart. Behind this guy buying condoms and cough drops","I think to myself, man this guy is fucking sick" +"What advice did Biggie Smalls give to the cow","Moo money, Moo problems" +"My girlfriend named. Hope broke up with me. Now. I'm","Hopeless" +"Just reheated last night's twice-baked potato When I told my wife it was now a thrice baked potato she left the room","More potato for me" +"I cant find my 'Gone in 60 seconds'. DVD","It was here a minute ago" +"Two successful zingers during my colonoscopy Gastroenterologists have heard every colon/rectum/bile/poop-related joke ad naseum, but I managed to sling a couple of original zingers while being prepped for my colonoscopy. \#1 Me to anesthesiologist: How long have you worked at this clinic. Anest: About a year. Been with field medical teams my entire career. This is the first time settled down in a clinic. and first time in gastro. Me: I see. After years in the field, how do like working in an orifice. Anest. : LOL, no idea how I haven't heard that one yet. \#2 Doctor: We're administering the sedative now. You'll wake up in the recovery bay where I'll brief you. Me: OK, I'll see you on the outside. \[getting groggy\]. after you see *me* on the inside","Doctor: OK, I'm stealing that one" +"r/dadjokes,","I need to get something off my chest *Removes t-shirt*" +"What do you call a small courtroom","Trial size" +"Saw this online. Thought you would like it My grandfather or Pa, as I called him gave my an absolute gem. He was actually my step mother's dad and we already called my other grandfather Papa, so we called him 'Pa Ulb' - Ulb being his surname. He was an incredible artist and would paint awesome things for us or on our bedroom walls. I remember he painted me a massive Star Wars piece on one of my walls when Episode 1 came out. I was only about about 6 at the time and remember being scared of Darth Maul. From this we used to joke around that Darth Maul would come and get me if I did anything wrong. Sort of like a police officer watching my every move, to ensure I behaved. This carried on as a joke until he died 2 years ago, when I had done something wrong he said he'd call the police and get Maul to take me away. When he did die he had just finished an incredible painting of Darth Maul as a police officer. It was amazing. My parents could make sense of it and weren't sure if it was him that had painted it, so they flipped it over because he used to always write Pa Ulb Art and the title of the painting","Surely enough on the back it said Pa ulb Art - Maul Cop" +"What do horses in adjacent boxes call each other","*Neigh*bors" +"I always enjoy putting the car in reverse","It takes me back" +"My dinner tonight consisted of the internal organs and entrails of a butchered animal","It was offal" +"Great dads think alike. A friend of mine posted a status about her recent weight loss saying she is Down 11 1/2 from one year ago. Dad replies: OMG. So you're like 4' something now","I chuckled to myself" +"What did the snake give to her son when he wouldn’t be quiet","An AntiHISStamine" +"Yesterday a clown held a door open for me","I thought it was a nice jester" +"What’s. The. Difference. Between. A. Choking. Fetish. And. Necrophilia","About 15 seconds" +"Why was the mint jelly nervous","Because it was always on the lamb" +"I read that 50% of people who live in. Manhattan are millionaires so me and the wife are moving to","Manhattan under the condition that whichever one of us is the millionaire will split the money with the other one" +"If you are terrified of pi","You have an irrational fear" +"This is my meanest joke (x-post /r/meanjokes) A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells We got him","Yup, my MEANEST joke" +"Wife cracked this one Walking outside on our way to Nordstrom's rack and my wife says, let's hit up the rack, I hear they have a pretty sizable maternity section . I grinned at her and she said these jokes need to stop","(Note: Nordstrom's rack has no maternity section, we were left disappointed)" +"Coworker got us good We were talking about American Sign Language and a few of us were showing what signs we knew. My coworker shows us the sign for milk, which is a motion as if you are milking a cow. He asks if we know what it means, and a few of us respond milk. Then he does it again as he passes his hand in front of his face and asks, How about this. Everyone is stumped","He replies, Pasteurized milk , everyone thinks about it for a few seconds, then lets out a collective groan" +"I slept like a log last night","I woke up in the fireplace" +"Went to. Home. Depot with my. Dad to get some lumber. The guy in the wood cutting area asked how long my. Dad wanted the 2 x4 s Well, we're building a house, said","Dad, so probably 30-40 years?" +"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer","I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day" +"So yall know how people used wooden dentures in the 19th century. I wonder if women ever tried or thought of using the same idea to increase boob size","That would be something, now wooden tit" +"My grandpa told me this joke A lady bumped a bottle, and suddenly, a genie appeared. It offered her one wish. She thought for a while, and asked “Make me look pretty","” The genie, looking back at her, said “Never mind, put me back into the bottle" +"The CEO of Honda was fired, and the cops were called to remove him from his office","He refused to leave on his own Accord" +"My dad just dropped this one. My mom bought new pillows to make the living room look more vibrant . Mom: I don't know if I like these, I just want something to tie this room together. Dad: Maybe you should by a rope","Sighs and eye rolling ensued" +"What did Babycorn ask Mamacorn","Where is Popcorn" +"My wife's phone was ran over by a car Being the typical dad joker that I am, I asked her why a car would do such a thing. She said because it couldn't car less","(Then she looked at me all proud because she had successfully beat me at a dad joke) Edit: ~~grammer~~ grammar & spelling" +"Why can you not use beef stew as a password","Because its not stroganoff" +"I told my son That masturbation Leeds to blindness","He said dad I'm over here" +"ELI5 obviously has a few dads https://www. reddit","com/r/explainlikeimfive/comments/3gug73/eli5_why_do_divers_fall_backwards_off_boats/cu1s5ld" +"Depression in Mexico There are been a sharp increase in depression in Mexico since Trump got into office on the platform of building a wall between the two countries","Leading mental health experts have said that sadly many Mexicans will never get over it" +"At the Zoo today. So we were walking in the North American section of the Columbus Zoo, and I see a dad point his two young kids at an exhibit and say Look kids, a cougar","He paused a moment and then added You can see them in bars too" +"My dad got me after my band/orchestra concert last night *important, my family speaks Spanish* After my school's Christmas concert, I went out to eat with my family. They were asking me about some people who were announced for having made it into the All-State Band and Orchestra, one of which was a string bass player (contrabajo in Spanish). I told them: Si. Ella toca contrabajo. (Yes. She plays string bass. ) And my dad replies: ¿Pues si toca con trabajo, porque la aceptaron. (Well if she plays with difficulty, why did they accept her",") TL;DR: Contrabajo = string bass, con trabajo = with difficulty" +"Im a master at sleeping","I can do it with my eyes closed!" +"Got a pen from. Starbucks but it only writes in","Javascript" +"My wife said that she really enjoys 1-to-1 conversations","So I woke her up at 12:59 for a chat" +"I made a song about a tortilla today","It was actually more of a wrap" +"What did one stop light say to the other stop light","Don't look I'm changing" +"How do you circumcise a whale","Send down foreskin divers" +"I had fun angering our local magician the other day","He pulled his hare out" +"My co-worker just witnessed my dad joke level. My co-worker says: I told my fiance that I would like to go to the UK for our honeymoon, if we can afford it . I responded, You probably can't afford it","To go there, you need pounds of money" +"What do you call a coffee with no legs","Decalf" +"Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c","Because you can't see in the dark" +"Dad joke from my grocery store days. I worked at a grocery store for several years, sometimes as a bagger. Sometimes my interactions went like this: Me: paper or plastic. Customer: it doesn't matter, you choose Me: I'm sorry, I can't do that Customer: why not","Me: because baggers can't be choosers (Groans)" +"I was on holiday in Poland. with a fellow Dad last weekend when we walked past what looked very much like a strip club","He was a little surprised to find such an establishment in the rather staid seaside resort we were staying in, so I explained that we were in a country with a long and respectable tradition of Pole dancing" +"My boyfriend's razor sharp wit So after half an hour of trying to shave with an old razor, I walk out of the bathroom and say to my boyfriend Honey, remind me to get a new razor, this one's blunt. and he replies Well, I don't think one that beats around the bush would be much use either","Groans ensued" +"Why aren't American McDonald's employees required to wear gloves","They have the right to bare arms" +"16 sodium atoms walk into a bar with. Batman. Na. Na. Na. Na. Na. Na. Na. Na. Na. Na. Na. Na. Na. Na. Na. Na","Batman" +"Where do generals keep their armies","In their sleevies" +"What do you call a prehistoric cat girl","A Nyanderthal" +"Girlfriend falls for it everytime. Driving in a car Me: HEY. </points out window> Her: What","Her: </Notices bails of hay on side of road> Me: </Laughs ass off> Her: I hate you" +"My Dad got me. Dad: Hey son, what's the plural of nostril. me: Nostrils. Dad: Nose","*Groans*" +"Why can’t ghosts procreate","They have hollow weeners" +"I accidentally tossed my wife the glue stick instead of the chapstick","She's been tight lipped ever since" +"Got my friend with a good one the other day So my friend is a photographer and always notices the lighting and comments on how it would be for taking photos. We walk out my house and it's all gloomy. Me: Ugh, it's so gloomy out. Her: I love it. The low key lighting is great for photos. Me: As opposed to Thor lighting. Her: Grooaaannn. Haha 'low key' = 'Loki'","Ehh, I'm a dork" +"What do angry peppers do","They get jalapeno face" +"Went into a Salvation Army store and saw a radio. It was turned up full blast but the volume knob was missing. It only cost 1 dollar","I said boy I can’t turn this down" +"Sorry about the cross post https://i. imgur. com/RR3pZ6R","jpg" +"How can you tell the sex of an ant","Put them in a glass of water, if it sinks its a girl ant, if it floats its buoyant" +"Nine ants were kicked out of the apartment complex","Because they were not tenants." +"Train conductors are really good at their job","Because they train everyday!" +"Remember to change your clocks tonight for the end of DST. And enjoy your long weekend","(Via: My father every fall back )" +"What do you call a large dog that meditates","Aware wolf" +"What do you call a poorly made Pokémon movie","Defective Pikachu" +"My son said he wanted to be a millionaire one day. What an idiot","Surely it would be better to be one your entire life" +"Someone left a nice wallet in their pants and it went through the wash","My dad told me that's what's called money laundering." +"I almost got kicked out of my monk commune","But then I said, Namaste" +"Why was the pirate store so successful","They had the biggest sails" +"If I die and come back as a cowboy","It would be reintarnation" +"So I just playfully licked my girlfriend on her cheek. And my dad says HEY","You can't do that without a liquor license" +"After 4 karate classes…","I can now break a 2 inch board with my cast." +"Everytime my dad sees a dog in public So this joke is originally in Spanish; Ese si es hijo de perra","Translated as; That one there is a real son of a bitch" +"My Dad stole a dead guy's money *talking to my dad about aftermath of Paul Walker's death* ME: I heard his family is making a donation to his disaster relief charity. DAD: Not if I can help it. ME: What do you mean. DAD: I've been using his ATM card for some extra cash. ME: Bull. You would need to know his PIN number. DAD: I do","It's 0-2-60" +"I bought a new vacuum cleaner today","Man, it sucks" +"A Grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says: We have a drink named after you","Grasshopper says: You have a drink named Steve" +"So this is how. Autumn ends. Not with a bang but with a","Winter" +"My dad can't stop talking about getting granite tiles for our flooring","Probably because he lost his marble(s)." +"What do you call someone who doesn’t like bread","A weirdough" +"Its important to keep some candy in your pocket at all times","It could be a lifesaver" +"There must be a yearly dad joke convention or something. I was filling flowerbeds at work-a sport center and gym- with my dad(one of the owners), the groundskeeper- a father himself(lets call him GK), his son, and another co-worker. two brothers, both in their late teens come out of the gym and wait for their dad to come pick them up. My dad sees them and asks if they want to help with the mulch- its a free second workout. A little later, GK says Hey guys, you two should help with the mulch. We won't pay ya, but it'll help build up your muscles. After the second time, you could hear the kids groan across the parking lot. Aaand in come the brothers' father to pick them up. Hey, look- they're mulching. you should help them. you two need to work on your biceps","Three variants of the same dad joke in a matter of 15 minutes" +"My dad joke at breakfast Eating my English muffin, point to my wife for to pass the fruit preserves my way: Lady","marmalade Groans all around" +"What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo","One's heavy the other is a little lighter" +"Dad at the airport After hearing my flight had been delayed for the second time I went up to the gate check-in desk. Me: What are the chances the flight is cancelled. Guy working the desk: Can't say for certain, it's up in the air right now","" +"Dad Sits on top of an old TV Me: what are you doing dad. Dad: LOOK SON","IM ON TV" +"I finally figured out. Colonel. Mustards first name","Dijonathan" +"I once made fun of my paraplegic friend","He wouldn't stand for it" +"What do you get if you mix a dumb person with a donut","Donut ask me" +"Why do walruses swim in salt water","Because if they swam in peppered water they’d sneeze all the time" +"4yo asks: What if I really was an ant. During dinner, I compared how Son #2 [4yo] was eating his spaghetti to an anteater. This sparked the following conversation. Son #2: What if I really was an ant. Son #1 [7yo]: Then you wouldn't really eat very much spaghetti. Ants eat just a little because they're so small. Me: Well, did you know it's pretty likely that, eventually, your sister will grow up to be an aunt. Daughter [5yo]: What. Me: Yeah, all it'll take is for one of you boys to have a kid. Then, she'll turn into an aunt. [Kids look confused. Son #1 has worked out the pun, is rolling eyes. ] Wife: He's right. We helped do it to Auntie Leah. [It clicks","] Daughter: _Oooooh, Daaad_" +"What do you call someone who cleans dirty vacuums","A vacuum cleaner" +"What's the difference between snowman and snowwoman",">> Snow balls 🤪😅" +"I identify as a male goose","I guess that makes me transgander." +"This old calculator might not look like much","But it's what's inside that counts" +"If you're not a flat-Earther","Does that make you a conspheracy theorist" +"What's the richest country in the world","Germoney" +"Why did the vegan stop eating chickpeas","To stop supporting hummuside" +"My mom has become a dad I was on my computer and she walked in and this happened: Mom: Do you want to hear a math joke. Me: Sure Mom: If you have an opinion that doesn't include 3. 14, all you really have is an onion. It took me a while to process what exactly my mom had just done, but once it clicked, it was too late. The transformation was complete","I now had two dads with terrible jokes" +"What do you call a cow that can't produce milk","An udder failure" +"What is a boxer’s favourite drink","Punch" +"It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house","The difference is staggering" +"A rabbit walks into a bar. 🐰 . and orders a cheese and ham toastie, with a pint of Guinness to wash it down with. The bartender goes into the back, prepares the rabbit's order and pulls him his drink. The rabbit pays his money, and sits at the bar eating his meal. Two minutes pass, and the rabbit asks for another pint but this time asks for a tuna mayo toastie. The barkeep, not wanting to upset his patron, once again preps the order in the kitchen and serves the rabbit his meal. The rabbit thanks the bartender, and eats his food, watching the game on the T. After the referee blows for half time, the rabbit whistles for the bartenders attention and orders a Guinness and a cheese and tomato toastie. Another trip is made to the back room, another pint is pulled and the rabbit thanks the bartender again. The rabbit is about to finish his toastie when as he goes to take the final bite, his paws clutch his chest and he falls backwards off his stool, lying dead as a doorknob. The bartender's jaw falls open is disbelief at what he has just seen, and checks the rabbit's pulse to see if there is any life, to which he discovers, there isn't. In his panic, he takes the rabbit's body to the back garden to lay him to rest. When the bartender has laid the final pile of soil atop the rabbit's corpse, he shrieks in terror as the ghost of the animal leaves the ground","The bartender asks the rabbit in ear why he died in his bar that night, to which the spirit replies: * Mixin' my toasties" +"I saw glass coffins are now a thing and I wonder if they’ll be popular","Remains to be seen" +"My dad on turkey bacon. Mom:. I don't know. I think turkey bacon is hard to chew. Dad:","That's why you gobble-gobble it" +"Imagine you're a prisoner stuck in a cell. How do you get out","Stop imagining" +"what do you call an air conditioning unit in the capital of the united states","ACDC" +"What does a duck get high on","Quack" +"Remember when plastic surgery was taboo","Now when you mention Botox, no one even raises an eyebrow" +"I went to. Home. Depot so. I could find a boyfriend","I heard they sell stud finders." +"If tiny Tim was Canadian, what would his name be","Timbit" +"A blacksmith took a bet to spend three nights in a haunted house","He lost when he got freaked out and made a bolt for the door" +"I walked into a stranger's house when a guy said to me, Do you wanna take this outside","And I did, because I'm a removal man" +"Went to the hardware store with my dad this morning. Cashier How long do you need these 2x4s","Dad Oh a long time we're building a shed Gr8 Dad" +"Which horse runs this city","The mare of course" +"I am reading a book about anti-gravity","I just can't put it down" +"I decide to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning","I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore" +"My 6 year old daughter dad-joked me. Sitting in my comfy chair playing overwatch. She jumps on my head from behind. I say(sort of mad), what do you think you're doing She replies(cooly), watching you play overwatch over you","My kid is too cool for me," +"At the gym I was at the gym with my friend talking about saving money during the semester. Him: Yeah, I need to stop eating halal so much every day. It's cheaper to eat at home. Me: So you're not fiscally fit","I was so proud" +"I always knock on the fridge door before i open it,","Just in case there is a salad dressing" +"What do we call a sad espresso. What do we call a sad espresso","Depresso" +"Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft","Because he conditioned it" +"thom yorke dad joke so I was talking to my friend about what made our days good today, and he said also Thom Yorke randomly dropped an album. I replied, what, were his hands too full. ba dum sss he hasn't replied back yet","wonder why" +"What do mermaids wash their fins with","Tide" +"Made my first dad joke in awaiting my wife to give birth. Back story. sitting in the garden, social distancing bbq. One of our mates has a baby who was looking for food and such. I came out with a pack of skips crisp. Baby’s mum said ‘gotta be careful, it’s got salt in it’, To my amazement I said ‘ they contain salt. ’ To which my partner replies. why do u think there so addictive’ With out thinking i spluted’ so if I put salt on my dick it will be ad-dick-tive","No one laughed but me" +"You wanna know what those little shits told me when I asked my 4 kids why they've been playing in a wardrobe all day","It's Narnia business" +"I don't trust stairs","They are always up to something." +"There’s something about subtraction","That just isn’t adding up for me" +"Do you know why stealing is illegal","Because they bandit" +"What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend","He wiped" +"Dad Joked by my Shift Lead at Starbucks. I was making whipped creams tonight. Since we make our own, we have these little CO2 cartridges that we use to “charge the whipped cream. These are conveniently called chargers. I was looking for these charges, even I asked my shift, “Where'd we put the freaking chargers. To which he replies, “In a San Diego","For context, the Chargers are an American football team located in San Diego, California" +"What's the mass of that chili pepper","Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now" +"Did you hear about the drummer who decided to name all his daughters the same name","Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3, Anna 4" +"So, if the NFL suspends Aqib Talib for that eye gouge on Sunday","does that make it a Talib Ban" +"Why can't your nose be 12 inches long","Because then it'd be a foot" +"A new type of broom came out recently","and it's sweeping the nation" +"I challenged, I failed. Dad triumphs. My friend asked this on her wall on facebook. Anyone else suffering from electricity shortage. Dad: Nope. That would be shocking. Or revolting. Me: Ohmm. These puns are so ampty. needs to be more electrifying Dad: OP, Watt. Dad: The puns are the current thing. Me: I hope nobody breaks the circuit of these puns. Dad: Wire you worried about that. They'll just socket to ya. Me: This is such a Polarity moment. Say Cheese, Brofs *SPARK* Dad: Don't be negative. Try alternating. It's not terminal. Me: You have bested me, You win","#dadjokes too good The Dad is strong, too strong" +"What do you call a dog made out of diamonds","A facet hound" +"I was at an Indian restaurant and I asked about the appetizers","The server said that was a naan starter" +"So. I lost my calculator in math class today. I guess you could say","I was calculess." +"My dad and I have this running joke","I should probably go catch it" +"Why is justice best served cold","Because if it was served warm, it would be justwater" +"Dadjoked one of my bosses today. My manager told me she didn't know if she could handle work today","I said Oh, you'll manage" +"Where do inexperienced dads get all their jokes","From the dadabase" +"I used to have a job at the zoo circumcising the elephants","The pay was lousy, but the tips were enormous" +"Oh I see, said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw","My grandfather's favorite dad joke" +"If. Apple made a phone for pirates","It would be called the ayePhone" +"Fiance got me with this one just now. We both switched to a keto diet and she was complaining about her coffee tasting gross without sugar. I suggested that she put some anise in it to make it 'Moroccan style'. Her response was: It would have been a-nise cup of coffee then","She has gone full dad mode" +"I walked down this street where the houses were numbered, 64K, 128K, 256K, and 1MB","That was a trip down memory lane." +"Why was the king one foot tall","Because he was a ruler" +"Whenever we're having dinner. Dad: Dinner is in the oven. Me: How long is it going to be","Dad: About 30 cm" +"Knock Knock Who's there. Dwayne. Dwayne who","Dwayne the bathtub I'm Dwowning" +"What does Hitler call his favourite chair","Mein Kampfy Chair" +"What did the policeman say to his tummy","You're​ under a vest" +"My brother threw a carton on milk at me","I'm like How dairy" +"Why did the runner need to drink water urgently","He was firsty" +"My. Keurig and my coffee pot just had a no-holds-barred fight","It was brewtal." +"While trying to post another joke here, my SO gave me this. Me: Now how do I word this","Him: With letters" +"I asked my girl to the Garbage concert. http://imgur","com/sVCZSXo" +"After Thanksgiving this year, I've decided not to eat any leftovers","I'm quitting cold turkey" +"Why is hot cocoa so frightened","Its always getting mugged" +"Dad joked by my captain at the fire station Watching the Olympics we got on the subject of swimming and how difficult of a sport it is. Me: Swimming isn't too bad, but really I'm only decent at freestyle. Everything else is terrible. Definitely takes a lot of practice, or body fat. Him: I can breast stroke all day","My wife gets pretty tired of it though" +"So a dog walks into a bar. Dog : Bartender, get me a jack. and a coke. Bartender: Sure thing, but what's with the small pause","Dog : I don't know, I've had them my whole life" +"Wanna hear a joke about paper","Nevermind, it's tearable" +"My Thai girlfriend's dad just dropped a multi language dad joke on me. He wanted to show me something on his phone and handed it to me. The screen was off and when I turned it on the PIN came up to unlock it. He says Ohh the password is (He just does a short laugh like Hahahaha ) Turns out Ha is Thai for 5","Also, that was all he wanted to show me" +"My husband just got me over salad. I asked if it was well dressed (as in enough dressing). He responded that it was semi-formal","Sigh" +"I lost one of my gloves so now I only have a left","Which is good on one hand" +"What do you call someone with no body and no nose","Nobody knows" +"What language do they speak at the center of the earth","Core-ean" +"New Year's Dadjoke Some friends and I got together and went to a pub to celebrate the turning of the year. We ordered our food and drinks a few minutes before 12am. As it struck midnight, the entire bar celebrated, and all the waitresses took a break and hugged and wished each other. It took them a while to get back to serving all the orders. When our waitress finally brought our order, it was well past midnight. At this point I couldn't stop giggling like a little school girl, but my friends gave me a look of disapproval. As she was putting the dishes on the table, I said to her, What took you so long. We've been waiting all year . Dead silence. One out my friends looks down in shame, the other looked to the waitress, waiting for her reaction. She had frozen, her arm holding the dish above the table. Without looking directly at me, she said in dry voice good one . But as she put the remainder of the order on the table and turned away, I saw a smile on her face","This has been a high point for me all year long" +"What do you call chess nerds talking about their victories in a hotel lobby. Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer. My friend's Dad laid this on me","Thought it'd be perfect here" +"Did you hear about those new corduroy pillows. They're making headlines. So I went down to the store to go check them out","They've made quite the impression on me" +"You're called a bisexual if you like both genders. What are you called if no gender likes you","Bye sexual" +"What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac. A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally. A comma. A literalist takes everything literally","A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally" +"So my boss helped a black gentleman with his car troubles the other day. There is this black guy who details cars in our parking lot for the surrounding businesses. My boss was coming back from lunch and noticed this gentleman needed help starting his client's car, so my boss got his cables out and gave the man a jump. When he told the office this I said Thank you for putting an end to the stereotype that white men can't jump","Everyone gave a collective ugh" +"A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. Wait, don't chop me down. I'm a talking tree. The lumberjack smiles","And you will dialogue" +"I just got a new job at a bicycle repair shop","I’m their new spokesman" +"Got my fiance this morning Her: you're so handsome. and then grabbed my hand and said your hands look so nice. Without missing a beat I looked at her and said: oh, I see now. You only think I'm HAND-some","Got a good eye roll out of her" +"Have you heard about the new pirate movie","It’s rated AARRRRGH because of all the booty" +"I said it once and. I’ll say it again","It." +"I was thinking of going on an all almond diet","But that's just nuts" +"i just dad joked my boss Boss: You know, I don't usually like blackberries, but this one was good Me: Yeah me neither","I'm more of an iPhone guy, myself Commense groaning throughout the office" +"What did the Mexican say when the two houses fell on him","Hey, get off me homes" +"What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus","Claustrophobic" +"What did one nut say while chasing after another","I’m gonna cashew" +"I tried to eat a clock the other day","It was very time consuming" +"What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down","It gets toad" +"What is the tastiest bug in all of Europe","A french fly" +"I have a bad habit of crushing things in this machine","It's my vice" +"Why is peter pan always flying. Because he neverlands","&#x200B; I love this Joke because it never gets old" +"Why don't crabs give to charity","Because they're shellfish" +"Got my son this morning","Really happy to be a new dad!!!" +"My wife just texted me about a new mattress she found online for $600 off","I replied “Don’t you think we should sleep on it first?”" +"What jokes are allowed during quarantine","inside jokes :D" +"I tried chicken farming once It was a complete failure","I'm not sure if I buried them too deep or too close together" +"I can magically transform a car door","I opened it, and it became ajar" +"A mountain makes the best jokes","It's hill-areas" +"Why do ducks have feathers","To cover their butt quacks" +"Saying I'm sorry is the same as saying I apologize","Unless you're at a funeral" +"Why do sailors eat shellsfish when rain is forecasted","Its the clam before the storm" +"What does the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common","Icy Dead People" +"My poor friend recently became a baker","He really kneaded the dough" +"What do you call a broken can opener","A can’t opener" +"I work at Google. Ran into my dad when I was out and about with a friend. We sat down for a drink and conversation somehow turned to our respective work places. My friend says I work at Google and there. My dad interrupts him and legit goes Really. You work at Google. I Google at work. with this stupid grin on his face","I could hear loudly my friend's silent groan :)" +"What did the geologist say when he found a 69 pound metamorphic boulder","“Gneiss" +"How do you hold a Baroque flute","You Handel it carefully" +"Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair","Her stupidity knew no bonds" +"My wife is my oxygen tank","always on my back" +"Did you know the first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte","And then everything crashed" +"Me:1 - GF:0 Me having a phone conversation with my girlfriend while on my way home. >mad GF: I don't want to see you. >me: So don't look at me. >mad GF: *silence She wasn't laughing, but she forgot what she was mad about","Me: 1 - Gf:0" +"Why Does Stevie Wonder Only Write Songs In D#","(D Sharp) Because He Can't C Straight" +"Old McDonald shot a film","V-I-D-E-O" +"Oil falls below $50 a barrel Dad: We should sell the house and just store oil somewhere. Then again that'd be a rather crude way to live","He then began chuckling to himself for 5 minutes" +"Did you hear about the man who was crushed by a falling statue","He died of an art attack" +"I waited through all of 2016 just to post this","This" +"What do you call it when you lose a foot race","Defeet" +"I remember the first time I saw a universal remote","My first thought was well, this changes everything" +"A boy asked his dad who invested in bitcoin for “$10 worth of bitcoin” He said “$9. 67 what do you need $10","47 for”" +"Why couldn't anyone understand the little girl","She was miss communication" +"What do you call a cow that doesn't produce milk","An udder failure" +"The origami boxing match was showing the other night","Shame though as it was only on paper-view" +"How do you organize a party in space","Planet" +"Today I was eating a hot cross bun when I dropped it on my knee","Now I have a bunny" +"Dad jokes already. I'm a mom, but I make the cheesy jokes in my house. Well today, my 3 year old son got me back. I yawned and said, Whew, I'm sleepy. He replied with, Nice to meet ya sleepy, my name's Cayden","I see good things in his future" +"Why don't some couples go to the gym","Because some relationships don't workout" +"Stupid crackers. You'll never amount to anything. What are you, anyway. Flour, salt, and what. You're nothing. When my wife finally asked what I was doing, yelling at a bag of crackers, I explained that the recipe called for 30 crushed crackers. That happened 2 days ago","By coincidence, we had another recipe for dinner that required crushed crackers, and my wife made sure I understood that it meant physically, not verbally" +"Where does batman go to the bathroom","The batroom" +"When does a joke become a dad-joke","When it's apparent" +"My wife accused me of having an affair with someone from. Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch","I said 'How could you say such a thing?'." +"Last night my child dreamt that he was peeing in bed","Good news: Some dreams do come true" +"My friend started her finals a few days ago. She was complaining about the fact that her pens kept running out during the exam","You should have bought them without legs then" +"This may not be the place to post this but I’m heartbroken that my girl broke up with me due to her hallucinations","We’d be the only people in a room and she’d tell me that she’s seeing somebody else" +"Here's one in. English","One" +"What happens when you put Nutella on salmon","You get salmonella" +"What’s a kind of tree hat can fit in ur hand","A *palm tree* 😂😂" +"Why did Thing 1 and Thing 2 cancel their gym memberships","Things weren’t working out" +"Why did the warrior cut off the feet of his enemies","They were defeated" +"I was going to get a brain transplant","I changed my mind" +"Knock knock Who's there. Hug Hug who. Hug you","I made this up for my 3 year old son, he's 7 now and still loves it" +"Do you like General Tso's chicken","Generally, I think it's Tso Tso" +"Why are some people so surprised when I tell them I can jump higher than a skyscraper","Everyone knows skyscrapers can't jump" +"A dadjoke inside a dadjoke I said to a friend, Why do power outlets look so sad","Someone else replied Because they get the energy sucked out of them" +"What do you call a fat jack-o'-lantern","A plumpkin" +"Construction worker got me with a good one As I was walking along the sidewalk, a construction worker holding up a stop sign asked how I was doing. I said Good, you","and he replied I'm OUT-STANDING" +"I took my dog to the vet bcause she's always shaking and trembling","Turns out she has Barkinsons" +"I don't usually tell dad jokes","But when I do, he laughs" +"Riddle: How do you think the unthinkable","With an I-th-berg" +"Where do you learn to make ice cream","Sundae school" +"What did Tennessee","The same thing Arkansas" +"A fish was swimming fast but wasn't looking where it was going and then, WHAM, it ran into a wall","The fish looked at the wall and said, Dam" +"I don't know why people are making a big deal about Obama appearing between Two Ferns","I mean, Bill Clinton appeared between Two Bushes" +"Dad With the Save Ok, so we're walking into church, and there's a nativity set up on the soccer field. My mom asks why do they have a nativity set up in a soccer goal","And without missing a beat, he yells because Jesus saves" +"What’s blue and doesn’t weigh much","Light Blue" +"Classic Dad Vader. [Poor Luke. ](http://cdn. themetapicture. com/media/funny-Luke-Skywalker-Darth-Vader-joke","jpg)" +"What do dogs and trees share in common","Their bark" +"Why doesn't Oedipus cuss","Because he kisses his mother with that mouth" +"Why won't Carthage forgive Rome","Because he's still salty" +"So I fell off a 30ft ladder today","Lucky it was the first step" +"I applied to be a pilot. But","I couldn’t land the job" +"I can't tonight, what does the rest of your week look like. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. exactly the same as yours. (Just used that one on my friend","Yes, I'm a dad" +"Velcro","what a rip off" +"I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform","straightaway I knew he was a keeper" +"My love for you is like diarrhea","I can't hold it in" +"I got my girlfriend good. Could not have planned it better. On a walk I turned to my girlfriend and said, Did you know male snails are extremely territorial. Without missing a beat she asks, Really. How do they fight. They **slug it out","** ahaahahahaha" +"What is Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill. Walking","J K, rolling" +"I can't believe we still make pennies when it costs more than they're worth","It makes no cents" +"What does a squirrel wear on its feet","Cashews" +"My 5yo unknowingly dad joked me *talking to the Amazon echo* Me: Alexia play eminem Son: Alexa stop. Daddy tell it to play skittles Me: Do you mean skrillex","Son: No skittles Me: Buddy I don't know of a band called that Son: Then why is there a band called Eminem" +"What do a pirate and a millennial have in common","They greet friends with “yo ho" +"What is the cheapest meat","Deer balls cause they are under a buck" +"Can't tell right from wrong anymore","Stupid names for twins anyway" +"Did you hear about the disappearing hispanic. Uno. dos. POOF","He dissapeared without a Tres" +"What do you call pictures of cookies that make you laugh","snicker doodles" +"Just dropping a short note to all at r/dadjokes","Staccato" +"How come you never see elephants hiding in trees","Because they're really good at it" +"Got the Old Man himself today We just returned from vacation and my father walked toward me with a standard company info envelope from a business specializing in outdoor cooling. He mentioned that this was the company that had installed the massive pavilion fan at our church and was wondering why they'd be mailing him. To which I replied, You mean to tell me you don't appreciate fan mail","Laughter ensued" +"Why are people with no legs so offended by jokes","Because they cant stand it" +"What does the forest put in its house. Fir-nature. My 5 year old told this at dinner. Either she heard it somewhere or I need to enroll her in Comedy school","What's the verdict" +"What is it called when a ghost gets hurt","A Boo Boo" +"Why did the Russians have a hard time getting to Alaska","They couldn’t keep their bearings straight" +"Wanna hear 2 short jokes and 1 long one","Joke Joke Joooookkkkeeee" +"Dad joked my girlfriend I was sitting on the couch with my girlfriend when she smelled that our son had a stinky diaper. Can you get me a diaper. she asked. I don't think we have any that'll fit you. I said","My father would be proud" +"I was once kidnapped by mimes","They did unspeakable things" +"So this. Spanish guy stole my house. I asked him why he did it, he responded with","Casa can." +"What do you call a sad cup of coffee","Depresso" +"What do you call a kingdom ruled by grass","A lawnarchy" +"70% of people play with themselves in the shower do you know what the other 30% do","I didnt think so" +"I think I can repost this on my cakeday","this" +"I have this issue where. I keep drawing. Bilbo. Baggins on a soccer ball. I really need to kick the","Hobbit" +"Why did the toilet paper fail to cross the road","Cause it got stuck in a crack" +"Divorce lawyer: I’m sorry to say, but all of your husband’s assets are Frozen. Wife: How","Lawyer: I’m not sure, but he has 2000 DVDs of the movie for some reason" +"I always bring an extra pair of underwear when. I go golfing. Just incase","I get a hole in one." +"When a man tells you he can’t have kids","He’s not kidding." +"What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals","Phillippe Phillope" +"Why are The Sixth Sense and Titanic the same","Icy dead people" +"Got my cats nails clipped today","Really took the edge off" +"Why did the Russians lose the Olympics","They weren't Putin in enough practice time" +"I lost my voice. Dad:","Go find it" +"She swears like a sailor. Wife: “How much do sailors swear though. ” Me: “A Ship-Load. ”","one of my prouder dad-jokes" +"What do you call an insect mixed with a rabbit","Bugs bunny" +"Yo, dad, can I see that pamphlet","Brochure" +"What’s the difference between an elephant and a mattahunnie. What’s a mattahunnie","Nothing, I’m just tired" +"This guy got hit in the head with a soda can, but he was okay. Do you know why","Because it was a soft drink" +"My friend said it makes sense to buy 12 eggs","I replied “no it dozen" +"My old friend is doing bycicle tricks to cope with his depression","He is wheelie sad" +"What do you call a gay chickpea","A hummusexual" +"Cringe-worthy exchange between my father and I the other day Let me preface this with some info. Firstly, me and my father are idiots; our jokes can become insensitive if we aren't careful, as we have few filters. My parents live in a tiny town amidst a thousand other tiny towns. One of the tiny towns right beside us (let's call it Townsburg) has a lot of forest and extra land, so towards the end of the summer when it's still hot but the land is starting to dry out, it's rather susceptible to fires. The other day, Townsburg caught fire in a few different places. The town my parents live in (we'll call it Cityville) is the sausage capital of our state. Yep. Sausage capital. Like brisket and such. Our proudest export is meat. *Meat is what we are most proud of. * I don't live there anymore, thank the universe. So I went by my parents house on the way home from work one day to check on my retired, sick father, and watch the news with him (something I try to do whenever I can). And what happened next, well, it all just happened so fast. Me: Whoa, Townsburg is on fire again. I guess Cityville isn't the barbecue capital anymore, AYO. Dad: Nope. Looks like they're about to be the **barbecued** capital. Me:","we may need to stop hanging out so much" +"One of. My. Dad's. Favorites","Whenever we're trying to find a space in a crowded parking lot, he'll exclaim, I'd give my left leg for one of those handicap stickers!" +"I like to hang out with mushrooms","They are funguys" +"What's a Russian Emperor's favorite pizza topping","Tsardines" +"The importance of scales. My mom's boyfriend and I were talking about weighing the new kittens and I walked into a joke. Him: Put her on the weighing scale. Me: What do scales do besides weighing things. Him: Protect lizards and snakes. Me:","Him: And make fish pretty" +"TIL A recent study concluded that humans eat more bananas than monkeys","I don't remember the last time I ate a monkey" +"When you put on pants","Make sure you do the Right leg first so after you only have one Left to put on" +"Who is the most 'online' prime minister","Benjamin 'Net and Yahoo" +"My dad was telling me how much he hated elevators","He told me he always took steps to avoid them" +"This guy wearing a Kings Jersey was trampled to death by sheep","He was a died in the wool hockey fan" +"Optician: Would you like to go choose some frames. Me: Actually, there's a pair I've had my eye on already","(This actually happened, and she laughed" +"Why does he have to be such a dad. Relevant information: I got done with my choir concert that my dad couldn't attend. Dad asked, How did the concert go. My reply was, Short and sweet","and he said, I said the concert, not your girlfriend" +"A dad walks into his son's room. Dad: What are you drinking. Son: Soy milk. Dad: ¡Hola Milk","¡Yo soy tu padre" +"GUESS WHAT I AM DOING","Capitalising" +"Did you know the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France","They were cooked in Greece" +"There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down, he sneered at me","I thought, well that's a little condescending" +"Where should you go in a room if you’re feeling cold","The corner – they’re usually 90 degrees" +"What was Mozart doing in the graveyard","De-composing" +"Why did Simba's Dad in The Lion King die","because he couldn't Mu fasta" +"I wouldn’t recommend eating. Donkey","It tastes like ass" +"My friend started making art out of marijuana","It’s pretty dope" +"I'd been thinking about buying a couple of cattle to put in my fathers farm. I asked my wife if she'd be on with receiving a cow for our wedding anniversary. She said she would be moooov'd. I just got dad joked by my wife",":)" +"If a priest blesses an avocado","Would it be a holy guacamole?" +"Where did Captain Hook get his hook","The second hand store" +"How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad","A frog says, Ribbit, ribbit and a horny toad says, Rub it, rub it" +"I got my wife today While checking on the chicken in the oven, my wife asks me, Why are you using a cheese knife to cut the chicken","I tell her, I thought it was Gouda-nough She hasn't talked to me in 10 minutes, plz send help Reddit" +"My wife and I have decided never to talk again about my addiction to aviation puns","It’s a soar subject" +"Don’t mess with fat people","They have enough on their plates already" +"What is Whitney Houston's favourite kind of coordination","HAND-EEEEEEEEEYEEEEEEEEE" +"How much does it cost to watch Harry Potter play his favourite sport. A [quid](http://www. urbandictionary. com/define. php","term=quid) each" +"Punctuation is everything: Will you marry me is a marriage proposal Will, you,. Mary,. Me = a. Foursome","Inquiry" +"No joke","I am dad serious" +"Doctor:. I'm sorry, but. I had to remove your colon","Me why?" +"30 years of fatherhood and I think this is his finest dadjoke I'm getting my lunch ready this morning before I leave for work and as I'm pouring it into a plastic container, I ask my mum what type it is","It's potato and leek she replies So if it spills everywhere, you know why Cue groans and slapping of foreheads from mum and I" +"What do you call 20 cents sliding across a table","A paradigm shift" +"If. I was to go into edible fashion design. I'd call my company The. Smell . Our ad campaign would be Can you rock what. The","Smell is cooking?" +"Why is Dark spelled with a K, and not a C","Because you can't C in the dark" +"Spellcheck was invented by","The Professors at Hogwarts" +"I've been driving my car with the same factory equipment for 40 years","And while I held out as long as I could, I just had to retire" +"My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction","So I packed up my stuff and right" +"Dad About the movie Gravity Gravity was pretty good","I felt glued to the floor the entire time" +"Watching the movie Gravity I am a teacher. My students were watching the movie Gravity. At the end, they were complaining about how bad it was (in terms of the Physics), so I said, You're right","Gravity just doesn't hold the same weight that it used to" +"They told me. I had type. A blood. But it was a type","O" +"Armenian riddles are all basically dad jokes What is green, hanging on a wall and squealing. Answer: A herring. Why is the herring green. Well, it's my herring, I painted it as I pleased. But why is it hanging on the wall. It's my herring, I can hang it anywhere I wish. But why is the herring squealing. I added squealing to make it harder to solve my riddle. http://talkreason. org/marperak/jokes/armenrad","htm" +"I really don’t like tiny windmills","Not a big fan" +"Have you heard the joke about the jumping rope","Oh, guess I'll skip it" +"A man walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender, and asks her to make him a giraffe","Taken aback, she replied, Well, that's a tall order" +"My brother took being sent to jail really badly. He refused to eat or drink, spat & swore at anyone who came near him & smeared faeces on the walls","We never played Monopoly again after that" +"“Hey what are you watching, home alone. ” “No","Love, actually”" +"What happens when N's go to bed","They make Z's" +"Language doesn't matter in the art of dad joke My first language is Arabic. This conversation happened in Arabic with my dad. So I was telling my dad that I got an A in one of my courses and he asked me what course. I wrote it as math but in Arabic letters and I didn't use the Arabic word for it. And in Arabic the word math sounds a lot like the word for died","Me: math Dad: my condolences" +"I let my wife borrow a loaf of sweet. Jewish bread, but she never returned it","Cause she ain't no challah back girl." +"2 fish are in a tank","One turns to the other and says how the fuck do you drive this thing?" +"My wife said, You act like a detective too much. I want to split up. Good idea. I replied","We can cover more ground that way" +"There are three kinds of people in this world","Those who are good at math, and those who aren’t" +"What do you call a snail wearing eye makeup","Mascargot" +"Termites hate the music of Queen","But they love Styx" +"Why shouldn't you have phone sex","You could get hearing aids" +"I sat on a piece of glass yesterday","It was a pane in the butt" +"Why did the Walrus go to a Tupperware party","He was looking for a tight seal" +"Walked in to my boss's office today. Me: Hey boss man. Why did the business man decide to not buy a wig. Him: uh I don't know. Me: He didn't want toupee for it. Him: This is your last day here. It was good while it lasted","Bonus points, my boss is bald" +"Dad- It's really hot out today . Me- yeah my car said 98","Dad- you're not supposed to drive that fast" +"My 12 year old, after getting back from California: 12 y/o: we saw Will Smith at a coffee shop. Me: Woah, that’s awesome. Her: guess what he was drinking Me: what","Her: French Press of Bel-Air" +"How much room does fungi need to grow","As mushroom as possible" +"Knock-knock / Who’s There. / Europe Europe who","No, YOU’RE a POO" +"I think I want to quit my real estate job. I’d rather clean mirrors for a living","It’s just something I can see myself doing" +"I just accepted a job offer at a dairy company My dad sent me 3 texts It appears that you are mooooooving on. I hope you milk all you can out of this experience","Cow are you feeling about this job change" +"“Dad, how do stars die","” “Usually an overdose" +"I absolutely support any scientist who is trying to create a complete invisibility cloak","I just want to make myself clear" +"NASA just launched a bunch of cows into orbit","apparently it was the herd shot 'round the world" +"Gave a woman a drink of my lemonade in the bar last night and she completely fell in love with me","I schwepped her right off her feet" +"I dropped an olive on the floor","oh well Olive" +"Why are fish so easy to weigh","Because they have their own scales" +"He threw his life down the gutter","It was a sewer-slide" +"I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night","It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt" +"I stole a guy's pet doe","I had to commandeer it" +"I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare. But he chewed it a lot","Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B" +"After a year, I think I'm worthy. My 11 month old son picks up a small rock from outside and puts it in his mouth. GF: what did he just shove in his mouth. Me : (as im pulling it out) don't worry, it's just the capital of Arkansas but I got it","GF: face palm" +"What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter","An irrelephant" +"Killed it at dinner last night with this one. *After somewhat making a fool of myself while out for dinner > My mum: There's so many ways you can take the piss outta Ben. > Me: Yeah, like with a Catheter","Giggles and groans ensue" +"What happened when Moses walked through an Orchestra","The parting of the reed sea" +"Dadjoked at a fancy restaurant. My family went to a fancy Italian restaurant for Mother's Day. Our waiter told us a bit about the place: All of our food is fresh, never frozen. We don't even have a microwave. It's all cooked fresh here","When the waiter left, my dad said, If they can't even afford a microwave, I'll go out and get one for them" +"How do trees access the internet","They log in" +"The inventor of velcro died today","RIP" +"Knock knock Who’s there","Grandma STOP THE FUNERAL" +"What do you call a dead person making ice cream. Ice cremation","I'm so sorry" +"Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive","I think that's bananas" +"My friend was telling me about a wedding he'll be attending soon Him: I'll be wearing the same kilt as the groom. Me: Really","How are you both going too fit in there" +"What do you call an OK car in France","A D'accord" +"I don’t often tell dad jokes. But when","I do, he laughs" +"So my friend broke his mouse earlier today. His Dad: Huh. Mice are too fragile. I should've gotten a rat instead. Friend: . Friend's Mother:","Me:" +"Good morning. Hey how've you been. Haven't seen you since last month. (First day of the month, every month. ) Dad never seemed to realize that a month isn't long enough for this one to get fresh and new again","He usually started the day before, by reminding everyone, Well, I won't see you until next month, so you take care, now" +"Someone offered me a free trip to Egypt if I get five people under me to also signup","I hate pyramid schemes" +"Did you hear the one about the dyslexic zombie","He only eats Brians" +"Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn't change colors","Turns out he had a reptile dysfunction" +"I saw my ex girlfriend across the museum hall, but I felt too self conscious to go say hello","There was just too much history between us" +"What is an archeologist","Someone who’s career is in ruins" +"I wanted to tell you my chemistry joke","but I was afraid that I'd get the wrong reaction" +"Why should you serve corn at a Labyrinth-themed party","Because it's maize" +"name your dog. Christopher. When you take them for a walk, you’ll be. Christopher","Walken." +"Dad Joke - Ultimate Backfire For as long I can think of, anytime I would take my family out for supper at a restaurant, when our server would bring us the check I would in my best calm and collected demeanor advise our server Oh table #. said they were picking this up for us tonight , to which most servers just give a ya right smile or a simple haha nice try sir. Well on this most recent adventure I see the check coming and get all primed and plot it all out. The server politely slides the check to me, I so graciously put my hand on it and slide it back with my recited lines delivered so perfectly Oh yes I should have told you sooner that table 16 has offered to pick up the check tonight . Well our server burst out laughing, which to us was a surprise as its not as hilarious as she is now making it. Well when she finally stops laughing enough to talk, she so wonderfully delivers the message, thats good to know sir - cause your sitting at table 16. Jokes on me. But it made for a great night of laugh at dad. Edit - demeanor - where the frick was auto correct on that one","thx Enders" +"What do you call shoes covered in dollar bills","Cashews" +"Not a joke but here's some sage advice my dad gave me on women. If a woman is beautiful, tell her she's smart. If a woman is smart tell her she's beautiful","If she's neither tell her she lost weight" +"Just tried to haggle a cheap telephoto lens from my local camera shop","But they saw me coming a mile away" +"I was on a date with a girl from Africa, we spent the whole night talking in her native language. We just clicked","-- Jimmy Carr" +"I tried wild ox milk. Turns out","I'm yak-tose intolerant" +"What's the cheapest type of meat. Deer balls, they're under a buck. My dad just told me this",":|" +"People often say to me after rearranging my garden in alphabetical order, how did I find the time","I said it is there next to the sage" +"What is the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo","A hippo is really heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter" +"It's not that hard to tell an alligator and a crocodile apart","One will see you later and the other will see you in a while" +"I have a pen that can write underwater","It can write other words too" +"Why did the killer whale get in trouble for hitting the baby dolphin","because he did it on porpoise" +"What do The Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common","Icy dead people" +"Got my girlfriend good My girlfriend and I were eating dinner, and she was talking about her coworkers. She was listing them and she said, There's George, and two Carolinas. I immediately replied, North and South","She rolled her eyes and groaned while I beamed happily" +"a different kind of dad joke","I watched a man drop his keys this morning, and after groaning as he bent down to pick them up he said to me, You know, they should really start making these floors a little higher." +"What's a group of squids called","A squad" +"My dad will be a tough act to follow. Texted my dad a day or two after my son was born. Told him the circumcision was tough to be at. Poor guy","My dad's response: Hope he left a tip" +"What do you call a can opener that doesn't work","A cant opener" +"What happens when you step on a grape","It just lets out a little wine" +"I taught my daughter what bargain meant","She said: Thanks dad, that means a great deal" +"I wonder if","I wonder if prison guards use proactiv to prevent breakouts" +"Somebody kidnapped a Sister from our local convent because there was no security. No fence","Nun taken" +"What is the biggest plus in living in Switzerland","The flag" +"I killed someone while splitting wood today","Im getting off though, they deemed it an axe-ident" +"Serendipitous dadjoke sticker on a box My daughter was straightening up a pile of stuff in the kitchen, and picked up a small blue empty decorative box. What's this. she asked. Ever the dad, of course I answered, It's a box. She rolled her eyes and said, No, Dad, what's it *from*. But it didn't end there. She handed the box to me and I started speculating that it looked about the size of box for a watch. Then Mom said she thought it was from a necklace I had given her for Mother's Day. Just to be clear, Mom had sent me an e-mail hint in the form of a link to order the necklace, so being a dutiful hubby, I ordered it. She caught the package in the mail as soon as it arrived and opened it right away, several days before Mother's Day. So I had never even seen the box. No wonder I couldn't identify it. Just saying. Meanwhile I was turning the box over in my hand and noticed a little gold sticker on a corner of the box. I handed the box back to my daughter and said, Here, read the sticker. She took the box back and looked at the sticker. It said, BOX, Made in China. I said, See. I was right","She threw the box at me" +"There’s a new mirror factory in town","I can see myself working there" +"Why'd the beatle cross the road","For the album cover" +"What do you call the hidden meaning behind Lion King","Simba-lism" +"George Takei posted this one. the husband will be a great Dad. 911 Operator: what's your emergency. Caller: My wife is going into labor, I don't know what to do. Operator: Is this her first born","Caller: No, this is her husband" +"I hate that microorganisms just enter my body without permission","It makes me sick" +"What do you call a small dog who tries to eavesdrop on you","A Chihuawei" +"The proper response to all dad jokes http://imgur","com/BbgL7x3" +"All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep","Every time they see me they say “Ew”" +"An old woman at the ATM asked if I could help her check her balance","I pushed her and she fell over" +"My wife doesn’t think. I can install knobs on our cabinets. But","I can handle it" +"Dad watched Thor for the first time. Actually called me mid-movie to make a funny. What did Thor miss the most when he was sent to prison","Assgaurd" +"My friend is a robot hunter","He loves to captcha them" +"What do you call a nonbeliever who's having gay sex with a Cuban dictator","Infidel" +"You look good in that shirt","Actually, this shirt doesn't affect my eyesight at all" +"How do you like your air","I like my airplane" +"Her day in a nutshell I really couldn't stop myself. http://imgur","com/a/hW1pg" +"Why did the woman felt uncomfortable whilst sewing","Because she seamstressed" +"Why did the man bring toilet paper to the party","Because he was a party pooper" +"How does it feel to have the best son in the world","I don't know, ask your grandfather" +"What do British spies use to prevent athlete's foot. Bond","Gold Bond" +"I fell into a cactus","I'm making sure to pay attention more sharply next time" +"Did you hear about that magic tractor","It was driving on the road and it turned into a field" +"What's a panda's favourite Halloween candy","Bam-BOO" +"What kind of insect is bad at football","A fumble-bee" +"Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud","Waiter: But it was ground this morning" +"What do sprinters eat before races","Nothing, they fast" +"What hairdryer brand do antivax moms prefer","Dyson" +"I'm a big fan of the one night stand","Two just make my bedroom look cluttered" +"Just dad making fun of me Dad: Hey, come pick me up from work. Me: I'm busy. Dad: With what","Me: With a girl (I wasn't) Dad: Ok, so you'll come in 15 minutes then" +"As. I turned up to the funeral in a donkey costume, that's when. I realised","I've made an ass of myself" +"What computer can sing Hello","A dell" +"What is a robots favorite kind of music","Heavy Metal Courtesy of my daughters robot dinosaur toy" +"I'm not convinced you're French. can you taste fine wine","Corsican" +"I am going to name my first born. Mark. So after. I die,. I'll have left my","Mark on this world." +"While at a new restaurant with my Wife Me: How is your Pasta. Her: They put way too much thyme in it. It's overpowering everything else","Me: I guess they have bad thyme management then" +"I got arrested for getting a blowjob in a bar the other night","But it's ok, I got off" +"I've been trying to say mucho more often when talking to my Hispanic friends","It means a lot to them" +"My wife accused me of splitting hairs during an argument It's only because I don't use conditioner","She pushed me out of the bed" +"After watching Netflix's Super Monsters, my 4-yr old daughter asked me: Where does Lobo (the werewolf) live. Me: I don't know, baby. the monster house. Her: No. That's wrong. Me: A wolf den. Her: No. You're wrong, daddy. He and his dad lives (sic. ) in a werehouse. &#x200B; Gotta say, I annoyingly fell for that one","&#x200B; &#x200B;" +"My sister's boyfriend is going to the Naval Academy in the Fall","He was telling us all how nervous he was that he wouldn't fit in there, and my dad says, don't worry, everyone there will be in the same boat" +"My dad, sitting in one of those office chairs that spins, back turned to me, says I'm anti vax Pause for drama, spins and looks at me, ectomy","🙄" +"What's an appropriate sound effect for a dad joke about wheat","Durum roll" +"What did the fish say when it hit a wall","Dam" +"Why can't two even numbers be together","Because the odds are against them" +"All wine lovers start with drinking port wine","It's a gateway wine" +"I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up… Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands: Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it. Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table","Call when it is safe for me to come home" +"Remember when Garfield redesigned one of its characters, and we all had to get used to it","It was the new Nermal" +"So, I've been working on my own rendition of 50 Shades of Gray. Can I get some feedback. [It's the dad edition. ](http://www. premierlampshades. uk/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/50-Shades-of-Grey1-1024x513","jpg)" +"What does the Priest say at the Organic church","Lettuce Pray" +"6 out of 7 dwarves","Are not Happy" +"I have a midget who works for me","We don't always see eye to eye" +"6 year old kid looking at Mom's ID card. Sex: F He laughs. Mom: Whats so funny. Kid: I can't believe you're so bad in sex that you failed in it","Husband died laughing" +"I dadjoked my GF at 50 Shades of Grey. We were both in a giddy mood because of how bad the movie was. It was more comical than anything else. This was the highlight of the night. Christian Grey: What are you doing for breakfast tomorrow. I lean over and whisper to my gf: Eating breakfast smh","Hated the movie, but felt super proud of myself" +"I don't like going to funerals","I'm not a mourning person" +"What did Salvidor Dali have for breakfast","A bowl of surreal" +"Did you hear about the unscrupulous mushroom hunter","He had no morels" +"I once met an astronaut who was claustrophobic","Turns out he just needed a little space" +"Why should you keep your kids from listening to full orchestra music","Too much sax and violins" +"What's the difference between a velodrome and a palindrome. For one, you have to use a bicycle","For the other, you can use a race car" +"My Brother comes to breakfast and I tell him that he looks exhausted","He says yeah I dreamt I was a muffler again" +"What do a dwarf and a midget have in common","Very little" +"My girlfriend's dad got me while watching the Pan Am games. Me: Where exactly is Uruguay","Him: Next to My-uguay * Groaning *" +"9 out of 10 moms prefer NASA brand spaghetti sauce","for its richer meteor flavor" +"I won a fight today, it was 1v5","Man we creamed that guy!" +"What will the Secret Service shout if someone tries to shoot Trump","Donald, duck" +"Why should you never trust an atom","It makes up everything" +"My Dad just walked into my room and said this. I'm still groaning. He brought me an apple he cut up and put on a plate. I said thanks and reached for it. and he instead put it on this weird ledge that sticks out next to my door. Hey, have a snack","it's on the house" +"Never tell a secret in a cornfield","Too many ears around" +"Why did Adele cross the road","Because she wanted to say hello from the other side" +"What is green and sings","Elvis Parsley" +"I like my coffee like I like my women","Without a penis" +"This is a mom joke technically","I asked my mom that she is bad at jokes, then she said she made me (true story it happened in Wendy’s)" +"[Mild SPOILERS] Nice to see Arya Stark FINALLY get involved in the war","She really jumped into the Frey" +"What did the boy candle say to the girl candle","Will you go out with me" +"What would Michael Jackson’s pronouns be","He/Hee" +"how does a square become a cube","well first, they have to get an edge-ucation" +"Why can't you call Koalas as Koala Bears. Because that does not koalafy as a proper name anymore","It's not a beary good one either" +"Son: Dad, can you take my temperature","Dad: Nah, you keep it" +"I was walking down the street yesterday when I saw someone pickpocket a dwarf","I don't know how anyone could stoop so low" +"Why did the frog drowned itself","It wanted to Kermit suicide" +"I made a song named Fish Out of Water","Too bad it flopped" +"Why. Cant. You. Hear. A. Pterodactyl. Go to. The. Bathroom","Because its dead." +"How do you kill a ghost using liquor that has been frozen in the shape of an icicle","Spear it" +"I was attacked by a group of mimes","They did unspeakable things!" +"Son: What's upstairs","Dad: Stairs don't talk" +"Conjunctivitis","com Now that’s a site for sore eyes" +"Why was the man who hit Dwayne Johnson’s ass clinically depressed","He hit rock bottom" +"Long story about a tragedy that once happened to me. A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the porch out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries. Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could. In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go","Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe" +"Got dad joked by my 16 year old while driving Driving yesterday when a rabbit ran across the highway. I joking said to my wife, I almost ruined Easter, I almost ran over the Easter Bunny. My 16 year old chimed in","nah dad you missed it by a hare" +"What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones","Anything you'd like, it can't hear you" +"How does NASA throw a party","They planet" +"At work we have a printer we've nicknamed. Bob. Marley","This is due to the fact that it's always jammin'" +"Just got off the phone with my dad Just got off the phone with my dad after hearing this What do you call a fish with 10 eyes","Fiiiiiiiiiish" +"A 3 year old Dad-Joked me awhile ago. I was watching a friends 3 year old and I ask him if he likes vegetables. He says, No, I like chocolate. I tell him, Chocolate comes from a vegetable","He says, No, chocolate comes for dessert" +"You know how a communist points a location at a map","He marx it" +"A blind man walks into a bar","and a table, and a chair, other people, etc" +"When seeing Wales for the first time, how should you plan your holiday","Caerphilly" +"Why didn't dinosaurs like eggs. Because their eggs stinked. (My 9yo daughter made that one up today","I'm doing something right" +"I boiled a funny bone today","Turned into a laughing stock" +"My I","co-worker got new shoes He rebooted himself" +"My Friend asked me if I wanted to hear an interesting metaphor","I told him ‘metaphors are shit’" +"Dadjoked my son My two-year-old son got into my toolbox and started playing with one of my screwdrivers: You don't play with this","If you trip and fall on it, you'll be screwed" +"Trainspotting A little background is needed for this joke. My friend lives in a house that is right beside a busy railway and it was his Dad who came out with this zinger. My friend was leaving the house one Friday evening. His father asked him where he was going. My friend told him he was going to the cinema to see Trainspotting 2","His dad then replied Why would you pay to go and see trainspotting in the cinema when you can stay at home and look out the back window" +"Did you guys hear the sad news about the Calzone business","It folded" +"What are the requirements to work in marine biology","Your grades need to be above C-level" +"Dadjokes just hit 200K Which is about -73°C (~ -99°F)","That is pretty cool" +"What did the burger say to the bun","I'll meet you in the middle" +"Helping dad find a new smartphone Dad: Will there be any German names and numbers on it. Me: What. It's Chinese","Dad: I want it to be Hans Free" +"Dad Joked my cousin's girlfriend last night My cousin's girlfriend (CGF) is a primary school teacher and last night we were discussing her class size and the subjects she teaches. Me: How big are the classes you teach CGF: ive got 28 in english and maths, 30 in science and 28 in topics Me: What on earth is topics. CGF: oh its stuff like history, R. S, Art, Geography and all that stuff Me (With the biggest grin on my face holding back laughter): OH, THE HUMANITIES my girlfreind and CGF groan, me and cousin laugh and high five. Sidenote","My couisn is one of the biggest dad jokers ive ever met, so he really apreciated the terrible joke" +"I told my girlfriend that she had drawn her eyebrows wrong","She looked surprised" +"Recently. I spent all night thinking about the sun","And then it dawned on me" +"To make extra money, my university professor makes all his students buy his book at the beginning of the term","It’s textbook Economics" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When the punchline becomes apparent" +"What do you call a millenial who eats potato chips","A Chipster" +"Deer nuts are cheap","They're only under a buck" +"What did the desk fan think of the ceiling fan","It wasn't a big fan" +"Who does a pharaoh speak to when he's sad","His mummy" +"What’s Forrest Gump’s wifi password","1forrest1" +"Why don’t gymnasts use towels","Cause they tumble dry" +"You can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water. If it sinks = girl ant","If it floats = buoyant" +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon","Delicious food, no atmosphere" +"Came across this web-comic that was too good not to share. [That punchline tho](http://www. smbc-comics. com/index. php","id=3959)" +"My 2 and a half year old son Dad Joked me. His own Father. Son: (says word that sounds an awful lot like f*ck, but it's garbled so it's hard to understand) Me: What did you just say. Son: (repeats garbled word) Me: Where did you hear that word. Son: My mouth","*points to mouth*" +"I’m never going to the farmers market again","The “fresh” strawberries I bought last month have mold on them" +"During lunch, Emma asked Ron “How do you think about vegans","” “I have no beef with them”, Ron replied" +"I thought. I liked kimchi. But, it turns out,","I'm not that cultured." +"I don't mind to drill a hole","It's just a little boring" +"How often do I like jokes about chemistry","Periodically" +"Courtesy of a guy. I work with","Can't wait to get off work, go home, get something to eat, and play with the box my kids came in." +"This lawyer from India kept telling everyone about his flatbread","he must have signed a Naan disclosure agreement" +"So the morgue nearby claims to have the best facilities to take care of corpses after they're dead","They must be right, as everybody is dying to get there" +"Last week, a freshman secret service officer stopped an assassination attempt on the president of the United States by screaming “Mickey Mouse”. When his superior congratulated him for the arrest, he asked “Why did you scream Mickey Mouse","” And the secret serviceman said “I was trying to say Donald Duck" +"I'm going to Baghdad for my birthday","He won't like it" +"I wanted to impress my friends, so I learned how to improve my guitar skills","It was A Major task but I can only C Minor improvement" +"My friend gave his kids old fashioned names. The little boy is called Hunter","The little girl is Gatherer" +"My girlfriend said That poor toilet Yeah","it's seen some shit" +"I went for an interview. They said, “Can you perform under pressure","” I said “I’m not sure about that but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsody”" +"I just watched a program about beavers","It was the best dam program I've ever seen" +"I took my daughter down to the park this morning to feed the ducks","The ungrateful birds spat her out" +"Your nose runs and your feet smell","You must be upside down" +"I got talking to a. North. African girl in her native language for hours the other day","We just clicked" +"I think he's ready We were grocery shopping and we're in the canned bean aisle: Me: do you see any chilly beans. Him: No. they all look pretty warm to me. I think it's finally time even if he keeps denying it","He's ready" +"This is one of my step-dad's favorites, even if a bit old Did you know Netscape and Yahoo merged","Yup, their new name is Netanyahu" +"Dad: that's why you'll never see organic apples, they look too unappealing . Me: well apples don't need to look good, it's bananas that you need to be a-peeling","He was so proud." +"Just got dad joked by the wife for a change. What do you call a bear with no teeth","A gummy bear" +"This is not a drill. I repeat, this is NOT a drill. http://imgur","com/at7wOYq" +"My wife said her lady parts Ph is off. Her: It should be more acidic but now it's more alkaline. Me: so does that make you a","basic bitch" +"As an introverted entrepreneur in the coal industry","I mined my own business" +"I misunderstood the purpose of the colour conference","It was a red hearring, so I blue myself for nothing" +"My girlfriend was talking about her work. Girlfriend: So I walked in on Thursday. Me: Who's Thursday. Eye roll","End scene" +"New Religion I was taking my daughter and her friend to get a snack and they started talking about starting a new religion where everyone worshipped food","I said, If a part of your congrgation breaks away to only worship the sweet foods, would you call them desserters" +"What do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is","A widow" +"I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games. I stopped him and said, Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace","He considered that for a moment before replying, Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States" +"Did you hear about the couple who exchanged wedding vows while running a race","It was a real marrython" +"For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” they ever met","I can’t tell you how much this means to me" +"You know why scuba divers fall into the water backwards","If they fell over forwards, they'd fall back into the boat" +"(NSFW)While my gf and I were watching the walking dead finale tonight,. It got to the part of the episode with the new crazy w guys. When they were leading the zombies back into the trailer using music and lights: Me: I guess zombies love the disco. Gf: I guess. (already getting that unimpressed look) Me: I bet their favorite song is Staying Alive . Gf: (now displaying the You're lucky I still fuck you. * look",") *reference roommate" +"A horse walks into a bar","The bartender said “Hey”, then the horse “you read my mind buddy" +"How do they clean the international space station","They use a vacuum cleaner" +"What my dad just told me Man. I'm hungry,. I haven't eaten. ALL","YEAR." +"What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the middle of the sea","Bob" +"How did Luke get around planet Endor when he crashed his speeder","Ewoked" +"If you can see the box scores before the game even starts. You must have ESP-N","( ಠ ͜ʖಠ)" +"I've never particularly liked those Russian nesting dolls","They're so full of themselves" +"NO FIREWORKS On the way into a camp that my family goes to every year, there is a check in area and there has always been a sign up that says NO FIREWORKS . My uncle asked the man who was working the check in area no fireworks. still. you guys are always out of fireworks","can you give me a call when you get your next shipment in" +"I had a funeral for my pet rocks","It was a crushing experience" +"Where does a General keep his Armies","In his Sleevies" +"To all those first time mothers today. Happy. Labor","Day!" +"Trouble opening a jar of jelly. So my 11 year old daughter was having trouble opening a jar of grape jelly and asked for my help. I took it and got it open after a bit of a struggle, and said. Wow, that lid was really JAMMED on there","I got a world class eye roll out of her" +"My dad was copying files from my computer He needed some of the files, and when the copying was done, he just pulled the drive out, no safe remove or anything. So I told him No safe remove. and then he replied I *did* safely remove it. I pulled it out *slowly*","Ugh" +"Eyebrows My mom told my dad that I had plucked her eyebrows today","He turns to me and immediately says, Motherplucker" +"What did the gold digger say to the rich entrepreneur","I just want your company" +"Fraudsters are convincing the public that deep frying a £5 will turn it into £50","Several victims have already frittered away their savings." +"My son is in clown college and he sent me a letter about how much he appreciates me,. I thought it was a very kind","Jester." +"Dad bought me some new mouthwash. Don't drink it, it's alcohol-free","welp thanks for the tip, wise guy" +"Did you hear about the English teacher that was rightfully convicted","He got the full sentence" +"Why was the magicians bicep sticky","He had a couple of Twix up his sleeve" +"Math My daughter was telling me about how much she enjoyed the latest topic in her math class: probability","Me: What are the odds" +"I went to the doctor the other day. I said Doctor it hurts in two places","He said Well then don't go to those two places" +"Invited my dad to play video games with me. He puts the controller up to the side of his head. What are you doing, dad","I'm playing it by ear" +"A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad","He thought the manager said “seize her salad”" +"Son, if you decide to call a psychic to talk to me after I die","and you're going Oh my gosh, I'm so overwhelmed, and the psychic *doesn't* say Hi, So Overwhelmed, I'm dead, demand your money back" +"Dad joked my girlfriend during the. Olympics. After watching the luge event where. Erin. Hamlin won bronze for. America. Host: it was a big night for luger. Erin. Hamlin winning the first medal ever for. America. Me: that's not nice calling her a luger for coming in 3rd place","Girlfriend: facepalm" +"I had a dream that I was a muffler last night","I woke up exhausted" +"What do you call a gay female spy","Lesbionage" +"Height. Wanted to give a big shout out today to. my legs","Without you legs, I feel like I'd be at least two feet shorter" +"I Got My Son While Driving My son and I were driving through a construction zone. The air contained the strong smell of the tar they were laying down. I said, You know how a tectonic fault is a big crack between two tectonic plates. Yeah, he said, a quizzical look on his face. Does that make your butt-crack an asphalt. Groan, followed by a facepalm",":)" +"My wife told me to stop making references to. Bruce. Willis films. I told her, “Sorry babe, old habits *Die","Hard*.”" +"Why did the cows keep returning to the weed field","It was the pot calling the cattle back" +"Did you know that centipedes can move up to 100 feet per second","You could do that too if you had 100 feet" +"Old shoes I have about 6 pairs of shoes in total (including dress shoes and flip flops). My fiancee absolutely hates my old flip flops and old adidas samba, and conversely I love those two in particular. She has, on more than one occasion, threatened to junk them, to which I replied that she would become single. Yesterday, our golden retriever puppy found and made short work of my flops and one adidas. My fiancee watched as I sadly marched the two pairs to the bin, but she didn't know the amount of dad she was about to face","I dropped them in the bin, looked up at her, and said well, they had a good run" +"I dirty dad joked my friend today. We were talking about our plans for the night. Me: We should have the girls over tonight. Him: Foursome","Me: Force 'em to do what" +"Read a news headline about a newly uncovered warm-blooded fish. Mention it to my roommate and he is asking me details about the article which I havn't read yet","I respond: I don't know, I'm not a fishionado" +"Have you noticed that there aren’t too many banks left","with the word ‘Trust’ in their name" +"I was pretty mad when a bird pooped all over my. Honda right after. I washed it. But. I guess it was only doing its","Civic doody." +"What are Care Bear Stares made of","Hugs Boson Particles" +"Dad asked me to get a Mother's Day card that he'd find funny http://imgur","com/QN9AElv,bwZknVk" +"What do you call a teacher who doesn’t fart in public","A private tutor" +"Whiteboards are remarkable","Sent this to a girl I'm dating, still haven't heard back yet" +"Just got my son","He was over at his friend's place, I had to pick him up" +"I normally trust Benjamin Franklin’s judgement on most issues","He’s usually on the money" +"Iron Deficiency gang rise up","But not too fast" +"I hate tacos","Said no Juan ever" +"There was a fire at the grocery store I work at last week","We now offer a wide selection of smoked goods" +"Dad dropped this gem yesterday discussing plans for the holidays. Me: How would you feel about a holiday cruise. Dad: That sounds good, we can start at Christmas Island and go to Easter Island","Me: (shakes head)" +"Why do foot fetishists like losing","They like defeat" +"Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears","His right ear, his left ear, and his wild front ear" +"Q: Why don’t people starve in the desert","A: Because you can eat the sand which is there" +"Im reading a book about anti gravity","It’s was impossible to put down" +"What was the drunk man's favorite book","Tequila Mockingbird" +"Why do cows wear bells","Cause their horns don't work" +"Did you hear about the chicken assassin guild","Not much is known, it's all cluck and dagger" +"I had a dream last night that I was hiding from a serial killer in a little room while camping","It was in tents" +"What happened to Wendy","The Baconator" +"Got Dadburned. **Scene:** Halloween night (this is key), I am donned in normal garb (this is even keyer), and am approaching the front door to my parents house. Me: *knocks on door* Dad: *opens door* Dad: You dressed as a loser","Me: :( **End Scene" +"Why do people hate vacuum jokes","Because they suck" +"Got double dad joked at a buffet. I was standing in line when I had to sneeze. I sneezed 3 times when an old man came up to me with his wife and said She thinks you sneezing is funny, but it's snot. Then he said to his wife He's just trying to make the tissue dance, he put a boogy in it. As a bonus, while I was laughing, the wife groaned and he turned and yelled, YOU HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR","Great father's day" +"What’s Bruce Lee’s favorite hotel chain","The H-YATT" +"Girlfriend wanted donuts My girlfriend was driving and we went past a billboard advertising one of her favorite local donut establishments. She starts going on about how badly she wants donuts. This goes on for about 5 minutes and we reach another donut billboard. At this point I exclaim, wow babe, it's a sign","Her eyes have never rolled so hard" +"My newt's called tiny, why is he called tiny I hear you ask","Because he is minute" +"Son : Dad, your beard is coming along nice. Dad : Oh yeah","I guess you could say that the beard is *growing on me*" +"Hung up a picture of a black hole in my living room today It's great","Really pulls everything together" +"Sweet old lady walks into Perkins with a home made sweater. The sweater was made with alpaca wool and had a pattern with alpacas wrapping around her chest. It had a beautifully intricate diamond pattern of various colors and you could tell it was finely crafted. Mom: wow, what a beautiful sweater is that made from alpaca wool. Old lady: Yes, we have a small herd of them. Dad: YOU HAVE A HERD OF SWEATERS","Old lady stares blankly into my fathers eyes not quite understanding as I’m dying" +"Why do they call it an “altar”","Because religion changes you" +"What does a scientist do to freshen their breath","Ex-spearmints" +"I know lot of jokes about unemployed people","But none of them work" +"Unexpected dad joke Setup: It's 74 degrees outside and about to freeze by the weekend. Me: It's like summer outside and it's going to freeze in a few days. It's like the world is bipolar","Wife: *MASSIVE FACEPALM*" +"What do you say when your pea rolls away","It's an escape-pea" +"If I was a farmer, how would I measure my height. From my head, tomatoes","*Credit to /u/drsuperwholock*" +"Why did the Secretary of Defense and the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff cross the road","They were just following the chicken" +"I told my first dadjoke today","My second dad was jealous" +"What the difference is between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants","One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean" +"What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a pool","Bob" +"My girlfriend works at a tea shop. They had a work meeting last night, during which they discussed a new tea that was being introduced, an Irish Breakfast tea. For context, they already have a tea called English Breakfast. Coworker: What is the difference between the Irish and the English Breakfast teas","My girlfriend: The accents" +"You hear about that tall pine that had a branch cut off","I thought it went through a radical treensformation but it just became an amputree" +"So I told my friend 10 puns, hoping that one of them would make him laugh","Sadly, no pun in ten did" +"I was just at the museum and I asked a worker there if we were allowed to take pictures","He told me no, as they have to stay on the walls" +"''Hey officer, how did the hackers escape","'' No idea, they just ransomware" +"TIL: During the Ming dynasty, there were two princes Hu and Yu ready to take over the throne. Hu was older, but a unlucky man","Hu died and made Yu king" +"My mate bought me a terrible thesaurus for my birthday","I just couldn't find the words to thank him" +"My mum has worse jokes than my dad. Having dinner at the local pub when my mum asks what my girlfriend is currently doing at uni. I told her she's been collecting sticks for an art installation assignment: Me: She's gonna look like a weirdo catching the train into the CBD. Mum: Yeah, people are gonna be going up to her and telling her she's a faggot","Faggot means a bundle of sticks, for those who aren't aware" +"Did you hear about the Mexican killer that owned trains","He had loco-motives" +"What do you get when you mix a manatee and a human","A humanatee" +"Where is Scandinavia","Between Printdinavia and and Faxdinavia" +"How old were the knights of the round table","In the middle ages" +"Did you hear the joke about sidewalk","It's all over town" +"I'm not a dad yet, but how hard can it be","After all, I come from a long line of parents" +"Why do ducks have feathers","To cover their butt quack" +"What do you call a band made of psychoanalyists","Pink Freud" +"Dad-joked my colleague at work today who has an ear infection My ear keeps ringing","My response: Well why don't you answer it then" +"Tyrants Younger Brother:(Reading book on US History) Mom, what does tyrant mean","Mom: It means they were a bad ruler Dad: All 11 inches of them" +"The guy who stole my diary died yesterday","My thoughts are with his family" +"There was a doctor writing referrals. and he went to pull out something to sign with and pulled out an anal thermometer instead. So the Doctor says “you know what this means.","Some arsehole’s got my pen" +"For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping","That was a rude awakening" +"My kid dreams of one day living in the attic","He has lofty ambitions" +"What kind of Banana is attracted to both men and women","A Bi-nana 🍌" +"Dadjoked my friend about shirts Friend: Hey, your shirt has a hole in it. Me: Well actually it has 4. One for my head, these two for the arms","The resulting groan washed over me like some sort of cosmic cathartic wave" +"My girlfriend and I went and bought a fish today, but it died shortly after we brought it home","We didn't even have enough time to name while alive, so we decided to name it: Post Malortum" +"What's the best vacuum cleaner","I don't know; I've heard that they all suck" +"I've lost 20% of my couch","Ouch" +"My dad just got me on our drive to Key West So we've been driving for about 30 minutes down state route 1 and talking has died down a bit. We're just listening to some oldies on the radio when my dad says, Flo Rida must be pretty popular down here. I keep seeing his name everywhere. I replied, really. I haven't seen it anywhere. Ugh Shut up dad. Edit: Key West is the most southern part of the state of Florida, USA. Flo Rida is a rapper. Flo Rida is really popular in Florida. My dad saw Flo Rida a lot during our drive in Florida. If you don't get it yet, leave /r/dadjokes Edit 2 because people keep struggling. If this doesn't help you understand the joke you're lost","Flo Rida Flo rida Florida" +"What happened to the illegally parked frog","It got toad away" +"What happens when the smog clears from over Los Angeles","UCLA" +"My friend is moving to Colorado for a job. I told him Good luck in all your future en-denvers","" +"My little brother asked my dad what frontier means My dad, without skipping a beat, stands up and sideways. He points to his furthest ear to my brother and says well this one's your back ear. and then points to his other ear and says and this one is your frontier","He laughed so hard he almost passed out" +"I wanted to set up a bar inside of a cave but the police denied me access to","They said it was illegal to give alcohol to miners" +"My friend Ty won the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal","The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won" +"What do you call an empty can of Cheese Whiz","Cheese Was" +"The least guilty president is Abraham Lincoln","It's because he's in a cent" +"I had a small water bucket, but the other day it just wasn't feeling that well","In fact, it was a little pail" +"What is the difference between a son joke and a dad joke","The dad joke is fully groan" +"Did you know beer makes you smarter","It made bud wiser" +"If you've got a Bee in your hand, what have you got in your eye. Beauty","Because Beauty is in the eye of the Bee-Holder" +"I just found out the difference between candy in the. US and candy in. Sweden","Candy here (US) is sweet, while candy over there is sweet-ish." +"What kind of dinosaur enforces the law","A triceracop" +"Have you heard of the band 1023MB","They haven't got a gig yet" +"What do you call an exact copy of you that smells better","It's your cologne" +"If Donald Trump owned the Rockettes","would he rename them the Trumpettes" +"Dad got me just now. Dad: I shot my first turkey last year. Me: Yeah","Him: Scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen food section" +"Why did the golfer take an extra pair of socks","Just in case he got a hole in one" +"How did the farmer find his daughter","Tractor" +"If you think that your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough","the vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years" +"What kind of computer can sing","A Dell" +"Dadjoked a manager over the walkie. I was working the closing shift at a retail store where every associate carries a walkie. Before closing time, a manager will generally ask which departments need help zoning (cleaning, facing merchandise, etc) and the associates will help the other departments. The other night: Manager: -*kssht-* How are we on the floor","Me:- *kssht*- Gravity" +"My dad got me good Context: Lately our ceiling has been leaking so we've put a bucket on the floor to keep all the water in one place So I was coming down the stairs while using my phone and without looking where I was going, absentmindedly tripped over the bucket, letting the water stored go everywhere. My dad comes rushing in to see what all the noise was about because I had just made quite the ruckus. After telling him what happened, he slowly put two fingers on my neck as to check my pulse","I ask what he's doing and he replies I'm just making sure my son is okay, he just kicked the bucket, He was very proud of himself for it and got a chuckle out of me" +"Guy goes into a pet store So a guy decides he wants to buy the world's most unique pet. He goes to the pet store. He looks at a cat and a dog. Not unique enough. He looks at a hamster and a guinea pig. Please. The pet store guy shows him a porpoise in a tank. He says what's unique about that and the pet store guy says this one will live forever . So he buys two. He takes them home and puts them in his bathtub. He feeds them. He tries feeding them fish, shrimp, waffles, everything. They won't eat anything. So he goes back to the pet store, and says they won't eat anything I give them and the pet store guy says Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, the only thing they will eat is mynah birds. He says mynah birds. Really. and the pet store guy says yep . So he buys a couple mynah birds and takes them home. When he gets home, there's a lion sleeping on his front step. Yes, a lion. He thinks, that's a little strange, but I've got these mynahs and I've got to feed my pets. So he steps over the sleeping lion and takes the mynahs inside. Just then, a cop jumps out of the bushes and arrests him. He says come on","What's the charge And the cop says **transporting mynahs across a sedate lion for immortal porpoises**" +"How do you kill a circus","Go straight for the juggler" +"I decided to start a chain of money changers operating on ships at sea","We always gotta keep watch of the changes in currency" +"Why don't people eat clocks","It's time consuming" +"I said it once and I’ll say it again","it" +"What can jump higher than a mountain. Anyone","Mountains can't jump" +"So we have a colleague at head office called Ruth. Whenever she's on holiday, I try to contain myself. Because, for those days she's off, all I can think is 'looks like this company is","Ruth-less" +"What is a fence full of holes. A fence sieve. I strained to make this joke up as I was cooking dinner","The punchline is probably pretty weak and can't hold water" +"Two Europeans walk into a strip club in America. The bouncer asks “You want the smoking or non-smoking area","” “Oh we want the hottest girls you got”" +"Dads are like boomerangs","I hope" +"Why did the picture go to jail. Because he was","framed" +"A Frog and a Bank Loan A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation. Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, Sure. I have this, and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral. She holds up the tiny pink elephant. I mean, what the heck is this. The bank manager looks back at her and says: It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan","His old man's a Rolling Stone" +"What do you call a dog with no legs","You can call it anything, it ain't gonna come" +"What is Aquaman's favorite drug","Seaweed" +"Authorities in Louisville, Colorado report the theft of bathroom fixtures in the city's only police station","Officers say they have nothing to go on" +"Just discovered this sub today Sweet onion chicken teriyaki","Yum" +"(Grampa Joke) Wearing his pop art Santa face shirt he wears every Christmas Me: Hey Papa, nice shirt. I like his beard","Grampa: Well I've had this shirt a long time" +"Grocery Store Freezers What do they keep in the freezer section of a grocery store","Some pretty cool stuff" +"BRAKING. NEWS","Has gotta stop" +"What do you call a vehicle made out is carbon and argon","(OC) A CAr" +"Why are teddy bears never hungry","Because they’re always stuffed" +"My old man always thought he was hilarious in the supermarket; whenever the cashier asked “would he would like the milk in a bag”","He would reply, “No, just leave it in the carton”" +"A Guide to dad jokes Stumbled on this, on the ole cheezeburger website http://cheezburger. com/274181 A guide to dad jokes, which. eh","not to bad I smirked once or twice" +"A wrestler goes into a bar,","Then quickly taps out." +"I took the shell off my racing snail in the hopes that it would speed him up","If anything, it just made him more sluggish." +"Met this intimidating fellow last week, asked if he needed anything, he replied with a hoarse voice","neiggggghhh" +"Not actually a dad. But I think I've got potential. I'm a waiter. It was raining when I left for work earlier, so I put my apron on my head to shield myself. I thought of what I might say if anyone questioned me about it. I sometimes like to wear improvised nun hoods","It's not a very good habit" +"To what part of the hospital was the stalker admitted in to","The ICU" +"Told my dad I was going for a haircut. Dad im going to go get my haircut, can I have some money. Sure","Which one are you gunna cut" +"I'm like an abacus","You can count on me" +"Why do Americans never knock","Because freedom rings" +"I left my door to my work truck open and when I came back there was a squirrel trying to stash stuff in there","It was nuts" +"Lhassi Every time we go to an Indian restaurant my gf orders a mango lhassi. When it arrives I lean forward with my ear to it and say Shhh. I think lhassi's trying to tell us something","" +"I just bought a thesaurus, but all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry","I am" +"In my interview they told me they were looking for someone responsible. Which is great because whenever something bad happens everyone tells me","I’m responsible" +"Girlfriend got me last night. We were laying down and she poked at my belly button. The following conversation ensued. Her: Do you know anyone that has an outie. Me: Nope. Do you. Her: Yeah, my mom drives one","Needless to say she gets me way more than I do to her" +"The man entered his home and Was absolutely delighted to see","that every one of his lamps were stolen" +"What did the excited gardener do when spring finally came","He wet his plants" +"Dad joked my roommate this morning Me: I'm going to Target, want anything. Roommate: I'm good, what are you getting. Me: a bullseye Roommate: that was terrible dude. I leave laughing my butt off while he's rolls his eyes","Edit:formatting" +"On the way home from the hospital today with our newborn daughter My wife said it feels like forever since we've been home","To which I replied, Yeah, it's been a lifetime" +"Caught a horse mackerel today","Sounded fine to me though" +"I used to date a girl who was lactose intolerant","We broke up because she couldn’t stomach my cheesy jokes" +"What did Aristotle students ask him at the beggining of his class","What's the matter today" +"An angry letter to the mods of /r/dadjokes [pls no ban](https://media. discordapp. net/attachments/351548924290531330/488671865481592863/unknown","png)" +"My Mom countered. It was a critical hit My oldest brother sent a group text remembering our late father but I didn't get the texts until later since my phone was dead. My mom wanted to know if I had anything to add to the remembrance. Mom: You didn't weigh in yet. Me: I'm happy with how much I weigh right now","Mom: Thats heavy" +"What did the pharoh call his strange gas","A toot uncommon" +"I was offered a job building. Egyptian tombs","Turned out to be a pyramid scheme" +"My daughter asked me what tbh and idk mean. To be honest,","I don't know..." +"What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over","Doughnuts" +"Discussing cocktails for NYE with my dad. Me: Hm, if I want to make a pear martini, I need pear vodka . Dad: You could just get 2 bottles of Vodka. Then it's a pair","Me:" +"In light of Jurassic World. What happens when you punch a T-rex","It becomes dino-sore" +"Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag","He replies: No, just leave it in the carton" +"I have some happy childhood memories of my dad putting us inside tires and rolling us downhill","Those were the Good Years" +"What is an English teacher's favorite cereal","synonym toast crunch" +"What do you call a cage full of dimes, pennies, and quarters","A nickle-less cage" +"Why don't skeletons play music in church","No organs" +"What kind of keys make the most noise","Monkeys" +"So a meeting stretched on for a bit too long, and the client said 'I wouldn't mind a light lunch'. ' So, i said, 'CFL, Incandescent or LED. ' Much groaning ensued amongst my colleagues. Client laughed a lot though","I have a feeling I'm going to enjoy working with him" +"Dad joked by my grandfather. In 2 languages. So I was talking to my grandfather over facetime - Obviously, I had hello to him (in english). So he started shaking. I was like what but then I realized - the way we pronounce hello in english (h-u-l-o) means shake in the language I speak (Gujrati)","I hung up" +"How could you tell. Dad: I think our car is broken Mom: How could you tell","Dad: With my mouth" +"My uncle always told me he had a fortune in a safe deposit box. He left me the key in his will. I went to the bank, trembling with anticipation, got access to the box, took it into the private viewing room. I opened the box and looked in, there was an envelope in side, when I opened it, a folded piece of paper fell out. I read it, and it said: Good things are ahead for you","Your lucky numbers are 6, 10 and 13" +"My friend Dadjoking Omegle. [http://i. imgur. com/2scTumM. jpg ](http://i. imgur. com/2scTumM","jpg)" +"I've finally stopped drinking for good","Now, I only drink for evil" +"My coworker asked if I had any nuts. I offered grapes and they turned me down. Then I said, You're nuts to pass up a grape deal like that","Edit: this actually happened and I'm very proud of it" +"I once knew a frog mortician","Too bad he croaked" +"What does a viking that is trying to be optimistic say. Could be norse","(I just thought of this, i genuinely hope it's not a repost" +"I don't trust these trees","They seem kind of shady" +"Why did the squirrel swim on his back","To keep his nuts dry" +"A cosmetics company has finally discovered the leading cause of skin dryness","It's towels" +"I told my toddler it was Saturday, so I don't have to go to work today. He indignantly replies that it is NOT Sat-ur-day, it's a hap-pee-day","He's gonna be a great dad" +"The ongoing joke in my family This joke is applicable in almost any situation (board games, homework etc etc) and my dad does just that: Dad: Son, are you done","(With anything possible) Me: Yeah Dad: Oh, great, then you can pull up your pants Then the rest of the family looks at the metaphorical camera in the room like in The Office" +"What did the shy pebble wish for","That she was a little boulder" +"My 9 year old little cousin just hit us with this one. Where do ants really want to live. Where. Antarctica. Where does aunt Leah want to live. England. no. Colorado. (For obvious reasons) no. Where buddy. Antarctica","" +"I bought a Mexican soup","He liked it" +"My. High. School. Band. Leader always wanted me to play louder","But it wasn't my forte" +"While taking to my wife about wine. Wife: You CAN taste it when it's aerated. Me: No you deCANt . I cracked myself up, she rolled her eyes","Typical" +"How do bears communicate","Teddy grahams" +"Anytime I need to catch up on the news, I just go to my podiatrist","They have all the footage I need" +"I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead","” He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am" +"My son said he was going to read a book by the fire","I said, That's a weird name for an author" +"I saw a sign in the road. It said: You are now entering a 30 zone","So I turned around, because I'm only 25" +"You’ll have to forgive my border collie","She’s a little ruff around the edges" +"After my dad just finished emergency surgery Nurse: Ever had any memory loss","Dad: Not that I remember" +"How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb","A Brazilian" +"What's a knight's favorite type of e-mail","Chain mail" +"Did you hear about the blind lady that fell into the well","Turns out she couldn't see that well" +"So I heard about the new restaurant that opened up on the moon","The food was great but there was no atmosphere" +"Why did the Russian take so long in the bathroom","Because he was Stalin" +"At the end of a phone call. Dad - Hey you need to go invest in all the balloons that you can","Their price is going up due to inflation" +"I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it","It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes" +"what do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot","a walkie-talkie" +"This sub has a lot of dad jokes","It’s quite aparent" +"I was on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies","Is this a trick question" +"My wife: I hope our daughters are taller like you. Wife: Short people just don't make it very far in this world","Me: Yea, their legs just don't cover much distance" +"My friend couldn't afford his water bill. So","I sent him a get well soon card" +"Two goldfish are in their tank. One turns to the other and says, You man the guns,","I'll drive" +"My son asked me what I'm posting on Reddit","I tell him that they /r/dadjokes" +"Where do sheep go on vacation","The baaaaaaaaa-hamas" +"Have you heard the one about the shovel","It's a ground breaking invention" +"Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France","There was nothing left but de Brie" +"I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me","Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do" +"Just read that Boo is Australian Slang for 'to return'","Because when you try to throw an ordinary merang, it doesn't work so well" +"What is it called when a candle eats another candle","Candlebolism" +"What do you call a red head who knows king fu","A ginja" +"I'm breaking up with you. Girlfriend: What. Why","Calm down, I'm going into a tunnel, I'll call you back in a minute" +"Why can't you trust a clumsy barista","They're always spilling the beans" +"I wouldn't claim to be famous. But I do have a Super fan. http://imgur","com/ZY2Y2Pj" +"Why couldn't the melons get married in Vegas","Because they cantaloupe" +"What do you call a fat psychic","A 4-chin teller" +"Did you hear about the red cruise ship and blue cruise ship that collided in the Caribbean","The survivors were marooned" +"In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin","Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin" +"My wife recently asked if. I wanted to watch the biodrama on the history of tampons,. I said sure,","I love period pieces." +"What kind of music do pirates listen to","Aarr n' B" +"My dad always pulls this one on vacations. So when me and my family are on vacation we usually go to a restaurant to eat in the evening. When we are done eating the waiters come up and ask if we're finished. But since they're usually not too good at speaking english they pronounce it like u finish. To this my dad always answers no, swedish . I find it equally funny every time except the waiter never gets it","edit: for those who don't get it we're from sweden, and the waiter ask if we are finished (sounds like finnish) (from finland)" +"My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day","Not really relaxing as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out 60 Watts - Made in China" +"Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news. Patient: Good news please","Doctor: we're naming a disease after you" +"What did the spider say when the timber company moved into his neighborhood","You logged onto my website" +"What do you call an Italian prostitute","A pasta-tute" +"What is a crazy persons favorite activity at the park","They like to walk on the Psychopath" +"I'll just let this sink in. http://imgur. com/t0iHkD0 Edit: I got gold for making someone groan","Thank you so much, I'm now much more motivated to impregnate a woman so I can unleash my terrible jokes on the fruit of my loins" +"What has 4 wheels and flies","A garbage truck" +"I just finished my first day at work with FedEx","OP delivers" +"Why so scuba divers roll backwards off the boat","Because if they rolled forwards they'd still be in the boat" +"I just took off my backpack after my very last college final. Boy, was that a weight off my shoulders","Edit: I actually am finally about to graduate, so I’m happy even if you don’t like my joke" +"What is Reddit's favorite vacation destination","Victoria Falls" +"What do Santa's Elves listen to while they work","Wrap Music" +"Joking around with my Dad and he hit me with this. Me: I'm gonna kick your ass. *I attempt a kick to the ass but hit nothing* Me: Oh my God, you have no ass","Dad: I know, your Mom chewed most of it off" +"What sound does a witches car make","Broom broom" +"Did you hear about the guy who can't calculate averages","He wasn't good at math by any means" +"Why was Captain Kirk having trouble in the bathroom","He had to deal with a Cling-on" +"I always fall for this one My dad has dropped this one on me multiple times and I always fall for it. Son, have you seen my car keys. No, sorry dad Oh, well here then - take a look","Then he hands me the car keys and I laugh" +"I was basically a pirate in school I lived in the C's","Edit: removed junk" +"My twin brother called me from prison","He said: You know how we finish each other's sentences" +"My wife gets mad when I steal her kitchen utensils","But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take" +"My dad at the alligator farm last summer. What do you call an alligator wearing a vest. An in-vest-igator, investigator, get it","" +"What do you call a guitar used to play pool","A cue stick" +"Yesterday,. I dreamt about drowning in an ocean of orange soda. It ended up just being a","FantaSea" +"What do you call a half horse, half human doctor","A centaur for disease control" +"She was only a whiskey maker's daughter","but he loved her still" +"My dad dropped this bird plane joke on me. Two birds were flying together peacefully in the air. All of a sudden, a 747 blew past them at high speed. The birds were tumbling, tumbling, tumbling and tumbling, until they finally stabilized. BIRD 1 exclaimed: Woah. Did you see how fast that bird flew past us","BIRD 2 still dizzy from tumbling replied: If you had 4 assholes on fire🔥 you would be going that fast too" +"My wife is furious that I don’t clean the coffee from the machine after I am done with it","Grounds for divorce" +"How does Mario talk to his dead brother. With a Luigi Board","Credit to my friend Jeff for this one" +"Jim. Carrey is combining the movies where he plays. God and a pet detective. Alrighty","Almighty" +"My dad gave me a container of ham and bean soup labeled “239 beans. ” When I asked if he counted them all, he said if he added one more it will be “too farty” [soup pic](https://imgur","com/a/IxXTC)" +"Remember this joke from my dad a while ago. When I was a kid, I asked my dad how many sides a pyramid had. 2 sides, an inside and a outside","Dammit dad" +"What is the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants","One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean" +"A man walks into a doctor's office and says, Doc, I'm not feeling well. The doctor says, Okay, well have a seat. He then walks out of the room for a moment and comes back with a Labrador Retriever. The dog sniffs him a bit, then the doctor walks him back out of the room with his tail wagging. A couple minutes pass, and the doctor comes back with a cat. He rubs the cat all over the man until it meows, then takes it back out of the room. The doctor then returns and says, Well, you seem fine to me. That'll be $1000. The man, flabbergasted, yells, $1000. There wasn't even anything wrong with me","The doctor replies, Well it rounds out to that between the lab work and the cat scan" +"Broke out a classic driving my son to Confirmation class at out church. Why do Lutherans smell","They enjoy sitting in their own pew" +"Which is faster, hot or cold","Hot, because you can catch a cold" +"What do you call an assassin from the Baroque period","A Bachstabber" +"Got my wife before lunch the other day","Picked her up from her friend's house and then headed to the restaurant" +"Did you hear about the Italian chef that died","He pasta way" +"My son asked me if we can watch the Origami National Championships on TV. I replied, “I don’t think we can do that. ” My son asked, “Why not","” “Because it’s paper view" +"So my family and I went apple picking today. And we get to the Empire apples. When we get there, my dad says, We better be careful when we pick these apples I said, Why . He replies, Because the Empire strikes back","A few minutes later he throws an apple at me and yells, The Empire strikes back" +"Three men were stranded in the middle of a desert, and only allowed to bring one item for survival. Bob asked Tom, “what did you bring. ” “A bottle of water, I’m sure to get thirsty in a desert” replied Tom. “What did you bring. ” Tom asked. “This sandwich. I figure I’m gonna get hungry what with all of the walking. ” replied Bob. Bob and Tom turn to the third man, and ask “Forrest, what have you got there","” Forrest said, “I have a car door, if it gets too hot, I’ll roll down the window" +"If I were a trumpet player I would constantly borrow other people's trumpets","I'd hate to toot my own horn" +"I tried exercising my inner demons","But now they're just super fit and hotter than ever" +"Anyone want to hear a construction joke","Sorry, I'm still working on it" +"This one took Mom a few seconds tonight. Mom: Honey, could you please go turn the grill on. Dad: Should I take my pants off in front of it","Mom is confused and my father and I are laughing our arses off" +"My body is very well-defined","If you look under the word chubby" +"It doesn’t matter if you’re tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor, at the end of the day","It’s night" +"Pete and Repeat dad: Pete and repeat are sitting on a wall. Pete falls off. Who's left. Me:repeat dad: Pete and repeat are sitting on a wall. Pete falls off. Who's left. me:repeat Dad: Pete and repeat are sitting on a wall. Pete falls off","Who's left" +"What do you call a sloppy soccer player","Messi" +"How did the thread get to school","On the spool bus 🙂" +"My dad just asked me what. I wanted to have for dinner","I said no idea he replied why does the deer have to have no eyes?" +"Got my Native girlfriend and her entire family at dinner I thought I saw an eye doctor from a small Alaskan island. but it turned out to just be an optical Aleutian. Dead silence, stares of disbelief","Laughter and applause from the only other white guy present" +"Did you hear the one about the cannibal. Did you hear the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend. Think about it","Dad told me that one a few minutes ago" +"Did you hear the dad joke about cheese","Never mind, you probably havarti heard it before" +"My wife is 6 weeks pregnant. Time to get started. What does The Most Interesting Man in the World eat for breakfast","Dos eggies" +"I tried to keep following my dreams","Unfortunately, my dreams filed a restraining order last night" +"What is the loudest crime","A racket" +"How do you steal a porch","You take it step by step" +"Why would anyone fill a box with 2000 tiny pieces of cardboard","I'm puzzled" +"What kind of fish is made from just two sodium atoms","2 Na" +"Who made the round table for King Arthur","Cir Cumference" +"What's the most important part of a joke about ISIS","The execution" +"Shopping for new kicks for my daughter. I asked my wife why there were no flies in the store. She shrugged and I told her it was because of all the shoe","Kid groaned, wife groaned, but I got a chuckle from the clerk" +"Dont joke about domestic abuse","It hits too close to home" +"Scored a date with a hot vegan girl by telling her. I worked with animals. I don’t think she’ll be too pleased when she finds out","I’m a butcher" +"What did Santa Claus say when he caught Mrs. Claus cheating","Hoe-hoe-hoe" +"If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. But, if you teach a man to phish, he will be a. Nigerian","Prince" +"My wife has no patience for me. Today during a long drive, I was really starting to get on my wife's nerves: Wife: I just don't have any patience for you anymore. Me: Of course not, I am not a doctor","She groaned and ignored me for the rest of the drive" +"Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper","He sold his soul to Santa" +"I accidentally took a sedative and a laxative at the same time","I slept like a baby" +"My dad when talking religion at lunch We were eating fish and my grandma was talking about the Bible and other religious texts. Grandma: Well, actually Judaism uses the same psalms as Christianity does. My dad: And by the way mom, your psalmon is delicious","" +"What do you call a bee who can't maker up its mind","A maybee" +"I’ve always been super confused as to why my dad always brings an extra pair of socks to the golf course","According to him, it’s in case he gets a hole in one" +"An eyelash just fell into my dessert. Good thing","I ordered eyes-cream" +"Dadjoked My Deodorantless Coworker So we're on our way back from getting lunch and the girl coworker that was driving said she may have forgotten to put deodorant on in the morning. There was a bottle of 'Secret' brand deodorant in her car that she grabbed before heading back into the office. Later on at the lunch table, we were talking about rumors and secrets. She said there are secrets everywhere. I said Not under your arms there isn't","We all chuckled" +"A woman once told me she met me at the vegetarian club","but I had never met herbivore" +"Why does a skunk bother organizing his pantry","He likes keeping everything in odor" +"Honey, I’m bringing you a quesadilla. No need to Helen, I don’t need a whole case of them","One dilla is plenty" +"What is the definition of a farmer","Someone that is outstanding in their field" +"My daughter told me not to make her toast too dark at breakfast this morning. Why","I asked, Are you black-toast intolerant" +"Could you open this, please","Thank you" +"What did Watson and Crick study when they discovered DNA","Rosalind Franklin’s notes" +"I've invented a plane without wings","I can't see it taking off" +"During a beautiful day at the park i pulled this on my buddy. As we were sitting on a bench eating ice cream on this beautiful day a guy on a segway drove by. I asked my friend, hey man do you like segways. Yeah, i guess so. why","Well the other day i was reading this book" +"Office dads. Today it was hot and humid in our office and the AC wouldn't kick on so we were crowded around an oscillating pedestal fan. Our boss walked up and said: What is this. A fan club. I looked at him and said, This IS our biggest fan","Others followed, but I'll let you all join in" +"Got my brother yesterday In the plane before our flight took off, my brother noticed there was no Row 9. Brother: What happened to Row 9","Me: Hmm, I guess seven eight it" +"Me, at a fancy restaurant: This wine is smooth, a little citrusy, with a mild touch of oak","Waiter; Sir, you are drinking 7up" +"True Story about Half a Toilet We are remodeling my grandmother's house. This includes a new toilet. My dad entered my room today giggling. He replied, still giggling, that my mother was in a rage. After some prodding for explanation, he finally told me that, and I quote, they only gave her half a toilet. Now, I'm thinking the tank was in one box and the bottom half was in another, and they only gave her one box. In any case, when worded this way, it IS kind of funny. So, I giggle too. But dad didn't stop there. We laugh for a bit, and then he grins even wider and says: I got to thinking, you know, we have a lot of half-ass people around here","And that, readers, is how a fairly routine mishap went from mildly funny to too groanworthy to be anything but hilarious" +"My friend's bakery got set on fire the other day","The business is toast" +"It was mexican food day in the cafeteria at work and someone forgot to prep the guac","I am so upset right now i dont even wanna taco bout it" +"I will teach you how to build a ladder","In 6 easy steps" +"As my dad was leaving for the store","I'll be Beethovan, I mean, I'll be Bach" +"Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight","Sigh" +"What did Odin's son say after working out","Im a little Thor" +"Life is about changing perspectives and priorities. Heck, I used to worry if one of my hairs was out of place, but now","I don't care if they both are" +"What do you call gas passed in an airplane","Altitoot" +"Riddle me this:. Why do we have. Batman shampoo but conditioner","Gordon isn't a thing?" +"Tesla's don't have new car smell","They have Elon MUSK &#x200B; \- My roomate" +"My coworker, a dad, let this one out during lunch. We were sitting around talking about different foods when someone mentioned eating beef tongue. Someone else asked how does it taste The dad of the group answered well it doesn't anymore","I had to laugh, but there were plenty of eye rolls" +"I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59PM and the clock struck midnight","I thought, “same shit, different day”." +"Where do snowmen go to dance. A snowball","dad pls no" +"A dad joke in Arabic. In Arabic, there are two firms: formal and colloquial. In the formal form, generally when you want to ask someone how they're doing you say Kayf al-haal which means How is the state of being. Literally asking how they are. In Kuwaiti colloquial however you say wishlonak which means the same thing colloquially but literally means What color are you. My friend calls me and says wishlonak and I immediately respond Brown. And then burst out laughing at my own cleverness","After typing it out I feel really lame" +"Why can't pirates finish the alphabet. Because they're stuck at C","I'm a proud dad, my daughter told me that" +"What kind of shirt does Ironman wear","A tanktop" +"Got my girlfriend on an early drive this morning. My girlfriend was driving us to into town early this morning for work, it was dark and we all had lights on. A waste disposal truck coming the other way narrowly misses us as it overtakes a cyclist on a blind corner","My girlfriend gets angry because of their stupidity, I wait a split second and say: I guess they're just a rubbish lorry driver It didn't defuse the situation" +"What do you call it when you eat at a mall and you're satisfied by your meal","Mallnourished" +"When it comes to bruising","I really do a bang up job" +"What’s yellow and kills you if it gets in your eye","A bulldozer" +"Why do they call it a dad bod,. When it is clearly a. Father","Figure." +"Got a real good one at work today So, I work at papa johns, and while I was making pizza, one of my managers yelled Someone catch the oven. To which I replied I didn't know it was running away","Groans were had, and only one person laughed" +"Actually, she's my current. I'm a 29-year-old dad of a 2-year-old. Wife and I stopped at Hot Head Burritos yesterday and the girl making the burritos said, I'll mark yours with an X, to my wife. I said, Yeah, she's an X. well, actually, she's my current. Groans everywhere","I thought it was hilarious" +"We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the","Minneapolis" +"I can't believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician","I was just sitting around doing nothing" +"I got fired from my job at the calendar factory","I took too many days off" +"A naked man arrives at a fancy dress party with a girl on his back. “I’m a turtle” he says Oh. well who’s that on your back then","“That’s Michelle”" +"How do cows do math","With a cowculator" +"I’ve got a dead budgie for sale","It’s not going cheep" +"What do you call a positive phone","Yeskia" +"A man calls an Operator. Operator: 911 what's your emergency. Man: My wife's going into labor and I don't know what to do. Operator: Is this her first born. Man : No","This is her husband" +"The Interview Interviewer: if you had to describe yourself in 3 words, what would they be. Interviewee: Me","Lazy" +"Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys","Aisle B, back" +"I think this belongs here (image) http://i. imgur. com/vOnhyWR","jpg" +"Queen Elizabeth is celebrating 66 years on the throne","I’m assuming it’s something she ate" +"I don't like average girls They're all so","mean" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school","It's fine, he woke up" +"You guys heard about those selfish kids having sex in the sewers","Fucking ingrates" +"Q: Which of your senses tend to diminish as you get older","A: My sense of decency" +"A guy just told me that my wife and my daughter look like sisters","I told him, “Well, they were separated at birth" +"The subreddit r/Woof_irl has a lot of dogs","It's a real subwoofer" +"What did the vacuum say when the blow dryer took him to see a cheesy movie. This sucks. What did the blow dryer say in retort","Blow me" +"Hey, What's the score. me: It's 1 to 3. roommate: For","me: 5, 6, 7" +"Dad can I borrow thirty dollars. Dad: Twenty dollars. What do you need ten dollars for","(Credit to the dad from The perks of being a wallflower movie, at least that's where I just heard it)" +"I'm wondering, is the old *Person 1:'Is this [thing 1] or [thing 2] Person 2: Yes* a dad joke or a reddit meme","Yes" +"what did the dad buffalo say to his kid buffalo when he left for college","bi son" +"Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring","The changing sea son" +"Just yellow please One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies, Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger. The owner replies, Well, let's see. Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury. We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer. The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, I want this color sonny. To which Nathan replies, Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one. No son, I want this color. But ma'am, they didn't make that color. Maybe a cherry red one would suit you. says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale. By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about","The secretary replies, Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn" +"Did you hear about Mike Tyson's Thong","I heard he thang it really well" +"And what do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhino","'ElifIknow" +"Easy money. (circa 1990) Dad: I'll give you ten dollars if you get me a beer. Me: Seriously. Okay. --go and get him a beer-- Dad: Alright, go get me one of your sisters dolls. Me: What. Why. Dad: Well do you want your ten doll hairs or not","" +"Never challenge Death to a pillow fight","Unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions" +"What do you call the patron saint of gross soups","St" +"Hey guys, my name’s Chad. I’ve been sober for 47 days now. Not in a row or anything. Just","total" +"Past, present, and future entered a bar","It was tense" +"What do you call numbers that can't stay still","Roman Numerals" +"What do you call a fake noodle","an impasta" +"My Minivan has a loud whine when I jiggle the wheel So I'm driving down the road one day sitting next to my wife with the four kids in the back of the Minivan. I mention to my wife Have you noticed the van has a loud whine when you jiggle the wheel. She get's a concerned look on her face The van is pretty new, what do you think is wrong. I respond No idea, maybe you can tell me where you think it's coming from . I jiggle the wheel back and forth, the van sways and sways, and out of the back seat a voice pipes up DAAAaaaAAadddd, stop iiitttt, I'm trying to reeeaaaadddd","One of the best parts of being a dad are the Jokes, even if I'm clearly the only one in the family who appreciates them :D" +"Yesterday, I decided to watch Carrrs the movie","It was just Cars but I pirated it" +"A man just tried to sell me Supergirl, Lara Croft and Wonder Woman","I think he might be a heroine dealer" +"Not to brag, but yesterday I beat the state chess champion in less than five moves","Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use" +"What do you say when two red blood cells get married","Coagulations" +"Why are graveyards so noisy","All the coffin" +"I’d like to thank my biggest fan. Thank you,","Vornado" +"I told my boyfriend he's my best friend You're MY best friend","and I like your boobs, so I guess I could say you're my BREAST friend" +"Don’t ever become a vegan","It would be a big missed steak" +"An open letter to the mods of /r/dadjokes","C" +"My son thought percussion was easy","I told him it's not that cymbal" +"I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice","They were really sour about it" +"What STD did the sloth get","The slow clap" +"The temperatures are about to dip again. Mom: >Lows are supposed to be freezing to below freezing Wednesday through Sunday","Dad: >What about Home Depot" +"How do you call a baby born out of incest","A domestic product" +"Dad just texted me this joke. Archaeologists digging at the pyramids in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and almonds","They believe it to be the pharaoh rocher" +"Every time my dad and I are in a car. Every time I'm driving somewhere with my dad and we pass a field he will yell hay. And catch me off guard. I'll instantly be aware and start looking around. What. He'll respond, Just a hay field","And say nothing else" +"Do you want to hear a joke about ADHD","I want mac-n-cheese" +"All food ends up in the same place","Either it goes to waste or it goes to waist" +"This is a joke my Grandfather loves to tell at weddings. It's a dad's dad joke. People always ask me, how are you and Marilyn still happily married after 50 years. I tell them, Well, when we first got married, we decided that I would make all the major decisions for the family, and she would make all the smaller decisions","50 years later, we've never made a major decision" +"Cajoling the wife into the bedroom today. We haven't had sex all year. She groaned. Still no nookie 😢 Edit. Erm scratch that","😁" +"So the. Dalai. Lama walks into a pizza shop","He asks, “Can you make me one with everything?”" +"My wife had a flat while driving on the highway. She was panicking when she called me because she didn't know what to do. I told her to calm down and just let Jesus take the wheel","And have it patched up or replaced at the tyre shop" +"Some [OC] for you all. https://i. imgur. com/KPOfz3c","jpg" +"Stopped at a motel, went for a swim, and my SO got me good. I'm driving across the country with my SO and we're stopped at a motel right now. It has a small indoor swimming pool so I put on my boardshorts, went for a quick swim, and hung them up to dry in the shower overnight. This morning my SO saw them: > They dry really quickly, she said. > Yup, that's what boardshorts are for, I said. > They don't have a lot to do. It took me a minute","She got me good" +"I want to tell some vacuum jokes","But, they all suck" +"How much room is needed for fungi to grow","As mushroom as possible" +"Why did the rooster go to KFC","To see the chicken strip" +"My dad pulled this one out after. I said we want oak floors","Wooden that be nice." +"One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has broke his back","We didn’t have Oleg to stand on" +"Heard after skiing today. Daughter: my muscles are all sore and tense","Dad: yeah well, my muscles are past tense" +"How deep does water have to be to be ankles deep","Two feet" +"Two teddy bears are walking down the road. One says, “Hey, man. You hungry","” The other says “Nah man I’m stuffed" +"A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender looks over at him and says Hey, I've got a drink named after you","Confused, the screwdriver looks to the bartender and replies, You've got a drink named Harold" +"Dadjoked at an NHL game My girlfriend and I are at an NHL game the other night and an add comes on the jumbotron for a ladder company, claiming to be the worldwide leader in ladders. GF: How does a company become the 'worldwide leader' of ladders","Random guy sitting beside us: One step at a time" +"Dolly Parton has just bought Harris Teeters and Piggly Wiggly, and is merging the two","She will be renaming it to “Big Wiggly Teeters”" +"What did the vampire cat say, when he didn't like the plans his friends where making for the weekend","Count meowt" +"How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Alabama","Because it's not called a teethbrush" +"A comic I drew for you, r/dadjokes I know it's only self-posts here, but I figured some of you might like [this crappy comic I drew. ](http://www. turbosloth","net/comic/hungry/) My dad told me he liked it but didn't get it… maybe he's not a real dad" +"I heard a beaver lost its home today","Dam shame, too" +"When is a car not a car","When it turns into a driveway" +"After seeing it on Reddit this morning, I worked hard to be able to use it. Paydirt. [Flock of Cows](http://i. imgur. com/QKaMtdQ","png)" +"What do you do when you meet a Chinese emperor","You bao" +"Driving past Alan Shepard's childhood house when Dad strikes. Mom: I wonder what it would be like to live in Alan Shepard's house","Dad: I hear the family that lives there is really spacey" +"My. Sister. Bet. Me $15. I. Couldn't. Build a. Car. Out. Of. Spaghetti. You should of seen her face as","I drove pasta." +"Dad and I just had an exchange via text message http://i. imgur. com/kfJW6La","png" +"Why can proctologists never get out of debt","They're always in arrears" +"It’s raining cats and dogs outside","I just stepped in a poodle." +"How does NASA say it's sorry","It Apollo-gizes" +"What's the best thing about elevator jokes","They work on so many levels" +"Family of musicians, my dad has been saying this for years. We were at my brother's show last night, and he was tuning his guitar in between songs. My dad turns to me and goes Ah the great Chinese song Tu Ning. My brother's and I have been playing shows since I can remember, this jokes probably comes out at least once a month","Dad's a persistent, that's for sure" +"I shaved my dog so he looks like he's wearing a hat","I guess you could call it a furdora" +"Hey have you heard about Steven Tyler's new line of sweetened mayonnaise. No","Well maybe you've heard the jingle Sweet Emulsion" +"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I dont know what he laced them with but","I was tripping all day!" +"What do annoying peppers do","get JALAPEÑO BIDNESS" +"I just bought an iPhone. X","The phone is good but the screen is top notch!" +"A farmer with a terrible headache was carrying a bag of rice","His headache got so bad, he dropped his rice and yelled my grains" +"Dadjoked by my four-year-old son, so proud. My son is very injury-prone, and we have a family friend named Larry who is also very injury-prone. So after examining yet another of my son's injuries: Me: We'll have to change your name to Larry Son: Why, because I'm hi-larry-ous","Me: *facepalm* (followed by a fist bump) EDIT: reformatted for line spacing" +"I guess I'm a dad now. [actually happened] Me: Starts randomly meowing in bed Wife comes in and looks at me as much as to say WTF. Me: I was cat calling you; and it worked","Wife sighs and looks defeated Me: Laughs hysterically" +"I love the way the. Earth rotates","It really makes my day!" +"What does the pope use to hold documents together","Papal clips" +"Did you hear the good news about O","It is part of a complete breakfast" +"When someone is singing to songs Who sings this song","Adele Let's keep it that way" +"What kind of bees produce milk","Boobies" +"Every time the mail gets delivered, I break down crying","I really should speak to a therapist about my post-traumatic stress disorder" +"Help. My ship is sinking","Mayday mayday mayday" +"I called the optician to book an appointment. Can you see me at noon. she asked","No, that's why I'm booking a sight test" +"What do you call a normal sized thermometer","Fare in height" +"What does it look like. Co worker got me good today. Somebody lost an inspection mirror at work and asked us to look around and help him find it. I asked him what does it look like. (meaning what color is the handle, is it round or square etc. ) Without hesitation, a third coworker says when you look at it, you'll see yourself","Damn" +"Hey, look at that flock of cows. Herd. What. Herd of cows","Of course I've heard of cows, there's a flock of them right there" +"Did you hear about the guy who died at Mount Rushmore. There were 4 witnesses, but no one is saying anything","They're all stone-faced" +"My local pub's sign lost a letter today. My local is called 'The Red Lion' - pretty typical for a British pub. However, the letter D had fallen off the sign above the door","My grandfather, in true dad form: Unlike the sign out the front, that pub you really can re lion" +"Made a motivational dad joke Recently I took a very spontaneous last minute trip across the country. It really cleared my head from all the nonsense in my life right now. A friend of mine got inspired by that and said fuck it, I'm going somewhere random too (he ended up deciding Zion Park in Utah). He texted me that he was getting anxious about it and was about to back out, so I replied You can't back out now, you said you want to do something crazy so do it","Utah-k the talk, now you gotta walk the walk" +"Went to the zoo with my parents My dad says, you know how to tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator. I say oh god, how","He says, one will see you later, and one is after a while Thanks dad" +"Did you hear that ICE detained Paul Simon","They were asking him about a guy named Julio" +"Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees","Because they’re so good at it" +"Got my boss. Boss: Wow, I can't spell today","Me: T-O-D-A-Y" +"Batman has always had a soft spot for Mr. Freeze","He thought he looked cool" +"My GF was slicing tomatoes. One of them slipped off the cutting board onto the floor and she gasped in surprise. I asked her what happened and she said one of my tomatoes is trying to get away So of course I replied Well did you ketchup to it","And then I giggled for the rest of the evening" +"Honey can you call my phone. Phone. Phone. Phone where are you","My son is dying with laughter" +"A long time ago you could make decent money from the copper mines","Now if you had one you'd be making pennies" +"Why did the dog lose the arm wrestling tournament","Because he fourfeet" +"Do you know what Beethoven did a week after he got put in his coffin","He started to decompose" +"Have you heard the joke about procrastination","I’ll tell you tomorrow" +"How do you make holy water","You boil the hell out of it" +"Classic dad joke when we're paying at the grocery store. As my dad was paying for our groceries the cashier offered us free bracelets for donating to charity. Cashier: You can pick from 2 colours, black or orange. Me: I'll go with black. My dad: But kiddo, I thought orange was the new black","Cashier: *hysterical laughter*" +"What did the pumpkin say when it dropped its baby","Oh my gourd" +"I love cider","I'd be hard pressed to think of a better drink." +"A joke from my 8 year old. Did you know that 10+10 is the same as 11+11","10+10 = twenty 11+11 = twenty too" +"I'm addicted to seaweed","I must seek kelp." +"I live in such a dangerous city that I can’t let the kids out at night","They might just rob someone" +"What do they call a traffic jam in the Lincoln Tunnel","A Linkin Park" +"I didn’t get the Xbox Series X I wanted for my birthday","I need someone to console me" +"I put adderall into my. Ford. Fiesta. Now it’s a. Ford","Focus" +"This truck was able to break the sound barrier. https://imgur","com/a/WYfG2" +"I hate. German sausages","They're the wurst" +"The other day. I bought a thesaurus, but when. I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry","I am ...." +"Over the past 3 years I’ve lost a ton of weight at the gym","I am now being sued" +"At the end of the work day coworker sighs loudly and says: How did we get here","Me: I don’t know about you, but I drove to work" +"I accidentally glued myself to a novel that I just finished writing","Well, thats my story and I’m sticking to it" +"A Dungeons & Dragons Related Dad Joke. I'm currently running my players through a D&D adventure titled Curse of Strahd . Last session, my players found a journal revealing details about the main villain, Count Strahd Von Zarovich. When they acquired it, I passed the adventure book over--opened up to an illustration depicting the journal's pages--and one of the players proceeded to read. After struggling for a bit, he said, I'm having a tough time reading this cause it's so cursive. Yes, I responded. It's the cursive Strahd. I had that one chambered and ready for weeks, just waiting for the right moment. What my players don't know is that I'm also going to include a few other bits of flavor for my them to find as they progress through the game: - A fancy handbag with the initials SVZ hammered into the leather. the purse of Strahd - A grave in which the Von Zarovich family nanny is buried. the nurse of Strahd - A carriage very obviously built to accommodate Strahd's coffin. the hearse of Strahd - A book full of poetry written during Strahd's younger days, before he was consumed by darkness","the verse of Strahd" +"Girlfriend got me good while entering the elevator. The door opened and I said: After you my dear . Her response: Thank you my elk . It took me a while to realize it, but damn I'm proud. Edit: Geez thanks for all the entertaining comments, I woke up to a plethora of notifications","I appreciate it everyone" +"If you make a living from bread puns,","It means you knead them to make dough." +"What exercise do sea creatures do a lot of","Plank-tons" +"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, My friend is dead. What can I do. The operator says Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead. There is a silence, then a shot is heard","Back on the phone, the guy says OK, now what" +"How do crazy people walk","Loco motion" +"I sent my parents a picture of me shaming my dog for eating a 5 dollar bill","My dad said she had expensive taste" +"What does a dolphin say when it’s having an existential crisis","“What is my porpoise" +"Hand me the 1 spade bit. Which one's the spade bit","The one without the ovaries" +"What do you call a broken can opener","A can't opener" +"What do you call someone who has 10 ants","A landlord" +"To all the military moms out there","thank you for your cervix" +"When I tell my dad I'm just hanging out","Dad- Well, you'd better tuck yourself back in" +"What do you call a Mexican that's just left the hospital","Manuel" +"I really hate it when my family talks about me behind my back","They discussed me" +"I really like jokes about. Koalas. They're","Koala-ty jokes." +"What do you call a rude average","A mean" +"Why don't you see many horse-drawn carriages","Hard to find a horse that can draw" +"The king's chair was lumpy and uncomfortable","He wanted it throne out" +"I got my wife with this one. Wife: The ION Channel disappeared from our cable lineup. Now I can't watch *Law & Order* marathons as easily","Me: I see this deIONization has left you salty" +"What do you call a virtual reality raft","Oculus Drift" +"Dad uses a cow to keep the lawns under control","He calls it his lawn mooer." +"Her: I wish the man upstairs blessed you with some brains","Me: Why the hell is there a man upstairs" +"How can you tell if a real estate agent is British","They’re all about proper tea" +"Got my coworkers with this one. Did you know these work lamps burn 500 watts an hour. How'd you find that out","I did a little light reading" +"About my light drinking years Context: My friends and I were playing an RPG (along the lines of DnD) over skype. I was describing a past event in my perpetually ridiculously drunken bard's life. Friend 1: So wait, were you drunk at this moment. Friend 2: Do you need to ask. Me: Well, I only had a few pints of whiskey that evening. In terms of drinking, those were my light years. Friend 1: Would you say that those were your. buzzed light years","So many levels of pun, I couldn't believe it" +"What’s a math teacher’s favorite bus","A rhombus" +"I met someone online and challenged her to see who could do something faster, and when I looked back she was gone","I E-raced her" +"A mormon dad walks into a hotel. So a Mormon dad walks into a hotel lobby and says to the clerk, I sure hope your porn is disabled","The clerk looks at him and says, no it's just regular porn you sick f*ck" +"I wanted to build a railroad. But","I couldn’t stay on track" +"What do you call a ghost's fart","A spirit bomb" +"When I am older, I am going to have a child","That way I won't just be a joke, I will be a dad joke" +"I've got to pee my dad would say sometimes at the dinner table. Then hand me a two pence coin","I wouldn't be surprised if it's already posted here, I'm amazed there are so many dad jokes since my dad will recycle only a couple haha" +"Made my dad chuckle at his birthday dinner Waiter: And would you like to start your meal with soup or salad","Me: What makes the salad 'super" +"Why are skeletons so calm","Because nothing gets under their skin" +"this link says everything we need to know about dadjokes. http://i. imgur. com/VrBC752","jpg" +"How does a blind man learn how to make Mexican food","Taco Braille" +"Asked my daughter why she wasn't dressed for school properly today. Her: I'm wearing my uniform; what's wrong with that. Me: Today is national Ballerina Day; you're supposed to wear your ballet attire. Her: Today is national Ballerina Day. Me: Yes. Today is national Ballerina Day - it's '**2/2**'","Family at table: *Groan*" +"My wife gets really mad when I hide all the kitchen utensils","But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take" +"You can't not say it In a freak accident today,a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him","To be fair,the people who were being photographed did try to warn him" +"A groaner from my old man on a recent car trip. Me: I don't know what it is, but my phone always goes into roaming when I drive into Maryland Dad: Would you prefer if it was greeking. Me:","Jesus Dad: No, I'm Jim, but close" +"I'm A New Dad. My wife to our daughter as we entered a grocery store: Honey, do you want to sit in the cart again. Me: I highly doubt she wants to sit in a sweater","A few seconds later I could almost hear the light bulb click on over my wife's head and I got smacked in the arm" +"What’s the worst part about being an egg","You only get laid once and it’s by your mom" +"Think of a number between 5 and 15. Multiply by 2, add 3, and subtract 7 from the answer. Now close your eyes","Dark, isn’t it" +"Today this vegetarian swore she knew me","But I never met herbivore" +"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't return when thrown","A stick" +"What do you call a deer with no eyes","NO Idear What do you call a DEER with no EYES and no LEGS STILL NO IDEAR" +"What do thoughtful people eat from","A contemplate" +"I named my store sane. So when people enter","I can tell them they're insane" +"My elementary school was so disorderly","They had no principles" +"Do trees poop","Of course, that’s how we get number 2 pencils" +"My wife saw me sneezing in the bathroom and said it's gross","I said It'Snot" +"So Microsoft Office goes to Jail. Word and Powerpoint get stuck together. For the first few months they hated each other but overtime they got to know each other better and became really good friends. After about a year Powerpoint found a hole in the wall to escape through. He really wanted to tell Word but he knew only he could escape or would seriously risk getting caught. So Powerpoint fled that next night but he left a letter to Word saying that he was sorry for leaving and explained that their friendship has changed him and the way he looks at life","TL;DR Powerpoint escaped through hidden Access with a new Outlook, while Word is stuck in jail with Onenote and an Excel mate" +"What’s ET short for","He’s only got little legs" +"Got my wife good this morning. I'm making hash browns and she says we need to get a griddle . My response, yeah, maybe we can get a Hansell to go with it . I may be sleeping on the couch tonight gents","Worth it" +"As a scarecrow people say that I’m outstanding in my field","But hay, it’s in my jeans" +"Why is R so far behind in the alphabet","Because of the Q" +"People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain","Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision" +"Went to lunch with my dad. As my dad is looking over the menu at **Blazing Onion**, he asks the waitress what all the hype over the **Wild Boar Burger** was about. The waitress responds with, * Well, it's made from real boar and everyone who tries it, loves it. It's so popular that we usually run out on the weekends*. He orders it, and when it comes, he begins slowly chewing it with a less than enthusiastic look on his face. I ask, *Not very good, huh*. He looks a me with an expressionless face for a few moments before saying, *Eh, it's alright. It's just a* **real bore**","*GROAN*" +"Why do Bears always poop in the woods","Because that's where the toilet trees are" +"Went to a Mary Poppins themed restaurant last night","Super cauliflower cheese but the lobster was atrocious" +"Why do you never see any whales hiding in trees","Cause they’re so darn good at it" +"Have you heard about the trashtag challenge","Apparently, it's sweeping the nation" +"What color is the wind","Blew" +"I bought my shoes from a drug dealer","I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day" +"(Cleaning up after dinner) Mom: Hey I think I'm gonna save this chicken","Dad: I think it's too late for that" +"When I turned 16, my dad told me it was time to get a job. “When I was your age, my very first job I had I worked with over 500 people under me. “Wow. ” I said. “Was it some big corporation. ” “No","” He replied, “I mowed the lawn in the cemetery" +"Went grocery shopping with my dad Me: I forgot where the orange juice is again","Dad: Sounds like you really need to concentrate" +"I hate those Russian nesting dolls","They’re so full of themselves" +"My son, who’s into astronomy, asked me how stars die","&#x200B; “Usually an overdose, son,” I told him" +"A horse walks into a bar","Thats minus 4 points for his show jumping score" +"What Canadian province has the most brass instruments","Many Tuba" +"How to recover something you swallow. Be patient","It will come out" +"Can't imagine someone not understanding what erectile dysfunction is","I mean, it's not very hard." +"What do you call an Iranian who can't stop talking","I don't know, they just keep bablyon" +"I'm thinking about writing a book about light bulbs","I think its a pretty bright idea" +"Light said to the wall","There’s something shady behind you" +"What do you call a pirate with two eye patches","Stevie Plunder" +"What happened to the frog who got stuck on the highway","He got toad" +"What is a seal's favorite subject in school","Art" +"How did the owls get away with the heist in Machu Picchu. They were Inca Hoots","My friend proudly told me how he got his daughter with this one" +"America is home of the king sized everything","Even our Ariana's are grande" +"A lawyer walks into the bar","And passes" +"Think I got myself. Went to bed late last night. Was in a dream, just sitting there with a random stranger. Stranger looks over at me. STRANGER: Knock, knock. ME: Who's there. STRANGER: Interrupting REM Sleep","Then I woke up" +"What are the strongest days of the week. Saturday and Sunday","the rest are weekdays" +"Just so you know When 4 people have sex together, it’s call a foursome. When three people have sex together its called the threesome","Now I hope you understand what is meant when people say you are handsome" +"A man obsessed with tractors A 22 year-old man was obsessed with tractors, so much so that he had no social life outside of his fascination with farm machinery. His mother eventually intervened, forcing him to throw away all of his tractor merchandise and ordered him to find himself a girlfriend. The man went to a bar that night in search of a partner and encountered a beautiful blonde. After exchanging pleasantries, the two moved outside in order to have a proper conversation away from the music. As they ventured into the smoking area, the woman complained that she hated the cigarette fumes which had engulfed them. Without flinching, the man took a huge, deep breath and inhaled all of the second-hand smoke in the vicinity. Staring on in amazement, the woman asks how he could possibly have removed the smoke from the room","The man turns back to her and replies: I'm an ex tractor fan" +"You know mountains aren't just funny","They're hill-areas" +"My father suffers from short term memory loss","I hope it doesn't run in the family, as my dad has it" +"What's the name of the Mexican who lost his car","Carlos" +"I had a maths exam this morning, everyone's asking How did you find the exam","I say Well I looked down at my desk and there it was" +"My dad made his own remix to Drop It Like It's Hot Years ago my dad brought my friend and I hot chocolate and we happened to be listening to Drop It Like It's Hot by Snoop Dogg","He came in singing drink it while it's hot, drink it while it's hot" +"Asked My Date To Meet Me At The Gym, But She Never Showed Up","Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out" +"Did you hear about the psychic dwarf who broke out of prison last night","There's a small medium on the large" +"Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face","” That was the punchline" +"I asked my dad if I could have a roll of toilet paper for my apartment. He said, [Son]. You need to get your shit together","He gave me the roll" +"Does explaining a Dad Joke make it funnier","No, it just makes it not plain" +"Dad at a get together. Having a family get together after several of my relatives got pregnant when the conversation turns to this fact one says: Ahhh there must be something in the air. Well, their legs","he calmly explained beer in hand and staring into thin air" +"Why don't more guys helicopter their penis in front of their girlfriends","Because that's a dick move" +"Martin. Freeman (Bilbo) and. Andy. Serkis (Gollum) are in. Black. Panther. They're the two","Tolkien white guys" +"Pops came through with a classic Dad- Hey pass the Dad whip Me- The what","Dad- Oh sorry the cool whip Me- -_-" +"I gave away all of my dead batteries today","Free of charge" +"My. Dad's. Finest. From. Today. Dad (via text): The man is here to do your car . Me: Awesome, let me know how it goes please","Dad: Brmm brmm" +"How about this one","**1**" +"Some guy on the Bachelorette set me up on this one Some of my family was watching the Bachelorette the other night and they were introducing some of the contestants and what their jobs are. One of the contestants was an erectile dysfunction specialist","Well that doesn't sound like a very hard job I cracked up at myself" +"I've had to sit through 4 classes about surface tension so far","It's getting a little over the top" +"What's a sugar pill that looks like a ghost","PlaceBOO" +"TIFU by letting my dog give birth to a litter of puppies","I have no clue when their next birthday will be..." +"In the biggest secret reveal yet, we now know. Spongebob was not the star of his show","Patrick was." +"Hey, do you have a jar. That door is ajar","Only one person in the group heard it, and was very angry" +"Saw this on yik yak today. Chinese takeout: $10. 