previous_character,previous_dialogue,character,dialogue
GEORGE,Are you through?,JERRY,"You do of course try on, when you buy?"
GEORGE,"Yes, it was purple, I liked it, I dont actually recall considering the buttons.",JERRY,"Oh, you dont recall?"
GEORGE,"(on an imaginary microphone) Uh, no, not at this time.",JERRY,"Well, senator, Id just like to know, what you knew and when you knew it."
CLAIRE,"Its missing, I have to do it in my head decaf left, regular right, decaf left, regular right...its very challenging work.",JERRY,"Can you relax, its a cup of coffee. Claire is a professional waitress."
GEORGE,How come youre not doin the second show tomorrow?,JERRY,"Well, theres this uh, woman might be comin in."
GEORGE,"Wait a second, wait a second, what coming in, what woman is coming in?",JERRY,"I told you about Laura, the girl I met in Michigan?"
GEORGE,"No, you didnt!",JERRY,"I thought I told you about it, yes, she teaches political science? I met her the night I did the show in Lansing..."
GEORGE,Ha.,JERRY,"(looks in the creamer) Theres no milk in here, what..."
GEORGE,"Wait wait wait, what is she... (takes the milk can from Jerry and puts it on the table) What is she like?",JERRY,"Oh, shes really great. I mean, shes got like a real warmth about her and shes really bright and really pretty and uh... the conversation though, I mean, it was... talking with her is like talking with you, but, you know, obviously much better."
GEORGE,"(smiling) So, you know, what, what happened?",JERRY,"Oh, nothing happened, you know, but is was great."
GEORGE,"Oh, nothing happened, but it was...",JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,This is great!,JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,"So, you know, she calls and says she wants to go out with you tomorrow night? God bless! Devil you!",JERRY,"Yeah, well...not exactly. I mean, she said, you know, she called this morning and said she had to come in for a seminar and maybe well get together."
GEORGE,"(whistles disapprovingly) Ho ho ho, Had to? Had to come in?",JERRY,"Yeah, but..."
GEORGE,Had to come in and maybe well get together? Had to and maybe?,JERRY,Yeah!
GEORGE,"No...no...no, I hate to tell you this. Youre not gonna see this woman.",JERRY,"What, are you serious...why, why did she call?"
GEORGE,"How do I know, maybe, you know, maybe she wanted to be polite.",JERRY,To be polite? You are insane!
GEORGE,"All right, all right, I didnt want to tell you this. You wanna know why she called you?",JERRY,Yes!
GEORGE,"Youre a back-up, youre a second-line, a just-in-case, a B-plan, a contingency!",JERRY,"Oh, I get it, this is about the button."
GEORGE,She says she has to come to New York on business...,JERRY,Oh you are beautiful!
GEORGE,To be polite. I rest my case.,JERRY,"Good. Did you have fun? You have no idea, what youre talking about, now, come on, come with me. (stands up) I gotta go get my stuff out of the dryer anyway."
GEORGE,Im not gonna watch you do laundry.,JERRY,"Oh, come on, be a come-with guy."
GEORGE,Jerry? I have to tell you something. This is the dullest moment Ive ever experienced.,JERRY,"Well, look at this guy. Look, hes got everything, hes got detergents, sprays, fabric softeners.  This is not his first load."
GEORGE,"I need a break, Jerry, you know. I gotta get out of the city. I feel so cramped...",JERRY,And you didnt even hear how she sounded.
GEORGE,What?!,JERRY,Laura.
GEORGE,I cant believe- (falls on his knees) WE ALREADY DISCUSSED THIS!,JERRY,"Yeah, but how could you be so sure?"
GEORGE,"Cause its signals, Jerry, its signals! (snapping his fingers) Dont you- all right. Did she even ask you, what you were doin tomorrow night, if you were busy?",JERRY,No.
GEORGE,She calls you today and she doesnt make a plan for tomorrow? What is that? Its Saturday night!,JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,"What is that? Its ridiculous! You dont even know what hotel shes staying at, you cant call her. Thats a signal, Jerry, thats a signal! (snaps his fingers) Signal!",JERRY,Maybe youre right.
GEORGE,Maybe Im right? Of course Im right.,JERRY,"This is insane. You know, I dont even know where shes staying! She, shes not gonna call me, this is unbelievable."
GEORGE,"I know, I know. Listen, your stuff has to be done by now, why dont you just see if its dry?",JERRY,"No no no, dont interrupt the cycle. The machine is working, it, it knows what its doing. Just let it finish."
GEORGE,Youre gonna overdry it.,JERRY,"You, you cant overdry."
GEORGE,Why not?,JERRY,"Same as you cant overwet. You see, once something is wet, its wet. Same thing with death. Like once you die youre dead, right? Lets say you drop dead and I shoot you. Youre not gonna die again, youre already dead. You cant overdie, you cant overdry."
GEORGE,(to the other laundry patrons) Any questions?,JERRY,How could she not tell me where she was staying?
GEORGE,Look at that. Theyre done!,JERRY,"Laundry day is the only exciting day in the life of clothes. It is...yknow, think about it. The washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. You know, its dark, theres bubbles happening, theyre all kinda dancing around in there- shirt grabs the underwear, Cmon babe, lets go. You come by, you open up the lid and theyll- (stiffens up, as the clothes) Socks are the most amazing article of clothing. They hate their lives, theyre in the shoes with stinky feet, the boring drawers. The dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it. They knew a escape from the dryer. They plan it in the hamper the night before, Tomorrow, the dryer, Im goin. You wait here! The dryer door swings open and the sock is waiting up against the side wall. He hopes you dont see him and then he goes down the road. They get buttons sewn on their faces, join a puppet show. So theyre showing me on television the detergent for getting out bloodstains. Is this a violent image to anybody? Bloodstains? I mean, come on, you got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isnt your biggest problem right now. You gotta get the harpoon out your chest first."
KESSLER,Are you up?,JERRY,"(to Kessler) Yeah. (to the phone) Yeah, people do move. Have you ever seen the big trucks out on the street? Yeah, no problem."
KESSLER,"Boy, the Mets blew it tonight, huh?",JERRY,"(upset) Ohhhh, what are you doing? Kessler, its a tape! I taped the game, its one oclock in the morning! I avoided human contact all night to watch this."
KESSLER,"Hey, Im sorry, I- you know, I, I thought you knew. (takes two loaves of bread out of his pockets, and holds them out to Jerry.) You got any meat?",JERRY,"Meat? I dont, I dont know, go... hunt! (Kessler opens the refrigerator and sticks his head in.) Well what happened in the game anyway?"
KESSLER,"You know, I almost wound up going to that game.",JERRY,(cynical) Yeah you almost went to the game. You havent been out of the building in ten years!
KESSLER,"Yeah. (Jerry sits down on the couch. Kessler walks over with his sandwich and looks at Jerry and uses expressions to ask Jerry to move the newspapers on the other side of the couch so he could site down. Kessler sits down next to him and starts turning over the pages of a magazine. Suddenly he spots an article he likes and tears it out. Jerry gives him a look as if to say, Do you mind?) Are you done with this?",JERRY,No.
KESSLER,"When youre done, let me know.",JERRY,"Yeah, yeah...you can have it tomorrow."
KESSLER,I thought I wasnt allowed to be in here this weekend.,JERRY,"No, its okay now, that, that girl is not comin. Uh, I misread the whole thing."
KESSLER,You want me to talk to her?,JERRY,I dont think so.
KESSLER,"Oh, I can be very persuasive. Do you know that I was almost... a lawyer.",JERRY,"That close, huh?"
KESSLER,You better believe it.,JERRY,"Hello...Oh, hi, Laura."
KESSLER,"Oh, give me it...let me talk to her.",JERRY,"(to the phone) No believe me, Im always up at this hour. How are you?... Great... Sure... What time does the plane get in?... I got my friend George to take me..."
KESSLER,(to the TV) SLIDE! Wow!,JERRY,"No, its, its just my neighbour... Um... Yeah, I got it. (Jerry takes a pencil and a cereal box to write on.) Ten-fifteen... No, dont be silly, go ahead and ask... Yeah, sure... Okay, great, no no, its no trouble at all... Ill see you tomorrow... Great, bye. (He hangs up the phone; to Kessler) I dont believe it. That was her. She wants to stay here!"
GEORGE,"You know, I cant believe youre bringin in an extra bed for woman that wants to sleep with you. Why dont you bring in an extra guy too?",JERRY,"Look, its a very awkward situation. I dont wanna be presumptuous."
GEORGE,"All right, all right, one more time, one more time! What was the exact phrasing of the request?",JERRY,"All right, she said she couldnt find a decent hotel room..."
GEORGE,A decent hotel-room...,JERRY,"Yeah, a decent hotel-room, would it be terribly inconvenient if she stayed at my place."
GEORGE,"You cant be serious. This is New York city. There must be eleven million decent hotel rooms! Whatta you need? A flag? (waving his handkerchief) This is the signal, Jerry, this is the signal!",JERRY,"(cynical) This is the signal? Thank you, Mr. Signal. Where were you yesterday?"
KESSLER,"Oh, hes gettin a drink of water. (pointing to the mattress) Is this for that girl?",JERRY,Yeah.
KESSLER,Why even give her an option?,JERRY,"This is a person I like, its not How to score on spring break."
GEORGE,"Right, can we go? Cause Im double-parked, Im gonna get a ticket.",JERRY,"Yeah, okay. Oh, wait a second. Oh, I forgot to clean the bathroom."
GEORGE,So what? Thats good.,JERRY,"Now, how could that be good?"
GEORGE,"Because filth is good. Whaddaya think, rock stars have sponges and ammonia lyin around the bathroom? They, have a woman comin over, Ive gotta tidy up? Yeah right, in these matters you never do what your instincts tell you. Always, ALWAYS do the opposite.",JERRY,This is how you operate?
GEORGE,"Yeah, I wish.",JERRY,Let me just wipe the sink.
GEORGE,"Im aware of you. (to Jerry) All right, lets go (opens the bathroom door) Lets go!",JERRY,"The dating world is not a fun world...its a pressure world, its a world of tension, its a world of pain...and you know, if a woman comes over to my house, I gotta get that bathroom ready, cause she needs things. Women need equipment. I dont know what they need. I know I dont have it, I know that- You know what they need, women seem to need a lot of cotton-balls. This is the one Im- always has been one of the amazing things to me...I have no cotton-balls, were all human beings, what is the story? Ive never had one...I never bought one, I never needed one, Ive never been in a situation, when I thought to myself I could use a cotton-ball right now. I can certainly get out of this mess. Women need them and they dont need one or two, they need thousands of them, they need bags, theyre like peat moss bags, have you ever seen these giant bags? Theyre huge and two days later, theyre out, theyre gone, the, the bag is empty, where are the cotton-balls, ladies? What are you doin with them? The only time I ever see em is in the bottom of your little waste basket, theres two or three, that look like theyve been through some horrible experience... tortured, interrogated, I dont know what happened to them. I once went out with a girl whos left a little zip-lock-baggy of cotton-balls over at my house. I dont know what to do with them, I took them out, I put them on my kitchen floor like little tumbleweeds. I thought maybe the cockroaches would see it, figure this is a dead town. Lets move on. The dating world is a world of pressure. Lets face it a date is a job interview that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is not many job interviews is there a chance youll end up naked at the end of it. You know? Well, Bill, the boss thinks youre the man for the position, why dont you strip down and meet some of the people youll be workin with?"
GEORGE,"What a world that would be, if you just could ask a woman what shes thinkin.",JERRY,"You know, instead, Im like a detective. I gotta pick up clues, the whole thing is a murder investigation."
GEORGE,"Listen, listen, dont get worked up, cause youre gonna know the whole story the minute she steps off the plane.",JERRY,Really? How?
GEORGE,Cause its all in the greeting.,JERRY,Uh-huh.
GEORGE,"All right, if she puts the bags down before she greets you, thats a good sign.",JERRY,Right.
GEORGE,"You know, anything in the, in the lip area is good.",JERRY,Lip area.
GEORGE,You know a hug definitely good.,JERRY,Hug is definitely good.
GEORGE,Sure.,JERRY,"Although what if its one of those hugs where the shoulders are touching, the hips are eight feet apart?"
GEORGE,"Thats so brutal, I hate that.",JERRY,You know how they do that?
GEORGE,"Thats why, you know, a shake is bad.",JERRY,"Shake is bad, but what if its the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes?"
GEORGE,Hand sandwich.,JERRY,Right.
LAURA,Guess who?,JERRY,"Hey, hey."
LAURA & JERRY,Heeeey!,JERRY,Its good to see you.
LAURA,Hi.,JERRY,This is my friend George.
GEORGE,"Hi, how are you?",JERRY,This is Laura.
GEORGE,"Laura, sure.",JERRY,(to Laura) I cant believe youre here.
LAURA,"Oh, thank you.",JERRY,"(aside, to George) Now that was an interesting greeting, did you notice that, George?"
GEORGE,"Yes, the surprise blindfold greeting. That wasnt in the manual, I dont know.",JERRY,"So uh, what do you think?"
LAURA,"Ooohhh, wow! This place isnt so bad.",JERRY,"Yeah, it kind a motivates me to work on the road. So uh, make yourself at home. (Laura sits down on the couch, takes off her shoes and opens some buttons of her shirt.) So uh, can I get you anything? Uuhhh, bread, water...salad-dressing?"
LAURA,"(laughs) Actually, um, do you have any wine?",JERRY,"Uh, yeah, I think I do."
LAURA,"(referring to a lamp) Oh, do you mind if I turn this down?",JERRY,"Uh, no, yeah, go right ahead."
LAURA,"Uh, Jerry, uh, I was wandering, would it be possible  and if its not, fine  for me to stay here tomorrow night too?",JERRY,"Uh, yeah, yeah, sure, why dont you stay? Yeah, uhm...What is your, what is your schedule for tomorrow? Are you, are you doin anything?"
LAURA,"No, Id love to do something. Uh, I have my seminar in the morning, then after that Im right open.",JERRY,Really? What would you like to do?
LAURA,"Well... now I know this sounds touristy, but Id just love to go on one of those five-hour boat rides around Manhattan.",JERRY,"(unenthusiastic) Yeah, we could do that...why not, why not. (pouring the wine) Im just, Im really glad youre here."
LAURA,"(to the phone) Hello?... Hi!... No no it was great, right on time... No, I, Im gonna stay here tomorrow...yes, yes its fine... No, were goin on a boat ride... Dont be silly... Im not gonna have this conversation... Look, Ill call you tomorrow... Okay, bye. (She hangs up the phone.) Never get engaged.",JERRY,(not excited) Youre engaged?
LAURA,"You, you really have no idea what its like until you actually do it. And Im on this emotional roller coaster.",JERRY,Youre engaged?
LAURA,"You know, I cant believe it myself sometimes. You have to start thinking in terms of we. Ugh, its a very stressful situation.",JERRY,(matter-of-factly) Youre engaged.
LAURA,"Yeah, yeah, hes a great guy...",JERRY,Yeah.
LAURA,"Youd really like him, you know, I cant wait to get on that boat.",JERRY,Me too!
AUDIENCE,Cheque.,JERRY,"Cheque. Now, the fact is, if its a woman in front of you thats writing the cheque, you will not be waiting long. I have noticed that women are very fast with cheques, yknow, cause they write out so many cheques. The keys, they can never find in their purse, they dont know where that is, but the cheque book they got that. They never fumble for the cheque book. The cheque book comes out of a holster (Jerry draws imaginary book from a holster.) Who do I make it out to? Theres my ID. Theres something about a cheque that, to a man, is not masculine. I dont know exactly what it is. I think to a man, a cheque is like a note from your mother that says, I dont have any money, but if youll contact these people, Im sure theyll stick up for me... If you just trust me this one time- I dont have any money but I have these. I wrote on these. Is this of any value at all?"
ELAINE,Coccoon II The Return. I guess they didnt like it up there.,JERRY,"Maybe they came back for Chinese food. Yknow Maureen Stapleton, if she gets a craving, shes probably screamin at those aliens, I gotta have a lo mein!"
ELAINE,"Okay, whatre we doing here? I have seen everything.",JERRY,Oh yeah? I dont believe youve seen... this.
ELAINE,"Oh, lovely.",JERRY,Yeah.
ELAINE,What do you think their parents think?,JERRY,"So, uh, whats your son doing now, Dr. Stevens? Oh, hes a public fornicator. Yes, hes a fine boy..."
ELAINE,Yknow what? This would be a really funny gift for Pamelas birthday.,JERRY,Pamela? Do I know her?
ELAINE,"Yeah, you met her when we were going out.",JERRY,"Oh yeah, right..."
ELAINE,"You have no idea who Im talking about, do you?",JERRY,(quickly) No.
ELAINE,"Blonde hair, remember? Glasses? (pause) Have you totally blocked out the entire time we were a couple?",JERRY,(a lightbulb goes on in his head) Riverside Drive.
ELAINE,"Right! In fact... No, never mind...",JERRY,"Well, what is it?"
ELAINE,"Well, a bunch of people are getting together tomorrow night at some bar for her birthday, but... (Jerry turns in disgust) you dont want to go to... that... no.",JERRY,"Wait a second, wait a second. We could work out a little deal here."
ELAINE,What little deal?,JERRY,"I will go to that, if you go with me to a little family wedding I have on Saturday."
ELAINE,"A wedding? Have you lost it, man?",JERRY,"Yknow, my parents are coming in for this..."
ELAINE,Theyre coming in?,JERRY,"Yeah, tomorrow."
ELAINE,"Hey, did your father ever get that hair weave?",JERRY,"No, no. Still doin the big sweep across."
ELAINE,Why does he do that?,JERRY,"Doesnt think anyone can tell. So cmon, do we have a deal?"
ELAINE,A wedding?,JERRY,Theres a lot of people to mock...
ELAINE,"All right, what the hell.",JERRY,Great!
ELAINE,Cmon lets go...,JERRY,Was I supposed to bring something?
ELAINE,You could have.,JERRY,I met her one time...
ELAINE,It is not necessary.,JERRY,What did you say then?
PAMELA,"(shakes Jerry's hand) Yes, we met.",JERRY,"Hi, happy birthday."
"GUESTS, JERRY & ELAINE",Hi,JERRY,I didnt bring anything.
PAMELA,"Uh, I put you two right here.",JERRY,"Oh, Okay (turns to rest of table) Im sorry, I didnt know what to bring, nobody told me."
VANESSA,How big a tip do you think itd take to get him to stop?,JERRY,Im in for five...
VANESSA,Ill supply the hat.,JERRY,(thinking) Uh-oh... What do we have here?
VANESSA,Why dont you relax and take your jacket off?,JERRY,"Oh, I cant. Uh, I have a tendency to get chilly."
VANESSA,How masculine.,JERRY,"Plus Im wearing short sleeves, I dont want to expose my tattoos. (Vanessa smiles; thinking) Shes unbelievable!"
VANESSA,"Oh, you know Bricker! From where?",JERRY,"(thinking) Whats going on here? Gotta be her boyfriend, shes too good to be alone. Whats the difference, I cant maneouver anyway with Elaine next to me."
VANESSA,(to Jerry) How do you know Pamela?,JERRY,"Uh, friend of a friend. And you?"
ELAINE,"(interrupting Jerry's conversation) Oh, Jerry!",JERRY,"(turning to Elaine; thinking) Oh no, not now."
ELAINE,I had this dream last night and you were in it.,JERRY,"Oh really? (tries turning away in the hopes Elaine gets the hint; thinking) Oh God, I gotta get out of this."
ELAINE,"You were you, but, you werent you...",JERRY,"No kidding. (thinking) Why is this happening? Please, make her stop!"
ELAINE,"I think, I think we were in my house where I grew up, and you were standing there, you were looking out the window...",JERRY,(thinking) This is brutal.
ELAINE,You turned around and you had these wooden teeth.,JERRY,"How do you like that? (tries to turn away again; thinking)Can I turn now? Is this over? No, I cant, I cant. Im stuck."
ELAINE,(noticing Jerry not wanting to listen; annoyed) Jerry? Are you listening to me?,JERRY,"Yes, I heard you."
PAMELA,"Elaine, whats the name of that jewelry store you took me to that time?",JERRY,"(thinking) Thank you, Pamela! (turns to talk to Vanessa; to Vanessa) So, youre a lawyer..."
VANESSA,"Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft.",JERRY,"(thinking) Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft... (to Vanessa) Of course, they handled my tattoo removal lawsuit."
VANESSA,"Oh, that was you?",JERRY,"Imagine, spelling Mom with two Os."
VANESSA,Very funny! What do you do?,JERRY,Comedian.
VANESSA,Really? That explains it.,JERRY,"(thinking; quickly) Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft."
VANESSA,We gotta run. Happy birthday!,JERRY,"(thinking) I cant believe it. I got nothing! I dont even know her name! Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppen... Sagman... Sag..."
ELAINE,"Yknow, um, you could use a little work on your manners.",JERRY,Why? What did I do?
ELAINE,"Wel-Well, I just dont appreciate these little courtesy responses, like Im selling you aluminum siding.",JERRY,I was listening!
ELAINE,No! You couldnt wait to get back to your little... conversation.,JERRY,"No, you were talking about the, the um, the dream you had."
ELAINE,Uh-huh...,JERRY,"Where you had, uh, wooden teeth."
ELAINE,"No! No! You had wooden teeth! You had wooden teeth! I didnt have wooden teeth, you did!",JERRY,"All right, so I had wooden teeth, so what?"
ELAINE,So nothing! Nothing. (annoyed sigh),JERRY,"Apparently Plato, who came up with the concept of the platonic relationship, was pretty excited about it. He named it after himself. He said, Yeah, I got this new thing Platonic. My idea, my name, callin it after myself. What I do is, I go out with the girls, I talk with them- dont do anything, and go right home. Whatd you think? I think its going to be big! I bet you there were other guys in history that tried to get relationships named after them, but it didnt work. Yknow, I bet you there were guys who tried to do it, just went, Uh, Hi, uh my names Rico. Would you like to go to bed immediately? Hey, its a Riconic relationship."
MORTY,"Ah, there he is!",JERRY,"This is what I like, see? You come home and your parents are in your bed!"
HELEN,"Yknow, Jerry, we dont have to do this.",JERRY,"What are you talkin about? Its fine, I love having you here."
HELEN,Tomorrow well go to a hotel.,JERRY,"Ma, will you stop?"
HELEN,"No, why should we take over your apartment?",JERRY,I dont care. Im sleeping next door.
HELEN,Your friend Kramer doesnt mind?,JERRY,"No, hes making a bouillabaisse."
MORTY,Depends on the firm.,JERRY,"Yeah, but if you called up and described someone, do you think they would know who it was?"
MORTY,Whats the matter? You need a lawyer?,JERRY,"No, I met someone at this party, and I know where she works, but I dont know her name."
MORTY,So why dont you ask someone who was at the party?,JERRY,"Nah, the only one I could ask is Elaine, and I cant ask her."
HELEN,Why not?,JERRY,Because its complicated. Theres some tension there.
HELEN,"Oh yeah, very alert. Warm person.",JERRY,"Oh yeah, shes great."
HELEN,"So, how come nothing materialized there?",JERRY,"Well, its a tough thing to talk about uh. I dunno..."
HELEN,I know what it was.,JERRY,You dont know what it was.
HELEN,"So, what was it?",JERRY,"Well, we fight a lot for some reason."
HELEN & MORTY,"Oh, well...",JERRY,And there was a little problem with the physical chemistry.
HELEN,"Well, I think shes a very attractive girl.",JERRY,"Oh, she is, she absolutely is."
HELEN,I can see if there was a weight problem...,JERRY,"No, its not that. It wasnt all one-sided."
HELEN,"You know, you cant be so particular. Nobodys perfect.",JERRY,"I know, I know..."
HELEN,"(hits Morty) Idiot. (to Jerry) So whore you looking for, Sophia Loren?",JERRY,Thats got nothin to do with it.
HELEN,I like Elaine more than Loni Anderson.,JERRY,"What are you two talking about? Look, Elaine just wasnt the one."
HELEN,And this other ones the one?,JERRY,"I dunno, maybe..."
MORTY,So ask Elaine there for her number.,JERRY,"I cant. Shell get upset. I never talk about other women with her, especially this one tonight."
HELEN,How could you still see her if your not interested?,JERRY,Were friends.
MORTY,Doesnt sound like youre friends to me. If you were friends you'd-youd ask her for the number. Do you know where this other one works?,JERRY,Oh yeah.
MORTY,"Go to the building. She goes out to lunch, doesnt she?",JERRY,I guess.
MORTY,"So, you stand in the lobby, by the elevator, and wait for her to come down for lunch.",JERRY,You mean stakeout the lobby?
MORTY,He pretends he bumped into her!,JERRY,Yknow what? This is not that bad an idea.
GEORGE,What does she look like?,JERRY,I dunno. Hard to say.
GEORGE,What actress does she remind you of?,JERRY,Loni Anderson.
GEORGE,Loni Anderson?!,JERRY,"What, theres something wrong with Loni Anderson? (pause) Hey listen, thanks again for running over here. I appreciate it."
GEORGE,"Yeah, sure. I was showing a condo on 48th street. Besides, you think I wanna miss this? (chuckles)",JERRY,Im a little nervous.
GEORGE,"Yeah, me too...",JERRY,"If I see her, what do I say that Im doing here in the building?"
GEORGE,You came to see me. I work in the building.,JERRY,What do you do?
GEORGE,Im an architect.,JERRY,Youre an architect?
GEORGE,Im not?,JERRY,I dont see architecture comin from you.
GEORGE,(somewhat annoyed) I suppose you could be an architect.,JERRY,I never said that I was the architect. Just somethin else.
GEORGE,"All right, shes not even gonna ask, if we see her, which is remote.",JERRY,"Well whaddaya want me to say, that I just wandered in here?"
GEORGE,Were having lunch with a friend. He works in the building.,JERRY,What is his name?
GEORGE,Bert... Har... bin... son. Bert Har-bin-son.,JERRY,Bert Harbinson? It sounds made up.
GEORGE,"No good? All right, uh how about Art... Cor.....",JERRY,Art Cor...
GEORGE,...velay.,JERRY,Corvelay?
GEORGE,"Yeah, right.",JERRY,"Well, what does he do?"
GEORGE,Hes an importer.,JERRY,"Just imports, no exports?"
GEORGE,"(annoyed) Hes an importer/exporter, okay? (beat) Elaine ever call you back?",JERRY,"No, I guess shes still mad."
GEORGE,"I dont understand, you never talk to her about other women?",JERRY,Never. (The elevator door opens.) Wait a second. Thats her. On the right.
GEORGE,(anxious) I forgot who I am! Who am I?!,JERRY,Youre you. Were having lunch with Art Corvelay.
GEORGE,Vandelay!,JERRY,Corvelay!
GEORGE,Let me be the architect! I can do it!,JERRY,"Hey, hey. uh Pamelas birthday party, didnt I see you there? Jerry."
VANESSA,Sure! Hi!,JERRY,"Uh, this is George. (reaches for her name) Im sorry..."
GEORGE,Nice to meet you.,JERRY,"Ah, Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft."
VANESSA,"Thats right! Yea, whatre you doing here?",JERRY,"Oh, were meeting a friend of ours for lunch. He works here in the building."
GEORGE,...And exporter.,JERRY,Hes an importer/exporter.
GEORGE,They can...,JERRY,Yknow Im sorry you had to leave so early the other night.
VANESSA,"Oh, me too. My cousin had to go back to Boston.",JERRY,"Oh, that guy was your cousin! (walking in front of George so he gets the picture to leave)"
VANESSA,"Yeah, and that woman was your...",JERRY,Friend!
GEORGE,"Ill just, uh, get a paper...",JERRY,"So, um, do you date uh immature men?"
HELEN,Bum bum bum bum... I have no letters... Bum bum bum bum...,JERRY,"(annoyed) Ma, will you go already?"
HELEN,Bum bum bum bum...,JERRY,What are you doing?!
HELEN,"Wait, I just want to see something.",JERRY,"You cant look in there, were playing!"
KRAMER,Hi.,JERRY,Hi.
KRAMER,Hey Morty! (to Jerry) Salad dressing?,JERRY,Look.
HELEN,Quo. Is that a word?,JERRY,Maybe!
HELEN,Will you challenge it?,JERRY,"Ma, you cant look up words in the dictionary! (to Morty) Dad, shes cheating!"
HELEN,(to Jerry) Youre such a stickler...,JERRY,"Well put something down, youre taking twenty minutes on this. So is Uncle Mac and Artie, theyre all coming over here before the wedding?"
HELEN,"Theyll be here at two oclock. Oh, Elaine called. She said shed be here at two-thirty. And she says Hope your meeting went well with Art Vandelay?",JERRY,She said what?
HELEN,"Just what I said, here.",JERRY,"She knows! Oh, I am such a jackass."
HELEN,She knows what?,JERRY,She knows the whole stupid thing. Vanessa and the elevator...
MORTY,"So, how did she find out?",JERRY,"Because, Vanessa probably told Pamela, and Pamela probably told Elaine."
MORTY,"So, what are you? Afraid of her?",JERRY,Yes. Yes I am! (to Helen) What else did she say on the phone?
HELEN,Whatever I wrote down.,JERRY,"Yeah, but what was the tone in her voice? How did she sound?"
MORTY,"Well, she cant be too mad. Shes still coming to the wedding.",JERRY,"Yeah, but now Im nervous."
HELEN,"Oh, stop it.",JERRY,Quone?
HELEN,...30...31...,JERRY,"Quone? No, Im afraid that Im going to have to challenge that."
KRAMER,"No, you dont have to challenge that. Thats a word. Thats a definite word.",JERRY,I am challenging.
KRAMER,Quone. To quone something.,JERRY,Uh-huh.
MORTY,Quones not a word.,JERRY,No good. Sorry. There it is. Get it off.
CAROL,"You want some funny material, you oughta come down to where I work, now thats a sitcom!",JERRY,You must have quite a time down there.
CAROL,We got plenty of time.,JERRY,"Oh, Im sorry. Im just waiting for someone."
UNCLE MAC,Watch what you say to this guy. Hell put it in his next act!,JERRY,"Yeah, yeah..."
UNCLE MAC,"Jerry, did I tell you that Im writing a book? An autobiography.",JERRY,"Yeah, Uncle Mac, you mentioned it."
UNCLE MAC,Its based on all my experiences!,JERRY,Thats perfect.
ELAINE,"Oh, how do you do? Elaine Benes.",JERRY,"Um, do you want to do this now, or do you want to wait until we get in the car?"
ELAINE,"Oh no, lets do it now.",JERRY,"All right, the whole elevator business, let me just explain-"
ARTIE,"Jerry, were you goin with us?",JERRY,"No, Im gonna take my car."
ARTIE,Thats why I brought the wagon. Why the hell did I bring the wagon?,JERRY,"Anyway, you know why I didnt ask you, I mean I felt so uncomfortable, and you were so annoyed in the cab."
ARTIE,"Oh, we didnt meet.",JERRY,"Oh, Im sorry. Elaine, this is my cousin, Artie Levine."
ARTIE,(correcting Jerry) Levine.,JERRY,"(sarcastically) Yeah, Levine. And Im Jerry Cougar Mellencamp. Anyway, I admit it was a fairly ridiculous thing to do, but I mean, I mean, obviously we have a little problem here."
ELAINE,"Yeah, obviously.",JERRY,"I mean, if were gonna be friends, we gotta be able to talk about other people."
ELAINE,Couldnt agree more.,JERRY,Good.
ELAINE,Good.,JERRY,Good.
ELAINE,Great!,JERRY,Great? Where do you get great?
ELAINE,Its great to... talk about... other people...,JERRY,...Guys?
ELAINE,Yeah.,JERRY,"Uh-huh. Yeah. So, anybody specific?"
ELAINE,No. A general guy.,JERRY,Oh really? Elaine Marie Benes...
ELAINE,"What? No, its not a big deal.",JERRY,"No, thats great! Thats terrific!"
ELAINE,"No, we just met...",JERRY,Doesnt matter. Whats the young mans name? I would like to meet him.
ELAINE,"Hmmm, I dont think so.",JERRY,"Well, what does he do? Is he an artisan, a craftsman, a labourer of some sort?"
ELAINE,Wall street.,JERRY,"Ah, high finance. Bulls, Bears, people from Conneticut."
ELAINE,And he happens to be pretty good lookin.,JERRY,"(pause) All right, sir."
ELAINE,And... hes hilarious.,JERRY,Now thats not fair! So where did you meet this guy?
ELAINE,I staked out his health club.,JERRY,"Uh huh. When youre on a stakeout, do you find its better to stand up against the wall, or kinda crouch down behind a big plant?"
ELAINE,(claps her hands) That is the single greatest packing performance I have ever seen.,JERRY,(proudly) I am...the master packer.
ELAINE,"(laughs) Yeah, right, youre the master packer.",JERRY,"What you must understand, Elaine, (picking up the umbrella) packing is no different than leading men into battle. (Jerry hits his bag rhythmically with his umbrella.) Youve gotta know the strengths and weaknesses of every soldier in that platoon. From a collapsible toothbrush to a pair of ordinary black socks."
ELAINE,"(raising her hand) Scuse me, master packer...",JERRY,Yes.
ELAINE,Just gimme your keys.,JERRY,"All right, sir. (He tosses Elaine his keys. The apartment buzzer goes off; Jerry presses the first button; to the intercom) George?"
ELAINE,"Okay, so, now, is there anything else I need to know about this place?",JERRY,"Uh, yeah, the, uh, hot water takes a little while to come on. So, the best thing to do is to turn it on, do all your shopping, you come back and take a shower."
ELAINE,"Okay, this is quite a place.",JERRY,Theres more. The refrigerator.
ELAINE,Ill eat out.,JERRY,"One more thing, Benes, regarding sexual activity Strictly prohibited, but if you absolutely must, do us all a big favour. Do it in the tub."
GEORGE,(to Jerry) Ready?,JERRY,"Yeah, one sec."
GEORGE,"Yeah, well...a little rough finding something good in your price-range. (to Jerry) But you, my friend, may be in luck.",JERRY,Im not looking.
GEORGE,"No no no, this ones different. This ones a beauty!",JERRY,"Yeah, whats it like?"
GEORGE,"I havent seen it yet, but its a two-bedroom, its on the uh, west 83rd, bout a half block from the park?",JERRY,How much?
GEORGE,"Uh, twice what youre payin here, but its a great building. Its two bedrooms!",JERRY,Two bedrooms? Why do I need two bedrooms? I got enough trouble maintaining activity in one. (George gives Elaine a look while Jerrys back is turned. Jerry turns around.) I saw that.
ELAINE,You oughta at least take a look at it.,JERRY,Really? Why?
ELAINE,Cause then I could move in here.,JERRY,Ohhhh...
ELAINE,"Jerry, come on, youre doin okay now. You should at least take a look at this place. You shouldnt have to live like this.",JERRY,Like this? You just said you wanted to live here.
GEORGE,"Jerry, what do you, you wanna, you wanna see the place or not?",JERRY,"I cant think about it now. Come on, Im going to Minneapolis. I got four shows this weekend."
ELAINE,"(from the bathroom) JERRY! (Elaine enters the living-room.) Jerry, oh, hi, welcome back. How were the shows?",JERRY,"Great, I had fun. Wheres the TV, wheres the VCR?"
ELAINE,They were stolen.,JERRY,Stolen? When?
ELAINE,A couple a hours ago. The police are coming right over.,JERRY,Stolen?
ELAINE,(looking at Kramer) Someone left the door open.,JERRY,(to Kramer) You left the door open?!
KRAMER,"Uh, Jer, well you know, I was cookin and I, I uh, I came in to get this spatula...and I left the door open, cause I was gonna bring the spatula right back!",JERRY,"Wait, you left the lock open or the door open?"
KRAMER,(guiltily) The door.,JERRY,The door? You left the door open?
KRAMER,"Yeah, well, I was gonna bring the spatula right back.",JERRY,"Yeah, and?"
KRAMER,"Well, I got caught up... watching a soap opera. The Bold And The Beautiful.",JERRY,So the door was wide open?
KRAMER,Wide open!,JERRY,(to Elaine) And where were you?
KRAMER,"Look, Jerry, Im sorry, Im uh- you have insurance, right buddy?",JERRY,No.
KRAMER,(shocked) How can you not have insurance?,JERRY,Because I spent my money on the Clapgo D-29. Its the most impenetrable lock on the market today. It has only one design flaw. The door... (Jerry pushes the door shut.) ...MUST BE CLOSED!!
KRAMER,"Jerry! Im gonna find your stuff. Im gonna solve it, Im on the case, buddy, Im on the case.",JERRY,"Yeah, dont investigate, dont pay me back, it was an accident."
KRAMER,Im human.,JERRY,In your way.
ELAINE,Answering machine.,JERRY,"(disappointed) Answering machine. (jovially) Oh, I hate the idea of somebody out there returning my calls."
POLICEMAN,What do you mean?,JERRY,Its a joke.
POLICEMAN,"I see. Well, mister Seinfeld uh, well look into it and uh, well let you know if we uh, you know, if we find anything.",JERRY,You ever find anything?
POLICEMAN,No.,JERRY,"Well, thanks anyway."
ELAINE,I didnt get that joke either.,JERRY,The crook has the machine. The messages arent for him. Hes the crook. Why would he answer- (Jerry gives up on the explanation and turns around to see George standing behind him.) How did you get in here?
GEORGE ,"I walked in, your lobby door is broken again.",JERRY,Again?
ELAINE,"Yeah, tell im George.",JERRY,(to Elaine) You would still wanna move in here?
ELAINE,Yes! You dont understand. Im living with Ethel Merman without the talent.,JERRY,"(to George) Is that uh, other apartment still available?"
GEORGE,"I didnt know there was a fireplace. A fireplace, that's incredible.",JERRY,How do you get all that wood in here?
ELAINE,They deliver it.,JERRY,They deliver wood?
ELAINE,Yeah.,JERRY,What do you tip a wood guy?
GEORGE,A garden! I cant believe theres a garden!,JERRY,Would I have to get a gardener?
ELAINE,"Yeah, you can get a gardener.",JERRY,You tip him?
ELAINE,"Jerry, you can barbecue back here.",JERRY,They deliver the coal?
ELAINE,"Sure, its...probably the same guy, who delivers the wood.",JERRY,"Oh, then I gotta tip him."
ELAINE,"Oh, damn, this place is incredible, look at all this great light!",JERRY,I dont have any plants.
ELAINE,"Jerry, look at this closet! Look at this! Im walking in it! (Elaine walks into the closet.) Its a walk-in. Can you believe it? Im nuts about this, what do you think?",JERRY,"I like that. (He opens the closet. Elaine walks out with an angry look.) What do you think, George?"
GEORGE,Its your decision.,JERRY,"Im takin it, Im takin the place. Im gonna take it, this is gonna be my new place. Im livin here...Im movin."
ELAINE,What about the couch?,JERRY,You like the couch? Ill tell you what Im gonna do.
ELAINE,What?,JERRY,"Youre movin in, youre a good friend, I wanna start you off on the right foot. Give me...a hundred and fifty dollars. (Elaine is shocked, Jerry opens the door to the hall.) Get it outta here right now, take it out the door, I dont even wanna see it, go, get it out."
ELAINE,A hundred and fifty dollars? A hundred and fifty dollars for what? For this couch?,JERRY,Yeah!
ELAINE,For this couch?!,JERRY,"Okay, you tell me. What is it worth?"
ELAINE,"Okay, uh, Ill tell you what. I could go as high as uh... (She takes a closer look at couch.) I dont know, maybe...twenty dollars?",JERRY,Yeah?
GEORGE,"(from the intercom) Yeah, its George.",JERRY,"Come on up. (Jerry presses the second button and opens the apartment door. He walks back to the couch.) Oh, all right, forget it, Im gonna take it with me now... (He picks up the cushions.) Im just gonna pack up the cushions right now..."
ELAINE,"Okay okay okay okay, you win. Forty dollars.",JERRY,"(continuing unphased) You wanna get the other end, cause I wanna get it in the hall."
ELAINE,"Fifty dollars, okay? Fifty dollars, is that all right?",JERRY,Fifty dollars?
ELAINE,Uh-huh.,JERRY,Thank you very much.
ELAINE,I just bought Jerrys couch for fifty dollars.,JERRY,"(to George) So did you bring the lease? (George takes the lease from his inside pocket and hands it to Jerry.) All right, gee, three years, that kinda seems like a long time."
GEORGE,"(frantic) Oh, Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry, listen, if, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at all, at all. Do not feel like you have to take it.",JERRY,Why?
GEORGE,"If youre having second thoughts, if you didnt want it, dont worry about it because uh, you know, I, I...I could take it, you know.",JERRY,You could take it? You want it?
GEORGE,"No, I dont want it. I want it, if you dont want it.",JERRY,So you do want it.
GEORGE,"No I, I want it if you dont want it.",JERRY,You just said you wanted it!
GEORGE,"No, Im saying, if a situation arose in which you didnt want it, I might take it.",JERRY,So take it.
GEORGE,How can I take it?,JERRY,How can I take it?
GEORGE,Its your apartment!,JERRY,"How can I want it now, if you want it?"
GEORGE,"Yes, but I am not taking it.",JERRY,I...am not taking it.
ELAINE,"Well, one of you better damn well take it!",JERRY,"Well, whaddaya wanna do here?"
GEORGE,"I, I dont know.",JERRY,Do you wanna flip a coin?
GEORGE,"Who flips? Youll flip, Ill call.",JERRY,"Okay, fine. (Jerry takes a coin from his pocket.) This is the official flip. No crying, no guilt, winner takes all and thats it. Agreed?"
ELAINE,"I dont know, who to root for, Georges place has carpeting.",JERRY,"All right, now you call it in the air."
GEORGE,No catchin.,JERRY,No no.
GEORGE,Heads!,JERRY,Tails!
GEORGE,"No, it hit the table, it hit the table.",JERRY,So what?
GEORGE,"Interference! You cant count that! Come on, are you crazy?! The coin cannot touch anything, it affects it.",JERRY,You didnt call no interference!
GEORGE,You dont have to call that! Thats a rule!,JERRY,I dont believe this.
GEORGE,"Oh oh oh, all right, fine, Jerry, you win. Take it, just take it!",JERRY,"I dont wanna win it like this! Elaine, what do you think?"
ELAINE,Id better not.,JERRY,"Well, Ill tell you what. Ill choose you for it. Straight choose, three takes it, no disputes...thats it, you gotta win three."
GEORGE,Okay. (They walk around each other.) OK. Ill choose you. Whaddaya want?,JERRY,Odds.
GEORGE,I want evens.,JERRY,Good.
GEORGE,You got odds.,JERRY,You got evens.
GEORGE,"Right, ready?",JERRY,For the apartment.
BOTH,"Once, twice, three, shoot!",JERRY,Mine!
GEORGE,Congratulations...congratulations.,JERRY,Thanks.
KRAMER,"Jerry, I think Im on to something. I think I found your stuff. You know the Englishman who lives down the hall?",JERRY,Yeah.
KRAMER,The last couple a days hes been acting very strange. I think hes avoiding me.,JERRY,Hard to imagine.
KRAMER,"..you know, very casually,",JERRY,Right.
KRAMER,What stuff?,JERRY,"Ooh, (to Elaine) case closed!"
KRAMER,"No, you dont understand, you see, he swallowed. See, the guy, he swallowed. Oh, he was nervous about something! Now, Im gonna go over there, Im gonna borrow some tea. If I dont get back in five minutes, maybe youd better call the police.",JERRY,"Okay, starting...NOW!"
KRAMER,Yeah!,JERRY,"One of the problems in life is that when youre a kid, you have a certain way of working out disagreements. And those laws do not work in the adult world. One of the main ways that kids resolve any dispute is by calling it. One of them says, I got the front seat I wanted the front seat! I called it. And the other kid knows hes got nothing to say He called it. What can I do? If there was a Kid Court Of Law, it holds up. Your Honour, my client did ask for the front seat And the judge would go, Did he call it? Well no, he didnt call- BANG! (Jerry imitates a judge banging his gavel.) He has to call it, case closed. Objection overruled."
GEORGE,I love the mirror in that bathroom! I dont know what in the hell it is. I look terrific in that mirror. (George sits.) I dont know if its the tile or the lighting... I feel like Robert Wagner.,JERRY,"Its a good mirror. (They look at their menus.) So, what are you gettin?"
GEORGE,"I dont know, I cant eat. You, you cant have anything anymore. Look at this, look at this. Eggs out. Coffee out. French fries out. BLT out! I go to visit my grandparents three big brisket sandwiches, Im sittin here with a carrot! Theyre closing in on a hundred, Im sayin to them, How can you eat that stuff? (They look at their menus again.) Im so sick about losin that choose, you dont know.",JERRY,"All right, forget it, forget it. Im not taking the place!"
GEORGE,What?!,JERRY,How can I live there?
GEORGE,Why not?!,JERRY,"Look at you, youre still thinking about it. Ill never feel comfortable."
GEORGE,"Oh, get outta here.",JERRY,How can I ever have you over? Youll sit there moping.
GEORGE,I wont mope.,JERRY,Youre already moping! Would you take the place?
GEORGE,"No, impossible! Its your apartment.",JERRY,You found the place.
GEORGE,You won the choose.,JERRY,"All right, forget it, its over, Im not moving."
GEORGE,"Well, me neither.",JERRY,Definitely?
GEORGE,Definitely.,JERRY,"Alright, then just get rid of it. You wont have any problem."
GEORGE,"I dont know, what were doin here, this is ridiculous.",JERRY,She wanted to thank us for the apartment.
ELAINE,I cant believe I lost the deposit on that U-Haul. And I threw out my couch.,JERRY,If only the coin hadnt hit the table.
GEORGE,"The table is interference, you know it!",JERRY,It is not!
ELAINE,Couldnt be happier.,JERRY,Its wonderful.
GEORGE,Nice meeting you.,JERRY,"How late are the stores open? Im thinking of maybe uh, buying a new TV and smash it over my head."
"JERRY, GEORGE & ELAINE",Whats the rent?,JERRY,"Most men like working on things. Tools, objects, fixing things. This is what men enjoy doing. Have you ever noticed a guys out in his driveway working on something with tools, how all the other men in the neighborhood are magnetically drawn to this activity. They just come wandering out of the house like zombies. Men, its true, men hear a drill, its like a dog whistle. Just... (his head perks up) you know, they go running up to that living room curtain, Honey, I think Jims working on something over there. So they run over to the guy. Now they dont actually help the guy. No, they just want to hang around the area where work is being done. Thats what men want to do. We want to watch the guy, we want to talk to him, we want to ask him dumb questions. You know, What are you using, a Phillips-head? You know, we feel involved. Thats why when they have construction sites, they have to have those wood panel fences around it, thats just to keep the men out. They cut those little holes for us so we can see what the hell is going on. But if they dont cut those holes, we are climbing those fences. Right over there. What are you using the steel girders down there? Yeah, thatll hold."
GEORGE,I had to say something. (chuckles) I had to say something. Everything was going so well. I had to say something.,JERRY,I dont think you did anything wrong.
GEORGE,I told her I liked her. Why? Why did I tell her I like her? I have this sick compulsion to tell women how I feel. I like you I dont tell you.,JERRY,We can only thank God for that.
GEORGE,Im outta the picture. I am outta the picture. (laughs) Its only a matter of time now.,JERRY,Youre imagining this. Really.
GEORGE,Ill tell you when it happened. When that floss came flying out of my pocket.,JERRY,What floss? When?
GEORGE,"We were in the lobby during the intermission of the play. I was buying her one of those containers of orange drink, for five dollars. I reached into my pocket to pay for it, I looked down; theres this piece of green floss hanging from my fingers.",JERRY,"Ah, mint."
GEORGE,"Of course. So, Im looking at it. I look up, I see shes looking at it. Our eyes lock. It was a horrible moment. I just..",JERRY,"So let me get this straight. She saw the floss, you panicked and you told her you liked her."
GEORGE,"If I didnt put that floss in my pocket, Id be crawling around her bedroom right now looking for my glasses.",JERRY,And youre sure the floss was the catalyst?
GEORGE,"Yes, I am.",JERRY,You dont think it mightve had anything to do with that?
GEORGE,What? You dont like this?,JERRY,It looks like your belt is digesting a small animal.
KRAMER,"(to the phone) Oh, theyve got a cure for cancer. See, its all big business. Oh hey, Jerry just walked in. Hi, George. (to the phone again) Yeah yeah yeah yeah take my number. 555-8643. Okay, here he is.",JERRY,(to Kramer) Who is it?
KRAMER,Take it.,JERRY,Who is it?
KRAMER,Its for you.,JERRY,"(to the phone) Hello? (disappointed) Oh, hi Joel. (Jerry hits Kramer with a magazine.) No. Uh, I was out of town. I just got back. Kramer doesnt know anything. Hes just my next-door neighbor. Uh, nothing much... Tuesday? Uh, Tuesday, no. Im meeting somebody... Uh, Wednesday? Wednesdays okay... All right. Uh, Im a little busy right now. Can we talk Wednesday morning?... Okay... Yeah... Right... Thanks... Bye. (Jerry hangs up; to Kramer) Why did you put me on the phone with him? I hate just being handed a phone."
KRAMER,"Well, its your phone. He wanted to talk to you.",JERRY,Maybe I didnt want to talk to him.
KRAMER,"Well, why not?",JERRY,He bothers me. I dont even answer the phone anymore because of him. Hes turned me into a screener. Now I gotta go see him on Wednesday.
GEORGE,What do you mean Wednesday? I though we had tickets to the Knick game Wednesday. We got seats behind the bench! What happened? Were not going?,JERRY,Were going. Thats next Wednesday.
GEORGE,Oh. Who is this guy?,JERRY,His name is Joel Horneck. He lived like three houses down from me when I grew up. He had a Ping Pong table. We were friends. Should I suffer the rest of my life because I like to play Ping Pong? I was ten. I wouldve been friends with Stalin if he had a Ping Pong table. Hes so self-involved.
KRAMER,"Thats for me. (to the phone) Kramerica Industries. Oh, hi, Mark. No no no. Forget that. I got a better idea. A pizza place where you make your own pie...",JERRY,Can you conduct your business elsewhere?
GEORGE,"I dont know why you even bother with this ping pong guy, Ill tell you that.",JERRY,I dont bother with him. Hes been calling me for seven years. Ive never called him once! Hes got the attention span of a five-year-old. Sometimes I sit there and I make up things just to see if hes paying attention.
GEORGE,I dont understand why you spend time with this guy.,JERRY,"What can I do? Break up with him? Tell him, I dont think were right for each other. Hes a guy! At least with a woman, theres a precendent. You know, the relationship goes sour, you end it."
GEORGE,"No no no no, you have to approach this as if he was a woman.",JERRY,Just break up with him?
GEORGE,Absolutely. You just tell him the truth.,JERRY,The Truth.
JOEL,"...so my shrink wants me to bring my mother in for a session. This guy is a brilliant man. Lenny Bruce used to go to him. And I think, uh, Geraldo.",JERRY,"You know, I read the Lenny Bruce biography, I thought it was really... interesting. He would-"
JOEL,"(to the counter of the restaurant) Hey hey hey hey, were starving here! Weve been waiting here for ten minutes already!",JERRY,"(testing Joel) So, Im thinking about going to Iran this summer."
JOEL,"I have to eat! I mean, Im hypoglycemic.",JERRY,"Anyway, the Hizballah has invited me to perform. (Joel shakes his head agreeing; Jerry smiles) You know, its their annual terrorist luncheon."
JOEL,Yeah.,JERRY,(cont'd) Im gonna do it in Farsi.
CLAIRE,Are you ready?,JERRY,"Yeah, Ill have the egg salad on whole wheat."
JOEL,"Well, how do you know for sure? Look, why dont you do me a favor. Why dont you go in the back and find out, okay? (The waitress leaves.) Unbelievable.",JERRY,How can you talk to someone like that?
JOEL,"What are you saying? What, you like turkey roll?",JERRY,"Listen, Joel. Theres something I have to tell you..."
JOEL,"He asked me if I still saw you. I said, Sure, I see him all the time. Were still great friends. Anyway, Howard says hello. (laughs)",JERRY,"Listen, Joel, I dont think we should see each other anymore."
JOEL,What?,JERRY,This friendship Its not working.
JOEL,Not working? What are you talking about?,JERRY,Were just not suited to be friends.
JOEL,How can you say that?,JERRY,"Look, youre a nice guy, its just that... we dont have anything in common."
JOEL,(starting to cry) Wai-Wait. What did I do? Tell me. I want to know what I did.,JERRY,"Y-You didnt do anything. Its not you, its me. Its- this is very difficult."
JOEL,"Look, I know I call you too much, right? I mean, I know youre a very busy guy.",JERRY,"No, its not that."
JOEL,(crying) Youre one of the few people I can talk to.,JERRY,"Oh, come on. Thats not true."
JOEL,"I always tell everybody about you. Tell everybody to (to the rest of the coffee shop) GO SEE HIS SHOW! (to Jerry) I mean, Im your biggest fan!",JERRY,"I know, I know."
JOEL,"I mean, youre my best friend.",JERRY,Best friend- Ive never been to your apartment.
JOEL,I cannot believe that this is happening. I cant believe it.,JERRY,"Okay, okay. Forget it. Its okay. I didnt mean it."
JOEL,Didnt mean what?,JERRY,What I said. Ive been under a lot of stress.
JOEL,"Oh, youve been under a lot of stress.",JERRY,"Just, can we just forget the whole thing ever happend? Im sorry. I didnt mean it. I took it out on you. Were still friends. Were still friends. Still friends. Okay? Look, Ill tell you what. Ive got Knick tickets this Wednesday. Great seats behind the bench. You want to come with me? Come on."
JOEL,Tonight?,JERRY,"No, next Wednesday. If it was tonight, I wouldve said tonight."
JOEL,Do you really want me to go?,JERRY,(lying) Yes.
JOEL,"Okay. (Jerry gives him some napkins to clean himself up) Yeah, okay. Great! That would be, thatd be great. So, next Wednesday.",JERRY,Next Wednesday.
GEORGE,...she calls me up at my office,JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,"(cont'd) she says, We have to talk.",JERRY,"Ugh, the four worst words in the English language."
GEORGE,"That, or Whos bra is this?",JERRY,That is worse.
GEORGE,"So we order lunch, and were talking. Finally, she blurts out how its not working.",JERRY,Really.
GEORGE,"So, Im thinking, as shes saying this, Im thinking great, the relationships over. But the egg salads on the way. So now I have a decision Do I walk or do I eat?",JERRY,Hm. You ate.
GEORGE,"We sat there for twenty minutes, chewing, staring at each other in a defunct relationship.",JERRY,"Someone says, Get out of my life, and that doesnt affect your appetite?"
GEORGE,Have you ever had their egg salad?,JERRY,It is unbelievable.
GEORGE,Its unbelievable. You know what else is unbelievable? I picked up the check. She didnt even offer. She ended it. The least she could do is send me off with a sandwich.,JERRY,How much could you possibly have in there?
GEORGE,Its my money. What should I do? Throw it out the window? I know a guy who took his vacation on his change.,JERRY,"Yeah? Whered he go, to an arcade?"
GEORGE,(sarcastically) Thats funny. Youre a funny guy.,JERRY,"Cmon, move up."
GEORGE,Geez.,JERRY,"Oh, God."
GEORGE,I got scared there for a second. The Knicks without Ewing.,JERRY,"Listen, George, little problem with the game."
GEORGE,What about it?,JERRY,"The thing is, yesterday, I kind of.. uh.."
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,I gave your ticket to Horneck.
GEORGE,(not believing him) You what?!,JERRY,"Yeah, Im sorry. I had to give it to Horneck."
GEORGE,No! My ticket?! You gave my ticket to Horneck?,JERRY,"Cmon, cmon, go ahead, move up."
GEORGE,Why did you give him my ticket for?,JERRY,You didnt see him. It was horrible.
GEORGE,"Oh, cmon, Jerry. I cant believe this.",JERRY,I had to do it.
TELLER,"Im sorry, sir. We cant do that.",JERRY,Do you want to go with him? You go. I dont mind.
GEORGE,"You want me to roll six thousand of these?! What, should I quit my job?!",JERRY,"No, I do not like the bank. Ive heard the expression Laughing all the way to the bank. I have never seen anyone actually doing it. And those bank lines. I hate it when theres nobody on the line at all, you know that part, you go to the bank, its empty and you still have to go through the little maze. (walking on the stage like he is going through a maze) Can you get a little piece of cheese for me? Im almost at the front. Id like a reward for this please."
GEORGE,"...thirty-two, thirty-three-",JERRY,George.
GEORGE,Not now.,JERRY,Could you stop the counting?
GEORGE,What?!,JERRY,Can I make it up to you? Ill give you fifty bucks for the jug.
GEORGE,"Oh, yeah, sure. Keep your money.",JERRY,"Well, then Im not going to the game either. Okay? Ill give him both tickets."
GEORGE,"Oh geeeee. (George pantomimes sticking a knife in his heart, and twists it.) Go, go!",JERRY,"I- no, I dont want to go."
GEORGE,He was really crying?,JERRY,"I had to give him a tissue. In fact, let me call his machine now and Ill just make up some excuse why I cant go to the game either."
GEORGE,"Wait a minute. Wait a minute. As long as youre going to lie to the guy, why dont you tell him that you lost both of the tickets, then we can go?",JERRY,"George, the man wept."
KRAMER,"No, Im tellin you, people, they really want to make their own pizza pie.",JERRY,"I-I have to say something. With all due respect, I just never- I cant imagine anyone in any walk of life, under any circumstance, wanting to make their own pizza pie... but thats me. Alright"
KRAMER,Thats you.,JERRY,Im just saying..Alright.
KRAMER,"Okay, okay. I just wanted to check with you guys.",JERRY,Okay.
KRAMER,"One day, youll beg me to make your own pie.",JERRY,"(to the phone) Hi, Joel. This is Jerry. I hope you get this before you- Oh, Hi. Joel... Oh, you just came in... Listen, I cant make it to the game tonight... I, uh, have to tutor my nephew... Yeah, hes got an exam tomorrow... Geometry... You know, trapezoids, rhombus... Anyway, listen, you take the tickets. Theyre at the Will-Call window... And Im really sorry... Have a good time... Well talk next week... Okay... Yeah, I dont... Fine.. Fine... Bye."
GEORGE,Trapezoid?,JERRY,I know. Im really running out of excuses with this guy. I need some kind of excuse rolodex.
ELAINE,"Come on, lets go do something. I dont wanna just sit around here.",JERRY,Okay.
ELAINE,Want to go get something to eat?,JERRY,Where do you want to go?
ELAINE,"I dont care, Im not hungry.",JERRY,We could go to one of those uh cappuccino places. They let you just sit there.
ELAINE,What are we gonna do there? Talk?,JERRY,We could talk.
ELAINE,Ill go if I dont have to talk.,JERRY,Then well just sit there.
ELAINE,"Okay. Im gonna check my machine first. (Elaine sees a pad of paper by the phone; reading) Picking someone up at the airport, jury duty, waiting for cable guy...",JERRY,"Okay, just hand that over, please."
ELAINE,"Oh, what is this?",JERRY,"Its a list of excuses, its for that guy, Horneck, whos at the game tonight with my tickets. I have that list now so in case he calls, I just consult it and I dont have to see him. (Elaine laughs.) I need it. (Elaine starts writing on the list.) What are you doing?"
ELAINE,I got some for you.,JERRY,I dont need any more.
ELAINE,"No no no no no, these are good. Listen, listen You ran out of underwear, you cant leave the house.",JERRY,(not amused) Very funny.
ELAINE,How about Youve been diagnosed as a multiple personality. Youre not even you. Youre Dan.,JERRY,"Im Dan. Can I have my list back, please?"
ELAINE,"Here, here. Jerry Seinfeld, I cannot believe youre doing this. This is absolutely infantile.",JERRY,What can I do?
ELAINE,Deal with it. Be a man!,JERRY,Oh no. Thats impossible. Id rather lie to him for the rest of my life that go through that again. He was crying. Tears. Accompanied by mucus.
ELAINE,You made a man cry? Ive never made a man cry. I even kicked a guy in the groin once and he didnt cry. I got the cab.,JERRY,Couple of tough monkeys.
KRAMER,"Oh, hi Elaine, hey. (to Jerry) Hey, you missed a great game tonight, buddy!",JERRY,Game?
KRAMER,Knick game. Horneck took me. We were sitting two rows behind the bench. We're getting hit by sweat!,JERRY,Wait. How does Horneck know you?
KRAMER,"Last week. When I, you know, gave you the phone. Hes really into my pizza place idea!",JERRY,This is too much.
ELAINE,"Wait, what pizza place idea?",JERRY,"Oh, no."
KRAMER,Yeah.,JERRY,Perfect.
JOEL,"So, I though you were tutoring your nephew?",JERRY,"Oh, we finished early."
JOEL,"M-hm, Ill bet. So, are you going to introduce me to your nephew?",JERRY,"Elaine Benes, this is Joel Horneck."
JOEL,"Whoa, Nelson! This is Elaine? I though you guys split?",JERRY,Were still friends.
ELAINE,"Oh, no no. Tuesdays uh no good becasue weve got choir practice.",JERRY,Right. I forgot about choir.
ELAINE,We-Were doing that evening of Eastern European National Anthems.,JERRY,"Right. You know, the Wall being down and everything."
JOEL,"You know, I should really try something like that.",JERRY,You really should.
JOEL,"Forty-one home games. Let's see saturday night weve got the Mavericks. If you dont like the Mavericks, next Tuesday Lakers. I mean, you gotta like Magic, right? Lets see, on the road, on the road, on the road, on the road, back on the fourteenth. They play the Bulls. You cant miss Air Jordan...",JERRY,"You know, I really... Ive come to the conclusion that there are certain friends in your life that theyre just always your friends, and you have to accept it. You see them, you dont really wanna see them. You dont call them, they call you. You dont call back, they call again. The only way to get through talking with people that you dont really have anything in common with is to pretend youre hosting your own little talk show. This is what I do. You pretend theres a little desk around you. The only problem with this is theres no way you can say, Hey, its been great having you on the show. Were out of time."
GEORGE,I never heard him say anything really funny.,JERRY,"But its common sense. Hes got super strength, super speed. Im sure hes got super humor."
GEORGE,"You would think that, but either youre born with a sense of humor, or youre not. Its not going to change even if you go from the red sun of Krypton all the way to the yellow sun of the Earth.",JERRY,Why? Why would that one area of his mind not be affected by the yellow sun of Earth?
ELAINE,"I know, I know. Im sorry Im late.",JERRY,No problem.
ELAINE,"I dropped a grape in the kitchen and it disappeared. I couldnt find it. I was, I was literally on my knees for ten minutes looking for this stupid grape. I have no idea where it went.",JERRY,"Were you crying? I mean, its just a grape. Youll find it."
ELAINE,"No, Im just getting over an allergy attack. This guy Im going out with...",JERRY,Robert.
GEORGE,Guys with cats... I dont know.,JERRY,"Ive been thinking about asking this girl Im, uh, seeing-"
ELAINE,Vanessa.,JERRY,"Vanessa, thank you. Ive been thinking about asking her to go away for a couple of days."
GEORGE,"Thats exquisite. Listen, uh, if its not too much trouble, could you pass me that paper over there?",JERRY,"You better find that grape before it mutates into another life form. There was once a mutant grape that terrorized an entire town in the Texas panhandle. They brought in the army, nobody could stop it. Apparently it had a pit of steel."
GEORGE,A stock.,JERRY,What stock?
GEORGE,"Did you ever meet my friend, Simons?",JERRY,Maybe.
GEORGE,"He knows this guy, Wilkinson. He made a fortune in the stock market. Now hes got some new thing. You know, theres supposed to be a big merger. He wasnt even supposed to say anything. You guys should think about doing this too.",JERRY,How highs it suppose to go?
GEORGE,"I dont know. But Simons said that if I wanted to get involved, that Wilkinson would tell me the exact right minute to sell. You wanna do it?",JERRY,Boy... I dont know.
ELAINE,Id do it but I dont have any money.,JERRY,What kind of company is it?
GEORGE,Some sort of electronic thingy.,JERRY,"Well, how much are you going to invest?"
GEORGE,Five thousand... Ten. Ten thousand. Five thousand.,JERRY,Boy...
GEORGE,Cmon. Wilkinsons got millions invested in this stock. Its gone up three points since Ive been watching it.,JERRY,What if I lose it?
GEORGE,"Cmon, go for twenty-five hundred. Well do it together. Come on, come on. Were in it together.",JERRY,All right. Twenty-five hundred.
GEORGE,(Gesturing to Jerry) Check the raiser.,JERRY,My bet? All right. Ill open with a tuna sandwich.
ELAINE,Tuna?,JERRY,"Oh, the dolphin thing?"
ELAINE,Theyre dying in the nets.,JERRY,"Ohhh... You know, the whole concept of lunch is based on tuna."
ELAINE,"Jerry, cant you incorporate one unselfish act in your daily routine?",JERRY,"Hey, when Im driving, I let people in ahead of me all the time. Im always waving everybody in. Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead. ...All right. All right. Ill have a chicken salad."
GEORGE,Ill have the tuna.,JERRY,"I have to say, those people talking behind us really ruined that movie for me."
VANESSA,Why didnt you do something?,JERRY,"What do you want me to do? I gave the guy the half-turn. (acts like he did in the movie) Then I gave him the full-turn with the eye roll. (does the next look) I mean, beyond that, Im risking a punch in the mouth. (To a stock boy) Excuse me, do you have these in the puffs?"
VANESSA,"Yeah, Ive been thinking about it.",JERRY,"You know, my friend told me about this great place in Vermont."
VANESSA,I dont know. I just worry about trips like this. Its a lot of pressure.,JERRY,Its great! It speeds up the intimacy level. Its like putting the relationship in a time compressor. Where we would be six months from now we accomplish (snaps his fingers) three days.
VANESSA,"Oh, so you want to move our relationship into Phase Two?",JERRY,"Exactly. I love Phase Two. Extra toothbrushes, increased phone call frequency, walking around naked. You know, the presents get a lot better in Phase Two."
VANESSA,Really? Could we go fishing up there?,JERRY,"Yeah. We can fish. What? Blues, carp, marlin?"
VANESSA,They have marlin in Vermont?,JERRY,"Oh, big fighting marlin. (Jerry acts like he is catching a marlin)"
JERRY ,"I know. But this is a different paper. I thought maybe they have, uh, different... sources.",JERRY,Is that my paper?
KRAMER,"Bad news, my friend.",JERRY,What? What news?
KRAMER ,Sendrax.,JERRY,"Oh, cmon! Its down again?!"
KRAMER,Two and a half points.,JERRY,"Oh, I cant believe it. Let me see that. (Jerry takes the paper.) Thats four and a half points in three days! Thats almost half my money!"
KRAMER,"Hey, I told you.",JERRY,"(sarcastic) Yeah, you told me."
KRAMER,Its all manipulated with junk bonds. You cant win.,JERRY,"Theres one thing I dont understand. Why does it please you? (to the phone) George Costanza, please."
KRAMER,"Hey, I dont care. Im just telling you to (yelling) get rid of that stock, now!",JERRY,"(to the phone) George, whats going on?!"
KRAMER,"Sell it, just say Im selling!",JERRY,"(to the phone) Well, where is the guy?!... Nothing?! Almost half my moneys gone... Well, call me right back. (Jerry hangs up.) Nobody can reach Wilkinson. He hasnt been home or in his office in the past three days!"
KRAMER,"You know, I cant believe you put your money in that Sendrax. And you couldve invested in my roll-out tie dispenser.",JERRY,Roll-out tie dispenser? What was that one?
KRAMER,"Okay, youre in a restaurant. Youve got a very big meeting coming up...",JERRY,Okay...
KRAMER,"(looks at his shirt as if he had a tie on) Oh man, you got mustard on your tie!",JERRY,(going along with it) Oh No!
KRAMER,"You just (makes the tearing sound) tear it off, and vvvvrrrpppp you got a new one right here. Then youre gone.",JERRY,Youre gone all right.
KRAMER,"(Looking at map) Hey, where, where are you going? You gonna take a trip? The map... what...",JERRY,"Yeah, Im going to Vermont with uh Vanessa for a few days."
KRAMER,"Hey, can I use your place? I got a bunch of friends coming over this weekend.",JERRY,What friends?
KRAMER,"Well, its just some people I met at a rock concert. (Phone rings.) Do you mind if they use your bed? (Jerry give Kramer a look.) Cause theyre really good people, Jerry. Im telling you. You know, theyre anarchists. Theyre.. theyre.. theyre.. huge.",JERRY,"George- What?! Youre kidding... Well, whats wrong?... So, what are we gonna do?... Great!... All right, Ill speak to you later. (He hangs up.) Wilkinson, the guy whos supposed to tell us when to sell the stock, hes in the hospital."
GEORGE,All Simons was able to find out is that hes in the hospital.,JERRY,"Okay, fine. Has Simons been in touch with him?"
GEORGE,"Of course hes been in touch with him. Hes left two messages. He just hasnt heard back yet, thats all.",JERRY,"Well, this is it. Im selling."
GEORGE,Just give it a little more time.,JERRY,I never shouldve gotten involved in this. Im a nervous wreck. Im not cut out for investing.
GEORGE,"All right, all right. Thats it. Im gonna go down there.",JERRY,Where?
GEORGE,To the hospital.,JERRY,The hospital?
GEORGE,Im going to find out whats going on. All right?,JERRY,Are you nuts? You dont even know the guy.
GEORGE,"So what? Ill start talking to him, you know, casual, and Ill work my way around to it.",JERRY,"What if hes in an iron lung or something? What are you gonna do? (Jerry knocks on imaginary glass.) How you feeling, Mr. Wilkinson? (He makes a hissing sound.) By the way, whats happening with Sendrax?"
GEORGE,Maybe hes resting.,JERRY,Who goes to the hospital to rest?
GEORGE,"What are you, a doctor?",JERRY,"Okay, fine, fine. When are you going down there?"
GEORGE,Today. Im going today. Just dont do anything until you hear from me.,JERRY,All right.
DRY CLEANER,(to Jerry) May I help you?,JERRY,Yeah. I picked up this shirt here yesterday. Its completely shrunk. Theres absolutely no way I can wear it.
DRY CLEANER,When did you bring it in?,JERRY,Whats the difference? Look at it! Do you see the size of this shirt?!
DRY CLEANER,You got a receipt?,JERRY,I cant find the receipt.
DRY CLEANER,You should get the receipt.,JERRY,"Look, forget about the receipt, all right? Even if I had the receipt- look at it! Its a hand puppet. What am I gonna do with this?!"
DRY CLEANER,"Yes, but how do I know we did the shirt?",JERRY,"What do you think this is a little scam I have? I take this tiny shirt all over the city conning dry cleaners out of money? In fact, forget the money. I dont even want the money. I just once, I would like to hear a dry cleaner admit that something was their fault. Thats what I want. I want an admission of guilt."
DRY CLEANER,Maybe you asked for it to be washed.,JERRY,No! Dry-cleaned.
DRY CLEANE,"Let me explain to you something, okay? With certain types of fabrics, different chemicals can react, causing-",JERRY,You shrunk it! You know you shrunk it! Just tell me that you shrunk it!
DRY CLEANER,(looks around making sure not too many people are listening) I shrunk it.,JERRY,"I think the only reason we go to the dry cleaner is so I can say to the dry cleaner, Well, its ruined. And of course, the dry cleaner can respond, Its not our fault. Were not responsible. We just ruin the clothes. That ends our legal obligation. You see, the whole problem with dry cleaning is that we all believe that this is actually possible. Th-Right? Theyre cleaning our clothes, but theyre not getting anything wet. Its all dry. I know theres gotta be some liquids back there, some fluids that theyre using. Theres no such thing as dry cleaning. When you get something on your shirt, ever get something on your shirt and try to get it off like that (Jerry brushes off his shirt.) Thats dry cleaning. I dont think thats what theyre doing back there. They dont have eighty guys going, Come on, hurry up! Theres a lot of shirts today!"
ELAINE,"I dont know. I cant think of any solution, unless of course they should meet with some unfortunate accident. What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats?",JERRY,"Well, it couldnt be too expensive. Thirteen, fourteen bucks a cat?"
ELAINE,"What do you think, Jerry? You wanna make twenty-eight bucks?",JERRY,Im no cat killer.
ELAINE,How about we go over there right now and we shave them?,JERRY,"Id really like to go, Elaine. But, George is coming back from the hospital. I gotta wait for him. But otherwise I would definitely go."
ELAINE,He actually went to the hospital?,JERRY,Yeah.
ELAINE,"Oh man, hes nuts.",JERRY,"Yeah, hes nuts. You wanta bump off a couple of cats. (Enter Kramer, holding a paper up to Jerry.) I know, I know. Its down again."
KRAMER,How much are you down altogether?,JERRY,I dont know.. fifteen hundred dollars.
KRAMER,Wow.,JERRY,"You dont have to say Wow. I know its Wow. (Kramer smiling) And theres that smile again. Well, what is that? (Intercom buzzes.) Its George."
KRAMER,"Oh, look at this one by the bus stop. Jerry, come here. Take a look at this.",JERRY,I really dont need to look.
KRAMER,What a body. Yeeaahh. Thats for me.,JERRY,"Yeah, and youre just what shes looking for too  a stranger leering through a pair of binoculars ten floors up."
KRAMER,Im gonna go down there and try and talk to her.,JERRY,What? What? Did you go down there? (George nods.) Did he tell you whats gonna happen? (George shakes his head.) How long were you there?
GEORGE,Fifteen seconds.,JERRY,You told him you knew Simons?
GEORGE,"Yeah, I mentioned Simons. Next thing I know, Im in the parking lot. Perhaps they had some sort of a falling out. Ill tell you one thing. I dont know what hes got. But for a sick guy, hes very strong.",JERRY,"Well, thats it. Look, Im going to Vermont. I dont want to think about this. Im selling."
GEORGE,Im keeping it. Im going down with the ship.,JERRY,So I know this guy. Im getting all my sneakers at a discount now.
VANESSA,I know. You mentioned it.,JERRY,"Oh yeah, right."
VANESSA,"No, its got a little battery.",JERRY,"Well, thats good."
VANESSA,"No, its okay.",JERRY,"So, I guess you dont find the separate faucets for the hot and cold, charming?"
VANESSA,Not especially.,JERRY,"Well, what do you want to do this afternoon?"
VANESSA,What can we do? Its raining.,JERRY,We cold play Sorry! We cold play Steal the Old Mans Bundle. (Vanessa not amused; Jerry thinking) Maybe I can get an extension cord and hang myself. (to Vanessa) What kind of perfume is that youre wearing?
VANESSA,"Oh, youve never heard of it.",JERRY,"No, what? What kind is it?"
VANESSA,I cant tell you.,JERRY,"(thinking) Yeah, thats normal. (to a man nearby) Excuse me, sir. Could I have a look at that business section?"
VANESSA,That stock? I thought you got out of that?,JERRY,I did. Im just curious. Its been almost a week. I want to check it out. (He finds the stock.) Six points? (to Vanessa) Its up six points!
VANESSA,I told you not to sell.,JERRY,You did not tell me not to sell.
VANESSA,I said the market fluctuates. Remember?,JERRY,"Look, Vanessa, of course the market fluctuates. Everybody knows that. I just got fluctuated out of four thousand dollars!"
VANESSA,Thats probably why we're-,JERRY,What?
VANESSA,Forget it.,JERRY,"No, what? Thats probably why.."
VANESSA,"Thats probably why were staying here, because you lost money on the stock.",JERRY,"(thinking) So, what am I looking at here? Twenty-nine hours to go. Well, at least I got plenty of time to find out the name of that perfume..."
GEORGE,So dont finish it.,JERRY,"(acidly) Shes full. So, Big Daddy. Im just curious. How much did you clear on your little transaction there, all told?"
GEORGE,I dont like to discuss figures.,JERRY,How much?
GEORGE,"I dont know, what? Eight thousand. Its a Hyundai. Get out of here. I told you not to sell. Simons made money, Wilkinson cleaned up.",JERRY,"So, Wilkinsons out of the hospital now?"
ELAINE,Oh god.,JERRY,Is that still from the cats?
ELAINE,"No, I just have a cold.",JERRY,"So, what ever happened with that?"
ELAINE,Theyre very clean animals.,JERRY,"I gotta say, thats pretty sad. Losing out to a cat."
ELAINE,Superman can go back in time?,JERRY,We went over that.
GEORGE,"Pst. (moves in close with Elaine and Jerry) Wilkinsons got a bite on a new one. Petramco Corp. Out of, uh Springfield. I think. Theyre about to introduce some sort of a robot butcher.",JERRY,A robot butcher?
GEORGE,"Shhhhh. If you want to get in, theres very little time. (calling to the waitress) Sweetheart.. (Waitress approaches and tears off a check. George stops her.) No, no, no. That ought to cover it. (He hands her some money; she turns to leave; George stops her.) Just a second. Just a... let me jus-peek... (He looks at the check, then takes some money out of her hand. George urges Jerry and Elaine to eat.) Come on, come on, come on...",JERRY,"Im not an investor. People always tell me, you should have your money working for you. Ive decided Ill do the work. Im gonna let the money relax. You know what I mean? Cause you send your money out there  working for you  a lot of times, it gets fired. You go back there, What happened? I had my money. It was here, it was working for me. Yeah, I remember your money. Showing up late. Taking time off. We had to let him go."
GEORGE,She cant kill me right?,JERRY,"No, of course not."
GEORGE,People break up all the time.,JERRY,Everyday.
GEORGE,It just didnt work out. What can I do? I wanted to love her. I tried to love her. I couldnt.,JERRY,You tried.
GEORGE,"I kept looking at her face. Id go, Cmon, love her. Love her!",JERRY,Did you tell her you loved her?
GEORGE,"Oh, I had no choice. She squeezed it out of me! Shed tell me she loved me. All right, at first, I just look at her. Id go, Oh, really? Or uh, Boy, thats, thats something. But, eventually you have to come back with, Well, I love you. You know, you can only hold out for so long.",JERRY,Youre a human being.
GEORGE,And I didnt even ask her out. She asked me out first. She called me up. What was I supposed to do? Say no? (laughs) I cant do that to someone.,JERRY,Youre too nice a guy.
GEORGE,"I am. Im a nice guy. And she seduced me! We were in my apartment, Im sitting on the couch, shes on the chair. I get up to go to the bathroom, I come back, shes on the couch. What am I supposed to do? Not do anything? I couldnt do that. I wouldve insulted her.",JERRY,Youre flesh and blood.
GEORGE,"I had nothing to do wtih any of this! I met all her friends, I didnt want to meet them. I kept trying to avoid it. I knew it would only get me in deeper. But they were everywhere! They kept popping up all over the place. This is Nancy, this is Susan, this is Amy, this is my cousin, this is my brother, this is my father... Its like Im in quicksand.",JERRY,I told you when I met her.
GEORGE,My back is killing me.,JERRY,"You gotta go to my chiropractor, hes the best."
GEORGE,"Oh yeah, everybodys guy is the best.",JERRY,Im gonna make an appointment for you. Well go together.
GEORGE,"Please. They dont do anything. Look, do I have to break up with her in person? Cant I do it over the phone? I-I have no stomach for these things.",JERRY,You should just do it like a Band-Aid. One motion! Right off!
ELAINE,Hi.,JERRY,Hi.
ELAINE,"Hello, Jerry.",JERRY,Hello.
ELAINE,Did you get a haircut?,JERRY,"No, shower. So, where are we eating?"
ELAINE,"And now, theres this intense animosity whenever we pass. I mean, its like we really hate each other. Its based on nothing.",JERRY,A relationship is an organism. You created this thing and then you starved it so it turned against you. Same thing happened in The Blob.
GEORGE,If I was a different person.,JERRY,"Hello... Hello. Is Glen there?... Im sorry. Is this 805-555-3234?... Yes, I know I have the wrong number, but I just want to know if I dialed wrong or if..."
KRAMER,(to the intercom) Come on up.,JERRY,"(to the phone) Oh, its you again. See, now if you had answered me, I wouldnt have had to do this. Now thats two long distance calls I made to you why cant you... (The guy hangs up on Jerry again; to nobody) Why? Why do they just hang up like that? Thank you very much."
KRAMER,Taste this.,JERRY,"No, I just had a sandwich."
KRAMER,"No, taste it. Taste it.",JERRY,I dont want cantaloupe now.
KRAMER,Youve never had cantaloupe like this before...,JERRY,I only eat cantaloupe at certain times...
KRAMER,...Jerry. This is great cantaloupe.,JERRY,...all right!
KRAMER,Uh-huh. Its good?,JERRY,Its very good.
KRAMER,"Good, huh?",JERRY,Good.
KRAMER,I got it at Joes.,JERRY,Uh-huh.
KRAMER,Forty-nine cents a pound. Thats practically half than what youre paying at the supermarket. I dont know why you dont go to Joes.,JERRY,Its too far.
KRAMER,Its three blocks further. You can use my shopping cart..,JERRY,"Im not pulling a shopping cart. What, am I suppose to wear a kerchief? Put stockings on and roll em down below my knee?"
KRAMER,"See, the other thing is, if you dont like anything, he takes it right back.",JERRY,I dont return fruit. Fruit is a gamble. I know that going in.
GEORGE,Im outta there. I did it! Its over.,JERRY,You did it? What happened?
GEORGE,I told her. In the kitchen  which was risky cause its near all the knives. I started with the word Listen.,JERRY,Uh-huh...
GEORGE,"I said, Listen Marlene, and then the next thing I know, Im in the middle of it. And theres this voice inside of me going, Youre doing it! Youre doing it! And then she started to cry, and I weakened a bit. I almost relented, but the voice, Jerry, the voice said, Keep going, keep going. Youre almost out! Its like I was making a prison break, you know, and Im heading for the wall, and I trip and I twist my ankle, and they throw the light on you, you know. So, somehow I get though the crying and I keep running. Then the cursing started. Shes firing at me from the guard tower. Son of a bang! Son of a boom! I get to the top of the wall  the front door. I opened it up, Im one foot away, I took one last look around the penitentiary, and I jumped!",JERRY,"See, its never as bad as you imagine."
GEORGE,"Uh, no, I, I dont think so.",JERRY,(to Kramer) Could you stop that smacking?
KRAMER,"Jerry, tell him how good this cantaloupe is.",JERRY,Its very good cantaloupe. (Kramer leaves; to George) So thats it? Youre out?
GEORGE,"Except for one small problem. Hah, I left some books in her apartment.",JERRY,"So, go get them."
GEORGE,"Oh, no no, I cant go back there. Jerry, its so awkward and, you know, it could be dangerous sexually. Something could happen, Id be right back where I started from.",JERRY,So forget about the books. Did you read them?
GEORGE,"Well, yeah.",JERRY,What do you need them for?
GEORGE,I dont know. Theyre books.,JERRY,What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like theyre trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?
GEORGE,Theyre my books.,JERRY,So you want me to get the books? Is that it?
MARLENE,"...so, it mustve been ninety-five degrees that night, and everyones just standing around the pool with little drinks in their hands. I was wearing my old jeans and t-shirt. And I dont know, I was just in one of those moods. So I said to myself, Marlene, just do it. And I jumped in. And as Im getting out, I feel all these eyes on me, and I look up and everyone is just staring at me.",JERRY,So whatd you do?
MARLENE,"Well, nothing. Its no skin off my hide if people like to look. I just didnt see what the big attraction was.",JERRY,"Well, I have a general idea what it was. I could take a guess."
MARLENE,"Hey, you know, Jerry, just because George and I dont see each other anymore, it doesnt mean we shouldnt stay friends.",JERRY,No.
MARLENE,Good enough. Im really glad we got that settled.,JERRY,I dont know how this happened.
GEORGE,"Jerry, its not my fault.",JERRY,"No, no. Its not your fault. Books, books, I need my books. Have you re-read those books yet, by the way? You know the great thing? When you read Moby Dick the second time, Ahab and the whale become good friends. You know, its not like Marlenes a bad person or anything, but, my God! I mean, weve had like three lunches and a movie, and she never stops calling. (George nods.) And its these meaningless, purposeless, blather calls. She never asks if Im busy or anything. I just pick up the phone, and shes in the middle of a sentence!"
GEORGE,It's standard. Has she left you one of those messages where she uses up the whole machine?,JERRY,"(disgusted) Ohh! You know, and sometimes shell go, (imitates Marlene) Hello, Jerry? And Ill go, Oh, hi Marlene. And then its Jerry..."
GEORGE,What trying to get off the phone?,JERRY,"(more disgusted) Ohhhh! You cant! Its impossible! Theres no break in the conversation where you can go, All right then... You know, it just goes on and on and on without a break in the wall. I mean, I gotta put a stop to this."
GEORGE,Just do it like a Band-Aid. One motion. Right off! (beat) She is sexy though. Dont you think?,JERRY,"Yeah. Yes, she is."
GEORGE,"(to Jerry, sarcastically) Yeah, doctor. Im going to have to wait in that little room all by myself, arent I? (He picks up a crossword puzzle.) I better take this. I hate the little room. (George walks into the hallway that leads to the doctors office.) Oh, hello, Doctor.",JERRY,"The waiting room. I hate when they make you wait in the room. Cause it says Waiting Room. Theres no chance of not waiting. Cause they call it the waiting room, theyre gonna use it. Theyve got it. Its all set up for you to wait. And you sit there, you know, and youve got your little magazine. You pretend youre reading it, but youre really looking at the other people. You know, youre thinking about about them. Things like, I wonder what hes got. As soon as she goes, Im getting her magazine. And then, they finally call you and its a very exciting moment. They finally call you, and you stand up and you kinda look around at the other people in the room. Well, I guess Ive been chosen. Ill see you all later. You know, so you think youre going to see the doctor, but youre not, are you? No. Youre going into the next waiting room  the littler waiting room. But if they are, you know, doing some sort of medical thing to you, you want to be in the smallest room that they have, I think. You dont wnat to be in the largest room that they have. You know what I mean? You ever see these operating theaters, that they have, with like, stadium seating? You dont want them doing anything to you that makes other doctors go, I have to see this! Are you kidding? Are they really gonna do that to him? Are there seats? Can we get in? Do they scalp tickets to these things? I got two for the Winslow tumor, I got two..."
GEORGE,"I was in there for two minutes. He didnt do anything. Touch this, feel that  seventy-five bucks!",JERRY,"Well, its a first visit."
GEORGE,"Whats seventy-five bucks?! What, am I seeing Sinatra in there?! Am I being entertained? I dont understand this. Im only paying half.",JERRY,You cant do that.
GEORGE,Why not?,JERRY,Hes a doctor. You gotta pay what he says.
MARLENE,Are you feeling weird?,JERRY,"No, Im fine."
MARLENE,Nothing really happened.,JERRY,"Yeah, I know."
MARLENE,We just kissed a little. People kiss.,JERRY,Yeah.
MARLENE,Well... night.,JERRY,(belated) Good night.
KRAMER,Hey.,JERRY,Hey.
KRAMER,"Hips! See, its all hips.",JERRY,Uh-huh.
KRAMER,You gotta come through with the hips first.,JERRY,That is out there.
KRAMER,Joes?,JERRY,"No, supermarket."
KRAMER,"Well, is it good?",JERRY,Its uh okay.
KRAMER,"See, that stinks. You cant eat that. You should take that back.",JERRY,Im not taking it back.
KRAMER,"All right, Ill take it back. Im going by there.",JERRY,I dont care about it.
KRAMER,"Jerry, you should care. Cantaloupe like this should be taken out of circulation.",JERRY,All right. Take it back.
KRAMER,Well?,JERRY,Marlene.
KRAMER,"(smiles) Oh. Oh, Marlene...",JERRY,"Yeah, I took her home one night  we kinda started up a little bit in the car."
KRAMER,I thought you were trying to get rid of her?,JERRY,"I was. But, shes got me, like, hypnotized."
KRAMER,Does George know?,JERRY,"No, hed go nuts."
KRAMER,"Yeah, no kidding.",JERRY,"I feel terrible. (Kramer smiling) I mean, Ive seen her a couple of times since then, and I know I cant go any further, but... Shes just got this like, psychosexual hold over me. I just want her, I cant breathe. Its like a drug."
KRAMER,"Whoa, psychosexual.",JERRY,I dont know how Im going to tell him.
KRAMER,"Man, I dont understand people. I mean, why would George want to deprive you of pleasure? Is it just me?",JERRY,"Its partially you, yeah."
KRAMER,Youre his friend. Better that she should sleep with someone else? Some jerk that he doesnt even know?,JERRY,"Well, he cant kill me, right?"
KRAMER,Youre a human being.,JERRY,"I mean, she called me. I havent called her. She started it."
KRAMER,Youre flesh and blood.,JERRY,Im a nice guy.
ELAINE,Hi.,JERRY,"(excited) Oh, my little airplane lamp."
ELAINE,"You know, you have the slowest elevator in the entire city. Thats hard to get used to when youre in so many other fast ones.",JERRY,"Well, the apartment elevators are always slower than the offices, because you dont have to be home on time."
ELAINE,Unless youre married to a dictator.,JERRY,Yeah... Because they would be very demanding people.
KRAMER,Nope. No good.,JERRY,"Well, you know what they say. Lucky in love, Unlucky with fruit."
ELAINE,"So, I had what you might call a little encounter this morning.",JERRY,Really? That guy who stopped saying hello?
ELAINE,Yes.,JERRY,You talked to him?
ELAINE,"Yes. I spotted him getting his mail. And at first, I was just going to walk on by, but then I thought, No no no. No. Do not be afraid of this man.",JERRY,Right.
ELAINE,"So, I walked up behind him and I tapped him on the shoulder. And I said, Hi, remember me? And he furrows his brow, as if hes really trying to figure it out. So I said to him, I said, You little phony. You know exactly who I am.",JERRY,"You said ""you little phony""?"
ELAINE,"I did. I most certainly did. And he said, he goes, Oh, yeah. Youre Jeanettes friend. We did meet once. And I said, Well, how do you go from that to totally ignoring a person when they walk by?",JERRY,This is amazing.
ELAINE,"And he says, he says, Look, I just didnt want to say hello anymore, All right? And I said, Fine. Fine. I didnt want to say hello anymore either, but just I wanted you to know that Im aware of it!",JERRY,"You are the Queen of Confrontation. Youre my new hero. In fact, youve inspired me. Im gonna call George about something right now."
GEORGE,(considers for a second) I dont care.,JERRY,Youre kidding.
GEORGE,"No, I dont care.",JERRY,You mean that?
GEORGE,Absolutely.,JERRY,You dont care?
GEORGE,No.,JERRY,How could you not care?
GEORGE,I dont know. But I dont. Im actually almost happy to hear it.,JERRY,I thought youd be upset.
GEORGE,"I guess I should be, but Im not.",JERRY,Am I a bad person? Did I do something terrible?
GEORGE,Youre a fine person. Youre a humanitarian. Shes very sexy.,JERRY,That voice. That voice. Shes driving me crazy.
GEORGE,I know. I know.,JERRY,"So I can see her tonight, and you dont care?"
GEORGE,See her tonight. See her tomorrow. Go. Knock yourself out. Shes too crazy for me.,JERRY,All right. As long as youre okay. Because I cant stop thinking about her.
GEORGE,Im okay. Im fine. Im wonderful. I never felt better in my whole life.,JERRY,Good. And Ill tell you what... You dont have to pay me back the thirty-five I gave to the chiropractor for the rest of your bill.
GEORGE,(shocked and angry) You paid that crook?!,JERRY,I had to.
GEORGE,"He didnt do anything, Jerry. Its a scam! Who told you to do that?",JERRY,It was embarrassing to me.
GEORGE,"Oh, I was trying to make a point.",JERRY,Why dont you make a point with your own doctor? (George gulps.) Whats wrong?
GEORGE,(gasping) I think I swallowed a fly! I swallowed a fly! What do I do? (He turns to a coffee shop patron at the counter.) What can happen?!,JERRY,"So, you wanna come up for a few minutes?"
MARLENE,"Im sorry, Jerry. I just dont think this is gonna work.",JERRY,Really? I thought...
MARLENE,"I know, Im sorry.",JERRY,"Gee, I just didnt expect it from the way youve been acting."
MARLENE,You sure you want to talk about this? Cause I sure dont.,JERRY,Of course I want to talk about it.
MARLENE,"Well, okay. I guess things changed for me on Tuesday night.",JERRY,Tuesday night? What happened Tuesday night?
MARLENE,I saw your act.,JERRY,My act? Wha-What does that have to do with anything?
MARLENE,"Well, to be honest, it just didnt make it for me. Its just so much fluff.",JERRY,"I cant believe this. So what are you saying? You didnt like my act, so thats it?"
MARLENE,I cant be with someone if I dont respect what they do.,JERRY,Youre a cashier!
MARLENE,"Look, Jerry, its just wasn't my kind of humor.",JERRY,You cant go by the audience that night. It was late. They were terrible.
MARLENE,I heard the material.,JERRY,I have other stuff. Y-You should come see me on the weekend.
HELEN,Hello?... Hello?,JERRY,Hi.
HELEN,Hi.,JERRY,(to Morty) Would you make this thing lower! I can hear it on the street!
MORTY,"So, howd you do?",JERRY,We won. I made an incredible play in the field! There was a tag-up at third base and I threw the guy out from left field on a fly! Well be in the championship game Wednesday because of me. It was the single greatest moment in my life.
HELEN,This is your greatest moment? A game?,JERRY,"Well, no. Sharon Besser, of course."
HELEN,"Jerry, look at this sport jacket. Is this a jacket to wear to an anniversary party?",JERRY,"Well, the mans an individualist  he worked for Harry Flemming. He knows what hes doing."
HELEN,"You know, I spoke to Manya and Isaac on the phone today. They invited you again. I think you should go.",JERRY,"First of all, I made plans with Elaine."
HELEN,So bring her.,JERRY,"I dont even know them. What is she, your second cousin? I mean, Ive met them three times in my life."
MORTY,How come he gets to leave?,JERRY,"If I wind up sitting next to Uncle Leo, I am leaving. Hes always grabbing my arm when he talks to me. I guess its because so many people have left in the middle of his conversation."
MORTY,"And its always about Jeffrey, right?",JERRY,Yeah. He talks about him like he split the atom. The kid works for the Parks Department.
KRAMER,"(to Jerry) Hey, howd you do?",JERRY,We won. Were in the finals on Wednesday.
KRAMER,Yeah!,JERRY,(to Kramer and Morty) What is this about?
KRAMER,Im completely changing the configuration of the apartment. Youre not gonna believe it when you see it. A whole new lifestyle.,JERRY,What are you doing?
KRAMER,Levels.,JERRY,Levels?
KRAMER,"Yeah, Im getting rid of all my furniture. All of it. And Im going to build these different levels, with steps, and itll all be carpeted with a lot of pillows. You know, like ancient Egypt.",JERRY,You drew up plans for this?
KRAMER,"Oh, Ill be comfortable.",JERRY,When do you intend to do this?
KRAMER,Ohh... should be done by the end of the month.,JERRY,Youre doing this yourself?
KRAMER,"Its a simple job. Why, you dont think I can?",JERRY,"Oh, no. Its not that I dont think you can. I know that you cant, and Im positive that you wont."
MORTY,"Hey, thats some big job.",JERRY,"I, dont see it happening."
KRAMER,"Well, this time, this time youre wrong. Cmon. Ill even bet you.",JERRY,Seriously?
KRAMER,A big dinner with dessert. But Ive got till the end of the month.,JERRY,Ill give you a year.
KRAMER,No no no. End of the month.,JERRY,Its a bet.
UNCLE LEO,"Jerry, are you listening to this?",JERRY,"Yeah, Uncle Leo."
UNCLE LEO,"So, so, now the parks commissioner is recommending Jeffrey for a citation.",JERRY,Right. For the reducing of the pond scum?
UNCLE LEO,"No, for the walking tours.",JERRY,"Oh, yeah. Where the people eat the plant life. The edible foliage tour."
UNCLE LEO,"Thats exactly right. He knows the whole history of the park. For two hours hes talking and answering questions. But you want to know something? Whenever he has a problem with one of these high-powered big shots in the Parks Department, you know who he calls?",JERRY,Mickey Mantle?
ELAINE,"(saving Jerry from Leo) Jerry, Jerry. Did you taste these peas? (to Manya) These peas are great!",JERRY,(eating a forkful) These peas are bursting with country fresh flavor.
MORTY,Are you ready for dessert?,JERRY,"Well, actually, we do have to kind of get going."
ELAINE,"Oh uh, I dont really eat dessert. Im dieting.",JERRY,"Yeah, I cant eat dessert either. The sugar makes my ankles swell up, and I cant dance."
HELEN,"I hear the fella owns a couple of racehorses. You know, trotters, like at Yonkers.",JERRY,Horses? Theyre like big riding dogs.
ELAINE,What about ponies? What kind of abnormal animal is that? And those kids who had their own ponies...,JERRY,"I know, I hated those kids. In fact, I hate anyone that ever had a pony when they were growing up."
MANYA,(angry) I had a pony.,JERRY,"Well, I didnt uh really mean a pony, per se..."
MANYA,"When I was a little girl in Poland, we all had ponies. My sister had pony, my cousin had pony... So, whats wrong with that?",JERRY,Nothing. Nothing at all. I was just merely expressing...
MANYA,He was a beautiful pony! And I loved him.,JERRY,"Well, Im sure you did. Who wouldnt love a pony? Who wouldnt love a person that had a pony?"
MANYA,You! You said so!,JERRY,"No, see, we didnt have ponies. Im sure at that time in Poland, they were very common. They were probably like compact cars.."
ISAAC,"Have your coffee, everybody. Shes a little upset. Its been an emotional day.",JERRY,"I didnt know she had a pony. How was I to know she had a pony? Who figures an immigrants going to have a pony? Do you know what the odds are on that? I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats coming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sittin on a pony. Why would anybody come here if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? It doesnt make sense. Am I wrong?"
HELEN,"No, were taking a cab.",JERRY,I just hope that whole pony incident didnt put a damper on the trip.
MORTY,"Hey, I agree with him. Nobody likes a kid with a pony.",JERRY,"Well, if you ever talk to her, tell her Im sorry. Elaine too. She feels terrible."
HELEN,"You know, you should give Manya a call.",JERRY,Maybe I will.
KRAMER,"Oh, well... I decided Im not gonna do it.",JERRY,(laughing) Really? What a shock.
HELEN,"Goodbye, Jerry.",JERRY,Take care.
MORTY,"Bye, Jer.",JERRY,"Bye, Dad. Take it easy."
KRAMER,"Yeah. So long, Morty.",JERRY,"So, when do I get my dinner?"
KRAMER,Theres no dinner. The bets off. Im not gonna do it.,JERRY,"Yes, I know youre not gonna do it. Thats why I bet."
KRAMER,"Ya well, theres no bet if Im not doing it.",JERRY,Thats the bet! That youre not doing it!
KRAMER,"Yeah, well, I could do it. I dont wanna do it.",JERRY,We didnt bet on if you wanted to. We bet on if it would be done.
KRAMER,And it could be done.,JERRY,"Well, of course it could be done! Anything could be done! But it only is done if its done! Show me the levels! The bet is the levels!"
KRAMER,I dont want the levels!,JERRY,"Thats the bet! (The phone rings; Jerry answers it.) Hello?... No- oh, hi... (Kramer leaves) no, they just left... Oh, my God... hang on a second. Maybe I can still catch em. (Jerry goes over to the window and opens it; calling out the window) Ma! Ma! Up here! Dont get in the cab! Manya died! Manya died!!"
HELEN,Who did you talk to?,JERRY,Uncle Leo.
HELEN,And whens the funeral?,JERRY,I dont know. He said hed call back.
HELEN,She just had a check-up. The doctor said she was fine. Unless...,JERRY,What?
HELEN,What? Nothing.,JERRY,You dont think... What? The pony remark?
HELEN,"Oh, dont be ridiculous. She was an old woman.",JERRY,You dont think that I killed her?
MORTY,You know what the flight backll cost us?,JERRY,It was just an innocent comment! I didnt know she had a pony!
MORTY,"Maybe we can get an army transport flight. They got a base in Sarasota, I think.",JERRY,The whole thing was taking out of context. It was a joke. (The phone rings.) Thats probably Uncle Leo.
HELEN,The funerals Wednesday.,JERRY,"Wednesday? What, what Wednesday?"
HELEN,"Two o clock, Wednesday.",JERRY,Ah
HELEN,What?,JERRY,Ive got the softball game on Wednesday. Its the championship.
HELEN,So? Youre not obligated. Go play in your game.,JERRY,I didnt even know the woman.
HELEN,So dont go.,JERRY,I mean I met her three times. I dont even know her last name.
HELEN,"Jerry, no ones forcing you.",JERRY,"I mean, who has a funeral on a Wednesday? Thats what I want to know. I mean, its the championship, Im hitting everything."
MORTY,What? Im gonna buy a new sport jacket now?,JERRY,I dont know what to do.
MORTY,(depressed) You know what this funerals gonna wind up costing me? Oh boy!,JERRY,"We dont understand death. And the proof of this is that we give dead people a pillow. And, uh, I mean, hey, you know. I think if you cant stretch out and get some solid rest at that point, I dont see how bedding accessories really make the difference. I mean, they got the guy in a suit with a pillow. Now, is he going to a meeting, or is he catching forty winks? I mean, lets make up our mind where we think theyre going."
ELAINE,I actually like ponies. I was just trying to make conversation. What times your game?,JERRY,Two Forty-Five.
ELAINE,And what times the funeral?,JERRY,Two o clock.
ELAINE,How long does a funeral take?,JERRY,"Depends on how nice the person was. But you gotta figure, even Oswald took forty-five minutes."
ELAINE,So you cant do both?,JERRY,"You know, if the situation were reversed and Manya had some mah-jongg championship or something, I wouldnt expect her to go to my funeral. I would understand."
GEORGE,"They always make me take stock of my life. And how Ive pretty much wasted all of it, and how I plan to continue wasting it.",JERRY,"I know, and then you say to yourself, From this moment on, Im not gonna waste any more of it. But then you go, How? What can I do thats not wasting it?"
ELAINE,He has to go. He may have killed her.,JERRY,Me? What about you? You brought up the pony.
GEORGE,(to Jerry) Whos going to play left field?,JERRY,Bender.
GEORGE,You know how easy it is for dead people to travel? Its not like getting on a bus. One second. (snaps his fingers) Its all mental.,JERRY,Fifty years they were married. Now hes moving to Pheonix.
ELAINE,Phoenix? Whats happening with his appartment?,JERRY,"I dont know. Theyve been in there since, like, World War II. The rents three hundred a month."
EULOGIST,"Although this may seem like a sad event, it should not be a day of mourning. For Manya had a rich, fulfilling life. She grew up in a different world  a simpler world  with loving parents, a beautiful home in the country, and from what I understand, she eve had a pony. (Jerry throws up his hands.) Oh, how she loved that pony. Even in her declining years, whenever she would speak of it, her eyes would light up. Its lustrous coat, its flowing mane. It was the pride of Krakow.",JERRY,"Well, the games starting just about now."
MORTY,Youve got your degree. They dont care. They just want to see something.,JERRY,I just wanted to say how sorry I was...
UNCLE LEO,"Jerry, you wanna hear something? Your cousin, Jeffrey, is switching parks. Theyre transferring him to Riverside - so hell completely revamp that operation, you understand?",JERRY,Yeah.
MORTY,"You dont understand, Ive never paid a full fare.",JERRY,"Once again, I just want to say how sorry I am about the other night."
ELAINE,"Oh, Jeffrey.",JERRY,You know Jeffery?
HELEN,Its raining.,JERRY,Its raining? Its raining. The game will be postponed. Well play tomorrow.
GEORGE,Who gets picked off in softball? Its unheard of.,JERRY,Its never happened to me before.
ELAINE,"I remember saying to myself, Why is Jerry so far off the base?",JERRY,Ill have to live with this shame for the rest of my life.
GEORGE,"And then in the fifth inning, why did you take off on the pop fly?",JERRY,I thought there were two outs.
GEORGE,(smiling) What about Sharon Besser?,JERRY,"Oh, well, of course. Nineteen-seventy-three."
ELAINE,"Makes you wonder, though, doesnt it?",JERRY,Wonder about what?
ELAINE,You know... (looking up) the spirit world.,JERRY,You think Manya showed up during the game and put a hex on me?
ELAINE,I never saw anyone play like that.,JERRY,But I went to the funeral.
GEORGE,Maybe Manya missed the funeral because she was off visiting another galaxy that day.,JERRY,Dont you think she woulda heard I was there?
GEORGE,Not necessarily.,JERRY,Who figures and immigrants gonna have a pony?
ELAINE,"The back? They never find anything in the back. If they had anything good in the back, theyd put it out in the front.",JERRY,"Why dont they open up an entire store for the back? Call it, Just Back. All back; No front. You walk in the front, youre immediately in the back. (Jerry picks up a tie display, and shakes it rhythmically from left to right.) Look, Elaine, tie carwash."
CUSTOMER,"Oh, I just read that. Thats terrific.",JERRY,(pointing to Elaine) Her father wrote that.
ELAINE,"Hey, dont forget Sunday, okay? You and George are coming, right? Hotel Westbury, eight oclock.",JERRY,I guess Im coming. I mean...
ELAINE,"What? What, you dont want to go now?",JERRY,"No, Ill go. Im going."
ELAINE,"No, Jerry, you have to. I need a buffer. You know, I havent seen my father in a while and... you know...",JERRY,"Im worried I wont be able to talk to him. Hes such a great writer. Frankly, I prefer the company of nitwits."
ELAINE,"So, thats why were not together anymore.",JERRY,What is this?
ELAINE,"Wow, this is soft suede.",JERRY,This may be the most perfect jacket I have ever put on.
ELAINE,(shocked) Oh my God.,JERRY,Bad? (Elaine nods.) Very bad?
ELAINE,You have no idea.,JERRY,I have some idea.
ELAINE,No idea.,JERRY,Ive got a ballpark.
ELAINE,There is no park and the team has relocated.,JERRY,Let me see that. (Jerry looks at the tag.) That is high.
ELAINE,"Oh man, that is a beautiful jacket, though.",JERRY,Whats with the pink lining and the candy stripes?
ELAINE,"Well, its just a lining. You can always have it changed.",JERRY,"Should I get it? I hate these moments. Im hearing the dual voices now, you know, What about the money? Whats money?"
SALESMAN,It looks wonderful on you.,JERRY,Hey.
KRAMER,Hey. New jacket?,JERRY,What do you think?
KRAMER,Its beautiful.,JERRY,Is it me?
KRAMER,Thats definitely you.,JERRY,Really?
KRAMER,"Thats more you than youve ever been. Hey, what is with the pink lining?",JERRY,I dont know. Its got a pink lining.
KRAMER,How much?,JERRY,Whats the difference?
KRAMER,"What, youre not gonna tell me?",JERRY,Id rather not say it out loud. Its embarrassing.
KRAMER,Over three hundred?,JERRY,"Yes, but lets just stop it right there."
KRAMER,Is it over four hundred?,JERRY,Would you?
KRAMER,"Woah, Nelson!",JERRY,"I know, I know."
KRAMER,What are you gonna do with the leather one?,JERRY,I dont know.
KRAMER,"Well, are you gonna wear it?",JERRY,Maybe.
KRAMER,Youre not going to wear this.,JERRY,Do you want it?
KRAMER,"Well, yeah. Okay. Ill take it. I like the jacket.",JERRY,"Okay, take it."
GEORGE,(singing) Master of the house/Doling out the charm/Ready with a handshake and an open palm/Tells a saucy talk/Loves to make a stir/Everyone appreciates a...,JERRY,What is that song?
GEORGE,"Oh, its from Les Miserables. I went to see it last week. I cant get it out of my head. I just keep singing it over and over. It just comes out. I have no control over it. Im singin it on elevators, buses. Im singin it in front of clients. Its taken over my life.",JERRY,"You know, Schumann went mad from that."
GEORGE,Artie Schuman? From Camp Hatchapee?,JERRY,"No, you idiot."
GEORGE,"What are you, Bud Abbott? What are you callin me an idiot?",JERRY,You dont know Robert Schumann? The composer?
GEORGE,"Oh, Schumann. Of course.",JERRY,He went crazy from one note. He couldnt get it out of his head. I think it was an A. He kept repeating it over and over again. He had to be institutionalized.
GEORGE,"Really? (Jerry nods his head) Well, what if it doesnt stop? Oh, that I really needed to hear. That helps a lot! All right, just say something. Just start talking. Change the subject. Lets just go, All right? I cant believe were having dinner with Alton Benes.",JERRY,"I know exactly whats gonna happen tonight. Im gonna try and act like Im not impressed, hes gonna see right through it."
GEORGE,"Yeah, hell be looking at us like hes backstage at a puppet show.",JERRY,Let me just get my jacket.
GEORGE,(singing)  Master of the house/Keeper of the inn... (Jerry re-enters the living room and modestly models his new jacket for George. George is impressed.) This is huge! When did this happen?,JERRY,"Wednesday. This jacket has completely changed my life. When I leave the house in this, its with a whole different confidence. Like tonight, I mightve been a little nervous. But, inside this jacket, I am composed, grounded, secure that I can meet any social challenge."
GEORGE,Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality.,JERRY,Absolutely.
GEORGE,Its fabulous.,JERRY,I know.
KRAMER,"(to Jerry) Hey. Hey, would you do me a solid?",JERRY,"Well, what kind of solid?"
KRAMER,I need you to sit in the car for two minutes while its double-parked. I gotta pick up some birds.,JERRY,Birds?
KRAMER,"Yeah. A friend of mine, hes a magician. Hes going away on vacation. He asked me to take care of his doves.",JERRY,So take a cab.
KRAMER,They wont take a cage full of birds.,JERRY,I cant. Im on my way out. Theres no way I can do it.
KRAMER,"All right... Yeah. All right, have a good one.",JERRY,"(scoffs) Two minutes. Believe me, I know his two minutes. By his conception of time, his life will last over two thousand years."
GEORGE,(singing) Master of the House/Quick to catch your eye/Never wants a passerby to pass him by...,JERRY,"Schumann. (George stops himself, frightened. Jerry looks around the lobby.) Where are they?"
GEORGE,Maybe he didnt show up.,JERRY,"What, you dont want to do this?"
GEORGE,"I dont think theres ever been an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up. (George notices an elderly man in a leather chair.) Wait a second, is that him?",JERRY,"Yeah, I think it is. (They walk toward the man. Jerry hesitates.) Wheres Elaine?"
GEORGE,Im nervous.,JERRY,(to the man) Excuse me. Mister Benes?
ALTON,Yeah?,JERRY,"Im Jerry, Elaines friend, and this is George."
ALTON,Sit down. Want a drink?,JERRY,Sure.
ALTON,Whatll you have?,JERRY,(to waiter) Ill have a cranberry juice with two limes.
ALTON,Wheres Elaine?,JERRY,"Well, we thought she was meeting you earlier. Shes usually pretty punctual. Dont you find that, George?"
GEORGE,"Yeah, yeah. Shes punctual... and uh shes been late, sometimes.",JERRY,"Yeah, yeah. Sometimes shes on time, and... sometimes shes late."
GEORGE,I guess... (chuckles) today shes late.,JERRY,It appears that way.
GEORGE,Yup.,JERRY,Yup.
GEORGE,"(pointing at Jerry) Oh, hes the comedian.",JERRY,Im just a regular person.
ALTON,We had a funny guy with us in Korea. Tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific. Theres nothing funny about that.,JERRY,Would you excuse me a minute? Im gonna go to the bathroom. Ill be right back.
GEORGE,Thank you for leaving me alone with him!,JERRY,That was brutal. I cant go back out there.
GEORGE,"Well, lets just leave.",JERRY,Elainell kill me.
GEORGE,Where is she?,JERRY,Shes gotta be here soon.
GEORGE,"How could she leave us alone with this lunatic? Ten more minutes, and thats it! Im leaving. I have to tell you, this guy scares me.",JERRY,The waiter was trembling!
GEORGE,"If she doesnt show up, we cant possibly have dinner with him alone.",JERRY,How are we gonna get out of it?
GEORGE,Well say were frightened and we have to go home.,JERRY,"Yeah, thats good. Hed clunk our heads together like Moe."
GEORGE,I dont know. Just start scratching. Tell him you have the crabs. He was in the military. Hell understand that.,JERRY,"All fathers are intimidating. Theyre intimidating because they are fathers. Once a man has children, for the rest of his life, his attitude is, To hell with the world, I can make my own people. Ill eat whatever I want, Ill wear whatever I want, and Ill create whoever I want."
ALTON,"Yeah, they shouldve taken care of Castro when they had the chance. Like we did in Guatamala in fifty-three.",JERRY,"Well, Guatamala..."
GEORGE,"Come on, lets go!",JERRY,What about Elaine?
GEORGE,To hell with Elaine!,JERRY,Shell be furious.
GEORGE,Were dying here!,JERRY,Thats her! Shes here!
GEORGE,"(contemptuously, imitating Altons voice) Hes in the bathroom.",JERRY,(to Elaine) Where have you been?!
ELAINE,"Kramer! That... Kramer! Im just about to leave, he calls me up. He begs me to sit in his car for two minutes, so he can pick up these birds...",JERRY,"Oh, you didnt..."
ELAINE,"Well, he said hed drive me here right after. So, I am sitting in his car twenty minutes! He doesnt come down. I am freezing. Then a cop comes by, tells me to get out of the car. Hes a city marshal. Hes towing the car away. Kramer owes thousands of dollars in back tickets. He was going to tow it with me in the car! So, they tow the car. Now, I am standing outside, and I am freezing, but I cannot leave because I have to tell him what happened to the car. So, finally, he finally comes down with his giant cage filled with doves. He said he was getting special instructions, that each dove has a different diet... So, were wandering around trying to get a cab, when two of these doves fly out! Now were running down the street after these doves; I almost got hit by a bus! (Elaine sits in Altons chair and takes a deep breath.) So hows everything going over here?",JERRY,Great.
ELAINE,Good. Cause Dad can make some people a little uncomfortable.,JERRY,"Oh, no, no."
ELAINE,"Man, Kramer! I could kill him!",JERRY,I cant believe it. You know better than to get involved with Kramer.
ELAINE ,He said hed give me a lift.,JERRY,"Ah, the lift. Like the lure of the sirens song. Never what it seems to be, yet who among us can resist?"
ELAINE,Ohh... its snowing. Its beautiful.,JERRY,"(to George) Snow. Snow, that cant be good for suede, can it?"
GEORGE,I wouldnt think so.,JERRY,"What should I do? (to Alton) Uh, were taking a cab, arent we?"
GEORGE,(to Jerry) Why dont you just turn it inside out?,JERRY,Inside out! Great.
ALTON,Wait a minute. What the hell do you call this?,JERRY,"Oh, I turned my jacket inside out."
ALTON,"Well, you look like a damn fool!",JERRY,"Well, its a new suede jacket. It might get ruined."
GEORGE,"Its uh, it's only a few blocks.",JERRY,(to the intercom) Elaine?
ELAINE,Yeah.,JERRY,Come on up.
KRAMER,Ive gotta feed the birds.,JERRY,So?
KRAMER,You got any of those mini Ritzes?,JERRY,I cant believe I do.
KRAMER,"Yeah! Well, are you going out?",JERRY,Yeah.
KRAMER,"Hey, wheres your new jacket? (Jerry points to the jacket hanging in the bathroom. Its ruined.) What? (Kramer enters the bathroom, and sees the garment.) Ohhh. What did you do to it?",JERRY,I was out in the snow last night.
KRAMER,Dont you know what that does to suede?,JERRY,I have an idea. (Elaine enters; to Elaine) We can make the nine-thirty at Cinema Three.
ELAINE,"Okay. (to Kramer) Hello. (to Jerry) Listen, thanks again for coming last night. Dad said he had a great time.",JERRY,Is he still in town?
KRAMER,"So, uh... what are you gonna do with that one now?",JERRY,I dont know.
ELAINE,"(to Jerry) I didnt want to tell you this, but usually he hates everyone.",JERRY,Really?
KRAMER,You gonna throw this out?,JERRY,"Well, I cant wear it."
KRAMER,"(to Jerry) Well, if youre just gonna throw it out, you know, I could take it.",JERRY,"Yeah, go ahead, take it."
ELAINE,Dad thinks George is gay.,JERRY,"Oh, because of all the singing?"
ELAINE,"Isnt that...? (Jerry nods.) Oh, is this from the snow last night? (Jerry nods.) Ugh... you know what you shouldve done? You shouldve turned it inside out.",JERRY,Ill try and remember that.
KRAMER,"Boy, its too bad you gave me this one too.",JERRY,"Yeah, too bad."
ALTON,(singing) Master of the house/Doling out the charm/Ready with a handshake and an open palm...,JERRY,"I had a leather jacket that got ruined. Now, why does moisture ruin leather? I dont get this. Arent cows outside most of the time? I dont understand it. When its raining do cows go up to the farmhouse, Let us in, were all wearin leather. Open the door! Were gonna ruin the whole outfit here! Is it suede? I am suede, the whole thing is suede, I cant have this cleaned. Its all I got!"
GEORGE,"(excited) So then, as we were leaving, we were just kind of standing there, and she was sort of smiling at me, and I wasnt sure if she wanted me to ask her out, because when women smile at me I dont know what it means. Sometimes I interpret it like theyre psychotic or something and I dont know if Im supposed to smile back, I dont know what to do. So I just stood there like  remember how Quayle looked when Benson gave him that Kennedy line? Thats what I looked like.",JERRY,So you didnt ask?
GEORGE,"No, I froze.",JERRY,Counter.
GEORGE,"Oh yeah. So wait, wait. A half-hour later Im back in the office, I tell Lloyd the whole story. He says, So why dont you call her? I says, I cant. I couldnt, I couldnt do it right then. For me to ask a woman out I gotta get into a mental state like the karate guys before they break the bricks. So Lloyd calls me a wuss.",JERRY,He said wuss?
GEORGE,"Yeah. Anyway, he shamed me into it.",JERRY,So you called.
GEORGE,"Right. And, and to cover my nervousness I started eating an apple, because I think if they hear you chewing on the other end of the phone, it makes you sound casual.",JERRY,Yeah. Like a farm boy.
GEORGE,"Right. So I call her up, I tell her its me, she gives me an enthusiastic Hi!",JERRY,Wow. The enthusiastic hi. Thats beautiful.
GEORGE,"Oh, I dont get the enthusiastic hi, Im outta there.",JERRY,"All right, so youre chewing your apple, you got your enthusiastic hi... Go ahead."
GEORGE,"So, were talking, and I dont like to go too long before I ask them out, I wanna get it over with right away, so I just blurt out, What are you doing Saturday night?",JERRY,And?
GEORGE,She bought.,JERRY,Great day in the morning.
GEORGE,Then I got off the phone right away.,JERRY,"Sure, its like robbing a bank. You dont loiter around in front of the teller holding that big bag of money. You come in, you hit and get out."
GEORGE,"Absolutely. Because instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over three hundred and sixty pair. That way, I only have to do wash once a year.",JERRY,"(in an attempted Scottish accent) Come on, try it. Let me hear you try a Scottish accent."
DONNA,Thats Irish.,JERRY,"Irish, Scottish, whats the difference, lassie?"
DONNA,Thanks again for the movie.,JERRY,Youre welcome.
DONNA,"Id invite you up, but the place is being painted.",JERRY,"Oh, thats okay."
DONNA,Unless you want to go to your place.,JERRY,"Okay... but theres no cake or anything, if thats what youre looking for."
GEORGE,(frustrated) Take it easy! Huh! Take it easy!,JERRY,"I think if ones going to kill oneself, the least you could do is leave a note. Its common courtesy. I dont know. Thats just the way I was brought up."
DONNA,Values are very important.,JERRY,"Oh, so important. So what are you doing uh Thursday night? You wanna have dinner?"
DONNA,Thursdays great.,JERRY,"Tan pants. Why do I buy tan pants, Donna? I dont feel comfortable in them."
DONNA,Are those Cotton Dockers?,JERRY,"Oh, I cant begin to tell you how much I hate that commercial."
DONNA,Really? I like that commercial.,JERRY,You like that commercial?
DONNA,"Yeah, its clever.",JERRY,"Now wait a second, you mean the one where the guys are all standing around, supposedly being very casual and witty?"
DONNA,"Yeah, thats the one.",JERRY,What could you possibly like about that?
DONNA,"I dont know. I like the, guys.",JERRY,"Yeah, theyre so funny and so comfortable with each other, and I could be comfortable too, if I had pants like that. I could sit on a porch and wrestle around, and maybe even be part of a real bull session."
DONNA ,"Hey, I know guys like that. To me the dialogue rings true.",JERRY,"Even if the dialogue did ring true. (Donna starts to get annoyed that Jerry won't let the conversation go) Even if somehow somewhere men actually talk like that, what does that have to do with the pants? Doesnt that bother you?"
DONNA,"(annoyed) Thats the idea. Thats whats clever about it, that theyre not talking about the pants.",JERRY,But theyre talking about nothing.
DONNA,Thats the point.,JERRY,I know the point.
DONNA,No one is telling you to like it.,JERRY,"I mean, all those quick shots of the pants. Just pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants. What is that supposed to be?"
ELAINE,I once broke up with a guy because he didnt keep his bathroom clean enough.,JERRY,No kidding. Did you tell him that was the reason?
ELAINE,Hi.,JERRY,Youre still thinking about this?
GEORGE,"She invites me up at twelve oclock at night, for coffee, and I dont go up. No thank you. I dont want coffee. It keeps me up. Too late for me to drink coffee. I said this to her. People this stupid shouldnt be allowed to live. I cant imagine what she must think of me.",JERRY,She thinks youre a guy that doesnt like coffee.
ELAINE,It is funny.,JERRY,I like to use my own material.
GEORGE,"All right, I gotta make a call. Everybody out, come on.",JERRY,Why do we have to leave?
ELAINE,"Oh, see, this is the problem.",JERRY,Youre kicking me out of my house?
GEORGE,"(to Elaine) Right, alright. (to Jerry) Oh Jerry, do you have any apples?",JERRY,Dont do the apples. Its enough already with the apples.
GEORGE,"Um, hi, its George, George Costanza, remember me? The guy that didnt come up for coffee. You see, I didnt realise that coffee didnt really mean... well, whatever. Anyway, it was fun. It was... it was fun, so... oh boy, um, so... You call me back. If you want. Its up to you, you know, whatever you wanna do. Either way. The balls in your court. So uh, take it easy.",JERRY,"Im just gonna get my jacket, Ill meet you downstairs. Whats the matter, did you call?"
GEORGE,"Got her machine. Im dead, Im a dead man. Thats it. Im dead, Im a dead man. Dead man.",JERRY,What did you say?
GEORGE,"I dont know what the hell I said. I gave her an ultimatum and theres nothing I can do. Its a machine. The little light is blinking right now, Come and listen to the idiot. Hey everybody, the idiots on!",JERRY,After one date you try and improvise on her machine?
GEORGE,Somebody did that?,JERRY,Shell call you back. Youre overreacting.
DONNA,Never?,JERRY,"I have never seen one episode of I Love Lucy in my life, ever."
DONNA,Thats amazing.,JERRY,Thank you.
DONNA,Is there anything else about you I should know?,JERRY,"Yes, Im lactose intolerant."
DONNA,Really?,JERRY,"I have no patience for lactose. And I wont stand for it. Um, Ill be right back."
DONNA,(to Jerry) So you go around telling your friends Im not hip because I like that commercial.,JERRY,"What? (to George) What did, what did you say?"
DONNA,You told him how I like the commercial.,JERRY,"Well, so what if I said that?"
DONNA,"Well, so, you didnt have to tell your friends.",JERRY,"No, I had to tell my friends  my friends didnt have to tell you."
GEORGE,Boy oh boy.,JERRY,I said I couldnt believe you liked that commercial. So what?
DONNA,"I asked some friends of mine this week, and all of them liked the commercial.",JERRY,"Boy, I bet you got a regular Algonquin round table there."
KRAMER,Hey.,JERRY,"Oh uh, Kramer, this is Donna."
DONNA,"Dont bother, Im leaving.",JERRY,"Donna, really, youre making too much of this."
KRAMER,"One hundred percent Cotton Dockers. If theyre not Dockers, theyre just pants",JERRY,"Please, Donna..."
GEORGE,"I cant believe I said that. You know me, Im a vault.",JERRY,"Dont worry about it, it wasnt working anyway."
KRAMER,What happened there?,JERRY,Ill tell you later.
GEORGE,"Okay, so you remember I made the initial call Sunday, she doesnt call back. I call again Monday, I leave another message. I call Tuesday, I get the machine again, I know youre there, I dont know what your story is. Yesterday, Im a volcano  I try one more call, the machine comes on, and I let fly like Mussolini from the balcony, Where the hell do you get the nerve? You invite me up for coffee and then you dont call me back for four days? I dont like coffee, I dont have to come up. Id like to get one more shot at the coffee just so I could spit it in your face.",JERRY,You said that?
GEORGE,I lost it.,JERRY,I cant blame you. I cant believe she never called you back.
GEORGE,She did. Today.,JERRY,What?
GEORGE,"She called my office. She said shes been in the Hamptons since Sunday. She didnt know if I was trying to get in touch with her. Her machine broke, and shes been using her old machine and she doesnt have the beeper for it.",JERRY,So she didnt get the messages.
GEORGE,"Exactly, but theyre on there  waiting. She said she cant wait to see me, were having dinner tonight. Shes supposed to call me as soon as she gets home.",JERRY,But what about the messages?
GEORGE,Ill meet her outside the building.,JERRY,But you know as soon as she gets in the apartment shes going right for that machine.
GEORGE,"Unless she goes for the bathroom. Thats my only chance. (George crumbles. He drops the cassette on the table.) Who am I kidding? I cant do this, I cant do this. I dont even know how to work those stupid machines.",JERRY,"Theres nothing to it. You lift the lid, it comes right out."
GEORGE,You do it for me.,JERRY,What?
GEORGE,"Come on, itll be so much easier.",JERRY,How you gonna get me up there?
GEORGE,"Ill tell her I bumped into you, Im giving you a ride uptown.",JERRY,And who makes the switch?
GEORGE,You do.,JERRY,I do.
GEORGE ,"I cant do it. Ill, Ill keep her busy.",JERRY,I cant get involved in this.
GEORGE,I think I may be in love with this woman.,JERRY,What if she sees me?
GEORGE,"Oh, you are such a wuss.",JERRY,A wuss?
GEORGE,Yeah.,JERRY,Did you call me a wuss?
GEORGE,Well there is traffic. It might take her till eight-fifteen.,JERRY,"I got one problem. Youre keeping her busy in the other room. Now, what if she somehow gets away from you and is coming in? You have to signal me that shes coming."
GEORGE,"A signal, right, um, okay, uh, okay, the signal is, Ill call out tippy-toe!",JERRY,Tippy Toe? I dont think so.
GEORGE,You dont like tippy toe?,JERRY,No tippy toe.
GEORGE,"All right, uh, okay, I got it, um, Ill sing.",JERRY,What song?
GEORGE,How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?,JERRY,What is that?
GEORGE,"Oh, its a lovely song. (singing) How do you solve a problem like Maria?...",JERRY,Anything else?
GEORGE,You pick it.,JERRY,Lemon Tree.
GEORGE,"Peter, Paul and Mary.",JERRY,"No, Trini Lopez."
GEORGE,Alright ok. You got the tape?,JERRY,Standard. Micro.
GEORGE,How do you feel? Confident?,JERRY,Feel good.
GEORGE,You nervous?,JERRY,Not at all.
GEORGE,"Oh, this is my friend, Jerry Seinfeld. I just bumped into him around the corner. Isnt that a coincidence? The funny thing is, I see him all the time.",JERRY,All the time.
CAROL,Its nice to meet you.,JERRY,Hi.
CAROL,"No, what for? Ill just give my bag to the doorman.",JERRY,"You know, I really need to use the bathroom."
CAROL,The bathrooms on the hall to the right.,JERRY,"Uh, you know, why dont you go first, you just had a long trip."
CAROL,"No, Im fine.",JERRY,"Um, you know, its the damnedest thing. It went away."
CAROL,"(to Jerry) Now I know who you are! Youre a comedian. Ive seen you, its driving me crazy.",JERRY,Right. I am.
GEORGE,"Carol, thats so rude. Please, Im serious, just for a moment, if you wouldnt mind. And then well talk to Jerry.",JERRY,(calls) Hey you two. Im ready to go.
GEORGE,(to Jerry) Dont you find that strange?,JERRY,Yes.
CAROL,"Yours were hilarious, we were both cracking up. I just love jokes like that.",JERRY,"I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didnt want to talk to, I could go, Excuse me, Im not in right now. If you would just leave a message, I could walk away. I also have a cordless phone, but I dont like that as much, because you cant slam down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone  You cant talk to me like that! Bang! You know. You get mad at somebody on a cordless phone  You cant talk to me like that!"
KRAMER,"You know, I should've done this years ago. I mean, I feel like I've had two lives. My pre-mousse. And now, I begin my post-mousse. Hey, tell me the truth, have you ever seen a better looking guy?",JERRY,"Well, looks are so subjective."
ELAINE,"She lives right above First Avenue, says she has a perfect view of the race. And she said I can invite some friends.",JERRY,Maybe.
HAROLD,"(O.S.) No, Im not going up there.",JERRY,(to Elaine) Harold and Manny.
HAROLD,Im not going.,JERRY,"Boys, boys."
HAROLD,"Oh, Jerry.",JERRY,"I slid the rent under your door, Harold. Did you get it?"
HAROLD,(to Jerry) We have to go up there now and clean the apartment. Its a good thing her rent was overdue. Shed be rotting up there for a month.,JERRY,She died? Mrs. Hudwalker died?
HAROLD,"(to Manny) Whats the matter with you? Im talking! So, Jerry, you know anyone who needs an apartment?",JERRY,Are you kidding? You know my friend Elaine?
HAROLD,"Oh yeah, I like her. She always says hello to me.",JERRY,Its not promised to anybody? Cause shed take it in a second.
HAROLD,Whats the difference? Its true!,JERRY,"So, its okay? I could just tell her she can have it?"
ELAINE,What was that all about?,JERRY,"(coyly) Oh, nothing important."
ELAINE,Whats going on? What is that look?,JERRY,What look? Nothing.
ELAINE,Somethings going on here.,JERRY,"I dont know if you should sit for this or not. Sitting is good if you faint, but standing is good for jumping up and down. I cant decide."
ELAINE,Jumping up and down? What are you talking about? Cmon. Cough it up.,JERRY,"Oh, Elaine. You know the way I am  rarely ever thinking of myself. My only concern is the welfare and happiness of those close to me. Sure, it hurts sometimes to give, and give, and give..."
ELAINE,Would you please?,JERRY,What would you say if I told you that...
ELAINE,Told me what?!,JERRY,...I got you an apartment in this building.
ELAINE,(dumbfounded) No.,JERRY,Yes.
ELAINE,No.,JERRY,Yes.
ELAINE,You didnt.,JERRY,I did.
ELAINE,You got me an apartment in the building?!,JERRY,I got you an apartment in the building.
ELAINE,How did you...,JERRY,Remember Mrs. Hudwalker? The ninety-four-year-old woman who lived above me?
ELAINE,No.,JERRY,She died.
ELAINE,(thrilled) She died?!,JERRY,She died.
ELAINE,She died!,JERRY,And the rent is only four hundred dollars a month!
ELAINE,Four hundred a month? Only four hundred a month?!,JERRY,Four hundred a month.
ELAINE,And Ill be right upstairs?,JERRY,Right upstairs.
ELAINE,Right above you?,JERRY,Right above me.
ELAINE,"Oh, were neighbors. Ill be here all the time!",JERRY,All the time.
ELAINE,"(overly excited) We can exchange keys so we can come in and out. Oh, this is going to be great!",JERRY,All the time.
GEORGE,What happened to you?,JERRY,You cant believe what I just did.
GEORGE,What? What did you do?,JERRY,"I could tell you what I did, but you wouldnt believe it. Its not believable."
GEORGE,What did you do?,JERRY,How could I have done that?
GEORGE,Done what?,JERRY,I told Elaine about an apartment opening up in my building. Shes going to move in.
GEORGE,Elaines moving into your building?,JERRY,Yes. Right above me.
GEORGE,Right above you?,JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,Youre gonna be neighbors.,JERRY,I know. Neighbors.
GEORGE,Shes right above you?,JERRY,Right above me.
GEORGE,How could you do that?,JERRY,"Cause Im an idiot! You may think youre an idiot, but with all due respect, Im a much bigger idiot than you are."
GEORGE,"Dont insult me, my friend. Remember who youre talking to. No ones a bigger idiot than me.",JERRY,Did you ever ask an ex-girlfriend to move into your building?
GEORGE,Did you ever go to a singles weekend in the Poconos?,JERRY,"Shes right in my building! Right above me! Every time I come in the building, Im gonna have to sneak around like a cat burglar."
GEORGE,Youre doomed. Youre gonna have to have all your sex at womens apartments. Itll be like a permanent road trip. Forget about the home bed advantage.,JERRY,But I need the home bed advantage.
GEORGE,Of course. We all do.,JERRY,Come in for two minutes and sit with me.
GEORGE,I was just in there. Its embarrassing.,JERRY,"Oh, whos gonna know?"
GEORGE,They saw me walk out.,JERRY,Two minutes.
GEORGE,My censor quit two years ago. He checked into a clinic. Emotionally exhausted.,JERRY,"So, is there any way out of this Elaine thing?"
GEORGE,Tough.,JERRY,"You know, the water pressures terrible in my building. And she loves a good shower."
GEORGE,I never heard of anyone would turned down an apartment because of a weak shower spray.,JERRY,"If they were fanatic about showers, they might."
GEORGE,"For that rent, shed take a bath in the toilet tank if she had to.",JERRY,"Look at that woman feeding her baby greasy, disgusting, coffee shop corned beef hash. Isnt that child abuse?"
GEORGE,"Id like to have a kid. Of course, you have to have a date first... Remember my friend, Adam, from Detroit?",JERRY,"Yeah, the guy with the flat head."
GEORGE,"Hes a cube. Anyway, he got married six months ago. He told me ever since hes been wearing a wedding band, women have been coming on to him everywhere he goes.",JERRY,"Yeah, Ive heard that about wedding bands."
GEORGE,I wonder if thats really true.,JERRY,"That would be an interesting sociological experiment. You know, Kramer has his fathers band. Hed loan it to you."
HAROLD,You cant pick up anything with these! Theres no absorption!,JERRY,"Boys, boys."
HAROLD,"Your friend cant have the apartment, Jerry.",JERRY,What?
HAROLD,Because its true! Why shouldnt I tell him?,JERRY,"Hey, hey. I understand. Youre businessmen."
HAROLD,"Oh, now, he says that if your friend has five thousand dollars, well give it to her.",JERRY,"Well, thats a lot of money. But, if thats the way its gotta be, thats the way its gotta be."
GEORGE,What happened to you?,JERRY,"Religion, my friend, thats what happened to me. Because, I have just been informed that its going to cost Elaine the sum of five thousand dollars to get the apartment upstairs."
GEORGE,(jubilant) Five thousand dollars? She doesnt have five thousand dollars!,JERRY,Of course she doesnt have five thousand dollars!
GEORGE,"So, she cant get the apartment.",JERRY,Cant get it.
GEORGE,"So, she doesnt move in.",JERRY,"No move. So, you see, its all part of a divine plan."
GEORGE,And how does the baldness fit into that plan?,JERRY,(to the intercom) Elaine?
ELAINE,Yeah.,JERRY,"(to George) All right, this is going to require some great acting now. I have to pretend Im disappointed. Youre going to really see me being a phony, now. I hope you can take this. Maybe you should go in the other room."
GEORGE,Are you kidding? I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham!,JERRY,"Cause you know, I love Elaine."
GEORGE,Of course you do.,JERRY,"But you know... not in the building. Really, I feel terrible about this. My intentions were good. What can I do? Tell me."
ELAINE,"Oh, and before I forget, I have the checks for the first month, last months security deposit. (laughs) I have seventy-five dollars left in my account.",JERRY,Well... theres a little bit of a problem.
ELAINE,"Oh, I know. Theres a weak shower spray, I know. Ive already thought about it, and Im switching to baths. As Winston Churchill said, Why stand when you can sit? Maybe Ill get some rubber duckies.",JERRY,"Uh, no uh, someone offered Harold and Manny five thousand for the apartment. Im sure theyd just as soon give it to you, but youd have to come up with that money."
ELAINE,Five thousand dollars? I dont have five thousand dollars.,JERRY,I know.
ELAINE,(disappointed) How am I going to get five thousand dollars?,JERRY,I have no idea.
KRAMER,"Cmon, you can come up with five thousand dollars. (to Jerry) Jerry, you dont have five thousand dollars you can led her? Come on.",JERRY,"Yeah, well, I didnt- Is that something you want to borrow?"
KRAMER,Loan her the money. You can afford it.,JERRY,She doesnt wanna borrow the money.
KRAMER,"Yeah, so whats the problem?",JERRY,Who said theres a problem?
ELAINE,I dont know... I dont know. Five thousand... let me just take one more look at it.,JERRY,"(to Kramer) It was all over! Taken care of. Done! Finished. Five thousand. Wheres she gonna get five thousand? She doesnt have five thousand. Clean. Good bye. Shes gone. Then you come in, Why dont you loan her five thousand? What do you care? Youve got five thousand. Give her five thousand!"
KRAMER,You didnt want her in the building?,JERRY,"No, I didnt!"
KRAMER,"Well, then what did you loan her the five thousand for? Oh, look, maybe she wont take it. I mean, she did say that she was gonna think about it.",JERRY,People dont turn down money. Its what separates us from the animals.
KRAMER,I still dont understand what the problem is having her in the building.,JERRY,"Let me explain something to you. You see, youre not normal. Youre a great guy, I love you, but youre a pod. I, on the other hand, am a human being. I sometimes feel awkward, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain situations with the other human beings. You wouldnt understand."
ELAINE,"Oh, hi, Roxanne. Nice to be here. These are my friends. This is George, and this is Jerry.",JERRY,Hi
ROXANNE,"So, youre Elaines hero.",JERRY,"Yes, its my lifes work."
GEORGE,"Yeah, my wife couldnt make it today. Shes got something with her mother... Who knows whats going on with her. Dont let any one kid you, its tough.",JERRY,"Well, better load up on some carbos before the race."
ROXANNE,"Oh, the marathon is great, isnt it?",JERRY,"Oh, yes. Particularly if youre not in it."
ROXANNE,I wish we had a view of the finish line.,JERRY,"Whats to see? A woman from Norway, a guy from Kenya, and twenty thousand losers."
ELAINE,"Jerry, this is Joanne, and this is Stan. Theyre in my short story class with Roxanne and me.",JERRY,Hi how are ya?
JOANNE,"Well, Jerry, itll be nice having a close friend nearby.",JERRY,(no amused) Fantastic.
STAN,She can pop in whenever she wants.,JERRY,I know.
JOANNE,She doesnt even need to knock!,JERRY,Its tremendous.
STAN,Anytime of day.,JERRY,Im in heaven.
ELAINE,"(to Jerry) So you and Roxanne are hitting it off, huh?",JERRY,"Oh, I wouldnt quite say that."
ELAINE,"Really? From a distance, you seemed to be coming on to her.",JERRY,Im a guy  it always looks like that.
ELAINE,"Because, I was thinking... are you at all concerned that living in the same building will, yknow... cramp our styles?",JERRY,Nah...
JANICE,Please...,JERRY,You have no idea what an idiot is. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didnt take it. (pointing to himself) This is an idiot.
GEORGE,"But suddenly, a new contender has emerged...",JERRY,"George, I didnt sleep at all last night. I decided I have to tell her. Im just going to be honest. Thats all... Yes, Im nervous... Are you listening to me?... Just put some soap on your finger. Itll slide right off... Then try axle grease... (Kramer enters; to the phone) Ill call you back after I talk to her... Bye."
KRAMER,"Well, its all taken care of. Everythings cool.",JERRY,What? Whats cool?
KRAMER,Elaine.,JERRY,What are you talking about?
KRAMER,I just found a guy whos willing to pay ten thousand dollars for the apartment.,JERRY,You what?! Get out! (pushes Kramer) Ten thousand?
KRAMER,Cash.,JERRY,Who would pay that much?
KRAMER,Hes in the music business.,JERRY,"Elaine would never borrow that much money! (Jerry hugs Kramer, then grabs him by the cheeks.) Kramer, my God, man! This is beautiful! I think Im in the clear here. Elaines not moving in. I dont have to confront her. She has no idea I never wanted her to move in. Im golden!"
ELAINE,Wow. Youre right. That is loud.,JERRY,Its just unbelievable.
ELAINE,They rehearse all the time?,JERRY,All the time. Ive been up there six times. They refuse to stop. I cant live like this. I dont know what Im gonna do. Im heading for breakdown! (to Harold) Cant you do something?
HAROLD,Im not going up. It stinks up there.,JERRY,Manny...
KRAMER,"Oh, I love the one they do right after this one! (Starts dancing)",JERRY,"I dont know. What do you do when a neighbor is making, like, a lot of noise at three oclock in the morning? I mean, can you knock on someones door and tell them to keep it down? Youre really altering your whole self-image. I mean, what am I, Fred Mertz now? Whats happening to me? Can I do this? Am I a shusher? I used to be a shushee. Theres a lot of shushing going on in movie theaters. People are always shushing. Shh... shh... shhh... shhh... Doesnt work, cause nobody knows where a shush is coming from. They just hear a shh. Was that a shush? I think somebody just shushed me. Some people you cant shush in a movie theater. Theres always that certain group of people, isnt it? Theyre talking and talking, and everyone around them is shushing them, and shushing them. They wont shush. Theyre the unshushables."
GEORGE,That took awhile.,JERRY,Dont get up.
GEORGE,So how long has it been in the basement?,JERRY,"Since my grandfather died. I was suppose to send it down to my parents in Florida, but they didnt want it. They told me to get rid of it, but I felt funny and then I sort of forgot about it. And its been sitting down there for three years until he saw it. (to Kramer) All right, so, just take what you want and lets get it out of here."
GEORGE,Whats in it?,JERRY,"Grandpa clothes, I cant wear em."
KRAMER,You want these? Knee socks. You dont wear knee socks.,JERRY,"No, go ahead. Look at this place. I cant wait to get it cleaned."
GEORGE,I know someone wholl do it. Shes good. Shes honest.,JERRY,"No, Elaines got this writer friend from Finland, Rava. Her boyfriend goes to Columbia grad school, and hes suppose to do it."
GEORGE,Students cant clean. Its anathema. (explaining) They dont like it.,JERRY,How long have you been waiting to squeeze that into a conversation?
GEORGE,"Oh my God, its exactly the same!",JERRY,What?
GEORGE,"What? No dibs! I need this statue. Cmon, give it!",JERRY,"Spread out, spread out you numbskulls. Why dont you just settle it like mature adults?"
GEORGE,"Yeah, good, good.",JERRY,"Inka-dink, a bottle of ink, the cork fell out, and you stink."
GEORGE,"No, no, no, no, Im It. I win.",JERRY,"No, hes It. He wins. It is good."
KRAMER,Do over  start with him.,JERRY,"No, no, no, come on, Kramer. Now, you got the socks."
KRAMER,"Okay, Im gonna take the suit, and the shoes, and the hat.",JERRY,"All right, cmon. Lets go."
GEORGE,I cant believe I won at Inka-dink.,JERRY,"Come on, lets go."
GEORGE,Yea.,JERRY,Arent you gonna take it?
KRAMER,"Oh, uh, well - okay.",JERRY,"All right, lets go. Hey, you know, you owe me one."
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,The Inka-dink.. You were It.
GEORGE,Its bad?,JERRY,Its very bad.
ELAINE,(excited) This is so fantastic. I dont know how to thank you.,JERRY,"(to Rava) So, wheres this boyfriend of yours? I cant wait much longer. Ive got a flight."
RAVA,Or maybe hes dead.,JERRY,"So what do you write, childrens books?"
RAY,"Ah, greetings, greetings, and salutations. I beg your forgiveness. My tardiness was unavoidable. Rava, my love. Elaine, my dear friend. And you must be Jerry. Lord of the manor. Ah, my liege. A pleasure to serve you.",JERRY,All right...
RAVA,And we have to get back to work.,JERRY,I gotta get to the airport.
RAY,"Your palace shall sparkle like the stars in heaven upon your save arrival, Sire.",JERRY,The uh toilet brush is under the sink.
ELAINE,Theres no Rubber Man.,JERRY,Why did I think there was a Rubber Man? Theres Elastic Man... Plastic Man...
ELAINE,Im leaving.,JERRY,Where are you going?
ELAINE,To Ravas house. Ive gotta pick up her manuscript.,JERRY,Oh wait. Ill go with you.
RAY,"Well, this is an unexpected surprise  and delight! The once and future king of comedy, Jerry the First, gracing our humble abode. Rava, were in the presence of royalty.",JERRY,"Hey, Ray, listen, you really did a tremendous job cleaning that apartment."
RAY,"But I didnt just clean your apartment. It was a ritual, a ceremony, a celebration of life.",JERRY,Shouldnt you be out on a ledge somewhere?
ELAINE,Jerry? Jerry!,JERRY,What?
RAY,"Yeah, Im coming!",JERRY,I think thats the statue from my house. That looks like the statue from my house!
ELAINE,What statue?,JERRY,I had a statue!
ELAINE,You have a statue? I never saw a statue.,JERRY,My grandfather gave me a statue!
ELAINE,Since when?,JERRY,Whats the difference?! Thats the one! He ripped me off! This guy ripped me off!
JERRY & ELAINE,Uhh... no.,JERRY,I cant believe it! This guy ripped me off!
ELAINE,Do you realize what youre saying?,JERRY,Yes! This guy ripped me off! He stole that statue right out of my house!
ELAINE,Are you sure?,JERRY,Pretty sure! Ninety-nine percent sure.
ELAINE,Maybe it just looks the same. Maybe its just a coincidence.,JERRY,"Coincidence? This guys in my apartment and then, just by coincidence, he has the same exact statue in his apartment?"
ELAINE,I never saw the statue.,JERRY,I had a statue! What should I do?
ELAINE,I dont know.,JERRY,Ill call Kramer. He can check my house.
ELAINE,"Oh Jerry, dont blow this for me.",JERRY,"Dont worry. (whispering into the phone) Kramer! Kramer!... Its Jerry!... Jerry!... From next door!... Never mind where I am!... Yes, Jerry Seinfeld!..."
RAVA,My mother left us when I was six years old. All seven of us. We never heard from her again. I hope shes rotting in an alley somewhere!,JERRY,My moms down in Florida. Shes got uh one of those condos. Hot down there in the summer. You ever been down there?
RAY,"I love these pastries. You know, in Scandinavian mythology, the pastries were the food of the gods.",JERRY,"Listen, uh I just remembered... Im... uh, getting a facial."
RAY,How about dinner?,JERRY,"No, I dont eat dinner. Dinners for suckers."
KRAMER,Lets go get him.,JERRY,"Yeah, right."
GEORGE,We cant just let him get away with this.,JERRY,"Do you realize how crazy he had to be to do something like this? He knew I was gonna know its missing, and he took it! And of all things to take! I left my watch, tape recorder, stereo. Hes crazy."
GEORGE,Let me just call him.,JERRY,"Ill call him. (Jerry picks up the cordless phone. He points to the rotary phone on the coffee table. Kramer, George, and Elaine struggle for it.) Hello, Ray?... Hi, Ray, this is Ravas friend, Elaines friend, Jerry... The King of Comedy, right. Listen, you know that statue on your mantle, the one with the blue lady? (He covers the reciever and yells at Kramer and George.) Would you shut up?! (to the phone) Yeah, you dont want to talk about it over the phone?.. You dont want Rava to hear?... Yeah, I understand... You know that coffee shop near my house, Monks?... All right, tomorrow... One o clock... Great, okay, bye."
GEORGE,I thought you said one oclock.,JERRY,"Relax, hes late. Hes always late. Its part of his M.O."
GEORGE,"Remember, dont take any crap.",JERRY,"Yeah, yeah. Dont worry about it."
GEORGE,Ill be right here.,JERRY,Thats comforting. Shh. Hes coming. (to Ray) Ray?
RAY,"Oh, Jerry. I cant believe you asked me about that statue. Do you know how much trouble you couldve got me into?",JERRY,"Well, I didnt..."
GEORGE,(muttering to himself) I wonder why.,JERRY,"Well, just give it back, and I wont say anything."
RAY,Give it back?,JERRY,Yeah.
RAY,What are you talking about?,JERRY,What are you talking about?
RAY,Im talking about the statue.,JERRY,"Yeah, me too."
RAY,Give it back to whom?,JERRY,Me.
RAY,You?,JERRY,Yeah. Me.
GEORGE,You already got it.,JERRY,"Ray, I had a statue in my house. You were in my house  and then I saw it in your house."
RAY,What are you saying?,JERRY,What am I saying?
GEORGE,What a mind.,JERRY,"Well, I..."
RAY,I cant believe what Im hearing.,JERRY,I cant believe what Im hearing.
GEORGE,Pawn shop?,JERRY,A pawn shop?
GEORGE,Cleaning them out.,JERRY,"Oh, excuse me... Look, Ray, you were the only person in my house."
RAY,You want her.,JERRY,"No, shes a little too cheery for me."
RAY,"Shes from Finland, for crying out loud. Finland! Do you understand?!",JERRY,I know Finland. Theyre neutral.
RAY,Is it me? Do I rub you the wrong way?,JERRY,"No, I actually find you quite charming. A bit verbose at times..."
GEORGE,"Oh, I find you so charming. You wuss.",JERRY,(to George) Did you call me a wuss?
RAY,What did you say?,JERRY,I said luss. Im at a luss.
RAY,I would just love to take you down to the shop where I got it.,JERRY,"Thats not necessary. (George slams his menu down on the table repeatedly.) You know, maybe its not that bad an idea."
GEORGE,Thats it! Thats it! I cant take it. I cant take it anymore! You stole the statue! Youre a theif! Youre a liar!,JERRY,George...
GEORGE,"Oh, Im crazy!",JERRY,"George, george..."
RAY,"(to Jerry) I hope you think about what youve done here today. And if you want to call and apologize, you know where to reach me.",JERRY,"Hey, Ray."
RAY,Yes?,JERRY,How did you get the goop out of the top of the dishwashing liquid? It was like a brand-new nozzle!
GEORGE,"Theres just no justice. This experience has changed me. Its made me more cynical, more bitter, more jaded.",JERRY,Really?
ELAINE,"Well, how do you think I feel? Instead of editing the first novel of a major young writing talent, I am proofreading a food allergy cookbook.",JERRY,Cant you talk to your boss?
KRAMER,(talking to himself) Im not happy about this.,JERRY,"Well, perhaps we can take comfort in the knowledge that in the next world, Ray will be the recipient of a much larger and more harsh brand of justice.."
KRAMER,"Good, good. Lets uh keep it that way.",JERRY,"All right, all right. Whats the big hubbub, bub?"
KRAMER,Yeah.,JERRY,"Kramer, what did you do?"
KRAMER,"Well, Ill think of something.",JERRY,"People are going to steal from you. You cant stop them. But, everybody has their own little personal security things. Things that they think will foil the crooks, you know? In your own mind, right? You go to the beach, go in the water, put your wallet in the sneaker, whos gonna know? What criminal mind could penetrate this fortress of security? I tied a bow. They cant get through that. I put the wallet down by the toe of the sneaker. They never look there. They check the heel, they move on."
KRAMER,"Boy, I have really had it with Newman. He wakes me up again last night at three o'clock in the morning to tell me he's going up onto the roof to kill himself.",JERRY,"Well, what'd you say?"
KRAMER,"I said "" Jump."" Well, he's been threatening to do this for years. I said "" Look, if you're gonna kill yourself do it already and stop bothering me."" At least I'd respect the guy for accomplishing something.",JERRY,What's his problem?
KRAMER,No job. No women.,JERRY,He called the right guy.
KRAMER,"Well, what am I supposed to tell him? How much there is for him to live for? Why should I lie to him?",JERRY,"All right, I'm leaving. I going to the laundry."
KRAMER,Why don't you use the machines down in the basement?,JERRY,Fluff and Fold. The only way to live. (snapping fingers in tune with words) I drop it off. I pick it up. It's a delight.
KRAMER,How 'bout if I put a few things --,JERRY,Wait a sec. I don't wanna do --
KRAMER,"Well, you're going over there.",JERRY,I don't wanna mix in everything! My guys don't know your guys. You can't just lock 'em all in the same machine together. They'll start a riot.
KRAMER,Have you ever met my guys?,JERRY,No. I can't say as I have.
KRAMER,Well!,JERRY,All right. Put 'em on top.
KRAMER,Ah!,JERRY,"Oh, beautiful."
VIC,I'll have to charge you for another machine.,JERRY,"Whatever it costs. In fact, I would prefer it if the machines are not even touching each other. Because something could, you know, jump across."
GEORGE,Guess what.,JERRY,How did you know I was here?
GEORGE,Kramer. Guess what.,JERRY,I don't know.
GEORGE,I quit my job.,JERRY,Get outta here.
VIC,You can have this on Monday. (hands Jerry a ticket),JERRY,What happened? Levitan?
GEORGE,"I go in to use his private bathroom, everybody uses it, and then I get a memo - a memo - telling me to use the men's room in the hall. Well, (laughing) I mean we share it with Pace Electronics. It's disgusting!",JERRY,You and your toilets.
GEORGE,I snapped! It was the last straw. (sighs),JERRY,"So, what are you gonna do now? Are you gonna look for something else in real estate?"
GEORGE,Nobody's hiring now. The market's terrible.,JERRY,So what are you gonna do?
GEORGE,I like sports. I could do something in sports.,JERRY,Uh-huh. Uh-huh. In what capacity?
GEORGE,"You know, like the general manager of a baseball team or something.",JERRY,"Yeah. Well, that - that could be tough to get."
GEORGE,"Well, it doesn't even have to be the general manager. Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a color man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game.",JERRY,Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.
GEORGE,What about that?,JERRY,"Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting."
GEORGE,"Well, that's really not fair.",JERRY,"I know. Well, okay. Okay. What else do ya like?"
GEORGE,Movies. I like to watch movies.,JERRY,Yeah. Yeah.
GEORGE,Do they pay people to watch movies?,JERRY,Projectionists.
GEORGE,That's true.,JERRY,But you gotta know how to work the projector.
GEORGE,Right.,JERRY,And it's probably a union thing.
GEORGE,"(scoffs) Those unions. (sighs) Okay. Sports,...movies. What about a talk show host?",JERRY,Talk show host. That's good.
GEORGE,I think I'd be good at that. I talk to people all the time. Someone even told me once they thought I'd be a good talk show host.,JERRY,Really?
GEORGE,"Yeah. A couple of people. I don't get that, though. Where do you start?",JERRY,"Well, that's where it gets tricky."
GEORGE,"You can't just walk into a building and say "" I wanna be a talk show host.""",JERRY,I wouldn't think so.
GEORGE,It's all politics.,JERRY,"All right. Okay. Sports, movies, talk show host. What else?"
GEORGE,This could have been a huge mistake.,JERRY,"Well, it doesn't sound like you completely thought this through."
GEORGE,(sighs) Guess not. What should I do?,JERRY,Maybe you can just go back.
GEORGE,Go back?,JERRY,Yeah. Pretend like it never happened.
GEORGE,You mean just walk into the staff meeting on Monday morning like it never happened?,JERRY,Sure. You're an emotional person. People don't take you seriously.
GEORGE,Just..go back. Pretend the whole thing never happened.,JERRY,Never happened.
GEORGE,I was just blowin' off a little steam. So what?,JERRY,So what? You're entitled.
GEORGE,I'm emotional.,JERRY,That's right. You're emotional.
GEORGE,Never happened.,JERRY,Never happened.
GEORGE,""" I'll always be a winner and you'll always be a loser."" This is what he said to me.",JERRY,"Well, so that's that."
GEORGE,No. That's not that.,JERRY,That's not that?
GEORGE,No.,JERRY,"Well, if that's not that, what is that?"
GEORGE,I've got some plans. I got plans.,JERRY,What kind of plans?
GEORGE,What's the difference?,JERRY,You don't wanna tell me?
GEORGE,I'm gonna slip him a mickey.,JERRY,What? In his drink? Are you outta your mind? What are you Peter Lorre?
GEORGE,You don't understand. He's got this big party coming up. He's been looking forward to this for months. This is gonna destroy the whole thing.,JERRY,What if you destroy him?
GEORGE,No. No. No. No. No. Don't worry. It's perfectly safe. I researched it. He'll get a little woozy. He might keel over.,JERRY,"Well, wha - what does that do? Big deal."
GEORGE,This is what they would do in the movies! It's a beautiful thing! It's like a movie! I'm gonna slip him a mickey!,JERRY,You've really gone mental.
GEORGE,Nah.,JERRY,"Where are you gonna get this mickey? I can't believe I'm saying ""mickey""!"
GEORGE,I got a source.,JERRY,You got a mickey source?
GEORGE,And Elaine is gonna keep him busy.,JERRY,Elaine? How did you rope her into this?
GEORGE,I told her what a sexist he is. How he cheats on his wife.,JERRY,She knew that.
GEORGE,But she didn't know he doesn't recycle.,JERRY,What is the point of all this?
GEORGE,Revenge.,JERRY,"Oh, the best revenge is living well."
GEORGE,There's no chance of that.,JERRY,Did you get your laundry?
KRAMER,Yeah.,JERRY,What's with you?
KRAMER,He jumped.,JERRY,What?
KRAMER,Yeah. Newman jumped.,JERRY,Did he call you last night?
KRAMER,"Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.",JERRY,What did you say?
KRAMER,"I said "" Wave to me when you pass my window.""",JERRY,Whew. Did he wave?
KRAMER,"No! He jumped from the second floor. Mr. Papanickolous saw him from across the street. He's lying out there faking. See, he's trying to get back at me.",JERRY,"(realizing something) Oh, my god!"
KRAMER,What's the matter?,JERRY,"(tearing through his laundry bag) Well, on Thursday when I came home I had $1500 on me. For some reason I decided to hide it in my laundry bag and then I completely forgot about it...and then I took the laundry in on Friday! Oh, come on, let's go."
KRAMER,Where? Where?,JERRY,To the Laundromat.
VIC,"Hey, you see that sign right there? (Points to a sign saying ""Not Responsible for Valuables""",JERRY,"Oh, I see. So, you put up a sign so you can do whatever you want? You're not a part of society."
VIC,"Yea that's right, 'cuz this place is my country and I'm the president, and that's my constitution. I'm not responsible.",JERRY,"So, anybody leaves anything here, you can just take it? You have a license to steal? You are like the James Bond of laundry?"
VIC,You ever hear of a bank?,JERRY,Come on. Let's go.
GEORGE,"Yes! (both laugh) God, I've never felt so alive!",JERRY,Maybe we should call this off.
KRAMER,Come on. What's the big deal? Just gonna put a little concrete in the washing machine.,JERRY,And what's gonna happen?
KRAMER,"Well, it'll gonna mix up with the water, and then by the end of the cycle it'll be a solid block!",JERRY,If only you could put your mind to something worthwhile. You're like Lex Luthor.
ELAINE,"Oh, you don't wanna know, mistah. I'm trouble. Big trouble.",JERRY,(trying to divert Vic's attention) What about the gentle cycle? You ever use that?
ELAINE,"Well, to teach something you really have to know a lot about it. I think you need a degree.",JERRY,Yeah. That's true.
KRAMER,(seeing Jerry is with people) Oh.,JERRY,"What? (Kramer hands Jerry an envelope) My God, the money! The 1500! Where'd you find it?"
KRAMER,It was in my laundry.,JERRY,In your laundry the whole time? I told you not to mix in our guys. What did we figure the damage on that machine would be?
KRAMER,"(yelling up) Well, what are you waiting for?",JERRY,"Elaine, come on, take a walk with me down to the Laundromat. I gotta pay this guy the money.."
GEORGE,(talking to nobody) Nah. It's probably a union thing.,JERRY,"People like the idea of revenge. Have you ever heard the expression 'The best revenge is living well' I've said this, in other words it means supposedly the best way to get back at someone is just by being happy and successful in your own life. Sounds nice, doesn't really work on that Charles Bronson. kinda level. You know what I mean, those movies where his whole family gets wiped out by some street scum. You think you could go up to him, 'Charlie forgot about the 357 what you need is a custom-made suit and a convertible. New carpeting, french doors, a divan. That'll show those punks.'"
[Setting,Night club],JERRY,"You know, I tell ya, I gotta say that I'm enjoying adulthood. For a lot of reasons. And, I'll tell you reason number one as an adult, if I want a cookie, I have a cookie, okay? I have three cookies or four cookies, or eleven cookies if I want. Many times I will intentionally ruin my entire appetite. Just ruin it. And then, I call my mother up right after to tell her that I did it. ""Hello, Mom? yeah, I just ruined my entire appetite.. cookies."" So what if you ruin.. See, because as an adult, we understand even if you ruin an appetite, there's another appetite coming right behind it. There's no danger in running out of appetites. I've got millions of them, I'll ruin them whenever I want!"
GEORGE,They refuse to put cucumber in the salad. I need cucumber.,JERRY,"(Trying to read the note) What have I done? I can't read this! Ful-hel-mo-nen-ter-val? I got up last night, I wrote this down, I thought I had this great bit."
ELAINE,"No. Let me see that. (Takes the paper from Jerry) Don't-mess-with-Johnny.""",JERRY,Johnny? Johnny who? Johnny Carson? Did I insult Johnny on The Tonight Show?
ELAINE,"Hey, where's Kramer?",JERRY,"I don't know. That's like asking ""Where's Waldo?"""
GEORGE,(Still holding the note) I think I'm having a heart attack.,JERRY,I don't think that's it.
GEORGE,I'm not kidding.,JERRY,What does that mean?
ELAINE,I think what he's trying to say is that he's having a heart attack.,JERRY,"Oh, he's having a heart attack."
GEORGE,Tightness..,JERRY,C'mon.
GEORGE,Shortness of breath..,JERRY,"Oh, this is ridiculous."
GEORGE,Radiating waves of pain..,JERRY,"I know what this is. You saw that show on PBS last night, Coronary Country. (To Elaine) I saw it in the TV Guide. I called him and told him to make sure and not watch it."
GEORGE,"There was nothing else on. Oh, the left arm.. the left arm.",JERRY,"(To Elaine) He saw that show on anorexia last year, and ate like an animal for two weeks."
GEORGE,Why can't I have a heart attack? I'm allowed.,JERRY,So what do you want? You want me take you to the hospital?
GEORGE,"Manhattan Memorial, less of a line.",JERRY,I'll call an ambulance. (Exits)
MAN,Shut up!,JERRY,Well? What do you think?
NURSE 1,"""Salami, salami, bologna."" Definitely.",JERRY,"""Salami salami bologna""?"
DOCTOR,"(In a hurry) Oh, your friend's fine. He didn't have a heart attack. I'll be in - in a few minutes.",JERRY,"(Sarcastic) What a surprise. (Enters George's room overly sympathetic - leading George to think that the Doctor told Jerry something significant) Hey, how ya doin' buddy? You need anything? Do you want me to go out and get you a Superman comic?"
GEORGE,"No, no thanks.",JERRY,"(Still going along with the practical joke) You know, I was wondering.. You know that Black Hawks jacket you have?"
GEORGE,"Oh, sure, my Black Hawks jacket. I love my Black Hawks jacket.",JERRY,"Well, you know, I was thinking - if things don't exactly work out.."
GEORGE,"Well, it wouldn't fit you. The sleeves are too short.",JERRY,"No, I tried it on. It fits good."
GEORGE,"Well, I didn't really think about what I was gonna do with all..",JERRY,"Well, you know.."
GEORGE,"(Reluctantly) Well, okay.",JERRY,"Oh, and.. do you think it would be alright if I called Susan Davis?"
GEORGE,"Susan Davis? (Getting possessive) Hey, wait a second..",JERRY,"Well, it's not like we'd be bumping into you."
GEORGE,I don't know.. you and Susan Davis?,JERRY,"You know, if your future was a little more certain.."
GEORGE,"Okay, go ahead. Call her, get married, have babies, have a great life.. What do I care? I'm finished. (Really depressed) It's all over for me. In fact, let's end it right now. Jerry, kill me, kill me now. I'm begging you. Let's just get it over with. Be a pal.. Just take the pillow and put it over my face.",JERRY,"Well, ah.. (Takes his pillow) What? Kind of like this? (Violently smothers George with the pillow. George freaks out. He didn't think Jerry would actually do it)"
ELAINE,Jerry!,JERRY,"(Acts like he was cought red-handed) Elaine, what are you doing here? (Takes the pillow off George, and puts it back on his bed)"
GEORGE,(To Jerry) Jerk off.,JERRY,(Whispering) There's nothing wrong with him. I saw the doctor. He's fine.
GEORGE,"(Relieved) I haven't? I'm okay? I'm okay? Oh, thank you, thank you, Doctor! I don't know how to thank you.",JERRY,"(Sarcastic) Hey, that was really fun, George. Can we go home now?"
DOCTOR,It happens.,JERRY,"Yeah, if you've been exposed to gamma rays."
DOCTOR,"That's interesting. Because, no one in my family has their tonsils, and we were forbidden to socialize with tonsil people.",JERRY,"(Sarcastically) Well, it's like the Capulets and the Montagues."
ELAINE,"(Flustered) Oh, I'm sorry. (Doctor exits) I just.. have to ask that doctor one more question. (Leaves)",JERRY,Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body.. we just want the body.
KRAMER,"Boy, they got a great cafeteria downstairs. Hot food, sandwiches, a salad bar.. It's like a Sizzler's opened up a hospital! (Sits and starts eating) So, how did you have a heart attack? You're a young man. What were you doing? Are they gonna do a zipper job? Oh, they love to do zipper jobs.",JERRY,(Trying to shut him up) Kramer.
KRAMER,"The really bad thing about the heart is the sex thing. See, you gotta be careful about sex now. You get that heart pumping and suddenly, boom! Next thing you know, you got a hose coming out of your chest attached to a piece of luggage.",JERRY,"Kramer, George didn't have a heart attack."
KRAMER,"Oh man.. No.. George, we gotta get you outta here. Get out! Right now! They'll kill ya in here.",JERRY,(Trying to calm George down) It's routine surgery.
GEORGE,"Well, what should I do, Kramer?",JERRY,"Well, for one think, don't listen to him."
KRAMER,"I'll tell you what to do, I'll tell you what to do. You go to Tor Eckman. Tor, Tor, he'll fix you right up. He's a herbalist, a healer, George. He's not just gonna fix the tonsils and the adenoids, he is gonna change the whole way you function - body and mind.",JERRY,Eckman? I thought he was doing time?
KRAMER,"No, no, he's out. He got out. See, the medical establishment, see, they tried to frame him. It's all politics. But he's a rebel.",JERRY,"A rebel? No. Johnny Yuma was a rebel. Eckman is a nut. George, you want to take care of your tonsils, you do it in a hospital. With a doctor."
GEORGE,Holistic.. that sounds right.,JERRY,"George, you need a medical doctor."
GEORGE,(To Jerry) Let me ask you something.. How much do you think it would cost to have tonsils and adenoids removed in the hospital?,JERRY,"Well, an overnight stay in a hospital? Minor surgery? I dunno, four grand."
GEORGE,"So, how do you like the way I talked you into comin' down here?",JERRY,"Don't flatter yourself, my friend. I'm here strictly for material, and I have a feeling this is a potential gold mine.. I still think you're nuts, though."
GEORGE,"All I know is I've been going to doctors all my life. What has it gotten me? I'm thirty-three years old. I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty, I'm already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped healthy adulthood. I went from having orgasms immediately to taking forever. You could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm. I've never had a normal, medium orgasm.",JERRY,(Jokingly making fun of George) I've never had a really good pickle.
TOR,(To Jerry) Would you not put your foot on that please?,JERRY,Sorry.
TOR,"No. You know, I am not a business man. I'm a holistic healer. It's a calling, it's a gift. You see, it's in the best interest of the medical profession that you remain sick. You see, that insures good business. You're not a patient. You're a customer.",JERRY,"(He thinks this, the audience can hear his thoughts) And you're not a doctor, but you play one in real life."
TOR,"(Feeling George's face) You see, you are in disharmony. The throat is the gateway to the lung. Tonsillitis, adenoiditis, is, in Chinese medical terms, and invasion of heat and wind.",JERRY,"(Again, we hear his thoughts) There's some hot air blowing in here.."
GEORGE,"(Once again, still on the shower) Could it be lukewarm?",JERRY,Too much dairy? You really think I'm eating too much dairy?
TOR,(Pouring tea) Your tea is ready now. This will solve your so-called tonsil problem. It's a special concoction. It contains crampbark.,JERRY,I love crampbark.
TOR,Cleavers.,JERRY,"Cleaver, I once had cleaver as a kid. I was able to lift a car."
TOR,And some couchgrass.,JERRY,"Couchgrass and crampbark? You know, I think that's what killed Curly."
KRAMER,"Go ahead, drink it, George.",JERRY,"Excuse me, Tor. May I ask you a question? You have intuitive abilities. You're in touch with a lot of this cosmic kind of things.. I have this note I can't read. I was wondering if-"
DRIVER,I don't even like Chuckles!,JERRY,(To Assistant) Maybe he doesn't like them. That's possible.
ASSISTANT,I want that Chuckle! You hear me?!,JERRY,(To Assistant) I'll get you a Chuckle. You want me to get you a Chuckle?
ASSISTANT,Yeah!,JERRY,You're gonna fight?
DRIVER,"Alright! I'm gonna mess you up, man!",JERRY,"(Pleading) Really, gentlemen, please."
GEORGE,You can't leave! This is an ambulance! This is an emergency!,JERRY,All this for a Chuckle.
KRAMER,What's a Chuckle?,JERRY,It's a jelly candy. it comes in five flavors.
[Setting,Ambulance],JERRY,You just can't leave him out there.
[Setting,Hospital room],JERRY,"How ya doing? (George nods) Can't talk? (George shakes his head. Jerry gestures to his brace) Hey, how'd you get the plastic one? (George raises his eyebrows) I like that. (George sticks his tongue out) So how's life without tonsils? (George quickly indicates with his arm that he wants ice cream) What? What's that? ..So, how much is this thing gonna cost you now? Like, five, six thousand?.. (George signals that it's more) Well, live and learn.. at least we lived. Kramer went to Eckman.. He feels better alreadyy.. (George motions for ice cream again) What are you doing?"
ELAINE,"Oh, poor George. Oh, I'm sorry, but I can't stay long. I don't want to run into Doctor Tongue.. Here, I brought you something. (Takes out a pint of ice cream. George gets excited) Oh, please, come on.. it was nothing.",JERRY,"Hey, check the TV."
TV VOICE,"(Germanic) It's just as you prophesied. The planets of our solar system, incinerating. Like flaming globes, Sigmond. Like flaming globes. Ah, ha, ha, ha..",JERRY,(Pulls the note out of his pocket) That's it! That's it! Flaming globes of Sigmond! Flaming Globes of Sigmond! That's my note! tha'ts what I thought was so funny?! ..That's not funny.. There's nothing funny about that.
[Setting,Night club],JERRY,"I have a friend who's a hypochondriac, always thinks he's sick - never is. And they, you have another type of person, always thinks they're well, not matter how bad they really are. You know this type of person? Very annoying. ""Feel great.. like being on the respirator.. intravenous heart/lung machine. I never felt better in my life."" Medical science is making advances every day in control health problems. In fact, it's probably only a matter of time before a heart attack, you know, becomes like, a head ache. We'll just see people on TV going, ""I had a heart attack this big (Holds out hands, gesturing bigness) ..but, I gave myself one of these. Clear! (Puts imaginary electrode panels to his chest) Brrhht.. and it's gone!"""
ELAINE,"Robert Vaughn, The Helsinki Formula?",JERRY,He was good in Man From Uncle.
ELAINE,Guess whose birthday's comin' up soon?,JERRY,"I know, I'm having my root canal the same week."
ELAINE,"Oh, right. I hope you have a good oral surgeon because that can be very serious. (Changes channel) Hey, look at naked people.",JERRY,"No, I don't wanna see the naked people."
ELAINE,Been a while?,JERRY,"I have a vague recollection of doing something with someone, but it was a long, long time ago."
ELAINE,I think my last time was in Rochester. My hair was a lot shorter.,JERRY,"I remember that it's a good thing. Someday, I hope to do it again. (Jerry looks at Elaine)"
ELAINE,What?,JERRY,What?
ELAINE,What was that look?,JERRY,What look?
ELAINE,The look you just gave me.,JERRY,I gave a look?
ELAINE,Yes.,JERRY,What kind of look?
ELAINE,I know that look.,JERRY,Then what was it?
ELAINE,Why should I tell you?,JERRY,"Well, you're the big look expert. I wanna see how smart you are."
ELAINE,Trust me. I know the look. (Pause) So...,JERRY,What?
ELAINE,What about the look?,JERRY,I don't know.
ELAINE,You got something on your mind?,JERRY,No. Things pop into your head. You?
ELAINE,Things occur to me from time to time.,JERRY,"Yeah, me too. Well, you can't expect to just forget the past completely."
ELAINE,"No, of course not.",JERRY,"I mean, it was something we did. Probably about, what? Twenty-five times?"
ELAINE,Thirty-seven.,JERRY,"Yeah, we pretty much know what we're doin' in there. (Points to bedroom)"
ELAINE,We know the terrain.,JERRY,No big surprises.
ELAINE,Nope.,JERRY,What do you think?
ELAINE,I don't know. What do you think?,JERRY,"Well, it's something to consider."
ELAINE,Yeah.,JERRY,"I mean, let's say we did."
ELAINE,What if.,JERRY,Is that like the end of the world or something?
ELAINE,Certainly not.,JERRY,Why shouldn't we be able to do that once in a while if we want to?
ELAINE,I know.,JERRY,"I mean, really, what is the big deal? We go in there. (Points to the bedroom) We're in there for a while. We come right back out here. It's not complicated."
ELAINE,It's almost stupid if we didn't.,JERRY,It's moronic.
ELAINE,Absurd!,JERRY,"Of course, I guess, maybe, some little problems could arise."
ELAINE,"We, there are always a few.",JERRY,"I mean, if anything happened, and we couldn't be friends the way we are now, that would be really bad."
ELAINE,Devastating.,JERRY,Because this is very good. (Points back and forth between them to indicate friendship)
ELAINE,And that would be good. (Points to bedroom),JERRY,That would be good too. The idea is combine the this and the that. But this cannot be disturbed.
ELAINE,"Yeah, we just wanna take this and add that.",JERRY,"But of course, we'd have to figure out a way to avoid the things that cause the little problems. Maybe some rules or something."
ELAINE,Huh.,JERRY,"For example, now, I call you whenever I'm inclined and vice versa."
ELAINE,Right.,JERRY,"But if we did that, we might feel a certain obligation to call."
ELAINE,"Well why should that be? Oh, I have an idea. I have an idea. No call the day after that.",JERRY,Beautiful. Let's make it a rule.
ELAINE,"All right, sir.",JERRY,Now here's another little rule.
ELAINE,Yeah.,JERRY,"When we see each other now, we retire to our separate quarters. But sometimes, when people get involved with that, they feel pressure to sleep over. When that is not really sleep. Sleep is separate from that. And I don't see why sleep got all tied up and connected with that."
ELAINE,"Okay, okay. Rule Number Two. Spending the night is optional!",JERRY,Well now we're gettin' somewhere.
ELAINE,What about the kiss goodnight?,JERRY,Tough one. You're call.
ELAINE,It's brug-wa (?).,JERRY,Fine. Well.
ELAINE,Well.,JERRY,You ready?
ELAINE,Ready.,JERRY,So think you can handle this?
KRAMER,Got the paper?,JERRY,Not yet.
KRAMER,No paper?,JERRY,I haven't been out yet.
GEORGE,"What's the deal with Aquaman? Could he go on land, or was he just restricted to water?",JERRY,"No, I think I saw him on land a couple times. So how's the job situation goin'?"
GEORGE,Still lookin'. It's pretty bad out there. What about you?,JERRY,Nothin' much. I slept with Elaine last night.
GEORGE,Oxygen! I need some oxygen! This is major.,JERRY,I thought you'd like that.
GEORGE,"Oh, this is huge!",JERRY,I know.
GEORGE,"All right, okay. Let's go, details.",JERRY,"No, I can't do details."
GEORGE,You wha?,JERRY,I can't give details.
GEORGE,No details?,JERRY,I'm not in the mood.
GEORGE,"You ask me here to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me. I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood!",JERRY,"All right, okay. We're in the apartment watching TV."
GEORGE,Where are you sitting?,JERRY,On the couch.
GEORGE,Next to each other?,JERRY,"No, separated."
GEORGE,Time?,JERRY,Around eleven.
GEORGE,"Okay, go ahead.",JERRY,"So she's flipping around the TV, and she gets to the naked station."
GEORGE,"Oh, see? that's why I don't have cable in my house. Because of that naked station. If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat. Eventually, firemen would have to break through the door, they'd find me sitting there in my pajamas with drool coming down my face. All right, all right. So you're watching the naked station.",JERRY,"And then, somehow, we started talking about, what if we had sex."
GEORGE,"Boy, these are really bad details.",JERRY,"It pains me to say this, but I may be getting to mature for details."
GEORGE,Oh I hate to hear this. That kind of growth really irritates me.,JERRY,Well. I'll tell you though. It was really passionate.
GEORGE,Better than before?,JERRY,She must've taken some kind of seminar or something.
GEORGE,This is all too much. So what are you feeling? What's going on? Are you like a couple again now?,JERRY,Not exactly.
GEORGE,Not exactly. What does that mean?,JERRY,"Well, we've tried to arrange a situation where we'll be able to do this once in a while and still be friends. (George laughs hysterically and stands out of his seat)"
GEORGE,Where are you living? Are you here? Are you on this planet? It's impossible. It can't be done.,JERRY,I think we've worked out a system.
GEORGE,"Oh, you know what you're like? You're like a pathetic gambler. You're one of those losers in Las Vegas who keeps thinking he's gonna come up with a way to win at blackjack.",JERRY,"No, this is very advanced. We've designed at set of rules that we can maintain the friendship by avoiding all of the relationship pitfalls."
GEORGE,"Sure, all right. Tell me the rules.",JERRY,Okay. No calls the next day.
GEORGE,"(To himself) So you're havin' the sex, next day you don't have to call. That's pretty good. (Back to Jerry) Go ahead.",JERRY,You ready for the second one?
GEORGE,"I have tell you, I'm pretty impressed with the first one.",JERRY,Spending the night. Optional.
GEORGE,"No, you see? You got greedy.",JERRY,"No, that's the rule. It's optional."
GEORGE,"I know less about women than anyone in the world. But one thing I do know is they're not happy if you don't spend the night. It could be a hot, sweaty room with no air conditioning and all they have is a little army cot this wide (Displays with French fry) You're not going anywhere.",JERRY,I think you're wrong.
GEORGE,I hope I am.,JERRY,Is this yours or the roommate's?
ELAINE,The roommate's.,JERRY,Would she mind?
ELAINE,She keeps track of everything.,JERRY,"Well, that's too bad, 'cause I'm takin' it."
ELAINE,Thanks.,JERRY,"Well, guess I'll get going."
ELAINE,Oh.,JERRY,"Well, I got that root canal tomorrow morning. It'll be easier if I go home."
ELAINE,"Fine, go away.",JERRY,I don't understand. Is there a problem? (Elaine is pulling a roll of paper towels about twenty feet long) I'm getting the impression there's a problem.
ELAINE,Just go.,JERRY,I'm having surgery tomorrow.
ELAINE,"Oh, surgery. You're going to the dentist.",JERRY,"But you said, it can be very serious."
ELAINE,"Okay, so fine. Go.",JERRY,What happened to the rules? Remember? Sleeping over was optional.
ELAINE,"Yeah, it's my house, it's my option.",JERRY,It has nothing to do with whose house it is.
Tina,"Hi, Jerry.",JERRY,Hi.
ELAINE,What are you doing?,JERRY,I can't go if you're mad.
ELAINE,I'm not mad.,JERRY,You seemed a little mad.
ELAINE,"No, no. Jerry, I'm fine really. It's okay.",JERRY,So you're okay with everything?
ELAINE,Definitely. Are you?,JERRY,"Definitely. Well, goodnight."
ELAINE,Goodn-- (He starts to kiss her) What're you doing?,JERRY,What?
GEORGE,What about jewelry? That's very nice gift.,JERRY,"No, no. I have to be very careful here. I don't want to send the wrong message. Especially after the other night."
GEORGE,Maybe I'll get her some jewelry.,JERRY,"No, no. You can't get her anything better than me. Whatever I spend, you have to spend half."
GEORGE,"What am I supposed to get, a bazooka?",JERRY,"You don't understand. I'm in a very delicate position. Whatever I give her, she's going to be bringing in experts from all over the country to interpret the meaning behind it."
GEORGE,What does she need? Maybe there's something that she needs.,JERRY,I think I heard her say something about a bench.
GEORGE,A bench? What kind of a bench?,JERRY,"I don't know, but she mentioned a bench."
GEORGE,"What, like at a bus stop?",JERRY,I don't know.
GEORGE,Like a park bench?,JERRY,I have no idea.
GEORGE,Who puts a bench in their house?,JERRY,Forget the bench.
GEORGE,I got it. You wanna get her something nice? How 'bout a music box?,JERRY,"No, too relationshippy. She opens it up, she hears that Laura's theme, I'm dead."
GEORGE,"Okay, what about a nice frame? With a picture of another guy in it. Frame says I care for you, but if you wanna get serious, perhaps you'd be interested in someone like this.",JERRY,Nice looking fellow.
GEORGE,What about candle holders?,JERRY,Too romantic.
GEORGE,Lingerie?,JERRY,Too sexual.
GEORGE,Waffle maker.,JERRY,Too domestic.
GEORGE,Bust of Nelson Rockefeller.,JERRY,Too Gubernatorial. (?)
GEORGE,Let's work on the card.,JERRY,Maybe you won't like it.
ELAINE,"Oh, how could I not like it? Of course I'll like it.",JERRY,You could not like it.
ELAINE,Just the fact that you remembered means everything.,JERRY,"Of course I remembered. You reminded me everyday for two months. Oh, the card. (She opens)"
ELAINE,Cash?,JERRY,Would do you think?
ELAINE,You got me cash?,JERRY,Well this way I figure you can go out and get yourself whatever you want. No good?
ELAINE,"Who are you, my uncle?",JERRY,Well come on. That's $182 right there. I don't think that's anything to sneeze at.
ELAINE,Pal? You think I'm your pal?,JERRY,"I said, ""and more."""
ELAINE,I am not your pal.,JERRY,What's wrong with pal? Why is everyone so down on pal? (Kramer enters with present)
KRAMER,"That's pretty good, huh?",JERRY,Great.
KRAMER,Remember when we were standing there and she mentioned it? I made a mental note of it.,JERRY,Well goody for you.
KRAMER,"Oh yeah, I'm very sensitive about that. I mean, when someone's birthday comes up, I keep my ears open. So what'd you get her?",JERRY,182 bucks.
ELAINE,Oh Kramer. (They embrace),JERRY,Could you excuse us please?
KRAMER,What?,JERRY,We're talking.
KRAMER,"Oh, the relationship. (He leaves)",JERRY,"You know, we never had one fight before this deal."
ELAINE,I know.,JERRY,Never.
ELAINE,Ever.,JERRY,We got along beautifully.
ELAINE,Like clams.,JERRY,It was wonderful.
ELAINE,A pleasure.,JERRY,"So I think we should just forget the whole deal, and go back to being friends."
ELAINE,I can't do it.,JERRY,You what?
ELAINE,I can't do that.,JERRY,"You mean it's... (She nods) No this. No that. No this or that. Oh, boy. Hmmm. What do you want?"
ELAINE,"This, that, and the other.",JERRY,"Oh, sure. Of course, you're entitled. Who doesn't want this, that, and the other?"
ELAINE,You.,JERRY,(Starts to correct then realizes) Well...
GEORGE,"Those birthdays. I told you. They're relationship killers. If a relationship is having any problems whatsoever, a birthday will always bring it out.",JERRY,I never should have made up those rules.
GEORGE,What is it about sex that just disrupts everything? Is it the touching? Is it the nudity?,JERRY,It can't be the nudity. I never got into these terrible fights and misunderstandings when I was changing before gym class.
GEORGE,You know what this means? I can't see her anymore either.,JERRY,Why?
GEORGE,"It's break up by association. Besides, she's mad at me anyway because of my birthday present.",JERRY,What did you end up giving her?
GEORGE,91 dollars.,JERRY,Sorry about that.
GEORGE,So what're you gonna do?,JERRY,"Well, if I call her, there's no joking around anymore. This is pretty much it."
GEORGE,"So, maybe this should be it.",JERRY,Could be it.
GEORGE,She seems like an it.,JERRY,"She's at it as you get. Imagine bumping into her on the street in five years with a husband. And she tells me he's a sculptor, they live in Vermont..."
GEORGE,We'd have to kill him.,JERRY,"We'd get caught, I'd get the chair."
GEORGE,I'd go to prison as your accomplice. I'd have to wear that really heavy denim. Go to the cafeteria line with the guy who slops those mashed potatoes onto your plate. Go to the bathroom in front of hundreds of people.,JERRY,"Plus, you know what else."
KRAMER,You got the paper yet?,JERRY,Yeah.
ELAINE,"Ah, this. And that.",JERRY,And the other.
[Setting,Night club],JERRY,"Men flip around the television more than women, I think. Men get that remote control in their hands, they don't even know what the hell they're watching. You know, we just keep going, ""Rerun, don't wanna watch it.. "" ""What are you watching?"" ""I don't care, I gotta keep going."" ""Who was that?"" ""I don't know what it was - doesn't matter, it's not your fault. It doesn't matter, I gotta keep going."" Women don't do this. See now, women will stop and go, ""Well, let me see what the show is before I change the channel."" You see? Men just fly. Because women, you see, women nest and men hunt. That's why we watch TV differently. Before there was flipping around, before there was television, kings and emperors and pharaohs and such had story-tellers that would tell them stories 'cause that was their entertainment. I always wonder, in that era, if they would get, like, thirty story-tellers together so they could still flip around. Just go, ""Alright start telling me a story, what's happening? I don't want to hear anymore. Shut up. Go to the next guy. What are you talking about? Is there a girl in that story? ..No? Shut up. Go to the next guy. What do you got? I don't want to hear that either. Shut up. No, go ahead, what are you talking about?.. I don't want to hear that. No, the all of you, get out of here. I'm going to bed."""
GEORGE,"(Shocked) She's pregnant? Leslie is pregnant?! Oh, see, there is no justice.",JERRY,"She's the performance artist, right?"
GEORGE,"(Sarcastic) Yeah, performance artist. She's a real performer. A real trooper.",JERRY,"What's her husband's name, again? Chip? Kip? Skip?"
ELAINE,Todd.,JERRY,Todd. Oh yeah. (To George) He's a Kennedy.
ELAINE,"No, he's not.",JERRY,"C'mon. He's a third cousin, or something."
ELAINE,By marriage.,JERRY,"Oh, by marriage. (To George) We went to their wedding. You should have heard him talking about Chappaquiddick - trying to blame the whole thing on bad directions."
GEORGE,"What, you don't think I can attract beautiful, intelligent women?",JERRY,"Thin ice, George. Thin ice.."
GEORGE,"(Again, sarcastic) Oh, what a huge blow to the culture.",JERRY,(Gesturing to George) You believe this guy? He holds a grudge like Khomeini.
GEORGE,"She dragged me down to that warehouse on the waterfront in Brooklin to see one of her ""performances"".",JERRY,"Oh, and she cooks dinner onstage for some celebrity?"
GEORGE,"Oh, yeah, sure, accident, right. She was aiming right at me like she was putting out a fire! Then, for the rest of the show, I'm sitting there with chocolate all over my shirt. Flies are landing on me. I'm boiling - I'm fantasizing all the things I'm gonna say when I see her. And later, finally, backstage when I talk to her, I'm a groveling worm. ""What kind of chocolate was that? Do you throw any other foods?""",JERRY,(To Elaine) he thought he still had a shot.
GEORGE,"And then, then, then she leaves with somebody else! Never even, never even said goodbye! Never called me back.. Never apologized. Nothing. Like I was dirt.",JERRY,What ever happened with the shirt?
ELAINE,I don't know what I'm gonna do. She asked me to give her a baby shower.,JERRY,Asked you? You're not going to do that are you?
GEORGE,Let Maria Shriver give her a baby shower.,JERRY,Ask not what I can do for you - ask what you can do for me.
ELAINE,"See, I was gonna give the shower in my apartment..",JERRY,But?
ELAINE,My roommate has Lyme disease.,JERRY,Lyme disease? I thought she had Epstein-Barr Syndrome?
ELAINE,She has this in addition to Epstein-Barr. It's like Epstein-Barr with a twist of Lyme disease.,JERRY,How did she get Lyme disease?
ELAINE,"I don't know. She did some outdoor version of Hair in Danbury, Connecticut.",JERRY,They still do that play?
ELAINE,It's a classic.,JERRY,With all the nudity?
GEORGE,(Still mad a Leslie) Never said goodbye. Goodbye!,JERRY,Explain to me how this baby shower thing works.
ELAINE,What do you wanna know?,JERRY,"Well, I mean, does it ever erupt into a drunken orgy of violence?"
ELAINE,Rarely.,JERRY,"There's no hazing of the fetus, or anything, is there?"
ELAINE,No.,JERRY,When is this suppose to be?
ELAINE,Saturday.,JERRY,"Saturday?.. Well, I have a show in Buffalo on Saturday. They're not gonna bust up my apartment, or anything, are they?"
ELAINE,I'll take full responsibility. You won't regret it.,JERRY,"'Cause I've seen these pregnant women - and they sometimes misjudge their fetal girth. Just like one wrong turn, and boom! And entire buffet is swept off the table."
GEORGE,"Someday, before I die, mark my words - I'm gonna tell that woman exactly what I think of her. I'll never be able to forgive myself until I do.",JERRY,And if you do?
KRAMER,What are you doing this for? Look at you..,JERRY,Quiet. I'm trying to get a picture.
KRAMER,But you don't have to do this! This guy is waiting in my house.,JERRY,(Pleading) Leave me alone.
KRAMER,It's a one-time fee. A hundred and fifty bucks. Why live like this?!,JERRY,I'm not getting illegal cable!
KRAMER,"Oh, so what are you gonna do? You gonna wait for the cable companies to resolve their dispute? They're gonna be in court for years.",JERRY,"No, I read in the paper.."
KRAMER,"(Sarcastic) Oh, oh, the paper..",JERRY,"Well, they might hook us up again."
KRAMER,"Oh, God, you're so naive! All the cable companies care about is the ""Big Mammoo."" (Jerry wacks the TV) Oh, look at you! You're banging things.. Pathetic. Just wasting your life. I'm offering you fifty-six channels - movies, sports, nudity. And it's free! For life!",JERRY,Stop shouting! You're ruining the reception.
KRAMER,"Can you hear yourself? Can, can, do you know what you're saying?!",JERRY,What you're suggesting is illegal.
KRAMER,It's not illegal.,JERRY,It's against the law.
KRAMER,"Well, yeah.",JERRY,"(Gesturing to the rabbit ears) Just, just, hold this. Can you hold that?"
KRAMER,"(Holding the rabbit ears) Look, will you at least let me bring the guy over? He's an amazing man. He's a Russian immigrant. He escaped the Gulag. He's like the Sakharov of cable guys.. He'll slow down your gas meter. He sells slugs, Jerry. Slugs for the subway.",JERRY,"A real human rights nut, huh?"
KRAMER,"Yeah. He's intense, man.",JERRY,I don't know. What if I get caught?
KRAMER,"Oh, you're not gonna get caught. Look, let me get him. Man, it's the nineties, it's Hammer time! Come on, just let me get him.",JERRY,"You know, why don't we wait? Because, I'm going out of town tomarrow."
KRAMER,"No problem. Yeah, you'll have the whole thing installed by the time you get back.",JERRY,"(Mutters to himself) Every time I turn on the TV, sirens are gonna go off. They're gonna track me down like a dog, I know it.."
KRAMER,"No, no, now look now, Jerry, Jerry, it's no risk. I swear. The Mets have seventy-five games on cable this year..",JERRY,"(Pauses, thinking about what Kramer just said) Put it in."
MAN,Mr. Steinfeld?,JERRY,Seinfeld.
MAN,We're with the FBI. You wanna tell us about your cable hook-up?,JERRY,My cable hook-up? What about it?
MAN,"It's been illegally installed, Mr. Steinfeld.",JERRY,It has? I've been out of town. How did you know?
MAN,"You're in serious trouble, Mr. Steinfeld.",JERRY,"Wait a minute. Wait a minute, hold on! We're just patsies. We're just a couple of users.. We never sold the stuff. What about the Russian guy? The Russian guy is the guy you want."
[Setting,Airplane],JERRY,Excuse me. Can I get something to drink?
STEWARDESS,I'm afraid not.,JERRY,"What's with this airline? What are you, cutting out the drinks now?"
STEWARDESS,No sir. We're flying into a blizzard. Please fasten your seat belt. We're making an emergency landing.,JERRY,(Sarcastic) Are they gonna go over the instructions again?
[Setting,Night club],JERRY,"I'm not afraid of flying, although many people do have fear of flying and, I have no arguement with that. I think fear of flying is quite rational because, human beings cannot fly. Humans have fear of flying same way fish have fear of driving. Put a fish behind the wheel, and they go, ""This isn't right. I shouldn't be doing this. I don't belong here."""
GEORGE,Sounds like a rough trip.,JERRY,"Oh, fire engines, ambulances all along the runway. And then, when we landed safely, they all seemed so disappointed."
GEORGE,"So, the college cancelled the gig?",JERRY,"Well, there was so much snow. The roads were closed. I really appreciate it - you picking me up. Thanks again."
GEORGE,(Modestly) Forget it.,JERRY,"No, really.. an airport run."
GEORGE,It's nothing.,JERRY,"Hey, it's one thing if I asked you ""Could you do me a favor?"" ..But to suggest it?.. GEORGE (Obviously up to something. Jerry doesn't suspect anything - yet) Whey you told me what you went through on the plane, it makes you stop and think. You appreciate having a real friend."
GEORGE,(Laughs nervously) ..Ulterior motive.,JERRY,"Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't take the bridge.. Get off here. We can't go back to my place, Elaine's having the shower."
GEORGE,"(Obviously knows that, but pretends he doesn't) What, tonight? Now?",JERRY,"Yeah, yeah. I forgot all about it. Alright, it's no big deal. We'll just go back to your place."
GEORGE,"My place? NO, no, no. I hate my place. I don't wanna go back to my place.",JERRY,You want to get a bite?
GEORGE,"Yeah, I would. It's just, you know, I just ate a whole pot roast.",JERRY,"Well, so what should we do?"
GEORGE,Shouldn't we at least drop off your bag?,JERRY,Red shirt! Red shirt! That's the red shirt!
GEORGE,(Nervous) What are you talking about?,JERRY,You're wearing the chocolate shirt!
GEORGE,I am? What a strange coincidence..,JERRY,"A - Ha! Nice try, my friend, but you gotta get up pretty early in the morning.."
GEORGE,(Pleading) You gotta let me go over there.,JERRY,"What are you gonna do? Badger a pregnant woman at her own baby shower?! What are you, gonna take it off and make her rinse it in club soda?"
[Setting,George's car],JERRY,And what if we go up there? What are you going to say to her?
GEORGE,(Boiling) What am I going to say?!,JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,"What did you go out with me for?! Just to dump chocolate on my shirt and then just dump me altogether?! I don't deserve that kind of treatment! What, you don't have the common courtesy to return my calls?! To apologize! You think I'm some sort of a loser, that likes to be abused and ignored?! Who's shirt can be ruined without financial restitution?! Some sort of a masochist who enjoys being humiliated? You think you can avoid me like I have some sort of disease?! You have the disease! You have the disease! You may be beautiful and rich and physically .. just .. unbelievable, but you sicken me! You disgust me! You and everyone like you!",JERRY,You'll never say that to her face.
ELAINE,What are you doing here? I thought you were out of town for the weekend.,JERRY,The show was cancelled. There was a blizzard.
LESLIE,"Jerry, what a surprise! I thought you sere out of town.",JERRY,"Well, Leslie, sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason."
MARY,"Jerry?! (A woman, angry at Jerry, approaches him. Jerry looks confused) Remember me?",JERRY,"I'm sorry, I.."
MARY,"(Livid) Mary Contardi. No? Doesn't ring a bell, Jerry? We had a date, three years ago. You took me to one of your shows.",JERRY,"(Stammering) Oh, I, I, think I remember.."
MARY,Told me you had a great time! Said you'd call me the next day.,JERRY,"Well, I'm sure I meant to call.. I probably just lost your.."
MARY,"Liar! Liar! You were never going to call me! You thought you could waltz throught the rest of your life and never bump into me again! But you were wrong, Jerry! You were wrong! What do you think, I'm some sort of poor, pathetic wretch?!",JERRY,"No, I don't think that.."
WOMAN,Yeah. I really have to be going.,JERRY,"Alright, listen, I've changed my mind about this whole thing. I don't want cable."
TABACHNICK,You don't want?,JERRY,"No, I don't want. So, just tell me what I owe you for your trouble.."
TABACHNICK,"(Confers with his assistant, then) Four hundred dollars.",JERRY,(To Kramer) Four hundred dollars?1 You told me one-fifty!
GEORGE,(Sheepishly to Elaine) I'll be right back. (Leaves),JERRY,(Defiantly) I'm not paying four hundred dollars! I don't even want the thing. What are you going to do?!
ELAINE,"Why can't I meet a Kennedy? ..I saw John Junior once downtown. I was on a bus. I hit the ding, but.. it didn't stop.",JERRY,"Alright, I said I had a good time and I'd call, but who takes that literally?"
[Setting,Night club],JERRY,"What do you do at the end of a date when you know you don't want to see this person ever again, for the rest of your life? What do you say? What do you say? No matter what you say, it's a lie. ""I'll see you around. See you around. If you're around, and I'm around, I'll see you around that area. You'll be around other people. You won't be around me. But you will be around."" ""Take care now."" Did you ever say that to somebody? ""Take care now. Take care, now. Because, I'm not going to be taking care of you. So, you should take care, now."" ""Take care. Take care."" What does this mean? ""Take off!"" Isn't that what you really want to say? ""Take off now."""
GEORGE,"Cops. I don't even care about cops. I wanna see more garbage men. It's much more important. All I wanna see are garbage trucks, garbage cans and garbage men. You're never gonna stop crime, we should at least be clean.",JERRY,"I tell you what they should do, they should combine the two jobs, make it one job, 'cop\garbage man'. I always see cops walking around with nothing to do. Grab a broom! Start sweeping. You sweep sweep sweep... catch a criminal, get right back to sweeping."
ELAINE,You should run for mayor.,JERRY,"Ehh, nobody listens."
GEORGE,"I don't know, I have to call her, tell her where we are. I'm very lucky she's even considering seeing me at all.",JERRY,Really? I thought things were going OK.
GEORGE,"They were, it's kinda complicated.",JERRY,Well what is it?
ELAINE,How many?,JERRY,"Ah, alright, four. Seinfeld."
ELAINE,"Let's go someplace else, I am too hungry.",JERRY,"We might as well just stay here, we haven't got that much time if we wanna make it to the movie."
BRUCE,"Lashbrook, 4!",JERRY,So did I do a terrible thing?
ELAINE,You mean lying to your uncle?,JERRY,"I couldn't have dinner with him. 'Plan 9 from Outer Space', one night only, the big screen. My hands are tied!"
ELAINE,"Jerry, get menus so when we sit down we can order right away.",JERRY,"Can't look at a menu now, I gotta be at the table."
ELAINE,"Everything's gotta be just so with you, doesn't it?",JERRY,"Hey, I offered you those cookies in my house."
ELAINE,What?,JERRY,"There's a woman over there that looks really familiar. Dark hair, striped shirt?"
ELAINE,I've never seen her before.,JERRY,I know this woman. This is gonna drive me crazy.
ELAINE,"Didja see that? Those people, look, they're getting a table.",JERRY,Well maybe they were here from before.
ELAINE,Find out what's going on!,JERRY,"Excuse me, didn't those people just come in? I believe we were ahead of them."
BRUCE,What's your name?,JERRY,Seinfeld.
ELAINE,Did you ever notice how happy people are when they finally get a table? They think they're so special because they've been chosen. It's enough to make you sick.,JERRY,"Boy, you are really hungry."
GEORGE,"If anything happens here, can I count on you?",JERRY,What?
GEORGE,If we decide to go at it.,JERRY,"Yeah, I wanna get into a rumble..."
ELAINE,I'm gonna faint...,JERRY,"George, who is that woman in the stripes?"
GEORGE,I don't know her.,JERRY,She looks so familiar.
ELAINE,"Ya know, its not fair people are seated First Come First Served, It should be based on who's hungriest. I feel like just going over there and taking some food off somebody's plate.",JERRY,"I'll tell you what, there's 50 bucks in it for you if you do it."
ELAINE,What do you mean?,JERRY,"You walk over that table, you pick up an eggroll, you don't say anything, you eat it, say 'thank you very much', wipe your mouth, walk away- I give you 50 bucks."
GEORGE,What are they gonna do?,JERRY,"They won't do anything; in fact, you'll be giving them a story to tell for the rest of their lives."
ELAINE,"50 bucks, you'll give me 50 bucks?",JERRY,"50 bucks. That table over there, the three couples."
ELAINE,"OK, I don't wanna go over there and do it, and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard on it or something...",JERRY,"No, no tricks."
PEOPLE AT TABLE,What? What is she talking about? What did she say?,JERRY,What happened?
ELAINE (laughing),"I offered them 25, they had no idea...",JERRY,"George, the phone's free."
ELAINE,"How do people fast? Did Ghandi get this crazy? I'm gonna walk around, see what dishes look good.",JERRY,I told my uncle I had a stomach ache tonight. You think he bought that?
GEORGE,"Yeah, well, he probably bought it.",JERRY,So what happened with Tatiana?
GEORGE,I shouldn't even tell you this.,JERRY,Come on...
GEORGE,"Well, after dinner last week, she invites me back to her apartment.",JERRY,I'm with you.
GEORGE,"Well, it's this little place with this little bathroom. It's like right there, you know, it's not even down a little hall or off in an alcove. You understand? There's no... buffer zone. So, we start to fool around, and it's the first time, and it's early in the going. And I begin to perceive this impending... intestinal requirement, whose needs are going to surpass by great lengths anything in the sexual realm. So I know I'm gonna have to stop. And as this is happening I'm thinking, even if I can somehow manage to momentarily... extricate myself from the proceedings and relieve this unstoppable force, I know that that bathroom is not gonna provide me with the privacy that I know I'm going to need...",JERRY,This could only happen to you.
GEORGE,"So I finally stop and say, ""Tatiana, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I think it would be best if I left"".",JERRY,You said this to her after.
GEORGE,No. During.,JERRY,"Oh, boy."
GEORGE,Yeah.,JERRY,Wow! So...?
ELAINE,"Jerry, talk to that guy again.",JERRY,What am I gonna say?
BRUCE (laughing),"Give him a plate and you eat here... Come on, I give you a table.",JERRY,"Excuse me... we've been waiting here. Now, I KNOW we were ahead of that guy, he just came in."
GEORGE,She's not there. She left. She must've waited and left because those people wouldn't get off the phone.,JERRY,Didja leave a message?
ELAINE,"Oh, Jerry, here comes that woman...",JERRY,Where do I know her?
LORRAINE,"Hello, Jerry!",JERRY,Heeeeyyyy... How you doin'?
LORRAINE,How is everything?,JERRY,"Good, good, good... What's goin' on?"
LORRAINE,"Oh, working hard. And you?",JERRY,"Oh, you know, working around, same stuff, doing... whatever."
LORRAINE,You haven't been around in a while.,JERRY,"I know, I know... Well, you know."
LORRAINE,You should come by.,JERRY,"Definitely. I plan to, I'm not just saying that."
LORRAINE (shaking her hand),Lorraine. Catalano.,JERRY,"I'm sorry, Lorraine, this is Elaine..."
ELAINE (smug),"Oh, nice to meet you too, Lorraine!",JERRY,"Oh my god, Lorraine... that's Lorraine from my uncle's office. I'm in big, big trouble."
ELAINE,The one you broke the plans with tonight?,JERRY,"Yeah, she works in his office. Now she's gonna see him tomorrow and tell him she saw me here tonight. He's gonna tell his wife, his wife's gonna call my mother. Oh, this is bad, you don't know, the chain reaction of calls this is gonna set off. New York, Long Island, Florida, it's like the Bermuda Triangle. Unfortunately, nobody ever disappears. My uncle to my aunt, my aunt to my mother, my mother to my uncle..."
ELAINE,You should've just had dinner with your uncle tonight and gotten in over with. It's just a movie.,JERRY,"Just a movie?! You don't understand. This isn't 'Plans 1 through 8 from Outer Space', this is 'Plan 9', this is the one that worked. The worst movie ever made!"
ELAINE,"Alright, OK. Let's stop fooling around. Let's just slip him some money.",JERRY,In a Chinese restaurant? Do they take money?
GEORGE,It's more than the meal!,JERRY,"Oh, come on, We'll divide it up three ways."
GEORGE,"Alright. 7,7, (points at himself) 6. I'm not gonna eat that much!",JERRY,"I'm counting your shrimps. OK, Who's gonna do it?"
ELAINE,"I guess it's you, Jer.",JERRY,Me? What about you?
ELAINE,"Oh, I can't do that, it's a guy thing.",JERRY,"The woman's movement just can't seem to make any progress in the world of bribery, can they?"
ELAINE,"No no, no, I want that table. I want that table! Oh, come on, did you see that? What was that? He took the money, he didn't give us a table.",JERRY,You lost the 20.
ELAINE,Make it clear?,JERRY,"What a sorry exhibition that was. Alright, let me get the money back."
BRUCE,Your name?,JERRY,Seinfeld.
BRUCE,"Yeah, Seinfeld 4!",JERRY,"No no no, you see the girl there, with the long hair?"
BRUCE,"Oh yes, yes. Very beautiful girl, very beautiful. Is your girlfriend?",JERRY,"Well, actually, we did date for a while, but... it's really not relevant here."
BRUCE,Relationships are difficult. It's very hard to stay together-,JERRY,"Alright, listen, alright. How much longer is it gonna be?"
GEORGE,So?,JERRY,There seems to be a bit of a discrepancy.
ELAINE,So when are we gonna eat?,JERRY,"Five, ten minutes."
GEORGE,We should have left earlier. I told you.,JERRY,I don't see any way we can eat and make this movie.
ELAINE,"Oh, well I have to eat.",JERRY,"Well let's just order to go, we'll eat it in the cab."
ELAINE,Eat it in the cab? Chinese food in a cab?,JERRY,We'll eat it in the movie.
ELAINE,"Oh, who do you think you're going? Do you think that they have big picnic tables there?",JERRY,Well what do you suggest?
ELAINE,"I say we leave now, we go to 'Skyburger' and we scarf 'em down.",JERRY,"I'm not going to 'Skyburger'. Besides, it's in the opposite direction, let's just eat popcorn or something."
ELAINE (tries to snatch food off a waiter's tray),I have to eat!,JERRY,So they have hotdogs there.
GEORGE,She called. He yelled Cartwright. I missed her.,JERRY,Who's Cartwright?
GEORGE,I'm Cartwright!,JERRY,You're not Cartwri-
ELAINE,"Well me neither, I'm goin' to 'Skyburger'.",JERRY,So You're not going?
ELAINE,You don't need us.,JERRY,"Well I can't go to a bad movie by myself. Who am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to, strangers? Eh, I guess I'll just go to my uncle's."
BRUCE,"Seinfeld, 4?",JERRY,"Hunger will make people do amazing things. I mean, the proof of that is cannibalism. Cannibalism, what do they say, I mean, they're eating and, you know, ""This is good, who is this? I like this person"". You know, I mean, I would think the hardest thing about being a cannibal is trying to get some very deep sleep, you know what I mean? I would think, you'd be like, (pretending to wake up) ""Who is that? Who's there? Who's there? Is somebody there? What do you want? What do you want? You look hungry, are you hungry? Get out of here!"""
[Setting,Night club],JERRY,"I'm not a foodie. I don't, ""Oh, this is too rare. Oh, it's too salty."" Just eat it and shut up. I'll eat anywhere, whatever they're having. I have eaten rotten rolls off of room service trays in hotel hallways. I have. It's not a joke. This is my life. I don't know, somebody left it. Why would someone poison a roll, and leave it in a hallway for some comic coming down at two o' clock in the morning? Why would they do that? Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant, they put the check in a little book. What is this? The story of the bill? ""Once upon a time, there were some very hungry people.."" What is this? A little gold tassle hanging down? Am I graduating from the restaurant? What is this about?"
ELAINE,Do you want some of mine?,JERRY,Take some of mine.
GEORGE,"Why do I get pesto? Why do I think I'll like it? I keep trying to like it, like I have to like it.",JERRY,Who said you have to like it?
GEORGE,"Everybody likes pesto. You walk into a restaurant, that's all you hear - pesto, pesto, pesto.",JERRY,I don't like pesto.
GEORGE,Where was pesto 10 years ago?,JERRY,"(Gesturing to a man) Look at that guy. (Elaine starts to look, but Jerry stops her) I'll bet you he's gettin' hair transplants. Any time you see a guy that age wearing a baseball cap, ten to one - plugs."
ELAINE,"(Elaine turns to look at the man, trying to make it sound like they aren't talking about him) The thing about that painting.. is with the colors and um.. (Turns back to Jerry) Oh yeah, plugola.",JERRY,"(To Elaine) Oh, one more thing about the car. Let it warm up for a minute."
GEORGE,That's a tough minute. It's like waiting in the shower for the conditioner to work.,JERRY,I don't understand why he couldn't take a cab.
GEORGE,Who?,JERRY,"Elaine is having a ""houseguest."" She's picking him up at the airport tonight."
ELAINE,"(Slightly embarrassed) Yes, a guy.",JERRY,"He's from a.. Yakima, right?"
ELAINE,Seattle.,JERRY,Everybody's moving to Seattle.
ELAINE,(To Jerry) You tell him.,JERRY,"Well, from what I can piece together, our friend here met a gentleman."
ELAINE,Ed.,JERRY,"Who was in town on a business venture, and um.."
ELAINE,..We shared an interpersonal experience. (George hits his glass with his fork. To Jerry) Go on.,JERRY,"So they went out a few times, but apparently, when the fellow returned home, he discovered that the Benes tattoo does not wash off so easily."
GEORGE,Oooh.,JERRY,"So, he's coming in to stay with her for a week."
ELAINE,"(Joking, she snobbishly says) I'm never eating here again.",JERRY,"(Pats George on the back) Nice going. Thank you, that ought to get us a free dessert.. (They can see the manager chewing the busboy out from the dining room doorway) I think the busboy's in trouble."
ELAINE,"I said I would never eat here again.. But, I, I.. he had to know I was kidding.",JERRY,"(Casually buttering a roll, like he's the innocent one) I didn't say anything."
GEORGE,I didn't know he'd get fired.,JERRY,(Jokingly trying to put more pressure on Elaine and George) He'll probably kill his family over this.
GEORGE,What if he's waiting for me outside? He pointed at me! Did you see him point?!,JERRY,"(Again, joking) A lot of ex-cons become busboys. They seem to gravitate twards 'em."
ELAINE,Was it my fault?,JERRY,(Doesn't have a care in the world) ..Maybe I'll try that pesto.
[Setting,Jerry's apartment],JERRY,"Look, I feel bad for him too, but he'll get another job. I mean, let's face it, it's not a profession where you embellish your resume and undergo a series of grueling interviews."
GEORGE,"(Eating a sandwich) Oh, like you really know busboys.",JERRY,"Oh, like you do."
GEORGE,"Hey, at least I was a camp waiter.",JERRY,(Scoffing) Camp.
GEORGE,It was a fat camp. Those kids depended on me.,JERRY,Elaine?
ELAINE,(Through intercom) Yeah.,JERRY,Busboys are always changing jobs. That's the business. I know. I work with these guys. I tallk to them in the kitchen at the comedy clubs.
GEORGE,Then why don't you try and get him another job?,JERRY,"I'd love to, but I don't know anything about him. He could be one of those people that walks around the street pricking people with pins."
ELAINE,"Does the word ""charm"" mean anything to you?",JERRY,No. (George grabs his jacket) So now you're going to his apartment? I really think this is nuts.
GEORGE,(Putting his jacket on) I'd like to apologize. I want to tell him I.. I.. didn't mean to get him in trouble.,JERRY,"You, you're going now?"
GEORGE,"Yeah, I want to see if there's anything I can do.. maybe get him another job.. maybe I'll hear of something.",JERRY,Maybe the fat camp. (To Elaine) You're not going?
ELAINE,"I would, but I have to pick up Ed at the airport.",JERRY,I just don't think you should go alone. Can't you wait till after my set?
GEORGE,It'll take to long.,JERRY,Take the K-man. A little support..
[Setting,Jerry's apartment],JERRY,"(On the phone) George, stop worrying about this guy. It wasn't your fault.. Come on, he's not stalking you."
KRAMER,Hey.,JERRY,(To Kramer) Hey. (To George) He doesn't even know where you live.. Who told you to give him your business card?.. (Intercom buzzes) That's Elaine. (Kramer buzzes her in. Jerry talks into the phone) Kramer.. (To Kramer) George wants to know when you want to look for the cat again.
KRAMER,It's been a week. It's up to the cat now.,JERRY,(Into phone) Kramer says it's up to the cat now. (To Kramer) It'll be on your conscience.
KRAMER,Oh? How do you figure?,JERRY,(Into phone) How do you figure? (To Kramer) 'Cause you're the one who left the door open.
KRAMER,Why was I in charge of closing the door?,JERRY,"(Into phone) Why was he in charge of closing the door? (Irritated at the phone message relay, to Kramer) 'Cause you came in after him!"
KRAMER,So!,JERRY,"(Into phone) So! (To Kramer - getting even more angry) So, the last person in should close the door!"
KRAMER,Let me talk to him.,JERRY,(To Kramer) Talk - call him from your house. (Elaine enters. Kramer leaves. To phone) He's calling you now.. okay. (Hangs up)
ELAINE,Ed's downstairs. CAn I have the car keys?,JERRY,No hello?
ELAINE,"Got any asprin? (Finds some) Hello. Now, lookit, you guarantee this car will get me to the airport tomarrow? No problems?",JERRY,"Guarantee? ..Hey, it's a car."
ELAINE,"Because if there's even the slightest chance of any problem at all, I don't want to take it - because if I don't get this guy on a plane to Seattle and out of my life, I'm gonna kill him, and everyone who tries to stop me.",JERRY,"(Jokingly asking) So, did you have a nice week together?"
ELAINE,I heard a little ping in the car last time. What was that ping?,JERRY,There's no ping. Why are you so wacky?
ELAINE,"Jerry, you cannot imagine how much I hate this guy.. and he hasn't even done anything! It's the situation. He's a wonderful guy, but I hate his guts!",JERRY,"So, you two been, uh.."
ELAIEN,"No! I told him I've been having my period for the last five days! I'm sleeping all squished over on the edge of my bed.. But, I've only got fourteen hours to go. Nothing can go wrong now. I think I've taken care of everything. I've confirmed the plane reservation. I've checked the weather..",JERRY,What's your airport route?
ELAINE,I've got it all mapped out - I'm taking the tunnel.,JERRY,..What about the Van Wyck?
ELAINE,"I spoke to a cab driver. For five bucks, he turned me on to the Rockaway Boulevard shortcut.",JERRY,Oooh.
ELAINE,"Now, lookit, this plane leaves at 1015. We're getting up at about eight. That gives us enough time, right?",JERRY,You still using that old alarm clock?
[Setting,Night club],JERRY,"Flying doesn't make me nervous - driving to the airport can make you very nervous because when you're flying, when you're getting on the plane, if you miss that plane, there's no alternative. On the ground, you have options. You have buses, you have taxis, you have trains. But, when you're taking a flight, if you miss it, that's it. No airline goes, ""Well, you missed the flight, we do have a cannon leaving in about ten minutes. Would you be interested in that? It's not a direct cannon, you have to change cannons after you land."" (Imitates cannon operator) ""I'm sorry, where you goin'? Chicago? (Cranks the cannon) Oh, Dallas? Alright, wait a second.. (Cranks cannon to Dallas) Dallas. That's about Dallas. Texas, anyway. You should hit Texas. Are you ready? Make sure you get out of the net immediately, because we shoot the luggage in right after you."""
[Setting,Jerry's apartment],JERRY,Anywhere in the city?
GEORGE,Anywhere in the city - I'll tell you the best public toilet.,JERRY,Okay.. Fifty-fourth and Sixth?
GEORGE,"Sperry Rand Building. 14th floor, Morgan Apparel. Mention my name - she'll give you the key.",JERRY,Alright.. Sixty-fifth and Tenth.
GEORGE,The busboy's coming?,JERRY,You don't mean here?
GEORGE,He's coming up?! (Moves to the door) I'll check you out later.,JERRY,Where are you going?
GEORGE,I'm the one he wants! He's coming to settle the score.,JERRY,(Trying to get George and Kramer out) No. You three all know each other. There's no point in me getting involved at this stage of the game.
[Setting,Coffee shop],JERRY,He'll get another job. He's a busboy!
GEORGE,It won't for a while. At least not until after the cast comes off.,JERRY,It was that fall down the stairs. That's what did it.
GEORGE,"I should probably get going too. If I don't feed Pequita by seven, she goes all over everything.. take it easy.",JERRY,Yeah.. (Takes a bite of his sandwich as the waiter starts cleaning off the table) How ya doing?
[Setting,Night club],JERRY,"First of all, I can't believe that people actually do fight. People have fist fights in life. I can't really believe that we have boxing either. It's really kind of an amazing thing. To me, the problem with boxing is - you have two guys having a fight that have no prior argument. Why don't they have the boxers come into the ring in little cars, drive around a bit, have a little accident? They get out, ""Didn't you see my signal?"" ""Look at that fender!"" ..Then you'd see a real fight."
JULIANNA,"...And usually for lunch I'll have a salad, and for dinner, I eat whatever I want.",JERRY,What do you think the worst part of being blind is?
JULIANNA,Excuse me?,JERRY,"You know, if you were blind, what do you think the worst part of it would be?"
JULIANNA,I don't know.,JERRY,I think it would be not being able to tell if there was bugs in my food. How could you ever enjoy a meal like that? I'd constantly be feeling around with my lips and my tongue.
JULIANNA,Well that's how my five-year old eats. He's a very picky eater.,JERRY,You hear about that kid that was kidnapped the other day in Pennsylvania?
JULIANNA,No.,JERRY,"He was at a carnival with his mother. She goes to get a hot dog, next thing you know she turns around, boom, he's gone."
JULIANNA,Oh.,JERRY,"Imagine how sick a person has to be to do something like that. (she starts the quick hand chops on his back) And these people are all over the place. You never know who's crazy, I could be one of these people."
JULIANNA (visibly uncomfortable),Have you seen any good movies?,JERRY,Who takes care of your boy during the day?
JULIANNA,We have a woman. Why?,JERRY,No no. I'm just saying.
JULIANNA,She had references.,JERRY,"Oh I'm sure she did, I'm sure they're impeccable. I'm talking about the ones that forge `em."
JULIANNA,"I don't live near here, ya know!",JERRY,So she's giving me the massage and I'm just making conversation.
ELAINE,I don't like to talk during a massage.,JERRY,"Neither do I, but I do it for them. I figure they're bored."
ELAINE,Oh! I forgot to tell you--,JERRY,I'm in the middle of a story.
GEORGE,Why don't you ever go shopping?,JERRY,Well its not like it's a really funny story or anything.
ELAINE,What happened?,JERRY,"Well so she mentioned that she had a son, and then for some reason, I launch into the story about the kid from Pennsylvania who was abducted."
ELAINE,"Oh, wasn't that terrible?",JERRY,"Yes, it was."
ELAINE,"She doesn't want to hear that, that was stupid.",JERRY,I know it was stupid.
ELAINE,Really stupid. (she takes a big sip from her bottled water.),JERRY,"Hey, I just said it was stupid."
GEORGE,What about this leftover Chinese food?,JERRY,Take it.
ELAINE,I can't believe you said that.,JERRY,"Hey, would you stop it already?"
ELAINE,"So, whatd she say?",JERRY,"I don't know, she actually seemed to get a little paranoid."
ELAINE,I have a good masseuse you could go to.,JERRY,"Nah, she's really good and she's not just a masseuse, she's a physical therapist. There's a big difference. She uses the ultrasound, it's a real medical procedure. In fact, if you get a doctor's note, it's covered by insurance."
GEORGE,Physical therapy is covered by insurance?,JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,You don't have to pay for the massage?,JERRY,Not if you have a doctor's note.
ELAINE,So where do you get this note?,JERRY,"Well I've never actually done it but if I really wanted to I could probably get one from my friend Roy, the dentist."
ELAINE,What's the name of this physical therapist?,JERRY,"I'll tell you, but don't ask her anything about her kid, she a little off."