45 Gas roundtrip to pick up takeout: $3","78 Getting home and realizing you're missing one container: riceless" +"You mist it. We where at Safeway in the produce section my wife was looking at something random and i noticed the produce misters came on. I Exclaimed to my son hey look at that. My wife and son both started looking around over by the misters and asked what","I said never mind you mist it got some looks and eye rolls from the people next to us as well as my wife haha" +"My buddy and I bought a big bag of clam meat to fry up, but he's already getting sick of them","I asked him if he was suffering from Mussel Fatigue" +"What do you call a psychic midget that escaped from jail","A small medium at large" +"It is with a heavy heart I announce","I have a lead pacemaker" +"My friend is considering selling lamps but. I advised against it","Seems like a shady business" +"I ordered fajitas at a restuarant tonight. and my 7 yo son asked why the pan they bring to the table is so hot. I replied, well, they aren't called facoldas, are they. He rolled his eyes and my wife groaned","I smiled and enjoyed my fajitas" +"(NSFW)Son is holding a tape measure. at his crotch and stretches it out till the tip touches his girlfriend's lips and says, You are 39 inches away from being a cock sucker","I could not help myself and say, Sorry to hear about your micropenis" +"I saw a guy walking down the street wearing one shoe. I asked him, did you lose a shoe","And he answered, No, I FOUND one" +"You'll never starve in the desert","Because of all the sand-which-is there" +"regnartsneve is a strange word","but backwards, it's even stranger" +"Two clowns are eating a cannibal","One says to the other, “I think we got this joke wrong" +"My wife groaned so hard at this one. I walked up to my wife and said: I knew a girl named Kathleen Lucky who married a Chinese man that won the lottery while they were on honeymoon. When she came back and I saw her I said, Kathleen Lucky-Yiu","(Lucky is a known last name where I live, so there may be some cultural context with this one)" +"I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes. But","I can't find a reliable sauce on that." +"Why would someone ever wanna have sex with a train","They must have a pretty loco motive to wanna do something like that" +"My cousin got himself a cochlear implant today, just in time for us to wish him","A happy new ear" +"My GF came back from a therapeutic massage. She told me the masseuse was shocked at how stiff it was","I told her I have that too sometimes" +"My son's first dad joke My wife, 2 year old son, and I were traveling this past week and went through a drive thru for lunch. After finishing his meal, my son was trying to figure out what the bag said. Not being able to turn around and see what he is seeing, the following exchange took place. Wife Do you know what the letters are on the bag. Son Yes. Wife Tell me what the letters are Son A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z. Me Was that his first dad joke","Wife He is definitely your son and rolled her eyes" +"What has two butts and kills people","An assassin" +"Band festival I was talking to my dad about this band festival in an amusement park. Me:. Ya they closed down the whole park just for the band people only. Dad: Why would they even let the banned people into the park if they are already banned","continues to laugh for over half an hour and now tries to bring it up every second" +"Why did the bear photographer get disqualified from the Olympics","He took Polarorids" +"Never buy flowers from a monastery. Because only","YOU can prevent florist friars." +"Why are cows so tired after giving birth","Because they've been de-calf-inated" +"What do you call a chicken who trips over its own feet","Scrambled legs" +"What is it called when a Scotsman agrees with you in equal measure","An aye for an aye" +"He repeated this joke more than once at the grocery store. Me: we need finely shredded sharp cheddar cheese Dad: well it's about time they shredded it","Me: -_-" +"My wife and her family are always late for every appointment","I heard her ancestors got to the US in the Juneflower" +"There are three kinds of people in this world","Those who are good at math, and those who aren’t" +"When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally","Classic rook-y mistake" +"My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall","But it was his own dumb asphalt" +"Avengers Infinity War Spoiler https://i. imgur. com/sjaEc27","jpg" +"What did the sea monster say to the comedian","You're kraken me up" +"I just called my local game stop","They said please hold" +"We have a normal toilet","Or as I say it’s bog standard" +"My Boss at work pulled this one on me The other day at work when my boss and I were both wearing Toms shoes: Me: Ugh my feet are so sweaty Boss: Me too and these shoes aren't even mine. Me: Ew what. Boss: These shoes aren't mine","they're Tom's" +"A guy robbed a house. A guy robbed a house and spilled some grape juice. Thankfully though, he managed to wipe it up before it left a stain","I guess you could say it was a stainless steal" +"If you sit on a toilet seat, you are connecting your butthole to a city network of buttholes","And that's a huge ass connection" +"A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. Uno, dos. *poof*","He disappeared without a tres" +"I got my wife some lipstick made from vodka, but she hates it","She says it keeps Smirnoff" +"What do chickens do when they need to go back home and rest","Recuperate" +"My father and I were watching a drug deal in a movie. When the trunk was opened to reveal numerous bags of cocaine. Me: Look at all this powdered sugar","Dad: Sweet" +"“How long have you been chopping wood for. ” “Not sure","Let me check the logs" +"What do you call a surgical examination of a person addicted to high fives","An uptopsy" +"What job does a trans-woman have","Postman" +"Apple just gave me the new. U2 album","It was pro-Bono." +"Just spent a week on holiday with my parents Between me and my dad, there were constant dad jokes all the time, here are a few. Dad: Your mother repeats herself a lot. Me: Did you say she repeats herself. As in she says the same thing over and over. Like saying the same thing again and again. Like repeating herself. Maybe she does repeat herself a lot. _________ Mum: The music in here is very loud. Dad: What. Me: WHAT. _________ Mum: Can't you read that sign over there. Your vision isn't very good Me: Who said that","_________ Mum: Your father has put on a bunch of weight this holiday, he's afraid of the scales Dad: I told you I don't like fish _________ Mum: Can you put the kettle on Dad: I don't think it would look good on me _________ There were loads more but I can't remember at the moment" +"What do you call a magic dog","A labracadabrador" +"I read an article earlier that said it actually takes three sheep to make one sweater…","I didn't even know they could knit!" +"I bought a dictionary the other day, but when. I got home it was just blank pages. I have no words to. Express how angry","I am." +"OK,","Austria-Hungary are playing today… but against whom?" +"Only anti vaxers will get it","Polio" +"Got my wife while potty training our daughter. My daughter tried to go poop today for the first time on the potty. It didn't go well. There was one that got away if you know what I mean. She got excited and ran out of the bathroom without being properly cleaned up. It ended up on the rug in her room (she has a brown and green rug so it blended right in) and my wife found it by stepping on it. I had to run to the store to get some carpet cleaner. I get home and she has it mostly cleaned up. This is where it starts: Wife: I got most of it out already. Me: Ok. I'll get the rest with the cleaner. Wife: I scrubbed it pretty good for like twenty minutes. Me: To get it that clean, I thought it would have taken about turd-y minutes","She groaned and my son and I laughed" +"The moon landing never happened","It’s still in the sky" +"What's in the middle of the Olympic sprinter's hyphenated last name. a 100 meter dash. Edit: Previously I had 60 meter dash . Turns out that was indoor sprinting and not Olympics","Fixed" +"Dadjoked this morning. Cue sporadic fits of laughter. Me: I feel bad for Mitt Romney. Mitt is such a stupid name. What kind of parent names their kid Mitt","Dad: Well gee, I think it fits like a glove" +"I was outside blowing bubbles with my girlfriend just now. As they flew away. I said 'These things really take my breath away'","I got back to back groans" +"Do you know how copper wire was invented","Two lawyers fighting over a penny" +"Sleep. It's all about preparation. Mum was out shopping and calling Dad excitedly at some new bedding she'd found. It's so us, it will help your back, and it looks so so so comfortable. Come on, we've not had new bedding in years. I've chosen this amazing bed, sheets that go perfectly with our room. There's a deal where they throw in extras, like a U shaped pillow and then. Dad cut her off mid-flow and shouted OK. Do it. Let's get it. He relayed the conversation back to us and said he was really excited. Weeks later when the bed finally arrived he stood watching her unwrap the parts. I was just outside the room. He waited for his cue and when she opened the U shaped pillow - boom - he hit it, It looks nothing like me. He shouted. He turned to me and winked totally worth it he grinned at me. . … I was confused. . He said when I heard about the U shaped pillow I was so sold on the joke I had to let her buy it all . Yeah. Nice one dad","" +"Do you know what are the chemicals symbols for sodium, bromine and oxygen","Na BrO" +"At an auction at a Tourette's syndrome charity, I won a bid for an origami sculpture of scissors made by Dwayne Johnson. To emphasize the charity's cause, he replaced a bad word with a family-friendly word on his origami scissors","The Rock's paper scissors said Shoot" +"Going to pay some bills. Dad: Ok I'm going to pay some bills. Me: How many Bills do you know","He's retold it to friends" +"I threw a dictionary at a witch once. But I missed","If only I had more experience casting spells" +"That Ariana Grande","I like her music a latte, but her sister, Ariana Venti, is going to be an even bigger hit" +"I just swallowed a bunch of paint. The doctor says. I'm okay, but. I feel like","I've dyed a little bit inside" +"I thought someone robbed my book on The Illiad and the Odessey","But I was myth-taken" +"What do you call. Nucleic. Acid at the beach","A nucleotide 🧬🌊" +"Entertained a long elevator ride today. Why is corn the best audience. They are all ears","*elevator music intensifies" +"Some trees may look scary","But they are all bark and no bite." +"Sometimes. I tell dad jokes","Sometimes he laughs" +"Every time. I add food coloring to my butter chicken recipe","I dye a little inside." +"The dishwasher at work told me this one: What did the doctor say to the kid that didn't want stitches","Suture self" +"What's round on the end and hi in the middle","Ohio" +"Old classic. Where do you find a dog with no legs","Where you left it" +"I’m giving up being an electrician","I just conduit anymore" +"If you are afraid of pedophiles","Grow up" +"Got my fiancée tonight","Trying to open a condom but the wrapper wouldn't tear, man, they really childproof these things, huh?" +"Where does Bruce Wayne pee","In the Batroom" +"So my dad comes home from the barbershop","I ask him, Did you get a haircut He replies I didn't know we owned a rabbit" +"What do i have in common with movie script writers 99","9% of the things i try to do gets rejected by everyone" +"What fish goes good with peanut butter","Jellyfish" +"Friend got me So my friend and I were eating dinner at a restaurant on campus, and there was a limited-time special called the Alaska Salmon. Being curious, I asked my friend if he thought it would be good to try","He said, I don't know, I'll ask the salmon" +"Finally. a tree who's bite is worse than it's bark http://i. imgur. com/IN3Yz6C","png My dad is a professional dad" +"Apparently if you eat a polar bear's liver you'll get sick from too much vitamin A; someone suggested testing this so I called the butcher and asked them to send some over","But unfortunately they said they don't *deliver* polar bear" +"What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a sharp dressed man on a unicycle","Attire" +"Dadjoked a customer at work the other day. A woman came into my restaurant to pick up an order under the name April. So I responded An order for April. You're really early, is only January","Groaning by my coworkers ensued" +"Accidental Dad joke when my brother graduated. My brother graduated about 4 or 5 years ago now. When he did he phoned my mum to give her the verdict on his grades. I was asleep at the time and she yelled up the stairs to me to tell me the good news. > Mum: hey. Tom's graduated with a 2:2. > Me (half asleep): When did he take up ballet","It took me a while to figure out why my mum was laughing so hard" +"A friend called his cat 'batman'","just so he could say 'dinner dinner dinner dinner batman' when feeding the cat" +"Converting the numbers 51,6 and 500 into Roman Numerals doesn't just make me mad","It makes me LIVID" +"That's the thing about these goats","We've know them since they were kids" +"What is the difference between unlawful and illegal","Unlawful is something against the law, illegal is a sick bird" +"My wife asked me what I thought of having shredded cheese on my fajitas","I told her it sounded grate" +"How many potatoes does it take to kill an","Irish man? 0" +"What's brown and dirty","Dirt" +"I have a russian friend who’s a sound engineer","And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too" +"What do you call a Mexican midget. You call him paragraph","He is too short to be called essay" +"I just farted","No shit" +"How many puzzle pieces does it take to solve an anime puzzle. **One Piece","** &#x200B; Only a few people will understand it xD" +"What did the hyenas tell each other when being chased by a lion","Mufasa" +"How are trees in Minecraft mathematically sound. Because they got them square roots","" +"SpongeBob may be the main character of the show","But Patrick is the star" +"What would Earth be without art. Eh. Literally just had this one made up by my 10 year old","So proud" +"What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant","About 5000 miles" +"I was telling my dad that I posted one of his jokes on here. I said, Have you heard of Reddit. He said, No, but I've seen it. Responding to a story about a dad joke with a dad joke","Classic dad" +"I work as an EMT and just had a patient who got his entire left side cut off after an awful accident","Don't worry, though, he's all right now" +"What is the favorite form of foreplay for giraffes","Necking" +"My hometown is currently having a sale where all the shops put merchandise on the sidewalk at discounted prices Me: Oh look, the sidewalk sale is this weekend","Dad: Why would anyone come into town just to buy a sidewalk" +"I used to hate facial hair","Then it grew on me" +"Ran out of candy early last night","had to retreat" +"My grandmother led a great life so we made sure to cremate her","Because she urned it" +"Why do cherry trees smell","Because George Washington cut one" +"I. Took an. Introduction to. Shakespeare. Class","He never showed up." +"“Hey Doctor, can I administer my own anaesthetic. ” Doctor: Go ahead","Knock yourself out" +"Why are people in Budapest always looking for food","Because their country is Hungary" +"Man, I just love whiteboards","They're just simply remarkable" +"I went to a new zoo a few days ago, the only animal they had was a dog. It was a. Shih","Tzu." +"My son and I went camping yesterday when he asked me how to start a campfire. I explained, You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same","Then you’ll have a match" +"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer","I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day" +"My daughter(7) just caught me off guard with this. Daughter : Whats Nana's middle name. Me: the same as mommies, I think Daughter: her middle name is just i think. I'm so proud","Sorry if I don't know how to format, I tried" +"My grandpa always told me there are two important rules in life: 1:","Never give out all the information." +"Why did Adele cross the road","So she could say Hello from the other side" +"I asked my father if he knew any finish carpenters. He replied Nope, only. Canadian carpenters and a couple of","Americans" +"Can anyone tell me why Canadian bees are so different to US bees. [I mean side by side, US bees don't even have legs. ](https://i. imgur. com/EoPnT13","jpg)" +"The past, present and future walk in a bar","It was tense" +"My tour guide just did this dadjoke So we were in glenwood springs and went into the caves. It seemed like a really normal tour and just as we're about to exit, the guide tells us to put our ears on the wall of the cave. We all did assuming it was some cool feature of the cave. The guide asks us what we think we're listening to. Some reply water and others reply erosion","The guide tells us we're wrong and all we're doing is listening to hard rock" +"My sister told me to shut the duck up","I told her to stop using fowl language" +"A sheep dog says to the farmer, I'm going to round up the sheep. The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, we only have 48 sheep","The dog replies, Yea, I told you I was going to round them up" +"Why do teenage girls like larger prime numbers","Because they can't even" +"If. I was a rapper, my street name would be. Iced. Ink. Because","I just farted." +"Do you have pop upstairs","No, we have normal stairs" +"Made a dad joke on Facebook. My dad friend mercilessly shows me how it's done My status: Any tips on how to keep raccoons from eating my corn crop. I'm all *ears. * But seriously raccoons are assholes. Dad friend responds back to back. There's a kernel of truth to that statement. But shucks, poor guys can't help it","Maybe get your dog to start stalking them" +"From my 6 yr old daughter: Why did Adele cross the road","To say hello from the other side" +"What do you call an everyday potato. A commentator","Courtesy of my grandpa, who called me just to tell me that" +"Elon Musk's engineers are helping with the Thai children in the cave","They have a boring job" +"What do you call criminals who use anonymous deepweb networks to share child pornography","TORPEDOS" +"What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves","Russle" +"ation. https://www. reddit. com/r/dadjokes/comments/ap9gqf/i_have_a_phd_in_procrastin/","utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app" +"Most common. Danish dad joke. Waiter:. Are you finnish(ed). Dad:. No. I'm","Danish" +"My friend was a little Russian Doll and he was very annoying so I said","you're so full of yourself" +"What do you call birds that stick together","Vel-crows" +"My wife hates the way. Trump pronounces. Nazi, so","I asked her if it's nazi-ating." +"Why don't you play cards with a pirate","They're always standing on the deck" +"Yo has anyone ever considered that prisoners don't really need beds","Cause there ain't no rest for the wicked" +"Who is the roundest knight of King Arthur’s round table","Sir Cumference Happy Pi Day everybody" +"Elevator dad joked So yesterday my friend, her mum, her grandad and I got into a packed elevator going up and the usual awkward silence happened. Grandad out of nowhere says quite loudly So, how's everyone's day going. most of the elevator stayed quiet while my friend and her mum went bright red until this fella on the other side just says things are going up now","I couldn't help but snort in laughter while everyone else kept their silence" +"I've been waiting for this, dad-joked my 3yr old son for the first time. Son: Do you want some Easter egg Daddy. Me: Yeah cheers mate but i'll save mine for Ron. Son: Who's Ron Daddy. Me: LATER-ON. HAHAHA","I'm still chuffed with myself" +"I wondered why my daughter was throwing all my Stephen King books around the room","And then… …IT hit me" +"My dad always used to say the same thing everytime we ate at a restaurant when on vacation. When the waiter asks Are you finished","No, we're swedish" +"What do you call a dinosaur with bad vision","A Do-you-think-he-sarus" +"Orion’s belt is such a waist of space. Terrible joke","Only three stars" +"Knock knock. Whose there. Solipsistic cow. Solipsistic cow who","“Meeeeeeeeeeeeeee”" +"You know what movie is really cool","Excaliburrrrrrr" +"How do you find Will Smith in the snow","Look for fresh prints" +"What's the most expensive type of nut","Cashews" +"Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory","Everyone was hit with da Brie" +"How many members does the klu klux klan have","3k" +"Who was the president that was never guilty. Abe Lincoln","He was in a cent" +"Air used to be free at gas stations, but now it costs $1. Yep","Inflation" +"I burned 2000 calores yesterday","Left the brownies in the oven for too long" +"What is it called when you spend an hour in the bookstore browsing for German philosophers","A Schopenhauer" +"What do you call a pony with a sore throat","A little hoarse" +"Storks don’t live with any remorse","Nor egrets" +"It's my cakeday so here's a freebie. What do you call a ghost who's invited to a meal with friends","A dinnergiest" +"I went out on a first date with this girl. We went ice skating but we got kicked out","We were starting to break the ice" +"What do you call a sheep with no legs","A cloud" +"What do you call a purple dog","A grape dane" +"New invention for detecting boob sweat. I shall call it the","Humidititty" +"Got the wife She asked me if I could reach the fan and make it go higher","I pushed up on the fan and said It won't go any higher, there's a pole in the way" +"What does the zoologist do after he classifies animals","Phylum" +"My sister did a dadjoke, so proud","We where talking about cameras and then got sidetracked, then my sister said Guys, focus, focus I almost died from laughing" +"What happens when one of your butt implants deflates","You're half assing it" +"Have you heard of whiteboards","They're a pretty remarkable invention" +"Why doesn't anyone respect the cow's opinion","Because their point is moo" +"Dad: what’s that noise coming from your closet","Son: It’s narnia business, dad" +"Friends dad asked if my jacket is felt I said actually its polyester Then he put his hand on my shoulder and said it is now","God damn it" +"I went to the therapist after my phone died","I just needed an outlet" +"What do you call a cheap circumcision","A rip off" +"A farmer is milking a cow As he is milking, a fly comes along and flies into the cow's ear. A little while later, the farmer notices the fly in the milk","The farmer says Hmm, in one ear, out the udder" +"Why did the stadium get hot after the baseball game","Because all the fans left" +"30 seconds after. I realize pieces of ice are hitting the car. I get a text","Dad: what the hail is going on" +"I just got my dad because I learned from the best. Talking about google docs Dad: I'm having trouble syncing. Me: You should probably add more iron to your diet. Dad: ha. Ha","Ha" +"I guffawed; others groan From my future father-in-law: Two owls were sitting on a perch","One looks at the other and says, Do you smell fish" +"What kind of driver doesn’t need a license","A screwdriver" +"Dad joke at a garage sale. There was a pile of clothes with tags on and the sign, Never been worn . Next to it was a stack of tupperware with the sign, Never been used","Finally there was a painting with its own sign - Never been looked at" +"Why do we think the turtle is the wisest animal","Because it has tortoise so much" +"A slightly NSFW dad joke from my dad. Back when I was in high school I asked my parents about our heritage. My mom started listing off various things she knew before turning to my dad and asking, Didn't your grandma have some Cherokee in her. My dad, with an evil smirk forming on his face said, I think that's a personal question. My mom was [not amused. ](http://www. wearysloth. com/Gallery/ActorsA/tve591-19870919-1839","jpg)" +"I'm turning into my dad So yesterday at work my boss decided to bring a pumpkin and pecan pie into our office for everyone to share. As i'm handed my piece and start to dig in to this glorious, delicious pie I say I Pe-can't believe how good this pie is","Everyone bowed their heads in shame but I raised mine in victory" +"20 years ago, my girlfriend’s parking brake went out","Our relationship went downhill fast." +"Son: Mom, Dad, I’m gay. Dad: clenches fist Mom: DON’T Dad: *sweats profusely* Mom:","Dad: HI GAY I’M DAD" +"I came across this gem earlier","Emerald" +"How does nasa organize a party","They planet" +"Did you hear about the motivational speaker who took long breaks in his speech","The title of the talk was Think Pausitively" +"What do you call Hermione living in the desert","Sandwich" +"I’m reading a book about anti-gravity","It’s impossible to put down" +"I don’t like pooping in the morning","It’s just a real shitty way to start off the day" +"A kid asks his dad “What happens after we die. ” The Dad says “Well, I imagine that it’s a whole lot like before you were born","Absolutely amazing" +"Living on earth is expensive","But at least you get a free trip around the sun each year" +"How did cats get 9 lives","When the dogs are the canines?" +"I don't use units of time","Those are for the week" +"What did the dad say when reversing his car","Ahh, this takes me back" +"My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her","So I hit her over the head with my X-Box" +"My buddy might not be my dad, but he is definitely A dad. I got to work and said to my friend, Dude, I saw two people hit deer on the way to work this morning To which he immediately replied, How do you know those deer were on their way to work","Harrrrrrrrr" +"[X-post from r/jokes]. Making a new password like. Me: beefstew. Computer:","Password not stroganoff." +"Going to the mall with my dad We get to the front doors and he says, Let me get the door for you","He just steps on the pad to open the automatic doors" +"Didn't see that one coming. **Dad**: Did I tell you about the holiday party I went to last week. **Me**: No. **Dad**: I met a woman with a *Merry Christmas* tattoo on one thigh, and a *Happy New Year* tattoo on the other","She said that everyone was welcome to come up between the holidays" +"I was gonna give archery a shot","But there’s too many drawbacks" +"How do you know the letters A through Y are all evil letters","Because they're all not Z's" +"600 years in waiting Exploring Blarney Castle, built in 1446, with my family. Son: I found a new room","Me: I imagine it's pretty old, actually" +"Did you hear about the clam that never shared","How shellfish" +"What is the Chiropractor’s side hustle","Crack dealer" +"What did the 8 say to infinity","I told you balancing like this isn't at easy as it looks, but you just went on and on" +"Got in a fight with my step ladder today","I just wish it'd quit trying to replace my *real* ladder" +"Do you know what kind of bird originates from Portugal","Portu-geese" +"The wife bought a universal remote for the house","I said to her well this changes everything" +"I'm not a Tailor","But I know what suits me" +"In an effort to be healthy,. I’ve started to put my meats on a slope","It makes them lean" +"I just got charged 100k at the barber's. I said 'I thought is was supposed to be 10 for a haircut'","He said 'It is but I chopped off more than 1'" +"I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits","I got off on a peel" +"Did you hear about the constipated accountant","He couldn’t budget" +"What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo","One's reaaaalllllyyyy heavy, and the other one's a little lighter" +"Today the butcher at my work. Farted, then whips around real quick and says. You hear what the asshole just called me","I laughed for 45 minutes straight" +"Decided. I’m gonna open a purse shop in. Iraq. Think. I’ll call it","Bagdad" +"What did Dumbledore say to Hagrid when he graduated from Hogwarts","You're a Harry, Wizard" +"Saw this on the Rockford Files Rockford to Bartender: I'm trying to run down a friend of mine","Bartender: Why don't you get a truck" +"Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, No, just leave it in the carton. P. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new","appreciate it" +"What's the difference between a dad joke and a regular joke","One has parental guidance" +"Have you met the girl who hadn't used a rangefinder camera before","She's Leica virgin" +"You're not a really good dresser","You make a better nightstand" +"When birds are flying in a V-formation, why is one side of the V longer than the other","Because there are more birds on that side" +"Who just lost his car","Carlos" +"I went bobsleighing the other day…. Killed 11","Bobs…" +"What do we call a crime scene of a crime done by spiders","It's their WEB site" +"A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly. Lorraine dies suddenly","At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone" +"I farted while putting the baby to sleep, and it startled her and woke her up","She got a second wind" +"I just told him a terrible dadjoke and he called the cops on me.","I was charged with assault with a dadly weapun" +"I accidentally bumped into a guy at the cafe and spilled my coffee all over him","Judging from the espresso on his face, he's not too happy with me" +"My dad threw this gem at me","I have a head injury now" +"My girlfriend was eating some cheese and salami on crackers. She accidentally cut off a very large piece of the Salami. I told her it was a muenster. She just stared at me flatly so I apologized","I told I was sorry for such a cheesy joke" +"Got my Nephew with the best Dad joke of my life This was during Thanksgiving but I just remembered it the other day in the car. For Thanksgiving our family and in-laws all got a cabin in east TN. This cabin had a room with a pool table and in that room it had a door to the outside. Well my 12 year old nephew and I would go to play pool a lot and once time while we were down there I took my shoes off and they smelled terrible. So I decided to put them outside using the aforementioned door. Then the best set up of my life happened: My nephew said Don't put them outside, the bears will eat them. Me: No they wont, they might take them but they won't eat them Nephew: why not. Me: Because they have have bear feet My nephew just stared at me, and I sat there looking like suspense eel waiting for him to get it","and he said uncle fr0zen_yettiiii that was lame" +"I once won an argument against an amputee","As it turns out, he didn't have a leg to stand on" +"Why does a chicken coop have two doors","Cos if it had four it’d be a chicken sedan" +"JACKPOT. I recently met 2 Thai girls and they said that meeting me was like winning the lottery","To my surprise we had 6 matching balls" +"What do you call a thieving alligator","A crookodile" +"My. Headphones still worked after. I accidentally washed them. Once. I told my dad he replied Wow,","I bet there's cleaner sound too!" +"(US version) Why do companies like AT&T and Verizon do well. They cell phones. (Uk version) Why do companies like EE and O2 ban women called Maureen’s from stores. Because MO BUY ALL (mobile) phones","I work in a phone shop so I may have found these funnier than I should have" +"I asked my dad. My dad was looking distracted the other day, so I asked him how he was feeling","He looked at me for a moment, then replied; With my hands" +"Why does Waldo only wear stripes","Because he doesn't want to be spotted" +"Did you hear the rumor about butter","Well, I'm not going to spread it" +"What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son","Dyson" +"My mom just dad-joked me in the freezing cold I live in East Tennessee and it's freezing. Mom was giving me some money for gas","She called it cold hard cash and died laughing" +"Told my dad I was sick with diarrhea","Hope you get your shit together soon" +"Is Google Assistant a dad. http://i. imgur. com/KD1dxhgh","jpg" +"My library threw me out today when I tried to return some novels","Said they were overbooked" +"Got the ladyfriend Her: I need a new bra. Me: But I'm already your bra","She didn't talk to me for a while" +"My wife is mad at me, she says I have no sense of direction","So I packed my bags and right" +"A Hawaiian man was out looking for a job","Apparently he was leied off" +"This Covid situation must be really stressful for the flat earthers","Social distancing will really push them over the edge" +"My brother dadjoked his teacher the other day. My brother was at his humanities class and he had to draw a picture of his house from a archeological standpoint (don't ask me why this was asked in Humanities because I have no idea). Anyway, his teacher came up to his table and asked: Do you have your house with you . My brother responded with No, but I have a drawing of it","His teacher then said: get out (her father is very much a dad)" +"Me and my wife were getting ready together in the bathroom this morning and she told me that she wanted to see other people. So","I told her that’s not how mirrors work" +"Its a five minute walk to my pub, but a 15 minute walk back","The difference is 3 reposts in a week" +"What side of a duck has the most feathers","The outside of course" +"A rabbit was in the middle of a turn off","Due to it I missed my turn by a hare" +"Sometimes people ask me 'What's your favourite dad joke","' I reply 'hey, my name's not Joke, and I don't have a favourite dad'" +"When a clock gets hungry","It goes back four seconds" +"Just tricked my family with this one Just to liven up a boring car journey >Me: What's a pirates favourite letter. >Aunt and Dad: [*Rolls eyes*] Rrrrr",">Me: Ah you'd think so, but their true love be for the C" +"My battery died yesterday. It was","AA tragedy" +"I have 15 kids and was accused of being poor with birth control. I resent that","I'm great at telling my wife to push during the contractions" +"The police are investigating the death of a man who was killed with a can of chickpeas","It's an obvious case of hummuscide" +"What do cavemen do on the weekends","They go clubbing" +"I'm 38, and. I really want to buy a synthesizer. I think. I'm having a","MIDI-life crisis." +"Why can't Dalmatians play hide and seek","Because they're always spotted" +"My house is infested with insects, but at least they are helping me with my taxes","They're account ants" +"I don't trust people who do acupuncture","They're all back stabbers" +"Why couldn't the book walk","It's spine was broken" +"What kind of shoes do artists wear","Sketchers" +"Why was the musician late for practice","Because he had A♭" +"What do you call an alligator in a vest","An investigator" +"The NHL is changing their sports goods vendor","The last one didn't give a puck" +"Why wasn't the giant squid terrorising ships last night","He was too busy Kraken open a cold one with the Buoys" +"What do you call a crash test dummy that doesn’t want to do anything","A pro-crash-tinator" +"Next time I wash my pants, I'm gonna check my pockets for cash","I wouldn't want to get arrested for money laundering" +"I had to sell my hoover","Because it was just collecting dust" +"What’s the upside to being addicted to braking fluid","Its real easy to stop" +"A pun walks into a bar, ten people die on the spot","Pun in, ten dead" +"Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan","That was the highlight of my day" +"I was addicted to. The. Hokey. Pokey. Luckily,","I turned myself around." +"Why was the mushroom invited to the party","Because he was a fungi" +"Can anyone here donate to an organization making seats","We’re a Chairity" +"My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot","**It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away" +"Girlfriend dropped this dadjoke on me. A husband wrote a letter to his wife and it said, When. I die have my body cremated, sprinkle my ashes into. Wendy's chili, and eat it so","I can tear that ass up one more time." +"I can't help worrying that someone'll steal my bag of. German sausages. Though","I try to remind myself it's just the wurst-case scenario." +"So. I went to get a massage and. I didn't really like the guy giving the massage,. I don't know","I guess he just rubbed me the wrong way." +"When I was a kid, my Dad put a label on a spatula that read Tina . He said it was our Tina Turner","Keep on turnin', do-do-do-do-do-do" +"I'm going to disappear without a trace Uno","dos" +"What do you call it when two earthworms hate each other","Ground beef" +"let me see if i can find a cheese grater","My response either way, it will be great" +"Accidentally made my wife cry with this one Me- I feel like you don't love me as much any more. Her- What. Why. Me- You haven't kissed me nearly as much this year as you did last year. She laughed and then cried just a bit because she thought I might be serious at first","Now I feel bad" +"I met a scary looking guy on a golf course the other day","It was the Bogey-Man" +"What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old","Aye matey" +"Why do cows wear bells","Because their horns don't work" +"My sisters boyfriend dadjoked her. I asked my sister if she knew any jazz that I would like","She said Miles Davis , and then her boyfriend said Is there a Kilometers Davis" +"What do you call a sharp, Native American, ghost","Pokey-haunt-us" +"Did you hear about the man stuck in a room at absolute zero","Don’t worry, he’s 0 K" +"A snake walks into a bar","The bartender says how did you do that" +"What is the difference between an ocean and a sea","A sea is a letter and an ocean is wetter" +"Had to say goodbye to my Hispanic father in the city","Ciudad" +"What do you call an acid with an attitude","A-mean-oh acid" +"Time flies like an arrow","But fruit flies like a banana." +"How do you measure millennials","In Instagrams" +"My close friend lied to me. I asked, Just how honest are you","I'm exactly dis honest, he said" +"I. Once. Got 100. Upvotes. For. Posting. About. My. New. Electric. Fan. I. Guess. You. Could. Say. I. Have. An “Upblowing","Fan-Base”" +"Two guys walk into a bar","the third one ducks" +"I've been thinking about the pros and cons of becoming a pirate","On the one hand, I like stealing treasure, but on the other hand, I don't want to have to wear a hook" +"Life is like a dick","Sometimes it gets hard for no reason" +"There's a magician who can fold even the highest-quality guitars in half","He's known as the Fender bender" +"What do Michigan state and cannabis have in common","They're both green and get smoked in bowls" +"Whar do you call it when someone has an affinity with digging","dignity" +"If a man and woman need a marriage licence, what do two women need","A liquor licence" +"When you order a large combo meal in north korea what size is your drink","1 supreme liter" +"Why does Lord Voldemort have Twitter, but not Facebook","He only has followers, not friends" +"What do you call a belt lined with watches","A waist of time" +"Accidentally set my dad up for a good one today I dunno how it came up but we were talking about incompetent people having children: Me: you should have to pass a course before you're allowed to have a child Dad: You do. Intercourse","Me: *instant regret followed by hysterical laughter*" +"I was telling my dad about me getting scratches from running too close to a bush","He said you shouldn't mess with former presidents." +"I tried to get into the library today","But they were all booked out" +"My dad and I were out for steak last night when the manager came around and asked How did you find your steak","Dad goes, I just moved the potato and there it was" +"My dad just told me he had a new response to the question Are you all right","No, I'm half left" +"Peak dad moment when my 5yo son said: What do you call a tornado that lays lots of eggs","A spawnado" +"Dadjoked in the. Archery final. Commentator:. He's gonna need to score high, 10, 10 and more 10s. Dad:","So what you're saying is it's going to be a tens final?" +"My dad noticed a truck carrying logs on the interstate this morning Dad: If those fall off, it'll make mathematical music Me: What. Why","Dad: They'll fall to the sound of the natural log rhythm" +"What’s the difference between broccoli and boogers","Kids won’t eat broccoli" +"I work in a call centre. Basically people ring in and complain about certain items they bought. This one guy rang in and was ranting about how disgusting his bananas were. The conversation went like this. Him: Yea this is ridiculous, if I had've known when I bought them that they were this disgusting I'd never have got them at all Me: Why, what exactly is wrong with them. Him: They all black, and bruised. They look like they've been sitting on the shelves a while. They're horrible , they're just very. (3 second pause trying to think of the word to say). very. Me: Unapeeling. Him: . *groan* Me: Sir","*Call ended*" +"I can name the capital of any state. Texas-. T. Alabama-. A. Kansas-. K. Edit:. I can't believe this stupid joke that","I say while drunk got almost 1000 upvotes" +"I got fired from an orange juice factory","I got fired from an orange juice factory because I just couldn't concentrate" +"Did you hear about the angry cow yesterday","He was in a bad moooood" +"Did you hear about the new Asian cooking show on The Food Network hosted by the members of Aerosmith","It's called, Wok this Way" +"What’s a dogs favorite root beer","Barq’s" +"What did the grape say when it was stepped on. Nothing","it just let out a little wine" +"Whenever I stubbed my toe growing up","- You need a Tow Truck" +"My dadjoke senses started tingling in class the other day. So we were discussing the recent refugee crisis in class a few days ago. One girl said: It's going to be pretty hard in winter for them, because there arent a lot of proper shelters. So I loudly claimed : Yeah the situation is getting pretty IN TENTS","Reaction: Teacher laughed, some students cringed and most people didnt listen" +"I have two boys, five and six","We're no good at naming things in our house" +"Why did the hot chocolate go to the police station","It got mugged" +"My son was carrying a box full of picture frames","He said, I pictured this being much heavier." +"Jesus said come forth and receive eternal life . But","Paul came fifth and got a toaster" +"Dad, are we pyromaniacs","Yes, we arson" +"New Grandpa Joke My wife and I just had a baby. Everyone says the baby looks just like me. My parents came to visit, and my father is holding the baby. Dad, doesn't he look just like me. Nope","He does look like his father, though" +"What do you call a T Rex that works for a Payday Loan company","An Apex Predatory Lender" +"What is the anthem of reddit","Karma Chameleon" +"I don't trust artists","I've seen them work, they're all sketchy" +"A friend got me with this one yesterday. Walking past a store called Lester's. Friend: you know why they don't build any of these stores anymore. Me: no, why","Friend: because they don't want mo'lesters" +"Why don’t cats like outer space","Because they’re afraid of the vacuum" +"Why don't eggs tell jokes","They'd crack each other up" +"Got my girlfriend with this one while playing scrabble GF: Ugh I've got mostly vowels","Me: Sounds like you have irritable vowel syndrome I could hear her eyes rolling from the other side of the world" +"An apple a day keeps the doctor away","But in my experience, so does an air rifle" +"Whaddaya call a guy who lost two toes. Tomatoes. *Tom. 8-toes. * Yeah, it's me again","They still aren't laughing" +"FOR. SALE: •. George. Foreman. Grill •. Muhammad. Ali. DVDs. Both","Boxed." +"Buddy in class just asked me this in class","If iron man and the silver surfer teamed up, would they be alloys?" +"People are usually shocked. When they find out","I'm not a very good electrician." +"A Muslim friend of mine kept dating a gorilla even though her parents told her bestiality is forbidden","He's her Haram bae" +"How do you make an exam laugh","With a test tickle" +"I took my wife to a fancy restaurant where they make the food in front of you, but she wasn't very happy","I told her next time she can pick the restaurant, if she really hated Subway that much" +"My friend told me he once met a lady with twelve breasts. Sounds strange, I had to tell him","Dozentit" +"Did you hear about the farmer who tripped while out sowing his field","He faceplanted" +"Everybody knows that the Big Apple is on the western side of Long Island, but do you know where the Mini Apple is","The Upper Midwest" +"I saw a fake bucket the other day","It was a pail imitation!" +"I've said it before and. I'll say it again","I've said it before" +"The mods of r/dadjokes would like a couple of words with you","Thank you" +"I tried some ewok meat the other night","It was a little chewie" +"How many people do you think are dead in that graveyard","All of them" +"Velcro","What a ripoff" +"Did you hear about the fight between 70 and 72","71" +"Why are all the other lady planets jealous of Saturn Why are all the lady planet jealous of Saturn. Because it has so many rings","Complements of my wife" +"I was addicted to the hokey pokey then","I turned myself around" +"What two words have the most letters together","Post office Edit: wow thanks guys" +"Did you hear about the French chef who accidentally blew up a kitchen","His name was Linoleum Blown-apart" +"What do you call it when a hooker farts","A prosti-toot" +"Dad joked at breakfast. My dad walked into the kitchen this morning, and got an egg out of the fridge. Dad: What is this. Me: An egg. Dad: No. It's a boneless chicken","He then puts the egg away and walks off laughing" +"Very proud of my five year old daughter. My wife screamed with a sound of absolute terror while in the shower earlier. I find out that she saw a few hairs together, thought it was a giant bug, and temporarily lost her mind. My daughter asked why she screamed. so I told her that her mom saw a few hairs fall out of her head and freaked out. My daughter responds, completely deadpan, mom had rabbits falling out of head","She's going to be a great dad one day" +"This guy. Bob is driving me to drink. He's the","Uber driver taking me to the bar." +"My son asked me what an updog was. I told him it was an older version of a henway. ��What’s a henway. ” My son asked","“About 5 pounds” I replied" +"What do you call a pig that asks too many questions","Por qué Pig" +"What's a pirates' favorite letter","You think it be 'R' but it's the 'C' he loves" +"You want three watering holes","Well, well, well" +"A toilet was stolen from a police station yesterday","The cops have nothing to go on" +"What do New Guinea butterfly babies call their dads","Papua pupa papas" +"Did you hear about the president's new favorite bakery. It's only serving treats with red, white, and blue frosting","All the other ones were un-pastry-otic" +"What do you call a fake noodle","An Impasta (First post here)" +"Proud. I just put a puzzle together, it only took 2 days","Box said 2-4 years" +"I saw a metal on the train today","He was a good conductor" +"A guy named Mr. Real gets knighted. When he told his friends the story that led to his knighting ceremony they all told him that it was unreal. No, he corrected them","It's surreal" +"Girlfriend reminds me of our 4D ultrasound appointment today I reply: forty ultrasounds are a bit excessive don't you think","Edit: hopefully this isn't a premature dadjoke" +"If you don’t wear your seatbelt","You’re less likely to die of cancer" +"Looks like it's watermelon and honeydew from now on. My wife cut up some cantaloupe for lunch today, so I said: > Why don't melons get married in Las Vegas","Because they can't elope" +"I have a confession to make, I was addicted to soap","But I’m clean now" +"Its hard to say what my wife does for a living","She sells sea shells by the sea shore" +"My wife said if I took one more picture of her, she'd leave me","That's when I snapped" +"My friend Ty came first in a swimming competition in Beijing, but he wasn’t given a gold medal","The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won" +"What did the monochrome say to the rainbow. Oh no","My arch nemesis" +"Clowning around My 7yr old was in a parade last night and along with a bunch of candy, came home with a picture/buisness card for a local clown. This morning he was looking for it. Dad where is my clown picture. Look in the bathroom above the sink he looks","Not there Dad Get your sister, there are two clowns in the picture now They get halfway to the bathroom before I die laughing and get the Hey" +"Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure","Because he was a little shellfish" +"Silence. he shouted. Irony","I thought" +"My birthday is on. Groundhogs. Day. I hate it because","I always get overshadowed" +"A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer","The bartender says, Sorry we don’t serve food here" +"I couldn't find any name brand mosquito repellent at the store today","They only had the Off brand" +"Dad dropped this one when we arrived in our hotel. Hey dad did you check out that lamp you have in your room. No, what's it look like. It's very baroque","Well I'm not gonna fix it" +"Two hats are hanging on a rack in the hallway,. One hat says to the other, you wait here,","I'll go on a head." +"My girlfriend was drinking tea this morning. I ask her: What kind of tea is it, honey","It's lemon tea \*I drink the remaining tea\* Now its emptea" +"My dad, 61, still strong with the dadjokes Visiting my dad for the weekend, watching an old movie when a scene with nuns comes on, I ask him Why are they called nuns. Without missing a beat, his reply: If you try to get with them, you'll get nun","" +"NASA finally determined what clothes to wear in space","A polo" +"Me: You've got a streak of paint on your face Dad: I've joined a group. Me: What group. Mum: *sighs* (joke clearly already deployed) Dad:","The White Stripes Dad: *tries not to look pleased*" +"Why couldn't the musher get his new puppy's harness on","He was just a little husky" +"Was watching Dr. Phil with my grandfather Lady on Dr. Phil: I haven't gone to the bathroom in 18 days","Grandpa: Blah, she's full of shit" +"Is it solipsistic in here","Or is it just me" +"If I was a superhero, I would be known as Typo Man","I write all the wrongs" +"My friend. April is very playful,. April laughs,. April plays, and, of course,","April fools" +"What's the difference between a cemetery and a graveyard","The spelling" +"My friend asked me how I like my beard","I replied it's growing on me" +"“Dad, what makes a good tongue twister","” Dad: Well, it’s hard to say" +"My wife told me I was irritating. so I grabbed my ear and began moving it in circles. She asked what the heck I was doing, and I told her I was ear-rotating","I got an eye roll and a punch for that one" +"A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital","he was on a fairway to heaven" +"Logged onto Twitter this morning to see pro wrestling legend Paul Heyman dropping a solid dad joke. https://twitter. com/HeymanHustle/status/477471573062844417 Hey, how do you feel.","With my hands" +"I work at an. Italian restaurant that sells squash in strands like spaghetti","I think it's an inpasta" +"My little sister dropped a gem on me and my dad You should get a dog and name it Quat Puzzled, I ask why","When you call it, you can say 'Comequat' We were so proud" +"Why do birds fly south for the winter","It's too far to walk" +"[Not OC] (u/keywholepossums) A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present","” Cop: You are the lawyer Lawyer: Yeah so where is my present" +"I like Mayweather. Do you know why","Because it's always warm and sunny" +"what happens after 69","70" +"Sometimes I like to tuck my knees to my chest, and lean forward","That’s just how I roll" +"What's worse than a giraffe wearing a turtle neck sweater","A turtle wearing a giraffe neck sweater" +"There are so many beautiful castles in Wales, but I only had time to visit one","I chose Caerphilly" +"A man at the gym just proposed and she said no","I guess that didn't work out" +"Daughter: Can you open this, dad. *opens the jar* Yep. I sure can","*closes it back and hands it back* My daughter again" +"So my blood test came back positive","Turns out I’m full of the stuff" +"I used to hate facial hair","But then it grew on me" +"Knock Knock. Who’s there. Panther. Panther Who","Panth er no panth, I’m goin’ thwimmin’" +"Light travels faster than sound","This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak" +"What was the name of the place Jesus went to exercise","Jehova's Fitness" +"How do you say No TV in Russian","Njetflix" +"I cant believe how far virtual reality has come in my lifetime","Its unreal" +"For the 2nd time in 4 years, I got my girlfriend to laugh at one of my daily dad jokes. Hope you like it too. We are watching a dumb hallmark Christmas movie and the main guy owns a coffee shop. He is getting married and I make fun of the fact that his vows are all coffee puns. So my girl yells, well, he is a coffee person. Me- no babe, he is just a human person","(Her laugh was really a slight chuckle and a you're so dumb , but dammit, I am taking the win" +"The three unwritten rules of life. 2","3" +"It’s easy to deter ladies from eating tide pods","But it’s more difficult to deter gents" +"A group of cannibals crashed a séance and ate everyone present","On insisted on cooking his medium rare" +"My Dad's favorite joke. A man in Switzerland is trying to get his grandfather clock fixed, and brings it into a clock shop. The clock shop attendant asks the man What seems to be the trouble. Well, the clock tells time just fine. However, as you can hear, it ticks. But doesn't tock. Hmm, I think our Horologist will need to take a look at your clock. Please bring it into the back. So the man wheels his clock into the back room, and there is an old, balding man, wearing a lab coat and thick horn rimmed glasses. He asks the man in a thick German accent What seems to be the problem. Well, you see, this clock ticks, but it doesn't tock. I see, says the horologist. He turns on a single light bulb, and turns off the lights to the room, and pulls out some pliers from his labcoat, and says, in his thick German accent","We have ways of making you tock" +"Why do seas hate losing","It makes them salty" +"Just a little repost","re" +"If two vegans get in an argument is it still considered beef","Told by my 12 year old brother, he got poor reactions from my siblings but I assured him the joke was well done" +"When. I was a kid. I asked my grandfather who was born in 1944 if he fought in world war 2","He said yes and that he was in the infantry." +"How'd 6 know 7 was pregnant","7842" +"Tied all my spaghetti together last night when is was drunk","Ended up skipping dinner" +"What do you get when you cross a teacher with a vampire","A lot of blood tests" +"Today I told my son that he's not my favourite ten-year-old anymore","It's his birthday" +"I lost my mood ring today","I don't know how I feel about that" +"Condoms","PPE for the peepee" +"We were watching the news when the commentator said that several Brazilian skydivers died when their parachutes failed . My son burst into tears. I explained, yes, buddy, it's sad, but they knew what they were getting into . My son replied, I know, but it's still so sad. I mean, how many are in a brazliian","Is more than a million" +"I recently saw a documentary about someone leaving their hometown and starting a new life half-way across country","It was moving" +"I got my wife while baking a cake last night She was using a funnel to make holes in the cake for a poke cake","Wife: The funnel is filling up with cake Me: I guess that makes it a funnel cake then The sound of disappointment she made was all the approval I'll ever need" +"What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter","Pumpkin pi" +"Double-Dadjoked a co-worker (Insert comment about a joke made by 2 dads here) Talking with a co-worker when coming home from a conference, she started talking about how one time this week I had lunch with. and I cut her off, wondering why she only had lunch once this week. I've had lunch multiple times. I later felt the need to apologize for my ~~d~~ ~~b~~dad joke, and she said that her husband and I are very literal people","I agreed, saying we are, in fact, literally people" +"Why can't your nose be 12 inches","Because then it would be a foot" +"I can't remember how to write 51, 6, and 500 in Roman Numerals","And I am LIVID" +"Decent Dadjoke Hidden in a School Text Excerpt from a book my class is reading: . 'Say please and thank you nicely and I might let you have some. ' 'Please and thank you nicely,' Haroun said quickly. Haroun must just be saying this to impress his father","I plan to bring it up next class and hopefully get approval for an essay topic regarding dadjokes and their place in literature" +"tiforp a","I turned a profit." +"The boxer toy was violently beating down the other toys","He was charged with battery" +"My girlfriend wanted waffles but my car battery was dead. I said we'd have to boost it if we wanted to go out for waffles, and she responded Well of course we have to jump the car if we want to go to IHOP","She's a keeper" +"Why do dogs like paper so much","I don’t know, seems tearable to me" +"[Meta] I made a film about dad-jokes if you want to check it out. https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=xQosRqmOJiY" +"If a deaf person goes to court","Is it still called a hearing" +"At school I used to get called an elephant","I'll never forget that" +"So this is what dad said today. He said do you know how to make a green banana yellow . I said","I don't know he said spray paint it" +"Got my wife first thing in the morning. I woke up and took a drink of water (this tends to make my mustache a lil wet). I roll over and wake my wife with a passionate g'morning kiss to which she exclaims Jesus. You got water all over me. My reply was simple You can call me Jesus, I appear to be able to turn water into whine. Edit* OMG. This is top post on r/dadjokes. I'm glad I can get a chuckle with you guys","I also fixed words" +"Actual joke (. ) from my dad. Me: the actors who played anakin, emperor palpatine, and darth vader came to meet and kid with a terminal illness recently","Dad: You'd think that Hayden Christiensen would've thought the kid had suffered enough" +"Mom made hotdogs for lunch. Mom made hotdogs for lunch. She yells from the kitchen, If anyone is hungry come in and make yourself a hotdog","Dad yells back, If I am not hungry, will you make one for me" +"(la). Cena in. Spanish means the dinner . And here. I thought. John","Cena looks more like a snacc." +"It's ironic how she died when her zodiac sign is cancer","She was killed by a giant crab" +"The monster took all the keys off my keyboard","Now I'm out of control and there's no escape" +"Why did the tomato turn red","Because it saw the salad dressing" +"Driving past an old cemetery Me: That cemetery is destroyed","Brother-in-law: It's in grave condition" +"Why were the eggs Benedict served on a shiny platter on Christmas morning","Because there is no plate like chrome for the hollandaise" +"I want to create a game centered around concentric circles","I just don't know who my target audience would be" +"How many South Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb","A Brazilian" +"My son asked if we could go to the fair this weekend. I said “the short answer is yes”","but the shorter answer is “no”" +"If crows make black babies & doves make white babies, what makes no babies","Swallows" +"What do you call a picture of a prisoner","A cellfie" +"My son had an ingrown toenail treated. The doctor's office was associated with the local medical college, so there were a couple of med students watching the senior doctor work on my son's toe. He loaded up a syringe with anesthetic and injected in multiple places, explaining that he was doing this to achieve digital blocking (that is, numbing the entire digit, namely the toe). After it was done they left the nurse to bandage my son up, and he said, Dad. What did he mean by digital blocking. Well, when you weren't looking he hooked your toe up to a USB port and downloaded some MP3s into it. If you hold your foot close to your ear you can hear Laaaaa, aaaaa aa aaaaah, close to you. The nurse stared at me and turned to my son. Is he always like this","He silently nodded, looking at the floor" +"Why wouldn’t Ms. Potato Head marry Tom Brokaw","He was just a common-tater" +"Where do you go to learn to skate","Boarding school" +"Fire pit humor Sitting around a fire pit at a cabin we were staying at last weekend with my wife and some other family. My wife leans over and wipes a piece of ash off of my jacket, to which I reply: You love to tap that ash, don't you","Everyone groaned" +"I posted a dad joke in wrong subreddit. [Have a look](https://www. reddit","com/r/wrong_subreddit/comments/5bmv9u/a_dad_joke/)" +"What do you call a lizard with headphones","Anything, it can’t hear you" +"What do you call an eagle who can play the piano","Talonted" +"Who was the most rotund knight at the round table","Sir Cumference" +"I was walking through a camping shop with my son and I told him to be quiet. He said, But why","I whispered, Because there's sleeping bags over there" +"My coworker on tennis lessons Him: I always wanted to take lessons but you just can't trust those people Us: huh","Him: It's all a racket several groans, 1 person left the conversation on that note" +"I want to go visit historical sites in. Pennsylvania. Does anyone know the","Gettysburg address?" +"What kind of dog can do magic","A Labracadabrador" +"What’s a monkey’s favourite dance","The macaque-rena" +"What do we want. Hearing aids. When do we want them","Hearing aids" +"Got my brother this morning. My brother was making a sandwich and called out to me, 'Brigie what's a good sauce","' So I replied, 'Peer reviewed journals are always a great start" +"Grandpa joke My grandpa told me this joke; mind you, it was in the '90s, before all the computer tech became relevant. Inventor runs to the patent office: - I have a brand new machine idea. - What does it do. - asked the official. - You know how every man is tired of shaving every single morning. My shaving machine would be placed all over the city, for scruffy lads to just put their heads in the device, and in exchange for a quarter, it would shave their face for them. - replied the inventor. - But Sir, every person's face has a different shape. -","At first" +"In public school, we used to tell jokes during lessons by writing them on paper airplanes and flying them toward each other","They usually went over our heads" +"Daughter made this up. Where do you go to find spices they no longer use","The Ar-chives" +"My mother is opening a cake shop We are trying to come up with a name for it. My father, who we assumed was asleep on the couch in the other room, yells out name it 'Cakes by Edith. ' That way you can have your cake and Edith too","God dammit dad" +"Got a girl at a party. Her: Yeah, I've actually been dancing since I was two years old. Me: Wow, thats so impressive. You must be so tired by now","Groans were had by both parties" +"If you're looking for a joke about pee","urine luck" +"My wife had a school book fall on her foot, and complained about the bruise she got","I responded, Sounds like you have a classic textbook foot bruise She rolled her eyes" +"I dated a baker once","But she was super needy." +"What advice do you give to a rock that's dating. cc:my 20-year old girl officemate You need to be a little boulder","You gotta admit, that joke's rock solid, right" +"How do mathematicians lecture their children","If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times" +"What's green and sings","Elvis Parsley" +"What does an Italian playing hide-and-seek say when he catches his friend, Tori","Cacciatore" +"You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once","Such blatant stereo-typing" +"I lost my wife’s audiobook","Now I’ll never here the end of it" +"My Grandpa told me when he was small the alphabet only had 25 letters","Nobody knew Y" +"I tried to stay awake last night, or as I call it","Resisting a rest" +"I heard the store was giving away dead batteries","Apparently they're free of charge" +"Why did the court believe witness 6's testimony and Punish 7 for eating 9. Because numbers don't lie","sorry" +"YA, HE GOT ME. Me: When is your birthday. Other: It's April 12th. Me: OK, what year","Other: Every year" +"Turkey Riddles Q: Which side of the turkey has the most feathers. A: The outside. Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band. A: Because he had the drumsticks Q: What did the turkey say before it was roasted. A: Boy. I’m stuffed. Q: What’s the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner. A: The turKEY (source: [http://bestcleanfunnyjokes. com/turkey-riddles/](http://bestcleanfunnyjokes","com/turkey-riddles/))" +"Did you hear about the wedding song written while eating a cheesy beef burrito","It’s called Taco Bell’s canon" +"I tried to teach my son calculus, but we didn't get very far. Cos","I tended to go off on a tangent" +"What Happens When Windows Makes an F1 Team","They Crash" +"What's the heaviest Chinese food","The one-ton" +"My friend and I just got rekt into oblivion by my dad So we're at my smaller brother's graduation thingy, and I'm talking with my friend and my dad about things. I bring up the new speaker I just bought, and knowing that both my friend and my dad are somewhat tech savvy I mention the big battery - the conversation goes as follows: Me: It's got a 10,000 mAh battery. My friend: What. My dad: No, not watts, milliampere hours For 10 seconds, me and my friend didn't understand what the fuck he was on about, which queued a quite awkward silence since we did not really know what to say (this was the first time this friend and my dad met). I also want to add that my dad ALWAYS is on the lookout for making joke (99% of the time really lame ones) so I was thinking Come on just realize that you will never be funny , rolling my eyes. Then finally the penny dropped. My friend and I just stared at each other with eyes and mouths wide open","We just got rekt into oblivion by my dad and I will never again sigh when he makes a lame joke" +"A gift for you, darling. While perusing a large collection of jewelry at the store - Clerk - Can I help you. Dad - I wan't to get my wife of 12 years something nice. Gestures towards the wide banded necklaces in the case Clerk - Do you want a choker","Dad - Pauses, smiles and says Only when she's acting up" +"As a new father, pulled off my first dad joke. We were at my in-laws parents, BTW her dad loves to dad joke, and wife wanted to find out what candles we like to smell. She wants to scent up my man cave, but that's another story. So after naming a few she asks us men what are our favourite scents. I can tell her dad was thinking about something funny to say which I then replied Nonsense","Wife rolls her eyes and groans, and her dad gave me a high five" +"A dad's joke about milk. Some context: my dad listed the drinks we had, which read orange juice, decaf, milk. Me: (jokingly) Decaf milk. Dad: All milk is decaf because we get it and the calf doesn't","The man is legendary" +"Did you know","Spiders are the only web developers that enjoy finding bugs" +"I put my clothes on the line, then lost them all","Never gamble with your laundry" +"My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, How do one armed mothers do it","Without missing a beat I replied, Single handedly" +"I had sex for the first time after a vasectomy","I didn't feel any vas deferens" +"What do you call a bee that doesn't like to talk about its accomplishments. A humble bee","*holds for applause*" +"Yesterday my brother asked my Dad if he could watch TV","He said Yes, but don't turn it on" +"What's a ducks favorite drug","Quack cocaine" +"Like most people my age,","I'm 31" +"We got our cinnaknots before our pizza and my wife asked if we should eat them first anyway","I told her I dunno, it feels cinful" +"water","you'll be mist" +"Why do cows have hooves instead of feet","Because they lactose" +"Overheard at a car dealership. What kind of car do you have now. I have a Wishitwasa. Wishitwasa. Yeah, Wishitwasa Ferrari. Wishitwasa a Mercedes. Wishitwasa a Jaguar. a Wishitwasa. Followed by a short sigh and, I'll take whatever I can afFORD","The ole' dad joke twofer" +"Got my girlfriend as we woke up this morning Gf: Up and at 'em Me: Have you been seeing someone else","WHO IS ADAM" +"Just Dad doing his thing. https://i. imgur. com/dnsNAET","gifv" +"I was reading a story in. Braille. I could tell something was about to happen,","I could feel it." +"I wore the rubber out on my tires. It’s a shame because now","I’m gonna have to retire." +"Sitting in the hospital, getting ready for bed with the wife and our newborn son. Wife: Can you flip off the lights","Me: *proceed to look up and show the ceiling my middle finger* Wife:" +"A random girl asked for my assistance in taking a photo","I told her I'm no photographer but I can definitely picture you and me together" +"I work at Starbucks and someone came in to buy a pound of beans. We had a customer come in looking to buy a pound of our Kenya beans, but couldn't find them on the shelf. My coworker went to look for more in the cabinets. She came back to me and said, It looks like we're all out of a Kenya. To which I replied, Kenya believe it. Eyes were rolled","I laughed to myself" +"So it was snowing and i asked my dad","How much snow are we supposed to get Not all of it It was so stupid that i had to laugh" +"On the one hand, I'm a bit deformed","On the other hand, seven fingers" +"What the best way to make a muscle contract","Make them sign on the dotted line" +"When is a door not a door","When it's ajar" +"What type of photos do teeth take","Toothpic" +"Dad joked my friends after a blood drive. Me: My blood is the best. Them: Why. Are you O negative. Me: No, they wrote an A plus on the bag Them: (face palm)","Go away" +"You want to read a joke on ghosts","That's the spirit" +"Pregnancy hurts My wife is 30 weeks pregnant. When she got up from the couch, she winced in pain. Being the caring husband that I am, I asked what was wrong. She responds with oh just round ligament pain","She glared when I asked how her square ligaments were doing" +"I went into this video shop, and the man asked if I’d like to rent Batman Forever","I said No, just for the night" +"Archie. Bunker celebrated his birthday alone. Because you can't have your cake and","Edith, too." +"A snake walks into a bar","The bartender says how did you do that" +"What does a lawyer name her daughter","Sue" +"I got my girlfriend with one I'm proud of I sent my girlfriend a picture of my ass at work today and she liked it so much she joked about going up to her boss about giving in her two weeks notice. I said that she should show her boss the picture and claim it was her two cheeks notice","I'm really bad at telling jokes" +"People say filling animals with helium is wrong","I say whatever floats your goat" +"In order to stay healthy during this pandemic, I’ve been dancing in public while insulting people","I practice social diss dancing" +"A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says Hey","The horse says Sure" +"What do you call a grandma that you're dating","Old bay" +"What did they call the loudest knight of all","Sir Roundsound" +"I was going to grow my own tabacco for smoking, but I don't have enough land","I guess it's just a pipe dream" +"I know this sarcastic Baker","He makes the best wry bread" +"Electrician dad-joked my wife. She mentioned she had to run to a nearby town to drop off my son's friend","You should probably drive, it will be a lot quicker" +"When it comes to reaching high places on my own or by using an appropriate tool","I choose the ladder" +"My daughter said, my tissue is alive. I said, because you put a little boogie in it. Then I let out a hearty laugh. Her reply, DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD NOOO","lmao" +"Batman: It’s been a long day Alfred. Please fill up the bathtub","Alfred: What’s a Htub" +"What's the opposite of a wall","Another wall" +"what kind of bagel can fly","plane bagel" +"Just wanted to say a few words","A few words." +"What do you call a religious fruit","A preach" +"We. Are not buying a mobile home","RV?" +"What do you call a pokemon that will always have your back","Pigotchu" +"The only thing flat earthers fear is","Sphere itself" +"What do you get when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence","An udder disaster" +"What's the point of having forearms","if I've only got two hands" +"What’s Michael Jackson’s favourite language","Hee-Hee-brew" +"Every single time. I told my dad","I was going on a field trip So what kind of field are you going to?" +"Dracula told me to bow in his presence, you could say I was","Down for the count" +"A periodic table. I told my dad we were studying the periodic table in chemistry [he sent me this](http://i. imgur. com/8GLNPmH","gif)" +"Gf just got me Hey did that used to be the bodybuilding place. Guess that didn't work out","Sigh" +"How to draw stairs (step by step)","The answer is in the title." +"I went to submit ten puns to a contest to see if any would get in the newspaper","Unfortunately, no pun in ten did" +"What do you get if you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic, and an agnostic","Somebody who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog" +"My in-laws are visiting. My daughter was up early and downstairs with me when my father-in-law woke up and came down. She said I woke up before you Papa. His response - Nope. I woke up 50 years ago","Did you" +"What’s a Kardashian’s favorite kind of plant","A transplant" +"Once upon a time a man assaulted me with milk, butter, and cheese","How dairy" +"What keeps Gouda up at night","The Muenster under the bed" +"How do you turn a fox into a cow","Marry it" +"Why did the scarecrow win an award","Because he was outstanding in his field" +"What did the Allies call the operation to depose Mussolini","Finito Benito" +"I have an old calculator that’s missing the minus button","But on the plus side, it still works" +"I told my girlfriend that she couldn't handle the gains I was getting at the gym. Response: Gains. Laundry detergent doesn't provide that many benefits, hun","Fuck" +"Food truck server got me the other day. Buying from a food truck, so I'd made sure to get cash in case it was cash-only. However, I noticed they had a square plugged into an iPad. For future reference, I guess you guys take cards","Yeah, and we give them back, too" +"My uncle is a musician, but his second gig is being a dad http://imgur","com/Ht8jydx" +"I was about to go on an all-almond diet","But that's just nuts" +"If time is money","Shouldn't a dollar be 60 cents" +"My best one yet. So a few of my friends and I were exploring a new city and decided to get some frozen yogurt. As we're sitting outside the shop eating our FroYo, a lady comes up and asks, how is the frozen yogurt here. My friends reply with, it's good, not great though","So I responded with, yeah, it's just mediYogurt" +"My son won’t eat. Atlantic cod. He has","Pacific taste in seafood" +"A weasel walks into a bar The bartender looks up and says, Wow. In all my years tending bar, I've never had a weasel stop by. What can I get you. Pop","goes the weasel" +"The soles of my shoes are coming off","I guess they're on their last legs" +"Dad joked my sister today. We were talking about her prom dress. She made a comment about not liking it anymore because she didn't realize it was open back. She has a semi hairy back. Not super thick but hair like you would have on your arm. Our conversation went something like this. Her - honestly, I just hate my genes. Why can't I have a nice back","Me - well if you don't like your jeans, just go to the store and buy some other ones" +"Got my gf to laugh at this one My girlfriend was having trouble updating the soundcard driver on her computer, and no matter how long she waited the update made no progress. GF: I'm so frustrated with this driver","Me: Did he not signal" +"He deserves a special cupcake. Me: I'm making everyone a cupcake for my birthday","Dad: What if they don't want to be made into a cupcake" +"What’s it called when Batman skips church","Christian Bale" +"I asked my friend. Sam to sing a song about the iPhone. And then","Samsung" +"How do you call an Indian’s establishment","An Hindustry" +"What do you do if you see a spaceman. You park your car, man","(Creds to my Google joke subscription)" +"Why aren't koalas considered bears","Because they don't have the koalafications" +"Dad, can you pass the salt. Dad, can you pass the salt. Surely. *points at the salt shaker approvingly* You get a B+. **Dad","** (This happened at least once a week)" +"Why do seagulls fly over the sea","Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels" +"Doctor's office So I go into the dr. office, tell the receptionist my name and say I have an appointment with the doctor. She says Which doctor. I say No, just a regular one. Get it","Witch Doctor" +"You lied to me. A child asked his father, How were people born. So his father said, Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on. The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now. The child ran back to his father and said, You lied to me","His father replied, No, your mom was talking about her side of the family" +"Overheard at a Viet restaurant Parents and I were sitting behind a man and his wife at a Vietnamese restaurant. Man: I'd like the shaking beef please. Waitress: One shaking beef. Man: I'm just curious","What exactly makes the beef so nervous" +"Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, I love you. She asked: Is that you or the beer talking","I said: It's just me talking to the beer" +"I'd tell you a joke about a roof","But it would be over your head" +"At what temperature are babies born","Womb temperature" +"A woman asked me to check her balance at the bank. So","I pushed her over" +"Why are pea eaters rude to noisy people","They want their peas and quiet" +"Dad, why is mom still upset. It's been days. Son, you'll understand soon enough","It's just her ovary acting" +"Whenever I’m finished eating dinner, my Asian dad makes this joke","Me: Im full Dad: No, you’re fuuuoolish" +"My girlfriend asked me what Watermelon Ice Tea would taste like","I told her it would taste like Watermelon" +"Just happened with my 10 year old, Yes I got that you are pathetic eye roll. Success. Daughter: Did you know Ed Sheeran raps. Me: Yeah, did you know I wrap too. Daughter: Nooo. Go on then, rap. Me: Nah it’s not Christmas. Daughter: Why only at Christmas","Yes I had to spell it out to her" +"Have you ever tried Jewish coffee","Israeli good" +"Girlfriend's cousin was asking an uncle about his career in HVAC I'll tell you something working in HVAC sucks","Other times it blows" +"The key to falling asleep quickly is to sleep at the edge of the bed","You'll soon drop off" +"did you hear about the racing snail","he took off his shell so he would be faster but in the end he just felt a bit sluggish" +"How do you know if a joke is a dad joke","Well, it should be a parent" +"What do you call a russian tree","Dmitri" +"How Did Joey Figure Out He Had A Graffiti Addiction","The writing on the wall" +"If dad jokes had a smell","It'd definitely be pun-gent." +"If. I grow peppers from other countries in my back yard","Is it horticultural appropriation?" +"I believe in a world","where chickens should be able to cross the road without its motives being questioned" +"A voice on the radio: Hello, anybody who can hear me please respond. Me: Copy that, who is this. Voice: Spider, working out. Me: Spider who","Voice: Radio active spider" +"I was arguing with my colleague whether Isaac Newton created gravity or not","She said, He didn't created it, he discovered it I said, So it was covered before" +"I wish my girlfriend would quit obsessing over her new sheepskin boots","Ugg" +"Said to my co-worker just now. Him: I wish I had four arms Me: You do. You have two of them","I'm pretty sure I read this before here and it finally came in useful" +"My daughter told me she was engaged at the age of 18. Me: “Well that seems like a blind doe. ” Her: “A what. A blind doe. ” Me: “Yep","That’s a bad-eye deer" +"Be polite when eating a. French sandwìch","That’s baguetiquette" +"My daughter dadjoked me While she was wearing a Frozen dress and singing something from the soundtrack, she farted. I turned to her and asked, Was that you","She replied, I let it go" +"If a homeless guy invites you to come into his makeshift tent, don't do it","It's a tarp" +"My son said his teeth are falling out","I wonder what they're arguing about" +"At an Indian restaurant with my girlfriend GF: Would you like some naan bread. Me: No thanks, *naan* for me","GF:" +"Saw this tree while working This tree looks like it needs a rest: (dad joke on picture) http://imgur","com/gallery/FJpEElA" +"Why was the sneeze getting closer","It was coming right achoo" +"I bought a car with keyless entry system installed. I like the car very much","However, it's missing some key features" +"I got sued once. the plaintiff brought in a rabbit as his key witness","The judge dismissed it as hare say" +"Why do dogs float in water","Because they’re good buoys" +"Not sure if this is really a dad joke, but boy was I proud of it. I was at work, sarcastically saying how much I love sweeping. Stoned coworker says . We should just call you Cinderella then. I said If the shoe fits","" +"I thought about telling a joke on here about a myopic elk","but decided it was just a bad eye deer" +"Dont ever insult Ted","He will be very offenTed" +"I am a dyslexic AMA fighter","MMA" +"My wife told me that. I struggle communicating my thoughts. Can’t say","I’m surprised" +"What does clownfish taste like. It probably tastes funny. ***Something my son actually asked and without thinking, I responded. I blame this sub","***" +"Today isn't just mother's day","It's son-day as well" +"The son has taken the role of the father So this was a conversation between me and my dad today: Dad: I'm starving Me: Hi, starving. I'm Nick. Dad: Please tell me you did not just say that. Me: I never said that . I said Hi, starving. I'm Nick","My Dad is now ashamed of me" +"Three things I really dislike: 1. Inconsistency B","People who don't finish things" +"I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of lipstick","She still hasn’t spoken to me" +"Why was Pavlov's hair so soft","Classical conditioning" +"Doctor: You have 10 to live. Patient: What. 10 what","Doctor: 9" +"What's the SI Unit for 2000 mockingbirds","2 kilomockingbirds" +"Why did the underwater welder get fired","Because he doesn't work well under pressure" +"What is made off of leather and a sneeze","A SHOE" +"What are the strongest days of the week","Saturday and Sunday, the rest are week days" +"The. CEO of. Honda was fired yesterday, and had to be physically removed from his office. He didn’t want to leave on his own","Accord." +"I want to get a job hanging mirrors","I can really see myself doing it" +"A dad is talking to his kids about school. His son says 'Well, in maths we did probability today' His daughter exclaims 'Oh my god. So did I","' The dad says 'What are the chances of that" +"Where do toy stores keep their Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures","Aisle B, back" +"An Irishman walks out of a bar",":)" +"How does the Pope get paid","Through Papal" +"This morning my patient Dad Joked me Me: Hello Mr T","How do you feel this morning Mr T: With my hands" +"Dad, who is your favorite kid. Oh wow","well, do I have to name one of my own" +"Keys. To. Success: –. Attension to detail –","Finishing what you" +"Blew a tire today. I got a flat on the way to work yesterday and texted my dad Blew a tire today. Was fun His response: I didn't know you were dating a tire http://imgur","com/EIA9g8e" +"So my boss told me he was Finnish","So then I asked him, Finnished with what" +"What do cigarettes and squirrels have in common","They're both perfectly safe until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire" +"The. California","Drought is so bad, we even have to use dry humor." +"I've got my eye on you, calendar","Your days are numbered" +"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl urinate","Because the p is silent" +"What did the buffalo say to his son that was leaving for college","Bison" +"What's the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist. The literalist takes things literally","The kleptomaniac takes things, literally" +"A man in court says, I'm not saying anything without my lawyer present. Cop: But you are the lawyer","Lawyer: Exactly, So where's my present" +"Anyone want to buy a broken barometer","No pressure" +"I farted on my wallet. Now","I have gas money." +"Do you have a sixth toe. I do","I have ten" +"It seems I can't find the border between Russia and Alaska using my compass","I couldn't get my Bering Strait" +"Many people tell me that. I must love to stand out from the crowd","I beg to differ" +"Two drug dealers are laundering money into the bank. Where is it going","A joint account" +"My boat flipped over during a storm, so I decided to wear it on my head. After all","It was capsized" +"Who is PacMan's favourite Muppet","Fozzie bear" +"If South Korea ever has a natural disaster, you really should donate money to them","It's good for the Seoul" +"My dogs and cats have to be home at a certain time every evening","I set a curfew for my fur crew." +"Being good at calculus in your later life is like","the after-math" +"I would like to say a joke about leeches but","I'm too afraid it might suck." +"Dad jokes at the coffee shop. Sitting at the coffee shop on campus when. I catch this gem:. Daughter:. I need to be studying for exams but. I keep procrastinating. Dad:. You know. I once tried to write a book about procrastinating,","I never finished it" +"I had a date last night","It's a really underrated fruit" +"When a scientist becomes middle aged","He has a half-life crisis" +"Why did the teddy bear refuse to eat","Because he was stuffed" +"A dad joke story Jim was working hard sawing wood. It was hot, his hands slippery with sweat and the saw slipped from his fingers and cut off all of his toes. No ambulences were available so he called a toe truck, but he got there too late. His toes could no longer be reattached. He could not walk right, so he could not work. He got workers comp but it wasn't enough. Worst of all, his wife was lack toes intolerant. She filed for separation. He looked online for solutions to his problems and found a post telling him where he may find an answer. It said Go to the forest late at night and wait in the glade. There you will find the Great Toed. He is wise in these matters. Having nothing to lose he followed the instructions and reached the glade spoken of. There was a line drawn that said wait here. And wait he did for over an hour, and just as he was about to leave, a many toed toad toed the other side of the line with a bag in tow. Ask your question, it said in a raspy voice. So Jim related his tale of toe woes. After listening the many toed toad replied Have you tried the supermarket. Jim wondered how a supermarket would help but decided to give it a try. He went the next morning and walked down aisle after aisle and then he found it: The supermarket was giving away free toes. Elated, he grabbed as many bags of them as he could and checked each one. He found enough that fit, but needed to attach them. He went back to the glade for help getting the new toes attached, and the toad was happy to help. He helped attach the new toes and jim ran off (little did Jim know that the toad croaked soon after) He was able to walk normal again, his wife came back, he got his job back and everyone lived happily ever after. Oh the punch line","It's over there by the table" +"Someone just called me emotionless","I don't know how to feel about it" +"How many lightbulbs does it take to fix a lightbulb","doesn't matter, they can't fix it either way because they're not bright enough" +"There was a TV show on last night which showed a group of people playing dominoes competitively. Girlfriend - It's so weird how they are getting so competitive over a simple game of dominoes. Me - Yeah, but I suppose once one person starts getting a bit competitive it spreads to everyone else and goes on from there","That's the domino effect" +"If you're paid to code, you're a programmer. But if it's just a hobby","are you just a grammer" +"My mom had surgery recently","My dad your mom was laughing so hard, she was in stitches" +"a group of crows is a murder","a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder" +"The lights in my house just went out so I have to call an electrician","I’m unable to deal with the current situation" +"What part of a ship is a pirate's favorite","The radAAAAR" +"I am paranoid that my Kindle is running out of space","Maybe I’m reading too much into it" +"Do any of you have a birthday. I got a hostess at Disney today. As we were checking in for a dining reservation, the hostess asks, Does anyone have a Birthday. To which I reply, We all do. but none of them are today","My wife's eyes rolled so far, I think they went all the way around" +"What happened to the fly on the toilet seat","He got pissed off" +"I confronted a mime today","He did unspeakable things to me." +"I fell asleep at the wheel once","All my pottery was ruined :(" +"Why don’t ant colonies ever get sick","because they’re full of anty bodies" +"What do you call a midget waving","A microwave" +"My dad made me a coffee So he brought it to me and we had the followin conversation: - That's the best coffee you have ever had - Why","- Because I put the perfect amount of sugar in it - But I asked for no sugar - That's why it is the perfect amount" +"My friend told me that. I need to stop singing. I'm a believer because it was getting annoying but. I thaught she was kidding. But then","I saw her face" +"What do you call basketball goals in Hawaii","Hula hoops" +"Cashier at the grocery store got me. So I was checking out at the store with my girlfriend. All I bought was toilet paper and bacon. The cashier scans my two items and says with a straight face: it's no wonder you have a girlfriend. You're rolling in the paper AND bringing home the bacon","Definitely made me laugh, and he just went about his business like he never made the joke at all" +"Today,. I accidentally played dad instead of dead when a bear was running at me","He can now ride a bike without training wheels" +"Used an oldie, but a goodie the other day. Driving past a cemetery. Do you how many dead people are in there. I have no idea","All of them" +"I’ve discovered the secret to avoid crying while chopping onions:","Try not to get emotionally attached." +"How do ships share files","Pier-to-Pier" +"I hit my friend with a baseball bat. He couldn't look me in the eye after what","I did" +"If two vegans get in a fight","Is it still considered a beef" +"Why didn't the chick cross the road","Because it was a little chicken" +"What does a cow say when he's in a dogfight","Evasive mamoovers" +"What do you call a whore who does yoga","Whorigami" +"I just passed medical school. This morning on the way to work","Makes me pretty much a doctor" +"Total miss I was watching curious George with the family last night and he was counting stars, 10 stars and 10 rows 100. Teenage daughter: 11 x 11=122 12 x 12 =144 Me: that's gross Everyone else in the room: no reaction, nothing, not even a look. I had to explain what was probably my best dad joke ever","FML" +"Just Dadjoked my daughter. My birthday was coming to and end, and it had been a quiet day. She just asked me Are you sorry it was a low key day","I replied Well, at least I'm not Thor" +"I have a pair of non-prescription glasses made of diamond; and. I know what you're thinking","They're mined readers" +"Dad got me. So we were picking something from the TV guide after we'd finished watching a film and say to my dad, cause there was nothing good to put on, Well. Well. WELL. And the bastard replies, A large hole, with water at the bottom","I tried so hard not to laugh, but he got me and it was pretty funny, unfortunately" +"Opinion - 3. 14 = Onion Opinion - 3","14 = Onion" +"Why was the religious chef sacked from the ice-cream parlor","He refused to work on sundaes" +"All day I've been selling dead canaries online, and i can tell you","They're not going cheep" +"An Orca was questioned by the cods about a potential murder. But he didn't admit to anything. His lips were *sealed*. https://imgur","com/ogcyNTN (My dad came up with this one on the fly when we visited Monterey when I was a kid)" +"I went to the zoo the other day and saw a loaf of sourdough in a cage","It was bread in captivity" +"Dad writes a cell biology book http://i. imgur. com/FrIYI2Q. jpg (x-posted from /r/biology: http://www. reddit","com/r/biology/comments/1wbpze/found_this_little_guy_in_my_biology_textbook/)" +"Where are the Buccaneers","On the buccan head" +"Why are noses in the middle of our face","Because its the scenter" +"My wife says: The bishop was sitting only a few seats away from me. My wife says the bishop was sitting only a few seats away from me at the ceremony today. So I asked her, were you sitting diagonally from him. She says no","So I tell her, then I don't think you were in any danger" +"Pi day joke My substitute teacher laid this down. Short but sweet: I used to know a guy named pi, but we stopped talking because he just kept going on and on and on","*groan*" +"How would you describe an Egyptian swimmer that doesn't believe he just won something","He's in de-NILE" +"A fart was walking down the street when it saw another fart crying & asked what's wrong","The other fart replied my boss let me go (told to me by me dad at dinner tonight)" +"I met the rapper Ice Cube once. In a sauna","After twenty minutes I yelled for a member of staff: We're gonna need a wet floor sign in here" +"Did you hear about the girl who passed out on the beach","She was on conches" +"I was putting away the dishes from out of the dishwasher And came upon the tupperware and asked my son Tupperware. Oh tupper here","as I put them in the cabinet" +"In the past, the poor had horses and the rich had cars. Now, the poor have cars and only the rich have horses","Oh how the stables have turned" +"Dad's birthday. Dad turned 40-something today and invited me for dinner out","Just as he had finished up, he said, Out of all the birthday's I've ever had, *pause for effect* this one is the most recent" +"My kids think I call my wife dear as a term of endearment","But it's because of the horns growing out of her head" +"What do you call a red headed father going to church for the first time","Red dad redemption" +"What do you call the Northern Lights after you get tired of watching them","Aurora Bore-alis" +"Officer: Don't you know the speed limit is 65 miles per hour","Me: Yeah, but I wasn't going to be out that long" +"Why is grain such a drama queen","Because it does everything with a flour-ish" +"I discovered an origami porn channel","But it’s paper view only" +"I dropped my toothpaste this morning","I was crestfallen" +"I don’t why marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements in the hulk","He’s pretty much one giant banner" +"2. Antennas meet on a roof and fall in love and get married","While the ceremony wasn't that great, the reception was excellent" +"A fog rolled in and turned my car into gold","Must have been an alche-mist" +"My friend wouldn't let me put my beer in his fridge","I told him, It'd be a lot cooler if you did" +"Do you know how you can tell that Dads love their kids more than their Mothers","The first thing your mother did when she was giving birth to you was to push you away" +"One day you are the best thing since sliced bread","Next day you are toast" +"My family keeps saying that I need to grow up","Jokes on them I’m only 20 and my doctor said I have the spine of a 70 year old man" +"What do you call a chiropractic who hates women","A massagynist" +"I just swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas","I can’t believe the currant exchange rate" +"When I told my dad I was thirsty as a kid","He would say: I'm Friday, let's go Saturday and have a sundae" +"Today my friend said he knew a kid whose parents were Mormon and divorced. I told him that was a bit of an oxymormon","I almost got punched square in the jaw" +"Confucius say","Man you stand on toilet, high on pot" +"Australian chess players would have difficulty playing chess because it'd be very confusing to figure out if it's a check mate or a checkmate","Posted this on Showerthoughts thought It'd be more appropriate here" +"Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk","The Stock Market" +"What’s a Mennonites favorite raisin","A barnraising" +"I’ve been trying to make a living writing dad jokes","He hasn’t sent me a paycheck yet" +"I've got a great joke about construction. But","I'm still working on it" +"What is Forrest Gumps password for his facebook","1Forrest1" +"What kind of car does a ghost drive","A BOO-ick" +"I talked to my psychologist about my growing fears about death for an hour","He said my time was up" +"I just stumbled on this subreddit, and I'd like to tell you why it's not my cup of tea. It's because [this](http://i. imgur. com/OkMqfn3","jpg) is my cup of tea" +"My father in law got my wife just now So my wife just had a baby and we were talking about who he looks like. My wife says: I think he'll look like me, I've got some good genes. Father-in-law: I do too","They're wranglers" +"What do you call a picture of a bookcase","A shelfie" +"A conversation I just had with my dad about outdated terminology. (Asian) Dad: -uses the term 'oriental' to describe Asian people- Me: Dad, Oriental is too old-fashioned. You shouldn't use it nowadays because it confuses people. Dad: Oh, okay. Would you say it. disorients them","Me:" +"I broke one of my fingers at work today","On the other hand, everything is okay" +"What would've happened to Stalin if he never came to power","He'd be an average Joe" +"Where does a mansplainer get his water","A well, actually" +"There are 3 types of people in this world","Those that can count and those that can't" +"How does an ISIS member tell time","With a terror-wristwatch" +"How do you stop an Internet troll","Seize their memes of production" +"I’m going to avoid discussing music in the future. me: The Decemberists are decent, as indie goes. Dad: Are they any better as purples","me: [skips song]" +"Why did the referee blow a whistle on a chicken","Because it was a fowl" +"I found a spot of cancer on my. BINGO. Card. Don't worry, it was","B9." +"My first dad joke (as a dad) While the family was eating dinner at the counter, from the kitchen I exclaimed Ewww, I just stepped in pee . The look on my wife's face slowly shifts from bemused to unamused as I hold up a plastic letter P. I laughed profusely amongst the groans of my family members","This day was the day I was a dad" +"What did the man with Tuberculosis say to the undertaker","I'm here about my coughin'" +"If you have a parrot","It says a lot about you" +"A date asked me if I had ever been abroad","No, I've been a man since birth" +"How do you know you’re at a gay BBQ","All the wieners taste like shit" +"What did the fish that ran into a wall say","Dam" +"I lost my car keys. One of my Mexican friends helped me find it","When he found it, he said Aqui" +"and then I Kenny Rogered her. I was talking about music with a friend, when this bit of conversation happened: Her: I really don't like country music. Me: How come. Her: I don't know. It just gives me the creeps. Me: So, you could say it gives you the Willie Nelsons. Her:","Her: You're horrible" +"The new Lion King movie dvd release date is only a week away. A week away. A week away. A week away. A week away. A week away. A week away","Wee e e e e e e e e a week away" +"I like telling dad jokes","He always laughs" +"I was never going to be as good of a clown as my dad","The shoes were too big to fill" +"My first So I've read a bunch of jokes to my girlfriend (Particularly the never ending one). Her: You need to stop this. Me: Oh, I'll annoy you with these for sure. Her: How do you know you're not annoying already. Me: Who's already. There are a million better ways to go about it, but that was my first live dad-joke. Naturally, she cringed and I loled. Just wanted to share","(Sorry if formatting is a bit off, newbie here)" +"I bought some noise cancelling headphones","I thought people would find them annoying but so far I haven't heard any complaints" +"On a scale of 1 to 10,. I would rate today","A solid 10/10" +"I know my wife is vegan, she doesn't like any human use of animals","Even her opinions can't be suede" +"A hotdog walks in to a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says","We don't serve food here" +"If Link's fairy helper friend's father was wrongfully imprisoned around Christmas time","I would totally protest it with a sign that reads Release Navi's Dad" +"Where do you go when you see the same post twice","To the eye doctor" +"We all know 6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9, but why did 7 eat 9","Because you're supposed to get 3 squared meals a day" +"Every morning I tell my daughter, Morning, Pumpkin Today, she surprised me by asking why I called her pumpkin","Thinking fast on my feet, I quickly explained: Because you're gourd-geous" +"What do you call 100 rabbits in a row moving backwards","A receding hare line" +"If that's the bacteria","Where is the fronteria" +"My dad and our dog My dad was eating cashews today and he fed the dog a couple. My mom told him that he shouldn't be giving the dog any nuts because there are some nuts that dogs aren't supposed to have. He responds with I know, they get them removed so they don't have puppies . I had to turn away so he didn't see me laughing","Then he ran to tell my brother" +"New. York. Post: How. Patriots owner. Robert. Craft could get off in prostitution case","Didn't he already?" +"[OC]","A elder duck hunter: “Son, if you are not meeting your quota of 100 ducks per day, you are probably aiming too high.”" +"How many yoga mats does techno man have","Four on the floor" +"I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night","It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea" +"I received a text from my daughter about the film she was watching http://i. imgur. com/J7AZJzu","png" +"Trashy people go to titty bars","Classy people go to Breastaurants" +"Technically a mom joke. This is from my wife: What do you call zebras with insomnia. Ebras","Because there's no zzzzzzz" +"I only buy bread from Germany","Every morning it greets me with a nice gluten tag" +"Buddy of mine asked which tees transgender folks golf from","I replied so you're suggesting they need an LGBTee" +"My girlfriend wants me to tattoo 3:24pm on my abdomen","I told her that would be a waist of time" +"Got my wife with this just now http://imgur","com/a/YLSp3 Yes, for the record, it's actually a peanut shell" +"Me and my friend were talking to each other through toilets","We were having a shit-chat" +"I was never able to ask my crush out on high school because. I was math nerd. I guess","I was 2² to ask her out" +"I find myself craving vegetables dipped in batter and fried in a Japanese style","I'm feeling tempura-mental" +"At the parole hearing, the officer asked, Tell me, why should you be released early. Inmate: It’s bec. Officer: Yes. Inmate: I think I have. Officer: Go on. Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence. Officer: Sure","Parole denied" +"I can't believe they're still together after all of the crap they've been through My dad: I can't believe they're still together after all the crap they've been through Me: Who","My Dad: My butt cheeks" +"The other day. I was trying to explain to someone why the earth is not round","But my argument fell flat." +"What's the difference between snowmen and snow-women","Snowballs" +"My step ladder My colleague in work was talking about when someone can be classed as grown-up and said that anyone that owns his own ladder should instantly be considered a proper grown up. He then asked if I had a ladder","I replied 'I've got a step ladder, my real ladder left me when I was young'" +"A man was admitted to the hospital with six toy horses stuck in his bottom","His condition was described as stable" +"My wife first looked confused then rolled her eyes. I may be ready to be a dad. My wife was sitting on the couch, handed me her phone, and said, charge this . I took the phone and said, You have the right to remain silent","Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law" +"My dad recently lost all of the vegetables we had just pulled out of the garden","He isn't worried though, he said they should turnip" +"I just finished my first day of excavation training","So far I'm really diggin' it" +"What do you call an artist that puts off his work","A procrasti-painter" +"Dad: you should really take a break from studying calculus all day","how can you even function" +"I was birdwatching with my son, and asked if he knew what kind of birds stick together. Um. ducks","No, Vel Crows" +"My foreign friend moved to the United States and brought his sick bird with him","Unfortunately, he was arrested for being an ill-eagle immigrant" +"What is a tornado's favorite place to get a burger","Wendys" +"It is with deepest regret that. I have to inform you all, my poultry dating site will be closing down, as","I can no longer make hens meet!" +"I helped my friend move an elephant into his room last week","He offered to pay me and I said Don't mention it" +"The Seattle Symphony is playing Beethoven's 9th. In the version they're doing, the bass section plays a bit at the start, then just sits there til the final part of the last movement. So, they decide to leave the concert and go out for drinks. While at the bar down the street, they meet a European nobleman, and they become good friends. Unfortunately, the guy had been gorging himself on crappy bar food, and he quickly falls into a food coma. One of the basses drunkenly checks his watch and says, crap. We're not going to get back on stage in time. As they're sprinting back, one of them says, actually, I thought this would happen, so I tied some of the pages of the conductor's score together - that way, he'll have to slow the tempo way down with his right hand while undoes the knots with his left. And so they get back just in time to finish the Symphony, and the audience is none the wiser. The conductor, however, was furious","After all, they'd left him at the bottom of the 9th, with the score tied, while the basses loaded, and the Count was full" +"I was talking about traveling back in time and creating a paradox","My dad looked at me and said If you have two boats, you also need a paradox." +"What farmyard animal is good at maths","Cowculator" +"What did a clam say to her cheating clam husband","You shellfish bastard" +"They're making engines that hear and respond to voices","That's a real step forward in enginEARing" +"How do you motivate a tropical bird","You go and tell him if I can, tucan" +"They said. I am addicted to brake fluid but","I can stop any time" +"My daughter was telling me about cheetahs and how they are skittish and nervous animals. They require a lot of attention and sometimes in zoos they even have a companion dog to help keep them calm","Turns out, without a lot of care, cheetahs never prosper" +"My daughter injured her arm and is now in a sling. She said it is hard to write with my left","I replied It is even harder to left with your right" +"How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus","Ten-tickles" +"What member of the bee family makes the best Honey","The Bees Neice" +"A world without ice","Wouldn't be very n-" +"Turkey turkey turkey. My friend: I'm quitting cold turkey . Me: yeah,","I like warm turkey better too" +"What does it take to become a zombie","Dead-ication" +"Mountains aren't funny","They're hill areas" +"What is the titanics least favorite type of lettuce","Iceberg" +"If I had to date a super villain, it would be Magneto","He's the most attractive" +"My wife was complaining that I twist everything she says to my advantage","I’m taking that as a compliment" +"Girl asked me to stop listening to Wonderwall","I said maybe" +"What do you call an apprentice locomotive conductor","A conductor in training" +"If you feel lonely. Dim he lights and put on a couple horror movies","After awhile, you won't feel alone anymore" +"Why isn’t suntanning an Olympic sport","Cause you can only get bronze" +"If you own a calendar then I'm sorry","Your days are numbered" +"What did O tell Q","His fly is open" +"Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up after a long ride","It was two tired… - Bazooka Joe" +"What do you call someone who collects ghost novels","A boo-keeper" +"I've got a friend who works with helium balloons","They speak very highly of everyone" +"I've lived 24 years this is the first time I heard my dad make a dadjoke [in the backyard] Dad: How come you still haven't cleaned your car. Me: Sorry I just didn't have any time","Dad: (walks over to plants)There's thyme right here, and scallions" +"Why were all the sailors only on the front of the ship","Cause otherwise they'd get astern talking to" +"If the world's human population joined hands around the equator","A significant portion of them would drown" +"Snails don't move any faster if you remove their shells","In fact, they become more sluggish" +"When you're done with your drinks. Mom: When you're done with your drinks, be sure to put your glasses in the dishwasher","Me: *slowly removes eyewear and places in top shelf of dishwasher* Little brother bursts out laughing: Okay you can't even be mad that one was clever" +"What do you do to the arrow when you enjoy a post","You Reddit" +"Did you know diarrhea is genetic","It runs in your jeans" +"I set him up perfectly. Brother: I made a belt out of a bunch of watches. Me: That must have cost a fortune. Brother: No, but it turned out to be a waist of time","It might be an old joke but I fell for it and set him up perfectly" +"my dad found out i like dad jokes. and now he won't stop. http://imgur","com/a/UrTT0" +"I promise not to make any bad new year's. Eve jokes","For the rest of the year" +"I was eagerly waiting for my axe that I bought for rock-climbing, but when I got it, I was extremely disappointed","It was an anti climb axe" +"What do hippies from Bangkok wear","Thai-dye" +"They told me. I couldn't make it with an. Arts degree but in sculpture class alone","I made six figures." +"I was diagnosed with Dunlaps Disease shortly after feasting my way through the holiday season","Yep, my belly dunlaps over my belt" +"Yesterday a truck carrying vicks vaporub overturned on the highway, spilling its contents","For 8 hours, there was no congestion." +"Is r/dadjokes dead","No ones posted a good dad joke ALL YEAR" +"Why are Thai people deathly afraid of the hippies","Because hippies always wear thai-die shirts" +"Who is the Patron Saint of copying people into emails. St","Francis of a CC" +"Dadjoked by my friend. Was driving to get food and it felt chilly so I asked my friend what the temperature was","He responded with a measurement of how hot or cold it is" +"What does a janitor say when he jumps out of a closet","Supplies" +"Did you know the first french fries weren’t made in France","They were made in Greece" +"What do you call a dog floating in the pool","Bob Barker" +"Mum never bought me. Bambi when. I was younger","Apparently, it was two deer" +"What did the pirate get on his report card","Seven Cs" +"11 y/o son with a winner Son: I'd like to visit Switzerland Me: Why. son:Oh lots of reasons. Me: Really. Like what","Son: Well, their flag's a big plus" +"How do Turks make their poutine","With cheese Kurds" +"My. Lesbian neighbors bought me a. Rolex for my birthday. I think they misunderstood when","I said, I wanna watch" +"I got my mother a new fridge for her birthday","I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it" +"Just a small joke ^^^joke. My joke is bad, and","I feel bad." +"Why did the coffee file a police report","It got mugged" +"Why did the Nazi fail his driver’s ed test","He made two successful left turns but missed the third Reich" +"What do the nudists put on in the morning","Nonederwear" +"My daughter asked if I am going to die someday. I said Don't worry sweetheart","I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life" +"Don't spell part backwards","It's a trap" +"My father was talking about switching careers. Being in the midst of a conversation about wanting change he says I saw a posting and it's for a mirror factory job. I could really see myself working there","-" +"I’m not sure if. I should install a barrier around my yard","I’m a little on the fence" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When the punchline becomes apparent" +"Why did the toothpaste taste so fresh","Because it was in mint condition" +"What's yo momma's favorite logical fallacy","Ad YourMominem" +"How much room does fungi need to grow","As mushroom as possible" +"Don't drink water while studying chemistry","It lowers concentration" +"What do you call a dead lizard","A Die-nosaur" +"Eating at SubWay. I picked up my friends cup of water and put it on top of his sandwich. Why","So he would have an underwater sub" +"I've said it before","I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I've said it before" +"I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people","But none of them work" +"I used to be indecisive. But now","I am not so sure." +"Girlfriend got me today. Me: What's up","Her: Gas prices" +"Another Disney dad joke In Ragland Road (Irish pub in Downtown Disney) I spied a set of reusable corks. I called my littlest one over and asked her to put one in her mouth. When she asked why I told her it was a whine stopper","DAAAAAAD" +"My girlfriend wanted to go to a botanical garden in the mountains","I rose to the occasion." +"At the dinner table. My brother and I were arguing about something stupid at the dinner table when dad decided to chime in. Brother: You're not very bright, are you. Dad: Sure he is, he's so bright I call him son. Everyone: :I Me: I'm not hungry anymore. Dad: After all that soup I hope not","*leaves*" +"Why do humming birds hum","Because they forgot the words" +"Bob Seger is finally on Spotify","I guess they took those old records off the shelf" +"A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeeper says, You're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic. The horse replies, I don't think I am, and vanishes from existence","&#x200B; See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think; therefore, I am , but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse" +"My friend challenged me to write a joke about hammerhead sharks","Pretty sure I nailed it" +"A dad asks his son what he wants to be when he grows up A historian the son quickly remarks","The dad with a worried expression replies You do want to earn money when you grow up don't you, it's just I'm concerned there's no future in history" +"Breaking news; Count Chocula, the Stay-Puft marshamallow man and Teddy Graham, the Teddy Graham's cookie mascot, all died in a house fire today","S'more to come at 21" +"Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots","He was picking his nose" +"My dad was doing a crossword puzzle yesterday. Dad: hmmmm, I'm stuck on a clue Me: bet I can help Dad: ok, 4 across, the clue is overladen postman Me: how many letters","Dad: a blooming sack full" +"I watched my first porno the other day. Do you know what surprised me the most","How young I looked back then" +"To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket","You can hide but you can't run" +"They finally unveiled the first picture of a black hole the other day","The story really sucks you in and helps you understand the gravity of the situation" +"Why did the scientist stop playing with electricity","It Hertz" +"Why do they call it jelly, and not jam","Because it's jelly it's not jam" +"This has probably been posted before but: what do you call an acid with an attitude","A-mean-o-acid" +"How do you reattach a severed thumb","With a finger nail" +"Why did the nun bite her fingernails","It was a habit" +"What key do you get when you throw a piano down a mineshaft","A-flat minor" +"A colleague was asking about Laxatives at lunch I said Laxatives","You mean Pooformance Enhancing Drugs" +"One of my coworkers stopped by my desk. He said, 'The boss wants you","' I said, 'I'm flattered, but I'm straight" +"How do you catch a unique fish","U-nique up on it" +"I have a crippling phobia of lifts","I take multiple steps to avoid them" +"How do you find Will Smith in the snow","Look for fresh prints" +"What's orange and sounds like a parrot","A Carrot" +"I just drove by Fortune Road","It's a sign" +"I’m going to stop working and start breeding horses","It’s a stable business" +"Never thought my dad would do it My parents are both immigrants from Taiwan and came in the mid 80's. We've always owned restaurants (currently have a Japanese steak house this is important for later) so their English isn't all that bad and has improved over time. I've never gotten a single dad joke from him. Ever. Que yesterday we are driving home from a family dinner to celebrate his birthday. We all get into the vehicle and my mom says in Chinese You've got something hanging onto your shirt, it looks stringy. Is that a spider web. I respond, What. That's his pet, he can't raise a pet spider. Dad says, Yeah I raise them really big and fat so we can make spider rolls at the restaurant. (Spider roll is typically softshell crab in a roll with other stuffs for the non-sushi fans out there) I groaned, chuckled, then reveled in all that was my first dad joke. It was awesome. Thanks for reading guys","Sorry it's so long" +"Why did the lumberjack sit on his ax","He wanted to hatchet" +"My dad goes to a barber named Scotty just so he can say","Clean me up Scotty" +"What bee is not allowed in its beehive","Hepatitis - B" +"So I went into a library to look for books on turtles. Me: Do you have books on turtles. *Librarian leaves and comes back after a few minutes. * Librarian : Hard back","Me: Yeah,with a little head" +"My dear wife got me She sends me the following exchange on Facebook Messenger today, while I am elbows deep into a pile of shit @ work","Her: hey I heard darth vader's wife works in your building Her: Her name is Ella Vader Me: Go, just go" +"I submitted 10 Dad jokes into a contest to see if one would win","But no pun in ten did" +"Steve Irwin died the way he lived","With animals in his heart" +"If you are a dad and your name is Jay","your son needs to be named Jason" +"Dadjoked the crowd at my brother's wedding. So at the reception it was my turn to give a speech and it went like this: I'm going to start this off with a couple jokes. First, it was a rather emotional wedding right. I mean, my mom was crying, Charity was crying, hell even the cake was in tiers. (many groans throughout the crowd) Second joke, to some marriage is just a word, to others, a sentence","Besides all the groaning in the crowd I looked at my dad and saw that he was laughing so hard that he turned red and had tears in his eyes, that's how I knew they were good quality dadjokes" +"A man hires a landscape gardener to fix his garden","Landscape gardener says nope can't do it your gardens in portrait" +"(My dad looking at some oil today) Why is it virgin. I haven't seen a pregnant one yet","(I love my dad)" +"How do you cut the ocean in half","With a seasaw" +"Got a co-worker with this one as he was heading home after a 24hr shift. I work in the investigations section of a military police department, and aside from our normal office hours, we have 24hr shifts that cycle through the office, so that there's an investigator present and on-duty 24/7/365. My co-worker was wrapping up some paperwork this morning, and coming off of his 24 hr shift, and almost dead to the world. At the time, a pair of other investigators in my office were discussing some case that had happened a day or two prior that involved an emancipated juvenile. I was just logging into my workstation to check my e-mail and I turned to my co-worker and asked, Hey, so when a juvenile gets emancipated, and he announces it - proclaims it, if you will - what would they call that. He stares at me with a blank, uncomprehending expression and I continue, An emancipation. proclamation. Maybe","The annoyed groans of someone who's been up for 24 hours are so satisfying" +"Just called the tinnitus help line","It just kept on ringing" +"Police shoot would-be thief","Dad says who steals wood bees" +"What are the top two things that improve your hearing","Your ears" +"I had to get out of the small hotel business in Europe","It was a hostel work environment" +"Just found out how I’ll be paying my income tax in my new job as an undertaker","It’ll be pay as you urn" +"A duck walks in a pharmacy A duck walks in a pharmacy and says to the cashier, I'd like to buy some lip gloss. The cashier nodded and said Okay. How would you like to pay. Cash or Credit Card","The duck says Put it on my bill" +"Is this subreddit dead. No one's posted anything all year","Happy New Year from the UK" +"Did you know Russian soldiers used to eat pho for every meal","Back then, they were Soviet" +"Why cant a tyrannosaurus clap","It's extinct" +"Dad Joke a Guy at Work I helped out a manager at another area of my work place, bringing a leveler to adjust a table. After I finished, I was walking back to my work area when I noticed a guy who works there had his dinner out in a sealed Tupperware. This guy has been on a food diet for some months. I walk up to him, place the level atop of his Tupperware. When the bubble rests in between the lines, I tell him Looks like you're maintaining a *well-balanced* diet","He shook his head at me and I continued on my way" +"What do Zombie Plumbers crave. Drains,,,","Drains" +"What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend","Wipe" +"Where does the Nanny store her clothes","In her Drescher drawer" +"My wife is mad at me because I didn’t know the difference between washing soda and baking soda","It left her foaming at the mouth" +"Coming back from the NYIAS On a ferry to get to my car, a dad and his young son go to the window next to me. Dad: Well son, this is as far as the boat is going to dock. We still have a few feet so you are going to have to get out and swim the rest of the way. Son: No dad stop you are lying, its too cold to swim. Dad: Sorry buddy but I'm standing","The joke went over the little dudes head while I giggled like a school girl" +"I fear for the calender","It's days are numbered" +"Just got back from the state fair and saw the world's smallest pickle","It was no big dill" +"My dad supposedly became very emotional when I was born and said in tears I always knew I wanted two kids","I was their third" +"Becoming a vegetarian","is a big missed steak" +"We went to go see a play There was a dad behind me. His wife asked, what row are we in. He said, dolphin row. She looked confused and like she had enough of his shit. He smiled and said E. Like a dolphin","Then he broke out into a high pitch dolphin squeal, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee The depth of her sigh took five years off my life" +"What do you do when you see a spaceman","Park your car man" +"What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter","Pumpkin Pi" +"#2187. Sorry,. I know it's a repost, but","I love that one!" +"No matter how kind you are. German children will always be","Kinder" +"Why do apiculturists' spouses think that their eyes are beautiful","Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder" +"What do you call a French avocado practicing law. Un avocat","(Bilingual jokes, anyone" +"My wife likes to crochet and play guitar","She's a real knit picker" +"Went to a pumpkin patch a few weeks ago. I was A-maize-d by how corny the corn maze was. Definitely not worth the $5. It did have a lot in common with Dumbo though - it was all ears. And it did creep me out a bit","Felt like I was being stalked the whole time" +"Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c","Because you can't c in the dark" +"My son splashed soup all over my wife at dinner. After we cleaned the mess, because he thought it was party time not dinner time, my wife was sitting, defeated, on the couch lamenting having a rowdy toddler. She was listing all the things that could be different if he was calmer (the kid is always full-throttle and smart as fuck, I love it but it's a lot to handle) including not stinking like soup. I look into her eyes, hold her hands in mine, lift her chin up and said: Baby, I love you. You smell super","In unrelated news, sleeping on the couch is better than advertised" +"Hit my girlfriend with this one a few moments ago. We're sitting at dinner, talking about general things, when all of a sudden, she says I'm going to call my sister real quick. Why don't you just call her Abby. I replied","" +"Why were there bones on the moon","Because the cow didn't make it" +"Be careful if you go swimming in Philosophy Lake","It's deep" +"Dad joke goes dark My dad holds up today's newspaper, the headline reading No-kill shelter proposed","Well at least they're getting better with the homeless problem he said as he laughed his way out of the room" +"A book just fell on my head","I've only got myshelf to blame" +"I tried to start a flightless bird zoo","The business never took off" +"Why do bears have hairy coats","Fur protection" +"What did the ghost bring to the party","The Boos" +"What would happen if your mother were president","She would pass YoMamaCare" +"TIL the reason santa supposedly enters through the chimney is because that's traditionally how you were supposed to bring the christmas tree inside","They decided to change it though because it was a pine in the ash" +"I think I am funny","Because being humerus is in my bones" +"What time is it when you see an alligator","Time to run" +"A communist joke isn't funny","Unless everyone gets it" +"Dad joked my friends at lunch one day. I was sitting with some friends at lunch and one was asking if he could crash in another's dorm that night. He explained that he didn't have any supplies for the night. Friend: That's alright, I have some shampoo for you. Me: Oh yeah","Well I've got real poo" +"Why do melons always ask for their parents' permission to get married","Because they cantaloupe" +"My brother's farm is full of award winning cows","They're all outstanding in their field" +"Some light bulbs had a party last night. It was","LIT!" +"Why is the letter C afraid of the rest of the alphabet","Because all the other letters are Not-Cs" +"My feminist aunt is finishing up her usual tangent And she turns to my dad, And what do you think about women's rights","Well personally, I like both sides" +"Did you hear Willie Nelson got hit by a truck","He was playing on the road again" +"Laying in a hospital bed when my Dad dropped this one on me. Just finished getting an electrocardiogram when my dad and I had this conversation. Dad: What did they do to you. Me: E-C-G, Electrocardiogram. Dad: Isn't that an E-K-G. Me: I don't know, I thought it was an E-C-G. Dad: So, if E-C-G and E-K-G are both for electrocardiogram, what the hell is an E-G-G. Me: I have no idea","Dad: It's an egg, you idiot" +"I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet","I just don't know why." +"Bored at church, I took off my shoes and started to stare intensely at them. Wife: What on earth are you doing","Me: I think I’ve some problems with my inner sole" +"My father was complaining about his 'poor knees'","My mother replied, 'what about your nephews'" +"Why did the sea monster eat 5 ships carrying potatoes","Because you can't eat just one potato ship" +"I just got fired from my job as a pallbearer","I couldn't stop coffin" +"5YO: Dad, I'm hungry AND DON'T SAY HI HUNGRY I'M DAD Me: wow","that's a very long name, hungryAndDon'tSayHiHungryI'mDad" +"I saw a history teacher on the road. When we got to an intersection, they pulled over. I pulled over and asked if their car was Stalin","They said yes, but it was fine, he wasn't Russian to get to class" +"The giver. While watching the giver with my dad, he commented on how it was in black and white and","I said, Yeah, the book was in black and white too." +"How do you call a psychic midget who just escaped prison","A small medium at large" +"What's Padmé's favorite musical key","A Minor" +"Told my wife and kids that. I had a doctor appointment at 2:30","Wife immediately came back with, 2:30, wouldn't that be a dentist appointment" +"My wife asked her father where he was going. His reply: Upstate New York for a sand paper convention. It is going to be rough","(Yes he actually is going, and it is a real thing)" +"My friend dropped this one as we were driving over a bridge on a road trip across the state hey guys did you know that bridges generate static electricity. When we get over the center of the bridge touch the window We all touch the windows even though we have no idea where he is going. do you feel it","Do you feel the pane" +"Got my SO's dad at commencement After the commencement ceremony was over, we walk out and I say, Me: Man, it was getting toasty in there. SO's Dad: What. That stadium was freezing. Me: I thought it was hot. There must have been 500 degrees in there. I got headshakes from her sister and her mom, and a Hey. I'm totally using that. from her dad","I think I'm in" +"Four months in and I finally got one. We were looking at valentines stuff at Target with our baby. They had a stuffed monkey that came with those small, individual Reese's cups","I had to point out that it was ^a^reeses^monkey" +"After much outcry from the public, a politician removed their beard","They were trying to shave face" +"No escape from dad jokes, even at the aquarium I took my fiancée to the sea life centre this afternoon. In the walk-through tunnel under the aquarium, she spotted a fish which had a large wound on its side which looked quite nasty. ** I wonder what happened to it ** she asked. ** Maybe it fell off its motor-pike ** I replied","Eye rolling commenced" +"Thor,. The. Hulk, and. Captain. America meet at. Ikea. The. Avengers:. Some. Assembly","Required" +"My photographer friend was arrested today","The police found out he shot the family" +"What do you call a depressed presenter at a dental convention","A blue tooth speaker" +"I was giving my newborn a bath. So the bub was in the tub and I was giving his scalp a scrub. Our baby doesn't care too much for people rubbing his scalp so I start singing No, I don't want no scrub. My wife walks in and asks me if I am having any luck with clearing up his cradle cap","Well honey, things have been going a lot better since I tried a little bit of TLC" +"Why do boy bands always get lost","They can only travel in one direction" +"I said I’d tell my son a joke","I said “girls” He said “I don’t get it” I replied with “exactly”" +"What device do you weigh lizards with","A scale" +"My wife told me if she ever had Alzheimer’s she’d commit suicide to save me the burden","I told her that’s the sixth time she’s said that today" +"Best part of vacation Came home from a week vacation and uploaded 50 photos street lamps for everyone to see","They were all the highlights of the trip" +"Unloaded This One The Other Day. Friend at work - Hey, your beard is getting long. i like it Me - Yeah, it's really starting to grow on me Friend at work -","(walks away)" +"I can’t wait till my Wife and I have a our first baby","I’ll hand them to her and say “Here’s the fruits of your labor" +"What kind of school do belly buttons go to","Navel academies" +"What's Adele's favorite color","Yellow" +"I recently met a musical group of pirates","They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship" +"What do you call a polar bear in the jungle","Lost" +"How many bugs does it take to become a landlord","Ten ants" +"I know why waldo wears stripes","So he wouldn't be spotted" +"Did you know E. has an Italian cousin. His name is Z","-A joke told by my dad when I was on the phone with him this weekend" +"My friend hit me with one yesterday","It hurt" +"Son: Hey dad, have you seen my sunglasses","Dad: No, but you really should have thought of a better name for him" +"They were raised well [wedding] Priest: repeat after me Groom: after me P:","[to bride] is he serious Bride: no his name is gary" +"You go into the bathroom American. You leave the bathroom American. What are you when you’re in the bathroom","European" +"My family's group chat today http://imgur","com/yPKHTkB" +"The frickin dog even got me. Me: Hi Doggy how was your day","Doggy: RUFF" +"I want two new wipers for my. Renault . I said to the shop assisstant","He replied that's a good trade" +"I eat when I'm stressed and I'm stressed when doing taxes","I wind up come April in a higher slacks bracket" +"Just had relations with the wife I said thanks for ending July 4th with a bang","A loud groan was heard from the bed" +"Two guys walk into a bar","You'd think the other one would have seen it" +"Dad: Son, never cheat at a limbo contest","that's the lowest thing you can do" +"After a hard day of crime fighting, what does Batman have with his Whisky","Just ice" +"Why vegetarians can't go ballistic","Because they can't go HAM" +"Did you hear the joke about the letter with no stamp","You wouldn’t get it" +"I told my gay friend a joke","He couldn't keep a straight face" +"Someone once told me that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a kilometer away","It seems a bit far-fetched to me" +"Books of dad jokes. A buddy of mine is having a kid. Instead of getting them something they can actually use, I was planning on getting him a book of dad jokes. Any good ones","Recommendations" +"My wife asked if she picked the best cheese","I told her that’s gouda, but you can do feta" +"What did Deleware","A new jersey" +"Did you hear about Godzilla in Korea","Residents described events as Seoul-crushing" +"Whipped this one out at work One of my coworkers is a transsexual. He (formerly she) was telling me about some of his struggles. I had to go up to the corporate level in order to be able to use the restroom. Some people here were uncomfortable with me using either the mens or women's room when they found out. So, what you're telling me is. You had to fight for your right to potty. At first he facepalmed and sighed, admittedly I was a little worried I might have offended him","But he did get a chuckle out of it" +"My dad used to get shot from a cannon at the circus. When he retired they had to close the show","They couldn't find another man of his caliber" +"Do you want some leftover meatloaf. No thanks. I don't like meatloaf. More of a Rush fan then","(groans around the lunchroom table)" +"Diagnosing a diseased catfolk in our Dungeons & Dragons game. So we are playing dnd and our Catfolk Barbarian gets sick from being bitten from a giant tick a few days ago. She's pretty salty about it because it's made her physically weaker and she can't hit thing as well. The GM (her dad) says She is sick with a disease that's like an extreme form of lime disease. My God . I said It's Lemon Disease. Without skipping a beat the GM says, Yes. And it's made a sour puss","We all die" +"Why was the pony having trouble neighing","Because he was a little hoarse" +"How do you know if a bear is suitable for a job","It's koalified" +"What does it mean if you see a turtle on a fence post","Somebody put it there" +"Beer is good for you. Me: Beer is bad for you. Dad: No it isn't, rumor has it beer makes you smarter. Me: I don't think that's true","Dad: It made bud wiser" +"Why does the sun have no need to go to college","It already has 27 million degrees" +"My son asked if we could watch two films back to back. I said, sure, as long as. I'm the one facing the","TV." +"What happened to Casper after his girlfriend cut all contact","He got mortalled" +"Why did 27 eat alone","Because 28" +"Woke up last night to a commotion coming from the refrigerator. I opened it and Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg started blasting out of it. I asked my wife, Did you buy some green onions today. Yeah, she said. Why","I think you picked up a couple of rapscallions" +"Teenage Jesus won't go to bed. Mary, Mother of Jesus, is trying to get her son to go to bed and is having no luck. She decides to pray to God to help her in her task. She asks Dear God, our blessed child is restless and just won't stay tucked into bed, will you help me. God sighs and addresses Jesus My son, please listen to your mother and get some rest. To which Jesus responds No way, Dad","God grins and replies Yaweh" +"My daughter identifies as a small group of words standing together as a conceptual unit, typically forming a component of a clause","Should I be worried or is it just a phrase" +"Two antennas met on a roof. They fell in love, and got married","The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was exellent" +"How do you start a flea circus","You build it from scratch" +"If women go through menopause","do men go through womenopause" +"Until I get my own, I like to treat my students as my kids. Since it's Friday, our students were allowed to come in costume for Halloween today. I came to work wearing my best suit. When my students came in asked what I was supposed to be. My response was, What do you mean who am I supposed to be. I was told to dress up for Halloween and I did. Many eyerolls and groans were had","This is turning out to be great practice when I have kids of my own" +"So I just heard that Ireland will be making their own version of South Park","It's going to be called Kilkenny" +"What do you call it when a stalagmite and a stalactites finally bump into each other in the center of a cave","A stala-fight" +"I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners","I'm not a fan" +"GIF http://i. imgur. com/bXcJN1e","gif" +"I've made a ouija board using alphabeti spaghetti","**It's great for contacting people who've pasta way" +"My cat loves the tampon. I gave him to play with","It's totally absorbed him" +"How does the moon cut his hair","Eclipse it" +"What do you call cheese made with a bit of a human hand","Palmesan" +"So we're driving past some sheep. Dad: Son, do you know how to get the attention of those sheep. Me: . No","Dad: (shouting out the window) Hey ewe" +"Two fleas were sitting on a toilet seat","One of them got pissed off." +"My wife is like a newspaper","she has a new issue every day" +"I took my dad to a nice restaurant. The hostess asked us if we had a reservation","Without missing, a beat my dad said, “No, I am fully confident I want to eat here" +"What did the acorn say when it grew up","Geometry" +"My dad during the ufc fights My mom is the guy a Brazilian","Dad No, he's younger than that" +"Why didn't the gardener plant any flowers","Because she hadn't botany" +"I asked my amputee daughter if she could guess what we are having for dinner tonight. She replied with I don't know dad","I'm stumped" +"What do you do when you wanna keep your chocolate spread a secret from a girl","You do Nutella" +"We were driving over a bridge. And the sign said draw bridge ahead. He said, I can't draw a bridge","I'm driving" +"A man with authority walks into a bar","He ordered everyone around" +"I. HATE pizza jokes","They’re too cheesy" +"The biggest gender reveal was in Japan","They had a little boy" +"My sister mentioned to my parents that her underwear have holes in them and she needs some more. My dad replied with how many holes","Because they should have three" +"What happened to the frog that parked illegally","He got toad" +"What kind of underwear do long distance runners wear","Marathongs" +"Had to step in for my absent dad for my younger brother. So we're driving down the road and a flock of birds are migrating south for the winter (this was in the fall). I ask my brother: Do you know why the one side of the v is longer than the other. My Brother: Why. Me: Because there are more birds on that side","He wasn't impressed" +"That girl looks like a Rachel","Dad: That's Rachel profiling" +"What do you call an empty jar of Cheez-Wiz","Cheez\-Was" +"Two clowns are eating a cannibal","The first clown says to the second I think we're doing this joke wrong" +"Did you hear about the latest thing Donald Trump is trying to do. He’s planning to ban shredded cheese","He just wants to make America grate again" +"Dadjoked my suffering fiance last night A splinter got in her slipper and she stepped on it: Her: ow, this splinter is a major pain","Me: it's ok, General Anesthesia out ranks it" +"I can list every single number that's in Pi","1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 0" +"Some people think my car looks like a fruit","At least I avocado" +"A man robbed me with milk and cream today","How dairy" +"So what did one strawberry say to the other","If you'd listen to me we wouldn't be in this jam" +"What do teachers and road workers have in common","They both grade on a curve" +"Got sucked into that one. Dad: Hey we got a new vacuum. It sucks. Me: Really. Dad: I hope it does","Then he proceeds to tell me another dad joke that he put on Facebook" +"I was in Istanbul for a vacation. And it's common to find döner and kebap as street food. After walking around a whole day with my friends, we found a 3 seat bench and squeezed all 4 of us on it. After we settled, I turned to my friends and said Hehehe. 'Squish' kebap","Head shakes, groans, and so bad, it's good laughter followed" +"There's a pirate on the corner selling corn Just a buck an ear","(My dad STILL tells this joke" +"Why did the Scarecrow get a raise","Because he was outstanding in his field" +"What do the sixth sense and the titanic have in common","Icy dead people" +"My girlfriend told me she hates the noise I make when she says something cute","At least she's being aww-nest" +"My friend just got a huge promotion at the pickle factory","Turns out, he's a pretty big dill" +"Someone stole my mood ring","I dont know how i feel about that" +"What’s a cucumbers favourite instrument. A","Pickle-o" +"dad dynasty I'm not sure if I'm breaking any rules or not but we made this video and thought you all would like it. https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=hy5LGcKdFEw" +"Girlfriend dadjoked me on a hike We were right below the flight path of the major airport in the area because there was a plane that was fairly close to the ground. So I said I wonder why they are flying so low. to which she responds I don't think so, they probably have more than one passenger. I stare at her. she goes So low. Solo. I laughed and groaned","She will make a great dad" +"Why is pride month in the summer","Because pride goeth before the fall" +"Hey, it looked good on paper I just got my old boss with this. My current boss and I were talking about his origami skills, and that the school I work at doesn't have an origami program. My old boss suddenly pops in to say It took this long for (department) to figure out we don't have an origami program","So naturally I respond with We did have an origami program, but it folded He cringed and laughed and had to leave the office to get away" +"The waitress asked me, Did everything come out alright","Not yet, but I'll let you know in a couple hours" +"What are a chocolates pronouns","Her/she" +"Yesterday, I learned about confirmation bias","Now I see it everywhere" +"My boss's dad used to carry a coin with T-U-I-T around the outer edge. When ever he asked someone when they were going to get something done and they replied with When I get around to it","He would hand them the coin" +"People who work in gas stations are lucky","They've got a fuelfilling job" +"I found a set of deer nunchucks at the store today for $5","I was going to buy them but I remembered they used to be under two bucks" +"Did you here about the psychic dwarf that escaped prison","They put out a call that there was a small medium at large" +"What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver. One goes *Whack*, Darn","The other goes Darn, *Whack*" +"If you can think of a better fish pun. let minnow","(The reel joke is in the comments)" +"I have a lion's heart. And a lifetime ban from the. San. Diego","Zoo" +"Teacher: Good morning, how are you. Student: Not good. Teacher: What's wrong. Student: My sister is at the hospital. She can't even speak or walk. Teacher: Oh no. What happened","Student: She was born yesterday" +"Running errands today with my dad So, we were passing through a not-so-wonderful part of town, and we drove by an old building with a wooden board with the words NO TRES PASSING spray-painted on it like that. My dad pointed to the building and said Look, you can't walk past that building three times or you'll get shot. No *tres* passing, si","I groaned, but I knew that I would've made the same joke in his position" +"Want to hear my pizza joke","Never mind, it's too cheesy" +"Son, I don't think you're cut out to be a mime. Was it something I said. asked the son","Yes Lol credit goes to someone over on r/jokes" +"A tip for dads with menstruating wives. Menstruation jokes are not funny","Period" +"In bed with my wife when everything finally made sense. Me: Hey babe, what do you call it when you give a penis a drawn-on hair style. Her: Uhh. Do I want to know. Me: A cock-a-doodle-do. Posting from my couch tonight. Hopefully I can sleep well enough here","Not sure I'm allowed back in the bedroom yet" +"(From my daughter) Who investigates toilet crimes. The Poolice","It's their doody" +"Son: Dad, I had Indian food for lunch today. The gooey naan was excellent. Dad: What’s gooey naan. Son: Not much","What’s going on with you" +"What's a basketball players favourite snack","Swish cheese" +"what do you call an iphone that hates women","an incellular device" +"*sigh* Oh dad My brother: You have bags under your eyes. Me: Huh. *turns to dad* Do I have bags under my eyes","Dad: Paper or plastic" +"Why was the stadium so cool","Cause it was filled with fans" +"Dad thinks he's so hot My mom likes to tell this story of when they were both getting ready in the morning. He was taking a really hot shower, and she came in and said, Lord, you're making it steamy in here. It's not The Lord, he said, it's just me","Imagine that said with an attitude" +"Why did the scarecrow get an award","He was outstanding in his field" +"Car Left Our neighbor pulled out of his driveway in a Honda. I said Looks like he left on his own Accord","My wife then walked out of the room \- Dan Regan @Social\_Mime" +"Do all lawyers have bad teeth or something","They all tell me I can pay them in retainers" +"Who can drink 20 litres of fuel","Jerrycan" +"Husband got me in bed tonight. My husband and I are laying in bed messing around on our phones. He's playing Hay Day and I'm reading Reddit. I look over and see he's fishing so I mention that I recently got the ability to make nets in Hay Day. In fact, I got a free mystery net to try while I'm making new ones. He asks me who Mr. E Net is","I laughed and immediately came here to share with you guys" +"I once new a hooker. I asked her how she liked her job. She said m eh. There’s a lot of coming and going. It’s an an in and out type of job","Edit; knew* thank you" +"My three year old is learning well We were making a wooden frame for the family picture. Me I got glue on my fingers","Son looks like you're in a sticky situation" +"I'm reading a book about gravity","And I can't put it down" +"Standing helps you make decisions","Cause it forces you to think on your feet" +"Which part of a race car ruins your movie","Spoiler" +"Did you hear the one about the little oranges that got stuck in a bucket","Man-dar-in trouble" +"How long does it take to play a game of Fortnite","2 weeks" +"I hate","Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves." +"Why was Billy Mays so much fun to be around","Because he partied like it was $19" +"Spent $300 on a limo and it didn't even come with a driver","After spending all that money, I've got nothing to chauffeur it" +"How did the CIA find out that Kim Jong Un poisoned his half brother","Foreign sick science" +"My girlfriend works in. TV","I still don’t know how she fits in there." +"Why didn't the cannibal eat the clown","Because it tasted funny" +"There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting. He said, Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair. What I want you to do. the man continued. Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong. So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them","And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline" +"What's the longest sentence ever","Life imprisonment" +"What do you call a Spanish VR headset that happens to be a shampoo brand","El Vive" +"What did one goose say to the other","Let's get the flock out of here" +"I can’t believe the entirety of Jefferson City had to go see a therapist","It’s sad, everyone is in a constant state of Missouri" +"Dad-joked again Me- Man, my right ear won't stop ringing. Dad- Why don't you just answer it","*groan*" +"What’s blue and not heavy","Light blue" +"What do you call a blind hunting trophy","No eye-deer" +"I gave all my dead batteries away","Free of charge" +"I think. I ate some bad seafood","I've been feeling a little eel" +"Wanted to shot some skunked beer cans with my BB gun but my dad wouldn't let me","He said it was alcohol abuse" +"GF Got Me At The Movies Last Night Me (making fun of Indiana): Do you want some of my corn. Her: Isn't it Pop's corn. Guy behind us: Really","*tries to hold laughter*" +"Wanna hear a bird pun","Well this is hawkward" +"They invented the toothbrush in. Arkansas","If they'd have invented it anywhere else, they'd have called it a teethbrush." +"Whats the differance between a sock and a camera","One takes five toes and other one takes fo toes" +"GF: I love you Me: I love the sequel GF:","Me: I love you 2 *cue groans*" +"You know what animal has the hardest life","Dogs have it pretty ruff" +"How does Moses make his tea. Hebrews it","no, I’m serious; that Israeli how he does it" +"Just got my grandfather As he's telling my grandmother about done tests he'll have to have done on his knee he mentioned a PET scan. My grandmother asked what it was and I jumped in just in time to say, It's like a CAT scan, but more domesticated","My grandfather was proud" +"My grandfather sold abacuses for a living in the 1960s","He was part of the counter culture" +"M6 girlfriend turned out to be a communist. How did","I ignore so many obvious red flags." +"Today's SMBC: So I said 2 gongs don't make a right. http://www. smbc-comics. com/index. php","id=3959" +"So I was eating an improperly cooked pudding. For dessert we'd made something called a queen of cakes which involves a custard and breadcrumb base and a meringue topping. The custard hadn't set properly and as eating I said, This hasn't set properly, it's like curdled custard. seconds later my dad replied with Was that in the dining room with the candlestick","I was the only one that got it, I must say I'm impressed, just finished a game of cluedo with the family" +"How do you turn on the dishwasher","I blow in her ear I said this to my ex-father-in-law without thinking about it first" +"Which joint of the body can play both Football & Baseball","elBOw Jackson" +"What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo","One's really heavy, the other's a little lighter" +"A man wanted to impress his friends so he stole a train…","The police said That's a loco motive." +"Why can't the grim reaper hear","Because he is deaf!" +"Where does Frosty keep his money","In the snow bank" +"What did the baker name his dog","Pido" +"My Uber passenger texted me before I pulled up to the pin. I receive a ping 3 miles away as I’m approaching the ping I get a text “ honk your horn excessively until I come outside when you get to xxx address I’ll tip $20”. So I pull up to the pin and start blowing my horn for a solid min. My passenger comes out looking a little annoyed he gets in and we head to his destination. We pull up to his house and his dad is standing outside waiting for him, he greets him and asked how his ride was, he said the drive was great but the fucker blew his horn non stop until I came outside","His dad said that’s weird and handed me a $20" +"The other day, I poisoned myself while shaving my butt","I gave my arse a nick" +"What do you call a cat thats lost a life","Octopus" +"I don't like having long hair","but it's kind of growing on me" +"Did you hear about the guy that invented Tic Tacs","They say he made a mint" +"How did Hitler feel when the Allies attacked his bunker","He was Fuhrerious" +"What do you call a dessert made with eight different ingredients","Octo-pie" +"The. Lord told. John to come forth and he will receive eternal life","He came fifth and got a toaster" +"What did the traffic light say to ther car","Don't look I'm changing" +"I wanted more bread so. I placed a slice in a cage","It's now being bread in captivity" +"What do you pay a vampire assassin with","Blood money" +"Are you all right","No, im half left" +"About two months ago, I developed an umbilical hernia and my belly button was removed","Now I'll never live out my dream of attending the US Navel Academy" +"I was asked at an interview what my weakness is. I replied I'm too honest . The interviewer said I don't consider honesty a weakness","I said I don't give a fuck what you think" +"I want to give a shout out to the all the sidewalks","For keeping me off the streets" +"I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver","I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me" +"Our whole family is really worried about grandpa's viagra addiction","Grandma is taking it particularly hard" +"I am a receptionist and a girl asked me to change £1 Me: How do you want the change. Girl: 50 50 Me: So you are not sure","The girl laughed but the friend took a bit more time to understand" +"Hey I just met you, and this is crazy. but here's my number, so call me maybe Hi Maybe","I'm dad" +"Titties So my girlfriend likes to talk in a baby voice sometimes. I don't mind it and find it fairly cute. Well she's been wanting to go get a kitten and every time she mentions is she says it as can we go look at titties today. Instead of kitties. Well I woke her up and in her half asleep voice she asks me Can we go look at titties today. I say sure, we'll go to the shelter later. And she responds Hooters or twin peaks","It took me a minute but she definitely got me on this one" +"I did 10 years in my 20s. Now","I'm 30" +"What happens to an air conditioner when you pull the plug on it","It loses it's cool" +"What is a cop’s favorite seasoning","Pepper spray" +"One of my employees was having problems with his vehicle's​ audio system. Him: My bass is so loud, it's vibrating my negative terminal off of the battery. Me: So in other words, the bass is giving you treble","He's a dad too so, he laughed" +"Yesterday there was a guy stealing stuff from my kitchen","He was busted since he was pan-nicking" +"Shout out to all the sidewalks I've walked in my life. for keeping me off the streets. (My friends hilarious-ass boss is a walking dadjoke","He posts this joke regularly on their facebook-esque staff site)" +"I am going to get a tattoo of a cigarette on my back","That way I will have a bad habit tat" +"I tried to explain steak puns to my daughter","But it's a rare medium well done." +"My daughter just said “I’m only happy when it rains”","I told her that was garbage." +"“Beatles or Stones. ”, I asked my son. “Why can’t we have something normal for dinner","”, he replied" +"What did the fish say when he was caught by the fisherman","I'm ofishially done with life" +"Why do Roofers always work for free","Becauae their job is on the house" +"Woman used to call me ugly until they looked at my money","Now they call me ugly and poor" +"If you were to second guess your decision on booking a trip to a Native American community","That would be a reservation reservation reservation" +"What would call a super hero whose super ability is helping people move","Pack man" +"What do you want for dinner. Son: *snickering* I'm craving some updog Dad: hi craving some updog, I'm dad","lol nice try nerd" +"What musical instrument is found in the bathroom","A tuba toothpaste" +"What does the sun say to the earth every New Year's Day","Happy Bearthday" +"Son: Mom. Dad. I'm Gay","Dad: Hi Gay, I'm dad" +"Corn sale at Walmart Girlfriend: Walmart has corn for 20 cents an ear Me:Wow. That's a great deal. How much corn do you think we can eat in a year. Girlfriend:Not a year,an ear. Me: Since when can you buy an ear at Walmart","She just put her head down and walked into the other room" +"Any of you guys looking to buy an Ark. I can help","I Noah guy" +"Dadjoked at a Chinese restaurant. Me: *Reading food labels* Soy sauce. Dad: Hola sauce","Soy Padre" +"Why did the computer say hello","Because it was A Dell" +"First I got a tattoo on my cervical that said 5","Next, I got one on my thoracic that said 4 Then, I got one on my lumbar that said 3 After that, I got one on my Sacrum that said 2 And now, I'm getting one on my Coccyx that says 1 It's the spinal countdown" +"What do you call a pregnant woman with a window in her stomach","A womb with a view" +"I gave a ps5 to my gf I consoled her","She was crying" +"What's a paradigm","About 20 cents" +"Did you hear about the guy who killed himself cause the doctor had to amputate his toes due to complications with diabetes","I guess he was also lack toes intolerant" +"Did you hear about the guy who stayed up all night, wondering where the sun had gone","The next morning, it dawned on him" +"What did Tonto say to the Lone Ranger when his dog ran off the 300 foot cliff","Dog gone" +"What does a manatee teach in school","Hu-manatees" +"What's the worst way to greet a German celiac sufferer in the morning","Gluten Morgen" +"What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car","Carlos" +"What's the state vegetable of California","Califlower" +"The water vapor passed right by me","It was a mist opportunity" +"Nudist Convention Just seen that there's a nudist convention on in town next week","Might go if I've got nothing on" +"Be vigilant I hate to do this about a local business but feel you deserve to know. 😕 ** Be aware ** We ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place (I'm not going to name them) I'd just been to pick it up and as I were driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving. I thought what the hell is that. Has something got in the bag. I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers. I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down . And there it was","A Peeking Duck" +"side-splitting humor Got my fiancé with this one last night: (after a failed joke) Me: Well I thought it was funny. Her: Too bad the person next to you didn't","*cracks up at her own joke* Me: I'm beside myself with laughter" +"How long is a Chinese name. Edit: My bad","How Long is a Chinese name" +"I saw my psychiatrist last week. I told him I keep thinking I'm a teepee AND a wigwam. He told me You know what your problem is. You're too tense. . Too tense. Two tents. Get it","BA-DUM TISCH" +"How to. Fall down the. Stairs:. A. Simple. How-To. Step 1. Step 2. Step 3. Step 6. Step 12. Step 20","And that concludes my simple how-to." +"Why couldn't the dog move any more","Because she was stuck on paws" +"This dad got a police dispatcher good. Dispatcher: Hello this is 911 what's your emergency. Dad: Yeah hi, I was just walking through the woods and I found a suitcase in a bush and inside there's a fox and 4 cubs. Dispatcher: Oh my god, that's horrible. Are they moving","Dad: I don't know to be honest, but that would explain the suitcase" +"Did you hear about the energizer bunny","He was arrested on battery" +"Did you know that beer can make you smarter","It made my Budweiser" +"Its a race-something. got my GF good last night My GF and I were driving to a restaurant and I needed to get gas. There was a gas station on the way but my GF couldnt think of the name. GF: I think its called race-something. Me: Hopefully its not ism GF: Huh. Me: Ism, hopefully its not racism She laughed. She was thinking it would be a Racetrack but it ended up being a Sunoco","I love dad jokes" +"What do you call tree that knows martial arts","Spruce Lee" +"Multi-billion dollar dad joke [Elon Musk is an inspiration to us all](https://en. wikipedia","org/wiki/The_Boring_Company)" +"What begins with an e and ends with an e but only has one letter","An envelope" +"Time flies like an arrow","And fruit flies like a banana" +"Well mister","Fancy-Pants-Doctor man answer me this if smoking so dangerous how come it cures bacon?" +"My wife is really mad at the fact that. I have no sense of direction. So","I packed up my stuff and right" +"I ordered a chicken and an egg from. Amazon","I’ll let you know" +"What do you get when you cross a chicken with a skunk","A fowl smell" +"I gave my daughter money to go buy a dog at the pet store. She disobeyed and came back with a cat instead","You’ve got to be kitten me" +"Will glass coffins prove popular","Remains to be seen" +"HELP. My father is in denial, he doesn't believe dadjokes are a thing","He thinks he made them up, and he is hilarious" +"I just saw your math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper. I bet he must be plotting something","u/UsedFloorMatt" +"My boss yelled at me for cutting articles out of a magazine at work","He said to do it on my own Time" +"My sister said we should turn on some music during dinner. My dad said we should listen to House music because we are at home","I love my dad" +"After practising for 5 years without getting a single booking,. I suggested my son's band change their name to 1023mb","They still haven't got a gig, though." +"People tell me I should learn to change a tire","But I'm pretty comfortable with my wardrobe" +"Not only does it make sense to get a job as an adult","It makes dollars." +"What does a Chicagoan call his brother’s daughter","Da niece" +"My dad uses this one all the time","Sign: Environmentally Sensitive Area Dad: Those are ugly trees" +"I got stuck in the loft last night","That was problem-attic" +"I just got my wife with this one in the delivery room My wife has been in labour for about 18 hours and was at 8-9cm of dilation when the nurse last checked. The nurse said that she'll wait another half hour before checking again and then hopefully she can start pushing. My wife said sure, what's another half hour","I said 30 minutes" +"“Hey, did you just move to the 7th floor apartment from your 6th floor one","” “Yes, but that’s another story" +"Did you hear about the nationwide sting operation on those who mix drinks","Many of them are behind bars now" +"For the past year, I’ve been going out drinking alternating between my friend Greg one week and my other friend Ian the next week","I’m on a Greg-or-Ian calendar" +"How do you ask the ocean for a favor","Beach please" +"Got my friend while we were hiking I picked up a rock to throw him: you keeping that as a souvenir","me: nah, I'm not a sedimental guy" +"What did the artist say when he couldn't find his car","Hey, where did my Van Gogh" +"How do you make the bugs in your yard pay rent","You fineants" +"It all","Title says it all" +"Why was the elevator always angry","People just kept pushing his buttons" +"Last night my wife and. I watched three movies back to back. Luckily,","I was the one facing the tv." +"What's a pirate's favorite car","A Toyota Yarrrris" +"What is Pennywise the Clown's preferred pronoun","It" +"Chocolate ice cream Working at an ice cream parlor there was a customer that insisted I serve him chocolate ice cream even though we were out of it. He just wouldn’t give up. So I said “let’s play a game”. How many “vans” are in vanilla ice cream. -he said “one”(correct) So how many “straws” are in strawberry ice cream. He said “one” again (correct) So then how many “ F’s” are in chocolate ice cream","He said there is no “F” in chocolate ice cream - I said “Exactly- THERE IS NO F IN CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM" +"Did you hear about the bitter computer technician","He had a microchip on his shoulder" +"I saw my friend Jacqueline standing next to a pool table. I asked her, “Where is your cue","” She said, “Right after the C" +"My son just put a small toy plane on the tree And then said it's just a plain ornament. Get it. Because it doesn't have decoration but it's also a plane","I was pretty proud" +"My wife is from Canada. She has an Eh -type personality","Source: am a dad, said this with her in the room" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When it's a-parent" +"What’s the coolest letter in the","Alphabet ‘B’ because it’s surrounded by ‘AC’" +"My job is really draining","Said every plumber ever" +"What do you call someone who's afraid of Santa","Claus-trophobic" +"I think I'm ready for children I was hauling in a very large load of groceries, both arms to capacity, because I'm a man and I'll be damned if I'm going to go back for a second trip. And I heard a thud as something fell out of one of my grocery bags, I looked back and there they were, the top heavy vegetable that will be chopped up and put into my stew","And all I could think to myself was: &nbsp; Oh no, I've sprung a leek" +"Classics are classics for a reason. Talking to a co-worker and she asks what time it is Time to go to the dentist What. Why's that","Well, its two-thirty, isn't it The shrivelling look of disapproval I got was a true honour" +"How do you make a salad wrap","By adding some beets" +"What Scottish city did Fred Flintstone visit","Yabaderbadeen" +"What do you say when there’s a mushroom near a group of people","THERES A FUNGUS AMONGUS" +"Did you know the first French Fries weren't cooked in France","They were cooked in Greece" +"Finding your lost luggage at the airport should be easy","However, sadly that's not the case" +"I tried an Easter beer","Too hoppy for me" +"Happened at a restaurant a couple days ago. We we're all finishing our meals and began opening our fortune cookies. Brother: Hey, my cookie didn't have a fortune in it","Father: Well that's unfortunate" +"My fiance is kidding","I mean shes pregnant." +"While preparing my lunch today, I used a lot of one particular ingredient, just so I could dad-joke my friend Image of food preparation and how it went down: http://i. imgur. com/sYdDfrW","png" +"Scientists have announced that invisibility is impossible","They couldn't make it any clearer" +"What did the man say to his favourite tree","I love Yew" +"I hate. Mondays","They're too mundayne" +"How do thiefs operate in airports","They hide in plane sight" +"My girlfriend is annoyed because I won't stop making duck jokes","Judging from the look on her face, I don't think I mallard to say them anymore" +"Mom has been taking cues from Dad. After my cat got a little too playful with a young bird today, we took it in so it could rest until it's able to fly again. Dad suggested we give it a little sugar water in a dropper, so Mom filled one up and the little guy started drinking away. Aww, that's so sweet, I said","To which mom replied, Well, it's sugar water" +"Why did the spider break up with her partner","She found a string that wasn't hers" +"After years of research, experts finally determined the leading cause of dry skin:","Towels." +"Got the whole family at the. Chinese restaurant. This chicken is so spicy, it'll","Sichuan fire." +"For fuck's sake Sometimes you can really tell if a redditor is a dad or not http://imgur","com/NxrfmPO" +"What will happen to the EU's computers when Brexit happens","They'll have an additional 1 **GB** of free space" +"Did you hear about the streaker nun","She did it out of habit" +"Last night, burglars stole all of the toilets from the local university","Police say they have nothing to go on" +"During the World Cup During the pre-game, when showing the teams about to compete: >Dad: Oh man, those guys are gonna be slip-slidin' all over the place. >Me: Why. Is it raining. >Dad: No, its Greece","goddammit" +"Dads working together. I work with another dad, and all day we trade off dad jokes cracking each other up. This one is from yesterday Paul (the other dad) was asking about a new fixture we had at work. it was explained it was a highly sensitive camera used to test the polarity of magnets. I then came around the corner and Paul wanted to tell me about it. Paul: This is a new thing from Ancestry. com. I can stand by it and it will tell me what percentage Polish I am Me: Wow, although I have a similar thing right inside of me","My stomach can tell me how Hungry I am" +"World Cup top scorer so far Is Owen. Ans really who is that guy","All i know is that so far i have hear Owen goal for 5 different teams" +"Dad joked the dad I was helping pops hang decorative patio lights and I asked him if I took those lights out of your hand, would you be de-lighted","He was quite proud of me" +"Add this classic to your repertoire Kid: I gotta pee. Dad: I've got a Q","Want an R" +"I don't much like mermaids","There's something fishy about them" +"What kind of treatment does a clownfish need when it gets cancer","Nemo therapy" +"Who built King Arthur's round table","Sir Cumference" +"Skinny jeans aren't for everyone","I personally don't think I could pull them off" +"What's the opposite of misogyny","Mistersogyny" +"My poultry business isn’t doing so well, my chicken account is almost at zero","lol" +"What did the tall girl say to the short guy. “Can you go up on me. ” Ok. I just said that to a 5’10 girl on tinder (I’m 5’8) and we’re meeting up tonight","Never sell yourself short" +"I used to date this pirate chiropractor","but she was holding me back" +"Did you hear about the salad race the other day","The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was trying to ketchup" +"Got my wife yesterday. We were coloring with our daughter, and I found a crayon labeled manatee. I showed it to her and she remarked that she knew what color a manatee was now. I explained that not all manatees are gray - some come in a variety of bright colors","Whenever people see one, they exclaim, oh, the hue manatee" +"Not a dad, but I hope you can torment your kids with this one. So, Arthur's dad is writing a letter to his sister when he suddenly feels a sharp pain in his hand. So he yells, &nbsp; __ARTHUR. ARTHUR. __ Yeah, Dad, what's going on. __ARTHUR. __ Dad, what's wrong. __Quick, don't ask any questions. I'm going to say some words and you write them down. __ Why can't you write them down. __Arthur, write this","__ _(If it doesn't make sense, read the last line out loud" +"How do you differentiate between a girl ant and a boy ant. You put them in water","If it sinks, it's a girl ant, if it floats, it's buoyant" +"Why do photographers have such a bad reputation","They are always framing people" +"My job is telling genuine trees apart from fake trees. I was so worried I'd be bad at it but as it happens I'm quite good","That's a real leaf" +"What has black hair and can be found in red blood cells","Emoglobin" +"Me to Dad: Milk has been giving me a cough. Dad: It's all the extra mooo-cus in your throat. Took me a few times over to catch it","sigh" +"Here's a little dadjoke for all of you","^(dadjoke)" +"How do locomotives know where to go","Lots of training" +"Wait, what. On the phone with my dad: Dad: Mom says she loves you. Me: Tell her I love her back Dad: Her back. Why don't you love her front","Me: wut" +"What do you call a sailboat you don’t recognize at your regatta","A catamarando" +"What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo","One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter" +"I was walking with my golf clubs a couple blocks to my car. I stopped next to a Dad at a street corner. He looked at me and said heh","must have been a pretty bad slice" +"WWE decided to stop John Cena pay-per-view events in the United Kingdom. Because when John Cena visits UK, EU can't see him","*Ba dum tss*" +"CASHIER: Would you like the milk in a bag, sir","DAD: No, just leave it in the carton" +"what do you think about Clinton possibly becoming president","I think it's hillaryous" +"While talking about dessert at dinner tonight. 6 year old: How do you make ice cream. Me: You take you sunglasses off on a really bright day. 6 year old: What","Me: That how you make eyes scream" +"I used to work on a ranch that had 99 cattle but when","I rounded them up there was 100." +"Did you hear about that wooden car with the wooden wheels, the wooden doors, and the wooden steering wheel","It wooden work" +"Vital signs I'm an EMT and I was doing paperwork. My partner walks up to me with the vitals of a patient. BP was done with an automated cuff. Me: What's the blood pressure. Him: 165/95 Me: That's odd, heart rate. Him: 77 Me: Odd, respirations. Him: 16, is that odd too. Me: No, that's even","I found it hilarious" +"Which insects is the biggest","The centipede, because they can grow up to 100 feets" +"What type of insect keeps falling over","A tumble-bee" +"I asked a friend what he thought of dry ice","He said it was absolutely sublime" +"I recently found out that im allergic to whiskey","Every time I drink it I break out into tears and bad decisions" +"Why did Johnny Appleseed carry an axe. To have better axe-ess to apples","As told by my 8 year old" +"What do you name a guy who agrees with everything","Sherman" +"So, I was in my room and I saw a group of 10 ants So, I was in my room and I saw a group of 10 ants just running frantically. I felt bad, so I made a small house for them out of a cardboard box. This technically makes me their landlord and they are my","Tenants" +"I tried drag racing the other day","It's murder trying to run in heels." +"My friend passed away after drinking an out of date coffee","I just hope it was instant" +"What is a wok","Why its what you thwow at wabbits" +"It's amazing that cops don't raise honey bees on the side","They're experts at sting operations" +"Soo. My 7 yr. old daughter dropped this one on me. I think I'll keep her. We're watching the live action 101 Dalmatian movie. It's the scene where Cruella falls through the floor and lands in what looks like a bunch of poop, chasing after one of the puppies. My daughter asks me, What is that stuff she fell into supposed to be. I replied, Pretty sure it's supposed to resemble poop","She goes, So I guess that puppy set a *poopy trap*" +"Was asked by sister to call her cell phone so she could find it. I decided it was dad joke time instead. So my sister asked me to call her cell phone, so i of coarse said here cell phone here come out cell phone . She then yelled at me and said nooooooo use your cell phone to call mine , i said yes of coarse how silly of me . I then went to get my cell phone, i then made a recording of my self calling for her cell phone, i proceeded to go back to her and play it","My sister was not amused and i laughed to hard" +"I did a theatrical performance on puns","Really, it was just a play on words" +"The inventor of the speedboat has died","The funeral is tomorrow and the wake follows shortly after." +"What did the green grape say to the purple grape","BREATHE" +"Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii","Or just a low ha" +"What is the fastest liquid on earth. Milk","It’s pasteurized before you even see it" +"Got my wife last night","She wasn't cheap." +"I had a vasectomy today, and my wife keeps asking how I feel","I've had to tell her over and over that it's not that bad, and that I don't notice much of a vas deferens" +"What makes you tick. Asked the sailor flabbergasted","The clock, replied Hook" +"Let me put things into perspective for you guys","Pers(things)pective" +"Why is Fred Phelps afraid of Hell","Because it's *flaming*" +"My dad just retired and has taken up tinkering around with antique clocks","He says they help pass the time." +"Father in law got us good on the way to the bowling alley","Well there is AMC so AMF should be coming up soon" +"My wife says my jokes are cheesy. But","I just think she’s laughtose intolerant." +"I went to the zoo today. They had a baguette in a cage","The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity" +"Why did the astronaut leave his wife","He needed a little more space" +"A bear walks into a bar Bartender: What’ll ya have. Bear: I’ll have a. Whiskey. Bartender: Why the long pause","Bear *looks at his paws*: I’m a bear" +"A recent study shows that watching Bohemian Rhapsody multiple times might not be good for your health","Because of the unusually high Mercury content" +"What do you call a fight between film actors","Star Wars" +"Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion","It was a scentless act of cruelty" +"I was talking to a man with the most realistic glass eye today","I didn't even real-eyes" +"I'll never get that new job at Sony Pictures","They keep canceling the interview" +"Had to get up out of bed to post this one, I think I'm ready to be a father. Something fell off the bed and I was curious what it was. Me: What was that. Wife: Ugh I kneed my phone off of the bed. Me: Why do you need your phone off of the bed","" +"So, I finally met the inventor of the Rear View Mirror I said to him since creating this invention how change your life","He said to me, funny you say that, after I invented it I've never looked back" +"If. Jesus made a sandwich. He would probably use","Swiss cheese since it's so holey" +"My husband called me his best friend today","So I said does this mean we're best friends for wife" +"What do you call a wasp that dresses in yellow and black","A wanna bee" +"How did Santa build a house at the North Pole without any nails","*iglooed it" +"I wondered why the ball was getting bigger","Then it hit me" +"How does the Spanish carpet fitter get his workman to hurry up. Underlay. Underlay","Xpost: Jokes" +"Justice is a dish best served cold","If it were served warm, it would be justwater." +"Someone stole my pocket-size constitution","They took the law into their own hands" +"Got my chemistry teacher today Teacher: Conol_angus, what's your favorite chemical. Me: Seratonin Teacher: Why","Me: I don't know, it just makes me happy" +"My wife put food in front of our 1","5 yr old She said say your prayer He said Prayer then just smirked at her So proud right now" +"Dad got us at Thanksgiving dinner. My mom made a delicious chocolate mousse pie for dessert. When my wife noted how delicious it was, my dad said, Yeah, and she had to work hard to make it too. Those Chocolate Moose are hard to find","Cue collective groan" +"I was having car trouble yesterday Asked my uncle who knows cars to take a look at my car door (wasn't closing all the way) and he opens the car door and said: Uncle: Oh I see your problem right here Me: What is it. Uncle: (Points to the open car door with the biggest smile on his face) This isn't a door. its Ajar","" +"They're making a movie about when Bruce Wayne loses all his money","Batman and ramen" +"Dadjoked a customer yesterday I work in a food market as a cashier and was bagging up a customers purchases. Their groan was priceless. Sir, please watch out when you carry this bag out","There's a leek in it" +"Did you hear about the kid who tried to learn Karate on his own","Well, after a lot of trial and error, he finally came to his Senseis" +"When women get to a certain age they start accumulating cats","This is know as the many paws" +"Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own","Because it’s two tired" +"In what used to be a beautiful forest, is now a pile of downed trees, all but except one stood upright","The mourning wood" +"Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex","Because they were watch dogs" +"McDonald's Dad Joke Eating at Mickey D's with the family, all the kids are eating Happy Meals. My wife says: Honey (exclaiming towards my oldest son) he's still hungry. Without skipping a beat I turn towards him and say: HI still hungry, nice to meet you. Of course I'm the only one laughing my butt off","While the wife and teenage daughter gave me the eye roll" +"Where do lamps like to sit","In the shade" +"What kind of teeth can you buy with a dollar","Buck teeth" +"I got an offer for an interview at T-Mobile. Mom: what would you do if you got the job there","Me: Cell phones" +"- What’s the last letter of the alphabet. - “T”. - Really. Don’t you think it’s “Z”","- if it were then it’d be alphabetZ" +"My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin","I told him I’d gourd it with my life" +"Lawyers are recovering alcholics","It takes them a lot of time and effort to make it past the bar to practice law" +"Knock, Knock. Who’s there","The doorbell repairman" +"puntastic Dr. : we had to remove your colon","Me why" +"Scientist have recently learned how to grow human vocal cords in a Petri dish","The results speak for themselves" +"Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning. Actually, maybe not","The end is rather *shocking" +"What does a clock do when it's hungry. It goes back four seconds","Thanks, dad" +"We all love shovels, don’t we","After all, they were a ground-breaking invention" +"What do you call a fish with no eyes","Fsh" +"What do you call a person who worships a bag","Sack Religious" +"What do you get when you cross a goat and a chicken","In my case, banned from the petting zoo" +"It turns out Harry Potter flunked out of one class at Hogwarts","He couldn't spell" +"I have 2 short jokes and 1 long joke, wanna hear them","joke, joke, jooooooooooooooooooooooke" +"How can you tell if a brownie is a girl or a boy","Boy brownies have nuts" +"My dad walked into the kitchen","Threw some peanuts on the table and said this place is nuts" +"Two actors. are practising a walking out of a room scene. One asks the other if they should film it for later review","The other replies 'no lets just see how we go'" +"French plane crash Did you hear about the French plane crash","They searched the wreckage for survivors but all they found was de brie" +"I fell behind on payments for my exorcist","I hope my house doesn't get repossessed" +"What language do they speak at the center of the earth","Core-ean" +"Why did Odysseus visit the marijuana dispensary","He was sailing for Indica" +"My grandfather used to be a veterinarian, but he's still a veteran dadjoker. As a veterinarian, granddad saw his share of dirty jobs, but he didn't see why he couldn't get a few laughs in here and there. Each time he finished a job, he would offer his customers one of his stool samples, which he kept and presented in little black containers. Stool samples are collections of fecal matter from livestock animals (literally bullshit), which is why his offer was often refused. He would always insist, saying here, I'll show you. after which he would remove the cap from the container and take out a little wooden stool","This was always followed by rigorous knee-slapping and numerous I gotcha s" +"A girl came up to me and said she recognised me from her vegetarian restaurant","I was a bit confused, because I've never met herbivore" +"So my dad just figured out how to text message, and he's taking full advantage of it. This is the exact interaction that took place: Dad: I have a joke for you Me: Aight. Dad: When someone expresses an annoying opinion ask them. Me: Go on. Im enthralled. Dad: Deer eat grass, cows eat grass Dad: Horses eat grass Dad: Ask: why is deer poop like raisins but cow poop look like paddies and horse look like apple plop Dad: He or she will say I do not know Dad: R u ready for punchline. Me: I was born ready. Dad: Ok then. Dad: U say, why do I care what u say when you don't know shit","Me: I see you learned to text message" +"In. American. English colour is spelled color because. Americans said to the. British:","Fuck u." +"My son overslept and missed the eclipse I woke my 11yo son up at 0100. Told him he overslept and is missing the eclipse. He ran out of bed all worried","We stood in the driveway for 10 minutes wearing those special cardboard glasses and looking at the sky before my wife came out and told us to get back to bed" +"my wife woke up in the middle of the night and told me she dreamt of dancing cows","I told her it must have been a bizarre cowbaret" +"My 7-year-old just became a Dad My wife was reading one of those touching (read: sappy) Christmastime stories to the kids before bed tonight. She was getting a bit teary-eyed by the end, and was having trouble seeing the pages. Wife: Sorry, kids, my eyes got all leaky. 7yo: Oh, your eyes have a leak in them. Wife: Yeah. 7yo: How did you even get a vegetable in there. Wife and I applaud","This is the kid who usually hates my dad jokes" +"The Sun and Moon walked into a coffee shop today. Sun: Oh man, I forgot my wallet","Moon: Don't worry, I'll cover you" +"Did you know that Iceland.","is only one sea away from Ireland" +"Have you seen the new sitcom based around the sectarian Islamic takeover of the city of brotherly love","It's Always Suni In Philadelphia" +"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy","I neither know, nor care" +"The shopkeeper at the tuxedo store kept hovering over me, so I told him to leave me alone. He said, “Fine","Suit yourself" +"I found this fish it was super stupid","What a dum bass" +"brakes and gaming My van's brakes have been grinding for the past few days and I was able to get them fixed yesterday. On the way to driving my daughter, an avid WOW player, to school this morning I stopped at the stop sign and said, You hear that. She shakes her head no. The brakes aren't grinding anymore. The van is now level 51","She simply looked at me and shook her head" +"Had an appendectomy yesterday. Uncle asked me if","I would still have my table of contents and index." +"I'll be buying my own deodorant from now on. http://imgur","com/UsTB8PS" +"Groan heard from across the room Dad walked into the kitchen talking to Mom and leaned against the wall. He bumped a wrought iron cross down and it landed on his shoulder","Without missing a beat he grabbed it and scolded it saying Don't you get cross with me" +"It's true, dad jokes make your kids smarter [link](http://www. nzherald. nz/lifestyle/news/article. cfm. c_id=6&objectid=11491280) Hope this isn't breaking any rules. If it is, I'll have to get the glue to put them back together","(Added dad joke for good measure)" +"Dadjoked my dad. My mom was looking for my dads phone. Mom: Where's your phone. Me: He doesn't have a your phone, he has an iPhone","Dad: *chokes on breakfest*" +"Don't take someone else's Viagra","That's how you get a hard time" +"A man is washing the car with his son. The son asks","Dad, can't you just use a sponge" +"I’ve recently developed a severe phobia of elevators","I’m taking steps to avoid them" +"I asked the tallest man in the world if he was really 10' 4","He said, affirmative" +"I was hit with some inspiration during science class Why should you never trust a cell. Because they make up everything","I'm 100 percent sure somebody has thought of this before" +"Overheard at. Panda","Express Sure we've had lo-mein but have you ever tried hi-mein?" +"Just got my daughter with this one","I started singing Karma Chameleon and my daughter sys Thanks dad, that'll be stuck in my head all day now I said No it won't, it'll come and go Cue disgusted look at my cackling laugh" +"[NSFW] Whats better than eating a mandarin","Eating Amanda out" +"What did the introverted Hindu say when his friends asked if he wanted to go to the party with them","Namaste" +"I use rechargeable batteries. Though","I find it revolting." +"Do you know the keyboard shortcut to help you not have to go the bathroom when you’re working or playing PC games","Ctrl P" +"Magician: With a wave of my hand, i can make anything dissapear. Tom: *holding mug* do it to my tea. Magician: *waves hand* Done","om: It didn't work" +"I couldn't hear my son walk into the room","Turns out he was wearing sneakers" +"I was just chillin by the pool on the 4th of July with my 11 yr old. I told him I got a little Sun. And then you had a growth spurt","It took him a few minutes" +"I told my dad that i saw a few Carpenter ants in the garage","He asked if they had a hard hat and tool belts" +"I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic. Oh yes, quite a few. the librarian said. Sorry to hear that. I said laughing","They'll all be ruined by now" +"In many countries in the world, the day after Christmas is called Boxing Day","It gets a little rough, but so far I'm undefeated" +"What do you call a strawberry that likes to spin","A Berry-go-round" +"Why can't a seagull fly over a bay","Because then it would be a bagel" +"DID YOU KNOW FRENCH FRIES ARENT MADE IN FRANCE. They’re made in","Greece" +"Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe","I’m not joking, but he is" +"What's brown and sticky","A stick" +"Wrecking balls are very powerful","Truly a force to be wreckin’ with" +"Man walks into a butcher store and sees a side of beef strapped to the ceiling. As he approaches the counter he asked asks “Hey, what’s with the beef. ” Butcher tells him if he can jump up and touch it, he gets half off his purchase. If not, he pays double. The man looks up at the beef and says, “Nah","The steaks are too high" +"Got my mother today I've been growing a beard for a while now. It's my first beard so people aren't used to it yet. Saw my mother today. Mom: So I see you still have the beard. does this mean you decided that you like it","Me: Yeah, it's growing on me She nearly spit her food out :)" +"While watching Master Chef with my parents tonight. I sat down to watch TV with my parents and they decided to play Master Chef. I'm familiar with the show, but haven't seen any of this season. I'm sitting there, complimenting the fantastic weight loss of Graham, one of the judges, when my dad goes: Yeah, you know, last year he was going by the name kiloGraham, but now he just goes by Graham. I laughed, my mom groaned, and the cleverness of the joke, (which is far from usual), was enjoyed by all",":)" +"What do you call a fat psychic","A four-chin teller" +"I'm the sole provider for my family","They can buy the rest of the shoes themselves for all I care" +"What did an earplug say to another earplug","You're earrisistble" +"My dad made a joke at dinner. Mom: Did you know that grapes can kill dogs. Dad: You'd have to throw them pretty hard","My mom was not amused, but I was losing it haha" +"Why did the plank go to the movies. Because it was board. Why did the skateboard go to the movies","Because it was wheely board" +"Why should you never ask a horse for words of encouragement","They’re all neigh-sayers" +"Today is Jamaican hair day at work","I'm dreading it" +"[X-post from r/unexpected] Bike for sale http://i. imgur. com/qsFCaW7","png" +"A. Ham. Sandwich. Walks. Into. A. Bar. And. Asks. For. Some. Beer. The bartender says:","Sorry, we don't serve food here." +"What did Barack Obama say to Michelle when he proposed","I don't wanna be Obama self" +"Breaking Bad dad + season 5 spoilers. While we were watching season 5, when Walt drove his money in a van to the desert to bury it, I said, Well how is he going to remember where he buried it","And my boyfriend said, Easy, it's right beside the van" +"Why were the witch and wizard always kissing each other's necks","Because they were neckromancers" +"Where does bad light end up","In prism" +"How do you get a farm girl to like you","A tractor" +"My wife got me. She's the best dad Me: Want me to go out in the snow and get us some burritos. Her: I believe right now they're burr-itos.","We're going to have to get my daughter a it's normal to have two dads book" +"Girlfriend got me really good tonight We were discussing the fact that she's short and the conversation went something like this **Me:** I remember when I was a fun sized Snickers bar, then I turned 14 and became a party sized Snickers bar. **Her:** Well what if I don't want to be a Snickers bar. **Me:** Then you can be any generic fun sized candy bar of your choice. **Her:** Idk what I would be. But it would make sense that you're a Snickers bar, you have nuts","**Edit:** Formatting" +"50. Shades of","Grey #4e5054, #272727, #282828, #292929, #2b2b2b, #2c2c2c, #2e2e2e, #313131, #323232, #343434, #353535, #373737, #393939, #3a3a3a, #3c3c3c, #3f3f3f, #404040, #424242, #444444, #454545, #474747, #484848, #4a4a4a, #4b4b4b, #4d4d4d, #4e4e4e, #505050, #515151, #535353, #565656, #575757, #585858, #595959, #5b5b5b, #5c5c5c, #5e5e5e, #616161, #626262, #646464, #656565, #676767, #6a6a6a, #6b6b6b, #6c6c6c, #6d6d6d, #6f6f6f, #727272, #737373, #757575, #767676, #777777, #7b7b7b, #7c7c7c, #7d7d7d, #7e7e7e, #808080, #818181, #838383, #868686, #878787, #888888, #898989, #8b8b8b, #8c8c8c, #8e8e8e, #919191, #929292, #949494, #959595, #979797, #9a9a9a, #9b9b9b, #9c9c9c, #9d9d9d, #9f9f9f, #a0a0a0, #a2a2a2, #a5a5a5, #a6a6a6, #a8a8a8, #a9a9a9, #ababab, #aeaeae, #afafaf, #b0b0b0" +"Do you know why I'm voting for a block of cheddar this election","I wanna make America grate again" +"Want to hear a corny joke","It's pretty a-Maze-ing" +"At a UI design meeting - Should we use a caret","(>) No, I think a stick would be more appropriate here" +"I burned 2,000 calories today","I left my brownies in the oven for too long" +"Triangle Trees Walking in forest with family, spouse points and says, those trees make a triangle. My response: wouldn't that be a TREEangle","Nailed it" +"Why was the cow so aggressive","It was in a bad mood" +"My dad just sent me this horrible diaper dad joke I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs , Huggies, and Pampers', while undergarments for old people are called Depends . Well here is the low down on the whole thing. When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper' em. When old people crap in their pants, it Depends on who's in the will","Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind" +"Witnessed this beauty in line at a catering table. There was a spread of meats and salads for dinner, and above the table was a light that was flickering - giving off a strobe effect. To which the person behind me casually remarks under his breath; “Hmm, don’t mind me a bit of seizure salad”. I thought it was great","No one else seemed to appreciate it" +"Be sure to tip toe pass the medicine cabinet","So you don't wake the sleeping pills" +"My 16 yr old got back from the Apple Store earlier today and told me he caught someone trying to steal. Me: Well, I guess that makes you an. **iWitness. ** *ba-da-tss* (Disapproving stare) Me: I take it you didn’t find that too, *APP*ealing huh","(I got a bonus high five from my wife for that one" +"Sir, this is a Starbucks, we don't serve dry ice","Me: You'd be a lot cooler if you did" +"A herd of cows walked through a marijuana farm","The steaks have never been so high" +"a few jokes that will make u laugh Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon. Great food, no atmosphere. What do you call a fake noodle. An Impasta. How many apples grow on a tree. All of them. Want to hear a joke about paper. Nevermind it's tearable. I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen. Why did the coffee file a police report. It got mugged. How does a penguin build it's house. Igloos it together. Dad, did you get a haircut. No I got them all cut. What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car. Carlos. Dad, can you put my shoes on. No, I don't think they'll fit me. Why did the scarecrow win an award. Because he was outstanding in his field. Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating. Because they have no body to go with. Ill call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad. What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter. An irrelephant Want to hear a joke about construction. I'm still working on it. What do you call cheese that isn't yours. Nacho Cheese. Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself. It was two tired. What did the grape do when he got stepped on. He let out a little wine. I wouldn't buy anything with velcro","It's a total rip-off" +"I was a on. Wheel. Of. Fortune, and. I wrote. Jack on my nametag. That's not my real name,. I just wanted to make. Pat say","Jack." +"Dadjoked my girlfriend this week. I was eating lunch with my girlfriend and she was telling me about how her dad is a terrible cook and can only make eggs. I said, You know who's great at making eggs. Chickens","She responded with a sign and an I hate you" +"What colour is the wind","Blew" +"Which jokes are safest during the recent pandemic","Inside jokes" +"What do you call a man with a rubber toe","Roberto" +"What kind of flying animal can you never trust","A lyrebird" +"I'm so proud of myself, and I'm not even a dad. [Here it is](http://i. imgur. com/UQ6opFo","jpg)" +"How come white girls only hang out in odd numbers","Because THEY CAN'T EVEN" +"Whenever our WiFi craps out I tell my roommates Looks like our network","does notwork" +"I need new boots Dad:I need new boots. Me:Why. DAD:one of them isn’t right. HAHAHA","Me:😣" +"What do you get when you boil a funny bone","Laughing stock" +"What do you call a woman who stands between 2 goalposts","Annette" +"I got expelled from school on pajama day","Its not my fault I sleep naked" +"Why does everyone hate the nosy pepper","He’s always jalapeño business" +"How do you get 100 pikachus on a bus","You pok-em-on" +"How to tell if music counts as heavy metal:","Look and see if they have a lead guitar." +"What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare","A sunken chest and no booty" +"Where did the pirate get his hook","The second hand store" +"A man was interviewed about falling off the Eiffel Tower and surviving What happened","Eiffel" +"Dad Joke Vegas Style. So we were playing Craps in Vegas and my buddy kept betting on 8 and kept winning. I looked over at him and said, Looks like somebody is on their eight game tonight","As usual, I was the only one chuckling" +"How did Harry Potter get down the hill. Walking","JK, Rowling" +"My dad got me at a football game yesterday, took a few seconds to click. There was a famous ex-footballer called Tony Hazell who was doing a Q and A at half time","My dad turns to me and says, 'He's a bit of nut that guy" +"Why do you never see Mesopotamian yogurt","It only comes from live cultures" +"Breaking news: 18 people suffocated after a leak at the helium refinery Breaking news: 18 people suffocated after a leak at the helium refinery. It's not all bad news though","They all went out on a high note" +"What do you name a dog who lies near the front door all day","Matt" +"As a guy with tremors","I can make a mean milkshake, but the cow weren't happy!" +"What do you call the fear of getting stuck in a chimney","Santa Claustrophobia" +"Of the world's population","Only 5/3rds truly understand fractions." +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon","Great food, no atmosphere" +"A poem by my. Grandfather,. If you're dancing with your honey,. And your nose gets runny,. Don't think it's funny,","Because it's snot." +"Why didn't the gambler go to his stoner friend's barbecue","The steaks were too high" +"What is the least spoken language in the world","Sign language" +"Does anyone know any good chemistry jokes","because all the good ones I know Argon" +"What do you call an American Bee","A USB" +"When do I clean up my room","When it's 2" +"Was dad joked by my father after having Chinese food for dinner","After I opened a fortune cookie with no fortune inside, my father turned to me and said Looks like you got an unfortunate cookie" +"My dad said he didn't have to explain text-to-speech","Because it speaks for itself." +"What do you call a lady cow. A","Mis-Steak" +"What do you call tin foil hat graduates of the National Secret Honor Society","The Aluminumati" +"Today, my son asked Can I have a book mark","and I burst into tears 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian" +"Why do cows have hooves","Because they lack-toes!" +"Shout out to all the folks from Australia, great people","Bunch of Joeys over there" +"What do you call a cow's husband or wife","Their significant udder" +"What form of art hurts the most","PAINting" +"Bringing in the dough My cousin talking about her new job at a bakery. Cousin: I even get to take home a loaf of bread after my shifts","My dad: Wow sounds like you are really bringing in the dough" +"Dad gets some ink A man visits a tattoo parlor with a rather simple, but strange request. He requests a short, straight line tattooed on his upper arm. Once the first tattoo heals, he returns, asking for another, exactly the same as the first. After a few more visits, it becomes clear to the tattoo artist that he's tattooing tally marks on the customer's arm. Curiosity getting the better of the tattoo artist, he asks, What are you counting","The man answers, How many tattoos I have" +"I can count the number of times. I’ve been to","Chernobyl on one hand. 7" +"Why can’t dinosaurs clap their hands","Because they’re dead" +"Someone put marijuana in the cattle feed","The steaks have never been higher" +"I had a bad addiction to the hokey pokey","But I turned myself around" +"I dad-joked my mom today At the supermarket Mom: No stores carry that jasmine green tea I like anymore","Me: I guess it's more of a special-tea now" +"What does a retired amazon employee say","Prime days are over" +"My toddler asked for Life cereal I obliged and poured a bowl and set it in front of her. Toddler: NO. I don't want the square cereal. Me: too bad, that's life","(Posted this once before in an ask Reddit thread about dad jokes, but felt I should share it here as well" +"What do call a Grandma on speed dial","InstaGram" +"The last time I saw my ex girlfriend, she was getting on a plane to go to Helsinki","Then she vanished into Finn Air" +"Socialist jokes are not funny,","Unless everybody gets them." +"My Dad told me a joke about colored food","I dyed a little on the inside" +"When I found out my girlfriend was a father About 7 years ago, I started working for a company named Shaw, and they gave me a bunch of shirts and a really ugly sweatshirt. I kept trying to give away the sweatshirt, but nobody wanted it. One day, I had a party, and somebody took the shaw shirt because they didn't bring a jacket and it was cold outside. My girlfriend at the time said it was The Shaw-Shirt Redemption","I had never been more proud" +"What does someone say when he's being scammed online","Something phishy is going on here" +"What do you call an Irish-Canadian","Mickey Moose" +"What is the difference between illegal and unlawful","One is against the law and the other is a sick bird" +"If you thought the puns in r/dadjokes were the worst for this sub. just wait until you [sea mine](https://imgur","com/gallery/QTo01)" +"It's quite easy playing. Poker against homosexuals","They can never keep a straight face" +"My dad (grandpa): I'm having the solar guy come over today, we're going to redo the whole system. Me (dad): You're going to redo the whole solar system. My dad: Yeah, we're gonna put in a new transformer and replace some cable and add some panels. Me: But where are you gonna put Jupiter","My son: Daaaaaad" +"Do you know what the hardest part of skydiving is","The ground" +"I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag","I wonder how I will make up for this mistake" +"My friend was talking about her pet bird that she had when she was a kid. It was very obedient and always stayed on her shoulder. Unfortunately one day it just flew away","So I said, I guess, you can say your relationship with your bird took off" +"We're currently selling our house. The GF called to say we had a viewing and asked what state the house was in. Well, it's certainly not a gas","*sigh - phone goes silent - click* Might be looking for a place on my own now" +"My dad recieved a phone call from the magazine Runner's World women on the phone asks: is (mother) home. dad: no, she just ran off women: oh, ok I dont think she got it. edit: This is actually funnier how he said it in dutch (our native language)","his words were ze heeft ze benen genomen which literally means she has taken the legs" +"Schools for Ants What policy means that ant schools are forced to expel their most promising basketball players","Zero taller-ants" +"Why do some gas stations charge for air","Inflation" +"I don't really like my. Polish roommate. He's a bit of a","Slav" +"Why is it that whenever you stand near Beethoven’s grave you hear his music playing backwards","Because he’s decomposing" +"I was going to re-post a joke about a priest I saw on here yesterday","But it would have just been another copypastor" +"NSFW","My safety harness broke" +"What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu","One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment" +"If you're afraid of pedophiles","Grow up" +"I have never trusted trees","They are shady" +"Why do dads keep making jokes while choking","It's their gag reflex" +"Why do cows wear bells","Because their horns don't work" +"I accidentally trimmed the leaves off my wife's favorite plant, but fortunately they grew back","That was a releaf" +"What is a vampire's favorite fruit","A blood orange" +"Why didn't the tire tell his joke","Because it was flat" +"My daughter asked me, Dad, why is your nose in the middle of your face","I smirked and replied, Because it's the scenter" +"Breaking news: Elton John has bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit","“It’s a little fit bunny" +"Watched a movie in 1440p for the first time yesterday","It was my new year's resolution" +"My plumber friend is sad","He said he feels like he flushed his life away" +"How do trees access the internet","They log on" +"I’m addicted to drinking brake fluid. It’s ok,","I can stop any time!!" +"Passed some trucks on the highway Had a 2nd kid lately so I had to up my dad joke game. We were driving down the highway and my wife noticed a bunch of trucks for 'Trees, Inc'. She said Sheesh, how many of these Trees, Inc trucks are there","' I shrugged and said 'It's a growing business'" +"Office dad joking Just got my friends with this one Me:What's white,11 inchs long, and just accidently sent to everyone in my Email contacts. Victims: what","Me: a blank word document" +"Was too depressed to sleep so. I decided to read a book. I only had a math book nearby and","I don't need any more problems." +"Which one of you did this. http://imgur. com/NaFwtfj Purchased a new shelf","Found this in the assembly instructions" +"Kid asks his dad; Where did you hear that lame joke. Reddit, replies his dad. Whatever, replies the kid","Where did you *read* that lame joke" +"You know what's really odd","Numbers which can't be divided by 2" +"A guy starts working at a submarine. In the first day he works as a cleaner, then helps at the kitchen. Next day he runs the ship. In the evening he’s absolutely exhausted so he asks his friend “Why I have to change my position every time","” He replies “I know, this sub is full of reposts”" +"After the gym I just got home from the gym ten minutes before my dad got home from work. He saw me stirring my protein shake in my cup: Dad: What's in the cup. Me: Just a protein shake Dad: No whey","He was so proud of himself for that one" +"What did the Pakistani ask when he saw a llama in jail","Islamabad" +"My dad's go to joke as a teacher on the first day When asking about what name to address him by in class: Student: So what can we call you. Dad: You can call me anything","just don't call me late for dinner" +"What do you call a bear caught out in the rain","A drizzly bear" +"I told my dad we got my cat a laser pointer for Christmas. Oh yeah","How does he hold it" +"Dad, what are your thoughts on abortion. Ask your sister","But I don't have a-" +"Who does a fish call to clean his house","A Mermaid" +"While grilling I dropped a Brat on the ground","It was a Wurst-case scenario" +"What did Delaware","New Jersey" +"An Inventor in the 1800s created a device that instantly eliminated all bells in the world","He was later awarded the Nobel prize for his scientific achievements" +"What did the envelope say to the stamp","Stick with me and we'll go places" +"My friend is a buyer for a grocery chain. She said to me, I have to get up early tomorrow to do an order. soy isolate. I said, Hola, Isolate","Soy dad" +"Dad doesn't understand his weather app. http://imgur","com/a/2L8ES" +"They should open up a store for people in pain","Called Back and Body Hurts" +"What is Pac-Man's favorite appetizer at Mexican restaurants","Chips and guaca-guaca-guaca-guaca" +"Home Depot wouldn't let me buy a hammer in store","They said they have to mallet to me" +"Why is diarrhea hereditary","Because it runs through your jeans" +"Apple have cancelled thier planned cruise ship, the iTanic. Apparently it kept synching when docked Edit: I know spelling of 'their' is wrong","Cannot be changed" +"I named my dog Seiko","He's a watch dog" +"What do you call food made in the. Solar. System","Sol food." +"Got the wife Her: you should've seen these military helicopters earlier. There was 2 of them and flew so low","Me: well, if there was 2 then they weren't flying solo Stare" +"My friend turned into an ice cream cone whilst on holiday","He's been a wafer so long now" +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon","Great food, no atmosphere" +"How I got kicked out of Hot Topic. At the mall shopping for a new back pack for my daughter to use at school when we a saw Doctor Who themed one. My wife questioned if it would be big enough to hold all of our daughter's books. Don't worry, I said. It's bigger in the inside. Then I started laughing like a mad man","And that is the story of how I got kicked out of Hot Topic" +"If money doesn't doesn't grow on trees","Why do banks have branches?!?" +"what’s forests gumps password","1forest1" +"Driving down the road with my dad and he sees an old Volkswagen beetle without the rear hood","Hey, you can see all the junk inside her trunk" +"What is the manliest instrument","The testostrombone" +"My girlfriend dumped me because I'm not cooperative enough. She said, Where are my keys. I'm leaving","I said, I don't know" +"Why don't we have much space","Cosmos of it's taken" +"My grandfather’s last words were, “Gallons. Quarts. Litres","” That spoke volumes" +"My wife is so gullible","I mean, she did fall for me" +"I was teaching my dad english. And when my dad learned what nickname means, he went like, 'Nick have name and it's nickname. ' And chuckled","It isn't funny but I thought I should post it here" +"What did the two Pharaohs have when they farted simultaneously","A toot in common" +"I'm going to go stand outside","So if anyone asks I'm outstanding" +"*Hands me a","Target gift card* Don't spend it all in one place!" +"Did you hear about the dwarf psychic that escaped from prison","He was a small medium at large" +"The wife asked me if she should spend money on a safe or a fancy dress","I responded better safe then sari!" +"If you're looking for. Spiderman","You can always find him on the web." +"Help","I think my dad is planning to go senile He keeps talking about a river cruise across Egypt" +"Who has the right to call you motherf***er","Your kids" +"What do you call a cow with a mustache. A hip-steer. BONUS: What do you call a cow with a rifle","a moo-skateer" +"My dad made a joke just a few minutes ago","My mom got up and said My foots asleep and my dad responded sshhh don't wake it up" +"A woman walks into a library and asks: Do you have any books about paranoia","Librarian: They're right behind you" +"Why did Sherlock Holmes visit a Mexican restaurant","Because he was looking for a good case idea" +"My dad signed me up for organ donation","He's a man after my own heart." +"Why does Peter Pan keep flying","Because he Neverlands" +"One time I ate a whole bunch of cheese in one sitting","Where there's a wheel there's a way" +"Where there's a will","There's a Mark And probably a Greg, too" +"Why are cows always moOOOdy","Because there's a lotta beef" +"My 2 cents on Google Surveys http://i. imgur. com/NljG8fo","png" +"A flock of crows is called a murder","But only if you have probable caws" +"Why do skeletons never go trick or treating","Because they have no body to go with" +"My boyfriend dad joked me after the gym. We were going down the stairs and I mentioned how my calves were killing me, and he responded with, it sounds like you need a moosage","I groaned all the way to the car" +"Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back","Luckily I was the one facing the TV" +"A father is telling his college freshman son about drugs He says You are going to do drugs, no doubt","But coke is where you should draw the line" +"You know why being a pirate is so popular","Once you lose your hand, you're hooked" +"Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road","It got stuck in a crack" +"A man walks into a library and asks, Can I have a cheeseburger. The librarian says, Sir, this is a library","The man whispers, Can I have a cheeseburger" +"My wife saw it coming. The cashier did not. While shopping with the wife today, we found a Lego set on our niece's wishlist that was even cheaper than Amazon. So, naturally, we jumped on it. Going through checkout, I looked at the box, then I looked at my wife. All I said to her was that I hope she would forgive me for what I was about to do. Her response: don't you dare. Fast forward 15 seconds, and it's our turn in line. As the cashier is about to scan the toy, I pointed out that the set has 446 pieces. Is that ok for the 10 items or less line","My wife quickly told her to ignore me" +"Bacon and eggs walk into a bar","The bartender said “sorry, we don’t serve breakfast" +"What's The Difference Between A Hippo And A Zippo","One's heavy the other is a little lighter" +"Showed this to my dad He's been finding reasons to use them for a week now. http://m. imgur. com/a/qFLUl","gallery" +"There’s a rumor going around about peanut butter","But I’m not gonna spread it" +"Co-worker was talking about getting her atlas adjusted at the chiropractor. I told her that when my atlas hurts,","I just shrug it off." +"Did you guys her about the racing snail that took off his shell","Well after that he became a big sluggish" +"A yam and a potato were walking down the road. The potato asked the yam, Wanna be my spudy","To which he replied, We're a perfect mash, I already yam" +"I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved","That was the best slice of soup I've ever had" +"What do you call a washed-up trashcan salesman","A has bin" +"What’s the difference between a dirty bus depot and a lobster with breast implants. One’s a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean","" +"what do you call a broken can opener","can’t opener" +"Kid: why was the first woman NYC Subway operator such a success","Dad: well, it's obvious - she was well trained" +"What do you call a group of musical whales","An orca-stra" +"Did you hear about the magic tractor","It rode down the hill and turned into a field" +"Girlfriend couldn't quite work out why I kept spinning in front of the oven https://imgur","com/gallery/KLwqu" +"Dad dropped this one on us today at thanksgiving dinner What's brown and rhymes with Snoop Dogg. Dr","Dre" +"My gf used to call me on my cellphone","That's the weirdest nickname I've ever had" +"What does an elf have for his birthday","Shortcake (Sorry, I needed a cake related joke for my first year on reddit)" +"Why is your nose in the middle of your face","Because it's the scenter" +"I had a hard time figuring out how to use this new pen","Then it clicked" +"Dad Joke through company IM. http://i. imgur. com/mkytlCU","png" +"I woke up my fiancee this morning to tell her the sink is clogged [She didn't find it funny](http://i. imgur. com/MJMlqHP","jpg)" +"What do you call a Dwayne Johnson impersonator. A Sham-Rock. Happy St","Patrick's Day" +"What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts. Beer nuts are $1","50 and deer nuts are under a buck" +"Why don’t ants get sick","Because they have little anty-bodies…" +"Got my friend today We were touring a college and walked by the geology room, it had a bunch of rocks on display","I muttered I bet this class rocks After we laugh and he punches me, I say Aw cmon that ones a classic He agrees Then I say Yeah it was a real gem" +"My wife asked if could clear the table. I needed a running start, but","I made it!" +"Have you ever tried eating a clock","It's time consuming" +"I can cut down a tree by just looking at it. It’s true","I saw it with my own two eyes" +"Have you heard the joke about the bed. No","Probably because it hasn't been made up yet" +"What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch","Matt" +"Why did the walrus lick the envelope. Because it was looking for a good SEAL","" +"What kind of meat is the cheapest. Deer balls, cuz they're always under a Buck","Thanks honey, our son thinks you're hysterical" +"My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while. I'm camping","I wouldn't be covered." +"Asked my dad if there's something on my neck. Dad:","Yeah theres a head sticking out of it!" +"What did the color say to the letter right before he left","Cya, n" +"I don't know much about starting a family","But there's a vas deferens between fertility and infertility" +"My Dad drops this on me every time I lose anything","I look everywhere for said object, dad walks in and has it in his hand and goes Here, why don't you use this one while we look for the other one" +"Dropped my jar of mayonnaise yesterday. Fucking","Hellman" +"What currency is in Amsterdam","Amsterdimes" +"Halloween was last month","Wow, feels like just yesterday" +"My dad swooped in for the killing blow today My mom said she was making Indian food tonight, including [naan](https://www. google. com/search. q=naan+bread&biw=1920&bih=993&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=Cg3EVLzuPIfdsASM04HgAQ&ved=0CAYQ_AUoAQ). I asked if she had all the naan-essentials. She made an angry noise. Sorry, I said, was that a naan-sequitor. My dad happened to walk in just then. Punish him. my mom said to him. What. Why. He keeps making puns. My dad paused for a moment","Sounds like he's the one pun-ishing you" +"Day 28 of being a father. Am I considered a dad now. *Me*: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle. *Doctor*: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. *Me*: Trick question","dogs can't whistle" +"I saw a guy walking in the mall with a set of jumper cables","I told him “Hey, don’t try and start anything in here”" +"What do you call a Parisian pancake maker who asks too many personal questions","Crepe-y" +"I've been looking for some new hunting gear","Good camouflage is hard to find" +"I dadjoked my dad We were entering a rotary which I went through twice a day every day for my job the past two summers. I said I wonder how many times I've been through this rotary","I certainly know my way around it He's a proud father" +"Testing Noodles Mom: When the timer goes off could you test the noodles. Dad: Basic verbal and math skills. Mom: Yes or you could just eat one. Dad: I don't think that would go over very well in school. We will be doing testing today","Only one of you has to get eaten" +"Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize","Because it was out standing in its field" +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon","Great food no atmosphere" +"Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom","Because the ‘P’ is silent" +"What sex position makes ugly babies","Dunno, ask your mum" +"I made a discovery in my attic that my evil house is plotting against me","I discovered the floor plans" +"I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver","Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them" +"My proudest dad joke This actually happened a couple years ago, but I've decided to finally come out if lurking to share it here. I was on a trip with some friends and we had stopped for lunch. We weren't very busy so my buddy and I shared a plate of wings and a couple pitchers of beer. When it came to pay, the bill was $20. 01 (I don't remember how much it actually was, but it was an odd number) and we just split the bill down the middle. When we got our checks, his had the extra penny. We joked about him paying so much more, and so I said I would add an extra penny to my tip, plus one more penny to one up him. Afterwards when we were walking out my buddy turned to me and said do you think she'll she even notice. I said I like to think that she will notice and maybe chuckle at it. Besides pennies can add up and make a difference, but that's just my 2 cents I am not a dad yet","But I definitely feel the fatherly humor running through my veins" +"Why does a fat man go on a diet","Because he doesn't wanna die-yet" +"Dad-Related Dad Joke Background: I just moved in to a new apartment with my friend (who is a girl, and useless at DIY). I was putting up a mirror and made a bit of a mess of it, but once the mirror was up, it hid the holes in the wall. However, after a few days the heavy mirror fell off the wall and although it didn't smash I decided to wait til I returned from an imminent work trip to re-hang it, as I want to do it right this time. On the same day that I was originally hanging the mirror, I also was talking to roommate about where to hang a picture of my late father. I couldn't find a good spot in my room so I put it in my closet. After leaving for my work trip, my lanlord texted my roommate and me, saying he wants to come to the apartment with the technician to install the intercom. My roommate freaked out, saying oh no, the landlord will see the holes where the mirror was , but I had the answer, which was just use my Dad's picture for now to cover them up . The next day, the landlord texts us saying that he is going to have to postpone as the technician does not have the parts. Here it comes. I texted my roommate: Looks like my Dad is OFF THE HOOK","Made my day" +"I hate being lactose intolerant","It’s pretty shitty" +"Haunted liquor store So my fiancée and I were at Trader Joe’s, and there was a window you could see through into their liquor store. I turned to her while we were in line to check out and said: Me: “I’m pretty sure that store is haunted. ” Fiancée: “What makes you say that. ” M: “Their sign says they have Spirits","“ She let out the biggest groan of disgust while I teared up" +"As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden","The Plot Thickens" +"What do you call a slightly cool vegetable","A Rad-ish" +"I used to drive my family crazy with dad jokes","I don't have a car." +"Friends Dad to his girlfriend Running late in the car with my friend and his dad and dads gf at the time when. * Friends dads gf: Are we rushin' right now","* Friends dad: Well my family is Irish and I thought yours was Ukranian" +"What do you call a dentist's personal ship","A tooth ferry" +"The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized. ' he said","'No, just up to your neck'" +"What did the envelope say to the stamp","Stick with me and we'll go places" +"My dad had to sing his joke to make sure we got it. Yeah, we got it the first time you said it. (My sister preparing a pizza for dinner) Sister: There are almost no toppings on this pizza, It's just a base. Dad: Really. all about the base. Me: Yeah, she said there are no toppings on it. Dad: It's all about that base, about the base no toppings","" +"My dad cracked this one tonight My cat was sitting on top of his car","Dad: I couldn't afford a jaguar Then proceeded to laugh at his own joke and put it on instagram" +"Did you hear about the chicken ballerina","To watch her dance was like poultry in motion" +"What do you call a person who turns into a house every full moon","A warehouse" +"A prosthetics company was going out of business","It was on its last legs" +"My. Jewish friend tried to create a dirty joke","Hebrew it." +"What has 4 eyes but can't see","A blind guy with glasses" +"RIP boiled water","You will be mist" +"Got my students earlier (twice) I was demonstrating for a physics lab today and we were doing an electricity experiment, building circuits and measuring voltage and current with various configurations of resistors. One pair asked me to look at their results so I picked up the paper and started to shake my head with a scowl on my face. **Girl:** *What is it. What's wrong. * **Me:** *It's these results. they're shocking. * After a second of being genuinely worried, they realised I was laughing and looked at me angrily. **Guy:** *That was terrible. * **Me:** *Sorry, I just couldn't resist","* *Cue Groans*" +"Just got my three rabbits to walk backwards","Now I've got a receding hare line" +"Brilliant white I was at the hardware store with my dad looking at some caulking when he says out of nowhere, All i see is this 'brilliant white' color","I want my white to be stupid" +"Grandpa with a zinger At my brother's wedding, the wedding party were all given sunglasses with flashing lights around the rims. Grandpa: What are those","Brother: They're seizure glasses Grandpa: I seizure glasses, but what are they" +"My Dad is on a whole other level. Getting ready to tell my Dad he won't believe who I saw, when he asked who I was going to reply with, everyone I looked at. Me: Dad, you won't believe who I saw","Dad: Did you saw or axe them" +"I was so angry when the door knob broke off of my front door","I couldn’t handle it" +"What’s the difference between a crab with breasts and a dirty bus stop","Ones a crusty bus station, and ones a busty crustation" +"My doctor asked if I wanted to test a coronavirus vaccine","I figure it's worth a shot" +"My 9 year old got my 10 year old. We just went out for breakfast and this was the exchange between my boys: M- Ahh jeez. These cinnamon rolls are hot. J- . Well, yeah","That's just how cinnamon rolls M- *sigh* yeah" +"Some say you have to join the mile-high club to be considered a good lover","but I've never given a flying fuck" +"Why haven't aliens visited earth yet","Because they checked the reviews and saw only one star" +"Once you've seen a shopping centre","You've seen a mall" +"What do ninjas wear","Sneakers" +"Why couldn't the hangman go to work in the morning","He was too hungover" +"A shark bit off my left arm","It's ok, I'm alright now" +"What do you use to draw a toilet","A number 2 pencil" +"What is red and bad for your teeth","A brick" +"My dad's answer to everything was alcohol","He wasn't a big drinker, he was just really bad at crossword puzzles" +"Dad pulled a fast one while I was driving. Just turned 16 and recently got my license and we were out driving earlier. We were discussing when we can go out practicing in places like the freeway or the city. I asked Hey dad when can we practice night driving","At night" +"Did you hear about the Italian chef that died","He pasta way" +"What do you call a disabled fish","Handicarped" +"I don't normally make puns about fractions","But I will if I halve two" +"I was on the phone with my wife, when she asked Did you just fart. I said No","That fast would have to have been gastronomical for you to here it from over there" +"A proton and neutron break up. An electron walks up to the proton and says, “Hey","Stay positive" +"I’d need to call the doctor that helped delivered me just to tell him","“Thanks for helping me out" +"We were driving when I suddenly said Quick. Get a pen and paper","Draw Bridge Ahead" +"My wife gets annoyed if I mess with her red wine, so I've added fruit and lemonade to it","Now she's sangria than ever" +"What do you call cheese by itself","Provolone" +"My friend made a bet that I couldn't name the second biggest Great Lake","I said, Ha, you're on" +"I've used this on my kids and my students. Makes me laugh every time. They laugh some of the time. Person is having a coughing fit. cough cough hack cough cough. Me: maybe you shouldn't drink so much. (pause). *cough*ee","(Hilarity ensues, at least for me" +"What do you get when you deep fry Santa","a Crisped Kringle" +"Girlfriend goes to take birth control. and says I'm going to make myself","Inconceivable" +"A girl came up to me and said she recognised me from her vegetarian resturaunt","I was a bit confused, I'd never met herbivore" +"I can't believe it's pancake day already","It really crepe'd up on me this year" +"Dad jokes. “I heard there was a new store called Moderation","They have everything there" +"I'm concerned about my friend's declining memory. Friend (after eating a cookie): Man, I can't remember the last time I had a homemade sugar cookie. Me: Really. It was just a few seconds ago","(massive groans)" +"What is the world's biggest winged insect","The Behemoth" +"My cousin got me. Me: Wow. It's raining cats and dogs out there","Cousin: There's water too" +"How to briefly describe everything about an acorn","In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree" +"My wife just put on a dress and asked me to zip it I'm not sure why","I wasn't even talking" +"I recently made a belt out of watches","It was a waste of time..." +"Did you know that 2x10 is the same as 2x11","The first one's twenty, the second is twenty too" +"I broke my ass the other day","It's really a bummer" +"I’ve always wanted to be an ambidextrous person","I’d even give my right arm to be one" +"The inventor of the Velcro has died","RIP" +"How do you make holy water","You boil the hell out of it" +"Dad bought a degree From Tuktoyaktuk University, soley because it said blah blah blah blah, degree from Tuk U","He thinks it's hilarious" +"What kind of pasta is made from horses","Spaghetti bowl o' neighs" +"Where do naughty rainbows go","Prism" +"I suck at whistling","That's probably why" +"I only buy Edgar Allan Poe books at thrift stores","That way I always pay less, nevermore" +"After eating the ship, the sea monster said,. I can’t believe","I ate the hull thing." +"I've been accused of being a plagiarist","Their words, not mine" +"Life of a penis. Life of a penis must be awful","His master beats him, people call him a dick , his hair is a mess, his best friend is nuts and his neighbour is an asshole" +"Justice is a dish best served cold","Because otherwise it would be justwater" +"Got outgunned by my GF yesterday. GF: I'm going to go cut and file my nails now. Me: What will you file them under","GF: A lamp, usually" +"Germans have a word for everything","It is alles" +"My dad was complaining how hot it is","I told him to get a couple of fans He said he just isn't popular enough" +"What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature","Tequila mockingbird" +"My brother works at Subway and had to wear the sandwich costume yesterday","He did not appreciate the barrage of 'making yourself a sandwich' jokes" +"Yesterday I ate a clock. It was very time consuming","Especially when I went back for seconds" +"Sleeping is so easy","I can do it with my eyes closed" +"Daughter Dad Joked Me Me: I'm gonna go hop in the shower. Her: Don't. You might slip and fall","She's 9" +"Picky eater and coming into the family I was at my in laws yesterday and I had an epic comeback. MIL: I'm having pizza for dinner. Me: Yeah and you'll get a pizza that tastes like a pizza. (She said she likes her pizza to taste like a pizza none of that BBQ chicken pizza stuff) MIL: Ok. Coming from Mr Picky who didn't eat anything before he came into my family. Me: The only thing I came into was your daughter","To add to it all my wife is pregnant" +"How many millennials does it take to screw in a light bulb","It's already lit, fam" +"What is an ophthalmologist‘s favorite phrase >. Eye see the issue now","<" +"What do you call an alligator in a vest","An investigator" +"Knock knock Who's there. Broken pencil Broken pencil who. Ah, forget it","It's pointless" +"What do you call a bear with no teeth","A gummy bear" +"Saw this on a whiteboard at a hospital I like jokes about the Eye","&#x200B; The Cornea the better" +"When. I leave a sandwich on my computer table. I always discover that a couple of megabytes have been taken out of it when","I get back." +"Want to hear a joke about construction","I'm still working on it" +"DJ Dad DJ Dad: Are you ready. Are you READY. Crowd: YEAH. DJ Dad: Hi Ready, I'm Dad","‪#‎dropthebass‬" +"Why is six afraid of seven","(Punchline is not what you think) not what you think" +"I took my daughter and her friends some Little Ceasars pizzas to her school today. One of the girls was having a hard time grabbing a slice because the pizza was cut poorly. I said, Too bad we don't have any little seezors to cut that with. Dadjoked an entire table full of 8th grade girls","Some of them even laughed" +"To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camoflage jacket","You can hide but you can't run" +"What do you call a cold you get twice","De ja-flu" +"I ordered a. Chicken and an. Egg from. Amazon","I'll let you know" +"What did the Apple Genius receive from his boss after his first sale","An iFive" +"Who would do that. Walking around the grocery store with dad when we see some jerk sauce out of place. Dad: I can't believe this, what type of person leaves a bottle of sauce like this out of place. (He's being pretty loud) Me: Who. Dad: A jerk","Person behind us snickers Everyone starts clapping" +"Dad got the car's. AC fixed after. Memorial. Day. He came back singing Freon isn't","Free." +"My parents were upset when I told them I wouldn't be taking over the family bakery","That's just not how I roll" +"What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations","Tinselitis" +"Dad jokes How many South Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb","A Brazilian" +"A recruiter emailed me and asked me to call him in the morning. The following conversation ensued. Receptionist: Hello, thank you for calling ______. How may I direct your call. Me: Hi, I'd like to speak to in the morning. Receptionist: Who. Me: In the morning. Receptionist: I don't know who that is. Me: Well it says ______ but he asked me to call him in the morning. Receptionist: *Giggle groan. * That's a new one. Let me put you through. Me: Thank you. Recruiter: Hello this is ________. Me: Hi in the morning, this is (me) Recruiter: Hi, I wanted to go over your resume. Later Me: Thanks in the morning. Recruiter (just now noticing) Why do you keep daing that. Me: Your email said to call you in the morning","Recruiter: *Groans*" +"I just read that a farmer wanted to marry his horse","He wanted a stable relationship" +"My wife is expecting in March so in preparation, I have been working on my dad jokes. She was just thinking about whose features will be more dominant when our little one arrives. She then asked me whose genes were stronger. I said probably Lee or Levis","I laughed for about 5 minutes" +"Parking Passes I went to the transportation office at work with my coworker who was in need of a new parking pass. I don't drive to work, so I did not need to be there. Parking Pass Attendant (to me): Do you need a parking pass too. Me: No thanks, I don't have a car","Parking Attendant *jokingly*: You should get one anyway and wear it around your neck Me: I think wearing a car around my neck would get pretty heavy after a while" +"What’s a cat’s favourite food","Pawsta" +"Which disease do old dogs suffer from","Arfritis" +"What TV theme tune do scientists sing","Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium Batman" +"How do astronauts organize a party","They planet" +"A bartender walks into a bar. And the guy says, Wait","I think we got this joke wrong." +"My jokes are so good. I can make girls go from rolling their. R's to rolling their","I's" +"Boyfriend had his first dad joke We were getting chic fil a out of the car and I dropped my cup of tea and he responded without a beat. Whoops. Looks like we had a casual-tea","Total keeper :)" +"A meaty medical dad joke Handing over to the next team of doctors after a long shift on the intensive care unit. We were sitting in the handover room discussing the strange case of one of the patients who had vomited violently after eating a sausage at a barbecue, and ruptured her gut. My diagnosis: You could say she took a turn for the würst","Was instructed by my boss that I needed to get gender reassignment surgery and start having some kids if I was going to go pulling that kind of dad shit" +"I got shoes from a drug dealer once. I don't know what he laced them with, but","I was tripping all day." +"As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting","But apparently people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer" +"Saw this over on r/me_irl and thought it belonged here. https://i. imgur. com/uNycdzx","jpg" +"How do you find a blind man on a nude beach","It's not hard" +"How did I get out of Iraq","Iran" +"What did the policeman say to his belly button","You’re under a vest" +"My 10 year old dad joked me today. We were in Fry's looking at appliances Me, pulling out a drawer in a refrigerator: look at this hidden drawer, it's really cool. Him: uh, yeah dad. Of course it's cool, it's in a refrigerator","Me: I'm so proud of you son" +"How many South Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb","A Brazilian" +"What makes a dad joke a dad joke","The punchline had to be apparent" +"My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction","So I packed up my stuff and right" +"Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM. Confused, I asked him what he was doing","He said, Just checking my balance" +"I've been trying to figure out what's wrong with my door bell","I just can't put my finger on it" +"My hair flowed down my back when. I was in my 20’s and. I’m not bragging when. I tell you it still does","It just starts from below my collar now" +"Overheard dadjoke at the checkout A dad's in front of me with his teenage daughter buying school supplies. Goes to tap to pay and notices a sign VISA does not tap. [Imgur](http://i. imgur. com/srznUT4. jpg. 1) Dad, loudly: So, VISA does not tap, eh. VISA will salsa but it refuses to tap. Girl, obviously used to this: Dad. Can still hear the dad as they leave, Do you think VISA would do the merengue. Asked to take a photo of the sign and saw a knowing look on the teen clerk's face","I think he knew where this was going" +"What did the 2 legged dog have to do at the stop sign","He had to pause" +"Working Hard (x-post from /r/me_irl) http://imgur","com/GpiC2Is" +"What do you call a guy who made his fortune selling refrigerators","A fridge magnate" +"What country doesn't take cash or credit","The Czech Republic" +"Last night, I kept dreaming that I've written The Lord of the Rings","My wife said I've been talkin' in my sleep" +"An. Australian friend asked me if. I thought his bad eye would see better with glasses so","I said ‘Good eye might’." +"I bought my friend an elephant for their room. They said, “Thank you","” I said, “Don’t mention it" +"If you see somebody robbing an","Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?" +"My dad saw my shaker cup Dad: Why is there a spring in it","Are you trying to make *spring* water" +"Doctor: Aren't you happy sir. You're getting twins","Me: I don't know, who would want the same gift twice" +"I’ve been looking at the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, and although I’m not sure whether it’s the best in the world","It’s definitely up there" +"What's scarier than a werewolf","A herewolf" +"I think im gonna need to buy some adderall for my camera","Because its having trouble focusing" +"Do you want to know how YOU can make a difference","Add a minus sign" +"What did the Baker say when he threw away away the moldy bread","¡Yeast la vista, Baguette" +"What do you call a laughing motorcycle","A Yamahahahaha" +"How do fish get high","Seaweed" +"Dad jokes are a constant battle. My husband to me after putting our 3 year old down for bedtime: Oh, crap. I need to go get the monitor","*pauses in the doorway* You go get the Merrimac" +"Did you hear the dadjoke about the peaches","It was pittiful" +"On the other hand","you have five more fingers" +"Did you hear about the guy who's been pick-pocketing midgets","I can't believe someone would stoop so low" +"My 4 year old: Daddy, are you chewing gum","Of course not, sweetie, I'm a human being" +"I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles","My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster" +"What did the trombone dad say to his son","Don’t get into any treble" +"Comedian “People used to laugh at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian","Well they're not laughing now" +"Told my friend I had to make an appointment with the Doctor, he asked which doctor","I said no, just the regular kind" +"I was on a date with a woman who said I am a big country fan. Me trying to sound intelligent: Well, China is 3","7 million square miles" +"A and B were having a conversation, when C suddenly knocked on the door","So, they letter in" +"My coworker got me with a classic Him: so I came home from work yesterday to find that someone broke into my apartment. Me: nooo what the shit Him: looking around it seemed like they didn't really take a whole lot, my TV was still there, my ps4 and my legos were fine. But the apartment was dark, even when I tried to turn on the lights. Seems the only thing that was taken were my lightbulbs and a couple lamps. I guess you can say I was","delighted Me: I FUCKING KNEW IT Him: :D" +"I named a bug in my house. Buddha. He’s a","Buddha pest" +"My father was a roofer","So dad if you're up there.." +"Thanks for explaining the word many to me","It means a lot :D" +"My friend. Ella pointed at a nut and asked what it was. I said that's a","Nutella" +"What do birds give out on Halloween","Tweets" +"What is. Hannibal’s favourite restaurant","Five guys" +"My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo. And then","I had to put my foot down" +"What do you call a fly with no wings","A walk" +"I am so pessimistic. That even my blood type is","B negative." +"A man just attacked me with cheese and milk","How dairy" +"Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas","Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25" +"Makes me sad that. Captain. Hook never made it to. Admiral. Guess it didn’t","Pan out." +"Boyfriend got me Me: I adore you. Him: I a window you","It's a thing now" +"What is a dentist's favourite time of day to operate","Tooth-hurty" +"I open fortune cookie to find no fortune. Dad:","Well thats unfortunate" +"not a joke. shirt. woot. com has a relevant shirt today. http://shirt. woot","com/offers/dad-joke-u" +"When does a joke become a Dad joke","When it becomes apparent" +"I've never been to a gentleman's club, but. I once read a torn newspaper with only the first 2. Calvin &. Hobbes pannels intact, so yeah","I've had a strip tease." +"Dropped a jem on my daughter this morning Daugher: I think something is wrong with Regina (her car). Once she gets up to 65 or 70 she shakes. Dad: Kinda like Katherine Hepburn","Daughter: &#3232;\_&#3232;" +"Minding your own business A coworker was complaining about nosy people, saying that she was tired of people buttin' in her business I sympathetically replied Yeah, they should really zip it","No laughs were had, only glares" +"My grandmother is over 80 and she still doesn't need glasses…","Drinks straight from the bottle, she does!" +"I don’t trust those trees Why","Because they seem kind of shady" +"Got my gf with a delayed effect. So last night we were brushing our teeth before going to bed, and I ask her You know why eating a clock is a bad idea. She looks at me funny, because she knows what's coming. Because it's very time consuming. She just rolls her eyes, and goes to bed. But because the joke was in English, and English isn't our first language, I think she didn't quite get it","A minute after she lies down, I hear a loud groan coming out of bed, followed by that was really, really lame, honey" +"My 40-year old pregnant wife was freaking out in deciding which woman she wanted to assist her with childbirth. I said, relax honey","You're just having a mid-wife crisis" +"Injured my back reaching for the laundry detergent, but hey","No pain, no Gain" +"My wife just told me to not make any jokes whilst she's actually giving birth","I said I'd avoid any laboured puns" +"Where does a sheep go to cut it’s hair","the ba~ ba~ shop" +"What cheese do you use to hide a horse","Mascarpone" +"We went to a new market today for the first time. Dad was very impressed","He said, “You’re telling me a flea runs this market" +"I made a comment about an actresses short hair to my fiancée Me: Hmm, I wish I could pull off her short hair, I never could Him: Aw, I'm sure you could. I'll hold her down while you yank it out Didn't see that coming","Edit: thanks guys I didn't realise fiance/e has genders" +"Have you heard about the price drop in deer testicles","They're under a buck now" +"For our anniversary my wife wanted something with a lot of diamonds","So I got her a pack of playing cards" +"Why would anyone find vegans annoying","I've never had any beef with them" +"Why do cows have bells around their necks","Because their horns don’t work" +"Why did the can crusher quit his job","Because it was soda pressing" +"I was telling a client about hip pain but he kept interrupting me","I would always have to pick up where I left off with psoas I was saying" +"He knows how to clean out a room. My mum complained that my dad took a photo of her, whilst she was wearing her kitchen cleaning glasses as they look bad. I sarcastically offer to get her car cleaning glasses instead as they're clearly more fashionable. My dad on the other hand stands there with his fake concerned/confused. When i ask what's wrong, he asks with a smug grin on his face Why would you use glasses to clean the kitchen. Surely a mop or cloth would be more practical","We all left the room" +"Embarrassed my wife out in public again. So my wife and I went to Great Floors looking for tile and generally getting an idea of what we want to finish our basement bathroom and family room with. The saleswoman points us to this vinyl plank stuff I've never seen before that you just lay down with no glue or anything that is somehow completely waterproof and lifetime guaranteed and all that jazz. She shows us how you need to use a plunger to pry them back up once they are all tight together. Me. Wow, I never would have thought this could work. I'm floored","In the ensuing groan fest the saleswoman claims to have never heard that one before, I jested that she sounded knowledgeable for someone who obviously hasn't been working in the business very long" +"Dad-joked my boyfriend as he was trying to initiate le sexy time. Him: take off your clothes Me: What if I don't","Him: then I'll take off your clothes Me: why are you wearing my clothes" +"There was a fly in my home","So I called the SWAT team" +"A friend's dad sent me this one. I laughed, but that might just mean I'm a dad","A team of bad boys in the west were desperados, so a team of bad boys on scooters would be vesperados" +"An architect friend of mine keeps going on and on and on about how he has designed the greatest skyscraper of all time","But I think he's built it up too much" +"I’m. Not. Mad","I’m dad." +"What's red and smells like blue paint","Red paint" +"My friend Jay had twin daughters, and decided to name them after him","They are named Kay and Elle" +"My dad said I should never date a tennis player","As love means nothing to them" +"Dad- joked my dad today. *talking about a watch he gave me* Dad- I like it because it's such a classic design, but it's modern enough to not be irreplaceable","It's timeless Me- I'd hope not" +"Why does the moon always lose when racing the sun","Because night skies finish last" +"When I noticed “HI” in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend","Then I saw the next two letters" +"My 7 year old is the hero we all need. Last night at a restaurant, my son started to spell out things he wanted. Wether it was to annoy us, or keep my 4 year old daughter in the dark on the different kinds of ice cream, he succeeded on both fronts. Anyways, my wife goes Enough, stop. And he proceeds to go e-n-o-u-g-h s-t-o-p . Then I chime in and say one more time, and your in trouble, you are very annoying, use your words . After a blank look on his face for a few seconds, the kind he and I both get when we are plotting something, he looks at me and simply says","Okay" +"Have you heard about the person caught throwing trash down a side street","Litter alley" +"You could say trees who are trying to start a new life","are turning a new leaf" +"My wife said our kids were like two peas in a pod","I said there's only one p in pod" +"Why do cats want so much attention","So that they would never be furgotten" +"If you spend all day in a well","well that's a day well spent" +"How does a Jewish man make coffee","Hebrews it" +"Two satellites decided to get married. The wedding wasn't great","However, the reception was amazing" +"Uncle dropped this dad joke on some out-of-townies. Him: So, where are you from. Them: We're from Buffalo. And you. Him: We're from normal parents","Both of us were cracking up, and for a few moments they looked at us going, huh" +"Patient: Doctor, I only ever hear half of what's being said. Doctor: Let's put that to the test. Repeat after me: sixty-six","Patient: Thirty-three" +"Here’s a solid water joke","Ice" +"What do you think Elton John’s favourite type of lettuce is","I think he is a bit of a rocket man" +"Got my boyfriend He planned to do some yard work and was looking for gloves. He sounded frustrated, and I asked him what was wrong. He said I have three right gloves. What does that tell you","Me: That there's nothing left" +"An ancient Babylonian general was involved in a plot to overthrow the king. An ancient Babylonian general was involved in a plot to overthrow the king. But, the plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail. The general managed to escape and he fled to a ziggurat several kilometers away to meet his followers. Unfortunately, the ziggurat was one of several in the area, and he wasn't sure his men would find the right one. So, the fugitive general lit a small fire to signal them. The other generals of the king's army saw the smoke coming from the ziggurat, and they rushed over and killed him. The moral of the story","*The searching general has determined that smoking ziggurats can be extremely hazardous to your stealth" +"My friend helped me carry a life-size wooden elephant into my bedroom","thanks for the help i said Don't mention it he said" +"Why didn't the inmate understand his wife's message","She didn't give any context" +"I made a new year resolution to go to the gym","But it didn't quite work out" +"How many times do you need to tickle a squid to make it laugh. How many times do you need to tickle a squid to make it laugh","Ten tickles" +"I can't eat squash","I'm allergic to onomatopoetic food" +"What drink did the judge order","Just ice" +"I have a question for you all","What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?" +"How do you know your girlfriend is getting chubby","When she can fit into your wife's clothes" +"People tell me to never hit a guy with glasses. That is why","I use a hammer" +"I may not always have fun at. Taco. Bell. But. I'll always have a. Baja","Blast" +"My ex is going around,telling people. I'm schizophrenic","Well,three can play at that game." +"What do you do when you see a fireman","Put it out man" +"I have a sheep called. Ken","His girlfriend is baa-bie" +"The unexpected consequences of adding your dad to Facebook. This is the story of a dad joke gone horribly (wonderfully) awry. Early last week, I posted a status about my morning misadventures, which involved me accidentally putting face moisturizer on my toothbrush. This morning, my father reads this and decides to comment, That's why I keep prep h in the cupboard. But he doesn't comment on my status","He writes this on my wall, without any context at all for innocent bystanders" +"My wife says that sex is always better on holiday","It was rude of her to tell me this in a postcard" +"My dad took me out for my first beer We sat down at the bar, I ordered a Miller and he ordered a coor's and chugged it","The bartender asked if he wanted another, and my father responded of coor's" +"I just won a million bucks","What am I gonna do with all these deer" +"Why to chicken coops have 2 doors","If they had 4 they'd be chicken sedans" +"My son said, “Dad, I have to pee very badly. ” I said “Son, you’re 14","You should be pretty good at that by now" +"England doesn't have a kidney bank","But it does have a Liverpool" +"Just returned from the Opticians and I've been told I'm actually colour blind","That came out of the orange" +"I got my boyfriend the other day We were watching Criminal Minds, guy gets shot, goes home and puts pieces of bread into the gunshot wounds. I look to my boyfriend and say he's going to get a yeast infection","Groaning ensued lol" +"Pulled this one on my GF. Her: You make absolutely no sense","Me: Just like a broken minting machine" +"Went camping with the Family Dad hit me with this Before we get the canoe in the water he says I can row a boat. Canoe","😉" +"Coffee beans must have the lowest self-esteem","They’re always getting roasted" +"My wife came up to me and said I'm pregnant . I said Hi pregnant,. I'm going to be","Dad" +"Making stir fry with my girlfriend She says: We need to have a wok at some point","I responded: But it's so cold, can't we just drive" +"I went to Cole's this morning to buy cabbage, apparently its a legal requirement for me to also purchase carrots and mayonnaise when purchasing cabbage","It's Cole's Law" +"My wife indignantly asked, What's so funny. when she heard me giggling after she ripped a rather ripe and putrid fart","I replied, Your gas is as good as mine" +"My wife emailed me a photo of our first date, but I couldn’t open the file","I have trouble with emotional attachments" +"What’s the difference between a woman and a computer. Computers don’t laugh at my 3","5″ floppy" +"Why are fish so smart","Because they live in schools" +"I went to a seafood party last night. I had so much fun","I pulled a muscle" +"Stairs are just floors","With extra steps." +"The teacher asked the class if everyone got the syllabus","Jimmy raised his hand and said, No, I took the boring school bus" +"I had a hair transplant and. I wasn't happy at first, but","I think it's starting to grow on me." +"Why was the stopwatch behind when it left the buffet","It kept going back four seconds" +"I was at a restaurant with my friends but they left before the 3rd course","I was deserted" +"Did you hear what happened to the British rug sales during WW2 They were all carpet bombed","Since then there's been a blanket ban on them" +"Why did you take my phone into the bathroom with you","Nature called" +"When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery","Yep, people are just dying to get in there" +"Why can't the leopard ever hide","It's always spotted" +"I've got three kids, ten, eight and five","Weird names, I know" +"Why do people think border collies are such good listeners","Because they act like they always herd you" +"I was helping my son with his homework and he asked me what Armageddon was… He got upset when I told him I didn’t know","I thought to myself, “Come on, it’s not the end of the world, is it" +"I have a phobia of speed bumps","but I'm slowly getting over it" +"My mom suggested that I get my dad a book of piano music for Christmas. She told me, “It doesn’t need to be anything major. ” I said, “Got it, a collection of pieces in minor keys","” She walked out of the room" +"514 Dad Jokes What do you call a fake noodle. An Impasta. &#x200B; I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy. &#x200B; Want to hear a joke about paper. Nevermind it’s tearable. &#x200B; Why did the cookie cry. Because his father was a wafer so long. &#x200B; I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying. &#x200B; What do you call a belt with a watch on it. A waist of time. &#x200B; How do you organize an outer space party. You planet. &#x200B; I went to a seafood disco last week. and pulled a mussel. &#x200B; Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk. The stock market. &#x200B; I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems. &#x200B; My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well. &#x200B; Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight. Because it was well armed. &#x200B; How much does a hipster weigh. An instagram. &#x200B; What did daddy spider say to baby spider. You spend too much time on the web. &#x200B; Atheism is a non-prophet organisation. &#x200B; There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation. &#x200B; What cheese can never be yours. Nacho cheese. &#x200B; What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school. Bison. &#x200B; Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane. They mostly wrap. &#x200B; Why does Superman gets invited to dinners. Because he is a Supperhero. &#x200B; How was Rome split in two. With a pair of Ceasars. &#x200B; The shovel was a ground breaking invention. &#x200B; A scarecrow says, This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans. &#x200B; A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, Make me one with everything. &#x200B; Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body. He's alright now. &#x200B; What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other. Ilene. &#x200B; I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words. &#x200B; What do you do with a dead chemist. You barium. &#x200B; I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize. &#x200B; Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor. &#x200B; Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says Do you smell fish. &#x200B; Do you know sign language. You should learn it, it’s pretty handy. &#x200B; What do you call a beautiful pumpkin. GOURDgeous. &#x200B; Why did one banana spy on the other. Because she was appealing. &#x200B; What do you call a cow with no legs. Ground beef. &#x200B; What do you call a cow with two legs. Lean beef. &#x200B; What do you call a cow with all of its legs. High steaks. &#x200B; A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils. &#x200B; After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it. &#x200B; I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it. &#x200B; To write with a broken pencil is pointless. &#x200B; I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down. &#x200B; I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me. &#x200B; What should you do if you are cold. Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees. &#x200B; How does Moses make coffee. Hebrews it. &#x200B; The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery. &#x200B; What did the alien say to the pitcher of water. Take me to your liter. &#x200B; What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs. You have a vowel movement. &#x200B; The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran. &#x200B; Sausage puns are the wurst. &#x200B; What do you call a bear with no teeth. A gummy bear. &#x200B; Why shouldn’t you trust atoms. They make up everything. &#x200B; What’s it called when you have too many aliens. Extraterrestrials. &#x200B; Want to hear a pizza joke. Nevermind, it’s too cheesy. &#x200B; What do cows tell each other at bedtime. Dairy tales. &#x200B; Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan. Because of the tally ban. &#x200B; Why didn’t the lion win the race. Because he was racing a cheetah. &#x200B; What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up. It becomes daytrogen. &#x200B; What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator. Raising the steaks. &#x200B; What’s america’s favorite soda. Mini soda. &#x200B; Why did the tomato turn red. Because it saw the salad dressing. &#x200B; What kind of car does a sheep drive. Their SuBAHHru. &#x200B; What do you call a french pig. Porque. &#x200B; What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards. A receding hairline. &#x200B; Why don’t vampires go to barbecues. They don’t like steak. &#x200B; How do trees access the internet. They log on. &#x200B; Why should you never trust a train. They have loco motives. &#x200B; Is your refrigerator running. Better go catch it. &#x200B; The future,the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense. &#x200B; I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need. &#x200B; I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple. &#x200B; I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction. &#x200B; Have you ever tried to eat a clock. It's very time consuming. &#x200B; I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. &#x200B; Read enough of our funny puns, and you'll be punstoppable. &#x200B; Yesterday a clown held the door for me. It was a nice jester. &#x200B; I used to go fishing with Skrillex but he kept dropping the bass. &#x200B; The wedding was so emotional even the cake was in tiers. &#x200B; What does a house wear. A dress. &#x200B; Why can't bicycles stand up on their own. Since they are 2 tired. &#x200B; I owe a lot to the sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years. &#x200B; Imagine if alarm clocks hit you back in the [morning. It](https://morning. It) would be truly alarming. &#x200B; Why is a skeleton a bad liar. You can see right through it. &#x200B; What do you receive when you ask a lemon for help. Lemonaid. &#x200B; A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case. &#x200B; What does a dog say when he sits down on a piece of sandpaper. Ruff. &#x200B; What do you call crystal clear urine. 1080pee. &#x200B; At my boxing club there is only one punch bag. I hate waiting for the punch line. &#x200B; An untalented gymast walks into a bar. &#x200B; Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too. &#x200B; I was accused of being a plagiarist, their word not mine. &#x200B; My friends say they don’t like skeleton puns. I should put more backbone into them. &#x200B; Let me FILL you in on my trip to the dentist. &#x200B; Why does the singer of Cheap Thrills not want us to Sia. &#x200B; Traveling on a flying carpet is a rugged experience. &#x200B; Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy. &#x200B; The old woman who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner,there were strings attached. &#x200B; Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage. It was wrong on so many levels. &#x200B; My new diet consists of aircraft, its a bit plane. &#x200B; Have you ever tried to milk a cow which has been cut in half. Udder madness. &#x200B; Why are there fences on graveyards. Because people are dying to get in. &#x200B; Why do trees have so many friends. They branch out. &#x200B; Models of dragons are not to scale. &#x200B; Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever. &#x200B; Why don’t some couples go to the gym. Because some relationships don’t work out. &#x200B; Don’t trust people that do acupuncture, they’re back stabbers. &#x200B; A persistent banker wouldn’t stop hitting on me so I asked him to leave me a loan. &#x200B; I ordered a book of puns last week, but i didn't get it. &#x200B; People say i look better without glasses but i just can't see it. &#x200B; Don’t judge a meal by the look of the first course. It’s very souperficial. &#x200B; I heard Donald Trump is going to ban shredded cheese, and make America grate again. &#x200B; I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me. &#x200B; What do you call a young musician. A minor. &#x200B; Police were called to a daycare yesterday, where a 2-year-old was resisting a rest. &#x200B; If artists wear sketchers do linguists wear converse. &#x200B; I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It’s syncing now. &#x200B; Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine. &#x200B; I smeared some ketchup all over my eyes once. It was a bad idea in Heinz- sight. &#x200B; I flipped a coin over an issue the other day, it was quite the toss-up. &#x200B; I got hit in the head with a can of soda. Luckily it was a soft drink. &#x200B; I heard that the post office was a male dominated industry. &#x200B; Why isn’t suntanning an Olympic sport. Because the best you can ever get is bronze. &#x200B; What do you mean June is over. Julying. &#x200B; Why is Kylo Ren so angry. Beause he’s always Ben Solo. &#x200B; These reversing cameras are great. Since I got one I haven’t looked back. &#x200B; The candle quit his job because he felt burned out. &#x200B; Our maintenance guy lost his legs on the job, now he’s just a handyman. &#x200B; Going to bed with music on gave him sound sleep. &#x200B; A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field. &#x200B; I met some aliens from outer space. They were pretty down to earth. &#x200B; The plane flight brought my acrophobia to new heights. &#x200B; My phone has to wear glasses ever since it lost its contacts. &#x200B; I, for one, like Roman numerals. &#x200B; How do mountains see. They peak. &#x200B; The show was called Spongebob Squarepants but everyone knows the star was Patrick. &#x200B; This is not alcohol, water you thinking. &#x200B; Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can’t hit the high seas. &#x200B; I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised. &#x200B; The earth's rotation really makes my day. &#x200B; If I buy a bigger bed will I have more or less bedroom. &#x200B; Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted. &#x200B; Two ropes were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-frayed. &#x200B; What kind of shoes do ninjas wear. Sneakers. &#x200B; I got a master’s degree in being ignored; no one seems to care. &#x200B; After eating the ship, the sea monster said, I can’t believe I ate the hull thing. &#x200B; Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane. &#x200B; A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot. &#x200B; I had a pun about insanity but then I lost it. &#x200B; He couldn’t work out how to fix the washing machine so he threw in the towel. &#x200B; Why does the man want to buy nine rackets. Cause tennis too many. &#x200B; Why don’t cannibals eat clowns. Because they taste funny. &#x200B; If I got paid in lots of Pennes I would make loads of pasta. &#x200B; I thought I saw a spider on my laptop, but my friend said it was just a bug. &#x200B; A doctor broke his leg while auditioning for a play. Luckily he still made the cast. &#x200B; The tale of the haunted refrigerator was chilling. &#x200B; Why are frogs so happy. They eat whatever bugs them. &#x200B; If you wear cowboy clothes are you ranch dressing. &#x200B; I was addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around. &#x200B; Simba, you're falling behind. I must ask you to Mufasa. &#x200B; I bought a wooden whistle but it wooden whistle. &#x200B; The bomb didn't want to go off. So it refused. &#x200B; The sore mummy needed a Cairo-practor &#x200B; I feel sorry for shopping carts. They’re always getting pushed around. &#x200B; The display of still-life art was not at all moving. &#x200B; On Halloween October is nearly Octover. &#x200B; Pig puns are so boaring. &#x200B; Why couldn’t the dead car drive into the cluttered garage. Lack of vroom. &#x200B; What do you call Samsung's security guards. Guardians of the Galaxy. &#x200B; What does Superman have in his drink. Just ice. &#x200B; How does a penguin build it’s house. Igloos it together. &#x200B; Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. &#x200B; The safe was invented by a cop and a robber. It was quite a combination. &#x200B; What do you do when balloons are hurt. You helium. &#x200B; One hat says to the other, You stay here, I’ll go on a head. &#x200B; How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh. Ten tickles. &#x200B; When does a farmer dance. When he drops the beet. &#x200B; When the scientist wanted to clone a deer, he bought a doe it yourself kit. &#x200B; If people ask how many puns I made in Germany I reply, nein &#x200B; Did you hear about the invention of the white board. It was remarkable. &#x200B; If Donald Trump becomes president, America is going toupee. &#x200B; Can February March. No, but April May. &#x200B; I hate Russian Dolls, they are so full of themselves. &#x200B; What do you do to an open wardrobe. You closet. &#x200B; The magazine about ceiling fans went out of business due to low circulation. &#x200B; So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means. It’s not the end of the world. &#x200B; Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos. &#x200B; A backwards poem writes inverse. &#x200B; Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting. &#x200B; I asked my friend, Nick, if he had 5 cents I could borrow. But he was Nicholas. &#x200B; The soundtrack for Blackfish was orcastrated. &#x200B; Where do you imprison a skeleton. In a rib cage. &#x200B; There’s a fine line between the numerator and the denominator. &#x200B; I used to work at a hairdresser but i just wasn’t cut out for it. &#x200B; Why is metal and a microwave a match made in heaven. When they met, sparks flew. &#x200B; The lumberjack loved his new computer. He especially enjoyed logging in. &#x200B; Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers. &#x200B; When the church relocated it had an organ transplant. &#x200B; Lettuce take a moment to appreciate this salad pun. &#x200B; The scarecrow get promoted because he was outstanding in his field. &#x200B; Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed. &#x200B; I never understood odorless chemicals, they never make scents. &#x200B; What do prisoners use to call each other. Cell phones. &#x200B; Why was dumbo sad. He felt irrelephant. &#x200B; When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. &#x200B; Old skiers never die. They just go down hill. &#x200B; Did you hear about the pun that was actually funny. Neither have we. &#x200B; You know why I like egg puns. They crack me up. &#x200B; Want to hear a pun about ghosts. That's the spirit. &#x200B; I used to make clown shoes… which was no small feat. &#x200B; Did you hear about the human cannonball. Too bad he got fired. &#x200B; What happened when the magician got mad. She pulled her hare out. &#x200B; Did you hear about the circus that caught on fire. It was in tents. &#x200B; The one day of the week that eggs are definitely afraid of is Fry-day. &#x200B; A hen will always leave her house through the proper eggs-it. &#x200B; The man who ate too many eggs was considered to be an egg-oholic. &#x200B; All the hens consider the chef to be very mean because he beats the eggs. &#x200B; Eskimos keep all of their chilled eggs inside of the egg-loo. &#x200B; Under the doctor’s advice, the hen is laying off eggs for a few weeks. &#x200B; I had a real problem making a hard-boiled egg this morning until I cracked it. &#x200B; The best time of day to eat eggs is at the crack of dawn. &#x200B; The chicken coop only had 2 doors since if it had 4 doors it would be a sedan. &#x200B; Crossing a cement mixer and a chicken will result in you getting a brick layer. &#x200B; That reckless little egg always seems to egg-celerate when he sees the light turn yellow. &#x200B; Hopefully this egg pun doesn't make your brain too fried or scrambled. &#x200B; Don't ever have multiple people wash dishes together. It's hard for them to stay in sink. &#x200B; People using umbrellas always seem to be under the weather. &#x200B; I dissected an iris today. It was an eye-opening experience. &#x200B; What was Forrest Gump’s email password. 1forrest1. &#x200B; What planet is like a circus. Saturn, it has three rings. &#x200B; Before my father died he worked in a circus as a stilt walker. I used to look up to him. &#x200B; Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker. He wanted a well-balanced meal. &#x200B; I really look up to my tall friends. &#x200B; I hate negative numbers and will stop at nothing to avoid them. &#x200B; Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon. &#x200B; It takes guts to make a sausage. &#x200B; Why shouldn’t you give Elsa a balloon. Because she’ll “Let It Go”. &#x200B; What do you call cheese that’s not yours. Nacho cheese. &#x200B; How do you make a tissue dance. Put a little boogie in it &#x200B; What do you get when a witch goes to the beach. A sand-witch. &#x200B; Where do cows go on Friday nights. To the mooooo-vies. &#x200B; What did the mommy tomato say to the baby tomato. C’mon, ketchup. &#x200B; Why did the banana go to the doctor. Because he wasn’t “peeling” well. &#x200B; What did one snowman say to the other. Do you smell carrots. &#x200B; Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance. Because he had no body to go with. &#x200B; What is a pirate’s favorite letter. Arrrrrr. &#x200B; What does a piece of toast wear to bed. His pa-JAM-as. &#x200B; What does one eye say to the other eye. Something between us smells &#x200B; Why did the chicken cross the playground. To get to the other slide. &#x200B; What happens when an egg laughs. It cracks up. &#x200B; What do you call a bear with no teeth. A gummy bear. &#x200B; Why didn’t the teddy bear want dessert. Because he was stuffed. &#x200B; Why can’t you tell a joke while ice skating. Because the ice might crack up. &#x200B; What do you call a pig that knows karate. A pork chop. &#x200B; What’s mommy and daddy’s favorite ride at the carnival. A married-go-round. &#x200B; How did Cookie Monster feel after eating all the cookies. Pretty crummy. &#x200B; What do you call a skunk who flies in a helicopter. A smelly-copter. &#x200B; What do you get when you shake a cow. A milkshake. &#x200B; How do you catch a squirrel. Climb up a tree and act like a nut. &#x200B; Why did the bee get married. Because she found her honey. &#x200B; What did the ocean say to their airplane. Nothing, it just waved. &#x200B; Where do eskimo pigs live. In pig-loos. &#x200B; What’s a dinosaur called when it’s sleeping. A dino-snore. &#x200B; What did the cookie say to the annoying cookie. Crumb on. &#x200B; Why did Mickey Mouse go up in space. To find Pluto. &#x200B; What does Olaf eat for lunch. Icebergers. &#x200B; What letter is always wet. The C. &#x200B; How do you throw a space party. You planet. &#x200B; How was Rome split in two. With a pair of Ceasars. &#x200B; Nope. Unintended. &#x200B; The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower. &#x200B; A scarecrow says, This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans. &#x200B; A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says Make me one with everything. &#x200B; Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body. He's alright now. &#x200B; What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other. Ilene. &#x200B; The broom swept the nation away. &#x200B; I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words. &#x200B; What does a clock do when it's hungry. It goes back for seconds. &#x200B; What do you do with a dead chemist. You barium. &#x200B; I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize. &#x200B; Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor. &#x200B; Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish. ” &#x200B; Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france. There was nothing but des brie. &#x200B; Do you know sign language. You should learn it, it’s pretty handy. &#x200B; What do you call a beautiful pumpkin. GOURDgeous. &#x200B; Why did one banana spy on the other. Because she was appealing. &#x200B; What do you call a cow with no legs. Ground beef. &#x200B; What do you call a cow with two legs. Lean beef. &#x200B; What do you call a cow with all of its legs. High steaks. &#x200B; A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils. &#x200B; After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it. &#x200B; I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it. &#x200B; To write with a broken pencil is pointless. &#x200B; I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down. &#x200B; I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me. &#x200B; What did the buffalo say to his son. Bison. &#x200B; What should you do if you’re cold. Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees. &#x200B; How does Moses make coffee. Hebrews it. &#x200B; The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery. &#x200B; What did the alien say to the pitcher of water. Take me to your liter. &#x200B; What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs. You have a vowel movement. &#x200B; The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran. &#x200B; Sausage puns are the wurst. &#x200B; What do you call a bear with no teeth. A gummy bear. &#x200B; How did Darth Vader know what luke was getting him for his birthday. He could sense his presence. &#x200B; Why shouldn’t you trust atoms. They make up everything. &#x200B; What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue. You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part. &#x200B; What’s it called when you have too many aliens. Extraterrestrials. &#x200B; Want to hear a pizza joke. Nevermind, it’s too cheesy. &#x200B; What do you call a fake noodle. An impasta. &#x200B; What do cows tell each other at bedtime. Dairy tales. &#x200B; Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan. Because of the tally ban. &#x200B; Why didn’t the lion win the race. Because he was racing a cheetah. &#x200B; Why did the man dig a hole in his neighbor’s backyard and fill it with water. Because he meant well. &#x200B; What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up. It becomes daytrogen. &#x200B; What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator. Raising the steaks. &#x200B; What’s america’s favorite soda. Mini soda. &#x200B; Why did the tomato turn red. Because it saw the salad dressing. &#x200B; What kind of car does a sheep drive","A lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru" +"Ugh, I have a huge file to decompress. This is going to take forever","Sigh *unzips*" +"There should be a Network Television show to inform teens about the dangers of unprotected sex","They can call it Genital Hospital" +"Did you hear about the Mormon drummer that married 4 women with the same name","Anna 1 Anna 2 Anna 1,2,3,4" +"What do you call a dictionary on drugs","Addictionary" +"My wife at the furniture store: “I’m looking for a small ottoman","” Me: “So an ottoboy" +"What kind of dog would a vampire have","A bloodhound" +"Why isn't a koala bear a real bear","Because they aren't koala-fied" +"I think he named me Nick just for this. Dad: hey you got a nickel. Me: I'm afraid not Dad: well I guess you could say you're","Nicholas" +"Do you know protons have mass","I didn't even know they were catholic" +"What do you call a see-through mom who becomes a see-through dad","Trans-parent" +"What do you have when you haven’t seen any iron man movies","An iron deficiency" +"What do you call a flying bagel. A plain bagel","🥯" +"My wife asked me to put syrup on the list. http://imgur","com/frPfRRx" +"What food is forbidden at a church banquet","Deviled Eggs" +"My friend finally came to terms with the fact that he is a masochist","The realization was painful, but he seems to like it" +"Saw a sign that said “Shoplifting can leave a person with a record and impact their life. “ Dad: “That’s only if you shoplift a record","“ He laughed at himself for the next 3 minutes of our lives" +"My wife didn’t believe me when I said that I would give our daughter a silly name","So I decided to call her Bluff" +"One. I came up with earlier tonight. If an orthodox","Jew is out shopping for food, are they koshery shopping?" +"I poured root beer into a squared glass","Now i just have beer" +"What do you call a big ant","A giANT" +"Long one. DEAR NEIGHBOUR: Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months & have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text, & I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this. The truth is that, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day & night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, & I know that that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology & forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage, & I'll pay you. Regards, Richard NEIGHBOUR'S RESPONSE: Fred, feeling very angry & betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, & shot Richard, killing him. He went back home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink & sat down on the sofa and calmed down. Fred then looked at his phone & discovered a 2nd text message from Richard. 2ND TEXT MESSAGE: Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out & noticed that the darned Auto-Correct had changed wi-fi to wife . Technology, huh","It'll be the death of us all" +"I let my kids taste coke for the first time","little shits blew the powder everywhere" +"The best creation ever was scizzors. Why","Because it was cutting edge tech" +"I just swallowed an olive pit, but. I think. Olive","Thought of this one today at dinner." +"You can’t plant flowers","If you haven’t botany" +"Mustard meeting. Dadjoked my coworkers yesterday. Coworker: I need to schedule a 'catch up meeting. ' Me: You should schedule a mustard meeting too","Groans and begrudged laughs followed" +"Whats the name of that company HP bought","Oh, i hope they never Compaq" +"What do you call a picture of a boat","A boatograph" +"Did you hear about the Dad joke sweeping the globe","Its called the Groaner virus" +"I'm not good at fishing for the same reason. I wouldn't make a good. Doctor. I lack the","Patients" +"My wife asked me: “Is it May tomorrow or the day after","” I said: “Tomorrow, May be”" +"What do you call the people that you eat grass and produce milk alongside","Cow-workers" +"Scarecrows are outstanding in their field,","But hay, it's in their jeans." +"My watch has just broken","It's time is up." +"Potato chips companies are like car companies","They're very good at making air bags." +"Iron Man and the Silver Surfer is teaming up for the next movie to fight crime","They are alloys" +"The mailman had to get part of his liver removed","I guess you could say he got delivered" +"Mom's boyfriend Dad joke of the day So i was watching Thor with my mom's boyfriend and its at the part when Thor gets his hammer back and kicks up dust and such. He creates the huge tornado and my mom says, Look it's a tornado. Then mom's boyfriend says, That's not a tornado, that's a THORnado","Groans all around but i chuckled" +"Spring is here. I got so excited","I wet my plants" +"Family: *Walks by otter section at the zoo*. Dad:","Where’s the otter one?" +"What do you call a fly which has lost its job","fired-fly" +"Child: “Dad, wait - I’ve got something in my shoe. ” Dad: “Is it a foot","” Child: “I knew you were gonna say that, dad" +"My wife saw me wiping the water off my shoes with a newspaper, and said, “What are you doing","” I said, “These are the Times that dry men’s soles" +"I'm pretty good at sleeping","I could do it with my eyes closed" +"Did I tell you about my new vegan girlfriend","Oh yeah, I've heard of herbivore" +"In a cooking class, what do you say to your instructor when you need to the dough to make pasta","Pasta dough please" +"How do mermaids give birth","Sea-Section" +"I saw someone order 12 dozen bagels","Isn't that kind of *gross*" +"What's a frog's favorite drink","Croaka Cola" +"I don’t trust. Pescatarians","There’s just something fishy about them" +"Did you hear about the cow that tried to jump over the barbwire fence","It was an udder catastrophe" +"Why did the power line not go to prom","She was grounded" +"Why was the picture sent to prison","It was framed" +"After. God changed. Saul’s name, he stood there in shock. You could say he was a","Paul’ed" +"There are three types of people in the world","Those who can count and those who cannot" +"I’m sorry for this What did the hungry horse say to the man that bumped into him","“Hay now”" +"My mom on the shoey-ness of my new shoes I recently got a new pair of kicks and showed them to my mom. She seemed unimpressed at first. I noted, They have a certain shoey-ness about them","She: A certain shoe ne sais quoi Possibly the best dad-joke I've ever heard" +"What kind of milk do they use to make swiss cheese","Hole milk" +"Have you seen the movie Constipation","It's not out yet" +"A son asks his dad. Son: Is it true that a father will always be more knowledgeable than his son. Dad: Of course. Son: Who invented the light bulb. Dad: Thomas Edison. Son: If the father know so much more, why didn't he invented the light bulb instead","Dad: Son, when it was lights out and dark, he was busy inventing Edison" +"What did the grape say after he got stepped on. Nothing","But he let out a little wine" +"Why do ghosts love to ride in elevators","It raises their spirits" +"My brother's a dad, and I asked him how he's doing. He said I'm taking it one day at a time","I used to take it two days at a time but I got old too fast" +"What do you call a group of butchers","A meating" +"My dad said the other day, when. I was feeling low, 'don't worry it could be worse, you could be in a hole full of water'","I know he means well" +"Been a dad three years and I made a funny, only to get it done by grandpa Family was watching a show about the Armageddon and I asked why they chose to watch the Armageddon and not th LEGageddon","Grampa says to turn the Armageddon program Armagedoff" +"What do you call a group of rappers with coronavirus","The Wuhan clan" +"The tools of murder. It was a dark and blustery Friday night. My wife and I were doubling with my sister and brother in-law at a delicious BBQ joint. Bro in-law (Jordan) asked us if we were up on the latest celebrity gossip. Jordan - Did you hear about the actress who killed her husband. Us - what. No. Who. Jordan - Ya. She stabbed him with a knife when he came home. I just can't remember who it was. What was her name. Reese. Reese something. Us - Wait. Witherspoon. Jordan - No. I just told you","With a knife" +"Wanna hear a joke about paper","Never mind, it's tearable" +"I checked up on my son's internet history, and there wasn't anything","Apart from three days ago when he searched: 'How to use incognito mode'" +"I ordered a pair of glasses to my parent's house. and I texted my dad asking if the package came in the mail yet","I got a picture message of him holding the small box over his eyes with the text, Better ask for your money back- I can't see with them" +"Dad pulled this one on me in the mall parking lot Hey amnesiajune, where did we park. Uhh. 2A or 2B 2B or not 2B","Thats the question" +"Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the sides of their ships","So when they come back to port, they can Scandinavia" +"My friend said I'm dead inside","I replied Well I'm dad inside" +"In laughter the 'L' comes first","The rest of the letters comes 'aughter' it" +"Mom. Jokes","Mom jokes are like dad jokes, just not funny." +"My wife gave birth to a baby boy in the car on the way to the hospital","I named him Carson" +"I went to a bookstore and asked, “Excuse me, do you have a book by Shakespeare. ” Bookstore guy: Of course, sir. Which one","Me: William" +"Missed my school's graduation toast, so I made my own http://imgur","com/gallery/pm5eOfk edit: I'M NOT A FATHER BTW" +"Today. I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I can’t even remember the last time","I ate a monkey" +"My dad thinks its he's struck gold In my town this woman named Ida Chong is running for mayor and whenever we pass one of her signs on a lawn, EVERYTIME he says You know what her motto should be. Who da chong. Ida chong","First two times I laughed but now I just blow air out my nose so he doesn't feel bad" +"Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg have decided to record an album together","It’s a joint project" +"Beer makes you smarter Dad: Did you know beer makes you smarter Me: Really. Dad: Yeah","It made Budweiser" +"What was Whitney Houston's favorite leafy green vegetable","ENDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVES" +"What's the difference between and out law and an in law","Outlaws are wanted" +"I once bowled a 301. It's hard to bowl a 300 and lose","(This joke works better said our loud than written)" +"I went to the zoo but they were missing my favorite animal","The look on my face was otter disappointment" +"I've been waiting all year to post this","This" +"What's the opposite of irony","Wrinkly" +"I failed my python breeding class because of a late assignment","My homework ate my dog" +"There's a kid napping at school","oh wait he is waking up👍" +"Why did the scarecrow win a award","He was outstanding in the field" +"Has the abominable snowman called","Not yeti" +"What do cool horses eat","Rad dishes" +"I asked my friend how her dog got a job as a lifeguard","She said it was because he is such a good buoy." +"Why did the melon have a traditional wedding","Because it cantaloupe" +"Electrons are actually really good at sneaking around","You really need to keep your ion them" +"My grandfather dadjoked his hospice nurse. When she told him she had to turn him to wash him, he said, Rectum","Damn near killed 'em" +"Son's first shirtless dinner in a while 3-year-old son: Put on my clothes. Wife: Your clothes are dirty. You don't need a shirt for dinner. Son: Put on my clothes. Me: I don't think your clothes will fit me","Edit: spelling" +"Are pools safe for diving","Well, it deep ends" +"I was fired from my job for throwing a pie chart at my boss","In addition, I was charged with a graph aided assault" +"Sandals on Display Customer was looking through the sandals, saw one on display she liked and needed help finding ~~it's~~ its pair in a box. Cust: I need help finding it's match","Me: You need help looking for it's sole mate" +"Shower joke my dad made today. Me: I'm gonna go take a shower","Dad: Okay, just be sure to bring it back after you're done" +"I used to look up to my. Dad. He worked on","Stilts" +"As a. Pokemon fan, my son got upset when","I told him: I went into your room last night and took a peek at you" +"Why are elephants so wrinkly","They won't fit on the ironing board" +"I am working on a joke about momentum","I just can’t seem to get it rolling" +"Which president was the least guilty","Lincoln, because he was in-a-cent" +"Have you heard the rumor going around about butter","Never mind, I shouldn't spread it" +"Son doing the dishes asked where does china go","That all depends on the decisions Beijing makes" +"Someone shot my friend. Juan with a golf ball gun. Now there is a hole in","Juan." +"A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel for a hat. The bartender asks, What's with the paper towel","The pirate replies, Arr, I got a Bounty on me head" +"Whats a citrus fruits favorite color. orange. My 10 year old's first dad joke","**sniffs** They grow up so fast" +"I. Tried to. Walk up a. Hill. Today without a. Watch. But","I had neither the time, nor the inclination." +"How does a potion-maker bring his wife to orgasm","Elixir" +"Have you heard about the wedding between the two skiers","One of them got cold feet and it all went downhill from there" +"What’s Forrest Gump’s password","1forrest1" +"Two Watt Bulbs A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier. Have you any two watt bulbs. For what. That'll do, I'll take two. Two what. I thought you didn't have any. Any what","Yes please" +"My dad always used to tell me to wear shoes when using the lawn mower. I would always end up wearing slippers","He would say Don't come running to me if you get your legs cut off" +"What's the first thing Pikachu said when he met Raichu","Pikachu" +"When I asked my daughter for a newspaper, she replied: Dad, this is the 21st century, take my Ipad. What can I say","this fly didn't understand what exactly killed her" +"Why did the sailboat start doing drugs","Pier pressure" +"Text from my dad today: What do you call ghost bees","Boo Bees" +"RIP boiling water","You will be mist" +"Phone Babies A few days ago I broke my phone and was out the door to get it fixed. As I was leaving, my dad stopped me and asked where I was going","I told him I was going to get my phone fixed and he responded with, Well, you better go do that or else you'll have little phone babies, and nobody wants that" +"Once there was a young man called Benny who rescued a leprechaun. In return the leprechaun said he would live young and healthy forever as long as he never shaved his beard. Benny live for many, many, many years always young and healthy and had a glorious beard. One day, as can happen to any man, Benny met a beautiful woman. After a wonderful courtship he asked her to marry him. She agreed on the condition that he shave his beard. Benny thought about this for a long time and tried a few things like trimming his beard really short to see what would happen. When nothing happened he decided he could probably risk shaving his beard but leaving his mustache and sideburns. As soon as you finish shaving the leprechaun appeared, shook his head, and snapped his fingers. Benny immediately dropped to the floor and turned into a pile of dust. His fiance was so upset that she could not bear to part with him. So she put his dust into a beautiful Grecian urn","Which just goes to show a Benny shaved is a Benny urned" +"Wanna hear a joke about alcohol","Yeah, that's the spirit" +"I was wondering why this frisbee might be getting bigger","then it hit me" +"What did the superhero with a lisp say after going to the gym","I’m Thor" +"Whiteboards are the best","I find them to be quite remarkable" +"Pool table. Told my GF I'm going to a friends house to play pool. Hour or so of pool and socializing, I get a text. GF: hey. How's your pool game going. Me: swimmingly","GF: -__-" +"What do you call it when Batman skips church","Christian Bale" +"Landed this on the 'Genius' in the Apple store. Took my iMac in because the hard disc failed. The machine is 6 yrs old so I was made to feel embarrassed coz it was 'vintage and obsolete, Apple don't carry parts and can't help'. I was becoming a bit pissed off at the attitude I was getting then more pissed off when Mr Genius started to tell me to buy some suction pads that glaziers use to carry sheets of glass around, pull out the screen, undo 18 screws etc etc to change the disc myself. That's when I hit him with. Glaziers' suction pads. I thought they were only compatible with windows He didn't even flinch. Just completely ignored it and carried on sneering at me for having the audacity to be using an old machine","I left feeling like a piece of shit with only pride in my joke keeping me going" +"I couldn't resist dad-joking the girl I'm seeing. Honestly, it. it felt good. http://imgur","com/jDwDViD" +"I asked my kids What am I, a boggart","Because everything I here from your mouths is RIDDIKULUS" +"Why did the farmer cut down his tree","There was something shady about it" +"Do you hate people that answer their own questions","I do" +"My ex girlfriend broke up with me when we were both on a treadmill","It wasn’t going anywhere" +"Dad can you tell me what solar eclipse is","No sun" +"My Grandma, back when she was 65, started walking 5 miles a day. She's 91 years old now","but we've no idea where she is" +"The creator of the knock-knock joke should get a Nobel prize","get it no bell 🤣" +"I got fired from the bomb disposal squad","I had a blast working there." +"An open letter to electrical engineers.","O" +"What starts with w and ends with hore","The title" +"My dad is a Star Wars fan and my parents are in couples therapy over it. Therapist: So why do you want to end your marriage. Mom: I'm sick of all of the Star Wars puns","Dad: Divorce is strong with this one" +"You know how Moses makes his coffee. Hebrews it","Ha" +"My wife gets really upset at me for hiding kitchen utensils","But that's a whisk I'm willing to take" +"People who don’t use blinkers can go straight to hell. Or left to hell","Or right" +"Why can't you trust stairs","It's always because they're up to something" +"What do you call phony spaghetti","Impasta" +"Why are space rocks better to eat than earth rocks. Because they're meteor","Credit goes to a fellow dad at work" +"When someone asks about Wyoming, the proper response is","Why *not* Oming" +"What is a Mexican Jedi called","Obi Juan Kenobi" +"When I was little my mom told me I could be anything I want to be","Turns out identity theft is a crime" +"Where does the General keep his armies","Inside his sleevies" +"What's the electrician's favorite band","AC/DC" +"What do you call a pile of cats","A meowtain" +"I couldn’t attend my friend’s wedding","In hindsight, RSVP-ing “Maybe next time” wasn’t the best idea" +"I do not like lotion at all","It really gets under my skin" +"How to climb stairs. Step 1. Step 2. Step 3. Step 4. Step 5. Step 6. Step 7. Step 8. Step 9","Step 10" +"Why did the web programmer gain weight","His website had too many cookies" +"To whoever stole my glasses:. I will find you,","I have contacts!!" +"Dad-joked my boss, the CEO. She didn't laugh You should just take an Uber to the airport from your meeting. Is it really close. Yea, it's UBER close","*[she just kind of stared at me for a second while I chuckled to myself, and then walked away" +"Why were the middle ages called dark ages","Because there were too many knights" +"How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh","Nothing…it’s on the house" +"I broke it off with your mother while we were at a restaurant in Prague last week. I was worried it would be super awkward","Fortunately, the restaurant was used to separate czechs" +"You can not run through a campground","You can only ran through a campground, Because it's past tents" +"You'll never guess who. I saw today. Everybody","I looked at" +"Knew r/dadjokes would appreciate this find from r/funny. http://i. imgur. com/c6tMzZH","png" +"I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went","Then it dawned on me." +"Hipster-ism has come to. Afghanistan","Or at least it seems that way - shepherds and farmers have been point to their wagons, saying 'totes ma-goats'." +"Why a stadium gets too hot when game ends","Because all fans leave the stadium" +"He's not a dad. yet. My family went up to Washington for a couple of weeks and my sister brought her boyfriend. Let's refer to her as Kiwi and him as Konrad. We didn't want to deal with bringing a car up, so we rented one, going with a Volkswagen Jetta at the recommendation of the agent who saw the huge volume of stuff we were carrying. I remember seeing Konrad smirking a little bit when we got in the car, but didn't think anything of it at the time. Fast forward to the end of our vacation, and we're heading back to the agency to turn in the car, and unpacking all of our stuff from the trunk, and Kiwi says That looks like everything, and Konrad says Yup, I guess that's the return of the Jetta","Me: You've been waiting three weeks to use that, haven't you" +"Dad, would you raise your kids on Mars","No I think snickers is much better" +"I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang","It's all coming back to me now" +"Did I ever tell you about the shady vendor who sold me an overpriced, moldy donut on my trip to see the Pyramids. Egypt me, but I was starving so I ate it anyway","Now I falafel" +"My backyard herbs are looking good","You might say they're in mint condition" +"I bought my nephew a collection of hip-hop songs from Czechoslovakia","It's a Bohemian Rap CD" +"Happy Pi Day, everybody. You know what I like to get in the mail on Pi Day","Circulars" +"I tried some haggis the other day","It was absolutely offal." +"I've being saying mucho more often while talking to my Hispanic friends","It means a lot to them" +"What do you call when a group of dogs meet up","A Paw Wow" +"What music was popular during the French Revolution","Royalty free music" +"My son was saying how funny the Old Spice commercials are","I told him it was because of their scents of humor" +"What do you call corn that has children","Popcorn" +"Pulled some culinary joke on my Girlfriend. We were making pancake mix and it was a little thick, so I was pouring milk and stirring to get a better consistency","Once I got a good mix she said That's better I look up and say No, that's batter She hit me" +"What do you call an absent mother or father figure","Paren't" +"I read an article recently on Hitler's speechwriter","Apparently he was a real grammar Nazi" +"Why are eggs too scared to tell each other jokes","Because they'd crack each other up" +"Obama fart Dad: I just had an Obama fart. Daughter: . Dad: It was full of hope and change. Daughter: How's that","Dad: I Hope I don't have to Change my drawers" +"Numbers and letters had a race","F1" +"I recently learned how to make holy water","You just have to boil the hell out of it" +"What's the best way to carve wood","Whittle by whittle" +"My dad used to say find a girl that has an embarassing tattoo and convience her to marry you","She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them" +"Grocery Bagger: Do you want the milk in a bag","Dad: That's okay, just leave it in the carton" +"Ok, here's the thing. http://i. imgur. com/8vS7BAR","png" +"Why are zombies free labor","They don't need a living wage" +"Daughter pulls a reverse dad joke Daughter: Daddy can we race Me: sorry we can’t your sick. Daughter: what. I’m not six I’m four. So we can race","" +"Just got this text from my dad regarding a college class I may fail. This can be a good learning experience for you, It's best to get help on the front end, don't be to proud to do that, try your best to stay caught up","I couldn't spell Kat when I first heard the word but with some help I finally picked up on it" +"I’ve been wanting to go ice skating for a while. My friends bought me a pair of skates recently, but they broke on the first use","If you ask me, they’re cheapskates" +"As I was putting together a skeleton in my biology class, I held onto my table's skull. Not paying attention, I nearly dropped the skull","Without skipping a beat, I said Whew, nearly lost my head for a second there" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at the library","It's OK, they woke him up" +"My dad got me good as a kid. I was told this belonged here. When I was about 13 yrs old, I was playing basketball at the rec league by my house. During one of the games, an opponent was fouled. So we are lined up waiting for him to shoot his foul shots, and my coach sends in a substitute player for me. So I'm jogging towards the bench. When I get about 10-15ft away from the bench, I tripped and slide head-first into the bench. The whole gym let's out an, ooohhh. , and just as it gets quiet, my dad stands up on the other side of the gym and like an umpire in baseball yells, SAFE. After the game, I yelled at him for it. His response","Hey, I could've called you 'out" +"Boss: Would you be able to pass a urine test. Me: No problem","Distance or accuracy" +"I can row a boat","Canoe" +"A salon was fined the other day for using synthetic feces to wash hair","they got in trouble for using sham poo" +"Have you ever smelled moth balls","Did you hold them by the wings" +"There this zoo with only one dog in it","It's a Shih Tzu" +"Do you know where Engagement, Ohio is","It’s between Dayton and Marion, Ohio" +"What song do the trees sing to the rain","How do I leaf without you" +"It’s inappropriate to make a “dad joke” if you are not a dad","It’s a faux pa" +"Happy Father's Day - Favorite Dad Joke . Why do you never see Elephants hiding in trees. Because they're so good at it","Enjoy Dads" +"I told my dad. I got a job selling cookware door-to-door","He told me he hoped it would all pan out." +"I got home from a late meeting last night and my wife asked me about it. Wife: How’d your meeting go. Me: I’ll know at lunch tomorrow. Wife: What’s that. Me: It’s a midday meal between breakfast and dinner, but that’s not important right now","8 year old daughter: hysterical laughter" +"Starting a new methane detecting drone business","we fly over cow lots and check the dairy airs" +"Did you hear about the mosquito who became a comedian","He's malarious" +"Fortune tellers are easy to buy clothes for","They’re all mediums" +"My girlfriend broke up with me Ruth and I, we were perfect together. She made me a better person. I was kind, generous, and understanding when I was with her","But now that she's left me, I am Ruth-less" +"Trust issues Our son came running into the house, and breathlessly asked, when are we going to replace those stairs. Husband asks him, why would we replace the stairs. Meanwhile, I'm trying to consider all the possible ways a kid could manage to damage a concrete stoop. Son says, I don't trust them, they're always up to something. Without missing a beat, husband responds with, they've been supporting you your entire life, I think they've earned your trust by now","Better luck next time, young Grasshopper" +"Why aren't statisticians particularly funny. Because the median function usually suffices","No need for its complement, the comedian function" +"Grandpa and I shared a dadjoke moment today. I was helping my grandpa today to plant new grass at the grave site of my great-great-grandfather. Grandpa: You know, I like this landscaping kind of work. I could work in a cemetery like this. Me: I don't know. I'd rather work in a livelier profession","Grandpa: Yeah, but you'd be working with so many people under you" +"One astronaut to another 'I can't find any milk for my coffee' Other astronaut : 'In space, no one can","Here, use cream'" +"What do you call an army of trees","Infantree" +"I told the Doctor I think I have genetic diarrhea. He said There's no such thing as genetic diarrhea","But it's in my jeans" +"Can February march","No but april may" +"Happy Father's Day","Mother fuckers" +"Me: “What rhymes with orange”","Dad: “no it doesn't”" +"How do you kill a vegan vampire","With a wooden steak" +"What's the cheapest meat in the world. A deer's testicles","You can find it under a buck" +"Why did the scarecrow win an award","Because he was outstanding in his field" +"I asked my wife to cook me a. Japanese meal for our anniversary","Sushi did!" +"How do short Mexicans cut their pizza","With Little Caesars" +"What did the Islamic Train Conductor say","Allah board" +"I got a a cup of coffee for a coworker. Best deal","I ever made" +"Dad joked the old man himself. My dad learned he has some kind of cyst in his sinus cavity and was told to avoid getting removed immediately. When he told me this I replied So you should recyst getting it removed","We both chuckled a little longer than we should have" +"my dad with the weather me: hey dad whats the weather spose to be","dad: sunny with high winds so its a good thing were on the ground and not in a plane" +"Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath, but he still thought his life was great. Needless to say he was a 🎶 A super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis, To the average person that life style sounds atrocious, but if you look through his eyes then you will see it served a purpose, to the super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis","🎶" +"What do you get when you eat a gallon of ice cream","Breyers remorse" +"What do you call a steak knighted by the queen of England","Sir Loin" +"I got my son good today [I made some individual sized Apple pies today](https://imgur. com/yJaxxCM) and offered one to my son. Son: No thanks, I'm not a big apple pie fan","Me: Well, these are small apple pies" +"I went to a bar yesterday where my ex girlfriend works","I was hoping she would give me another shot" +"I was born with a third nipple. Sorry, I know that was random","Just really want to get this off my chest" +"Why was the giant arrested","Because he took the bus home" +"I always sucked at math but that’s why I love biology","It’s the only field where multiplication and division mean the same thing" +"To the man who invented the door knocker. I hope you win a","Nobel prize" +"Thought of this myself *sigh* Q: what's a zombies favorite weather. A: a brainstorm","I guess I can add that to my list" +"Not another math joke dad The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. &#x200B;","only a fraction of people will understand" +"Baking 101. So my dad told me about the highlight of his day. He was shopping at the grocery store and someone over the intercom said Bakery 101 because they had a call. So my dad walks across the store to the bakery and says Bakery 101. Where do I sign up","He was so proud of himself but I can only imagine the pain from anyone close enough to overhear" +"I can’t remember this comeback I heard about corn","But I’m sure it was a-maize-zing" +"Got a lady on the phone I work at the public library, doing some phone answering, office work, n stuff. Anyways this lady calls Hello, I am searching for some material, and was wondering do you have two books","me I can guarantee you that we have two books here *Uncontrollable laughter in the other end for a good while, before she manages to specify what books she's searching for*" +"Got my girlfriend last weekend Last weekend I was out with my girlfriend and her parents (first time meeting the parents). The topic of conversation turned toward the bracelets my girlfriend wears. GF: They have to be worn in odd numbers. Dad: Why. Me: It's because she can't even","My girlfriend and her Mom rolled their eyes while her Dad chuckled" +"If seagulls are usually seen by the sea. shouldn't the ones that hang by the bay be called bagels","(Dadjoke by my 8 year old)" +"Flight attendant: Would you like some headphones","Me: Sure but how did u know my name was phones" +"A month before my uncle died, he had his back covered in lard","After that, he went downhill fast" +"My Wife said she drew her friend a quilting pattern she asked for","But I told her winners never quilt" +"My girlfriend woke up said she dreamt about statistics the entire night","I said to her I wonder what the probability of that is." +"You shouldn't put your expired cereals to the sink because the sink might be","Kellogged..." +"My dryer filter broke yesterday. Today was the first day of","Lint" +"You know, I've been on this planet for thirty-seven years, amd I've only got two small vices http://i. imgur. com/LiRlSov","jpg" +"Why did the 2 Egyptian farters get along so well","Because they had a Tutankhamen" +"A pyrotechnic wanted to prove himself","He is going to go through a trial by fire" +"True Story. While my wife and I were shopping at the supermarket, she said, I need to find the Au Jus . Seeing my opportunity, I said What. , and she said, Au Jus","To which I said, Gusundheit" +"What’s the only difference between a dad joke and a bad joke","A letter" +"What do you call bears with no ears?","B" +"What do you call a hippies wife","Mississippi" +"What's the difference between EMTs and paramedics","With paramedics, there's two of them" +"The dad joke I got from security going through the airport in Milwaukee. I had a bag of cheese in my backpack: Security (training a new guy): Do you have anything sharp in your bag before he reaches in. Me: nope, it's just some cheese in there. Security: Don't believe her, she's a liar","This cheese is clearly labeled a SHARP cheddar" +"I'll call you later","don't call me later, call me dad" +"I apologise if this isn't allowed. New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't","I was grounded" +"Do you know the problem with fashion nazis","They're always arguing over who has the best jeans" +"Isn't a condom just a","nutshell" +"Pizza Slices Pizza Shop Employee: Would you like your pizza cut into 8 or 10 slices. Dad: Better make it 8, I don't think I can eat 10 slices. Pizza Shop Employee: *Blankly stares at my Dad* Um","okay" +"Why should you never buy The Doors themed advent Calender's","Because they keep breaking on through to the other side" +"I had a nice photo of an alpaca that I wanted to keep safe","So I had it llamanated" +"When your lady can’t find the meaning in your bathroom humor","Shower" +"I know this artist who does portraits with saliva","He creates a spitting image of you" +"What do you call a witch that only eats sand","malnourished" +"At what elevation is your vision the best","See level" +"If. I started a dinnerware company, and put shower thoughts on every product. Would they be","Contemplates?" +"I have absolutely no idea what a cloning machine does","That makes two of us" +"What do you call a pig with three eyes","piiig" +"What do you call a lesbian Eskimo","A Klondike" +"My grandma had a health scare while playing Bingo with her friends","It turned out to B9" +"I am convinced that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection","She keeps denying it, but I’m sticking to my guns" +"What did the termite say when he walked into the bar","Is the bar tender here" +"I have got a magical hoodie","I call it hoodieni" +"I used to hate jokes about papers","because they're TEAR-rible" +"Can February march","No, but April may" +"I don't usually tell dad jokes","But when I do the mailman laughs" +"Someone told me you believe in god. No way","And I was like Yahweh" +"Working the Frozen ride at Epcot Puns are my thing at Disney, and when the ride would stop working, I would say over the PA system I'm sorry everybody, but our ride is Frozen at the moment. I know it's a bit of a fixer upper, but Elsa's giving us the cold shoulder right now, she's really freezing us out","(Or Olaf lost his cool and is having a melt down) Once we can have true love thaw out a Frozen ride, well be back up and running" +"When. William joined the army,","He disliked the phrase 'fire at will'." +"The chocolate covered strawberry order REQUIRED a personalized note. https://i. redd. it/b3701faordg01","jpg Yes, it was the biggest eye-roll anyone has ever seen" +"Why do they call it the Ghost Pepper","Because it will haunt your bowels forever" +"Why did Satan tear the shoe in half","Cause he just wanted the sole" +"My dad accidentally told me that he's not my real father","I mean, talk about a *faux pas*" +"A Saudi Arabian investment group just purchased Hobby Lobby","It will now be called Wahabi Lobby" +"I can spell. Panda with only 2 letters. P and","A" +"You can go from fat to fit","With one good vowel movement" +"So Trump called James Comey a nut job","Orange you glad he didn't say bananas" +"I hit the bullseye","He got pretty upset" +"Dad joking your dad is like finding the Holy Grail My dad, discovering his copy of Monty Python and the Holy Grail in a completely obscure place: Him: *holds up box* wow, that would have been hard to find when I wanted to watch it. Me: yeah, it would have been like trying to find the Holy Grail","Him: *speechless eyeroll*" +"Just Dad-joked my coworker, many groans were had. To preface, we work at a coffee shop. A somewhat picky customer comes up and orders a 16 ounce chai tea latte, with soy milk. My coworker tells me all of this, and that the customer would like the drink at exactly 140°F. I make the drink, and call it out to be picked up: 16 ounce soy milk chai. My coworker comes over and says, Hopefully she likes it, I've had to remake her drink a couple times before. I replied with: Well I certainly chai-ed soy hard when I made it","Eye rolling and groans all around while I grinned ear to ear" +"Exercise alone won't get you into shape. You have to diet too","There's no weigh around it" +"No more dad jokes please","Haven't we been pun-ished enough today" +"What happened when 8 got pushed over. He was infinitely annoyed","(From my son)" +"What do you call a cow with 3 legs","Lean beef This was my dad favorite joke to tell me years ago" +"Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer","He couldnt see himself doing it" +"Used this one a lot when I cooked in an Italian-American restaurant Server: I forgot to send this spaghetti as a half/split order. Can you fix it please. Me: It can't be done. Server: Why not. Me: Its InPastaBowl","They don't say it, but I know they all miss my awesome jokes" +"How rich are garbage men","Filthy" +"Today I insisted that my son had a hole in his shoe. He didn't believe me and kept looking and looking, took it off and inspect it. He yelled There is no hole in there at all","So I yelled back * Then how did your foot get in there" +"What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet","The Christmas alphabet has Noel" +"Beastie boys are set to release a 5 part piece on there history","You can get parts a,b,c,d but you've gotta fight for your right to part E" +"my wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning. she's worked very hard and i know it's been difficult for her, but i'm very proud. she's in possibly the best shape of her life and she is once again confident in her own body, but i will endlessly love her despite what she looks like","what, were you expecting me to say something about a baby" +"My aunt is having twins. Dad thinks she should name the girl Denise","And the boy Denephew" +"Why do melons end up having to plan and pay for a full wedding with a DJ and open bar","Because they cantaloupe" +"A teenage girl was getting frisky with her boyfriend. At her parent's house. Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them. Dad. she exclaimed in a panic . I'm sorry The dad being, a dad, replies hi sorry, I'm Dad","He then turns to the boyfriend and asks Are you \*fucking\* sorry" +"I called sea world earlier","They said my call was being recorded for training porpoises" +"What does one german bread say to the other","Gluten tag" +"You want a piece of me","\- Me walking around the Transplant Ward" +"I hate it when people unnecessarily post lyrics to songs","But I will survive" +"My dad had no problems making. Indian bread. He said it was a","Naan issue." +"I have become the thing I hated the most when I was working as a cashier. Cashier: *gestures to gallon of milk* You want that in a bag. Me: Nah, just leave it in the carton, thanks. Cashier: . http://i. imgur. com/FCKfn75","gif" +"My grandma just popped this one. She is 80 years old and in bad health recently, and I never would expect her to say anything like this but my brother asked her 'how do you feel","' and she said 'with my hands" +"A guy fell in a puddle","Everybody was laughing but i have a dry sense of humor" +"My first Legit dad joke At the local Aquarium with my wife and 6month old, walked into the Land a Sea carnivorous mammals (Mostly Otters) exhibit. Wife: I only see one otter","Dad(Me): I see anOtter one" +"Why did the Farmer get his PHD","Because he was outstanding in his field" +"The anticipation. I'm an elementary school teacher. When kids tell me they're tired, hungry etc, I often give the typical hi hungry, I'm Adam response On Friday a first grader came to me at recess and said I'm bored. I said ok . She looked confused, then flustered, then blurted out . nice to meet you Adam","and ran away to play on the swings" +"My wife has banned dad jokes in our house. So","I have to stand outside and shout them in" +"WHY DID ADELE CROSS THE ROAD. So she could say hello from the other side",":P" +"I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson… He said, “But dad, your name is Brian","” I said, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson" +"Where do beans invest their money","In the stalk market" +"This morning at breakfast, my dad looked at us very seriously and said, “It hurts me when I say this","”But I have a sore throat" +"I was going to submit a joke about paper","but it was tearable" +"Why do painters never feel cold","Because they always add more coats when needed" +"If Apple Made A car","Would it have Windows" +"What's a young dog's favorite bread","Puppernickel" +"How does a dog stop a video","It hits the PAWS button" +"My wife warned me not to steal the kitchen utensils. But it’s a whisk","I’m willing to take." +"What did the priest say after putting his plate together at the salad bar","“Lettuce pray”" +"How much did the pirate pay for his earnings","A buck-an-ear" +"My dad is pretty hip. My dad is getting a hip replacement in May. We were texting about it. This is our conversation: http://imgur. com/wucx6tO It took me a second to get it","IT'S SO BAD" +"Wen't to the farmers market. My wife bought some duck eggs at the farmers market the other day","I told make sure you don't drop them or they might quack open" +"What spell would a geologist in the world of Harry Potter use to find oil","Expecto Petroleum" +"This girl in my vegetarian cooking class swears she knows me","But I've never seen herbivore" +"My son is a transgender","That makes me Transparent" +"I attached a backup camera to my car","Then there was no looking back" +"FIL May just be my new favourite person Doing a crossword yesterday with FIL, MIL & GIL. FIL says Hey did you know I completed The Times crossword the other day apart from one clue (For those of you who don't know The Times crossword is like one of the hardest crosswords) MIL: Go on then tell me the clue, I bet I'll work it out FIL: Ok, the clue was Heavily laden postman MIL: How many letters","FIL: Hundreds and Hundreds I would imagine Dead" +"Why can't you trust Adams. Because they make up everything. (Atoms","Make up everything" +"I may be a square. But that just means","I'm 4x as edgy" +"I got into a fight with my. Mexican neighbor and he started to make train noises while holding a gun","He said I'm going to choo choo" +"I wouldn't buy Velcro","It's a total rip-off" +"Just realised Dad-Joked my wife yesterday. Wife Can I get in the fridge","Me I don't think you'll fit Obviously not as good as the majority of the ones posted here, but as I have a 2 year old, I was just proud to actually be part of the Dad Joke world" +"How do mountain climbers like their whiskey","On the rocks" +"I know it’s cheesy but","I feel grate" +"My dad on a plane talking about fishing. Best told from my mother's prospective: http://imgur","com/IZZTgq6" +"My wife was so excited when spring came","That she wet her plants" +"My parents said the world doesn't revolve around me","But I'm their son" +"Piggybacked on the captain's dad joke. Family and I went on a fancy boat tour of a local rich lake. The captain provided a running narrative over the intercom about the history of the houses, etc. Captain: You'll notice all the piers look the same on the lake. There's no law governing that, everyone just agrees they should use the same color and materials. Some might call that pier pressure. Crowd: (groans) Me: I think we need to dock him some points for that one","Wife: (groans and pretends not to know me)" +"A collection of my favorite posts [It is easier to find them if they are all in the same place. ](http://eyesindesigns. com/round-wooden-fence-posts-inspiration-decorating-3-9621-design","html)" +"Today my wife and I on our honeymoon were headed to Prague on a train from Munich. Across from us in the train was a very nice older couple from California. We are also American so naturally we got along just fine. As we were towards the end of our trip coming into Prague. The older man across from us looks at his wife and says, What do you get when you marry a woman from the Czech Republic. A Czech mate . His wife's eyes rolled to the back of her head while my wife and I slowly looked at each other and busted out with laughter. Great way to end the 5","75 hour train ride" +"Why couldn't the life guard save the hippie","He was too far out man" +"What do you call a sarcastic mermaid","*sigh*ren" +"I’d like a six inch Italian herbs and cheese with turkey breast and ham please, cheese and toasted","ooops, wrong sub" +"My wife says my miscarriage jokes aren't funny","Do you think it was the lack of delivery" +"Deadpool is the perfect combo of cheesy and gritty","It is a grate film" +"Why do you go deaf listening to loud music","Because it Hertz your ears" +"Why do seagulls live by the sea","Because if they lived by the bay they'd be bagels" +"What do you get when you cross human DNA with goat DNA","Kicked out of the petting zoo" +"What is a robot from the north pole called","A Polar-Droid" +"A serious father-son talk Hey dad, I have something to tell you. Yeah. Don't worry kid, just talk. Dad. I'm gay","*Snickers* Hi gay, I'm dad" +"Did you hear about the beekeeper who was allergic to honey. Yeah","he had the hives" +"My toddler dad joked me today. Her name is Tori and it was around her nap time so I asked her: Are you sleepy","and she responded, No, I'm Tori" +"Boomerang","At the boomerang shop: I would like to buy a new boomerang please, also could you tell me how to throw the old one away?" +"How does the moon take a bath","It has meteor showers" +"Why aren't koalas considered bears","They don't meat the koala-fications" +"The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you","” You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928" +"My first girlfriend was a tennis player, and she broke my heart","It was like love meant nothing to her" +"Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely","I wish my friends were back here" +"Have you seen that movie called Constipation","Oh wait it hasn't come out yet" +"What’s common between me and Spider-Man","We both end up with sticky hands after using the web" +"Ted Cruz won 2 states tonight","I guess winning Texas and another state is OK" +"What do you call illegal trafficking of carbon dioxide","smoggling" +"Boss just told me this one. Boss: You know how you make holy water right. Me: No I don't","Boss: You boil the hell out of it" +"I'm reading a book about anti-gravity","It’s impossible to put down" +"Women really know how to hold grudges over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue","It's been a week now and she's still not talking to me" +"What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic","Just over halfway" +"My Dad dadjoked the hotel receptionist. The name is Varnon do y'all have a room with double beds. Yes we do can you spell that for me. D o u b l e b e d s She wasn't amused, but I couldn't help but laugh","It was a pretty great one" +"What is an avocado's favorite arcade game","Guacamole" +"It’s a shame bikes can’t stand on their own","because they’re too tired" +"I mentioned my back pain to my dad in passing today. His reply","[x-post from r/jokes] At least it's all behind you" +"Why did the picture go to jail","It was framed" +"Dadjoked the injections nurse. In for my flu shot. She asked me to roll up my sleeve. Told her Sure","You have a constitutional right to bare arms" +"I find most 70s solo female artists extremely vain","They are a bunch of pre madonnas" +"Dadjoked my brother in the car We were driving and my brother was complaining about the sun being in his eyes so naturally I responded with well you know what they always say","look on the bright side" +"I wanna make a joke about unfinished dough","But its not kneaded." +"What did 0 say to 8","Nice belt" +"Got dad joked by my muscle-head friend today I'm new to working out and supplements and all that. I asked him if he had any suggestions for what protein to get. He responded with let's whey the options","I should have seen that coming" +"The local police station has had its toilet stolen","Officers have nothing to go on." +"On a trip to Universal Studios This was quite a while ago, I was probably in middle school (currently 26). My family took a quick day trip to Universal Studios Hollywood since we live in the greater LA area. Now to set the scene, my dad is a native of Mexico but has lived here since his late teens so his English is pretty good with a tinge of an accent since Spanish is his primary language. We park in the parking garage on property and we do the usual make a mental note of where we parked for later . That's when I see a smirk come across his face as he turns to me laughing under his breath. - What's so funny. - Notice where we parked. - Yeah. Jurassic Park lot, 3B Cue dad - Jurassic Park. half expecting me to laugh. He continues Jurassic Park. Jurr-Ass-is-Parked *facepalm* As terrible as it was at the time, I've tried to pull this joke out with friends years later, eye rolls and crickets","Thanks dad" +"Living in. California, people always remind me about our drought. I always tell them","I'm well aware." +"I slept like a log last night","I woke up in the fireplace" +"Why do so many people invest in Ireland","Because the capital is always Dublin" +"Whenever I get the chance to take an elevator or an escalator, I always do it","I was always taught, growing up, that it was impolite to stair" +"The waves were awfully angry at the beach today","They hit their breaking point" +"Whale, Happy Father's Day. A marine mammal research group captured a rather odd porpoise on a recent trip. It appeared to have feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free. Wait a minute, said one of the researchers, wouldn't it be humane to have our ship's doctor amputate the feet so that it can live like other porpoises. Not on your life. exclaimed the doctor","That would be defeeting the porpoise" +"Do you know why the Sex Pistols don't have children","Because they only shot blanks" +"Halloween joke: What do you call a zombie garage sale. A dead giveaway",";)" +"A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says “I’ll serve you","” “, but don’t start anything”" +"If you see a robbery at an. Apple store","Does that make you an iWitness?" +"How does a medium contact a dead window washer","A squeegee board" +"The more mayonnaise you add to your cabbage salad, the better it tastes","Cole’s Law" +"Mosquitoes are the worst","They really suck" +"What pokemon shoots holy water","*Bless*toise" +"What do you call a nose that grows 12 inches","A foot" +"Her: One more Star Wars pun, and I’m leaving you. Me: Please don’t go","Yoda one for me" +"I used to be a banker","but I lost interest" +"My landlord keeps yelling at me for not turning down the music in my apartment","I guess he’s got a sound argument." +"My dad got me with a joke about pizza","it was really cheesy" +"What do you call two Mexican firemen","Jose and Hose B" +"My toddler was urinating in the bath tub. I said Well bud, i guess we don't have to get your ancenstry dna-tested","European" +"The testes and the urethra are not even vaguely similar","There is a vas deferens between them" +"My neighbor saw me naked grabbing the newspaper early this a. Embarrassing","**Now he knows I'm taking his paper" +"What is Paul McCartney's favorite drink","Lennonade" +"What war did the Cookie Monster fight in","Viet-nom nom nom nom nom nom nom" +"Dadjoked by NPR this morning The voice on the radio explained how collecting rainwater was catching on in environmental groups. Some people upgraded from a 55 gallon barrel to a 500 gallon vessel","Shows that water vessels can be a real gateway jug" +"My dad literally just did this My dad hands me a penny. He asks does this smell like anything to you. I take the bait and sniff. Metal. Yeah, one *scent*. He replies then goes Ba dum ching","I just shook my head" +"Last night I had a dream I was a muffler It was bizarre","I woke up exhausted" +"My son asked me, Dad, if you could have any super-power, which one would you have","I said, America" +"Not all math puns are lame","Just sum" +"Time flies like an arrow","And fruit flies like bananas" +"I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West","could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone" +"I heard that you can now print a gun off a 3D printer, but I am not impressed","I’ve had a Canon printer for years" +"I used to work as a pizza delivery boy. But then. I got pizzeria, so. I had to quit","My dad just told this one, so sorry if it's been posted several times" +"What do you call a dumb boat","An idi-yacht" +"Where do Vampire teachers live","Pencilvania" +"What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean. [NSFW","] I wouldn't pay $100 to let a garbanzo bean on my face" +"I used to hear eerie voices around my home, but haven't heard them in a while","I think I've been ghosted" +"If God had low self esteem, would that make him an atheist","Because he doesn’t believe in himself" +"I email my kids Dad jokes daily, but they never seem to respond","They probably installed Dadblock Plus" +"I bring different species of ants into the country for research purposes","It's an important job" +"Professor got us today We were going over some new concepts in Physics today and my professor was making sure we all understood. So after drawing a few figures on the board, he draws a baseball diamond, stands in front of it, and says, I just want to make sure I'm covering all the bases","Groans were had" +"Did you hear about the scottsman that hung himself with a skirt. He kilt himself","Wrote it myself" +"A toothless termite walks into a bar","He sits down, looks around and asks the guy beside him hey, where's the bar tender" +"What's the difference between snow men and snow women","Snow balls" +"A distraught farmer asked a preacher what would happen if he killed a beaver who had begun working near the canal by his farm","Damned if you do, dammed if you don't" +"My wife and son ignored me for an hour. Me, my wife, and our son were eating breakfast. Wife and I are thinking about what to ask the doctor in regards to weening our son. I said, Hey, if you're the person doing the weening, doesn't that make you a weener. I laughed hysterically","They basically just stared at me" +"Dad, I'm gonna hop in the shower. Finally got to use this classic. Kid: Dad, I'm gonna hop in the shower","Me: You should probably just stand still, it's safer" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When it's fully groan" +"What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball","A man will actually search for a golf ball" +"How do you throw a party in space","You planet" +"Smoking weed in an oven","Is a good way to get baked" +"Waiter: “How’s your chicken. ” Dad: “Not good","I think it might be dead" +"To be. Frank","I would have to change my name" +"Got my 6 year old with this gold this morning So my son wanted to have a banana this morning. My wife picked up a banana from the fruit bowl but she couldn't peel it as it wasn't ripe enough. So she put it back","My son asked me what had happened to the banana and I couldn't miss the opportunity, so I said: Dad: Son, the banana wasn't that a-peeling (appealing) this morning The groan from my wife, son and daughter was satisfying" +"I read a story about a thief who stole from a bakery","There are lots of horrible thieves in the world but this one really takes the cake." +"My long term girlfriend in college broke up with me while we are stuck in a broken elevator","She said, “This isn’t going anywhere" +"What did Hitler say when he lost the war","I did Nazi that coming" +"I invented a new word today","Plagiarism." +"Have you ever run over your foot with a vacuum","It sucks" +"Grandpa dad joked me pretty good Me: Whats new. Grandpa: hmm let me see. New York. New Mexico. New Orleans. And umm. New Jersey, yeah that's pretty new","Me: Groan" +"I think Kris Wilson could be a Dad. [www. explosm. com](http://explosm","net/comics/3810/) **EDIT** Changed link" +"If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot","It’s on the right foot" +"What do you call a tree with no branches","An ampu-TREE" +"Seven-Eight-Don't (x-post /r/gaming) [http://i. imgur. com/MWj4PLz. jpg](http://i. imgur. com/MWj4PLz","jpg)" +"My girlfriend got me real good Gf: Do you like my haircut","Me: It's definitely growing on me GF: It's growing on me too" +"What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence","Time to buy a new fence" +"How do you become a self-portrait painter","It's all about selling yourself" +"How do you cut a tiny pizza","With Little Caesar's" +"What do you get when you cross a parrot and a centipede","A walkie talkie" +"What did the horse get on his blood test. B","Neigh-getive" +"One of my ancestors invented the glove","Well, he had a hand in it" +"citizens of /r/dadjokes, our collective might is needed in a writing prompt in /r/writingprompts. http://www. reddit","com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/2v6t3y/wp_humanity_has_developed_a_hypersensitivity_to/ We must write a wrong" +"It's inappropriate to make a dad joke if you're not a dad","It's a faux pa" +"Where is the most fish","Between its head and tail" +"I started learning about Velcro","But I kept getting stuck" +"As an 18 year old, I guess I'm starting fatherhood early: Brother: Where's my bag, dad. Me (to brother): It's in the Middle East","My dad was very amused" +"Why are transgenders so good at delivering mail","They are post-men" +"Helping with dinner Last night my mum wanted me to come and help make dinner. I've had a headache the whole day so stumbled looking kind of sick. Mum: Are you alright","then dad walks in outta nowhere and says No he's none left" +"While out to lunch with my husband. Husband: How's the Smoked Turkey here. Waitress: Oh it's delicious. Husband: Hmmm, okay but there's only one problem with smoked turkey. Waitress: What's the problem. Husband: Keeping it lit","I made sure to tip her well" +"A man was arrested for threatening to cover a man in salt and shock him with a car battery","He was charged with assault and battery." +"I think. I have worked out why students dislike math teachers","They just keep giving you problems." +"I don’t know whether you guys know this, but vampires aren’t real","Unless you Count Dracula" +"Spider-Man Defeats the Bad Guy with a Dad Joke https://imgur. com/a/1Wiyc Source: [Amazing Spider-Man: Renew Your Vows #5](https://marvel","com/comics/issue/52380/amazing_spider-man_renew_your_vows_2015_5)" +"If I was an injured cat","Me: Ow" +"I was in a really bad mood earlier because my wife accused me of always trying to turn everything in to a joke. After hours of awkward silence, she finally gave in and asked, What's the matter","I replied, It's the basic structural component of the universe" +"Made the class laugh with this one So my English teacher is originally from India and we were talking about Sarees, those India dresses and my teacher says: I brought 6 Sarees into Portugal and I feel very sad about the fact that I never seem to find the opportunity to wear them. And I respond: Oh. I'm *Saree* to hear that","Only one of my classmates undestood it off the bat, the others had a slow but explosive reaction" +"Did you hear about the Egyptian atheist","He was in *DeNile*" +"Did you hear about the two radio antennae that got married. I went to the wedding, it was terrible.","but the reception was great" +"How do farmers count their cows","With a cowculator" +"What’s Ned Flanders’ favorite exercise","Diddly squat" +"Did you know people used to use spices as currency","It's like the old saying goes: thyme is money" +"Where would you weigh a pie","Somewhere over the rainbow" +"I just got a letter from my dad. I am confused since it ended with I would have included money but","I already sealed the letter ." +"A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. They get piss drunk. The giraffe passes out and the man turns to leave. The bartender shouts at him, Oy, you can't leave that lyin' there","The man turns and says, It's no lion, it's a giraffe" +"So I almost hit my wife in the head with an ironing board When she freaked out I looked her dead in the eyes and said, We'll that would have been ironic before running away cackling","I think she might kick me out" +"I think I may have kleptomania","Is there something I can take that would help it" +"Imagine the Titanic with a lisp","It's unthinkable" +"What do you call two birds that stick together. Vel","crow" +"Did you hear about the gnome cop","He works in lawn enforcement" +"Two Deer walk out of a gay bar","One of them turns to the other and says “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”" +"I got a ticket for driving from work to my house without getting in an accident","They got me for wreckless driving" +"I wonder what it would be like to live under water. I wonder what it would be like to live under water. said my girlfriend on our way to see Finding Dory, to which I responded with I don't know, but I bet you'd be under a lot of pressure","She hung her head in shame because she knew my entire family would soon hear about this" +"My friend stole a bowling ball","I think I'll let it slide" +"Where does a dog go when it loses its tail","the retail store" +"My. Wife hates classical music. She can’t","Handel it." +"Son: mom what are clouds made of","Mom: data and Linux servers" +"I had to talk to someone about the contents of his briefcase. I guess you could say","I debriefed him" +"The elderly wife in church turned to her husband and said, “I’ve just done a silent fart. What should I do","” He said, “Change the batteries in your hearing aid”" +"I'm deathly afraid of elevators","I take a lot of steps to avoid them" +"What do you call a bear with no fur","Bear-naked" +"My dad said he was cold","I asked him, But I thought you were Dad" +"Why did the airplane believe it was high on pills","It was placeboeing" +"How do fish eggs know when to hatch","It’s whoever is next in the roe-tation" +"What do you do call a Labrador that becomes a magician","A Labracadabrador" +"Had a really boring convo with my tinder match and didnt want to end it in a sour mood so i said do you want to go to the gym and do nothing She replied what. Why","To which i replied becuase we're not really working out" +"My dad once told me Stay out of strip clubs son, you might see something you shouldn’t. So of course, I went, and he was right","I saw my dad" +"What did the elephant ask the naked man","How do you breathe out of that thing" +"Why did the snake make such a poor musician","He could never really get a grip on his scales" +"Is that enough Styx. After coming in from grabbing some the firewood, my wife exclaimed oh. We need sticks. referring to kindling to start the fire. In my best Dennis DeYoung, I started belting out Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me. Then, with a shit eating grin, I said Is that enough Styx for ya","Unfortunately she had no idea what I was talking about and just looked at me blankly as I fell to the floor in laughter" +"I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport","I just do it for kicks" +"I want to be frank here. But","I'd have to change my name" +"Sleeping is so easy","I can do it with my eyes closed" +"Why shouldn't you move into neighborhoods with rock walls","They have a high *climb* rate" +"Johnny Cash's cover of that Nine Inch Nails song used to make me really emotional, but now it doesn't affect me at all","I think I've achieved Hurt immunity" +"My father, everyone. My dad runs in my room and drops his phone in my lap, and I'm shocked to see he went Pokemon hunting without me, and even more shocked when I saw he caught a Pikachu. The shock level went even higher when he said, Guess who got a Pika. Not chu","Major facepalm" +"Why did the blacksmith reject his newly forged sword","It smelt funny" +"How do monsters like their eggs","Terri- *fried*" +"The reason. Hillary wasn't indicted. Comey didn't want to play his","Trump card." +"Which way did the programmer go","He went data way" +"What do you call a 3. 14 meter long snake","A πthon" +"Buying fresh produce last night Picking out a few apples when a bunch more started to fall and I said Oh no","I've started and apple-lanche" +"Snow isn’t a problem in Muslim countries","but ISIS" +"You know they say The camera adds 10 pounds","I've been eating cameras for 3 months now and haven't added a single pound" +"Just got done checking off my bucket list [Here it is](http://i. imgur. com/Y7FHBXn","jpg)" +"Bandaids are so expensive these days","Such a rip-off" +"Got my niece last night at the restaurant. She was complaing that her straw wasn't working. She said it has a hole in it. I told her, Yeah, it has two holes in it","Everyone besides her was giggling" +"With the A/C going out at the NBA Finals last night. Do the Spurs get credit for 2 wins because they beat the heat","twice" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school","Its ok, he woke up" +"How do you get bacon to stop curling in the frying pan","Take away their brooms" +"Lent is the best time of the year to run a marathon","Because that's when you fast" +"My sister was about to take a shower. She asks, Mom, where are my clothes","Across the room, I turn around, You're wearing them" +"Have you ever heard of murpheys law. It states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong Have you ever heard of coles law","It's just thinly sliced cabbage" +"My wife walked into the house after a long day at work. She looked tired and stressed. I said, Did anyone tell you, you look beautiful","She smiled and said No I said One day, One day" +"White people are the same as Asians, just more cocky","They're Caucasians" +"Why did the mushroom get invited to the party. He was a fun gi. Why didn’t he go","There wasn’t mushroom" +"A piece of rope walks into a bar . and asks for a beer. Bartender says We don't serve your kind here. So the rope walks outside and asks the first guy he sees to tie him in a knot and split his ends. As he walked back into the bar the bartender says, Hey. Aren't you that rope I just sent out of here. The rope smiles and says, No","I'm a frayed knot" +"Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud, and cross the road again","Because he was a dirty double-crosser" +"Our neighbours have two large, fluffy dogs They look like they could pull a dog sled, but they're very quiet. Never bark","I think they're Mala-mutes" +"A Russian named Rudolph was telling his wife about the lovely winter rain. No, honey, that is snow. My sweet, that is a wonderful rain, he said. You are not smart. That is snow. she exclaimed","He replied, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear" +"I have a perfect memory","I honestly can’t remember a single time I’ve ever forgotten anything" +"Juan the Amazing A Mexican magician announces his next magic trick. He covers himself with a large cloak and counts aloud Uno. Dos","then he disappeared without a tres" +"I’m going to start a brand of rice wine and I’ll call it for fucks. Oh","for fucks sake" +"I just found an origami porn channel","But it’s paper view only" +"The next president should be a pornstar","And you'll know you'll get fucked" +"How does the devil feel when he‘s about to puke","Sicksicksick" +"The other day, I went to a theater play. It was about puns","Honestly though, it was more of a play on words" +"I dad-joked my dad at Christmas with baby cheeses in a manger [Image](https://i. redd. it/al1y4tlfv1601","jpg)" +"Reddit keeps telling me to post something interesting","Something interesting" +"Why would a cat make such a good sniper","Because they are purrfect shots" +"So I was driving my dad around when i saw a street that I have never noticed before, so I figured dad knows it. Me: Any idea where this street goes","Dad: It doesn't go anywhere, it stays still" +"What did sushi A say to sushi B","Wasabiiiiii" +"Science proves ants cannot get sick","They have a lot of anty-bodies" +"BOO. Why did you do that","To cure your hiccups But I don't have hiccups See it worked" +"Why do ducks have feathers","To cover their butt quacks" +"I heard my young son say a really big word and it surprised me","He said, Enormous" +"If. I said it once. I’ll say it twice","It it" +"If. I think about tater tots. Does that mean","I’m having a tater-thought?" +"Why are cannibals afraid of being late to they party","They don’t want to get the cold shoulder" +"What did the median say to the averages","Your so mean" +"People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in. Spain. Nobody expects the","Spanish ink precision" +"My wife said there were two pears in the fridge. Then told me that my daughter took a pear for lunch. So I said I guess that means there's none left. That one took a while to set in","She looked confused until I had to repeat If there were two, then [daughter] took a pear" +"Dad jokes at the old amusement park. First day of summer vacation, pack up the family and bring them to Canobie Lake Park, a local amusement park. We all get on the Ferris Wheel and the listen to the instructions: **Operator**: * Please keep you arms and legs in the cart at all times, remain seated until the ride comes to a complete stop and please NO ROCKING","* **Me**: * Awwww man, I was just abut to crank some AC/DC * **My family and the family in line behind us**: *::audible groans::*" +"My friend bought a dog from a blacksmith","As soon as he got it home, it made a bolt for the door" +"My wife insists that guys in camouflage look sexy","I just don’t see it" +"Why did the man with no legs never receive an award","He was never able to be outstanding" +"Have you heard about the new corduroy pillowcases","They’re making headlines" +"Overheard at the grocery store today. A lady asks a man working in the produce section, Excuse me, where can I find leeks","He responds, Well there are probably some in the ceiling" +"Why is Greek yogurt different from American yogurt","Because it's a different culture" +"Simba was walking too slow,. So. I told him to","Mufasa." +"My wife said I'm not feeling well. I walked over, gently grabbed her by the arms and said","I don't know what you're talking about- you feel just fine to me" +"Davy Crockett was into a bar . The bar gets angry","Crockett and the bar wrassle" +"How many apples grow on the tree","All of them" +"When you're cleaning the vacuum","you become a vacuum cleaner" +"People ask how I get around extortionate Cinema food prices","Well, I’ve got a few Twix up my sleeve" +"Got my girlfriend pretty good So she's got her bio final tomorrow. Allele is such a weird word , she says. Without missing a bit, I reply, Just allele","Maybe she should take a pregnancy test" +"You know when they invented the pneumatic drill","It was groundbreaking" +"My boss gets annoyed when I shorten his name to ‘Dick’","Especially as his name is Brian" +"Why did the guitar player always carry a camera with him","To make sure he'd never run out of pics" +"My dad constantly tells me I'll never amount to anything because I always procrastinate. I'll show him. Just you wait. Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too. I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award","I might do it later" +"Spent too long around kids. Been working with 4-5 year olds for a couple of weeks as a part of my university course. The following conversation happened with one of the older boys in the class, whilst playing superheroes outside with his friends: Boy: I'm Thor. Me: Thor","I thought you were thive" +"So I just watched a program about beavers","It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen" +"My son asked me to tell him a boat joke. I said, I can't think of any, but","Canoe" +"Absolute Zero","Is just O" +"What animal has more lives than a cat","A frog - it croaks every night" +"Took my wife to Panera Bread for lunch. Me: what is that in your salad, quinoa. Wife: Some sort of ancient grain blend. Me: I thought they only used fresh ingredients","Wife: rolls eyes" +"What happened to Kermit the frogs car","It got toad" +"Me: I don't understand cloning","Friend: That makes two of us" +"What do you call a picture of a bookcase","A shelfie" +"My dad proved his dadness. Me: Why is this mustard green. Dad: It's got dill in it. Me: Weird. Any good","Dad: Yeah, it's dill-icious" +"What do you call a good steak pun","A rare medium well done" +"Dad joke backfire. So I am divorced. My kids live in a different state than me at this time. This morning I called to talk to my daughter (5) about her getting into cheerleading. About halfway through the conversation, I dropped an old gem from my Dad. It ruined the phone call. Me : Hey baby girl, you wanna hear a story Her : What now. Me : (*giggling inside because the tone in her voice already said FUCK, walked right into this. *) I was driving to work the other day and an ambulance drove past me fast and a side door opened up. A box fell out, so I stopped to get it. Guess what was in it baby girl. Her : What. Me : A human toe. Her : *falling for it. Dad's know this sound in the voice. * Eeeewwww. Then what. Me : I called the tow truck. *FUCKING BOOM* Her : Ok I'm hanging up now, byeeeeeeeeeieeee. And she really hung up. I love to think she is cursing me in her little head right now. but she'll use it later","They always do" +"Caesar, what's the best paper size","A2, Brute" +"I need you to do some research on the birthplace of Napoleon Bonaparte. Can you do that","Corsican" +"Did you hear about the guy that got arrested for stealing a calendar","The judge gave him 12 months" +"The mice keep stealing the bait from the mousetraps I bought","I just knew those traps looked debatable" +"My parking skills","Are unparalleled" +"Dadjoked by my 7 year old - he's off to a good start. We were sitting down to dinner and one of our cats was meowing for attention. He said: C'mon butterscotch, you gotta be kitten me","I was so proud of meow boy" +"If. Donald. Trump becomes president","There's gonna be hell toupee" +"I’m known for two things: for never being married, and having terrible penmanship","I’m the most illegible bachelor in town" +"I found the perfect class to learn about fevers It's called Body Temperature 101","Sorry for the Non-Americans, pretend it says Body Temperature 38" +"At a restaurant, on a first date: Her: Do you prefer cats or dogs","Me, scanning the menu: What page are you on" +"Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window. Certainly, Sir, says the young man behind the counter. If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you. Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those. I'm sorry Sir, says the young assistant. If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes. Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. I don't understand it, he says, I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those","I really am terribly sorry, says the young assistant, I've just realised I was playing you the bee side" +"My boss warned me that I shouldn’t blow the whistle in the office anymore. He gave me one last chance","But unfortunately, I blew it" +"What did the duck say when earth started shaking","EARTHQUACK" +"Why do beekeepers have the most attractive eyes","Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder" +"My wife is the dad of the house now. We are watching a show that takes place in Newfoundland. They had a wierd accent, so I asked my wife: Do Newfoundlanders really talk that way","Without missing a beat: I don't know, I've only met the dogs and they don't talk much" +"Pottery isn't for just anyone","You've gotta urn it." +"The Bison Burger One day when I was young I watched my father grill burgers. When they were done he handed me one. I asked him “Dad what kind of burger is this. ” He said “Bison”. He then left. And never came back","He may not have been dedicated to his family but he was dedicated to his jokes" +"Why did the M&M 's go to college","Because they wanted to be smarties" +"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back","A stick" +"What did Sushi 'A' say to Sushi 'B'","WasssaBi" +"My dad spouted off this one the other day. My sister was talking about an episode of bones in which they apparently found a body in a wine barrel","My dad stops her and says, so are you saying it was a full-bodied wine" +"So this drag queen themed restaurant just opened","you can go there to eat, drink and be Mary" +"The hotel made me leave because I peed in the pool","I never even had a chance to get in and swim" +"If a baby cow is called a calf what is a baby pig called","A hamstring" +"How do you comfort a grammar nazi","There, they're, their" +"Went to Disney World with my girlfriend We saw a parade that had Peter Pan with a float of Big Ben, and it was moving pretty quick for a parade float. I turn to my girlfriend and say: looks like that clocks running a little fast","I'm not a Dad yet, but I feel like I'll be good at it" +"I asked my. Italian friend if. I could have a few of his. Star. Wars themed pastries but he said","I can have only one cannoli" +"Russell Crowe to star in a new film about a cannibalistic husband. It's called","Glad He Ate Her" +"What's the difference between swine flu and avian influenza","One requires oinkment, the other requires tweetment" +"If there is a country that has rollercoasters as the main method of transportation, what is it called","Coaster Rica" +"What do you call a musician without money","Baroque" +"My smart aleck 16 year old son got me with this one the other night *Driving home from his football game and I change lanes without signaling* Him: Hey you didn't use your turn signal, you could've killed us. Me: But I didn't, and that's what counts","Him: No, it's the thought that counts, and I thought you were gonna' kill us" +"My fiancés dad has some good dad jokes. This was my favorite At my sons first birthday my fiancé yells to everyone to come take a picture. From the back of the room her dad yells out I like the picture hanging on the wall, I call dibs on that one","She groaned but I laughed and hope to one day achieve dad joke status like his" +"Got my mate at uni *Look at watch, 2:28* Me: Hey its almost time to go to the dentist Friend: *looks at watch* 2:30. What the fuck are you talking about. Me: . Friend: 2:30. Two thirty, tooth hurty","Fuck you He literally stood up and left the lecture Edit: Formatting" +"Zombies don't try hard enough","They should try to be zom-As" +"Why is the show called SpongeBob SquarePants","Patrick is clearly the star" +"My deaf girlfriend was so excited I told her she was cute","She doesn't hear that often" +"My dad on a road trip Dad: We're going to stop at this BP station","Cuz I be pee-in" +"I got dad-joked by someone attending an opera last night. I was ripping ticket stubs for an opera performance at my college last night when an older gentleman handed me his ticket and said, I'm a colonel. Is that still okay. His wife and I were a bit confused, but I said yes, that was perfectly fine. Well this ticket says 'General Admission,' but I'm only a colonel. His wife groaned and I laughed","Highlight of my night" +"Wife and I are about to leave the house. I ask her: Wanna jacket. Her: yes please Me: Great","it's been years since you gave me a hand job" +"If you are a security gaurd at. Samsung","Does that make you gaurdian of the galaxies ?" +"TIL: In ancient times, a group of adventurous Native Americans tried to walk from Alaska to Russia","They came a little short, because they couldn’t get their Bering Strait" +"What do you call a baby eigensheep","A lamb-duh" +"Samsung, Panasonic, Toshiba, Sony","Nothing but stereotypes" +"Did you hear about the kleptomaniac who had an accident in the laundromat","He took a tumble" +"I once did a theater performance on puns","It was a play on words" +"What do 80's people do when they need to think about something","They mullet over for a minute" +"Thor recently had a MASSIVE party to celebrate being the most popular Asgardian, but was very upset about it","He wanted it to be Loki" +"After my grandma died, my dad told me that life is ruthless. Her name was","Ruth" +"Corn bread I made cornbread tonight and used bacon grease to grease the pan","When I flipped the pan onto a plate and it came out clean, I said thank you, lard" +"How does Moses make his tea","Hebrews it" +"I think there must be a lot of vampires at bars","It explains why so many people get drunk there" +"There was once a happy little starch vegetable that lived by the edge of a lake. One day a bird flew by and asked “hello friend, what are you. Potato or yam. ” The vegetable shrugged after pausing to think, “I no know. ” The bird replied, “well, hop into the water. if you float, you’re a potato","” The little vegetable happily hopped into the water, promptly sank to the bottom and gurgled, “I sink, therefore, I yam" +"My wife was telling me about the baby name Ophelia","I said I feel ya She laughed and groaned all at once" +"Daughter points to a lone bird at the pet store Daughter: Look, Dad. A parakeet","Me: I don't know, kiddo, that looks like only one keet to me" +"What do you call a bear with no teeth","Gummy Bear🐻" +"My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives. I replied, No, I don't hate your relatives","In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine" +"[Long] a brush with death Credit to u/echonight . This is a cross post from r/askreddit There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted. About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off. The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak. The grim reaper swears. Oh no. This always happens with identical twins . What do you mean. asks the dentist. Well. if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now. The dentist is noticeably upset. He says Wait. Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life. After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life. The grim reaper asks What do you have in mind. The dentist thinks. How about a challenge. If I beat you, you let my brother go free. The grim reaper laughs. I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose. The dentist smiles. I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide. Very well says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom. Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper grins. You are foolish human. But, you are entitled to your chance. The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He smiles. It's unbelievable. The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth. The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. You win, human. This time. Your brother will live. He disappears in a puff of smoke. At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It's his brother, the dentist. He picks up. Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died. The dentist smiles on the phone and says. That's interesting, bro","Today you might say that I also had a brush with death" +"RIP boiled water","You will be mist" +"My wife keeps insisting that I should warm up before I start exercising","Sounds like a stretch to me" +"I tried to learn the national language of. Finland. But. I just couldn't","Finnish." +"What did the Egyptian embalmer say after finishing their job","Well that's a wrap" +"Got the girl behind the counter at the auto shop. I got my car inspected and the exchange when. I went to pay was as follows:. Her: That will be a $30 bill . Me: Hmmm,. I don't think. I have a 30 on me","Her: *polite laughter*" +"Butterfingers and M&Ms are okay. but Mars Bars and Milky Way are out of this world","(Not a great joke, but I've found its good for a few Snickers)" +"My dad texts me jokes about once a week. Here are about 30 of my favorites. * What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes. You get mono from snatching kisses. * If you were to lose your left arm, you'd be all right. * Why can't you hear a pteradactyl going to the bathroom. Because the P is silent. * Communists only write in lower-case letters because they hate capitalism. * I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist. * Cat Woman's real name is Catherine Woman. * I have a new cat joke. Just kitt'en. * How do you find Will Smith in the snow. Look for Fresh Prints. * * Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar. They got six months each. * I just saw an Apple store get robbed. Does that make me an iWitness. * Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common. * I'm moving to Seoul. I was told it would be a good Korea move. * Did you hear about the professor who was killed in a car accident. He was grading papers on a curve. * Why isn't an iPhone charger called Apple Juice. * Ever try to eat a clock. It's very time consuming. * When Peter Pan throws punches, they Never Land. * I was struggling to understand how lightning works, but then it struck me. * Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time, too. * Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon, and then follow up with, Ah, I guess you had to be there. * I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot. * Would you call a drunk working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic. * Yesterday I got covered in ketchup from my head tomatoes. * Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the same comb I've had for 20 years. I just can't part with it. * *Picture of my sister after getting her nose pierced* She nose something. * I went to the dentist and showed him my cavity. He told me to pull up my pants and get the hell out. * Did you hear about the kidnapping at school. It was okay - he woke up. * So what if I can't spell armageddon. It's not the end of the world. * When you get an infection, urine trouble. * Hey waiter. This coffee tastes like mud. Yes, sir; it's fresh ground. * How did the butcher introduce his wife. Meat Patty. * Elton John is a great piano player, but he sucks on the organ. * Elton John wrote a tribute to Amy Winehouse: *Candle Under the Spoon* * * What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan. Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke. * *My absolute favorites. I'm a pretty big Amy Winehouse fan so he likes to make fun of me. And the Will Smith one is just genius","**EDIT:** Since you guys seemed to like these, I'll post again each time he sends me a new one" +"When. I have a problem,. I go to a chemist","They usually have the solution." +"I was just watching Star Wars episode 3 with some friends and got to this scene. Padmé hold me, Anakin. Like the way you used to on Naboo","Me (impersonating Anakin) Nah boo, it ain't like dat" +"Got the girlfriend last week. After a date night, I walked her to a car. It was late, so she tole me to go upstairs and put on my pajamas. Her - well, you don't wear pajamas. I guess your boxers Me - right. I don't sleep in the nude. That'd be a little weird Her - There are weirder things to sleep in Me - Yeah, like a suit of armor Her - That would be weird Me - At least I'd get a good knight's sleep. She roller her eyes and told me to go to bed. Edit - I clearly can't type","I'm leaving the 'roller' mistake though" +"How'd I get from Iraq to Pakistan","Iran" +"My husband refused to laugh at my hilarious dadjoke. I was walking through the bedroom in the dark, and I ran into our mirror. (I'm pretty blind without my contacts in. ) >Husband: What happened. >Me: I ran into the mirror. >Husband: Are you okay. >Me: Yeah, I'm just seeing double. *belly laughs ensue* >Husband: I refuse to laugh at that. He knows I'm funny >_> right. Right","T_T" +"Saw a tree fall today Dad - Saw some guys chop down a tree today Me - And how was that. Dad - Strange there was 4 guys doing it. Me - How is that strange. Dad - I thought there would have been tree fellers","Three fellas/Tree fellers" +"Did you hear about the giant who threw up","It's all over town" +"TIL: The first musical genius known in history was Sisyphus","He was the original master of rock and roll" +"A doctor gave a man 6 months to live","The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another 6 months" +"I renamed my. IPod Titanic","It's syncing as we speak." +"what is the opposite of handsome. handful","yes my dad told me this joke xD" +"My dad told me he was reading a book about anti-gravity","and couldn't put it down" +"Why do scuba divers always fall backwards into the water","Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat" +"I'm really bad with fish names","Everytime I try to think of one, I flounder" +"I just finished grilling a steak","It refuses to tell me who it’s working for" +"I was at the doctor's office yesterday and before getting blood drawn the lady says I'm Tamera, I'll be drawing you today which I responded with, drawing me. Where's your pen & paper","I couldn't keep from giggling Tamera wasn't amused" +"A gem from my dad after my brother's concert tonight When he finally comes out my dad tells him he did well and then this exchange happens: Dad: You look like a model. Brother: Oh thanks. Dad: A model train. Laughs had all around","Except by my brother" +"My dad was addicted to the Hokey Pokey","but he turned himself around" +"Dad joke from my 29 year old non-father husband I complained at my sister's college graduation about how hot it was at the front of the tent when I was trying to get a picture of her crossing the stage. He says, well there are 619 degrees up there","My father was so proud he regurgitated that joke for everyone else all day" +"I don't always tell dad jokes","But when I do, he laughs" +"The Guy Who Invented Lifesavers . My dad literally told me this one last week: Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers","They say he made a mint" +"So my plumber is doing this Christmas-time ballet","He's calling it the Buttcracker" +"What did 0 say to 8","Nice belt" +"I know a guy who has collected candy canes for years","They are all in mint condition" +"My wife asked why the road was so rough","I said because it was raised on the streets." +"Priest: do you enjoy being a Heretic","Heretic: I don’t just enjoy being a heretic, it’s a blasphemy" +"Dad Jokes in class. Teacher: The test will be on Wednesday. Student: What is the test on","Me: Its on Wednesday" +"Why are Genghis Khan's achievements so respected","Because he had to fight every steppe of the way" +"What do you call it when a pirate has sore joints","Arrrrrthritis" +"priding this one because it actually happened to me today and I just birthed this dad joke about 5 minutes ago. After months of wanting a Purple highlighter for my desk, I finally found one","It was the highlight of my day" +"What kind of track does a clown car race on","A laugh track" +"Scientists are creating a world where monkeys are allergic to tobbaco. They're calling it the. Planet of the. Vapes (Thanks to. Hugh","Dennis for this one)" +"Dad: What's the capital of Alaska. Dad: What's the capital of Alaska. Son: Juneau. Dad: No, I don't. That's why I'm asking you","Guess Alaska 'nother person then" +"Why did Amazon Prime temporarily change its name to Amazon Rime","Because it needed a P break" +"What do you call a broken can opener","A can’t opener" +"I would love to meet the guy who invented air conditioning","I bet he's pretty cool" +"What’s worse than ants in your pants","Uncles" +"What do you call a hippies wife","Mississippi" +"Did you hear about the Latino boy whose father works happily on a military vessel","He has a feliz navy dad" +"Why did the book cross the road","To get to the author side" +"A man was rushed to the emergency room after several small plastic model horses were inserted in his rectum","The doctors are now reporting his condition as stable" +"I never take my herding dog into the theatre, but tonight my children are performing","So I might let my coliseum" +"I don’t eat cantaloupe","I prefer to eat fruit that have positive attitudes." +"Can I tell you a kitchen joke","Never mind it would be too whisky" +"Today, my son asked Can I have a book mark. I burst into tears","11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian" +"my boys I have a five year old boy and a three year old boy. They always tell me, I'm hungry. I respond with, I'm Daddy nice to meet you hungry. The five year old laughs and responds with, Could you please make me something to eat. He gets it. But the three year old will continue to tell me, I'm hungry. Of course I will continue to respond that I'm Daddy. The other night the five year old coached my youngest. Baby Noah. Say please. Daddy won't get us sumthin to eat. Noah pauses and says, Please Daddy. I'm hungry Before I can respond the five year old, slaps his forehead and sighs, No baby Noah you're not hungry. Noah looks confused and says, I'm not","I couldn't stop laughing" +"Do you know why you can't hear pterodactyls urinate","Because they are extinct" +"Do bears have any fur on their butts","No, they’re straight up beare-assed" +"Dadjoked a city. kinda So in Canberra people are picking their own mushrooms; which would be fine except for the rather hazardous Death Caps that seem to be plentiful right now. A local radio station asked their listeners whether hey thought mushroom sales at stores or restaurants would go down, and what people thought of the whole issue. With a decade of experience in hospitality I thought I'd call and while waiting to go on air, the presenters joked about calling up the head 'mushroom guy' for Australia and asking their opinion. I go on air and assure them that no restaurant worth their salt would risk their name and business by buying mushrooms that weren't from an official farm. But just before They bid me farewell I said; I hope you do get to talk to the head mushroom person, I bet he's a real *Fungi* . There was silence followed by barely audible raucous laughter from what sounded like either outside their booth or over the intercom, I'm not sure. The presenters denied me an on air groan or laugh and just pretended like I had said nothing. But someone laughed. Someone. [Edit: Wow, unable to log in to reddit for a day and I miss getting nearly eight times more up votes than I have since joining Reddit last year. Thanks all","I knew having a 1 yr old would pay off" +"Doctor Joke Why did the doctor quit his job, and switch to another one","He lost his patience" +"Ya hear about the first guy to invent garden shears","It was cutting-hedge technology" +"What's a Bigfoot's favorite food","Spagyeti" +"I told my my gf. I couldn’t eat angel cake","It would be considered cannibalism." +"If your wife wants to learn how to drive","Don't stand in her way" +"Statistics say that 1 out of every 4 people","Make up a quarter of the population" +"I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits. ’ He said: ‘How flexible are you","’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’" +"What do you call a man with no body and no nose","Nobody Knows" +"My buddy is a math teacher, and says for Halloween he is dressing up as a tree. When his students ask him what he is, he's going to say, Gee, I'm a tree","(Geometry)" +"I tried to change the wood of my table but got yelled at","I was just trying to spruce things up" +"Who was the fattest knight at King Arthur's round table","Sir cumference (Courtesy of my granddad today)" +"What do you call it when Tic Tacs are introduced to peppermint patties. Mints meet","(credit to my actual dad for this joke)" +"i heard you can determine the gender of an ant by throwing it into a pool. if it sinks; girl ant","if it floats; boy ant (if you repeat it enough times you'll eventually get it)" +"How did I get out of Iraq","Iran" +"My friend Jay just had twins, and wants to name them after him","So I suggested Kay and Elle" +"What do you call a frenchman in sandals","Phillipe Phillope" +"*Nsfl* What do you call a Jewish Pokemon trainer","Ash" +"My dad is driving our car using a GPS for directions and. We are directed to turn right by the GPS. GPS - Bear right. Dad - There is a bear to the right","Everybody in the car just sighs and he just chuckles" +"What do you call two spiders who just got married","Newlywebs" +"Stranger Things water cooler talk Coworker: Huh. The Duffer Brothers are twins. Who knew","Me: Their Parents" +"I gave all of my dead batteries away today","Free of charge" +"My. Canadian friend loves shoes","I mean its all he talks a-boot" +"Dad joked my dad this morning Major League Baseball fans will get this one. We stayed at a hotel last night. This morning my dad was putting on his Craig Kimbrel t-shirt. He looked at me when I was wearing my Andrelton Simmons t-shirt. Dad: Sorry SigilOfStark, looks like we're twins today. Me: No, Dad. We're Braves","I got a sensible chuckle from him and a well-deserved groan from my mom" +"I've just been diagnosed as colorblind","I know, it certainly has come out of the purple" +"At dinner, my fiance said Raisins are starting to grow on me Response Where","Her dad and step mom found it hilarious" +"What would an association run by professional nuns focus on","Pronunciation" +"Why are soldiers tranported in railway survive better than by airdrop or ship","Soilders are well-trained" +"A slew by a guy named Micah. - I'm not too fond of Geology. - Yeah, it really doesn't rock. - . Really. - Hey, I've got to slate the obvoius. -*groan* - Don't take my pun abilites for granite. - Will you stop. - Hey, I don't do these just for you. I do them for me","Formica" +"I have an idea, lets buy a skyscraper, and turn it into a huge meth factory. said Jessie. That's illegal on *so* many levels","replied Walter" +"TIL Subway employees can get fired for mixing up an order just once","Wrong Sub" +"A dadjoke at the restaurant Dad: I'll have the steak diane Waitress: How do you want that cooked","Dad: like this *pretends to be shaking a frying pan whilst making sizzling noises* Waitress: *Genuinely* laughs" +"What did the child say when he hit his knee","Ow, my kidney" +"An old friend dad joked me at his restaurant Me to friend: You work fourteen hour shifts, make everything from scratch, and tend your own vegetable and herb garden. Where do you find the time","Friend: Right next to the rosemary" +"I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia","I won’t rest until I find it" +"I can’t believe. New. Years is in 364 days. And there are people in. Times","Square already" +"Why couldn’t the bee dress as a ghost for Halloween. ***Because most people are offended at seeing Boo Bees","-My 10 yr old son" +"So I just heard about two thieves that stole a calendar","They each got six months" +"Hold on to your wallets and purses everyone","It's a little muggy out tonight" +"Marriage is grand","But a divorce is 10 grand" +"A man went to the ocean","All he wanted to do was to sea it." +"Got my girlfriend with this techy dadjoke My girlfriend was talking about her family and she said: Her - Ya, turns out my dad sudo checks up on me now and again. Me - Well that's good he does administrative checks. Her - *super hard eye roll* Me - Because if he didn't that would probably be the **root** of all your problems. Her - Oh my god stop ha-ha Me - What are you talking about. These jokes have opened new Windows of opportunity. Her - You're going to get punched. Me - Well I guess you could say that I'm the bad Apple then","Her - *eyes roll out of her head and she Punches my arm* Success" +"Why are chemists so hard to talk to","The react to everything" +"I delivered to a pet crematorium for the first time yesterday","The place smelled like hotdogs" +"I was very lonely so I bought some shares It's nice to have a bit of company. ^^^^^[Here](https://www. reddit","com/r/Jokes/comments/5eglg4/i_was_very_lonely_so_i_bought_some_shares/)" +"Yesterday a clown held a door open for me","I thought it was a nice jester" +"I tried to attend a seminar for kleptomaniacs. [All the seats were already taken. ](https://www. reddit. com/r/dadjokes/comments/9fgwi8/i_tried_to_attend_a_seminar_for_kleptomaniacs/e5whq1d","utm_source=reddit-android)" +"My friend's dad got me today I was at my buddy's house and noticed he had a copy of Go Set a Watchman and I asked him what it was about","His dad, sitting across the room said It's about 250 pages then just laughed as my buddy and I groaned and left the room" +"What are you making there, Mom. I saw that my mom was making some sort of granola bar tpe thing, so I asked her what it is. She says, They're walnut bars. I said, What are those","My Dad then replies, It's where walnuts go to drink" +"What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo","One's heavy the other is a little lighter" +"How many times did the Spanish teacher have to tell her class how to say eleven","Once" +"How exactly to you get from California to Hawaii","By crossing the specific Ocean" +"A Buddhist refused anaesthetic during a root canal procedure. His goal","Transcend dental medication" +"NASCAR bans the confederate flag","Finally a turn in the right direction" +"I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill","Unfortunately, they only had friars" +"Why did the comedians go to jail","Manslaughter" +"I discovered that. I have a fetish for figuring things out","I just came to that realization" +"I wrote a book about Nemo and his rage towards plastic","It's called… Nemo 3: The last straw" +"That French pastry chef makes me so uncomfortable","To be honest, he gives me the crepes" +"My friend was too sick to pay his water bill","I told him to get well soon" +"My Dad dropped his phone in a cup of coffee. After a stunned silence","At least it runs Java now" +"What's the worst thing about ancient history class","The teachers tend to Babylon" +"TIL that. Mona. Lisa was once accused of murder","Turns out she was framed" +"Kid wanted to be an electrician","His parents were shocked." +"Someone asked me, what do I know about midgets","Very little, I said" +"Queue is just one letter followed by four silent letters","They must be waiting for their turn." +"Did you hear about the guy whose eyes fell out","His doctor prescribed him eye DROPS" +"Wife and I went to replace some flowers on a relative's grave today. She tried to mention buying our own grave plots as we were leaving","&nbsp; &nbsp; I told her that This was the last thing I needed" +"What do you call a black man flying a plane","A pilot, you racist bitch" +"Why did the frog leave his bride at the altar","He wasn’t ready for kermitment" +"Got my sick mom Mom: I think I have the runs. Me: Then why are you sitting down","" +"What is the difference between snowman and a snowwoman","Snowballs" +"I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers","It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'" +"A book just fell on my head","I only have my shelf to blame" +"Four men are sitting in a hospital waiting room because their wives are all giving birth, A nurse comes up to the first man and says, “Congratulations. You are the proud father of a pair of twins. ” “That’s funny. ” the man said, “I work for Twin Peaks. ” Another nurse comes into the room and goes to the second man and says, “Congratulations. Your wife has just given birth to triplets. ” “That’s funny. ” the second man said, “ I work for the 3M company. ” Yet another nurse comes into the room and says to the third man, “Congratulations. Your wife has just given birth to quadruplets. ” “That’s so funny. ” said the third man, “I work at the Four Seasons Hotel. ” The last man is groaning and whining in obvious agony, “What’s wrong. ” the other men ask. “I work at Seven Eleven. ” He replied","Happy Fathers Day" +"I would like to give you all a big thank you too [THANK YOU] ( http://i. myniceprofile. com/1496/149648","gif )" +"I think I should learn sign language","It could come in handy" +"What’s the difference between a guy with formal wear on a bicycle and a guy with casual wear on a unicycle","Attire" +"Why is 6 afraid of 7","Prime-al fear" +"I was arrested for downloading the entirety of. Wikipedia. I told them","I could explain everything." +"This year, I gave up using spreadsheets for 40 days","It is Excel Lent" +"I just watched a documentary on Crystal Meth","I think all documentary should be watched this way" +"Not a dad, but I think I am prepared. Well everyone in line thought so anyway. This starts and ends at the local coffee shop I go to on the way to work. My cashier takes my order; sausage, egg & cheese with salt, pepper, ketchup and hot sauce, on toasted rye. She taps away for a moment on the iPad POS then looks up and says and a name for the sandwich. to which I quickly raise my chest and proclaim Breakfast. To this all 6 people in the shop, including the cashier started chuckling","[drop mic]" +"What do you call a cow that just gave birth","Decaffeinated" +"What is Astronaut's favourite keyboard key","The Space Bar" +"I was doing some electrical work for a friend who recently moved into a new place Since he was my buddy, I was doing this thing for next to nothing. He called me up the other morning and our conversation went as follows Hey buddy, do you think you could come by my place and install a couple of heaters. Yeah for sure. Consider it a 'house warming' gift. I could basically hear his eyes rolling","EDIT: Phones don't format properly" +"I got new eye glasses Them: Do you like them","Me: We shall see" +"How do you comfort a grammar nazi","There their, they’re there" +"What is a giraffe's favorite beer","High-neckin'" +"Prison guard dad brought this gem home Friday. What would you call it if prisoners took their own mug-shots","Cellfies" +"What do you call a homo police dog","A gay-9" +"So. I told my dad about r/dadjokes","He replies more like bad jokes, haha" +"Have you seen the movie Constipation","The trailer looks good but I don't know when it comes out" +"When satan goes. Bald","There will be hell toupée" +"Did you hear about the Mexican train killer","He had locomotives" +"So I'm dating Hope Solo now","I think she's a keeper" +"The government forcibly took over Marshall Mathers’ childhood home","They are citing Eminem Domain" +"We saw a girl dressed as a present tonight","Friend said she was looking rather presentable" +"Guy makes dad joke and doesn't realize it. I am at the park the other day with my daughter. Near us is a father and 3 boys who keep gathering leaves and throwing them at him. The father says Okay, that's enough throwing leaves. Obviously the boys do not stop. He then says very firmly If you throw anymore, then we are going to leave","I busted out loud as he gave me a dirty look" +"$100 Bill A: Why are you late. B: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. A: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it","B: No, I was standing on it" +"What did Sean Connery say when a book fell and hit his head","“I can only blame my shelf" +"I watched. The. Labyrinth today. It was","Amazing." +"Mom: Did you look at the weather today. Me: Yeah, I looked outside two or three times. Mom: . I just wanted to know when it was going to start raining tomorrow. Dad: It's probably gonna start raining when it hits the ground. Mom:","Thanks guys" +"I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage","The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity" +"I bet the group TLC had some dirty dishes in their house","None of them wanted any scrubs, so rinsing was all they could manage" +"When someone asks me what i post on reddit","I simply say that they r/dadjokes" +"What do you call two similar boobs","Identities" +"A bad pool I recently bought a pool on Amazon and the height wasn't even close to what was advertised","You can go there to read my review in depth" +"I swore to kill my calendar","I told him his days were numbered." +"I work in a formica factory","Everyone says I am counter-productive" +"What does Capt","Kirk say when his first mate does something amazing That was Spocktacular" +"If I have 6 apples in one hand, and 8 in the other, what do I have","Massive hands" +"My wife told me to put two pieces of wood together","Nailed it !!" +"There was this Chinese guy . hu xieng . he was a vet","but soon he lost his job cuz Hu let the dogs out" +"What do cows tell each other at bedtime","Dairy tales" +"I had a really boring dream last night","I slept through most of it" +"I was bitten by a Tyrannosaurus Rex","Now I have a dino sore" +"Which Reindeer do dinosaurs hate the most","Comet" +"What's a gamer's favourite fish","CoD" +"Son, stay away from girls with an hourglass figure","They're a complete waist of time" +"What do you call a nurse who is also into gardening","A treeage nurse" +"What's the difference between a toothpick and a chainsaw","If you don't know, you better not pick your teeth" +"What kind of dog is good at magic","A labracadabrador" +"I had a back surgery a while ago","About a weak back" +"My local theatre is showing a play called 'The Dictionary","' It's a play on words" +"What do you call a milk man in high heels","Dairy Queen" +"What starts with an E and ends with an E, but often only has one letter. An Envelope. [*Since we're on the topic of envelopes. *](https://www. reddit","com/r/dadjokes/comments/7n2ija/you_can_throw_an_envelope_as_far_as_you_want_but/)" +"What do you get when you boil your funny bone","Laughing stock" +"Wife is pregnant and. I told them to watch what she talks about. Because","I have an inside man." +"Heard this at a grocery store today Customer: Do you guys have any evaporated milk","Employee: Sorry, it's all gone" +"Two guys walk into a bar","You'd think the second guy would have noticed it." +"I think Keigh is a cool first name During The Grammy Awards Dad- I think Keigh is a cool first name. Me- You think Key is a cool first name. Dad- No, Keigh. Like Keigh Thurban","Me- Get out" +"A boy finally reached the front of the line at a water park, but when I measured him he was just short of the mark","I shrugged, Eh, I'll let it slide" +"Have you heard the one about the clown who pulled a hamstring","It’s a running joke" +"You are locked in a room only with a bed and a calendar. How do you survive. You eat the dates and drink from the springs.","ok ill leave now" +"The first unmanned space walk happened today","Because it was two girls" +"I saw my dad slumped over the lawn mower, crying his eyes out, so I yelled, Are you ok","He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch" +"I like. Korean music. It has a lot of","Seoul" +"I See","said the blind man as he picked up the hammer and saw" +"Got/lost my friends today We were looking for a place to hang out after school and one of them asked me is your house free","to which I replied no we had to pay for it I have no more friends" +"My blind friend kept lying to me","It was hard for him to see the truth" +"I got a new job this week as the Senior Director at Old McDonald's Farm","I'm the new CIEIO" +"Mexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same","Once you heard Juan you've heard Jamal" +"Ever buy a vibrator","Just to find out it doesn't rate your vibes?" +"“Doctor, there is an invisible man in the waiting room” “Tell him","I can’t see him right now” (Told to me by my daughter while eating)" +"Are you enjoying 2018 so far. I am","2017 was such an odd year for me" +"Who is Dumbledore's cousin","Dumblewindow" +"What does a vegetarian zombie eat","GRRRAAAAAIIIINNNNS" +"What do you do when you want to see some videos of big cats","You click some Lynx" +"I passed my forklift test today. I did very well","My carer says I should be able to try the spoon tomorrow" +"Relationships are a lot like algebra. You look at your. X and wonder","Y" +"What do you call a girl who has just deactivated her Tinder account","She is in Men-o-pause" +"Which state has the most streets","Rhode Island" +"I was depressed and my life wasn't going anywhere. Then","I did the hokey pokey, and it turned my life around." +"Want to hear a knock knock joke","Two guys walk into a bar" +"Just found out. I have diarrhea","My doctor says it runs in my genes" +"Did you hear about the guy who got a new boomerang for his birthday","He spent the next two days trying to throw the old one away" +"We had just finished binge watching 'Stranger Things' . and were walking up stairs to go to bed, when this exchange took place: GF: Whoa, there's a tv remote all the way over here on the stairs, isn't that weird. Me: Meh, I've seen stranger things. GF: Oh my god, STOP","it got an eye roll and chuckle out of her though" +"I think I'm going to be a great dad when the time comes. My wife told me she was going to put the oven on","I told her not to as I didn't think it would suit her" +"I tried to pick up after my dog last night","but it was so dark that I couldn't see shit" +"Why do melons have big weddings","Because they cantaloupe" +"What do you do if you're attacked by a group of clowns","You go for the juggler" +"Where did Mary go after the explosion","Everywhere" +"If you are ever feeling like you don’t know your place in the universe, just remember:. You and the universe came from the same thing. A. Big","Bang" +"I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today","I should have cooked it at aloha temperature" +"Got my girlfriend right before bed last night We're getting ready for bed, and I let one rip. The gf tells me to light a match to get rid of the smell. As I'm going to light it, I turn to her: So I guess you could say there's quite the. <strikes match>. SPARK in the bedroom tonight","Groan-filled laughter ensued" +"Bought a dog from a Blacksmith. I bought a dog from a blacksmith once","As soon as I got home it made a bolt for the door" +"A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says Hey","The horse says Sure" +"Got dad-joked at work. I'm a cashier at -insert big name car dealership- while talking to customer, I got joked. I'm gonna need a couple signatures from you sir, right here, and here But I've only got one signature","And all I could do was roll my eyes, shake my head and chuckle" +"My wife treats me like god","She ignores my existence and talks to me when she needs something" +"What is made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones","Trombones" +"Why hasn't Abraham Lincoln ever been charged with a crime","He's in a cent" +"When I was telling my parents about ants getting into my keyboard and them being murdered to death. Dad: It's the Pink Panther. Me: I don't get it. Dad: Dead ant, dead ant","He made up for it by giving me a replacement keyboard at least" +"I once knew a guy whose entire career was based around rating the best ceilings for different houses. Ever day he researched the available options and what was best and worst about them","He was a ceiling fan" +"My dad got me pretty good last night. I was watching TV with my dad and told him I wasn't feeling too well and might throw up. Sure enough I end up going to the bathroom and throw up in the toilet","My dad had poked his head around the corner and says, Well no wonder you threw up, you had puke in your stomach" +"As bad as asbestos sounds","I'd really hate to run across asworstos" +"When I was a child, I was terrified of my family's horse, Lady. When I was a child, I was terrified of my family's horse, Lady. I wasn't scared of the other horses, but Lady was different. You would *never* see her during the daytime. But, nighttime was a different story. Every night, she would gallop wildly round and round the house, stopping at my bedroom window to snort and whinny","I told my dad about this, and how much it scared me, but he would always tell me that Lady was just a night mare" +"Has anyone ever read the Gospel of Shrek","Just open the Bible to Psalm- BODY ONCE TOLD ME" +"A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender says, What is this","Some kind of joke" +"6:30 is the best time on the clock","Hands down" +"My daughter is a huge fan of The Arctic Monkeys But she wasn't such a fan of [my joke](http://i. imgur. com/frVUDTZl. png)","(If they ever make a tour stop within 250 miles, I think I now owe her concert tickets" +"Why do movie makers record laser gun sound effects in churches","Because they go “pew pew pew”" +"Was grumpy the other day and my wife accused me of being HANGRY . After pondering. I commented, nope,. I'm","HORNERY!" +"If I steal a Tesla","is it called an Edison" +"I think I need glasses I was at the store picking out a desk calendar for next year but I couldn't make out a thing printed on them","I guess I don't have 20/20 vision" +"The main reason why I can't stand this sub","It has too much mustard" +"I was going to be a doctor one day. But","I just don't have the patience." +"Co-worker said he was going home to drink some sake","I said that I hoped for his sake that it was good" +"I was talking about biology today My whole family was in the car today, and dad got me You should hear about this. We were talking about meiosis today in cla- Oh, by the way, how is your osis","The car almost exploded with groans" +"Dad just said this Me: Can I put the TV on","Dad: You can try but I don't think it'll fit you" +"I tripped over my broom and bent the handle","I haven't been sweeping well lately" +"A dad joke from tumblr: A pregnant woman goes into a coma. Months later she wakes up, no longer pregnant “You had twins. ” the nurse exclaims. “Your brother named them. ” “What did he name the girl. ” the woman asks. “Denise. ” “That’s alright, I like Denise. and the boy","” “Denephew" +"I can hear my mom snoring in the other room","My dad comes in and says Tomorrow you're gonna have to pick up all of the wood mom's sawing." +"If. I was an injured cat,. Me:","Ow." +"All of the world eventually got the virus. But","China got it right off the bat" +"How do billboards communicate","Using sign language" +"Reading a paper looking at the difference between limb development in snakes & mammals someone asked what the composition of the snake genome is. I said:","I bet it contains a lot of hisssstidines." +"Breaking. News","Ne ws" +"What did Dracula plant in his garden","Succulents" +"Thank God that Jesus wasn’t a baker","It took him three days to rise" +"Where can you go to find a dog with no legs","Wherever you left him" +"In a little-known piece of rock history. Courtney Love once asked Jon Bon Jovi to name her new band. Bon Jovi jokingly suggested 'Hole'. Love though this was great - provocative and rude - so she went with it. Her ex, Corey Hart, of 'Sunglasses At Night' fame, did not approve. He sought to confront Bon Jovi on the night of Hole's first gig and, a little drunk, tried to climb the fence of Bon Jovi's LA estate. Bon Jovi, thinking Hart an intruder, winged him with a gun belonging to Bono and The Edge's tour manager, who was dining there that night. The ensuing fracas was in all the papers, overshadowing Hole's debut, and angering Kurt Cobain, who was interested in Hole's lead singer. Cobain sent Jon Bon Jovi a note, demanding he apologise, and Bon Jovi replied . Shot Corey Hart, and U2 blamed. You give Love a band name","" +"Did you hear about the three bears that were competing for the same job","It was a grizzly competition between polar opposites but, in the end, one was way more koalafied" +"On a scale of 1 to 10","it's really hard to weigh yourself" +"When should an astronaut retire","When they start spacing out" +"I also got dadjoked by my son this week. Twice. He's 12. 1st - Hey dad, how come nobody can come up with a good, stable news channel on tv. What do you mean. Every one you watch say their news is breaking. --------------------- 2nd - We were having dinner and my 15 year old mentioned that something or other 'really sucked. ' The 12 year old responded with not really, that doesn't really suck, you know what does.","silence A vacuum cleaner, that really sucks" +"What did the egg say at the party","Om-lit" +"he walked right into this one. http://imgur","com/uw6in88" +"I was asked why. I pushed over an old lady at the bank today","I mean, she told me to check her balance" +"So, I'm waiting in the check out line carrying a 30 pack of Coors Light. When the lady in front of me looks at me and says. Lady: That beer look real heavy. Me: Well ma'am, it says right here on the box that it's light beer","" +"I was at the Louvre in Paris and I noticed some of the statues outside were missing fingers. Makes sense when you think about it","They were built in the pre-digital age" +"Dad joked by my girl As I'm walking into the store (which has Terrible reception), I'm on the phone with my girlfriend. Before I walk in I say Hey babe I might lose you in the store because of the cell service She replied with How are you going to lose me in the store","I'm not even with you" +"I'm only familiar with 25 letters of the alphabet","I don't know why" +"Why don’t you ever see a pirate cry","When they do, it’s a private tear" +"Did you hear about the dramatic circus clown","His act is always in tents" +"Just got my wife She asked Why is Colby such a popular name. My response was I'm not sure, it seems a bit cheesy to me","" +"I made my fortune selling broth","I guess you could say I’m a bouillonaire" +"What do you get when you boil a funny bone","Laughing stock" +"Being a dad now, I decided to practice my dad jokes in comic form. Got no love from /r/comics so I thought I'd try my luck. I'm not here to make you laugh. [I'm here to make you groan. ](http://dadjokecomics. com/comic/003","aspx)" +"Me: Having trouble making your mind up","Dad: Well, yes and no" +"My girlfriend asked if. I hung out with my friends this weekend","I replied yes, all 10 seasons actually" +"My fiance asked what I thought of the new Greek restaurant","I said it was nice but it was a little Spartan inside" +"Nineteen and Twenty got into a fight","21" +"Have you guys read the","Iliad it was epic" +"I'm reading a book about anti-gravity","It's impossible to put down" +"What do you call a deer with no eyes","No ideer" +"All these protests","I get being anti-homework but how can you be pro-tests" +"Last night i caught a burglar in my living room. He was super chilled and smelled of incense","I think the break-in was pre-meditated" +"Why did you get fired from the keyboard factory","I didn't put in enough shifts" +"A short exchange at the liquor store So, I'm at the counter in a liquor store, where I see that the cashier is wearing a mock Sons of Anarchy shirt that says, Sloths of Anarchy and has a sloth as the logo. As he's ringing me up, I'm trying to think of the perfect way to compliment his shirt. AHA. THIS WILL BE PERFECT He hands me my receipt and I say, Hey man, I like the shirt falling for my trap he replies, Oh thanks dude, do you watch the show. My genius reply: Yeah I did, but it was kinda slow He doesn't even notice and continues to ask if I watched the whole thing","Maybe the world isn't ready for my dad jokes" +"I tried to pour myself a glass from a picture of water","Nothing came out of the photo though" +"Dad: Son, I’ll never forget where I was when I heard the news that JFK was shot","It was my sixth grade American history class" +"There was a man that wanted to quit his job as a kids party entertainer but kept on procrastinating. Then one day he woke up and said to himself","No more clowning around" +"How I know I'm going to be a good dad Today, I had my first official Dad Joke and my girlfriend was not amused. *Talking about seeing each other after a few days I was at the coast with some friends* **Her**: So when are you free. **Me**: Well I'm always free since you dont actually pay me heh **Her**: wow. remind me why are we even dating","*I was pretty proud of myself and note this was all through the phone*" +"This next joke goes out to my father who was a roofer. So dad","If you're up there.." +"What’s a Pirates favorite day at the gym","AAAARms" +"She got me. My daughter wanted a cookie. She took one for herself, one for her brother and one for me. I told her to count them. She goes, 1,2,3,4,5. I asked her to give them to me and I handed them back to her one at a time. As I counted each one, she repeated, 1 2 3 Then I asked how many do you have","She said, all of them" +"What happened to the magic tractor driving down the road","It turned into a field" +"The. Mexican magician said he would disappear on the count of three","He disappeared without a tres" +"I knew my sisters had gotten me a new small lamp for my birthday I shook the wrapped gift and said","This feels a little light" +"Two peanuts were walking down the street","One was a salted" +"How do pickles celebrate their cake day","They relish the moment" +"I bought a selfie-stick here's a photo of my daughter and me taken with it http://i. imgur. com/In3hWXC","jpg" +"When we hug, I call the area between my girlfriend and I the Napoleonic Area","Because we are just a Bonaparte" +"Barber: You have nice hair","Me: Thanks, I grew it myself" +"While watching Sons of Anarchy The first episode is titled Pilot. *Yea, dad. * Hmmm","I thought this was about bikers, not airplanes" +"Wife: can you turn up the fan. Me: no, it's already on the ceiling","Wife: *GROAN*" +"I heard. Jeremy. Clarkson isn't coming back to. Top. Gear. But. James","May." +"As someone who is bad with tennis I was playing tennis, wondering where the ball went","And then it hit me" +"What’s a house painter’s favorite bond film","Live and Let Dry" +"Whats yellow, has four legs, flys, and weighs a thousand pounds","Two 500lb canaries 😂 (Joke may or may not have been stolen from The Andy Griffith Show S2 EP5 Barney on the Rebound )" +"I saw my nephew after a year and said, “Wow. You must have grown a foot since I saw you last. ” He said, “Nope","Still have two" +"Dad, without fail. At least once a week. Me: I'm gonna go jump in the shower. Dad: You'd better step, its safer. Me: Ugh","Nevermind, I'm moving out" +"Got my son. Me, driving at dawn with eldest son: Woah, deer. Son (11 years old): Wow there's a lot of them. They must stay out all night. Me: Yes. They are","party animals" +"What is a Toddler favorite alcohol","Whine" +"What do you call a cow with only two legs","Lean Beef" +"My wife just bought some organic rosehips","I did even know roses had legs." +"Hello. [x-post /r/funny] http://i. imgur. com/iaql2tZ","gif" +"Why is it so easy to trick a vampire","Because they're a bunch of suckers" +"Watching geese flying in a V: Do you know why the one side is longer","Because there are more geese on that side" +"I don't often post a tired joke","But when I do, it rolls around again, and again, and again" +"A couple of my dad's infamous sayings Whenever someone comes into the house my dad asks Hey, ______, can I get you a drink or something to eat. I can open up a can of ribs. My dad thinks this is hilarious and usually ends up cracking himself up while our guest just stands there nervously laughing from confusion. It's a Woody Allen quote btw. Another one is whenever someone asks what his occupation is: Philanthropist Really. Yea","But I'm not a very good one" +"Why can't Barbarians keep their hands off their axes","All that cleavage" +"What did the vegan say at mass","Lettuce pray" +"I know a great trash joke","But I REFUSE to tell it" +"My dad made me shudder with this one. I'm 22. Me: You should be more careful where you put things","Dad: I wish they'd told me that twenty two years ago" +"What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher","They’re, there, their" +"My dad's a big. James. Bond fan and he told me to try. Viagra if. I was feeling upset and lonely It wont make you. Daniel. Craig but it will make you. Roger","Moore." +"So I asked my dad if he had any rash cream. He hands me this: http://imgur","com/NSdNJTP" +"What do you call a monster with great manners","Thankenstien" +"My mum couldn't believe. I could make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when","I drove pasta" +"Yes, I have my period. ***No, I’m not ovary acting","***" +"Waiter: Do you wanna box for that","Dad: I am not to good at boxing but I'll wrestle for it" +"Yesterday, my girlfriend’s friend received an obvious spam call from. Egypt","I figured it’d be a pyramid scheme" +"A quick guide on How to fall downstairs :. Step 1. Step 6","Step 8, 9, 10, 11." +"My boss said to me tomorrow we weigh the horses Me: Would they like curds too. Boss: No, Sadie","Weigh as in measure Me: No way I was surprised when he smiled and rolled his eyes instead of firing me" +"I was gonna do a bank joke","But I lost interest" +"Speaker: What do we want. Crowd: Low Flying Aeroplanes. Speaker: When do want them","Crowd: NEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW" +"Women's march","But it's January" +"I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them","I can also tell if they’re standing up" +"Was having a brunch with a group of new friends Everyone was commenting on how good the poached eggs were, and with a dead straight face I say: Yeah, poached eggs used to be so popular until they nearly went extinct. Thank god for scrambled","Dad jokes always break the ice" +"Did you hear about the guy that had his left side cut off","It's ok he's all right now" +"What four elements are you not allowed to bring to your job","Nitrogen, sulfur, Fluorine, and tungsten, cause they are NSFW" +"I hate going to restaurants I mean the meal is usually great but the waitress always gets my name wrong. You're bill sir. I always tell them my name is Oli. Even when I show them my name on my card, they just laugh at me","It's so disrespectful" +"What's Jaw's favorite fabric. Denim. denim. denim. denim","denim" +"My nurse just shook her head. A patient came to the ER with a rash that she had been scratching for a few days. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon. I said Wow. You're really . itching to get out of here. Silence, then groans","Just the response I was looking for" +"I'm pretty sure my barber","is talking about me behind my back" +"I fell into a giant seasoning processor. Now","I'm parsley disfigured" +"My wife said she wants to see a new documentary called American Circumcision . She said it's 1 hour and 40 minutes long. I said, An hour and forty minutes","Is that the uncut version" +"What do you call a pile of cats","A meowtain" +"Okay when does a joke become a dad joke","When it becomes apparent" +"My wife and I told my 93 year old grandpa that we were going to have a baby. He said, Congratulations, I hope it's a boy or a girl","Quick as a whip until the day he died" +"Hey man, are you all right. No","I’m half left" +"Where do spiders get their drugs","The deep web" +"My dad got me at iftar Today is the day of Arafat, the most important day of Hajj, the Muslim pilgrimage, and on it, it is highly recommended to fast","When it was time to eat I said I'm going to break my fast now guys and he said if you break it, how are you going to fix it" +"Meeting up with friends, and asked if I was bringing a date","I said I wasn't bringing any fruit" +"What is. Michael. Jackson's favorite pair of shoes","Hee-heelies" +"What do you call a mushroom you can take anywhere","A portable-o" +"My dad dropped this one today. Me:. Dad,. I'm going to jump in the shower. Dad:","Don't hurt yourself." +"I know a man who makes horse feed while his child polishes shoes","He makes hay while the son shines." +"Looking to sell my Delorean","In excellent shape, few miles Only driven time to time" +"What is the deepest part of the ocean","The bottom" +"Dad joked my distracted student I was giving notes in the directions for an upcoming assignments when a student mumbled something to another student. Thinking it might be a question, I asked what was said. I was talking about my sneakers. He admitted. Annoyed at the off topic interruption, I quipped, Oh, are they A-D-Didas","Most groaned, a few clapped" +"My son missed his chance to make a wish when the candles went out","He blew it." +"Proud of my baby girl My 20 year old daughter works in a local small specialty bake shop (Gluten Free, Organic, Vegan). The owner gave her some cash and sent her to the local Sprouts for some salt. She was shoveling salt from the bin into a bag and had about 5 lbs already in the bag and was still shoveling. She noticed a mid 40's man looking at her in wonder. With out missing a beat, my baby girl says We have one hell of a snail problem and keeps shoveling","I've never been more proud" +"Birds playing tonight. Watching St. Louis Cards v. New York Mets on Monday night. Mets wearing Camo Jerseys. Dad The birds aren't playing anyone tonight","I say Yes we are playing the Mets right now Dad - Oh I didn't see em" +"You can't trust a doorknob","You never know when they'll turn on you." +"I've stopped using shampoo to wash my hair","Now I only use the real stuff" +"Wife groaned hard over this one Right after a large chicken dinner, my wife and I were sitting on the couch letting everything digest. A little flirting commenced, but we knew it wasn't going anywhere immediately b/c we were stuffed. Wife: maybe a little later. Me: oh, is there a 2 hour wait between chicken and pork. The groan was deafening","I regret nothing" +"I'm a boss for a large company. We hired a new worker who was strangely enough made entirely out of salt. One day he ended up not turning up to work and we called him, concerned for his wellbeing. He told us we weren't paying enough and he was finding it difficult to keep himself together","Turns out he'd unionized" +"My dad on the phrase of getting around to it My parents were down in Florida for the week, so I had the house to myself and the following conversation occurred when they came home today. Dad: Did you vacuum at all. Me: I was, but just didn't get around to it. Dad: You know I have some of those in my office. Me: What. Dad: Round to its, it is a piece of wood that is round and has the words To It on it. A round to it","Only been home 10 minutes and was graced with this beauty" +"Germany has never won a gold medal at a track event","Which is funny because they’re known for trying to finish a race." +"I can't get through one game Dad: What are you doing. Me: Playing solitaire","Dad: By yourself" +"Did you hear they did a ‘greatest natural disasters of all time’ poll","It was won by a landslide" +"How do you make an apple puff. Chase it round the garden. Usually followed by 'how do you make a sausage roll","Push it down the hill'" +"What if I die. Female friend: maybe you'll come back as an undead. Me: would you still be my friend","FF: ehh depends on the type of undead creature FF: mummy or vampire would be cool FF: not zombie doh Me: being a zombie would be gross Me: vampires are cool though Me: but I couldn't possibly be a mummy Me: I'd be a daddy FF: you and your dad jokes" +"Why did the diode kiss the capacitor","He couldn't resistor" +"And the award for best neckwear goes to. Huh, well would you look at that","It was a tie" +"My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knee to test their reflexes","He really gets a kick out of it" +"A man went into a library and asked, Do you have any books on shelving","The librarian said, Yes, all of them" +"There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator","Only a fraction of people will get this" +"Know why Mr. Peanut uses a cane","Bad case of plantar warts" +"I have my. Grandmother on speed dial. That's what","I call instagram" +"What’s the difference between a regular joke and a dad joke","A dad joke has a lot more responsibility" +"My colleague asked me if i was good at tying knots","I am married for the 3rd time, does that count?" +"Why is Peter Pan always flying","He neverlands" +"I recently took up meditation","It's better than sitting around and doing nothing" +"I confessed to my family today that I used to be addicted to","the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around" +"The carrot died from asphyxiation","It got artichoked to death" +"I just got dadjoked by my professor We were talking about Amazon and Google, and how they don't just have computers and I mentioned that I always thought datacenters looked cool He said, Well yes. They have air conditioners","Without air conditioners, data centers are not very cool" +"My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating. ” So I took her to dinner and a movie","Then dropped her off at her parents’ house" +"What's Wednesday called when it's not raining","Dry hump-day" +"What does Copernicus and the parent of teenagers have in common","They both dedicated their life to convincing people the universe doesn’t revolve around them" +"What do pickles and an open door have in common","A jar" +"When is an Apple Watch not an Apple Watch","when it's paired" +"At dinner with my girlfriend's parents when she starts asking about religion Her: I just dont know what I believe, I feel like an atheist but I dont know if I believe in a higher power Her dad: well do you believe in karma. Her: no Her dad: well is dogma important to you","Her: not really Her dad: good, because I just ran over your dog-ma with my kar-ma" +"A dad joke that may be better suited for r/imgoingtohellforthis. After my wife saw something on the news about the. British aid worker beheaded by. ISIS. Her: I can't believe people are actually choosing to join this group, look how awful they are","Me: it's a quick way for them to get ahead in life" +"Say what you will about. Donald","Trump but a giant wall is something we can all stand behind." +"If you suck at playing trumpet","That's probably why" +"Did you know a chicken can fly higher than the Chrysler building","because the Chrysler building doesn't fly" +"My son said he wanted Modern Warfare for his birthday","So I told him to try and get on an underground train during rush hour" +"What do you call a fake noodle","An Impasta" +"If I had to be Frank to you guys","I'd have to change my name" +"I saw a beautiful drawing of a fig last week and. I just realised why. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it,","It was a fig meant for my imagination." +"My gf dad joked me while I was cooking I had ended the skype call due to audio problems. Called back & went back to cooking while it rang. I was turned away to cook. Her greeting. You're back. Literally","I'm so proud" +"My Dad Hit Me With This One Today * Dad - What did you do today. * Me - Not a lot. Just went to the gym and did some laundry. * Dad - That's a weird place to do your laundry","I have to be more careful with my phrasing when speaking with my dad" +"Just say yes or no. Jeez Me: Dad, I made chili. Would you like some. Dad: Some what. Me: Chili Dad: Not really, I'm wearing a sweater.","God damnit" +"What do cows do on December 31st","Celebrate Moo Years Eve of course" +"Can't believe I've been blocked by Gary Barlow","Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it" +"If someone never misses a day of church","Would you say they go religiously?" +"What do you call a fly with no wings","A walk" +"What kind of cat works at Kinko’s","A Copy Cat" +"Guess who I bumped into at the opticians today","Everyone" +"Where are truths made","In the factory" +"Why shouldn't you sit on deaths couch","Because of the reaper cushions" +"My boss laid this on me today. Him: I just knocked out two birds with one stone, that's why. I'm in management . Me: 'That's why they pay you the big bucks'","Him: No they're just regular dollars" +"I have a simple standard for dadjoke quality: the joke should not simply be a lame, obvious pun that anyone could think of. So I checked to see if this sub's top ten jokes met this standard","But no pun in ten did" +"My ex wife still misses me","But her aim is starting to improve" +"What do you call a cow that can't give milk","An udder failure" +"I heard Tiger Woods got a DUI","He should have picked a different driver" +"Why are pets afraid of Trump","He's always talking about extreme vetting" +"My wife said she got a job at the hospital, but recently she let slip she's working in labor and delivery. do you think she's cheating on me","How should I confront her about this" +"What did the horse say when it fell off a flight of stairs","“I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up”" +"Old man at Subway explained to me why mermaids wear sea shells on their chest I was in line at Subway and this older man was in front of me. He looked back and said, Do you know why mermaids wear sea shells on their chests. Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big","I gave him a chuckle and a That's a good one" +"My wife gets upset at me for hiding kitchen utensils","But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take" +"What do you call a group of deaf people","A heard" +"Why should you never fight a dinosaur","You’ll get jurasskicked" +"What does my dad and a random stranger have in common","Everything :(" +"the other day, my friend says, “what rhymes with orange","” I said, “no, it doesn’t" +"My doctor told me. I'm colour blind","It totally came out the purple...." +"Studies say it’s hard to breathe fast while your tongue is out","Good dog" +"What do you call it when the Italian mafia bribes the judges of the Tony awards so they can control who wins","Rigatoni" +"My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk","” That’s not a good sign" +"What crime were the gaggle of crows in jail for","Murder" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When its fully groan" +"It was hard getting over my addiction to the hokey pokey","But I've turned myself around" +"Never date a tennis player","Love means nothing to them" +"Just heard the latest on Tiger's condition","He's not out of the Woods yet" +"How do you sell a deaf guy a boat","DO YOU WANT TO BUY A BOAT" +"What do you call a potato with a penis","A dicktator" +"What's the combination of Finland and France. Finance I work in a retail store with credit card financing signs all over the place","It was slow and boring, so I fixated on said word" +"Why did the man refuse to jump out the window","He didn't want to go through any pane" +"Dad spilled this smooth one at the dinner table So this was a couple days ago. It was my dad, my mom, and me at the dinner table talking about the stock market. My dad pulls around to how he owns some shares of the MJNA stock (medical marijuana) and how pumped he is that has been going up. All of a sudden, his face brightens and he exclaims it's at an all time high","Well played dad, well played" +"After several dad jokes, my friend said one day you will be king of dad jokes . My response: I think you mean two day","The cringe was real" +"Me: The city has high school taxes","Dad: What about the elementary schools" +"Leaves. I was swimming with my husband today and he was getting frustrated because leaves kept blowing in the pool. Him What tree is this coming from. Me I don't know, it's a mystree Him . I'm going to be a great dad",":D" +"I have the eye of a tiger and the heart of a lion","And a lifetime ban from the zoo" +"What did the seal with the broken arm say to the shark","“Do not consume if seal is broken”" +"How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning","He was a good conductor" +"I had a. Wookie burger at a. Star. Wars cafe. It was a bit","Chewie" +"I got invited to the shooting range the other day. I had to decline","Sadly, I don’t have the caliber to go" +"My Dad just said this one in the drive-thru not 2 minutes ago First Window staffer, who takes the payment: Hi, it's $7","30 (said like 'seven-thirty') My Father: No it's not, it's only 1 o' clock" +"Got dad joked over a christmas gift Other day my dad is sitting on the couch, I asked him if I could get a candle for christmas","He then responded with yeah I think I candool that for you" +"My son asked me what procrastination was","I told him I would explain it later" +"I took my Doberman Pinscher to obedience classes to address his aggression issues","He's now a Doberman Tickler" +"What birds are always out of breath","Puffins" +"What do you call a person who doesn’t have a body or nose","No body nose" +"I made a belt out of the old watches I found in my attic","It was a waist of time" +"How I know I've been on r/dadjokes too much My dad goes to me do you know why a nose can't grow longer than 12 inches I reply, then it would be a foot","He then stormed out of the room annoyed that I had ruined his joke" +"My son hates me. Son: Hey dad do you know what. Me: Why yes, Dr Watt, Dr James Watt, He invented the lightbulb, as a matter of fact it was a 60 watt","Son: Groans and walks away I have been doing this for years I don't know where I got it from" +"After the. US election. I am thinking of moving my family to. Switzerland","If nothing else, their flag is a big plus!" +"And with this gem I joined your ranks. My 4 year old daughter walked up to me and said I'm thirsty","Without a second thought I replied Hi Thirsty, I'm daddy" +"I got fired from my job at the bank today","An old lady came in asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over" +"I just read a book about the life of von Bismarck","It’s an Otto biography" +"I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce","It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork" +"Why did the shark cross the barrier reef","To get to the other tide" +"How do you get a baby alien to fall asleep","You rocket" +"Why do dyslexic zombies eat","BRIANS" +"I bought a. Wooden. Whistle. But it wooden whistle. So. I. Bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So. I. Bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle. So. I. Bought a copper whistle. But the copper steel wooden lead me whistle. So. I bought a tin whistle. Now","I can whistle" +"Dadjoked by my 7-year-old son While sailing in the Caribbean this week, were were deep into a discussion about true wind and apparent wind. True wind is the vector (speed and direction) that the wind is actually blowing. Apparent wind is the resultant vector of adding true wind and the velocity of the boat",">So what is the kid wind" +"I got dishonourably discharged from the Navy yesterday for accidentally boarding a different vessel","Oops, wrong sub" +"The fire in Paris is not a joke","Notre-Dame joke" +"I recently discovered something about myself. I don't like change","I rarely carry cash on me" +"Last night. I had a dream. I was a car muffler","It was exhausting" +"Dad joke escalation Dad was visiting last week, talking about his household projects he did. He mentioned that he got his septic tank emptied before winter, and that 'it was a shitty job'. He then tells me that his neighbor also had to get his tank emptied, so the service truck also emptied the neighbor's tank at the same time. He smiles and says, Well, my neighbor and I finally got our shit together. He said he was very proud of himself for making an original pun like that","I patted him on the shoulder, looked him in the eye and said, I can always appreciate an organic pun" +"What have you got there son","Son: soy milk Dad: hola milk, soy tu padre" +"Dad cooking for us and used this monstrosity Me- Hey dad how long is dinner gonna be","Dad- oh I dunno, about a few inches wide" +"Btw Daughter: Dad by the way. Dad: What. Which way. This was a conversation I actually witnessed","Never face-palmed harder" +"If Trump wrote a song, what would he name it","The Whistleblower's Daughter" +"What animal makes the most pleasant sound. The cow","It's moosic to my ears" +"Isaac was helping Abraham to build a gaming PC. They found all the parts that they needed on online, and we're ready to order. Right before Abraham hit the Checkout button, Isaac reviewed the contents of the order: Isaac: Dad, you're missing the memory","Abraham: God will provide the RAM" +"Half-naked women get thousands of up votes; how many for our boys in blue. Someone had to do it: http://imgur","com/a/N0Zah" +"I saved my password as incorrect. Every time","I get it wrong the screen tells me what my password is." +"How did the bear build his house","With his bear hands" +"My friend is addicted to felling trees","He says the more he tries to cut down, the worse it gets" +"Glad my uncle can see the humor My uncle was a bad car accident and unfortunately lost part of his foot. Today we were on Skype with him: Mom: Did they remove all of your toes. Uncle: Yup, I had a second surgery yesterday and they took the last one. Mom: Oh no, what did they do with it. Uncle: Probably called a toe-truck","I found it hillarious, my mom not so much" +"A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and asks the barman","“Can I have a drink for me and one for the road”" +"The moment my computer was 100% charged, all my files became completely unreadable","Absolute power corrupts absolutely" +"If you are sad, that you didn't get to use 2020 properly, fear not","Because in two years we will have 2022" +"My dad likes to help cut up all of our cardboard boxes in the garage, and compactly pack them for recycling. I joked with him about how the boxes are piling up and I need him to cut them up. He lives overseas so he said that if I buy his plane ticket, he'll come and do the work. I told him that my gardener Ebodio will cut the boxes if I ask him to, and much less money. To make my dad feel better, I (half-jokingly) say that Ebodio's technique is not as good and he will be slower, but he'll be a whole lot cheaper","My dad's response: I feel like I am being undercut" +"A friend of mine once told me that the best superpower would be the ability to detect the presence of Indian bread","I said “That’s naan-sense" +"My dad has Andrew Luck as his Fantasy Football Quaterback It's been 14 weeks of luck puns, typically along the lines of I can't lose. I've got Luck on my side. Or Guess my team is just Luck-ier than yours","He laughs every time" +"Dad joke follow up My son likes to say you've got issues whenever I tell a dad joke, so today I was ready. I pulled the classic a skeleton walks into a bar and says gimme a beer and a mop. Of course, he replied with dad. you've got issues","at which point I pulled out the comic book I had waiting and proclaimed OF SUPERMAN" +"I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop Jump in, I'll give you a lift home I said. Fuck off he shouted back","What an ungrateful little cunt I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk" +"Walked into the office only to see my printer flying around my monitor","It's a deskjet" +"Was out driving. Hit a streetlamp","Only had light damage" +"Where does a Canadian go after a water chugging contest","To the top of the litreboards" +"You know what they say about cheese making","Coulda Woulda Gouda" +"What do you call a boat full of polite football players","A good sportsman ship" +"Three Dad Jokes on the way to school this morning. So, we're driving up a tree-lined street where people often have wedding/family photos taken. It's lined with live oaks and is pretty beautiful. That prompted this conversation. 12 y/o daughter: Why do people sometimes get their wedding photos taken on train tracks. That doesn't make sense. Me: Because they choo-choose to. [with a debt to Ralphie Wiggam] 6 y/o daughter (Loud groan): Papi, that's a terrible joke. Me: So you think you could engineer a better one if I train you. 12 y/o: Dad why do you always make these awful jokes. Me: Because I've got *loco* motives","At that point I started laughing so hard I couldn't come up with anymore" +"I ate so much humus that","I now falafel" +"I named my foot. Trouble. Because","Trouble's a foot" +"Why did the scarecrow win an award","**Because he was outstanding in his field" +"Most Mosquito jokes aren't funny","But some are Malarious" +"I lost my notes I was writing for my book called 1,001 ways to cure an itch","Guess I'll have to start from scratch" +"What does a cat writes on","A piece of pa-purr" +"I froze to absolute zero But apparently I've got some sorta power that makes me resistent to it. So people kept asking: how are you, how do you feel","I constantly said: relax, I am 0k" +"Our pet mouse Elvis died today","It was caught in a trap" +"A chemist froze himself at -273°C","People asked him if he was hurt but he said he was 0K" +"When I was 12, I was disqualified from a track meet for too many false starts. To cheer me up, my Dad. took me to Dairy Queen. As he handed me my medium Skor Blizzard he said, Here you go, a DQ you can feel good about","I laughed and felt better" +"My farts don’t smell","They don’t have noses." +"This morning, grandpa walked into my room with a young bearded guy wearing skinny jeans. I asked, “Who is this guy","” Grandpa: My hip replacement" +"My friend received some land to build on","He said, Thanks, a lot" +"I wrote a paper on. Socialism the instructor gave it low. Marx, but. I'm honestly not sure what other. Engels","I could've taken" +"What is a zombie's least favourite cereal","Life" +"I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure","Then I said 'im definite" +"What do you call a woman who works in a sunbed salon","Tanya" +"Why are cyborg gynecologist sexist","Because they treat women-like objects" +"A Knock knock joke. As a dad I use this on kids all the time. And it always makes me laugh. Dad: I know a good knock knock joke but you have to start it. Mark: Ok. Knock knock Dad: Who is there. Mark: stands their stupid","Dad: Bwaa hahahaha" +"My grandfather came in, complaining about his diarrhea. He kept repeating, “Sh. Sh","” Took us a while to realize that he lost “it”" +"Proud Dad I have recently been using hi hungry, I'm dad with my five year old when she says I'm hungry","Last night at dinner after announcing she was full I hear her say Hi full, I'm dad" +"Why won't swords go obsolete","They are cutting edge technology" +"What do you call a German Pilot’s Breakfast","A LuftWaffle" +"What did the dinosaur eat when the dentist fixed his tooth","**The dentist" +"Got an eye roll from my wife for this one How can you tell if a fuel tanker is bad","It's all full" +"Why did they keep the cheese behind glass at the Mexican restaurant","In queso emergency" +"So the other night I made a belt out of watches","But it turned out to be a waist of time" +"Overheard a dad joke Person: Oh, you got a hair cut","A Dad: I actually got all of my hairs cut" +"Under pressure At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure","I said I don't know that one but I can have a crack at Bohemian Rhapsody" +"I think my newly wed co-worker is practicing for the future. (Me and co-worker discussing him moving into my apartment complex this weekend) Me: Well are you sure you can mount a TV on it. One of the largest walls in my living room is poured in place concrete. Can't hang anything on it. Him: Yea i checked its a stud wall. I just need to go out and get a stud finder. Me: Just come over and borrow mine if you'd like. Him: Actually I should probably just use [my wife], she's pretty good at finding studs","queue: groans from myself and all surrounding co-workers" +"my wife's long con Not exactly a *dad*joke, but she learned from the best. So, it was last sunday and we did a family trip to the zoo with the whole family. Now our kids are 3 1/2 and 1/2 and we named them after strong animals, think Leoni (the Lioness) and Falc (the Falcon), not exactly those names, but you get the gist. We decided about our daughter's name about *4 years* ago. While we were standing at the entrance queue, my wife gently stroked our daughter's hair, lifted up our son, placing a kiss on his forehead, looked at me smiling and said: I have been waiting for this so long. Uhm, to stand in line at the zoo. No, honey, to . take *our* zoo to *the* zoo","\*groan\*" +"They said a killer was on the loose in the mall","I went to hide in the watch store to buy me some time" +"How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch","Tea, Rex" +"Tornadoes My eight hear old son, James, says, tornadoes are so powerful they can throw everything. I said, that is not true. He says, they can literally throw anything, *dad*. So I say, well, have you ever seen a tornado throw a tantrum","He slapped his forehead and shook his head" +"5 ways to power an appliance","Caution: #3 will shock you" +"To the guy who stole my antidepressants","I hope you're happy now" +"Why did the balloon go near the needle","He wanted to be a pop star" +"How many apples grow on a tree","All of them" +"I was thrown out of the club today for wearing adult diapers while getting my groove on","I guess they don't celebrate In Depends Dance Day" +"I asked my wife for an audiobook and she got me an encyclopedia","That speaks volumes" +"To the jerk who stole my anti-depressants today","I hope you're happy" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school","It's ok, he woke up" +"Before you enter the bathroom your American. And when you leave the bathroom your still American. What are you when you are in the bathroom","European" +"Somebody stole my memory foam mattress…. I reported it to the police but they arrested me for losing my","Tempur!" +"I've just written a book on how to fall down a staircase","**It's a step by step guide" +"What do you call a bee that lives in America","A USB" +"Wife was complaining that she needed a new bra, the underwire was poking through. Wife: I hate these underwires. I think I want to get a wire-less one next Me: I can stop by Radioshack on my way home to pick you up one Wife: What. Me: Well I'm sure Victorias Secret doesn't carry WiFi bras","Wife: Heavy sigh" +"Boomerangs My brother came up the stairs and asked if I'd seen his boomerang, to which I replied, Isn't it supposed to come back to you","My Dad kicked me out of the house for it" +"Whoever invented knock knock jokes","Should get a no bell prize" +"What did the head say to the hair. You're dead to me","This is the first joke I ever came up with, it's 100% original :)" +"What did the ocean say to thank the river","I appreciate the sediment" +"I am terrified of negative numbers","I'll stop at nothing to avoid them" +"Where would you find flying rabbits","In the hare-force" +"I read an article that said Steve Harvey keeps arguing with his wife and kids","It's a Family Feud" +"Highway joke I was half asleep in the passenger seat of my Dad's car while one a road trip. Suddenly my dad wakes me up. Dad: Heeeeey. Me: What. What","Dad: *points out window at a field of hay bales* I laughed way too hard at that" +"A man walks into a bar. and says ouch","Where'd that bar come from" +"Whats the most dangerous season for elderly people","Fall" +"I bought a thesaurus, and I took it home, but all the pages were empty","I have **no** **words** to describe how angry I am" +"Daddy, is the world crazy","I don't know son, but I do know it is bipolar" +"Suggestion box I've asked my dad for a couple of changes around the house lately. After I mentioned something else today, I remarked that our family could use a suggestion box, but then said that I realized it would quickly be full of requests for La-Z-Boy recliners. Dad replies: But we've already got our own full-sized lazy boy","and of course starts laughing as if he were the funniest dad ever" +"Co- worker : I was going to wear that shirt today. Me: I'm glad you didn't. Finding you in my closet would have been creepy","Other co-worker about dies laughing" +"In 1935, an American went out on a quest to discover the Loch Ness monsters. He found that according to legend, there were at least 10 in existence. Instead of trying Scotland, he believed the US might have these lake monsters. In which state did he begin his quest","Tennessee" +"My father got me whilst looking for new bikes. Dad: Do you like the 'Batavus 2016 Monaco'. Me: Yes, it's very nice","Dad: No, Monaco" +"It’s never a good idea to run behind a car","You’ll get exhausted." +"My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess","we are raised differently" +"Did you all hear about the newly discovered Dinosaur that ate everything in it's path","The Omnomnomivor" +"I’m the chocolate magician","I’ve got a few twix up my sleeve" +"Drove past a farm today Mom: Where are all the cows. Don't they have to go out to eat. Dad: Go out to eat","Too expensive, they stay inside and cook" +"What did the man say when he accidentally dropped something into the sewer","Rats" +"I heard /r/dadjokes really liked puns, so I posted 10 thinking at least one would make the front page","No pun in ten did" +"Any of you guys want to buy a used vacuum cleaner","Mine is gathering dust" +"I was on the cusp of writing a novel","But then the pencil broke and it seemed dull." +"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but","I was trippin’ all day" +"What do you call someone with a very colorful personality","A hue-man" +"My buddy works in an animal hospital in Hanoi","I dont think it’s right that he calls himself a Vietnam vet" +"what is the best way to fight capitalism","by using only lowercase letters" +"How do you make a TV remote","Put it in a quiet room" +"Dad Joke About Euthanasia. So a co-worker of mine brought up the topic of euthanasia and what we thought about it and here's how the conversation went: Co-worker: So what do you think about euthanasia especially involving really young kids. Me: I mean, I think it's awful, they get paid like 5 cents a day, the working conditions are deplorable, it really keeps me up at night. *after a few confused looks by everyone my co-worker replies:* Co-worker: What the fuck are you talking about. Me: I thought you wanted to know what I thought about the youth in Asia. The groans were so rewarding","E: formatting" +"You know who's breathtaking","Death" +"whats chef Gordan Ramsey's favourite subreddit","its fuckin r/awww" +"Roses are red, that much is true, violets are purple","Not fucking blue" +"What do you call a quiet sheep. A shhhhhhh-eep","You thought I was going to say sheepish, didn’t you" +"We all know the show was called. Spongebob. Squarepants. But the star was","Patrick" +"Had a string of great dad jokes in the bar the other night. Quick backstory: there is a bar in my town that all new alumni of the town's university sign upon graduation. My friends and I were in their celebrating a 21st birthday on Saturday and I just graduated. The bar is a restaurant in the daytime and they have great sundaes. My friend asked the bartender for a sharpie so I could sign the ceiling. The bartender didn't have one and this was our exchange: Me: Ah let's come in tomorrow and get sundaes and I'll sign the ceiling. Friend: Sounds good to me. Me: It could be a sundate. Friend: Really. Me: Convenient on Sunday. Friend: Jokes on you it's going to be really cloudy. Me: So then it's just clou-day. Friend: Get out","(Turns back to me while cringing)" +"My daughter said, You're an overprotective father","How is that true, I replied, when you have seven siblings" +"Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party","It’s not cool until he arrives" +"I never used to like dad jokes","but over the years they’ve *groan* on me" +"After jumpstarting my friend's car, I told him there'd be no extra charge","After jumpstarting my friend's car, I removed the cables and said there'd be no extra charge" +"Every time. I post on r/dadjokes, someone comments with a better version of my joke. I guess","I suffer from premature ejokeulation" +"What is the scariest grass","Bam-boo" +"What's big,white and can't climb a tree","A fridge" +"I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago","I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since" +"Which President had the shortest term. Grover Cleveland","He was the twenty second President" +"Conversation with my gf. She didnt appreciate it, thought you guys might. Her: I needed to move to our new team's area and the seat next to Ben was the only seat open","I didn't want to ask Richard to move, cause that's weird Me: Yea that would be a dick move" +"During a Jeep commercial. They were talking about our 16th president. Dad looks at me and said do you think Abe Lincoln would have driven a jeep. I look at him puzzled","then he says I think he would have driven a Lincoln" +"Dove chocolates","Taste way better than their soap" +"Dadjoked by the 6-year-old My wife and I were talking about some local company that services all of the South, except, we noticed, Mississippi. Wife: they probably wouldn't make enough money in Mississippi anyway. Me: hell, no one makes money in Mississippi (heehee Mississippi jokes) Son: that's because it all goes to the Missus.","Son, you've made me proud today" +"Did you hear about the new town Engagement Ohio","It’s going right in between Dayton and Marion" +"What do you call a rapper that makes lots of perfumes","50 scents" +"My 15 year old sent a text asking me to pick him up from school and added not in your pyjamas","So I'm wearing his, because good dads listen" +"What did the banana say to the doctor","Doc, I am not peeling well" +"Got dad joked while working on history. I was working on history homework in my room and my dad asked what I was studying. I told him that I was studying The Russian Revolution. He told me, the Russian revolution was a bunch of Bolshevik","I thought it was hilarious" +"Why are there only 25 letters in the alphabet during christmas","Because there is Noel" +"I don't trust staircases any more","They're always up to something" +"So I went to the Doughnut Shop and bought a dozen orders of a dozen doughnuts","It was totally gross" +"A Father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new purse for her birthday","She replied “Thanks for the Baghdad”" +"My 4 year old's first dad joke. Me: Son can you name me 5 countries. Son: Ok. Hi five countries","Delivery was flawless" +"Pho people. My girlfriend, little girl, brother and I were all deciding what to eat for dinner. There is a new Pho place in town, and we have never been there. Me: We should have Pho. Do yall want to try some noodles. Girlfriend: No, I don't think I'm a pho person. Although. if we all went, we'd be PHO people. AHHHH","I gotta marry this one" +"The person who created velcro has died","RIP" +"The other day my friend told me his wife has driven him to drink","He’s the lucky one, mine still makes me walk." +"Did I ever tell you about the time I ate deer guts. Don't recommend it","It tasted offal" +"My cat loves the. Ctrl+C function on my keyboard","She's a copycat" +"What do you call poultry that knows algebra","A mathemachicken" +"What do you call a fish without eyes","A fsh" +"Dad joked by my kids pre-k teacher My son and I do a cooperative pre-k. There's a class of 8 kids and two parents rotate every 4 weeks to help. Yesterday was my day. We're doing a craft with glue and my son got some glue on my shirt","> Pre-K teacher: Oh look, nyran20 and his son are *bonding*" +"Did you hear the NBA is opening another franchise in Miami. It’s not the Heat","it’s the Humidity" +"I’m thinking of starting a. Tinder for chickens","It probably won’t earn much, but at least it’ll make hens meet." +"Pirate jokes When we were younger we had to walk the plank","My parents were too poor to afford a dog" +"I was fired from the watch making factory today. They didn't appreciate those extra hours I put in","Jokes on them, now I have all this extra time on my hands" +"Bye Dad","Me: Bye dad Dad: Dad is not for sale" +"My mate set me up on a blind date and he said, I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby","I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a nappy" +"What do you call a Jamaican proctologist","Pokemon" +"Did you hear about the guy who traveled 500 years into the future","He is way ahead of his time" +"Did you hear about the new vegan parallel lines","They never meat" +"My wife is looking at ceiling fans, one of the criteria is not fancy I said, what about fan a or fan b","I got a epic eye roll, worth it" +"My friend said he's addicted to punching elderly fish. I said that's","a load of old codswallop" +"I guess you could say that a wealthy locksmith","has the key to success" +"So, why did 7 eat 9","Because you’re supposed to eat 3 square meals a day" +"What did the kid from the sixth sense say, when he saw the Titanic sink","Icey Dead People" +"What killed the dinosaurs","A reptile dysfunction" +"What type of storm is always in a rush","A HURRY-cane" +"You know why English majors shouldn't smoke","They suffer from a diction" +"If ceramics had a favorite sport, what would it be","Bowling" +"Thor seemed pretty mad at thanos at the end of infinity war","I guess you could say he snapped" +"What do you call a man with a rubber toe","Roberto" +"This morning, my wife asked if I wanted her to throw out my can of sparkling water that had been on the counter all night. I replied, No I'll drink it","It's *still* water" +"In case your bicycle stops pedalling all of a sudden there's a simple reason for it","It's too tired" +"Why do the call it almond milk","Nobody can say nut juice with a straight face" +"I've got a really good joke about deja vu Wait","Have I told you this one before" +"A vampire goes to his dentist","The dentist asks the vampire what's wrong, and the vampire replied, My teeth suck." +"How do you make an octopus laugh","You give it ten tickles 🐙" +"What’s another name for a pro angler","A master baiter" +"I invented a though controlled air freshener","It makes scents when you think about it" +"What do you call a cat that breaks the rules","A cheetah" +"Had a leak in the roof last week. Me: I can do it. Wife: We need a professional. Me: But those roofers are always working some kind of angle, the work is protracted, and the cost is steep. Wife: Don't be obtuse","She won" +"I seen a guy fishing today with a broken arm","I yelled to him nice cast" +"Who is a penguins favorite family member","Aunt Artica" +"I try to avoid waterslides. I do my best to stay way from waterslides","I know they're supposedly safe, but it's a slippery slope" +"My 6 year old got me at dinner Me (talking about work): “I just want to get ahead. ” Her: “Dad, you already have a head","” Brings tears to my eyes" +"What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg","You put her in a broadcast" +"My father just texted me this: What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison","A small medium at large :) I'm in my 30s and I still love these" +"Came into the kitchen in the morning on a very rainy day Dad: I'm sick of this chicken weather. Me:*blank/confused look on my face*. w-what. Dad: It's absolutely fowl","Me: *leaves room*" +"I burnt my Hawaiian pizza in the oven last night","I should have cooked it on _aloha temperature_" +"My dad at the Hockey Hall of Fame. Me: I want to try on the Team Russia jersey. Dad: Go ahead. Me: Help me bring them down so I can try the different sizes. Dad: Why can't you do it yourself. Me: Just help me so I can check","Dad: You said you wanted Russian not Czech" +"You must be butter","Cus you're on a roll." +"The. Turkish alphabet has a strange letter: ı","If you ask me, that's pointless." +"George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman","He even used the name when he had a little grill" +"Why did the computer crash","It was a hard drive" +"Reviewing for a final Today my comp sci teacher was going over topics that would be on our final and said: Is everyone comfortable with arrays. Do you want arrays. I want arrays","Took everyone a second to catch on but there were some stifled chuckles" +"My doctor loves hitting my knee to test my reflexes","He really gets a kick out of it" +"If you're struggling to think of what to get someone for. Christmas (or any other special occasion)","Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it" +"Fondue I was over at a friend's house for dinner last night and his daughter was asking about the dessert. Daughter: Is the fondue ready","Dad: No, it's not ready yet, it's still a fon don't" +"At the grocery store, and the lady at the register asks my dad if he'd like his milk in a bag Dad doesn't miss a beat and replies, no, just leave it in the jug","I almost died" +"I don't know much about a cow giving birth to twins","but I hear it's revealing" +"My daughter's calculator didn't function anymore","I told her to press F(x) to pay respect" +"What's got four legs and an arm","A contented Rottweiler" +"How do celebrities stay cool","They have many fans" +"So my dad just emailed me this","If you have a pizza with radius 'z' & height 'a', its volume is pi\*z\*z\*a" +"If I swallow some magnets. Will I become attractive","(Not my joke, saw it as a youtube comment)" +"I'll never understand how people have a hard time sleeping","It's so easy I could do it with both eyes closed" +"My brother took away the top of a fishing pole my son was waving around","I reminded him that to spare the rod was to spoil the child" +"This one slipped out of me, she hasn't dumped me yet though. Her: I have to get home for a party. Bob's 50. It's a surprise","Me: No, I'm pretty sure he knows how old he is" +"I was offered meatloaf for lunch today","I said I'd eat anything for lunch, but I won't eat that" +"What do you call a painting of Cleopatra. A Cleoportrait","(Reposted because I got autocorrected in the title last time I tried" +"An untimely classic Dad: Hey look at that clock over there. That's one nice clock. Me: Ya, I guess. *10 seconds later* Dad: Hey remember when we were talking about clocks earlier","Good times" +"My daughter got scared when she had her first period","I told her it was an ovary action." +"I'm the dad of my friendship group. We were talking about what we wanted to do as youngsters when we got older. My friend: When I was younger, I wanted to be a gun. Me: Well apparently it's not a very stable job being a gun. A lot of people get fired","The groans were incredible" +"Today someone knocked on the door and asked for a small donation for the local public swimming pool","I gave him a glass of water" +"What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese","She grated it" +"What's the difference between the bird flu and swine flu","One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment" +"My friend is adamant that I give electronic dance music a chance","He wouldn’t techno for an answer" +"If a cop arrests a mentally insane person, they bust a nut","Edit: Thanks for the great response" +"My thoughts on air conditioning","not a fan" +"Step 1. Connect with a divine being. Step 2. Allow them to speak through you. Step 3","Prophet" +"I’m currently on a road trip with my girlfriend and saw a truck full of donkeys","It was really hauling ass" +"I spilled milk on my grandma's rug","It was a pour decision" +"Waiting in line at Disneyland A few years back the wife and I were waiting in line for a ride at Disneyland, and we were stopped next to a cast member door. One cast member was leaving for their break and asked if they could cross, and we kindly backed up a little for her. As she opened the door another cast member was coming out, who also crossed in front of us","I immediately turned to my wife and exclaimed We've been double crossed" +"I had a joke about paper. But it's recycled","I guess y'all were expecting tearable huh" +"I received a letter with no address on today, who was it intended for","It was a Mister E" +"What do you call a lady who works on a fishing trawler","Annette" +"A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back. What are you supposed to be, then. the host asks. I'm a turtle, How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back. Oh her. He smiles","That's Michelle" +"What do you call a cheap circumcision","a rip-off" +"What do you call a country that only has red cars","A red carnation" +"At work they call me the Big Cheese","I’m pretty Gouda my job" +"The police just arrested the. Energizer. Bunny","He was charged with battery." +"My coworker found out her blood type Coworker: I'm B positive. be positive, get it","Me: I'd laugh, but I'm A negative person" +"Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon","The food is great, but there’s just no atmosphere" +"I wanted to sue. Apple after my phone broke when. I dropped it. But unfortunately","I didn't have a case." +"Dirty words My daughter was asking her mother how to spell words. Daughter: Mom. How do you spell butt. Mother: Honey, we don't write dirty words. Daughter: What about mud","I'm proud of her" +"My dad got me with a pun We're remodeling the kitchen and my dad was putting the shelves in the cupboards. He came up to me with one of the shelves (which was made of wood) Dad: Feel this piece of wood right here","Me: *Feels it* Dad: You feeling bored today" +"I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went","And then it dawned on me" +"Did you hear about the lady who backed into an airplane propeller","Disaster" +"My dad showed me his new Mount Everest replica today I said Wow. To scale","He said No, just to look at" +"A dog used lived in a clay-brick house but was evicted for not paying his mortgage","A Dobie's adobe abode owed dough" +"I used to tell. Spanish jokes. But","Nada single person understood them" +"Why is Six Afraid of Seven","Because Seven was put on the Six Offender List" +"What did one Italian say to the other before they got in a fistfight","You want a pizza me" +"Go easy on the spicy Chinese food","it'll practically Szechuan on fire" +"Today. I was sitting in chemistry class and. I realized","I was surrounded my protons, neutrons, and morons." +"A compass, a cough drop, and a match. As a Boy Scout, we would camp a lot and go on hikes. One night, we had to do a night hike, alone, for a merit badge. I had left the campsite about an hour earlier and a terrible storm rolled in. The sky opened up and the ground was quickly saturated. I tried to continue my hike for another few minutes, but it got cold and I was chilled and soaked to the bone, so I decided to try to head back to camp. Lightning was starting to crackle above me, so I thought I should try to take a shortcut to make my hike back quicker. I pulled out my compass and found my direction, but the rain made it impossible to see more than five feet in front of me. I was looking down at my compass, not paying any attention to where I was going, and suddenly felt weightless. The feeling didn't last long as I thumped down on slippery earth a second later. I had fallen onto a ledge on the side of a rather steep cliff, the bottom of which was at least fifty feet down. I sat there, contemplating on how to get back up this cliff as water rolled over the edge ten feet above me. There was nothing to grab onto to pull myself up. I was stuck there. After a few minutes, I noticed the little ledge I was standing on was slowly getting smaller. The water was coming down so hard it was eroding the tiny bit of safety I had. I dug through my pockets, thinking maybe I had something, anything, to help me out of my precarious situation. All I had was my compass, a cough drop, and a match. I was screwed. So, I sat there, watching the edge of the ledge I was on get closer and closer to my feet, when suddenly I felt something pushing on my back. I turned slightly and saw a wooden box sticking out of the cliff behind me. It was working its way out of the side, the rain surely helping it along. I tried to move away from it, but the ledge wasn't very wide and the box kept coming out, pushing me farther to the weak and failing edge. As more of the box came out, to my horror, I realized it was a coffin. I had no idea how old it was, but it looked rather rotten. All I could think of was being pushed off this ledge, and the rotten coffin breaking and dropping a skeleton onto my broken and battered body at the bottom. The coffin crept closer, my foot began to slip. I grabbed onto a root that was sticking out of the cliffside and dug in my pocket once more. I hurriedly tore the wrapper off the cough drop and stuck it in my mouth. *It stopped the coffin. * This joke has been told to me and every one of my friends who he had captive in his car so many times. It's such a long joke, and the ending is just so terrible. The groans were immense, but the chuckles from my dad afterwards always made it worth listening to again and again","" +"How do you find the hoe in the Miss America pageant","Shes labeled Idaho Dad just told me this in a Skype call" +"A dry erase board","That's remarkable" +"How did the scarecrow win a award","Because he was outstanding in his field" +"My ex-wife still misses me","But her aim is starting to improve" +"What kind of car has the most swag","A VolkSWAGen" +"I'm a shooting coach for marines. I was explaining to them how to make a wind call depending on the wind direction. A marine asked what's it called when the wind is blowing straight down","I paused for half a second and said gravity" +"Went to the boundary waters for canoeing recently While there, I picked up my phone and said Hello, Yeah this is him. On my way. Looked over at my friends and said, oh don't worry, that was just nature calling and headed towards the bathroom. I could hear groans behind me. Yeah","They almost left me there" +"Is leather gullible","You know, because it can be suede" +"Didn't even think he was listening. My stepmom was explaining the difference between lay and lie to me, when I said, So its lay if you do it to an object, it's lie if you do it to yourself","Dad: No, that's called masturbation" +"All my friends are Dads http://i. imgur. com/vtNufZL","jpg" +"It’s probably not safe for me to be driving this car right now","But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before" +"What did the farmer say when he saw his dog shit in the well","Well shit" +"What happens when you combine a","Dad joke with a rhetorical question? ..." +"How does the Italian mafia carry out a suicide bombing","They rig a Tony" +"Did you hear about the streaker in the church","They caught him by the organ" +"Ahoy. No, wait","TWO HOYS" +"What do you call a waving pepper","A Hola-peno" +"Dad: [grabs chest] Quick. Call me an ambulance. Me: You're. an ambulance","Dad: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son [dies]" +"Anyone want a bitcoin. https://i. imgur. com/Gwzwor8. png **EDIT:** Sorry, typo","I meant a bit coin" +"You matter. Until you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared","Then you energy" +"I knew I guy from Hawaii that had a weird laugh","Some describe it as a cackle, but I always thought it was more of a low ha" +"What do you get when you cross LeVar Burton with Sylvester Stallone","Reading Rambo" +"My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me","I can't believe she is so clothes-minded" +"A clairvoyant walks into a bar","'Ouch', she said, 'I didn't see that one coming" +"You wanna hear a potassium joke?","K" +"I'm a Reformed Protestant from Pennsylvania that doesn't eat meat except for fish","You could say I'm a Presbyterian Pennsylanian Pescatarian" +"We Need to Add PR, DC, and Guam as states. 