ELAINE,How'd it go? George?,JERRY,"No appointments at all? Because my neck is still tight. What about Thursday? And Friday? Oh boy. Okay, thanks anyway."
GEORGE,A... ah...,JERRY,"Yes, A...?"
GEORGE,A man gave me...,JERRY,"Yes, a man gave you...?"
GEORGE,"A man gave me... a massage. hu, hu",JERRY,So?
GEORGE,"So he... had his hands and, uh, he was uh",JERRY,He was what?!
GEORGE,He-he was uh touching and rubbing. (nervous laugh),JERRY,That's a massage.
GEORGE,And then I took my pants off.,JERRY,You took your pants off?
GEORGE,For my hamstring.,JERRY,Oh.
GEORGE,"He got about uh, two inches from... there.",JERRY,Really?
GEORGE,I think it moved.,JERRY,Moved?
GEORGE,"It may have moved, I don't know.",JERRY,I'm sure it didn't move.
GEORGE,It moved! It was imperceptible but I-I felt it.,JERRY,"Maybe it just wanted to change positions? You know, shift to the other side."
GEORGE,"No, no. It wasn't a shift, I've shifted, this was a move.",JERRY,"Okay, so what if it moved?"
GEORGE,That's the sign! The test; if a - if a man makes it move.,JERRY,"That's not the test. Contact is the test, if it moves, as a result of contact."
GEORGE,You think it's contact? It has to be touched?,JERRY,That's what a gym teacher once told me.
KRAMER,"I just saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Donuts. You know, I-I looked in there and there he was having coffee and a donut.",JERRY,Joe DiMaggio? In Dinky Donuts?
KRAMER,Yeah. Joe DiMaggio.,JERRY,"No, I'm sorry, if Joe DiMaggio wants a donut, he goes to a fancy restaurant or a hotel. He's not sitting in Dinky Donuts."
GEORGE,I don't even like to sit next to a man on an airplane 'cause our knees might touch.,JERRY,I can't see Joe DiMaggio sitting at the counter in little tiny filthy smelly Dinky Donuts.
KRAMER,Why can't Joe DiMaggio have a donut like everyone else?,JERRY,"He can have a donut,"
KRAMER,Yeah.,JERRY,but not at Dinky.
GEORGE,"The guy slept with Marilyn Monroe, he's in Dinky Donuts. What about this doctor's note? Let's go see your friend Roy.",JERRY,I never said I'd do that.
GEORGE,"What are you talking about, that's seventy-five bucks! I'm not working, I can't afford that.",JERRY,I don't know how I feel about it.
GEORGE,"Oh, what are you, like, a Quaker now?",JERRY,"Alright, alright."
KRAMER,Wha-ha-a-at? (makes a gesture with his hand),JERRY,"...so we were just kinda wondering if it was possible for you to write us a note, and if you can't, believe me, it's fine."
GEORGE,He didn't say he can't.,JERRY,"I mean, if you feel funny about it, at all."
GEORGE,He doesn't feel funny.,JERRY,If he does.
GEORGE,Do you feel funny? He didn't say anything.,JERRY,He feels funny. You don't have to do this.
GEORGE,He knows that!,JERRY,"Roy, should we go? Is this a breach of our friendship?"
GEORGE,Why should I?,JERRY,What is the matter with you?
ROY,"So, you want the notes?",JERRY,"You don't have to, really."
ROY,"Nah nah, it's ok.",JERRY,"We should probably get one for Elaine, too, right George? (turns to George, who is staring intently at the Holyfield poster) George?"
ELAINE,What? (he bumps her with his butt to move over),JERRY,"Can I - can I at least just talk to her so I can apologize? Forget it. (Hangs up) I can't believe this, I make one innocent comment, about some lunatic in Pennsylvania and I'm cut off. This woman is insane. (Looks at Elaine for a moment) What's with you?"
ELAINE,What?,JERRY,"Well you were too close to me, I was all scrunched in there."
KRAMER,"Hey, I saw DiMaggio in the donut shop again.",JERRY,Uh huh.
KRAMER,That's right.,JERRY,"See, now I know it's not him. Joe DiMaggio could not be a dunker."
ELAINE,Why didn't you just call out his name?,JERRY,What happened to you?
ELAINE,"Hey, George? What is this? (laughing, Elaine makes the same outstretched arm motion) What is that? No really, what is that?",JERRY,"Hello? Oh, hi Roy. What? Oh my god. Wel-- how did this happen? What can I do? Oh. I am so sorry. Okay. Bye. (Hangs up) That was Roy. He's under investigation for insurance fraud."
KRAMER (singing),"...just a man and not a freak, Joltin' Joe DiMaggio. Joe, Joe. Go, Joe...",JERRY,I told you.
GEORGE,Told me what?,JERRY,I told you we shouldn't do it.
GEORGE,He didn't say anything.,JERRY,"He's got a house, a family, they could take away his license. You should have heard him. Three notes, how stupid was that? We never should have got three notes."
ELAINE,Three notes?,JERRY,"Yeah, you, me and George."
ELAINE,You got me a note?,JERRY,Yeah.
ELAINE,But I got my own note.,JERRY,You what?
ELAINE,I got a note from my gynecologist.,JERRY,Why'd you do that?
ELAINE,I didn't know you were getting me a note.,JERRY,Of course I was getting you a note.
ELAINE,But you didn't say anything. Ohhh,JERRY,"Neither did you, that's how he got caught. We sent in four notes from two doctors."
KRAMER,"How can you do that to your friend? He's got a wife, kids, and a lot of other stuff. Oh, yyyeeah.",JERRY,Hi Pam.
GEORGE,Hello.,JERRY,"I just thought ahh maybe I could talk to Roy, if um"
ROY,"Pam, did the x-ray from Mrs. Sloan... Hi.",JERRY,Hi Roy.
ROY,"Come on back, I have a patient but she's under.",JERRY,I don't even know what to say.
GEORGE,Me neither.,JERRY,I knew this would happen.
GEORGE,Me too.,JERRY,"I mean the whole thing, it's just..."
GEORGE,Tragic.,JERRY,Well it's not tragic.
GEORGE,No?,JERRY,"No, it's..."
GEORGE,Unsettling?,JERRY,"Okay. I mean, what if the--"
PAM,I hope you're both happy. (she turns and walks away),JERRY,I'm not happy.
GEORGE,Me neither. I've never been happy.,JERRY,"I mean I'm happy sometimes, but-but not now."
GEORGE,"In college, maybe. Those were fun times.",JERRY,"Yeah, college was fun."
GEORGE,Yeah.,JERRY,Yeah.
ROY,Don't mind her.,JERRY,"Oh please, I love her."
ROY,"I can't understand, I've never had a problem with these notes before.",JERRY,"Well what's the next move, what's gonna happen now?"
ROY,"Well, nothing really, as long as we get the physical therapist to go along with our story.",JERRY,What? The physical therapist? Why?
GEORGE,How ya doing?,JERRY,"Hi. Ah look, I know I don't have an appointment but it's really important that I talk with Julianna."
RECEPTIONIST,"I'm sorry, Mr. Seinfeld, she's not in.",JERRY,"Yeah, I know she's mad at me, but I really have to speak with her."
RECEPTIONIST,"I told you, she's not here.",JERRY,"You don't understand, ah"
RECEPTIONIST,"Look, you have to leave.",JERRY,"Wait a second, don't you--"
JULIANNA,Please!,JERRY,"--but, you see, let me just talk to you for a second, see, what I did is inadvertently sent an insurance--"
JULIANNA,"I treated you, so please, just get out of the office!",JERRY,Can't you just listen to me?
JULIANNA (releasing her child),Run Billy! Run to the office and close the door! (to the receptionist) Call the police!,JERRY,The police?
ELAINE,"Well, I mean it's only a six month probation, it's a slap on the wrist.",JERRY,"Yeah, I still don't see any dinner invitations forthcoming."
GEORGE,"They talk back. They go, ""Hey George, how's it going?"" I say, ""Get the hell out of here!""",JERRY,"Hey, it's the K-man. (he bangs on the glass to get Kramer's attention, Elaine laughs) Maybe it's time you got a different hobby."
KRAMER,"Man, Ughhhh, wwwheh. I just came from Roy's. I threw up from the gas.",JERRY,Did he say anything?
KRAMER,Where?,JERRY,Having a cup of coffee.
KRAMER,Yeah -- yeah.,JERRY,Wow. Look at him. The Yankee Clipper
KRAMER,(quietly) yeah.,JERRY,here.
KRAMER,"Wait, wait hold on now, wait, wait *bang* (he slams his hand down on the table, startling Jerry, Elaine and George) *bang* (again) *yip* (another high pitched yelping sound) *yip* *yip* See? I told you.",JERRY,"What causes homophobia? What is it, that makes a heterosexual man, worry? I think it's because, men know, that deep down we have weak sales resistance. We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think, ""Obviously I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store, thinking it's a shoe store, and the salesman goes, 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around the store a little bit, see how you feel. No obligation, no pressure, just try it. Would you like to see him in a sandal?'"""
Sung by,Betty Bonney,JERRY,"Welcome everyone to the room...Ah, the extra button....yeah ... what kind of a sicko would save these ...have them in a huge file, drawers that wide (small fingers opening imaginary drawers) Where the hell is that ... I mean is it THAT hard to get round black buttons that they have to make it into such a great thing like this? ... is it such a great jacket ... the buttons are so unique, so one of a kind, you'll never find them - they save you the trouble of knocking your brain off - and we know they're going to fall off too that's the other thing ..."
GEORGE,Tommy C.,JERRY,These are the receipts from 85 and I'm going to do 86.
KRAMER,I'm sorry. I thought it was a legitimate charity. I didn't know you'd get audited,JERRY,I don't blame you. I blame myself.
KRAMER,"No, blame me.",JERRY,"OK, I blame you."
KRAMER,Don't blame me.,JERRY,What was I supposed to do? You knew I was on my first date with Elaine. You come barging in here asking me to contribute money for a volcano relief fund for krakatoa.
KRAMER,It was supposed to erupt.,JERRY,I find the whole thing very embarrassing.
KRAMER,You know what my feelings are about this. I don't even pay taxes.,JERRY,"Yeah, tha's easy when you have no income."
ELAINE,"Hi,",JERRY,Hi
ELAINE,What's so funny,JERRY,Kramer dating your room mate. It's funny.
ELAINE,What are you doing? What is all this?,JERRY,"Oh he's uh, helping me sort my receipts. I'm being audited."
ELAINE,"O, your being auditted? What for?",JERRY,"Oh, I contributed money to a charity that turned out to be fraudulent. It's very boring."
ELAINE,When was this?,JERRY,"Uh, Along long time ago, in a galaxy far far away."
ELAINE,I remember you donated to some volcano thing on our first date.,JERRY,Volcano? Really?
ELAINE,"Oh, wait a minute. Don't tell me that that was ...",JERRY,Something to drink?
ELAINE,"What did you think, that would impress me?",JERRY,You got it ALL wrong. I was thinking only of the poor Krakatoans
ELAINE,Like you this donation for 50 bucks and I'd start tearing my clothes off?,JERRY,Those brave Krakatoans East of Java. who sacrifice so much for so long.
ELAINE,Now you're being audited because of it. You see That's Karma.,JERRY,"No, that's Krama."
ELAINE,"So, waddya' going to do?",JERRY,It's all taken care of.
KRAMER,(chuckles),JERRY,"An old friend of mine, whom you may have met, George Costanza, has recently become intimate with a female accountant who was formally a highly placed official with an outfit known as the IRS. And as we speak, at this very moment he is handing over to her all of my pertinent tax information. And she has assured us that the matter is well within her field of expertise."
ELAINE,Why is she doing this?,JERRY,I don't know. It must be love.
GEORGE,"Oh, please ... ... four dollars is f...",JERRY,... if this audit had happened to me and I didn't have this woman to help me I would have killed this man. I would have strangled the life out of him with my bare hands
ELAINE,I don't blame ya',JERRY,Have you ever been through an audit?
ELAINE,No.,JERRY,"It's hell. It's the financial equivalent of a complete rectal examination. I would have killed this man. Torn him limb from limb, ripped the flesh right off his bones ..."
GEORGE,George,JERRY,"Come up - Ah, there he is, the man himself, George Louis Costanza. Here I am about to go to the electric chair and my oldest friend is dating the governor"
GEORGE,"My whole life has been a complete waste of time, (chuckle)",JERRY,And there's so much more to go.
GEORGE,Now I know what I am supposed to do. It's so simple. Tell the truth That's all. Just tell the truth,JERRY,So what happened? You gave her my tax papers? ... My papers?
GEORGE,"Oh, oh, your papers",JERRY,What happened you didn't give her the papers?
GEORGE,No. I did.,JERRY,SO?
GEORGE,...I broke up with her.,JERRY,You what?
GEORGE,I broke up with her.,JERRY,I'm being audited! And you broke up with her?
GEORGE,It's OK. It's fine. She'll do it. I'm sure she'll still do it.,JERRY,Why will she still do it? She hates you now. People don't do you favors after you dump them.
GEORGE,"Oh, no. We left on good terms.",JERRY,How is that possible?
GEORGE,"Because I uh, I told her the truth.",JERRY,"Oh, my God."
GEORGE,It's OK.,JERRY,It's unheard of ...
GEORGE,She asked me to.,JERRY,So you lie! What did you tell her?
GEORGE,I told her that she was pretentious.,JERRY,Pretentious!? The woman has my tax papers. You told her she was pretentious? The IRS. They're like the MAFIA. They can take anything they want
ELAINE,"HUH, so should you.",JERRY,"OK, wait a second, wait a second, what happened to my papers?"
GEORGE,When I was working I spent baby.,JERRY,"Yeah, I know champagne, limos, cigars. WHAT happened to the papers?"
ELAINE,Pocketbook or a handbag?,JERRY,Is that relevant? She TOOK them. Call her office.
GEORGE,"Give me the phone. (dials) Yea, Hi I would like to speak to Patrice. ... what? ... oh really? ... oh, ok, thank you, ... (hangs up)",JERRY,What? What?
GEORGE,She never came back from lunch.,JERRY,This is no good. This is no good. Call her house.
GEORGE,"(dials) Hi, are you OK? no, no,.. huh, (hangs up) She hung up.",JERRY,Not good.
GEORGE,All right. There's nothing to be worried about. She's just a little annoyed right now. Tomorrow I'll personally go over there. I'll apologize. I'll get the papers. Don't worry. Don't worry. (exits),JERRY,Not good
KRAMER,"Yeah, it's a windshield.",JERRY,I can see that. What's it for?
KRAMER,I found it on the road.,JERRY,Yeah (to buzzer)
ELAINE,(from intercom) I just finished working out are you busy?,JERRY,Come on up.
KRAMER,Can you believe somebody threw this out? You know I'm going to make a coffee table out of this and surprise Tina.,JERRY,"wouldn't it be invisible? I mean, what, are you going to just sense it's in front of the couch?"
KRAMER,hell-oo,JERRY,What's with you two?
ELAINE,You haven't told him?,JERRY,Tell me what?
KRAMER,I thought it was a closet.,JERRY,Completely naked?
ELAINE,No! Jerry! Jerry!,JERRY,"OK, just a second lets not lose our heads here. Kramer you know you are always welcome in my home but as far as Mr. Johnson is concerned, that's another story."
ELAINE,"Ah, I'm going to kill myself on that thiing. You can't even see it.",JERRY,You'll sense it.
GEORGE,"No, no she wasn't.",JERRY,You didn't get my papers?
GEORGE,"No, I didn't.",JERRY,"Well, where is she?"
GEORGE,A mental institution.,JERRY,"Why is it so difficult, uncomfortable, to be naked. It's because when you have clothes on you can always kinda make those little adjustments which people like to do ... you feel like you're getting it together, yeah, yeah pretty good (pulling at lapels, pockets etc.) feeling good looking good But when you're naked it's like it's so final you're, Well that's it. (no movements) There's nothing else I can do. That's why I like to wear a belt when I'm naked. Cause I feel it gives me something, I know I'm naked, but you know, (tugging and lifting belt) I like to get pockets to hang off of the belt that would be, wouldn't that be the ultimate? To be naked and still be able to do this (hand in pocket) I think that would really help a lot."
KRAMER,"My friend Bob Sacamano had shock treatments. But his synapses were so large, it had no effect.",JERRY,You know I hate to raise a crass financial concern but was there any information as to the where abouts of my PAPERS!
GEORGE,She put them in her pocket book. She probably took them out there with her.,JERRY,So what now?
GEORGE,I don't know.,JERRY,Can we go out there?
GEORGE,Where?,JERRY,Woodhaven.
GEORGE,I'm very nervous about this. I've never spoken to a mental patient before.,JERRY,"My cousin Douglas was in a place like this one time . He came over to my house for dinner. There was no soda and he went bezerk. He was screamin' ""where's the Pepsi, where's the Pepsi?"""
GEORGE,I should be in a place like this. I envy this woman. Ya' get to wear slippers all day. Friends visit. They pity you. Pity is very underrated. I like it it's good. Plus they give you those word association tests. I love those.,JERRY,That'd be great. There's no wrong answer.
GEORGE,Potato,JERRY,Tuberculosis
GEORGE,Blanket,JERRY,Leroy
GEORGE,Grass,JERRY,Tuberculosis
PATRICE,Why are you talking like that? And what do YOU want?,JERRY,"Want, want? What could I possibly want? Uh, I just came because I, I heard so many nice things about you from George."
GEORGE,"Uh, we're cool. Everything's cool (to security attendent)",JERRY,Just chatting. Friendly.
GEORGE,What I said? I say stupid things all the time I can't go two minutes without saying stupid things.,JERRY,"It's one stupid thing after another. So let me ask you, when you come to one of these places, what do you bring your pocketbook?"
GEORGE,Of course I mean that. I am incapable of guile.,JERRY,"He's never guiled. You know some women keep a lot of important papers in their, uh, pocket books. Like for example oh, someone else's personal financial papers."
PATRICE,"Papers? Oh, Jerry, You're the Jerome with the tax problem. You know after that day with George I got so cuckoo I threw out all your papers. So I'd love to help you but I'll need the copies.",JERRY,there are no copies.
PATRICE,So are you saying you want to continue seeing me?,JERRY,Who makes copies?
KRAMER,"No, lets go to the couch...",JERRY,"(on phone)Yes, I'm trying to get a copy of a receipt for a computer that I bought there.... it was 1987 ... I remember I talked to a guy - he had like a maroon sport jacket - and he might have had a toupee - oh, it was a weave - ok uh, then I'll come bye ok, bye."
ELAINE,I can't. I have to go visit Tina in the hospital.,JERRY,George?
KRAMER,"All right, great, great uh, we'll share a cab.",JERRY,You're going by 48th St. You can give me a ride.
GEORGE,You're going that way anyway!,JERRY,"I was audited last year. At first I thought well, IRS kinda sounds like Toys R Us maybe won't be so bad. Maybe they have a sense of fun about it, you know. But it's it's bad. It's an ordeal. And they don't do anything to keep your spirits up through the ordeal. I think they should take all your receipts and put them in one of those big Lucite sweepstake drums and just kinda crank it around there. You know give me a feeling like you might win something. You know what I mean? Then they can pull them out one by one and go ""Oh, I'm sorry that's another illegal deduction. But we do have some lovely parting gifts for you. Jail!"""
[Setting,Night club],JERRY,"I have never seen an old person in a new bathing suit in my life. I don't know where they get their bathing suits, but my father has bathing suits from other centuries. My parents live in Florida, and if you go down there and you forget your bathing suits then they want you to wear one of theirs. You know how that gets? ""You need trunks son? I've got trunks for you. You can wear my trunks."" Fathers don't wear bathing suits, they wear trunks. It's kind of the same thing a tree would wear if it went swimming. So I get in the water with in thing and it's like floating around me somewhere. Did you ever put on a bathing suit that you don't even know exactly where you are inside the bathing suit? You bump into somebody you know ""No I'm parasailing, I'm waiting for the boat to come back."""
ELAINE,Hi Mr. Seinfeld! (hug),JERRY,"Hey, there's the old man! (hug)"
MORTY,"So, what took you so long?",JERRY,"Ahh, we waited 35 minutes in the rent-a-car place."
HELEN,I don't know why you had to rent a car. We would have picked you up.,JERRY,What's the difference?
HELEN,You could have used our car.,JERRY,I don't wanna use your car.
HELEN,What's wrong with our car?,JERRY,Nothing. It's a fine car. What if you wanna use it?
HELEN,"If you were using it, we wouldn't use it.",JERRY,So what would you do? You'd hitch?
HELEN,How much is a rent-a-car?,JERRY,I don't know. 25 bucks a day.
MORTY,Plus the insurance.,JERRY,"Oh, I didn't get the insurance."
HELEN,We'll pay for the car.,JERRY,You're not paying for it.
HELEN,Morty. (asking him to back her. He doesn't),JERRY,God it's so hot in here. Why don't you put on the air conditioning?
HELEN,"You don't need the air conditioner. So, you have your speech all ready?",JERRY,It's not a speech. Do I have to make a speech?
HELEN,"Of course, they're giving a testimonial for your father. You could do your comic routines.",JERRY,"(ironically) Oh yeah, that will go over real well with that crowd."
ELAINE,"(looking by the window) Ooh, you have a lake?",JERRY,The lake isn't real.
HELEN,Where are you going with those?,JERRY,I'm gonna put Elaine's stuff in here.
HELEN,We don't even sleep.,JERRY,Ma.
HELEN,"But this is sofa bed, you'll be uncomfortable.",JERRY,(to Morty) What about you?
MORTY,Why should I be comfortable?,JERRY,(to Helen) What about him?
HELEN,"Jerry, (asking Jerry to go in the kitchen so Elaine won't hear) Jerry. You don't have to stay on the couch on my account. The two of you could stay in there together.",JERRY,"Na, that's not such a good idea."
HELEN,Well I tought that...,JERRY,Not now. She's right inside.
HELEN,(quieter) What happened?,JERRY,I don't know. We decided we don't really work as a couple.
HELEN,What does that mean?,JERRY,Well...
MORTY,(comes to the kitchen and with a loud voice) Why are you whispering?,JERRY,"Shh! Nothing, nothing."
MORTY,(still loud) What about her?,JERRY,"(tries to explain to Morty but Elaine then comes out of the guest room to get more luggage, so he fakes a conversation) ...but you know, look at the sun-dried tomatoes. Where were they five years ago? It just goes to show you. You never know what... huh (waiting for Elaine to go back in the guest room) you know... huh... What could happen to a vegetable. It could just take right off at any time. (Morty finally gets it. So Jerry goes on quieter) We've tried all kind of arrangements, but we can't seem to be friends when we sleep together."
MORTY,What the hell are you looking for?,JERRY,I'm looking. That's the point. I like looking.
HELEN,But how long can you look?,JERRY,I'm going for the record.
HELEN,You know your father wouldn't say so but he's really glad you came.,JERRY,"Oh, come on."
MORTY,(to Jerry) You remember Jack and Doris?,JERRY,Nice to see you. This is Elaine.
HELEN,Scuba diving? Who's going scuba diving?,JERRY,We're going scuba diving. We'll be back in time.
HELEN,What do you have to go scuba diving for?,JERRY,For fun.
JACK,"So Jerry, your mother told me you're gonna do one your little comedy skits tomorrow?",JERRY,I don't think so.
JACK,"See? You know your father. He can't get a write to the penny, but that's why he was such a good president.",JERRY,What kind of pen is that?
JACK,This pen?,JERRY,Yeah.
JACK,This is an astronaut pen. It writes upside down. They use this in space.,JERRY,Wow! That's the astronaut pen. I heard about that. Where did you get it?
JACK,Oh it was a gift.,JERRY,Cause sometimes I write in bed and I have to turn and lean on my elbow to make the pen work.
JACK,Take the pen.,JERRY,Oh no.
JACK,Go ahead.,JERRY,I couldn't
JACK,"Come on, take the pen!",JERRY,I can't take it.
JACK,Do me a personal favor!,JERRY,"No, I'm not..."
JACK,Take the pen!,JERRY,I cannot take it!
JACK,Take the pen!,JERRY,Are you sure?
JACK,Positive! Take the pen!,JERRY,"O.K. Thank you very much. Thank you. Gee, boy!"
ELAINE,"Mmm, nice to meet you.",JERRY,Thanks again.
HELEN,(as soon as the door's closed) What did you take his pen for?,JERRY,What he gave it to me.
MORTY,Oh my God! She's gotta make a big deal out of everything.,JERRY,He offered it to me.
HELEN,Because you made such a big fuss about it.,JERRY,I liked it. Should I have said I didn't like it?
HELEN,You shouldn't have said anything. What did you expect him to do? (the camera shows Elaine shaking her head at their dispute),JERRY,"He could have said ""Thank you, I like it too"" and put it back in his pocket."
HELEN,"He talks about it all the time. Every time he takes it out he goes on and on about how it writes upside down, how the astronauts use it.",JERRY,"If he likes it so much, he never should have offered it."
HELEN,He didn't think you'd accpet.,JERRY,"Well, he was wrong."
HELEN,I know his wife. She has some mouth on her. She'll tell everyone in the condo now that you made him give you the pen. They're talking about it right now. (again we see Elaine smiling at their argument),JERRY,So you want me to return it?
MORTY,He's not gonna return the pen. That's ridiculous.,JERRY,Hey I don't even want the pen now!
ELAINE,Come in.,JERRY,Are you O.K. in here?
ELAINE,Why is it so hot in here? How can they sleep like this?,JERRY,"It's only for three days. Today's over and we have tommorow. We leave on Sunday. It's one day, really."
ELAINE,Oh man. What is with this bar? It's right in my back. It's killing me.,JERRY,Oh you wanna switch? I'm sleeping on a love seat. I've got my feet up in the air like I'm in a space capsule.
ELAINE,I am never gonna fall asleep.,JERRY,"Oh, no don't say that. You'll jinx me."
ELAINE,How can they not put the air conditioning on?,JERRY,They're nuts with temperature.
ELAINE,This bar is right in my back! It's making a dent.,JERRY,How about that guy writing a check for 19.45?
ELAINE,"I'm sweating here. I'm in bed, sweating.",JERRY,"It's one day. Half a day, really. I mean you substract showers and meals, it's like twenty minutes. It will go by like that. (snapping his fingers)"
MORTY,"Stay on 95 South to Biscayne Boulevard. Then you make a left turn. Put you blinker on immediatly, there's an abutment there. Then you're gonna merge over very quickly, but stay on Biscayne. Don't get off Biscayne. You understand me?",JERRY,Stay on Biscayne.
HELEN,You're going underwater?,JERRY,Yes. Generally that's where scuba diving is done.
HELEN,What do you have to go underwater for? What's down there that's so special?,JERRY,What's so special up here?
HELEN,(to Jerry) I told you to let us sleep in there.,JERRY,Then YOU would be hunched over.
ELAINE,I don't even know if I can go scuba diving.,JERRY,You can't go?
ELAINE,You can go.,JERRY,Without you? That's the whole reason you came down here.
HELEN,Don't go.,JERRY,You sure?
MORTY,Maybe you should see a doctor.,JERRY,We'll stay in a hotel tonight.
HELEN,"No, we'll stay in there.",JERRY,Why don't you get a new sofa?
MORTY,Nobody uses it.,JERRY,I'm buying you a new sofa.
EVELYN,Is everybody up?,JERRY,Hi. How are you?
EVELYN,Hello Jerry.,JERRY,"Evelyn, this is Elaine."
EVELYN,Jerry you got thin.,JERRY,Too thin?
EVELYN,So where's the new pen? (everybody's surprised by this question),JERRY,(Jerry scratches his head and acts like he's not sure what she's talking about) What?
EVELYN,I don't know. She said Jerry wanted the pen.,JERRY,I never really wanted the pen.
EVELYN,Why you don't like the pen?,JERRY,"No, no, I..."
MORTY,(Morty gets up) Oh! I forgot all about it.,JERRY,"All I said was ""I like the pen""."
HELEN,No.,JERRY,Don't be alarmed.
MORTY,Oh my God! What the hell happened to you?,JERRY,I'm O.K. My capillaries burst.
HELEN,Your capillaries? Do you know what you look like?,JERRY,(to Elaine on the floor) How are you doing?
ELAINE,Having a good time!,JERRY,Is it my imagination or is it freezing in here?
HELEN,What happened to your eyes?,JERRY,Well I started to go under...
HELEN,With the instructor?,JERRY,"Yeah, and I got about ten feet down and I felt this tremendous pressure on my mask. Like my eyeballs were being sucked out of their sockets."
JACK,(to Jerry) What happened to you?,JERRY,I got in a fist fight with one of the ladies at the pool.
(Helen turns to Jerry and makes a face like,give him back the pen),JERRY,"Listen M. Klompus, it was really a nice gesture of you to give me the pen, but I don't really need it."
JACK,You what?,JERRY,"I mean it's a terrific pen, but I think you should keep it. (he hands the pen to Jack)"
JACK,Well I mean...,JERRY,Take it.
MORTY,Aah! (Jack leaves) The nerve of that guy! Taking back that pen. Well that's it for them.,JERRY,What is going on in this community! Are you people aware of what's happening? What is driving you to this behavior? Is it the humudity? Is it the Muzak? Is it the white shoes?
HELEN,I have no use for either one of them. I don't even want them there tonight. (she still has the pocketbook in her hands),JERRY,Isn't he supposed to be the emcee?
MORTY,"yeah, he's supposed to be the emcee.",JERRY,Well. This should be a very interesting evening.
ELAINE,Say what? (laughing) Say what?,JERRY,(Jerry brings her back) You took too many of those pills.
MORTY,Good. O.K. (the photographer walks away) What about last year when I took him to the hospital every day? Did he ever say thank you?,JERRY,Oh God. (foreseeing an arm's grabbing as he sees Uncle Leo entering with his wife Stella)
LEO,(to Jerry while he's grabbing his arm as usual) What's with the sunglasses? Who are you? Van Johnson?,JERRY,I've got a black eye.
STELLA,(to Elaine in a childish voice) Hello.,JERRY,"Oh uh, Elaine, this is my aunt Stella."
HELEN,(shouting as she imitates Marlon Brando) STELLA! STELLA!,JERRY,(to Stella) Her back hurts.
LEO,I thought Johnny was very rude to you. He didn't even let you talk.,JERRY,"No, no."
MORTY,(loud) Tell them when you took my son's pen back. Tell them about that! (he gets up),JERRY,Dad!
HELEN,"Jerry, do your act.",JERRY,"(in the microphone, but to Helen) I can't. Nobody's even listening."
HELEN,They're all gonna leave.,JERRY,(to himself) Oh God! (in the microphone) huh... Hey! How you folks doing tonight? (everybody in the crowd is talking over Jerry)
MAN IN THE CROWD,Who are you?,JERRY,(still with his sunglasses) Have you ever noticed how they always give you the peanuts on the planes?
WOMAN IN THE CROWD,(to heckle Jerry) Not my Harry. He flies first class.,JERRY,Who ever thought the first thing somebody wants on a plane is a peanut?
HELEN,(to Jerry) Do the dog routine.,JERRY,All I said was I liked the pen!
ELAINE,Five days? You want me to stay here for five more days?,JERRY,There must be some mistake.
HELEN,"(to Jerry, happily) So we have you for five more days!",JERRY,(to Elaine) Well there's really no point in me staying. I mean you just gonna be...
ELAINE,Excuse me?,JERRY,Nothing.
EVELYN,Good morning.,JERRY,Hi Evelyn.
ELAINE,(to Jerry) Five more days?,JERRY,Well today's almost over. And weekdays always go by fast. Friday we're leaving. It's like two days really. It's like a cup of coffee. It will go by like that. (snapping his fingers)
[setting,"night club, closing monologue]",JERRY,"Is Florida not hot and muggy enough for these people? They love heat. I mean if they ever decide to land men on the sun, I think these old retired guys would be the only ones that will be able to handle it. They'll just sit there on the sun, on the redwood benches, washcloth on the head going ""Close the door, you're letting all the heat off the sun. I'm trying to get a sweat going."""
GAVIN,"Travelling, of course, is the best education. Do you know last year I was in over forty, forty-five countries, and I would have gone to more but I had just got a puppy, and he was too young to take with me. But now I won't travel without him.",JERRY,Is he on the plane now?
GAVIN,"Oh yes. Yes, he's in the, he's in the baggage compartment. I don't know why they won't let him sit up here with me. He's a lot better behaved than most of the dregs you find onboard here. Do you, do you have any pets?",JERRY,"Uh, just my next door neighbor."
GAVIN,You're missing out on a relationship that could enrich your life in ways that you never could have thought possible.,JERRY,"Howbout picking up their, you know. You find that enriching?"
GAVIN,Jerry?,JERRY,Huh? How you feeling?
GAVIN,Would you take care of Farfel?,JERRY,Farfel?
ATTENDANT #2,"It's his dog. We're landing in Chicago to get him to a hospital, could you take his dog to New York?",JERRY,The dog? The dog??
GAVIN,I'm sure it's only for a day or two.,JERRY,"But, you know, what if, you know?"
GAVIN,"Give me your address and phone number, I'll call you.",JERRY,The dog?
ELAINE,If only.,JERRY,"Look at this place. He's going everywhere, I can't go out of the house at night. I haven't performed in three days. This'll be my first night out of the house since I got back."
ELAINE,"Hey, when you walk him, do ya...",JERRY,Do I what?
ELAINE,Do you pick it up?,JERRY,"Yes, I pick it up."
ELAINE,You pick it up?!?,JERRY,Well you have to.
ELAINE,"Oh, boy would I love to see that.",JERRY,"SHUT UP!! Shut up Farfel, stop it! (to Elaine) I don't know what to do. I mean what if I take it to the pound then the guy shows up?"
ELAINE,"Maybe you should call the airline, they might know where he is.",JERRY,"No, I tried. they don't know anything. (notices Elaine making egg creams) You gotta put the syrup in first."
ELAINE,"No, milk.",JERRY,"I'm telling you the guy's a drunk, he's probably on a bender."
ELAINE,What is a bender anyhow?,JERRY,"I don't know, they drink and they bend things at the bar."
ELAINE,I can't believe he hasn't called.,JERRY,"Two hundred seats on a plane, I gotta wind up next to Yukon Jack and his dog Cujo. Shut up! One more day and you are pound bound!"
KRAMER,"Sorry, I can't watch the dog tonight.",JERRY,Why?
KRAMER,"I can't, I gotta get this Ellen out of my life.",JERRY,You're breaking up?
ELAINE,"If you could see her personality it would be like one of the Elephant Man exhibits, you know where they pull off the sheet and everyone gasps.",JERRY,I can't believe someone hasn't killed her yet.
KRAMER,How come you never said anything?,JERRY,Well you can't tell someone how you feel about their girlfriend until after they stop seeing them.
KRAMER,I tell you.,JERRY,You. I'm talking about people.
ELAINE,Are we still going to the movies tonight?,JERRY,"No, I can't I gotta watch Farfel, you and George can go without me."
ELAINE,Just me and George?,JERRY,Sure.
ELAINE,But we need you.,JERRY,What do you need me for?
ELAINE,"Because I relate to George through you, we're like friends-in-law. Besides, you said we were gonna see Prognosis Negative together. Can't you just put some newspapers down or something?",JERRY,"No, I can't trust him, he gets insane. I won't enjoy myself. That's right, Farfel, I'm talking about you!"
GEORGE,"Let's go, people, let's go! It's Prognosis Negative time, wa ha ha ha!!!",JERRY,I can't go.
GEORGE,"Can't go, Why not?",JERRY,Because I have to watch idiot Farfel.
GEORGE,I thought Kramer was watching.,JERRY,He's breaking up with his girlfriend tonight.
GEORGE,"Well so what's the problem, you just put some newspaper down.",JERRY,"No, I don't want that smell in the house."
GEORGE,You spritz a little Lysol on it.,JERRY,"No, it's like BO and cologne, they combine forces into some kind of strange mutant funk."
GEORGE,So we're not going?,JERRY,Nah. You two go.
ELAINE,"It,s, it's up to you.",JERRY,Go ahead.
GEORGE,Ponce de Leon? Okay. (to Jerry) You sure you don't wanna go?,JERRY,I want to but I can't.
ELAINE,Oh! I tell you what. How about if I come back here first and I clean everything up and I open up the windows and if you're still not satisfied we can switch apartments for the night.,JERRY,No.
GEORGE,What about this--,JERRY,"Forget it. Go ahead, you'll have a good time."
GEORGE,It's just we want you to go.,JERRY,"Well, thank you very much. I'm telling you, one more day stinkbreath!"
GEORGE (Counting on his fingers),"Eighty-six, eighty-seven, eighty-eight, eighty-nine, ninety, ninety-one... Yup.",JERRY,"Bad dog! Bad dog! You go outside! Outside!! What do you want from me? Tell me! Money, you want money? I'll give you money, how much?!"
KRAMER,"Please! Please!! I take it all back, everything! I take it all back, every word! I love you! I love *you*! I can't live without you, I,ll, I'll do anything!",JERRY,"That's right, Gavin Palone. What? Are you sure? He was released on Monday? *Last* Monday? Did he leave a phone number or address? Unbelievable. Well thank you, thanks, thanks very much. (Hangs up) That's it, Farfel! Party's over! Start packing up your little squeeze toys buddy boy, you're checking out!"
ELAINE,It was weird because George and I get along so great in so many situations but this is the first time we ever really went one-on-one.,JERRY,"Oh, one-on-one's a whole different game. Can't pass off."
ELAINE,The only time it wasn't uncomfortable was when we were making fun of you.,JERRY,"Going to the dog pound, everybody! Going to the dog pound, come on down. (To Elaine) What?"
ELAINE,Do you have to?,JERRY,What am I supposed to do? I don't want to do it. I like dogs. I'm not sure this is a dog.
ELAINE,"You know, the guy might have just lost your number.",JERRY,I'm in the book and I have a machine.
ELAINE,"Jerry, do you know what they do to dogs at the pound? They keep them there for a week and then if nobody claims them, they kill them.",JERRY,Really? How late are they open?
ELAINE,Terrific.,JERRY,"Yeah, I really think you guys are good together."
KRAMER,Do you think that I forgot what you two said about her?,JERRY,"Well I was just trying to be supportive, you know. I knew you were upset."
ELAINE,"Oh, Kramer, we didn't mean it.",JERRY,What are you doing?
ELAINE,"Kramer, we like her.",JERRY,Kramer? What did we say that's so bad?
ELAINE,I believe I referred to her personality as a potential science exhibit.,JERRY,"I said, ""How come no one's killed her?"" Probably shouldn't have said anything,"
ELAINE,Well.,JERRY,everyone knows the first break-up never takes. (answers buzzer) Yeah?
GEORGE,Prognosis Negative! (again in a funny voice),JERRY,"Okay, Farfel, put your shoes on."
ELAINE,"Jerry, can't you just give it one more day, it's not his fault.",JERRY,"It's not my dog, I don't know where this boozehound is."
ELAINE,"Alright, I tell you what. How about if you and George go to the movies, and I stay here and watch the dog tonight.",JERRY,"I can't let you do that, what about Prognosis Negative?"
GEORGE,What does this mean?,JERRY,"Well, we'll go see something else tonight. We'll see, uh, Ponce De Leon."
GEORGE,"What is with this dog, I thought we were taking it to the pound.",JERRY,"She talked me into one more day. Talk amongst yourselves, I'm gonna go to the bathroom."
GEORGE,"Uh Jerry, how long will you be in there?",JERRY,"I don't know, regular human time?"
GEORGE,Uh why don't you wait then go in the movies?,JERRY,Why shouldn't I go here?
ELAINE,Yeah.,JERRY,"Oh yeah, urinals are fun. Can I go?!"
GEORGE,I have nothing to say to anybody. I'm so uninteresting. I think I'm out of conversation.,JERRY,So what are calling me six times a day?
GEORGE,"All I know about is sports. That's it. No matter how depressed I get, I could always read the sports section.",JERRY,I could read the sports section if my hair was on fire.
GEORGE,Know what? Ponce De Leon is sold out.,JERRY,"It is? Oh yeah, you're right. What else is playing?"
GEORGE,Nothing except Prognosis Negative.,JERRY,"Boy, I know she really wants to see that with me."
GEORGE,"I mean, I could understand if there was something else playing, but it's this or nothing.",JERRY,I don't know what to do.
GEORGE,"What is this 'saving movies' thing? Something's playing, you go.",JERRY,"I know, I know."
GEORGE,"So, what? We're gonna do nothing now, this is crazy.",JERRY,It is kind of silly.
GEORGE,Of course it is.,JERRY,"I mean, it's just a movie, for god's sake."
GEORGE,Exactly.,JERRY,It's not like she's *in* the movie.
GEORGE,Right.,JERRY,"Am I supposed to ruin the whole night because she wants to see it? I mean, if I could have seen it with her, fine. But I can't control all these circumstances and schedules and peoples' availabilities at movies."
GEORGE,"And she'll still see it, you're not stopping her from seeing it.",JERRY,"How does sitting next to a person in a movie theater increase the level of enjoyment? You can't talk during a movie. You know, this is stupid, c'mon, let's just go."
GEORGE,Good.,JERRY,Saving movies.
GEORGE,Ridiculous!,JERRY,Two for Prognosis Negative. I'm in big trouble.
GAVIN,"Bell's Palsy. The entire side of my, of, of my face was paralyzed. Farfel! I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't even feed myself, I was completely incapacitated. Quiet Farfel!",JERRY,"You know it's interesting, because I called the hospital and they said you were released on Monday."
ELLEN,"Kramer, are you coming?",JERRY,"Oh, hi Ellen."
ELLEN,Get in here.,JERRY,"Listen, it's really been a pleasure taking care of your dog for a week, but if you don't mind..."
GAVIN,Pre-prediction. You'll be calling me to ask if you can come and visit him before the month is out.,JERRY,Prediction. I never see you or him again for the rest of my life.
ELAINE,We made plans.,JERRY,Why don't we just rent a movie?
ELAINE,I thought you wanted to see Prognosis Negative.,JERRY,"No, it&Mac226;s, it's supposed to be really bad, *really* bad. I mean it's long, there's no story, it's so unbelievably boring, I heard. i..."
ELAINE,"Jerry, you promised me we'd go.",JERRY,"Well, George told me the whole story, line for line, I mean I almost feel like I've seen it already and walked out on it."
ELAINE,"Wait, George saw the movie? I saw him yesterday, he didn't mention it.",JERRY,You and George got together?
ELAINE,"Yeah, I wanted to talk about how we have nothing to talk about.",JERRY,Hello.
KRAMER,"Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.",JERRY,What's up?
KRAMER,"Well, ah you were right.",JERRY,About what?
"JERRY and ELAINE, together",Awwwwww.,JERRY,Too bad.
KRAMER,"Hey, what are you gonna see?",JERRY,Prognosis Negative.
KRAMER,"Hey, that's supposed to be great.",JERRY,It's not.
KRAMER,How do you know?,JERRY,I have an instinct for these things.
KRAMER,enters,JERRY,"Ya' got me I fell for it. Alright, OK I can be down there in like a half hour. Bye."
KRAMER,What's the problem?,JERRY,This you're not goin' to believe. The NYPL says that I took out Tropic of Cancer in 1971 and never returned it.
KRAMER,"Do you know how much that comes to? That's a nickel a day for 20 years. It's going to be $50,000",JERRY,It doesn't work like that.
KRAMER,"If it's a dime a day it could be $100,000",JERRY,It's not going to be anything. I returned the book. I remember it very vividly because I was with Sherry Becker. She wore this orange dress. It was the first time I ever saw her in a dress like that. In oticed since ninth grade she was developing this body in secret under these loose clothes for like two years. And then one day ...
KRAMER,"Oh, memory burn.",JERRY,I wonder what ever happened to her.
KRAMER,How did they ever find you?,JERRY,"Oh, computers, they're cracking down now on overdue books. The whole thing is completely ridiculous."
KRAMER,You know I never got a library card.,JERRY,(to speaker) Coming down.
KRAMER,"It's all a bunch of cheapskates in there anyway. People sitting around reading the newspaper attached to huge wooden sticks Trying to save a quarter, ooh,",JERRY,I gotta go to the library. You want to go?
KRAMER,"The Dewey Decimal System, what a scam that was. Boy that Dewey guy really cleaned up on that deal.",JERRY,Where's George
KRAMER,Tryin' to save a quarter.,JERRY,I kinda like those sticks. I'd like to get them in my house.
KRAMER,Look at her. This is a lonely woman looking for companionship.. ... Spinster. ... Maybe a virgin. ... Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She was a schoolgirl. There was a boy It didn't work out. Now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. She needs a little Kramer.,JERRY,Eventually a little shot of penicillin
LIBRARIAN,Yes?,JERRY,Yeah I called before. I got his notice in the mail.
LIBRARIAN,Lt. Bookman has been working here for 25 years so I think he's heard all the jokes.,JERRY,Can I speak with this Bookman?
GEORGE,"Jerry, Jerry",JERRY,What?
GEORGE,I think I saw him. I think it's him.,JERRY,Who?
GEORGE,Did you see the homeless guy on the library steps screaming obsenities and doing some calesthetics routine,JERRY,Yeah.
READER,Shhh.,JERRY,"(whispers) Haymen, Are you sure?"
GEORGE,"He's older, completely covered in filth, no whistle, but I think it's him.",JERRY,George got him fired. He squealed on him.
KRAMER,Y'know I never figured you for a squealer.,JERRY,"Oh, he sang like a canary."
LIBRARIAN,Mr. Bookman's not here.,JERRY,Not here? Why was I told to come down here?
KRAMER,He's out on a case? He actually goes out on cases?,JERRY,Well what am I supposed to do now?
LIBRARIAN,I'll have Mr. Bookman get in touch with you.,JERRY,All right Thanks. Come on lets go
ELAINE,I'm tellin' ya' somethin' is goin' on. He never likes anything I recommend. And then that lunch thing.,JERRY,So they forgot to get your lunch. Big deal!
GEORGE,"He purposely mispronounced my name. Instead of saying, ""Costanza"" He'd say, ""Can't stand ja"". ""Can't stand ja"" ... He made me smell my own gym socks once.",JERRY,"I remember he made you wear a jock on your head for a whole class. And the straps were hangin' down by his ,..."
GEORGE,"OK, OK, I never even had him for gym.",JERRY,I had him for Hygene. Remember his teeth. It was like from an exhumed corpse.
GEORGE,Little baked beans,JERRY,Echh
GEORGE,He gave me a wedgie.,JERRY,He got fired the next day.
GEORGE,Because the underwear is pulled up from the back and ... it wedges in..,JERRY,They also have an atomic wedgie. Now the goal there is to actually get the waistband on top of the head. Very rare.
ELAINE,Boys are sick.,JERRY,Well what do girls do ?
KRAMER,"Hey Babaloo, you better get home. You know this guy Bookman from the library he's waiting for ya.",JERRY,"What's amazing to me about the library is it's a place where you go in you can take out any book you whant they just give it to you and say bring it back when you're done. It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everbody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That's what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend. And that's why everybody kinds of bullies the library. I'll bring it back on time ... I'll bring it back late. ... Oh, what are you going to do? Charge me a nickel?"
BOOKMAN,You got any coffee?,JERRY,Coffee?
BOOKMAN,Yeah. Coffee.,JERRY,"No, I don't drink coffee."
BOOKMAN,"Yeah, you don't drink coffee? How about instant coffee?",JERRY,"No, I don't have--"
BOOKMAN,You don't have any instant coffee?,JERRY,"Well, I don't normally--"
BOOKMAN,Who doesn't have instant coffee?,JERRY,I don't.
BOOKMAN,"You buy a jar of Folger's Crystals, you put it in the cupboard, you forget about it. Then later on when you need it, it's there. It lasts forever. It's freeze-dried. Freeze-dried Crystals.",JERRY,Really? I'll have to remember that.
BOOKMAN,You took this book out in 1971.,JERRY,"Yes, and I returned it in 1971."
BOOKMAN,"Yeah, '71. That was my first year on the job. Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abby Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella.",JERRY,"Look, Mr. Bookman. I--I returned that book. I remember it very specifically."
BOOKMAN,"You're a comedian, you make people laugh.",JERRY,I try.
BOOKMAN,"You think this is all a big joke, don't you?",JERRY,"No, I don't."
BOOKMAN,"I saw you on T.V. once; I remembered your name--from my list. I looked it up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're a celebrity that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above the law?",JERRY,Certainly not.
MARION,I can't.,JERRY,"No way I'm payin' that! I returned that book in 1971. I have a witness Sherry Becker. She wore an orange dress. She gave me a piece of black jack gum. It's a licorice gum. What do ya' think of next I remember it. (thinks out loud, opens phone book) Becker, ... Becker, ..."
SHERRY,"Kevin went to a public school, he's the 14 year old? We were gonna' send Marsha to a private school. Cause in some way they don't learn ... enough ... I think.",JERRY,"So Sherry, what do you remember about that day at the library?"
SHERRY,I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a Friday afternoon. I wore a purple dress.,JERRY,Purple? Ya' sure it wasn't orange?
SHERRY,Positive. And I was chewin' Dentyne. I always chewed dentyne. Remember Jerry? Dentyne?,JERRY,No Black Jack?
SHERRY,"Uch! Licorice gum? Never! We were ah, reading pasages to each other from that Henry Miller book,",JERRY,Tropic of Cancer.
SHERRY,"No, Tropic of Capricorn",JERRY,Tropic of Capricorn?
SHERRY,"Rememba? What holds the world togetha' ... ""As I have learned from bitter experience is sexual intercourse .""",JERRY,Wait a second. Wait a second. You're right. I had both of them.
GEORGE,"Jerry, it's me, George, don't worry, I'll return it",JERRY,"Ok, I'll see you after school. I.m late for Hayman's hygiene."
SHERRY,Where ya' going?,JERRY,It was nice seeing you again. I just remembered something. I've got to go. (to old man that enters) It was GEORGE!
ELAINE,Lippman want's to see me in his office SEE ME! That can't be good,JERRY,Maybe you're getting' a raise.
ELAINE,George is on his way up.,JERRY,Wait 'til I tell him about the book.
ELAINE,Remember that biography I recommended? MY BOSS HATED IT,JERRY,I'm right here.
ELAINE,Remember that Columbus book?,JERRY,"Columbus, Euro trash."
GEORGE,"Oh, I found him. He was sitting on the steps of the library. I sat down next to him. He smelled like the locker room after that game against Erasmus",JERRY,That was double overtime.
GEORGE,It was.,JERRY,"So Georgie Boy, guess what happened to TROPIC OF CANCER"
GEORGE,How should I know?,JERRY,Because I gave it to you.
GEORGE,Me?,JERRY,"Yeah, think. Don't you remember you kept begging me to see it then finally I agreed. You were supposed to return it. I met you in the gym locker room."
GEORGE,The locker room!,JERRY,Here's the book. Don't let anybody see it. Don't let anything happen to it.
GEORGE,"Jerry, it's me, George, don't worry, I'll return it tomorrow, no problem.",JERRY,"All right, I'll see you after school. I,,m late for Hayman's hygiene."
GEORGE,(shouting) No No No!,JERRY,"Anyway, I hope there's no hard feelings."
BOOKMAN,Hard feelings? What do you know about hard feelings? Y'ever have a man die in your arms? Y'ever kill somebody?,JERRY,What is your problem?
BOOKMAN,"What's my problem? Punks like you, that's my problem. And you better not screw up again Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over you like a pitbull on a poodle.",JERRY,(after Bookman exits) That is one tough monkey! (turns to Elaine) So you were saying?
ELAINE,"Oh? So, I took your suggestion and I gave my boss Marion's poems. The ones that affected Kramer so much.",JERRY,"Oh, beautiful did he like them?"
ELAINE,"No, ... he didn't! No, ... he didn't!",JERRY,(to George) Was he out there?
GEORGE,"Na, he's gone. I wonder what happened to him.",JERRY,I guess we'll never know.
HEYMAN,"Can't stand ya, (laughing) Can't stand ya. (pan to TROPIC OF CANCER on ground)",JERRY,"Any day that you had gym it was a weird school day, you know what I mean because it kind of like started of kind of normal. You have like English, Geometry, Social Studies and then suddenly you're like in Lord of The Flies for 40 minutes you know you're hangin' from a rope. You have hardly any clothes on. Teachers are yellin' at ya' ""Where's your jock strap?"" Ya' know and kids are throwin' dodge balls at you. You're tryin' to survive ... Then its History, Science, Language. There's something off in the entire flow of that day."
ELAINE,"Hey, I didn't get one either.",JERRY,Why do I always have the feeling that everybody's doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?
ELAINE,This is what people do.,JERRY,No they don't. They're out on some big picnic. They're cooking burgers. They're making out on blankets. They're not at some mall in Jersey watching their friends trying to find the world's cheapest air-conditioner.
GEORGE,Well at least you accomplished something. You got fish.,JERRY,Big accomplishment.
GEORGE,What time is it?,JERRY,Five o'clock.
GEORGE,Always late. Always late.,JERRY,You're not late.
GEORGE,My parents. It's their anniversary. I'm taking them out to dinner and a show tonight. You think we'll hit traffic?,JERRY,Of course we'll hit traffic. It's rush hour.
ELAINE,Isn't it going the other way?,JERRY,There is no other way in New York. Everybody goes every way all the time.
ELAINE,But it's Saturday.,JERRY,You got the picnic and burger traffic.
ELAINE,What's the matter?,JERRY,I have to go to the bathroom. Why do they hide the bathroom in these malls?
KRAMER,"No, no, I got it.",JERRY,"(TO GEORGE, REWOMAN) What do you think, Georgie boy?"
KRAMER,Blue-one. I thought it was blue-one.,JERRY,I thought it was green. I remember seeing green.
GEORGE,There's elevators all over! It all looks the same.,JERRY,It's over there. I know where it is.
GEORGE,"(MUMBLING) You come to a parking lot, you write it down. How hard is that?",JERRY,"There it is!...No, no that's a Toyota."
KRAMER,Didn't we come in over there?,JERRY,I thought it was over there.
GEORGE,"It's this way... AND THEY TAKE OFF AGAIN, PAIRING OFF",JERRY,I really have to go to the bathroom.
KRAMER,(CONT'D) Why? Nobody's around.,JERRY,I'll wait.
KRAMER,You know when you hold it in like that you can cause a lot of damage to your bladder. That's what happens to truck drivers. They hold it in all the time. Eventually it starts coming out involuntarily.,JERRY,Alright.
KRAMER,"Jerry, are you aware that adult diapers are a six hundred million dollar a year industry?",JERRY,Maybe I should just go anytime I get the urge like you...wherever I am. There's too much urinary freedom in this society. I'm proud to hold it in. It builds character.
ELAINE,Those school zones are a killer.,JERRY,"(TO KRAMER, REBOX) Will you let me help you with that?"
KRAMER,I'm gonna put it down behind that car.,JERRY,You're not worried somebody's gonna pee on it?
GEORGE,"I can tell you this. If I am not in front of my house at six-fifteen, when my parents get there, they will put me on an aggravation installment plan that will compound with interest for decades.",JERRY,"Parents never forget a foul-up. I once left a jacket on the bus when I was fourteen. Last week I'm flying to Chicago to do a show, ""Make sure you hang on to your jacket."""
ELAINE,Why are they using so many colors? And the numbers go up to forty.,JERRY,Maybe it's not on this level.
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,There are four different levels. Maybe we're on the wrong level. How long was the escalator ride up?
ELAINE,It felt like a couple of levels.,JERRY,You should always carry a pad and pen.
KRAMER,I have a pen.,JERRY,"Where was the bathroom in this mall? There are six-hundred stores, I didn't see one bathroom. What is this, like a joke? They finished building the mall and they go, ""Oh my god, we forgot the bathrooms."""
KRAMER,Oh...no.,JERRY,"All right, that's it. From now on no more calling out they found it, unless we're sitting in it. Okay?"
ELAINE,"Jerry, look at my fish.",JERRY,His eyes look a little cloudy.
GEORGE,Oh are they gonna be furious.,JERRY,Who's got the tickets? GEORGE I do. (TO KRAMER) I thought you knew this mall. You said you'd been here before!
ELAINE,My fish are dying right in front of me! We have to get someone to drive us around the parking lot to help us look for the car.,JERRY,No one's going to do that.
ELAINE,(CONT'D) Oh that's funny? Is that funny? Well tell me if you think this is funny These fish are dying! They're gasping for oxygen right now! They'll be floating in an hour. Is that funny too?,JERRY,Those are really ugly sneakers. Where did you get those?
ELAINE,"(CONT'D) Sorry to have disturbed you. Terribly sorry. But the fish will be dead. You do know that. They can't live in plastic. That's not me talking, that's science.",JERRY,It's amazing how shopping makes me have to go. All I have to do is walk into a department store and it's like some kind of horse laxative just kicked in.
KRAMER,You drank a whole bottle of water.,JERRY,I know.
KRAMER,So why don't you just go?,JERRY,No I can't.
KRAMER,Don't you get tired of following rules?,JERRY,You think I'm too cautious?
KRAMER,Why be uncomfortable if you don't have to? It's organic.,JERRY,Organic. So's Buddy Hackett.
KRAMER,Buddy Hackett?,JERRY,He's a comedian.
KRAMER,I know.,JERRY,All right. All right.
KRAMER,(pointing) You can go over here.,JERRY,I can manage.
KRAMER,It'll take you ten seconds.,JERRY,"Okay, okay. I'll be right back."
SECURITY GUARD,"Okay, let's go. Come with me.",JERRY,But...
SECURITY GUARD,Come on.,JERRY,"(STARTS TO LEAVE, TO HIMSELF) ...Kramer"
SECURITY GUARD,Well you're still not allowed.,JERRY,"Do you hear what I'm saying to you?! I'm telling you that if I don't go, I could die. Die. Is it worth dying for?"
SECURITY GUARD,That's up to you.,JERRY,So you don't care if I die.
SECURITY GUARD,What I care about is the sanitary condition of the parking facility.,JERRY,It was life and death.
SECURITY GUARD,Uh huh.,JERRY,Oh I'm lying. Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law.
SECURITY GUARD,I don't know.,JERRY,"Because I could get Uromysitisis poisoning and die. That's why!...Do you think I enjoy living like this?...the shame, the humiliation...You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning."
GEORGE,"Yeah, yeah. I've heard that. Meanwhile I'm here with you in a parking garage, what am I supposed to do?",JERRY,First of all you don't even know technically that I went. That's for starters. I mean I could've been pouring a bottle of water out there. You don't know.
SECURITY GUARD,I know what you did.,JERRY,"Oh really, do you? Well it just so happens that I did pour water out. I had a bottle of very tepid water and I poured it out. And I could see how you made a mistake, because pouring water out sounds very much like a person urinating."
SECURITY GUARD,Yeah I'm sure.,JERRY,You know this is not the first time this has happened to me. I always carry water because of my condition. It dehydrates me. It's a vicious cycle.
MAN #,"1 No, I wouldn't.",JERRY,"(A NEW TACK) All right, all right. I want to apologize. I was frightened, I said crazy things. I obviously offended you. I insulted your intelligence. The uromysitisis, the water bottle...I made it all up, and now...I'm going to tell you the truth. Today my father and mother are celebrating their fiftieth, well I'm jumping ahead here, their forty-seventh wedding anniversary. We made arrangements to spend the evening together. They are supposed to be in front of my building at six-fifteen."
SECURITY GUARD,Oh your folks have an anniversary today too?,JERRY,(TO GEORGE) Was he also in a Red Chinese prison?
ELAINE,Jerry! (THEN SHE CHECKS HER FISH),JERRY,"Well what happened was my father was staying in the home of one of Red China's great military leaders, General Chang, who by the way came up with the recipe for General Chang's chicken. You know, the one with the red peppers and orange peel at Szechwan Gardens? GEORGE Sure, I have it all the time. Very spicy."
ELAINE,(CONT'D) Where have you been?,JERRY,I was arrested for urinating.
ELAINE,You what?,JERRY,I have uromysitisis. It's very serious you know.
ELAINE,Look at my fish... (JERRY EXAMINES IT) Is he...,JERRY,"No, but he's not looking good... (ELAINE TURNS TO TWO HUGE BODY BUILDERS IN WORKOUT WEAR)"
GEORGE,"Elaine, shut-up.",JERRY,"Hey, where's Kramer?"
ELAINE,We didn't come in over there!,JERRY,Where's Kramer?
GEORGE,So what do you want me to do?,JERRY,Ask her to drive us around. There's your opening.
GEORGE,"Yeah, right.",JERRY,Filthy pigs.
ELAINE,"Hi, I'm Elaine.",JERRY,Jerry.
ELAINE,(SHOUTING TO AMY) What about my fish?,JERRY,"Boy, those Scientologists. They can be pretty sensitive."
ELAINE,What is it? (THEY DISCOVER WHAT HE'S STARING AT) The car!,JERRY,The car!
GEORGE,"Kramer, Kramer's not here...I knew it. I knew it! I knew this would happen. (SCREAMING) Kramer! Kramer!",JERRY,Kramer!
KRAMER,Jerry?,JERRY,"Yeah, over here."
GEORGE,"She thinks I'm a nice guy. Women always think I'm nice, but women don'tnice.",JERRY,"This is amazing, I haven't seen one person go in to that restaurant since it opened. Poor guy."
GEORGE,"Why is nice bad? What kind a of sick society we are living in, when nice is bad?",JERRY,What's that smell? What are you wearing?
GEORGE,"What, a 'little' cologne.",JERRY,Manly.
GEORGE,Monica wants me to wear it.,JERRY,So why didn't you say no?
GEORGE,I'm too nice.,JERRY,Look at this poor guy. His family is probably in Pakistan -- they're waiting him to send back money. This is horrible.
GEORGE,She wants me to take an IQ test.,JERRY,That's because you're stupid enough to wear the cologne.
GEORGE,"No, she's taking this course in education for her masters. It's part of her research project, so I have to be a guinea pig.",JERRY,"I've never been a guinea pig. I've been a sheep, a tody."
GEORGE,"You know, I can't talk to you anymore.",JERRY,"All right, I'm sorry. Go ahead, you're taking the IQ test."
GEORGE,"Yeah, and she's going to find I'm a moron. You know, people think I'm smart, but I'm not smart.",JERRY,Who thinks you're smart?
GEORGE,I'm not going to break a hundred on this thing.,JERRY,What thing?
GEORGE,You don't listen when people talk to you anymore!,JERRY,"Oh, Oh, the IQ thing...yeah."
GEORGE,I'm sure I have a low IQ. I've been lying about my SAT scores for 15 years.,JERRY,What'd ya get?
GEORGE,What did I get or what do I say I got?,JERRY,What do you say?
GEORGE,I say fourteen o nine (1409).,JERRY,"1409, that's a good score."
GEORGE,"Psst, You're telling me.",JERRY,What did you really get?
GEORGE,You are my friend.,JERRY,Of course.
GEORGE,"I tell you everything, right?",JERRY,I hope so.
GEORGE,"Well, this I take to the grave.",JERRY,"He's serving Mexican, Italian, Chinese. He's all over the place. That's why no one's going in."
ELAINE,Why do you keep watching?,JERRY,"I don't know, I'm obsessed with it. It's like a spider in the toilet struggling for survival. And even though ya know he's not going to make it, y-y-you kind of root for him for a second."
ELAINE,And then you flush.,JERRY,"Well, it's a spider."
ELAINE,"Do you have to do that? Jerry, don't do that, that is so annoying.",JERRY,Bazooka Joe.
ELAINE,It's your house.,JERRY,My house? You gotta be on the lease to press to buzzer. Yeah? (to the intercom)
INTERCOM,It's George.,JERRY,Come on up.
ELAINE,Casus belli.,JERRY,What's that?
ELAINE,"It's Latin. I read it in some book. I don't know, I just wanted to say it out loud.",JERRY,"Come on, Go in, go in! [watching Dream Cafe with binoculars again]"
ELAINE,Have you gone in there?,JERRY,"No, I'm afraid we'll start talking, and I'll gonna wind up going partners with him."
GEORGE,Hey.,JERRY,"You know, I could probably shoot him from here. I'd be doing us both a favor."
ELAINE,"Sure, fine.",JERRY,Casus belli.
GEORGE,"Why is what I do is so important? Why must I be always the focal point of attention? Let me just be, let me live.",JERRY,"Hey, how'd you do on that IQ test?"
GEORGE,What's casus belli.,JERRY,"Oh, it's nothing..."
GEORGE,Is it about me?,JERRY,Why must you always be the focal point of attention? Why can't you just be? (Elaine laughs - hu) Why can't you live?
ELAINE,"It's just a Latin phrase George, it does not mean anything. Now, what is this test?",JERRY,This woman he's dating is making him take this IQ test for this course.
ELAINE,"You'll do well, you're smart.",JERRY,"No see, he's not smart. People think he's smart, but he's not."
GEORGE,It varies.,JERRY,"You know, I don't even know my IQ."
GEORGE,145!,JERRY,Get out of here!
ELAINE,You get out of here!,JERRY,You get out of here!
ELAINE,Huh.,JERRY,"Boy that'd be something, cheating on a IQ test."
GEORGE,Haha (laughs),JERRY,"Hey, remember in college when you passed Lettick the test out the window? You became a legend after that. (stepping over Elaine then George's legs to get to the large blue chair and sits down.)"
ELAINE,"No, that'd be too noisy.",JERRY,"Take it to Dream Cafe, you won't hear a peep."
ELAINE,"Hey, what do you think?",JERRY,"Hey, I love a good caper."
Babu Bhatt,Welcome to the Dream Cafe.,JERRY,"Well, ah, I've been looking forward to it."
BABU,"Oh, ah how did you hear about us?",JERRY,"Eh, people, people are talking."
BABU,Smoking or non-smoking? We are proud to offer both.,JERRY,"Ah, non-smoking would be great."
BABU,"Very good. My name is Babu Bhatt, I will be your waiter. A steaming hot folded face cloth for your pleasure.",JERRY,Thank you. [Throws the towel around like a hot potato.]
BABU,"Our specials are tacos, moussaka and franks and beans.",JERRY,"Well, ah w-what do you recommend my good fellow?"
BABU,"Oh, the turkey.",JERRY,"Well then the turkey it'll be. And may I say you have a splendid establishment here, my friend. I'm sure you flourish at this location for many, many years."
BABU,"You're very kind man. Very kind, thank you. Very kind...",JERRY,"(thinks) Very kind. I am a kind man. Who else would do something like this? Nobody. Nobody thinks about people the way I do. All right, snap out of it you stupid jerk. You're eating a turkey sandwich. What do want, a Nobel Prize?"
GEORGE,"A-and don't settle for 145, you can do better, you're a genius. Heheheh (laughs)",JERRY,Thank you Babu. You have quite a flair. You are quite the restaurateur I must say.
BABU,It is in deed my pleasure.,JERRY,"Oh, please..."
BABU,Tea and toast.,JERRY,Eat something! Babu...
BABU,"Oh, oh very good choice. Very good.",JERRY,"Oh wow, so you got the test. You're cheating."
KRAMER,"This guy leaves this jacket at my mother's house two years ago. Now, she hasn't spoken to him since and now he says he wants the jacket back.",JERRY,So?
KRAMER,"Well, I'm not giving it back.",JERRY,Why not?
KRAMER,"(eating some nachos) Anyway, it's been two years. I mean isn't there like statue of limitations on that?",JERRY,Statute.
KRAMER,What?,JERRY,Statute of limitations. It's not a statue.
KRAMER,"No, it's statue.",JERRY,"Fine, it's a sculpture of limitations."
BABU,"Oh, I did sc-I'm terribly sorry.",JERRY,Oh my God.
BABU,"Please, forgive me, please...",JERRY,"Go ahead, I'll take care of it."
BABU,"(opens the door for Elaine) Please, I'm very sorry. Tell your friends!",JERRY,"It's all right, she was cheating anyway."
BABU,You're a very kind man.,JERRY,"Babu, you're Pakistani, right?"
BABU,"Yes, Pakistani, yes.",JERRY,"Babu, may I say something?"
BABU,"Of course, you're very smart man, I listen.",JERRY,"I am not a restaurateur by any means, but it occurred to me that perhaps you might serve some dishes from your native Pakistan? As opposed to say t-the franks and beans for example."
BABU,But there are no Pakistani people here.,JERRY,Doesn't matter. You would have the only authentic Pakistani restaurant in the whole neighborhood.
BABU,"Yes, you see everything, don't you?",JERRY,"Well, you know; not everything. I do what I can."
"[Jerry's apartment, Jerry and Elaine. Jerry is looking Dream cafe with binoculars. There's a sign on the window",Closed for renovation.],JERRY,"The average person in a situation like this, they walk right by it. Not me."
KRAMER,"Hey, do me a favor... Some guy comes in looking for me, tell him you don't know where I am.",JERRY,"Of course, I always do."
KRAMER,"Oh, he'll have to kill me. (leaves.)",JERRY,Hey Georgie!
GEORGE,Coming up.,JERRY,How'd you do on the IQ test?!
GEORGE,85!,JERRY,What?!!
ELAINE,85?,JERRY,"Well, well, well..."
ELAINE,He's coming up?,JERRY,"Well, I'm no genius but, according to my calculations he should be here in a few seconds."
ELAINE,"Yeah, but an 85, Jerry, that's ridiculous.",JERRY,"Well, maybe the test was gender bias, you know a lot of questions on hunting and testicles..."
GEORGE,You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.,JERRY,But an 85?
ELAINE,"Ok, now where I'm going to take it.",JERRY,"Take it here, I'll leave, there'll be no distractions."
BABU,"You see how I listen. I work very hard, borrow more money.",JERRY,I think it's fantastic. Has a certain indefinable charm.
BABU,You wish to eat?,JERRY,Let me tell you something Babu. You go back in that kitchen -- tell your chef I want the works.
GEORGE,"Hunh, You know, it's the damnedest thing. I went out the window again to, to get a cup of coffee...",JERRY,"Babu? Babu...[waves Babu to come to table] Babu...you know, I got to tell you, I never do this, but the shrimp, it's just, it's a little stringy. You have any chicken?"
BABU,The shrimp is stringy?,JERRY,"Well, maybe your refrigerator..."
BABU,Quiet!!,JERRY,No I...
BABU,You shut up!,JERRY,Well I...
BABU,"You make me change restaurant, but nobody come! You say make Pakistani, Babu Bhatt have only Pakistani restaurant. But where are people? You see people? Show me people. There are no people!",JERRY,"You know, I think I'll just take the check."
BABU,You bad man! You very very bad man! [leaves],JERRY,(thinking) Bad man? Could've my mother been wrong?
ELAINE,"Actually, you know I think I did. The first time I couldn't really cons...[Monica closes the window]...entrate.",JERRY,"You know what it was, bad location."
GEORGE,"Come on, lets not stand here too long, we might run in to her.",JERRY,Aren't you cold? Where's your jacket?
KRAMER,h-Yeah...,JERRY,"Oh, sorry."
ELAINE,Hey guys...,JERRY,Hey.
ELAINE,I just ran in to Monica. You know what my IQ is? 151.,JERRY,151?
GEORGE,That's a good score.,JERRY,"So, what are you up for? How about Mexican?"
ELAINE,"No, Chinese.",JERRY,"You know, what would be great?"
REPAIRMAN,.....The gaskets that you have here are asymmetrical.,JERRY,Ah..ha!.. really. ( Jerry is barely listening to him )
REPAIRMAN,So I took off the motor relay on the compressor....'cos you..you (stutters) you've got some discoloration,JERRY,Oh! well whatever you have to do.
REPAIRMAN,I was working with one.....mount at a time 'cos you don't wanna disturb the position of the compressor.,JERRY,(sarcastically) No you don't..
GEORGE,Hey! what are listening to?,JERRY,My show from last night.
GEORGE,Oh! you taped it?,JERRY,"Yeah , I was doing new material."
GEORGE,Hey! Did 'ya ever do that thing on the toes that I said .,JERRY,Huh?
GEORGE,"Yeah! like the big toe is like the captain of the toes, but sometimes the toe next to the big toe gets so big that there's like a power struggle and the second toe assumes control of the foot.",JERRY,"The"" coup d-toe"""
GEORGE,Yeah. Did you do it?,JERRY,Yeah!
GEORGE,So?,JERRY,Nothin'.....nothing at all.
GEORGE,Need to use the phone.,JERRY,Who you calling?
GEORGE,China.,JERRY,China really?
GEORGE,Yeah. I'll pay for it.,JERRY,What for?
GEORGE,What for? . I'll tell you what for.... for hair.,JERRY,Hair?
GEORGE,The Chinese have done it my friend. The Chinese have done it.,JERRY,Done what?
GEORGE,It was on CNN ( Kramer comes in and he is taping from a Camcorder) This Chinese doctor Zeng Zau. has discovered a cure for baldness.,JERRY,(to Kramer) What's this?
GEORGE,Is that the guy who likes fat women?,JERRY,Doesn't the fat fetish conflict with the minimalism.
KRAMER,"You can't call China now its like, what, three 'O clock in the morning there",JERRY,Oh! my God!....
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,Oh! God.. Oh! man.....Oh! brother!!! I can't believe what I'm hearing. This woman his talking to me on my tape recorder while I was on stage. This is wild. I've never heard anything like this in my life. Listen to this.
GEORGE,Wa..Wait.Wait!......Who is this woman?,JERRY,I don't know . I have no idea . I was just listening and she came on.
GEORGE,"WAIT ,WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!!!!.... Where was the tape recorder?",JERRY,"It was in the back of the room on the left, she must have been sitting right in front of it."
GEORGE,"All right, All right, all, right!!( gives the headphones to Kramer) How you gonna find out who this is?",JERRY,Good question.
GEORGE,What do the Chinese have to gain by faking a cure for baldness?,JERRY,"If it was real ,they would never let it out of the country. No baldness , it'd be like a nation of Supermen."
ELAINE,What's happening?,JERRY,Tell her. I wanna hear her reaction.
GEORGE,This woman left this really sexy message on Jerry's tape recorder......,JERRY,(pushes George) NOT THAT YOU IDIOT!!
GEORGE,What??,JERRY,"The Chinese , the Chinese bald cure."
GEORGE,I thought you meant the..,JERRY,No I meant the bald cure. We were talking about the bald cure.
PETER,Seinfeld.....( from way in the back of the restaurant. Cheesy plot device to have Jerry leave the table for a minute so George and Elaine can talk),JERRY,Hey! Is that Peter? ...I can't believe it. Get me a cup of Decaf. (leaves table)
GEORGE,"Ah! Some bald thing, a bald thing I dunno. It's nothing",JERRY,Remember Peter?
GEORGE,Peter?,JERRY,You remember Peter. remember I told you how he went to the track that one time and he was yelling at this jockey and the jockey got off the horse and started chasin' him.
ELAINE,"So listen , what about this girl on the tape recorder?",JERRY,Oh Elaine....What do you think an enraptured female fan of mine might say?
ELAINE,I don't know.,JERRY,"She went on in some detail about certain activities, illegal in some states, for consenting adults. Things you would know very little about."
ELAINE,Oh! really.,JERRY,Well this type of things is very common when you're in show business.
ELAINE,"So what, Are you gonna ask her out.",JERRY,No I can't she didn't leave her name or number.
ELAINE,"Well , I just came from the gym , unless I can shower at your place.",JERRY,Sure.
GEORGE,Oh! my god. Oh! man...,JERRY,I don't get it. Why would a woman do that and then leave no way to get in touch with her.
GEORGE,"(phone rings ,picks up) Operator? Beijing?",JERRY,Why are you doing this?
GEORGE,Why do I do anything? tsss...For women.,JERRY,Elaine have you ever gone out with a bald man?
ELAINE,No.,JERRY,You know what that makes you?...A baldist.
KRAMER,"Whooooa! here's the director Jerry Seinfeld . Jerry , you discovered Elaine Benes?",JERRY,Well yes I did that's true. A couple of a guys I knew in the coastguard told me about her.... and I sensed that she had the anger and intensity that I needed to make this film work.
PING,(continues his phone call) Ha Pachini fair pousher pousher mouist I fai chin fousher...,JERRY,(as Ping rambles on ) ...S'cuse me (Ping looks up) Kind of an expensive call.
ELAINE,Okay...Thanks a lot for the ride.,JERRY,..She was sitting at the table where I had my tape recorder...Okay great. Thanks again.. bye. HA Ha..Who do these women think they're dealing with? Did she think she was gonna leave this incredibly erotic message on my tape and I was just gonna let it go. Not Bloody likely...
KRAMER,What is that?,JERRY,That's my cockney accent.
KRAMER,"Naw ,na , that's no good.",JERRY,Lets hear yours.
KRAMER,Not bloody likely..,JERRY,"That's the worst cockney accent I've ever heard in my life.( George enters) Hey! Georgie boy , guess what I got."
GEORGE,"Guess, what I got.",JERRY,Oh! Is that the bald stuff?
GEORGE,"No Don't get the camera , we don't need the camera. Listen I know your skeptical , but I really believe in the Chinese.",JERRY,Yes I am skeptical.
KRAMER,"W..W..Wa...Wa..Wait..Wait wait.. Now lets videotape your head for the before picture, so we can watch how it grows and stuff. Sit down (George sits).....Lean back...A little bit to the right.",JERRY,"Make sure you get this area here, where he needs the help...."
KRAMER,He's a happy camper huh?,JERRY,"Happy camper , I don't hear that expression enough."
KRAMER,Remember that guy who took my jacket. The one I found at my mother's house.,JERRY,Yeah.
KRAMER,My mother told me that he got arrested for mail fraud,JERRY,No kidding?
KRAMER,He's in jail.,JERRY,What happened to the jacket. Did he take it with him?
KRAMER,That's what I intend to find out. (George comes out of the bathroom and he's got white cream on his head),JERRY,You can see it. You gonna walk around like that?
KRAMER,It stinks. Can you smell that?....You stink.,JERRY,How long are you suppose to leave it on for?
GEORGE,"All day. ( phone rings , Jerry picks up)",JERRY,Hello.
ELAINE,It's Elaine Marie Benes.,JERRY,Well Hello..
ELAINE,Hello.. so did you ever find out who that woman was?,JERRY,"Yes , I got her number."
GEORGE,Is that Elaine?,JERRY,Yeah.
ELAINE,I guess you figure you're in for a pretty wild night?,JERRY,"Well , as I said this type of thing is very common in show business"
GEORGE,Did she say Hello?,JERRY,What? I dunno.
GEORGE,"I mean , when I said Hello did she say Hello back?",JERRY,"I don't know , Who keeps track of Hellos."
GEORGE,Isn't polite to say Hello when somebody says hello?,JERRY,She's coming up.
GEORGE,Elaine's coming up?,JERRY,"Yeah. What's wrong, why? ( George runs back to the bathroom)"
KRAMER,How often do you cut your toe nails?,JERRY,I would say every two and a half to eight weeks.
KRAMER,"'cos the other night , you know, I was sleeping with Marion I rolled over and I cut her ankle with my big toe.",JERRY,The big toe; The captain.
KRAMER,What?,JERRY,The captain of the toes. (phone rings) Hello.
ELAINE,"Jerry...Jerry listen I got too much stuff this afternoon, I can't come over, forget it.",JERRY,Okay....too bad.
ELAINE,So humm....When you gonna call her?,JERRY,Soon as I get off the phone wih you.
ELAINE,Good luck.,JERRY,"okay , bye (to George) What happened , did you take it off?"
GEORGE,"Yeah, that was enough.",JERRY,"That's it, you gave up?"
GEORGE,No No I'm working on a system...Who was that?,JERRY,"That was Elaine , she changed her mind. She's not coming over."
ALICIA,Hello.,JERRY,Hello is this Alicia? .This is Jerry Seinfeld.
ALICIA,Yeah.,JERRY,This is Jerry Seinfeld.
GEORGE,It's George.,JERRY,Come on up . (looks at his watch) ...What's he doing here now?
KRAMER,"So , you blew it?",JERRY,She must be psychotic or something.
KRAMER,Let me have her number.,JERRY,I'm not giving you her number.
KRAMER,I know how to handle these psychotics.,JERRY,Sheriff?........What's with the hat?
KRAMER,"(George takes off the hat , he's got that cream on again) Pheeewwww! Boy! You stink.",JERRY,What are doing here now?
GEORGE,Aahh..No..No..,JERRY,What's up?
GEORGE,"I can't tell ya now , he's gonna be back in a ten seconds.",JERRY,So just start it.
GEORGE,I can't.,JERRY,"Oh! Come om . He'll be over there for a half hour, he gets lost over there. C'mon so what is this about?"
KRAMER,"No, I got the tape right here.",JERRY,"Kramer, let's do this later."
GEORGE,Really? ..You think.,JERRY,"Kramer. I would like to talk to George for a minute, please."
KRAMER,'bout what?,JERRY,It's kinda private.
GEORGE,So now you're doing my bits?,JERRY,I'M NOT DOING YOUR BITS!!
KRAMER,"Okay , all right. I'm gonna take a look at this huh!.( leaves)",JERRY,Does she know?
GEORGE,NO!!,JERRY,How did it happen?
GEORGE,I can't say.,JERRY,"Well, why can't you say it?"
GEORGE,Because I promised her.,JERRY,I thought you just said she doesn't know??
GEORGE,She doesn't.,JERRY,So how can you promise her?
GEORGE,Because she asked me to.,JERRY,"What is this, an Abbott and Costello routine?"
GEORGE,All right You really want to know?...It all started when she told met hat...she was the voice on your tape recorder.,JERRY,"What, Elaine?"
GEORGE,Yeah! She made me promise not to tell you .It's supposed to be a joke.,JERRY,(picks up the headphones) That was Elaine...
GEORGE,Well let me hear....( they struggle for the headphones),JERRY,Wait a second. .Just give me a second
GEORGE,You heard it fifty times already.,JERRY,She's my ex-girlfriend I think I have precedence
GEORGE,"(Yelling from the bathroom) Don't tell her anything, she'll kill me!!",JERRY,"Okay, Okay, I promise. (puts on the headphones again) Wow!!! Oh Man...Oh God.. Oh Brother....Whoooaaaa!! Whoaaaa (Elaine enters he takes them off rapidly)"
ELAINE,(Concerned) What's the matter?,JERRY,Oooh! I got a pain in my side.
ELAINE,"(to George returning) Hi George. Something stinks in here.( George motions to Jerry, she nods)",JERRY,What are you doing here?
ELAINE,I was the one who talked into your tape recorder.,JERRY,"I know, George told me."
GEORGE,He..He threatened me.,JERRY,Where did you come up with all that stuff?
GEORGE,Elaine.. I have to tell you something...,JERRY,George NO!!
GEORGE,No no no no no no no..,JERRY,George I'm telling ya..
GEORGE,I'm very attracted to you..,JERRY,Aye......
GEORGE,Heuh. huh. Stick around a while.,JERRY,It's early.
GEORGE,Where'd you meet her?,JERRY,I met her on an elevator.
GEORGE,On an elevator? You met a woman on an elevator?,JERRY,"Impossible, right?"
GEORGE,You got less than sixty seconds. That's like dismantling a time bomb. What got into you?,JERRY,"I don't know. She was so beautiful, it was like a pure reflex. The words just came out of my mouth."
GEORGE,Wow. What'd you say?,JERRY,"You know, I'm the one responsible for those crop circles in England."
GEORGE,Wow.,JERRY,Can you believe I did that?
ISABEL,What crop circles?,JERRY,Not a good sign.
NEWSSTAND OWNER,Crop circles? Why don't you buy something?,JERRY,You got something in your teeth there.
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,It's green.
GEORGE,"Oh, man, it's spinach! I've been walking around like this all afternoon.",JERRY,Did you bump into anybody you knew?
GEORGE,I had a job interview.,JERRY,How'd it go?
GEORGE,"Ok, thanks.",JERRY,"What do you need a job, you got Audrey."
GEORGE,"Yeah, right.",JERRY,What's the matter?
GEORGE,"Oh, nothing.",JERRY,What?
GEORGE,You won't think I'm a bad person?,JERRY,Too late for that.
GEORGE,"'Cause believe me, I would only say this to you and maybe a psychiatrist, maybe. Well, her nose is a little big.",JERRY,"Yeah, she's got a big nose."
GEORGE,"I mean, big would even be ok, a little beyond big.",JERRY,It's a schnoz.
GEORGE,"Now, I'm aware that my own physical dimensions are perhaps a little short of perfection.",JERRY,A little.
GEORGE,"So who am I to be thinking about someone's nose? I mean, I should be grateful someone like her even looks at me. I have no job, nothing. But I have to say, I think about the nose. I don't want to think about the nose. I don't ask to think about the nose, but I think about it. I go to bed at night, I tell myself, 'Don't think about the nose, forget the nose,' but I think about it. I look at her, I see nose.",JERRY,Stop being so concerned with looks.
GEORGE,"I could never do that. You know the ironic thing is if she had a smaller nose, I never could have gone out with her in the first place. She'd be out of my league with a smaller nose. And I really like her, I know that. And I know one other thing. I'm not getting past that nose.",JERRY,"Alright, shut up, here they come."
GEORGE,"I'm going straight to hell, no two ways about it.",JERRY,"Well, it might not be hell but you're gonna run into some bad dudes."
GEORGE,"(checking his watch) Hey, let's get the check, she's taking the bandages off at four o'clock.",JERRY,We have time.
GEORGE,"It's exciting, isn't it? She's gonna have a whole new face.",JERRY,It is exciting.
GEORGE,"Of course, not as exciting as miss crop circles, but...",JERRY,"Please, please, Isabel? She is the most despicable woman I have ever met in my life. I have never been so repulsed by someone mentally and so attracted to them physically at the same time. It's like my brain is facing my penis in a chess game. And I'm letting him win."
GEORGE,You're not letting him win. He wins till you're forty.,JERRY,Then what?
GEORGE,He still wins but it's not a blowout.,JERRY,"She wants to be an actress. She makes me read these moronic acting scenes with her, and I do it because I'm so addicted to the sex, I'm helpless, I'll do anything. So finally Kramer comes in the other day."
KRAMER,(taking the paper and tearing it to pieces) I'm proud of you.,JERRY,"So I'm never gonna see her again, I'm going cold turkey."
GEORGE,Good for you.,JERRY,"I'll tell you, the sex... I mean, I was like an animal. I mean it was just completely uninhibited."
GEORGE,It's like going to the bathroom in front of a lot of people and not caring.,JERRY,It's not like that at all.
AUDREY,Enough.,JERRY,"Alright, are we ready? Come on, let's get this show on the road."
AUDREY,Yes.,JERRY,Shouldn't a doctor do it?
ELAINE,It looks good.,JERRY,Great job.
KRAMER,You got butchered.,JERRY,Let's put him over here.
GEORGE,Interesting.,JERRY,"Come on, Kramer, seriously, give me her number!"
KRAMER,"I don't have it, I threw it out.",JERRY,"You're lying! You got it, I want that number!"
KRAMER,"I told you, I threw it out.",JERRY,Give it to me!
KRAMER,"You told me not to give it to you, you made me promise.",JERRY,"Well, I changed my mind, I want that number."
KRAMER,"You said, no matter what you do or say, I'm not to give you the number.",JERRY,"I was lying, give it to me!"
KRAMER,"No, you told me not to!",JERRY,I want that number!
ISABEL,"Ever since you came back from the Army, you've changed. I swear Nelson, I don't even know who you are anymore.",JERRY,I'm Nelson!
ISABEL,"That's not the line, Jerry.",JERRY,"Alright, alright, I'm sorry. (reading) Nothing's changed, Alma, I just need more time."
ISABEL,"I swear, Nelson, sometimes at night, when you're not around, I just go crazy thinking about you.",JERRY,"Well, you just need to relax. Maybe a hobby, bowling is fun."
ISABEL,"Yeah, bowling's good if you're really gross and ugly.",JERRY,(to himself Uh oh. My organs are playing chess again.
JERRY'S BRAIN,(before disappearing himself) Punk.,JERRY,"Isabel, uh, I don't think this is working."
ELAINE,"Yeah, and I yelled out, Kramer! Kramer, you're killing him!""",JERRY,So I assume the jig was up.
ELAINE,Hi!,JERRY,Hey.
GEORGE,(interrupting) Elaine. Shut up.,JERRY,How did you get fleas?
GEORGE,Because my cousin's imbecile dog was rolling around outside and they got in his carpet.,JERRY,Maybe you can get yourself a little bowtie flea collar.
GEORGE,"That's not funny. So, are you coming to the party?",JERRY,"I'd go, but Long Island, it's so far out, it smacks of desperation. The whole party, everyone's gonna be saying to me, ""You came all the way out from Manhattan for this?"""
GEORGE,You know Ava's gonna be there.,JERRY,Who?
GEORGE,The nice one that works in my office.,JERRY,Nah.
GEORGE,I'll drive.,JERRY,"Oh, well, now you're talking."
GEORGE,It's supposed to be a good party.,JERRY,"What does that mean, good dip?"
GEORGE,"No, there'll be girls there.",JERRY,"There's girls everywhere. I go out of my apartment, there's girls in the elevator. They're in cafeterias, subways, so what?"
GEORGE,There's a hundred different things here. What's the difference between these two? (They each grab a box and check the ingredients) You got propylparabin?,JERRY,Got it.
GEORGE,You got isobutane-30?,JERRY,I got isobutane-20.
GEORGE,A-ha.,JERRY,You got sorbitant sesquioliate?
GEORGE,Got it.,JERRY,I have aloe!
GEORGE,You got aloe? I love aloe.,JERRY,Where do they make yours?
GEORGE,Jersey.,JERRY,White Plains.
GEORGE,"I gave her a twenty, she only gave me change for a ten.",JERRY,"Are you sure? Oh boy, here we go."
ELAINE,"Well don't stand here, let's walk in, blend in, blend in.",JERRY,"No, let's survey first. Camp here."
GEORGE,(waving Eva.,JERRY,"What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room."
GEORGE,"Mark, is this true?",JERRY,"Yeah, this has got disaster written all over it."
ELAINE,"How did I ever let you talk me into this, I must have been out of my mind.",JERRY,"Now listen, let's keep an eye on each other tonight. In case one of us gets in a bad conversation, we should have a signal that you're in trouble so the other one can get us out of it."
ELAINE,How old are you?,JERRY,"Thirty-six. What's the signal? Howbout this? Chicken wing? No, no, no, I got a better one. Head patting."
GUY,You came all the way out from Manhattan for this?,JERRY,"Yeah, yeah I did."
GUY,So what do you do?,JERRY,(Patting his head I'm a comedian.
GUY,Are you? Lemme ask you something. Where do you get your material?,JERRY,(still Patting) I hear a voice.
GUY,What kind of voice?,JERRY,"A man's voice, but he speaks in German so I have to get a translator."
GUY,How come you keep tapping your head.,JERRY,It's a nervous tic. I'm on L-Dopa.
GEORGE,How's it going?,JERRY,"Great, how about you?"
GEORGE,"I can't believe what's happening here. She hasn't taken her hands off me all night. She was always friendly around the office, but that was it.",JERRY,How do you account for this?
GEORGE,"I don't know, maybe a safe fell on her head.",JERRY,"Well, she obviously liked you all along."
GEORGE,"No, I would have picked up on it. I can always tell when a woman likes me, they always somehow let you know. With me, they could torture me, I wouldn't tell them. If anything I'd try to make them think I don't like them, then they think, ""Oh, look at this guy, he's not even looking at me, he must have something going for him.""",JERRY,"Anyway, I'm ready to go."
GEORGE,Now?,JERRY,"If not now, when?"
GEORGE,Gimme a half-hour.,JERRY,"Okay, half-hour."
GUY,"Peanut brittle, peanut butter, peanut oil...",JERRY,(interrupting) Can I talk to you for a second?
ELAINE,"Oh, excuse me. (gets up to talk with Jerry) What have you been doing, I've been smacking myself senseless. People think I'm a mental patient.",JERRY,"Hey, I was dying over there."
ELLEN,"Yeah, I think I've seen you in a club. You talk about a lot of everyday things, right?",JERRY,Right.
ELAINE,The dingo ate your baby!,JERRY,You ready?
GEORGE,"Listen, I have a tremendous favor to ask.",JERRY,I do favors.
GEORGE,I think something's happening here.,JERRY,What?
GEORGE,I think she wants me to take her home.,JERRY,Wow.
GEORGE,What should I do?,JERRY,Go! What could you do?
GEORGE,What about you and Elaine?,JERRY,We'll get a ride.
GEORGE,Are you sure?,JERRY,"We'll be fine, what did she say?"
GEORGE,She told me she wants-- (Pauses until a woman coming down the stairs passes) She told me she wants me to make love to her.,JERRY,What? She said that?
GEORGE,Yeah.,JERRY,Get out of here.
GEORGE,I swear.,JERRY,What did you say?
GEORGE,"I, I, I can't.",JERRY,What did you say?
GEORGE,"Please, it's--",JERRY,What?
GEORGE,I... I... I long for you.,JERRY,I long for you?
GEORGE,I was so shocked I was lucky I said anything.,JERRY,"It's okay, that's not bad."
GEORGE,"I don't like when a woman says, 'Make love to me', it's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her.",JERRY,Really?
GEORGE,"That's a lot of pressure. Make love to me. What am I, in the circus? What if I can't deliver?",JERRY,"Oh, come on."
GEORGE,"I can't perform under pressure. That's why I never play anything for money, I choke. I could choke tonight. And she works in my office, can you imagine? She goes around telling everyone what happened? Maybe I should cancel, I have a very bad feeling about this.",JERRY,"George, you're thinking too much."
ELAINE,"Well, right now I'm reading manuscripts for Pendant Publishing.",JERRY,(walking up) Pendant? Those bastards.
ELAINE,Excuse me.,JERRY,"Listen, George is going home with this Ava from his office"
ELAINE,Really? Huh. What a world. So we can go now?,JERRY,"Uh, no, he's taking the car."
ELAINE,"Well, what are we gonna do for a ride?",JERRY,I don't know.
ELAINE,You don't know?,JERRY,Maybe Kramer can come pick us up.
ELAINE,"Oh great, oh, this is great. How could you let him take the car?",JERRY,"There's nothing I could do, it's part of the code."
ELAINE,(noticing Ava in a fur) Oh look at that. Look at what she's wearing. You see what she's wearing?,JERRY,"Yeah, yeah, alright."
ELAINE,I can't believe she's walking around in that.,JERRY,Just don't make a scene.
ELAINE,"Hey, is that real fur?",JERRY,Oh boy.
AVA,Are you a vegetarian?,JERRY,Here we go.
GEORGE,That's why we're here in America.,JERRY,You're beautiful.
ELAINE,Call Kramer.,JERRY,"Alright. (Approaches host) Excuse me, this is your party, right?"
STEVE,"No, I just live here.",JERRY,Can I use your phone?
STEVE,What's in it for me?,JERRY,A bigger bill?
STEVE,"He he, go for it.",JERRY,"Krame? Sein. What are you doing? Well, I'm stuck out here on Long Island. What are your thoughts about taking a ride? You sure? Okay, but don't leave me hanging here. Okay, great. Let me give you directions."
JENNY,"No, not really.",JERRY,I'm sure he'll be here any minute.
ELAINE,Call him again.,JERRY,"I called, what should I do? (To Jenny) We really appreciate this."
JENNY,(To Steve) It's two o'clock in the morning.,JERRY,"(noticing a coffee table book) Oh, you got the Civil War book. I saw some of that show, it was wonderful."
ELAINE,Six hundred and twenty million people died.,JERRY,Thousand.
ELAINE,"Thousand. Six hundred and twenty thousand. The horror, the horror. (To Jerry) The wife keeps giving us dirty looks. Are you sure you gave him the right directions?",JERRY,Yes. (To Jenny) You're sure there's nothing we can do?
JENNY,"No! (To Steve) I am not going to bed with them in our house, this is ridiculous.",JERRY,You know a friend of my father's used to live right around here. Mike Wichter. He sold plastic straws. You know the ones? You could bend them.
JENNY,"You know, it doesn't look as if your friend is coming.",JERRY,"Oh, he's coming."
JENNY,Maybe you should take a look at a train schedule.,JERRY,That's him.
ELAINE,Thanks a lot.,JERRY,"Thanks, great party."
KRAMER,I'm sorry.,JERRY,"Hey, it's okay."
KRAMER,"Well I knew the exit on the Long Island Expressway, and I thought that the address was 8713 Riviera Drive. Uh uh, so I drove around knocking on everybody's doors that had those numbers; 8317, 7813, 3718, 1837, whoo. Finally, I hit it. 8173.",JERRY,"Anyway, thanks a lot for letting us stay here, Steve, I really owe you one."
STEVE,No problem.,JERRY,"And if you're ever in the city, you know, you want to come to a comedy club, whatever."
STEVE,"Hey, I might take you up on that.",JERRY,"(writing) Here's my address and number. And really, thanks again."
KRAMER,"Yeah, wait till we get on the Expressway.",JERRY,"George, I've been sick all week. Elaine was too. Eighty miles an hour, forty degree temperature for fifty minutes. Do the math. Yeah, maybe I will get out. Hey, let me just stop off at the drug store first. Okay, meet me down there in fifteen minutes then we'll go do something. Yeah, Selwyn's. Okay bye."
VOICE,Mr. Pocatello.,JERRY,Who?
STEVE,"Jerry, baby!",JERRY,Do I know you?
STEVE,Boy this comedy's really frying your brain.,JERRY,"I'm sorry, uh-"
STEVE,"See, this is the kind of lasting impression I make on people.",JERRY,"Oh, okay."
STEVE,"You said if I was ever in the city, I'm in the city.",JERRY,You certainly are. What's going on?
STEVE,"I'm just waiting for a lift back to the island, he won't be ready until eleven, so I figured I'd give you a break. I thought I'd see what it was like to hang out with someone in show business.",JERRY,"Listen, I'm really sorry but I'm just on my way out to meet a friend."
STEVE,"Oh, come on, you can come up with something better than that.",JERRY,"No, really, I just got off the phone with him."
STEVE,I understand.,JERRY,"Look, you can hang out here if you want."
STEVE,Don't be so enthusiastic.,JERRY,"No, it's-"
STEVE,I'm not gonna steal anything.,JERRY,"No, of course not, just close the door when you leave."
STEVE,I think I can do that.,JERRY,"Really, I'm sorry. Maybe another time."
STEVE,Yeah. Let's have lunch.,JERRY,"They guy's in my house right now. What a mistake that party was, I never should have gone."
GEORGE,"Yeah, me either.",JERRY,"Oh, come on."
GEORGE,What come on? Have you ever dated a woman that worked in your office?,JERRY,I've never had a job.
GEORGE,"You know the anxiety you feel on a date? That's what I have every day now. My worst nightmare's come true, every day is a date.",JERRY,"That's one of Dante's nine stages of hell, isn't it?"
GEORGE,"Ava was one of the reasons I used to like going to work, she was a friend. Now we sleep together and suddenly, I don't know how to talk to her. Every time I go to the bathroom I pass her desk. I have to plan little patter. I spend half my day writing. Then afterwards, I sit in my office and analyze how it went. If it was a good conversation, I don't go to the bathroom for the rest of the day. I see her laughing and talking with other people, they're all so loose and relaxed, I think, 'that used to be me. I want to go back there again.'",JERRY,What are you gonna do?
KRAMER,"Well, Jerry, he doesn't have anything. (Sensing Steve's disappointment) Well, but I might have something.",JERRY,"Alright, I'm gonna get this. This looks good."
GEORGE,How much is that?,JERRY,Nine sixty.
GEORGE,Nine sixty? Give it to me.,JERRY,Why?
GEORGE,"Don't worry, I got it.",JERRY,"What do you mean, you got it?"
GEORGE,I got it.,JERRY,"Since when are you treating me to medicine? What are you doing? You're stealing this, aren't you?"
GEORGE,I'm not stealing it. They owe me ten dollars. They stole from me.,JERRY,You're a lunatic.
GEORGE,"I have to do this, it's a matter of honor.",JERRY,What do you say to a person like you?
GEORGE,Just walk.,JERRY,Oh.
GEORGE,(panicky) What are you gonna do? Are you gonna call the police?,JERRY,Can I still buy this or is this evidence now?
STEVE,"(drunk and slurring) Oh Jerry! Jerry! Look who's here, it's Jerry",JERRY,What the hell?
STEVE,"Jerry, this is Patti.",JERRY,Nice to meet you.
PATTI,"It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, I'm sure.",JERRY,What the hell is going on here?
STEVE,"See ya, Jerr. And tell Kramer thanks and I'll call him tomorrow.",JERRY,"Oh, Kramer huh?"
PATTI,I ain't leaving.,JERRY,Patti?
PATTI,You got anything to drink?,JERRY,"Alright, how much does he owe you?"
PATTI,Fifty dollars.,JERRY,(taking out his wallet and handing over bills grudgingly) Fifty dollars.
COP,This your apartment?,JERRY,"Yeah, but--"
COP,You're under arrest for solicitation of prostitution.,JERRY,"Wait a second, I--"
GEORGE,You had Sgt. Chadway? Me too.,JERRY,He was a nice guy.
GEORGE,"Oh, great guy.",JERRY,Was there a red-headed guy there?
GEORGE,The one with the long sideburns?,JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,Where does he come off?,JERRY,"Yeah, I know. There's no call for that kind of attitude."
GEORGE,One of the guys in my cell threw a piece of gum at him.,JERRY,"Oh, we all hated him."
GEORGE,Was the alarm on?,JERRY,"I don't know, I guess it was on. I don't know my alarm sound; I'm not tuned in to it like it's my son."
GEORGE,"I don't understand, how do these thieves start the car?",JERRY,They cross the wires or something.
GEORGE,Cross the wires? I can't even make a pot of spaghetti.,JERRY,They stole my car.
KRAMER,Who did?,JERRY,They did.
KRAMER,Was it more than just one?,JERRY,"What should I do, should I call the police?"
KRAMER,What are they gonna do?,JERRY,"I'd better call the car phone company, cancel my service."
GEORGE,Maybe you should call your car phone.,JERRY,"Yeah, he's probably driving it right now."
GEORGE,"Wait a minute, call the car phone, see what happens.",JERRY,Are you serious?
GEORGE,"Yeah, go ahead, call.",JERRY,I don't even know if I remember the number.
CAR THIEF,Hello?,JERRY,Hello? Is this 555-8383?
CAR THIEF,I have no idea.,JERRY,Can I ask you a question?
CAR THIEF,Sure.,JERRY,Did you steal my car?
CAR THIEF,Yes I did.,JERRY,You did?!
CAR THIEF,I did.,JERRY,That's my car!
CAR THIEF,I didn't know it was yours.,JERRY,What are you gonna do with it?
CAR THIEF,"I dunno, drive around.",JERRY,Then can I have it back?
KRAMER,"Thanks a lot, uh here's Jerry.",JERRY,(derisively at Kramer) Gloves. (Into the phone) Hello?
CAR THIEF,Jerry?,JERRY,"Yeah, let me ask you a question. How do you cross those wires?"
CAR THIEF,"I didn't cross any wires, the keys were in it.",JERRY,"Sid left the keys in the car. Alright, I gotta go. Drive carefully."
CAR THIEF,"Jerry, when's the last time you had a tune-up? Because I can't find the--",JERRY,Sid left the keys in the car.
GEORGE,Who's Sid?,JERRY,"He's this guy in the neighborhood, parks cars on the block."
GEORGE,What do you mean?,JERRY,He moves them from one side of the street to the other so you don't get a ticket.
GEORGE,"What, do you pay him for that?",JERRY,"Yeah, like fifty bucks a month."
GEORGE,How many people does he do that for?,JERRY,"The whole block, forty, fifty cars."
GEORGE,Could anybody do that?,JERRY,"Hey Sid, what happened?"
SID,"I'm sorry, Jerry. Maybe I'm getting too old for this stuff.",JERRY,You left the keys in the car?
SID,"Jerry, you got insurance, right?",JERRY,"Yeah, but no car. I'll have to rent one."
SID,"Well I'm going down to visit my sister in Virginia next Wednesday, for a week, so I can't park it.",JERRY,This Wednesday?
SID,"No, next Wednesday, week after this Wednesday.",JERRY,But the Wednesday two days from now is the next Wednesday.
SID,"Well if you want to move the cars, move the cars. Just don't forget to take the keys out, that's all.",JERRY,"Hello? Yeah, the defroster's the one on the bottom, just slide it all the way over. You're welcome."
ELAINE,"I'm in awe of his intellect, when he talks it sounds like he's reading from one of his novels.",JERRY,"Owen March, I never heard of him."
ELAINE,"Well, he's not a baseball player.",JERRY,"Yeah, that's true. Well it sounds like it's going pretty good."
ELAINE,"Yeah. Well, there is one little problem.",JERRY,What's that?
RENTAL CAR AGENT,Can I help you? Name please?,JERRY,"Seinfeld. I made a reservation for a mid-size, and she's a small. I'm kidding around, of course."
RENTAL CAR AGENT,"Okay, let's see here.",JERRY,Sixty-six years old?
ELAINE,"Yeah, well, he's in perfect health. He works out, he's vibrant. You'd really like him.",JERRY,"Why do people always say that? I hate everyone, why would I like him?"
ELAINE,"What do you think, would you go out with a sixty-six year old woman?",JERRY,"Well, I'll tell you, she would have to be really vibrant. So vibrant, she'd be spinning."
RENTAL CAR AGENT,"I'm sorry, we have no mid-size available at the moment.",JERRY,"I don't understand, I made a reservation, do you have my reservation?"
RENTAL CAR AGENT,"Yes, we do, unfortunately we ran out of cars.",JERRY,But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.
RENTAL CAR AGENT,I know why we have reservations.,JERRY,"I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car. See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them."
RENTAL CAR AGENT,"Let me, uh, speak with my supervisor.",JERRY,"Uh, here we go. The supervisor. You know what she's saying over there?"
ELAINE,What?,JERRY,"Hey Marge, you see those two people over there? They think I'm talking to you, so you pretend like you're talking to me, okay now you start talking."
ELAINE,"Oh, you mean like this? So it looks like I'm saying something but I'm not really saying anything at all?",JERRY,Now you say something else and they won't yell at me 'cause they thought I was checking with you.
RENTAL CAR AGENT,"I'm sorry, my supervisor says there's nothing we can do.",JERRY,"Yeah, it looked as if you were in a real conversation over there."
RENTAL CAR AGENT,But we do have a compact if you would like that.,JERRY,Fine.
RENTAL CAR AGENT,Alright. We have a blue Ford Escort for you Mr. Seinfeld. Would you like insurance?,JERRY,"Yeah, you better give me the insurance, because I am gonna beat the hell out of this car."
ELAINE,"What do you think, you think I'm making a big mistake?",JERRY,"Hey, if you enjoy being with him, that's what's important."
ELAINE,I just don't enjoy being with him.,JERRY,Well that's what's important.
ELAINE,"I'm meeting him for lunch at Chadway's around the corner, do I have to break up with him face to face or can I just wait and do it over the phone?",JERRY,How many times you been out with him?
ELAINE,Seven?,JERRY,Face to face.
ELAINE,Seven dates is a face-to-face break up?,JERRY,"If it was six I could have let you go, but seven, I'm afraid, is over the limit. Unless, of course, there was no sex."
KRAMER,"Whoa, whoa!!",JERRY,What is going on out there?
KRAMER,"Oh yeah, he was drinking something, it started to come out of his nose.",JERRY,So then what?
ELAINE,Get out!,JERRY,That's great!
KRAMER,"Oh yeah, yeah, it's me and him. I might have a whole new career on my hands, huh?",JERRY,You mean *a* career.
ELAINE,"Do it like this. ""These pretzels are making me thirsty.""",JERRY,"No. ""These pretzels are making me thirsty."""
GEORGE,What was wrong with that? I had a different interpretation! Do you know anything about this pretzel guy?! Maybe he's been in the bar a really long time and he's really depressed because he has no job and no woman and he's parking cars for a living! (out the window to honking cars) Alright! Alright! Shut up! Shut up! I hear you! I'm coming down! These pretzels are making me thirsty!,JERRY,Oh my god.
ELAINE,Call an ambulance.,JERRY,"Boy, he took it hard."
ELAINE,We were walking down the block right by your house and I was just about to break up with him then all of a sudden he started to twitch.,JERRY,"(on the phone) Hello? Yes, I need an ambulance at one twenty nine west Eighty-first Street, apartment five-A."
ELAINE,Tell then to hurry! Hurry!,JERRY,(To Elaine) It's an ambulance. (To the operator) I don't know but he's unconscious.
KRAMER,"These pretzels are making me thirsty. (He bites into a pretzel.) Boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty.",JERRY,Kramer.
ELAINE,"I don't know, I don't know, what should we do? We called an ambulance, does anyone know first aid?",JERRY,Shouldn't you do something with the extremities?
KRAMER,What's an extremity?,JERRY,"You raise the feet, get blood to the head."
ELAINE,"Okay, what about a cold compress? They always do that.",JERRY,I don't have a washcloth.
ELAINE,Well use a paper towel.,JERRY,You can't put a paper towel on his head.
KRAMER,What about a big sponge?,JERRY,How you gonna hold it on there?
ELAINE,"No no no no no, that'll, it'll drip all over him.",JERRY,Should we walk him around?
KRAMER,"Yeah, I've seen them do that.",JERRY,"No, no that's for a drug overdose."
ELAINE,He is not a drug addict!,JERRY,"Hey, you know what? Maybe he's a diabetic, he might just need a cookie or something."
ELAINE,How's he gonna chew it?,JERRY,"We'll move his teeth, it happened to my uncle, the sugar revived him."
ELAINE,"You know what, let's put a few cookies in a blender and he could drink it.",JERRY,Cookies don't liquefy.
KRAMER,Alright I'll get a blender.,JERRY,What blender? I don't have a blender.
KRAMER,You got a blender.,JERRY,I would know if I had a blender.
ELAINE,Where is the ambulance?!,JERRY,"(on phone) Hello, yes, I called for an ambulance like thirty-five minutes ago."
ELAINE,I can't believe what's going on out here.,JERRY,"This is an emergency, what's taking so long? (the door buzzer buzzes) Wait a second, maybe that's them. (presses button) Hello?"
VOICE,Paramedics.,JERRY,"Come on up. Okay, they're here."
ELAINE,He seems to be breathing.,JERRY,"Ya know, I gotta tell you, he's a pretty good-looking guy."
ELAINE,I know.,JERRY,"Those eyebrows could use a trimming, you ever mention that to him?"
ELAINE,Almost.,JERRY,"Hey, look at this, c'mon, running wild there."
ELAINE,It's not an easy thing to bring up.,JERRY,"Yeah, that's true."
ELAINE,"Aw, you should see his bathrobe, man, it's all silk.",JERRY,Yeah? Does he wear slippers? I bet he wears slippers.
ELAINE,"He does, how'd you know that?",JERRY,I could tell.
PARAMEDIC,"We got here twenty minutes ago but we couldn't move, the whole intersection is gridlocked, I've never seen anything like it. So finally we make the turn and this guy who's running around triple-parking cars slammed into us with a blue Escort.",JERRY,Blue Escort? That's my rent-a-car!
GEORGE,Oh man.,JERRY,What happened to the car?
GEORGE,What happened?,JERRY,We don't know!
PARAMEDIC,You're not supposed to do that.,JERRY,So how'd you hit the car?
GEORGE,"I was moving it across the street, I looked up and I saw Woody Allen and I got all distracted.",JERRY,"It's not even my car, it's a rental."
SID,Then how'd all those cars get damaged? Why are people calling me up screaming on the phone? Most of them cancelled out on me.,JERRY,Can I get anybody anything?
KRAMER,"Hey, you seen the paper yet?",JERRY,"Interestingly enough, no, inasmuch as it is my paper."
KRAMER,Yeah. There's an article in there about that writer.,JERRY,"(reading) Owen March, prominent author and essayist suffered a stroke yesterday in the upper West Side apartment of a friend."
KRAMER,"Uh huh, that's the guy that was here. You're the friend.",JERRY,(continuing) The extent of the damage would have been far less severe had paramedics been able to reach him sooner.
SID,Oh lord.,JERRY,(finishing) The commotion also delayed production of a Woody Allen movie that was shooting up the block. A spokeswoman for the legendary filmmaker said that Mr. Allen was extremely agitated and wondered if his days of shooting movies in New York were over.
ELAINE,"Five seconds. Jerry, I was five seconds away from breaking up with him. Five seconds. The next words out of my mouth were, 'Owen, it's over.'",JERRY,Can he communicate?
ELAINE,"Yeah, well, he nods. And I think he understands me, he seems to enjoy it when I read to him.",JERRY,"Alright, she's free. (Steps up to the counter) Hi, I called before, uh, my car got smashed."
ELAINE,"So listen, what should I do? I mean if I break up with him now it'll look like I'm abandoning him because of his condition, I'll be ostracized from the community.",JERRY,What community? There's a community?
ELAINE,Of course there's a community.,JERRY,"All these years I'm living in a community, I had no idea."
RENTAL CAR AGENT,Sir the estimate on the damage to your car is two thousand eight hundred and sixty-six dollars.,JERRY,"Hmm, well, I got the insurance and everything so..."
RENTAL CAR AGENT,"Yes, now, uh, in your report you said that you were not the driver of the car at the time of the accident.",JERRY,"That is right, somebody else was driving."
RENTAL CAR AGENT,"Alright, well, sir, you're only covered for when you're driving the car.",JERRY,"Uh huh, what's that?"
RENTAL CAR AGENT,You're not covered for other drivers.,JERRY,Other drivers?
RENTAL CAR AGENT,Um hm.,JERRY,"Your whole business is based on other drivers. It's a rented car. That's who's driving it, other drivers. Doesn't my credit card cover me or something?"
RENTAL CAR AGENT,Not that particular one.,JERRY,"Well I got a hundred cards, here, pick a card, take a card, any card you want, go ahead, whichever one, I don't care."
RENTAL CAR AGENT,"Sir, if you had read the rental agreement--",JERRY,"Did you see the size of that document? It's like the Declaration of Independence, who's gonna read that?"
RENTAL CAR AGENT,"Mr. Seinfeld, as it stands right now, you are not covered for that damage and there is absolutely nothing that can be done about that.",JERRY,These pretzels are making me thirsty.
ELAINE,"Can you die from an odor? I mean, like if you were locked in a vomitorium for two weeks, could you actually die from the odor?",JERRY,An overdose of odor? Good question.
ELAINE,"No no no no, I was just down on the forty-second street subway today, it is disgusting. Guess who I bumped into. Owen.",JERRY,Ahh.
ELAINE,"Yeah, he's almost fully recovered. He told me he was just using me for sex.",JERRY,Let me get that.
GEORGE,"No no no, I got it.",JERRY,Please.
GEORGE,"No come on, let me, let me. I smashed your car, it cost you over two thousand dollars,",JERRY,"(sarcastically) Yeah, a cup of coffee should cover it."
KRAMER,"Well, one of the pieces must have hit Woody. He started crying. And he yells out, 'I'm bleeding' and he runs off. Anyway, this woman, she came up to me and she says, 'You're fired.' Boy I really nailed that scene.",JERRY,"Aw, wait a--. Oh. Oh, for crying out loud."
GEORGE,Like you do.,JERRY,Well what do you think? They put the statue on a giant raft and a tugboat pulled it all the way from France?
GEORGE,What do you think? The brought it over in pieces and screwed it together like a coffee table?,JERRY,I don't know. It's too early for a Christmas party isn't it?
GEORGE,Why did France give that to us anyway?,JERRY,It was a gift.
GEORGE,So countries just exchange gifts like that?,JERRY,If they like each other.
GEORGE,There's Elaine.,JERRY,See that guy he's talking with? That's her new boyfriend.
GEORGE,Really? They work here in the office?,JERRY,Yeah. They're having a little fling so don't say anything.
GEORGE,Who am I going to tell? My mother? Like I've got nothing better to talk about.,JERRY,You don't. He's a recovering alcoholic.
GEORGE,Really?,JERRY,Yeah. He's been off the wagon for two years.
GEORGE,"""Off the wagon""?",JERRY,I think it's off the wagon.
ELAINE,"Jerry, George, what are you doing here?",JERRY,What am I doing here? Ba-boom (holding out a present)
ELAINE,*gasp* My god! My watch! You found my watch! (pushing Jerry),JERRY,Hey keep your hands to yourself if you know what's good for you.
ELAINE,Where did you find it?,JERRY,Under the sofa cushion.
ELAINE,And you stopped by just to give it to me?,JERRY,It's your Christmas present.
DICK,Hi nice to meet you. Is this the guy?,JERRY,"""The guy?"""
ELAINE,"My boss told me to find someone. I'm in charge of it. All you have to do is meet him. Come on. Come on, come on, here hold my drink.",JERRY,Cranberry juice?
DICK,So... you're Jerry.,JERRY,So... I'm Jerry. (he puts down the drink)
DICK,(picking up the drink) I've got new for you. I'm funnier than you are.,JERRY,Why don't get we together New Years day and watch some football.
ELAINE,Where's my drink?,JERRY,"There. (turns to George) So, how did it go?"
ELAINE,"No, no, no, this is just cranberry juice.",JERRY,"Oh, uh, I think maybe Dick picked up yours."
ELAINE,Dick? He can't drink. He's an alcoholic. I told you to hold it.,JERRY,"I didn't know you meant *hold* it, I thought you meant hold it."
GEORGE,Told you.,JERRY,I never feel comfortable in the women's department. I feel like I'm just a *little* too close to trying on a dress.
GEORGE,Do I really have to buy her something?,JERRY,Hey the woman got you a job. The least you could do is buy her a gift. How about this?
GEORGE,What is that? Is that cashmere?,JERRY,Yeah. She would love cashmere.
GEORGE,Who doesn't like cashmere? Find me one person in the world that doesn't like cashmere. It's too expensive.,JERRY,Look at this. It's 85 dollars marked down from 600.
GEORGE,Oh yeah.,JERRY,Oh it's damaged. (grabbing the sweater)
GEORGE,You think she would care about the red dot?,JERRY,It's hard to say.
GEORGE,I don't even think she'd notice it. Can you see it?,JERRY,Well I can see it.
GEORGE,"Yeah, but you know where it is.",JERRY,Well what do you want me to do? Not look at it?
GEORGE,Pretend you didn't know it was there. Can you see it?,JERRY,It's hard to pretend because I know where it is.
GEORGE,Well just take an overview. Can't you just take an overview?,JERRY,You want me to take an overview?
GEORGE,Please.,JERRY,I see a very cheap man holding a sweater trying to get away with something. That's my overview.
ELAINE,He's acting very strangely. I think he started drinking again.,JERRY,"Oh boy, can you smell it?"
ELAINE,No. I can't smell it.,JERRY,Well if you can't smell it then he hasn't been drinking.
ELAINE,You don't always smell someone from a drink.,JERRY,Yes you do.
ELAINE,What about one drink? Would you smell it from one drink?,JERRY,Yes you would.
KRAMER,Okay.,JERRY,Would you take a drink and let us smell you?
KRAMER,"Okay, well what am I drinking? What do you got?",JERRY,I got a bottle of scotch my uncle gave me. It's Hennigans. It's been here for two years. I've been using it as a paint thinner.
KRAMER,All right.,JERRY,I don't smell anything.
ELAINE,Maybe we're too close to the bottle.,JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,(over the speaker) It's George.,JERRY,Come on up.
KRAMER,"Say you got a big job interview, and you're a little nervous. Well throw back a couple shots of Hennigans and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. And because it's odorless, why, it will be our little secret. (singing) h-e-double n...",JERRY,Kramer. Yeah that'll do.
ELAINE,"Jerry, how could you let him spend so much money?",JERRY,I tried to stop him. I couldn't. He just wants to make people happy.
GEORGE,What red dot? What are you talking about? Jerry come here for a second. Do you see anything here?,JERRY,"(uncomfortable) Uh, I don't know. Uh, I don't know."
ELAINE,What don't you know?,JERRY,I don't know.
ELAINE,Well do you see it or don't you?,JERRY,Ahem. Say that again?
ELAINE,Do you see it or don't you?,JERRY,Do I see it... or don't I? That's the question.
CLEANING WOMAN,Hello.,JERRY,"You had sex with the cleaning woman on your desk? Who are you, how did you do that?"
GEORGE,"Hennigans. I was there sitting in the office and the cleaning woman comes in. I've always been attracted to cleaning women. Cleaning women, chambermaids.",JERRY,"Yeah chambermaids, I'm attracted to them too."
GEORGE,Why is that?,JERRY,It's a woman in your room. So go ahead.
GEORGE,"So she starts vaccuming, back and forth, back and forth, her hips swivelling, her breasts, uh... (trying to think of a word)",JERRY,Convulsing?
GEORGE,Convulsing?,JERRY,"I don't know, I'm trying to help you."
GEORGE,Then I asked her if she wanted a drink.,JERRY,You don't drink.
GEORGE,I know but I couldn't think of anything else to say to her.,JERRY,So you started drinking.
GEORGE,"So we started drinking, and I'll tell you I don't know if it was the alcohol or the ammonia, but the next think I knew she was mopping the floor with me.",JERRY,So how was it?
GEORGE,"Well the sex was okay, but I threw up from the Hennigans.",JERRY,Good thing the cleaning lady was there.
ELAINE,Dick was fired.,JERRY,"You mean to tell me if I had put that drink six inches over to the right, and none of this would have happened."
ELAINE,You knew he was an alcoholic. Why'd you put the drink down at all?,JERRY,What are you saying?
ELAINE,I'm not saying anything.,JERRY,You're saying something.
ELAINE,What could I be saying?,JERRY,Well you're not saying nothing you must be saying something.
ELAINE,If I was saying something I would have said it.,JERRY,Well why don't you say it?
ELAINE,I said it.,JERRY,What did you say?
ELAINE,Nothing. It's exhausting being with you.,JERRY,Yeah?
ELAINE,"Hey, let me ask you something something. Did George buy that sweater knowing the red dot was on it because it was cheaper? (Jerry is unconfortable) Ooookay, you just gave me the answer.",JERRY,No I didn't.
ELAINE,"Yes you did, yes you did. I saw your expression.",JERRY,I didn't have an expression. I have a deviated septum. I have to open my mouth sometimes to breathe.
ELAINE,How much did he save?,JERRY,"Frankly I am shocked that you would ask such a question (Elaine sticking out her tongue like she isn't buying a word of it) of me, that you would think - the only surprise is how you could even think of that. That's what you were seeing."
GEORGE,"I have to talk to Elaine. This cleaing lady is turning the screws on me. She's pushing for this whole relationship thing. She keeps calling me, threatening to go to the boss with this thing, I could lose my job, I gotta do something to keep her quiet.",JERRY,Elaine is in the bathroom. She's wise to whole red dot thing. She's asking me all kinds of questions.
GEORGE,Did you tell her anything?,JERRY,No.
GEORGE,Do you swear?,JERRY,I'm not swearing. I don't want to swear.
GEORGE,Oh you told her didn't you.,JERRY,No.
GEORGE,You told her? How could you tell her? I told you not to say anything.,JERRY,I didn't tell her you stupid idiot. She tricked you.
CLEANING WOMAN,(noticing the dot) What's this?,JERRY,"I was in the men's room the other day and they had the hand blower, instead of the paper towels, you know this thing. I like the hand blower I have to say. It takes a little bit longer, but I feel when you're in a room with a revolting stench you want to spend as much time as you can."
AUDIENCE,Oooooh.,JERRY,"Oh, wait a second, I believe we have a heckler ladies and gentlemen. Hey Dick I don't know what your problem is. It's not my fault you're back on the wagon."
DICK,It's off the wagon.,JERRY,In the old days how do you think they got the alcohol from town to town?
DICK,I don't know.,JERRY,On the wagon. Don't you think they broke into a couple of those bottles along the way?
DICK,You can't drink on a wagon it would be too bumpy.,JERRY,They had smooth trails. What about the Cumberland Gap?
DICK,What the hell do you know about wagons?,JERRY,I know enough not to get on them.
ELAINE,Kissing is not sex.,JERRY,George?
GEORGE,No.,JERRY,George?
ELAINE,What are you doing here?,JERRY,I'm taking the kid out to dinner to chear him up.
ELAINE,Hey Jerry when do you consider that sex has taken place?,JERRY,I would say when the nipple makes its first appearance.
ELAINE,"So, George told me that you left the drink next to Dick's on purpose.",JERRY,Nice try. So guess who heckled me at the club last night.
ELAINE,"Ow, ow move over.",JERRY,Get off of me.
DICK,(noticing the dot) What's this?,JERRY,"But in a way, I think I inadvertantly turned this guy into an alcoholic. I hate being around alcoholics because they're either telling you how much they love you or how much they hate you. And those are the two statements that scare me the most. But I think he's okay now because I have no idea how he feels about me. He's finally off the wagon."
DICK,You mean on the wagon.,JERRY,Don't get smart.
GEORGE,945,JERRY,"Remember, don't whistle on the elevator."
GEORGE,Why not?,JERRY,"That's what Willie Loman told Biff before his interview, in 'Death of a salesman'."
ELAINE,"All right, I'm gonna go.",JERRY,What time is the lesbian wedding?
GEORGE,"What, was that not politically correct? It's a legitimate question.",JERRY,I'm so tired. I'll fall asleep on that train (yawns)
KRAMER,"Jerry, come on let's go, pick up the check so we can go.",JERRY,"Oh, I'm paying for breakfast?"
GEORGE,Yeah.,JERRY,Why do I always pay? What am I made of money? You bunch of deadbeats.
GEORGE,That guy is not blind.,JERRY,"So, can I convince anybody to come down to Coney Island with me? I got to pick up my car at the pound. George?"
GEORGE,I can't believe they actually found your stolen car.,JERRY,Not only that they found it. It was simonized and the front end was aligned.
GEORGE,That's amazing.,JERRY,So what do you say? Run in the cyclone. Hotdogs on Nathan's is on me.
GEORGE,What are you? Satan? I'm close to a job here. It's my second interview with them.,JERRY,"All right, biff. Elaine, merry-go-round?"
ELAINE,I can't. I'm the best man.,JERRY,"Kramer, bumper-cars?"
KRAMER,"I've gotta go to court, I'll get in trouble. What's the matter with you?",JERRY,Could be years before I get back to Coney Island. I can't go to rides alone.
MAN1,"What did I just say? Come on, let's go to the office, I'm going to call my bookie. (looks around to see if anyone is listening) Hey, don't tell anybody.",JERRY,"O-K. You realize of course, you're naked?"
NAKED MAN,"Naked, dressed. I don't see any difference.",JERRY,You oughta' sit here. There is a difference.
NAKED MAN,You got something against naked body?,JERRY,"I got something against yours. How about a couple of deep knee bends, maybe a squat thrust?"
NAKED MAN,Who's got time for squat thrusts?,JERRY,"All right, how about skipping breakfast. I'm guessing you're not a 'half-grapefruit and black coffee' guy."
NAKED MAN,I like a good breakfast.,JERRY,"I understand, I like good breakfast. Long as you don't wind up trapped in a room with bib overalls and pigtails, been counseled by Dick Gregory."
NAKED MAN,I'm not ashamed of my body.,JERRY,"That's your problem, you should be."
NAKED MAN,They still have no pitching. Goodin's a question mahk. ...You don't recover from those rotator cuffs so fast.,JERRY,I'm not worried about their best pitching. They got pitching. ...They got no hitting.
NAKED MAN,"No hitting? They got hitting! Bonilla, Murry. ...They got no defence.",JERRY,Defence? Please. ...They need speed.
NAKED MAN,Speed? They got Coleman. ...They need a bullpen.,JERRY,Franco's no good? ...They got no team leaders.
NAKED MAN,They got Franco! ...What they need is a front office.,JERRY,But you gotta like their chances.
NAKED MAN,I LUV their chances.,JERRY,Tell you what. If they win the penant I'll sit naked with you at the World Series.
NAKED MAN,I haven't had a hotdog at Nathan's for 20 years.,JERRY,First we ride the cyclone.
NAKED MAN,Chilly out.,JERRY,"Aah, French fries."
BLIND VIOLIN PLAYER,"(puts a gun to the thug's head) Freeze, Police!",JERRY,"No, I never got the car. We were having such a good time, by the time I got to the police garage, it was closed."
ELAINE,Too bad.,JERRY,You wouldn't believe what this guy put away at Nathan's. Look at what we won!
ELAINE,Get that out of my face.,JERRY,"So, you missed the wedding. You'll catch the bris!"
ELAINE,George?,JERRY,"Biff, what did you whistle on the elevator?"
GEORGE,"You have my spare-key in your apartment, right?",JERRY,"Yeah, it's in the kitchen drawer."
GEORGE,"Never mind what happened, just give me the key.",JERRY,"Come on, I'll go with you."
GEORGE,"We did a crossword puzzle together, *in bed*. It was the most fun I ever had in my entire life. Did you hear me? in my *life*! Y'know?",JERRY,Were you talking? I couldn't hear anything.
GEORGE,I was telling you about Noel.,JERRY,"Oh, Noel! Yeah, the one who plays bongos..."
GEORGE,[sarcastically] Heh heh heh... So side-splittingly funny...,JERRY,"All right, I'm sorry. What about her?"
GEORGE,"What, you think I'm going to repeat the whole thing now?",JERRY,"I know, you told me you like her, everything is going good."
GEORGE,How do I get the hand?,JERRY,We all want the hand. Hand is tough to get. You gotta get the hand right from the opening.
GEORGE,"She's playing a recital this week at the McBierney School. You wanna hear her play? I got two extra tickets, you and Elaine could go...",JERRY,"Yeah, that sounds like somethin'..."
GEORGE,"With all due respect, I don't think so...",JERRY,"That smells good, what is that?"
KRAMER,The *beach*!,JERRY,The *beach*?
KRAMER,I just joined the Polar Bear Club.,JERRY,You joined the *Polar Bears*?!
KRAMER,"Well, it's these people-- they go swimmin' in the winter. They're terrific, I just took my first swim today. Brrrrrrr! It's invigorating....",JERRY,Yeah... So's shock therapy.
GEORGE,"Hey, what goes on there, exactly?",JERRY,You don't know?
GEORGE,"No, I-I-I know... [retreats back to his Chinese take out] I know...",JERRY,"You think they have fleas there, don't you?"
GEORGE,*No*...,JERRY,"Yes you do, Biff. You've never been to a Flea Market, and you think they have fleas there."
ELAINE,I don't know how anyone does this. It must be *so* nerve racking... How do they warm up their fingers?,JERRY,They have a piano backstage they warm up on.
ELAINE,"*No*, we would have heard it.",JERRY,"What, do you think they just crack their knuckles and come out?"
GEORGE,"I told her we'd all go out afterwards, okay? And don't applaud when she stops playing the first time. It's not over yet.",JERRY,"[quickly whispering] I resent that you said that! That's directed at *me*, isn't it?!"
GEORGE,What did you put the Pez dispenser on her leg for in the first place?,JERRY,"I dunno, it was an impulse."
GEORGE,What kind of a sick impulse does that??,JERRY,How could I know she would start to laugh?
ELAINE,I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I *am*!,JERRY,Can we just go in already?
ELAINE,"[To Jerry] Oh, remind me to talk to you about something later.",JERRY,What about?
GEORGE,"Hey, hey! We're discussing something!",JERRY,"I know, but I'm distracted now."
ELAINE,When I was outside I ran into John Mollika.,JERRY,"Really John Mollika, they guy that used to bartend at the Comedy Club. How's he doing?"
GEORGE,"Uh, can we cut to the chase?",JERRY,"""Cut to the chase""?"
GEORGE,Yeah...,JERRY,"What're you, ""Joe Hollywood""?"
GEORGE,A lot of people say it.,JERRY,I would lose that.
GEORGE,[Accusingly] What's *that*?,JERRY,"""Lose that""? That's not a Hollywood expression!"
ELAINE,Anyway ... So John told me that Richie is in town from Los Angeles and he's really messed up on drugs. So I told him that he should do an intervention.,JERRY,"Really, an intervention ..."
ELAINE,"Yeah, but he want's you to be a part of it.",JERRY,Me? Why me?
ELAINE,'Cause Richie really respects you and he would listen to you.,JERRY,Y'know these things are *really* hard to load...
GEORGE,"All right, OK, I'm goin' in.",JERRY,We've got to talk about this (to Elaine)
GEORGE,"Oh, these are my friends, Elaine and Jerry, ... Noel",JERRY,You play a *Hell* of a piano.
NOEL,"Well then, what was she laughing at?",JERRY,Pez?
GEORGE,"Me, uh, uh, no, ...",JERRY,Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean only a sick twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.
ELAINE,Maybe some mental defective put something stupid on her leg.,JERRY,Even if this so called mental defective did put something on her leg she's still the one who laughed.
NOEL,I don't feel like it tonight.,JERRY,We'll be outside
ELAINE,Yeah,JERRY,"It was nice meeting you By the way, How do you warm up your fingers before you play?"
GEORGE,"Um, all right, um, uh, I'll call 'ya. I'll call you and we'll talk on the phone. A telephone communiqu. Every thing is fine ok, uh, fine, .. [exits]",JERRY,You know I thing Kramer might have been responsible for getting Richie involved with drugs in the first place.
ELAINE,What? How?,JERRY,A few years ago the comedy club had a softball team. Kramer was our first baseman You couldn't get anything by him It was unbelievable. Anyway this one game we came back to win from like 8 runs behind. So Kramer says to Richie why don't you dump the bucket of Gatorade on Marty Benson's head? The club owner. So Richie goes ahead and does it.
ELAINE,So? What happened?,JERRY,"What happened? The guy was like 67 years old, it was freezing out, he caught a cold, got pneumonia, and a month later he was dead."
ELAINE,Shut up!,JERRY,All the comedians were happy. He was one of these club owners nobodu liked anyway. But Richie was never the same.
ELAINE,Whar about Kramer?,JERRY,He's the same!
KRAMER,"(looks shocked) Oh sure, the guy I told to pour the Gatorade that killed Marty Benson?",JERRY,"Right, we'll John Mollika is organizing some kind of intervention for him. We're having it here."
KRAMER,Can I get in on that?,JERRY,What do you think? It's like a poker game?
KRAMER,Is Elaine going?,JERRY,Yeah
KRAMER,"Well, I knew him as well as she did.",JERRY,"Yeah, but John invited her."
KRAMER,"So what are you saying, you don't want me to intervene?",JERRY,"No, intervene, go intervene all you want. I am just afraid you might be interfering while we're intervening."
GEORGE,It's George,JERRY,Stop smelling your arm.
KRAMER,You know I got a great idea for a cologne. The Beach. You spray it on and you smell like you just came home from the beach,JERRY,"Hum, a cologne that smells like the beach. I can't believe I'm saying this, ""That's not a bad idea."""
KRAMER,Tell me about it!,JERRY,"Why don't you call Steve D'Jiff, he works in the marketing department at Calvin Klein. In fact he's a good friend of John Mollika and Richie also."
GEORGE,Well it's over. It's definitely over.,JERRY,She broke up with you?
GEORGE,"No, but I can tell she's going to. I can sense it. We had this terrible phone conversation. I was so nervous before I called I made up this whole list of things to talk about.",JERRY,What was on the list?
GEORGE,"Let's see, How I'm very good at going in reverse in my car, why isn't Postum a more popular drink,",JERRY,"Yeah, Postum is under-ratted,"
GEORGE,"Anyway there was all this tension. I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner and she said ""no, maybe we could get together for lunch."" You know what that means.",JERRY,What's wrong with lunch?
KRAMER,You break up with her. You reverse everything that way.,JERRY,A preemptive breakup.
OTHER GUY,Are there any ice cubes?,JERRY,In the freezer.
OTHER GUY,I looked. There aren't any ice cubes.,JERRY,Well I guess there aren't any ice cubes.
STEVE,What's the plan?,JERRY,Do I have to talk? I don't feel like talking.
KRAMER,Is this the interference?,JERRY,Intervention.
OLD GUY,We're having a party here?,JERRY,"No, we're having an intervention"
OLD GUY,An intervention? Who's intervening?,JERRY,There's a friend of ours on drugs and we're going to confront him.
ELAINE,Hide!,JERRY,It's NOT a surprise party! Yeah (to intercom)
GEORGE,It's George,JERRY,"Yeah, come on up. ... It's not him."
GEORGE,We just came from Chadway's(?) What's going on.,JERRY,We're having the intervention for Richie.
GEORGE,"Oh, right, right, the intervention. Should we leave?",JERRY,"Well, uh.."
ELAINE,"Oh, hi Noel",JERRY,"Well, you're looking well."
NOEL,You put a Pez dispenser on her leg during my recital?.,JERRY,I didn't know she would laugh.
NOEL,And you're going to need it.,JERRY,Hey Richie
RICHIE,So what's going on?,JERRY,"It was pretty ugly from the get go. he's not listening, He's hostile, he's talking back."
GEORGE,I can't do these puzzles.,JERRY,So he starts to get up He spots the Pez dispenser on the coffee table
GEORGE,Ah ah Pez dispenser.,JERRY,"He picks it up - he stares at it - It's like he's hypnotized by it. Then he's telling us this story about how when he was a kid he was in the car with his father, and his father was trying to load one of them"
GEORGE,Well they're hard to load.,JERRY,Tell me something I don't know. So as the father's trying to load it he loses control of the car and it crashes into a high school cafeteria. Nobody's hurt but Pez is all over the car. And the dispenser was destroyed virtually beyond recognition.
GEORGE,Poor kid.,JERRY,So as he's telling the story he starts crying.
GEORGE,What did you do?,JERRY,What do you think? I gave him my Pez dispenser.
GEORGE,Wow,JERRY,Two hours later he checks into Smither's clinic. I talked to the doctor yesterday. He's doing great on the rehab. He's hooked on Pez. He's eating them like there's no tomorrow.
GEORGE,What's a three letter word for candy?,JERRY,I can't do those things.
ELAINE,Na.,JERRY,What are you doing? Were going out for dinner in ten minutes.
ELAINE,Do you realize this is the last meal I am going to have for three days?,JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,Its George.,JERRY,Come on up. . . . I never heard of this. Youve got to fast for three days to take an ulcer test. How you gonna do that?
ELAINE,I dont know. How could I possibly have ulcers? Who could have given me ulcers?,JERRY,I think Ill take out the garbage.
ELAINE,"Hey, have you ever fasted?",JERRY,"Well, once I didnt have dinner until, like 900 oclock, that was pretty rough. (exits to hall with garbage  meets George) Hey, do me a favour will ya? Throw out my garbage for me."
GEORGE,"Yeah, right.",JERRY,"Come on, its just down the hall."
GEORGE,Give me two bucks. Ill do it for two bucks.,JERRY,Ill give you 50 cents.
GEORGE,Theres no way I touch that bag for less than two dollars.,JERRY,Come on. Fifty cents. (??) a piece of Drakes coffee cake
GEORGE,"Youre not getting no Drakes Coffee Cake for fifty cents. Yae, Hey, Im all set. I got the ticket. Im going to the Cayman Islands this Friday.",JERRY,I dont get you. Who goes on vacation without a job? What do you need a break from getting up at eleven?
GEORGE,Its an incredible deal. I dont know why you dont come with me.,JERRY,"Nah, I dont go for these non-refundable deals. I cant commit to a woman. Im not going to commit to an airline."
GINA,Hi.,JERRY,Hi.
GINA,How are you?,JERRY,"Gina, do you know what a Drakes Coffee Cake is?"
GINA,"Of course, the plane cake with the sweet brown crumbs on the top.",JERRY,How much do they cost?
GEORGE,"No, no the full size.",JERRY,"No, no the junior."
GINA,I havent had one of those since I was a little girl.,JERRY,Really? You should be ashamed of yourself. I want you out of here! (MARTIN enters the hall) How ya doing?
MARTIN,Good enough.,JERRY,Boy shes sexy isnt she?
ELAINE,What guy?,JERRY,My neighbour
ELAINE,"Oh, that creepy guy?",JERRY,"Yeah, did he think I was flirting with her?"
GEORGE,"hey, you know what? I just remembered something. I had a dream about that guy last night. This is amazing.",JERRY,Whats so amazing? Youve seen him before.
GEORGE,I havent seen him for months.,JERRY,What was the dream?
GEORGE,I was doing standup comedy in Kennebunkport Maine. ??? night club. The stage was on a cliff and the audience was throwing all the comics off.,JERRY,I think Ive played there.
GEORGE,Ive had a lot of other paranormal stuff happen to me.,JERRY,Youre a little paranormal
GEORGE,Id love to go. Make an appointment.,JERRY,"Psychics, vacations. How about getting a job?"
GEORGE,I just got fired.,JERRY,"Alright, come on, lets get out of here."
ELAINE,I wonder what Ghandi ate before his fast.,JERRY,I heard he used to polish off a box of Triscuits.
ELAINE,Really?,JERRY,"Oh, yeah. Ghandi loved Triscuits."
GINA,Its Gina.,JERRY,Who?
GINA,Martines girl friend.,JERRY,Martine?
GINA,You next door neighbour.,JERRY,"Oh, Martin!"
GEORGE,Its Martine. I think hes dying. He tried to kill himself with pills.,JERRY,What?
GINA,Come on.,JERRY,In my pajamas? I better get my robe.
GINA,We dont have enough time.,JERRY,Itll take two seconds.
GINA,There is no time.,JERRY,We dont have two seconds?
GINA,All right. Go ahead.,JERRY,"Nah, forget it."
GINA,"No, go ahead.",JERRY,Nah. Ill just wear the pajamas.
GINA,Will you just get it.,JERRY,Are you sure?
GINA,Forget it. Come on.,JERRY,"Nah, Ill go get the robe."
GINA,You know why he did this? Because I told him it was over. I did not want to see him anymore.,JERRY,Really? Its over?
GINA,"I could not stand it another minute. Yesterday he turned over a mans hot dog stand because he thought the man was looking at me. And then after he saw you in the hall. Ach, he was crazy with jealousy.",JERRY,"Oh boy, did he say anything about me?"
GINA,He does not like you. And all indications are he does not like Drakes Coffee Cake.,JERRY,He said that?
GINA,He was screaming about it all night. How its too sweet and it falls apart when you eat it.,JERRY,Im sorry if I caused any trouble. I was just being friendly.
GINA,I wasnt.,JERRY,You werent?
GINA,"No, I have thought about you many times. Have you thought about me?",JERRY,Of course.
GINA,Tell me everything.,JERRY,"Are you sure he cant hear anything? . . .MARTIN, MARTIN."
GINA,I wish he was not in a coma. I wish he was dead. I wish I could pull the plug out from him.,JERRY,"I, would, I would wait on that. I know how you feel but. Juries today, you never know how theyre going to look at a thing like this."
GINA,I saw you looking at your watch. You want to leave? Go ahead.,JERRY,"No, I just wanted to see what time it was."
GINA,Are you afraid of him?,JERRY,No.
GINA,Then kiss me.,JERRY,Here?
GINA,"Yes, right here.",JERRY,Is this the proper venue?
GINA,You dont want to?,JERRY,"No, no, I want to. I, I very much want to. I, I desire to. I, I pine to."
GINA,Then kiss me right in front of him.,JERRY,I cant. What if he wakes up?
GINA,A man is lying here unconscious and youre afraid of him? What kind of a man are you?,JERRY,"A man who respects a good comma. If it was one of those in and out comas, maybe. But when a guys got a coma going like this  you dont want to mess with it."
KRAMER,Did you hear about Martin?,JERRY,"Yeah, I heard."
KRAMER,Hes got my vacuum cleaner. You know I loaned it to him. He never returned it. The carpets are filthy. What am I going to do?,JERRY,Who told you about Martin?
KRAMER,"Hes got all of my attachments, you know.",JERRY,"Hey, let me ask you something. How long do you have to wait for a guy to come out of a coma before you can ask his ex-girlfriend out?"
KRAMER,"What, Gina? Why wait? Why not just call Doctor Kavorkian?",JERRY,You know I dont get that whole suicide machine. Theres no tall buildings where these people live? They cant wrap their lips around a revolver like a normal person?
KRAMER,So whats going on between you and Gina?,JERRY,"Well, I went with her to the hospital last night."
KRAMER,"Uh, uh.",JERRY,So were in the room and shes trying to get me to kiss her right in front of him.
KRAMER,"Uh, uh, you see thats the great thing about Mediterranean women. All right, so what did you do?",JERRY,Nothing.
KRAMER,"Ah, what kind of a man are you? The guy is unconscious in a coma and you dont have the guts to kiss his girlfriend?",JERRY,I didnt know what the coma etiquette was.
KRAMER,"There is no coma etiquette. You see thats the beauty of the coma, man. It doesnt matter what you do around it.",JERRY,"So youre saying, his girl, his car, his clothes, its all up for grabs. You can just loot the coma victim."
KRAMER,"Id give him 24 hours to get out of it. They cant get out of it in 24 hours, its a land rush.",JERRY,"So if the coma victim wakes up in a month, hes thrilled, he got out of the coma. He goes home, theres nothing left?"
GINA,I do not like your toothbrush. There are no bristles.,JERRY,You can say what you want about me but Ill be damned if Im going to stand here while you insult my toothbrush.
GINA,It is too small for someone with such a big mouth (kisses Kerry). Let me ask you. What will you do if Martine wakes up? Run away like a mouse?,JERRY,"No, more like the Three Stooges at the end of every movie."
GINA,Who are these Stooges you speak of?,JERRY,Theyre a comedy team.
GINA,Tell me about them. Everything.,JERRY,"Well, theyre three kind of funny looking guys and they hit each other a lot."
GINA,You will show me The Stooges?,JERRY,I will show you The Stooges.
GINA,When?,JERRY,"Well, I dont really know where The Stooges are right now but if I locate them you will be the first to know."
GINA,"Come, you walk me to a cab.",JERRY,"Well, uh, I uh, I dont want you to get upset or anything but uh, with Martin and all, well maybe its not such a good idea for us to be seen together in the building, because, you know, he had a lot of friends here."
GINA,Youre still afraid. You are not a man.,JERRY,Well then what are all those ties and sport jackets doing in my closet?
GINA,Are you going to walk me to a cab or not?,JERRY,"Yeah, all right. All right."
NEWMAN,Hello Gina. Hello Jerry.,JERRY,Hello Newman.
ELAINE,(jumps with fear to Jerry) Did you see that wall move?,JERRY,"Boy, its a good thing we came."
NURSE,Well call you.,JERRY,"George, I want you to promise me something. If Im ever in a comma. In the first 24 hours get everything out of my apartment and put it in storage."
GEORGE,How come?,JERRY,Looters.
ELAINE,How do we know that dog food is any good? Who tastes it?,JERRY,Shes really hungry.
KRAMER,I wouldnt set foot in your house.,JERRY,Hello.
NEWMAN,Hello Jerry.,JERRY,Hows he doing?
NEWMAN,I hope he stays this happy when he wakes up.,JERRY,Why wouldnt he?
NEWMAN,No reason.,JERRY,"Hell have a lot of catching up to do, I guess."
NEWMAN,Ill bring him up to date.,JERRY,How up to date?
NEWMAN,"Oh, all the way up.",JERRY,And nothing could change your mind?
NEWMAN,"I dont care much for the beach. I freckle. . . . Is that a,..",JERRY,Drakes Coffee Cake
NEWMAN,"Wow, where did you get that?",JERRY,From my house. I got a whole box of them.
NEWMAN,"Boy, thats the full size.",JERRY,Thats your big boy.
NEWMAN,Can I have a bite?,JERRY,I dont give out bites. I got another one. But Im saving it for later.
NEWMAN,Just one bite?,JERRY,"I dont think so. You know they, theyre so fragile."
NEWMAN,All right! All right. I wont say anything.,JERRY,You swear?
NEWMAN,I swear.,JERRY,On your mothers life?
NEWMAN,"Jerry, you better stop her or Ill tell.",JERRY,Elaine! No! No!
KRAMER,I want my vacuum cleaner!,JERRY,Hey!
NEWMAN,It was disgusting.,JERRY,What are you doing? Were going out to dinner in ten minutes.
GEORGE,I never assisted in a birth before. Its really quite disgusting.,JERRY,What did she name the kid?
GEORGE,Hey.,JERRY,Hey.
KRAMER,"George, I would like to thank you for the greatest four days I ever spent in my life.",JERRY,osh.
KRAMER,They were shooting the Sports Illustrated swim suit issue right in the hotel pool.,JERRY,Woah. (hitting George)
KRAMER,Not only that but at the hotel they opened up this area on the beach for nude bathing and all of the Sports Illustrated models went down there.,JERRY,Wow! (hitting George)
KRAMER,I was on the next blanket from Elle McPherson,JERRY,Oh! (hitting George)
KRAMER,We played Backgammon in the nude.,JERRY,Oh! (hitting George)
KRAMER,Shes a sweet kid.,JERRY,Nude backgammon with swimsuit models!
KRAMER,Whats this?,JERRY,"Oh, its an invitation to a house warming from Martin and Gina."
KRAMER,They moved in together?,JERRY,"Yeah, its some place down in the village."
KRAMER,Phew.,JERRY,Yeah.
ELAINE,Its Elaine.,JERRY,All right were coming down.
KRAMER,"Hey, where ya going?",JERRY,"Were taking Elaine to dinner. Shes got to start the fast again. Um, you want to go?"
GEORGE,"Why even try anymore? There's no sense to it. I'm never gonna meet anybody, I should just accept it.",JERRY,"Oh, yes you will."
GEORGE,"No, I won't.",JERRY,"Yeah, maybe you won't."
GEORGE,"I mean it's hard enough to meet a woman you dislike, much less like.",JERRY,Are my nostrils getting bigger?
GEORGE,I mean it's gotten to the point where I'm flirting with operators on the phone. I almost made a date with one.,JERRY,"Oh, so there's still hope."
GEORGE,"I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. When you're hopeless, you don't care, and when you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive.",JERRY,"Oh, so hopelessness is the key."
CYNTHIA,"Um, order me a piece of cake. I'm gonna go throw up.",JERRY,"Look at my hands. Look. Filthy from the paper. You know, they should give you a Wet-nap when you buy one, like at those rib joints."
ELAINE,So what'd you do last night?,JERRY,"Went out with George, you?"
ELAINE,Went out with Cynthia.,JERRY,How was it? What'd you talk about?
ELAINE,"Well, you know, the usual; The Federal Reserve, the rainforest. Cynthia thought we should nuke the rainforest, you know, get rid of it in one fell swoop so we can at least eliminate it as a subject of conversation. What about you?",JERRY,"We brushed on that. Actually, George was in rare form. He just can't find anybody."
ELAINE,"I know, Cynthia too. She's really given up.",JERRY,George too.
JERRY AND ELAINE (together),"Yeah, right.",JERRY,I've never fixed anybody up.
ELAINE,"Uh, me neither and I am not about to start with George.",JERRY,Well why wouldn't you start with George? You think she's too good for George?
ELAINE,"I didn't say 'too good', did I say 'too good'?",JERRY,Well you implied it.
ELAINE,I didn't say it.,JERRY,"Because if you think she's too good for George, you are dead wrong. Dead wrong. Who is she?"
ELAINE,Who is he?,JERRY,He's George!
ELAINE,She's Cynthia!,JERRY,So what?
ELAINE,"What, you don't think she's beautiful?",JERRY,"I don't know, what's with the eyebrows?"
ELAINE,You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high.,JERRY,I went out with you.
ELAINE,"That's because my standards are too low. And by the way, you know, women kill for eyebrows like that. Do you know that? I mean women pluck their real eyebrows out of their head, one by one, until they're bald, Jerry. Bald above the eyes! And then they paint in these eyebrows to look like that.",JERRY,"Well let me tell you something about George. He is fast. He can run like the wind. And he's strong. I've seen him lift a hundred pounds over his head without even knowing it. And you wouldn't know it to look at him, but George can bait a hook."
ELAINE,He can really do that?,JERRY,"Come on, let's do it, I think they'll really get along."
ELAINE,"What, are you into this?",JERRY,"Yeah, come on, it's a good match."
ELAINE,"No, wait a minute, wait a minute. They're gonna be telling us how their dates went. Are we gonna share that information?",JERRY,Naturally.
ELAINE,"Well, wait a minute, we're gonna tell each other everything, I mean every secret?",JERRY,Everything.
GEORGE,Out of the question. Out of the question!,JERRY,Why?
GEORGE,"No! I'm not gonna do that! That's one step away from personal ads! And prostitutes! No! No, I am not going down that road! What does she look like?",JERRY,She's good looking.
GEORGE,How good looking?,JERRY,Very good looking.
GEORGE,Really good looking?,JERRY,Really very good looking.
GEORGE,Would you take her out?,JERRY,"Yes, I would take her out."
GEORGE,"Oh, you hesitated.",JERRY,What hesitate? I didn't hesitate!
GEORGE,"No, something's off here, you hesitated.",JERRY,"I'm telling you, she's good looking."
GEORGE,"What about the body, what kind of body?",JERRY,"Good body, nice body."
GEORGE,How nice?,JERRY,Nice.
GEORGE,Just nice?,JERRY,Pretty nice.
GEORGE,Really good?,JERRY,Really very nice and good.
GEORGE,What about personality?,JERRY,Good personality. Funny. Bright.
GEORGE,Smarter than me? I don't want anyone smarter than me.,JERRY,How could she be smarter than you?
GEORGE,What kind of hair?,JERRY,"You know, long dark hair."
GEORGE,Flowing?,JERRY,Flowing?
GEORGE,"Is it flowing? I like flowing, cascading hair. Thick lustrous hair is very important to me.",JERRY,"'Thick lustrous hair is very important to me,' is that what you said?"
GEORGE,"Yeah, that's right.",JERRY,Just clarifying.
GEORGE,Let me ask you this. If you stick your hand in the hair is it easy to get it out?,JERRY,Do you want to be able to get it out or do you want to not be able to get it out?
GEORGE,I'd like to be able to get it out.,JERRY,I think you'll get it out.
GEORGE,"What about the skin? I need a good cheek, I like a good cheek.",JERRY,She's got a fine cheek.
GEORGE,Is there a pinkish hue?,JERRY,A pinkish hue?
GEORGE,"Yes, a rosy glow.",JERRY,"There's a hue. She's got great eyebrows, women kill to have her eyebrows."
GEORGE,"Who cares about eyebrows? Is she sweet? I like sweet. But not too sweet, you could throw up from that.",JERRY,I don't think you'll throw up. *She* likes to throw up.
GEORGE,"We had an incredible phone conversation. We talked for like twenty minutes. I threw away my notes in the middle of the call. You know, I thought she had a great voice timbre. Is it timbre or tamber?",JERRY,I think it's tamber.
GEORGE,"Why'd I think it was timbre? Yeah, she could do voiceover commercials, why didn't you tell me about her voice?",JERRY,I didn't notice the voice.
GEORGE,It's mellifluous!,JERRY,"So, Saturday night."
ELAINE,What?,JERRY,She could have mentioned the conversation.
KRAMER,"You know my friend, Bob Sacamano?",JERRY,"Oh, the guy from Jersey?"
KRAMER,"Oh, well... Come on, take some, Jerry. Grab 'em.",JERRY,"No thanks, they look like they came out of a cereal box."
GEORGE,I'll take one. It's possible.,JERRY,"So where are they already, it's a quarter to twelve, they should be back by now, what did they do?"
ELAINE,I think they went out to dinner.,JERRY,"Wait, I got another call. That must be him. [clicks over] Hello?"
GEORGE,"Yeah, it's me, I just got home.",JERRY,"Oh, hold on. [clicks back] It's George, he just got home."
ELAINE,"Yeah, yeah, I got Cynthia on the other line.",JERRY,"Alright, I'll call you back as soon as I'm done."
ELAINE,Remember our pact. Full disclosure.,JERRY,"Of course. [clicks back to George] Yeah, go ahead."
GEORGE,"Alright look, I'm gonna tell you, but I made a pact with Cynthia, we swore we were not going to tell you and Elaine.",JERRY,"You can tell me, I'll vault it."
GEORGE,It's in the vault?,JERRY,I'm locking the vault. What?
GEORGE,We had sex.,JERRY,"Oh my god, you had sex, how did that happen?"
GEORGE,I don't know. I closed my eyes and made a move.,JERRY,At your apartment?
GEORGE,Yeah.,JERRY,She didn't stay over?
ELAINE,"Yeah, ok. [clicks over] Hello?",JERRY,"So, what did she have to say?"
ELAINE,What did he have to say?,JERRY,He said they had a good time.
ELAINE,Her too.,JERRY,"Oh, good."
ELAINE,Anything else?,JERRY,Nope. You?
ELAINE,Nope.,JERRY,You sure?
ELAINE,Yup. You?,JERRY,Yeah.
ELAINE,"Alright. Well uh, guess everything is under control.",JERRY,Yeah. Okay then.
ELAINE,Alright. Goodnight.,JERRY,Goodnight.
GEORGE,"I left three messages. I can't believe this woman. She has sex with me, leaves ten minutes later then I never hear from her again. What kind of a person does this? I mean, she used me. I feel cheap and violated.",JERRY,"Well, I'm gonna do something about this."
GEORGE,What are you gonna do?,JERRY,"Nevermind. Disgraceful. Leaves you sitting there on the kitchen floor like some kind of roach trap. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Sir, whatever. She's not going to get away with this."
GEORGE,"I keep wracking my brain to try and figure out what I did. I was smart, I was funny, I made great small talk with the waitress so she could see I could relate to the commoners, you know, I'm a man of the people.",JERRY,I'm gonna call her.
GEORGE,"No, don't call her.",JERRY,"No, I'm calling her."
GEORGE,"No, Jerry, don't call.",JERRY,"No, forget it, I'm gonna call."
GEORGE,I don't want you to call.,JERRY,"Get away from me, I'm gonna call her."
GEORGE,Give me the phone!,JERRY,"George, do you wanna fight? Do you wanna fight?"
KRAMER,"Hey hey hey!! Come on! Jerry, George, now stop it!",JERRY,I'll just call her when you leave!
GEORGE,"You can't do that, it's none of your business!",JERRY,It is so my business!
GEORGE,No.,JERRY,"Yeah, but--"
KRAMER,"Yeah yeah! You see, this is exactly what they want to do to you. They play one against the other. You can't let them manipulate you like that.",JERRY,But Kramer--
GEORGE,What do you mean you didn't think I wasn't gonna use them?!,JERRY,"Take it easy, you guys, just spread out! Don't worry about it, if anything was wrong she would have called you already!"
ELAINE,Just a hunch.,JERRY,Ow! Ow! Twist off! Twist off! Twist off!
ELAINE,No thanks.,JERRY,So tell me. What's the problem with your little flaky friend? She doesn't return calls?
ELAINE,Who are you to talk about her like that? She'll call him when she's good and ready. You don't even know her.,JERRY,"Oh, I know her. I know her type."
ELAINE,Her type? What type?,JERRY,"The type that doesn't return phone calls. I knew we shouldn't have done this, it was a bad idea in the first place, I told you!"
ELAINE,"You told me? You pushed this whole thing on me, it was your idea!",JERRY,"I was just trying to help your bitter, twisted friend."
ELAINE,She's not bitter!,JERRY,"Well, bitter's a judgement call, but she's twisted!"
ELAINE,"Twisted? God, I did you a favor.",JERRY,"I thought you said they had a good time, is there anything else you're keeping from me?"
ELAINE,Are you calling me a liar?,JERRY,"I'm calling you one if you are one, are you a liar?"
ELAINE,Are you?,JERRY,Get your finger out of my face.
ELAINE,"You get yours out, I was here first!",JERRY,I don't care.
ELAINE,I knew those condoms were defective!,JERRY,How did you know they were defective?!
ELAINE,What happened?,JERRY,Acting.
ELAINE,Very mature.,JERRY,Thank you. Hi Cynthia.
CYNTHIA,Hi.,JERRY,Well this is a great place to sit you got here.
GEORGE,"(hitting Cynthia playfully with a napkin) Stop it, stop it.",JERRY,So what are these?
GEORGE,Me? It wasn't me I never even saw the ball. All you do is dribble.,JERRY,"I have to dribble, if I give it to you, you just shoot. You're a chucker."
GEORGE,Oh I'm a chucker.,JERRY,"That's right, everytime you get the ball you shoot."
GEORGE,"I can't believe you called me a chucker. No way I'm a chucker, I do not chuck, never chucked, never have chucked, never will chuck, no chuck!",JERRY,You chuck.
GEORGE,All these years I've been chuckin' and you've never told me?,JERRY,Well it's not an easy thing to bring up.
KRAMER,Hey you know this is the first time we've ever seen each other naked.,JERRY,Believe me I didn't see anything.
KRAMER,"Oh, you didn't sneak a peak?",JERRY,"No, did you?"
KRAMER,"Yeah, I snuck a peak.",JERRY,Why?
GEORGE,"yeah, I ... I snuck a peak. ... But it was so fast I didn't see anything. It was just a blur.",JERRY,I made a conscious effort not to look. There's certain information I just don't want to have.
KRAMER,"Uh, I gotta go meet Newman. All right. I'll see you later.",JERRY,All right
KRAMER,Have a good one.,JERRY,All right
GEORGE,look at this guy. Does he have to stretch in here?,JERRY,You know who that is? That's
GEORGE,Keith Hernandez? The baseball player?,JERRY,"Yeah, that's him."
GEORGE,Are you sure?,JERRY,Positive.
GEORGE,"Wow, Keith Hernandez. He's such a great player.",JERRY,"Yeah, he's a real smart guy too. He's a Civil War buff."
GEORGE,I'd love to be a Civil War buff. ... What do you have to do to be a buff,JERRY,So Biff wants to be a buff? ... Well sleeping less than 18 hours a day would be a start.
GEORGE,ho ho ho ho. You know I only got two weeks left of unemployment. I got to prove I've been looking for a job to get an extension,JERRY,"Hey, should we say something to him?"
GEORGE,"Oh, yeah I'm sure he loves to hear from fans in the locker room.",JERRY,well he could say hello to me. I wouldn't mind.
GEORGE,He's Keith Hernandez. You're Jerry Seinfeld.,JERRY,So?
GEORGE,"What are you comparing yourself to Keith Hernandez. The guys a baseball player Jerry, Baseball!",JERRY,I know what he is. I recognized him. You didn't even notice him.
KEITH,"Excuse me. I don't want to disturb you, I'm Keith Hernandez and I just want to tell you what a big fan I am. I love your comedy.",JERRY,Really?
KEITH,I've always wanted to do what you do.,JERRY,What I do? You are one of my favorite ball players of all time
KEITH,I love that bit about Jimmy Olson,JERRY,Thank you.
KEITH,(to Jerry) Do you perform anywhere in new York right now?,JERRY,I'm performing in this club on the east Side. You should come in.
KEITH,"You know, I live on the East Side.",JERRY,"I'll tell you what, I'll give you my number and uh, just give me a call, tell me whenever you want to go."
KEITH,or maybe just to get together for a cup of coffee,JERRY,Oh. that would be great.
KEITH,Who's this chucker?,JERRY,It's been three days and he hasn't called.
ELAINE,Well maybe you should call him.,JERRY,I can't ... I can't
ELAINE,Why not?,JERRY,I don't know. I just feel he should call me.
ELAINE,What's the difference?,JERRY,"You don't understand, Elaine. I don't want to be overanxious. If he wants to see me he has my number, he should call."
ELAINE,"Yech, look at this ashtray. I hate cigarettes.",JERRY,I can't stand these guys. You give your number to them and then they don't call. Why do they do that?
ELAINE,I'm sorry honey.,JERRY,"I mean, I thought he liked me. I really thought he liked me. we were getting along. He came over to me I didn't go over to him."
ELAINE,"No,",JERRY,Why did he come over to me if he didn't want to see me?
ELAINE,I know.,JERRY,"What did he come over to me if he didn't want to see me? I mean here I meet this guy this great guy, a baseball player, best guy I ever met in my life. .. Well that's it. I'm never giving my number out to another guy again."
ELAINE,Sometimes I've given my number out to guys and it takes them a month to call.,JERRY,"Hu, good, good,... well if he's calling in a month he's got a prayer!"
ELAINE,You know maybe he's been busy. Maybe he's been out of town?,JERRY,"Oh, they don't have phones out of town? Why do(?) people say they're too busy. Too busy. Pick up a phone!! It takes two minutes. How can you be too busy?"
ELAINE,Why don't you just go ahead and call him?,JERRY,"I can't call here, it's a coffee shop. I mean what am I going to say to him?"
ELAINE,Just ask him if he wants a to get together.,JERRY,For what dinner?
ELAINE,Dinner's good.,JERRY,Don't you think that's coming on a little too strong? .. Isn't that like a turn off?
ELAINE,"Jerry, He's A GUY!",JERRY,... this is all .. very confusing.
KRAMER,"(loungingly talking on phone) It's a par five. So you know I step up to the tee and I hit a beautiful drive right down the middle of the fairway. I mean you know my hook, right?",JERRY,"Elaine, how about this shirt? Is this okay?"
KRAMER,"Yeah, I'll talk to Jerry. Yeah, [Hangs up] . . . you know that was Michael and Carol. She's wondering when we're going to come over and see the baby.",JERRY,"Oh, see the baby again with the baby.."
ELAINE,Who are they?,JERRY,"Uh, he's this guy who used to live in the building and they keep calling us to see the baby."
ELAINE,You know if you waited a few more months it won't be a baby anymore then you wouldn't have to see it.,JERRY,uh uh because then it would be all grown up.
ELAINE,yeah ha ha ha,JERRY,Hey Kramer what do you think of this shirt?
KRAMER,What guy?,JERRY,I know he's just a guy but .. I LIKE him.
KRAMER,Who are you talkin about?,JERRY,"Uh, Keith uh Hernandez."
GEORGE,"No, no! You can't throw me out",JERRY,Hellooo Newman.
ELAINE,Wow! What a story.,JERRY,Unfortunately the immutable laws of physics contradict the whole premise of your account. Allow me to reconstruct this if I may for Miss Benes as I've heard this story a number of times.
NEWMAN,Well that's the way it happened.,JERRY,What happened to your head when you got hit?
KRAMER,"Well. uh, well my head went back and to the left",JERRY,Again
KRAMER,Back and to the left,JERRY,Back and to the left Back and to the left
ELAINE,"So, what are you saying?",JERRY,I am saying that the spit could not have come from behind ... that there had to have been a second spitter behind the bushes on the gravelly road. If the spitter was behind you as you claimed that would have caused your head to pitch forward.
ELAINE,So the spit could have only come from the front and to the right.,JERRY,But that is not what they would have you believe.
KRAMER,"Wait, wait, (Exits)",JERRY,The sad thing is we may never know the real truth.
GEORGE,(Frantically) Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay industries?,JERRY,No. What happened to you?
GEORGE,"Now, listen closely. I was at the unemployment office and I told them that I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries and I gave them your phone number. So, when now when the phone rings you've got to answer ""Vandelay Industries"".",JERRY,I'm Vandelay Industries?
GEORGE,Right.,JERRY,And what is that?
GEORGE,You're in latex,JERRY,Latex? And what do I do with latex?
ELAINE,Here in this little apartment?,JERRY,And what do I say about you?
GEORGE,You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman.,JERRY,I'm going to hire you as my latex salesman?
GEORGE,Right.,JERRY,I don't think so. Why would I do that?
GEORGE,Because I asked you to.,JERRY,"If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk pushing papers around, you can forget it. I have enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff."
KRAMER,It's Keith.,JERRY,All right we're coming down.
GEORGE,KEITH HERNANDEZ?,JERRY,"Yeah, come on Elaine, lets go."
ELAINE,He's giving me a ride You know there had to have been a second spitter. But who was it? Who had the motive?,JERRY,That's what I've been trying to figure out the past five years.
GEORGE,What the hell are you two talking about? (All exit),JERRY,"Well that was really fun, thanks."
JERRY(MIND),Should I shake his hand?,JERRY,"Well, ..."
KEITH,"UH, do you want to catch a movie this weekend? Have you seen JFK?",JERRY,"No, I haven't."
JERRY(MIND),This weekend. WOW!,JERRY,"Sure, that would be great."
JERRY(MIND),"Damn, I was too overanxious, he must have noticed that.",JERRY,"I mean, ... if you want to."
KEITH,"Well, how about this Friday?",JERRY,"Yeah, Friday's okay."
JERRY(MIND),Go ahead shake his hand. You're Jerry Seinfeld. You've been on the Tonight Show.,JERRY,"Well, good night [holds hand out and shakes hand]"
KEITH,"Goodnight. Oh, Jer, by the way, the woman we gave a ride to earlier tonight,",JERRY,Elaine?
KEITH,Yeah. What's her story?,JERRY,"Uh, I don't know, we used to go out."
KEITH,Would you mind if I gave her a call?,JERRY,For a date?
KEITH,Yeah.,JERRY,"Oh, no, uh, go ahead. You got a pen?"
KEITH,You sure you don't mind?,JERRY,.... (silence)
GEORGE,Who paid?,JERRY,We split it.
GEORGE,Split it. Pretty good. Talk about game six?,JERRY,"Naw, I gotta wait until its just the right time."
ELAINE,It's Elaine.,JERRY,Come on up.
GEORGE,So then what?,JERRY,"Uh, nuthin'. Then he took me home."
GEORGE,Shake his hand?,JERRY,(smiling) Yeah
GEORGE,What kind of a shake does he have?,JERRY,"Good shake. Perfect shake. Single pump, not too hard, you know, doesn't have to prove anything, but, you know, firm enough to know he was there."
GEORGE,"So, uh, you gonna see him again?",JERRY,He asked me if I was doing anything Friday night.
GEORGE,Wow! The weekend.,JERRY,"So then as I was getting out of the car, ..."
ELAINE,HI,JERRY,Hi Elaine.
ELAINE,"Sooo, how was your date?",JERRY,What date? It's a GUY.
ELAINE,"So you know , ... he called me.",JERRY,Already?
ELAINE,Do you mind?,JERRY,I don't mind at all. Why should I mind? What did he say?
ELAINE,He asked me out for Saturday night.,JERRY,"Oh, ya' going?"
ELAINE,I told him I was busy.,JERRY,"Ah, really."
ELAINE,"So, we're going out Friday.",JERRY,Friday?
ELAINE,yeah.,JERRY,He's going' out with you on Friday?
ELAINE,Yeah.,JERRY,He's supposed to see ME on Friday.
ELAINE,"Oh, uh, I didn't know.",JERRY,We made plans.
ELAINE,"Well, uh, I'll cancel it.",JERRY,"No, don't cancel it."
ELAINE,"Huh. Well this is a little awkward, isn't it/",JERRY,"Well, frankly it is."
ELAINE,I've never seen you jealous before.,JERRY,Well you're not even a fan. I was at game six - you didn't even watch it.
ELAINE,"Wait a second wait a minute, You jealous of him or you jealous of me?",JERRY,Any Hennigans around here?
ELAINE,"(quietly) No, no, no, I can cancel.",JERRY,"Sure, we can do something next week."
ELAINE,(quietly) I can cancel.,JERRY,"No, its no problem at all."
ELAINE,"(quietly) I,...",JERRY,"Okay, take it easy. (hangs up) That was Keith. we're going to do something next week."
KRAMER,Hey,JERRY,Hey what are you doing Friday night?
KRAMER,"Okay, wanna come with me and see the baby?",JERRY,Fasten your seat belts. we're goin' to see the baby.
KRAMER,"Come on, if you don't see the baby now you're never gonna see it",JERRY,"All right, I'll go"
KRAMER,"no problem, ... no problem. [Hangs up] ... How did YOU know who that was?",JERRY,And you want to be my latex salesman.
KRAMER,(to baby) Koochie koochie koochie koo,JERRY,(to baby) Hello. How are you/
CAROL,"So, wadda ya' think? Do you love her?",JERRY,Yes. I do love her. (to baby) You have a very nice place here.
CAROL,What? Lyndon Johnson?,JERRY,He's joking.
CAROL,"Jerry, I can't believe it took you so long to come see the baby. I kept saying to Michael, ""When is Jerry going to see the baby?""",JERRY,I was saying the same thing.
CAROL,"Let's take a picture. Michael, get the camera.",JERRY,"Uh, you don't have to take a picture."
CAROL,It's in the bottom draw' of are dressa'. Hurry up!  He's such an idiot.,JERRY,"Jerry, You want to pick her up?"
ELAINE,"Uh, who else?  Mookie. Mookie was there. Do you know him?",JERRY,I don't know him. I know who he is.
ELAINE,"Hum, he's such a great guy. You should meet him. You know he's the one who got that hit",JERRY,"I know. He got the hit in game SIX. So, so then what happened?"
ELAINE,Nuthin'. Then he took me home.,JERRY,"So, did you two, uh,  have uh,"
ELAINE,What?!,JERRY,You know
ELAINE,Milk?,JERRY,No!
ELAINE,Cookies?,JERRY,Did he kiss you good night?
ELAINE,I dunno.,JERRY,What do you mean you don't know?
ELAINE,All right. He kissed me. Okay?,JERRY,"Well, what kind of a kiss? Was it a peck? Was it a kiss? Was it a long make out thing?"
ELAINE,Between a peck and a make out.,JERRY,"So, you like him."
ELAINE,I don't understand. Before you were jealous of me. Now you're jealous of him?,JERRY,"Ah, I'm jealous of everybody."
ELAINE,Who was that?,JERRY,That was Keith.
ELAINE,What's going on?,JERRY,He wants me to help him move.
ELAINE,Help him move? Move what?,JERRY,"You know, furniture."
ELAINE,"So, what did you say?",JERRY,"I said yes, but I don't feel right about it. I mean I hardly know the guy. That's a big step oin a relationship. The biggest. That's like going all the way."
ELAINE,"And you feel you're not really ready for,",JERRY,Well we went out one time. Don't you think that's coming on a little too strong?
KRAMER,What's going on?,JERRY,Keith Hernandez just asked me to help him move.
KRAMER,"What? Well, you hardly know the guy. What a nerve. You see wasn't I right about this guy? Didn't I tell you? Now, you're not going to do it are you?",JERRY,I said yes.
KRAMER,"YOU SAID YES!? Don't you have any pride or self respect? I mean, how can you prostitute yourself like this? I mean what are you going to do? You're going to start driving him to the airport?",JERRY,I'm NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT! ..
KRAMER,yeah yeah,JERRY,hey Kramer do me a favour .
KRAMER,What?,JERRY,Don't mention it to anybody.
ELAINE,"Uh,",JERRY,She likes him I mean she really likes him.
GEORGE,How do you kn ow?,JERRY,Who wouldn't like him? I like him. And I'm a guy.
GEORGE,"I suppose he's an attractive man, I ,",JERRY,Forget that. He's a ball player. MVP< 1979. I'm making wise cracks in some night club. This guy was in game six. They're a perfect match. They like go together. They're like one of these brother and sister couples that look alike.
GEORGE,Hate those couples. I could never bee one of those couples. There are no bald woman around. You know?,JERRY,"You know I know this sounds a little arrogant but I never thought she would find anyone she would like better than me. Ya know, I guess I had my chance and that's that."
GEORGE,You know what I would like to do? I would really like to have sex with a tall woman. I mean really tall. Like a like a giant Like six five.,JERRY,Really?
GEORGE,What was the tallest woman you ever slept with?,JERRY,I don't know  six three.
GEORGE,"Wow,  god! You see this is all I think about. Sleeping with a giant. It's my life's ambition.",JERRY,"So I guess it's fair to say you've set different goals for yourself than say, Thomas Edison, Magellan, these types of people."
GEORGE,Magellan? You like Magellan?,JERRY,"Oh, yeah,. My favourite explorer. Around the world. Come on."
GEORGE,I like DeSoto.,JERRY,DeSoto? What did he do?
GEORGE,Discovered the Mississippi.,JERRY,Oh. like they wouldn't have found that anyway.
GEORGE,"All right, I've got to go down to the unemployment office. Wanna take a walk?",JERRY,No I can't I've got some stuff to do then I've got to meet Keith at my apartment at three. I'm helping him move.
GEORGE,What? The guy asked you to HELP HIM MOVE? Wow.,JERRY,I know isn't that something?
KRAMER,He's got money. Why doesn't he just pay a mover?,JERRY,"I don't know  he's got some valuable antiques, He's worried they'll break something."
GEORGE,"The next thing you know, he'll have you driving him to the airport..",JERRY,I'M NOT DRIVING HIM TO THE AIRPORT!!
KEITH,"Better bring your gloves, it's freezing out there. It shouldn't take too long. I'd say maybe, oh, four hours. Really though, Jerry, there's not that much. First we got the bedroom, we got two dressers and the bed.",JERRY,Is there a box spring?
KEITH,What's that?,JERRY,Is there a box spring?
KEITH,Yeah there's a box spring but it's attached to the headboard and we'll have to take that apart. Then we got the couch.,JERRY,Is that a sectional?
KEITH,Yeah. Twelve pieces. <not clear> coffee table.,JERRY,Is that a thick marble?
KEITH,Three inches thick. Got it in Italy. But the BIG problem is going to be the convertible sofa. You see when you move it it tends to open up so it's going to be real difficult getting it down the stairs.,JERRY,STAIRS??? There's no elevator?
KEITH,"Nah, it's a brownstone. Three floors.",JERRY,"I'm sorry I can't do this. I can't do it. I can't. It, it's too soon. I don't know you. I can't help you move. I'm sorry. I can't. I just can't."
KEITH,"Well lookit, the way I remember it (back to the grainy 8mm film parody) I was walking up the ramp. I was upset about the game. That's when you called me pretty boy. It ticked me off. I started to turn around to say something and as I turned around I saw Roger McDowell behind the bushes over by that gravely road.  Anyway he was talking to someone and they were talking to you. I tried to scream out but it was too late. It was already on its way.",JERRY,I told you!
NEWMAN,"Wow, it was McDowell.",JERRY,But why? Why McDowell?
KRAMER,No sweat.,JERRY,"Hello,  oh hi Elaine .. what's going on  no he just left  you broke up with him?  ME TOO .. what happened?  oh smoking you know you're like going out with C. Everet Coope  me  nah  I couldn't go through with it  I just didn't feel ready  so what are you doing now?  Oh, great idea, I'll meet you there in like thirty minutes. Okay bye."
GEORGE,"Keith, Keith Wa What happened? Where's Keith?",JERRY,You just missed him. he just left. What do you need him for?
GEORGE,"(out the window) Keith, Keith, up here. Can you do me a favor? I need you to go to the unemployment office with me. I, I'm Jerry's friend  the guy from the locker room,  I'm the chucker. It'll take five minutes. Wait. Wait.",JERRY,Well Biff/ What's next?
GEORGE,You know we're living in a society!,JERRY,George.
GEORGE,Jerry. Jerry.,JERRY,"Sorry, the flight was delayed, how long've you been waiting?"
GEORGE,I just got here. My car broke down on the Belt Parkway.,JERRY,Oh I can't believe-- why don't you get rid of that piece of junk.
GEORGE,"One mile from the exit it starts shaking, really violently shaking, like it's having a nervous breakdown. It completely stopped dead.",JERRY,So you have no car?
GEORGE,No.,JERRY,So what good are you?
GEORGE,How do you know?,JERRY,"He was in Chicago, the flight was overbooked, wouldn't let him on the plane. He kept screaming how he had to get to Madison Square Garden."
GEORGE,We should take his limo.,JERRY,"Yeah, right."
GEORGE,"Wait a second. Think about it. He's not showing up. Wait till you see the line of cabs, its like forty-five minutes long. You said he's in Chicago.",JERRY,He's definitely in Chicago.
GEORGE,Well the guy's just standing there.,JERRY,How would we do it?
GEORGE,"We just go up to him, we say, ""We're O'Brien.""",JERRY,Maybe he knows O'Brien?
GEORGE,"No, he doesn't know O'Brien, if he knew O'Brien he wouldn't have a sign. Let's just do it.",JERRY,What if we get caught?
GEORGE,What's gonna happen? They can't kill us.,JERRY,Who's gonna be O'Brien?
GEORGE,I'll be O'Brien.,JERRY,Who am I?
GEORGE,You're you.,JERRY,Just me?
GEORGE,Yeah.,JERRY,Okay.
GEORGE,"What, you don't want to be you?",JERRY,"Well if you're gonna be O'Brien, why can't I be somebody?"
GEORGE,Like who?,JERRY,Dylan Murphy.
GEORGE,Well I like Dylan.,JERRY,You could be Colin.
GEORGE,Colin O'Brien.,JERRY,I'm Dylan Murphy.
GEORGE,Are we really doing this?,JERRY,"Come on,"
GEORGE,Thank you very much. Dylan?,JERRY,Colin?
GEORGE,This is incredible! This is one of the greatest things I've ever done in my life! I'm gonna call my mother.,JERRY,What for?
GEORGE,"I dunno, I'm in a limo. (dials) Hello ma? It's me. Guess where I am. In the back of a limo. No, nobody died. It's a long story, I can't tell you now. Because I can't. I said I can't. If I could, I would. Would you stop it? Alright, look, I'm getting off. No, I'm not telling you! How's this? I'm *never* telling you! I don't care! No! Fine! Never!!",JERRY,She happy for you?
GEORGE,Can he hear us?,JERRY,No. Why?
GEORGE,I thought I saw him look in the mirror suspiciously.,JERRY,He can't hear us.
GEORGE,"Let's test him. Hey, driver. What do you say we stop off, pick up your sister, have a little fun back here? No, he can't hear us.",JERRY,Where's he dropping us? Maybe we can get him to drop us right at my house?
GEORGE,"Of course, the uh, the four passes. (closes partition) Four passes to Madison Square Garden? Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Of course! Chicago! The Knicks are playing the Bulls tonight!",JERRY,What?
GEORGE,We are going to the Knick game! Michael Jordan!,JERRY,We're going to the Knick game!
GEORGE,Did I tell you?! Did I tell you?!,JERRY,I can't believe it! You may have hit with this one!
GEORGE,"You see, you see? I see things as they are and I say, 'no!' Uh, wait, you see things as they are not and you s- Wait, uh, you see things, do you see things as they are? What do you say when you see things?",JERRY,Lemme call Elaine and Kramer.
GEORGE,"If I see things as they are, I would ask 'why' or 'why not?'",JERRY,"Elaine? It's me. What are you doing tonight? Great. George and I have tickets, four free passes to the Knicks-Bulls game, Madison Square Garden. Can you go? Great, listen, call Kramer, tell him to meet us on the corner at seven o'clock. Alright. We're gonna pick you up in a limo. That's right baby-doll. Hey listen, when we pick you up, I'm Murphy and George is O'Brien. I can't tell you now, it's a long story. I am serious. Okay. Okay bye. (opens partition) 'Scuse me, driver, we have to make a little stop first."
GEORGE,Where are we going? Why are we pulling off here?,JERRY,Maybe it's a shortcut.
GEORGE,"We're on the Grand Central, there's no traffic.",JERRY,"(opens partition) 'Scuse me, driver, why are we getting off this exit?"
GEORGE,"Right. The other members of our party. (closes partition) Other members of our party? What other members of our party? I didn't even know we were in a party. Oh, I'm telling you, the jig is up.",JERRY,"It was a bad jig to begin with, we never should have started this jig."
GEORGE,It was a good jig.,JERRY,"It was a bad jig, a terrible terrible jig. What are we gonna do now? They're gonna know you're not O'Brien."
GEORGE,There could be more than one O'Brien on a plane who ordered a limo.,JERRY,"First of all, you don't look like any O'Brien, period."
GEORGE,Well you should have been O'Brien.,JERRY,I don't want to be Murphy anymore; do I still have to be Murphy?
GEORGE,"Yes, you have to be Murphy.",JERRY,"It makes no sense now, me being Murphy."
GEORGE,You're Murphy!,JERRY,I'm Seinfeld!
GEORGE,"You're Murphy!! Look, let's just jump out of the car.",JERRY,We're doing sixty miles an hour!
GEORGE,"So we jump and roll, you won't get hurt.",JERRY,"Who are you, Mannix?"
GEORGE,We're slowing down. Are those the people?,JERRY,"Alright put your hands up over your face, pretend you're sleeping."
WOMAN,(reaches out to Jerry) Mr. O'Brien?,JERRY,"No, I'm, uh, Dylan Murphy. Mr. O'Brien had a long trip, he's sleeping."
EVA,"(whispering) Oh, well I don't want to disturb him. We're just rather excited to meet him face to face, finally. We're faithful readers of his newsletter.",JERRY,Newsletter?
TIM,"And of course, his great book, ""The Game"".",JERRY,"Oh, yes, he's very proud of his work in the big game. So you've never uh, met him before?"
EVA,No.,JERRY,Never seen a picture of him?
EVA,Never.,JERRY,Not even on the book jacket?
EVA,There was no picture on the book jacket.,JERRY,"(nudging George) Hey O'Brien, wake up, c'mon, we got company. Wake up."
KRAMER,Yeah.,JERRY,(checking his watch) I don't think we're gonna make the tip off.
GEORGE,"Well, I was exaggerating a bit, just for effect.",JERRY,He tends to exaggerate.
EVA,"Yes, your secretary faxed me the copy. Would you like to look it over?",JERRY,Well you might as well look it over.
GEORGE,...and the Jews steal our money through their Zionist occupied government and use the black man to bring drugs into our oppressed white minority communities.,JERRY,"You're not going to open with that, are you?"
TIM,"Nothing to worry about, it was just a flat tire. But rest assured, we're prepared to handle anything that might come up.",JERRY,Nice looking Lugar.
DAN,The head of the Aryan Union; O'Brien.,JERRY,What's taking him so long out there?
GEORGE,Didja see the way she was looking at me?,JERRY,"She's a Nazi, George. A Nazi!"
GEORGE,"I know, I know. Kind of a cute Nazi though.",JERRY,"Well we gotta make a plan before they come back, what are we gonna do?"
GEORGE,I don't know.,JERRY,Let's just make a run for it.
GEORGE,"I can't run, I have a bad hamstring.",JERRY,How'd that happen?
GEORGE,I hurt it in a hotel room. You know where they tuck the covers in real tight in those hotel rooms? I can't sleep like that so I tried to kick it out and I pulled it.,JERRY,"I know, why do they make that bed so tight? You gotta sleep with your feet like that."
GEORGE,"Okay, what are we gonna do?",JERRY,I don't know.
GEORGE,"Alright, how's this? We wait till we get to your street corner, we see Elaine and Kramer then we get out. They can't shoot us in the city.",JERRY,Nah. No one's ever been shot in the city.
TIM,And you really don't look like a Murphy.,JERRY,I may not look like a Murphy but I act like a Murphy.
TIM,Where are you from?,JERRY,"Dublin. Originally. Parents came over here when I was eighteen. Cereal famine. Couldn't get a bowl anywhere. Bad. 'Tis a beautiful country though; lush rolling hills, and the peat, ah the peat."
TIM,Sounds more like Scottish.,JERRY,We were right on the border.
GEORGE,What do I do?! What do I do?!,JERRY,Get in the car! Get in the car!
TIM,Why did you call him O'Brien and him Murphy?,JERRY,"No, he was talking to me, he's cross-eyed."
ELAINE,"You know it's bad enough you have a car phone, you have to use the speaker?",JERRY,It's safer! Plus it's more annoying to the other person.
ELAINE,What's goin' on?,JERRY,"Oh there's a guy trying to get in front of me, he has to ask permission. Yes. Go ahead. Get in, get in."
ELAINE,Did you get a thank you wave?,JERRY,"No, nothing. How could you not give a thank you wave? Hey buddy! Where's my thank you wave?"
ELAINE,"Jerry, are you free on Friday?",JERRY,"Yeah, I'm free, why?"
ELAINE,"Ah, God, I bumped into Robin Sandusky today, she asked me to have dinner with her and her husband.",JERRY,"Oh my God! You won't believe what I just saw! A car just bashed into a parked car, and sped off, right on my block!"
ELAINE,You gotta follow that car!,JERRY,What?
ELAINE,You can't let him get away with that!,JERRY,"Elaine, the guy could be dangerous."
ELAINE,"What are you, yellow?",JERRY,I'm not yella. (In a cowboy voice)
ELAINE,"Jerry, if you don't follow him, you're yella.",JERRY,"Wait, he stopped, he's parking."
ELAINE,What? What? I can't hear you. Jerry?,JERRY,"Uh, excuse me, uh, I was uh, driving behind you, uh, a few blocks back, and I, I couldn't help, uh, maybe you didn't realize, uh, I witnessed that, uh, um, you're tire's a little low. That can affect the performance of the twin high-beam suspension, not to mention your rack and pinion steering."
GEORGE,Boy! What a story! I'm speechless. Speechless. I have no speech.,JERRY,"You know, I really liked her. We talked. We flirted. And when she left, she reached out and touched my arm."
GEORGE,I love when they touch your arm. I can't get enough of that. Why is that?,JERRY,Let's not even analyze it.
GEORGE,So you didn't turn her in?,JERRY,I wanted to but I couldn't go through with it.
GEORGE,Gonna see her again?,JERRY,Friday night.
ELAINE,It's me!,JERRY,Come on up.
GEORGE,"Hey, hey, hey! I dig.",JERRY,"Oh, you dig?"
GEORGE,Yes! I see enormous potential here.,JERRY,Why?
GEORGE,Because great couples always have a great story about how they met. That's why I've never been in a long term relationship. I've never had a good meeting story.,JERRY,I wonder if I'm nuts for pursuing this woman at all.
GEORGE,I don't think so.,JERRY,"Look, she slammed into a parked car! She took no responsibility for mutilating the property of a stranger, then she sped off like a criminal!"
ELAINE,Hey!,JERRY,Hi.
ELAINE,Sweater.,JERRY,Thank you.
ELAINE,So? What happened?,JERRY,With that?
ELAINE,With the car!,JERRY,What car?
ELAINE,The hit and run!,JERRY,"Oh, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, the hit and run. Well. Actually, the guy went into Queens."
ELAINE,Queens?! You followed him over the bridge?,JERRY,Over the bridge. (Making a pointing motion with his hand)
GEORGE,"Oh, well I didn't know you went into Queens Jerry.",JERRY,"Yeah, Queens."
ELAINE,So? Then what?,JERRY,"So he gets out of the car, I say, ""Hey buddy! I saw you hit that car!"" So he says to me, ""What are ya gonna do about it?"""
GEORGE,Tell her about the shoving.,JERRY,What?
ELAINE,What shoving?!,JERRY,"Oh, it was nothing."
GEORGE,No! Tell her.,JERRY,"Well he kinda lost his temper, and he was pushing me up against the car. So I went into a karate stance. (Jerry assumes karate position and does two punches)"
ELAINE,You know karate??,JERRY,I know a little.
ELAINE,"Well, this is so, amazing to me! Jerry what did do?",JERRY,He backed off. Pretty pathetic actually.
ELAINE,Did you tell Kramer?,JERRY,"Ah, nah! (Waving his hand and walking away)"
KRAMER,They should be sent to Australia.,JERRY,Australia?
KRAMER,"Yeah, yeah, that's where England used to send their convicts.",JERRY,But not anymore.
ELAINE,"Alright, oh Jerry, we're still on for Friday night, right?",JERRY,"Oh Friday, I can't, I'm sorry, I have a date."
ELAINE,But last night you said you were free! (Sounding very disappointed),JERRY,We just met.
ELAINE,"But I, I can't go alone!",JERRY,Ask George to go with you.
GEORGE,You'll pay? I'm there.,JERRY,Why do you even need anybody?
WOMAN,You know who's a good actor? Anthony Quinn.,JERRY,"Oh, Anthony Quinn, fine actor. But from what I understand, not a very good driver. Hits everything on the road. But always leaves a note."
WOMAN,Did you ever see Zorba the Greek?,JERRY,Excellent film. In fact Quinn said he never felt so good as when he left a note after smacking into a car.
ROBIN,Well I'm not taking your side!,JERRY,"Kirk Douglas. Now there's another very bad driver. But he's such an unbelievable guy, that when he hits someone, he doesn't even leave a note. He sits in his car and waits for the other person to show up so he can exchange license, registration, and apologize."
GEORGE,I said 'God bless you'. Was that so wrong?,JERRY,"The question is, did you allow a space for the husband to come in with his 'God bless you'? Because as the husband, he has the right to first refusal."
ELAINE,It's me.,JERRY,Come on up.
GEORGE,"Yes, yes, I definitely waited. But let me say this Once he passes on that option, that 'God bless you' is up for grabs.",JERRY,"No argument. Unless, she's one of these multiple sneezers, and he's holding his 'God bless you' in abeyance, until she completes the series."
GEORGE,"Well I don't think she is a multiple sneezer, because she sneezed again later, and it was also a single.",JERRY,What if she's having an off night?
ELAINE,Hi!,JERRY,Hi.
ELAINE,What does it mean anyway? 'God bless you'. It's a stupid 'stuperstition'.,JERRY,A stupid what?
ELAINE,Whatever.,JERRY,"You know, if you want to make a person feel better after they sneeze, you shouldn't say 'God bless you', you should say, 'You're soo good lookin''."
ELAINE,"Well I assumed she called to apologize, that's why she called me.",JERRY,Entertainment Tonight's on.
GEORGE,Where's the remote phone?,JERRY,Bedroom.
ELAINE,"Hey, grab Jerry's sweater for me, would you?",JERRY,What's it like out?
ELAINE,Chilly out.,JERRY,Can I take a sweater?
ELAINE,"Yeah, you can take a sweater if you want to.",JERRY,Scarf?
ELAINE,"Nah, hey, shut this off, shut it off.",JERRY,What's the matter? What's going on?
KRAMER,I think I hit my head again!,JERRY,What is wrong?!
GEORGE,"Well she apologized, and then she wanted to know if we could get together Wednesday afternoon.",JERRY,Get together?
ELAINE,"Yeah, it's like hitting a car and driving away without leaving a note.",JERRY,Yeah.
KRAMER,"Hey, you know who owns that car?",JERRY,What car?
KRAMER,The one that was hit a couple of nights ago.,JERRY,Yeah who?
KRAMER,"That blond across the street. You know the one with the long ponytail, she wears those blue sweatpants.",JERRY,"The blond with the blue sweatpants! Yeah, I think I've seen her."
KRAMER,"Wait, wait, wait, how do you know it's not John Tesh?",JERRY,The blond with the blue sweatpants!
GEORGE,"Well, who is she?",JERRY,I've had a crush on this woman for year! I've always been afraid to approach her! She looks like she belongs on one of these Hallmark cards.
GEORGE,"Oh right, right! The blue sweatpants! Gees, it's too bad you can't say anything because of Angela.",JERRY,"Oh yeah. Too bad. Angela. Lousy thug. I mean what kind of sick person does something like that? That woman belongs in prison! I mean, I actually owe it to society to do something about this! I can't sit by and allow this to go on. It's a moral issue is what it is!"
GEORGE,You can't compromise your principles!,JERRY,How am I going to live with myself?!
GEORGE,Can't live!,JERRY,"I'm not religious, but I certainly know where to draw the line!"
GEORGE,This country needs more people like you!,JERRY,"Don't sell yourself short saying 'God bless you' to every Tom, Dick and Harry in great personal risk."
GEORGE,I believe strongly in that as you know.,JERRY,There should be more people like us.
GEORGE,That's why the world's in the shape it's in.,JERRY,You're telling me.
BECKY,Well God bless you.,JERRY,Thank you very much.
ANGELA,"Now you listen to me, suck face! You tell anybody, anything, and I will carve my initials in your brain tissue!",JERRY,Let me rephra-
ANGELA,"I'll bash your skull into a vegematic like a bad cabbage, and I'll have a party on your head!",JERRY,"Hi Elaine, this is Angela."
ANGELA,I'll pluck all your body hairs out with my teeth!,JERRY,Well I think I get the gist of it.
ANGELA,So you don't say anything to anybody about me hitting that car!,JERRY,What car?
ANGELA,Good. I'm glad we understand each other.,JERRY,It's not complicated.
ELAINE,"Well, well, well, Mr. Seinfeld! That must have been so frightening! When you confronted that guy, in Queens! Now, let's just see if I've got this scenario right.",JERRY,Alright Elaine.
ELAINE,"No, no, no, no, no. Because I'm picturing 'French Connection', kind of thing. You know? Sort of a Popeye Doyle chase through the city!",JERRY,It was just a couple of blocks.
GEORGE,You lie! How hard is it to lie?!,JERRY,It's not that hard.
GEORGE,Oh don't-,JERRY,Hold it! Hold it! Hold it people! Matador? What matador?
GEORGE,She told this couple she had an affair with a matador.,JERRY,"A matador! Well, well, well. Uno momento por favor. Pray tell, what was the young man's name?"
ELAINE,"Uh, Eduardo, uh, Carochio.",JERRY,"Eduardo, Carochio! That's good. That's very good. Kind of just rolls of the tongue. I wonder where on the upper west side a single girl might meet a matador? Perhaps Zabars? Or Les Pizza!"
BECKY,"Well, I already got an estimate. It's $875.",JERRY,$875?
BECKY,That's right.,JERRY,"Uh, well, I'll tell you what. Um, I'll give you a check, and then this person can pay me back."
BECKY,Becky Gelke. G-E-L-K-E.,JERRY,"So, what are you doing this weekend?"
BECKY,"You have got some nerve! You smash up my car, you don't admit it, and now you want to ask me out on a date?",JERRY,I didn't do it!
BECKY,Yeah righ-,JERRY,You are soo good lookin'.
GEORGE,"Jerry, let's go! You ready?",JERRY,You sure you want to do this? I'm going to be on the road for three weeks!
GEORGE,"Excuse me, I've got a maniac stalking me, I'm not staying in the city.",JERRY,Alright!
KRAMER,How could you?,JERRY,What?!
KRAMER,Man! I never thought you were capable of this!,JERRY,What did I do?
KRAMER,"I just talked to Becky Gelke outside, she told me how you hit and ran.",JERRY,I-
KRAMER,I don't even want to look at you anymore! All these years of friendship and you're nothing but a felon. You're an embarrassment to the building.,JERRY,I didn't do it! I just had to pay her to cover for somebody else!
KRAMER,"Now you're not going to lie to me, are you?",JERRY,"No, never."
KRAMER,Alright. Well. Glad we got that straightened out because I've got a date with her.,JERRY,You got a date with Becky Gelke?!
KRAMER,"As a matter of fact, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have even had an excuse to talk to her.",JERRY,"Well I'm happy to help, in any way that I can."
GEORGE,"(bursting out of the bathroom, fumbling with his fly) Button fly! Why do they put buttons on a fly? It takes ten minutes to get these things open!",JERRY,I like the button fly.
GEORGE,(incredulous) What?,JERRY,That is one place on my wardrobe I do not need sharp interlocking metal teeth. Its like a mink trap down there. (beat) What are you doing today?
GEORGE,Nothing.,JERRY,"I have to go meet Nina. Want to come up to her lot, check out her paintings?"
GEORGE,I dont get art.,JERRY,Theres nothing to get.
GEORGE,"Well, it always has to be explained to me, and then I have to have someone explain the explanation.",JERRY,She does a lot of abstract stuff. In fact she's painting Kramer right now.
GEORGE,What for?,JERRY,She sees something in him.
GEORGE,"You know, I'm a little nervous.",JERRY,Why?
GEORGE,"Well, you know... the friend meeting the new woman. I feel like I'm getting fixed up for a friendship.",JERRY,I don't know how long this is gonna last.
GEORGE,Really? I thought you liked her.,JERRY,I do... she's got like a jealousy thing. She doesn't like me having fun with anyone but her. (knocks on the door)
GEORGE,"You know, it's a miracle you're not married. (beat) Hey, I'm not obligated to buy anything, am I?",JERRY,"Hi, Nina. (smooch) This is my friend George."
NINA,"How nice to meet you, I've heard a lot about you. (George nods)",JERRY,"(walking over to where Kramer is posing) Hey, look at this guy!"
KRAMER,Yeah!,JERRY,(to Nina) I brought George up to see some of your paintings.
NINA,"Great! Well, take a look around. Pick out something you like. (George reluctantly begins to look around, while Jerry strolls over to the painting-in-progress [Kramer] and picks up a brush.)",JERRY,"May I? (pantomimes making a big ""X"" across the painting)"
NINA,"(laughing) Get outta here! (beat) Here, play with this. (hands Jerry a small white envelope)",JERRY,What's this?
NINA,"My father gave me four tickets to the Yankee game for Saturday afternoon. Owner's box, first row behind the dugout.",JERRY,"(sincerely disappointed) Oh, Saturday... I'm working, I'm going out of town."
KRAMER,(immediately) Yeah.,JERRY,"They're right behind the dugout, George, first row!"
ELAINE,...and then the ball hits him in the head and he falls right over the railing!,JERRY,Is he okay?
ELAINE,"Well, yeah, he's fine! We took him to the emergency room, and you know, the x-rays were all negative. (beat) It was quite a day!",JERRY,This is the most amazing story I've ever heard--why did he want you to take off the baseball cap? That is so insane!
ELAINE,I know! Can you imagine that?,JERRY,How you feeling?
ELAINE,(gasps) I cannot believe this!,JERRY,(pointing) There's George!
NINA,She was a guest of my father's. She should've taken the cap off.,JERRY,It's preposterous! They ask someone to take off a baseball cap at a baseball game. (beat) How can you defend that?
[CUT TO,Jerry and Nina again.],JERRY,"Look, I'm really getting tired off all the fighting. Maybe we should just end this before we really start hating each other."
NINA,"Oh, well, you wouldn't want that because you always have to remain friends!",JERRY,"Well, I like to remain friends with people I was friends with!"
GEORGE,Five-hundred dollars?! What?,JERRY,That's what she told me!
GEORGE,I'm not paying $500 for this! It's a piece of junk!,JERRY,That's what it costs!
GEORGE,Why did you even take it? You broke up with her!,JERRY,I wasn't thinking! I don't know.
GEORGE,You weren't thinking.,JERRY,"Well, she framed it and everything."
GEORGE,"Well, I'm not buying it. No way. Forget it. No way I'm buying this! (beat) I mean, look at it! What is it? It's a bunch of squiggly lines! (beat) Are you telling me you couldn't paint this?",JERRY,Do you want me to paint you something? I'd love to paint you some- thing!
KRAMER,"Hi, Mike.",JERRY,"(looking at the paper) Wow, a letter from Nina!"
KRAMER,"(notices the painting) Whoa, man! That is the ugliest thing I've ever seen!",JERRY,(reading note) Oh my god!
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,"This is amazing, you can't believe this!"
GEORGE,What's it say?,JERRY,"Listen to this ""I don't know what you expect to find out there, Jerry, you know what you want better than me. But there's one thing I do know. I know I can stand here watching you destroy everything I've ever wanted in my life, wanting to smash your face with my fists, because you won't make even the slightest effort to offer happiness and still know that I love you. You mean so much to me that I'm will-ing to take all your abuse and insults and insensitivity."""
KRAMER,(emotionally) She's deep.,JERRY,"(reading on) ""...'cause that's what you need to do to prove I'm not going to leave you. I'm sick and tired of running from places and people and relationships. You want me, that fight for me, becau-"""
KRAMER,"You know Jerry, she sounds like a poet!",JERRY,No one's ever written me a letter like this. Maybe I was wrong about her!
KRAMER,(pushing Jerry towards the phone) Yeah! Get in there and give her a call. Pick up the phone and call her!,JERRY,Should I?
KRAMER,"(screaming) YES! YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT YOU SHOULD! (hysterically) Fight for her, Jerry, she's sure as hell fighting for you!",JERRY,"ALL RIGHT, all right! I'll call her."
[CUT TO,"Jerry's apartment, another day. Jerry is helping Nina put on her coat. The TV is on a horse race.]",JERRY,SHOT! (the sound of a shot on the TV is heard) I told ya! (the inter- com buzzes) Yeah?
GEORGE,(on intercom) It's George.,JERRY,"Come on up. (to Nina) Well, now we gotta get a posse together. I love a good posse."
NINA,What's the appeal of the posse?,JERRY,"The appeal of the posse? The posse has tremendous appeal. Get away from the job, camp out, you're with your friends... Come on, it's a week-long game of hide-and-seek on horseback."
GEORGE,Who said anything about money? (intercom buzzes),JERRY,Yeah?
ELAINE,(on intercom) It's Elaine.,JERRY,Come on up.
NINA,Elaine?,JERRY,...Yeah.
NINA,"(rolling eyes) This person does not believe in telephones, does she?",JERRY,"She likes the pop-in. I've told her how I hate the pop-in. (pointing to George) He likes the pop-in, too."
GEORGE,I just popped in now. I'm a big pop-in guy.,JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,How 'bout Kramer.,JERRY,HUGE pop-in guy!
NINA,"Well, I was leaving anyway, so, uh, we're on for tomorrow?",JERRY,Yeah.
NINA,Okay.,JERRY,Okay!
ELAINE,"(sarcastic) Chatty gal. (beat) Lippman's coming back tomorrow, I'll be fired!",JERRY,"If he noticed, he would have called you from Houston!"
ELAINE,"(annoyed) Oh! Would you gimme the clicker? I hate it when you're the clicker! You go too fast! (Elain makes a grab for the clicker, instigating a tug-o-war between Elaine and Jerry over the clicker)",JERRY,(tugging at the clicker) I'm a great clicker! (gets the clicker back) Great instincts. How dare you impune my clicking.
ELAINE,You're all over the dial! You don't know what you want! I've never seen you stay on anything for more than 5 seconds. Gimme that.,JERRY,Let go!
ELAINE,"No, come on! I want it, Jerry!",JERRY,"Let go, Elaine!"
ELAINE,Well at least let George do it!,JERRY,"Oh, George can't click! (George joins in the fight)"
GEORGE,(as Jerry and Elaine continue to whine) Give it! Give it! (he finally gets the remote away from them) Pinheads.,JERRY,"Wait, wait a second! Go back, go back to that. (they watch it a little longer)"
ELAINE,"It's Chapter 2, it's Neil Simon.",JERRY,"(on to something) Wait a second... wait a second!! (he watches the TV for another minute) The letter, that's the letter!"
ELAINE,What letter?,JERRY,"This is the letter she wrote to me, she stole it right from the movie!"
GEORGE,This is incredible!,JERRY,"I always thought there was something funny about this letter! She copied it right out of Chapter 2! She a thief, a bunko-artist!"
ELAINE,"You know, it's not really that terrible.",JERRY,What are you talking about? She completely misrepresented herself! (mimicking the letter) I don't offer happiness. I offer happiness! James Caan doesn't offer happiness!
[CUT TO,"Nina's studio. Nina is working on a painting. Jerry is watching her, sitting on the sofa.]",JERRY,How's it coming?
NINA,"Good, good.",JERRY,Seen any good movies lately?
NINA,No... not really. You?,JERRY,"No. I like a good comedy. You know, like a Neil Simon? You like Neil Simon?"
NINA,"Neil Simon? Uh, some of his stuff.",JERRY,"I've seen MOST of it. I guess my favorite would have to be, uh... Chapter 2. Have you ever seen that?"
NINA,I don't know... maybe.,JERRY,"I have. Funny, funny. In fact it was on TV just the other night. Happened to catch it. (a knock is heard at the door) I couldn't help notice a STUNNING similiarity-- (Jerry is interrupted as Nina opens answer the door...)"
GEORGE,Five-thousand? Why would anybody buy Kramer for $5000? (laughs),JERRY,"Boy, the Yankees cannot buy a hit tonight!"
GEORGE,So is it all over between you and... Marsha Mason?,JERRY,"Yeah. (picks up Nina's painting George bought) And by the way, can you get this thing outta my house?"
KRAMER,"Hey. I got some bad news for you, buddy. I think your car got stolen again.",JERRY,What are you talking about?
KRAMER,"Well you parked it on eighty-fourth and Columbus, right?",JERRY,Yeah.
KRAMER,"Yep, well I just walked by there and that car is gone.",JERRY,"Oh yeah, I know."
KRAMER,"Well, where is it?",JERRY,What's the difference?
KRAMER,"Well, there's no difference, you know, I'm just curious.",JERRY,"You always have to know everything that's going on, don't you?"
KRAMER,What happened to the car?,JERRY,"If I don't tell you it will kill you, won't it?"
KRAMER,"Yeah, yeah, it'll kill me.",JERRY,"You have to know, you must know."
KRAMER,I must know.,JERRY,"Well, I'm not telling you."
KRAMER,"Oh, come on.",JERRY,Nope. I don't think so.
KRAMER,"Well, please?",JERRY,"Not today, pal."
KRAMER,"Okay, I beg you.",JERRY,Now see? Just saying beg doesn't make it a real beg. You gotta put some beg into it.
KRAMER,"Okay, please! Please tell me!",JERRY,"Alright, I'll tell you, but your begging needs a lot of work."
KRAMER,"Okay, okay, what is it? Come on.",JERRY,I loaned the car to George.
KRAMER,"Ah, George, alright. Well, what for?",JERRY,"George and Elaine went to a flea market in Westchester, okay?!"
KRAMER,Alright.,JERRY,Huh?
KRAMER,"Huh. I mean, what do they want to go there for?",JERRY,Will you stop it already?!
KRAMER,"You know, why didn't they ask me to go?",JERRY,I don't know! How am I supposed to know?!
KRAMER,"What, they don't like me?",JERRY,*I* don't like you!
KRAMER,Well I'm very disappointed in George and Elaine. And you know I'm somebody you don't want to have on your bad side.,JERRY,Why not?
KRAMER,"Because I'm like ice, buddy. When I don't like you, you've got problems. (notices some snacks on the table) Oh, is this for the fight?",JERRY,Yep. (checks watch) Starts in thirty-five minutes.
KRAMER,"Oh hey, you know I invited Mike Moffit. You don't mind, do you?",JERRY,"No, I like Mike."
KRAMER,"Yeah, I just got off the phone with him, you know we had a great conversation.",JERRY,Oh yeah? What did you talk about?
KRAMER,Well actually we talked about you. Yeah. He had some pretty interesting things to say.,JERRY,Oh yeah? What did he say?
KRAMER,"You have to know everything, don't you?",JERRY,"No, come on, Kramer. What did he say?"
KRAMER,Why is that? Why do you have to know everything?,JERRY,"Kramer, just tell me what the guy said."
KRAMER,Beg me.,JERRY,"Please, don't make me beg."
KRAMER,"No no no, I want you to beg me. And I don't want you to say it, I just want you to put some beg into it. Go on.",JERRY,"Kramer, please tell me what the guy said."
KRAMER,"No no no, that's no good. No, I really don't think that's a beg. No, it's close, but uh...",JERRY,Kramer!
KRAMER,"Look, I can't say anything. You know, the guy told me the stuff in confidence, I'd be betraying a friend.",JERRY,Well you can't just mention it and then not tell me.
KRAMER,Alright. I'll tell you but you can't say anything to him.,JERRY,"I'm not saying anything, I'm putting it in the vault, I'm locking the vault, it's a vault!"
KRAMER,He thinks you're a phony.,JERRY,He what?
KRAMER,"I told you, he thinks you're a phony.",JERRY,A phony? He called me a phony?
KRAMER,A big phone. A big one.,JERRY,Why did you tell me that if I can't say anything?!
ELAINE,"Oh god, I need a drink, do you got any Hennigan's here?",JERRY,"Yeah, under the counter. What happened?"
ELAINE,"Oh god. Oh, Jerry it was so terrible what we just went through on the way home. (pouring a big shot of scotch) You wouldn't believe it. (pushing a bag of chips off the counter)",JERRY,(bending down to pick up the chips) Tell me what happened.
ELAINE,"(after pouring the shot in the sink while Jerry was distracted and pretending to have downed it) Okay. Now listen. We were at the toll booth at the Henry Hudson Parkway, okay?! And there were these, like, this pack of extremely wild teenagers in a convertible behind us, okay?! And for some reason, I don't know, they just started to taunt us! And so then we payed the toll, and then we went through, and then they started to follow us, alright?! So George tries to lose them, and, and, but they were in this really like a souped up car, you know?! And so he turned off the road really suddenly and the car was on two wheels and I was just screaming! And then, George is such a great driver.",JERRY,He is?
ELAINE,"Oh, he is fantastic! And then they fired a gun right up in the air.",JERRY,A gun?!
ELAINE,"I think it was a gun. And then they followed us all the way into the city, and then they just stopped and they turned around and they went home.",JERRY,"My god, are you okay?"
ELAINE,"Yeah, yeah, I'm alright. Oh, by the way, the car hit a pothole and now it's making a clanking noise.",JERRY,"Well, I mean, as long as you're okay, that, that's the important thing."
ELAINE,Exactly.,JERRY,Where's George now?
ELAINE,"Oh, he's out in front of the building. He's arguing with some guy about a parking space.",JERRY,What are you talking about?
ELAINE,"Look out the window, you'll see.",JERRY,(leaning out the window) Hey Georgie!
GEORGE,Hey!,JERRY,Are you okay?
GEORGE,"Yeah, I'm fine.",JERRY,"Crazy kids, huh?"
MIKE,Is that Jerry? Jerry?!,JERRY,"Oh, hey Mike."
MIKE,"Well, bully for you. Hey, Jerry! You know your friend here's a real piece of work!",JERRY,I'm coming down.
KRAMER,(acting standoffish) Hello.,JERRY,"Hey, your friend Mike's outside, he wants to talk to you."
ELAINE,You know that guy downstairs?,JERRY,"Yeah, he's a real phony."
MIKE,Hey! Jerry! Long time no see!,JERRY,Hi Mike. (Noticing George's fedora) Indiana.
MIKE,(to Jerry) You're looking tremendous. What are you on some kind of regimen?,JERRY,"Yeah, twenty-five percent bran flakes. The forty percent was too much so I found a store to mix it up special for me, they take it down another fifteen percent."
KRAMER,I go in front first all the time.,JERRY,"Front first, that's how you park when you're pulling a bank job."
GEORGE,Oh great.,JERRY,I didn't know.
GEORGE,"Great move, telling him, by the way, real smart move.",JERRY,I didn't know I wasn't supposed to say anything!
GEORGE,"Judgement, Jerry, judgement! You exercised no judgement.",JERRY,You're right. My fault.
GEORGE,"What was wrong with that sorry? It was a good sorry. Jerry, was that a good sorry?",JERRY,It was a so-so sorry.
ELAINE,"You see, they had to move the cars so the truck could get through, right? But these guys don't trust each other so they got these two nonpartisan drivers to move them.",JERRY,"Wild pack of teenagers, huh?"
GEORGE,Yeah.,JERRY,"Amazing how they picked you, out of everyone, to terrorize."
GEORGE,Uh huh.,JERRY,"Sounds like you did some pretty nifty maneuvering,"
GEORGE,I learned a lot about myself.,JERRY,What did you do to my car?!
ELAINE,"Oh, like you've ever been bobulated.",JERRY,I thought you said you were a good driver!
GEORGE,"No no, I never said I was a good driver, I said I was a good parker.",JERRY,I think you said driver.
SID,"Hey, somebody better move these cars, you're making a commotion.",JERRY,Hey Sid.
SID,Why don't you start taking the bus?,JERRY,"Okay, George. Come on, let's go. I'm putting it in a garage. The fight's starting in two minutes."
GEORGE,Don't do it!,JERRY,"What are we gonna do, stay out here all night?"
MATTHEW,You're not my father.,JERRY,Hey Matthew.
MATTHEW,Hi Jerry. This guy's really a jerk.,JERRY,How ya doing?
MATTHEW,Okay.,JERRY,"Hey, how's your father? I hear he's closing his store."
MATTHEW,What?!,JERRY,"Oh no, nothing."
MATTHEW,What's happened to daddy? He's going out of business?,JERRY,"No, no, no, no."
MATTHEW,We're not going to have any money? We're out of money?,JERRY,"No, of course not, of course not!"
MARYEDITH,Jerry?! What's the matter with you?,JERRY,I didn't--
KRAMER,I thought she was pregnant.,JERRY,"(to Elaine) Hey, do you think I'm phony?"
ELAINE,What?,JERRY,Mike thinks I'm a phony.
ELAINE,He thinks you're a phony?,JERRY,"Yeah, but I can't say anything because Kramer wasn't supposed to tell me."
ELAINE,"Oh, you have to say something.",JERRY,"I can't, I told Kramer I was vaulting it."
ELAINE,You gotta open the vault.,JERRY,Open my vault?
ELAINE,Open your vault.,JERRY,"Once I open the vault, it ceases to be a vault."
ELAINE,You have no choice.,JERRY,Oy ga-vault.
GEORGE,"Alright, just keep the hat!",JERRY,"Alright, that's it. The fight's already started. I'm going upstairs, who's coming? Elaine?"
MIKE,Well I'm going.,JERRY,Well if he's going then I'm not going.
NEWMAN,But it's your house.,JERRY,I still don't have to go.
MIKE,Why won't you go if I go?,JERRY,Why? I'll tell you why.
KRAMER,"No. Don't, Jerry.",JERRY,Like you didn't call me a phony?
MIKE,"What? (to Kramer) Thanks! Real good! Jerry! First of all, I think you completely misunderstood what I said. I meant it in a complementary way. I mean, you know when people say, 'He's bad', it really means he's good, sort of thing? You know, slang.",JERRY,Use it in a sentence.
MIKE,He begged you?!,JERRY,"Alright, come on. Who wants to watch the fight?"
JERRY's brain,What the hell...? Why is the door open?,JERRY,"Kramer, what are you doing here!?"
KRAMER,"Jerry, now calm down, it's okay. I'm sorry. I didn't want to wake you up! Y'know, I was watching ""Thirty Seconds Over Tokyo,"" and I - y'know, I wanted to get some popcorn, and I, uh...I used the spare keys that you gave me to come into your apartment to get your popper.",JERRY,You scared me!
KRAMER,It's just me.,JERRY,That's enough!
JERRY (from outside the door),C'mon...c'mon...,JERRY,Kramer! What are you doing?!
KRAMER,What does it look like I'm doing? What?,JERRY,"Get out! Get out of the bathroom, I gotta go!"
KRAMER,"Alright, alright...",JERRY,C'mon!
KRAMER,Sorry.,JERRY,Move it! Move it! Get going!
GIRLFRIEND,I'm really happy the movie was sold out.,JERRY,"Hey, did you ever pretend there's like, murderers chasing you, and you try and see how fast you can get your keys out and get into your apartment?"
GIRLFRIEND,"I'm from Witchita, so...",JERRY,Oh. I see. There he is! (Pretends the murderers are coming.)
GIRLFRIEND,"Hurry, Jerry! He's coming! Hurry!",JERRY,The murderers! (Jerry unlocks his door and they both run inside.)
GIRLFRIEND,That was close!,JERRY,Did you see the look on that guy's face?
GIRLFRIEND,"You were so fast with those keys. (They prepare to kiss, but are interrupted by Kramer and his girlfriend coming out of Jerry's bedroom, laughing and horsing around.)",JERRY,Kramer! What the hell are you doing here?!
KRAMER,"Hey, Jerry! How are ya? I thought you were going to the movies.",JERRY,"All right, that's it. Hand 'em over."
KRAMER,What?,JERRY,"What, you know what, the keys. I want the keys. You've lost your key privileges."
KRAMER,"Oh, come on!",JERRY,"No, come on!"
KRAMER,"What, what, I thought you went to the movies!",JERRY,It was sold out!
KRAMER,Now how was I supposed to know it was going to be sold out?,JERRY,That's the point.
KRAMER,What point?,JERRY,"Just, look, just give the keys."
KRAMER,Just give me another chance!,JERRY,Don't ask me!
KRAMER,I'm asking you!,JERRY,I'm telling you.
KRAMER,You're joking.,JERRY,I'm serious!
KRAMER,It's not going to happen again!,JERRY,"Yes it will, now give me those keys!"
KRAMER (getting up),"O.K., fine, go ahead, you take the keys! But you're going to regret this. (He angrily storms out. Kramer then re-enters seconds later when he realizes he's left his girlfriend in Jerry's apartment.)",JERRY,So put 'em in a safe place.
ELAINE,I will.,JERRY,Where?
ELAINE,"I don't know. I'll hide 'em. So, is Kramer upset?",JERRY,"I think so. I mean, he's acting really weird lately...he's different."
ELAINE,"Well, maybe you should just give him the keys back.",JERRY,I can't.
ELAINE (mouths the words),Is that Kramer? (Jerry nods.),JERRY,Who's there?
ELAINE,"Jerry, give him the keys back.",JERRY,Elaine...
KRAMER,"I don't want the keys back! No, I'm glad the way things turned out. I was clingin' to those keys, man! Like a branch on the banks of a raging river. And now I have let go. And I'm free...to go with the current. To float. (To Jerry) And I thank you.",JERRY,Take the keys.
KRAMER,"I don't want the keys! (Jerry tries to force the keys on Kramer, but Kramer refuses.)",JERRY,O.K.!
KRAMER,"Now, one more thing - I would like my keys back.",JERRY,Your spare set?
KRAMER,That's right.,JERRY,You want 'em back?
ELAINE,"Yeah, O.K. I'll go get 'em. (George begins to leaf through papers on Elaine's counter.) What are you doing? Would you just put that down? (Takes the papers away from George.) I gotta get some new friends.",JERRY,Did you bring the keys?
GEORGE,"Yes, but I still don't feel right about letting you into Kramer's apartment without his permission.",JERRY,This could be an emergency!
GEORGE,You never should have taken away his keys!,JERRY,"I tried to give 'em back, he wouldn't take 'em. (Jerry and George go out into the hallway to Kramer's apartment.)"
GEORGE,How'd the Mets do?,JERRY,They lost.
NEWMAN (startling them),"Hello, boys.",JERRY,"Hello, Newman."
NEWMAN,You lookin' for someone?,JERRY,"Don't play coy with me, Newman, I'm not in the mood!"
GEORGE,"Yeah, coy.",JERRY,"You're being coy. Now where's Kramer, Newman?"
NEWMAN (coyly),Who?,JERRY,"Listen, Tiny. I wanna know where Kramer is and wanna know now!"
NEWMAN,"Alright, go ahead and hit me, Seinfeld. I got witnesses.",JERRY,"Turn around, George."
NEWMAN,George?,JERRY,"Now, you better tell me where Kramer is, or are we gonna have to do this the hard way? (Hits wall with his fist.)"
NEWMAN,Help! Help!,JERRY,Where's Kramer?
GEORGE,No we're not.,JERRY,We're trying to find out what happened to Kramer.
NEWMAN,"You wanna know what happened to Kramer? I'll tell you what happened to Kramer. He was ticked off. About the keys. Yeah, that's right - about the keys. Thought he got a bad rap.",JERRY,Bad rap?
NEWMAN,Yeah. From you.,JERRY,Me?
NEWMAN,You heard me. So he packed it up and split for the coast. La-La Land. L.A.,JERRY,L.A.?
ELAINE,"Yeah, yeah, I saw it. (mutters under her breath) I mean, it's complete bullshit.",JERRY,Huh?
ELAINE,What...?,JERRY,"No, what'd you say?"
ELAINE,Nothing. I didn't say anything.,JERRY,"Oh, you didn't see it."
ELAINE,"Yeah, I saw it. I saw it! I did, I saw it. Yep.",JERRY,"I heard you say something, there."
ELAINE,I didn't say anything.,JERRY,"I'm calling Kramer's mother. (Picks up the phone, dials.) (To Elaine) I don't know what you said. But it was something. I heard something. Hello? Hello, Mrs. Kramer? Mrs. Kramer? Could you turn the music down? Could you turn the music down!"
GEORGE,Ask her about Kramer.,JERRY,She's drunk out of her mind.
GEORGE,"Look, I gotta tell ya...I been thinkin' about it, I just don't feel right about letting you into Elaine's apartment.",JERRY,Don't feel right? What are you talking about?
GEORGE,"Well, you know, I shouldn't have let you into Kramer's, now you want to go into Elaine's...she entrusted me with her spare keys, how can I just let you in?",JERRY,What is the big deal?
GEORGE,"Just because you have someone's spare keys, it doesn't entitle you to break into their apartment. That's the reason you took away Kramer's keys.",JERRY,"First of all, you're not even supposed to have Elaine's keys. You're supposed to give 'em back to her, so she can give 'em back to me, because she has mine. So technically, those are my keys."
GEORGE,"Yes, well, if you had never taken your keys back from Kramer, he never would have taken his back from you and given 'em to me, in which case I wouldn't have had to take mine back from her.",JERRY,"Well, I want those keys. (Tries to grab the keys from George.)"
GEORGE,"Nope, no can do.",JERRY,"George, give them to me, I want these keys. (They struggle over the keys.) I don't want to get physical!"
GEORGE,Do you wanna fight?,JERRY,Do you wanna fight?
HIPPIE #2,"Don't leave, Kramer, stay with us. You know so much about the world, we need you, please Kramer! (they all start chanting) Please, Kramer! Please, Kramer! (Scene ends with Kramer trying to escape their clutches.)",JERRY,"Don't you see? You're just avoiding the middle man. You were gonna give her her spare keys, so she was gonna give 'em to me. So, all that's happening is that instead of giving them to her, you're giving them to me. It's just unfortunate that when she gave you yours, you didn't give her hers. 'Cause then she would have given 'em to me, because she has mine. So then I would have never had to ask you for hers, so that I could get mine."
GEORGE,"You're right, how did I miss that? (Begins unlocking the door, mutters under his breath) Maybe because it's a crock of shit.",JERRY,What's that?
GEORGE,Nothing.,JERRY,I heard something.
GEORGE,"They were in here, I saw her put 'em in here!",JERRY,"Well, this is great."
GEORGE,"Well, what do they look like?",JERRY,"They look like keys, George. They look exactly like keys. (In disgust) ""What do they look like."""
GEORGE,"Well, they're obviously not here.",JERRY,"Well, they've gotta be here somewhere."
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,By Elaine Benes?
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,"Elaine's writing a ""Murphy Brown""?"
GEORGE,Lemme see this. (Tries to grab the papers.),JERRY,Wait a second! (They fight over the paper.)
GEORGE,Gimme half!,JERRY,"All right, here!"
ELAINE,You weasels!,JERRY,What? What?
GEORGE,We hardly read anything!,JERRY,It was funny!
ELAINE,Who gave you permission to come into my house and just go through all my things? You thought it was funny?,JERRY,Well... (picks up some of the pages) From what I saw...
ELAINE (grabs the papers from Jerry),"Well, it's just a first draft!",JERRY,"I was locked out of my apartment, I'm just trying to get my keys."
GEORGE,He forced me to!,JERRY,I did not!
ELAINE,You! Get out! Get out! Get out!,JERRY,"Elaine, wait! I need my spare keys!"
ELAINE,"Here! Here's your damn keys, you keep 'em! I don't want 'em anymore!",JERRY,Good!
ELAINE,Good! I won't!,JERRY,Good! Don't! Are these my keys?
ELAINE,I just thought I could write it.,JERRY,Is that something you want to do?
ELAINE,I don't know. Those writers make a lot of money.,JERRY,"Elaine, let me tell you something about show business. It's hard work! You don't just write a ""Murphy Brown."" You gotta watch the show, study it, get a sense of the characters, how they relate to each other."
ELAINE,"O.K., can I just watch the show? (mutters under her breath) God, what an asshole.",JERRY,What did you say?
ELAINE,I didn't say anything.,JERRY,"I heard something. (Looks at the TV) Elaine, Elaine! It's Kramer! Kramer's on ""Murphy Brown""!"
ELAINE (laughing),"Kramer's on ""Murphy Brown""!",JERRY,"Look, there he is, he's sittin' at the desk!"
GEORGE,Kramer was on Murphy Brown?,JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,Are you sure?,JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,"Murphy Brown, the TV show.",JERRY,"C'mon, will ya?"
GEORGE,Kramer was on Murphy Brown? That son of a gun!,JERRY,"Something, isn't it?"
GEORGE,With Candace Bergen!,JERRY,I know!
GEORGE,I've always liked her. Remember her in 'Carnal Knowledge'?,JERRY,Sure.
GEORGE,Did she show her breasts in that?,JERRY,She's not really the naked type.
GEORGE,I can't believe I missed Kramer. You know he asked me to go with him to California.,JERRY,He did?
GEORGE,"Yeah, I turned him down.",JERRY,How come you didn't tell me?
GEORGE,He asked me to keep it a secret.,JERRY,But you can never keep a secret.
GEORGE,I know. This was like a record. My previous record was when Joni Hirsch asked me not to tell anybody that we slept together. Kept a lid on that for about 28 seconds.,JERRY,"Well, you've come a long way."
GEORGE,I've matured.,JERRY,"Hey listen, the Tonight Show called me, they want me to come out and do the show on the 28th and they're giving me two free tickets to LA. You wanna go?"
GEORGE,A free ticket?,JERRY,"Yeah, in fact we could track down Kramer. I always felt bad about the way he left, you know? That was a mess. I never should have taken back those keys."
GEORGE,What about accommodations?,JERRY,All taken care of.
HELENA,I was engaged to Mickey Rooney! He left me at the altar. Kramer! Kramer!,JERRY,What is this?
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,"We're going on a two day trip, what are you, Diana Ross?"
GEORGE,I happen to dress based on mood.,JERRY,Oh. But you essentially wear the same thing all the time.
GEORGE,"Seemingly. Seemingly. But within that basic framework there are many subtle variations, only discernable to an acute observer, that reflect the many moods, the many shades, the many sides of George Costanza.",JERRY,(referring to George's outfit) And what mood is this.
LT. MARTEL,"I don't know, but I don't like it.",JERRY,"Look at this guy, he's like a cat burglar. He thinks if he goes through real slow the machine won't detect him."
GEORGE,Personally I'm a little nervous about going through these things. I'm afraid I'm gonna step through into another dimension.,JERRY,Just go.
SECURITY GUARD,Are you sure you don't have any metal on you? Bracelets? Rings? Anklets?,JERRY,Anklets?
SECURITY GUARD,A lot of men wear anklets.,JERRY,Really?
SECURITY GUARD,Step over here please.,JERRY,Over here?
SECURITY GUARD,Spread your arms and legs please.,JERRY,"(facing the lengthening line behind him) Ladies and gentlemen, I implore you."
SECURITY GUARD,"Alright, go ahead.",JERRY,That's it?
SECURITY GUARD,That's it.,JERRY,Alright.
GEORGE,"C'mon Jerry, let's go. What was that all about?",JERRY,I must have iron rich blood.
GEORGE,"Here we go, LA.",JERRY,"The Coast,"
GEORGE,"La-la Land. I got the window seat, right?",JERRY,Who said that?
GEORGE,I called it.,JERRY,Oh no.
KRAMER,"(bumping into a lamp) Alright, excuse me. Uh wait, wait.",JERRY,"Yeah, Kramer. K-R-A-M-E-R. Uh, I don't know, wavy? George, how would you describe Kramer's hair?"
GEORGE,Curly.,JERRY,Wavy.
GEORGE,What'd you ask me for?,JERRY,"Yeah, I'll hold on. Hey George, did you see a piece of paper I had on the nightstand here, like crumpled up, like a napkin?"
GEORGE,Nope.,JERRY,"'Cause I had like three jokes on it, they were all perfectly worded just the way I wanted to have it. Can't find it. Hello?"
GEORGE (from the bathroom),"Hey, a shoe buffing machine!",JERRY,"I don't know, 6-3, George, how tall is Kramer?"
GEORGE,"You got your own shampoo, conditioner, body lotion! Jerry, body",JERRY,About 6-3.
GEORGE,"Ooh, a shower cap!",JERRY,Coming.
GEORGE,"Uh, Jerry, you want your blankets tucked in?",JERRY,"Excuse me, what?"
GEORGE,You want your blankets tucked in?,JERRY,What blankets?
GEORGE,When Lupe makes up the beds in the morning.,JERRY,"I don't know, whatever they do."
LUPE,I tuck in? Yes?,JERRY,"Tuck in, tuck in."
GEORGE,"Yeah. One second sweetheart. Jerry, I really think it'd be easier if you didn't tuck.",JERRY,"Excuse me, fine, you don't want me to tuck, put me down for a no-tuck."
GEORGE (to Lupe),Two no-tucks.,JERRY,"Uh, hang on a second, You know what? Changed my mind, make it a tuck."
GEORGE,You just said you weren't tucking.,JERRY,I'm tucking! Hello? Hello? They hung up on me. They don't know where Kramer is anyway.
GEORGE,"Alrighty, so. That's one tuck and one no-tuck. Got that?",JERRY,"Excuse me, um, did you see a piece of paper on the nightstand here earlier today crumpled up like a napkin?"
LUPE,"Oh, yes, yes. I throw away when we clean the room.",JERRY,"Oh, okay, thanks."
GEORGE,Bye-bye.,JERRY,"I can't believe she threw that out. I had like the perfect wording of a whole joke I was gonna do about the X-ray counter at the airport, I was gonna do it on the Tonight Show, now I can't remember it."
GEORGE,"Well what did you want her to do, you left it on the night table.",JERRY,They're not supposed to just take everything and throw it out!
GEORGE,"Hey, hey, hey! It's not Lupe's fault, you shouldn't have left it out.",JERRY,"Alright, just get your thing together and let's get out of here."
GEORGE,You shouldn't have tucked.,JERRY,I like it tucked.
GEORGE,"This is very exciting! You're on the Tonight Show, NBC, who else is on the show?",JERRY,I don't know.
GEORGE,Might meet a celebrity.,JERRY,I can't believe she threw out my napkin.
GEORGE,"What are you worried about, you know it.",JERRY,You gonna be alright here?
GEORGE,"Yeah yeah yeah yeah, go. Go about your business, I'll just wander around.",JERRY,"Alright, don't wander too far, I'll meet you back here in fifteen minutes."
GEORGE,"Fabulous, I'll think about that George, thank you!",JERRY,How's it going?
GEORGE,Great! Great! I actually just had two meaningful intelligent conversations with Corbin Bernsen and George Wendt.,JERRY,Really?
GEORGE,"Yeah, yeah, not fan talk, not gushing, you know? Actual conversation, I was incredibly articulate!",JERRY,You got toilet paper on your heel there.
CORBIN BERNSEN,"It never ends, does it?",JERRY,"So I'm going through the airport and I have to put my bag on that little uh, uh, the uh, that uh, the conveyor belt."
LT. MARTEL,"Issue an arrest warrant, put out an APB. Let's pick up this, uh, Kramer.",JERRY,I was terrible.
GEORGE,"What are you, crazy? You were fine.",JERRY,"Nah, did you hear the end? I couldn't remember what I was trying to say, that whole thing about the, uh..."
GEORGE,Conveyor belt.,JERRY,Yeah. Because she threw out my napkin.
GEORGE,"I can't believe, you're blaming Lupe?",JERRY,"Yes, Lupe. I'm blaming Lupe."
GEORGE,"He's on the lamb(?), he's on the loose!",JERRY,"Would you let go of my arm?! I'm trying to drive, you're getting us both killed!"
GEORGE,"What are we supposed to do? What do you do on a situation like this? Should we call a lawyer, should we call the police?",JERRY,Obviously we're gonna call the police and tell that he's not the guy.
GEORGE,Hope he's not the guy.,JERRY,Couldn't be the guy...nah.
GEORGE,"God, I'm starved, I'm weak from hunger.",JERRY,How can you think of food at the time like this?
GEORGE,Time like what? I'm hungry. My stomach doesn't know that Kramer's wanted.,JERRY,"I told you to have breakfast, you should've had breakfast!"
GEORGE,"I couldn't have breakfast, it was lunchtime! The three hour time difference threw me. I wanted a tuna fish sandwich, they wouldn't serve me tuna fish sandwich, because they were only serving breakfast.",JERRY,You should've had some eggs.
GEORGE,For lunch? Who eats eggs for lunch?,JERRY,Have you ever heard of egg salad?
GEORGE,Why didn't you say something then?,JERRY,I've gotta to tell you about existence of egg salad?
GEORGE,"I need food, Jerry. I feel faint, I'm getting light headed.",JERRY,"I've gotta call the police, there's a pay phone over there."
GEORGE,"Pay phone in L.A., look it's a miracle.",JERRY,I don't have any change. You've got any change?
GEORGE,"No, I don't have any change. I never carry change.",JERRY,"Well, we need change and all I have is twenties."
GEORGE,I have a ten.,JERRY,"So, break it."
GEORGE,I hate asking for change. They always make a face. Like I'm asking them to donate a kidney.,JERRY,"So, buy something."
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,"I don't know, some mints or TicTacs."
GEORGE,Breath problem?,JERRY,"No, I just want some change."
GEORGE,Tell me.,JERRY,"Your breath is fine. It's delightful, it's delicious."
GEORGE,"You know, I haven't eaten anything.",JERRY,I just wanna call the police!
GEORGE,Why don't you just call 911?,JERRY,But is this an emergency?
GEORGE,Of course it is.,JERRY,How is this an emergency?
GEORGE,Your friend is been accused of being a serial killer. I think that qualifies.,JERRY,"All right, I'll call 911. Think he did it? Could've he done it? Couldn't done it? How could've he done it? Couldn't be? Could it? Hello 911? How are you? I'm sorry it was just a reflex...I know it's an emergency number...it is an emergency...my friend is being accused of being a smog strangler and I know he didn't do it...they're putting me trough to the detective in charge of the investigation...what is my name? Who am I? I'm eh...George Costanza..."
GEORGE,What's the matter with you? Are you crazy? Why are you using my name?!,JERRY,"Oh, don't be a baby! What are you scared of?"
GEORGE,"What am I scared of? I'm scared of the same thing that you are, everything! Why don't you just use your own name?",JERRY,"Your name is a good name, Costanza. Sounds like it's stands for something, they'll believe us."
GEORGE,Really?,JERRY,Sure.
GEORGE,You think so?,JERRY,"Oh yeah. Yes I have some very important information regarding the smog strangler. (George leans close) would you suck a mint or something. Can I come right now? I suppose, where are you located? Where is that? I don't know where we are. Where are we?"
GEORGE,I don't know.,JERRY,"We don't know. He says ask somebody, ask that guy."
MAN,Earth.,JERRY,"Hey, you know I'm on the phone with the police! Some guy just gave me a wise answer. Ask that woman."
WOMAN,You don't know.,JERRY,"George, it says it here on the phone. It's 12145 Ventura Boulevard. Aha, ok...do we know where the 101 is? (George shakes his head) No...do we know where 170 is? (George shakes his head) No...do we know where 134 is? (George just looks at Jerry) No. Aha, ok. (Jerry hangs up) He's gonna send a black and white to pick us up."
GEORGE,Black and white?,JERRY,A cop car.
GEORGE,Why didn't you just say that?,JERRY,I thought it sounded kind of cool.
GEORGE,"Oh yeah, real cool. You're a cool guy.",JERRY,"Oh, you are? I guaranty you, Lupe is going to tuck your covers in."
GEORGE,"I'll bet you, how much?",JERRY,Her tip.
GEORGE,You've got a bet.,JERRY,Ok.
GEORGE,"Jerry, would you do me a favor, close the window.",JERRY,"Hey, get out of here...hey officer, he's fooling around back here."
GEORGE,He started it.,JERRY,I did not. You guys gonna go through some red lights?
COP,I don't think so.,JERRY,But you could?
GEORGE,"Hey, can I flip on the siren?",JERRY,Why are you bothering them for?
GEORGE,"Wohoo, check it out.",JERRY,Can I try it?
COP,"Yeah, go ahead, hurry up.",JERRY,Scared the hell out of that guy.
GEORGE,"You know what I never understood? Why did they change the siren noise? When I was a kid it was always ""waaaa, waaaa"", you know now it ""woo-woo-woo-woo-woo"". Why did they do that, did they do some research? Did they find that woo-woo was more effective than waa?",JERRY,"Yeah, what about those English sirens, you know...eee-aaa-eee-aaa-eee-aaa..."
KRAMER,I'm dizzy.,JERRY,Nice shotgun.
COP,Thanks.,JERRY,Clean as a whistle.
GEORGE,You could eat of that shotgun.,JERRY,"What is that, a 12 gauge?"
COP,Yeah.,JERRY,12 gauge. Seems to be the most popular gauge.
GEORGE,My favorite.,JERRY,"Mine too, love the 12 gauge."
COP,Looks like a possible 5-19.,JERRY,5-19? What's a 5-19?
COP,Looks like it.,JERRY,I can't believe this. A 5-19?
COP 2,"All right, let's pull over and check it out.",JERRY,Pull over? You can't pull over.
GEORGE,What are you doing? Where do you think you're going?,JERRY,Pull over? The lieutenant is waiting to see us.
GEORGE,"Hey hey hey, we're in a rush here.",JERRY,We have an appointment!
GEORGE,What are you doing?!,JERRY,Great.
GEORGE,There's a bag of Pepperidge Farm cookies up there.,JERRY,Which flavor?
GEORGE,Milano.,JERRY,Cops eating Milanos. What crazy town is this?
GEORGE,Should I take some?,JERRY,I think that's a 5-19.
GEORGE,I'm starving...,JERRY,They're busting this guy.
GEORGE,They're cuffing him.,JERRY,I can't believe this.
GEORGE,Hi.,JERRY,"Hi, I'm Jerry."
GEORGE,Nothing.,JERRY,Nothing.
COP,Shut up.,JERRY,Hot out.
GUY,"I don't know, five bucks a night.",JERRY,"No, a dollar, two tops."
GEORGE,Narks?,JERRY,"Imagine, us narks?"
GEORGE,"Oh, thank you.",JERRY,"Suspected serial killer, he didn't actually do it."
GEORGE,"Yeah well, we don't think.",JERRY,We're pretty sure.
GUY,A dollar a night?,JERRY,"Yeah, that's a good tip!"
GUY,That stinks!,JERRY,I read it in Ann Landers.
COP,That's smog strangler.,JERRY,Kramer.
COP 2,Got him. Let's go.,JERRY,I wanna see what's happening.
KRAMER,"Hey, how are you doing? Jerry! George!",JERRY,We're doing fine. How are you?
KRAMER,"Yeah, a player...",JERRY,"Kramer, do you realize what's going on here? Do you know why you're here?"
KRAMER,"What? What this? I'll be out of here in couple of hours. Hey, guess who I met today? Rick Savage, oh nice kid, really good kid. You know, we're talking about doing a project together.",JERRY,"Kramer, you've been arrested as a serial killer!"
KRAMER,"So? I'm innocent! I mean you guys believe that I'm innocent, don't you? Jerry? George?",JERRY,"Well, yeah...sure."
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,What happened?
KRAMER,Somebody got killed while they had me in custody.,JERRY,Really? Did you hear that? Somebody else was killed!
GEORGE,You're kidding? Somebody else got killed?,JERRY,While you were in jail. So you're free.
KRAMER,"Yes, I'm free. (singing) 'cause the murderer struck again!",JERRY,"So Kramer, what are you going to do?"
GEORGE,I'd like to hear that.,JERRY,Yeah...
KRAMER,"Well, I'm not saying that! You know, things are going pretty well for me here. I met a girl...",JERRY,"Kramer, she was murdered!"
GEORGE,"What did they put on this tuna? Tastes like a dill, I think it's a dill.",JERRY,So you're not gonna come back to New York with us?
GEORGE,"Taste this, is this a dill?",JERRY,"No, it's tarragon. Hey Kramer, I'm sorry about that whole fight we had about you having my apartment keys and everything."
GEORGE,"Tarragon? Oh, you're crazy.",JERRY,"Well, take it easy."
KRAMER,"Hey hey, whoa come on give me a hug...",JERRY,"Oh, no..."
GEORGE,"No, you're crushing my sandwich.",JERRY,"Yeah, it's so nice when it happens to you."
GEORGE,Mint?,JERRY,No thanks.
GEORGE,"I've got to tell you, I'm really disappointed in Lupe.",JERRY,"It's been three days already, forget about Lupe."
GEORGE,Do you think she gets to take any of those little bars of soap home?,JERRY,"No, I don't."
GEORGE,"You would think that at the end of the week when they hand out the checks, throw in a few soaps.",JERRY,"Yeah, maybe they should throw in a couple of lamps too."
GEORGE,"I'll tell you something, if I'd own a company, my employees would love me. They'd have huge pictures of me up on the walls and in their home, like Lenin.",JERRY,How much did you wound up tipping her?
GEORGE,"Oh my God, I forgot!",JERRY,"Well, communism didn't work."
KRAMER,Any mustard? This is empty.,JERRY,"Yeah, there's a new one in there."
KRAMER,"No no, I don't like this one. It's too yellow. Any pickles?",JERRY,Help yourself.
KRAMER,Getting something to eat.,JERRY,"Kramer, here!"
GEORGE,What did they do for toilet paper in the civil war?,JERRY,What?
GEORGE,I wonder what toilet paper was loike in the 1860's. Did they carry it in rolls in their duffle bags?,JERRY,Everything with you comes down to toilet paper.
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,That's always the first question with you. Why is that always your focus?
GEORGE,"All right, so what did they do?",JERRY,I don't know. Maybe they gave out fig leaf clumps to all the soldiers.
GEORGE,Well I think it would be nice if there was some kind of historical record of it.,JERRY,"Maybe they should have a toilet paper museum. Would you like that? So we could see all the toilet paper advancements down through the ages. Toilet paper of the Crusades, the development of the perforation, the first six-pack . . ."
STU,"Excuse me, Jerry? I'm Stu Chermak. I'm with NBC.",JERRY,Hi.
STU,Could we speak for a few moments?,JERRY,Sure.
JAY,"Hi, Jay Crespi.",JERRY,Hello.
JAY,"Mm, I'm not-",JERRY,George-
STU,"First of all, that was a terrific show.",JERRY,Oh thank you very much.
STU,"And basically, I just wanted to let you know that we've been discussing you at some of our meetings and we'd be very interested in doing something.",JERRY,Really? Wow.
STU,"So, if you have any idea for like a TV show for yourself, well, we'd just love to talk about it.",JERRY,I'd be very interested in something like that.
STU,"Well, here, uh, why don't you give us a call and maybe we can develop a series.",JERRY,Okay. Great. Thanks.
STU,It was very nice meeting you.,JERRY,Thank you.
JAY,Nice meeting you.,JERRY,Nice meeting you.
GEORGE,What was that all about?,JERRY,They said they were interested in me.
GEORGE,For what?,JERRY,"You know, a TV show."
GEORGE,Your own show?,JERRY,"Yeah, I guess so."
GEORGE,They want you to do a TV show?,JERRY,"Well, they want me to come up with an idea. I mean, I don't have any ideas."
GEORGE,"Come on, how hard is that? Look at all the junk that's on TV. You want an idea? Here's an idea. You coach gymnastics team in high school. And you're married. And your son's not interested in gymnastics and you're pushing him into gymnastics.",JERRY,Why should I care if my son's into gymnastics?
GEORGE,Because you're a gymnastics teacher. It's only natural.,JERRY,But gymnastics is not for everybody.
GEORGE,"I know, but he's your son.",JERRY,So what?
GEORGE,"All right, forget that idea, it's not for you....Okay, okay, I got it. You run an antique store.",JERRY,Yeah and...?
GEORGE,And people come in the store and you get involved in their lives.,JERRY,What person who runs an antique store gets involved in people's lives?
GEORGE,Why not?,JERRY,So someone comes in to buy an old lamp and all of a sudden I'm getting them out of a jam? I could see if I was a pharmacist because a pharmacist knows what's wrong with everybody that comes in.
GEORGE,"I know, but antiques are very popular right now.",JERRY,"No they're not, they used to be."
GEORGE,"Oh yeah, like you know.",JERRY,Oh like you do.
KRAMER,...And you're the manager of the circus.,JERRY,A circus?
KRAMER,"Come on, this is a great idea. Look at the characters. You've got all these freaks on the show. A woman with a moustache? I mean, who wouldn't tune in to see a women with a moustache? You've for the tallest man in the world; a guy who's just a head.",JERRY,I don't think so.
KRAMER,"Look Jerry, the show isn't about the circus, it's about watching freaks.",JERRY,I don't think the network will go for it.
KRAMER,Why not?,JERRY,"Look, I'm not pitching a show about freaks."
NEWMAN,Kramer.,JERRY,Hello Newman.
JERRY AND NEWMAN,"Yeah, sure.",JERRY,What's this all about?
NEWMAN,We're making a trade. I'm giving him my motorcycle helmet - he's giving me his radar detector.,JERRY,I didn't know you had a motorctcle.
NEWMAN,Well my girlfriend had one.,JERRY,You have a girlfriend?
NEWMAN,I HAD a girlfriend and she was pretty wild.,JERRY,I never remember you with a girl.
NEWMAN,"Nevertheless, ...",JERRY,This is a pretty bad deal for Kramer. You know a radar detector is worth much more than that helmet. I think you're cheating him.
NEWMAN,Don't say anything.,JERRY,All right.
KRAMER,You let go - come on ...(they fight over the items),JERRY,Gimme that - just gimme that. Here. Idiots!
NEWMAN,Thanks buddy. So long he he ...(exits),JERRY,Does that thing work?
KRAMER,Nah.,JERRY,... I just got a postcard from Elaine?
GEORGE,Really?,JERRY,"Yeah, they're in London now. They'll be back in a few weeks."
GEORGE,"So, what's happening with the TV show? You come up with anything?",JERRY,"No, nothing."
GEORGE,Why don't they have salsa on the table?,JERRY,What do you need salsa for?
GEORGE,Salsa is now the number one condiment in America.,JERRY,"You know why? Because people like to say ""salsa."" ""Excuse me, do you have salsa?"" ""We need more salsa."" ""Where is the salsa? No salsa?"""
GEORGE,"You know it must be impossible for a Spanish person to order seltzer and not get salsa. (Angry) ""I wanted seltzer, not salsa.""",JERRY,"""Don't you know the difference between seltzer and salsa?? You have the seltezer after the salsa!"""
GEORGE,"See, this should be a show. This is the show.",JERRY,What?
GEORGE,This. Just talking.,JERRY,"(dismissing) Yeah, right."
GEORGE,I'm really serious. I think that's a good idea.,JERRY,Just talking? Well what's the show about?
GEORGE,It's about nothing.,JERRY,No story?
GEORGE,No forget the story.,JERRY,You've got to have a story.
GEORGE,"Who says you gotta have a story? Remember when we were waiting for, for that table in that Chinese restaurant that time? That could be a TV show.",JERRY,And who is on the show? Who are the characters?
GEORGE,I could be a character.,JERRY,You?
GEORGE,Yeah. You could base a character on me.,JERRY,"So, on the show, there's a character named George Costanza?"
GEORGE,"Yeah. There's something wrong with that? I'm a character. People are always saying to me, ""You know you're a quite a character.""",JERRY,And who else is on the show?
GEORGE,Elaine could be a character. Kramer..,JERRY,Now he's a character. (Pause) So everybody I know is a character on the show.
GEORGE,Right.,JERRY,And it's about nothing?
GEORGE,Absolutely nothing.,JERRY,"So you're saying, I go in to NBC, and tell them I got this idea for a show about nothing."
GEORGE,We go into NBC.,JERRY,"""We""? Since when are you a writer?"
GEORGE,(Scoffs) Writer. We're talking about a sit-com.,JERRY,You want to go with me to NBC?
GEORGE,Yeah. I think we really go something here.,JERRY,What do we got?
GEORGE,An idea.,JERRY,What idea?
GEORGE,An idea for the show.,JERRY,I still don't know what the idea is.
GEORGE,It's about nothing.,JERRY,Right.
GEORGE,"Everybody's doing something, we'll do nothing.",JERRY,"So, we go into NBC, we tell them we've got an idea for a show about nothing."
GEORGE,Exactly.,JERRY,"They say, ""What's your show about?"" I say, ""Nothing."""
GEORGE,There you go.,JERRY,(Nodding) I think you may have something there.
KRAMER,"(Thinks) No, I don't think so.",JERRY,What do you mean you don't think so?
KRAMER,I don't like it.,JERRY,I don't understand. What don't you like about it?
KRAMER,I don't like the idea of a character based on me.,JERRY,Why not?
KRAMER,well it just doesn't sit well.,JERRY,You're my neighbor. There's got to be a character based on you.
KRAMER,"That's your problem, buddy.",JERRY,I don't understand what the big deal is.
KRAMER,"Hey, I'll tell you what - you can do it on one condition.",JERRY,Whatever you want.
KRAMER,I get to play Kramer.,JERRY,You can't play Kramer.
KRAMER,I am Kramer.,JERRY,But you can't act.
KRAMER,Phew!,JERRY,"Okay, fine. We'll use Newman."
NEWMAN,Use me for what?,JERRY,Nothin' What do you want?
NEWMAN,You gave me a defective detector. ... Jerry?,JERRY,Buyer beware.
NEWMAN,"No, but there's karma, Kramer.",JERRY,Karma Kramer?
NEWMAN,And one more thing. I'm not coming to your party. (exits),JERRY,"(To himself) Salsa, seltzer. Hey, excuse me, you got any salsa? No, not selzer, salsa. (George doesn't react) What's the matter?"
GEORGE,(Nervous) Nothing.,JERRY,You sure? You look a little pale.
GEORGE,"No, I'm fine. I'm good. I'm very good.",JERRY,"What, are you nervous?"
GEORGE,"No, not nervous. I'm good, very good. (A beat, then he snaps) I can't do this! Can't do this!",JERRY,What?
GEORGE,I can't do this! I can't do it. I have tried. I'm here. It's impossible.,JERRY,This was your idea!
GEORGE,What idea? I just said something. I didn't know you were going to listen to me.,JERRY,Dont' worry about it. They're just TV executives.
GEORGE,"They're men with jobs, Jerry! They wear suits and ties. They're married, they have secretaries.",JERRY,I told you not to come.
GEORGE,I need some water. I gotta get some water.,JERRY,They'll give us water in there.
GEORGE,Really? That's pretty good.,JERRY,"Oh God, it's Joe Devola."
GEORGE,Who?,JERRY,"This guy's a writer, he's a total nut. I think he goes to the same shrink as Elaine."
DEVOLA,Hello Jerry.,JERRY,Hey Joe! HOW YOU DOING?
DEVOLA,You're under no obligation to shake my hand.,JERRY,"Oh, no, Just a custom. Uh, THAT'S MY FRIEND GEORGE. YOU LOOK GOOD."
DEVOLA,Why shouldn't I look good?,JERRY,"Oh, no reason. You're into karate right?"
DEVOLA,You want to hit me?,JERRY,What are you doing here?
DEVOLA,I dreopped a script off.,JERRY,"AH, GOOD FOR YOU."
DEVOLA,You don't have to say anything.,JERRY,"No, Uh, hey I guess I'll see you Sunday night."
DEVOLA,Why?,JERRY,Kramer's party.
DEVOLA,Kramer's ... having ... a ... party?,JERRY,"No, no, he's not having a party. He's doing something. I don't know what it is. It's nothing. He's not doing anything."
DEVOLA,"Gee, I thought Kramer and I were very close friends.",JERRY,"No, I'm sure you are. I'm sure you are very close friends. Very close."
GEORGE,What was that?,JERRY,"I can't believe what I just did. I didn't know kramer didn't invite him. I better call Kramer, ..."
GEORGE,"Okay, okay. Look, you do all the talking, okay?",JERRY,Relax. Who are they?
GEORGE,"Yeah, they're not better than me.",JERRY,Course not.
GEORGE,Who are they?,JERRY,They're nobody.
GEORGE,What about me?,JERRY,What about you?
GEORGE,Why them? Why not me?,JERRY,Why not you?
GEORGE,I'm as good as them.,JERRY,Better.
GEORGE,You really think so?,JERRY,No.
GEORGE,"The parakeet in the mirror. That's a good one, Stu.",JERRY,"Yeah, it's one of my favorites."
GEORGE,"(Quickly making it up) Well, possibly. I wrote an off-Broadway show, ""La Cocina."" ..Actually, it was off-off-Broadway. It was a comedy about a Mexican chef.",JERRY,"Oh, it was very funny. There was one great scene with the chef - what was his name?"
GEORGE,Pepe.,JERRY,"Oh, Pepe. Yeah, Pepe. And, uh, he was making tamales."
RUSSELL,"So, what have you two come up with?",JERRY,"Well, we've thought about this in a variety of ways. But the basic idea is I will play myself-"
GEORGE,(Interrupting) May I?,JERRY,Go ahead.
GEORGE,The show is about nothing.,JERRY,"(To George) Well, it's not about nothing."
GEORGE,"(To Jerry) No, it's about nothing.",JERRY,"Well, maybe in philosophy. But, even nothing is something."
SUSAN,What's the premise?,JERRY,"..Well, as I was saying, I would play myself, and, as a comedian, living in New York, I have a friend, a neighbor, and an ex-girlfriend, which is all true."
RUSSELL,You read? You read on the show?,JERRY,"Well, I don't know about the reading.. We didn't discuss the reading."
RUSSELL,(Confused) How is that a show?,JERRY,"Well, uh, maybe something happens on the way to work."
GEORGE,"No, no, no. Nothing happens.",JERRY,"Well, something happens."
GEORGE,"Okay, uh, look, if you want to just keep on doing the same old thing, then maybe this idea is not for you. I, for one, am not going to compromise my artistic integrity. And I'll tell you something else, this is the show and we're not going to change it. (To Jerry) Right?",JERRY,(To Russell) How about this I manage a circus..
GEORGE,. . . I thought the woman was kind of cute.,JERRY,Hold it. I really want to be clear about this. Are you talking about the woman in the meeting? Is that the woman you're talking about?
GEORGE,"Yeah, I thought I might give her a call. I, I don't meet that many women. I meet like three women a year. I mean, we've been introduced. She knows my name.",JERRY,IT'S COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE!
GEORGE,"Why? Maybe she liked me. I, I mean she was looking right at me. You know, I think she was impressed. You know, we had good eye contact the whole meeting.",JERRY,"Oh, I forgot to call Kramer."
GEORGE,Wait a minute let me call Susan.,JERRY,"No, no this is more important."
GEORGE,She might be leaving to work any minute.,JERRY,"No, I got to warn him that I told Joe Devola about his party."
ELAINE,"Well, come on we're on vacation.",JERRY,"Well we were standing uh, inn the waiting area there, and you know how Devola is. He's all, ... (buzzer)"
GEORGE,(OC) It's George.,JERRY,"And so, uh I felt very uncomfortable with him and you know I just blurted out something about your party."
KRAMER,"Whoa, back up a second.",JERRY,"Well, I didn't know that you didn't invite him."
KRAMER,Why would you think I would invite him?,JERRY,"I just a ssumed, ..."
GEORGE,"Hello, oh, hello. You remember, ... Susan, from N B C.",JERRY,Of course. How are you?
GEORGE,"All right go ahead Susan, tell him.",JERRY,Tell me what?
SUSAN,"Well, I, (phone rings)",JERRY,"Uh, sorry, Excuse me one second. Hello."
TEL,"Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service.",JERRY,"Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later."
TEL,"Uh, I'm sorry we're not allowed to do that.",JERRY,"Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home."
TEL,No.,JERRY,Well now you know how I feel. (Hangs up)
GEORGE,"Well, go ahead, tell him.",JERRY,"Kramer, are you drinking that milk?"
KRAMER,Yeah.,JERRY,What's the expiration date on that?
KRAMER,September third.,JERRY,The third?
GEORGE,I never should have brought her up there. Should have known better. Should have seen it coming. I didn't see it coming.,JERRY,I think SHE saw it coming.
GEORGE,You know she was behind the idea. She was going to champion the show. That's what I was bring her up there to tell you. And she liked me.,JERRY,Look just because Kramer vomited on her doesn't mean the deal is dead.
GEORGE,"What, are you crazy? It's a traumatic thing to be thrown up on.",JERRY,"Vommiting is not a deal breaker. If Hitler had vommited on Chamberlin, Chamberlind still would have given him Chekoslovakia."
GEORGE,"Chamberlind, you could hold his head in nthe toilet, he'd still give you half of Europe.",JERRY,What happened to you?
KRAMER,Devola came after me.,JERRY,What? Devola? See I told you this guy is crazy. I can't believe this. What happened?
KRAMER,"Can I have a coffee. ... What, you know I was walking home and I had to pick up my helmet from the shop, you know. I gota new strap. And I had it on you know, and I was checking the strap out to make sure it fit. Then suddenly I feel this kick hit me on the side of the head. It knocks me down, I look up and it's Crazy Joe Devola. And he say's, ""That's what I thin k of your party.""",JERRY,"Boy, that is some kick."
KRAMER,"Well, yeah, Newman's helmet, it saved my life. Look at that.",JERRY,"Wow, Newman's helmet."
KRAMER,I got bad news for you buddy. Devola says you're next.,JERRY,"Me, why?"
KRAMER,He doesn't like you.,JERRY,What does he want from me? I didn't do anything. See this is all Elaine's fault. She took off to Europe with his psychiatrist. He probably can't get his medication. Now I got some nut after me.
GEORGE,Wait a second. (smells it). all right.,JERRY,(going through couch cushions) Where the hell did I put this?
KRAMER,What are you looking for?,JERRY,"The remote, the remote, I can't find the remote. Did I lost, I lost it. Did you take it? Did you put it some place?"
KRAMER,"No, no, no.",JERRY,"All right, what is this?"
KRAMER,(clueless) what is what?,JERRY,"All right, very funny. I get it."
KRAMER,You're in a weird mood.,JERRY,Come on. Go back to your apartment and fix it.
KRAMER,Fix what?,JERRY,Your pants!
KRAMER,what is this? What have I got one pant leg on for?,JERRY,Don't you know? Look-look at your face! You only shaved the right side of your face! What is this? A joke?
KRAMER,"No, t's a joke.. a joke... a joke... you think this is funny?",JERRY,Go look at your face in the mirror.
KRAMER,Wha-huh-wha-huh...,JERRY,(pressing intercom) yeah?
GEORGE,(on intercom) It's George.,JERRY,Come on up.
KRAMER,I don't believe this.,JERRY,"You mean, you didn't know you were doing any of these things?"
KRAMER,"No, I swear.",JERRY,I bet this is from that kick from that crazy Joe Davola. You better see a doctor and get some X-rays.
GEORGE,A dry-cleaning bill?,JERRY,From that woman at NBC?
GEORGE,"(to Jerry) Yeah, your milk.",JERRY,(pointing Kramer) He drank it.
KRAMER,I didn't know.,JERRY,"All right, well, we should all chip in I guess."
KRAMER,Yeah.,JERRY,How much was it to clean the vest?
GEORGE,Eighteen dollars.,JERRY,Can you get vomit out of suede?
KRAMER,Yo-yo Ma!,JERRY,What? Yo-yo Ma?
KRAMER,What about him?,JERRY,You just said 'Yo-yo Ma'.
GEORGE,What's Yo-yo Ma?,JERRY,He's a cellist. (to Kramer) You should see a doctor today.
GEORGE,"All right, come on, come on, let's go. Six dollars.",JERRY,I can't believe she sent you that dry-cleaning bill.
GEORGE,I know!,JERRY,"That doesn't really bode well for the show, does it?"
GEORGE,The show! Forget about the show! We should take the idea to a different network,JERRY,"Oh, yeah. Right. Like anybody's ever gonna do this! How did you get me to go along with that? A show about nothing!"
GEORGE,Anyway.,JERRY,"(interrupts) What are you doing? What's wrong with you? What're you doing? Give me that phone! Go to your apartment and lie down, I'll make an appointment for a doctor today. (on the phone) Hello? Oh hi! I'm sorry. No, that's my next door neighbor. He's not quite himself. He got kicked in the head. What? Really? You're kidding! Today? Yeah! Sure! We could make it. Two o'clock? Yeah, we would do that. Okay. Great! Thanks a million! Okay, bye."
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,NBC! They wanna have another meeting about the idea.
GEORGE,"They wanna have another meeting? They wanna buy it?! They wanna but it?! Oh! I tell you! We're gonna be rich!! What are we gonna get for this? Fifty, sixty thousand?",JERRY,I don't know about sixty.
GEORGE,"Oh, it's gotta be fifty! Hee hee! You know how much Ted Danson makes, huh?",JERRY,"Ted Danson! Now, how are you comparing us to Ted Danson?"
GEORGE,I didn't say 'We're Ted Danson.',JERRY,"Yes, you did. You said 'We're Ted Danson'!"
GEORGE,Oh!,JERRY,"You know, I think he wears a piece."
GEORGE,"Yeah, don't worry. He can afford it.",JERRY,I'm ten minutes slow again! That's it for this piece of junk! I've had it.
GEORGE,"What, is that the one your parents gave you?",JERRY,Yeah! But it never works. You know we're supposed to be there by two o'clock. We should take a cab.
GEORGE,"All right, we'll be a little late, I,m not taking a cab.",JERRY,I'll pay for it.
GEORGE,It's not the money!,JERRY,"Well, what is it you object to? The comfort? The Speed? The convenience?"
LEO,Jerry!,JERRY,Uncle Leo!
LEO,Helloooo!,JERRY,"Hello there, how're you doing?"
LEO,Ha ha! How are you?,JERRY,"Good, good."
LEO,How's your mom and dad?,JERRY,"Good, fine."
LEO,What are you getting to be too much of a big shot now to give me a call? I don't hear from you anymore!,JERRY,"Oh, no. I've been kinda busy. It's all."
LEO,You know where I just came from?,JERRY,"(not enthousiastic at all) Oh, sure. Danny."
LEO,He used to be in the pajama business. I used to be able to get pajamas for free. I used to come over and get pajamas all the time!,JERRY,"Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember."
LEO,"The funny thing is I can't wear 'em. I get too hot. I sleep in my underwear and a t-shirt. If it gets too hot, I just get the t-shirt off! Anyway, Danny says to me 'You need any pajamas?'",JERRY,"(interrupts) I-I'm sorry Uncle Leo, I really gotta get going."
LEO,"Oh. Well. You gotta get going, so go.",JERRY,"We, we got a big meeting with the president of NBC."
LEO,Nobody got a gun to your head!,JERRY,"(seems sincere) Yeah, I'm really sorry, uh."
LEO,"Go. Really. I understand. You got an appointment, go to your appointment.",JERRY,"I'm sorry, really."
LEO,"You know, I know plenty of people in Hollywood too!",JERRY,"Sorry, really."
KRAMER,Don't step on anything.,JERRY,You see the look on my uncle's face? Did you see how insulted he was? What could I do? Waht are we supposed to do? You can't leave. There's no excuse good enough to justify walking away from a conversation with one of my relatives.
GEORGE,I didn't shave this morning. I don't feel like myself.,JERRY,"You could be a fireman on a fire truck on the way to a fire. You bump into one of my relatives. 'I'm sorry Uncle Leo, there's a building full of people burning down. I really do have to be running.' He'll go 'Go. Go ahead. Go to your fancy fire. If that's what you have to do.'"
GEORGE,Look at this.,JERRY,Why didn't you shave this morning?
GEORGE,'Cause I shaved yesterday in the afternoon.,JERRY,Why?
GEORGE,Because of the day before. It's a long story.,JERRY,Is that Joe Davola?
GEORGE,It's not him!,JERRY,I can't live tlike this. I'm being stalked.
Receptionist,Mister Seinfeld? They're ready for you.,JERRY,Oh.
GEORGE,Mister Seinfeld? What about Mister Costanza? I'm not here?,JERRY,"All right. Look. Now, you promised you're gonna be a little more flexible on the nothing idea, okay? Jsut a little."
GEORGE,"Care? Forget about care. Love. They have to love the characters. Otherwise, why would they keep tuning in?",JERRY,Wouldn't tune in.
GEORGE,Would they tune in?,JERRY,No tune.
GEORGE,The show will be like a heart attack!,JERRY,Just a huge massive coronary.
GEORGE,Is-is that what I said 'no story'? Because Jerry had to tell me later.,JERRY,He couldn't believe it.
GEORGE,"Well, we would like to be in business. Let's do business. We'll have some business. Let's have business.",JERRY,We would love to be in business. We'll do business. We're in business. It's... it's business. This is business.
Stu,Would it be possible to get a-a-a copy of 'La Cocina'?,JERRY,Your off-Broadway play.
GEORGE,"Oh, oh. Uh, you know. It's the damndest thing. I, uh, I moved recently and my files, pfff, disappeared. Now, I-I don't know if they fell off the truck or if there was some sort of foul play but let me tell you something. I'm not through with that moving company.",JERRY,"(backs his story) Hmm, hmm."
GEORGE,Oh! That's good judgment. That's a pile of judgment there. Sure.,JERRY,"Oh! Taht's judgment. Yes, yes. Judgment with earrings on. Yeah."
GEORGE,See?,JERRY,Yeah!
GEORGE,"I told you, I told you! Ha ha ha! Ooh ooh!",JERRY,"Now, all we gotta do is write it."
SUSAN,Hey! Congratulations!,JERRY,Thanks.
GEORGE,"Oh, thank you.",JERRY,"Thank you, thanks."
Receptionist,"Mister Seinfeld, you have a phone call.",JERRY,Phone call? Who knows I'm here?
SUSAN,Bye.,JERRY,Bye thanks.
GEORGE,"(chuckles) Bye, thanks. (To Jerry, when Susan is far) I can't believe she took the money.",JERRY,Why?
GEORGE,I offered to pay. She should've said no.,JERRY,"She did, you insisted."
GEORGE,"Maybe this is what the pilot should be about, vomiting on somebody's vest.",JERRY,Nah!
GEORGE,"How much are we gonna get for this? Fifty, sixty thousand?",JERRY,"oh, I d-I don't know. I d---"
GEORGE,"Oh, gotta get fifty. Gotta get fifty. All right, I tell you what. We go to the coffee shop, you call your manager. Maybe they made an offer.",JERRY,Okay.
GEORGE,Thirteen thousand?,JERRY,Thirteen thousand.
GEORGE,a piece?,JERRY,"No, for both!"
GEORGE,That's insulting! Ted Danson makes eight hundred thousand dollars an episode.,JERRY,"Oh, would you stop with the Ted Danson?"
GEORGE,"Well, he does.",JERRY,You're nuts!
GEORGE,I'm sorry. I can't live knowing Ted Danson makes that much more than me. Who is he?,JERRY,He's somebody.
GEORGE,What about me?,JERRY,You're nobody.
GEORGE,Why him? Why not me?,JERRY,"He's good, you're not."
GEORGE,I'm better than him.,JERRY,"You're worse, much much worse. (crouches in booth) That's Davola!"
GEORGE,(crouches too) What? Where? Where?,JERRY,Outside! I saw him outside!
BOYFRIEND,"Nah, you don't understand. He could be dangerous.",JERRY,Go outside and see if he's still there.
GEORGE,"I can't go out there, he knows we're friends.",JERRY,"Well, what are we supposed to do? I gotta take Kramer to the doctor."
GEORGE,Tell the cop.,JERRY,Good idea.
COP,"Yeah, all right. Just let me get a muffin.",JERRY,Thanks.
GEORGE,I thought you said he was gonna get a muffin.,JERRY,(bossy) What are you doing?
COP,What?,JERRY,"What, are you ordering food now?"
COP,"Yeah! Yeah, I decided to get a sandwich.",JERRY,What happened to the muffin?
COP,I got a little hungry.,JERRY,All of a sudden you get hungry?
COP,Yeah! You got a problem with that?,JERRY,No! Enjoy your lunch.
GEORGE,I thought he was just gonna have a muffin.,JERRY,All of a sudden he gets hungry.
GEORGE,"You know, a muffin can be very filling.",JERRY,I know!
NEWMAN,(Strangling Kramer) What's the matter with you? We had it all worked out!,JERRY,Do you see him?
GEORGE,I'm not* sure.,JERRY,"Well, either you see him or you don't."
GEORGE,All right. I don't.,JERRY,(looking at the cop) What is he doing? Is he getting coffee? I think he's getting coffee.!
GEORGE,What's with this guy?,JERRY,(still bossy) Did you just order coffee?
COP,Yeah.,JERRY,This is really too much.
COP,What is your problem?,JERRY,"Well, I'm sitting over there waiting for you to finish your sandwich for twenty minutes. Now you're drinking coffee, that's gonna be another ten minutes."
NEWMAN,You're off your rocker.,JERRY,Hey you guys!
KRAMER,Hey!,JERRY,What are you doing here?
KRAMER,What are YOU doing here?,JERRY,"Hey, is Davola outside?"
KRAMER,Davola?,JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,"(reading the tabs) Jerry, yours is eleven dollars.",JERRY,Eleven dollars for what?
GEORGE,"Muffin, sandwich and coffee!",JERRY,"(to Kramer) Hey, NBC okayed our idea. We're gonna make the pilot."
KRAMER,"You're gonna do the circus freak show, uh?",JERRY,No.
GEORGE,What's the difference? The money is not important.,JERRY,"(looking outside) Hey Newman, is that your red car?"
NEWMAN,Yeah.,JERRY,I think you're getting a ticket.
KRAMER,I saw the whole thing!,JERRY,Maybe this whole thing would be a good idea for the pilot.
GEORGE,"Ah, get outta here. The vomiting is much funnier.",JERRY,"Oh, like you know what you're talking about!"
GEORGE,"No, YOU do!",JERRY,So George and I went up to NBC and we told them the idea for a series now we're just waiting to sign the contract.
HELEN,And they liked the idea?,JERRY,Yeah.
HELEN,Since when is George a writer?,JERRY,What writer? It's a sitcom.
HELEN,This is so exciting. When are you going to sign the contract?,JERRY,"Soon, there's a couple of problems."
MORTY,"Jerry, I wanna tell you that meal was the worst.",JERRY,What do you expect? It's airline food.
MORTY,They give you that *Fish.*,JERRY,How could you eat fish on a plane?
HELEN,What kind of problems?,JERRY,"Well, George doesn't think $13,000 is enough money."
HELEN,"Jerry, I want you to sign that contract.",JERRY,We're going to sign it. We're going to sign it. In fact George is out with the woman from NBC right now.
HELEN,Were you waiting long at the gate?,JERRY,"Um, I don't even know?"
HELEN,Where's that watch we bought you?,JERRY,Oh uh ...
GEORGE,Wha-Is that the one your parents gave you?,JERRY,"Yeah, but it never works."
MORTY,"I got a guarantee on that watch. Give it to me, I'll take it back to where we got it.",JERRY,It's at the jeweler.
MORTY,You send me the bill.,JERRY,I'm not sending you the bill.
MORTY,"Here, I got it.",JERRY,What are you talking about? It's my car. Let me pay for the gas.
MORTY,"No, no put it away . . .",JERRY,Dad!
MORTY,Stop it.,JERRY,I have money. I make money.
MORTY,"Yeah, yeah, you make money.",JERRY,You don't think I make money. That's what you think isn't it?
HELEN,"No, I don't think that.",JERRY,Yes you do. That's what you both think.
MORTY,I'm paying.,JERRY,Dad I'm paying.
MORTY,Get out of here.,JERRY,You're not paying.
MORTY,"Now Jerry please, do not do this to your father. Over my dead body Jerry. I'll tell you right now, you're not going to do it.",JERRY,No don't do this. You're not doing this. I will fight you. No you don't... No.
MORTY,Nothing nothing.,JERRY,Leave it. What about your back?
MORTY,"All right, all right.",JERRY,You come all the way up here to see a back specialist and you're lifting heavy suit cases.
KRAMER,"Well, I was having this party and I didn't invite him and then Jerry, tipped him off.",JERRY,Why did you tell this crazy guy that Kramer didn't invite him to his party?
HELEN,So why did you say anything?,JERRY,It was a mistake.
HELEN,So what's the matter with this Devola guy?,JERRY,He's got like a chemical imbalance. He needs to be on medication.
KRAMER,"Oh, yeah, yeah. He's after Jerry now.",JERRY,Kramer!!
HELEN,He's what?!,JERRY,He's joking.
HELEN,He's after you?,JERRY,Nooo.
HELEN,Why is he after you?,JERRY,He's not after me.
MORTY,I'll make a few phone calls.,JERRY,Who you gonna to call?
HELEN,I want to know what you did to this guy that he's after you.,JERRY,I didn't do anything.
HELEN,Well you must have done something.,JERRY,"No, he just doesn't like me."
HELEN,Doesn't like you? How could anyone not like you?,JERRY,You know it seems impossible.
HELEN,Doesn't - doesn't like you? How could that be?,JERRY,"Ma, I know this may be hard for you to understand but I am sure there are many people who do not like me."
HELEN,"Huh, Jerry, don't say that.",JERRY,It's true.
KRAMER,"Yeah, I like him. Hey Jerry, what time you got?",JERRY,"Um, I haven't got my watch on. It's being fixed."
KRAMER,When you getting it back?,JERRY,"Uh, next week."
KRAMER,Next week? How come it's takin' so long?,JERRY,Huh?
KRAMER,I said how come it's takin' so long?,JERRY,"I don't know. They're, backed up."
KRAMER,"Wait a minute, wait a minute, where did you take it?",JERRY,Where'd I take it?
KRAMER,Yeah.,JERRY,"Where did I take it? Where Did I Take It? (stabbing a knife into a cutting board) Umm, to that place on, uh Columbus and 85th. Okay?"
KRAMER,What? Jimmy Sherman?,JERRY,Yeah.
KRAMER,"Yeah, I know the guy. I take my stuff in there all the time. Yeah, I bet I can get your watch back by tomorrow morning.",JERRY,"No, Kramer, I don't want you to say anything to him."
KRAMER,"No, I'd be happy to. He's a friend of mine.",JERRY,I'd like to follow the regular procedures. I don't want any special treatment.
KRAMER,I get that too. (exits),JERRY,Be right back. (follows Kramer out)
KRAMER,"Y-Yeah, all right.",JERRY,All right.
RECEPTIONIST,"Julie, you want to take him back?",JERRY,You what? You passed? How could you do that?
GEORGE,"ahhhhh (exhaling) Jerry, my young friend, you're so nave. You are so, so nave. You know about a few things. You know about comedy, a little bit about relationships, some baseball, but you are so far out of your element here, you are embarrassing yourself. Now listen to me. I'm negotiating. Negotiation, this is what'cha do in business.",JERRY,"Let me explain to you what you just did. There are literally hundreds of people trying to get pilot deals with them this year. They go with maybe, five. Okay, if we pass, that's it. They go to the next show."
GEORGE,"Ooooo, I'm scared. . . . Ohoooo they're not going to do the show.",JERRY,"We're lucky they're even interested in the idea in the first place. We got a show about nothing. With no story. What do you think, they're up there going, hey maybe we should give those two guys, who have no experience and no idea, more money!?"
GEORGE,Ohooo what are we going to do? I'm shaking! I'm shaking!,JERRY,"Well, I think you're wrong."
GEORGE,"Well, we'll just see.",JERRY,Yes we will.
GEORGE,Yes we will.,JERRY,I just said that.
GEORGE,I know you did.,JERRY,So good for you.
GEORGE,So good for you.,JERRY,What are you repeating everything I'm saying?
GEORGE,What are you repeating everything I'm saying?,JERRY,Well George is an idiot.
GEORGE,"Oh hey, by the way. Do you want a box 'a, Cuban cigars? I smoked one last night. I got nauseous.",JERRY,No I don't want ?em.
KRAMER,Castro eh? Pasto costillo homiga (nonsense Spanish),JERRY,Yeah?
VOICE,Federal Express.,JERRY,Federal Express? Come on up. . . . Federal Express. I'm not expecting a package.
KRAMER,"Wooo, you know what you just did? You let a burglar in the building.",JERRY,You think so?
KRAMER,Federal Express? Of course. That's the oldest trick in the book. You know it might not be a burglar it could be a murderer.,JERRY,So you want to just abolish all home package deliveries.
KRAMER,wait det doit ... dit (Kramer noises -- he prepares for a fight by rolling up a magazine),JERRY,Who is it?
ELAINE,"Oh, shut up (pushes Kramer)",JERRY,I missed you.
ELAINE,Really? You really missed me?,JERRY,"Yeah, . . . seriously."
GEORGE,"Yeah, yeah, me to miss -- I miss.",JERRY,"Yeah, big missing goin' on (spreads arms wide)"
ELAINE,"Oh god, Who's suitcase is this?",JERRY,"Oh, it's my parents. My father came up to see a back specialist."
GEORGE,"Boy, you look really great.",JERRY,Yeah.
ELAINE,"Hu hu, ha ha ha.",JERRY,So tell us about the trip. How's Dr. Reston?
ELAINE,"Oh, he's fine.",JERRY,Things are good?
ELAINE,"Yeah, you know (scratches cheek and sniffs)",JERRY,Uh oh.
ELAINE,"What, Uh oh?",JERRY,Did you see that?
ELAINE,What?,JERRY,It's a tell. You gotta tell.
ELAINE,What tell? What's a tell?,JERRY,"When you ask someone about their relationship and they touch their face, you know it's not going too well. Go ahead ask me how it's going with somebody."
ELAINE,"Um, uh, who's it going with, uh, Alice?",JERRY,"Good, going good (scratches chin) And the higher up on the face you go the worse the relationship is getting. You know it is like - pretty good - not bad - I gotta get out. (scratches chin, nose then covers eyes with hands)"
GEORGE,You almost did the nose.,JERRY,What are you eating my peanut butter out of the jar with your disgusting index fingers? This is a sickening display. (takes the peanut butter jar away from George)
GEORGE,What? I'm not eating bread now. I'm off bread.,JERRY,(To George) You're off bread. (To Elaine) So what happened is it over?
ELAINE,No not quite.,JERRY,Why not?
ELAINE,"He has this power over me, okay. I mean he has this way of manipulating every little word that I say. He's like a Svenjolly.",JERRY,Svengali.
ELAINE,What did I say?,JERRY,Svenjolly.
ELAINE,Svenjolly? I did not say Svenjolly.,JERRY,George?
ELAINE,I don't see how I could have said Svenjolly.,JERRY,"Well maybe he's got like a, cheerful mental hold on you."
ELAINE,I don't think so.,JERRY,Nice try.
ELAINE,"Okay, okay. Yeah I'll have Kramer give you a call.",JERRY,So you didn't even let the doctor treat you?
LEO,Hello...,JERRY,Hi Uncle Leo.
HELEN,"Morty, doesn't that watch look like the one that we gave Jerry.",JERRY,"Hey, where's the waiter. Dad, what say we have some red meat tonight. Let's live a little. ."
HELEN,Let me see that.,JERRY,Could we continue this another time.
"(The episode opens with a series of clips from 'The Pitch', 'The Ticket' and 'TheWallet', illustrating the story so far. A rough precis would be","George turns down the offer from NBC for the show, telling Jerry he's negotiating. Susan gives George a box of Cuban cigars from her father, which hepasses to Kramer, who sets fire to his hair while lighting one. Jerry's parents come to town, so's Morty can see a back specialist - he slept on the fold-out. Kramer tells Jerry's parents that Crazy Joe Davola is after Jerry. Jerry throws away a watch his parents gave him, because it doesn't keep time. Uncle Leo fetches it out of the garbage. Jerry tells his parents his watch is at the jeweller for repair. At the doctor's, Morty reveals his hatred of velcro and his wallet disappears. Elaine returns from Europe, eager to rid herself of the 'Svenjolly' Dr Reston. George tells her to inform the doctor she's seeing someone else. Elaine opts to say she's seeing Kramer, and Dr Reston wants to meet him.)",JERRY,"It's an entire industry of bad gifts, aren't they? All those executive gifts, any stupid, goofy, brass, wood thing, they put a piece of green felt on the bottom. ""It's a golf, desk, tie and stress organiser, dad."" But to me, nothing compares with the paperweight as a bad gift. There's no better way than a paperweight, to express to someone that, ""I refuse to put any thought into this at all."" Where are these people working that the papers are just blowing right off of their desks? What, are their desks screwed to the back of a flat-bed truck going down the highway or something? What, are they typing up in the crow's nest of a clipper ship? What do you need a paperweight for?"
MORTY,"(to Leo) I don't understand this jeweller, Jimmy Sherman. (indicates Jerry) He brings in a watch, it takes over a week to fix. He fixed yours in one day.",JERRY,"Oh, you know these jewellers, they're enigmas. They're mysteries, wrapped in a riddle."
HELEN,(indicating to Jerry) She's very attractive.,JERRY,She's okay.
HELEN,Just okay?,JERRY,She's nice.
HELEN,She's better than nice.,JERRY,She's all right.
HELEN,She's beautiful.,JERRY,She's not beautiful.
HELEN,I think she's beautiful.,JERRY,So you ask her out.
HELEN,I'm not gonna ask her out.,JERRY,Why not?
HELEN,"If you don't think she's beautiful, there's something wrong with you.",JERRY,She's pretty. She's not beautiful.
HELEN,I should drop dead if she's not beautiful.,JERRY,I think that's a little extreme.
NAOMI,(to Jerry) And how was yours?,JERRY,"Ah, very good."
NAOMI,You should try our mousse. (a little flirtatious) It'll change your life expectancy.,JERRY,"No thanks, just the check."
HELEN,What's the matter with you?,JERRY,What?
HELEN,Why didn't you flirt with her?,JERRY,Come on.
HELEN,She was flirting with you. Why didn't you say something?,JERRY,What am I gonna say?
HELEN,You just sat there.,JERRY,"Well, you made me uncomfortable."
LEO,(to Morty) Where's the bathroom?,JERRY,"In the back, on your right."
HELEN,Jerry.,JERRY,Will you let me pay just once.
MORTY,You're out of your mind.,JERRY,How you gonna pay? You don't even have a wallet!
MORTY,Don't worry about it.,JERRY,What're you gonna do?
HELEN,(to Jerry) You're not paying.,JERRY,"Alright, fine. You figure something out. I'd be very curious to know how you pick up a check with no money. 'Cause if this works, the whole monetary system's obsolete, we're back to wampum. (standing) I'm going to the bathroom."
LEO,"They give you some portion here, huh?",JERRY,"Uh, yeah. (broaching a subject) Hey uncle Leo, I hope I wasn't uh, rude to you that day I bumped into you on the street. Uh, I really did have to get to a meeting."
LEO,"(preening himself in the mirror) Aw, no, no, I understand. I got plenty of friends in showbusiness. I know you're all very busy.",JERRY,"So you found that watch in the garbage can, huh?"
LEO,Yeah. In fact it was right after I ran into you.,JERRY,"Oh, heh. You know, a friend of mine has a watch just like that. I'd love to replace it for him as a gift."
LEO,"Well, I haven't seen too many like (indicating watch) these.",JERRY,"Yeah, I know. Maybe uh, you wanna sell me that one."
LEO,"(sarcastic) Aww, sure. (laughter)",JERRY,(pulling Leo back in) Hang on a second. I got a little proposition for you.
GEORGE,May I just use your bathroom for a moment?,JERRY,"Alright, two hundred, but that's as high as I can go. I really think you're being unreasonable here!"
LEO,"Jerry, I'd give you the watch. It's not the money, I happen to like it.",JERRY,"Look, I happen to know how much that watch cost. It's a sixty dollar watch, you paid forty to get it fixed. That's a hundred dollars. I'm offering you two hundred!"
LEO,(indicating) I've never seen a band like this.,JERRY,"Aww, right. Three hundred, plus fifty for the repair. Three fifty, that's it!"
LEO,You have it on you?,JERRY,"Yeah, I think I do."
DAVOLA,"No, I don't think so.",JERRY,I can't believe I'm doing this. I never do stuff like this.
NAOMI,(joking) Really? I give out my number to just about every customer who comes in here.,JERRY,Oh. (chuckles) Really? You don't seem that desperate.
NAOMI,"(playing it straight) Oh yeah. Actually, I'm a little disappointed. I kind of had my eye on uncle Leo.",JERRY,"Uh huh. Well uh, I'll give you a call, and thanks for the fish. By the way, you know why fish are so thin?"
NAOMI,Why?,JERRY,They eat fish.
RESTON (O.C.),Did you say Elaine?,JERRY,"How come the psychiatrist, every, the hour is only fifty minutes? Wha, what do they do with that ten minutes that they have left? Do they just sit there going, ""Boy, that guy was crazy. I couldn't believe the things he was saying. What a nut! Who's coming in next? Oh, no, another headcase!"""
MORTY,You shoulda told me it didn't work.,JERRY,"I know, I know."
HELEN,You didn't have to throw it out.,JERRY,"I was always late. It was frustrating me. I'm sorry, I really am."
HELEN,"Oh, that must be Leo.",JERRY,I woulda taken you to the airport.
HELEN,He has nothing to do.,JERRY,Neither do I. (to intercom) Yeah?
GEORGE (O.S.),It's George.,JERRY,Come on up. (to parents) It's George.
HELEN,What ever happened with NBC and the deal?,JERRY,"Ah, George turned it down."
HELEN,He turned it down?,JERRY,Yeah.
HELEN,Why did he do that?,JERRY,Because of Ted Danson.
MORTY,Maybe he doesn't like Ted Danson.,JERRY,"(fetching a drink from the fridge) Hey, who knows, maybe we'll wind up getting more money."
GEORGE,What'd I do?,JERRY,What about NBC? Did you hear anything?
MORTY/HELEN/JERRY,(simultaneous) Hey!/That's wonderful!/We got a deal!,JERRY,Heyy! Terrific.
GEORGE,I'm just happy to be working with your talented son...,JERRY,Aww...
GEORGE,...Who's not doing this for the money.,JERRY,...C'mon.
GEORGE,You have no idea how refreshing that is.,JERRY,So what'd we get?
GEORGE,(big smile) Eight thousand dollars.,JERRY,Beautiful!
HELEN,Four thousand apiece?,JERRY,"Lemme see if I understand this. In other words, you held out"
GEORGE,"I was wrong, you were right.",JERRY,"You know, the basic idea of negotiation, as I understand it, is to get your price to go... up."
GEORGE,"You're smart, I'm dumb.",JERRY,"You know, this is how they negotiate in the bizarro world."
HELEN,That's gotta be Leo.,JERRY,(to intercom) Yeah?
LEO (O.C.),Leo.,JERRY,"Alright, we're coming down."
MORTY,"Alright, let's get going.",JERRY,"Dad, before we go, I got a little something for you."
MORTY,"Hey! Look at this, a wallet. Exactly what I needed, y'see.",JERRY,"C'mon, you lost your wallet, I figured I'd get you another one."
HELEN,"He's something, you son, isn't he?",JERRY,"Ah hah, alright, let's go."
MORTY,You're a terrific kid.,JERRY,Okay.
GEORGE,(to Jerry) You're very special.,JERRY,"(pointedly) Yeah, I'm good for about four thousand dollars."
MORTY,"Alright, Leo.",JERRY,"Hey, uncle Leo."
LEO,"Hi, hi...",JERRY,How you doing?
LEO,"Yeah, I hate to give it up.",JERRY,"Yeah. Hey, dad, you sure you don't need any more money?"
MORTY,Jerry!,JERRY,"Alright, I'm just joking. Listen, have a nice trip."
GEORGE,"(shaking hands with Morty) Morty, always a pleasure.",JERRY,Take care now. So long.
GEORGE,"Yeah, like he was really gonna take your money.",JERRY,"Oh, he took it. I put four hundred dollars in the new wallet."
GEORGE,You're kidding.,JERRY,"He lost all that cash. It was the only way I could give it back to him, otherwise he wouldn't accept it."
MORTY,"Leo, let's go.",JERRY,"...main difference between the women's wallet and the man's wallet, is the photo section. True? Women carry with them a photograph of every person they've ever met, every day in their whole lives, since the beginning of time. And every picture is out of date. You know what I mean? It's, ""Here's my cousin, three years old. She's in the marines now."" ""This is my dog. He died during the Johnson administration."" You know. You get stopped by a cop, no licence, no registration, (waves imaginary wallet) ""Here's fifty-six people that know me."" Cop goes. ""Alright, ma'am, just wanted to make sure you had some friends, move it along. Routine pal check."""
NAOMI,"Oh, this is nice. Thanks again for the Chinese food.",JERRY,"Oh, you're welcome. You know I think I ate too much of that garlic."
NAOMI,"Yeah, me too.",JERRY,"No, I ate the whole plate. I didn't know those little things were garlic. I thought they were peanuts."
NAOMI,"(laughs) - Nnnhhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha (obnoxious laugh). Oh, you know what? I think Naked Gun is on. Oh I've seen it. I laughed through that whole thing. You wanna watch?",JERRY,"No, I mean, I don't think so."
NAOMI,I thought you liked to laugh. I thought you were happy go lucky.,JERRY,"No, no, no. I'm not happy, I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything I'm sad stop unlucky."
NAOMI,Ahahahahahahahahaha.,JERRY,That's not funny Naomi.
NAOMI,Ah hahahaha. (points at Jerry),JERRY,"I didn't mean to be funny there. Why don't you check the TV guide. I think uh, Holocaust is on."
GEORGE,"(con't) A-Anyway, I was thinking we would take two cars up to the cabin and that way if one of wanted to stay you know...",JERRY,This thing has never worked right. (holding the machine in his hand)
NAOMI,"You think I, laugh like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer?",JERRY,"Well, first of all Elmer Fudd is one of the most beloved internationally known cartoon characters of all time. ""I'm going to kill that cwazy wabbit ... hahahahahaaa "" Come on. Not only that, a juicer is one of the healthiest ways ... (Naomi exits) it makes the juice ... it extracts the-the pulp and-and-and the vitamins, for-for long life and-and-and vitality."
GEORGE,Well how could you just play your message in front of anybody?,JERRY,Because I didn't think anyone would leave it!
GEORGE,"Well, I didn't think anyone would play it.",JERRY,"Well, now she's not going away for this weekend."
GEORGE,"What do you mean not goin'? Come on, we got plans here. Call her up.",JERRY,"Nah, it's better anyway. I mean really. What was going to happen? I'm a comedian. How can I go out with a girl with a laugh like that? I mean izz-it's like ah, it's like Coco Chanel goin' out with a fish monger. You know, cause she's with all the perfumes and a fish monger's pretty bad smell."
GEORGE,Wh-Well maybe you should ask Elaine.,JERRY,"Yeah but if I ask Elaine, then Kramer will feel slighted."
GEORGE,"Oh no no no no, don't say anything to Kramer. Susan can't stand him. He vomited all over her.",JERRY,"Yeah, .. wait a minute do you smell smoke?"
KRAMER,Hmm.,JERRY,"Ah, Kramer."
KRAMER,"Hello boys, (in an Irish accent) top of the morning to ya. What do you say?",JERRY,Will you put that thing out before you start another fire. You had to give him a box of cigars.
KRAMER,Because I'm going to be playing golf at the Westchester country club. Mmh.,JERRY,Westchester? Isn't that a private club?
KRAMER,"Oh, that's right buddy. It's private. It's very private. But I met the pro at the golf shop up on 49th St. -- I gave him one of these Cubans and he invites me up to play a free round ... then he says anytime I lay one of these babies on him it's going to be the same deal. Ha ha. Idn't that beautiful.",JERRY,"and GEORGE Ye, hu, um Ye,"
GEORGE,"Gee, that's-that's too bad.",JERRY,"Yeah, too bad."
GEORGE,"No, no that's ah, that's pie country.",JERRY,Yeah
KRAMER,Uh huh.,JERRY,"They sell them by the side of the road. Blueberry, Blackberry ...."
GEORGE,"Blackberry, Boysenberry ...",JERRY,"Boysenberry, Huckleberry ..."
GEORGE,"Huckleberry, Raspberry...",JERRY,"Raspberry, Strawberry ..."
GEORGE,"Strawberry, Cranberry ...",JERRY,Peach.
ELAINE,I don't know.,JERRY,Come on. I don't want to tag along with George and Susan. If you're there it'll be a better group.
ELAINE,What's that?,JERRY,"Ah, it's an autographed picture for my dry cleaner. I never know what to write on these things. I hate doin' this."
ELAINE,"""I'm very imPRESSED""? ... Ah you mean pressed caus' its like a dry cleaner?",JERRY,"Yeah, see that's why I hate it. So, come on, you going to go?"
ELAINE,Well what about the sleeping arrangements? In the Cabin!,JERRY,"Well, um same bed ..."
ELAINE,uh huh (very quietly),JERRY,".. and uh, underwear and a tee shirt."
ELAINE,What about me?,JERRY,Well you'd be naked of course.
MEL,"Excuse me, Jerry Seinfeld?",JERRY,Yeah.
MEL,"My name's Sanger, Mel Sanger.",JERRY,Hi.
MEL,I drive that truck out there.,JERRY,"Oh, the Yoo Hoo?"
MEL,Yeah.,JERRY,I love Yoo Hoo.
MEL,"Yes, it's a fine product. Anyway I saw you on the Tonight Show a couple weeks ago. I was watching the show with my son Donald. He's got this rare immune deficiency in his blood ... the damnedest thing. Doctors say he has to live in a plastic bubble. Can you imagine that? A bubble.",JERRY,A bubble?
MEL,"Excuse me, anyway we were watching ya on TV.",JERRY,You get in the bubble with him?
MEL,No. He can see through the bubble. It's plastic.,JERRY,"Oh, I thought it was like an igloo."
MEL,"No, it's clear.",JERRY,Ah ha.
MEL,"Yeah, he's in the bubble with the remote.",JERRY,So you have no control over the remote?
MEL,"No, it's frustrating.",JERRY,Mmm
MEL,"So anyway, you're his favorite comedian. He laughed so hard the other night we had to give him an extra shot of hemoglobin.",JERRY,Awe... That's nice!
MEL,"Tomorrow is his birthday and it would mean so much to him if you could find it in your heart ta' pay him a visit and, just say hello.",JERRY,"Hu, well, tomorrow, I, ..."
ELAINE,Jerry! Of course he'd pay him a visit. You'd be happy to.,JERRY,"Yeah, uh, Ok, uh, tomorrow uh, where da ya - where do you live, uh, up town? Upper west side?"
MEL,"No, up state.",JERRY,Up state! Hummm.
GEORGE,A bubble boy?,JERRY,Yes. A bubble boy.
SUSAN,What's a bubble boy?,JERRY,He lives in a bubble.
SUSAN,"Say, so what kind of a bubble? Like an igloo?",JERRY,"No, that's what I thought but apparently it's just a big piece of plastic dividing the room."
GEORGE,What kind of plastic do you think it is? What do you think like that dry cleaning plastic?,JERRY,"That's no good. He wouldn't last ten minutes in there. Anyway what can I do, I promised I'd go visit him tomorrow. It's his birthday. I can't go to the cabin."
SUSAN,"Well, where does he live?",JERRY,"I don't know, up state, Falls, somethin'"
GEORGE,"Well all right, beautiful, so you stop in. Ya, ya visit the bubble boy for twenty minutes and then we can go.",JERRY,You think we can do it?
SUSAN,Oh I know exactly where this is. You can just follow us.,JERRY,"Oh, great. Ok we'll goin' away. I think I'm excited."
SUSAN,"I'm excited. Oh, you're going to love this cabin. My grandfather built it in 1947. It's it's incredible.",JERRY,Ohh.
GEORGE,"All right there you go. It's a '47 cabin all right. So, we'll see you tomorrow.",JERRY,OK.
ELAINE,"Hey, what's with George and Susan? Does he actually like her?",JERRY,"Ah, I don't know if he likes her as much as he likes it.?"
ELAINE,"Oh, that's nice!",JERRY,What's he doing? What is his hurry?
ELAINE,Well you know George. It's not good enough to get there. You gotta make good time.,JERRY,I know he once went from West 81st Street to Kennedy Airport in 25 minutes.
ELAINE,Hmhmhm (laughing quietly),JERRY,Look at him.
GEORGE,"Knock it off, just sit in your seat over there you're distracting me. We're making incredible time here. I once went into Kennedy Airport from West 81st Street to in uh, in 15 minutes. hu uh. Oh, here hold this. It's uh, ten dollars for the tolls.",JERRY,What's he doing? Is he out of his mind? Do you see him? I don't even think I see him anymore. Where is he?
ELAINE,Isn't that blue car him?,JERRY,"No, no that's not him. What happened to him? I can't believe it. I lost him. That stupid idiot. Now what are we going to do?"
ELAINE,It's no big deal Jerry. We'll just meet him at the bubble boy's house.,JERRY,I don't even know where the bubble boy lives. I - I don't even remember the name of the town.
ELAINE,"Wa',you don't have the directions?",JERRY,"No, I was following him."
ELAINE,How could you not take the directions?,JERRY,"Because, HE'S my directions."
SUSAN,I didn't see them George.,JERRY,We make all these plans - this idiot goes a hundred miles an hour - the whole weekend's over - incredible - just like that -
ELAINE,"Poor little bubble boy. He's sitting there waiting for you in his bubble, or igloo thing, whatever.",JERRY,I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM.
SUSAN,Does he have the address?,JERRY,(answering machine) Leave a message. I'll call you back. Thanks.
GEORGE,"Susan, Susan would you wai,....",JERRY,"(ranting) I can't believe how a little thing like George going too fast - and my whole weekend is gone - the plans, the packing, ... everything."
ELAINE,Your whole weekend? What about the bubble boy?,JERRY,Why do you keep bringing up the bubble boy. You don't have to mention the bubble boy? I know about the bubble boy. I'm aware of the bubble boy. Why do you keep reminding me about the bubble boy?
ELAINE,"Um, I'll just have a glass of water.",JERRY,(whispers) You can't just have water.
ELAINE,Why not? That's all I want.,JERRY,Well this is not like a park bench where you just come in and sit down. It's a business.
WAITRESS,Hold it a second. Don't ?chu play on TV?,JERRY,"Oh, no."
ELAINE,Jerry Seinfeld.,JERRY,Elaaaiinne...
WAITRESS,"Oh, ha ha",JERRY,"Uh, I don't have anymore pictures Elaine."
ELAINE,He's lying. They're in the trunk (takes car keys) Now you get to sign another one.,JERRY,I'm not lying.
ELAINE,"Yeah, yeah he is. (as she leaves)",JERRY,She'll have a cup of coffee and a broiled chicken.
ELAINE,(laughing) hehehe -- One picture left in the trunk.,JERRY,"Uh, THANKS! This is FUN! Yeah, this turned out to be a GREAT weekend."
ELAINE,Where's my water?,JERRY,"Oh, it's comin'. - Here ya' go."
ELAINE,"Hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu hu ""Ther - There is nothing finer than being in your diner.""?",JERRY,No good?
ELAINE,THIS is what you came up with?,JERRY,Well.
ELAINE,"That is so lame. Jerry, people are going to be reading that for the next twenty years and laughing at you.",JERRY,"Yeah, yeah, you're right. Excuse me, excuse me. Would you mind. I'd like to take the picture back."
WAITRESS,Why,JERRY,"I, I'm not happy with what I wrote."
WAITRESS,It's good. I like it.,JERRY,"No, believe me it's not good. I'll mail you a new one with something really funny written on it."
WAITRESS,"Well, when you mail me a new one I'll send you back this one.",JERRY,"No, look, you don't understand. I, I want the picture."
DONALD,WELL I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS.,JERRY,"Look, I was nice enough to give you the picture. I don't like what I wrote. I don't want it up there. Now please just give it back to me."
WAITRESS,You are really startin' to get under my skin.,JERRY,I want that picture.
WAITRESS,"Well, you can't have it! In fact maybe you better just pay your check and get out.",JERRY,I'm not paying for anything until I get that back.
WAITRESS,"Well, you ain't getting' it back.",JERRY,"Well, maybe I'll just take it back."
Mrs. SANGER,"Donald, No. ... Donald, stop it ..",JERRY,What are you doing? You're choking me. Elaine!
WAITRESS,Are you going to pay for that?,JERRY,"No, I want the picture back."
WAITRESS,What? (releases Jerry),JERRY,The Bubble Boy? He lives around here?
GEORGE,JERRY! What happened to you?,JERRY,What happened to you? You were going like a hundred miles an hour.
DONALD,HEY SEINFELD!,JERRY,"Hey, Happy Birthday."
GEORGE,"Go, go, get out, ...",JERRY,Fire engines?
ELAINE,Do you smell something?,JERRY,"Yeah,"
ELAINE,"Arghhh, look it's a fire! (cough)",JERRY,Holy cow! look at that!
NAOMI,"Oh, my god, the cabin?",JERRY,What are you two doin' here?
NAOMI,Look at that.,JERRY,You didn't ... (makes motion like he's lighting a cigar)
[Setting,Jerry's apartment],JERRY,She hasn't told her father yet?
GEORGE,No. We're supposed to tell him tonight.,JERRY,"""We're""? What do you mean, ""We're""?"
GEORGE,Susan wants me to be there.,JERRY,You're meetin' the father for the first time?
GEORGE,(Reluctantly) Yeah.,JERRY,"(Chuckles slightly) Well, you'll make quite an impression on him when you tell him how you burned his cabin down."
GEORGE,I didn't burn it down - Kramer did!,JERRY,"(Laughs) I mean, the whole thing is ironic. Think of it Here the guy is nice enough to give you a box of very fine Cuban cigars.."
GEORGE,"Yeah, I know what happened.",JERRY,"No, but wait, wait And then you dump them off onto Kramer.."
GEORGE,(Getting frustrated) I know.,JERRY,"(Continuing) ..Who, who proceeds to burn the man's cabin down with one of those very same cigars! (Topping off his observation) It's very comical.."
GEORGE,"Listen, maybe we shouldn't start writing today. I got a lot on my mind.",JERRY,"(Persisting) No, no, we put this off long enough. Today's the day."
GEORGE,"(Letting his conscious get the best of him) I wonder how Susan's father's going to react to this. Alright, what- what's the worst he could do? So you burn a cabin down..",JERRY,"(Agreeing) C'mon. It's not even a house - it's, like, a cabin."
GEORGE,We could build a cabin like (Snaps) that.,JERRY,"(Blunt) Well, maybe not us, but two men could."
GEORGE,"(Looking over the writing materials they just bought) Bics? What, d'ja get, bics?",JERRY,"What, you got a problem with the pen now?"
GEORGE,"Well, I like a rolling writer. They're very smooth.",JERRY,"Alright, let's just get to work. (They both move into the living room - ready to start writing their script. Jerry sits down) NBC Pilot, Seinfeld project. Act I, Scene A."
GEORGE,"(Still standing) So, you're gonna sit there?",JERRY,"(Wanting to get started) Just - just park yourself. (George reluctantly sits on the sofa) Alright. Act I, Scene A."
GEORGE,(Offering) Drink?,JERRY,"No, no thank you."
GEORGE,"(Uncapping his pen) Alright, here we go.",JERRY,"Act I, Scene A.."
GEORGE,Weren't you supposed to call Elaine?,JERRY,"(Eagerly reaching for the phone) Yes. (George turns the TV on, and begins watching as Jerry dials the number) Hi, is Elaine there? Oh, uh, Hi, Sandra. Uh, yeah. I can hold. (To George) Every time I call I gotta chit-chat with her assistant for, like, twenty minutes. (Back into the phone) Oh, hi, Sandra. Listen, I'm at a pay phone, and there's lots of people here waiting to use it. (Yelling out for believability) I'll be off in a minute! (To Sandra) Yeah, could you just put me through to Elaine? Okay, thanks! (He turns to George) Are you thinking of ideas? (George, picking his teeth with his finger, is absorbed into the television. He seems to not even notice Jerry) Listen, Elaine, is there any way I could get through to you directly? Every time I call Sandra bends my ear for, like, twenty minutes. (Pause) So we're on for later?"
ELAINE,"Yeah, I'll come by after work. Hey, I got a rubber pencil thing happenin' here.. (Sandra passes her doorway) Uh, I gotta go. I gotta go. (Hangs up) Sandra! Sandra? Hi, can you come here for a second?",JERRY,"Okay, let's go. (George shuts the television off, ready to work)"
GEORGE,"Alright, here we go. You got it?",JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,Here we go.,JERRY,"Okay, how about this I'm in my apartment, you come in."
GEORGE,"Alright, let's go.",JERRY,Here we go.
GEORGE,"yeah, Kramer, we're, uh, kind of in the middle of something here. We're trying to do a little work..",JERRY,"Yeah, come on. (Kramer gives out a frustrated sigh) What's with you?"
KRAMER,(Complaining) No more golf.,JERRY,Why?
KRAMER,"Well, you remember I told you about the pro, you know, at the Westchester Country Club, who's letting me play a round every time I give him a couple of those Cuban cigars?",JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,(Getting up) You know what? Maybe I should take off.,JERRY,What?!
GEORGE,"Well, you know, I gotta go to, uh, Susan's parent's house for dinner.. and, you know, I want to shower first.. and I want to leave myself plenty of time.",JERRY,(Looking at his watch) You got four hours! What about the script?
[Setting,Jerry's apartment],JERRY,"Right after we get off the phone, then you go and tell her that?! Well, of course she knows it was me who complained! Now I'm responsible for this woman's quitting. Oh, this is unbelievable!"
ELAINE,(Full of guilt) I know! I screwed up. It's all my fault. Would you call her?,JERRY,"(Caving in) Ohh.. dial the number. (Elaine picks up the phone, and starts to dial) How could you do this?"
ELAINE,(Handing the phone over to him) I was just trying to help you.,JERRY,"(Muttering) Oh, just trying to (Rudely grabs the phone from her) help me.. (Into the phone) Hello? Sandra? Hi, uh, this is Jerry Seinfeld. (Elaine now has her hand in a bowl of popcorn - grabbing a fistful) Listen, I - I just want to tell you, (Jerry sternly grabs Elaine's hand - forcing her to drop the popcorn, then shoves her hand away. Elaine sits back like a scolded child) There's been a terrible misunderstanding See, I told Elaine that, uh, it was a real treat talking to you on the phone, and she thought I was being sarcastic, you know, 'cause I'm a comedian and all. She thought I meant (Deeply sarcastic) ""Yeah, it was a real treat talking to her on the phone."" (Back to normal) You know, but I was really being sincere.. No, of course I like you.. Tonight? ..Um, uh, hold on a second. (To Elaine, whispering) Now she wants to have a drink with me. (Elaine mouths out ""Just go"" while making gestures. Jerry, again, gives in. Back on the phone) Yeah, I think I can.. Um.. yeah, I know where that is.. Ok.. uh, I'll see you there. Okay, bye. (Hangs up, peeved) Now I gotta have a drink with her."
SANDRA,(Offended) I can't believe you said that!,JERRY,What?!
SANDRA,(Buttoning her jacket) How could you say something like that to me?!,JERRY,What? What?! You were the one who was talking dirty. I was just trying to keep up!
SANDRA,That was a weird thing to say.,JERRY,Why? It didn't mean anything. I was just trying to join in so you wouldn't feel embarrassed.
SANDRA,"Ohh, I think you're really sick.",JERRY,(Getting slightly offended) I'm not sick. (Pointing at her) You - you said much sicker things than me.
SANDRA,I'm leaving. (Moves toward the door. Jerry blocks her path),JERRY,I really think you're making too much of this.
SANDRA,(Attempting to get past him) Excuse me. (They both move to the door),JERRY,Let me walk you to a cab.
SANDRA,(Opens the door) That's ok.,JERRY,"I mean, the main thing is that this is just between us, and that'll be the end of it."
SANDRA,"Oh, really? (Quickly walks out)",JERRY,"(Calling after her) I mean, people - they're not interested in things like this. They don't want to hear about it. They really don't."
[Setting,The Coffee shop],JERRY,"So, we're.. uhh, drinkin' and talkin', and uhh, so, she starts rubbing my leg."
GEORGE,Wo-hoah! What did you do?,JERRY,(Sarcastic) Have you ever told a woman to stop touching your leg?
GEORGE,"Yeah, right.",JERRY,"I mean, I know it's the wrong thing to do. She works in Elaine's office. I know it's wrong - but I can't get that hand off my leg. I mean, I'm looking at the hand, and I'm thinking, ""That hand should not be on my leg."" But I can't make my brain to get my mouth to say the words, ""Would you mind?!"""
GEORGE,"Yeah, woman have no problem getting the hand off. How do they do that?",JERRY,"I don't know, they're working on a whole other level.."
GEORGE,"Alright, so, go ahead.",JERRY,So we go back to my apartment..
GEORGE,(Expressing shock) Woah. Whoa! Woah!,JERRY,"So, we're, uh, foolin' around there.. you know, it's getting a little passionate.. (Scoots closer to George, to prevent others from hearing) and, uh, she starts with the dirty talking."
GEORGE,"(Putting his hands up) Alright, alright, hold on! (Jerry has George's full attention) Time out! Woah, woah! (Scooting in, giddy) What did she say?",JERRY,"(Modest) Oh, you know, the usual.."
GEORGE,"No, I don't know. How do I know the usual?",JERRY,Typical things.
GEORGE,(Picking up the ketchup) What typical? Gimme typical. Gimme some typical.,JERRY,"She says, uh.. (Mumbles something inaudible. George, so shocked by what he's just heard, accidentally squeezes the ketchup bottle - ketchup squirts out and files off-screen. George reacts deeply)"
GEORGE,(Breathing deeply) That's very dirty. (Jerry nods) That's absolutely filthy.,JERRY,..And then she starts talking about her panties.
GEORGE,(Yelling out to a waitress) Gonna need some water here!,JERRY,So I said something.
GEORGE,"Ok, what did you say?",JERRY,"(Defensively) Now, bear in mind, I am just trying to keep up."
GEORGE,Of course.,JERRY,"Okay? So, she's taking about her panties, so, uh.. So, I said, ""You mean the panties your mother laid out for you?"""
GEORGE,"(Takes a few seconds to mull this one over. Shooting Jerry a confused look, he repeats it) ""The panties your mother laid out for you""? (Jerry nods) What does that mean?",JERRY,(Throwing up his hands) I don't know! It just popped out.
GEORGE,"Well, how did she react?",JERRY,She flipped out! Just left.
GEORGE,"Well, that's not offensive. (Reflects) It's abnormal, but it's not offensive.",JERRY,"Look, the main thing is I don't want Elaine to know about any of this. I mean, especially the panty remark. I mean, it's embarrassing. And she's never let me hear the end of it."
GEORGE,"Yeah, yeah. He went into the bedroom and started sobbing.",JERRY,I guess he failed to see the humor in it.
GEORGE,"Huh. (Makes a ""over his head"" gesture with his arm) C'mon, let's go, go. We got a lot of work to do today.",JERRY,"(Getting up) Alright, big work day."
GEORGE,Okay.,JERRY,Let's go.
GEORGE,Here we are.,JERRY,Right now.
GEORGE,Let's do it.,JERRY,You and me.
GEORGE,Okay.,JERRY,Alright.
GEORGE,What'dya got?,JERRY,"(Reading from his notebook) I got You enter, you go ""Hi"", and I go, ""Hello."" Now.. we need something here.."
GEORGE,Don't be silly.,JERRY,"Come in, we're taking a break."
KRAMER,"(Moving back into the room) Oh, yeah?",JERRY,Yeah!
[Setting,Jerry's apartment],JERRY,"(Stirring, he gets up to answer the buzzer) Alright, let's get going. C'mon, c'mon now. (Approaches the intercom) C'mon, let's get it together.. (Through intercom) Yeah?"
ELAINE,It's Elaine.,JERRY,C'mon up. (Slightly opens the door for Elaine)
GEORGE,"(Standing up, still waking up) Alright, you know what we should do? We should go to the movies. Get away from this script for a while..",JERRY,"(Agreeing) Yeah, we should."
GEORGE,"Alright, I just have to go over to the Ross' apartment and drop off Susan's sunglasses. You'll come with me?",JERRY,"Yeah. Wha - what, does she live with them?"
GEORGE,"No, no, no, no.",JERRY,Oh.
ELAINE,"Hey, nice going, Jerome Seinfeld!",JERRY,What?
ELAINE,"I just got a message from Sandra, she's coming back to work.",JERRY,"Well, then, you've just got to fire her! Don't even think about it - there's no two ways about it."
ELAINE,Why? What happened? Did you talk?,JERRY,Talk? Did I talk? It - you're darn right I talk to her! We talked up a storm - and I concluded from the basis of these talks that this isn't anybody you should be talking to.
ELAINE,Really?,JERRY,Yes.
ELAINE,Really? You really think I should fire her?,JERRY,"Oh yeah. Yeah, in fact, if George and I weren't so busy here working on the script, I'd do it myself."
SUSAN,"Hey, Jerry.",JERRY,Hi.
SUSAN,I thought you two guys were working today.,JERRY,"Ah, just - takin' a little break."
GEORGE,"Well, we.. we, we, ah..",JERRY,(Looking at his watch ) Yeah..
GEORGE,"We really should be, uh, heading out..",JERRY,Yeah. (Tapping his watch) Look at the time.
GEORGE,"Well, we really should be-",JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,"Uh, heading out. Jerry really hates to miss the coming attractions.",JERRY,"Yeah, and, (Pointing to his watch) because of the.. (Slowly exiting) time."
GEORGE,"yeah, time is what he's indicating there..",JERRY,(Waving good bye) We'll see ya.
GEORGE,"Alright, here we go.",JERRY,"Alright, let's go."
GEORGE,Come on now.,JERRY,Right now.
GEORGE,Here we go.,JERRY,You and me.
GEORGE,You got it.,JERRY,No foolin'
GEORGE,"Ok, so, what'dya got?",JERRY,"(Looking at his notebook) Alright, I got, uh, you come in, you say ""Hi"", and I say ""Hello""."
GEORGE,"Alright, so, we need something..",JERRY,"Yeah.. how about this I say ""How's it goin'?"""
GEORGE,"""How's it going?"" - beautiful.",JERRY,"(Getting up to answer the door) Alright, did you get that line?"
GEORGE,"(Nodding, writing) ""How's it going?""",JERRY,Did you write it down?
GEORGE,"I'm writin' it. ""How's it going?""",JERRY,Okay.. (Opens the door to a frantic Elaine)
ELAINE,Real good!,JERRY,What?!
ELAINE,Do you know how much money you cost me today?! 429 dollars!,JERRY,What?! How?
ELAINE,"I got Sandra transferred to another office upstairs, okay?! So, she blabs to Lippman about my long distance calls to Europe!",JERRY,What calls?!
ELAINE,"Uh! I made a friend when I was in Europe, okay?! And we've been in touch, and Sandra told Lippman!",JERRY,"Oh, did - did she say anything else to you?"
ELAINE,"(Confused) ""Anything else""? What do you mean ""anything else""?",JERRY,So she just left the office - didn't say a word to you about anything?
ELAINE,Yeah!,JERRY,(Smiling to himself) Beautiful.
ELAINE,Why is that beautiful?,JERRY,"Oh, no, not beautiful."
ELAINE,It's four hundred and twenty nine dollars!,JERRY,"Hey, look, I'm going to pay for that."
ELAINE,"No, no.",JERRY,"(Taking out his checkbook) No, I insist. I was the one who encouraged you to fire her - the whole thing was all my-"
ELAINE,(Giving up too easy) Okay.,JERRY,"(Pauses, noting Elaine's quick accept) fault. (Starts to write a check out, then stops, looking at the door) Do you smell smoke?"
KRAMER,"Oh, hey! Hey, Jer, I want you to meet my new friends, here. (Introducing each one) This is, uh, Louis, Jorge, and Umberto.",JERRY,"Oh, how you doing? Nice to meet you."
KRAMER,"Yeah, we're heading up to Westchester - gonna hit the links.",JERRY,"Oh. (Notices Louis' jacket) Isn't that, uh, your.."
ELAINE,"(To Jerry) John Cheever, you ever read any of his stuff?",JERRY,"Uh, yeah, I'm familiar with some of his writing. (George shoots Jerry a smirk, then returns to his book) Alright, (Hand the check to Elaine) look, we gotta get back to work. We just had a big breakthrough here."
ELAINE,"(Folding up the check) Ok, I'll leave you two alone.",JERRY,(Moving back into the living room) Okay.
ELAINE,"(In the door way) Maybe I'll go visit my mother. She just bought me some new panties (Jerry pauses right before sitting in his chair) and they're - all laid out for me. (Leaves, smiling to herself. Jerry and George both look at each other, frozen in their places)",JERRY,"(answering machine) leave a message and I?ll call you back, thanks. JOE DIVOLA Jerry, Joe Divola. *Pbt* *Pbt* *Pbt* I have a hair on my tongue, I can't get it off, you know how much I hate that? Course you do, you put it there. I know what you said about me Seinfeld. I know you badmouthed me to the execs at NBC, put the kibosh on my deal. Now I?m gonna put the kibosh on you. You know I?ve kiboshed before, and I will kibosh again."
KRAMER,"So, what do you think?",JERRY,About what?
KRAMER,About the opera.,JERRY,"Nah, I don't wanna go."
KRAMER,You gotta go.,JERRY,"I-I-I don't like the opera. What are they singing for? Who sings? You got something to say, say it!"
KRAMER,"Jerry, you don't understand, that?s the way they talk in Italy, they sing to one another. Kramer starts to sing in bad Italian.",JERRY,"All right, all right."
KRAMER,"That?s the way it was, you know. You listen to the language, its got that sing songy quality. It?s the language Jerry, the language",JERRY,So why don't they talk like that now?
KRAMER,Better get that,JERRY,Yeah?
ELAINE,(intercom) it?s me!,JERRY,Come on up.
KRAMER,"So, huh?",JERRY,I don't know
KRAMER,"Oh come on Jerry, its opening night, black tie, Pagliacci! The great clown, the great sad tragic clown, like you.",JERRY,"Well it?s very flattering. How did you get these tickets, I heard they're impossible to get."
KRAMER,"Oh, well I have many associates.",JERRY,"I don't know, opera, it?s not my kind of thing."
KRAMER,"All right, you not gonna go I?m not gonna go, I?m gonna call the whole thing off.",JERRY,"No, wait a minute, wait a minute, that?s not fair, what about George, Susan and Elaine, what do you need me for?"
KRAMER,"You're the nucleus, the straw that stirs the drink. You're the Miana!",JERRY,"Well I guess if I?m the Miana I should go. All right, all right."
ELAINE,Hi!,JERRY,Hi!
KRAMER,Oh yeah!,JERRY,So I finally get to meet your pal Joey.
ELAINE,Its killing you isn?t it?,JERRY,"Yeah, so Joey?s a great lover of the opera"
ELAINE,"Listen, I got news for ya, its nice to be involved with somebody who?s interested in something other than nick at night. Now he?s got a grip on reality, he's happy, he's well adjusted.",JERRY,Well I?m looking forward to meeting him.
ELAINE,I've got to go,JERRY,"Where are you going, what?s the rush?"
ELAINE,"I'm going to surprise Joey, I?ve never been to his apartment so I?m just going to 'pop in'",JERRY,"Oh, good, men love that!"
KRAMER,You've got a message buddy.,JERRY,"Ooo, could be from that blonde"
JOE DIVOLA,"(answering machine message)'Jerry, Joe Divola. I have a hair on my tongue'",JERRY,(shouting) Kramer what am I going to do did you hear that that guy's gonna put a kibosh on me he's crazy he's out of his mind....
KRAMER,"Steady, steady, now calm yourself, come on, now get a hold of yourself,",JERRY,What the hell he's supposed to be on medication I don't understand he told me he's getting medication what happened to his medication!?
KRAMER,OK Quiet! Quiet! Now let me think!,JERRY,"I'm gonna call the cops. That?s what I?m doing, I?m calling the cops."
KRAMER,The cops? What are you calling the cops for? They?re not going to do anything!,JERRY,"What do you mean they're not going to do anything, they're the cops, they gotta do something, he just put the kibosh on me, do you know what the kibosh means, its a kibosh!"
KRAMER,Yiddigtkk ka kibosh.,JERRY,"I mean it's a terrible mistake, I mean he thinks I ruined some deal of his at NBC, I don't know anything about any deal at NBC."
KRAMER,Call him and tell him,JERRY,"That?s what I?ll do, I?ll just call him and tell him, I?ll tell him. That?s all I?ll do. He's a human being, I?ll talk to him. He'll understand. Right?"
KRAMER,Right.... Don't mention my name,JERRY,"Oh, I got the machine."
KRAMER,What?s his message like?,JERRY,Nice!
KRAMER,Eh!,JERRY,"(into phone) Hello Joe, listen this is Jerry Seinfeld, I really think there?s been a huge colossal misunderstanding,"
KRAMER,Big! Big!,JERRY,"and I feel if we can just talk about this we can straighten the whole thing out, so listen, so call me back. Bye."
JOE DIVOLA,You're not leaving,JERRY,"(on phone) But officer, he threatened me! I don't understand, that?s not right! What if it was the President of the United States I bet you'd investigate. So what?s the difference, I?m a comedian of the United States, and I?ll tell you I?m under just as much pressure. Alright, thanks anyway, ok bye."
GEORGE,"What, are you locking the door now?",JERRY,"Well, well, look at you. It?s a little skimpy there isn't it?"
GEORGE,"Do you know the last time I wore this thing? Six years ago, when I made that toast at Bobby Leighton's wedding.",JERRY,"Ooo, that was a bad toast."
GEORGE,It wasn't that bad.,JERRY,I never heard anybody curse in a toast.
GEORGE,I was trying to loosen 'em up a little bit.,JERRY,"There were old people there, all the relatives. You were like a Red Fox record. I mean, at the end of the toast nobody even drank. They were just standing there, they were just frozen! That might have been one of the worst all time toasts."
GEORGE,"Alright, still her father didn't have to throw me out like that, he could have just asked me to leave. The guy had me in a headlock! Susan's not going tonight you know.",JERRY,What do you mean not going? why not?
GEORGE,"I don't know, she said she had to pick up a friend of hers at the airport. It cost me a hundred dollars this ticket.",JERRY,Why doesn't she pay for hers?
GEORGE,"That's a very good question. You know she and I go out for dinner, she doesn't even reach for the check. That?s all I?m asking for is a reach. Is that so much to ask for?",JERRY,It's nice to get a reach.
KRAMER,"What, are you locking the door now?",JERRY,Because of Divola! Get in here... How come you're not dressed?
KRAMER,I am dressed.,JERRY,You're going like this?
KRAMER,Yeah. Hey I want you to hear something.,JERRY,I thought you said people dress up when they go to the opera!
KRAMER,"People do, I don't.",JERRY,"Well what about me! If you're going like that, I?m not going like this."
GEORGE,"Wait a minute, wait a minute, do you think I?m comfortable here. I can't change, I?ve got no clothes here! You've got to go like that, I can?t go like this alone!",JERRY,Why should I be uncomfortable just because my apartment is closer to town hall than yours?
GEORGE,"That?s not the issue, we're friends, if I?ve got to be uncomfortable, you've got to be uncomfortable too!",JERRY,"All right, all right, I?ll wear this. It's bad enough I?ve got to go to the opera I?ve got to sit next to ozzie nelson over here."
KRAMER,It's Pagliacci!,JERRY,"Oh beautiful. Listen, we've got a little problem here, we've got two extra tickets."
KRAMER,Why? What happened?,JERRY,Well Susan isn't going and Elaine just left me a message her friend isn't going either.
GEORGE,Oh man! I knew I was gonna love the opera.,JERRY,Oh yeah right.
GEORGE,"All right, all right.",JERRY,"All right, you guys listen, I've got to wait here for Elaine, I'll meet you in front of the theatre."
KRAMER,Oh yeah!,JERRY,You sprayed him in the eyes with Binaca?
ELAINE,"Cherry Binaca, it?s new.",JERRY,"See, I don't get that. First they come out with the regular, then a year later they come out with the cherry. They know that we like the cherry, start with cherry! Then come out with the regular!"
ELAINE,It's like I didn't even know him. He's like a totally different person.,JERRY,"Well you should hear the message from my nut. Where's George and Kramer, I want to get inside already, I don't like standing out here, I feel very vulnerable."
MAN#1,"No it's not, it's mine.",JERRY,"I was just flipping it, it's mine."
MAN#1,"No, I dropped it, it's mine.",JERRY,"All right, do you want the quarter, take the quarter, but don't try and tell me it's yours."
MAN#1,Well it is mine.,JERRY,"What, do you think I care about the money? Is that what you think? You want me to show you what I care about money? Here look, here look at this, here's a dollar here look, there, that?s how much I care about money."
MAN#1,"You think I care about money, that?s how much I care about money, I don't care about money.",JERRY,"Oh yeah, well why don?t you Just get lost."
MAN#1,Why don't you get lost.,JERRY,"Because I was standing here, that?s why."
MAN#1,Oh Yeah?,JERRY,Yeah!
GEORGE,(shouting) Get your Paliachi!,JERRY,Where are they already?
ELAINE,I guarantee they don't sell either one of those tickets.,JERRY,"Hey, look, there's Bobby Eighteen?s father-in-law, Mr Reichman. George and I were just talking about that today, I can?t believe it! That?s the guy who threw George out of the wedding."
ELAINE,"Oh, yeah, when George made that bad toast!",JERRY,Do you remember the curse toast?
ELAINE,"Oh yeah, the curse toast.",JERRY,"So, can you believe that message? Now I?ve got to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder."
ELAINE,Me too,JERRY,Crazy Joe Divola
ELAINE,How do you know his name?,JERRY,What do you mean? Why wouldn't I know his name?
ELAINE,I never told you his name.,JERRY,I never told you his name.
ELAINE,"Wait a second, who are we talking about here?",JERRY,Joe Divola.
ELAINE,"Right, Joe Divola",JERRY,How do you know his name?
ELAINE,"I've been out with him three times, I should know the mans name.",JERRY,"Oh my god, its Joe Divola"
ELAINE,Is he stalking you? are you kidding me?,JERRY,That madman is trying to kill me.
ELAINE,"Oh, Jerry, why didn't you tell me his name! Oh my god, he accused me of seeing someone else, he said tell me his name, he said tell me his name!!",JERRY,"Oh! He said that! Can you imagine what he'll do if he sees me with you! He'll think I?m the one who ruined his deal at NBC and took away his girl, he'll put a kibosh on me!"
JOE DIVOLA,"Anything is welcome, I accept change.",JERRY,"I don't have anything, I gave it to that guy."
JOE DIVOLA,"You know, you could just say no, you don't have to humiliate me. I may be dressed as a clown but I am a person.",JERRY,"I'm telling you, the guy took....."
JOE DIVOLA,You people make me sick.,JERRY,That is one angry clown!
ELAINE,"You know, it is so sad, all your knowledge of high culture comes from bugs bunny cartoons.",JERRY,"Oh there's that clown again, what does he want from me. Look I?m serious, I?m not kidding, I don't have the quarter, that guy took it."
JOE DIVOLA,It's Binaca.,JERRY,Binaca?
GEORGE,"That?s-that?s-Harry Fong, he's a very good friend of mine and he's a big opera buff. Enjoy the show there harry!... You know what.",JERRY,"Come on, you gotta let us in"
USHER,Not without tickets.,JERRY,"We have tickets, we just don't have 'em with us."
USHER,Well that?s a problem. Excuse me.,JERRY,"You don't understand, someone's after us, a crazy clown is trying to kill us."
KRAMER,Have you seen George?,JERRY,We thought he was with you.
KRAMER,Yeah,JERRY,"Boy, some cast, huh? Pavarotti, Aver Martone."
ELAINE,"Aver Martone. I've heard of her, who's she playing?",JERRY,"She's playing, Pagliacci?s wife, Nedda."
ELAINE,Nedda?,JERRY,Yeah.
MAN#3,"Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.",JERRY,Susan! What are you doing here?
SUSAN,My Friend's flight couldn?t make it.,JERRY,Where's George?
SUSAN,He decided not to come. He said he was uncomfortable.,JERRY,"Uncomfortable? How does you think I feel?.. Hey let me ask you something, how much did you pay for that ticket?"
MAN#3,One seventy-five.,JERRY,"Kramer, who'd you sell your ticket to?"
KRAMER,Some nut in a clown suit!,JERRY,"I had some friends drag me to an opera recently, you know how they've got those little opera glasses, you know, do you really need binoculars, I mean how big do these people have to get before you can spot 'em. These opera kids they're going two-fifty, two-eighty, three-twenty-five, they're wearing big white woolly vests, the women have like the breastplates, the bullet hats with the horn coming out. If you can't pick these people out, forget opera, think about optometry, maybe that?s more you're thing."
GEORGE,We're not dead.,JERRY,We are dead.
GEORGE,Come on. We got all day tomorrow to come up with a story.,JERRY,All day tomorrow? We had a month and a half to come up with something and we didn't do anything.
GEORGE,So we'll do it tomorrow.,JERRY,Let me ask you something. When's the last time you went skiing?
GEORGE,About six years ago.,JERRY,I think you can take the lift ticket off your jacket now.
GEORGE,Women like skiers.,JERRY,So what? You can't meet anybody. You're going on with Susan.
GEORGE,Yeah. Right.,JERRY,"Hey, see those two women over there? I almost dated the one on the right. She's in the closet business."
GEORGE,The closet business? What's the closet business?,JERRY,What is it your business?
GEORGE,I'm interested.,JERRY,She reorganizes your closet and shows you how to maximize your closet space. She looked into my closet.
GEORGE,So you thought she was good looking and figured this would be a good way to meet her.,JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,Yeah. So what happened?,JERRY,"So, she mentioned she had a boyfriend and then it hit me. What do I need more closet space for? (Across the room) Hi, Marla."
MARLA,(Walks over to Jerry and George) Jerry.,JERRY,"George, Marla."
MARLA,"George. Jerry, Stacey.",JERRY,Stacey.
STACEY,Jerry.,JERRY,"George, Stacey."
STACEY,George.,JERRY,George.
MARLA,"So, how was your trip to Berlin?",JERRY,Trip to Berlin?
MARLA,Remember? That's why you put off doing the closets. You said you were going to Berlin for a while.,JERRY,"Oh, right, right."
MARLA,"The wall had just come down, and you told me you wanted to be part of the celebration.",JERRY,"Yes, yes, I did. But, you know, I was watching it on CNN, and they covered it so well I thought, ""Why knock my brains out?"""
MARLA,"You, know my boyfriend went.",JERRY,Really?
MARLA,"Yes, I told him all about you going and he got all excited and decided to go.",JERRY,"Oh, did he like it?"
GEORGE,"Well, I'll tell you, Stacey. It's a lot of hard work. But, it comes fairly easy to me. Some people write symphonies. This is my gift. (Raises ski lift ticket while Stacey looks away)",JERRY,"So, are you gonna go out with her?"
GEORGE,I might.,JERRY,What about Susan?
GEORGE,What? I'm not married. I'm not allowed to go out with somebody else?,JERRY,Depends.
GEORGE,Depends on what?,JERRY,On many factors.
GEORGE,Like what?,JERRY,"Well, how long you've been seeing her. What's your phone call frequency? Are you on a daily?"
GEORGE,No. Semi-daily. Four or five times a week.,JERRY,"What about Saturday nights? Do you have to ask her out, or is a date implied?"
GEORGE,Implied.,JERRY,She got anything in your medicine cabinet?
GEORGE,There might be some moisturizer.,JERRY,Ah hah. Let me ask you this. Is there any tampax in your house?
GEORGE,(Pause) Yeah.,JERRY,"Well, I'll tell you what you've got here."
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,You got yourself a girlfriend.
GEORGE,"Ah, no, no. Are you sure? A girlfriend?",JERRY,"I'm looking at a guy in a semi-daily with tampax in his house and an implied date on Saturday night. I would like to help you out, but..."
GEORGE,"Would you believe my luck? The first time in my life I have a good answer to the question, ""What do you do?"" and I have a girlfriend. I mean, you don't need a girlfriend when you can answer that question. That's what you say in order to get girlfriends. Once you can get a girlfriend, you don't want a girlfriend, you just want more girlfriends.",JERRY,You're going to make a good father someday.
GEORGE,"Well it's not fair, Jerry. It's just not fair. All right, all right. That's it. I'm getting out of this thing.",JERRY,Fine. Break up with her. But you know what this means?
GEORGE,"No, what?",JERRY,"The script, the pilot, the TV show. That's all over."
GEORGE,Why? What do you mean?,JERRY,"Figure it out. She's one of the executives at NBC that's gonna make the decision whether or not they pick up the show. She's one of our biggest fans. You drop her off, you think they're gonna pick us up?"
GEORGE,"Oh, right. Oh no, man.",JERRY,"you know, it's a very interesting situation. Here you have a job that can get you girls. But, you also have a relationship. But if you try and get rid of the relationship so you can get the girls, you lose the job. You see the irony?"
GEORGE,"Yeah, yeah. I see the irony. All right. What about this? What if I can find some way to break up with her so that she'll still like me and it doesn't affect the deal.",JERRY,"(sarcastically) Oh, yeah."
GEORGE,"Wait, wait. Here me out. Don't dismiss this. You're very quick to dismiss. Don't dismiss. She's got a big crush on David Letterman, I mean, a big crush. She talks about him all the time. Suppose I go up to David Letterman. He works at NBC; I work at NBC. I explain my situation. He agrees to meet her. They go out, they fall madly in love. And she dumps me for David Letterman.",JERRY,This is your plan?
GEORGE,"No, no. I'm just thinking.",JERRY,I don't think you are.
MARLA,Let me tell you what I think.,JERRY,"Please, and be brutal. I have no closet sensitivity."
MARLA,Are you very fussy about your pants?,JERRY,I don't think I am.
MARLA,Because I have a very radical idea. Can you handle it?,JERRY,Try me.
MARLA,"Here's what I'm proposing. We eliminate all this. The hangers, the bar, the shelves. And in its place install a series of hooks. We'll put everything on hooks.",JERRY,Everything?
MARLA,"Everything. The shirts, pants, sport jackets, pajamas. We could get eighty hooks on here.",JERRY,"You're quite mad, you know. (Kramer enters) Oh, I don't believe this. (Goes into other room) Hey?"
KRAMER,Hey.,JERRY,What are you doing?
KRAMER,I'm watching The Bold and the Beautiful.,JERRY,No.
KRAMER,What?,JERRY,This is not a good time.
KRAMER,Five minutes. What?,JERRY,What did you have to give your TV away to George for?
KRAMER,"Because I've been watching too much. It was an addiction. I couldn't stop. It was, it was destroying my brain cells.",JERRY,"Yeah, but now you're in here all the time. (Marla enters from other room)"
KRAMER,"Well, wow.",JERRY,"Marla, Kramer."
KRAMER,Hey.,JERRY,Why don't you go out? It's nice out.
KRAMER,"Oh, no. There's nothing out there for me.",JERRY,There's weather.
KRAMER,Weather? I don't need weather. Weather doesn't do it for me.,JERRY,I'm tellin' George to give you your TV back.
KRAMER,"No, no, I don't want it back. (Pause) Are you gonna watch the Knick game tonight?",JERRY,I don't know.
KRAMER,Will you tape it?,JERRY,Kramer... (points to Marla)
KRAMER,Yeah. (He exits),JERRY,So your boyfriend never came back from Berlin.
MARLA,Never came back.,JERRY,"Oh, you must have been devastated being left for a wall."
MARLA,It was about to end anyway. There was this... problem.,JERRY,Ah hah. (Buzzer) Excuse me one second. Yeah?
ELAINE,It's me.,JERRY,"Come on up. Oh, it's Elaine, she's just a friend of mine. I don't know what she's doing here now. (Buzzer) I'm sorry. What?"
ELAINE,I didn't get it.,JERRY,Ugh. So you were saying there was this problem.
MARLA,"Well, he wanted me to move in with him.",JERRY,Snapple?
MARLA,No thanks.,JERRY,Go on.
MARLA,Well I wouldn't move in because...,JERRY,Yes.
MARLA,Well because...,JERRY,Yeah.
ELAINE,Hello!,JERRY,"Hi, um. Marla, Elaine."
ELAINE,"I'm sorry, I didn't know you had company. I just wanted to return your tape.",JERRY,"Oh, thanks a lot, two weeks late. Now that costs me thirty-five dollars to see Havana."
ELAINE,"No, no, I'm leaving.",JERRY,I like that thing in your hair there.
MARLA,I should be going.,JERRY,So we'll talk about the hooks then?
ELAINE,What? Was it something I said?,JERRY,"She's a virgin, she just told me."
ELAINE,Well I didn't know.,JERRY,Well it's not like spotting a toupee.
ELAINE,Well you think I should say something? Should I say something? Should I apologize? Was I being anti-virgin?,JERRY,"No, no, I mean..."
ELAINE,'Cause I'm not anti-virgin. I'll be right back. (She leaves),JERRY,"Elaine, Elaine... (Buzzer) Yeah?"
GEORGE,She's a virgin?,JERRY,A virgin.
GEORGE,Wow. So what're you gonna do?,JERRY,"I don't know. I'm very attracted to her. That accent, it's so sexy."
GEORGE,"I don't think I could do it. You know, they always remember the first time. I don't want to be remembered. I wanna be forgotten.",JERRY,"You need a little pioneer spirit. You know, you don't have any of that Lewis and Clark in you."
GEORGE,"You know, sometimes those guys don't make it back. (Looks in fridge) I'm really hungry.",JERRY,"Yeah, me too."
GEORGE,We gotta get something. I don't want to go to that meeting on an empty stomach. Let's get some Chinese. You wanna order it?,JERRY,"All right, but then we gotta get some work done. Let me just call Kramer, see if want anything. (Calls) Hey, we ordering Chinese food. If you want anything-- (Kramer enters quickly) let me know what it is and I'll order for you."
ELAINE,Eh.,JERRY,"All right, let's go. We don't have much time before the meeting."
GEORGE,Where's the food? What happened to Ping?,JERRY,"Don't worry, he'll be here. Look, we only got about two hours. We just need to come up with one good story so we can get through this meeting. (Buzzer) There's your food."
GEORGE,"Hey, what about this? I'm in a car accident. The motorist is uninsured, you with me?",JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,"My car's totaled. It's all his fault and now, he has absolutely no money. There is no way that he can pay me. So the judge decrees that he becomes my butler.",JERRY,Your butler?
GEORGE,"Right. He cooks my food, he cleans my house, he does all my shopping for me. And there you go, that's your program.",JERRY,What about me?
GEORGE,"Don't worry, we'll find something for you. (Knock of Jerry's door)",JERRY,"(Getting the door) That's the stupidest idea I ever heard. Sentenced to be a butler. (Elaine, Marla, and an injured Ping are at the door) Ping, what happened?"
PING,Head hurts. Head really hurts.,JERRY,What happened?
PING,I only saved one bag.,JERRY,Should I call an ambulance? Do you wanna see a doctor?
KRAMER,"Hey, you got the food?",JERRY,"Yeah, here."
ELAINE,(To Ping) I did not jaywalk.,JERRY,(To George) You're givin' him back that TV.
KRAMER,"(To himself) Hey, look. An hour with Patrick Swayze.",JERRY,"A month and a half we had. We did nothing. I can't believe we put it off until today and then we couldn't do anything because Elaine runs out to apologize to a virgin, crosses against a light, and knocks over a Chinese delivery boy. Now we're gonna make fools of ourselves, we got nothing. You're not even in show business. I gotta reputation. You drag me into the sewer with you. I've been on TV buddy boy. You know how fast word spreads in show business? It's like that (Snaps in George's face) , like that! One bad impression, you're outta the business!"
GEORGE,"All right, let's postpone it. Let's get out of here.",JERRY,What do you mean? They know we're here.
GEORGE,"I'll fake an illness. (Acts it out) My back! My back! I can't believe, my back.",JERRY,"No, no, would you get up?"
GEORGE,"I can do this, Jerry.",JERRY,No.
GEORGE,"All right, I'll tell them my sister died. (Starts fake crying) My poor sister died. She was standing and then she was laughing and then they SHOT her! That's the kind of sick city that we're livin' in. They shoot you for laughing. I must go and comfort my poor family. Jerry, take me home so I can comfort my... my poor family.",JERRY,What?
WOMAN,"Mr. Seinfeld, they're ready for you. (She exits)",JERRY,"Yes, I was very wise to hitch my wagon to his star. (Jerry enters meeting)"
MAN #1,"Hey, Jerry.",JERRY,"Hi, how are you doing? Nice to see you all here. Hello."
RITA,"Hello, Jerry. I'm Rita Kearson.",JERRY,"Oh, uh, nice to meet you. Where's Russell?"
RITA,"He, uh, had to go to LA. There's a problem on the set of Blossom.",JERRY,"Oh, poor Blossom. (He sits)"
MAN #2,Where's George?,JERRY,"Oh, he ran to say something to David Letterman."
SUSAN,David Letterman's on the floor?,JERRY,"Yeah, he just walked by."
RITA,"Well, I think we should get started anyway.",JERRY,"Yeah, good idea."
RITA,So how are you guys comin' along?,JERRY,"Good, good, we've got a lot of ideas."
RITA,Good. (Pause),JERRY,"Have you ever been to a Chinese restaurant and they tell you it'll be, like, five minutes for a table and you wind up waitin' there for, like, thirty minutes? Well, we thought it would be very funny to do an entire show where all you're doin' is waitin' for the table. (They don't seem to like it) Because we've all been in that situation. You know, you're waiting... and you're hungry... and you bump into somebody you know... When is Russell coming back?"
RITA,So that's the idea?,JERRY,"Well no, that's one. We have many others. We have an idea where, uh, I get into an accident with a guy who has no insurance and the judge sentences him to be my butler. (Everyone laughs) You know he cooks for me, he has to cook for me... He cleans my house, he's doin' my shopping, you know? I'm walkin' around with one of those big neck collars."
GEORGE,"Oh, Rita. Hey, Mr. Shermack, how're you doing, good to see you. Jay, always a pleasure. (To Susan) Sweetie. (Kisses her and then sits down next to Jerry) Yeah, yeah, that butler idea, that's beautiful. Isn't that killer? (Aside to Jerry) I thought I was getting the butler.",JERRY,"Don't worry, uh, we'll find something for you."
KRAMER,"You, you guys wanna hold it down? I'm watchin' Jeopardy.",JERRY,Would you give him the TV back?
GEORGE,"(Hangs up phone and pauses) this is great! He fired her! This is incredible, he fired her. I'm out, baby! I'm out!",JERRY,Why did he fire her?
KRAMER,"What is here comes the judge, here comes the judge!",JERRY,You can't break up with her now. Her life is shattered. You got her fired. You gotta be there for her.
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,You gotta at least wait until she gets another job.
GEORGE,Another job?,JERRY,Couple of interviews.
MARLA,"Are you gonna leave after its over? You know, if we have sex.",JERRY,What? Leave? Where? Why?
MARLA,"You know, the apartment.",JERRY,Why would I leave? This is my apartment.
MARLA,Well what if it was my apartment?,JERRY,Who gave you this idea I would wanna leave?
MARLA,Well Elaine said men like to leave after it's over.,JERRY,"Listen, I wouldn't put too much stock into what Elaine has to say about relationships. She comes from a broken home, and I mean that literally. A tree fell on her roof and cracked the whole structure. Her parents got along beautifully, but her house was in bad shape."
MARLA,Maybe I should get going.,JERRY,What else did you say to her?
ELAINE,Nothin'. I was just givin' her the straight dope.,JERRY,"More like a dope was giving it to her straight. Another cup of coffee with you, she'll wind up in a convent."
ELAINE,"Listen, there was a lot more I could've told her, believe me.",JERRY,What is that about leaving after sex? Did I ever leave with you?
ELAINE,You might've if I'd stayed. So you know what? I got served with papers today. Ping is suing me. I need your virgin as a witness. You better be nice to her.,JERRY,I was trying to be.
ELAINE,"Look at George. (On the other side of the restaurant) He lucked out, huh?",JERRY,"Oh, you're not kiddin'. Who'd 've figured Susan would break up with him? They had a good thing going."
[Setting,Monk's Coffee shop],JERRY,(To Elaine) Let me ask you a question.
ELAINE,Mm-hm.,JERRY,"You're a hostage, captured by terrorists-"
ELAINE,"(Smiling, chewing) Who, me?",JERRY,"You, anybody - whatever. You're in the little room, you're chained to the floor, you're there for a long time.. do you think they would ever consider doing the laundry?"
JERRY AND ELAINE,Hi.,JERRY,(To George) What's the matter?
GEORGE,(Slowly shakes his head) My mother caught me.,JERRY,"""Caught"" you? Doing what?"
KRAMER,(Laughing) She caught you?,JERRY,Where?
GEORGE,"(Not really wanting to embellish) ..I stopped by the house to drop the car off, and I went inside for a few minutes.. Nobody was there - they're supposed to be working. (Jerry and Elaine look at each other - enjoying the story) My mother had a Glamour magazine, I started leafing through it..",JERRY,"""Glamour""?"
GEORGE,"..So, one thing lead to another..",JERRY,"So, what did she do?"
GEORGE,"I didn't know whether to try and keep her from falling, or zip up.",JERRY,What did you do?
ELAINE,"No, I guess you couldn't have..",JERRY,"(In the middle of Elaine's sentence, smiling) No, I wouldn't think so."
GEORGE,"Her back went out. She's gotta be there for a couple of days. All she said on the way over in the car was, ""Why, George, why?!"".. I said, ""Because it's there!""",JERRY,"""Glamour""?"
ELAINE,"Oh, gimme a break..",JERRY,(Skeptical) Ohhh yeah.. right.
GEORGE,You don't think I can?,JERRY,No chance.
GEORGE,(Daring) You think you could?,JERRY,"Well, I know I could hold out longer than you."
GEORGE,Care to make it interesting?,JERRY,"Sure, how much?"
GEORGE,A hundred dollars.,JERRY,(Pointing) You're on.
KRAMER,"(Butting in) Wait a second, wait a second. Count me in on this. (Clicks his tongue)",JERRY,You?
KRAMER,Yeah.,JERRY,You'll be out before we get the check.
ELAINE,Why?,JERRY,(Showing difference) It's apples and oranges..
ELAINE,"What? Why? (More 'no, no, no's from Jerry and George. Persistent) Why?",JERRY,Because you're a woman!
ELAINE,So what?,JERRY,It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man.
ELAINE,(Sarcastic) Oh.,JERRY,"We have to do it. It's part of our lifestyle. It's like, uh.. shaving."
GEORGE,"Alright, you're in for one-fifty.",JERRY,"(Nodding) Okay, one-fifty."
GEORGE,"Alright, now, how are we gonna monitor this thing?",JERRY,"Well, obviously, we all know each other very well, (Elaine slightly laughs) I'm sure that we'll all feel comfortable within the confines of the honor system."
GEORGE,"(Stern) No, ma, I'm not gonna see a psychiatrist. N- I don't care if you do pay for it! No! Discussion over. Yeah, alright, I'll see you later. Yes, of course I'm gonna come by. Alright. (Hangs up, slamming it down on the coffee table. He sits down next to Jerry) My mother wants me to see a psychiatrist now. Why?! Because she caught me? (Scoffs, shaking his head) You know, if everyone who did that had to go see a psychiatrist.. (Laughing, he snorts)",JERRY,(Waits for the rest of the sentence) ..Yeah?
GEORGE,(Defensively) Whatever.,JERRY,How is she?
GEORGE,(Shrugging it off) She'll be fine. I gotta go to the hospital to see her tonight.,JERRY,(Answering to the intercom) Yeah?
ELAINE,It's me.,JERRY,Come on up. (Lets her in by unlocking the front door)
GEORGE,"Hey, what are you doing tonight?",JERRY,(Opens his door slightly for Elaine) Dating Marla.
GEORGE,"Oh, the virgin?",JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,"Any, uh.. progress, there? What's the latest?",JERRY,"Well, I got my troops amassed along the border - I'm just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead."
KRAMER,"Hey, look at this, c'mere. There's a naked woman across the street.",JERRY,Where?
GEORGE,(In awe) Wow!,JERRY,(Also amazed) Who walks around the house like that?!
KRAMER,"..Yeah.. (Pause) yeah.. (Slowly stands up, and walks out Jerry's apartment - leaving Jerry and George with the view, he shuts the door behind him)",JERRY,"Hey, let me ask you a question. In these nudist colonies, do they eat naked in the dining room?"
GEORGE,I would imagine it's all naked.,JERRY,"What about the chamber maids? Are they naked, too?"
ELAINE,"Well, (Smiling) where's my money? Who caved?",JERRY,(Over his shoulder) Not me.
ELAINE,What're you looking at?,JERRY,There's a naked woman across the street.
ELAINE,"(Smiling, chuckling) This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life. (Moving on to a new topic) So, my fried, Joyce, is teaching an aerobics class. I'm gonna go tonight.",JERRY,(Commenting) Yeah.. the - the waitress should've taken it back.
ELAINE,"(Realizes Jerry and George aren't paying attention) So then, I got a call this morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're goin' to Mars.",JERRY,(Still staring at the woman) Uh-huh.
ELAINE,"Well, that was fast!",JERRY,"Well, it was that woman across the street. (To Jerry) You know, you better be careful, buddy. She's gonna get you next. (Walks out, shutting the door behind him)"
MARLA,Let's slow it down a little.,JERRY,"""Slow it down""?"
MARLA,"Well, (Reminding him of her virginity) You know..",JERRY,"Ah, yeah.. I know."
MARLA,"You're okay with that, right?",JERRY,"Yeah, yeah.. of course. What, do you think I care about the sex? What kind of person do you think I am? That doesn't mean anything to me. (Faint) I don't care about that."
MARLA,"So, I'll see you Saturday night, then?",JERRY,"(Smiling, nodding) Sure, Saturday night."
MARLA,"Alright, then. Good night.",JERRY,"Goodnight. (She gets out. Jerry leans forward, adding) Not just a good night - a great night. (She shuts the door, he waves)"
KRAMER,(Singing) Goood Moorrrnninng!,JERRY,"(Out of it) Yeah, good morning."
KRAMER,"Ha, ha! Nothing like some good solid sack time. (Turns toward Jerry's window)",JERRY,She's not there. She's doin' her wash.
KRAMER,"(Turning back to Jerry) Oh. So, did you make it through the night?",JERRY,"(Over the top) Yes, I'm proud to say I did!"
KRAMER,"So, you're still master of your domain.",JERRY,"(Nodding) Yes. Yes I am. (Kramer chuckles) Master of my domain. But I will tell you this I am going over to (Gestures to the nudist) her apartment, and I'm tellin' her to put those shades down!"
KRAMER,"Woah, woah, woah. What-what did you just say?",JERRY,"I can't take it anymore! She's driving me crazy! I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I' here, I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest - something's gotta give!"
KRAMER,"Do you hear what you're saying?! Can you hear it?! (Jerry puts on his coat) This is a beautiful woman walking around naked, and you want to tell her to stop?! That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! I mean, think comprehens- I'm not gonna let you do it.",JERRY,"(Persistent) Well, I'm doin' it, get out of my way."
KRAMER,"(Stopping him) No, no, no, no. You can't! You can't! This is something that comes about once in a lifetime! When we were boys, looking through our bedroom windows, we would think ""Why can't there be a woman out there, taking her clothes off?"" And now that wish's come true, and you want to (Makes a noise) throw it away?!",JERRY,"Look, I'm sorry-"
KRAMER,"No, I'm not gonna let you do it, Jerry.",JERRY,"Kramer, (Trying to pass him) get outta my way!"
KRAMER,"(Frantic) No, no, no. Don't do it. Don't do it! For my sake! God knows I don't ask you for much! (Pleading) Now, come on. Please, Jerry. Please! I'm beggin' ya! Please! (Claps hands) Come on! Please!",JERRY,Alright.. (Takes his coat off)
KRAMER,Yes!,JERRY,..Alright.
KRAMER,"(Moving to the window) Thank you, thank you, thank you. (Sits in Jerry's chair, looking out the window)",JERRY,She's not there!
[Setting,Monk's Coffee shop],JERRY,So the nurse was giving her a sponge bath?
GEORGE,"Every night at six-thirty. The nurse was gorgeous.. then I got a look at the patient.. (Laughs, then snorts) I was going nuts.",JERRY,"Oh, man. Well, I guess you'll be going back to that hospital."
GEORGE,"(Fake sympathy) Well, my mother, Jerry..",JERRY,(Pointing) But are you still master of your domain?
GEORGE,(Arms out) I am king of the county. You?,JERRY,Lord of the manor.
ELAINE,John F. Kennedy Jun-ya!,JERRY,What?
ELAINE,(Smiling) He was in my aerobics class.,JERRY,Really? Did you talk to him?
ELAINE,"(Smiling, proud) I said, ""yeah.""",JERRY,"(Adding, fake praise) Good one."
ELAINE,"So then, listen, listen. So then, I showered and I dressed, and I saw him again, on the way out. (Giddy and nearly out of breath) So we're walkin' and talkin', and he asked me my name - and I think I said Elaine - but, I mean, who the hell knows.. And so then, he says to me ""Do you wanna split a cab uptown?"" And I said, ""Sure"" - even though I was going downtown. So, we get in the cab, and I mean, I have no idea where I'm goin', right? But this is John F. Kennedy Junior we're talkin' about! (Deep breath) So, then, he says to me, ""Where do you live?"" And I - and I - and I was close to your block, so I said your building. So he dropped me off in front, (Laughs) and I had to take a cab all the way back downtown to my house.. (Picks up a glass of cold water and presses it up to her forehead to cool her off) Oh, God..",JERRY,"But the question is, are you still master of your domain?"
[Setting,Jerry's apartment],JERRY,"Alright, Ma, I'll talk to you later.. Nothing, I'm, I'm watching, uh, Tiny Toons here, on Nickelodeon.. It's, I-I like kid shows. They have a very innocent, wholesome quality. Okay, alright, I'll talk to you later. Bye. (Hangs up)"
KRAMER,"(Obviously watching the nudist across the street) Oh, that's good. That's good. That's very, very good. Oh, it's hot in there.. (Jerry looks back at Kramer in envy) It's hot in there. So, just walk around a little bit. Don't be ashamed, don't be ashamed.. that's good, that's good.. yes, yes, yes..",JERRY,"(Trying to block out Kramer, he starts to sing along with the TV) The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The wheels on the bus.."
GEORGE,All you got is instant coffee? Why don't you get some real coffee?,JERRY,"I don't keep real coffee in here, I get my coffee on the outside! (Intercom buzzes. He answers it) Yeah?!"
ELAINE,(Through intercom) It's Elaine.,JERRY,(Shouting) Come on up! (Opens his door for Elaine)
GEORGE,Where did you get those socks?,JERRY,I don't know.
GEORGE,I think those are my socks!,JERRY,How are these your socks?!
GEORGE,"I don't know, but those are my socks! I had a pair just like that with the blue stripe, and now I don't have them anymore!",JERRY,"(Sarcastic) Oh, yeah, that's right, well, you fell asleep one day on the sofa and I took them off your stinkin' feet. They looked so good to me, I just had to have them!"
GEORGE,"Yeah, well, they're my socks!",JERRY,They're my socks!
GEORGE,Oh boy..,JERRY,What are we doing here..
GEORGE,..Oh boy.,JERRY,This is ridiculous.
GEORGE,Do you believe this? We're fighting. We're fighting.,JERRY,I haven't been myself lately. I've been snapping at everybody.
GEORGE,(Shocked) You caved?!,JERRY,It's over?
GEORGE,You're out?,JERRY,Ohh-my-God. The Queen is dead.
GEORGE,I figured you'd cruise. At least through the Spring.,JERRY,What happened?
JERRY AND GEORGE,Ohhhhh.. John-John.,JERRY,But you made it through the day before.
ELAINE,"Yeah, but yesterday, he told Joyce, the aerobics teacher, that he wants to meet me outside here at nine o' clock tonight.",JERRY,Why outside here?
ELAINE,"Because he think I live here. Remember when we shared a cab, and he dropped me off out in front? He's picking me up.",JERRY,"Alright, Costanza - it's just you and me."
MARLA,Let's go in the bedroom.,JERRY,Really?
MARLA,Yes.,JERRY,You sure?
MARLA,Yes.,JERRY,You really want to?
MARLA,I do. I'm ready.,JERRY,Okay..
MARLA,I know how difficult this must have been for you.,JERRY,(Chuckles) You don't know the half of it.
MARLA,What do you mean?,JERRY,"Well, it's kinda silly, but.."
MARLA,Contest?! A contest! This is what you do with your friends?,JERRY,"No, it was just a bet. I mean, it actually started with George and his mother-"
ELAINE,What happened?,JERRY,I told her about the contest.
GEORGE,"Yeah, he was talking to Marla.",JERRY,Marla?
GEORGE,"Yeah, drove away.. You know, I said 'Hello' to him. You know, he's - he's-",JERRY,"(Moving to the window, shocked) Oh my God in heaven!"
ELAINE,"Bah bah baaah, Boo doo bah bah bah, boo doo waaaah, waah, waaaah...",JERRY,"Hey, could you do me a favour? [pause] Could you shut-up?"
ELAINE,Hey guess what? This window doesn't work.,JERRY,"I hate rental cars. Nothin' ever works the window doesn't work, the radio doesn't work... and it smells like a cheap hooker... [pause] Or is that you?"
ELAINE,Gimme ten bucks and find out...,JERRY,"So, this worked out pretty good. Them givin' me an extra ticket, y'know, you get a free trip to St. Louis, I did my gig, you got to see your sister..."
ELAINE,"Yeah, worked out good.",JERRY,And here's the beauty--
ELAINE,What?,JERRY,George is pickin' us up at the airport.
ELAINE,Get out of here! Why?,JERRY,You know that awning outside my building?
ELAINE,Yeah...,JERRY,"He's always bragging about his vertical leap, so I bet him fifty bucks that he couldn't touch the awning."
ELAINE,So what happened?,JERRY,"He didn't come within two feet of the thing. He's wavin at it... So, I told him if he picks us up at the airport, he wouldn't have to pay me anything."
ELAINE,"Hey, how we doin' on time?",JERRY,"Timed out perfectly. Drop off the car, pick up the rental car shuttle, we walk right on the plane..."
ELAINE,Hey! Wait up!,JERRY,Hey! Wait up!
SKYCAP,Where you goin'?,JERRY,"Uh, JFK. [To Elaine] I need some small bills for a tip. You got anything?"
ELAINE,"Yeah, you want five?",JERRY,Gimme ten.
ELAINE,You're giving him *ten* dollars?,JERRY,"Well, we got three bags."
ELAINE,That's a pretty big tip...,JERRY,That's what they get!
ELAINE,They don't get that much.,JERRY,Let's ask him.
ELAINE,We can't ask him...,JERRY,Let's see what he says.
ELAINE,"Jerry, we don't have time for this...",JERRY,"Two seconds. [To Skycap] Excuse me, my friend and I here, we were having a discussion and we were wondering what you usually get for a tip."
SKYCAP,"Depends on the person, depends on the bag.",JERRY,"Uh, how about a couple of people like us."
SKYCAP,"People like you? I wouldn't expect much, you don't even look like you know what you're doing...",JERRY,"C'mon, seriously..."
ELAINE,You got some nerve trying to take advantage of us...,JERRY,"All right, look, we're late. Thank you very much..."
ELAINE,Wait up!,JERRY,"You see? Never be late for a plane with a girl. 'Cuz a girl runs like a girl-- with the little steps and the arms flailing out... You wanna make this plane, you've gotta run like a man! Get your knees up!"
TICKET LADY,"Everything into JFK's booked... No, wait-- I have two seats into Laguardia-- but they're not together. It's boarding right now.",JERRY,We'll take 'em!
ELAINE,We're not going to sit together?,JERRY,"Well, so what? It's not that long-- you'll read."
ELAINE,"Well, what about George? He's supposed to pick us up at Kennedy.",JERRY,We'll call him...
ELAINE,There's no time.,JERRY,No time? [To ticket lady] Is there time?
TICKET LADY,There's no time.,JERRY,"There's no time. All right, we'll call him from the plane."
(The two have that uncomfortable politeness that only comes about when you're down to the last piece of pizza. Jerry breaks the silence,),JERRY,I'll take the first class.
ELAINE,Jerry!,JERRY,What?
ELAINE,Why should you get the first class?,JERRY,"Elaine, have you ever flown first class?"
ELAINE,No.,JERRY,"All right then. See? You won't know what you're missing. I've flown first class, Elaine-- I can't go back to coach. I can't... I won't..."
ELAINE,You flew here coach.,JERRY,"Yeah, that's a point..."
ELAINE,"All right, fine. I don't care. If the plane crashes, everybody in first class is going to die, anyway.",JERRY,"Yeah, I'm sure you'll live."
ATTENDANT #1,"Oh, you're in here, sir. Welcome aboard.",JERRY,"Bon voyage, Lainey!"
TIA,"Excuse me, I think you're in my seat...",JERRY,"Oh, sorry... My mistake... [To himself] Thank... *you*!"
TIA,"So, he says, ``squeeze your breasts together'', and I say, ``I thought this was an ad for shoes''...",JERRY,Oh my...
TIA,Is that the new Esquire? Turn to page 146.,JERRY,Wow! Coming out of the shower... It's a good thing they gave you that washcloth to cover yourself up... What is this an ad for?
TIA,"See those wrinkled jeans slung over the chair? Way in the background, out of focus?",JERRY,Uh-huh...
ELAINE,"[To herself, loudly] Wake up, you human slug! Wake up! *Wake* *up*!! I can't hold it anymore! [To the slug out loud] Excuse me, I've gotta go to the bathroom...",JERRY,Oh my... that *is* refreshing...
ATTENDANT,Would you care for some slippers?,JERRY,"Sounds lovely! [To Tia, motioning to put them on her] May I?"
TIA,Please!,JERRY,"Why, It's a perfect fit. You must be Cinderella."
"[Elaine is still waiting to get into the bathroom-- there's someone in there. *Finally*, a ZZ Top reject comes out of the bathroom and, to paraphrase Jerry in ""The Smelly Car""","``I open the door, like a *punch* in the *face*, the stench hits me--''. Elaine takes in a lungful of air and goes in. Brave little soldier.]",JERRY,"Tia, did you see all the flowers in that bathroom? It's like an English garden in there."
ATTENDANT,"They're gardenias, mostly.",JERRY,I thought I smelled lilac.
ATTENDANT,"We have some *delicious* Chateau Briande, my personal favourite. Or, if you prefer something lighter, a poached Dover sole in a delicate white wine sauce with just a *hint* of saffron.",JERRY,"Oh, saffron! That sounds good."
TIA,This is the best sundae I've ever had.,JERRY,"Oh, man. You know what... they got the fudge on the bottom-- y'see? That enables you to control your fudge distribution as you're eatin' your ice cream."
TIA,I've never met a man who knew so much about nothing.,JERRY,Thank you...
ATTENDANT,More anything?,JERRY,More everything!
ELAINE,"Ok, fine. I'll go back... You know, our goal should be a society *without* *classes*! [She goes through the curtain to, ick, *coach*] Do you realise that the people up here are getting *cookies*!",JERRY,"What is all the racket back there? You know, you're trying to relax on the plane and this is what you have to put up with. [To attendant] What is going on?"
ATTENDANT,"Sir, this woman tried to *sneak* into first class.",JERRY,"Oh, you see, that's terrible. The problem is, that curtain is no security-- there really should be a locking door."
KRAMER,Hey! That guy owes me 240 bucks!,JERRY,Couldn't be...
ELAINE,The worst flight I have been on in my entire life.,JERRY,"Yeah, me too..."
TIA,I'll call you.,JERRY,Okay... [To a bamboozled Elaine] It's a business thing...
KRAMER,You guys ready?,JERRY,Yeah. Where's George?
GEORGE,"I loved her Jerry, I loved her.",JERRY,"No, you didn't."
GEORGE,"And she loved me. Hoo, ho, she really did.",JERRY,No she didn't.
GEORGE,"Ah, ...A beautiful successful intelligent woman's in love with me and I throw it all away. uh oh boy. Now I'll spend the rest of my life living alone. I'll sit in my disgusting little apartment watching basketball games, eating Chinese take out. Walking around with no underwear. Because I'm too lazy to do a laundry.",JERRY,You walk around with no underwear?
GEORGE,"Yeah, what do you do when you run out of laundry?",JERRY,I do a wash.
GEORGE,"Who am I going to meet who is better than her? No one, Jerry. No one's better than her.",JERRY,When you were with her you said you couldn't stand her.
GEORGE,I loved her!,JERRY,You said goin up the steps of her apartment was like being taken to a cell.
GEORGE,I gotta call her. Should I call her?,JERRY,"George, I don't know if that is such a good idea?"
GEORGE,Whyie?,JERRY,You need some professional advice. Why don't you go see Elaine's friend? She's a therapist.
GEORGE,I'm not going to see that nut doctor she went to Europe with.,JERRY,"No, no no [Elaine enters, flossing teeth] Elaine what's the name of that friend of yours ... that's a therapist ... the woman."
ELAINE,Dana Folley.,JERRY,"Right, Dana Folley."
ELAINE,Tia? Who's that?,JERRY,She's the model I met on the plane.
ELAINE,She sent you a Christmas card?,JERRY,Um uh. And we're going out Saturday night.
GEORGE,My Darling Susan! My DARLING!!!,JERRY,What are you doing?
ELAINE,... date with Fred.,JERRY,The religious guy?
ELAINE,He's not THAT religious.,JERRY,Let us pray.
KRAMER,"Hey, you got any Double Crunch?",JERRY,Yeah.
ELAINE,Really? Can you really take a picture?,JERRY,"Yeah, he's good. He takes good pictures. He's got equipment over there."
GEORGE,"(singing) Oh hey, if you happen to see the most beautiful girl who walked out on me. Tell her I'm sorry. Tell her I need my baby ... oh won't you tell her ... I love her. Oh hey, ...",JERRY,George I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
TIA,Are you sure you're ready for that kind of comitment?,JERRY,"Well, I figure if it doesn't work out I can always flush them down the toilet."
TIA,That's horrible!,JERRY,What's that perfume you're wearing?
TIA,oh I completely forgot I want you to see this. The CALVIN KLEIN ad I was telling you about came out today.,JERRY,What is that smell?
TIA,It's here somewhere.,JERRY,It smells like the beach.
TIA,Exactly.,JERRY,Oh my God is that the new perfume?
TIA,Yeah.,JERRY,I can't believe this. My next door neighbour had the idea for this exact perfume last year. He even met with an executive at CALVIN KLEIN. I can't believe they stole his idea.
TIA,Are you sure?,JERRY,And you're the model for this perfume?
KRAMER,Hey,JERRY,Hey.
KRAMER,"Hey, how ya' doing? [Trying to enter]",JERRY,"Yeah, uh, I'll see you later."
KRAMER,I just wanted to borrow your Dust Buster.,JERRY,All right come on in. ... Just wait over HERE! Just wait here and I'll get it for you. ... Kramer this is Tia.
KRAMER,Come on lets see - Back to Back.,JERRY,NO! Kramer!
KRAMER,What's the matter with you? I just wanted to see how tall she was.,JERRY,"Oh, you're tall - she's tall I'm tall. What's the difference who's tall. We're all tall."
KRAMER,What's that?,JERRY,What?
KRAMER,That smell. What's that smell?,JERRY,(starting the Dust Buster) What smell?
KRAMER,It's very familiar. I can't put my finger on it. It's very familiar.,JERRY,"Oh, they're all the same. Here. [gives him Dust Buster] Now if you'll excuse us, .."
KRAMER,"Yeah, okay, So I'll see you tomorrow uh?",JERRY,Okay.
TIA,Nice meeting you too.,JERRY,I'll see you later.
KRAMER,"CALVIN KLEIN? No, no. That's my idea. They, they stole my idea. Y' see I had the idea of a cologne that makes you smell like you just came from the beach.",JERRY,I know look at this [shows ad]
ELAINE,Anyway so Fred and I are going to do some volunteer work for that Church on Amsterdam.,JERRY,"Oh, volunteer work!. See that's what I like about the holiday season. That's the true spirit of Christmas. People being helped by people other than me. That makes me feel good inside. Look at what we have here. (mail). A Christmas card from Laine. You didn't have to go to all that trouble."
ELAINE,It was no trouble. My assistant did the whole thing.,JERRY,I didn't even see the picture. How did it come out?
ELAINE,"Well, you know. It's a picture?",JERRY,Oh yeah. Look at that. Looks good. Kramer did a good job.
ELAINE,"Yeah, well. How hard is it to take a picture?",JERRY,... um ...
ELAINE,What?,JERRY,Did you look at look at this picture carefully?
ELAINE,Carefully?,JERRY,Because I'm not sure and and and correct me if I'm wrong but I think I see ... a nipple.
ELAINE,What?,JERRY,"Here. Take a look. What, what is that?"
ELAINE,(gasps) Oh my God! That's my nipple.,JERRY,That's what I thought.
ELAINE,"That's my nipple. My nipple's exposed. I sent this card to hundreds of people! My parents. My boss. Uh, Nana and Papa.",JERRY,DIDN'T YOU LOOK AT THE PICTURE?
ELAINE,It's because you made me wear that stupid shirt.,JERRY,"Well, maybe no one noticed it. You didn't notice it. Let me go get Newman. We'll see if he sees it."
ELAINE,No. I don't want him looking.,JERRY,Oh what's the difference. Everybody else you know has it.
NEWMAN,Okay. What is it?,JERRY,Take a look at this card. Tell me if you notice anything unusual about it.
NEWMAN,Your nipple's showing.,JERRY,Okay. Thanks.
NEWMAN,Anything else?,JERRY,No.
NEWMAN,All right. See you later.,JERRY,What? So what? It's a nipple. A little round circular protuberance. What's the big deal? See everybody's got them. See I got them.
KRAMER,I got them too.,JERRY,Everybody's got them.
GEORGE,(stares at card),JERRY,"No, No, No, No, Oh, No."
GEORGE,Was it a scratch or a pick?,JERRY,It was a scratch.
GEORGE,Hey. It's me.,JERRY,Don't you think I know the difference between a pick and a scratch?
ELAINE,(OC) It's me.,JERRY,Come on up.
GEORGE,Was there any nostril penetration?,JERRY,There may have been some incidental penetration. But from her angle she was in no position to make the call.
GEORGE,"So let's say in her mind she witnessed a pick. Okay, so then what?",JERRY,Is that so unforgivable? Is that like breaking a commandment? Did God say to Moses thou shalt not pick?
GEORGE,I guarantee you that Moses was a picker. You wander throughh the desert for forty years with that dry air. ... You telling me you're not going to have occasion to clean house a little bit.,JERRY,"Let me ask you something. If you were going out with somebody and if she did that what would, would you do? Would you continue going out with her?"
KRAMER,Got any Double Crunch?,JERRY,yeah. I think I do.
KRAMER,That's mine. That's my smell. Jerry you've got to get that model to get me an appointment with CALVIN KLEIN.,JERRY,I can't She won't return my calls because she caught me in a pick at a light.
KRAMER,I thought you said it was a scratch.,JERRY,But that's not what she thinks.
GEORGE,Why don't you call her agency. Maybe she's been out of town and she didn't get the calls.,JERRY,"All right. I'll call the agency. [Elaine grabs card from George] Hello. Yes, I'm trying to get in touch with Tia Van Camp. Do you know if she's been in town? She's been in town. Oh really. well thank you very much. [hangs up] She has been in town. She's at CALVIN KLEIN's right now."
CALVIN KLEIN,Neither do I.,JERRY,Hello there you are.
TIA,What are you doing here?,JERRY,"Well, I had to talk to you - I noticed you haven't been returning my calls."
TIA,"Well, I've been busy.",JERRY,"Because I - I thought we had a good time the other night, an' the only explanation I can come up with is that you think that you caught me (flustered, he indicates a nose pick)"
TIA,(Waving him off) I'd rather not talk about this..,JERRY,But I was clearly on the outer edge of the nostril.
TIA,I know what I saw. (Turns toward the elevators),JERRY,But there - but there was no pick! I - I did not pick! There ws no piick!
TIA,I gotta go. (Quickly walks away from Jerry),JERRY,No! No pick!
[Setting,Calvin Klein office building],JERRY,"An' what if I did do it? Even though I admit to nothing, and never will. What does that make me? And I'm not here just defending myself but all those Pickers out there who've been caught. (Elevator doors open) Each an' every one of them, who has to suffer the shame and humiliation because of people like you.. (Everyone but Jerry is now in the elevator. Jerry's still addressing them) Are we not human?! If we pick, do we not bleed?! (Elevator doors shut. A few people in the hallway are looking at him, he turns and addresses them) I am not an animal!"
GX,So the minute I started up the steps to her apartment I knew I made a terrible mistake. Going back with her. So we're in her apartment she goes into the bathroom. I'm cursing myself; now how do I get out of this? Then it hits me like a bolt of lightening. The pick.,JERRY,The pick?
GEORGE,"She comes out of the bathroom, I'm in up to my wrist. You should have seen the look on her face.",JERRY,I think I've seen that look.
KRAMER,I've got the magazine. The underwear ad came out.,JERRY,"Boy, they really worked on your pectorals."
% A night at the Improv. Jerry receives some disturbing news from the manager,The show has been delayed.,JERRY,"You don't understand. I got this all timed out. I got another spot across town at 950, I'm not gonna be able to make it!"
KERNIS,"I hear you, guy.",JERRY,"And I'm doin' Letterman Monday. You know, I gotta work out the material!"
KERNIS,Why don't you come back and do the 11 o'clock spot?,JERRY,"No, I'm supposed to meet my friends to see this movie ``CheckMate'' at 1030."
BUCKLES,"Hey, Jer!",JERRY,[not losing a step] Heeeeyyyyyyyy..... [and out the door]
BUCKLES,Jerry!,JERRY,What are <you> doing here?
ELAINE,"It's not a theater, it's like a room where they bring in POWs to show them propaganda films.",JERRY,[to taxi driver] Take the Park!
BUCKLES,"Jerry, I want you to do me a favor. No more fish!",JERRY,"[rubbing his eyes hoping the nightmare will end] Okay, I get your point!"
BUCKLES,"Jerry, I want you to have this piece of material.",JERRY,"That's very nice of you, but I can't do the voices."
BUCKLES,Jerry! Don't start up with me!,JERRY,I gotta get out of this cab...
BUCKLES,"But Jerry, quit riffing!",JERRY,"No, I'm not riffing. I'm ignoring! Do you understand the difference?"
BUCKLES,"Jerry, could you do me a personal favor? And if I'm out of line, *please*, let me know. Could I keep my trench coat in your closet for a few months?",JERRY,Your trench coat in my closet?
BUCKLES,We should see ``Rochelle Rochelle''. I hear it's really hot.,JERRY,"No thanks, maybe some other time."
BUCKLES,Really? Do you really mean that?,JERRY,"No, I don't."
BUCKLES,"You liked the athlete's foot bit, right?",JERRY,No. No. I was kidding. It's terrible.
CLERK,[perkily] It's yellow!,JERRY,44th and 9th.
DRIVER,Have you got a cigarette?,JERRY,No.
Driver,"I'm very sorry, you give me few minutes. I have to stop for gasoline.",JERRY,Gasoline? Can't you get it after you drop me off?
"% From his pocket, Kramer digs into his treasured Papaya King hot dog. Then discovers the source of his discomfort",He's sitting on a coat.,JERRY,"Hey, did I make it?"
KERNIS,Sorry.,JERRY,"Oh, great. That's great. What a night."
ANNOUNCER,"Pat Buckles, ladies and gentlemen. Another round of applause for Pat Buckles!",JERRY,You got my spot?
BUCKLES,That athlete's foot bit killed!,JERRY,Really...
BUCKLES,Do you think I need to lose some weight?,JERRY,Weight? Naw. Just need some more height.
BUCKLES,"Come on, we can still catch most of ``Rochelle Rochelle''.",JERRY,"``Rochelle Rochelle'', huh?"
BUCKLES,"A young girl's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk.",JERRY,[his interest piqued] Minsk?
ELAINE,"Oh, gimme a break!",JERRY,Elaine?
ELAINE,Jerry!,JERRY,Elaine!
GEORGE,Jerry?,JERRY,George?
ELAINE,George! [waves hi],JERRY,"Hey, where's Kramer?"
ELAINE,I don't know. Does this movie stink or what!,JERRY,Let's get outta here. [to Buckles] I'll see ya.
BUCKLES,You're leaving?,JERRY,Yeah.
BUCKLES,"[holding out his coat] Jerry, take the coat. Please. One month.",JERRY,I don't want the coat.
GEORGE,"[studying his jacket] Oh man! Look at this! I sat in gum. Oh, by the way, you owe me seven fifty.",JERRY,I didn't even use the ticket!
GEORGE,I still paid for it!,JERRY,I only have a twenty.
ELAINE,"Look, I was nice enough to pick it up for you",JERRY,"Hey, I've been back four days, I want my mail."
ELAINE,"It's mostly bills, magazines and junk mail anyway.",JERRY,"Elaine, that's what mail is. Without bills, magazines and junk mail, there is no mail."
ELAINE,Hi!,JERRY,"Hey, how ya doin?"
ELAINE,"Yeah, well, I guess it's all over.",JERRY,"(looking behind the counter) Hey, is that Babu? It is! (walking over) Hey, Babu!"
BABU,Jerry!,JERRY,"Look at you, you got the job."
BABU,"Yes, yes, they give me job thanks to you.",JERRY,"Oh, I didn't do anything."
BABU,"Yes, you do everything, get me job, you get me a place to live in your building.",JERRY,Come on.
GEORGE,"You mean that's true, I'm right?!",JERRY,"Ok, great, well, I'm glad everything worked out, Babu."
BABU,"Oh, yes, yes, everything wonderful.",JERRY,"Ok, I'll see you around the building."
BABU,I'll see you *in* the building.,JERRY,(returning to the table) Remember Babu Bhatt?
GEORGE,Who's he?,JERRY,"Remember that guy who opened the restaurant across the street from the building last year and he wasn't doing so well and I told him he should make it into all Pakistani and that drove him right out of business? So, you uh, going with me to the auto show with me Saturday?"
ELAINE,"Yeah, yeah.",JERRY,Can you bring my mail then?
GEORGE,Why didn't Kramer pick it up?,JERRY,Cause he's at that baseball fantasy camp in Florida.
GEORGE,"Oh yeah, right. When's he coming back?",JERRY,"Monday, I think."
GEORGE,"Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should plunk down two-thousand dollars to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards into money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating; that's a fantasy camp.",JERRY,"Hey listen, if you're gonna go out with this lawyer, why don't you have dinner with us and then maybe you can go to the auto show with her if you want, you know, have a little company, take the pressure off."
CHERYL,"(howling with laughter) Stop it, you're killing me!!",JERRY,"He never heard of corduroy! True story, true story."
GEORGE,Well I think I'm better off going one-on-one.,JERRY,I don't know why you want to play man-to-man when you could play a zone.
ELAINE,"Why? We're all very nice, we're very friendly.",JERRY,We'll be funny.
ELAINE,"Alright, well if you change your mind, we'll wind up as Isabella's probably around seven.",JERRY,"No, no Isabella's, I don't want to go to Isabella's."
ELAINE,Why?,JERRY,"No, it's too trendy, no Isabella's."
GEORGE,"Toasting makes me uncomfortable. But toast, I love. Never start the day without a good piece of toast. In fact, let's toast to toast.",JERRY,Look who's here! Georgie-boy!
GEORGE,What happened to the auto show?,JERRY,"Oh, we're still going, we're still going. Elaine, do the spokes model."
CHERYL,Is your last name Benes?,JERRY,How did you know?
ELAINE,No!,JERRY,That's so funny!
ELAINE,Tell Ping I said hello.,JERRY,Tell him you think you may have broken the case wide open.
GEORGE,This is not good. This is not good.,JERRY,What's the matter?
GEORGE,I just don't think it's such a great idea for you to sit here.,JERRY,Why not?
ELAINE,"He thinks that if you're too funny, he might not look so funny.",JERRY,Biff?
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,You're not worried about that?
GEORGE,"No, of course not.",JERRY,"I mean, so what if I'm funny? Who cares?"
ELAINE,"He thinks that if a woman sees a guy put on a better show, she'll walk out on his show, go see the other show.",JERRY,"Well, should we leave?"
ELAINE,This is so ridiculous. Can we just go over there?,JERRY,"I don't have to be funny, I don't care."
GEORGE,You don't?,JERRY,No way! It's completely under my control.
ELAINE,"No, it's not. You cannot not be funny.",JERRY,"Of course I can, am I being funny now?"
ELAINE,A little.,JERRY,"Oh, this is funny? I'm being funny?"
ELAINE,Yeah.,JERRY,"George, is this funny?"
GEORGE,Hi.,JERRY,"(subdued, almost somber) Hello. Welcome back."
ELAINE,"Well, nobody likes to get old, right?",JERRY,"Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing."
ELAINE,"Here, take it. I was glad to get rid of it.",JERRY,"Well thank you very much, it's about time."
ELAINE,"Oh listen, guess what? Cheryl convinced Ping to drop the case against me.",JERRY,"Drop the case? Well, congratulations, that'll save you some money."
ELAINE,"Yeah, no kidding. That lawyer was gonna charge me a fortune.",JERRY,"(leafing through his mail) Oh great, a birth announcement from Arnie and Joy Harris."
KRAMER,Hey.,JERRY,I thought you weren't coming back till Monday.
KRAMER,"Well, the camp ended a few days early.",JERRY,Why?
KRAMER,"Uh, well there was an incident.",JERRY,What happened?
KRAMER,I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth.,JERRY,What?
KRAMER,Mickey Mantle.,JERRY,What happened?
KRAMER,"Well, you know, we were playing a game and, you know, I was pitching, and I was really throwing some smoke. And Joe Pepitone, he was up, and man that guy, you know, he was crowding the plate.",JERRY,Wow! Joe Pepitone!
KRAMER,"Yeah, well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own the inside of that plate. So I throw one, you know, inside, you know, a little chin music, put him right on his pants. Cause I gotta intimidate when I'm on the mound. Well the next pitch, he's right back in the same place. So, I had to plunk him.",JERRY,You plunked him.
KRAMER,"Oh yeah. Well, he throws down his bat, he comes racing up to the mound. Next thing, both benches are cleared, you know? A brouhaha breaks out between the guys in the camp, you know, and the old Yankee players, and as I'm trying to get Moose Skowron off of one of my teammates, you know, somebody pulls me from behind, you know, and I turned around and I popped him. I looked down, and woah man, it's Mickey. I punched his lights out.",JERRY,"Wow, this is incredible!"
BABU,Leave me alone! You can't do this to me!,JERRY,What's going on out there?
BABU,"What are you doing? This is not right, people. You're making a very bad mistake, very bad.",JERRY,Babu? (leaving) I'll be right back.
ELAINE,They took Babu away?!,JERRY,"Yeah, the Immigration guy said his Visa was expired. Poor Babu, everything was going so well for him. He had an apartment, he had a job. What a shame."
KRAMER,"Then Hank Bauer, you know, he's chasing me around, he trips over third base and knocks over Clete Boyer.",JERRY,(thumbing through his mail) Uh oh.
ELAINE,What?,JERRY,Well this is interesting.
ELAINE,What is it?,JERRY,"It's a letter from the Immigration Bureau, it's Babu's Visa renewal application form. They must have put it in my mailbox by mistake."
KRAMER,"Well, doesn't he need that?",JERRY,"If you had given me my mail last week when I got home, this whole thing never would have happened."
ELAINE,"Well, you should have come to my house to pick it up.",JERRY,"Yeah, so am I being funny now?"
ELAINE,"No, actually, you're not being funny now.",JERRY,"See, I told you I wasn't funny all the time. (George enters) Hey George, look, I'm not funny now."
GEORGE,"No, and you weren't funny last night either. In fact, you got us both so depressed, she asked me to drive her home after dinner.",JERRY,"Oh look, I need to get in touch with Cheryl. Babu needs a lawyer, his Visa's expired."
GEORGE,What do you need her for? There's a million lawyers.,JERRY,"Yeah, but you said this is one of the things that her firm does."
GEORGE,"Alright, alright, but no funny business, same deal as last night.",JERRY,"Ah, will you stop it already?"
GEORGE,"Jerry, please?",JERRY,How long is this gonna go on?
GEORGE,Till I'm comfortable.,JERRY,"Well, when is that gonna be?"
GEORGE,After consummation.,JERRY,Consummation? I don't think you have enough material.
CHERYL,I actually have a friend in the Immigration Department who owes me a big favor. You're very lucky.,JERRY,(somber) That's wonderful news. Thank you.
CHERYL,"You're a very serious person, aren't you?",JERRY,"Well, with so many people in the world deprived and unhappy, it doesn't seem like it would be fair to be cheerful."
CHERYL,I think it's curdled.,JERRY,I don't care.
CHERYL,Do you ever laugh?,JERRY,"Not really. Sometimes, when I'm in the tub."
CHERYL,That's so sad. What do you do?,JERRY,"I'm a comedian. Oh, let me get that. (reaching for the check) You've been so helpful."
ELAINE,"(entering as Jerry heads to the register) Hey, we're gonna go see Babu now, right?",JERRY,"Yeah, I'll just pay for this."
CHERYL,"Well, after we met, you were all so nice. I just couldn't go through with it. But between you and me, you would have paid through the nose.",JERRY,Babu!
BABU,"Jerry! Jerry, hello Jerry!",JERRY,You remember Elaine.
BABU,So nice of you both to come.,JERRY,"Oh, Babu."
ELAINE,We try.,JERRY,We do what we can.
BABU,The problem is I never got my Visa renewal form in the mail. I was expecting it.,JERRY,"Yes, well, see, here's the thing, Babu. Um, what happened was I was away for a couple of weeks doing some comedy shows."
BABU,Comedy shows! You're a very funny man.,JERRY,"Well, Elaine here was picking up my mail while I was away, because you know that little box can get very full."
BABU,"Oh yes, of course. TV Guide, magazines, everything. You know, I would have picked up your mail, your box is right next to mine.",JERRY,"Oh, I don't want to bother you."
BABU,"No bother! You get me job, you get me apartment, you very very good man.",JERRY,"So yesterday, after they took you away, I looked in my mail and I noticed that the mailman accidentally put your Visa renewal in my mail box."
BABU,Come again?,JERRY,"You see, I've been home for a week and Elaine didn't give me my mail until yesterday, even though I asked her repeatedly for it."
BABU,You had my Visa application?!,JERRY,Well not technically.
BABU,(extremely and suddenly agitated) I kill you!!,JERRY,Well what about her?
BABU,I kill both of you!!,JERRY,Babu?!
BABU,No Babu! No Babu! You bad man! You very bad man! You very lazy bad man!,JERRY,"Babu, I'm gonna fix everything! I have a lawyer who knows someone in the Immigration Department, they're gonna straighten the whole thing out, the wheels are in motion, things are happening even as we speak!"
BABU,The wheels are in motion?,JERRY,"The wheels are in motion, things are happening!"
ELAINE,"So, what's up with Babu? How come he's not back?",JERRY,"I don't know, I don't understand it. Cheryl was supposed to take care"
GEORGE,It's George.,JERRY,C'mon up.
BABU'S BROTHER,"Babu, my goodness, what has happened to you?",JERRY,Where's Babu?
BABU'S BROTHER,He is in Pakistan!,JERRY,Who are you?
BABU'S BROTHER,"I am his brother. He knew a lawyer, it was all going to be fixed.",JERRY,I'm sure the lawyer did everything they could.
BABU'S BROTHER,"No, too fruity.",JERRY,"Hey, what happened? I thought Cheryl was gonna help Babu get his Visa."
GEORGE,She didn't help him?,JERRY,No.
GEORGE,Where is he?,JERRY,He's in Pakistan.
GEORGE,Oh boy.,JERRY,"What do you mean, oh boy?"
GEORGE,"Well, last night she told me that she liked you. Not you, the disturbed you, so I had to tell her the truth.",JERRY,"Told her the truth? Well, you got Babu deported."
GEORGE,"What do you mean, I got? You didn't give him his Visa application.",JERRY,That's because she had my mail.
KRAMER,"Well, I just came back from Mickey Mantle's restaurant.",JERRY,How could you go in there?
KRAMER,"Well, I had to. I had to apologize. I mean, I punched Mickey Mantle, my idol. It was eating me up inside!",JERRY,"Well, what happened?"
GEORGE (laughing),"I'll tell you something, I've never seen a pilot script as funny as this!",JERRY,"Yeah, it's funny!"
GEORGE,"I mean, we're not stupid, right? We know when something's funny!",JERRY,"It cannot not be funny! Now come on, let's stay with it, we gotta finish this today."
GEORGE,"Okay. Hey, you know what, maybe I should give it to my therapist to read. She's smart, I trust her.",JERRY,"Yeah, maybe I'll give it to Elaine."
GEORGE,"Hey, you know, we haven't brought the Elaine character into the show yet. Umm, We should try and get her into this scene.",JERRY,"Right, right. Okay. (Writing) Elaine enters."
GEORGE,Right,JERRY,(Thinks) What does she say...?
GEORGE (thinking),"I don't know, what do women say?",JERRY,I don't know.
GEORGE,I don't even know what they think. That's why I'm in therapy.,JERRY,"You know, if we bring Elaine in, it's going to be so many people to keep track of. It's gonna be too hard, I'll forget where everybody's standing, you, me, Kramer, the butler, it's too much."
GEORGE,"Alright, forget Elaine.",JERRY,Alright. (They tear the pages out of their notepads. Kramer enters.)
KRAMER (to Jerry),You are never gonna believe who I just ran into today.,JERRY,Who?
KRAMER,Your old flame. Gail Cunningham.,JERRY,Did you talk to her?
KRAMER,"Well, I was on my way to the Y, and I saw her coming towards me? I didn't know what to do! Because I remembered you had three dates with her and she wouldn't kiss you goodnight. So now I'm thinking you know, what is my duty to my friend? Do I acknowledge her? Do I you know ignore her? I mean, what is my responsibility here?",JERRY,So what happened?
KRAMER,"Yeah, yeah, so she sees me and she goes, (imitates Gail) ""Oh, hi! Kramer!"" You know? Like nothing happened! Like she never you know went three dates with you and refused to kiss you goodnight.",JERRY,"Yeah, I know about the three dates."
KRAMER,You know what I did? I snubbed her.,JERRY,"What do you mean, you snubbed her?"
ELAINE (throws the script at Jerry),I'm not even in here!,JERRY,"Yeah, I know."
ELAINE,"Well, I thought there was going to be a character named Elaine Benes.",JERRY,"Well, there were too many people in the room, we couldn't keep track of everybody. George, and the butler, and..."
ELAINE,"You couldn't ""keep track"" of everybody?",JERRY,"Well, we tried. We couldn't. We didn't know how to, uh...(confessing) ...we couldn't write for a woman. We didn't know what you would say. Even right now, I'm sitting here, I know you're going to say something, I have no idea what it is."
ELAINE,You have no idea?,JERRY,Something derogatory? (Gail enters the coffee shop and walks over to the booth.)
GAIL (to Jerry),I thought I'd find you here.,JERRY,"Well, Gail Cunningham."
GAIL,"Hi, Elaine. (To Jerry) Hey, what is with your friend Kramer?",JERRY,Why?
GAIL,He snubbed me.,JERRY,Are you sure?
GAIL,"Yeah, I'm sure. What did you tell him?",JERRY,"Nothing. (Elaine grabs Jerry's sandwich and is about to take a bite.) Hey, where you goin' with that? Gimme that. (Takes back the sandwich.)"
ELAINE,I thought you were finished.,JERRY,"I took two bites, how am I finished? (Elaine coughs.) Plus you're coming down with something? You want me to get sick? (Offers Gail the sandwich) Bite?"
GAIL,"So, how come? Why did Kramer do that?",JERRY,"I don't know. Once he leaves the building, he's out of my jurisdiction."
GAIL,"Well, tell him that I am mad at him.",JERRY,"Alright. So, where ya cookin' now?"
GAIL,Pfeiffer's.,JERRY,"Ah, the power lunch crowd."
ELAINE,Really.,JERRY,Would you care to join us?
GAIL,"No, no, I gotta get to the restaurant. (Looks at her watch.) Oh! See ya. (Exits.)",JERRY,See ya.
"ELAINE (irritated, imitates Gail)","""Oh, look at you, the Botticelli's.""",JERRY,That bothered you?
ELAINE,"Yes, it bothered me. So I bought a pair of shoes at Botticelli's, I'm not allowed to shop there? That really embarrassed me.",JERRY,It did?
GEORGE,"Oh, she didn't think it was funny. What is she, Rowan & Martin? We're supposed to meet with NBC tomorrow! She completely shattered my confidence. And I'm paying for this, she's my employee!",JERRY,I thought your mother's paying for it.
KRAMER,"I just kissed Gail Cunningham. (Jerry turns and looks at Kramer, shocked. Elaine grins and heads to the bathroom.)",JERRY,You what?
KRAMER,"Yeah, I kissed her.",JERRY,You kissed her?
KRAMER,Right on the mouth.,JERRY,What kinda great friend are you? How do you go from snubbing to kissing?
KRAMER,"Well, I saw her outside the Y, you know, she came up to me, she started yelling because I snubbed her, and then we started talking a little bit, and I walked her to her building. And just before I left, I put my arm around her waist, I pulled her to me, and I - mmm - I planted one! (Laughs.)",JERRY,And what did she do?
KRAMER,She kissed me back.,JERRY,"I don't get this. I go out with this girl three times, she doesn't want to shake my hand - why's she kissing you?"
ELAINE (angrily),"""How I'm buying my shoes now at Botticelli's!"" Did you hear this? (Shoves Jerry and Kramer.)",JERRY,So what?
RUSSELL,"Awfully sorry to make you come up here, but I really wasn't feeling well enough to go back to the office, and well, it's the only chance I have to meet with you this week.",JERRY,Are you alright?
RUSSELL,"Well, it's my stomach. I think there must have been something in the pasta primavera I had for lunch.",JERRY,"Oh, Where did you eat?"
RUSSELL,Pfeiffer's.,JERRY,Ah. I know the chef there.
RUSSELL,"Well, we'd better get started, my daughter's going to be here soon.",JERRY,"Oh, you have a daughter?"
RUSSELL,"Alright. The script. Now, I've read this thing three times...and everytime I read it...(looks nauseous, struggles not to vomit.)",JERRY,What?
RUSSELL,Excuse me for a second. (Gets up and runs to the bathroom.),JERRY,What?
GEORGE,"Would you like a Pepto-Bismol? I keep them in my wallet...! (Russell goes into the bathroom and shuts the door.) (To Jerry) Do you think he liked it? (From the bathroom, we hear Russell violently heaving his guts.)",JERRY,I'm not sure. (The sounds of Russell vomiting emanate from the bathroom. Jerry and George sit there uncomfortably.) What was that dish he said he had...?
GEORGE,Pasta primavera.,JERRY,"Ah. You know, 'primavera' is Italian for 'spring.'"
GEORGE,No!,JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,More jokes?,JERRY,Another ending?
GEORGE,A different name for the butler? (Russell throws up again.),JERRY,Maybe we should go.
RUSSELL (from bathroom),Oh God. Oh my god.,JERRY,"I can't listen to anymore of this, the guy's losing a lung in there. (Russell's daughter Molly enters.)"
MOLLY,Hello.,JERRY,Hi.
MOLLY,I'm Molly.,JERRY,"Oh, I'm Jerry."
GEORGE,George.,JERRY,We're here discussing our script with your father.
GEORGE (to Jerry),Divorce is very difficult. Especially on a kid.,JERRY,Uh huh.
RUSSELL (angrily),"Get a good look, Costanza?",JERRY,What were you doing?
GEORGE,"Well, it's not my fault. You poked me!",JERRY,You're supposed to just take a peek after a poke. You were like you just put a quarter into one of those big metal things on top of the Empire State Building.
GEORGE,"It's cleavage. I couldn't look away. What am I, waiting to win an Oscar here? This is all I have in my life.",JERRY,"Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun, you don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away."
GEORGE,"All right. So, he caught me in a cleavage peek, so big deal. Who wouldn't look at his daughter's cleavage? She's got nice cleavage.",JERRY,That's why I poked.
GAIL,Hey! What is with your friend Elaine?,JERRY,What?
GAIL,"She comes to my restaurant, comes right in my kitchen, and starts complaining that I'm talking about her shoes.",JERRY,She did?
GEORGE,Pasta primavera?,JERRY,Is that what she said? (Kramer pokes his head back in the door.)
KRAMER (to Jerry),"She's somethin', huh? She's a wild one. She's wearin' me out.",JERRY,She is?
KRAMER,"She's sensual. You know, with the...cooking and all. (Kramer grins happily at Jerry and leaves. The phone rings. Jerry tosses the trashbag to George.)",JERRY,"Hello? Oh, hi Stu."
GEORGE (lazily swinging the garbage bag around),From NBC?,JERRY,"(to George) Yeah. (oh the phone) What's goin' on? What? Really? Oh my god....did he give you a reason?...Oh boy. Okay. Alright. Thanks. (hangs up.) Dalrymple just cancelled the pilot. (George drops the bag, shocked.)"
GEORGE,He poked me!,JERRY,"There was cleavage in the area. That's a reflex - (mimics nudging someone with an elbow) - cleavage-poke, cleavage-poke..."
ELAINE,But she was fifteen.,JERRY,"You don't consider age in the face of cleavage. This occurs on a molecular level, you can't control it! We're like some kind of weird fish where the eyes operate independently of the head."
GEORGE,"Alright, what's the difference. What are we gonna do now? He won't take our calls, we can't get into his office...",JERRY,"You know what we could do? He eats at that restaurant, Pfeiffer's? We could have Gail call us, tell us the next time he's there, go there and talk to him."
GEORGE,"Hey, now you're onto something.",JERRY,The whole thing is so stupid. Like he wouldn't do the same thing if Elaine walked by in a low-cut dress.
GEORGE,"Yeah. Well, maybe not Elaine.",JERRY,No.
GEORGE,"But...somebody like Gail, though.",JERRY,Ya.
KRAMER,Yah-hey.,JERRY,"Kramer, listen, I want you to ask Gail to do me a favor. The next time Russell Dalrymple comes in the restaurant, ask her if she would call me."
KRAMER,"Alright, I'll call her right now.",JERRY,Ok. (Kramer goes back to his apartment.)
ELAINE (to George),"What do you mean, Gail? You don't think I can attract attention? You don't think I can put asses in the seats?",JERRY,"Look, sweetheart, you know you've got it all. But let's face it... (Kramer comes back.)"
GEORGE,Beautiful.,JERRY,Beautiful.
ELAINE,She wants my shoes? What kind of person is this? Alright! She is not getting 'em!,JERRY,"No, come on! I'll buy you another pair!"
ELAINE,"No, these were the last pair of these that they had!",JERRY,I'll get you another one just like it!
GAIL (hands a plate to another chef),"Sauce this. (Goes to the telephone and dials.) Yeah, he's here. Oh, and one more thing...bring the shoes. (Hangs up.)",JERRY,Hey! Whattaya know!
GEORGE,Look who's here!,JERRY,Fancy meeting you here!
GEORGE (notices Russell's lunch),Pasta primavera! Back on the horse.,JERRY,"You know, it's a funny thing, because after the pilot got cancelled, we hadn't heard from you."
GEORGE,Didn't hear anything...,JERRY,Didn't know...we were wondering...what happened.
GEORGE,"Oh...uh, because if it had anything at all to do with what you perceived as me leering at your daughter, I really have to take issue with that. I did not leer. (To Jerry) Did I leer?",JERRY,No leer. (Elaine comes over to Russell's table.)
ELAINE,Mmmm.,JERRY,Really good.
GEORGE,This pasta primavera is fabulous.,JERRY,Very tasty.
GEORGE,Great.,JERRY,"The pilot's back on. In fact, Elaine's going out with him tomorrow night. (Gail nods and walks away.) Listen, Elaine, you know if Russell mentions anything about the pilot, you'll of course tell him how much you liked it...?"
ELAINE,"You know, I happen to have the script right here with me and, uh...on page 3, for example, suppose the Elaine character comes in wearing a...a low-cut dress. And the butler is very distracted, and can't work.",JERRY,"Uh...that kind of comedy, that's a little broad for us."
GEORGE,"Well, it's a funny idea.",JERRY,It's funny!
GEORGE,"C'mon, funny is funny.",JERRY,"Funny is funny, we're here to entertain, right?"
ELAINE,"Alright, well, maybe I'll mention it to Russell tomorrow night.",JERRY,If you can.
ELAINE,"Bouchard's, on 53rd. (George starts choking on his wine, and attempts to tell Elaine something.)",JERRY,"I think what he's trying to say is, ""get the bouilla-base."" (George nods 'yes' and continues to choke.)"
ELAINE,I got him a two-line phone.,JERRY,Unbelievable! She's not there.
GEORGE,What paper does she write for?,JERRY,"The works for the NYU school newspaper. She's a grad student in journalism. Never been to a comedy club. Never even seen me, has no idea who I am."
ELAINE,Never even seen you? Gotta kinda envy that...,JERRY,"Y'know, you've been developing quite the acid-tongue lately..."
ELAINE,"Hey, who do you think is the most unattractive world leader?",JERRY,Living or all time?
ELAINE,All time.,JERRY,"Well, if it's all time, then there's no contest. It begins and ends with Brezhnev."
GEORGE,"So, whaddya say? You know you'll always be the only man I'll ever love.",JERRY,[indignantly] What's the matter with you?
GEORGE,"[quietly] C'mon, go along...",JERRY,"I'm not goin' along. I can just see you in Berlin in 1939 goose- stepping past me ""C'mon Jerry, go along, go along..."""
ELAINE,Hear what?,JERRY,That I'm gay. People think I'm gay.
ELAINE,"Yeah, you know people ask me that about you, too.",JERRY,"Yeah, 'cuz I'm single, I'm thin and I'm neat."
GEORGE,"I just thought of a great name for myself, if I ever become a porno actor.",JERRY,"Oh yeah, what? ""Buck Naked""?"
GEORGE,"Yeah, how did you know that?",JERRY,You told me that already like two months ago.
GEORGE,Allison bought it for me.,JERRY,How you gonna get out of *that* one?
GEORGE,I dunno. I guess I have to wait for her to die.,JERRY,He's gonna hang around if that's alright with you?
GEORGE,Jerry did you wash this pear?,JERRY,"Yeah, I washed it."
GEORGE,It looks like it hasn't been washed.,JERRY,So *wash* *it*.
GEORGE,Jerry said he didn't like it.,JERRY,I didn't say I didn't like it. I said it was O.K...
GEORGE,"No, you said you didn't like it...",JERRY,"Oh, so what if I don't like it. Is that like the end of the world, or something?"
SHARON,So how did you two meet?,JERRY,"Actually, we met in the gym locker room."
SHARON,Do you guys live together?,JERRY,[quizzically] Live together?
SHARON,And do your parents know?,JERRY,Know *what*?
GEORGE,My parents? They don't know *what's* goin' on...,JERRY,"Oh God, you're that girl in the coffee shop that was eavesdropping on us. I *knew* you looked familiar!"
GEORGE,"No, of course not...",JERRY,I mean that's fine if that's who you are...
GEORGE,Absolutely...,JERRY,I mean I have many gay friends...
SHARON,"Look, I know what I heard.",JERRY,It was a *joke*...
GEORGE,No!,JERRY,No steam!
KRAMER,Happy birthday paruba!,JERRY,Today's not my birthday.
KRAMER,"Well, I beg to differ...",JERRY,Look at this! A phone! A two-line phone!
SHARON,"Jerry, it's Sharon from NYU. I'm just calling to tell you that I'm not going to play up that angle we talked about and I'm sorry.",JERRY,"Thank you very much, that's great- >click< Oh! Hold on a sec, I got a call on the other line. >click click< Hello?"
GEORGE,Hey.,JERRY,"Hey, how ya doin'? Y'know I got that reporter from the newspaper on the other line."
GEORGE,"So, what did she say?",JERRY,"She says she's not going to play up that angle of the story. She thinks we're heterosexual. [sarcastically] I guess we *fooled* her. I'll get rid of her, hold on... >click click< Sharon? Hello? Sharon, are you there? >click click< I'm back..."
GEORGE,Y'know... I could hear you on the other line...,JERRY,What are you talkin' about?
GEORGE,"I heard what you said ""Sharon, are you there?"".",JERRY,"You heard me talkin' on the other line, are you sure?"
GEORGE,"Yes, I heard you!",JERRY,"Well, maybe she was disconnected."
GEORGE,Maybe she wasn't! Maybe she heard the whole conversation!,JERRY,"Alright, hang on. Let me call Kramer and see if you can hear anything, hold on. >click click click<..."
KRAMER,Yello?,JERRY,"Kramer, there may be a problem with the phone, hold on. >click click<"
GEORGE,"""There may be a problem with the phone, hold on""!",JERRY,"Oh no! >click click< Kramer, this phone's a piece of junk, goodbye!"
GEORGE,"""The phone's a piece of junk, goodbye""!",JERRY,Oh no! Now she's heard everything! What are we gonna do?!?
GEORGE,"Now she thinks we're gay, not that there's anything wrong with it...",JERRY,"No, no, of course not! People's personal sexual preferences are nobody's business but their own!"
ELAINE,"So she kept insisting I take off my coat. I refused, and then she forcibly tried to get me to remove it.",JERRY,"She wouldn't take her coat off at my house, either."
GEORGE,"Y'know there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on in somebody's house, the families go to war!",JERRY,"So you don't take your coat off, and now everyone at NYU thinks I'm gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that..."
GEORGE,"Two tickets to ""Guys And Dolls""! I'm gonna go with you!",JERRY,"""Guys And Dolls""? Isn't that a lavish, Broadway musical?"
GEORGE,"It's ""Guys And *Dolls*"", not ""Guys And *Guys*"".",JERRY,"""The Collected Works Of Bette Midler""."
MAN #1,"_The New York Post_, they've got an article about you.",JERRY,"""Although they maintain separate residences, the comedian and his long-time *companion* seem to be inseparable..."" Oh no! The Associated Press picked up the NYU story. That's going to be in every paper! I've been ""outed""! I wasn't even ""in""!"
GEORGE,Now everyone's going to think we're gay!,JERRY,Not that there's anything wrong with that...
GEORGE,"No, not at all...",JERRY,"""Within the confines of his fastidious bachelor *pad*, Seinfeld and Costanza bicker over the cleanliness of a piece of *fruit* like an old married couple--"" *I told you that pear was washed*!"
KRAMER,I thought we were friends...,JERRY,Here we go...
KRAMER,"I mean, how could you two keep this a secret from me?",JERRY,It's not true!
KRAMER,"Aaaah! Enough lying! The lying is through! C'mon, Jerry, the masquerade is over. You're thin, late thirties, single...",JERRY,So are you...
MRS. S,"Oh, my God...",JERRY,"Oh, my God! [takes the phone] Ma?"
MRS. S,Jerry?,JERRY,Ma!
MRS. S,Jerry?,JERRY,"Ma, it's not true!"
MR. S,"It looked like he was wearing a skirt, for crying out loud!",JERRY,"Ma, it has nothing to do with the culottes!"
SAILOR,"Excuse me, sir? I don't mean to bother you. I just wanted you to know that it took a lot of guts to come out the way you did, and that you've inspired me to do the same, even though that may mean a discharge from the service. Thanks.",JERRY,"Y'know, I think I'll pass on the ""Guys And Dolls""..."
GEORGE,"Oh, my God...",JERRY,What?
SHARON,"Oh, can you ever forgive me?",JERRY,"I dunno... [they kiss again] *Alright*, I forgive you..."
SHARON,"Y'know the funny thing is, I was attracted to you immediately.",JERRY,"I was attracted to you, too. You remind me of Lois Lane."
GEORGE,"Jerry! Oh, my God! What are you doing!?!",JERRY,What!?
GEORGE,You're with a *woman*!,JERRY,I know! What are you doin' here?!?
GEORGE,"I leave you alone for two seconds, and this is what you do! I trusted you!",JERRY,[forcibly removing G. from the apt] Would you get the Hell out of here!
GEORGE,"Alright, tell her. Go ahead.",JERRY,Tell her what?
GEORGE,"Oh, what's the point? When I like them, they don't like me, when they like me, I don't like them. Why can't I act with the ones I like the same way I do with the ones I don't like?",JERRY,"Well, you've only got another fifty years or so to go before it'll *all* be over..."
GEORGE,Maybe I need someone who doesn't speak English.,JERRY,"Yeah, how about a mute?"
GEORGE,A mute would be good.,JERRY,"Ah, where you gonna meet a mute?"
GEORGE,"I dunno, Jerry somethin's missing. There's a void, Jerry, there's a void...",JERRY,"A deep, yawning chasm..."
GEORGE,There's gotta be more to life than this. What gives you pleasure?,JERRY,Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure.
ELAINE,Hey boys!,JERRY,Hey! How you doin'?
GEORGE,"Volunteer work, huh?",JERRY,What're you gonna do down there?
ELAINE,"Well, they say all it is is that you go over to their apartment and, I dunno, you take them for a walk and you get a cup of coffee and it's supposed to make them feel good.",JERRY,That's what I do with him [points at George]
ELAINE,Last time I had lunch with you here. You were going *on* and *on* and *on* about how you wanted to meet somebody who didn't speak English.,JERRY,"What, do you break it in with her, then you try it out on me?"
ELAINE,[To Jerry] What about you?,JERRY,"Nah, it's not for me."
GEORGE,What *kind* of a person are you?,JERRY,I think I'm pretty much like you-- only successful.
AGENCY REP,Good luck.,JERRY,Thank you.
GEORGE,"Hey, what's your guy's name again?",JERRY,Fields. Sidney Fields. *87* years old. *87*. How about your guy?
GEORGE,Ben Cantwell. 85. Huh... You think we'll make it to that age?,JERRY,*We*? No.
KRAMER,"So what's up, Diggity Dog?",JERRY,George and I just signed up with the Senior Citizen's Volunteer Agency. Same thing Elaine's doing.
KRAMER,"Oh, that's too bad. Now don't say I didn't try to warn you.",JERRY,What're you talkin' about?
KRAMER,"Oh, Jerry, I'm *surprised* at you!",JERRY,What?
KRAMER,"It's a *con*. These agencies are usually a front for some money laundering scheme. Or they're bunko artists; bilkin' people out of their life savings, oh *yeah*.",JERRY,Where do you *get* this?
KRAMER,I'm in here. C'mon...,JERRY,"Hello, *Newman*..."
KRAMER,Well--,JERRY,What records?
NEWMAN,Sometimes...,JERRY,Why *is* that?
NEWMAN,"Alright, well be back... *jack*!",JERRY,"Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me."
HOUSEKEEPER,Agency?,JERRY,"Yeah, is this Sid Field's residence?"
SID,What the *Hell* is it?,JERRY,Mr. Fields?
SID,What!?!,JERRY,"Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me."
SID,Agency? What agency? The *CIA*?,JERRY,"No, no, the--"
SID,Who let you in here?,JERRY,"The woman, she--"
SID,"Oh *her*. She *steals* from me. Steals my money. She says she doesn't speak English. My *ass* she doesn't speak English. Plays that freakin' ""voo-doo"" music, tries to hypnotize me. She thinks she's gonna turn me into a zombie and then rob me blind. Well, I wasn't born yesterday. I may drop dead today, but I sure as Hell wasn't born yesterday. Now get the Hell out of my house...",JERRY,"Mr. Fields, I'm here to spend some time with you."
SID,"Oh, really. Are you the boyfriend? I know she's got a boyfriend. Are you going to *kill* me? I'm an old man for crying out loud, you gonna kill an old man, you coward?!? [Jerry gets out card]",JERRY,"No, Mr. Field, look, really I'm--"
SID,I can't read that you fool...,JERRY,What's all this stuff?
SID,Trash. Garbage.,JERRY,You're throwin' this out??
"(You can make out the albums pretty clearly. One is an apparent K-Tel ""classic""","""22 Explosive Hits"", I don't know the other one. Anyone? I believe ""The Beatles"" (The White Album) is there also.)",JERRY,You don't want any of this?
SID,"Well if I wanted it I wouldn't be throwing it away, *Ein-stein*.",JERRY,You know I have some friends who would really like to have these.
SID,"Well, take it. I'm sure as Hell not going to give it to my family.",JERRY,"Well, do you want to go out for a walk, get a cup of coffee..."
SID,With you? I'd rather be dead.,JERRY,"Well, maybe I'll get goin' then. I just remembered I got an appointment to get my, um, tonsils out."
ELAINE,"Bother me? Oh, phhbt... Why would a little goiter like that bother me? No, not a bit. It's nothing. It's nothin', it's um, in fact, it's um, it's very distinctive, y'know? Um, I mean you want to know something? I, I wish I had one. [pause] Really.",JERRY,"C'mon Elaine, it's just a goiter..."
ELAINE,"I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't look the woman in the face. I mean I keep thinkin' that that goiter's gonna start talkin' to me... You'd think they'd mention that before they send you over there ""Oh, by the way, this woman *almost* has a second head"". But no, no, I didn't get any goiter information.",JERRY,"They really should mention that in the breakdown height, weight, goiter."
ELAINE,Y'know you try to do some good. You want to be a good person but this is too much to ask.,JERRY,"Yeah, well, I'll tell ya, I'd rather talk to a goiter with a nice disposition than the nut they sent me to."
GEORGE,I don't think it's gonna work out...,JERRY,Whattya mean?
GEORGE,He fired me.,JERRY,He fired you?!?
GEORGE,I dunno. I was just talking to the man and he walked out on me!,JERRY,"Well, I dunno about you two, but I'm quitting. I hate my guy. He's a mean, mean guy."
ELAINE,I wish I could quit...,JERRY,So quit!
KRAMER,"Well, here's your *albums* [Journey ""Escape"" is on top, BTW...]",JERRY,What happened?
NEWMAN,That guy thought we were a couple of total squares.,JERRY,"Oh yeah, you and your *Sergio Mendes*..."
KRAMER,"Hey, hey, hey, hey, that guy can't even go to the bathroom in South America!",JERRY,"Well you shoulda seen the pile of albums this old guy I was visiting today was throwing away Sinatra, Duke Ellington, Al Jolson, Benny Goodman..."
KRAMER,"Wait, wait, wait, now... He's throwin them out??",JERRY,"Yeah, and then I asked him if my friend could have them and he said yeah."
KRAMER,Yeah...,JERRY,But you're going to have to go get em. I'm not carryin' them all.
KRAMER,"Yeah, but you've gotta come with us.",JERRY,"Yeah, I'm goin' there today. In fact you should see this house keeper he's got. She's from Senegal [and, ala Carson] Wild, Wild, Stuff..."
SID,"Hey, what are those bums doin' back there?",JERRY,Well you said they could come and take the records.
GEORGE,I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body. [No reaction] You don't understand! It's a miracle! You don't understand because you don't speak English!,JERRY,So Mr. Fields I just don't know if this arrangement is--
SID,My teeth! My teeth!,JERRY,Where's his teeth! Where's his teeth!
GEORGE,I thought I saw something fly over here...,JERRY,Well turn the light on...
AGENCY REP,Do you realize how irresponsible this is? Our agency's sole purpose is to care for senior citizens. And in one fell swoop you've single- handedly destroyed our reputation.,JERRY,"Yes, but--"
TIM,"It's Tim Fields, Mr. Fields' son.",JERRY,"Alright, c'mon up."
AGENCY REP,Why were you taking him to the dentist?,JERRY,"Um, well, his false teeth got mangled up in the garbage disposal--"
AGENCY REP,What were his false teeth doing in the garbage disposal?,JERRY,"Well, after he bit my friend--"
TIM,What the *Hell* is going on here? How do you *lose* a human being?!,JERRY,"I, I'm sorry."
TIM,And who were these other people. What were they doing in the apartment!?,JERRY,"Well, I brought them up there to take his records--"
KRAMER,Hey.,JERRY,There you are. Did you find him?
SIDRA,"Oh, hi Jerry.",JERRY,"Hi, Sidra. I usually last about ten minutes on a Stairmaster. Unless of course there's someone stretching in front of me in a leotard, then I can go an hour."
SIDRA (amused),Really.,JERRY,"Oh, yeah. That's why they call it a Stairmaster. You get up there and you stare."
SIDRA (stepping off),"Well, I'm done. I think I'm gonna go take a sauna.",JERRY,"Alright, I'll see you Thursday night, right?"
SIDRA,Thursday night.,JERRY,Alright.
ELAINE,That's a pretty girl.,JERRY,Tremendous girl.
ELAINE,She's the one you went out with last night?,JERRY,Yeah. I really like her.
ELAINE,"You know, uh...they're fake.",JERRY,What? Don't say that!
ELAINE,Nah! They're fake!,JERRY,How do you know?
ELAINE,I can tell. You know how you're always bragging how you can spot a lesbian?,JERRY,"I'm not bragging, I happen to have a very keen lesbian eye. (A woman walks by Jerry and Elaine.) Hi, how ya doin.' (Jerry jerks a thumb at the woman to confirm his talent. Elaine is skeptical.)"
ELAINE,"Oh, right. C'mon, don't you think they seem a bit too perfect?",JERRY,"Yes, they do!"
ELAINE,I never knew you were so into breasts. I thought you were a leg man.,JERRY,A leg man? Why would I be a leg man? I don't need legs. I have legs. Have you ever seen her naked in the locker room?
ELAINE,No.,JERRY,"Oh, well, then I can't accept your testimony. Maybe if you had seen her naked."
ELAINE,I don't want to see her naked.,JERRY,"Well, I do."
ELAINE,"Well, that's your problem.",JERRY,"Look, you made the allegation. The least you could do is follow up."
ELAINE,"Jerry, what am I gonna do? I'm gonna go in there and spy on her in the sauna?",JERRY,Yes! Go in there! Do a little investigative journalism. I need to know!
ELAINE,But a few more dates and you can find out for yourself!,JERRY,"Don't be so sure. Look at George - he's on his ninth date with Betsy, he still hasn't gotten anywhere with her."
ELAINE,What's his problem?,JERRY,"Well, every time he tries to make a move, something screws up. Like on their last date, they were on the couch, but she was sitting on his wrong side."
ELAINE,Wrong side?,JERRY,"Yeah, she was on his right side. He can't make a move with his left hand. Can't go left."
ELAINE,He can't go left.,JERRY,"No! I'm lefty, can't go right. What about women? Do they go left or right?"
BETSY,"So, when's the funeral? Well, Aunt Clarice was so ill, I guess it was really a blessing. (George, on the couch behind Betsy, is impatiently waiting for her to get off the phone so he can continue putting the moves on her. He shrugs, and crosses himself.) Yeah, I'll fly home as soon as I can. (George waves goodbye, and mimics a plane flying through the air with his hand.) O.k. You, too. Get some sleep. (Betsy looks at George, and he manufactures a completely phony look of sorrow.)",JERRY,You're sure?
ELAINE,Positive! This chick's playin' with confederate money.,JERRY,"Well then, that's it. That's the end of that."
ELAINE,What? Just 'cause of that?,JERRY,Just 'cause of that? It's like finding out Mickey Mantle corked his bat!
ELAINE,"Oh, come on! You've dated women with nosejobs, what's the difference?",JERRY,"You don't touch the nose! You don't aspire to reach the nose. You don't unhook anything to get to a nose, and no man has ever tried to look up a woman's nostril."
ELAINE,"You've put a lot of thought into this, haven't you?",JERRY,"Well, I take it very seriously."
KRAMER,Hey.,JERRY,"Hey. You know, I do kinda wonder what fake breast feel like."
KRAMER,"Well, I know what they feel like.",JERRY,You? How do you know?
KRAMER,"I do! I just miss the warm weather, y'know? Jeez. Oh man, I wish I could get away.",JERRY,Real busy now down at the office?
GEORGE,I know what the problem is - I like her too much. That's why I can't make a move.,JERRY,You put her on a pedestal.
KRAMER,I put them on a dental chair.,JERRY,He puts 'em on a dental chair.
GEORGE,That's funny. You're a funny guy.,JERRY,"Yeah, funny. Yeah, I never heard that before. (To George) So, you goin' to the funeral?"
GEORGE,"Why, you think I should?",JERRY,"What, are you kidding? It's a golden opportunity to advance the relationship. She's crying, you put your arm around her and console her...you're the consolation guy!"
KRAMER,Consolation Guy is big.,JERRY,Her aunt dying is the best thing that ever happened to you.
KRAMER,It's like ten dates in one shot.,JERRY,This confers upon you instant boyfriend status. The family's there...you're taking care of things...you're gettin' the sandwiches...you're the rock!
ELAINE,"So anyway, I stood up to shake her hand, then suddenly I lost my balance and I fell right into her.",JERRY,You fell on her?
ELAINE,I touched 'em.,JERRY,You what?
ELAINE,I...touched...'em.,JERRY,You touched 'em?!
ELAINE,"I needed them to help me break my fall! If it hadn't been for them, I could have really injured myself!",JERRY,Wow.
ELAINE,Anyway...they're real.,JERRY,Excuse me?!
ELAINE,I think they might be real.,JERRY,"Oh, what do you know, you have no breast touching experience."
ELAINE,I've touched mine!,JERRY,So have I.
ELAINE,"Oh, right...I forgot. (smiles)",JERRY,"Anyway, touching two breasts doesn't make you an expert."
ELAINE,"Alright, well anyway, I think they're real. And if they are, I must say they are...spectacular.",JERRY,"Aw, what are you doin' to me? (puts his head down on the counter.)"
CLERK,Yes.,JERRY,"I don't know, one minute you say they're fake, the next minute you think they're real...I don't know what to believe!"
ELAINE,"Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only one who's touched 'em.",JERRY,"But you were just grabbing on to them to save your life. If you were drowning and I threw you a life preserver, you think you could tell me if it was an inflatable?"
ELAINE,I wouldn't have said anything if I knew you were going to stop seeing her!,JERRY,"Well, I don't mind someone with a phony personality, but I gotta draw the line somewhere."
KRAMER,Hey!,JERRY,Hey. George off to Detroit?
KRAMER,Pffft - wrong.,JERRY,There's Sidra.
KRAMER,There's Salman.,JERRY,Where?
KRAMER,Talkin' to that woman.,JERRY,Talkin' to Sidra?
KRAMER,"If that's Sidra, she's talkin' to Salman.",JERRY,I don't think that's Salman.
KRAMER,"Well, I don't think they're real.",JERRY,"If that's Rushdie, they're real."
KRAMER,"If they're real, that's Rushdie.",JERRY,"Well, I gotta know - I'm talkin' to Sidra."
KRAMER,C'mon Jerry!,JERRY,"Oh, how can you be so sure?"
KRAMER,"Jerry, are you blind? He's a writer. He said his name was Sal Bass. Bass, Jerry! Instead of salmon, he went with bass! He just substituted one fish for another!",JERRY,"Look, you idiot, first of all, it's Salman, not salmon!"
KRAMER,"Jerry, Jerry, you're missing the big picture!",JERRY,"Alright, maybe it is, but listen, I gotta get ready - Sidra's coming over in a few minutes, so if you don't mind..."
KRAMER,"What, did you ask her?",JERRY,I'm gonna find out tonight.
SIDRA,"I don't know what I'm doing here, I must be crazy. (Moves to the couch and sits on the left side. Jerry tries to run over and beat her to it, but doesn't make it. He sits down on the right side.)",JERRY,"Hey, would you mind switching seats?"
SIDRA,Why?,JERRY,"Oh, I don't know...I just like sitting to the left of people, makes me feel like I'm driving."
SIDRA,O.K....(they switch places.),JERRY,How ya doin'?
SIDRA,Good. How you doin'?,JERRY,"Good, feel good...you know that Jayne Mansfield had some big breasts. Really big, huge...just coming out the top of her dress, they were like, chokin' her."
SIDRA,I hear that's how she died.,JERRY,"Have you noticed that women today are, you know, they seem...bigger."
SIDRA,"Well, a lot of women are having them done.",JERRY,Really?
SIDRA,Yeah.,JERRY,How do you like that.
SIDRA,A lot of people ask me if I've had mine done.,JERRY,"Aw, you know people."
SIDRA,"It gets a little tiring, it's really none of their business.",JERRY,"Oh, the nerve. You know, some people have asked me if you've uh, done that."
SIDRA,What do you tell them?,JERRY,Whatever you want me to tell them.
SIDRA,"Well, I think you'll find out soon enough. (They prepare to kiss. There's a loud bang on the door.) Aren't you going to get that?",JERRY,No.
SIDRA,What if it's an emergency?,JERRY,"Oh, there's no emergency..."
KRAMER (in hallway),"Jerry! C'mon, it's an emergency!",JERRY,"Excuse me. (Gets up and answers the door.) Alright, what is it? You're interrupting!"
KRAMER,"Well, you know, I'm packing for Puerto Rico, I need to borrow your bathing suit.",JERRY,This is an emergency? You need a bathing suit?
KRAMER,"Well, I like yours.",JERRY,"I don't know, my bathing suit? That's a little familiar, I don't want your...your boys down there."
KRAMER,"C'mon, what's wrong with my boys?",JERRY,Your boys should stay in their neighborhood.
KRAMER,"Alright, c'mon!",JERRY,Alright. It's in the top drawer. Hurry up. (Kramer goes to get the suit. Elaine enters.)
ELAINE,"Hi, Jer.",JERRY,"Oh, hi, Elaine."
KRAMER,"Yeah, she was just showing me pictures of places I can visit when I go to Puerto Rico...you know, when you two went down there?",JERRY,"Oh. yeah. Alright. (pushes Kramer and Elaine out the door, then sits next to Sidra on the couch.) So, where were we?"
SIDRA,I was just leaving.,JERRY,"Right, you were leaving."
SIDRA,I can't believe you sent a woman into the sauna to do that.,JERRY,That was an accident!
GEORGE,"Not even close, huh?",JERRY,"You can't just *have* an adultery-- you *commit* adultery. And you can't even *commit* adultery unless you already *have* a commitment. So you have to make the commitment before you can even think about committing it. There's no commit without the commit. Then, once you commit, then you can commit the adultery. Then you can get caught, get divorced, lose your mind and they have you committed. But y'know some people actually *cheat* on the people that they're cheating with. Which is like, y'know, being in a hold up and then turning to the robber next to you and goin' Alright, gimme everything you have, too''."
GEORGE,You met her at the supermarket? How did you do that?,JERRY,(flips a roll of paper towels in the air) Produce section. *Very* provocative area. A lot of melons and shapes. Everyone's squeezing and smelling... It just happened.
GEORGE,(laughs-hu) So when're you gonna see her?,JERRY,Tonight.
GEORGE,What's her name?,JERRY,I... don't... know...
GEORGE,How could you not know her name?,JERRY,"I was a little nervous, I got distracted. It has something to do with a car, or a fish..."
GEORGE,"Oh my God, I forgot to tell you. I got a letter today from the State Controller's Office. Y'know when I was going to public school back in Brooklyn, every week I used to put fifty cents in the Lincoln Savings Bank.",JERRY,"Yeah, I did that too."
GEORGE,"Yeah, You remember the, the little eh, bank book, there?",JERRY,Sure.
GEORGE,"Alright, so I haven't put anything in it since sixth grade, I completely forgot about it. The State Controller's Office tracks me down. The interest has accumulated to 1,900 dollars. 1,900 dollars! They're sending me a cheque!",JERRY,Wow!
GEORGE,"Hu-Yeah, interest. It's an amazing thing. You make money without doing anything...",JERRY,Y'know I have some friends who try and base their whole life on that principle.
GEORGE,Really? Who?,JERRY,Nobody you know...
GEORGE,Maybe I'll go down to the track. Put it all on a horse...,JERRY,Why don't you put it in the *bank*?
GEORGE,The *bank*? This is *found* money. I want to *parlay* it. I wanna make a big score!,JERRY,"*Oh*, you mean you wanna *lose* it..."
KRAMER,"Yeah... All right....Ya got it, eh.",JERRY,Yes I did.
KRAMER,"The whole apartment. And I'm buying that fake wood wallpaper. I'm gonna surround myself in wood. It's gonna be like a log cabin. 'Cuz I *need* wood around me. Wood, Jerry [Snaps fingers]... Wood.",JERRY,Wood is good.
KRAMER,Definitely.,JERRY,So we're still going to the health club to play racquetball right?
KRAMER,"Yeah, yeah, whenever you're ready.",JERRY,"O.K., soon as Elaine gets here."
KRAMER,Yep.,JERRY,"What, you rented ""Home Alone""?"
GEORGE,Yeah.,JERRY,I thought you saw that already...
GEORGE,"No, I saw ""Home Alone II"".",JERRY,"Oh, right... But you *hated* it!"
GEORGE,"Well I was lost, I never saw the first one. By the way, you mind if I watch it here?",JERRY,What for?
GEORGE,"Because if I watch it at my apartment I feel like I'm not doing anything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the house; I'm doing something.",JERRY,All right.. Go ahead.
ELAINE,"(on the intercom) It's me, are you ready to go?",JERRY,No. Come on up.
KRAMER,I can't work with these!,JERRY,What's wrong?
KRAMER,"Well, you bought me dishwashing gloves. There's no *fine touch*...",JERRY,"You said ""gloves""..."
ELAINE,Hello.,JERRY,"(to Kramer) Hey (snaps fingers) get your stuff, let's get going."
ELAINE,"Well wait a minute, there's a slight change of plans.",JERRY,What?
ELAINE,"eh, Remember Roy, the artist?",JERRY,"Oh, the ""triangle"" guy."
ELAINE,"Yeah, exactly, the ""triangle"" guy.",JERRY,"Yeah, you liked him. What happened with him?"
ELAINE,"Yeah I did. He was very talented. He was, ah just, I don't know a little too...",JERRY,Artsy?
ELAINE,Fat.,JERRY,Oh. (unh - very quiet sigh)
ELAINE,"He was a fat, starving artist, y'know. That's very rare.",JERRY,Yeah.
ELAINE,"Anyway, he's in the hospital, he's having surgery and I feel like should go visit him.",JERRY,What's wrong with him?
KRAMER,"Yeah. (putting hand to his mouth, hatching a thought)",JERRY,All right we'll wait for you.
ELAINE,"Listen, Jerry can you do me a favor? (clears throat) Could you, go into the room with me to visit him because ah, I don't want him to think that I'm, y'know... interested.",JERRY,"Oh, you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend."
ELAINE,Well...,JERRY,Well I think I can do that. I believe I've played that role before to some critical acclaim.
KRAMER,"All right, lets go.",JERRY,All right (picks up his sports bag)
ELAINE,What's with him?,JERRY,Y'know a lot of people have asked that...
ROY,Thank you.,JERRY,"Jerry, uh, I'm the boyfriend. (puts his arm around Elaine's shoulder, but she shrugs it off twice)"
ELAINE,"Jerry, did you hear this? He couldn't eat for weeks...",JERRY,That's terrible...
ROY,You did.,JERRY,You know I can't get this *damn thing* to sleep. (about the Yo-Yo)
ELAINE,"Okay, I'll tell you what. How about on Friday I take you out for a *big* meal because *you* are getting *too* thin...",JERRY,Honey... Aren't we going to the Poconos next Friday?
ELAINE,No that's the week after.,JERRY,"No, I believe it's next week."
ELAINE,You're wrong.,JERRY,No I'm not...
ROY,"Oh, hey Dr. Siegel.",JERRY,"Hey Doc, check this out. [does an around-the-world with the Yo-Yo]"
KRAMER,Heey.,JERRY,I *just* learned that. (proudly holding the Yo-Yo)
KRAMER,"I'd love to watch the operation, yeah!",JERRY,I dunno...
KRAMER,"Oh, come on Jerry. You gotta see the operation. They're gonna cut him open -- His guts'll be all over the place...",JERRY,"Yeah, that's true..."
GEORGE,Ttu (wipes nose and sniffs) Ttu.,JERRY,Hey.
GEORGE,Hi...,JERRY,"What are doing, you crying??"
GEORGE,No... (takes off his glasses and wipes his eyes with his sleeve),JERRY,"You crying from ""Home Alone""??"
GEORGE,The old man got to me.,JERRY,"Alright, just get yourself together... I dunno if I can be friends with you anymore after this display."
GEORGE,"Oh Shut up! What are you doing back so soon, anyway? (puts the tape back in it's case.)",JERRY,"Oh, I never even got to the gym. Kramer got the gloves, wanted to come home and start working on his floor."
GEORGE,Oh. How's the guy?,JERRY,"Oh, he's okay. In fact him and Elaine are getting ah, pretty chummy. Now Elaine wants me to buy some of his art. (opens the fridge and gets a bottle of water.)"
GEORGE,Hnh. That's nerve...,JERRY,"Yeah, so she and ""Triangle Boy"" can go out to fancy restaurants. (takes a sip of water)"
GEORGE,"Y'know what it is? It's ""Clara Nightingale Syndrome."" He falls ill; she falls in love.",JERRY,You mean Florence Nightingale. **
GEORGE,What'd I say? Clara?,JERRY,"Yeah, you must have meant Clara Barton. **"
GEORGE,Clara Barton? What did she do?,JERRY,"I'm not sure, but I think she was nice. (takes a sip of water)"
(** Footnote,see short bio at end of script **),JERRY,"Yeah, I think you would."
GEORGE,"So, you gonna buy his art?",JERRY,"No. Why don't you buy it? You got 1,900 dollars."
GEORGE,"Yeah, that's what I want-- triangles. Alright, I'm outta here. Have fun with what's-her-name.",JERRY,I will.
GEORGE,"Y'know, now you gotta ask her her name. It's so embarrassing.",JERRY,"No, it isn't. I can find out."
GEORGE,Yeah? How?,JERRY,There are ways.
WOMAN,"""Seinsmelled""?",JERRY,Yeah. a-hu. What about you? Did people make fun of your name?
WOMAN,"Oh, oh Jerry...",JERRY,Oh... *you*...
GEORGE,"Now let's try ""breast""... Celeste... Kest...",JERRY,No.
GEORGE,Rest... Sest... Hest...,JERRY,"""Hest""? That's not a name."
GEORGE,"What, you should've just asked her.",JERRY,"I know, I should've asked her."
GEORGE,What're you gonna do now?,JERRY,"I dunno. I can't ask her now; I've already made out with her. Once you make out with a woman, you can't ask her her name."
GEORGE,Aretha! (points finger at Jerry),JERRY,No...
GEORGE,Bovary! (points finger again at Jerry),JERRY,"Alright, that's enough. (sips coffee)"
GEORGE,"Alright, well you know what'cha gotta do, you gotta go through her purse. Y'know, the-the credit cards, driver's license...",JERRY,How am I gonna do that?
KRAMER,"Ah, (smacks hands) there you are. My date stood me up. Listen, will you guys go to the operation with me?",JERRY,You asked a date to go to the operation?
GEORGE,Mulva! (again pointing finger at Jerry -- Kramer watches the exchange back and forth),JERRY,Mulva? (waves off George with his hand)
KRAMER,"C'mon, C'mon. You wanna go? (pats Jerry a couple times on the shoulder quietly) C'mon. Yeah, yeah, yeah.",JERRY,"Alright, alright. Just let me finish my coffee... then we'll watch 'em go slice this fat bastard up. (sips coffee)"
DOCTOR,"Now we'll open the peritoneal cavity, exposing the body's internal organs. Nurse-- retractor.",JERRY,What are you eating?
KRAMER,Junior Mints. Do you want one?,JERRY,No...
KRAMER,Y-ea (pours a few more Junior Mints into his hand and eats them),JERRY,Where'd you get those?
KRAMER,The machine. You want one?,JERRY,No.
KRAMER,"Here, take one.",JERRY,I don't want one.
KRAMER,"No, they're good! Take one..",JERRY,I don't want any!
KRAMER,Just take one.,JERRY,"No! Stop it! Kramer, stop it!"
"[As they struggle to force the Junior Mint on each other, Jerry pushes Kramers' hand away and -- in slow motion with the sound of a beating heart to emphasize the event -- The Junior Mint is launched into the air towards the operating table and, well, in a word","""Bingo"" -- with a small ""splat"" sound -- falls into Roy, the patient. The surgical team looks around puzzled as to what just happened -- but they continue on with the operation)",JERRY,(pointing at the operation he mouths the words) Did it go in?
KRAMER,Ge--,JERRY,"...Over the balcony, bounced off some respirator thing *into* the patient!"
GEORGE,"What do you mean ""into the patient""?",JERRY,"Into the patient, *literally*!"
GEORGE,Into the hole?,JERRY,"Yes, the hole!"
GEORGE,Didn't they notice it?,JERRY,No!
GEORGE,How could they not notice it?!?,JERRY,Because it's a little mint. It's a *Junior* Mint.
GEORGE,W-ca-What did they do?,JERRY,They sealed him up with the mint inside.
GEORGE,They *left* the Junior Mint *in* him?,JERRY,Yes!
GEORGE,I-I guess it can't hurt him... People eat *pounds* of those things.,JERRY,Yes they *eat* them. They don't put them next to vital organs in their abdominal cavity!
KRAMER,Hey. This wallpaper is *very* good. My place looks like a ski lodge!,JERRY,Why did you force that mint on me? I told ya I didn't want the mint!
KRAMER,"Well, I didn't believe you.",JERRY,How could you not believe me?!?
KRAMER,"Well who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint-- it's *delicious*!",JERRY,That's true.
KRAMER,It's very refreshing!,JERRY,"Well, just don't say anything about this to Elaine..."
ELAINE,Prognosis... negative.,JERRY,Prognosis *negative*!?
GEORGE,"Y'know if the guy dies, the art could really be worth something...",JERRY,We gotta confess.
KRAMER,Really?,JERRY,Yes!
KRAMER,We could be tried for murder...,JERRY,I can't have this on my conscience. We're like Leopold and Loeb! **
KRAMER,"You're not gonna say anything, you got that?",JERRY,I'm telling and you can't stop me!
GEORGE,"Hey Elaine? Put me down for some of that art. 1,900 dollars worth.",JERRY,"Oh yeah, that's the spot..."
WOMAN,What're you so tense about?,JERRY,"Oh, nothing really, just a homicide. [She finds the right spot on his back] Oh that's terrific... Mulva."
WOMAN,What?,JERRY,Mulva?
WOMAN,Mulva?,JERRY,"Oh my eh, my Aunt's name is Mulva. She's-she's a masseuse."
WOMAN,huh.,JERRY,Yeah.
WOMAN,"Um, I'm going to the bathroom. I'll be right back.",JERRY,"Oh, good idea..."
WOMAN,What are you doing?,JERRY,"Oh, I was just looking for er, some... gum or... mint."
WOMAN,"Oh, I have Junior Mints.",JERRY,"No! [throws her purse back at her] No, I mean, no thank you, nah..."
KRAMER,Any news?,JERRY,"[whispering] No, no news. You better get out of here."
KRAMER,Oh.,JERRY,"Oh No, wait a second... Wait a second... I-I don't know the name of this woman in the bathroom, so when she comes out, you introduce yourself and then she'll be forced to say her name."
KRAMER,10-4.,JERRY,O.K. (closes the apartment door)
WOMAN,"Well, I better get going. I don't want to be late for the play. (Grabs her coat.)",JERRY,"Oh, okay."
WOMAN,Y'know my cousin knows the producer. I may get to go backstage and meet Olympia Dukakis.,JERRY,"Oh, Hey, there's a name you don't forget."
WOMAN,Mm. Bye Jerry.,JERRY,Bye.
GEORGE,"Yeahaha, I gave it a shot (pats Jerry on the arm)... So, any word on the ""artiste""? (puts a video in the VCR)",JERRY,"No, I haven't heard anything."
GEORGE,"Hehe. Well, I got my triangles. (sitting on the couch)",JERRY,Really...
GEORGE,"Yup, y'know, they really spruce up the apartment.",JERRY,"Yeah, I'm sure..."
GEORGE,No-no Jerry. I wouldn't do that.,JERRY,Why?
GEORGE,"Ehh, You could get in trouble.",JERRY,"Look, I gotta try and help the guy."
GEORGE,"Who are you to play God!? Every man's time comes! If his number is up, who are you to interfere!?",JERRY,Yes I'd like to speak with Dr. Siegel... it's about Roy Kordic's condition...
GEORGE,W-What? What?,JERRY,"Oh, that's *fantastic*!"
GEORGE,"He didn't get better, did he?",JERRY,Thank you very much. O.K. Bye-bye. He's gonna be okay!