53 is a Prime Number","We then would truly be one nation, indivisible" +"Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order: 456123. In charge of the sequence","Yoda was" +"A man named Giles decided to join a monastic order. Giles was quite sickly and prone to injury, but that did not stop him from studying the scriptures diligently and preparing his mind and body for an ascetic lifestyle. Eventually, he travelled to Rome and got admitted into a monastery, fulfilling his lifelong dream","He now goes by Fra Giles" +"I can see exactly what will happen next year. Because","I have 2020 vision." +"Why is the brain in the head and not the hips","Because a mind is a terrible thing to waist" +"My wife bought me a second hand watch in a sale today Anyway, better get going. The football starts in","1200 seconds" +"I took my kid to two different Star Wars themed birthday parties this past weekend","When my wife asked how they went, I told her it was a Duel of the Fêtes" +"What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino","Elephino" +"How come the Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms","The scientific experiments altered his jeans" +"My grandpa’s joke: I went to order a medium pizza and the pizza guy asked me if I wanted it cut in 8 slices or 10","I said you better make it 8, I don’t think I can eat 10" +"She's never on time but always one step ahead of. Kate. She's","Late." +"You know why Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide","Because it's too cold OUT Tide" +"What's the word for when someone quotes Pink Floyd lyrics accidentally","A Floydian slip" +"I tried catching fog the other day","I mist" +"Since vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don’t just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why there are so many vampires from Europe","Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa" +"Was told the ultimate dad joke today. (I may be over exaggerating a little) I work a cancer hospital and schedule patients for surgery and procedures and stuff. I had this one couple who I knew I would like as soon as they sat down. The first thing the man says to me “you wanna hear a joke. ” Me “ah, of course. a few moments of silence go by. dad “did you hear about that actress. I think she played in miss congeniality. It was Reese something. She committed suicide. ” Totally buying the story I go, “are you serious. Reese Witherspoon. ” And with out a beat he says “No, with a knife. ” And I looked at him for a few seconds to comprehend the joke and then lost it","I know this is probably old but it’s a classic" +"My dad had a major heart surgery and I asked him. Me: How did you sleep last night","Dad: With my eyes closed" +"Iron Man was suspicious that Aquaman invited him to a pool party","He has rust issues" +"I told my first dad joke today. I didn't even mean to make a dad joke, apparently after seven years of being a dad, it just starts to happen. I was installing some shelves up on the walls over my computer desk. Having just finished marking the walls where I was going to insert the screws, I was now installing the brackets onto the boards. From behind me, I heard my wife say, How's it going. Me: Well, it's shellfish. Wife: It's what. Me: Shellfish. I'm still putting the mounting brackets on, so it's not a shelf yet. It's shelf-ish. Shellfish","At least my daughter thought it was funny" +"Today, at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance. So","I pushed her over." +"Why did the dog go to college","To get its pedigree" +"Wives are like grenades","Remove the ring and BOOM your house is gone" +"Never trust someone with graph paper","They're always plotting something" +"Why was the math book so depressed","It had so many problems" +"My dad said he saw a bunny and. I told him it was actually a rabbit","He told me to stop splitting hares" +"My son keeps asking me if will. I ever stop making. Oasis jokes","I said maybe" +"Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants","In case he got a hole in one" +"Why are rabbits so good at brewing","Because beer is made with hops" +"Isn't that illegal. I'm surprised that Switzerland can get away with using people as currency","I'm even more surprised they can find so many people named Frank" +"The worst music albums always cost $19","95 so when you pay, you usually get a nickel back" +"What is the most solitary cheese","Provalone" +"Winter. Break","Schools should really be calling it wintermission." +"What does a blind girl having sex and people discovering the punchline to this joke have in common","They won’t see it coming" +"My five-year-old son trying his hand at a dadjoke. Really needs to work on his setup. Son: Can I have something to drink. Me: Yeah I'll go get you some water","Son: Hello thirsty" +"Homework help becomes dad joke. My daughter asks, Dad, can you give me a sentence with a metaphor in it","I went to the singles club hoping to find a hot chick, but I metaphor" +"My Dad Got My Sister Real Well Over Skype We were doing a three way Skype call between myself in LA, my sister (in college), and the rest of my family in my hometown. Sister: . also, it looks like I'll be studying abroad next summer. Dad: That's nice, what's her name","I'd never heard that one before but I've been laughing at it for a couple hours now" +"I was time traveling yesterday","But I got hungry, so I went back four seconds" +"My wife found out I was cheating on her, after she found all the letters I was hiding","She got so mad and said she's never playing Scrabble with me again" +"Why do bees have sticky hair","Because they use honey combs" +"I was carrying a 9 foot book down the street the other day when a lady asked me what I was doing","I said 'oh it's a long story'" +"Yesterday. I called the suicide hotline, and they didn't pick up","Way to leave me hanging guys" +"I realized today where my sense of humor comes from. My dad was over visiting my girls as they were eating. Daughter: (eating the middle out of a hot dog) Grandpa, does this look like a canoe","Dad: No sweetie, it looks like a canold" +"So yesterday I made what I'm pretty sure qualifies as my first official dad joke. And I'm not even a dad. Me and my gf were walking around the mall and we decided to go to Hot Topic to kill time. Walking around we saw some car fresheners with band logos on them and my gf picks one up and says hmm I wonder what Nirvana smells like. Without hesitation I answer Teen Spirit It was the most perfect joke set up ever and I don't think I'll ever top it. It was my magnum opus","I don't think she appreciated it as much as I did" +"Scientists have discovered a giant naturally occuring windmill. They say it's","Mother nature's biggest fan." +"We all know that Dracula is the #1 vampire and from Transylvania. But where is the #2 vampire from","Pencil-vania" +"What do you call two Corgis that violate the laws of space-time","A pair-of-dogs" +"My mom went full dad mode","So there was a conversation going at the dinner table, and a friend of mom said after such a heavy activity its usual we eat 2 plates each , in which my mom replied in our house we leave plates alone and only eat the food on them" +"My Vietnamese friend wanted two kids. He just found out his wife is having twins","It is a Nguyen Nguyen situation" +"I told my friend that everybody hates it when they visit me at home, but he said he'd have to try it himself","I told him to be my guest" +"So I was talking with a friend. And my Dad was there. My friend was being jokingly mean to me and I said I thought you were better bred. My dad said I thought she was a human, not bread","We both moaned" +"If a fire hydrant has H2O on the inside, what does it have on the outside","K9P" +"Did you hear about the broken arrow","It was pointless" +"How do you call a symphony orchestra","Euphonium" +"Waiting for the printer Waiting for the printer, in the copy room, to finish my job and a couple of others. Some guy walks in and asks, What's the queue look like. Well, it's a bit like an 'O,' but with a little line at the bottom","He more or less turned around on the spot and walked out" +"Waitress asked my Dad, box for that","He said, well, it was good, but I'm not willing to fight you for it" +"Only been a dad for 2 years, but I feel like a natural. (my wife works at a library) The Knights of Columbus had an event at work and gave us all free lunch","That was knights of them" +"How do you find Will Smith during a snow storm","Look for the Fresh Prints" +"Not really told by my dad, but it belongs here. So my fiance's sister actually said this at an amusement park. Her husband: I am pretty sure that someone got their legs chopped off on that ride last year. Her: So could he not ride it anymore. Her husband: Why would you ask that","Her: Since he was two feet too short" +"Is your fridge running","Cause I may vote for it" +"Me and my dog are very close. She understands most of the things I say","I mean she has ruff idea" +"How do you find Will Smith in the snow","Look for the Fresh Prince" +"People think a runny nose is funny","But, it’s not" +"I hated to see those white herons fly off. But","I moved on with no egrets" +"Computer Coffee. I was telling my wife a story about a programmer that was able to run a computer script on a Coffee Machine. It would brew the coffee for the person exactly as they reached the machine, my wife jokingly said, he speaks computer coffee. That is when Dad Joke came in and I said, you could say that he speaks *Java","* She walked outside without saying anything and stared at the yard for a while" +"Why is camping exciting","Because it's in tents" +"I don't think comment sections have much time left","They're hanging by a thread" +"In an evening emergency, what do paramedics arrive in","A PMbulance" +"Apparently I have to release everything I catch when i go fishing today","Because apparently of this thing called throw back Thursday" +"My friend just got hired as a CEO for a garbage bag company","He got a Hefty contract" +"I don't always roll a joint. But when","I do it's usually an ankle" +"Why can't you run through a campsite. You have to *ran*, because it's *past tents*","A favorite with boy/girl scout troops" +"My daughter asked if I am going to die someday. I said, Don't worry sweetheart","I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life" +"Have you met my vegetarian girlfriend","No I've never met herbivore" +"What do you call someone who isn't sure about Santa Claus","Egg-Nog-stic" +"My dad got my brother Brother: Im such a huge fan of The Walking Dead. Dad: Really","You look normal sized to me (cackling commences)" +"Grandpa: Did you see that bug hit the window","Me: Yep Grandpa: Bet he doesn’t have the guts to do that again" +"Where do spaghetti and sauce go to dance","The meat ball" +"Why can't a bike stand on its own","It's too tired" +"Did you hear about the scarecrow that won a Nobel Prize","He was out-standing in his field" +"Dad joke found in an Askreddit thread regarding contracting herpes. Well it started out as herpes. Guess it's ourpes now","Creds to /u/straydog1980 for making my day" +"Hey, did you hear about Apple's next iPhone. Yeah, isn't it going to be the 6S. Yup. Apple is hoping that it will be a huge. 6S",":D" +"Why was the soup preoccupied","He was stewing over something his broth-er said" +"What's an apology written in dots and dashes","Re-morse code" +"What is Mexico's emergency number","Nine Juan Juan - Sent by my dad via text while I was on a business meeting" +"What's Snoop Dogg's favorite holiday. Christmas, of course","He loves a good wrap" +"Excuse me, do you have any pita bread left","Sorry, we have naan" +"When is a door not a door","When it's ajar" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at the local school","He woke up safe and sound" +"My daughter told me in a hoarse voice Dad, I lost my voice","I told her Well why don't you just find it" +"What is the national dish of Venezuela","Caracaserolle" +"A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff","Baa dum hiss" +"Did you know that diarrhoea is hereditary. It runs through your jeans","I know - it’s a shit joke" +"Some of my friends don’t know how to drive a stick shift","It really grinds my gears" +"Got my boyfriend yesterday He's been finding staples all through the house due to his brother working on some project. When he found some yesterday he exclaimed, Why are these all over the house. I replied, I don't know, I guess you could say they're. Household staples","He threatened to leave me" +"I failed my calculus exam in college because I was seated between two identical twins","I couldn’t differentiate between them" +"Now that I'm getting older, I'm not as sharp all the time as I used to be","But since I'm a professional musician, my colleagues all seem to appreciate it" +"Her: Dad do you know what a dad joke is","Me: Of course honey, it's what comes out of a dad egg" +"I was going to go picking crab apples with a friend When we go to our location, we noticed all the apples were rotten","The first thing to come out my mouth was Well, I guess our plan didn't come to fruition" +"I just got a job as a beekeeper","I'm buzzing" +"My roommate hit us with a good one. My roommate, another friend of ours, and myself were hanging out and having casual conversation when the other friend brings up how his hair is getting rather long in the back. Since he plans to keep growing it out over the summer, he just remarked that it was in the awkward stage and figured it'd look better as the front caught up with the back, so to speak","Without missing a beat, my roommate quips yeah, don't worry, just give your hair some time to *mullet* over" +"What do you call a mexican that got his car stolen","Carlos" +"Not trying to show off but the other day. I completed a puzzle in one day","The box said 2-4 years" +"How do you organise a party on Mars","You planet" +"A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says We've got a drink named after you","The grasshopper says: you've got a drink named Eugene" +"At the museum, I turned to the attendant and said, “I suppose this horrible thing is what you call Modern Art, right","” Attendant: Sir, that’s a mirror" +"Daughter's dadjoke in sex ed class. She asked, Do you think they'll ever name a contraceptive, 'Stop Kidding Yourself","' She didn't get in trouble, but the teacher was reportedly unamused" +"The time before existence was pretty boring","But at least it went out with a bang" +"Don't be sad. Because sad backwards is Das","And Das no good" +"Did God create the world by accident","or did he planet" +"How do you monetize cat gifs","Pay-purr-view" +"Mother's Day I was at the diner with my family on Mom's day. My step brother looks around the packed dining room and says, Damn it's crowded in here","to which I reply Yeah, everyone and their mother is here today" +"A photon walks into a library. The librarian looks up and asks, Can","I interest you in some light reading?" +"I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a","Fanta sea." +"Do you travel to Louisiana often","Only on a Cajun" +"My friends keep telling me that I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen. Shit","Meant to post this somewhere else" +"I drove right over a rusty nail in the middle of the road","I retired since then" +"Where did. Noah keep the bees","In the ark hives." +"Do you know what you call a cougar who's married","A cheetah" +"What should a vegan do before he enters the butcher","Prepare for the würst" +"A convention of like-minded intellectuals A bunch of comedians gather together for a conference. The festivities start off with the usual dinner meet-and-greet. One comedian says to the other, Hey, is this the line for the prime rib. The other says, No, that line is over there","This is the punchline" +"So I was getting gas today. And I saw a woman smoking while she was fueling. I'm sitting there in dismay when I look over at another pump and see two cops leaning against their car eating hotdogs. I start giving them this look of don't you see this. Are you going to do anything. they seemed unconcerned. Just as I look back to the woman, I see her arm had caught fire and she's freaking out, flaling her arm around trying to put it out. Suddenly the cops tackle her, putting out the fire and then they arrest her. I asked them well, why the hell are you arresting her for. Isn't getting burned bad enough. One of the cops just looked at me and said She was waving around a firearm","" +"Roman numerals","Not on my watch" +"The shovel is so important because","It's a ground breaking invention" +"What's a baby cow's favorite place to eat. I don't know, but you can bet it's not a steak joint","-And you thought I was going to say a calf-eteria" +"I walked into a chicken coop, and took a deep breath","Something smelled fowl." +"How much does it cost for the pirate to get his ears pierced","A buccaneer" +"I'm driving through. Oklahoma today. It's","OK" +"I 2^3 Sum π and it was good","(Happy Pi Day)" +"Looks like this SUV broke the sound barrier http://i. imgur. com/5CwKLyo","jpg" +"Skydiving I am going skydiving solo tomorrow and my friends were asking what happens if something goes wrong. I am going to have the rest of my life to figure it out","Groans ensued" +"When is a door not a door","when it is ajar" +"I think my iPhone's broken. I pressed the home button, but","I'm still at work" +"Escalators are dangerous","You should take steps to avoid them" +"I don't care for long goodbyes, so let's keep this one short","By" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When it becomes apparent" +"The wife hates my dad jokes, but she had a good one We were driving behind someone in a van, and the back was filled with toilet paper","So she said wow, they must be preparing for the apoca-shits" +"Interviewer: So whats your background. Idris elba: ([looking at the camera](http://i. imgur. com/05gZrFa","gif))" +"What do you call juice without ice","Ju" +"Why is Spiderman so good at climbing walls","Because he is Peter Parkour" +"What do you call a factory that makes okay products","A satisfactory" +"I saw a lone lion out on the Savannah licking it's balls","Has it no pride" +"Pulled this one on my girlfriend and needed to share Long time lurker and first time posting, so please, be gentle. I felt like this belonged here. Girlfriend: Wow, your hair is getting so long. Do you like it. Me: Eh, it's growing on me","*drops mic* I'll see myself out" +"My infant daughter woke up with a cut on her face","I asked her if she made it from scratch" +"What do female robots use when it's that time of the month","ipads" +"My Dad got me a new twin sized bed","I always wondered where my brother went" +"This one is out of the world. So I showed my grandma the solar system tattoo I got on my leg","She told me it took up too much space" +"My wife emailed me the pictures of our first trip together, but I couldn’t open any of the files","I’ve always had trouble with emotional attachments" +"Scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children","Meh, I'll just use my ashtray instead" +"Why’s it so hard to play card games in the jungle","Because there’s too many cheetahs" +"Why is it inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad","Because it's a faux pa" +"My little brother is already training. He thinks he's [funny](http://imgur","com/qYrWDHy)" +"What Do You Call A Tornado That Hits A Vegetable Garden","a Tormato" +"My favorite song is by. Cyndi. Lauper. Because. I can listen to it. Time. After","Time." +"Did you guys hear about the robot who got arrested","He was charged with battery" +"Did you hear about the cow with 12 nipples","It sounds interesting, dozen tit" +"Risky Dad Joke: My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts","So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs" +"I was having dinner with two Pastors once. I couldn't reach the food, so I said, Excuse me Pastor, can you pass the pasta past the Pastor","(This actually happened, but it was kind of a letdown - they both just looked at me blankly, then resumed eating" +"What’s a duck’s favorite food","QUACKers" +"I got the Tesla Motors subreddit with a good one. http://imgur","com/zWndy2o" +"You heard about the Pianist that went to Jail","Apparently he hit “A minor”" +"Justice is a dish best served cold","If it was served warm, it would be justwater" +"I apparently made some sort of sighing noise My wife asked me, what is it","I said, it's a third person genderless personal pronoun" +"Dropped this one on my girlfriend today Girlfriend: Hey I'm getting sleepy Me: Is he with Snow White again","The face palm was very real" +"What did Bill Gates say about the basement where he created Microsoft","It needed more Windows" +"What do you do with a dead scientist","Barium" +"Have you heard of the new Apple Product to protect your eyes","Its called the iLid" +"A perfectionist walked into a bar","apparently the bar wasn't set high enough" +"What makes it's way around a prison, yet it never moves","A fence" +"How can a simple spelling mistake lead to a lost pregnancy","Pregnot" +"Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous. I see a few new faces here this week and. I must say","I am very disappointed" +"My neighbor says I’m trespassing. I’m unsure if I am or not","I’m on the fence" +"I told my doctor not to test my reflexes when I went to get my last physical","I didn’t want to have a knee-jerk reaction" +"My wife accused me of hating all her family and relatives","I told her that’s ridiculous, I love your mother-in-law" +"Why don't ghosts have babies","Because they have hallow-weenies" +"What do you call bears with no ears","B" +"Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power","I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer." +"Someone stole the soap from the bathroom again","The culprit made a clean get away" +"What's the first kitchen utensil you'd save from a fire","I'd save the coffee maker, but I'm not sure it would be worth the whisk" +"Tomatoes I feel pretty proud of this one. Classmate to the entire class, interrupting the lesson: Did you know that tomatoes went to the Supreme Court to decide if it was a fruit or vegetable. Me: Don't you mean the food court. The class laughed pretty hard","I am only 15, so I'm not as good as some of you out there, but I am practicing" +"I steal candy bars from counter","You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve" +"Who do you call when the large structure of Giza has a heart attack","The PYRAMID-ics" +"What do you call a sad cup of coffee","Depresso" +"I saw my dad standing on the toilet and I asked him what he was doing","He said he was high on pot" +"Wanna hear a long joke","JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" +"Dad vs Dad I'm in Tech Support for a major Networking company. Just had a conversation with my Dad. For context, I'm also a Dad. [Dad vs dad](http://i. imgur. com/BHmSajF","png)" +"Dad: Don’t eat that. You will get constipated. Daughter: I don’t give a shit","Exactly" +"My New Years resolution is to stop using spray-on deodorants","Roll on 2015" +"What exactly is life","A sexually transmitted disease" +"A Marine Biology student was compiling a list of all the sea creatures they could find on Wikipedia. The next day they handed it in to their Professor, who took one look at it and said","Lacks Cetacean" +"What did the father melon say to his daughter before her wedding","You can't elope" +"The people in. Dubai don't watch. The. Flintstones. But the people in. Abu. Dhabbi","Dooooooo!" +"Got my friends yesterday We were talking about in-breeding, and my friend who is an archaeologist was saying how we're all in-bred in some sense of the word because of a debated small group of people leaving Africa a debated amount of time ago produced most of the western world (or possibly didn't). I watched on, waiting for the end of the conversation to say Whatever. you're all in-bred but I'm in pizza The groans were instantaneous","(Bonus: also a few days ago we were ordering indian and my friend was gonna get chicken korma but I warned him Korma's a bitch" +"Why is a T-Rex not good at long range shooting","He only has small arms" +"What is a mayor's favorite food","Mayornnaise" +"Mazda. Cars. Mom: My first car was the. Mazda. Protege . Dad: I skipped the. Protege because","I'm the master" +"My dad the chemist Text message transcript follows Me: Running a little late, I'll be there in 10 minutes","Dad: potassium" +"On the burial plans for Fidel Castro I ask my girlfriend, Do you think Castro will be cremated or buried. She says, I couldn't care less why what do you think","I reply, Probably cremated, people love to smoke Cubans" +"The boomerang is Australia's number one export","And import" +"What does a clock do when it's hungry","It goes back four seconds" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When its fully groan" +"Why was the Mexican food cold","Because it was a brrrrrrrito" +"Watching Rangers vs Penguins game when. Dad randomly chuckles and says If Sidney Crosby kidnapped Rick Nash's son, it would be Crosby Steals Nash's Young","I laugh, girlfriend and mother groan" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at my school today","It was fine though, he eventually woke up" +"What did the frog say when he finished a book at the library. Read it","My dad said that when he overheard me and my brother talking about reddit" +"Physics teacher got us today We're currently learning the application of unit vectors in physics. One of the students says something along the lines of What's the point of this",", and the teacher replies No, that's a vector, not a point" +"The teenager at [insert fast food restaurant here] hands me my food and says Sorry for the wait . To which. I reply That's okay,","I will lose it eventually" +"The attendants at this gas station need to stop trying to up-sell phone data plans","I mean, this is a Marathon, not a Sprint" +"The doctor said I have hereditary diarrhoea, I asked him how he knew","He said because it's in your genes" +"Someone went into our local Chinese shop, threw a whole tray of dumplings onto the ground, and stomped all over them","It was an act of wonton destruction" +"I heard there's a lot of cool architecture in Barcelona","But I thought it was pretty Gaudí" +"What secret was the egg hiding. Nevermind","it’s more of an inside yolk" +"Son: Dad what's a paradox","Dad: When there's two doctors in a room" +"The 3 unwritten rules of life. 1. 2","3" +"I don't understand how people get attacked by sharks","Can they not hear the music" +"Raised the bar Two weekends ago I was skiing with a dad, we were nearing the top of the ski lift and it came time to put the safety thing up. So I put it up and this happened: The Dad- You just made it a lot harder. Me- What do you mean. The Dad- you just raised the bar","I fell for it twice too" +"I figured out why nobody thinks my cheesy jokes are funny","Everybody that has heard them is laughtose intolerant" +"I managed to make a joke to my doctor dad I was setting up some hardware for him and he asked me to hurry up","I said, Can't you wait, I thought you had a lot of patients" +"I'm reading a book about the history of glue","I just can't seem to put it down" +"My dad's personal favorite So my dad and I are driving home from a camping trip. We pull over at a rest stop to grab some dinner. Looking up at the sky, I see the moon is at a crescent. I say to him Do you think it's waning. While pointing at the moon. Without looking up, he responds Waning","It's not even cwoudy" +"Found a really cool dispenser the other day","Water dispenser it was" +"To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket","You can hide, but you can't run" +"Friend was late because of car problems - he said that there was a problem with the belt. I said - Did it's trousers fall down. Please don't upvote me - I'm not proud of myself","This is more a confession than anything" +"Moving to Arizona","Me: But I don't want to move to Tempe (town in Arizona) Dad: Don't worry, it's just tempe-rary that one physically hurt" +"Some people ask who's the greatest rapper of all time. Some might say B",", 'Pac, Snoop, Em, but really, nobody can beat a Punjabi Cleric They're the ones who drop the Sikhist rhymes" +"Yesterday. I heard that. Oxygen and. Magnesium were going out. I was like","OMg" +"What do you call a factory that makes okay products","A satisfactory" +"How many grammar nerds does it take to screw in a lightbulb","Too" +"Best dad joke of all time. “I’m just heading to the store, son","I’ll be back in a few minutes" +"i collect ties with chickens on them i brag to friends about my hen tie collection at home. . a friend pointed out that one of my hen ties actually has a cock and not a hen","i quipped that in tie land, it can be hard to tell them apart" +"My wife bet me I couldn’t make a good joke on this thread [She lost](https://www. reddit. com/r/dadjokes/comments/auohdh/a_good_joke/","st=JSKSA5ER&sh=a1760541)" +"If anyone has a great fish pun","Let minnow" +"Did you know","That towels are the leading cause of dry skin?" +"My three-year-old fell into the toilet today","“Well, no wonder you’re looking so flushed,” I told him" +"What do you call a 3. 14 meter snake","A PITHON" +"Pull my finger and call me Vladmir. Why","Because I'm Putin" +"My Dad Made The Best Possible Dad Joke Ever Background- We're at Disney World right now and the cast member was saying if you have any prosthetics or metal implants that you shouldn't ride the ride. Cast Member- Just a reminder, anyone with prosthetics or metal implants is not permitted to ride. Dad- Oh, I have one. I don't think it's a big deal, it's just a little metal piece right here. *points to his left leg* Cast Member- Where. Dad- Right here, in dis knee","The guy laughed his ass off and gave our whole family fast passes" +"What’s some advice you could give to","Guillotine victims “You should have thought a-head”" +"Who's never hungry at Christmas. The Turkey","Hes always stuffed" +"Why is it easier to steal 2nd base than 3rd base","Because there’s a short stop between 2nd and 3rd" +"Dad got me out of the blue My Dad and I were taking about how my sister paid for her rent at college","Me: Well you don't have to pay anything for me anymore (I'm on a full athletic scholarship) Him: I've gotta pay to follow you around to your games Me: You do that of your own accord Him: No, I drive an Altima to the games" +"I had to throw away our Chinese purebred's rotten food","Ciao Chow Chow chow" +"I was on the radio once","Mom said Get off that thing before you break it" +"Figured out I was adopted the other day. Decided to confront my dad about it. I told him Dad, I found the paperwork. I know Dad said What paperwork. What did you find. I'm adopted He replied Hi adopted. I'm- oh, wait","Nevermind" +"My friend Dad Joked me I was doing a puzzle that had more pieces that I could handle when I said to my friend, I really want to finish this puzzle but I don't think I have it in me. She quickly responded and said, Well you should eat the pieces and then you'll have it in you","I rolled my eyes as she fell on the floor laughing" +"I was going to fry some alligator tonight","But I only have a Crockpot" +"Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth","Then it's soap opera" +"What do you call a hippie's wife","Mississippi" +"What did I get by dropping a piano down a mineshaft","A Flat Miner" +"The Bacon Tree Two Mexican men, Juan and Pedro, were crossing the border into Texas. This trip they made was very long, and they did not have enough food to last the entire journey. The two were walking through the arid plains with nothing in sight when all of a sudden they catch a scent of bacon. They followed the smell towards its source, and there was a plant that appeared to have meats growing from it. Pedro and Juan thought that it was a bacon tree. However, they decide that it must be a mirage. The smell wafted over to them, and Juan, who was starving, bolted to the plant. As soon as he was a few feet from it, he was shot","He turned around and shouted Pedro, this is not a bacon tree; it is a Ham-bush" +"Unfortunate fortune cookie My dad got fortune cookies from the Chinese restaurant in our local mall’s food court. He opened his up, and read the fortune. I opened mine, but there was no fortune inside","I said: “Dang, there’s no fortune in here” Then he grins, and goes; “How unfortunate” Sighs ensue" +"Got my friend pretty good today while chatting on FB me: I just heard that physicists at CERN have a room where they hold Dick-Fights. him: Wtf man. Seriously","me: Yeah, they call it the *Large Hardon Collider*" +"My friend asked me how I come up with so many erectile dysfunction jokes. Meh","it's not hard" +"Why could the pirate not play cards","Because he was sitting on the deck" +"Where does Joker go to bamboozle Batman","In Gottem City" +"Don’t be upset with your phone autocorrecting… Fuck to duck, you’re still using fowl language","(Stolen from wife)" +"My dad got me right when I woke up. Dad: Did you hear about the guy who mugged a midget. Me: No","(Groan incoming) Dad: Well, he really stooped low" +"Father: My 3 sons want to be valets when they grow up","Doctor: That's the worst case of the Parking sons disease I've ever seen" +"What is invisible and smells like carrots","Rabbit Farts" +"LPT: If your girlfriend can cook spicy Chinese food, marry her","Because Schezwan of a kind" +"Why are you supposed to round to the nearest dollar on your tax returns","Because the IRS has no cents" +"Being a waiter is hard. The hours are long, the pay is low","But at least it puts food on the table" +"We never discussed gravity much in my town","It just never came up" +"Date at applebees Waiter: What'll it be guys. Her: I'll have the apple Me: *gritted teeth* I guess I'll have the bees then. Waiter: Okay sir, how would you like them. me: *clenches fist* Chef: HE PICKED THE BEES","*angrily shakes jar of bees*" +"why don't horses die in earthquakes","their homes are very stable" +"Showed my dad 'the Grand Budapest hotel' Willem Dafoe's character is like an eastern European vampire hitman. One of the antagonists. My dad says 'Willem always plays Da Foe'","Much awesome" +"Little one got me good this morning me: Well, you should give it another chance. Halibut is really good. her: I might just try that, you know, for the Halibut","So it begins" +"[Request] Jokes about about a broken foot: (like) I heard you got a new job working at I Hop A friend of mine broke her foot. She is wearing a boot now. Any jokes you have about broken feet or boots would be great. Here are the ones I've been using: -See you next fall -I need to step up my jokes -I heard you joined a gang","the Crip ples" +"Lost the numbers in my phone. Friend: Hey. Let's maybe hang out this week. Me: Sorry, do I know you. Friend: Are you being serious. Me: The number looks familiar. Friend: Ahhhh, did you lose your contacts","Me: No, I wear glasses" +"I decided to grow my beard out","At first it was just because I was too lazy to shave, but now it's growing on me" +"How do you pick out a blind man in a nudist colony","It's not very hard" +"I just found out how to burn 2000 calories","I left my brownies in the oven too long" +"Where do you go, if you don't believe in Gosh","Heck" +"Got my wife in labor As my wife in labor is walking down the hallway of the hospital and I'm rolling her IV on my right, I looked right and said to her, Maybe its just me, but I feel like there is something between us. I got the glare and silent treatment","until the water broke 10 steps later" +"Why doesn’t Karl Marx like Earl Grey","Because all proper tea is theft" +"I would tell you an inappropriate unemployment joke","but none of them work" +"Why North korea and south Korea's relationship didn't work","Because North doesn't have a Seoul" +"Want to hear a joke about digging","Never mine, it’s too deep for a dad joke" +"I used to know a guy who did circumcision [NSFW]","The money wasn't great, but he got keep the tips" +"A jew walks into a bar","mitzvah" +"Question from Jeopardy tonight about geography. Alex: “Name this territory adjacent to the territory Nunavut","” Me: “What is Alluvut" +"What did one hat say to the other. You stay here","I’ll go on ahead" +"What happens when you eat too much food coloring","You dye a little bit on the inside" +"What do you get when you cross a. Snowman with a. Vampire","Frostbite" +"What shoes do Transformers wear","Vans" +"What do you call a dictionary on drugs","High definition" +"My mom and I just dad-joked each other. We were discussing brunch, and she decided to make mimosas to go with it. Me: Well since you're making them, wouldn't they be MOM-osas. Mom: No, I'm just making mine. So it'll be a ME-mosa","*ba dum tschh*" +"Nike has always represented victory","but now it is synonymous with d'feet" +"My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if people call you fat","” “You are much bigger than that" +"For halloween, my daughter dressed up as Mary Poppins, and then asked me if she could just skip the vegan neighbor's house","When I her asked why, she said it was because their Stupid Cauliflower Licorice Tastes A Lot Like Dog Shit" +"Burned my. Hawaiian pizza today,","I should've cooked it on aloha temperature." +"Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar","And doesn't" +"A man walks into a bar. Ouch","It was an iron bar" +"Where did that bird come from. Driving to lunch with some coworkers and a bird hit the side if the car. Guy says where the hell did that bird come from","I replied an egg" +"My 6 year old just dadjoked me He colored a few stickers and they told a story if placed in the correct sequence, so I guess to a 6 year old, it's kind of like a movie Son: Would you like to see the video I just made. Me: Sure. Did you make a title for your video","Son: It's called Video Tape So proud :D" +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the Moon","Great food, no atmosphere" +"What do you call an overweight psychic","A four-chin teller" +"Wanna see an Avengers Endgame spoiler. [Spoiler](https://i. kym-cdn. com/entries/icons/mobile/000/029/446/cover5","jpg)" +"The new library only has 3 floors but is still the tallest building on campus","It has the most stories." +"Why don't you ever see Elephants hiding in trees","Because they're really, really good at it" +"Watch your son my mother said to my father as my brother sat watching the fireplace Of course as children do, my brother touched the glass of the fireplace and burnt his hand. When questioned why he wasn't watching my brother my father responded: I was watching. First he lifted his hand. Then he placed it on the glass. Then he begun to cry","I saw it all" +"Wife came back from a camping trip","Was your trip in-tents?" +"Why are priests always super fit","They get lots of exorcise" +"It takes 5 minutes for me to walk to the pub and 35 minutes to walk back","The difference is staggering" +"Walking in a busy park with my family Me: Hey, I just saw somebody with a word on his t-shirt. My son: What was it. Me: Guess. My son: Soccer. Me: No. Guess. My son: I did guess. Me:","My wife: Buddy, daddy's just trying to be funny" +"How can you tell the difference between a frog and a horny frog. The frog goes : rib it rib it","Horny frog goes: Rub it Rub it" +"I was going to go to school to become a comedian. Then","I realized, that career is a joke" +"I recently bumped into the man who sold me my antique globe","It's a small world" +"While watching Pee Wee's Big Holiday , my wife recognized Pee Wee and asked Isn't he a pervert or something. I told her","He was arrested for masturbating in an adult theater, but I think he got off" +"A Jelly Bean, Skittle and an M&M go to a party But at the door there was a sign saying no chocolate allowed. M&M hesitates. Hey guys, I might skip this one. I'm a chocolate. I'll catch you guys later Skittle and Jelly Bean protest. Nah man, you'll be fine, you're candy on the outside. Come in with us, it'll be fun. Says his cousin Skittle. Yeah, if anyone has a problem with you, we'll look after you says Jelly Bean. M&M decides he will go in, encouraged by his friends. They all have a good time, and no one mentions anything about M&M being chocolate on the inside. The night is going well then suddenly the front door bangs open and in walks Vick and his gang of vapour drops. The party goes quiet as Vick surveys the room. His eyes stop on M&M. What the fuck are you doing M&M. Can't fucking read the sign. No chocolate allowed. But I'm candy on the outside, it's OK, right guys. Protests M&M weakly. Jelly Bean and Skittle back off into the shadows, leaving M&M by himself. I think we need to teach this smart ass chocolate a fucking lesson, let's take this outside. Says Vick. The vapor drops grab M&M and drag him outside and start beating him up, cracking his shell through to his chocolate. The gang walk away leaving M&M barely conscious on the lawn. The next day in hospital, Jelly Bean and Skittle come to visit their friend, feeling bad for him. Why didn't you guys stick up for me. Asks M&M","Man, you know Vick, there was nothing we could do, he's fucking menthol" +"It seems the NZTA motorcycle questions are written by a Dad. If getting my motorcycle license didn't depend on it I'd answer A. http://imgur. com/27L4lGO","png" +"Why can’t a dinosaur laugh","Because they’re extinct" +"Miley. Cyrus licks a hammer and everyone loves it but","I do it and get kicked out of the hardware shop ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯" +"I dreamed about drowning in an ocean of orange soda last night","It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea" +"What's an annoying pepper do","It gets jalapeño face" +"A joke I made up :) How many cans of paint does a bird use","TOUCANS" +"I love telling dad jokes, but I don't have any kids","I guess that makes me a faux pa" +"Did You Hear About The Moose Who Became A Comedian. He's very a*moos*ing","I am so proud of this awful joke I made up XD" +"Talking about drills. Brother: And that's the chuck, right","Dad: Well yes, but I'm not that familiar with it, so I call it the Charles" +"I am very, very skilled at parking. I could probably park a car in any spot you think wouldn't be possible","One could say I'm a hardcore parker" +"I've been fired from. Comedy. Central and from. Pizza. Hut","Something about delivery the screwing up." +"I’m terrified of elevators","I’m gonna start taking steps to avoid them" +"My wife's dad robbed banks back in the day","Better known as my father-out-law." +"What did the lawyer say in the mesothelioma case say in defense of his client","He was just doing asbestos he could" +"What do you call it when Ariana Grande goes on a date","A Grandezvous" +"2 fish are in a tank","One turns to the other and says: “You know how to drive this thing" +"Where do suicide bombers go after they die","Everywhere" +"Asked my dad if he liked the. History channel","He said, Yes, but it gets old quick." +"The first time I threw a boomerang, I had no idea what I was doing","Then it hit me" +"Why was the sea otter on the spaceship","To get to otter space" +"I bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday. I don't know what he laced them with but","I've been tripping all day" +"What do you call someone who insults cars","A car-berater" +"Dad: I need a Doctor’s appointment. Receptionist: How about 10 tomorrow","Dad: No, I don’t need that many" +"How can you tell if a joke is a dad joke","It'll be apparent" +"I got fired from my job for asking customers if they want “raw”,”medium”,”rare”,or cooked","The correct terms were “cremation” and burial" +"My professor gave us a. Presentation on. Sedatives","I couldn't understand anything with all the slurred speech" +"Dadjoked a kid at work today I work as a camp counselor, and today we had a problem that there was temporarily no running water in the building. A kid came up to me and asked how we'd have water for lunch if there was no running water, I said It's not a problem, we've got plenty of walking water","Another counselor who overheard cracked up" +"What do Mexicans put under their carpet","Underlay" +"I'm not a dad, but this just came out. I think I'll make a great dad. SO: Stop being so mean","Me: How about *you* stop being so *median" +"R.I.P.. Prince","You were truly a symbol." +"What do you call a cow with a twitch","Beef Jerky" +"What do you call an educator under the influence","A high school teacher" +"Watching the Women's World Cup with my dad We were watching the women's World Cup. Germany was playing Ivory Coast. Me: Dad what do you call the Ivory Coast women's team. Dad: I don't know. Me: Ovary Coast My dad fist bumped me","My mom overheard the joke and walked out of the room" +"My wife is really angry that I have no sense of direction","So I packed up my stuff and right" +"Why don't birds wear pants","Cause their pecker's on their head" +"Was headed to the Lincoln Theater for a show When I asked my Dad if he might know where it is: Dad: I don't know a Lincoln Theater but I know a Ford Theater. Don't go there though, it's a bad neighborhood. Me: Really","Dad: Yeah, a president got shot there" +"Dad","is a two letter word" +"I went looking for lighters on ebay,. But all","I found was 13,579 matches" +"Some people said firefighters deserved more money. So they took a pole","**They all fell through the floor" +"Jesus could turn water into wine,. All","I can do is turn beer into urine." +"I ain't racist","In fact I like all kinds of races Nascar, motocross, formula one, and drag racing" +"How many seconds are there in a year. Google Assistant with the dad joke: https://i. imgur. com/EUQ7TTF","jpg" +"House of Cards I think it was unintentional but the dialogue went: Frank: Are you coming to the memorial today. Claire: Do I have to. Frank: No. Claire: I'm *buried* right now","Frank: Fine" +"My friend got fired from his cow milking job because of his erratic behavior","He was a danger to himself and udders" +"My Grandfather earlier today Grandfather: Wanna hear a pig with 3 eyes. Me: Sure. Grandfather: P*iii*g","Edit: Formatting because I'm mobile" +"What do you call a lawn adornment who can keep time","A Metro-Gnome" +"What kind of cheese do zombies eat","Organzola" +"What's Captain Kirk's favorite kind of radish","Daikon" +"I've been prescribed anti gloating cream","I can't wait to rub it in" +"I didn't trust the doctor giving me a prostate exam","So, I told him: Don't pull any shit" +"My school did a theatre performance on the alphabet","It was called a play on words" +"My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonations, but don't worry","I'll return" +"There are two kinds of people. those who finish what they start and so on","Robert Byrne" +"My 9 year old is at it again. Did you hear about the pants that just came back from the gym","They were ripped" +"My daughter and I were playing on the beach today when I picked up her small bucket and stared at it for a long time. Puzzled, she asked, Daddy, what're you doing. Sounding concerned, I said, Your bucket is sick. Surprised, she asked, How do you know","I replied, Well, it's a little pail" +"In Current Events","We went rafting today" +"What do you call a dragon with no wings","Draggin" +"Why is the circle more trustworthy than the square","Because he doesn’t have an angle" +"I think it's weird Abba doesn't follow its own rhyme scheme 'She is the dancing queen Young and lean Only seventeen","' Might as well be called Aaa" +"I made up a racist joke","A cyclist, a swimmer, a jockey, and a greyhound all walk into a bar" +"I was going to tell a joke about being lost in a maize","I decided it was too corny though" +"My dad always brings this one out when guests are over A guy visiting Australia gets hit by a car and is taken to the ER unconscious. When he comes to, lying on a stretcher, he asks the porter, Was I brought here to die","The porter replies, No, mate, you were brought here yesterday" +"If Virginia wore a New Jersey what did Delaware. I don’t know, Alaska","(I’ll ask her)" +"What do you call a colorful Jewish candle","Menora-borealis" +"What did the scarf say to the hat","You go on ahead; I'm gonna hang around" +"When discussing which cheese to buy. My father says, just make sure it's a gouda one","Criiiinge" +"The watermelon is admitted without question into many households although","it is always very seedy" +"I was on the phone with my wife and said, I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on. After a twenty second pause, I asked, You still there sweetheart","Yeah, she replied, …but I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…" +"The phone in my new room doesn't have hands-free","It's a holding cell" +"Container Store Friend: Every time I go to the Container Store, I have to buy something","Me: So what you're saying is, you can't contain yourself" +"Why was the bun so happy to see the hotdog","It was expecting the wurst" +"My dad and I were having an argument. When I was four years old, my dad and I got into an argument over who should get the remote control. Because I was significantly smaller and younger, my dad won the argument. I was angry, so I walked my little four year old behind to my grandma's house that was across the street. Grandma wasn't home, but the door was never locked, so I made myself a poptart and proceeded to watch nickelodeon until my mom got home from church. Once I had my fill of fruity pastry and child entertainment I walked back to my house where my mom was screaming at my father. How could you let a four year old just go like that. Unsupervised. My dad was silent. My mother continued, it's like you don't care at all about me or our children. Still nothing from dad. Well this is the last straw. my mom shouted, I'm leaving you. Do you have anything to say for yourself. My dad spoke softly, hi leaving you, I'm dad","" +"The other day, I broke my award for Best Cat Gastroenterologist","It was a catasstrophy" +"I used to be too cool for school. Until","I started bringing a jacket." +"My friend said that an onion was the only food that could make you cry","So I threw a coconut at his face" +"What's the hardest monster to find","A wherewolf" +"I told my dad that he should embrace his mistakes. He had tears in his eyes","Then he hugged my sister and me" +"How my dad pays for groceries","every time Credit card reader says *Please Swipe Card* My dad, Why would I swipe it, I already own my card" +"My boss today at work We were sitting together on the couch at work watching TV and the movie said Fire at will. My boss Yeah, but which one is will","" +"Why does the toilet have ptsd","Because it has seen some shit" +"Floyd Mayweather My wife and I were sitting outside last night and it's been really cold here for the month of May. We live in Floyd County, Indiana. Wife: It sure is cold for the month of May. Me: Must be this weather in Floyd County during the month of May","I guess you could call it Floyd Mayweather" +"I fell off the roof today. Good thing","I didn't fall while on it" +"I was awakened last night by the bulimic lady in the apartment next door","I knocked on her door and said, Please keep it down" +"I'm posting on mobile. I can't use my laptop anymore. Someone spilled apple juice on it","It was a cider attack" +"I was addicted to the. Hokey. Pokey. But","I turned myself around" +"I quit my job as a mailman today. When. I got handed the mail","I realized this isn't for me" +"And Jesus said to John And Jesus said to John, go fourth and have external life . But John went fifth and all he got was a toaster. I'll be a dad in March","How am I doing" +"My. Grandpa got his leg amputated","My dad told me he’s a foot shorter." +"I wish. I could see what it was like to have a dad bod for just one day","I'm tired of having a dad bod everyday" +"How will Sidious die in Star Wars Episode IX","Heart Palpatine-ations" +"What do castles eat for breakfast","Moatmeal" +"My daughter: Catching on to both dad jokes and great 90's alternative music. We were listening to Pearl Jam's Alive in the car this evening. She pipes up out of nowhere: Q: What does Eddie Vedder wear to bed. A: Pearl Jammies She's 12","I'm proud" +"Who's bigger: Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby. Mr","Bigger's baby because he's a little Bigger" +"I was shocked when my dad came out as gay","But the real surprise came when my other dad came out, too" +"I get paid weekly. Very weakly","My friend's Dad used to say this weekly" +"Wife asked my 3 year old how to spell pig. With letters hahaha, got 'er","How am I supposed to accept my 3 year old is ready to be a dad" +"I just want to talk about the absolute perfect quality of material here in r/dadjokes. Not once has anyone laughed at one of these jokes when I have told them","Way to keep the spirit of dadjokes alive by putting groans before laughter" +"Hope these dad jokes aren't too salty for you. http://i. imgur. com/8uKFneq","png" +"My mom got me last weekend. I was building a shed at her cabin over the weekend and she came out to hold a ladder while a got on the roof. As I was climbing a bee flew in front of my face and I cringed. Another one of its bee buddies flew next to my hand and I yelled ah. Two bees. in a totally manly voice and hopped off the ladder. My mom picked up a wood scrap near her and quickly smushed one of the bees on the shed. She then turned to me and said, . or not two bees","God dammit" +"I started a website with a collection of jokes for kids, but it failed miserably. It turns out no one wants to visit www. kidslaughter","com" +"Has anyone watched a movie called The Tractor","Me neither but I've seen the trailer" +"I've said it once and. I'll say it again","It" +"My dog kept on chasing people on a bike. It got so bad","I had to take his bike away" +"Why did the snail paint an S on his car","So when he sped past people they would say look at that S car go" +"I have a chicken proof lawn","It's impeccable" +"What's the fastest liquid on earth. Milk","Its pasteurized before you can see it" +"I promised myself I would get a 4K TV for the family in 2016","It's my New Year's Resolution" +"My dad lowering my self esteem I was at church with my father who is the pastor, so lots of people come up to him weekly. I went to go say hi to him after church, and an older lady by the name of Bertha comes up to us and introduces herself. After I tell her my name, she asks me if I play football. I shake my head and give her a puzzled look and she says, oh well you have a strong looking body . Of course I get rather excited about this and say, dad did you hear that, she thinks I play football. He responds with, son, we've been praying for Ms","Bertha's eyesight for a long time now" +"My days are numbered","Today is the 9228th." +"My wife was teaching my 11 month old son how to eat with silverware. My son successfully took a bite by himself and I said, Good forking job","My wife groaned" +"First Impression Took my daughter to the orthodontist last week to get impressions for braces. We went back again yesterday to get more impressions made","Telling my coworker where I was going, he immediately said, She must not have made a good first impression" +"What do you call a fat psychic","A four chin teller" +"TIL that diarrhea is actually genetic","It runs in your jeans" +"Hey, do you know any Excel formulas","Yeah, Sum" +"Well I got this one the other day while watching Jack Ryan with my dad. Dad: Where is Moscow. Me: Dude, its in Russia","Dad: No, it is in the barn next to Pa's Cow" +"People in wheelchairs are going to hell","It’s a stairway to heaven" +"The mafia killed a man in a rice field today because of a dispute over a small trinket","It is the first documented case of a knick-knack paddy whack." +"I've developed a fear of speed bumps","But I'm slowly getting over them" +"What did the hat rack say to the hat","You go on ahead, I’ll stay here" +"what did the sushi say to the bee","'Wasabi" +"Dadjoked my father at my brothers wedding I was sitting in his seat talking to my mother/grandparents for a bit when an idea hit me. So after some brief set up, I went searching for dad. Me: I really like the small touches they added, like the personalised messages on the table placements Dad: What. Me: You know, the name tag to show where people are sitting Dad: Yeah, I know what you're talking about, but there's no message on them. Me: Yes there is. It's on the inside of them, just have to flip them over to read it Dad: I'm telling you, there's no message on them. Me: I absolutely guarantee that there is a personalised message written on your name tag","So, determined to prove me wrong we go inside to his table and he flips over his name tag to find, in my handwriting, told you so" +"Hey, I don't care, if people want to spend lots of their money on electricity","Then more power to them" +"The cashier at the gas station got me. I went in the gas station to buy a NOS because despite how douchey they are they taste delicious. Anyway, as I was leaving I thanked her and she drops: Have a NOS day","Gah" +"If everything seems to be coming straight at you,","You are probably in the wrong lane." +"I was taking my kids trick or treating along a dark country road, on a moonless Halloween night, when all of a sudden, a vampire swooped down from the darkness and landed right in front of us. My daughter shrieked, Quick dad, show him your cross","Without a second thought, I shouted, YOU LEAVE US ALONE YOU BIG MEAN OLD VAMPIRE" +"Why did Victoria get fired","It's Victoria's Secret" +"My. Friends. Get. Mad. When. I. Steal. Their. Kitchen. Utensils. But that's a whisk","I'm willing to take." +"A girl asked me where. I saw myself in five years Sorry,","I don't have 2020 vision" +"My ultimate frisbee tournament was canceled this weekend so i texted my dad to let him know Me: Atlantic City tournament was canceled this weekend due to ice and snow on the fields","Dad: snow way" +"Did you hear about the guy who almost died ordering at mcdonalds","He pulled through eventually" +"My dad and I were walking downtown today having a heart to heart when he spanked a statue, turned to me and said. Son","I've just hit rock bottom" +"Hot dogs Why do all hot dogs look the same","Because they are in bread" +"Why did the elephant make a terribly slow getaway driver","His trunk was filled with water" +"The Swordfish is mighty, and has very few natural predators","One of them is the Penfish, which is said to be even mightier" +"It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad","It's a faux pa" +"Why is Jon Snow so itchy","*SPOILERS* He's got aunts in his pants" +"My obese parrot died","It was a weight off my shoulder" +"Why was the writer kicked off of the movie set","He was making a scene" +"What do you call a meteorite that misses its target","A meteowrong" +"I just bought a vintage Rolls Royce, but the budget didn't cover a driver","So I spent all that money, and I've got nothing to chauffeur it" +"A dad and his daughter have an argument After a long and heated argument, the daughter decides enough is enough and goes to leave the room. But when she reaches the doorway, she turns around and blurts out AND BY THE WAY, JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED. and leaves","Her dad yells back HEY, WHAT'D I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS" +"Have you ever heard of the mushroom who wanted to be a comedian","He was a fungi" +"Sylvester Stallone said to Arnold Schwarzenegger “What do you want to dress as for Halloween","” Schwarzenegger replied “ You be Beethoven, I’ll be Bach”" +"The doctor said the X-ray was negative","I was like, “aren’t they all" +"A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops","On my desk I have a work station" +"My dad text me this. A true dad joke Got a question. Did u hear about the furious lady who was late and refused entry to her yoga class","Yeah she couldnt believe they were not more flexible" +"They say that as you get older, the first thing to go is your memory","But I can't remember the second thing" +"You know I never liked my beard before but","It's growing on me" +"What are Mario and Luigi’s favorite kind of pants","Denim denim denim" +"My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink","No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theater" +"What’s faster, cold or hot","Hot, because you can catch a cold" +"If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight","There would be mass confusion" +"All my friends hate me for this one What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark","Do not consume if seal is broken" +"A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collided","The sailors were marooned" +"Went to a friend's house and was offered dessert. They offered me a disclaimer. The custard tastes good, but the consistency isn't normal I responded Oh, so it's off-pudding","Only her father laughed with me" +"Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon","Because it's a gray area" +"I can’t believe. Elon. Musk is from. South. Africa. And not","Madatgascar" +"What you you call a tree when it says to you, Hey, you look good today","A complimentary" +"Did you hear about that German barber","Herr Kutz" +"What's the difference between a guitar, a fish, and glue","You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish" +"Why did the web browser go to the salon","To get it's thumbnails done" +"Practicing We were at The Contemporary resort in Disney World waiting to be called for our breakfast reservation, when my wife points out this scale model of a Disney cruise ship. We walk up to it and I say wow, would you look at that. It's a lot smaller than I thought it would be, though. My wife rolled her eyes","Our first is due in April" +"I’m really enjoying the dad jokes here. Hi really enjoying the dad jokes here","I’m Dad" +"I was at the beach today and there was a group of pelicans not doing anything. I concentrated hard on one pelican and suddenly if flew out to the water, snagged a fish in his bill and flew back to shore. Wow , I thought to myself","Pelikanesis is a real thing" +"The guy who thought he was fog disaapeared","He is surely mist" +"My Dad asks me sometimes Wanna see me part my hair down the middle. I reply, Sure","*Dad proceeds to do a squat*" +"When it comes to booze and making love to a woman","[NSFW] Don't do any wine-ing: just liquor up" +"What's the most british fruit in the world","The bloody orange" +"So I overheard a guy at work today. He said if a hurricane takes three or more days to pass, Do they call it a slow-i-cane","haven't seen him but can tell he's a dad" +"Waitress - Take any table you want. Ok","Hey son, do you think we can fit this one in the car" +"How can you tell the Gender of an Ant. Throw it in some water, if it sinks its a girl. If its floats its a","Buoyant" +"I went to a concert last night and the musicians were bouncing around the stage like crazy","Turns out they were an *elastic* band" +"Apparently George Lucas got tired of retirement These days he's working on a new Internet Protocol, specifically for delivering Chinese food","He's calling it eWok" +"I got a dog from. Germany and named it. The. Lord. The","Lord is my shepherd." +"My wife turns to my 2 year old and asks why her shoe was in the kitchen Me: oh that was me, i was gonna eat it Her: Well how'd that turn out","Me: Not bad, had a little kick to it" +"What do you call only listening to West coast rap","No Biggie" +"My printer was making music so I checked it out","The paper was jamming" +"Hookers dont fart","They let out little prosti toots" +"Did you hear about the constipated mathematician. He worked his problem out with a pencil. It was a no","2 pencil" +"Why don't the Leaning Tower of Pisa and Big Ben ever visit each other","One lacks the time and the other lacks the inclination" +"I was told to post this here. My dad was pleased with me as a son. My dad asked me if why I hadn't taken my jacket off yet","I told him I was warming up to the idea" +"I've always wanted to be a Millionaire just like my Dad","He always wanted to be a Millionaire too" +"I had a really great conversation with a dolphin yesterday","I don’t know, we just clicked" +"A worker got me Peer:My eyelid has been twitching for a week. I am just going to cut it off Me: Have you tried banana's","(the potassium should help) Peer: Nope, don't think it is sharp enough" +"Why do cows make such good dancers","They've got the best mooves" +"I can't believe I'm almost finished with aviation school","This last semester has really flown by" +"Why can't your nose be 12 inches","Cause then it'd be a foot" +"Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella","Fo' Drizzle" +"What starts with F and ends in uck","Firetruck" +"“Hey, we brought you an iced coffee”","Cool beans." +"Are you afraid of bats. Because I saw a 3 and a half foot long one in real life","It was at a baseball game" +"I, for one like","Roman numerals." +"I was playing Mario with my son when we came across a princess with a pink dress and a beautiful smile. I was intrigued so I asked him “Who is that","” “She’s a real peach”" +"It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow and she’s wanted to get a new cat (recently lost our old one), so my son and I got a cat from the animal shelter, put her gently into a large gift bag and brought her home. Before I could shut my driver door my son ran inside and ruined the surprise","Can’t believe he let the cat out of the bag" +"Why do farts smell","So deaf people can enjoy them" +"What the hell is Roman cheese. A cheese that won't sit still. And here I am","still wondering" +"Dad in resturant Server: Do you want a cup or a bowl. Dad: That's probably a good idea. Otherwise it will just go all over the table","&nbsp; *I am not the OP*" +"What's a fake rock from Ireland","A shamrock" +"I worked out this morning","I exercised my vote" +"What do you call snake who switches careers from standup comedy to Canadian law enforcement","Mountie Python" +"Met a pretty lady today, and immediately there was a spark between us","A taser is a really handy tool." +"Dad got me good last night. Before leaving the house. I said to my. Dad, I'm going to throw on a different shirt","Dad says, Won't you be hot wearing two shirts?" +"I think we should park in the #7 spot. why Dad","it's prime" +"Google Assistant telling Dad Jokes http://imgur. com/22YJqvO","jpg" +"Why did Jesus sail in the storm on the Sea of Galilee","It's not like he was a huge fan of the fairer seas" +"Our new librarian is very polite and I think she is Italian","I just took a book back that was months overdue, but rather than charging me, she just said, That's-a-fine" +"Where did the two gay lions live","Pride rock" +"I was talking to my dad about the Lottery. Me: Did you see the lottery hit 1. 3 billion","Dad: Yeah, thats a loto money" +"What math do you have to do to make cheap toilet paper better","You multi-ply" +"Why do dogs float on water so well","Because they are good buoys" +"They say a dog is mans best friend, but what else can you always count on","Your fingers" +"Vegans think that people who sell meat are disgusting","But people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer." +"My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction","So I packed up my stuff and right" +"I found this small stick with one end coated with a material that can be ignited by frictional heat. It made me feel loved, wholesome and beautiful","Like a match made in heaven" +"What do you call a crazy clown","A balloonatic" +"If you have no interest in banking","You are not a loan." +"My colour blind friend told me there were only two kinds of people in the world","I told him to stop seeing things in black and white" +"Where did the car thieves go to celebrate after a successful robbery","Carrabba’s" +"What do you call a donkey with 3 legs and one eye","A winky wonky" +"Every time my dad reads a fortune cookie. Help, I'm trapped in a chinese fortune cookie factory","Never gets old" +"My personal trainer said flexibility is the foundation of good fitness","I guess that all's well that bends well" +"I got a promotion at the ladder company. You could say","I’m stepping up in the world." +"Every time. I try to set up my tripod, it keeps falling down","I can't stand it." +"This country is more prone to disease then others","Germany." +"All dogs are amazing. [xpost /r/pics] but this one is out standing in his field http://i. imgur. com/2Yn4qxr","jpg" +"I think this was an unintentional dad joke So me and the girlfriend had date night tonight and at one point prior to the movie she talked about how everything is changing and I should know she is afraid of change. Shortly after the movie as we pull out of the theatre I reach into the handle of the car door and grab a couple coins and toss them at her while she's posting how great the movie was. She gets startled and does a Eep I immediately just go hmm","I guess you are afraid of change and she just sighs in aggravation" +"Got my step dad with this one D: The light blew M: Really","It doesn't look blue He didn't get it" +"I recently gave a large sum of money to a corn farmer","It was a major stalk investment" +"Why won't cannibals eat clowns","because they taste funny" +"Did you know 6 out of 7 dwarfs","Are not happy" +"Sitting on the couch next to my dad Me: *moving phone around in pocket cause it doesn't feel right* Dad: What are you doin down there. Me: I'm moving my phone cause it's uncomfortable. Dad: How do you know","Did you ask it" +"My wife, looking for a phone charger said Where did the chargers go. They moved to LA I replied","(We live in San Diego" +"My dad just texted me this:","During this time of a quarantine, please restrict your jokes to inside jokes only." +"Dad, there is a monster undery my bed [https://imgur. com/a/lb49ME6](https://imgur","com/a/lb49ME6)" +"What do you call a polar bear with earmuffs on. Anything you want","They can't hear you" +"Thanos made it to the front page with 2 words. Prequelmemes made it with 1. StarTrekGifs made it with 0 words. Can we make it with negative","Negative" +"My son has to pay me 25 cents every time he uses poorly worded sentences","It’s the syntax" +"What do you call a dog that can do magic","A Labracadabrador" +"I knew a guy that was so fast","he kept running into himself" +"My wife just asked me if I would change our 1 month old son. I told her I liked the one we have","I think I’m starting to get this being a dad thing" +"I left the door open and my wife asked if I was born in a tent","I said Of course not honey, I was born in a hospital with automatic doors" +"What do you call a Chinese athlete caught cheating","Do Ping" +"What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants","One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean" +"A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer,","And a mop." +"Had this text exchange with my boss today. Me: Hey boss, Pedro was moving some boxes and somehow a hand truck fell over and hit him in the face. I think his nose is broken.   Boss: Jesus. Me: No, Pedro","  Boss: /facepalm" +"Every time I stubbed my toe as a kid My dad would ask if he should call a toe truck. Every. Damn","Time" +"Don't click this,","I've written something horrible something horrible" +"Why did the nursing home smell","Because it was filled with Old Farts" +"What kind of key opens no doors","A Turkey" +"Why did the mammoths go extinct","There wasn't any sirroths" +"Novelty Mom: Do you want to sip some of this new tea I bought while you finish reading that chapter. Me: *sips tea* Wow this really is a novel-tea. Mom: *Groans* Me: Heh","Worth" +"How do you make holy water","You boil the hell out of it" +"How many birds does it take to screw in a lightbulb","Preferably three, but toucan" +"How effective is a poorly tied knot","It's knot that effective" +"Belle is the kinkiest. Disney. Princess by far. She's into","Beastiality" +"So we're driving through Kansas city. My dad is asking questions about a barbecue place my sister found. >Dad: Do they sell barbecue sauce. >Sis: They have a picture of bottles on the Google page. >Dad: OK. Are they open. >Sis: No","They're packaged" +"Came home for the weekend to find this exchange between my parents [It's a pizza cutter. ](https://i. imgur. com/7REcNc8","jpg)" +"Why did the banker quit his job","He lost interest" +"An astronaut refused to come back to earth to see his girlfriend","He said he needed some space" +"I tried to go on slimshady. com, but it turns out that the US government has taken it over","They are citing Eminem Domain" +"No matter how kind you are…","……German children are kinder" +"Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today","But it’s definitely up there" +"What is a snakes favorite place to live","Missssissssipi" +"Dad saw an opportunity and went for it. Context: My mom (a 5th-grade teacher) was grading papers one evening. Dad was helping. I'm a college student, had visited for a bit, and was on my way back to school. Mom said, jokingly, You know you want to stay and sort papers. Yeah. dad said. It'll be like we're all part of a conSORTium. . It took me a second, but I cringed","Dad laughed to himself for the rest of the evening" +"Why is Saturday the crappiest day of the week","It has a turd in it" +"What do you call a dinosaur with spots on his mouth","A canker-sore-us" +"Why do ships in the Norway Navy have bar codes on the side. So when they come back to port they can","scandinavian" +"What do Lawyers wear to work","Lawsuits" +"What do you call a woman standing between two goal posts","Anette" +"Rats are under rated","Just check your dictionary" +"Why does a chicken coupe only have 2 doors","If it had 4 it’d be a chicken sedan" +"My wife asked me if I wanted to go to a Middle Eastern country that borders Saudi Arabia","I said Yemen" +"I once ate two pieces of rope and when I passed them out the other end they were tied together. Impossible I here you say","I shit you knot" +"So my wife is getting over a bad cold. Conjestion, coughing, the works. She was getting moving for work this morning and I met her coming out of the bathroom. Me: I can so tell you're into funeral homes. Wife: *cough* . What. Me: Because you're just a coughin'","Wife: *pre-coffee eyeroll and groan* EDIT: Formatting" +"Today","I got a universal remote 'wow this changes everything'" +"To the guy that stole my glasses","I will find you, I have contacts" +"What’s brown and sounds like a bell","Dung" +"In times like these, laughter is essential. I don't have much, but for the ever vigilant mod team and you, the subscribers of /r/DadJokes, please allow me to offer this open letter","**C**" +"Dadjoked at chilis today Stepmother: its so cold in here Patron: yeah we are sitting right under the vents","Dad: thats why its called chilis" +"My friend asked me if I knew why Dwarves are so good at Math. Me: No. why","Him: Because it's the little things that count" +"If jesus had low self-esteem. Would it be considered blasphemy since he didn't believe in himself","(Thanks Bloodhound Gang)" +"I got my daughter while she watching me do the dishes She saw me washing a whisk and asked if it was my whisk. I said yes, and she asked if the other one was mama's whisk. I said, Well, we share all the whisks - and the wewards","My wife just shook her head at me" +"The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference","He acquired his size from too much pi" +"I got Dad joked for Father’s Day. To start, I’m a pretty big dude and sweat easily. At home, I have a big tower fan aimed at me 24/7. My wife hates the fan and it’s often a topic of “discussion”. This morning, my wife gave me the heads up that my 7 yo son’s card was all his idea. The card he made had a very detailed drawing of my tower fan on the front. I looked at it confusedly and opened it up to read: “Dad, you are FANtastic. ” Best Father’s Day ever","" +"What do you call a dad that has fallen through the ice","a popsicle" +"There are 2 types of people in the world. Those who are consistent b","Those who aren't" +",,,,,","Chameleon" +"Two jokes, similar punchlines What do you call a restaurant that sells sexy soups. A Brothel. What do you call a restaurant that sells soup in lingerie","A Brathel" +"A dad joke So a pirate walks into a bar, and there’s a steering wheel sticking out of his crotch. He goes up to the bartender and the bartender says “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel sticking out of your crotch","” The pirate says, “I know, it’s drivin’ me nuts" +"My kids asked me if the only reason. I married their mommy was because she's such a great soccer player…","I replied, Well, there's that and the fact that she's a keeper!" +"What will you do if The Flash dies","You Barry him" +"I have an irrational fear of Blu-ray players","I just find them disc-inserting" +"I took off the shell of my snail to make him go faster","but now he is more sluggish" +"What's the difference between dad humor and 3am humor","Timing" +"All the geeks were trying to get big curly hair, but only the first one to the salon was allowed in","The early nerd gets the perm" +"Asked the barista if the dark roast was good. Barista:","Some people say it tastes like dirt, but what do they expect, it was ground this morning." +"Why couldn't the coast guard rescue the hippie","Because he was too far out" +"Coworker: Sorry I’m late. Nobody told me about this meeting. Me: Communication problems in the department","It’s the first I’m hearing about it" +"My professor had a good one today. Someone in my class has a Mac with a Bernie Sanders sticker on it. He was answering one of her questions and told her to type it on her Bernie Mac","" +"I really walked right into this http://i. imgur. com/QW6kjR7","jpg" +"My wife just finished her 40 week body building program. She lost 8 pounds and 1 oz, and gained a new family member. I'm officially a father and step father","Woohoo" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school","It's fine he woke up" +"Why didn’t ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions","To avoid cross contamination" +"What do you call a dog without legs","Nothing, it won't come when you call anyways" +"A termite walks into a bar. He sits down and asks","Is the bar tender here" +"These pants are like a cheap hotel","There's no ballroom" +"When someone mentions r/dadjokes in the joke","You know you've meta real dad." +"Dr Frankenstein once went to a body building competition","It was all a terrible misunderstanding" +"Felt My dad walks over and feels my shirt, is that felt. No","Well it's felt now" +"If you chop down a tree in the forest, but it doesn't understand why you cut it down","Do you think its stumped" +"Recently, monkeys escaped from an animal testing lab and broke into the adjacent chemistry lab. Some ingested potassium metal and exploded","There were Rhesus pieces everywhere" +"Did you hear what happened to the Turkey. He didn't Czech his flight plans & ended up in Greece","Unfortunately, people were Hungary" +"Dad, can you tell me what is a solar eclipse","No sun" +"My son asked me, can I have a book mark","I said jesus christ son, my name is Dave" +"What do u call a chicken staring at a bowl of lettuce","A chicken seesa salad" +"What do call a horse with alot of money","Stable" +"I'm not a huge fan of mules","They're just half-assed horses" +"I was going to make a joke about my broken GPS","But I couldn't see where I was going with it" +"What do you call a meat eating king. A","Tsar-nivore" +"Yesterday I ate two, pieces of string and they came, out tied","I shit you, knot" +"I saw a UPS truck the other day","I guess I know the ups and downs of Connecticut" +"If anyone needs an ark,. I","Noah guy" +"My neighbor tried to attack me with a picket rail. So","I punched him in defense" +"My friend asked me how steep the pool gets at certain points","I said, “It really deep ends" +"Doctor:. I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon. Me","Why?" +"What happens when you eat a ball of aluminum foil","You sheet metal" +"I've been talking to a botanist on Tinder","I'm not looking for anything serious; I just want to get in her plants" +"Which day is truly Soldiers' Day","March 4th" +"A cheese factory exploded in France earlier today","Authorities found nothing but de Brie" +"Took my daughter shopping for a new sleeping bag. I kept telling her to be quiet so we don't wake them up","she's 5; still had quite enough of these shenanigans" +"How do you circumcise a whale","Send down four skin divers" +"There once was a comedian. Who wanted to perform, but that evening it was pouring with rain","Fortunately the comedian only told inside-jokes" +"Bill Bryson's dad vs the San Andreas Fault I went and saw author [Bill Bryson](http://en. wikipedia. org/wiki/Bill_Bryson) speak last night and he told us how his dad used to make the most wonderful puns. I'll paraphrase best I can: They had traveled from Iowa to California on vacation, and they were driving along the coast. They stopped at an informational plaque at the San Andreas Fault, and his dad walked straight up to the huge crack in the ground and threw a quarter in","When the kids asked why he did that, he simply responded I've always wanted to be generous to a fault" +"How programmers curse","Oh shift" +"Me and my family are on a road trip. After waking up from a long nap, I ask my dad, what state are we in now","He replies, the state of confusion" +"Did you hear that the pony was sick today","He was a little horse" +"OW","A time traveller walks into a bar" +"I never really liked the idea of having a beard","But it grew on me" +"What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody","A lot, there's like 4 movies" +"My kid just chucked a big bottle of omega 3 pills at my head","Luckily my injuries were just super fish oil" +"Did you get a hair cut","Dad: No, I got them all cut" +"What do you call a man with no nose and no body","Nobody nose" +"What happens when the CIA go to sleep. They go","undercover" +"People say the appendix is a useless organ","But how are you meant to find yourself within if you don't have one" +"My daughter was chasing her Peppa Pig toys with her toy dinosaur. I looked over to my wife and said “Look","” “It’s Jurassic Pork" +"My 6 year old son tells me today Him: You know the thing about Mississippi right. Me: What's that","Him: She's married" +"Did you ever hear of the backup baby","He was named Justin Case" +"I got my hair cut by a. Jamaican barber","It was dreadful" +"Which country’s capital is the fastest growing. Ireland’s","- Every year it’s Dublin" +"I don't understand why horse drawn carriages were/are so popular","Even a toddler can manage a pencil better than a horse" +"Never Trust Stairs I can never trust the stairs","They're always up to something" +"Where do you see yourself in 10 years","In a mirror" +"What do you call a magical dog","Labra-cadabra-dor" +"I recently met a group of female, Canadian college students","They were part of a sorryority" +"I thought. I broke my leg when. I tripped over a box of. Kleenex last night","But the doctor said it's only tissue damage." +"I said to my dad yesterday, That doesn't look like our mail person","My dad says, That's because it's a female person" +"Bought a new stationary bicycle the other day","It's made out of envelopes" +"What does mario like to wear","Denim denim denim" +"Co-worker got me good I was google searching for water pipes between counties Me: why do all of these links include something about frozen water","Coworker: oh that's hard water" +"This joke contains Spoilers [](http://imgur","com/a/w76C0)" +"I think this sub is dying","There hasn't been a post all year" +"Dad. How do you get water out of the ground","Well" +"My wife frequently gets a stuffy nose. She always says I can't breathe to which","I always respond I know, you take my breath away too" +"My dad just dropped this one as I'm trying to locate a magizine to roll up Me: Ew Dad there's a beetle on the wall. Dad: Wait which one. Me: The wall right across from me. Dad: No. Which Beatle. Ringo. John","He hasn't stopped laughing and won't help me get the beetle" +"A young boy was playing baseball by himself. He threw his ball in the air then swung at it with his bat. MISS. He picked up the ball, threw it, and swung again. MISS. Once more he picked up his ball, tossed it up, and swung. MISS","Then he said, I'm the best pitcher in the world" +"A coworker kept making fun of me because I have no sense of direction","Finally, his teasing became so bad that I got left down and right" +"My wife asked me to spray ant poison. I didn't do it because","I didn't want my uncle to feel bad." +"So little Johnny was stung by a bee… And he ran inside screaming Mommy mommy I've been stung by a bee. So Johnny's mother says, Oh calm down, lets put some cream on it At this Little Johnny replies But how. It must be miles away by now. *Badum* *Tsssss* My dad absolutely LOVES this joke, and he tells it to EVERYBODY, at first some people look at him confused but after a second or two everybody gets it and laughs, I swear to god Every. Damn. Time","And I love it" +"My Yik Yak feed delivers http://i. imgur. com/LT5FoFE","png" +"What did daddy spider say to baby spider","You spend too much time on the web" +"I once asked my dad why he never made cheesy dad jokes","He didn't respond because he left my mother 4 years ago." +"niceonedad. com [niceonedad. com](http://niceonedad","com)" +"Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth","It’s pasteurized before you even see it" +"While talking religion with my Dad. Dad: what is the devil's favorite bone. Me: Ummmm. Dad: the blas-femur. Me: . is nothing sacred","*ninja edit for line spacing*" +"Me to cop: You cant arrest me. I have a marathon to run","Cop: Stop playing the race card" +"I sure hope it doesn’t rain tonight on Halloween","That will certainly dampen the spirits" +"Why did the stadium get so hot before the game","because the players were warming up" +"There's people outside. My dad came inside looking concerned. He exclaimed, There's people outside. So my mom and I walked outside to see what he was talking about. We didn't see anybody so my mom asked, Where","To which my dad replied, Everywhere" +"My mum dadjoked my girlfriend after work. So my girlfriend had gotten back from work and we were on Skype for around 20 minutes. My mother gets back and comes upstairs to talk to me about work tomorrow and my current cough. Me:''Say 'hi' really loud'' (As my headset was still plugged in) Mother to my GF: ''Hi really loud'' My girlfriend proceeds to laugh with the occasional snort while I sigh","Dammit mum" +"What language do Elves learn","The Elf abet" +"What did the abused sheep day to the farmer. Baby don't herd me, don't herd me, no more","Edit: I fucked up the title, I know" +"Today this guy at work asked me for a cigarette lighter… I said, “Of course, give me your pack. ” He handed over his pack of cigarettes and I took one out and gave it him back saying, “There you go. ” “What’s that. ” he said, all confused","I said, “It’s a cigarette lighter" +"What do you get when lightning strikes a pecan tree","Nuts and Bolts" +"I bet. Waldos parents","Are worried sick" +"My girlfriend was talking about her breakfast this morning She said These Cheerios taste bad","I think I'm going to throw out the box So I replied Well what are you going to do with the Cheerios" +"A man goes to a zoo, but the only animals in the entire zoo are canines","This zoo has really gone to the dogs" +"After. I was hospitalized for falling down the hole. I was digging for water, my wife sent me a to-do list instead of a card","It just said Get well soon" +"Any time you ask a Spaniard a question you can be sure to get a straight yes or no answer","Nobody expects the Spanish indecision" +"I finally kicked my son out of the house. He wasn’t happy about it","5 year olds are always such crybabies" +"Did you hear about the man who collected watches","He had a lot of time on his hands" +"How do you make a waterbed bouncier","Use spring water" +"What do you call a denim expert","A jeanius" +"A sandwich walks into a bar","Bartender says I'm sorry, we don't serve lunch here" +"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy","I don't know and I don't care" +"Time flies like an arrow,","Fruit flies like a banana." +"I am typing on two keyboards today","It makes it easier to stereotype" +"Son: Dad, How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb","Dad: Well I'm not sure son, but I'll bet you it's a lot less than it takes to screw in a heavybulb" +"What will happen if you have a wooden car with wooden engine and wooden wheels","It wooden start" +"I overdosed on viagra once;","It was the hardest day of my life." +"My dad when going back to university. Dad: I got an A on my essay","Me: That's really good dad Dad: Yea it's a good start, but what other letters should I use" +"The past, present, and future walked into a bar","It was tense" +"Why was the mathematician late for work","He took the rhombus" +"As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold. I nodded knowingly","“It’s the early signs of typothermia" +"What do police do when there's a fly annoying everyone in the station","Call the swat team" +"an old one from my dad *young cousin fascinatedly inspecting one of our house plants* Uncle Dad, what's this plant called. I think it's called a 'wandering Jew' . Oh, is it dangerous","Yeah, they're not very gentile" +"Never tell a taco a secret","It could spill the beans" +"Will glass coffins become popular","Remains to be seen" +"Every time. me: I'm busy right now, can I call you back","dad: No, call me dad" +"On take your kid to work day. I brought my son to my glue factory","Im not sure why but we really bonded that day" +"My nephew and I saw a huge turtle in my in-laws yard. He took a picture to put on Snapchat","Me: #snappingturtle Nephew: No response" +"What do you call a stick that doesn’t return very well","A stick" +"Dad: Ocean's being real polite today Me: What do you mean the ocean's being polite","Dad: It keeps waving at us Me: *ugh*" +"Got the gas station clerk today I put my goods on the counter and he rings them up. He proceeds to tell me that the total is seven eleven ($7. 11). I look at him sternly and reply, no, this is Chevron","He wasn't nearly as amused as I was" +"What did one hat say to another","You stay here, I'll go on a head" +"Remember that scandal where they used horse meat in lasagna","Good thing it wasn't donkey meat Lots of people would have eaten ass without realizing it" +"Why did the football coach go to the bank","To get his quarterback" +"I really enjoy telling Dad jokes","Sometimes, he'll even laugh" +"A man went to a zoo. All they had to exhibit was a dog","It was a shih tzu" +"I asked my wife to rate my listening skills","I really dont understand why she told me Urinate on a skeleton" +"You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married. because she wasn't my wife until we were married","One of my dad's favorites" +"Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells","Because she can’t fit D-shells" +"My friend is my dad Me while eating wok: I can't get through to my noodles","Friend: Have you tried talking to them" +"The leader of a small settlement had a good life People were greeting him on the street and were willing to help him when needed. He was respected. He was not waiting in line at the supermarket. He had discounts to all shops he visited. He even had priority in choosing which girl to spend the night with. However, soon more people started coming to that place. The settlement became bigger, more like a village. The newcomers actually did not care that much about the leader. He was slowly becoming more irrelevant, more equal to everyone else","He had lost his pre-village" +"Did you hear the joke about the ceiling","It’s over your head" +"My wife asked me to pass her lip balm. I have her super glue by mistake","She’s still not talking to me" +"Fog Just dropped this one on the guy I'm seeing: Him - Did you see the fog this morning. Me - No, I only got up 20 minutes ago so I mist it. He thinks I'm funny because he laughed","I think it might be love ha ha :)" +"What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet","Supplies" +"I got a new job at the needle factory and. I'm frequently late getting home","I get stuck at work a lot." +"Explaining to my dad that I'm running late because of a bathroom emergency. Got dadjoked. Didn't realize I couldn't upload screenshots. Oh well. Had been feeling real stomache virus like. Couldn't eat. felt insanely nauseous yesterday. Never threw up but probably because I slept all day. This morning I was going to go to my parents. I got hit with a case of explosive diarrhea. Conversation below. Me: hey dad I think since I didn't actually throw up yesterday whatever was making me sick is making its way out the other end","Probably more info than you wanted, but just wanted to let you know why I'm running behind Dad: oh I see what you did there TL:DR I unintentionally walked into a dad poop joke" +"How do you not get sunburned","My dad asked me if I knew how to not get a sunburn, so I said: Don't tell your son lame jokes" +"Why don't crabs give to charity","Because they're shellfish" +"Her: For the love of God, stop misquoting Disney songs. Me: No worries","Hakuna Banana" +"Why are fencers so bad at content creation","They always riposte" +"A Train recently Passed through","How can you Tell It's left Tracks behind" +"Knock knock Him: Knock knock Me: Who's there. Him: Who Me: Who: who. Him: Are you an owl","ಠ_ಠ" +"How do you burn a CD","Tell it that it's obsolete" +"The Coffin Joke Three brothers are trick or treating near a shady house. Suddenly, a spider appears on the first brothers arm causing him to scream in shock. This causes the second brother to run away in fear only to get hit over the head by a dead tree branch. The third brother tries to escape but trips over a coffin. Filled with fright, the three brothers decide to go back home before they are stopped by a ghost that informs them, “The items you have encountered today will kill you in exactly 20 years. ” and vanishes into thin air. Understandably, the three brothers were terrified out of their wits and ran back to their house. 20 years later on Halloween, the first brother has booby trapped and spider-proofed his entire house. Unfortunately, he accidently runs into a wall causing a black widow to fall on his arm and killing him. The second brother has prepared for many years and made sure that he was nowhere near any trees. However, he somehow miscalculated by one day and was killed when a lightning bolt struck a tree causing it to fall and crush him. The third brother completely forgot about the ghost’s warning and was having dinner with his wife. His allergies were really acting up that night, so he decided to go to a pharmacy to purchase some allergy medicine. Suddenly, without any warning, the entire store goes dark and a giant coffin appears in front of him, opens up, and starts moving towards him. Remembering his frightful Halloween over 20 years ago, the brother starts desperately throwing everything in sight towards the coffin but to no avail. Now there is nothing else left other than a lone bottle of NyQuil. In one last brave attempt, the brother throws the bottle of NyQuil at the coffin and it miraculously vanishes","Because NyQuil keeps the coffin’ away" +"My friend asked me why their burrito tasted weird","I spilled the beans" +"Which flower is the best greeter","A hi-biscus" +"I just got diagnosed as colorblind","It really came out of the purple" +"Why was the mathematician late for work","She took the rhombus" +"I got my daughter so good today I stunned her into silence My daughter comes home from school and plops down in the chair in front of me hands in her hair Daughter: My Homework is SOO gay Me: I'm glad to hear that it's LGTBY friendly *She gives me a blank stare with a few blinks for about 10 seconds* Daughter: What. Dad. NO. It's not that. I mean it's. Just. no. Me: Oh. so it's happy then. I'm glad your homework had a great day at school","My daughter exhales sharply Daughter: Sure dad, it's Happiest homework ever" +"Dad's joke of the week I little boy asks his grandfather, “Grandpa, can you make a noise like a frog. ” Gramps says, “I think so, why are you asking”","The little boy says, “My mom said when you croak, we can go to Disneyland”" +"I just finished writing my thesis on. Mexican philanthropists","It's a good essay" +"Those. Chinese siblings won't stop destroying each other's property. When will they understand that two","Wongs don't make one right" +"I promised my wife I'd follow her into the afterlife if she died, but it took me longer than expected","Finally, she said when I arrived, you're late" +"Pies are $2. 50 in Jamaica and $3","00 in the Bahamas Those are the pierates of the Caribbean" +"I've suspected my Wife of adding extra soil to our garden, so I confronted her about it, but she just shrugged it off. Hmm","the plot thickens" +"I'm not proud of what I did in the Middle East","Iran" +"The wife and. I have decided we don’t want kids","They’re not taking it very well" +"Why did the chair break when a plank fell on it","It had no lumber support" +"Why did Adel cross the road","To say, Hello From the other side of course" +"There was a kidnapping at my school today","He's alright though, he woke up" +"I love high quality audio as much as the next guy","But I always get so much FLAC for downloading it" +"Hey, have you ever done archery blindfolded. You really should","You don't know what you're missing" +"Why are moon rocks more delicious than Earth rocks","Because they’re meteor" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school","The teacher woke him up" +"What kind of sound does an iguana make","An iguanamatopoeia" +"My 7y/o daughter Dad joked my dad. He just back from driving my grandmother home from visiting her friend at the hospital. She's 87 in great health but does nothing but complain about anything and everything, even though she lives with family and has company all the time. He walks back in the house and says Wow I didn't even hear her complain once. My daughter made the megaphone with her hands and yelled Can you hear me baba","did you go deaf" +"My wife made an egg casserole this morning","I turned to her and said, this looks so good, I could quiche you" +"Why do golfers wear two pants","Incase they get a hole in one" +"I was making salad to go with our spagetti tonight","Its a small kitchen and my dad trying to get to the stove says im just gonna sneak pasta" +"Anon tells a dad joke (x-post /r/4chan) [NSFW] [Happy Fathers Day](http://i. imgur. com/PASh3X0","png)" +"What kind of dog can tell time","A Watchdog" +"What do you call a crustacean that passes the bar","A lawbster" +"(x-post r/jokes) My wife told me that she couldn't turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight","Since she can't look sideways anyways" +"My wife just taught the car a new trick","She got it to roll over yesterday" +"Got dad joked at Guitar Center and it was beautiful. So i made a pit stop at ol' GC to kill off a gift card from Xmas. I needed one of those little plastic egg shakers (musicians will know) and some drum sticks. The two gentlemen were very rad & we stood around shootin' the shit for a bit. Then the one who had my plastic shaker in his hand went to exhibit its shaker-y-ness only for it to fly out of his hands (on accident of course) and nail me in the chest. The other gentleman responded with That's not what he meant by drum throne","I swear I heard angels singing as they descended down a badly played Stairway to Heaven" +"Dancing queen My dad and I were talking about the civil war and the use of slaves and the freedom movement and the such a while ago, (he's a history teacher at the local high school). Dancing Queen came on the radio and he leaned over and said, do you know what people who like this band should be called. Abba-listen-ists and laughed by himself for a solid minute","Please help" +"Born again The other day I was telling my wife that I was thinking about finding god and becoming “born again","” She looked a little perplexed and said “no way” I looked at her and said “Yahweh" +"Not sure if my daughter's a lawyer or a dad My daughter asked me to open a bottle of water for her to drink and I did. She took one sip, then started dumping the water onto the floor. I quickly grabbed the bottle and said, Hey. That's bad","She looked at me and said, No, it's water" +"Why did the chicken take lettuce from the garden","Chicken Sees-A Salad Upon hearing this joke, the guy told it to me emotionally manipulated $15 out of me" +"25 and still getting dad joked. I was discussing my new job in a home improvement chain's distribution center with my dad and told him I unloaded a truck full of blinds","His response, Sounds shady" +"Me: What's the wifi password. Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay. Me: Sure. How much is that. Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password. Bartender: You need to buy a drink first","No spaces, all lowercase" +"What do you call a magic owl","Hoodini" +"As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death","I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps" +"I got my dad at the lunch table. My dad made fried eggs for brunch/lunch. He said You can't beat a good fried egg. I replied Well, no. If you beat it, it would be scrambled","*Cue my grandpa laughing*" +"One of my favorite childhood memories is when my dad used to roll us down the hill inside of a tire","Those were the Goodyears" +"What's blue and not very heavy","Light blue" +"What’s an opticians favourite time of the day","20:20" +"My father is never afraid Grandma: So, you never get afraid","Dad: No, I'm afraid so" +"Happy. Parade. Day","March 4th" +"I’d tell you the one about a postcard without a stamp on it","But you’d never get it" +"Why is binary a better format for dubstep than hex","Because it drops the base" +"Enough of these I don't have 2020 vision jokes","I refuse to make a spectacle of myself" +"Y'all been on r/writingprompts today. u/RamsesThePigeon wrote a story. A beautiful story. https://www. reddit. com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/640uvt/wp_everyone_with_the_same_name_shares_knowledge/","st=J18G0XCC&sh=c6efcb0f" +"I guess I really am my dad's son. Dad: My friend is doing a phd in violin studies. Me: Oh a violin doctor. Yeah he'll get some good connections and be able to pull a few strings. Dad: Yeah but only if he is a well-tuned doctor, and is able to work in harmony with others","Dad: Only then will his treatment be sweet music to the ears" +"What is the nicest smelling German city","Cologne" +"Wife tells me to take something for my headache but I didn't want to. She hands me an Aleve","I said, I can't Aleve this" +"How do pirates measure their height","In *yaards*" +"Dad, I need details Sorry kiddo, I don't have one","Ask the dog" +"How can you tell a vampire has a cold","They start coffin" +"How big are cathedrals","Massive" +"I'm always ripping holes in my blanket. So I crocheted a new one","Now when I rip it, it has less holes" +"I don't trust stairs","They're always up to something" +"To the guy who invented the number zero,","Thanks for nothing!" +"Why did the programmers girlfriend leave him","He had problems committing" +"I tried to pet a wild. Australian dog once. It","Dingo as planned." +"Dadjoked a guest speaker at my school. There's this called [Henry Evans](http://www. telegraph. uk/news/worldnews/antarctica/robert-falcon-scott/10003890/In-the-footsteps-of-Captain-Scott-my-Antarctic-trek. html) who visited my school to talk about his ski trip to the south pole and marine biology. When he asked if anybody had questions I asked: Did you see anything cool. [Everybody](http://i. imgur. com/R6R9Ock. gif) [Me](http://i. imgur. com/5pUw0iF","jpg)" +"Found. Out. Donald. Trump's. Favorite. Form of. Self. Defense. Krav","MAGA" +"Talking about ISIS with my dad My family had a get-together for my grandpa's birthday tonight and ISIS became the topic of the conversation. Aunty: I heard that ISIS is all over the place now. Dad: Yeah, you know where it is. Grandpa: Where. Dad: ISIS in the freezer","Eyerolls and groans everywhere" +"My son just told me that he’s super tired, I said, “which one","soup or tired" +"Dad joked by the waiter At lunch with my grandparents, waiter comes over to ask how our meals were: Grandma What does the dessert menu look like","Waiter Well, it's black, rectangular, about this big" +"My wife asked our 1 year old for a high five. but he didn't feel like it. So, she took his hand and high-fived him anyway and said, I stole I high five","I looked at her disapprovingly and said, That was a *low* five" +"What starts with an O , ends in nions and sometimes makes you cry","Opinions" +"I heard the Kool Aid Man got drafted onto an MLB team","He's quite the Pitcher" +"Why letter D feels sad when you type it on a keyboard","because it is d-pressed" +"Why did the firefly fail his test","He wasn’t very bright" +"There are 10 types of people in this world","People who understand binary and people who don't" +"My grammar may not be the best. But my grandpa loves her all the same","^^^I ^^^lie, ^^^my ^^^nanna ^^^*is* ^^^the ^^^best" +"I started drinking weed infused vodka","It keeps me in high spirits" +"What do you call an annoying bear","Unbearable" +"My wife asked me to pick up some naan on the way home from work today. When. I got home. I told her","I was exhausted from all the naan stop grocery errands she sent me on" +"Did you hear about the midget fortune teller that killed her client","She was a small medium at large" +"Heard this groaner from a friend the other day What type of band plays snappy music","A rubber band" +"Recently, I have started gardening and started to plant all my herbs in alphabetical order. People often ask how I find the time","I tell them “it’s next to the sage”" +"When your dad's a philosophy professor. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks You're in here a lot, are you an alcoholic. The horse ponders for a moment, then responds I don't think I am and POOF. The horse disappears","See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of I think; therefore I am , but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse" +"What did the blacksmith say to the knight when he delivered the knight's new armor","*You*'*ve got mail*" +"Why did the Muslim get a speeding ticket during Ramadan","He was going to fast" +"What's half way between good and evil","Medival" +"I'm so sick of my job at the hospital","Well you know you gotta have a lot of patients for that" +"If Spider-man didn't have all that Web stuff going on","he would just be Peter Parkour" +"Where do you go to weigh a pie","Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie" +"Today,. I asked this grandpa if he found everything okay when ringing up his groceries. He said, No,","I wasn't looking for everything." +"Do you know the worst thing about the fire in Paris","There's Notre Dame thing we can do about it" +"I stepped on a grape today","It let out a little wine" +"My dad tells people his name is Sam at every restaurant we go to so when they call his name he can say Sam I am He does this at every restaurant","He has been going to the same Starbucks for about 7 years now and to this day they still think his name is Sam" +"Parent Teacher Conference (implications NSFW) My dad tells my mom I'm looking forward to the parent teacher confrence My mom says oh yeah, when is that. My dad says Wednesday night with a big smile","My youngest 2 siblings are homeschooled" +"What does a clock do when it's hungry","Goes back four seconds" +"I found a fossil today","Not worth much money, but it has sedimental value" +"What do you call a word that describes a father","A dadjective" +"Where are average things manufactured","The satisfactory" +"Is the WWE doing laundry","Because I'm seeing way too many clotheslines" +"I found a website that is just a slideshow of dad jokes http://niceonedad","com/ it is a great website" +"Family of tomatoes is crossing the street Dad tomato, mom tomato and son tomato","Son tomato is going too slow so his dad slaps him and says ketchup" +"I was at the store deciding between a saltwater aquarium and a houseplant to decorate my home. I finally settled on a beautiful fern","I said to my wife, With fronds like these, who needs anemones" +"So my dad was downloading photos to his phone. He has an app that allows him to view photos he's scanned into his computer on his phone, and he can download them if he wants. Him: How much data does downloading a photo use","Me: Depends on the size of the photo Him: Like a five by seven" +"Last night they had a seminar on how to withhold orgasms","Nobody came" +"A man walks into a prosthetic store and attempts to rob it","Lucky for him, everyone inside was unarmed" +"What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter","An Irrelephant" +"Do you know what seems odd to me","Numbers that aren't devisable by 2" +"Took my kid to the farm for the first time. I grew up on the farm, but my son was a city boy. We get there: Son: I smell butt. Me: No, you smell dairy air","He rolled his eyes, but I think I thought I heard him chuckle under his breath" +"I forgot to bring my see-through ruler to work with me today","I clearly wasn't thinking straight" +"If somebody tries to swear, but only knows really weak cuss words, it’s not profanity","That’s amateur fanity" +"What if. Cinderella was a baking slave instead of a cleaning slave","Would her name be ‘Mozzarella’?" +"A reporter asked the hunchback of Notre Dame “when did you realise you were different to everyone else","” I guess I always had a hunch" +"Me:. I would rather drink out of a straw, than straight from the cup","Dad: straws are for suckers!" +"A good friend texted me: I just installed my Air Conditioner","I replied: Cool" +"What do you do to a elephant with three balls","Walk him and pitch to the hippopotamus" +"If it ever rains cats and dogs","Don't step in a poodle" +"Want to hear a joke about construction","I'm still working on it" +"I got my dad with this one. Dad: Is your bed made. Me: Yes. *Knowing better, he checks my room to make sure. * Dad: No, it's not. Me: Yes it is","It's made in China" +"I took that job as the head of Old McDonald’s farm","Now I’m the CIEIO" +"Pompeii Dad struck again while watching Pompeii. The title screen came up saying POMPEII Pompy 2. Did we miss Pompy 1","Groans insued" +"Why did the scarecrow get a promotion","Because he was outstanding in his field" +"How come nobody laughs at sheep jokes","Because they're baaaaaaaad" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping in the Louisiana swamp yesterday","Good thing he woke up before it got dark" +"What is the most common exclamation in India","Holy cow" +"Back in the day before recliners were invented","People weren't very laid back" +"It's frustrating how hard it is to schedule a dentist appointment sometimes","It's like pulling teeth" +"Did you hear about the inmate that stuttered","He never finished his sentence" +"I have my grandma on speed-dial. Call it","Instagram" +"What concert costs 45 cents. What concert costs 45 cents","50 cent featuring nickelback" +"What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek","If we stick together we can stop this crap" +"My daughter said the only thing she wants for her birthday this year is “Pokémon Sword” [I can’t wait to see her excited face when she opens her present this weekend](https://imgur","com/a/IS5RIGT)" +"*slow clap* For the guy who posted this beauty of a comment. [Careful, the image is NSFW](https://www. reddit","com/r/WTF/comments/6je4cd/smuggling_hummingbirds/djdso8m/)" +"You know where the Torah mentions baseball. In the big inning","Thanks dad" +"How does Bono spell the word color","With or without u" +"I have a friend who was born on May 7th. Every year for his birthday I re-gift him a pristine 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it, but I have a perfect record","It might be stupid, but it's a perfect 5/7, wood repost again" +"What fruit always has a traditional marriage","Cantaloupe" +"A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, he had to take an eye exam. The optometrist showed him a card: 'C Z W 1 X N 0 S T 4 C Z. ' 'Can you read this. ' the optometrist asked. 'Read it. ' the Polish guy replied","“I know the guy”" +"If you are a grammar fanatic, you should really read this article","the" +"So a farmer has trouble telling his two horses apart. He cuts the tail of one of them and that works for awhile, but it eventually grows back. So he cuts the mane off the other one and that works, too, but that grows back and once again he is stuck. Finally he decides to measure the horses and discovers that the black one is a foot taller than the white one","[real joke told to me by my dad]" +"Sony, Panasonic, Toshiba","They're all stereo types" +"So it turns out dogs can't read MRIs","Cats can" +"I joined Wait Watchers","Got access to a webcam in the DMV lobby" +"My dad had this marine themed anti-vaxxer zinger last night. We were watching a documentary about the ocean. At one point they described the process of clown fish vaccinating themselves to the sting of the anemone by exposing themselves to it from birth","My dad: Jenny McCarpy is outraged" +"What do you get when a dragon sneezes","Out of the way" +"Why should you never use a dull pencil","It’s pointless" +"A clown offered to share the taxi","I thought it was a nice jester" +"So my dad just died because he needed blood and we didn’t know his blood type. He was so brave and even tried to encourage us, the family around him, with his last breaths","He kept whispering to us to Be Positive" +"If you build a man a fire he will be warm for a day","If you set a man on fire he will be warm for the rest of his life" +"What do you call a laughing deer","Amoosed" +"Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change colors","He had a reptile disfunction" +"I Had A Chance To Make THE Dad Joke (x/post from r/WeHaveConcerns) I had a quintessential moment that I never thought would come. My family and I were at church, and my son comes over and pokes at me to get my attention. I lean in close, and he says I'm hungry. My response. Hello Hungry. I'm Dad, how are you. Needless to say, there were some folks who were unimpressed with us trying to stifle our laughter. or my pride that he thought it was funny","Got to start 'em young" +"Dad joked my roommate good this morning. While I was eating breakfast my roommate came out and asked, Can I use your hair dryer. Mine sucks. To which I, of course, have to respond, Shouldn't it blow. She only rolled her eyes and walked away","I think this might have something to do with why she avoids me in public places" +"This random guy mooned me today","Man, what an asshole" +"Another bad Dad Joke. What sucks but is a good thing","Vacuum cleaners" +"Those pants look like a cheap hotel No ballroom","I'll show myself out" +"What type of deer do you get when it's starry outside","Starbucks" +"So a bear walks into the bar and says I'll have a","[insert beverage here] And the bartender replies with Why the big paws" +"Hey dad, what's a bastard. My younger brother is reading a book, and asks Hey dad, what's a bastard","To which my dad replies, a bass turd is fish crap" +"Why can't you trust yoga instructors","Because everything they do is quite a stretch" +"What’s the opposite of lady fingers","Mentos" +"Overheard two guys talking about their favorite lift . One says bench press the other says dead","As I walk by I say elevator" +"What's postman's Pats name when he retires","Pat" +"Why do mountains never get cold","Because they have snow-caps" +"my boyfriend (who is a dad) just got me. him: hey did you hear there was a kidnapping in *his sons school*. I didn't tell you. me: no. are you serious. him: yeah, but it's okay. he woke up","me: -_-" +"Double dad jokes at coldstone As we order our ice cream, my parents, girlfriend and I. Gf to dad: French vanilla huh. Fancy Dad: Oui. *Groans heard around the store* Dad: Ha","I'm funny Mom: yeah, funny lookin'" +"I told my g/f she looks average She said I am mean","As if she reused what I JUST said" +"Why was frosty inspecting the carrots at the grocery store. He was picking his nose","(My dad literally just told this at Christmas dinner" +"I hate explaining puns to kleptomaniacs","Because they take things literally" +"I got arrested for stealing kitchen utensils","It was worth the wisk" +"What happened to the short-sighted circumcisionist","He got the sack" +"I'm so good at sleeping","I can do it with my eyes closed." +"I'm dyslexic and I accidentally boarded the wrong method of public transportation","Oops, wrong sub" +"Finally got use use my favorite dad joke While my girlfriend and I were paying for our groceries, the cashier asked Do you want the milk in a bag","I said It's okay, you can leave it in the jug" +"I stole my partner's mug yesterday Me: I stole your mug when I had hot chocolate today. Partner: :( Me: I guess one could say that you've been mugged","Partner:" +"What do you call a killer with 2 butts","An assassin" +"I warned my son to never look at porn","It's a boobie trap" +"My dad in the car While in the car, I played some music a friend of mine has produced. I made a gesture towards the speakers and said: That's *name of my friend*. Without batting an eye, he replied: No, that's a Toyota",", and chuckled" +"There’s a hair salon down the street that does a perm and color while you take a nap","It’s called “Curl Up & Dye”" +"German guy in my chat got me while streaming on Twitch While I was streaming Skyrim, my character got killed by a Giant","German guy goes: Don't be sad about your character because sad is just das spelled backwards and das is not good" +"I quit my job today. I want to start cleaning mirrors","It's something I see myself doing" +"I have a dog with no legs called Cigarette. Every morning I take him out for a drag","Thank you" +"Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in mud, and cross the road again","It was a dirty double crosser" +"Trying to wake my son up a little early. We are trying to get up a little earlier so our mornings aren't so stressed. My son was not waking up no matter how many times I poked and tugged at him. I said Come on son time to get up. He kind of stirred, I continued, Remember we said we were going to start waking up a little earlier so we are not ***rushin*** in the morning. He rolled over and said Nyet. then went back to sleep. ** thanks for the up votes","Edited out the g from rushing, and added bold and italics to make it easier" +"Daughter and I just landed in Santiago. I told her to dress warm","it's Chile out here" +"When the Nissan X-Terra came out. A commercial was on for the Nissan X-Terra. Dad said Hey I have one of those. My mom's name is Tara","They were divorced" +"My Vietnamese driver told me several riddles yesterday, do you know what they were. First off a six-parter 1. If there are 500 rocks on a plane and you throw one out, how many are left. A: 499 2. How do you get an elephant into a fridge. This is a three part process A: open the door, put in the elephant, close the door. How do you get a giraffe into a fridge. This is a four part process A: open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the door. All the animals go to heaven for a meeting, but one can't come, why not. A: the giraffe, it's in the fridge. A weak old lady has to cross a river full of alligators, how does she get across. A: the alligators are at the meeting in heaven. As soon as the old lady gets across the river she dies, how. A: the rock fell on her head. No 2 A real cool guy walks into a cafe. He wearing sunglasses, tidy haircut, but just a super cool guy all round. He orders a glass of condensed milk and puts it on his table. Next time the waitress walks past he asks for a glass of black coffee. Now he has a glass of milk and a glass of coffee next to each other, this guy is real cool. Next time the waitress walks past he orders a glass of ice. She's happy to do that for this dude because he is so cool. He mixes the milk and coffee with the ice and stirs with his little spoon. Looks good. The old man that owns the cafe walks up to him and says, 'I see your in the Navy . How did he know. A: he was wearing a naval uniform","Anyone know similar nonsense" +"Do you have any letters for me, Mum. Mum: No, sorry. Nothing came this morning","Dad: p q r s t and o" +"Dad just sprung this one on me Hey, I'm going to do some errands. Ok sounds good I'll be here Do you know where I'm going to do those errands. No, where. At the Errand Space Museum and then he did his patented Dad Fake Laugh and walked out the door","God dammit" +"What do you call a sleepwalking nun","A Roman Catholic (I'll show myself out)" +"My mom was wondering aloud what to do for my dad's 60th birthday. Her: Can you believe he's going to be 60. How did I marry such an old man. Me: Well, I mean, aren't you gonna. Her: What, are you going to say in 2 years I'll be 60 too. Dad: Well no dear that's not right. In 2 years you'll be 60, in 4 years you'll be 62. Everyone groans, I chuckle as I reach for my phone","So proud of the old-timer" +"Either nobody heard it or they refused to acknowledge it. While trying to identify a tree in the yard, somebody asked, Is that an ash tree","I said, If you burn it" +"Dad said it wasn't funny, my tears of laughter said otherwise My family and I are going to Greek Town this weekend Dad - What do you normally get at Greek restaurants","Me - I dunno, I look at the menu and it is all Greek to me" +"What kind of car did Jesus drive. He drove a Honda, but he didn't like it. Because he never spoke of his own Accord","Just kidding he drove a Christ-ler" +"Driving through farmland with the family, my dad randomly says “Hey look. A whole flock of cows. ” My uncle corrects him: “Herd of cows. ” Dad: “Of course I’ve heard of cows. Look","They’re all over the damn place" +"Some people like dogs, some like cats, heard about the pope","Turns out he's a cat-holic" +"I just broke up with my gym today","We just weren’t working out" +"Why did the Mexican take Xanax","For Hispanic attacks" +"Got this from a SEAL Knock Knock. Who's there. Theodore. Theodore who","Theodore is locked" +"Have you seen the movie Constipation. No","That's because it hasn't come out yet" +"My friend's classic way of setting me up with random people. He asks them to feel my jacket/shirt/whatever I'm wearing. He then asks if they recognise the fabric","When they respond with no, he'll tell them: That's boyfriend material" +"Every time we have a family dinner my grandfather says a prayer. The salad looks delicious","I can't wait, lettuce eat" +"Home Depot checkout line is as good a place as any for a dad joke I needed to run to Home Depot just a little while ago, and my eight year old son has been driving my wife insane, so he was sent with me. He asked a hundred questions about what tool does what and why I needed this or that. Despite my distracted supervision, he surely mixed up several loose nuts and bolts. At the exit of the self checkout line, there's a massive gumball machine that holds massive gumballs. I rarely carry change, so he's out of luck. Sonny Boy: Dad, can I have a quarter. Me (checking out): Nope. Don't have one. Sonny Boy: You don't have *any* cents. Me: If I had any cents, I'd have left you at home tonight. No, he didn't get it, and I'm shocked he set it up so well by saying cents. But, the dude in the line next to me let out a solid guffaw. We made the satisfying, knowing eye contact of two dad joke aficionados","I'm glad someone else heard it" +"When you have a PhD, every meeting you go to is","A doctor's appointment" +"Driving Instructions So yesterday I was giving my dad directions while he was driving and I told him to take a right at the next light. The street he happened to be turning onto was called Dwight so he answers back: At Da wight","Yes dad" +"To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you","You have my Word" +"My neighbor stole my dictionary","I have no words" +"Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E","Because he had a vowel movement" +"I'm not sure why. I like bananas","I just find them strangely appealing" +"My boy got creeped out at the great lakes. He said it was too","Erie for him" +"A horse walks into a bar The bartender says, “hey","” The horse replies, “yes please" +"Do I enjoy making courthouse puns","Guilty" +"Okay so recently. I sued a airport about luggage security. Yeah,","I lost my case." +"If you can't find a restroom","Urine trouble" +"Dad joked by my grandma. Traveling on the freeway when we hit some bumps in the road. Mom:. Oh sorry about the bumps","Grandma: oh it's not your fault, it's *asphalt*" +"You know what really sucks","A good vacuum cleaner" +"Sherlock Holmes and John Watson are stranded on a deserted island Sherlock says: We need to get off of this island","Watson says: No ship, Sherlock" +"I was gonna tell a joke about spandex","But it would’ve been a stretch" +"I've learned from the best. Scene: Mum, Dad, and I, at party/bonfire thing, sitting outside in a gazebo, attempting to enjoy the relaxing night. Wind is making things rather chilly. Mum (wrapped in blanket): It would be rather nice if it wasn't so cold. &#42;sighs&#42; This wind sucks. Dad and I, simultaneously: No, it blows","&#42;high-five&#42;" +"Why is fishing so popular","It has a great allure" +"My wife asked me to stop singing 'Im a believer' by the Monkees. She said she found it annoying. At first I thought she was kidding","But then I saw her face" +"My favorite dad joke. Son: Daddy, what does gay mean. Dad: It means to be happy Son: Daddy, are you gay","Dad: No son, I have a wife" +"I feel sorry for single socks","They’ve lost their sole mate" +"Everyone should try tying their partner up at some point in the relationship","It's a great bonding experience" +"May the 4th be with you for today, but remember","Tomorrow will be Revenge of the 5th" +"Why did the train love bubble gum. Cause it was a chew chew","I got a daughter otw, and the gf got me a book of dad jokes, more to come" +"What do you call a fake noodle","An impasta" +"My friend made this joke but I think it still counts. I was having dinner with about 6 friends. I was boasting about some game we all play and that I was the best at it. When one of my friend asks me; Do you want me to pull up a chair and plate for you ego. And instantly an other friend says: Naa, he is already full of himself","That was about two years ago and I still hear that joke from time to time" +"My wife and I were discussing buying a house with some land in the future. And she said Yeah if we have stables, we can offer livery services. People pay a lot for that. I said, yeah, and you can also grow some crops, like onions, if we had the land. Long pause","Then you can offer livery and onion services" +"Ajit Pai Pay 3","99 to see punchline" +"What did the propeller say to the movie star. It's nice to meet you","I'm a huge fan" +"Why was the snowman embarrassed to be outside. Because he has snow pants on","The wife is giving me the cold shoulder now" +"My fiance and I were discussing driving the kids down to Disneyland later this year Me: If we go in December, we should take an extra day to check out the cow pastures. Her: Cow pastures. Me: Yeah. In the winter, they have a lot of cool shit","Her: *sigh*" +"A dad story. If you read till the end of this one, I promise you'll hate it. Have I ever told you about the time I nearly died in a plane crash. Well. One dark and stormy night, our cargo plane was loaded with supermarket goods. But we were in trouble. A freak storm had showed up, and our plane was struggling against the hurricane-force winds. After a terrifying hour of this, we lost navigational controls. The pilot had descended to 10,000 feet, and was attempting to search for a safe place to make an emergency landing. But the plane was no match for the fury of the storm. The aircraft was tossed to and fro and the wind threatened to crumple it like a ball of foil. Our fuel was now nearly gone, and the engines were sputtering. As far as we could tell, we were now over some large city. But that was no consolation to us, as we were hurtling to our certain deaths. The captain announced over the comms that everyone should prepare for the worst. The morale of the crewmembers had now drastically fallen. Some of us lay crying in a corner, others had passed out from sheer fear or dread, and still others screamed out desperate prayers in their despair. Everyone, even the captain, had lost hope. Everyone, that is, except for the cargo bay janitor, Steve. Steve just stood there amidst the chaos, rolling with the punches of the relentless wind. As I lay there with my crewmembers, Steve somehow remained standing, and not far off, seemingly without a care in the world. Suddenly, the wind tore a hole in the cargo bay, and four pallets of frozen meat exploded out of it, scattering over the city below. I looked on in horror, imagining the huge slabs of meat destroying rooftops, or smashing pets, children, and vehicles. Steve just watched it all with a smirk. I looked at him, and he, noticing my gaze, turned back with that same wry grin and said: . Now that's what I call a. Wait for it","meatier shower" +"What does a car wear","Attire" +"How does a nun go to bed","Out of habit" +"Dadjoked by lecturer Talking about particle detectors he asked the audience what gases were used in them. No-one has a clue. So","I guess that's hard to gas I was the only one laughing" +"I saw 10 ants running frantically around my room. So I made them a cardboard house","I guess that makes them my tenants" +"I have new found appreciation for the original Pokemon series. Because of moments like [this. ](http://i. imgur. com/j3La4rv","jpg)" +"Dads, remember NYE protocol. Wait till 11:59. Say, See you next year. 3. Turn your back on person. Turn back a minute later. Heeeeey there","If we stick to this, I'm sure we can have a great new year" +"What do you call law enforcement in a large city","Megalopolice" +"Did you hear about the trapeze artist","Caught his wife and another guy in the act" +"My wife said she prefers brown rice","That’s just riceist" +"Why shouldn’t you make a agreement with Wolverine","Because of his retractable clause" +"How did Darth Vader know what he was getting for Christmas","He felt his presents" +"My partner decided to lose quite a bit of weight recently","It was a wife-altering decision" +"I have a fear of speed bumps","But I'm slowly getting over them" +"Dad, after closing the cupboard door and shooting me a panicked look We need to get to the shop, quickly","We're running out of thyme" +"I just can't understand why my calculator stopped working","It just doesn't add up" +"What did the excited gardener do when spring finally came","He wet his plants" +"Why does Tom demand his egg cooked with a perfectly circular yolk","Because he's eggcentric" +"Got my coworker with this one So I'm clocking out for my shift, and my coworker asks, You outta here. I replied, No I actually have a full head of it","He hates me now" +"cup of joe Dad bumped into me as I was walking out of the kitchen almost dropping the cup of coffee in my hands. Watch out Joe","You don't want to spill yourself all over the floor - Dad" +"Why am I always so tired on 1st April","because I’ve just endured a 31 day March" +"The doctor told me my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again","I can’t tell you how upset I am" +"Me: 24 oz. of soda is the same as two cans. My boyfriend: Do you know how to drink two cans. “Put ‘em in the blender and pull out the beaks. ” Yes, he’s a dad","And yes, he was proud of that" +"I keep asking what does. LGBT mean","I can’t even get a straight answer" +"R/vegetarian is such a chill, drama-free sub","They never have any beef" +"Interviewer asked me if I'd be a good waiter","Well, you could say I bring a lot to the table" +"I got tired of fighting straw. So","I hit the hay." +"Currently watching Empire Strikes Back The scene is playing where Luke is hanging upside down and just managed to defeat the beast on Hoth by cutting off its arm. Dad: Well you know why they call it a Wampa now. Me: Why. Dad: Because it only has one-paw","Me: *Uses Force Groan*" +"A boy, who is just starting to be able to speak, told his dad he wanted to join the army","He was told that he’d only make it to the infantry" +"Why does a moon rock taste better than an earth rock","Because it's meatier" +"guy: your clothes are gay me:","I know they just came out of the closet" +"Quote from. Tug. McGraw, baseball hall-of-famer and father of country singer. Tim. McGraw. A reporter once asked. Tug if he preferred playing on grass or. Astroturf. Tug's response: I don't know,. I've never smoked","Astroturf" +"Why are skeletons so calm","Because nothing gets under their skin" +"What do you call a person without a body or a nose","Nobody knows" +"You have reached the pregnancy hotline. If you'd like to speak to a physician, dial 1","if you are currently in labor, dial 8" +"I knew someone who drew a face on a coffee cup","It was one ugly mug" +"I can’t believe they’re still together after all the shit they’ve been through","My bum cheeks" +"My teacher on the first day of school. Alright class please stand. Now raise your left leg. Put it back on the ground. Great, everyone may now sit","Glad we're able to start class on the right foot" +"There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA","The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together" +"How do you measure a snake. In inches they dont have feet","My son told me this one the other day" +"When regularly checking in on my bedridden girlfriend I did my best owl impression, complete with hooting noises and flappy wings, whilst offering tea, backrubs and pillow fluffs. When she finally asked what I was doing I replied my owly check","I'd like to say the groan was due to ailment, but it was all me" +"Every morning when I was in grade school my Dad would blast this song NONSTOP. [Good morning good morning good morning. ](https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=wvA6irTZw38) Everytime the song would restart the complaining from me and my brothers would be drowned out by the laughter of my Dad" +"Why did the pescatarian go to the market","For the halibut" +"My girlfriend, playing a farming game, said “I want my horse stable","” I asked “Why is he wobbling" +"If you had to tell someone their pork was getting cold","you'd be issuing a Ham: Brrrr Alert" +"I can't stand these dad jokes anymore","I think I need to sit down" +"My dad wasn't so much into puns, like most of the ones I see on here, but he definitely had some dad jokes. Back in the day, my dad would lay this one on me often","After we did something together, I don't care what your mother says, you're a great son but the last part would change depending on what we were doing at the time" +"What do you call a lobster who hogs all the fish","Shellfish" +"Why are libraries so strict","Because they have to go by the books" +"What's a. Metaphor. Cows and sheep","Mostly." +"I told my 3yr old daughter I'm tired. Oh. I thought you were daddy","I've never been so proud" +"One of my kid's greens rolled off his dinner plate. Oh look, an escape-pea,","I told him." +"Let’s Trash Talk my pick up is Thursday","how about you" +"If attacked by a mob of clowns","Go for the juggler." +"One day, I hope to make an asbestos removal company","The slogan will be We'll do asbestos we can" +"My 8th grade English teacher got me. My 8th grade English teacher was a huge dad-joker, even though he was like 25 at the time (this was 3 years ago) He was playing at his desk with a ton of rubber bands, making them taut then flicking them to hear their vibration. I asked him what he was doing. He replied, Creating the first song to my new band, we call ourselves the Rubber Band","Not the best, but I certainly groaned" +"I asked my dad why he never goes to the furniture store next door","He said it was too close for comfort." +"You know what the worst part of being constipated is","Your ass doesn't give a shit" +"Why didn't the cannibal eat the clown","Because he tasted funny" +"A three legged dog walks into a saloon and says","I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." +"My 3yr Old Daughter Has Good Dad Joke Instincts We are hanging out and I'm asking her silly questions. I asked, Does a horse say meow . She quickly responded with a big smile. Nay","I'm a proud poppa" +"Archery is great, sure","But it has its drawbacks" +"Why aren’t there any knock-knock jokes about America","Because freedom rings" +"My driving instructor told me to reverse park","I said, Krap" +"What do the star ship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common","They both look for cling ons around Uranus" +"I bought my friend an elephant for his room","He said Thanks I said Don't mention it" +"Me: I've been really obsessed with Deceit lately. GF: What's Deceit","Me: What you're sitting on" +"My son told me he had the ability to transform into pie","I replied, You're irrational." +"Why can't pen stores move","Because they're stationery" +"My fiance's dad is chock full of these. So my fiance was just hanging up a curtain while standing on a bed. As he was getting down from the bed, he hit his head on the light","My fiance's dad didn't skip a beat and said golly, that'll make you light headed" +"My girlfriend said. I had issues","I said no, these are running shoes" +"My friend phoned me. 'I just stole some goatskin,' he said breathlessly, 'and now the police are chasing me. What should I do. ' I said, 'Hide","' He said, 'Yes, that's what goatskin is" +"What did the fish say before commiting murder","I'm gonna GILL you" +"My dad used to encourage us by saying “when one door closes another one opens”. Lovely man","Terrible cabinet maker" +"Dad-joked about hearing loss today I found out yesterday that I have nerve damage in my right ear, and have lost a substantial amount of my hearing in that ear. I was discussing it with my father over lunch when I told him Well, its a shame that now I can't hear RIGHT","I was probably more proud of myself than I should have been" +"Me and my mom got dad joked while watching tv this evening. Mom (watching American Idol): You sure don't see a whole lot of black cowboys on tv","Dad: Sure you do, I saw a whole team of them get their asses kicked last sunday" +"Washington Post Headline: IBM ends campaign urging women to hack hair dryers after heated blowback https://www. washingtonpost. com/news/the-switch/wp/2015/12/08/ibm-ends-campaign-urging-women-to-hack-hair-dryers-after-heated-blowback/","hpid=hp_hp-cards_hp-card-technology%3Ahomepage%2Fcard" +"Did you hear about the two antennas that got married","The ceremony was okay, but the reception was great" +"I once went to a Roman festival of XXX movies, so I went alone","Turns out it was 30 movies" +"Today we tried teaching my six month old son how to hold things","But he wasn’t grasping the concept" +"My boss made me crack up. Did you hear about the midget fortune teller that escaped prison","The headline read small medium at large" +"Jacking up a car. When I was sixteen I had a flat tire. My Dad came out to help jack the car up. When my friend and I had the car jacked up my Dad said. You boys are just like Arnold. I'm going to. jack you up. Words cannot describe how utterly hilarious he though this was. He laughed so hard that he lost control of himself and proceeded to fall over and stayed propped up on a nearby car. He was crying and his face was red","My Dad had a reputation for Dad jokes and was known for this type of behavior, but even this was the most extreme display we ever witness from him" +"When your butt cheeks are different sizes","You're Ass-symmetrical" +"My brother always takes the stairs while I always prefer the elevator. I guess","we are raised differently" +"I stayed up all night last night","And then it dawned on me" +"David:. I lost my id card. David:. I lost my id card. Dad:. So i guess i would have to call you","Dav from now on" +"I was examining my spices when my son tells me soccer starts in 15 minutes. So I said","Well well well, would you look at the thyme" +"Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup","Because one more bean would be too farty" +"What do a backcountry hunter and a high school 100m runner have in common","One goes to track meat, and the other goes to a track meet" +"What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot","'Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times" +"What do you call a blind german soldier in WWII","A 'Not-See' (OC)" +"What do you call a drug sniffing dog","A meth lab" +"How did Harry Potter get down the hill. Walking","JK, rolling" +"Adulting in a. Nutshell:","With great power comes great electricity bill." +"My son slept with a newly homeless girl","He said no hobo afterwards, like I taught him" +"Why couldn't the viking clan replace the boat they lost","They couldn't affjord it" +"Just found out they’re not sending mail to Washington anymore","He’s been dead for over 200 years" +"Dad and I were talking about middle school in the car today. Me: Man kids in middle school were so cruel. Especially the girls. Whenever they grew boobs they acted like the queens of the world and pushed every single person around as much as they pleased","Dad: Yeah, but that was just the tit of the iceberg" +"Customer dadjoked my boss and I tonight. I loved it. His wife and my boss were not amused. So I work at a pizza shop. This middle aged man, typical dad polo shirt, white New Balances, etc. comes in with his wife. They want subs. So my boss is taking their order. She asks him if he wants any cheese on his sub. He responds yeah, that religious stuff . My boss looks up at him confused and says, what. I immediately jump in and say, Swiss. My boss looks even more confused. The guy is smirking and says, yeah, the *holy* kind. His wife lets out the biggest groan as him and I crack up","My boss just shook her head and walked away in disgust" +"Got my. Wife. Yesterday","Honeymoon is going great." +"Would you like your milk in a bag, sir","Nah you can keep it in the carton" +"I handed my daughter money for her allowance as she was sitting on the couch. I said, Do you know what just happened. I just cashed you inside, how bow dah. <She was not impressed with my meme knowledge",">" +"Dadjokesd during SAT practice I was working on SAT vocab with my mom when we got on to a specific word, 'smattering. ' I didn't know this word yet, so I asked, what does smattering mean. Then my dad walked by. My dad: Smattering is what you say to someone who's upset. Me: No it isn't. Dad: Yeah it is","What s'matter with you" +"This protein powder is really working","The more ive been taking, the lighter the bag feels" +"Who would win in a fight. [A damn sandle or Adam Sandler. ](https://scontent. fbcdn. net/v/t1. 0-0/p240x240/14100401_1432364960110843_6843510088288676048_n. jpg","oh=dbe0049c4977b0facc4b322083d64052&oe=585A42F5)" +"What is the blood type of people who are poor at grammar","Typo" +"I like to tell dad jokes, but I don’t have kids","I'm a faux pa" +"Did anyone else see the new documentary on Velcro","It was truly gripping" +"TIL: A few hundred years ago, the boomerang was Australia’s chief export","And import" +"What do you get when you cross dinosaur DNA with Pig DNA. Tyrana-ShortRibs Rex. It's a close relative of the VelSausage Raptor. Basically all of them become Swine-o-saurs","You can find them at Jurassic Pork" +"I heard the Hoover Dam is cutting back on janitors due to budget cuts","It's a dam dirty shame" +"What do you call a swimming pool with a cat in it","A Kitty Pool" +"Why don't orphans play baseball","They don't know where home is" +"Two wrongs don't make a right","But two wrights make an airplane" +"The wife showed me a video of C3PO as the conductor of an orchestra. Me: This is going really well. I guess you could you could say he's a superconductor","Wife: Go sit in the corner" +"Know what’s remarkable","Whiteboards" +"Why do hospitals have air conditioning","To keep the vegetables fresh" +"I’ll tell you what. I know about dwarves","Very little" +"I just watched a video of a drill","It was a bit boring" +"So I went to the zoo today. But it had only one animal: a small dog","It was a shih tzu" +"Why did the lady fall down the deep hole","She didn't see that well" +"I'm a big fan of. WhiteBoards","I find them quite re-markable" +"What do you call a dad joke that is not a dad joke. A joke. My 9 year old came up with this and we thought you would like it","Let me know what you think" +"Thinking of selling my stein glass","It's in great condition, beerly used" +"When the Solar System was formed, the Sun started acting like a dictator","So the planets started a revolution" +"BEARS. What do you call a Bear with no teeth","A gummy Bear" +"What does a bike say to its crush","I wheelie like you" +"Terrible ripped bedsheet **Wife (pointing to ripped bedsheet)** : That's got to go in the garbage, it's terrible. **Me** : Not only is it tearable, it's torn","**Wife**: *crickets*" +"There is a fine line between numerator and denominator","But only a fraction of people will get the joke." +"I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers","What are the odds" +"There’s three types of people in this world","People who can count, and people who can’t." +"What does an Iron Golem say when it laughs","Fe fe fe" +"My good friend lost his iPod. he found it a week-ish later in his pet rabbit's cage. I told my husband about the situation and he said: O that's unfortunate","He was probably trying to listen to some hip-hop" +"My husband, toddler, and I are on a road trip. We turned on to the highway. And directly facing the sun. I pulled down my visor down. Man, I said. Just think, it's so bright in here I need to squint, even though the sun is 93 million miles away. What are you talking about. my husband said. He's right behind us","*groan*" +"Just got my daughter My four year old was watching a Disney movie while I was in the kitchen. The app we use for Disney on the tv is horribly unreliable (Disney life on amazon firestick), randomly freezing or restarting whatever we're watching. Anyway, I'm scoffing a cake I don't want her to have when I hear a shout. Daddy, the film is frozen. I go through, look at the TV and tell her No it's not, that's Moana. I think it's the first time she's both gotten one of my jokes and appreciated how crap it is","Her eye roll and ugh brought a tear to my eye" +"Dad Had Another Good One While browsing an antique store my dad points out a sketch of a bridge","He gets that cheesy grin (I'm sure we all know the look) and asks, do you think it's a draw bridge" +"What did a triangle say to circle","You are pointless" +"Did you hear about the dolphin at Sea World that is now used for underwater rescues","He was reporpoised" +"Why did the German puke after eating sausage","It brought out the wurst in him" +"I like to sneak up behind women and give them massages. The ladies love it - they call me a massage-inist -RIP. Papa","Franku" +"I'm starting a discount amputation clinic","I'm calling it Half Off For Half Off" +"Why did the president have his staff making dough","The information he was giving them was knead to know" +"My Dad on Cows Giving Birth *Dad walks in* **Dad:** Hey son, do you know what you call a cow that just gave birth to a calf. **Me:** No idea. What is it. **Dad:** Decaffeinated","" +"What do prisoners use to call eachother","Cell Phones" +"Bells are really obedient objects","They only sound off when they are tolled" +"I’ve always been afraid of gardening","But then I decided to grow a pear" +"I had to send my Kia to the junk yard","My Soul got crushed" +"What do Microsoft and the empire state building have in common","A lot of *Windows*" +"What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination","HAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNDDDD EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" +"Why is it too hard for lifeguards to save hippies","They're too far out" +"What do cow zombies eat","Graaains" +"So they are building a beautiful new funeral home in my home town","Apparently people are just dying to get in" +"What do you call it when 2 art snobs fight","An art-gument" +"I purchased $1000 in. Bose stock today","My accountant said it would be a sound investment." +"I can’t help it, I like telling dad jokes","Sometimes he laughs" +"Why was 6 afraid of 7. Because 7 is 16. 67% larger then him. If you thought that joke was funny, I have another joke that's twice as good. Why is 3 afraid of 4. Because 4 is 33","33% larger then him" +"My daughter is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes. I asked her, What can I do to stop my addiction. She said, Whatever means necessary","I said, No it doesn't" +"How did the mustard begin her break up letter to her husband","Dijon" +"I'm so masculine, I don't have testosterone","I have testostertwo" +"My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I figured it out. You can say","I solved the case" +"What happens when you eat aluminum foil","You sheet metal" +"The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many vision puns","I can see them now" +"What do you call a group of Minnesota gangsters","Oh geez" +"6:30 is the best time on a clock","hands down" +"Why was the little ink drop crying","Because his mother was in the pen doing a long sentence" +"Why did the bee get married","Because he found his honey" +"I am telling today's dad joke telepathicly. If you laugh and/or groan for seemingly no reason at all, it was me","You're welcome" +"Did you hear about the fire at the circus","I heard it was in tents" +"Why was the sponge so rude","Because it was so self-absorbed" +"I planted a few hostas around my house, and now they've gotten so big that they've completely outgrown all my other decorative plants","It's a hostal takeover" +"Saw a business card with the job title Lead Architect on it the other day","So I asked, Have you not been promoted to gold architect just yet, then" +"Matt: Hey man, I'm so tired of people walking all over me","Art: At least they don't leave you hanging" +"What do you call the facial hair on a tree","A moss-stache" +"An atom turns to the atom beside him and tells it a great joke but the other atom doesn't even giggle","It was no laughing matter" +"Today. I’m giving a speech about procrastination. Right after. I browse","Reddit." +"Why do mermaids wear seashells","Because the B shells are too small and the D shells are too big" +"Bagels A few days ago, I told someone that we should change the name of plain bagels to flying bagels. She asked me why. I explained that they would be flying bagels because they were plain bagels. I repeated it five times before she got it. I'm 23 and have no kids","Help" +"Dadjoked my Dad at Home Depot I was at Home Depot with my dad as I watched him throw wood into the cart. Me: Hey careful with that. Do you think wood grows on trees","" +"Daughter said her abs hurt after starting a new exercise. Well, my nonexistent abs, she says","You mean they're absent" +"My wife is a better dad than me. So yesterday I found a toy car in the freezer that my 1 year old son had put there. In telling my wife the story I told her that I was disappointed that it was a car, since: if it was a shoe I could say it was cold feet, and if it was a phone he was trying to cold call someone","My wife, completely deadpan, responds: He was looking for a cool ride" +"We were watching a documentary on African wildlife, and my son asked me, “Is it difficult to spot cheetahs","” Me: No, I think they come that way" +"Had a couple of easy ones yesterday My wife was prepping to bake some bread. I yell down to her in the kitchen what are you 'doughing' down there. As we're enjoying the bread she asked me to call our dog Charlie down from upstairs","I grabbed my cell phone and asked her what's his number" +"If you ever get a chance to visit the Middle East. Beware of shopping in Israel","It Israeli expensive" +"While having our evening dinner together, my little girl looked up me and asked… Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right. I was very pleased to hear it and confidently replied, Yes my little princess","She then continued, That's because mommy put you in charge, right" +"What do you get when you cross a plane with a plane","I think I can tell you, but it's hard to *x-plane" +"Two peanuts are walking down the side of the road","One was a salted" +"Some","Decepticons are refusing to have their kids vacuumed because they believe the new car smell causes autoism." +"When I play cards I like to be the one handing cards out","It's the I deal situation" +"Dad Joked By My Chemistry Teacher I couldn't find my textbook in class so I asked my teacher if he had seen it. I haven't seen it, I guess it's a . chemystery","Class wide groaning ensued" +"Being a baker in. France is really frustrating","It involves lots of pain" +"A joke about paper","Never mind it’s tearable" +"I've decided I want to manage an all Muslim 80's cover band. The name","Koran Koran" +"A fox mated with a snake","It was fake" +"I know Muslims don’t eat pork","But Islam ok though" +"Had to throw out some old chicken last night","It smelled fowl." +"What did the drummer call his twin daughters","Anna One, Anna Two…" +"What do you call two crows sitting on a branch. Attempted murder Thanks to /u/Redpike136 for the joke","" +"I made a cape with a big S on it and put it on my goat","It will be my S-cape goat" +"My kids say these gummy bears are the best","but I think they're just Haribo" +"I was planning to secretly make chili","but then somebody spilled the beans" +"After all these years, he's still got it. Being a father of my own, I'm still envious of the masterful skill in which my dad can come up with his material. While driving down the interstate, a Miller Lite truck pulls out in front of us, more quickly than he should. My dad swerved to the left to avoid my door from getting broad sided by a tractor trailer. I yelled from being startled. Me: He almost hit us. Dad: We're fine. I can handle this. Me: He almost totaled the car. What if he had hit us. I could be dead. Dad: Nah, you would've been fine. It was Lite beer","Me: (jaw dropped in awe and amazement)" +"What did the sushi say to a bee","Wasabi" +"What do you call 4 bullfighters in quick sand","Cuatro sinko" +"Did you hear about the magic tractor","It turned into a field!" +"What happens when two snails get into a fight","They slug it out" +"My dad just hit me with this one during the Panthers Pats game Dad - Boy, I bet that stadium gets really hot after the game is over Me - why","Dad Because all the *fans* are gone" +"My teammates hate that I don’t pass when I play hockey","I honestly don’t give a puck" +"Son: Mom, Dad, I'm gay. Mom: *Stares at Dad* Dad: *Clenches fist* Mom: Don't. Dad: *Sweats Profusely* Mom: . Dad: HI GAY, I'M DAD &nbsp; [source](https://www. reddit","com/r/Jokes/comments/5gfir9/son_mom_dad_im_gay/)" +"I became a father today, but no dad jokes are coming to me. I’m pretty bummed. Luckily the neighbor hit me with a few good jokes as we got home","Cheered me right up" +"Did you hear about the new cordoroy pillows","They're making headlines" +"My boss made a good dad joke today. So there I was working on a small project; I make signs and was working on something for a local election candidate. The client wanted small plastic fans with a pic of her on sticks for her upcoming rally. 300 of them. Our plotter wasn't able to trace them out so I'm hand cutting 300 plastic pieces. My boss walks in, and I say Man this is gonna take all day. and he replies Well, looks like you got your work *cut out* for you today","And walks off" +"What kind of PC can sing really well","A Dell" +"My mom told me her lawyer always shows up to court wearing the same thing","A lawsuit" +"Dadjoked my history class. So i was in history and my group was exchanging contact info for a project. My teacher says Okay do you all have contacts now. My fatherly instincts kick in, i raise my hand and say Nope i still have glasses","Laughter ensues" +"How does Sean Connery shave","Ctrl+s" +"My little brother sat down at dinner after getting his ear pierced for the first time. No one notices for a minute or two until my dad catches sight of it. Oh H. You got a bit of metal in your ear. Mum starts fussing straight away but quickly calms down. Where'd you get it done. She asks. Without skipping a beat dad says","In his left ear" +"Got hit in the head with a soda can","I’m ok it was a soft drink" +"What’s the last thing that goes through a fly’s mind when it hits your windshield","Its ass" +"I love how the earth rotates","It just really makes my day" +"My dad on a little kid's skeleton t-shirt You should really eat more,","I can see your bones he really shouldn't tell those any more, we can all hear the groans" +"A man has a lawsuit against Folgers","He has grounds to sue" +"There's a graveyard in my town that's very expensive and cluttered","I asked my dad why and he says, People are just dying to get in there" +"Scientists have come up with a machine which makes dolphins invisible to the naked eye","I just don’t see the porpoise" +"How did Luke get around the forest moon of Endor after his Speederbike crashed","Ewoked" +"I went shopping for cherries and a microphone the other day. Bought a bing","Bought a boom" +"And why do elephants carry everything with their truck. Because they don't have a glove box. I'll be here all night","Please tip your waiter on your way out" +"My friend's dad's response to his haircut","You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you catch a lot of honeys when you're fly" +"I don't know if this counts as a Dad Joke but it's my dad's favorite joke A man was walking around in a city filled with crime. Every person living in that city is a member of a certain gang. The man is ambushed by a group of thugs ready to attack him at any moment, the leader of the group says: We will ask you a question, answer incorrectly, and we will beat the life out of you. Answer correctly, and we will let you go. The man was afraid, so he agreed. The leader says: Are you with us, or are you with them . The man responds: I am with you. The group proceeds to beat him within an inch of his life As the group starts to leave, the man asks I said I was with you people, why did you hit me","The leader turns towards him and says: We're with them" +"The punchline comes before the question","What's the worst part about time traveling jokes" +"Skilsaws Me: So I'm going to go buy a skilsaw tomorrow","Dad: If you buy a skilsaw do you need to take a test" +"Why did the dog say meow","he was bilingual" +"My son can fix all your plumbing, bring your electrical up to code and handle any framing or carpentry you could imagine. His name is","Jack" +"Sad to hear about the snake pit at the zoo that was shut down","Now they don't even have a pit to hiss in" +"My dad just pulled this one out as my sister was interuppting. *me talking to my dad* 4 year old sister : Hey. I'm getting madder at you if you don't listen to me","Dad: Well I'm going to get father at you if you keep interrupting" +"There's an apartment building in my neighborhood that is filled with guys who think they're Jesus","It's a messiah complex" +"Did you hear about the guy who tried to fistbump a man who had been executed on the gallows","Yeah he just left him hanging" +"My son had a photographic memory","Too bad it was never fully developed" +"Back in my day","being stoned was a form of execution" +"How many tickles does it to make octopus laugh","Ten-tickles" +"How you like them apples. My son ate two apples after school. Then after dinner he requested another. “Wow. ” I said","“You have a huge appletite" +"My dad and my moms first meal together My mom told me about the first time she ever cooked for dad. She cooked chicken cacciatore. She brought in the dish and set it on the table . My dad grabbed the serving spoon, and as he was filling his plate, he asked: The real question is did the chicken ever catch the Tory","" +"Got my wife at dinner She was talking to her Dad about how she didn't like beer, but only drank it when other people did to fit in. I turned to her and said So you gave in to beer pressure","She congratulated me on my fine dad joke" +"I was on holiday in a picturesque rural lake area, got stressed at the lack of 4G and 3G signal though","I was on EDGE there" +"What do you call a snowman with a six pack","An Adbominal Snowman" +"What do you call a lesbian dinosaur","A Lickalotapuss" +"Dad called the Police today and said, I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs. That's terrible, the woman dispatcher on the phone replied. Are they moving","I'm not sure, to be honest, Dad said, But that would explain the suitcase" +"Never trust an atom","They make up everything" +"Dad joked my dad today We were trying to remember who wrote *The Fantasticks*. Dad: Well, one of them was named Tom Jones. You can't forget that name. Me: Oh, I don't know, I'd say that's a pretty common name. I mean","it's not unusual" +"r/dadjokes leaked into my real life Last week, this gem was posted: [https://www. reddit. com/r/dadjokes/comments/ckwidu/a\_wife\_asks\_her\_husband\_could\_you\_please\_go/](https://www. reddit. com/r/dadjokes/comments/ckwidu/a_wife_asks_her_husband_could_you_please_go/) I told my wife and kids, got groans. Later, I was on the phone with my dad, making plans to meet at Fenway Park, and told him. He loved it and told my mom. A couple of hours later, he calls me back and is still dying over the joke. Tuesday night, I was taking my parents to the game (Mothers/Fathers day gift) and met them at the park. When my wife and I arrived, they handed my wife a bag of avocados","Thanks r/dadjokes for consistently brightening my day" +"Coworker said we were going to be listening to The Cars","(Original) I asked which one, The Beatles or The Cadillacs" +"Yesterday I built a bonsai bench Very motivated. Got up early and worked all day at it","Carpentry diem" +"If every coin has a job, what would be the penny's job","An Accountant, because every penny counts" +"I have have managed to save $10 towards a large sack of raisins","It's in my current account" +"Had dinner over at my parent's house last night. We were watching America's Got Talent and a girl came on the show who did limbo. The girl was saying how she felt like she was born to limbo, and that it was her calling in life","Without hesitation, my dad says, boy, she sure set the bar pretty low" +"My kid came home in tears after one too many True/False tests","something needs to be done about boolean in schools" +"What's the difference between a parentless child and someone who is fond of unprocessed metals","Well, one is an orphan and the other is an ore fan" +"I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger","Then it hit me" +"Why are cows afraid of the slaughterhouse","Because their lives are at steak" +"I decided to throw a block of butter off my roof today","I guess i could say that i saw a butterfly" +"We were passing by a place called the. Donut. Bagel. Cafe","My dad glances over and says Be respectful, we're passing by a holey place." +"My coworker loves cheese danishes. With mouth full of pastry, he says to me I love these cheese danishes. If I could marry them, I would. Why don't you just find a nice Danish girl to settle down with instead. I replied. Why. He queried","She's Danish" +"I put my left ear next to one of those fancy wind funnel fans, and I actually could feel a little air coming out of my right ear","That just blew my mind" +"Did you hear about the King who was only 12 inches tall","He was a great ruler" +"Who would win in a fight between a bunch of formal clothing. No one","It would be a tie" +"Wifey warned me Don't use the butter left out on the bench. The kitties got up and were licking it. Yeah I don't wanna use that cat-lick butter","That's worse than that Anglican butter" +"My roommate dadjoked me today[Image] I had lost my work shoes(ballet style flats) today and couldnt find them. While at my work desk, i found one of my shoes in my purse. I texted my roommate this weird anomaly and he found a great opportunity to lay down a cheesy response. http://imgur","com/dx7FTpi" +"For. Father’s day my. Brother and. I bought our dad some weed","It’s a “joint” present" +"My wife was upset that she couldn't find a hole punch. I grabbed the paper from her, held it in front of my waist and said say something sexy","She did her best to cover her grin with an enormous eye roll" +"My professor dropped this in class today What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor. 