KRAMER,"Awe, alright",JERRY,That's nice.
DOCTOR,"Y'know... I don't want to totally discount the emotional element in your recovery but, I think there were other factors at play here.",JERRY,What do you mean?
ELAINE,"Uh-m, uh I'm so sorry Roy, but actually, we are going to the, Poconos on Friday, right honey? (pointing to Jerrythe boyfriend?)",JERRY,I don't think so...
ELAINE,"We are... that means that we ah, we are...",JERRY,I believe we're not...
ELAINE,"(Catching another glimpse of Roy eating) Hunh, Please can we go to the Poconos?",JERRY,"Well, I'll think about it..."
WOMAN,Great seats. You could see the actors spitting.,JERRY,Really...
WOMAN,Uh-huh. And afterwards we went backstage and Olympia Dukakis autographed my playbill.,JERRY,"Oh, Wait a second, you got her autograph?"
WOMAN,Yeah.,JERRY,Do you have it with you?
WOMAN,"Yeah, it's in my purse.",JERRY,"Ah, Le'me see. (hands Jerry the playbill)"
WOMAN,I had it autographed for my uncle.,JERRY,"Yeah, I-I know..."
WOMAN,"(licks he lips) You don't know my name, do you?",JERRY,Yes I do.
WOMAN,What is it?,JERRY,It-it rhymes with a female body part.
WOMAN,What is it?,JERRY,Mulva...
ELAINE,"Oh, could you please hurry?",JERRY,"[mockingly] ""Please hurry"". Look at you. Look at what you've become."
ELAINE,"What? What have I become? I haven't ""become"" anything...",JERRY,"Oh, *Carl* can't wait a few more minutes?"
ELAINE,I don't want to keep him waiting...,JERRY,He'll like you more...
HUSBAND,Leave me alone.,JERRY,"Yeah, I'm wanting to get married *real* soon..."
ELAINE,His place...,JERRY,This guy's got quite a racket. I take you to dinner and then drop you off at his apartment...
ELAINE,*And* he gets the rest of my chicken...,JERRY,"So, is tonight ""the night""?"
ELAINE,You never know...,JERRY,Oooh! Bay-bee *doll*!
ELAINE,"Do I smell something? What am I, hard of smelling? Of *course* I smell something.",JERRY,What is it?
ELAINE,I think it's B.O.!,JERRY,What?
ELAINE,It's B.O. The *valet* must have had B.O.,JERRY,It *can't* be. Nobody has B.O. like this.
ELAINE,Jerry. It's *B*.*O*.,JERRY,But the whole car smells.
ELAINE,So?,JERRY,"So when somebody has B.O., the ""O"" usually stays with the ""B"". Once the ""B"" leaves, the ""O"" goes with it."
GEORGE,I'm not giving you the satisfaction. I'm gonna watch it again...,JERRY,"So, this morning I go down to the garage to check the car out. I figure by this time, the odour molecules have had at least twelve hours to de-smellify. I open the car door, like a *punch* in the *face*, the stench hits me-- it's almost as if it had *gained* strength throughout the night..."
ELAINE,Y'know I can think of at *least* six known offensive odours that I would *rather* smell than what's livin' in your car.,JERRY,What about skunk?
ELAINE,I don't mind skunk.,JERRY,Horse manure?
ELAINE,I *loooove* horse manure.,JERRY,"Well, I've never seen anything like this in my life. In fact, I went to the car wash, they want 250 dollars to detail it, and get the smell out. I'm not payin' for that. That's not my responsibility. In fact, I'm drivin' up to that restaurant now, and *demand* they pay for it."
ELAINE,"Listen, lemme ask you something. When you're with a guy, and he tells you he has to get up early, what does that mean?",JERRY,It means he's lying.
ELAINE,Wow...,JERRY,Why? Is that what he told you?
ELAINE,"Yeah, last night. Oh, come on... Men *have* to get up early some time...",JERRY,No. Never.
ELAINE,Jerry! I'm *sure* I've seen men on the street early in the morning.,JERRY,"Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will *always* trade sleep for sex."
ELAINE,Is it possible I'm not as attractive as I think I am?,JERRY,Anything's *possible*...
KRAMER,Steinbrenner! He's ruinin' my life...,JERRY,"Oh yeah, Steinbrenner..."
KRAMER,"I don't think I can take another season with him, Jerry. He'll just trade away their best young prospects, just like he did with Beuner, McGee, Drabek... McGriff...",JERRY,I know the list...
KRAMER,What's that smell?,JERRY,What smell?
KRAMER,Ooooh... You stink.,JERRY,Whatd'ya mean I stink?
KRAMER,You *stink*. Why don't you go take a shower?,JERRY,"I showered! Oh, wait a second... Since I showered, I've been in the car!"
ELAINE,So?,JERRY,Don't you see what's happening here? It's attached itself to me! It's alive!
KRAMER,What happened?,JERRY,What happened? My car *stinks* is what happened. And it's destroying the lives of everyone in it's path.
GEORGE,What is that? B.O.?,JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,This is *unbelievable* B.O.,JERRY,"I know... I was at the car wash this morning and the guy told me in his 38 years in the business, he's never smelled anything like it."
GEORGE,"So, let me ask you. Do you think I could have done this?",JERRY,"No, no. It's the valet guy."
GEORGE,"No, no, I mean, driving Susan to lesbianism.",JERRY,"Oh... No, that's ridiculous."
GEORGE,What if her experience with me *drove* her to it?,JERRY,"Suicide, maybe, not lesbianism."
GEORGE,"Oh, this isn't even B.O.! This is *beyond* B.O.! It's *B*.B.O.!",JERRY,"There should be a B.O. squad that patrols the city like a ""Smell Gestapo"". To sniff 'em out, strip 'em down, and wash them with a big, soapy brush..."
GEORGE,"Y'know, the funny thing is, somehow I find her more appealing now... It's like if I knew she was a lesbian when we went out, I never would've broken up with her.",JERRY,Lemme see if I understand this... On second thought...
RESTAURATEUR,"What do you mean-- ""stunk up""?",JERRY,"I mean the car *stinks*! George, does the car stink?"
GEORGE,Stinks.,JERRY,Stinks!
RESTAURATEUR,"Well, perhaps *you're* the one who has the odour...",JERRY,"Hey, I've never smelled in my *life*, buddy!"
RESTAURATEUR,"Really? Well, I smell you now.",JERRY,That's from the car!
GEORGE,"Oh, it's the chicken and the egg...",JERRY,"Thank you very much... Well, then go out and smell the car; see which smells worse."
GEORGE,Forget about smelling the car. Smell the valet. Go to the source...,JERRY,You've gotta smell the car
RESTAURATEUR,I'm a busy man,JERRY,C'mon! One whiff!
RESTAURATEUR,Alright! I give up! I admit it! It stinks! Now will you let me out!,JERRY,"Alright, will you pay for the cleaning?"
CAR WASHER,"We spray everything with Ozium-D, let it de-ionise, vacuum the spray out with a de-ionising machine. Hit it with high-pressure compressed air, and wet-dry vac it to extract the remaining liquids. We top it off with one of our seven air-fresheners, in your case, I would recommend the Jasmine, or the Potpourri.",JERRY,Let's do it.
ELAINE,Tomato Sauce?,JERRY,Wait a minute! It still smells! It still smells!
CARL,It still smells.,JERRY,It still smells!
GEORGE,How could it still smell after all that?,JERRY,I don't know!
GEORGE,"Well, what are you gonna do?",JERRY,"I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm selling that car!"
GEORGE,You're *selling* the car!?,JERRY,You don't understand what I'm up against. This is a force more powerful than anything you can imagine. Even *Superman* would be helpless against this kind of stench. And I'll take anything I can get for it.
GEORGE,Maybe I'll buy it.,JERRY,Are you crazy? Don't you understand what I'm saying to you? This is not just an odour-- you need a *priest* to get rid of this thing!
ELAINE,I still smell!,JERRY,You see! You see what I'm saying to you? It's a presence! It's the beast!
SUSAN,"Kramer! Kramer! Kramer, open up, I know you're in there!",JERRY,Susan!
SUSAN,Kramer!,JERRY,What is going on?
GEORGE,"Amazing. I drive them to lesbianism, he brings 'em back.",JERRY,That's the *least* of what you've accomplished...
SALESMAN,What year did you say this was?,JERRY,'90.
KRAMER,"Anyway, we were on the couch, I move to hug her, next thing she tells me she's leaving; she's got to get up early.",JERRY,That's strange...
SALESMAN,How many miles you got on this thing?,JERRY,23 000.
KRAMER,"And I was looking good, too. I had a nice, new shirt on, I'm wearing *your* jacket...",JERRY,Wait a second... My jacket! I wore that in the car! The Beast!
SALESMAN,I can't sell this car.,JERRY,This... **thing**... has got to be stopped!
ELAINE,Sauce me.,JERRY,"I have a friend who is about to get married, they're having the bachelor party and the bridal shower on the same day... So it's conceivable that while she's getting the lingerie, he'd be at a nude bar watching a table dancer wearing the same outfit. That is possible. But to me, the difference between being single and being married, is the form of government. You see, when you're single, you are the dictator of your own life. I have complete power. I can give the order to fall asleep on the sofa with the TV on in the middle of the day, no-one can overrule me! When you're married, you're part of a vast decision-making body. Before anything gets done there are meetings. Committees have to study the situation. And this is if the marriage works. That's what's so painful about divorce you get impeached and you're not even the president!"
ELAINE,"Hey, how are we gettin' to Scott Drake's party on Saturday night?",JERRY,"Oh, Drake's party, I forgot to buy a present."
GEORGE,"It never ends, this present stuff! Engagement present! Then they get married, you gonna have to get them something for that! Then the baby, there's another present. Then the baby starts getting their presents. I don't even like Drake.",JERRY,You don't like the Drake?
ELAINE,I *love* the Drake.,JERRY,How could you not like the Drake?
ELAINE,"""Who's the Drake""?",JERRY,The Drake is good!
GEORGE,I haven't even met the fiancee! Whatever! (Leaves for washroom),JERRY,"Elaine, look. I drew this triangle free-hand. It's a doodle. It's perfect!"
ELAINE,So what? That's easy.,JERRY,Easy?
KRAMER,"Uh, no, no, not yet.",JERRY,Do you like the Drake?
KRAMER,(Looking at Jerry's doodle) That's a nice triangle...,JERRY,It's Isosceles
ELAINE,"Hey, you know what, maybe we should all chip in for the gift.",JERRY,The chip-in!
ELAINE,"Hey, a pretty good idea, huh?",JERRY,Yeah!
KRAMER,"Yeah, the chip-in, defenitely!",JERRY,"You know what, let's go to that mall in Liberal(sp?) before we go to the party. We'll have to take your car, it's got the most room."
KRAMER,"No, no! My car's not running.",JERRY,What about your father's car?
GEORGE,"No, no, no. Out of the question. I was over there today. He's got the good spot in front of the good building in the good neighbourhood. I know he's not gonna wanna move.",JERRY,Are you serious?
GEORGE,"You don't know what that spot means to him. Once he gets it, he doesn't go out for weeks.",JERRY,"How about this, you put your car in the good spot, that'll hold the good spot in front of the good building, and we can get the good car!"
GEORGE,Good thinking!,JERRY,Good to meet you!
ELAINE,So what are we gonna get him?,JERRY,"We could get him anything we wanted, we're chippin' in."
KRAMER,"Yeah, we ought to all get a house and live together.",JERRY,"Yeah, that's a good idea. I'll tell you what chuckles, I give you permission to sublet my room right now."
KRAMER,"Oh, come on, they don't drive!",JERRY,"Yes, they do!"
KRAMER,Have you ever seen a handicapped person pull into a space and park?,JERRY,"Well there's spaces there, they must drive!"
"JERRY, GEORGE, ELAINE",Don't worry. We won't forget!,JERRY,Do you believe the deal we got on this? A big screen TV? At that price?
GEORGE,"What did I get the veggie burger for? You got a veggie burger, so I had to get the veggie burger, I'm allover crums...",JERRY,"No-one's gonna have a better gift than this big screen TV! Good for them, love the Drake!"
ELAINE,Got to *love* the Drake!,JERRY,"Hey, what's going on over here?"
ELAINE,Must have been an accident...,JERRY,"(to a woman) Hey, what's going on?"
WOMAN,"Some jerk parked in a handicap spot, so this woman in a wheelchair had to wheel up this incline, and half way up her batteries gave up, and she rolled backwards into the wall. Taken her to St. Elizabeth's...",JERRY,Is she OK?
WOMAN,I don't know. We're just waiting here for the owner of this car to show up. May not get out alive! Thug! Taking up a handicap spot? He's gonna pay!,JERRY,"Son's of bitches! Good luck finding them... him... whatever. I'd like to stick around and get my hands on him myself, but I gotta take off."
KRAMER,Who would think these people we're gonna be here?,JERRY,I don't know...
GEORGE,Screw the Drake!,JERRY,I love the Drake!
EVERYBODY,Yeah! Yeah!,JERRY,Let's get out of here.
GEORGE,What are we gonna do? How are we gonna get out of here?,JERRY,"The thing is, even if we go back by the car, and there's nobody there, how do we know they're not all hiding, waiting for us?"
ELAINE,"Well, they have to give up some time, they can't stay out there all night?",JERRY,"What are we, John Dillinger? How did this get to be the crime of the century? It's not like we stuck a broomstick in her spokes and she went flying..."
GEORGE,How are we gonna get out of here? We need a plan!,JERRY,I got it! (snaps his fingers) We give the keys to Elaine.
ELAINE,Me?,JERRY,Yeah! You're a woman! Men don't hit a woman!
ELAINE,"Oh, they won't?",JERRY,Not if they don't know you...
KRAMER,No chance in hell!,JERRY,"What if we created some sort of diversion? What if we all went by the car and started screaming ""There he is, there's the guy that took the handicap spot!"" And then, when they all run into the other direction, we'll jump in the car!"
ELAINE,That's good...,JERRY,"That doesn't work, we'll give 'em Kramer!"
KRAMER,Huh?,JERRY,"(as George picks up a broken piece of his car) You know, a lot of these scratches will buff right out..."
ESTELLE,"He's all together crazy, that one! Jerry? I used to think was nice... I don't know what happened to him...",JERRY,"(to the Drake) So it was a good party, huh? Oh... you're welcome, you're welcome... (to Elaine) They loved the TV, *loved* it!"
ELAINE,"Oh, yeah...",JERRY,"(to the Drake) Oh, wait a second, I'll ask her.. that's a great idea. (To Elaine) Drake wants to know if we want to come out to Minneolis this afternoon, since we missed the partly last night, to maybe get something to eat?"
ELAINE,Sure!,JERRY,"(to the Drake) Sure! ... Okay... Don't worry, I'm taking MY car! ... okay... okay, see you later... bye..."
ELAINE,Hmm.. he's so nice! I'm really happy for them.,JERRY,"Yeah. Well, I don't know if I'm happy for them, I mean I'm glad they're happy, but, frankly, that doesn't do anything for me."
GEORGE,It's me.,JERRY,Come on up.
KRAMER,Hey. I just came from St. Elizabeth's.,JERRY,St. Elizabeth's Hospital? Why?
KRAMER,Yeah.,JERRY,"Wow, what happened?"
KRAMER,I'm in love.,JERRY,What?
KRAMER,"Yeah, she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I love her Jerry, I really love her. I'm gonna ask her to marry me. She's got everything I've always wanted in another human being. Except for the walking.",JERRY,"Oh, what's the difference, you don't go out that much."
JERRY and ELAINE,Hey Drake! Hi Drake!,JERRY,"Hey Alison! Hey, there's the TV, Elaine, look at that!"
THE DRAKE,"Oh yeah, yeah... it's fantastic...",JERRY,"I am gonna make good use of this! I'm watching every superbowl here, every big fight...."
ELAINE,"Oh man, there is nothing like a really big TV, huh?",JERRY,So where're we eatin'?
THE DRAKE,... we just broke up...,JERRY,When did this happen?
THE DRAKE,"About 20 minutes ago... Hey, I am really sorry about this guys... whew!",JERRY,(looking at the TV) Look at the picture on this thing...
ELAINE,"Oh, cristal clear!",JERRY,They know how to make 'em...
THE DRAKE,(through his sobbing) Gagliano's... that's pretty good...,JERRY,Well... we should...
ELAINE,Get movin'...,JERRY,"Yeah... Hey, Drake, what ever happens, I am sure it'll be for the best."
ELAINE,Drake gave her the TV?,JERRY,He gave her all the gifts; he felt guilty.
ELAINE,"Well, she can't keep it, it's not fair, that's *our* TV!",JERRY,I know it is!
ELAINE,"Boy, I am really starting to dislike the Drake!",JERRY,I hate the Drake! Maybe the whole thing was a scam. Anybody can just get engaged and get presents and just keep them all. Maybe they're on their way to Chicago tomorrow and do the whole thing all over again.
ELAINE,They don't know anybody in Chicago.,JERRY,"Don't worry, they'll make friends fast with that nice TV."
GEORGE,Hey.,JERRY,"Hey, guess what? The Drake broke up."
GEORGE,Why?,JERRY,We're not gettin' that TV.
ELAINE,"Well, who's gonna call?",JERRY,You are.
ELAINE,What? Why is it me who always has to do these things?,JERRY,Because that's your thing!
ELAINE,"What? Calling people I hardly know, and demanding they return expensive gifts, that's my ""thing""?",JERRY,"Yeah, that's your thing."
ELAINE,"Alright, gimme the phone... it's my ""thing""...",JERRY,"(to George) You know, I'm thinking about getting a yo-yo."
GEORGE,Really?,JERRY,Yeah.
ELAINE,She gave it to charity.,JERRY,Charity?!? That's apalling.
FRANK,George! George!,JERRY,Your father got arrested? For what?
GEORGE,"Parking in a handicap spot. Right in the middle of his United Volunteers meeting. When he got back, he chased after me with a baseball bat.",JERRY,Ho-ly!
GEORGE,"Between the car getting totalled, the towing charge and the fine, there's no way I can ever pay him back...",JERRY,So what are you gonna do?
GEORGE,I agreed to become his butler.,JERRY,What?
KRAMER,It's over!,JERRY,What's over?
KRAMER,"Yeah, she dumped me!",JERRY,She dumped you?
KRAMER,yeah... she says she doesn't wanna see me again. Told me to drop dead!,JERRY,Drop dead?
GEORGE,"Boy, even I never heard that one...",JERRY,She's pretty rough!
GEORGE,"Well, we just blew 240 bucks on a wheelchair.",JERRY,240 bucks?
GEORGE,"Well, it was slightly used...",JERRY,Used?
GEORGE,Will they give us cash?,JERRY,That's their policy.
[setting,night club],JERRY,"To me, the whole concept of fear of success is proof that we are definitely scraping the bottom of the fear barrel. Are we gonna have to have AA-type meetings for these people? They'll go ""Hi, my name is Bill, and the one thing I'm worried about is to have a stereo and a cream-colored couch."" According to most studies, people's number-one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. *Death* is number two! Now, this means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy."
KRAMER,Why can't I play Kramer?,JERRY,Look we've been through this already. You're not an actor!
KRAMER,Neither are you.,JERRY,I know. So why do we need two people in the show that can't act?
KRAMER,"Oh come on Jerry. How hard is it to act. You say something, I'll pretend it's funny.",JERRY,My grandmother's in the hospital.
KRAMER,Ha ha ha. Your grandmother's in the hospital!,JERRY,This is real believable.
KRAMER,What you didn't think I was really laughing?,JERRY,It stinks.
KRAMER,Let me see you do it.,JERRY,Say something funny.
KRAMER,Alright. I've never been to Mars but I imagine it's quite lovely.,JERRY,Ah..........
GEORGE,Why are two pretending to be laughing?,JERRY,We're acting. (they stop laughing)
GEORGE,"Oh, real good. (George makes a face like you stink) Any word from NBC?",JERRY,No.
KRAMER,(to Jerry) Well at least let me audition.,JERRY,(to George) He wants to play Kramer in the Pilot.
[setting,Jerry's],JERRY,Hello? Yeah he's here. (to Kramer) Hey! It's for you.
GEORGE,He's getting phone calls here now? (he's standing near the counter and eating chips out of a big bag),JERRY,(to George) Again with the sweat pants?
GEORGE,What? I'm comfortable.,JERRY,"You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweat pants? You're telling the world ""I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable."" (George is baffled)"
KRAMER,"(to the phone) Hold on a second I got another call. Hello? Yeah, he'll call you back. (Jerry and George look at each other)",JERRY,(to Kramer) Who is it?
KRAMER,That's NBC.,JERRY,NBC!?! Give me the phone!
KRAMER,I'm in the middle of a conversation here.,JERRY,Get off the phone!
KRAMER,"(to the phone) Look, I'll call you back. (hangs up)",JERRY,You know I'm waiting to hear from them. Who was it?
KRAMER,Russell Dalrimple's secretary.,JERRY,"All right. Now you're doing something to help me. (to the phone) Hello yeah it's Jerry Seinfeld returning the call. Uh-huh.. O.K. great thanks a lot. (hangs up)(to George) Casting tomorrow at NBC. 400. We're in business baby, the pilot's on. You're gonna successful. (George looks disappointed)"
[setting,Jerry and George in a cab at a light],JERRY,Where?
GEORGE,Right here. (showing his lip),JERRY,"Get out of here, it's nothing. (Jerry knows George is hypochondriac. See 'The Heart Attack')"
GEORGE,(to Jerry) It's all white Jerry! It's all white!,JERRY,Would you stop?
GEORGE,"Again with the checked out. I'm not going to the doctor. If I don't to the doctor, then nothing will happen to me. If I go he might find something.",JERRY,"If you go, maybe they'll catch it in time."
GEORGE,Catch what in time?,JERRY,Whatever it is.
CABBIE,"Ah! I hate these bums with their filthy rags. No no no, I don't want it, get away, get away from my car (he starts his wipers)",JERRY,(to George) You know these squeegee-- Oh my God! It's crazy Joe Devola.
CASTING DIRECTOR,"O.K. guys, are we ready to start?",JERRY,"Yeah, where is Russell? I thought he was gonna be here."
MARK,Hey how you doing?,JERRY,(thinking) They've gotta be kidding.
ALL,Hi Michael. How you doing?,JERRY,Everything all right?
MELISSA,"It's like a bald convention out there! (she saw George) Sorry. I, uh, made a faux pas.",JERRY,No you didn't. He knows he's bald.
CASTING DIRECTOR,O.K. Shall we start? (Melissa and the casting director sit down),JERRY,"(getting up) Uh, you know what? I'll read with her."
MELISSA,"Oh, great.",JERRY,"Alright, want to start?"
MELISSA,Yeah.,JERRY,O.K.
MELISSA,Ahem. What was that look?,JERRY,What look?
MELISSA,That look you just gave me?,JERRY,I gave a look?
TOM,(to Jerry and very seriously) How you doing?,JERRY,(smiling and surprised at the way Tom is talking) Good.
GEORGE,Very nice,JERRY,Very good
GEORGE,Sure. Thank you for coming in. (Tom eats some raisins),JERRY,(to George) It was a wonderful reading.
STU,"Now, I thought he was really good, very funny.",JERRY,"Yeah, I liked him."
CASTING DIRECTOR,(enters with the real Kramer) This is Martin Van Nostrand.,JERRY,(to Kramer) What are you doing here?
ELAINE,So who's playing Elaine?,JERRY,"Oh, don't worry about it. Very talented, very takented young actress."
ELAINE,Who is it?,JERRY,"She's an eskimo, actually."
ELAINE,"Oh, my God (not in the mood to be kidding)",JERRY,"She came down from Juno by sleigh, she was in the Iditarod. Got to the finish line, just kept going. She's got the dogs with her in the hotel room."
ELAINE,"Listen, was Russell at the casting?",JERRY,"No, he didn't show up."
ELAINE,"You know, I'm a little bit worried about him. I don't understand. We had one date two months ago. Am I that charming and beautiful?",JERRY,No. No you're not.
ELAINE,Why do I keep setting you up?,JERRY,I don't know.
ELAINE,"(to the waitress) Could we get a little more? (she doesn't listen and walks away) Aghh... You know ever since this new owner took over, the service here is *really* slow.",JERRY,Yeah. Have you noticed anything else that's different since the new management?
ELAINE,Mmm. They're putting a little lemon in the tuna. I love that.,JERRY,Beside that. Look at the waitresses.
ELAINE,Yeah? (we see that all the waitresses have big breasts),JERRY,What physical characteristic would you say is common to all of them?
ELAINE,Ah...,JERRY,I mean look at this. Every waitress working here has the same proportions. Wouldn't you say?
ELAINE,"Yes, I would say.",JERRY,What's going on here. How is that possible?
ELAINE,Do you think it's a coincidence?,JERRY,No. I haven't seen four women like this together outside of a Russ Meyer film.
ELAINE,"You know what? That's discriminatory. That is unfair. Why should these women have all the advantages? It's not enough they get all the attention from men, they have to get all the waitress jobs, too?",JERRY,Hey that's life. Good-looking men have the same advantages. You don't see any handsome homeless.
GEORGE,A biopsy!,JERRY,What did he say?
GEORGE,He said he didn't know what it was.,JERRY,Alright. So?
GEORGE,"When I asked him if it was cancer, he didn't give me a ""get outta here"". That's what I wanted to hear ""Cancer? Get outta here?""",JERRY,"Well, maybe he doesn't have a ""get outta here"" kind of personality."
GEORGE,"How could you be a doctor and not say ""get outta here""? It should be part of the training at medical school ""Cancer? Get outta here!"" ""Go home! What are you crazy? It's a little test. It's nothing. You're a real nut. You know that?"" (Jerry gives him half of his sandwich to hopefully shut him up) I told you that God would never let me be successful. I never should've written that pilot. Now the show will be a big hit, we'll make millions of dollars, and I'll be dead. Dead Jerry. Because of this. (showing his lip)",JERRY,Can't you at least die with a little dignity?
GEORGE,No I can't. I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity?,JERRY,Hey. What happened to you yesterday?
GEORGE,You got mugged?,JERRY,Mugged?
KRAMER,"Well, I wouldn't have minded it so much but I was running home to go to the bathroom.",JERRY,Why didn't you use the bathroom in the building?
KRAMER,"It was full. I tried a few other places, you know, but that didn't work. I mean it was an emergency Jerrry. I was really percolating... So I decided to run home through the park and then these two guys they stopped me and...",JERRY,Yeah?
KRAMER,"But now I have a big problem, buddy.",JERRY,What is it?
KRAMER,"Well, I waited so long I-- I missed my chance.",JERRY,You didn't go?
KRAMER,No. And now I can't get it back.,JERRY,The % thing to do is just not think about it.
ELAINE,What's the matter with him?,JERRY,He's a little backed up.
ELAINE,So I spoke to some of my sisters about that coffee shop.,JERRY,"Oh, the sisters (he sits at the table)"
GEORGE,It's a coincidence.,JERRY,This is what you gonna wear?
ELAINE,Yeah.,JERRY,You're not gonna get the job.
ELAINE,Exactly.,JERRY,"(to the phone) Hello. Oh, hi. Yeah I guess we could do that. At what time? All right. I'll see you there. O.K., bye. (hangs up)"
ELAINE,Who was it?,JERRY,TV Elaine. She wants to get together and talk about the part.
ELAINE,What about the dogs?,JERRY,They're having sex in the hotel room.
SANDI,"So, the Elaine character is based on someone you know.",JERRY,Yes.
SANDI,And she's really your ex-girlfriend?,JERRY,"Uh, Huh, yeah."
SANDI,I want to get to know her from the inside. What is she like? Tell me about her.,JERRY,"Well, she's fascinated with Greenland. She enjoys teasing animals, banlon, and seeing people running for their lives. She loves throwing garbage out the window, yet she's extremely dainty."
SANDI,How would she eat a hamburger?,JERRY,With her hands.
SANDI,What about pasta?,JERRY,Also with her hands.
SANDI,Seriously... I want to experience everything she's experienced.,JERRY,Everything?
SANDI,Everything.,JERRY,All right she cuts her pasta with a knife.
SANDI,That's good. What's her favorite movie?,JERRY,Shaft.
SANDI,You got to get me a picture. What about sex?,JERRY,She likes talking during sex.
SANDI,Oh... dirty talking?,JERRY,"No. Just chitchat, movies, current events, regular stuff. You know Sandi-- (looking at his watch)"
SANDI,Elaine.,JERRY,What?
SANDI,Call me Elaine.,JERRY,All right. Elaine.
SANDI,How does Elaine kiss?,JERRY,Well--
SANDI,Does she kiss... like this? (she kisses Jerry),JERRY,"Actually she has a thing where she spirals her tongue around, it's like--"
SANDI,Like this? (kisses again but with the spiral),JERRY,I think you got it.
TOM,What do you mean made up?,JERRY,It's made up. Haagen-Dazs is made up. It's not Danish.
TOM,You're crazy.,JERRY,No I'm not. (to Michael) George. Is Haagen-Dazs Danish?
GEORGE,(to the guy next to him) This guy stinks. (speaking of Michael),JERRY,Danish. Is it from Denmark?
GEORGE,(very casual and raising his hand in the air) Yep. That's five!,JERRY,"George? (walks away to talk privately. George, still casual, taps on Jerry's shoulder) I don't have a lot of experience with this acting stuff. But from what I can gather, they're a little touchy about being told how to say the lines."
GEORGE,Why is that?,JERRY,"I don't know, but they don't seem to like it. By the way how am I doing?"
GEORGE,"Oh, you're fine... you're fine. (looking at Tom in the back and then quieter to Jerry) So you think this guy playing Kramer took the raisins?",JERRY,Why would he steal a box of raisins?
SANDI,What's the matter?,JERRY,Nothing.
SANDI,You're acting weird. Is anything wrong?,JERRY,No.
SANDI,Are you breaking up with me?,JERRY,Are we going out?
SANDI,"You're breaking up with me, aren't you? (almost crying)",JERRY,Do you want me to break up with you?
SANDI,If that's what you want.,JERRY,I don't even know what you're talking about.
SANDI,Fine. Break up with me.,JERRY,All right. We're broken up.
GEORGE,The doc called and said the lab's backed up and now I'm not gonna get the results for another two days.,JERRY,Ah! You're fine. There's nothing wrong with you. I'm the one who's dying.
GEORGE,What do you mean?,JERRY,Because I can't act! I stink! I don't what I'm doing!
GEORGE,Come on you're... uh... you're fine.,JERRY,This show's gonna ruin my entire career. I don't know how I got involved in this.
GEORGE,What about me? I was a total failure. Everything was fine. Now this thing's gonna be a success and God's gonna give me a terminal disease.,JERRY,"This actress playing Elaine, she's out of her mind."
GEORGE,The guy playing Kramer threatened me.,JERRY,Why?
GEORGE,'cause I asked him about the raisins.,JERRY,You mentioned the raisins.
GEORGE,Oh yeah.,JERRY,Did he take 'em?
GEORGE,I don't know.,JERRY,"Well if he didn't take 'em, what happened to 'em?"
GEORGE,That's what I'm trying to find out.,JERRY,Hey.
KRAMER,Hey.,JERRY,Any luck?
KRAMER,"No. No, nothing. I got no... peristalsis.",JERRY,What about bran?
KRAMER,"I tried bran-- 40%, 50% 100%. The bran isn't working for me.",JERRY,"Well my friend, (Jerry puts his hand on Kramer's shoulder) it may be time to consider the dreaded apparatus."
KRAMER,"Pfft! Hold it right there. If you're suggesting what I think you're suggesting, you're wasting your time. I am not Jerry, under any circumstances, doing any inserting in that area.",JERRY,"Oh, it's not that bad!"
ELAINE,Well it's all taken care of. I filed a report. An investigation is underway.,JERRY,"(to Elaine) So, you going to the taping tomorrow night?"
ELAINE,No. I don't think I should go. I really don't wanna bump into Russell. He called me the other day. He won't quit.,JERRY,"Oh, come on you gotta go! He's harmless. He's got a little crush on you."
ELAINE,"Jerry, this is not a crush. This is a complete fixation. he makes me very uncomfortable.",JERRY,We need you there!
ASSISTANT DRESSER,"Sandi, are you in wardrobe? Sandi?",JERRY,Try Elaine.
MICHAEL,I can't remember my lines!!!,JERRY,"Just relax, you'll be fine."
MICHAEL,I can't relax. I don't know what line! I don't know any of 'em!,JERRY,You're just like George. George'd do the same thing. You're just like him. It's amazing!
PAT HAZELL,Are you ready to meet our cast? (crowd applause) All right.,JERRY,"Good evening, folks. How you doing? (small reaction from the crowd) Well, you sound like a great crowd. We have a show we're gonna put on for you tonight. It's a new TV show. It's what they call a pilot. And we hope it becomes a series. It's called 'Jerry', and I'm playing Jerry--"
GEORGE,"Sic semper tyrannis? What is that, Latin?",JERRY,"Yeah, it's what John Wilkes Booth yelled out when he shot Lincoln."
GEORGE,Really? What does it mean?,JERRY,"It means ""Death to tyrants""."
ELAINE,"See, now this is exciting! This is exciting! Did I miss anything already?",JERRY,"No, it starts in five minutes. You were there at the taping, what's the big deal?"
GEORGE,"Yeah, me too.",JERRY,"Hey, what about Russell? Did you hear from him?"
ELAINE,No.,JERRY,Strange. Even not showing up at the taping...
KRAMER,"Hey, pistol-packin mama, you swing that gal around, Allemande left with the old gray hag, around and around you go. Yee-ha!!",JERRY,"Well, well, well."
KRAMER,Wet and wild.,JERRY,All right. Come on sit down. It's about to start.
ELAINE,"Hey, what's this? Look. A wallet.",JERRY,A wallet? Let me see that.
ELAINE,Here.,JERRY,"Ah, man! It's my father's wallet! The one he thought they stole at the doctor's office that time."
GEORGE,Shh! This is it!,JERRY,How do you like that?
MICHAEL,Hey.,JERRY,Hey George.
MICHAEL,New sneakers?,JERRY,Yeah.
MICHAEL,What do you need new sneakers for?,JERRY,I like sneakers.
MICHAEL,How do you make a decision which one to wear? I'd go crazy if I have to decide which sneakers to wear every day.,JERRY,"Nah, you're crazy anyway."
KRAMER,"Come on Jerry, the commercials almost over.",JERRY,All right.
ELAINE,You know Jerry I really like this guy who's playing the butler.,JERRY,Oh yeah. He's good. You know he's John Ritter's cousin.
ELAINE,Really?,JERRY,Yeah.
CHARLES,"Hello. So, where do you want me to start today?",JERRY,Why don't you start in the bedroom?
TOM,Hey.,JERRY,Hey. The butler's here.
TOM,"He is? Listen. When he's finished, send him over to my house.",JERRY,I'm not sending him to your house.
TOM,Why not?,JERRY,"Because the judge decreed he'd become my butler, not my friend's butler."
TOM,"Jerry, he is your butler. You can give him any order you want. That's what butlers do.",JERRY,But I don't want to.
KRAMER,"Jerry, my house is a pigsty, come on.",JERRY,Yeah?
SANDI,(from the buzzer's speaker) It's Elaine.,JERRY,Come on up.
CHARLES,I need more Pledge.,JERRY,More Pledge! I just bought two cans last week and I don't even have any wood in the house!
CHARLES,Hello. (he goes back in the bedroom),JERRY,What's all this about?
SANDI,We had a date.,JERRY,You had a date? You went out with my butler? Who said you could go out with my butler?
SANDI,Why do I need your permission?,JERRY,Because he's my butler!
SAL BASS,You know that Kim Novak has some big breasts?,JERRY,Ever notice a lot of butlers are named Jeeves?
ELAINE,Wow! That was great! That show was so funny. It was really funny. I'm not just saying that cause I know you. Honestly.,JERRY,Let's go out and celebrate! (they all get up)
ELAINE,That was so good.,JERRY,Come on let's eat something. (phone rings)
GEORGE,And God didn't kill me.,JERRY,(to the phone) Hello?
RITA,"Hi Jerry, this is Rita Kierson.",JERRY,"Oh, hi Rita."
RITA,I'm calling to let you know that Russell Dalrimple is no longer with this network.,JERRY,"Oh, my God. Did he get fired?"
RITA,To be honest with you. Nobody really knows. He seems to have disappeared.,JERRY,Russell's disappeared?
RITA,"In any event, I've been made the new president of NBC. As you may or may not know, Russell and I did not see eye to eye on many, many projects. And as my first order of business, I'm, uh, passing on your show.",JERRY,You're passing already? But the show just ended two minutes ago!
RITA,"Well, I just got the job. Goodbye, Jerry.",JERRY,"Yeah, see ya. (he hangs up)"
ELAINE,What did I do?,JERRY,Do you realize his obsession with you cost us a TV series?
ELAINE,I can't believe this? What happened to him? Where the hell is he?,JERRY,No one knows.
[setting,Monk's],JERRY,Hey look at this. What is going on here?
GEORGE,Peggy! (they all sit) His daughter Peggy. Peggy's coming over to serve.,JERRY,What a family!
GEORGE,Thank you very much. (Peggy leaves the menus and walks away) So guess what I got do tomorrow?,JERRY,What?
[location,Monk's],JERRY,"So, what's her name?"
GEORGE,Karen.,JERRY,Is she nice?
GEORGE,Great.,JERRY,So you like her?
GEORGE,I think so.,JERRY,You don't know?
GEORGE,I can't tell anymore.,JERRY,Well do you feel anything?
GEORGE,Feel? What's that?,JERRY,"All right, let me ask you this when she comes over, you're cleaning up a lot?"
GEORGE,Yeah.,JERRY,You're just straightening up or you're cleaning?
GEORGE,Cleaning,JERRY,You do the tub?
GEORGE,Yeah.,JERRY,"On your knees, Ajax, hands scrubbin', the whole deal?"
GEORGE,"Yeah, yeah.",JERRY,"Okay, I think you're in love!"
GEORGE,Tub is love?,JERRY,Tub is love.
GEORGE,Hah.,JERRY,So there you are. You've got a nice girl and a clean apartment.
GEORGE,Yep. There's one liiiittle problem.,JERRY,Sexual?
GEORGE,Yeeeaaah. (Jerry and George lean in to make their conversation a little more private) Well..... I've never really felt confident in uh..... one particular aspect.,JERRY,Below the equator?
GEORGE,Yeah.,JERRY,"Nobody does. You know, nobody knows what to do. You just close your eyes and you hope for the best. I really think they're happy if you just make an effort."
GEORGE,I-I don't know. Last time I got the tap.,JERRY,You got the tap?
GEORGE,"You know, you're going along, you think everything's all right and all of a sudden you get that tap. (George taps his own shoulder). You know it's like pfffff (whistling sound), all right that's enough, you're through.",JERRY,The tap is tough.
GEORGE,It's like the manager coming out and asking you for the ball.,JERRY,Well maybe she just wanted to move on to other business.
GEORGE,"No, no, this wasn't moving on. I got the hook. I wish I could get a lesson in that.",JERRY,It's a very complicated area.
GEORGE,You can go crazy trying to figure that place out.,JERRY,It's a haaazy mystery.
ELAINE,Of course.,JERRY,Really?
ELAINE,On occasion.,JERRY,And the guy never knows?
ELAINE,No.,JERRY,How can he not know that?
ELAINE,Because I was gooood.,JERRY,I guess after that many beers he's probably a little groggy anyway.
ELAINE,You didn't know.,JERRY,What?
ELAINE,You didn't know.,JERRY,Are you saying...
GEORGE,I think I'll have a piece of cake.,JERRY,With me?
ELAINE,Well...,JERRY,You faked with me?
ELAINE,Ye.,JERRY,You faked with me?
ELAINE,Yeass.,JERRY,No.
ELAINE,Yeass.,JERRY,You faked it?
ELAINE,I faked it.,JERRY,"That whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act?"
ELAINE,Not bad huh?,JERRY,"What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming?"
ELAINE,"(points in the air as is to point out each things Jerry asked) Fake, fake, fake, fake.",JERRY,"I'm stunned, I'm shocked! How many times did you do this?"
ELAINE,"Uuuhm, all the time.",JERRY,All the time?!
GEORGE,We got a chocolate malt in here!,JERRY,But I'm so good.
ELAINE,"Jerry, listen, it wasn't you. I just didn't have 'em back then.",JERRY,She faked.
KRAMER,She was probably joking.,JERRY,"No no, it was no joke."
KRAMER,She didn't have any?,JERRY,No. None.
KRAMER,(raising hand) She faked 'em all.,JERRY,(raising hand) Faked 'em all.
KRAMER,"Well so she faked 'em, so what?",JERRY,The woman had an orgasm under false pretences. That's sexual perjury.
KRAMER,You know I heard her screaming from my apartment? She woke me up a few times.,JERRY,"How did she do it? She's like Meryl Streep this woman. And I had to work the equipment. I'm not unskilled, I'm in the union. If she'd at least told me, maybe I could have done something about it."
KRAMER,Yeah I could have helped you out.,JERRY,What could you have done?
KRAMER,I could have given you some pointers. I know how to press those buttons buddy.,JERRY,I'm feeling very inadequate about the whole thing.
KRAMER,Aaaaah.,JERRY,Don't aaaaah! I'm supposed to do something with her later? I don't even think I wanna see her.
KRAMER,Giddy-up.,JERRY,Hello... Oh hello Elaine.
ELAINE,So we're having dinner tonight?,JERRY,"I don't know, I'm not really in the mood."
ELAINE,Why? What's wrong? You're not still thinking about this afternoon are you?,JERRY,"What, the grilled cheese? Naaah, they always burn the toast."
ELAINE,"Nooo, the other thing.",JERRY,Oooh that. Well...
ELAINE,"Oh come on, Jerry. Making to much of a big deal about it.",JERRY,Yeah I guess. So you wanna meet at that place at seven thirty?
ELAINE,Okay.,JERRY,All right.
ELAINE,"All right, see you later.",JERRY,Bye.
[location,Jerry's apartment],JERRY,I really don't feel like seeing her.
KRAMER,"You know, I faked it.",JERRY,(confused) What?!
KRAMER,Yeah.,JERRY,You faked it? Why would you do that?
KRAMER,"Well you know, if it's enough already and I just wanna get some sleep.",JERRY,"Yeah, but why would you... (Kramer is eating a peach then disgusted he spits it out) Bad peach?"
KRAMER,It's terrible!,JERRY,Did you get that at Joe's?
KRAMER,"Yeah, of course I got it at Joe's.",JERRY,"That's surprising, his fruit is usually the best."
KRAMER,You know what I'm gonna do? (heading for the door) I'm gonna return this.,JERRY,You're returning used fruit?
ELAINE,"Oh god, Mmmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmmmm, Mmm, Ah, Woo",JERRY,Satisfied?
ELAINE,"Mmm, hey, you know what? You wanna go see that new Meryl Streep movie?",JERRY,Meryl Streep?
ELAINE,You don't like her?,JERRY,"Ah, she's okay."
ELAINE,"I love her Jerry, she's so authentic. I really believe everything is actually happening to her. There's no acting there.",JERRY,Yeah. You don't want coffee or anything do you?
ELAINE,"I really admire actors, you know. It's just such an incredible skill.",JERRY,"Yeah, yeah, can we get off of this?"
ELAINE,What's the matter?,JERRY,Nothing.
ELAINE,You're not still thinking about that are you?,JERRY,Nooo.
ELAINE,Oh good.,JERRY,Give me another shot!
ELAINE,(shocked) What?,JERRY,"Another shot, I want another shot."
ELAINE,You mean...?,JERRY,Yes!
ELAINE,"Oooh no, I don't think so.",JERRY,"Come on! One shot, I can do it, I know I can do it!"
ELAINE,"Jerry, we're friends! We can't do that, it would ruin our friendship.",JERRY,"Oh friendship... friendship, shmanship ."
ELAINE,"Jerry no, that's important to me.",JERRY,We won't ruin the friendship.
ELAINE,"Ya, Yes we will!",JERRY,Elaine...
ELAINE,"No Jerry, it is out of the question. You know what sex does to a friendship, it kills it.",JERRY,"A half hour, give me a half our."
ELAINE,No!,JERRY,"Okay, fifteen minutes. I guarantee you fifteen minutes, I can make it happen!"
ELAINE,Noo!,JERRY,You're worried I'll be able to do it aren't you?
ELAINE,"What, no, it doesn't matter. Jerry, I don't care.",JERRY,"That's it, that's it. You like having this over me, you don't want me to do it."
ELAINE,That is so ridiculous.,JERRY,"Come on, Elaine!"
ELAINE,No.,JERRY,Elaine?!
[location,Jerry's car],JERRY,Well good night.
ELAINE,I still don't understand why we had to walk out on that movie.,JERRY,"Oh that Meryl Streep, she's such a phony baloney."
ELAINE,Goodnight. Thanks for a really fabulous evening (sarcastic).,JERRY,"Oh what, you're upset?"
ELAINE,"Yes I'm upset, can't you tell?",JERRY,"No I can't, maybe you're faking."
ELAINE,"I'm really, really sorry I told you that.",JERRY,I'm sorry too.
ELAINE,Well stop being such a baby.,JERRY,You're a baby!
GEORGE,"It's all your fault! You and Elaine! All that orgasm talk. She did have an orgasm, she didn't have an orgasm. Orgasm this, orgasm that. I got so focused on it. I started to panic and boom, I lost it. I tried everything, I was talking to him 'Please wake up, do something.'",JERRY,They're mysterious little fellows aren't they?
GEORGE,I hate him!,JERRY,You know it happens to everybody. It happened to Houdini. And he could get out of a trunk under water with his hands in chains! But he had a problem with that. The miracle is that it ever happens.
KRAMER,"Hey listen, if I give you money would you go out and get me some fruit?",JERRY,Why can't you get it?
KRAMER,Well I got banned from the store I can't go back in there now.,JERRY,What happened?
GEORGE,"Hey, was that a joke about Houdini?",JERRY,(to George) No. (to Kramer) I told you not to say anything.
KRAMER,"Jerry, what am I gonna do for fruit?",JERRY,Well you'll have to go to the supermarket.
KRAMER,"The supermarket? That's impossible! They don't have a decent piece of fruit at the supermarket. The apples are mealy, the oranges are dry. I don't know what's going on with the Papayas! Jerry you gotta go to Joe's, you gotta get me some fruit!",JERRY,Oh so what I'm going to buy all your fruit now?
GEORGE,"Well if Houdini couldn't do it, what chance do I have?",JERRY,"Hello... Oh hi Patty, thanks for calling me back. I-I just wanted to ask you a question when we we're going out did you have orgasms?... Okay, thanks... No that's it... Ya, Okay, bye."
KRAMER,"Alright look I'm gonna make you a fruit list, all right?",JERRY,Yeah.
[location,outside Joe's],JERRY,Why do I feel like I'm doing something wrong?
KRAMER,All right now here's the list. (hands Jerry the list),JERRY,All this? It's too much. What do you need five mangos for?
KRAMER,I like mangos.,JERRY,Avocado? I don't know how to pick out an avocado.
KRAMER,Well they gotta be soft.,JERRY,How soft?
KRAMER,Not too soft. Better too hard than too soft.,JERRY,"(looking over the list) Hmm ah. I'm not going through this every week, I tell you that right now. And what are these? Plums? What is that?"
KRAMER,Yeah now get the ones that are red on the inside.,JERRY,Uh huh. Well how do I know what they look like on the inside? What do they look like on the outside?
KRAMER,Oh! And get some plantains. (grabs the list to write them down),JERRY,Plantains?
KRAMER,Yeah.,JERRY,What the hell is a plantain.
KRAMER,It's part of the banana family. It's a delicacy.,JERRY,(grabbing the list from Kramer) You're not getting any plantains.
JOE,How's it going?,JERRY,"Good, just getting some fruit for myself. Uh, gotta have fruit in the house. I like it as a snack. Wholesome, natural, chock-full of vitamins. Alright let's see... mangos... four plums with red on the inside... avocado... (looks at Joe; Joe gives him a weird look)ooo, just right... and three plantains uh ought to do it."
JOE,"All right, all right, just hold it right there.",JERRY,What?
JOE,This fruit isn't for you.,JERRY,"(shocked) Wha, what are you talking about?"
JOE,"You think I don't know huh? Mangos, plantains, plums with the red on the inside, that's Kramer!",JERRY,I can't buy mangos and plantains?
JOE,"All right, get out!",JERRY,"You're making a big mistake, Joe!"
JOE,I'll tell you something else I don't what your business anymore either.,JERRY,Are saying you're banning me from the store?
JOE,That's exactly what I'm saying.,JERRY,I'm banned?!
GEORGE,"All right, where do you want it?",JERRY,Put it over there.
GEORGE,All right I gotta get going.,JERRY,What are you doing?
GEORGE,I got a date with Karen. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Nothing happening down there.,JERRY,You're thinking about it too much. You're putting too much emphasis on it.
GEORGE,"That reminds me, I'm not getting you guys any more fruit. That guy was eyeballing me the whole time. He gave me the creeps. All right, you owe me twenty-eight sixty.",JERRY,"Sorry, I don't have any cash."
KRAMER,Mmm.,JERRY,What?
KRAMER,Ya I told you.,JERRY,What is it?
ELAINE,"Noo, thanks.",JERRY,"Well well, if it isn't the first lady of the American Theatre. (Elaine smiles and rolls her eyes at him) What brings you here?"
ELAINE,Just gonna return some of your things that were in my house.,JERRY,Oh and I've got some things of yours here.
ELAINE,I know.,JERRY,Well I'll get them.
ELAINE,I'm waiting.,JERRY,All right. (goes into his hallway and comes back) You got my fins?
ELAINE,Yeah I got your fins. You got my poker chips?,JERRY,I got your poker chips. You got my goggles?
ELAINE,They're next to the fins. You got my cards?,JERRY,They're next to the poker chips.
ELAINE,All right and that just about... does it.,JERRY,I guess.
ELAINE,"Okay, welp... see you around.",JERRY,"Yeah, see you."
ELAINE,"All right, let's go, I give you half an hour.",JERRY,(shocked) What?
ELAINE,Come on!,JERRY,Are you serious?
ELAINE,"Look, Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.",JERRY,"Sex... to save the friendship. (Elaine drops her bag, takes off her jacket and walks into Jerry's bedroom) Well, if we have to (un-tucks his shirt) we have to."
[location,Jerry's bedroom],JERRY,It's all George's fault. All that talk about impotence. It got to me. And that orgasm stuff orgasm this and orgasm that. It's a lot of pressure!
GEORGE,I can't believe this.,JERRY,"Oh, it won't be for that long."
GEORGE,"How can I do this? How can I move back in with those people? Please, tell me. They're insane. You know that.",JERRY,"Hey, my parents are just as crazy as your parents."
GEORGE,How can you compare you parents to my parents?!,JERRY,My father has never thrown anything out. Ever!
GEORGE,My father wears his sneakers in the pool! Sneakers!,JERRY,My mother has never set foot in a natural body of water.
GEORGE,"(Showing Jerry up) Listen carefully. My mother has never laughed. Ever. Not a giggle, not a chuckle, not a tee-hee.. never went 'Ha!'",JERRY,A smirk?
GEORGE,Maybe!.. And I'm moving back in there!,JERRY,I told you I'd lend you the money for the rent.
KRAMER,"Well, move in here.",JERRY,(Stopping the notion) What's that?
KRAMER,"Hello, Mrs. Costanza.",JERRY,"(quietly) Hello, Mrs. Costanza."
ESTELLE,"So, how are ya, Jerry?",JERRY,"Fine, Mrs. Costanza. (Attempts to get Estelle to laugh) Hey, I got a terrific joke for you.."
ESTELLE,"(Sits down on the couch) Nah, not interested.",JERRY,"No, no. It-It's really funny. There's these two guys-"
ESTELLE,What are you talking about?! (to Jerry) Have a sandwich.,JERRY,(setting down a box) No thanks.
ESTELLE,I think you're all a little touched in the head. (Puts the plate down) You're so worried about your health.. You're young men.,JERRY,I really don't eat it.
ESTELLE,What am I gonna do with all these sandwiches?! Will you take them home? Give them to someone in your building?,JERRY,I don't know if I'd feel comfortable handing out bologna sandwiches in the building..
KRAMER,"Oh, I gotta go move the car. Alright (Leaves)",JERRY,"Well, I guess we'll be going.. (Heads for the door)"
GEORGE,"(Runs over to him, not wanting him to leave) What? You're going?",JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,Wha - what are you doing later?,JERRY,"Oh, Elaine and I are going out to dinner with Kramer and his new girlfriend."
GEORGE,Really?,JERRY,"Yeah, You can't believe this woman. She's one of those low-talkers. You can't hear a word she's saying! You're always going 'excuse me?', 'what was that?'"
GEORGE,(Mutters) Oh.. okay.. talk to you later.,JERRY,"Yeah, take it easy. (Leaves)"
ELAINE,"Okay, well, he had this idea of a pizza place where you make your own pie! (Laughs)",JERRY,Right.
KRAMER,"Yeah, well, that was a good one.",JERRY,Well..
ELAINE,What's that?,JERRY,Excuse me?
ELAINE,"Oh, a puffy shirt.",JERRY,Puffy.
ELAINE,"Uh, o... (Remembers something they could talk about) Jerry's going to be on the ""Today"" show on Friday.",JERRY,"Yeah, that's right!"
ELAINE,"Yep.. yep. Um, he's promoting a (pauses) benefit for Goodwill, you know, they, uh, they clothe the (clears her throat) poor, and the homeless..",JERRY,(Points at Elaine) And the indigent.
ELAINE,"And the indigent, yeah.. I, I do volunteer work for them. I-I set the whole thing up, and I got Jerry to do it.",JERRY,Sure.
ELAINE,"Ohh, yeah. Yeah.. yep.",JERRY,Uh-huh.
ELAINE,Yep.,JERRY,Yep..
[Setting,Jerry's apartment],JERRY,(Shrugs) I - I don't get it.
GEORGE,Me neither!,JERRY,What is it?
GEORGE,I don't know.,JERRY,They're hands!
GEORGE,This woman just set me up for a job!,JERRY,"(Gets up, and displays his own hands) Well, what about my hands? I don't see how your hands are any better than my hands."
GEORGE,"What, are you kidding? (Points at the flaws of Jerry's hands) The knuckles are all out of proportion. you got hair over there - where do you get off comparing your hands to my hands?! This is a one-in-a-million hand. (Points to his own hand)",JERRY,"Well, that's what comes from avoiding manual labor your whole life."
GEORGE,"This is it! It happened to me, Jerry! I was sitting in the restaurant, the two nut jobs were talking - I couldn't take it any more. I got up, and (Makes a noise) I bop into this woman..",JERRY,It's just like in the movies.
KRAMER,Hey. (He's carrying a suit cover. He hangs it on Jerry's coat hooks),JERRY,Hey.
KRAMER,"(Laughing) But, it's only a toy!",JERRY,(Explaining) George has become a hand model.
KRAMER,A hand model?,JERRY,Yes.
GEORGE,"(Takes two oven mitts from his back pack) Alright, (puts them on) I gotta get going.",JERRY,Oven mitts?
KRAMER,Yeah..,JERRY,Alright. (Jerry opens the door for George)
KRAMER,"You're not going to believe what happening with Leslie. You know, ever since you agreed to wear the puffy shirt on the Today show, she's been getting all these orders from boutiques and department stores..",JERRY,"Uh-huh.. (Finally realizes what Kramer said, he looks up) Since I said what?"
KRAMER,Agreed to wear the puffy shirt. (Starts unzipping the suit cover),JERRY,What are you talking about?
KRAMER,When you said that you'd agree to wear the puffy shirt on the Today show. (Takes the ridiculous puffy shirt out of the cover),JERRY,(Goes up to it) This?
KRAMER,Yea.,JERRY,I agreed to wear this?!
KRAMER,"Yeah, yeah.",JERRY,"But, when did I do that?"
KRAMER,When we went to dinner the other night.,JERRY,"What are you, crazy?!"
KRAMER,What were you talking about when I went to the bathroom?,JERRY,I don't know! I couldn't understand a word she was saying! I was just nodding!
KRAMER,(makes his pop sound) There you go.,JERRY,"Where I go? You mean she was asking me to wear this ridiculous shirt on national TV, and I said 'Yes'?!"
KRAMER,"Yes, yes! You said it!",JERRY,"But, I - I didn't know what she was talking about. I couldn't hear her!"
KRAMER,"(Takes it off the hook, and starts walking toward Jerry with it. He backs defensively backs away from it) Well, she asked you.",JERRY,"I - I can't wear this puffy shirt on TV! I mean, look at it! It looks ridiculous!"
KRAMER,"Well, you gotta wear it now! All those stores are stocking it based on the condition that you're gonna wear this on the TV show! The factory in New Jersey is already makin' em.",JERRY,They're making these?
KRAMER,"Yes, yes. This pirate trend that she's come up with, Jerry, this-this is gonna be the new look for the 90's. You're gonna be the first pirate!",JERRY,"(Like a little kid) But, I don't want to be a pirate!"
KRAMER,"Now that's a great looking shirt! (Gets up, admiring the shirt) Aye Captain! (Growls like a pirate) Yeah! I'm glad I ironed it. It's perfect. (Walks around Jerry, inspecting the shirt) Look at it! It's fantastic!",JERRY,"(Resisting) Kramer, how am I gonna wear this?! I-I can't wear this!"
ELAINE,(To Jerry) Why're you wearing that now?,JERRY,"(Obviously mad at the situation he's in) 'Why am I wearing is now?? I'll tell you why I'm wearing it now - because the lowtalker asked me to, that's why! And I said 'yes'. Do you know why? Because I couldn't HEAR her!"
ELAINE,"When did she, (Snickers) when did she ask you this?",JERRY,"When we were at dinner, when Kramer went to the bathroom."
ELAINE,I didn't hear anything.,JERRY,(Yelling out) Of course not! Nobody hears anything when this woman speaks!
ELAINE,"(Turning around to Kramer) Wha- What? No. (Back to Jerry) Jerry, you are promoting a benefit to CLOTHE homeless people. You can't come out dressed like that! You're all puffed up!.. You look like the Count of Monte Cristo!",JERRY,"(Arms out, complaining) I have to wear it! The woman has orders for this shirt based on me wearing it on TV.. they're producing them as we speak!"
BRYANT,"(Talking directly to the camera) Back now, 746. On Tuesday the 19th here in New York there will be a benefit for the Goodwill Industries - a used clothing organization that provides services to the needy. One of the performers will be comedian Jerry Seinfeld. (Turns to face Jerry) Jerry, good morning.",JERRY,"(Mumbling out) Thank you, Bryant."
BRYANT,"(Pointing out) And speaking of clothing, that is a very, very unusual shirt you have on.",JERRY,"(Looking down at the shirt; mumbling) Oh, thank you."
BRYANT,"You're all kinda, (Waves his hands around) kinda ""puffed up"". (Chuckles)",JERRY,"Yeah, it's a puffy shirt."
BRYANT,(Laughing) You look kinda like a pirate.,JERRY,"(Nervous laughter) Yeah.. like a pirate.. (Attempting to get on another subject) Anyway, ah, you know, we're hoping to, um, raise enough money.. with this.. uh.."
BRYANT,"(Rudely interrupting, still snickering at the shirt) You.. ah, look, I'm sorry, it is just a VERY unusual shirt. It could be kind of a whole new look for you.. you know, you could put a patch over an eye, you could be kind of like the pirate-comedian.",JERRY,"Uh-huh, yeah. (Smiling, nodding, clearly wanting Bryant to shut up)"
BRYANT,Are you going to be wearing the shirt at the concert?,JERRY,"(Losing it, mad) Look, it's not my shirt."
BRYANT,(Confused) Whose shirt is it?,JERRY,"What's the difference? I agreed to wear it. It's - it's a puffy shirt. I feel ridiculous in it, and I think it's the stupidest shirt I've ever seen, to be perfectly honest with you. (Nodding)"
BRYANT,(To Jerry) Did you hear that?,JERRY,"(Pointing off screen, nodding) THAT I heard."
LESLIE,You ruined me! You ruined my career!,JERRY,"Oh, just keep your voice down. Everyone can hear you."
LESLIE,"(Shouting out) Oh, I don't give a damn!",JERRY,"(Reasoning) You know, if you talked this loud to begin with, I wouldn't be in this costume in the first place!"
GEORGE,"(Turning back to Jerry, he takes the check back. He just now notices the shirt Jerry's wearing, and snickers, pointing) Nice shirt.. (Laughs, Jerry shrugs) What is this? Is this what you wore on the show?",JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,"My whole life is ruined because of the (Mocking, bitter tone) ""puffy shirt"".",JERRY,"(Pointing out) It didn't do me any good either! That benefit was the worst show I ever did. Some of those heckles were really uncalled for ""Avast ye matey"" - what the hell does that mean?! ""20 degrees off the starboard side - the Spanish Galleon!"" - there's no comeback for that!"
KRAMER,You know all those stores canceled out on her? She's finished. (Concluding) We're (Leslie and him) finished.,JERRY,Really? What happened?
KRAMER,(Showing pure irony) I just can't be with someone who's life is in complete disarray.,JERRY,What happened with all the shirts?
HOMELESS MAN,"Ahh, can you spare a little change for an old buccaneer?",JERRY,"(While digging in his pocket for some money, he looks over the shirts one last time) You know, it's really not a bad looking shirt.."
ELAINE,Do you ever spit on anybody from here?,JERRY,No. You?
ELAINE,No. Do you ever think about it?,JERRY,Yeah.
KRAMER,Well I got it!,JERRY,You got me the air conditioner?
KRAMER,What do you think?,JERRY,Beautiful!
KRAMER,Well my buddy works in an appliance store and he got us thirty percent off.,JERRY,Is it a good one?
KRAMER,Good one? It's the Commando 8.,JERRY,Commando 8?
ELAINE,"Oooh, you're getting an air conditioner for Amy. (In a wining voice) Amy doesn't like the temperature up here. She's a little hoooot.",JERRY,All right.
KRAMER,"Okay, so, I'm gonna measure the window up, okay buddy?",JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,I gotta get out of this city.,JERRY,So you're tunneling to the center of the Earth? (Elaine laughs silently)
GEORGE,I broke 'em playing basketball.,JERRY,He was running from a bee. (Elaine laughs)
ELAINE,"George, those are prescription goggles? What is there to see in a health club pool?",JERRY,There's a lot of change down there.
GEORGE,"When I find that guy, this much I vow those glasses will be returned to their rightful owner.",JERRY,"We're behind you, Aquaboy. Godspeed!"
GEORGE,"Yeah, come on.",JERRY,"Hey, he just got me thirty percent off on an air conditioner."
GEORGE,"Well, it's a tough decision. I have to wear these every day. I'm deciding on a new face.",JERRY,"(bored) Come on, George. Pick a face and go with it."
GEORGE,"Yes, they are bold. Jerry, what do you think?",JERRY,(While looking at posters of women wearing glasses) I think these women would be pretty good looking if they weren't wearing glasses.
DWAYNE,"Hey, you can't have that dog in here.",JERRY,Are you okay? Did he bite ya?
ELAINE,My leg looks pretty bad.,JERRY,Oh I'm gonna take you over to the emergency room.
ELAINE,Okay.,JERRY,"(To George) Hey, any luck? Did you catch 'em?"
GEORGE,"Uuh, no, no.",JERRY,"All right, I'm gonna take Elaine over to the hospital."
GEORGE,"(In a really strange way) Good, good, do that.",JERRY,What's the matter?
GEORGE,"Oh, no, nothing.",JERRY,What is it?
ELAINE,"(pulling on Jerry's pants from the ground) Jerry, can we go?",JERRY,"Yeah, yeah, in a second, in a second. (And to George) What do you mean you can't tell me?"
GEORGE,"I can't tell you, don't ask.",JERRY,I'm asking!
ELAINE,"Jerry, my leg.",JERRY,"Yeah, yeah, take care of it. (Jerry throws her some toilet paper) Come on, George, what is it?"
GEORGE,I saw Amy making out with your cousin Jeffrey.,JERRY,What?
GEORGE,They were right outside!,JERRY,Amy and Jeffrey?
GEORGE,Yes!,JERRY,Are you sure?
GEORGE,"Yes, positive.",JERRY,"But you can't see, there's no lenses in those frames."
ELAINE,"Okay, listen, Jerry, you just catch up with me okay? You can just follow the trail of blood.",JERRY,We're gonna have to talk about this later. (Elaine holds the door open for Jerry while holding her leg) Thank you. Taxi!
ELAINE,"Oh, come on. Cousin Jeffrey? It's not possible!",JERRY,"Why not? They could have met. She loves the park, he works for the Parks Department."
ELAINE,"Jerry, that is so ridiculous. But, George didn't even have his glasses on!",JERRY,But he was squinting.
ELAINE,So what? Squinting doesn't make that much of a difference.,JERRY,"Are you kidding? I've seen 'em squint. He can squint his way down to like twenty, thirty vision. Once we were driving down from the Catskills and he lost his glasses. He squinted his way from Wortsborough down to the Tappan Zee Bridge! He was spotting raccoons, on the road!"
DOCTER,"Not shot, dog bite. Woof woof, not bang bang.",JERRY,"Nah, look at this. Cable's out."
AMY,"Oh that's okay, we don't have to watch tv.",JERRY,"No, no, no. No trouble at all, it's a principal the thing. (Jerry picks up the phone and dials the number) I like them to know that I know what's going on. That they're not... getting away with anything. Oh, I'm on hold. So, what did you do yesterday?"
AMY,Yesterday?,JERRY,"Yeah, you remember yesterday? Beautiful day... good day to be... out."
AMY,I didn't do anything.,JERRY,(laughing) Oh you must have done something.
AMY,"No, nothing really.",JERRY,Didn't go out of the house? Didn't take a walk... on Columbus Avenue?
AMY,"Well, I did go out for a little while.",JERRY,"Well, your day's getting more interesting already. (Jerry shows the phone) Ah, see, told me they'd be back in a minute and THEY lied."
AMY,You can't thrust anyone.,JERRY,"No you can't. (hangs up the phone) Now let's cut the ball, sister! You think I don't know about you swapping spit with somebody yesterday on Columbus Avenue?"
AMY,What are you talking about?,JERRY,"Look, my friend saw you."
AMY,Saw me? With who?,JERRY,You tell me.
AMY,There's nothing to tell.,JERRY,There isn't?
AMY,No.,JERRY,Oh... all right... wanna get some pizza?
AMY,I had a feeling this was to good to be true.,JERRY,Why?
AMY,I knew there had to be another side to you.,JERRY,"No, no, there's no side!"
AMY,"There is a side, an ugly side.",JERRY,"No, no, no ugly side."
AMY,"Look, I think I'm gonna go.",JERRY,Why?
AMY,It's really hot in here.,JERRY,"Uuh, so we can still go out on Friday though?"
AMY,Yeah. When you getting an air conditioner?,JERRY,It's coming! It's a Commando 8! 12.000 BTU's! It's gonna be like a meat locker in here.
GEORGE,"Hey, I saw what I saw.",JERRY,"Ooh, everything was going so well. She hadn't seen any flaws in me. Now she sees a side."
GEORGE,What side?,JERRY,"A bad side, an ugly side."
GEORGE,"Ooh, so what?",JERRY,So what? I wasn't planning on showing that side for another six months. Now you make me throw off the whole learning curve.
GEORGE,Why don't you just ask Jeffrey?,JERRY,"Ah, he'd just deny it."
GEORGE,There must be some way to find out.,JERRY,Amy said nothing happened.
GEORGE,"What, you're gonna take her word over mine? I'm your best friend!",JERRY,"Yeah, but you're blind as a bat!"
GEORGE,I was squinting! Remember that drive from Wortsborough? (snapping his fingers) I was spotting those raccoons.,JERRY,"They were mailboxes, you idiot. I didn't have the heart to tell you."
GEORGE,"Heh, Mercury head. You mind?",JERRY,"(Stunned) No, keep it. (Elaine enters the apartment) Hey what happened to you? You buzzed five minutes ago."
ELAINE,There was a dog in front of the building and it spooked me. I couldn't come in until he left.,JERRY,A little white dog?
ELAINE,Yeah.,JERRY,Snowball? You were afraid of Snowball?
ELAINE,I'm afraid of dogs now.,JERRY,He's like a squirrel.
ELAINE,"What, you think I should have?",JERRY,"You know, you should just go back to the optical store and ask Dwayne if he knows the name of the owner of the dog."
GEORGE,"All right, let me just... I'm gonna grap an apple.",JERRY,"Hey, Kramer, Elaine's afraid of Snowball!"
GEORGE,"I saw them making out, you can believe it.",JERRY,"I don't know what to believe! You're eating unions, you're spotting dimes, I don't know what the hell is going on."
KRAMER,"Look, all you gotta to do, is get Amy and Jeffrey together somewhere, that's it.",JERRY,"Hey wait a second, wait a second. I'm going over to Jeffrey's apartment tomorrow night to pick up these Paul Simon tickets. I'm gonna surprise Amy. All I gotta do is bring her with me. And then when Jeffrey opens the door, it's Howdy Doody time."
KRAMER,We'll see you Dwayne.,JERRY,"I don't know what to tell you, Elton."
ELAINE,"(While reading a book) Oh oh, listen to this, this is not good, listen to these symptoms for rabies anxiety, irritability. I got those, I'm irritable!",JERRY,(To George) Who picked these out?
GEORGE,I did!,JERRY,They're ladies' glasses! You know all you need is that little chain around your neck so you can wear 'em while you're playing Canasta.
ELAINE,Hey! I got bit by a dog! I had to go to the hospital! I was bleeding to death! I can't solve every little problem you have!,JERRY,"Hey, hey."
KRAMER,Commando 8 has arrived!,JERRY,Take it to the window.
KRAMER,"No, just plug it in and the Commando 8 does the rest. (And to Jerry) I'll seal that up later, right?",JERRY,Just in time for Amy.
KRAMER,Of what?,JERRY,Rabies.
ELAINE,"I know I don't want it! I don't need you to tell me what I don't want, you stupid hipster dufus!",JERRY,"Hey, hey, what is this? What's going on here?"
ELAINE,What if Jeffrey's not home. Did you ever think of that?,JERRY,"Oh he'll be home, it's Friday night. That's the big night on the Nature Channel."
ELAINE,Let me tell you this there is no way cousin Jeffrey is dating Amy. He looks like a horse!,JERRY,He does look like a horse.
DOG OWNER,Hey who are you calling stupid?,JERRY,"Hey, shall we spit on him?"
AMY,So what are we doing here?,JERRY,"Oh, you'll find out."
AMY,"I don't know, you're acting very mysteriously.",JERRY,"Well, I'm very mysterious by nature. (Jerry knocks on the door) A lot of women find that attractive."
AMY,I find it annoying.,JERRY,Oh?
UNCLE LEO,Helloooo!,JERRY,Uncle Leo?!
UNCLE LEO,Come on in.,JERRY,This is Amy.
UNCLE LEO,Hello Amy.,JERRY,"Unlce Leo, what are you doing here?"
UNCLE LEO,Jeffrey went out tonight.,JERRY,Ooh! Very convenient.
UNCLE LEO,"I'm supposed to tape this nature show for him, he loves nature. Botany, zoology. You know his botany teacher from college stays in close touch with him? They became friends!",JERRY,Oh really?
UNCLE LEO,"That's pretty rare! I mean, actual friends! Like equals! They have dinner together, they have discussions...",JERRY,Uncle Leo! Did he leave any tickets here for me?
UNCLE LEO,"Oh yeah yeah, I'll get 'em.",JERRY,Thank you.
AMY,What tickets?,JERRY,To the Paul Simon concert in the park!
AMY,We're going to the Paul Simon concert?,JERRY,"That's right, lady!"
AMY,Oh what a great surprise!,JERRY,I thought you'd like that.
AMY,"Oooh, so that's why you've been acting so mysteriously.",JERRY,"Now you know. That, and that alone, is the reason."
UNCLE LEO,"He likes the spots. Oh uh, here's the tickets.",JERRY,Thank you.
UNCLE LEO,"Oh uh, he asked me to give you a message. He said that uh he's very sorry and uh he hopes you'll forgive 'em.",JERRY,(To Amy) Aha! So it's true! You were making out with him!
AMY,"What are you talking about, I don't know Jeffrey. Oh so this is why you brought me up here?",JERRY,"Oh very convincing, but it's not gonna work this time."
UNCLE LEO,What are you talking about? All he meant was that he was sorry that the seats aren't very good.,JERRY,Oh... oh... wanna get some pizza?
GEORGE,Oh my God it is them.,JERRY,I still don't know how you spotted that dime. I think you planted it. Plus I had to pay that vet bill for the stupid dog. I don't know how that guy got my name.
GEORGE,"Yeah. Hmm. Boy these really do pinch. I tell you, if I ever find the son of a bitch that stole my glasses...",JERRY,"So, does he like you?"
ELAINE,What do you think?,JERRY,You like him?
GEORGE,"Well, I'm sure you'll find something.",JERRY,"So, how did you meet him?"
ELAINE,In the office.,JERRY,"So, he's a writer."
ELAINE,Yeah.,JERRY,"Yeah, big surprise."
ELAINE,"Ask your mother, (making fun of George's living situation) you live with her now, don't you? Anyway, so then this guy comes up to me and starts feeling my jacket through his thumb and his forefinger like this.",JERRY,"So, what did you do?"
GEORGE,Sounds like a cool guy.,JERRY,"Sounds like a jerk. Felt your material, come on."
GEORGE,"Jerry, where did you get that sweater?",JERRY,"Oh, what do you think? I found it at the back of my closet."
ELAINE,"Hey, that's Barry. Look it's Barry. (taps on the window)",JERRY,(taps on the window) Hey...
GEORGE,Who's that?,JERRY,"That's Barry Prophet, he's our accountant."
ELAINE,"Oh, he doesn't handle my money, he handles Jerry's money. He just does my taxes.",JERRY,"Hey Barry, how you doing?"
BARRY,"Hey, how are you?",JERRY,This is my friend George.
BARRY,"Nothing really. (sniffs; looks around) You, eh, you eat here?",JERRY,"Yeah, so how's my money?"
BARRY,Well it's still green. (sniffs twice),JERRY,"What, you got a cold?"
BARRY,"(showing off the ring to Elaine) Oh, uh you like that? (Elaine not amused gives Barry a polite laugh; Barry sniffs) Say uh, where's the bathroom?",JERRY,"Bathroom uh, bathroom's uh right over there."
BARRY,"(turns looking in the direction Jerry mentioned) Oh, great.",JERRY,Did you see that?
ELAINE,What?,JERRY,What was all that sniffing?
ELAINE,I don't know.,JERRY,You don't think...?
GEORGE,He was definitely sniffing.,JERRY,"I mean what if, what if, this this guy has got all my money. Plus he has got some Kramer's money with him. This guy could write checks to himself right out of my account."
ELAINE,"No, I have known this guy since college. He doesn't do drugs.",JERRY,"Then, what was all that sniffing?"
ELAINE,Maybe it's the cold weather.,JERRY,Today's not cold.
KRAMER,"Sniffing, what do you mean sniffing?",JERRY,"Sniffing, with his nose."
KRAMER,"Jerry, he probably had a cold.",JERRY,"No, I asked him."
KRAMER,"So, what are you saying?",JERRY,"I don't know, you know, what if...?"
KRAMER,Drugs? You think he's on drugs?,JERRY,I don't know.
KRAMER,Jerry,JERRY,All I know he was sniffing.
KRAMER,"Listen, we went in on a CD together.",JERRY,I know.
KRAMER,"And Newman gave you money too. So, I didn't even meet this guy. You know, we trusted you.",JERRY,"Look, it doesn't necessarily mean anything yet, it just means he was sniffing."
KRAMER,"Well, what else? Was he nervous? Did he use a lot of slang? Did he use the word 'man'?",JERRY,"No, he didn't use 'man'."
KRAMER,"I mean when he was leaving did he say ""I'm splittin'""?",JERRY,"No, but in one point he did use the bathroom."
KRAMER,Whoh!,JERRY,Do you think that's a bad sign?
KRAMER,"Yes!! Yes, that's what they do! They live in the bathroom! All right, what are we going to do? We are going to get our money back, right?",JERRY,I don't know. (takes off his sweater) This sweater really itches me. You want it?
JAKE,"Well, you can put one on this one I'm leaving!",JERRY,You're out of your mind you know that.
ELAINE,Why?,JERRY,It's an exclamation point! It's a line with a dot under it.
ELAINE,"Well, I felt a call for one.",JERRY,"A call for one, you know I thought I've heard everything. I've never heard a relationship being affected by a punctuation."
ELAINE,I found it very troubling that he didn't use one.,JERRY,George was right. Didn't take you long.
ELAINE,"All right, here, you call him right now. See if he's sniffing right now.",JERRY,Good idea. (Jerry calls Barry's office)
VOICE ON THE PHONE,Prophet and Goldstein.,JERRY,"Yes, I'd like to speak to Barry Prophet, please."
VOICE,I'm sorry he's out of town this week.,JERRY,Out of town?
VOICE,"Yes, he went to South America.",JERRY,South America?
KRAMER,South America?,JERRY,"I'll call back, thank you. (hangs up the phone) He went to South America!"
ELAINE,So what?,JERRY,Who goes to South America?
ELAINE,People go to South America.,JERRY,"Yeah, and they come back with things taped to they're large intestine."
ELAINE,"So, because of a few bad apples you're gonna impugn an entire continent?",JERRY,"Yes, I'm impugning a continent."
NEWMAN,"Hey, hey...",JERRY,Hello Newman.
ELAINE,"Ohh, what are you gonna do? You gonna put on phony beards and dress-up like Arab sheiks and sit around in some hotel room. I mean come on...",JERRY,Wait a second. Maybe there is someway we can tempt him and find out...
KRAMER,I feel Tuesday and Wednesday...,JERRY,"All right, shut up the both of you! You're making me nervous. Where is he already? He should've been out of work by now."
KRAMER,"Yeah, maybe we oughta become private detectives...",JERRY,Yeah maybe you should.
NEWMAN,"Yeah, me too.",JERRY,"All right, what are you gonna say to him?"
NEWMAN,"Hey, hey maybe I should go with him?",JERRY,"No, you stay here in the car."
NEWMAN,Who made you the leader?,JERRY,"All right Newman, one more peep outta you, you're out of the whole operation!"
NEWMAN,Alright.,JERRY,There he is. He's going into that bar.
KRAMER,"All right, I'm going in.",JERRY,Be careful Kramer.
NEWMAN,I shoulda gone in with him.,JERRY,"No, you stay here in the car. I may need you."
NEWMAN,What you need me in the car for?,JERRY,I might need you to get me a soda.
KRAMER,Me neither.,JERRY,"You should try this new dental floss Glide, it's fantastic."
NEWMAN,I use dental tape.,JERRY,You should try this.
NEWMAN,I don't wanna.,JERRY,Not even once?
NEWMAN,No.,JERRY,You're an idiot.
NEWMAN,"Why, because I use dental tape?",JERRY,"Right, anyone who uses dental tape is an idiot."
NEWMAN,"No, no I don't like it.",JERRY,What do you mean you don't like it? How could you not like it?
ELAINE,...ok I'll just....,JERRY,'Dear Barry. Consider this letter to be official termination of our relationship effective immediately.'
KRAMER,"Elaine, he was sniffing like crazy around me.",JERRY,'I will expect all funds in form of cashier checks no later than the 18th'.
NEWMAN,Will that take care of ours too?,JERRY,"Yeah, I'll give you yours as soon as I get my money back."
NEWMAN,"Hey, you want me to mail it? I'm on my way out anyway.",JERRY,"Yeah, thanks."
NEWMAN,See'ya later.,JERRY,You know this...
KRAMER,"Hey, Ralph.",JERRY,Hi Ralph.
RALPH,What's up fellas? That'll be 14.30.,JERRY,All right.
KRAMER,"Mushrooms, you got mushrooms Jerry?",JERRY,Yeah.
KRAMER,"I don't know, Jerry gave it to me.",JERRY,"Mohair, I think."
RALPH,"Mohair, that figures, I'm allergic to mohair.",JERRY,You mean you just started sniffing?
RALPH,"Yeah, mohair does it to me every time.",JERRY,I was wearing that sweater in the coffee shop when Barry came in.
ELAINE,"The sweater! The sweater made him sniff! See, I told you he wasn't a drug addict.",JERRY,"Oh no! The letter, Newman, it's got exclamation points all over it!"
KRAMER,Not to mention the picture of him on the toilet.,JERRY,The what??
ELAINE,You are really lucky Newman never mailed that letter.,JERRY,"Sorry I'm late, I just came from a meeting with my lawyer."
ELAINE,What is this?,JERRY,It's a letter from your friend Barry Prophet's lawyer.
ELAINE,"He is filing a chapter eleven. Why, what's going on, why is he filing a chapter eleven?",JERRY,"Bankruptcy, bankruptcy...as in I've taken your money and spent it on drugs!"
KRAMER,"All right, What about the money?",JERRY,"What about the money? Apparently if I had dissolved my relationship with him prior to his filing chapter eleven, I've could've got the money back. Which I would've done, if a certain imbecile had been able to get to a mailbox and mail a letter!!"
WOMAN,Nice.,JERRY,Think so?
WOMAN,"Yeah, what is it?",JERRY,"Half silk, half cotton, half linen. How can you go wrong?"
STAN,And then doctor says...,JERRY,"(interrupting) Thanks, that's enough."
STAN,"Will you look at that kid. Sucking away. Sucking like there's no tomorrow. Suck, suck, suck...",JERRY,"(Looking away) Yeah, yeah, yeah."
STAN,"Look at that Jerry, look at that. Sucking, sucking...",JERRY,"Yeah, I looked. I saw."
STAN,"This doesn't make you uncomfortable, does it?",JERRY,"No, Uncomfortable? Not at all. (ASIDE TO ELAINE) My friend's wife's breast sticking out - why would that make me uncomfortable?"
STAN,Look at him.,JERRY,So how long do they do this?
STAN,"Jus, a year or two.",JERRY,No break?
STAN,After that comes the weaning.,JERRY,"So after the sucking, comes the weaning."
ELAINE,First the sucking then the weaning.,JERRY,"Well, you gotta wean."
GEORGE,What about that spot I got?,JERRY,"Yeah, I saw the spot."
GEORGE,"You open the door to the car, boom, you walk right into the hospital. Eh, You can't beat that spot. (starts doing a little dance) I am on a roll. I'm just willing these great parking spots.",JERRY,George...
GEORGE,"Maybe the baby would like to see my spot. A positive, uplifting message to start his life out with. Huh, You can still get a great space in this city - if you apply yourself.",JERRY,(to Elaine) Where's Kramer? Shouldn't he be here by now.
ELAINE,Did you give him the room number?,JERRY,"Ya, 1397."
GEORGE,You gotta look at this. I pulled it in perfectly equidistant from the car in front of me and the car behind me.,JERRY,Will you shut up George.
ELAINE,I'm taking a cab home. I can't this anymore.,JERRY,You were saying Stan? I-I'm sorry about that.
ELAINE,"Huuh, Wow.",JERRY,Me? Godfather?
STAN,Yes.,JERRY,"(a la ""Don Corleone"") Never go against the family, Elaine."
ELAINE,"That's great Kramer... So-So, anyway, tell us what's involved in being a Godparent.",JERRY,"(a la ""Don Corleione"") Elaine, never ask me about my business!.... (SHEEPISH) ""Godfather."""
STAN,The most important thing is you help with the bris.,JERRY,The bris?
KRAMER,"Ya well, so was uh sacrificing virgins to appease the gods, but we don't do that anymore.",JERRY,"Well, maybe we should."
KRAMER,I don't know.,JERRY,Maybe they're admiring your spot.
ELAINE,A Mohel! What the hell is a Mohel?,JERRY,A Mohel is the person that performs the circumcision.
ELAINE,"Where am I going to find a Mohel? (LOOKING THROUGH THE YELLOW PAGES, MUTTERING) Motels, models... How do you find a Mohel?",JERRY,"Oh, finding a Mohel is a piece of cake. Any idiot can find a Mohel. I have to hold the baby while they do it. That's a tough job. How would you like that?"
ELAINE,"Hey Jerry, you ever seen one?",JERRY,You mean that wasn't uh.
ELAINE,Yeah.,JERRY,No.. you?
ELAINE,Ya.,JERRY,What'd you think?
ELAINE,"(shakes her head) No, had no face, no personality. It was like a martian. But hey, you know that's me.",JERRY,Hey.
GEORGE,"Well I just got the estimate. It's going to cost more to fix that roof than the car's worth, So I'm going over to see that hospital administrator today. Someone is gonna pay for this damage and it's not gonna be me.",JERRY,"Ah, you're screwed."
ELAINE,Well I have to interview a Mohel.,JERRY,How about our little Elaine huh? Attended the finest finishing schools on the Eastern seaboard. Equestrian competitions. Debutante balls. Look at her now. Interviewing Mohels.
KRAMER,YEA!,JERRY,What's the matter?
KRAMER,"Don't even question my instincts, because my instincts are honed. (REPAPER) Look at that.",JERRY,What now?
KRAMER,Look look.,JERRY,"(Kramer shows Jerry and Elaine the paper) ""Hospital receives grant to conduct DNA research"".."" Government funds genetic research at area hospital"" ... Yeah, so?"
KRAMER,"Hey, I'm tellin ya the pig-man is alive. The government has been experimenting with pig-men since the fifties.",JERRY,"Oh, will you stop it. Just because a hospital studying DNA research doesn't mean they're creating a race of mutant pig-men!"
GEORGE,"I tell you something. I wish there were pig-men. You get a few of these pig-men walking around suddenly I'm looking a whole lot better. Then if somebody wants to fix me up at least they could say, ""Hey he's no pig-man!""",JERRY,"Believe me, there'd be plenty of women going for these pig-men. Whatever the deformity is there's always some group of perverts that's attracted to it. ""Oo that little tail really turns me on."""
ELAINE,(MUMBLES) That's just about enough,JERRY,"Oh, what's the matter this doesn't interest you?"
GEORGE,Yeah. So how does that help me?,JERRY,"(TO GEORGE) Hey George, you ever see one?"
GEORGE,"Yeah, my roommate in college.",JERRY,So what'd you think?
GEORGE,(thinks for a second) I got used to it.,JERRY,"Alright, I'm waiting. I-I want to see the pig-man. Show me the pig- man."
KRAMER,"Oh, don't worry. I'm gonna show you, and you'll never be the same.",JERRY,"Maybe he's just a guy with a nose like this. (holds his nose up like a pig) You know a lot of people have a nose like this, they're not necessarily pig-men."
KRAMER,"Believe me, Jerry, somewhere in this hospital the anguished ""oink"" of pig-man cries out for help.",JERRY,"Well, if I hear an anguished ""oink"", I'm outta here. I-I don't see any pig-men. Look (HE POINTS AT PASSERBY) Human, human, human... (HE LOOKS DOWN CORRIDOR, WITH ALARM.) (WITH MOCK ALARM) Wait a second! (Grabs Kramer)"
KRAMER,What?!,JERRY,"Oh, it's George."
KRAMER,He's lying.,JERRY,"Alright Kramer, enough of this. Let's go find George."
KRAMER,Alright you go ahead.,JERRY,Kramer.
ELAINE,He'll be here.,JERRY,He's late already.
ELAINE,Relax. You'd think you were getting whacked.,JERRY,"I don't know why he asked me to be the Godfather. We're not even that close of friends. Just cause we're on the softball team, I'm the pitcher, he's the catcher he thinks we have a special relationship?"
ELAINE,I thought pitchers and catchers did have a special rapport.,JERRY,Well maybe in hardball with all the signals and everything but I'm just lobbing it in. We don't have any conferences. He doesn't come out to the mound and encourage me.
ELAINE,What about me? I mean I just watched a few games with her sitting in the stands.,JERRY,Don't they have any closer friends. They're level jumping on our friendship.
MOHEL,"(to Elaine) Hello, Hello (shaking hands with Jerry) Hello, I'm the Mohel.",JERRY,Hello.
MOHEL,Hello! Who's holding the baby?!? Who's holding the baby?,JERRY,(uncertain) Yeah. I'm holding the baby.
ELAINE,"(pushing Jerry over to the Mohel) Ok, go.",JERRY,I'm going.
ELAINE,Go.,JERRY,I'm going.
ELAINE,C'mon,JERRY,Don't push me.
MOHEL,"(muttering to Jerry).. I coulda been a kosher butcher like my brother. The money's good. There's a union, with benefits. And, cows have no families. You make a mistake with a cow, you move on with your life... Anyway.",JERRY,Hurry up George! Step on it!
GEORGE,"Alright, alright!",JERRY,That damn Mohel - he circumcised my finger! The Mohel circumcised my finger!
ELAINE,You flinched.,JERRY,"Flinched? I did not flinch. George, did I flinch?"
GEORGE,"It was very traumatic. The last thing I remember is you flinching. Then, everything went black.",JERRY,Who's got a tissues? I need more tissues! Look at this thing. It's my phone finger!
KRAMER,What about the baby?,JERRY,Oh the baby's fine. They just took him to the hospital as a precautionary measure. But look at me. I'm the one who's hurt.
ELAINE,Would you stop it? You're just gonna need a few stitches.,JERRY,A few stitches? I've never had stitches. I'll be deformed. I can't live with that. It goes against my whole personality. It's not me!
GEORGE,I have never seen a Mohel like that.,JERRY,That was a one in a million Mohel.
ELAINE,I said I'm sorry.,JERRY,Look at this.
GEORGE,"Wha, where is he going?",JERRY,Oh well if it isn't Shakey the Mohel! Nice job on the circumcision but it's not supposed to be a finger.
MOHEL,(REJERRY) The circumcision was perfect. The finger was your fault! You flinched!,JERRY,"Oh who made you a Mohel? Whadya, get your degree from a matchbook?"
MOHEL,(HE MAKES A SUDDEN MOVEMENT) Ya See! He flinched again!,JERRY,"Nice Mohel picking, Elaine. You picked a helluva Mohel!"
MOHEL,One more peep out of you and I'll slice you up like a smoked sturgeon.,JERRY,"Oh don't threaten me, Butcher Boy."
MOHEL,Butcher Boy?!,JERRY,Ya what was this? (HE IMITATES MOHEL'S FLINCHING)
MOHEL,What was this? (HE IMITATES JERRY),JERRY,It was not!
KRAMER,(off screen) Outta My Way!,JERRY,"(struggling to open a bottle with his bandaged finger) I can't do it. (A LA GODFATHER) Look what they did to my boy, They massacred my boy."
ELAINE,You really do the worst Godfather I ever heard. You're not even close.,JERRY,"(walking over the the buzzer to answer it) Oh, that's the Flicks."
KRAMER,"NO, he's not.. Just a fat little mental patient.",JERRY,"Myra, Stan."
MYRA,Don't touch him,JERRY,What's the matter?
*Note,During this closing monologue; Jerry's finger is bandaged the same way it was during this episode.,JERRY,"Professional tennis. To me I don't understand all the shushing. Why are they always shushing. Shh, shh. Don't the players know that we're there? Should we duck down behind the seats so they don't see us watching them? To me tennis is basically just ping-pong and the players are standing on the table. That's all it is. And that goofy scoring, you win one point and all the sudden you're up by 15. Two points, 30-love. 30-love. Sounds like an English call girl. ""That'll be 30, love... And could you be a little quieter next time, please, shh."""
GEORGE,Where's the sunblock?,JERRY,Here.
GEORGE,25? You don't have anything higher?,JERRY,"What, are you on Mercury?"
GEORGE,"I need higher. This has paba in it, I need paba-free.",JERRY,You got a problem with paba?
GEORGE,"Yes, I have a problem with paba.",JERRY,You don't even know what paba is.
GEORGE,So are you going to Todd's party this weekend?,JERRY,I'll go if someone else drives. You going?
GEORGE,Gwen really wants to go.,JERRY,You're bringing a date to a party?
GEORGE,No good?,JERRY,"A party is a bad date situation. It doesn't matter who you're with. You could be with J. Edgar Hoover. You don't want to sit and talk with Hoover all night. You want to circulate. (Makes hand motions) Ho, ho, ho."
GEORGE,Why'd you pick Hoover? Was he that interesting to talk to?,JERRY,"Well I would think, with the law enforcement and the cross dressing. Seems like an interesting guy."
GEORGE,"Yeah I guess. What can I do? I gotta take her with me. Todd introduced us, I'm obligated.",JERRY,That woman is absolutely stunning.
GEORGE,"Who, the Croat? [the tennis player]",JERRY,"Not the Croat, the lineswoman. That is the most beautiful lineswoman I've ever seen."
GEORGE,"Yeah, she's a B.L.",JERRY,B.L.?
DRIVER,"No, no I said. Ehhh, forget it. (Elaine looks pleased)",JERRY,I can't take my eyes off that lineswoman. The woman is absolutely mesmerizing.
GEORGE,Boy you are really smitten.,JERRY,I gotta talk to her. What do you think?
GEORGE,Cold? How are you going to do that? You're not one of those guys.,JERRY,I'm going to psyche myself into it like those people that just walk across the hot coals.
GEORGE,They're not mocked and humiliated when they get to the other side.,JERRY,I have to. I won't be able to live with myself.
GEORGE,"Wait a minute Jerry, there's a bigger issue here. If you go through that wall and become one of those guys I'll be left here on this side. Take me with you.",JERRY,I can't.
GEORGE,What are you going to say?,JERRY,"I don't know, ""Hi""."
DRIVER,"Yeah yeah, I know your type. You're too good to make conversation with someone like me. Oh god forbid you could discuss the Jumbles. But to go so far as to pretend you're almost deaf, I mean that is truly disgusting. And Mr. Tom Hanks, may I say he too would be disgusted by your behavior.",JERRY,"Excuse me. (Woman ignores him) Excuse me? (Still ignores him) Oh that's nice. That's right ignore me. That's real polite. Yea nobody's even talking to you. All you big lineswoman. Oh you've got some kind of a cool job. I know your type thinking your too good for everyone, but it's women like you (woman turns around and notices him) oh well, what are you deaf?"
KRAMER,And you're saying she's deaf.,JERRY,"I'm not *saying* she's deaf, she's deaf."
KRAMER,Can't hear a thing.,JERRY,Can't hear a thing.
KRAMER,And you're going to go out with her.,JERRY,"Yeah, isn't that something?"
KRAMER,Hey I know how to sign.,JERRY,Really?
ELAINE,What is this about?,JERRY,I met this deaf lineswoman at the tennis match.
ELAINE,"You are kidding. That is amazing. (She pushes Jerry, Jerry falls back into Kramer.) I just took a car service from work and to get the driver to not talk to me, I pretended I was going deaf.",JERRY,Wow good plan.
ELAINE,"No. When I shoo squirrels away, I always say ""get out of here"". I never ever throw things at them and try to injure them like other people.",JERRY,That's nice.
ELAINE,"Yeah, and when I see freaks in the street I never, ever stare at them. Yet, I'm careful not to look away, see, because I want to make the freaks feel comfortable.",JERRY,(turning to Kramer) That's nice for the freaks.
ELAINE,"Yeah, and I don't poof up my hair when I got to a movie so people behind me can see. I've got to make it up to this guy or I won't be able to live with myself. What can I do?",JERRY,"Why don't you get him some tickets or something, how about that friend of yours that works at the ticket agency."
KRAMER,"You got it. Hey Jerry, do me a favor. The next time you see that lineswoman ask her how those ball boys get those jobs. I would love to be able to do that.",JERRY,"Kramer, I think perhaps you've overlooked one of the key aspects of this activity. It's ball *boys*, not ball men. There are no ball men."
KRAMER,Well there ought to be ball men.,JERRY,"All right I'll talk to her. If you want to be a ball man go ahead, break the ball barrier. (Elaine drinks straight out of the orange juice container) Hey."
GEORGE,Yes well unfortunately you'll never get the chance to find out.,JERRY,But I thought things were going great.
GEORGE,Yeah so did I.,JERRY,Did she say why?
GEORGE,"No. She tried to give me the ""it's not you, it's me"" routine.",JERRY,But that's your routine.
GEORGE,She must have seen me eating it on TV.,JERRY,So she sees you with hot fudge on your face and she ends it? You really think she would be that superficial?
GEORGE,Why not. I would be.,JERRY,"Hello... Oh hi dad... You saw him?... Really with the ice cream?... All right I'll talk to you later, bye."
GEORGE,You're parents saw me on TV?,JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,Can we move on?,JERRY,He thinks Gwen broke up with him because she saw him eating the ice cream on TV.
KRAMER,Well she should be the one that shouldn't go.,JERRY,"Well if a couple breaks up and have plans to go to a neutral place, who withdraws? What's the etiquette?"
KRAMER,Excellent question.,JERRY,"I think she should withdraw. She's the breaker, he's the breakee. He needs to get on with his life."
ELAINE,I beg to differ.,JERRY,Really.
ELAINE,He's the *loser*. She's the victor. To the victor belong the spoils.,JERRY,"Well I don't care, I don't want to go anyway. I don't want to fight that traffic on Friday night."
ELAINE,Well we can take the car service from my office.,JERRY,Really?
KRAMER,"All right, I'll see you later.",JERRY,Okay.
GEORGE,"""To the victor goes the spoils."" What are you going to do tonight?",JERRY,Oh I got a date with Laura the lineswoman.
GEORGE,Oh. (he stands there),JERRY,Why? (George fiddles with the lock on the door.) Well what are you doing?
GEORGE,Well I was just going to wander the streets. Don't wanna tag along with you or anything.,JERRY,"Oh, uh, do you want to come with us?"
LAURA,They never have napkins there.,JERRY,Let's get the check. (Waves in the air) Is this uh considered signing? Do you do this when you want the check?
LAURA,(does the same thing Jerry is doing) Yea.,JERRY,"Really. I know a sign, that's my first sign."
GEORGE,They're breaking up? How do you know?,JERRY,She reads lips.
GEORGE,"(Holding his drink up to his mouth) Oh my gosh, I just had a great idea. She could come to the party tomorrow and read Gwen's lips for me.",JERRY,(Puts his hand over his mouth) What?
GEORGE,"(Puts nuts into his mouth, and in the process covers his mouth) We bring her to the party, and she can tell me what Gwen is saying about me.",JERRY,"(Holds his drink up to his mouth) She's not a novelty act, George. Where you hire her out for weddings and bar mitzvas."
GEORGE,"(Puts his hands on his face, rubbing his eyes) Look. It's a skill, just like juggling. She probably enjoys showing it off.",JERRY,(Puts his napkin over his mouth) I don't know George. I'm not sure about this.
GEORGE,"(Puts his arms in the air, stretching, and covers his mouth with an arm) Could you ask her, just ask her. If she says no, case closed.",JERRY,(Puts his hand on his chin over his mouth) All right.
LAURA,Sure. I'll do it.,JERRY,So I really had a good time.
LAURA,"Yeah, me too.",JERRY,So you want to go to the party on Friday night?
LAURA,Yeah.,JERRY,"All right, we're taking a car service. So we'll swing by and pick you up. How about six? (Laura looks offended). Six is good. (Laura looks offended and angry). You got a problem with six? (Laura opens the door and gets out). What? What?"
KRAMER,Oh I'll be up for it punk.,JERRY,"See I was saying ""six"" but she thought I was saying ""sex"". We straightened the whole thing out though."
GEORGE,"She confused ""six"" with ""sex""?",JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,"Well if she can't tell ""six"" from ""sex"" then how is she going to lip read from across the room?",JERRY,"Well ""six"" and ""sex"" are close."
GEORGE,"It's two completely different sounds. ""ih"" and ""eh"".",JERRY,Eh.
GEORGE,It seems like a problem.,JERRY,Well I'm not dating any other deaf women.
KRAMER,Hey guess who's going to be the new ball man for the finals.,JERRY,You're kidding.
GEORGE,"Oh, when is that car service coming?",JERRY,"In five minutes. He's then going to pick us up, then we're going to pick up Elaine, and Laura is going to meet us there."
GEORGE,If this lip reading thing works tonight do you know how incredible this is going to be? It's like having Superman for your friend.,JERRY,I know. It's like X-ray vision.
NEWMAN,"Hey, hey, hey. (to Jerry) I hear you've got some lip reader working for you. You gotta let me use her for one day. Just one day.",JERRY,Can't do it Newman.
NEWMAN,"But Jerry, we've got this new supervisor down at the post office. He's working behind this glass. I know they're talking about me. They're going to transfer me, I know it. Two hours, give me two hours.",JERRY,It's not going to happen.
NEWMAN,"(Sinister) All right, all right. All right you go ahead. You go ahead and keep it secret. But you remember this. When you control the mail, you control... information.",JERRY,Uh just pull over right there by the stop sign.
DRIVER,(The same driver as before) Pardon me sir?,JERRY,I said pull over by the stop sign.
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,ca.
DRIVER,Get out. Get out. Go on. Hey. Shut the door.,JERRY,You know the whole idea of taking the car service was so I wouldn't have to fight the traffic on Friday night.
TODD,(to George) Hey buddy.,JERRY,Hey Todd.
KRAMER,"""Hi Gwen, hi tide.""",JERRY,Hi tide?
ELAINE,She's so wild. Can I borrow her for a few hours tomorrow afternoon?,JERRY,No. If I lend her to you I'll have to lend her to everybody.
ELAINE,It's so amazing getting to see Monica Seles playing in the finals.,JERRY,I know and on the first tournament of her comeback.
DRIVER,Oh. (Very suspicious look on his face.),JERRY,"I've always been a big fan of the little check move. You know (does the motion for the check) Check, Check. Unless the waiter isn't too shape then you gotta total it up. Sometimes they come over, ""Do you want the check?"" No I wanna be pen pals, can't you see what I'm doing here? I'm trying to be cool and impress people."
GEORGE,Fantastic!,JERRY,I told ya. How good is this?
GEORGE,Good.,JERRY,How good?
GEORGE,Very good.,JERRY,I know it.
ELAINE,They put real blue berries in this. And there's real blue berries. What kind did you get?,JERRY,"Coffee. And they grind up the coffee beans, and put it in."
ELAINE,Let me test-taste that. (tastes Jerry's yogurt),JERRY,Huh? Huh?
ELAINE,Hmm! Rico!,JERRY,Suave! And it's non-fat!
ELAINE,"All right, let's just forget it.",JERRY,"You know, Kramer's gonna clean up on this place."
GEORGE,What do you mean?,JERRY,He invested in it.
GEORGE,No kidding?,JERRY,Yeah. We've been coming here everyday. This is so fuck(bleeped)ing good.
MARYEDITH,Jerry!,JERRY,"Oh, I'm sorry."
GEORGE,"Oh, god. Look who's here.",JERRY,Who is it?
GEORGE,This guy from my old neighborhood. Lloyd Braun. He's a big advisor to Mayor Dinkins. He thinks he's so cool.,JERRY,"Oh, oh.?"
LLOYD,Hi.,JERRY,Hi.
GEORGE,He's a jerk. (nudges to his right but no one is there),JERRY,"He's gone, George."
KRAMER,"So, there were a lot of people there, huh?",JERRY,"Oh, man, that yogurt place - you're going to make a fortune."
KRAMER,Yeah.,JERRY,They're doing an incredible business.
KRAMER,"Yeah, well, I told you to go in on it.",JERRY,How did you know?
KRAMER,"Well, I tasted it at the one downtown. It's got a remarkable texture. You'd never know it was non-fat.",JERRY,(answering the buzzer) Yeah?
ELAINE,(on the buzzer) Buzz me.,JERRY,"Hey, I had the show of my life last night. I ad-libbed like ten new minutes."
KRAMER,"Yeah, but did you tape it?",JERRY,"(pulling out a tape from his pocket) Vvvvup. Right there. I got it. I did this thing on the Ottoman Empire. Like, what was this? A whole empire based on putting your feet up?"
KRAMER,Yes!,JERRY,"I'm telling you, I got like a whole new Tonight Show here."
KRAMER,Hey!,JERRY,What's the matter?
ELAINE,"Oh, I was having lunch, and I bit down on the fork.",JERRY,"Boy, it's hard to believe - with all that biting experience - a person could still make a mistake like that."
KRAMER,"Yeah, you look like you put on (holds his hands out) five, (holds his hands wider) ten pounds.",JERRY,Kramer!
KRAMER,"I'll tell you something else, you're looking a little chunky yourself, buddy.",JERRY,Me?
KRAMER,Yeah.,JERRY,No.
ELAINE,"Where's your bathroom scale? (Jerry looks at her like 'where do you think?' Elaine and Jerry both go into the bathroom) Oh my god, I've gained seven pounds.",JERRY,I've gained eight.
ELAINE,"Oh, my god! A couple, but 7 pounds. How did I gain 7 pounds?",JERRY,How did I gain eight?
ELAINE,"I don't get it. I, I've been doing the same exercises. I haven't been eating anything different.",JERRY,"Me, either. Wait a second. Wait a second. Maybe it's that yogurt."
KRAMER,"No, no, no. That's hundred percent non-fat.",JERRY,"Well, how else could this have happened?"
KRAMER,You don't eat Oreos? (acts out eating Oreos) The way you break them open? You're (does a bunch of licking motions) ~ practically having sex with them.,JERRY,What about me?
KRAMER,You? You're getting old.,JERRY,Maybe your yogurt isn't so non-fat.
ELAINE,"Jerry, there's got to be a way to find that out.",JERRY,There must be some kind of lab that would do that kind of thing.
KRAMER,"Hey, I'll tell you what, Chubs, if that yogurt has fat in it, I will put myself on an all-yogurt diet for a week.",JERRY,"Well, let's start the insanity."
ELAINE,"Uh-huh. Okay, well, we're coming down. All right. (hangs up the phone) Okay. I got a place that can analyze it. It's in Brooklyn. We have to drive there.",JERRY,And they said they can do it?
ELAINE,"Yeah, it's forty-five bucks.",JERRY,"All right. Let's go down to the yogurt store, and we'll get a specimen."
MARYEDITH,"Well, I hope you're satisfied.",JERRY,What?
MARYEDITH,"Every word out of my son's mouth now is *beep*(fuck), *beep*(fuck), *beep*(fuck). (Jerry half turns and puts his head done for a second) You know what he said to me five minutes ago? Where's my *beep*(fuck)ing cupcake?",JERRY,"Gee, I'm really sorry."
MARYEDITH,He wants to be like you because you're a comedian. Maybe you could talk to him?,JERRY,I'd be happy to.
MARYEDITH,Thank you.,JERRY,"Ah, Mary, we've been eating a lot of your husband's uh yogurt at the yogurt place - does that have any fat in it?"
NEWMAN,"Well, I wouldn't hear of it. I said, ""Nice try, granny!"" And I sent her to the back of the line!",JERRY,"Hello, Newman."
OWNER,"Hey, Seinfeld. I'd appreciate it if you'd stop using obscenities around my son, huh?",JERRY,It was an accident. I'm going to talk to him.
ELAINE,"Hurry, Jerry! Hurry!",JERRY,How's it doing?
KRAMER,"Well, you can't have this tested now. It's melting.",JERRY,So what.
KRAMER,It changes the molecules.,JERRY,"Oh, you don't know what you're talking about."
KRAMER,"Hey, fatso! I got a 90 in biology.",JERRY,You call me fatso one more time; you're going to be walking back.
KRAMER,Ooh! Test tubes. Cool!,JERRY,What do you got there?
LAB TECHNICIAN,"Actually, this is Mr. Giuliani's blood. We're doing a cholesterol work up on it.",JERRY,Oh.
KRAMER,"Well, the pleasure's all mine.",JERRY,You can't take that chemist out.
KRAMER,Why not?,JERRY,Because she's like the jury. She's going to be sequestered.
KRAMER,I'm not taking her out just to influence the results.,JERRY,"Well, I think the whole thing stinks."
ELAINE,It smells. Smells bad. Smells really bad.,JERRY,That's enough.
ELAINE,What?,JERRY,With the smelling.
GEORGE,"So, he made an appointment for me to see Dinkins' doctor. He's just trying to humiliate me.",JERRY,Uh-huh.
GEORGE,"And I have to go. If I don't go, he'll know I'm lying.",JERRY,"Well, so, what are you going to do? Sit in the doctor's office doing this? (moves his arm) He's gonna think you're a mental patient."
GEORGE,Hey,JERRY,Hey.
ELAINE,"All right, well, then what if we become a couple, George? Every time we see you you're going to be walking around going like this? (moving her arm) Even you can't keep that up.",JERRY,"No, I believe he can."
MARYEDITH,Hi!,JERRY,Hi!
MARYEDITH,See!,JERRY,"Listen, Matthew, I-I want to explain something to you. Now, cursing is not something that most comedians do."
MATTHEW,You did it.,JERRY,"That's true. But it was an accident. And I haven't done it since. And I would never do it again. And if you continue cursing, you'll never become a comedian like me when you grow up. (phone rings) Excuse me one second."
ELAINE,He tells him which soap to use.,JERRY,(quickly moves over toward Matthew) What the *beep*(fuck) are you doing? You little piece of *beep*(shit)!
ELAINE,"Three days and he hasn't called me, and you know why? Because he thinks I'm too fat.",JERRY,(surprised) He said that?
KRAMER,"Hey! So, hear anything on the yogurt?",JERRY,"No, but I expect to hear anytime."
KRAMER,"Well, I wouldn't get your hopes up.",JERRY,Why do you say that?
KRAMER,He's proposing a plan where everyone in the city should wear name tags.,JERRY,Name tags?
KRAMER,"Yeah! So people can go around saying ""hello"" to one another.",JERRY,"Oh, I see. So you can go, ""Hey, you know who I saw wilding today? Herb!"""
KRAMER,He's become the laughing stock! You know The Times has already stated it could cost him the election. (laughing) Name tags!,JERRY,"(on the phone) Hello? Yes. Uh-huh. Ya. Oh, really? Okay, thank you very much. Bye-bye. (hangs up the phone) Well, the yogurt verdict is in. (Kramer looks at Jerry with his arms out) Fat!"
ELAINE,"Jerry, come on, look. Let's go over to that yogurt store.",JERRY,"Look, Elaine, I've been thinking about this. This has got to be a massive conspiracy. Who knows how deep it goes. Hey, look, wait a second, (looking at the TV) Kramer, turn that up."
GIULIANI,"It's hard to understand. Because I've been doing everything I normally do. I've been watching my diet very carefully. I exercise regularly. My only indulgence, I guess, would be that I eat a lot of frozen yogurt. But it's non-fat.",JERRY,"Non-fat yogurt? Oh, my god. They got Giuliani and he doesn't even know it."
ELAINE,(pointing to Kramer) Now look what you've done.,JERRY,"Well, we've got to do something. (grabs his phone) I'm calling Giuliani's headquarters."
GIULIANI,"My campaign staff has received some very disturbing information regarding the fat content in yogurt that's being sold throughout the city. I pledge to you now, that if I'm elected mayor, as my first order of business I'll appoint a special task force to investigate this matter. I promise you, my fellow New Yorkers, that Mayor Giuliani will do everything possible to cleanse this city of this falsified non-fat yogurt.",JERRY,"The old yogurt was so much better. Oh, this is terrible."
KRAMER,"Mine, too. I got one more day.",JERRY,I can't eat this.
NEWMAN,"(from the corner of the Yogurt shop) Hey, Jerry. Thanks a lot. I hope you're happy.",JERRY,"It had fat in it, it's not good for you."
ELAINE,"Hey, you guys, listen to this. Listen to this. (reading from the newspaper) Apparently some blood spilled into Mr. Giuliani's test tube causing his cholesterol count to be 150 points higher than was initially reported. Ironically, the mishap by bringing the non-fat yogurt scandal to the attention of the public, probably clinched the election for the Republican. It was the one issue which seemed to electrify the voters and swept Giuliani into office.",JERRY,"So, in effect, the yogurt won him the election."
MATTHEW,"(hits Jerry to get his attention) Thanks for ruining my daddy's business, you fat *beep*(fuck).",JERRY,"The old-fashioned barber shop is unfortunately becoming a thing of the past, now what went wrong? Well first of all there's a twenty thousand dollar chair to make a three dollar tip. I say cut back on the chair, update the magazines. Why do barbers always display that license? There's no laws in hair cutting, except show every person the back of their head that's the one law. I don't want to see the back of my head. Why do I want to see something that I'm never going to see at any other time? When I buy pants two salesmen don't lift me up by the legs and go ""how do you like crotch?"" If I wanted to see everything I would have been a fly."
GEORGE,That's it.,JERRY,What do you mean that's it?
GEORGE,"He never finished the sentence. He got a call, that was the end of the interview.",JERRY,"""Of course"" was the last thing he said?"
ELAINE,"""I want you to have this job, of course the Board of Directors is under indictment and will be serving time.""",JERRY,"""I want you to have this job, of course sodomy is a prerequisite."""
GEORGE,Because he made a big deal about how I understand everything immediately. That's what impressed him.,JERRY,"So if you call and ask if you have the job, you might lose the job."
GEORGE,And if I don't call...,JERRY,"You might have the job, but you'll never know it. What kind of company is it?"
GEORGE,Hey,JERRY,Hey
KRAMER,Hey.,JERRY,Shower?
KRAMER,Haircut.,JERRY,Oh.
KRAMER,I'm very happy with this.,JERRY,Who'd you use? Gino?
KRAMER,The uncle Enzo. That's the guy Jerry uses.,JERRY,Well I've been going with him for 12 years. I can't switch. I'd hurt his feelings.
KRAMER,You can get a good one today. It's Enzo's day off. Gino's there all by himself.,JERRY,Really?
KRAMER,And you didn't ask me to do it? I could raise enough money to cure polio.,JERRY,I believe they've had a cure for polio for quite some time.
ELAINE,Will you go ahead? You need a haircut.,JERRY,Okay.
ENZO,Oh Jerry.,JERRY,Oh hi Enzo.
ENZO,"Oh, you've come for the haircut.",JERRY,"No, actually I was just gonna..."
ENZO,"It's my day off, but I take care of you anyway because you're my favorite customer. You've been with me for so long. You're so loyal.",JERRY,"Well I, if it's your day off I really... (tries to leave)"
ENZO,"(He pulls Jerry into the barber chair. Jerry is trying to get away but can't.) Eh, what's the difference. It takes 10 minutes. Jerry, today I'm going to do something special for you.",JERRY,Well I don't want to take too much off.
GEORGE,He massacred you.,JERRY,I know.
GEORGE,You look like you're five years old.,JERRY,What if I shampoo? Sometimes a shampoo helps.
GEORGE,You've got to start seeing someone else. Get out of this relationship.,JERRY,I can't. He loves me. He says I'm his most loyal customer. Plus he's right there on the corner. I'd have to pass him every day when I go by.
GEORGE,"Well, you gotta do it.",JERRY,"I can't, I can't. I'd break his heart."
KRAMER,No way my Gino did that. It's an Enzo.,JERRY,He was in the shop. I thought you told me he wasn't going to be there.
KRAMER,So what?,JERRY,I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
KRAMER,His feelings? You can't continue seeing him. You're destroying yourself.,JERRY,Yea but...
KRAMER,I'm not going to let you. If you don't call him I will.,JERRY,"No, no Kramer. I don't want you to do that. You can't do that."
KRAMER,"I'm going to call Gino, you're going to see him, and we're going to get that haircut fixed up.",JERRY,I don't want you to call him.
GEORGE,So I still haven't heard about that job.,JERRY,Yeah that's a tough one. What are you going to do about that?
GEORGE,I have an idea.,JERRY,Yeah?
GEORGE,I show up.,JERRY,What do you mean you show up?
GEORGE,"I show up. I pretend I have the job. The guy's on vacation. If I have the job, it's fine. If I don't have the job, by the time he comes back, I'm ensconced.",JERRY,Hmm. Not bad.
GEORGE,What's the worst thing that could happen?,JERRY,"Well, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated in front of a large group of people and have to walk out in shame with your tail between your legs."
GEORGE,"Yeah, so?",JERRY,"Yeah, I see what you mean. I forgot who I was dealing with here."
"(A moment later, the clock flips to 5",00.),JERRY,So what did you do there all day?
GEORGE,They gave me the Pensky file.,JERRY,So it's a nice place to work?
GEORGE,"(continuing) I feel like a family. In fact, yesterday was Grace's birthday. She's such a sweet woman so, we had a little party, with cake and champagne. I made a toast.",JERRY,What about your boss? The guys you interviewed you?
GEORGE,He'll be back on Monday.,JERRY,Hi.
ELAINE,Hi. How come you're wearing a hat?,JERRY,I got a haircut.
ELAINE,Oh yeah? Can I see it?,JERRY,Oh there's nothing to see.
ELAINE,Come on. Let me see it.,JERRY,Forget it.
ELAINE,Come on.,JERRY,All right.
ELAINE,"(still laughing, tears in her eyes) I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.",JERRY,"Well I'll tell you this, you can forget about me going to that bachelor auction."
KRAMER,Hey.,JERRY,Hey
ELAINE,"Oh great, then you can go to the bachelor auction.",JERRY,"Yeah, but how am I..."
GINO,"Boy, you've got a beautiful head of hair.",JERRY,Oh. thank you.
GINO,"I bet uncle Enzo, he tell you that all the time.",JERRY,Well actually Enzo hasn't said that to me in a while.
GINO,I don't think Uncle Enzo realize what a lucky barber he is.,JERRY,That's nice of you to say.
ENZO,It looks very familiar.,JERRY,In the one minute he worked on me I could tell he was really good.
KRAMER,"Yeah. Slow, gentle, attentive.",JERRY,Yeah.
KRAMER,I told you he could do it.,JERRY,Enzo picked up one of my hairs off the floor.
KRAMER,"Yeah, so?",JERRY,I think he knew.
KRAMER,No. He doesn't know.,JERRY,Who do you know? He knows my hair.
KRAMER,Listen you're just imagining things. He doesn't know a thing. Now come on. Pull yourself together.,JERRY,"Okay, okay."
ELAINE,What happened? It looks the same.,JERRY,He didn't get to finish it. His uncle came in. We almost got caught.
ELAINE,"Jerry, the auction is in a few hours.",JERRY,Take the K-man.
GINO,He knows. He knows about us.,JERRY,How do you know?
GINO,"Because I know. He's crazy. All morning, he looking at the hair. He staring at the hair.",JERRY,Who is it?
GINO,He was in the shop with Enzo. He can't see me here.,JERRY,"All right, go in the bedroom. Open the window. You can go out the fire escape."
NEWMAN,(dancing) Can I use your bathroom?,JERRY,What's wrong with yours?
NEWMAN,My toilet's clogged.,JERRY,You can't unclog it?
NEWMAN,No.,JERRY,Did you ask Kramer?
NEWMAN,He's out.,JERRY,Number one?
NEWMAN,"Yes, yes. May I go? Cause I gotta go very badly.",JERRY,All right. Flush twice.
NEWMAN,(thinking to himself; checks a comb) No. (checks a brush) Jackpot. I don't believe this. There's no hair in this thing. I've never seen a person that didn't have at least one hair in a brush.,JERRY,All right?
NEWMAN,"Yeah, yeah.",JERRY,"All right, I'll see you later."
NEWMAN,What are you doing?,JERRY,I'm watching Edward Scissorhands.
NEWMAN,"Oh, can I watch a little? Cuz it's my favorite movie.",JERRY,Yeah all right.
NEWMAN,No. No.,JERRY,"If you want to watch, sit down. You're making me nervous. I tell you this Scissorhands is a hell of a barber."
ELAINE,"Oh, Kramer. Okay uh, why don't we start the bidding. Do I hear, um, five bucks?",JERRY,"I don't get this Scissorhands. What, is he supposed to be like a super hero, like Green Lantern or somebody? What's with this guy? (Gino looks at him annoyed) Just asking."
ENZO,(yelling) Enzo Manginero.,JERRY,"Oh my god, he knows. (Jerry and Gino scrambling) Go. (yelling to the door) One second."
ENZO,It was you that was in Gino's apartment the other night.,JERRY,No I wasn't there. (enters and slams the door)
ENZO,Don't lie. I know it was you. I get a sample of your hair. I match them up.,JERRY,"Sample? (under his breath) Newman. Uh, I was there but I was just dropping off a book."
[Setting,Night club],JERRY,"If there's a serial killer lose in your neighborhood, it seems like the safest thing is to be the neighbor. They never kill the neighbor. The neighbor always survives to do the interview afterwards. Right? ""Oh, he was kind of quiet."" I love these neighbors. They're never disturbed by the sounds of murdering, just stereo. Chain saws, people screaming, fine. Just keep the music down. And all these women who always fall in love with the serial killer. They write to him in prison. Here's a woman that's hard to disappoint. I guess she's only upset when she finds out he's stopped killing people and she goes ""You know sometimes I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore""."
[setting,Elaine's office and Jerry's apartment],JERRY,No eight years isn't such a long streak.
ELAINE,It isn't?,JERRY,No I haven't vomited in thirteen years.
ELAINE,Get out!,JERRY,"Not since June 29, 1980."
ELAINE,You remember the date?,JERRY,"Yes, because my previous vomit was also June 29th... 1972. That's why during the '80 vomit, I was yelling to George ""Can you believe it? I'm vomiting on June 29th again."""
ELAINE,"Boy, you know when Joel told me he hadn't thrown up in eight years, I was wondering if he was normal.",JERRY,No Elaine he's normal. Your boyfriend is a normal guy. He just happens to have the same name as one of the worst serial killers in the history of New-York.
ELAINE,"The whole city is talking about this monster Joel Rifkin, and I am dating a Joel Rifkin.",JERRY,But you like your Joel Rifkin.
ELAINE,Yeah. I just wish he has a different name.,JERRY,Ask him to change it.
ELAINE,You can't ask a person to change their name.,JERRY,Why not?
ELAINE,Would you change yours?,JERRY,If someone asked me nicely. I'm Claude Seinfeld.
ELAINE,"Hey, how many people did Rifkin strangle? Eighteen?",JERRY,Yeah. Eighteen strangles.
ELAINE,You think I should have asked George?,JERRY,Hey did you hear that George got back with Karen?
ELAINE,Karen?,JERRY,"Risotto. (we see a flashback from The Mango where Karen tells George that she feels full after a Risotto, as opposed to when she has sex with him)"
ELAINE,Oh! The Risotto broad.,JERRY,Yeah. He's really got a good thing with her. In fact I'm doubling with them tonight.
ELAINE,I tought you didn't like double dates.,JERRY,"George likes them, he feels it's a good personality showcase. He likes a date to see him with a friend so she can get a window into his nondate personality."
ELAINE,I've looked through that window and screamed at him to shut the blinds.,JERRY,"He feels he's funnier, more relaxed."
ELAINE,And you're taking...,JERRY,Jody the masseuse.
ELAINE,"Hey, did you get a massage yet?",JERRY,No! How many times do I have to go out with her before I get a massage?
ELAINE,"Jerry, she gives massages all day. She doesn't wanna to give them on dates.",JERRY,Yeah I know... She just wants to have sex.
ELAINE,So what?,JERRY,"So it's like going to Idhao and eating carrots. I like carrots, but I'm in Idhao, I want a potato."
JODI,Yeah. I heard you.,JERRY,(to Jody) My neck is killing me. Right in this spot. Very tender over here.
KAREN,I'm learning a lot about you tonight George. I've never seen you like this.,JERRY,(touching the back of his neck) It's like somebody's pulling on wires back here.
JODI,(to Jerry) Can we go?,JERRY,Yeah. Let's go.
KAREN,So soon? (they get up),JERRY,Yeah. Good seeing you again Karen.
[setting,Jerry's place later that night],JERRY,I strained my neck last night.
JODI,"Really, how?",JERRY,I tried brushing my teeth by holding the brush and moving my head from side to side. It didn't work.
JODI,So what's the deal with your friend George?,JERRY,No deal. Why?
JODI,"What was all that ""attractive women not getting tickets"" nonsense?",JERRY,"Oh well, he was just showcasing his nondate pesonality."
JODI,I don't know how you can hang out with that guy.,JERRY,Yeah. Sometimes he really makes me tense (he takes Jody's hand and put it on his shoulder)
JODI,Did you see the way that he was eating?,JERRY,"Yeah, he's disgusting. (putting her hand back on his shoulder. She unconsciously starts to massage a little while watching TV)"
JODI,"I have to tell you, I really don't like him.",JERRY,"Yeah, me either. (he takes her other hand and put it on his other shoulder)"
JODI,It's just I hate that type.,JERRY,"Yeah, he's a bad seed."
JODI,"Now you however, you, I like. (she stops massaging and kisses Jerry)",JERRY,What are you doing?
GEORGE,She stayed over?,JERRY,Yeah. (disappointed)
GEORGE,The sex wasn't so good?,JERRY,No. The sex was fabulous.
GEORGE,So?,JERRY,I want the massage!
GEORGE,Did you ask her?,JERRY,"I tried putting her hands there (on his neck) but she pulls it away immediately, she's not into it."
GEORGE,Why not?,JERRY,I guess 'cause it's her job. It's very frustrating.
GEORGE,So we had a good time... the four of us.,JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,We all got along. Everyone seemed very pleasant.,JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,What did Jodi say?,JERRY,She had a good time.
GEORGE,Is that it?,JERRY,Pretty much.
GEORGE,"Did she say anything about, uh...",JERRY,What?
GEORGE,Nah. It's all right. Great! She had a good time.,JERRY,Yeah (a so-so yeah as he takes a sip of coffee)
GEORGE,You just hesitated.,JERRY,I was blowing on the coffee.
GEORGE,She didn't like me?,JERRY,Look it's not like you're gonna be spending a lot of time with her.
GEORGE,So she doesn't like me?,JERRY,No.
GEORGE,She said that?,JERRY,Yes.
GEORGE,She told you she doesn't like me!,JERRY,Yes.
GEORGE,What were her exact--,JERRY,"""I don't like him."""
GEORGE,Uh-Huh (gulp) Why didn't she like me?,JERRY,Not everybody likes everybody!
GEORGE,I tried to be nice. I wasn't nice?,JERRY,You were very nice!
GEORGE,I bent over backwards for that woman! Is it that thing I said about her sister?,JERRY,It has nothing to do with her sister.
GEORGE,You vomited in 1987.,JERRY,Oh no. That was the dry heaves.
GEORGE,Ha! Ha! Hey! (moving his arms like it's so great to be all here),JERRY,What are you doing here?
JODI,I was giving Kramer a massage.,JERRY,Kramer! (tries to hide he's upset and jealous)
GEORGE,Please give it to me. I love to help people. This is what I do. Come on. I'm going this way. (he takes the table from Jodi's hands and she has no choice but to follow him),JERRY,I'll see you tonight. (he's opening his door apartment as Kramer comes out of his in a bathrobe)
KRAMER,Hey! I am looser than creamed corn!,JERRY,Who told you to get a massage from her. I haven't gotten a massage from her yet!
KRAMER,"(Kramer is talking much more slowly and smoother than usual) First she sets the mood perfectly with this new age music played over ocean sounds. Then she lays you out on this table, and she proceeds to rub oil over your entire body. And she rubs long... and deep... Jerry, she rubs with love. (Jerry is obviously cutting much harder than the cheese needs it as he listens to Kramer) Every muscles she touches just... (long pause) ooo-zz-es. Beneath those silky, soft fingers, you can scarcely contain yourself, buddy. (Jerry slams down the knife and goes to the couch)",JERRY,So you had a good time.
KRAMER,Oh... yeah...,JERRY,Enjoyed yourself.
KRAMER,Very... much...,JERRY,All right now you listen and you listen good! (he grabs Kramer's legs and throws him down the couch)
KRAMER,What! (Kramer is back to his usual way of speaking),JERRY,The massages are out!
KRAMER,Wha--,JERRY,Ahh!!! They're out!
KRAMER,Why?!,JERRY,"Because if I can't get one, you're not getting one."
KRAMER,Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I need my massages! Can't you see I'm burned out!,JERRY,"I'm sorry, Kramer. (he goes back to the kitchen)"
KRAMER,"Why? Why? Look, I paid for her. (Jerry stops walking)",JERRY,Don't you ever talk about her like that!
KRAMER,But why?,JERRY,That's final!!!
KRAMER,"Oh, God.",JERRY,What's the matter with you?
KRAMER,"Jerry, I need another massage!",JERRY,You just had one yesterday. What do you need another one for?
KRAMER,"Because of the Giant game! I told you, It went overtime! You know what those seats are like. They're very unforgiving.",JERRY,Oh please.
KRAMER,"And then the game-winning field goal went over the net and into the crowd and I dove over three rows! My back, it's killing me! (whining) It's killing me Jerry!",JERRY,"Well, did you get the ball?"
KRAMER,Oh I got the ball.,JERRY,"Well, I never even caught a foul ball at a baseball game."
KRAMER,"Well, It's quite a thrill.",JERRY,Why don't you get somebody else?
KRAMER,Because nobody does it like she does. She's the best.,JERRY,"Well, that's it! Tonight's the night. I'm getting one. No ""if and's or but's""."
KRAMER,What about my massage?,JERRY,(whining like Kramer) Ask Newman.
JODI,Hey.,JERRY,Hi.
JODI,Hi. (kiss) I was running late and I didn't have a chance to drop off my stuff before I came over.,JERRY,"Ah, no problem. That's fine."
JODI,What's with this music?,JERRY,"That's new age music. Sounds of the forest. I find it soothing. Hey, look at this! What do you know? A massage table! This is great! (he starts to install the table)"
JODI,What are you doing?,JERRY,Just checking it out. Look at how this thing is made. Can I tell you something? That's a hell of a piece of equipment.
JODI,"Actually, I should get a new one.",JERRY,"No, nonsense. This one's fine. (as he sits on the table)"
JODI,"So, where do you wanna go? (as she puts her hand on his shoulder)",JERRY,"Go? Why go anywhere? (as he places his hand over hers. She starts to massage his shoulders a little) Ahh, that feels good. Yeah. That's, uh... That's good. (he tries to go further. He grabs her hands over his shoulders and he lies down on the table on his chest) Yeah, that's nice. That's very nice."
JODI,"(she stops massaging) No. No, this isn't good. I can't do this.",JERRY,"Why, what's wrong? (he grabs her hands and force her to keep them on his shoulders)"
JODI,I can't (she tries harder to pull her hands away),JERRY,No. Yes you can. (he hangs on)
JODI,"No, I can't!",JERRY,Come on! I know it's something you wanna do! (she pulls harder and he falls right off the table)
[setting,back to Jerry's],JERRY,"What do you mean, no?"
JODI,No means no.,JERRY,"Look, who are you kidding? You come up to my apartment with your table and your little oils, and I'm not supposed to expect anything? You're a massage teaser."
JODI,"Listen. I massage who I want, when I want. I don't submit to forcible massage. (he tries desperately to get her hands on his shoulders again but she pulls them away immediately) I'm getting out of here.",JERRY,Fine. Go.
GEORGE,"Jerry, could you excuse us for a few minutes, please?",JERRY,What for?
GEORGE,We need to talk.,JERRY,You need to talk?
GEORGE,Look it's no secret what's going on between us. (to Jerry) She doesn't like me. Now Jerry if you don't mind.,JERRY,"George, anything you have to say to her, you can say in front of me."
GEORGE,(he makes a sign to Jodi to wait and turns to Jerry) Jerry... This woman hates me so much. I'm starting to like her.,JERRY,What?
GEORGE,She just dislikes me so much... It's irresistable.,JERRY,I can see that.
JODI,I'm getting out of here. (to Jerry) Don't call me.,JERRY,Don't worry. (she leaves)
GEORGE,A woman that hates me this much comes along once in a lifetime.,JERRY,You're a lucky guy.
GEORGE,I got to go after her.,JERRY,George. I wouldn't push for the massage. (George nods)
GEORGE,JODI! (he starts running after her),JERRY,"The swedish are very big massagers. You know? They like the swedish meatballs, swedish massage. They like having meat in their hands these people, for some reason. But it's weird because they have the highest suicide rate, they're rubbing each other's necks all the time for a neutral country they seem kinda tense. I don't really like the idea of getting a professional massage. I don't want people touching me that don't know me and don't want to have sex with me. You know what are you bothering me for? You get me all loosened up, juices flowing, and then that's it ok, you're done. It's like having chocolate rubbed all over your face, you know you wanna go ""Excuse me, I think you missed a spot."""
ELAINE,(sniffing) Dandruff?,JERRY,"Yeah, that's part of it. (sniffs) Kasha?"
ELAINE,There's some kasha.,JERRY,"Yeah. Dandruff, kasha, mothballs, cheap carpeting. It's pot pourri, really."
GEORGE,Now my parents are gonna know I had people over.,JERRY,You're not allowed to have people over?
GEORGE,(yells) Wow! Who put this cup right on the new table!,JERRY,"(picks it up) I was having coffee, I put it on the coffee table."
ELAINE,(impatient) Come on!,JERRY,What's the big rush?
ELAINE,I'm having people over.,JERRY,Who?
ELAINE,"The girls for poker night. You know, Joanne, Renee, Winona...",JERRY,"Eh, eh, ah. Winona's gonna be there?"
ELAINE,Yeah. And she broke up with the vitamin guy.,JERRY,(interested) Really?
ELAINE,I'll put in a good word for you.,JERRY,"Thanks, because I would really like... (distractedly puts coffee cup back on the table)"
GEORGE,(screaming) Aaahh!!,JERRY,"Alright, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. (picks it up again)"
GEORGE,"But Jerry, this is not coming out!",JERRY,Just put a coffee table book over it.
KRAMER,"Alright, we'll take the subway.",JERRY,There you go. That'll get you home in time.
GEORGE,"Alright, Jerry, I'm gonna get my coat.",JERRY,"I'm sorry Elaine, I'll make it up to you."
ELAINE,I need something to read on the subway.,JERRY,"(handing her a magazine) Here, read this."
RICKY,He's not? (thoughtful) Interesting.,JERRY,"Hey, maybe I should get Elaine something."
GEORGE,Why?,JERRY,"Ah, you know, I didn't drive her home. Plus, I give her a gift in front of Winona, how does that hurt me?"
GEORGE,Can't hurt you.,JERRY,"What about, what about this thing?"
GEORGE,The Indian?,JERRY,"Yeah. You know, kind of a peace offering. Cute."
GEORGE,"(sensing his chance) Well, they do now. Neighborhood's changing.",JERRY,"Alright, I'll take it."
ELAINE,Jerry!,JERRY,Surprise! (he carries in the object)
ELAINE,What is this?,JERRY,"Well, I felt bad about this afternoon, so I got you something."
THE GIRLS,Hi Jerry/Hello. (etc),JERRY,Hi. Hi Winona. Nice to see you again.
ELAINE,No.,JERRY,"I don't need a reason to give gifts, it's my nature. I love to make people happy."
THE GIRLS,Aww/That's so sweet. (general murmur of approval),JERRY,Are you ready?
ELAINE,Yeah.,JERRY,(whips off bag to reveal Indian) Ta-da!
ELAINE,(examines card; embarrassed) That's very nice. Thank you very much.,JERRY,Read it out loud.
ELAINE,"I, I don't think so.",JERRY,(takes the card from Elaine) We had a little fight this afternoon. (reading from card) Let's bury the hatchet. We smoke um peace pipe.
ELAINE,"I, uh, I don't blame you Winona. I, uh...",JERRY,"Hey-yah, ho-ah, hey-yah, ho-ah."
ELAINE,Are you out of your mind?!,JERRY,"...ho-ah. It's, it's, it's kitschy."
ELAINE,Winona is a Native American.,JERRY,She is?
WINONA (O.C.),Who is it?,JERRY,"Uh, Winona, it's Jerry Seinfeld."
WINONA,(unimpressed) Yeah?,JERRY,"Uhm, listen, I really felt bad about what happened, and I, I, I'd really like to apologise. Can I come up?"
WINONA,It's just that it's a very sensitive issue for me.,JERRY,"And well it should be. I think if you spent any time with me at all, you'd see I'm very sensitive to these matters as well. You wouldn't be hungry by any chance, wouldya?"
WINONA,(smiling) I guess I could go for a bite.,JERRY,"You like Chinese food, 'cos I once went to a great Szechwan restaurant in this neighbourhood. I don't remember the exact address... (he spots a mailman crouched emptying a box) Uh, excuse me, you must know where the Chinese restaurant is around here."
MAILMAN,"Why must I know? Because I'm Chinese? You think I know where all the Chinese restaurants are? (adopts hackneyed Chinese accent) Oh, ask honorable Chinaman for location of restaurant.",JERRY,"I asked because you were the mailman, you would know the neighbourhood."
MAILMAN,"Oh, hello American Joe. Which way to hamburger, hotdog stand? (storms away)",JERRY,I didn't know that...
WINONA,"You know, it's late. I should probably just go home.",JERRY,"I, I had no idea."
GEORGE,Looks pretty good.,JERRY,"Yeah, did a good job."
GEORGE,Yeah. I don't think they'll be able to tell.,JERRY,"You know, I don't get it. Not allowed to ask a Chinese person where the Chinese restaurant is! I mean, aren't we all getting a little too sensitive? I mean, someone asks me which way is Israel, I don't fly off the handle."
GEORGE,"So, anyway, what's uh, what's the status with, uh...",JERRY,"Ah, she kinda calmed down. I talked to her today. In fact I'm gonna see her tonight."
GEORGE,"Oh, great.",JERRY,"Yeah, but I'm a little uncomfortable. I'm afraid of making another mistake."
ESTELLE,Hello Jerry.,JERRY,Hello.
FRANK,"I'm missing TV Guide volume forty-one, number thirty-one.",JERRY,"Uh, Elaine took it to read on the subway."
GEORGE,I didn't know she took it!,JERRY,"Wa, it's two weeks old."
GEORGE,(to Jerry) He collects them.,JERRY,You collect TV Guide?
GEORGE,"I don't know, uh...",JERRY,I'll see you later. (he leaves with unseemly haste)
WINONA,"So, where are we gonna go eat?",JERRY,I thought we'd eat at the Gentle Harvest.
WINONA,"Ooh, I love that place, but it's usually so crowded. Can we get a table?",JERRY,"Ah, don't worry. I made reser... (catches himself)"
WINONA,You made what?,JERRY,"I uh, I uh, I arranged for the appropriate accommodations. And then, Knick tickets, floor seats."
WINONA,How did you get these?,JERRY,"Got 'em on the street, from a scal... (catches himself again)"
WINONA,From who?,JERRY,"A uh, one of those guys."
WINONA,What guys?,JERRY,"You know, the guys, that uh, they sell the tickets for the sold-out events."
WINONA,Oh.,JERRY,"Wait a second, you got the Mark McEwan TV Guide."
WINONA,That's Al Roker.,JERRY,"Oh well, they're both chubby weathermen. I get Dom Deluise and Paul Prudhoe mixed up too. Could I have this?"
WINONA,"Sure, take it.",JERRY,Thanks.
ELAINE,"Aah, so Mr Costanza was pretty mad, huh?",JERRY,Yeah. You almost ruined his life's work.
ELAINE,He collects (holds up magazine) these?,JERRY,Yeah.
ELAINE,"Wow! Alright, well I will personally go out to Queens and deliver his Al Roker TV Guide to him.",JERRY,What'ya do with the one you took?
ELAINE,I would be embarrassed to bring it up.,JERRY,"I thought it was a pretty good idea. It's about coffee tables, it's on a coffee table."
KRAMER,"Yeah, right, right, and on the cover is a built-in coaster. (clicks tongue) Alright, well I'm gonna go.",JERRY,Where you going?
KRAMER,"Well, I'm gonna go to the cigar stores. I'm gonna see if I can sell that Indian.",JERRY,My Indian?
WINONA,I like your place. It's very unassuming.,JERRY,"Well, why would I assume. I never assume. Leads to assumptions."
WINONA,"(laughs) Oh, by the way. That TV Guide I gave you, I need it back.",JERRY,Why?
WINONA,"Well, I'm doing a report on minorities in the media, and I wanted to use that interview with Al Roker.",JERRY,"Well, it's too late. I gave it to Elaine, and she's already on her way to give it to George's father."
WINONA,"Jerry, I really need it back. It, it is mine.",JERRY,"You can't give something and then take it back. I mean, what are you... (catches himself)"
WINONA,What?,JERRY,"A uh, a person that uh..."
WINONA,A person that what?,JERRY,"Well, a person that gives something and then they're dissatisfied and they wish they had, had never uh..."
WINONA,And?,JERRY,"...give, given it to the person that they originally gave it to."
WINONA,"You mean like, an Indian giver?!",JERRY,"I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with that term."
SYLVIA,He does?,JERRY,I don't know why we didn't think of this before. We just could call TV Guide.
ELAINE,I dunno.,JERRY,"Well, it's gonna make Mr Costanza very happy. (he hands the magazine to Elaine)"
ELAINE,I guess.,JERRY,What's the matter?
ELAINE,What d'you think is the matter? I've been assigned to work on Kramer's coffee table book.,JERRY,"It is a good idea, Elaine."
TANNOY (V.O.),"Next stop, Queensboro Plaza.",JERRY,You want a gyro?
[Subway train,moments later],JERRY,Elaine!
AL ROKER,He's not? Interesting. (gives a big grin),JERRY,"I was always excited as a kid, when that new TV Guide would come. Somehow when that front cover's nice and flat, seems like there's good fresh TV shows in. Then, as the weeks go by you start to hate the TV Guide. All the shows stink. Everything's getting all crumpled and ripped from being sat on, thrown across the room. TV Guide is always thrown, never handed, to another person. It's the world's most thrown reading material. 'Where's TV Guide?' (mimes throwing) 'There it is.' You know in the back of the TV Guide, they have a phone number, ninety-five cents a minute, they will give you the answers to the TV Guide crossword puzzle? My question is, if you can't do the TV Guide crossword puzzle, where are you coming across ninety-five cents?"
GEORGE,"Um, you know Im starting to think that maybe lobster isnt the way to go.",JERRY,Then he asked you out?
ELAINE,"We started to talk, and I told him that I jog, and then he put his hand on my heart.",JERRY,On your heart?
ELAINE,"Jerry, the man is a doctor.",JERRY,Doctor? Hes a podiatrist.
ELAINE,"So, its the same thing.",JERRY,Anyone can get into podiatry school. George got into podiatry school.
TAWNI,Hello.,JERRY,Oh hi.
TAWNI,Are you going to be stopping by later?,JERRY,"Yes, Ill be stopping."
TAWNI,"Ok, see you later.",JERRY,See you later. (to Elaine) Well we cant all be dating podiatrists. (Elaine laughs)
ELAINE,What?,JERRY,How did you get in?
GEORGE,Lobster.,JERRY,Looks like a swan.
ELAINE,"Latvian Orthodox? (gasps) Mmm, it is lobster.",JERRY,Shes limiting herself to Latvian Orthodox? Too bad.
GEORGE,I know. This was the only woman I never lied to. Well thats not entirely true.,JERRY,"Oh, whatever."
ELAINE,"Mmm, this is delicious.",JERRY,"Mmm, succulent."
GEORGE,"I cant. I met them. Theyre devout. You know, in the cab on the way over here, I actually thought about converting.",JERRY,To Latvian Orthodox?
GEORGE,Why not? What do I care?,JERRY,You know its not like changing toothpaste.
GEORGE,"King Edward. (snapping his fingers) King Edward, Jerry.",JERRY,Yeah well King Edward didnt live in Queens with Frank and Estelle Costanza.
ELAINE,I guess this one is my fault.,JERRY,Oh yeah.
TAWNI,"(kiss, kiss, kiss) Oh that was nice. Have you always been such a good kisser?",JERRY,"Oh I dont know. Not always. No I uh I had to work at it. When I was a kid all the kids would be out playing, I would be up in my room practicing my kissing."
TAWNI,Well it was worth it. (kiss) Ill be (kiss) right (kiss) back (kiss). Where are you going?,JERRY,To wash my hands. Theyre sticky from the orange.
TAWNI,Meet you back here?,JERRY,Right there.
KRAMER,Fungus.,JERRY,Exactly
ELAINE,So what did you say?,JERRY,I said I was coming down with the flu or something and I had to go home.
ELAINE,"I don't know, what were you doing opening her medicine cabinet?",JERRY,I didnt open it. It was open. I just nudged it a little.
ELAINE,You were snooping.,JERRY,I was not snooping. I did not break the seal. There was no breaking and entering. I wouldnt do that.
KRAMER,Big mistake.,JERRY,Why dont you ask that doctor what it is?
ELAINE,What? Now hes a doctor? Before he was a podiatrist.,JERRY,But thats what podiatrists do. They deal in fungus. Theyre knee- deep in fungus. This guy knows fungus.
KRAMER,Fungi.,JERRY,What?
GEORGE,"I cant believe how easy it is. Im virtually Orthodox. All I have to do is read a few books, memorize a few prayers, and Im in the club.",JERRY,Thats all there is to it.
GEORGE,Thats all there is to it. By Christmas day I will be Brother Costanza.,JERRY,And when is Brother Costanza planning on telling Mother Costanza?
GEORGE,Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence.,JERRY,Oh a slinky.
KRAMER,Sister Roberta gave it to me.,JERRY,Why did she give you that?
KRAMER,I think she liked me.,JERRY,What do you mean she liked you?
KRAMER,No. I think I picked up on a vibe.,JERRY,"You picked up on a vibe, from a nun."
KRAMER,"Yeah, Jerry Im telling you I have this power. And I have no control over it.",JERRY,Yea alright.
KRAMER,"Oh, that's my phone.",JERRY,Oh hi.
TAWNI,"Hi, I just wanted to stop by and see how you were feeling.",JERRY,(weakly) A little better. (fake cough)
TAWNI,If you need anything let me know.,JERRY,Okay.
TAWNI,Okay.,JERRY,All right.
TAWNI,Bye.,JERRY,Bye.
GEORGE,Story.,JERRY,Shes subletting Carols place for a month.
GEORGE,"Yea, she likes you.",JERRY,Yeah but theres a problem. I found a tube of a fungicide in her medicine cabinet.
GEORGE,So?,JERRY,So I dont know what shes using it for.
GEORGE,Well how do you even know its hers? Maybe it belonged to Carol. Did you see a name on the tube?,JERRY,I didnt even think to look.
GEORGE,Well take a look. It might not even belong to her.,JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,People always leave old things in their medicine cabinet.,JERRY,Yeah Ive got this old bottle of cough medicine.
GEORGE,I still have brill cream.,JERRY,Hi
TAWNI,Hi.,JERRY,Hi. Can I use your bathroom?
TAWNI,How are you doing in there?,JERRY,"Fine all done, just looking for the soap."
TAWNI,No soap?,JERRY,No I dont see it.
SISTER ROBERTA,"Good evening. I hope Im not disturbing you, but I found another toy I thought you might like.",JERRY,"Okay, Latvius was the son of which apostle? And Ill need that in the form of a question."
GEORGE,I dont know. I cant believe theyre making me take this test.,JERRY,"Hey, did you talk to the doctor?"
ELAINE,No.,JERRY,"All right, the next time you see him show him this. (He presents the bottle of fungicide.)"
ELAINE,You took her medicine.,JERRY,Not on purpose. I was hoping there would be a name on the tube. When are you seeing him again?
ELAINE,I dont know. We got into this whole thing about how podiatrists arent real doctors.,JERRY,How could you say that?
ELAINE,Its you fault. You just got me thinking.,JERRY,I was merely speaking extemporaneously.
ELAINE,Ive got nothing against the foot. Im pro-foot.,JERRY,Me too.
ELAINE,Do you think I should call him and apologize?,JERRY,Yes. Hes a doctor. (Elaine starts to leave. ) Wait a second. (Jerry puts the bottle of fungicide in Elaines purse.) (to George) What are you doing?
GEORGE,What does it look like Im doing?,JERRY,"(Reading words George wrote on his hand) ""Matthew, Luke, Paul"", what youre cheating on your conversion chest?"
KRAMER,I told you.,JERRY,What?
KRAMER,I told you she liked me.,JERRY,Who?
KRAMER,Sister Roberta.,JERRY,How do you know?
KRAMER,She told me. She said shes never had a man stir up all of these feelings inside of her. Shes questioning her faith. Shes thinking of leaving the church.,JERRY,Wow
FATHER-PRIEST,"Yes, yes I will help you. Listen very carefully. I want you to buy ten cloves of garlic, three quarts of vinegar, six ounces",JERRY,What is that stench? I got it. (He follows the smell to Kramers door) Ah hah.
KRAMER,Hey.,JERRY,Hey. What are you doing?
KRAMER,Ive got the Kavorka Jerry.,JERRY,The Kavorka? Whats that?
KRAMER,The lure of the animal. Im dangerous.,JERRY,What is this thing around your neck?
KRAMER,The priests theyre helping me. I just bathed in vinegar.,JERRY,You know youre funcifying the whole building.
KRAMER,Keep away Jerry. Keep away.,JERRY,"Kramer. (knock, knock, knock) Kramer."
TAWNI,Oh how you doing Jerry?,JERRY,Good. Whats the matter?
TAWNI,Im tired. I hardly slept last night with all this scratching. Bonkers was going crazy.,JERRY,Bonkers?
TAWNI,"My cat. Hes got this weird sort of skin condition. Some type of fungus, I couldnt find his medicine.",JERRY,Oh its your cat!
TAWNI,What?,JERRY,"Ooh, nothing."
ELAINE,Its right down here to the left. I will uh meet you right back here.,JERRY,Elaine its her cat. Her cat had the fungus. So I need the tube back.
KRAMER,Yeah yeah.,JERRY,"But once you put medicine in your medicine cabinet you're never using it again. Any medicine you're using, is on the sink. It's not really even a medicine cabinet, it's really like an ointment museum isn't it? It's like here's a saff from 1983, some cream from the 70s. But you want to keep it private, because a medicine cabinet is a place that reveals our weaknesses and it can really throw off the balance between two people that might be going out. Somebody peeks in there, ""Oh I see Mr. Perfect needs tough actin' Tinactin. Well I guess I'll be calling the shots in this relationship from now on."""
GEORGE,Id like a doggie bag for this please. (hands her plate to the waitress),JERRY,The whale is supposed to be such an intelligent animal. You know you always here about how they can communicate by song from miles away. How extensive their vocabulary is. I would say from the rate we are pushing the whales off the beach back into the ocean the words shore and close do not appear to be in their vocabulary. I would say if the whales concentrate a little less on the singing and a little more on approaching Quervo beach volleyball tournament. If you wanna maintain the brainy mammal image.
ELAINE,"No no, no no, don't don't, I beg you",JERRY,(eating pop corn) hmm I love this artificial flavoring I like it better than butter I think it's more consistent
JANE,you would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom,JERRY,what?
ELAINE,"I was begging her ""please! please!"" she was insane",JERRY,who do you think she is? how dare she? you want me to get the manager? too bad they don't have those old ladies walking around with flashlights anymore we'd flush her out
JANE,I don't know what she looks like,JERRY,I wonder where Elaine is sitting? I really wanted you to meet her she's supposed to be here tonight with her new boyfriend Tony
KRAMER,hey,JERRY,hey
KRAMER,"hey guy, can I use your phone in your bedroom?",JERRY,what's the matter with yours?
KRAMER,huh.. my batteries are dead,JERRY,"It's not one of those 976 calls, is it?"
KRAMER,"look come on, let me use it, 5 minutes, I'll pay you back huh?",JERRY,why do you do that?
ELAINE,I am never going back to the movies again,JERRY,"hey where were you last night? I looked for you, I didn't see you"
ELAINE,"I looked for you too, I was all the way over on the side",JERRY,oh with huh.. pretty boy.. Tony
ELAINE,yeah,JERRY,hey hey (fooling around with his collar)
ELAINE,"yeah, all right ok",JERRY,"Tony, hey hey (continues fooling)"
ELAINE,"that's nice. Listen, listen to this I am in the bathroom, right before the movie starts",JERRY,huh huh
ELAINE,I'm in the stall and there's no toilet paper,JERRY,no what?
ELAINE,toilet paper,JERRY,oh.. whoa..
ELAINE,so I ask this woman in the stall next to me for some and she refuses! ha ha,JERRY,well maybe she couldn't spare it
ELAINE,a square?,JERRY,"well, you know, sometimes a square is everything"
ELAINE,a ply?,JERRY,"Elaine, you cannot judge a person on a situation like that. I mean it's like asking for someone's canteen in the desert"
ELAINE,yeah,JERRY,it's battle conditions
ELAINE,"yeah, well I just hope I run into her again ok, cause I will never forget that flinty voice, it is tattooed in my brain if I hear it, watch out So listen what happened with Jane last night?",JERRY,oh.. Jane she uh.. she uh..
ELAINE,the four of us are going out Saturday right? That should be fun,JERRY,yeah that should be real fun
ELAINE,"you know what, it's getting late, can I call Tony?",JERRY,yeah
KRAMER,oh that wouldn't be very good,JERRY,"(on the phone) hey Andre, get the hell off the phone!"
ELAINE,"what, what is going on? what.. who is Andre?",JERRY,"Kramer's Andre, he's fooling around with these 976 numbers (Kramer walks out of the bedroom) hey I told you, I don't want you doing that on my phone"
KRAMER,"Jerry, I'm telling you, this phone sex thing is hilarious, like this woman Erika, here look (showing the ad in the newspaper). You gotta call her, the voice she uses..",JERRY,hey you know it's weird because that voice sounded a little familiar to me
KRAMER,"hey, you're hungry? Monk's?",JERRY,no I gotta go downtown
ELAINE,"oh wait, you're giving me a lift home right?",JERRY,yeah
ELAINE,"so listen, what happened last night with Jane?",JERRY,"oh uh nothing, she just.. choked on a jujube"
ELAINE,"you know I hate to tell you this, but it's time to defrost that freezer",JERRY,"I know, I just can't bring myself to do it meanwhile that freezer keeps getting smaller and smaller (she smiles) (Elaine looks at her watch) oh, don't wanna keep Tony waiting"
ELAINE,hey you got a problem with Tony?,JERRY,hunky.. Tony.. hey hey hey (fools around with his collar again)
ELAINE,"ok, Jerry, I would be going out with him no matter what he looked like",JERRY,of course you would
ELAINE,"oh yeah, oh.. like you're one to talk",JERRY,Elaine
ELAINE,what?,JERRY,different for a man
ELAINE,uh?,JERRY,we're expected to be superficial
ELAINE,I'm not being superficial,JERRY,"Elaine, he's a.. he's a male bimbo, he's a mimbo"
ELAINE,"he's not a mimbo, he's an exciting, charismatic man he just happened to have a perfect face",JERRY,and that's why you're going out with him
ELAINE,no it is not,JERRY,"you know, I think George has a non-sexual crush on him"
ELAINE,I think he does too,JERRY,"I mean, every time I see him, it's Tony this, Tony that. George is like a school girl around him"
GEORGE,alright alright,JERRY,yeah yeah what is it with you and Tony? what are you? it's like his sidekick now?
GEORGE,yeah that's right. I like it. He's such a cool guy,JERRY,"cool guy? what are you, in 8th grade?"
GEORGE,you better be careful on those rocks tomorrow buddy. And you're not getting any sandwiches either,JERRY,you're making sandwiches?
GEORGE,good thing I asked,JERRY,(to Kramer) who is it?
KRAMER,well she says Jane,JERRY,"yeah, so?"
KRAMER,"well that voice, it's very familiar.. throaty, almost flinty",JERRY,did you say flinty?
GEORGE & KRAMER,ahh.....!!,JERRY,oh look at that I got oil all over me. Can I have your napkin?
JANE,what?,JERRY,you napkin I'm dripping
JANE,well where is your napkin?,JERRY,I used it up
JANE,"well I need mine (looks at her watch) oh god loot at the time, I gotta get to work",JERRY,you know I'd like to hear about this job of yours
JANE,"I told you already it's very boring you know I think I got a little too much garlic, can I have a piece of gum",JERRY,you're fine (goes to the bathroom)
JANE,oh how does this thing work?,JERRY,just press it
JANE,oh come on up,JERRY,(coming out from the bathroom) who was it?
JANE,it's Elaine,JERRY,oh..huh.. is she coming up?
JANE,yeah,JERRY,oh.. uh.. you know your breath is a little garlicky you better take some gum.
JANE,ok,JERRY,"Yeah have a couple of pieces, weak, weak gum yeah"
JANE,hmm,JERRY,"have some more, take some for the road."
JANE,isn't it too much?,JERRY,trust me.. nah it's good
JANE,smell?,JERRY,"yeah stinks, terrible"
ELAINE,hi,JERRY,this is Jane Elaine
JANE,ok so I'll see you Saturday night,JERRY,Saturday night (she leaves)
ELAINE,what is with the gum?,JERRY,"I know it's a big problem.. she puts like four pieces in her mouth, it's ridiculous, I don't think we're gonna be able to get together on Saturday night"
ELAINE,because of the gum,JERRY,"well it's too much, it's embarrassing"
ELAINE,why does she have to chew so many?,JERRY,"she's one of these people, always have to be different"
GEORGE,"if you hadn't come, this whole thing wouldn't have happen (back on Jerry and Elaine's side, we can hear George saying ""I was the one who was invited"", Jerry opens the door)",JERRY,well
KRAMER,yeah I sang 99 bottles of beer on the wall,JERRY,"well aside from that from that, how did he like the sandwiches?"
ELAINE,would you throw this trash out (closes the door),JERRY,"I've been waiting a while for this. You know it's a shame Tony got all banged up, we're not gonna be able to get together on Saturday night"
JANE,"Oh that is too bad, what a shame",JERRY,"yeah, it's a damn shame, a damn shame!"
JANE,well maybe he's feeling better,JERRY,"yeah without a doubt, I'm down (Kramer enters) oh hey how're you doing? Jane this is my neighbor Kramer"
KRAMER,"(very quickly) oh I don't think so, no we never met, I never talked to you before on the phone, alright I'll see you later buddy",JERRY,"wait, where are you going? where are you going?"
JANE,what are you talking about?,JERRY,"alright I changed my mind, uh yeah I don't think I'm not gonna go now"
JANE,"well ok I'll see you later,",JERRY,Ok.
JANE,nice meeting you,JERRY,See ya. (Jane Leaves; after the door closes Kramer jumps in shock) what's with you?
KRAMER,that's her,JERRY,who?
KRAMER,"Erika, she's Erika",JERRY,"oh you think she's Erika, the phone sex woman"
KRAMER,"Jerry, that voice is tattooed on my brain, I'm telling you it's her",JERRY,oh you're crazy
KRAMER,Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?,JERRY,It's impossible
KRAMER,iIs it? Or is it so possible your heard is spinning like a top?,JERRY,it can't be
KRAMER,Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?,JERRY,alright that's enough
ELAINE,he's supposed to get the bandages off on Sunday.. what if?,JERRY,what?
ELAINE,you know (acts like a monster),JERRY,oh you're afraid he might look like Zippy the pinhead
ELAINE,"yeah I mean, I mean what is my obligation here, you know we were just dating, it was probably gonna be over in a couple of weeks anyway",JERRY,oh I though you didn't care about his looks
ELAINE,I lied,JERRY,aha
ELAINE,"are you kidding, he's a mimbo I know that.. but he's my mimbo, you know and even if he is a hideous freak maybe, maybe I can learn to love him, maybe in some final irony (Jerry is looking the other way), I'll learn what love really is. You know Jerry",JERRY,oh I'm sorry I didn't get most of that.. isn't that Kramer over there?
ELAINE,"yeah, yeah",JERRY,hey Kramer
KRAMER,what? hey (walks by Jerry and Elaine's table) it's all set,JERRY,what's all set?
KRAMER,"Erika is gonna meet me here, now we're gonna find out the truth",JERRY,how's you get her to meet here?
KRAMER,"I don't know, we have a certain chemistry",JERRY,oh my god
JANE,hi I thought I'd find you here,JERRY,hello.. Erika
JANE,Erika? what are you talking about?,JERRY,how can u say things like that over the phone?
JANE,what things? What are you talking about?,JERRY,selling sexual pleasure over the phone?
JANE,I sell paper goods you jerk,JERRY,paper goods?
ELAINE,"here, take it",JERRY,thanks
JANE,"(to Kramer, in a very sensual voice) you either",JERRY,"Now of the course the thing is Extreme sports. Bungie jumping. To me if Bungie jumping is a sport so is being a crash test dummy. Just leaning does not make it a sport. It's like a Wiley Coyote idea isn't it? The thing I wonder about the sky diving is why do they even bother with the helmets? Can you almost make it? Why don't they just wear a party hat? What's the difference? You jump out of a plane from twenty thousand feet in the air the chute doesn't open I got news for you, the helmet is now wearing you for protection. Later on the helmet's talking to the other helmets going ""boy it's a good thing he was there or I would have hit the ground directly."""
ELAINE,"Hey, do you believe I got Happy New Yeared today? It's February.",JERRY,I once got Happy New Yeared in March.
ELAINE,It's disgusting.,JERRY,"It's pathetic. . . . hey, is it cold out?"
ELAINE,Really cold.,JERRY,Scary cold.
ELAINE,I don't know. What's your definition of scary cold?,JERRY,That. (pointing at George)
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,When did you get that?
GEORGE,This week. My father got a deal from a friend of his. It's Gore-Tex. You know about Gore-Tex?,JERRY,"You like saying Gore-Tex, don't you?"
ELAINE,"Hey, you can't even turn around in that thing.",JERRY,Look at this
ELAINE,Oh listen we should stop off on the way and get a bottle of wine or something.,JERRY,Yeah. (pointing at Elaine as he goes into the bedroom)
GEORGE,"So you're telling me instead of them being happy to see me, they're going to be upset because I didn't bring anything. Ttst --You see what I'm saying?",JERRY,The fabric of society is very complex George.
GEORGE,"You telling me that wine is better than Pepsi? Huh (snort), no way wine is better than Pepsi.",JERRY,"I tell you George, I don't think we want to walk in there and put a big plastic jug of Pepsi in the middle of the table."
GEORGE,I just don't like the idea that any time theres a dinner invitation there's this annoying little chore that goes along with it.,JERRY,"You know, you're getting to be an annoying little chore yourself."
KRAMER,"All right, let's go. Who's driving? (claps his hands and rubs them together)",JERRY,You are. I can't get that thing in my car. (referring to George)
KRAMER,Uh huh.,JERRY,"Where's the heat in this car? Come on Elaine warm me up, oh! I'm cold. Just give me a little squeeze."
GEORGE,"Hehehehehe (higher tone laugh, though still quietly )",JERRY,"You're pretty comfortable up there eh, Bubble boy?"
ELAINE,"Okay, let me out. You, eh, whatever your name is",JERRY,Jerry.
ELAINE,"Ummm, I love the smell of bakeries.",JERRY,"Mmm. Oh look Elaine, the black and white cookie."
ELAINE,Mmm.,JERRY,I love the black and white. Two races of flavor living side by side in harmony. It's a wonderful thing isn't it?
ELAINE,You know I often wonder what you'll be like when you're senile.,JERRY,I'm looking forward to it.
ELAINE,Yeah. I think it will be a very smooth transition for you.,JERRY,"Thank you. All right, look at all this stuff. What are we getting'?"
ELAINE,CHOCOLATE BABKA! That's their specialty.,JERRY,Love that babka.
ELAINE,"Yeah, yeah!",JERRY,"So listen Elaine, when we get up to the door, you , you hold the cake box."
ELAINE,Why?,JERRY,"I don't know, just standing there with a box, holding it by the little string."
ELAINE,You think it's effeminate?,JERRY,It's a tad dainty.
ELAINE,"Oh, we forgot to pick a number.",JERRY,"Oh, see that's not fair. We-We were here ahead of all these people."
ELAINE,I-cu-di-ge--You think I should go and ask her for hers?,JERRY,"Ah, no, forget it."
BARBARA,How do I know that?,JERRY,Well we saw you come in.
DAVID,You're Jerry right?,JERRY,David!
BARBARA,You're NOT getting my number.,JERRY,Oh so you still don't believe us.
ELAINE & JERRY,See you later.,JERRY,That's the last babka. They got the last babka.
ELAINE,I know. They're going in first with the last babka.,JERRY,That was our babka.
ELAINE,You can't beat a babka.,JERRY,We had that babka.
ELAINE,(exhales) They're going to be heroes.,JERRY,Well what are we going to do now. If we can't get the babka the whole thing's useless.
ELAINE,Well how about a carrot cake?,JERRY,Carrot cake? Now w-why is that a cake? You don't make carrots into a cake. I'm sorry.
ELAINE,Black Forrest?,JERRY,"Black Forrest? Too scary. You're in the Forrest, oohh."
ELAINE,Napoleon? Who's he to have a cake? He was a ruthless war monger. Might as well get Mengele.,JERRY,That was our babka. We had that babka!
ELAINE,(gasp),JERRY,Another babka?
CLERK,There's chocolate and there's cinnamon.,JERRY,Well-well we got to get the cinnamon.
ELAINE,"No, but they got the chocolate. We'll be going in with lesser babka.",JERRY,"I beg your pardon? Cinnamon takes a back seat to no babka. People love cinnamon. It should be on tables in restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime anyone says, ""Oh This is so good. What's in it?"" The answer invariably comes back, Cinnamon. Cinnamon. Again and again. Lesser babka - I think not."
ELAINE,I'll have a cinnamon babka.,JERRY,"and a black and white cookie, for me. Peace!"
KRAMER,You better be careful with that thing... You'll start a war.,JERRY,"Uhm, see the key to eating a Black and White cookie, Elaine, is you want to get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than, vanilla and chocolate. And yet still somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only *Look to the Cookie* -- all our problems would be solved."
ELAINE,"Well your views on race relations are just, fascinating. You really should do an Op-Ed piece for the Times. (Op-Ed stands for Opinions and Editorials)",JERRY,Hmm. Look to the cookie Elaine... Look to the cookie.
ELAINE,(looking in the box) Well what is this?,JERRY,What?
ELAINE,It's a hair.,JERRY,"Oh, oh take it back. Let's get another one."
ELAINE,"No, we're late as it is. I'll just take it off.",JERRY,"No no come on really, get another one. Itll take a second."
ELAINE,We waited fifteen minutes for this. Tst - YOU SELL ME A CAKE WITH A HAIR ON IT. Then you want me to wait? . . . What are you doing (to Jerry taking a number) youre gonna wait now?,JERRY,"Well, I'm not going to eat a cake with a hair on it."
ELAINE,Well it was a little hair. I took it off.,JERRY,A little hair? Do you think that makes it better?
ELAINE,What if it's your hair?,JERRY,What if it's your hair?
ELAINE,(Wh-wh) What is wrong with my hair? Nobody takes better care of their hair than me. You can serve dinner on my head.,JERRY,"Who needs that misty herbal rain water crap they sell in the health food store. I use Prell, the hard stuff. Hundred proof - takes your roots out. (pretends to pull hair out)"
ELAINE,"Okay, fine, we'll just wait until she calls the number.",JERRY,"Well, maybe we should just forget about the cake?"
ELAINE,Why couldn't we just take the hair off and go?,JERRY,No. Thats out of the question.
ELAINE,Whhhy?,JERRY,Because I had a bad experience with a hair when I was younger.
ELAINE,What happened?,JERRY,I'd rather not talk about it.
ELAINE,You can't tell me?,JERRY,All right . . . . I once found a hair in my Farina and I freaked out.
ELAINE,You found a hair in your Farina?,JERRY,Yeah.
ELAINE,What happened?,JERRY,"Well I started screaming, ""There's a hair in my farina. There's a hair in my farina."" Then I ran out of the house and I was running and running. And like I was little but I could run very fast. And I-I just kept running (In the background -- CLERKS VOICE 57) and they found me like three hours later collapsed at a construction site."
ELAINE,(quietly) Wow. Who's hair was it?,JERRY,My mother's.
ELAINE,"Ooo, That's us. (hits Jerry in the arm)",JERRY,"Oh, good."
CLERK,"(coughing and coughing, getting really bad)",JERRY,"Oh, that's lovely."
ELAINE,"Ah,",JERRY,"Thats what you want to see, yeah. . . . Yeah, you want to trade your hair for some phlegm."
ELAINE,"Wait `til I get my hands on that George. I am gonna *pull* that big hood over his little head... tie the strings, and suffocate. You remember that Panama hat? That was nothing.",JERRY,"Huh, wa?"
ELAINE,What's the matter with you?,JERRY,"I dont know, I don't feel so good."
ELAINE,What's wrong?,JERRY,"My stomach, I , think it was that cookie."
ELAINE,The black and white?,JERRY,Yeah.
ELAINE,Not getting along?,JERRY,I think I got David Duke and Farrakhan down there.
ELAINE,(mocking - in a dopey voice) Well if we can't look to the cookie where can we look?,JERRY,Oh my stomach. I feel like I'm going to throw up.
ELAINE,"Wait, what about your vomit streak?",JERRY,"I know, I haven't thrown up since June 29th, 1980."
ELAINE,"(cont) ...uh, Jerry, I think he broke my toe. (Jerry gets up) W-Where're you going?",JERRY,Fourteen years down the drain. (points and walks off -- to the bathroom)
ELAINE,How was it?,JERRY,As good as it gets.
CLERK,Can I getca anything else?,JERRY,"Oh, no thanks."
ELAINE,Somebody put a cane on my foot. Just like the one I'm going to put up your...,JERRY,"Hey, what happened to your coat? And what is the smell? Is-ya, What are you drunk?"
GEORGE,I had to give it to the liquor store guy.,JERRY,What for?
GEORGE,Cinnamon? Why didn't cha get chocolate?,JERRY,George!
ELAINE,See ya'.,JERRY,See ya'.
ELAINE,(to the phone) Well did he bring it up in the meeting?,JERRY,"Elaine, see this T-shirt, six years I've had this T-shirt. It's my best one, I call him Golden Boy."
ELAINE,"Yeah, I'm on the phone here.",JERRY,Golden Boys always the first shirt I wear out of the laundry. Here... touch Golden Boy!
ELAINE,"No thanks. (to the phone) Yeah, Yeah I'll hold.",JERRY,"But see look at the collar, it's fraying. Golden Boy is slowly dying. Each wash brings him one step closer, that's what makes the T-shirt such a tragic figure."
ELAINE,Why don't you just let Golden Boy soak in the sink with some Woolight?,JERRY,"No!!! The reason he's the iron man is because he goes out there and plays every game. Wash!!! Spin!!! Rinse!!! Spin!!! You take that away from him, you break his spirit!"
ELAINE,"(to the phone)Yeah. Oh! What? He is! Oh! thats fantastic! I'm so excited! Yes I'm excited, OK, OK I'll be in soon! yeah, yeah, I'm coming, I'm coming! OK bye. (Elaine jumps up and dances around) Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer!",JERRY,The guy whos in the gulag?!
ELAINE,"Yeah! Pendant's publishing his new book, and I'm working on it! Lippman and I are gonna go to the airport on Thursday and pick him up in a limousine!",JERRY,You wanna barrow Golden Boy!
ELAINE,"Oh! (pushing Jerry) Do you know what this means, it's like working with Tolstoy!",JERRY,"Hey ya know I read an unbelievable thing about Tolstoy the other day, did you know the original title for ""War and Peace"" was ""War--What Is It Good For?""!"
ELAINE,"... (looking at Jerry for a second then, mockingly nods her head back and forth) ....Ha ha ha ha.",JERRY,"No, no I'm not kidding Elaine it's true, his mistress didn't like the title and insisted that he change it to ""War and Peace""!"
ELAINE,But it's a line from that song!,JERRY,That's were they got it from!
ELAINE,Really?,JERRY,I'm not joking!
GEORGE,"You can't handle the truth! (he salutes) (imitating Jack Nicholson [a.k.a. Col. Nathan R. Jessep], from the 1992 movie A Few Good Men)",JERRY,What?
ELAINE,Oh! Your Alumni Magazine.,JERRY,Your mother reads your mail?
GEORGE,Yeah.,JERRY,What do you mean like post-cards an...?
GEORGE,"No, anything.",JERRY,She doesn't open...?
GEORGE,She'll open!,JERRY,You've caught your mother opening envelopes!
GEORGE,Yes.,JERRY,What did she say?
GEORGE,I was curious! (imitating his moms voice),JERRY,Isn't that against the law?
ELAINE,"(gasp) Hey Jerry, you're in the Alumni magazine! Listen to this Jerry Seinfeld has appeared on ""David Letterman"" and the ""Tonight Show"" and he did a pilot for NBC called ""Jerry"" ...that was not picked up. Georgie, how come theres not anything about you in here?",JERRY,He can't handle the truth!
GEORGE,"Hey, did you see that whale thing on TV last night?",JERRY,No.
GEORGE,"I am such a Huge whale fan. These marine biologists were showin' how they communicate with each other with these squeaks and squeals, what a fish!",JERRY,It's a mammal.
GEORGE,Whatever. (George looks to the table) Hey new tape recorder?,JERRY,"Yeah, got it from the bank."
KRAMER,(overly excited) Hey (Claps hands one time),JERRY,Hey.
KRAMER,(still overly excited) Who wants to have some fun!,JERRY,I do.
KRAMER,"(once again, overly excited) Now are you just sayin' you want to have fun or do you reallllly want to have fun?!",JERRY,I really wanna have fun.
GEORGE,Come on. Ya wanna go get some lunch?,JERRY,"Yeah, let me just stop by the cash machine and I'll meet you over at the coffee shop."
KRAMER,Yeah! (Kramer takes a huge imaginary swing),JERRY,"(he hits a few keys and looks over at her) Cash advance... yes (hits a key)  no (he looks over again) balance inquiry... no (he looks again) receipt.... no (he looks again) processing... processing... (He opens the box, pulls out his money and then looks at the woman and says) I won!"
DIANE,Jerry?,JERRY,Yeah.
DIANE,"Its Diane, Diane DeConn, from Queens college.",JERRY,Oh Diane.
DIANE,(laughing a little) How are you?,JERRY,"Good, good."
DIANE,(sighs) How long has it been?,JERRY,Since college.
DIANE,Huh. I've been seeing you on TV you're doin' great.,JERRY,Yeah pluggin' along.
DIANE,You know I got the Alumni magazine. What ever happened to your friend George? I notice I never see his name in there.,JERRY,Well he's kind of modest.
DIANE,He was always such a goof-off. I mean did he ever get anywhere?,JERRY,Sure.
DIANE,Yeah? What field?,JERRY,Marine biology.
DIANE,George is a marine biologist?!,JERRY,"Yeah, pretty damn good one, too!"
DIANE,I can't believe it. I-I would never had thought,JERRY,"Yeah... hes specializing in whales. He's working on lowering the cholesterol level, in whales all that blubber -- quite unhealthy. You know its the largest mammal on earth but as George says ""they don't have to be."""
GEORGE,Diane DeConn? You saw Diane DeConn!,JERRY,Something huh?
GEORGE,Ahh! How'd she look?,JERRY,She looked great.
GEORGE,Ahh! (closes his eyes and rolling his head back) Umh!,JERRY,She asked about you.
GEORGE,She asked about me? What did- What did she say?,JERRY,"""How's George?"""
GEORGE,"George! She said George? She remembered my name. (loudly -- to a passing waitress and the rest of the restaurant) Diane DeConn remembered my name. She was the ""it"" girl!",JERRY,"Yeah she asked for your number, I think she's gonna get in touch with you."
GEORGE,"(pauses for a few seconds) OK, I'm tellin' you right now - if your kiddin' around I'm not gonna be able to be your friend anymore. I'm serious about that. You got that.",JERRY,I got no problem with that.
GEORGE,"Good. Cause if this is a lie, if this is a joke, if this is your idea of some cute little game we're finished!",JERRY,Expect a call.
GEORGE,Oh my god he's not kidding. (exhale gasp),JERRY,"Now, I should tell you that, at this point, she's under the impression that youre - a - ah"
GEORGE,A what?,JERRY,A marine biologist.
GEORGE,(pauses) A marine biologist?,JERRY,Yes.
GEORGE,Why am I a marine biologist?,JERRY,I may have mentioned it.
GEORGE,But I'm not a marine biologist!,JERRY,Yes I know that.
GEORGE,So?,JERRY,"Why, you don't think it's a good job?"
GEORGE,I didn't even know it was a job.,JERRY,Oh it's a fascinating field!
LIPPMAN,Yeah Ohoo.,JERRY,I did it for you.
GEORGE,"I dont know whatcha had to tell her that for. You put me in a very difficult position, Marine Biologist! I'm very uncomfortable with this whole thing.",JERRY,You know with all do respect I would think it's right up your alley.
GEORGE,"Well it's not up my alley! It's one thing if I make it up. I know what I'm doin, I know my alleys! You got me in the Galapagos Islands livin' with the turtles, I don't know where the hell I am.",JERRY,"Well you came in the other day with all that whale stuff, the squeaking and the squealing and"
KRAMER,Hey ya want these (He throws down the golf clubs -- kicks the bag hard) I don't want em!,JERRY,What?
KRAMER,"I stink! I can't play! The ball is just sitting there, Jerry, and I can't hit it! I only hit one really good ball that went way out there!",JERRY,Well what happened?
KRAMER,I have no concentration!,JERRY,"What, what, what's wrong with you?"
KRAMER,"Sand, I can get rid of the sand. (he sits at the table, looking down his shirt) Look theres still some in here, it won't go away! Look I even got sand in the pockets!",JERRY,"Hey come on, you're getting it all over the floor!"
GEORGE,How'd she find it?,JERRY,Shes waking down the street and it hit her in the head!
CORINNE,"So I am walkin' along, minding my own business when all off the sudden this thing comes flying out of nowhere and clonks me right on the head.",JERRY,Wow.
CORINNE,"Yeah, So they took me to the hospital",JERRY,Yeah
CORINNE,"and they put me in this thing, that feels like a coffin, for forty-five minutes. Have you ever been in one of those things? You could go berserk in there!",JERRY,Well you have insurance...
CORINNE,I wish!,JERRY,Unbelievable!
CORINNE,Yeah.,JERRY,What is with this thing.
CORINNE,"(hits the organizer) I don't know, it never shuts up. So anyway, you could see why I would be interested in finding this person.",JERRY,Absolutely. You should not have to pay for that.
CORINNE,"(hits the organizer, picks it up and hits it on to the table -- shouting) Stop it! Stop it!",JERRY,Let me have a look at this thing.
CORINNE,Ya know it was somebody told me they thought they saw that thing come out of a limousine.,JERRY,"Typical rich people, using the world for their personal garbage can."
CORINNE,Boy am I lucky your name came up. I just pushed a button.,JERRY,I would like to know what my names doin in this creep's organizer to begin with.
CORINNE,Yeah.,JERRY,Who do I know who would have even been in a limousine yesterday anyway. Uhh-O h-owow!
KRAMER,Yei-,JERRY,"Oh, there you are!"
ELAINE,There you are!,JERRY,So?
ELAINE,So?,JERRY,So what do you have to say for yourself?
ELAINE,So what do you have to say for yourself?,JERRY,Why should I have anything for say for myself?
ELAINE,"""War-- What is it good for?""!",JERRY,A-Ahahahahah. Who told you?
ELAINE,"A-hu hu hu hu. Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer! Hellooo!",JERRY,"You told Testikov, (Elaine nods) that Tolstoy wanted to name his book ""War-- What Is IT Good For?""?"
ELAINE,Uh-hu. And do you know what happened?,JERRY,Can I take a guess?
ELAINE,"Oh, Please.",JERRY,"Oh I don't know, he threw your organizer out the window?"
ELAINE,"What, how did you know that?",JERRY,Because I know who has it.
ELAINE,(gasps) How did you find it?,JERRY,"Because the woman who got hit in the head with it found my name, called me up, and we met!"
ELAINE,"(gasps) Where is it, give it to me!",JERRY,I don't have it!
ELAINE,Why not.,JERRY,Because she's not returning it until she gets the money back for the hospital bill.
ELAINE,"But I didn't do it. Testikov did it, he should pay for it!",JERRY,How much is Testikov getting from Pendant for this book?
ELAINE,One million.,JERRY,Well that's a start.
GEORGE,"But enough about fish, huhuhu. I can discuss other things you know, ah architecture. Huhu. (makes a wide gesture with his arms)",JERRY,You know what room Testikov's in?
ELAINE,"Yeah, 308. Oh, I'm crazy for doing this!",JERRY,"Well, you want your organizer back don't you?"
ELAINE,Why are you so interested -- you want to take her out?,JERRY,Hey you know when Superman saves someone no one asks if he's trying to hit on her!
ELAINE,"Well, you're not Superman.",JERRY,Well you're not Lois Lane.
ELAINE,"Oh. Listen, you got the tape-recorder.",JERRY,Yeah I got it. You sure you want to do this? (hands Elaine the tape recorder.)
ELAINE,"Yeah I gotta get Testikov on tape. If this woman ends up in the ""New England Journal Of Medicine"" I'm not gonna pay for it.",JERRY,"Oh, here she comes."
CORINNE,Hi.,JERRY,"Elaine, this is Corinne."
ELAINE,"Hi, (sighs) you got the organizer?",JERRY,"All right lets go. We'll meet you back down here in ten minutes, hopefully with the money."
ELAINE,"Um, yes this is my friend Jerry. Um, he accompanied me, ya know (clears throat), single women in a big city can be dangerous, so",JERRY,"Yeah. Th-That's why I where these sneakers, in case of any trouble -- Zip, I'm gone. (makes a running motion with both arms and his right foot)"
TESTIKOV,"Yeah, Yeah. The sneakers. All the Americans with the sneakers. Always running from something. Ya ya, well Sit, stop running, Ehh. two minutes, I give you latest manuscript!",JERRY,Oh! Rimsky -- great great book if I may say so sir. I almost read the whole thing.
ELAINE,(quietly) OK.,JERRY,It was nice meeting you
TESTIKOV,Aah.,JERRY,youre a real pleasure. (Jerry is being sarcastic)
ELAINE,"( laughs) Well um, would you believe that it actually, hit somebody in the head.",JERRY,Right in the head! (leans in and points at Testikov)
GEORGE,"I got about fifty-feet out and suddenly, the great beast appeared before me. I tell ya he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence he let out a great bellow. I said, ""Easy big fella!"" And then, as I watched him struggling I realized, that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing I could see directly into the eye of the great fish!",JERRY,Mammal.
KRAMER,A hole in one eh.,JERRY,Well the-the crowd must have gone wild!
GEORGE,"kissed me. We both had tears streaming down our faces. I never saw anyone so beautiful. It was at that moment that I decided to tell her that, I was not a marine biologist.",JERRY,Wow! What'd she say?
GEORGE,"Told me to ""Go to hell!"" and I took the bus home.",JERRY,All right lets go.
ELAINE,"What, are you in a bad mood?",JERRY,Ahhh got my laundry back.
ELAINE,Ohhh! Golden Boy?,JERRY,He didn't make it.
ELAINE,I'm sorry. (pats him on the arm),JERRY,Yea. (pulls at the t-shirt) This is Golden Boy's son Baby Blue.
KRAMER,Yep.,JERRY,"Aren't mannequins an insult to your imagination? You couldn't possibly visualize a sweater so we'll show you on this life size snotty puppet. I guess when they finish with them they become crash test dummies. That's the end of the line for a mannequin. ""What ever happened to Bob?"" ""Have you seen that new Volvo commercial? He's got a bulls eye right in his face."" Mannequins are only used for car accidents and fashion, I guess these are the two situations that it's impossible for us to imagine ourselves. Well dressed or getting killed. I'm sure there is some pro-mannequin organization that doesn't even like you to use the term mannequin. ""Hey they're not mannequins, they're the life deprived."""
AUDREY,Hum! That was really good!,JERRY,Yeah. are you full?
AUDREY,"Oh no, I've had just enough.",JERRY,"Ah, here we go... apple pie! Best apple pie in the city. (Jerry starts eating) Mmm, delicious. I'm not waiting for you. Take some."
AUDREY,No thanks.,JERRY,You're not gonna have any?
AUDREY,No (with a disgusted face),JERRY,Do you not like apple pie?
AUDREY,"No, it's not that.",JERRY,"Well, at least taste it."
AUDREY,"No (a resolute ""no"")",JERRY,You won't even taste it?
AUDREY,No.,JERRY,"Come on, try it! (Audrey shakes her head doing ""no"") A little taste! (still shaking) Come on. (still shaking)"
GEORGE,Did she say why?,JERRY,No. She wouldn't say anything. She just kept shaking her head like this (Imitating Audrey)
GEORGE,Maybe she's diabetic.,JERRY,No. She carries Entemanns doughnuts in her purse.
GEORGE,Maybe you said something that offended her.,JERRY,The only thing I can think of is I told her we should have those moving walkways all over the city.
GEORGE,Like at the airport? (getting excited),JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,That's a great idea!!!,JERRY,Tell me about it!
GEORGE,We could be zipping all over the place.,JERRY,They could at least try it.
GEORGE,They never try anything.,JERRY,What's the harm?
GEORGE,No harm!,JERRY,(still talking to George) I'm sorry. There's no reason for her not to taste that pie.
ELAINE,Who wouldn't taste a pie?,JERRY,Audrey.
ELAINE,Dump her.,JERRY,"Boy, I never broke up with anyone for not tasting pie???"
ELAINE,(piffling) I once broke up with someone for not offering me pie.,JERRY,You did?
ELAINE,I got a pebble.,JERRY,"Boy, I never heard of that happening to a woman?"
KRAMER,Rinitze. (he takes Jerry's spatula and starts rubbing his back with it) Oh yeah...,JERRY,(to Kramer) Uh... may I help you? (wondering what the hell's Kramer doing)
KRAMER,"(leaving too, with the spatula) Are you gonna need this?",JERRY,Keep it. (implied please)
ELAINE,"I don't know. They wouldn't tell me. (Jerry is not listening, he's looking at two women sitting in the other booth) Jerry? Je... Hello?",JERRY,(Jerry gets up and walk to these persons) Uh... Excuse me. I couldn't help but notice you offered her a piece of your pie.
WOMAN 1,That's right.,JERRY,And you waved it away.
WOMAN 2,Right.,JERRY,Did you give her a reason?
WOMAN 2,"Yes, I was full.",JERRY,You were full. So you gave a reason. You didn't just shake your head.
WOMAN 2,"No, I'm not a psycho.",JERRY,"Exactly. You're not a psycho. You've been very helpful. Thank you very much. Allow me to leave the tip. (sits back with Elaine and Kramer) Well, I think we proven who the psycho is."
KRAMER,"Jerry, how about you?",JERRY,I think you know my policy.
ELAINE,I thought George was meeting us here?,JERRY,No he's going downtown to guard the suit.
GEORGE,"(to the saleswoman) You know honey for an unadvertised sale, you're doing a lot of yapping about it.",JERRY,I can't beleive your father owns this place. So how are the desserts here?
AUDREY,Everything is delicious.,JERRY,You've tasted them?
AUDREY,"Um-hmm, I think almost all of them.",JERRY,Oh I see they have apple pie.
AUDREY,Mmm-hmm.,JERRY,You've had the apple pie?
AUDREY,Many times.,JERRY,"Audrey, I got to be honest with you. I'm a very curious guy. It's my nature. I need to know things. Not tasting the apple pie the other day, I can't get past it. You obviously like pies. You carry doughnuts in your bag, you're not averse to pastry. Surely you could see how such a thing would prey on my mind."
AUDREY,Can we drop this?,JERRY,(like a frustrated child) Why can't I know?
POPPIE,Welcome (shakes Jerry's hand),JERRY,Hello Poppie.
POPPIE,Don't fill up on the bread. I'm making you a very special dinner. Very special. (he leaves),JERRY,The pies. I'm going to the bathroom. You know. (he leaves)
AUDREY,Jerry are you OK?,JERRY,Huh?
AUDREY,Is anything wrong?,JERRY,"No, Nothing."
AUDREY,"Jerry have some. (Jerry shakes his head doing ""no"") You're not gonna taste it? (still shaking) Jerry. (still shaking)",JERRY,So she tought I did it to get back at her
GEORGE,Why didn't you just tell her?,JERRY,"I don't think that's the kind of thing you wanna hear about your father. But I'll tell you when he came out of that bathroom and he was kneading that dough, it was a wild scene."
GEORGE,How could he not have washed?,JERRY,"Even if you're not gonna soap up, at least pretend for my benefit. Turn the water on, do something."
GEORGE,"Yeah, just like I do.",JERRY,"You know a chef who doesn't wash is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help, he wants to get caught."
GEORGE,"Well, I think Poppie's got some problems. There's a whole other thing going on with Poppie. So how did you leave it?",JERRY,We haven't spoken.
GEORGE,"The last time I saw her, she was naked.",JERRY,"Yeah, and Poppie's got problems..."
ELAINE,"So I made a little list of people who might've made the mannequin. You know, possible suspects.",JERRY,"Yeah, all right. Go ahead. (not very interested)"
ELAINE,"There's this blind guy at a party I was at, and he felt my face for a really long time. You know, to see what I looked like. He almost put his finger up my nose.",JERRY,"(very disinterested) Hum... ok, what else you got?"
ELAINE,"OK, I'm not gonna tell you the rest of the list.",JERRY,"Oh, because I didn't think the blind guy did it?"
JERRY and ELAINE,Oh!,JERRY,Georgio! Nice duds!
GEORGE,"You're telling me. (he walks around and the suit makes a swooshing sound) So, what do you think?",JERRY,Did you hear something?
ELAINE,"Yeah, like a swoosh.",JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,I probably didn't hear it on the way over because of the street noise. (he panics) This is no good! I got to meet these guys from MacKenzie for lunch in half an hour!,JERRY,So what? What would they care?
GEORGE,"This MacKenzie, he's a bit of a nut. Someone told me he fired the last guy because his nose whistled when he breathed.",JERRY,So you think you're not gonna get the job because your pants make a noise?
GEORGE,"Let's say it comes down to me and one other guy. He's got a nice quiet suit, and I'm whooshing all over the place! Who do you think he's gonna hire?",JERRY,"You know, I think all these interviews are making you nuts."
KRAMER,"Hey Jerry, I saw your girlfriend was in here before.",JERRY,Audrey?
KRAMER,"Yep. Sat down, had herself a piece of pie.",JERRY,Was it apple?
KRAMER,What else?,JERRY,This woman is bending my mind into a pretzel!
ELAINE,The mannequin!,JERRY,"Oh, I got to see this thing."
SALESWOMAN,(to Jerry) Yeah? What law am I breaking?,JERRY,"Well, I believe there's some legal precedent - Winchell vs. Mahoney,"
ELAINE,Uh-huh,JERRY,The Charlie Macarthy hearings.
ELAINE,Jerry get the car. (she's getting the mannequin),JERRY,What are you doing?
ELAINE,Just get the car!,JERRY,"Elaine, as your legal counsel I must advise against this."
ELAINE,Where are you going?,JERRY,Poppie's
AUDREY,That's right. Poppie's on 77th. Ok we'll see you at 800. Bye-bye.,JERRY,Hello.
AUDREY,What are you doing here?,JERRY,So how was the pie?
AUDREY,What pie?,JERRY,The apple pie you had today at Monks
AUDREY,I'm very busy here.,JERRY,"Pretty good, wasn'it? I told you you should've tasted it."
HEALTH INSPECTOR,"Board of health, we've had several complaints.",JERRY,"Oh, about the... uh (Jerry pretend to wash his hands)"
AUDREY,What do they want from Poppie?,JERRY,"Well, Poppie's a little sloppy."
BUSINESSMAN,"If you're one of us, you'll take a bite.",JERRY,So you didn't get the job.
GEORGE,No. But I was the only one at the table that didn't get violently ill.,JERRY,"Kramer, you can't keep avoiding her like this, you're gonna have to say something."
KRAMER,What am I supposed to say?,JERRY,Tell her you lost your itch.
KRAMER,I lost it two days ago. I've been faking it so I wouldn't hurt her feelings.,JERRY,Well you should tell her.
GEORGE,Did you ever solve the riddle of the pie?,JERRY,No. That's one for the ages. But I think they're gonna put Poppie away for a long long time.
GEORGE,"It's just not good, it's not good.",JERRY,It's not good.
GEORGE,"I'm bored. She's boring, I'm boring, we're both boring. We got out to eat, we both read newspapers.",JERRY,Well at breakfast everybody reads.
GEORGE,"No. Lunch we read, dinner we read.",JERRY,You read during lunch?
GEORGE,Ya,JERRY,"Oh, well."
GEORGE,There's nothing to talk about.,JERRY,"Ya, what's there to talk about."
GEORGE,Well at least you and I are talking about how there's nothing to talk about.,JERRY,Why don't you talk to her about how there's nothing to talk about?
GEORGE,She knows there is nothing to talk about.,JERRY,At least you'll be talking.
AL,"Hey, look who's here.",JERRY,"Hey, Al."
GEORGE,We have no need to speak. We communicate with deep soulful looks.,JERRY,Like Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower.
AL,(to Jerry) Oh did you hear about Fulton?,JERRY,Ya.
AL,I went by the hospital to see him a few days ago (looking at Jerry) think he'd really like you to come visit.,JERRY,Me?
GEORGE,Ya,JERRY,"Ya, see ya."
GEORGE,"Deeply in love. If you can't say anything bad about a relationship, you shouldn't say anything at all.",JERRY,(points to George) Ya.
GEORGE,I didn't even know Fulton was in the hospital.,JERRY,"Could use a good laugh. You know what kind of pressure that is? Come on, come with me."
GEORGE,"Na no, I'm not good in these situations. I can't hide my pity. I..I make em feel worse.",JERRY,"Oh, stop it."
GEORGE,Ya and also I'm afraid that people in that state are finally going to tell me what they really think of me. You know they got nothing to lose what do they care?,JERRY,So you're not gonna come?
KRAMER,Hey!,JERRY,Hey! Hey Mick.
KRAMER,What's doing?,JERRY,"Nothing, what's doing with you?"
KRAMER,"Same old, same old.",JERRY,George this is Mickey.
MICKEY,Pleasure.,JERRY,How's work going you guys?
MICKEY,"(to Jerry then both Jerry and George) But I got a big problem. The kid I stand in for, he's growing. He was four feet last month, now he's like four-two and a half. He shot up two and a half inches. I can do four-two, four-three is a stretch, any higher than that and I'm gonna be out on my ass doing that para-legal crap.",JERRY,How do you stop a kid from growing?
KRAMER,Alright we gotta get back to the show. What are you guys doing?,JERRY,"I'm going to the hospital, to visit Fulton."
KRAMER,(with his hand in Mickey's face) YAAAAAH!,JERRY,"Hey, woahoh Fulton. It's me."
FULTON,"Hey Jerry, good to see ya. I could really use a good laugh.",JERRY,Who couldn't.
FULTON,I haven't cracked a smile in months.,JERRY,"Oh don't worry, you'll crack. Cracking's inevitable, first you crack then you chuckle. That was the motto with the Russians at the Caesar Leningrad... first you crack then you chuckle. (Fulton looks at him not amused) You know because Leningrad when the Nazis attacked, it wasn't a very happy time... because of the war, famine, plus it was cold, very cold... they were eating each other. (Nervous under the pressure; Fulton not finding anything Jerry is saying funny) Maybe this isn't a good time for a visit."
FULTON,It's a fine time.,JERRY,"Oh, alright ah well... There's a priest, a minister and a rabbi, and they're all staring at him...."
JOHNNY,"I don't know what it is, but I'll find out. (walking away) I'll find out.",JERRY,"..so uh she's just sitting there and a uh Packyderm, you remember the derm. He says uh, I'm gonna go up to her. So we uh he uh picks up the two pieces of (wipes his brow) pizza and uh the uh and then they're steaming hot and they're burning his hands see so he... he's juggling em (does juggling motions) he's jugglin em, jus throwing them up in the air and just as he gets up to her down they go. (Swallows and takes a breath) Well we all just lost it. (Fulton not laughing, stone faced) It was really really funny."
PHIL,Hey Jerry.,JERRY,Hey Phil how you doing?
PHIL,You look terrific.,JERRY,I got my health.
PHIL,"Well, that's the most important thing. (to Fulton) Hey how ya doing Fulton! Octane, Butane, Nitrane! (Fulton looks at him still stone faced and not amused. To Jerry) How's he doing?",JERRY,(wiping his brow) He could use a couple laughs.
ELAINE,You should have told that story about Packyderm dropping the pizza.,JERRY,I told it. (Answers the buzzer) Ya?
GEORGE,(on the speaker) Ya,JERRY,"Ya. (hits the button, opens the door. To Elaine) Hey you know what as I was leaving I bumped into Phil Titola. He is one of the greatest guys."
ELAINE,Do I know him?,JERRY,"No, but I'll tell you something. Of all the guys I know, I could envision you going out with him."
ELAINE,If you were a woman would you go out with him?,JERRY,If I was a woman I'd be down at the dock waiting for the fleet to come in.
ELAINE,"(laughs) Ya, I bet you would. Alright, give him my number.",JERRY,Alright.
GEORGE,"This you are not going to believe. Al Netchie, that pimple. Tells Daphne, not get this 'Not to get involved with me.'",JERRY,What?
GEORGE,"Oh no no no. He's deeply in love, and I was just about to break up with her when she told me.",JERRY,So what are you gonna do?
GEORGE,Well I can't break up with her now.,JERRY,Why?
GEORGE,"Yes, I am.",JERRY,"Ya, I could see that."
GEORGE,I don't see any way around it.,JERRY,"No, me either."
GEORGE,What choice do I have?,JERRY,None.
[Setting,Jerry's Apartment],JERRY,Fulton's wife told me it's all my fault. She said since my visit he's taken a turn for the worse.
KRAMER,Did you tell him the Packyderm story?,JERRY,(yelling) Yes I told him the Packyderm story!
KRAMER,Maybe I outta go over there.,JERRY,Towards what end?
KRAMER,Hey.,JERRY,Hey Mick.
MICKEY,You (grabs Kramer),JERRY,"(starts pulling them apart) Alright break it up, break it up. Come on, just cut it out now (Kramer yells)"
KRAMER,"No no it's alright, it's alright. You're stressed Oout!",JERRY,(to Mickey) Why does this guy Johnny have it in for you?
KRAMER,Ya?,JERRY,So what does he care if you put lifts in?
[Setting,Jerry's Apartment],JERRY,"(on phone) Come on Adrian give me another chance, I know I could cheer Fulton up. I'll tell you what, I'll do my act (pauses for response from Adrian) No new material (Elaine enters) He's never heard it. He'll love it, I just did it at the Concord last week, it killed. (waves hello to Elaine; pauses for response from Adrian) Thank you, thanks fo.. you will not regret this. Ok, Bye. (hangs up phone; to Elaine) Hey."
ELAINE,Hello.,JERRY,So?
ELAINE,What?,JERRY,Come on. How was your date?
ELAINE,"Oh, the date. The date.",JERRY,Ya how was it?
ELAINE,Interesting.,JERRY,Really.
ELAINE,Oh ya.,JERRY,Why what happened?
ELAINE,"Let's see, (thinking) how shall I put this.",JERRY,Just put it.
ELAINE,He took it out.,JERRY,(confused) He what?
ELAINE,He took (blows on her glasses twice to clean them) it out.,JERRY,He took what out?
ELAINE,It.,JERRY,"He took It, Out?"
ELAINE,Yessiree Bob.,JERRY,He couldn't.
ELAINE,He did.,JERRY,(motions of making out) Well you were involved in some sort of amorous...
ELAINE,Noooo.,JERRY,You mean he just
ELAINE,Yes.,JERRY,Are you sure?
ELAINE,Oh quite.,JERRY,There was no mistaking it?
ELAINE,(looks straight into his eyes) Jerry.,JERRY,"So you were talking, (Elaine makes an agreement sound ""mmm"") you're having pleasant conversation, (Elaine makes an agreement sound ""mmm"") then all of sudden..."
ELAINE,Yea.,JERRY,It.
ELAINE,It.,JERRY,Out.
ELAINE,Out.,JERRY,"Well I, I can't believe this. I know Phil, he, he's a good friend of mine. We play softball together. How could this be?"
GEORGE,"So she's just sitting there, she's having a pleasant conversation... and all of a sudden.",JERRY,It.
GEORGE,It.,JERRY,Out.
GEORGE,"Out. (Jerry shakes his head in agreement) Wow. I spend so much time trying to get their clothes off, I never thought of taking mine off. (Jerry nods; George looks at his watch) Alright, Hey come on, get out of here, Dophne gonna be here any minute.",JERRY,Alright I'm going.
GEORGE,You know what I've come to realize? I'm not just bored. I genuinely dislike her.,JERRY,Well how long you are going to keep this up?
GEORGE,Hey I'll get married if I have to. Al Netchie will think twice before he opens his mouth about me again.,JERRY,You know George they are doing wonderful things at mental institutions these days. I'd be happy to set-up a meet and greet.
GEORGE,I'm very disappointed to here you talk like that. You still don't know what makes me tick.,JERRY,Yes I do.
GEORGE,What are you doing?,JERRY,"I'm going to the hospital to see Fulton. I'm not even saying hello, I'm going right into material."
PHIL,Ah hey Jer.,JERRY,Oh hey Phil.
PHIL,You know I'm sorry things didn't work out with Elaine. I don't know what I did wrong.,JERRY,"Well, y..you showed her who you are."
PHIL,"Oh, look at this, what she's got to breast feed in public.",JERRY,"Ya, that's the.. last thing you want to see. Well, next to last."
PHIL,I'll see ya.,JERRY,Ya take it easy.
[Setting,Back in Fulton's Hospital Room],JERRY,This guy's belching out vitamins..
FULTON,(dying of laughter and coughing) Stop.,JERRY,"(cont) and this whole justice league, Batman, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman. You mean to tell me Superman can't cover everything?"
FULTON,(still laughing and coughing) Stop.,JERRY,"For crying out loud, He's Superman. (Fulton stops laughing, Jerry's face is stunned) Fulton? (looks at him) Fulton?"
MERYL,Good morning.,JERRY,Good morning.
MERYL,How'd you sleep?,JERRY,"Hey, you are the couch tonight, young lady. You were all over my side."
MERYL,I was not!,JERRY,"C'mon, I was sleeping with one cheek off the bed!"
MERYL,"By the way, you know you're falling way behind on the 'I love you's.'",JERRY,"No, no, 12-8!"
MERYL,"No, it's 15-8.",JERRY,"I know I can't beat ya, I'm just trying to stay competitive."
MERYL,"Alright c'mon, let's get some breakfast.",JERRY,"Uh, let me get a coat. I think I'll uh try a sport jacket and scarf thing, you know, like an unemployed actor. (Goes into his room, and comes back out with the jacket on.) Ahh, haven't worn this one in a long time."
MERYL (feels Jerry's material),"Ooh, cashmere?",JERRY,"No, gore-tex. It's new. (Checks his pockets.) Hey, look at this locket. What the hell is this? There's a picture in here, look at that."
MERYL,"Wow, this is really old. You don't know whose it is?",JERRY,"No, I haven't worn this jacket since I got it back from the dry-cleaner. Maybe we should ask him."
MERYL,"Alright, we'll stop over there.",JERRY,Yeah. What do you want to get for breakfast?
MERYL,Pancakes.,JERRY,"Oh now, c'mon, you know I'm getting pancakes."
MERYL,I don't know that!,JERRY,"But we can't both get pancakes, it's embarrassing. It's like one step from the couples who dress alike."
MERYL,I'll get the short stack.,JERRY,"Ah, that's why I love ya. 15-9. (They go out into the hallway and run into Kramer and his African-American girlfriend, Anna.) Hey, how ya doin.'"
KRAMER,We just got back from breakfast. The pancakes were dynamite.,JERRY,"Hey, is that my maple syrup? Oh, ya. (Kramer hands it over.)"
MARTY (looking at the locket),This is my wife. She died eight years ago. I been looking all over for this!,JERRY,"Boy, it's a lucky thing I put the jacket on. But how did it get in the pocket?"
MARTY,"Well, see here, the chain is broken...it must have slipped in when I was, uh...(gestures at the racks of clothes behind him.)",JERRY,"Oh, wow."
MARTY (to Jerry),Know what I'm gonna do for you? I'm gonna give you and your family 25% off all your dry-cleaning from now on.,JERRY,"Oh, come on!"
MARTY,What are you talkin' about?,JERRY,It's silly!
MARTY,"Hey, forget it!",JERRY,Get outta here!
MARTY (to Jerry),I didn't know you were married.,JERRY,"Oh...yeah...uh you've never met my wife, Meryl? Meryl Seinfeld."
MARTY (to Meryl),"Sure, you get the discount, too.",JERRY,"You might regret that, because the money my wife spends on clothes..."
MERYL,I'm taking him to the cleaners!,JERRY,"Ah - see the sense of humor? C'mere, I'm so nuts about you...(hugs Meryl.) I tell ya, it was fun being single, but when you meet a woman like this, you don't walk to get married - you run!"
MERYL,"Uh, would you, um...can I...",JERRY,Pardon?
WAITRESS,Can I get you anything else?,JERRY,"Um, yeah...I think my wife and I'll have a little more coffee."
MERYL,To my adoring husband.,JERRY,Adoring? What about handsome?
MERYL,I like adoring.,JERRY,"Ya sure, adoring's good for you, what does it do for me? (Meryl laughs. The owner of the coffee shop comes over.)"
OWNER (points at the bottle of maple syrup),Excuse me...where did you get that?,JERRY,"I, uh...well..."
OWNER,"Uh, we don't allow any outside syrups, jams or condiments in the restaurant. (To Jerry) And if I catch you in here with that again...I will confiscate it.",JERRY,"Well, I-I-I told my wife not to bring it."
KRAMER,"Really? 25% off? Do I get that, too?",JERRY,"No, just Meryl."
KRAMER,"Why, why? Why does she get it?",JERRY,Because she's my wife! (The door buzzer sounds; Jerry answers it) Yeh?
ELAINE,(on buzzer) Meh.,JERRY,"(buzzes her up) Eh. (to Kramer) You know and I'll tell ya, I'm really enjoying this marriage thing. You think about each other. You care about each other. It's wonderful! Plus, I love saying ""my wife."" Once I started saying it, I couldn't stop - ""my wife"" this, ""my wife"" that...it's an amazing way to begin a sentence."
KRAMER,"""My wife has an inner ear infection.""",JERRY,See?
KRAMER,"I like that! Hey look, will you do me a favor? Will you take my quilt into the cleaners for me, so I can get the discount too?",JERRY,"Oh come on, we're gonna start doing this now? I can't be taking all your dry-cleaning in!"
KRAMER,"C'mon, just this one time! It's expensive!",JERRY,Alright. (Elaine enters.)
ELAINE,"Alright, listen to this. Remember that guy I was telling you about at the health club?",JERRY,The fly-boy.
ELAINE,Yeah.,JERRY,"Hey, where's George? I thought he was with you."
ELAINE,"I waited, he didn't show up. Anyway, this guy gave me an open-lip kiss.",JERRY,"Hmm, So?"
ELAINE,So? We've always just kind've pecked. This one had a totally different dynamic.,JERRY,Really.
ELAINE,"Yeah. I mean, his upper lip landed flush on my upper lip. But his lower lip landed well below my rim.",JERRY,"Ohhh, moisture?"
ELAINE,Yeah. Definite moisture.,JERRY,"That's an open-lip kiss, alright."
ELAINE (to Jerry),"I mean, maybe he wants to ask me out.",JERRY,"I don't know why you're interested in this guy, he's a jerk."
ELAINE,"Because, he doesn't pay any attention to me, and uh he ignores me.",JERRY,"Yeah, so?"
GEORGE (defensive),"Well...I was in the locker room showering, and I...I had to go, so...",JERRY,Here we go.
ELAINE (to Jerry),Do you go in the shower?,JERRY,"No, never."
GEORGE,Medical journals!,JERRY,Do the medical journals mention anything about standing in a pool of someone else's urine?
MERYL,"Oh, hi...honey.",JERRY,What are you doing here?
MERYL,I just thought I'd drop off a few things.,JERRY,"Oh. (Smiles at Marty nervously.) Well, I must have been in the incinerator room when you left. Here you go, Marty. (Hands over Kramer's quilt.)"
UNCLE LEO,Jerry!,JERRY,Uncle Leo?!
UNCLE LEO,Hello!,JERRY,Hello.
UNCLE LEO,What are you talking about?,JERRY,Uh...I got married.
UNCLE LEO (shocked),You got married? I wasn't invited? Nobody sends me an invitation?,JERRY,"Well, it was sudden."
UNCLE LEO,Are you ashamed of your uncle? Do I embarrass you?,JERRY,"No, no, it was a small ceremony."
UNCLE LEO,Haven't I always been a good uncle?,JERRY,"Yes, yes, you have."
UNCLE LEO,Who told you when you went to school that you print well?,JERRY,"You did, you did."
UNCLE LEO (to Meryl),"When he was younger, he had a beautiful penmanship. I used to encourage him to print.",JERRY,I'm a good printer.
UNCLE LEO,"I remember your 'V.' It was like a perfect triangle. Whoa, there's my bus! (Rushes out.) Hello! Wait!",JERRY,"Uncle Leo, wait!"
MERYL,I didn't do anything with it.,JERRY,"Well, it's not here, it was here yesterday."
MERYL,It's in the first drawer.,JERRY,I'm looking in the first drawer. It's not here.
MORTY,Why the hell didn't you tell us?,JERRY,"Listen, Ma..."
HELEN,Is she there? Can we talk to her? What's her name?,JERRY,"Mom, I'm not married."
HELEN,What?,JERRY,I'm not married!
HELEN (to Jerry),Uncle Leo said.,JERRY,I'm just pretending I'm married to get a discount on dry-cleaning.
MERYL (not finding the opener),"Well, I give up.",JERRY,"Well, whoopie whoop. (Meryl goes into the other room. Kramer staggers in the door in his bathrobe.)"
KRAMER,Got any coffee?,JERRY,"Yeah. (Kramer lurches into the kitchen, trips, and falls onto the kitchen floor.) I'll get it, I'll get it! Take it easy, why are you so tired?"
KRAMER,"My quilt is still at the cleaners. Jerry, I can't sleep without my quilt. Like the other night? I was cold. So, last night, I turn up the heat - it's too hot. I open up a window - it's too cold. (Frantic) I can't get into a zone!",JERRY,What is that? (Points to Kramer's pocket as Meryl comes back.)
KRAMER,Huh?,JERRY,That?
KRAMER,"Oh, I forgot. (Hands back Jerry's can opener.)",JERRY,"Hey, I'm sorry about all that can opener stuff."
MERYL,"Yeah, me too. I Love you.",JERRY,I Love you.
MERYL,"Well, goodnight.",JERRY,"Goodnight. (They kiss goodnight, then promptly roll away from each other and go to sleep.)"
GEORGE,"Well, what about the open-lipped kiss?",JERRY,(still watching tv; sounds like basketball) Bottle-wipe supercedes it.
GEORGE,I'll call a plumber right now! (Goes for the phone.),JERRY,"Alright, can we just drop all the pee-pipe stuff here?"
KRAMER,"Jerry, I think that quilt is ready.",JERRY,Alright.
KRAMER,"Well, you gotta pick it up for me!",JERRY,"Alright, I'll pick it up, but it's the last time I'm doin' it!"
KRAMER,Pale? Oh my God...I gotta meet Anna's parents today! (The phone rings.),JERRY,"Hello? Oh, hi honey. (annoyed, weary) Yes, I told him. I'll get it. (George and Elaine give each other a look, then leave Jerry to argue with Meryl on the phone.) Whenever. Okay, I'm sorry..."
MARTY,"Who the hell are you? Huh, It's not your quilt.",JERRY,"He's a very good friend of mine, he's kind've like an older brother to me...when things don't go right, he kinda takes it personally."
"KRAMER (angrily, to Jerry)",Maybe.,JERRY,"Oh, it's okay, it'll be okay."
KRAMER,"Alright, I'm gonna see you later.",JERRY,Where you goin'?
KRAMER,"I gotta meet Anna's parents today, remember? I look terrible! I'm gonna hit the tanning machines.",JERRY,I can't believe you still do that. You know those things are bad for ya.
KRAMER,"Hey, that's how I maintain my glow.",JERRY,I'm goin' home.
PAULA,I won't let you do this!,JERRY,I want to!
PAULA,But it isn't right! I can't.,JERRY,Give me the clothes.
PAULA,"Jerry, please. What about her?",JERRY,"Oh, the hell with her. (Paula dramatically flees from the coffee shop. Jerry thinks for a second, then follows her and catches up to her on the street.)"
PAULA,"No, Jerry, please!",JERRY,I'm not gonna let you walk out of my life.
PAULA (hands over the clothes),I can't fight you. (They embrace and kiss passionately.),JERRY,Do you want box or hanger?
MERYL (throws Paula's clothes at Jerry),You son of a bitch!,JERRY,I'm sorry.
MERYL,Who is she? I want to know who she is.,JERRY,It doesn't matter. I want a divorce.
MERYL,"A divorce? Oh, so you can marry her and give her the discount?",JERRY,"Yes, that's right."
MERYL,"What happened to us, Jerry?",JERRY,I'll tell you what happened. We got married.
MERYL,"I'm sorry, uh.. this is my fault. I pushed it on you.",JERRY,No. I guess I just wasn't ready for the responsibilities of a pretend marriage.
MERYL,"Goodbye, Jerry. Oh, I forgot...(reaches in her purse)...this is your maple syrup.",JERRY,"It's alright, I want you to have it."
MERYL,"(sentimental) Okay, thanks.",JERRY,We'll always have...pancakes.
GRANDPA (to Anna),I thought you said you was bringin' a white boy home! I don't see a white boy! I see a damn fool!,JERRY,You know their timing couldn't be worse.
GEORGE,Is there ever a good time to have your parents stay with you?,JERRY,"You don't understand, I haven't been together with Rachel for like three weeks. First I was on the road, then my parents show up, I'm getting a little uh backed up."
GEORGE,When are they leaving for Paris?,JERRY,Not for another three days.
GEORGE,What about her place?,JERRY,She lives with her parents.
GEORGE,"Really? (Jerry shakes his head) Maybe this will become like a cool thing, living with your parents.",JERRY,"(sarcastically) Ya, then maybe baldness will catch on. This will all be turning your way."
GEORGE,"Hey believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they're gonna relate to? Who do you think is going to be the first ones getting a tour of the ship?",JERRY,The baldies
GEORGE,Hey by the way my parents really want to have your parents over dinner before they leave town.,JERRY,"That's good, then I get the apartment for at least one night. You know I'm paying for this whole Paris trip it's their anniversary present."
GEORGE,Hey Alec,JERRY,Hey Alec
ALEC,"(grabs Joey to stop him) Ya alright Joey that's enough, let's go (walking over to the counter) See ya.",JERRY,What happened?
GEORGE,What could I do? Did you see the mug on that kid?,JERRY,(acting like Joey) Wouldn't you like to pass the ketchup to someone like me? Please?
GEORGE,Ya it used to be right in the middle of single Jeopardy and now they do it right after single Jeopardy.,JERRY,"Ya, it's much better isn't it?"
GEORGE,"Oh, n-no comparison.",JERRY,"Hey, I gotta stop off at the bookstore to pick up my parents one of those French-English dictionaries."
GEORGE,(stops Jerry realizing something) Hey hey hey hey hey hey.,JERRY,What?
GEORGE,Your parents are going to Paris right?,JERRY,Yea?
GEORGE,So I tell Alec that I have to go to Paris for an undetermined amount of time. Then all I have to do is buy some post cards and have your parents mail them from Paris.,JERRY,What about little Joey?
GEORGE,Who?,JERRY,"Ah, I think he's probably better off."
HELEN,Why are you doing this?,JERRY,He wants this guy to think he's in Paris.
HELEN,Why?,JERRY,Because George is a deeply disturbed individual.
KRAMER,Mmm (smelling the lotion as he rubs it in) I'm gonna remember that if I'm ever in Florida.,JERRY,"Ya, or if you're ever on Fifth Avenue here in New York City, you could get some there."
HELEN,"(looking at Morty) Uh oh I don't think we think we can make it tonight, (turns toward George) we have plans.",JERRY,(watching the whole conversation from his desk) What plans?
HELEN,(turns to Jerry) We have plans.,JERRY,Where'd you get plans?
GEORGE,(quietly) Ya.,JERRY,(walking over toward George and the door) I'll call you later.
GEORGE,Ya.,JERRY,So what plans do you have?
MORTY,We can't stand them.,JERRY,Really? Since when?
HELEN,Since always. We've never liked them.,JERRY,Why?
HELEN,"Well they're so loud, they're always fighting it's uncomfortable, you never notice?",JERRY,No I notice but they're from your age group I didn't know you could detect abnormal behavior among your own kind.
MORTY,Well we do.,JERRY,Ya?
ELAINE,It's us.,JERRY,U-oh come on up. (buzzes them up) It's Elaine you don't have a problem with her do you?
HELEN,We adore Elaine.,JERRY,"She wants to say hi, she's with her new boyfriend."
HELEN,What's he like?,JERRY,"He's nice, bit of a close talker."
HELEN,A what?,JERRY,"You'll see. (pause) Boy, I had no idea you felt this way about the Costanzas'"
ELAINE,"Oh, that is soo nice (very elaborate nice) Aaron. Isn't he nice? (to Helen) So listen has Jerry been showin' you a good time?",JERRY,No I haven't.
AARON,Oh. (getting into Jerry's face) How about you Jerry?,JERRY,I'm swamped.
AARON,You sure? You could examine the art work up close.,JERRY,Maybe I'll try and catch up with you.
HELEN & AARON,Bye.,JERRY,Ok buh bye. Have a good time.
AARON,See everybody later (Morty and Helen leave; Aaron closes the door blowing Elaine a kiss),JERRY,Ok.
ELAINE,Why would he ask your parents to go to a museum?,JERRY,I don't know.
ELAINE,What is that?,JERRY,Maybe he was just trying to be nice.
ELAINE,Have you ever heard of anyone doing anything like this?,JERRY,"Wait a second, he just did me a big favor."
ELAINE,What?,JERRY,(dialing) He got em out of the house.
ELAINE,What?,JERRY,Call Rachel.
ELAINE,Oh.,JERRY,"(on the phone) ah no, I got the machine. Rachel! Are you there?! I got the place to myself for a few hours! Rachel! Where are you? Rachel! (hangs up the phone very disappointed)"
GEORGE,I don't know what the reason could be.,JERRY,"(disappointed) Oh, Hi, hi."
MORTY,Jerry have you ever seen any of those impressionist paintings?,JERRY,Oh sure like Monet.
MORTY,Don't you think he had to be uh near sighted? I mean know body would paint like that if they could see. It's all out of focus.,JERRY,"Well he's from the impressionist school, you know like Monet, Manet, Tippi Tippi Dayday."
MORTY,I say the guy was painting without his glasses.,JERRY,"(answering phone) Hello? Rachel, ya uh no they're back."
HELEN,Jerry if you have something to do we could just sit right here and read.,JERRY,"Uh haha ya well uh I'm sorry too I'll call you later, ok bye (hangs phone up)"
AARON,(leaving) Bye,JERRY,Bye
KRAMER,Now what is Executive?,JERRY,The belt-less trench coat. My father invented it.
KRAMER,Yaaaa.,JERRY,This is like the meeting of Smith and Wesson.
MORTY,"I'll tell you how crazy I am, I'm gonna pay for this whole trip with these coats.",JERRY,N-na I'm paying for the trip.
KRAMER,Mmm,JERRY,He also came up with an idea for a brimless rain-hat but that never materialized. (to Morty) Alright come on let's play.
MORTY,I haven't been able to reach him. Hey I'll call him right now.,JERRY,Ah come on.
HELEN,Jerry have you seen Schindler's List?,JERRY,No I haven't seen it yet.
HELEN,Oh you have to go you have to,JERRY,I'm going
HELEN,You have to,JERRY,Ok
GEORGE,Aaaa (looking around for Jerry) aaaa (finds Jerry) Ah ha. They had plans huh? They were busy. They were busy with their (doing a little dance to make the plans seem all that important) big plans!,JERRY,What are you talking about?
GEORGE,Mom and Pop Seinfeld,JERRY,Look I don't know.
GEORGE,"Alright I happen to know what they did last night, they had dinner with Kramer.",JERRY,Oh they were tired it was a last minute thing.
GEORGE,So what's the deal they don't want to have dinner with my parents?,JERRY,That's right.
GEORGE,Is there something wrong with my parents?,JERRY,Absolutely
GEORGE,Because my parents happen to be two pretty wonderful people.,JERRY,These the people you currently live with?
GEORGE,Yes.,JERRY,Uh huh
GEORGE,So are they coming tonight or not?,JERRY,Look I really don't know what they're plans are.
GEORGE,"Ok, fine. It's going to be very interesting, very interesting if they don't show up tonight. You know my mother made all this Paella.",JERRY,What is that anyway?
GEORGE,"It's a spanish dish. It's a moulage of fish, an meat with rice. Very tasty.",JERRY,I-I'll tell 'em
GEORGE,Hey could you do one other thing for me?,JERRY,Name it.
GEORGE,You think your parents would have any objections to taking a little kid to Paris with them? (Jerry looks at him confused) It turns out that the kid's father lives in Paris. (chuckling) Is that a coincidence? (Jerry smilies) Eh you know Alec wants me to take him over there so I figure as long as they're going (claps),JERRY,"So you thought as long as they're mailing postcards, it wouldn't be too much to ask my parents to drag a child who they've never seen, through the streets of Paris?"
ELAINE,(somewhat annoyed) I really don't know Mr. Seinfeld,JERRY,(stopping them) We better not. (they make out some more; then stop) T-They're gonna be here any second.
RACHEL,When are they leaving?,JERRY,In two days.
RACHEL,It's been soo long.,JERRY,I know.
RACHEL,"Ok, it's only two more days.",JERRY,"Right, Thursday three o'clock."
HELEN,Ooh.,JERRY,Oh Hi.
HELEN,We didn't know you had company.,JERRY,(tucking in his shirt) Oh ya this is Rachel.
HELEN,Uh we'll come back another time.,JERRY,What other time?
HELEN,Whenever,JERRY,Where you goin'?
MORTY,Uh we'll drive around for a while.,JERRY,You don't have a car.
MORTY,We'll take a bus.,JERRY,Come on stop.
HELEN,Cuz we don't wann..,JERRY,(interrupting) No no it's ok. (walking Rachel out) So we'll go see Schindler's List later right?
RACHEL,Definitely,JERRY,Ok. Uh
HELEN,Nice meeting you.,JERRY,"Ok, see you later."
MORTY,Boy that was some show.,JERRY,What show?
MORTY,"""My Fair Lady""",JERRY,When did you get tickets to see that?
HELEN,"Aaron surprised us, and Elaine came.",JERRY,Oh (laughing) Elaine really? Well that sounds interesting.
MORTY,We saw Regis Philbin get out of a limousine.,JERRY,Oh.
HELEN,He looks better on TV.,JERRY,Oh
JACK,"Hello Jerry,",JERRY,Yea.
JACK,It's Jack Klompus.,JERRY,Oh hi Jack.
JACK,So when are you coming down to Florida again?,JERRY,As soon as is humanly possible.
JACK,"You know I still got that pen, the one that writes upside down.",JERRY,Yea yea ya I shoulda kept it.
JACK,So uh where's your father?,JERRY,Ya he's right here.
MORTY,My idiot son could open that garage door.,JERRY,What did I do?
HELEN,Thursday morning? You know we're leaving at three o'clock.,JERRY,(in a hurry) Yea you're leaving at three o'clock.
MORTY,Don't worry about it.,JERRY,(in a hurry) Ya how you gonna get all this done in time?
[Movie Theater,Schindler's List],JERRY,Hey.
HELEN,So how was the movie?,JERRY,"Oh, really good, really good."
HELEN,And didn't the three hours go by just like that (snaps her fingers),JERRY,Like that (snaps his fingers)
MORTY,"What about the end, with the list?",JERRY,Ya that was some list.
HELEN,What did you think about the black and white?,JERRY,(confused) The black and white.
MORTY,The whole movie was in black and white.,JERRY,"Oh yea, I didn't even realize."
MORTY,"You don't even think about it, there's so much going on.",JERRY,"Ya ya, I tell ya I could see it again."
ELAINE,"N-I know they're your parents Jerry an' they're very nice people. But don't you think it's odd, that a thirty-five year old man is going to these lengths to see that someone else's parents are enjoying themselves? I mean don't you find that abnormal?",JERRY,It is a tad askew.
ELAINE,I mean they're your parents and you don't do anything. So why is this stranger doing it?,JERRY,I've hardly been out to dinner with them.
ELAINE,"See, See, I can't even say anything you know because all he's really doing is being nice but but know body is this nice, this is like certifiably nice.",JERRY,You're right he's insane.
ELAINE,"Yes, he's insane, that's what I think.",JERRY,So what are you going to do?
ELAINE,"I don't know, I don't know what to do. (sighs) Oh god.... so how was the movie?",JERRY,Uh from what I saw it was pretty good.
ELAINE,Ya what do you mean from what you saw?,JERRY,Well I um I didn't ah actually get to see the whole movie.
ELAINE,Yea why not?,JERRY,I was kind of um (pauses) making out.
ELAINE,"(thinks for a second) You were making, out during Schindler's List?",JERRY,"I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone in a long time, it just got the better of me."
ELAINE,During Schindler's List?,JERRY,(trying to justify it) We're both living with our parents.
ELAINE,Did anybody see you? Did anyone say anything?,JERRY,No I don't think so. I saw Newman as I was leaving but see me.
NEWMAN,(laughing) Oh ho right. Well very nice seeing you folks and a by the way you didn't hear this from me. Tata (runs down the hallway laughing),JERRY,Hi (takes off his coat and puts it on the counter at which point his parents are both right by him as he goes into the refrigerator. He grabs a drink then turns around to see his parents right there) What? What did I do?
HELEN,How could you?,JERRY,How could I what?
HELEN,You were making out during Schindler's List?,JERRY,What? No.
MORTY,Don't lie Jerry.,JERRY,(turns) Newman.
HELEN,How could you do such a thing?,JERRY,"I couldn't help it. We hadn't been alone together in a long time and we just kinda started up a little during the coming attractions and the next thing we knew, the war was over."
JACK,"Hello Jerry, it's Jack Klompus.",JERRY,Hang on a second. (handing Morty the phone) Dad it's Klompus.
HELEN,Tomorrow afternoon?,JERRY,Tomorrow afternoon?
MORTY,"Alright alright, goodbye. (Morty hangs up the phone, Jack hangs up the phone) I don't think we are gonna make that flight.",JERRY,W-what do you mean you're not making the flight?
KRAMER,A mouse!,JERRY,You want the tickets?
GEORGE,Yes.,JERRY,You're gonna take this kid to Paris?
GEORGE,"Hey I get a free trip to Paris, I go in the Big Brother's Hall-of-Fame, I mail my own postcards.",JERRY,You know I'm paying for these tickets.
KRAMER,"Oh it's a orgiastic feast for the senses. The want and the festival, the sites, sounds, and colors an mmmummumm mumm",JERRY,Hey Dad are you sure we are at the right carousel?
MORTY,Just watch me do my thing.,JERRY,"Say Dad, (pointing at a raincoat sitting on the carousel next to an open box) isn't that one of yours?"
WOMAN,"Bon-jour, welcome to the Gateway to Paris Charter Flight.",JERRY,(turns around noticing the Charter flight) Dad isn't that your charter group?
ELAINE,Good-bye,JERRY,Take care
MORTY,Buh bye Elaine,JERRY,Buh bye.
AARON,Thank you.,JERRY,"I think she meant me, but."
MORTY,Make sure Kramer uses good tape when he sends back the raincoats.,JERRY,Ok.
ELAINE,Bye.,JERRY,Bye.
AARON,"(turning toward her) No, I could've called the travel agency, got them on another flight to Paris, I coulda got them out.",JERRY,"You tried Aaron, it was too expensive."
AARON,(to the Flight Agent) They'll get dehydrated on the plane! Get the Seinfelds some water. Please! Please!,JERRY,Hi Mr. Goldstein is Rachel home?
MR. GOLDSTEIN,"I'm afraid Rachel's not going to be able to see you tonight, or any other night for that matter.",JERRY,Why what did I do?
MR. GOLDSTEIN,"(Rachel is know seen behind her Dad) You know very well. I heard about your behavior at the movies the other night it was disgraceful. You should be ashamed of yourself, I for one will not allow my daughter to be involved with someone of such weak moral fiber. Fortunately my postman happened to have witnessed the entire incident. A heavy set fellow, I believe he lives in your building. (Jerry turns to almost do a 'Newman') Now if you don't mind. (starts to close the door)",JERRY,Rachel!
MR. GOLDSTEIN,(closing the door on Jerry) Good night!,JERRY,Rachel!
ELAINE,"Aahh, (pushes Jerry from her seat at the table) Get Out! How did it happen?",JERRY,"The broken window, Klompus never fixed it. They just walked right in."
ELAINE,"Oohh, boy. They could use a vacation.",JERRY,"Yea they're taking one, the travel agent is trying to set something else up for them."
ELAINE,(sighs) So how about that Aaron?,JERRY,Whew
ELAINE,You know what drove me crazy about him? Did you ever notice that he stood too close to you when he talked?,JERRY,No I hadn't noticed.
NEWMAN,(at the counter) Pair of bear claws please.,JERRY,(hearing Newman turns and sees him) Hiya Newman.
NEWMAN,(moving away from the counter getting closer to the door) Hello Jerry.,JERRY,"Say, I happened to catch you coming out of Schindler's List the other night."
NEWMAN,"Ohh, were you there?",JERRY,Yes I was.
NEWMAN,(looking scared) I-it's a it's a...powerful film.,JERRY,"Yes, shocking brutality don't you think?"
NEWMAN,(couple quick breaths) Shocking.,JERRY,"Yes, well that was nothing."
ELAINE (imitating Toby),"'Oooh, and that coffee table is saying, put some coffee on me!' I'd like to put some coffee on her. Hot, scalding coffee - right in her face! I swear! This is like working with a contestant from ""The Price Is Right""! (demonstrates a winner on ""The Price Is Right"")",JERRY,"Yeah, that's real interesting. Elaine, listen, tell me if you think this is funny - (reads comedy he's written) ""Men definitely hit the remote more than women...men don't care what's on TV, men only care what else is on TV. Women want to see what the show is before they change the channel, because men hunt and women nest."""
ELAINE (uninterested),"Yeah, it's funny, I dunno.",JERRY,"You don't know? Come on, that's gold!"
ELAINE,"Well, I don't know about ""gold.""",JERRY,"Oh, that's gold, baby."
ELAINE,"'Baby'? What, are you doing George now?",JERRY,I was saying 'baby' way before George!
ELAINE,"Well, I don't know, don't ask me any more questions about jokes, Jerry, it just puts too much pressure on me.",JERRY,"Well, this guy Leonard Christian's gonna be there tomorrow night."
ELAINE,"Yeah, who's he?",JERRY,He's a writer from Entertainment Weekly . I would like to have a good show.
KRAMER (to Jerry),"Hey, are you performing tomorrow?",JERRY,Yeah.
KRAMER,"Great, I'm gonna bring Toby.",JERRY,"Well, you better laugh 'cause I'm being reviewed. Leonard Christian's gonna be there."
KRAMER,Is that the waitress from the comedy club?,JERRY,Yeah.
KRAMER,She's got a kid?,JERRY,"Yeah, you should see George get along with this kid!"
TOBY,"Well, it's a possibility, like you said! Stranger things have happened! Thank you, Elaine. Thank you. (Exits.)",JERRY,"Hey, Ronnie."
RONNIE,Hey.,JERRY,(To bartender) Can I have a club soda? (To Ronnie) Goin' on tonight?
RONNIE,Yeah. You?,JERRY,Yeah.
RONNIE,You know Leonard Christian's here?,JERRY,"Yeah, I know."
RONNIE,Can I ask you something? Are my nostrils getting bigger?,JERRY,(looking at his nostrils) I don't...think so.
RONNIE,Are you sure? Take a good look. They seem a little bigger?,JERRY,I don't...I dunno.
RONNIE,Is it possible for nostrils to expand?,JERRY,"Oh, is this a bit?"
KRAMER,"Hey, Jerry.",JERRY,(turns to greet Kramer) Hey.
TOBY,"This is so exciting! Look, I have goosebumps! (To Jerry) Touch! Touch them! (Jerry touches her arm. Toby screeches with excitement.) I've never been to a comedy club before!",JERRY,"Really! You know, a lot of restaurants are serving brewed decaf now, too."
TOBY (laughing),You are so funny!,JERRY,"Oh, you'll have a good time, I swear."
TOBY (serious),"What about you? (laughs) I'm only kidding. You're funny, too. I love to laugh.",JERRY,"Good, good."
KRAMER (to Jerry),"So, you up next?",JERRY,"Yeah, why don't you guys get a table so you'll have good seats?"
KRAMER,"Alright, so you have a good show, huh buddy?",JERRY,Yeah.
TOBY,"Oh, have a great show. Hey, we'll make sure it's a great show!",JERRY,"O.k., good, I'll see you later. (Kramer and Toby are about to exit. She turns around and clutches Kramer's jacket.)"
TOBY,"Oh, he's so great! This is so great! I'm so excited!",JERRY,Men definitely hit the remote button more than women...
TOBY (loudly),"Oh, really! Really! That is so true!",JERRY,"Yes, yeah...see, men don't care what's on TV, men only care what else is on TV."
TOBY,"Oh, that is so true, yes!",JERRY,...that's why men hunt and women nest.
TOBY,BOO! BOO! Hiss! Boo! (Toby's obnoxious behavior causes Jerry to completely lose his place and mess up his act.),JERRY,"Yea, ya, so...anyway what was I talking about."
KRAMER,Hey.,JERRY,"Hey, what's the deal? What was goin' on there? I invite you down here, I have an important show, and she heckles me?!"
KRAMER,"Look, she didn't mean anything.",JERRY,"Well, what is the matter with her? Is she crazy?!"
KRAMER,"She's just being enthusiastic, that's all!",JERRY,Hey! What is wrong with you?!
TOBY,Me? Nothing's wrong with me.,JERRY,Y-You boo me?! You hiss?! You didn't stop blathering throughout the whole set!
TOBY,"Oh, come on! I thought you're a pro! That's part of the show.",JERRY,No! Not part of the show! Booing and hissing are not part of the show! You boo puppets! You hiss villains in silent movies!
TOBY,"Well, that's the way I express myself. How are you gonna make it in this business if you can't take it?",JERRY,"Oh, I can take it."
GEORGE,So she doesn't want to see me anymore.,JERRY,"Did you knock her over too, or just the kids?"
GEORGE,"No, her too. And her mother.",JERRY,Really? Her mother.
GEORGE,"Yeah. I may have stepped on her arm, too, I don't know.",JERRY,You probably couldn't see because of the smoke.
GEORGE,Yeah. But it was somebody's arm.,JERRY,"Hmm. So you feel ""women and children first,"" in this day and age, is somewhat of an antiquated notion."
GEORGE,To some degree.,JERRY,"So basically, it's every man, woman, child, and invalid for themselves."
GEORGE,In a manner of speaking.,JERRY,"Yeah, well, it's honest."
GEORGE,Yeah. She should be commending me for treating everyone like equals.,JERRY,"Well, perhaps when she's released from the burn center, she'll see things differently."
GEORGE,Perhaps.,JERRY,"So, what was the fire? Just a couple of greasy hamburgers?"
GEORGE,Yeah. Eric the Clown put it out with his big shoe.,JERRY,"By the way, did you see this? (Hands George a magazine)"
GEORGE,What's that?,JERRY,"It's the Leonard Christian article about my show. Plus my gig in Miami got cancelled, I betcha it's because of the article."
GEORGE,"Wow, he really does a number on you. (reads) ""Seinfeld froze like a deer in the headlights in the face of incessant heckling.""",JERRY,I should have let her have it! I held back because of Kramer.
GEORGE,You know what you oughta do. You should go to her office and heckle her.,JERRY,"Yeah, right."
GEORGE,"You know, like all the comedians always say, 'How would you like it if I came to where you work and heckled you?'",JERRY,"Yeah, that'd be something."
GEORGE,"I'm not kidding, you should do it.",JERRY,But wouldn't that be the ultimate comedian's revenge? I've always had a fantasy about doing that.
GEORGE,"Well, go ahead! Do it!",JERRY,Why can't I?
GEORGE,No reason!,JERRY,"You know what? I think I'm gonna do that! She came down to where I work, I'll go down to where she works!"
GEORGE,This is unprecedented!,JERRY,"There's no precedent, baby!"
GEORGE,What...are you using my babies now?,JERRY,"Hey, nice shoes. What, you wear sandals to work? It's always nice to walk into a room and get the aroma of feet. That's real conducive to the work atmosphere. I'm sure your co-workers really appreciate it. 'Hey, let's go eat in Toby's office. Great idea! We can check on her bunions!'"
TOBY,"You know, I have work to do here! I'm very busy!",JERRY,"Oh, is this disruptive? You find it hard to work with someone...interrupting?"
TOBY,"Well, how would you like it if I called security?",JERRY,"Security? Well, I don't know how you're gonna make it in this business if you can't take it! Ya gotta be tough! Booo! Boooo!"
KRAMER,"Hey, what's going on?",JERRY,Boo!
KRAMER,What's happenin' here?,JERRY,Hiss!
KRAMER,What did you go up there to heckle her for?,JERRY,Because she came down to the club and heckled me! Give her a taste of her own medicine! (George enters.)
KRAMER,"Oh, YEAH! You gave her a taste of medicine, alright.",JERRY,"Well, I didn't want her to have an accident."
KRAMER,"Yeah. Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to, and he starts chokin' me! So I'm fightin' him off with one hand and I kept drivin' the bus with the other, y'know? Then I managed to open up the door, and I kicked him out the door you know with my foot, you know - at the next stop.",JERRY,You kept makin' all the stops?
TOBY,"Oh well, I could use some coffee.",JERRY,She got the promotion?
ELAINE (standing in the doorway),Yep.,JERRY,Why?
ELAINE,"I'll tell ya why. Because of her pinky toe, that's why. Because Lippman felt so sorry for her, he didn't want to hurt her feelings.",JERRY,Too bad.
ELAINE,"Sure, the pinky toe is cute! But, I mean, what is it? It's useless! It does nothing. It's got that little nail that is just impossible to cut. What do we need it for?",JERRY,"Because Elaine, that's the one that goes 'wee-wee-wee all the home.'"
ELAINE,"Oh, of course! She's deranged.",JERRY,"I went down to the magazine, I pleaded with him to come and see me again, finally he agreed to come down tonight, and he's going to write another article."
RONNIE,I heard you went down to somebody's office and heckled them?,JERRY,Damn right! We've been lapdogs long enough!
RONNIE,"How could you do that? I mean, everybody's talking about it.",JERRY,"Yeah well, it's about time one of us drew a line in the sand."
RONNIE,"Jerry, you're like Rosa Parks. You opened the door for all of us. I can't wait till the next time someone heckles me.",JERRY,"Yeah, well, it won't be long."
ANNOUNCER,"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jerry Seinfeld!",JERRY,Gotta go. (heads out on stage)
GEORGE,O.k....(is about to explain. Cut to Jerry on-stage.),JERRY,"I mean, Bozo the Clown...I mean does he really need ""the clown"" in his title, as clown? Bozo, ""the"" clown? Are we going to confuse him with Bozo the district attorney? Bozo the pope? There's no other Bozo..."
RONNIE (points his water gun at the bartender),"Alright, hand it over man!",JERRY,...that's why men hunt and women nest.
RONNIE (points to his nose),Nostrils.,JERRY,George - could I have a word?
KRAMER,"All right, get off at the next exit.",JERRY,"Kramer, I've driven to east Hampton many times, I know the exit."
KRAMER,"It's a great house, pool, sun deck? Yeah, I'll be there.",JERRY,(To Elaine) You sure we're makin' the right move?
ELAINE,"We gotta see the new baby anyway, at least we'll get a weekend in the Hamptons out of it.",JERRY,Didn't they just have a baby?
ELAINE,"That was two years ago, remember? 'Jeh-Ree, you gotta see the Bay-Bee! You gotta see the Bay-Bee!'",JERRY,Is it possible they're just having babies to get people to visit them?
KRAMER,"Hey Jerry, you ever wear silk underwear?",JERRY,No.
KRAMER,Put that on the top of your list.,JERRY,"No, not for me. A little too delightful. Well, George and Jane should be almost there by now."
ELAINE,"Oh, isn't that weird that George and Jane haven't had sex yet, but they're spending a weekend together?",JERRY,"I know, George is pretty pleased about it. It's like she signed a letter of intent."
ELAINE,When's Rachel comin' out?,JERRY,She's makin' the three o'clock train.
ELAINE,"Her father is so religious, I'm just amazed that he's letting you see her again after that Schindler's List make-out session.",JERRY,I bought him some kishka.
KRAMER,What's that?,JERRY,"It's kind of a stuffed meat thing. Israeli soldiers carry it. In case they're captured behind enemy lines, they eat it and it kills them."
KRAMER,Hey Jerry. Rub some lotion on my back.,JERRY,"Who are you, Mrs. Robinson?"
KRAMER,"Come on, I'll rub some on yours.",JERRY,"No, that's no sweet'ning the deal. No."
GEORGE,"'Kay. I'll uh, I'll see you later. Anybody want some tomatoes?",JERRY,No thanks.
JANE,"I'm gonna take a dip. (She leaves for beach, Elaine enters with a shady hat on)",JERRY,And then there's Maude. (She sits down next to Jerry)
ELAINE,"Look at my face, look at it. You see any lines?",JERRY,No lines.
ELAINE,You know why? One word shade.,JERRY,So when are we gonna see this baby? When is the momentous event?
ELAINE,(Sarcastic) No thanks. I got plenty of girlfriends.,JERRY,(Looking toward beach) Oh this is interesting.
ELAINE,What?,JERRY,Jane's topless. (They all look)
KRAMER,Yo yo ma.,JERRY,Boutros Boutros-Ghali.
CAROL,"Come on, you guys. You can come and see the bay-bee!",JERRY,"Oh, in a minute, Carol."
KRAMER,We're gonna be right there.,JERRY,This is weird wild stuff. George hasn't even seen her yet.
KRAMER,"You know, get some good word of mouth goin'.",JERRY,"Oh, here she comes. (They pretend to not have watched as Jane enters)"
JANE,I'm thirsty. Anyone want a drink?,JERRY,No thanks.
ELAINE,"Oh, gorgeous, yes.",JERRY,So very gorgeous.
CAROL,"Michael, shut the door! You're letting bugs in.",JERRY,Is it me or was that the ugliest baby you have ever seen?
ELAINE,"Uh, I couldn't look. It was like the Pekinese.",JERRY,"Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool. (They sit) And, you know, the thing is, they're never gonna know, no one's ever gonna tell them."
ELAINE,"Oh, you have to lie.",JERRY,It's a must lie situation.
ELAINE,"Yes, it's a must lie situation.",JERRY,"You know, I don't think we should tell George we saw Jane topless."
ELAINE,"No, I don't think so.",JERRY,In fact remind me to tell Kramer too.
BEN,"Uh, Sure. (Elaine celebrates to herself as Jerry enters and quickly looks away from the baby)",JERRY,"Ah, I'm gonna go pick up Rachel at the station."
ELAINE,"Yeah, see ya.",JERRY,Okay. (He leaves)
RACHEL,Train was so crowded. I had to sit in the seat facing the wrong way.,JERRY,Oh I like that. It's like going back in time. (George comes outside)
GEORGE,What kind of a greeting was that?,JERRY,She's got greeting problems.
GEORGE,"Yeah. I love Hampton tomatoes. You know, you can eat 'em like apples. You know it's funny, the tomato never really took on as a hand fruit.",JERRY,"Well, the tomato's an anomaly. So successful with the ketchup and the sauce, but you can't find a good one. (Kramer enters with a box of lobster)"
GEORGE,"Hey! Wow, the K-Man! (They walk into the kitchen inside)",JERRY,You got lobster for everybody?
KRAMER,"Yeah, I saw Jane topless. Well, we all saw her.",JERRY,(Jerry realizes the situation is hopeless) All right.
GEORGE,You saw Jane topless?,JERRY,"Well, when you went for the tomatoes she lied out topless."
GEORGE,Oh you mean face down on her chest.,JERRY,No.
GEORGE,Face up on her back?,JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,I can't believe that you saw her before me.,JERRY,Think of me as a doctor. (They go outside again)
GEORGE,"Well, how good a look did you get?",JERRY,Well what'd you mean?
GEORGE,"Well, if she was a criminal and you had to describe her to a police sketch artist...",JERRY,They'd pick her up in about ten minutes.
GEORGE,"Great, great. So anytime you want you can just visualize her naked.",JERRY,(looking of into the distance) I guess that's true...
GEORGE,"Stop it, stop it! It's not fair. It's not fair. I don't like this situation, Jerry. I don't like it one bit.",JERRY,What do you want me to do? You wanna see Rachel naked?
GEORGE,"Yes, yes! The punishment should fit the crime.",JERRY,You can see me naked. I can offer you that.
ELAINE,Nobody ever called me breathtaking before.,JERRY,I've never been called breathtaking either.
ELAINE,"I mean, if he thinks that that baby's breathtaking, then who's not breathtaking?",JERRY,Maybe he just said it because the mother was in the room.
ELAINE,"Yeah, right, that's a possibility. I have to find out.",JERRY,How are you gonna do that?
GEORGE,"I'm sorry, uh, it's not like I'm gonna see something I've never seen before.",JERRY,You might have.
GEORGE,I didn't.,JERRY,You won't.
RACHEL,"What'd you want anyway, George?",JERRY,"Yes, George. I'm kind of wondering myself. What is it what you want?"
GEORGE,"No, I was just wondering... if you guys, uh, had any gum.",JERRY,"Oh! So you were swimming in the pool, and you wanted some gum."
RACHEL,Strange man.,JERRY,Wait'll you get to know him.
RACHEL,"So where is this baby, anyway?",JERRY,"Oh, check it out. I guarantee you've never seen anything quite so objectionable. It's down the hall, third door on your left. (Rachel walks down hall, walks in on George changing out of his swimsuit)"
GEORGE,Did she do it on purpose?,JERRY,"It was my fault, I told her the wrong door."
GEORGE,I was supposed to see her. She wasn't supposed to see me.,JERRY,So what?
GEORGE,Well ordinarily I wouldn't mind. But...,JERRY,But...
GEORGE,Well I just got back from swimming in the pool. And the water was cold...,JERRY,Oh... You mean... shrinkage.
GEORGE,Yes. Significant shrinkage.,JERRY,So you feel you were short changed.
GEORGE,"Yes! I mean, if she thinks that's me she's under a complete misapprehension. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me.",JERRY,"Well, so what's the difference?"
GEORGE,What if she discusses it with Jane?,JERRY,"Oh, she's not gonna tell Jane."
GEORGE,How do you know?,JERRY,Women aren't like us.
GEORGE,"They're worse! They're much worse than us, they talk about everything! Couldn't you at least tell her about the shrinkage factor?",JERRY,"No, I'm not gonna tell her about your shrinkage. Besides, I think women know about shrinkage."
GEORGE,How do women know about shrinkage?,JERRY,Isn't it common knowledge?
GEORGE,No.,JERRY,Like when a man goes swimming... afterwards...
ELAINE,It shrinks?,JERRY,Like a frightened turtle!
ELAINE & JERRY,No!,JERRY,"No, you don't wanna do that. You'll be uncomfortable."
ELAINE,"Yeah, finish eating. The baby's not gonna have any fun over here. We're-We're not fun for a baby.",JERRY,"Yeah, the lobster'll scare him."
JANE,What is it with you?,JERRY,(To George) Easy big fella.
BEN,"Well, you know Elaine, sometimes you say things just to be nice. (Elaine relieved, then confused, not knowing if he was being nice to her or to the baby)",JERRY,You told her?
RACHEL,"Yeah, what's the big deal?",JERRY,"You don't understand. This organ, it's very... schizophrenic."
RACHEL,I just heard a car drive out. What was that?,JERRY,"Oh, that's just Jane driving home to New York in the middle of the night. (Rachel shocked)"
RACHEL,"You're right, I would have.",JERRY,"(Referring to George) Hey, look at this guy."
GEORGE,A little breakfast.,JERRY,Yeah.
RACHEL,"Yes, I do. Thank you.",JERRY,"Geez, these are delicious. Where did you learn to make eggs like this?"
GEORGE,"Not that much. You know, they tend to shrink in the water.",JERRY,"Well, I guess I gotta go, too."
ELAINE,"Hey, if you saw me naked, I wouldn't want to ride back in the same car with you either.",JERRY,I still can't believe Michael finked on Kramer.
ELAINE,How is he gonna pay off a thousand dollar fine?,JERRY,They got some sort of program.
GEORGE,"Hey, there's a tomato stand, let's stop, I can get some more.",JERRY,"Hey, isn't that Michael's car?"
ELAINE,You really oughtta do something about that cold.,JERRY,You got a raise?
ELAINE,"I don't fool around, (banging on the table) baby!",JERRY,I thought you said Pendant was in financial trouble.
ELAINE,"They were, but they're being absorbed by Matsushimi, that big Japanese conglomerate.",JERRY,"Oh, when did that happen?"
ELAINE,They're signing the papers next week.,JERRY,Does this mean they're gonna be publishing Kramer's coffee table book?
ELAINE,"Yeah, they'll definitely do it now.",JERRY,"Boy, you're on quite a streak. Job promotion, plus you're back with Jake Jarmal."
ELAINE,"Yeah, it's gettin' serious, we're talking about moving in together.",JERRY,"Boy, you really got it all, I'm sure Helen ""Girlie"" Brown would be very proud of you."
GEORGE,I went to the beach. (Jerry and Elaine exchange looks),JERRY,"Oh, the beach."
GEORGE,"It's not working, Jerry. It's just not working. (sits down next to Elaine)",JERRY,What is it that isn't working?
GEORGE,"Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. (Elaine turns showing disagreement) Oh, maybe not academically speaking, (Elaine nods correct) I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party.",JERRY,(pointing to napkins; to Elaine) Could I get napkin over there?
ELAINE,"Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.",JERRY,"You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, 'cuz salmon swim against the current, (hand motion of the salmon swimming against the current) and the tuna swim with it. (hand motion of the tuna swimming with it)"
GEORGE,"Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women.",JERRY,"Well here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them."
GEORGE,"Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.",JERRY,"If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right."
VICTORIA,I'm Victoria. Hi.,JERRY,"(on the phone) Are you kidding? They can't cancel that show on me now, it's too late for me to book anything else for that weekend. Alright, alright ... okay, bye. (hangs up the phone)"
KRAMER,"Hey. Buddy, it's all happening!",JERRY,What's happening?
KRAMER,The coffee table book. It's a go-oo!,JERRY,"Oh yeah, I heard all about it."
KRAMER,You know what this means? I'm starting the book tour. First stop  Regis and Kathy Lee.,JERRY,You're going on Regis and Kathy Lee?
KRAMER,"Oh, you better believe it!",JERRY,I'll loan you my puffy shirt.
KRAMER,"No, no, no.",JERRY,What're you gonna talk about?
KRAMER,"Well, coffee tables.",JERRY,"Hello? What? Yeah, sure, I'll do it. I just had something cancelled the same weekend. Ok. Great. Bye. (hangs up the phone; turns to Kramer) You know, life is amazing. I just lost a job and five minutes later get another, same weekend, same money."
POKER PLAYER #3,Lost 15.,JERRY,(shocked) Broke even.
REGIS,We'll be right back in a moment.,JERRY,So it's all over?
ELAINE,"Yeah, it got pretty nasty.",JERRY,And what did you go back for? Jujyfruit?
ELAINE,It's not like I went across the street. I bought the Jujyfruit and I got in a cab.,JERRY,Why didn't you eat it in the cab?
ELAINE,What's all this?,JERRY,Played cards last night.
ELAINE,Oh yeah? How'd you do?,JERRY,Broke even.
ELAINE,You always break even.,JERRY,"Yeah, I know; like yesterday I lost a job, and then I got another one, and then I missed a TV show, and later on they re-ran it. And then today I missed a train, went outside and caught a bus. It never fails! I always even out!"
ELAINE,Do you have twenty bucks?,JERRY,What for?
ELAINE,Just gimme twenty bucks.,JERRY,(shocked) What the hell was that?
ELAINE,Let's see if you get the twenty bucks back.,JERRY,You know you could've thrown a pencil out the window and seen if that came back.
ELAINE,"You know, things were going so good for me, you know, I got the job promotion, we were talking about moving in together -",JERRY,"Well, maybe next time someone's in a car accident you won't stop off for candy first."
GEORGE,"Hey, I just found twenty dollars! I tell you this, something is happening in my life. I did this opposite thing last night. Up was down, black was white, good was -",JERRY,Bad.
GEORGE,Yes!,JERRY,So you just did the opposite of everything?
GEORGE,"Yes. And listen to this, listen to this; her uncle works for the Yankees and he's gonna get me a job interview. A front office kind of thing. Assistant to the traveling secretary. A job with the New York Yankees! This has been the dream of my life ever since I was a child, and it's all happening because I'm completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgment I have had. This is no longer just some crazy notion. Elaine, Jerry, this is my religion.",JERRY,So I guess your Messiah would be the Anti-Christ.
GEORGE,Yes funny (laughs; hand clap) let's go.,JERRY,Elaine ... look! A twenty!
TINA,"Well, let's see. (Takes out a list from her bag)",JERRY,"I'll tell you what the big advantage of homosexuality is. If you're going out with someone your size, right there you double your wardrobe."
RACHEL,I suppose...,JERRY,"Oh, come on, that's a huge feature. When they approach a new recruit, I'm sure that's one of the big selling points."
RACHEL,(sighs) Jerry ...,JERRY,Yes?
RACHEL,I've been doing a lot of thinking.,JERRY,Uh huh?
RACHEL,"Well, I don't think we should see each other any more.",JERRY,"Oh, that's okay."
RACHEL,(confused) What?,JERRY,"Nah, that's fine. No problem. I'll meet somebody else."
RACHEL,You will?,JERRY,"Sure. See, things always even out for me."
RACHEL,Huh?,JERRY,"It's fine. Anyway, it's been really nice dating you for a while. And uh good luck!"
RACHEL,"Yeah, you too.",JERRY,(leaving; singing) She'll be coming around the mountain...
GEORGE,The New York Yankees!,JERRY,"Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle ... Costanza?"
GEORGE,"I'm the assistant to the travelling secretary. I'm going on the road trips with 'em! I'll be on the plane... I'm working in Yankee Stadium! This is a dream, I'm busting, Jerry, I'm busting!",JERRY,I can't believe it.
GEORGE,Ya!,JERRY,Ya?
ELAINE,(on buzzer) It's me.,JERRY,(buzzes Elaine up) Come on up.
GEORGE,"And I'm moving out of my parents' house, I'm taking that apartment on 86th street, remember the one we saw?",JERRY,That's a great place!
GEORGE,"I'm back in business, baby!",JERRY,"George, I wouldn't get too excited about this stuff, you know, things have a way of evening out."
GEORGE,"Hey! (to Elaine, who doesn't look too cheerful)",JERRY,Hi Elaine.
ELAINE,Hi.,JERRY,How're things going?
ELAINE,How're things going? You wanna know how things are going? I'll tell you how things are going. I am getting kicked out of my apartment!,JERRY,Why? Why are they doing that?
ELAINE,I don't know! They have a list of grievances.,JERRY,The jewel thief?
ELAINE,"Yeah, the jewel thief.",JERRY,What else?
ELAINE,Stick ... with the opposite. (Slaps George on the forehead),JERRY,"Elaine, don't get too down. Everything'll even out, see, I have two friends, you were up, (has his one hand up and his other hand down) he was down. Now he's up, (switches the positioning of his hands) you're down. You see how it all evens out for me?"
MR. LIPPMAN,"I ... I'm sorry, I can't shake your hand right now. It's germs.",JERRY,Is that the end of it?
GEORGE,"Yeah, it's the last one.",JERRY,Alright.
ESTELLE,"Jerry, did you hear this?",JERRY,He knows what he's doing.
GEORGE,"I just want the both of you to know how much you mean to me, and I love you both very, very much.",JERRY,Opposite.
ELAINE,I must've had at least eight in my mouth. I couldn't talk. I couldn't talk!,JERRY,Why'd you have to eat so many?
ELAINE,Because they're Jujyfruit. I like them. I didn't know it would start a chain reaction that would lead to the end of Pendant Publishing.,JERRY,Not to mention the end of Kramer's coffee table book.
ELAINE,Do you know what's going on here? Can't you see what's happened? I've become George.,JERRY,Don't say that.
KRAMER,"Wait, wait, wait, that's too much. Mine was more than yours.",JERRY,Ah ... let's call it even.
ELAINE,"Oh, you want one?",JERRY,Yeah.
ELAINE,I'll get it. (Reaches in her bag for money.),JERRY,"That's alright, I got it."
ELAINE,Jerry!,JERRY,"Elaine, stop it."
ELAINE,"Hey, just because I'm not working doesn't mean I haven't got any money. (To vendor) Yo! Dogs! Two!",JERRY,I'm sorry.
ELAINE,"Ooh, I gotta check my machine. I'm waiting to hear about an interview. Doubleday is looking for somebody to replace Jackie Onassis.",JERRY,"Oh, she worked at Doubleday...?"
ELAINE,"Yeah, she was an editor.",JERRY,"Right, just like you."
MISS RHODE ISLAND,"No, thanks. I'm watching my weight.",JERRY,"Ah. I'm watching my height. My doctor doesn't want me to get any taller. So you're Miss, uh..."
MISS RHODE ISLAND,Rhode Island.,JERRY,I was almost Mr. Coffee. They felt I was a little too relaxed. (Miss Rhode Island laughs.)
GEORGE,Miss Rhode Island? When are you seeing her?,JERRY,"Tonight. I have to call her, she's staying in a hotel."
GEORGE,You're incredible.,JERRY,"And get this - I'm working in Atlantic City this weekend, and she's going to be down there for the pageant."
GEORGE,"What if she becomes Miss America? You could be dating Miss America, Jerry!",JERRY,"The only bad thing is, we have to go out with a chaperone."
GEORGE,"Chaperone? What, are you kidding?",JERRY,"No, it's part of the contest rules."
GEORGE,What does the chaperone do?,JERRY,"I don't know, she just sits there."
GEORGE,Can she talk?,JERRY,I'm not sure if she's allowed to talk. (Picks up the phone and dials.)
GEORGE,You're calling her?,JERRY,"Yeah. (sings) There she is...Miss - yes, room 417 please? Karen Hanson?"
GEORGE,"Hey, did you know that the Yankees don't wear cotton jerseys?",JERRY,"Of course, they're polyester."
GEORGE,"Well, what is that? That's a crime! Do you know how hot those things get? They should be wearing cotton.",JERRY,Why do they wear polyester?
GEORGE,I don't know. That's all gonna change.,JERRY,You're going to do something about it?
ELAINE,I was a great admirer of Mrs. Onass-sis-sis-sis...,JERRY,"Hello, Karen? It's Jerry Seinfeld. Oh, that's very sweet of you. You know, you better be careful, you don't want to get too congenial. They'll slap that ""Miss Congeniality"" on you, and you'll congene yourself right out of the contest. So, what time do you want to get together later? What? So what, we don't need the chaperone. (To George) The chaperone can't make it. (To Karen) Oh, you're not gonna get disqualified! So, we're not going? (Kramer enters.) Hold on one second. (To Kramer) Hey, what are you doing tonight?"
KRAMER,Nothin.',JERRY,"I'm going out with one of the Miss America contestants, you wanna go?"
KRAMER,What state?,JERRY,Rhode Island.
KRAMER,Because I've seen every Miss America pageant since I was six.,JERRY,"Look, do you want to go or not? I'll buy you dinner."
SHOWALTER (considering),Hmm. Cotton uniforms.,JERRY,Congratulations!
ELAINE,"Yeah! And the best part is, I still get to look for work in publishing.",JERRY,"Now, what is it that you do, exactly?"
ELAINE,I attend to his personal affairs.,JERRY,Like what?
ELAINE,"Well, like tomorrow for example, I have to uh...I have to buy him some socks.",JERRY,Really! Socks!
ELAINE,Yeah. White ones. Like the ones you wear with sneakers.,JERRY,"Hey, maybe you can pick me up some underwear! (Kramer enters.)"
KRAMER (shows Jerry his outfit),"So, what do you think? Does this work?",JERRY,"Listen...tonight, after we finish eating, you make like you got something else to do and just ""recede into the night,"" if you know what I mean."
KRAMER,No way!,JERRY,What?
KRAMER,"Look, if you think I'm just going to step aside and do nothing while you defile this woman, you're crazy.",JERRY,"I'm not going to ""defile"" her!"
KRAMER,"That's right, because I'm going to see it doesn't happen. Look, Jerry, these girls are Miss America contestants. It's every little girl's dream. And I'm not going to let you trample that dream and make a mockery of everything the pageant stands for.",JERRY,But -
KRAMER (holds up his hand),AAAH! No buts! Those are my rules.,JERRY,But wait a minute...
KAREN,"As Miss America, I would try and bring an end to world hunger. If every person sacrificed one meal a week, there would be enough to feed the whole world!",JERRY,That's a hell of a plan. (To Kramer) Listen -
KRAMER (to Karen),What advice would you give young people?,JERRY,"Alright, Kramer!"
KRAMER,"Well, take you for example. Now, you're very attractive, but you got a big waist.",JERRY,"Hey, come on!"
KRAMER,"Oh, yeah. Just - thip! - suck you in.",JERRY,I'll be right back. (Leaves the table.)
KAREN,That makes sense. (The limo stops at Karen's hotel.),JERRY,"Well, here we are..."
KRAMER,Hey.,JERRY,"Well, if it isn't Mr. Blackwell."
KRAMER,"Oh, come on.",JERRY,"And that waist cincher, that was the topper!"
KRAMER,"Oh, you're poo-pooing!",JERRY,"Yes, I poo-poo."
KRAMER,"Well, let me tell you something. I'm taking this kid to the top. To the top, Jerry! We're going for the crown, and you can't stop her!",JERRY,I don't want to stop her!
KRAMER,"You can't stop her, Jerry! Oh, I've seen 'em come and go, but this kid has got something! (Turns to leave.)",JERRY,"Yeah, so do you. (George enters with a newspaper.)"
GEORGE,"Well, did you see it?",JERRY,See what?
GEORGE,"The uniforms! Did you see how they played? Listen to these comments! (reads from the paper) ""Wade Boggs 'What a fabric! Finally we can breathe.' Luis Palonia 'Cotton is king.' Paul O'Neill 'I never dreamed anything could be so soft and fluffy.' """,JERRY,"Boy, they really do sound comfortable."
GEORGE (noticing Jerry's suitcase),"Hey, where ya goin'?",JERRY,I'm working in Atlantic City.
GEORGE,Really!,JERRY,"Yeah. Hey, you're not working this weekend, why don't you come down?"
GEORGE,Atlantic City? (thinks) Yes! Yes! I will go to Atlantic City. I'm in. I'm down.,JERRY,"You know what, maybe Elaine wants to go too, lemme call her. (Picks up the phone.) She's at Mr. Pitt's, I think I got the number..."
PITT,Hello?,JERRY,"Hi, Mr. Pitt! Is Elaine there?"
ELAINE,Sorry. Hello?,JERRY,"Hey Elaine, it's me."
ELAINE,Jerry?,JERRY,We're going to Atlantic City.
ELAINE,Really? When?,JERRY,"Today, right now! Are you in?"
ELAINE (to Jerry),I can't go.,JERRY,Why not?
GEORGE,How was the show?,JERRY,Good. How was the roulette?
GEORGE,"I won fifty bucks! Boy, this is great. Too bad Elaine's not here.",JERRY,"Yeah, all she had to do was buy Mr. Pitt a pair of socks!"
PITT,"I want a decent sock that's comfortable, that will stay on my foot!!",JERRY,What the hell is that?
GEORGE,Me either. Is there anything you can do to shut them up?,JERRY,"Wait a second. (Grabs the icebucket off the counter.) This'll scare 'em off. (Dumps the bucket of water over the balcony. We hear a loud squawking noise and the flapping of wings, then the noise is gone. Jerry gets back into bed.) Well, good night, Ollie."
KRAMER,"Well, that's it! She's out of the pageant!",JERRY,What? Why? What happened?
KRAMER,Her birds are dead.,JERRY,Birds?
KRAMER,"Yeah, birds. She's got these trained doves, she does this magic act, that was her talent for the pageant. You know what I think, Jerry? I think somebody murdered those doves. Somebody wanted her out of that contest bad. Somebody who was just eaten up with jealousy. Somebody who just couldn't stand to have the spotlight taken off of them! (Kramer turns around and notices the empty icebucket on the edge of Jerry's balcony.)",JERRY,"What are you looking at? (Kramer goes out onto the terrace and looks down.) Oh, that! We had to leave that outside, last night, because the water was making the room too cold."
KRAMER (comes back inside with his finger pointed at Jerry),"You killed them, didn't you?",JERRY,"No, you don't understand - it's not what you think! It was an accident!"
KRAMER,"Well, don't think you've won, because you haven't! This kid is a fighter! And if you think I'm gonna let a couple of dead birds get in our way, you're crazy!",JERRY,"Kramer, you gotta explain to her what happened...! (Kramer exits.)"
GEORGE (comes out of the bathroom brushing his teeth),What was that all about?,JERRY,"Oh, it was just Kramer...apparently I killed Miss Rhode Island's doves with a bucket of water last night."
PHILBIN,"And now, let's welcome Karen Ann Hanson, Miss Rhode Island!",JERRY,I heard those doves were really incredible.
GEORGE,That's a shame. (Karen is shown singing off-key on the television.),JERRY,It's like watching an animal get tortured.
GEORGE,"Hey, hey! Yankee game! (Changes the channel.)",JERRY,"Oh, great! Alright. (We hear the announcers calling the game.)"
ANNOUNCER #2,"Oh my God, Mattingly just split his pants!",JERRY,That's a shame.
ELAINE,"Okay, (to Jerry) Move along. . .",JERRY,Why did you give him MY number?
ELAINE,I think he's got ideas.,JERRY,I wonder if any woman ever said that about Einstein?
ELAINE,"Just call me when the new pen comes in, okay?",JERRY,Why does Mr. Pitt prefer a pencil to a pen anyway? Hey. Look who's here.
JULIE,Hi Jerry.,JERRY,Hi Julie.
GEORGE,"Hey, wanna get some lunch?",JERRY,Just had a big bowl of Kix.
GEORGE,"No, no, Hey I'll get it. What's in the BIG salad?",JERRY,"Big lettuce, big carrots, tomatoes like volleyballs."
ELAINE,Maybe I should just get married.,JERRY,Dating is really starting to get embarrassing isn't it?
ELAINE,"I know. You know, whenever I'm on a date I feel people can tell.",JERRY,People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.
ELAINE,You can say that again.,JERRY,"It's embarrassing for them. It's painful for us to watch. I'm going out with someone later, I'm not even taking her out of the house."
ELAINE,Good for you.,JERRY,I don't need a bunch of people staring at us.
ELAINE,Right on baby. (???),JERRY,What was that?
KRAMER,"Umph, sorry! But the rules clearly state that you cannot clean the ball unless it's on the green. The rules are very clear about that.",JERRY,Certainly are.
KRAMER,He LOST IT! We almost came to blows. We were face to face like a manager and an umpire like this . . kara a pukka ba ya ka ba . . .,JERRY,All right. You're in MY face.
JULIE,"Oh, thank you.",JERRY,"(on phone) Hello. No she's not here. Okay, fine, whatever. I'll tell her. Okay. Goodbye. The stationery store guy called to say he ORDERED your pencil."
ELAINE,I told ya'. He has ideas.,JERRY,He doesn't even care if a man answers.
JULIE,"Okay, I'll see you later. Goodbye.",JERRY,Bye bye
GEORGE,Did you see what just happened?,JERRY,"Well, that all depends. . ."
GEORGE,Did you happen to notice that Julie handed the big salad to Elaine?,JERRY,"Yeah, so?"
GEORGE,"Well, she didn't BUY the big salad. I bought the big salad.",JERRY,Is that a fact?
GEORGE,Yes it is. She just took credit for my salad. That's not right.,JERRY,No it isn't.
GEORGE,I mean I'm the one who bought it.,JERRY,Yes you did.
GEORGE,You think she should have said something?,JERRY,She could have.
GEORGE,"Oh, I know.",JERRY,"Imagine, her taking credit for your big salad."
GEORGE,You know you buy a big salad for somebody it would be nice if they knew it.,JERRY,Obviously.
KRAMER,Turn on the TV.,JERRY,What?
KRAMER,Jerry . . .,JERRY,"Well, it has nothing to do with you."
KRAMER,"Yeah, but maybe he was so mad from the penalty stroke that he murdered the dry cleaner.",JERRY,"Well, generally speaking you don't need any extra incentive to murder a dry cleaner. I wouldn't worry about that."
GEORGE,There is no problem. . . just a small miscommunication. Whereby you thanked her instead of the person actually responsible for purchasing the big salad.,JERRY,And Kramer thinks a penalty stroke may have driven him to it.
MARGARET,"Well, they haven't even arrested him yet. Come on, let's go out.",JERRY,"Ah, no , I don't think so."
MARGARET,Why not?,JERRY,We don't need a bunch of people staring at us.
MARGARET,Who is staring?,JERRY,"Oh, they're staring. They know we're on a date. They're making fun. Come on. It's embarrassing."
MARGARET,"Hello Jerry, I was wondering if you knew where Kramer was.",JERRY,"No, no I don't. Why?"
MARGARET,"You know, Genderson. This is something big.",JERRY,I suppose.
MARGARET,What did Kramer say?,JERRY,I don't know. Nothing.?
MARGARET,Hello.,JERRY,You two know each other?
NEWMAN,"Well, tootle loo. And nice seeing you again Margaret, goodbye Jerry. Have fun. Hehe",JERRY,. . . YOU went out with . . . Newman?
MARGARET,Just a few times.,JERRY,Why?
MARGARET,I liked him.,JERRY,"You liked, Newman?"
MARGARET,Look I'm a little uncomfortable talking about this okay?,JERRY,"No, I'm sorry. I'm just a little curious. I mean why did you stop seeing him."
MARGARET,He ended it.,JERRY,. . . HE ended it?
MARGARET,YES!! Yes! It was a couple of years ago. Why does it matter?,JERRY,"No, no of course not."
KRAMER,"Jerry, Jerry they found a tee.",JERRY,What tee?
KRAMER,A golf tee. In the dry cleaner.,JERRY,Newman! She went out with Newman!
ELAINE,It must be a mistake.,JERRY,"No. It isn't and the most distressing part of it is, not that she went out with him but that HE stopped seeing her. Do you understand? He, Newman; Newman stopped seeing her. Newman never stopped seeing anybody. Newman will see whoever is willing to see him. Not so much why she did see him as disturbing as that is. But why, did HE, Newman, stop seeing her?"
ELAINE,Perhaps there's more to him than meets the eye.,JERRY,"No, there's less."
ELAINE,It's possible.,JERRY,No it isn't. I've looked into his eyes. He's pure evil.
ELAINE,"He's an enigma, a mystery wrapped in a riddle.",JERRY,"Yeah, he's a mystery wrapped in a Twinkie."
Wx,Would you like some more coffee?,JERRY,"No,, but thank you."
ELAINE,Ugh! You are kidding me.,JERRY,"No, he left the store early, made a special trip to the distributor and got it."
ELAINE,I bought mine yesterday on 14th Street.,JERRY,"Well, what did you do that for? You ordered it."
ELAINE,To please Mr. Pitt.,JERRY,"Well, you better go down there and tell this guy. He's very excited."
ELAINE,"Uh, great!",JERRY,Hi Julie.
ELAINE,Hi Julie.,JERRY,"Hi, how are you, Elaine? I'm meeting George here."
ELAINE,"Oh, well then I better get going otherwise George will make me buy him lunch to make up for that big salad he bought me yesterday.",JERRY,How do you know THAT?
NEWMAN,Who is it.,JERRY,It's Jerry.
NEWMAN,You've come at a bad time now. Could you come back later?,JERRY,Come on Newman. OPEN THE DOOR!
NEWMAN,Hellooo Jerry. What a rare treat. What brings you down to the east wing?,JERRY,"Okay, pudgy, lets stop playing games. What happened with margaret?"
NEWMAN,There's no need to get excited. Can't we discuss this like gentlemen?,JERRY,"No, we can't. My skin is crawling just being inside your little rat's nest. Now, what happened?"
NEWMAN,Do you really want to know what happened? I'll tell you what Happened. She wasn't my type.,JERRY,Noit your type?
NEWMAN,Not really.,JERRY,"Well, how come?"
NEWMAN,"Ah, she just didn't do it for me.",JERRY,"What, what is wrong with her?"
NEWMAN,"Well, h ha ha- if you're happy with her, that's all that matters.",JERRY,You don't think she's attractive?
NEWMAN,"No. I need a really pretty face. But, Hey, that's me.",JERRY,"Okay, Newman, thanks a lot."
NEWMAN,Care for some lemonade?,JERRY,"No, thank you."
KRAMER,"Listen to this, ""If a player cleans his ball during the play of a hole accept on the putting green he shall incur a penalty of one stroke. "" That's a rule, Jerry.",JERRY,But it's just a friendly game. Why do you have to be such a stickler?
KRAMER,"Because that's the way I weas raised. You know when I was growing up I had to be in bed every night by nine o'clock. And if I wasn't, well I don't have to tell you what happened.",JERRY,What are you so worried about this for?
KRAMER,You know he talked about Pinkus on the course?,JERRY,He did?
KRAMER,"Oh yeah, he said he brought a pair of pants into Pinkus' and they came back stained with some kind of dry cleaning fluid. And Pinkus denied responsibility. You see he was very upset with Pinkus.",JERRY,So it had nothing to do with you.
KRAMER,"Yeah, but maybe I pushed him over the edge.",JERRY,"No, I don't think so."
KRAMER,"Poor Pinkus, poor little Pinkus.",JERRY,"Hey, let me ask you a question. You met margaret. Doo you think Margaret's good looking? Um, she's a natural beauty. Oh, no makeup. I like that."
KRAMER,"Oh, I love curls.",JERRY,"Yeah,, me too."
KRAMER,"All right, I'll see you later.",JERRY,Where you going?
KRAMER,Genderson's.,JERRY,You're going to see Genderson?
MARGARET,I mean they found a tee and he played golf that day. Nobody walks into a dry cleaner's with a tee. The circumstantial evidence is overwhelming.,JERRY,You had how many dates with him? Three?
MARGARET,Around three. I don't know.,JERRY,And . .
MARGARET,I told you. He stopped calling me. I moved on. I'm not hung up on him. What are you looking at?,JERRY,What? I'm not looking. Nothing.
MARGARET,Kiss me.,JERRY,. . . I can't.
ELAINE,"Well, ,I'm going out with the stationery store guy.",JERRY,You're going out with the stationery store guy?
GEORGE,"You know, if it was a regular salad I wouldn't have said anything. But you had to have the BIG SALAD.",JERRY,"Hello, what? You're kidding. I'm turning it on. Oh, my god. Get out of here. (hangs up) Hey listen to this. They issued a warrant for Genderson's arrest. He escaped and the police spotted him on the New Jersey Turnpike."
ELAINE,She was hitting on you? My friend Noreen?,JERRY,"Your friend, Noreen."
ELAINE,Are you sure you're not just flattering yourself?,JERRY,"If I was flattering myself, I think I'd come up with someone a little less annoying than Noreen."
ELAINE,I cannot believe that she was hitting on you.,JERRY,"If you don't believe me, ask her."
ELAINE,"I will. Besides, she's got a boyfriend, Jerry, you know him. Dan. Remember, we went to that party at his house?",JERRY,"Oh, right. The guy who talks with a really high voice."
KRAMER,"Jerry, did you get my Fortune magazine in your mail?",JERRY,Check the pile.
KRAMER,"(leafing through Jerry's mail) Oh, who sent you a card?",JERRY,I don't know.
KRAMER,"Open it, it's from Hallmark.",JERRY,Oh.
ELAINE,"Hello, darling.",JERRY,"Isn't that cute, a 'thank you' card from Kristin."
ELAINE,Who's Kristin?,JERRY,"She works for PBS, I met her when I agreed to do that pledge drive."
KRAMER,Did you ask her about me?,JERRY,"Yeah, in fact she said that you could be one of those people that sits in the back and answers the phone."
KRAMER,"Giddy-up! Alright! So now, how does that work? Now, what, I get a percentage of every pledge I bring in, right?",JERRY,"No, it's not aluminum siding, it's volunteer work. All the money goes to the station."
KRAMER,"Okay, yeah, alright, that sounds good, but I still get a tote bag though, right?",JERRY,"Yeah, and one of those foam beer can holders."
ELAINE,(dialing the phone) You know what I'm doing? I'm calling Noreen.,JERRY,"Oh, go ahead."
ELAINE,You sure you don't mind?,JERRY,Like she's really going to admit she was flirting with me.
ELAINE,Uh oh.,JERRY,"So was I right? She likes me, right?"
ELAINE,"Well, it's a long story, okay? But my stupid friend Jerry told my other friend Noreen that she was-- (noticing Mr. Pitt eating the candy bar with knife and fork and becoming distracted) You know, hitting on him and so I called her to see what was, uh, going on and I accidentally got her boyfriend, who is this, you know--",JERRY,"I'm Jerry Seinfeld, I tell jokes for a living, but there's no joking about the financial crisis at PBS. Show us you care. Call in your pledge now."
KRISTIN,"Jerry, I am so grateful that you're doing this.",JERRY,"Oh, I know you are."
KRISTIN,You got the card I sent?,JERRY,I did.
KRISTIN,So where is it?,JERRY,What?
KRISTIN,The card. Is this it in the trash?,JERRY,No?
KRISTIN,"This is my card, you threw it away.",JERRY,Well--
KRISTIN,I put a lot of thought into this card.,JERRY,"You signed your name and you addressed the envelope, it's not like you painted the picture and wrote the poem."
KRISTIN,Fine. I gotta get back to the office.,JERRY,"Why, because I threw the card out? How long was I supposed to save it?"
KRISTIN,You have no sentimentality.,JERRY,"I have sentimentality, really, I'm sentimental. Here, look. Here's some cards I've saved, these are birthday cards from my grandmother, see, I'm not a bad guy."
KRISTIN,"Oh, so you save her cards but not mine! Oh great!",JERRY,"(as Kristin is storming out) Well, but, you see, I saved something! See? I can save. I'll see you at the pledge drive, ok?"
KRAMER,"New cards, huh?",JERRY,"No, they're old cards from my grandmother."
KRAMER,"Oh. Well, I'll tell you, a nice greeting card can really lift a person's spirits.",JERRY,Yeah.
KRAMER,"(opening a card) Oh, a check.",JERRY,"Yeah, she puts ten dollars in every card for my birthday, that's why I save them."
KRAMER,There's a check in all these? Why don't you cash them?,JERRY,"I don't know, it's ten dollars."
KRAMER,But you got a whole pile here. 1987?,JERRY,Oh so what.
KRAMER,"Jerry, your grandmother gave you this gift. She wants you to spend the money, to have the fun that she can't have. Oh, this is tantamount to a slap in the face.",JERRY,"Oh, get out of here."
KRAMER,"Jerry, a gift not enjoyed is like a flower that doesn't blossom.",JERRY,"Alright, alright, I'll cash the checks."
KRAMER,Yeah.,JERRY,"It was a 'thank you' card from Kristin because I'm doing the PBS drive. I mean, how long am I supposed to keep it?"
GEORGE,The rule is a minimum of two days.,JERRY,You making that up or do you know what you're talking about?
GEORGE,I'm making it up.,JERRY,"I mean really, what's the point of saving it? I could see if I had a mantel."
GEORGE,"Oh, well, a mantel's a whole different story.",JERRY,Absolutely.
GEORGE,"If my parents had a mantel, I might be a completely different person.",JERRY,"So anyway, she's kind of upset about it so I need you to do me a favor."
GEORGE,Let's have it.,JERRY,"Well, I'm doing the PBS show, so during the show they're gonna be running the Ken Burns baseball thing. So I thought if I could get a baseball player to come on the show with me..."
GEORGE,You want me to ask one of the Yankees.,JERRY,Could you?
GEORGE,Alright. I'll run it by a few people.,JERRY,"Alright, Do your thing, where you lie to everyone."
ELAINE,(entering and sitting down) I should never have made that phone call.,JERRY,"Hey, did you ever get to talk to Noreen?"
ELAINE,"Yes, she's very upset.",JERRY,So was I right about the flirting? Was it true?
GEORGE,Who was flirting with you?,JERRY,"Remember when we were in the bookstore, that woman came up to us?"
GEORGE,She wasn't flirting with you.,JERRY,"Oh, sure she was; Asked me where the 'humor' section was? Humor? Come on."
ELAINE,"Jerry, her brother just had a book of political cartoons published.",JERRY,"Alright, so maybe she wasn't flirting with me. So what?"
ELAINE,Yeah.,JERRY,Why does he do that?
GEORGE,He probably doesn't want to get chocolate on his fingers. That's the way these society types eat their candy bars.,JERRY,"Oh, you know."
GEORGE,Did you see the way she pointed at the check? She gave me the finger.,JERRY,That's how waitress types express derision. They don't want to get their mouths dirty.
MR. MORGAN,"You know, maybe George has something here about PBS.",JERRY,"Okay, sixty bucks from Nana."
"(Fade to the next morning, the alarm clock goes off, it's 5","30, Nana turns off the alarm, fully dressed, gathers her coat and purse, sighs, and heads for the door.)",JERRY,You got Danny Tartabull?!
GEORGE,"You wanted a Yankee, I got you a Yankee.",JERRY,"Boy, you really came through. Kristin's gonna be thrilled."
GEORGE,Absolutely. Pending approval of the script.,JERRY,Excuse me?
KRAMER,"Yeah, I'd like to see the script too.",JERRY,You're just answering phones!
GEORGE,"Hey, when you order from the waitress, get her to point to the menu. I want to see what finger she uses.",JERRY,"Uh, say, I wanted a side order of fruit but I didn't see it on the men"
WAITRESS,"Oh, you're getting it (pointing to menu with index finger), it comes with your breakfast special.",JERRY,Right you are.
GEORGE,"(after waitress walks away) I don't believe it, she did it again!",JERRY,"Oh, she had an itch."
GEORGE,She had an itch. She could have used any one of those fingers. That finger was meant for me.,JERRY,"By the way, lunch is on me. I just cashed my Nana's birthday checks."
NANA,Oh dear.,JERRY,(answering) Hello?
UNCLE LEO,Jerry? Hello.,JERRY,Uncle Leo!
UNCLE LEO,"Listen, I don't want to alarm you, but your nana is missing.",JERRY,Nana's missing?
UNCLE LEO,"I came to pick her up for a doctor's appointment, she wasn't here. I called the doctor, nobody knows where she is. She hasn't left the apartment in twenty-five years!",JERRY,"I've been thinking about her, I just cashed some of her checks."
UNCLE LEO,What kind of checks?,JERRY,I think Chemical Bank.
UNCLE LEO,Chemical?! She hasn't used that account since her branch closed. What are you doing cashing her checks anyway?,JERRY,"Well, Kramer thought it would make her happy. (To Kramer) I never should have cashed those checks!"
UNCLE LEO,"Your grandmother's on a very fixed income. What, are you broke?",JERRY,"Just call me if you hear anything. (hangs up and faces Kramer) Well? I cashed the checks, the checks bounced and now my Nana's missing!"
KRAMER,"Well, don't look at me.",JERRY,It's your fault!
ELAINE,And now I think she might really be interested in you. And Dan is,JERRY,Would you?
KRAMER,Any word from Nana?,JERRY,No.
ELAINE,Nana?,JERRY,"Yeah, my grandma's missing."
ELAINE,Missing?,JERRY,Yeah. I think it might have something to do with those checks.
ELAINE,"Um, what does Nana sound like?",JERRY,"Like a grandmother, why?"
ELAINE,Well...,JERRY,"Oh, you hung up on my Nana?!"
ELAINE,"I don't know, maybe.",JERRY,You told Nana to drop dead?!
ELAINE,It's possible.,JERRY,"Yes, it is!"
KRAMER,"Alright, alright. Look, Jerry, we gotta get down to PBS, PDQ.",JERRY,Alright.
KRAMER,"Jerry, where are all the tote bags?",JERRY,I don't know.
KRISTIN,"Jerry, this man wants to see you.",JERRY,Leo?
UNCLE LEO,Hello.,JERRY,Uncle Leo! What are you doing here?
UNCLE LEO,I wanted to tell you that your grandmother is fine.,JERRY,Oh.
KRISTIN,"Jerry, I'm dying to meet Danny Tartabull. Where is he?",JERRY,He'll be here any second.
KRISTIN,You know you guys are both on in five minutes.,JERRY,"Yeah, yeah."
UNCLE LEO,"Why didn't you tell me you were a little short? Here. If anybody asks you where you got it, you don't know.",JERRY,"No, that's ok, I really don't need any money."
UNCLE LEO,What are you talking about?,JERRY,Please-
UNCLE LEO,I want-,JERRY,It's not necessary.
UNCLE LEO,"Jerry, would you please take it.",JERRY,"I can't, I can't take it."
UNCLE LEO,I want you to have it!,JERRY,"Uncle Leo, I don't want to have it!"
UNCLE LEO,"Jerry, take the money!",JERRY,I don't want it!!
KRAMER,Who's that?,JERRY,You know what? It sounds like the friend of Elaine's that was hitting on me in the book store.
MAN,I'd like to shake his hand but I can't.,JERRY,"I'm Jerry Seinfeld, I tell jokes for a living, but there's no joking about the financial crisis here at PBS. Our lines are open, so please call the number you see on your screen."
KRAMER,"As long as you've got your checkbook out, how about forking a little over to PBS? You watch the station, don't you? You don't want to be a freeloader.",JERRY,"-programs like Ken Burns' Baseball. And if Danny Tartabull were here, I'm sure he'd say, 'That's correct, Jerry.'"
KRAMER,Jerry? I have an announcement. Your grandmother is on the line.,JERRY,My Nana?
UNCLE LEO,"She can't do that, she's on a very fixed income! Stop the show!!",JERRY,I got another card from Kristin. Not quite as chipper as the first one.
ELAINE,Wow. Isn't this little bunny giving you the-,JERRY,"Yes, he is."
ELAINE,You should show this to Georgie.,JERRY,Yeah.
WAITRESS,(at the next table) Here's your knife and fork.,JERRY,"Look, she's cutting up an Almond Joy."
ELAINE,I just don't get it.,JERRY,"You know, I saw someone on the street eating M&Ms with a spoon."
ELAINE,What is wrong with everybody?,JERRY,"(surveying the restaurant) Look, they're doing it. They're all doing it!"
"I think the thing I admire most about the Chinese is that they're hanging in there with the chopsticks. Because, if you think about it, you know, they've seen the fork... by now. I'm sure they've seen the spoon, they're going, ""Yeah, yeah, they're OK... We're going to stay with the sticks."" I mean, I don't know how they've missed it","thousands of years ago, Chinese farmer gets up, has his breakfast with the chopsticks, goes out and works all day in the field with a shovel... Hello?... Shovel! Not going out there ploughing 40 acres with a couple of pool cues.",JERRY,(feeling face) Good shave today...
ELAINE,"(sarcastic) Don't worry, Jerry, I can manage these bags; really I'm fine.",JERRY,I'm thinkin' of lettin' my sideburns grow in a little...
ELAINE,Can we rest here a second.,JERRY,"(pause) Yeah, I guess."
ELAINE,Mmm! She's got a new boyfriend Paul.,JERRY,Already? That was fast... I assume he's not a High Talker...
ELAINE,"No, but... he has... The Worst Habit. Whenever he answers the phone, he won't put Noreen right on. Ya have'ta go through, like, ten minutes of chit-chat.",JERRY,A Long Talker.
ELAINE,"Yeah! And he is so boring! But now, whenever he answers the phone I just hang up.",JERRY,(pause) All right; let's move it out.
ELAINE,"Oh, yeah, it is! Shall we say hello?",JERRY,I've never seen him in Manhattan before; it's weird. So out of context.
ELAINE,That man he's with is he wearing a cape?,JERRY,I believe he is wearing a cape.
ELAINE,Why is Mr. Costanza with a man in a cape?,JERRY,"Well, it is good cape weather. Cool. Breezy."
ELAINE,"Yeah, why a cape? Who wears a cape? Where do you even get a cape?",JERRY,"You're right; it is strange. In fact, let's cross to the other side of the street. Cover me."
ELAINE,That sounds urgent...,JERRY,"Let me call him back... Hello? Who is this? Donna Chang? Oh, I'm sorry, I must o' dialed the wrong number."
ELAINE,Donna Chang?,JERRY,(is redialing) I should've talked to her; I love Chinese women.
ELAINE,Isn't that a little racist?,JERRY,"If I like their race, how can that be racist?... Hellooo??... Oh, is this Donna Chang again?!... Yyy-yes, I am calling George... Oh, the lines are crossed! You're getting his calls. Well, what do you know?!"
ELAINE,A lot!,JERRY,I got a date!
ELAINE,With the Chinese woman?!,JERRY,She knew who I was! She saw me in a club one time! My first date ever with the Pacific Rim. I'm very excited.
KRAMER,Jerry. Did ya ever have your sperm count checked?,JERRY,"No, why should I? I wear boxers."
KRAMER,You ever get a woman pregnant?,JERRY,"I'm sorry, Kramer. Those records are permanently sealed..."
KRAMER,What would you say if I told you I never impregnated a woman?,JERRY,"Really? You never slipped one past the goalie in all these years??... Boy, I'm surprised. You've slept with a lot of women!"
KRAMER,"A LOT of 'em! (wild gesture, freaked out) Do you think maybe I'm... Depleted??!!",JERRY,"Well, I'm sure you're not... Totally Depleted."
KRAMER,Yeah but what if I am? I'm the last... male Kramer! We're facing extinction!,JERRY,So go to a fertility clinic. Have your sperm count checked.
ELAINE,(going to the phone) All right. I'm gonna try Noreen again.,JERRY,I am very excited about this date! We're goin' to Hunan Balcony!
ELAINE,She's Chinese so you suggest Chinese food?,JERRY,She suggested it!
ELAINE,I thought Chinese don't eat Chinese...,JERRY,She's very assimilated.
GEORGE,"Hey, hey, hey! You don't call me back?!",JERRY,I tried! Your line's crossed with a Chinese woman!
GEORGE,Was my father wearing a cape?,JERRY,No. Jacket and tie no cape.
HOSTESS,"Please let me know when the rest of your party has arrived, sir.",JERRY,"Yes, I will."
GUY,(indicating a cigarette) Do you mind?,JERRY,"No, go ahead, I second-hand smoke two packs a day."
DONNA,Jerry.,JERRY,(pause. Stops tapping his leg) 'scuse me?
DONNA,Hi. Sorry I'm late.,JERRY,Who are you?
DONNA,I'm Donna Chang...,JERRY,"(stands, puzzled, it's not sinking in) W-what do you mean?"
DONNA,I mean I'm Donna Chang.,JERRY,(pause) You're Donna Chang?
DONNA,Did you think I was Chinese?...,JERRY,"Oh. No. What, you mean because of the ""Chang""?"
DONNA,"Actually, the family name wasn't originally Chang.",JERRY,I didn't think so.
ELAINE,She's not Chinese?,JERRY,No. Not Chinese. Not even Asian.
ELAINE,So. What is she?,JERRY,"Well, she's... like you."
ELAINE,"(pause, annoyed) Oh, how disappointed you must have been. (walks to couch, with her cereal)",JERRY,"Well, it's false advertising, see? And the thing is, I think she likes people thinkin' she's Chinese. She suggests Chinese food. She always introduces herself as ""Donna Chang""..."
ELAINE,So then why are you seeing her again...,JERRY,"Well, she is a woman."
ELAINE,"Listen, I spoke to Paul an' Noreen. They might be breakin' up.",JERRY,Really? (sits on couch)
ELAINE,"Well, maybe.",JERRY,"Hey, wouldn't it be funny if Paul an' Noreen broke up because o' you kept hangin' up on him?"
ELAINE,(pause) What do you mean?,JERRY,"Well, you know if Paul thought it was some guy... hangin' up because he was having an affair with Noreen?"
ELAINE,Whoa! Whoa!,JERRY,"Here, what is that?!!"
KRAMER,"Look, you gotta help me. I have to get off Jockey shorts.",JERRY,Wha--you have a low sperm count?
KRAMER,"Very low! Come on, Jerry. Take 'em.",JERRY,Nnnoo--I don't want 'em. (starts backing away as Kramer follows him around the room carrying the underwear)
KRAMER,"Jerry, look! You gotta help me! I can't have 'em near me! If I have one pair in my house, I'm gonna wear them!",JERRY,Look! I don't want 'em!
KRAMER,"All it takes is one pair! Now, come on! J--",JERRY,I'm not gonna be able to sleep if those are in the house!
KRAMER,What am I gonna do!? Jerry! I'm goin' CRAZY in these things! (leaves),JERRY,"(re the underwear pile) Well, I'm gonna have to move now."
FRANK,(shouting and clapping hands in anger) How could Jerry not say Hello?!!,JERRY,Did they uncross the lines yet?
DONNA,"No, they can't find the problem. It's really getting ridicurous.",JERRY,"(long pause -- did he hear ""ridicurous"" -- should he say something -- can't decide if he should. Finally...) Did you say, ""ridicurous""?"
DONNA,Ridiculous.,JERRY,"(pause) I thought you said... ""ridicurous."" (Donna looks puzzled)"
GEORGE,Hey-- (spots Donna),JERRY,"Oh, what are you doing here?"
DONNA,"She was trying to call you, but--",JERRY,The rines are crossed?
GEORGE,"Did you say, ""The rines are crossed?""",JERRY,Did I?
ELAINE,"Ay, divorced. That's really too bad...",JERRY,"Yeah, you know it's a shame his parents didn't get divorced thirty years ago. He could have been normal."
GEORGE,Oh my God! (coming out of bathroom) You know what I just realized?! If they get divorced an' live in two separate places? That's twice as many visits!,JERRY,"Gee, I never thought of that."
ELAINE,"Hey Georgie, did you have any idea that anything was wrong?",JERRY,Have you ever spent any time with these people...?
GEORGE,The man in the cape--I bet you he is mixed up in this! I don't trust men in capes.,JERRY,And you can't cast aspersions on someone just because they're wearin' a cape... Superman wore a cape... An' I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here an' let you say something bad about him.
KRAMER,"Well, if she's available now, I'm not gonna let her slip through my fingers this time. Nooope. (does a little dance)",JERRY,Well it looks like you've adjusted to the boxers...
KRAMER,"Wellll, I wouldn't go as far as that.",JERRY,You went back to the Jockeys?
KRAMER,Wrong again.,JERRY,"(pause as he realizes) Oh, no."
ELAINE,What? What?...,JERRY,"Don't you see what's goin' on here???... No boxers, no Jockeys..."
ELAINE,(backing away from Kramer) Eeaawww...,JERRY,"The only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gabardine... Kramer, say it isn't so."
KRAMER,"Oh, it be so. I'm out there, Jerry, an' I'm lllovin' every minute of it!!!",JERRY,Don't you need a little... help?
ELAINE,"Hey, Noreen, don't go by me! Ha ha.",JERRY,What are you doin' to this woman?! This is the second relationship you've ruined for her in a few weeks!!
ELAINE,(head in arms) I know--,JERRY,First you ruin her relationship with the High Talker.
ELAINE,"Well... I got confused, they sound exactly the same.",JERRY,"So she breaks up with him. Somehow picks up the pieces of her life. Miraculously meets... A New Guy! Ya bust that up! An' then, just as they're reconciling, you announce to the world He's Boring."
ELAINE,(apologetically) I didn't know she'd take it so seriously.,JERRY,"Well, apparently you have a tremendous influence over this woman anything you say she does!"
DONNA,It's Donna Chang.,JERRY,(hits button) Come on up. (opens door a little)
ELAINE,"Well, I guess I just didn't realize it...",JERRY,"Well, let's look back at your history with this woman. Okay?"
ELAINE,(like a little girl) Okay...,JERRY,"First, you encouraged her to join the army... She did."
ELAINE,She was lost...,JERRY,"Then, you suggest she goes... AWOL! She did!"
ELAINE,"Well, she didn't seem to be havin' so much fun...",JERRY,You know... You better make sure and never tell this woman to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge...
DONNA,Hi.,JERRY,"Oh, Miss Changstein! This is Elaine..."
ELAINE,(happy gasp) Oh.,JERRY,Why? What happened?
DONNA,"Well, she was trying to call George last night, she got me, we spoke for an hour and she changed her mind!!!",JERRY,Wow! That's amazing!
DONNA,She said you should come too.,JERRY,Tonight?
ESTELLE,It was that Chinese woman.,JERRY,So I'm curious. What'd you tell Mrs. Costanza that changed her mind?
DONNA,I mentioned a few bits of wisdom from Confucius.,JERRY,"Confucius, huh?"
DONNA,Yeah.,JERRY,"(pause) You know, you're not Chinese..."
FRANK,"Jerry, how come you didn't say hello to me the other day, huh?!",JERRY,Elaine was... in a rush.
FRANK,(shouts after them) You want a divorce?!!? You got one!!!,JERRY,"(pause, to Donna) You know, you might wanna think about changin' your name..."
ELAINE,"So, ever since she started dating Kramer, she won't even talk to me!",JERRY,Well--Noreen listened to you like George's mother listened to the Chinese. (buys a newspaper out of a machine)
ELAINE,"(quietly) hu_uh, (pause) You know, everybody listens to the Chinese. I mean, look at the fortune cookie. You couldn't get away with that in any other restaurant.",JERRY,"Yeah, no one's reading any rolled-up messages in a knish..."
GEORGE,"Oh, it had to happen!!",JERRY,Hey.
MAN,I'm Frank Costanza's lawyer. (He starts pulling her to safety),JERRY,"So, she got you to join a book club?"
GEORGE,I got a feeling I'm gonna be much smarter than you pretty soon.,JERRY,"Well, I think that statement alone reflects your burgeoning intelligence. (Sits on a couch.) Hey, what about this one?"
GEORGE,"Nah, I don't like that one.",JERRY,"So, what's your first book?"
GEORGE,"""Breakfast At Tiffany's."" 90 pages. (Waves a hand like it's nothing.)",JERRY,"It's kinda old, isn't it?"
GEORGE,He's a great writer.,JERRY,"Oh, yeah."
GEORGE,Did you ever read anything by him?,JERRY,No. You?
ELAINE,"Hey, what's going on?",JERRY,"New couch, baby!"
ELAINE,New couch? Why?,JERRY,"I love this couch. You know what the best part about it is? It doesn't fold out, so no one can sleep over."
ELAINE,"Oh, let me get the door for you. (They carry the couch out the door.) Ooh, be careful!",JERRY,"Wait till you see it, it's perfect. The guy told me it's one of a kind, they stopped making it."
ELAINE,What are you doing with your old couch?,JERRY,"Nothing, the moving guys are taking it. Why, you want it?"
ELAINE,"Yeah, I'll take it.",JERRY,"Well, I'm sure that they can deliver it to your apartment."
KRAMER,Hey! Couch is comin.',JERRY,It's here!
KRAMER,Ooh! Remember Poppie?,JERRY,"Oh, you mean from Poppie's Restaurant?"
KRAMER,"Yeah, yeah. Anyway, uh...we're going into business together. Remember that idea I had a few years ago about the pizza place where you make your own pizza?",JERRY,Yeah.
ELAINE (in a southern accent),"Ooh, I can't wait to get me a fella and make mah own pie!",JERRY,What made you resurrect that old idea?
ELAINE,"I heard Poppie's was good, let's go.",JERRY,I'm not goin' there. Didn't he get busted by the Board of Health?
KRAMER,"Yeah, but you gotta order it two days in advance. (To Jerry) You know, I'm gonna call him, I'm gonna order the duck for you.",JERRY,"Oh, Kramer, I -"
ELAINE,"Well, I don't know. I'll have to sit on it.",JERRY,"Oh no, I don't want anyone sitting on it."
KRAMER,Did you offer those guys a drink?,JERRY,"Uh, no. Should I have?"
KRAMER,What kind of a person are you?,JERRY,I don't know.
ELAINE,"So, he puts the couch down, and just as he's about to leave he says, ""Do you date moving men?""",JERRY,Ah ha...
ELAINE,You wanna know what I said?,JERRY,I can't wait.
ELAINE,"""I do now.""",JERRY,Clever.
ELAINE,Is that something?,JERRY,Yes.
ELAINE,Is that something?,JERRY,"You're something. So anyway, when they were in my house before, I didn't offer them anything to drink."
ELAINE,"Well, they're real men, Jerry. They get sweaty.",JERRY,"So, anyone sweaty comes into your house has to be offered a drink?"
ELAINE,Yes.,JERRY,"Well, would you apologize for me? (Elaine nods. Poppie comes out of the kitchen.)"
POPPIE,Let me show you to your table. (Leads Jerry and Elaine to the table.) Your duck is cooking as we speak. It is so succulent...so succulent!,JERRY,"Well, Kramer told us all about your business venture together."
POPPIE,"My mother...was taken from my house by the Communists in the middle of the night when I was ten years old. She was sent to a slave labor camp, where she labored for twelve years. Finally, they released her and she was on a boat to America to re-unite with us...but she was served some bad fish, and she died...on the high seas.",JERRY,"So, what's good tonight?"
ELAINE,"Boy, I'm really looking forward to this duck. I've never had food ordered in advance before.",JERRY,"Ah, I could've stayed home and ordered a pizza from Paccino's."
ELAINE,Paccino's? Oh no. You should never order pizza from Paccino's.,JERRY,Why not?
ELAINE,"Because, the owner contributes a lot of money to those fanatical, anti-abortion groups.",JERRY,"So, you won't eat the pizza?"
ELAINE,No way.,JERRY,Really.
ELAINE,Yeah.,JERRY,"Well, what if Poppie felt the same way?"
ELAINE,"Well, I guess I wouldn't eat here, then.",JERRY,Really!
ELAINE,Yeah. That's right.,JERRY,"Well, perhaps we should inquire. Poppie! Oh, Poppie. Could I have a word? (Poppie comes over.)"
POPPIE,"Yes, Jerry. I just checked your duck...it is more succulent than even I had hoped.",JERRY,"Poppie, I was just curious...where do you stand on the abortion issue?"
POPPIE,"When my mother was abducted by the Communists, she was with child...",JERRY,"Oh, boy."
POPPIE,You're not welcome!,JERRY,"Well, I'm certainly glad I brought it up. (Gets up and leaves.)"
GEORGE,I'm sorry I missed it.,JERRY,"Oh, you really missed something. And I have to say...it was pretty much all my fault. (Jerry smiles. George laughs.) So, how's the book coming? (George's laughs taper off...) I say, how's the book comin'?"
GEORGE,Oh...pretty good.,JERRY,"So, what's it about?"
GEORGE,"Well, it's about Holly Go-Lightly.",JERRY,Holly Go-Lightly.
GEORGE,"Yeah, she's quite a character.",JERRY,"Yes, you haven't read a page, have you?"
GEORGE,No.,JERRY,Big surprise.
GEORGE,"I couldn't. You know, if it's not about sports, I find it very hard to concentrate.",JERRY,"You're not very bright, are you?"
GEORGE,"No, I'm not. I would like to be, but I'm not. What am I gonna do? The book club meets in a few days.",JERRY,Why don't you rent the movie?
KRAMER (scanning a menu),So...how was the dinner last night?,JERRY,Oh...well...
KRAMER,"I don't know! I'm gonna go and visit him later. (angrily) It would be nice if you got him something. (Punches the the table to accentuate this, and leaves.)",JERRY,We should get him something.
ELAINE,I'm in looove!,JERRY,Whoa!
ELAINE,"This is it, Jerry! This is it! He is such an incredible person! He's real, he's honest, he's unpretentious...oh, I'm really lucky!",JERRY,Did you tell him I was sorry I didn't offer him the drink?
ELAINE,"No, I forgot. And, the best part is, he doesn't play games. You know? There are no games! (Sits down on the couch.)",JERRY,No games? What is the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing?
ELAINE (putting on lipstick),"Well, all I know is, he doesn't like games and he doesn't play games, you know? He has too much character and integrity.",JERRY,Ah ha. And what is his stand on abortion?
ELAINE (looks at Jerry and smears lipstick across her face),What?,JERRY,What is his stand...on abortion?
ELAINE,"Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice.",JERRY,How do you know?
ELAINE,"Because he, well...he's just so good-looking.",JERRY,"Well, you should probably ask, because if he's gonna be coming over with those Paccino's pizzas...could be trouble."
KRAMER,Hey.,JERRY,"Hey, what's happenin.'"
KRAMER,"Well, you know, Poppie's over at my place. Tonight's the big night. I'm gonna make the first test pizza at the restaurant.",JERRY,You got a regular 'Manhattan Project' going on over there.
KRAMER,"Yeah. Anyway, he's about to leave, he wants the duck money. (Poppie enters.)",JERRY,"Okay. Hi, Poppie."
POPPIE,Hello.,JERRY,"I'm sorry about the gift, I didn't know about your condition."
POPPIE,"That's fine. If you just give me my duck money, I'll be on my way.",JERRY,Okay. I'll get it. (Goes into the bedroom.)
POPPIE,"The what? (Looks at Kramer, and exits.)",JERRY,...the...the...
KRAMER,What is what?,JERRY,This puddle on my sofa!
KRAMER,Are you sure?,JERRY,"Well, what is it then?! My new sofa! Poppie peed on my new sofa!"
KRAMER,I'm sure it'll come out.,JERRY,"I don't care if it comes out, I can't sit on that anymore!"
ELAINE,Oh my god.,JERRY,You see?!
ELAINE,"So, you're gonna get a new couch?",JERRY,"Well, I guess I have no choice."
ELAINE,Do you want your old couch back?,JERRY,"I was hoping you'd offer. (The intercom buzzes, Jerry answers it.) Yeah?"
INTERCOM,It's the movers.,JERRY,'Kay. (Buzzes them in.)
ELAINE,Who's that?,JERRY,"Your boyfriend, he's taking it out."
ELAINE,"No, no, he's not my boyfriend.",JERRY,Why?
ELAINE,Take a guess.,JERRY,"Oh, really. (Carl and another moving guy come in and pick up the couch.)"
CARL,Hi.,JERRY,"Hey Carl, I also need you to go to Elaine's and bring my old couch back."
CARL,Today?,JERRY,Could you?
ELAINE (to Jerry),What are you doing with this couch?,JERRY,George is taking it.
ELAINE,Did you tell him it was peed on?,JERRY,"He said he doesn't care, he'll just turn the cushion over."
MARIE,George...Fred's gay.,JERRY,"I've never been able to figure out why they make these bizarre toilet seats that they have. You know, like those clear Lucite ones, with all the, the coins in it? It's a lovely tribute to our past president, by the way. It's not bad enough Lincoln got shot in the head, we gotta pull down our pants and sit on him, too. It's just incomprehensible that you would buy a thing like this, you install it on your toilet seat, and this says what about you? ""Well, I can't afford to just throw money down the toilet, but look how close I am!"""
GEORGE,I think she finds my stupidity charming.,JERRY,As we all do.
GEORGE,"Yeah, anyway, she's uh, having some kind of a family lunch, I'll swing by after.",JERRY,"Oh, so you're gonna meet the mother?"
GEORGE,"Yeah, I'll zip in, ""How do you do?"", zip out. She'll love me.",JERRY,You're good with the mothers.
GEORGE,"Y'know, I'm better with the mothers than I am with the daughters.",JERRY,Maybe you should date the mothers.
GEORGE,"Well, if I could talk to the mothers and have sex with the daughters, then I'd really have something goin'.",JERRY,"Oh, you got something goin'."
KRAMER,"Hey, you got a hammer?",JERRY,What do you need a hammer for?
KRAMER,"Well, I got this new poster. 3-D art? Computers generate 'em.",JERRY,"Oh, yeah! I wanna see that. Bring it over."
KRAMER,"No, no, I don't have it now. I gotta pick it up at Mr. Pitt's. Elaine was framing a bunch of stuff for him, so she did me a favor. What, you wanna take a ride?",JERRY,"Nah, I don't think so."
KRAMER,"Oh, COME ON!",JERRY,"Hey, could you wait until the man finishes?"
KRAMER,"All right, I've had it with you two. (opens apartment door to leave)",JERRY,"Hey, guess what? Remember that woman you saw me with the other day? You know, she used to be an Olympic gymnast?"
KRAMER,A gymnast!,JERRY,"Yeah, she's Romanian, she won a silver at the '84 Olympics."
KRAMER,"A gymnast, Jerry. Think of the flexibility. Mmm, that sex'll melt your face.",JERRY,"Yeah, well, I think I'm bailing."
KRAMER,"(shuts door) ""Bailing""?",JERRY,"Yeah, you know, Kramer, there's always a price to pay for just a sexual dalliance."
KRAMER,"Jerry, you should pay that price.",JERRY,"She's Romanian. What am I gonna talk to her about, Ceausescu?"
GEORGE,"(emerging from bathroom, buttoning his shirt) A gymnast! I can't believe it, you didn't tell me she was a gymnast.",JERRY,(watching George buttoning his shirt) What is this?
GEORGE,"What, I'm puttin' my shirt back on.",JERRY,"(stares at George, incredulous) ""Back on""? What was it doing off?"
GEORGE,"I take it off when I go to the, uh, y'know, to the ""office"".",JERRY,(laughing) What for?
GEORGE,"Well, it frees me up. No encumbrances.",JERRY,"Unbuttoned, or all the way off?"
GEORGE,"ALL the way, baby!",JERRY,Of course.
KRAMER,(convulses in pain) Yeow! Whoa.,JERRY,"What, again? Kramer, if you keep getting these attacks, you should see the doctor and have it checked out."
KRAMER,"(exiting apartment) Yeah, yeah, yeah...",JERRY,"(picks up newspaper, turns to George) You always take the shirt off?"
GEORGE,Always.,JERRY,"Boy, I tell ya', knowing you is like going out in the jungle. I never know what I'm going to find next, and I'm real scared."
MR. PITT,"Oh, DAMN this thing!",JERRY,"(trying desperately to make conversation) So, Ceausescu. He must've been some dictator."
KATYA,Oh yes. He was not shy about dictating.,JERRY,"He, uh, he must've been dictating first thing in the morning. ""I want a cup of coffee and a muffin!"""
KATYA,And you could not refuse.,JERRY,"No, you'd have to be crazy."
KATYA,He was a very bad dictator.,JERRY,"Yes. Very bad. Very, very bad."
GEORGE,"No, no. No, no, no. It was not trash!",JERRY,Was it in the trash?
GEORGE,Yes.,JERRY,Then it was trash.
GEORGE,"It wasn't down in, it was sort of on top.",JERRY,But it was in the cylinder!
GEORGE,Above the rim.,JERRY,"Adjacent to refuse, is refuse."
GEORGE,It was on a magazine! And it still had the doily on.,JERRY,Was it eaten?
GEORGE,One little bite.,JERRY,"Well, that's garbage."
GEORGE,But I know who took the bite. It was her aunt!,JERRY,"Well, you, my friend, have crossed the line that divides Man and Bum. You are now a Bum."
KRAMER,Hey.,JERRY,What's with you?
KRAMER,I got a stone.,JERRY,What stone?
KRAMER,A kidney stone.,JERRY,"What is that, anyway?"
KRAMER,"It's a, it's a stony mineral concretion, formed abnormally in the kidney. And this jagged shard of calcium pushes its way through the ureter into the bladder. It's forced out through the urine!",JERRY,"Oh, that's gotta hurt."
GEORGE,"(on phone, as Jerry gestures beside him) No, Lindsay, it was not IN the garbage. It was above the garbage. Hovering. Like an angel. Of course I know your aunt bit it. I kissed her goodbye. Listen, can I tell you something else? In my family, we used to eat out of the garbage all the time. (Jerry makes a face) It was no big thing. That's right. Oh, okay. Buh-bye. (hangs up phone) I'm back in, she gave me a second chance.",JERRY,Good for you.
GEORGE,"Yes, good for me!",JERRY,"Y'know what you should do now? Get her some flowers, smooth it out."
KRAMER,"(enters apartment, holding up videotape) Behold! The Games of the '84 Olympiad! Katya's silver medal performance! (inserts tape into VCR, sets up TV)",JERRY,"Kramer, are you still on this? I've seen gymnasts. I know what they do. It's not going to make any difference."
KRAMER,"Jerry, what is your problem?",JERRY,"Kramer, y'know, guys like you, with no conscience, don't know what it's like for guys like me. I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider people's feelings."
KRAMER,"All right, Jerry--are you familiar with the Kama Sutra?",JERRY,No.
KRAMER,Tantric yoga?,JERRY,No.
KRAMER,"Jerry, you stand on the threshold to the magical world of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of!",JERRY,"Boy, you can really talk some trash. (to George) I guess that's better than eating it."
KRAMER,"All right, all right, why don't we just watch the tape? (starts playback)",JERRY,All right.
KRAMER,Not yet. But the suspense is killing me.,JERRY,"(pointing at TV) Hey, that's her!"
KRAMER,"Oh yeah. Oh yeah, that's her. (feminine grunts and sighs can be heard as they watch the tape) Look at the height, Jerry, the extension! Now watch the tuck. Handstand, half-turn, giant into a straddle, back into another handstand. Nice kip. Reverse hecht. Oh, nice leg extension, good form! Now, here comes the big dismount. Look at the rotation, full in, double back, and she sticks the landing! (gets up to leave as George and Jerry continue to watch, mouths agape) Perhaps you'd like to keep the tape? (silence) Well, I'll take that as a yes.",JERRY,"(smiling and excited) Well, here we are."
KATYA,Yes. We are here.,JERRY,"How did you stay on that beam like that? (holds up hand) I mean, it's only this wide!"
KATYA,"It is amazing after years of training how one can contort one's body. Of course, it is only useful in gymnastics.",JERRY,Oh boy...
ELAINE,"Well, what did you think she was gonna do?",JERRY,"Well, you know. I mean... I dunno."
ELAINE,"No, what?",JERRY,"Well, obviously I prefer not to mention any, you know..."
ELAINE,"What did you think, she was going to take some of that chalk and...",JERRY,"You see, now I really don't want to get into this, any kind of specifics..."
ELAINE,"Oh, come on. One thing? One thing! What?",JERRY,"Well... Frankly, I thought, you know, I was gonna kinda' be like the apparatus."
KRAMER,You mean like the uneven parallel bars?,JERRY,"See, again, I really don't feel that..."
ELAINE,The balance beam?,JERRY,Could we stop?
ELAINE,(gasps in mock surprise) Not the pommel horse?,JERRY,All right. Let's just drop it.
ELAINE,"I dunno, at least three weeks.",JERRY,"(sarcastic) Oh, great."
ELAINE,"Jerry, that is such small potatoes. I think that I may have single-handedly put the kibosh on the big water merger.",JERRY,Between Poland and Morgan?
ELAINE,Yeah. Started a big name controversy.,JERRY,Kramer! The stone!
GEORGE,"(on phone, as Jerry gestures beside him) No, Lindsay, I had accidentally spilled coffee on the gentleman's windshield. Why would I do that? I have a job! Well, did she see a squeegee? Well, you're not going to make a dime without a squeegee. That's right, that's right, just tell your mother it was all a big misunderstanding. You won't regret it. Okay, I'll see you later. Buh-bye. (hangs up)",JERRY,Strike two!
GEORGE,You think I'm going down?,JERRY,You're behind in the count.
KRAMER,"(enters apartment, points at Jerry) Hey, what are you doing later?",JERRY,"I'm going out with Katya, thanks to you."
KRAMER,"Well, maybe you should try again. You know what happens the first time people are a little shy, a little reticent.",JERRY,"If I do it again, that extends my payment book another two weeks."
KRAMER,"All right, where you going?",JERRY,We're going to the circus. One of her old Olympic teammates is an acrobat. I don't even feel like going out.
KRAMER,"Well, Jerry, it's your obligation. C'mon.",JERRY,"Yeah, well, y'know what? If I gotta go, and spend time with this girl, then you're coming with me, Dr. Cyclops!"
KRAMER,"No, no, no, I don't wanna go to the circus, Jerry.",JERRY,"Yeah, well you're going."
KATYA,"So, Jerry, you're enjoying the circus?",JERRY,"""Greatest Show on Earth""!"
KATYA,"My father used to take me to the circus. When the elephants came by, he would scream curses at them, blaming them for all the ills of society.",JERRY,"Well, they certainly take up a lot of space."
MISHA,It is time.,JERRY,"Well, break a leg."
ANNOUNCER,"Ladies and gentlemen, the incomparable Misha!",JERRY,"Boy, those capes are really coming back."
PARTY GUEST,"(exits bathroom, finds George waiting) Oh, sorry I took so long. They've got one of those 3-D art posters in there. (wipes eyes) It's mesmerizing.",JERRY,What is that sound?
KATYA,He'll be all right. I must go and be with Misha now. I don't want you to come with me.,JERRY,"Oh, why not?"
KATYA,It has been three days since our night together. Misha said that was all the time I needed to put in.,JERRY,Really?
WAITRESS,"O.K. Cowboys, (taps pencil on her pad) What'll you have?",JERRY,"Ill have the, ah, turkey club without the bacon."
GEORGE,"Wow, is she not terrific?",JERRY,She does have a way.
GEORGE,"You think she thinks I have a beautiful face, or is she just saying that?",JERRY,Well they do work on tips.
GEORGE,"George, don't make me get tough with you. Whu, hu, hu, hu huuuu (raises arms) Who says that? She is really cool. What do you think? You think she likes me?",JERRY,"Ah, I should have got the egg white omelet."
GEORGE,"Why should she like me? Who am I? Huh, there's a million people to like.",JERRY,The omelet. Damn.
GEORGE,Maybe she could like me? Is it that far fetched? Maybe she sees something? Is it possible?,JERRY,No.
GEORGE,No.,JERRY,Not possible.
GEORGE,Hey Elaine.,JERRY,"Lannie, how was the trip?"
ELAINE,"Actually it was great. I met an Englishman, and we really, hit it off.",JERRY,"Yeah, well that relationships really got a lot of potential."
GEORGE,All this in 5 days. Hmm.,JERRY,"Oh no, it's Kenny Bania."
GEORGE,Who's he?,JERRY,"(quietly) Oh, he's this awful comedian."
BANIA,Hey Jerry.,JERRY,"Hey Kenny. (with some fake enthusiasm, just to be polite)"
BANIA,Hi. (to Elaine),JERRY,How's it going?
BANIA,"Great. I've been working out. Went from a size 40, to a 42.",JERRY,No kidding.
BANIA,"Yeah, Im huge (ducks his head into his right shoulder with false modesty) Well, Ill leave you guys alone. (raps his knuckle twice on the table, turns and walks away)",JERRY,All right.
BANIA,"Oh. Jerry, You know what just hit me? I was thinking -- What size suit are you?",JERRY,"Ahh, Im a 40. Why?"
BANIA,I just got a brand new Armani suit -- doesn't fit me anymore. You want it?,JERRY,Well I don't know if I ...
GEORGE,Take the suit.,JERRY,"Well ... ok, I guess (voice trailing off)"
BANIA,You gonna be home later?,JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,"Heh heh heh hey, new suit (raises coffee cup as a salute / toast)",JERRY,"Yeah, yeah, lucky me. (sips coffee)"
GEORGE,"Boy, she is nice. I like her, I like her Jerry. She's got substance. She oozes substance.",JERRY,"Well, go in there and talk to her. She's not going to put em on the glass."
GEORGE,"You mean a walk back in? That's the toughest move in the business. You're sending me out into no-mans-land, and if I get shot down I have to crawl all the way back. Well I can't do it! I can't do it, I tell ya!",JERRY,Pull yourself together. Your going in there soldier! That's an order!
KRAMER,"Hey. (walking over to Jerry, who sits at the table reading the newspaper)",JERRY,Hey.
KRAMER,"Listen, I need you to do me a favor.",JERRY,What?
KRAMER,"Well, I need you to help me move my refrigerator.",JERRY,Why?
KRAMER,Cause Im getting rid of it.,JERRY,YEAH? (speaking loudly so the visitor can hear him through the intercom)
BANIA,"[It's K.B., I have the suit]",JERRY,"ALL RIGHT, COME ON UP (Jerry puts his head down - he's not looking forward to Kenny Bania)"
KRAMER,(claps hands) So ...,JERRY,"Well, well, why are you getting rid of your refrigerator? (he gets up from the table and carries a dish into the kitchen)"
KRAMER,Well after that Kidney Stone I only want fresh food. It's gotta be fresh. Im not eating any more stored food. Plus you know I want the space.,JERRY,What for?
BANIA,Hey (holds the Armani suit up) Here you go. (walks into the apt.),JERRY,Yeah.
KRAMER,"Armani? Hey, Armani Jerry. (Kramer takes the suit and looks it over)",JERRY,"Yes, yes, I heard."
KRAMER,"Come on, try it on.",JERRY,"No, it's ok."
KRAMER,"Come on, I want to see how it fits.",JERRY,"All right, all right. (trying on the suit jacket)"
KRAMER,There you go.,JERRY,"Ok, Yeah all right."
KRAMER,"He's very generous, isn't he?",JERRY,"Yes, yes, he is."
BANIA,Ill tell you what -- you can take me out to dinner sometime.,JERRY,Dinner?
BANIA,All right. Ill leave you alone. (turns and walks out the door),JERRY,"Yeah, Ill see you."
KRAMER,"All right, ooh look at that Armani, huh, yeah.",JERRY,"Yeah, that's a deal. That's a terrible deal. I don't want to go out to dinner with him. Id rather make my own suit."
GEORGE,I did it! It's all done!,JERRY,Hey. (raises hands into fists of encouragement)
GEORGE,"I did it. Hunh, we're going out as soon as she gets off of work and it'll still be daytime. You know I, Im much better in the daytime then I am at night. it's less pressure.",JERRY,"I love the day date. No wine, No shower."
GEORGE,"Yes, I sure did.",JERRY,So you just pretended it didnt bother you?
GEORGE,"What is that, Boyfriend? I don't understand that. What, what does she think I asked her out for?",JERRY,"Boy, It's the way they just slip it in there too."
GEORGE,"Yeah, yeah, like it's just part of the conversation. Oh my boyfriend really likes watches. He's a real watch freak. We-e-ell that's fabulous. (snaps fingers in the air a couple of times)",JERRY,Well let me ask you this. What exactly did you say when you asked her out?
GEORGE,"I said, would you like to go for a walk or something.",JERRY,"Oh, a walk, well --"
GEORGE,"Or something. I said, Or Something!",JERRY,"Or something. Yeah, that's a date."
GEORGE,(snaps fingers) There you go.,JERRY,"Course you know there is always the possibility, that she called an audible."
GEORGE,What do you mean?,JERRY,"Well she got up to the line of scrimmage, didnt like the looks of the defense and changed the play."
GEORGE,I think things were going ok. We were having a nice conversation.,JERRY,Uh huh.
GEORGE,I mentioned how I liked horse manure.,JERRY,You did?
GEORGE,Yeah.,JERRY,Yeah. You said you liked horse manure.
GEORGE,Yeah.,JERRY,(quietly) Mm-hm.
GEORGE,"You know, about how when you break it down, it's really a very positive thing. you know, you have a nure, with a ma in front of it. MA-NURE. Iz not bad.",JERRY,And it was around this point that she mentioned the boyfriend?
GEORGE,"Yeah. (Jerry nodding) ... Oh, you think because of what I said about the manure. I wa, wa, was just saying how it takes a negative thing, and puts it on a positive spin on it.",JERRY,Im just saying there's a chance she may not have been enamored with your thoughts and feelings on manure.
GEORGE,So you don't think she really has a boyfriend?,JERRY,"My honest opinion, I think she made it up."
KRAMER,Hey.,JERRY,"Aaa. Well ... you want something to eat, don't you?"
KRAMER,"It's all fresh. Fresh fish, fresh foul, fresh fruit. I buy it, I omniga nominga, I eat it.",JERRY,Well Im glad it's working out.
KRAMER,"Oh yeah, it's working out. And I got a date with that waitress who works at Reggies.",JERRY,"Boy, if I could meet a hostess, we could open up our own place."
KRAMER,"Ha ha ha ha. Yeah, well, Ill tell you, she's a full-figured gal.",JERRY,Is she?
KRAMER,All right it's done.,JERRY,Hello?
BANIA,"Hi, Jerry. It's Kenny.",JERRY,"Oh, Hi."
BANIA,"You know, I was thinking if you're not busy, maybe I can get my meal today?",JERRY,"Yeah, you wanna get that meal, don't you?"
BANIA,"How about Mendys, ooh, ever been there?",JERRY,No I haven't?
BANIA,Ah youre gonna love it. Ill meet you there around 700.,JERRY,All right.
BANIA,Ahh.,JERRY,"(hangs up the phone) Yeah, I really needed that suit."
BANIA,"I start off with curls. That's good for the bicep. (motions with 2 fingers along his right bicep) I do 10 reps, 2 sets.",JERRY,Mm. That's fantastic. (he could care less)
BANIA,You work out with weights?,JERRY,No I don't.
BANIA,You should.,JERRY,Why?
BANIA,You worn the suit yet?,JERRY,"No, not yet."
BANIA,"Oh, get the swordfish. Best swordfish in the city. The best, Jerry.",JERRY,Ill have the salmon.
BANIA,"Ahh, you know what I think. Im just going to have soup. Yeah, Ill save the meal for another time.",JERRY,Another time? What other time?
BANIA,I had a hot dog earlier. Im not that hungry.,JERRY,"No, no, Bania, no. This is the dinner. The soup counts."
BANIA,Soup's not a meal. You're supposed to buy me a meal.,JERRY,Im not stopping you from eating. Go ahead and eat. Get anything you want.
BANIA,But I don't want anything but soup.,JERRY,Then that's the meal.
BANIA,But I had the hot dog.,JERRY,I didnt tell you to have a hot dog. Who told you to have a hot dog?
BANIA,"Hey, I give you a brand-new Armani suit, and you won't even buy me a meal?",JERRY,"All right, fine. Get the soup!"
ELAINE,What kind of soup did he get?,JERRY,I don't know? Consomm or something.
ELAINE,"Consomm, hmm.",JERRY,What?
ELAINE,"Well, that's not really a meal Jerry. I mean, if he had gotten, Chicken Gumbo, or Matzah Ball, even Mushroom Barley. Then I would agree with you. Those are very hardy soups.",JERRY,Elaine you're missing the whole point.
ELAINE,What?,JERRY,"The meal is the act of sitting down with him. It doesn't matter what you get, as long as he's sitting in that restaurant, its a meal."
ELAINE,Was it a cup or a bowl?,JERRY,"You see -- ah, uh ..."
ELAINE,Im just curious.,JERRY,"A bowl, ok?"
ELAINE,"(reiterating the question) Did he crumble, any crackers in it?",JERRY,"As a mater of fact, he did."
ELAINE,"Oh, well. Crackers in a bowl. That -- That could be a meal.",JERRY,It's like Im talking to my Aunt Sylvia here.
SIMON,No. There was only six dollars.,JERRY,"Well, I have some money. What do you need? (pulls out some bills)"
ELAINE,(English accent) Pardon?,JERRY,So is she working? Is she here?
GEORGE,"Yeah, yeah, she's here.",JERRY,Have you said anything to her?
GEORGE,"No, but Im very uncomfortable.",JERRY,Are you going to say anything?
GEORGE,"Ill eh, Ill just have a bowl of chili.",JERRY,Ill have an egg white omelet.
GEORGE,What's it gonna be? ... You hear that?,JERRY,"Yeah, that was bad."
GEORGE,Did you feel that tension? We use to have banter - (puts menu back with frustration) - there's no more banter.,JERRY,"Oh, no, it's Kenny. Slide out so he can't sit down. (George & Jerry each slide to the end of their booth seats)"
BANIA,Hey.,JERRY,Hey.
BANIA,You worn the suit yet?,JERRY,"Actually, I did. I put it on last night and slept in it."
BANIA,You did?,JERRY,"... Oh, Im joking."
BANIA,What kind of soup do you have?,JERRY,Why don't you get a sandwich?
BANIA,"Ok, Ill have tomato soup and ah, tuna on toast.",JERRY,OK ... (nodding his head up and down) This is it cha know
BANIA,What are you talking about? this isn't a meal.,JERRY,Yes it is. Soup and sandwich. That is a meal.
BANIA,"You're supposed to buy me dinner in a nice restaurant, like Mendys.",JERRY,I tried to do that.
BANIA,This is lunch in a coffee shop,JERRY,"Doesn't matter, This is it. This completes the transaction."
KRAMER,She doesn't have a boyfriend. She made it up.,JERRY,Hi.
ELAINE,Hi.,JERRY,Where's Simon?
ELAINE,"Oh, he'll be right up. He's just getting some beer. And Im not expecting ... any change. (leans forward as she brings her hands together in front of her, then sits on the couch)",JERRY,When's he leaving? (putting some items into the refrigerator)
SIMON,Hey mate. Fancy a beer?,JERRY,"Ah, no thanks."
SIMON,40.,JERRY,"40. Perfect. Brand-new Armani suit, you want it?"
SIMON,Absolutely.,JERRY,"Great, its yours. I can't stand the sight of it. Elaine, heres the car keys. (tosses her the keys)"
ELAINE,Thanks,JERRY,Yo?
BANIA,"Listen Jerry, I've been doing some thinking. I want my suit back.",JERRY,I don't have your suit. I gave it away.
BANIA,Well it's my suit.,JERRY,Well it's gone. Im sorry. Good-bye Bania.
KRAMER,"Um, yeah. (glances around the apt.) Oh, uh ... well, how's everything? (clap)",JERRY,Ok.
KRAMER,"Good, ah, (clap) what's going on?",JERRY,Nothing.
KRAMER,Really.,JERRY,"You want food, don't cha? (nodding his head up and down)"
KRAMER,"It's not for me. It's for Hilde -- the waitress I was telling you about. She's hungry, she wants food. If I go back in there without any food ... there's gonna be trouble. (his voice gets really high pitched on his last sentence)",JERRY,"All right, go ahead"
HILDE,"All right, it'll have to do. Come on.",JERRY,What are we doing out here? Aren't we going to go in and eat?
GEORGE,I can't go in there. Im too uncomfortable.,JERRY,"Oh, w-what are you saying? So we're not going to go in there anymore?"
ELAINE,"Hey, What are you doing out here?",JERRY,"We can't eat here anymore, because he took a waitress out for a walk."
ELAINE,"All right. Let's go, to Reggies.",JERRY,So what's going on with Simon? Did he leave?
ELAINE,"So Simon picks this woman up, right in front of me.",JERRY,"Look at this. They make a point of saying on the menu, No egg white omelets. Look at that."
HILDE,(walks up to the table) Hello.,JERRY,"Oh, hi Hilde. Can I get an egg white omelet?"
HILDE,Did you read the menu?,JERRY,"All right, just give me a western. (unhappy)"
GEORGE,"I mean, it's not fair. I've been going there for 7 years. She's been there 3 weeks.",JERRY,Not fair.
GEORGE,"If anyone should be forced to leave that place, it should be her!",JERRY,She's on your turf.
GEORGE,If only she could get fired. Is there any way that could happen? I mean I know how to get myself fired.,JERRY,You're the best.
GEORGE,Well ...... but how do I get someone else fired?,JERRY,"Well as I see it, you've got to apply the same principles that get you fired, but redirected, outwardly."
KRAMER,H-Hey. She's hungry Jerry.,JERRY,"Well, there's nothing left. There's no food."
KRAMER,"There, you see. She's already in a bad mood. She just got fired.",JERRY,Why'd she get fired?
ELAINE,"So, Simon is definitely going back now. He's meeting me here to return my keys.",JERRY,"Boy, he's a real bounder, isn't he?"
BANIA,"Hey Jerry, where's my suit?",JERRY,I don't have it. You want half my omelet? (holds his omelet plate up to Bania)
GEORGE (suddenly interested),Jon Voight?,JERRY,"Okay, Tim. You're welcome. (Hangs up.)"
ELAINE,Was that Tim Whatley?,JERRY,"Yes, it was. He wanted your address - you, my friend, are going to be invited to his night-before-Thanksgiving party. (Elaine raises her hands triumphantly, then gleefully struts her way to the kitchen.) You know, he's got that great apartment on 77th street, and they overlook where they inflate all those huge balloons for the Macy's Thankgiving Day Parade?"
ELAINE,I have always had a big crush on Tim Whatley. Why can't he ask me out? (Punctuates this by shoving Jerry.),JERRY,"Oh, he's a dentist. You don't want to go out with a dentist."
ELAINE,Why?,JERRY,"He'll always be criticizing your brushing technique, it'll drive you crazy. (Mimics brushing his teeth) Away from the gums... (The door opens a little, George jangles the keys to his new car at Jerry and Elaine, then enters.)"
ELAINE,Ohhh!,JERRY,Hey! Did you get the Volvo?
ELAINE,A LeBaron?,JERRY,I thought Consumer said Volvo was the car.
GEORGE,What Consumer? I'm the consumer.,JERRY,Alright. Seems like...a strange choice.
GEORGE (boasting),That's right. He just happened to be the previous owner of the vehicle.,JERRY,You bought a car because it belonged to Jon Voight?
GEORGE (defensive),"No, no...",JERRY,"I think yes, yes. You like the idea of telling people you're driving Jon Voight's car."
KRAMER,"Hey, Bogambo - they've been in the neighborhood for 48 years. Now, come on, Jerry. You've gotta have a pair of shoes in need of a cobblin.'",JERRY,I really don't wear the kind of shoes that have to be cobbled.
KRAMER,"Well, what about sneakers? You know, they'll clean 'em. They do complete detailing.",JERRY,"Alright, take 'em."
GEORGE,You are gonna love this car. Even if you don't like Jon Voight.,JERRY,"I like Jon Voight. Just seems like kind've a strange reason to buy a car, because he might have driven it."
GEORGE,"What do you mean ""might""? You don't think he really owned this car?",JERRY,I don't know.
GEORGE,"Well, why would the guy make up something like that? Of all the names he could pick, why settle on Jon Voight?",JERRY,"Don't you see, that's the genius of it. If he had said Liam Neeson, you'd know he's making it up."
GEORGE,"Neeson? How are you comparing Liam Neeson with Jon Voight? Jerry, we're talking about Joe Buck. If you can play Joe Buck, Oskar Schindler's a cake walk. (Opens the car door for Jerry, Jerry's about to get in.)",JERRY,"Oh, look at this, I stepped in gum."
GEORGE (unimpressed),"Liam Neeson. You know, he's not American.",JERRY,Let me get a clean pair. (Goes into his room. George strides over to the window.)
KRAMER,You said take 'em.,JERRY,Not all of 'em!
KRAMER,"Well, obviously there was a miscommunication.",JERRY,Obviously. So what am I supposed to wear?
KRAMER,"Jerry, I left you a pair right here...(goes into Jerry's room and comes out with a pair of cowboy boots.) C'mon. There, put on those boots.",JERRY,I can't wear these!
KRAMER,"Well, why not?",JERRY,They're uncomfortable.
GEORGE,Where did you get those?,JERRY,"I worked a club in Dallas one time and they couldn't afford to pay me so they gave me these. Oh, I can't wear these! (Stands up.) They look ridiculous!"
KRAMER,"Ah, you look like a cowboy! Huh?",JERRY,But I don't wanna be a cowboy!
KRAMER,Yeah?,JERRY,Oh yeah? Huh.
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,"No, nothing."
GEORGE,"No, what is it?",JERRY,"No, it's just that I, uh...didn't get one."
GEORGE,You didn't get one?,JERRY,"Ah, but he called me up and he asked for yours and Elaine's addresses, I'm sure that means I'm invited."
KRAMER,Not necessarily.,JERRY,"Hey, why would you call someone up and ask them for two addresses if you're not invited to the party?"
GEORGE,So?,JERRY,"C'mon, put the top up, it's November!"
GEORGE,"I feel alive, Jerry.",JERRY,"Let's check out the glove box. (Opens the glove compartment, takes out a pencil.) Ah. Pencil."
GEORGE,"Hey...you don't think...sure, that's Jon Voight's pencil!",JERRY,With Jon Voight's teeth marks. (Looks at the owner's manual.) Owner's manual...you know what? This car was owned by Jon Voight.
GEORGE,Ah! See? I told ya.,JERRY,Except Jon is spelled with an H. J-O-H-N.
GEORGE,So?,JERRY,Doesn't Jon Voight spell his name J-O-N?
GEORGE (pulls over),"So, what are you saying?",JERRY,"Nothing. I'm sure ""Jon"" probably mispelled his own name. I know sometimes I spell Jerry with a G...and an I! (Laughs uproariously.)"
GEORGE (angrily),Get out of the car!,JERRY,What?
GEORGE,Get out!,JERRY,And Barbara Mandrell's skateboard!
GEORGE,Did they take anything?,JERRY,"No, they didn't even touch me. I tripped because of these stupid cowboy boots."
GEORGE,"Anyway, again, I'm sorry about throwing you out of the car.",JERRY,You really seemed to enjoy it.
ELAINE,"So Jerome, I did a little snooping around for you.",JERRY,"Ah! What'd you find out, Lois?"
ELAINE,"Well, I talked to Tim Whatley...",JERRY,Yeah...
ELAINE,"And I asked him, ""Should Jerry bring anything?""",JERRY,So...?
ELAINE,"Mmmm...and he said, ""Why would Jerry bring anything?""",JERRY,"Alright, but let me ask you this question."
ELAINE,What?,JERRY,"Which word did he emphasize? Did he say, ""Why would Jerry bring anything?"" or, ""Why would Jerry bring anything?"" You emphasize ""Jerry"" or ""bring."""
ELAINE,"I think he emphasized ""would.""",JERRY,"You know what? The hell with this party, I don't even want to go to begin with. (Kramer enters.)"
KRAMER,Hey.,JERRY,"Hey, so where's my sneakers?"
KRAMER,That's what I wanna know.,JERRY,What do you mean?
KRAMER,"Well, I saw Mom and Pop this morning, but when I went by the store on my way home? The place was empty. Everything is gone. Mom and Pop - vrooop - vanished.",JERRY,So all my sneakers are gone?
KRAMER,I'm afraid so. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I've been asking around - they didn't even have any kids.,JERRY,Mom and Pop aren't even a Mom and Pop?!
ELAINE,"Alright, that's enough of this.",JERRY,Where ya goin'?
ELAINE,I gotta go to the Dixieland Deli to pick up Mr. Pitt's security pass for the parade.,JERRY,Why does he want to hold a rope underneath Woody Woodpecker in the Thanksgiving Day Parade?
KRAMER,"Hey! Jon Voight! Jon Voight! (Voight waves at Kramer and hurriedly gets in the cab. Kramer runs over to the car.) Hey, listen, can I ask you something? Listen, listen...(Leans in the the open back window of the cab. Defensively, Voight grabs Kramer's arm and bites it. Kramer screams. The cab speeds off leaving Kramer in the street, stunned.)",JERRY,"No Jon Voight Day, huh?"
GEORGE,"No. Now I'll always have this doubt about the car. What, your jaw still hurts?",JERRY,"Yeah, it's all swollen. I think I may have chipped a tooth when I fell yesterday."
GEORGE,You should have somebody take a look at that.,JERRY,"I'm calling dentists all day here, there's nobody working the day before Thanksgiving."
GEORGE,You going to the party?,JERRY,"No, I don't know if I'm invited."
GEORGE,"Well, there's going to be a lot of dentists there.",JERRY,"Yeah, you're right."
GEORGE,You don't want to suffer with this all weekend.,JERRY,"Yeah, I gotta see a dentist, this is killin' me. Well, I'll take a chance. We'll go together."
GEORGE,Maybe I'll just meet you there.,JERRY,You don't want to go with me?
GEORGE,"Jerry, for all I know this guy went out of his way to not invite you. How am I gonna feel if I show up with an uninvited, unwelcome intruder?",JERRY,"The way I feel when I go places with you? (Kramer enters.) Hey, so'd you find my sneakers yet?"
KRAMER,"No, I couldn't, his cab pulled away. But he did, however, make an impression on me. (Pulls up his sleeve and shows George his arm.) Look.",JERRY,What?
GEORGE,Jon Voight bit you?,JERRY,"Well, what is he, a vampire?"
KRAMER,"That he did. Now, you got that pencil with the bite marks on it? We get a trained eye to match 'em up, and we'll see whether or not you're driving Jon Voight's car!",JERRY,"Oh, please."
GEORGE,"Wait a minute, wait, it's not that stupid.",JERRY,"No, it's stupid."
GEORGE,"Why? Why isn't it possible? I mean, they're both bite marks.",JERRY,So you're gonna show up at that party with a chewed-up pencil and Kramer's gnarled arm.
GEORGE,It's worth a shot. (Goes to the door.),JERRY,"So, Kramer, you wanna go to the party together?"
KRAMER,That's right. He's a troublemaker.,JERRY,"Hey, Elaine. Did you get my message?"
ELAINE,What? I can't hear you.,JERRY,"Elaine, would you marry me?"
ELAINE,"I told you, I can't hear a word.",JERRY,Alright. Forget it.
TIM,Jerry.,JERRY,"Hey, Tim."
TIM,Jerry. I didn't think you'd show.,JERRY,"Did you say, ""Jerry, I didn't think you'd show"" or, ""Jerry, I didn't think you'd show""? (Elaine comes over.)"
DENTIST,Can't this wait until Monday? Come by my office.,JERRY,Just a quick peek. I'm in agony.
KRAMER,Those kids look pretty disappointed.,JERRY,"Especially that big kid up in the front. (Mr. Pitt is shown on the television, trying to hold up the deflating Woody balloon.) How old is he? (The phone rings.) Hello?"
GUY ON PHONE,"Hello, is this Jerry Seinfeld?",JERRY,Yes it is.
GUY ON PHONE,"You don't know me, but a really strange thing happened. I was at a garage sale, and this old couple sold me a used pair of sneakers they claimed belonged to Jerry Seinfeld, the comedian.",JERRY,"Can I have the address of that garage sale? Okay, thank you very much. (To Kramer) I found Mom and Pop, they're sellin' my sneakers!"
KRAMER,Where are they?,JERRY,"Parsippany, New Jersey."
KRAMER,Let's go!,JERRY,My car's in the shop.
GEORGE,Well I am actually going to have a secretary and I get to do the interview.,JERRY,That's incredible. Six months ago you were taking messages for your mother.
GEORGE,"Yeah, and now someone's going to be taking messages for me.",JERRY,From your mother.
GEORGE,"Sure. I could go the tomato route. But eh, I've given this a lot of thought Jerry. All that frustration. Ill never get any work done. So Im doing a complete 360. Im going for total efficiency and ability.",JERRY,"That's a 180, George."
GEORGE,Whatever.,JERRY,Hi Willie.
WILLIE,Hey Jerry.,JERRY,I got this stuff and ah my mother's fur coat for storage.
WILLIE,What are you doing with it?,JERRY,"Ah, she keeps it in my apartment for when she comes up from Florida."
DONNA,Hi.,JERRY,Hi.
WILLIE,"Hey Jerry, you know my wife Donna.",JERRY,"Yeah, that's why I said hi."
WILLIE,"Hey, nice jacket. (looking over the jacket)",JERRY,Thanks. It's Hounds-Tooth.
WILLIE,"Whoa, this is a beauty. Great cut. It's probably very flattering.",JERRY,"Oh yes, it really accentuates my bust line."
ELAINE,"Ok, So Barneys is having this huge sale. I try this dress on -- (holds the garment bag out towards Jerry) -- Stunning. Stunning. I couldn't take my eyes off myself.",JERRY,Yeah.
ELAINE,"OK, so then I put it on at home. It looks like Im carrying twins.",JERRY,"So you're saying, Store -- Hotsy-Totsy, Home-- Hotsy-Notsy."
ELAINE,Yeah exactly. Anyway I've got to go over there and return it.,JERRY,I thought we were going to the movies?
GEORGE,"Hey Elaine. (George hangs up his raincoat next to the door) Im telling you Jerry, having a secretary is incredible. (George claps hands) I don't know why I didnt have one before.",JERRY,Because you didnt have a job?
GEORGE,"Perhaps. (hehe) I walk in, everything is organized -- messages, appointments. And I can't tell you how proud I am of myself for going with Ade.",JERRY,A lesser man would have crumbled. They would have gone for the dish and the sure fire sexual-harassment suit.
ELAINE,All Right! (throws arms down) You answered it right there.,JERRY,You got no waist in that thing.
ELAINE,"Why did I buy it, because in the mirror, at Barneys, I looked fabulous. This woman was just walking by said I looked like Demi (the ""i"" sounds like an ""e"") Moore in Indecent Proposal.",JERRY,How fast was she walking?
GEORGE,"Demi (the ""i"" sounds like an ""e"")? I thought it was Demi?",JERRY,"No. I think it's Demi. (the ""i"" sounds like an ""e"")"
ELAINE,"Wait a minute (claps hands) Wait a minute. I know what's going on here. Skinny Mirrors! (she pushes George and Jerry in their respective chests, with her arms extended -- one arm for each of them -- they recoil with surprise)",JERRY,What?
ELAINE,"Skinny Mirrors! Barneys has Skinny Mirrors, they make you look, like, 10 pounds lighter.",JERRY,"Oh, you're crazy."
KRAMER,Good idea.,JERRY,Do it tomorrow. Well go to the movies.
ADE,It's definitely doable.,JERRY,"Well, that was the worst."
KRAMER,You got a pen?,JERRY,"Yeah, I think I do."
KRAMER,And I need something to write on.,JERRY,"Well, all I got is my dry-cleaning stub."
KRAMER,"I gust met Uma Therman. She's giving me her telephone number. Uma Jerry, Uma.",JERRY,Uma Therman? Really?
KRAMER,Yeah well I don't have any time to talk now. (he rushes back into the theater),JERRY,"He's got the Kavorca. (looking towards the theater door, Jerry notices one of the movie goers) Hey, isn't that Willie, my dry-cleaner?"
ELAINE,Where?,JERRY,"He just went in. You know, I think he was wearing my Hounds-Tooth jacket."
ELAINE,What would he be doing wearing your jacket?,JERRY,It looked just like the jacket I brought in to be dry-cleaned. He complimented me on it.
GEORGE,"Ade, ahh, ahh, ah ... Im giving you a raise!",JERRY,"So you're having sex and then all of a sudden, you just blurt out Im giving you a raise."
GEORGE,Yeah.,JERRY,Just a quick sidebar here -- are you in anyway authorized to give raises?
GEORGE,"Not that Im aware of, no.",JERRY,"So you're so grateful to have sex, that you'll just shout out anything that comes into your head."
GEORGE,I didnt think ahead.,JERRY,Well maybe she'll just think it was bawdy talk.
GEORGE,I didnt say any other bawdy things.,JERRY,Maybe you could have sex with her again and then take it back.
GEORGE,"All right, you know you're not any help at all here. I don't know what even the point is of talking to you anymore.",JERRY,"All right, all right. Im sorry."
GEORGE,"Yeah, well, I guess the only thing I can do is go into George Steinbrenners office and tell him he has to give her a raise.",JERRY,How long has she been there?
GEORGE,3 days.,JERRY,It's almost a week.
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,"It's a movie stub from the 930 show. George, I think Willie the dry-cleaner has been wearing my clothes."
ELAINE,Ouhhh (Kramer disappears back behind his wall as Elaine opens the dressing room door),JERRY,"Hello, Willie."
WILLIE,"Hey, Jerry. You dropping off?",JERRY,"No, but ah, seen any good movies lately?"
WILLIE,You came by to ask that?,JERRY,"Yeah. Specifically 930 shows. Seen any good 930 shows at the Paragon, Willie?"
WILLIE,What are you gettin at?,JERRY,I saw you the other night stepping out with my Hounds-Tooth jacket.
WILLIE,Jerry that's a breach of the dry-cleaners code.,JERRY,You need a code to tell you not to wear peoples clothes
WILLIE,I wasn't wearing your jacket. Jerry you're imagining things. (he makes the circular motion next to his ears - the international symbol for insane),JERRY,"Yeahhh, am I imagining this? (he whips out the movie stub and holds it up to Willie) Found this little cutie in the pocket. (throws the stub on the counter)"
WILLIE,Jerry.,JERRY,"Yeah, Yeah. Well, now that we understand each other -- Ill be taking my business elsewhere. And I want my mother's fur coat back too."
WILLIE,"Jerry, come on.",JERRY,Now.
WILLIE,Now? (Willie looks off with his eyes to his left -- he is thinking about his wife Donna),JERRY,"Yeah. I want that coat. (Jerry opens his wallet, looking for the dry-cleaning ticket)"
WILLIE,Well ... ahh. (apprehensively),JERRY,"Where's that ticket? Oh, Kramer."
WILLIE,"Wait, you, you mean to tell me you don't have a ticket for the coat?",JERRY,"No, not on me."
WILLIE,"Well, I, I need to see that ticket.",JERRY,Why? I've got my cleaning before without a ticket.
WILLIE,"Yeah, but this is different. Those fur storage warehouses are huge. You cant, get anything without a number.",JERRY,"All right, Ill be back."
FEMALE CUSTOMER,"Hey, what's going on in there?",JERRY,"(to the Barneys sales associate) Excuse me, could you tell me where I could find, like, women's moisturizer lotions?"
KRAMER,[Yeah] (through the door),JERRY,Kramer?
KRAMER,"Oh, Jerry, you got my clothes?",JERRY,What clothes?
KRAMER,Didnt Elaine call you?,JERRY,No.
KRAMER,Well what are you doing here?,JERRY,What am I doing here? You're in the women's dressing room. I need that ticket stub back so I can get my mother's fur coat out.
KRAMER,"Oh, the stub, yeah. I left it in my, my pants",JERRY,Where are your pants?
KRAMER,"Well, I sold them to Bania.",JERRY,What? You sold your pants to Bania. Let me in.
KRAMER,ouhhh -- I had Uma Thermans number written on that stub. I lost Umas number.,JERRY,Where are your clothes?
KRAMER,I told you I sold them to Bania.,JERRY,You mean what you were wearing?
KRAMER,Yeah.,JERRY,How'd you expect to get out of here?
ELAINE,"No. You can wrap it. (Dejected. Elaine puts her head down and her hand to her forehead as she walks into the dressing room area) Kramer, are you still in there?",JERRY,[Elaine]
BANIA,Kramer.,JERRY,"Im going out. (he comes out of the dressing room, while Kramer remains inside)"
BANIA,Jerry.,JERRY,Bania.
KRAMER,"Well you're not getting any money back. (Kramer opens the door) Jerry, come back in here.",JERRY,(to Bania) Excuse me. (he goes back in the dressing room)
KRAMER,Umas number is on that ticket.,JERRY,"Never mind Uma, I need that ticket to get my mother's fur coat back. Why don't you just give him the money for the suit?"
KRAMER,Im not going to give him $300 now for a suit with moisturizer cream all over it.,JERRY,I got an idea.
KRAMER,What?,JERRY,I cant believe Im gonna do this. (Jerry opens the door and exits the dressing room. He walks over to Bania)
BANIA,Pretty good.,JERRY,"Yeah, well, see the thing of it is, Im in a bit of an awkward position here. Because, uhh, I don't want to get in between you two guys but ... I need a dry-cleaning ticket that's in the pocket of those pants."
BANIA,"Well all you gotta do is tell Kramer to give me my money back, and you'll get your ticket.",JERRY,"Yeah, yeah all right, well uh ... tell you what I will do Bania -- you give me the ticket, and uh, I will take you out for a nice dinner."
BANIA,Can we go back to Mendys?,JERRY,"You want to go to Mendys, Ill take you to Mendys."
BANIA,Twice? I wanna go twice.,JERRY,"all right lets be reasonable, Bania. Im taking you out for a nice dinner. All I want is a little ticket in that pocket. I think it's a pretty good deal."
BANIA,Two Mendys.,JERRY,. . . All right (gritting teeth) Just give me the ticket.
BANIA,Here you go.,JERRY,Ohh ... (takes the ticket and heads for the dressing room)
STEINBRENNER,"Sure I like a cup cake every now and then, like everybody else. You know I like it when they have a little cream on the inside, it's a surprise. That's good, plus the chocolate ones are good too. Sometimes I just cant even make up my mind. A lot of times Ill mix the two together, make a vanilla fudge.",JERRY,"Let me in, it's me. (Kramer opens the door, Jerry goes in the dressing room) Here. You don't know what this is costing me. (hands Kramer the ticket)"
KRAMER,"(closes the door) All right, nice work. (he looks at the ticket, flips it over, and then over again) Where's Umas number? The moisturizer smudged out the phone number.",JERRY,"(Takes the ticket back and looks at it, flips it over) The dry-cleaning numbers are gone too."
KRAMER,(grabs the ticket back and holds it up to the light) It must have been the botanical extracts.,JERRY,(grabs the ticket back) Give me that.
BANIA,(looking at the ticket then quickly looks up at Jerry) You trying to get out of Mendys? you cant do that.,JERRY,The ticket is worthless.
BANIA,You promised me.,JERRY,"Hey, Isn't that my mother's fur coat?"
DONNA,No it's not. (the coat),JERRY,It is! (Jerry walks forcefully into the dressing room and closes the door) Give me that back.
DONNA,Are you out of your mind? Don't you ... take your hands ...,JERRY,"You cant have that coat, it's not yours."
BANIA,Mmm. This soup is great.,JERRY,"Yeah, it's very good. (reluctantly)"
BANIA,"I told you Mendys had the best pea soup. The best Jerry, the best. Are you enjoying it?",JERRY,Yeah. Im having a wonderful time. (it's obvious he isn't)
BANIA,"Wait till you try the swordfish. You know Jerry, I was thinking. For our next meal, do you think we should come here ... or should we go someplace else? You know it has it's pros and cons. On the one hand, here, you're guaranteed a great meal. On the other hand --",JERRY,"(Interrupting Bania) Yeah, yeah I know. This would be good, but it would be the same. But if we go some place else, it would be different, but it might not be as good. It's a gamble. I get it."
BANIA,"Yeah. Well, lets hurry up and eat I gotta get out of here. Im meeting a woman for a drink.",JERRY,"Oh, and who might that be?"
BANIA,Some woman named Uma. I got her number off of that ticket before it was smudged. Hope she's good-looking. (crosses his fingers in the air),JERRY,"If you are a waitress and you ever see me in a restaurant, Im telling you right now, I don't want to hear about the specials. I don't want to know about the specials. Im sick of the specials. I hate the specials. My feeling is, if the specials were so special, they'd be on the menu. You know what's special about them? They don't know if anybody likes them. They always have these overly creative descriptions of the specials too, you know. The veil is lightly slapped, and then sequestered in a one-bedroom suite with a white wine intravenous."
LOIS,You really like to say my name? Don't you?,JERRY,Excuse me Lois. Stand back Lois. Jimmy's in trouble Lois.
DUNCAN,Jerry Seinfeld!,JERRY,Duncan Meyers!
LOIS,Would you be able to come all the way downtown again in rush hour to pick me up?,JERRY,"Well, I'd have to be Superman to do that Lois."
GEORGE,"Huh, he's a communist. . . . Look at this. ""Exciting uninhibited woman seeks forward thinking comrade and appearance not important."" . . . Appearance Not Important! This is unbelievable. Finally this is an ideology I can embrace.",JERRY,Hi oh.
ELAINE,Where's Lois?,JERRY,She couldn't make it.
GEORGE,I can't believe you're really going out with a woman named Lois.,JERRY,"I know, finally. But George, guess who her boss is. Duncan Meyers."
ELAINE,Who's he?,JERRY,"Elaine, only one other person in the world knows what I am about to tell you and that's George. When we were in the ninth grade they had us all line up at one end of the school yard for this big race to see who was going to represent the school in this track meet."
ELAINE,Uh uh,JERRY,"I was the last one on the end. George was next to me. And Mr. Bevilacqua, the gym . . ."
ELAINE,What's that?,JERRY,"Mr. Bevilacqua, the gym teacher."
ELAINE,"Oh, of course.",JERRY,"He was down at the other end. So he yells out, ""Ready, On your mark, Get set, "" and I was so keyed up I just took off. By the time he said go I was ten yards ahead of everybody."
GEORGE,I looked up. I couldn't believe it.,JERRY,By the time the race was over I had won. I was shocked nobody had noticed the head start.
ELAINE,Really?,JERRY,And I had won by so much a myth began to grow about my speed. Only Duncan suspected something was a miss. He's hated me ever since. Now he's back.
ELAINE,Well what happened when you raced him again?,JERRY,I never did. In four years of high school I would never race anyone again. Not even to the end of the block to catch a bus. And so the legend grew. Everyone wanted me to race. They begged me. The track coach called my parents. Pleading. Telling them it was a sin to waste my god given talent. But I answered him in the same way I answered everyone. I chose not to run.
ELAINE,So now Duncan is back?,JERRY,He's back. And I knew he would be someday. (drinks) Man that's some tart cider!
LOIS,Hi.,JERRY,Hi.
LOIS,Sorry I missed the Chinese food.,JERRY,"Oh, so am I . Uh, how's Duncan?"
LOIS,He's okay.,JERRY,He say anything?
LOIS,About what?,JERRY,"Oh, nothing in particular."
LOIS,. . . Why did you cheat in that race?,JERRY,I did not cheat.
LOIS,He said that you got a head start.,JERRY,"Oh, he's just jealous because he came in second."
LOIS,Really?,JERRY,Yes
LOIS,So you WERE the fastest kid in school.,JERRY,Faster than a speeding bullet Lois.
GEORGE,So you lied to her?,JERRY,I couldnt tell her the truth. I don't know what's going to happen between us. What if we have a bad breakup. She'll go straight to Duncan. And I want him to go to his grave never being certain I got that
ELAINE,"Well, I'm dating a communist.",JERRY,"Wow, a communist. That's something."
GEORGE,"Hey, did I tell you I called one of those girls from the personal ads in The Daily Worker?",JERRY,The Daily Worker has personal ads?
GEORGE,And they say appearance is not important.,JERRY,Yours or hers?
KRAMER,Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas everyone. Merry Christmas.,JERRY,"Wow, look at you. So you got the job."
MICKEY,"Yeah, right!. On Prancer, on Dancer, on Donna, on Ethyl, on Harriet.",JERRY,"Hello, Oh hi Lois, you want to get together, what for? I don't know about that, I'll have to think about it. I'll let you know. Okay, bye."
GEORGE,What's up?,JERRY,Duncan wants to get together with her and me for lunch tomorrow. He obviously wants me to admit I got a head start. And I don't think she believes me.
GEORGE,He wants to meet you? I'll tell you what. I'll show up. He doesn't know we're friends. I'll pretend I haven't seen you since High School. I'll back up the story.,JERRY,That's not bad.
DUNCAN,But there's no way you could have beaten me by that much. I already beaten you in Junior High School three times.,JERRY,"I didn't hit puberty til the 9th grade. That's what gave me my speed. Besides, if I got a head start why didn't Mr. Bevilacqua stop the race?"
DUNCAN,That's what I've always wondered about.,JERRY,"Well, I . . . [sees George]"
GEORGE,"Oh, my God, No, oh my God, . . . Jerry!",JERRY,"I'm sorry, uh,"
GEORGE,"George, George Costanza!",JERRY,"Oh, George Costanza , Kennedy High."
GEORGE,"Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, don't tell me, don't tell me. It starts with a . . . Duncan Meyers. Oh, wow, this is something. I haven't seen you guys in what, twenty years?",JERRY,This is Lois.
GEORGE,So what have you been doing with yourself?,JERRY,I'm I'm a comedian.
GEORGE,"Ah ha, well, I really wouldn't know about that. I don't watch much TV. I like to read. So what do you do, a lot of that ""did you ever notice?"" this kind of stuff.",JERRY,"Yeah, yeah"
GEORGE,It strikes me a lot of guys are doing that kind of humor now.,JERRY,"Yeah, yeah, Well, you really got bald there, didn't you?"
GEORGE,"Yeah, yeah.",JERRY,You really used to have a think full head of hair.
GEORGE,"Yeah, yeah. Well, I guess I started losing it when I was about twenty-eight right around the time I made my first million. You know what they say. The first million is the hardest one.",JERRY,"yeah, yeah."
GEORGE,Yep. And it didn't take very long either.,JERRY,Well you've really built yourself up into something.
GEORGE,"Well, well, I had a dream, Jerry.",JERRY,"Well, one cannot help[ but wonder what brings you into a crummy little coffee shop like this."
GEORGE,"Well, I like to stay in touch with the people.",JERRY,"Ah, you know you have a hole in your sneaker there. What is that canvas?"
GEORGE,"You know my driver's waiting, I really should get running. Good to see you guys again.",JERRY,"George, George, hang on. I haven't seen you in so long."
GEORGE,"Ha, uh,",JERRY,I thought we might reminisce a little more. You know Duncan and I were just taking about the big race.
GEORGE,"Oh, the big race.",JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,"Yes, yes, you know I was in detention and she came up behind me while I was erasing the blackboard . . .",JERRY,George!
GEORGE,"But I digress. Let me see, now. You were standing at one end of the line and I was right next to you. And I remember we were even for like, the first five yards and then , BOOM,...You were gone.",JERRY,Did I get a head start?
GEORGE,"Head start, oh no absolutely not.",JERRY,You satisfied? So you see?
DUNCAN,That's a good idea.,JERRY,"No, no, no, another race - out of the question."
LOIS,Race him Jerry. Race him.,JERRY,All right! I'll do it. The race is on.
ELAINE,. . . shut up! (?),JERRY,And he's calling all these people from High School to come and watch. I knew this day would come. I can't do it. I can't go through with it. I'm calling it off. I can't let the legend die. It's like a kid finding out there's no Santa Claus
GEORGE,"(on phone) . It's George Costanza. . are there any messages for me? Why does Mr. Steinbrenner want to see me in his office? . . . Communist? I'm not a Communist . . . . All right, all right. All right, I'll be there. - ( hangs up ) My secretary Ada, told Mr Steinbrenner I'm a Communist Now he wants to see me in his office.",JERRY,So you'll just explain to him you're not a Communist. You just called the woman for a date.
STORE MANAGER,Not anymore. Get your skinny ass out of here.,JERRY,Hi how are you?
LOIS,. . . Fine.,JERRY,What's the matter?
LOIS,"I just spoke to Duncan. He said if you don't race, he's going to fire me.",JERRY,What? He can't do that.
LOIS,Yes he can. He controls the means of production. What are you going to do Jerry?,JERRY,Don't worry Lois. I'll think of something.
ELAINE,How do you feel?,JERRY,I need a miracle.
MR. BEVILACQUA,You ready boys?,JERRY,"Yes, Mr. Beviacqua"
LOIS,So will you come to Hawaii with me Jerry?,JERRY,"Maybe I will , Lois. Maybe I will."
CASTRO,"And I would be honored if you would be my guest for dinner tonight at the Presidential palace. There will be girls there and, I hear, some pretty good food. Of course the problem with parties is you invariably have to eat standing up which I don't care for but on the other hand I don't like to balance a plate on my lap either. Once when I was at a party, I put my plate on someone's piano. I assure you, if I had not been a dictator, I would not have been able to get away with that one.",JERRY,Come on. Lets go
ELAINE,"No wait, I gotta go in here and pick up Mr. Pitt's tennis recquet.",JERRY,What's it doin here?
LANDIS,You know you should keep in touch. Something may be opening up in a few weeks. Is that a Bruline?,JERRY,"Oh, Bruline. Newman's got the same one."
ELAINE,Newman plays tennis?,JERRY,He's fantastic.
ELAINE,Thanks,JERRY,You loaned her Pitt's racquet?
SANDY,I gotta get going.,JERRY,"Oh, OK. Next time lets play ping pong. It's easier to jump over the net."
ELAINE,Bye,JERRY,Bye bye
ELAINE,Have you noticed she never laughs,JERRY,"Hm, really?"
SANDY,So did you like the movie?,JERRY,"Yeah, it was OK. Frankenstein didn't seem quite right to me. I missed the sport jacket."
SANDY,(nods silently),JERRY,Not that it was that nice of a jacket. I mean it didn't fit him that well. To me there's just something about a monster in a blazer. It shows at least he's making an effort.
SANDY,(nods silently) That's funny.,JERRY,I'm glad you enjoyed it.
NINA,"George I need to freshen., George, George, George ...",JERRY,It was unbelievable. You're right the jokes kept bouncing off her like superman.
ELAINE,"See, what did I tell ya?",JERRY,"And even when she did like something, she doesn't laugh. She says, ""That's funny."" ... That's funny!"
ELAINE,"Oo, I better call that woman at Doubleday and see when I can pick up Mr. Pitt's racquet.",JERRY,I mean how can I be with someone that doesn't laugh. It's like ... well it's like something!
GEORGE,"Well, I heard a noise.",JERRY,What noise?
GEORGE,"You know, .. blah ...",JERRY,What blah?
GEORGE,From the bathroom.,JERRY,"Oh, you think she was refunding?"
GEORGE,"Elaine, of course I'm concerned. I'm payin' for those meals. It's like throwing money down the toilet.",JERRY,In a manner of speaking.
KRAMER,Here's your scrubber back.,JERRY,Thanks.
GEORGE,"Hey, maybe I could bribe one of those women that hand out the towels in the powder room.",JERRY,A matron?
GEORGE,Yeah,JERRY,"uh, well I can't help you there (weakly)."
KRAMER,I can't I can't,JERRY,Kramer you're going to have to face her some time
GEORGE,Cosmo?,JERRY,Why didn't you just ask her for it?
ELAINE,I told you I couldn't. The woman was crying about how she might never play tennis again,JERRY,Yeah
GEORGE,Hey di ho,JERRY,C'mon up.
ELAINE,"augh, he's got a big match tomorrow with Ethyl Kennedy",JERRY,He needs a three hundred-dollar Bruline to beat Ethyl Kennedy?
ELAINE,He'll only play with his racquet,JERRY,"Well, why don't you wait 'til she's not there on her lunch hour and just take it?"
ELAINE,That's stealing?,JERRY,Stealing? You loaned her the racquet!
ELAINE,JERRY Hey,JERRY,So what happened with Kramer's mother?
GEORGE,It's all worked out. Nina and I will have dinner Thursday at the restaurant where Babs works.,JERRY,What's she like?
ELAINE,"Ah, I'm ready what?",JERRY,What is it?
GEORGE,That's right. You ready?,JERRY,We've been trying to get it out of him for ten years. What is it?
LAURA,Yes?,JERRY,"Hi, is Sandy here?"
LAURA,"Hi, you must be Jerry. Sandy's in the shower. Do you want to come in?",JERRY,I would except I forgot to bring a towel.
LAURA,(laughs nicely),JERRY,So the roommate laughed at everything I said.
GEORGE,Wow.,JERRY,"It was a great sounding laugh too, kind of lilting and feminine--none of those big coarse ""ha's."" You know those?"
GEORGE,"Oh yeah HA-A-A, HA-A-A.",JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,"Hate the big coarse ""ha."" Hate those.",JERRY,And the worst part of course is that she also possessed many of the other qualities prized by the Superficial Man.
GEORGE,I see.,JERRY,"So as you can see, I've got a bit of a problem here."
GEORGE,"Well, if I hear you correctly--and I think that I do--my advice to you is to finish your meal, pay your check, leave here, and never mention this to anyone again.",JERRY,"Can't be done, huh?"
GEORGE,The Switch?,JERRY,"""The Switch."""
GEORGE,Can't be done.,JERRY,I wonder.
GEORGE,Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it!,JERRY,They didn't have roommates in the Middle Ages.
GEORGE,"Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200--somewhere--there were two women living together.",JERRY,"The point is I intend to undertake this. And I'll do it with or without you. So if you're scared, if you haven't got the stomach for this, let's get it out right now! And I'll go on my own. If not, you can get on board and we can get to work! Now what's it going to be?"
GEORGE,"All right, dammit, I'm in.",JERRY,I couldn't do it without you.
GEORGE,All right. That's enough for today. You're tired. Get some sleep. I'll see you first thing in the morning.,JERRY,"Aw, we can't do it, who are we kidding? It's impossible! It's true! You can't do the Switch! Nobody can do the Switch! It was a stupid idea to begin with! Let's face it. I'm stuck with the non-laugher and that's that!"
GEORGE,We'll come up with something.,JERRY,"Yeah, sure we will."
GEORGE,"All right. Let's go over it again, one more time.",JERRY,All right. So I tell Sandy that I want to have a mnage  trois with her and her roommate.
GEORGE,That's right.,JERRY,"And you believe this course of action will have a two-pronged effect. Firstly, the very mention of the idea will cause Sandy to recoil in disgust, whereupon she will insist that I remove myself from the premises."
GEORGE,Keep going.,JERRY,"At this point, it is inevitable that she will seek out the roommate to apprise her of this abhorrent turn of events."
GEORGE,Continue.,JERRY,The roommate will then offer her friend the requisite sympathy even as part of her cannot help but feel somewhat flattered by her inclusion in the unusual request.
GEORGE,"A few days go by and a call is placed at a time when Sandy is known to be busy at work. Once the initial awkwardness is relieved with a little playful humor, which she [Laura] of course cannot resist, an invitation to a friendly dinner is proffered.",JERRY,"Huh. Well, it all sounds pretty good. There's only one flaw in it They're roommates. She'd have to go out with me behind Sandy's back. She's not gonna do that."
GEORGE,"You disappoint me, my friend. Sandy wants nothing to do with you. She tells Laura, ""If you want to waste your time with that pervert, that's your problem.""",JERRY,It's a perfect plan. So inspired. So devious. Yet so simple.
SANDY,What,JERRY,"You know, I don't know the exact pronunciation but I believe its Manage A Trois."
SANDY,"Oooo, that is a wild idea",JERRY,Uh?
BABS,Don't mind if I do.,JERRY,Hey
GEORGE,What happened to Babs. She never showed up last night. The whole thing blew up in my face.,JERRY,"Ah, that's a shame."
GEORGE,"Hey, what happened with Sandy. I forgot all about it. Did you call her?",JERRY,"Yeah, I did. In fact I went over there."
GEORGE,So what happened? She throw you out? Eh?,JERRY,"No actually, she took it pretty well."
GEORGE,So what happened?,JERRY,She's into it.
GEORGE,Into what?,JERRY,The manage. And not only that. She just called me and said she talked to the roommate and the roomate's into the manage too.
GEORGE,That's unbelievable.,JERRY,"Oh, it's a scene man."
GEORGE,Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank god that you know me and have access to my dementia?,JERRY,What are you talking about? I'm not goin' to do it.
GEORGE,"You're not goin to do it? What do you mean, You're not goin to do it?",JERRY,I can't. I'm not an orgy guy.
GEORGE,Are you crazy? This is like discovering Plutonium ... by accident.,JERRY,"Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different. I'd have to grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirso lighting. I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends. ... Naw, I'm not ready for it."
GEORGE,If only something like that could happen to me.,JERRY,"Oh, shut up you couldn't do it either."
GEORGE,I know.,JERRY,"Hey, what happened? Did you get your racquet?"
ELAINE,"No, I got caught.",JERRY,What do you mean you got caught?
ELAINE,Her assistant caught me. And now I'm probably not going to get a job. He's going to tell Landis that I was sneakin around her office.,JERRY,I still don't understand how you can get in trouble for taking your own racquet.
KRAMER,Hey.,JERRY,Hi Cosmo.
KRAMER,Thanks man.,JERRY,"Hey, doesn't Newman have a Bruline racquet?"
KRAMER,"Uh, Yeah, yeah, but he's on vacation. Went to Baltimore.",JERRY,"Hum, but you've got the key to his place right?"
KRAMER,Yeah,JERRY,Well Elaine needs to borrow his racquet. Just for today.
NEWMAN,"We din, we didn't ... ... Cosmo?",JERRY,You sure you don't want the tickets?
GEORGE,No thanks.,JERRY,I can't believe I'm having trouble getting rid of Super Bowl tickets.
GEORGE,"I'm telling you, skip the Drake's wedding, go to the game.",JERRY,"I can't, the Drake put me in the wedding party."
GEORGE,Well who schedules his wedding on Super Bowl Sunday?,JERRY,Maybe he didn't know?
GEORGE,Lemme see. I can't believe you got these for free. (Looking at the tickets) Row F?!,JERRY,"Row F, in front of the Gs, hobnobbing with the Ds and Es."
GEORGE,"Howbout Kramer or Elaine, they don't want them?",JERRY,"I asked. Elaine laughed at me, Kramer's only interested in Canadian football."
GEORGE,Wish I could help you.,JERRY,"Come on, take them. You could take Bonnie."
GEORGE,You paying my hotel and airfare to Miami?,JERRY,What do you think?
GEORGE,"So in order to use these, I gotta spend like fifteen-hundred bucks. This is a bill for fifteen-hundred dollars. Plus, she'd ask about the sleeping arrangements, that whole sleeping arrangement conversation is depressing.",JERRY,"Yeah, sleeping arrangements. So, you haven't, uh..."
GEORGE,"Oh, no no no, I haven't even seen her apartment yet. Tomorrow night's the first night.",JERRY,Aah.
GEORGE,"Hey, is that Tim Whatley?",JERRY,The Dentist?
GEORGE,"Yeah, is he still mad at you for crashing his Thanksgiving party?",JERRY,"Oh, no. I explained the whole thing to him, he was fine with it."
GEORGE,Oh good.,JERRY,"Yeah, I blamed it on you. Hi Tim."
TIM,Hey Jerry! George. What are you up to?,JERRY,"Ah, just a couple of gals out on the town, shopping and gabbing."
GEORGE,I'm getting a makeover.,JERRY,Hey. How would you like to go to the Super Bowl?
TIM,"What, are you kidding?",JERRY,Here. Two tickets. Have a good time.
TIM,"How can I think you? I'll tell you what, I'll take you to dinner sometime. You ever been to Mendys?",JERRY,No no no. No dinner.
KRAMER,Where can I put this?,JERRY,What is it?
KRAMER,"It's Risk, Jerry. The game of world conquest. (brushing newspapers off the table with his foot and setting the game board down) Alright, that's perfect.",JERRY,"Kramer, why do you have to (noticing Newman) Hello, Newman."
NEWMAN,"Hello, Jerry. Will he take it? I gotta go to work.",JERRY,Take what?
KRAMER,"The board, Jerry. We've been playing at Newman's for six hours but he's gotta go.",JERRY,So why don't you leave it at Newman's?
KRAMER,We have to put the board in a neutral place where no one will tamper with it.,JERRY,So that's here?
KRAMER,"Yes, yes. You're like Switzerland.",JERRY,I don't wanna be Switzerland.
KRAMER,"Oh, I'm looking right at you, big daddy.",JERRY,"Alright, soldier boys, let's fall out."
KRAMER,"Alright, so you're gonna look after it?",JERRY,"Yeah, yeah."
KRAMER,Stay strong buddy.,JERRY,Yeah.
KRAMER,Watch it good.,JERRY,Ok.
ELAINE,Hey.,JERRY,Hey.
ELAINE,"Hey. Oh, is that a label maker?",JERRY,"Yes it is. I got it as a gift, it's a Label Baby Junior."
ELAINE,"Love the Label Baby, baby. You know those things make great gifts, I just got one of those for Tim Whatley for Christmas.",JERRY,Tim Whatley?
ELAINE,Yeah. Who sent you that one?,JERRY,One Tim Whatley!
ELAINE,"Not, my Tim Whatley?",JERRY,"The same, he sent it as a thank you for my Super Bowl tickets."
ELAINE,I think this is the same one I gave him. He recycled this gift. He's a regifter!,JERRY,"Or maybe he liked your gift so much, he decided to get me the same thing. Perhaps it's an homage."
ELAINE,"Yeah, perhaps.",JERRY,Well how did he react when you gave it to him?
ELAINE,"Um, he said, ""Oh. A label maker. Howbout that?""",JERRY,He repeated the name of the gift?
ELAINE,"Yeah, so?",JERRY,"Oh, well, if you repeat the name of the gift, you can't possibly like it."
ELAINE,What do you mean?,JERRY,"Oh, you know, like when someone opens something up and they go, ""Oh. Tube socks."" What are you gonna do about it?"
ELAINE,"I don't know, I guess I'll just get invited up to his apartment and see if he's got a label maker.",JERRY,Why'd you get him a gift anyway?
ELAINE,"Oh, he did some dental work for me and he didn't charge me so I thought I'd get him a Christmas present.",JERRY,"Yeah, well, if you're getting him anything for his birthday, I'm alarge."
GEORGE,I'm sure I will.,JERRY,"Male roommate, huh?"
GEORGE,Yes. A male roommate.,JERRY,Is this a problem?
GEORGE,"It's a huge problem, Jerry. The hardest part about having sex with a woman is getting her to come back to your place! He's already got that.",JERRY,"Well, maybe he's --"
GEORGE,"No. Believe me, he's not.",JERRY,So he's an eligible receiver.
GEORGE,"She's confiding in him about our dates. You always like the person you talk to about the date more than the date! It's just a matter of time till they realize, 'Hey, we could have sex.'",JERRY,What's stopping them?
GEORGE,Exactly! You know how they get animals to reproduce in captivity? They just put them in the same cage.,JERRY,What does he look like?
GEORGE,"Oh, that's the worst part of it. He looks just like me.",JERRY,He looks like you and he's working from the inside?
GEORGE,I look like me and I'm working from the outside. Who do you think is in the better position?,JERRY,Not you.
GEORGE,Ho ho. This bizarre ?harrod? experiment must end!,JERRY,We'll take a check please.
GEORGE,"I gotta find a way to work this out, I love that apartment. It's so cozy, I'm ensconced in velvet. You know, if it were socially acceptable--",JERRY,"I know, you would drape yourself in velvet."
GEORGE,I've said that before?,JERRY,"Many times. You love velvet, you want to live in velvet, everything with the velvet."
KRAMER,Guess what? I saw Newman talking to the super.,JERRY,So what?
KRAMER,The super has keys to your apartment. Don't you see what's going on? Newman is planning a sneak attack.,JERRY,"Oh, maybe he's got no hot water."
KRAMER,"Yeah, alright, fine. You sit there and you watch while Newman takes over the world. But he'd be a horrible leader. And you know who's gonna suffer? The little people; you and George.",JERRY,Are you through?
KRAMER,"Oh. I talked to Arthur Jobanian. Yeah, the Drake's wedding? That's off.",JERRY,The wedding is off? What happened?
GEORGE,The wedding is off. Now you can go to the Super Bowl.,JERRY,I can't call Tim Whatley and ask for the tickets back.
GEORGE,"You just gave them to him two days ago, he's gotta give you a grace period.",JERRY,Are you even vaguely familiar with the concept of giving? There's no grace period.
GEORGE,"Well, didn't he regift the label maker?",JERRY,Possibly.
GEORGE,"Well, if he can regift, why can't you degift?",JERRY,You may have a point.
GEORGE,"I have a point, I have a point.",JERRY,"Alright, I'll call him."
GEORGE,Yeah. What's that?,JERRY,"Oh, it's Risk, it's a game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives. (Picks up phone and dials) Hello Tim? Yeah, hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld, remember those tickets I gave you? Well it turns out I can use them. Oh, you do? I understand. Okay. Bye. He already made plans, he can't change them."
GEORGE,"(eating a pickle) Well they're his tickets, he can do what he wants with them.",JERRY,Thanks.
GEORGE,"Alright, I gotta go. I'm heading over to Bonnie's.",JERRY,What are you gonna do about the roommate?
GEORGE,I gotta try and find a way to switch places with him. It's like a Sigfried and Roy trick.,JERRY,"Well, the pickle breath is a good start."
NEWMAN,"Hello Jerry, may I come in?",JERRY,What do you want?
NEWMAN,"(squeezing himself through the narrow space) Nothing, just being neighborly. Do you wanna hang out? Shoot the breeze?",JERRY,"I'm not letting you cheat, Newman. You're not getting anywhere near that board."
NEWMAN,Jerry? I'm a little insulted.,JERRY,"You're not a little anything, Newman. So just pack it up and move it out of here."
NEWMAN,"(leaving) Oh, by the way, what are you doing for the Super Bowl?",JERRY,"I dunno, watch it on TV I guess. Why?"
NEWMAN,"Well if you watch closely enough, you just might see me. I'll be the one waving to the camera from my seat on the forty yard line.",JERRY,You're going to the Super Bowl?
NEWMAN,"Yes I am, a guy on my mail route just got a couple of tickets and he offered one to me.",JERRY,What's his name?
NEWMAN,Tim Whatley.,JERRY,That's my ticket!
NEWMAN,"Is it?! Ohhh, well if only you'd known, you could have saved some time and given it directly to me! Ha ha ha.",JERRY,(as Newman leaves) Newman!
ELAINE,We'll see.,JERRY,Newman. He's going with Newman.
GEORGE,How does Tim Whatley even know Newman?,JERRY,Newman's his mailman.
GEORGE,Who goes to the Super Bowl with their mailman?!,JERRY,Who goes *anywhere* with Newman?!
GEORGE,"Well, he's merry.",JERRY,"He is merry, I'll give him that. (notices a cactus on the table) What's this plant for?"
GEORGE,I had a little tiff with Bonnie about the roommate.,JERRY,"Oh, well the cactus will smooth things over."
ELAINE,"Hey, guess what? I'm going to the Super Bowl with Tim Whatley.",JERRY,What?
ELAINE,We went out for coffee last night and he offered me a ticket.,JERRY,What about the label maker?
ELAINE,"Ah, well.",JERRY,"Wait a minute, that's my ticket! You didn't even want to go."
ELAINE,"It was totally out of the blue. We went upstairs to his apartment, you know, to look for the label maker.",JERRY,"So, how did you get up there? Did you say you had to use the bathroom?"
ELAINE,No.,JERRY,Then how'd you get up there?
ELAINE,What?,JERRY,That's why you're going to the Super Bowl.
ELAINE,Why?,JERRY,"You go out with a guy one time, you ask him to go upstairs like you're Mae West? Of course he's gonna try and get you alone for the weekend."
ELAINE,"You mean just because I asked him to go upstairs, he thinks he's going downtown?",JERRY,Obviously.
ELAINE,"As soon as we walked in, he got a call from one of his patients with an impacted molar or something so he had to leave. I didn't even get a chance to look for the label maker.",JERRY,"Yeah, well I don't trust this guy. I think he regifted, he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super Bowl sex romp."
KRAMER,I'm watching your door.,JERRY,My door?
KRAMER,"Yeah, from my peephole. Fisheye, sees all.",JERRY,(still outside) What was that?
NEWMAN,(fleeing to the bedroom) Damn!,JERRY,(after entering) The bedroom!
GEORGE,Oh. Oh!,JERRY,So she kicked him out of the apartment.
GEORGE,That's right. It's just me and her.,JERRY,"Wow, she rearranged her whole life for you."
GEORGE,"I guess she did. He's gone, now I'm the man.",JERRY,That's not a good role for you.
GEORGE,"No, it's not.",JERRY,You unwittingly made a major commitment. That's a lot of pressure.
GEORGE,Oh my god.,JERRY,"You wanted to be ensconced in velvet, you're buried."
GEORGE,"I had the perfect situation here, he was shouldering half the load.",JERRY,He was shouldering.
GEORGE,(walking towards the door) I couldn't leave well enough alone?!,JERRY,Where are you going?
GEORGE,I gotta go help her tape up all his boxes and get them ready for shipping.,JERRY,"Oh, well here. Take Whatley's label maker, I don't want to see it again."
KRAMER,(rolling the dice) Yeah. I am taking over South America and there ain't nothing you can do about it.,JERRY,"So, too bad about that Super Bowl ticket, eh Newman?"
NEWMAN,"Yeah. I just hope Tim Whatley's electric bills don't suddenly get lost in the mail, or it could be lights out for him.",JERRY,"(walking out) Thanks for having me over, guys."
TIM,Hey Jerry?,JERRY,"Ah, Tim Whatley. Out scalping?"
TIM,"Ah, see, now I've been thinking a lot about what happened and I feel horrible. Listen, I want to give you a ticket back.",JERRY,"Are you serious, what about Elaine?"
TIM,"Oh, Elaine. Yeah, well, things just didn't work out like I thought they would.",JERRY,"Oh. (notices a car being jacked up by a tow truck) Hey, isn't this Kramer's car? (yelling up) Hey, Cosmo!! They're towing your car!!"
TIM,"So, I guess I'll see you at the game.",JERRY,"Yeah, see you there."
TIM,"Oh, Elaine!",JERRY,"H... G... F. Seat four. One, two, three... f-- Hello Newman."
NEWMAN,"Hello, Jerry. Tim couldn't make it, he's in love. Isn't that wonderful?",JERRY,"Oh, it's enchanting."
NEWMAN,"Great streak of luck I'm having. First, Kramer almost beat me at Risk but I narrowly escaped, and then Tim Whatley gives me his Super Bowl ticket.",JERRY,Can you move over at all?!
NEWMAN,"And then, just as I'm about to go, these boxes show up at the post office with no labels. No labels, Jerry. You know what that means? Freebies!! I got this great mini-TV and a VCR, oh it's unbelievable.",JERRY,An inch! Can you move over an inch?!?
COP,(at car) Hey! Hey! Hey!,JERRY,So you called the cop a pig?
KRAMER,I was yelling at the litterbug. I mean this is my town. You don't throw trash on the streets of my town.,JERRY,Didn't you explain that to the cop?
KRAMER,"No, I fled the scene.",JERRY,(to George) Hey.
GEORGE,"Right, I got news. You ready? (deep breath) Gary Fogel had cancer.",JERRY,"Oh yeah, I knew."
GEORGE,You knew? How did you know?,JERRY,He told me a few months ago.
GEORGE,Why did he tell you and not me?,JERRY,I don't know.
GEORGE,"So, is he okay?",JERRY,"Oh yeah, he's fine, fine. He was in bad shape for a while though."
GEORGE,"Huh, really? How bad? Was he on his death bed?",JERRY,"No, he was on his regular bed."
GEORGE,So why didn't you tell me?,JERRY,He swore me to secrecy.
GEORGE,So?,JERRY,It's not like you're my wife.
GEORGE,"Well, I still think you shoulda told me.",JERRY,"Hey, believe me, you were better off not knowing. It's not easy to deal with someone in a situation like this. I was so nice to him I almost made myself sick."
GEORGE,"Well, I wanna talk to him about this.",JERRY,"That's right, you let him have it."
GEORGE,Mmm-mm.,JERRY,Who is he not to tell you about his life-threatening illness?
GEORGE,That's what I'm saying.,JERRY,His illness is your business.
GEORGE,"If not mine, whose?",JERRY,"If not now, when?"
GEORGE,"(to Jerry, yelling) You told her? She's not your wife!",JERRY,"If I told you, you woulda given it away."
GEORGE,You don't think I can keep a secret?,JERRY,"No, but he would've read your face."
GEORGE,You don't trust my poker face?,JERRY,Do you ever win at poker?
ELAINE,"You know, we had a really bad break-up.",JERRY,The Jujy Fruits?
ELAINE,I can't believe you did that! Why did you tell him I said hi? I never said hi! (to Jerry) When did I say hi?,JERRY,I never heard her say hi.
ELAINE,"No, no. (stamps foot) Kramer, you don't understand. He made the last contact between us. I had the upper hand in the post-breakup relationship. If he thinks that I said hi, then I lose the upper hand.",JERRY,It's like a game of tag.
ELAINE,Nowhere.,JERRY,"You're going to the book store to see Jake Jarmel, aren't you?"
KRAMER,"(to the exiting Elaine) Yeah, well, listen. If you're going there, (following her out the door) maybe you can get him to tell you where he got those glasses. (shouting after her) Elaine!",JERRY,Hey. How'd it go with Gary?
GEORGE,"(shifty, avoiding Jerry's eyes) Fine, fine. (he removes his coat)",JERRY,(suspicious) Really?
GEORGE,(shifty) Yeah.,JERRY,You look like something's on your mind.
GEORGE,No. Nothing. Fine. (he sits at the table),JERRY,"So, that's your poker face."
GEORGE,My regular face.,JERRY,No it isn't. I've seen your regular face. That is not it.
GEORGE,What are you saying?,JERRY,"All right George, c'mon, what d'you got? (sits opposite George)"
GEORGE,I got nothing.,JERRY,"What you got, a pair of bullets?"
GEORGE,What you talking about?,JERRY,Two pair? Three of a kind?
GEORGE,Will you stop it?,JERRY,"Oh my God, you got a flush! You're holding a flush!"
GEORGE,I don't have a flush.,JERRY,"A full house? You got a full house? Turn 'em over George, I wanna see 'em. Come on, I'm calling! (thumps hand on table) What d'you got!"
GEORGE,"The doctors thought he had cancer, but the surgery revealed he never actually had it.",JERRY,So what was wrong with him?
GEORGE,Nothing!,JERRY,So he's been lying to me for two months?!
GEORGE,That's right.,JERRY,"What kind of person is this? There's only one other person who might be able to do something like this, and that's you."
GEORGE,Well...,JERRY,I don't even think you could do it.
GEORGE,"Oh, I could do it.",JERRY,"Yeah, I guess you could."
GEORGE,(snorts) C'mon.,JERRY,"Did you know he was so worried about losing more hair if he had to get chemo treatment, I bought him an unlimited gift certificate at the Hair Team For Men, just to put his mind at ease?"
GEORGE,You did that?,JERRY,"Yeah. Oh, I can't wait to talk to this guy. (moves to pick up phone)"
GEORGE,"Wait a minute, wait a minute. You can't say anything. (rushes to take phone from Jerry)",JERRY,Why not?
GEORGE,"(puts down handset) Because he'll know I told you. Besides, he's giving me a parking spot around the corner for practically nothing.",JERRY,"So you're telling me, because you're getting free parking, I gotta pretend this guy had cancer when he didn't?"
GEORGE,Yeah.,JERRY,"Well I don't like it. I don't like it one bit! And, I'm supposed to see him tomorrow."
GEORGE,"Yeah, well you have to maintain the same disposition too. You can't start acting any differently. You have to be nice.",JERRY,Why didn't he tell me?
GEORGE,Because you were being so nice.,JERRY,I don't think I can be that nice.
GEORGE,(shouts) You be nice!,JERRY,Gary?
GARY,"What d'you think? Check it out. (he tries a number of expressions, turning his head side to side, to show off the hairpiece)",JERRY,Is that from my gift certificate?
GARY,Yeah buddy. You really came through for me man. You've been so nice. (shakes Jerry by the hand),JERRY,"(through gritted teeth) Yeah, well, I'm glad you could take advantage."
GARY,"Hey, you know what I'm thinking of doing? I'm getting rid of all my fillings, 'cos that mercury's toxic. Hey, let me see your fillings.",JERRY,I don't think so.
GARY,"(peering in) Well, what d'you know. Hey, lookee there, you're loaded.",JERRY,Okay. (shuts mouth)
KRAMER,(to Jerry) Hey buddy.,JERRY,Hey. Look at you. Wha... what's this?
KRAMER,It's an eyepatch.,JERRY,You look like a pirate.
KRAMER,I wanna be a pirate.,JERRY,(gesturing) This is Gary.
KRAMER,"Well, I tell you there's only one problem.",JERRY,Can't see on your right side?
GEORGE,"Oh, the guy's got some perspective there.",JERRY,"Hey, do you know what the Whip does?"
KRAMER,What whip?,JERRY,"The Whip. In the Senate, in the House."
GEORGE,Can you believe he sold his glasses on the street?,JERRY,Can you believe someone would lie about chemotherapy to get a wig? Would you do that?
GEORGE,No. Definitely not.,JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,I'm pretty sure I wouldn't.,JERRY,And you know what else? He picked up that woman in the coffee shop.
GEORGE,The one who always sits by herself?,JERRY,Yeah!
GEORGE,How did he do that?,JERRY,Because he was brimming with confidence from the toupee.
GEORGE,Really? And Debby told me that she fell in love with him because he has all this perspective!,JERRY,"She thinks a guy who lies about a life-threatening illness, so he can get some phony hair has perspective?"
GEORGE,(opening door to leave) He picked her up?,JERRY,Walked right over to her table.
GEORGE,I'll try some on and see how they look. It's just hair.,JERRY,"You ever see what that thing looks like in the back? You got your natural little curls on the bottom, and then that big phony mat coming down on top of 'em."
GEORGE,"Well, some of 'em look good. The ones that look good you don't even know about.",JERRY,What if you get involved with a woman? How're you gonna tell her?
GEORGE,"The way they make 'em these days, I'll never have to tell her.",JERRY,"So you keep it a secret your whole life, then at your funeral the mortician comes out (as mortician) 'Here, Mrs Costanza, I thought you might want this'. (as Mrs Costanza, horrified) Aahh!"
GEORGE,"(to Jerry) Well, what d'you think?",JERRY,"(unimpressed) I, really can't say."
GEORGE,"No, say. I want you to say.",JERRY,"It's not good, okay. It's not good. You look (searches for word) stupid. (to salesman) I'm sorry."
GEORGE,(examining reflection) I really think this looks pretty good.,JERRY,"Why don't you get a pair of white shoes, move down to Miami Beach and get the whole thing over with?"
SALESMAN,"As I said, it'll be different once we design something specifically for you. But I don't think your friend here is being very helpful.",JERRY,"Oh, hey, I'm being helpful. I am the only one being helpful!"
SALESMAN,"(getting annoyed) No, I don't think you're being helpful! I think you're being disruptive, and you make it very difficult for your friend here to improve his life!",JERRY,"Hey! I'm trying to prevent my friend from becoming one of those guys people snicker at behind their back, because they look ridiculous! No offence to you personally!"
SALESMAN,(angry) All you people with hair think you're so damn superior! You have no idea what it's like. You ever look down in the bottom of your tub and see a fist fulla hair? How'd you like to start your day with that?! (looks ready to punch Jerry),JERRY,All right! Take it easy! Take it easy.
GEORGE,(leaps to feet) Jerry!,JERRY,I'm sorry.
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,What?
GARY,This judge has to use it for some scofflaw. And you know you can't fight City Hall.,JERRY,"You know, Gary (slams shut the door) I had a little chat with George the other day..."
GEORGE,(admiring himself in mirror) I did.,JERRY,(advancing on Gary) ...and he told me that that... (becomes indistinct)
GARY,(indistinct) I'm not a hundred percent recovered yet!,JERRY,Gimme that thing!
ELAINE,(mouths) 'Scuse me. Have to go (audible) look for some socks.,JERRY,Look at you. Why don't you use a fork? You're no good with the sticks.
ELAINE,I know. I need a lesson.,JERRY,You stink. You know you stink. What is this?
ELAINE,Oh. My ballet tickets.,JERRY,Oh. Your ballet tickets.
ELAINE,"Hey, have you ever been to the ballet?",JERRY,"No, but I've seen people on tiptoes."
ELAINE,"You know, I'm going as a beard.",JERRY,A beard?
ELAINE,"Yeah. This friend of a friend knows this banker guy, he's, I don't know, 30 years, unbelievably gorgeous, of course he's gay.",JERRY,Yes.
ELAINE,"So anyway his boss has a box at the Met and he invited us to see Swan Lake, which is fine, but he's afraid that his boss can't handle his orientation, so I'm going along as his date.",JERRY,Why are you doing this?
ELAINE,"Hey, is George still wearing that toupee?",JERRY,Yeah.
KRAMER,"You know I just thought of something. I know this gorgeous woman, she called me up this morning, she's moving into the city, and she asked me if I know of anyone she could meet. Now you can go out with her.",JERRY,Well what about me?
KRAMER,"Yeah, yeah. I think he will.",JERRY,It sounds like an excellent idea.
GEORGE,Pouty? I like that.,JERRY,You can't go wrong with pouty.
GEORGE,"Oh yeah, you were right. She's gorgeous.",JERRY,"Hey, Lou, who's that woman over there?"
GEORGE,Well this worked out okay. So are you going to see the police woman?,JERRY,"Yeah, I think I will. I like the idea of having the law on my side."
ELAINE,Oh it was such a great night.,JERRY,And did they suspect anything?
ELAINE,"No, I was a fantastic beard. I held hands, I called him honey.",JERRY,And we discover yet another talent. Posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals.
ELAINE,Oh it was such a great night. Oh.,JERRY,You said that already.
ELAINE,Oh I did?,JERRY,Yeah.
ELAINE,Oh.,JERRY,Oh no. Don't tell me. You like him?
ELAINE,He's incredible.,JERRY,"Yeah, but?"
ELAINE,"Yeah, I know.",JERRY,So?
ELAINE,What?,JERRY,Not conversion. You're thinking conversion?
ELAINE,Well it did occur to me.,JERRY,You think you can get him to just change teams? He's not going to suddenly switch sides. Forget about it.
ELAINE,Why? Is it irrevocable?,JERRY,Because when you join that team it's not a whim. He likes his team. He's set with that team.
ELAINE,We've got a good team.,JERRY,"Yeah, we do. We do have a good team."
ELAINE,Why can't he play for us?,JERRY,They're only comfortable with *their* equipment.
ELAINE,We just got along *so* great.,JERRY,Of course you did. Everyone gets along great when there's no possibility of sex.
ELAINE,"No, no, no, I sensed something. I did sense something. I perceived a possibility Jerry.",JERRY,You realize you're venturing into uncharted waters.
ELAINE,I realize that.,JERRY,Are you that desperate?
ELAINE,Yes I am.,JERRY,"So are you going to bring your gun?... All right, then it's settled. First date, no weapons... All right I'll see you then... Okay, bye."
KRAMER,Tupperware.,JERRY,Sorry. I don't have any tupperware.
KRAMER,"I knew this was going to happen. I just made a delicious casserole, but now it won't keep because I have no Tupperware.",JERRY,What about a plastic bag?
KRAMER,You must be kidding.,JERRY,What is the difference?
KRAMER,Who's to say it didn't?,JERRY,So did you describe yourself to her over the phone?
GEORGE,Yes I did.,JERRY,What did you say to her?
GEORGE,What do you think I said?,JERRY,I don't know.
GEORGE,I told her the truth.,JERRY,As you see it?
GEORGE,"Yes, as I see it.",JERRY,"Did you tell her about, uh, your little hat there?"
GEORGE,What hat?,JERRY,"You know, you're little hair hat there."
GEORGE,No.,JERRY,Don't you think she could tell?
KRAMER,"No, no, no she can't tell. It's a perfect match. Beautiful job.",JERRY,Are you kidding? I could spot that bird's nest two blocks away.
GEORGE,You only think that because you know me.,JERRY,Have you noticed people staring at your head?
GEORGE,I noticed people staring at my head because they like what they see.,JERRY,Well I think you should either take it off or tell her about it.
KRAMER,"Yeah that's it. All right, I'm going to go down to the precinct. I'm going to have lunch with Lou.",JERRY,"Oh, I'll split a cab with you."
HOMELESS MAN,Hey that's my coffee!,JERRY,Hi Sarge.
GEORGE,Well why don't you take off your hat and stay awhile.,JERRY,What's that?
TIERNEY,A polygraph. It's what you civilians call a lie detector test.,JERRY,"Oh. Let me ask you, when someone is lying, is it true that their pants are actually on fire?"
TIERNEY,If I could tell you the famous faces that have been up here. A certain cast member of Melrose Place.,JERRY,Really.
TIERNEY,Have you ever seen the show?,JERRY,No.
TIERNEY,You can admit it Jerry. It's okay.,JERRY,I admit it. I don't watch it.
TIERNEY,"Hey Lou, maybe we should put him on the poly.",JERRY,The poly?
ELAINE,Melrose Place?,JERRY,Yes. Melrose Place.
ELAINE,I just didn't know you watched that.,JERRY,Well I do.
ELAINE,I mean every time I mention it you never say anything or join in the conversation.,JERRY,Well maybe I was a little embarrassed.
ELAINE,You mean this whole time we could have been discussing Sydney and Michael and Jane...,JERRY,"And Billy and Jake and Allison, yes we could have discussed it."
ELAINE,Why? Why were you so embarrassed?,JERRY,The point is I'm going to be taking this lie detector test and that needle's going to be going wild.
ELAINE,That is *so* stupid. Why don't you just confess?,JERRY,It's too stupid to confess. Look at what I'm confessing to.
ELAINE,So what are you going to do?,JERRY,I don't know. Maybe I can beat the machine.
ELAINE,"Oh, who do you think you are? Castanza?",JERRY,"Hey you know what? I have access to one of the most deceitful, duplicitous, deceptive minds of our time. Who better to advise me?"
ELAINE,Oh god this tastes terrible.,JERRY,Did you shake it up?
ELAINE,No.,JERRY,You gotta shake it up.
ELAINE,No. I'm sick of shaking. You've got to shake everything.,JERRY,"Yeah, that's a real nuisance. This is killing me."
ELAINE,"So, I'm going out tonight with Robert and the boss and his wife.",JERRY,So tonight are you going to make the move?
ELAINE,"Yeah, I think I might.",JERRY,Hey there he is. So what happened? Could she detect it?
GEORGE,That's an interesting question.,JERRY,How so?
GEORGE,What do you think I mean bald? Bald. Bald bald.,JERRY,She's bald?
GEORGE,"Let me tell you something. No one walks into a beauty parlor and says ""Give me the Larry Fine.""",JERRY,Women go bald?
ELAINE,"Yeah, I've heard of that. I mean they usually wear a wig.",JERRY,Hey.
GEORGE,"I tell you, when she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again. Totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic, it's a pleasure.",JERRY,Good to have you back.
GEORGE,And you know what else I've decided to do? I'm going to keep seeing the bald woman.,JERRY,She's as good as anybody else.
GEORGE,Her scalp was clean. She had a nice skull. There just wasn't a lot of hair on it.,JERRY,Yeah you've had like a religious awakening. You're like a bald-again.
GEORGE,Going to need a little more coffee here.,JERRY,"So George, how do I beat this lie detector?"
GEORGE,"I'm sorry, Jerry I can't help you.",JERRY,"Come on, you've got the gift. You're the only one that can help me."
GEORGE,"Jerry, I can't. It's like saying to Pavorotti, ""Teach me to sing like you.""",JERRY,"All right, well I've got to go take this test. I can't believe I'm doing this."
ELAINE,"Hey, I did it.",JERRY,What?
ELAINE,I turned him. He defected.,JERRY,Get out! (pushes Elaine) How? How did you do that?
ELAINE,Because I'm a *woman*. (swiveling her hips) Ba-ba-ba-boom-chicka-boom-chicka-boom-boom- boom.,JERRY,"Elaine, do you know what you've done? You've give hope to every woman who's ever said ""Too bad he's gay""."
LOU,What's your name?,JERRY,Jerry Seinfeld.
LOU,What is your address?,JERRY,129 West 81st street.
LOU,Did Kimberly steal Jo's baby?,JERRY,I don't know.
LOU,Did Billy sleep with Allison's best friend?,JERRY,I don't know.
LOU,"Did Jane's finance kidnap Sydney and take her to Las Vegas? And if so, did she enjoy it?",JERRY,I don't know.
LOU,Did Jane sleep with Michael again?,JERRY,"(He hesitates) Yes! That stupid idiot. He left her for Kimberly, he slept with her sister. He tricked her into giving him half her business, and then she goes ahead and sleeps with him again. I mean she's crazy. How could she do something like that? Oh that Jane, she makes me so mad."
ELAINE,He went back.,JERRY,"I don't understand it. You were having such a great time, the sex, the shopping."
ELAINE,"Well here's the thing. Being a woman, I only really have access to the, uh... equipment, what, thirty, forty-five minutes a week. And that's on a good week. How can I be expected to have the same expertise as people who *own* this equipment, and have access to it twenty-four hours a day, their entire lives.",JERRY,You can't. That's why they lose very few players.
ELAINE,"Yeah, I guess I never really stood a chance.",JERRY,"Well there's always a place for you, on our team."
ELAINE,Yeah. (teary-eyed) Thanks. Is Melrose Place on?,JERRY,Yeah. It's coming on in a few minutes.
ELAINE,Okay.,JERRY,Hey. Don't worry it hasn't started.
ELAINE,"I didn't ruin anything. He looked like an idiot. He did, and it made him act like a jerk.",JERRY,"All right, shut up, shut up, Melrose Place is coming on."
GEORGE,Say it's Saturday night in Spain. They go out dancing. You think they do the flamenco?,JERRY,I would think.
GEORGE,"So you could call a woman for a date, ask her if she's free for Dinner and a flamenco?",JERRY,(scoffs) You don't flamenco on the first date.
GEORGE,"Boy, I wish the flamenco was popular here.",JERRY,Yeah? Would you do it?
GEORGE,"Yes, I think I would.",JERRY,"Well, I knew you'd have an affinity for it, because it's the dance of a very proud people."
GEORGE,What for?,JERRY,I have to open a bottle of ketchup for her.
GEORGE,"So, what, no lunch?",JERRY,"No, we have time."
GEORGE,Oh. How's she doing?,JERRY,"Ah, she's starting to slip a little. Sometimes she has Difficulty distinguishing between the past and the present."
GEORGE,"Ah. You know, there's gotta be an easier way to open ketchups. They should make it in a tube.",JERRY,Like toothpaste?
GEORGE,Ya-hah.,JERRY,There's a squeeze ketchup.
GEORGE,I've seen squeeze mustard. I've never seen squeeze ketchup.,JERRY,"Well, if they make squeeze mustard, doesn't it stand to reason that they make squeeze ketchup?"
GEORGE,Not necessarily. Mustard lends itself to the squeeze.,JERRY,I really don't see the difference.
GEORGE,"Oh, there's a difference. It's subtle.",JERRY,It's subtle.
GEORGE,"Hey uh, isn't Elaine supposed to meet us?",JERRY,"(looking ahead) Yeah, there she is. Uh-oh."
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,"Ah, she's with her friend Wendy."
GEORGE,"Wendy? Is that the uh, physical therapist?",JERRY,Yeah. I'm on a kiss hello program with her.
GEORGE,Really?,JERRY,"Yeah. Every time I see her, I gotta kiss her hello. I just did it once, on her birthday, somehow it mushroomed. Now I dread seeing her because of it."
GEORGE,"You know, I'm down to one kiss hello. My aunt Sylvia.",JERRY,"Ah, that's fortunate. I really admire that."
GEORGE,(surprise) Huh. I never heard you say you admire me for anything.,JERRY,"No, I told you I admire your hearing."
WENDY,Bye Jerry.,JERRY,Bye.
GEORGE,(wiping the area with a hand) People think they're so important...,JERRY,"(adamant) Well, I'm going on record right now that that was my last kiss hello. I am getting off the kiss program with her."
ELAINE,Why?,JERRY,"Well, you know, frankly, outside of a sexual relationship, I don't see the point to it. I'm not thrilled with all the handshaking either, but one step at a time."
GEORGE,(regarding the menu) What're you getting?,JERRY,"(to Elaine) And what's with that hairdo, by the way?"
ELAINE,"Huh, yeah, I know. It's not very flattering.",JERRY,She looks like something out of an old high school yearbook. You should say something to her.
ELAINE,"Oh, I could never say anything to her about that.",JERRY,Yeah. Kramer's the only person who could say something like that.
ELAINE,"No. If you tell him to do it, he'll never do it.",JERRY,"What you have to do is introduce him, and then he'll just come out with it."
KRAMER,"Hello, boys and girls.",JERRY,Speak of the devil.
KRAMER,"Yeah. Hey listen, I uh, I need a picture of you, buddy.",JERRY,What for?
KRAMER,"Well, I'm uh, I'm putting everybody's picture up in the lobby of our building.",JERRY,Why?
KRAMER,"So everyone will know everybody's name. See, people are gonna be a lot friendlier.",JERRY,"(reluctant) I, I don't want my picture plastered up in the lobby."
KRAMER,"Imagine walking by someone on the floor, and you say ""Hey, Carl!"" and he says ""Hey, Jerry!"" You see, that's the kind of society I wanna live in.",JERRY,"(still reluctant) Kramer, I don't wanna stop and talk with everyone, every time I go in the building. I just wanna nod and be on my way."
LEO,(traditional greeting) Jerry! Hello!,JERRY,"Hello, uncle Leo!"
LEO,What're you doing here?,JERRY,Nana called me to open the ketchup bottle.
NANA,Hello Jerry.,JERRY,Hi Nana.
LEO,Aren't you gonna kiss her hello?,JERRY,Yes. (kisses Nana) Yes of course.
LEO,(grabbing the bottle) I'll do it.,JERRY,"(also grabbing) What're you doing, I got it."
LEO,Give it to me.,JERRY,Will you stop it.
LEO,"Jerry, will you give me the bottle?",JERRY,Uncle Leo! (releasing his grip) Alright! Take it!
LEO,(laughing off Nana's confusion) Believe me. I don't owe your mother fifty dollars.,JERRY,I'm just not getting any hot water.
JULIO,"Hey, believe me, I know there's nothing worse than when your shower's not working. I'm gonna take care of it as soon as I can, Jerry.",JERRY,"Thanks, Julio."
JULIO,Awright.,JERRY,Huh?
KRAMER,"(surprised) Hey, hey hey hey. Hello!",JERRY,What's going on here?
KRAMER,"(evasive) Ohh, nothing, nothing.",JERRY,"(suspicious) Well, then what're you doing?"
KRAMER,"Oh, I, I need a pen.",JERRY,What for?
KRAMER,"Well, I'm making out my will. Oh, I got a big slice of dough for you, buddy. And you too, Elaine, I haven't forgotten you.",JERRY,"(accusingly) You're looking for a picture of me, aren't you?"
KRAMER,You got that straight.,JERRY,"I told you, forget it."
KRAMER,"Oh, come on, Jerry. If everybody knew everybody, we wouldn't have the problems we have in the world today. Well, you don't rob somebody, if you know their name!",JERRY,You're robbing me.
ELAINE,No reason. (big smile) Just wanna see you again.,JERRY,(removing his coat) So? Are you sure Wendy's coming?
ELAINE,"Yeah, she'll be here any second.",JERRY,"Well, this'll be a very interesting experiment to see if Kramer says something. You sure you wanna go through with this?"
ELAINE,"Listen, Jerry. She never dates, and I know it's because of her hair.",JERRY,"Hello. Oh, hi mom. Yeah, I was at Nana's yesterday. I had to help her open a ketchup bottle. Hey, mom, let me ask you a question. Do you remember when you were a kid, your father winning like a thousand dollars at the track? (listens) Really? Did you know he gave uncle Leo a hundred dollars, and he was supposed to give you fifty? (listens) How do I know? Because Nana doesn't know what year it is, and she thinks this just happened. (listens) Well, I think you should. Okay, bye."
MORTY,"(determined) Well, he's not getting away with this!",JERRY,Yeah?
WENDY (O.C.),Wendy.,JERRY,Come on up.
ELAINE,"Well, this is it. Shall I go get Kramer?",JERRY,"No no, he'll come in. Well, this is gonna be my first opportunity to not kiss her hello."
ELAINE,What is the big deal about putting your lips on somebody's face?,JERRY,"It's the obligation, you know? As soon as this person comes in, you know you have to do this. I mean, if you could, say, touch a breast as part of the kiss hello, then I think I could see the value in it a little better."
ELAINE,How 'bout an intercourse hello? How would that be?,JERRY,"Elaine, now you're being ridiculous."
ELAINE/WENDY,Hi/Hey.,JERRY,(muffled) Hi Wendy.
WENDY,"Oh, hi Jerry.",JERRY,(muffled) Would you like something to drink?
WENDY,Sure.,JERRY,(muffled) There you go.
WENDY,(taking the bottle) Ah.,JERRY,"Oh, look at that. I'm almost outta Klondike bars."
WENDY,"Oh, okay. Oh, your friend George came by the office the other day, and then yesterday he cancelled on me.",JERRY,"Oh, yeah, he had to take his mother to the chiropodist."
KRAMER,Hey! Jerry!,JERRY,"C'mon, that's not fair!"
KRAMER,I told you I was gonna get it.,JERRY,"No, c'mon Kramer. (crossing to Kramer) Gimme that picture."
KRAMER,(holding the picture away from Jerry) Aagh. No no no no no.,JERRY,"(throws up his hands) Alright, fine. Put my picture up. What do I care?"
KRAMER,Hey! (indicating photos) So what d'you think? You like it?,JERRY,"Oh my god! Look at that picture, it's terrible..."
MARY,"Hello, (finds the right photo) Jerry.",JERRY,"Oh. Hello, uh (looks for and finds the photo) Mary."
KRAMER,(keen) What was I telling you? Isn't this nice?,JERRY,(not really) Yeah.
MARY,"Jerry. You know, could you help me with a package?",JERRY,"Oh, sure, yeah."
MARY,Thank you.,JERRY,"Oh, no!"
ELAINE,"(laughs) Hee, hee, hee. Hee hee hee...",JERRY,What is so funny?
ELAINE,"Nothing, nothing. (laughs out loud)",JERRY,"Hello. Oh, hi mom. (listens) What? Oh my... He didn't?! He couldn't! (listens) Alright, I will. (listens) Okay, bye."
ELAINE,Why?,JERRY,(suspicious) I don't know. Maybe to keep her quiet.
JOAN,Hi Jerry. (she kisses Jerry) Mmmwah.,JERRY,(not as eager) Hi Joan.
JOAN,How you doing?,JERRY,Pretty good.
JOAN,Just pretty good? Not great?,JERRY,"Okay, great."
JOAN,Are you happy?,JERRY,"Oh, I'm delighted."
JOAN,Okay. Have a nice day.,JERRY,You too.
LOUISE,Hi Jerry.,JERRY,"Hi, Louise."
KRAMER,Hey.,JERRY,"Ah, well. Thank you very much!"
KRAMER,For what?,JERRY,"(agitated) For putting my picture up on that wall! I'm like Richard Dawson down there now. And every person I see engages me in this long, boring, tedious, conversation. I can't even get out of the building!"
KRAMER,"You should be thanking me for liberating you from your world of loneliness and isolation. Now, you're part of a family.",JERRY,Family?
KRAMER,Yeah.,JERRY,"You think I want another family? My father's demanding my uncle pay interest on fifty dollars he was supposed to give my mother in nineteen-forty-one, and my uncle put my nana in a home to try and shut her up! And I tell you another thing, Cosmo Kramer, whatever you wanna be called. The kissing thing is over. There's no more kissing, and I don't care what the consequences are."
ELAINE,"She'd driven me a hundred and twenty miles and, all of a sudden, three blocks from my door, she decides this trip is over. Isn't that strange?",JERRY,"Yes, it's very strange. Very strange."
ELAINE,"I've never heard of anything like this. I mean, it's almost as if I was hitch-hiking and she says ""Well, this is as far as I can take you.""",JERRY,"I tell you. If you were hitch-hiking, you'd never get into a car with someone with a hairdo like that."
ELAINE,"I had to carry my skis, and my boots and my poles. I think I pinched a nerve in my shoulder.",JERRY,You should have her work on it for you.
MAR,Hi Jerry.,JERRY,Hi Mary.
LOU,Hi Jerry.,JERRY,Hi Louise...
HELEN (V.O),Jerry?,JERRY,"Hi mom. So, what's happening with uncle Leo? Is he paying you?"
HELEN,"Uh, anyway, I want you to go check on Nana at the home.",JERRY,"Okay, I will."
KRAMER,What's up?,JERRY,"(locking his door) Oh, I gotta go visit my nana in the nursing home."
KRAMER,Oh.,JERRY,"Hey, Kramer, look at this."
KRAMER,"Oh, hey, Jack. How you doing?",JERRY,Hi Jack.
JULIO,"Oh, I see. When you need something done, you're very friendly to people, huh?",JERRY,"(defensive) No no, that's not true!"
NURSE,"Yeah, she's upstairs, playing cards.",JERRY,"You know, she really doesn't belong here. My uncle put her here, Because he's trying to prove he doesn't owe my mother fifty dollars."
NURSE,"Well, she seems very happy. She met an old friend who used to live next door to her.",JERRY,Buddy?
RECEPTIONIST,She's right.,JERRY,So you were with him that day at the track?
BUDDY,Oh yeah. He won a thousand dollars. His son was there too.,JERRY,Leo?
BUDDY,"Yeah, that's it. Leo. Ooh, what an obnoxious little kid. He used to steal my soda bottles. and cash 'em in for the deposits, uh?",JERRY,Is that so?
BUDDY,"And, after your grandfather hit the daily double, he gave him a hundred dollars, and told him to give fifty to his sister. His sister? Why I tell you he shoulda give it to me for all the bottles he took!",JERRY,"Well, that's very interesting."
LEO,(defensive) One second...,JERRY,(with a triumphant point) You're busted!
MARY,"Oh, that'd be great.",JERRY,"Oh, Paul, could you hold that door..."
KRAMER,Hi.,JERRY,Hey. Could I use your shower?
KRAMER,"What, again? You took one this morning.",JERRY,"(pleading) I got a date. C'mon, please."
KRAMER,"Ooh, I like that.",JERRY,(impressed) Who's that?
KRAMER,Stefanie. 2-G.,JERRY,Oh man. Looks like you got quite a few people here.
KRAMER,"Yeah yeah. Well uh, you know, I'd invite you in, but uhm... you know.",JERRY,"(rueful acceptance) Oh, yeah, I understand."
DOORMAN,"Whoah, whoah, whoah. (rises and turns to Jerry) May I help you?",JERRY,"(indicates with his thumb) Yeah, I'm just going up to see Elaine Benes."
DOORMAN,(unfriendly smile) Benes? (moves toward Jerry) No-one here by that name.,JERRY,"Oh, she's uh, she's house-sitting for Mr. Pitt."
DOORMAN,"Oh. House-sitting, mmm.",JERRY,Yeah.
DOORMAN,"What're you, the boyfriend? Here for a... quickie?",JERRY,Can I just go up?
DOORMAN,"Oh, I get it. Why waste time making small talk with the doorman? I should just shut up and do my job, opening the door for you.",JERRY,How 'bout those Knicks?
DOORMAN,"Oh, I see. On the sports page...",JERRY,Yeah.
ELAINE,"Where've you been? We're gonna miss the movie, let's go.",JERRY,I am not going back down there. I can't face that guy again.
ELAINE,What guy?,JERRY,The doorman. I don't wanna play anymore of his mindgames. What time does he get off?
ELAINE,Six. But then the night doorman comes on. He's much scarier. (scary noise) Whugh! (laughs) Ha-ha.,JERRY,"Well, it's almost six now. Can't we just wait til he goes home?"
ELAINE,(unhappy) I...,JERRY,We'll still make the movie.
ELAINE,"Jerry, it's six. (claps her hands) Let's go.",JERRY,"Uh, that doorman's still milling around outside. He's very peculiar."
ELAINE,"No, don't...",JERRY,"(picks up phone) Hello? (listens) Oh, hi Mr. Pitt."
ELAINE,"A party. Oh no, that was just my stupid friend Jerry.",JERRY,"Alright, he just left. We can go."
DOORMAN,"Hey, buddy.",JERRY,(surprise) You? Wh...what're you doing here? You work at this building too?
DOORMAN,"Ah, sure. Poor doorman has to work two jobs to put food on the table for mother and baby. (supercilious) No, I live here. That's okay, isn't it?",JERRY,So you work all day as a doorman at one building. Then you come home and stand outside your own building?
DOORMAN,You got a problem with that?,JERRY,"Look, I'm not going in your building. I really don't have to talk to you. Goodbye."
GEORGE,My father opened his shirt...,JERRY,"Yeah, and?"
KRAMER,(matter of fact) He had breasts.,JERRY,"What d'you mean, breasts?"
GEORGE,(waves his hands) Big breasts!,JERRY,So what? A lot of older men have that.
GEORGE,"(worried) Yeah, that's right. What if it's a genetic thing, like father like son?",JERRY,"But, your father's not bald."
GEORGE,"No, no no. That skips a generation. The baldness gene comes from your grandfather.",JERRY,Then I suppose the bosom gene comes from your grandmother.
KRAMER,A bra is for ladies. I'm talking about a support undergarment specifically designed for men.,JERRY,"Boy, that brain never stops working, does it?"
ELAINE,(to Jerry) What? What'd you say to the doorman?,JERRY,What? Nothing.
ELAINE,"(sitting beside Jerry) He claims that you followed him home, and started harassing him.",JERRY,What has this guy got a personal vendetta with me?! What'd I do to him? 'Cos I asked him about the Knicks?
ELAINE,"Hey, did you make the movie?",JERRY,No.
ELAINE,You wanna go tonight? You can pick me up.,JERRY,"Alright. Can we go to a later show, so he's off his shift when I come by?"
ELAINE,Ugh. So now we have to rearrange our lives to avoid the doorman?,JERRY,"Yes, we do."
ELAINE,What is wrong with George?,JERRY,He's... trying to get something off his chest.
DOORMAN,Help you?,JERRY,(jumps in surprise) Hoh! What're you doing here? You're supposed to be gone.
DOORMAN,"I traded shifts with the night doorman. He had some personal affairs to attend to. You see, my fellow doorman and I watch out for each other. We don't stab each other in the back, like people in your world.",JERRY,"(trying to ease the tension) Look, I don't want any trouble. I don't have a doorman in my building. I guess I'm just not used to talking to them. I'd really just like to be friends."
DOORMAN,You wanna be friends?,JERRY,I'd like to be.
DOORMAN,"Then watch the door for a minute, would you?",JERRY,What?
DOORMAN,"Yeah, I just wanna run and get a beer. I'll be back in a minute.",JERRY,Wha...? Wai... wait a second. What do I do?
DOORMAN,"It's not brain surgery. You open the door for people who live here. And, if they don't live here, don't let them in. (takes off his hat) Here. (putting it on Jerry's head) Wear that.",JERRY,Oh.
MR. GREEN,"(indignant) Of course I live here. I've lived here for twenty years. Now, if you don't let me in, I'm going to call the police and have you arrested.",JERRY,(after the guy) You think you're better than me?
DELIVERY GUY,(indicating) You have to sign for it.,JERRY,"Oh, right."
DELIVERY GUY,"(with a smile) Hey, how 'bout those Knicks, huh?",JERRY,"(dismissive) Yeah, yeah, yeah."
ELAINE,I can't believe you left your post.,JERRY,He left me there. You see the mind games?
ELAINE,"(quietly to Jerry) Jerry, let's get out of here.",JERRY,Yeah.
ELAINE,What were you doing watching the door anyway?,JERRY,He asked me to. We were getting along.
ELAINE,"(thinking) You know, my fingerprints are all over this. That doorman knows you're a friend of mine. He'll tell that co-op lady, she'll tell Mr. Pitt... Jerry, I'm in this too deep.",JERRY,"Don't you find it odd that as soon as he leaves, the couch gets stolen? Maybe he's setting me up!"
ELAINE,"(taking command) Alright, shut up. Shut up. Just let me think. I gotta think. We gotta get our story straight.",JERRY,"Alright, well what if we say..."
ELAINE,"Alright, (claps hands) here it is. This is what we'll tell 'em. You came to pick me up...",JERRY,I came to pick you up.
ELAINE,Yeah. That's what I just said.,JERRY,I know. I was just...
ELAINE,"Yeah, I know what you were just. It's not helping.",JERRY,"Alright, well. Just, start again, then."
ELAINE,"Okay, you came to pick me up at...",JERRY,Right.
ELAINE,You see? Again.,JERRY,What? I said right.
ELAINE,"Alright, you came right upstairs, without talking to the doorman.",JERRY,But the doorman's gonna say that I was there.
ELAINE,(intense) So what? No-one's gonna believe a doorman!,JERRY,But I don't know if this is gonna work.
ELAINE,"(aggressive, with finger pointing) Just stick with the story. We'll be fine. Let me do the talking!",JERRY,Okay.
ELAINE,(desperate) Don't you see what's going on here? He set us up. He's playing all these mindgames.,JERRY,You're saying I'm responsible for the couch?
ELAINE,(worked up) There was nothing I could do. He said he had a Federal Express slip with your signature on it.,JERRY,(livid) Diabolical. He thought of everything. He was setting me up from day one!
ELAINE,Is it possible we were victims of a sting?,JERRY,I'm sure he's having a good laugh over this with his doorman buddies.
ELAINE,We have to replace the couch.,JERRY,Now we have to buy a new couch?!
GEORGE,(crafty) Not necessarily. Why don't you take back the couch you gave me?,JERRY,The one with the Poppie stain?!
ELAINE,It's a beautiful couch.,JERRY,It's hardly been used.
POPPIE,"Oh, hello, Jerry.",JERRY,What're you doing here?
POPPIE,Visiting my friend.,JERRY,"Ohh. Hey, how you feeling?"
POPPIE,"Oh, much better, much better. The doctors say I cannot have no aggravation.",JERRY,Hmm.
POPPIE,You! I... I gotta sit down!,JERRY,"No, Poppie! No!!"
GEORGE,""" That guy was amazing, he could dunk and he was my height...What was his name again?""",JERRY,"""Jimmy"""
GEORGE,"""Jimmy, right.""",JERRY,"""I dunno how you could forget . He kept reffering to himself in the third person. ""Jimmy's under the boards. Jimmy's in the open. Jimmy makes the shot."""
GEORGE,"""What day is today?....Aw. ..Tuesday! Damn it. I shouldn't have worked out today. Mr Wilhem has called a big meeting and now I'm gonna be sweating through the whole thing.""",JERRY,"""Why. You took a shower?"""
GEORGE,"""All right, I'll see you guys later.""",JERRY,"""Aw right."""
KRAMER,"""So, you're heading home?""",JERRY,"""No...Got dental appointment."""
KRAMER,"""Ah! what.. Tim Whatley?",JERRY,"""Yeah!"""
KRAMER,"""Oh yeah.! I got a check up on Thursday.""",JERRY,"""Oh! How d'you like that?"""
KRAMER,"""You know.. You really shouldn't brush 24 hours before seeing the dentist.""",JERRY,"""I think that's eat 24 hours before surgery."""
RECEPTIONIST,"""Dr Whatley's running a little late. If you'd like to take a seat, I'll call you when he's ready.""",JERRY,"""All right."""
ELAINE,"(to Jerry) ""Hey ! You want to go see ""The Velvet Fog"".",JERRY,"""The Velvet fog?"""
ELAINE,"""Yeah! Mel Torm, That's his nickname.""",JERRY,"""What the hell his a velvet fog."""
ELAINE,"""Do you wanna go or not?""",JERRY,"""Well , where is it?."""
ELAINE,"""He's performing at this AMCA benefit.""",JERRY,"""AMCA?"""
ELAINE,"""Able Mentally Challenged Adults""",JERRY,"""Naaaaaa...I can't watch a man sing a song."""
ELAINE,"""What are you..crazy?""",JERRY,"""They get all emotional , they sway. It's embarrassing."""
ELAINE,"""Well, what am I gonna do for a date.?...Oh! do you know that ..hemmm! blond guy who's always at the exercycle at the health club?""",JERRY,"""I don't think so."""
ELAINE,"""Yeah yeah! He's really handsome with those...""",JERRY,"(interrupting) ""Elaine , I really don't...............pay much attention to men`s faces."""
ELAINE,"""You can't find beauty in a man?""",JERRY,"""No... I find them repugnant and unappealing."""
KRAMER,"""Hey!""",JERRY,"(pointing Kramer) ""To wit"""
KRAMER,"""What?""",JERRY,"""No ,Elaine and I we're just discussing whether I could admit a man is attractive."""
KRAMER,""" Hmm! Oh! Yeah. I'll tell you who is an attractive man; Gorge Will.""",JERRY,"""Really!"""
KRAMER,"""So you got any cavities?""",JERRY,"""Just one....gotta go back.....Oh but get this. Elaine, you will appreciate this. I'm sitting in Tim Whatley's waiting room...He's got a Penthouse right out on the table."""
ELAINE,"""Penthouse?""",JERRY,"""Yeah!!! What is that? I mean isn't that sick. I mean , I'd be embarrassed to have that in my apartment."""
KRAMER,"""So what's wrong with that?",JERRY,"(outraged) He's a doctor!.I mean it's supposed to be like a sterile environment."""
KRAMER,"""So... Did you take a look?""",JERRY,"""Of course.... But that's got nothing to do with it."""
GEORGE,"(to Jerry) ""You know those shoes that Jimmy had? I cut a deal with him. We're gonna import a case of them together.""",JERRY,"""What are you doing that for, you got a job"""
GEORGE,"""There's a lot of money in this.. He's got a proven sales method""",JERRY,""" Yeah! What's that."""
GEORGE,"""He jumps!""",JERRY,"""Jimmy's got a record. Jimmy's jumping for dollars. Jimmt and George are gonna get rich."""
KRAMER,"""Hey! What's this?""",JERRY,"""Kom Pau(sp?"""
KRAMER,"""All right euhhm.....""",JERRY,"""Ahh! You too with these?"""
KRAMER,"(still under the effects of the Novocaine slurrs his words heavily) ""Yeah H'amon board.""",JERRY,"""So what did Tim say?"""
KRAMER,"""Wellhum....He th'aid I gotta cut out the SsssfKittles.""",JERRY,"""Looks like he gave you some Novocaine"""
KRAMER,"""Ohhh H'am loaded.""",JERRY,"""So what about the Penthouse. Did you ask him?"""
KRAMER,"""Well he said that humm.. you know.that it helps his pathients relax a little bit..and he's got a new polithy Adults only.""",JERRY,"""Adults only?"""
KRAMER,"""Yeah!!!""",JERRY,"""What the hell's going on over there?"""
KRAMER,"""Well you know its.. great. You know, no kids ..allowed. you don't have to watch your language.""",JERRY,"""You find you need to use a lot of obscenities at the dentist."
KRAMER,"""He..he... When they pull that needle out I let the expletives fly.""",JERRY,"""Hey! Hey! Watch it.!... You're drooling all over the floor. How much Novocaine did that guy give you."""
KRAMER,"""HEY I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN!!!""",JERRY,"""Why are you taking this so personally?"""
KRAMER,"(whose voice has returned to normal)"" THE VELVET FOG!!!!""",JERRY,"""What about the Velvet Fog ?"""
KRAMER,"""Ehmm ..These are my vertical leap training shoes.""",JERRY,"""Wait a second ..Where you wearing those shoes in the cab?"""
KRAMER,"""Yeah! yeah! right after I left the Y.""",JERRY,"""Don't you see what's happened, he couldn't talk , he's wearing these shoes, he's drooling."""
ELAINE,"""He thinks you're mentally challenged.""",JERRY,"""Well...........you know....."""
ELAINE,"""Well ,what happens when you show up . He'll see that you're not.?""",JERRY,"""Not necessarily because....."""
WHATLEY,"""Sheryl, would you ready the Nitro(???) please?""",JERRY,"""Oh! where's Jennifer today?"""
ELAINE,"""....Maybe you were still under the gas.Maybe you were hallucinating you're coming out of the gas but you were still under the gas.""",JERRY,"""I don't think so. I think they were getting dressed and not only that; my shirt was out!!!"""
ELAINE,"""your shirt was out?""",JERRY,"""I think so."""
ELAINE,"""Well, what kind of shirt was it.?""",JERRY,"""You know! Like a tennis shirt."""
ELAINE,"""Oh! Well ... You don't tuck those in?""",JERRY,"""Sometimes I tuck'em sometimes I don't"""
ELAINE,"""Well. Were you tucked?""",JERRY,"""I think I was tucked.!"""
ELAINE,"""All right then say you were. I mean .. what do you think could have happened.?""",JERRY,"""I don't know but I was spitting out and rinsing like there was no tomorrow."""
ELAINE,"""Ughhhh""",JERRY,"""Is this guy a dentist or Caligula?"""
ELAINE,"""What are you gettin'?""",JERRY,"""I don't think I'm hungry"""
ELAINE,"""Okay...So you were violated by two people while you were under the gas. So What? You're single.""",JERRY,""" But I'm damaged goods now."""
ELAINE,"""Join the club.""",JERRY,"""Hey, by the way, did you ever call that guy from the health club.?"""
ELAINE,"""Oh yeah! Jimmy.""",JERRY,"""Jimmy?"
ELAINE,"""Ahum!""",JERRY,"""That's the guy?"""
ELAINE,"""Yeah!""",JERRY,"""Can't believe your going out with him..."""
ELAINE,"""Why?""",JERRY,"""I dunno. He's so strange.'"
ELAINE,"""How so?""",JERRY,"""Did you notice he always refer to himself in the third person. Jimmy can dunk. Jimmy's new in town. Jimmy we'll see you later."""
ELAINE,"""No No... That's not him. That's the guy who gave me... Jimmy's number.""",JERRY,"""That's Jimmy. That's the way he talks."""
ELAINE,"""I'm going to go see Mel Torm with him?""",JERRY,"""Jimmy's gonna put the moves on Elaine.."""
GEORGE,"""I have to go see Steinbrenner later. Mr Wilhelm told him that I was the one responsable for stealing all the merchandise.""",JERRY,"""Why?"""
GEORGE,"""'Cause when he questioned me about it I was sweating from the Kom Pau..""",JERRY,"""I don't know how you can eat that spicy chicken,"""
GEORGE,"""George likes spicy chicken.""",JERRY,"""What's that?"""
GEORGE,"""....I like spicy chicken""",JERRY,"""No no you said George likes spicy chicken."""
ELAINE,"""Yes you did you said George likes spicy chicken..",JERRY,"""You're turning in to Jimmy."""
KRAMER,"""Hey! Got the new Penthouse""",JERRY,"""Where's my Mr. Goodbar?"""
GEORGE,..And I went down there one time to see...,JERRY,(cuts in) A nude model.
GEORGE,If Elaine wanted to get some coffee.,JERRY,"You know I went out once with a nude model. Never let me see her naked. Hundreds of people see her naked every week, except me. Needless to say it was quite vexing."
GEORGE,Are you through?,JERRY,Yeah!
GEORGE,Oh! Dropped a napkin...(Whispers) Jerry!,JERRY,What?
GEORGE,"What are you doing?...She had those nuts in her mouth, she just spit them out.",JERRY,(spits the nut) OooH!!! You. you ate these? You sucked on these and put them on the plate?
SHELLY,Well I didn't know you were gonna eat them?,JERRY,Soo...
SHELLY,I'm sorry you find me so repulsive?,JERRY,"No ,no I don't, I mean, Don't be silly.."
SHELLY,Yeah!,JERRY,It's just...
PAULA,I'll join you.,JERRY,Oh! man did you see that. I ate discarded food.
GEORGE,Well I've done that.,JERRY,"Yeah, but with you it's intentional."
GEORGE,Haven't you kissed her?,JERRY,"Yeah, but this is different , this is like ,you know, semi digested food stuff. You know the next stop is the stomach and you can take it from there."
GEORGE,Excuse me just for a second. ( fixes his hair looking at his reflection in a coffee pot.),JERRY,AH. Yes that's gonna make a big difference.
GEORGE,"This is dating , you can't leave anything to chance.",JERRY,"Hey ,You think that Shelly's upset that I made such a big deal about the pecan."
GEORGE,"Hehummm , Yeah!",JERRY,Thanks.
SHELLY,"Well Jerry , I guess we should get going .",JERRY,Ah! boy.
GEORGE,Yeah.( reaches for the purse and finds a piece of paper . he looks annoyed.,JERRY,Yeah! So
GEORGE,Don't you see what this is?,JERRY,Yeah! It's a doodle.
GEORGE,"Yeah!, a doodle of me...look at the size of the nose , the ears, all my features are distorted.",JERRY,Oh!.It's an affectionate caricature.
GEORGE,I'm grotesque . I look like a troll.,JERRY,It's just a drawing.
ELAINE,What is with him?,JERRY,the usual
ELAINE,"So, you know what? My friend Judy recommended me for a job at Viking Press.",JERRY,Good for you
ELAINE,"Yeah! But get this. Viking has a deal with the Plaza Hotel, they got a two bedroom suite, there, for out-of-town clients...So guess what I did?",JERRY,"Oh! Come on, you told them you're from out-of-town just so you could stay in a hotel room."
ELAINE,"I know, I know Jerry.. but it's The Plazaaa... I've never stayed there .It'll be like a little vacation",JERRY,Well be sure to catch a Broadway show while you're in town.
ELAINE,"( laughs)Listen, I've used your parents address in Florida.",JERRY,Oh! There coming to town tomorrow by the way.
ELAINE,Hey. What's this.?.,JERRY,Don't ask.
ELAINE,What is it ..A drawing of Mr. Magoo,JERRY,"No ,it's George ( Elaine laughs heartily)"
GEORGE,But she's gonna know that I like her more than she likes me.,JERRY,"You know my parents are coming in and I got some clean up to do , so if you and Potsie are done scheming...."
KRAMER,"Well, they're in...",JERRY,What's in?
KRAMER,"The MACANAW PEACHES ,Jerry , the MACANAW PEACHES!!!!",JERRY,Aah! .. right. The ones from Oregon that are only ripe for two weeks a year..
KRAMER,Yeah Yeah I split a case with Newman..I waited all year for this.. Oooh this is fantastic.. Makes your taste buds come alive....It's like having a circus in your mouth.....Take a taste,JERRY,"Nah, I don't wanna"
KRAMER,"Come on ,Just take a taste",JERRY,I don't want it..
KRAMER,Come on JUST TASTE!!!,JERRY,I DON'T WANT IT ....
KRAMER,HE..YA. AYA. AYYYYYAAAAA!!!!,JERRY,"I am not gonna taste your peach. I ate some one's pecan last night, I'm not gonna eat your peach."
KRAMER,"Jerry , this is a miracle of nature that exists for a brief period. It's like the Aurora Borealis.",JERRY,..What is this?
KRAMER,What?,JERRY,Yeah! I think I got flea bites.
KRAMER,Flea bites?,JERRY,"Look at this, my ankle's all bitten up."
KRAMER,You got a dog?,JERRY,No.
KRAMER,"Well, that is strange.",JERRY,How could I have fleas?
KRAMER,Don't sweat it buddy...I used to have fleas.,JERRY,What did you do about them?
HELEN,Hi Jerry......What's wrong?,JERRY,Nothing...
HELEN,"Jerry, I'm your mother, now what is it?",JERRY,"Mom, Dad.....I have fleas.."
KARL,Yep!...In your bedroom too Mr. Seinfeld. You've got a full outbreak of fleas on your hands.,JERRY,I don't get this. How did this happen. I don't have a dog.
KARL,I don't explain 'em Mr. Seinfeld. I just exterminate them.,JERRY,I don't understand this..
KARL,I 'm gonna have to seal the place up for 48 hours and fog it. That's the only way to get rid of them.,JERRY,"Nobody can be in here for 48 hours, I got my parents in town."
KARL,"Well , unless you want to kill them. They can't stay in here. This stuff is pretty toxic. I'll go get my stuff, it's in the truck.",JERRY,Okay..
ELAINE,Why do you have a bug guy?,JERRY,I have fleas.
ELAINE,Argh.. Fleas ( strikes the purse she just deposited on the couch) How did you get fleas?,JERRY,I don't know...But every one's got to clear out of the apartment for two days. I don't know what I'm gonna do with my parents. they'll never let me pay for a hotel and if they go to someplace on their own I'm sure it's gonna be some awful dump. Wait a second.. Have you checked in The Plaza yet?
ELAINE,No....Oh No....,JERRY,"Come on,c'mon"
ELAINE,"No, No...",JERRY,"c'mon ,c'mon...."
ELAINE,"No, No...",JERRY,"c'mon, c'mon...."
ELAINE,"No, No....Yesss!!!!!!",JERRY,Yes!!!
ELAINE,Well what about you. Where you gonna stay?,JERRY,"I dunno , I'm gonna ask Shelley ,but she still might be upset from the masticated pecan incident."
ELAINE,Hey!! I found out from Paula; She likes George. I'll bet he'll be relieved.,JERRY,Yeah.. When he's dead he'll be relieved... Oh by the way Viking Press sent a Fedex for you to my parents. They brought it with 'em.
GEORGE,She thinks I'm ugly. I knew it.,JERRY,"You see the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around, but they don't know they're ugly, because nobody actually tells them."
GEORGE,.....So what's your point?,JERRY,I dunno...
GEORGE,"Oh!, so what. I'd rather she hate me and thought I was good looking....At least I can get somebody else. (scratching his chest) What is this? Why am I itching?",JERRY,That'd be the fleas.
HELEN,"Jerry, are you sure this all right?",JERRY,Yeah! it's all taken care of.
ELAINE,Thank god I found you..,JERRY,Oh! Hey!
ELAINE,You still got that Fedex?,JERRY,"Yeah! I got it . It's in the apartment, but we can't go in there it's being fumigated."
ELAINE,No I'll take my chances. Come on...( Grabs him by the coat and head back to his place),JERRY,You see?
ELAINE,"Jerry , I need that Fedex right now..",JERRY,I told you to take it.
ELAINE,"Well, I didn't know that it was a manuscript that I had to read...",JERRY,"Well, You can't go in there it's like a gas chamber in there."
KRAMER,I left a Macanaw peach in your refrigerator.,JERRY,"Kramer, they're fumigating. There's toxic gas in there."
KRAMER,Toxic gas!!!,JERRY,"Aw! You'll be fine, you were in there for what , a couple of minutes."
ELAINE,My manuscript?,JERRY,How do you feel?
KRAMER,I left it on the coffee table or somethin',JERRY,Well wh..wh.what are you doing?
ELAINE,I'm going in .,JERRY,Didn't you see the sign on the door?
ELAINE,Okay... bathroom....kitchen.,JERRY,Can you get me a soda?
ELAINE,(again pants) I couldn't find it anywhere. How did you get fleas anyway?,JERRY,I don't know. Who could've been in my apartment.
ELAINE,"I 've looked everywhere , even under the couch but all I could find were the stupid Chunky wrappers. I couldn't....",JERRY,Wait a minute . Did you say chunky wrappers?
ELAINE,Yeah!,JERRY,Let me see those. ( smells them) Oh! I know the chunky that left these Chunkies......NEWMAN!!! I've got him.
NEWMAN,Hello jerry. What a pleasant surprise.,JERRY,"There's nothing pleasant about it, so lets just cut the crap.. You gave me fleas. I know it and you know it.."
NEWMAN,"Fleas? Bwa ha ha ha ha .That's preposterous. How can I , give you fleas. Now if you don't mind...",JERRY,Oh! but I do. There's probably fleas crawling all over your little snack bar. ( as he says this Newman is wildly scratching behind his back. he suddenly stops when Jerry turns around)
NEWMAN,"So , you have fleas. Maybe you keep your house in a state of disrepair. Maybe you live in squalor.",JERRY,"You know Newman , the thing about fleas is that they irritate the skin and they start to...itch. Oh! maybe you can hold out five seconds or ten, maybe fifteen or twenty but after a while, no matter how much will power a person may have. It won't matter, because they're crawling , crawling on your skin. Up your legs , up your spine , up your back....."
KRAMER,"This food ,it has no taste......nothin' I'm gettin' nothin'...( realizes) It must be the toxic gas from the fumigation......( he leaves paranoid and confused)",JERRY,"Hey, thanks a lot for lettin' me stay here."