'Make me one with everything. It was the last day of class","He was very proud of himself" +"What's the saddest sugar","Morose" +"Want to hear a chimney joke. Got stacks of em","First one's on the house" +"I’ve seen a lot of stupid crimes, but watching a video of that guy robbing a bakery","that takes the cake" +"Wednesday nights are always half-price at the local ice rink","Makes me feel like such a cheapskate" +"To the guy who stole my trainers and. Hi-Vis jacket from the washing line","You can run, but you can't hide" +"Why can’t a nose be 12” long","Cause then it would be a foot" +"My last girlfriend was a light switch","It was an on-and-off relationship" +"I really can't wait to get my universal remote","It'll change everything" +"What do bank robbers use to fix their disguise","Masking tape" +"I dont usually tell dad jokes. But when","I do, hes out getting milk" +"Got my Girlfriend good, while cleaning out the fridge ME: Does this kale need to be thrown away. We've had it for weeks and we haven't made it yet and it looks dead. GF: No, it's fine","ME: You're KALE-ING me, Smalls" +"My dad after coming out of an eleven week coma I was just randomly visiting my dad. He woke up when i was there. He opens his eyes, he's in agony and uses, what looks like all his strength to raise his finger pulse oximeter and says E. T phone. your mother I just remembered this","It was 20 years ago and I'm happy to say he is still telling terrible jokes to this day" +"I only wear diapers for two reasons. Number one","And number two" +"A wife asks her husband, Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6. A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk","He replied, They had avocados" +"Dad joke at Ace went right over his head. Chatting in line with a guy while waiting for checkout. Me: What do you do for a living. Him: I'm an insulator. Me: Cool, do you ever work with any conductors. Him: <puzzled look> Uhm, no. Me: [( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)](http://redct. info/reddit/ragefriends/requests/fthat","svg)" +"My vegetarian daughter said that butchers are gross","But I told her that people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer" +"You know whats funny","Jokes" +"What do you call a cow with a twitch","Beef Jerky" +"Why is 1 so nice","She puts herself before others" +"I went to a can crushing convention today","Seeing all that metal destroyed, it was just soda pressing." +"My aunt is now an honorary dad. This just happened. My cousin was talking about a girl in her class who decided not to walk during their graduation. My aunt asked her what the girl's name was. When my cousin said her name is Eileen or something my aunt replied with Oh, the girl with one leg","She got a lot of groans" +"Why did the pirate get his ship so cheaply","It was on sail" +"I've started a boating business from my attic","The sails are going through the roof" +"I told my wife that watermelons always have a big wedding ceremony","because they cantaloupe" +"When. I was a child. I wondered where the sun went at night","Then it dawned on me" +"I once watched a couple of cows smoke weed and play poker","I guess the steaks were pretty high" +"I’m making a new documentary on how to fly a plane","I’m currently filming the pilot" +"My son's joining the. Navy","He'll be a semen for the second time in his life" +"My wife pulled out this gem tonight","So we are hanging out on the couch with our 3 month old named Sam and my wife was holding him on her shoulder and I pressed my face to his and said we were making a sandwich when my wife corrected me with we made a Sam-wich" +"Pearl Jam Great pun my dad posted to his facebook last night while we were at the pearl jam in Tampa","I didn't even notice until I got home: Doesn't get Eddie Vedder than this" +"Before attacking the alien spaceship in Independence Day the General tells his pilots to fire at will","Dad: What did Will do" +"Why haven’t the aliens visited our solar system yet. Bad reviews","only 1 star" +"What do you call a cow that just had a baby","deCALFeinated" +"Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary","It runs in your genes" +"Did you hear about Maya Hee. - Maya who. - Maya Haha","- groan" +"I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad","I was tossing all night" +"Have you seen one of those tow trucks before","They're tow-tally amazing" +"How do you count cows. With a cowculator. Ohgod","Thanks dad" +"What do you call an uplifting fog","Optimist" +"What do you read to a child with scurvy","Lemon E Snicket" +"What are the three keys to a frontpage post","Ctrl, C, and V" +"It's fun, misplacing the adjective Friend: I went to a really big horse show this weekend. Me: Wow, that sounds cool","How big were the horses" +"My tongue just went numb","I apologize if this post is tasteless" +"I got pulled over by a cop for going down the wrong way down a one way street. He said sir,do you realise this is a one way street","I said but officer, I was only going one way" +"Last night LeBron James purposely farted on a referee","He was given a fragrant foul" +"Joke about a dog I was watching football with my girlfriend's family when the game paused due to my girlfriend's [dog](http://imgur. com/J1GWfyu) messing around by the cable box","Her dad announced that the dog pawsed the game" +"Had to take my water to the crematorium today","It will be mist" +"Did you hear that Harry Potter was jumped, beaten up, and robbed of his magical powers","Yeah, he got muggled" +"Did you hear the one about three holes in the ground","Well, well, well" +"My wife's reaction was priceless. This isn't a typical dadjoke post so bear with me. I think you'll appreciate the story. So my wife and I were breaking down some cardboard boxes in front of our almost-3-year-old son. I put my face into one of the boxes as it was being flattened and said to my son Oh no. My face is being squished. My wife was standing behind me so I couldn't see her reaction to my dadjoke. My son chuckled but my wife said, Oh no. I asked her what was wrong and she said, I rolled my eyes so hard that my contact [lens] went up in my eye","I told her she got what she deserved" +"What do you call an exploding duck","A firequacker" +"Have you ever had Porcupine cheese","It has a very sharp flavor" +"I will always remember the words my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket","I wonder how far I can kick this bucket" +"Today. I tried to sing like. Fiona. Apple. But. I was so bad, it was","Criminal" +"Today. I learnt that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I can't remember the last time","I ate a monkey" +"I spotted a bunch of people in a long line and asked with a laugh is this the punch line. One of them respond, pho queue. The guy lied","There wasn't any soup noodles" +"Dad's ISIS joke Did you hear about the restaurant ISIS opened in Honolulu","It's called Aloha Snackbar *He laughed nonstop for 5 minutes after this*" +"If a. Swedish robot analyzes a bird","It's scanned an avian" +"Justice is best served cold","Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater" +"Reading some r/dadjokes today. When my fiancée says, I got one . Have you heard the story of the broken pencil. There was no point","I think she may be a future dad" +"I love jokes about eyes","The cornea the better" +"Civil engineer fired after forgetting how to design electricity-generating water barriers","He lost his dam mind" +"Did you hear about the Italian chef who died","He pasta-way" +"On my way to work today, a man assaulted me by throwing a block of cheese and a bar of butter at me","How dairy" +"I went to a zoo the other day. They didn't have any animals in their exhibits except for one dog","It was a shih tzu" +"A guy wakes up in hospital and screams, Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs","Doctor replies, Of course not, I've cut off your arms" +"What do you say to comfort an English teacher","They're, there, their" +"I just wrote a song about tortillas","actually it’s more like a wrap" +"A young boy says to his father, Dad, why does the dog spin in circles when she's excited","The boy's father replies, Because it's very hard to spin in squares" +"Did you hear that joke about no and me neither. No","Me neither" +"Word play with dad. (Mom wants to walk down a dark alley way to get somewhere when we could just walk around to get there) Me: I don't walk down alleys that smell like urine","Dad: urine luck son, we're not going down that way" +"How do you make a napkin dance","Put a little boogie in it" +"When I retire I think I'll have my own bust sculpted to keep in my living room","But I don't want to get ahead of myself" +"How do you call bees that make milk","Boo-bees" +"Well, I didn't get any but I think it was worth it. Laying in bed with wife and she's playing on her phone. I roll over and whisper in her ear. Me: to. but. above. over. Wife: Ginger_Head_Man what the hell are you doing. Me: I'm trying to preposition you. She briefly locked my gaze before executing the perfect wife combo of the eye roll, groan and rolling to her side of the bed","Fin" +"Orion's Belt is a huge waist of space. Terrible joke, only 3 stars","Edit: I've been told there is a triple star system and a binary pair so it may be 6 star joke" +"My Life has been nothing but a disaster and if Just One More Thing fails for me, I think it'll be time to call it Quits. Hmm","my racehorses really do have some strange names" +"I opened the oven. I just opened the oven and there were loads of tiny people dancing to techno. It was a micro-rave","I'm sorry" +"What did Paul McCartney say when he met John’s new girlfriend","Ono, Ono, Ono no no no" +"Murphy's Law states that anything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong. Cole's Law","Is basically just cabbage" +"There's quite a crowd at the lego store","They are lined up for blocks." +"Condiment. Speeds. So this happened at my convoy briefing at my unit this morning:. Commander: 'Convoy speed will be 50, catch up speed will be 55'","Someone else: 'What's the mustard speed going to be?'" +"Got my brother after his final exam. My Dad: What was the first exam. Him: History. Me: Would you say that you *past*","Him: ಠ_ಠ" +"Why was the math book sad","It had too many problems" +"Why didn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie","Because he was too far out, man" +"What did the bodybuilder say when he found out the store was out of protein powder","No whey" +"What do you call someone who murders people by poisining there breakfast foods","Cereal killer" +"Ant in a puddle Two ants came across a puddle in their way. Instead of walking the long way around, one ant jumped in to swim across. Confused, his friend yelled out, What are you doing","to which the swimming ant replied, Being afishant" +"What is an electrician's favorite kind of meat","Grounded beef" +"Whats a concert that only costs 45 cents. 50 cent ft","Nickleback" +"Son, I'm not saying your girlfriend is dense","But light bends around her" +"Why do bookstores make so much money during an earthquake","Their books fly off the shelves" +"Hitler asked his chief meteorologist for the weather forecast","Hail, Hitler" +"How far away is dinner About 5 metres. Oh haha. (sarcastic) How long is it","About 5 inches" +"What did the baby corn say to the mom corn","Where's popcorn" +"why can’t your nose be 12 inches long","because then it would be a foot" +"A group of kids is called","A migraine" +"My grandpa was always so quick I remember one time walking up his driveway while he was tinkering on his 2001 Buick Lesabre and I jokingly said Grandpa, when are you going to get a viper. He quickly replied Oh I already have two. Puzzled, I said what. he leaned over his hood and picked up two long plastic packages and showed them to me saying, look","two vindshield vipers" +"Did you hear about the snowman who ran away","I heard that the trial went cold" +"I went hunting with my dad. Sitting in the tent and Dad's looking through the scope thingy (he dragged me along, I don't know anything about hunting). I thought I saw a person begin to walk across the field, so I say, Hey, dad. Put your gun down. Without missing a beat: You're a good-for-nothin' gun. You'll never be the gun your father was","Uggggghhhhh" +"Im hosting a charity night for people who cant reach orgasm","If you cant come let me know" +"Light a man a fire, keep him warm for the night","Light a man ON fire, keep him warm for the rest of his life" +"Dad to son: Quick. call me an ambulance. Son: You're. an ambulance. Dad: I'm-I'm so proud of you, son. [Dies] Son: I did it","[Faints]" +"Dad please pass the. C-Vitamin. Dad:. But. I cant","C the vitamin anywhere" +"What do you call California cheese","Second-dairy to Wisconsin" +"Well that backfired. Me: Since its Fathers Day, I get to do whatever I want. 5 Year Old: Me too. It doesn't work like that. Sure it does. It's son-day. Awww nuts. Edit: 2500. Thanks guys","And on my cake day too" +"I was food shopping with my wife when I came across something that was utterly shocking… Look at this. I said. It contains 95% fat","She replied, You're just pointing at me in a mirror" +"My wife had a slight pain in her side Wife: could it be my appendix. Me: no, it's on the other side. W: maybe it's just my ovary. M: you also may be ovary-acting","W: *flips me the bird*" +"What did the dog say when it sat on the sandpaper","Rough" +"My favorite teacher had the most random stuff in her class. Miss","Alanious" +"My girlfriend and I were at the hospital. She's still not speaking to me after this one. My girlfriend got hit in the head at work today and had been dizzy and nauseous for several hours afterward. We went to the hospital, and they recommended that she use a wheelchair due to her dizziness. We were waiting in the hospital to find out the scan result and she jokingly threatened to fight me over something I said. I told her it wouldn't be a fair fight, because she would have the advantage","I told her she had an unfair handicap" +"My wife is finally going to finish her cookbook on spices","It's about thyme" +"[Image related] I came, I saw, I freed Walked into the teacher's lounge and I just had to. https://i. imgur. com/6MPzcP2","jpg" +"The invisible man’s parents haven’t seen their son in two weeks","They couldn’t be more proud!" +"From my 10-year-old son. ”What is the capital of Earth","” E" +"I had an abusive father growing up who was a professional wrestler It wasn't that bad though, because he never really hit us","God forbid he got his belt, though" +"Briefcase for child Whenever I meet my friend to hand off one or the others child for a play date or sleepover we meet in a public parking lot and exchange a black briefcase. Hug that child extra long","Someday I hope to hear it spoke about" +"My wife is mad at me. She sent me to the store after her bra broke. Said she needed D-cup She asked me where I put it and I pointed to the table. She says what. Where","I point to the new worlds best dad mug on the table and say D cup is right here mon Im not funny im sorry i tried" +"If you were being chased by a sarcophagus, and you threw a throat lozenge at it, you'd hope that it would make the coffin stop","I feel no remorse" +"I'm trying to make new friends So I joined the Camoflouge Club. What a waste of time and money","I've been there three times and haven't seen anyone yet" +"My friend missed her biology lesson. My friend missed her biology lesson so was asking her teacher what she missed. He replied with we just finished covering the menstrual cycle to which I was compelled to add Don't worry you're covering it again next month. I thought it was funny","The groans said otherwise" +"Is it acceptable for a non-dad to post a joke here","Or would that be a faux pa" +"Just seen someone with the. Reddit name. HotelConcierge","Username checks out." +"Which member of ABBA was the oldest. Bjorn","it’s easy to remember because he was Bjorn before the others" +"I have a DIY scar on my knee","It was made from scratch" +"Double teamed by my dad and sister. My dad, sister, and I were sitting in our living room when my sister said, 'Hey, boogerface, what do you want for your birthday","' My dad replied, 'Tissues" +"I’m a gynaecologist, today a examined an army veteran,. I gave her a veterans discount and said","Thank you for your cervix" +"Just watched a bunch of cross dressers run a marathon","It was quite the drag race" +"My brother needed computer help My little brother just bought a used hard drive for his computer and this happened. Brother: Hey dad, can you help wipe my hard drive","Dad: Sure, go get some toilet paper" +"A dad I met last night on the job Taking a tables order last night, one of the kids ask for a lift (softdrink). The dad chimes in without missing a beat but I'm already driving you home. Wife and kids groaned","I shared a chuckle with the dad before telling him how terrible his joke was" +"Why are ghosts bad liars","Because you can see right through them" +"Time passes like gas","silent but deadly" +"What do you call a fake noodle","An impasta" +"If you have to have sideburns to prove your masculinity","then you need to grow a pair" +"Son:*walks up to me and my wife* Mom and dad I am gay Wife:Don't. you. dare Me:*trying not to say it* Son:","Me:Hi gay,I am dad" +"chicken coup i pulled this one at sams club a few days ago. seems they are selling chicken coops. i looked at my wife, and said do you know why chicken coops have two doors. she replied, no . if they had 4 doors, they would be a chicken sedan","i looked around to high-five someone, and no one was there" +"My wife got so fed up with me with my bad sense of direction","So I packed up my stuff and right" +"Not a dad, but I dad joked my teacher today. Today we were going to the library and my teacher said that we would take a left when we got in there. Just to confirm that we knew, she asked: So, which way do we turn when we enter the library. And after everyone repeated left, she said Right. So I asked, Which one is it.","She didn't understand why my friends and I were all laughing" +"Why did I name my newt Tiny","Because he was minute" +"My Grandfather is 85 and still doesn't need glasses","He drinks straight from the bottle" +"I saw a bat fly today","It hit a home-run" +"Just got my wife and infant son with this one. After a feeding, my beautiful wife went to burp our seven month old son. He let out a gnarly burp, right in her face, to which she said, Ew. That burp was foul, kid. I replied with, Did you feed him chicken salad","A delayed, angry smirk was a welcomed response" +"I was reading. Looking. For. Alaska the other day. Dad:. I don't want to spoil much but it's just left of","Canada." +"What type of beer only makes you drunk later","The Lag\[g\]er" +"Went for the long con with my wife I had a little mishap with a pruning saw in the yard and asked my wife to patch my finger up. She's a nurse, so I figured she'd dress my wound better than I could. She started off with cleaning up the cut with a betadine swab. Wife: This might sting a little bit. Me: Yup. Yup that stings. Wife: Sing a song. It'll take your mind off of it. Me: Roooooxanne, you don't have to put on the red light, Those days are over you don't have to sell your body to the night. Wife: *sideways look* Me: Roooooxanne, you don't have to wear that dress tonight, Walk the streets for money you don't care if it's wrong or if it's right. Wife: *sideways look* Me: You know who sings that, right. Wife: Yeah, the Police. Me: Who and the Police. Wife: Sting","Me: Yes it does" +"A bullet says he quit his job","He was actually fired" +"I'm a man who doesn't call rivers, rivers","That's just too mainstream" +"A collective groan echoed through the house My Mom (yelled from another room in the house directed at my brother): Are you studying, Bob. Me (Yelling back): Why would I study bob","My whole family groaned from various rooms" +"I was naturally excited to have stumbled upon this sub, the goldmine of dadjokes. Couldn’t wait to use one of it. so one day while I was browsing, my son asked what was I reading. I took a deep breath of absolute euphoria and satisfaction, grinned widely and said, “They r/dadjokes. ” The son said, “What’s slash dad jokes","” Kids, right" +"Do you wanna know why people with shell fish allergies can’t be body builders","Because they can’t have mussels" +"The guy who invented beyblades has died","Let it rip" +"So i sliced my finger while cutting oranges today","Needless to say their blood oranges now" +"What does Jeff Bezos do before he goes to bed","He puts his pyjamazon" +"Went to see a medium. She said not many people can do what she does. I guess you can say she's medium rare. She was pretty good too, the whole thing was well done","Credit to my father-in-law for these" +"If your ever cold just go in a corner","Because its 90°" +"Classic Dad. Dad: What do you call a cow that just had a calf. Me:","Dad: Decaffeinated" +"I use to be addicted to swimming. But","I’ve been dry for 12 months." +"Friend:. I've been playing piano for 5 years. Dad:","Must be a pretty long piece" +"Disnep The other day i was watching a movie with my 7y old daughter. The [Disney](http://i. imgur. com/EeSzZOu. png) logo appears and i say to her: 'Hey, Look it's Disnep She says: 'No daddy, The P must be pronounced as a Y' Next screen is the 'Yixar Logo'. The look on her face","Yriceless* (thnx wikoff)" +"I got the words “jacuzzi “ and “yakuza” confused. Now. I’m in hot water with the","Japanese mafia" +"Told my daughter I was Fluttershy (My Little Pony) She said that I had too deep of a voice to be Fluttershy","I said, Sorry, I'm just a little horse" +"My friends groaned on this one. I was reading a book on anti-gravity yesterday,","I couldn't put it down" +"My girlfriend keeps hiding underwear. It's. Victoria's","Secret." +"Game of Thrones Spoiler [Game of Thrones Spoiler](https://imgur","com/a/tBv2w5W)" +"When food poisoning breaks out at the Annual Condiments Convention","We'll ketchup later but first I mus-turd" +"If 2 vegetarians are arguing","Is it still called beef" +"I’m becoming addicted to the hokey pokey. But","I’m turning myself around" +"The furniture store keeps emailing me. All","I wanted was one night stand" +"Why did the melons have a wedding","Because they cantaloupe" +"We went out for Mediterranean food last night","It was a little Greecey" +"Why don't they make electric airplane engines","Because they always have to be grounded" +"What is a shark’s favorite cocktail","Beach schnapps" +"Why are pirates called pirates","They just ARRRGHH" +"My online dating profile","I love long walks on the beach and cow puns, among udder things." +"Why does the bike stop for a rest","Because its two tired" +"Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks me if I would like the milk in a bag","I reply, No, just leave it in the carton" +"I picked up this book on anti-gravity","I can’t put it down." +"Got this girl while walking to class Told me she took a certain P. class because it had bowling in it. me: Well I guess that class is. Right up your alley","She was not amused" +"What wavelength is the most painful","Megahertz" +"Dadjoked the cashier at IKEA. My girlfriend, her parents and I were shopping for a dresser, but since its IKEA we got more, we ended up getting cups and also a lamp. The lamp set we got was called NOT . There was an issue with the self checkout so the cashier had to come help us. As we were finishing up, the cashier told us she needed to open up the lamp box and was making sure there was everything inside. I asked her what would happen if it was NOT","She laughed, my girlfriend groaned and walked away, and her parents laughed" +"In war, what's the opposite of artillery","Theirtillery" +"I went to a supermarket in the United Arab Emirates, but all the shelves were empty","There was literally nothing Dubai" +"my brothers headstone came in today he was in the coast guard, so the last part on the stone says on eternal patrol","As we were installing the headstone, my dad leans over to me and says I hope they give him a day off sometime" +"Hooked up with a girl who worked at a Subaru dealership","She gave me an STI" +"What is the richest body of water A river bank","As told by my 9 year old" +"Why did Eugene do so well in school","He was very Oregon-ized" +"A guy proposes to his fiancé at the gym, she says no","You could say that it didn't workout" +"I had a glass of whiskey shatter in front of me","I guess it couldn't hold it's liquor" +"I just farted in my wallet","Now I have gas money" +"Billy. Joel entered a gardening contest recently","He won for the longest thyme" +"You know what Confucius says about the crazy guy on the toilet","Man who stand on toilet, high on pot" +"My dad says he worked 6,475 hours per week","925 every day" +"There's a bar called Church downtown Boston Yesterday (Saturday) walking around the city Me: Where do you wanna eat","Her: We could go to Church Me: Church is only open on Sundays She hit me, that means it was a success right" +"What kind of alligator gives the best directions","A navigator" +"God, I hate #2 pencils","They’re really shit" +"My son was browsing Reddit in the living room when he began to sob into his keyboard. I went over to ask him what was wrong and he told me that despite lurking for years he still couldn't build up enough confidence to ask DIY how to build a fence","Disappointed I could only say, Well son, you can't start to build a fence if you can't even create a post" +"My dad just dropped this on me. What do you call a cow with no legs","Ground beef" +"Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake","I thought the streets are strangely desserted tonight" +"You know what type of pants Mario and Luigi wear","Denim denim denim" +"How do pastries fight","They éclair war" +"Snoring is an indication","Of a sound sleep." +"What do you get when you cross the. Atlantic with the. Titanic","About halfway there" +"This morning. I got beat up by. Sylvester. Stallone. It was a","Rocky start of the day." +"What do you call the security at a Samsung factory","Guardians of the galaxy" +"From my 11 y/o son. I went to a","Mexican magic show today; pretty good act, his best trick: he said uno, dos, and disappeared without a tres!" +"I don't always tell dad jokes","but when I do, he laughs" +"Playing trivial pursuit brought the dad jokes out in full force. My wife got the question: Which city is NOT located in Egypt - Cairo, Dakar, Rosetta. Wife: Where is Dakar","Dad: In the garage" +"To the person who stole my glasses IM WARNING YOU","I have contacts" +"My dad being a dad while playing Cards Against Humanity SFW: https://imgur","com/Yg6JRDJ" +"So my neighbors the. Donner's invited me over","They said they would love to have me for dinner." +"The definition of a. Cannibal","Someone that is really fed up with people" +"Why you should always eat your greens It's the only way to have inner peas","Sorry" +"What do you call a guy who lost 100 lbs","A mass murderer" +"What was Atilla the Hun’s middle name","The" +"Dadjoked my dad. We were getting some gear set up for a camping trip this weekend and it went kind of like this. Dad: *Make sure that your compass is working correctly. * Me: *Ok* I check it and it works. It's slightly off of true north by a couple of degrees, but that is common. Dad: *Does it work","* Me: *Yes, to a degree* We both got a good chuckle out of that" +"Make sure you get a lot of sleep tonight","Because tomorrow, we begin a 31 day March" +"Burger jokes","Are a rare medium well done." +"My boat drifted off from the port","If you find report it" +"I visited a tennis equipment factory. The noise there was unbearable They make a racket. (Please no hate","Tennis jokes need **love**)" +"What is a kkk members favorite drink","White Powerade" +"What happens when two chips fall in love","A relationdip" +"Today's weather forecast…. S. O. E. S. H. W. R","Scattered showers" +"Got a few people with this Ant joke Talking the other day about Ants for some reason and I remembered one to drop into the conversation. **Q: You know how they tell whether an ant is male or female. ** *a few saying 'no, how. ' others saying they are both male and female at same time, need a microscope etc","* **A: Actually it's easier than that, the scientists drop them into water, and if it sinks then it is a Girl Ant, but if it floats then it is a Boy Ant" +"Didja hear about the guy that was totally transfixed by intricate multi-family dwellings","He had a complex complex complex" +"What did the atomic duck say","Quark" +"Puerto Rican friend told me a story of when got dad joked He and his dad were walking through the neighborhood Dad: Hey, let's cut through that person's yard. Friend: Dad, we can't. There's a No Trespassing sign. Dad: It's okay. We're not TRESpassing , we're DOSpassing","Friend: *sigh, and shakes head while dad laughs*" +"At the garage sale today, there was this RC circuit kit being sold cheap because it was missing its resistors. I don't like electronics but I got it anyways","The offer was irresistible" +"A sheep, a drum, and a snake all fall off of a cliff","Baa Dum Tss" +"I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said, Thanks","I said, Don't mention it" +"What do you call a McDonald's in space","CosMcDonald's" +"Have you heard the news about corduroy pillows","They're making headlines" +"My friend just told me that for Halloween, he's dressing up as the Archipelago off the southwest coast of Britain","I said, don't be so scilly" +"What did the pirate say when he turned 80","Aye Matey" +"What did the leaf say after having grown back from being torn in half","Well, that's a relief" +"How many people are buried in the average cemetery","All of them" +"I overdosed on viagra once","It was the hardest day of my life" +"Did you hear about the Mexican guy who finished first in the marathon despite getting a late start","He was on delay" +"A piece of broccoli was late for a meeting","He got in a cab and yelled floret" +"Word on the street says","STOP" +"How much does a hipster weigh","An Instagram" +"My co-worker got me good. I was reading a gossip magazine and the article was how the boy band One Direction may break up so I told my co-workers about it as simple conversation","Him: if that happens then they would be many directions" +"What is the perfect profession for narcissists. Architect","Because they'll forever be making entrances and drawing stairs" +"There's not just one, but TWO track and field workshops happening at my school today","How do they have so much to discus" +"What has 11 letters and 4 G's","a smart phone" +"Got the wife with this We were driving and after seeing a couple roadkilled squirrels over the course of a mile or so the wife said, oh that's so sad","I said, well that's the thing about squirrels: their/they're nuts" +"What do you call an alligator with a vest","An investigator" +"Got my wife at the table tonight. We were finishing dinner as my 2 year old ate some white rice. We are always trying to work nutritional foods into his diet. My wife: Think he'd eat brown rice. Me: No","He's a rice-ist" +"I have a fear of speed bumps","I’m slowly getting over it" +"I was going to talk to my kids about sex offenders","But it's a touchy subject" +"Daddy did you know that girls are smarter than boys. No, I didn’t know that","There you go" +"Why did the stadium get hot after the game","because all the fans left" +"Why does the Norway Navy have barcodes on the sides of their ships. So when they come back to port, they can","Scandinavian" +"I think this was Grand-Dad level So there was a deal on toilet paper a pack of 30 rolls for 9 bucks. A good deal so I bought two packs. 60 ROLLS OF ASSWIPE FOR 20 BUCKS","anyways as I am walking to my vehicle this older gentleman says to me I see you're on a roll today" +"No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder","Jew wish" +"I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth","Now I’m speaking with a strange Axe scent" +"Dad joked at the restaurant We were out for a family dinner on Easter and the waitress asked my dad who was taking his order Soup or Salad. and my dad replied, yeah I'll have the super salad","Then proceeds to crack up at his own joke" +"I just got kicked out of Hypochondriacs Anonymous","I just couldn’t admit I didn’t have a problem" +"My wife accused me of being a cross dresser","So I packed up her clothes and left" +"I'm such a nerd, I put numbers on my bathroom door","That's my IP address" +"Finn landed in a sweet den","Den mark saw it and shouted “nor way" +"Why was the pencil in the toilet","Because it’s a #2" +"I made a play about a man with Tourettes and no hands","Critics are calling it offensive and pointless" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When the punchline becomes apparent" +"My friends grandfather, never failed. They're an older couple and Bud (RIP) loved to mess with his wife. We all sat down for dinner one night, but in order to get into the dining area you had to go down a single stair. Bud's wife said Watch the step . as we all fill our plates, Bud is still standing there. His wife said, Come on Bud, it's time to eat","to which he followed with You told me to watch the step" +"Why are 1 and 3 jealous of 2","Because it’s Tuesday" +"A guest asked about our selection of grilled veggies Fiancee: Let's see: summer squash. Me:","and some aren't" +"I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver","I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me" +"Neither of them remembers what the Japanese call seaweed","Nor I" +"What did the fisherman say to the magician","Pick a cod, any cod" +"I was trying to see if my Dad wanted to get breakfast. What are you up to","-Me 5'5 -Dad" +"My tonal harmony professor does not share our appreciation for dad jokes While doing a harmonic analysis of Schumann's Sehnsucht op. 51, no. 1: Professor: So how are we going to mark this second harmony in the first measure. (Pause) Me: With a pencil","The professor just stared at his paper with a look of disdain while the class gave a hearty giggle" +"To be Frank","I'd have to change my name" +"If Ozzy Osbourne was Mexican","Would crazy train be renamed to Locomotive" +"My wife got me good So we recently moved from the desert to the coast. The house we moved in to is just up the street from the what we call the bay, everyone else calls the river, but in reality should probably be classified as a sound. well while exploring the area, we were taking in all the sights and sounds and smells and wildlife. The dialogue went something like this. me: look at all the trees and birds and seagulls wife: and bagels me: . bagels. where do you see bagels. *looks around for truck or store of some kind* wife: the bagels me: wtf are you. i hate you Edit: since people don't seem to get it","Baygull" +"Why did the priest love elevators so much","Because they were uplifting" +"What did the bouncer say to the hat","Go on a head" +"Why are computers so smart","They always do what their motherboard tells them" +"Soy milk","Hola milk, soy dad." +"What do you call a cow on stilts","RAISING THE STEAKS" +"What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach","Long time no sea" +"Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in water. you can safely wear it on your head","because it's capsized" +"I'm still smiling when I remember it. My dads side of the family and I have been in Florida for the past week on vacation, and one thing we like to do is go on gator hunts . My grandpa (who we stay with) lives on a golf course with many ponds that usually have gators around them. We'll take out their golf cart at dusk and drive around for half an hour or so with a flashlight looking for them. Now, my dad loves bad jokes. He started telling a popular one. Dad: What would Beethoven be doing if he were alive again. The usual answer that follows is decomposing but I replied. Me: He'd be Bach from the dead It got a good groan out of him and the others for both his joke and my bad pun","I'm not sure if its been made before, but I thought of that on the spot and I'm still proud of that fact" +"Roommate is going out","My roommate, a dad, is going out to a bar tonight and trying to choose clothes, he told me I'm not really feeling this belt without missing a beat I said maybe it should be tighter then" +"Why was the sand wet","Because the sea weed" +"This is my dinner option Dad: Would you like some 239 bean chili. Me: 239. is it good","Dad:Well if you add one more bean it would be TOO FARTY" +"How does Tom Hanks sign off on a package","hanks" +"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh","Ten tickles" +"As one grows older, one has to look on the positive in situations","For example, the other day I fell down the stairs, and I thought to myself: That's the fastest I've moved in years" +"Who is the king of the pencil case","The ruler" +"Why is grammar class the most boring","It puts all the students in a ," +"Why are there rules in croquet","So they can have lawn order" +"Why shouldn’t you ever iron a four leaf clover","You don’t want to press your luck" +"What did the doors to the kitchen in Moria say","Speak friend and entrée" +"What did the statue say when he thought he saw a fellow statue","Statue" +"Literal. Dad. Joke from today - This. Beers. Pretty good though Of","Coors its good then loses his shit" +"Dad joked a teammate Teammate: (Finds grape under chair) Hey, what were you doing down there","Me: Looks like he was having a grape time and you just raisined it" +"My daughter said to me Daddy, your hair is getting so long. Do you like it looking like that","I said It's growing on me" +"I was reading a book, I can't put it Down","Its on Anti-gravity" +"How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb","Only 2, no idea how they got there" +"My girlfriend gets an A+ for this one. As young grad students that teach undergrads only a little younger than ourselves, we face our fair share of worries about professionalism. A sample from our discussion of the campus' sexual assault policies: Me: What if one of my students falsely accuses me of sexual assault, just because I gave her a bad grade or something. Her: Well, to be fair, her accusation is justified if you gave her the D","I groaned, we high-fived, she's a keeper" +"So I was browsing Reddit, and my das asked what I was doing","I said I was browsing Reddit, he then replied 'If you've already read it, then why are you reading it again" +"How do you make the best party in the galaxy","Planet" +"What did pink panther say when he stepped on an ant. Dead ant, dead ant. Deadant deadant deadant, dead ant, DEAD AAAANT","Deadant" +"you know why cemetery’s have fences","People are dying to get in" +"My friend always gets an infection whenever he goes to sleep","I guess you could say he has a dah zzzzzz's" +"A blonde goes into a church and asks the minister, How much does it cost to rent a church singing group. He said, Do you mean a choir. She said Fine","How much does it cost to acquire a church singing group" +"I haven't slept a week","Because that would be too long" +"Dadjoked a Programmer http://i. imgur. com/6nZFHdF","png" +"What's a lumberjack's favorite beat to dance to","A Logarithm" +"What do you call a book which catalogues the financial transaction of shrublands that are full of open, low-growing woody vegetation","Heath Ledger" +"What do you call a litter of Corgis","A Corgåsbord" +"I'm addicted to brake fluid","but I can stop any time" +"What would a pirate say on his 80th birthday","Aye matey" +"Dad: Son I'm having a heart attack call me an ambulance","Son: You're an ambulance Dad: Not bad" +"Why doesn't Pinocchio want a girlfriend","He just wants something with no strings attached" +"Adultery is wrong","You can't have your Kate and Edith too" +"sherlock and watson camping in the woods Sherlock says look up watson, what do you see. Wayson says, stars. Dedeuce says sherlock. Well therer's millions of them replies watson. deduece further demands sherlock. well a lot of them are galaxies, and if I do the math, there must be life around least one of them, replies watson. And more asks sherlock. Well if there is life around at least one star, it stands to reason that there is intelligence up there, says watson","That's great replies sherlock, but you never noticed that someone has stolen our fucking tent" +"Two bouncers stop a sink at the door to a nightclub The sink tells one of the bouncers: “Come on I’ve had a rough day, just let me in why don’t you. The bouncer replies: “Maybe you’re not the only one that’s had a bad day, maybe I have too. Let that sink in","” The second bouncer opens the door" +"I've just been to the shops and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas","I can't believe the currant exchange rate" +"Was playing Astroneer and found myself wishing I had some way I could make bigger tunnels easier","But that'd be boring" +"Dad, will you tell another dad joke joke please","Father last time, I said no" +"Did you hear about that kidnapping","He woke up" +"Some guy tried to sell me a mirror, but I knew it was a scam","I could see right through it" +"You know when water falls from the sky it’s called precipitation, so what do you call it when water is excited","Anticipation (I made this up on the spot and it got a chuckle out of my dad haha so it’s already “dad approved”)" +"I walked into my wife's room and tripped over her bra","It was a booby trap" +"Toilet. I'm going to the bathroom back in a flash. Or should I say","flush" +"I was wrongfully fired from my lifeguarding job this last weekend because a hippie drowned on my watch","I tried to save him, but he was he was *too far out, maaan*." +"“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell","” Awful”" +"A friend of mine asked if I wanted to go to the amazon. I replied: No, thanks. Been there. Done that","Got the tree shirt" +"My favorite Indian restaurant keeps their bread recipe a secret","All the employees must sign a naan-disclosure agreement" +"What's the opposite of domino's","Domi doesn't know" +"Don't expect good manners from a rude Frenchman","They show no merci" +"There was a knock at the door this morning, so I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep","I thought, “I better let that sink in”" +"Why did the can-crusher quit his job","It was soda-pressing" +"What does a ghost play catch with","A boo-merang" +"“Watson, you look constipated","” “No sh*t, Sherlock" +"My 11-year old tried to tell me a Dad Joke","but he was only kidding" +"There has been an outbreak of mad cow disease in Austria","The hills are alive with the sound of moo sick" +"If you took the shell off a snail. Would it be faster","Or abit sluggish" +"When geese fly in a V , one side is longer than the other. Do you know why","More geese on that side" +"I have a diabetic racist uncle who doesn't get on with milk","He lacks toes and tolerance" +"What do you call a hippie's wife","Mississippi" +"I couldn’t tell if the picture was of a sunrise or a sunset","But then it dawned on me" +"That cemetery is really popular *points to cemetery outside car window*","People are just dying to get in." +"Hey dad, did you get a haircut. No son, I got them all cut Every. Damn","Time" +"I'm on vacation in. Vegas, and my hotel falsely advertised views of the. Strip","It was a strip tease" +"I just published a book on The Dangers of Overreacting","If you guys don’t buy it, I’ll burn everything down" +"A thief attempted to steal paintings from the Louvre in Paris. But was captured two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. All he could say for himself was “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh","But I tried anyway because I had nothing Toulouse" +"I was going to make a sodium joke","But Na" +"A good set of dad jokes for a rainy day. Ouch. I'm in alot of rain. What the hail. You little sleet. Sorry for raining on your parade. I thought it would be snow problem. I'm going to sleet. What don't give me the cold shoulder. It's ice to see you. Water you doing","Fin" +"Did you hear FedEx and UPS are merging","They will be Fed-Up" +"Don't talk to the liard, kids. So, I'm new to this subreddit, so please don't berate me for posting a story instead of a joke ;-; &#x200B; Anyways, my friend came over to my house for a 2 day sleepover a few weeks ago, and during the sleepover, we went to Petco to buy some stuff for my ferret. While we were there, we just kept gossiping about how cute all the animals there were. There were parrots, other ferrets, turtles, fish, a cat, and lizards. &#x200B; When we were checking out the lizards, my dad immediately started to warn us about them. &#x200B; Don't talk to the lizard, kids. It might want to sell you car insurance. It'll only take 15 minutes or less","&#x200B; Gosh, I love my dad XD" +"Mountains aren’t funny","They’re hillareas" +"I kicked my boot off a cliff today","It was an assisted shoe-icide" +"So me and my pops were installing a fan today And my father said Alright, I need you to put the rubber gromits into the holes in the blades. And I replied Are there rubber Wallaces as well","Dad smirked and said Maybe" +"Dadjoked my mother this morning Mom, in conversation with me and my sister: You know what dawned on me today. Me: The sun","Eyes were rolled and groans were made" +"My wife told me I was a fool to try and build a car out of spaghetti","You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta" +"How my dad used to wake me up Dad: hey chookity. Hey chookity. Hey chookity. Me: Hmmmm","Dad: your mother tried to wake you up, but I didn't let her, you proud of me" +"I used to date a girl with a lazy eye","Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time." +"It's a good thing priests aren't allowed to tell raunchy math jokes in church","It would be a sin" +"Just bought a Sweet Car Online","Previously owned by Neil Diamond" +"Dads don't take Christmas off We needed some cheese shredded up for a Christmas dinner dish. Me: How's the cheese coming","Dad: Not so grate" +"I failed my chemistry test","I didn’t know any of the solutions" +"I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job. But when","I got home all the signs were there." +"9yo shared this one with me: What do you call a cow who just had a baby. De-calf-inated. Edit: it's been pointed out some people pronounce calf as cālf, so its taking a second","Pronounce it like decaffeinated coffee" +"My Father as He Browses Funny Memes on Facebook Me: I'm going to take a hot tub Him: Well, where are you going to put it","Then he chuckles his way to the bathroom" +"I've finally figured out why nobody finds my cheesy jokes and puns funny","They're all laughtose intolerant" +"Why was the Ant Man game never released","it had too many bugs" +"Pun-Off Over. So my dad and I were having a pun-off using spices as our source material. ( Did not see that cumin, etc. etc. ) I finally stump him and he tries I poppyseed what you did there. I tell him that poppyseed is not a spice (not sure about this but I sounded sure of myself) and ask him to name at least one thing that has ever been spiced with poppyseed. His reply","Mommy-seed" +"My wife just got me I was explaining to her about how the wicks in these cheap candles we bought fall over before all the wax is gone. She said, that's poor wickmanship","I love her" +"My wife told me i'm a pain in the ass","Gonna need more lube" +"I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark. Help","I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him" +"Don't kiss your wife with a runny nose","You might think it's funny, but it's snot." +"What is a Texas pharmacist's favorite song","All my RX's live in Texas" +"What's the difference between The University of California-Berkeley and The University of California- Los Angeles","At one UCLA and the other one UC-Berkeley" +"I wanted to make my slow racehorse fast","I didn't give him any food" +"Have you ever heard the joke about the cheese grate","Its grate and all but it's a bit cheesy" +"My mom's aircond is not cold anymore Mom: It'll get cold, but it takes time","Me: Too bad we only have basil" +"When God was integrating Planet Earth, he suddenly recalled his Calculus lesson","He remembered to add the sea" +"Where does a T-Rex buy his groceries","From the dino-store" +"Got my daughter today","I picked her up from school" +"What side of a chicken has the most feathers","The outside" +"For breakfast I used to have cereal. Then I moved to muffins, to doughnuts and then to combination of chocolate, biscuits and marshmallows","It's a rocky road" +"My wife just asked me when I was going to cut my hair. I told her tomorrow, so I can be Shorn on the 4th of July","Bonus points - my 14YO daughter sprained both her eyes from rolling them backwards too quickly" +"Kid got me with a classic. My 5 year old was taking a bath when I told her that her temporary tattoos had to come off because she had put them on almost a month ago. She said 'no, they've been on for a year'. I said no and explained the difference between a month and a year for the millionth time. She said 'Mom, I put them on in 2014","So, I've had them on for a year'" +"You’ve been watching tv for entertainment","My whole life I’ve been making sure it didn’t leave" +"I was texting my dad about the Uruguay-Colombia game, and he dropped this one on me. http://i. imgur. com/uLPGq56","png I'm ashamed" +"Why don't ewoks shout in the house","Because they only have their Endor voice" +"Coworker dadjoked another coworker I work as a sales rep for Staples in the electronics side of the store. One of the other guys on the sales team was approached by one of our cashiers and the following conversation followed: **Cashier:** Lots of customers keep asking about the Surface. Is that a program or a computer or what. **Him:** *moves palm back and forth on top of the counter* This right here is one of our best models","How do you not know what a surface is" +"Asked my dad what his e-mail was the other day. He says, I don't have an e-mail. I have an g-mail . He dad joked me without even realizing it. Source:","African dad" +"What's Another Term for Maternal Twins","Cellmates" +"Why did the fish swim across the ocean","To get to the other tide" +"I was eating some watermelon last night. My wife says Be careful, there may be the odd seed in there. I quickly asked back Are there any even seeds in here. I had to repeat myself 3 times before I got the biggest eye roll ever","Meanwhile, I was on the floor laughing" +"Did you ever hear the joke about the wall, the butter and the sausage","I would tell you, but then I realized that you'd never get over it, it would just spread and overall it would just be the wurst" +"When my son didn't laugh at a fart joke during a trip to the Egyptian History Museum, I realized we had drifted apart","Now we don't even have a toot in common" +"A set of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender says, Alright, I'll serve you","Just don't start anything" +"A groan-worthy man(i) Context: I just painted my nails, and I wasn't pleased with the outcome. Me: Well, I had already written off this mani anyway. Sigh, yes, I just said mani","His response: Well, it would be pretty pedi of me to mock you for it" +"I got fired from the frozen orange juice factory today","I just couldn’t concentrate" +"What's the opposite of Disney","Dat knee" +"Why did the concrete pourer refuse to apologize for his mistake","It wasn't his asphalt" +"It took him a while but he finally got me. I was talking to my dad about spiders, Me: Huntsmen are great, they kill other bugs mostly. Dad: Yeah I really like them, they're armless. Me: armless","Dad: yeah they're all legs" +"What do you call a tick on the moon","A luna tick" +"Told my girlfriend that the wreath she bought was great, but please make sure it doesn't block the doorway","Because then it would be a Great Barrier Wreath" +"Are those shoes felt","(feel shoe) now they are" +"What Jokes Are Allowed During Quarantine","Inside jokes" +"Wanna hear a HIPAA joke","Sorry, I can't tell you" +"Historians are now saying that Abraham Lincoln never felt guilt or shame","He was in a cent" +"What do you call a cow on steroids","SHREDDED BEEF" +"Help me out with my pun. I'm working on a great pun but I can't figure out how to finish it, and I haven't had enough sleep (night shift). When parting, instead of adios, I'm going to start saying asiago. Yeah I know it's cheesy but","Anyone got any good finishers" +"I'm going to tell you a joke my father told me","A joke my father told me" +"I got my wife, then she got me. My dad is going to have a colonoscopy in the morning. I told her the news, then followed with. I sure hope my dad doesn't make an ass of himself tomorrow. She gives me a courtesy smile. So I try another. If he has any questions, I don't think he'll feel too shy to assssk. Nothing. Then she says, I hope the doctor has a good rebuttal for all these terrible jokes. Boom","Roasted" +"When my son asked me which of two boat paddles he should use,","I said: Either oar." +"The fish & chip shop. I go to still wraps up their meals in newspaper. Yesterday. I got a plaice in. The","Sun." +"What did the horse say after it fell over","Help, I've fallen and cannot giddy up" +"Coworker got me today: Me: This job is so futile","Coworker: That's what you call an unfinished bathroom" +"Rehab","Is for quitters" +"Happy Father's Day","You motherfuckers" +"What is an Alzheimer's patient's favorite rock band","The Who" +"I once heard of a bad joke","It used to punch the other little jokes" +"My niece was playing with her Legos, And she told she was building a really big ant. I asked her if it was going to be so big that it would be giANT","She then proceeded to tell me that none of my jokes are funny" +"I sent my friend 10 puns with hopes that one would make him laugh","But sadly, no pun in ten did" +"What’s the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman","Snow balls" +"If tuna had their own race what would it be. The","Daytuna 500." +"The inventor of auto correct died last week","Restaurant In Peace" +"In my opinion, beekeepers are the prettiest people in the world","Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder" +"I don’t like anti-humor","But I really enjoy uncle humor" +"My cereal bowls suck","Because they breakfast" +"Dear Dad Jokes. Thank you. You ruined my relationship","My SO won't stop" +"My wife told me I should get up and do things instead of watching TV all day","I told her I understand" +"My old physics teacher: Can anyone tell me the unit of power. Teacher: Can anyone tell me the unit of power","Class: Watt Teacher: I SAID, CAN ANYONE TELL ME THE UNIT OF POWER" +"Air-Headed. Scene: A radio newsroom. Caller: I just wanted to let you know you’re off the air. Host: Yes, we know. The engineers are working on it. Caller: It would be nice if you put something on the air that says that","" +"What did the ocean say to the boat","nothing, it just waved" +"Dad holds baby son. Baby smiles and starts to coo","“Hai ku, I am dad" +"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer once","I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day" +"That kid has a neat Yoda toy. You mean a toy-yoda","~my husband" +"My drug dealer is a real comedian","He cracks me up" +"Dad out for sushi Sister asks if anyone wants her ginger. I ask why, not a fan of ginger","Dad cuts in, I think your sister prefers Mary-Anne" +"What's the difference between swine flu and bird flu","One gets prescribed oinkment, and the other requires some sort of other tweetment" +"What do you get when crossbreed a parrot with a centipede","A Walkie Talkie" +"My friend challenged me to a hang gliding race, and he got angry after I beat him","What a soar loser" +"Gandhi Poppins Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him","A super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis" +"Why did the old man fall down the well","He couldn’t see that well" +"If you’re cold, go sit in the corner","It’s 90 degrees" +"Two goldfish are in a tank","One says to the other, do you know how to drive this thing" +"When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers","It was hard to grasp" +"how many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh. tentacles","(i’m fairly new to reddit and if this in anyway violates the rules, is a repost or is just bad let me know so I can take it down" +"What do you call a bear with no teeth","A gummy bear" +"I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down","Mountain climbing with a friend was hard" +"When Post Malone was a child","He was Pre-Malone" +"My favorite college teacher, Professor Grey, had the most unforgettable final exams","It was the Grey Test of all time" +"when my cat was sleeping in a comma shape [(Pic)](http://i. imgur. com/ye03PND","jpg) Does she have claws at the end of her paws, or is she a pause at the end of a clause" +"What kind of cat passes an exam without studying","Cheetah" +"Why does a duck have feathers","To cover its butt-quack" +"This one got an audible groan I was getting ready this morning and my hair was still all messy. The wife walks in and says I like the new hairstyle. I replied, Yeah, I had something different in mind at first but then I slept on it","I'm pretty sure the loud sigh was just to hold back the laughter" +"You know I had my ID stolen. Now I only can only go by Dave","--As told by my 65-year old father, David" +"What do you call a group of military babies","An infantry…" +"The guy who made Minecraft is pretty","TOP NOTCH" +"What happened to the cow when it was picked up by a tornado","It mooooooooved on" +"Our Waitor set food down for everyone at the table except for my friend, he looked at him and said sorry sir, your food is draggin","My friend replied, I ordered a burger not a dragon" +"What did the French baker say after mowing his lawn","Time to baguette" +"If a dogs tail falls off, where does it go to get a new one","The Re-Tail Store" +"How do you avoid death","You stay in the living room" +"Friend's dad likes genetics Dad: I read a neat article today, they isolated the shyness gene","It was hiding behind all the other genes" +"What's the least spoken language on Earth","Sign language" +"Nate the Snake So this is the longest joke in the world. http://natethesnake. com Ain't nobody got time for that","Is there a cliff notes version or is the joke able to be shortened so you can just tell me the funny part" +"What Do Alexander the Great, William the Conqueror and Billy the Kid all have in common","The same middle name" +"I told my wife I was feeding our son grapes","just in case he whines later" +"Why are caskets unnecessary","They are nothing but dead weight" +"Did we make turnips this year","No we don't have any, I guess they'll eventually turn-up" +"What's longer than forever. Fivever. - __________ - - Thanks for all the upvotes. This is an original, so thanks to you guys I'm quitting my job and leaving my family to pursue a career in comedy. https://www. youtube","com/channel/UCJy234H5YDlFASQfx6mLWLg" +"Glows in the. Dark. Son: my frisbee glows in the dark","Dad: it sure does, it also glows in the light; you just can't see that." +"Did you hear that the Pope has the avian bird flu","He got it from one of the cardinals" +"Why did the cookie go to the doctor","Because he felt crummy" +"Our waiter served dessert in a boot","He said it's tiramishoe" +"To whoever stole my adhd meds","Oooooh shiny object" +"A man walked into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm. He said to the barman a pint of beer please","and one for the road" +"Went to a wedding yesterday and it was almost perfect","There was only one hitch" +"My son asked for a. Transformer for. Christmas. Now","I don't mind spending the £60 down at screwfix, but what the fuck does he have that runs on 110V?" +"My mum didn't believe. I could make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when","I drove pasta" +"[OC] What's the greatest thing about a vegetable party","You never know who'll turnip" +"My dumb son thinks the letter. F is in the word ‘way’. There’s no","F in way." +"If you put your ear up to a. Taco. Shell. You can hear the","Sí." +"I just told my dad there was gonna be a meteor shower tonight","He replied “Do I need soap" +"My boyfriend is a big car guy And he’s fun to mess with. The other day we drove by a super dusty Porsche in the parking garage at our apartment","He sadly says “I feel bad for that Porsche” I responded “what’s a sha" +"What is the suckiest fruit","A strawberry" +"I drove by two First Baptist Churches today","One of them is lying" +"I told my dad he's a rhetorical pugilist","He said thems fightin' words" +"Can arthritis make you queer","Well, it *did* make Ben Gay" +"Why are frogs always happy","They eat whatever bugs them" +"Why do birds fly in a V-shape","because it takes too long to walk in a V-shape" +"The dragon killed the knight that came to save the captive princess and then said to her: What happened","Seems you had a lousy night" +"Where do cats go on vacation","Meowi" +"What haunts a chicken coop","Poultrygeist" +"What healthcare plan does a group of musicians get","Band aid" +"Did you hear about the guy who’s been growing a marijuana plant for almost 20 years","They’re best buds" +"How do you drown a hipster","Throw them in the mainstream" +"My family was watching the rose bowl and talking about all the bowls when I out daded my dad. Mom: Why are there all these bowls. Me: because they are all out of plates","*drops mic* Edit: *picks up mic* I totally meant they are *drops mic*" +"Why can't you get out of a sex cult with R. Kelly","Because once you're in urine" +"How many ears does Commander Spock have","Three: the left ear, the right ear and the final frontier" +"I was surprised when i saw a man get struck by lightning","The man was shocked as well" +"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom","Because it's dead" +"My little sister has shingles And my older sister and I find it fairly funny. I'm chuckling to myself and my little sister says >What are you laughing at. I, in a stroke of genius, respond with >Nothing. Not a *shingle* thing. Me and my older sister laughed, my little sister just looked at me like I'm stupid","I hope this is worthy of being called a Dad Joke" +"We're on my way to my Dad's 57th birthday in my Mom's Escalade. As we're driving, he complains about how dirty my mom's old Escalade's windshield is and he can barely see through. I try to be a smart ass. Me: Maybe it's the cataracts. Dad: We're in a Cataract Escalade","We all got a giggle" +"A king is building an army King: how many volunteers do we have for the army","Squire: 384 my liege King: ok, round them up Squire: 400 my liege" +"Got my whole class with this gem. So we were talking about what separates humanity from the rest of the animal kingdom, and we got on the subject of mice. Prof had mentioned that a mouse will laugh if you tickle it's belly, but you can't tell it a good joke","My reply: it might if it's really cheesy badum, tiss" +"My sister bet me $15 that. I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face as","I drove pasta" +"Dadjoked by a sweet old lady. So I delivered 3 orders of garlic knots to a little old lady tonight","I repeated the order and the total, as I always do, and the old lady tells me she was feeling a bit naughty, with a wink" +"I used to be addicted to soap. But","I'm clean now." +"Why did the Egyptian kings stop building monuments","Because it was all a pyramid scheme" +"What do you call a fly without wings. A Walk","👌" +"How do you keep a fool in suspense","I'll tell you next week" +"He arrived mysteriously. He helped, performed miracles, died, got resurrected, and went back to the heavens","(1982) A Hollywood classic" +"Putting away leftovers after dinner. And there was some salad left but there was also some salad left from the day before. Wife: Do you want me to put these two leftover salads together","Me: Yeah, go ahead and consaladate them" +"Why does the Dalai Lama go to Vegas so often","He loves Tibet" +"This is for the Brits on the sub My gran fell asleep whilst eating piri piri chicken","she had a cheeky nan dose" +"What is the scariest kind of bee","A boo-bee my daughter and I came up with that joke like 5 years ago, when she was 7, I still laugh at it and get people to laugh at it all the time" +"I spent New Year's Eve installing a new toilet. in loo of partying","True story :(" +"What has two butts and kills people","An assassin" +"Clark Griswold was the Father of Dad Jokes. even though most were unintentional. https://youtu","be/Ri791tauGmU" +"The elevator operator at work got me today. I'm a construction worker in NYC. At my current job site we're working on a new super tall building, the second tallest in the city. Attached to the building is a temporary construction elevator for moving people and materials up to the upper floors. So I get in the elevator and it's only me and the operator. We chit chat for the ride up and I ask So what's it like being an elevator operator for this building","He replies Oh you know, it has its ups and downs In hindsight I think I walked right into that one" +"I told my Girlfriend I'd probably eat a skillet for dinner tonight. She quickly replied sounds like that would be pretty hard to eat , having herself a laugh at her own cleverness","I told her not to worry, I was supposed to have more iron in my diet anyways" +"A guest at the restaurant I work at told me the daddest joke I've ever heard I was walking by with a jar of olives when he told me: You know that was Santa's eighth reindeer, right. Me: Umm, Olive. Him: Yeah, you know the song","and olive the other reindeer laughed and called Rudolph names" +"I dadjoked myself in my sleep. I had a dream that I ordered new underwear, but the package was lost in transit. So I emailed them","The reply email from the company started Let's be brief…" +"The King of them all Son: Dad, I am hungry","Dad: Hi hungry, nice to meet you" +"What's the difference between the law and an ice cube","One is justice and the other is just ice" +"When we run out of sausages,","Things are gonna take a turn for the wurst." +"WHO DOES THAT. My sister just called me to tell me this story that just happened to her today: She ordered boots from Amazon and they were delivered and left at the door (which her neighbor let her know). So she gets home and sees just the boot box. no Amazon box like every other package comes from them. Obviously, she's suspicious and thinks her boots were probably stolen. She opens the box, the boots are there. BUT THEY'RE STUFFED WITH MCDONALD'S HAMBURGERS. STUFFED. WITH. HAMBURGERS. She calls our dad because she's livid and she yells WHO DOES THAT. His response","The hamburglar" +"Happy Fathers Day. Me: Happy Fathers Day. Pop: Thanks. Me: I'll call you later","Pop: Don't call me later, call me Dad :')" +"Feeling cold","Go stand in the corner It's 90 degrees" +"I went to a zoo once, but there was only one dog in the entire zoo","It was a shitzu" +"My dad tried to make us laugh during dinner with a joke My family and I were discussing the difference between soul sisters and sisters. My brother pointed out that the quote 'blood is thicker than water' is actually shortened from 'the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb'. Dad says 'I guess there's always womb for interpretation","' Ba dum, tsss" +"I was suddenly approached by a bunch of people, screaming to my face that. I looked like one of the seven dwarves","I am not happy" +"I think my coworkers getting tired of the construction jokes I've been working on… A group of us were walking by a building expansion that's been under construction for a while when one of my coworkers said, Look. They're installing the large glass windows on the front. I couldn't help but say, I guess that's a pretty clear indicator they're making progress","There may or may not have been a face palm afterwards" +"What are those poles for taking your own picture called. A narcissis-stick","Adult leader training with the boy scouts this weekend was a goldmine" +"Its now apparent. Im a parent","- New dad first post (Son born 5:31am Sat, Sun raised 6:08am)" +"Me and my dad were picking up after a board game Me: Hey, can you put all those bags in that back. Dad: Sure,. I guess that makes me the BAGdad ME:","-_-" +"I bought some new structures to put inside my aquarium and sent a picture to my parents my mom texted me back and said, ruined, your tank is ruined. I texted her back asking, why. what's wrong with it. I really like it. Then my mom replies, there are ancient ruins everywhere. You ruin-ed it","I was not ready for that one, it had me rolling :) and yes I did just fill my tank with a bunch of structures that look like ancient ruins" +"Dad, do you fast on Yom Kippur. Yea, between meals","Every Jewish dad ever" +"My mom said They're calling for high winds tomorrow I replied do you think they'll effect us down here on the ground","She didn't get it" +"What do you call my Eastern European buddy who plays chess","My Czech mate" +"My son told me this one at dinner Son: Why are the bigger rocks braver than the rest. Me: I don't know, why","Son: Because they're boulder I am so proud of him for this" +"What's one word to describe a situation in which there is an explosive device in a male cow","Abominable" +"Jesus saves","He uses coupons" +"Mum: I accidentally bought an octagonal prism as a dough flattener. Dad: Just Roll with it. Kid: Hah. That’s some d-Rye humour. Dad: What have I Raised","Kid: The Yeast favourite kid on Reddit" +"Girlfriend was talking about her coworker. I don't know why Rosemary hates me so much. honey, I have some sage advice for you. If you want Rosemary to like you you just have to give her thyme. Go about it gingerly","Bright side, the couch is comfy" +"I was a dad for less than 24 hours when I came up with this one We had a little girl at 34 weeks. She was very fussy and the nurse called her a little diva. I responded with, “More like a preemie-Donna” The wife groaned and rolled her eyes. The nurse asked for permission to use that since we were in the NICU. I made it, fellas","Oh, and mom and baby are doing well" +"My unborn daughter is acting like a teenager already","Spending all of her time in her womb" +"Went mirror shopping today","liked everything I saw" +"If I'm sick I don't go to work so I don't give my illness to co workers","There's no need for a staff infection" +"Dept. director during mandatory staff meeting Happened during a reading of an extensive legal clause, containing several 'or this . , or that . ' statements. The entire department is listening intently, ensuring nothing is missed. When the speaker quietly chuckles about the 'or' multitude after finally reaching the end of the clause, the director speaks up: Wow, that sentence should be mined","Groans around the room" +"My friend got me good today. We were outside and I was so cold I was shivering. Being the good friend he is, he offered me his leather jacket. Now, my friend is this skinny little dude, and I'm a heavier set guy. Me: What is it a medium. Sorry, but I'm an XL dude","My friend: Really, I always pictured you as a powerpoint kinda guy" +"Why was Jesus in good shape","Because he did Cross-Fit" +"Cop: Explain yourself","Me: it's a pronoun" +"Did Jesus pay for our sins with cash or credit","Neither, he used PrayPal" +"A dyslexic walks into. A bra","Courtesy of one of my friends that does improv" +"What do you call someone who cleans their lizard cage daily","Anole retentive" +"It. All","Title says it all." +"I got a joke about a trash can","Never mind, it's garbage." +"I just published my first book of dad jokes","and dadicated it to my father" +"I tried a traditional Malaysian dress made of wool","Sarong, but felt so right" +"What did the drummer name his twin daughters. Anna One","Anna Two" +"What kinda pants does Mario wear. Denim, denim, denim","Hope this hasn’t been posted before" +"I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder","He is always serious and never humerus" +"[Spoiler. Alert]","My friends making a movie about car accessories." +"Road-ice removalists of Memphis came up with a new slogan","A little less condensation, a little more traction" +"What's an. Italians. Favorite. Punctuation","A-pasta-phre" +"What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle","Attire" +"My girlfriend is on a new low-sodium diet Me: So, with the new diet do you have to believe everything people tell you now. Girlfriend: What","Me: Well, you can't take anything with a grain of salt anymore" +"My grandfather always said when one door closes another one opens","He was a great man but a terrible cabinet maker" +"Tomorrow is my 21st Birthday Before going to sleep, my dad looked at me, and in a serious tone informed me that he wouldn't speak to me again until I was 21. Took all the strength I had not to facepalm","Edit: he's getting some extra mileage out of the New Years line, I haven't ___ all year" +"I made a sculpture in the likeness of my dear old dad: an infamous jewel thief who has never been caught","Although now he's been busted" +"Frog parking only","All others will be toad" +"What do you call a soda researcher","A fizzisist" +"My wife divorced me because I'm a compulsive gambler","All I can think about is how to win her back" +"My dads best one yet My family were on vacation and we were going on a hike. We had been walking for a little over an hour when my sister she had something in her shoe that was bothering her. She asked us to stop so she could take it out and my dad excitedly agreed. I was super confused as to why he seemed so excited, so I stopped as well. My sister sat down, took off her shoe, and my dad gasped dramatically. “Oh my god. There was a foot in your shoe","” He proceeded to laugh himself to tears, while I laughed at his reaction to his own dad joke" +"Sending the kids off So we are talking on the phone and the kids are fussing in the background. My wife says, ok, i have to address these kids. And i say. Ok, let me know their new zipcode","im getting old man" +"Dad told me this one when I read him some jokes from this subreddit When is a cow hairy on the inside and outside at the same time","When it's standing in the doorway of the barn" +"What do you call a mute sharpshooter","Silent but deadly" +"I asked my dad for a book recommendation. Dad: Rusty Bed Springs, by I. Knightly","Thanks dad" +"Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions","I do" +"The easiest word to spell. People have always told me that icy is the easiest word to spell, and now that","I think about it, i see why" +"Right after we sat down for dinner, the waiter said, “Would you like to hear today’s special. ” I said, “Yes please, thanks","” The waiter responded: Today is special" +"What do you call a cute skeleton","Bone-ita" +"I saw an article in the news claiming a cure for forehead wrinkles","Talk about headline news" +"My dog was getting a little fat I brought my dog over to my dad's house. He said she was getting a little husky","I said No Dad, she's a labrador retriever" +"Never been here before again Old people will remember Carnation instant milk (powered milk). I got to thinking that if you added water to Carnation milk, then let it evaporate back to a powder,. then add water again it would be ReinCarnation","[Yes, I'm a dad, so I'm fully licensed for such humor]" +"What kind of shoes does a baguette wear","Loafers" +"An amazing dad joke my jazz instructor told the band today. (kinda long. ) It goes like this: So back in Notre Dame, around the medieval times, the people at the church were looking for someone to ring the bell in the steeple. They started having interviews where each person would ring the bell and they would decide if it sounded good or not. So one guy comes in saying “you know, my method is really odd, but it works. ” The church people say “ok then, let’s hear it. ” The guy walks a few feet back in the steeple and charges head-first towards the bell, he hits it head on and it produces the most beautiful ring ever to be heard. The church people are amazed, they hire him and he goes about every day ringing the bell with his head. However, one day it was decently windy outside and the guy was preparing to ring the bell, and as he was charging a large gust of wind hits him and blows him off the steeple, where he falls to his death. Two monks walk by and one asks the other; “Brother. What has happened to that man. He looks very familiar","” To which the other monk replies saying: “I don’t necessarily know, but his head rings a bell" +"My favorite setup on the internet","My favorite thing to do is when someone uses the wrong your/you're, for example: > Your incredibly stupid I'll respond with: > My incredibly stupid what" +"Sundays are always a little sad, but","The day before is a sadder day" +"What can’t you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom","Because it has a silent “p”" +"Dadjokes during dinner Sitting around while dinner is being made when. Mom: Would you like some wild broccoli soup. Me: What makes it wild. Dad: It has tattoos and drives a motorcycle","Badum-tiss" +"I was going to tell you a joke about my new doorbell","But it just doesn’t have the same ring to it" +"Why was the button permamently depressed","Somebody pushed him too far" +"What did Cinderella say while waiting for her photographs to be developed","Someday my prints will come" +"The dictionary. I ordered on eBay had only blank pages in it. I have no words to describe how angry","I am" +"My girlfriend and I were on a safari drive in South Africa. Girlfriend: Oh, that's definitely an aardvark burrow in the termite mound. Me:","would you say it's an example of classic aardvarkitecture" +"My wife asked me why I always look so miserable when I get back from the blood bank","It's because I'm A- donor" +"He must've done this 20+ times I'll be sitting in the passenger seat. Perhaps on my phone. My dad will point out to the street and say 'Hey'. Naturally this gets my attention. I usually respond with 'What. ' He wont answer. I'll look over and he'll be pointing at a Truck transporting a large number of bales of hay. I look at him. Smuggest look of satisfaction on his face. Edit: I can't spell. I'm like a clam Edit 2:http://i. imgur. com/mTme2Jo","jpg" +"Just got a job as Senior Diector of Old McDonald's farm","I'm their new CIEIO" +"How did Kim Kardashian inform her kid about her upcoming divorce with Kanye","North, things between West and me has recently gone South" +"My coworker just went full dad. What's the chemical name for the stuff inside a fire hydrant. -H2O What's the chemical name for the stuff outside the hydrant","-K9P" +"I built a new barn to house our horses, I'm proud of it's construction","It's very stable" +"Took me a second to catch it, but my dad made me spit out my drink at dinner last night with this one. So, my sister was telling a story about a girl in her class named Levin. She then asked something along the lines of, Can you guess what her siblings are named","My dad asked, Twelve and thirteen" +"What do you get when you divide a pumpkin's circumference by its diameter","Pumpkin pi" +"I'm still torturing my daughter with awful jokes http://imgur","com/a/fKQmM" +"A dad is looking through his ancestry He says to his sister","Our family has come full circle" +"A text conversation right before our first date http://imgur","com/fsNf9HV" +"How do you call a singing dog's replacement","A subwoofer" +"What's Harry Potter's favourite method of getting down a hill. Walking","JK, rolling" +"Delivery driver asked me what time it is","Somewhere between 8:00am and 5:30pm, I replied" +"Got dad joked HARD today. Talking with my dad about getting a gift certificate for pedicures for his wife and her daughter. (i dont know how to make them show up better) [Imgur](http://i. imgur. com/TNbek8r. png. 1) [Imgur](http://i. imgur. com/Uiihoem. png","1)" +"What did they call the first emperor of Rome who had epilepsy","Julius Seizure" +"A kickboxer from Thailand was leaving his house for a date but stopped","He exclaimed, I forgot Muay Thai" +"Have an idea for a new app It's like Tinder, but for beers you're interested in","It'll be called 'I'd tap that'" +"Dad joked on popes canonization","So, they are joining the artillery" +"Where does a snowman go to deposit his paycheck","The snowbank" +"Dad was waving a glass in front of my face. What are you doing","Just pasteurising the milk" +"The most dad joke Me: dad, i think I'm sick, my nose is running. Dad: do your feet smell. Me: why","Dad: cause if your nose is running and your feet smell then you're built upside down" +"As we were heading out the door, my son plopped down on the floor, hoisted both of his feet into the air, looked up at me and screeched, Daddy, put my shoes on please","I looked down at him and chuckled, “I think my feet are too big" +"Trying to sneak around unnoticed. Wear an all-leather outfit","It's made of 100% hide" +"My dog used to chase after people on bike. So","I took the bike away from him." +"Why do people in wheelchairs get mad","Because they are always getting pushed around" +"What did the horse say after it tripped. Help","I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup" +"Few years old but still my favourite. While on the road in our motor home, there was a fly buzzing about inside the van and it landed next to my father on the window. Without hesitation he grabbed his packet of cigarettes and slammed it down on the fly. My dad then proceeded to say Smoking Kills and continued driving. Just something I remember from when I was younger","Ah, good times" +"People who play guitar are a nervous bunch","They are fretting all the time" +"I put a stone on my mattress","Now, it's bedrock" +"What did the whale say after the dolphin swam into him","You did that on Porpoise" +"Made a dentist appointment for my wife Her: when is my appointment tomorrow Me: *the realisation dawns on me and I start laughing hysterically* Her: what. Me: *drying my eyes* 2:30 her: *groans* did you do that on purpose. I did not, the fates gave me that one for free. Edit: Tooth hurty","Apparently that wasn't clear" +"I've yet to see a good steak joke","They must be pretty rare" +"Where do birds go to drink","A crowbar" +"Did you ever hear the story about the broken pencil. Never mind it's pointless","(Brother got me earlier)" +"I passed by a dad joke today. A guy, his young daughter and an elderly woman were in the store I work at today. The daughter took a pink dress the lady gave to her and put it in her cart. As she did that someone passing by remarked: Oh is grandma going to buy that for you. The dad replied quickly","No, I don't think it will fit" +"There’s a shifty seafood market near my house","A lot of fishy stuff goes down there" +"What does a baby computer call his Father","Data" +"What's brown, blue and black. They're colours son. Colours. Edit: Wow. Didn't expect this much karma. Thanks guys. Edit 2: Yes","I am fully aware of my bad grammar" +"Where are we going. Crazy","/groannnnnn" +"What do you call Batman that skips church","Christian Bail" +"Pretty good one when my kids were whining at Daddy . You can call me. Dad. A or. Dad. B, but don't you dare call me. Dad","E." +"My candy cane collection is worth a fortune","It's in mint condition" +"My deep secret is that I'm a were-eel. Most people don't understand what that means at first","But as my kids say: When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie, dad's a moray" +"What is the #1 game in the world","Uno" +"Got to dad joke my sister today. My sister was putting my niece down for a nap today, but she was having some trouble getting her to calm down. After a little while of some fussing, my sister came out of her daughters room. I looked up and said I guess she was resisting a-rest","My sister was not amused" +"I made this thinking It'd get me farther in life. but then I realized I had nothing to fill it with [Imgur](http://i. imgur. com/T5VM58t","jpg)" +"My mom inherited her father's humor Are you making fish. I've just got to turn the oven on first","I'm going to tickle under its chin" +"What do you call a witch on the beach","A sandwich" +"So, my sister watches both Sherlock and Doctor Who","If you had an episode of each to watch, I asked her, would you put Who on first" +"A McDad joke I was talking to my dad about my new job at McDonald's. While telling him about a customer who comes in every morning and always complains about their breakfast sandwich. My dad suggested: Next time he comes in, offer him an Egg Mc-nothin'","God" +"My son asked me the object that best described him. Me: A battery. Son: Cause I'm full of energy","Me: No, you're just never included" +"Why was the drug dealer jealous of the prostitute","Because she could wash her crack and sell it again 💁" +"My fiancé tonight while making dinner Her Mom : We only have brown rice My Fiancé: That's OK","We're not Riceist I lost it" +"9 yo daughter: You know, dad; I think I have your sense of humour. Me (rather pleased): Really. Her: Yes","Would you like it back" +"What kind of car does a Shih-Tzu Drive","A Shihtzubishi" +"I was once a man trapped in a woman's body","And then my mother gave birth" +"What do you get when you cross. Captain. America and. The. Hulk. The. Star. Spangled","Banner" +"Past, present and future walk into a bar","It was tense" +"My wife isn't happy I'm practicing my dad jokes early My wife and I are expecting within the next two weeks. We were at my parent's house when they asked when the baby naming would be. Wife: It will either be on Monday or we'll name it Thursday. Me: But I don't like the name Thursday","From the number of groans I got, I think I'm gonna be a good dad" +"Dadjoked a coworker this morning while she wasn't feeling too great coworker: I feel like utter shit today. me: Gross, I thought udders produced *milk*","I don't think it helped her ):" +"What dating app does a chicken use","Chicken tender" +"Rumor has it there’s a new computer coming out soon","It’s Adele" +"What condition are your toes in when your feet fall asleep","Comatose" +"I threw a party tor all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late","but he really knew how to make an entrance" +"What do vegans and vampires have in common","They both hate stakes" +"Why do surfers eat cold food","Because they don’t like microwaves" +"That's dark, dad. Me: Have you seen Mark Twain's house. It's beautiful. Dad: No. Have you seen Stevie Wonder's house. Me: No","Dad: Neither has he" +"Had my back fixed in. Egypt. Its the only place to find a good","Cairopracter." +"How many ears does davy crockett have. Three","A left ear, a right ear, and a wild front ear" +"Why can't. Mexicans cross the border in 3's","Because the sign says no tres-passing" +"Jimi Hendrix was in an accident back in the day. but it was nothing serious","Just a fender bender" +"A blind man walked into a bar","And the tables and chairs" +"Son: I'm done eating, Mama. Dad: You're done eating Mama. Just heard this in the table behind me. Not a laugh was had","I thought I'd give him the credit he deserves" +"So I'm going through my old toys today and my 3 year old musters up a good one. I came across some old hotwheels and said Hey bud, daddy used to play with hotwheels all the time. He stops, grabs my hands, looks at them with a puzzled look on his face and says no you didnt, your hands aren't burnt. So proud","So proud" +"My work colleague just got me. How do you find Will Smith in the snow","Look for the fresh prints" +"Last night, my mom was complaining about how there wasn't enough estrogen in the house. Her: Its too male in here. Me: Its not like we're in the post office. My dad my brother and my mom all looked at me confused. Me: She said it was too male in here","All three of them got up from the table and left the room" +"I had to replace all the windows in my house today","What a pane" +"What do you call someone with no body and no nose","Nobody knows" +"Scratch might be the most versatile substance","Look at all things people can make from it" +"What is Dr. Pepper’s PHD in","Fizz-icks" +"Do you know why air pumps at gas stations used to be free but are now $1","Inflation" +"My dad just hit me with this one. So I was eating dinner with my brother and his S/O in the dining room as my dad was in the kitchen doing dad things, and as I was telling a joke my dad walked in and told me that my joke wasn't funny. I retaliated with alright, let's here a joke then","This is when he looked at my brother and I and said the only jokes I have is the two sitting at the dinner table Fuckin' dad" +"Did you hear about the fashionista that went into comedy","They ran out of material" +"I got a haircut last week","At first I didn't like it, but it's growing on me" +"Straight from my latin teacher","She was wearing antlers for 'Saturnalia', and upon receiving a compliment for it, she said, Thank you, I'm trying to branch out" +"So,. I went to see big hero 6. And my dad kept asking me why","I hadn't seen the previous 5 before." +"After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working. Your pupils","They dilate" +"Stop buying shredded cheese","Make America grate again" +"Double dad-joke at Five Guys My dad and I are getting lunch at Five Guys Burgers and Fries and he begins ordering before me. I'd like aaaaaaaaaa. he said to drag out his sentence while thinking of what to order. The cashier cuts in and she says, Sorry, but we're all out of aaaaaaas. I say, Darn. I guess I'll have to order an 'uhmmmm'","Me and the cashier then shared a laugh at my dad's expense" +"What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed","Oh sheet" +"How do you weigh dragons","Depends on the scales" +"Why does God look so ripped on all paintings","Because he was the body builder" +"I love building canadian defensive structures","I guess you can say it's my fort eh?" +"I always wanted to be a doctor","But I never had the patience" +"How do you console Thanos when he's upset","Bruh, Just Snap out if it" +"Got dad joked by the girl I'm seeing. I'm so proud NSFW and TMI We decided to do anal tonight for the first time. After the act, we are both sitting on the couch talking about how poop could have happened and she starts laughing. Why are you laughing right now. I only do anal for shits and giggles.","I am a lucky man" +"Dadjoked the dentist just now. My wife, our newborn, and I came to the dentist for my wife's appointment. The Doctor leans over the front desk and starts making those noises women make when babies are seen. Doc: awwww he's soooo cute. How's he doing. Me: well actually doctor, that's why we're here. You see, he was born without teeth. and we're kinda worried about that. It took them (the doctor, assistant, and my wife) a few seconds to realize I was trying (failing) to make a joke","You should've seen my big dopey smile :-)" +"Got dad-joked by my girlfriend. After parking in a lot next to a salon with a European Wax sign in the window. Me: you should get a European wax","Her: no, you should get your peen waxed" +"I call my boss my Work Dad I work for a real estate website and today I was dealing with a listing that had more bathrooms than bedrooms: Me: This house has 3 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms. I always think those are really weird. Boss: You know what kind of people those houses are for, right. Me: . No. Boss: People that are always. ON THE GO","AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Me: Heh Boss: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" +"What do you call a deer with no eyes","I have no idear" +"I Like Mangoes","But I don't like it when my Woman-goes" +"Anyone able to suggest any diet tide pods","I'm washing my figure" +"A saw a $1 radio for sale that said the volume knob was stuck on full blast. At that moment. I knew","I couldnt turn it down" +"What does a farmer, a pimp, and a bluegrass band all have in common","They all know how to throw a hoe down" +"Dad: I'm doing it. After 12 hours of fasting I'm finally breaking my fast","*takes a bite of eggs and toast* Wife: ugh, do you have to do this every morning" +"I just bought a sofa that can fold out or recline","I guess that makes it bi-sectional" +"How do you reserve a table at an Indian restaurant","Make an Indian reservation" +"What technology do Smurf dentists use","Bluetooth" +"Physics midterm http://imgur","com/tNU7RkM" +"Hey Dad","Hey is for horses, I don't eat that stuff" +"How did Helen Keller burn her hand. Trying to read a waffle iron","-My dad" +"Booked this hotel the other day and it stunk of cheese","That’s the last time I stay at the ritz" +"I don't walk to get my pancakes","IHOP" +"I got hit in the head with a can of soda earlier","Luckily it was a soft drink" +"I think all these tax breaks for religions are wrong","We all know atheism is the only true non-prophet" +"Two bird are sitting on a tree, one of them flies and the other one dies. Why","Bird Flew" +"Genie: You have one wish left Dave: I wish I was Rich","Genie: Granted Rich: Nice" +"The family's discussing bad ideas for cobbler fillings after dinner","My dad suggests a leather shoe cobbler" +"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh","Ten tickles" +"Finally figured out what to get my daughter for Christmas. A severed foot","It’s the ultimate stocking stuffer" +"My dad doesn't pop jokes too often but when he does they're gold. My dad and grandma were talking about his wisdom teeth. Dad: They've been coming in and it's been starting to hurt pretty bad within the last couple years. Grandma: Are you sure it's your wisdom teeth. Dad: Yup, I can promise you it's the tooth and nothing but the tooth","" +"My dad trusted no one. He even had a favourite saying about it","But he wouldn’t tell me" +"Why are pirates so cool","They just arrrrr" +"Why does a Chicken Coop have only two doors","Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan" +"I want to get a job at a used record store","So I can tell every customer that all sales are vinyl" +"I was talking to a lady friend of mine who had recently come out as a lesbian","And she said; there's really not that much of a difference, i just eat out a lot more" +"My son's Math Teacher called him average","I think he's mean" +"Little insensitive there, dad. Me: Horrible what's going on in Ukraine, isn't it","Dad: Crimea river" +"I didn't know you guys played rocket league http://www. reddit","com/r/rocketleague/comments/4y86xg/_/d6mijm3" +"Well, you know what the French say","Sorry, I do not speak English" +"What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed","Oh sheet" +"Everyone is getting pregnant, there must be something in the air","I think it's legs" +"Got my co-worker at a hotel restaurant. I: You gonna go get your free flu shot. CW: I don't like shots. I: I'm sure if you asked, they'd make you a flu mixed drink. CW: . I: You know, like a Flu and Coke","CW: haha I: Or a Fludriver" +"What is big, grey and not very important","An irrelephant" +"Ebola is an Italian word. My friend Giuseppe, he a-bowled a 270. My dad told this to me","My goodness" +"Did you get a hair cut","No I cut all of them" +"Can you dump out my coffee. It tastes like tea As my wife was taking out 1 yr old upstairs for a nap she requested, can you dump out my coffee. It tastes like tea . This is what I saw when I dumped her coffee out: https://imgur","com/gallery/11r9U Does it still count as a dad joke if it's executed by a mom" +"With great reflexes","Comes great response ability" +"I bought some distressed jeans today","They haven't stopped crying all afternoon" +"I got out of bed and my girlfriend asked Will you turn the lights off while you're up. I said No, but I can turn the lights off while Asia","Girlfriend cringed" +"My friend asked if we could see the bay while we were in. Virginia. I told him he could have","Chesapeake of it." +"Happy Titanic Day","Oops I mean May Day" +"Why did people hate unclogging toilets before the plunger was invented","It was a lot shittier" +"My Dad and the urologist shared a dadjoke at the worst time. I was 16 and had found a small cyst (marble sized) in my scrotum. My regular Doc. had referred me to a Urologist, my dad came along for support Dr: Hello, I'm Dr. so and so, what brings you in to see me. Dad: Well it's my son here, apparently he has grown a third testicle","Dr: I see, if that's case, the truth is you don't need me, you need to get your son an agent" +"The only good time to yell “I have diarrhea” is when you are playing Scrabble","It's worth a shitload of points" +"My wife stared icily at me and grumbled, “Why does everything have to be a game with you. ” I shouted, “An excellent question, my dear","But next time, please use the buzzer" +"Isn't spork just a little too clever","I mean, it's just a forking spoon" +"It's kinda cheesy, but. Let's make","America grate again." +"I once knew twins who were exactly alike except one was missing an eye","They were dentical twins." +"Got curry last night. I went with my girlfriend to get Curry last night. We had been there before and last time I got the red curry - this time I got the green curry","She asked me which one I thought I was better, I told her it was a thai" +"My sandwich didn't read my post but,. My","SUBREDDIT" +"I went out drinking with my weaver friend, but he left after a few minutes","He said he had a looming deadline" +"Ants must all be British","since they colonize" +"Wife: “I’m pregnant”. Dad: “Hi pregnant,. I’m. Dad”","Wife: “No, you’re not”" +"Why do thieves never steal detergent","They have nothing to Gain from it" +"When furniture shopping, I insisted that we buy a couch and lounge chair separately. We can’t risk getting","*sectionally* transmitted diseases" +"Why did the skeleton burp","Because he didn’t have the guts to fart" +"My Son's Favorite Knock-Knock Joke Knock knock. Who's there. Europe. Europe who. No. You're a poo","Gets him every time" +"Great mimes think alike","They just don't talk about it" +"It's raining outside. Guy at my job says, I hope it keeps up. I say, Why's that","He says, So it doesn't come down" +"How does The Rock pee","He Dwaynes his Johnson" +"The dad joke that hopefully no one will ever use. http://explosm","net/comics/3897/" +"What’s the capital of. Arizona?","A." +"Why did the procrastinator cross the road","I'll tell you tomorrow" +"19. Had. A. Fight","With 20 21" +"Why was the musician arrested","He was in treble" +"My brother's surgeon burst out into song in the. ER. He said it was. Open","Mike night." +"Food doesn't get digested","It gets *organ*ized." +"My friend asked what the number for the German Police was","I told him it was Nein Nein Nein" +"Pachyderm Problems. I gave my friend an elephant to put in his room. He said, Thanks. I said, Don't mention it","" +"Train derails after rail lines stolen","The culprits left no tracks" +"What do you call a potato that sits around the house watching videos online all day","A You-tuber" +"Pulled on my GF in the parking lot My GF and I were walking to my car and there were some wires with clamps on them on the ground for unknown reasons. Her: What are those. I then proceeded to jump over them. She then got a bewildered look on her face. Her: What are you doing. Me: Jumping. Her: Why","Me: They're *jumper cables*" +"A man opened up his front door. and then *he entered the house*","(it's ok if you don't laugh- it's a bit of an inside joke" +"How do you put a baby alien to sleep","You rocket" +"I bought some used food","It tasted like shit" +"I had a dream about being buried by vodka bottles after an earthquake. It was an Absolut nightmare","I am glad to have woken and seen the world and Skyy again" +"My roommate just Dadjoked me. Hey, there's a new feature in the house. You can use your phone to turn off the lights","He then proceeded to press his phone against the lightswitch and walk upstairs giggling" +"I got my boyfriend pretty well with this one last night. My boyfriend told me to kiss him for an extended period. I told him that I don't think I can kiss him for a week straight","It took him a minute, then he laughed pretty hard" +"Daughter: Dad is your computer freezing","Me: Actually, mine feels quite warm" +"I was diagnosed with CDO. It's like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order","As the should be" +"I had to talk to my doctor about my sleep walking condition","He told me to stop following my dreams" +"I tried to tell a dad joke to a kleptomaniac","But he stole the punchline" +"Early release. A stuttering man was released from prison early","He could not finish his sentence" +"What's the best day to make decisions","Choosedays" +"What do you call a cold hot dog","A chili dog" +"Got dad joked by a 7th grader What shoe has a big ass","Nike Minaj" +"My pet mouse, Elvis, died today","He was caught in a trap" +"A mad bomber walks into a bar . He lit the fuse on his bomb and the bartender sprayed him with water from the soda-gun, dousing the bomb and putting out the fuse. The bartender said, “I foiled your plan mad bomber now get out before I call the cops","” The mad bomber re-fused" +"What do you call a bad guy in India","A Curryminal" +"Ebay Vacuum Cleaner Dad: I've decided to put the Vacuum cleaner on ebay Mum: Whys that. Dad: had to, all it did was collect dust","Mum: how did i walk into that" +"Texted my wife asking if she knew anywhere I could get Skoda parts for my Halloween costume","I wanted to go as a Czech engine light" +"My wife just got me :) So we were sitting at at the table having hotdogs for dinner. My mother-in-law and I then both went to ask my daughter for something at the same time, me for the sauce and the MIL for my daughters glasses so she can clean them. Then we ended up taking turns asking My MIL then commented that it was good that we didn't ask at the same time otherwise she would be cleaning the bottle and I would be trying to put glasses on the hot dog. My wife then turned to me and said Then it would be a Seeing Eye Dog. And promptly burst out laughing. This was made all the more special, since my wife is only now just coming out of a 5 year melancholic depression. Yay. EDIT: Changed wording to make it clearer. Thank you very much from both myself and my wife for all your positive thoughts",":)" +"What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire","Frostbite" +"Why were the two prisoners good at grammar","Because they were always thinking about their sentences" +"Girlfriend selling her Audi. “ok guys, say goodbye to the Audi","” Me: Audios" +"What do you call an Egyptian doctor","A Cairopractor" +"Well, to be frank","I’d have to change my name" +"[NSFW]. This coffee is like making love in a canoe","It's fucking close to water." +"Why did the picture go to jail","because it was framed" +"My favourite teacher at school was Mrs","Turtle Strange name but she tortoise well" +"Got my first dad joke laugh Feeding my 7 1/2 month old (meaning a full body experience for anyone in a 5' radius) she unexpectedly hit me in the face and then started giggling. Me: Are you going to be the queen of slapstick comedy. Her: Big toothless grin Me: Because your slap was sticky Her: HA. Giggle, giggle, giggle Wife: HA","Dadjoke" +"I made a spreadsheet of all the grassy plains in Scotland, but lost it when my computer crashed","RIP heath ledger" +"I went into a diner the other day and said to the waitress, I'll have a rubber band sandwich","And make it snappy" +"Have you ever smelled mothballs","How do you pull their little legs open" +"My Dad got a call from one of the Microsoft scammers You know, the ones that prey on the non-techy people and try to convince their computers are infected and need to be remotely cleaned My Dad got a call from one of these once","They said Hello, we are from Windows and and were probably going to tell him that they detected viruses on his PC Instead he cut them off and said No thanks mate, I've already got double glazing and hung up" +"I can't believe my luck. My wife and I just had our first born daughter today","The amount of material that just fell in my lap" +"What do you call a forune teller on the internet","A 4Chan-Teller" +"Did you hear about the psychic who was captured by cannibals. They had to very carefully prepare to eat him for the tribal feast","Because very rarely is a medium well done" +"What did one ocean say to the other ocean","Nothing they just waved" +"How much do Santa’s reindeer cost. Nothing","They are on the house" +"Want to hear a chimney joke. Got stacks of em","First one's on the house" +"Did you hear about the man that got cooled to absolute zero","He's 0K now" +"/r/DadJokes for the lazy - A video with some of the best one-liner dad jokes submitted in 2016 https://youtu. be/15JgRNjVM8E After browsing through some of the past year's posts, I decided to make this video capturing some of the best of what was posted here. All one-liners that translate well do video. Hope you enjoy the recap of the year","If people like this, I may start making a series of some of the top subs posts as Reddit for the Lazy videos, a tl;dr of the top posts, in a single-click video" +"I almost didn't steal the kitchen utensil but it was a whisk","I was willing to take." +"What do you call it when your dog comes home with your neighbour’s cat’s tail in its mouth","A “CatAssTrophy”" +"What do you call an Ant infestation","Talibants" +"Dad playing guitar. This is a","Chinese piece called tu-ning" +"I used to wonder how lightning worked","Then it struck me" +"What does a rapper like to eat most","M&M’s" +"I bought a new pair of shoes from my drug dealer earlier","I don't know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping all day" +"What happened when the drummer broke the rules","He suffered the re-percussions" +"What's black, and white, and red all over","Reddit" +"There was a condition in my employment contract preventing me from dressing up as Father Christmas during festive time","It was a Santa clause" +"Penny production with Abraham Lincoln’s face seems to be quite low this year","It’s only one percent" +"My friend's dad was really pleased with himself. They just put their house up for sale","Friend: They have put the sign up Dad: Oh right, has anyone stopped and looked Friend: Yes a few people Dad: Well that's a good sign then" +"Bilingual Dad-joked my girlfriend. My girlfriend speaks french, so I knew she'd get my joke. Anyways, we were eating breakfast and she was talking about liking spinach for its iron content","I said That's fer" +"If. I torrent movies on a. VPN in the. Bahamas. Does that make me a. Pirate of the","Caribbean?" +"What do you call a fake astronaut","An astro-not" +"If. I were a rapper, my rap name would be","Lay-Z" +"My friend told me a story about how he punched my neighbor in the face","It hit really close to home" +"My roommates kid was showing off her new stuff She said I got an apple too I replied with What happened to your apple one","heard the roommate laughing at that from her bedroom" +"I keep asking what LGBTQ stands for","But I never get a straight answer" +"I was at the paint store the other day and. after the guy put my paint on the counter he asks, do you wanna box for that","I replied, no but I'll wrestle you for it" +"My. Indian friend was making flatbread kebabs in an iron skillet and ruined a whole batch","Should have used the naan-stick pan instead" +"Dad (Mom) Joked my Two Year Old Daughter My two year old was at the kitchen table coloring when I saw her put a crayon in a cup and pretend to drink from it. I then asked her how was your crayon berry juice. She just gave me a Whatever Mom look and kept coloring","At least my husband laughed at it" +"A Resistance Band Mom: I want to start working out with a resistance band. Dad: A resistance band","Is that like Rage Against the Machine" +"Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning. He was too far out, man","[xpost from r/AskReddit]" +"Did you hear about the animals that shared an Amazon account","They were Prime-mates" +"What does a dad do to find out who changed the thermostat","Whatever it takes" +"How does NASA organise a party","They Planet" +"There was a big red sign on the toilet door. It said: NOT IN USE","So I opened the door and they were right, nobody was in there" +"Texting my girlfriend's dad. Girlfriend : Can you text my dad and let him know thanks for dinner. Me : Yeah sure, I replied. I tried to text Thanks for dinner. Girlfriend : Delete that text and take the period out. I'm not a period person. Me : But you are a girl","Girlfriend gives me side-eye" +"Wife came out with a cracker of a joke the other morning. So she's driving me in to work because my car's at the garage having some work done, when there's a sudden beep of horns and a minor road rage incident between two identical cars like this: https://carleasingmadesimple. com/news/v01/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/Mini-Countryman-rear-view-1024x767","jpg Without even a split second hesitation she comes out with Well, you'd think their fellow countryman would simply let them merge wouldn't you" +"Four days late but, How does Good King Wenceslaus like his pizza","Deep pan, crisp and even" +"Dad joked by the Decemberists. I attended a Decemberists concert this evening. Before the encore, the drummer, John, insisted that he tell us a joke. Did you hear about the pig who had a cut on his leg. Yeah, his friend came by and asked, 'Would you like me to get you some OINK-ment","' The only sound that followed was that of myself clapping" +"[knock, knock] who is it. Me: \[hears knock on door\] who is it","Trooper: State Police identify yourself Me: Police identify yourself Trooper: State Police Me: Police" +"Laughed harder than I should have. > Say dad, why are you wearing a shirt with a bunch of holes in it. I ask him one morning","> Because Sunday is holy day, he responds" +"How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke","When it becomes apparent" +"I had to take channel locks to it. :/ Text conversation today Me: hey honey, I got that pickle jar open. Wife: oh, that's great babe. You're the best","Me: ehh, it was no big dill" +"Why did that blind man walk into the well","Because he couldn’t see that well" +"Regardless of who wins the election today, let's hope that whoever runs in 2020 has the perfect vision this country needs","Sorry Bernie fans, but he wears glasses so he's either far or near-sighted" +"What do you call Area 51 vs. the Vatican. Alien vs","predator" +"I was playing XBox with my kids when it started to get some graphical glitches. I was player 4, here is a shot of the glitch: [Screenshot](http://i. imgur. com/IuwsbwM. jpg). They started laughing hysterically, I said it is snot funny","The laughter stopped and they all started groaning in unison" +"How do you say Sup dawg. in Japanese","Konichihuahua" +"Did you hear the joke about adhesive","It's pretty tacky" +"You know what works better when tired","Cars" +"I was carrying my ukulele in its case at school and my friend asked, You play an instrument","I replied, Yeah, I play a little guitar" +"Where do fish keep their money","In the riverbank" +"I would tell you a joke about penguins. But","I don't think it's going to fly 🐧" +"A Father's Day Dad Joke This morning I was sitting around the breakfast table with my family while my brother and father were talking about my brother's baseball game later today. My mother said, Don't forget to put on sunscreen, to my brother, to which my dad responded, If he puts on sunscreen, should I put on dadscreen","Happy Father's Day everybody" +"What did the St. Louis police say when they couldn't arrest a man placing snails on people","It's about slime we caught this Louisville slugger" +"Just got dad joked. By my mom. I am at home visiting, and today she said she needed to go to the pharmacy for her sleeping pills. I said I didn't know she was on sleeping pills. Then she said, It's birth control","I crush them up and put them in your sister's coffee, then I sleep great" +"my dad made a great observation. all the math teachers were pregnant at my middle school, and i remember asking my dad why","dad: because they like to multiply" +"joke of the day Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody lies around it. The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right. ” Son: “Yeah. ” Detector: “Beep. “ Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema. ” Detector: “Beep. ” Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends. ” Father: “What. At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol. “ Detector: “Beep. ” Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son. ” Detector: “Beep","”" +"I spotted a jaguar today","Now it looks like a leopard" +"My grandpa's joke in the hardware store My dad told me this, one of my grandpa's old jokes. When he went into the hardware store to buy lumber, he would ask for some 2x4's","When the guy at the desk asked how long he wanted them, he would say Oh a long time, we're building a deck" +"I just learned what the prime quality of Soviet snipers was","turns out it was marxmanship" +"How do you fix a broken jack-o-lantern","With a pumpkin patch" +"I've been out-dad'ed. Feeling my wife's back I noticed her bra strap was twisted. How can this not drive you nuts. I asked. Without missing a beat, she replies I don't have nuts to drive","Proud to have her as the mother of my children" +"What is a pirate’s favorite letter","But his true love be the C" +"I lost my mood ring today","I’m not sure how to feel about it" +"$52. 95 is an oddly specific amount of money. But $52","94 is an evenly specific amount of money" +"What is a planet and a black hole at the same time","Uranus" +"I was trying to show my dad the advantages of storing his passwords in the cloud in order to never lost them and have access from anywhere when. He looked at my with a smile in his face and say","But what if it's sunny" +"Found in my school newspaper from 1929. http://imgur","com/a/pN1x8" +"I picked up a book on woodworking","Just need to carve out some time to read it" +"A six sided man walks into a bar and orders a gon","The bartender says, What the heck's a gon" +"I Have a lot of Dad jokes about Unemployed people","But none of them seem to work" +"What was it called when all the good dinosaurs ascended to Heaven before the meteor struck","The veloci-rapture" +"Why is Pavlov's hair so soft. It's conditioned","My dad just told me this one" +"I'm in a time traveling rock band. It's called","AD/BC" +"My co-worker always wears a cat shirt on Saturdays to celebrate Caturday","I told her I thought the idea was purrfect" +"Why couldn't the electricity go outside","Because it was grounded" +"Why does Santa come down the chimney on Christmas Eve","Because it soots him" +"What do you call a. Russian potato","Spudnick" +"My boss hates curved structures, but I love them","He's my arch enemy" +"Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon","The food is great, but there’s just no atmosphere" +"What is a yankee","Same thing as a quickie, but you do it alone" +"Dad and son create a pun fueled, food map [x-post /r/interestingasfuck] http://imgur. com/a/j9cGL","gallery" +"What does a Swedish dog say","Bjark" +"A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb","He just can't part with it" +"My boy asked me to hand him his sunglasses","I told him I'd do it as soon as he handed me my dadglasses" +"A dad at the zoo Today I was with my friends and one of their families at the zoo. We walk past a reindeer buck with a large set of antlers, and the dad says Wow. Look at the nice rack on that one","Everyone in the area proceeded to either burst out laughing or roll their eyes" +"I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet","So I asked my 16 siblings and they didn't know either" +"My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag","Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby" +"Last night I had an argument with my husband I told him to take what's his and leave. He picked me up and left straight out the door","Needless to say, our argument ended" +"Why did the Vampires cancel their cricket game","Because they couldnt find their Bats" +"What is the best time on the clock. 6:30","Hands down" +"A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender. ’ She says, ‘No, first a Gibson","Then a Fender" +"My dad decided to get a new car He got a Ford","When I asked him why, he said: Because it's the only one I can afford" +"Can I think of a red wine pun","You bet Shiraz I can" +"My girlfriend wanted today's date. Her: What's the day today. Me: Monday. Her: The","Me: Day before Tuesday HAHAHAHAHAHA" +"I is not pro-Trump or pro-Clinton","I is a pronoun." +"What vampire does everyone accept, but basically ignore","DracEULA" +"When offered to take food For the road . My daily dad joke, after a school event: Come on. Take an apple for the road Well I'm sure the road isn't hungry, but I would love an apple",":O)" +"To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name","They now prefer to go by Alt-writists" +"Dad, what time is it. Time you got a watch","*Every time*" +"Today, my girlfriend asked if I could get the vacuum cleaner. I told her no. I had already cleaned it pretty well once","It wasn't getting any cleaner than that" +"The soldiers who survived mustard gas and pepper sprays","Are seasoned veterans." +"Did you hear that in Ohio they're having round hay bails outlawed. The agricultural group behind the new law say it's to make sure all cows get a square meal","(Courtesy of my Uncle, king of the dadjoke" +"Did you take a shower today","Make sure to bring it back" +"Conjunctivitis","com Now that’s a site for sore eyes" +"A joke from my dad the Doctor I asked him whether he has more patients in the winter","His reply- No, I'm pretty impatient all year round" +"What do you call it when everyone at work gets sick","A staff infection" +"Did anyone hear about the chemist who died","Yeah, they had to barium" +"I don't have a dad bod","I have a father figure." +"One day when I was young, I watched my father grill burgers. When they were done he handed me one telling me it was a bison burger","He then left and never came back" +"What do you call a rich Chinese person","Cha Ching" +"I got locked out of my kitchen today:","I had gnocchi." +"What did the globe say to the grumpy map","I don't like your latitude" +"What happens when frogs park illegally","They get toad" +"Man. gravity","It's a real downer" +"What do you call the dumbest fish in a school","Dinner" +"A guy threw a gallon of milk at my head","How dairy" +"Dad got my med-student sister In a room together with my sister and parents after not having seem them for a long time. Sister places her fingers a little under my ear (male) and is explaining to my mom what she has been learning in med school, This the mandibular angle. My dad, also a doctor, then places his fingers on the same place on my sister's face and says, and this is the *woman*dibular angle","Cue hysterical laughter and me and my dad high fiving each other" +"My son told me to pick him up from school at five past three","So I got there at eight" +"Made an unintentional dad joke last night. My wife comes into the room where I'm changing our first son, and says, Whats up. I, busy and slightly frustrated with his wet clothes replied, Urine trouble. Afraid that this was indication of her bad mothering she asked, What did I do","Took us a couple minutes to get through that one" +"Why aren't any exterminators super into their jobs","Because then they would be extreme-inators" +"My. American friend keeps critizing communism in all caps","I think he's a capitalist." +"My dad: My socks seem to be religious Me: how so","My dad: cause they’re holy" +"My friend is Mexican magician, and he said he could make himself disappear on the count of 3. So he looked at me and said uno, dos. then poof. He disappeared without a tres","[The fact that I just heard this from Pat Sajack on WoF makes it even more dad-like" +"I once photographed a track team practice for the high school yearbook","I guess you could call it *timed laps* photography" +"On the weekend at Chapters Chapters is a book store up here in Canada. A checkout line just opened so we were the first in the line. After paying, the receipt was taking a while to print. The cashier remarked it's the first printing to which I replied ooh those are normally worth more","The cashier didn't know what to say and my wife rolled her eyes so hard it looked like she was going to have a stroke" +"My daughter was so angry with me when. I told her. I got her piano lessons. That's when","I found out she was prone to violins" +"My dad's car joke (Both of us are getting into his car) (The screen says the left back door is ajar). Dad:","That's not a jar, thats a door." +"A wolf, a fox and a weasel all go to a diner. The waitress comes over and asks them what they want to drink. “Coffee” growls the wolf. “Water” says the fox. And “Pop","” goes the weasel" +"What did the knife say when it solved the math problem","I'm so cleaver" +"What is a bag of beans you can't eat","A beanbag" +"What does pasta say when it's done praying","Ramen" +"I bet twenty dollars that I could make a little horse joke, but I can't think of one","I'm going to have to pony up" +"What do you call a bunch of crows inside a tent","Murder within tent" +"What has four letters, sometimes has nine letters, but never has five letters","There’s no question" +"My psychiatrist said I was crazy, so I told him I wanted a second opinion","He said, Alright, you're ugly too" +"What kind of a victory dance did Trump do after winning the election","Poll dance" +"My friend was showing me her mixtape when the track changed from Dust in the Wind to Hold the Line . I said Hey, this sounds different. Are we still on the same band. She said Toto","I don't think we're on Kansas anymore" +"What is it called when a skeleton works for free","Pro Bono" +"What do you call a woman on top of a house","Ruth" +"So I got arrested at the laundromat yesterday","Left a $20 in my jeans and they got me for money laundering" +"I avoid bike trails after dark","They're full of cycle paths" +"What did Luke say to his sister's first boyfriend","You better not Leia finger on her" +"Do you want me to call you a taxi","You're a taxi" +"My friend kept telling me that I’m too obsessed with my pet parrot","So I gave him the bird" +"What do you call a pastor who got bailed out. Christian","Bale" +"Crime is getting worse where I live, so my dad decided to give me some protection and boxed up his trusty 9mm, a big and a small clip and a bunch of shells for me. [Xpost /r/funny] https://imgur","com/2ylrnpK" +"I told my son the time I drove to work in a limousine. He didn't believe me","Well I can't blame him, it WAS a bit of a stretch" +"I have this rare disease that causes me to talk like a. YouTuber","Please be sure to like, subscribe, and comment below." +"Diners, drive-ins, and dad jokes My gf and I were watching the food network when Guy Fieri comes on for a commercial. I start to rant about my general annoyance with him. Me: . yada, yada, yada. his hair just makes me. GF: Fieri-ous. I had to stop mid rant because that was pretty good","I think my girlfriend became a dad" +"I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant","I never got a straight answer" +"I was polled: “When counting to five on your fingers, where do you start. ” Me: “One” (He was interested in thumb, or index finger. Apparently he had a write-in for pinky","Weird)" +"Son: How did you lose the little finger on your left hand, Dad","Dad: I was showing someone how I lost the one on my right" +"Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle. Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question","dogs can't whistle" +"I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but it’s ok now","I turned myself around" +"A guy walks into a bakery The baker says, Hello. What can I get you. Yes, I'd like a p-p-p-p cobbler, the guy says while wringing his hands. The baker looks at him confused, I'm sorry, what type of cobbler. A p-p-p-p cobbler, the guy says while starting to sweat. The baker says, Do you mean a peach cobbler. The guy smiles and nods his head, Yes, that's what I meant","Sorry, I have peach impediment" +"Boss texts me: “Send me one of your funny jokes. ” I reply: “I’m busy working. I’ll send one later","” Boss texts me: “That’s hilarious, send me another one" +"I taught my son the meaning of abundance","He said: thanks dad, that really means a lot" +"I was wondering if headstrong William is going to bequeath anything to his son William by his own choice","Will willful Will will Will willingly" +"Why are wooden hard drives so bad","They're all bark and no byte" +"I was shopping for a stove last night,","They had a range of options." +"What was that dinosaur with a wrecking ball hanging from its tail","Mileysaurus" +"My dad gave me a challenge today. Challenge One: Dad- How do you spell Mississippi without your I's. Me- (After some thinking, I gave up) I don't know, how do you do it. Dad- * covers eyes * M-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p-i","" +"Why is communism hip right now","Because they've seized the memes of production" +"Family trees, am I right","They're so relatable" +"What do you call a Mexican carpet layer","Underlay underlay" +"What animal is known for running in straight lines","The anti-loop" +"It is Christmas Eve. What is your best Christmas themed Dad Joke. Share your best Christmas Dad jokes here so we can keep our families groaning all through Christmas. I'll start: How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet","25, because there is Noel" +"My Grandpa dropped this one on me just now","When flying to Prague, all of your bags are Czeched" +"What’s the difference between a fish and a piano","You can tune a piano, but you can’t piano a tuna" +"What was the trucker's excuse when he was late with a shipment of computers","It was a hard drive" +"I hated my job as a can crusher","It was soda pressing" +"I've created a monster My 7 year old daughter calls me: Dad, can you help me with. ” I'm not your Dad — I interrupt trying the daily dad joke– I'm an alien, an my friends kidnapped your Dad 7y old daughter: you mean","he was Dadnapped" +"I asked my kids, Why isn't an iPhone charger.","called Apple Juice" +"“Dad, what does entropy mean. ” Dad: Hard to say","It isn’t what it used to be" +"Dad Joke Witnessed IRL Just heard the best Dad joke in real time at the Jiffy Lube and I bet this guy has been waiting his whole life for this moment. Clerk: Sir, are you here for an oil change. Guy (probably in his 70s): No, but the car is","Clerk: (puts head on desk and starts laughing)" +"Why do you only hear Michael Buble during Christmas","Because you only break out the bubbly for special occasions" +"I asked my dad if he'd give me some feedback on the newest song I was writing","He took the guitar from my hands, leaned it on the front of my amp and left the room" +"It took me a long time to recover from my broken neck but afterwards,","I never looked back." +"Wife I told my wife that I wanted things to be like they were before. She asked me if I meant like it was when we first met","I said ,'' No , before that''" +"Time flies like an arrow","Fruit flies like an apple" +"I got pulled over by a cop. He came up to me and asked Do you know why I was following you","I said My tweets were funny" +"Apparently Google Assistant recently became a father. I saw this on the FrontPage and immediately thought of you guys. https://imgur","com/8Be1Y7J" +"(NSFW) - A guy walks into a bar and order 9 shots from the bartender. The bartender says damn man, what's the occasion. The guy replies first blowjob. The bartender says well damn man the 10th one is on me","To which the man replies no way, if 9 shots don't wash the taste out, nothing will" +"Friend's sister got it good today. My friend's sister is talking about how rushing is coming up for her sorority and how she's nervous. Sister: Rushing is a few months away and I'm already freaking out about that","Dad: Well maybe you should slow down" +"You know the d-pad on a controller right","Mine seems to be missing, it must've just downright up and left" +"Today at a burger joint","While at lunch with my grandpa and my mom I ordered my burger and the waitress asked what kind of fries I'd like, my first thought and reply was French Grandpa was proud" +"What's Forrest Gump's password","1forrest1" +"What do you call a vampire with a cold","Nosfer-AH-choo" +"My attempted dad joke failed pretty hard on one of the kids I work with today. **My plan:** Me: Hey, do you have any snoo. Youngster: Huh. What's snoo. Me: Nothing much, thanks for asking. What's new with you. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahha **What really happened** Me: Hey, do you have any snoo. Youngter: *sensing a trap* No, I think most of the snoo is up in the north east lately","Me: *Stunned silence*" +"A month ago I was kidnapped because my husband is a wealthy landowner. It turns out, all the kidnappers wanted was one of his quarries. It's a very profitable quarry, to be sure, but still","Now I know what it feels like to be taken for granite" +"I dont think. Jeremy. Clarkson knows anything about cars. But. James","May." +"Two men walk into a bar","The 3rd one ducks and misses it" +"Did you hear about the Indian bread shortage","Don’t worry about it, it’s a naan-issue" +"What would Jesus Poo","Holy Sh" +"A man wearing all purple was arrested yesterday","The police took him to a cell and told him indigo" +"What is a belt made out of watches","A waist of time" +"What do you call an Arnold Schwarzenegger action figure","The Toyminator" +"Dad joked my boss Manager sent a group text asking us to text back to confirm we understood So I text back","I could feel the groans over the text" +"When a girl gets married","she is dis-*miss*\-ed" +"The most famous sheen While getting paint for a project at Lowes, my wife asked the customer service rep which option was the most popular sheen","I said Charlie and neither of them found it funny" +"I am grilling tonight. I don't know how these sausages will turn out","but I am expecting the wurst" +"I want to start running twenty four-hour gyms","And they’ll all be open from 11 to 3 daily" +"What do you call a deer with no eyes","No idea" +"Good morning, Beautiful. I'm only wearing two pieces of my three piece suit today. My wife looked up at me, And. I guess I'm sorry for not telling you that you married a sans-vest-ite","She stared blankly at me and then rolled her eyes" +"Dad over text this morning: I just invented a new thing called a chair. Me: Riiight. Dad: You're going to want to sit down for this one","Me: Dad stop" +"I don't always tell Dad jokes","but when I do, he laughs" +"Clark. Kent never needed a chaperone on field trips as a kid","Because he already had super vision." +"Raising 6 kids mostly on her own meant my Grandma had bring the dad jokes too. My cousin just asked if he could borrow $20 to buy a box of diapers and he would give it back to her next week","She says, I have the money but what am I going to do with a box of diapers" +"My overused dad joke is. When the waitress hands us the bill and says you can pay this whenever you want","I reply, is tomorrow ok with you" +"What do you call a creepy artist","Sketchy" +"Dadjoked my girlfriend when she took our daughter for her first checkup A few weeks ago, my girlfriend took our daughter to her three month checkup while I was at work. She updated me on how big she's gotten: GF: She's getting so big. She's almost two feet :) Me: Um. I'm pretty sure she has two feet, I checked this morning","Mommy wasn't amused" +"I have a fear of elevators","I am going to start taking steps to avoid them." +"Dad: What's Santa's nationality. Me: Finnish. Dad: He's a Northpole","Me: *eyes roll*" +"What are the choices for dinner, tonight","We always have a couple choices in my house; yes or no" +"Just spent all night installing a punching bag in my home gym","Time to hit the sack" +"Got my son at the store","Thankfully, he didn't cost much" +"I just sold my vacuum","All it was doing was collecting dust" +"My dad proved his worth the other night We were watching the Monday Night football game between the Eagles and the Bears, and we were discussing Carson Wentz, the Eagles new quarterback. Me: Where did he play in college again. Dad: From Wentz he came","North Dakota State" +"My son is really easy to trick","He was born yesterday" +"What do you call a transgender running club","Transport" +"what do genitals wear when they’re cold","vesticles" +"Did you see the secret shopper at the bedding store. Of course not","He was under cover" +"Simba was moving slowly so. I told him","To mufasa" +"Who is the penguin’s favorite relative","Antarctica" +"I'm an assassin, but I consider myself a storyteller","I specialize in surprise endings" +"Where are average things built","In the satisfactory" +"Thor was the worst singer","he could never hit the low key" +"Did you hear the one about the three-legged dog who walked into a bar","He was lookin' for the man who shot his paw" +"What did the baker say when he used both turkey and chicken together","Killing two birds with one scone" +"Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween","Dad: They must have been out of their gourds" +"Canning pickles is a serious tradition in my family","No really, it's a big dill" +"I was sitting on the couch patting my baby on the butt I said to my wife: Look, I'm patting her on the butt.   My wife says: You're like General Patton.   Me: Or Patton Oswald.   Wife: I was going to say Patton Oswald, but.   Me: You were looking for a more *General* term","  Wife: You're really dumb" +"I play the triangle in a reggae band","I just stand at the back and ting" +"What do you call a nervous abominable snowman","An anxiyeti" +"The student surpasses the teacher I have an autistic student who doesn't pick up on sarcasm, social cues and the like. We were painting paper mache volcanoes that we made. Another staff member says Don't put too much paint on because it will run","Without missing a beat the student asks (in a serious manner) How can it run if it doesn't have legs" +"Did you hear about the new BBQ flavored cereal. They're called Mesquite-O's. and its got a little bit of a bite to it","I'll show myself out" +"The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. **It was an Apple with limited memory; just one byte","Then, everything crashed" +"Do you think beer makes you smarter","Well it made Budweiser" +"made my wife cringe when she came home My wife comes back from the store: Wife: babe I got some beer they have some Halloween themed flavors now. One is a vampire theme. Its caramel flavor. Me:what is the link between caramel and vapires","Wife: not sure Me: wait I know it tastes so bad when you take a sip you go bleh bleh bleh Wife: -_-" +"What government official loves grammar","Comma-la Harris" +"I honestly don't think people should bye velcro shoes","They're all rip-offs" +"Dad joke courtesy of a Guitar Center employee I was playing this guitar at guitar center today. I started playing Here to Stay by Korn and an employee walks by and goes dang, nobody has picked up that guitar in a while. I thought it was here to stay and basically did the did you get it dad face","I laughed more than I should have" +"Major respect to my foot","It’s a leg-end" +"I wrote a song about a tortilla","Actually, it's a wrap" +"Southwest stewardess just dropped this: That landing wasn't the pilots fault, it wasn't the first captains fault","It was the asphalt" +"Sadly, my secretary has developed a fairly serious wheat allergy","[dictated but not bread]" +"Customer: will my pizza be long. Waiter: No, sir, it'll be round","(Heard this one from a friend)" +"Whenever. I feel blue","I start breathing again" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at the local high school","He slept through his whole class" +"I have CDO","It's a lot like OCD, but I've put it in alphabetical order" +"What did the nut say when he was chasing the other nut. 🥜 “I’m going to cashew","” *my dad actually sent this in the family group chat, had to share even if it’s an old joke*" +"Do you know what I do when my playstation is sad","I console it" +"Are any of you guys familiar with fly fishing","I hear you need a REALLY tiny hook to catch one" +"What did the salads say before departing","Lettuce leaf" +"Dublin in the fastest growing city in Ireland","It's Dublin every day" +"Did you hear about the murder at the paint factory","The killer was caught red handed, but I heard it got covered up" +"Overheard this wonderful conversation An older man and older woman were walking past the art department at my school. They talked about art for a bit, then the woman nudged the man and said I bet you have an artistic side. He said yeah, I can draw flies. And he waits. They walk a few more paces","I don't shower very often" +"Did you hear about the road where all the crazy people go","Apparently its a psycho path" +"At last I found some concrete IT support https://i. imgur. com/xKsNWyA","png" +"Why do seagulls fly over the ocean","Because they'd be called bagels if they flew over the bay" +"Tonight at McDonald's. We pull up to order Intercom: Welome to McDonald's. What can I get for you. Brother: Yes, can we get a minute. Intercom: I'm sorry sir we're fresh out of minutes, but we do have moments","We all had a good laugh after some stunned pause" +"At The Zoo Son: The touch tank is open","Me: Yeah, I'm really not feelin' it" +"A bit of a rant","A ra" +"My grandpa told me this one the other day. So you've heard of the knights of the round table, King Arthur and all them. so have you ever wondered why they have a round table rather than a square one. Do you know which person from their group designed the table","It was Sir Cumference" +"Get my wife whenever I set my alarm clock She asks What are you setting it for","I give her a funny look and tell her To wake me up in the morning of course" +"My Dad *finally* Dad Joked me. I'm so happy. My Dad has always been a bit cool (plays in bands, hangs around with much younger guys etc) but at the weekend, on his 67th birthday, he FINALLY Dad joked me. We were talking about the local rugby team and I said They're playing a French team. I think it's Toulouse. He said That's not very positive is it. Playing to lose. No wait, I said, checking the website, They're playing Toulon. Ohh, well in that case, it won't be a short game","I finally feel like a proper daughter" +"So today is a lazy Sunday morning, so I'm wearing a raggedy shirt with holes. My brother and dad noticed. Brother: I'm gonna burn that shirt. Me: What, it's my lazy, around-the-house shirt. Dad (to my brother): What day is it. Brother: Sunday","Dad: There you go, it's a holey shirt" +"In the car with mum when. Mum and I are driving home on the motorway and the traffic is awful. I call dad to let him know. Hey dad, won't be home for a while, still crawling down the M32 at the moment. Well, don't you think you'd go faster if you got back in the car","Sigh" +"BIL was telling us about one of his exes who counted everything. In fact, her incessant counting was a factor in the breakup","FIL quips I wonder what she's up to" +"What do you call a hot pepper with its seeds removed","A hollow peño" +"I like when people take pictures of me","It's *flatter*ing" +"You’re not going to offend anyone with jokes about legless cows","The steaks are low" +"During a war,. Communists are. Russian. The","Japanese are just loli-gagging." +"Spring is acting like a bitter ex-wife","I just wanna see my sun" +"How did the dentist become a brain surgeon","His drill slipped" +"My wife asked me Do you know what's odd","I responded Yes, numbers that aren't divisible by 2 She shook her head and walked away :)" +"Where do pigs park","The porking lot" +"At first I thought they were frozen together but then I realised. http://imgur","com/gallery/2Hn3cGT" +"My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes","They did unspeakable things to her" +"My friend guessed that my favourite dog is a Dalmatian","His guess was spot-on" +"My dad dropped this one the other day. Me: Crap I just cut my hand with that knife","Dad: Don't worry it will feel better when it stops hurting" +"I hate when people get mad at those claw machines","Like, c'mon, get a grip" +"What does a snowman bring the barbeque","Brrrrrr-gurs Can't claim this as mine alone my six year old help come up with it" +"Wife walked right into this one. http://i. imgur. com/mNJHNx5","jpg" +"Why was the broom late to dinner. It overswept","^^Obligatory^^stolen^^from^^a^^friend" +"What do call a midget fortune-teller that escaped from prison","A small medium at large" +"I. Thought. I. Signed. Up. For. The. Prostate. Rally","I was surprised that everyone was wearing patriotic gear there instead." +"What happens when you put a metal spoon in microwave. https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=q5ujktxYEUM" +"There’s safety in Numbers","But there is some weird stuff in Leviticus" +"What do you call a rodent with a machine gun","A ratatatatata" +"Why does it take a pirate so long to learn the alphabet","Because he spends years at C" +"Which playing cards are the best dancers","The King and Queen of clubs" +"Is this considered a dadjoke. My sister and I are watching the Australia-Netherlands WC game and she suddenly asks, Sister: What's the capital of Netherlands. Me: Amsterdam. Sister: Hungary. Me: Starving","It's half past one and my sleepy self is so proud of myself" +"I'm reading a book on anti-gravity","It's impossible to put down" +"Why are wingless birds so calm","Because they're unflappable" +"Got my fiance's dad at the dinner table asking if my fiance and I were still going to a concert that night: Him: Are you guys going out","Me: actually, we're engaged" +"What do you call a guy with no shins","Toe-knee" +"My wife bought store brand ketchup despite the fact that I like Heinz. I threw it out, so now I guess she knows","Heinzsight is 20/20" +"My therapist refused to help me with my fear of backing up my car","She said she would under no circumstances perform reverse psychology" +"I told my daughter I had a confession to make. She followed me out to the deck, and I confessed to her that I have been smoking grass. [Then I opened the lid on my smoker. ](http://i. imgur. com/0yF0AuP","jpg)" +"How Frozen can be a bad thing My fiance had a grudge over someone and mid argument I thought it was funny to blurt out: me: Why can't you just be like Elsa. fiance: What. me: Let it go","Currently setting up the sofa in the lounge" +"What is an alcoholic’s favorite book","*Tequila Mockingbird*" +"Happened when we were watching Star Wars III Right at the part where Windu dies Dad: Wow","I guess he got thrown out the windu" +"So, my son got new socks, with Snoopy and Charlie Brown characters on them. Me: You can't wear those to school. Him: Why not","Me: Some kids have Peanuts allergies" +"Was driving down the road and my son sees a car with a Wisconsin license plate and points it out to me","I said I know, I can smell their dairy air from here" +"Cortana dropped this on me What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook","Wet feet" +"What did Plato's dentist study","Flossophy" +"Dad, May I try on that dress in the window","Dad: I’m sorry, honey, you’ll have to do it in the dressing room" +"My dad has a rare genetic disorder that he passed down to me. He poops his pants every hour on the hour","Needles to say I have really shitty genes" +"My ex-wife still misses me","But her aim is getting better!" +"All these silly. New. Year's resolution dadjokes reminded me of a. New","Year's resolution from 20 years ago it was 640x480" +"Dadjoked by a surgeon today. The nurses were talking about weight loss tips and the attending surgeon piped up. You guys know the secret to losing weight is gambling, right. Just last week I was in London and I lost more than a few pounds","" +"You guys hear about the guy that had his ears lopped off","He didn't either" +"My dad talking about our cruise to. Alaska","My mom suggested that we do a five night cruise, so of course my dad responded, I'm on board!" +"I used to be a safe driver I really did. But then i gave it up","Who wants to drive a safe" +"I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'","But he hesitated" +"What do you do when a duck throws a bread back at you","You'd have to duck" +"Why did the eyebrow stylist go to jail","Because he was charged with tweezin" +"What do you call Iron Man when he can’t get out of his suit","Tony Stuck" +"What did one twin say to the other","We’re running out of womb" +"People tell me. I'm a terrible naval captain","Oops, wrong sub" +"I was explaining how to make Sun Tea to my daughter and she asked if she could make it in a pot instead of a jar","I told her that if she did that, she would make potty" +"Did you hear what happened to the blind circumcision doctor","He got the sack" +"What do you call a deer with 20/20 vision","A good eye deer" +"So the Pope walks into a mosque","and the Imam says 'Why the wrong faith" +"What superhero is the best at driving","Peter PARKer" +"What did the 0 say to the 8","Nice belt" +"What is Ironman’s favorite ride at the amusement park","The Ferrous Wheel" +"Ever since i changed my matress","Sleeping feels much bedder" +"Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account","They were Prime mates" +"I’m making a series documentary on how to fly a plane","We’re currently filming the pilot" +"My wife emailed me a photo of our first date together, but I couldn’t open the file","I have trouble with emotional attachments" +"Why did the rooster go to KFC","To see the chicken strip" +"I like to fly up to Alaska every once in a while just to cry my eyes out","I find it very catharctic" +"My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline","He said it got pushed back" +"I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings","It's a complex complex complex" +"Saw X-Men: Days of Future Past with my dad today and got one-upped on my dad joke. Walking out of the theater I said, All I have to say about Hugh Jackman is that his name is accurate. He was jacked, man. My dad looks over at me, confused. He goes, What are Hugh talking about","Laughs were had" +"Tech tip: It’s dangerous to download “Come Sail Away” or “Satisfaction”","It’s perfectly safe to download “Turn, Turn, Turn” Styx and Stones may break your phones, but Byrds will never hurt you" +"One of my junior sailors asked me why divers fall backwards into the water. Because if they fell forward they'd still be in the boat. Back story. We give the new guys a hard time. It's tradition","Whenever we get a new kid they always send them to me with one of these questions" +"We were at the aquarium. All dads in the vicinity made the same joke. There was a man cleaning a tank but all you could see was his hand. My dad leans to me and says look. It's a rare hand fish. The dad next to us with his two kids said look everyone. Do you see the hand fish. That ones my favorite. As we walked a way another family walked up and I heard their dad say here we have the hand fish. Edit: I told my dad about the response this is getting, to which he replied Wow. Is it going viral. Should I call my doctor","(Keep in mind he doesn't know how the internet works" +"I finally achived my lifelong goal of climbing to the top of Everest","But since then it's all been down hill" +"Believe it or not kids, dancing can be just as dangerous as drugs. I was once addicted to the hokey-pokey","But then I turned myself around" +"This morning I burnt my toast but I was in a rush so I ate it anyway. It upset my stomach","I must be black-toast intolerant" +"What do you call a bird that goes to church","A bird of prey" +"If my son turned out to be transgender, he ain’t no son of mine","She’s my daughter🥰" +"Son: Dad, what's your secret for being so down to earth","Dad: Gravity" +"I met my girlfriends parents the other day. Her dad said, “So I guess we will be seeing a lot more of each other","” I put my arm around his daughter and said “I’m sorry sir, I have a girlfriend" +"I was asking my little brother if he knew who Baloo from the Jungle Book was. My dad butted in after my brother said he didn't know. Maybe he knows Red or Green","I fucking lost it" +"My brother hit me with this after I questioned if he should be day drinking on a Wednesday","Don't worry, boss said it was ok He owns his own business" +"Ghosts make the best cheerleaders","They've got the most spirit" +"What did JAY Z call his wife after he proposed her","FEYONCE" +"Which cult is the toughest","Difficult" +"My dad was standing in the kitchen earlier I'm on my laptop in the living room, and I hear him say, Jesus","I look up, and as I do, he bends down and picks up a magnet out of the floor with a photo of Jesus on it" +"What lives in Brazil","A brazillion people" +"Not sure if this counts as a joke, but anyway. My dad was eating the dinner my mom had just made for us and he was complaining how the food was bad and how my mom can't cook to save her life (this isn't true, but they have a lovely marriage). Anyway, I try and defend my mom so I say, If you don't like it Papi then eat crap , (we're Mexican)","He says I already am and continues eating" +"Some people say the. Vice. President is dragging his feet deciding whether or not to run for. President, but. I think he's just","Biden his time." +"Let out a good one in Band Class today. My teacher was telling us of a secret band directors facebook page. I asked if I could join it, and he said no. Band directors only. I replied with, So I'm","BAND from it" +"How many apples grow on a tree","All of them" +"Son: Mom, Dad. I'm gay [x-post from /r/jokes] Son: Mom, Dad. I'm gay Mom: *staring at dad Dad: . *clenches fists Mom: . don't","Dad: *sweats profusely Mom: Dad: HI GAY, IM DAD Kudos to @Lerky on Twitter" +"during a serious doctors appointment, my boyfriend laid this joke on me. totally lightened the mood. me: My blood type is o+ him: That's right, you should always be O+ person","It's not good to B-" +"I tried using a colander to view the eclipse","I think I've strained my eyes" +"Dad in training joke My girlfriend said she needed to make an eye appointment soon as I was driving her back to school before work. I said, Don't you have to get an A appointment and an E appointment first. She stared at me while shaking her head in disbelief. Pride level: High (May have been dadjoke'd before. If so, my apologies","There are some smart guys out there)" +"I Woke Up Suddenly In The Night Wife: Are you okay. Me: Yeah, why. Wife: You woke up with a big jerk. Me: Nah, you're pretty awesome","I went to sleep with a huge grin on my face" +"In a serious food fight, a food fight to the death, what would be the most appropriate food weapon. (found dad in r/AskReddit) https://www. reddit","com/r/AskReddit/comments/615gh8/in_a_serious_food_fight_a_food_fight_to_the_death/dfc7q3q/ Answer - Extra Sharp Cheddar" +"What did George Washington say to his men before they got onto the boat","Men get onto the boat" +"Pun enters a room. Pun enters a room, kills 10 people","Pun in, ten dead" +"A sketchy guy just came to my shop and bought 12 smoke machines so I called the cops","I thought he could be part of some extreme mist group" +"What did the fish say when it hit a wall","Dam" +"What was the popular Mexican/Irish restaurant called","The Tac O'TheTown" +"Today I drove to work and because of the chaotic traffic I ran my car into another man's. As he got out of the car I saw he was a gentleman of the smaller persuasion, a dwarf. He said I'm not happy","I asked Which one are you then" +"A furniture store keeps calling me","All I wanted was one night stand" +"Almost tripped over a beanstalk,","Nearly pead myself." +"Five hundred people were exposed to ten different puns, to see if any of them made the subject laugh","Sadly, no pun in ten did" +"In Cuba, a steak pie will cost you 1. But a pork pie will cost 1. 80, whereas a macaroni pie will cost 2. 