SHELLY,"Well, I don't keep pecans in the house so I didn't think it'd be a problem.",JERRY,( embarrassed laugh) ...Oh! Damn..
SHELLY,What's the matter?,JERRY,I forgot my toothbrush.
SHELLY,Oh! no problem.....You can use mine.,JERRY,Yours?....You know what I'll think I'll brush later.
SHELLY,Brush now.,JERRY,(long pause).......Sure. ( humms a song then stares at the toothbrush)
LEO,No more nuts. Awrghh.....,JERRY,Oh! my god. What the hell is this? ..... Don't tell me.......Velvet!!!
GEORGE,It's the real deal.,JERRY,She's seen you in this thing.
GEORGE,That's right...We just had sex......You know Jerry I've been searching for someone a long time. Well the search is over.,JERRY,And now the search for the right psychiatrist begins.
GEORGE,He he...So huh! What's with the suitcase.,JERRY,Ahh! She threw me out.
GEORGE,Why?,JERRY,I wouldn't use her toothbrush.
GEORGE,So where are you staying?,JERRY,Well I guess I'm stuck with the Velvet Fog.
[Opening Scene,"Jerry and Elaine are outside, heading towards the apartment building]",JERRY,I hear you're going out with David Putty.
ELAINE,"Yeah. What, is it a problem?",JERRY,"Well, I think he could've asked me. Supposed to be a friend of mine."
ELAINE,"Well, I guess he figured you just wouldn't care. It *has* been a few years.",JERRY,"Elaine, you always care who an ex-girlfriend dates. You don't want it to be someone you know, and you don't want it to be someone better than you. Now, even though the latter is *obviously* impossible."
ELAINE,"Oh, god.",JERRY,"The former still applies. I don't know what it is, but I just can't see you with a mechanic."
ELAINE,"Oh, yeah. Right, right. Well, all those mechanics do is work all day with their hands and their *big*, *muscular* arms on machines, and then they come home dripping with animal sexuality like Stanley Kowalski. What a huge turn-off that is.",JERRY,All right.
ELAINE,"No, nothing.",JERRY,Hi.
ELAINE,I was with David *Putty* last night.,JERRY,"Yeah, so."
ELAINE,He did the move.,JERRY,What move?
ELAINE,You know...*the* move.,JERRY,Wait a second. *My* move?
ELAINE,"Yes, yes.",JERRY,Are you sure?
ELAINE,Jerry! There is no confusing *that* move with any other move.,JERRY,I can't believe it. He *stole* my move.
ELAINE,What else did you tell (reaches over to slap Jerry) him. (does it again) The two of you must have had *quite* a little chat!,JERRY,"Oh, it wasn't like that! I didn't even mention you. You know, we were in the garage. You know how garages are. They're conducive to sex talk. It's a high-testosterone area."
ELAINE,Because of all the pistons and the lube jobs?,JERRY,"Well, I'm going down to that garage and telling him to stop doing it."
ELAINE,"Well, wait---wait a second.",JERRY,What?
ELAINE,Isn't that a little...rash?,JERRY,No! He stole my move!
ELAINE,"Yeah, but...*I* like the move.",JERRY,"Yeah, but it's like another comedian stealing my material."
ELAINE,"Well, he doesn't even do it exactly the same. He--he--he uses a pinch at the end instead of the *swirl*!",JERRY,"Oh, yeah. The pinch. *I've* done the pinch. That's not new. Besides which, I don't know how you could trust any of his moves now. His whole *repertoire* could be lifted."
ELAINE,"You know, it's strange, because he's such an honest mechanic.",JERRY,"I know, he's probably the only honest mechanic in New York."
GEORGE,"You told David Putty your move and you didn't tell *me*? I *need* a move. You know I have no moves, Jerry. (points to the candy bar) Gimme a bite.",JERRY,Can I just get it opened first?
GEORGE,I can't believe you're hoarding sex moves. I'm out there rubbing two sticks together. You walk around with a zippo.,JERRY,"All right, all right. Here. (hands George a piece of the candy bar)."
GEORGE,"(takes a bite) Oh, that's good. That's very good.",JERRY,You feel better?
GEORGE,"Yeah, much better. All right, so what's the move, because I need *something*. This woman I'm dating, it's like she's doing her nails during love-making.",JERRY,Nancy Klopper?
GEORGE,"Yeah. Never seen anyone so bored. I'm working like a dog here. Give me a moan. *Something*. I'd settle for a belch, for god's sake. All right, come on, let's have it.",JERRY,"All right, George. I'm gonna tell you. But I just wanna make sure, before---"
GEORGE,"Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's in the vault. I'm putting it in the vault.",JERRY,"It's not even a question of that. The point is when something like this is passed along, one must be certain that it's going to be used in a *conscientious* way. This is not some parlor trick to be used---"
GEORGE,You're gonna tell me...or not.,JERRY,All right. On your bed. You got a headboard? You'll need a headboard.
GEORGE,I got a headboard.,JERRY,Is it padded?
GEORGE,No.,JERRY,Good. How tall is she?
GEORGE,Five-foot four. Why?,JERRY,"You can't have more than a one-foot differential in your heights. Otherwise, you could really hurt your neck."
GEORGE,I can't tell ya how much I appreciate this.,JERRY,"George, if you could master this, you'll never be alone again."
[Back at Jerry's apartment,"Jerry and George have just walked in, still conversing on the same subject]",JERRY,"Now, the ending is kind of an option. I use the swirl. I like the swirl. I'm comfortable with the swirl. *I* feel the swirl is a great capper. He uses the pinch, which I find a little presumptuous."
GEORGE,Is it a clockwise swirl?,JERRY,"I prefer clockwise, but it's not written in stone."
KRAMER,"Here you go, buddy. (shows it to Jerry).",JERRY,What is it?
KRAMER,*Fusilli* Jerry! It's made from Fusilli pasta. See the microphone?,JERRY,When did you do this?
KRAMER,"In my spare time. (turns to George). You know, I'm working on one of you, George. I'm using ravioli. See, the hard part is to find a pasta that captures the individual.",JERRY,Oh... Why Fusilli?
KRAMER,Because *you're* silly. Get it? (hands the Fusilli to Jerry) Yeah...,JERRY,"Well, thank you very much."
KRAMER,Assman.,JERRY,Assman?
KRAMER,"Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!",JERRY,"Who would order a license plate that says ""Assman""?"
GEORGE,Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.,JERRY,It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass.
KRAMER,"Yeah, or it could be a proctologist.",JERRY,Yeah. Proctologist.
GEORGE,"So, where you gonna stick this (points to the Fusilli Jerry)",JERRY,I'll tell you where I'd like to stick it.
DAVID,"Oh, hi, Jerry.",JERRY,"Hey, what's the story? I hear you're doing my move."
DAVID,What move?,JERRY,What move? *My* move. The one I told you about. You used it on Elaine.
DAVID,"You're move? What, are you kidding? I was doing that before I knew you. All you told me about was the ending.",JERRY,"The ending is the whole thing. Without the ending, it's nothing. You had *nothing*."
DAVID,"Oh, that ending was *so* obvious. I would have figured it out anyway. I didn't need you to tell me that stupid twist.",JERRY,Swirl.
DAVID,Whatever. I don't even do it.,JERRY,"Oh, yeah, I know. You do the *pinch*."
DAVID,"Yeah, that's right.",JERRY,"You can't come up with your own stuff , so you *steal* other peoples? You're nothing but a hack."
DAVID,"Are you through, 'cuz, uh, I gotta get back to work.",JERRY,"Well, I'll tell you what I'll do, you know. If you wanna do it out of town...okay. But not in the city."
DAVID,"All right, how about the next time your car breaks down, you take *that* out of town.",JERRY,Fine.
ESTELLE,Boy. I never dreamed it could make such a difference.,JERRY,You must have done *something* wrong. You probably screwed up the order. Did you close with the swirl?
GEORGE,Supposed to close with the swirl?,JERRY,"Oh my god. Yes, you close with the swirl. There's a progression there. I told you to write it down."
GEORGE,"Yeah, yeah, should've written it down.",JERRY,Yeah?
BUZZER,Elaine.,JERRY,C'mon up. (turns to George) You know what? Do me a favor. Don't even do the move anymore. You're gonna give it a bad name.
GEORGE,"What's to think about? If Putty says it's what it is, it's what it is. He's not gonna cheat you.",JERRY,Except that it's not Putty.
GEORGE,What happened to Putty?,JERRY,"Eh, we had a little fight about the move. I took her to this other place. I think they might be trying to screw me."
GEORGE,"Well, of course they're trying to screw you. What do you think? That's what they do. They can make up anything. Nobody knows. ""By the way, you need a new Johnson rod in there."" ""Oh, a Johnson rod. Yeah, well, you better put one of those on.""",JERRY,"Hey, Elaine."
ELAINE,"Yeah, yeah, hello.",JERRY,Is it something I said?
ELAINE,Yes! As a matter of fact! David Putty won't do the move anymore.,JERRY,Really?
ELAINE,"Oh, he's come up with some other move. You should see this thing.",JERRY,What is it?
ELAINE,"Oh, it's a lot of just fancy-shmancy stuff. You know what it's like? It's like a big budget movie with a story that goes *nowhere*.",JERRY,Huh.
ELAINE,I'm not surprised.,JERRY,Listen. I need you to do me a favor. When's the next time you're gonna see him?
ELAINE,Why?,JERRY,You gotta get an estimate on my car from him. I think this garage is trying to screw me.
ELAINE,An estimate? How am I supposed to do that?,JERRY,"Well, look. Here's the work order with everything that broke. Just kind of bring it up at the right time and find out. (hands Elaine the work order)"
ELAINE,(takes the work order and points to the Fusilli Jerry sitting on the table) What? What is this?,JERRY,"That's, uh, Fusilli Jerry."
ELAINE,Fusilli Jerry?,JERRY,Yeah. Kramer made it.
GEORGE,"All right, listen, I'll see you guys later.",JERRY,"Hey, Assman!"
SALLY,Hello.,JERRY,Hi.
FRANK,"Assman? I'll get him, Assman!",JERRY,"Sixteen hundred dollars? That's all? *Ooh*, they are ripping me off."
ELAINE,So what are you going to do?,JERRY,"Well, that's it. I'm going back to Putty. No move is worth this."
ELAINE,Oh! You mean you don't care if he does the move anymore?,JERRY,Are you kidding? He can do every move I've ever done! Do you know what a good mechanic is worth? You can't compare that to sex.
FRANK,Where's your friend Kramer?,JERRY,I don't know. Why?
FRANK,Because I'm looking for him. That's why. He stopped short.,JERRY,What do you mean?
FRANK,"In a car, with my wife. He stopped short. You think I don't know what that's about? That's my old move! I used it on Estelle forty years ago! I told everybody about it! Everybody knows! (Demonstrates) Hmmph! I stopped short.",JERRY,"Really, stopping short. That's a good move."
FRANK,Aah!!!,JERRY,"Oh, my god!"
GEORGE,They say this guy's the best.,JERRY,He had to use cork-screw pasta.
KRAMER,The name on the boat. Look at it.,JERRY,Assman!
ESTELLE,Oh!,JERRY,"What time does your flight get in? Six? All right, that gives us six hours. Then I'll meet you at the diplomat's club. I'll be the one without the big red sash. Okay, see you tonight. (Hangs up)"
ELAINE,Is that the supermodel?,JERRY,"Yep, she's not gonna be back for a month, but I got six hours."
ELAINE,I thought you had a show in Ithaca.,JERRY,"I do, but it's three o'clock and then I'm flying right back and meeting Bridget at the Diplomat's Club in the airport."
ELAINE,"Well, guess what I'm doing. I'm going to Mr. Pitt's, and I am telling him that I am quitting.",JERRY,So that's it? You know I never even met the guy.
ELAINE,I've had enough. I am marchin' in.,JERRY,You're marchin' in.
GEORGE,Hey.,JERRY,Hey. Elaine's quitting.
GEORGE,I've done the march in. Best feeling in the world.,JERRY,How 'bout the march out?
ELAINE,This is it. Wish me luck.,JERRY,Get a march goin'! March it! (She exits)
GEORGE,"Jerry, I need to borrow your camera.",JERRY,Why?
GEORGE,"Well, I wanna put a picture of me and my boss Mr. Morgan up at the office.",JERRY,What for?
GEORGE,"They're reorganizing the staff, and I'm on thin ice with this guy as it is.",JERRY,Isn't putting this guy's picture on your desk a little transparent?
KATE,"Jerry, listen, just so you know, before we take off they're gonna tell us what to do in the vent of a crash-",JERRY,"Yes, I know. I've flown before."
KATE,Oh good. I just didn't want you to freak out... The chance of a crash is very slim. Do you have to go to the bathroom?,JERRY,No.
KATE,"It's a pretty full house, the lighting guy's name is Lew, he's got a birthday next week.",JERRY,I don't care.
KATE,"By the way, Jerry, I don't want you to freak out, but the pilot is going to be in the audience.",JERRY,Who?
KATE,Remember the plane we took here? The pilot is gonna be sitting out there watching the show.,JERRY,"I don't care, why are you telling me this?"
KATE,I just didn't want you to freak out when you saw him.,JERRY,Why would I freak out? (To himself) Pilot...
Off stage,"Ladies and gentlemen, a big hand for Mr. Jerry Seinfeld! (Clapping)",JERRY,"Hey, all right. Good afternoon Ithaca. Welcome, good to see you here... Boy, I'll tell you, there's an awful lot of those orange cones you have on the throughway... (Sees pilot) on the way... up here... um... I.."
KATE,"It didn't go very well, did it?",JERRY,"No, it didn't. And you know why? Seeing the pilot in the audience really freaked me out."
KATE,I knew it.,JERRY,"If you hadn't mentioned anything, I would have been fine. I became obsessed with him."
KATE,"Why did we invite him? Stupid, stupid. when he asked for a ticket, I should have said no. I'm gonna go chew him out.",JERRY,"Oh, it doesn't matter now."
KATE,"Don't worry, Jerry. I'm on top of this.",JERRY,"Yeah, you're on top of it, and I'm on the bottom!"
INTERCOM,"Sorry for the delay, folks, there is a slight complication that we're taking care of, and then we'll be on our way to La Guardia...",JERRY,(To Katie) What is the complication?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT,Mr. Seinfeld?,JERRY,Yes?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT,"I'm sorry, but the pilot has asked that you leave this plane.",JERRY,What?
KATE,"I'm not surprised. I really let him have it, Jerry. He has no business being in your audience if you didn't want him there.",JERRY,I didn't care.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT,"Well, now the pilot doesn't want you on his plane.",JERRY,He can't just throw me off the plane!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT,"Yes he can, if he has cause to believe a passenger will be a disturbance.",JERRY,But I'm not a disturbance!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT,"Well, apparently you are disturbing him, sir.",JERRY,But someone is waiting for me!
KATE,"Jerry, I don't want you to freak out.",JERRY,I'm freakin' out! I am freakin' out!
KATE,"There's a flight leaving at eight, and another one at eight-thirty, which one do you want?",JERRY,Which one do you think I want?
KATE,The eight will get you in a little earlier.,JERRY,Then we'll make it the eight.
KATE,"I'll book a hotel, do you want a standard room or mini suite?]",JERRY,Hotel?
KATE,"Yeah, it's eight in the morning.",JERRY,"No, no, no. I have to get home tonight. Bridget's gonna be waiting for me at the Diplomat's Club. Rent a car."
KATE,"Mid-size, luxury, or sports model, what's your preference?",JERRY,"I don't have a preference, okay! Just make a decision yourself! Stop bothering me with every minor little detail, please?"
GEORGE,Yo.,JERRY,George.
GEORGE,"Hey, Jerry, how was Ithaca?",JERRY,"I'm still here. Listen, you gotta go down to the Diplomat's Club..."
GEORGE,"Hey, Jerry, what was the name of the exterminator who fumigated your apartment when you had fleas?",JERRY,"Carl, I think."
GEORGE,"Carl... Yeah, he was a nice guy.",JERRY,"Yeah, he was nice."
GEORGE,What company was it?,JERRY,Defent.
GEORGE,"Yeah, you know we spoke for a little bit...",JERRY,You need an exterminator?
GEORGE,"No, not really.",JERRY,"Oh, don't tell me. 'Cause he's black?"
GEORGE,Gotta go.,JERRY,"George, George!"
ELAINE,Hello?,JERRY,"Elaine, I need you to do me a big favor. I need you to go down to the Diplomat's Club and meet Bridget for me. I'm going to be late."
ELAINE,"That's at the airport, right?",JERRY,"Right, I don't want Bridget to think I stood her up. I'll never get another date with her. She'll freak out."
ELAINE,"All right, all right. You sound a little freaked out yourself.",JERRY,I am a little freaked out!
ELAINE,"Calm down, I'll take care of it. (Ms. Walker looks suspicious of Elaine)",JERRY,"All right, but you have to go now."
NEWMAN,I hope you know what you're doing... (Kramer gives Newman a look of lack of confidence),JERRY,(Wakes up) Where are we?
KATE,I'm not sure.,JERRY,Is this even a road?
KATE,Oh we lost the road a half hour ago.,JERRY,What? Why didn't you wake me up?
KATE,You told me not to bother you with minor details.,JERRY,"No, road is a major detail!"
KATE,"Okay, now I know. Should I keep going or turn around, do you have a preference?",JERRY,(Pointing ahead) Look out!
TV,"Here's a new twist on car pooling Early this morning, a lost Manhattanite drove through a residential backyard and wound up in a swimming pool near Ithaca, New York. Comedian Jerry Seinfeld, a passenger, seemed a little freaked out.",JERRY,That's it! No more questions! I don't care!
ELAINE,Goodbye? (Elaine thinks of memories with Mr. Pitt),JERRY,Bridget!
BRIDGET,"Jerry, what happened?",JERRY,"Oh, I'm so sorry. I got stuck out of town. I missed our whole time together."
BRIDGET,"Well, my plane doesn't leave for another half hour.",JERRY,"Really? (They start to make out, Jerry sees the pilot on the plane) Oh my God, that's him! That's the pilot!"
ELAINE,"(to the busboy) Oh, thanks very much, the soup was really good.",JERRY,What are you telling him for?
ELAINE,What?,JERRY,"He's the busboy, you think he cares about the soup?"
ELAINE,"Yeah, why? Wouldn't he want the soup to be good?",JERRY,"Elaine, it's all this guy can do to keep from killing himself. You think he's back there, talking to the chef, going, ""Hey, they like the soup! Keep it up!""?"
ELAINE,"Hey, isn't that Alec Berg?",JERRY,"Yep, Alec Berg. He's got a good 'John Houseman' name. Alec Beeerg. Mr. Beeerg."
ELAINE,"I can't stand him, he is so pretentious.",JERRY,John Houseman?
ALEC,"Hi, how are you? Jerry.",JERRY,"Hi, Alec."
ALEC,Did you hear about Gary Fogel?,JERRY,Yeah.
ALEC,You gonna go to the funeral on Friday?,JERRY,"Yeah, hey did I see you on TV at the Ranger game? Were those your seats right behind the glass?"
ALEC,"Those are them, yeah. Season tickets. Uh, you know, unfortunately I can't go tonight, so they're available if you'd like to use them.",JERRY,"Oh, I'd love to, are you sure?"
ALEC,"Absolutely, you just call my secretary, she'll arrange everything.",JERRY,Gee thanks! Thanks a lot!
ALEC,"It's my pleasure. Be good. (Walking away, he stops abruptly) You know, I actually might not use them on Friday either so I'll let you know.",JERRY,"Alright, thanks again."
ELAINE,Thank you very much.,JERRY,"Really, thank you."
ELAINE,Who?,JERRY,"These are the people that want to talk to you. They got nothing else to do, why not disturb you?"
ELAINE,I will never understand people.,JERRY,They're the worst.
GEORGE,"Something's up, there's something in the air.",JERRY,"Well, what is with you?"
ELAINE,Siena?,JERRY,"Yeah, he's dating a crayon."
GEORGE,We discussed toilet paper.,JERRY,Toilet paper?
GEORGE,"Yeah, I told her how toilet paper hasn't changed in my lifetime, and probably wouldn't change in the next fifty thousand years and she was fascinated, fascinated!",JERRY,What are you talking about?
ELAINE,Yeah.,JERRY,Toilet paper's changed.
ELAINE,Yeah.,JERRY,It's softer.
ELAINE,Softer.,JERRY,More sheets per roll
ELAINE,Sheets.,JERRY,Comes in a wide variety of colors.
GEORGE,"Ok, ok, fine! It's changed, it's not really the point. Anyway, I'm thinking of making a big move.",JERRY,What?
GEORGE,"I might tell her that I love her. I came this close last night, then I just chickened out.",JERRY,"Well, that's a big move, Georgie boy. Are you confident in the 'I love you' return?"
GEORGE,Fifty-fifty.,JERRY,"Cause if you don't get that return, that's a pretty big matzoh ball hanging out there."
GEORGE,"Once, to a dog. He licked himself and left the room.",JERRY,"Well, so it wasn't a total loss."
KRAMER,Hey.,JERRY,"Hey, I forgot to tell you! I got tickets to the Rangers-Devils playoff game tonight!"
KRAMER,"Oh, I'm there, Monongahela!",JERRY,"What about you, George?"
KRAMER,"She must be a very special lady, huh George, yeah.",JERRY,"Well, what do I do with the extra ticket?"
ELAINE,"Oh hey, can I bring David Puddy? He's a big Devils' fan.",JERRY,"Sure, fine with me."
FATHER HERNANDEZ,El Diablo! Dios mio! El Diablo!!,JERRY,"""I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat."""
GEORGE,Yup.,JERRY,Big matzoh ball.
GEORGE,Huge matzoh ball.,JERRY,Those damn 'I love you' returns.
GEORGE,"Well, it's all over. I slipped up.",JERRY,"Oh, you don't know."
GEORGE,"You have any idea how fast these things deteriorate when there's an 'I love you' out of the bag? You can't have a relationship where one person says, ""I love you"", and the other says, ""I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat."".",JERRY,Unless you're married.
GEORGE,"I mean, now she thinks that I'm one of these guys that love her. Nobody wants to be with somebody that loves them.",JERRY,"No, people hate that."
GEORGE,You want to be with somebody that doesn't like you.,JERRY,Ideally.
KRAMER,"Hey, Jerry? You're a smart guy, right?",JERRY,No question about it.
KRAMER,"Alright, you know I'm supposed to go on this special tour today with George's girlfriend.",JERRY,At the zoo?
KRAMER,"Yeah, but before I met up with her, I stopped to look at the monkeys, when all of a sudden I am hit in the face with a banana peel. I turn and look and there is this monkey really laughing it up. Then someone tells me that he did it. Well, I pick up the banana peel and I wait for that monkey to turn around. And then I *whap* let him have it.",JERRY,"Kramer, you threw a banana peel at a monkey?"
KRAMER,"Well, he started it!",JERRY,"It's a monkey, Kramer!"
KRAMER,"Well, he pushed my buttons, I couldn't help it, Jerry.",JERRY,"Well, I still think it's wrong."
KRAMER,"Alright, alright, fine. You take the monkey's side, alright, go ahead.",JERRY,I'm not taking anyone's side.
KRAMER,"(walking out) Cause I know what happened, Jerry. (remembering something and walking back in) Did you call Alec Berg and thank him for the hockey tickets?",JERRY,No.
KRAMER,"Oh, Jerry, what are you waiting for?",JERRY,"What do I gotta call him for? I thanked him five times when he gave them to me, how many time I gotta thank him?"
KRAMER,"Oh, no no no, you gotta call him the next day, it's common courtesy.",JERRY,"No, I don't believe in it. I'm taking a stand against all this over thanking."
KRAMER,"Jerry, good manners are the glue of society.",JERRY,"Hey, if I knew I had to give him eight million 'thank you's, I wouldn't have taken the tickets in the first place."
KRAMER,"Alright, you know what this is gonna do? He's gonna be upset because you didn't call him and we're not gonna get those tickets for Friday night.",JERRY,"Ah, you're out of your mind."
KRAMER,"Alright, where you going?",JERRY,"I gotta get a suit cleaned, I have a funeral on Friday."
KRAMER,Who died?,JERRY,Remember the guy who pretended he had cancer so O would buy him the toupee?
KRAMER,So he actually had it?,JERRY,"No, car accident. He was trying to adjust his toupee while he was driving and he lost control of the car."
ELAINE,That poor priest. He was just visiting from El Salvador. Now he's gone completely loco.,JERRY,The one Puddy screamed at in the car?
ELAINE,Yeah. He thinks he saw the devil. He won't leave his room in the church basement.,JERRY,"Well, that's what you get for getting mixed up with a face painter."
ELAINE,"I mean, what compels a seemingly normal human being to do something like that?",JERRY,Gotta support the team.
ELAINE,You know I really hate my clothes.,JERRY,Hm.
ELAINE,"I open up my closet, there's just nothing.",JERRY,Hm.
ELAINE,"Nothing. I hate everything I have, I really hate it. (The weeping increases in volume and intensity) I mean, at this point, it's like I can wear something three or four times and that's it.",JERRY,Hm.
ELAINE,It's getting to be a terrible problem for me.,JERRY,"(noticing Alec Berg walk in, whispers) Hey, Alec!"
KRAMER,Oh.,JERRY,"I mean, do you think it's possible that he's mad at me because he didn't get the day-after 'thank you'?"
GEORGE,"Wait a minute, you were at a funeral, right?",JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,"Well, people never give a good 'hello' at a funeral. I mean, they go like this (George gives an extremely understated nod) That's the biggest.",JERRY,"Yeah, yeah, that's kinda what he gave me."
GEORGE,"Hey, they can't go, ""Hey! You look fabulous!""",JERRY,Hey.
KRAMER,The monkey.,JERRY,Well?
KRAMER,"Nothing doing. Jerry, I didn't do anything. It's the monkey that should be apologizing to me.",JERRY,"Well, I don't think that's gonna happen."
GEORGE,Oh my god.,JERRY,What?
GEORGE,She probably never heard it. Don't you see what this means? It's like the whole thing never happened. It's like when Superman reversed the rotation of the earth to save Lois Lane!,JERRY,Are you gonna say it again?
GEORGE,I'm gonna do it.,JERRY,"What? After what you just went through, I thought you said you'd never say it again."
KRAMER,What's going on?,JERRY,He's gonna talk into her other ear.
KRAMER,"Oh. Well listen, I almost forgot to ask you. What happened at the funeral? Now, did you talk to Alec berg?",JERRY,"Yeah, I saw him."
KRAMER,"Alright, so he's gonna give you the hockey tickets, huh?",JERRY,"Well, not exactly."
KRAMER,"He's mad, isn't he? See, I knew it.",JERRY,I don't know if he's mad.
KRAMER,"Alright, so what happened when you saw him?",JERRY,"Well, I didn't really get a good 'hello', but see, I was at a funeral."
KRAMER,Uh huh.,JERRY,"See, so I don't know if I got a funeral 'hello' or he was mad because he didn't get his day-after 'thank you'."
KRAMER,"See, I told you, Jerry, I told you!",JERRY,"Look, what do you want me to do?"
KRAMER,I want you to get on this phone and give him his 'thank you'!,JERRY,"No. No, I can't!"
KRAMER,"Jerry, this is the way society functions. Aren't you a part of society? Because if you don't want to be a part of society, Jerry, why don't you just get in your car and move to the East Side!",JERRY,"Look, we got five hours before the game. I am betting it was a funeral 'hello'. He knows we're here, he knows the number, he knows we want to go. There's plenty of time for him to call and give us the tickets."
GEORGE,Yeah. Just confirming.,JERRY,"Hello? Oh, hi mom. No, listen, I was expecting somebody else. I'm sorry, I can't talk now, I gotta keep the line clear, I'll call you later. Yes, I know I have call waiting but I don't trust it in an emergency. Good bye."
KRAMER,Well? Did he call?,JERRY,No.
KRAMER,"Oh, come on, Jerry! Come on, this is stupid! It's six o'clock! It's all over, just pick up the phone and thank him!",JERRY,"Alright! (picks up the phone and dials) Hello, Alec? Hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld. You know, you got a great 'John Houseman' name. Alec Berg. Did you hand in your assignment, Mr. Berg?"
ALEC,"What can I do for you, Jerry?",JERRY,"Well, Alec, the reason I called is I just wanted to thank you for the tickets from the other night."
ALEC,"I wish you'd called me earlier, I could have given you my tickets for tonight.",JERRY,"Oh, you already gave them away?"
ALEC,"Yeah, but you know what? I have a friend, he's got a couple of seats. If you don't mind the nose bleed section, they're yours.",JERRY,"No, we don't care, we just want to go."
GENNICE,(Crying) (sob sob),JERRY,"(To himself) Now what am I supposed to do here? Shall I go over there? It's not like somebody died. It's ""Beaches"" for god's sake. If she was sitting next to me I'd put my arm around her. I can't be making a big move like going all the way over there. I can't. I won't."
GEORGE,Where were you?,JERRY,I was sitting on the chair. She was over here on the couch.
GEORGE,"Well you know, if you were sitting right next to her you'd have to console her no matter what.",JERRY,Of course.
GEORGE,"When you're talking about a movie like ""Beaches"", moving from the chair to the couch , . . . that's quite a voyage.",JERRY,"yeah,"
KRAMER,Where you going?,JERRY,"The Improv is playing ""Rochelle Rochelle"" The musical."
KRAMER,Really? What is Bette Midler playing? Is she going to be there?,JERRY,She might be. She's the star of the show.
GEORGE,Gennice palying today?,JERRY,"Yeah, maybe."
KRAMER,Who's Gennice?,JERRY,That's the understudy. I'm dating her.
KRAMER,"Oh, uh, is this uh, Bette Midler's understudy?",JERRY,Yeah.
KRAMER,"Oh, understudies are a very shifty bunch. The substitute teachers of the theater world.",JERRY,I'm glad she's an understudy. I don't have to avoid going back stage and having to think of something to say.
GEORGE,Going backstage is the worst. Especially when they stink. You know that's a real problem.,JERRY,Just once I would like to tell someone they stink. You know what? I doidn't like the show. I didn't like you. It just really stunk. The whole thingreal bad. Stinkaroo. Thanks for the tickets though.
ELAINE,The Korean women were talking about me. I think they were calling me a dog.,JERRY,How would you know? You don't speak Korean.
KRAMER,"You know, maybe in Korean ""dog"" isn't an insult. Could be like the word ""fox"" to us. Oh, she's a DOG!",JERRY,Why don't you go to another nail shop?
ELAINE,"Because they're the best Jerry, the best. Look. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.",JERRY,What you need is a translator to go in the shop with you and tell you what they're saying.
ELAINE,"Yeah, who speaks Korean?",JERRY,You know who speaks Korean?
ELAINE,"No, who?",JERRY,George's father.
ELAINE,You gotta' be kidding me. How does he speak Korean?,JERRY,He used to go there a lot on business.
ELAINE,What did he do?,JERRY,"He sold religious articles the statues of Jesus, the virgin Mary, that were manufactured in Korea."
ELAINE,"Uh,",JERRY,"George, does your father speak Korean?"
GEORGE,"Yeah, he once bumped into reverend Yung Sun Moon.",JERRY,"Oh, hi Gennice."
GENNICE,Hi Jerry.,JERRY,"This is George, this is Kramer."
GENNICE,Nice to meet you.,JERRY,Playing today?
GENNICE,No. I'm on the bench today.,JERRY,They really stick to that understudy rule.
GENNICE,"Oh, yeah, she'll be here. . . .(DROPS HOT DOG) Oh no, my frankfurter, my frankfurter fell (sob sob sob sob) . It was really good. I can't believe that I dropped it. (sob sob sob sob)",JERRY,"It's okayit's just a hot dog, (still sobbing) everything is going to be okay."
BETTE,Move it in. Move in everybody. Get your shrimp here. Shrimp on special today!,JERRY,"Come on George, just loosen up."
KRAMER,I GOT THE PINEAPPLE.  I GOT THE PINEAPPLE.,JERRY,(to George) Keep going.
GENNICE,. . . Thank you. (hugs Jerry and George),JERRY,Well we
GENNICE,"No, please. This is the first time in my life (sobs) that anyone has ever done anything like this for me. I've always had to struggle so hard for everything I ever got. (sobbing) and I know this is going to be my big break. (sobbing)",JERRY,(with no emotion) It's okay. Everything is going to be all right.
KRAMER,"Come on Jerry, open up. I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!",JERRY,Come back another time.
ELAINE,Oh!,JERRY,"I don't know why I have to go to the hospital. I didn't do anything to Bette Midler. Driver can you stop over here, we're picking somebody up."
GEORGE,So what? Somebody dropped an egg on my head as I went into my building last night.,JERRY,"Hey, I'm being heckled on stage. People are yelling out Galloogy."
GENNICE,I'm having a little trouble with all this. I mean all I ever wanted to do is sing. Now I'm the focus of this big media frenzy. (sob) Nobody in the show will even talk to me.,JERRY,Stop your crying will ya?
CABBIE,Wait. Wait. I know you. You knocked Bette Midler out of Rochelle Rochelle the Musical. I want you creeps out of my cab.,JERRY,"Hey, I had nothing to do with it."
KRAMER,"Oh, so look who's here. What do you want.",JERRY,We just want to talk to her. We want to apologize and tell her the whole thing was an accident.
KRAMER,"No, no. I'm sorry it's out of the question.",JERRY,What?
RUBY,We'll see you inside.,JERRY,What happened?
ELAINE,"Well I felt bad about the spying, so you know, ,I got them tickets to the show.",JERRY,"Oh,, that's nice. Alright, I'll see you later."
ELAINE,"Wait, wait. I didn't get to tell you about my new job.",JERRY,Where?
ELAINE,Writing for the J. Peterman catalogue.,JERRY,(pushing her) How did you get that?
ELAINE,I met him.,JERRY,You met J. Peterman?
ELAINE,yeah.,JERRY,What is he like?
ELAINE,"He wore a classic courtman's duster. beige corduroy collar, 100% cotton canvas, high waist, nine pockets, six on the outside, great for running along side a train, (Jerry walking away) waving last goodbyes, posing on a veranda, Men's sizes ...",JERRY,"(walking away) Yeah, I'll see ya'."
ELAINE,". . . Small, Medium, Large, XL, Double...",JERRY,"Well, break a leg tonight."
STAGEHAND,"Here you got a telegram. Well, look who's here.",JERRY,"Listen buddy,"
GENNICE,How do you like this?,JERRY,What is it?
GENNICE,My grandmother died.,JERRY,"Oh, I'm so sorry."
GENNICE,"Oh, it's okay,",JERRY,So you don't cry when your grandmother dies? But a hotdog makes you lose control?
GENNICE,I gotta go.,JERRY,Good luck.
ELAINE,Shut up! Shut up! You stupid mutt.,JERRY,And you broke up with her 'cuz she beat you at chess? That's pretty sick.
GEORGE,"I don't see how I could perform sexually in a situation after something like that. I was completely emasculated. Anyway, it's not the only reason.",JERRY,"Yeah, what else?"
GEORGE,"All right. You wanna know what one of her favorite expressions is? Happy, Pappy?",JERRY,"Happy, Pappy? What does that mean?"
GEORGE,"Like if she wants to know if I'm pleased with something, she'll say, ""Happy, Pappy?""",JERRY,"Oh, you're ""Pappy""."
GEORGE,"I'm ""Pappy"".",JERRY,"Oh, I get it. Why don't you just say it?"
GEORGE,"Oh, come on. What, are you kidding? GEORGE I'm much more comfortable criticizing people behind there backs. Anyway, look who's talking. You just broke up with with Melanie last week because she ""shuushed you"" while you were watching TV.",JERRY,"Hey, I got a real thing about ""shushing""!"
GEORGE,What is this? Did you ever get the feeling like you've had a haircut but you didn't have one? I'm all itchy back here.,JERRY,Ahh.
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,What is this? What are we doing? What in god's name are we doing?
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,OUR LIVES!! . What kind of lives are these? We're like children. We're not men.
GEORGE,"No, we're not. We're not men.",JERRY,We come up with all these stupid reasons to break up with these women.
GEORGE,I know. I know. That's what I do. That's what I do.,JERRY,Are we going to be sitting here when we're sixty like two idiots?
GEORGE,. We should be having dinner with our sons when we're sixty.,JERRY,We're pathetic you know that?
GEORGE,"Yeah, Like I don't know that I'm pathetic.",JERRY,Why can't I be normal?
GEORGE,"Yes. Me, too. I wanna be normal. Normal.",JERRY,It would be nice to care about someone.
GEORGE,Yes. Yes. Care. You know who I think about a lot? Remember SUSAN ? The one that used to work for NBC?,JERRY,Hmm. I thought she became a lesbian.
GEORGE,No. It didn't take.,JERRY,Oh.
GEORGE,"Did I tell you I ran into her last week? Ho-ho, she looked great.",JERRY,Hmm.
GEORGE,"You thought she was good looking, right?",JERRY,"See, there you go again. What is the difference what I think?"
GEORGE,I was just curious.,JERRY,"Well, this is it. I'm really gonna do something about my life, you know? You know, I think I'm gonna call Melanie again. So what if she shushed me. GEORGE, I am really gonna make some changes."
GEORGE,Yes. Changes.,JERRY,I'm serious about it.
GEORGE,Think I'M not?,JERRY,I'm not kidding.
[At JERRY,'s. He's on the phone],JERRY,"Melanie, you can shush me at every opportunity. 5? 3? Oh, it was just an expression. All right, well, that's very sweet of you. Okay, I'll call you later. All right, bye. Hey!"
KRAMER,What?,JERRY,I had a very interesting lunch with GEORGE Costanza today.
KRAMER,Really?,JERRY,We were talking about our lives and we both kind of realized we're kids. We're not men.
KRAMER,"So, then you asked yourselves, ""Isn't there something more to life?""",JERRY,Yes. We did.
KRAMER,"Yeah, well, let me clue you in on something. There isn't.",JERRY,There isn't?
KRAMER,"Absolutely not. I mean, what are you thinking about, JERRY? Marriage? Family?",JERRY,Well...
KRAMER,They're prisons. Man made prisons. You're doing time. You get up in the morning. She's there. You go to sleep at night. She's there. It's like you gotta ask permission to use the bathroom. Is it all right if I use the bathroom now?,JERRY,Really?
KRAMER,"Yeah, and you can forget about watching TV while you're eating.",JERRY,I can?
KRAMER,"Oh, yeah. You know why? Because it's dinner time. And you know what you do at dinner?",JERRY,What?
KRAMER,"You talk about your day. How was your day today? Did you have a good day today or a bad day today? Well, what kind of day was it? Well, I don't know. How about you? How was your day?",JERRY,Boy.
KRAMER,"It's sad , Jerry. It's a sad state of affairs..",JERRY,I'm glad we had this talk.
KRAMER,"Well, what if there should be an unfortunate accident?",JERRY,You're going to rub out the dog?
ELAINE,Uh-huh.,JERRY,"What, you're considering this?"
NEWMAN,Excellent. Excellent.,JERRY,How come you're eating your peas one at a time?
FRANK,"Can I talk to her, please?",JERRY,Hey!
KRAMER,Hey!,JERRY,What are you up to?
KRAMER,Nothing.,JERRY,What's the rope for?
KRAMER,"Oh! Well, How do you like that. I got rope. Um, I gotta go.",JERRY,The dog. You're getting the dog.
GEORGE,"Don't go. Kramer! Come back. I got great news. Well, I did it.",JERRY,Did what?
GEORGE,I got engaged. I'm getting married. I asked Susan to marry me. We're getting married this Christmas.,JERRY,You're getting married?
GEORGE,Yes!,JERRY,"Oh, my god!"
GEORGE,"I'm a man. Jerry, I'm a man. And do you know why? It's because of that talk we had. You were my inspiration. Do you believe it? You. That lunch was the defining moment of my life.",JERRY,I'm blown away.
GEORGE,You're blown?,JERRY,Wow!
GEORGE,You like that?,JERRY,"And she said ""Yes""?"
GEORGE,"It took a couple of hours of convincing. I was persistent. I was just like those guys in the movies. And it worked! She said ""Yes""! I can't believe my luck that she was still available . A beautiful woman like that. You think she's good looking, right?",JERRY,You're gonna have gorgeous kids.
GEORGE,Yes. She's got great skin - a rosy glow..,JERRY,Pinkish hue?
GEORGE,"Oh, she's got the hue. So, what's going on with you and Melanie? I mean, I know you're not getting married, but uh, things are happening?",JERRY,"Well...actually, we kind of broke up."
GEORGE,You what?,JERRY,"Well, you know, we were having dinner the other night, and she's got this strangest habit. She eats her peas one at a time. You've never seen anything like it. It takes her an hour to finish them. I mean, we've had dinner other times. I've seen her eat Corn Niblets. But she scooped them."
GEORGE,. . . she scooped her niblets?,JERRY,Yes. That's what was so vexing.
GEORGE,Uh-huh. Uh-huh. What about the pact?,JERRY,What?
GEORGE,What happened to the pact? We were both gonna change. We shook hands on a pact. Did you not shake my hand on it uh?,JERRY,"You stuck your hand out, so I shook it. I don't know about a pact. Anyway, you should be happy you're engaged. You're getting married."
GEORGE,"Well, it's not that. I just, you know, I thought that we were both uh...",JERRY,You thought I was gonna get married?
GEORGE,"Well, maybe not married, but...",JERRY,"I mean, you love Susan, right?"
GEORGE,Yeah.,JERRY,You want to spend the rest of your life with her
GEORGE,. . . . . . Yeah.,JERRY,So?
GEORGE,Yeah. It doesn't make any difference.,JERRY,"No. So, we're still on to see uh, Firestorm tonight?"
GEORGE,Yeah.,JERRY,I'll pick you up at your apartment. We'll go to the Eight.
GEORGE,Yeah.,JERRY,"Hey, wait a second. Wait a second. ! Celebrate! How about some champagne?"
GEORGE,Champagne?,JERRY,"Yes, come on! How often do you get engaged? Come on!"
GEORGE,Okay! Alright!,JERRY,You know what? No champagne. Anyway. . . I'll see you later.
NEWMAN,All right. I'm going in. Keep the motor running.,JERRY,Ready?
GEORGE,"Um, I don't uh, really think I can go.",JERRY,"Oh, how come?"
GEORGE,"Well, I didn't really tell Susan about it, and she doesn't really have anything else to do.",JERRY,"Well, she could come."
GEORGE,"Well, she doesn't really want to see Firestorm.",JERRY,Oh.
GEORGE,"She um, she wants to see The Muted Heart.",JERRY,"Oh, The Muted Heart. Glen Close. Sally Field. Well, that should be good."
GEORGE,Yeah. see you later.,JERRY,"Hey, wait a second. You know, we could share a cab. They're playing at the same Cineplex."
GEORGE,"Okay, I guess I'll see you down there.",JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,"Oh, I sure hope so.",JERRY,"How about when Harrison Ford jumped out of that plane, and he was shooting back at them as he was falling?"
FRIEND,What about that underwater escape?,JERRY,"Oh, man!"
GEORGE,Hello?,JERRY,"Hey, ??? is rerunning the Yankee game. You watching this?"
GEORGE,"Uh, yeah, I'll be there in a minute.",JERRY,What was that?
GEORGE,"Uh, nothing. I got to go.",JERRY,"Oh, Mattingly just singled ."
GEORGE,"You know, it was really wrong of you to back out on that deal.",JERRY,I didn't make a deal. I just shook your hand.
GEORGE,"Yeah, Well that's a deal where I come from.",JERRY,We come from the same place.
ELAINE,"I don't know. I don't know how it happened. We were practically in Monticello. I mean, how could that thing have found its way back? There's no way.",JERRY,Very strange.
ELAINE,I know.,JERRY,"So, tell me anyway. Who was the BIG mastermind?"
ELAINE,"Oh, I can't Jerry. 4I'm sworn to secrecy.",JERRY,All right. But then I can't tell you the BIG news.
ELAINE,News? What news?,JERRY,Sorry!
ELAINE,What? What?,JERRY,"All right, Elaine but this is beyond news. This is like Pearl Harbor. Or the Kennedy assassination. It's like not even news. It's total shock."
ELAINE,"Oh, come on, Jerry. Please, please, please, please, please!",JERRY,George Costanza...
ELAINE,Yeah?,JERRY,Is getting married!
COP,I have a receipt for a rental car with your signature. Including a report with some damage to the rear seat. It seems the spring was so compressed it completely collapsed the right side..,JERRY,Newman.
ELAINE,"Hey, good news. My dog problem has been solved.",JERRY,Really? What happened?
ELAINE,"Well, there's this rabbi in my building. You've met him. Very nice man.",JERRY,Isn't he the one with the show on cable?
ELAINE,"Yea, yeah, yeah,. So I spoke to him about the dog. He went down. Talked to the owner. She agr4eed to keep the dog inside from now on.",JERRY,That's great.
ELAINE,I know.,JERRY,That looks pretty good.
ELAINE,He's in.,JERRY,"Hey, say, you know, we haven't even discussed George's engagement yet."
ELAINE,What's to discuss?,JERRY,Come on! GEORGE is getting married!
GEORGE,(To himself) How am I gonna do this? I'm engaged to this woman? She doesn't even like me. Change the subject? Toilets were the subject. We don't even share the same interests.,JERRY,"Yeah, he seems pretty happy."
ELAINE,"Well, that's all that counts, I guess.",JERRY,What's the matter?
ELAINE,"Oh, nothin'.",JERRY,"Well, you don't seem too enthused about the whole thing."
ELAINE,"Well, what do you want me to do?",JERRY,"Well, at least have some reaction to it."
ELAINE,"Well, I don't.",JERRY,Maybe you're a little jealous.
ELAINE,"Oh, what? You think I wanna marry George?",JERRY,"No! But maybe you wish it was you who was getting married, not him."
ELAINE,"Oh, please! That is the last thing that I want.",JERRY,"Oh, yeah. Right."
ELAINE,"Yeah, right.",JERRY,Lainy!
ELAINE,Jerry!,JERRY,You don't wanna get married?
ELAINE,"Yeah, that's right. I don't wanna get married.",JERRY,"Oh, come on!"
ELAINE,"Oh, you come on.",JERRY,You're such...
KRAMER,"Oh, hey!",JERRY,Hey.
KRAMER,"It can never be erased. It'll follow us wherever we go for the rest of our lives. I'll never be able to get a job. I mean, doesn't that concern you? Everything I've worked for...down the drain because of one stupid mistake. I mean, aren't we entitled to make one mistake in our lives, Jerry?",JERRY,We're gonna change the system.
RABBI,Come upstairs. We'll have a talk.,JERRY,Hey!
GEORGE,I want your honest opinion about something.,JERRY,Have I ever been less than forthright?
GEORGE,"No, you haven't. Well, maybe you have. What do I know.",JERRY,"Yeah, I probably have. Yeah, of course I have. What am I talking about?"
GEORGE,"All right. Okay, tell me what you think about this idea Extend the doors on the toilet stalls at Yankee Stadium all the way to the floor.",JERRY,Extend the doors on the toilet stalls at Yankee Stadium to the floor ...door comes down. Hides your feet. Yes. I like it. I like it a lot.
GEORGE,"It's good, right?",JERRY,I think it's fantastic. I think it's a fantastic idea.
GEORGE,You do?,JERRY,"Yes, I do."
GEORGE,"Well, I told it to Susan before, and she didn't like it.",JERRY,Hmm.
GEORGE,"Yeah. Not only that, this is what she said to me, ""Can we change the subject?""",JERRY,"See, now that I don't care for."
GEORGE,"Right. I mean, we're on a subject. Why does it have to be changed?",JERRY,It should resolve of its own volition.
GEORGE,"That's exactly what I said, except I used the word ""momentum"".",JERRY,Momentum - same thing.
GEORGE,"Same thing. My god, I'm getting married in December, do you know that?",JERRY,"Yeah, I know."
GEORGE,"Well, I don't see how I'm gonna make December. I mean, I need a little more time. I mean, look at me I'm a nervous wreck. My stomach aches. My neck is killing me. I can't turn. Look. Look.",JERRY,You're turning.
GEORGE,"Nah, it's not a good turn. December. December. Don't you think we should have a little more time just to get to know each other a little.",JERRY,"If you need more time, you should have more time."
GEORGE,"What, you think I could postpone it?",JERRY,Sure you can. Why not?
GEORGE,That's allowed? You're allowed to postpone it?,JERRY,I don't see why not.
GEORGE,"So, I could do that?",JERRY,"Sure, go ahead."
GEORGE,"All right! All right. I'll tell you what. How about this? Got the date; March 21st, the first day of spring.",JERRY,Spring. Of course.
GEORGE,Huh? You know? Spring. Rejuvenation. Rebirth. Everything's blooming. All that crap.,JERRY,Beautiful.
GEORGE,She's not gonna like it.,JERRY,"No, she's not."
GEORGE,"You know, I think I'm a little bit scared of her. She's five-three, like a hundred pounds. I'm frightened to death of her.",JERRY,"Well, she's a woman. They don't like to be disappointed."
GEORGE,"Especially her. She does not like disappointment. Well, I have to do it. I can't make December. There's no way I can make December. Right? I mean, you can see that, right? I mean, look at me. Look. Look. Can I make December? I can't make December. Right? Look. Look.",JERRY,"Yeah, you'd better shoot for March."
GEORGE,"March 21st. Hey! So, you're gonna back me on this, right?",JERRY,"Oh, all the way."
GEORGE,You are a good friend. You know what? Even if you killed somebody I wouldn't turn you in.,JERRY,Is that so?
KRAMER,Definitely.,JERRY,You're kidding?
KRAMER,"No, no, I would turn you in.",JERRY,You would turn me in?
KRAMER,"Phwap, I wouldn't even think about it.",JERRY,I can't believe your a friend of mine.
KRAMER,What kind of person are you going around killing people?,JERRY,"Well, I am sure I had a good reason."
KRAMER,"Well,, if you'll kill this person, who's to say I wouldn't be next?",JERRY,But you know me!
RABBI,He owns a flower store. Very successful.,JERRY,So you're nothing but a stoolie. Admit it.
KRAMER,"Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time.",JERRY,Another Caf Latte?
KRAMER,Since when are you so trendy?,JERRY,"Hey, baby. I set the trends. Who do you think started this whole Caf Latte?"
KRAMER,I've been drinking Caf Latte since the fifth grade and I haven't looked back.,JERRY,"Hey, Planet 9 From Outer Space is playing tomorrow night. One show only."
KRAMER,I've always wanted to see this.,JERRY,You know I was supposed to see this five years ago. I was in a Chinese restaurant with George and Elaine and got all screwed up trying to get a table and I missed it.
KRAMER,"Well, yeah, lets do it uh?",JERRY,"Look at this Jerry, dropping paper on the ground. That's littering."
GEORGE,"Yeah, yeah, sure, Christmas. Snow. Santa. All that stuff.",JERRY,Let me take a guess. She cried and you caved.
GEORGE,How did you know that?,JERRY,I live and breath my friend. . . . I live and breath.
GEORGE,I got to tell you I felt terrible. I really thought she was going to collapse and kill herself.,JERRY,"tes, it's very difficult. Few men have the constitution for it. That's why breakups take two or three tries. You gotta build up your immunity."
GEORGE,You see those tears streaming down you don't know what to do. It was like she was on fire and I was trying to put her out.,JERRY,"Well, at least you probably had some, uh, pretty good make-up sex after."
GEORGE,I didn't have any sex.,JERRY,You didn't have make-up sex? How could you not have make-up sex? I mean that's the best feature of the heavy relationship.
GEORGE,I didn't have make-up sex.,JERRY,In your situation the only sex you're going to have better than make-up sex is if you're dent to prison and you have a conjugal visit.
GEORGE,This is amazing. (George gets up to leave and shake's man's hand) Thank you. Thank you very much. . . . I'm going back in! . . . You'll feel better (to woman),JERRY,. . . Poor bastard.
RABBI,Good evening. And how does this evening find you?,JERRY,"Well, Rabbi, well."
RABBI,"I trust you are here to see your friend, Elaine.",JERRY,"Yeah, that's right."
RABBI,I hope she's feeling better.,JERRY,What do you mean?
RABBI,She didn't tell you?,JERRY,No.
RABBI,Well it seems the engagement of her ffriend George has left her feeling bitter and hostile.,JERRY,is that so?
RABBI,"Yes, in fact she told me that she wishes she was the one getting married.",JERRY,Really?
RABBI,She came off as pretty desperate.,JERRY,I didn't know any of this.
RABBI,Apparently she doesn't think much of this George fellow either. I recall the word loser peppered throughout her conversation.,JERRY,"Hum, well it all comes as news to me."
ELAINE,I've got that magazine article for you.,JERRY,You iknow I talked to the rabbi outside.
ELAINE,Are you,JERRY,Understand you had a little talk with him too.
ELAINE,"Yeah, talked earlier.",JERRY,"Yes I know, I know."
ELAINE,. . . What does that mean?,JERRY,"Nothing, nothing."
ELAINE,He didn't mention . . .,JERRY,Yes he did.
ELAINE,He told you about our conversation?,JERRY,We had quite a little chat.
ELAINE,He told you about . . .,JERRY,"Yes, about how you're very jealous of George. How you wished it was you who were getting married instead of him."
ELAINE,He told you all that? How could he?,JERRY,"It didn't take much prodding either, I must say."
ELAINE,Can he do that?,JERRY,He did it.
ELAINE,But he's a Rabbi! How can a Rabbi have such a big mouth?,JERRY,That's what's so fascinating.
KRAMER,Why not?,JERRY,Because they don't allow outside drinks into the movie.
KRAMER,Well that's stupid,JERRY,That's the rule.
ELAINE,"my god, you didn't.",JERRY,"Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me"
ELAINE,But the whole thing is a mess. He told everyone in the building. I met that cute guy on the fifth floor. I mean he could barely bring himself to nod.,JERRY,"Elaine, if I could say a word here about Jewish people. That man in no way represents our ability to take in a nice piece of juicy gossip and keep it to ourselves."
ELAINE,"You didn't say this to George, did you?",JERRY,"No, . . . about how you wish it was YOU who was getting married instead of him? Feelings of resentment, hostility?"
GEORGE,"Yeah! Boy, she is something, isn't she?",JERRY,"Yeah, she's something else. Hey, so what happened? Did you hold your ground or...uh"
GEORGE,Nope. I wept like a baby.,JERRY,What?
GEORGE,"Well, I started to tell her and then all of the sudden, for some reason, I just burst into tears.",JERRY,You cried?
"JERRY, GEORGE, & KRAMER",Hey!,JERRY,Sorry about that movie-thing. I was joking around.
KRAMER,"Sorry? Are you kidding? You did me the biggest favor of my life. I spoke to a lawyer, we're suing for millions.",JERRY,Suing? What for?
KRAMER,The coffee was too hot.,JERRY,It's supposed to be hot.
GEORGE,"Ya know, I was just a little surprised.",JERRY,Why would anyone eat canned fruit? I mean can anybody answer that?
ELAINE,"I don't know where the rabbi got that. Ya know I never said that. I said ""I've never seen you looser"".",JERRY,"I can see the can if you're in the army, but fresh fruit it's available, it's there, it's 2 aisles over."
GEORGE,"(Gets up to leave) Well, scintillating as always.",JERRY,Where you going?
GEORGE,"Yeah, it's her uncle's.",JERRY,Discount?
[Setting,Elaine and Jerry are in Jerry's apartment.],JERRY,"So ah, what did you do last night?"
ELAINE,Nothing.,JERRY,"I know nothing, but what did you actually do?"
ELAINE,Literally nothing. I sat in a chair and I stared.,JERRY,Wow. That really is nothing.
ELAINE,Hey.,JERRY,What are you all dressed up for?
KRAMER,Oh I ah just came from a meeting with my lawyer.,JERRY,"Oh yeah, how's that looking?"
KRAMER,"Yeah, well you wouldn't be on that jury. He would have weeded you out.",JERRY,Frankly I'm surprised you're so litigious.
MAESTRO,Fine.,JERRY,Hi Bob.
KRAMER,Oh Tuscany huh? Hear that Jerry? That's in Italy.,JERRY,I hear it's ah beautiful there.
MAESTRO,Well if you're thinking of getting a place there don't bother. There's really nothing available.,JERRY,(Surprised) Huh?
ELAINE,I might be Elaine.,JERRY,"This is a, Bob Cobb."
KRAMER,You know you hurt the Maestro's feelings.,JERRY,"Oh what, because I didn't call him Maestro?"
KRAMER,That's right.,JERRY,Ya know I feel a little funny calling somebody Maestro.
KRAMER,Why?,JERRY,Because it's a stupid thing to be called.
KRAMER,Jerry he's a conductor.,JERRY,Oh conductor. He conducts the Policeman's Benevolent Association Orchestra.
KRAMER,"Well, he's still a conductor.",JERRY,Well he sure worked pretty fast with Elaine.
[Setting,Monks Cafe. George and Jerry are sitting across from each other],JERRY,New shirt?
GEORGE,Yeah. You like it.,JERRY,"No, not particularly."
GEORGE,"Why, the color?",JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,Too flashy?,JERRY,"Yeah, it's burning my retina. Susan picked that out for you right?"
GEORGE,(Obviously lying) No.,JERRY,(Reaches for a menu) All right what's it going to be here.
GEORGE,"Let me ask you something. When you go into a store, does it bother you that they make the security guard just stand there all day?",JERRY,No.
GEORGE,"See, didn't bother Susan either. That's why I'm different. I can sense the slightest human suffering.",JERRY,Are you sensing anything right now?
GEORGE,"Let me just say this. It is inhumane to make a man stand on his feet, in one spot for eight hours a day. Why shouldn't he have a chair?",JERRY,"Well, what about criminal activity? He's got to be alert."
GEORGE,"What, he can't jump out of the chair? How long does that take? Here look at this. (he moves to the end of the booth) Here, watch. (stands up) Criminals. Boom. I'm up. (pretends he's shooting) Stop It! Stop It! Stop It!",JERRY,Maybe they offered him a chair and he turned it down.
GEORGE,Would you get out of here. Who's gonna turn down a chair? I would be very interested to know how he felt about all of this. Maybe I'll have a talk with him.,JERRY,I know you will.
GEORGE,Who?,JERRY,His lawyer.
KRAMER,"Yeah, Java World wants to settle.",JERRY,What?
KRAMER,"Yeah, I'm gonna be rich.",JERRY,Why are they settling?
KRAMER,Cause their afraid of bad publicity.,JERRY,All this because you spilled coffee on yourself?
KRAMER,Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry my burn is gone look.(shows Jerry the burn area).,JERRY,What do you mean?
KRAMER,"Well I put that Chinese balm on that the Maestro gave me. And look, it healed it.",JERRY,So?
KRAMER,So? My lawsuit. I'm finished.,JERRY,I thought they wanted to settle.
KRAMER,Well what happens if they want to see it?,JERRY,Then you're in a lot of trouble.
[Setting,Elaine and Jerry walking on the sidewalk in NYC],JERRY,Did you have a good time?
ELAINE,"Yeah, he's very interesting. Did you know that Mozart died while he was writing 'The Requiem'.",JERRY,"(Sarcastically) Yeah, everyone knows that, it was in Amadeus."
ELAINE,Really?,JERRY,"So what about the ""Maestro"" stuff. Did he make you call him Maestro."
ELAINE,"Yeah, I called him Maestro.",JERRY,You didn't mind?
ELAINE,"Well, I did at first, but actually I kind of got used to it.",JERRY,"O.K. from now on I want you to call me ""Jerry the Great""."
ELAINE,"I am not calling you ""Jerry the Great"".",JERRY,Why not you call him Maestro.
ELAINE,He is a Maestro.,JERRY,"Well, I'm great."
ELAINE,So you say.,JERRY,"What about his house in Tuscany, he mention that?"
ELAINE,Yeah. (bragging) I'm invited.,JERRY,"You know when I told him it was beautiful there, out of the clear blue sky he says there's nothing to rent. As if he doesn't want anyone else there."
ELAINE,Why?,JERRY,I don't know. Maybe he's embarrassed by Americans.
ELAINE,"Yeah, well maybe there aren't any houses to rent there.",JERRY,In all of Tuscany? I wonder.
ELAINE,Yeah.,JERRY,Hey you know we were just talking about you.
MAESTRO,Oh yeah?,JERRY,"Yeah, ya know the other day how you mentioned that there were no houses available in Tuscany?"
MAESTRO,"You didn't find one, did you?",JERRY,No. I'm not really looking.
MAESTRO,Nor should you.,JERRY,So are you telling me there's not one house to rent in all of Tuscany?
MAESTRO,"The houses are passed down from generation to generation, it's very hard.",JERRY,"I can't get a sublet, a guest room, a cot, nothing?"
ELAINE,It's BOOKED Jerry!,JERRY,How'd you get yours?
MAESTRO,"Got lucky. Come on, Elaine, let's take a ride, I was about to pop in some Verdi.",JERRY,Maybe I'll check out France.
GEORGE,Who?,JERRY,Bob Cobb.
GEORGE,Bob Cobb?,JERRY,"You know, the Maestro."
GEORGE,Oh I missed the Maestro?,JERRY,"Yeah, get this, he tells me there are no houses any where in Tuscany to rent."
GEORGE,Huh. Your renting a house in Tuscany?,JERRY,No.
[Setting,Monk's cafe. George and Jerry are sitting at the booth],JERRY,I just wish I could figure out if this guy is trying to keep me out of Tuscany.
GEORGE,Of course he is. There's got to be houses for rent in Tuscany. Do you know how big Tuscany is?,JERRY,I have no idea.
GEORGE,It it's huge. It's probably like North Dakota.,JERRY,"Oh, no way it's that big."
GEORGE,It's a big region.,JERRY,Do you know how big North Dakota is stupid?
GEORGE,I don't know why I bother even talking to you.,JERRY,"Hey, no one's got a gun to your head."
GEORGE,So I spoke to the security guard.,JERRY,Yeah and?
GEORGE,"Well it's tough to get a good read but I think if I brought him a chair, he'd sit.",JERRY,So are you gonna get him a chair?
GEORGE,Yup. It's really just a question of what kind. Thinking about a bar stool.,JERRY,"Yeah, that would give him some height, be able to check things out. With a back or without."
GEORGE,Oh I think I'd go for the back.,JERRY,Swivel?
GEORGE,I suppose he could swivel. Hey maybe one of those director's chairs. What do you think of those.,JERRY,I thinks it's kind of a pompous look. You know my parents used to have a kitchen chair that would have been perfect.
GEORGE,You mean one of those vinyl things?,JERRY,Yes.
GEORGE,"Vinyl yeah, maybe.",JERRY,How can I figure out if there's any places to rent in Tuscany? Wait a minute. Poppy's from Tuscany. I'm gonna go call him.
[Setting,"On the street in the city, George and Jerry are talking]",JERRY,"Poppy told me to talk to his cousin, he lives down in Little Italy."
KRAMER,"(Speaking very fast and fidgety) You can't put a limit on my cafe lattes, it says so right here. And I don't want to get dirty looks when I come in here. If I want a cafe latte, you give me a cafe latte. And if I have any problems I'm gonna get my lawyer Jackie Chiles down here and your gonna be in really big trouble.",JERRY,"Hey hey hey, slow down Eddie. What what's the matter?"
KRAMER,"Awe there making faces at me cause I've had a couple of cafe lattes. But I'm entitled to them. I can have as many cafe lattes as I want, that was the settlement.",JERRY,That's it?
KRAMER,"That's it. What you want one George? I can get one for you. No problem. Jerry, you want one? They're delicious. My pleasure.",JERRY,You've got to stop it. Your your all hopped up on the caffein.
KRAMER,Well I feel like I'm talking fast but it's very hard to tell.,JERRY,You're racing!
[Setting,Dark room in the back of an Italian restaurant.],JERRY,"Ah, excuse me, I'm looking for a Mr. Giggio."
GIGGIO,"Si, Si, imma Giggio.",JERRY,Poppy sent me to see you Mr. Giggio.
GIGGIO,"Si, Si Poppy.",JERRY,"Um, did he did he mention to you why I called?"
GIGGIO,"Si, the house in Tuscana.",JERRY,"Yeah, right, right. So is there anything there to rent?"
GIGGIO,Si. Two million lira. You give me the check.,JERRY,I didn't actually want to rent it.
GIGGIO,"(To the man) Si, Si.",JERRY,"So see um, I didn't say that I wanted to rent it, I was just wondering if there were houses there to rent."
KRAMER,"Common Jerry, this guy is crazy. Get out.",JERRY,You didn't have to push me.
KRAMER,I didn't push you. How much did you pay that guy?,JERRY,"75,000 lira."
KRAMER,"75,000 lira? Are you out of your mind?",JERRY,Kramer you don't under the conversion rate.
KRAMER,"Oh, conversion rate, oh.",JERRY,You know I don't even know why I brought you.
KRAMER,Nobody put a gun to your head.,JERRY,Not bad!
ELAINE,"Yeah, I've never seen him but I feel like we have this weirdly intimate relationship. I mean, I'm lying in bed, I'm wearing my nightie,",JERRY,I don't know. Blind date?
ELAINE,What? You're going to go out with my cousin Holly. You've never met her.,JERRY,"Yeah, but I've seen pictures of her."
ELAINE,At least I've spoken to my guy. You're going out on a deaf date.,JERRY,I think I'd rather go out on a deaf date than a blind date. The question is whether you'd rather date the blind or the deaf.
GEORGE,Now you're off on a topic.,JERRY,"You know, I think, I would rather date the deaf."
ELAINE,Uh hu.,JERRY,Because I think the blind would probably be a little messier around the house. And lets face it they're not going to get all the crumbs. I'd possibly be walking around with a sponge.
ELAINE,What? What is this?,JERRY,Veggie sandwich and a grapefruit.
ELAINE,Veggie sandwich and a grapefruit? What are you turning into?,JERRY,A healthy person.
GEORGE,"( rubbing his eye) Ow, Ow you squirted me.",JERRY,"Oh, sorry"
WILHELM,I understand.,JERRY,"I still can't believe, you're going out on a blind date."
ELAINE,I'm not worried. It sounds like he's really good looking.,JERRY,You're going by sound? What are we? Whales?
ELAINE,I think I can tell.,JERRY,"Elaine, what percentage of people would you say are good looking?"
ELAINE,Twenty-five percent.,JERRY,"Twenty-five percent, you say? No way! It's like 4 to 6 percent. It's a twenty to one shot."
ELAINE,You're way off.,JERRY,Way off? Have you been to the motor vehicle bureau? It's like a leper colony down there.
ELAINE,So what you are saying is that 90 to 95 percent of the population is undateable?,JERRY,UNDATEABLE!
ELAINE,Then how are all these people getting together?,JERRY,Alcohol.
GEORGE,"Yeah, yeah. You must have squirted a piece of pulp in it too.",JERRY,Pulp couldn't make it across the table.
GEORGE,"Pulp can move, Baby! Why didn't you eat a real breakfast?",JERRY,"Hey, I eat healthy. If I have to take out an eye, that's the breaks."
KRAMER,Hi guys.,JERRY,"Hi,"
HOLLY,I can't believe you've never taken anybody here before.,JERRY,"Well, I'm not really that much of a meat eater."
HOLLY,. . . You don't eat meat? Are you one of those. . .,JERRY,"Well, no, I'm not one of those."
HOLLY,When we were little girls Grandma Memma would take us to a matinee and then dinner here.,JERRY,Grandma Memma?
HOLLY,Elaine must have mentioned Grandma Memma.,JERRY,"No, I think I would have remembered Memma."
HOLLY,"I'll have the porterhouse medium rare, baked potato with sour cream,",JERRY,What do you recommend besides the steak?
WAITER,The lamb chops are good.,JERRY,Anything lighter? How do you prepare the chicken?
WAITER,"It's a full bird. Stuffed with ham, topped with gorganzola.",JERRY,You know what? I think I'll just have the salad.
WAITER,. . . Thank you.,JERRY,(mind's voice) Just a salad? Just a salad? Just a salad?
ELAINE,I just don't understand it as soon as I met these dogs they started growling at me.,JERRY,Maybe his dogs heard about how you tried to kidnap that other dog. These muts like to gossip. So have you talked too Holly?
ELAINE,Huh huh.,JERRY,Did she mention anything about our lunch?
ELAINE,"Uh, kind of.",JERRY,"What do you mean, ""kind of.""?"
ELAINE,"I mean, she thought it was kind of strange to just order a salad. . . . You know. . . . For a man.",JERRY,What are you saying? . . . Salad! What was I thinking? Women don't respect salad eaters.
ELAINE,You got that right.,JERRY,"But you're going over there for dinner tonight, right?"
ELAINE,Um uh.,JERRY,What is she making?
ELAINE,"I don't know. But I'm sure it had, . . . parents. Call her up. She won't mind if you come.",JERRY,"Oh, don't worry. I'll be there and I'll be packing an artery."
HOLLY,Everybody like mutton?,JERRY,"Um, mutton! Hope you didn't cut the fat off."
HOLLY,"Yeah, that was grandma Memma's also. She bought it on her trip to Europe in 1936. Jerry, I'm thrilled you like my mutton. I was afrais you only ate . . . salad.",JERRY,"Hey, salad's got nothin' on this mutton."
HOLLY,That is so funny. Did you just make that up?,JERRY,I wish I could take credit for it. It's actually the line my butcher uses when we're chewing the fat. How about that beautiful desk over there? (hides meat in napkin in jacket)
ELAINE,"What did you do, ransack the place after she died?",JERRY,This is some FINE mutton.
ELAINE,I'm getting out of here. Can I borrow your jacket?,JERRY,"Uh, well, uh the thing is that . . . (Jerry grabs jacket back)"
HOLLY,Where are the napkins?,JERRY,What?
HOLLY,Grandma Memma's napkins. There's two missing. Elaine took them didn't she?,JERRY,I don't know about that. Have you got any floss?
ELAINE,Down doggy . oh oh a a a a a,JERRY,"Elaine, what are you doing in this neighborhood?"
ELAINE,Did you do with the dogs?,JERRY,"Yeah, they're in the kitchen. . . . okay, quite! What's going on?"
ELAINE,These dogs were chasing me. And no cab would stop and I had to get off the street. Then I remembered that you lived here.,JERRY,Why were dogs chasing you?
ELAINE,They just don't like me. It's a long story. I can tell you one day but I can't tell you right now.,JERRY,I would askk you to stay tonight but I only have the sofa bed and it's where I sleep.
ELAINE,We'll have to sleep head to toe.,JERRY,Head to toe?
ELAINE,"Hey, wake up. It's 830 you were supposed to walk me up at 715.",JERRY,I'm sorry I didn't get any sleep you kept kicking me in the face.
ELAINE,You're a wake up guy. Don't you have calls to make?,JERRY,I'll make them later. Uh.
GEORGE,. . . gone?,JERRY,It sounds like all the winking got you a promotion.
ELAINE,"I mean, why? Why would I take her stupid napkins.",JERRY,Because they were in the pockets of my jacket.
ELAINE,They were?,JERRY,Yes. I was using them to spit out the mutton.
GEORGE,What exactly is mutton?,JERRY,I don't know and I didn't want to find out. So where is my jacket?
ELAINE,"Oh, I must have left it at Jame's",JERRY,You spent the night at James's? Did we?
ELAINE,Yeah but we reversed positions so there was no funny business.,JERRY,Reversed positions?
ELAINE,"Yeah, you know, head to toe.",JERRY,So what your genitals are still lined up.
HOLLY,(from buzzer) It's Holly.,JERRY,Yeah. Come on up.
BOBBY,One more to go.,JERRY,Hey. What's all this?
HOLLY,I decided I was going to make you dinner.,JERRY,I thought we were going out.
HOLLY,"Well, after you scarfed up my mutton I had the irresistible urge to make pork chops for you. I said hello to Franco for you.",JERRY,Franco?
HOLLY,"Your butcher, down the street.",JERRY,I bet he acted aloof like he didn't know me.
HOLLY,A little.,JERRY,That is so Franco.
HOLLY,"So, is the chop the way you like it?",JERRY,I usually like mine with an angioplasty.
ELAINE,You know something really stinks to high h Holly! What are you doing here?,JERRY,What everyone does here. - Cooking pork chops.
ELAINE,Ask Jerry.,JERRY,We could argue all night over who took the napkins. The point is in today's modern world it just doesn't seem relevant.
HOLLY,You gave Memma's napkins to some dogs?!,JERRY,"Hey, what happened to my jacket?"
HOLLY,Do you always stuff meat in your pocket?,JERRY,"Uh, sometimes I use the sofa."
I always feel bad for the silver medal winner in the Olympics. How do you live with that the rest of your life? People are gonna keep asking,"- How much did you lose by? - I don't even know...! It was like...(very fast) now.now...now.now..now..was like, like... now..now..now...! It was it...! Eh, it was it and I lost. I trained, I worked out, I exercised, I did everything, I was doing push-ups, sit-ups, I never did anything but exercise and work out for 20 years, I flew half way around the world and aaaaaaaaaah!...(showing a tiny distance between his index and thumb) And that was...it was a photo-finish! Silver...(stretching his neck forward)...gold. If I had a pimple, I would've won.",JERRY,"(to Elaine) I can't believe you write for this J.Peterman catalog. (to George) Get this one ""I packed my rod and reel. 30 hours later, lost in the fiord, a welcoming smile. Thank god she spotted the epaulettes on my Norwegian ice-fishing vest""."
ELAINE,uh-uh.,JERRY,I thought that new promotion was supposed to be a lot more work.
GEORGE,"Yeah, when the season starts. Right now, I sit around pretending that I'm busy.",JERRY,How do you pull that off?
ELAINE,"Yeah, you do! He looks very busy!",JERRY,"Yeah, he looks busy! Yeah!"
ELAINE,(laughs),JERRY,So did you come up with a little stupid story for the Himalayan walking shoe yet?
ELAINE,"No. I'm completely blocked! In fact, I'm gonna work on it tonight. Oh. Oh no! Oh, I can't! I got that marathon runner coming in tonight.",JERRY,What marathon runner?
ELAINE,"You know, this guy Jean-Paul, Jean-Paul... I met him when I was working at Pendant, editing a book on running...",JERRY,"Oh, wait! Jean-Paul, Jean-Paul! Isn't he the guy who overslept at the Olympics 4 years ago and missed the marathon?!"
ELAINE,"Yeah, that's him.",JERRY,"He's from uh...Trinidad and Tobago, right?"
ELAINE,"Yeah, he's Trinidadian and...Tobagan. (laughs)",JERRY,How do you oversleep at the Olympics...?
ELAINE,"Ah, I know. I know...!",JERRY,"I mean, it's like the biggest event of your life! You'd think you'd have, like, 6 alarm clocks, payin'-off little kids in the village to come banging on your door..."
ELAINE,"Yeah, well, he was pretty devastated. This is his first race in 3 years.",JERRY,Ah...that's a big responsability on your hands.
ELAINE,What responsibility? I don't have any responsibility.,JERRY,You gotta wake him up!
ELAINE,Fine. (laughs),JERRY,I've seen her in your building.
ELAINE,Yeah.,JERRY,I didn't know she was married.
ELAINE,(whispering) She's not... and the guy just took off. (makes a sad face) Don't say anything to anybody.,JERRY,Whom I gonna tell?
WILHELM,"George, we just got the final budget numbers. We went over budget on some of the items, but I don't think there's gonna be a problem. (hands over the budget file to a very annoyed George) I'll let you get back to work, George. (Mr. Wilhelm leaves the office)",JERRY,He overslept and missed the whole race. Isn't that amazing?
GEORGE,I'll tell you what happened. I bet he got the AM/PM mixed-up.,JERRY,My money's on the snooze. I bet he hit the snooze for an extra 5 and it never came back on. (Kramer enters with a bucket and starts filling it with water on the sink) Imagine your whole life riding on an alarm clock.
KRAMER,Alarm clocks? I never use 'em. Don't trust 'em.,JERRY,What do you do?
KRAMER,"I have a uh...mental alarm. I set my head for... quarter to seven and... (makes sound with the lips - ""pop!"") ...I get up!",JERRY,Always works?
KRAMER,"Lomez, he sold me his hot tub.",JERRY,Hot tub?
KRAMER,Oh...it's tolerable...! (happy),JERRY,Isn't that the same temperature the coffee that scalded you?
GEORGE,He uh...doesn't have any running water?,JERRY,I don't ask those kind of questions anymore.
ELAINE,"Jerry. Jerry, this is Jean-Paul.",JERRY,"Ah, hi Jean-Paul. Nice to meet you."
JEAN-PAUL,Nice to meet you.,JERRY,Sorry about the Olympics.
ELAINE,"Listen, listen I'm gonna go call work to see if I can get my deadline extended. I can't...come up with anything for this thing.",JERRY,Ah...catalog writer's block?
ELAINE,"Yeah, that's funny. (annoyed)",JERRY,"(pause) So what happened? The snooze alarm, wasn't it?"
JEAN-PAUL,"Man, it wasn't the snooze. Most people think it was the snooze, but no, no snooze.",JERRY,AM/PM.
JEAN-PAUL,"Man, it wasn't the AM/PM. It was the volume.",JERRY,Ah...the volume.
JEAN-PAUL,"Yes, the volume. There was a separate knob for the radio alarm.",JERRY,"Ah, separate knob."
JEAN-PAUL,"Yes, separate knob. Why separate knob?! Why separate knob?! (frustrated)",JERRY,Some people like to have the radio alarm a little louder than the radio.
JEAN-PAUL,"Oh, please, man, please!",JERRY,"Don't worry, it's not gonna happen again. Not if I have anything to say about it."
ELAINE,Jerry...,JERRY,It's a simple question...
ELAINE,"I've got an alarm, ok?",JERRY,That old one? Didn't I once miss a flight to Cleveland because of that alarm clock?
ELAINE,It works.,JERRY,Elaine...
ELAINE,Hey. Sorry I'm late.,JERRY,You're 40 minutes late. What happened?
ELAINE,I got held up. Do you mind if I heat this muffin up?,JERRY,No.
ELAINE,What? (Elaine puts her muffin in the microwave and sets the timer) What is the problem?,JERRY,"Well, you said you were gonna be here at a certain time, and you weren't."
ELAINE,uh-uh. uh-uh. And this all means uh...what?,JERRY,"Well, means that a man has come from very far away to compete in a very difficult race, he's put his faith in you, and frankly, I'm a little concerned!"
ELAINE,Oh are you?!,JERRY,Yes I am.
ELAINE,"Hey, I'm not running in the marathon! He is!",JERRY,"Yeah, I know that!"
ELAINE,"Yeah, I got enough to think about just tryin' to come up with some load o'crap for that Himalayan walking shoe! I mean, I've given him a place to stay, I'll set an alarm, but I'm not gonna turn my life completely upside down for this guy!",JERRY,I'm not talking about upside down. (Jean-Paul and Kramer come in) I'm talking about waking him up!
ELAINE,"Hey, Jean-Paul.",JERRY,"Hey, Jean-Paul. How was your soak? Was a good soak?"
ELAINE,"Oh! (rushing to the microwave) My muffin! (opens microwave door) Oh, shoot! (slams it)",JERRY,What happened?
ELAINE,"(to Jerry) All right. We'll see you at the race, ok?",JERRY,Yeah. I hope so ?!
ELAINE,Oh that's cute! (closes door and exits with Jean-Paul),JERRY,"Kramer, I'm tellin' you, Elaine doesn't know whatta hell she's doin'! I gotta take over this whole operation!"
KRAMER,"Jerry, look how tense you are... You need to take a soak.",JERRY,I'm not taking a soak in that human bacteria frat you got goin' there.
GEORGE,"Well...maybe not as much as this bastard... (points at Zeke, they all laugh) I can hold my own! (they all continue laughing and drinking)",JERRY,"Jean-Paul, I asked you down here this morning because I'm concerned. Concerned that tomorrow is perhaps the biggest race of your entire career. And the person with whom you have chosen to stay... is uh..."
JEAN-PAUL,What are you saying?,JERRY,"I'm saying ""get the hell outta there""! Let me put you in a hotel. You'll be comfortable, you'll be near the starting line, and most importantly... you'll have a wake-up call, Jean-Paul! A wake-up call!"
JEAN-PAUL,Wake-up call...,JERRY,"These people never fail. They sit in a room with a big clock all night long, just waitin' to make that call! (George comes in)"
GEORGE,"Hey, you bastards.",JERRY,"Hey, how was the meeting?"
GEORGE,I really like those sons of bitches.,JERRY,Sons of bitches?
KRAMER,Heeeeey...,JERRY,How many sweaters you got on?
KRAMER,I fell asleep in the hot tub and the heat pump broke. Water went down to 58 degrees. I can't get my core temperature back up!,JERRY,Your core temperature?
GEORGE,Whoa...it's like a furnace in here!,JERRY,Oh whatta hell is goin'on?!
KRAMER,"Yeah, I turned up the heat.",JERRY,Turn up the heat in your apartment! (opens a window)
KRAMER,"Yeah, yeah, I got the biggest one they had. It's industrial strength. 16000 BTU's.",JERRY,"Hello?...yeah, I can be there in 10 minutes...you can count on me! (hangs up)"
GEORGE,(Jerry is going to his bedroom) What?,JERRY,I got the call...!
GEORGE,Jean-Paul?,JERRY,(stops walking) Jean-Paul! (George acts like he scored)
JEAN-PAUL,"Man, I just want to get some sleep. (gets into bed)",JERRY,"All right. (picks up the alarm clock) Let's check out the clock. Notch good... 650... volume check. (music playing, he starts swinging) What kinda music you wanna wake up to? Top 40, classical..."
JEAN-PAUL,"Man, whatever! (annoyed)",JERRY,How about adult contemporary?
JEAN-PAUL,"Fine, adult contemporary. Just pick one! (irritated)",JERRY,"All right...we're going with adult contempo... (puts alarm away, gets phone) now... the failsafe. The wake-up guy... (dials)"
MAN,(on the phone) Front desk...?,JERRY,"Yeah, this is room 419, I'd like a wake-up call for 650 AM tomorrow morning."
MAN,Yes sir.,JERRY,That's room 419. 650 AM. Four...one...niner...
MAN,"Yes, I got it sir. You only had to say it once.",JERRY,"I know, but it's a very important wake-up call... and I don't wanna take any chances."
MAN,Every wake-up call I make is important. You're no more important than any of our guests.,JERRY,"Well, I just...don't wanna get into a whole thing with you here..."
MAN,Are you through? (annoyed),JERRY,"...Yeah I am, but I just...(man hangs-up)"
JEAN-PAUL,What is it...?,JERRY,I think I offended the wake-up guy...! (worried)
JEAN-PAUL,"No, no.",JERRY,"(gets up) No, no, I did. I think he's got it in for me!"
JEAN-PAUL,"Man, he doesn't got ""in"" for you.",JERRY,What if he doesn't call now out of spite?
JEAN-PAUL,It is his job!,JERRY,(pause) Not comfortable... (gets up again)
ELAINE,... Jerry! (runs angry to her apartment),JERRY,"Feel much better here at my home base, Jean-Paul. It's a controlled environment."
JEAN-PAUL,"It's a marathon, you know. 26 miles! I need to get some sleep! (lies on the sofa)",JERRY,"Hey, believe me, if I'd been with you there in Barcelona...you'd be polishing that medal right now. (covers Jean-Paul with a blanket)"
JEAN-PAUL,Left a comfortable hotel bedroom for this!,JERRY,"That wake-up guy was trouble! All right, I'll be right back. (goes knocking on Kramer's)"
KRAMER,"(shouting) Yeah yeah, we're cracking along pretty good! We're almost up to 80 degrees!",JERRY,"Yeah, listen, do me a favor. Set your mental alarm for 630 and gimme a call."
KRAMER,"Yeah, ok. Wait. (concentrates and makes the ""pop!"" sound) Done! (Jerry stares, confused)",JERRY,He's put his faith in you. He's put his faith in you.
JEAN-PAUL,"I trust Elaine, she is my friend. I trust Elaine, she is my friend.",JERRY,"Frankly, I'm a little concerned."
"(Jerry wakes up with the sunlight. Looks at the electric clock, which stopped at 4",02),JERRY,402? (Checks his wristwatch) Aaa-aaahhh! Eight forty seven Jean-Paul! Wake up! Wake uuuuup!
JEAN-PAUL,847!? (jumps out of the sofa),JERRY,"Come on, just put your clothes on! You'll get dressed in the car!"
JEAN-PAUL,Idiot! I trusted you!,JERRY,"Kramer, what happened to the building?! The electricity went out!"
KRAMER,"Yeah, the heat pump blew all the fuses!",JERRY,What happened to your mental alarm?!
KRAMER,I guess I hit the snooze... (Jerry runs by Kramer and Kramer falls down),JERRY,"Make way! I've got-I've got a runner here! Get outta the way! Make way! Make way! Make way, it's a contender! (an event guard stops them)"
JEAN-PAUL,"Thank you Jerry, you're a wonderful driver. Fantastic route, man!",JERRY,"All right, go, it's a race! Come on!"
STEINBRENNER,"Oh we all get a little cuckoo sometimes George, I used to be like you. Rating personnel 'till they cried, calling managers on the field during a game, threatening to move the team to New Jersey, just to upset people. Then I found a way to relax. I've got two words to say to you, George hot tub. (George looks at him, puzzled)",JERRY,"I'm tellin'you, I never told anyone about that baby. I never even went near your building!"
ELAINE,"Then how did she find out, Jerry?!",JERRY,Maybe you should check with the rabbi.
KRAMER,Oh yeah! Yeah! Come on! (starts howling),JERRY,"Come on, let's go Jean-Paul!"
GEORGE,"All right. So, what theatre you wanna go to tonight? We got 61st and 3rd or 84th and Broadway.",JERRY,Which one you wanna go to shmoopy?
SHEILA,You called me shmoppy. You're a shmoopy.,JERRY,You're a shmoopy!
SHEILA,You're a shmoopy!,JERRY,You're a shmoopy!
GEORGE,"All right, shmoopies...what's it gonna be? Pick a theater.",JERRY,"Uh,..we'll go to 3rd Avenue. So, can you come with us for lunch to the soup place?"
ELAINE,Hi Sheila.,JERRY,"All right, then. I'll see you later."
SHEILA,Bye shmoopy.,JERRY,Bye shmoopy.
ELAINE,"Boy, I'm in the mood for a cheeseburger.",JERRY,No. We gotta go to the soup place.
GEORGE,"Oh, there's a soup stand, Kramer's been going there.",JERRY,"He's always raving. I finally got a chance to go there the other day, and I tell you this, you will be stunned."
ELAINE,Stunned by soup?,JERRY,"You can't eat this soup standing up, your knees buckle."
ELAINE,Huh. All right. Come on.,JERRY,"There's only one caveat -- the guy who runs the place is a little temperamental, especially about the ordering procedure. He's secretly referred to as the Soup Nazi."
ELAINE,Why? What happens if you don't order right?,JERRY,He yells and you don't get your soup.
ELAINE,What?,JERRY,Just follow the ordering procedure and you will be fine.
GEORGE,All right. All right. Let's - let's go over that again.,JERRY,All right. As you walk in the place move immediately to your right.
ELAINE,What?,JERRY,The main thing is to keep the line moving.
GEORGE,"All right. So, you hold out your money, speak your soup in a loud, clear voice, step to the left and receive.",JERRY,Right. It's very important not to embellish on your order. No extraneous comments. No questions. No compliments.
ELAINE,"Oh, boy, I'm really scared!",JERRY,Elaine.
ELAINE,"All right. Jerry, that's enough now about the Soup Nazi. Whoa! Wow! Look at this. You know what this is? This is an antique armoire. Wow! It's French. Armoire.",JERRY,Ar-moire.
ELAINE,"Huh? Ha. 200. You know, I've always wanted one of these things.",JERRY,He gave you the nice face discount.
ELAINE,Yeah. All right. You guys go ahead.,JERRY,What about the soup?
ELAINE,"I'm getting an armoire, Jerry.",JERRY,[in French accent] Pardon.
GEORGE,This line is huge.,JERRY,It's like this all the time.
GEORGE,Isn't that that Bania guy?,JERRY,"Oh, no. It is. Just be still."
BANIA,"Hey, Jerry! I didn't know you liked soup.",JERRY,Hard to believe.
BANIA,"This guy makes the best soup in the city, Jerry. The best. You know what they call him? Soup Nazi.",JERRY,"Shhhhh! All right, Bania, I - I'm not letting you cut in line."
BANIA,Why not?,JERRY,"Because if he catches us, we'll never be able to get soup again."
GEORGE,Medium turkey chili.,JERRY,Medium crab bisque.
GEORGE,I didn't get any bread.,JERRY,Just forget it. Let it go.
ELAINE,"Oh, no...please don't go. Please - please don't walk away.",JERRY,"Oh, man. Ohh! This is fantastic. How does he do it?"
GEORGE,"You know, I don't see how you can sit there eating that and not even offer me any?",JERRY,I gave you a taste. What do you want?
GEORGE,Why can't we share?,JERRY,"I told you not to say anything. You can't go in there, brazenly flaunt the rules and then think I'm gonna share with you!"
GEORGE,Do you hear yourself?,JERRY,I'm sorry. This is what comes from living under a Nazi regime.
SHEILA,Hi. Hi shmoopy.,JERRY,Hi shmoopy.
SHEILA,"No, you're a shmoopy!",JERRY,You're a shmoopy!
GEORGE,I'm going.,JERRY,"Hey, listen, so we'll meet you and Susan at the movie tonight?"
GEORGE,"You know what? I changed my mind. I, uh, I don't think so.",JERRY,Why?
GEORGE,I just don't feel like it anymore.,JERRY,Just like that?
KRAMER,[taking Jerry's couch cushion] Yeah.,JERRY,Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Wha -- what are you doing?
KRAMER,"Yeah. Elaine, she has to leave her armoire on the street all night...I'm gonna guard it for her. I need something to sit on.",JERRY,"Well, sit on one of your couch cushions."
KRAMER,Oh...yeah!,JERRY,What are you gonna get?
SHEILA,I'll decide at the last minute.,JERRY,"You better decide, sister. You're on deck. Sheila!"
SHEILA,"How dare you? Come on, Jerry, we're leaving. Jerry?",JERRY,Do I know you?
ELAINE,"So, essentially, you chose soup over a woman?",JERRY,It was a bisque.
ELAINE,"Yeah. You know what I just realized? Suddenly, George has become much more normal than you.",JERRY,Really?
ELAINE,"Yeah. Come on. I mean, think about it. He's engaged to be married. Your top priority is soup.",JERRY,Have you tastes the soup?
ELAINE,Yeah. All right. You made the right decision.,JERRY,"See, the way I figure it, it's much easier to patch things up with Sheila than with the Soup Nazi."
KRAMER,Yeah.,JERRY,"Oh, thanks."
ELAINE,"Yeah. I know. Me, too.",JERRY,"So, did these thieves want any money?"
KRAMER,No.,JERRY,They just wanted the armoire?
KRAMER,Yeah. They were..quite taken with it.,JERRY,Yeah?
GEORGE,Hup! Hup!,JERRY,"Hey, have you noticed George is acting a little strange lately?"
ELAINE,No. In what way?,JERRY,"I don't know. A lot of attitude, like he's better than me, or something."
GEORGE,Hello.,JERRY,Hello.
GEORGE,Were you just talking about me? What's going on?,JERRY,Absolutely not.
GEORGE,"So, how was the movie?",JERRY,"Aw, we didn't go. Sheila and I are kind of on the outs."
GEORGE,"Oh, yeah?",JERRY,"Yeah. Wha - wha - what are you, happy?"
GEORGE,Happy? Why should I be happy?,JERRY,"I don't know, but you look like you're happy."
GEORGE,Why should I care?,JERRY,"You can't fool me. Don't insult me, George because I know when you're happy."
GEORGE,"All right. I am happy, and I'll tell ya why -- because the two of you were making me and every one of your friends sick! Right, Elaine?",JERRY,Is that so?
GEORGE,"Yeah. Yeah. With all that kissing and the shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy, shmoopy out in public like that. It's disgusting!",JERRY,Disgusting?
GEORGE,People who do that should be arrested.,JERRY,"Well, I guess I have all the more reason to get back with her."
GEORGE,"Ye - yeah. And we had a pact, you know.",JERRY,What?
GEORGE,You shook my hand in that coffee shop.,JERRY,You're still with the pact?
GEORGE,Mmm-hmm. You reneged.,JERRY,All I did was shake your hand.
KRAMER,Git.,JERRY,It was stupid of me.
SHEILA,"Well, it was very insulting.",JERRY,No. I know. I - I was really sort of half-kidding.
SHEILA,"Well, behind every joke there's some truth.",JERRY,"What about that Bavarian cream pie joke I told you? There's no truth to that. Nobody with a terminal illness goes from the United States to Europe for a piece of Bavarian cream pie and then when they get there and they don't have it he says "" Aw, I'll just have some coffee."" There's no truth to that."
SHEILA,"Well, I guess you're right.",JERRY,"So, am I forgiven, shmoopy?"
SHEILA,"Yes, shmoopy.",JERRY,Aw!
SUSAN,"Hey, Jerry!",JERRY,"Oh, hi Susan, George. You remember Sheila."
GEORGE,"Yes. Well -- So, uh, sit on the same side at a booth, huh?",JERRY,Yeah. That's right. You got a problem?
GEORGE,"I, uh, just think it's a little unusual. Two people to sit on one side...and leave the other side empty.",JERRY,"Well, we're changing the rules."
SUSAN,Aww!,JERRY,"What about you, shmoopy? How 'bout a little tuna? You want a little tuna fishy?"
SHEILA,Yeah.,JERRY,Yum yum little tuna fishy?
SOUP NAZI,"You? If I knew it was for you, I never would have given it to him in the first place! I would have taken a hatchet and smashed it to pieces! Now, who wants soup? Next! Speak up!",JERRY,I'm heading over to Elaine's.
KRAMER,"Oh. Jerry, those are the guys that mugged me for the armoire.",JERRY,Those two?
KRAMER,Yeah.,JERRY,Are you sure?
KRAMER,Yeah. That's them.,JERRY,"Well, let's confront 'em."
KRAMER,No. No. No. No. Let's get a cop.,JERRY,There's no cops around. They're gonna leave. Come on.
KRAMER,No!,JERRY,Let's go.
ELAINE,"I mean, you know, I've never been so insulted in my entire life. There's something really wrong with this man. He is a Soup Nazi. What? What is that?",JERRY,"I don't know. "" 5 cups chopped Porcine mushrooms, half a cup of olive oil, 3 pounds of celery, chopped parsley..."""
ELAINE,"So? So, his secret's out. Don't you see? I could give these to every restaurant in town. I could have 'em published! I could - I could drop fliers from a plane above the city.",JERRY,"Wait a second, Elaine. Where do you think you're going?"
ELAINE,What do you care?,JERRY,"Elaine, I don't want you causing any trouble down at that soup stand. I happen to love that soup."
ELAINE,"Get out of my way, Jerry.",JERRY,"Elaine, let the man make his soup!"
GEORGE,"Oh, yes. I - I'm your baby bluey.",JERRY,Well. Well.
SUSAN,"Hi, Jerry.",JERRY,"Hey, Susan, George."
SUSAN,"You know, I really like Sheila a lot.",JERRY,"Oh, really?"
SUSAN,Mmm-hmm.,JERRY,Because we're kind of not seeing each other anymore.
SUSAN,"Oh, no! That's too bad.",JERRY,"Yeah. Well, she was very affectionate - which I love. You know I love that - but mentally, we couldn't quite make the connection."
GEORGE,Really?,JERRY,"Yeah. Too bad, 'cause you gotta have the affection - which you obviously have. I think it's great that you're so open with your affections in public. See, we had that."
GEORGE,You did?,JERRY,"Oh, yeah. But the mental thing. But anyway. I'll see ya."
NEWMAN,[panting] Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!,JERRY,What is it?
NEWMAN,Something's happened with the Soup Nazi!,JERRY,Wha - wha - what's the matter?
NEWMAN,"Elaine's down there causing all kinds of commotion. Somehow she got a hold of his recipes and she says she's gonna drive him out of business! The Soup Nazi said that now that his recipes are out, he's not gonna make anymore soup! He's moving out of the country, moving to Argentina! No more soup, Jerry! No more for of us!",JERRY,"Well, where are you going?"
GEORGE,My code?,JERRY,So why didn't you tell her the code?
GEORGE,No. No way.,JERRY,"George, you're gonna marry this woman. Most likely."
GEORGE,"It says very clearly, 'for your protection, do not give your secret code to anyone.'",JERRY,So you're taking relationship advice from Chemical Bank now?
GEORGE,Why does everything have to be 'us'? Is there no 'me' left? Why can't there be some things just for me? Is that so selfish?,JERRY,"Actually, that's the definition of selfish."
GEORGE,Have you ever given your code to anyone?,JERRY,No one's ever asked. You want it? It's 'Jor-El.'
GEORGE,Superman's father on Krypton.,JERRY,"Of course. C'mon Georgie, you wanna tell me. It's eating you up inside. Sing it, sister."
GEORGE,No. I am not giving my code to anyone for any reason.,JERRY,What if my life depended on it?
GEORGE,What's the matter with your leg?,JERRY,My foot fell asleep.
GEORGE,How'd your foot fall asleep?,JERRY,"I crossed my legs, I forgot to alternate."
FRED,Hey Jerry.,JERRY,Hey Fred.
GEORGE,Hey Fred.,JERRY,My foot fell asleep.
FRED,"You're lucky, at least you got something to do.",JERRY,"Fred, do you know Elaine?"
GEORGE,"Alright, bye.",JERRY,Seeya.
ELAINE,"Did you hear that? He said, 'nice to meet you.'",JERRY,So?
ELAINE,"So? We've met before. At Katie Ash's party, we talked for like ten minutes.",JERRY,And he didn't remember you?
FRED,"The bathroom door. I remember someone had played tic-tac-toe on it, and the X's won; they went diagonally from the top left to the bottom right.",JERRY,"Hey that sounds great, I'd love to do some TV commercials, that should really be fun."
KRAMER,"Leapin' Larry! Yeah, that's where I bought this.",JERRY,What is that?
KRAMER,"Well, it's an emergency band scanner, it picks up everything Fires, harbor patrol, even the police. I'm watching the watchers, Jerry. Uh oh, we got a big fire on 115th. I tell ya if could do it over again, I'd give it all up to be a fireman.",JERRY,"Yeah, those civil servants who risk their lives really got it made."
KRAMER,"When I was a kid, all I ever dreamed of was steering the back of that big hook and ladder.",JERRY,You're lucky they let you drive a car.
ELAINE,What was that?,JERRY,(waving his arm in dismissal) Eh.
ELAINE,"Alright. So, get a load of this. This guy, Fred Yerkes, remembers every little thing about that night except me.",JERRY,"Really? I'm surprised, he doesn't meet that many women."
ELAINE,What are you saying?,JERRY,"Well, what's to be said? He didn't remember you."
ELAINE,"Yeah, but why? I mean, ya know.",JERRY,I know.
ELAINE,Ya know?,JERRY,"Yeah, I know."
ELAINE,"Huh, lookit, you got the new catalog.",JERRY,"Yeah, you wrote a good piece on the Himalayan Walking Shoe."
ELAINE,"Too good. Peterman was so pleased, now he wants to take me out to dinner tomorrow. Maybe you wanna come with me.",JERRY,Why would I wanna do that?
ELAINE,"Oh please, Jerry, please please please, I can't sit with him, he tells these stories, it's gonna be awful.",JERRY,"Yeah, sounds like fun."
GEORGE,We're out of Bosco!,JERRY,"Howbout this, come one down to Leapin' Parry's if you can beat our prices, we'll give you the store."
LEAPIN' LARRY,"Ya know I've always liked your comedy, you don't take cheap shots.",JERRY,No I don't.
LEAPIN' LARRY,"Sorry for keeping you here so long. Again, I apologize for the mess. This renovation is killing me.",JERRY,(to himself) My foot's asleep again!
LEAPIN' LARRY,"When I lost my leg in the boating accident, I got so depressed about this damn prosthetic I thought I was gonna have to give up the business. But now I'm rejuvenated. Let me show you around the store.",JERRY,You know what? I'll be with you in a minute.
EMPLOYEE,That is a great impression!,JERRY,"Larry, wait, you don't understand!"
KRAMER,"I just came from Leapin' Larry's. Making fun of crippled people, is that what you've sunk to?",JERRY,"I didn't do it on purpose, my foot fell asleep."
KRAMER,"Oh, oh your foot fell asleep.",JERRY,"Ya know, the guy has one leg and he still calls himself Leapin' Larry, you'd think he had a sense of humor about it."
KRAMER,"Well, you just joked yourself right out of that commercial, didn't you, munjamba?",JERRY,Yup.
KRAMER,"Boy, look at that. Se that's that fire I was listening to yesterday.",JERRY,"Wow, the whole building burned down."
KRAMER,They just don't know what street to take. You remember that time I got us to Yankee Stadium in rush hour in fifteen minutes?,JERRY,Of course.
KRAMER,"It's all up here, Jerry. All up here. It's innate.",JERRY,The amazing thing is you never have any place to go.
GEORGE,Where we gonna eat?,JERRY,We're gonna meet Elaine and Peterman at the Chinese place.
GEORGE,Peterman? Nobody mentioned anything about Peterman.,JERRY,"Of course not, if I did would you have gone?"
GEORGE,No way.,JERRY,There you go.
GEORGE,"I don't even know Peterman. How the hell am I gonna relax? I'm gonna have to be on all night. I don't like being on, Jerry, I would much rather be off.",JERRY,"Trust me, you're off."
ELAINE,"No, no no no, none that I can, um, remember.",JERRY,"...Alright, you're locked up in a prison in Turkey, I have your wallet. The only way I can bribe the guards to get you out is for you to give me your ATM code."
GEORGE,Call the Embassy.,JERRY,They're closed.
GEORGE,Why?,JERRY,Bomb threat.
GEORGE,We're in Turkey?,JERRY,"Midnight Express, my friend."
PETERMAN,You must be Jerry Seinfeld.,JERRY,"Yes, hi, Mr. Peterman. This is, uh, George Costanza."
GEORGE,(grabbing lapels) J. Crew.,JERRY,"Well, is Elaine here?"
GEORGE,What's going on? He still wants to have dinner with us?,JERRY,Without Elaine? What for?
GEORGE,"What, is he crazy?",JERRY,"We gotta get out of here. Come on; weave your web, liar man."
GEORGE,"I've got nothing, I-I-I-I'm blank.",JERRY,"George, what's the matter with you?"
PETERMAN,"Ah, Fong has been most accommodating. Shall we?",JERRY,"Actually, you know I just remembered I promised this comedy club that I'd do a set tonight, so, terribly sorry."
PETERMAN,"Peterman here. What? Oh no. Alright, I'll be right there. (To George) It's my mother; she's at death's door. I just pray to God we can make it there in time.",JERRY,I can't believe you blew us off; we were doing you the favor.
ELAINE,"Well, Fred asked me out.",JERRY,Fred?
ELAINE,"Yeah, and then he stood me up. I don't get this guy.",JERRY,You see what's going on here? You're attracted to him because he can't remember anything about you.
ELAINE,I am? But that's so sick.,JERRY,That's God's plan. He doesn't really want anyone to get together.
ELAINE,"Anyway, so how was the dinner?",JERRY,"Well, when I heard you weren't coming I made up and excuse and got the hell out of there."
ELAINE,What about Georgie?,JERRY,"Nah, he didn't make it."
GEORGE,You know this whole thing never would have happened if you hadn't bailed out on me at the restaurant.,JERRY,I did not bail out on you.
GEORGE,Well why couldn't you include me in your excuse?,JERRY,Why didn't you come up with your own?
GEORGE,I froze. I think I'm losing it.,JERRY,"Ah, c'mon. Maybe you're just in a slump?"
GEORGE,Now Peterman wants me to go to the funeral.,JERRY,"Oh, come on, just tell me your code already. What is it?"
KRAMER,"Hey, you wanna come down the fire station with me?",JERRY,Fire station?
KRAMER,"Yeah, I made a map of my shortcuts. I'm gonna rock their world!",JERRY,"Nah, I gotta go down to Leapin' Larry's."
KRAMER,"Oh, so he took you back.",JERRY,"Yeah, we straightened it out, all is forgiven."
KRAMER,"Well, you know the important thing is that you learned something.",JERRY,No I didn't.
CAPTAIN,"Mr. Kramer, just about every week some brash young hothead like yourself saunters in here talking about faster routes and snazzier colors for the trucks, well, fact is we feel things are fine the way they are.",JERRY,"Anyway, thanks for having me back, and sorry about the misunderstanding."
LEAPIN' LARRY,"Water under the bridge. Come on, I never did get a chance to show you around the store.",JERRY,Oh sure.
WOMAN,How did this start?,JERRY,Beats me.
KRAMER,"Don't worry, Cap, I can handle it!",JERRY,Kramer?
CAPTAIN,You're losing control! Hard right! Hard right!,JERRY,"Ah, that's a shame."
SUSAN,And here's your card back. Anyone for Bosco?,JERRY,Oh my god. Look at this.
GEORGE,Hm?,JERRY,It's the new J. Peterman catalog. Look.
GEORGE,Let me ask you a question. Who would win in a fight between you and me?,JERRY,"Well, what do you mean?"
GEORGE,"Well if you and I ever got into, like a really serious fight you know, and the punches started flying -- who do you think would win?",JERRY,Well I think that's pretty obvious.
GEORGE,Yeah. Me too.,JERRY,Hey Elaine.
ELAINE,Hey.,JERRY,"Who, who, who do you think would win in a fight between me and ah, gorgeous George here. (pointing up and down at George)"
ELAINE,You mean in a real Fight Fight?,JERRY,Mona a Baldo .
GEORGE,Ah-Ha! (he turns and walks over to the refrigerator),JERRY,Why?
ELAINE,George fights dirty. (she sips her coffee),JERRY,Really? What would you do?
GEORGE,"Pull hair, Poke eyes, Groin stuff. Whatever I gotta do. (he opens a blue bottled beverage)",JERRY,Hmm.
ELAINE,"So. Listen ... You're not doing anything tomorrow, are you? Because I have an extra ticket to the historical clothing exhibit at the Met.",JERRY,Im sorry.
KRAMER,"So Jerry, (smacks hands and rubs palms together) What time we going to the movies?",JERRY,"Ah, how about 830?"
KRAMER,Saddle up and ride. (opens the fridge and pulls out some food -- takes a big bite),JERRY,You want to get something to eat first?
KRAMER,"There's nothing more pathetic, than a grown man, whos afraid of a woman . (voice get high-pitched for the last line)",JERRY,"Hey, why don't cha ask Susan?"
ELAINE,George's Susan?,JERRY,Yeah.
KRAMER,That's gunna be trouble.,JERRY,Why?
KRAMER,Did I tell you Im getting a new telephone number?,JERRY,How come?
RAMON,(recognizes Jerry) Hey Jerry. How are you Mr. Backstroke?,JERRY,"Kramer this is Ramon, from the new health club I joined."
RAMON,So you know what happened don't chu?,JERRY,No what?
RAMON,I got fired.,JERRY,Really?
RAMON,"Yeah, said I put too much chlorine in the pool.",JERRY,Ahh.
RAMON,"Hey well, ah, stay out of the deep end, eh.",JERRY,"OK, see you later."
KRAMER,You want to sit here?,JERRY,"Yeah. (Kramer sits in the seat next to Jerry) Uh, uh, oh, oh, Over there. (points to the next seat over)"
KRAMER,Why?,JERRY,Little buffer zone.
KRAMER,(Quietly) Buffer zone (Kramer moves to the other seat),JERRY,"Thank you. If we were in my apartment and we were watching a movie on the couch, would we sit right next to each other?"
KRAMER,No. You got a point.,JERRY,All right.
KRAMER,I can't ...,JERRY,What are you doing?
KRAMER,Well these seats have no lumbar.,JERRY,"Oh hey, there's Ramon. Pre, pretend we're talking."
KRAMER,We are talking.,JERRY,Pretend it's interesting.
KRAMER,"So, ah then, I ah had to kill him and ah, well the police are still looking for me.",JERRY,"That's shocking, but sounds ..."
RAMON,"Hey, hi Jerry.",JERRY,"Oh, hey Ramon."
RAMON,"Hey, hey, I took a bunch of napkins. You want some?",JERRY,"Oh, no thanks. (turns back to Kramer)"
RAMON,"Hey, ahhh, is this seat taken?",JERRY,No.
GEORGE,"By the way, have you spoken to Elaine yet today?",JERRY,No why?
GEORGE,(sighs) She called Susan last night.,JERRY,"Oh yeah, I know."
GEORGE,How do you know?,JERRY,Well it was my idea.
GEORGE,Your idea?,JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,Whad you do that for?,JERRY,She was looking for someone to go to the show with.
GEORGE,Well that was a really stupid thing! You know what's going to happen now?,JERRY,World's collide. (points at George)
GEORGE,Whe ... Well yeah!,JERRY,Because this world is your sanctuary and if that world comes into contact with --
GEORGE,"YES! It Blows Up! If you knew that, what did you tell Elaine for?",JERRY,I didnt know. Kramer told me about the worlds.
GEORGE,"You couldn't figure out the World's Theory for yourself? It's just common sense. Anybody knows, ya gotta keep your worlds apart. (gesturing with hands going outward)",JERRY,"Yeah, I guess I slipped up."
KRAMER,"Cosmo, go. No, no, na, na. (he pushes the end button and pushes the antenna down) Boy this new telephone number's driving me crazy -- wrong numbers, every five minutes.",JERRY,What is it?
KRAMER,Well it's 555-3455.,JERRY,555-3455.
KRAMER,Yeah.,JERRY,"(picks up the phone on the coffee table) 555-3455. Well wait a second, don't you see that's 555-FILK."
KRAMER,What's Filk?,JERRY,"Filks nothing, but 555-FILM is Movie Phone."
KRAMER,Oh Movie Phone.,JERRY,"Yes, so people are just dialing it by mistake and getting you."
KRAMER,"So, Im Filk?",JERRY,You're Filk.
PAUL - Locker room Attendant #1,"Oy, Mr. Seinfeld. We heard you went to the movies with Ramon.",JERRY,"Oh, well, I didnt actually go with Ramon. I just bumped into him there. (putting on coat)"
DUSTIN,"Tell him, Dustin says, Hello.",JERRY,"All right, I gotta go."
PAUL,To see Ramon?,JERRY,What else did you two do?
ELAINE,"Oh, I don't know, you know, girlie stuff.",JERRY,"Ah, so, ah, flower shows and, shopping for pretty bows, and then back to her place, strip down to bra and panties for a tickle fight?"
ELAINE,"That's really what you think girls do, isn't it?",JERRY,"Yes, I do. (very serious)"
ELAINE,All rightee. (turns and walks to the bathroom),JERRY,"Hey you know George isn't to happy, ahh, about your new friendship."
KRAMER,"Hey man, what's going on?",JERRY,Hey.
KRAMER,"Yeah, Cupids Rifle -- 830, Sony Lincoln Square. Yeah, no, no, no, no problem, yeah.",JERRY,You're looking up movies for people now?
KRAMER,"And this. (pulls out the cordless phone from his pocket) Cosmo here. Yeah, un-huh, no, no, no, no, Ill help. Yeah, Firestorms good. I saw it yesterday. Yeah well my buddy Jerry , ah, he's seen it twice. You want to talk to him? Here -- (holds the phone out to Jerry)",JERRY,(shaking his head no) No Kramer I don't want to talk to him.
KRAMER,"Just, just tell him about the picture. What's the matter with you? Stop it. (puts the phone back to his ear) Yes, are you still there? Look Im sorry about that. All right there's an 830 and a 1015showing.",JERRY,Oh that's George. (presses the intercom button) Yeah?
RAMON,(Hey it's Ramon),JERRY,What?
RAMON,"(Hey, It's Ramon Jerry. Im coming up)",JERRY,"(to Ramon) Oh. Okay. (to Elaine) Wh, what is he doing here?"
ELAINE,Who? Who is Ramon?,JERRY,He's the pool guy.
ELAINE,What pool guy?,JERRY,Do me a favor. Just stick around while he's here.
ELAINE,"You know, you have the slowest elevator in the entire city? That's hard to get used to when you're in so many other fast ones.",JERRY,"Well, the apartment elevators are always slower than the offices, because you don't have to be home on time."
RAMON,"Hee hey, hey Jerry (claps hands and points both index fingers at him) How are you, crazy guy?",JERRY,"Hey. So, ah, Ramon this is my friend Elaine."
ELAINE,Yeah and I was just leaving. Bye-bye Jerry. (smiling as she closes the door. Jerry looks at her like he can not believe she left him on his own),JERRY,"So, ah, what are you doing around here Ramon?"
RAMON,"Well, I was in the neighborhood. I figured Id check you out.",JERRY,"Ah, actually, I ka, kinda had some things to do."
RAMON,"Oh, oh yeah. Wha? Where you going?",JERRY,"Ah, just, you know, I don't know. Stuff, I gotta do. (grabs coat and throws it over his shoulder)"
RAMON,Hey that's cool. Im up for some stuff,JERRY,All right.
RAMON,"So get this. I get down there, and right away, I see the drain is clogged. I mean it's obvious. Can you believe it?",JERRY,"All right Ramon, Im going to get going."
RAMON,What are you trying to say Jerry?,JERRY,"Look Ramon, you're, you're a nice guy. But I, I actually only have three friends. I really can't handle any more."
RAMON,"Oh I see. It's cause I clean pools, right?",JERRY,That has nothing to do with it.
GEORGE,"Ah you have no idea of the magnitude of this thing. If she is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you know him, Ceases to Exist! You see, right now, I have Relationship George, but there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with -- Movie George, Coffee shop George, Liar George, Bawdy George.",JERRY,"I, I love that George."
GEORGE,You see (to Jerry). You see. You see what Im talking about. It's all just slipping away. And you're letting it happen. (exits -- slamming the door),JERRY,So you want to catch a movie later?
ELAINE,"Ahh, yeah, sure.",JERRY,I don't have a paper though.
RAMON,"Well, well. Look whos here.",JERRY,"Ramon, what are you doing here? You could get in trouble."
RAMON,"No, I don't think so Jerry. You see they gave me my job back.",JERRY,What?
RAMON,Im a pool boy ... again.,JERRY,"Look Ramon, about the other day. Im sorry if I offended you. I get a little crabby on the subway."
RAMON,Do you?,JERRY,What happened to all the towels?
NEWMAN,"Hey Jerry. Look at all the towels they gave me! I really hit the jackpot! (holding a large stack of towels, Newman pats his face with the top one) Ha, ha, ha.",JERRY,It's been a terrible situation down there the past couple of days. He's really been making things uncomfortable for me. There's always a big pile of dirty towels in front of my locker ...
ELAINE,Uh-huh.,JERRY,"And then when I come out of the pool, my towel's always gone."
ELAINE,"Uhh, so frustrating!",JERRY,Tell me about it.
ELAINE,"Uhh, so you want to join me and Susan for lunch at the coffee shop?",JERRY,You're meeting Susan for lunch at the coffee shop?
ELAINE,Yeah.,JERRY,Im meeting George for lunch at the coffee shop.
KRAMER,Come on Jerry. Aren't you going to join us?,JERRY,"Ah, you know. Im supposed to meet, eh, someone -- Ill, Ill wait for them outside. (walks towards the door)"
KRAMER,"Yeah, wait here. Come on, sit down. What's the matter with you?",JERRY,This is gonna to be ugly. (quietly)
SUSAN,What's that Jerry?,JERRY,"(coughing) I said, boy am I ugly."
SUSAN,Hey George!,JERRY,We'll pull up another chair.
NEWMAN,"Olly, olly, oxen, free!",JERRY,(NO!)
NEWMAN,Mouth-to-mouth?,JERRY,Yeah.
NEWMAN,Huh.,JERRY,Well? Go ahead.
NEWMAN,You go.,JERRY,You knocked him out.
NEWMAN,"Yeah, but you pulled him in.",JERRY,Come on Newman. Do it.
NEWMAN,Nah.,JERRY,He might die.
ELAINE,Love ... Susan.,JERRY,"So eventually these people came and, somebody, gave him mouth-to-mouth."
ELAINE,He could have died,JERRY,"Yeah, it was a gamble."
SUSAN,Why didnt you give him mouth-to-mouth?,JERRY,Ah. (makes face)
ELAINE,How can you possibly show your face there again?,JERRY,"Oh I can't. They revoked my membership. Newman too. You know, we can't go anywhere near there."
(from the movie we hear this dialogue,"The English Channel Tunnel, Chunnel, runs 32.3 miles, with two openings. One here, in England and another one here, in France. That's all we got. Thank you for your time gentlemen. Can I ask you a question Mr. McKittrick. -- it's a bit hard to hear the movie dialogue, as we are supposed to be focused on George, but I was able to make out most of it)",JERRY,I can't figure out what's going on here. I can't follow the plot. Why did they kill that guy? I thought he was with them?
SUSAN,"No, no. That's not the guy. That's a different guy.",JERRY,What is he doing in the Chunnel?
ELAINE,"I thought that was pretty good, huh?",JERRY,Whad you think Susan?
ELAINE,"Oh, well come on. You want to go grab a bite to eat?",JERRY,Yeah.
ELAINE,New jeans?,JERRY,Yeah.
ELAINE,Still a 31 waist?,JERRY,"Yep. Since college. (Looks at Kramer's AIDS walk list.) Hey, Lena Small's on this list."
ELAINE,Lena Small?,JERRY,"Yeah, that girl I was gonna call for a date, she was unlisted...and now here's her number."
ELAINE,You're a taking person.,JERRY,"That's why I should date a giving person. If I date a taking person, everyone's taking, taking, taking, no one's giving - it's bedlam."
ELAINE (warns),She's gonna ask how you got her number.,JERRY,"Oh, I'll tell her I met some guy who knew her and he gave it to me."
ELAINE,What's he look like?,JERRY,"I really didn't pay much attention, I'd just come from buying a speedboat."
ELAINE,You're buying a speedboat?,JERRY,"See, we're already off the subject of how I got her number. (Elaine laughs.) All I gotta do is get past the first phone call and I'm home free."
ELAINE,I don't know about that.,JERRY,"So if Billy had gotten your number off the AIDS walk list, you wouldn't have gone out with him?"
ELAINE,Well...,JERRY,Yeah. So you really like this guy.
ELAINE,Very much.,JERRY,How's the...sexual chemistry?
KRAMER,"I read it in Wall Street Week ...Louis, uh, Rukeyser.",JERRY,"Hello, Lena? Hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld. How did I get your number? I met a guy that knows you, he gave it to me...I don't remember his name. Think it began with a W, maybe a Q. I wasn't paying that much attention, I'd just come from shopping for a speedboat..."
GEORGE,Hey.,JERRY,Hey. What's the matter?
GEORGE,I had a fight with Susan.,JERRY,What about?
GEORGE,"Oh...(is about to tell Jerry, but reconsiders) ...clothing, something, I dunno. So, uh, what are you doing today?",JERRY,"I got a date with that girl, Lena."
GEORGE,"Lena, how'd you meet her?",JERRY,"I actually met her a few weeks ago, but... (Jerry stops, and mentally visualizes George telling Susan about how Jerry got Lena's number from the AIDS list...then Susan passing the information along to Monica on the phone at work.)"
GEORGE,"So, uh...wanna double?",JERRY,What?
GEORGE,"Well, I just had a fight - I need a group dynamic.",JERRY,I dunno. (Elaine enters.) Hey.
ELAINE,"Well, Kramer was right. My friend Kim told me the sponge is off the market.",JERRY,So what are you gonna do?
GEORGE,"I, uh...figure it's something. (Kramer enters.)",JERRY,What are you all out of breath from?
KRAMER (panting),The elevator just broke. I had to walk up five flights.,JERRY,"And you got the AIDS walk tomorrow. You're never gonna make it, you're in horrible shape."
KRAMER,"Hey, I'm in tip-top shape. Better than you!",JERRY,"I got a 31 waist, mister!"
ELAINE,Yeah. Just give me the whole case and I'll be on my way.,JERRY,"Hey, I have found the best-smelling detergent. Lena, smell my shirt."
LENA (smells Jerry's arm),Mmm! Very nice.,JERRY,It's All-Tempa-Cheer.
LENA (to waiter),"Can you wrap up all the left-overs on the table, please? I always take the left-overs. I work in a soup kitchen every morning at 6 a.m.",JERRY,They serve soup at 6 a.m.?
LENA,Yeah. That's all they have.,JERRY,"Do the bums ever complain? ""Soup again?"""
GEORGE,I'd get tired of it.,JERRY,How could you not?
LENA,Talk to who?,JERRY,Is it a lot of cream soups?
GEORGE,What are you looking at me like that for?,JERRY,Why'd you have to mention 'unlisted number'?
GEORGE,What are you talking about?,JERRY,"Alright, I gotta tell you something, but you cannot tell Susan."
GEORGE,O.k....(thinks) I think I know where we can get one.,JERRY,"Kramer, what the hell is going on in there?"
KRAMER,It's a poker game...(yells to the crowd) And I'm kickin' some serious butt!,JERRY,Are you out of your mind? You got the AIDS walk tomorrow!
KRAMER,"Oh, you gotta be kiddin'! You see those two ladies I got showin'? Do they look scared?!",JERRY,You're never gonna make it!
LENA,He what?,JERRY,How'd you find out?
LENA,A friend of a friend of a friend of Susan's.,JERRY,George!
LENA,Pardon?,JERRY,"Nothing. Listen, I'm sorry, I just -"
LENA,It's o.k.! There's nothing to be sorry about. I don't mind.,JERRY,You don't mind that I got your number off the AIDS walk list?
KRAMER,"Ah, you're lucky you're walkin' out of here with a pair of pants on!",JERRY,You went all night?
KRAMER (shows Jerry his winnings),"Jerry, ah? Breakfast on me, huh?",JERRY,"Kramer, are you out of your mind? You got the AIDS walk in like, three hours! You're never gonna make it!"
KRAMER,AIDS walk! That's a cake walk. (George enters.) Hey!,JERRY,"So, George, guess what? Lena found out how I got her number."
GEORGE,Really? How'd she do that?,JERRY,A friend of a friend of Susan's.
GEORGE,My Susan?,JERRY,Why'd you tell her?!
GEORGE,"Because, Jerry, it's a couple rule! We have to tell each other everything!",JERRY,"Well you know what this means, don't you?"
(IMG SRC=http,//tinyurl.com/2b9c width=200 ),JERRY,"You're cut off, you're out of the loop!"
GEORGE,"You're cutting me off? No, no, no Jerry, don't cut me off!",JERRY,You leave me no choice! You're the media now as far as I'm concerned!
GEORGE,"C'mon Jerry, please! It won't happen again.",JERRY,"If you were in the mafia, would you tell her every time you killed someone?"
GEORGE,"Hey, a ""hit"" is a totally different story.",JERRY,"I don't know, George."
GEORGE,"So, Lena was upset, huh?",JERRY,You know what? That was the amazing thing.
GEORGE,"What, it didn't bother her?",JERRY,"No, she said it was fine. There's something very strange about this girl."
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,She's too good.
GEORGE,Too good...,JERRY,"I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others - I can't be with someone like that!"
GEORGE,I see what you mean.,JERRY,"I mean, I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire."
GEORGE,Where's the depravity?,JERRY,"No depravity! I mean, I look at her, I can't imagine she even has sex."
ELAINE,"Hey, I didn't even use one.",JERRY,I thought you said it was imminent.
ELAINE,"Yeah, it was, but then I just couldn't decide if he was really sponge-worthy.",JERRY,Sponge-worthy?
ELAINE,"Yeah, Jerry, I have to conserve these sponges.",JERRY,"But you like this guy, isn't that what the sponges are for?"
ELAINE,"Alright, let's go. (They head for the bedroom.)",JERRY,Hi.
LENA,"Hi! Hey, look at this - I just got a citation in the mail for my work with shut-ins.",JERRY,"Oh, the shut-ins, that's nice. You know, they're a very eccentric group. Because they're shut in. Of course, they're not locked in, they're free to go at anytime."
LENA,"Oh, by the way, I checked at the soup kitchen - they do have cream soups.",JERRY,"Hey, that's dynamite. You know, Lena, I wanted to talk to you about something...you know, because you're such a good person -"
LENA,"Oh, hang onto that thought - I'm rinsing a sweater, I left the water running. (Goes into the bathroom.) Hey, Jerry, can you get me a towel out of my bedroom closet?",JERRY,"Oh, o.k. (Goes to the closet for the towel and finds dozens of boxes of Today sponges.)"
LENA,"Thanks. So, you were saying...?",JERRY,What? Nothing.
LENA,"No, you said I was a good person...",JERRY,Oh...
LENA,You seem like you want to tell me something.,JERRY,Tell you something...I do.
LENA,"What is it, Jerry? You can tell me anything.",JERRY,"Oh, uh...you see these jeans I'm wearing?"
LENA,Yeah.,JERRY,"I change the 32 waist on the label to a 31 on all my jeans. So, you know. That's it. (Lena is puzzled.)"
BOB,I guess we are just going to have to teach him to wear the ribbon!,JERRY,It completely turned her off.
GEORGE,"Well, I can see that. What do you have to do that for? Who cares about your pants size?",JERRY,I don't wanna be a 32.
GEORGE,I'd kill to be a 32.,JERRY,She said I wasn't sponge-worthy. Wouldn't waste a sponge on me!
GEORGE,That condom killed me. Why do they have to make the wrappers on those things so hard to open?,JERRY,It's probably so the woman has one last chance to change her mind.
GEORGE,"You never run out, do you? (Jerry smiles.) Where's Kramer? Everything's finished here.",JERRY,"Oh, I told him he'd never make it. He was up all night! Oh my god...Kramer?"
GEORGE,You think she's happy?,JERRY,Who?
GEORGE,(indicates with his head) The cashier.,JERRY,Ruthie Cohen?
GEORGE,(surprised) You know her name?,JERRY,Sure.
GEORGE,I don't think I've ever spoken to her.,JERRY,Maybe that's why she's happy.
KRAMER,"(handing Jerry & George a flyer) Good morning, gentlemen.",JERRY,What is this?
KRAMER,"(removing his coat) Yeah, well, it's the latest offering from the Alex Theatre.",JERRY,That stinky old movie-house?
KRAMER,"(lighting his pipe) Well, it's a rare archival print. (jumps as his burns his fingers) Twelve extra minutes, full wide-screen CinemaScope, and if you come to the one o'clock show, you can hear Geoffrey Har-harwood.",JERRY,Geoffrey who?
KRAMER,"Well, he's using his connections in the Mayor's office, to uh, get the theatre landmark status.",JERRY,I thought he screwed up the Dinkins campaign.
KRAMER,"Yeah, but he's doing a lot better now. I've taken him under my wing.",JERRY,"Oh, then I'm not worried."
LLOYD,Hi Jerry.,JERRY,Lloyd.
LLOYD,(offering packet) Gum?,JERRY,(peering) That's an interesting package.
GEORGE,I don't chew gum.,JERRY,"(chewing) Mmm, different. Where'd you get it?"
LLOYD,Friend of mine in Chinatown gave it to me. If you want I can ask him where he got it.,JERRY,"Nah, don't bother."
LLOYD,"No, it's no problem.",JERRY,I don't want it.
KRAMER,"Jerry, Jerry. Lloyd says it's no problem. He's capable of locating the gum.",JERRY,Alright.
GEORGE,Hey.,JERRY,I think I finally figured out what the flavor is in this gum. It's a little lo-mein-y. (he spits it into the waste bin)
ELAINE,What kind is that?,JERRY,"It's Chinese gum, Lloyd Braun gave me."
ELAINE,"You know, that's around the same time I broke up with Lloyd. Y... you don't think that I had anything to do with his breakdown, do you?",JERRY,"You know, I remember when we parted company, I was babbling incoherently for months."
GEORGE,"The whole time that I was growing up, all I ever heard from my mother was 'Why can't you be more like that Lloyd Braun?'",JERRY,And in the end Lloyd Braun became more like you.
GEORGE,"Right, gotta get going.",JERRY,Aren't you coming with us to Spartacus?
GEORGE,"Nah, I gotta deliver some Christmas presents to my parents.",JERRY,I thought your parents were outta town?
KRAMER,"Yes, yes I am. The icing on the cake would be getting that landmark status from the City. We're hoping Lloyd Braun can pull a few strings.",JERRY,"Oh, can Lloyd really do that?"
[Alex Theatre,Auditorium],JERRY,We're all the way in the front row. Why couldn't we sit in the special seats?
ELAINE,"I'm sorry, but I didn't want Lloyd thinking I was leading him on again. Seeing him made me feel very uncomfortable.",JERRY,"Nah, you don't wanna be uncomfortable."
LLOYD,Sorry you forgot those glasses.,JERRY,I don't know what I was thinking.
LLOYD,How'd you like that gum?,JERRY,(noncommittal) Errh.
KRAMER,"Yeah, put these glasses on.",JERRY,"(taking them) Well, what's this for?"
KRAMER,"Yeah, well Lloyd, he's gonna be here any minute now.",JERRY,So what?
KRAMER,They're from the lost and found at the Alex.,JERRY,"Aw, c'mon Kramer, this is ridiculous. I'm not gonna put these on."
KRAMER,"Hey, Jerry, look who's here.",JERRY,"Ah, Lloyd."
LLOYD,Hi Jerry. Got some more of that gum.,JERRY,"(unenthusiastic) Oh, the gum."
KRAMER,"Yeah, let's all enjoy a chew, huh?",JERRY,"(still not happy) Uh, alright. (he takes a piece)"
KRAMER,"Now see, this is what the holidays are all about. Three buddies, sitting around, chewing gum, huh? Mmm, mmm, yeah. So uh, you know, Lloyd, he thinks he can get more of this.",JERRY,"Well, Lloyd's a very industrious fellow. I'm sure he can accomplish anything he sets his mind to."
LLOYD,"Actually, the importer's right in Chinatown. I'll introduce you to him, you can get it whenever you want.",JERRY,'s not necessary.
KRAMER,"Hey, Jerry, you know, Lloyd wants to do you a favour.",JERRY,"I know that, Kramer."
KRAMER,"No, sure sure, he wants to. It's very kind of you. Yeah, Jerry, he appreciates it. Don't you, Jerry?",JERRY,"Yes I do, Kramer."
LLOYD,(to Jerry) She was practically undressing in front of me at the theatre.,JERRY,I didn't see anything.
GEORGE,"(rising to his feet) Hey! Hey, you! (setting off after her) Come back here!! Don't gallop away!!",JERRY,So you say she was on a horse?
GEORGE,"I'm telling you, that cashier is riding horses on my money.",JERRY,"Well, here's what I propose. Go down to the stables, snoop around. See if any high-flying cashier's been throwing twenty dollar bills around with big lips."
ELAINE,Hey.,JERRY,"Well, if it isn't Chesty La Rue."
ELAINE,(sits beside Jerry) What?,JERRY,"I was chewing gum with Lloyd Braun, and he was bragging about the peepshow you gave him at the Alex."
ELAINE,"(laughing it away) Oh God. I lost a button, so my blouse was wide open. I musta left it at the theatre.",JERRY,Maybe it's in the lost and found.
ELAINE,"Yeah, I know. I have to go check it out. It's a beautiful button too, you know. It's antique ivory. It was my mother's.",JERRY,"You know, the way you were wolfing down that popcorn, maybe you ate it."
[Alex Theatre,Lobby],JERRY,"Alright, I'm here. Where's Braun?"
KRAMER,"What, he's not here yet?",JERRY,"Look, I'll go downtown to Chinatown with him, but that is it!"
KRAMER,"Listen, I'm gonna need those glasses.",JERRY,Why?
KRAMER,"(proffering) Here, try this pair.",JERRY,"Aw, these are really strong glasses."
LLOYD,Hey gum-buddy. Nice frames. You ready to go?,JERRY,"(lacking enthusiasm) Yeah, yeah."
LLOYD,"Maybe I'll stick around and see what she's wearing today. Or not wearing, if you know what I mean.",JERRY,Absolutely. Let's just stick around.
LLOYD,"Whoah, Elaine! Once again, you've managed to top yourself. C'mon Jerry, let's go. Car's out front.",JERRY,Lloyd?
LLOYD,I'll run in and get the gum.,JERRY,Alright.
LLOYD,Got any money?,JERRY,(handing it over) Here.
LLOYD,Here y'go.,JERRY,(indistinct) Got all this?
LLOYD,Yeah. A hundred dollar's worth.,JERRY,(incredulous) I gave you a hundred dollars?!
LLOYD,"You sure did. Am I crazy, or is that a lotta gum?",JERRY,It's a lotta gum!
ELAINE,"Jerry, you have got to come see him. He is so terrific.",JERRY,Maybe he'll write a song about you.
ELAINE,Yeah. Right. (laughing) Like that really matters.,JERRY,So I take it he's spongeworthy?
ELAINE,"Oh, yeah.",JERRY,"Well, he's a musician. I guess they're supposed to be very, you know, uninhibited and free."
ELAINE,"Well, actually, he's - he's not that way at all.",JERRY,"Oh, no?"
ELAINE,"Yeah. In fact, he....(moaning)",JERRY,Come on. Come on.
ELAINE,I don't wanna!,JERRY,"Elaine, you're among friends."
ELAINE,"(sighs) Well, actually, he, um, doesn't really like to do... everything.",JERRY,Oh.
ELAINE,Yeah. It's surprising.,JERRY,"Yes, it is. It is surprising. Does that bother you?"
ELAINE,"No. No, it doesn't bother me. I mean, it would be nice. I'm not gonna lie to you and say it wouldn't be nice.",JERRY,Sure. Why not? You're there.
ELAINE,Exactly.,JERRY,"But you said he was just coming out of a very serious relationship. Maybe he's, you know, still....kind of...he...not gonna happen."
KRAMER,"Hey, Jerry! Listen, I need you to come downstairs, help me get my stuff outta the car.",JERRY,What stuff?
KRAMER,"I just came from the price club. I'm loaded up, baby.",JERRY,"All right. What are you, outta your mind? Look at this. What did you buy here? You will never be able to finish all this stuff."
KRAMER,Course I will. These are staples.,JERRY,A four-pound can of black olives? That's a staple?
KRAMER,"Lindsay olives, Jerry.",JERRY,A forty-eight pack of Eggo waffles? A gallon of barbecue sauce? Ten pounds of cocktail meatballs?
KRAMER,$17.50. You can't beat that.,JERRY,Look...look at this can of tuna!
KRAMER,"Yeah. Star Kist, Jerry. Most tuna don't make their cut.",JERRY,This isn't for a person. This is for Biosphere 3.
CLYDE,How ya doin'?,JERRY,Hi.
KRAMER,"You know, Clyde, he plays backup with John Germaine.",JERRY,John Germaine? That is amazing. I was just talking about him upstairs with Elaine.
CLYDE,Oh yeah?,JERRY,"Oh, yeah. My friend Elaine and him are goin' out. They're pretty hot and heavy."
GEORGE,This is gonna be fun.,JERRY,"Hey, you'll never guess who I bumped into. This guy Clyde. He's in your friend John Germaine's band there."
ELAINE,So what did he have to say?,JERRY,Nothing. I told him you two were pretty hot and heavy.
ELAINE,Hot and heavy? You said hot and heavy?,JERRY,Yeah.
ELAINE,What did you do that for?,JERRY,What?
ELAINE,What if he tells John? Then John's gonna think that I think that we're hot and heavy. I don't want John thinking that I'm hot and heavy if he's not hot and heavy.,JERRY,Oh
ELAINE,"I'm trying to get a little squirrel to come over to me here. I don't wanna make any big, sudden movements. I'll frighten him away.",JERRY,"Well, Clyde might not tell him."
ELAINE,How do you know that?,JERRY,I should have helped Kramer with those packages.
FRANK,"Aw, they didn't forget to put it out! It's deliberate! Deliberate, I tell ya!",JERRY,He stole back the rye?
GEORGE,Yeah.,JERRY,Why?
GEORGE,Why? Why? 'Cause he's off his rocker! That's why.,JERRY,"So, do the Ross's know?"
GEORGE,I don't know. They're all very suspicious.,JERRY,Why wouldn't they be? A rye bread doesn't just disappear.
GEORGE,"Now, because of that stupid rye bread, I gotta keep them all separated for the rest of my life.",JERRY,Bad situation.
GEORGE,I'll tell you what I'd like to do. I'd like to replace that rye.,JERRY,What do you mean replace it?
GEORGE,"You know, you go out, you get another rye. Of course, it would have to be the same one from Schnitzer's. You put it in the kitchen somewhere and you say Ohh! There it is.",JERRY,"Well, there ya go. What's so hard about that?"
GEORGE,What's so hard about that? How am I supposed to get it in there? I can't just walk in with it. I have to get the Rosses out of the apartment!,JERRY,"All right. All right. Don't panic. Let's just think about it. Get the Ross's out of the apartment. That can't be so hard. Wait a minute. Wait a second. Wait a second! You know, Kramer's been driving that hansom cab."
GEORGE,So?,JERRY,"Well, Kramer'll take them around for a while."
GEORGE,And it's their anniversary Friday night. I could send them for a hansom cab ride. Y -- you think they'd like that?,JERRY,"Are you kidding? People love it. There's something about the clip clop, clip clop. They're nuts for it."
GEORGE,"So, they go off for the ride, by the time they come back the bread is there.",JERRY,What about Susan?
GEORGE,She's working late that night. We're - were supposed to have dinner with everybody at eight o'clock so I'll set up the ride for seven o'clock.,JERRY,Beautiful!
KRAMER,Hey.,JERRY,What the hell are you doing there?
KRAMER,It's Beef-A-Reeno..and I got fifty cans. You want some?,JERRY,No. No thanks.
GEORGE,Hold on. Hold on. Wait a minute. How am I gonna get the rye bread into the apartment?,JERRY,Just put it under your shirt.
GEORGE,Have you ever seen a Schnitzer's rye? It - it's huge!,JERRY,"I'll tell ya what, I'll bring it over. I'll stop by Schnitzer's, I'll come by five after seven right after they leave."
ELAINE,"Well, you really did me in this time, didn't ya? First guy I like in a really long time. I mean, we're getting along, everything is just great. I mean, all right, so he doesn't do... everything, and then you have to come along with your hot and your heavy.",JERRY,"So, you think Clyde told him?"
ELAINE,He wrote a song about it!,JERRY,"Well, maybe it's a good thing."
ELAINE,No! It's not a good thing! It's a bad thing! Do you know what this is like? To have no control over a relationship? And - and you feel sick to your stomach all the time? Do you know what that's like?,JERRY,"No, but I've read articles and I must say it, doesn't sound very pleasant."
ELAINE,"You know, one of these days, something terrible is gonna happen to you. It has to!",JERRY,"No. I'm gonna be just fine, but as far as your situation, you're seeing him tonight so talk to him about it."
COUNTER WOMAN,Ah! You're lucky. It's our last one.,JERRY,"Wait a second, that's your last marble rye?"
COUNTER WOMAN,That's right.,JERRY,There's none left?
COUNTER WOMAN,That's what I said. Number 54.,JERRY,"Uh, excuse me. I know this is gonna sound crazy but I - I have to have that rye. It's a - it's a long story, but a person's whole future may depend on it."
MABEL,"Well, I'm sorry, but you should have got here earlier.",JERRY,"Yes. Well, be that as it may, if you could just find it in yourself to give it up."
MABEL,You're not getting this rye --,JERRY,"All right. All right. I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do, I will give you double what you paid for it."
KRAMER,"Well, if we're all set to go, why don't you two hop aboard and let me show you a little taste of old New York...the way it once was. Oh, happy anniversary. On, Rusty!",JERRY,"All right. Look, I'll tell ya what, I'll give you $50. Now, be reasonable you cannot turn down $50 for a $6 rye."
MABEL,No? Watch me.,JERRY,Give me that rye!
MABEL,Stop it!,JERRY,"I want that rye, lady!"
MABEL,Help! Someone help!,JERRY,"Shut up, you old bag!"
MUSIC GUY,I'll give him ten more minutes. I'm not gonna stay here all night.,JERRY,How much did you give him?
GEORGE,Jerry! Up here!,JERRY,"Yeah. Hey, what do you want me to do with this?"
GEORGE,I can't come out. They're standing right by the door. Throw it up!,JERRY,Really?
GEORGE,"Yeah. Yeah. It's the only way. Come on. What are you, kidding me?",JERRY,Will you get this horse outta here. He's killing me. I can't get any oxygen.
GEORGE,Come on!,JERRY,(grunting as he throws bread into the air)
GEORGE,Come on! Come on!,JERRY,"Wait a second! I never baited a hook with a rye before. Your hook is too small. This is for, like, a muffin. All right. Take it away."
MANAGER,"Ladies and gentlemen, John Germaine.",JERRY,How did you lock your keys in the car?
GEORGE,How? Cause Im an Idiot.,JERRY,So why don't you get a locksmith?
GEORGE,"I was going to, but then I found out that the auto club has this free locksmith service, so I signed up. Just waiting for the membership to kick in.",JERRY,How long has your car been sitting in the Yankee parking lot?
KRAMER,Hello boys.,JERRY,Y- you're not playin' golf?
KRAMER,"Yeah, and I'll tell ya something else. Stan's advice has transformed my game. He's never wrong. Oh, he thinks eventually I'll have a shot at making it big on the senior tour. (sucks in air through tight lips) Oh, that's my dream, Jerry.",JERRY,"Really, you're getting that good?"
GEORGE,How ya doin'?,JERRY,Hi.
GEORGE,Yeah.,JERRY,"Yeah, we'll see ya."
GEORGE,"Assistant to the General Manager!! Do you know what means?!? He'd could be askin' my advice on trades! Trades, Jerry, I'm a heartbeat away!",JERRY,That's a hell of an organization they're running up there. I can't understand why they haven't won a pennant in 15 years.
GEORGE,"Then, the last person to leave is Wilhelm. He sees my car, he figures I'm burning the midnight oil. Between the two of them, they think I'm working an 18 hour day! (he stands there with his hands on his hips, a wide grin - laughing.)",JERRY,Locking your keys in your car is the best career move you ever made.
ELAINE,"Better, now.",JERRY,"Yeah, what happened?"
ELAINE,You know Sue Ellen Mishke?,JERRY,Sue Ellen Mishke?
ELAINE,"Yeah, the woman I grew up with in Maryland, she moved here last year...",JERRY,Sounds familiar.
ELAINE,The heiress to the O'Henry candy bar fortune--,JERRY,"Oh, yeah, you mentioned her."
GEORGE,"Ah, that is disgusting--",JERRY,"That is just shameless, I don't know, There's no--"
GEORGE,"Shes a pig. The woman's a pig, what wrong with her--",JERRY,"It's wrong, it's rude, and it's incorrect."
GEORGE,Come on! Come-on.,JERRY,We're only kidding!
ELAINE,"Her birthday's comin' up, see, so I decided to get her a little present.",JERRY,What are you going to get her?
ELAINE,"A very traditional, a very supportive, brazier.",JERRY,There's nothing subtle about that.
GEORGE,"No, no, she might just think its a gift.",JERRY,Have I ever bought you a jock strap as a gift?
GEORGE,"Ahh, Hey-Ho. ahhhhh (exhales)",JERRY,"What the hell are you doing here, aren't you supposed to be at work?!?"
GEORGE,"Yeah, well I'm thinking about getting out of town with Susan for a few days....Her parents rebuilt the cabin!",JERRY,"So, you're just taking off from work?"
GEORGE,"Yeah well, they won't know. I got the car there.",JERRY,"Do you think this is such a good idea, with you being on the verge of this big promotion?"
GEORGE,"(on a pay phone) Hey, hey, it's George, I need ya to do me a favor.",JERRY,What's goin' on?
GEORGE,"I just remembered, th-th-there's this Chinese restaurant out near Yankee Stadium, that puts flyers on all the cars.",JERRY,"Yeah, so?"
GEORGE,"Alright, this is what ya gotta do I need ya to go out to the parking lot at Yankee Stadium, take the flyers off my car.",JERRY,"You know last time you had me throwin' a rye bread up three floors to you, now you want me to go up to the Bronx, take flyers off your car, where does it end?!?"
GEORGE,"Alright, fine.I'll drive the 3 hours each way, 6 hours all together, and take 'em off myself!!",JERRY,"Alright, alright, I'll do it!!"
KRAMER,Oowe (Kramer noise -- hes eating something),JERRY,"Hey, what are ya up to?"
KRAMER,Nothin'.,JERRY,You wanna go with me up to (clap) the Bronx and see if there's any flyers on George's car.
KRAMER (excited),Sure!,JERRY,"I guess I coulda said just about anything there, couldn't I? (throws coat over his right shoulder)"
KRAMER,yep.,JERRY,"Oh, man, look at this mess! You know what's gonna happen if they see this?"
KRAMER,Wheehh,JERRY,What are we gonna do?
KRAMER,I don't know.,JERRY,"Well, we gotta get it washed (pulls off a few flyers)....Ah, the keys are locked inside!"
KRAMER,Wait a second....,JERRY,What are ya gonna do?
KRAMER,I'll just snag the lock with this. auhh Here we go...,JERRY,"Yeah, this quite a life I lead here, huh?"
JERRY (indifferent),"Yeah, yeah, yeah...",JERRY,"Oh my God, Kramer, is that woman just wearing a bra?"
KRAMER,"Oh, mama.",JERRY,Kramer!!! (Jerry points to the lamp post they are about to crash into)
KRAMER,Well I got a cut on my head and I banged my shoulder. (He has a large Band-aid on his forehead),JERRY,"I guess I have to bring his car back up to the stadium, if it can make it."
ELAINE,So how did this happen?,JERRY,He was starin' at some woman!
ELAINE,What woman?,JERRY,There was this beautiful woman walking down the street wearing *just* a bra. I can't get that image out of my mind.
ELAINE,Oh...my God.,JERRY,What?
ELAINE,"Was it a tall woman, in a black blazer?",JERRY,Yeah!
ELAINE,Ohhh! That's Sue Ellen Mishke!,JERRY,Sue Ellen Mishke?
SUE ELLEN,Do you happen to know if he'll be back anytime soon?,JERRY,"No, I don't."
SUE ELLEN,Oh...,JERRY,"Is there, something I can help you with?"
SUE ELLEN,"No, I really just needed to speak with him. (exhales)",JERRY,"Well, you can wait for him in here if you like."
SUE ELLEN,If you don't mind.,JERRY,"No, no, not at all."
SUE ELLEN,Thanks.,JERRY,I'm Jerry Seinfeld.
KRAMER,"Why, wh-wh-what's wrong, come on?",JERRY,I don't know
KRAMER,uuh-,JERRY,so the woman was walking around in a bra
KRAMER,Yeah-,JERRY,I mean it's no big deal. You're still drivin'. You should have been watching the road.
KRAMER,"Well, your attitude has certainly changed.",JERRY,I don't think my attitude has changed.
KRAMER,"Now listen, Jerry, I'm gonna need you to testify.",JERRY,"(quietly, yet in a high and whiney tone) Well, I don't know if I...."
KRAMER,"Jerry, Jerry, you gotta testify!",JERRY,Kramer I don't think I can--
KRAMER,"Listen, this is a million dollars we're talkin' about, Jerry, now this is the big league, the big time, now I need you on my team, Jerry!",JERRY,"Well, I'm just not sure how I feel about it, Kramer."
KRAMER,"Alright what's gotten into you, what's happened?!?",JERRY,Nothing's happened.
KRAMER (picking up the wrapper),"Ohhhh, what's this?",JERRY,"Oh, no, no, no, wait a second, wait a second th-th-that--"
KRAMER,"Oh I see....Yessss. Little Miss Candy Bar paid a visit, didn't she?",JERRY,"Kramer, it is not what you think."
KRAMER,"Ah, Ah, Ahhhhh! I know what I think. I think you're gaga over this dame. She's twisted you around her little finger, and now, you're willing to sell me, and Elaine, and whoever else you have to, right down the river.",JERRY,"And what about yooou?!? Tryin' to bilk an innocent bystander out of a family fortune, built on sweat and toil, manufacturing quality O'Henry candy bars, for honest, hard-working Americans!"
KRAMER,You're just out for sex!!,JERRY,You're just out for money!!
GEORGE (on a pay phone),"Hey, it's George.",JERRY,Where have you been?!?
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,"I just got the most bizarre message from you father, Steinbrenner is at you house, they think you're dead!"
GEORGE,Dead?,JERRY,"Yeah, and we had an accident with your car, it's a, its a little crumpled."
GEORGE,My cars a little crumpled?!?,JERRY,"Yeah, yeah, I didn't know what to do so I put it back at the stadium. Oh, wait a second, wait a second, they saw the car, they saw the blood, they couldn't find ya, that's why Steinbrenner thinks you're dead!"
GEORGE,"Allright, I gotta head back right away, I'll-Ill -- I gotta figure something out here.",JERRY,Well you gotta call your parents.
GEORGE,"I can't, Steinbrenner might still be there!",JERRY,Aren't you gonna tell your parents you're still alive?
JACKIE,"Well, did you, or did you not, see the defendant, wearing the bra?",JERRY,I don't know. Maybe.
JACKIE,"Mr. Seinfeld, I might remind you that you are under oath. Now I ask you again, did you or did you not, see this woman wearing a bra?!?",JERRY,"....Alright, alright, I saw her!"
ELAINE,"(awed) Oh, look at this!",JERRY,"Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid."
ELAINE,"(excited) Oh, cool! Look at that!",JERRY,"(admiring Christie) Yeah, I'm right there with ya."
ELAINE,What d'you think Jerry? Jerry?,JERRY,(tearing himself away from Christie) Huh?
ELAINE,What d'you think?,JERRY,"Oh yeah, be great for your paper route."
CHRISTIE,I think your friend needs some help over there.,JERRY,"You know, the only way to really help her is to just let her be."
KRAMER,"(sniffing a slice of meat) Yeah, oh boy. Mmm, that's good.",JERRY,You're really going to town with that turkey there.
KRAMER,"Uhh, Jerry, you got no mustard, huh.",JERRY,It's on the door.
KRAMER,No. That's bush league.,JERRY,"Hey, hey. Wha... wait... what, you're gonna leave it there? That's like half a pound of turkey!"
KRAMER,"No, no, I can't eat that. You can't eat a sandwich without Dijon.",JERRY,"(sarcasm) Yeah, you're right. I really should keep more of your favourites on hand."
KRAMER,"Hey, hey, hey. I'm getting a vibe here. What, are you unhappy with our arrangement?",JERRY,What arrangement?
KRAMER,"Well, I was under the impression that I could take anything I wanted from your fridge, and you could take whatever you want from mine.",JERRY,"(sarcasm) Yeah, well, lemme know when you get something in there and I will."
ELAINE,Hey.,JERRY,Hey. What's with your neck?
ELAINE,Still killing me from having to get that bike off the wall. (pointedly) By myself.,JERRY,"Well, if it's any consolation, I did get her number."
ELAINE,"(sitting) Ah, I think I really strained it. Ow.",JERRY,"Aw, I doubt you strained it. Maybe you pulled it."
ELAINE,"Ach, maybe.",JERRY,Did you twist it? You coulda twisted it.
ELAINE,I don't know.,JERRY,Did you wrench it? Did you jam it? Maybe you squeezed it. Turned it...
ELAINE,"(patience exhausted) You know what, why don't you just shut the hell up?",JERRY,Awright.
ELAINE,Wow! That is unbelievable. The pain is totally gone!,JERRY,What's even more amazing is his formal training is in pediatrics.
ELAINE,"(after Kramer) What? (to Jerry) What, what is he talking about?",JERRY,"I dunno. (realising) Oh, 'cos you said you'd give the bike to anyone who fixes your neck."
ELAINE,You really think he wants the bike?,JERRY,Oh yeah.
ELAINE,It took him like ten seconds!,JERRY,"Well, that's the most he's worked in the last four months."
GEORGE,"(yelling) Awright, let's just stay calm here! Don't get all crazy on me!",JERRY,"Seven? Yeah, I guess I could see it. Seven. Seven periods of school, seven beatings a day. Roughly seven stitches a beating, and eventually seven years to life. Yeah, you're doing that child quite a service."
GEORGE,(adamant) Yes I am. I defy you to come up with a better name than Seven.,JERRY,"Awright, let's see. How about Mug? (picks up the mug) Mug Costanza, that's original. (he turns and sees another item) Or uh, Ketchup? Pretty name for a girl."
GEORGE,"Alright, you having a good time there?",JERRY,I got fifty right here in the cupboard. How about Bisquik? Pimento. Gherkin. Sauce. Maxwell House.
GEORGE,"(shouts) Awright already!! This is a very key issue with me, Jerry. I had this name for a long time.",JERRY,"Oh, I forgot to call Christie."
GEORGE,Christie? That's the one you met in the antique store?,JERRY,"Yeah, she had this great black and white dress, with a scoop neck. She looked like some kinda superhero."
GEORGE,And you met her in an antique store! I don't know how you do it!,JERRY,(smug) I'm not engaged.
KRAMER,"Ah, I got it.",JERRY,Got what?
KRAMER,"(putting the items on the counter) Got the answer, Jerry. Refrigerator problem, is solved.",JERRY,"Oh, it's no problem. You can take whatever you want."
KRAMER,"Here. I write it down. (he writes) ""One cupcake."" And then I put it in the bowl. (he tears off the sheet, crumples it and drops it into the bowl) There. Very simple.",JERRY,Sort of a mooching inventory.
KRAMER,"No, no. Not mooching. 'Cos at the end of the week, you add 'em all up, and you give me the bill.",JERRY,Alright.
KRAMER,"Alright, now look I gotta run some errands, so look. When Elaine comes by with that bike, you hang onto it for me, alright?",JERRY,"Kramer, I don't know if you're getting that bike."
KRAMER,"(waving at the bowl) Oh yeah, yeah. Put that on my tab.",JERRY,"Well this is it. The food is atrocious, but the busboys are the best in the city."
GEORGE,The same outfit?,JERRY,The exact same outfit.
GEORGE,How many days was it between encounters.,JERRY,Three.
GEORGE,"Three days. Well, maybe you caught her on the cusp of a new wash cycle. You know, she did laundry the day after she met you, everything got clean and she started all over again.",JERRY,"Possibly, but then shouldn't the outfit only reappear again at the end of the cycle?"
GEORGE,Maybe she moved it up in the rotation.,JERRY,"Why? It's our first date, she's already in reruns?"
GEORGE,Very curious.,JERRY,Indeed.
GEORGE,"You know, Einstein wore the exact same outfit every day.",JERRY,"Well, if she splits the atom, I'll let it slide."
GEORGE,"(picking up his coat) Awright, I'm heading home.",JERRY,"Hey, did Susan change her mind about the name?"
GEORGE,"(standing) Not yet, but she's weakening.",JERRY,"You know, George, just because your life is destroyed, don't destroy someone else's."
GEORGE,"It's Mickey Mantle, Jerry. My idol.",JERRY,How about 'Mickey'?
KRAMER,Hey buddy.,JERRY,"(holding up a can) Hey, is this your half a can of soda in the fridge?"
KRAMER,"No, that's yours. My half is gone.",JERRY,What?
KRAMER,"Yeah, I put my half a can here on the tab. Why, what's your beef?",JERRY,You cannot buy half a can of soda.
KRAMER,"Well, why not.",JERRY,"Well, I don't wanna get into the whole physics of carbonation with you here, but you know the sound a can makes when you open it?"
KRAMER,Yeah.,JERRY,"That is the sound of you buying a whole can. And the same goes for this, okay..."
KRAMER,Alright.,JERRY,"...You bite it, you bought it."
KRAMER,"Alright, alright. I'll make the necessary adjustments, alright.",JERRY,Thank you.
ELAINE,Kramer!!,JERRY,Hey
ELAINE,Ow! God! Is Kramer back from his little joyride yet?,JERRY,Haven't seen him. How's the neck?
ELAINE,His chiropractic job was a crock. It's even worse than it was before.,JERRY,"Boy, I'm surprised. (sarcasm) I would think Kramer would have a knack for moving pieces of a person's spine around."
ELAINE,"Hey, you know what, I think I ran into that girl from the antique store. What's her name, Christie?",JERRY,You saw her? What was she wearing?
ELAINE,I don't know. I couldn't see. I couldn't look down because of my neck.,JERRY,Didn't you get a glimpse? An impression?
ELAINE,What d'you care?,JERRY,Both times I've seen her she's worn the same dress.
ELAINE,Yeah Jerry.,JERRY,"Well, I'm flattered that you would both appeal to my wisdom, but unfortunately, my friendship to each of you precludes my getting involved. What you need is an impartial mediator."
KRAMER,"Alright, I'm down.",JERRY,"Course, it would have to be someone who hasn't heard the story before. Someone who is unencumbered by any emotional attachment. Someone whose heart is so dark, it cannot be swayed by pity, compassion, or human emotion of any kind."
CHRISTIE,"Are you okay, Jerry? You seem quiet.",JERRY,"No, I'm just a little uh, worn out."
CHRISTIE,I know exactly what you mean.,JERRY,"Oh, I'm sure you do."
CHRISTIE,(horrified) Oh my god!,JERRY,Oh.
CHRISTIE,"Ahh. I can't go to the movies like this. Do you mind if we go back to my apartment, so I can change?",JERRY,"Change? (thoughtful) Yes, I think that's a super idea."
CHRISTIE,Here we are.,JERRY,"(looking around) Ah, so this is the Fortress of Solitude."
CHRISTIE,"Well, I guess I'll go change.",JERRY,"Yes, change. By all means, change."
CHRISTIE,Ahem! Are you looking for something?,JERRY,What're you doing? I thought you were changing.
CHRISTIE,"No, I, I'm thinking we should just call it a night.",JERRY,"No, no. C'mon, put something else on. It's early, let's go out."
CHRISTIE,"If it's all the same to you, I think I'm just gonna go to bed.",JERRY,"You know, I'm kinda tired myself. Maybe I'll just sleep here on The couch. Then in the morning, you'll get dressed, we'll walk out together. Both dressed, different clothes. Well, I'll be in the same clothes. You'll of course be in different clothes, because it's your apartment. But we'll go downstairs, me in my same clothes, you in your different clothes."
CHRISTIE,(unequivocal) Jerry. I don't think so.,JERRY,You wanna throw something on and walk me to a cab?
CHRISTIE,(gesturing) Get out.,JERRY,(pleading) Tell me what you're wearing tomorrow. I'll help you lay it out on the bed.
GEORGE,Seven!!,JERRY,"Hello, Christie? I was wondering if we could get together again? (listens) Oh really? Well you can't break up with me over the phone. C'mon, you gotta do this in person. It doesn't even have to be one on one, you can bring a group of friends. I just wanna see you. Wait, don't hang up on me. (hurriedly) Why d'you wear the same dress all the time? Hello."
KRAMER,"(indicating the cereal) Hey, Jerry, if you're gonna be snacking on these, you can't expect me to pay for the whole box.",JERRY,"Alright, hobo Joe. I didn't wanna put a damper on your little Smorgasbord here, but it's the end of the week, so I added up your tab."
KRAMER,(does a double take) Yikes.,JERRY,I know. Pretty steep.
KRAMER,"Well, I don't have this kind of cash.",JERRY,Few do.
KRAMER,I'm good for it.,JERRY,"Yeah, well, until this bill is paid..."
KRAMER,Hey! You're back!,JERRY,"Oh, I'm back, baby."
KRAMER,"Yeah, how was it?",JERRY,Great. One of the best jobs I ever had.
KRAMER,Good for you.,JERRY,I killed.
KRAMER,You killed.,JERRY,"(taking off his jacket) Slaughtered. Wiped the floor with 'em and (hanging up jacket) not only that, the money was unbelievable."
KRAMER,Unbelievable.,JERRY,Yeah. Highest paying job I ever had.
KRAMER,How much?,JERRY,"(reluctant) Nah, nah. I'd rather..."
KRAMER,"Aw, c'mon.",JERRY,"Nah. It's not good for friends to talk about money, it can affect the friendship."
KRAMER,I tell you how much I make.,JERRY,And I'm always impressed.
KRAMER,"Just show me the cheque, c'mon.",JERRY,"Awright, fine. You wanna see it?"
KRAMER,I wanna see it.,JERRY,Okay.
KRAMER,(stunned) Whuf! This is unbelievable.,JERRY,I told you.
KRAMER,"My god, you're rich.",JERRY,(taking back the check) Oh yeah.
KRAMER,I didn't know you made that kinda money. (subdued) Jeez.,JERRY,What?
KRAMER,I don't think I can talk to you any more. I feel inferior.,JERRY,I never shoulda told you.
KRAMER,"You know, Jerry, I think this changes the relationship. I mean, I feel it. Do you feel it?",JERRY,"No, I can't feel anything."
KRAMER,"Well, what're you gonna do with all that money?",JERRY,"Actually, I was thinking of donating a large portion of it to charity."
KRAMER,(pleased) Really?,JERRY,(deadpan) No.
KRAMER,"Well, you should, Jerry.",JERRY,"No, to tell you the truth, I was thinking of buying my father a new car."
KRAMER,"Now, you see, that's nice.",JERRY,Maybe a Cadillac.
KRAMER,(smiles) Cadillac. Ooh-la-la.,JERRY,"Yeah. (thinking) That would really blow his mind. He's always wanted one, his whole life, he's never been able to afford it. (decisive) I'm gonna do it."
KRAMER,You're gonna score some big points with the man upstairs on this one.,JERRY,"Oh, isn't that what it's all about?"
ELAINE,"(deadpan) Oh, I don't know what I was thinking.",JERRY,"I want this baby fully loaded. (listens) Well, how soon can you get it there? (listens) Oh, that's terrific. (listens) Okay, thanks, bye."
GEORGE,"Really? Wow, you're quite the good son.",JERRY,"Yeah, I'm a very good boy. I'm flying down there and surprising him."
GEORGE,You gonna sleep on the fold-out?,JERRY,"(joyless) Yeah, yes."
GEORGE,"Uh, let me ask you something. You uh, you ever hear of Marisa Tomei?",JERRY,The actress?
GEORGE,"Yeah. She's uh, she's something, isn't she?",JERRY,Oh yeah.
GEORGE,"Well, you know Katy, Elaine's friend?",JERRY,Yeah?
GEORGE,She happens to be very good friends with her.,JERRY,Marisa Tomei?
GEORGE,Uh-hmm.,JERRY,How does she know Marisa Tomei?
GEORGE,"I don't know, I didn't ask.",JERRY,You didn't ask how she knows Marisa Tomei?
GEORGE,Not the point!,JERRY,Alright.
GEORGE,Can I finish?,JERRY,"Go ahead. Seems like a reasonable question, is all I'm saying. I would've asked her."
GEORGE,"Alright! So, she said, that she could've fixed me up with her.",JERRY,"What d'you mean, could've?"
GEORGE,"Well, you know, if I uh, wasn't engaged.",JERRY,Ohh!
GEORGE,Coulda fixed me up with Marisa Tomei. She said I was just her type!,JERRY,Really?
GEORGE,"(getting animated) Yeah. Yeah. You know the odds of me being anyone's type?! I have never been anyone's type, but apparently, this Marisa Tomei loves funny, quirky, bald men.",JERRY,"You know, she won an academy award?"
GEORGE,"(sarcasm) Hu-hu, like I don't know that? (excitement) My Cousin Vinnie, I love that! I, George Costanza, could be on a date with an Oscar winner! An Oscar winner, Jerry! You know what that's like? It's like if fifty years ago, someone fixed me up with Katherine Hepburn? Same thing!",JERRY,Now there's a match. You and Katherine Hepburn.
GEORGE,"I mean, you've seen her, right?",JERRY,Katherine Hepburn? Oh yeah.
GEORGE,(shout) Marisa Tomei!,JERRY,"Yeah, yeah, yeah."
GEORGE,"I mean, she's beautiful, right? She's just my type. The dark hair, the full lips.",JERRY,You like full lips.
GEORGE,"Oh, I love full lips. Something you can really put the lipstick on.",JERRY,Mmm-mmm. Too bad you're engaged.
GEORGE,"(downcast) Yeah, too bad. Too bad.",JERRY,(about the pie) This is no good.
NICK,"Hi, uh, excuse me. I'm uh, I'm with Plaza Cable. I'm sorry to bother you. I...I'm looking for the guy who lives over here. Been waiting about uh, heh, two hours. You uh, happen to know where he is?",JERRY,No.
NICK,"If you see him, Could you just tell him the cable company was here?",JERRY,Sure.
NICK,Thanks.,JERRY,(about the cable guy) Nice people.
GEORGE,"Listen, lemme ask you a question. What if I got a cup of coffee with her?",JERRY,"Well, what about Susan?"
GEORGE,(worked up) I can't have a cup of coffee with a person?! I'm not allowed to have coffee?!,JERRY,Would you tell Susan about it?
GEORGE,(frustrated) Not necessarily.,JERRY,"Well, if you can't tell Susan about it, then there's something wrong."
GEORGE,(shouts) Of course there's something wrong! (points at Jerry) We had a pact!,JERRY,"Hey, cable guy's looking for you."
KRAMER,"Oh, yeah?",JERRY,Yeah.
KRAMER,"Oh. Yeah, I been getting HBO and Showtime for free. See, they just found out about it, so now they wanna come and take it out.",JERRY,"Well, said he was waiting about two hours. Seemed a little put out."
KRAMER,"Oh, was he? Was he? I guess the cable man doesn't like to be kept waiting.",JERRY,You don't seem too bothered by it.
KRAMER,"You remember what they did to me ten years ago? ""Oh, we'll be there in the morning between nine and one"", or ""We'll be there between two and six""! (quiet anger) And I sat there, hour after hour, without so much as a phone call. Finally, they show up, no apology, tracking mud all over my nice clean floors. (malice) Now, they want me to accommodate them. Well, looks like the shoe's on the other foot, doesn't it?",JERRY,"Boy, I've never seen you like this."
ELAINE,I can't believe you're buying your father a car.,JERRY,"And, best of all, it's a Cadillac."
ELAINE,I had no idea you had this kind of money.,JERRY,"Ahh, I uh, I don't like to talk about it."
ELAINE,"Yeah, I thought you were doing okay. I just didn't think you were in this kind of, you know, uh... position.",JERRY,"Ah, it's just money."
ELAINE,"(smiling) So, when're you getting back from Florida?",JERRY,"Oh, I don't know, play it by ear. Why?"
ELAINE,"I don't know. (big smile) Just, things seem a little more exciting when you're around. That's all.",JERRY,Are you okay?
ELAINE,"(squeaky) Sure, sure.",JERRY,What was that?
GEORGE,"(worked up) I'm aware! I'm aware!! But this is Marisa Tomei, Elaine. An Oscar winner! How can I live the rest of my life, knowing I coulda been with Marisa Tomei? She said I was just her type! She loves short, stocky, balding funny men!",JERRY,I notice you threw 'stocky' in there.
ELAINE,(looking for support) Jerry!,JERRY,"Uhm, hold, hold on a second. (pauses counting) I'm, I'm sorry, I didn't hear what you said."
ELAINE,Eight-fifty.,JERRY,"Oh, right."
ELAINE,"So uh, how are you getting to the airport? D'you need a ride, or...",JERRY,"No, don't be silly, I've arranged a car."
ELAINE,"You sure? You sure? 'Cos, you know...",JERRY,Maybe I'll let you pick me up.
MORTY,"Look, I got a few good years left. If I want a Chip Ahoy, I'm having it.",JERRY,Surprise!
MORTY,What the hell are you doing here?,JERRY,I'm a good son.
HELEN,Just like that? No calls?,JERRY,Just like that.
HELEN,To what do we owe this great honour?,JERRY,You wanna know? Come on outside.
MORTY,(laughs) Heh hah!,JERRY,"C'mon, c'mon."
MORTY,Look at this! Look at this! (excited) You bought a Cadillac?!,JERRY,I bought it for you. It's yours.
MORTY,You what? You bought me a Cadillac?,JERRY,I bought you a Cadillac. (hands over the keys) Here you go.
HELEN,"(sharply, to Jerry) Are you out of your mind?",JERRY,What?
HELEN,I'm not letting him buy us a Cadillac. He hasn't got that kind of money.,JERRY,How d'you know?
HELEN,"Oh, get out of here Mister Big Shot.",JERRY,Why can't I buy my father a car?
HELEN,Over my dead body.,JERRY,"(under his breath) Well, this worked out just as I had hoped."
MORTY,"Hey Jerry, look at this. My seat's got a memory, in case somebody moves it. I could be in prison for five years. I come out, my seat goes right back to where I like it.",JERRY,That's what I was thinking.
JACK,"(pointing) Hello, Jerry.",JERRY,"Hiya, Jack."
JACK,(disbelief) You bought it?,JERRY,That's right. I bought it.
JACK,I don't feel like taking a ride. Do I have to take a ride?!,JERRY,He doesn't wanna take a ride.
MORTY,Could you believe that guy?,JERRY,Aahh!
HELEN,I told you we shouldn't have let him give us the car.,JERRY,Didn't you tell 'em I got the bill of sale? That proves I paid for it.
MORTY,It doesn't make a difference. They think we're in cahoots.,JERRY,"You know, you could put a fence around these condos, and call it an insane asylum. Nobody would know the difference!"
EVELYN,Hello?,JERRY,"Oh, hi Evelyn."
EVELYN,Mrs Choate.,JERRY,Who's she?
JERRY (V.O.),Ow. Stupid fold-out! Why'd they put the bar in the middle of the bed?,JERRY,Hello?
ELAINE,(flirtatious) Hi Jerry.,JERRY,Elaine? Wh..what's going on?
ELAINE,"(clears throat) I was thinking, I mean, I'm not really doing that much this weekend, and I thought, well, huh, what the hell, maybe I'll come down there and hang out a little.",JERRY,"(a little confused) You wanna hang out here, at phase two of the Pines of Mar Gables?"
ELAINE,"Well, it's just two hours by plane...",JERRY,"Gee, I dunno what to tell you."
ELAINE,(smiling and flirty) Hi.,JERRY,Hi.
ELAINE,"So, what d'you think?",JERRY,"Uh, I don't think so."
ELAINE,(disappointed) Oh.,JERRY,I'll be back on Monday.
ELAINE,"Well, if you need that ride, just uhm, gimme a call. (little laugh) Heh. I can meet you at the gate, Jer.",JERRY,"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Alright, I'll see you."
ELAINE,(urgent) Jerry? Jerry?,JERRY,(putting the phone back to his ear) Yeah.
ELAINE,(breathy) Bye.,JERRY,Bye.
HELEN,"Oh, hi Jerry. Mrs Choate, (indicating) this is my son, Jerry.",JERRY,Gimme that rye!)
MRS. CHOATE,"Stop it. Let go. Help! Someone, help!",JERRY,"Shut up, you old bag!"
MRS. CHOATE,"(shouting after him) Thief! Stop him! Stop him, he's got my rye!",JERRY,Nice to meet you.
MRS. CHOATE,They're like savages.,JERRY,"Yeah, there's some sickos out there."
MRS. CHOATE,(peering at Jerry) You look very familiar. Have we ever met?,JERRY,You ever go to Camp Tiyoga?
MRS. CHOATE,"Naw, I don't watch TV.",JERRY,"(opening the door) Well, it was nice meeting you."
MORTY,"Jerry, don't go.",JERRY,"Ah, I think I'll go."
HELEN,"(glancing at her watch) Oh, right, let's go. Jerry, let's go, it's time to eat. We're going to dinner.",JERRY,(confused) Dinner? W..What time is it?
HELEN,(pulling on a coat) It's four-thirty.,JERRY,(bewildered) Four-thirty? Who eats dinner at four-thirty?
MORTY,"By the time we sit down, it'll be quarter to five.",JERRY,I don't understand why we have to eat now.
MORTY,"Yeah. They give you a tenderloin, a salad and a baked potato, for four-ninety-five. You know what that cost you after six?",JERRY,"Can't we eat at a decent hour? I'll treat, okay?"
HELEN,You're not buying us dinner.,JERRY,"(emphatic) I'm not force-feeding myself a steak at four-thirty to save a coupla bucks, I'll tell you that!"
DORIS,"Hello, hello.",JERRY,Jack.
DORIS,"Hello, Jerry.",JERRY,Hi Doris.
JACK,"Yes, we will.",JERRY,"Awright, let's eat already."
MRS. CHOATE,Help! Someone help!,JERRY,"Shut up, you old bag!"
NICK,"(weary) Alright, I know you're in there. I know you can hear me. You win, okay? You win. I can't do it any more. What d'you want from me? Apology? Alright, I'm sorry. There, I said it, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I see now how we made you feel when we made you sit home waiting. I dunno why we do it. (upset) I guess maybe we just kind of enjoy taking advantage of people. (reasonable) Well, that's gonna change. From now on, no more 'nine to twelve', no more 'one to five'. We're gonna have appointments. Eleven o'clock is gonna mean eleven o'clock. And, if we can't make it, we're gonna call you, tell you why. (worked up) For god's sakes, if a doctor can do it, why can't we? (almost sobbing) Anyway, that's it.",JERRY,"The bags are in the car, I guess we better go."
ELAINE,"Oh, Come on.",JERRY,"Hey George, you coming to the Tonight Show on Thursday?"
GEORGE,"Hey, yeah. My parents want to come too, is that ok?",JERRY,"Yeah, sure. My parents will be there."
ELAINE,The Tonight Show?,JERRY,"Yeah, they're in town this week, you wanna go?"
ELAINE,Are you doing new material?,JERRY,No.
KRAMER,Hey. Super's in my bathroom changing my shower head. Have they changed your shower head?,JERRY,"No, he's doing mine next. They're low flow you know."
ELAINE,So what are your parents doing here in new York?,JERRY,"Well, they were humiliated. I mean after the impeachment, my father left office in disgrace."
ELAINE,So what are their plans?,JERRY,"Well, this is the problem. They're moving into this new development. Here's the pamphlet. Del Boca Vista. But they're not quite ready to go back so they're in seclusion here for a while at Uncle Leo's."
ELAINE,You mean the three of them in that tiny apartment?,JERRY,"No, Leo's not there. He's got a girlfriend, Lydia. In fact, he moved in with her."
GEORGE,Uncle Leo's having regular sex?,JERRY,"Yeah, I know. It devalues the whole thing."
MORTY,"Jerry, what time do we have to be at the the Tonight Show on Thursday.",JERRY,You gotta be there at 430.
MORTY,But it comes on 1130.,JERRY,"Yeah, well they tape it in the afternoon and then they air it at 1130."
MORTY,How long they been doing this?,JERRY,30 years.
MORTY,"Helen, did you know that they tape this thing in the afternoon?",JERRY,"All right, I'll see you later."
GEORGE,"Yeah, that is odd, isn't it?",JERRY,"Yeah, it is."
GEORGE,"I mean, they're retired.",JERRY,No economic reason for them to be here.
GEORGE,They have no friends.,JERRY,No social reason for them to be here.
HELEN,Where can I buy some ice? Your father likes a lot of ice.,JERRY,"I don't know, maybe get an ice tray?"
HELEN,I can do that.,JERRY,You know Dad just called me.
HELEN,"Yeah, I know. His phlebitis is acting up.",JERRY,"Yeah, all right, well I got some people here."
HELEN,Ok.,JERRY,"All right, bye. (to Elaine) You see this? Any thought pops into their head they're calling me because it's a local call now."
ELAINE,Ahh.,JERRY,"I'm used to a 1200 mile buffer zone. I can't handle this. Plus I got the dinners, I got the pop ins. They pop in! It's brutal!"
ELAINE,They have no idea when they're going back to Florida?,JERRY,The only way out of this is if Leo breaks up with his girlfriend and has to move back into the apartment and then they would have to go back to Florida.
UNCLE LEO,It's about time you called your uncle. We've got to do this once a week.,JERRY,(to himself) Once a week? (to Uncle Leo) So how's Lydia?
UNCLE LEO,"Ah, she's a real tiger.",JERRY,I don't know how you do it.
UNCLE LEO,What?,JERRY,"A man like you, limiting yourself to one woman, I don't know. But it's none of my business."
UNCLE LEO,What are you talking about?,JERRY,Well...
UNCLE LEO,"Look at this, I told them medium rare, it's medium.",JERRY,"Hey, it happens."
UNCLE LEO,I bet that cook is an anti-Semite.,JERRY,He has no idea who you are.
UNCLE LEO,"They don't just overcook a hamburger, Jerry.",JERRY,"All right. Anyway, the point I was making before Goerbbles made your hamburger is a man like you could be dating women twenty years younger. C'mon Uncle Leo, I've seen the way women look at you. When's the last time you looked in a mirror? You're an Adonis! You've got beautiful features, lovely skin, you're in the prime of your life here, you should be swinging. If I were you I'd tell this Lydia character, ""It's been real,"" move back into that bachelor pad and put out a sign; Open for business."
UNCLE LEO,"Believe me, I thought about it. But she is so perfect in every way, I can't see a flaw.",JERRY,"Well, keep looking."
KRAMER,"Wha, you too?",JERRY,Yeah!
KRAMER,"These showers are horrible. There's no pressure, I can't get the shampoo out of my hair.",JERRY,Me either.
KRAMER,If I don't have a good shower I am not myself. I feel weak and ineffectual. I'm not Kramer.,JERRY,You? What about me? I got the Tonight Show tonight. I'm gonna have to shower in the dressing room.
KRAMER,(leaving) Aw.,JERRY,Where are you going?
HELEN,All they serve is chicken?,JERRY,There's more food down the hall.
MORTY,"Wrap it up, we'll take it home.",JERRY,"Oh, hi."
ESTELLE,"Oh, Jerry. I don't know how you could do this. I'm so nervous for you.",JERRY,"Actually, I'm drunk."
FRANK,Are you trying to keep us out of Del Boca Vista?!,JERRY,"I know this doesn't seem like work to any of you, if you could perhaps conduct your psychopath convention down the hall, I could just get a little personal space."
JAY LENO,"Welcome back. Talking with Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry, lemme ask you, I saw some people back there, they look like.. family? Is that family?",JERRY,"Yeah, I got some family backstage. Course my family's nuts; they're crazy. Yep. My uncle Leo, (quick take of Uncle Leo in bet with Lydia, watching Jerry on TV. Lydia is laughing, Leo is not) I had lunch with him the other day, he's one of these guys that anything goes wrong in life, he blames it on anti-Semitism. You know what I mean, the spaghetti's not al dente? Cook's an anti-Semite. Loses a bet on a horse. Secretariat? Anti-Semitic. Doesn't get a good seat at the temple. Rabbi? Anti-Semite."
KRAMER,"(halfheartedly) Yeah, well I'm really happy for ya.",JERRY,"Hey, you're not giving it to me, man. What's wrong?"
KRAMER,"I just took a bath, Jerry. A bath?",JERRY,No good?
KRAMER,It's disgusting. I'm sitting there in a tepid pool of my own filth. All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all around me.,JERRY,"Well, you used to sit in that hot tub?"
KRAMER,"Jerry, that was superheated water, nothing could live in that.",JERRY,(offering a plate) Chicken?
ELAINE,"Well, this you're not gonna believe. I found out why I was testing positive for opium. Poppy seeds!",JERRY,Poppy seeds!
ELAINE,"Yeah. Thanks. So, I'm gonna get tested again later, hopefully I'll get my job back and I will be on my way to Africa.",JERRY,Hello Newman.
NEWMAN,"Look, sister, go get yourself a cup of coffee, all right? Beat it! (Pushes Elaine out the door and closes it) All right, now here's the lowdown. From a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black market shower heads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia, and from what I hear the Serbs are fanatic about their showers.",JERRY,Not from the footage I've seen.
GEORGE,Jerry? Jerry! I'm busting! I'm busting!,JERRY,What's going on?
GEORGE,My parents are moving to Florida!,JERRY,Are you kidding?
GEORGE,Can you believe it? It's happening! It's finally happening! I'm free!!,JERRY,Where are they moving to?
GEORGE,Del Boca Vista!,JERRY,"Del Boca Vista, that's where my parents are gonna live!"
GEORGE,I know!,JERRY,We could visit together!
GEORGE,Every five years!,JERRY,That's incredible!
GEORGE,"I know, I know and you know *why* they're moving there?",JERRY,Why?
GEORGE,To spite your parents!,JERRY,To spite my parents?
GEORGE,Yeah!,JERRY,Your parents are crazy!
GEORGE,"I know, they're out of their minds! It's fantastic!",JERRY,My parents are moving back too!
GEORGE,I can't believe I didn't push for this sooner.,JERRY,You have no idea how your life is gonna improve as a result of this. Food tastes better. The air seems fresher. You'll have more energy and self confidence than you ever dreamed of.
MORTY,"Hello, Jerry? It's your father.",JERRY,"Oh, hi dad."
MORTY,What was that?,JERRY,"Nothing. A bottle broke. That's all. What do you mean, you're gonna move in here?"
MORTY,Because the Costanzas are moving into Del Boca Vista.,JERRY,But it's a big complex.
MORTY,"You don't understand, you gotta have a buffer zone.",JERRY,"All right, fine. Come over here. (Hangs up phone)"
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,They're not going back to Florida. They're moving here.
GEORGE,What? Why?,JERRY,Because your parents are going down there. My buffer zone just went from twelve hundred miles down to two feet! You gotta do something.
GEORGE,"Hey, I'm sorry, you had your buffer zone for many years. It's my turn to live, baby.",JERRY,"You know what you're doing, don't you? You're killing Independent Jerry! I gotta go see my Uncle Leo. I think he may have made a big mistake."
UNCLE LEO,Move back with Lydia?,JERRY,"C'mon, you're lucky to have anybody."
UNCLE LEO,"Last week you told me I was in my prime, I should be swinging.",JERRY,"Swinging? What are you, out of your mind? Look at you, you're disgusting. You're bald, you're paunchy, all kinds of sounds are emanating from your body twenty-four hours a day. If there's a woman that can take your presence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hang on to her like grim death. Which is not far off, by the way."
UNCLE LEO,But she's an anti-Semite.,JERRY,Can you blame her?
SALESMAN,"All right, I got everything here. I got the Cyclone F series, Hydra Jet Flow, Stockholm Superstream, you name it.",JERRY,What do you recommend?
PETERMAN,"Oh, and one more thing. You may have osteoporosis.",JERRY,"Well, it's been a great visit."
MORTY,"Jerry, I'll tell ya. The first thing I'm gonna do when I get back to Florida is take a shower.",JERRY,"Well, at least the Costanzas changed their mind and decided not to move. They couldn't bear being away from George."
HELEN,George must be happy about that.,JERRY,You have no idea.
[Setting,Night club],JERRY,"Thank you! Goodnight! (Walks off stage, sighing deeply. Instantly, a red-headed woman runs up and hugs him - taking Jerry by surprise)"
SALLY,Jerry!,JERRY,(Trying to ward her off) Hey. Hey!
SALLY,(Reminding him who she is) Sally Weaver! (Sees Jerry's expression - he still has no clue who she is) Susan Ross' roommate from college.. hello! (Laughs slightly),JERRY,"Right.. Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, oh, so you saw the show?"
SALLY,Saw it? I loved it! And thank you for the free tickets. You are so funny.,JERRY,"(Modest) Oh, thanks."
SALLY,"(Serious) No, no, I mean it. You're very funny.",JERRY,(Blunt) I believe you.
SALLY,"Oh, anyway, let me show you Memphis. I am taking you (Points to him) out to dinner.",JERRY,"(Grabbing his coat) Oh, I'm sorry, I can't - I'm going straight to the airport."
SALLY,"Ohh.. that's too bad.. Susan thought we'd really get along - I guess because we're both wacko! (Jerry laughs) You know what, um.. (Turns around, picking up a large gift from a table) You have to give this to them for me. Okay? Here. (Hands the box to Jerry, he struggles under the size of it) It's a wedding present.",JERRY,Oh?
SALLY,"And Jerry? Be careful with it, okay? Be very careful.",JERRY,Uh-huh.
STEWARDESS,(Overly nice) Could I take that box for you?,JERRY,"Uh.. well, you better not. I'm supposed to be careful with it."
STEWARDESS,"Oh, then, I'll have to put your bag in the over-head.",JERRY,"Oh, okay.."
[Setting,Jerry's apartment],JERRY,Ohh.. look at this..
KRAMER,What?,JERRY,I bought a bottle of BBQ sauce in Memphis. I think the stewardess broke it when she tried to jam it into the overhead compartment because of this
KRAMER,"Well, don't press the panic button. I'm sure that we can still salvage some sauce..",JERRY,"I don't care about the sauce. It came in this funny little bottle, and there was a guy on the label that looked exactly like Charles Grodin."
KRAMER,(Taking some of Jerry's clothing over to the kitchen) I see..,JERRY,"No, you don't see - because I'm going on the show this week, and this was going to be my bit on the show."
KRAMER,"Well, why don't you do your material?",JERRY,I'm out.
KRAMER,"(Looking up, sighs) Well, you better get to work.",JERRY,(Sarcastic) Thanks for the tip.
GEORGE,"Hey, buddies.",JERRY,"Hey. Hey, this is for you. (Taps the gift) It's from.. uh, Susan's roommate, Sally."
GEORGE,Oh yeah.. (Starts to open it) Sally called Susan - said you guys really hit it off.,JERRY,"(Annoyed at the thought) Nobody hit anything off. She just gave me the box. (Looks over at Kramer. He is scraping the BBQ sauce off Jerry's clothes with a knife, then dipping some bread into it) What the hell are you doing?"
KRAMER,(Looks up) I'm salvaging the sauce. What's the matter with you? (Eats the bread),JERRY,"(Pleading) Hey, hey, hey. Come on, come on."
KRAMER,"(Moving out into the living room) Jerry, why don't you do a bit on Styrofoam?",JERRY,Like what?
KRAMER,"Well, uh.. (Starts to impersonate Jerry's act) ""What is this stuff? Why do we need this stuff?.. And why do they make it so small..?""",JERRY,(Confused) Where's the punchline?
GOERGE,"(Taking out a mat from the huge box) Well, this is certainly a crappy gift..",JERRY,A door mat? That's what she had me lug up from Memphis?!
GEORGE,"Pretty chintzy, huh? Considering the money she makes.. She's a big executive for Federal Express.",JERRY,Federal Express?! Is she out of her mind? Why didn't she just ship it?!
[Setting,Jerry's apartment],JERRY,"Hey, Elaine, you have got to buy this new electric toothbrush I just got - the Ori-dent."
ELAINE,(Just making conversation) Oh yeah?,JERRY,"Oh, it's unbelievable. Every time you use it you feel like you just came from the dentist!"
ELAINE,"(Mock enthusiasm) Oh, that's dynamite.",JERRY,"Hey, what are you doing tomorrow? You want to come see me on the Charles Grodin show?"
ELAINE,Who else is on the show?,JERRY,Uh.. one of the three tenors.
ELAINE,(Interested) The Three Tenors? (Stands up) Which one?!,JERRY,Uh.. It's not Poverotti.. It's not Domingo..
ELAINE,(Extremely excited) The other guy?!,JERRY,"(Nodding) Yeah, the other guy."
ELAINE,(Screams out in joy) My God! I can't believe the other guy's going to be on the show!,JERRY,Why?
ELAINE,Because I ruined this autographed picture of him that belonged to the Maestro. You think I can go and get his autograph?,JERRY,Why not?
ELAINE,(Extremely giddy) Wow! The other guy!,JERRY,"Hey, you look awful."
GEORGE,"(Sitting on the sofa) I'm on no sleep, bro.",JERRY,Problem in the bedroom?
GEORGE,(Muttering) Susan has the doll collection.. one of the dolls looks exactly like my mother.. she likes to sleep with it.,JERRY,Wow. You were in bed with your mother last night?
GEORGE,"(Long pause) ..Felt like it. I tell you, this doll is pretty spooky. (Takes off his glasses, rubbing his eye) It's freakin' me out man. And now I got to go back out there and pick up this doormat.",JERRY,I thought you didn't want the doormat.
GEORGE,I don't. Susan wants to have it out when Sally comes tomorrow.,JERRY,"Sally? (Getting upset) Wait, wait a minute - She's coming to New York?"
GEORGE,"Yeah, (Smiling) Susan said you'd be excited.",JERRY,Excited? I'm gonna kill her! She knew she was coming here and she made me carry that box?!
GEORGE,Susan's college roommate.,JERRY,It's because of her that bottle got broke that I was going to give to Charles Grodin on his show.
GEORGE,So call her up and tell her to bring you another one. She'll be delighted to talk to you.,JERRY,"(While opening a cereal box) I will - don't worry. (Plotting revenge) In fact, I'll have her bring up a whole case of the stuff. It'll be really heavy. Let's see if she likes sitting on a plane with a big box on her lap!"
ELAINE,That's sounds pretty juvenile.,JERRY,"(Pulling out the toy from the cereal box - he displays even more immaturity by holding it up, smiling) Hey! A dinosaur!"
GEORGE,You see?.. You see?!,JERRY,"Well, it doesn't look exactly like her."
GEORGE,"Jerry, come on. If my mother keeps shrinking, this is exactly what she's gonna look like in ten years!",JERRY,Why don't you just get rid of it?
GEORGE,"I tried! I almost threw it down the incinerator, but I couldn't do it. The guilt was too overwhelming. (Grabs the doll, opening the door to leave) Susan's so attached to this thing.",JERRY,"Wait, where are you going? Don't take your dolly and go home."
ELAINE,Did you see that?!,JERRY,I'm just glad it's outta here. (Elaine exhales deeply - getting over the scare of the doll. She moves into the apartment) What's that? (Pointing to a rolled up poster Elaine is carrying)
ELAINE,"Oh, it's a poster of the three tenors.",JERRY,"Oh. (Intercom buzzes, Jerry answers it) Yeah?"
SALLY,(Through the intercom) It's Sally.,JERRY,"Oh, did you bring the bar-b-que sauce?"
SALLY,A whole case.,JERRY,"(Letting her up) Excellent. (To Elaine) So, did you buy that electric toothbrush I was telling you about?"
ELAINE,"(Blunt, to the point) No.",JERRY,How come? I told you - It's fantastic.
ELAINE,"Eh, I like mine.",JERRY,"I've had yours, I'm telling you - this one is ten times better. Don't you believe me?"
ELAINE,I don't want it.,JERRY,(Slightly confused by her behavior) I don't understand this. Why wouldn't you want to get something that's better if I'm telling you it's better? And it's not a little better - it's much better.
ELAINE,(Not committing to the conversation) It doesn't matter to me.,JERRY,Come in.
SALLY,"(Peppy) Well, here I am!",JERRY,"Oh, hi. Elaine, this is Sally."
ELAINE,Hi.,JERRY,How was your flight? (Wishful thinking) Pretty uncomfortable?
SALLY,"(Setting the box down on his table) Actually, the seat next to me was empty, so, there was no problem at all.",JERRY,"(Let down) Oh.. (Starts to open the box) Oh, wait.. (Holding up one of the BBQ jars) This isn't the sauce that I asked for!"
SALLY,"That's right. It's a special gourmet sauce. ""The Pride of Memphis!""",JERRY,"(Complaining) No, no. I wanted the one in the little bottle with that guy on it that looks like Charles Grodin!"
SALLY,"This is much better. And frankly, in Memphis, we think that other sauce as (Whispering) kind of a joke.",JERRY,I know it's a joke. It's supposed to be a joke! Now I'm going on the Charles Grodin Show with nothing. (Sets the jar down angrily) Nothing!
SALLY,You could just do your material.,JERRY,(Peeved) I don't have any material!
[Setting,Jerry's apartment],JERRY,(Still ticked off) That woman is such an idiot! I was gonna do this whole bit on that bottle - and now I got nothing to talk about.
ELAINE,"Well, have you ever considered writing new material?",JERRY,"Well, maybe if I didn't have so many people in my apartment all the time I'd be able to get some work done."
ELAINE,(Getting the hint) Me? Are you talking about me?,JERRY,(Deeply sarcastic) No. You're never here.
ELAINE,"(Reflecting) Boy, that doll was really freaky, wasn't it?",JERRY,"Yeah. Really. (Forming and idea) Hey, you know what? Maybe I could talk about that on the show."
ELAINE,What?,JERRY,Show the doll - show the picture of George's mother.. it's pretty funny. (Moving toward the phone) I'm gonna call them.
SALLY,Hello?,JERRY,"Hello, Susan? It's Jerry."
SALLY,"Hi Jerry, it's Sally!",JERRY,(Disappointed) Oh. Is George there?
SALLY,"No, but he should be home soon.",JERRY,"Uh, listen, this is important. Tell him to meet me at the TV studio with a picture of his mother and that doll that looks like her."
SALLY,Is this for your comedy routine?,JERRY,(Obviously resents talking to her) Yes.
ELAINE,Is George here?,JERRY,Not yet. (Points over to a man sitting in one of the room's chairs. Whispers) The other guy.
ELAINE,"(As he is signing) Oh, thank you so much. (He finishes. Elaine gives out a happy gasp) Thank you so much, Mr.. (Tries to read his signature) Camaro. (Carreras gives her a look as he is getting up) Mr. Casea? (He walks off as Elaine rolls the picture back up. Jerry gives his ""That's a shame"" face) Well, whatever. (To Jerry) I'm gonna take this to the Maestro. He's, he's playing at the Queens Convalescent Center.",JERRY,"(Joking around) Well, that's one hell of a gig. (Turning around, he picks up a box labeled ""Ori-dent"") Hey, look, I got something for you. The Ori-dent!"
ELAINE,(Mock joy) Ohh.. thank you. (Accepts the gift) Huh.. (Struggles under the size) Wha-- why does a toothbrush come in such a big box?,JERRY,"Well, it's a delicate mechanism - It, you know, needs lots of packaging."
ELAINE,(Still trying to get a grasp on the package) How am I supposed to carry this thing? (She looks up to see Jerry taking his pants off) What are you doing?,JERRY,"Well, I want to sit down."
ELAINE,So?,JERRY,"It's a trick I just learned from Kramer. It keeps a crease in the pants. (Folds his pants over the head of a chair, then sits down in another. When he sees Elaine's staring at him, he makes a ""Tada!"" gesture with his hands. Elaine holds her hand up - as if to say ""I'll see ya."", and while she's slowly walking out Jerry gives her a salute)"
SALLY,"Hey there, Mr. Hairy legs!",JERRY,"(Surprised to see her, he gets up) Where's George?"
SALLY,"Don't worry, I brought your doll.. (Pulls out an extremely different doll - this one resembles a baker) Tada!",JERRY,(Complaining) No! That's the wrong doll!
SALLY,"Jerry, I saw the doll you were talking about - not funny! This doll's much funnier. Look, it has a little bowtie, and a cute little hat.. I think it's a riot!",JERRY,(Slow whispering) This is a nightmare.
SALLY,"Oh well, I'll be watching. (Sets the doll down, then crosses her fingers) Don't screw up. (Leaves)",JERRY,My pants!
GEORGE,"June. Juune, baby!",JERRY,What?
GEORGE,The catering hall screwed up. The wedding is delayed until June. It's like a stay of execution.,JERRY,Dead man walking.
GEORGE,(pointing to Jerry in joyous agreement) Ha-ha-hah. This is my lucky day.,JERRY,"Well, one outta twenty thousand. That's not bad."
GEORGE,"Yeah. Hey, wait a second, you know, good news for you too. Susan's best friend, Hallie? Broke up with her boyfriend.",JERRY,She did?
GEORGE,Yeah.,JERRY,So? Wheels?
GEORGE,In motion. The wheels are in motion.,JERRY,Beautiful.
GEORGE,"Aah, hey. (enthusiastic) If this works out, forget about it. Vacations together, movies together, dinner together. It..it's almost as good as if I didn't get married.",JERRY,"So, set it up. You know what, we could have dinner at the Friars Club."
GEORGE,The Friars Club?,JERRY,"Yeah, I'm thinking of joining. Pat Cooper said he would put me up for membership."
KRAMER,"Hey everybody. (to Jerry) Listen, uh, do me a favour, will you? I got a hot date tonight with Connie. Knock on my door, wake me up in twenty minutes, alright?",JERRY,Catnap?
KRAMER,"No, no, no, no. (comes in) This is evolutionary. I been reading this book, on Leonardo de Vinci. See, that means 'from Vinci', d'you know that?",JERRY,(deadpan) That must be some book.
KRAMER,"Yeah, well, turns out that the master slept only twenty minutes every three hours. Now, that works out to two and a half extra days, that I'm awake per week, every week. Which means, if I live to be eighty, I will have lived the equivalent of a hundred and five years.",JERRY,Just imagine how much more you'll accomplish.
KRAMER,"Oh, I got a lot of things in the hopper, buddy.",JERRY,I didn't know you had a hopper.
PETERMAN,"Eh, never mind. (turns to Elaine) Elaine, you do it.",JERRY,"Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld. Pat Cooper made a reservation for me."
MAITRE D',"Yes, Mr Seinfeld, but uhm, all gentlemen are required to wear jackets in the dining room.",JERRY,"(downcast) Oh, I'm sorry."
HALLIE,(smiling) How embarrassing this must be for you.,JERRY,(jocular) You just bought your own dinner.
MAITRE D',"No problem. Please, follow me.",JERRY,(passing Hallie) 'Scuse me.
GEORGE,Friars.,JERRY,"Hey, not bad. (pointing to crest) I kinda like this little thing here."
SUSAN,"(to Hallie) Mmm, mm, mm. Hallie (points to her plate) taste this fish. It's really delicious.",JERRY,(to George) That might be the stupidest thing you've ever said.
GEORGE,"(to Jerry) Oh, get outta here.",JERRY,"(to George) I mean, come on. (a thought occurs) No, the stupidest thing you ever said was when you said Steve Kroft from Sixty Minutes is the same guy from *Seals and Croft*."
HALLIE,(to Susan) Oh. Remember (indistinct) wedding?,JERRY,"Oh, come on."
GEORGE,Look...,JERRY,Alright.
KRAMER,"Yeah, morning.",JERRY,Morning?
KRAMER,"Yeah, what time is it?",JERRY,(looks at watch) Ten-thirty.
KRAMER,"(pleased) Ah, see. (rubs his hands together) I got the whole night ahead of me. (looks at Jerry) Boy, that's a nice jacket, huh?",JERRY,"(realising) Ohh, I don't believe this. I forgot to give it back. It belongs to the Friars Club."
KRAMER,"Yeah, I like that crest. (he shakes cereal into the bowl) Alright, here we go.",JERRY,Breakfast?
KRAMER,(pouring cereal) Oh yeah. Most important meal of the day.,JERRY,So this Da Vinci sleep is working out?
KRAMER,"(enthusiastic) Oh, I'm percolating, Jerry. I'm telling you, I have never felt so fertile. I'm mossy, Jerry. My brain is mossy. Listen to this idea. (fetches a spoon from the drawer) A restaurant that serves only peanut butter and jelly. (clicks tongue)",JERRY,What d'you call it?
KRAMER,P B and J's. What d'you think?,JERRY,(deadpan) I think you need more sleep.
KRAMER,(dismissive) Ahh.,JERRY,"So, how'd your date work out with the mysterious Connie?"
KRAMER,"I am telling you, this woman is strange. She never wants to leave the apartment. It's almost like she doesn't wanna be seen with me.",JERRY,"Oh, now you're being ridiculous."
KRAMER,"(laughing) He he, yeah.",JERRY,(indicates the bowl of cereal) No milk?
KRAMER,(prodding Jerry) C'mon buddy.,JERRY,(startled) Kramer!
KRAMER,You awake?,JERRY,(confused) Wha..? What time is it?
KRAMER,W...It's four.,JERRY,(aghast) Four in the morning?!
KRAMER,Yeah.,JERRY,"Well, what's wrong with you?"
KRAMER,"I'm bored. I got all this free time on my hands, I dunno what to do. You wanna do something?",JERRY,No. Would you just get out?
KRAMER,You wanna rent a movie?,JERRY,No!
KRAMER,"Well, what am I gonna do?",JERRY,Ready for lunch?
ELAINE,"Listen, there is something really suspicious about this guy. Every time Mr Peterman tries to assign him any work, he says he can't hear, and it all gets dumped on me.",JERRY,You think he's faking?
ELAINE,"Did you see that? Did you see that, Jerry?",JERRY,That was him?
ELAINE,Yes.,JERRY,Somehow I thought he'd be taller.
ELAINE,"Alright, listen, we'll have to do this again some other time, okay? I got a lotta work to do.",JERRY,"(standing) Alright, I'll see you later."
ELAINE,Alright.,JERRY,"Hey, Bob."
BOB,Hi.,JERRY,(urgent whisper) Elaine.
ELAINE,(makes an irked noise),JERRY,I was just in the bathroom.
ELAINE,"(really doesn't want to know) Okay, Jerry, please, please. I'm really busy here.",JERRY,"No, no, no. I was just in the bathroom with that Bob guy."
ELAINE,So what?,JERRY,"No, I kinda tried to test his hearing."
ELAINE,Get out! What'd you do?,JERRY,"Well, I kinda snuck up behind him at the urinal and tried to see if he could hear me."
ELAINE,(hopeful) And?,JERRY,"Well, he flinched, sort of."
ELAINE,"What d'you mean, sort of? What'd he do?",JERRY,"Well, he kinda moved his head, you know. It mighta been on the zip up, I dunno."
ELAINE,So you don't know anything?,JERRY,"Actually, no."
ELAINE,"(sarcasm) Alright, good job.",JERRY,Right.
GEORGE,"(entering) Last night, huh? Was that something, or was that something?",JERRY,That was something.
GEORGE,"Ah. She's great, isn't she?",JERRY,(positive) Fantastic. Fantastic woman.
GEORGE,I told you.,JERRY,I'm nuts about her.
GEORGE,You think she could be an 'it'? Could she be an 'it'?,JERRY,She could be an 'it'.
GEORGE,(claps hands triumphantly) We might have an 'it'!,JERRY,She's got 'it' written all over her.
GEORGE,"She's got everything, right? (counts on his fingers) She's intelligent, she's smart, she's got a great sense of humour.",JERRY,"Well, I dunno. I didn't really talk to her."
GEORGE,"Well, she's smart. You take my word for it.",JERRY,Whatever.
GEORGE,"(gleeful) Hehee. W..we could be like the Gatsbys. Didn't they always like, you know, a bunch of people around, and they were all best friends?",JERRY,That doesn't sound right.
GEORGE,"No. So, tonight she's got tickets for that show she's been working on. The Flying Sandos Brother.",JERRY,Flying Sandos. Beautiful.
GEORGE,"Great. Seven-thirty, alright?",JERRY,Walk me down to the Friars.
GEORGE,"Sure. So, uh, Jerry, there's an empty apartment in my building. If you and Hallie want, we could try and hold it, may...",JERRY,It's not here.
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,"Th..the jacket, it's not here. It's gotta be here somewhere."
KRAMER,"Oh, boy.",JERRY,(to Kramer) Thanks for that four a.m. wakeup call last night. (frustrated) Where the hell is that jacket?
KRAMER,"Oh, the one with the crest.",JERRY,Yeah.
KRAMER,"Well, I, uh, I borrowed it last night and it got a little dirty.",JERRY,(irritated) Great.
KRAMER,(laughing to himself) Somehow I dozed off and woke up in a pile of garbage.,JERRY,Somehow? You've had an hour and twenty minutes sleep in three days!
KRAMER,"Well, so, look, the cleaner said you could pick it up tonight at six.",JERRY,Alright. I just hope I can get it to the Friars Club before the show.
GEORGE,Won't be a problem...(mumbles),JERRY,(to Kramer) Hey.
HALLIE,Yeah.,JERRY,"Sorry, sorry I'm late."
GEORGE,"Isn't that the uh, Friars Club jacket?",JERRY,"Yeah, it wasn't ready on time. I have to return it after the show."
GEORGE,"Sure, sure, sure, sure. (patting Jerry on the shoulders) How about these seats? Are these fantastic, huh? Huh? I feel like Lincoln.",JERRY,"Yeah. Well, let's hope this evening turns out a little better."
SANDOS BROTHER 1,How would you kind people like to lend a hand with our next trick?,JERRY,(smiling) I don't think so.
SANDOS BROTHER 1,"Please, take off your jacket.",JERRY,My jacket?
GEORGE,Give him the jacket.,JERRY,(giving in) Alright.
GEORGE,This is very exciting. The inner sanctum.,JERRY,Hi. I..I was in the audience earlier. You threw my jacket down. I just wanted to pick it up.
SANDOS BROTHER 2,Jacket? What jacket?,JERRY,"(explaining) I had a jacket with a crest on it. You came into the audience, you threw it away. Agrabah."
SANDOS BROTHER 2,A..are you sure it was me?,JERRY,"Well, it was either you or one of your brothers."
SANDOS BROTHER 2,(shaking his head apologetically) No.,JERRY,It doesn't even belong to me. It belongs to the Friars Club.
HALLIE,"Jerry, I'm sure it'll turn up.",JERRY,(cynical) I'm sure it won't.
GEORGE,"(cheerful) Alright, there you go. She's gonna get the jacket back. (claps hands) So, let's go get some coffee, huh?",JERRY,"(downcast) No, I'm a little tired. I think I'll go home."
GEORGE,Really?,JERRY,"Yeah, we'll do it another time."
GEORGE,(urgent) No! Check! (quieter) Please.,JERRY,(looking after the guys) That nut is always up to something.
ELAINE,"(resigned) Of course, Mr Peterman.",JERRY,"(into phone) Tell 'em I'll come down and talk to 'em. Okay, bye. (to George) Well, that was the Friars Club. D'you think they're gonna let a jacket-stealer join? I don't think so! They're gonna charge me eight hundred dollars for the jacket, and I gotta deal with Pat Cooper!"
GEORGE,"It's a little unusual. So, uh, Susan and I were thinking, uh, dinner at our house Saturday night. Just the four of us.",JERRY,"(unenthusiastic) Uhh, I don't think so."
GEORGE,(worried) Why not?,JERRY,"(impassive) Ah, I'm a little turned off."
GEORGE,"(standing) C'mon, what're you talking about?",JERRY,"Ahh, I'm, I'm kinda soured."
GEORGE,You're soured?,JERRY,"Yeah, I'm soured."
GEORGE,Don't be soured.,JERRY,I'm sorry. I'm soured.
GEORGE,(animated) What're you kidding me? We were all getting along so well. Where is all this coming from?,JERRY,"Well, you know, frankly, I don't think she was too concerned about my jacket."
GEORGE,(animated) What're you talking about?! She's very concerned! She said she was gonna get it back.,JERRY,"(indifferent) Yeah, we'll see."
GEORGE,"(worked up) Because if she gets it back, then you'll have no reason to be sour. You'll de-sour, right?",JERRY,I'll try and de-sour.
GEORGE,"(aggravated) Oh, that's not good enough! You don't try and de-sour. You have to sweeten too!",JERRY,(sharp) I'll try! I'll try and de-sour and sweeten.
GEORGE,I wanna get it back when we were the Gatsbys.,JERRY,I still don't know what that means.
KRAMER,God.,JERRY,(astonished) Oh god! What happened to you?!
KRAMER,(animated) She tried to kill me Jerry!,JERRY,Who?
KRAMER,(shouts) Connie!,JERRY,What'd she do?
KRAMER,"I don't know! (building to a shout) But I woke up in the Hudson river in a SACK!! I think she drugged me, but she's a murderer and I'm calling the cops.",JERRY,(bewildered) Why would she try and kill you?
KRAMER,(to door) Gah!,JERRY,"Hey, there's uncle Milty."
GEORGE,"(pleased) Yeah, it is.",JERRY,(pointing) And there's David Steinberg.
GEORGE,"The comedian, or the manager?",JERRY,The manager.
PAT,"Hey, Jerry. What the hell went wrong? What's the matter with you? Are you a kleptomaniac, or what?",JERRY,I forgot to take it off.
PAT,"(dubious) You forgot to take it off? Oh, you go into a department store, you put a suit on, and you walk right out. What are you some sort of an idiot?",JERRY,I'm sorry.
PAT,Where's the jacket?,JERRY,"Well, one of the gypsies took it."
PAT,"(interrupting) Then what am I talking to you for? (to Jerry) Jerry, bring the jacket back tomorrow.",JERRY,Alright.
GEORGE,Look at that guy. Right there. Isn't that the guy from the show? He's..he's wearing the jacket.,JERRY,"God, you're right."
MAITRE D',"Wait a second! Excuse me gentlemen, are you members?",JERRY,"Well, I'm a prospective member."
MAITRE D',"Until then, (pointing) that's the way out.",JERRY,But that guy has my jacket.
MAITRE D',Come on.,JERRY,Come on.
ELAINE,"Get a hold of yourself, Bob! (throwing Bob back between the seats) Get a hold of yourself!",JERRY,I dunno how that guy gave us the slip at the Friars Club.
GEORGE,"I told you, he probably went out the back.",JERRY,Ouf.
SANDOS BROTHER 1,"No, it is not. It is my jacket.",JERRY,"(adamant) No, no, no. That's my jacket, give it back."
SANDOS BROTHER 1,"No, it is not. This is mine.",JERRY,C'mon I need it.
GEORGE,What's he yelling about? They're stealing jackets here!,JERRY,Can you believe it?!
GEORGE,Moose?,JERRY,Yeah. (subdued) I don't think this is the jacket.
HALLIE,This is the jacket.,JERRY,"Ohh, you got the jacket back."
GEORGE,"Ohh, yeahh.",JERRY,(taking the jacket) Thank you.
HALLIE,"It got a little dirty, so they wanted to clean it before they gave it back to you.",JERRY,"Oh. (smiling) Oh, that's nice of 'em."
HALLIE,Yeah.,JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,This is nice.,JERRY,Yeahh.
GEORGE,(moody) Great! Now she's sour!,JERRY,Maybe she'll sweeten.
JACKIE,(adamant) I don't want nothing to do with it.,JERRY,I'm looking for a crested blazer
CRAIG,A crested blazer..,JERRY,I've worn one once and I really think it did something for me.
CRAIG,(turning around) Yes .I Think we may have something. (picks up a blazer) The Joseph Aboud crested blazer is the finest.... That's hand ticking around the crest and these are the world famous Corriso buttons made from the finest Andulo corn.,JERRY,(softly) Hmm.. they'll match my sneakers.
CRAIG,It looks fabulous on you... shall I wrap it up?,JERRY,You know...I'm not sure. I'll tell you what. I'll come back later with someone and see what they think.
CRAIG,(doubtful) A Hum!,JERRY,Really I'll be back.
CRAIG,Yeah!,JERRY,"So I didn't like the crest all that much., but the guy spent fifteen minutes with me so to get out of the store I told I wanted to see what someone else thought.... And then he makes a face like he doesn't believe me."
ELAINE,Ah! So he knew that you were making it up.!,JERRY,Yeah..... He caught me So here's what I want you to do. Come back with me to the store and we'll pretend to look at the coat.
ELAINE,That's ridiculous. Why do do you want to go back there if you don't want the coat?,JERRY,Because he thinks I was lying and I want to show him I wasn't.
ELAINE,But you were!!,JERRY,"But if you go back with me , then I'm not."
GEORGE,(still on the phone) All right fine.... Whatever,JERRY,(to George) Problems with the house guest?
GEORGE,He's with the touring company of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. He's the guy in charge of the wigs.,JERRY,Boy.. imagine.. liking wigs to the point it becomes a career choice.
KRAMER,Oh I'm down.,JERRY,(proud of himself) Remember me? I said I 'd come back with someone and I did. Surprised?.
CRAIG,No I believed you.,JERRY,Yeah.... well Elaine.
ELAINE,Yeeeahh!!!,JERRY,(impatiently cutting in) Hey Elaine What about the crest.? What d'you think of the crest here.
CRAIG,Well .... Will it be check or credit card?,JERRY,(giving up) Check.
ELAINE,(laughs and giggles like a schoolgirl),JERRY,You weren't supposed to say that.
ELAINE,But I really did like it,JERRY,That's not the point. You put me in a position where I had no choice.
ELAINE,uhn... Sorry!,JERRY,And what about that guy asking you out right in front of me?
ELAINE,What is the big deal!!,JERRY,"...'s very emasculating, he doesn't know the nature of our relationship. You're there approving new clothes.....That's a girlfriend job! How dare he!!"
KRAMER,(frantically pulling at his doorknob) Thank god you're home. I'm wiped out. I drop my car at Jiffy Park and I forgot to take my apartment keys off the ring. So you got my spare?,JERRY,No I gave it back to you
KRAMER,y'did.........phfwelll. Look.. hum..... Can you take me over there?,JERRY,Oh Come on!!
KRAMER,"Oh Come on Jerry, It's all the way over to twelfth avenue..",JERRY,"I didn,t tell you to park in that lot .. Now someone's gonna have to drive you every time you need your car.? Take the bus!"
KRAMER,I'm not going to take the bus that's why I got a car!,JERRY,Forget it.
KRAMER,Awright I'm gonna get George to pick me up.,JERRY,He wont take ya..
ELAINE,Ah! Ah!ah!,JERRY,Hey! Greg
CRAIG,It's Craig,JERRY,Ah! right...nice. Lunch with Elaine?
CRAIG,Yes lovely.,JERRY,"You know 'm just curious, How did you know she wasn't my girlfriend?"
CRAIG,Well I could just sense it,JERRY,Because you know we used to go out.
CRAIG,Oh ! you did,JERRY,Oh Yeah we went way out and wild.
ELAINE,Hey Jerr...,JERRY,Hi Elaine.
LADY,Would you like to buy a rose for your wife? ( to Craig),JERRY,How do you know she's not my wife?
ELAINE,You were wrong about Craig . He's a very sweet guy.,JERRY,"Well, what about the ponytail?"
ELAINE,what about it?,JERRY,C'mon Ponytail ...Get real.
ELAINE,All I know he's promised me a discount on that dress.,JERRY,Of course he did ..The guy's working ya.
ELAINE,Ah! Jerry I've been around long enough to know when I'm being worked.,JERRY,Have you slept with him yet?
ELAINE,I just met him this morning.,JERRY,"It's been known to happen....... telling you right now Elaine, this guy 's gonna dangle that dress in front of you like a dirt farmer dangles a carrot in front of a mule."
ELAINE,. Well this is all very flattering...,JERRY,(interrupts)like a shark fisherman with a bucket of (?) Ch....
ELAINE,Ok....,JERRY,(continues)Like a shrimp farmer....
ELAINE,Hem!! No reason.,JERRY,You know that clothing salesman had a lot of nerve hitting on Elaine right in front of me. He stands to make a big commission too on that jacket with the crest that nobody seems to like. You know what I'm gonna do.? I'm gonna take that jacket back.. I'm putting this guy ....RIGHT OUT OF COMMISSION....
KRAMER,Heeeeeummmrph.... I'm gonna turn in,JERRY,Turn in?
KRAMER,"Yeah,I had a tough day",JERRY,It's only nine o clock.
KRAMER,Well ..I don't argue with the body Jerry. It's an argument you can't win.,JERRY,I can't go to sleep at nine o clock!
KRAMER,Well you can go to your room and read.,JERRY,"Hey look ,you know, you're the one who's locked out. I'm letting you stay here. You're wearing my bathrobe. You should adapt to me."
KRAMER,But I'm tired..,JERRY,Oh why don't you go sleep over at Newman's.
KRAMER,Aah! He's got a girl up there. This quilt is too thin...I know I'm gonna get cold. I don't even fit on this couch. Don't even know if I'm gonna sleep....,JERRY,Well that's all I got.
KRAMER,Can I sleep with you?,JERRY,Huh?
KRAMER,Well you got that big comfortable bed and that nice warm quilt.,JERRY,"Kramer , there's no way you're sleeping with me."
KRAMER,Why?,JERRY,Why?
KRAMER,Yeah!,JERRY,Do I really have to explain why?
ELAINE,Ok so ..I am positive you are wrong about Craig.,JERRY,Yeah Why?
ELAINE,Because he told a man he'd give him a discount too... a man Jerry.,JERRY,"So ,Who is he?"
ELAINE,Some friend of his from England.,JERRY,Don't you see?...........It's all a big scam.
ATTENDANT,Ideally..,JERRY,Excuse me I'd like to return this jacket.
TELLER,Certainly. May I ask why?,JERRY,........For spite...
TELLER,Spite?,JERRY,That's right. I don't care for the salesman that sold it to me.
TELLER,I don't think you can return an item for spite.,JERRY,What do you mean?
TELLER,"Well if there was some problem with the garment. If it were unsatisfactory in some way, then we could do it for you, but I'm afraid spite doesn't fit into any of our conditions for a refund",JERRY,"That's ridiculous, I want to return it. What's the difference what the reason is."
BOB,What seems to be the problem?,JERRY,Well I want to return this jacket and she asked me why and I said for spite and now she won't take it back.
BOB,That's true. You can't return an item based purely on spite.,JERRY,. Well So fine then ..then I don't want it and then that's why I'm returning it
BOB,Well you already said spite so......,JERRY,But I changed my mind..
KRAMER,Hey! Elaine..,JERRY,OH! Hey!!
KRAMER,"Yes, she's the costume designer and he's the wig master for the show.",JERRY,Hey You're staying with my friend George.
ETHAN,Right George! I get the feeling he doesn't want me there.,JERRY,Well he doesn't even want himself there.
CHARMAINE,Why don't you sit down and join us?,JERRY,All right. (sits down)
ETHAN,Have you ever thought about selling it .It would make a brilliant wig..,JERRY,They make wigs out of human hairs?
KRAMER,Bye!!,JERRY,Bye!
ETHAN,There's your Champagne Coolie. Well looks like it's just you and me cowboy!.,JERRY,...Guess so.
ETHAN,This is Jerry.,JERRY,Hello..
JESSIE,You're kidding... Listen maybe you and I should...ehmmm get together . Have you been on the slide at Club USA it's ...intense.,JERRY,(Interrupts) Excuse me...Excuse me... Are you asking him out ?
JESSIE,Yeah...I guess you could say that..,JERRY,"Right in front of me!. How do you know we're not together. Two guys, sittin' laughin' drinking Champagne Coolies."
JESSIE,I dunno I just didn't think you were.,JERRY,Well we're sitting here together. Why wouldn't you think that.
JESSIE,I dont know. I just didn't.,JERRY,Well it's very emasculating..
ELAINE,One of those fabric wholesalers. This guy Todd Gack. I won a bet from him.,JERRY,What bet?
ELAINE,He bet me Dustin Hoffman was in Star Wars.,JERRY,Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars!?! Short Jewish guy against Darth Vader. I don't think so.
ELAINE,That's what I said.,JERRY,So the bet was that the loser has to buy dinner?
ELAINE,Yeah.,JERRY,Huh.
ELAINE,What?,JERRY,No. nothing.
KRAMER,Feel this.,JERRY,Wow.That's hot.
KRAMER,Oh. All right. You don't know what your missing. I'm loving this Jerry. I am never putting on another piece of clothing unless it's straight out of the dryer.,JERRY,So know every time you get dressed. You are going to go down to the basement and use the dryer.
KRAMER,"Oh yeah. It's a warm and wonderful feeling, Jerry. So what are you doing later?",JERRY,I got a date with Nikki.
KRAMER,Oh yeah she's a beauty.,JERRY,She's also quite bold.
MR. STEINBRENNER,All right lost and found. But these got to be a time limit. We're not running a pawn shop here.,JERRY,"Hey, Elaine."
ELAINE,Hi Jerry!,JERRY,This is Nikki.
ELAINE,Hello. This is Todd Gack.,JERRY,Oh of course. Todd Gack. You did you bet was in Star Wars? Sammy Davis Jr.
ELAINE,"Oh. We were going to see that but it was sold out. So were going to see""Blame it on the Rain""",JERRY,Why don't you see what you can do?
ELAINE,What's she going to do? There's no more tickets.,JERRY,We'll see.
TODD,Hey Jerry. Do you like cigars?,JERRY,Yeah. Why?
TODD,I am going to Montreal tomorrow and they sell them dirt cheap.,JERRY,"Hey,that might be a nice idea for George's wedding."
TODD,So do you want a box?,JERRY,Sure. If there cheap Why not.
NIKKI,"Okay two tickets""Means to an End""",JERRY,Told you.
NIKKI,I just talked to the manager.,JERRY,"All right. Enjoy""Blame it on the Rain"""
GEORGE,There putting in a lost and found because of me. There's a time limit but still.,JERRY,There really building a Utopian society up there huh.And you tribute all this to the calzone.
GEORGE,Yeah. I am like a drug dealer. I got the guy hooked. I am having lunch at his desk everyday this week. He doesn't make a move without me. It's very exciting.,JERRY,With you two guys at the helm. The last piece of the puzzle is in place.
GEORGE,So let me ask you a question about the tip jar. I had a little thing with the calzone guy this week. I go to drop a buck in the tip jar and just as I am about to drop it in he looks the other way. And then when I am leaving he gives me this look think thanks for nothing. I mean if they don't notice it what's the point.,JERRY,So you don't make it a habit of giving to the blind.
GEORGE,Not bills.,JERRY,So George. Remember when I told you Nikki gets whatever she wants. We are at the movies last night. It's sold out. Nikki goes and talks to the manager. Right in.
GEORGE,Beautiful women. You know they could get away with murder. You never she any of them lift anything over three pounds. They get whatever they want whenever they want it. You can't stop them.,JERRY,She's like a beautiful Godzilla.
KRAMER,Hey buddy.,JERRY,What the hell is all this?
KRAMER,I am looking for quarters for the dryer.,JERRY,Why can't you do this on your table?
ELAINE,Hey.,JERRY,"Hey. So how was""Blame it on the Rain?"""
ELAINE,Huh. Yeah thanks for getting us tickets too.,JERRY,Oh!! Let me ask you a question. Was the movie part of the bet?
ELAINE,No. We were both in the mood for one.,JERRY,"You know Elaine, It is not my way to intrude on the personal lives of close fiends...."
ELAINE,Oh is that so.,JERRY,Absolutely. But I feel I must inform you that what happened last night was more than a simple bet.
ELAINE,What are you talking about?,JERRY,Come on. Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars. He made a bet he knew he was going to lose just to take you to dinner
ELAINE,If he wanted to ask me out why didn't he just ask me.,JERRY,Because if he doesn't ask you out he doesn't get rejected. He has found a dating loop hole.
ELAINE,I don't buy it.,JERRY,So what happened after the movie?
ELAINE,Nothing. He walked me home.,JERRY,To the door?
ELAINE,Yeah.,JERRY,That's a date.
ELAINE,No it's not.,JERRY,But I never walk you home.
KRAMER,Ah!! I found a quarter. Anybody want there clothes heated up?,JERRY,"No, no."
ELAINE,"No, no.",JERRY,So how did you leave it with him?
ELAINE,I am supposed to meet him to pick up your cigars.,JERRY,That's another loop hole. That's two dates without asking you out.
ELAINE,Your crazy!,JERRY,Crazy like a man.
POLICE OFFICER,Do you know what the posted speed limit on this road is?,JERRY,I was got to be 55.
POLICE OFFICER,That's right it is. Do you know how fast you were going?,JERRY,A lot faster than that!
POLICE OFFICER,Step out of the car sir.,JERRY,Okay dokey
POLICE OFFICER,Can I have your license and registration please?,JERRY,Absolutely. Nikki!
NIKKI,Yes.,JERRY,Would you mind bringing the officer the registration?
POLICE OFFICER,I got you on the radar at 93 miles per hour.,JERRY,You must have gotten me when I slowed down to take that curve because for a while there I was doing well over 100.
NIKKI,Officer. Hi. Do you really have to give us a ticket?,JERRY,All right Nik. That's it.
KRAMER,Hey buddy. I am waiting for my shirt.,JERRY,You got your shirt in my oven!?!
KRAMER,I didn't have any quarters for the dryer. Anyway this is better. And it's more convenient.,JERRY,For both of us.
KRAMER,And I have a lot more control. I have one shirt going for 10 minutes at 325 degrees.,JERRY,What's wrong with your oven?
KRAMER,I am baking a pie!,JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,Yeah.,JERRY,Come on up.
KRAMER,"You got cigars, huh.",JERRY,I got some Cubans for George's wedding. They were more than I wanted to pay for but what the hell!
KRAMER,"Oh yeah baby. spit, spit. What are these?""Perducto de Peru""Jerry, if you think these are Cubans you have another thing coming.",JERRY,Peru! I paid $300 bucks for these. I could have bought a house in Peru for $300 bucks!
KRAMER,You got ripped buddy.,JERRY,I got to pay this Todd Gack guy $300 bucks just so he has some excuse to see Elaine again without asking her out.
GEORGE,Well this is bad. I am really in a bad situation now.,JERRY,so what is Steinbrenner going to do if he doesn't get his calzones?
GEORGE,What's he going to do? That's exactly the point. Nobody knows what this guy is capable of! He fires people like it is a bodily function.,JERRY,Why don't you get someone else from the office to go get Pisano's for you?
GEORGE,Because before you know it he'll be having lunch with him. You know how these interoffice politics work.,JERRY,No. I never had a job.
GEORGE,What the hell is this?,JERRY,Kramer's cooking up some corduroy.
GEORGE,I'll see you guys later.,JERRY,What kind of pie are you cooking?
NIKKI,Peru? I thought you wanted cigars from Cuba?,JERRY,I did.
NIKKI,Well if these aren't what you wanted then why did you pay him?,JERRY,Well what could I do? Unless you pay him a visit.
MR. STEINBRENNER,(on phone) That's right. Do you want to say it again. I'll say it again. I hadn't had a pimple since I was eighteen and I don't care that you don't believe me or not. And how's this. Your fired. Okay your not. I am just a little hungry. Where's Costanza with my calzone. It's 115. He's late. That smell. I have to call you back. Costanza. He's in the building. Costanza is in the building and he's not in this office. Costanza! I'll get you.,JERRY,Stupid cigars. You know if I didn't send Nikki over to talk to him they wouldn't be together.
ELAINE,These are terrible.,JERRY,It's like trying to smoke a chicken bone.
ELAINE,What kind of a name is Todd Gack anyway.,JERRY,I think it's Dutch. I got to get going.
ELAINE,Where are you going?,JERRY,I... uh....promised Nikki that I'd walk her dog for her.
ELAINE,But she broke up with you.,JERRY,"I know, I know. But some how she explained it to me and I couldn't say no."
ELAINE,It smells like a rubber fire.,JERRY,What's that?
ELAINE,I said rubber fire.,JERRY,Oh.
ELAINE,Did you ever pay Todd for these things?,JERRY,Actually it's being taken care of right now.
GEORGE,"So he walks out of the stall, he's been talking the whole time.",JERRY,He pulled an LBJ on you.
GEORGE,LBJ?,JERRY,"Lyndon Johnson, used to do that to his staffers."
GEORGE,No kidding?,JERRY,Oh yeah. He'd hold national security meetings in there. He planned the Hanoi bombing after a bad Thai meal.
GEORGE,"Well, I still don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't even know what my assignment is.",JERRY,Ask him to repeat it. Tell him there was an echo in there.
GEORGE,"I can't. He's been on my case about not paying attention. Besides, it's too late, I already told him I heard him.",JERRY,"You know what you do? Ask him a follow-up question. Tell him you're having trouble getting started, and you want his advice."
KRAMER,Hey buddy.,JERRY,Hey.
GEORGE,Hey.,JERRY,Can I have my keys...
KRAMER,(tossing car keys to Jerry) Yeah.,JERRY,"(catching keys) ...back, please?"
KRAMER,Yes.,JERRY,"Well, what d'you think the hoboes are doing?"
GEORGE,"Awright, listen, can you uh, gimme a lift back to my place?",JERRY,No I can't. I gotta pick up Elaine. I'm taking her to this Kennedy auction.
KRAMER,"Yeah, you overload your inventory and you blow your margins on gasoline. Trust me, it doesn't work.",JERRY,"(re-entering) Hey, you're not talking that Michigan deposit bottle scam again, are you?"
KRAMER,Oh yeah. Every which way. Couldn't crunch the numbers. It drove me crazy.,JERRY,(leaving) You two keep an eye on each other?
NEWMAN/KRAMER,(simultaneous) No problem. You bet.,JERRY,Are you sure you didn't hear my car making a funny noise? I know those two idiots did something to it.
ELAINE,"No, I didn't hear anything. (she spots a familiar face) Oh, my God, look who's here.",JERRY,"Sue Ellen Mishke, the braless 'O Henry' candy bar heiress."
ELAINE,Hi Sue Ellen.,JERRY,Hi Sue Ellen.
ELAINE,"(faked laughter) Oh, ho ha ha. No, no, I'm actually here to bid, Sue Ellen. I mean that is if anything is to my liking.",JERRY,I'm here to catch a glimpse... of high society.
AUCTIONEER,Nine thousand dollars.,JERRY,Think she wants those clubs.
AUCTIONEER,"Ten thousand, to the shapely woman on the left. Ten thousand going once...",JERRY,"Well, that's your ceiling."
ELAINE,Peterman is gonna kill me.,JERRY,I really thought you had her there at seventeen thousand.
ELAINE,Why didn't you stop me?,JERRY,Do you hear this clunking?
ELAINE,"Oh. You know what? (indicates clubs) I'm gonna grab these from you later. You'll take care of 'em, okay? Okay. See you tomorrow.",JERRY,Okay.
ELAINE,"Alrighty, bye.",JERRY,Bye.
KRAMER,"Newman, it's a dead-end, c'mon. (Jerry enters) Hey, there he is.",JERRY,Hey. You put your groceries under the hood of my car?
NEWMAN,(to Kramer) That's where my missing soda is.,JERRY,"And your crab legs, and a thing of cheese. The Triple-A guy said I was this close to sucking a muffin down the carburetor. What were you thinking?"
KRAMER,We ran outta space.,JERRY,Now I gotta take the car down to Tony and get it checked out.
KRAMER,"Ah, Tony, he's good.",JERRY,"Yeah, he's real good. But he's so obsessive about the car. He makes me feel guilty about every little thing that's wrong with it. I gotta get it washed before I bring it down to him, or I'm afraid he'll yell at me."
KRAMER,(offering the artichoke can) 'Choke?',JERRY,"No, thank you."
TONY,"(lovingly) Oh, yeah. I remember this car. Beautiful car.",JERRY,"Yeah. So, anyway, the engine's been idling a little rough. I thought it might be time for a check up..."
TONY,"Well, the shift knob is loose. You know about that?",JERRY,"No, I hadn't noticed."
TONY,(accusingly) Have you been picking at it?,JERRY,Have I been picking at it? No. You know. It's just wear and tear.
TONY,(disapprovingly) Wear and tear. I see.,JERRY,The engine is really the only thing that needs checking.
TONY,You been rotating the tires?,JERRY,Try to.
GEORGE,(thoughtful) Downtown.,JERRY,The song Downtown? You mean the Petula Clark song?
GEORGE,Yeah.,JERRY,You sure he didn't just mention it because you happened to be going downtown?
GEORGE,"I think he was trying to tell me something, like it had some sort of a meaning.",JERRY,"Okay, so how does it go?"
GEORGE,"'When you're alone, and life is making you lonely, you can always go...'",JERRY,'... downtown.'
GEORGE,"'Maybe you know some little places to go, where they never close...'",JERRY,'...downtown.'
GEORGE,"Wait a second. 'Little places to go, where they never close.' What's a little place that never closes?",JERRY,Seven-eleven?
GEORGE,"'Just listen to the music of the traffic, in the city. Linger on the sidewalk, where the neon lights are pretty.' Where the neon lights are pretty. The Broadway area?",JERRY,"No, that's midtown."
GEORGE,"'The lights are much brighter there. You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares, just go...'",JERRY,'...down town.'
GEORGE,"'Things'll be great, when you're...'",JERRY,'...downtown.'
GEORGE,"I got nothing, Jerry. Nothing.",JERRY,"Well, 'don't hang around and let your troubles surround you. There are movie shows...'"
GEORGE,"You think I should come clean? What d'you think, you think I Should confess?",JERRY,How can you lose?
TONY (O.S.),"Yeah, Jerry, it's Tony Abato at the shop. Look, we gotta talk. You better come down, any time after four.",JERRY,Hello.
ELAINE,"Hi, it's me.",JERRY,"Oh, hi."
ELAINE,"Listen, I need to come over and pick up the clubs for Peterman.",JERRY,"Oh, you know what?"
ELAINE,(worry) Oh no. What?,JERRY,"Oh, no. It's no big deal. I left the clubs in the car."
ELAINE,You left them in the car? How could you leave them in the car?,JERRY,I forgot.
ELAINE,"Oh, go down and get them.",JERRY,I can't. The car's at the mechanics.
ELAINE,"Ah, this is great. Alright, well, where is the mechanic? I'll just go and pick 'em up myself.",JERRY,"No, no, you can't. He's working on the car right now. You can not disturb him while he's working. But I'm going down there in like an hour, if you wanna meet me down there. You know the place, it's on fifty-sixth street?"
ELAINE,"(resigned) Ugh, okay, alright, fine.",JERRY,"Hey, Tony."
TONY,"Thanks for coming in, Jerry.",JERRY,Sure.
TONY,"I think I know what's goin' on here, and I just wanna hear it from you. But I want you to be straight with me. Don't lie to me, Jerry. You know that motor oil you're puttin' in there? (reproachful) From one of those quicky lube places, isn't it?",JERRY,"Well, I change it so often, I mean to come all the way down here..."
TONY,"Jerry, motor oil is the lifeblood of a car. Okay, you put in a low-grade oil, you could damage vital engine parts. Okay. (holds up component) See this gasket? (throws it down) I have no confidence in that gasket.",JERRY,I really wanna...
TONY,"Here's what I wanna do. I wanna overhaul the entire engine. But it's gonna take a major commitment from you. You're gonna have to keep it under sixty miles an hour for a while. You gotta come in, and you gotta get the oil changed every thousand miles.",JERRY,How much money is this gonna cost me?
TONY,"(contempt) Huh. I don't understand you. It's your own car we're talking about. You know you wrote the wrong mileage down on the form? You barely know the car. You don't know the mileage, you don't know the tyre pressure. When was the last time you even checked the washer fluid?",JERRY,The washer fluid is fine.
TONY,(angry) The washer fluid is not fine!,JERRY,"Alright, you know what, uhm... I just wanna take my car, and I'm gonna bring it someplace else."
TONY,What d'you mean?,JERRY,"Just, can I have my car? I wanna pay my bill, I'm gonna be on my way."
TONY,"Well, the car's on a lift.",JERRY,"Well, just get it down."
TONY,"(subdued) Alright. Okay. Well, uhm, wait here and I'll uh, I'll bring it around.",JERRY,"Okay. Thank you, very much."
ELAINE,Hey. Where's the car?,JERRY,He's bringing it.
so far,"Newman and Kramer are using a USPS mail truck to run deposit bottles and cans to Michigan, in order to collect 10 cents on each of them. George has been given an assignment by Mr Wilhelm, but he hasn't a clue what it is. Elaine outbids Sue-Ellen Mishke at an auction, to buy John F Kennedy's golf clubs on behalf of Mr Peterman, and leaves them in the back of Jerry's car. Kramer and Newman have left groceries under the hood of Jerry's car, meaning Jerry has to take it to Tony the mechanic, who loves the car more than Jerry does. When Jerry asks for his car back, Tony flees in it, taking JFK's clubs with him.",JERRY,"Okay, thank you. (hangs up the phone)"
ELAINE,So? What'd they say?,JERRY,They're sending a detective to my apartment tomorrow.
ELAINE,What the hell were you thinking leaving my clubs in that car?!,JERRY,"Well, I didn't count on my mechanic pulling a Mary-Beth Whitehead, did I?"
ELAINE,What kind of maniac is this guy?,JERRY,He's a very special maniac.
ELAINE,What am I supposed to tell Mr Peterman.,JERRY,I don't know.
DETECTIVE,What was the suspect wearing at the time of the incident?,JERRY,"You know, like mechanic's pants, a shirt that said 'Tony'. Lemme ask you something, have you ever seen a case like this before?"
DETECTIVE,"All the time. A mechanic forms an emotional attachment, thinks he'sgonna lose the car, he panics, he does something rash. I'm gonna ask you somepersonal questions. I'm sorry if I touch a nerve, but I think it'll help with the case. Had you been taking good care of the car?",JERRY,Had I been taking...?
DETECTIVE,"Well, did you leave the A/C on? Do you zip over speed bumps? Do you ride the clutch? Things like that.",JERRY,"W-well, what does it matter? It's my car, I can do whatever I want with it."
DETECTIVE,"(making a note) Alright Mr Seinfeld, we'll let you know if we find anything. I gotta be honest with you, these cases never end up well.",JERRY,"Well uh, whatever you can do. Thanks."
WILHELM,"Oh yes, I read through it this morning. I couldn't have done it better myself, and I turned it right over to Mr Steinbrenner. Good work George.",JERRY,"I don't get it. He assigns it to you, you don't do it. Somehow it gets done, and now he's telling you what a great job you did."
GEORGE,"The point is, however it got done, it's done. So, any luck with the car?",JERRY,No. The police have no leads (sitting on the couch arm) and I just found out today my insurance doesn't cover it.
GEORGE,Why not?,JERRY,"They don't consider it stolen, if you wilfully give the guy the keys."
ELAINE,(to Jerry) Hey. What did the detective say?,JERRY,They're looking.
GEORGE,I gotta go.,JERRY,Y'hello.
DETECTIVE (V.O.),Mr Seinfeld?,JERRY,Yeah.
DETECTIVE (V.O.),"...I'm at the warehouse on Pier 38. Ah, I think you'd better get down here.",JERRY,"Yeah, okay. (to Elaine) They may have found the car."
ELAINE,(makes surprise noise) Are the clubs in it? Ask him.,JERRY,Are there golf clubs in the back?
DETECTIVE,How d'you do. Thanks for coming down.,JERRY,(indicating) This is Elaine Benes.
DETECTIVE,I see.,JERRY,Yeah.
DETECTIVE,"I'm sorry to make you go through this, but we need to make sure.",JERRY,"Well, what's going on? What is this thing?"
ELAINE,(horrified) Huuh! (she turns away and covers her mouth),JERRY,Oh my God!
DETECTIVE,And we know it's a Saab. The angle on the Vee-6 is definitely ninety-two. The model is hard to determine because the drive train is all burnt out.,JERRY,What is that smell?
ELAINE,Uhh,JERRY,Wait a second. Turbo? I didn't have a turbo.
DETECTIVE,Your car's not a turbo?,JERRY,"No, it's a nine-hundred S. (happy) It's a turbo, Elaine, a turbo!"
KRAMER/NEWMAN,"(singing) Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine bottle and cans in the trunk, nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine bottles and cans. At ten cents a bottle and ten cents a can, we're pulling in five hundred dollars a man. Nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight bottle and cans in the trunk, nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight bottles and cans. We fill up with gas, we count up our cash!!...",JERRY,Hello.
TONY,"Hey Jerry, it's Tony.",JERRY,"Tony, where are you?"
TONY,"Aw look, I just want you to know that the car is fine. I got her all fixed up. We're in a nice area, no potholes, no traffic. So there's nothing to worry about. Okay? In fact, here, somebody wants to talk to you.",JERRY,"Tony, y-you better bring that car back!"
TONY,"(angry) Nobody's giving anything back! You tried to take it from me, I don't forget that.",JERRY,"Tony, it is my car, and I want it back!"
TONY,"Oh, your car. You want your car back!",JERRY,Tony.
TONY,"Listen, that registration may have your name on it, Jerry. But this engine's running on my sweat and my blood.",JERRY,(exasperated) Where do I find these guys?
KRAMER,Brought my phone.,JERRY,(answering phone) Y'hello.
KRAMER,"Yeah, hey Jerry, what's your licence plate number?",JERRY,"Why, what's up?"
KRAMER,"Yeah, well I think I spotted your car.",JERRY,"Oh my god, you're kidding. (dives for his wallet) Hang on a second. (reading from his registration) It's JVN 728."
KRAMER,"(checks the car ahead of him) Hey, that's it! That's it. Hey, uh look, we got him. We're driving right behind him in a truck.",JERRY,"Oh my god. Yeah, yeah, he said he brought it to the country."
KRAMER,Well we're in the country and we're right on his tail.,JERRY,"Good work Kramer, this is incredible."
ELAINE,Elaine Benes.,JERRY,"Yeah, it's me. Kramer found the car!"
ELAINE,"Oh my god, where is it?",JERRY,"It's somewhere in the country, they're following 'em."
ELAINE,Are the clubs there?,JERRY,I don't know. They're tailing him. I'm waiting for them to call me back.
ELAINE,What's the status?,JERRY,"Last check-in, they were still on him."
ELAINE,"Well, have they called the police yet?",JERRY,"No, they won't call the police."
ELAINE,What? Why not?,JERRY,They're afraid they'll get in trouble for misusing a mail truck. Kramer doesn't want a record.
ELAINE,Kramer has a record.,JERRY,Not a Federal record.
ELAINE/JERRY,Kramer?,JERRY,What's going on?
ELAINE,I need those clubs.,JERRY,"Kramer, I want my car."
NEWMAN,"Hey, we got ten thousand deposit bottles here. I mean, this guy could be going to Arkansas.",JERRY,Keep following him Kramer. don't let me down.
KRAMER,"Jerry, we got 'im. I'm riding his tail. There's no escape. He's running scared, buddy.",JERRY,How's the gas situation?
KRAMER,"He's pulling out a gun! He's got a gun, Jerry!!",JERRY,"Duck, Kramer! Duck!"
ELAINE,"Stop the truck, Kramer. Pick up the clubs!",JERRY,"No, don't stop, Kramer. Keep going, don't let him get away."
KRAMER,(yelling at Tony) You'll have to do a lot better than that!,JERRY,(hearing the noises) What's happening!
KRAMER,I think we lost him.,JERRY,(disappointment) Dammit!
[Setting,The Coffee Shop],JERRY,Hairdo?
ELAINE,(Looking up from a menu) Yeah.,JERRY,You look like Brenda Starr.
ELAINE,Is that good?,JERRY,It's better than Dondi.
ELAINE,"Hey, my God, look at that. (Jerry looks over at the table. A man and a woman are dining) David and Beth Lookner. (Leaning in for confidentiality) You know, I heard a rumor their marriage was a little rocky.",JERRY,"(Interested, still looking at the couple) Really?"
ELAINE,Mm-hmm.,JERRY,"You know, I have a little thing for Beth Lookner."
ELAINE,"Well, I have to admit, I've always thought David was kind of sponge-worthy. (Winks, making a clicking sound with her tongue)",JERRY,Yeah.. I've been waitin' out their marriage for three years.
ELAINE,"Well, my friend, Elise, lent it to me for the week. She's out of town.",JERRY,"(Noting) You know, I've never seen you drive."
ELAINE,"(Overly generous) Hi, David!",JERRY,"Hi, Beth!"
KRAMER,Hey!,JERRY,"Hey. Hey, Mickey. What's going on?"
MICKEY,I'm very nervous. I'm auditioning to be in the Actor's Studio tonight.,JERRY,Really?
MICKEY,Kramer's going to be my scene partner.,JERRY,Kramer?
KRAMER,"Yeah, and I'm playing a business man accused of murder.",JERRY,"Ohh boy. Well, I gotta meet Elaine and run some errands. So.. (Goes for his coat)"
KRAMER,"(Fixing up his pants) Yeah.. look at this, Mickey. These pants are fallin' apart, huh?",JERRY,"(Fishing for his keys in a kitchen drawer) You know, when I first met you, Kramer, you used to wear jeans all the time."
KRAMER,"(Looking over Mickey's shoulder at the script) Yeah, well, I was a different man then.",JERRY,(Jokingly playing off Kramer's statement) With a different body.
KRAMER,"(Slightly offended) Hey, I got the body of a.. taught, pre-teen, Swedish boy.",JERRY,"Ehh, I dunno.."
ELAINE,"God, it is so great to drive again. I miss it so much! (Suddenly swerves to the right, then yells out of her window) How about a left turn signal, ya moron?!",JERRY,(His thoughts) I'm so nauseous. She's the worst driver.
MAN,Hey!,JERRY,"(Once again, the audience hears his thoughts) I'm so car sick. I'm gonna vomit!"
ELAINE,"Oh my God! Jerry! My friend, Kim called - David and Beth got separated last night!",JERRY,(Out of it) Huh?
ELAINE,"So, now, what is our move? What do we do?",JERRY,"I don't know, but we don't have much time."
ELAINE,(Agreeing) Mm.,JERRY,The city's probably teeming with people who've been waiting out that marriage.
ELAINE,Right.,JERRY,It's like when tenant dies in a rent controlled building - you gotta take immediate action.
ELAINE,"Yeeah, but David and Beth are going to need their grieving time.",JERRY,"Their grieving time is a luxury I can't afford. I'm calling Beth tonight, and if you want a clean shot at David, I suggest you do likewise."
ELAINE,"(Nodding) Yeah, yeah..",JERRY,But we gotta make it seem like we're not calling for dates.
ELAINE,Then why are we calling?,JERRY,Good question. (More to himself than to Elaine) Why are we calling?
ELAINE,"Ah! (Jerry has a surprised look) I've got it! I've got it! We're calling just to say, ""I'm there for you.""",JERRY,"(Nodding, trying it out) ""I'm there for you."""
ELAINE,Hey.,JERRY,"Hey, remember Beth and David from yesterday? They got separated."
GEORGE,"Really? (Realizes) Well, you don't think it had anything to do with what I said, do you?",JERRY,What'd you say?
GEORGE,Totally folksy.,JERRY,"hey, uh.. (Kramer walks around a little) what'd you get there?"
KRAMER,"Well, they're slim-fit.",JERRY,Slim-fit?
KRAMER,"(Talking fast) Yeah, they're streamlined.",JERRY,You're walkin' like Frankenstein!
ELAINE,"(Mock sympathy) Well.. David, it happens.",JERRY,"Sure, Beth, these things happen. (Brief pause) So, have you told many.. people yet?"
ELAINE,Because it's really nobody's business.,JERRY,"Anyway, I just called to tell you that, I'm there for you."
ELAINE,"""There"" is, um.. anywhere you want me to be..",JERRY,"Sure, dinner would be fine."
KRAMER,"Jerry, you gotta help me!",JERRY,What's wrong?
KRAMER,"I can't get my pants off, and Mickey's audition is in twenty minutes! You know, I'm supposed to be a business man, I gotta be in costume!",JERRY,"Alright, alright. Uh, undo them. I'll help you get them off."
KRAMER,"(Bracing himself on a bar stool) Yeah, I already did it. It won't come off. The zipper's suck..",JERRY,(Walks over and starts pulling on Kramer's pants) You just gotta wiggle your hips a little bit.
KRAMER,(Wiggling and floppin) Pull Down,JERRY,"(Stops pulling on the pants) Alright, alright, That's no good. (Moves Kramer over to the couch) Let me try getting them from the bottom. (Goes for Kramer's Leg) Just gimme one leg."
KRAMER,"(Feet off the ground, his body going everywhere on the couch) Wait, Jerry...Wait a minu...",JERRY,(Still pulling on Kramer's pants from the ankles) Man these are tight. (Yanking) Squinch your hips in
KRAMER,(Getting Pulled and pulled) I...um...ei...,JERRY,"(Stops) Alright, that's not gonna work, it's not gonna work. Let me just think for a second here."
KRAMER,"(Starts to tilt back onto the couch) You better get me. (Falls back and Jerry starts to him upright) Get me up, Get me up, Get me up.",JERRY,"Hold it, hold it...Look your gonna need the jaws of life to get out of those things."
KRAMER,"(walking toward the door) Look I don't have time to wait, I'm gonna be late.",JERRY,(Kramer waddling out the door) Maybe you can soak in the tub.
BETH,It was nice to get your call.,JERRY,"Well, I just want you to know I'm there for you. Course now I'm here for you, but when i'm not here for you, i'm there for you."
BETH,(Laughing) Well where ever you are i appreciate it.,JERRY,So how did this all happen?
BETH,"Well actually, it had a lot to do with George's comment.",JERRY,(stunned) Is that right?
BETH,I thought maybe i could do better.,JERRY,"Maybe, maybe"
BETH,"Well it wasn't just that, i realized after 3 years of marriage that David's little quirks were getting on my nerves a little.",JERRY,(agreeing) well three years is a long time to be married.
ELAINE,Did I have a great time with David Lickner last night? I sure did. (Jerry comes over to the couch with a beverage and sits down) Do I think there is a future here? I don't see why not.,JERRY,"I'll tell you, that There for you crap was a stroke of genius."
ELAINE,"Ooooh, please.",JERRY,Never mind
ELAINE,Ah come on,JERRY,You're a Genius!
GEORGE,"(confused) What, what's going on?",JERRY,"What's going on? You're the man of the hour, That's what's going on."
GEORGE,So it was my comment that broke them up?,JERRY,According to them
GEORGE,"I feel terrible, I can't be responsible for breaking up a marriage. Oh no (starting moving for the door, Elaine begins to stop him)",JERRY,(moving over to block the door) Where are you going?
GEORGE,Well I gotta go talk to Beth.,JERRY,Talk to Beth?
GEORGE,Well I gotta undo what I did.,JERRY,You're not undoing anything.
GEORGE,Oh yes I am,JERRY,Oh no you're not!
BETH,(gets up to answer the phone) I don't know about that. Hold on (Picks phone up) Hello...Hi (pauses for Jerry to speak) ya last night I had a good time too (pauses for Jerry to speak) Really? that's so funny he's here right now.,JERRY,"(talking to Beth on the phone) Could you put him on, I'd love to say hello."
GEORGE,"Sweet guy (Receives the phone from Beth, Starts to talk to Jerry) Hello",JERRY,George what the hell are you doing over there? I told you to mind your own business now stay out of my affairs!
GEORGE,"Oh Jerry, that is so sweet of you but actually i already ate.",JERRY,"Ate? What? What the hell are you talking about? Now you listen to me, you get out of that apartment this instant. If you screw this up for me I swear...."
GEORGE,"(cuts into Jerry talking) Chocolate chip mint? Oh well, actually Jerry I prefer chocolate chip. What is it about the chocolate and the mint that makes it go so well together?",JERRY,What are you talking about?
KRAMER,Hey,JERRY,"Hey, are you still wearing those things."
KRAMER,(salutes Jerry on his way out) See you later buddy.,JERRY,See you later
BETH,Hi Jerry it's Beth.,JERRY,"(excited) Oh, Hi Beth"
BETH,"Hi, i've been doing a lot of thinking today and i don't know maybe i made a huge mistake",JERRY,(under his breath) George.
BETH,I'm feeling really confused.,JERRY,Um. I'll call you back ok?
BETH,ok,JERRY,Trouble
ELAINE,What,JERRY,George
ELAINE,is it?,JERRY,ya
ELAINE,Dam,JERRY,What are we gonna do?
ELAINE,"What do we do? You get your ass over to Beth's, toot sweet. That's what you do and turn on some of that so called charm you're always telling me about.",JERRY,Ya i could try and do that.
ELAINE,"(Pushing Jerry) You don't try, you Do It! I got the loser in this relationship and I'm breathing new life into him, you give me three more days, he won't be able to remember her name. You got the winner, you got the easy part. Alright let's go (claps) I'll drive you over there. Come on.",JERRY,"No you go on ahead, I'll take the bus."
ELAINE,"What? I'm parked right outside, let's go. Come on (grabs Jerry's arm) come on.",JERRY,"No, no. I'll take the subway."
ELAINE,"(pulling Jerry out the door) Nah It doesn't matter come on, I'll take you.",JERRY,"Na, uh, no, uh, I'll hitch hike."
ELAINE,What's your Problem?,JERRY,It's really not necessary.
ELAINE,"(Car tires screeching) Woah, ahhh. Hehe Ha ha ha. That was close. Confide in her, open up to her. You know women like that.",JERRY,I don't feel so good.
[Setting,Beth's apartment],JERRY,"Anyway Beth, you know i was thinking on my way over how when i was 9. I wanted these handball sneakers, they were all black but they came in adult sizes so you know i never got the sneakers. (Beth looks him confused)"
GEORGE,"Jerry! Jerry! Je Jerry Jerry . The most unbelievable thing has just happened, it's too Unbelievable! I'm sitting in the coffee shop, i'm talking to Susan, were talking about shoe laces (does two guns to the head) so in walks..in walks David, right, he walks right to the table..righ I introduced him to Susan..and he says get this (laughs) he says 'boy you could do a lot better than this guy' huh right (more laughing by George, Jerry is totally just mellow and straight faced) The exact same thing that I said to him, just to get back at me just to get back at me..and then, and then she says she wants to be alone for awhile..Alone Jerry! I think that she thinks that she could do better (laughs) Do you appreciate this? Do you see the irony of this? Do you see what is going on here? What's the matter?",JERRY,I'm nauseous.
GEORGE,Is that what's hurting your appreciation for the story?,JERRY,A little
GEORGE,Because it's really a pretty good little story. Don't you think?,JERRY,It's not bad.
MICKEY,Goodnight,JERRY,It's gotta have something to do with Kramer
GEORGE,"It's coming Jerry, it's coming.",JERRY,What's coming?
GEORGE,The Day..,JERRY,Ahhh...The Day..
GEORGE,"We ordered the wedding invitations today,, Nothing can stop it now. Nothing. It's here! It's happening. Can I do this? I can't do this...Look at me. Look at me I can't do this, I can't do this (manic) Help me Jerry, help me.",JERRY,why don't you just break it off with her. tell her it's over
GEORGE,I can't,JERRY,Why not?
GEORGE,What about a letter?,JERRY,A letter.
GEORGE,"I...I...write a letter and then I..I go to China. I disappear in a sea of people for like six months, a year you know just while things simmer down. Ehm.. Ehm...Dear Susan. I'm sorry. I made a terrible mistake. I'm really , really sorry.",JERRY,That's it?
BOTH,"Seems a little short, yeah..",JERRY,You can't go to China What about your job?
GEORGE,My Job..arghhh,JERRY,"So write a letter.. move to another...move to Staten Island., 'lot easier to blend in a sea of people in Staten Island than China believe me."
GEORGE,"Yeah! Yeah!..Staten Island . What about my clothes ,how do I get the rest of the clothes?",JERRY,Aagh! You come back for your clothes
GEORGE,I'm not going back in there.,JERRY,So forget about your clothes.
GEORGE,Well I'm not starting up a whole new wardrobe now!!!,JERRY,"Look, freedom with no clothes is a lot better than no freedom with clothes."
GEORGE,If she'd just take a plane somewhere.,JERRY,"And what, hope for a crash?"
GEORGE,It happens.,JERRY,You know what the odds are on a crash it's a million to one.
ELAINE,Hey!...( sees George) HEY!! Georgie. You know what I just realized; the wedding is like a month away.ha..haa..,JERRY,Euhh...Elaine....
GEORGE,"( to Jerry) What about the letter, should I think about the letter?",JERRY,Hey Elaine if a guy wanted to end a relationship with you . What could he do?
GEORGE,Smoking.,JERRY,Does she hate cigarettes?
GEORGE,"Yes, she hates cigarettes.",JERRY,But you don't smoke.
GEORGE,Nooooooo......,JERRY,"You know, I think I'm getting a little depressed about George's wedding."
ELAINE,Really?,JERRY,"Yeah. Well once he gets married that's it, she'll probably get pregnant, they'll move to Westchester. I'll never see him again."
ELAINE,Yeah! You're probably right.,JERRY,"Then it'll just be me, you and Kramer."
ELAINE,No! Not me pal. I can't keep this up much longer. I'm sick of being single. I'm getting out.,JERRY,So it's just gonna be me and Kramer.
ELAINE,Yep! just you and Kramer.,JERRY,See you ... me and Kramer...
KRAMER,"Hey!! Buddy. I thought of a great invention for driving. A periscope in a car, so you can see the traffic.",JERRY,(annoyed) How you gonna drive when looking through a periscope? Besides it's not a submarine and there's no room for a periscope in a car.
KRAMER,Huh! You make a higher roof.,JERRY,They're not making higher roofs.
KRAMER,why can't you make a higher roof.,JERRY,"Because it's a stupid idea. No one's gonna go for it. Don't you understand It's stupid ,stupid..."
JEANNIE,"Hey! Hey! Look out. (she pulls him back saving his life.) OK!, Are you okay?",JERRY,Yeah!.. Thanks.Oh! my god you saved my life.
JEANNIE,Shouldn't there be some kind of reward for that.,JERRY,oh! thank you.
JEANNIE,"You know you should be a lot more careful crossing the street like that, otherwise you could die.. If that bothers you.",JERRY,Well I...
JEANNIE,You see..(points to his collar) To me this is a waste.,JERRY,What?
JEANNIE,"The shirt you got on under your sweather. It sits for three weeks in your drawer, waiting to come out. and when it finally does . It sticks up only half an inch out of your collar.",JERRY,I'm Jerry Seinfeld.
JEANNIE,Jeannie Steinman.,JERRY,Hey! Same initials . How do you like that?
WAITRESS,Menus?,JERRY,No. I know what I want.
WAITRESS,The usual?,JERRY,"Yeah.,"
JEANNIE,You too.?...,JERRY,Yeah!!!
KRAMER,Hey! Did you hear the bank on the corner is offering a 100 dollars if you go in there and they don't greet you with a hello?,JERRY,Uh! Really .That's nice.
KRAMER,Now what's with you?,JERRY,I think I'm in love.
KRAMER,Oh. Come on.,JERRY,No it's true. This woman saved my life. I was crossing the street .I was almost hit by a car...and then we talked and.......the whole thing just seemed like a dream.
KRAMER,If a guy saved your life you'd be in love with him too.,JERRY,"No, no this woman is different , she's incredible. she's just like me. She talks like me, she acts like me. She even ordered cereal at a restaurant. We even have the same initials. Wait a minute, I just realised what's going on."
KRAMER,What?,JERRY,Now I know what I've been looking for all these years......myself! (Kramer is speechless) I've been waiting for me to come along and now I 've swept myself off my feet.
KRAMER,Yeah. me neither.,JERRY,(shrugs) Hey George I think I want to bring a date to the wedding
GEORGE,Who!!?,JERRY,"I just met her, she's incredible."
ELAINE,Aaawh...This is GREAT!!.....Now I'm gonna be stuck at the singles table with all the losers.,JERRY,You can go with Kramer
SUSAN,Ha.Ha.Ha. ha...You don't have any money. I make more money than you do. ha. ha. ha. Yeah.. give me the papers I'll sign 'em.( she leaves) a pre-nup...,JERRY,Excuse me.( gets up and opens the door)
KRAMER,Remember I told you about the bank?,JERRY,Yeah.
KRAMER,Yeah well I went in there and they said Hey!,JERRY,Hey is the same thing as hello. What do you think Jeannie.
KRAMER,Jeannie left?,JERRY,"Yeah , she's coming to see my act tonight."
KRAMER,Oh yeah! Well that's nice. I'm sure that's right up her alley.,JERRY,What's with you?
KRAMER,Nothin',JERRY,Something on your mind?
KRAMER,No.,JERRY,Looks like there is?
KRAMER,No,JERRY,Come on. Something's on your mind. Out with it.
KRAMER,I don't like her.,JERRY,You don't like her?
KRAMER,"That's right I don't like , I never like her from the get-go.",JERRY,What's wrong with her?
KRAMER,Everything she thinks. you think. Everything you think she thinks. No I can't take it. I can't take it Jerry. It's too much. It's too much.,JERRY,Well you can't take her maybe you can't take me either.
KRAMER,So THAT's how it's going to be,JERRY,That's how it's gonna be.
MANAGER,awright sir (they shake hands),JERRY,Will you marry me?
JEANNIE,Georgie boy..,JERRY,"George, big news; I'm getting married!!"
GEORGE,"Married , What!(astounded)",JERRY,"September 21st, first day of Autumn. Leaves changing colours.. Beautiful colors."
JEANNIE,... all that crap.,JERRY,"You see , I kept up my end of the pact."
GEORGE,Good for you (sympathetic),JERRY,"Hey look , Champagne.."
GEORGE,Hehehe. .(feebly),JERRY,To our future wives....yeah...
JEANNIE,Hey! what's the deal with decaf; how do they get the caffeine out of there and then where does it go?,JERRY,(weakly) I dunno
JEANNIE,That's a shame..,JERRY,(to waitress) I' ll just have a cup of coffee.
JEANNIE,Bowl of Corn flakes.,JERRY,"More cereal? that's your third bowl today, you had it for breakfast and lunch."
KRAMER,Hey!! Frank just called me. Congratulations.,JERRY,"Thanks , thanks"
KRAMER,"Look I'm sorry about before....I mean I'm sure I'll learn to like her, Jerry",JERRY,"Yeah , yeah ."
KRAMER,"C'mon , c'mon what's the matter?",JERRY,I think I may have made a big mistake.
KRAMER,Oh! Come on.,JERRY,"All of a sudden it hit me, I realized what the problem is; I can't be with someone like me.. I hate myself!! If anything I need to get the exact opposite of me....It's too much. It's too Much I can't take it ...I can't take it!!!"
KRAMER,(mocking) Too bad you got engaged.,JERRY,Yeah! Too bad.
KRAMER,What happened?,JERRY,They just took Susan to the Hospital
GEORGE,She's ahem....gone,JERRY,Dead?
ELAINE,I'm so sorry George,JERRY,Yeah! me too
KRAMER,Poor Lily..,JERRY,How did it happen?
KRAMER,Well that's weird,JERRY,"So I guess , you're not getting married?"
GEORGE,(embarrassed with a touch of unrestrained jubilation) Yes.,JERRY,But....
GEORGE,Yeah?,JERRY,"Well , now I'm engaged.."
GEORGE,Yeah?...,JERRY,Well I thought we'd both be getting married.
GEORGE,well humm.. lets get some coffee.,JERRY,WE HAD A PACT!!!
GEORGE,Jerry...,JERRY,"Thank you, no."
GEORGE,"Boy, that was awkward!",JERRY,I don't mind the cemetery.
GEORGE,"What were you saying to the Rosses over there, anyway?",JERRY,"Oh, I don't know. I told them her death takes place in the shadow of new life. She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her."
GEORGE,What is that?,JERRY,Star Trek II.
GEORGE,(identifying it) Wrath of Khan!,JERRY,"Right. Kramer and I saw it last night. Spock dies, they wrap him up in a towel, and they shoot him out the bowel of the ship in that big sunglasses case."
GEORGE,That was a hell of a thing when Spock died...,JERRY,Yeah...
GEORGE,"Well anyway, the, uh... the stone is up, I paid my respects, guess that's it.",JERRY,So it's over?
GEORGE,"I have mourned for three long months! Summer months, too! Anybody could grieve in January! It's time for George to start being George again.",JERRY,"All right, so uh, let's do something later. How 'bout a movie?"
KRAMER,Movie?,JERRY,"Yeah, you in?"
GEORGE,George is going to the movies! (exits),JERRY,(to Kramer) So how's your karate class going?
KRAMER,"(pronouncing it ""kar-ah-tay"") Karate, Jerry. Karate. The lifetime pursuit of balance and harmony.",JERRY,...But with punching and kicking.
KRAMER,"Jerry, karate is not here (pointing to the ground). It's here (points to head), and here (points to chest), and here (makes a circle with his hands).",JERRY,"Alright, I gotta go to the airport to pick up Elaine."
KRAMER,"What, she's been away?",JERRY,She's been in Mexico for six weeks.
KRAMER,"No, I really think you're wrong. We just went to the fireworks the other day.",JERRY,That was July 4th!
ELAINE,It was unbelievable. Six weeks of traveling through Mexico all on Peterman's peso.,JERRY,Wow. So did you get any good ideas for the catalog?
ELAINE,"Oh, tons!",JERRY,Anything you couldn't have gotten tearing open a bag of Doritos and watching Viva Zapata?
ELAINE,"(laughs sarcastically) You don't respect my work at all, do you?",JERRY,"No, I don't."
ELAINE,So what's been going on around this dump? How's your fiancee?,JERRY,My what?
ELAINE,Jeannie... your fiancee.,JERRY,"Oh, yeah, that. Well..."
ELAINE,"All right. Spill it, Jerome.",JERRY,There's really not that much to tell.
JEANNIE,See ya.,JERRY,See ya.
ELAINE,You've never felt remorse.,JERRY,"I know, I feel bad about that..."
ELAINE,"I bet your parents were upset, huh?",JERRY,Eh.
ELAINE,"You haven't told them yet, have you?",JERRY,No.
GEORGE,"(inhales deeply) I tell you, Jerry, I'm feeling something. Something I haven't felt in a long time.",JERRY,Pride?
GEORGE,"No. Autonomy, complete and total autonomy.",JERRY,"Well, you're your own boss now."
GEORGE,I wanna go to a tractor pull.,JERRY,Go ahead.
GEORGE,I am staying out all night!,JERRY,Who's stopping you?
GEORGE,"I wanna bite into a big hunk of cheese, just bite into it like it's an apple.",JERRY,Whatever.
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,It's Dolores.
GEORGE,Who?,JERRY,Mulva.
DOLORES,"Jerry, hi.",JERRY,"Hi, Dolores. George, you remember Dolores?"
DOLORES,Hi. (to Jerry) I heard you got engaged.,JERRY,"Yes, Dolores, I did. It didn't work out, though, Dolores."
DOLORES,"Oh, that's too bad. You know... we should get together sometime. See ya.",JERRY,See ya.
GEORGE,I thought Mulva hated you.,JERRY,"Yeah, so did I. You know what? I bet it was the engagement. I've shown I can go all the way."
GEORGE,All the way?,JERRY,"Not our ""all the way"", their ""all the way."" I got the stink of responsibility on me."
GEORGE,"Yeah, and you were engaged for like a minute, I was engaged for a year.",JERRY,You stink worse than I do!
ELAINE,Mr. Peterman?,JERRY,Where?
ELAINE,Burma.,JERRY,Isn't it Myanmar now?
ELAINE,"Jerry, he wants me to run the catalog! It's crazy! I can't be in charge!",JERRY,"No, certainly not."
ELAINE,"I mean, I can't give people orders!",JERRY,No one's gonna listen to you.
ELAINE,I am not qualified to run the catalog!,JERRY,You're not qualified to work at the catalog.
KRAMER,Where?,JERRY,Myanmar.
KRAMER,"Yeah, your spirit, your, uh, being. The part of you that says, ""Yes, I can!""",JERRY,Sammy Davis had it.
KRAMER,That kid is gonna be all right.,JERRY,"No, she's not."
KRAMER,"Okay, Joey.",JERRY,You guys both have class at the same time?
KRAMER,"No, we're in the same class.",JERRY,What do you mean you're in the same class?
KRAMER,He almost beat me.,JERRY,"Kramer, you're fighting children?!"
KRAMER,"We're all at the same skill level, Jerry.",JERRY,"He's nine years old! You don't need karate, you can just wring his neck!"
GEORGE,(feigning happiness) The second I see him.,JERRY,Hey.
GEORGE,"Hey. How's your day, good?",JERRY,"Actually, yeah. I'm meeting Mulva here in a few minutes."
GEORGE,"So uh... Wrath of Khan, huh?",JERRY,Yeah. Was that a beauty or what?
GEORGE,What was that line again? Something about finding your way in a shadow?,JERRY,"No, no, no, it's... ""She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her."""
GEORGE,That's it. That's the line... (squirts mustard into Jerry's coffee and stirs it) ...that destroyed my life.,JERRY,(stares into coffee cup and looks back at George) Problem?
GEORGE,"The Rosses have started up a foundation, Jerry, and I have to sit on the board of directors.",JERRY,"Hey, board of directors. Look at you!"
GEORGE,"Yeah! Look at me! I was free and clear! I was living the dream! I was stripped to the waist, eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery!",JERRY,"Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise."
GEORGE,Don't you see? I'm back in.,JERRY,All because of Wrath of Khan?
GEORGE,Yes!,JERRY,"Well, it was the best of those movies."
DOLORES,So who broke it off?,JERRY,"Well, that's the thing. It was completely mutual."
DOLORES,"Oh, come on. Everybody knows there's no such thing as a mutual breakup. Tell me the truth.",JERRY,I am. It was the world's first.
DOLORES,"You know, when I heard you got engaged, I thought *maybe* you had matured. But obviously there's no growth here. (exits)",JERRY,"Well, I can't argue with that, but the fact remains... I was completely... (to himself, cursing her) Mulva!"
SECRETARY,Please hold for Elaine Benes.,JERRY,"Oh, I don't believe this."
ELAINE,(picking up) Jerry!,JERRY,Hey!
ELAINE,Hey. Guess who just finished laying out her first issue of the J. Peterman Catalog.,JERRY,How's it look?
ELAINE,"(muffled, as she's smoking a cigar) It's a peach.",JERRY,Huh?
ELAINE,"I say, it's a peach.",JERRY,"Elaine, let me ask you something. When I told you my breakup was mutual, did you believe me?"
ELAINE,"No, no, no. It's weak. No one's gonna buy it, and you shouldn't be selling it.",JERRY,I gotta do some research here.
ELAINE,"Hey, hey. Me. Talking. You know, between you and me, I always thought Kramer was a bit of a doofus, but he believed in me. *You* did not. So as I see it, he's not the doofus. *You* are the doofus.",JERRY,"Oh, I'm the doofus?"
ELAINE,"Yeah. You, Jerry, are the doofus.",JERRY,"You know, it occurs to me that Kramer is at karate right now."
ELAINE,"Oh, well, maybe I'll just go down there and thank him in person.",JERRY,"Yeah, that's what I was thinking."
ELAINE,(pushes him) You doofus!,JERRY,"Okay, question #8. What if I told you my fiancee left me for another man? Does that make me more likable, less likable, as likable? Let's start over here this time."
KRAMER,Aah! Aah! Mama!,JERRY,"(on the phone) Dad, I wouldn't eat anything you caught in that pond out in front of the condo."
ELAINE,Yep.,JERRY,How's your confidence level?
ELAINE,Shot.,JERRY,Self-esteem?
ELAINE,Gone.,JERRY,Doofus?
ELAINE,(raises her hand) Yo.,JERRY,"All right, so what? You put out the catalog. How bad could it be?"
ELAINE,It's the Urban Sombrero. I put it on the cover.,JERRY,"Well, nobody sees the... cover."
KRAMER,God!,JERRY,What happened to you?
KRAMER,Whew! I got whooped. You should have seen the rage in their little eyes. And those tiny little fists of fury. Oh. (notices the Urban Sombrero) What is that?,JERRY,It's the new cover of the J. Peterman Catalog. It is Elaine's choice. Let's congratulate her.
ELAINE,"Well, I'll see ya... (exits)",JERRY,Vaya con dios.
KRAMER,"(with his forehead in his hands) Man, I gotta go lay down. You and George going out a little later?",JERRY,"No, he's still stuck at the foundation."
KRAMER,"You know, you oughta go down there and help him out. He's a widower.",JERRY,Widower? Wait a second. (goes to a notebook of his research)
GEORGE,Hello?,JERRY,"Hey, Georgie! I'm doing some research down at the coffee shop. Your story's the one."
GEORGE,My story?,JERRY,"Yeah, your widower story's tested through the roof. (various patrons give the thumbs up in approval) When are you getting out of there?"
GEORGE,(remorsefully) I can't go.,JERRY,"What do you mean you can't go? There's two really girls sitting at the counter eating grilled cheese. Cheese, George! Cheese!"
WYCK,"Well, you should choose the poem since you knew Susan best at the time of her unfortunate (clears his throat)...accident.",JERRY,He cleared his throat?
GEORGE,Yes!,JERRY,So?
GEORGE,"He did it right as he said ""her unfortunate accident.""",JERRY,Not getting it.
GEORGE,"Jerry, a throat-clear is a non-verbal implication of doubt - he thinks I killed Susan!",JERRY,"Oh, help me, Rhonda."
GEORGE,Right now?,JERRY,I gotta go meet Pam.
GEORGE,"Oh, the bookstore girl. How's that goin'?",JERRY,Okay. I'm just not ga-ga over her. For once I'd like to be ga-ga.
GEORGE,Where's Elaine?,JERRY,"She's having Carol, Gail and Lisa over. You know they all have kids now?"
GEORGE,What's with all these people having babies?,JERRY,Perpetuation of the species.
GEORGE,Yeah! Right!,JERRY,"By the way, just for the record -"
CAROL (shows Elaine and the girls pictures of Adam),Look at him! Just look at him!,JERRY,"So, Elaine was telling me about this piece of whitefish she had the other day..."
GEORGE,Do you really think I'm wrong about this Wyck guy?,JERRY,"You know, if you really want to test him out, why don't you try the old Jerry Lewis trick?"
GEORGE,Jerry Lewis?,JERRY,"I heard that when Jerry Lewis left a meeting, he'd purposefully leave a briefcase with a tape recorder in it. Then after five minutes, he'd come back for it and listen to what everyone said about him."
GEORGE,That's pretty paranoid.,JERRY,"Yes, it is."
GEORGE,I like it!,JERRY,I thought you might.
PAM,"Oh, careful! (Jerry enters.)",JERRY,"Hi, sorry I'm late."
PAM,That's okay. Kramer let me in.,JERRY,"You know, if we rush, we can still make the movie."
GEORGE,Yes. The New Yorker.,JERRY,Why do you invite these women over if they annoy you so much?
ELAINE,"They're my friends, but they act as if having a baby takes some kind of talent.",JERRY,"C'mon, you want to have a baby."
ELAINE,Why? Because I can?,JERRY,"It's the life force. I saw a show on the mollusk last night. Elaine, the mollusk travels from Alaska to Chile just for a shot at another mollusk. You think you're any better?"
GEORGE,"Lemme tell you something, that Jerry Lewis? You wonder how some of these people get to the top? It's ideas like this! Brilliant! Hah-hah! (Notices that the briefcase is damaged.) Look at this - what the hell happened? The whole side is damaged here...and the lock is broken.",JERRY,How long did you leave it up there?
GEORGE,Five minutes. What the hell happened here?,JERRY,"Play the tape, maybe we'll get a clue."
GEORGE,"I have to rewind it first. (George presses the rewind button on the tape recorder. He and Jerry stand there, waiting impatiently as it rewinds.) Alright, alright.",JERRY,Is that it?
GEORGE,Stopped dead.,JERRY,What do you make of it?
GEORGE,"Well, if it doesn't concern me, then I can stay. (Kramer grabs the back of George's chair, drags him out into the hallway and closes the door.)",JERRY,"So, what's on your mind?"
KRAMER,It's Pam.,JERRY,Pam? What about Pam?
KRAMER,"I love her, Jerry!",JERRY,You what?
KRAMER,I love her!,JERRY,Is that right?
KRAMER,"Oh, she's uh...she's real. She can bring home the bacon and fry it in the pan.",JERRY,What does that mean?
KRAMER,"Oh, and that voice!",JERRY,What about her name?
KRAMER,"Pam? Oh, it's a beautiful name. (Kramer sits on the couch.) Pam. Pam. Pam!",JERRY,She's got really nice hair.
KRAMER,"Oh, it's incredible. Although, I might replace her tortoise clip with one of those velvet scrunchies. I love those.",JERRY,You've got really specific tastes.
KRAMER,"Oh, I know what I want, Jerry.",JERRY,She's got nice calves.
KRAMER,"Oh, she's a dreamboat. But, you don't like her, so...",JERRY,"Maybe I could, you're making some pretty good points."
KRAMER,"No you can't, Jerry.",JERRY,But I might.
KRAMER,"Oh, no you don't.",JERRY,Why not? The voice? The calves? The bacon?
KRAMER,What...?,JERRY,I think I can! I even like the name! Pam!
KRAMER (frantic),Huh?,JERRY,Pam!
KRAMER,Huh?,JERRY,Pam!
GEORGE,"They would never tell me, Elaine. First of all, they probably think that I killed Susan. Besides, I don't even think they like me. (Jerry comes over to the table.)",JERRY,That Pam! I am ga-ga over her!
ELAINE,Ga-ga? When did that happen?,JERRY,Yesterday. Six-ish.
ELAINE,"Well, maybe we should double. I'm pretty ga-ga myself.",JERRY,You just met the guy yesterday.
ELAINE,"Yeah, but we have a common goal.",JERRY,"A barren, sterile existence that ends when you die?"
ELAINE,"Yeah, of course.",JERRY,"Elaine, a guy'll say anything to get a woman."
GEORGE,"Elaine, I once told a woman that I coined the phrase, ""Pardon my French.""",JERRY,I once told a woman that I don't eat cake 'cause it goes right to my thighs.
ELAINE,"Although, I have a hunch you mean it.",JERRY,"I just came by to tell you - I'm really, really happy about this relationship. Really happy."
JERRY's brain,A velvet scrunchie!,JERRY,Kramer!
NEWMAN,"Hello, Jerry. How's Pam?",JERRY,Pam? What do you care? (Newman shrugs. Jerry notices he's carrying a Brentano's bookstore bag.)
NEWMAN,"Well, ta-ta! (Scampers away.)",JERRY,"Wait a minute! (A manic chase scene ensues, with Jerry chasing Newman from one end of the building to the other. Jerry finally catches up with him in the hallway on another floor.)"
NEWMAN (sweating),"Easy, Jerry. Steady. You wouldn't want to lose your cool at a time like this.",JERRY,Why not?
JERRY (rolls his eyes),C'mon. (They exit.),JERRY,I can't believe I'm losing Pam!
NEWMAN,"I know how you feel. For I, too, have a woman for whom I pine.",JERRY,I thought we were talking about me.
NEWMAN,Right.,JERRY,"Anyway, I don't need your help. (Turns to leave.)"
NEWMAN,"Oh, don't you? Joke boy? You really think you can manipulate that beautiful young woman like the half-soused nightclub rabble that lap up your inane ""observations""?",JERRY,"Alright, Newman. What do I have to do to get you to stop pulling the strings for Kramer?"
NEWMAN,"Well, there is a little something you can do for me...",JERRY,"C'mon, out with it."
NEWMAN,It's about...Elaine.,JERRY,Elaine? What does she have to - (notices Newman looking up at him longlingly.) Oh no...
GEORGE,This is a crude mock-up of the conference room. 1/14th scale.,JERRY,When did you build this thing?
GEORGE (grabs the M&M away from Jerry),"Alright, whatever! Now. Whatever caused the damage...(drops a tiny briefcase onto the table in the model)...was jarring enough to completely stop the tape.",JERRY,And?
GEORGE,Okay. That's what we know.,JERRY,But we already knew that.
GEORGE,"Well, yeah.",JERRY,Just give me some idea of what you think it could be.
GEORGE,I don't know if you're ready for it.,JERRY,Please.
GEORGE,"I believe that I am about to become the target of a systematic process of intimidation and manipulation, the likes of which you have never -",JERRY,"Hold it, hold it! You're right, I'm not ready for this. (The door buzzer sounds, Jerry answers it.) Yeah?"
VOICE ON SPEAKER,It's Pam.,JERRY,"C'mon up. (To George) Alright, it's Pam, you gotta get goin.'"
PAM,What was that?,JERRY,We were just playin.'
PAM,"Listen, I had a long talk with Kramer today...",JERRY,Uh huh...
KRAMER,How can you have feelings for him? We're soul mates.,JERRY,Why can't I be a soul mate?
ELAINE,What are you guys doing here?,JERRY,We're getting vasectomies.
ELAINE,I cut it.,JERRY,It's a little short.
WYCK,"So it's not just me, then. Alright! Back to business.",JERRY,All right. How 'bout this one let's say you're abducted by aliens.
GEORGE,Fine.,JERRY,"They haul you aboard the mother ship, take you back to their planet as a curiosity. Now would you rather be in their zoo, or their circus?"
GEORGE,I gotta go zoo. I feel like I could set more of my own schedule.,JERRY,"But in the circus you get to ride around in the train, see the whole planet!"
GEORGE,"I'm wearin' a little hat, I'm jumpin' through fire.. They're puttin' their little alien heads in my mouth..",JERRY,(resigned) At least it's show business..
GEORGE,"But in the zoo, you know, they might, put a woman in there with me to uh.. you know, get me to mate.",JERRY,What if she's got no interest in you?
KRAMER,(frustrated) Wha??,JERRY,(dry) He knows.
GEORGE,You sure?,JERRY,(dry) He knows.
GEORGE,Wow. Nice.,JERRY,Why don't you try your engagement story?
GEORGE,"(considers, but got into elevator) Won't work.",JERRY,Are you sure?
ELAINE,"(to JERRY) Remember I was telling you about Gillian, my friend who writes for the L.L. Bean catalogue? I really think you should give her a call.",JERRY,"(doubtful) I don't know, do you have a--"
ELAINE,(dry) I put her stats on the back.,JERRY,"Pretty impressive--""Serious boyfriend '92 to '95."" Owns her own car.. ""Favorite president James Polk!"" (ELAINE had echoed ""Uh-huh. Yup."" during it)"
GEORGE,Hnn! Let me see that.,JERRY,"(hands it to him as he asks ELAINE) So how'd it go with Kevin? Did you, steel-toe his ass back to Kentucky?"
ELAINE,(laughs in appreciation) You are not gonna believe this! I told him that I just wanted to be friends. He's fine with it. He really wants to be friends.,JERRY,Why would anybody want a friend.
ELAINE,"(dread) Uh. It's really not that bad, actually. He said he'd even go with me to the Museum of Miniatures. This is something you would never ever do.",JERRY,I mean all that stuff is so small.. ((ELAINE is wryly assessing him)) stupid..
GEORGE,"(still looking at that picture) You know if I told my engagement story to that receptionist, but told her this, was my fiance..",JERRY,What?
GILLIAN,Jerry?,JERRY,Gillian. Hiii..
GILLIAN,Very nice to meet you.,JERRY,It's nice to meet you!
ELAINE,"(pause) Man, Hands?",JERRY,"The hands of a man. It's like a creature out of Greek Mythology, I mean, she was like part woman, part horrible beast."
ELAINE,"(weary) (Look,) would you, prefer it, if she had, no hands at all?",JERRY,Would she have hooks?
ELAINE,"Do uh, do hooks make it more attractive, Jerry?",JERRY,Kinda cool lookin'..
ELAINE,"(getting up to go) Uh.. Listen, you're picking me up from my (place tomorrow)--",JERRY,(leaving too) Yeah. Yeah.
ELAINE,"Okay, I've got five, huge boxes of (buttons).",JERRY,"Right. Well if you need an extra set of hands, I know who you can call--"
ELAINE,(weary) Jerry!,JERRY,Kramer?!
KRAMER,Hey buddy! Hey!,JERRY,It--eight o'clock in the morning! What the hell is goin' on?!
KRAMER,Breakfast. I gotta be in at Brand/Leland by nine.,JERRY,Why??
KRAMER,"Because I'm workin' there, that's why.",JERRY,(disoriented) How long have I been asleep? What--what year is this?
KRAMER,"Jerry. I don't know if you've noticed, but lately, I've been drifting, aimlessly?",JERRY,(snaps fingers) Now that you mention it.
KRAMER,"But I finally realized what's missing, in my life. Structure. An' at Brand/Leland, I'm gettin' things done. An' I love the people I'm workin' with.",JERRY,How much are they payin' you?
KRAMER,"Oh, no, no, no-no--I don't want any pay. I'm doin' this just for me.",JERRY,"Really. So uh, what do you do down there all day?"
KRAMER,"T.C.B. You know, takin' care o' business. Aa--I gotta go.",JERRY,All right.
KRAMER,"(leaving) I'll see you tonight, huh? (turning back, grabs his briefcase) Forget my briefcase.",JERRY,W-w-wha' you got in there?
"(MUSIC (Sheena Easton's ""Morning Train (Nine to Five)"") accompanies assorted shots of working-man Kramer",Getting on the subway (everyone else is going the opposite direction). Washing his shoes at the water cooler. Eating rolls of crackers out of his briefcase. Laughing it up after hours with co-workers at a TGIF-type restaurant.),JERRY,So the picture worked. Amazing!
GEORGE,"Hey, she wants me to dress uh ""smart casual."" What uh, what is that?",JERRY,"I don't know, but you don't have it."
ELAINE,Where were you today?,JERRY,What?
ELAINE,Pick. Up.,JERRY,(whispers) Damn.
ELAINE,So? Where were you?!,JERRY,"Uh, here I guess, an' uh, uh I went out and picked up a paper."
ELAINE,"(irritated, throwing down her bag) I had to ask Kevin, to leave his office an' come an' pick me up!",JERRY,So? What are friends for?
ELAINE,"Yeah! An' he is a friend, Jerry. He is reliable. He is considerate. He's like your, exact opposite.",JERRY,So he's Bizarro Jerry!
ELAINE,(pause) Bizarro Jerry?,JERRY,"Yeah. Like Bizarro Superman. Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards bizarro world. Up is Down. Down is Up. He says ""Hello"" when he leaves, ""Good bye"" when he arrives."
ELAINE,"(pause) Shouldn't he say ""Bad bye""? Isn't that the, opposite of ""Good bye""?",JERRY,No. It's still a goodbye.
ELAINE,Uh. Does he live underwater?,JERRY,No.
ELAINE,Is he black..,JERRY,"Look. Just, forget it, (already). All right?"
KRAMER,Wow. Man. What a day. Could I use a drink. (starts getting a drink and ice),JERRY,Tough day at the office?
KRAMER,"Just comin' in, an' that phone just wouldn't stop.",JERRY,"Well, we better get goin' if we're gonna go to that uh, seven o'clock cold fusion."
GILLIAN,"Would you like some bread, Jerry?",JERRY,"No.. No thanks, I'm, just not hungry."
GILLIAN,"Well, then at least drink your beer.. (she's opening the bottle--brief closeup on hands)",JERRY,(to self) Oh. Twist off..
GILLIAN,You have a little something on your face.,JERRY,I can get it. (feeling his face)
GILLIAN,(friendly) It's an eyelash. Make a wish.,JERRY,I don't want to.
GILLIAN,Make a wish.,JERRY,"Okay. (closes eyes, blows on her finger, opens eyes, says to self) Didn't come true."
GEORGE,(delighted) Jerry? It was incredible! Models! As far as the eye could see!,JERRY,Then it does exist.
GEORGE,Yes. The legends are true.,JERRY,So when are you goin' out with this girl again?
GEORGE,I'm not! I'm inside the walls!,JERRY,So you're gonna burn that bridge.
ELAINE,"(pause, then vaguely waves while watching them leave) Hello?",JERRY,"So, uh. Gillian's comin' over later. I think I'm gonna end it."
KRAMER,Uh-huh.,JERRY,"Those meaty paws, I feel like I'm dating George the Animal, (steer)."
KRAMER,Yeah..,JERRY,Maybe I'll chain her to the refrigerator an' sell tickets.
KRAMER,That's nice..,JERRY,"Kramer, put the paper down! You never listen to me anymore! We hardly even talk!"
KRAMER,"Well, we're, talkin' now, aren't we?--",JERRY,I sit here for twenty lousy minutes in the morning--
KRAMER,Oh here we go--,JERRY,"An' then when you come home at night, you're always exhausted--we never do anything anymore!"
KRAMER,What are you starting with me for? You know this is my crazy time o' year?!,JERRY,(pause) It's your third day..
KRAMER,(grabs briefcase to leave) I gotta go to work. We'll talk about this later. (leaves),JERRY,Well. (calling down the hall) Call if you're gonna be late!
ELAINE,What? What is goin' on with you two?,JERRY,"Oh, I don't wanna talk about it.."
ELAINE,"All right, listen. Have you seen my addre-- (sees address book on counter) --ah! There it is. Okay. I got it. I'll see you later. (leaving)",JERRY,Hey! Wait! Wait! Wait a second! Where you goin'? I-I hardly ever see you anymore.
ELAINE,"(stops, pause) Well, I. (a little ashamed) I guess I been at Reggie's..",JERRY,The Bizarro coffeeshop?
ELAINE,Kevin and his friends are nice people! They do good things. They read..,JERRY,I read.
ELAINE,"Books, Jerry.",JERRY,(pause) Oh. Big deal..
ELAINE,"Well! I can't spend the rest of my life coming into this stinking apartment every ten minutes to pore over the, excruciating minutia, of every, single, daily event..",JERRY,"(What's goin' on,) like yesterday, I go to the bank to make a deposit, an' the teller gives me this look, like--"
ELAINE,I'll see you later man. I gotta go.,JERRY,"(frustrated, to self) The whole system is breakin' down!"
GILLIAN,Friends. Just friends.,JERRY,Yeah.
GILLIAN,"Yeah. All right. Well, do you still want to see a movie later?",JERRY,"I wish I could, but, we're friends.."
GILLIAN,"I'm just gonna go, wash my hands.",JERRY,"Good idea. (phone's ringing, goes to it) (muttering) There's a beach towel on the rack.. (to phone) Yeah."
GEORGE,"(frantic) Jerry! Jerry, muh--muh--my hair-dryer ruined the picture! An' I need another one or I can't get back into the forbidden city!",JERRY,(to drive him crazy) Who is this..
GEORGE,Jerry! I need you to get another picture of man-hands. I'm beggin' you!,JERRY,"(pause) If I get it for you, will you take me to that club an' show me a good time?"
GEORGE,"Yes! Yes, all right--anything!",JERRY,Got it. (but now a man-hand grabs his arm) Uh!
KRAMER,Jerry. Hey Jerry?,JERRY,I'm right here. (note he has an athletic bandage on his right hand) You're late.
KRAMER,"Yeah, well, I got held up, you know. What happened to your hand?",JERRY,Like you care.
KRAMER,"The work piled up, I lost track of time--",JERRY,"(calmly getting up with plate of chicken) Oh! Sure! Sure! You an' your work! Elaine's off in the Bizarro World, George only calls when he wants something, an' I'm left sitting here like this plate of cold chicken, which, by the way, (drops chicken into sink) was, for two."
KRAMER,You cooked?,JERRY,(calm) I ordered in. It's still effort.
KRAMER,(in pain) Ow! Jeez!,JERRY,What's wrong?
KRAMER,(Ow!) It's my stomach.,JERRY,You're probably gettin' an ulcer. This job is killing you! It's killing Us.
KRAMER,"(putting briefcase down) You know what? You're right. These reports, they can wait a couple of hours. Whadda say we go out tonight? Any place you want.",JERRY,The coffeeshop?
KRAMER,"You got it, buddy.",JERRY,(pleased) I'll call George!
GEORGE,"(quiet, desperate) Maybe she can get me another picture of man-hands. (calling) Elaine!",JERRY,Elaine!
ELAINE,"Jerry.. George, Kramer.. This is Kevin, Gene.. and Feldman.",JERRY,(quietly crept out) This is really weird..
GEORGE,"Elaine, I got to have another picture of Gillian.",JERRY,I tried to get him one but Man-Hands almost ripped my arm out of the socket!
ELAINE,"(turning to them, awkward) It's locked..",JERRY,"So this is it, huh?"
GEORGE,"But it--eh.. It was here, I'm tellin' you, an' w--w--it was really here! The, there was, a, bar, and a, an' a dance floor..",JERRY,(dry) I guess the DJ booth was over there behind the bone saw? (really disappointed) Let's get out of here George.
KRAMER,I wouldn't walk over there.,JERRY,Why not?
KRAMER,"It's the most dangerous part of the sidewalk. Cab hops a curb, wap! You've had your last egg sandwich.",JERRY,What about over there? You know air conditioners fall out all the time.
KRAMER,I'd much rather get hit by an 80 pound air conditioner than a two ton cab.,JERRY,"No, cab's comin' in right here (Hand at waist) Set of plastic hips, prosthetic legs, and a monkey to answer the door, I'm back in business."
KRAMER,"Much rather take it to the head, Like I did in '79.",JERRY,"You were livin' in the village then, right?"
ELAINE,(Showing fingernails) Toxic waste green.,JERRY,That is disgusting.
ELAINE,"You know, revulsion has now become a valid form of attraction.",JERRY,"Well, then you're drivin' me wild."
ELAINE,I had 'em done for the big Peterman bash I'm throwin'.,JERRY,"(George enters) Oh, why you havin' a party?"
ELAINE,"I drive my people hard, and then I reward them.",JERRY,Like with dogs.
GEORGE,George?,JERRY,He's gonna show up anyway.
GEORGE,How could I possibly interfere?,JERRY,Isn't that what Jack Ruby said?
KRAMER,You get the tickets?,JERRY,Who wants two? Special sneak preview of Death Blow.
KRAMER,"Death Blow When someone tries to blow you up, not because of who you are, but for different reasons altogether. (Jerry buzzes up George) Jerry, do you think you can get an extra ticket for my friend Brody?",JERRY,"Kramer, do you know what I had to go through to get these?"
KRAMER,"Yeah, I know, but he's a big fan of the genre. You know I'd consider it a personal favor to me.",JERRY,Yeah I guess I do owe you.
KRAMER,"Uh, listen, do you want me to stay here until George gets up?",JERRY,"No, I'm okay."
KRAMER,"There's no problem, really.",JERRY,"I'm fine. (George enters, Kramer exits) How was the party?"
GEORGE,Food was good.,JERRY,"Yeah, so I didn't miss anything?"
GEORGE,"Well, actually you did miss one nugget of entertainment. (Pause) Have you ever seen Elaine dance?",JERRY,Elaine danced?
GEORGE,It was more like a full bodied dry heave set to music.,JERRY,Did she do the little kicks and the thumbs?
GEORGE,"What, you mean you know about this?",JERRY,For some time... (video of Elaine dancing on the street with Jerry and the street musicians watching her awful dance) It was about five years ago. I never knew what to say to her about it. It was one of those problems I hoped would just go away.
GEORGE,"Well, sometimes you can't help these people 'til they hit rock bottom.",JERRY,And by then you've lost interest.
GEORGE,"Hey, you gotta take a ride with me later. I borrowed my father's car. '68 GTO.",JERRY,What made him get that thing?
GEORGE,During that period when my folks were separated he went a little crazy.,JERRY,Not a very long trip. (Enter Kramer)
KRAMER,Brody's in.,JERRY,I don't even have the extra ticket yet.
ELAINE,"I'm tellin' you Jerry I'm gettin' a vibe. If I didn't know better, I'd say the staff completely lost respect for me. (Staff mocks her dancing in the background)",JERRY,How could that be?
ELAINE,"Jerry, it's like the feeling is palpable. You think it could have something to do with the party?",JERRY,"No, George was there, he said he had a great time."
ELAINE,"Ah, it's George. I bet you this is somehow George related.",JERRY,"Oh, what are you talkin' about?"
ELAINE,"He's like a virus. He attaches himself to a healthy host company, and the next thing you know, the entire staff's infected.",JERRY,Now you're talkin' crazy!
ELAINE,"All right, Jerry, if that's not what it is, you tell me. What is it?",JERRY,"(Makes sound) Oh there's my call waiting, I gotta get goin'."
GEORGE,So this Anna called me from out of the blue.,JERRY,Really? I thought you were rebuffed.
GEORGE,With extreme prejudice.,JERRY,Maybe Elaine put in a good word for you.
GEORGE,"No, no. That's just the thing. Anna told me that Elaine said I was one of the worst seeds she'd ever seen.",JERRY,"Interesting. She doesn't care for you, then a stern warning, suddenly a phone call. Seems Elaine's made you the bad boy. And Anna digs the bad boy."
GEORGE,I'm the bad boy. I've never been the bad boy.,JERRY,"You've been the bad employee, the bad son, the bad friend..."
GEORGE,"Yes ... yes, yes",JERRY,"The bad fianc&Mac226;, the bad dinner guest, the bad credit risk..."
GEORGE,"Okay, the point is made.",JERRY,"The bad date, the bad sport, the bad citizen... (looks at table as George exits) The bad tipper!"
BRODY,Hey Kramer. And you must be Jerry. Thanks for the ticket.,JERRY,That's quite a feed bag you're workin' on there.
KRAMER,"Brody, c'mon. He's just kidding. He's a joke maker. Tell him, Jerry.",JERRY,I'm a joke maker.
KRAMER,"All right, here we go, Death Blow. (Brody takes out video camera)",JERRY,"(To Kramer) Hey, hey, what the hell is he doing?"
KRAMER,"Relax, he does that all the time.",JERRY,Does what?
KRAMER,"He's making a copy of the movie for sale on the street, hum?",JERRY,May I see you outside for a moment please?
KRAMER,But I want to--,JERRY,Outside!
ELAINE,"Don't you see? George is in the bloodstream! You stay away from him, too!",JERRY,What do you mean he's bootlegging the movie?
KRAMER,"Well, it's a perfectly legitimate business.",JERRY,It's not legitimate.
KRAMER,It's a business.,JERRY,Where did you meet this guy?
KRAMER,He's a friend of a friend. You know Corky Ramarez up on 94th Street? One day he and I are playing Pachinco--,JERRY,Kramer. (boom sound)
KRAMER,"Man, we're missin' the Death Blow!",JERRY,I don't believe this. (They run into theater)
BRODY,"Uh, there it goes again. Kramer, you gotta drive me home.",JERRY,"Hey, what is going on over there?"
BRODY,"Jerry, finish shooting the movie for me.",JERRY,Are you nuts? There's no way I'm holding that thing.
KRAMER,"Jerry, if the man is in pain...",JERRY,"Yeah well, maybe if he didn't lick his fingers before he reached in the bag we would've eaten some. Serves him right."
KRAMER,"Okay. Let's everybody just relax. Jerry, take the camera.",JERRY,"All right, I'm, i,m takin' the camera."
KRAMER,"(To Brody) C'mon, let's go.",JERRY,Oh man...
KRAMER,"Hey man, so how was the rest of Death Blow?",JERRY,How was the rest of Death Blow?
KRAMER,"Yeah, who got the final Death Blow, 'cause I thought that Hawaiian guy, he had it comin' to him!",JERRY,"Kramer, you make me get a ticket for this friend of yours and then the guy forces me to bootleg the movie at gun point!"
KRAMER,"He's quite a character, isn't he?",JERRY,"You know, he came by here at 3 o'clock in the morning to pick up the tape. I was scared out of my mind!"
KRAMER,Come on up. It's Brody.,JERRY,"What are you, crazy? I don't want to see this guy again."
KRAMER,"Jerry, you did him a favor. He probably wants to come up and thank you.",JERRY,What if I didn't do it right?
KRAMER,It's your first time. He'll understand.,JERRY,People with guns don't understand. That's why they get guns. Too many misunderstandings.
KRAMER,"Hey, Brody!",JERRY,Hi.
BRODY,"Jerry, I have to talk to you about the tape.",JERRY,Yeah.
BRODY,I've never seen such beautiful work.,JERRY,What?
BRODY,"(con,t) You're a genius. The zoom-ins, the framing. I was enchanted.",JERRY,"Well, I did the best I could."
KRAMER,Look at you! You've got another gig! Uhh.,JERRY,I don't want another gig! I'm not doin' this.
KRAMER,"But you have a gift. Jerry, this is not your little comedy act. We're talkin' feature films.",JERRY,We're talkin' federal crime here.
KRAMER,"(laughing) The French guy fell off his bike. Oh man, that's precious. (eats popcorn)",JERRY,"No, no, no, no, no, no, no! What were you thinking when you shot this?"
KRAMER,That's fine.,JERRY,Do you even know what this scene is about?
KRAMER,It's about a guy buying a loaf of bread.,JERRY,"No, bread is his soul. He's trying to buy back a loaf of his soul."
KRAMER,Wha? Where?,JERRY,Kramer there is no way you're giving this tape to Brody and telling him I shot it.
KRAMER,"Nah, nah, he's not going to know the difference.",JERRY,"I don't care about Brody. I was up on 96th Street today, there was a kid couldn't have been more than ten years old. He was asking a street vendor if he had any other bootlegs as good as Death Blow. That's who I care about. The little kid who needs bootlegs, because his parent or guardian won't let him see the excessive violence and strong sexual content you and I take for granted."
KRAMER,"So you'll do the movie? (Jerry watches the movie Kramer shot - we hear Kramer, on the tape say 'Ah man, I sat in gum')",JERRY,I have to. But I'm gonna need to storyboard this whole thing. Where are my magic markers?
ELAINE,"He doesn't know what he's talkin' about. (Jerry fake laughs) Jer? Jerry, I'm a good dancer, right?",JERRY,I forgot to make my bed. (He tries to get away)
ELAINE,"Jerry, do I stink?",JERRY,"All right, you're beyond stink."
ELAINE,But I really enjoy dancing.,JERRY,"And that's not helpin' either. That's why you're havin' trouble with your staff, not because of George."
ELAINE,It's that bad?,JERRY,"Have you ever seen yourself? (She starts dancing) Ah, ah, please, please. Not in my home. I gotta go throw this stuff in the laundry. I'll be right back."
BRODY,So where's the tape?,JERRY,"No, I didn't shoot this one. I'm just scouting the location."
BRODY,I need the tape.,JERRY,"You'll get your tape. But here's what I'm gonna need. I'm gonna need three cameras, two on the floor, one in the balcony. And I want headsets for the guys runnin' 'em. I wanna be able to talk to 'em."
BRODY,Are you out of your mind?,JERRY,Kramer...
BRODY,Just shoot the damn thing so I can get it out on the street!,JERRY,"All right. That's it, I can't work like this."
KRAMER,Jerry...,JERRY,I'm off the project. (He exits)
GEORGE,"Well, I'm the good boy again. Can you believe that?",JERRY,They think they can get anyone to shoot these bootlegs.
GEORGE,Anna actually has respect for me now. (laughs/snorts) It's all over.,JERRY,"Eh, the whole business has changed. It's all about money now. The sad thing is it's the kids that suffer. (Kramer enters)"
KRAMER,"Listen, man. You gotta shoot this movie for me. Brody, he's a reasonable man, but he's insane!",JERRY,"Kramer, I'm not doin' this anymore. I don't know what I was thinking. It's illegal, it's dangerous..."
KRAMER,"Jerry, George got arrested.",JERRY,What?
KRAMER,"Yeah. He went down at the Beackman, he tried to lam, but they cheesed him.",JERRY,Oh now I see. (Buzzer) Yeah.
BRODY,"Brody, I'm comin' up.",JERRY,What're we gonna do?
KRAMER,"Well, I ah, gotta give him something. Come on, where's that tape I shot?",JERRY,I think that's it. (They play it and see Elaine dancing) Sweet fancy Moses!
BRODY,Where's the tape?,JERRY,"Uh, well. It, uh..."
KRAMER,Although the whole story kinda comes apart at the end there.,JERRY,"Yeah, out of nowhere there's this lone dancer who appears to be injured."
KRAMER,"Yeah, it's a disturbing image.",JERRY,"Yeah, so you cry... and when you see the dancing, you cry again."
FRANK,You wanna piece of me? You got it! (They begin to fight),JERRY,"But he's an old man, Elaine."
ELAINE,"Well, he wrote the check, and I cashed it.",JERRY,"(Seeing a street vendor) Hey, it's the bootlegged Death Blow that I shot."
ELAINE,"Oh, Cry Cry Again, I wanna see that.",JERRY,No you don't.
MAN,You shot Death Blow?,JERRY,Yeah.
MAN,That was brilliant.,JERRY,Thank you. (They continue walking)
ELAINE,You were big.,JERRY,I'm still big. It's the bootlegs that got small. So how are things at the office? Back to normal?
ELAINE,"Yeah, pretty much. Although I still get the vibe every once in a while.",JERRY,I wouldn't worry about it. (People on sidewalk behind them are doing her dance as they go)
GEORGE,Ohhhhhh,JERRY,No. All you got to do is jiggle it with this screwdriver.
GEORGE,Smile,JERRY,What are you doing?
GEORGE,"I meet this women, Sheila. She works down at the one hour photo pace. She's got this incredible smile. Like she's got extra teeth or something",JERRY,Extra teeth. I love that look.
GEORGE,"Hey check this out. I go to pick up my pictures and she says "" I hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt.""",JERRY,What mustard stain?
GEORGE,Don't you see. She's looking at my pictures.,JERRY,Why did you take a picture of a mustard stain?
GEORGE,That's got nothing to do with it.,JERRY,I see. She's looking.
KRAMER,"Hey, you got to get this thing fixed.",JERRY,They've tried to fix it. But it keeps coming back the same.
KRAMER,Would you like a refund?,JERRY,Well I can't the warranty expired two years ago.
KRAMER,Would you be interested?,JERRY,Well how are you going.....
KRAMER,Would you?,JERRY,I guess I would.
ELAINE,You are not going to believe what happened to me at the doctors office today.,JERRY,Not the gown again.
ELAINE,"No, no. I was looking at my chart and it said I was difficult. Why would they write that?",JERRY,They have gotten to know you.
ELAINE,Oh come on. I'm not difficult. I'm easy.,JERRY,Why because you dress casual and sleep with a lot of guys.
POSTAL WORKER DANNY,Seinfeld?,JERRY,Yeah.
POSTAL WORKER DANNY,I got a package for you. Sign here.,JERRY,Who's it from?
POSTAL WORKER DANNY,No return address.,JERRY,What if I don't want it?
POSTAL WORKER,Are you refusing delivery?,JERRY,Maybe I am.
POSTAL WORKER DANNY,Why would you do that?,JERRY,I've never done it before.
POSTAL WORKER DANNY,Why start now?,JERRY,Why not?
GEORGE,Why did you refuse the package. Everybody loves a package.,JERRY,I don't know it was weird. Crazy printing. I don't know who it was from.
GEORGE,What do you think it's a bomb?,JERRY,It's not totally impossible.
GEORGE,Oh the ego on you.,JERRY,Why can't I be bombable?
GEORGE,Who's going to bomb you. An airline for all the stupid little peanut jokes.,JERRY,I suppose you think your bombable.
GEORGE,Hey. There is a couple of people that wouldn't mind having me out of the way.,JERRY,There's more than a couple.
GEORGE,Hey. Check these out. I just picked them up from Sheila. She must have loved these.,JERRY,You don't have a Mercedes.
GEORGE,I know. I just sort of leaned on it so it would look like it was mine.,JERRY,The driver seems a little put out.
GEORGE,No. He was fine with it. Check that out.,JERRY,Is that Burt Reynolds?
GEORGE,Wax Museum.,JERRY,Oh.
GEORGE,Oh. What is this?,JERRY,That's a lot of skin.
GEORGE,This must be Sheila from the photo place.,JERRY,You can barely see her face.
GEORGE,All right. I will see you boys later.,JERRY,Where are you going?
KRAMER,Well as you know I've always been something of a photog.,JERRY,Oh yeah I like this idea.
ELAINE,Oh please no more.,JERRY,Hey
GEORGE,Where's Kramer?,JERRY,He went to get some steak sauce. Why?
GEORGE,Personal matter.,JERRY,Hello
UNCLE LEO,Jerry! It's your Uncle Leo! Hello!,JERRY,Hello Leo. You don't have to yell.
UNCLE LEO,I got your package.,JERRY,How did you get my package?
UNCLE LEO,What should I do with it?,JERRY,I don't know what you should do with it.
GEORGE,Tell him to open it.,JERRY,I am not going to treat my uncle like a bomb defusing robot.
UNCLE LEO,"Jerry, Your cousin Jeffrey is in the Parks Production of ""The Mikado"". I want you to go see it with me.",JERRY,Open the package Leo.
UNCLE LEO,Okay. Opening.,JERRY,Opening.
ELAINE,So it wasn't a bomb.,JERRY,"No, No bomb."
ELAINE,Well then what?,JERRY,Oh stupid Leo was using one of those oven cleaners. He left the canister in there and the pilot light was on. The whole thing blew up.
ELAINE,But he's okay?,JERRY,"Yeah but the explosion singed off his eyebrows, mustache everything. He's all smooth now. Look's like a seal."
ELAINE,Yeah I am still holding.,JERRY,Is this my stereo?
KRAMER,Hey you got it.,JERRY,What happened to my stereo? It's all smashed up.
KRAMER,That's right. Now it looks like it was broken during shipping and I insured it for $400.,JERRY,But you were supposed to get me a refund.
KRAMER,You can't get a refund. Your warranty expired two years ago.,JERRY,So were going to make the Post Office pay for my new stereo?
KRAMER,It's just a write off for them.,JERRY,How is it a write off?
KRAMER,They just write it off.,JERRY,Write it off what?
KRAMER,Jerry all these big companies they write off everything,JERRY,You don't even know what a write off is.
KRAMER,Do you?,JERRY,No. I don't.
KRAMER,But they do and they are the ones writing it off.,JERRY,I wish I just had the last twenty seconds of my life back.
ELAINE,"What?!? He doesn't have one appointment this whole month!?! Oh come on. I am dying here man. Hello, hello.",JERRY,Still no luck
ELAINE,Jerry I am at doctor Zimmerman. I am at the end of the alphabet.,JERRY,There's no Zorn or Zoutraph.
ELAINE,There on vacation. Every doctor in this city seems to know who I am .,JERRY,Hey what about Dr. Resnick My Uncle Leo is going to see him tomorrow .
ELAINE,Dr. Resnick. He's not listed.,JERRY,He's not that good.
KRAMER,You are a lover boy!!,JERRY,Oh yeah. This can't miss.
ELAINE,Shhhhhh. Here.,JERRY,I don't like this Kramer. Will it be much longer?
ATTENDANT,I am sorry. It looks like the claim has been red flagged. Your under investigation.,JERRY,Investigation?
NEWMAN,Hello Jerry.,JERRY,Hello Newman.
NEWMAN,All right. Then let me ask you this. Didn't you find it interesting that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your stereo. Huh. I mean parcels are rarely damaged during shipping.,JERRY,Define rarely.
NEWMAN,Frequently.,JERRY,Are we about throw here Newman?
NEWMAN,It's pretty hot under these lights huh Seinfeld. Pretty....... Hot .,JERRY,Actually I am quite comfortable.
NEWMAN,Can I have a sip?,JERRY,No.
NEWMAN,Not going to play ball. Huh all right. Admit it that stereo was all ready busted.,JERRY,You can't prove anything.
NEWMAN,Is this or is this not your signature?,JERRY,No in a matter of fact it isn't.
NEWMAN,"Gentlemen, gentlemen. I am so happy to see you both. There is just some inconsistencies I'd like to straighten out.",JERRY,I'm clean and you know it.
NEWMAN,Clean? Hardly. This looks like a man that isn't happy with his stereo performance.,JERRY,Where did you get that?
NEWMAN,It looks like your breaking into it like an otter breaking into a clad.,JERRY,I don't know about that but I'm sure there is a explanation.
NEWMAN,There will be a small fine.,JERRY,Okay.
NEWMAN,Not so fast pretty boy. There is more to this sorted little affair.,JERRY,Oh my god!!
NEWMAN,We have some questions we'd like you to answer.,JERRY,I have some questions of my own.
GEORGE,Listen Sheila it's not what you think. I put my trust into the wrong person. He said the key word was tasteful.,JERRY,The timeless art of seduction.
WOMAN,"Well I started out working in mortgage bonds, but I just found that so limiting.",JERRY,My friend Kramer and I were discussing that same thing the other day. He was with Brant-Leland for a while.
WOMAN,"Wow. Well then my mentor suggested that I move into equities, best move I ever made.",JERRY,Mentor? You mean your boss.
WOMAN,"Oh, no no no, Cynthia's just a successful businesswoman who's taken me under her wing.",JERRY,Hmm. So Cynthia's your mentor.
WOMAN,"And I'm her protg. You must have someone like that. You know, who guides you in your career path.",JERRY,"Well, I like Gabe Kaplan."
GEORGE,I still don't understand this. Abby has a mentor?,JERRY,Yes. And the mentor advises the protg.
GEORGE,Is there any money involved?,JERRY,No.
GEORGE,So what's in it for the mentor?,JERRY,"Respect, admiration, prestige."
GEORGE,Pssh. Would the protg pick up stuff for the mentor?,JERRY,"I suppose if it was on the protg's way to the mentor, they might."
GEORGE,Laundry? Dry cleaning?,JERRY,"It's not a valet, it's a protg."
GEORGE,"Alright. Listen, I gotta get some reading done. You mind if I do this here? I can't concentrate in my apartment.",JERRY,(checking out George's textbook) Risk management?
GEORGE,Yeah. Steinbrenner wants everyone in the front office to give a lecture in their area of business expertise.,JERRY,Well what makes them think you're a risk management expert?
GEORGE,I guess it's on my resume.,JERRY,Hello?
GEORGE,"You know what? I can't do this. I can't read books anymore; books on tape have ruined me, Jerry. I need that nice voice. This book has *my* voice. I hate my voice.",JERRY,So get this book on tape.
ELAINE,"Hey, Jer. Are you going to this Bob Sacamano party?",JERRY,Am I going? It was three nights ago.
ELAINE,"What? You're kidding, I just got this invitation today. Oh, I was so excited. It's really a beautiful invitation.",JERRY,"Oh, it was a lovely affair."
ELAINE,"Alright, send him up here.",JERRY,You gonna do a little yelling?
ELAINE,I'm gonna do a little firing.,JERRY,"That is so cool, can you put me on the speaker?"
ELAINE,"Oh yeah, sure. (hangs up) Gimme a break.",JERRY,"Hey, Copernicus?"
ELAINE,"Eddie. Yes, um, I am so sorry but I'm afraid we're gonna have to... promote you.",JERRY,"So, what did you say?"
ELAINE,"Well, I called him all the way up to my office, so I had to tell him something important. So I promoted him.",JERRY,What? What did you--
ELAINE,Copywriter.,JERRY,He's writing copy?
KRAMER,Yowza yowza. Check it out.,JERRY,(reading) Jewish singles night?
KRAMER,Well neither am I.,JERRY,Well why are you going?
KRAMER,"I'm not, I'm running it.",JERRY,What are you talking about?
KRAMER,"Well Lomez, he usually runs it but he's in the Everglades.",JERRY,Lomez is Jewish?
KRAMER,"Yeah, Frank Costanza, he's getting me a room at his lodge. So Jerry, you know I'm really counting on you to come to this.",JERRY,"Kramer, you know, I--"
ABBY,My mentor says the duck is outstanding here.,JERRY,"I'm not really a duck fan, the skin seems sort of human."
ABBY,"Hello. Jerry, this is Cynthia Pearlman, my mentor.",JERRY,Hello.
CYNTHIA,"Great, my boyfriend's just parking the car. Actually, Jerry, you",JERRY,No kidding?
CYNTHIA,Kenny Bania.,JERRY,Bania?
MAN,"Oh, tell me about it. These things have ruined me for Braille.",JERRY,Reading for the Blind?
GEORGE,"I take an eye test; I flunk it, the next thing you know I am swinging to the sweet sounds of risk management.",JERRY,"So, I finally met the mentor."
GEORGE,What's she like? Impressive?,JERRY,"Oh yeah, she's dating Bania."
GEORGE,Bania?,JERRY,Yeah. I had to spend two hours at dinner last night with that specimen.
GEORGE,What did you have?,JERRY,"Chicken, how could she look up to a person who voluntarily spends time with Bania?"
GEORGE,Marsala?,JERRY,"Piccata, if anything I should be dating a mentor and Bania should be setting pins in a bowling alley."
KRAMER,"Well, he came by to pick up his check for the banquet hall. You know I got a hundred and eighty-three responses? Oh, it's gonna be a rager.",JERRY,"Kramer, how are you gonna cook Jewish delicacies for a hundred and eighty-three people?"
ELAINE,What am I gonna do? He is a disaster.,JERRY,"Well, if he's doing that bad, maybe he's in line for another promotion."
GEORGE,"You're a very handsome man, by the way.",JERRY,What the hell is going on here?
KRAMER,"I got three kitchens going. I got brisket going at Newman's, I got kugel working at Mrs. Zamfino's, this is kreplach. Here, try some of this.",JERRY,"No, I don't want to."
KRAMER,Hah?,JERRY,"Oh, this is awful."
KRAMER,"Jerry, it's kreplach. It's an acquired taste, yeah.",JERRY,Did you follow the recipe?
KRAMER,The recipe was for four to six people; I had to multiply for a hundred and eighty-three people. I guess I got confused.,JERRY,It tastes like dirt.
KRAMER,"Well I also dropped it on the way over. Look I'm in trouble, I got no skills. I can't peel, I can't chop, I can't grate. I can't mince! I got no sense of flavor, obviously. You know, I gotta talk to Frank.",JERRY,"Kramer, you can't talk to Frank."
ABBY,"So, great dinner last night.",JERRY,"Yeah, it was alright."
ABBY,I told Cynthia we'd double with her and Bania Saturday and then catch his act.,JERRY,"No. No, no way, no Bania."
ABBY,What?,JERRY,"Have you seen his act? He's got a twelve-minute bit about Ovaltine. He's a punk, a patsy, a hack."
ABBY,Cynthia would not date a hack.,JERRY,Would. Does. Is.
FRANK,"No. No, I'll never cook again! Never! Now get out of my house!! Get out. Go.",JERRY,So you saw Bania's act?
ABBY,He got two minutes into that Ovaltine thing and I just couldn't take it anymore.,JERRY,"I told you, it's like getting beaten with a bag of oranges."
ABBY,Why is he so obsessed with Ovaltine?,JERRY,He just thinks that anything that dissolves in milk is funny.
ABBY,"Anyway, Cynthia and I got into this big argument afterwards and I think it's over.",JERRY,No more mentor?
ABBY,Looks that way.,JERRY,Well at least you and I are okay again.
ABBY,Actually I was kind of thinking that maybe we shouldn't see each other for a while.,JERRY,Why?
ABBY,Well I'm feeling a little disoriented. It's just weird for me not to have an advisor.,JERRY,I can tell you what to do.
ABBY,"No, it's more than that.",JERRY,I can tell you what to think.
ABBY,I need someone I can trust.,JERRY,Oh.
GEORGE,"I got a big problem here, Jerry. The tapes are worthless.",JERRY,"Kind of in the middle of something here, George."
ABBY,I gotta run anyway.,JERRY,I can't believe you feel you really need a mentor.
ABBY,I just need someone who can give me some kind of direction. I'll see ya.,JERRY,"Yeah, see ya."
BANIA,Hey Jerry.,JERRY,"Oh, hey Bania."
BANIA,Didja hear what happened? The mentor saw my act. She dumped me.,JERRY,"Oh, that's too bad."
BANIA,"Maybe she's right. Maybe I am a complete hack. I'm the absolute worst. The worst, Jerry.",JERRY,"Well it's just that you got so many things with the milk. You got that Bosco bit then you got your Nestl's Quik bit, by the time you get to Ovaltine--"
ELAINE,"Let's just replace ""hail of shrapnel"" and ""scar tissue"" with ""string of pearls"" and ""raspberry scones"".",JERRY,George Costanza is your mentor?
ABBY,"Yeah, he's great! I am learning so much.",JERRY,About what? How to calculate five percent of a restaurant check?
ABBY,You know what your problem is? You just have no respect for the mentor/mentor relationship.,JERRY,"As a matter of fact, I happen to have a protg of my own."
ABBY,Who?,JERRY,A Mister Kenneth Bania.
ABBY,Bania?,JERRY,I'm gonna mentor this kid to the top.
ABBY,"Huh, well, I don't think I want to date a mentor whose protg is a hack.",JERRY,"Well, I don't think I want to date a protg whose mentor is a Costanza."
ELAINE,Mm. This food is fantastic.,JERRY,Have you tried the hamentashen?
BANIA,Hey Jerry!,JERRY,Bania?
BANIA,I just stopped by to thank you. That risk management stuff you wrote for me? It's killer!,JERRY,Risk management?
FRANK,"Noooo!!! Don't eat it! No good!""",JERRY,"Hey, have you seen all these new commercials for indigestion drugs? Pepcid AC, Tagemat HB."
ELAINE,"Ugh, the whole country's sick to their stomach.",JERRY,"Now, you know you're supposed to take these things before you get sick?"
ELAINE,"What is this, a 'bit'?",JERRY,No.
ELAINE,'Cos I'm not in the mood.,JERRY,"We're just talking. Is this not the greatest marketing ploy ever? If you feel good, you're supposed to take one!"
ELAINE,"Yeah, I know that tone. This is a bit.",JERRY,They've opened up a whole new market. Medication for the well.
ELAINE,"(tired) Alright, are you done with your little amusement?",JERRY,(hopeful) Then you admit it was amusing?
ELAINE,"It was okay, but move the 'medication for the well' to the front, and hit the word 'good' harder.",JERRY,(thinking) Great. Thanks.
BRETT,The song.,JERRY,So when do I meet this jerk?
ELAINE,"He's not a jerk, Jer. He only works with Karl Farbman.",JERRY,Who?
ELAINE,"(dismissive) I dunno, some designer. Anyway, Brett is so generous, and sensitive. Last night he was moved just listening to a song.",JERRY,What song?
ELAINE,Desperado.,JERRY,Desperado?
ELAINE,Uh huh.,JERRY,And you're still dating him? I tell you who sounds a little desperado.
ELAINE,Uh huh.,JERRY,I invented that.
ELAINE,"That, had to be invented?",JERRY,"When I started out as a comedian, I sold umbrellas. It was my idea to twirl it, to attract customers."
ELAINE,"(skeptical) Oh hoh, really? Well, why don't we ask him about it?",JERRY,Elaine.
ELAINE,"Excuse me. Hey, how you doing. Uhm, my, uh, friend here says that he invented that little twirl you're doing.",JERRY,"Elaine, please, it was a long time ago. The man doesn't want a history lesson."
ELAINE,(looking at Jerry) Ohh.,JERRY,I know Teddy Padillac. I worked with him on Forty-eighth and Sixth.
CLICKY,"Yeah, that's where he come up with it.",JERRY,In his dreams.
ELAINE,"Alright, can we (glances at her watch) go?",JERRY,"(to Clicky) By the way, you're doing it too fast. You'll disorient the customers."
GEORGE,(pulls a face) I find it disorienting. Who buys an umbrella anyway? Y..you get 'em for free in the coffee shop in the metal cans.,JERRY,(as if speaking to a moron) Those belong to people.
KRAMER,Hey. Well. (proffers the envelope) This was downstairs for you. Ker-ching.,JERRY,"(taking the envelope) Oh no, not more checks. They're coming faster than I can sign 'em."
KRAMER,"Oh, you didn't hear? Jerry's a big star in Japan.",JERRY,I don't know why. There's a one-second clip of me in the opening credits of some Japanese comedy show.
KRAMER,"Yeah, the Super Terrific Happy Hour.",JERRY,"(opening the envelope and pulling out a stack of checks) They run it all the time, and now I'm starting to get all these royalty checks."
GEORGE,Look at all of those! You're rich!,JERRY,Naw. Each one is for like twelve cents. It's barely worth the pain in my hand to sign 'em.
KRAMER,"Hey, Jerry, you need any new furniture?",JERRY,Why?
GEORGE,He's giving you furniture? Who is this guy?,JERRY,"Ah, who are any of her losers?"
GEORGE,"So? For a twenty-five dollar cleaning, I can listen to some pointless blather.",JERRY,"I do it, I'm not even getting the cleaning."
KRAMER,"(takes camera) Oh, yeah, sure.",JERRY,I'm gonna ask this guy something.
CREW LEADER,(flat) Good luck with that.,JERRY,Hey.
ELAINE,What's with the claw?,JERRY,Super terrific carpal tunnel syndrome.
ELAINE,"Oh, Brett. (indicating) This is Jerry.",JERRY,Hi.
BRETT,That's very funny. Elaine told me you were some kinda comedian.,JERRY,"Ah, I'm one kind."
ELAINE,Have you seen the chest of drawers that Brett gave to Kramer?,JERRY,The Fleckman.
BRETT,Farbman.,JERRY,Right.
ELAINE,You gotta see 'em. Beautiful.,JERRY,"(not interested) Oh, I'm sure they are."
BRETT,I'd be happy to get you some if that's what you're driving at.,JERRY,"No. I'm fine, thank you."
BRETT,Looks like what you really need is a decent desk for writing your skits.,JERRY,(quiet annoyance) I don't write skits.
ELAINE,"Oh. Jerry, you wanna join us?",JERRY,"Oh, where you going? The coffee shop?"
BRETT,(scoff) Coffee shop? I think we can do a little better than that. You look like you could use a solid meal at a real restaurant.,JERRY,You look like you could use a...
ELAINE,"(apologetic, silently mouthed) Sorry.",JERRY,No spiel?
GEORGE,(annoyed) Not a peep. They just cleaned the carpets and left. Call themselves a cult!,JERRY,So you're angry that this bizarre carpet cabal made no attempt to abduct you?
GEORGE,They could've at least tried!,JERRY,"You know, maybe they thought you looked too smart to be brainwashed?"
GEORGE,Please.,JERRY,Too dumb?
KRAMER,"Konichi-wa. Yeah, it's a gift from my Japanese friends. (sits beside Jerry) They're known as gift-givers. And tonight we're going dancing at the Rainbow Room.",JERRY,Sounds like you're throwing a lot of their money around.
KRAMER,"Well, they recognised Jerry from the Super Terrific Happy Hour. See now, you should be doing your own show in Japan. Now, they get you.",JERRY,What kind of show am I gonna do in Japan?
GEORGE,"(enthusiastic) And, you know, I do a lotta business with Japanese TV. They broadcast a lot of American baseball. They got an office here in New York!",JERRY,Forget it! The pilot was awful. It failed.
EXECUTIVE 1,Is this customary in your legal system?,JERRY,No. That's what makes it such a humorous situation.
EXECUTIVE 1,(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE Again with the oranges,JERRY,(flexing his fingers) Sorry. My hand is numb.
ELAINE,"Ah, I think I'm on the outs with Brett. I got shushed during Desperado.",JERRY,(throws out his hands) What does he listen to? The all Desperado station?
ELAINE,"He is just in his own world when he hears that song. It's like, I'm sitting there in the car, and he's.. out riding fences.",JERRY,"You know, what you need is a song you can share."
ELAINE,Yes. You're right. We need to find 'our' song.,JERRY,"Okay. So, is there any song that you feel very strongly about?"
ELAINE,(points) I like Witchy Woman.,JERRY,Witchy Woman?
ELAINE,"You know, Witchy Woman. (sings) 'Ooo-ooh, wit-chay woman'.",JERRY,(getting it) Ahh. Wit-chay Woman.
ELAINE,Hey.,JERRY,Hey. How was the Rainbow Room?
KRAMER,"Uh, well, we, uh, we had to leave early. There was a, uh, slight monetary discrepancy regarding the bill.",JERRY,Ah.
KRAMER,"Uh, listen, uh, can I borrow some pillows?",JERRY,What for?
KRAMER (O.C.),"Yeah, well, uh, my Japanese friends're gonna stay with me.",JERRY,I thought they all had suites at the Plaza?
KRAMER,"Well, I'm sorry, Jerry, we all don't have checks rolling in like you do.",JERRY,"Well, what about all that money from the kimonos I wear?"
ELAINE,In them?!,JERRY,You have them sleeping in drawers?!
KRAMER,"Jerry, have you ever seen the business hotels in Tokyo? They sleep in tiny stacked cubicles all the time. They feel right at home.",JERRY,This has 'international incident' written all over it.
MR YAMAGUCHI,(sits up) Oyasuminasai *(Japanese for goodnight),JERRY,What is this?
KRAMER,"Rice Crispies. East meets West, Jerry.",JERRY,"Ah. It's a lovely little bureau and breakfast you're running. Well, I'm off to the bank."
KRAMER,(opening the fridge) Sayonara.,JERRY,(leaving) Konichi-wa.
MR OH (O.C.),"Ach, come back in half hour.",JERRY,"(calls) Hey, I'll take one."
TEDDY,(unfriendly recognition) Jerry Seinfeld!,JERRY,"Teddy Padillac. Long time, no see. (pointing at the umbrellas) What've you got in a push-button mini."
TEDDY,"(bitter) Same thing we had, when you bailed on us, fifteen years ago.",JERRY,"Bailed? C'mon, you knew I wanted to be a comedian. Besides, we had some good time. Remember Tropical Storm Renee?"
TEDDY,"(to Clicky) Easy, there. (to Jerry) I hear you're taking credit for the twirl.",JERRY,"Aw, it was so many years ago. Who cares?"
TEDDY,(intense) I care. Clicky cares.,JERRY,"So, could I..."
TEDDY,"(sour) Yeah, sure. Two hundred dollars.",JERRY,(shock) What?!
BRETT,(calls over) Hey Jerry!,JERRY,"Oh, hi Brett."
BRETT,Haven't you ever heard of an umbrella?,JERRY,"Ah, I didn't have enough money."
BRETT,I'm sure things'll pick up for you.,JERRY,"No, it's not that, it's the..."
BRETT,"Ah, don't worry, I can spot you the (reads) twelve cents?",JERRY,"No, it's not the money. It's my hand. It's crippled from writing and writing."
BRETT,"Nothing's working for you, is is?",JERRY,"(bitter) Not at the moment, Brett."
BRETT,"I'd give you a ride, but I got Karl Farbman here.",JERRY,(sarcastic) Thanks for stopping!
ELAINE,"Brett said you ran away from him, as if he were the boogetyman.",JERRY,Boogeyman.
ELAINE,Boogey?,JERRY,"I'm quite sure. Anyway, any luck getting together on a song?"
ELAINE,"No. He blew out my Witchy Woman, and he won't share Desperado. Hey, what d'you think of Oye Como Va?",JERRY,(negative) Eehh.
ELAINE,"(desperation) Well, I'm running outta guys here in this city, Jer!",JERRY,Hey.
GEORGE,(excited) Great news! I showed the pilot to Kramer's Japanese friends. They loved it!,JERRY,Really? They bought the butler character?
GEORGE,(excited) Did I tell you that story's relatable?! That was a great show! That is why I'm bringing it back to NBC.,JERRY,NBC?
GEORGE,(little subdued) Nakahama Broadcast Corporation.,JERRY,Ah. But they told us we must go now.
GEORGE,"But now I have my own market research. Actual Japanese viewers, that love the show! I'm gonna talk to Kramer.",JERRY,"Hey, George, do me a favour. If they make you an offer, whatever it is. (vehement) Just take it!"
GEORGE,"Hey, by the way, what'd you think of Miss Yoshimura?",JERRY,Who?
GEORGE,"Get a good night's sleep, alright fellas. (thumbs up) Big day tomorrow!",JERRY,(to himself) Last one.
GEORGE,(frantic) I'm calling Jerry.,JERRY,Yeah?
GEORGE,"(panicked and rushed) Jerry! The Japanese guys had sake in the hot-tub! You gotta get 'em outta the drawers and get 'em down here, or I don't have a focus group to sell the pilot to Japanese TV!",JERRY,(kidding) Uncle Leo?
GEORGE,(scream) Jerry!!,JERRY,"Alright, alright. I'll wake 'em up."
MR OH (O.C.),"Mr Jerry! Open the drawer, please!",JERRY,It's stuck. (pained) Oww! The steam from the hot-tub musta warped the wood.
MR OH (O.C.),Pull harder.,JERRY,I'm trying. I can't get a grip. My hand's had kind of a bad week.
MR OH (O.C),"Very funny, but no joking, please.",JERRY,"(looks round) Don't worry, I'll get you out."
EXECUTIVE 1,(speaks Japanese) SUBTITLE With these two idiots I don't know how the Yankees won the World Series.,JERRY,"(apologetically) Brett, I'm, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to hit you in the head with.. an axe."
BRETT,I can't remember his name!,JERRY,Fleckman?
GEORGE,Dollar Eighty-Nine. Why is this a dollar eighty-nine? Why is there no haggling in this country?,JERRY,I guess we like to think we've progressed beyond a knife fight for a citrus drink.
GEORGE,Not me. Everything should be negotiable. (he picks up a container of fruit),JERRY,Restaurants too?
GEORGE,Absolutely. You're telling me there's no room to move on pasta. All starches are a scam.,JERRY,"Yea especially Ziti, with that big hole."
WORKER,Get the hell out of here.,JERRY,Tell him forty and no fork.
WORKER,That's it you leave and never come back!,JERRY,"How about we leave and, come back in a week?"
KRAMER,Awe check it out.,JERRY,"Wow. Kenny Rogers Roasters. Finally open. Hey, look at the size of that neon chicken on the roof."
KRAMER,"Roger's can't sell chicken around here, we got chicken places on every block.",JERRY,He is the gambler.
KRAMER,"Well, (rubs hands) I gotta meet Newman at the pet store. Helping him pick out a turtle.",JERRY,Try and stay calm.
MAN,Hey Jerry.,JERRY,Seth! Wow what has it been like five years?
SETH,At least.,JERRY,You wanna grab lunch?
SETH,"Ah, I'm actually headed back to the office.",JERRY,"Seth, it's me. What's more important than catching up with an old college buddy?"
SETH,"Well I am, supposed to be in this meeting.",JERRY,Blow it off. Remember Poli Sci? How many of those did we go to?
SETH & JERRY,"Alright, alright.",JERRY,Hey whatever happened to Moochie?
SETH,He's dead.,JERRY,Is that right?
SETH,So how's your stand up career?,JERRY,"Good, as a matter of fact. I almost had my own show in Japan."
SETH,Do you speak Japanese?,JERRY,No
SETH,"So you would have done it in Japan, but in English.",JERRY,I don't know. So what's this job of yours?
SETH,Big investment firm.,JERRY,Mmmm.
SETH,We just got the Citibank account. In fact today was our first big meeting with them.,JERRY,"The, the meeting you blew off?"
SETH,Yea.,JERRY,Wasn't that kind of important?
ELAINE,"...and I brought I whole new set of cookware, and a Water Pik.",JERRY,You use a Water Pik?
ELAINE,"Sure. Water Pik, floss, Plax, brush, Listerine.",JERRY,"So you go in the bathroom at eleven your in bed by what, two?"
ELAINE,Good day.,JERRY,Hello. Anybody?
GEORGE,Hey.,JERRY,Hey. Why didn't cha get the big one?
GEORGE,"This hat just bottles in the heat, I -I don't even need a coat! It's unbelievable!",JERRY,I don't believe it.
GEORGE,"Ah, and I got a date with the sales woman. She's got a little Marisa Tomei thing going on.",JERRY,"Ahh, too bad you got a little, George Costanza thing going on."
GEORGE,"I'm going out with her tomorrow, she said she had some errands to run.",JERRY,That's a date?
GEORGE,"What's the difference? You know they way I work. I'm like a commercial jingle. First it's a little irritating, then you hear it a few times, youre hummin it in the shower, by the third date it's (sings) ""By Mennen!"".",JERRY,How do you make sure your gonna get to the third date?
GEORGE,"If there's any doubt, I do a leave-behind. Keys, gloves, scarf -- I go back to her place to pick it up...(pop sound) date number two.",JERRY,That is so old. Why don't you show up at her door in a wood horse?
KRAMER,What?,JERRY,That light!
KRAMER,"Oh the red. Yeah, Its the chicken roaster sign. You know, its right across from my window.",JERRY,Can't you shut the shades?
KRAMER,"They are shut. Oh by the way, your friend Seth, he stopped by.",JERRY,Oh yeah? What'd he have to say?
ELAINE,Ohh. (trying to control the Water Pik and shut it off.),JERRY,"Seth, if you knew the meeting was so important why did you go the lunch with me?"
SETH,We're old college buddies.,JERRY,I only knew you through Moochie.
SETH,"Hey Jerry don't worry about it all right. The important thing is, is we got to catch up. Mind if I ah, grab the want ads?",JERRY,"Um, actually I haven't read Tank McNamara yet. (takes the paper back)"
KRAMER,"Its killing me, I can't eat, I can't sleep. All I can see is that giant red sun in the shape of a chicken. (gets some cereal from the cubard and pours it in a big bowl)",JERRY,"Well, did you go down to the Kenny Rogers and complain?"
KRAMER,"Ah, they gave me the heave ho. You know, I don't think that Kenny Rogers has any idea what's going on down there.",JERRY,What are you doing?
KRAMER,Getting some cereal,JERRY,"That, that's tomato juice."
KRAMER,"That looked like milk to me! Jerry my Rods and Cones are all screwed up! Alright, that's it.  I gotta move in with you Jerry.",JERRY,"I don't know Kramer, ahh, my concern is that ...."
KRAMER,"Alright listen to me, I got a great idea. Now, you're a heavy sleeper, right? Why don't we just switch apartments?",JERRY,"Or I could sleep in the park? You could knock these walls down, make it an eight room luxury suite."
KRAMER,"Jerry these are load bearing walls, they're not gonna come down!",JERRY,"Yea, that's no good."
KRAMER,I may have to drive that place out of business.,JERRY,How you gonna do that?
GEORGE,"Ah, a, You know what, maybe I'll just come ... umm, yummm (stammering)",JERRY,Seth?
SETH,Jerry Hi! What do you think?,JERRY,"I think your taking the trash out for this chicken place, but that couldn't be."
SETH,"Yeah, I'm the new manager",JERRY,"But your were an executive, this is fast food."
SETH,That's not going to be good for business.,JERRY,That's not going to be good for anybody.
KRAMER,Jerry Im so glad we switched apartments. It was a perfect solution.,JERRY,"Look Kramer, i-i-if I'm gonna live over there, y-y-you gotta take some of this stuff out. I mean this thing is really freaking me out (holds up a ventriloquist dummy). I feel like its gonna come to life in the middle of the night and kill me."
KRAMER,"What, Mr. Marbles? He's harmless.",JERRY,"And one other thing, I don't want Newman using my..."
NEWMAN,"... a man can really get some thinking done. (sits on couch, next to Kramer.)",JERRY,Well don't get too comfortable. As soon as Seth gets a real job you two are gong back in that chicken supernova.
GEORGE,"Yep, this one for our side!",JERRY,"(Thinking) What is that creaking, its like I'm in the hold of a ship. Gotta relax."
KRAMER,You should sleep with him.,JERRY,"Hey buddy. I'm on no sleep, no sleep!. You don't know what it's like in there, all night long things are creaking and cracking. And that red light is burning my brain!"
ELAINE,You look a little stressed.,JERRY,"Oh I'm stressed! (makes like Kramer, outstretching his arm. Jerry heads for the freezer for some ice cream.)"
ELAINE,So Kramer what am I supposed to do? If I don't have that fur hat by four o'clock they're gonna take me down like Nixon.,JERRY,You know my friend Bob Sacamano?
ELAINE,I thought he was Kramer's friend.,JERRY,"Well, he called last night about 3 a.m. and we got to talking, he sells Russian hats down at battery park, forty bucks."
ELAINE,Forty bucks? Are they Sable?,JERRY,"No, but the difference is negligible."
ELAINE,"Alright, lets give it a shot, lets go.",JERRY,Giddee up!
KRAMER,Hmm. That's a shame.,JERRY,"Seth, you're the manager, can't you turn off that sign?"
NEWMAN,"Number 67, right here, right here!",JERRY,Hello Newman.
SETH,And don't forget your steamed broccoli.,JERRY,"Hold it. Broccoli? Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce."
NEWMAN,"I love.. broccoli, its, good for you.",JERRY,Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece?
NEWMAN,Vile weed!,JERRY,"It's Kramer isn't it? I knew it!  The greasy door knob the constant licking of the fingers, he's hooked to the chicken isn't he?"
KRAMER,"Newman, what took you... ah hey, hey",JERRY,Expecting Newman? That's funny because I just happened upon him down at the Kenny Roger's Roasters.
KRAMER,"Oh, shh, Kenny Roger's? Whew, boy, I hate that place.",JERRY,"He was buying quite a load of chicken, almost for two people ..."
KRAMER,Oh,JERRY,... as long as one of them is not him.
KRAMER,"(laughs) Oh hey, you know Elaine, ah she stopped by...",JERRY,Uh-ha.
KRAMER,"... Yeah dropped off that Bob Sacamano hat. Oh she's ah, upset at him, oh yes siree. Yeah well thanks for stopping by.",JERRY,I sure do miss my apartment. Maybe I'll switch back.
KRAMER,"Oh you don't want to think about that no sir. Otherwise I'd have no choice but to put that banner back up and eh, he-he-hwow, run that Roger's right out of town.",JERRY,I don't think you will. As a matter of fact I'll save you the trouble. I'll do it myself.
KRAMER,"Yeah, yeah go ahead yeah, put the banner up doesn't matter to me.",JERRY,All right. (opens door - Red light floods hallway - a buzzing sound emanates.)
KRAMER,"No Jerry! I - I need that chicken, I gotta have that chicken. Now you leave those roasters alone. Kenny never hurt anybody.",JERRY,You got a little problem.
GEORGE,That damn delicatessen that - that is last time they screw up one of my orders.,JERRY,Hey Seth. Man it is coming down hard out there.
KRAMER,(quietly and staring across the street) Kenny .... Kenny ....... Kenny,JERRY,Home at last. Ahhhh. (light turns off)
GEORGE,"Say you, me, and Kramer are, uh, flying over the Andes.",JERRY,Why are we flyin' over the Andes?
GEORGE,"We got a soccer game in Chile. Anyway, the plane crashes. Who are you gonna eat to survive?",JERRY,Kramer.
GEORGE,So fast? What about me?,JERRY,No.
GEORGE,"Kramer's so stringy. I'm plump, juicy.",JERRY,"Kramer's got more muscle, higher protein content. It's better for you."
GEORGE,Well I would eat you.,JERRY,"That's very nice, I guess."
GEORGE,I still don't see why you wouldn't eat me. I'm your best friend.,JERRY,"Look, if other people are having some, I'll try you."
GEORGE,Thank you.,JERRY,Can I have a piece of that?
LOUISE,How long is this not gonna be a problem for me?,JERRY,Six weeks?
GEORGE,"Yeah, six weeks.",JERRY,"Well, so what? you've gone six weeks before."
GEORGE,I can do six weeks standin' on my head. I'm a sexual camel. That's not the point. At least there was the possibility.,JERRY,"Well, so, are you gonna break up with her?"
GEORGE,I don't know. I don't wanna be one of those guys.,JERRY,What guys?
GEORGE,Like us. (Elaine enters),JERRY,Yeah.
ELAINE,"Mono? Huh, well, if anyone needs any medical advise, Elaine met a doctor. And he's unattached.",JERRY,I thought the whole dream of dating a doctor was debunked.
ELAINE,"No, it's not debunked, it's totally bunk.",JERRY,"Isn't bunk bad? Like, that's a lot of bunk."
GEORGE,No something is bunk and then you debunk it.,JERRY,What?
ELAINE,"Look it, I'm dating a doctor and I like it. Let's just move on. (Phone rings)",JERRY,Hello?
KATIE,Jerry.,JERRY,"Oh hi, Katie."
KATIE,"Listen, something just came up for Tuesday at the Dayton Civic Center. That's Ohio, Jerry.",JERRY,"I've heard of Ohio, Katie. But Tuesday's no good. I'm doin' career day at my old junior high."
KATIE,"Okay, Jerry. that's fine. you're the boss. Katie works for Jerry.",JERRY,"Yes, all right, Katie."
KATIE,Sorry for the late notice.,JERRY,"Yes, bye."
GEORGE,They asked you to do career day?,JERRY,"Yeah, it's no big deal."
GEORGE,"Oh with all due respect, I went there too, and I work for a team that just won the World Series.",JERRY,And you were integral.
TEACHER,"Jerry, it was so nice of you to come down here.",JERRY,"I'm on next, right?"
TEACHER,"Well, unfortunately, Mr. O'Meary from the Bronx zoo...",JERRY,The guy with the lizard.
TEACHER,So can you come back tomorrow?,JERRY,I'm getting bumped? You're bumping me from career day?
GEORGE,"It was fantastic, Jerry. We wound up talking all night.",JERRY,So you're enjoying the not enjoying.
GEORGE,"you know, just by conversing, you can really learn a lot about a person.",JERRY,I'm finding that out. (Kramer enters)
KRAMER,"Hey, buddy. How was career day?",JERRY,"Ah, I didn't get on. The lizard guy went long."
GEORGE,You got bumped from career day?,JERRY,"It was a mix-up, I'm sure."
KRAMER,They're trying to screw with your head.,JERRY,Now why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?
LARRY,"It bothers people, and it's against the law.",JERRY,"You can make all the laws you want, he's still gonna bother people."
TEACHER,"Thanks so much for coming back, Jerry. Care for a graham cracker?",JERRY,"No, let's just do it. (Fire alarm goes off) What? What is going on? What is that about?"
TEACHER,Fire drill. Sorry. Single file everyone!,JERRY,But I was promised this slot.
TEACHER,"Single file, Jerry. (Jerry joins the line)",JERRY,"Fire drill, can you believe that?"
ALEX TREBEK,Pericles is correct.,JERRY,Like fire in a school is such a big deal. (Kramer enters)
KRAMER,"Hey, you got any matches?",JERRY,Middle drawer.
KRAMER,"Thanks. (Kramer leaves, phone rings)",JERRY,Hello?
KATIE,I heard what happened to the junior high. They can't bump you like that. That is so unprofessional.,JERRY,"Oh relax, Katie. It's not a problem."
KRAMER,Ashtrays?,JERRY,"No, I don't have any ashtrays."
KATIE,"Jerry, now don't freak out, I'll take care of it.",JERRY,"No, Katie, don't-- (He hangs up phone)"
ALEX TREBEK,"We were looking for 'What is Tungsten, or Wolfram'.",JERRY,Is this a repeat?
GEORGE,"No, no, no. Just lately, I've been thinking a lot clearer. Like this afternoon, (To television) what is chicken Kiev, (Back to Jerry) I really enjoyed watching a documentary with Louise.",JERRY,"Louise! That's what's doin' it. You're no longer pre-occupied with sex, so your mind is able to focus."
GEORGE,You think?,JERRY,"Yeah. I mean, let's say this is your brain. (Holds lettuce head) Okay, from what I know about you, your brain consists of two parts the intellect, represented here (Pulls off tiny piece of lettuce), and the part obsessed with sex. (Shows large piece) Now granted, you have extracted an astonishing amount from this little scrap. But with no-sex-Louise, this previously useless lump, is now functioning for the first time in its existence. (Eats tiny piece of lettuce)"
KRAMER,Need some more matches.,JERRY,What is goin' on in there?
KRAMER,"I met some people smoking on the street, so I invited them up to my apartment to smoke.",JERRY,Why?
KRAMER,"Well somebody had to. You know, just because a person's a smoker, that doesn't mean he's not a human being.",JERRY,It doesn't?
KRAMER,"Well you can confine them, you can punish them, you can cram them into the corner, but they're not going away, Jerry.",JERRY,All right.
KRAMER,"All right, I'll see ya Bill. All right, I got room for two, but the only thing I have is in the non-filter section. (Jerry enters) Hey.",JERRY,"Hey. Wh-What'd you got, a smoker's lounge in there?"
KATIE,"Jerry, oh there you are. You didn't answer the phone.",JERRY,I was out.
KATIE,"Oh. Jerry, great news. I got you an assembly.",JERRY,An assembly?
KATIE,"Two hours in front of the entire junior high, grades six through eight. That's six grade, seventh grade--",JERRY,I understand. But what am I gonna talk about for two hours?
KATIE,"And, it is already in the school paper. They cancelled Rick James.",JERRY,Superfreak?
GEORGE,In six games.,JERRY,"...so if you like to tell jokes, and love to make people laugh, stand-up comedy may be the career for you."
GEORGE,Nine minutes.,JERRY,How am I gonna fill two hours?
GEORGE,Hello? I can take an hour off your hands. Give the kids a chance to see a real live Yankee.,JERRY,And give you the chance to see some real disappointed kids. (Waitress comes to table)
ELAINE,How come he's gettin' so smart? I stopped having sex with Ben three days ago and I don't know no Portuguese?,JERRY,Are you all right?
ELAINE,"I don't know. It's just the last coupla days my mind has been, not good.",JERRY,"Wait a second, I know what's happening. The no sex thing is having a reverse effect on you."
ELAINE,What? What are you talking about?,JERRY,"To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up. But now, it's like a garbage strike. The bags are piling up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting through. You're stupid."
ELAINE,I don't understand.,JERRY,Exactly.
KRAMER,"Hey, you should come over. Tonight's pipe night.",JERRY,What? What happened to your face? It looks like an old catcher's mitt.
KRAMER,"What? (Kramer checks it out.) My face is all craggly, it's crinkly.",JERRY,It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect?
KRAMER,"Emphysema, birth defects, cancer. But not this. Jerry, my face is my livelihood. Everything I have I owe to this face.",JERRY,"And your teeth, your teeth are all brown."
LOUISE,"So the hospital called, turns out some stupid intern screwed up my test. I never had mono. So we can... you know.",JERRY,So what did you do?
GEORGE,I told her I would have to think about it.,JERRY,"But ultimately, you're gonna choose in favor of sex, right?"
GEORGE,I don't know. Perhaps I can better serve the world this way.,JERRY,"You mean, not subjecting yourself to your sexual advances."
GEORGE,Simple joke from a simple man.,JERRY,So you're never gonna have sex again?
GEORGE,"Well, Jerry. There was a pretty good chance I was never gonna have sex again anyway.",JERRY,So you ready for the assembly tomorrow? You know what you're gonna say about the Yankees?
GEORGE,"Oh, sports are so pedestrian. I've prepared some science experiments that will illuminate the mind and dazzle the eye.",JERRY,I wrote a 20 minute bit about how homework stinks.
JACKIE,Your face is my case.,JERRY,How ya doin'?
ELAINE,Not good. I'm a moron.,JERRY,"Well, don't worry about it. Once he passes the test, you'll have sex again, and you'll be fine."
ELAINE,"Well, that kinda brings us to why I'm here. You got eleven minutes?",JERRY,What for? Oh come on.
ELAINE,I just wanna clear my head. It has nothing to do with you.,JERRY,I think it has something to do with me.
ELAINE,You could read the paper through the whole thing if you want.,JERRY,"(thinks about it for a second as to reconsider) No, no, no. I'm sorry, it's too weird."
GEORGE,Hey.,JERRY,"Where have you been? You know, you're on next."
GEORGE,I got lost on the way over.,JERRY,Got lost? We went to school here for three years.
GEORGE,What are these? (Holds test tubes to his head like antennae) Take me to your leader.,JERRY,Oh my God. You had sex. You had sex with Louise!
GEORGE,"No, the Portuguese waitress.",JERRY,The Portuguese waitress?
GEORGE,"No, no. I'm not going on.",JERRY,Then what'd you come down here for?
GEORGE,Tell you about the Portuguese waitress.,JERRY,It's good to have you back.
KATIE,One of you has to go on.,JERRY,"All right, I'll do it. (Goes on stage) Hey kids. What's the deal with homework? you're not working on your home! (Audience boos)"
JACKIE,This is the most public yet of my many humiliations.,JERRY,Cancelled? But I was supposed to be on tomorrow night.
LETTERMAN,"Yeah, but then, you know, some people were telling me about that little flap out there at the junior high assembly. And before that, you were bumped by a lizard?",JERRY,"Actually, it was a ********."
LETTERMAN,"those things, deadly dangerous. A long time ago my uncle and a date are driving, like, through Mexico. They see one on the road, drags him out of the road, and chews his face off. Listen, we'll call you if anything opens up. Okay, Jimmy?",JERRY,Jerry.
GEORGE,Jerry! (Slams the door) Georgie's moving out!,JERRY,(Gets up) Get out!
GEORGE,"I'm out! Fantastic apartment right across from mine, huh. I can't wait for you to see it.",JERRY,(Looks around his apartment) Is it better than mine?
GEORGE,(Definite) Oh yeah.,JERRY,"So, it's a two-bedroom-one-bath-make-your-friends-hate-ya?"
GEORGE,"You know what? it's better than Elaine's, too. I gotta give her a call. (Moves tward the phone)",JERRY,She's out.
GEORGE,"(Stops) Oh right, the blind date.",JERRY,"Yeah, well, they like to call it a set-up now. I guess the blind people don't like being associated with all those losers."
GEORGE,Come on. Come check out my new place. It'll take you two minutes.,JERRY,I can't. I'm meeting Kramer down at my mini-storage.
GEORGE,"(Gloating) Hey, you got any extra furniture down there? I need some more stuff to fill that extra bedroom with the walk-in closet. (Smiles)",JERRY,"(Grabs his coat) Oh, this is really annoying."
[Setting,Manhattan Mini-storage],JERRY,(Disgusted) What is with that?!
KRAMER,"Well, it's coughing, Jerry. It expells the diseased germs out of the body, into the air. (Makes a guesture of germs being in the air)",JERRY,(Takes out his key to unlock the unit door) Where is your key?
KRAMER,"Yeah, well, uh, Newman. He's - he's got it.",JERRY,"You know, Kramer, I rented out half of my space to you."
KRAMER,"Yeah, and I rented out half that space to Newman. (Starts coughing again)",JERRY,(Picks one up) Mail bags? He's storing mail in here?
[Setting,Jerry's apartment],JERRY,(Talking to Elaine) You ate more bread?
ELAINE,That is not the point! The guy was stabbed!,JERRY,Did you find out who stabbed him?
ELAINE,"Yeah, (Nodding) It turns out it was his ex-girlfriend.",JERRY,"(Like a father) Well, you're not going near this hooligan anymore."
ELAINE,"Well, I don't know.. I mean, think about it, Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can arouse that kind of passion. (Obviously turned on by the stabbing) I mean, to be stab-worthy.. You know, it's.. kind of a compliment.",JERRY,"(Sarcastic) Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. He could have been the one."
KRAMER,"Ehh.. (Picks up a carton of food) No expiration date on this.. (Opens it, then starts coughing directly onto the food)",JERRY,"There is now. Kramer, you should really get that cough checked out by a doctor."
KRAMER,"(Shrugging it off) Nah, no, no, no. No doctors for me. A bunch of lackeys and yes-men all towing the company line.. (Looks at Jerry, then leans in so Elaine can't hear) Plus, the botched my vasectimy.",JERRY,(In awe. Whispering) The botched it?
GEORGE,Hey.,JERRY,Hey. How's the new place?!
ELAINE,Andrea Doria? Isn't that the one they did the song about?,JERRY,(Correcting her) Edmund Fitzgerald.
ELANE,I love Edmund Fitzgerald's voice.,JERRY,"(Gives Elaine a look) No, Gordon Lightfoot was the singer. Edmund Fitzgerald was the ship."
ELAINE,I think Gordon Lightfoot was the boat.,JERRY,"(Sarcastic) Yeah, and it was rammed by the Cat Stevens."
KRAMER,"Oh yeah. I also got ""Astounding Bear Attacks""",JERRY,"Hey, uh, before you go, did you talk to Newman about getting that mail outta there?"
[Setting,Newman's apartment],JERRY,Newman?
NEWMAN,(Eyes glued to the TV) I guess.,JERRY,"Listen, I want you to get the mail outta my storage unit."
NEWMAN,Sometimes we don't get what we want.,JERRY,(Confused) What are you talking about?
NEWMAN,I didn't get my transfer.,JERRY,"""Transfer""?"
NEWMAN,"To Hawaii. The most sought-after postal route of them all. The air is so dewy-sweet you don't even have to like the stamps.. But it's not to be - So, I'm hanging it up.",JERRY,You quit the post office?
NEWMAN,"Kind of. I'm still collecting checks, I'm just not delivering mail.",JERRY,"Well, get it out of my storage. It's illegal."
NEWMAN,"And yet, it's perfectly legal to take a man's soul and crush it out like a stale Pall Mall.",JERRY,"(Cheerfully) Well, a law's a law. (Leaves)"
[Setting,Coffee shop],JERRY,There was another crazed ex-girlfriend?
ELAINE,"Right, so, I called my friend, you know - the one who set us up - I found out, he's a bad-breaker-upper.",JERRY,Mmm.. Bad how?
ELAINE,"(Fast) Well, you know when you break up, how you say things you don't mean? Well, he says the mean things you don't mean, but he means them.",JERRY,(Nods) I follow. So what are you gonna do?
ELAINE,"Dump him. I can't be with someone who doesn't break up nicely. I mean, to me, that's one of the most important parts of a relationship.",JERRY,(Agreeing) What's more important?
GEORGE,"So, he's keeping the apartment. He doesn't deserve it, though! Even if he did suffer, that was, like, 40 years ago! What has he been doing lately?! I've been suffering for the past 30 years up to and including yesterday!",JERRY,"You know, if this tenant board is so impressed with suffering, maybe you should tell them the ""Astonishing Tales of Costanza""."
GEORGE,(Interested) I should!,JERRY,"I mean, your body of work in this field is unparalleled."
GEORGE,I could go bumper to bumper with any one else on this planet!,JERRY,You're the man!
NEWMAN,Jerry!,JERRY,"I'm with people, I'll be with you in a moment. (Slams the door on Newman's face. Then tries to delay talking to Newman by keeping the conversation with George going) So, you want a protein shake, or something?"
GEORGE,"Nah, I guess I should really get moving on this, huh? I'm gonna go. (Opens the door, letting Newman in. Leaves)",JERRY,(Angered) Hello.. Newman.
NEWMAN,"(Urgent) I need that mail, where is it?!",JERRY,What's the difference?
NEWMAN,The guy who had the Hawaii transfer got busted for hoarding Victoria Secret catalogues. I gotta deliver that mail!,JERRY,"Well, go ahead. There's 8 bags of it."
NEWMAN,"Blast! There's no way I can handle 8 in addition to my ususal load of one! I'll never get to Hawaii! (Moves over to Jerry's couch, depressed) I'll be stuck in this apartment building forever! (Lays down on Jerry's couch) The dream is dead.",JERRY,You're giving up that easy?
NEWMAN,I usually do. (Gets up to leave) See ya.,JERRY,"(Stopping him) No, wait a minute, Newman! You can't let this dream die. You moving away is my dream too!"
NEWMAN,(Intrigued) What are you proposing?,JERRY,"(Fast) Whatever it takes, for as long as it takes me, where ever it takes me as long as it takes you away from me!"
NEWMAN,An alliance?,JERRY,(Confirming) An alliance. (They both shake hands and laugh evily) Now get the hell outta here. (Newman leaves)
ELAINE,Hawaii? That's why you're helping Newman with the mail?,JERRY,"(Like an Army general) Elaine, Newman is my sworn enemy. And he lives down the hall from my home - my home, Elaine! Where I sleep, where I come to play with my toys."
ELAINE,"Well, anyway, get this I spoke to Alan. You know, I told him I didn't want to see him anymore.. He called me ""big head"".",JERRY,"""Big head"" (Scoffs) That's almost a compliment."
ELAINE,(Agreeing) It's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me.,JERRY,Hello?
GEORGE,(On the other line) Hey.,JERRY,"Hey, George."
GEORGE,"Yeah, listen, I can't make it later.",JERRY,You can't make it?
GEORGE,"Yeah, the tenant association has decided to hear my side of the story. So, uh, I gotta kinda get ready. I'll see ya.",JERRY,Alright. (Hangs up)
ELAINE,Is he not gonna go to the coffee shop?,JERRY,(Saddened) Doesn't look like it's gonna happen.
ELAINE,"(Gives a ""That's a shame"" face) Alright, well, I'll see ya. (Opens the door to exit. Kramer enters coughing. Elaine does her best to dodge out of the way of Kramer's coughs, then walks off)",JERRY,"Kramer, aren't you taking any medication for that?"
KRAMER,"Yeah, yeah. (Pulls a bottle out of his pocket) I got some pilss. They taste terrible.",JERRY,(Takes the bottle from him) Just swallow 'em.
KRAMER,"(Gestures to his throat) No, my throat's too tender.",JERRY,"Alright, sit down, sit down. (Grabs a pill from the bottle, and starts advancing tward Kramer - like an owner with his dog)"
KRAMER,I don't want to!,JERRY,C'mon. Just sit down!
KRAMER,(Squirming) Jerry! What?!,JERRY,Sit down! Sit down!
KRAMER,(Struggling) Hey!,JERRY,Lean your head back. Open your mouth! (Grabs Kramer's head) Open your mouth! Open it! Open it!
KRAMER,Whe have the same symptoms.,JERRY,"But, he's a dog! You need to see a real doctor."
KRAMER,"No, no. No doctors.",JERRY,"Alright.. (Heads for the door, grabbing his coat)"
KRAMER,Where are you going?,JERRY,I'm taking the car. I gotta run some errands. You want to go?
KRAMER,I don't know..,JERRY,"(Opens the door) C'mon, you wanna go for a ride? (Starts jiggling his keys - as if he's calling out for a dog) Huh? C'mon! C'mon!"
[Setting,NYC Street],JERRY,"Kramer, outta the car. Out, now!"
KRAMER,"No, Jerry!",JERRY,"Alright, that's it.. (Grabs Kramer, trying to pull him out of the car)"
KRAMER,No! Don't!,JERRY,"Hey, hey! Get back over here! Kramer! Get over here! You are bad! Bad neighbor! Kramer!"
[Setting,Newman's apartment],JERRY,"Newman, how'd it go? Did you get it all delivered? (Sees the pac) What happened?"
NEWMAN,Kramer bit me!,JERRY,Bit you?!
NEWMAN,"We had an arguement about me going to Hawaii, and he locked onto my ankle like it was a soup bone. I'm hubbled! I don't think I can do my route - and they're awarding the transfer in two days!",JERRY,"(Bravely) Well, what if I deliver it?"
NEWMAN,You?! (Laughs hysterically) You can't deliver mail!,JERRY,"Well, why not?"
NEWMAN,(Thinks for a moment) I guess you're right. It's just walking around putting it into boxes..,JERRY,What am I gonna wear?
NEWMAN,I could give you my uniform from my rookie year.,JERRY,(Excited) I can't believe I'm gonna be a mailman!
OWNER,Mail on Sunday?,JERRY,"(Shrugs) Oops. (Continues walking along the route, whistling. Hands a newspaper to a homeless bum on the street, then keeps walking)"
[Setting,Newman's apartment],JERRY,"Hey, I've been trying to jam stuff in the box, like you told me, but sometimes it says, like, ""Photographs - Do not bend""."
NEWMAN,"""Do not bend"". (Laughs evilly) Just crease, crumple, cram.. you'll do fine. (Phone rings. Newman answers it) Hello?.. This is he. I don't understand.. very well. (Hangs up in disappointment)",JERRY,What?
NEWMAN,That was the Vice President of the post office. I didn't get the transfer.. They knew it wasn't me doing my route!,JERRY,How did they know?!
NEWMAN,(Stands up) Too many people go their mail! Close to 80%. No body from the post office has ever cracked the 50% barrier! It's like the 3-minute mile!,JERRY,(Pleading) I tried my best!
NEWMAN,Exactly. You're a disgrace to the uniform. (Newman takes off Jerry's mailman hat. Jerry turns his head in shame. Newman then tears the post office badge from Jerry's coat),JERRY,"You know, this is your coat."
GEORGE,"It's not contest. The guy had nothing! The ship went down, he got into a life boat, I mean, come on.",JERRY,"Boy, he didn't know what he was up against. (George laughs) So, when do you move into the apartment?"
GEORGE,They're making their decision today.,JERRY,What's the matter with you?
ELAINE,Nothing.. Except that a bird ran into my giant freak-head. (Sits down),JERRY,What giant freak-head?
ELAINE,"(Annoyed, near tears) The one that sits atop my disproportunately puny body.. I'm a walking candy apple!",JERRY,"So, it's actually gotten to you? You're playing right into his hands!"
ELAINE,"(Realizing) What? Yeah.. you're right!.. All I have to do is call him up, and sit with him, and show him that it doesn't bother me. You know, laugh it off.. or jam a fork into his forehead.",JERRY,"(Casually, sarcastic) Either way."
ALAN,"Tough luck, chinless. (Goes into his new apartment, and slams the door on George)",JERRY,"So what happened to you yesterday? We were supposed to go to the auto show, I waited for you, you never came."
ELAINE,"I'm sorry, I got really busy. How long did you wait?",JERRY,Five minutes.
ELAINE,Five minutes? That's it?,JERRY,What's the difference? You never showed up.
ELAINE,"I could've! I mean, last week we waited for that friend of Kramer's for like, forty minutes.",JERRY,"Well, we barely knew the guy."
ELAINE,"So, the longer you know someone, the shorter you wait for 'em.",JERRY,That's the way it works.
ELAINE,When did you tell George to be here?,JERRY,I told him to meet us here in ten minutes. How long has it been?
ELAINE,About five.,JERRY,That's enough. (They leave. George comes around the corner.)
KRAMER,"So, I noticed you bounced a check at the bodega.",JERRY,How did you know about that?
KRAMER,"Because Marcelino, he taped it up on his cash register with all the other bad checks.",JERRY,He can't do that.
GEORGE,Fantastic day! Fantastic!,JERRY,What happened?
GEORGE,"(laughs - hehe) Well, first, I'm brushing my teeth and this piece of apple-skin, that must have been lodged in there for days, comes loose.",JERRY,Fantastic.
GEORGE,"Then, I'm at The Foundation...",JERRY,You're still doing that?
GEORGE,"Sometimes, once in a while.",JERRY,When you feel guilty.
GEORGE,Yeah-hah!,JERRY,What are you gonna do there?
GEORGE,"Nothing really, you know...just eh, stroll around the cell blocks, maybe eh, take in a shower fight. (chuckles.) Hey eh, you know you got a bounced check hanging up in the little market over on Columbus?",JERRY,"Yes, I know, I know."
GEORGE,"I noticed you eh, chose the eh ""clowns with balloons"" check design.",JERRY,"It was a mistake, the bank sent me the wrong ones."
ELAINE (sitting down),"I'm a ""honey."" He's pretty great, huh?",JERRY,Is he from the future?
"Check #1246, dated Dec. 15 ‘96, Made out to",Columbus Deli for $40.00,JERRY,"Again, I'm really sorry about the check, Marcelino."
MARCELINO,"Sorry, no. It's store policy.",JERRY,But it's your bodega.
GEORGE,Oh my God...You're in jail? (Celia nods.) That is so cool!,JERRY,You asked her out?
GEORGE,"Well...not ""out."" She's a prisoner.",JERRY,How could you ask her out?
GEORGE,Why not?,JERRY,I remember when you wouldn't date that girl who lived in Queens because you didn't want to go over the bridge!
GEORGE,That was different!,JERRY,I'll say.
GEORGE,"Yeah, no pop-in, no ""in the neighborhood,"" no ""I saw your light was on."" And the best part is, if things go really well...",JERRY,Conjugal visit?
KRAMER,What's up?,JERRY,George is dating a convict.
KRAMER (approvingly),"Sounds like a nice girl. Hey Jerry, is it all right if I put some stuff in your fridge? 'Cause mine's full.",JERRY,"Yeah, sure. You don't even have a fridge, do you?"
KRAMER,Okay (lifting the bag and carrying it into the apt.),JERRY,"Kramer, Kramer, wait a minute, what the hell is that?"
KRAMER,"Well, it's chicken feed. (Slams the bag into Jerry's fridge.)",JERRY,I sense something is afoot.
KRAMER,"Cage-free, farm-fresh eggs.",JERRY,"Allow me. What are you, an idiot?"
ELAINE,Are you saying that I could be dating this hair? I mean wi..with you under it? (Kurt shrugs.),JERRY,(sits up in bed) Oh what...
KRAMER,Hey.,JERRY,"Is that your ""chicken"" making all that noise?"
KRAMER,"Oh, Jerry loves the morning.",JERRY,Who?
KRAMER,Little Jerry Seinfeld. I named my chicken after you.,JERRY,"Thanks, that's very sweet, but that is not, a chicken."
KRAMER,Of course it is. I picked it out myself.,JERRY,"Well, you picked out a rooster."
CELIA,Hmm,JERRY,Hello?
HELEN (in Florida with Morty),Jerry? Leo told us he saw your bounced check. Are you having money problems?,JERRY,I'm not having money problems.
MORTY,He never even called Ed Roydlick. They were looking for someone!,JERRY,I'm not calling Ed Roydlick. I'm doing fine!
HELEN,That's it. I'm gonna to send you fifty dollars.,JERRY,You are NOT sending me fifty dollars!
HELEN,"They're right in front of you! Oh, for heaven's sakes... (She puts the phone down on the couch and goes to help Morty.) Show you...",JERRY,"Ma! Ma! MAAA! (Hangs up the phone in disgust.) Oh, ahhhh (sighs quietly)"
GEORGE,How're the folks?,JERRY,Good.
GEORGE,So? Movie tonight?,JERRY,I thought you were going out with Celia?
GEORGE,"I did. I'm back. I love this relationship, I feel so liberated!",JERRY,Having her in jail.
GEORGE,The only thing that bothers me is that I'm just coming up with this now.,JERRY,"Yeah, dating a convicted felon. I don't know how you missed it."
ELAINE,Here. (Shows Kurt's driver's license to Jerry.) Take a look at that.,JERRY,Huh. Kurt's an organ donor.
ELAINE,No! He's not bald. Look! He's got a full head of hair.,JERRY,So he just shaves his head for no reason?
ELAINE,And he's growing it in just for me. (Happily) It's mine. It's all mine. (clutches the photo between her hands and to her chest then looks at it again),JERRY,It's just hair.
ELAINE,It's not just hair! Look!,JERRY,It's brown.
ELAINE,It's chestnut with auburn highlights!,JERRY,So?
GEORGE,Parole! (Feigning joy) That's dynamite!,JERRY,So Marcelino's going to take down the check?
KRAMER,"Yeah, Well, it comes down if Little Jerry Seinfeld wins the cockfight.",JERRY,Great! (realizing) What?
KRAMER,"Well, Marcelino, he has cockfights in the back of his store.",JERRY,Ah ha...
KRAMER,"Yeah, so he says if Little Jerry Seinfeld wins, the check comes down.",JERRY,"Kramer, cockfighting is illegal."
KRAMER,Only in The United States.,JERRY,It's inhumane!
KRAMER,"No, Jerry, it's not what you think it is.",JERRY,It's two roosters peckin' at each other!
KRAMER,What?,JERRY,Yeah!
KRAMER,"Well, I thought they wore gloves and helmets, you know, like ""American Gladiators.""",JERRY,"No Kramer, Little Jerry could get hurt."
KRAMER,My Little Jerry! (Runs out.),JERRY,"Hey, did you get Little Jerry, is he O.K.?"
KRAMER,"Oh well, he's more than O.K., he won!",JERRY,You let him fight?
KRAMER,"Yeah, well I couldn't get there in time to stop it, but you should have seen Little Jerry, Jerry! Flappin' his wings and struttin' his stuff! He was peckin' and weavin' and bobbin' and talkin' trash! He didn't even have to touch him! The other rooster ran out of the ring. The whole fight lasted two seconds.",JERRY,How long do they usually last?
KRAMER,Five seconds. And Marcelino says he's taking your check down today.,JERRY,Great!
KRAMER,Who?,JERRY,I'm too tired.
KRAMER (to Jerry),"O.K., listen, I want you to come by later, alright? 'Cause we're having a victory party for Little Jerry.",JERRY,O.K. (Kramer leaves.)
GEORGE (sadly),"It's over, Jerry. She's gettin' out.",JERRY,"Ah, I'm so sorry."
GEORGE,She's been locked up for two years. She's gonna want to make up for lost time. Dinners. Movies. (Rubs his forehead.) Talking...,JERRY,"In other words, a normal relationship."
GEORGE,"Heh, haa. And that's no good. I've tried it straight, Jerry. We've all seen the results. For me, sick is the only way to go.",JERRY,"Well, she'll still be an ex-con."
GEORGE,It's not the same.,JERRY,"Hey, if you two are meant to be together...I'm sure the cops'll pick her up on something."
MARCELINO,Jerry! You missed a hell of a cockfight last night.,JERRY,Then what is my check still doing up? We had a deal!
MARCELINO,Now we have a new deal.,JERRY,New deal?
MARCELINO,"When Little Jerry Seinfeld is mine, the check will be yours.",JERRY,This is Outrageous! (To Marcelino) Pack of Juicy Fruit.
MARCELINO (tosses the gum on the counter),85 cents.,JERRY,85 cents? That is Outrageous!
KRAMER,"Well, that's out of the question.",JERRY,"But Kramer, cockfighting is an illegal and immoral activity."
KRAMER,"Yeah, if you got a loser. But Little Jerry was born to cockfight!",JERRY,"No, no more cockfighting. Let's just sell him to Marcelino the cockfighter and be done with it!"
KRAMER,"You know, I think you're jealous.",JERRY,Of what?
KRAMER (points at Jerry like he's found him out),"Yah, yah! You see in Little Jerry Seinfeld the unlimited future you once had. Now, just because Jerry Seinfeld is a has-been, don't make Little Jerry Seinfeld a never-was!",JERRY,"Kramer, give me that rooster!"
MARCELINO,Jerry! Tomorrow night's fight-night. Where's my rooster?,JERRY,Kramer won't sell.
MARCELINO,"Well, tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna take down your check anyway.",JERRY,"Oh well, thank you, Marcelino."
MARCELINO,"Well, perhaps someday you will do me a favor. And that day is today. Little Jerry Seinfeld must go down in the third round of tomorrow's main event.",JERRY,You want Little Jerry to take a dive?
MARCELINO,"Shhh, not so loud.",JERRY,"First of all, I don't think you can make a rooster take a dive."
MARCELINO,"Can, too!",JERRY,"Second of all, Jerry Seinfeld - big or little - doesn't go down for anyone, anywhere, at anytime! Now I'd appreciate it if you please leave."
MARCELINO (leaving),"Big Jerry is making a big mistake, Jerry.",JERRY,"We'll see about that. (Runs to the window and shouts up to Kramer, who's on the roof.) Kramer, I'm comin' up! We got a cockfight to win!"
KRAMER,"Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Boy he's lookin' good, huh Jerry?",JERRY,"Yeah. Alright, I think that's enough for today. (Kramer picks up Little Jerry and takes him to the sink.) Little Jerry is lean, mean, peckin' machine! (Kramer starts filling a pot with water.) What are you doing with that?"
KRAMER,I'm just gonna heat this up. Make a little hot-tub for Little Jerry.,JERRY,"Hey, Kramer...?"
GEORGE,Hey.,JERRY,"Hey, guess what! Little Jerry ran from here to Newman's in under thirty seconds!"
GEORGE,Is that good?,JERRY,I don't know. Where have you been?
GEORGE,"Celia broke out of prison. I'm sitting in my home, she shows up at the door!",JERRY,Oh my God! The break-out/pop-in!
ELAINE,"Well, it'll be a couple of years before he's completely bald. Those'll be good times.",JERRY,"Marriage is a big step, Elaine. Your life'll totally change."
GEORGE,"Oh, hey, sorry I'm late.",JERRY,Hey.
GEORGE,Sorry I'm late.,JERRY,Where's Celia?
GEORGE,"She didn't want to come, she-she's not really into sports.",JERRY,hmm. (nodding head)
KRAMER,There's Marcelino. (Marcelino enters the ring holding a huge white rooster.),JERRY,Look at the size of his bird!
ELAINE (to a woman at the fight),"Muchos gracias. (Turns back to Jerry and Kramer.) O.K., I got the whole scoop. Marcelino flew the bird in from Ecuador. He's 68 and 0!",JERRY,He's a ringer!
KRAMER (lunging for Little Jerry),Lit _ tle Jer _ ry!,JERRY,Kra _ mer!
HELEN,"Jerry, we can only stay four days.",JERRY,"Well, I'm upset, but we'll make the most of it."
MORTY,"Only twenty-five minutes a day, and you can attach it to any doorknob.",JERRY,"Huh. So, I guess your travel miles are about to expire."
HELEN,"Well, actually, Jerry, we wanted to talk to you about something.",JERRY,Am I finally getting a baby brother?
MORTY,How would you feel if we sold the Cadillac?,JERRY,What? The Cadillac I bought for you?
MORTY,"It's too much car, Jerry.",JERRY,"Aw, c'mon, you love that car. What about the Northstar system?"
MORTY,I don't think we even use it.,JERRY,"Well, it's a gift and I want you to keep it."
HELEN,We already sold it.,JERRY,Wh..why didn't you tell me before you sold it?
HELEN,"Well, we could, but we wanted the bulkhead.",JERRY,(exasperated) Ugh.
KRAMER,"(to Jerry) Man, that Emily is wearing me out.",JERRY,Kramer.
MORTY,Hiya Kramer.,JERRY,We're in the middle of a discussion here.
MORTY,Jack Klompus gave us six grand.,JERRY,You sold my Cadillac to Jack Klompus?
MORTY,(trying to press the cheque on Jerry) And we want you to have the money.,JERRY,(getting worked up) I don't need the money.
MORTY,What're you talking about? You had a cheque bounce at the bodega.,JERRY,"(animated) Oh, is that what this is all about?! I bounce a cheque and you sold a Cadillac?!"
HELEN,"Jerry, you know, I hear wonderful things about Bloomingdales' executive training program.",JERRY,(sits on the back of the couch) Oh my god.
ELAINE,"Just, very interesting.",JERRY,"Yeah, when it's your money, it's fascinating."
ELAINE,"(looks for George) Mmm. (can't see him) Oh, um, I got it.",JERRY,That Arabian is strong coffee.
GEORGE,You see what just happened here?,JERRY,What?
GEORGE,She treated me to the Arabian mocha java.,JERRY,And you misinterpret this how?
GEORGE,She's stickin' it to me that she makes more money than me.,JERRY,"I'm sure she was just being nice, buying you the coffee."
GEORGE,"No, not nice. She's stickin' it to me.",JERRY,You're crazy.
GEORGE,"(worked up) Stickin' it to me, Jerry.",JERRY,George.
GEORGE,So you're buying the car back for your parents?,JERRY,I'm flying down to Florida tomorrow.
GEORGE,Your parents'll never let you do it.,JERRY,They lied to me about selling the car. I'll lie to them about buying it back. They think they can dump six grand on me? Think again.
GEORGE,What kind of money you think your parents have?,JERRY,Excuse me?
GEORGE,I bet they have more money than mine.,JERRY,"Come on, your parents have money."
GEORGE,You think?,JERRY,When did they ever spend any money?
GEORGE,Never.,JERRY,What are their living expenses?
GEORGE,Nothing.,JERRY,Where do they ever go on vacation?
GEORGE,How much money d'you think they have?,JERRY,Few hundred grand?
GEORGE,"(excited) You're saying I stand to inherit three hundred thousand dollars, is that what you're saying?!",JERRY,Course you may not see it for twenty years.
GEORGE,Twenty years? That long?,JERRY,Does your father still eat bacon and eggs every day?
GEORGE,"Fortunately, yes.",JERRY,How's your family history?
GEORGE,I have an aunt that died at seven.,JERRY,Really?
ELAINE,(impatient) Get out!,JERRY,"So listen, I gotta go down to Atlantic City. I'm performing at Bally's."
MORTY,You just heard about this today?,JERRY,(pulling on a jacket) They had a cancellation and they instantly called me.
HELEN,Who cancelled?,JERRY,"Carrot Top. I told you, my career's fine."
JACK,"So, to what do I owe the pleasure of this, unannounced, visit?",JERRY,I wanna buy back the Cadillac.
JACK,I'm kidding.,JERRY,"(reaching into his pocket) Alright, I'll give you nine thousand for it."
JACK,Nine thousand for a Cadillac? It's got no miles on it.,JERRY,You bought it for six!
JACK,You're not me.,JERRY,(standing) How much d'you want for it?
JACK,The Kelly blue book value. Twenty-two thousand dollars.,JERRY,Fourteen thousand.
GEORGE,"Hey look, he's back.",JERRY,"I got your message, (sitting) so I came straight from Atlantic City."
HELEN,"Jerry, Kramer called Bally's. You weren't registered.",JERRY,"(extemporising) Well, I can't stay under my own name. I was registered under Slappy White."
KRAMER,"(abruptly) Well, I'll see you.",JERRY,Hello.
JACK,I'm down here in alligator alley. You better get down here.,JERRY,(quiet) Huh. Alright.
HELEN,Who was that?,JERRY,"(extemporising) That was the Golden Nugget. Also in Atlantic City. They heard such good things about my show at Bally's, they want me for tonight. So I'll have to repack, and go."
JACK,What took you so long?,JERRY,I live in New York. (slams the cab door) What the hell happened?
JACK,"This thing is a, is a behemoth.",JERRY,What did you do?
JACK,"I was, I was making a, a simple lane change. I, I put on the blinker and it took off on me. And the next thing you know, I was submerged. I'm telling you, Jerry, I'm very lucky that those crocs didn't get me.",JERRY,"(exasperation) You are such an idiot. Well, we gotta get the car cleaned up for my parents."
JACK,(shrugging) Do whatever you want. It's your car.,JERRY,My car? You drove it into the swamp!
JACK,"It drove itself into the swamp! Besides, I think I lost my pen, too.",JERRY,"(smiling with pleasure) You know, that almost makes this all worthwhile."
JACK,"Jerry, it's getting late. You've cleaned up the car. You've made all your phone calls. Why are you still here?",JERRY,"Well, I uh, maxed out my credit cards, and I don't have enough cash for a hotel room. So..."
JACK,"You are uh, thinking of staying here?",JERRY,Well...
JACK,"(laughing) You've got some nerve. I almost break my neck in that death-trap of yours, and now you ask me for a favour!",JERRY,You didn't like that crack about the pen.
ELAINE,"'One bright note in today's market, was the stock of retailer J Peterman, whose founder's surprise return generated a rise of twelve and a half points.'",JERRY,"Mmm-mmm-mmm. That means, if you still had those stock options..."
ELAINE,I think you're sticking it to me.,JERRY,"Elaine, I'm sure George is just being sympathetic."
ELAINE,(leaning forward and accusing) Stickin' it!,JERRY,You're not alone. I'm practically broke.
ELAINE,Really?,JERRY,"No. But, I did blow over twenty thousand on that Cadillac."
GEORGE,(relishing) Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm. Delicious.,JERRY,"Well, you seem happy."
ELAINE,"So, were your parents shocked to see the Cadillac?",JERRY,"Actually, I haven't heard from 'em yet."
GEORGE,"(angry, to himself) The ocean called. Running outta shrimp. Outta shrimp! (a thought occurs) Oh! Yes! That's what I shoulda said! (frustrated shout) Dammit!",JERRY,"'The ocean called, They're running outta shrimp'?"
GEORGE,"Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then, I said to him, 'Oh yeah? Well, the jerk store called, and they're running outta you.'",JERRY,(smiling) Really? That's great. You said that to him?
GEORGE,"(confessing) Well, actually, I thought it up on the way over here.",JERRY,Oh. That's not quite the same.
GEORGE,No. No it's not. You don't know this guy. It woulda been so sweet.,JERRY,I'm gonna grab a can of balls.
MILOS,Hello. My name is Milos. How can I help you.,JERRY,I need a can of balls.
KRAMER,"Jerry, have you ever seen the movie The Other Side Of Darkness?",JERRY,No.
KRAMER,"It's about this woman, in a coma. Well, I couldn't finish watching it, so I want you to read this.",JERRY,"(reading) 'I, Cosmo Kramer, having just seen the movie The Other Side Of Darkness, and not wanting to be in a coma like that lady in the movie, hereby want Jerry Seinfeld to remove my life support, feeding machine, lung-blower, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.'"
KRAMER,"Can you do that for me, buddy?",JERRY,"Well, I don't if what you have here constitutes a legally binding document."
KRAMER,"Well, I'm gonna type it up.",JERRY,"Yes, well, of course, but, even so, you may wanna talk to a lawyer."
KRAMER,"Oh, hey, new racquet, huh?",JERRY,"Yeah. (hands racquet to Kramer) I wasn't gonna get it, but this guy Milos, who runs the pro shop, he really recommended it."
KRAMER,"(picking up Jerry's old racquet) Well, you're not gonna need this any more.",JERRY,"(accusingly) Hey, this is the zee page of my address book."
VINCENT (O.C.),The same.,JERRY,He called you?
ELAINE,"He musta got my number off the computer. We ended up talking for, like, two hours.",JERRY,To a guy you've never met? (mild sarcasm) Your screening process is getting ever more rigorous.
ELAINE,"(laughing to Jerry) Oh god, that guy's terrible.",JERRY,(pulling on a jacket) Mmm-hmm.
ELAINE,"Hey, how come we played at this crummy place instead of your club?",JERRY,George used up all my guest passes already.
PLAYER,Ahh.,JERRY,Come on.
PLAYER,Thank you.,JERRY,(tossing the ball) Here you go.
ELAINE,So he was bad. What d'you care?,JERRY,"Elaine, I paid two hundred dollars for this racquet, because he said it's the only one he plays with. He could've played just as well with a log."
ELAINE,The executor? Of what?,JERRY,Kramer wants to die with dignity.
GEORGE,"Sometimes in life, the gods smile upon you, my friends.",JERRY,D'you get someone to take that Canadian quarter?
ELAINE,Who's Reilly?,JERRY,"George was scarfing shrimp at this meeting, and this guy says 'Hey, George, the ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.'"
GEORGE,(confused) What does that mean?,JERRY,"(taps George's chest) Hey, here you go. 'Hey, Reilly. The zoo called. You're due back by six.'"
KRAMER,(picking the racquet up) Did you take this out of the garbage?,JERRY,"Yeah, it's still got some spring in the strings."
KRAMER,(indicating) You see? You can't let go.,JERRY,"Trust me, Kramer. Given the legal opportunity, I will kill you."
ELAINE,(points to Kramer and smiles in agreement) That's right.,JERRY,Hello Milos.
MILOS,"Jerry, thank god you got my message. Thank you so much for coming down here. Uhm, listen...",JERRY,"(animated) You know, I spent two hundred dollars on a racquet because I thought you knew what you were talking about."
MILOS,I..I...,JERRY,You can't even play.
MILOS,"Believe me, it is Milos great shame. But Jerry, I could lose my business if anybody find out. How would you like extra year membership of the club? Free. No charge.",JERRY,You could do that?
MILOS,"Jerry, for you, anything.",JERRY,"(indicating the woman) Game, set and match, huh Milos?"
MILOS,"(apologetic) Hah, Jerry, I am so sorry. they tell me there is no way they can do it. (meek) Is there anything else I can do for you? Anything at all. I refund your money.",JERRY,"(animated) You know what Milos, I don't even care about the money. I just feel like I was taken by the worst tennis player I..."
MILOS,Shhh-shhh. (whispers) I make it up to you.,JERRY,"(doubtful) Yeah, you'll make it up to me."
PATTY,Hello.,JERRY,Hello. Didn't I see you at the pro shop yesterday?
PATTY,I think so. I'm Patty. Milos gave me your address. I hope you don't mind me waiting for you here.,JERRY,"(to himself) Hoh, that Milos. (to Patty) Well uh, what shall we do, uhm, care for a cup of coffee?"
PATTY,Why don't we just go up to your apartment?,JERRY,(surprised) Alright.
ALLBRIGHT (O.C.),(bright and cheerful) I feel so rested and refreshed. Get me a toothbrush.,JERRY,"So, you play tennis?"
PATTY,"(putting the glass down on the counter) Enough talk, Jerry.",JERRY,"Not for me, I love chatting."
PATTY,"(anguished) No! No, I can't do this. (moving away) I can't go through with it. (sitting on the couch) Not even for him!",JERRY,Who?
PATTY,(cries) Milos. My husband!,JERRY,(shocked) Your husband?!
GEORGE,"So concerned was he, that word of his poor tennis skills might leak out, he chose to offer you his wife as some sort of mediaeval sexual payola?",JERRY,(explanation) He's new around here.
GEORGE,"(hopeful) So, details?",JERRY,"(walking away) Well, I didn't sleep with her."
GEORGE,"Because of society, right?",JERRY,"(weary) Yes, George, because of society. So how did the big meeting turn out?"
GEORGE,Reilly is no longer with the club. (getting up) You believe that?,JERRY,"Ah, you're better off. Now you can just let it go."
GEORGE,"Yeah, I'm gonna let it go.",JERRY,"You never really had the right comeback, anyway."
KRAMER,I didn't know it was possible to come out of a coma.,JERRY,I didn't know it was possible not to know that.
ELAINE,(forcing a smile) Hi.,JERRY,"Milos, I can assure you, I had no intention of telling anyone about your unbelievably bad tennis playing."
MILOS,"(not cheered) Thank you, but, unfortunately, I have much larger problems to fry. My wife, she has no respect for Milos anymore.",JERRY,I guess that's a risk you run when you dabble in the flesh trade.
MILOS,"Patty, she, she loves tennis, as much like I do. (hopeful) Wou..would you, wi..will you let me beat you in tennis? That is the only way I can show her I am still a man.",JERRY,"(reluctant) Well, I'll do it as long as there's no other girls around. I mean, I wanna be a man too."
ELAINE,(handing Jerry an envelope) Look what came in the mail today.,JERRY,(taking the envelope) Wh..What's this?
ELAINE,"It's the play button, off his VCR.",JERRY,"(examining the button) Boy, look how far back it goes. It's like a tooth."
GEORGE,Yep. I'm leaving first thing tomorrow morning.,JERRY,"(nonplused) You're flying to Akron, just to zing a guy?"
SECRETARY,"Oh. (looks at her watch) Mr Kramer, you had a ten-thirty appointment. It's two o'clock. Mr Shellbach had a tennis lesson. He's gone for the day.",JERRY,Too good.
MILOS,(triumphant shout) Another game for Milos!! Hahaha!,JERRY,You're on fire today.
MILOS,"(milking it) He's not a man, this Jerry. He's not even married like I am. (laughs) Huhuhuhu.",JERRY,"(quietly) Hey, uh, Milos, I don't mind rolling over here, but could you lighten up on the 'not a man' stuff?"
MILOS,"(pointing and shouting) Look at the big baby! (laughter) Hehaha. (to Jerry) Hey, big baby, are you wetting yourself? Maybe it is time for you to be changed. (laughter) Hahah.",JERRY,(quietly) I told you to cut it out.
ELAINE,(to Jerry) Hi. (indicating Kramer) How's he doing?,JERRY,He's been sleeping a lot. He's still groggy.
ELAINE,Oh. (puts the VCR down) I thought a movie might cheer him up. I got him a Gene pick.,JERRY,What happened to Vincent?
ELLEN,"So, they have this clock now, where you punch in your age, and all your risk factors. It actually counts down how much time you have left to live.",JERRY,"So what's the great moment? You're on your death bed, they're pounding on your chest - and you're going 10, 9, 8,.. I told you this thing was good!"
ELLEN,(Laughs) I can't believe this is our first date.,JERRY,I know.. How about dessert?
ELLEN,I suppose I have to get a piece of cake..,JERRY,Why?
ELLEN,Today's my birthday.,JERRY,What? Today? Really?
GEORGE,"So, she went out with you on a first date.. and it was her birthday?",JERRY,Yeah. And she picked the day!
GEORGE,Is she socially awkward?,JERRY,"No, she's great! She's.. attractive, she's fun.."
GEORGE,"Well, maybe she decided to celebrate her birthday on the Monday after the weekend.",JERRY,She's not Lincoln.
KRAMER,Hey! Anybody up for Lorenzo's pizza?,JERRY,I'll pass.
GEORGE,"Eh, I can't. I gotta go down to the foundation. I'm interviewing high schoolers for the Susan Ross.. scholarship.",JERRY,Does it ever bother you that this organization-
GEORGE,Nope!,JERRY,is beating the bushes-
GEORGE,Nope! (Starts heading for the door),JERRY,to basically give this money away-
GEORGE,Noo!,JERRY,"to virtually anyone, as long as they're not you?"
ELAINE,"So, get this Mister Peterman is finally letting me do some real writing. He's got this book deal, for his autobiography. He's gonna let me ghost write it.",JERRY,"Wow. That's great! When it comes out, I'll have to get someone to ghost read it."
KRAMER,"Alright, so there I am at Lorenzo's - loading up my slice of the fixin's bar.. garlic, (imitates the shaking of garlic onto a pizza) and what-not.. mmm, mmm.. and I see this guy over at the pizza boxes giving me the stink-eye. (Imitates the 'stink-eye') So I give hime the crook-eye back, (Imitates the 'crook-eye') you know.. Then, I notice that he's not alone! I'm taking on the entire Van Buren Boys!",JERRY,The Van Buren Boys? There's a street gang named after President Martin Van Buren?
KRAMER,"Because I'm still holding the garlic shaker.. Yeah.. like this (grabs Jerry's peper shaker, and demonstrates) I'm only showing eight fingers.",JERRY,"Well, what does that mean?"
KIM,"Yeah, you don't even know how much she needs this.",JERRY,(Sympathetically) She coming of a bad break-up?
MELISSA,See ya!,JERRY,Any messages?
[Setting,Coffee shop],JERRY,They act like it was some act of charity. Just going out with her.
GEORGE,"So, she's the loser of the group. Every group has someone that they all make fun of.. Like us with Elaine. (Jerry thinks about this, then shakes it off)",JERRY,There is no way Ellen is the loser of that group.
GEORGE,Are you looking deep down at the real person underneath?,JERRY,"No, I'm being as superficial as I possibly can!"
GEORGE,"(Changing subject) Hey, I htink I may have found someone for the scholarship.",JERRY,Yeah?
GEORGE,"I'm interviewing all these annoying little overachievers.. finally, this kid walks in - Steven Koren - a regular guy.. likes sports.. watches T.V..",JERRY,Is he smart?
GEORGE,(Defensively) He knows how to read. And he also knows finishing an entire book doesn't prove anything. And get this he's into architecture.,JERRY,Hey! Just like you pretend to be.
GEORGE,"Yes. With a little guidance, Steven Koren is going to be everything I claim to be, only for real. That's my dream, Jerry.",JERRY,I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me!
[Setting,Coffee shop],JERRY,Is that the same outfit you were wearing yesterday?
ELLEN,"No, this is brand new. Do you like it?",JERRY,"Actually, yeah. (Pause) Wait a second! Is that the fork that fell on the floor?! (Dramatically) Are you using the fork that fell on the floor?!"
ELLEN,"(Laughs) No, Jerry, the waitress game be another one.",JERRY,I guess that's all right.
ELLEN,"Is something wrong, Jerry?",JERRY,"No, absolutely nothing. (They get up to leave) You're fantastic! (They meet up with Kramer and George on the way out) Hey guys!"
GEORGE,Hey.,JERRY,"(Gesturing to Ellen) Kramer, George, this is Ellen."
[Setting,Jerry's apartment],JERRY,So you're denying him the scholarship just because he wants to be a city planner?
GEORGE,"I was betrayed! That kid was like a son to me. And if there's one person you should be able to hold down, it's your own flesh and blood. Like my father.. my father's father before him.",JERRY,"You know, maybe philanthropy is not your field. (Phone rings, he answers it) Hello. Oh, Hi, Ellen. Yeah, I called the hotel.. we're all set for the weekend."
GEORGE,You're spending the weekend with Ellen?,JERRY,"(To George, in a 'cha-ching!' motion) Vermont! (To Ellen) With any luck, they said we could stay an extra couple of days if we want to! (George is disturbed. He gets up, goes go Kramer's door, and knocks. They talk) Four days at a beautiful bed-and-breakfast! I can't wait.. buy-bye. (Hangs up. George and Kramer come into Jerry's apartment, confronting him) What? (George takes the phone off the hook) What is this?"
GEORGE,"Jerry, this whole Ellen situation.. has gone far enough.",JERRY,What?!
KRAMER,"(Adding) Jerry, she's a loser. (George points to Kramer - gesturing that he's right on target)",JERRY,Where is this coming from? She's great!
GEORGE,"(Concerned) Why're you doing this, Jerry? Is it your career? Things will pick up.",JERRY,There's nothing wrong with my career!
KRAMER,"Listen, George, all these issues are interrelated.",JERRY,(Fed up) Alright! Excuse me! (Gets up) I'm not buying any of this!
KRAMER,"All right, so what're you saying? That we're wrong? Oh, everybody's wrong but you!",JERRY,"You know, this is liek that Twilight Zone where the guy wakes up, and he's the same - but everyone else is different!"
KRAMER,Which one?,JERRY,They were all like that!
ELAINE,"These Kramer stories are unusable! (Thumbs through them) I mean, some of them aren't even stories! (Holds one out) Look, this is a list of things in his apartment!",JERRY,Is my toaster oven on there?
ELAINE,How am I ever gonna turn this into a book?,JERRY,"Well, just shape them - change them. You're a writer."
ELAINE,Yes! I'm a writer.,JERRY,Make them interesting.
ELAINE,Interesting! Of course! People love interesting writing!,JERRY,"Well, I gotta go to the airport. I'm picking up my parents."
ELAINE,What? Wheren't they just here?,JERRY,Yeah. I'm flying them in to meet Ellen. I don't know where to turn! I gotta see what they think of her.
ELAINE,Maybe we could all have dinner later?,JERRY,I don't think so. I'm gonna try to get them to fly right back tonight.
KRAMER,"Oh, hey! Hey, have I told you about my bunions? Oh, you're gonna love this story! (Rubs his hands together) So, I line up my cold cuts on the couch next to me, but as I'm stacking them up, they keep falling into my foot bath! (Jerry and Elaine look disgusted)",JERRY,"Kramer, this is awful! We don't want to hear about this!"
KRAMER,Damn!,JERRY,What?
ELLEN,"(Looks at her watch) Oh, Jerry, you're parking meter's about to expire. Don't get up, I've got change. (Leaves with her purse)",JERRY,(To his parents) So? What do you think?
HELEN,"Jerry, she's fantastic.",JERRY,I knew it! I'm not crazy.
HELEN,"And so much personality! But, it doesn't matter what we think. Do you like her?",JERRY,"(After seeing how much his parents like her) Now, I'm not so sure."
HELEN,"Well, she's 10 times better than that awful Amber girl that you were with.",JERRY,"yeah, Amber.. I wonder if she's back from Vegas.."
KRAMER,Look how dark it's gettin' already.,JERRY,"Well, it's not Daylight Savings Time yet."
KRAMER,When does it start?,JERRY,"(pause) I don't know, they just tell you the night before."
KRAMER,"Uh. Well, I'm sick o' waiting. (pulls out his pocket-watch (it has a chain, too)) I am springin' ahead riiight now.",JERRY,"(under breath) Oh, I'm sure that won't cause any problems.."
KRAMER,"Oh now, don't tell me you're still mad at him for calling you a phony. Jerry, that was five years ago!",JERRY,I'm not a phony an' I don't want anything to do with this guy.
MIKE,"(sees and is enthused, coming over) Kramer! Jerry! How's it goin'?!",JERRY,Fine. An' I'm not just sayin' that..
MIKE,Guess what? I just started my own business. I'm a bookie!,JERRY,No openings in arson?
KRAMER,"(quickly) Ah no no no. No bets for me, I uh, I got a disease.",JERRY,I'm feelin' a bit queasy myself. Maybe I'll see you in another five years. (casually leaves)
ELAINE,"You won't believe this but, as I'm leaving, she calls me ""Susie.""",JERRY,I don't see you as a Susie. Sharon maybe.
ELAINE,"What am I, a--a bulimic, chain-smoking, stenographer from Staten Island?",JERRY,Who are you describing?
ELAINE,Someone I know.,JERRY,Named Sharon?
GEORGE,"(sitting) Newww tuxedo. For the Pinstripe Ball. Steinbrenner is throwing a huge party at Tavern on the Green, heh!",JERRY,Kind of a Yankee prom?
GEORGE,(resentfully dampened) It's not a prom. It's a Ball.,JERRY,You taking Allison?
GEORGE,"Yes, of course I'm taking Allison. This woman is genetically engineered to go to a ball. Tall, blonde, lithe--",JERRY,Live?
ELAINE,(rolling her eyes) Lithe!,JERRY,"Oh, lithe!"
ELAINE,"Well, you two'll have a great time there.",JERRY,It can't be worse than this.
GEORGE,(pause) Uh-oh.,JERRY,She wants to talk.
GEORGE,"She doesn't Want to talk, she needs to talk.",JERRY,Nobody needs to talk.
GEORGE,"Who would Want to. She tried to end it with me, Jerry.",JERRY,What'd ya do?
GEORGE,"I told her I was out o' soda, I went out to get some, an' I never went back.",JERRY,(pause) All night?!
GEORGE,"Yeah, I slept at my parents' house.",JERRY,And she wants to break up with you..
GEORGE,Ha! (snort) Can you believe it? (amused) I'm supposed to be havin' lunch with her right now at Pomodoro.,JERRY,"Uh-oh. ""Everybody breaks up at Pomodoro's."""
GEORGE,So? What'm I gonna do?,JERRY,You really like this girl.
GEORGE,No. I like the ball! This is my One Chance to make a Great Entrance! My whole life! I have never made a great entrance!,JERRY,You've made some Fine Exits.
GEORGE,(admitting) All right..,JERRY,So what do you do? You can't keep avoiding her.
KRAMER,"(All right.) (to Jerry) Ah? Oh, by the way you owe Mike a hundred dollars.",JERRY,What for?
KRAMER,"Well I put a bet down for ya on tonight's game. Yeah, if the Knicks beat the Pacers by more than thirty-five? It pays ten to one. Oo-oo! That's some sweet action!",JERRY,"But I don't want any ""sweet action."""
KRAMER,"Well, I couldn't do it I got a gamblin' problem.",JERRY,So you put down my money?!
KRAMER,(impatient sigh) You don't have a problem.,JERRY,"Not (with) that, no.."
GEORGE,"(on tape, singing) ""Believe it or not, George, isn't at home, please leave a mes-saaage at the beep. I must be out or I'd pick up the pho-one. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not hooome."" (beep)",JERRY,"George, pick up. I know you're screening for Allison."
GEORGE,"(answers phone, good mood) Hey.",JERRY,"So, coffee shop?"
ELAINE,Can you believe this woman?,JERRY,(ironic outrage) The nerve. Talkin' about ya behind your back--and right to your face!
ELAINE,"No. ""Suze!"" I mean, ""Suzie!"" ""Suzanne!"" ""Suzanna."" Fine! But there is no, way, I'm gonna be a Suze.",JERRY,No. No Suze.
ELAINE,(tense) I mean--what am I--some pom-pom-wavin' Backseat Bimbo?!,JERRY,Who are you describin'?
ELAINE,Someone I know!,JERRY,Named Suze?
KRAMER,"(comes in, subdued) Hey. (grabs a water from refrigerator)",JERRY,"Hey, I thought you went to the game."
KRAMER,No. I was kicked out for fightin' with one of the players. (leaving),JERRY,Wait. Way--way--way--way--way--way--wait! Who?!
KRAMER,Yeah. (leaving),JERRY,"Hey--hey--hey--wait, wait, wait, wait! What happened!"
ELAINE,"(same time as Jerry) --Wait, whoa--whoa--whoa--whoa!--",JERRY,"Well--wait--wait--wait--wait! What do you mean ""involved""?!"
KRAMER,"Well I, well I, felt, pretty bad about everything an' uh, then the three of us, we went to a strip club. (leaves)",JERRY,Can you believe that?
KRAMER,"(suddenly comes back, excited) The Knicks killed 'em a hundred an' ten to seventy three!",JERRY,"What--of course, without Reggie Miller, it's a blowout!"
KRAMER,"No, Jerry--that's thirty-seven points! The Knicks covered! You won! See, that's a cooool-G, Daddy-O--now you gotta let it riiiide!",JERRY,On what?!
KRAMER,"(real addict) Ah, come-on, Jerry--I don't wanna lose this feeling. Hey--let's go down to the O.T.B. We'll put some money on the ponies. (getting out pocket-watch)",JERRY,"Yeah, all right."
KRAMER,(looking at watch) Ssssh--ah! They just closed!,JERRY,(not) Oh. Too Bad.
ALLISON,Oh yeah?,JERRY,"(singing) Believe it or not, Geooorge isn't at home."
MIKE,(comes up) Hey. Jerry.,JERRY,Hey Mike.. How 'bout those Knicks?
MIKE,"(a little anxious) Yeah! How 'bout 'em? Ha ha. Look, Jerry. I can't pay you.",JERRY,Why not?
MIKE,'Cause I don't have the money..,JERRY,"Mike. You say you're a bookie? You take a bet an' then you can't pay? I don't know, Mike, to me it sounds a little, how you say.. ""Phony""?"
MIKE,Just give me 'til Friday. Please. Please!,JERRY,"You know, you're supposed to be the Bookie. Act like one."
MIKE,I'm sorry. Uh--oh here--let me give you a hand with that.,JERRY,(trying to shut the trunk hood) Something wrong with this trunk.
KRAMER,Mike's outside. He wants to talk to you.,JERRY,Well why doesn't he just come in?
KRAMER,"Because he's scared, Jerry.",JERRY,Why is he scared.
KRAMER,"(sighs, opens door) Come on in. Did you do this? (Mike has two hand casts on)",JERRY,"Yeah, but--"
KRAMER,Uh--ah--ah! You broke his thumbs.,JERRY,It was an accident.
MIKE,"(desperate) I'll get you the money, Jerry. I got a hundred dollars in my front pocket if you want to, reach in an' take it!",JERRY,(hands up) I don't want it that way.
KRAMER,"Nuh! Okay Jerry, how about if Mike fixes your truuunk, we call it even, an' this way, nobody has to get hurt.",JERRY,(whatever) Fine..
KRAMER,"See that was nice, Jerry. (under breath) Oh, by the way, I'm the one who broke your trunk.",JERRY,"Ah, it's just a car."
GEORGE,"(pause) What do you think, Jerry.",JERRY,"(wistful) I don't know, I just see you guys together."
MIKE,"(from inside the trunk) Oh! Help! Somebody, help! Help!",JERRY,So Peterman bought it? I can't believe you got away with that!
ELAINE,"Well, I'm very fortunate to be surrounded by such stupidity.",JERRY,"Yeah, I know how you feel."
ELAINE,Do you hear something?,JERRY,What?
ELAINE,"Jerry, I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. They're starting to give Susie assignments now!",JERRY,"Well, there's only one thing to do. Eliminate her."
ELAINE,What?,JERRY,(firmly matter-of-fact) Get Rid of Susie. Make her disappear.
ELAINE,I kinda like her.,JERRY,She's Gooone.
ELAINE,Jerry--,JERRY,(impatient) Gone! (starts maniacally laughing) (briefly stops to point and explain) That bumper sticker.
ELAINE,(quiet) Look at this turnout.,JERRY,(quiet) Where did Susie find the time to meet all these people..
PEGGY,I guess I never met Susie.,JERRY,(privately amused) Suze? I actually had a little thing with her for a while. (indicating Elaine) Her too.
PETERMAN,"(steps up to the podium, refreshed) Ahhh. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget Susie--ahhh. And most of all, I will never, forget that one night. Working late on the catalogue. Juuust the two of us. And we surrendered to temptation. And it was Pretty Good.",JERRY,"(proud to Peggy, under his breath) Yeah, but he didn't sleep with both of 'em. (winks)"
MIKE,"(running in, still hoarse, desperate!) Hold on! Hol--on! Susie didn't commit suicide! (rushes up to podium!) She was Murdered, by Jerry, Sein-feld!",JERRY,"(smugly, under-his-breath) Not only that, I broke his thumbs."
JENNA,Morning.,JERRY,Morning.
JENNA,Hope you don't mind baking soda flavour.,JERRY,"(applying paste to brush) Ah, baking soda. Annoying little product. 'I can do this. I can do that.' Why doesn't this stuff just shut up?"
JENNA,I'm gonna grab you a towel.,JERRY,Ooh-ooh
GEORGE,So?,JERRY,So? She used the toothbrush!
GEORGE,"You said you grabbed it outta there real fast, right?",JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,"So I'm sure whatever germs it landed on were knocked out, and by the time the rest of them realised what was going on, you had already grabbed it out.",JERRY,How many years of med school did you have?
GEORGE,You didn't tell her.,JERRY,Jenna's like me. She's very... (searches for word)
GEORGE,Finicky? Prissy? Fastidious?,JERRY,I'll take fastidious.
HEAD,Holy cow!,JERRY,"They don't actually have to squeeze his head to get him to say 'holy cow', do they?"
KRAMER,"Hey. Look at this. I'm in the passing lane of the Arthur Berkhardt expressway, going seventy and (makes impact sound - pckergh!) Dragged this thing for five exits.",JERRY,Why didn't you pull over?
KRAMER,"Well, I'm a poppa.",JERRY,Bring it on. Nothing's throwing me at this point.
KRAMER,"(handing Jerry a cigar) Well, as of today I am a proud parent of a one-mile stretch of the Arthur Berkhardt Expressway.",JERRY,"Oh, that adopt-a-highway thing."
KRAMER,"Yeah, I'm part of the solution now Jerry. Yeah, I went down there and I checked it out this morning. Here, take a look. Mile one-fourteen.",JERRY,"Aw, looks just like you."
KRAMER,"Aw, I'm beaming Jerry.",JERRY,So what d'you have to do? Pay to keep it clean?
KRAMER,"They try to push you into using their cleaning crew, with all their so-called maintenance equipment.",JERRY,That old scam.
KRAMER,"Yeah, well that's why I'm doing it all myself. This parenting isn't about delegating responsibility, it's about being there.",JERRY,"At the side of the road, with a pile of garbage."
GEORGE,Keys. I can't find my keys.,JERRY,You lost Phil Rizzuto's head?!
GEORGE,Have you seen 'em?,JERRY,No.
KRAMER,Right.,JERRY,"Well, they're not here. You'll have to dig up your spare set."
GEORGE,I don't have a spare set. All my keys say 'do not duplicate'.,JERRY,So?
ELAINE,(at the boy's back) This isn't fair. This is address discrimination!,JERRY,"Well, I cleaned out their whole dental hygiene shelf."
GEORGE,So the plan is to secretly sterilise her mouth?,JERRY,"By the time I'm through with her mouth, she'll be able to eat off it. Is it safe to drink bleach if you dilute it?"
GEORGE,"Now I remember, as I jumped over the hole I heard a, like a jingling sound.",JERRY,You didn't look down?
HEAD (O.C.),"Holy, Holy Cow!",JERRY,Poor son of a bitch.
JENNA,It's like I'm holding a blender.,JERRY,The engine's made by McDonnell-Douglas.
JENNA,"(restarting and reapplying the brush) Really, it does?",JERRY,(unheard by Jenna) When the battery runs out.
JENNA,(shouting to Jerry) I was really happy with my old toothbrush.,JERRY,"No, trust me, that one was doing more harm than good. Don't forget to use the Plax too."
JENNA (O.C.),That stuff tastes like bleach!,JERRY,I don't know anything about that.
JENNA,Mmm. My mouth feels so clean.,JERRY,That's the idea.
ELAINE,You still couldn't kiss her?,JERRY,"She has a taint. I can't see it, but I know it's there."
ELAINE,"Oh, so now you're finding fault on a sub-atomic level.",JERRY,"Maybe if I could shrink myself down, like in Fantastic Voyage, and get inside a microscopic submarine, I could be sure. Although if there was something there, it might be pretty scary. Course, I would have that laser."
ELAINE,"Jer, do you see where this is going?",JERRY,Being really clean and happy?
ELAINE,"Jerry, you have tendencies. They're always annoying, but they were just tendencies. But now, if you can't kiss this girl, I'm afraid we're talking disorder.",JERRY,Disorder?
ELAINE,"And from disorder, you're a quirk or two away from full-on dementia.",JERRY,"(thoughtful) Hmm, that could hurt me. (pointing out of window) Hey, there it is."
ELAINE,Shall we stop and say hi?,JERRY,"Nah, we've seen it."
ELAINE,"Well, the lock was broken. You just have to jiggle it, actually. But, I just need like a half an hour to an hour.",JERRY,What's with the signs?
KRAMER,"Hey, you should see the Berkhardt, Jerry. My mile is spotless. I mean the big stuff was easy. Cinderblocks, air-conditioners, shopping carts (makes sound - fzup!), I just rolled 'em into the woods.",JERRY,"Yeah, that stuff's all natural anyway."
KRAMER,"(holding up a sign) Speed limit, one hundred and sixty-five miles per hour. See? They slipped a one in there. (laughing) Those kids with the spray paint, God love 'em.",JERRY,"Hey. So, keys?"
GEORGE,No keys. And I been calling the city all day. Course there's not really a number to call if you wanna make a pothole.,JERRY,I guess they leave that up to the general population.
GEORGE,"I tell you this. If the real Phil Rizzuto was down there, this wouldn't be happening!",JERRY,Hard to say.
KRAMER,"Oh yeah, yeah. I borrowed some cones from them when I was sweeping my car-pool lane.",JERRY,Yeah?
JENNA (O.C.),It's Jenna.,JERRY,"If you guys wouldn't mind, I would like to ward off dementia."
JENNA,Hey.,JERRY,Hi.
JENNA,How you feeling?,JERRY,"Good. My cold's gone, and I've been looking forwards to kissing you, which I'm ready to do now, if you are ready."
JENNA,What?!,JERRY,"Nothing. I just, I uh, I bruised my lip. I was drinking a Celray, and I brought it up too fast and I banged it into my lip, (lower voice and hurriedly) and then I knocked your toothbrush into the toilet and I wasn't able to tell you before you could use it."
JENNA,What?,JERRY,I'm sorry.
JENNA,When were you gonna tell me this?!,JERRY,Obviously never.
KRAMER,I need the yield sign.,JERRY,"Kramer, I'm kind of in the middle of something. Would you get these signs out of here, please?"
KRAMER,You could've introduced me.,JERRY,I wouldn't know where to start.
JENNA,There. Now something of yours has been in the toilet.,JERRY,What?! Wha... what'd you put in there?
JENNA,Gotta run.,JERRY,"Oh, man!"
ELAINE,She won't even give you a hint?,JERRY,No. Could be anything. The whole apartment's a biohazard.
ELAINE,You know what I bet it is? (points) Your remote.,JERRY,"Yes, that is a definite possibility."
ELAINE,"(walking to the couch) Or, could be your walkman there.",JERRY,Are you just screwing with me?
KRAMER,Hey ah.,JERRY,"Hey, how's life on the road?"
KRAMER,"Oh, I'm making a difference Jerry.",JERRY,I don't doubt it.
KRAMER,"You should see the smiles on the drivers' faces. I mean, you gotta look quick, but they're there.",JERRY,What's this?
KRAMER,"Well, you know, those annoying little bumps on the lane-lines? (makes noise - bum, bum, bum, bum, bump)",JERRY,Isn't that some kind of safety thing?
KRAMER,"Well, I had to pull 'em up if I'm gonna widen the lanes.",JERRY,What the hell are you talking about?
KRAMER,"Well you black out lane-lines one and three, and a four-lane highway becomes a two-lane comfort cruise. (to Jerry) So, you got any black paint?",JERRY,"(sarcasm) Yeah, in my toolshed, next to the riding mower."
ELAINE,"(into phone) Yuh, I'd like an order of supreme flounder, number forty-seven. Yeah, apartment one-Q.",JERRY,One-Q? Whose apartment is that?
ELAINE,"That's the janitor closet, across the street.",JERRY,"You're pretending to live in a janitor's closet, just to get this flounder?"
ELAINE,Oh it's you.,JERRY,Is the flounder here yet?
ELAINE,(gesturing) There's this.,JERRY,"Nice. French doors'd really open this place up. Oh, but you have a slop-bucket."
GEORGE,"Oh, I was uh, I was waiting downstairs for the jackhammer, thought I'd drop by.",JERRY,Kramer's guys?
GEORGE,Yeah. I got 'em down to fifty bucks. I just have to do all the jackhammering myself.,JERRY,"Oh that's nice, kind of a hard-labour fantasy camp."
GEORGE,...stop pushing. (to Elaine) Kramer spilled ammonia.,JERRY,I don't feel like eating.
JENNA,"So Jerry, why'd you call me?",JERRY,"Well, I thought it's about time we put aside all this silliness. I know now you didn't put anything in my toilet bowl. (pause) Did you?"
JENNA,"Yes, I did.",JERRY,"Well, whatever. So, how've you been?"
JENNA,Good.,JERRY,Good. (pause) Steak knife?
JENNA,Just eating away at you isn't it?,JERRY,Nah.
JENNA,Hi.,JERRY,Hi.
ELAINE,"Hi. Jerry, can I borrow your car?",JERRY,For what?
ELAINE,I have to haul some dirty garbage to the dump.,JERRY,"Dirt? That's alright, (for Jenna's benefit) because there's nothing wrong with dirt."
ELAINE,"Well, actually it's pretty grimy.",JERRY,"Grime, grease, filth, funk, ooze. Whatever it is, you take that stuff and put it right on my leather upholstery."
ELAINE,"Well, I don't know who you are, but thanks for the car.",JERRY,Sure. Bye.
ELAINE,Bye.,JERRY,"There, you see? I just leant her my car, and she's gonna fill it with all sorts of... (he cracks) Alright! You win! That car was my last germ-free sanctuary. I slept there last night! Now, for the love of God, please, what is it? What is it?!"
JENNA,Toilet brush.,JERRY,"Toilet brush, oh (he pulls a 'Damn, shoulda guessed!' face). Alright, I can replace that."
JENNA,You wanna order dinner?,JERRY,"Yeah. Let's uh, go to your place. Because I, threw out all my dishes."
JENNA,Mm.,JERRY,"But, I'll tell you this much. I am never going to let some silly hygienic mishap get in the way of, what could be, a meaningful, long-lasting relationship."
JENNA,Do you hear something?,JERRY,I don't know what that could be.
HEAD,Holy cow!,JERRY,"Anyway, I'm a new man, and I'm looking towards the future. Clean, dirty, whatever."
KRAMER,"Well, I'll meet you at the coffee shop.",JERRY,"You know at the movies, they show that little ad for the concession stand?"
ELAINE,Where the cartoon candy's dancing and the Milk Dud's playing the banjo?,JERRY,He's wailing on that banjo.
ELAINE,Yeah.,JERRY,I just don't understand the raisinettes.
ELAINE,The sax player?,JERRY,Yeah.
ELAINE,Yeah.,JERRY,"The box of raisinettes runs up to the concession stand, buys another box of raisinettes."
ELAINE,So?,JERRY,Box of raisinettes eating another box of raisinettes? It's perverse.
ELAINE,HE's not gonna eat them. He's buying 'em for his Pepsi girlfriend.,JERRY,Why's he dating a Pepsi? They're not having children.
ELAINE,He's a musician.,JERRY,Musicians. Get a real job.
KRAMER,Saved a fortune. Look at that. Heyy.,JERRY,"(reading, unimpressed) Ohh, 'Number 1 Dad'."
KRAMER,Yeah.,JERRY,"(examining the label) Ooh, and it's in medium. Perfect."
GEORGE,Hey. You ready?,JERRY,Almost.
KRAMER,"Okay, look, uh, when you're in Florida, can my cigar guy drop off some Cubans for me at your parents' house?",JERRY,"(reluctant) Kramer, I'm helping my parents move into their new condo. I'm gonna be busy."
KRAMER,"Aw, c'mon man. Help a brother out.",JERRY,(grudging) Alright.
KRAMER,Yeahh. I owe you one.,JERRY,(holding up the '# DAD' shirt) We're even.
GEORGE,"Jerry, figure this out. I'm in the coffee shop, and this beautiful girl I could never even talk to, mistakes me for her boyfriend.",JERRY,(continuing to pack) That's a nice four seconds.
GEORGE,(incredulous) I look just like him. I. Me. (flings his arms out) This! This is what her boyfriend looks like. How is that possible?,JERRY,Maybe he has money.
GEORGE,"(wondering) Maybe he doesn't. Maybe he and I are exactly the same, except for one minor, yet crucial, detail. You never know.",JERRY,(zipping up his bag) Sometimes you do.
GEORGE,"Maybe it's some small thing I could change. Like a moustache. Or wearing a top hat, or a monocle, or a..or a cane.",JERRY,(picking up his bag and coat) Who's she dating? Mr Peanut?
MORTY,"Jerry, this is Del Boca Vista's new physical fitness room. They got medicine balls, you can bike ride, anything you want.",JERRY,Stairmaster?
MORTY,What?,JERRY,Nothin'.
MORTY,(opening his tracksuit top) See what I'm wearing?,JERRY,"Oh, did you get that outta my bag?"
MORTY,"No, your mother found it. Son, this is the most wonderful and thoughtful thing you've ever done for me.",JERRY,"You know, I bought you a Cadillac. Twice."
MORTY,See that? You couldn't do that.,JERRY,"I could, but I choose not to."
MORTY,"This is my son Jerry, from New York. (leaning toward Sid) He thinks he can lift more than Izzy.",JERRY,(protesting) I..I didn't say that.
IZZY,"Your kid's pretty funny, Morty. Should be a comedian.",JERRY,"(smiles) Actually, I am a comedian."
MORTY,Izzy used to work out with Charles Atlas in the fifties.,JERRY,(jocular) Eighteen-fifties?
IZZY,"Yeah, that's it. It's go time. (points to the weights he put down) Let's see you lift that.",JERRY,"(reluctant) Mr Mandelbaum, I..."
IZZY,"C'mon, c'mon. Pump it!",JERRY,(consenting) Alright.
IZZY,"Yeah, wrong attitude. you're not bringing that trash into my house.",JERRY,There. Alright?
HELEN,(accusing) How could you do that to Mr Mandelbaum? You should be ashamed of yourself.,JERRY,(defensive) He egged me on.
HELEN,You should be more mature.,JERRY,He's eighty!
HELEN,(to Jerry) Goodnight.,JERRY,"(smiling) Alright. Seven-thirty, got the place to myself."
GUILLERMO,Jerry Seinfeld please.,JERRY,"Ah, you must be Kramer's guys. (indicating) Come on in. You got the cigars?"
GUILLERMO,What cigars?,JERRY,Kramer said I was supposed to bring him back some Cubans.
KRAMER,"Yeah, hello, Jerry's place.",JERRY,"(animated) They're real Cubans?! They're human beings, from Cuba?!"
KRAMER,I said Cubans. What'd you think I meant?,JERRY,Cigars!
KRAMER,"Jerry, Cuban cigars are illegal in this country. That's why I got these guys.",JERRY,(incredulous) You're making your own cigars now?
KRAMER,"Yeah, yeah. I got investors all lined up.",JERRY,(to Kramer) Hold on a second. (to Morty) Hiya dad.
MORTY,(without looking up) Who are they?,JERRY,They're Cuban cigar rollers.
MORTY,(walking back out of the room) Don't tell your mother.,JERRY,What is that bubbling sound? Are you making your tomato sauce?
KRAMER,Hot and spicy.,JERRY,"(accusing) You're not wearing a shirt, are you?"
KRAMER,Yes I am.,JERRY,What colour is it?
ELAINE,"(calling after) Hey. You forgot about my piece of pie. Hello? (irritated) You know, sex in a tub. That doesn't work!",JERRY,This is quite a condo.
MORTY,The Mandelbaums own the Magic Pan restaurants.,JERRY,The crepe place?
MORTY,Yeah. This is all big crepe money.,JERRY,(doubtful) There's crepe money?
IZZY,What are you doing here?,JERRY,"(apologetic) Aw, Mr Mandelbaum, I just wanted to come by and tell you how sorry I was that you hurt yourself."
IZZY,What the hell is that?,JERRY,What?
IZZY,"Oh, I see how it works now. (indicates Jerry) He knocks me outta commission, so (indicates Morty) you can strut around in your fancy number one shirt. (moves the bedcovers) Well, I'll show you who's number one.",JERRY,"Mr Mandelbaum, please."
MORTY,Call an ambulance.,JERRY,I think I saw one a coupla doors down.
GEORGE,(animated) Some guy. Some guy? Neil! I have got to find out how he could get a girl like Danielle.,JERRY,"(pointing out the obvious) George, you've got Danielle. Forget about Neil. You've out-Neiled him."
GEORGE,"(surprised) So, I'm Neil? How did I do that?",JERRY,"I don't know, but you better keep it up."
GEORGE,I'm gonna go meet Danielle. (grabs his coat) There's a new Neil in town! (triumphant laughter) Hahaha!,JERRY,"(to himself) I try to take a vacation, I come back, the whole operation's a shambles. (answers phone) Hello."
MORTY,Hey Jerry. Number One here. Did you go see Izzy at the back specialist?,JERRY,"I will, I just walked in the door."
HELEN,You have to go see him.,JERRY,Ma.
KRAMER,"Jerry, I just picked up the Cubans at the bus station. (shrill) What's going on!?",JERRY,What?
KRAMER,(animated) They're not real Cubans. They're Dominicans.,JERRY,So?
KRAMER,"So, Jerry, if my investors don't get Cubans, the whole deal's off.",JERRY,What's the difference?
KRAMER,"Jerry, once you've had real Cubans, there's just nothing else like it.",JERRY,"(confused) We're talking about people, right?"
KRAMER,"Yes, yes. The quality, the texture, the intoxicating aroma. These guys don't have it.",JERRY,I thought they smelled pretty nice.
KRAMER,"Jerry, your palate's unrefined.",JERRY,Is not.
KRAMER,Is too.,JERRY,Is not.
KRAMER,Is too.,JERRY,I'm not having this conversation.
KRAMER,Are too.,JERRY,Am not.
PETERMAN,That's it! Drop everything. We're going right now.,JERRY,"Again, Mr Mandelbaum, this back specialist is supposed to be the best. So if there's anything else I can do, please don't hesitate to, uh, try and find my number."
IZZY,"How 'bout that, huh? The World's Greatest Dad. My son made it for me.",JERRY,(humouring him) That's very nice.
IZZY,The best in the world. (pointing to himself) Which means I'm better than just number one.,JERRY,"Well, I don't know how official any of these rankings really are."
IZZY JR.,Hi daddy.,JERRY,(surprise) This is your son?
IZZY JR.,"Oh, you think you're tough, picking on an old man? (squaring up to Jerry) Maybe you'd like to try taking on somebody your own age.",JERRY,(jocular) You got any kids?
IZZY JR.,"Oh, you think you're better than me? (challenging) Go ahead, pick out anything in the room here. I'll lift it up over my head.",JERRY,"(trying to defuse the situation) Look, no-one is lifting anything."
IZZY,(pointing) The television.,JERRY,(under his breath) Oh no.
IZZY,(urgent) Call an ambulance.,JERRY,(laconic) We're already in a hospital.
ELAINE,(indifferent) Yuh.,JERRY,(incredulous) You asked her to move in with you?
GEORGE,I gotta stay one step ahead of Neil.,JERRY,(musing) What if it's Neil Armstrong?
GEORGE,(animated) Then I'm going to Mars!,JERRY,What if it's Neil Diamond?
GEORGE,"(tormented) Aw, shut up Jerry! Just shut up!",JERRY,"Alright, I gotta go back to the hospital."
GEORGE,"What, to see the old guy?",JERRY,"No, I got into a thing with the son, and now he's laid up too."
GEORGE,How old's the son?,JERRY,I think he's the same age as the father.
GEORGE,What is with this family?,JERRY,"I dunno. It's like, if one of 'em dies, the other one wants to bench press the casket."
KRAMER,(noise - like shivery) Datiditadit.,JERRY,You're cold?
KRAMER,No. (indicates with his head) (noise again) Ditadidatidat.,JERRY,Something wrong with your chest?
KRAMER,(indicating with his thumb) Dijadidatjd. There.,JERRY,(leaning round Kramer) Where?
KRAMER,Over there. The Dominicans.,JERRY,Aren't they supposed to be rolling cigars?
KRAMER,"So, I taught 'em all about Cuba, and they really took to it. You know, Marxism, the Worker's Revolution, the clothing.",JERRY,"Boy, they seem pretty angry about something."
KRAMER,"(nervous) Yeah. I'm a little worried. When there's no work, and the people get restless, who do you think they come after? (pointing to himself, shrill) El Presidente!",JERRY,"I swear to you, I didn't know they TV was bolted to the table."
IZZY JR.,"I bet you pulled that trick on my daddy, in Florida.",JERRY,He couldn't handle the weight.
IZZY JR.,(indicating Izzy) You think you're better than him?!,JERRY,"(placatory) Look, let me just state for the record, I think you're both better than me."
IZZY JR.,My grandpa.,JERRY,"(incredulous) Oh, come on!"
IZZY SR.,(indicating Izzy Jr) What happened to him?,JERRY,He was trying to lift the TV.
IZZY SR.,(pointing) That TV?,JERRY,(consternation) Oh no. (to the bedridden two) It's go time.
IZZY/IZZY JR/IZZY IZZY SR.,"(chanting and punching the air) Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum...",JERRY,"Fellas, fellas, look, I gotta go."
IZZY,"Oh yeah, that's right. Go. Put us all in the hospital. And you've ruined our business with all your macho head games.",JERRY,(defensive) I didn't ruin your business.
IZZY,"Yes, you did. There's nobody there now at the Magic Pan to roll the crepes. We gotta close it up.",JERRY,(uncertain) Don't you hire people to do that?
IZZY,Each crepe has to be hand-rolled by a Mandelbaum. That's what puts the magic in Magic Pan!,JERRY,"(thinking) So, you just need some guys that could roll 'em?"
IZZY,Yeah.,JERRY,(having an idea) I think I can help you out. I'll see you later.
IZZY SR.,"(calls) Hey, I can't see the TV.",JERRY,Here.
ELAINE,(grabbing her bag and coat) Great. I'll wait for you outside.,JERRY,He was gonna fire you?
ELAINE,The only way I could talk him out of it was that I agreed to go and visit the Tunisian desert.,JERRY,Tunisia?
ELAINE,That's where they filmed the movie. It's supposed to inspire me.,JERRY,"Well, that doesn't sound so bad."
ELAINE,I have to live in a cave.,JERRY,(sardonic) Oh. (smiles)
DANIELLE,(concerned cry) Neil!,JERRY,Why are the crepes spraying?
GEORGE,"Oh, boy I was up to four in the morning watching the Omen trilogy.",JERRY,That's good stuff.
GEORGE,I can't to myself. I'm exhausted.,JERRY,Can you grab a nap at work.
ELAINE,Bye.,JERRY,So what are you doing now?
ELAINE,I'm going to take a little stroll through the park.,JERRY,With a gentleman caller?
ELAINE,"Yes, his name is Hal.",JERRY,The walking date is a good date. You don't have to look right at the other -person.
ELAINE,It's the next best thing to being alone.,JERRY,Shower?
ELAINE,"Oh, yeah, that's right. Those new kitchen cabinets. How is that coming?",JERRY,A little slow. I've got to hold this guy's hand on every little decision.
CONRAD,"Oh, Jerry are you okay with this hinge?",JERRY,Yeah.
CONRAD,"I can get you any kind you want, you know. Four holes, three holes, two holes, bronze, no hinge at all.",JERRY,"You know, why don't we just go with the one in your hand?"
CONRAD,"Oh, these are different.",JERRY,Drop one. . . . left!
GEORGE,"Jerry, look at my eyes.",JERRY,A little less beady today.
GEORGE,Because I'm REFRESHED. I finally found a way to sleep in my office. Under the desk. I lie on my back. I tuck in the chair. I'm invisible.,JERRY,Sounds like a really cool fort.
CONRAD,"Jerry, do you want a flat edge on this molding or do you want me to bevel it?",JERRY,I'll tell you what I would like you to do with it.
GEORGE,"Uh, let me ask you a question. Could you, uh, expand the space underneath a desk to give it a little more headroom?",JERRY,He's kind of tied up here.
CONRAD,"There is no normal, whatever jerry wants. He wants me here late, I'm here late, he wants me here early, I'm here early, he . . .",JERRY,Why don't you just work on George's project for a while?
CONRAD,Whatever you want.,JERRY,So how was Wednesday's walk in the park with Hal.
ELAINE,"Uh, it was okay,. He's coming over later to watch a movie. Hey listen, what's better for your back? Couch cushions or a folding chair?",JERRY,I don't know.
KRAMER,got problems Jerry.,JERRY,What happened?
KRAMER,Well I had been swimming for three hours and I was in a real grove so I decided to keep going. But at ten they start the aquasonics Thirty-five geriatrics throwing elbows. It was like I was swimming through a flabby armed spanking machine.,JERRY,How long did that last?
KRAMER,"A half hour then diving class started. Well that got a little messy. I gotta find a new place to swim 'cause that pooll can't hold me, Jerry.",JERRY,How was the movie?
ELAINE,I cancelled. Hal sent a mattress to my apartment. The nerve of that guy.,JERRY,Why?
ELAINE,He's got a back problem.,JERRY,So you think he was expecting a roll in the supportive hay.
KRAMER,"Oh, that's right.",JERRY,So what are you going to do with the mattress?
CONRAD,"Hi, Jerry I'm sorry I'm late. George and I have been up working all night long. I can make up the time in any number of ways.",JERRY,How about this? . . . Finish this thing up today!
CONRAD,Couple of questions for you.,JERRY,No. No more questions. Just figure it out for yourself and get it done.
CONRAD,All right Jerry. But I can figure it out myself any way you want.,JERRY,Just . . . do it.
KRAMER,Jer.,JERRY,Hi.
KRAMER,Well my swimming pool problems are solved. I just found myself miles and miles of open lanes.,JERRY,What is that smell?
KRAMER,That's East River.,JERRY,You're swimming in the East River? The most heavily trafficked overly contaminated waterway on the eastern seaboard?
KRAMER,Technically Norfok has more gross tonnage.,JERRY,How could you swim in that water?
KRAMER,I saw a couple of other guys out there.,JERRY,Swimming?
STEINBRENNER,"Oh, well, send them in. Send the little tykes in.  little people .. pony express  wow,",JERRY,(on phone) hello.
GEORGE,"Jerry, I'm trapped under my desk. Steinbrenner is in the room. You got to help[ me.",JERRY,Who is this?
GEORGE,?? get away??,JERRY,Why don't you just have him paged?
GEORGE,Can't you think of something. Call in a bomb threat.,JERRY,A bomb threat? Why would I call in a bomb threat?
GEORGE,Just CALL!,JERRY,I should have some reason.
ELAINE,"Jerry, Jerry.",JERRY,Yeah.
ELAINE,What the hell is this? Where are you?,JERRY,Over here. You can see right through here.
ELAINE,What is this. It's like you're selling movie tickets back here.,JERRY,It's kind of cozy.
ELAINE,"Hey, you're not going to believe what Kramer did to my mattress. . . . I can't talk to you like this. So Kramer completely funked up my mattress.",JERRY,Does it smell like the East River?
ELAINE,How did you know?,JERRY,Because Kramer has been swimming laps between the Queensborough bridge and the Brooklyn bridge.
KRAMER,It is very obtrusive.,JERRY,I don't think it's that bad.
KRAMER,You can't get a stool in here.,JERRY,No the stools go over there.
GEORGE,Fitted Hat Day! That's what you asked Steinbrenner for?,JERRY,You mean they're actually doing the fitted hats? Cool.
GEORGE,Guess who he put in charge of Fitted Hat Day? Me.,JERRY,Hey look at you.
GEORGE,"Yeah, look at me. Now I GOTTA FIGURE OUT THE HAT SIZES OF 59,000 DIFFERENT PEOPLE!! WHAT IF A PINHEAD SHOWS UP. I GOTTA BE ON TOP OF THAT.",JERRY,No knock offs. I want the ones like the real players wear.
GEORGE,??? KNOCK OFFS. I NOT GOING TO DO IT! AND YOU'RE GOING TO CALL STEINBRENNER BACK AND CANCEL THE WHOLE THING.,JERRY,Could you at least get a hat for me?
GEORGE,FINE? WHAT SIZE?,JERRY,Seven and five eighths
GEORGE,SEVEN AND FIVE EIGHTHS!!,JERRY,Why are you shouting?
STEINBRENNER,Hello are you the bomber?,JERRY,Yes this is the terrorist bomber.
STEINBRENNER,Costanza here is busting his ass on those hats.,JERRY,think I've changed my mind.
STEINBRENNER,Well what do you want instead?,JERRY,What?
STEINBRENNER,"Well, you're the terrorist. You're going to want something.",JERRY,I guess it would be nice if you called all the ticket holders if the game was going to be rained out.
CONRAD,You want it back the way it was?,JERRY,"Yeah, that's right."
CONRAD,"You know I don't get you Seinfeld. You want something one day. The next day you don't like it. Come on man, make a decision.",JERRY,One second. Hello.
ELAINE,Jerry you gotta help me. I threw my back out.,JERRY,Just lie down.
ELAINE,I am lying down. I am trapped under a funky mattress. I gotta go get a doctor or at least come over and roll this thing off of me.,JERRY,"All right. I'll be right there., Conrad I gotta go."
CONRAD,"Yeah, well, whatever. See ya'",JERRY,"Ah, back to normal. Not bad for four thousand bucks. . . . I can't believe I got the Low Fat!"
MARCY,"Oh, George.",JERRY,I saw it.
MARCY,How'd he look?,JERRY,Okay. I wouldn't see it again.
MARCY,"Oh, yada yada yada, just some bad egg salad. I'll be right back. (She gets up)",JERRY,"I noticed she's big on the phrase ""yada yada."""
GEORGE,"Is ""yada yada"" bad?",JERRY,"No, ""yada yada"" is good. She's very succinct."
GEORGE,She is succinct.,JERRY,"Yeah, it's like you're dating USA Today. (Tim the dentist enters Monk's)"
GEORGE,Hey.,JERRY,"Hey, George, you know Tim Whatley."
GEORGE,"Yeah, dentist of the stars.",JERRY,What's up?
TIM,I'll tell you what's up. I'm a Jew.,JERRY,Excuse me?
TIM,I'm a Jew. I finished converting two days ago.,JERRY,Well... (Thinking of something to say) Welcome aboard.
TIM,"Oh, well, I didn't do much. I just sat in the sauna. You know, it was more like a Jewish workout. I'll see ya. (Jerry and George give confused looks)",JERRY,"Elaine, the guy's Jewish two days, he's already making Jewish jokes."
ELAINE,"So what? When someone turns twenty-one, they usually get drunk the first night.",JERRY,Booze is not a religion.
ELAINE,"Tell that to my father. Anyway, guess what? Beth Lookner called me.",JERRY,"Ooh. Beth Lookner, still waitin' out hat marriage."
ELAINE,What are you talking about? That marriage ended six months ago. She's already remarried.,JERRY,I gotta get on that internet. I'm late on everything.
GEORGE,"Oh, you're in here.",JERRY,What're you doing here?
GEORGE,I knew you had an appointment.,JERRY,Well this is very awkward.
GEORGE,"I'll leave when the guy comes in. I gotta tell you, I am loving this yada yada thing. You know, I can cross over my whole life story. (Picks up dental tool)",JERRY,"Hey, you don't play with that. That's going in my mouth."
GEORGE,"Hey, what this thing? Whew!",JERRY,"All right, that's enough. Now get going. Get outta here. (Tim and his staff enter)"
GEORGE,"Hey, Tim. Quick question. Is it normal for your teeth to make noises, like a hissing or a chirping?",JERRY,George...
TIM,"All right, it is cavity time. Ah, here we go. Which reminds me, did you here the one about the rabbi and the farmer's daughter? Huh?",JERRY,Hey.
TIM,Those aren't mahtzah balls.,JERRY,"Tim, do you think you should be making jokes like that?"
TIM,"Why not? I'm Jewish, remember?",JERRY,"I know, but..."
TIM,"Jerry, it's our sense of humor that sustained us as a people for 3000 years.",JERRY,5000.
TIM,"5000, even better. Okay, Chrissie. Give me a schtickle of flouride.",JERRY,And then he asked the assistant for a schtickle of flouride.
ELAINE,Why are you so concerned about this?,JERRY,I'll tell you why. Because I believe Whatley converted to Judaism just for the jokes. (Phone rings)
PHONE,Would you be interested in a subscription to the New York Times?,JERRY,Yes. (Slams down phone. Kramer and Mickey enter)
MICKEY,"That's it, it's go time! (Charges toward Kramer, only to be held back by Jerry and Elaine)",JERRY,"All right, take it easy."
ELAINE,"Uh, you know, I just told them what kind people you are and, uh, yada yada yada, that is it.",JERRY,How you doing?
TIM,"Well, the Curtis, why don't you come in? (To Jerry) Father Curtis, good guy. Oh, which reminds me, did you hear the one about the Pope and Raquel Welch on the lifeboat, huh? I'll tell you later. (Exits)",JERRY,"Whatley. (Like ""Newman"")"
KRAMER,"All right, which one is Julie? (They walk over to the table and fight over who sits where) Hey, you ladies look lovely tonight. (Continue to struggle)",JERRY,"So Whatley sayd to me, ""Hey, I can make Catholic jokes, I used to be Catholic."""
ELAINE,"You see, I don't think it is a Catholic joke. I think it's more of a Raquel Welch joke. What was it? No, I said hand me the buoys. (Laughing) Bouys!",JERRY,"Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke telling immunity. He's already got the two big religions covered, if he ever gets Polish citizenship there'll be no stopping him."
ELAINE,So what're you gonna do?,JERRY,I think this Father Curtis might be very interested to hear what Whatley has the Pope doing with Raquel Welch.
ELAINE,"(Calling on phone) Hey, Beth, Arnie, it's Elaine. Um, thought you guys might wanna have lunch. Gimme a call. Bye.",JERRY,They're not getting a baby so you're taking them out to lunch?
ELAINE,Thought it would be nice.,JERRY,Poor Beth.
ELAINE,"Hey, Arnie's just as upset.",JERRY,Oh screw him! (George enters)
ELAINE,"Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisk, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.",JERRY,But you yada yada'd over the best part.
KRAMER,"Well, I gotta do somethin'.",JERRY,George is already in there.
KRAMER,"(Confused) No, Mickey and I, we can't work it out. You know, I'm thinking of asking that Karen out by myself.",JERRY,I thought you were leaning towards Julie.
MARCY,"Well, what about you? You told me that you were engaged. What was the rest of that? (Pause)",JERRY,"Excuse me, Mother?"
NUN,Sister.,JERRY,"Sister, right. Do you know when Father Curtis has office hours?"
NUN,Well not until tomorrow.,JERRY,"Hmm, I really need to speak with him."
FATHER,That's a kneeler.,JERRY,Oh. (Adjusts accordingly)
FATHER,"Tell me your sins, my son.",JERRY,Well I should tell you that I'm Jewish.
FATHER,That's no sin.,JERRY,"Oh good. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes."
FATHER,And this offends you as a Jewish person.,JERRY,"No, it offends me as a comedian. And it'll interest you that he's also telling Catholic jokes."
FATHER,Well.,JERRY,"And they're old jokes. I mean, the Pope and Raquel Welch in a lifeboat."
FATHER,I haven't heard that one.,JERRY,"Oh, I'm sure you have. They're out on the ocean and, yada yada yada, and she says, ""Those aren't buoys."" (Father starts laughing) Father..."
FATHER,"One second... Well, if it would make you feel better I could speak to Dr. Whatley. I have to go back and have a wisdom teeth removed.",JERRY,You know the difference between a dentist and a sadist don't you?
FATHER,Um...,JERRY,Newer magazines.
ELAINE,"See, again with the yelling. Not a fan of the yelling.",JERRY,"(In pain) Oh, are you about done?"
TIM,I'm just getting warmed up. Because I'm just a sadist with newer magazines.,JERRY,Huh?
TIM,Father Curtis told me about your little joke.,JERRY,What about all your Jewish jokes?
TIM,"I'm Jewish, you're not a dentist. You have no idea what my people have been through.",JERRY,The Jews?
TIM,"No, the dentists. You know, we have the highest suicide rate of any profession?",JERRY,Is that why it's so hard to get an appointment?
KRAMER,"So, I'll uh... all right. (Hangs up)",JERRY,Date with Karen?
KRAMER,"No, Julie. She's the one.",JERRY,What happened to Karen?
KRAMER,"Well, Mickey and her have a lot more in common. you know her parents are little people?",JERRY,"Oh, small world. So little people can have not little people children?"
KRAMER,"Oh yeah, and vice versa. Mother Nature's a mad scientist, Jerry.",JERRY,So you won't believe what happened with Whatley today. It got back to hime that I made this little dentist joke and he got all offended. Those people can be so touchy.