30 and a chicken pie will cost 2","These are pie-rates of the Caribbean" +"Lying bed with my gf. when I accidentally roll on her hand with my elbow. I apologized and she said what if you broke it. How could do anything around the house. To which i responded I think you'd still be able to accomplish plenty . singlehandedly . She groaned, this is going to be end up on Reddit, isn't it. I slept on the couch","I regret nothing" +"Why can't you email a photo to a Jedi","Because attachments are forbidden" +"The thing about dad jokes is","They will always be apparent." +"What do hangmen read","Noosepapers" +"I went to the doctor yesterday because I hadn't had a bowel movement in a week","But he didn't believe me; in fact he said I was full of shit" +"Why was the pastry chef nervous about making 100 cakes in a day","It was a high whisk situation" +"Today, I can't decide whether to wear a turtle neck or a henway. What's a henway","| About two or three pounds" +"My bird protection agency:","No harm no fowl." +"Where are all these great dad jokes stored . At the dadabase","(But for real, I have quite the dadabase at my profile)" +"Hurricane Bud is projected to make landfall at Cabo San Lucas","It’s also projected to weaken in strength, and will be called Tropical Storm Bud Light" +"With all these stories about fecal infested water for the Olympics","I can already tell it's going to be a real shitshow" +"A german tourist jumped into a freezing lake to save someone’s dog. He told the owner “keep him warm and he will be fine” the owner asked “are you a vet. ” The German replied “vet","I’m fucking soaking”" +"People tell me. The story of. Jesus is made up. But. I think it. It","Israel" +"Why did Count Dooku go to the complaint desk","He had a General Grievance" +"What do you call a magician who's lost his magic","Ian" +"A gardener was murdered in his greenhouse","The police ruled it a herbicide." +"I groaned externally but laughed internally http://imgur. com/4EklpDj Got a B on a math exam I took and told my dad and he hits me back with this","I love my dad" +"The engineer installed a motor too powerfull in the moving stairway","It escalated very quickly." +"How do you get 1000 pikachus on a bus","You poke em on" +"New thesaurus I just got a new thesaurus. Not only is it terrible, it’s also","terrible" +"What did the grape do when he got stepped on","He let out a little wine" +"Thanks dadjokes. Tonight at dinner, daughter is looking for more sides. Wife gives her brown rice, I give her white. She gobbled them both up and wants more of both. Turn to my wife and say, so glad we have raised a child who is not riceist. Groans all around","Thanks dadjokes" +"Do you know why the goat crossed the road. The chicken was on strike. My dad just told me this","No one laughed, and he was like, “you get it" +"What's Kylo Ren's Favorite Order of Chemical Reaction","A first order reaction" +"My mom was talking about pairing wine with food: Some people over complicate it. This one with sea creatures, that one for everything else Dad: > . 'C' creatures. like **c**ows. **C**hickens","Mom: >" +"Lunchtime Dadjoke Today, my dad and I were talking about what we wanted to get for lunch. I asked him what he wanted, and he said he would ask the laptop (I thought he meant he was going to look something up). Dad: Hey laptop, what do you want for lunch. Oh, alright. Sounds good. Me: what","Dad: he says he'll have what I'm having, he only wants a few bytes" +"Did you hear about the people who exhumed the wrong body","They made a grave mistake" +"I am anaemic","He says unironically" +"Son: Dad why is mom mad at you. Dad: I gave your mother a gluestick instead of chapstick","Now she won’t talk to me" +"Can i briefly tell you what an acorn is","In a nutshell, it's an oak tree" +"Why do most IT people remote in to work. Because it usually is a HARD DRIVE. haha","jpg" +"An ancient Greek walks into a tailor with torn pants. He puts them on the counter of the store and the tailor looks at them. Euripedes. he asks. Yes, says the man","Eumenides" +"what is a mathematician’s favorite beverage","square root beer" +"You know there's no official training for garbage men","They just pick things up as they go along" +"My friend is a collegiate athlete. She said she wanted to quit swimming. I said, That's fine but please be careful","If you quit swimming at the wrong time, you could die" +"I saw a communist who was up for his Hepatitis shot. He was telling stories to the doctor out of fear of needles","The doctor said “Quit Stalin”" +"I'm going to tell you what my favourite kind of tea is but brace yourself it's shocking","Electricitea" +"What has four legs and eats ants","Two uncles" +"My girlfriend changed a lot since she became vegan","It's like I've never seen herbivore" +"What kind of cheese is the most neutral","Swiss" +"Why don't Hindus eat beef","Separation of church and steak" +"What do bees say when they return to the hive","Honey, I’m home" +"Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens","He asked them who their favorite composer was and they all said Bach Bach Bach Bach" +"What do you call a fat psychic","A 4-chin-teller" +"I was in a taxi today and the driver said, I love my job. I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do","Then I said, Turn left here" +"What do you call a bear with no teeth","A gummy bear" +"Dad joked by one of my students at an all girls school. I was teaching about naming ionic compounds and said that we have one more wrinkle to go through, so take a look at this example with iron and one girl started cracking up","I didn't understand why so she said we had to iron the wrinkle" +"In bad taste dad joke Me - Can I ask you a question. Dad - Sure, anything. Me - Do you think I have mom's hair. Dad - I sure hope not, wasn't she buried with it","Too soon dad, too soon" +"A Father is someone who puts","pictures where his money use to be" +"Why is it so windy inside an arena","All those fans" +"What time is it. I don't know","it keeps changing" +"I'm bummed, I bought my daughter a trampoline and she won't be able to use it https://imgur","com/7N9cd2V She only has two feet" +"A disease ridden bird was recently outlawed across the country","The *illegal*" +"Catching up with an old friend I was on the phone last night with an old friend from high school, and as we are saying our goodbyes after a decently long conversation, I say, Hey before you go, did you hear about that guy who got his whole left side cut off. Her: no. Oh my god what happened. Me: oh, well he's all right now. Her: *groans* You haven't changed","*Hangs up* Not sure if it's exactly a dadjoke, but it gets a groan from everyone I tell it to" +"A guy stopped me in the street the other day to ask why I was carrying a 9ft book","I said It's a long story" +"What do you call Kanye West prior to writing Jesus is King","Ye of little faith" +"Did you hear about the football player who lost his entire left side of his body","He's all right now" +"Don't get into a pillow fight with death","Unless you are willing to face the reaper cushions" +"By my own wife. I was shaving and my wife walks into the bathroom, I gave a warning of I'm naked . She says hi naked","She's made me so proud" +"When singing Christmas carols, why does C3P0 only sing about the 2nd, 4th, 6th, 8th, 10th, and 12th days of Christmas","Because Han Solo told C3P0 to never tell him the odds" +"Road-tripping with the family and coming up on the last rest stop for miles. Anyone need to go","Speak now or forever hold your pees" +"Why did the Mexican take Xanax","For Hispanic attacks" +"I feel like a car with twenty wheels today","Very tired" +"Most people think decimals don't matter","I think they're significant figures" +"Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar. ' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe. ' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table","His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it" +"[X-post from r/jokes] Thanks for explaining the word many to me","It means a lot" +"I have sex daily. Sorry,","I meant dyslexia" +"I’m trying to develop a fitness routine for pet insects","I’m working out the bugs" +"Head injuries in pillow fights can cause","severe concushion" +"What kind of shoes do amphibians wear","Open toad" +"I spilled the bottle of dish soap","Couldn't figure out how to clean up" +"Someone told me I should post this here, I hope you all appreciate it as much as i did. (Xpost /r/funny) http://i. imgur. com/pmAoATm","jpg" +"Someone offered me some coffee","I said, *No thanks, that's not my cup of tea.*" +"Where do fish keep their money","At the river Bank" +"I'm very scared because I've got to have my hair cut","I've booked myself in at a Jamaican hairdresser I'm dreading it" +"I don't always tell dad jokes","But when I do, he laughs" +"Why was the fungus squashed at the concert","Because there wasn't mushroom" +"My. New. Years resolution is to quit cold turkey","The leftovers are more than a week old at this point, its disgusting." +"What knights existence was questionable","Sir Real" +"Pulled this one off while talking to the kids over supper My son told me that one of his friends was back at school today. I asked him where he had been and he told me he had mono but that it was really bad so it was really worse than mono. I replied with, good thing he didn't get stereo then","Blank stares all around" +"Got my Work colleague today good, he groaned. Work colleague was looking at tape on top that had come loose from a window. Work Mate: Can't even put it back, it's not sticky any more. Me: That's because its not from a tree I was very pleased with myself","He even asked if id become a Dad or something" +"Whale watching used to be a hobby of mine but I've decided to give it up","I just can't see the porpoise anymore" +"What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet","SUPPLIES" +"When my dad learned that the U. is now bombing Syria. Wow Syriasly","With the stupidest smirk on his face" +"What did the constipated man say after unsuccessfully sitting on the toilet for over an hour","I'm done with this shit" +"How do you get Holy Water","You boil the hell out of it" +"I like my women like. I like my coffee","I’ve never had coffee but it smells nice." +"Did you know the average mountain antelope can jump higher than a house","This is mainly due to it's incredibly strong hind legs and the fact houses can't jump" +"I quit advertising to midgets","The market is too small." +"What's the most contaminated country","Germ-many" +"What's Irish and comes out in Spring","Paddy O'Furniture" +"My brother and sister were talking about food a few minutes ago. My sister asked if we ever had shepherd's pie. I told her, No, but every so often I cook 'matterdaddy. ' She walks off while shaking her head. My brother doesn't get it and asks, Matterdaddy. Matterdaddy. What the heck is a matterdaddy. I immediately respond with Nothing. What's a matter with you","He groaned loudly and my sister just responds with You're such a sucker for falling for that" +"Why was the hurricane sad","Because it became a tropical depression" +"Sometimes you gotta keep yourself entertained at work Working at Hardee's, and I'm scooping up some fries. I notice there's two onion rings in the back of the fry heater thing that keeps them warm sitting there for who knows how long, they don't even look edible at this point. Imagine an onion ring fresh out of the fryer, then throw it into an oven for 30 minutes. I call my manager over. Hey man, you know what we call those. He smiles, as if he knows what coming. Donion rings","Cue mixed laughing and groaning from those within ear shot" +"Wife was playing Fallout 4. She came across her settlement. Her: boy, there sure are a lot of minutemen","Me: yeah, almost an hour" +"Larry Nassar would have gotten away with it","if it weren't for those medaling kids" +"What’s the most painful seasoning","Assault" +"I met a knight at a joust today that had to sit out because there were uneven sides","He was Sir Plus" +"If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P","A - Do recycle ♻" +"How do you describe a prestigious cow","She’s outstanding in her field" +"What do you call a Bagel that can fly","A plain bagel" +"What do you call an alligator with a vest","An investigator" +"My parents always tell me their world doesn’t revolve around me","I guess that means I’m not actually their sun" +"A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, “Uno, Dos. ” *Poof*","He disappeared without a Tres" +"Reviewing a play in baseball is coordinated with a team of umpires in New York who help them make the decision","They do it from the Umpire State building" +"Why don't cows wear flip flops","They lactose" +"What do dogs say when their wife asks how was their day","It was ruff" +"Did you know that Spock from Star Trek had three ears","His left ear, his right ear, and the Final Front-ear" +"Got a new phone, and I went straight to my lawyer's office","He suggested I build a case to avoid potential damages" +"Got the lady good while laying in bed Her: Sometimes I feel like your holding back when telling me things","Me: [slides hand under covers to her chest] No I would never hold back, I prefer to be holding boob" +"Old Spice. Polo for Men. That’s my two scents","I hope you are not incensed by the involuntary groan you just made" +"What is an Italian dictators favorite snack","Chocolate Mousselini" +"I thought I wanted to sign up for a decision making class","but now I'm having second thoughts" +"Know what my kids' bedroom and soccer player Lionel have in common","They're both Messi" +"Some soldiers like shooting lying down","They're aim is less prone to error" +"After getting sick of my dad jokes my daughter locked me out of the house","I texted her: Oh pun the door!" +"What do FedEx’s reputation and a good dad joke have in common","It’s all about the delivery man" +"I was wondering where the day went","But then it dawned on me" +"I put the last roll of toilet paper on the dispenser today","Shits just got real" +"x-post from /r/talesfromretail. Customer was classic /r/dadjoke material. I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again. Hey TFR people. So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night. So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with [this](http://yourdailyweb. com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/grumpy-cat-says-no. jpg) image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be **C** and I of course will be **Me**. **C:** How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed. **Me:** Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx. **C:** Do it *Fuck, he's one of these guys. * **Me:** Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have. At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it. **C:** Do I have to use my real name. *PAUSE* Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. *PLAY* **Me:** Um. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later. **C:** Oh ok. I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question. **C:** Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done. I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking. **Me:** Well I would hope so. *Slight laughter* **C:** Oh ok great. She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest. I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working. *Oh that's an easy fix* **Me:** Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed. **C:** One. Try it now Insert girls name **Me:** Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet. I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts. **C:** Holy shit man. I burst out laughing at this point. I take what I need and fix her home button. Afterwards, I just ask for a signature to confirm they are satisfied with the repair and that they picked up their phone. While he does this (It's taking an oddly long time to just sign his name) I tell him how much it'll be again, take the paperwork from him so I can do the usual Have a good night Mr. so and so. I briefly glance at the document so I can catch his last name. He's already handing me the cash by now and this is where I lost it. **Me:** Alright, that'll be $xxx. Thank you and you have a good night Mr. Duck. I'm looking at this man dead in the eyes at this moment when my voice trails off as I finished my sentence. I look back at the paper to make sure I read it right. Lo and behold, there it was. Donald Duck. He had tried to sign as Donald Duck before, messed up, scribbled it out and wrote Thank you. instead. I'm so close to laughing. I can feel it building up but I have to play on this. **Me:** Sir, I'm going to have to hold you here while I call mall security. *Completely taken aback by this* **C:** What. Why. **Me:** Sir, I've met Donald Duck. He's a giant duck in a sailor type getup with no pants. He works and lives in Florida. You are no Donald Duck. I have reason to believe you have stolen his identity. *I'm holding back so much right now because I want to make it seem serious. * **C:** FUCK. He's onto us. I fucking lost it when he said that. The daughter is facepalming, the mother is just standing there with a what the fuck. look on her face as the father hauls ass out of there and rounds the nearest corner. I'm nearly on the floor laughing by now. I still haven't rung them up at this point and when I calm down I look at the wife. **Me:** I've never laughed so hard in the entire time I've worked here. I'm discounting this sale by $35 (this is the most I can take off. Some of it being the labor fee that gives me commission). Y'all are the best customers I've ever had. She thanks me starts laughing and takes her still facepalming daughter with her","**TL;DR** Had a customer who stole Donald Ducks' Identity" +"As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself","This takes me back" +"When a woman is giving birth","She is literally kidding" +"My girlfriend asked for a newspaper","I said don’t be silly, take my iPad The spider never saw that coming" +"Did you hear that most of the alphabet is racist","Turns out that most of them are not Z’s" +"I'm excited for spring to start so much that","I wet my plants" +"While BBQing I asked my girlfriend how dinosaurs like their meat. She said, How. RAAAAAAWWWWWWWWW She went inside and locked me out",":-/" +"People who identify as hay can now get married","They just find a bale bondsman" +"An angle appeared to me in a dream","It said Stop dreaming about math, nerd." +"My mate's dad joke before he got on the plane to","Mongolia 'A plateau is the highest form of flattery'" +"Why didn’t the horses house fall over","It was stable" +"Ya hear about the girl who dated a bottle of ginger ale","She was Schwepped off her feet" +"What do a group of men and church songs have in common","They’re both hims" +"What did the door knob say to the new welcome mat. Hi you must be Matt","The mat replies Haha, you're so dorky No I've just got a little door key in me" +"I just poured ketchup in my eyes because. I heard","Heinz-sight is 20/20" +"I made a belt out of watches","It was a waist of time" +"I️’m on a seafood diet","I see food and I eat it" +"Baby Carrots Was at ingles checking out. The cashier said, these are big baby carrots , without missing a beat I said, it's because they are toddler carrots","(☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞" +"To cut a long story","sho" +"Quality stuff from my dad today. My mum turned to him and asked how did you find your meal . Without hesitation he replies oh it was in front of me when","I sat down" +"Went to the store, got dadjoked by a stranger I went to a store to return a few items. I got in line for one of the registers. As it became open, another man who had been waiting at a different register, looked over. I pointed to the line I was in and said, Go ahead. Him: No, that's OK. Me: Are you sure. Him: No, I'm someone else but you can go right ahead","It got quite the response from everyone who heard" +"My friends dad is a dad. At a restaurant (friends name is Trae) : Server: would you like a tray for that","His dad: no I brought my own" +"My printer's out of ink, asked my dad if he knew how to replace it","Nope, I'm drawing a blank" +"I've had a phobia of speed bumps my whole life but","I'm slowly getting over it" +"I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig","It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep" +"Why can't Kylie Jenner see her dad","Because he's transparent" +"I'd be interested in taking a class on beekeeping. I know. I could at least get a","B" +"What did the tree say when it fell down","Call pine one one" +"Odin should really be Odn","After all, he's missing an eye" +"Why don't they serve beer at a party for mathematicians","Because you can't drink and derive" +"My roommate says he has 20-15 vision Me: So you can see into the future",": )" +"Which side of the chicken has more feathers","The outside" +"Will glass coffins be a sucess","Remains to be seen" +"I yelled “cow. ” at a woman on a bike and she gave me the finger","Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow" +"What does a duck use to get high","Quack Cocaine" +"A man tried to sell me a coffin today","I told him that's the last thing i need" +"My pregnant wife was complaining about feeling like a blimp, so I said she should go swimming","That way she could feel like a submarine" +"Dandelions are like noses","You can pick them and blow them." +"You know you are upside down when","your feet smell and your nose runs" +"My dad sent me this with the caption After 6 decades of searching, I've finally found it http://i. imgur. com/5MNBPFb","jpg" +"This graveyard looks overcrowded","People must be dying to get in there" +"I've never seen a lizard fly. But","I've seen a dino-soar" +"Why did the lifeguard not rescue the hippy","He was too far out man" +"What do you call a fish's poop","A bass turd" +"Did you hear about the dog that gave birth in the park","She was cited for littering" +"Got my girlfriend today while we were talking about commercials Her: I hate that ad because it gets stuck in my head. Me: Do you know what's stuck in my head. Her: No, what","Me: My brain" +"That time of year again Why don't ghosts have babies","Because they have Hollow weenies" +"I got fired from my job at the calendar factory","All I did was take a few days off" +"My wife cooked me a great breakfast this morning. She was bragging about it. After a great steak & eggs + side dishes breakfast. **Wife:** Man. I'm so great. Cooking requires more creativity and skill than baking. You're just reading measurements with baking. With baking, all you need is time - a lot of time. **Me:** What about basil or rosemary. **Wife:** Huh. **Me:** Basil or rosemary. **Wife:** Huh. A few seconds later, she gets it, sighs, then laughs. A few more seconds later","**Wife:** I can't believe you're still laughing at your own joke" +"What do you call someone who never farts in public","A private tutor" +"Why is dark spelt with a K and not a C","Because you can’t C in the dark" +"I really love how the earth rotates","It really makes my day" +"Why did the bird fly","Because it had flu" +"Where do you put gay fish","In a Queerium" +"How many tickles does is take to make an octopus laugh","Tentacles" +"Tom only chases the most suitable mouse","I guess that is Jerry picking" +"What did one teardrop say to the other","'Tis eye, Liquid" +"What do you call a lawyer that knows karate","Chop Suey" +"I just don’t get school shooting jokes","They must be aimed at a younger audience" +"So a man walks into a bar","Ouch" +"I bought some noise cancelling headphones","I thought people would find them annoying but so far I haven't heard any complaints" +"I whispered to my kids, Have you all heard about the top secret bakery","They all looked at me blankly, so I replied, I didn’t think so, it’s on a knead to dough basis" +"Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type","At least he told us to be positive" +"I bought 2 fish today. I called them one and two, so if one dies","I'll still have two." +"Be careful of falling in a hole today. Because it's. Sinkhole de","Mayo." +"How do you break up a fight between two blind men","Yell “My money’s on the one with the knife" +"What's Irish and sits in the sun","Patty O'Furniture" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at the school","It's all ok, his teacher woke him up" +"Hey Dad, remember you told me when you were young you used to love blowing bubbles. Yes son I do","Me: Well he's back in town and he's looking for you" +"What kind of cologne does a Tesla wear","Elon Musk" +"My math professor was late to class by 8 minutes last week, and 4 minutes this week","At this rate, he’ll never be on time" +"Made a shampoo joke the other day So my sister does this thing called NoPoo so she doesn't wash her hair when she showers and does some weird thing to make it healthier than when you would use shampoo. Anyway, the joke revolves around the remedy name, NoPoo","Dad: So how does this work Sister: Well it makes it so I don't have to wash my hair and makes my hair healthier Me: So you're Shampoostipated My dad laughed out loud and my sisters groaned" +"Buying an office chair with my dad. At an office supply store. Pick out a chair. Go to checkout to buy it and an attractive girl is on the other side of the counter. Scans the chair through, having a little chat and flirt. My dad comes over at this moment, right as she says COG : So, would you like to take up our offer of protection for the chair. Me: No thanks I don't need it Dad : Son, I told you when we had 'The Talk' to always use protection with a girl Awkward pause. Pay. Leave. Me : Thanks for embarrassing me dad. Dad : You looked like you needed a wingman. She was out of your league anyway He still brings this up many years later","Edit for spacing" +"Not a dad joke, but a moment. Well, a few years ago I was in the hospital. Long story short, I went into a coma for a few days and upon waking, there is my wife on one side, and a nurse on the other. I don't know what I was thinking (my wife thought it was hilarious), but the first thing I said was Give it to me straight, how's my penis. Well, after the initial laughter fit from my wife and the nurse, my wife gestures at the nurse to check, she looks, says it looks great, puts the sheet back down, and proceeds to finish checking the vitals","My wife still has a great laugh to this day about it" +"What do you call a elephant in the North Pole","Lost" +"No Question is Safe Little Brother: Where's New Zealand. Dad: Better question is where's Old Zealand","My dad died laughing while my brother sat there awkwardly wishing he didn't ask that question" +"My drycleaners is having a special this month on crisp pressed shirts","It's Starch Madness" +"My friend and I got kicked out of a NBA game because we went dressed in brightly coloured chicken suits","Two flagrant fowls means an automatic ejection" +"I’m not a peta guy or anything. But","I think it’s pretty messed up that they make sweaters out of turtle necks" +"Why doesn't a chicken wear pants","Because its pecker is on its head" +"(original joke) So I left a 20 dollar bill in my pants and they went through the wash","So now I’m wanted for money laundering" +"When my ex wife and I divorced, I handed her a letter saying, “Good job. Well done","” I wanted things to end on a positive note" +"To the guy who invented zero","Thanks for nothing" +"[NSFW] Did this happen. Yea, yea this happened. My dad came into town and we got to sit down and out of nowhere he dropped this, I'm getting a new tattoo. Aight, of what. I'm getting a $100 bill on my penis. . why","Because that way I can watch my money grow, I can play with it if I want to, and if your mother wants to blow it, by all means, go for it" +"What do you call a fat psychic","A four-chin teller" +"I got my dad. Dad and I were shopping for backpacks, he found a bag with like 6 handles, he asked if I wanted it","I responded: I think can handle it" +"To which state did my ex-wife move after the divorce. I don't know","But if I see her, *Alaska" +"The serial killer from Paris is being sent to the electric chair today","And so today, the french fries" +"What is the leading cause of dry skin","Towels" +"What goes choo-choo woof-woof","A trained dog" +"Well to be frank","I’d have to change my name" +"Got the postman pretty good. My postman's off to Spain tomorrow for Christmas. I asked him if he was going to Parcelona","He ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014" +"My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him","So I suggested Kaye and Elle" +"What does a house wear.  Address"," (A dress)" +"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh","Ten Tickles" +"Rick has 1 cup of tea. Rick and Tea. Rick has 7 cups of tea","Rick and Morty" +"The Joke that caused my dad to be randomly selected for a drug test at work. To give a little background: My dad was a truck driver at the time, and he never saw something on the side of the road or that had a free sign on it that he could drive by without at least taking a look. My brother in law was a sheriff's deputy. He told this joke to my neighbor, I will try to do it justice. My dad, his dispatcher(DIS), and lady neighbor(LN) are outside talking and it goes something like this: Dad: Ugh, What a f--king week. I can not believe it. LN: What happened. Dad: I was in Georgia and I saw this cooler in the far corner of the rest area, just as you're about to leave. I looked around and I didn't see anyone. So I figured someone had forgotten it on their picnic. It was a nice ass cooler too. Igloo brand with the heavy duty wheels. It was beautiful. LN: Let me guess, you took it and the food that was in it. Dad: Oh god I wish, It was a nice cooler. So, I go over and I'm still looking around in case the owners are still there. So I get to the cooler and I'm thinking jackpot. The outside looks amazing. So, I go to open it up to see if whatever is inside is salvageable or if i needed to throw it out. I open it up and I jumped back and screamed. LN: What was in it. Dad: FEET. HUMAN FEET. I'm thinking what the hell did I just stu. LN: NU-UH, ARE YOU SERIOUS. Dad: YES I'M SERIOUS. So by this time, I'm seriously freaking out and I have no clue what to do. I nearly passed the f--k out. I had no idea what I should do. LN: (with her hands over her mouth in horror) OMG, WHAT DID YOU DO. Dad: Well, you know my son-in-law is a police officer in Florida. LN: mmhmm Dad: Well, I didn't know what to do so I called him. LN: What did he tell you to do. Dad: Call a tow truck. LN: . what. Dad: Get it, toe truck. LN: YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS. OMG I HATE YOU. DIS: Oh, look at that, M*****, I just got word from the office that you're up for this month's random drug test","Edit: Formatting errors, sorry guys" +"A King has 3 cups. The first 2 are full and the 3rd is empty. What is the King's name","King Philip III" +"I wore crocs in public today","I guess you could say i've hit *croc* bottom" +"A dad's last dad joke. My friend's dad passed away earlier this year, but pulled off a spectacular dad joke at his funeral. One of the songs he requested was 'here comes the sun' by the beetles. . to be played as his son approached the front of the church to deliver his speech","RIP David" +"Why do Swedish warships have barcodes painted on their hulls","So that when they return to port, the authorities can Scandinavian" +"What did 28 say to 29","Talk 30 to me" +"Got my son with this one. Me: I know a guy that talks like an owl Son: Who. pause. than","facepalm" +"Got my wife at dinner with her own set up. Going to grab a fork out of the drawer, she says the dish washer is clean. So I asked her if she took a shower, about","90 silent seconds go by, then she laughs and finally says I get it" +"People don't talk about erectile disfunction","I just never comes up" +"Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was","It was a brief case" +"Daddy, I'm cold. Go sit in the corner, son. What for","It's 90 degrees over there Happy winter" +"It happens at conception to some https://i. imgur. com/IMlgCtG","jpg" +"My dad's favourite jokes Dad: what's brown and sticky. Me: dunno. Dad: A Stick. Dad: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back. Me: Urgh","I don't know dad Dad: A Stick" +"who invented Lifesavers. My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers","They say he made a mint" +"What do you call a lizard who solves crimes","An investigator" +"So I was sick the other day. and I ended up puking my guts out. Afterwards, all I wanted to do was lay down and take a nap","The only thing I could think of was 'wow, that really took a lot out of me'" +"They had to put a fence around the graveyard","Because people were dying to get in" +"So I work for a chip company. I decided one day to walk around and put a chip on my shoulder while acting angry about everything","My boss groaned" +"Want to know a secret about lower legs","I'd tell you, but it's on a knee to toe basis" +"Did you hear they are changing the spelling of Croatia to Crowatia","Lots of people have been raven about it" +"My wife and I were making nachos, and she told me she was gonna start grating the cheese","I asked her if penmanship counts" +"What's the most popular travel destination for dyslexic kids these days","Area 15" +"I'm trying to teach my dad technology. Me: Dad, do you know what a . gif is","Dad: Is that like a MILF" +"I've been battling a serious addiction to dressing like a nun for years. Today I'm happy to announce that I'm 28 days clean","I've finally kicked the habit" +"My kids were arguing about which pastry was the best pastry. Dad:","To each his scone." +"My wife likes to call me your majesty when we make love. Because","I'm faux king awesome" +"A friend of mine said that they like frittatas","I don't like bras either." +"Why do rabbits love gold","Because, of all the carats" +"My son sneezes when I play Black Sabbath. I think he's metallurgic","I'm not sorry" +"I used to be addicted to soap. But now","I'm clean" +"I tried a vegan recipe book last night, and I was pleasantly surprised","It was much better than any of the recipes in it" +"So me and my dad were driving through the cemetery. Dad: Do you know where we are. Me: The cemetery. Dad: The DEAD CENTER of the city","Me: *groans*" +"One. Day. A. Termite. Walks into a. Bar and. Asks","Is the bar tender here?" +"What do you call two rabbis with Macbooks","Apple Jews" +"I Hate Those Annoying Peppers","The ones that get Jalapeño business" +"I hate sausage jokes","They're the würst" +"How about that train food. It's off the rails. But it's nothing like space food","It's out of this world" +"My dad got me last night while eating dinner and watching TV I asked Is there ketchup",", to which he replied No, this is live TV" +"My coworker got me today We had a patient waiting for one of our doctors, but he didn't speak English. Coworker 1 I think he speaks Mandarin. Me I wonder if so and so Dr. Speaks Mandarin","Coworker 2 I don't known Mandarin, but I'm working on my Satsuma Groans were had" +"What happens when you have a bladder infection","Urine Trouble" +"Shakespeare used to be a nobody","But then he got his act together" +"How does Moses make his tea","Hebrews it" +"How many coders does it take to change a light bulb","None, that's a hardware problem" +"My girlfriend told me I was odd","I said it's because I can't even" +"I tell bad chemistry jokes, because all the good ones","Argon" +"What kinds of drinks do martial artists keep in their refrigerators","All kinds of punch" +"Dad, did you get a haircut","No, I got them all cut" +"I checked into a hotel","I was given my key and told my room number was 404 But I couldn't find it" +"People call me blind, but","I don't see why" +"The parable of Donkey It's a cold November evening and 2 men out on the town. They enter a bar and approach the keeper. One man says to the other man Hey Donkey, I think it's your turn and walks off to use the toilet","Donkey looks at the bar keeper and says T-T-T-T-T-Two B-B-B-B-Beers Ppppppppp-Ppppplease Given his speech impediment, the keeper feels sorry for the man and say Do you mind him calling you Donkey Donkey looks sadly at the keeper and say He-aw-He-aw-He always calls me that" +"I was sitting on the toilet having a poop when the clock struck midnight","Same shit, different day" +"I saw a horizontal line being rude to me","I said, “You’ve got some latitude" +"Did you know that Jesus drove a Honda, but didn't like to talk about it","He always said for I do not speak of my own Accord" +"It’s difficult for me to say what my wife does","She sells sea shells by the sea shore" +"How do you organize a space party","You planet" +"Why do cows have hooves instead of feet","Because they lactose" +"Carrots might improve you vision","but beer doubles it" +"Why are elves so confident all the time","Because they are elf-aware" +"Ever since I was a kid","Everytime I saw a calendar, I knew my days were numbered" +"I snore so loudly","It scares the shit out of the people I'm driving" +"What did Mario say to peach when they broke up","It's not a you, it's a me-a-mario" +"Mailman dadjoke I spotted the mail truck arriving and told my daughters, Oh look, there's the mailman. My daughters immediately corrected me, No Daddy, it's a lady. I responded, Oh okay","There's the femaleman then" +"Why does Michael Bay always burn his stew","Because the recipe said Bay Leaves" +"I know 25 letters of the alphabet","I dont know why" +"I went to the seatbelt exhibit of the car museum the other day","It’s fastenating really" +"During a particularly bad hangover, I told my dad that It feels like my body is going to revolt. He replied, I think it's revolting enough as it is","Thanks, Dad" +"Mom-joked Me, looking in oven: Is that cornbread. Mom: Shortbread (takes a peak). but it's not rising very well","guess it's gonna be *really* short" +"Dad joked my dad in the car. He asked me to ring a lady called Nat who manages a taxi company, to book a taxi of course. She didn't answer","She's Nat answering Rest of the car ride was silent" +"Change is funny. My Dad walked up to me today and opened his hand. In it was a nickel and a penny","He said, You know I got a six cents, right" +"What kind of party do paleontologists throw when they find a fossilized tibia","A big shin dig" +"Why did the hipster burn his mouth","He ate the pizza before it was cool" +"Conjunctivitis","com Now that’s a site for sore eyes" +"Why does paper never win any races","Because it's stationery" +"This is a long one but it’s well worth it. One day in a post-war-communist Russian town, and man and his wife go out for a walk. On the way home it starts to rain, the man points this out and his wife says: “Don’t be silly dear its not rain it’s drizzle. ” The husband disagrees and they argue about it for a few minutes before the husband approaches one of the communist guards on duty. He looks at his badge and finds out his name is Rudolph. “Excuse me sir could you please answer a question my wife and I are discussing. ” “Of course” replied Rudolph. “Is it raining or is it just drizzle. ” “Hmm, I would say it’s definitely Raining” said Rudolph The husband thanked the officer and turned to his wife","“See, Rudolph the Red knows rain dear" +"My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said “go for it. ” He went on to shout, “No. Not the kryptonite. ” A little confused, I said “that’s Superman. ” “Thank you. ” he laughed","“I’ve been practicing a lot" +"What is made out of brass and sounds like Tom Jones","Trombones" +"I really don't trust these stairs","It seems like they're always up to something" +"Conjunctivitis","com Now there's a site for sore eyes" +"My wife is really mad at the fact that. I have no sense of direction. So","I packed up my stuff and right" +"This joke will give you wings","Because you just read bull" +"Why did Thor hit a sick man with his hammer","He was trying to norse him back to health" +"I work at a retail store and two guys stole a calender","They both for 6 months" +"When my husband was Skyping his 8 y. daughter. She picked up a comb during the conversation, looked at her dad and said: O look dad. *Starts to do random karate moves with this comb* I know COMB FU","My husband was so proud" +"Dadjoked my coworker We were working inside a walk-in freezer and my co-worker says to me, It's a little chilly in here. , to which I respond No, I don't think it's a small jalapeño","He stared at me blankly for a minute and then burst out laughing" +"Dadjoked at a pub last night, poor response. I was in a busy pub with a pool table last night and someone was taking a shot thereby blocking off the passage around the table. He was taking his sweet time with his shot so there were a few of us waiting to get past him, I turned to the girl behind me and said: Looks like we're standing in the Pool Queue","She didn't laugh" +"What do you call a multilingual under the influence","Rosetta stoned" +"My son was eating out of a bag of Swedish Fish On Christmas my aunt gave my son a small box of Swedish fish which he immediately devoured. At the moment he threw the empty box on the coffee table I looked at it with wide eyes and said, Oh look. Now they're Finnish","He didn't get it" +"A man sees on the news that Rio De Janeiro just won a world record for the most amount of people in a park at once. He looks to his friend, and says Wow, there must have been like a Brazillion people there","^^^huehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehue" +"My wife came back from the beauty parlor. My four-year-old son ran excitedly to the door to greet her. When she opened it, her appearance was startling. She looked like a goth. Her eyes were surrounded with jet-black make-up, with dramatic extra lashes drawn to the sides. My son let out a shriek and rushed back into my arms for a hug. What's on Mommy's eyes. he asked tearfully","I replied, Ma scare ya" +"Cat Dad Jokes I was telling my dad about how I picked up a random cat on my nightly run and it scratched me (I love cats but this is Reddit who doesn't)","He smiled and said, That's what you get for playing with pussy you didn't pay for" +"The classic Wife: Kids. Come down for dinner. 4yo: Dad, I'm hungry. Me [pauses for dramatic effect because we all know it's happening]: Hi, Hungry. I'm Dad. 4yo: NO. I'm not Hungry. Me: Oh, ok. Honey, 4yo isn't hungry. Wife: He doesn't want dinner. 4yo: No. I _am_ hungry. Me: Oh hi, Hungry, I'm Dad. 4yo: ARGH. 7yo: Ugh","Just ignore him, 4yo" +"Which country has the most construction equipment","U-crane" +"I asked my dad if he's free tomorrow morning","He said ''No, I'm expensive'' This happened 3 hours ago and I'm still sighing" +"What do you call a guy with a rubber toe","Roberto" +"Some Greek guys tried to rob me","What a bunch of Thebes" +"My 5 year old cousin asked if I wanted some strawberry milk I asked her how they milk strawberries","the best part is she went to ask her mom how they milk strawberries" +"I put a cape on my angry friend","Now he's SUPER angry" +"probably the most awkward few minutes of my entire life. While at work, Matt King the actor who plays Super Hans from Peep Show came in with his kids. All of us working got pretty excited as you do when you see famous people. I was the one who got to serve him, he was buying a few games for his kids and was holding a bouquet of flowers ( for his wife I assumed). I rung up his games and he put the flowers down next to the till to get his wallet out. Now, me being excited/nervous/awkward as fuck at the time instinctively went, Oh are those for me. The response I got could easily be described as a pity laugh","Needless to say I wanted to curl up into a ball and pretend I was in a happy place where I hadn't made a twat out of myself" +"I am completely obsessed with collecting magazines","What can I say, I've got issues" +"I prefer eating my vegetables in silence","I just want some peas and quiet" +"How does a penguin build it's house","Igloos it togethe" +"I was so surprised to learn that there was a such thing as a pet amputation specialist","it gave me paws" +"He's not a dad but I'm pretty sure I got dadjoked at rehearsal this evening. I lead the worship team at church and I'm the only one with a key to the instrument room. I went to get the key and when I came back, my keyboardist was banging his head on the door over and over. I said, were you just gonna try breaking it down like that. I do have a key. He replied, well, I thought I was making good headway. He may have a head injury","Also, he's in his fifties" +"Here's one","one" +"What sound does a street sweeper make. Broooom, Broooom","🚜💨" +"Dad: I have a lot of blind deer on my property. Son: Really. How do you know they're blind","Dad: Well, I have no eyed deer" +"What is a pirates favorite letter","You might say R, but his true love be the C" +"Why do lamps make people happy. They bring delight. My 7-year-old son told me this at the breakfast table this morning","He is going to be a great dad one day" +"Went out to dinner with my ol' man After dinner, he leaves a feedback for the waitress. We had chicken and Duck","It was absolutely fowl" +"Trash talking my golf buddy this morning Him: I have blisters from my new shoes","Me: that's not going to be your only agony of de feet" +"I. HATE. HOW. FUNERALS. ARE. ALWAYS. AT 9AM","I'm not really a mourning person 😔" +"When is a door not a door","When it’s ajar" +"My dad, My uncle and I were walking on a boat bridge. There was a half-sunk boat in one of the spaces, but you could still read the name of the boat. The boat was called Goulding, probably named after Ellie Goulding or something","My dad saw an opportunity and said that boat is not Goulding, it's Zinking" +"My gf broke up with me so. I stoled her wheelchair","Guess who came crawling back" +"Heard this at a takeout Elderly man waiting to receive food from cashier","Cashier: If you think our service was good how about a tip Elderly Man: Sure, get an umbrella it's raining outside" +"What do you use to mend a jack-o-lantern","A pumpkin patch" +"Dad joked my bf while on the autobahn We just got out of a construction zone and we were able to get into the passing lane to go faster. He mentioned that we had to go around this guy with a horse trailer. I could barely keep a straight face as I told him, Yea, you would think with all of that horsepower, he would go faster. I couldn't stop giggling like a madwoman","He just looked at me like I was an idiot" +"A tree threatened to bite me","But it was all bark" +"Dad joked my wife after Medieval Times The other night, my wife and I went to this corporate outing at Medieval Times with work. For those who don't know, it's a pretend jousting tournament with a bunch of food and no silverware unless you ask for it. The Knights also ride around on horseback and try to keep everyone involved and have a good time. So one of the things they do, is give a 'favor' to to people in the audience. Typically, pretty ladies and little girls. My wife got such a favor (carnation). Gave her some mock jealousy, and our evening continued. So on and our way home, I asked: So, how was your night. It was pretty good. Good. How about your evening","She's still glaring at me, three days later" +"Sometimes I regret picking to study History alongside English at University","My degree would have been completely lit" +"How do you stop a French guy from attacking you","You kick him in the oui oui" +"In the future. In 1,000 years, snails will evolve into being an advanced civilization. They will develop their own advanced technologies. In an effort to increase their mobility, they will equip their shells to be modular vehicles called Snail Cars, S-Car for short. Since snails do not have upper extremities, controlling the cars will be voice activated. The initiation command would be, S-Car, GO","😂🤣" +"Dad, can you help me with this math problem. I'm stuck. Glad to help, but I'm pretty certain we named you Robert","I'll check with your mom, though" +"My wife asked me to introduce our kids to the 90s rock I grew up on","I told her sure but some of it is Garbage" +"When does a joke becomes a dad joke","When it becomes apparent" +"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back","A stick" +"Eveyone in my architecture class was shocked when I said I thought the greeks were terrible at it","But I column like I see 'em" +"Hey dad I'm running to the store, need anything","No, I'm good but I really think you should walk, it's pretty far and it's raining" +"A proton entered a bar and asked for some beer. The Bartender says, For you","No charge" +"Do you know why Geese when flying in a V formation have more birds on one side than the other","Because there are more Geese on that side" +"What did the duck police do when they performed a huge cocaine bust","They quacked down on drug crime" +"These guys broke into my house and stole everything except for my soap, my hand sanitizer, and my sponges","Dirty bastards" +"If. Robocop was a transformer,. Would his name be stoptimus","Crime?" +"What did the narcissist say to the cannibal","I'm kinda a big meal" +"What do you call a French Buddhist who likes lemons","Le Monk" +"I'm terrified of elevators","I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them" +"Why are frogs so happy","Because they eat the things that bug them" +"What do you call a pile of cats","A Meowtain" +"What did Julius Caesar say when he went to Starbucks","Veni vidi venti" +"My daughter the dancer My daughter is a few months old and is very active with her legs. She kicks a lot so if I hold her a bit off the ground it looks like she's dancing. On a visit to my parents, I went to show them this while I was sitting on the couch. I held her up and told her to dance on daddy's belly","My dad: Oh - she's a belly dancer" +"What's the name of that girl in the middle of the tennis court","Annette" +"And god said to. John come forth and receive eternal life","But he came fifth and won a toaster" +"What is the coldest letter","C-its in the middle of 'ICE'" +"Usually I'm the one to make the lame jokes, but my girlfriend really shined today My girlfriend and I live in northwestern PA, and the weather has been cloudy for weeks (if not months). Miraculously, the sun was shining today as we were jogging, and I said, Wow, a blue sky. Don't see that too often. And my girlfriend Schuyler (pronounced Skyler ) replied, If you want to see a blue sky, just make me sad. Bonus joke: I told her I had a runny nose once while at Wegmans, and she told me that my nose should try out for the track team","She's a keeper" +"I asked my dad if he got a haircut","He said he got it all cut" +"Father-in-law posted a picture of him and his wife holding whisks on Christmas day saying, We whisk you a Merry Christmas","His wife just rolled her eyes when I mentioned it" +"Not a dad, but caught my mom out with this once. My mom was making a cup of tea and since I was getting something out of the fridge, asked me if I could pass her the green milk, wanting the skimmed milk that comes in cartons with green coloured caps. Me: No, we've only got the white stuff","Made my dad proud" +"Teslas Are Dangerous. Let me start off by saying that y'all probably won't find this very funny, but I couldn't help but chuckle at this when my dad said it, so I felt obligated to post it. My parents and I were discussing new cars, and my mom mentioned how she wouldn't mind having a Tesla. My dad stood up and said, Teslas are dangerous. , and my mom replied with, How so. , and silly old dad quickly said on his way out of the room, They're electric. They'll shock you","Sorry" +"Got my own dad while bowling last night My dad an I bowl in a league together, and one of the guys on team we were against last night kept getting strikes. On his 6th in a row, my dad commented He's doing it with ease","I pointed at the scoreboard and said Pretty sure those are Xs" +"A boy was pulling on an electric line","Man was he shocked with the current outcome" +"I bet someone all of my laundry that. I could make them laugh","There's a lot on the line" +"I have a phobia of stairs. But","I'm getting over them, one step at a time" +"A guy was walking door to door in my neighborhood collecting people’s opinions on the Best Pixar films, my dad told him. “Here","take my Up vote" +"What kind of socks do Panda Bears wear. None","They have bear feet" +"Did you hear about the incredibly average philosopher","His name was mediocrates" +"I realized I shouldn’t have rubbed ketchup in my eyes","I guess Heinz sight is 20/20" +"Me: *wearing same 5 year old pair of shoes* Son: It’s time to get new shoes. Yours have holes","Me: Well how else would I put them on" +"Just read a joke about. Oedipus and. Midas","It was mother fucking gold!" +"My friend has a pet snake **My friend's Facebook post:** Well that was an interesting phone call to a vet. Um, yes. i need to make an appointment for my snake. Damn scaled children. They get colds too","**My reply:** Probably just needs an antihissssstamine" +"My dad gave me condoms for my 18th birthday","He said don't make the same mistake as me" +"Holy Tech Scripture I was reading a Cisco study guide when I said to my 11 YO son: A reading from the book of Cisco. I then read a single paragraph to him. Afterward, I said, The word of Cisco. Son: Thanks be to Geeks. Thanks son","You're on your way" +"What do you call fake potatoes","Imitaters" +"I've been thinking of reasons to move to. Switzerland","The flag is a big plus" +"/u/TopRamen247 found dadding in the wild. Found on this [ELI5](http://np. reddit. com/r/explainlikeimfive/comments/300eih/eli5_when_and_why_did_all_cereal_makers_stop/cpo9395","context=3), /u/TopRamen247 proofs to be capable to be a dad" +"I don’t often tell dad jokes","But when I do, he laughs" +"If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring","On the other hand, you don’t" +"Took my car to a local dent repair specialist","I asked him how he got into it and he said by accident" +"From my 8 year old: Dad, how do camels hide from predators. Me: Their fur is the same color as the desert so they blend in. Her: Exactly. They camel-flage","I walked right into that one lol" +"My dad told me to never buy stock in Lipton, Tetley, or Twinings","He always said, “Money doesn’t grow on teas" +"Some jokes are so corny. that they hurt my ear","&#x200B; Others are a-maize-ingly funny" +"My dad and I bought a pomelo. So my dad and I are trying a pomelo for the first time. He's cutting the peel off and it's quite thick. I ask: What's that kind of, fluffy white stuff on the inside of the peel called. It's called the pith. He responds Oh ok. Oh pith off. We stare at each other and just burst out laughing","Good times" +"More of a grandpa joke. Whenever I would get in the car with my grandpa, he would always look at the person sitting behind him and say (with the cheesiest grin) alright, now follow me","He and my grandma really got a kick out of that" +"Outjoked my dad today. Sister: Dad what happened to your finger. Dad: I had a saw-ing accident. Me: O ya","What did you see" +"Time flies like an arrow","Fruit flies like a banana." +"Cows and milk","You can't have one without the udder" +"What is the least spoken language in the world","Sign language" +"Tried to quickly make a square but got an octogon","I shouldn't have cut corners" +"Had to share this absolute bomb my husband dropped earlier. Our 11 year old is attending a debate camp and at the dinner table she was telling us about her day. We decided she would have a mock debate against my husband the following day so she could show us a bit of what she's learned. We talk about possible topics and we land on Should school officials or other adults be allowed to ban certain books from school. We talk a little more on the topic of banned books and my husband perks up and says I think banned books should be allowed because without them, there would be no music. Then he gets this massive grin and my daughter and I are so confused. it takes a moment for us to realize he's talking about BAND books . there would be no music . I had to give it to him, that was heavenly. Our daughters eyes rolled out of her head but we were all laughing","Great job, dad" +"You know what's really odd","numbers not divisible by 2" +"A lady happily tells her husband, holding a testpack result. Darling, I'm pregnant","Tears running the husband's eyes, he says Hi pregnant, I'm dad (x-post from r/Jokes)" +"A guy signs up for the army and goes to get his equipment after he’s been processed. When he gets to the place where he’s supposed to pick up his rifle the man tells him that he just ran out. “If you need to shoot just say ‘BANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG. '” he says. Bummed out and little confused, the guy moves on to the next area where he’s supposed to pick up the bayonet. But the next man is out too. “If you need to stab someone just go, ‘STICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK. '” he says. Dejected and wondering what the heck he signed up for, the guy jumps into the next truck on its way to the front where there’s a battle raging on. Side by side with the rest of the soldiers in his unit, the guy advances on the enemy position. As soon as he sees the enemy, he shouts, “BANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG. ” Amazingly, the enemy soldier drops to the ground. Encouraged by his success he charges the next two enemy soldiers and goes, “STICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK. ” They both immediately collapse in front of him. This is incredible, he thinks, I’ve become unstoppable. So when he sees his next foe way off in the distance, he shouts, “BANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG. ” at him. He waits for him to fall, but nothing happens. The guy charges his unfazed adversary next and goes “STICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK. ” Again he thinks the man will fall and again nothing happens. “Why wont you drop. ” the guy says","The enemy soldier knocks him down and responds, “TANKITY TANK TANKITY TANK" +"I just witnessed a guy getting shot with a paintball gun","He dyed on impact" +"I have a problem with. Russian. Nesting. Dolls","There's so full of themselves" +"What did the cowboy say at his second rodeo","This ain't my first rodeo" +"My girlfriend is ready to become a dad. We were walking together and holding hands but my hand was in a weird position and I tried to fix it but she wouldn't let me. I said I can't handle this. Upon hearing me say that she raises up our hands and says You can't *hand*le it","Immediately after we both burst out laughing for a good minute or two and I'm convinced she's ready for dadhood" +"Spanish dadjoke bit of context. In the Spanish language when you want somebody to tell you something you say Dime (sounds like Dee-Mehh) also the word Di (sounds like Dee) means say. Dad (in Spanish): I have something important to tell you but I don't know if I should Me: dime. Dad: Mehhh","(cue Spanish groans)" +"God created all food equal","Sister: Always get brown rice Me: Don't be ricest" +"I hate it when my wife says Are you listening to me","It's such a random way to start a conversation" +"My manager was looking for the tampers I explained to him that he should calm down before he lost his tamper","He explained to me that I should get back to work" +"If you're in SoCal dont drop your toaster waffle on the beach","Or you'll have a sandy Eggo in San Diego" +"I asked my dad what his least favorite type of music was","Traffic jams" +"What did the pumpkin say to his girlfriend","You're gourd-geous" +"What do you call a bomb that is undiscovered at the airport","Hidden in plane sight" +"Happy Father's Day to every single dad out there","And the married ones, too" +"Bat-problem Robin: Batman, Batman, there is a problem with the Batmobile, it does not start. Batman: Must be the battery","Robin: What is a tery" +"What glove size does a psychic wear","Medium gloves" +"I just took a probiotic. Now","I'm multicultural" +"My dads favorite dad joke. So like many of us, my father is basically a child inside an adult body. He loves to be annoying and pushing our buttons. That being said. Dad behave","Tell me what a have is and I'll be one" +"I ran out of deodorant","I guess I'll go online and odor some more" +"My 12 year old just came up with this one. What's the President' s favorite musical instrument","A Trump-et" +"Saudi. Arabia doesn't have. The. Flintstones but. Abu","Dabi do." +"Without tea, what would Great Britain be like","Grea Briain" +"(x-post r/geek) Thought you guys would appreciate this one. [Sign Here](http://i. imgur. com/hIjt2LL","jpg)" +"How does cow tongue taste","Probably not well because it’s no longer attached to the cow" +"I took my dog to the park yesterday to play Frisbee with him","Turns out I need a flatter dog" +"Any dog can be a guide dog","if you don't care where you're going" +"If iron man was a woman","They would be called female" +"What Did Yoda Say When He Saw Himself in 4K","HDMI" +"If you go to a beach and you can see through it","You could say the coast is clear" +"Water slides might seem harmless, but they are actually quite addictive","It's a slippery slope" +"Local buffet was out of traditional. Indian flatbread","I told them it was a naan issue." +"My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex","They are his watch dogs" +"Before going to the rodeo, my parents and met to have burgers My Dad was explaining to the waitress that he and mom had gone to the rodeo earlier in the week and knew basically what to expect","Me: (leaning in for emphasis) So you're saying this isn't your first rodeo" +"A disgruntled Google Cloud employee asked me for advice on how he could get back at his boss. I told him","Don't forget to tip your server" +"Dadjoke at my beginner programming skills My dad asked me how my very first arduino program was going. Me: I made an LED blink","Dad: Wow, I think I would definitely lose a staring contest with an LED" +"Always check your pockets, Dad. Dad Did you put my overalls in the wash. I had money in the pocket. Me Shit, how much. Dad Only £10, just be careful","Money laundering is a serious crime" +"Why can’t baby ants walk to the store to get milk, but adults can","Because they lack toes in toddler ants" +"Exchange between a friend who is a statistics professor and his daughter (he's on the right) http://imgur. com/a/Uhd4b I submitted to /r/funny but apparently text messaging posts break one of the mods laws or something","Thought y'all might appreciate it instead" +"Got my SO while we were washing the dishes She hands me what she just finished washing to dry. Me: So where do I put this inequality. Her: Inequality. Grater. oh my god","Followed by much groaning" +"Some Nights My girlfriend and I were grilling out, listening to Pandora. The song Some Nights came on and she said, Oh, I saw them in concert. My response. I bet that was Fun","It took her a few seconds before she shot me an evil glare" +"How do you throw a party for an alien","You have to plan-et" +"My room mate everyone My girlfriend freaked herself out because our shower curtain was closed for some reason. Me: Chris, are you hiding dead bodies in our shower again","Him: No, just head and shoulders" +"How can you tell if a girl is ticklish","Give her a test tickle" +"I am so done with this sub right now https://i. imgur. com/bn2LxAm","jpg" +"I recently signed an NDA. [This](http://i. imgur. com/JfTD4l0","jpg) was part of my dinner last night" +"My friend who just bought 500 candies for 5 cents said, It's super cheap, isn't it","Me : Yeah, 100 percent" +"My dad told me this joke 8 years ago. What do you call a cow standing in the middle of a field","A cow" +"Dad, I'm hungry. Nice to meet you hungry. The oldest in the book","My dad still does this to me about every day" +"I was looking at shoes online. Husband: Is there a shoe sale. Me: No, I'm just window shopping. Husband: Isn't it online shopping, since there's no window. Me: But I'm using *Windows*","Did not get a laugh" +"I'm going to teach my baby advanced mathematics","So it can derive it's own formula" +"Why does Australia have so many customer service representatives. Because they offer koalaity service. Credit where credit is do. my wife just said that out of nowhere","I love her so much" +"What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday","Aye matey" +"Last night I dreamed I was a muffler","I woke up exhausted" +"What are Tarzan's favourite cookies","Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooreoreoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooreoreoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooos" +"I was at the garden centre the other day. I said, Can I have three chairs for my patio please","He said, Why, what's so special about it" +"Why should you always wear glasses when doing Math","It helps with division" +"The priest always skims through the bible on surface","Because the devil is in the details" +"What smells better than it tastes","Your nose" +"So me and my girlfriend were at the hospital for pelvic/ appendix pains Her mom and I were in the examination room when the doctor had her get out of her pants and change into a gown and examined her lower area and said. Wow you've got a perfect vagina I couldn't help but say. Well it's definitely not in her jeans Her and her mom both looked at me in amazement","Totally worth it" +"Why is Peter Pan always flying. Because he Neverlands","And this joke never grows old" +"Dad joke level: 911 EMEREGENCY Not my dad but I saw this and automatically thought of dad jokes. http://imgur","com/eZSMsbq" +"9 year old hit me with this Her: is root beer good for you. Me: no soda is good for you Her: then why do they make it","Me: because people will still buy it knowing what it does to them Her: that's soda-pressing Me: sigh" +"What state has the smallest drinks","Mini-soda" +"I dropped my phone in the bathtub","Now it's syncing" +"Remember when you could go to gas stations and put air in your tires for free. Now it’s $1. You know why","Inflation" +"So on a trip to a resort My family was driving around looking for our hotel room. They have multiple buildings labeled with letters. We are in building L, but we're having a really hard time finding it","So my dad yells out the window, Where the L is it" +"What do you call an overweight Killer Whale","A Porca" +"My dad told me this We was driving down the road and a bug hit our windshield. He said to me. Dad - Hey son do you know what the last thing that came in the bugs mind","Me - No Dad - His ass" +"I'm liking my new beard","It eventually grew on me." +"What did one Italian frog say to another one. Frogedabaouitit","Courtesy of my wife just now" +"I went to get some turkey at the deli I told the guy I wanted a pound of sliced turkey, he said fine. He slices it up and gives it to me, then says be careful with that. I say why what's wrong with it","And he says Oh nothing, just be careful because it's deli-cut" +"Two ghosts singing a song together","Is called a boo-et" +"Did you hear about the dismembered bear a guy found in his back yard","It was a grizzly sight" +"How do flat-earthers travel the world","On a plane" +"My dad was having some chest pain. We were walking through Walmart and my dad said his chest hurt. Me: Do you have acute angina","Dad: Don't talk about your naughty woman parts" +"Dad: Have you heard of the movie Constipation. Son: No, can't say I have","Dad: That's because it hasn't come out yet" +"/r/science post:. Gene turns colorectal cancer into healthy tissue. Which","I think is nice of him." +"three rings of marriage","Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffer-ring" +"Son:. Hey dad. I think. I might be ambidextrous. Dad:. You might have gotten it from me,. I’m half ambidextrous. Thought of this one but. I don’t think","I’ll have a chance to use it" +"At work Context: I work for an insurance company Coworker- Man all these flood policy calls today. Me- They really are flooding the lines","Co workers gave me the derpiest face ever" +"Got Dadjoked by my Dad on the phone last night. So I'm studying maths at university and have my last exam next week on the subject of Galois Theory. My Dad asked what it was about so I dumbed it down and said Oh it's about rings and fields","(two classes of mathematical object), to which he replied Is that like crop circles then" +"My daughter asked, Hey pop, what're you posting on Reddit","I chuckled, Well honey, they /r/dadjokes" +"Dr: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards","Me: And" +"When I reach home, my 1. 5 y. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease","It's called Parking Son's disease" +"I guess we're doing number jokes so","I got one too 1 2" +"What do I know about dwarves","Very little" +"What did the doctor say to the guy who had his entire left side cut off","You'll be all right" +"Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital","The hip Doctor" +"My heart goes out to the diabetic knight","He sure does have to lance a lot" +"A raven has 17 primary wing feathers These are the big ones at the end of the wing, also called pinion feathers. A crow only has 16 of them","So the difference between a crow and a raven is only a matter of a pinion" +"Vaccines, you are no longer employees here","I guess you could say there were, shots fired" +"Slightly Dirty Joke So my uncle Frank and my dad have known each other since college where they were roommates together for all 4 years. One joke they keep going between them surely pulls a few laughs from everyone in the vicinity. So whenever they get together, the drinks are not far behind. So here is how it plays out. Dad: (you want some) liquor. Frank: lick her. I barely know her. And they start cracking up. They do the same thing for poker","Edit: Formatting" +"My wife dances like she makes love","With other people" +"Got my very old boss with an unexpected dad joke Got a new work shirt from my boss. The first one he gave me was too small and then he proceeded to give me the right size. After changing he told me. Boss- That shirt looks tailor made. Me- Well I don't know who Taylor is, but we should find him and tell him good job","" +"Have you heard the joke about the hearse that only carries midgets","The delivery is always a little stiff" +"How do you keep bricks fresh","Store them in a Mason Jar" +"My wife said. I should stop acting like a flamingo","I had to put my foot down" +"I made up a word","Plagiarism" +"I used to date this magazine","But she had too many issues" +"I'm not allowed to drink yet","But when I'm older, I'll give it a shot" +"What do you get when you mix a border collie and a cantaloupe","A melancholy" +"Fears Therapist: what’s your greatest fear. Me: vowels Therapist: why","Me: only sometimes" +"A 3, 5, & a 7 walk into a bar. Never mind","This is an odd joke" +"What did one nut say to another nut","I'm gonna cashew outside" +"Mildly racist dad joke I was introducing my Singaporean friend to my dad and after a short silence he asked So do you sing well. or do you Singapore","Thankfully we both laughed" +"I’ve been trying to find an herbal remedy to keep me from feeling rushed","turns out I just need more Thyme" +"I am very particular about my pens","It's either go bic or go home" +"Hello","Me: My ear has been ringing for like 5 minutes it's driving me nuts Dad: Well why don't you answer it Forehead slap" +"5 years old cousin just cracked a dadjoke. This happened 2 minutes ago. My uncle asked me yesterday to download some games and put them in my 5 years old cousin's PSP, when I put the games in the PSP it didn't recognize them, so when my little cousin asked me today about his PSP I told him The PSP didn't recognize the games and he just looked at me with a grin on his face and said That's because he'd never met them before . I'm proud. EDIT : Spelling mistakes","PS : Ignore my shitty English, not my first language" +"My dad is a bad influence on me. My line manager just said to me my friend, he's a chemist, got married to this girl Me don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it. Me, while banging my head against something solid","There must've been chemistry between them" +"Batman On our eighth date together myself and my wife went to see the new batman film. Previously all our other dates were meals out","So it went Dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman" +"My boss fired me for cracking to many Asian jokes","It ended my Korea" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school","The teacher woke him up" +"What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle","Attire" +"Proud of my six year old My four year old fell down and hit her butt on something and started crying. My six year old calls her over so she can “take a look. ” She says “Well I think you broke your butt. There’s a crack down the middle","”" +"Lesbian parents","have a momopoly" +"Me: I have nothing to do tomorrow","Dad: Well it is a free day" +"My dad on calling out from work [Picture] http://imgur","com/AW3PYcZ" +"The government shut down the local locksmith for a while due to the pandemic","He said but I'm a key worker" +"what do you call baby snowmen","chilldren" +"My friend. David lost his. ID. Now he's just","Dav." +"My friend told me i couldn't make a percussion-like sound by moving my fingers against each other","That's when i snapped" +"Dad jokes are good","But food jokes are souperior." +"People who are offended by crucifixion jokes seem rather cross","I don't understand what their hangup is" +"Did you hear about the bingo caller who had a tumor","Luckily, the tumor was B-9" +"What do you think of Potassium Oxide jokes","I think that they're OK" +"Just saw my son crying because he doesn't know what a homophone is","To comfort him I sat next to him, patted his back and said, They're, their, there" +"A guy was admitted to hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach","His condition is now stable." +"Every time we go over a railroad crossing, I tell my kids. “Hey, a train just went by. “How do you know daddy","” “Because its tracks are still here" +"So my friend and his dad were at the vet's office with their dog. Receptionist: Alright, what's his name. Dad: Tripp. Receptionist: Okay, can I see a driver's license","Dad: Oh no, he doesn't drive yet" +"Why do farmers vote for mathematicians","Because they're protractor" +"He may not know it, but this kid has a bright future ahead of him http://i. imgur. com/FEY9r13","png" +"I gave my wife a check from my plasma donations","She threw it back at me She told me to keep my blood money" +"How do Jedis greet each other","“Yo” Duh" +"The owls were working together all along","Turns out they were in cahoots" +"Tablets, smoothies; why do people want their nutrients so fast","Because the old tree ents were too slow" +"*Drives past Graveyard* I heard that’s a pretty good Graveyard","People are just dying to get in there" +"How do you say Merry Christmas to your blankets","Fleece Navidad" +"What do you call a fighting move themed around pasta","smackaroni and cheese" +"What do you call someone who sells their body for spaghetti","A pasta-tute" +"Brightening my BF's recovery from surgery with Dad Jokes **Background**: My boyfriend is stuck on crutches after having hip surgery and likes to sit in the recliner with his legs propped up. Since he can't move his hips, I have to lower the footrest for him to get out of the chair. **Him**: Can you put my feet down so I can go relax in the bed for a while. **Me**: Feet, you're stupid and useless and no one likes you. **Him** giving me silence with a side of contempt while I cackle","*Laughter is the best medicine" +"I cut my finger chopping cheese","I think I may have grater problems" +"Some people ask me why I never hold a grudge","I’ve always hated those people" +"When ordering a cherry. ICEE at the movies the girl behind the counter asks, “red cherry or white cherry” “Either one,","I don’t like cherry picking”" +"Why does the keyboard work 24/7","Because it has 2 shifts" +"I offered my wife some salad yesterday. She said No thanks, I can take it or leaf it","I'm so proud" +"A nun was fired from her job in heaven. so she came down to earth and started looking for a job. One night, when she is filling out a job application, there is a question that asks her to check the boxes next to the jobs that she has previously worked at","She looks at the answers for a second, and then checks the box marked, Nun of the above" +"I left $100 in my suit jacket at the dry cleaners","Unfortunately when I went to get it back, they were shut down for money laundering" +"My wife asked how. I felt about split pea soup. I said","I was a little divided on the subject" +"Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer","**He just couldn't see himself doing it" +"People say I have poor grammar","I guess I'm just unarticulate" +"You know,","Earth without art would just be eh," +"Dr: do you smoke. Dad: yeah dr: cigarettes, Marijuana","Mostly brisket and pork" +"I accidentally took white out instead of my Viagra","Now I'm left with a huge correction" +"Wife tried a dad joke We have some nacho cheese in the fridge. My wife told me not to worry about it because it's not your cheese . I kinda rolled my eyes and she said oh you can't laugh at my corny jokes","I looked at her and said that joke wasn't corny baby, it was cheesy" +"What do you call an attractive female attorney","prosecutie" +"What do you call a soft drink readying for the apocalypse. Dr","Prepper" +"What do you call a wandering caveman","A Meanderthal" +"I don't know if this quite belongs here, but. Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of sarcasm. It was weird Fullmer said. I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, Great weather eh. and I thought - Wait a minute, no way is it great weather . Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate. Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use sarcasm himself in future. I'm, like, using it all the time he said","Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said Hey, great weather" +"My wife is pregnant, due any day now. Suddenly, the contractions start. “CAN’T, WON’T, I’M, HAVEN’T, DON’T, ISN’T","” she yelled" +"I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't really like to talk about it","I guess you could say I'm low-key" +"We should all be listening to music on a lower volume to save energy:","Turn down for watt." +"There's an envelope on my doorstep that says do not bend","I still haven't worked out how to pick it up." +"Got my friends this past weekend A couple we're friendly with have a really cute 3-year-old girl who loves to play with the small animals in the backyard (mostly toads). Recently the girl found a bird a little later than their pet cat did, and didn't realize the bird was dead. Her mom, being a bit strange and not wanting to explain death to her daughter quite yet, puts on a pair of yard gloves and -- when the daughter wasn't looking -- sticks the dead bird up in a tree. Tells her daughter, look, he's napping in the tree","At this point in the story I chime in, Weekend at Birdie's" +"If you flip a boat over, it will fit on your head; After all, it's now","capsized" +"My neighbors are ridiculous","It's only January and they already have their Christmas decorations up" +"If you see a fork in the road -","Pick it up." +"Got a client at work today I work as an auditor and was out doing a review for a cemetery. I was having him explain their costing, and he said it costs around $3 per body in the ground. I quickly replied Well that's dirt cheap","His blank stare said it all" +"Guy:. You're the most average girl. I've ever met. Girl:. Wow you are mean. Guy:","No, you are" +"I wonder what the UK's diet plan is. because they're dropping pounds by the minute. Edit: I wasn't sure if this was a dad joke or a mean joke. But judging by the eye roll I got from my wife","I figured it would fit better here" +"We are staying in a hotel forever. We were at a hotel this weekend and my dad pulled this on my brother and me. I was trying to get my phone online and as usual the hotel internet took me to their website. They had a cool thing wher you could order room service or an alarm or different stuff, including checking out from the room. Me: Cool you can check out from the room. Dad: I hope so, I don't want to live here forever","I walked straight into that one, and then we all laughed" +"The invention of the shovel","Ground breaking" +"I've been wearing this mask for so long, I wasn't sure I'd even be able to get rid of it","But I pulled it off" +"How does James Bond order his third martini","Shaken and a little bit slurred" +"What do non-Israelis call Krav Maga","Jew Jitsu" +"What do well bred people do in their leisure time","They loaf around" +"Two wrongs don't make a right","[one-liner] Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left, and two Wrights made an airplane" +"What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer","A father in law" +"Where do you go if convicted but given a light sentence","Prism" +"I can't wait. I can't wait for","Christmas to be present day." +"On the way home So I was getting a ride home from a friend, and as she was driving through my neighborhood she realized that every single turn was a left turn (I'd actually never noticed it before). Then I snuck in a dad joke. The conversation went something like this: Her: Wow, there's a lot of left turns Me: Don't worry, when you leave, everything will turn out alright.","and she actually laughed" +"Do anyone knows what cows do on weekends","They go to the moooooovies" +"Why did the taxidermist open his window","Because it was stuffy inside" +"I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, Take Your Kid to Work Day. As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her","As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with" +"Whycan’tastronaughtsgetdrunk","becausethere’snospacebar" +"What computer sings the best","A *Dell*" +"Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said “This piece of paper has nothing on it","” Billy replied “I drew a blank”" +"I used to work in a clothing store for tall people. I had to quit","I couldn't stand everyone talking down to me" +"I'm afraid I see my son playing a computer game. Me: What game is that. Son: Fear","Me: I'm afraid I've never heard of it" +"My dad never misses an opportunity My mom is a recovering stroke victim and walked with one of those four-pronged canes. she came inside and realized on of the rubber pad things fell off the cane in the yard. I ran outside to find it. When I came back in, I yelled I found the rubber. To which my father replied Good. We wouldn't want her having unprotected steps","Buh-dum chhh" +"What do you call a sick coffe cup","A coughy mug" +"I recently wrote a paper about erotic photography of plants","It's a photo-sin-thesis" +"Why couldn't the keyboard sleep","Because it has 2 shifts" +"I think my child is going to be a graffiti artist when he grows up","The writing’s on the wall" +"If you made a wall hanging out of cheap necklaces bought from the merch tables at small, underground rock concerts","Would you have a Decoration of Indie Pendants" +"My Dad died due to us not being able to remember his blood type","As he died, he kept insisting that we be positive , but it's hard without him" +"They used to call me. Mr. Apathetic. But","I didn’t care" +"I had a joke about the silent bees","Doesn't matter it's to subtle" +"Got my friend today My friend texted me this morning: My professor's TA is teaching my class today. Her English is very broken and I am not learning. To which I responded: If her English is broken, she should get a doctor to check it out","I'm mildly impressed with myself" +"Why do most dad jokes occur at home","The best ones are home groan" +"Who are the happiest people","Nomads" +"Did you hear about the engineer who had a crazy reasoning for doing something","He had a loco motive" +"I went to the zoo the other day but they only had one dog","It was a Shih Tzu" +"I became really tired when mowing my yard","I had to cut it short" +"I asked my dad what rhymes with. M&M's. He replied, Dr","Dre" +"What do you call the security around a Samsung store","Guardians of the galaxy" +"Why do birds fly south in the Winter","Because its too far to walk" +"if you go to a college graduation ceremony don't bring a sweater","it was easily 800 degrees in that room" +"Starting. Monday right *. Co-Woker:. It's chilly today *. Me:. No, today is. Monday *. Co-Worker:","I will kick you in the head with my left boot." +"When I want a sauna I must have the whole thing to myself","I have selfish steam issues" +"A quick thanks to everyone","Thanks" +"A dinner joke only a dad could make. Me: *checks restaurant tab* So you can get two $6 drinks, but when I get a $2 soda you complain. Dad: It's all relative. When I'm paying for myself it's fine","But when I pay for my relatives it's not" +"I usually do pork shoulder when I smoke meat","I thought about branching out and doing some beef, but I didn't wanna brisket" +"Dads are like boomerangs","I hope" +"Got a buddy in the Coast Guard. Him: Well then you get 20 knot winds blowing, it's not as fun. Me: So what were they. Him: What are you talking about. Me: You said they weren't winds, so what were they. I thought it was hilarious, he just shook his head","Classic" +"What kind of car drives over water","Any car if it’s on a bridge" +"Just tried my first. German sausage","It was the wurst." +"Did you hear about the sponge that ingested another sponge","It was self-absorbed" +"My first dad joke . actually happened in the moments before I became a dad, while my wife was in the throes of labor","As our daughter began to crown, the doctor presented a large mirror and asked my wife, exhausted from 2 hours of pushing, if she would like to see the baby's head, to which I replied, No, she wants to see the baby's feet" +"What do you call security guards at a Samsung store","Guardians Of The Galaxy" +"My dad's new dog has a personal space issue and he pops off with this. Dad- I have to put that dog in AA. Me- why","Dad- She can't hold her licker" +"How to make a dad joke monument. Step 1: build a huge water restricting wall","Step 2: call it the i don't give a" +"Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize","For being outstanding in his field" +"would you like to join our society against the use of puns and for the use of alternative protein sources","no whey" +"Be careful of charming fat guys, ladies","They are just trying to get into your pantries" +"I am shopping for a new oven","I want to get one that comes pre-heated" +"A wastebasket had one too many beers last night","It was trashed" +"So. I heard. Michael. Jackson was accused of child abuse","I guess you could say those kids where hit by a smooth criminal." +"What do you call a horror movie about an evil statistician","Margin of Terror" +"I always lie behind my wife's back and I hate it","I want to be the little spoon too sometimes" +"Look there's a pack of cows in that field. Son: Herd of cows, Dad Dad: Heard of cows","Of course I have there's a whole pack of them over there" +"A farmer said to me “I have 68 sheep. Can you help round them up for me. ” I said sure","70" +"Dad joked my professor, got threatened with a 3 page essay Some background, I'm taking Listening to Jazz this semester to fill my arts credit. Last week the professor talked about musicians Miles Davis and John Coltrane, and their albums Kind of Blue and A Love Supreme. During class he was trying to explain to us what the difference between different kinds of jazz were. So he pulled all the students wearing blue and asked each student he pulled to describe their shade of blue. I was picked and when it was my turn, I just looked at him and said My shirt looks. Kind of Blue referencing a Miles Davis' album. My professor double face palmed and was so disgusted by me I almost felt bad for laughing","He threatened to give me a 3 page essay on why that was the worst answer I could've given" +"My dad's friend used to be an acrobat I asked him if it was a tough job, and he said it took a lot of training and dedication, but the hardest job to get in the circus was the human cannonball. I asked him why","He responded, It's hard to find someone of the right caliber" +"Did you know. Cardi. B has a sister who’s a fitness instructor. Her names","Cardi-O" +"Tom Brady may be the best QB in NFL history","But that subject is very deflatable" +"What do you call a youtuber who is a werewolf a","Lykensubscribe" +"I just found that the letters ‘t’ and ‘g’ are too close to each other on the keyboard","I’m never again writing Regards when I write an email to my boss" +"Me homebrewing some fantasy drinks for my campaign, when my dad walks into my room, sees what im doing. and asks me if I need some help getting the creative juices flowing. It's a common thing for him to say, so I only got it after he left. I don't think he even realized it himself","At this point I'm too afraid to ask" +"I punched a guy who tried to rob me as I got on the bus","It was only fare" +"My daughter was watching a video about amazing human feats. Daughter: Hey Dad, did you know that Usain Bolt can run 27. 7mph. Me: Sure, but that's nothing, it's possible to run over 70mph if you have the wind to your back. Daughter: What. Is that really possible. Me: Yep. Anyone in a *Hurry Can*","Some say she's still sighing to this day" +"Why did the cannibal always introduce his friends to each other","Because he liked to have people meat" +"Dad Joked the entire room Sitting in the living room talking about the appeal of nascar with the family when my step mother said she liked the drag races more. Without missing a beat I popped off with: I've never understood the appeal of watching grown men in high heels running down the street","It was the best part of my day to watch everyone in the room pause, turn slowly toward me and groan loudly" +"My dad Slashed my tires. https://imgur","com/gallery/XUSxk Thought you guys might appreciate this" +"What's red and smells like blue paint","Red paint" +"Theft at the cemetery I'm a reporter. This is me relaying an incident to my boyfriend. Me: So dispatch reported a theft at the cemetery. I thought that was odd, so I called the police chief. Him: Did you. get the dirt. M: Oh geez. Anyway, he said he didn't know what happened but he'd get back to me later. H: Did you keep. digging deeper. M: Stopppp. Anyway yeah he called me back later and said someone stole some flowers from a grave. H: Did he say it all. deadpan. That's about when my brain exploded","" +"Abominable:","A word used to describe an explosive device swallowed by a male bovine" +"Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure. http://imgur","com/hJn6KzC" +"What do you call someone with no body and no nose","Nobody Knows" +"Got In trouble with the misses","She asked if I made the bed but I told her I'm not a bloody carpenter" +"A cruel jest, but I was proud of it. So the other day during a 20 minute break at University, some of my classmates got onto the discussion of relationships. One lad (to my suprise) ended things with his long term girlfriend, somebody asked why. To which he would only say: It just wasn't working. A sudden rush of sadism crawled up me, and I couldn't bottle it up. I immediately blurted out: You know they have drugs that can help you with that. I was met with both shocked looks or empty stares","Still, my mates had a laugh about it when I told them afterwards" +"What kind of batteries does a fish use","C batteries" +"One of my friends was visiting and he really liked my new memory foam pillow, so much so he offered to buy it. I told him I don't know,","I need to sleep on it" +"I asked my fireman friend what he was doing last night. He replied:","Oh you know, just picked up some hose." +"Did you ever hear about the sick juggler","He just couldn’t stop throwing up" +"mom story, dad joke My mom just told me a good one. Your dad came down here and I told him I saw a carpenter ant, because ya know, carpenter ants usually mean you have termites or the start of termites, and your dad said 'carpenter ant, are you sure","What kind of hammer was he holding" +"TIL Houseflies buzz in the key of F [It's true. ](http://mentalfloss. com/article/69639/do-all-houseflies-hum-key) Unless you swat them","Then they're flat" +"Kid: how are photographers born","Dad: Well son, when a paparazzi and a mamarazzi love each other very much" +"My foot is like Lance Armstrong","It has only one ball" +"I got a good one from my manager last night: We are in the process of remodeling the store I work at. Co-worker: The walls need another coat of paint. Manager: I don't think they do, maybe just a jacket","The rest of us: Groans" +"Dad joked a stranger at the Zoo We couldn't find the reptile in the aquarium. I'm pretty sure the exhibit was empty. So I said to my son: Oh look. He's right under there. My boy has heard that one a million times already and wasn't taking the bait. But. - The stranger standing next to us says: Under where. LOL. - I made you say Underwear Dude smiled and groaned","My kid laughed his ass off" +"My dad on coming home from work **Dad comes home from work** Him: Dinner again. We just had it yesterday","*laughter ensues*" +"What does a marching band use to keep their teeth clean","A tuba toothpaste" +"Thought you guys might like my metaphor joke Well, actually, it's not a metaphor joke, it's a simile joke","It's like a metaphor joke" +"Helped my daughter make a pillow fort. Me: We've got enough pillows to make a fivet. Kid: What's a fivet","Me: It's a little bigger than a fort; half the size of a tent" +"What do you call a cop in a bed","(Lord help me) Pig in a blanket 😄☝😭🐷" +"Wife and I were walking through the grocery store. Wife says Ugh, I think my sciatic nerve is acting up again . I respond with I'm glad it's not your scibasement","That would really bring you down" +"A Target cashier commented on my purchase I was buying Goat Simulator as a gag gift for a friend. The cashier looks at it and I smile uncomfortably","He says, Don't be sheepish about buying this" +"Marriage. Counselor:. Your wife says you never buy her flowers","I didnt know she sold flowers" +"I bought a star last night. He’s the sun","I’ve always wanted" +"Nobody wants to listen to White Snake with me","So here I go again on my own" +"I founded a successful knife company","Key to success is the latest cutting edge technology we use" +"How did the guru cross the river","He swami across it" +"What do you call a pretty girl in Georgia with a limp. A peach hobbler. (This is an original as far as I can tell. Made it up years ago on a car ride across the US with the family","Kids are in college now but still enjoy it" +"What is it called when you put a cow in an elevator","Raising the steaks" +"My bald surgeon is the most charismatic man. I've ever met","He's a real smooth operator." +"What do you call bovine-owned beachfront property","Prime Veal Es-Steak" +"What did the Mexican fire chief name his two sons","Jose and Hose B" +"Why aren’t koalas actual bears","The don’t meet the **KOALAFICATIONS**" +"A joke can be like a fart","If you force it, it’s probably shit" +"Champagne Toast Girlfriend: Who's ready for the champagne toast","Me: No thanks, I'll just have some butter on my toast" +"Husband says to his wife “How come you never tell me when you orgasm","” She says “I don’t like calling you at work" +"Embarrassed the wife at a party with this one Host dips her chip into a bowl of taco dip, breaks chip, new person arrives at the front door, host gives up and walks away with chip stuck in dip. Person next to me: Wow, she just left it in there. Me: Yeah, she abandoned chip","Wife just groans and walks away" +"I might be a dad My friend is shopping and asks where she can find raisins","I respond: They're where the grapes used to be" +"What does T'challa put on his hot dog","Wakandaments" +"Dad at Lunch My brother, my parents and I are sat down for lunch. dad: Do they have any epileptic lettuce. all of us: What. What are you talking about. dad: Do they have any epileptic lettuce","You know to go with my (Pause for effect) *seizure* salad *Collective groan follow by pathetic laughter*" +"Subtle. It's my mother's birthday today. Me: Hey Dad, I got cards for me and [brother] so you don't have to buy us any","Dad: I got one for mom lol" +"Where does poor pasta live","The spaghetto" +"Dad hit me with 2 jokes back to back the other day So we were bowling and I threw my first ball and only hit 9 pins. My dad asked me You gonna use your extra ball. I said it's called a spare ball he just looked at me with a shit eating grin and then I knew I got dad joked. I just rolled my eyes and threw my ball and managed to just hit the pin and as I walked back he said Wow you sparely got that one","He used that joke 5 more times that game and laughed his ass off each time" +"A man is washing his car with his son","His son says dad, why can't you just use a sponge?" +"I wrote a Waltz once","It was easy as 1-2-3" +"I may never fully recover from this one. As my family was driving to a restaurant, my mom pointed out a cool looking Audi car. My dad: Hm, I wonder when they will make innies","Needless to say, there was much uhg -ing on this night" +"People in Athens hate getting up early","Because Dawn is tough on Greece" +"The surface of Mars looks identical to the Nevada desert. There's only one explanation","NASA faked the state of Nevada" +"Two satellites got married","Two satellites got married, no one turned up but at least there was good reception" +"Dad joked by my boyfriend today. He's cooking lunch for him and his son, and he sends me a text: Him: It's about to get chilly in here. Me: Why","Him: *sends me a picture of a can of chili* Me: *groans*" +"Did you hear about the police standoff with the gardener","He wouldn't release his hosta" +"Wife called it a knee slapper, I think she was lying We're driving along and my wife is complaining about the lack of mild weather compared to when we grew up. Wife: I haven't had a really good fall in *years* Me: That's because you've had me here to hold you up. Wife: http://i. imgur. com/sPwgpLj","jpg" +"My dad always told me his dream was to open a store that only sold Siamese fighting fish","And he'd name it I'll Do You One Betta" +"My wife wanted me to pick up some drier sheets from the store I was compiling a shopping list for things to pick up from the store when I asked my wife if there was anything she could think of to add. I don't know. Dryer sheets. Dryer sheets. The ones on the bed right now seem pretty dry, I don't know how much drier the ones at the store will be","Classic" +"When my wife tells me she's going to go jump in the shower","I say be careful that sounds dangerous" +"What's Paul Walkers name in Fast and Furious 7","Paul Runner" +"Dad just got a new TV. and we were discussing first title he could watch on his new television. Dad: I think I'll watch 'Gravity' first *Me: I saw that one. * Dad: Where did you see that. *Me: Pirate Bay. * Dad: Was it in 3D. *Me: Nope. Pirate Bay doesn't have any movies in 3D. * Dad: Why not. *Me: Because of the eye patches","* It took a few seconds for the penny to drop" +"Dieting in Germany is easy","Just look for *gluten tags*" +"I had a few jokes about my unemployed friends","But none of them seem to work" +"I tried dating a woman in a mental institution. Unfortunately it didn't work out because I wasn't committed",":(" +"Snapchat for today http://i. imgur. com/QTthp4v","png" +"It's weird how nobody knew who the Iranian general Soleimani was a few days ago","It's like he blew up overnight" +"My dad said he once made a belt from watches","Waist of time" +"I told the hotel receptionist, “I would really like a wake up call”","She said, “Get off Reddit for once and do something productive" +"Dad didn't want me to kill a fly inside the house","because then we would have to deal with the other 5 that come to the funeral" +"What's a ninjas favorite kind of shoes","Sneakera *ba dum tiss*" +"I just electrocuted myself. How do you current-ly feel. Quite amped. Watt did you say. I said it hertz a lot","Oh, that's quite shocking" +"Minneapolis dismantled the police","Now it's just Minnea" +"I heard my sons first words today Where have you been for the past 20 years","So beautiful" +"What do you call a witch who rides dune buggies","A sand-witch" +"What's the difference between a clown and an athletic rabbit","One is a little bit funny & the other is a little fit bunny" +"Did you hear about the man who jumped off the Eiffel tower","He went in Seine" +"I should really thank sidewalks","They keep my son off the streets" +"A danish, a cornbread piece, and a croissant plays. Dungeons and. Dragons","I guess you can say they are roll playing ..." +"My father could be this sub's mascot. Dad's visiting for a couple of weeks, and this is our first conversation this morning. I get out of bed and go straight to the kettle to boil water for my morning coffee. I'm limping because my foot fell asleep while I was browsing Reddit in bed a couple of minutes before. Dad: What happened. Me: My foot fell asleep. Dad: Make sure there's enough water for a second cup of coffee",":l" +"Did you hear the one about Epstein’s Prison Guard who died in a car crash","It’s all over next weeks papers" +"I have an idea for a barbeque-flavoured breakfast cereal","I call it Mesquite O's" +"The difference between a prairie chicken and a regular chicken","Religion" +"Pulled this one out on my husband So last night, I decided to treat my husband to a big dinner. He piles food on his plate and begins to eat. A while later I heard him sigh out in contentment. So I proceeded to ask. Me: Was it good. Him: Yeah, I ate my whole plate and now I'm stuffed. Me: Well you could've left the plate. I didn't look too tasty to me","I got glared at" +"A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says Wow in all my years I've never seen a weasel walk into my bar. What can I get you","Pop goes the weasel" +"My Sister posted a picture on Facebook. These are the comments. http://imgur","com/kTbk6v2" +"My husband dadjoked me Me: I have a tiny little cut it my finger. I have no idea how it got there. Him: Have you been hanging out with Catholics","It could be a papal cut" +"I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant","But then I changed my mind" +"Why did my dad ask for a new butt for Christmas","Because his had a crack in it" +"Bear waks into a bar He says to the bartender: hey. hows it going. The bartender replies: why the big pause","" +"My brother after watching the winner of a women's swimming event last night Mom: is that swimmer Russian. Bro: well","Not anymore, she finished Blank stares turned to realizations and then everyone threw stuff at him" +"While Hulk Hogan was testifying about his 10 inch penis . 2 more inches and it wouldn't be a penis, it'd be a foot","Thanks, Dad" +"Did you hear about the sick Italian chef. He pasta-way","I cannoli imagine what his family is going through" +"Feeling Techy Why did the computer fall asleep as soon as it got home","IT HAD A HARD DRIVE" +"You can have my pencils, but not my paper","I've gotta draw the line somewhere" +"I can't believe I accidentally drank food coloring","The doctor says I'll be fine, but it feels like I dyed a little on the inside" +"My buddy works at a restaurant on a Native American reservation","He's a Sioux chef" +"I'd like to start with a blanket statement","I love quilts" +"Boyfriend got me with this one the other day. Bf: ouch, I cut myself pretty bad. Me: oh no. Are you ok. Bf: careful, that cheese is extra sharp. Me: . (groan). wait, did you not actually cut yourself. Bf: nope","Bf laughs hysterically" +"Why do squirrels swim on their backs","To keep their nuts dry" +"How do we call an elephant that is not important","Irrelephant" +"A perfect. World. Cup sick day excuse. Need to take a sick day,","Woke up with a fifa and think its because of too much russian around." +"I'm so sick of kids trying out new identities. All they ever say is, I'm hungry, or I'm tired","I thought you were Kevin" +"My wife told me i had to stop acting like a flamingo","That's when i finally put my foot down" +"Why didn’t the skeleton go trick or treating","He had no body to go with" +"Big Nose There's a guy, we'll call him Benny. Benny has a wooden eye, and isn't too popular with the ladies. One day, the guys go to Benny and say Hey Benny, there's a dance going on downtown. Come join us and you'll meet someone, we're sure of it. Benny agrees and heads to the dance. Across the way he spots a lady who he fancies. She is known around town of having a really REALLY big nose. She isn't too popular with the fellas. He decides with his wooden eye to go ask her to dance. He walks up to her and asks Would you like to dance. She looks up at him and responds Would I. He fumes and looks at her, saying angrily Big nose","Big nose" +"A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff","“Ba-dumm-Tsss”" +"Wanna hear a killer joke. A neighbor comes over and asks to borrow some lettuce","Me: Look in the fridge, I'm sure there must be a head in there somewhere" +"He urned my applause http://i. imgur. com/Qowz0kx","jpg" +"Two Boss-Jokes. Yesterday at work we had 3 guys named Mike call out in the same day. My boss who we'll call Linda, her boss who we'll call Steve and I were talking about it. I suggested that perhaps they'd gone to some type of gathering for people named Mike. Steve says Oh my gosh, that's what those signs outsides of bars are talking about. Linda and I are confused and Steve just says open mike night Today Linda, Steve, another co-worker, and I were discussing diet and how you shouldn't eat before bed. That turned into Linda and the other co-worker saying they don't let their kids drink before bed","To which Steve replied I don't let my kids drink at all, they're not old enough This man also has a halloween shirt that features the skeleton of a dauschund and says Happy Hollow Weenie He is my hero" +"Why did the golfer hire a chauffer","He needed a good driver" +"Visit parents, get dadjoked Dad: I have a great knock knock joke for you. But you have to start it Me: Ok","knock knock Dad: (serious face) who's there" +"What do you call yourself when your mom is Jewish and your dad is Christian","Jew-ish" +"What did the fish say after hitting the wall","Damn" +"My wife couldn't take her bra off","It was a boobytrap" +"The President's family has it so easy these days. Did you know the original first family had to spend all of their days cleaning","They were washingtons" +"What does a forest fire and herpes have in common","Both most likely started with a careless match on tinder" +"This girl came up to me today and said I knew her from a vegetarian conference we attended","I swear I never met herbivore" +"A woman sees her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.  “You know that’s not going to help, right. ” she asks. “Sure, it will,” he says","“It’s the only way I’ll be able to see the numbers" +"I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me Do you need any help","I said: Yes, but I'm here to get whiskey instead" +"Girlfriend sarcastically addresses me as Captain . Me: You're absolutely right. I'm the captain of the ship. Girlfriend: What ship","Me: The relationship" +"What kind of music do chickens like best","Bach" +"I angered two people today by calling them hipsters","Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins" +"A man made a mistake in an elevator","He was wrong on many levels" +"Technically, this is a mom joke, but so it goes. I ordered a bunch of loose fancy tea on the internet. Wanting to let people in the house know that I am expecting a package, I said, Hey, I just ordered a bunch of tea. It's coming FedEx. It should be here on Friday or Saturday","To which my mom says, It'll have gone cold by then" +"Never argue with a 90 degree angle","They’re always right" +"I’m afraid you have. Tom. Jones. Disease. Don’t worry there are plenty of other people with it,. It’s. Not","Unusual" +"What is the cheapest way to stay in shape","Free Weights" +"My T-Rex enjoys eating pizza","He's quite the connoissaur" +"What did the millionaire learn when he got in a car accident","He learned how his Mercedes Benz" +"I hear you stole my healthcare joke","You’re gonna pay for that" +"For Halloween this boy showed up at my door with an hourglass","He said, Trickle treat" +"What did the girl mushroom say to the boy mushroom at the end of their first date","You're a real fungi" +"Tim Vine, the master of dad jokes Thought you guys would like this: Tim Vine. Another One Night Stand: http://youtu","be/ZtUZWUSKk88" +"Two atoms having a conversation at the bar: \- I think i've lost an electron \- Are you sure","\- Yes, i'm postive" +"What does a mathematician do when he has something stuck up his nose","He works it out with a pencil" +"Dadjoked my bf today We were talking about one of his coworkers who won't admit she's overworked","Bf: Pride cometh before the fall Me: Actually, summer cometh before the fall" +"Woman walks into a library and says have you any books about paranoia","Librarian says their behind you" +"friend asked me have you ever felt the agony of defeat","i said of course, these shoes are killing me" +"I used to work at a calandar factory","I was fired for taking a couple days off" +"The Train conductor at the station this morning was definitely a Dad. So I was taking the train to work this morning, and I'm exchanging at a station. I walk up the stairs to the platform to get my second train which should lead me to work, and I notice a train leaving the platform. As anyone would do, I asked the conductor is that Liverpool. (referring to the train as my destination). He replied No mate, that's a train","It wasn't the liverpool train and I wasn't late, but that sure made my day" +"What did the dyslexic shoe based superheroes say when they assembled","Shoe-per friends, untie" +"Who here has heard of Pavlov","The name should ring a bell" +"I won't loose the sails captain","I will knot" +"I was studying biology with my dad Dad: What would you call the plate without the ampicillin. Me: The control Dad: And what if it were really far away from the other plates","Me: Um, I don't know Dad: The remote control" +"What's the advantage of living in Switzerland","Well the flag is a big plus" +"Two antennas met on a roof and fell in love","The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was incredible" +"How do locomotives hear","Through their Engineers" +"Instead of the local festival, my friend is going to a concert tonight. http://i. imgur. com/INcqgZ3","png" +"What do you call a one-hundred-year ant","An ant-ique" +"An adventure","alpaca my bags" +"Doctors sure spend a whole lot of time and money on medical school","Just to become ill informed" +"So I took a drug test, today. As I stepped out of the bathroom and handed the doctor my sample, I said, Urine for a treat","I'm so proud of myself" +"Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth","It’s pasteurized before you even see it" +"I know how. Game of","Thrones will end with the last episode" +"My dad said you should always be up front with everyone","Great man, terrible goalkeeper" +"My brain hates me Thoughts that keep my brain from being able to sleep 😴 at night: Why isn’t artificial cinnamon flavoring called cinn-onym","🤦🏻‍♂️" +"What is the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant","About 4,000 miles" +"Anyone want a 12 inch BLT on toasted Italian bread","Oops, wrong sub" +"I don't normally tell dad jokes. But when","I do, he laughs" +"My wife accidentally put over $200 of cash through the washer and dryer, her uncle couldn't help himself. https://imgur","com/a/QDA0hRE" +"My wife is mad at me because I couldn’t tell she was wearing a new perfume. Really","It just doesn’t make any scents" +"Where do people who can’t find their hamburger go","The lost and ground" +"Donald Trump has proposed a ban on pre-shredded cheese","He said he wants to Make America Grate Again" +"Why did Popeye punch the Pope. He heard he went to Mt","Olive" +"My wife made the kids and. I garden salad for dinner instead of caesar salad. Caesar salad is our favourite so","I told her she really lettuce down" +"The ultimate dad joke I toss a sheep, a drum, and a snake off a cliff. Ba. Dum","Tsssss" +"Kid: Dad Dad, I'm thirsty","Dad: Pleased to meet you, I'm Friday" +"I bought the best ever seasoning for my mutton","It’s the Greatest Of All Thyme" +"A bread truck rear-ended me on the interstate and then sped away","It was a hit and bun" +"Communism jokes aren't funny","Unless everyone gets them" +"I get very aggressive when. I'm forced to play certain stringed instruments","Don't make me use violins." +"6:30 is the best time","Hands down" +"What did the Bluetooth speaker say when it fell in the quicksand. Help","I’m syncing" +"I broke one of my fingers. On the other hand","I'm okay." +"Conversation with my boss Boss: are you any good at PowerPoint. Me: I Excel at it. Boss: Is that a Microsoft joke","Me: Word" +"My wife was asking me about left-handed family members (I'm left-handed) Wife: is anyone else in your family left-handed. Me: no. Wife: Not your brother or your grandpa. Me: Nope, just my dad. (She knows this). Wife: right. Me: no, left","Wife: 😒" +"I’m trying to remember who won the 100 meter dash at the. Asian. Games last year. I think it might’ve been a","Thai" +"When I was walking down the street, I ran into a celebrity with a Mohawk and jewelry. He looked at me and said, “I piy the fool","” I said, “Hey, you missed a T" +"I caught my cows smoking weed","The steaks were high" +"What do you call a polite cheesemaker","Curdeous" +"What type of music do fish like to listen to","Anything catchy" +"I’ve prepared a musical number for all the dads out there","Three" +"Make the little things count","Teach midgets math" +"I met a girl with 12 nipples today","She was a bitch" +"This is not the joke you're looking for. Wife and I were making pasta yesterday and we have some garlic knot rolls in the freezer. Her: do you want to make garlic bread. Me: no, not really Her: yeah I don't really want it either, you sure. Me: it doesn't matter, it's not bread anyway . Her: wat","OH GOD" +"Roommate got me in the bathroom Bought [this](http://www. amazon. com/gp/product/B00465S1ZG/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o01_s00","ie=UTF8&psc=1) Santa toilet seat cover for the downstairs bathroom Asked roommate if he liked it Roommate: It's nice, but is it a Santatary" +"My girlfriend had a lazy eye. I had to break up with her","She kept seeing people on the side" +"Every time I think back to when I told my dad that I was thirsty. Hey, Thirsty. I'm Friday, let's meet up on Saturday for a sunday. Then I would say no, dad. I am really thirsty. And I am really Friday. And I'm serious about those sunday's on Saturday","Gotta love dads" +"My psych professor dropped this one on us today Professor: Another type of operant conditioning based on therapy is what we call Token Economy","Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that what they have in Jamaica" +"What do you call a line of watches","A timeline" +"20 is too young to be a father but at least I'm prepared. My family had burritos for dinner last night. We usually have a spread of things go put on them, because we all make them slightly differently from each other. As mom was putting out the food, she said Oh crap, I forgot to get olives at the store. At this, I looked up and looked her directly in the eye with just a hint of a grin. In the slight pause that followed, I knew that *she* knew that something was coming. This made the victory all the sweeter","Well, I'll try not to eat *olive* em" +"Who was the meanest reindeer to Rudolph. Olive","Because Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names" +"Did you hear about the trans lawyer who sent a settlement letter to a dentist","It was trans-send-dental-mediation" +"Have you heard about the Czech inventor of the trampoline","He was the first Czech to bounce" +"What is the name of that Russian procrastinator again","Joseph *Stallin'* , right" +"So my dad just had open heart surgery It's his second day in recovery and he's finally awake and starting to walk around a bit. Today he was moved to a step-down unit from ICU. A new doctor we've never seen before came over to check up on my dad. Doctor: Hi Mr. _______, how are you feeling. Dr. Esposito asked me to keep an eye on you. Dad: Oh really. Which one. Poor doctor was so taken aback","He didn't even see it coming" +"What kind of scientist is a butt scientist","an asstronomer" +"Me, telling a flower to leave","Begonia!" +"When my wife is being irrational a few days every month","I tell her she’s ovary-acting" +"Someone assaulted me with butter and cheese today","How dairy..." +"My brother got uncle-joked today http://imgur","com/1BtcDPk Uncle and Dad are also best friends, got a message from my dad complaining that uncle beat him to it" +"I ordered a vault and a speaker off amazon","They arrived safe and sound" +"Told a dad joke while meeting my girlfriend's family So it was my first time meeting my girlfriend's family and it was a holiday so I had assumed it would go like how it is in the movies, the guy being constantly criticized by the girl's family and told he's not good enough but I must have lucked out as they absolutely loved me, after we had the traditional thanksgiving meal at around 4, her family and I went to the porch to drink and joke around. On the way out to the porch, buzzed me thought it would be hilarious to take someone's ukelele with me and hide it on the porch, I promised myself that before the day is over, I'd use that ukelele as a joke piece and get everyone to love me even more","So the evening is going great, everyone's drunk, laughing, telling funny family stories when all of a sudden, I stand up, get everyone's attention and I grab the ukelele, picked it up and said I like to play a little guitar The hysterical, drunken laughs of everyone on the porch was the highlight of the best Thanksgiving I've ever had" +"Dad joked my mom with my dad yesterday. Proud moment. My mom, dad, and I were eating hot dogs. Chili dripped out of my hot dog onto my pants. Me: Crap. I dropped chili on my crotch. My dad: Me too. My mom: Must be in the genes","My dad and me at exact same time: No, it's on my jeans" +"What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen","Snowballs" +"I went to a restaurant last night and had the Wookie steak","It was a little Chewy" +"What does a house wear","Address" +"For a while Houdini used a trap door for every show he did","But it was just a stage he was going through" +"I used to be addicted to soap","I'm clean now though" +"Why do Texas desserts always have ice cream","Because they remember the alamo-de" +"What do you call the petrified remains of a lion named Cow","Moofossil" +"This is why I can't take my dad out anywhere Waitress: Ok, so your paying cash tonight. Dad: Did you just assume my tender","Me: (groans)" +"Barber got me yesterday","Getting my beard trimmed, and she asked me to tilt my head back just a hair" +"Why can’t you hear pterodactyls in the toilet","Because they have a silent P" +"A. Nissan leaf was involved in a police chase that ended with the driver running out of charge","He was released without charge" +"Did you hear about Bruce Lee’s vegan brother","Broco Lee" +"So i was watching tv in the living room. Then i heard someone knocked the door, i went and opened it and it was my sister coming back from school. Sister : I'm home. Me : Hi home. Im matthew *while forcing her to shake my hand*","She throw her book that she was holding right on my face and it was worth it" +"Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't","But he was so insistent that they finally said Fine, suture self" +"A detective was investigating a murder. He soon found that the murder weapon was the bag of the murderer and it had their name on it","It was a briefcase" +"I love corn","It's a-maize-ing" +"God creating dads [God Creating Dads] God: Ah, yes I think I’m done. Dads:Hi Done, we’re Dads","God: Dads: God: *Creates adjustable thermostat*" +"Unexpectedly dad joked dad I made some cookies that turned out terrible and completely stuck to the cookie sheet. As I was forcibly scraping them off my dad asked how they were","I responded These are some tough cookies" +"My barber only does Mohawks, and it's his second job","He only cuts hair on the side" +"My daughter just had her first period and has been complaining all day","She needs to stop ovary-acting" +"What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday","Aye Matey" +"In my mission to promote medical marijuana amongst marine birds,","I shall leave no tern unstoned." +"On the news this morning, they reported about a mountain biker who was chased by a Grizzly","He bearly made it" +"Why did the iPad go to the dentist","Because it had blutooth" +"Kleptomaniacs don’t really understand puns","They take everything literally" +"College Fraternity I asked my dad if he was in a fraternity when he was in school. He said Yeah, I was in Tappa Kegga Ale","Thanks Dad" +"Son: Dad, I think there's a monster under my bed","Dad: Well son, enjoy it because when you get married, the monster us going to be sleeping in your bed" +"I bought a dog from a blacksmith the other day","As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door" +"I just saw a friend of mine sweep a girl off her feet","He’s quite an aggressive janitor" +"Wanna hear two short jokes and a long one","Joke joke jooooooooooooooooke" +"My dad made me a To Do list I guess this is how he imagines a day in the life of his 21 year old http://imgur","com/o4jCUI8" +"Daughter playing with her Playmobil farm Daughter: Poor horsey, are you sick. Me: Are you taking him to the horsepital","Daughter: \*rolls eyes\* Son: \*snickers\*" +"I went to my local. DIY store yesterday and some idiot in an orange apron asked me if. I wanted decking. Luckily","I got the first punch in" +"I was at a cash machine and this old lady asked if I could help check her balance","So I pushed her over" +"Don’t trust atoms","They make up everything" +"my son just became a father last week, so i know it was finally time. i went to his house and gave him my most treasured gift: my book 1001 Dad Jokes he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said thank you so much, im honored which made me start crying","i responded with the only thing i could say hi honored im dad" +"Why *do* we tell actors to break a leg","\*looks to left\* \*looks to right\* &#x200B; Because every play has a cast &#x200B; ~~If anyone gets Reddit gold I swear" +"My dad's allergies. Dad: Does this chicken spaghetti have calories in it. Because I'm allergic to calories","They make me swell up" +"A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door. Jew: Can I help you. Witness: Hello sir, I'm here to tell you about the great Lord Jehovah. Jew: Is that what you call him. You know, we have a name for him too. Witness: No way","Jew: Yahweh" +"What blood type do people from Taiwan have","Taipei" +"How hungry. At grandparents. Topics turn to insurance, power of attorneys, and so on. Wife: we have a living will. Gdad: how much does it eat. Took about 5 seconds before the groans set in","Thanks grandpa" +"How do Mexicans duel","Juan V Juan" +"Why does Ariel wear a seashell bra","Because a D-shell bra would be too big for her" +"Dropped this on my family at dinner My Dad's girlfriend: Do you want me to dress the salad","Me: What clothing" +"Someone mentioned the Vatican. My husband: I've been to Vatican City. There are so many pigeons there","Me: No, they're called cardinals" +"I asked a coworker for some advice He told me to Go with your gut feeling . Immediately after he said that I reached over and started touching his stomach. Bewildered, he asks me What the fuck are you doing","and I simply reply Gut feeling" +"Dad got my whole family today Grandmother: Oh did you hear that Lucy past away last week","Mom: Yeah I did that's so sad to hear, she was my swimming instructor for years growing up Dad: Well its pretty fitting she died from a stroke They groaned I lol'd" +"What do you call someone with no body and no nose","Nobody knows" +"Dadjoked a barista today Barista: Have a good day, sir. Me: You too. Thanks a latte","*The classics never get old" +"Do I like making courthouse puns","Guilty" +"Dad got me with this one Dad and I were talking about something and it was getting fired up. In my moment of complete belief that I was going to destroy him I say. 'You know what. ' Dad : 'No i don't I haven't met him' Killed two birds with one stone","Slipped a dad joke and told me to shut up in one sentence" +"What does an angry pepper do","It gets jalapeño face" +"A dad joke that's spread throughout my family. Me: *Banter towards dad* Dad: Ha. You're funny. Me: *Inner bliss as my father rarely lets me win* Dad: . but looks aren't everything","Me:" +"What did the unborn twins say when they were hungry","Feedus" +"6/9 means one thing","I’m eating cake." +"Every time my Dad goes to Costco. he sees a guy advertising vacuums. Dad- How's the vacuum business. Salesman- It's really picking up. Dad- Really. I heard it sucks","I laugh everytime" +"How does an Australian chess player ask for the bill","Check mate" +"Why do dragons sleep during the day","So they can fight the knights" +"If the Burger King married the Dairy Queen","Would they both live in a White Castle" +"What is a time travelers favorite ice cream","Ripple" +"My daughter out dadjokes me Me: If you're American when you go into a bathroom and American when you come out. What are you while you're in there. Me: European My daughter: what if you're in a hurry","My daughter: you're a Russian" +"My dad is in town and told me a good one","I thought I would share it with you a good one" +"Just got married, the wedding was so beautiful and emotional","Even the cake was in tiers" +"My son told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo","So I had to put my foot down" +"What do you do when an imaginary bee is buzzing around you","Make believe" +"A guy who had lost his legs in an accident just got his prosthetics attached and was being taught how to walk again","He received constructive feetback." +"Why don't Europeans like to pay with cash","Because they have a lot of Czechs" +"Why did the beaver suddenly quit work","Because he hated his dam job" +"I couldn't figure out how to use the soap dispenser Then it dawned on me","Got my girlfriend with this one at her family gathering" +"Reverse Dad Joke Asked my 4 year old son if he wanted to see the movie Big Hero 6","He said I haven't seen the first one (Wiping tear) So proud" +"Which country is next to USA","USB" +"Two Limbo players walk into a bar","They Lost" +"How hot was the girl in choir","A tenor so" +"Today I shot an elephant in my pyjamas","And how it got in my pyjamas, I'll never know" +"What did the Buddhist said to the hot dog vendor","Make me one with everything" +"Me:. A leopard can't chang its stripes. My son:. Dad leopards have spots","Me: well what do you know, they did it!" +"Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy","He was too far out, man" +"What is the coolest letter in the alphabet","B because it is surrounded by A C" +"Did you know a silent film won an Oscar this year","It was quiet the accomplishment" +"Nose joke Mr A : My dog doesn't have a nose. Mr B : how does it smell","Mr A : awful" +"I really want to go rock climbing","I heard it was the most natural way to get high" +"What song does the radio sing","Everybody Hertz" +"I no longer live at home, but my sister keeps me updated on the dad jokes","I got a text from her the other day that said dad went outside to sweep up and he just referred to himself as 'sweeping beauty" +"Anger management classes seem to be getting popular nowadays","You could say they're all the rage" +"A guy at a bar asked are you using all these stools. I asked, What. Are you conducting a stool sample","He walked away, no words" +"My dad just said this before he went outside. I'm going to go stand outside. If anyone asks. I'm out","standing" +"Why are hurricane winds so fast","Because if they weren't, they'd be slowicanes" +"I got so excited for spring","I wet my plants" +"Did you hear about the terrible thesaurus","It was terrible" +"What do you call a really hairy guy who is new to the army","A wookiee" +"A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son. ” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir. ” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter","” The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole" +"My dad bought my daughter a toy flashlight My dad says, She loves it, her face just lights up when she plays with it. I said, Yes, that's because it's a flashlight","The look of pride on his face and the groaning made the last 30 years worth it" +"What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts. Beer nuts are a $1","99 and deer nuts are under a buck" +"A morning walk. A man is going for a walk one morning, and passes a cemetery. He sees a lady kneeling down by a gravestone. He calls out, Morning. to the lady. The lady stands up and says, Nope, just a gardner","Pulling Weeds" +"What’s the Christmas edition of the alphabet called","Noel" +"Memory. I swear, if my memory was any worse,","I could plan my own surprise party!" +"Why don't LED's weigh very much","Because they're light" +"Did you hear about the country that required all vehicles to be diesel powered","Apparently they were Madagascar" +"What did the horse say to the one legged man who he hadn't seen in a long time","How are you getting on" +"What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom","One likes snatching watches and the other likes wa-" +"Do you want to hear a circumstantial joke","Nevermind, you had to be there" +"Son, did you hear how NASA announced John Glenn's death. Son: No","Dad: With an orbituary, of course" +"How do you hide a new video game before Christmas","You put the cartridge in a pear tree" +"why don't oysters give to charity","because they're shellfish" +"Why would it suck to be a pirate in school","You wouldn't like the seas in your report card" +"My female roommate became a dad last night My roommates and I were passing the study room in our apartment and we noticed that the AC was blasting and the room felt like an icebox. I asked Why is it always so cold in there. And one of my roommates responds because it's a cool place to study","My other roommates and I just groan and roll our eyes" +"Raising him right. An oldie but a goodie. this time from my son. on mother's day","Wife: I'm cold Son: hi cold, I'm Samson (Dad wipes tear from eye)" +"As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden","The plot thickens" +"A man calls 911. 911 Operator: 911 what's your emergency Man: My wife is going into labour and I don't know what to do. 911 Operator: Okay. Calm down. Is this her first child. Man: No, this is her husband","Sorry if the spacing is off, I'm typing this from my phone" +"I really want to be a father someday","But my kids think I should start now" +"My boyfriend always says he drives the kind of car. Jesus drove but wouldn't talk about For he would not speak of his own","Accord" +"What garden tool does every Hun use","Atilla" +"You're American when you go into the bathroom and you're American when you come out. But do you know what you are while you're in there","European" +"How many lumberjacks does it take to screw in a lightbulb","'Bout tree fellers" +"To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket","You can hide but you can't run" +"A friend of mine said his thirst was becoming a problem","I offered him a solution" +"Sean. Connery announces new marketing deal with. Gillette. Not sure if you saw the media blitz early yesterday morning, when. Sean. Connery announced to the world that it was. Daylight. Shavings","Time." +"Why don't keyboards sleep","Cause they have two shifts" +"How can you tell that a joke is a dad joke","When the punchline is apparent" +"In the time honored tradition, President Trump pardoned two turkeys this Thanksgiving","Trump Jr and Eric were mighty relieved" +"My friend inhaled a huge balloon of helium","He spoke very highly about the experience" +"My new 9mm with some mags. (X-Post from /r/guns) [Got a new 9mm with some mags that I always wanted. ](http://i. imgur. com/ZyboPkj","jpg)" +"I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake. ” I said, “Oh come on","Not you too" +"So my dad was cooking. He said It gets easier the more you cook it and I said Apparently","and he said Adaughterly" +"Why is O scared of Tom","Because tomatoes" +"What'd do you call a Bear with No Teeth","A Gummy Bear" +"Where do swimmers go for a drink","Dive bars" +"My mom's bf got me good I was telling my mom's bf about an app that allows you to control projectors using the IR blaster in our phones. I use it to mess with teachers, and as an IT guy at a school, he was intrigued. End of the conversation: Me: did you find it. Her bf: yeah its downloading now. Me: do you have a package installer. Her bf: I don't know, ask your mom","I looked at him in disappointment as my mom, him, and his son cracked up" +"What do you call a can opener that doesn't work","A can't opener" +"What's the redneck version of tinder. ancestry","com" +"I accused my wife of adding dirt to the garden. She denied it","The plot thickens" +"My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives. I replied, No, I don't hate your relatives","In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine" +"Did you hear about the escaped midget psychic on the loose","There’s a small medium at large" +"What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination","Haaaaand eeeeeeeeeyeee" +"Last night I went out and watched a movie about cheese","It was G-rated" +"You don’t tell someone to shut up at church","You tell them to Je-Shush" +"How to stop a rhino from charging","Take away its credit card" +"My wife is shady My wife was going out for a late-night junk food run, after the kids had been put to bed. But she couldn't find her glasses (which she needs in order to drive). Wife: I guess I'll be Corey Hart Me: Huh. Wife: I'll wear my sunglasses at night. with a big sh. t-eating-grin. Me: That was AWFUL. I'm so proud","EDIT: formatting" +"Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo, Head and Shoulders","…have not followed up with a bodywash called, Knees and toes" +"Arnold Schwarzenegger and his friend are trying to figure out what to dress up as for a classical costume party, suddenly an idea came to mind, he turned to his friend and says","you be Mozart, I'll be Bach" +"German snipers were impossible to see on the field","They were called Not-Sees" +"What's Forrest Gump's password","1Forrest1" +"People ask me where I found my latest dad joke","I told them I Reddit" +"What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer","The space bar" +"I burned 2,000 calories last night","Left the brownies in the oven for too long..." +"6:30 is the best time of day","Hands down" +"What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer","A father in law…" +"Athiesm is","A non-prophet organization" +"A man walked into a bar. The man yelled Ow","Who put this darn bar here" +"These theater 3D glasses really make everything you see 3D when you put them on","Dad the movie isn’t even playing" +"I can’t sleep unless. I have a fan on","I think it’s a pretty chill way to sleep" +"GF just Trump-Ed one on me I made a dad joke about the stakes for the republican debate being pretty high. Obviously not Trump Steaks, that was a failed business of his, along with Trump Airlines. GF hits back, Yeah I don't think that one ever got off the ground","She even knew exactly what she was saying" +"To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket","You can hide but you can’t run" +"I finally quit drinking for good now","I drink for evil." +"I buy so much crap You could call me a","crap-italist" +"My son must have been relieved to finally been born","He looked like he was running out of womb in there." +"A bug hit my car windshield while I was driving","Bet he doesn't have the guts to do it again" +"My doctor told me. I have amnesia. But","I forgot what it meant" +"How do Germans tie their shoelaces. Into little Nazis","(helps if you say it in a German accent)" +"Sad news coming out of France today, the inventor of the lozenge has died","The service will be held on Saturday, they'll be no coffin" +"I went on a school trip over the weekend, where there was one guy always trying to get everyone to laugh At one place where we'd stopped for lunch, several people noticed a butt-print on the back of one of our vehicles, and this guy looking rather amused with himself","Once everyone had noticed and was aware of the situation, he proudly said, Well, looks like the van got rear ended" +"A blind man walks into a bar","And a table" +"I can't stay mad at the foolish surgeon who transplanted my father's lungs the wrong way","his heart was in the right place" +"I may have gotten a virus when I visited the Bernie Sanders website","Now it Berns when IP" +"What is the most conceited animal","the rhin-arcissist" +"Why was the king one foot tall","Because he was a ruler" +"Dr dr. Me: Dr dr, i always take s poo at 8:00am sharp, every morning,. Dr: sorry I don't see how that's a problem","Me: I wake up at 9:00am" +"Bought these expensive sausages, and my ungrateful kids won't eat them because, in their words, they're past the expiration date","Friggin' spoiled brats" +"I heard this gem at the DMV today. So while waiting at the DMV today to get the registration for my new car, a father and his daughter were waiting for her to get her license. At one point, he turned to her and said, We don't have a piano, but we do have Kleenex. You can't be an organ donor, but you can still be a tissue donor","I chuckled and groaned all at once" +"I don't know how I feel about masturbation anymore. On one hand, it's pretty good","On the other hand, it's a little awkward" +"What job has the most grammatically correct people","People who make games because they are pro-grammars" +"A joke about breast implants made from trees would be funny","Wouldn’t it" +"What game do sailors love most","Yacht-zee" +"I saw a baby gate","it was a-DOOR-able" +"The new iPhone won't be a failure","it will be a huge 6S (x-post /r/apple)" +"I dated a girl who was obsessed with carpentry. I told her You have to make a choice: Me or your equipment","She chose the ladder" +"Did you hear the one about the old jokes that got posted over and over again","Yeah, I reddit" +"What kind of ghosts have the best hearing","The eeriest" +"Giving my batteries away","Free of charge" +"Little. Known. Fact:. Matthew. Broderick almost beat out. Robert. Downey. Jr for the role of. Tony. Stark. When. Downey got the role, they had to change the movie title to. Iron. Man instead of. Ferrous. Bueller's. Day","Off." +"Here is my bucket list: 1. A five gallon bucket 2. A wooden bucket 3. A plastic beach bucket 4. A mop bucket 5. A KFC chicken bucket 6","A bucket seat in my car" +"Did you hear about the new restaurant on the International Space Station. It's kind of a lame scene because there's no atmosphere","The food is out of this world, though" +"My friend is a dad *heading out the door with my friend* Me: hold on, I have to find my car keys Him: khakis","I'm wearin em" +"I hate my job. All I do is crush cans all day","It’s soda pressing" +"Breakfast champion Daughter: Dad, you cook the best breakfasts","Me: You could say I'm an eggspert" +"Don't fart in an apple store","They don't have windows" +"“We were just talking about you” “You disgust me","” “Yes, we did”" +"What kind of magic do cows believe in","MOODOO" +"Senior sex The husband leans over and asks his wife, Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago. We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you. Yes, she says, I remember it well. OK, he says, How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake. Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea. A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this. Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence","" +"After playing our set at the local block party, a group of kids walked up to the stage and the leader laughed, You rock pretty good for a buncha ole geezers, but why the heck did you name your band, 'Bald Patch'. I shrugged and said","To be honest, it was off the top of my head" +"Wife: I am going to be breastfeeding soon","Me: If you stand on your head, do you think they'd be pasteurized" +"What did the monk say when he was asked to leave his temple","Namaste" +"To wife: Of course she knows it's a new year, she wasn't born yesterday. Daughter was born at 8:08am yesterday. 7lbs, 1oz, 20 long. Dad, Mom and baby are doing great. [Image](https://imgur","com/gallery/AB719) Edit - link formatting Edit - My wife thinks the pic makes it look like she gave birth to Mother Teresa" +"I saw four Mexicans in quicksand the other day","It was cuatro cinco" +"When did Bison become so popular in the USA. 1976","it was the bisoncentennial" +"I refer to. David. Hasselhoff as The. Hoff","It's less of a hassel 😏" +"Why do autobody repair shops boil their pasta for 45 minutes","Because they don’t like it all denty" +"What do you call an orange that is also the leader of the Catholic Church","The Pulp" +"Fill it up. I just farted on my wallet","Now we have gas money" +"Xbox was struggling","but they really turned it around with the 360" +"I heard that. Elon. Musk's car had great reviews","Everyone said it's out of this world" +"What kind of bread is best for a vegetarian hot dog","PETA" +"I'm reading a book about anti-gravity","It's impossible to put down" +"Corporate Structure. I was talking to my girlfriend about the sorority structure with President and all the various vice presidents. She mentioned that another sorority uses a corporate structure. Gf: Rather than president they have a CEO and instead of a vice president of finance they have a CFO. Me: So do they have a Chief Operating Officer. Gf: Yeah, I think so. Me: Oh, that's coo","Snickered a bit and she just gave me that you're kidding look" +"I was gonna make a joke about sodium","but Na" +"Why is England the Wettest Country in the World","Because the Queen has reigned there for years" +"Which camel is best at hiding","Camel Leon" +"Why are portholes round","So the water doesn't hit you sqaure in the face" +"I just bought a book about lamps","In case I wanted to do some light reading" +"At the end of a lovely dinner, the waiter asked if I wanted a box","So I got up and knocked him out" +"Why doesn’t Dracula understand himself","He never self-reflects" +"What did the pirate say on his 80th Birthday","Aye Matey" +"If I bought a second set of drums","will there be repercussions" +"Eating toast at a restaurant when I realize all the crumbs on my lap","My friend: Well you've always been a crumby person" +"I once knew a guy who cut small sculptures from Filet Minion","Apparently, that medium is rare, but it’s the steak of the art" +"Son: Dad, why is my sister named Teresa. Dad: Because your mom loves Easter and Teresa is an anagram of Easter Son: Thanks dad","Dad: No problem Alan" +"I gave my neighbour my dead car battery today","Free of charge" +"Girlfriends dad. My kitten loves to jump onto our printer and just sit there. He sees this and immediately says. oh look","cat scan" +"11yr old son: What do you call Batman when he's in a tree","Spruce Wayne" +"My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight","She needs to lighten up" +"My wife read me one of those lists about 100 Things To Do Before You Die","I was really surprised that scream for help was nowhere in there" +"She told me I had to choose between her or my love of abusing infrastructure","I hit the road right then and there" +"Isn’t it sad my cake day is in the midst of a pandemic","Let me share my tiers with you" +"My son said he either wanted a car or a pet for his birthday So I sat him down in the living room and told him he could get both","Then I showed him the carpet" +"My dads doctor says he hasn't seen him in a while Doctor: It's been a while since you've had your last checkup","Dad: Yea sorry doc, I've been eating a lot of apples lately" +"Got my brother with this one just now. We were queued up to play an. ARAM in league of legends when he says I have 747 wins in. ARAM . Immediately. I respond How. Boeing","He didnt get it at first but then you just hear the deepest of sighs" +"What kind of teacher never farts in public","A private tutor" +"They say low intelligence is due to your genetic makeup","Joke's on them, I'm not wearing any" +"What do you call a patronizing psychic midget who is escaping from prison by rope","A condescending con descending who is about to become a small medium at large" +"Got this one here for any Star Wars fans http://imgur","com/TiiTiwE" +"A Yo-Yo walks into a therapists office. Dr asks, So, Mr. Duncan, how's life been for you lately","It's had the usual ups and downs," +"While at the supermarket. My wife and I entered WinCo to do some dinner shopping, and we walked by the meat counter just as a stocker with a serious case of plumber's crack was putting meat out","I turned to my wife and said, That's not the kind of rump roast I had in mind" +"I didn't have enough room on my graph paper","So I had to go off the grid" +"What do a pregnant woman, a frozen beer, and a burnt pizza have in common","An idiot who didn't take it out in time" +"Why are North Koreans so good at geometry","They have a supreme ruler" +"A farmer asked me if. I can help him round up 18 sheep","I said sure, it's 20" +"Why do calendars never get married","Because they would rather date" +"feel you make that does how And","——Reverse psychology" +"Talking about collage. D: Why are Psychologists quiet when they goto the bathroom. Me: Why","D: Because the P is silent Many many many groans" +"Why do they say you should avoid Sea Anemones","Well, they don't exactly call them Sea Afriends do they" +"Who is my dad","The answer is apparent" +"Are you an expert on sonnets","I know iamb" +"Chinese dad jokes deng xiaoping entering u. customs. u. customs: hi. we need to ask u a few obligatory questions before u enter. first, who was the first president of the u. deng xiaoping has no idea how to speak english so he thought they were asking for his last name. he replies 我姓邓 (wǒ xìng dèng) . (sounds like 'washington') u. customs: correct. what are you doing in the u. deng xiaoping thinks they are asking for his first name. he replies 小平 (xiǎo píng)","(sounds like 'shopping')" +"A traditional. French omelette only has one egg. I thought it was strange, that all omelettes are so small, but in","France they say that one egg is un oeuf." +"Vegans think that butchers are gross","But I think sellers of Fruit and Vegetables are Grocer" +"Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”…","We’re a cover band." +"Why do male gypsies walk funny","They have crystal balls" +"I used to work in a shoe recycling shop","It was sole destroying." +"To reduce waste, our city has told food truck drivers they must donate all unsold items each night. I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask","How much food would a good truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food" +"Introduce yourself at parties by yelling out, “Fat Penguin","” I heard that usually breaks the ice" +"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom","Because the P is silent" +"Making Dinner My wife is making lasagne and was about to put it into the oven. Her (to my son): Say goodbye to the lasagne overkill_jnr","Me: Say Pasta la Vista This got a hi 5 from my boy and a dirty look from the missus" +"What's the best way to eat enchiladas. Inch by inch. - From my 6 year old son","I'm quite proud" +"Whats the difference between people who live in Dubai and people who live in Abu Dabi","People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones, whereas people from Abu Dabi do" +"What do you get if there's an explosion in your kitchen","Linoleum BlownApart" +"What’s the warmest part of a house","The corner because it’s always 90 degrees" +"Why did the vulture get charged extra on the airplane","He had an excessive amount of carrion luggage" +"What does this joke and a blunt pencil have in common","There is no point" +"What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your door step","Matt" +"Why was the lawyer broke","She kept giving away free trials" +"There is a gardening show coming to my town. When. I found out. I got so excited","I wet my plants" +"I got my wife tonight Me: Have you seen the cap to the green bottle. Her: Off the top of my head","Me: No, the cap off of the bottle" +"Did you hear about the Tesla on auto-pilot that tried to run over a cop","It was charged with battery" +"I poisoned my enemies herbs","Guess it was his thyme to go" +"I googled missing medieval servant today. It came back,","Error 404 page not found" +"I have never met a computer scientist who is a perfectionist","Theyre typically okay with a C++" +"I saw some shower gel in the supermarket. I thought, How pointless is that","Showers don't even have hair" +"Where did Noah keep his bees","In the ark hives" +"Dad jokes are low hanging fruit and here's why","Why" +"Why did the astronaut refuse to fly home to visit his girlfriend","He needed more space" +"While visiting the museum, I saw my ex girlfriend standing across the hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello","There was just too much history between us" +"3 Men walk into a bar","The 4th one ducks" +"bees why do bees hum","&#x200B; because they don't know the words" +"No mistake,. God created blowholes","On porpoise" +"The inspiration of all my dad jokes https://www. youtube. com/watch","v=o2P1H1orxXY" +"I heard someone stole a. Shaggy. CD from the mall","Wasn't me" +"Fact of the day: alligators can grow up to 15 feet","But most usually have 4" +"Do you know how many donkeys there are in NYC","Five burros" +"What do you call a reptile that is good at math","A Calcugator" +"I spend all my Sunday mornings sitting on my couch and watching F1, which drives my wife crazy","She says, “Why are you staring at your keyboard for hours" +"My girlfriend couldn't remember a pastry pun she heard at work","I told her there was no fate cruller" +"Small babies are delivered by a stork","For larger babies they use a crane" +"Beans. A group of beans were traveling around France","They ended up in Cannes" +"What do you call a deer with no eyes","No eye-deer" +"How can my feet smell","If they don't have a nose?" +"Why does everybody hate averages","Because they're mean" +"Dad, where do babies come from. I don't know, son","Ask the mailman" +"I wear a jacket with no sleeves when I'm serious about what I'm doing","That way you know I'm in-vest-ed" +"Why is it good to go to your friend's birthday party","It's good to give them your presence" +"Damn it, my son got me. We were talking about roots and word origins, when he asked me about plurals. I had used octopus as an example and explained the plural is octopuses because it has Greek roots and cactus was cacti or cactus because it had both Latin and Greek roots. He looks me square in the eyes and says I thought it had Cactus roots","I'm so proud" +"What did the cowboy say when he went into the car showroom in Germany","Audi partner" +"What does a house wear","Address" +"Tried to drop a pirate joke on Dad's birthday My family and I were celebrating my dad's 60th birthday today, when I thought of a joke that I had seen on reddit a few days ago. Hey dad what did the pirate say when he turned 80. what. AYE MATEY","(✌ﾟ∀ﾟ)☞ at this point, I thought i was pretty clever, until- Oh saltycookie123, your silly pirate jokes are kraken me up XD" +"Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil worshipper","He sold his soul to Santa" +"What do you call a garden gnome that migrates to the city","A metrognome" +"Which type of monkey can fly","A hot air baboon" +"Me: Hey dad did you get a haircut","Dad: No, I got them all cut" +"What do birds eat on Cinco de Mayo","squackamole" +"I misplaced two dice yesterday. Pair","O' dice lost" +"Batman The Batmobile won't start. Batman - Check the battery","Robin - What's a Tery" +"Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton","Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus" +"Microsoft reeeeally missed an opportunity when they didn't call their antivirus Windows Cleaner","just sayin" +"My math teacher said that I'm a terrible student How mean. If I had to sum it up, I would say that’s not the best mode to say that to me. Maybe they should try to factor in the student’s feelings when telling them they need to tell them they need to fix their grade","I told them to factor that in next time, but they just couldn’t see my logic" +"Did you hear about the butcher who backed into a meat grinder","He got a little behind in his work" +"Just met Henry Winkler. He asked me for $20 and said if I get three people to give me $20, I'll make my money back and then some","Sounds like a typical Fonzie Scheme" +"- Dad, is it true that you can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it","- Yeah, I saw it with my own eyes" +"My therapist says I’m paranoid","Well he didn’t say it, but I know he was thinking it" +"I was just offered a job at Baskin Robbins","But I turned it down because I dont like to work on sundaes" +"No one should be surprised that President Trump wants to make a Space Force He's told us all along that he wants to protect the U","S from illegal aliens" +"What do you call a melon that is unable to run off and get married","A cantaloupe" +"So, I came out to my father earlier. I decided it was about time my dad knew the truth about my sexuality. I approached him at the dinner table, and came right out and said it. Dad, I'm bisexual. That's who I am and- My dad raised his hand to shut me up. He wiped his mouth with his napkin, grinned, and muttered Hi bisexual, I'm Dad","Nobody could stop groaning loud enough to keep eating dinner" +"Why did I get mad at U","Irritable Vowel Syndrome" +"I was auditioning for this new movie about knives","I didn't cut it" +"United. Airlines","What a drag." +"What did the German bread say at breakfast","Gluten morgen" +"What do you call a haiku of poor quality","it is a low-ku" +"They grow up so fast http://imgur","com/gallery/rqfpm" +"i'm laughing so hard I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss","  I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship" +"Wanna hear a good knock knock joke. Sure Okay you start Knock knock Who's there *realisation* I've gotten too many people with this","Spread it" +"How does prisoners communicate","Using cell-phones" +"I hate being bipolar","It's fantastic" +"What's the difference between a cat and a compound sentence","One has claws at the end of its paws; the other has a pause at the end of its clause" +"More Dogs can’t read an X-ray or MRI","But catscan" +"What's a retina's favourite name","Iris" +"I tried eating my watch today","It was very time consuming" +"Son: Whoa. That's a lot of ants. Dad: Are you sure they're all ants","There's no uncles in there" +"What do you call a line in finland","A finish line" +"What is it called when Trump pulls the U. out of NATO and allies with Russia","Alternative pacts" +"Why does Norway put bar codes on their ships","So they can Scandinavian" +"Do you know why the horse stalls at a racetrack are labelled A, B, D, E, and F","Because no one would bet on a seahorse" +"House MD (Dad of Medicine) Patient: I don't wanna hear semantics House: You anti-semantic bastard","I grinned, girlfriend groaned" +"I hear culinary school's final exam is really easy. The test is a piece of cake",":)" +"What do you call a group of dads doing the mannequin challenge","Ice Pops" +"Does it count if I dadjoked myself. I heard Fancy on the radio somewhere around 15 times while driving around doing errands today. Even if you like a song that's annoying. Fancy comes on yet again. Oh Lord I say out loud. To which my brain responds: No, not Lorde. Iggy Azalea. I facepalmed","I'm a 24 year old female" +"I have a friend with five legs","His pants fit like a glove" +"What time do Elves usually meet. Around Twelvish I'm ashamed to say that this is OC","Thought you guys might enjoy it, though" +"Where does the President keep his armies","in his sleevies" +"One of the hoses was imported from Mexico. I grow bonsai trees. Somewhere between 50-70 of them. My Dad was visiting the garden and asked how I watered them. I said I used two hoses, but one of them was Spanish. He asked How can you tell","I replied, Well, there's Hose B and Hose A" +"My 4 Year Old is Working on Her Material. Her - Knock knock. Me - Who's there. Her - Hungry. Me - Hungry who","Her - Hi hungry, I'm dad" +"Everyone told. Sam not to sing, but","Samsung anyway." +"My best friend's dad everyone. Dad: I'm thinking of redoing the floor in the living room. Me: That's a lot of hard work. Dad: No, it's hardwood","*grins and exits the room*" +"My wife got me an inverted bed for my birthday","It really turned my life around" +"How do you catch a magpie","With a magnet" +"My 5yo blew us away with this original that he came up with all on his own. What do you call two ice dragons. Twice dragons. Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day. Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use “Wreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internet” and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) he’s been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since","A million thankyou‘s for the kind words and awards" +"Why does everybody like Mr. Mushroom","Because he's a fun guy" +"Daughter: Boys who can pull off facial hair are hot","Dad: I think you are supposed to use a razor" +"So my dad and I recently found out that the Daughter of Joseph Stalin lived nearby to us when my family moved in. My dad suggested that we should have gone up to the house, climbed the steps, knocked on the door and asked: Hello, is Stalin","It still makes me sigh with disbelief that I never saw it coming" +"I didn’t believe your mother was human until. I married her","She had to pass the two-ring test." +"Never challenge death to a pillow fight","Unless you're prepared to face the reaper cushions." +"I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes","I watched it all unfold" +"Getting out of the family business My father and I were in a gas station full of people. He decides to buy a power ball ticket and I attempt to embarrass him. Me: You know, if you win the power ball we will be able to finally get out of the family business of being poor. Father: Get out of it. The hell with that, we will sell it. See, ideas like that are why we are still poor","Witty old bastard" +"What does a stuck german need","A helping hans" +"Why did the deer get braces","Because he had buck teeth" +"What is it called when you kill your best friend","Homicide" +"If you are served a hamburger while you are flying","Would it be regarded as a plane burger?" +"I told my husband I have 360 Twitter followers","He told me I've really come full circle on that" +"I had my front door replaced with a door entirely made out of chocolate with a ganache handle and caramel accents","Don't knock it until you've tried it" +"Girlfriend got me a dad joke pillow. https://i. imgur. com/Mit733g","jpg We are long distance so she bought me this as her default reaction face" +"I tried playing golf once","but I couldn't figure out how to make the ball hold on the tea without sinking" +"What do you do if you see a space man. Park your car in it man","(I’m very sorry)" +"Whatdya call someone drowning in mayonnaise","Sinko de mayo" +"My neighbors always listen to great music","Whether they like it or not" +"Someone told me my clothes were gay","I said, Yea, they came out of the closet this morning" +"How does Batboy become Batman","He has a Bat-Mitzvah" +"How many ears does Captain Kirk have","Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier" +"At school they used to call me The Elephant Man","I like to think it's because I had a good memory" +"Son got his mom over dinner preparation Tonight at dinner, she looked at our 13 year old and said We should make buns for Thanksgiving He paused for just a second, then responded So, that would be mother-son bunding time","She sighed" +"Why was Kylo Ren always so pale. He never could catch any Reys","A Star Wars themed dad joke for the holiday" +"This thing makes bees shrink","You could say it's quite belittling." +"Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia","Man: Wait, I can explain everything" +"What lays at the bottom of the sea and shakes","A nervous wreck" +"Do you have a reservation. Peering into the dining area Nope, it looks like an alright place. Wish I could say I witnessed this one, or better yet said it. However it was my father's good friend who said this to a host when asked at an upscale restaurant if he had a reservation","Though not the typical cringe worthy dad joke, I would like to still think it fits in" +"We were making home made soup the other night. And I snuck into the kitchen to take [this picture](http://imgur. com/eO5pdRD) for the sole purpose of taking it back to my girlfriend to say with an exasperated sigh, Ugh, would you just *look* at this stock photo. She hated me for the rest of the night as I sat there giggling like a madman, way too pleased that she didn't figure it out before I showed it to her","When I told my dad, it entirely derailed his train of thought as he started laughing" +"I'm going to start a store that provides rapid clothing alterations. I'll call it Tailor","Swift" +"Why doesn’t KFC have any toilet paper","Because it’s finger licking good" +"A dad joke for the holidays. I was munching down on chocolate from my advent calendar, having forgotten to eat the previous couple day's pieces. My mom notices and says: Is this your way of saying youre too old for advent calendars. (I'm eighteen) No, Im just bad with dates. My dad speaks up: Is that why youre single","Then laughs together with my mom" +"While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine","She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday" +"William Shatner has discontinued his line i3f women's clothes","Shatner panties just didn't sell that well" +"What does the baby spider want to be when he grows up","A web developer" +"Made this one up on the fly Came out of Starbucks with my daughter and asked, I just bought a frozen chai, but they couldn't get it out of the blender. You know why. Her: No, what happened. Because it was really, really chai. Her: Jeez, Dad. That was bad, even by your standards. I love my girl","And it's her real-life cakeday" +"I was attacked by 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9","The odds were against me" +"What fruit is still waiting for the right to marry","The Can't-Elope" +"How do you find Will Smith after a blizzard","Follow the Fresh Prints" +"Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates","The prose outweighs the cons" +"What type of pasta cheats to win an award for its Broadway musical","Rigatoni" +"I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared","I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen" +"The Times Square event organizers have a big night ahead of them","Hope they don't drop the ball" +"I just complimented my girlfriend *short conversation about me swinging by and spending tomorrow with her* Me: should I bring anything. Her: No. Why","Me: I dunno, I was trying to keep the conversation going, because I'm kind of a fan of you Her: aw Her: sorry, I suck at being sappy Me :luckily for you, I'm a tree Edit: formatting" +"Dad joked my friend on holiday. We're looking for hostels in Budapest on the Internet, and she says Don't know where to stay. Do you know what the centre of Budapest is. I replied It's 'ap'","She ignored me" +"Who's the hoe","Idaho" +"What do you call a Sikh with one leg","Balan Singh" +"Burkhas are great","If you change wives, you can still keep the same photo on your desk" +"This is why only dads make dadjokes [Single guys don't make dadjokes for a reason. ](http://explosm","net/comics/4436/)" +"At school I had a teacher called Mr","Turtle He tortoise" +"So my friend David lost his ID","now we just call him Dave" +"Why was the fish kicked from the Salmon group","'Cause he was being pretty shellfish" +"First Snow http://i. imgur. com/ghyvTxO","jpg" +"I use this one whenever I can. Wife: What would you like for dinner. Me: Don't bother cooking. I'll just make a shin sandwich. Daughter: Shin sandwich. Me: Yeah. You know","Below-knee" +"Made this one whilst clothes shopping I've been buying too many clothes that were too small","I guess you could say I've been buying them in XS" +"What do you call someone with no body and no nose","Nobody knows" +"Dadjoked my friend at a Mexican restaurant After class today my friend and I went to a local Mexican restaurant and we both ordered burritos. Both of us love spicy food and usually cover anything we are eating in hot sauce. Her: I don't know what my life would be like if hot sauce didn't exist","Me: I'd say it'd be pretty mild Her: *chokes on food*" +"Which soft rock legend stole my password","Kenny Log-ins" +"What do you call a guy with no body and no nose","Nobody nose" +"Why are bananas delicious","Because they're full of potassiyum" +"Ever dated a vacuum","It sucks" +"Whenever I ask my dad for something","Me: (while watching tv) Can I have [blah blah] Dad: Son I'm so poor I can't even pay attention" +"My dad got my mum and me. We were watching the Olympic shooting, when my mum says that a guy at the school she teaches at shoots internationally for Wales","Dad: Well that's not too impressive, they're pretty big targets" +"I was cooking with my mexican dad","And i was asking for the things i needed in spanish and when i said sal muy dad just got out of the kitchen" +"A Dad joke planted as a seed, which took 17 years to flower. Not quite as tragic, but it manifested into something which has haunted me at my job for years. When I was a little kid learning about the world around me, my dad was naturally the font of all knowledge for me, He would answer all of little snippersmith's questions with his own unique insights and anecdotes teaching me of my surroundings with varying degrees of accuracy. One day In a picture book, I encountered a photo of one of natures most bizarre creatures, the mighty duck billed platypus. Filled with curiosity of this bizarre creature and an Inability to read a young snippersmith asked his father what this creature was called, To which his father replied, That's a Quackopotamous. As is a highly likely situation in day to day life the Platypus (or indeed the Quackopotamous), did not come into conversation for another 17 years, Until of course the Platypus came into conversation around the lunch table at a now grown up snippersmith's full time place of work. I have not been allowed to forget I thought the Platypus was called a Quackopotamous, Indeed I am reminded on a daily basis by my colleagues, by my nickname Quackopotamous . Thanks Dad. EDIT 1: Holy Cow this took off. Gold","thank you so much" +"Son: what's that in the beer glass on the mantle. Me: well, that's your uncle Frank that's where he wanted his remains. It was his favourite beer stein. He always said it would be funny, never got why. Son: maybe it's so he could be a frank in stein","Me: Dammit Frank" +"Passed some goats on the way home from taking my daughters fishing. Oldest: Aww, a baby. Me: Really","You've goat to be kidding me" +"What do you call the act of stealing Ancient Egyptian scrolls on the high seas","Pa-piracy" +"I asked my wife how she liked my new facial hair","I told her it's definitely growing on me" +"Who was the roundest knight on the round table","Sir Cumference" +"Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine. But personally","I think shredded is grater" +"Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own No. 5 perfume","They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law" +"My father offered to pay for a trip to any city in. France","Nice, don't you think?" +"Did anyone ever hear about the lonely preacher who invited women to his birthday party","Nun showed up" +"What’s Canada’s favorite board game","Sorry" +"My girlfriend was telling me she caught a drum stick from her favorite drummer the other night","I'm not sure why bands are throwing chicken at people nowadays, but I guess at least fans won't go hungry" +"2 is a very unique number","It became prime against all odds." +"To be. Frank. Oh wait","I already am" +"I lost my job as a waiter when I served one of the customers his food","On the downside, I got chicken all over my tennis racket" +"I didn't even find this one funny. Talking to my dad about a coworker. Me: Yeah I can't really understand him cuz his accent is so heavy Dad: How much would you say it weighs","He starts cracking up as I just leave the room" +"What do you call a kinky dinosaur","A Doyouhaveasoreass" +"Did I tell you about anti-gravity book I'm reading","I can't put it down" +"I thought I heard my Dad talking to himself. Hey Dad, are you talking to yourself. Well, I thought I was but I guess I wasn't now was I.","I had a pretty good chuckle" +"What noise does a speeding duck make","Quick" +"Why should you invest in the US Mint","It's the only thing that makes cents" +"Got this gem from my dad this morning","If I take the last in the box of Corn Flakes and finish off the rest of the Corn Pops in one meal, does that make me a cereal killer" +"My dad used to be in an 80's band called Prevention","He says they were far better than The Cure" +"I went into a watchmaker's today and asked for a potato clock. 'What's a potato clock. ' said the watchmaker","'I don't know either', I replied, 'but I start a new job on Monday and in the interview my new boss said that I start at 9am and that I'd better get a potato clock" +"Where do cold ants live","Antarctica" +"I couldn’t open my champagne last night. Until. I used","Brut force" +"Restroom As my mom was headed towards the restroom my dad asks hey is your mom gonna go have a seat in the room and rest a bit","Then he starts walking over and says I'm gonna go pee, are you gonna go q laughing to himself" +"How do you find Will Smith in the snow","You look for the fresh prints" +"I just dadjoked my wife. Wife: (looking in the cabinets for something, then finding it) Where is. okay. Me: Right above Texas",":D" +"What type of computer sings","A dell" +"If you don't know how cameras work","you need to look into it" +"My dad didn't believe me that I hadn't pooped in a week","He said, You're full of shit" +"What do you call a male massage therapist who hates women","A massagenist" +"Two doctors are out hiking and the first one trips and cuts his knee pretty badly on a rock. The second doctor says, That looks pretty bad. Want me to stitch that up for you. The first doctor says, Nah, I got it","The second doctor responds, Suture self" +"How do you clean your hands at the North Pole","You use hand Santa-tizer" +"My son said Jim Morrison was overrated","I yelled at him for slamming the doors" +"This is the most downright offensive thing I've ever seen http://i. imgur. com/HiikZ78","jpg" +"Every balloon store i go to tells me that my balloons are just going to fly away and i’m sick of it","I just want a regular balloon, no strings attached" +"At a steakhouse for grandpa's 93rd birthday yesterday, the waiter brings a basket of rolls for the table","I asked if we could get some for the humans too." +"What's made of cells but not alive","A spreadsheet" +"Dad got me watching tv We were watching a show that introduced a concept car based on the shape of a fish's body. They mentioned the car got great gas mileage","Dad: It's extra e-fish-ent" +"Did you hear about the award they give out to people who only use suspenders to keep their pants up","It's called the No-belt Prize" +"At first. I wasn't sure where. I wanted to eat my cereal but now","I'm thinking outside the box." +"I saved this dad joke for 30 years for just the right moment. I think I invented this joke when I was around 15, but I'm sure others have as well since it's not too subtle. The key, though, was that I waited for just the right moment to use it for the first time. I had an ear infection, so I went to the doctor, who took a look and quickly diagnosed it and wrote a prescription and handed it to me. > Doctor: It's just an ear infection, so 4 drops of this daily should clear it right up. > Me: _[Reading the prescription, and seeing the name of the antibiotic, but I may be wrong about the name, so if anyone knows the right name, please reply. ]_ _[Completely seriously. ]_ Oraline. So, I put the drops in my mouth. > Doctor: _[Quizzically. ]_ No, no, no, you put it in your ear. > Me: Oh, I read the name, and Oraline sounds like something you'd take orally. > Doctor: Nope, in the ear. > Me: _[Remembering my dad joke. ]_ It's a good thing that you didn't prescribe me analgesics. The doctor had no reaction, just said their deadpan goodbye and left","I've wondered if they didn't get it, didn't think it was funny, or had heard it hundreds of times before" +"Sad news: My obese parrot has died","Luckily, it’s a huge weight off my shoulders" +"What do you call dried ejaculate","Sement" +"Where do naughty rainbows go","Prism" +"Deep fried Mars bar I got some fish and chips and a deep fried mars bar with my girlfriend and afterwards she was critiquing the deep fried mars bar. **Girlfriend:** It was pretty good, but the batter was too thick. There was too much before you got to the melted mars bar **Me:** So. you're saying that it could have been batter","I didn't look at her, but I could tell she was glaring at me" +"Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan","Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there" +"What do you call a Cuban dictator with a tummy bug","Fidel Gastro" +"Is your refrigerator running","Because I might vote for it" +"In other news, today a military arborist was tried and hanged","for committing treason" +"Arson Arson's completely out of control","wish we had a daughter instead" +"When does a joke become a dad joke","When it becomes apparent" +"What’s the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman","You can unscrew a lightbulb" +"Who is the second coolest man in hospital","The hip replacement guy" +"What is a house in if it is always trying to be the same inside","The process of HOMEostasis" +"My friends say I have a real gambling problem","I bet them I could go longer than them without gambling" +"I tried to change my reddit password to beefstew, but. I couldn't","It wasn't stroganoff" +"My dad just threw this one out. Why don't crayfish share","Because they're shellfish" +"Did you hear about the Italian chef that died","He pasta way" +"A snail went to a car dealership and bought the flashiest, fasted, most eye-catching car they had. The snail then special ordered “S”s to be printed all over the car","The salesman asked why all the “S”s, the snail replied: When people watch me drive by they’ll say “Look at that S-car-go” (A joke my dad told me many many years ago)" +"Did you hear about the new math book regarding combining infinities","It's a new addition" +"My car's transmission is shot. The reverse doesn't work","Dad: I guess there's no going back then" +"Sbarro pizza company charged with violating state COVID executive order They are expected to make an appearance in Food Court next week. Good evening","I'll see my self out" +"A pun walks into a bar and kills ten people. A news reporter comes to the scene and summarizes it in four words","Pun in, ten dead" +"No wrong way to god My dad and I are always on serious terms and we barley joke around","The other day we were driving into the church parking lot and he went in the wrong way, to his attention I say dad you just entered the wrong way to which he replied there is no wrong way to god I've never smiled so hard with him" +"Best yet Me- have you ever heard of Slader. com Husband-no Me- it has the answers for almost every math book made, and it shows the work for the lazy people. Husband- Well I guess they should call it Ashly Mathison Me- . Husband- ya know","cause they cheat" +"Can February march","No, but April may" +"What do you call an alligator from the stock market. An investigator","(A retouch on an old joke)" +"Dad jokes a criminal My dad is a police officer and I was on a ride-along with him. He and his partner arrested a guy for shoplifting. As the perp, whose name is Unique, is sitting in the back of the car, my dad walks up, looks at me smiling, and says to the suspect how do you catch a unique criminal. Unique up on em","He and his partner laughed and high-fived, then just shut the door" +"What's your favorite song from Tesla/Edison. Tesla/Edison is that a band","-Yeah AC/DC" +"I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night","It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea" +"TIL: If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head","Because it is capsized" +"What does a tsundere weeaboo say to a. Star. Wars fan","Chu~ baka" +"I bought my son a locket today I clipped a picture of him and put it inside","I told him how proud I am because from this day forward he is independent" +"When we were leaving the maternity ward the baby pooped himself and the wife said to go in and change him","So I went inside, put him down, took one of the clean babies, and left" +"I just watched a documentary on beavers. It was the best damn program","I've seen." +"Dad: Have you seen the movie constipation. Son: No","Dad: That’s because it hasn’t come out yet" +"I put ketchup in my eyes today","In Heinzsight, it was a bad idea" +"The local seniors care home rejected my offer to speak to residents about the advantages of being young in far-eastern countries","apparently it is not appropriate to talk to residents about the benefits of youth in asia" +"Girlfriend lost her phone and I couldn't resist. Gf: Will you call my phone. Me: *Solid eye contact*","PHOOOOONE" +"My grandpa's favorite dad joke. My grandpa loves to throw this one out to screw with kids' heads, and it manages to work every single time. Grandpa: How do you get down from an elephant. Unsuspecting victim rattles off a bunch of logical, expected answers confusedly, as Grandpa refutes each one. Finally, desperation kicks in. How. You can't get down from an elephant","Elephants don't have feathers" +"What do you call a potato that had too much pot","A baked potato" +"I've got nothing left","That's all right" +"I dad-joked my son today. Son is watching YouTube video. Shows video gameplay where a table fan jumps up and scares the player. Me: Is that actually in the real game. Son: No. Me: So I guess that video was","FAN MADE" +"You can't change the weather in the tree","But you can climate" +"For sale - tic tac, partially eaten","Still in mint condition" +"What do you call a fake noodle","An impasta" +"What volcano has caused the most foot injuries","Krakatoa" +"Me:. Dad,. Mum,. I’m gay. Dad: *clenches fists*. Mum:. Sweetie no do-. Dad:. HI. GAY,. IM","DAD!" +"A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says Hey, we've got a drink named after you","The screwdriver replies, Really, you've got a drink named Harold" +"What do you call someone who points out the obvious","Someone who points out the obvious" +"Wife: The kids are super excited about that new fishing game Me: Yep - they’ve become quite the a-fish-ionados Wife: Ha","(Groan)" +"A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires","He was charged with shoplifting on two counts" +"One from my wife. We got a new car and I needed some info for the insurance company. Me: What does the odometer read","Her: Mostly miles, but it prefers the New Yorker for the comics" +"I need help with my sewing","Oops, wrong thread." +"I asked my friend. Sam to sing a song about iPhone. And then","Samsung" +"I do have my own private jet","But my mum still owns the rest of the jacuzzi." +"Why wife told me. I had an addiction to drinking brake fluids. But. I told her. I can stop anytime","I want" +"I dad joked my manager. I work at a pet store and our order of reptiles came in. Me: I soaked the new guys and put em in there habitats. Manager: how are they looking. Me: Good but there's something about the new chameleon. he might be a problem Manager: Whats wrong with him. Me: I don't trust him, he's got shifty eyes Manager: Oh god, go get ready for the cricket shipment please","Edit: wall of text" +"How do ethics professors greet each other","What's good" +"How many seconds are in a year","12 January 2nd, February 2nd and so on" +"Why couldn't the bike standup by itself","It was two tired" +"My girlfriend sometimes complains of a lazy eye I said to her friends at a party this weekend it's so lazy it even qualifies to collect unemployment","All I got were blank stares" +"Bro, you want this pamphlet","Brochure" +"When my friend was tired of farming apples, but was too afraid that his business would fail if he cultivated anything else,","I told him, Grow a pear." +"A screwdriver walks into a bar. Bartender says Hey you know we got a drink named after you","Screwdriver says You got a drink named Bob" +"What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend","M'laria" +"My wife started a new job reading tarot cards","She's making a fortune" +"What is the trailer park capital of the US","Mobile, Alabama" +"I asked my dad what the number one reason was that couples get divorced","He replied “Marriage.”" +"What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle","Attire" +"Why is Kim Jong-un's library so big","Because he is supreme reader" +"A friend tried to explain music to me by playing three notes","It only struck a minor chord with me, I'm afraid" +"Did you hear about the T-Rex in outer space","They said he was an extra t-rextrial" +"Some people think that boomboxes are really old school","I think it's just a stereotype" +"How did the farmer find his daughter","Tractor" +"It took me 5 minutes to come up with this joke but it takes 35 minutes for someone else to come up with this joke","The difference is reposting" +"What did the Canadian horse say to its nagging friend","Don't be an eh sayer" +"Why did Greedo love working for Jabba the Hutt","Because he gave him a Han job" +"If you're in Britain. And you have bloody diarrhea, is it still dysentery","Or just bloody diarrhea" +"What's the worst part about paying to send a feline into space","It's a catastrophe" +"I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked if I could take two, he said no","I said, “Can I at least Taekwondo" +"My sister bet me £50 that. I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when","I drove pasta..." +"two satellites decided to get married","The wedding sucked but the reception was incredible" +"My friend asked me if he was hot","I told him, “Luke, your only warm.”" +"At 23:59 31","2015 I raised my left foot off the ground Just to be sure I start 2016 on the right foot" +"I once saw a man squatting behind a grave. “Morning. ” I said","“No, just having a shit” he said" +"Dad, do you know what CTST is","An acronym" +"Did you hear about this social media personality that went viral","to be more specific, it was influenza" +"What's E. short for","Because he's got small legs" +"Texting with dad today. Dad: Your cousin is pregnant. Due in December. Me: Whoa. Dad: Too late for Whoa","It's giddy-up from here on out" +"How many birds does it take to change a lightbulb","Ideally three, but toucan" +"Dad joke at the dinner table. So we were sat at the table with a Sunday roast and we were on the subject of meats. My Mum asks what's the difference between sirloin and rump","My Dad comes back with one's been knighted" +"Why dont imperials (skyrim) have many friends","Because they live in solitude" +"Why should you never date a tennis player","Because love means nothing to them" +"Why is my daughter engaged to someone from Finland","Because nice Finnish guys last" +"What kind of paper likes music","Rapping paper" +"A bit of advice for whoever wrote the open letter to /r/dadjokes yesterday","Advi" +"What do mathematicians do in their cars","They DERIVE" +"Why did the blind man fall down the well","He couldn't see that well" +"What sound does a basketball made of cheese make when you shoot it","Swiss" +"Why did the sommelier hire a photographer as an assistant","He needed help with port traits" +"Just found out my daughter is a serial killer","Frosted oaks specifically" +"My dad just told me a bowling joke. He's gonna go far with this one. Here's the joke: Dad: What's the highest score you can get in bowling. Me: 300 Dad: Did you know I once got a 301. Me: How's that possible","Dad: Well have you ever seen someone get a three-hundred-and-lose" +"Want to hear a joke about sodium hypobromite","NaBrO" +"One of my dad's favorite facts","Did you know there are people dying today who have never died before" +"Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide","Because it’s too cold out tide" +"My coworker keep talking about food too close to lunch","I said, quit tossing hangrynades" +"I had a new theory about buckets","Unfortunately, it didn't hold water" +"Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself","It was two tired" +"My 3 year old asked her mum if her 8 month old brother was allowed to eat his toy drum. She said it was fine. I said won't there be repercussions","Got an eye roll followed by a laugh" +"Why don't pâtissiers buy cigarettes","Because they profiterole their own" +"What did one ocean say to the other ocean","Nothing, they just waved" +"In order for Santa to find all the naughty children","He had to form a coalition" +"Why do Norwegian battleships have barcodes","So that they can Scandinavian" +"Sister: Can you make me a bagel. Dad: Poof","You're a bagel" +"Why did the scarecrow get promoted","He was outstanding in his field" +"Justice is Served. I secretly want to buy one of [these](https://www. walmart. com/ip/Batman-Candy-Bowl-Halloween-Decoration/44886246) and fill it up with ice for halloween. So when the kids come up and ask what's this","I can say It's Batman handing out Just-Ice" +"My mom is actually a dad. My mom is disabled and we have to bathe her on a regular basis so today after we'd cleaned her up I asked: Me: So how do you feel. Like a million dollars","Mom: Yeah, green and wrinkled" +"What did Batman say to Robin just before they got in the Batmobile","Robin, get in the Batmobile" +"Was so bad it took me a few seconds to get Me doing a school assignment on the search for extraterrestrial life Dad: Why are you doing a project on Martians","Me: They're not Martians but they might be Kepler 22b'ns Dad: Any relation to baked beans" +"As a reddit user of two years, I would like to share a couple of my favourites with you. [My favourite post](https://imgur. com/yCUxvYh. jpg) [My favorite sub](https://imgur. com/zqUERHv","jpg)" +"I can melt an ice cube using the power of my mind","It takes quite a while though." +"My son asked me who my favourite kid was","Apparently our neighbours kid is the wrong answer" +"Keanu. Reeves:. Chokes me","Me: you’re breathtaking" +"A guy broke into my garage and stole my limbo pole last night","Seriously, how low can you go" +"Got my son on this one yesterday. He was listening to imagine dragons. Me: Do they ever play this band on the radio. son: of course its imagine dragons. me: so they are active on the radio","son: looks at me for a second, oh jeez me: so they are radio-active" +"What are frozen Band-Aids used for","Cold cuts" +"My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction","So I packed up my stuff and right" +"My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn","I said, “about 20 drachmas a day" +"The Gluteus Maximus is the largest muscle of the body","In other words, it's a huge ass muscle" +"I told a girl she drew her eyebrows too high","She looked surprised" +"Everyone loves our friend Nate","Even my dyslexic friend thinks he’s neat" +"A book just fell on my head","I only have my shelf to blame" +"A Rabbi walks into an elevator. A Rabbi walks into an elevator with a guy in it already. The guy asks the Rabbi what he’s doing there, in which the Rabbi replies, “I’m here for a Bris (circumcision). ” The guy then asks, “How much do you make doing that. ” The Rabbi says, “I don’t do it for the money","I just do it for the tip" +"To be frank,","I've got to change my name" +"Saw a bird eating avocado toast","It was a millenial falcon" +"TIL any joke can be an erection joke. If you think hard enough","( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)" +"What did the duck smoke","Quack Cocaine" +"My mum got me with it but still a dad joke Was driving past a big cemetery when I was younger","Mum: you know all the people living next to it can't be buried there Me: why not Mum: because they aren't dead yet" +"I really owe a lot to sidewalks","They've been keeping me off the streets for years" +"What's the difference between a dirty old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants","One is a crusty bus station the other one is a busty crustacean" +"Dad goes: Have you heard the band 999 megabytes. No","They're looking for a gig" +"If. Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion","They would call it crucifact." +"Two parrots are sitting on a perch","One turns to the other and asks, do you smell fish" +"I feel so bad for my calendar","Its days are numbered :(" +"What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink","WATAAAAA" +"So my dad turns 42 today. He's the meaning of life now. Well technically he always has been","I wouldn't exist without him" +"With this blizzard we're having","Edward isn't the only one who's *Snowden*" +"Would you like me to make you an egg","No, I'd rather you left me a human being" +"Why do Norway's naval ships have barcodes printed on their sides","So they can Scandinavian" +"My Father in Law, ladies and gentlemen. Just saw this comment he made on Facebook. http://i. imgur. com/I8k3ngT","jpg" +"I was trying to make some jokes about lazy employees. But","I don't think they'll work." +"What did Austin Powers say to the angry bee","oh beehave" +"A termite walks into a bar","And asks is the bartender here?" +"What does a house wear","Address" +"My dad at his finest In Fry Electronics and this guy starts telling my dad about how he should look at some product and he goes That's AMAZING. One day, they'll put movies on discs or something, just think of the possibilities the guy goes DUDE. THEY HAVE THOSE","rushes him over to the dvd section" +"I don't have a dad bod","I have a father figure." +"A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you","Pop, goes the weasel" +"Which is the best relative to take to the club","Aunts aunts aunts aunts aunts aunts" +"What do you call a. Naval. Dog. A","Sub-Woofer" +"Why do tigers have stripes","So they don't get spotted." +"Where do coyotes go when they need some urgent money","To the lone wolf" +"So you know those doors that lead out of buildings. They used to be called its, but people stopped calling them that","So now they are called Ex-its [Exits]" +"He orders a drink","Time traveler walks into a bar" +"Four guys are in a boat and each has a cigarette. There are 3 matches. What do they do","One guy throws his cigarette overboard and makes the boat a cigarette lighter" +"What do Canadians say when they see a large amount of coffee","That’s a lot, eh" +"Why do the French only have a single egg at breakfast","Because one egg is an oeuf" +"What do you call it when a traveling student is checking out a girl in another country","Studying a broad" +"Did you hear about the scarecrow that got promoted","He was outstanding in his field" +"How do you call a Japanese student that skips classes","Nontendo" +"Friend doesn't have any kids yet, but this was amazingly Dad . Him: Knock knock. Me: Who's there. Him: The Alamo. Me: The Alamo who","Him: *whining* You said you'd rememberrrr" +"All the paper towels in my house went missing","I think I need to hire a Bounty hunter" +"How do you make holy water","Boil the hell out of it" +"What is Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination","Haaaaaaaaaaand eeeeeeeeeyyyyyyeeeee" +"I saw a sign saying “Keep children under supervision at all times” and it made me realise","my parenting days were over as I only had normal vision" +"My neighbor moved away after her husband died. Poor woman","the last few years of her life will be spent in Missouri" +"Whats the difference between an apple and an orphan","Apples get picked" +"I once had a very serious relationship a midget","I was just nuts over her" +"My wife said she never saw the appeal of Russian nesting dolls","I told her it's what's on the inside that counts" +"Asked my daughter who she would be if. My daughter let's out a big yawn: Me: Who would you be if you were in a room, by yourself and yawned. Her: Huh. Me: Yawn Solo. Oh the look I got from her and my wife. They just don't understand why I'm still giggling 3 hours later","Yawn Solo" +"My step-father just became an underwater search and rescue officer, posted this on Facebook: [Image](http://i. imgur. com/0iW2yjT","jpg)" +"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon","Great food, no atmosphere" +"What do you call a cold little taco","A brrr-ito" +"A couple is divorcing in court, and they are fighting for custody of their only child: The woman tries to pity the judge: -Judge, I carried this child 9 months in my belly, it is the flesh of my flesh and it comes directly to me. The judge is moved and says: -Right mam, but now, lets listen to your husband's arguments","The man prefers to use his pragmatic side, and says: -Judge, when I put my coin in the vending machine,Is the can mine or is it to the machine" +"What's worse than lobsters on your piano","Crabs on your organ" +"We all know. Albert. Einstein is a genius. But his brother","Frank is a true monster" +"I know we see a fair amount of reposts on this sub, but it's been a while since we've seen this one","I think 1" +"Working retail today when an older man got me with this one Guy: So this is free, right. (holding up a pack of Extra gum) Me: No sir, it's a dollar. Guy: You're gonna charge me extra","I cringed and laughed awkwardly" +"If you could get milk from a moth","could you make 'Motharella' Cheese" +"I'm trying to give up sexual inuendos","It's hard,so hard" +"I once thanked a French guy to death","It was a merci killing" +"I never refuse Pi","That would be irrational" +"My dad sent this to me this morning. i was caught groaning quite audibly at work. http://imgur","com/fm36oJ1" +"Why do women like getting married","It has a nice ring to it" +"Did you hear about the movie Constipated","It hasn't come out yet" +"Did you know you shouldn't drink water when you study","You will lose concentration" +"Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: Windows frozen, won't open. Husband texts back: Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with a hammer","Wife texts back 5 minutes later: Computer really messed up now" +"Did you hear about the guys who invented the knock knock joke","They won the no-bell prize" +"Me, at the hot dog stand: Can I get a jumbo sausage. Hot dog guy: Sure. Won’t be long. Me: Yikes","In that case, can I have two" +"How did Eddie Money get himself and a friend into the backgammon tournament","Two tickets, two pair of dice" +"If my last name were Orange","I'd make a lame song called Saturday so everyone would say Orange is the new Black" +"Why did the tuna cross the road","To get to the other tide" +"Boss's dad made a joke. I work at a nice steakhouse. The owners dad (maybe late 70's) came in for dinner last night. After I told the table the seafood feature, he turns and looks at me. He puts his hand on my arm and says, You know what, I'm going to have the Halibut, just for the Halibut. I really think I snorted out loud","He winked at me so I knew that it was all good" +"What did the green grape say to the purple grape","BREATHE YOU IDIOT, BREATHE" +"I live in an apartment where the floor above mine is occupied by. Dwayne. Johnson","I've been living under a rock" +"A friend of mine was pretty upset when he was forced to crowd surf at a concert last week","He was up in arms the entire time" +"The last thing my grandfather said before he died was Pints, Litres, Gallons","That spoke volumes" +"For the past three years, I thought my son was getting an oceanography degree","Turns out he’s just a C student" +"What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom. The dirtiest clean joke I know. What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom. A pick pocket snatches watches","Credit to Redd Foxx" +"What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu","One requires tweetment , the other requires oinkment" +"Wife tells me There's a dime on the floorboard over here","Yeah, it makes it easier to turn" +"Dad's Dogs Dad: My Dog has no nose. Reluctant Participant: How does it smell. Dad: Awful Dad: My dog has no legs Reluctant Participant: What do you call it","Dad: You can call it anything but it won't come" +"When in snow This one was me getting my dad. Me-*puts beer in snow outside window to keep cold* Dad- that's convenient","Me- you know what they say, when in snow, do as the snowmans" +"Every. Single. Time we drive past a cemetery. Dad: Wow that graveyard is packed, do you know why it's so crowded","I heard people are dying to go there" +"So, what do you do for a living. Breathing, eating, drinking","You know, the usual" +"I made a bad joke about an axe. No one laughed","It wasn't very cleaver" +"What do ya call apple juice that makes all of the decisions","Decider" +"I asked my. North. Korean friend how life is in. North. Korea I can't complain","He said." +"How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb","2, but I don't know how they got in there" +"Thought. I was great at identifying my car, until. I got in the wrong. Kia. Turns out, not my","Forte" +"Why are worms so easy to get along with","Because they are always down to Earth" +"My teacher told this to us today in class. If you're skydiving and your parachute cord is tangled, don't worry about it","You have the rest of your life to figure it out" +"What is the favorite movie of all nazis and neo-nazis","Fast and Fuhrerious" +"Do you know where Engagement, Ohio is","It’s right between Dayton and Marion" +"I hate the way my hair transplant looks but","I think it will grow on me" +"Want to know what it's like to live in Oklahoma","It's OK" +"Hotel Coffee My dad and I were staying at a hotel, he tried the coffee and smiled. Ahh, it's like making love in a canoe. , Is it that good. I ask, he stops drinking looks me in the eyes and said no, it's fucking too close to water","As he slowly poured it down the sink dramatically" +"Time travel. My dad and. I were watching","Terminator 2 and talking about time paradoxes and he said paradox, what's is that like for 2 boats?" +"I knew a lead actor who really did break a leg when he slipped off the stage during his performance","He had a really great cast" +"What do you call cheese that is not yours","Nacho Cheese" +"My mom remarked that the obituaries had had more people in them than usual","My dad replied well people are just dying to get in there" +"What do a… Necrophiliac and alcoholic have in common","They both like to crack open a cold one" +"Why do donkey breeders prefer trucks","They haul ass" +"What do you call someone with no white friends","Crackalackin (Cracker lacking)" +"I saw a piece of fruit fly","Poor insect, cut in half like that" +"A blonde orders a pizza and the waiter asks if she would like it cut into 6 or 12 pieces. 6 please","I could never eat 12" +"Did you hear about the study that spent 6 months researching impotence in male ground squirrels","That's just nuts" +"Why did the skunk cross the road","To get to the odor side" +"If a chiropractor misses work","do they get back pay" +"You can't explain puns to kleptomaniacs","Because they take everything literally" +"Birthday dad joke I dad joked my wife today. It's my birthday. My wife asked, You have had 49 trips around the sun. What do you think of them so far. Of course, the only reply is, Enlightening. She was speechless","My son lit up with laughter" +"My friend's mom is a truck-driver","She's a real mothertrucker" +"The worst time to be an eye doctor has to be. New. Year's. Eve 2019,","Right before everyone sees 2020." +"Told my lil brother, that my dad could beat up his dad It took him a moment to process what I had said, and then he looked at me shocked and asked. Are you saying that I'm adopted. It was priceless","(No, he isn't adopted)" +"If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work","IHOP" +"Video games don't have a negative influence on kids","If Pac-Man had affected us, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music" +"I discovered a magic wand that can transform any copy of. Monopoly into. Risk","This is a real game changer" +"I dad joked my rehab tech today. I'm a physical therapist, and one of my patients is named *You* (she's vietnamese). *Rehab tech:* Can you work on You. *Me:* I work on me everyday","*Rehab tech:* heh *(eye roll)*" +"How did Hitler tie his shoesies","In little Nazis" +"Studies show Colorado men are more likely to go bald","the hair is just thinner in the Rockies" +"I found out the technical difference between a dance and a ball. A dance is when only people of the same age are invited","A ball is any pitch outside the strike zone" +"Wth great reflexes","Comes great response ability" +"2 balloons are floating in the desert one says to the other, -","Careful, there is a cactusssssssssssssssssssssssssss" +"Why didn't the balding man get a hairpiece","Because he didn't want toupee for it" +"I LOVE cold weather","but only to a certain degree" +"Did you here the one about the magic tractor","He turned into a field" +"Sometimes I feel like a doctor for dwarves","Because I have such little patience" +"My wife keeps yelling at me to stop signing I'm a believer . I thought she must be joking","But then I saw her face" +"What’s the difference between light and hard","You can sleep with the light on" +"My friend recently confessed to me that he got his third nipple surgically removed","He really needed to get that off his chest" +"How does a mermaid give birth","By sea section" +"What did the kid with the square head say to the barber","Once around the block please" +"Every time. I knock on the bathroom's door and my dad is in there. He yells Come in and","I groan every time." +"I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes :(. Yeah, now. I have","Heinzsight." +"What do you call an iguana who runs a casino","The lizard of odds" +"How do you make an egg roll","You push it" +"Why are pediatricians always so angry","They have very little patients" +"My son came out today. He said 'I'm gay'. I said 'Hi gay. I'm dad'","He left the house and never returned" +"My girlfriend started smoking. So","I slowed down and applied lubricant" +"Daughter says goodbye to the 'swimming bears at the zoo' every time we leave daycare","There are no bears at daycare, I think she may have a bye polar disorder" +"Ever since I lost my toes in a climbing accident, my best friend has been acting hostile towards me","I guess he is lack-toes intolerant" +"What do you call an apparating vegetable","A teleportato" +"What’s Irish and Stays Out All Night","Patty O’Furniture" +"My husband got me tonight. We don't have any kids yet, though my husband - I believe, is prepared. It was after dinner he had this seafood concoction that contained rice, chicken, shrimp, and mussels. Anyway, he was super full afterwards and pushing hid belly out. The conversation went as follows: Me: Full huh. Hubby: yeah, (points to stomach) the shrimp is here, chicken here and rice here. Me: What about the oysters (I don't eat seafood, please don't hate me) Hubby: You mean mussels. (Proceeds to flex) All over","Edit: hopefully spacing-posting on my phone" +"Traveling with a dad. Was walking into a turnpike rest stop with my dad. There were a bunch of food venues to choose from. Me:Where do you want to eat","Dad: At a table" +"Why did the bowling pins stop working","They went on strike" +"Do you know what happens when you wear two watches","You have too much time on your hands" +"Wife Had Son In Car On Way To The Hospital","I named him Carson" +"Pete and Repete were sitting on a fence","Pete fell off, who was left sitting on the fence" +"What do you call a fight between celebrities","Star Wars" +"The French usually only have a single egg for breakfast","because one egg is *un oeuf*" +"Are you my girlfriend or my dad. *looking at pictures of people, we see a bald girl* **Girlfriend:** Oh yeah, I've seen her before. All her hair fell out. **Me:** From what","**Girlfriend:** Her head" +"I hate those people that knock on my door telling me I need to be saved or that I'll burn","Stupid firefighters" +"Most of my family members are like luxury Volkswagen cars","They emit noxious gases, but always deny it" +"Girlfriend asked how I was dressed Talking to the GF about what to wear GF: I'm not sure what to wear, I don't know how you are dressed","Me: Completely" +"Dad on your Birthday. http://i. imgur. com/wt3xT","jpg" +"A lightning bug hit out windshield and left a glowing smear","I said 'He won't have the guts to to that again'" +"What do you call a modest insect","A Humblebee" +"Wife texted me as she was boarding a plane, irritated that there was no wifi or TV screens as it was one of their classic planes So I texted back: Looks like you boarded the air-PLAIN","She didn't text me again" +"Why are some hairdressers gay","Because their straighteners are broke" +"Her: Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes. Me: That’s a","novel idea" +"What do Catholics get during mass on Halloween","Christ Krispie Treats" +"My kid broke my new IPhone. So I’m giving it away for free","He does a few chores, and is reasonably good with pets" +"What's the easiest house to move with","Lighthouse" +"What do you call a monkey in a mine field","A baBOOOOOOOOOM" +"Friends dad had no mercy Today I was at a friends place. Somehow my friend slipped and fell in the kitchen and hit his head on the table. He obviously started cursing and yelling aloud, blood was flowing as well. Then his dad comes storming into the kitchen having been alarmed by the commotion, seeing spots of blood on the table, he then yells","DON'T BREAK THE BLOODY TABLE" +"I offered to take my friend to a popular German city. He was so grateful","I said Don't Munchen it" +"My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear. ” In my best bear voice, I replied","“No thanks, I’m stuffed" +"What's the difference between someone who bought a house and someone who practices their electrician skills","One's a home owner and the other's an ohm honer" +"Girlfriend got me pretty good. *[discussing via text what movie to see this weekend]* **her (sarcastically)**: Let's see 50 Shades of Grey. **me**: haha I almost jokingly suggested the same thing to you. **her**: GREY minds think alike","**me**: Auuuugghhhhhhhh" +"My son was doing his homework, when he asked me, “Dad, what's the chemical formula for water. ” I said, “HIJKLMNO. ” He asked, “What're you talking about","” I responded, “Well, it’s H to O" +"Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. Straw. That's it","The last straw" +"Last night, I couldn't find my normal pajamas, so I put on swim trunks. My wife asked, why are you wearing swim trunks right now","Because, I'm about to dive into bed" +"You’re a unit of power now son","I’m a watt" +"My dad dadjoked the pizza lady. I recently got a new haircut and my dad and I went to go pick up a pizza tonight. Pizza Lady: Hey I like your hair. Dad: Oh thanks. Been growing it for over fifty years","I couldn't help but release a chuckle with my groan" +"Some classic dad joking at work with a coworker Me: I'm forcing friendship. I friended you on Facebook Her: I won't stand for this. Me: Well, it's a good thing you're sitting in a chair. Cue me being the only one laughing. Me: You have to admit, that was pretty good. Her: It was alright. Me: But it's not because I have a left arm and a left leg, so I can't be alright","Her: This just needs to stop" +"The local motorway has become blocked after a lorry shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes","Police say the traffic is pretty stationery" +"Why is six afraid of seven","Because seven is a registered six offender" +"I thought my car was actually out of control","But as it turns out it was just skidding" +"As. I handed my","Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know, one would have been enough.”" +"What's a gamblers favorite dessert","Dice cream" +"My Dad refused to kill a bug for me I asked my Dad to kill a Junebug for me. He said, I can't kill it yet","It's only March" +"Today I made a bold move","**move**" +"I once had a conversation with a dolphin","We just clicked" +"It's about time we got some wet grass. I think it is dew","(/r/jokes kicked me over here with my humble offering)" +"What do you call dust that only settles on certain objects","Particular matter" +"How did Jesus get so strong","Cross fit" +"Get it together son. http://i. imgur. com/IEKsXH9","png" +"I don't always tell dad jokes","But when I do, he laughs" +"I've got a new part time job for a company making rubberised computer keyboards…","They offer flexible shifts…" +"What kind of bagel can fly","A plain bagel" +"Hey dad what is that blue thing I don't know, looks like. [A safe](http://imgur","com/F7Q3SDL)" +"Why is Cinderella bad at soccer","She always runs away from the ball" +"A customer said this one to me at work today I was standing at the counter with one of my employees and we were discussing the fact that the scanner doesnt work very well. Employee: I think its just an ethernet cable. Me: Change it out with register 3 and I'll order a new one. Customer: Don't bother, its an ethernet cable, so ether it works or ether it doesn't","Groans all around" +"Did you guys hear about the new shovel","It���s ground breaking" +"I haven't slept for days. I'm okay though","I sleep nights" +"What do you call a fraud based on a word play","A puns-i scheme" +"I'll fight you with my bear hands","Oh, deer" +"I made friends with a guy from Central Europe on chess","com earlier He's my czech mate" +"Why was the schizophrenic kicked off the farm","He was a danger to himself and udders" +"My son swallowed some coins and was taken to hospital","When I asked how he was, the nurse said No change yet" +"What do you call a cow in an earthquake","Milkshake" +"How did the pope get the bird flu","From the cardinal" +"What do you call a fake sign","An imposter" +"Alligators can grow up to 13 feet","Most, however, only have 4" +"Is this sub still active","There hasn't been any posts all year" +"My mom is mad at me and called me lazy","I'm not even doing anything." +"I went to a restaurant on the moon recently","Great food, no atmosphere" +"Do you know how I learned 8 x 8 = 64","I ate, I ate and got sick on the floor" +"Taking a car load of kids to amusement park today. One kid screams Please tell me that's Knott's Berry Farm. I reply, It's Knott","Kids in unison Awww" +"Son: what do you call a chef who makes lot of money","Mom: I don't know Son: an entree-peneur Mom: Get out of here" +"I failed to sell kitchen utensils as a full time business. I guess it didn't","*puts on glasses* Pan out" +"What's the loudest kind of pet","A trumpet" +"Why did the scarecrow win an award","Because he was outstanding in his field" +"My wife was mad that I bought a really expensive revolving chair. But then she sat on it","Now I can see her coming around" +"They're only called gargoyles if they collect and spout rain water. They should be called","gargles" +"I was waiting ages to play snooker the other night but gave up in the end","The cue was too long" +"I was called in to investigate the murder of Smokey, the forest fire fighter","It was a grizzly scene, almost too much to bear" +"What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume","Ryan Gauzeling" +"Google is useless. http://imgur","com/a/n8SEU" +"Why was the Englishman taking pictures of his money","Because the camera adds ten pounds" +"What do you call an attractive person having a seizure","Fit" +"I'm a social vegan","I don't meet" +"I've always wanted to go to. Holland someday","Wooden shoe?" +"You’re American when you walk into a bathroom and you’re American when you come out. But do you know what you are while you’re in there","European" +"Disappointing my fiancee in public again We are going around getting price quotes from venues for the wedding. At this one our host was typing out our quote and was having a rough time. Lady: Alright, we will add in the shipping cost and, ahg, I can't spell today","Me: T-O-D-A-Y Groaning all around, I think I'll be ready for when we have kids" +"What do you call an accusatory reptile","An allegator" +"Dad, my shoe has a hole in it. So does mine son","It's how I get my foot in it" +"I couldn't sleep last night. I was wondering where the sun went","Then it dawned on me" +"This is the first year I’m not going to Bora Bora because of COVID-19","Normally I don’t go because I’m broke" +"Do you want to hear a chemical joke","Na" +"What did one Tropical Storm say to the other","I used to be a hurricane but now I'm depressed" +"What do you call a boat full of well educated people","A scholarship" +"Courtesy of my eye-rolling wife to tell to my kids when they grow up Wife sent me these (she can't believe she's condoning this behavior): What does the subatomic duck say. Quark Quark Two photons arrive at the airport and they are asked if they have any luggage to check. No thanks, we're traveling light [Source](http://mashable. com/2014/01/18/54-dad-jokes/","utm_cid=mash-com-fb-main-link)" +"Why did the farmer call his pig Ink","Because it always ran out of the pen" +"What was. Bob the builder called when he retired","Bob" +"Why did the skunks go to the toilet at the same time","Because friends stink together" +"My dad got me good yesterday in the car So we were driving around in the parking lot and there were a surprisingly high amount of mini vans in there","My dad, without even hesitating says What is this, a convantion" +"I had to give up practicing. Buddhism","I was becoming too attached to it" +"Did you know, if you took out your brain, and laid every neuron out in a line","you would die" +"Dad jokes. What happened when the two antennas got married","Well, the ceremony was kinda boring, but the reception was great" +"What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden. A seizure salad","(It was suggested to post this here from r/jokes)" +"I found an origami porn channel","But it's paper view only" +"What do you call the act of an Italian having sex with pasta","Pennetration" +"At my interview today: Where do you see yourself in five years","In the mirror, most likely" +"What's brown and sounds like a bell","*Dung" +"I have a book for alcoholics and drug abusers","Adictionary" +"What part of a fish weights the most. The","scales" +"What did Scar to Simba say right before he died","I've made my bed, I'm ready to lion it" +"Imagine trying to eat a clock","It’d be so time consuming" +"Why is leather great for sneaking around","Because it's made of hide" +"What do you call a bee that lives in America","A USB" +"dad jokes my SO today me: Honey, I burned almost 2000 calories today. her: Congrats","me: Yeah, I left the tray of cookies in the oven too long and they were burnt to a crisp her:" +"When I was younger I thought I had a Chinese friend","Turns out it was just my imaginasian" +"Whole Foods is using anime to promote healthy snacks for kids","Their first product is 'My Hero Macadamia" +"Sister: So. I've decided to start flipping houses . Her. Husband: I hope you have a big enough spatula","I lost it" +"I have a friend who. I found out is addicted to drinking brake fluid","It's okay though, he can stop any time" +"What do you call a duck on crack","A quackhead" +"Why didn’t 4 watch the horror film","Because it was 2 squared" +"100 years ago everyone owned horses and only the rich drove cars These days everyone drives cars and only the rich own horses","Oh how the stables have turned" +"My BF got me after I made a comment about my stomach growling. BF: It's good that you know your organs so well, I can't even play piano. Me: Uuuugh, you're terrible. BF: Sorry, was that joke a bit off-key.","followed up just now with an I'm surprised you don't just tune me out" +"What are the tallest buildings in the world","A library because it has so many stories" +"SO was looking to liven up breakfast Her: I've just found a page with *hundreds* of omelette recipes. Me: Well you'd better get cracking then","Thank you one and all, first time I felt I had something worthy to submit here" +"What happened after the Energizer bunny was arrested","He was charged with battery" +"xkcd 1378 is a dadjoke http://xkcd","com/1378/" +"My boss and his brother. Sitting in my boss's office, talking about which scale we should buy to weigh the adhesive for a new part we are making. His brother is retired/contractor that got us the job. Brother, The 1000g scale is only 70 more dollars. Me, We can just get the 250g one, this is the only thing I'm going to use it for, I don't weigh much. Boss, Well you might not but my Brother surely does. Another common one around the shop. Boss, Just use the green router, it's already set up for this. *me looking puzzled* Me, Ohh, you mean the orange one. Got it. Boss, Yea sorry its hard for me. (long pause). You know because I don't see color",":|" +"How much does the world's heaviest dumpling weigh","Wonton" +"Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence","It was udder destruction" +"[Accidental Dad Joke] My kids were complaining about how the oranges we bought smelled, so I smelled them","I said, They don't smell *bad*, just not very appealing" +"Her: This is idiotic. We are not talking over the radio. The relationship is over. Me: This relationship is what","Over" +"Our room number on the cruise was. U2","We still haven’t found what we’re looking for" +"Easter Bread While in Texas, I stopped at a Christian Bakery. There was a nativity scene on the wall, gospel music playing on the speakers, etc. I went up to one of the employees and asked where their Easter Bread was. Easter Bread. What's that. You know, bread that takes 3 days to rise","" +"Got my wife while shopping http://imgur","com/ICyBvFF" +"Never Trust Someone With Graph Paper","They're always plotting something" +"The school phoned me today and said, Your son's has been telling lies. I replied, Tell him, he's bloody good","I don't have any kids" +"So Mickey, you want to divorce Minnie because she's. really silly. No","Because's she's fucking Goofy" +"Dad Jokes Can I watch the TV","Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on" +"Wisconsin dad joke I can't believe these people. Just completely tasteless. I am outraged and these anti-volone parasites should be ashamed","I have been and always will be provolone" +"A toast to nipples","Without them, boobs would be pointless" +"Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club","However I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore" +"Was playing scrabble yesterday","My brother was missing the letter C for the word titanic and my dad pulls off how can you have the Titanic without the C We almost quit" +"What's the most dangerous thing that can happen in a kitchen","A counter attack" +"Did you hear about the cheese that lost at the Olympics","It fell over on the final curdle" +"What did the grape suntan before meeting with his boss","He was hoping for a raisin pay" +"My wife was donning some socks with Einstein on them She said she had Einstein on her ankle. I said she was looking kinda hot in a nerdy way. She replied really","I replied relatively speaking" +"What vegetable lives in your heart","Beets" +"When my mom asked me what. I wanted after my brother stole all the ice from my soda. I replied:","JUSTICE!" +"What do you call someone who doesn't speak any German","Guten free" +"My son high-fived me for this one. Counting down to midnight on New Year's Eve, my wife announced to the room to get ready to make a toast to the new year. I asked her if she remembered to bring the bread. She looked at me puzzled for a second. Bread. she asked. Yeah, for the toast. I said. Her eyes rolled hard. My 15-year-old son laughed hard and told me, Good one","before giving me a high-five on it" +"What do you call a depressed frog","Unhoppy" +"Being a vegan is a poor choice","In fact it's a long series of missed steaks" +"Why do melons always have big weddings","Because they cantaloupe" +"You know what's worse than having ants in your pants","Having uncles in your pants" +"I was about to try this new massage parlor that just opened but","I figured I should wait until they work out the kinks" +"What is a fish’s favorite drug","Seaweed" +"What is the delivery man's favorite kind of music","Bubble Rap" +"Not a joke, just some appreciation I only made this so I didn't have to comment on hundreds of posts, so delete if you want to, mods. I found you glorious bastards literally seconds ago. These puns are absolutely top-notch","Keep up the good work you guys" +"Does anyone want to hear a joke about ghosts","That’s the spirit" +"What type of dog can do magic tricks","A labracadabrador" +"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh","Ten-tickles" +"What’s the difference between you and an egg","An egg gets laid, you don’t" +"How do flowers kiss","With their tulips" +"If I started a band called “Ceiling”","Would that make the people who enjoy my music “Ceiling Fans”" +"Why did the bird cross the kitchen. To Eat. To Eat","To Eat" +"I fell asleep in the middle of a movie","I never heard the end of it!" +"What do you call an alligator that works on Wall St","An Invest-i-gator" +"I've gone without booze for a week","It's been a sobering experience" +"Which Pokémon has Covid","Pik-achoo" +"Worried about my musical career, my grandma decided to leave me everything in her will","Finally, I can say I’m Grammy nominated" +"So I got dad joked for the first time today. I'm speechless http://imgur","com/NZZWAPH" +"What do you call a crocodile without a fish","A croile" +"I asked John McEnroe if I could go to his fancy dress party as a Harry Potter character","He replied, You can not be Sirius" +"My wife put a lot of effort in preparing a romantic dinner and topped it all off by flambéing our dessert","She was on fire that evening" +"I wanted to file my taxes online this year. Sadly,. I just wasn't that","Intuit" +"What did one mint say to the other mint after it saved him from being eaten","Wow, you're a life-saver" +"Sometimes I'll start a sentence with I'm not racist. then I'll end it normally just to confuse people. Me: I'm not racist, I really love cheese. Them: But that's not racist. Me: yeah","Like I said, I'm not racist" +"My chiropractor's pretty cool","He's real hip and always rolling joints" +"I tried to make a joke about a rocket powered snowboard","It went downhill fast" +"I tried to fry an egg without utensils","it didn't pan out" +"He hit my mum with this one this morning. We're from the UK. Mum - I've done really well, you know. I've lost 10lbs. Dad - Done well","We can't find it anywhere" +"Why are skeletons bad liars","Everyone can see right through them" +"A Spanish man was crushed to death by a falling two","It was a lethal dos" +"This morning, I jogged around the block 15 times","Then I picked it up, and put it back in my kid’s toy box" +"After watching the new Terminator. I quoted part of the movie in front of my family What do we want. Time travel. When do we want it. Irrelevant","Not sure if that counts, but I laughed and they groaned, that's usually how they go, right" +"I heard the local country club has a brand new driving range","I want to swing by and see it" +"How many jokes about medicine does it take before people get sick of them","Over dos" +"Mike The Situation Sorrentino is the biggest jerk in the world","Sorry, I'm going off on a tan gent" +"What's the rabbit doing at the stylists. Getting a harecut","(Came up with this one myself and I'm not even a dad)" +"I'm so happy its tick season soon","I enjoy a little Lyme with my Corona" +"A sick eagle crossed the border without a passport","He is now ill-eagle" +"Driving home with my grandma. I ask my grandma do you remember how to play gin","She said I don't know but I know how to drink it" +"I have a friend who's addicted to brake fluid","He says he can stop at anytime though" +"He is ready. Operator: 911 whats your emergency. Man: My wife is going into labor, I dnt know what to do. Operator: Is this her first born","Man: No, this is her husband" +"The phone was ringing for a while and I eventually got up to get it. Are you going to answer that call anytime today. yelled my wife. No, I replied","Probably a simple 'hello' will suffice" +"How many ears does Capt Kirk have","A left ear, a right ear, and the Final Front-ear" +"What's Canadas spy organization called","CIEh" +"Why do the french eat snails","They don’t like fast food" +"I'll tell you what I know about dwarves","Very Little" +"We should get Subway for dinner. Me: We should get Subway for dinner. -Subway commercial comes on television- Me: Look, it's a sign","Dad: No, it's a commercial" +"Eating with my parents at a diner. And I'm dancing to a song when my mom asks me if this is my jam . Without hesitation I pointed to the stack of strawberry jam packets and said No, THIS is my jam","You guys trained me well :')" +"My brother foolishly challenged me to a pun battle. The theme was fish/ocean related things. We passed around the usual reel-y and shore you will jokes until, in his words, I dropped the A-bomb of fish jokes. Me: Do you know why fish swim in schools instead of churches. Brother: Why. Me: Because fish are like, Ick- theology. *My brother then stood up and left the room for five minutes. When he came back. * Brother: You're a monster","Me: Nah, I'm just moray eel-y corrupt" +"I used to have a Russian friend who was a sound technician And a Czech one too","A Czech one too" +"Ran into Rick Astley. He gave me his entire Pixar collection, except one of them","He started dancing and said, Never gonna give you 'Up'" +"Why did the hamburger start working out","to get better buns" +"I ran over a cat the other day","Just kitten" +"Why are Canadians the fiercest competitors of all time","They always bring their eh game" +"why does a frenchman only have one egg for breakfast","because one egg is un oeuf" +"Dad joke at a performance My father in law pumped this out at a dinner the other night. The band was coming up to play a song and the MC for the night said take it away guys to which my in law responded with where are they taking it. We're right here","Maximum groaning all round" +"An interesting title","Don't let statistics do a number on you." +"Why do chicken coops only have two doors. Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans","" +"My surname is Turner and my daughter","Well she’s a real Paige Turner" +"Two for one. I went to visit a friend today. I'm a somewhat restless guy, so while we were hanging out I pulled out my stiletto and started playng with it. He says, 'That's a sharp knife","' I replied, 'That's the point" +"What is Kylo Ren's favorite video game to play. Fortnite","Because he loves to Solo Kill" +"Did you hear they are trying to get Barbara Walters to host the New Years Eve ball drop","We will bring in the New Year with I am Barbara Walters and this is 2020" +"To the man who stole all my crops,","Take an aspirin, because you have my grains." +"What movie director would make the best lumberjack","Timmmmmmm-buuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrr-ton" +"KID: Dad, make me a sandwich","DAD: Poof, you’re a sandwich" +"What’s the saddest thing you can put on your skin","Disapp-ointment" +"Why was six afraid of seven","Because seven was a registered six-offender" +"A proctologist hurt his eardrums at a rock concert","In fact, he nearly rectum" +"Which knight made the Round Table","Sir Cumference" +"What do you call a pessimistic can of beans","A can't of beans" +"What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo","One’s a heavy animal and the other is a little lighter" +"My son(7) just told me that he lost a tooth today","I shrugged, started looking around the floor, then back at him, and said Well, are you just going to stand there, or are you going to help me look for your tooth" +"I just found out I'm colorblind","The diagnosis came completely out of the purple" +"You hear about the new bomb made out of horses","It’s called neigh-palm" +"What do you call four bull fighters in quick sand. Cuatro sink-o. Bonus: What do you call one cow watching another","A steak out" +"Wife: My calves are achin' Wife: My calves are achin' Me: Maybe you should drink some milk. Wife: WTF, why","Me: Maybe they're just hungry" +"I became a world renowned expert on cold weather","And it only took 2 degrees to do it" +"Why did the House go to the doctor","It had window panes" +"A man who had a compass, a protractor, and a calculator was arrested","For carrying weapons of math instruction." +"After trying to change my password to noodle my computer had a beef with me","Apparently my password wasn't stroganoff" +"Got the wife this morning Talking to wife on the phone. She helps out at my daughter's school once a week and was complaining about one of the students. Wife: I just don't get her. She's the only one with an above average attitude problem towards me. Me: So. would you say she gets an A for Attitude","Wife: *click*" +"I'd like to start dieting","but I just have too much on my plate right now" +"Got my friend just now. So, he made chili for us to eat while watching the Cubs game. His girlfriend, who is in a different state, called as we were watching the game and eating. I hear him say to her, Oh yeah, is it pretty chilly over there. Then I say to him, It's pretty chili over here too and then looked him as I ate a giant spoonful","He rolled his eyes and went into the other room" +"How do you know you've been left somewhere","You're not in the *right* place" +"Bakers must really enjoy baseball,","Because they are always making batters." +"A priest, a monk and a rabbit walk into a bloodbank. The rabbit says 'I think","I might be a typo'" +"I was in a meeting at work this afternoon and heard this masterpiece. Older gentleman:. I'm running out of patience in my old age. Guy on the other end of the table:","Well it's a good thing you're not a doctor" +"What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral","One less drunk guy" +"What did the Australian chess player say to his waiter after eating his meal","Checkmate" +"Boxers or briefs","Depends" +"My dad’s favourite saying was Always be upfront with everyone","Smashing bloke, but an awful goalkeeper" +"He can try on all the glasses he wants","I'm just not sure he can pull them off" +"Hear about the midget with the 40lb balls that escaped the insane asylum","He's half nuts" +"told dad","I was considering grad school, he asked if being unemployed with two degrees was more prestigious than being unemployed with one it was a second degree burn" +"My kid asked me to iron her shirt","When I handed it back, I told her I wasn't quite convinced it had turned to iron, but I did the best I could" +"What do you call a gay cow","A ho-MOO-sexual" +"Christmas, a time for passing on traditions I bought a bottle of whiskey for our pastor and when my son saw it he said, straight rye whiskey . the true spirit of Christmas","He's going to make a great dad someday" +"Wouldn't it be cool if you could project cat sounds into other people's heads","Ok, just hear meow" +"This sub reminds me of a mozzarella stick","Without the cheesiness it'd be empty inside" +"Technically a Mom joke but. So we have a Brita water filter that you can't drink from when it's fillling up. I asked my mom if it was filling","She replied, Well it's water so it's not very filling" +"Why does a chicken coop only have two doors","Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan" +"My stoner friend used my daily planner to roll up a joint…","He’s now high on my list of priorities." +"People keep saying they're protesting","But I think I'm against testing" +"Want to hear a construction joke","Sorry, I'm still working on it" +"What's orange and sounds like a parrot","A carrot" +"What did the fish say when it ran into the wall","Damn" +"What's the fastest liquid on Earth. Milk","It's pasteurized before you see it" +"Valet at Disney hotel got me twice. I called down from my room to have my car brought around. Valet Scott answered the phone and asked for my ticket number. I said one second and he goes One thousand *one*. TIMES UP. I chuckled, and continued digging through my wallet","After a moment I said Just bear with me He immediately goes ROAAAAAR" +"What did the airplane say to the helicopter","Mad props, yo" +"I play pool better when I'm angry","I have mad skills" +"Did you hear the one about the angry train","He had to blow off some steam" +"Both my son and my daughter love reddit","That must mean it's heredditary" +"What do you call someone with eight pimples","An octopus" +"Every time I visit my dad in St. Louis, he will walk into a room looking depressed until whatever girl I've brought home for the holidays asks what's wrong","His reply: Oh, I live in a state of Missouri" +"On puppies as presents. I laughed so hard I almost couldn't finish the joke I jokingly told my wife and 5 year old daughter that I was hiding a puppy in a box until Christmas. Daughter: I hope you poked holes in it so it can breathe. Me: puppies can breathe out of their nose and mouth why would I poke holes in it","I thought it was funny" +"Dad, did you get a haircut","No, I got all of them cut" +"I asked my dad why our yard was covered in shrubs","He said its because there isn't mushroom for anything else" +"If life gives you melons,","You might be dyslexic" +"I feel so proud. Dad joked my kids while driving. A bit of a milestone for me. Kids: Dad. look a duck on the side of the road. Me: He's probably just inspecting the quacks","Kids: Daaaaaaaaaad" +"What do you call the head manager of a funiture store","A chairman" +"I cut my finger chopping cheese","But it think that I may have grater problems" +"There are 10 kinds of people in the world","Those who understand hexadecimal and F the rest" +"Did you know the horse population peaked in the 1920's","It's been stabilized since then" +"Coffee isn't electrically conductive in bean form","But it is when it's ground" +"What’s the cheapest cut of meat","Deer balls, they’re under a buck" +"why do you never see sick ant eaters","because there full of anty bodies" +"Brace yourselves kids","Our dentist is shutting down" +"Hey r/dadjokes, what's my elf name. I need an elf name for a 5k charity run. It's called The Big Elf Run and it has to be family friendly","But seeing as this is the most creative sub on Reddit I thought you guys could help" +"Last night, my wife texted me to tell me she landed","I told her I thought that was the pilot's job" +"What’s the difference between an old Greyhound terminal, and a lobster with 36DD breasts","One’s a dusty bus station & the other is a busty crustacean" +"Overheard this in line at disneyworld. Ride attendant:. Looking for a party of 2. Dad:","I'm ready to party too!" +"My. Wife lost the race to. Sister. Mary. Francis","Apparently, she was second to nun." +"Acupuncture is a jab well done","That’s the point of it" +"Son: Dad, can kangaroo jump higher than a house. Dad: Of course, son","Houses cannot jump" +"Bees don’t get angry","They go beeserk" +"How does NASA prep for a large party","They planet" +"My son asked me who my favourite president was. Obviously it’s Lincoln","Number one with a bullet" +"Someone asked me recently why. I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog. And. I told them it's because","I just wanna relish it." +"I'm pregnant. My boyfriend just made his first dad joke I was feeling morning sick and so he told our baby: You're grounded. Go to your womb","I rolled my eyes" +"Whats the last thing to go through a flies mind when it hits a car windscreen","It's ass" +"Hottest phone of 2016","Iphone 7 is hitting some record sales, but the note 7 is really catching fire." +"What’s the difference between a man in a tuxedo on a bike and a homeless man on a unicycle","Attire" +"What do you call a bee with a low buzz","A mumble bee" +"Got my kids with this yesterday. http://i. imgur. com/MI3uvlZ","png" +"I. Caught. My. Dog. Chewing. Grass","Seems like he needed some ruffage." +"I told my wife that a husband ages like wine. We get better with age","Then she locked me in the cellar" +"My dad and. I were working on a job site and our translator didn't show. Dad:. The guy who can speak. Spanish didn't show up. Me:If you cant speak. Spanish speak. Russian(some of the workers were. Russian). Dad:","Why would speaking faster make a difference?" +"At the Indian Restaurant Me: I wonder if they would tell us how to make this bread. Girlfriend: Actually I'm sure it's pretty easy","Me: I don't know, we may have to sign a Naan Disclosure Agreement" +"Grandma goes to Cold Stone Took my precious grandparents to Cold Stone for a late night snack. After waiting line, trying many samples and finally ordering and getting our ice cream, my grandma goes to pay. After some searching, she hands the cashier her rewards card and continues to search for her money. After a little more fumbling, she looks up to see the cashier with a funny look on her face and tells my grandma she can't use that card. My grandma is confused and asks, why, is it expired. To which the young girl responds, no, it's just that we're not Ohmaha Steaks","My grandma is super embarrassed and my grandpa turns to me and says, it seems your grandma has a case of cardszheimers" +"What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter","Pumpkin pi" +"The local ice cream man just got court martialed","Turns out he was a desserter" +"I told my dad that I burned 400 calories","He asked if the firefighters came" +"A joke only","Australians can understand ˙uǝʇɐǝ ǝq ʇ,uoʍ noʎ ʇsɐǝl ʇ∀ ¿ƃop ǝɥʇ oʇ ʎɐs uǝʞɔᴉɥɔ ǝɥʇ pᴉp ʇɐɥM" +"What do you call a recently whacked mob boss","Al Ca-put" +"What did the horse say after it tripped. Help","I've fallen and I can't giddyup" +"I've got an eye On a second date with a girl last night. We were eating at the bar, when I bit into a chip and the seasoning flew into my eye. She starts making fun of me for it, when I responded, looks like I've got an eye for seasoning. She laughed, said oh god. I'm really not trying to encourage you","I should really stop laughing" +"Elvis and. Enis. You know, back in the day. Elvis had a twin brother. Enis, who was just as great as. Elvis if not better, but he was soon forgotten after. Elvis got the name 'Elvis the","Pelvis'." +"Why do ducks make lousy spies","They always quack under interrogation" +"One thing","I can’t deal with is a deck of cards glued together" +"Officer: I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia","Man: no wait, I can explain everything" +"What do you call a Hippo with a gigantic butt","Hippobottomus" +"Dadjoke by Christopher Lee (Video in comments) Did you hear about the Austrialian Aborrigonie who bought himself a new boomarang","He spent the rest of his life trying to get rid of the old one" +"What did the Australian Grand Chess Master say when he wanted his restaurant bill","Check mate" +"Jenga joke Playing jumbo Jenga that a friend made out of 2x4s when my friend looks at his wife and says: Friend - try that piece there, it looks like it would work Me - it all looks like wood work to me","Laughter and eye rolls ensued" +"Why did the coffee file a police report","It got mugged" +"Why were dinosaurs so big","Because Jurassic times call for Jurassic measures" +"I don't get why aquatic animals are a thing","They surf no porpoise" +"Me, 22 years old, at my parents' house: Dad, I'm taking a nap. Dad: Okay","Put it back when you're done" +"Dad wants to fix the blinds Me looking at crooked blinds: There's not enough tension on that side. Dad: So you might say it has a","*tension deficit disorder*" +"I was fiddling with my watch in bed today and it came off and fell on my face","It clocked me pretty good" +"My father-in-law's joke. We're coming out of a restaurant after dinner and it's a little brisk out. My husband: It's cold out here. Me: Where's your jacket. Husband: I left it at home","His dad: He's keeping the house warm while you're gone" +"Found a dad joke on the front page Someone get this guy over here. http://www. reddit","com/r/todayilearned/comments/2uwwql/til_weird_al_turned_down_5_million_in_the_late/cocffu9" +"What did the reindeer father say to the reindeer son","I caribou you" +"Bae My dad asked me what is bae. Is it like bay leaves. I told him, no, mom is your bae. Oh, so not like bay leaves. More like when mom goes to the casino, 'bae leaves'","(Can't take the credit for this, found it in another sub)" +"I just paid $350 for a limousine, but found out it didnt have a driver","All that money and nothing to chauffeur it" +"Why did you learned sign language","I thought it could be pretty handy" +"What do you call a bee that comes from America","USB" +"Cringy dadjoke told by my father this evening: How does Moses do his hair. He parts it","I'm sure its totally unoriginal but it was so stupidly hilarious at the time (hes about 65)" +"Should've seen this one coming My mother wanted us to get her bike out of the shed. It was hanging up behind two other bikes. As we went to move the other bikes back onto the hooks, Mom's bike fell over. Well, *of course* it's not gonna stay up, I mumbled. Of course not, said Dad","It's two-tired" +"I wonder if in Mississippi they have towns named. One, Two, Three","(credit goes to my wife" +"A man gets arrested The cop: You’re under arrest for stealing those encyclopedias. The man: Wait","I can explain everything" +"What's a prostitutes favorite genre","Whore-er" +"Every time we eat salad Mum to Dad: Can you dress the salad please","Dad: Of course, would the salad prefer a smart or casual look" +"Cup of Coffee **Friend:** I don't like McDonald's Coffee. It never figured out why, but it always tasted a little weird to me. I guess it's just not my cup of tea","**Me:** That's because it is a cup of coffee" +"I have a fear of speed bumps","I am slowly getting over it" +"I'm going to start a. Japanese liquor company, call it Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck","Four fucks sake" +"what kind of mail does a witch carry her broom","hex-press mail" +"Dadjoked on bike ride. Stated to wife that I thought the house we were passing was a tudor","The guy was just coming out of the garage (which has three doors) And says, No it's a three door" +"I was going to join the debate club","But someone talked me out of it." +"I asked when these twins joined the Siamese club","They said they had joined together" +"Not trying to brag, but","Cashiers are always checking me out" +"My dog Minton keeps eating my shuttlecocks","Bad Minton" +"The queen of england Asked my dad this: Me: Why doesn't the Queen wave with this hand . *waves left hand* Dad: I don't know, she uses her right one","Me: No, because it's MY hand" +"Dad messaged me: Toilet at work is clogged up https://imgur","com/eRh5C5o" +"What do you feel when you haven't had your morning coffee","Depresso" +"What would have been different if Mexico were first to the Moon","It's Juan small step for a man, Juan giant leap for mankind" +"My cat stepped on my remote and my show stopped playing","I think she pawsed it" +"Classic Dad. Tonight my family goes out for Chinese. Its winter. My mom drops lip-balm mid-use and cannot find it. Can anyone see my chapstick. she asks. You can use mine","says dad with a shit-eating grin on his face and a chopstick in his hand" +"What did the musician say to the soldier","Do you C major anywhere" +"A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was. I said, You're a nervous","Shrek" +"Did you hear about the kidnapping at the local school. The woke him up eventually","(Thanks dad, you got me)" +"I ordered a beer and the bartender said Sorry, I only have root beer","So I had him put it in a square glass" +"Have you heard about the new greens keeper at Wembley. The one doing all the experimental grass cutting techniques","His colleagues are calling him the avant-gardener" +"Why does. Spiderman always have such good comebacks","Because with great power comes great response abilities" +"Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar","Followed by Batman" +"Who makes all the deliveries in India","A curry-er" +"I met a girl with 12 nipples today","Sounds weird dozen tit" +"I see. said the blind man","as he tripped over his hammer and saw" +"I just met nicolas cage and i said i bet you cant eat this scone in a minute. He did","It was scone in 60 seconds" +"In Honor of his Birthday, My dads ultimate go to (terrible) Dad Joke that he used every time and acted surprised when we finally caught on and stole his punch line Walking through the mall. They have a show model of a Buick that they are selling, sitting outside the food court. My dad. everytime. without fail. Would ja look at the parking spot THEY got","" +"I told my dad I was disappointed that the woman who tried to scale the statue of liberty only made it to the feet","He said you call that a climbing defeat" +"What happened to the bacteria's plot to eat my sandwich","It was foiled" +"Why wouldn't the Army cook ever serve cake, ice cream or pies","He was afraid of being charged with dessert-tion" +"As an Android user, I finally gave in and bought my first Apple device. I have to say I'm impressed, even if it only has a single-core processor Pic of my new device here - http://i. imgur. com/UwQ8ZUE","jpg" +"Are you new. I do Hockey commentary and someone I hadn't met before was sitting in the commentator's booth so I asked if he was new. He replied, I'm 38","I'm not that new" +"This came from a little hungry boy. My friend was grilling some carne and his little neighbor came by and asks us if we are making steak. We're used to calling steak, carne. The kid is technically right. So my friend jokingly told him, “No, that is a miSTEAK. The kid paused for a bit and said, So it's a girl steak. My friend and I was appalled","Anyways, we gave that damn kid the steak" +"If you're American when you go in the bathroom , and American when you come out, what are you while you're in the bathroom","You're a peein" +"Dadjoked my son's friends in an online game. Nobody laughed. Last night I was playing an online game with some of my son's friends, and one randomly texted on the in-game chat: I just ate an apple. RAW. I wrote back, That's hard core. Nobody laughed. At least, that I saw. :( Edit: Holy moly, it gets mediocre response two days ago when it's posted, then it blows up over the weekend. Thanks for all the upvotes, folks","Love all the other terrible jokes & puns on here" +"Conversation with my 2y old son: What will happen if the moon falls down. Me: Hmm. Maybe we can play football with it. Son: Nah","The moon has no legs" +"A man decided to attend his friend's funeral. He approached his friend's widow and after a consoling hug said Plethora","She responded Thanks that means a lot" +"An anti-vax mother went to the doctor. She asked, Why is my baby crying so loudly","The doctor said, It's going through its mid-life crisis" +"It's not often that I put an orange in my beer","It's like, once in a Blue Moon" +"My friend recently bought a cat","I congratulated her on her purrchase" +"Dad asked me to get him a glass of water Me: yeah sure thing Dad: hmmm it tastes really odd Me: really, whats wrong with it. Dad:","its too watered down (then proceeded to laugh hysterically)" +"A man came into my barbershop, and claimed that he got fleas from getting a haircut here","I checked—- it was all lice" +"My coworkers were discussing hypothetical situations Coworker 1: Would you rather be blind or deaf for the rest of your life. Coworker 2: Deaf, because you can always get cochlear implants","Me: Oh, so in this scenario we can cheat deaf" +"A blind man walks into a bar","He never saw it coming" +"Started a comic, I think it's evolving into an exclusive outlet for my Dad jokes [OC] Here's the link: http://www. insteadoflattes","com" +"Why did the surgeon dress up a bee to remove a stinger from the patient","Because that’s how a sting operation works" +"I ordered a chocolate clock from Amazon a few months ago. and it hasn't arrived yet","Boy, it's taking its sweet time getting here" +"Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new piano","Neither has he" +"I called my wife from prison and there was no reception. But","I had plenty of bars" +"My friend confessed to me that he masturbates with his feet. I told him he needed to get help","Things had obviously gotten out of hand" +"I showed my damaged luggage to a lawyer, and said, “I want to sue the airline","” The lawyer said, “You don’t have much of a case" +"My wife was really angry that I had no sense of direction","So I packed my stuff and right" +"I asked my dad if he was an Adele fan","He responded, Rumor has it" +"While getting into bed girlfriend wanted to cuddle, but I warned her that I was gassy. I am too. She said and started to snuggle up. I guess that means we're Egyptian. Why. She asked. Because we're King Toots-in-common","" +"To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket","You can hide, but you can't run" +"I dont trust stairs","Theyre always up to something" +"Sometimes when birds fly, they fly in a V shape, and sometimes one side of that V is longer than the other. You know why that is","There's more birds on that side" +"Sent my recently married buddy a message about the Wii U. [Here is his response] (http://imgur","com/G3Q3O6u)" +"What's the longest Broadway musical. *Rent*","One of the songs is 525,600 Minutes" +"I bought a smoke alarm","It tells me when it's time for a cigarette" +"Why was the archaeologist so depressed","Because his life was in ruins" +"Why do Daleks make good gardeners. Because they like to GERMINATE","GERMINATE" +"Nothing is made in the USA anymore. I bought a TV yesterday that said “built in antenna”","I don’t even know where that is" +"Teacher was for real. In class, my teacher went off on a tangent and started to explain the history of film. Teacher: there was a point when there was a job where some one would be cranking a machine for 20 minutes to display the film can. Student: Wow, spinning a crank for 20 minutes. Are you for reel. Teacher: Oh yes it was a chore","ohhhh (groans)" +"Why did the hat cross the road","To get a head" +"Got my mom at the hospital today I was at the hospital with my mom today for having bloody poops. I was laying in the bed and she was sitting down on a not so stable chair. She fell out of the chair and said, This stool is horrible","I replied with, So is mine" +"An American tourist in Australia was in an accident. The next day, he woke up in the hospital and asked, “Did you bring me here to die. ” The orderly said, “No, mate","We brought you here yesterday" +"What did Mario say after he watched Luigi eat twelve dozen raw koopa eggs","That's a gross" +"Today, my phone died, and I forgot my charger","I felt so powerless" +"How does the man on the moon cut his hair","Eclipse" +"Photographic evidence of a dad joke http://i. imgur. com/uLfRhDd","jpg" +"What’s the leading cause of dry skin","Towels" +"SO: did they give you something for bug bites in the shop","Me: No, I had to pay for it" +"Anyone care for a Dad Joke comic. http://mandatoryrollercoaster","com/post/147225887871/band-saw" +"Three Bulls - A Fable. Three bulls one large, one medium, and one small are out of grass in their pasture. The large bull looks over next to their pasture and sees another pasture with beautiful and lush grass, so he takes a few steps back and charges straight into the fence and breaks it. The large bull started eating. The two smaller bulls come in too and start eating the new grass. Hey. said the large bull, I put in the effort to eat this grass, go find your own. So the medium bull finds another pasture right next to the ones they're in, then he charges at the fence and breaks it and starts eating in that pasture. So the small bull comes in and starts eating. Hey. exclaimed the medium bull, who then continued on to give the same spiel that the large bull gave the two smaller bulls. Then the small bull looks around, but doesn't see any new grass fields. However, he spots a fence that led to a road. So the small bull opens the gate and walks and walks and walks to find that pasture. Wanna know the moral of the story","A little bull comes a long way" +"Dadjoked my dad at the airport. Context: Were picking up my sister at the airport (she was on a Europe trip with her friends) and my we were wondering where her friends' parents are (one of them is Indian). My dad: There not here because they're smart","They know it will take them 30 minutes to get through customs, so they're not rushin' Me: No they're not, they're Indian, He gave me a sarcastic laugh" +"Just got my entire class. We had started reading Hamlet today and before the very first line, who's there. , I said knock, knock . Everyone groaned","It was great, I couldn't stop laughing and had to leave" +"Got Dad joked in front of the Surgeon General of the United States today So I'm at the promotion ceremony of my girlfriend's Dad today. He's being promoted to Assistant Surgeon General so it's a pretty big deal. He's giving his speech and he's acknowledging all the people who are in his life and have come today to celebrate with him. He says this with Surgeon General Murthy sitting behind him, there are also two of my daughters boyfriends here with me, Mr other daughter's boyfriend, and Mr. Jack The_Baboons_Ass. Let me tell you something about the Mr. The_Baboons_Ass, if you don't know him, you don't know Jack. The Surgeon General looks on not knowing what too think while I'm cracking up","The Surgeon General then comes up to me after the ceremony and introduces himself, saying Nice to meet you Jack, I guess I do know Jack now and walks away" +"What do you call a man without a body or nose","Nobody nose" +"My friend was really proud of his British heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania","Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror" +"What do you call an ugly dinosaur","An eyesaur" +"Had a great Dad joke moment this morning. My wife and I were sitting in line at the drive-thru coffee shop this morning; my 2 year old son was in the backseat in his car seat. There was a car in front of us, which we were waiting on to finish so we could move up and place our order. At that point, I noticed what kind of car it was. So I turned to my wife and said. We just have to wait for the Prelude to finish, and then we can go on","" +"Who’s older, the sun or the moon","The moon, because they let her come out at night" +"I have a half-sister","Shark attacks are brutal" +"Nobody believes that I can name the Canadian Prime Minister","It's Trudeau" +"So I texted my dad that I couldn't sleep while he was at a party","He said me neither" +"My husband got my daughter today. Eye rolling occurred. Eating at IHOP Daughter: What is sugar substitute","Dad: You use that when sugar calls in sick" +"So a house got burglarized. and the thieves took everything, and I do mean *everything*. The appliances, the furniture, even the toilets. Police had nothing to go on","(apologies if this is a repost)" +"I heard they came up with a millennial version of the Monopoly game","They just walk around the board paying rent, never able to buy anything" +"What do you call someone who makes a lot of Dad jokes but doesn't have any kids","A faux-pa" +"My Dog's name is Pasta We're on vacation. We drove up to New York, and we took our dogs with us. We're all eating spaghetti for dinner. My brother asks while we are all at the table, Is this pasta the same that we have at home",", and my dad immediately responds with, I sure hope so, you drove up here with her" +"If humpty dumpty dies north of the wall","Will he become an egg white walker?" +"TIFU. I spent £300 on a new fad diet that's not worked. Do you guys think","I waisted my money?" +"I was named after. George. Washington. My name isn't the same as his","I was just named after he was." +"I live in the house next door to where the Notorious B. grew up as a child. The current owners let me take a look inside","No biggie" +"As my wife was preparing dinner, I said to her, That’s a nice ham you’ve got there","It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front and an ‘e’ at the end" +"Why did the vampire like eating Scandinavians","Because he had a Swede tooth" +"A Spill I work at a place that makes shakes. Had a bit of a spill one day of a certain green-colored one","My manager looks over and says, Well, at least the counter's still in mint condition" +"You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry. That’s a girls name. ” He pulls out his gun and shoots you","You have died from dissin’ Terry" +"Ad spotted in the matrimonial","Invisible man seeking for a transparent woman to do things never seen before." +"Lego So two Minifigures were connected","They couldn't lego" +"Why was Chewbacca suspicous when he hugged Princess Leya","Because she was Luke warm" +"I used to be against vaccines. But recently","I figured they're worth a shot" +"I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday","Not only is it terrible, it's terrible!" +"I keep applying to carpentry school, and they keep rejecting me","I don’t think they like my stool samples" +"Why does an asteroid taste better than a comet","Because it's meteor" +"Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows. No","They're making headlines all over the place" +"I'm surprised nobody has made this post yet. [this](https://almatcboykin. files. wordpress. com/2016/07/4f322-img_4204","jpg)" +"Dadjoked by an apprentice at work Kid walks into work with a slick new trim and I ask him you get a hair cut. he quickly turned around with a cheeky grin and said nah, I got all of them cut","God knows how long he was waiting to say that" +"Our local bakery is profiting so much","Only because they're all about the dough" +"I was sitting in a class about fractions, and someone said they were leaving early. I responded I guess you can say he was only here for a fraction of the class","my classmates are not happy with me" +"What are the unspoken rules of sign language","All of them" +"What is Tim Burton's favourite measurement","Johnny Depth" +"If at the end of a Scrabble game you are stuck with the letters D and O","I suggest you make do" +"what do people from Alabama use for porn","OnlyFam" +"A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants The bartender says to him What is that thing doing in there, isn't that annoying","To which the pirate replies, Yaargh, it's drivin' me nuts" +"Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are unfaithful","Now I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend" +"I've been investing heavily in chicken, beef, and vegetable stocks","I hope to become a bouillionaire one day" +"My das just dropped this one on me There's going to be an eclipse in August. Don't look at it with a naked eye","Make sure you're wearing clothes" +"Got the wife in my sleep *Wife wakes up. * **Wife:** That was the worst night's sleep I've ever had. **Me:** And the worst part is, it's not over yet. *Rolls over and goes back to sleep","* The wife began her roll out of bed with her eyes" +"Whats longer than forever","5ever" +"I was walking home from a thunderstorm one night","I was wondering where lightning came from, and then it struck me" +"What do you call Muslim chili peppers","Halalapenos" +"A brewery in Finland is selling 1000 packs of beer now","Sounds like it'd be difficult to Finnish" +"What’s so special about bullets","They’re the only thing that do their job after they’re fired" +"Not so much a joke as much as it is fatherly appreciation. Throwback from my teens [That one time my dad REALLY wanted the lawn mowed](http://m. imgur","com/bvREsuR)" +"If your ever feeling cold","Just turn the corner, it’s 90 degrees" +"My boy was in the kitchen eating some snacks. I asked him “what‘s that you’re eating. he said “summer sausage. ” “Oh yeah","” And what are the rest of them" +"Can a dadjoke be PG-13. I don't see why not. So, my wife and I decided to move this freestanding shelf thing to our dining area. However, we have wood floors, so pretty much anything that's put there (table, chairs) has to have these felt pads on the bottom so it doesn't scratch up the floor. Even if this won't get moved around much, if at all, I felt better about putting the pads on the bottom of this shelf as well, just in case. My wife has been bugging me to do it for a while, but you know, laziness. Finally, earlier tonight, I cut the felt sheets to size, stuck them on the shelf, and put it where it belongs. When I was done, I called my wife over. I'm in bed. It'll be quick, I promise. *groan* You don't even have to come downstairs, you can see it from the hallway outside the bedroom door. Finally she came out, with a this had better be good look on her face. I pointed to the shelf, and proudly declared that I felt up this rack","Worth it" +"Did you hear that the founder of SpaceX is launching his own perfume brand","Elon's Musk" +"What kind of learning institute is in a hallway","A foyer college" +"What happened to the crows that unsuccessfully tried to form a flock","[OC] They were charged with attempted murder" +"My IQ test result just came in and I’m really relieved","Thank God it came back negative" +"I’ve got some good news and. I’ve got some bad news","The good news is there’s no bad news, the bad news is there’s no good news." +"dadcombo *shared a classic dadjoke to SO*, who was the first person to use the ctrl-c shortcut: Moses wow","cant handle sorry i didnt come with handle bars you need to stop reading dadjokes, youre going to the darkside you mean the dadside *uncontrollable laughter" +"What's a pirates favorite form of entertainment","Arrrrr rated films" +"Dentist:. Open up please. Me: sometime. I get sad and","I don't know why" +"My friend fell and told me that she couldn’t stand up. I said “Why not","It’s a great movie" +"I went to my doctor because I had some abdomen pain","He confirmed “it looks you have acute appendicitis” I replied “That doesn’t sound very cute to ME, doc" +"Knee Surgery I was shopping with one of my friends who had just gotten knee surgery the day before and her entire leg was swollen from the operation. We met up with my girlfriend and she asked my friend how her leg was. I beat my friend to answering and replied just swell","Judging by the reaction I guess it was too soon but I did get a laugh from a woman working at the store" +"Make me tea I asked my boyfriend for tea this morning. He pulled my arms out to the sides and said: There. You're T","(He'll be such a great dad)" +"2 year old daughter got me today Me: want to go with me to pick up your sister from school","Her: she's too heavy This child is learning too fast" +"I used to work in a shoe recycling shop","It was sole destroying" +"My son had a dictionary in his pocket, so","I said… Look at you, smarty pants!" +"What do you call a gay milk man","Dairy Queen" +"How does French Super Mario tell his fortune","L’ouija board" +"What’s a cat’s favourite type of cheese","String cheese" +"What type of cheese do basketball players eat","SWISH cheese" +"Need advice: My 16-year old son is a beach bum who failed his Trig test today He brought it home for me to sign. I guess his tan is more important to him. Help","How do I be square with him" +"I bought a wooden guard dog","His bark is worse than his bite" +"Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me","It means a lot" +"My Daughter told me she met Darth Vader's wife today. She said her name is Ella","Ella Vader" +"What is red. And smells just like blue paint","Red paint" +"How often do DJs like to party","Every unce in a while" +"Two parrots sat on a perch. One says to the other Do you smell fish","&#x200B; Credit to my partner who's dad used this as his go to joke in her youth" +"i was told abbreviating words would make me look cool, so i replied with","OK" +"What's a Dad joke to save until you're dead I was thinking of telling my kids that I have to wait to tell you the greatest dad joke ever and finally when I have passed my Will shall leave a key to my kids and a safe that opens with the key","They open it and see a 10 pound dumbbell over a piece of paper and on that piece of paper it states Greatest Dad Joke Ever" +"What do you call hitlers grandma","A grama nazi" +"The workers installing a new doorknob in my house put it in incorrectly. They said anyone could’ve made that mistake","If you ask me, the whole thing was just badly handled" +"My girlfriend told me I was fucking stupid","I told her she was just clever in her own way" +"My job is making sure that the cow weighing scales are accurate","You could say my position is tare-a-bull" +"If any of you single *fellas here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do: On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring","On the other hand, you don’t" +"CSI Red Pepper What do you call it when a chickpea smashes another to death","Hummuscide" +"What's the difference between a Stalker and a Private Investigator","The Private Investigator get's paid, and the stalker is pursuing his passion" +"We are going over a draw bridge. -My Wife","Sure hope they didn't erase it" +"Dad joked into next week This happened moments ago. I was kneading pizza dough and my dad walked past the kitchen","Then, without hesitation he asks I suppose you need that then For fucks sake dad" +"Telling dad jokes since birth I though I was just funny. Turns out, I'm not funny, I've just been preparing for dadhood my worth life. The first dad joke I told was in the third grade. Kid next to me: I think I'm done. Me: You're not dumb. Kid: Yes I am. Me while laughing hysterically: I guess you are. I wasn't popular","At least now I have a kid" +"I learned how to draw an isometric the other day, but it didn’t work out","I tried coming at it from a different angle, but it looked really sketchy" +"Why doesn't the witch want to go to the beach. Because she's afraid she might turn into a sandwich. Told by my 5 yo. Said he thought of it himself","I'm a proud granddad" +"You can't have Molasses","until you've had some lasses Just wanted to say that this dad joke has been passed down through four generations of dads, me being the fifth once I have a kid" +"What's a mathematician's favorite fruit","A pi-neapple" +"My daughter has no sense of humor. Her: Dad, what rhymes with heroic. Me: No, it doesn't","She was not amused" +"Dadjokes at Disney World In line for a ride, my elder daughter had been acting up a bit. When the cast member asked me the number in our party, I said pi","At the curious look, I explained that she was a little irrational today" +"You know what sucks","A vacuum" +"I dad joked a cop My next door neighbor is a cop. The other day, while I was walking out to my car, I saw him standing nearby. He's a nice guy, so I thought it'd be appropriate--I certainly wasn't going to miss the opportunity. I reeled him in with, Excuse me, sir. why do you smell so bad. As expected, he turned around and glared at me, slightly confused. I almost started laughing, nearly giving it away. But somehow I remained cool. Are you on duty. Next his facial expression transitioned into total confusion, and then he started laughing a bit, saying that I got him","I felt like such a dad in that moment (even though I'm an 18-year-old girl)" +"What is red and very bad for your teeth","A brick" +"How do you kill a BLUE elephant. Shoot it with a BLUE elephant gun. How do you kill a PINK elephant","Hold it's nose until it turns blue then shoot it with a BLUE elephant gun" +"It ruined our cuddling time. Me: Have I told you I love you today. Wife: Yes, but it's nice to hear","Me: I love you today" +"What do you call a shrub growing underwater","A shrub-marine" +"I remember my hardest class being one on the history of soda","Our teacher only gave us pop quizzes" +"There was a disturbance at the local prison last night, and I saw a midget escaping. As he was climbing over the wall, he sneered at me before dropping to the floor","I thought to myself Well that's a little condescending" +"How do toads open presents","They ribbit" +"What did the bear say after hibernation","I’m bearly awake" +"What did the geologist call his favorite rock","Favor-ite" +"My wife warned me that if I take another picture of her, she’ll be furious","That’s when I snapped" +"Have you heard about the corduroy pillow trend","It's making headlines" +"How much food will 64 dollars get you","Eight square meals" +"Dad joked while doing a crossword. My mom was doing a crossword over breakfast with my dad at the dining room table and I overheard her asking him for help on one of the clues. 'Uplifted' is the clue. Could it be something like 'elified'. She asked. Dad quickly replies, 'El-if-I know. God. My mom groans. I almost spit the milk I was drinking out","He doesn't make dad jokes often, so it took me by surprise :)" +"What do fish stress out about","Current events" +"Double negatives","Double negatives are a real no-no" +"To the thief who stole my pillow,know this","I will not rest until i find you" +"My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart","It was like love meant nothing to her" +"My dad is pretty proud of this one. Dad: Hey Shinynewbike. Me: Yeah pops. Dad: I made up a new word. Me: And what word is that","Dad: Plagiarism" +"What did the bears wife say when he brought home dinner","“Honey, we’ve had that every night this week”" +"My coworker spent his life savings inventing a Tootherang, it's a boomerang combined with dentures","I hope it doesn't come back to bite him" +"Today I learned that Albert Einstein was a real person","I had always thought he was just a theoretical physicist" +"How do you make soup gold","you add 24 carrots" +"What kind of whale makes the best lawyer","A habeas porpoise" +"My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. “We had sex education today, dad and you lied to me. You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die","” I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said… “Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will" +"My dentist removed the wrong tooth","It was accidental" +"What do you call a sneezing robot","AhChoo-D2" +"A family gathers around their father who is very old and sick. Daughter, are you here. Son. Where is my brother. Is everyone here in this room with me now. Yes Dad we're all here. Your entire family is here in this room","Then why is the hallway light on" +"Damn. I heard about this one cult, but it’s really hard to get into","I guess you could say it’s pretty diffi-cult." +"I'm trying to come up with a good steak joke","But it's a rare medium, well done😔" +"What do you call a FIFA whistleblower. A referee ^^[Source](http://www. reddit","com/r/worldnews/comments/38w9di/qatar_to_be_stripped_of_2022_world_cup_fifa/crydehx)" +"So I met this girl at a Bernie Sanders rally a while ago and ended up spending the night at her place A couple weeks later, she calls me and tells me I should get myself checked","Apparently, she was feeling the burn" +"What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs. Floating in a pond. Bob. Hanging on a wall. Art. In a pot on the stove. Stu. Who's all scratched up. Nick. Who got into a fight with a cat and lost. Claude. Who's a bartender. Phil. Lying in front of a door. Matt. Who's a public speaker. Mike. Who's deathly white. Paul. Who works out every day. Jim. Who's in the bathroom","Lou" +"She's too mature for that kind of joke. [True story] On Tuesday I asked my daughter a silly question. She looked at me funny and I asked, What. Were you born yesterday. Baby girl was born Monday. I wore that prideful grin while my wife groaned. But now","my sweet baby's outgrown the joke :(" +"What do get when you cross a boat a cat and a monkey","Catamarangatang" +"Have you heard the joke about the airplane. Never mind","it will just fly over your head" +"The key to a good mailman joke","is the delivery" +"What did the letter O say to the letter Q","Dude your dick's hanging out" +"My dad at a restaurant We were at a chinese place and we ate everything but a few vegetables. My mom asked if we should bring anything home. My dad asked the waiter for a take home container for the glasses of water It was hilarious. But in text doesn't seem as funny. Fuck it","I'm posting this anyways" +"Why is getting up @ 4am like a pig's tail","Because it's twirly" +"Purple is my favorite color. I like it","More than red and blue combined." +"My wife beat me at my own game today Wife: Hey, I came up with an idea. Bed sheets that have one big pocket at the bottom to tuck your legs into so they never get cold. I'll call them. Feeted Sheets","Me: *wiping tear from eye* Perfection" +"Why don't eggs tell jokes","Because they would crack each other up" +"I've almost completed a crossword. I was wondering if you could help me, I told this girl on the train. I just need one more word. Six letters. another word for 'material'. She said, That's fabric. It's pretty great, isn't it. I replied","But my name isn't Rick" +"I dreamt that I was drowning in an ocean of orange soda","Turned out to be a Fanta sea" +"A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some chapstick","The bartender says, that'll be $1 The duck says Ok, put it on my bill" +"Why did the lettuce blush. Because it saw the salad dressing","Shout out my dad for making fantastic jokes and repeating them >100 times" +"What do you call a jerk starfish. A son of a beach","Im so sorry" +"Babe can you move over. But I don't have mushroom. https://pbs. twimg. com/media/C1YAA2xXAAE0Tcx","jpg" +"I lost my whole. Lord of. The. Rings. Lego set. Now. I'm","Legoless" +"I asked my Dad if I could have pets and he refused","He said that pets are just a step backward" +"What are the strongest days","Saturday and Sunday because the others are week days" +"Did you hear about the wookie cookie","Well I've heard it's kinda chewy" +"As my wife is cooking. WIFE: (Reading instructions) Crush the garlic. ME: Here, I'll help. (To Garlic) You'll never make it in Hollywood. You're too short to be an actor","WIFE: I dislike you" +"A hispanic magician tells his audience he will vanish on the count of three. he counts, uno, dos, then disappears without a tres","Saw this somewhere online, thought it belonged here" +"So I told my son the worst thing about defeat is","de smell" +"Dad joke upon checkout in retail Store clerk: Can I get an email address. Me: Sure. Go to gmail. com and click “register","” You can make up pretty much anything you want" +"How did the sheep stop the crook","Shear wool power" +"Why did the moon hide itself when it cried","It was in mourning" +"A guy walks into a zoo but the only thing in it is a dog. It’s. A","Shitzu" +"6:30 is the best time,","Hands down!" +"GF hit me with this one Me: Oh look, honey. There's a stray cat. Hello Mr. Cat. Cat: (ignores) GF: Wow that was rude. Guess he's used to getting","catcalled" +"My dad adopted a puppy today and wants to name him ‘Stay’","That way he can spend all day saying “Come, Stay”, “Go, Stay”, “Fetch, Stay” and “Stay, Stay”" +"What the definition of a will","It's a dead giveaway" +"A woman gave birth to a head: no arms, no legs, no torso. They named it Rary as this was so rare. Rary was not happy and constantly swore. Having enough, the family goes to the Grand Canyon and toss Rary in","As they look over the edge, the mother comments: It's a Long, Long Way to Tipperary" +"I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage","I lost my case" +"What is the least spoken language in the world","Sign language" +"A fastidious fry cook at a local friend chicken joint had a different cutting board for every part of the chicken. One day he decided to get a whole new set of cutting boards from Acme Board Co. However, while doing prep for all-you-can-eat hotwings night, he dropped one of the boards and it shattered","He said, Well, back to the old raw wing board" +"Waitress: Waitress: My name's Blue Ann if you need anything","Brother: What's your name if we don't need anything" +"What do you call the owner of a bicycle store","A spokesperson" +"When birds are flying in a V, why is one line always longer","There are more birds in that line" +"Did you hear about the sprite can that jumped into the can crusher","I hear he was soda pressed" +"NSFW (. ) Dad jokes I made with my wife last night Me: I know I'm always the big spoon and you're always the little spoon but I'd like to do something unusual tonight. Her: What. Me: Fork you &nbsp; Her: Do you have a boner. Me: Oh, you know what they say about boners. Her: What","Me: They come and go" +"Did you hear about the cow who flew away in the tornado","What a udder disaster" +"Post Op Dad Joke I called my dad the day after he had major back surgery and asked him how he felt","His response: With my hands" +"Always happy What kind of people are always happy","Nomads" +"Me: how about we both decide to go to the carnival","Date: that's fair" +"Dad joked my wife. She got me back. Driving to the store with my wife, we had this conversation. Her: We just have to get milk, eggs, and some other staple foods. Me: Maybe that's why your stomach is always hurting. Her: What do you mean. Me: Because you eat staples","Her: Yeah, gotta keep my shit together somehow" +"I wouldn't want a job working at a glue factory. Because","I'd probably get stuck working there." +"Toyota drops his car keys","So Mercedes-Benz over to pick them up" +"What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday","Aye matey" +"Look, I hate waiting in lines as much as the next guy","Actually, he probably hates it slightly more" +"A woman told me she recognised me from the vegetarian club. But","I'd never met herbivore." +"Dad joke my dad used to tell me. old joke A Japanese auto company was looking for a name for their new company. Knowing the importance for the name they called the famous German marketing firm and flew him out for a meeting. At the end of the presentation the Japanese CEO asked if he had any questions. The German: How quickly do you need the new name Japanese CEO: 48 hours German: Dat-Soon","Ba da ba Yes it was a groaner Edit: formatting fell through" +"What did the alphabet say to the letter Q","You're a weird-O" +"If Brazil nuts come from Brazil. I don't wanna know where peanuts come from","(this joke only works orally)" +"I gave my kid cheap deli meat for lunch. After eating a whole bunch, he said I'm hungry","I replied, you're full of balogna." +"My therapist handed me a brochure on anger management yesterday","I just lost it" +"Did you hear about the circus fire","It was intents" +"I've been told I have a really cheesy sense of humor","but personally I think it's really Gouda (Helps to read with Canadian accent)" +"My son's ant colony died and he wanted me to say something at their funeral","I said restaurants" +"Got my kids at breakfast with a solid one. My wife makes a great Dutch baby (She happens to be Dutch herself, so the obvious jokes fly around. For the unfamiliar, [this](https://i. ytimg. com/vi/kyxEFj7bgHI/maxresdefault. jpg) is a Dutch baby, and it's awesome. ) So my kids are all expectantly sitting at the table when she sets down the piping hot cast-iron pan full of delectable pastry. *Nine year old son:* I love Dutch baby. It comes out super hot. *Me:* Yeah, just about womb temperature","*Cue groans and eye-rolls from all family members" +"Why did the tomato blush","Because it saw the salad dressing" +"Just got back from seeing. Warcraft:. The. Beginning","WOW" +"My friend. David lost his. ID. He's just","Dave now" +"Where did Noah store the bees","The Ark Hives" +"This past weekend I spent several hours making intricate little miniature watches for each of my fingers","That's when I realized I had too much time on my hands" +"Did you hear about the couple that won the hide and seek world championship","Their names are Luke and Heidi" +"What religion is Chewbacca. He is *Chew-ish","* (Took this from a friend)" +"I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me","I’m dead Sirius" +"Husband packed toddlers lunch for preschool and we’re low on groceries. “What did you pack for him. Did you get the turkey, cheese, raspberries and cucumber we had left in the fridge. “ “Yep” “Cool beans. ” “No, no beans","” He was so proud of himself" +"To the person who stole my. Microsoft. Word,. I will find you. You have my","Word" +"After one bedtime story a son asks his father, “Another story, Daddy. ” The father replies. “Ok, but after that, no more","Remember: we live in a two-storey house" +"What do cat hitmen say when before they kill someone","It’s nothing purrsonale" +"A man forgot his keys but managed to open his car door with just his pants. How","He was wearing khakis" +"What do you call a fish with a medical degree","A sturgeon general" +"I took a picture of my son when he was tired. http://i. imgur. com/bTb1QMQ","jpg" +"You ever tried to cut the legs off of a dolphin","It defeats the porpoise" +"Did you hear that Sponge Bob broke up with his girlfriend","He's back to square one" +"What's red and smells like blue paint","Red paint" +"Why is the thorn bush the rastafarian's favorite plant","Because it pokey mon'" +"dad: Ok- see you on the first. anyone: the first of what. dad: first chance I get. ::dad laugh:: my father actually uses this to anyone from cashier at store to contractor/vendors he uses","smh" +"Why should you never make an award shaped like a feline rear end","It's always a cat-as-trophe" +"What's the best time to go see the dentist","Tooth-hurty" +"I bought a dog from a blacksmiths today","As soon as i was home,he made a bolt for the door" +"Me: Someone said you sound like an owl Friend: who Me: Exactly. Credits to friend who did it on me","Still angry" +"It’s hard to explain things to kleptomaniacs","Because they always take things literally." +"my boss loves to set me up to say the punchline of a great dad-joke I love my boss. every few months, my boss and i find ourselves in the break room with a couple other people. He will take a sip of his freshly-poured coffee and loudly say, ugh, this coffee tastes like MUD . and then he looks at me expectantly . and I dutifully reply that's because it was just GROUND this morning","The other people within earshot hate us when they realize they have been tag-team dad-joked" +"I had an idea for a boomerang joke. Oh well","It will come back to me" +"I tried to explain my friend how balls bounce","It went over his head" +"P Boiling Water","You will be mist" +"What did the buffalo say to his son when he went to college","Bison" +"A trillion neutrinos walk into a bar","One says ouch" +"If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for","Plastic explosives" +"What's water squared","Ice cube" +"Just a reminder, Father’s Day is Sunday","Not this Sunday, but it is on a Sunday this year" +"The Peanuts kids had to choose a country out of hat for a book report. Peppermint Patty: I got France. Linus: I got Spain","Charlie Brown: I got Iraq" +"What would you call chickens on parade","A fowl movement" +"Why do eskimos wash their clothes in Tide","It's too cold to wash them out-tide" +"Ever since I've needed a wheelchair, my wife has been so rude","She's been pushing me around and talking behind my back" +"How do Pirates treat sunburn","ALOE, POPPET" +"“You see, doctor, I’m always dizzy for half an hour after I get up in the morning,” I have the solution for you, replied the doctor. Really, what is it","“Well, try getting up half an hour later" +"An old lady walks into her bank and asks the teller Hey sonny, can you check my balance","So he pushed her over" +"I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon","I’ll let you know" +"What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe","Kilometer Cyrus" +"What are the two most profane bones in the human body","The blas*femur*s" +"Oh geez it's late. Lettuce go home","said the salad" +"What did the banana do after he got into his car","He PEELED out" +"What's a ghost's favorite data type","Boolean" +"What do you call a snobish criminal going down the stairs","A condescending con descending" +"Brother's video card died from listening to too much. Pandora","Radio killed the video card" +"Why do scuba divers roll backwards into the water","because if they rolled forward, they'd just go back into the boat" +"I think I was just dad joked by Siri [Siri, make a note of the current time](https://i. redd. it/yendsag8mmbz","jpg)" +"Junes Over","Julying" +"T-Rex was upset that nobody would swipe right","Dating is tough for online predators" +"Did you hear what happened to the guy who lost the whole left side of his body","He's allright now" +"What do you call a denim clad Frenchman","Jean Jaquette" +"Did you hear about the pasta chef who couldn't make it as a clown","He came up with 2 fusilli ideas" +"A dadjoke for my mom's ceramics. My mother runs a ceramic shop, and she was painting a bald eagle. She called me to the shop to ask me how she should paint a certain portion of the feathers","Just wing it, Ma" +"I was typing an essay and the words looked really annoyed","They may be suffering from irritable vowel syndrome" +"what the difference between a snowman and a snowoman","the snow balls" +"My daughter: Dad is there veal in the meatloaf","Me: No, just a little beef" +"How does Moses make his tea","Hebrews it" +"To whom ever stole my Microsoft Office. I will find you","You have my Word" +"Dad joked anyone who gave the kid Halloween candy When they answered the door to give him candy, I had him say MERRY CHRISTMAS. or HAPPY NEW YEAR. and I'm allergic to candy, do you have any sardines. He also stood facing away from the door for some. He got a lot of laughs, a door slammed in his face and an offer for spicy mustard sardines. Video: Halloween dad joke: http://youtu. be/Mp3IBlZnfFw (Forgive the vertical","I was trying to be discrete so not to contaminate the proceedings" +"Dadjoked my new hr rep. As a fellow ginger she came to me today and introduced herself. Not feeling so well. I politely declined her handshake. Explained that the stomach bug had gotten me. She proceeded to say it was nice to meet a fellow ginger, and followed with you should drink some ginger tea to help with your stomach. To which I replied, Can't. That would be cannibalism. Took her a second","Then a guffaw" +"Did you hear about the Italian chef who died","He pasta way" +"If I had a Stable, I would be careful about my horses after sunset","If one of them escaped after sunset, It would be a nightmare" +"Man, Warren Buffet is so goddamned rich","Every time I go to one of his restaurants they let you eat whatever you want" +"My sisters were talking about shaving. She said she wanted the smooth porpoiselike skin of a dolphin. I said that seemed a bit redundant, saying you want the porpoiselike skin of what is essentially a porpoise. Then I followed it up with","***It's a bit of a porpoiseless statement***" +"I watched. A. Quiet. Place for the first time","I was left speechless" +"What’s Irish and sits on your porch","Patio Furniture" +"What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo","One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" +"Two. Parallel. Lines walked in a bar","They never met each other" +"My dad pulled this classic a minute ago (Waiter) Will we be needing a gluten free menu this evening. (Dad) Why would I care if the menu is gluten free. It's not like I'm going to eat it","(Groans ensue)" +"A pregnant woman falls into a deep coma Months later she wakes up, and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: Don't worry, they're just fine. You had twins, a boy and a girl, and your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother. He's an idiot. What did he name them. Doctor: Well, the girl is called Denise. Woman: Oh, that's not not too bad. What about the boy","Doctor: Denephew" +"Did you here about the kidnapping at school","It's okay, he woke up" +"Girlfriend dad joked me at her birthday supper. So we were out at a restaurant for her birthday and we're both teasing each other. She got in a really good zinger on me and with no comeback I grabbed the salt shaker and put a very small amount of salt on her fries as a joke","She puts down her fork and with a completely series face says I'm inSALTed" +"What was the name of the werewolf YouTuber","Lycan Subscribe" +"This morning my cat puked on my desk about 4 from my seiko","I saw it and quickly shouted Not on my watch" +"OBGYN : “Hello,. I’m the doctor that is going to deliver your baby”. Father : “","Actually doctor, we would like for him to keep his liver”" +"A furniture store keeps calling me. All","I wanted was one night stand." +"Time for an impression. Here is my impression on an extractor fan","I used to like tractors but I don't any more" +"Nearly all the funniest jokes at Edinburgh Fringe is dad jokes The winner and the 9 runner ups: I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets * Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy - Richard Stott * What's driving Brexit. From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh - Milton Jones * A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows' - Jake Lambert * A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it - Ross Smith * Sleep is my favourite thing in the world","It's the reason I get up in the morning - Ross Smith * I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it - Adele Cliff * After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford * To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian - Mark Simmons * I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts - Ivo Graham" +"A Man Walks Into A Bar. That is the mark of a good joke. A man walks into a bar. The bartender says to him, If you can jump and reach the meat hanging from the ceiling, everyone here will get free drinks for an hour. If you miss, you have to pay for everyone's drinks for an hour. After thinking it over for a while, the man says, I can't do it","The **Steaks** are to high" +"What do you call a pony with a sore throat","A little hoarse" +"My mom got me good Amazing Race spoilers, if it matters. This week's episode was in Dubai, and we were watching the part where they were racing camels. The finish line says Finish with what I assume to be the Arabic word for finish underneath it. My mom turns to me and goes, That's not Finnish, that's Arabic","I still have a headache from how hard my hand hit my head" +"Monday,. Tuesday,. Wednesday,. Thursday,. Friday,. Saturday,. Sunday","Those were the days..." +"A woman left a man for because he was always counting","She doesn't know what he's up to now" +"I dig, you dig, he dig, she dig, we dig, they dig","It’s not a very good poem but it’s very deep" +"What's the one thing a woman doesn't want to find in her Christmas stocking on Christmas morning","Her husband" +"Tim: What should we call these wooden beams. Jim: How about Jimber","Tim: I’ve got a better idea" +"I should really be a dad for this one. So a few of us guys and some gals are working at a site for a university show. A couple of the girls wanted to learn how to use power tools, so we taught them. After a few minutes, one of the girls says: girl: wow this really is a lot of work just for a hole. to which I reply: THAT'S WHAT IV'E BEEN SAYING. everyone laughed, but I sincerely felt bad for that one","thought you guys might get a kick outta it too" +"Why did the banana always stare at his reflection","Because he thought he was very apPEELing" +"My wife said something that meant a lot to me","She said a distinct portion or section of land" +"What's the bear minimum","One bear" +"The first million people to send me a million dollars, will get a copy of my guide","Of how to become a millionaire from Reddit" +"As my son was heading out to go camping, I advised him, If you need to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, make sure they’re the same","Then you’ll have a match" +"So I heard you live in an old funeral home. My mom and her boyfriend recently bought an old funeral home and are renovating it to turn it into a house. While out to dinner with some extended family, my mom's boyfriend's 2nd cousin says, so I heard you live in a funeral home. that's interesting to which his aunt replies, yeah, we've all been DYING to come visit","Classic" +"What happened when Pirate Captain Bluebeard fell into the Red Sea","He got marooned" +"My daughter always asks me where Timbuktu is I keep telling her","It's right in-between Timbuk-One and Timbuk-Three" +"Hey r/dadjokes what's up","The ceiling" +"I caught my Princess's reaction to a Dad Joke on camera, it's priceless. Link in the body. [Link. ](http://i. imgur. com/Nb1ti","jpg)" +"I love how the earth rotates;","It really makes my day." +"I recently converted to. Islam. I’m","Allah ‘bout it." +"Isn’t the Grand Canyon","Just gorges" +"Good One Dad Me: Dad why do you think our nose runs when it's cold. Dad: Because it's way too cold to walk","Sigh*" +"I'm going outside","So if anyone needs me, tell them I'm outsanding" +"A man threw some steak into a church","Everyone exclaimed, holy cow" +"Why did he fly on the toilet seat leave","He got pissed off" +"When does a joke become a dad-joke","When the punchline becomes apparent" +"What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi","The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do" +"Got a new ISP, so decided to have some fun when people ask 'what's the wifi password. ' 'Its for security' 'haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password. 'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case. I've had six or seven victims so far, and it's still just as funny as the first time. The only blip was when the wife didn't even blink, and just entered it first time","She knows me too well" +"My mom's a teacher, and my dad hit the jackpot [This magnet](http://www. broadbentgifts. com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/18065. jpg) went up on our fridge a few days ago","Honey, what does that say" +"My dad says he knows exactly who will win the presidential election","The one with the most votes" +"Why are pirates so smart","They just ARRRRRRRRRRRR" +"A family of buffalo are sending their boy off to kindergarten. The teary-eyed mom is hugging her kid","Dad just waves and says, Bison" +"What has 18 legs and catches flies","A baseball team" +"My wife asked me to skin the potatoes","I granted her a peel" +"Why did the protractor marry the calculator","It was a math made in heaven" +"This sub in a nutshell https://i. redd. it/yombp5uniha11","jpg" +"I had a friend who got a job with NASA","She's really going to rock it" +"Nowadays, every time I tell a joke, my wife tries to hit me","She doesn’t strike me as the funny type" +"Iron Man and The Silver Surfer are teaming up for the next movie","They will be alloys" +"It might be too soon to joke about the tragic flood in. Oroville,. California but","I just don't give a dam." +"I see says the blind man","As he picked up a hammer and saw" +"Darko strikes again Darko is my dad and he's known for his horrible puns. He thought of this one while I was folding laundry: > Me: Ughhh. > Darko: What's wrong. > Me: I just can't find the other socks in these pairs. > Darko: Wow. I guess you could say","THAT SOCKS" +"I was with my parents at a family party when they served up some ice cream cake. I got a slice and walked up to my parents. Me: Is this ice cream cake. Dad: yeah. Me: Then why aren't I screaming","- I've never seen my parents roll their eyes so hard" +"Eating fish makes you smarter ## You’ve heard that eating fish makes you smarter. Well, here’s the proof. A customer at the local grocery store marveled at the proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence. “Tell me, what makes you so smart. ” he asked the owner. “I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone,” came the reply. Then, lowering his voice so the other shoppers wouldn’t hear, he continued. “But since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant. ” “You sell them here. ” the customer asked. “Only $4 apiece,” said the grocer. The customer quickly bought three. A week later, he was back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he wasn’t any smarter. “You didn’t eat enough,” replied the store owner, and the customer went home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he was back and this time he was really angry. “Hey,” he said, “You’re selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. You’re ripping me off. ” “You see. ” replied the grocer","“You’re smarter already" +"I was told that I would never be a good sports announcer because I’m from Idaho. They told me it’s because I’m just a common-tater","(Told by my father-in-law)" +"Why do boaters always misbehave","Because they always give in to pier pressure" +"Why did I hire myself a one armed Butler","Serves me right" +"I think animal testing is a terrible idea.","they get all nervous and give the wrong answers" +"I hate Russian dolls","They're so full of themselves" +"What is the name for the medical procedure in which caviar is harvested","Sturgery" +"A dad joke from my mum Guy on science documentary: microwaves travel at the speed of light. Mum: fucking hell, that's impressive","Microwaves are heavy" +"What is a geneticist's favorite piece of clothing","Genes" +"Tried to take a selfie in the shower this morning. Turns out","I have selfie-steam issues." +"Facebook got me today with this post http://imgur","com/7acmyVs I can't believe they waited a whole year for that" +"My 3 year old son got the daycare lady with this one the other day while talking about spending the weekend with my parents at their lake house. Daycare Lady: does your Grandpa have a house on the lake","Son (with a serious face): no his house is on the grass" +"Here's a small tip to improve your dad jokes http://i. imgur. com/dDfMib2","png" +"Last week I went to a restaurant on the moon","The food is great but there is no atmosphere" +"My son just asked me to take off his shoes","I told him that I'm not wearing them" +"What are the strongest days of the week","Saturday and Sunday, the rest are week days" +"I can't stop saying it. The only place to work out in my small town is at a local hotel that has a gym, pool, steam room and hot tub. Without a membership, you pay for each service individually. I've been a couple of times and the staff at the service counter recognize me and know that I only go to work out. The conversation goes as follows: Counter person: Gym. Me: No, I'm Ben","It feels so good every time" +"Every restaurant we'd go to. Back when me and my siblings were all around 10 years old and smoking was still allowed in restaurants, the hostess would ask smoking or non","And every time my dad would turn to us and ask are you gonna smoke" +"My tailor was happy to fix my ripped shirt","or sew it seams" +"My doctor thanked me for submitting the minimum amount of feces for my stool sample. I told him it was the least","I could doo" +"What did the tectonic plates say to each other when there was an earthquake","It was your fault" +"My wife just got me bad. Watching TV and some show has a commercial on and it says catch up now OnDemand. I'm only half paying attention to it when my wife looks at me and is like but what if I want mustard","EDIT: Removed accidental extra word" +"I love goat cheese","After all, it is the greatest of all time" +"A sandwich walk in to a bar","The bartender says: Sorry, we don't serve food here." +"How do you know Santa is good at karate","He has a black belt" +"I was sick the other day My wife came in the bedroom with soup and asked how do you feel","I responded With my hands" +"My dad was a seismologist","He could never get a steady job" +"Why didn't the skeleton go to the prom","Because he didn't have anybody to go with" +"All the Pringle ladies, all the Pringle ladies. All the Pringle ladies, all the Pringle ladies","They get their hands STUCK" +"Wanna hear a joke about a jump rope","Ehhh, skip it" +"Talking about McDonald's. Me: You know they have a Cajun quarter pounder now","Dad: I don't know if I'd like it, maybe on occajun" +"When my wife said she'd had enough of my dad jokes. I told her not to worry because I was all out of jokes. I was completely joke broke","In fact, you could say I was punniless" +"Are you today's date","Because you're 10/10" +"What genre are national anthems. Country","🤣" +"One of my buddies living in Tel Aviv just got evicted","The struggle Israel" +"Dad got my sister who went LARPing over the weekend My sister went to a LARP over the weekend as a bard and brought her ukulele. My dad had this to say when she got back You know, you better be careful running around the woods with your ukulele","You could get minstrel cramps" +"My battery died when I was recording my wife giving a toast at her parents’ 50th wedding anniversary","Now I’m never going to hear the end of it" +"What do you call a room that's full of fungus","A mushroom" +"*holds up my fingers* Me: How many numbers am I holding up. Them: Seven","Me: No ya doofus I'm holding up fingers" +"Orthopedicians are bad at poker","They don’t care about your hand" +"A rite of passage. Meet James and Sasha, both 23, in a serious relationship and madly in love. James is worried about children, as he knows there is an honourable history of dad jokes in his family, and he is not sure he can live up to these great expectations. One night, whilst doing the deed, the condom breaks. They are both scared but after a couple weeks and no sign of pregnancy, they go back to their normal lives, and James goes back to worrying about parenthood. After returning home from work one night, James finds a tearful Sasha on the front doorstep. He sits next to her to ask what's wrong. 'Honey. ' She replies. 'I'm pregnant. ' James wipes a tear from his eye, and smiles proudly. 'Hello pregnant","I'm dad" +"You know why vampires are so conceited","They've got no self-reflection" +"Little late, but I think /r/dadjokes would like to see a list of my New Years resolutions 1. 1920 x 1080 (tower PC) 2. 1366 x 768 (chromebook) 3. 1080p (TV) 4. 1024 x 600 (tablet) 5","360 x 480 (phone)" +"What’s a group of homosexual lions called","Gay pride" +"Two men on a bus back from Disney World Two men on a bus back from Disney World saw signs for the nearby town of Kissimmee. Being They debated whether it is pronounced KISSimmee or kissIMMee. Things got heated so they agreed to ask when they stopped for lunch the cashier. After approaching the cashier, one man asks, “Could you please very slowly and clearly tell us where we are","” The cashier looks at him and says “Buuurrrgggerr Kiiiinggghh" +"Asked my dad if he could turn the light off when he left the room","I'd be delighted" +"Four year-old nephew loves me more Dropping my nephew off after a day of hanging out: Him: I love you, auntie. Me: I love you, too. Him: I love you ten. I didn't get it or laugh until I was half way down the street","I'm also going to steal a 4 year-old's joke" +"How do potatoes get to the moon","They fly in space-chips" +"This toilet paper is terrible","A real pain in my ass" +"How did cavemen meet cavewomen","They went out clubbing" +"Got dadjoked by my dad after I dadjoked my mom So my mom had jsut gone to the store to get extra fine filter floss for the aquarium I am setting up for her. The conversation went like this: Mom: I saw this and thought it is what you meant. It's super-fine floss. Will this work. Me: Yeah, that's fine (mom rolls eyes) Dad: Well that's what she said zwhenry, it's fine. Will it work though","My mom left the room without another word while my dad and I were trying to contain our laughter" +"Sunburns Not a dad, but this came out when I was talking to my roommate. Roommate: It's weird, of all the places I've lived the only place I've gotten sunburned is Florida. Me: That is weird, the only place I've ever been sunburned is on my skin","Roommate: You're an idiot" +"What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches","A nervous wreck" +"I’m addicted to left over thanksgiving food","I can’t quit cold turkey" +"What's the best part about living in Switzerland","Well the flag is a big plus" +"What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac","Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there is a dog" +"Darth Vader: What is the temperature of my son's lightsaber","Lukewarm" +"I was going to tell you a joke about a herd of cows","But it's pasture bed time" +"Did you know diarrhea is hereditary","It runs in your jeans" +"What do you say to your sister when she’s crying","Are u in a “crysis”" +"What do you call a broken can opener","A can't opener" +"If 666 is evil then wouldn’t 25","8069758 be the root of all evil" +"What is the average length of a python","14 m" +"Hey Raymond, are you bringing a plus one to the company party. Hey Raymond, are you bringing a plus one to the company party","Just the wife, but she's more of a ten" +"Dad joked by my friends mom Me: hey David, new episodes of South Park are coming out in September. Friend's mom: I didn't know South Park was gay","Made us think for a minute but it got a laugh out of us" +"Stop Ahead When I was younger me and my dad would drive past the Stop Ahead sign and he would put his hand to my forehead if I was in the Passenger seat","Good times" +"Transformers , robots in disguise","and on de ground" +"What do you call a fat psychic","A four-chin teller" +"Why couldn't Luke Skywalker have been Jewish","Because he had force kin" +"My college-aged son tried to get a reaction out of me. He got a dadjoke instead. http://i. imgur. com/ZoC1DLL","png" +"My patio is covered in green stuff Mother Nature has taken a lichen to me","Moss definitely" +"What's the highest selling car of people with ADHD","The Ford Focus" +"I was sitting in traffic the other day. Probably why","I got run over" +"Dad does dementia run in the family. I don't remember","(Offical dad joke from my dad)" +"My girlfriend asked me to pass her the lip balm, I gave her superglue by mistake","She’s still not talking to me" +"My 8 year old comes up with dad jokes all the time. This is what she just told me: what do you call a triceratops in a hospital","Dino-sore" +"Ya know,. I feel bad for plungers","They’ve been through a lot of shit." +"How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan","You take away its tiny little broom" +"You know what's blue and not heavy at all","Light blue" +"Is this where I post my hoagies and U-boats","I heard it was a great sub reddit" +"How do you make an altar boy crispy","Throw him into a deep friar" +"My younger brother and I went fishing with my dad this weekend My brother and I both caught some nice fish at almost the same time. My dad exclaimed My two seamen","and clapped us on the back and started laughing to himself" +"Did you know you can't run through a campsite","You can only 'Ran' because it's past tents" +"Construction with dad Dad and I have been replacing the fence in his back yard the last few weeks when I'm off work. We had the posts up but he finally put up the fence boards, and they're enormously tall. I reacted when I saw them. Jeez, dad, are you building a great wall. No, a fence. None taken. He responded with a glorious eye roll","It said, I'm proud of you, son" +"What do you call a giant pile of cats","A meowntain" +"My skills at sharpening my knives are atrophying","I really need to hone them" +"What did the blind teacher say the bad student","Great, now I have 3 useless pupils" +"Just found a collection of dad jokes on imgur. http://imgur","com/gallery/Wnu4S" +"Bit serious but it was an attempt to lighten the mood. Girlfriend: Does depression come in waves. Me: Actually I think it comes between them. Her:","Alright that was kinda funny" +"Got my girlfriend good GF: Why are you rushin","Me: It's genetic babe" +"What's the difference between a hoedown and a hootenanny","One's when your prostitute falls on the floor, and the other is when your babbysitter is making owl sounds" +"What did the yoga instructor say to his Mom she tried to leave","Nah Ma, stay" +"I got dadjoked by my girlfriend this morning. For breakfast, we were making pancakes and as she started stirring the pancake mix I asked if she wanted help","She said, why whisk it" +"A mexican magician was about to finish up his set He turns to the audience and say I will now disappear without a trace","Uno, dos *POOF*" +"I got in big trouble for the photos I sent to the women at the office","I was so proud of my home improvement projects that I got caught sending them unsolicited deck pics" +"A guy on drugs ran up to me to just tell me he has only 4 teeth left","Quick meths" +"What training do garbage collectors need","None, they just pick it up as they go" +"Successfully made my dad groan with this one today Hey dad, I tried that Indian bread you bought. Oh yeah. How was it. Good. I tried putting it in the toaster but the top stuck out and didn't get toasted. Really, though, it's a naan issue","" +"What do soda/pop manufacturers go to college for","Fizzyology" +"What did the giraffe say before being attacked by a lion","Easy tiger" +"So you're Binge Reading. This was to my younger sister. Me: what are you reading. Her: she holds up her book and the spine says Binge Me: So you're Binge reading","And she rolled her eyes harder than I've ever seen" +"My half sister just got a really bad infection just like me","She's my Sepsis" +"What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college","Bison" +"I let my buddy try these special glasses that let you visualize the words that come out of someone's mouth","Whoa , he replied, I see what you're saying" +"What do you call Hitler in the water","Adolfin" +"What do you call dental x-rays","Tooth pics" +"John only eats pizza with pepperoni","I eat them with my family" +"A man was arrested","A man carrying a ruler, a protractor, and a calculator was arrested tonight for being in possession of instruments of math instruction" +"Farmers notice : Public access to this field and footpath is free","But the Bull charges" +"Why is vegan restaurants a bad choice for dates","You just can't meat there" +"Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers","He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them" +"Discovery Channel's Dad Week I was talking to my friends about shark week and one of them said that he felt like this year wasn't that great to which I responded I know. It really jumped the shark","Everyone stared at me for about 45 seconds of horrible judgmental silence until one of my friends just said Goddammit" +"What do you call a Labrador Retriever trained to smell for meth","A Meth Lab" +"You know what's shady","Umbrellas" +"An old man walks slowly and gingerly into an ice cream shop and orders a banana split. Waitress: Crushed nuts","Man: No, arthritis" +"My spare car key doesn't turn the engine, but it lets me get into the car","I guess, just like my jokes, it's just a little door key" +"My wife is incredibly smart When I called from my buddies phone she answered “hey love”","She already knew it was me" +"Futurama does the best dad jokes [image] [xpost /r/futurama] http://i. imgur. com/tSen010","jpg" +"My son is going to be a good dad someday. Me: Is that cool or what. 2","5 year old son: *serious tone* It's what" +"What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws","Outlaws are wanted" +"My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought","It is an extremely rare dish order" +"I countered a customer's dadjoke with another dadjoke. A guy holding a large bundle of birthday balloons got into my cab last night. Him: So. do you accept balloon payments","Me: Normally I would, but inflation has just been so high recently" +"My first post ever on reddit","My 3 favorite things are eating my family and not using commas" +"The bible says","to love one another as you love yourself, but you can't exactly go around jacking people off so I guess the bible is wrong"