KRAMER,"Those people, listen to yourself.",JERRY,What?
KRAMER,"You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else, in search of a dream.",JERRY,"Kramer, he's just a dentist."
KRAMER,"Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.",JERRY,I am not an anti-dentite!
KRAMER,"You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. ""Hey, denty!"" Next thing you know you're saying they should have their own schools.",JERRY,They do have their own schools!
BETH,"Jerry, I'm sorry to bother you, but you always said you'd be there for me.",JERRY,"Well, what's wrong?"
BETH,I'm thinking of leaving Arnie.,JERRY,Talk to me.
BETH,"He met with Elaine, and I asked him what happened, and he yada yada'd me. I mean, could he be having an affair?",JERRY,"Well, I wouldn't put anything past anybody."
BETH,But we just got married.,JERRY,Well obviously that was a mistake. You need to forget about Arnie. The important thing is you're moving on.
BETH,Why would Elaine do that to me?,JERRY,"Forget about Elaine. Let's just focus on us. Come on, big hug. (Mickey and Karen enter)"
MICKEY,Hey Jerry. Where's Kramer? I've got exciting news.,JERRY,I'm kinda in the middle of something.
MICKEY,Karen and I are getting married.,JERRY,"Oh, congratulations. Her marriage just fell apart."
ELAINE,Hey Jerry. What are you doing here with Beth?,JERRY,Beth and Arnie broke up.
ELAINE,So they don't want a baby?,JERRY,(Shaking his head no) Pff.
ELAINE,(Realizes her mistake) I think I'm gonna be sick. (George enters alone),JERRY,"Hey, where's Marcy?"
GEORGE,"She, uh, went shopping for some shoes for the wedding and, yada yada yada, I'll see her in six to eight months. (Kramer and Julie enter)",JERRY,"Hey, Kramer, over here."
KRAMER,I just assume not sit next to you.,JERRY,"Kramer... Oh look, there's Mickey and his parents."
ELAINE,Nice looking family.,JERRY,Very handsome.
JULIE,"Oh Mickey. Excuse me, I can't take this. (She exits quickly)",JERRY,"Hi, Mr. Abbott."
BETH,What was that all about?,JERRY,"Oh, I said something about dentists and it got blown all out of proportion."
BETH,"Hey, what do you call a doctor who fails out of med school?",JERRY,What?
BETH,A dentist. (They laugh),JERRY,That's a good one. Dentists.
ELAINE,Where's Beth?,JERRY,She went out to get her head shaved.
FATHER,We are gathered her today to unite this couple in holy... matrimony.,JERRY,Those wisdom teeth are tough to get out.
VALERIE,Ready to go? I don't wanna miss the previews.,JERRY,"Me neither. I love the previews. In fact I enjoy being in the theatre cut up(?). Last week after a preview, I yelled out 'Must miss'."
VALERIE,"I think that I was in that theatre. That, that was really funny.",JERRY,"Yeah, it got a good laugh. Let me just check my messages before we go."
GEORGE,So you're on the speed dial?,JERRY,After two dates!
GEORGE,What number?,JERRY,Seven.
KRAMER,"Uh, hey buddy.",JERRY,Hey.
KRAMER,It all right if I keep these here for a while? I'm having a New Year's Eve party.,JERRY,You're gonna keep these here for eight months?!
KRAMER,"No, Jerry. New Year's Eve nineteen ninety-nine. The millennium. I told you about that.",JERRY,"Kramer, you're gonna leave these chairs here for two and a half years?!"
GEORGE,"Hey, so get this. I get a call this morning from one of the Mets front office guys. They wanna take me out to lunch.",JERRY,What for?
GEORGE,"(smiling) I'm on a winning ball club, Jerry. They probably wanna pick my brains.",JERRY,"Really, why d'you think they're taking you out to lunch?"
ELAINE,"Alright, I have had it with those Mayans.",JERRY,I don't mind the Mayans.
KRAMER,"Yeah, I'm gonna keep these here too, huh? They'll be alright. (begins to leave)",JERRY,"Kramer, these balloons aren't gonna stay filled till New Year's!"
MINKLER,(serious) We didn't say that.,JERRY,Hi. Sorry I'm late. There's a lotta chairs and balloons in my apartment. How 'bout I make it up to you with dinner?
VALERIE,(pointedly) Someplace nice this time?,JERRY,"Yeah, I'm sorry about that Mongolian barbecue last night. I'd heard good things."
VALERIE,"(rising) I don't know, got a two in Zagat's.",JERRY,Lemme just check my messages. (to himself) Maybe a nicer girl called.
VOICE (O.C.),Hello?,JERRY,Hello? Who's this?
VOICE (O.C.),Jane. What number did you dial?,JERRY,Seven?
GEORGE,...meet the Mets. Come on in and greet the Mets.,JERRY,Good meeting?
GEORGE,"There was no meeting. (gets one of the folding chairs) But it was quite a meeting. You are looking at the next director of Mets scouting. The only thing is, I have to get fired from the Yankees first.",JERRY,You can do that.
GEORGE,"Of course. But I really wanna leave my mark this time, you know, uh. I wanna walk away from the Yankees with people saying 'Wow! Now that guy got canned!'",JERRY,So you want to go out in a final blaze of incompetence?
KRAMER,You think people will still be using napkins in the year two-thousand? Or is this mouth-vacuum thing for real?,JERRY,"So, George..."
GEORGE,Yeah.,JERRY,"(rising) I had like a so-so date with Valerie, now I'm number nine on the speed-dial."
GEORGE,So?,JERRY,So? I used to be seven. I dropped two spots.
GEORGE,"What, she's ranking you?",JERRY,"Yeah, this speed-dial's like a relationship barometer."
VALERIE,"(pleased) Oh, flowers. You didn't have to do that. I mean, the dinner, and the play, and the hansom cab ride.",JERRY,"Well, I just wanted to... (breaks off) You forgot the gift certificate to Barnes and Noble."
VALERIE,Oh.,JERRY,"(resumes) ...you know, make a good impression."
VALERIE,I'm gonna go put these in some water.,JERRY,I like the way you think.
KRAMER,"So Jerry, my millennium party's really coming together. Will people be able to breathe underwater in the year two-thousand?",JERRY,Some of us.
KRAMER,(crumpling a piece of paper) I don't wanna exclude anybody.,JERRY,Hola.
ELAINE,Shove it!,JERRY,What is all this?
ELAINE,"I got all this junk at Cinqo de Mayo, because I was trying to show Putumayo how much business they'd lost. I mean, I been dancing (demonstrates dance) and strutting in front of their store for two days.",JERRY,"Ah, no wonder we're getting so much rain."
KRAMER,"(reads) Come celebrate the millennium, with Newmanniun. Newman!",JERRY,Hi Valerie.
MRS HAMILTON,"It's taken me thirteen years to climb up to the top of that speed-dial, and I don't intend to lose my spot to you.",JERRY,"But, I never..."
STEINBRENNER,"Hey, how 'bout some lunch. What're you going for?",JERRY,"You know uh, Valerie, I uh, couldn't help but notice that I'm on your speed-dial."
VALERIE,You deserve it.,JERRY,"But I can't help thinking that maybe there's someone in your life who deserves it more. Someone you've known, you know, more than a week."
VALERIE,"My stepmother got to you, didn't she?",JERRY,What? No.
VALERIE,"Uuh, I can't believe she did this again. That's it! She's off the speed-dial completely!",JERRY,Yikes!
NEWMAN,"That he may be. But he's outta my life, starting in the year two-thousand. For me, the next millennium must be, Jerry-free!",JERRY,How could they not fire you?
GEORGE,Never thought I'd fail at failing.,JERRY,"Aw, come on there now."
GEORGE,(depressed) Feel like I can't do anything wrong.,JERRY,Nonsense. You do everything wrong.
GEORGE,(hopeful) Everything?,JERRY,Everything.
GEORGE,You really think so?,JERRY,Absolutely. I have no confidence in you.
GEORGE,"Alright. I guess I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and throw myself right back down again!",JERRY,That's the spirit. You suck!
ELAINE,"Ah, this really sticks in my craw.",JERRY,"Well, Mrs Hamilton, it's certainly nice that you and Valerie patched things up, so we could all get together like this. Where is Valerie?"
MRS HAMILTON,"I'm sure she'll be along. (handing over a glass) Have some wine, Jerome.",JERRY,Okay.
MRS HAMILTON,"You know Jerome, I can understand what Valerie sees in you. So attractive, so strong, so comedic.",JERRY,"Uh, good."
MRS HAMILTON,"Jerome, I have a deliciously naughty idea.",JERRY,(nervous) What?
MRS HAMILTON,Why don't I put you on my speed-dial?,JERRY,"I don't know, Mrs Hamilton. That doesn't sound..."
MRS HAMILTON,"Don't be such a child, Jerome. How's number three sound?",JERRY,"Valerie's not coming over, is she?"
MRS HAMILTON,"Seven, four...",JERRY,No...
MRS HAMILTON,Two...,JERRY,"Stop, stop. This isn't right. What about Valerie?"
MRS HAMILTON,I won't tell if you don't.,JERRY,(leaving hurriedly) Wuhh...
KOREN (O.C.),"Alright, Yankees, two. Orioles, nothing. Wait a minute! A short stocky bald man is streaking across the field.",JERRY,"Oh my God, George!"
KOREN (O.C.),"Check that. He's not streaking. He's wearing a flesh-tone body-stocking. Apparently, he's a bit bashful, and oddly, no-one seems upset.",JERRY,"Kramer, look, it's George."
KRAMER,"Yeah, yeah, I know. (he clicks off the TV) Listen, Jerry, I can't let you come to my New Year's party.",JERRY,(neutral) Fine.
KRAMER,"(agitated) I mean, it's killing me! Newman's got the jump on the invites, and will crush me if I try to go it alone!",JERRY,(neutral) No problem.
KRAMER,Can do.,JERRY,What're you doing with a pricing-gun?
ELAINE,That place is about to have the sale of the century. Nothing over ninety-nine cents.,JERRY,(to himself) Still a rip-off.
VALERIE,"Jerry, I was just at my stepmom's house, and I saw that you were on her speed-dial.",JERRY,"Uh, well, she uh, probably just wanted to be able to keep tabs on you."
MRS HAMILTON,(seductive) Hi Jerome.,JERRY,"Oh, Mrs Hamilton, this is a very bad time. I've got Valerie on the other line. Just a second."
VALERIE,"That's her on the other line, isn't it?",JERRY,Well...
VALERIE,Tell her I don't want you on her speed-dial.,JERRY,Hang on.
MRS HAMILTON,"I won't, until she puts me back on hers.",JERRY,Hang on.
VALERIE,Fine. But only if you're off hers.,JERRY,Hang on.
VALERIE,"No, still me.",JERRY,Sorry. Hang on.
MRS HAMILTON,"I won't do it. It's my speed-dial, and I don't trust her.",JERRY,"Please, Mrs Hamilton, this is very awkward for me."
MRS HAMILTON,(conspiratorial) Alright. I'll hide you in one of the emergency buttons.,JERRY,"(hurried) Great, bye."
VALERIE,Great.,JERRY,Hang on.
KRAMER,"I don't know what Elaine is so upset about. I mean, without dessicates, those clothes'll be noticeably musty in five years.",JERRY,She never sees the big picture.
NEWMAN,"(reluctant) You don't wanna do your... act, or anything, do you?",JERRY,No.
KRAMER,(grasps Newman's hand) To the Kramennium.,JERRY,"By the way Newman, I'm just curious. When you booked the hotel, did you book it for the millennium New Year?"
NEWMAN,"(smug) As a matter of fact, I did.",JERRY,"Oh, that's interesting, because as everyone knows, since there was no year zero, the millennium doesn't begin until the year two-thousand and one. Which would make your party, one year late, and thus, quite lame."
VALERIE,I'll call for help.,JERRY,Hello?
VALERIE,Who's this?,JERRY,It's Jerry. Who's this?
VALERIE,"Uh, it's Valerie.",JERRY,"Oh, hi Valerie. What's up?"
VALERIE,"I'll tell you what's up. My stepmother is violently ill, so I hit the button for poison control and I get you!",JERRY,"Wow, poison control? That's even higher than number one!"
GEORGE,Yeah. No problem.,JERRY,Let's go.
GEORGE,"Woah, I gotta watch this guy's bag.",JERRY,For how long?
GEORGE,I'm sure he'll be back in a second.,JERRY,Come on.
GEORGE,Where are you going?,JERRY,I'm going to be this guy's friend.
GEORGE,Yeah. I did some shopping. Some new clothes shopping. (turns to a man) Can I borrow your menu?,JERRY,"Strange. For new pants, there's noticable wear on the buttocks of those chinos. Wait those are the clothes from the bag!"
GEORGE,The guy never came back.,JERRY,He asked you to watch them not wear them.
GEORGE,I'm still watching them.,JERRY,You look like a tourist.
GEORGE,"All right, let me ask you something When do you start to worry about ear hair?",JERRY,When you hear like a soft russeling.
GEORGE,"It's like puberty that never stops. Ear puberty, nose puberty, knuckle puberty, you gotta be vigilent. Let me ask you this Do you know where Walker Street is downtown? I've got a league meeting there.",JERRY,"Oh right, the new job, how is it?"
GEORGE,"I love it. New office, new salary. I'm the new Wilhelm.",JERRY,So who's the new you?
GEORGE,They got a new intern from Francis Louis High. His name is Keith. He comes in Mondays after school.,JERRY,Oh hi Alex.
ALEX,I'm sorry I'm late. Have you ordered yet?,JERRY,No.
GEORGE,Where are you meeting these women? When they get off the bus at the port authority?,JERRY,"Right here, George. In here. (pointing to his chest) Try opening this up. You'll find the biggest dating scene in the world."
KRAMER,"He Jerry, I'm going to waldenbooks.",JERRY,(yelling) Get out! Get out! I don't want to live like this.
MARY ANNE,Ooh.,JERRY,Hmm. That looks new.
KRAMER,So get this. Peterman has his henchmen forcefully eject me from the book signing like I'm some kind of a maniac.,JERRY,(uncomfortably) Yeah that's too bad.
KRAMER,What's the matter with you?,JERRY,(uncomfortably) Nothing.
KRAMER,"No, no, no. Don't give me that. I know you. Something's wrong. What is it.",JERRY,I did something stupid.
KRAMER,What did you do?,JERRY,"Well I was shaving. And I noticed an asymmetry in my chest hair and I was trying to even it out. Next thing I knew, (high pitched voice) Gone."
KRAMER,Don't you know you're not supposed to poke around down there.,JERRY,Well women do it.
KRAMER,"(high pitched voice) ""Well women do it."" I'll tell you what. I'll pick you up a sundress and a parasol and you can just (high pitched voice) sashey your pretty little self around the town square.",JERRY,Well what am I going to tell Alex?
KRAMER,Listen to me. You don't tell anybody about this. No one. You hear me?,JERRY,Um hum.
KRAMER,"Hey, Jerry shaved his chest.",JERRY,Hey!
ALEX,How about the beach this weekend?,JERRY,You couldn't pay me enough to go to the beach on a weekend. I mean it's hard enough...
ALEX,"All right. All right. Wow is that a Mexican Hairless? Oh, I love those. Ooh, Hairless. This is where it's at. It's so much smoother and cleaner.",JERRY,Really?
ELAINE,Mr Lippman?,JERRY,So you're pretending to be a tourist?
GEORGE,"It's beautiful. She makes all the plans. I'm not from around here so it's okay if I'm stupid, and she knows I'm only in town visiting so there's no messy breakup",JERRY,How do you explain your apartment?
GEORGE,I got a hotel room.,JERRY,you moved into a hotel?
GEORGE,Well I don't know anyone here Jerry. Where else am I going to stay?,JERRY,So get this we're in the park today Alex goes wild for this hairless dog.
GEORGE,So?,JERRY,So. I figure since she likes one hairless animal why not another.
GEORGE,Oh really. You tell her you shaved it?,JERRY,Are you nuts? I don't want her to think I'm one of those low-rise briefs guys who shaves his chest.
GEORGE,Reality tour?,JERRY,The last thing this guy's qualified to give a tour of is reality.
MARY ANNE,"(laughs) George, no offense. But this city would eat you alive.",JERRY,You're moving to New York? That's fantastic. I can see you all the time now.
GEORGE,"Eat me alive, huh? We'll see who can make it in *this* town.",JERRY,What is it she think you can't do?
GEORGE,Find a job. Get an apartment.,JERRY,How did you do those things?
GEORGE,"Never mind. The're done. All I have to do now is redo them. You know if you take everything I've ever done in my entire life and condense it down into one day, it looks decent.",JERRY,"Hey, what were you doing with that bus yesterday?"
KRAMER,"Here you go, here you go, check it out.",JERRY,"""The Real Peterman Reality Bus Tour"". I'm confused."
KRAMER,Peterman's book is big business. People want to know the stories behind the stories.,JERRY,Nobody wants to go on a three hour bus tour of a totally unknown person's life.
KRAMER,Understand?,JERRY,Yeah. $37.50 for a Three Musketeers.
KRAMER,Hey Jerry. What is this? Lady Gillette? What's going on?,JERRY,What? Can't I get a moment's peace?
KRAMER,What are you doing to yourself?,JERRY,I can't stop. Alex thinks I'm naturally hairless.
KRAMER,"You can't keep this up. Don't you know what's going to happen? Everytime you shave it, it's going to come in thicker and fuller and darker.",JERRY,Oh that's an old wives tale.
KRAMER,(high pitched voice) Look at it! Look at it! And it's all me. I shaved there when I was a lifeguard.,JERRY,Oh come on. That's genetics. That's not going to happen to me.
KRAMER,"Ahh. Everyone just settle down. We have three hours left on this thing, and I can't drive and argue with you rubes all at the same time. Okay. Lomez's place of worship is right on the right here.",JERRY,Why do I have to go on the tour?
KRAMER,"Jerry you're a minor celebrity. If you go on this thing, it could create a minor stir. Bring that girlfriend of your and I'll only charge to 60 bucks.",JERRY,"Hey, how's business?"
ALEX,"You know when you make a pizza bagel, you really shouldn't use cinnimon rasin.",JERRY,You also shouldn't use a donut.
TAPE PLAYER,Turn music off.,JERRY,Can we just go?
KRAMER,And we're off.,JERRY,"You know I never though he would be able to recreate the experience of actually knowing him, but this is pretty close."
ALEX,"You have a pretty heavy beard, don't you?",JERRY,What's that?
ALEX,Well look it's almost time for you to shave again.,JERRY,Oh. Yeah.
MAN,These clothes. The ones you're wearing.,JERRY,(in low voice to next to Kramer) Kramer how much longer? My chest hair is comming back and it's itching me like crazy. I can't let her see me scratch it.
KRAMER,Don't worry. I've got a good feeling about this dump.,JERRY,"I'm telling you man, I'm losing it."
KRAMER,Jerry what's the matter?,JERRY,"(for the first half of the howl, a dog howls along with him.) Awoooooo-oooooooo, that feels good."
"(Newman goes to the back room with the muffin stumps and sets down a cooler and an empty glass. From the cooler he takes out 4 bottles of milk and sets them down. He bites into a stump, then takes a drink of milk from the glass. (continuity error",he never actually poured the glass of milk.) He swishes the muffin and the milk together and swollows. He takes another stump.),JERRY,"Nah, you had a good run. Took them to the World Series."
GEORGE,I got to give the players most of the credit for that.,JERRY,"Don't sell yourself short. You made all the flight arrangements, hotels, busses."
GEORGE,"No, I don't know who was doing that.",JERRY,"So, when you actually did work, what it was that you did?"
LANETTE,"Here you go. Your latt, your cappuccino.",JERRY,Maybe I should ask her out?
GEORGE,She is a good waitress.,JERRY,That's true. Maybe I take her to the Tony's.
GEORGE,You're going to the Tony's?,JERRY,"Yeah, I wrote some jokes to the show and they gave me two tickets."
GEORGE,Why didn't you ask me? I know a million theater jokes. 'What's the deal with those guys down in the pit?',JERRY,They're musicians. That's not a joke.
GEORGE,Severance package...The Yankees are giving me three months full pay for doing nothing.,JERRY,They did it for three years. What's another few months.
GEORGE,I'm really going to do something with these three months.,JERRY,Like what?
GEORGE,I'm gonna read a book. From beginning to end. In that order.,JERRY,I've always wanted to do that...
GEORGE,I'm gonna play frolf.,JERRY,You mean golf?
ELAINE,It's like she's carrying invisible suitcases.,JERRY,Like this? (imitates the walk)
ELAINE,"Yes, exactly.",JERRY,That's so strange.
ELAINE,Right. So why I'm the one who gets 'reer'. You know I mean they were being as catty as I was. It's a double standard.,JERRY,"Oh, what about 'ladies night'? Women admitted free before 10?"
ELAINE,That is so stupid.,JERRY,Reer.
GEORGE,"Hey, 'The White Shadow' is on...",JERRY,"Boy, your really packing it all in."
GEORGE,"Jerry, my vacation just started. I need a day or two to de-compress. Besides, I did plenty today.",JERRY,Like what?
KRAMER,"Hey Jerry, you got any Tums?",JERRY,Stomach ache?
KRAMER,I drank too much water in the shower.,JERRY,"Aah, top of the fridge. Hey George, I'm taking that waitress to the Tony's."
KRAMER,Roger that.,JERRY,Where are you sitting?
KRAMER,"Mickey, Mickey he hooked me up. He's a member of the academy.",JERRY,What academy?
LANETTE,Hi!,JERRY,Hi!
LANETTE,Nice tuxedo.,JERRY,"Thanks, it's a breakaway."
LANETTE,Should we go?,JERRY,Absolutely.
LYLE,"Hey, how you doing?",JERRY,Ok...
LYLE,Have a good time.,JERRY,"Thanks, Lyle..."
KRAMER,"You know, if they catch two of us on TV, you got some explaining to do.",JERRY,"So, you and Lyle are roommates?"
LANETTE,No.,JERRY,Gay?
LANETTE,What?,JERRY,Is he gay?
LANETTE,No.,JERRY,Are you sure?
LANETTE,I think I would know.,JERRY,(to himself) This is a new one.
GEORGE,She had a dude?,JERRY,"Yeah, when I went to pick her up there was this dude."
GEORGE,How do you know it was her dude?,JERRY,What do you think it could've been just some dude?
GEORGE,"Sure, dudes in this town are dime a dozen.",JERRY,I reckon.
GEORGE,"Or maybe, she just wanted to go to the Tony's. I tell you what; you ask her out again. No Tony, just Jerry. That way you know it he was her dude or just some dude.",JERRY,Dude!
GEORGE,"All right, that's enough. I gotta go home and take a nap.",JERRY,It's 1030 in the morning?
GEORGE,I tell you; I'm wiped.,JERRY,"So, has the summer of George already started or are you still de-composing?"
KRAMER,"Whooa, good morning gentleman and Tony says hello to you.",JERRY,You didn't give that thing back?
KRAMER,"Jerry, it was a whirlwind. They whisked us backstage, the media is sworming, champagne is flowing...whooo! I can't describe how great it is to win.",JERRY,That's because you didn't win.
KRAMER,Featuring the mind-blowing performance of Ms. Raquel Welch!,JERRY,You haven't even seen it.
ELAINE,"Well, you seem to be getting a hang of it...",JERRY,Hi!
LANETTE,"Sorry, I'm running late. I just lost track of time.",JERRY,No rush.
LYLE,"Hey, Jerry! What's up?",JERRY,(to himself) I have absolutely no idea.
GEORGE,Who's that?,JERRY,It's Kramer.
GEORGE,Hey Kramer.,JERRY,George says hi.
GEORGE,How's that Tony?,JERRY,Why don't you just come over?
GEORGE,Why can't we do this on the phone? What's Kramer doing now?,JERRY,He's looking on to fridgerator.
GEORGE,Kramer. Anything good in there? Any Popsicles?,JERRY,I can't do this.
KRAMER,"So, what's George doing?",JERRY,He's not doing anything. Goodbye!
KRAMER,"So listen, I'm going to crab a bite to eat at Sardi's. You wanna go?",JERRY,Are you taking the Tony to Sardi's?
KRAMER,The Tony is taking me to Sardi's.,JERRY,"Oh, hello."
KRAMER,"Oh, thank you, thank you so much. I have so many people I want to thank and don't want to forget anyone...",JERRY,"All right, all right."
LANETTE,"Jerry, I just want to let you know; Lyle and I are completely over. I'd rather be with you.",JERRY,Just me? No dudes or fellas?
LANETTE,What you think?,JERRY,I can start right away.
ELAINE,"Oh, no please Mr. Peterman, she's crazy! (Sam walks by and Elaine starts to sing) Crazy for feelings...",JERRY,I can't believe how much we did this afternoon. I have friends who this would've be their whole life.
LANETTE,"Now, what time are you picking me up tonight?",JERRY,"Eh, what?"
LANETTE,"You got our reservation from Sfuzi's, didn't you?",JERRY,"Oh yeah, Sfuzi? I- I've gotta do that."
LANETTE,Should I ware the outfit I bought today?,JERRY,Sure.
LANETTE,Which one?,JERRY,The one with the...(mumbles.)
LANETTE,"If I wanna get my hair cut I've gotta go now. Call me when you get home. I wont be there, but leave a message so I know you called.",JERRY,"Ok, ok..."
LANETTE,Do you mind?,JERRY,"No, I'll crab it."
GEORGE,"Hey, I've done that today.",JERRY,"What, did you lose your remote?"
GEORGE,"Nah, the cable's out. What's with you? You look dead.",JERRY,It's Lanette! I need an assistant or intern or something.
GEORGE,"(Laughs) Relationship intern...hey, what if two of us teamed up?",JERRY,Not.
GEORGE,"No, no...",JERRY,"No, because that's..."
GEORGE,"No, listen; we are always sitting here, I am always helping you with your girl problems and you are helping me with my girl problems. Where do we end up?",JERRY,Here.
GEORGE,Exactly! Because neither one of us can't handle a woman all by ourselves.,JERRY,I'm trying.
GEORGE,"I've tried. We don't have it. But maybe the two of us, working together at full capacity, could do the job of one normal man.",JERRY,Then each of us would only have be like a half man. That sounds about right!
MALCOLM,"No, we want you to fire her.",JERRY,Why they want you to fire Raquel Welch?
KRAMER,"Because they're terrified of her. I heard from someone that when they cut one of her lines, she climbed up the rope on side of the stage and started dropping lights on peoples heads. Story like that has got to be true.",JERRY,She seems very nice.
KRAMER,"Jerry, you're not in show business. You don't know what these people are like.",JERRY,I'm in show business.
KRAMER,"Oh, come on! What am I gonna do? She's going to eat me alive.",JERRY,I've got a tape of 'Fantastic voyage' if you think that would help.
ELAINE,She must've got a blueprint of the building or something.,JERRY,Did you tell Peterman about this?
KRAMER,Yeye cat fight!,JERRY,Because men think if women are grabbing and clawing at each other there's a chance they might somehow kiss.
KRAMER,T-t-t-t...,JERRY,You got the tickets?
GEORGE,"Yeah, two for the 715 of Novaj pravas (?). What you're wearing the green sweater?",JERRY,I like it.
GEORGE,"She doesn't like. Here is your blue one, it's her favorite. (Takes sweater out of his bag.)",JERRY,What?
GEORGE,"Just put it on! All right now, remember she had her nails done today so remark how you like the color. And if you need me you beep me, all right. Here you go, hey, hey, hey, hey...(sprays Binaca into Jerry's mouth.) Go get'em you're a tiger!",JERRY,"Hey George, one second, she's having a party friday night and she wants me to take care of the invitations."
GEORGE,A little notice would've helped! How many people?,JERRY,"35, and George, on the invitations..."
LANETTE,"Right on time, I like that.",JERRY,"I like your nails, that is a great color."
LANETTE,Love the sweater.,JERRY,This old thing?
GUY,"Ok, come on.",JERRY,"Ok, let's towel it up."
LANETTE,"Jerry, where are those invitations you were supposed to get? If they don't go out today they're useless.",JERRY,But we're in towels.
LANETTE,Jerry.,JERRY,all right. One second.
GEORGE,Hello.,JERRY,"George, where are those invitations? You were supposed to leave them with her doorman!"
LANETTE,Did you shave your chest hair?,JERRY,No. (Lanette leaves.) Did you at least pick them up?
GEORGE,"Yeah, the super glossy. The best they had.",JERRY,"Ok, get them over here pronto. We're in towels here George."
GEORGE,"All right, All right, keep your towel on.",JERRY,...what?
GEORGE,It's a joke.,JERRY,"All right, that's not bad. Now get over here!"
KRAMER,So how's George?,JERRY,I don't know. They don't tell me anything. What's that? (Kramer holds a broken Tony)
KRAMER,Tony.,JERRY,What happened to you?
KRAMER,Raquel Welch!,JERRY,Yikes.
ELAINE,"Yeah, I bumped in to her on the street. It got pretty ugly.",JERRY,Cat fight with Raquel Welch.
GEORGE,I slipped on the invitations...how's the towels?,JERRY,Back on the rack.
GEORGE,With the two of us?,JERRY,I think we're still a man short.
ELAINE,"All right, well...you want to grab some coffee?",JERRY,Yeah...
GEORGE,What is Holland?,JERRY,"(also wearing a moustache) What do you mean, 'what is it?' It's a country right next to Belgium."
GEORGE,"No, that's the Netherlands.",JERRY,Holland *is* the Netherlands.
GEORGE,Then who are the Dutch?,JERRY,(picking at his moustache) You know I cannot stand this thing anymore.
GEORGE,"I know, I hate it too. I feel like an out of work porn star.",JERRY,"I told you, we should have taken some kind of vacation."
GEORGE,Well why didn't we?,JERRY,Because you said this would be better. Remember? A vacation from ourselves. That's what you said.
GEORGE,What if we grew muttonchops?,JERRY,No.
GEORGE,Buzz cuts? Parachute pants!,JERRY,"Stop it, George. Stop it. I'm sorry, you've gotta get a job."
GEORGE,"Hey hey hey, check me out, huh?",JERRY,"No more crutches, that must be a relief."
GEORGE,"Yeah, with crutches everyone has questions.",JERRY,Not with a cane?
GEORGE,"Nah, with crutches it's a funny story, with a cane it's a sad story. You through with those?",JERRY,"That is a sad story. Hey, you should have been here tonight. Some guy from NBC saw my set, he wants me to do a showcase. I might have another shot at a pilot."
GEORGE,"Alright, we're back in!",JERRY,We? No.
BANIA,"Thank you, thank you, (To Jerry) Hey, Jerry, did ya see me up there? I was killing, Jerry. Killing. I killed.",JERRY,Killed?
BANIA,"Killed. (pause) I'm gonna go pick up some chicks. Good-looking ones, too! (walking away) Hey, what's your name?",JERRY,"Yeah, killed. Because I killed first and warmed up the crowd. He's like that fish that attaches himself to the shark."
GEORGE,And you're the shark?,JERRY,"Yeah, I'm the shark and he's the fish eating my laughs."
GEORGE,I don't know how a fish could eat laughs.,JERRY,"Well, I'm glad I brought it up."
KRAMER,You got any shredded coconut?,JERRY,"(looking at Kramer's moustache) Uh, we're not doing that anymore."
GEORGE,(on the phone) Oh my God.,JERRY,What?
GEORGE,I got a job interview. They want to see me this afternoon.,JERRY,So what's this job?
GEORGE,"Oh, it's beautiful. It's in sports.",JERRY,Knicks? Rangers?
GEORGE,Playground equipment.,JERRY,Welcome back to the show.
KRAMER,"Yeah, this is better. So, you got any shredded coconut?",JERRY,No.
KRAMER,D-d-d-d. I gotta switch shaving creams. I'm getting no protection.,JERRY,What kind do you use?
KRAMER,Whatever you get.,JERRY,"(nods) Look, postcard from Elaine from Europe."
KRAMER,Don't tell me she's dragging another poor guy across Europe.,JERRY,Remember David Puddy?
KRAMER,"Oh, the face-painting auto mechanic. So she's dating him again, huh?",JERRY,"Well, I guess she's batted around and she's back at the top of the order."
KRAMER,"Hey, what are you doing?",JERRY,"Oh, I'm taking this lace out. It came undone and touched the floor of a men's room. That's the end of that."
KRAMER,Did you see Bania's set last night? 'Cause I read on the Internet he killed.,JERRY,He killed. He only does well when he has me for a lead-in. He's a time slot hit.
KRAMER,"Jerry, you gotta give him some credit. (starts rubbing a stick of Jerry's butter across his face) You're just being totally ridiculous. (keeps rubbing) I'll see you later buddy.",JERRY,"Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute."
KRAMER,What?,JERRY,Do I have to ask?
KRAMER,"I ran out of butter so I had to borrow yours. Anything else, Mr. Nosy?",JERRY,Why are you buttering your face?
KRAMER,I'm shaving with it.,JERRY,Oh Moses smell the roses.
KRAMER,"Jerry, it's vastly superior to any commercial shaving cream. The shave is close and clean, and the natural emolients keep my skin silky-smooth. Now feel my face.",JERRY,No.
KRAMER,Feel it.,JERRY,I don't want to.
KRAMER,Feel it. Feel it.,JERRY,(places two slices of bread against Kramer's face) That is close.
GEORGE,"(Thomassoulo helps George get up) Yeah, what the hell.",JERRY,You got the job?
GEORGE,"Jerry, it's fantastic. I love the people over there. They- they treat me so great. You know they think I'm handicapped, they gave me this incredible office, a great view.",JERRY,"Hold on, they think you're handicapped?"
GEORGE,"Yeah, yeah, well, because of the cane. You should see the bathroom they gave me!",JERRY,How can you do this?
GEORGE,"Jerry, let's face it, I've always been handicapped. I'm just now getting the recognition for it. Name one thing I have that puts me in a position of advantage. Huh? There was a guy that worked at the Yankees-- no arms! He got more work done than I did, made more money, had a wife, a family, drove a better car than I did.",JERRY,He drove a car with no arms?
GEORGE,"All right, I made up the part about the car, but the rest is true. And he hated me anyway!",JERRY,Do you know how hard it's getting just to tell people I know you?
KRAMER,"I'm shaving with it, and you know what I discovered?",JERRY,You can eat it?
KRAMER,"No, my face feels so good, I'm gonna use it all over my body.",JERRY,"Oh my god, it's Bania and Jenna."
GEORGE,Who?,JERRY,The tooth brush in the toilet bowl.
JENNA,"Don't worry, Kenny. After dating Jerry, you're a pleasure.",JERRY,I don't believe this.
GEORGE,"You miss her, don't you?",JERRY,"No! He's riding my coattails again. He's getting everything off me, first laughs now ladies."
PASSENGER,(disbelieving) That's my apple juice.,JERRY,Someone's cooking.
NEWMAN,"Hello, Jerry.",JERRY,"Hello, Newman."
NEWMAN,"You know, old friend, sometimes I ponder this silly gulf between us and I say, ""Why?"" Are we really so different. For what is--",JERRY,"(cutting in) I'm not the one doing the cooking, Newman."
NEWMAN,"Damn you Seinfeld. You useless pustule. Um, somebody's got something on the griddle. maybe it's Kramer.",JERRY,"No, he's up on the roof getting some sun with the butter (pauses) Oh no!"
PUDDY,Let's make out.,JERRY,Kramer!
KRAMER,"Oh, man. I think I cooked myself.",JERRY,Look at your skin.
KRAMER,I'm fried.,JERRY,"Technically, you're sauted. So, what are you doing for that?"
KRAMER,"Well, I just gotta keep my skin moist so I don't dry out.",JERRY,Is that what the doctor said?
KRAMER,"No, I read an article in Bon Appetit magazine. (grabs a baster) I'll see you later.",JERRY,Yea.
GEORGE,(sniffing) Hmm. Game hen?,JERRY,"Kind of. Nice limp, you're bringing your work home with you?"
GEORGE,"No, I fake limp on my right. This is a real limp because I sprained my ankle.",JERRY,What happened?
GEORGE,"Well, I was buttering myself up for a nice shave --",JERRY,"Oh no, not you too?"
GEORGE,I must have dripped some on the floor and I slipped and...,JERRY,You know what's good for that? Relish.
GEORGE,"So what, he's got a couple of good jokes.",JERRY,"Oh, like what, Ovaltine? Why do dogs drink out of the toilet? Shopping carts with one bad wheel?"
GEORGE,"That's true, that always happens to me.",JERRY,You think that's funny?
GEORGE,"I don't know, I like stuff you don't have to think about too much.",JERRY,You like Bania's act. You're a closet Bania fan!
GEORGE,Maybe I am.,JERRY,"Oh, I'm gonna puke."
GEORGE,"Well, you're not gonna believe what happened.",JERRY,You mugged Stephen Hawking?
GEORGE,"Play Now thinks I got problems in both legs. My own personal Rascal, Jerry. On the house.",JERRY,Well it must be comforting to know you'll be going straight to hell at no more than three miles an hour.
ELAINE,Jerry.,JERRY,"Hey, Lainie, how's the trip going?"
VEGETABLE LASAGNA,Please don't shout. I can't take it.,JERRY,Who's that?
ELAINE,It's Vegetable Lasagna.,JERRY,Who?
ELAINE,Shut up or I'll snap you in half and stuff you in the overhead!,JERRY,Get me some duty free Kahlua.
GEORGE,How's the trip?,JERRY,Sounded good.
GEORGE,Well. Gotta motor.,JERRY,"Hey, if you got any juice left, you might wanna roll by the big showcase tonight."
GEORGE,"Ah, you still going on in front of Bania, eh?",JERRY,"That's right, and I'll tell you what. I'm feeling a little off."
GEORGE,What are you talking about? (Jerry grins) You're not!,JERRY,"That's right, I'm taking a dive."
GEORGE,You're throwing the set?,JERRY,"I'm laying down! Then we'll see how he does up there, without all the assistance."
GEORGE,"Listen Jerry. With all due respect, Bania's voice is the voice of a new generation. My generation.",JERRY,We're four months apart.
KRAMER,"Jerry, what are you doing? George tells me you're gonna throw your set?",JERRY,"That's right, Choochie. Let's see how Bania does without the cushy timeslot."
CLUB ANNOUNCER,"(OC) Ladies and gentlemen, Jerry Seinfeld!",JERRY,If you'll excuse me.
KRAMER,"Whoa, man!",JERRY,(OC) Hey everybody! Who's ready to laugh?
NEWMAN,Hee hee! Yeah yeah!,JERRY,"I mean, what's the deal with cancer?"
KRAMER,"Well, that wasn't so bad, huh?",JERRY,What are you talking about? I bombed!
KRAMER,"No, you had some good stuff. The cancer bit? I mean, it was edgy, it was not my sort of thing but some of those people out there, they really liked it.",JERRY,Like who?
KRAMER,"Well, that guy who yelled out.",JERRY,He *had* cancer!
KRAMER,And laughter is the best medicine.,JERRY,"Hey, sorry Kenny. Guess you got your work cut out for you."
KRAMER,"What is this, parsley?",JERRY,"Ah, the sweet stench of failure."
BANIA,"Hey Jerry, didja see it?",JERRY,Ouch.
STU,"Kenny! There you are. Jay Shermak and Stu Crespi from NBC. Listen, Kenny. Really funny out there.",JERRY,What?
BANIA,How about that Jerry? First you had a pilot on NBC and now I'll have one. Looks like I'm following you again.,JERRY,"Oh, I'm gonna puke."
[Scene,At Monks Caf],JERRY,So youre staying at Play Now?
GEORGE,"Why not? Pay is good. I got dental, private access to one of the great handicapped toilets in the city.",JERRY,"But they not you arent handicapped, arent you ashamed?"
ELAINE,Whats that?,JERRY,"Oh, its just this stupid thing."
ELAINE,"Well, Im sure its stupid. Its not about me, is it?",JERRY,(doing the voice) No-o-o-o.
ELAINE,Tell me!,JERRY,All right. You know this girl Clare I am seeing?
ELAINE,Yeah.,JERRY,"Well, he and I starting joking that when she falls asleep her stomach stays awake all night and talks to me."
ELAINE,How is it talking?,JERRY,"Well, her belly button is like a mouth. (doing the voice) Im bored. Talk to me."
ELAINE,"Oh I gotta start taking these ""stupid"" warnings more seriously.",JERRY,"Hey, look whose here - Puddy."
ELAINE,My Puddy? But we broke up.,JERRY,And yet he continues to live.
PUDDY,Great. (pauses) See ya.,JERRY,"Well, thats it. You two are back together."
ELAINE,What?,JERRY,The bump into. The bump into always leads to the backslide.
ELAINE,David and I will not be getting back together.,JERRY,"Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a coke machine. You cant do it in one push, you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over."
ELAINE,"What about you? You were even engaged, and you cut it off just like that.",JERRY,"Thats different. I didnt have feelings for those people. But you, youll backslide"
ELAINE,You want to bet?,JERRY,Stakes?
ELAINE,50,JERRY,Dollars?
GEORGE,Witness.,JERRY,Done.
CLARE,So Ill call you tonight?,JERRY,Yeah.
CLARE,Whats wrong with the belt?,JERRY,"I went to the movies last night, I went to the bathroom and I unbuckled a little wobbly and the buckle kind of banged against the side of the urinal. So(throws away belt) thats it!"
CLARE,"So, youre insane?",JERRY,"Oh yes, quite."
KRAMER,Hello!,JERRY,Of course its a sliding scale.
KRAMER & JERRY,(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o! (haha),JERRY,(doing the voice) La la la.
KRAMER,"Look at this, they are redoing the Cloud Club.",JERRY,"Oh, that restaurant on top of the Chrysler building? Yeah, thats a good idea."
KRAMER,"Of course its a good idea, its my idea. I conceived this whole project two years ago.",JERRY,Which part? The renovating the restaurant you dont own part or spending the two hundred million you dont have part?
KRAMER,"You see I come up with these things, I know theyre gold, but nothing happens. You know why?",JERRY,"No resources, no skill, no talent, no ability, no brains."
KRAMER,"(interrupts) No, notime! Its all this meaningless time. Laundry, grocery, shopping, coming in here talking to you. Do you have any idea how much time I waste in this apartment?",JERRY,I can ball park it.
KRAMER,Here we go; now she comes in. Now my whole day is shot!,JERRY,"Hey, I called you last night, where were you?"
ELAINE,(looking VERY guilty) I went out with a (fake cough) a friend.,JERRY,George?
ELAINE,"(looking guiltier) No, nono.",JERRY,"Well, I was here, thats everyone (laughing)."
ELAINE,(laughing).,JERRY,Are those the same shoes as yesterday?
ELAINE,"Oh, you know I wear these shoes all the time.",JERRY,"Your hair, its somewhat de-poofed."
ELAINE,Its the new look. You know Heroin Cheek?,JERRY,"Wait a second, whats going on here?"
ELAINE,"Nothing, nothing.",JERRY,(screams).
ELAINE,(screams).,JERRY,Youre wearing the same clothes as yesterday!!! (pauses) You saw Puddy!
KRAMER,Hoochie moochie. (haha),JERRY,Hand it over. Pay up.
ELAINE,"No! Its an isolated, sexual incident. We are not back together!",JERRY,Then what do you call it? People dont just bump into each other and have sex. This isnt cinemax.
ELAINE,"It was no big deal OK? I mean we fooled around, then we went out and grabbed a little dinner.",JERRY,"Ah, dinner! Thats it, youre all the way back!"
ELAINE,Ugh!,JERRY,"Sex, thats meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; thats heavy. Thats like an hour."
KRAMER,"So thats the bedroom. Heres the bathroom. If you need to, you can familiarize yourself with the kitchenYeah, go ahead and look through some of the drawers.",JERRY,And you are?
KRAMER,Hes a go getter!,JERRY,Whos he?
KRAMER,"My intern from NYU. Well, you remember my corporation, Kramerica Industries.",JERRY,Alright.
KRAMER,"Well, apparently NYU is very enthusiastic about their students getting some real world corporate experience.",JERRY,But you only provide fantasy world corporate experience.
KRAMER,"Well, this will really free up my time so I can focus on more important things, like my bladder system.",JERRY,"Alright, its time to go."
KRAMER,"Jerry, its not for people, its for oil tankers.",JERRY,(sarcastically) I know!
KRAMER,"You see the idea is for a rubber ball inside the tanker so if it crashes, the oil wont spill out.",JERRY,"Actually, that is not a bad idea."
KRAMER,(smiles) yeah.,JERRY,"Now, its time to go."
GEORGE,(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. (Hes sitting on the floor in his Play Now office).,JERRY,"(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. (pauses) So, whats going on?"
GEORGE,"Siege mentality, Jerry. They really want me out of here. Theyve downgraded me to some sort of a bunker. Im like Hitlers last days here.",JERRY,"So, are you going to leave?"
GEORGE,"Oh no! Im vigilant. Theyll never get me out. Im like a weed, Jerry.",JERRY,I thought youre like Hitler in the bunker?
GEORGE,Im a weed in Hitlers bunker.,JERRY,"Im getting a little uncomfortable with the Hitler stuff. (his other line beeps) Im getting another call, see ya(answers call) Hello!"
DARREN,"Hi, this is Darren from Kramers office. Mr. Kramer would like to schedule a lunch with you at Monks coffee shop.",JERRY,(looking shocked) Really? When?
DARREN,In 10 minutes. Do you need directions?,JERRY,"No, I dont."
ELAINE,Hey!,JERRY,"Hey! So, wheres my money?"
ELAINE,"No money, I am Puddy free. So, are we eating or what?",JERRY,"Oh yeah, hold on."
KRAMER,What? When did this happen?,JERRY,"Well, just"
GEORGE,"Well, Play Now is through playing. They turned the heat way up in my office. They tried to sweat me out.",JERRY,Do you have to write all this stuff down.
DARREN,"Well, Mr. Kramer is in a meeting with Mr. Lohmase and he didnt want to miss anything.",JERRY,"So, how hot did it get?"
GEORGE,"I dont know, 120, 130Then they sent some guys to sandblast for 6 hours. Tomorrow they are putting in asbestos.",JERRY,"I guess you can take anything, but actual work."
GEORGE,(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o Kramer!,JERRY,(doing the voice) Wel-l-l-c-o-m-e!
GEORGE,(Interrupts) And I still say hes naked under there!,JERRY,Oh that makes a lot of sense.
[Scene,At Jerrys apartment in his bed],JERRY,(giggling)
CLARE,Whats so funny?,JERRY,"Oh, nothing. (still giggling)"
CLARE,What are you laughing about? Tell me.,JERRY,"Oh all right, this is really dumb, really stupid. Weve been doing this silly, dumb voice."
CLARE,So is it fun humiliating me?,JERRY,"No, its not you. Its your stomach, hes taking with this funny, booming, jovial voice. (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o."
CLARE,So you think Im fat?,JERRY,No its
DARREN,"Mr. Kramer says, ""hey buddy!""",JERRY,"Hey, were kind of in the middle of something here. Would you mind coming back later?"
DARREN,"Oh yeah sure, sure. Should we set something up now?",JERRY,(Screams) GET OUT!
CLARE,Im leaving too.,JERRY,"No body said youre fat. Hes a loving character, like the Kool-ade guy."
CLARE,He is fat!,JERRY,"No, hes just a little bloated."
CLARE,Good-bye!,JERRY,Its mostly water weight.
KRAMER,"Yeah, well nothing before noon.",JERRY,Line two?
KRAMER,"Yeah, your phone is line one.",JERRY,Oh
[Scene,At Jerrys apartment],JERRY,So youre sure youre not still angry about last night?
CLARE,"No, Im fine. Just as long as you dont ever do that voice again.",JERRY,Never?
CLARE,Never.,JERRY,What about if youre not around?
CLARE,No!,JERRY,So I have to choose between seeing you and doing the voice?
CLARE,Thats right.,JERRY,I can do that.
CLARE,So whats your decision?,JERRY,I dont know.
CLARE,JerryHI.,JERRY,(doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o. La-la-la. (haha)
GEORGE,You broke up with her? Why?,JERRY,So we could do the voice. (doing the voice) La-la-la. Whats the matter?
GEORGE,I think Im getting tired of it. I mean is that all it does? Hello? La-la-la?,JERRY,"No, it can do anything. It can be Spanish. (doing the voice) Hola. Hello-o-o-o."
GEORGE,I think I like the girl better than the voice.,JERRY,Really?
ELAINE,"Alright, here you go, choke on it (hands him money).",JERRY,"See, never bet against the backslide. I knew you two would get back together."
ELAINE,"Yeah, well not for long. Im breaking up with him.",JERRY,"No, I dont think so. Ive seen you two together. You make each other miserable. Its kismet."
ELAINE,Double or nothing.,JERRY,Done.
GEORGE,(talking from bathroom) Witness?,JERRY,Youre in there again.
ELAINE,"Alright, Im out of here.",JERRY,What is this? (Kramer is wearing jeans that look like it doesnt fit him).
KRAMER,I dont know. I found them in your closet. Ever since Darren left I havent been able to find anything. He took all my clothes to some cleaners. Im clueless. (looks at clock) Is that clock right?,JERRY,Yeah. Nine oclock.
KRAMER,I was supposed to pick up Newman at the zoo twelve hours ago.,JERRY,(doing the voice) Good-bye Kramer.
KRAMER,"Jerry, buddy, I got to tell you something. That voice is played.",JERRY,Really?
[Scene,At Jerrys apartment],JERRY,"(on the phone with Clare) Clare thanks for giving me a second chance. Our relationship is certainly worth more than some silly, stupid voice. Hold on one second. (George walks in  Jerry asks George) So we definitely dont want to do the voice anymore? (George shakes his head NO) Alright, were back together again, great. Bye bye."
KRAMER,Hey.,JERRY,Trouble down at the plant?
KRAMER,No. No. No. Its for oil tankers. All I need to do is fill some sort of rubber container with oil and then drop it to see whether or not it can restrain the impact.,JERRY,"I understand (not really understanding, lol)."
GEORGE,"Well, Play Now has all kinds of different rubber balls. Why dont we test your bladder system at my office?",JERRY,Youre not
[Scene,At Jerrys apartment],JERRY,Go again?
[Scene,At Jerrys apartment],JERRY,Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.
ELAINE,"So, how did it end?",JERRY,They got away.
[Scene,At Play Now],JERRY,Hey.
KRAMER,Did you bring the video camera?,JERRY,"Yeah, I put a six hour tape in. That should cover the experiment, the arrest, and most of your trial. Alright, Ill see ya."
GEORGE,"Oh, you might want to stick around Jerry. Mr. Thomassoulo picked the wrong man to hire because he was fake handicapped.",JERRY,I cant. I got to meet Clare.
KRAMER,You gave up the voice?,JERRY,"Yeah, I thought it was stupid. Unless you guys are liking it again."
KRAMER & GEORGE,No. No,JERRY,Darren?
DARREN,Sorry Mr. Seinfeld.,JERRY,"Uh, bathroom."
GEORGE,"Hey, use mine. Ill let you in.",JERRY,I thought it was open to the public.
GEORGE,"I uh, took care of that.",JERRY,Wow! Zanadu . No wonder youre putting in so many hours. (looks at urinal) May I?
GEORGE,"So, check out my view.",JERRY,"Wow! Hey, theres Clare. I better go down."
GEORGE,"Hey, theres Kramer & Darren.",JERRY,Theres the giant ball of oil. Clares right underneath that thing. Clare! Hello-o-o-o! Hello-o-o-o! Hello-o-o-o!
KRAMER,Bombs away (Uh oh).,JERRY,This is going to be a shame.
[Scene,At Monks Caf],JERRY,"Clare won her lawsuit against Play Now. Gee, Play Now is filing for bankruptcy. I guess youre not going in anymore."
GEORGE,Yeah.,JERRY,So theyre not paying you your
GEORGE,No.,JERRY,So youre pretty much
GEORGE,Yeah.,JERRY,What ever happened to Darren?
KRAMER,Darren is going away for a long long time.,JERRY,So Clare sure looked real funny covered in oil like that (doing the voice) Hello-o-o-o I got beamed with a giant ball of oil
KRAMER,(doing the voice) La la la.,JERRY,Im just so glad its back.
PATTY,So I told Bobby and Lisa that we'd try the new Chinese Spanish,JERRY,"Oh, I thought we had tickets for the Knicks home opener."
PATTY,Well I thought this would be more fun so I gave the tickets away.,JERRY,"What? All right, fine."
PATTY,Are you mad at me?,JERRY,"No, I love a good Chinese Spanish whatever it is."
PATTY,You know... I've never seen you mad.,JERRY,I get peeved.
PATTY,Mad.,JERRY,Miffed.
PATTY,*Mad*.,JERRY,Irked?
GEORGE,Why does she want you to be mad?,JERRY,She says I suppress my emotions.
GEORGE,So what do you care what she thinks.,JERRY,Good body.
GEORGE,She probably gets that impression because you're cool. You're under control. Like me. Nothing wrong with that.,JERRY,"But I get upset, I've yelled. You've heard me yell."
KRAMER,Hey.,JERRY,"Kramer, I am so sick of you comin' in here and eatin' all my food. Now shut that door and get the hell out of here!"
GEORGE,"I told ya. Hey, any of you guys want to come out and help me fix my father's screen door in Queens?",JERRY,"Sorry, I'm fixing a screen door in the Bronx."
ELAINE,Where are they goin'?,JERRY,Fix a screen door in Queens.
ELAINE,"(Laughing) That's funny. Hey, listen, what are you doin' Saturday night?",JERRY,Not goin' to the Knick game.
ELAINE,I need someone to go with me to Mr. Lippman's son's Bar Mitzvah.,JERRY,"You know, if you don't bring a guest they save a catering. You should be able to buy a cheaper gift."
FRANK,"Yes, I do. That's why I got a secret weapon... my son.",JERRY,"Damn it, they gave me cream! I asked for nonfat milk!"
PATTY,I think they have 1% over there.,JERRY,1%?! They can kiss 1% of my ass!
PATTY,"OK, Jerry, enough. I'm not buying it.",JERRY,You're damn right you're not buying it!
PATTY,You shouldn't have to try. It's just being open.,JERRY,I'm open. There's just nothing in there.
PATTY,Sarcastically) Uh huh.,JERRY,"Oh, you think I'm lying about this?"
PATTY,I think you are.,JERRY,"Well, I'm not."
PATTY,"Yes, you are, liar.",JERRY,"Oh, stop it."
PATTY,"OK, liar.",JERRY,That's enough!
PATTY,"Ooh, that was good.",JERRY,Really? It felt good.
ADAM,I'm a man!,JERRY,Tongue?
GEORGE,Wow! I didn't try that 'til I was 23.,JERRY,Well this kid's not just a man. He's a man's man.
ELAINE,And I think he's been telling his friends. I got invitations to six more Bar Mitzvahs. (phone rings),JERRY,"Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. No, no, no, I do not want to stop over in Cincinnati. Well, then you upgrade me. That's right, you should thank me. Goodbye. (Hangs up) Hey, I'm flyin' first class."
ELAINE,Where did that come from?,JERRY,Patty showed me how to get mad. You gotta problem with that?
ELAINE,No.,JERRY,Good.
GEORGE,"All right, relax, tough guy. I got to go out to my father's garage, help him sell some computers.",JERRY,What? The two of you workin' in that garage is like a steel cage death match.
KRAMER,"Oh, I'm putting up Frank's screen door. This beauty's got a little life in her yet.",JERRY,What do you need it for?
PATTY,(Surveying Kramer's hall patio ) What is this?,JERRY,"(Knocking on Kramer's door) Anytown, U.S.A. Hello? Is Kramer home? Oh, hey."
KRAMER,"(Spraying his flowers) Hello, neighbor.",JERRY,"Boy, those azaleas are really coming in nicely."
KRAMER,"Oh, you gotta mulch. You've got to.",JERRY,You barbecuing tonight?
KRAMER,(Ringing his wind chimes) Right after the fireworks.,JERRY,"So, where do you want to eat tonight?"
PATTY,How about La Caridad again?,JERRY,Again!? How much flan can a person eat!?
PATTY,"Jerry, you've been yelling at me all afternoon.",JERRY,"Well, I don't think more flan is the answer!"
PATTY,Maybe I should just leave.,JERRY,'Maybe'!?
PATTY,Good-bye!,JERRY,"Double good-bye! (As Patty leaves, open door reveals Kramer, sitting on his lawn chair with a sparkler)"
ELAINE,Did you and Patty just break up?,JERRY,"Yeah! In fact, she broke up with me! And I don't want to talk about it!"
ELAINE,"Well, then you're free tonight. You know what, I heard about this great place called La Caridad.",JERRY,"That's the last thing she said to me. She wanted to go there also, but I wasn't in the mood."
ELAINE,Whoa. What is the matter?,JERRY,It's Patty.
ELAINE,"Jerry, you break up with a girl every week.",JERRY,(Crying) What--what is this salty discharge?
ELAINE,Oh my God. You're crying.,JERRY,This is horrible! I care!
KRAMER,"She's really gotten to you, hasn't she?",JERRY,I don't know what's happening to me.
KRAMER,"Simple. You let out one emotion, all the rest will come with it. It's like Endora's box.",JERRY,That was the mother on Bewitched. You mean Pandora.
GEORGE,(hearing Jerry broke up with Patty) Are you still down in the dumps? Come on. It's just a chick.,JERRY,You ever heard of a little thing called feelings?
GEORGE,"Well, I got just the thing to cheer you up. A computer! Huh? We can check porn, and stock quotes.",JERRY,"Porn quotes... I'm so lucky to have a friend like you, George. Ever tell you how much I love you?"
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,"I love you, George. Come here."
GEORGE,"I-I'm already here. I'm here. I'm here. Uh, you know what? If you want a computer, call me. I-I gotta go.",JERRY,Go wherever you want. I'm still gonna love you.
KRAMER,"Look what they did. Look what they did to my house! I turn my back for two seconds, and they put shaving cream all over my door. You, I see you! I'll teach these kids a lesson. Where's that house I put under your sink?",JERRY,"Hose under my sink. I love *you*, Kramer!"
GEORGE,Only if you buy. I gotta make a sale.,JERRY,"I love you, Costanza."
ELAINE,Oy vey!,JERRY,"What happened to you, pal?"
KRAMER,Joey Zanfino and some of the neighborhood kids. They ambushed me with a box of 'Grade A's.,JERRY,Are you all right?
KRAMER,"Oh, no. I'm fine. Serenity now. Serenity now. Serenity now.",JERRY,"So, you're using Frank's relaxation method?"
ELAINE,Well. You are not gonna believe this. Now Lippman is renounced. This shiksa thing is *totally* out of control. What is *with* you people? What are you looking at?,JERRY,"Sit down, Elaine."
ELAINE,"Oh, no. Jerry, I can't take any more gentle sobbing.",JERRY,I've been thinking about what it means to be complete.
ELAINE,Do you have an apple or anything?,JERRY,"Look at us, hurtling through space on this big, blue marble."
ELAINE,Or a nectarine? I would absolutely love a nectarine.,JERRY,Looking everywhere for some kind of meaning...
ELAINE,"Why am I in such a fruit mood? Ahh, banana!",JERRY,"When all the while, the real secret to happiness has been right in front of us!"
ELAINE,What?,JERRY,Elaine...
GEORGE,"(Entering Jerry's apartment with a cartload of computers) Jerry, I've found a way to beat Lloyd Braun! I buy the computers myself, I store 'em in your apartment. Then, after I win the contest, I bring 'em all back and get my money back. Ha ha! It's brilliant. What? What's wrong with your leg?",JERRY,I'm asking Elaine to marry me.
GEORGE,(Leaving) I'll store these over at Kramer's apartment.,JERRY,Elaine?
ELAINE,"Uhh, Jerry, I've got a lot goin' on with, uh, Lippman right now.",JERRY,Lippman?
ELAINE,"(Trying to get her bag to leave) Yeah, and him too. What?! Oh, yeah! I think George is calling me, so I'm gonna go give him a hand. Come on! Come on!",JERRY,Can I help you?
LLOYD,Serenity now. Insanity later.,JERRY,"What happened here, Kramer?"
KRAMER,"Serenity now, serenity now...",JERRY,Kramer!
KRAMER,"Geez! Jerry, I didn't here you come in. Yeah, the children, they've done sum redecorating. Serenity now, serenity now.",JERRY,You don't look well.
KRAMER,"Well, that's odd, 'cause I feel perfectly at peace with the world- uh! eggs! you! Serenity now, serenity now, serenity now.",JERRY,"Oh, I'm sorry. Look at me, I stepped on your last rose."
KRAMER,"(Leaving) George, you listen to me. I owe ya one.",JERRY,He's incorrigible. You want to talk about it?
GEORGE,"Oh, please don't tell me you love me again, Jerry, I can't handle it.",JERRY,"George, letting my emotions out was the best thing I've ever done. Sure I'm not funny anymore, but there's more to life than making shallow, fairly-obvious observations. How about you?"
GEORGE,"So, that's it. All of my darkest fears, and... everything I'm capable of. That's me.",JERRY,"Yikes. Well, good look with all that."
GEORGE,Where you going? I-I thought I could count on you for a little compassion.,JERRY,I think you scared me straight.
ELAINE,"All right, Jerome, I'm in.",JERRY,What?
ELAINE,Maybe we should get married. Maybe everything we need is right here in front of us. Jer... let's do it.,JERRY,"I tell ya, I don't see it happening."
ELAINE,What? What happened to the new Jerry?,JERRY,He doesn't work here anymore.
GEORGE,"I love you, Jerry.",JERRY,"(Leaving) Right back at ya, Slick."
FRANK,No you're not! Hoochie mama! Hoochie mama!,JERRY,Are you sure you can't stay longer?
HELEN,"Poor Marvin Kessler, he went too early.",JERRY,He was 96 years old.
MORTY,And every morning I eat a plum.,JERRY,"Well, what ever you do, you're wearing me out."
MORTY,"Yeah, looks like you're getting a little spare tire there, tiger.",JERRY,Really?
HELEN,See you downstairs with the car.,JERRY,Are you sure you don't need a hand with that?
MORTY,"No no, the luggage is on the program. I got a brick in here.",JERRY,Did you give blood?
KRAMER,"No, not giving. hoarding. I'm storing it in to a blood bank. Just in case.",JERRY,In case of what?
KRAMER,"Jerry, I know myself. If I'm out on the street and it's starts to go down, I don't back off until it's finished.",JERRY,Are we finished?
ELAINE,"Can you believe that, Vivian doesn't think I'm responsible?",JERRY,"Who wants to responsible? When ever anything goes wrong, the first thing they ask is who's responsible for this?"
ELAINE,"I couldn't raise a kid? Come on, I love bossing people around.",JERRY,"What happened, I thought you were with Tara tonight?"
GEORGE,I told I had a bus transfer that was only good just for another hour.,JERRY,What?
GEORGE,"Oh, pudding! You want some?",JERRY,"Hey, you guys think I'm getting a little...chunky?"
GEORGE,"What are you kidding? We look great! You know what this pudding needs? The skin on the top, you know like your mother used to make it on the stove.",JERRY,"Elaine, what do you think?"
GEORGE,"Well, maybe it was Ghostbusters? Where ever it was, it worked!",JERRY,"Didn't go for it, huh?"
GEORGE,No.,JERRY,"So, she didn't appreciate the erotic qualities of the salted cured meats?"
GEORGE,"She tolerated the strawberries and the chocolate sauce, but eh, it's not a meal, you know? Food and sex, those are my two passions. It's only natural to combine them.",JERRY,"Natural? Sex is about love between a man and a woman, not a man and a sandwich."
GEORGE,"Jerry, I'm not suggesting getting rid of the girl. She's integral.",JERRY,"Maybe instead of trying to satisfy two of your needs, how about satisfying one of somebody else's."
GEORGE,"Hey, speaking of which, I found a great way to separate the skin from the top of the pudding without leaving any around the edges; Exacto knife.",JERRY,"I told you George, no more pudding. I'm starting a purification program. Keep all that kind of food away from me."
GEORGE,"Well, I guess these would be out of the question. (pulls out two pudding skins in plastic bags.)",JERRY,What the hell is that?
KRAMER,"Hey buddy, I'm borrowing all your Tupperware.",JERRY,"Oh, why?"
KRAMER,I closed down my account at the blood bank.,JERRY,"What, it...it's here in the building?"
KRAMER,"Right across the hall. What, you wanna go see?",JERRY,"No I don't! In fact, if even one corpuscles of that blood should find it's way across that hall I will freak out on you Kramer! Freak out."
ELAINE,"Hey, working out?",JERRY,You know it and I ditched all my junk food.
KRAMER,What the heck is going on here?,JERRY,"Sorry buddy, clean house. It's all health food."
ELAINE,Vivian left me a message. I guess a certain someone changed her mind about whether someone was responsible enough to watch certain other someone.,JERRY,Is this about me?
ELAINE,No.,JERRY,"Oh, then I lost interest."
ELAINE,Hi Jimmy. (Jimmy kicks Elaine to the shin.) Ouch! (The screen door hits her in the head.),JERRY,"Hey, what are you doing here? I thought you were baby-sitting at Vivian's."
KRAMER,There was an incident.,JERRY,"Oh no, where's the blood? (opens the fridge) It's in here isn't it?"
KRAMER,Would you stop it.,JERRY,What is this?
KRAMER,It's Jell-O.,JERRY,What about this? This is blood isn't it?!
KRAMER,"This is tomato juice, look...(drinks from the bottle.)",JERRY,"Ooh, you're sick! You're sick!!"
KRAMER,Will you calm down. I took all my blood down to Newman's. He let me put it in his meat freezer.,JERRY,"Hey, what's going on? Who made pudding?"
KRAMER,"Oh yeah yeah, George he came by and made more of those pudding skin singles. They're delicious.",JERRY,"Damn that George, I told him I don't want this stuff around here anymore..."
KRAMER,Heads up!,JERRY,Aaah...
ELAINE,"Oh yeah, that eh...that is nice to know. (Pours the juice from the bag back to glass.)",JERRY,Aah!
KRAMER,"It's ok, Jerry. I'm right here.",JERRY,I can see that! What happened?
KRAMER,"That knife, it nicked your jugular. You know Jerry, when somebody yells 'heads up', you're not supposed to actually look up.",JERRY,I'll remember that.
KRAMER,"Anyway, you were lucky that I was there. You lost a lot of blood.",JERRY,What?
GEORGE,Three pints of Kramer's blood?,JERRY,I can feel his blood inside of me. Borrowing things from my blood.
GEORGE,"Well, so much for purification week.",JERRY,"So, how's the fornicating gourmet?"
GEORGE,"Doing quite well, thank you. Yesterday I had a soft boiled egg and a quickie. You know what? If I could add TV to the equation, that would really be the ultimate.",JERRY,"George, we're trying to have a civilization here."
ELAINE,Hey.,JERRY,"Hey, how was baby-sitting?"
ELAINE,"Oh, just great. I found out that Vivian has some kind of medical problem and if the worst happens she wants me to take care of Jimmy.",JERRY,"Oh, I'm sure it won't be the worst."
GEORGE,"She's right, I heard Kramer got mugged out on the suburbs on a baby-sitting gig.",JERRY,Really?
KRAMER,"Look at this, look at the hair on the back of my neck. It's all bramble, see it's like thicket back there. Look, I need somebody to shave it for me, huh?",JERRY,I'm not touching that thing.
KRAMER,"Well, I have to say I'm very surprised and disappointed - blood brother.",JERRY,"Oh, no..."
KRAMER,"What? Jerry, I gave you my blood. Listen to your pulse, (takes Jerry hand) hey buddy-hey buddy-hey buddy...",JERRY,"Kramer, I'm not shaving your neck."
KRAMER,"So, my blood is not enough. Would you like a kidney too, because I'll give it to you? I'll rip it out right here and stack it on the table!",JERRY,"All right, all right I'll do it, sit down."
KRAMER,"No no no, I don't have time right now. I'll catch you tonight, we'll do sort of an all over kind of thing, all right?",JERRY,Hello?
HELEN,"Kramer called, he told that you were in a hospital.",JERRY,Kramer called you?
HELEN,He calls every week. Are you all right?,JERRY,"Yes, I'm fine."
HELEN,"Jerry, you really have to take better care of yourself. We bought you some session with a personal trainer.",JERRY,"I don't need a personal trainer. (Kramer comes in) all right I've got to go, we'll talk about this later."
MORTY,Plum...(Jerry hangs up.),JERRY,Why are you calling my parents?
KRAMER,"Well, maybe if you called more often, I wouldn't have to. Listen, is it all right if I watch a tape in here?",JERRY,Why here?
KRAMER,"Well, I'm taping Canadian Parliament, you know on C-Span.",JERRY,Ok...
KRAMER,"Is it all right if I watch it in your bedroom, cause your bed is really nice?",JERRY,Fine...
KRAMER,Ok!,JERRY,No no no no no no no no no no! I do not want that in here!
KRAMER,Blood!,JERRY,All right.
IZZY,"Hello, dough boy.",JERRY,Mr. Mandelbaum? You're the personal trainer?
ELAINE,"All right, but I'm running out of purses here. (takes her purse from a punch ball.)",JERRY,"Ok Mr. Mandelbaum, what you want me to do?"
IZZY,"Don't get puss honey, and pick up that medicine ball.",JERRY,"Is this a gym, or some kind of fitness museum?"
IZZY,"Not funny, over your head with it. Are you ready?",JERRY,For what?
IZZY,All aboard in the pain train!,JERRY,How many session did my parents paid for?
[5A. Kramer and Newman are making sausages. Tape recorder plays Jackie Davis,Manana. Jerry comes in.],JERRY,What is this?
KRAMER,We're making sausages.,JERRY,I thought you were gonna watch a video.
KRAMER,"Yeah, an instructional video about how to make your own sausages.",JERRY,"Kramer, I'm not in a mood for this."
KRAMER,"All right, all right. Newman, let's go grab some mail sacks and haul these beauties out of here.",JERRY,"Blood over there, sausages over here. I'm living in a slaughter house."
IZZY,Tonight I want you to sleep on this. Toughens the vertebrae. (Looks at the sausages) What in holy hell? Sausages? Is this your diet?,JERRY,No they're not mine Mr. Mandelbaum...
IZZY,"Don't lie to me, butter bean. We're taking it up a notch.",JERRY,"So, the free love buffet is over?"
GEORGE,I got greedy. Flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami.,JERRY,"Yeah, that's what you did...I can't believe I got another session with Izzy Mandelbaum, he's probably makes me box a kangaroo."
GEORGE,I don't know. This sandwich is making me flush.,JERRY,"Oh no, I'll tell you what you did Caligula; you combined food and sex in to one disgusting uncontrollable urge."
GEORGE,I think you're right. You gonna eat that?,JERRY,"No, but please tell me that's all you're gonna do with it."
GEORGE,These fries are really really good...,JERRY,"All right, that's enough of that. (Jerry takes the plates and hands them to a waitress.)"
ELAINE,"No matter what I do, I cannot weasel out of raising this kid.",JERRY,"Well, sleepy here is quite a weasel, maybe he can bat for you."
KRAMER,Why did you get rid of that sausage?,JERRY,"It wasn't me, it was Mr. Mandelbaum."
KRAMER,"Yeah well, Newman's not happy, he booted me out of his freezer. Look, I've got to take my blood back to the bank, can I borrow your car?",JERRY,What's wrong with yours?
KRAMER,I got no A/C and I gotta keep the blood cold or it'll go bad.,JERRY,"All right, but this is it, this is the last favor, we're even!"
GEORGE,Vivian!!,JERRY,Is this really necessary?
IZZY,"If you wanna live in a butcher shop, I'm gonna treat you like a piece of meat.",JERRY,What if I can't keep up?
IZZY,"Move it, move it! Get those knees up! Come on, kick it, kick it!",JERRY,What's going on?
IZZY JR.,There's something wrong with your car. It's dripping something on my feet. Some kind of red liquid.,JERRY,"Oh my God, the blood!"
ELAINE,So how long did they drag you?,JERRY,"Well, for the first quarter mile they thought that I was just doggin' it."
GEORGE,Ouch!,JERRY,What's the kid doing here?
GEORGE,I'm baby-sitting! Vivian asked me to raise him if she doesn't make it.,JERRY,"Oh, that's a drag..."
KRAMER,That kid...,JERRY,You put blood in the car?!
KRAMER,"Jerry, it was overheating. You should take better care of that thing.",JERRY,"Well, they told me that I got more blood, so I guess I owe you again."
KRAMER,You didn't get the blood from me.,JERRY,Then who?
NEWMAN,Hello Jerry.,JERRY,Aaaaahhh...!!!
"JERRY, KRAMER & NEWMAN",Aaaaahhh...!!!,JERRY,(on the phone) Yeah. Yeah. All right. Uh-huh.
GEORGE,"(knocking on the counter and feigning a muffled, Chinese voice) Chinese food!",JERRY,"(hanging up the phone) Oh! There's my Chinese food, I gotta run. All you."
GEORGE,Who was it?,JERRY,I did a show for a car dealership and they're getting me a new SAAB.
GEORGE,What about your old car? They couldn't get Kramer's blood out of it?,JERRY,"No, the engine clotted. You know who set this whole thing up for me? Frank Merman."
GEORGE,Fragile Frankie Merman? I never liked that guy.,JERRY,Why? He's harmless.
GEORGE,Every summer you guys went to camp together. I was jealous. Felt like he was the summer me.,JERRY,"He was not the summer you. Besides, you had a summer me. Whitey Fisk, the guy who snuck you into Last Tango in Paris."
GEORGE,I made him up.,JERRY,So you never saw Last Tango in Paris?
GEORGE,No.,JERRY,Too bad. It was erotic.
KRAMER,(enters) Well... I've had it with these jackbooted thugs!,JERRY,'Pottery Barn'?
GEORGE,(holding a magazine cover) Mira Sorvino. Think she'd go out with me?,JERRY,Why don't you just throw 'em out?
KRAMER,"Oh, no. I've been saving them up here in your apartment. And now, it's payback time. 'Pottery Barn' is in for a world of hurt.",JERRY,(taking a catalog) Can I have one? I need one of those old-looking phones. So you wanna grab a bite?
GEORGE,I can't. I gotta make the weekly call to the folks.,JERRY,So call now.
GEORGE,"I gotta prep. I need a couple of anecdotes, a few you-were-right-abouts. It's a whole procedure. Wasn't Fragile Frankie the one that used to run into the woods every time he got upset?",JERRY,That's him.
GEORGE,Is he still nuts?,JERRY,"What do you think? They gave me a new car for thirty minutes of 'So, who's from out of town?'"
KRAMER,"(throwing his catalogs in the Pottery Barn store) Hey, you like sending out catalogs!? How do you like gettin' 'em back!?",JERRY,"So, maybe they had Chinese food?"
GEORGE,"After dark? Please. At their age, that's like swallowing stun grenades.",JERRY,"Well, there's one way to check. Where there's Chinese food, there's leftovers."
ELAINE,"Hey, hey, hey! I met this guy! And it was like this, totally unreal, fairy tale moment.",JERRY,"It wasn't Whitey Fisk, was it?"
GEORGE,"Nothing. Uh, I don't know. I gotta go.",JERRY,"So, this is beautiful. You, and Puddy, and this new guy, in a big pot of love stew."
KRAMER,"(entering Jerry's apartment) Will you look at this? More catalogs! 'Omaha Steaks', 'Mac Warehouse', 'Newsweek'?! I can't stop all these companies, so, I'm gonna attack this problem at the choke point.",JERRY,Stop the mail?
FRANKIE,Jerry!,JERRY,"Hey, Frankie! So, where's the car?"
FRANKIE,This is it.,JERRY,Inside the van?
FRANKIE,"It is the van! Don't you remember, we always talked about how cool it would be to have a van and just drive?",JERRY,We were ten.
FRANKIE,Come on. Let's take it for a spin.,JERRY,I don't want a van.
ELAINE,"Well, just tell him you want the SAAB.",JERRY,"You don't understand. This is Fragile Frankie Merman. When we were in camp, if you upset him, he'd run out to the woods, dig a hole, and sit in it."
ELAINE,"Well, I have an idea. Keep the van, and get a bumper sticker that says, 'If this vans a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'.'",JERRY,Always helpful.
FRANKIE,"(in the van with Jerry) Nice captain's chairs, huh?",JERRY,"Aye, aye."
FRANKIE,"Oh, there's a spot. Just back up.",JERRY,Hold on. There must be a truck backing up.
FRANKIE,"No, that's us.",JERRY,"Great. You know, Frankie, I was wondering. What if I decided that it's silly to drive a van, because, you know, I live in New York City. Is there maybe some way I could exchange it?"
FRANKIE,You don't like the van?,JERRY,"No, no, no. Just hypothetically."
FRANKIE,I gotta go to the park.,JERRY,"No! No, you don't! No woods. I love the van. I'm a van guy."
KRAMER,"(showing Jerry his mailbox) Check it out. Rain and sleet may not stop them, but let's see them get by... these bricks.",JERRY,Where'd you get the bricks?
KRAMER,"Jerry, the whole building is brick.",JERRY,So you want to take a ride with me out to Jersey? I'm gonna try to sell the van to a lot.
KRAMER,"A dealer? Are you insane? No, take out an ad. Sell it privately.",JERRY,I don't think I want to meet the people that are in the market for a used van.
KRAMER,"Come on, Jerry, just let me help you.",JERRY,OK.
KRAMER,"All right! OK! Right, here we go. Yeah. OK, so... 'For sale. A big, juicy van.' And, ooh, you gotta put down, 'interesting trades considered.'",JERRY,I don't want to trade.
KRAMER,"No, you don't have to. It's all about tickling their buying bone.",JERRY,"Hey, you know what? This is all your mail. They're puttin' it in my box now."
GEORGE,They don't want to see me anymore!,JERRY,But this is what you've always wanted.
GEORGE,It is. I'm just not ready yet.,JERRY,"Aw, that's kind of sweet."
GEORGE,"Ah, shut up, Jerry. My parents think they can ignore me. Heh heh. Well, they better think again.",JERRY,"Oh, no. George, please. What are you going to do?"
GEORGE,You remember my cousin Rhisa? I'm gonna date her.,JERRY,Mother of God.
GEORGE,"One little wink. She'll freak out, tell my parents. They'll be all over me. Who is this guy?",JERRY,"That guy Elaine's dating seems really familiar to me. I think he may have been a comedian I worked with one time. Wait a minute, what is this?"
GEORGE,Elaine's in love with the Wiz guy?,JERRY,"No, she thinks she's in love with him. But she's just remembering this old commercial."
GEORGE,That's pretty pathetic.,JERRY,I know. They're not even related.
GEORGE,Uh... hey. I'm gonna get going.,JERRY,"Hey, have fun at the... family reunion. (George exits) So, what do you know about this Jack fellow?"
ELAINE,Isn't he the best?,JERRY,"Yeah, nobody beats him. What kind of work does he do?"
ELAINE,"Oh, right now he's a fact checker for New York Magazine. It's not much, but it has a certain type of quiet dignity.",JERRY,"(turning on the commercial) Right, quiet dignity. As opposed to, say, this?"
ELAINE,"Oh, no.",JERRY,"Oh, yes."
KRAMER,"(inspecting Jerry's van) So, how come you're selling it?",JERRY,You know why I'm selling it. I hate it.
KRAMER,How many miles?,JERRY,Two.
KRAMER,City or highway?,JERRY,"Look, do you really want to buy this thing, or what?"
KRAMER,"(breaking the antenna) Hey, hey. Take it easy. I'm not gonna be pressured. I'll walk away right now. Is this thing bent? I'm not paying for that.",JERRY,"All right, just get out of here."
KRAMER,"All right, look. I'm going to be honest. I'm very interested in the van.",JERRY,"OK, fine. 'What do I have to do to put you in this van today?'"
KRAMER,"(pointing to the newspaper ad) Well, I don't really have any money. But it says right here, 'interesting trades considered'.",JERRY,You put that in!
KRAMER,(pulling out an undershirt) And I'm glad I did. Here.,JERRY,You want to trade me an undershirt?
KRAMER,"No, I want to trade you screen legend Anthony Quinn's undershirt. He took this off to do sit-ups in the park and I nabbed it.",JERRY,That's disgusting.
KRAMER,"Yeah, nice to meet you.",JERRY,She's into it?
GEORGE,She's leaving me dirty messages on my answering machine.,JERRY,So have your parents found out about it?
GEORGE,She wants to keep it quiet. She... thinks we have a real future together.,JERRY,"Brave new world, alright."
KRAMER,"(entering Monk's) Hey, you guys.",JERRY,"Hey, how's the anti-mail campaign going?"
KRAMER,"Oh, it's fantastic. We were out in front of the post office today, and not one person went in.",JERRY,It's Sunday.
GEORGE,Then... shouldn't you be wearing the bucket.,JERRY,"Hey, I want my van keys back."
KRAMER,"Oh, well. I, uh, thought we made a deal for Quinn's t-shirt.",JERRY,Are you insane? Give 'em to me.
KRAMER,"Oh, listen, Jerry. One of your friends came by and he was very upset that I had your wheels.",JERRY,"Oh, no, not Frankie."
KRAMER,"Well, I didn't catch his name, but then he went running into the park.",JERRY,"Oh, no, the woods! The hole!"
KRAMER,(being grabbed by the security officials) Hey!,JERRY,"Frankie! Frankie! Frankie! Frankie, is that you?"
HOLE DIGGER,My name is Edgar.,JERRY,Have a nice night.
JACK,"(dancing around) Oh... here's a fact. Uh, I'm... the Wiz! I'm the Wiz and noooobody beats me!",JERRY,"(finding Frankie, in his hole) Frankie... come on out of there."
FRANKIE,You hate the van.,JERRY,"But I'm keeping it. As much as I hate the idea of being a van guy, it's much better than hanging out here with the nocturnal dirt people."
FRANKIE,"So, can we go for a ride?",JERRY,"Yeah, let's just get out of here."
NEWMAN,(whimpering) Tell the world my story.,JERRY,"Hey, George!"
GEORGE,"Jerry! Hey, that's the guy!",JERRY,"What? George Costanza, Frankie Merman."
FRANKIE,The winter me.,JERRY,You must be George's cousin.
RHISA,Girlfriend.,JERRY,All right.
GEORGE,(seeing Jerry's van shaking) What is that? That van's a-rockin'.,JERRY,Don't go a-knockin'.
FRANKIE,Now you gotta sell this van.,JERRY,"Oh, yeah."
GEORGE,Oh... make it stop.,JERRY,I just think if you borrow my blender you should return it.
KRAMER,Well whats the difference -- Come on (pats him on the back) -- were like Cain and Able.,JERRY,"Yeah, ya know Cain slew Able."
KRAMER,"No he didnt. They were in business together it was dry wall, or somethin.",JERRY,"Oh, no."
KRAMER,"All right then, what was it?",JERRY,"Well I think Able worked hard all summer harvesting his crops, while Cain just played in the field. Then when Winter came, Able had all the nuts; Cain had no nuts, so he killed him."
KRAMER,"The way I remember it, Cain, he was a successful doctor, but when he took this special formula, he became Mr. Able.",JERRY,"Ya broke my blender, didnt ya?"
KRAMER,Yeah. Well I was trying to make gravel and it just (moves hands around) just didnt work out.,JERRY,I knew it.
KRAMER,"Aahh, this looks familiar",JERRY,Of course. It's garbage.
KRAMER,"No, no, no, no. These brown things. The chairs. (hits his hand on the rim) Jerry, this is the set from the old Merv Griffin Show! (he climbs into the dumpster) They must be throwing it out. This stuff belongs in the Smithsonian!",JERRY,"Yeah, at least in the dumpster behind the Smithsonian."
KRAMER,"Look at this. Boy, one minute Elliot Gould is sitting on you and the next thing - you're yesterday's trash.",JERRY,"Come on, Kramer, get out of there."
KRAMER,"No, no, no. You go on ahead. I'm not finished taking this in. Oh, Jerry look ... Merv Griffin's cigar.",JERRY,(moans) Ohhh (walks away)
GEORGE,So uh where we eating?,JERRY,And it was his idea to put a sprig of parsley on the plate.
CELIA,You're making this up. There was never a Joseph Garnish.,JERRY,Wow! (Jerry spots all the classic toys)
CELIA,Oh yeah the toys.,JERRY,Where did you get all these?
CELIA,My dad was a collector. I inherited them after he died from a long painful bout with,JERRY,"Super bowl! Hey, an original G.I. Joe. (picks up both items) With a full frogman suit."
CELIA,"Jerry, what are you doing?",JERRY,I'm putting this on him and we're going to the sink.
CELIA,Ohhh Jerry. (takes them from Jerry and puts them back with the other toys) They're priceless. They've never been played with.,JERRY,"I just want a, touch em a little."
ELAINE,You've been an enormous help.,JERRY,You ran over some pigeons? How many?
GEORGE,What ever they had. Miranda thinks I'm a butcher but i-i-it's not my fault is it? Don't we have a deal with the pigeons?,JERRY,"Course we have a deal. They get out of the way of our cars, we look the other way on the statue defecation."
GEORGE,Right! And these pigeons broke the deal. I will not accept the blame for this!,JERRY,So Miranda's cooled on ya?
GEORGE,I'm getting nothing.,JERRY,"Yeah, me neither."
GEORGE,Really? I thought you and Celia were sleeping together?,JERRY,"Oh, the sex is wild but she's got this incredible toy collection and she won't let me near it!"
GEORGE,I don't understand women.,JERRY,Here comes one.
ELAINE,All because of this creepy new guy at work. He just - he just comes out of nowhere and he's right next to you!,JERRY,So he just sidles up?
ELAINE,That's right! He's a real sidler. (points at Jerry),JERRY,Maybe you just didn't see him.
ELAINE,"Wha-You never see him. He sidled me again in my office. I was sitting there making Cup-A-Soup singing that song from ""The Lion King"".",JERRY,Hakuna Matata?
ELAINE,I thought I was alone.,JERRY,That doesn't make it right.
KRAMER,Hey! (moving a chair onto the set),JERRY,Oh my God!
KRAMER,(Outstretched arms) It's the Merv Griffin set. (Claps 7 times),JERRY,How did you get this in here?
KRAMER,"Oh, you just bring it in sideways and (pop) hook it.",JERRY,So where you gonna sleep?
KRAMER,"(putting on jacket) Oh, well a lot of the stars from the 70's - they were not as hygienic as they appeared on TV. You take Mannix for example.",JERRY,I'm gonna get that. (walks across the set towards the blue curtain)
ELAINE,"What? (with arms crossed, she turns quickly and )",JERRY,So three dates and she still won't let me play with her toys.
KRAMER,"Hm, That's interesting. You know someone mentioned to me you were not very happy with your toys, growing up.",JERRY,"Yeah, that was me."
KRAMER,"Oh, that's right, right, right. And uh you mentioned that uh, you didn't get a G.I. Joe. You had an",JERRY,An Army Pete.
KRAMER,Right.,JERRY,He was made of wood and in the rain he would swell up and then split.
ELAINE,"(to Jerry) I'm gonna have to give that guy a taste of his own medicine, so, I am going to sidle, the sidler.",JERRY,"You, sidle? Y-You ... you stomp around like a Clydesdale!"
GEORGE,"Well, it happened again.",JERRY,What happened?
GEORGE,I-I don't get these birds! They're breaking the deal. It-it's like the pigeons decided to ignore me!,JERRY,So they're like everyone else.
GEORGE,"Squirrel? Well, we have no deal with THEM!",JERRY,"(sound of gunfire) Pkew, pkew, pkew, pkew, Pkeeew!"
CELIA,Jerry! (she slides away from him)  Those hands! They never stop!,JERRY,I'm sorry. Got any booze? What's say you and I get ripped!
CELIA,No. Thanks. I have a headache. Can you just get me an aspirin?,JERRY,All right.
ELAINE,"Well, I guess we'll just have - (Lou has left) Ohh, just gimme that. (takes the papers and walks away)",JERRY,"Uhn-uh-uhn - Uhn-uh-uhn - - veeer, veeer, veeer, veeer, veeer, veeer, veeer, veeer A-Ha ha! Mission accomplished! Back to base, Joe. (singing) dee, de-de, de-de-de-de-de (Makes G.I. Joe swim off, legs kicking)"
NEWMAN,(laughs - T-heheheheheheheh) El Paso!,JERRY,What's he here for?
KRAMER,"Ah to take some of the pressure off of me. So, Jerry ah, what's going on with you? I understand there's a young lady in your life. mmm.",JERRY,"Well, actually, it's kind of a funny story because she has this amazing toy collection and last night I finally got to play with them."
KRAMER,Newman. (Kramer smacks Newmans arm),JERRY,"Actually she doesn't even know about the toys. I gave her the wrong kind of medicine and I, guess she passed out!"
KRAMER,"What do you mean ""wrong kind of medicine""?",JERRY,She's even got that old Mattel football game that we love!
NEWMAN,I told you he was a risk.,JERRY,"Oh, like he's not just carrying you! And has been for years!"
CELIA,Hmm. (takes a sip),JERRY,"So when I saw George on the street with an 18 pound turkey and a giant box of wine, I thought ... What a coincidence. We're just about to eat."
CELIA,Ahh.,JERRY,... I think. Have some more wine. (Jerry pours his whole glass of wine into her glass.)
GEORGE,Oh.,JERRY,"Oh, George brought home movies of his boyhood trip to Michigan."
GEORGE,Four hours.,JERRY,More heavy gravy?
DOCTOR,"Hmm-hm. Your home, Mister Costanza. Just make sure he gets his medicine six times a day and keep his tail elevated. (exits)",JERRY,Maybe it'll be fun having a pet.
KRAMER,"Jerry, (claps) aaya - what are you doin' tomorrow? I want you to come by the set.",JERRY,"What about my ""questionable material""?"
KRAMER,"Nope, we got a whole new format. Edgy, youthful, plus ... we got Jim Fowler!",JERRY,"Jim Fowler? The animal guy from ""Wild Kingdom"" is coming to your apartment?"
ELAINE,"Hey! (startles Jerry and George) ha ha ha ha. Nice sidle, huh? Speaking, of which I think Ive got that problem, solved.",JERRY,Tic-Tacs work?
ELAINE,You took him over to Celia's?,JERRY,What? It's a victimless crime.
ELAINE,What about the woman who's been drugged and taken advantage of?,JERRY,"Okay, one victim."
GEORGE,"Oh, me, me, me, me, me!",JERRY,"You know, that batter is, like, 30 years old."
GEORGE,"Oh, don't look. T-This is the part where they change me.",JERRY,You're like eight years old.
KRAMER,"But first, we're talking with, Jerry. (looks down to his yellow note cards) Okay, Jerry, uh, you uh, you drugged a woman in order to play with her toy, collection. How do you feel about that?",JERRY,It was great! I've done it a few more time since then.
KRAMER,"And she doesn't know anything, about this?",JERRY,"No, not a thing."
NEWMAN & KRAMER,Woah.,JERRY,"What, What is this? What is she doing here?"
NEWMAN,Go girl!,JERRY,"Well, what kind of woman drinks an entire box of wine?"
KRAMER,(off camera) Are we getting this?,JERRY,So the whole set was destroyed?
MIRANDA,"I got the nut bread, George. Let's go. (exits)",JERRY,So the squirrel's gonna make it?
GEORGE,"Yeah, he's in my bed. I'm sleeping on the couch.",JERRY,On the couch? So you're...
ELAINE,Hey.,JERRY,Morning.
ELAINE,"Look, this is crazy, I can't go on like this.",JERRY,But why?
GEORGE,Does that mean I have to go too?,JERRY,You don't think she's just talking to me?
GEORGE,"Hey, shut up.",JERRY,You shut up.
ELAINE,"No, I don't want this anymore.",JERRY,We'll come to work with you.
GEORGE,And on your dates.,JERRY,And shopping.
GEORGE,...and then when I saw the photo I remembered where I'd seen him; the boom box incident.,JERRY,The boom box incident?
GEORGE,"Summer of '89 I'm at the beach. This family sits up next to me. I go in to the surfs and when I come from out, my clothes, my towel, my umbrella, they're all gone. I am furious, I start screaming to these kids demanding my stuff back and finally I lose it; I grab their boom box and I chuck it in to the ocean.",JERRY,Seems reasonable.
GEORGE,"Then I see my clothes floating out there. The tied took them out, not the kids.",JERRY,Even more reasonable.
GEORGE,"So now, the father is screaming at me, he's demanding that I pay for the boom box. Finally, I gave them a fake address and got the hell out of there.",JERRY,And that guy is your new boss?
KRAMER,"Grinders, sanders, wet stones. They are the ones who botched the Statue of Liberty job.",JERRY,"Right, they couldn't get the green stuff off."
KRAMER,I haven't had a decent sandwich in 13 years.,JERRY,Neither have I.
KRAMER,"Hey, our meat problems are solved.",JERRY,Where did you get this thing?
ELAINE,"Yeah, that's pretty good.",JERRY,"Hey, I got a date with that doctor you met."
ELAINE,Sara Sitarides?,JERRY,Mmhu.
ELAINE,Oh...(falls in to the sofa.),JERRY,What's with you?
ELAINE,"You remember that next door neighbor of mine, the apartment that always smells like potatoes?",JERRY,Your whole building smells like potatoes.
KRAMER,"Yeah well, that's easy. Just let me finish this mile high and I'll be right with you. Oh, and Jerry, we are gonna need a case of Kaiser rolls.",JERRY,I think we might have one left in the stock room.
SARA,I enjoy the challenge of medicine. Naturally you have no idea what it's like to have someone's life depending on you.,JERRY,"Well, I have this neighbor..."
SARA,A joke. Do you have any idea how it feels like to save someone's life?,JERRY,Is it anything like hitting a home run in softball?
SARA,No.,JERRY,Cause I hit a whopper last week!
ELAINE,The cat.,JERRY,He took out Kruger?
KRAMER,This slicer is indomitable.,JERRY,Where did you get that butcher's coat?
ELAINE,"Yeah, how's the doctor date?",JERRY,"Eh, died on the table. Just spent hour and a half making me feel, if I don't save lives, I'm worthless."
ELAINE,"Well, she's very focused. Dermatology is her life.",JERRY,Dermatology?
ELAINE,"Yes, she's a dermatologist.",JERRY,"Saving lives? The whole profession is; eh, just put some aloe on it."
GEORGE,When are you going on your next date with her?,JERRY,"Oh, what's the point?"
GEORGE,"What, you're gonna pass up a wonderful opportunity to put that aloe pusher in her place?",JERRY,Revenge date? That sound like you more than me.
GEORGE,"This good be so sweet, Jerry. Saving lives? She's one step away working at the clinique counter!",JERRY,Dermatologist? Skin doesn't need a doctor!
GEORGE,"Of course not! Wash it, dry it, move on!",JERRY,You're right. I'm gonna call her right now and tell her off.
GEORGE,"No no no no no, this has to be carefully orchestrated. You go to a fancy dinner, flowers...",JERRY,Flowers?
GEORGE,"Yeah, you gotta do it classy (wipes his mouth to his sweater.)",JERRY,"So, you've done this?"
SARA,"Restaurant, flowers...this is so nice.",JERRY,"Well, I'm a classy guy. How's the life saving business?"
SARA,It's fine.,JERRY,"It must take a really really big zit, to kill a man!"
SARA,What is with you?,JERRY,You call yourself a lifesaver. I call you pimple popper MD!
PARRY,I just wanted to thank you again for saving my life.,JERRY,She saved your life?
PARRY,I had skin cancer.,JERRY,Skin cancer! Damn.
CLERK,Then you better get a camera.,JERRY,He looks like a Peanuts character.
GEORGE,"I know. The only way to fix it now, is to get a whole new photo of Kruger.",JERRY,You can do that.
GEORGE,Without his shirt on.,JERRY,"You can't do that. Well, maybe Kruger wasn't the place for you."
GEORGE,It seemed so disorganized.,JERRY,I understand.
GEORGE,"What about the Coast Guard? Seems like a lot of pride there, a lot of tradition.",JERRY,"True. You mean, for you?"
GEORGE,I think.,JERRY,What about your sea sickness?
GEORGE,Maybe I could be a land guy.,JERRY,I don't know if they have land guys.
ELAINE,Pliers?,JERRY,Drawer.
ELAINE,Got it.,JERRY,What are they for?
ELAINE,I...eh...I got a piece a my heal stuck in a slicer.,JERRY,Come again?
GEORGE,I forgot to ask you; how did the revenge date go?,JERRY,"Eh, it went okay."
GEORGE,"Did you dressed nice, did you do it classy?",JERRY,"Yeah, I started out real classy..."
GEORGE,"Yeah you did, you classed it up!",JERRY,But then I found out about the skin cancer.
GEORGE,"Oh, so it backfired?",JERRY,Yeah.
ELAINE,"Of course she treats skin cancer. That's how I met her, she was doing a skin cancer screening at Peterman. That's what dermatologists do.",JERRY,"Sadly, that knowledge could've help me."
GEORGE,"Jerry, you gotta talk to Sitarides.",JERRY,Yesterday you said I had to get my revenge on her!
GEORGE,"And that was wrong, Jerry! You simple must to apologize..",JERRY,Must I?
GEORGE,"Yes! Because it is the mature, adult thing to do.",JERRY,How does that reflect me?
KRAMER,"Oh, well you have fun...(Elaine leaves) oh no clowns...hate clowns...the clowns.",JERRY,"So again, I'm sorry. I had no right to yell at you, you're a life saving doctor and I'm just a comedian..."
SARA,"Jerry, enough. I'll do your friend's cancer screening, because I believe in that, but as far as you and I are concerned; it's off.",JERRY,Was it pimple popper MD?
SARA,That's the one. (Taps Jerry on the cheek and leaves.),JERRY,Still got it.
KRAMER,"So, George took my slicer down to Kruger and they're smoothing it out for me.",JERRY,What the hell is this?
KRAMER,"Boy, that looks like an allergic reaction. Have you been wearing a fake beard?",JERRY,No.
KRAMER,"Well, what have you been doing?",JERRY,"Nothing, I got up, run some errands, I went down to Sara's office and apologized..."
KRAMER,"Whoa whoa, backup, Dr. Sitarides, what happened there?",JERRY,"Well, I tried to apologise, it didn't go over that well..."
KRAMER,"There, there's your hives.",JERRY,"What, she gave me hives?"
KRAMER,"Jerry, as the Bible says; Thou who cureth, can maketh ill.",JERRY,She did kind of touch my face.
KRAMER,"Now you listen to me, you've got to find this woman and tell her that you're not a test tube pin cushion.",JERRY,It does itch. Maybe I will go down at Kruger and talk to her.
SARA,Jerry? What brings you here?,JERRY,"I don't know, this? (Shows his neck to Sara.)"
SARA,Looks like hives.,JERRY,Where do you suppose that could've come from?
KRAMER,He is just setting the record straight.,JERRY,"Come on Sitarides, cop to it. What brand of perverted science do you practice?"
SARA,Are you suggesting I somehow I infected you on purpose?,JERRY,"I want the antidote, pimple popper!"
SARA,"That's it, I'm out of here! You're insane.",JERRY,Am I? You touched my face. I didn't imagine that!
NEIGHBOR,"Oh, oh mama...",JERRY,"So, Kramer pulled it off?"
GEORGE,"Yep, and the photo was all fixed and back on his desk, no thanks to you.",JERRY,"Well, that woman had it coming to her. Look at my neck, it looks like I had a beard of bees!"
GEORGE,Why don't you see someone about it?,JERRY,I've called everyone. You know how hard it is to get a dermatologist in this town? (Kramer comes in) A real dermatologist.
KRAMER,"Yeah, alright...",JERRY,"Hey, I wonder if they have a picture of my rash in here."
KRAMER,"They've got everything there, Jerry. I underlined the best parts.",JERRY,"Hey, this looks like the thing I have. Caused by exposure to benzene, a common ingredient in metal cleaners."
KRAMER,"Well, that's weird.",JERRY,What are you doing?
KRAMER,"Well, I'm cleaning my slicer.",JERRY,"That's my hand towel! I use that on my face, hands and chest! That's where the hives are coming from! It's not from Dr. Sitarides, it's from Dr. Van Nostrand!"
KRAMER,"So, somehow the Bronzo (?) is reacting to the poison she's giving you.",JERRY,"Alright, get out. And take your Bronzo with you (throws the bottle to Kramer.)"
KRAMER,"Yeah, it was olive loaf. You want that?",JERRY,I can't believe Kruger didn't fire you after all you did.
GEORGE,"He said he didn't care. Oh, God I love that place. Hey, have you seen other dermatologist?",JERRY,"Yeah, I finally got to see Dr. Kazarian. He said it was really bad."
GEORGE,What did he give you for it.,JERRY,Aloe. So where's that lock smith?
GEORGE,(Angered) Fine. I'll ask you again when you're rested.,JERRY,"(Sarcastic) Oh, I'm sure she'll come around."
GEORGE,"Yeah, I hope so. For your sake!",JERRY,(To George) I said I was sorry.
GEORGE,"You can stuff you sorries in a sack, mister!",JERRY,(Nauseated at the saying) Would you please stop saying that?!
KRAMER,(To Jerry) So how was the big trip?,JERRY,I don't want to talk about it!
ELAINE,She.. was.,JERRY,'Till she found out Elaine slept with the groom.
GEORGE,"(While skimming a Monk's menu) You know, I didn't go to the bathroom the entire time we were in India.",JERRY,I can't believe we went all the way to India for a wedding!
GEORGE,(While pointing at Jerry) Not me! Him! His fault! He betrayed me!,JERRY,"(Pleading) George, I'm sorry."
GEORGE,"Oh you can stuff your sorries in a sack, Mister!",JERRY,(Confused) I don't know what that means.
SUE ELLEN,No. (Grabbing at the stud in Elaine's nose) And take that stupid thing out of your nose!,JERRY,"That's got to hurt, I don't care where you're from!"
ELAINE,(Whispering to Jerry) Hey.,JERRY,Hey.
ELAINE,What happened last night?,JERRY,"Oh, you were pretty loaded."
ELAINE,(Gesturing to her nose stud) I know. I woke up with this.,JERRY,"Oh. Hello, Tetanus."
GEORGE,"Yeah. (Points to two open seats in front of Jerry's. To Nina) Sit down there. (Sees Jerry in the crowd) Hello, Jerry. (Obviously angered at Jerry) I believe you know Nina.",JERRY,"(As George sits down) George, we need to talk."
GEORGE,(Trying to keep his voice down) I think you've done a lot more than talk! You betrayed me!,JERRY,"Alright, I admit it. I slept with Nina, but that's all."
GEORGE,"(Outraged) ""That's all""?! That's everything! I don't know what all the rest of it is for anyway!",JERRY,(Pleading) I'm really sorry.
GEORGE,"You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister!",JERRY,(Confused) Where'd you get that one?
GEORGE,"(Trying to whisper to Jerry) Look, we are gonna settle this right now! I demand reparations! I should get to sleep with Elaine. That's the only way to punish you!",JERRY,"That doesn't punish me. It punishes Elaine! And cruelly, I might add."
ELAINE,George knows that you slept with Nina. That's why he was acting so weird.,JERRY,How did he find out?
ELAINE,He schnapped me.,JERRY,You know you're not supposed to drink while you're keeping a secret! (Elaine laughs) Is there anything else?
ELAINE,I can't tell you.,JERRY,"(Handing her a small bottle) Here, drink this."
ELAINE,Okay. (Takes a drink and wave Jerry to lean in) I slept with the groom.,JERRY,Pinter?
ELAINE,He used to be called Peter.,JERRY,(Making nothing of it) So? Who cares about that?
ELAINE,"Sue Ellen! If she knew, she'd call off the whole wedding.",JERRY,"Oh, nobody's calling off any weddings. Alright, it's time to go. Come on.. Up."
ELAINE,Do you know what 'Jerry' is in Indian?,JERRY,"(Carrying her out, piggy-back style) No, what?"
ELAINE,(Between laughs) Jugdish.,JERRY,"Yes, Jugdish."
ELAINE,"Hey, what if I got my, nose pierced? That would be pretty freaky.. Oooohhhhaaa! (sliding off Jerry onto the hallway floor)",JERRY,"(Trying to get rid of her) Yes, I think it's a fine idea. Well, good night."
Notice,"""ONE HOUR EARLIER""",JERRY,Bless you.
ELAINE,"Oh, God, it's so hot! (Sniffing) What is that smell?",JERRY,(Joking around) I think it's the stench of death.
ELAINE,"(Sees her enemy, Sue Ellen, at the airport) Oh boy. There's Sue Ellen. She didn't want me at this wedding, but here I am with a bunch of my idiot friends!",JERRY,(Giddy) This is gonna be great!
GEORGE,"(Leading Nina out the airport) Oh, no. No. We're good. Let's get goin'. Alright. (Almost bumps into Jerry) Watch it, funny man. (Leaves)",JERRY,"Elaine, have you noticed George was acting strange the whole flight?"
ELAINE,(Acting equally strange) No. What? Like what? What? Strange.. No. I..,JERRY,"(Pulls a small bottle out of his pocket) Uh-huh. Hey, look what they had on the plane. Schnapps."
GEORGE,"Hello, friend. Enjoying the flight?",JERRY,Coach to India - The only way to go.
GEORGE,"(Heavily sarcastic. He's angered at Jerry) Good one. Very funny. You're very funny, Jerry. That's what I always tell people. (Yelling out) Jerry Seinfeld's a funny guy!",JERRY,You all right?
GEORGE,"Of course I'm all right. I'm here with my girl, Nina. And what better way to pass the time than gabbing with my best friend -- with whom there are no secrets. (Flashes two intertwined fingers) Like this. Since the fourth grade.",JERRY,"(Joking around) Hey, didn't I beat you up in the fourth grade?"
ELAINE,"Hey, what time is it? (she looks up and asks as Jerry walks in the aisle)",JERRY,You just asked me two minutes ago.
ELAINE,"Hey, what time is it?",JERRY,"Ah, Im not wearing a watch."
ELAINE,Oh (quietly). Is this tooth chipped? (pointing to a tooth),JERRY,Yeah. Howd ya do that?
NEWMAN,(Suggesting Jerry) Does yours?,JERRY,(Giving Newman a sour look) I'm just hanging out in this hell-hole because of George.
NEWMAN,(Kissing the woman) Beauty .. and brains. (they nuzzle noses),JERRY,"(Disgusted. To the woman) Oh, come on. You know he's a postman, don't ya?"
ELAINE,Heres your plane ticket.,JERRY,What are you talking about.
ELAINE,"Sue Ellen sends me an invitation, one week before her wedding in India. Tst, Ill show her...",JERRY,By flying half way around the world?
ELAINE,Spite Never sleeps (doing a little dance as she says it,JERRY,Especially when you got a layover in Sarajevo. (Bosnia Herzegovina)
GEORGE,"Great. Jerry, I gotta tell you, I had the BEST TIME with that Nina last night. I - I think I'm in love with her already. You are a great friend. (Hugs Jerry) A great, great friend.",JERRY,"(Trying to change the subject away from Nina) Hey - Hey Kramer, what are you doing? You want to borrow something? You want to eat something? Come on in!"
GEORGE,"Great! (snaps fingers and grabs the extra plane ticket) Nina could go, huh? Jerry, this is great. You and Elaine. Me and Nina.",JERRY,"H-Hey, Kramer, wait up. I'll go with you."
KRAMER,I'm goin' to Newman's!,JERRY,"Great, I love Newman! (Eagerly following Kramer)"
ELAINE,"Well, Ahh, this Mischke mish-mash is just gettin' worse.",JERRY,Uh-huh.
ELAINE,I talked with the groom's parents..,JERRY,Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm..
ELAINE,... And it's so obvious that they don't want..,JERRY,Uh-huh..
ELAINE,... me to go.,JERRY,Sure.
ELAINE,"So, the only reason ...",JERRY,Uh-huh.
ELAINE,... she sent me an invitation was that so I'd send her a gift.,JERRY,Uh-huh.
NINA,(From Jerry's room) Jerry?,JERRY,"(To Elaine) Uh, well, you know, a coffee grinder is nice. Or a coffee maker. Everyone likes coffee. Anything to do with coffee. Maybe you should go get some coffee."
NINA,"(Getting ready to leave) Oh, I should... um...",JERRY,Sure.
ELAINE,(Gesturing back to the bedroom) Who else ya got back there?,JERRY,"Look, there was an awkward moment in the conversation. It never happened before."
ELAINE,You slept with Nina? What are you gonna tell George?,JERRY,Nothing. And neither will you. George can never know about this.. It'll crush him.
ELAINE,"Uh. Alright, alright. I'll put it in the vault.",JERRY,No good. Too many people know the combination.
ELAINE,Don't be ridiculous.,JERRY,Oh my god. This drawer is filled with Fruit Loops!
ELAINE,So what?,JERRY,And milk.
KRAMER,"Oh, geez..",JERRY,(From outside the apartment) Hello?
NINA,"Oh, you were going to tell me all about George.",JERRY,"Ah, just remember when you see him tomorrow night to tell him that the waiter liked him."
NINA,Really?,JERRY,"Believe me. You know, I forgot how much fun it is hanging out with you."
NINA,"I know. You know, we never had a bad conversation.",JERRY,I know. No awkward pauses. Probably the reason we never fooled around..
NINA,Heh.. yeah.,JERRY,Probably the reason..
Notice,"""TEN MINUTES EARLIER""",JERRY,"Kramer, I know what I'm talking about. There's no way FDR wants you to drop dead."
KRAMER,But you haven't seen..,JERRY,Just go back and ask him again. (Slams the door on Kramer)
GEORGE,(Guessing the look) Stink eye?,JERRY,(Also guessing) Crook eye?
KRAMER,"EVIL, eye.",JERRY,"Well, everybody's a little cranky on their birthday."
GEORGE,"Oh, it's a bad day. Uh, you got everyone in your house, you're thinkin', ""These are my friends?!""",JERRY,Everyday is my birthday. (Sarcastically joking off what George said)
ELAINE,You're not gonna believe what I got in the mail. Invitation to Sue Ellen Mischke's wedding.,JERRY,"(Joking about the bra-less wonder) Well, at least the wedding gown will give her some support."
ELAINE,Not the point. The wedding is in one week. I got this (Holds up invitation) today.,JERRY,So you think it's a non-vite?
ELAINE,"Ah. (Looking at the invitation) Hey, look at this. 'Pinter Ranawat'.. I wonder if he's related to that guy I dated, Peter Ranawat..",JERRY,"Ah, it's probably like Smith over there."
ELAINE,What call?,JERRY,"He wants me to set him up with this girl, Nina Stengal."
ELAINE,"(Remembers Jerry's talking about her) Oh, the great conversation girl. (Somewhat bitter toward Jerry) The one you think can replace me?",JERRY,I was kidding when I said that!
GEORGE,(To Elaine) Told me the same thing.,JERRY,"(On the phone) Nina, Hi. It's Jerry."
GEORGE,You-you sure you never slept with her? (Jerry shakes his head 'no') Perfect.,JERRY,"(To Nina) Hey, how 'bout my friend, George? Quite a guy, huh?"
GEORGE,I'll have the Clams Casino.,JERRY,Get outta here.
GEORGE,"(Showing Jerry the menu) ""Chef recommends""",JERRY,Hmm..
GEORGE,(Motioning toward waitress) I think she likes me.,JERRY,Sure.
GEORGE,"So, how come nothing ever happened between you and Nina? (Getting paranoid) Is there a problem with her? Is she a man?",JERRY,Are you?
GEORGE,"Well, what's the reason?",JERRY,We were too compatible Our conversations were so engrossing.
GEORGE,How engrossing?,JERRY,"If we ever had a problem with Elaine, we could bring in Nina and not lose a step."
GEORGE,"Wow! Heh. (Half kidding) You don't, huh, have a replacement lined up for me, do ya? heh he he he he he...",JERRY,"Anyway, like I was saying, I couldn't make the transition from conversation to sex. There were no awkward pauses... I need an awkward pause."
GEORGE,"I'm all for awkward pauses. Fix me up with her.. Wait a minute, Nina just saw me in my Timberlands! Now I have to wear them every time I see her.",JERRY,Why?
GEORGE,"In any other shoe, I lose two inches. I - I can't have a drop down. We were eye to eye, I can't go eye to chin!",JERRY,"So, you're gonna wear 'em no matter what the situation?"
GEORGE,In every situation. No matter how silly I look. (Tastes his Clams Casino) Hm.. tastes a little funky.,JERRY,"Oh, I'm sure it's fine."
GEORGE,"Ah, this is the kind of day that almost makes you feel good to be alive.",JERRY,"Almost. (Notices his shoes) Hey, new Timberlands?"
GEORGE,"Yeah, and a whole new me. I'm up two inches in these babies!",JERRY,Really?
NINA,Jerry?,JERRY,Nina?
NINA,Hi.,JERRY,It's been years!
NINA,Yeah!,JERRY,"(Introducing the two) George, this is Nina."
NINA,And they call it the World Wide Web. You can e-mail anyone!,JERRY,"(Mesmerized) What are you, a scientist?!"
NINA,"Ah, I gotta go. (Gets up to leave)",JERRY,Ah.
NINA,It's great talkin',JERRY,Great talkin' to you. (Nina leaves. To himself) What the hell is e-mail?
GEORGE,How as the date?,JERRY,Pretty good. I think she might be the one.
KRAMER,"Hey, hey. Yeah, check it out. It's packin' tight! (Puts the snowball on the table, then drips water from Jerry's cup onto it)",JERRY,What are you bringing snowballs in here for?
KRAMER,"Oh, I need some water. Ice it up nice and hard ... and when you throw it - Pop! Oh look, (FDR is at the cash register, pays and leaves Monks) there's my friend, FDR. I'm gonna nail him in the back of the head. It's gonna be great! (Rushes out of Monks to peg his friend with the snowball)",JERRY,"Hi, Elaine."
KRAMER,"Oh, hey, how you doing?",JERRY,"Oh, hi. I-I'm Jerry Seinfeld. I'm movin' in. I saw your name on the buzzer - You must be Kessler."
KRAMER,"Uh, no. Actually, it's Kramer.",JERRY,Oh.
KRAMER,"Uh, you need any help, or..?",JERRY,"No, thanks. But I ordered a pizza. You want some of it?"
KRAMER,"Ah, no, no, no. I-I couldn't impose.",JERRY,"Why not? We're neighbors. What's mine is yours. (And with that, Jerry made the most fatal mistake of his life)"
Sari / Saree,"A long piece of cotton or silk cloth, constituting the principal garment of Hindu women, worn round the waist, one end falling to the feet, and the other crossed over the bosom and shoulder, and sometimes over the head.",JERRY,"(tapping the spatula while waiting for waffles to be done) Any second now. Light is on! Melissa, waffles are ready."
MELISSA,"(appearing in the kitchen stark naked) Oh, fantastic! I'm starving.",JERRY,(looking at her) How about that.
GEORGE,She ate breakfast naked?,JERRY,She didn't even want a napkin.
GEORGE,"I've had bedroom naked, I've had walk-to-the-bathroom naked... I have never had living-room naked.",JERRY,"Oh, it's a scene."
GEORGE,"It's like you're livin' in the Playboy Mansion! Did she, uh, did she frolic?",JERRY,I don't really have enough room.
PUDDY,Hi.,JERRY,Hey.
ELAINE,(sitting down in the booth) 'Kay.,JERRY,Back together?
ELAINE,"His apartment was being fumigated, so we thought we'd give it another shot.",JERRY,Ah...
ELAINE,He called to apologize for standing me up five years ago.,JERRY,Why now?
GEORGE,Ho ho ho ho! I can't wait for Hanke to come crawling back to me.,JERRY,Still with the neck hole?
GEORGE,I asked if I could borrow a sweater.,JERRY,A cashmere sweater.
ELAINE,"Well, it's funny. I mean, you have a big head. Or is it 'cause of your neck?",JERRY,"No, I think the head does most of the stretching."
KRAMER,"You went to the coffee shop without me? I told ya, I just wanted to hop in the shower.",JERRY,That was an hour ago. What were you doing in there?
KRAMER,Showering. How long does it take you?,JERRY,Ten minutes.
ELAINE,"So get this. I'm in the bathroom at work today, and I see Peggy using a seat protector.",JERRY,So?
ELAINE,"So... we're the only women on the floor. I mean, we're like roommates. Would-would you use a seat protector if you had a roommate?",JERRY,"(seeing Kramer struggle to open a soda, spilling it all over) I think the damage is probably already done. (interrupting Kramer's inadequate attempt to clean up the soda) All right! I'll get that. Well, maybe she just practices good hygiene."
ELAINE,"(eyeing Jerry meticulously cleaning up the soda) Yeah, you're probably right. She's probably one of those neurotic clean freaks.",JERRY,Mmm.
KRAMER,"Well, here's my shower routine. Maybe I can make some changes. Get wash cloth mittens and maybe some liquid soap, and just... -pop- focus!",JERRY,(playing Scrabble with his naked girlfriend) Zephyr? That is not a word.
MELISSA,Do you challenge?,JERRY,"No, I do not challenge."
MELISSA,66 points. Ha ha.,JERRY,"I'd accuse you of cheating, but I don't know where you'd hide the tiles."
MELISSA,You want some more ice tea?,JERRY,Sure.
GEORGE,So she coughed.,JERRY,"Coughing... naked... It's a turn-off, man."
GEORGE,Everything goes with naked.,JERRY,"When you cough, there are thousands of unseen muscles that suddenly spring into action. It's like watching that fat guy catch a cannonball in his stomach in slow motion."
GEORGE,"Oh, you spoiled, spoiled man. Do you now how much mental energy I expend just trying to picture women naked?",JERRY,"But the thing you don't realize is that there's good naked and bad naked. Naked hair brushing, good; naked crouching, bad. Hey, there's Hanke."
HANKE,"Anyway, uh, Jerry, you know, this may sound dumb, but, you know, when we first met I thought your name was Gary. And, I think I may even have called you Gary a couple of times, and... I don't know if you noticed, but I always felt bad about it, so, I'm sorry.",JERRY,"Thank you. I did notice, and I appreciate you rectifying it."
KRAMER,"(enters) Well, I just got out of a 27-minute shower. I made some good cuts, and I didn't lose anything I needed. Yeah, I think what I kept is even stronger now.",JERRY,(pointing to Kramer's hair) You got some suds over here.
KRAMER,"(noticing suds all over his clothes and body) Wha...? Oh, man! Geez! Look at that! I'm all lathery. Jerry, you got to show me what I'm doing wrong.",JERRY,"Oh, come on!"
KRAMER,"No, I mean it, man. I'm lost!",JERRY,You promise you'll never come in here again?
KRAMER,"(chuckling) Oh, Jerry, you know I can't do that.",JERRY,"(standing in the bathtub) Now my sense of it is that you're probably wasting time working piecemeal, first cleaning one area, then another."
KRAMER,"Well, that's how cats do it.",JERRY,"But, when you have a faucet instead of a tongue, you want to use gravity."
KRAMER,OK. Let's turn the water on now.,JERRY,"No, I told you, it's just a dry run."
GEORGE,"(entering Jerry's bathroom) Well, Hanke's moved on to Step Ten. He was spotted taking personal inventory.",JERRY,That's Step Ten?
KRAMER,"Come on, Jerry. How about a-a baggy swimsuit?",JERRY,"You're not gettin' any skin, Kramer."
KRAMER,(walking into Jerry's apartment with a fresh black eye) You got a steak?,JERRY,What happened to you?
KRAMER,"Ah, people in this city are crazy.",JERRY,(giving him a steak from the fridge) Here ya go.
KRAMER,"(applying the steak to his eye) Thanks, buddy. Oh... yes! Hey, you got any A1, 'cause I'm cooking a steak.",JERRY,What?
KRAMER,"Yeah, a different one.",JERRY,(closing the door on him) Oh!
MELISSA,"(wheeling out Jerry's bicycle) OK, Jerry. I fixed that bike.",JERRY,Oh. That wasn't really necessary. I don't ride it. It's just for show.
MELISSA,(crouching down next to the bike) I should really clean those bearings. Hold this. Look at all that gunk.,JERRY,Please don't crouch.
MELISSA,Ouch! Caught my skin.,JERRY,"Oh, that's bad. Especially that area."
MELISSA,You got anything to snack on?,JERRY,Uhh...
MELISSA,"(grabbing the pickle jar and straining to open it) Oh, pickles! Unnhhhh! It's a tough one.",JERRY,"Look, please stop! Let me help you with that!"
MELISSA,(finally opening the jar) Unnnnh! Oooh. That's gonna leave a welt. Look at that.,JERRY,(leaving the room) I can't. I can't look anymore. I-I-I've seen too much.
ELAINE,"(leaving the room after rubbing Peggy's keyboard on her butt, sticking the stapler in her armpit, and coughing on her doorknob) Oh. All right. You think I've got germs? I'll give you some germs. How about some for your keyboard, huh? Huh? Oooh, how about for your stapler. Hmmm? That's good, isn't it? You have a happy and a healthy.",JERRY,"Well, technically he did apologize."
GEORGE,"Jerry, I felt like a straight man in some horrible sketch. He was riffing! Riffing! On my pain!",JERRY,"So now you want an apology for the apology, plus the original apology?"
GEORGE,That's right. I'm two in the hole!,JERRY,"Well, I hit the wall yesterday with Lady Godiva. She did a full body flex on a pickle jar."
GEORGE,Did you explain to her about the good naked and the bad naked?,JERRY,Where am I gonna get a fat guy and a cannonball?
GEORGE,"Well... what if you showed up bad naked, huh? You still got that belt sander?",JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,"(going into the bathroom) Well, you on all fours, that thing vibratin', kickin' up sawdust, ho ho! She'll get the picture!",JERRY,(answering the ringing phone) Hello?
KRAMER,"Hey, Jerry, guess where I'm calling from!",JERRY,World War I plane?
KRAMER,"No, I'm in my shower. Well, you know, I'm trying to get out of the shower sooner, and then I ask myself, 'Why?' I mean this is where I want to be. So I got a waterproof phone, I shaved, I brushed my teeth, and now I ordered a pair of chinos from J. Crew.",JERRY,When are ya gettin' out?
MELISSA,(naked on the couch) What are you doing?,JERRY,"(naked, carrying a belt sander) I found a rough spot on the kitchen floor, I thought I'd polish it up with this belt sander I have here."
MELISSA,"No, not that. Why are you naked?",JERRY,I thought naked is good.
GEORGE,I'm losin' it!,JERRY,He took you to Rage-aholics? Why?
GEORGE,Probably because this whole Universe is against me!,JERRY,You've got a little rage.
GEORGE,I know. And now they want me to bottle it up. It makes me so mad!,JERRY,"By the way, my bad naked demo didn't quite work."
GEORGE,This bread has nuts in it!,JERRY,"(seeing Elaine enter Monk's) Oh, great. Elaine. What is wrong with my body?"
ELAINE,Chicken wing shoulder blades.,JERRY,That's it?
ELAINE,"No, but that's one problem. Why?",JERRY,"Well, I was walking around naked in front of Melissa the other day--"
ELAINE,"Well, the female body is a... work of art. The male body is utilitarian, it's for gettin' around, like a jeep.",JERRY,So you don't think it's attractive?
ELAINE,"OK, we're broken up for the rest of the day.",JERRY,So I'm glad we had a talk and worked this out. Don't you feel this is better?
MELISSA,This is nice.,JERRY,"Yes, clothes. This is normal."
MELISSA,"Jerry? Jerry, are you listening to me?",JERRY,Oh... yeah. What? I'm sorry.
MELISSA,I wanted to know what you're doing tomorrow.,JERRY,"Oh, maybe a haircut, and, I don't know, maybe a..."
KRAMER,"(in the shower, on the phone with Jerry) So you broke up?",JERRY,"We couldn't carry on a conversation. I kept trying to picture her naked, she kept trying to not picture me naked."
KRAMER,Hang on.,JERRY,So what are you up to?
KRAMER,"Oh, just cooking up a little thank you for Puddy. Hey, how do you make those radish roses?",JERRY,"Insert a knife into the center and twist. Then, to make it bloom, soak it in water for thirty to forty minutes."
ELAINE,"So.. Whatley's still Jewish, huh?",JERRY,"Oh, sure. With out the parents, it's a breeze."
TIM,Hey! Happy Chanukah!,JERRY,"Hey, Tim. Great party."
ELAINE,Oh.. (sees a guy looking at her) I got denim vest checking me out. (laughs) Fake phone number's coming out tonight.,JERRY,You have a standard fake?
ELAINE,Mm-hmm.,JERRY,"(Notices an attractive woman walking by, starts to follow her) That's neat."
DENIM VEST,Hi!,JERRY,"Hi, I'm Jerry."
GEORGE,Hey.,JERRY,Hey! How'd it go with the cocktail franks?
GEORGE,Great! I ate the entire platter! Had to call in sick today.,JERRY,Didn't you call in sick yesterday?
GEORGE,"Hey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing ""We don't care, and it shows.""",JERRY,(Notices George brought hhis mail) You're gonna open your mail here?
GEORGE,"Hey, at least I'm bringing something to this. (Starts flipping through envelopes, reads one ) ""Have you seen me?"" (Flicks it aside) Nope. (looks at next envelope) Woah, something from Whatley.",JERRY,"See? You give, and you get."
GEORGE,"(Reading the card from Whatley) ""This holiday season a donation has been made in your name to the Children's Alliance.""?",JERRY,"Oh, that's nice."
GEORGE,"I got him Yankee's tickets! He got me a piece of paper saying ""I've given your gift to someone else!""",JERRY,To a children's charity!
ELAINE,Hey!,JERRY,Hey.
ELAINE,"(To waitress) Oh, nothing for me. (Waitress leaves) I'm going to ""Atomic Sub"" later.",JERRY,"""Atomic Sub""? Why are you eating there?"
ELAINE,"I got a card, and they stamp it every time I buy a sub. 24 stamps, and I become a submarine (makes a gesture) captain.",JERRY,What does that mean?
GEORGE,"It's nothing, stop it..",JERRY,When George was growing up..
GEORGE,"(Interrupting) Jerry, No!",JERRY,His father..
GEORGE,No!,JERRY,"Hated all the commercial and religious aspects of Christmas, so he made up his own holiday."
GEORGE,(pleading) Alright..,JERRY,"And instead of a tree, didn't your father put up an aluminum pole?"
GEORGE,Jerry! Stop it!,JERRY,And weren't there a feats of strength that always ended up with you crying?
ELAINE,"Oh, I can't believe it! I've lost my ""Atomic Sub"" card!.. Oh no! I bet I wrote that fake number on the back of it when I gave it to denim vest!",JERRY,So?
ELAINE,"I've eaten 23 bad subs, I just need 1 more! It's like a long, bad movie, but you want to see the end of it!",JERRY,"No, you walk out."
ELAINE,"Alright, then, it's like a boring book, but you gotta finish it.",JERRY,"No, you wait for the movie!"
ELAINE,"(Irritated, and through clinched teeth) I want that free sub.",JERRY,"You don't need the card. High-end hoagie outfit like that, it's all computerized! (Snaps) They're cloning sheep now."
KRAMER,"(Correcting) No, they're not cloning sheep. It's the same sheep! I saw Harry Blackstone do that trick with two goats and a handkerchief on the old Dean Martin show!",JERRY,"So, why don't you just try your blow-off number and see if he's called it?"
KRAMER,"(Answering phone) Yeah, Go! Wha.. really? Yeah, ok. Yeah! Bye. (Hangs up) Great news! Yeah, the strike has been settled. I'm going back to work.",JERRY,What strike?
KRAMER,"Yeah, H&H Bagels. That's where I worked.",JERRY,You?
ELAINE,Worked?,JERRY,Bagels?
KRAMER,"Now you know who to thank for that!.. Alright, I've got to go. (Heads for the door)",JERRY,Why didn't you ever mention this?
TIM,"Hey, Jerry.",JERRY,"Hey, Tim."
TIM,What's up?,JERRY,"Actually, I'm having dinner with a girl I met at your party."
GWEN,Jerry.. hi.,JERRY,Gwen?
GWEN,Yeah.,JERRY,(Not willing to believe how much uglier she is) Really?
GEORGE,"So, attractive one day - not attractive the next?",JERRY,Have you come across this?
GEORGE,"Yes, I am familiar with this syndrome -- she's a two-face.",JERRY,(Relating) Like the Batman villain?
GEORGE,(Annoyed) If that helps you..,JERRY,"So, if I ask her out again - I don't know who's showing up The good, the bad, or the ugly."
GEORGE,(Identifying what Jerry said) Clint Eastwood!,JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,"Hey, check this out. I gotta give out Christmas presents to everyone down at Kruger, so I'm pulling a Whatley. (Give a Christmas card to Jerry)",JERRY,"(Reading it) ""A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund."" - What is that?"
GEORGE,(With pride) Made it up.,JERRY,"(Continuing reading) ""The Human Fund. Money for people."""
GEORGE,What do you think?,JERRY,It has a certain understated stupidity.
GEORGE,"(Once again, Identifying) The Outlaw of Josey Whales!",JERRY,..Yeah.
KRAMER,"Ah, gentlemen.. bagels on the house!",JERRY,How was your first day?
KRAMER,"Oh, fantastic! (Jerry and George both pick out a bagel) It felt so good to get my hands back in taht dough.",JERRY,Your hands were in the dough?
GEORGE,"Alright. Uh, well, I'm out of here. (Gets up to leave)",JERRY,Happy Festivus!
KRAMER,What's Festivus?,JERRY,When George was growing up..
GEORGE,(Interrupting) No!,JERRY,His father..
ELAINE,"Kramer, listen, I got a little phone relay going, so, if a guy calls H&H and he's looking for me, you take a message.",JERRY,You're still trying to gget that free sub?
ELAINE,"Hey! I have spent a lot of time, and I have eaten a lot of crap to get to where I am today. And I am NOT throwing it all away now.",JERRY,Is there a captain's hat involved in this?
GWEN,Hey.,JERRY,"Boy, am I glad to see you."
GWEN,You were expecting someone else?,JERRY,You never know.
GWEN,"(To driver) You know, you might want to take the tunnel.",JERRY,"So, uh, what do you feel like eating? Chinese or Italian?"
GWEN,I can go either way.,JERRY,(Shocked) You're telling me.
GEORGE,"So, she was switching? Back and forth?",JERRY,"Actually, the only place she always looked good was in that back booth over there."
GEORGE,"So, just bring her here. This is all you really need.",JERRY,"I can't just keep bringing her to the coffee shop. I mean, what if things, you know, progress?"
GEORGE,Lights out.,JERRY,"Alright, I'll give it a shot! I do really like this coffee shop. Nice cuff links, by the way."
GEORGE,"(Pointing to them) Office Christmas gift. I tell you, this Human Fund is a gold mine!",JERRY,"That's not a french cuff shirt, you know."
GEORGE,I know. I cut the button off and poked a hole with a letter opener.,JERRY,"Oh, that's classy."
GWEN,Hey.,JERRY,"I there. This is Kramer, and Frank."
GWEN,"So, you ready to go?",JERRY,"Uh, why don't we stay here? The back booth just opened up. (They both walk to the booth and sit down. Suddenly, Gwen is attractive) Now this is a good looking booth."
GWEN,"Jerry, how many times do we have to come to this.. place?",JERRY,Why? It's our place.
GWEN,I just found a rubber band in my soup.,JERRY,Oh.. I know who's cooking today!
GEORGE,"Hey! Surprise, surprise!",JERRY,"Hey, Georgie!"
GWEN,I think I'm just gonna go.,JERRY,I'll be here.
GEORGE,"(Sees Gwen's meal) Hey, soup.",JERRY,She didn't touch it.
GEORGE,"Ohh.. Paco! (Flicks rubber band tward the kitchen) Hey, take a look at this. (Hands Jerry Kruger's check)",JERRY,20 thousand dollars from Kruger? You're not keeping this.
GEORGE,I don't know.,JERRY,Excuse me?
GEORGE,I've been doing a lot of thinking. This might be my chance to start giving something back.,JERRY,You want to give something back? Start with the 20 thousand dollars.
GEORGE,I'm serious.,JERRY,You're going to start your own charity?
GEORGE,Embracing my roots.,JERRY,They nailed you on the 20 G's?
GWEN,Jerry!,JERRY,Gwen! How'd you know I was here?
ELAINE,"Hey, I was in a shvitz for 6 hours. Give me a break.",JERRY,"Gwen. Gwen, wait! Ah! (runs back to his seat) Bad lighting on the porch."
KRAMER,"Uh-oh. Oh, gee, Frank, I'm sorry. I gotta go. I have to work a double shift at H&H.",JERRY,I thought you were on strike?
GEORGE,"When are they gonna have the flying cars, already?",JERRY,"Yeah, they have been promising that for a while.."
GEORGE,"Years. When we were kids, they made it seem like it was right around the corner.",JERRY,I think Ed Begley Jr. has one.
GEORGE,No. That's just electric.,JERRY,"What about Harrison Ford? He had one in, uh, Blade Runner. That was a cool one."
GEORGE,"(Sarcastically) What's the competition, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?",JERRY,"Well, what do you think the big holdup is?"
GEORGE,The government is very touchy about us being in the air. Let us run around on the ground as much as we want. Anything in the air is a big production.,JERRY,"Yeah, right. And what about the floating cities?"
GEORGE,And the underwater bubble cities?,JERRY,It's like we're living in the '50s here.
KRAMER,It's good suspension!,JERRY,"(To Kramer) Would you stop it? You'll have plenty of time to destroy it after I get it. Hey, George, I'm buyin' this car. (Gestures to a black Saab)"
GEORGE,Shhh What is wrong with you? You never tell 'em you like the car. (Advising) You're not sure what you want. You don't even know why you're here.,JERRY,(Gestures to his forehead) Youre getting that vein again.
GEORGE,I'm starving. We should have had lunch first..,JERRY,"(Trying to quiet George down) It'll be twenty minutes. I told ya, Puddy's getting me an insider deal."
GEORGE,Since when is Elaine's boyfriend selling cars? I thought he was a mechanic.,JERRY,I guess he graduated.
GEORGE,There's an easy move go from screwin' you behind your back to screwin' you right to your face.,JERRY,(To Kramer) Thank you.
GEORGE,"Puddys just gonna give you the car, huh? (Skeptically) Youll see. First they stick you with the undercoating, rust-proofing, dealer prep. Suddenly, youre on your back like a turtle.",JERRY,All right. Calm down.
KRAMER,"Jerry, I dont think this thing is hooked up right.",JERRY,"(To Kramer) All right, were goin in."
GEORGE,(Threatening) Hold it! One more step and were walkin!,JERRY,"(Scolding) George. (To salesman) Sorry, were just waiting for David Puddy."
ELAINE,(Full of pride) My new salesman boyfriend took me out to celebrate his promotion.,JERRY,Ah. Whered you go?
ELAINE,I had the roast beef,JERRY,"So, Puddy, I decided Im gonna go with another 900 convertible."
GEORGE,"(Getting up, he addresses Jerry) All right, remember no rust-proofing. Commit to nothing. If you have to speak - mumble.",JERRY,"(As George is leaving for the donuts) Au revoir, Le George."
GEORGE,Dont think it cant happen! (Leaves),JERRY,"So, Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more ""grease monkey""."
PUDDY,I dont care for that term.,JERRY,"Oh. Sorry, I didnt know.."
PUDDY,"No, I dont know too many monkeys who could take apart a fuel injector.",JERRY,I saw one once that could do sign language.
PUDDY,"Yeah, I saw that one. Uh.. Koko.",JERRY,"Yeah, Koko."
GEORGE,"Hey, hey, hey! Whats goin on here? (To Jerry) You didnt agree to anything, did ya?",JERRY,No. We both just saw the same monkey.
GEORGE,"(To Jerry) Hey, gimme a dollar.",JERRY,(Getting a dollar out) Wheres your money?
GEORGE,"(On his way out) Heh, heh, heh. Thats what they want you to think.",JERRY,"Hey, Elaine, have you noticed your boyfriend has developed an annoying little habit?"
ELAINE,"(Squints, imitating Puddy) The squinting?",JERRY,No.
ELAINE,"(Stares ahead, again, imitating Puddy) The staring?",JERRY,No. He keeps asking me to give him a high-five.
ELAINE,(Shrugging) I thought all guys do that.,JERRY,"Slapping hands is the lowest form of male primate ritual. In fact, even some of them have moved on - theyre doing sign language now."
ELAINE,Its that bad?,JERRY,What do you think the Nazis were doin? (Imitates the Nazis salute) That was the heil-five.
ELAINE,"(Pointing out) Isnt that from your act, like, ten years ago?",JERRY,"(Slightly embarrassed) It was a good bit in the 80s, and its still relatable today."
[Setting,Dealership back room],JERRY,(Tapping the door you lift to retrieve your candy on the machine) I think the candy comes out over there.
GEORGE,"People can drop change down here, Jerry. And theyre too lazy to pick it up.",JERRY,"Either that, or theyve got a weird little hang-up about lying face-down in filth. Why dont you just go to the cashier?"
GEORGE,The cashier is at lunch - which is where Id like to be.,JERRY,How much was under there?
GEORGE,(Looking at his finger) I think somethin bit me. I just need another nickel.,JERRY,"(While fishing through his pocket for change) Hey, Puddy thinks I should go for the CD player. What do you think? (Hands him a nickel)"
GEORGE,"Ho, ho, ho! Hes got a live one. Hes just reeling his big fish in!",JERRY,"Hey, can I have my dollar back?"
ELAINE,"(While leaving) Thats right. (Mocking Puddy, she puts her hand up) High-five! (Turns around, putting her hand behind her back like he had done) On the flip side! (As Elaine is leaving, she mutters to herself) Takin me to Arbys",JERRY,(Sees Elaine leaving) Hey! Wh-where are you?
PUDDY,Lets finish this up.,JERRY,Did you two break up?
PUDDY,"(While punching up numbers on a calculator) That chicks whacked. Were history. (Back to the transaction) I just left out a couple of things uh, rust-proofing",JERRY,"""Rust-proofing""?"
PUDDY,"(Reading off what hes adding up on the calculator) Transport charge, storage surcharge, additional overcharge, finders fee",JERRY,"""Finders fee""? It was on the lot!"
PUDDY,"Yeah, thats right. (Continues reading off) Uh, floor mats, keys",JERRY,Keys?!
GEORGE,(Watching the mechanic leave) I know about the vein! I cant believe this guy..,JERRY,"Hey, George!"
GEORGE,"Hey, starving! (Grabs the box from Jerry)",JERRY,"No, last one. Listen, you gotta help me out. Elaine and Puddy just broke up, hes treatin me just like a regular customer, now!"
[Setting,Puddys office],JERRY,"(Threatening tone) So, listen, Puddy. When we first started this deal, I thought things were gonna be different. Now, if you want to play hard ball, I got my friend, George, here, and he can play pretty hard ball. (Leaving the negotiation to George) George, vein it up."
GEORGE,"All right, Puddy, listen, and listen good I need to know the name of that mechanic that walks around here. Big guy, a liar. Short name. Sam? Moe? Sol?!",JERRY,"George! Can we focus on the car, here?"
PUDDY,"(Handing a sheet of paper to Jerry) Jerry, I just need your signature here, and well get you that yellow car ready to go.",JERRY,Yellow? I wanted black.
PUDDY,I cant give you black at that price.,JERRY,"(Pleading) George, would you help me, please?"
GEORGE,(Standing up) Yes. This is wrong!,JERRY,"Sing it, sister!"
GEORGE,Just because a candy bar fails to fall from its perch,JERRY,"(Exasperated) Oh, God"
GEORGE,"(Losing it) does not imply transfer of ownership. Moe, Sol, or Lem is not gonna get away with this!",JERRY,(To Puddy) Ill be right back.
PUDDY,Okay.,JERRY,"Hey, George!"
ELAINE,Hello?,JERRY,"(Over the phone) Elaine, youve got to get back down to the dealer. Puddy is screwin me on this car, which is yellow now!"
ELAINE,(Jokingly mimicking Jerry) Who is this?,JERRY,(Banging the phone against the booth) Elaine!
ELAINE,What?!,JERRY,You gotta get back together with Puddy so I can make this deal.
ELAINE,"(Sarcastically) You know, just that you cared enough to call means so much, Jerry.",JERRY,"Youre gonna get back together, anyway. Its thousands of dollars!"
ELAINE,"Oh, I dont know..",JERRY,"Come on. Then you dont have to see him again til my 15,000-mile check."
ELAINE,"Well, will you pay my cab fare out there?",JERRY,Fine.
ELAINE,"And I didnt like that roast beef, so how bout some lunch?",JERRY,No. No lunch.
ELAINE,Ill hang this phone up right now!,JERRY,All right! Lunch!
ELAINE,Ill see ya. (Hanging up the phone),JERRY,Bye. (Hangs up)
ELAINE,Uh,JERRY,"No, no. No, Elaine, the car can wait. Whats important is you two getting back together. Eh, then well talk about the car."
ELAINE,"(Raising her finger at him, in an authoritative tone) David..",JERRY,"Okay. Now, I know this is an important decision. Why dont we all just sit down and talk about it? Come on, come on. (All three sit down) Now, look, you both find each other attractive, right?"
ELAINE AND PUDDY,Right.,JERRY,"Clearly, no one else can stand to be with either one of you."
PUDDY,Good point.,JERRY,"(Smiling, like a salesman) All right. Now, what do I have to do to put you two in a relationship today?"
PUDDY,Theres a mental hospital right near here.,JERRY,"All right. Elaine, David, I believe we have a deal here in principle Arbys no more than once a month. And in exchange, Elaine comes to your softball game, and doesnt read a book."
PUDDY,I can live with that.,JERRY,"So, youre back together?"
PUDDY,Yeah.,JERRY,"All right, all right. All right, thats enough! Lets get back to my deal. That undercoating, thats a rip-off, isnt it, David?"
PUDDY,"Oh, we dont even know what it is.",JERRY,"So, Im gettin the insiders deal?"
ELAINE,(To Jerry) You couldnt just give him one high-five?,JERRY,"And where does it end? Then everyones doin it. Its like the wave at ball games. Air quotes. The phrase, ""Dont go there."" - Someones gotta take a stand!"
ELAINE,"So, George, I still dont understand - how was that a setup?",JERRY,"And who were you tryin to set up, anyway? The mechanic or the manager?"
GEORGE,What was that?,JERRY,I think theres a mental hospital near here.
PUDDY,Ow!,JERRY,"So, Puddy wear's a man fur?"
ELAINE,He was struttin' around the coffee shop like Stein Erickson.,JERRY,"And, of course, you find fur morally reprehensible."
ELAINE,We never dated in winter.,JERRY,You might want to get a look at that bathing suit drawer.
GEORGE,"An apartment-warming gift? We got to give presents to people for moving? Birthdays, Christmas, it's enough gifts. I would like one month off.",JERRY,Kramer said it's a perfect gift. That's what we're gettin' him.
GEORGE,"All right, but we're not buyin' it at Bloomingdale's. I will buy it, you pay me back later. I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense.",JERRY,Cheapness is not a sense.
ELAINE,"I can't stand Joe Mayo's parties. You know, the second you walk in, he's got you workin' for him. 'Hey, can you do me a favor? Can you keep an eye on the ice, make sure we have enough?' Uh...",JERRY,I had a great time at the last one. I was in charge of the music. I turned that mother out.
KRAMER,You got any pliers?,JERRY,"What, has Newman got another army man stuck in his ear?"
KRAMER,"Yeah, so now I can peek to see if anyone is waiting to jack me with a sock full of pennies.",JERRY,But then anyone can just look in and see you.
ELAINE,I'm sorry I can't stay for the... second act.,JERRY,"Hey, George. Here's the model number on that chair, by the way."
NEWMAN,Wallet.,JERRY,What?
KRAMER,"Nobody carries wallets anymore. I mean, they went out with powdered wigs. Yeah, see here's what you need. Just a couple of cards and your bankroll. See, keep the big bills on the outside.",JERRY,That's a five.
GEORGE,"Hey, look at this. This is the same massage chair we're gettin' for Joe Mayo, $60 cheaper.",JERRY,Except the store's in Delaware.
GEORGE,I'll have 'em overnight it.,JERRY,Maybe cheapness is a sense. You know it is better without this big wallet. It's more comfortable.
GEORGE,It doesn't matter if it's more comfortable. It's wrong.,JERRY,Why?
GEORGE,"Because important things go in a case. You got a skull for your brain, a plastic sleeve for your comb, and a wallet for your money.",JERRY,But look at this thing. It's-it's huge. You got more cow here than here.
GEORGE,I need everything in there.,JERRY,Irish money?
GEORGE,I might go there.,JERRY,Show this card at any participating Orlando-area Exxon station...to get your free 'Save the Tiger' poster.
NEWMAN,"Uh, you, uh, you better put something on.",JERRY,"George, I am loving this no wallet thing."
GEORGE,A man carries a wallet.,JERRY,"You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I'm onto something."
JOY MAYO,"Hey, Jerry.",JERRY,"Hey, Joe Mayo. Nice place."
JOY MAYO,Thanks. Jerry...,JERRY,Music?
JOY MAYO,"Actually, can you keep an eye on the aquarium and make sure nobody taps on the glass?",JERRY,But I could do that and the music.
JOY MAYO,"Oh, no, don't worry about the music. Just... have fun!",JERRY,I was ready to get jiggy with it.
PUDDY,Hey.,JERRY,"Hey, Elaine."
ELAINE,Hey. I think you know Dr... Zaius.,JERRY,"So, Elaine, notice anything different about my... pants?"
GEORGE,"No, I don't have it yet.",JERRY,"So, we're givin' him nothing?"
GEORGE,"No, I brought a picture of the chair.",JERRY,Did you at least get him a card?
PUDDY,"Sure thing, Joe Mayo.",JERRY,"Hi, I'm Jerry. How do you like my pants?"
KERI,Nice.,JERRY,"(talking to George) It's working. (to the girl, who's tapping on the aquarium) Don't tap on the glass."
ELAINE,So now Joe Mayo wants me to buy him a new coat.,JERRY,Because you threw it out.
ELAINE,"No, because I was in charge of the coats. It's... insane.",JERRY,But you did actually throw his coat out the window.
ELAINE,"But he doesn't know that. As far as he knows, somebody stole it, and that's the person who should be responsible.",JERRY,But that's you.
GEORGE,"Well, I'm satisfied. Uh...my back is...killing me.",JERRY,Of course. Because of that wallet. You-you got a filing cabinet under half of your ass.
GEORGE,"There, there I'm fine.",JERRY,What was that?
KERI,Ready to go?,JERRY,All set. I can't believe I'm going dancing.
KERI,You don't go that often?,JERRY,"No, because it's so stupid. Shall we?"
KERI,Do me a favor. Can you hold this stuff for me?,JERRY,"Compact, lipstick, all this?"
KERI,And can you help to carry my keys?,JERRY,"What are you, a medieval dungeon master?"
KERI,And a tin of altoids.,JERRY,Ow! Sharp key.
ELAINE,"So, you had to carry some of Keri's stuff. Big deal.",JERRY,"You don't understand. I went on a successful pocket diet, and I want to keep that weight off."
ELAINE,You know what? We sell this thing at Peterman that would be perfect for you.,JERRY,Not more of that crap from the Titanic?
ELAINE,No. No. It's a small men's carryall.,JERRY,I'm not carrying a purse.
ELAINE,It's not a purse. It's European.,JERRY,Oh.
ELAINE,"Hey, did George buy Joe Mayo that chair yet?",JERRY,I don't know.
GEORGE,Yeah?,JERRY,"Hey, George, did you get Joe Mayo that chair yet?"
GEORGE,Not yet. Oh! Ho ho! God...,JERRY,What?
ELAINE,Did he get it?,JERRY,No.
GEORGE,"(hearing Elaine over the phone) What, she's out?",JERRY,"Well, so what? You're gettin' a deal, right? We'll split it three ways."
GEORGE,Allllll right!,JERRY,What is that noise?
GEORGE,(hangs up the phone) That's my toaster. I got to go. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!,JERRY,"You know, sometimes I get the feeling George isn't being completely honest with me."
ELAINE,88th Street? That's where Joe Mayo lives. That's the coat!,JERRY,What was that pop sound?
KERI,Nice carryall.,JERRY,It's European.
KERI,Do you still have my lipstick?,JERRY,"Uh, yeah, I think I do. I can never find anything in here. Ah, here it is. So, that Joe Mayo throws the worst parties, doesn't he? So what was your job?"
KERI,My job was to keep you away from the music.,JERRY,"What, he doesn't like my taste in music?"
KERI,Guess not.,JERRY,You should've been there last year. I got jiggy with it!
KRAMER,"Yeah, something like that.",JERRY,I have to do what?
KRAMER,All you have to do is wear the fur so Silvio thinks it's yours.,JERRY,I'm not wearing the fur.
KRAMER,"Well, then, Newman and I, we get thrown out of the building.",JERRY,Is that right?
KRAMER,"All right, why don't you just take a good, hard look at what your life will be like if I'm not around?",JERRY,"Newman, too?"
KRAMER,"Oh, come on, man! Well, I'll tell you what, if you do this, I'll give you that walkman you're always asking about.",JERRY,That's my walkman!
KRAMER,And you'll get it back.,JERRY,All right.
KRAMER,"Oh, hey, and by the way, uh, that walkman was broke when you gave it to me.",JERRY,"George, did you get that chair yet?"
GEORGE,It gets here when it gets here. Would you stop ridin' me?,JERRY,You know what? Just call up and cancel it. I'm out.
GEORGE,Excuse me?,JERRY,Joe Mayo doesn't like my taste in music. He's not gettin' a gift from me.
GEORGE,"Oh, so now I have to buy this whole chair by myself?",JERRY,"No, you don't have to buy anything."
GEORGE,"I already bought it! I've been lyin' to you for three days, and now you're all screwin' me!",JERRY,I don't understand. Why didn't you tell us you had it?
GEORGE,I needed it! My back is... a little tweaked.,JERRY,Because of your giant wallet. Just get rid of it!
GEORGE,"Never! It is a part of me. I will just return the chair, and it will be easy, because the receipt is in my good friend.",JERRY,Your good friend is morbidly obese.
GEORGE,"Well, at least, I'm not carrying a purse.",JERRY,It's not a purse. It's European!
KRAMER,"All right, Silvio's down there. He's shoveling the walk. Now, all you gotta do is put this on, you go down to the corner, you pick up a paper, and you come right back.",JERRY,All right.
KRAMER,There you go.,JERRY,How do I look?
GEORGE,My receipts! The chair! My tiger poster!,JERRY,"Hey, Silvio, just out for a little stroll in my favorite fur coat."
SILVIO,That is your coat?,JERRY,It sure is.
SILVIO,Kramer says you need it because you're an entertainer and you're desperate for attention.,JERRY,That's true.
KRAMER,"Jerry, you forgot your purse.",JERRY,"Oh, thanks."
KRAMER,"Hey, Silvio, look at Jerry here, prancing around in his coat with his purse. Yup, he's a dandy. He's a real fancy boy.",JERRY,Maybe this isn't my coat.
ELAINE,"Jerry, where'd you get it? That's his coat.",JERRY,"No, it's not. It's mine. I'm a fancy boy."
KRAMER,That must be the man that's sleeping with your wife.,JERRY,Hey! Officer! Someone took my European carryall!
COP,Your what?,JERRY,"The...black, leather...thing with a strap."
COP,You mean a purse?,JERRY,"Yes, a purse. I carry a purse!"
ELAINE,"Yeah, he was waitin' inside his apartment for him with a sock full of pennies.",JERRY,He should have had a reverse peephole.
PUDDY,"Hey, Babe.",JERRY,Hello? Hello?
PUDDY,All signs point to 'Yes!',JERRY,So your saying UNICEF is a scam?
KRAMER,It's the perfect cover for a money laundering operation . No one can keep track of all those kids with the little orange boxes of change.,JERRY,Oh! No it's Sally Weaver.
KRAMER,Oh! Yeah your old college roommate huh?,JERRY,"No, It's Susan Ross's old college roommate; she moved to New York a few years ago . she's trying to become an actress."
KRAMER,"Hmmm,, Dramatica comedia heh!",JERRY,"Untalented, She's always inviting me to see her in some bad play in tiny room without ventilation. It's really depressing."
KRAMER,Euh.. We don't go to enough theater.,JERRY,She should just give up.
KRAMER,Why don't you just give up?,JERRY,Kramer!!!
KRAMER,"At least that's what Jerry says. Now face it. If it hasn't happen it's not gonna happen. All right, we go grab some bouffe . Join us?",JERRY,So......Susan's dead.....
KRAMER,I think she was happy someone finally said it.,JERRY,Why'd you have to say anything to her?
KRAMER,'felt that the conversation was lagging.,JERRY,Why can't you ever keep your big mouth shut?
ELAINE,"You know, maybe Kramer is right, some people should just give up . I have.",JERRY,What did you wanna be?
ELAINE,"I don't remember, but it certainly wasn't this. Look at this cartoon in the New Yorker, I don't get this.",JERRY,I don't either.
ELAINE,"Come on, We're two intelligent people here. We can figure this out. Now we got a dog and a cat in an office.",JERRY,It looks like my accountant's office but there's no pets working there.
GEORGE,"try shaking it...(long pause) Well,Janet should be here any minute.",JERRY,You've been hiding her from us. you must really like her?
ELAINE,"Jerry, She looks exactly like you.",JERRY,She does not.
ELAINE,"Well maybe she doesn't, I don't care.",JERRY,Hey! Kramer.
KRAMER,"hey! you got some messages.. Yeahumm.. .George, George, Elaine, George again, Elaine, Newman; but that was a crank call. and some Sally woman called said ""Thanks a lot, she's quitting the business, you ruined her life.",JERRY,What! You're the one who ruined her life.
KRAMER,Well that's not how she remembers it.,JERRY,"Well, I got to talk her out of this."
KRAMER,I thought you said she stinks,JERRY,She does stink and she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route; years of rejections and failures till she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry.
KRAMER,Aahh...Who's Janet?,JERRY,"George's girlfriend, Elaine thinks she looks like me but I think it's as you would say,kookie talk."
KRAMER,"yeah, she's a nice girl, kinda quiet though.",JERRY,What are you doing? Don't tell a woman she looks like a man and George doesn't want to hear his girlfriend looks like me and frankly neither do I
KRAMER,"Well how should I have ""broached the subject""",JERRY,"You don't broach, you keep your mouth shut."
KRAMER,Well sounds like someone's having a bad day.,JERRY,Yeah! Because of you.
KRAMER,"Well, I think one of us should leave.",JERRY,"Sally, you can't quit the business. This is all because of me."
SALLY,(nods) Hehumm!!,JERRY,"You can't give up. You don't think people tell me I stink? When I'm on stage that's all I hear; You stink, You suck. We like magic."
SALLY,Really?,JERRY,"Of course, I stink, you stink. It's show bizz. everybody stinks.."
SALLY,Yeah! You've been stinking since the Eighties.,JERRY,"All right, I think we've covered my act. Now you get out there and stink it up with everybody else."
SALLY,"Right!, Yesss!! Thank you I'm gonna do it. (starts to eat her food)",JERRY,NOW!!!!.... (she leaves in a hurry)
ELAINE,"Well I've asked every one at work and nobody gets this cartoon. I mean I don't understand why no one can explain it, but I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.",JERRY,Oh! I think we're at the bottom.
GEORGE,What does that mean?,JERRY,Yeah. What does that mean?
ELAINE,Enjoy. (she leaves),JERRY,Elaine huh?.. She's completely..
GEORGE,Oh! I know....'Cos you don't think Janet?..,JERRY,No....
GEORGE,Why would I...,JERRY,It's ludicrous..
GEORGE,Yes.,JERRY,For either one of us..
GEORGE,No...,JERRY,So...
GEORGE,Exactly.,JERRY,I'm not gay.
GEORGE,"Where's the crazy man, Come on up.",JERRY,Come on in here.
GEORGE,Haaaaaa!!!,JERRY,"What's happening? What, you doing, come and talk to us."
KRAMER,I've made an important life decision.,JERRY,Lets talk about that.
KRAMER,I know you want me to keep my big mouth shut and that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm never gonna talk again.,JERRY,Yeah right.
GEORGE,Silence YES!!,JERRY,Kramer you're never gonna be able to completely stop talking.
KRAMER,"Jerry, ninety four percent of communications is non-verbal. Here watch.",JERRY,Well what does this mean?
KRAMER,That's the idea.,JERRY,Kramer there's no way you stick to this.
KRAMER,(makes a zipper gesture to his mouth) ..Weeeeeepp!!,JERRY,Oh! you just startin' now?
ELAINE,Oh! really (laughs) well you know..... I have others,JERRY,"Sally, I can't believe you're already doing a One-woman show?"
SALLY,"No, no.. It's just a little performance piece I wrote... You know what? You really inspired me,oKay, a tear.",JERRY,Ah! There you are.(Kramer motions silence)
SALLY,"Hi everybody think you're really going to like this 'cos it' about me...All right it's not just about me It's about me and this guy; Jerry Seinfeld. who I like to call; The Devil...Okay, Okay so.. I run into this Jerry on the street and he says to me "" Sally, You stink, You should give up acting."" Oh! I'm doing Jerry Now so you've got imagine I have ; horns, a tail and hooks instead of feet. (big laughs from the audience and Kramer is cracking up)",JERRY,(to Kramer) Oh! Shut up!!!
ELAINE,She does a full hour about how you're the devil .I got to go see this thing.,JERRY,"Good luck, It's sold out for the next three weeks."
ELAINE,Well I bet I can get in once I mention I'm from ...The New Yorker.,JERRY,The New Yorker?
ELAINE,"Yes, The New Yorker, I've met with their cartoon editor and I got him to admit that that cartoon ...MADE NO SENSE....",JERRY,"Wow! Good work, Nancy Drew"
ELAINE,Then we ended up going out to lunch and he had some great gossip about James Thurber.,JERRY,Nodding off...
ELAINE,....And he said I could submit some of my own cartoons.,JERRY,Wow! that's incredible......But you don't draw.
ELAINE,I do to.,JERRY,"What, your sad little horsies, the house with the little curl of smoke, the sunflower with the smiley face. the transparent cube... (as she leaves)"
ELAINE,It's better than your drawings of naked Lois Lane.,JERRY,Where did you see that? Those are private!!!
SALLY,"Jerry, sorry I'm late. Channel Nine is doing a piece on my show. Isn't that great? Do you hate me?",JERRY,"No,no I tought the show was terrific. I was just wondering if you have to keep saying Jerry Seinfeld is the devil."
SALLY,Well...That is the title.,JERRY,I know but I thought that maybe you could mention how I apologized then encouraged you to stick with it.
SALLY,You know I workshopped that and.. SNOOZERS!!! he he he....but I'll tell you what I'll think... It's all a journey.,JERRY,You got a little shmootz there (picks something on her sweater)
NEWMAN,"Excuse me Miss Weaver, OH! My god it is you! I.. I've seen your show six times..",JERRY,What a surprise.
SALLY,"Ok so I go to meet Jerry Seinfeld at this horrible coffee shop right? And he's like ""Hey stop doing your show."" and I'm like, Hello! It's a free country. So then he goes."" Okay Shmootsie"" and he starts pulling at my sweater right?. He's getting, you know, Hands Across America.",JERRY,There really was shmootz on I didn't try to grab her
SALLY,...And this is what he looks like when he's eating...,JERRY,Get Out of my House!!.
ELAINE,"Well boys, I did it. I had to stay up all night but I finally came up with a great New Yorker cartoon.",JERRY,I'd stayed up all night I'd fixed myself up a little before I'd go out.
ELAINE,That is not the point.,JERRY,"some mouthwash, a hat, something."
ELAINE,Just read it!,JERRY,(glances at it) Pretty good.
ELAINE,Pretty good? Well uh! This is a gem . Kramer look it....(Kramer stays silent).....What? It's funny.,JERRY,It's a pig at a complain department.
ELAINE,"And he's saying "" I wish I was taller"" ha ha. See? that's his complaint.",JERRY,I get it.
ELAINE,Do you!!!.. because that's not a normal complaint.,JERRY,"How 'bout if it was something like "" I can't find my receipt my place's a stye."
ELAINE,Everything with you has to be so .. jokey.,JERRY,I'm a comedian.
ELAINE,"I wish I was taller, that's, that's, that's nice. that's real.",JERRY,Well I got a complaint. This cartoon stinks.
ELAINE,"I'll tell you who doesn't think it stinks, The New Yorker. that's right. They're publishing it in their next issue. Oh! you know what I just ran into Newman in the hall and he said you tried to grope Sally Weaver.",JERRY,oh! that's it I'm gonna put an end to this.
ELAINE,"The pig says ""my wife is a slut.""",JERRY,"Now that's a complaint. ...Hello Sally, yeah this is Jerry,I just wanted to leave you a message that I caught your little piece on TV and.."
SALLY,"To cease and desist on behalf of my client, Jerry Seinfeld. Signed ; Crybaby Jerry Seinfeld's Lawyer. Ok but I got two words for you Jerry Seinfeld...(censored beep)...You",JERRY,How could she say that on TV?.. And how did she get a cable special . I 've never gotten a cable special.....well that's it I'm not giving her any more material. We are incommunicado. (to the silent Kramer on the couch beside him) ...Exactly.
GEORGE,George is in big trouble....,JERRY,You ripped off a Ziggy?
ELAINE,"It must've seeped up my subconscious, Puddy has Ziggy bed sheets....D'you read the comics today?",JERRY,"I see that Ziggy's back at the complaint department.. ""The New Yorker is stealing my ideas."" ha ha ha See that's funny.....'cause it's real."
ELAINE,Hey look it ;Sally's cable show's on (Kramer turns around to leave),JERRY,"Hey! Kramer come on in. You've got to watch this, now she's got nothing."
SALLY,(on TV) Master of Evil Jerry Seinfeld has broke off all contacts with me.,JERRY,That's right sister. Why don't you just give up?
SALLY,..OK get this; I heard he makes his best friend date women that look just like him.Hello issues..,JERRY,"Elaine, have you been talking to her?"
SALLY,Oh and speaking of issues . Guess who got a no-polish manicure and begged his neighbor not to tell anyone?,JERRY,(to Kramer) I thought you stopped talking??
KRAMER,...All right ..Starting now......,JERRY,You broke up with her just because she cut her hair! how short?
GEORGE,like that (looking at Jerry),JERRY,You mean like.. (points to his hair)
GEORGE,..That.,JERRY,So she..
GEORGE,Yes..,JERRY,And you don't...
GEORGE,Nooo...,JERRY,So...
GEORGE,Exactly..,JERRY,Hmmmm...
GEORGE,We...must never ever speak of this again..,JERRY,"No, no......(long pause . they stare at the walls) Hey uh.. you want to see a movie?"
GEORGE,Actually I think I'm gonna take a few days off (starts to leave),JERRY,I think that's for the best.
GEORGE,All right (he smiles weakly at Maura),JERRY,She said no?
GEORGE,She said no.,JERRY,What did you do?
GEORGE,What could I do?! We fooled around and went to a movie!,JERRY,"George, both parties don't have to consent to a break-up. It's not like you're launching missiles from a submarine and you both have to turn your keys. Obviously, you didn't make a convincing case. Let me hear your arguments."
GEORGE,"Well, I don't really like her.",JERRY,That's good.
GEORGE,I don't find her attractive.,JERRY,Solid.
GEORGE,I'd like to sleep with a LOT of other women.,JERRY,Always popular.
GEORGE,"Sometimes at restaurants she talks to her food 'Ooh, Mr. Mashed Potatoes, you are sooo goood.'",JERRY,You have an airtight case!
GEORGE,And in bed--,JERRY,I'm afraid we're out of time.
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,"Check these out. These are Jerry Lewis' old cufflinks that he actually wore in the movie ""Cinderfella"". I got 'em at an auction."
GEORGE,I got some cufflinks I could've loaned you.,JERRY,"No, Jerry Lewis is gonna be at this Friar's Club roast I'm goin' to next week. Now I have an in to strike up a conversation with him."
GEORGE,You already have an in. You have the same first name!... (no reaction) 'Jerry'!,JERRY,"Oh, that'll intrigue him."
GEORGE,"Well, it worked when I met George Peppard last week.",JERRY,George Peppard has been dead for years.
ELAINE,(flattered) Oh (laughs) That'll do! (laughs some more),JERRY,What about Puddy?
ELAINE,"I haven't talked to him in, like, three weeks... I THINK it might be over...",JERRY,"(unimpressed) So, what's this guy about?"
ELAINE,"I don't know. He wouldn't tell me his phone number, where he worked... I'll bet he's in a relationship.",JERRY,"Or he's a crime fighter safeguarding his secret identity! Elaine, you could be dating the Green Lantern!"
ELAINE,Which one is he?,JERRY,"Green suit, power ring."
KRAMER,Hey. It happened again. (puts box on counter) Another robbery in the building.,JERRY,So you bought a cooler?
KRAMER,"Some taxidermy that's been in my family for generations, my Tony, my... military discharge.",JERRY,(doubtful) You were in the Army?
KRAMER,"(offended) 'Literally'? What's THAT supposed to mean? (then to Jerry, before Elaine can answer) You mind if I hide this somewhere?",JERRY,"No, go ahead."
KRAMER,"(stuttering gibberish, gestures that they should leave) A little... privacy, uh?",JERRY,"Oh, come on!"
KRAMER,"Come on, Jerry, this is a security issue! (Elaine laughs) Boy, you wouldn't last a DAY in the Army.",JERRY,(walking towards door with Elaine) How long did you last? (opens door)
ELAINE,"Hey, what if he's married?",JERRY,Kramer?!
KRAMER,(from inside) OK!,JERRY,"So, you would date a married guy? That's so hacky."
KRAMER,(bangs arm of couch in frustration) You peeked!,JERRY,THIS is your hiding place?! (Elaine laughs)
ELAINE,(shouting up) Jerry! Jerry!,JERRY,"Elaine, what are you doin' down there?"
ELAINE,You didn't hear me buzzing?,JERRY,"Oh, I guess it's broken!"
ELAINE,Throw down your key.,JERRY,It's liable to bounce and go into a sewer.
ELAINE,I'll catch it!,JERRY,You'll chicken out at the last second.
ELAINE,"...Yeah, you're right. Well, will you at least keep me company until somebody comes out?",JERRY,"(annoyed) All right. (after a pause) Hey, you know what's weird?"
ELAINE,Huh?,JERRY,I used to be able to have a huge meal and go right to sleep. But I can't anymore.
ELAINE,"Nodding off!... Well, I was right. He's an adulterer. And he's cheating on his wife with me!",JERRY,All right.
ELAINE,(from the street) It went in the sewer! (Jerry reacts),JERRY,Hey...
KRAMER,(re buzzer box) What are you doin'?,JERRY,(waving the key) You jammed your key in here? You shorted out my intercom!
KRAMER,"(grabbing the key) You just had to go lookin' for it, didn't you? See, you hate it that I have a little secret. Anything I do -- oooh, oooh! -- you gotta know all about it. You're so OBSESSED with me.",JERRY,I'm gonna go let Elaine in. (Kramer reaches out to stop him leaving)
KRAMER,"Oo, y- what are you doing with her? (Jerry ignores him and exits)",JERRY,"(in the hallway, hearing the door lock behind him, turns back) Kramer!"
KRAMER,(from inside) Security issue!,JERRY,"Oh, hey. You got in."
ELAINE,"Yeah, flirted with the menu guy. Here. (hands him a large stack of papers)",JERRY,"(taking the menus) Oh, thanks."
KRAMER,(clattering inside) That wasn't me!,JERRY,"So, he's definitely married, huh?"
ELAINE,Uh...,JERRY,"Boy, I would love to have been there when you told him off."
GEORGE,(from the street below Jerry's window) Jerry!,JERRY,"(out of window) George, the buzzer's broken! I'll come down!"
KRAMER,Heyyyy! (bangs the table in frustration and grabs the key),JERRY,(opens the door for George) Where did you get that?
Phil,(walking up to get inside after George) Thanks.,JERRY,(barring the way) I'm sorry. I-I don't know you.
PHIL,What?,JERRY,There's been some robberies in the building. I-I can't let you in.
GEORGE,Sounds like a scam. (takes a bite from the granola bar),JERRY,(shakes his head) I'm very sorry. (closing the door on Phil. Jerry smiles and shrugs apologetically as Phil stares at them through the glass)
GEORGE,"So, I broke up with Maura. It's done. I'm out.",JERRY,"Great, you're lonely and miserable again. (presses button to call elevator)"
GEORGE,Feels right. (cheerfully takes another bite),JERRY,"Is that guy still there? (They are side-on to Phil who is in the background, still pressed against the glass, aghast)"
GEORGE,(looking at the door) He's starin' at us.,JERRY,Don't look at him. (Phil starts to knock on the door)
GEORGE,Want a bite?,JERRY,"Nooo, I don't. (the elevator doors shut)"
GLENN,(coming back through the window carrying an old chair) I think this will burn!,JERRY,So you do live here.
PHIL,(sulkily) Yeah. (Jerry has an anguished expression as the elevator doors shut),JERRY,You live on this floor?
PHIL,Yeah.,JERRY,"(arriving at apartment, sees Phil start to open his apartment door, only one door down from Kramer's) So you live right... there."
PHIL,Yeah. (enters his apartment),JERRY,So I guess I'll s--
ELAINE,He wouldn't give me his number because he doesn't have a phone. (unwrapping a lollipop) He's not married. He's poor. (puts lollipop in her mouth),JERRY,Is he wretchedly poor? Does he wear one of those barrels with the straps?
ELAINE,He probably busted it up and burned it for heat.,JERRY,"So, when are you giving Boxcar Willie his walking papers?"
ELAINE,How can I end it over money? I feel bad.,JERRY,"Well, let's think. Have you ever dealt with the poor in any other situation?"
ELAINE,Yes. There was this homeless guy who used to urinate on our garbage cans.,JERRY,Good. How did you handle that?
ELAINE,"Well, we gave him a few bucks, and... now he goes in the alley across the street.",JERRY,"Same situation. Pay him off, and you're clean."
GEORGE,(entering Monk's) Hey.,JERRY,"Hey, where have you been?"
ELAINE,Green Lantern.,JERRY,We found out his super power was lack of money.
ELAINE,(not amused) All right.,JERRY,He's invulnerable to creditors.
ELAINE,(annoyed) We get it. (George is laughing),JERRY,He's the Got-no-Green Lantern.
GEORGE,"Hey, maybe this cheating thing is what I could use to ditch Maura.",JERRY,"Sure, just tell Maura you're having an affair."
GEORGE,"She's like a district attorney. If it's not the truth, I'll break under the cross. I actually have to do it.",JERRY,(fidgets like he has no room with George next to him)... Could you move over there?!
GEORGE,"Hey, you know, there's this secretary at work that always had a crush on me.",JERRY,Really? How come you never pursued her before?
ELAINE,(coming back into Monk's) Did I leave my glasses here?,JERRY,"(to Elaine, still joking) He can wipe out his checking account in a single bounce!"
KRAMER,Heh.,JERRY,There's a giant parrot in the hallway.
KRAMER,It's Phil's.,JERRY,Who?
KRAMER,"Our neighbor that you... turned against. (Jerry reacts) Anyway, I told him it'd be fine with us if he wanted to let it stretch its wings out in the hallway.",JERRY,What'd ya tell him that for?
KRAMER,"Because since you've been playing God with the front door, I've been tryin' to smooth things out, Jerry. In fact, I was just hanging out at his place.",JERRY,Really? What's it like? Is it nicer than mine? Where does he have the couch?
KRAMER,"Well, I don't know, but the key problem is solved. I hid it at Phil's...",JERRY,He let you?
ELAINE,"(touched, she takes it) Aw, Glenn.",JERRY,Hi. Is Phil here?
Phil,"(from inside the apartment) Yeah, I'm here. (comes to the door. The caged parrot is visible in the background)",JERRY,"Phil... hi. I-I know we got off to kind of a bad start. But your bird, which is lovely... by the way, made a mess on my door."
PHIL,And?,JERRY,"I thought maybe you'd clean it up, or your maid, there."
PHIL,That's my wife.,JERRY,"(nodding awkwardly for a moment) All right, I think we're done here. (Jerry leaves and Phil shuts the door darkly)"
GEORGE,This isn't going well.,JERRY,"I cannot find my Jerry Lewis cufflinks. Without 'em, I have no in!"
GEORGE,"You don't need the cufflinks! You have the same name! (no reaction) 'Jerry'! (heads for door, grabbing his coat)",JERRY,Where are you goin'? Help me look!
GEORGE,"(opening door) It's a big night. I'm, uh, ice skating with one, and going to a staged reading of ""Godspell"" with the other.",JERRY,Which is with who?
KRAMER,"(entering Jerry's apartment, in his own tuxedo) Whoo! Boy. Yeah, you clean up nice.",JERRY,I can't go until I find my cufflinks.
KRAMER,"Yeah, see? I knew you would lose 'em. That's why I took 'em out of your dresser drawer and put 'em in my strongbox.",JERRY,"You're a lifesaver. Would you get them, please?"
PHIL,Fredo is dead. (his wife sobs),JERRY,That strange Portuguese guy that lives next-door to the incinerator?
PHIL,No! My bird. We just got back from the pet cemetery. (starts opening door),JERRY,"Oh, Phil... Mrs. Phil. I'm so sorry."
PHIL,"Oh, I'll bet you are! They told us he was poisoned! Something in his food.",JERRY,"But I, I didn't, I--"
KRAMER,"Yeah. Just give it to the Portuguese guy, and he... puts it in the incinerator.",JERRY,Just get the key and let's get out of here.
KRAMER,"Yeah, yeah. (goes to Phil's door) You know, it's a... it's a funny thing about that bird dying. I hid the key in Fredo's food dish. Whoo! That's a weeeird coincidence.",JERRY,"Kramer!? (grabbing Kramer's arm roughly, pulling him back as he's about to knock)"
KRAMER,What?,JERRY,You killed Fredo!
KRAMER,"(high-pitched) Well, Fredo was weak and stupid! He shouldn't have eaten that key!",JERRY,"Kramer, I need those cufflinks, but now they're in the box, and the key is in the bird... What are we gonna do?"
KRAMER,You just answered your own question.,JERRY,"(frowning in realization) Oh, no!"
ELAINE,I guess I'm... Lois Loan.,JERRY,"Kramer, I can't believe we're grave robbers."
KRAMER,"(reading a tombstone) 'Man's best friend'. Jerry, I want something like that on my tombstone.",JERRY,"(seeing Fredo's tombstone) Oh, my God. Here he is. I don't want to dig him up! (hands the shovel to Kramer)"
KRAMER,"(sighs) All right, then you're the one getting the key out of him.",JERRY,(grimaces and takes the shovel back) I'll dig.
KRAMER,"Listen, I heard that Lassie #3 is buried around here. I'm gonna go check it out.",JERRY,"(hitting metal with the first strike of the shovel) Well, that was easy."
PHIL,"All right, Honey, one last look, then you have to let Fredo rest in peace.",JERRY,"(with a wild expression) Hey, Kramer! I dug Fredo up, now let's cut him open!"
PHIL,"(horrified) Oh, my God!",JERRY,"(after a very awkward pause, cheerily) Hey, neighbor."
ELAINE,"(to Jerry) So, what are you gonna do? Are you gonna live here, or are you gonna move out, or what?",JERRY,"(still in tuxedo, tie undone) Ah, I'll just take the fire escape to get in and out of the building."
KRAMER,"Oh. Well, would you look at that. (puts a gun-shaped hand to his head and goes 'Pop') I guess I forgot to lock it.",JERRY,You mean it was open? We desecrated a pet cemetery for nothing?
GEORGE,When are they gonna learn that any news about China is an instant page-turner? (seeing Jerry with a small black device) What's that?,JERRY,It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad. I'm goin' to Florida for his birthday.
GEORGE,How much was it?,JERRY,Two hundred. But I'll tell him it's fifty. He doesn't care about the gift. He gets excited about the deal.
GEORGE,Where are you gettin' a Wizard for fifty dollars?,JERRY,"Ah, I'll tell him I got it on the street, and maybe it's hot. That's his favorite."
GEORGE,I got a message from the Rosses at work today.,JERRY,Susan's parents? When's the last time you talked to them?
GEORGE,"At the funeral, give or take. You know, deep down, I always kinda felt that they blamed me for Susan's death.",JERRY,"Why, because you picked out the poision envelopes? That's silly."
ELAINE,OK.,JERRY,Still no Puddy?
ELAINE,"Uh, I think his answering machine's broken, so I just gave up. Well, what do you think?",JERRY,What? About you datin' a black guy? What's the big deal?
ELAINE,What black guy?,JERRY,"Darryl. He's black, isn't he?"
GEORGE,"No, he isn't.",JERRY,"Isn't he, Elaine?"
GEORGE,I thought he looked Irish.,JERRY,What's his last name?
GEORGE,That's not Irish.,JERRY,I think he's black.
GEORGE,"No, it isn't.",JERRY,Why not?
GEORGE,"Well, it would be OK if Darryl was here.",JERRY,If he's black.
ELAINE,Is he black?,JERRY,Does it matter?
ELAINE,"No, course not. I mean, I'd just like to know.",JERRY,"Oh, so you need to know?"
WAITRESS,Should I take that?,JERRY,"(getting out his wallet) Uh, one second."
GEORGE,"Oh, sure. I mean, after all, you were almost my, uh... OK, I gotta go.",JERRY,House in the Hamptons?
KRAMER,(enters) Well.,JERRY,Hey.
KRAMER,"Well, grab a cigar, boys. Yeah. It's time to celebrate.",JERRY,Wow. What are we celebrating?
KRAMER,"Uh, you remember my coffee table book?",JERRY,With the little legs?
GEORGE,Oh.,JERRY,How much are they payin' you?
KRAMER,Let's just say that I don't have to worry about working for a while. A long while.,JERRY,That's funny because I haven't seen you working for a while. A long while.
KRAMER,"Yeah, and you're not going to, because I'm hanging it up. Boys, I'm retiring.",JERRY,From what?
KRAMER,"From the grind. I mean, who needs it? I mean, I've accomplished everything I've set out to do.",JERRY,(seeing that Kramer has a new watch) What's that?
MORTY,"(Jerry comes out of his room, having just woken up) Rise and shine, sleepy head! Ha ha!",JERRY,It's 530 in the morning!
HELEN,We let you sleep in.,JERRY,"(handing his dad a gift) Well, as long as I'm up. Dad, I got you a birthday present. Here. Happy Birthday."
MORTY,"Aw, Jerry. I should be buyin' you presents.",JERRY,What does that mean?
MORTY,Oooh! Heh heh! It's a radar detector.,JERRY,Radar detector? I've never seen you go over twenty miles an hour. You're like the Grand Marshall of the Rose Bowl Parade. It's a Wizard organizer.
MORTY,This looks like too much money.,JERRY,"Nah, I got it from a guy on the street. It was, like, fifty bucks."
MORTY,You think it's hot?,JERRY,Could be.
HELEN,I'm right here.,JERRY,"And you can do everything with it. You can get e-mail, fax, there's a calculator."
MORTY,"So, I can use it in the restaurant to figure out the tip?",JERRY,"Yeah, I guess. But the really cool thing is the daily planner."
KRAMER,"(entering the condo, and going to the fridge as if he's a neighbor) Hey, buddy. When'd you get here?",JERRY,"Kramer, what are you doing here?"
KRAMER,"Yeah, your, uh, folks said it was for rent, so I jumped on it.",JERRY,"Kramer, you can't live down here. This is where people come to die."
KRAMER,"Mmmm, that sounds great, Mom.",JERRY,"If you feed him, he'll never leave."
KRAMER,(immaturely) I guess.,JERRY,I can't believe this.
MORTY,"(eating lunch with Helen and Jerry) Another fine meal, and now for my Wizard tip calculator.",JERRY,"Dad, it's got lots of other functions."
MORTY,The service was slow. And God forbid they should refill the water. How does 12.4% sound?,JERRY,"(looking at the Wizard) Well, your tip is four dollars and thirty-six point six six six six cents."
HELEN,"Jerry, it was so nice of you to come down here on your father's birthday. You've helped take his mind off the condo elections.",JERRY,"Oh, right. You can't run for condo president because you were impeached at the other condo."
HELEN,"Even so, the press would bury him!",JERRY,What press?
OLD MAN,"(coming up to the three Seinfelds) Hey, Morty. Your boy here, he just got a date with that young aquacise instructor.",JERRY,She's fifty.
ELAINE,"No, but... it is very nice to know.",JERRY,"(in his parent's condo, on the phone with Elaine) So did you figure out Darryl's... you know."
ELAINE,"(in Jerry's apartment) Ah, I've given up. So, now we're going to a bunch of Spanish restaurants. I figure that'll cover us either way.",JERRY,(as Kramer walks by) You're a master of race relations.
ELAINE,"Hey, so Kramer's running for president of the condo?",JERRY,"Yeah, it's all my father's doing."
ELAINE,"Oh, heh heh heh. Who are they running against?",JERRY,Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.
GEORGE,(to Elaine) What are you doin' here?,JERRY,"(overhearing the other two Elaine, Elaine--"
ELAINE,(to George) I'm gettin' his mail.,JERRY,"(overhearing the other two) Oh, no."
GEORGE,"(taking the phone from Elaine) Jerry, why is Elaine getting your mail?",JERRY,"George, listen to me. I have a very important job for you. I want you to come by twice a day and flush the toilet so the gaskets don't dry out and leak."
GEORGE,What about the mail?,JERRY,"This is far more important. You must exercise the gaskets, George."
GEORGE,"Speak now, or we are headed to the Hamptons. It's a two-hour drive. Once you get in that car, we are going all the way... to the Hamptons. All right, you wanna get nuts? Come on. Let's get nuts!",JERRY,"(in his parent's condo, to his father, who's in another room) Hey, Dad. You know you can program this thing to beep every time you need to take a vitamin. (as Kramer comes walking out in a retirement-like athletic sweatsuit) Dad, you look so different."
KRAMER,"Right. Yeah. The polls close after dinner, three o'clock. But then when we win, the celebration goes all night until the break of eight p.m.",JERRY,"You know, you can put that whole schedule right in your daily planner."
KRAMER,"Well, I couldn't find my shoes.",JERRY,"Kramer, these people work and wait their whole lives to move down here, sit in the heat, pretend it's not hot, and enforce these rules."
KRAMER,"All right, look. People seem to like those tip calculators, huh?",JERRY,Wizards!
KRAMER,"Yeah, well, how 'bout if we give one out to every member on the condo board.",JERRY,Kramer...
HELEN,"(running after him) Oh, I'll get your electric blanket!",JERRY,"Kramer, I can't get that many Wizards."
KRAMER,"Well, what about your deal, huh?",JERRY,I didn't have a deal! They're two hundred dollars a pop. What do I do?
KRAMER,"Well, don't worry about it. I know a guy.",JERRY,Down here?
KRAMER,"(having lunch with Jerry and his parents) Oh, well... I handed out all the Wizards. Polls close in one hour. Whoo hoo hoo! I think we've got this baby all sewn up, huh? Oh, uh, there was an extra one. Norman Burgerman, he won't be leavin' any tips where he is.",JERRY,Aw.
MORTY,"This isn't a Wizard, it's a Willard.",JERRY,"A Willard? Saccamano, Sr. screwed me!"
MORTY,"Jerry, why didn't you get them Wizards?",JERRY,Because a real Wizard's two hundred dollars.
MORTY,You didn't have a deal?,JERRY,No deal. Not hot.
KRAMER,"(getting up to leave) Well, the people have spoken. Well, that's it for me. I'm, I'm headin' back to New York.",JERRY,"Dad, I'm sorry."
MORTY,You should be! How could you spend two hundred dollars on a tip calculator?!,JERRY,It does other things!
GEORGE,"I had 'em, Jerry. They loved me.",JERRY,And then?
GEORGE,I lost them. I can usually come up with one good comment during a meeting but by the end it's buried under a pile of gaffs and bad puns.,JERRY,"Showmanship, George. When you hit that high note, you say goodnight and walk off."
GEORGE,I can't just leave.,JERRY,That's the way they do it in Vegas.
GEORGE,You never played Vegas.,JERRY,I hear things.
ELAINE,"So, you think that Puddy actually believes in something?",JERRY,"It's a used car, he probably never changed the presets."
ELAINE,"Yes, he is lazy.",JERRY,Plus he probably doesn't even know how to program the buttons.
ELAINE,"Yes, he is dumb.",JERRY,So you prefer dumb and lazy to religious?
GEORGE,"Reprogram all the buttons, see if he changes them back. You know? The old switcheroo.",JERRY,"No, no, the old switcheroo is you poison your drink then you switch it with the other person's."
GEORGE,"No, it's doing the same thing to someone that they did to you.",JERRY,"Yeah, Elaine's gonna do the same thing to Puddy's radio that the radio did to her."
ELAINE,Quiet! So where is this Sophie?,JERRY,"Oh, she's picking me up in a few minutes."
ELAINE,How long have you two been together?,JERRY,"I dunno. Since the last one. Oh, here she is. You wanna meet her?"
MICKEY,Hey Jerry.,JERRY,Hey Mickey. Check the pepper shaker.
KRAMER,"A little wetter. See, I didn't believe it.",JERRY,What's with the fake sneezing?
MICKEY,They assign you a specific disease and you act out the symptoms. It's an easy gig.,JERRY,Do medical schools actually do this?
KRAMER & MICKEY,HUAAHHH!!,JERRY,I think the phone is ringing.
KRAMER & MICKEY,HUAAHHH!!,JERRY,"Would you hold it a second?! Thank you, will you get out of here with that stuff?"
KRAMER,"Mickey, DTs.",JERRY,Hello?
SOPHIE,Hey. It's me.,JERRY,Elaine?
SOPHIE,"No, it's me.",JERRY,George??
SOPHIE,"Jerry, it's Sophie. I can't believe you don't recognize my voice.",JERRY,"Oh, I knew it was you, I was joking. I'm a comedian."
KRAMER,You got any Ipecac?,JERRY,"Ipecac? Kramer, I really think you guys are going too far with this."
KRAMER,"No, Mickey, he swallowed twelve aspirin.",JERRY,Did he overdose?
GEORGE,I knew I had hit my high note so I thanked the crowd and I was gone.,JERRY,What did you do the rest of the day?
GEORGE,"I saw ""Titanic"". So that old woman, she's just a liar, right?",JERRY,And a bit of a tramp if you ask me.
GEORGE,"Jerry, do you have any fishsticks?",JERRY,No. So you're disappointed he's a spiritual person?
GEORGE,I think it's neat. You don't hear that much about god anymore.,JERRY,"I hear things. Hey, so Sophie gave me the ""It's me"" on the phone today."
ELAINE,"""It's me?"" Isn't it a little premature?",JERRY,I thought so.
GEORGE,They? The Government?,JERRY,"No, no. He's pretending he's got gonorrhea so med students can diagnose it."
ELAINE,What was that?,JERRY,"Showmanship, George is trying to get out on a high note."
KRAMER,"See, showmanship. Maybe that's what my gonorrhea is missing.",JERRY,Yes! Step into that spotlight and belt that gonorrhea out to the back row.
KRAMER,Gonorrhea!,JERRY,One message. Hope it's not from you.
ANSWERING MACHINE,"""Hey Jerry, it's me. Call me back.""",JERRY,Sophie.
GEORGE,She's still doing that?,JERRY,Yep.
GEORGE,"Alright, I'll tell you what you do. You call her back and give her the ""it's me"", heh? Pull the old switcheroo.",JERRY,"I think that's a ""what's good for the goose is good for the gander""."
GEORGE,"What the hell is a gander, anyway?",JERRY,"(picking up the phone and dialing) It's a goose that's had the old switcheroo pulled on it. Hi Sophie, it's me."
SOPHIE,Hey Raef.,JERRY,(to George) She thinks it's someone named Raef.
GEORGE,"Good, let her think it.",JERRY,"(into the phone, with a disguised voice) So, what's going on?"
GEORGE,"Ask about you, ask about you.",JERRY,"So, uh, how are things with Jerry?"
SOPHIE,"Oh, I really like him but, well, I still haven't told him the tractor story.",JERRY,"Right, right, the tractor story."
SOPHIE,"Are you sick, Raef? You sound kinda funny.",JERRY,I sound funny?
GEORGE,Abort! Abort!,JERRY,"Yeah I better get to a doctor, bye. (Hangs up) That was close! What drives me to take chances like that?"
GEORGE,That was very real.,JERRY,She said there's some tractor story that she hasn't told me about.
GEORGE,"Woah, back it up, back it up. Beep, beep, beep. Tractor story?",JERRY,"Beep, beep, beep? What are you doing?"
GEORGE,You know what I think? I bet she stole a tractor.,JERRY,"No one's stealing a tractor, it's a five-mile-an-hour getaway. We're dancing around the obvious, it's gotta be disfigurement."
GEORGE,Does she walk around holding a pen she never seems to need?,JERRY,"No, she looks completely normal."
GEORGE,"Oh. Okay, here it is, I got it. She lost her thumbs in a tractor accident and they grafted her big toes on. They do it every day.",JERRY,You think she's got toes for thumbs?
GEORGE,"How's her handshake? A little firm, isn't it? Maybe a little too firm?",JERRY,I don't know.
GEORGE,Hands a little smelly?,JERRY,Why do I seek your counsel?
ELAINE,Well I'm going to hell.,JERRY,That seems about right.
ELAINE,According to Puddy.,JERRY,"Hey, have you heard the one about the guy in hell with the coffee and the doughtnuts and--"
GEORGE,(To a passing waitress) I'll have some coffee and a doughnut.,JERRY,What do you care? You don't believe in hell.
ELAINE,"I know, but he does.",JERRY,So it's more of a relationship problem than the final destination of your soul.
ELAINE,"Well, relationships are very important to me.",JERRY,Maybe you can strike one up with the prince of darkness as you burn for all eternity.
SOPHIE,I move my knight... here. Check.,JERRY,"They should update these pieces, nobody rides horses anymore. Maybe they should change it to a tractor."
SOPHIE,"Jerry, are you embarrassed that you're losing?",JERRY,"Losing? You know, yesterday I lost control of my car, almost bought the farm."
SOPHIE,Bought the farm?,JERRY,Tractor!
SOPHIE,"This is an odd side of you, Jerry. I feel uncomfortable.",JERRY,"Wait, don't go. Let's thumb wrestle."
GEORGE,A scar?,JERRY,A big long scar where her leg would dangle when she's riding a...?
GEORGE,A tractor.,JERRY,I'm sure she's a little self-conscious and doesn't like to talk about it.
GEORGE,I don't see why's she more self-conscious about that than her toe thumbs.,JERRY,She doesn't have toe thumbs.
GEORGE,"Well, if she keeps horsing around with that tractor--",JERRY,Alright. So how's the two-man operation at Kruger?
GEORGE,(to Jerry) Huh-ho! Have you ever seen anything like this?,JERRY,Never.
SOPHIE,"You know, Jerry, there's this thing that I haven't told you about. See, there was this tractor and, oh boy, this is really difficult.",JERRY,"Sophie, it's me. I know about the tractor story and I'm fine with it."
SOPHIE,How could you know?,JERRY,"(putting his finger to Sophie's lips, then to his own, then back to Sopie's) Shh. Shh. Shh. It's not important. What's important is I'm not gonna let a little thing like that ruin what could be a very long-term and meaningful relationship."
KRAMER,"Well, I'm sorry. I gave you gonorrhea because I thought you'd have fun with it.",JERRY,"Hey, hey! I'm with someone."
SOPHIE,"Unfortunately, I didn't have a partner. I got gonorrhea from a tractor.",JERRY,You got gonorrhea from a tractor?? And you call *that* your tractor story??
SOPHIE,But I did. My boyfriend said I got gonorrhea from riding the tractor in my bathing suit.,JERRY,"(walking out) Alright, that's it for me. You've been great. Goodnight everybody."
GEORGE,I read somewhere that this Brentano's is the place to meet girls in New York.,JERRY,"First it was the health club, then the supermarket, now the bookstore. They could put it anywhere they want, no one's meetin' anybody."
KRAMER,"Jerry, look at all these pagodas, huh? I gotta get over to Hong Kong before it all goes back to China..",JERRY,(Sarcastic) You better hurry.
KRAMER,"Oh, boy, look at this. Hong Kong's outlawed the rickshaw. See, I always thought those would be perfect for New York.",JERRY,(Sarcastic) Yes. The city needs more slow-moving wicker vehicles.
KRAMER,"Hmm, Elaine's been to Hong Kong. I should give her a call.",JERRY,She's at that annual Peterman party tonight. You know the one she danced at last year?
KRAMER,"(Remembering) No, that wasn't dancing.",JERRY,"(Pointing) Hey, there's Leo."
KRAMER,Oh? Who's Leo?,JERRY,Uncle Leo.
KRAMER,"Oh, yeah. Right. Uncle, Leo. Forgot his first name..",JERRY,Did I just see that?!
GEORGE,"They made me buy it.. A hundred bucks this thing cost me. (Gesturing to the book) How dare they?! I got news for you, if it wasn't for the toilet, there would be no books.",JERRY,(Sarcastic) Yeah. I understand Guttenberg used to spend a lot of time in there.
GEORGE,"They're selling coffee, bran muffins.. you're surrounded by reading material. It's entrapment!",JERRY,(Reading the cover of the book George was forced to buy) 'French Impressionist Paintings'?
GEORGE,I find the soothing pastorial images very conduc-,JERRY,(Cutting him off) Thank you very much.
GEORGE,"Well, I'm gonna go back there later and return it when there's different people working.. You want to catch a movie?",JERRY,I can't. I'm meeting Uncle Leo. I saw him shoplifting at the bookstore.
GEORGE,"(Praising Leo's stealing) Alright, Leo! Stickin' it to the man!",JERRY,Sleeping in the caragain?
ELAINE,Cocktail flu.,JERRY,"(Remembering) Oh, right. The big party.."
ELAINE,Worse. We made out at the table like our plane was going down!,JERRY,"(Rubbing it in) Ah, the drunken make-out. An office classic. Did you end up xeroxing anything?"
ELAINE,(Gives Jerry a look) Do you know how embarrassing this is to someone in my position?,JERRY,(Confused) What's your position?
ELAINE,"(Liking the idea) Ohh.. right. Cause if we're dating, what everyone saw was just a beautiful moment between two lovers.",JERRY,(Jokingly rubbing it in) As opposed to a spirited bout of Skanko-Roman wrestling.
[Setting,Jerry's apartment],JERRY,"(Sarcastic) Oh, hey. Can I fix you fellas some drinks and sandwiches?"
KRAMER,"Jerry, check this out. (Pointing at some papers on the table) Remember my idea about rickshaws in New Youk? Well, we're gonna make it happen!",JERRY,"(Jokingly trying to be skeptical) No, you're not."
KRAMER,"Newman, he knows a guy in the Hong Kong post office..",JERRY,"(Still skeptical) No, he doesn't."
NEWMAN,He's shipping us a rickshaw. It can't miss!,JERRY,"Yes, it can."
NEWMAN,It's the romance of the Handsome Cab without the guilt or dander of the equine.,JERRY,"So, who's gonna pull this thing?"
KRAMER,(Stopping his thought) Da-da-da-da no.,JERRY,"(Extremely happy about Kramer and Newman's dilemma) My, isn't this an awkward moment?"
KRAMER,They're always walkin' around the city. Why not just strap something to them?!,JERRY,"(Sarcastic) Now, that's the first sensible idea I've heard all day."
LEO,"Jerry, hello! (Sits down)",JERRY,"So, Leo, how's everything? You doin' Okay?"
LEO,I still have the ringing in the ears. Sounds like the phone.,JERRY,"(Shrugging his problems off) Yeah, yeah. But what about money? Are you strapped? Do you need a little?"
LEO,"What, are you kidding? I should you loaning you money! (Quickly amending what he just said) But I'm not.",JERRY,"(Being frank) Leo, I saw you in Brentano's yesterday."
LEO,Why didn't ya say hello?,JERRY,Because you were too busy stealing a book.
LEO,(Giving a courtesy lesson) You still say hello.,JERRY,"(Showing that it's a problem) Leo, I saw you steal."
LEO,"Oh, they don't care. We all do it.",JERRY,"Who, criminals?"
LEO,Senior citizens. No big deal.,JERRY,You could get arrested.
LEO,Arrested? Come on! (Goes into a routine explaination for his stealing) I'm an old man. I'm confused! I thought I paid for it. What's my name? Will you take me home?,JERRY,(Pleading) Leo..
LEO,"Alright, alright. Mr. Goody Two-Shoes. You made your point.",JERRY,(Thinking he's stopped Leo's thefts) Thank you.
GEORGE,"(Outraged. Leaving) Well, you just lost a lot of business! Because I love to read!",JERRY,"(To himself) I don't believe this! (Walks over to a security guard) Excuse me, I wonder if you could do me a favor? My uncle's having a little problem with shoplifting.."
GUARD,Mm-hmm. Where's your uncle?,JERRY,"(Pointing) He's over there in the overcoat. If you could just kind of put a scare into him.. You know, set him straight.."
GAURD,(Into his walkie-talkie) We have a 51-50 in paperbacks. All units respond.,JERRY,"'51-50'? That - that's just a scare, right?"
GUARD,You're under arrest.,JERRY,(To Guard) I just wanted you to scare him.
LEO,"Jerry, you ratted me out?!",JERRY,(Unsure of what to say - he remember's Leo's courtesy tip) Hello?
[Setting,Jerry's apartment],JERRY,"Mom, I didn't rat out Uncle Leo. I just wanted the guard to scare him straight."
HELEN,"Jerry, he won't last a day in prison.",JERRY,(Scoffing) Prison. I'm sure it's just a fine.
MORTY,She's got priors.,JERRY,(Not believeing it) Prior convictions? Leo?
MORTY,"Besides, it's not stealing if it's something you need.",JERRY,(Confused) What does that mean?
HELEN,Nobody pays for everyting.,JERRY,(Shocked at his parents) You're stealing too?!
MORTY,"Nothing. Batteries. (Jerry scoffs) Well, they wear out so quick.",JERRY,"Mom, you too?"
HELEN,"Sometimes your father forgets, so I have to steal them.",JERRY,"Alright, I'll talk to you later."
KRAMER,"(While washing his hands in Jerry's kithen sink) Well, the rickshaw's gone. We strapped it to a homeless guy and he (Makes a noise), he bolted.",JERRY,"(Joking around) Well, you know, eighty-five percent of all homeless rickshaw businesses fail within the first three months."
NEWMAN,"We gotta find that rickshaw. You check the sewers and dumpsters. I'll hit the soup kitchens, bakeries, and smorgasbords.",JERRY,To the Idiotmobile!
[Setting,The Coffee shop],JERRY,"So, even though you're not really going out with this guy, he's cheating on you?"
ELAINE,"That is correct. But here's the beauty part - now I stand up for myself by telling everybody I'm dumping his sorry ass, and I'm the office-",JERRY,(Butting in) Tina Turner?
GEORGE,"Well, I've to every Brentano's. This thing's flagged in every database in town!",JERRY,Is it so horrible to have to keep a book?
GEORGE,I don't understand what the big deal is. They let you try on pants.,JERRY,(Stern on George) Not underpants.
ELAINE,"Hey, that's your Uncle Leo.",JERRY,(Getting up) Uncle Leo. Hello!
LEO,(Bitter) Jerry.,JERRY,"(Trying to explain) Uncle Leo, I'm sorry. I didn't know about your.. past."
LEO,"(Exiting) You mean my crime of passion? If anyone betrays me, I never forget!",JERRY,"(Following Leo out the door) Uncle Leo, wait! Hello?!"
GEORGE,"You know, I could let it go for.. say.. a hundred and twenty-five.",JERRY,Leo's furious. (He stops in his tracks when he sees Elaine looking at George's book) What is that doing on the table?
GEORGE,"(Wanting Elaine to take it off his hands, he tries to silence Jerry) Jerry, simmer down.",JERRY,(Pointing) I'm not eating anything in the vicinity of that book.
GEORGE,Simmer!,JERRY,That book has been on a wild ride. George took it into the bathroom with him and-
GEORGE,"(The damage has been done. He is slightly angered at Jerry) May I ask, what do you read in the bathroom?",JERRY,I don't read in the bathroom.
LEO,"(Leo has ""Jerry"" written on the fingers his right hand, and ""Hello"" written on his left. He's doing pull-ups) Jerry. Hello. Jerry. Hello. Jerry. (Turns to the right, yelling out) Answer that damn phone!",JERRY,Hello?
ELAINE,"Hey, it's me.",JERRY,Uncle Leo?
ELAINE,"(Sarcastic) Oh, that's nice. What are you up to?",JERRY,Nightmares. You?
ELAINE,Eat your soup!,JERRY,"You're not feeding him, are you?"
KRAMER,"Hey, buddy.",JERRY,(Scared) Ah! Kramer!
KRAMER,I thought I heard you.,JERRY,Get out of here!
NEWMAN,(From outside the room) Kramer? Kramer? (Enters Jerry's bedroom) There you are.,JERRY,Will everybody please leave?!
NEWMAN,It's entirely possible.,JERRY,I want everyone out!
NEWMAN,(To Jerry) Good night.,JERRY,"(Bitter) Good night, Newman."
ELAINE,Great.,JERRY,"(To Elaine) So, the worst is over?"
ELAINE,"Yeah. Now I can break up with him. He's clean, and I'm the office hero.",JERRY,Seems like you're better at fake relationships than real ones.
ELAINE,(Leaving Jerry) See ya.,JERRY,"(To cashier) I'd like to speak with the manager, please."
[Setting,Bookstore],JERRY,George? What are you doin' here?
GEORGE,I can't sell the book. It's been marked.,JERRY,(Sarcasticly joking) It certainly has.
GEORGE,"So, I'm gonna steal another one, and then return it. That way, everything is even.",JERRY,"(Trying to straighten things out) You defile one book, steal another, ask for your money back - and to you that's even?"
MANAGER,Did you want to speak with the manager?,JERRY,Yes. My Uncle Leo was cought shoplifing here the other day..
MANAGER,"Yes, Uncle Leo. I remember him. I'm sorry, our policy is we prosecute all shoplifters.",JERRY,"(Pleading) Oh, come on. He's just a lonely old man. All old people steal."
MANAGER,"That's right. That's why we stopped carrying batteries. Look, I'll be honest with you, we've had a lot of trouble with theft lately - and my boss says I have to make an example to someone.",JERRY,So it could be anyone?
MANAGER,I.. guess. As long as we catch him in the act.,JERRY,That guy! (Pointing at George) Swarm! Swarm!
"ALL (singing, competing)",For he's a jolly good fellow...happy birthday to you...for he's a jolly good fellow...birthday to you...which nobody can deny...,JERRY,What is so bad about having a little piece of cake?
ELAINE,"It is the forced socializing. I mean, just because we work in the same office, why do we have to act like we're friends?",JERRY,Why aren't you there now?
ELAINE,"I had to take a sick day. I'm so sick of these people. By the way, I talked to Lisi, and tomorrow night's good for her.",JERRY,"You know, I shouldn't go out with a friend of yours. I foresee messiness."
ELAINE,"Yeah, you're better off sitting around here, reading comic books, and eating spaghetti at two in the morning..",JERRY,"Hey, speaking of tomato sauce, you want to come with me and George to Mario's Pizza?"
ELAINE,Your old high school hangout? Why?,JERRY,They're closing. We're going for one last slice.
KRAMER,"Uh-uh-uh. Step back, son, there's nothing to see here.",JERRY,Where did you get this?
KRAMER,"Well, I got it from my cop buddy Doug.",JERRY,You sure have a lot of friends. How come I never see any of these people?
KRAMER,I'm gonna eat that later.,JERRY,So they just gave you this?
KRAMER,"Oh, it's no big deal. It's just some guy who's been running around Riverside park-pffff. You know, cutting people's heads off.",JERRY,How come I haven't read about this?
KRAMER,"Uh, Headso...uh...The Denogginizer...Son of dad.",JERRY,Son of dad?
MARIO,No.,JERRY,We used to come in every day.
MARIO,"Oh, thanks. That'll save us.",JERRY,"All right, make it the large sodas."
GEORGE,"Hey, Jerry, remember Frogger? I used to be so into this game. Gettin' that frog across the street was my entire life.",JERRY,"Yeah. And then you went on to...Well, it's a good game."
GEORGE,"Ah, beat it, punk.",JERRY,"Hey, look at the high score--""G.L.C."" George Louis Costanza. That's not you, is it?"
GEORGE,"Yes! 860,000. I can't believe it's still standing. No one has beaten me in like 10 years.",JERRY,I remember that night.
MARIO,Here's your pizza pea brains.,JERRY,I think I remember why we stopped coming here.
BECKY,Can we still it eat?,JERRY,"I'll tell you Lisi, I never expected that movie to--"
LISI,End under water?,JERRY,"Be that long. I mean, most action movies are--"
LISI,So much more violent.,JERRY,Not as long.
LISI,"Well, I should probably--",JERRY,Get going.
LISI,Yeah.,JERRY,"Well, it was nice meeting you. I'm sure I'll see you--"
LISI,Eight tomorrow?,JERRY,"Actually, that's--"
LISI,What you were thinking.,JERRY,Right.
GEORGE,"Oh! Here you are. Ha ha...You, uh, you want to--",JERRY,Sure. (points at booth) How about this one?
GEORGE,"Well, I'm doing it, Jerry. I'm buying the Frogger machine. Now the torch will burn forever.",JERRY,"Fabulous. See, now you're really do something."
GEORGE,"So, you want to come down to Mario's Pizza with me and help me pick up the Frogger?",JERRY,"Hey, how you gonna keep the machine plugged in while you move it?"
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,"Once you unplug the machine, all the scores will be erased."
KRAMER,"You know the police, they found another victim of the Lopper in Riverside Park. I saw the photo, and it looked a lot like you.",JERRY,"Oh, come on. There's a lot of people walking around the city that look like me."
KRAMER,"You know, George, you're not gonna find an electrician like that in the yellow pages. Now, I know just the guy who can do this.",JERRY,Another friend?
GEORGE,"All right, I'm gonna find a guy with a truck. GLC must live on!",JERRY,Come on.
KRAMER,Dng-ga-gng-ga-wt.,JERRY,Hello?
ELAINE,So how's it going with my friend?,JERRY,She's a sentence finisher. It's like dating Mad Libs.
ELAINE,"Oh, it's a cake party. It's the third one today. I didn't realize how hooked I got on that 400 sugar rush.",JERRY,So join in.
ELAINE,I can't. I denounced them. Maybe I'll go raid Peterman's fridge. He's always got a truffle or something in there.,JERRY,All right.
PETERMAN,"Inside that small college boy minifridge is my latest acquisition. A slice of cake from the wedding of King Edward VIII to Wallis Simpson, circa 1937, price--$29,000.",JERRY,"Well Lisi, that was another-"
LISI,Lovely evening.,JERRY,Really bad meal. I was thinking maybe we should--
LISI,Go for a hansom cab ride?,JERRY,Call it a night. I'll walk you home. Where do you live?
LISI,"84th street, right off Riverside Park.",JERRY,Riverside Park.
LISI,I thought we were going--,JERRY,Back to my place. That's right.
GEORGE,So you slept with her?,JERRY,"She lives right off Riverside Park. I was scared of the Lopper, So I let her stay over."
GEORGE,And you automatically sleep with her?,JERRY,"Well, I just wanted to make out a little, but she kind of--"
ELAINE,"No. A $29,000 piece of cake. Peterman got it at The Duke Of Windsor auction. It was the most romantic thing I've ever eaten.",JERRY,How'd it taste?
ELAINE,A little stale.,JERRY,Yeah.
ELAINE,"Hey, so I talked to Lisi and she has got a big surprise for you. She's planning a weekend trip to Pennsylvania Dutch country.",JERRY,"Pennsylvania Dutch country? Oh, that's the serious relationship weekend place."
ELAINE,What is going on with you two?,JERRY,"Well, I think by sleeping with her, I may have sent her the wrong message."
ELAINE,400 sugar fix.,JERRY,"Well, I'm calling this off right now."
ELAINE,"No, no. You are way past the phone call breakup stage.",JERRY,"Well, I'm not going over there. That's where the Lopper is."
KRAMER,"Well, no. They're not really in the supermarket. Yeah, they got their own case at the end of the aisle.",JERRY,"Hi, Lisi."
LISI,"Hi, honey. Is that a bat?",JERRY,"Uh, yeah. I found it on the street. It's gotta be worth something."
LISI,"So, what do you want to do, Sweetheart?",JERRY,"Well, before we do anything...maybe we should talk."
LISI,Then may I say something... without being interrupted?,JERRY,Well I'm sorry if I ruined your life. That's exactly what I set out to do.
LISI,Are you afraid to kiss me in public?,JERRY,Have we even been in public?
LISI,"So now you're going to tell me what I'm thinking. Well, go ahead, 'cause I'd really like to know.",JERRY,You are not dumb. Don't say that..
LISI,20 minutes.,JERRY,"Well, I'm sorry I'm not Brad. I'm me!"
LISI,Fine. So it's over.,JERRY,"Oh, thank god. Why is it dark out? What time is it?"
LISI,930.,JERRY,We've been breaking up for 10 hours?
LISI,"Good-bye, Jerry.",JERRY,"Lopper. You know, Lisi, maybe we should give this a little more time. See how it looks in the light of day."
LISI,Out!,JERRY,Lopper.
GEORGE,"Jerry, you came for the big moment.",JERRY,No. I'm waiting for...
GEORGE,"Ha ha. Everything's timed out to perfection, Jerry. Slippery Pete's got the Frogger running on battery power, the truck will be there any minute, and Kramer's taped out the loading zone.",JERRY,Oh. Sounds great.
GEORGE,"Yeah, yeah. You gotta come over tonight. We can play.",JERRY,"Oh, I can't. I'm busy. I'm going away on a long weekend."
LISI,"Look what I found. I got one for you, too.",JERRY,"Great. Uh, you know what? Why don't you put it in the car so I don't toss it in that dumpster?"
LISI,"Ha ha. Ok. I'll meet thee in front of your place, 15 minutes.",JERRY,"A long, long weekend."
KRAMER,Ahh! I'm out! No tape left!,JERRY,"Well, come on George, I'll help you push it across."
GEORGE,Wait a minute. This looks familiar. This reminds me of something. I can do this.,JERRY,By yourself?
SLIPPERY PETE,So do you.,JERRY,Game over.
GEORGE,What happened to your voice?,JERRY,I was screamin' at hecklers all night. The last time I open for a rodeo.
GEORGE,"Well, Jerry, I been thinkin'. I've gotten as far as I can go with George Costanza.",JERRY,Is this the suicide talk or the nickname talk?
GEORGE,"The nickname. George. What is that? It's nothing. It's got no snap, no zip. I need a nickname that makes people light up.",JERRY,You mean like...Liza!
GEORGE,But I was thinking...T-bone.,JERRY,"But there's no ""t"" in your name. What about G-bone?"
GEORGE,There's no G-bone.,JERRY,There's a g-spot.
GEORGE,That's a myth.,JERRY,"T-bone, the ladies are gonna love ya."
ELAINE,Why did they hire you for a rodeo?,JERRY,They heard I opened for Kenny Rogers once.
ELAINE,Didn't he throw you off a bus in the middle of Alabama or--,JERRY,"Oh, I had that comin' to me."
ELAINE (whispering),Why did you get a maid?,JERRY,You don't have to whisper. She knows she's a maid.
ELAINE,Where did you get her?,JERRY,I hired her from a service!
MAID,All done.,JERRY,Thank you. Nice job.
MAID,Is this mine?,JERRY,Yeah.
ELAINE,"Come on, Jerry. You didn't notice?",JERRY,Notice what? She's not really even a maid.
ELAINE,Oh.,JERRY,"She wants to be an actress...or a, uh, model...or a dancer...or a...news woman."
KRAMER,"Hey. Well, bad news, boys. My life is over. My girlfriend's movin' away.",JERRY,You have a girlfriend?
KRAMER,"Jerry, where have you been?",JERRY,At a rodeo. Where's she moving?
KRAMER,Yeah. I don't know if I can handle one of these long-distance relationships.,JERRY,It's like 10 minutes by subway.
ELAINE,What? What is that?,JERRY,"That's the new area code. They've run out of 242s, so all the new numbers are 646."
ELAINE,I don't have a fax machine.,JERRY,Here we go.
KRAMER,"Well, now what are we gonna do? (to Jerry) See? This is why you should get a fax and a Xerox.",JERRY,And a dead bolt.
ELAINE,Aah!,JERRY,"Well Cindy, the place looks great."
CINDY,"Thanks Jerry, gotta run.",JERRY,"Ok, I'll see ya."
ELAINE,All right! You're foolin' around with your maid. That is a wise decision.,JERRY,"Elaine, do you think I would go willy-nilly into a situation so obviously fraught with potential complications?"
ELAINE,You are paying a woman to come to your house and sleep with you.,JERRY,No. I pay her to clean. The rest is--
ELAINE,What? A health plan?,JERRY,"I was going to say, ""Being a good host."""
ELAINE,Oh-ho-ho. Oh.,JERRY,"But the point is we have our personal relationship, and we have our work relationship. They're separate and, I think, some what sophisticated."
ELAINE,So you consider this a relationship?,JERRY,"Yes, I do."
ELAINE,Oh. Have you been out?,JERRY,"Yes, we have."
ELAINE,Where did you go?,JERRY,The store.
ELAINE,Mm! To get what?,JERRY,Stuff.
ELAINE,Cleaning supplies?,JERRY,And gum.
ELAINE,"Oh. Well, there's nothin' more sophisticated than diddlin' the maid and then chewin' some gum.",JERRY,She's not a maid. She might be a news woman!
PHONE MAN,"I could've killed you, and no one would've known.",JERRY,"Kramer, you're still on the phone?"
KRAMER,"Madeline and I are watching Quincy together. Jerry, you know this comes on at the same time here as it does there?",JERRY,Really? It's Tuesday here. What day is it there?
KRAMER (into phone),"Jerry's teasing. Uh-oh! Commercial. Oh, you going to the bathroom? Yeah. I'll go, too.",JERRY,Madeline stays here.
GEORGE,No. No T-bone.,JERRY,No T-bone?
KRAMER (from bathroom),"Hey, is that T-bone?!",JERRY,No! There's no T-bone!
KRAMER,"Well, why no T-bone?!",JERRY,Why no T-bone?
GEORGE,You're sleepin' with the maid?,JERRY,Yes.
GEORGE,I've done that. Did you ever eat an ostrich burger?,JERRY,No.
KRAMER,"Hey, listen, can I borrow your suitcases?",JERRY,Yeah. It's in your closet.
KRAMER,"No, no, no. I looked.",JERRY,They're behind my skis and my tennis racket.
KRAMER,"Thanks, buddy.",JERRY,Where you goin'?
KRAMER,"Huh? Well, I'm gettin' out of town. I'm gonna visit Madeline for the weekend. You know, this place is lookin' kinda messy. What happened to Cindy?",JERRY,"Well, she's here. She just didn't get around to it."
KRAMER,"Well, what's the matter?",JERRY,What did I just pay for?
KRAMER,Uh-oh. You're a john.,JERRY,Koko?
GEORGE,Koko.,JERRY,"Well, it's probably the most intelligent ape there is."
GEORGE,"Yeah. So, how's Cindy the maid?",JERRY,"Well, everything's goin' great except, basically, I'm payin' for sex."
GEORGE,"Tell me about it. I went out with this girl last week. First I had to pay for dinner, then--",JERRY,"No, George. She's coming over and not cleaning. It's like I'm seein' a prostitute."
GEORGE,How much you pay this maid?,JERRY,40.
GEORGE,"40? I'm payin' 60 to my maid. She doesn't do laundry and I'm gettin' nothin'. All right. Once she pinched my ass, but I don't know what that was.",JERRY,I don't know what this is.
KRAMER,"Hey, hey, hey. Look at that.",JERRY,Ooh.
KRAMER,"Well, now I can't see Jerry.",JERRY,I look about the same.
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,I was talking to him.
KRAMER,What?,JERRY,Never mind.
KRAMER,"Jerry, come on. What'd you say?",JERRY,What?
KRAMER,Come on. Where'd you go?,JERRY,Go back.
KRAMER,Eh! Come on. What did you say?,JERRY,"I said, never mind."
KRAMER,"Yeah. I know that. Uh, uh.",JERRY,I hate the counter.
ELAINE (to Jerry),"Well, I got a 212 number from this little old lady in my building-- Mrs. Krantz.",JERRY,"Oh, she didn't mind?"
ELAINE,No. She died.,JERRY,"Hey, that's great."
GEORGE,What happened to Mrs. Krantz?,JERRY,Elaine got a new number because she died.
ELAINE,What did he say?,JERRY,Some new kind of pie.
KRAMER,"All right, who's down there?",JERRY,"Hey, there's a booth."
GEORGE,Hey.,JERRY,So how's it goin' at work? They get tired of it?
GEORGE,"Oh, yeah.",JERRY,Double zero?
GEORGE,"You know, if I could get this Coco woman down to Kruger, they wouldn't be able to call me Koko anymore because Kruger would never allow 2 Kokos.",JERRY,Sounds like he runs a real tight ship.
GEORGE,Say good-bye to Koko.,JERRY,"Good-bye, Koko."
KRAMER,"Bye, Koko. Whew! Jerry, this relationship is killing me. The distance, the longing, the distance, the-- you know, I didn't realize it, but I'm a needy person.",JERRY,"Kramer, maybe this relationship isn't for you."
CINDY,What was that?,JERRY,I didn't hear anything.
CINDY,"All right, I'm takin' off. Aren't you forgetting something?",JERRY,"Oh, right! Hey, it was great seeing you again. I love your outfit."
CINDY,No. My money.,JERRY,For what?
CINDY,For my maid services. You booked me for today.,JERRY,But you didn't really do any work.
CINDY,I made the bed.,JERRY,But you took a nap in it.
CINDY,So?,JERRY,I thought that was kind of girlfriend bed making.
CINDY,No. That was the maid.,JERRY,"Well, who took the nap?"
CINDY,The girlfriend.,JERRY,$40 seems kind of steep for a nap.
CINDY,"So, what are you saying? That I'm a bad maid or some kind of a prostitute?",JERRY,"Ho, ho...ho! Hold on. Let's keep this sophisticated."
CINDY,"You know, I don't think I want to be your girlfriend or your maid.",JERRY,So is this a breakup/quitting?
CINDY,Yeah. Don't ever call me or hire me again.,JERRY,"Oh, yeah? Well, then, we're through! And you're fired!"
ELAINE,No. It's just that I've been kind of buried over here.,JERRY,So the kid doesn't know his grandmother is dead? G-5?
ELAINE,Hit. No. I guess his parents didn't want to tell him. B-2?,JERRY,Miss.
ELAINE,He called 6 times yesterday. What a nightmare it must be to have a real family.,JERRY,I wouldn't worry about it. B-6?
ELAINE,Hit. Uhh...you sank my submarine.,JERRY,Elaine...
KRAMER,"Hey, buddy, don't say no!",JERRY,I accept.
KRAMER,"I went down to Madeline's. I told her, ""You gotta move, or it's over.""",JERRY,"Well, what happened?"
KRAMER,"I think it's over. We had a big fight, she threw me out, I started walkin', and now I'm lost downtown! I don't have any money. I don't recognize anybody. I miss home, and I don't even know how to get there.",JERRY,What's around you?
KRAMER,I'm lookin' at Ray's Pizza. You know where that is?,JERRY,Is it Famous Ray's?
KRAMER,No. It's Original Ray's.,JERRY,Famous Original Ray's?
KRAMER,"It's just Original, Jerry!",JERRY,"Well, what street are you on?"
KRAMER,"Hey, I'm on first and first. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe.",JERRY,"Just wait there. I'll pick you up, and, Kramer, stay alive no matter what occurs, I will find you!"
MAN,You Steinfeld?,JERRY,Yeah.
MAN,My name is Maxwell. I'm from Maid To Order. It's a pun. I sent one of my girls over to your place.,JERRY,Cindy.
MAN,She says she had a little problem with you. You didn't pay.,JERRY,"You know, she didn't really do what she was supposed to do."
MAN,"Oh, yeah? She told me what you like. You're a little sickie, aren't you? Disinfectant on the blinds, vacuuming the counter--",JERRY,"Hey, come on. Come on. I gotta live around here."
MAN,You know what I do to people who stiff me on a job?,JERRY,What?
MAN,"Well, it kinda depends on the situation, but if I don't get my money from you, I'm gonna get it from her.",JERRY,I don't want to make trouble. You want the money? Here.
BOBBY,9-1-1.,JERRY,"Nexus of the universe. Hey, Cindy. Cindy."
CINDY,What do you want?,JERRY,Here. I got your money.
CINDY,I don't want any money from you.,JERRY,Come on. Take it. It's money. Let me give it to ya.
POLICE,"Looking for a good time, sir? You wanna step out of the car, sickie?",JERRY,"Well, this is all very sophisticated."
GEORGE,Because ballpark food doesn't count as real food.,JERRY,Right. It's just an activity. It's like that paddle with the ball and the rubber band.
KRAMER,"You know, my friend Bob Saccamano made a fortune off of those. See he came up with the idea for the rubber band. Before that, people would just hit the ball, and it would fly away.",JERRY,I can't believe you all made me leave before the end of the game.
KRAMER,"Come on, Jerry, you're going to miss the exit.",JERRY,Keep your shirt on. I got it.
KRAMER,"Oh, boy.",JERRY,Look at this guy. He's trying to box me out.
KRAMER,"I'll tell you when you can go. Wait, wait, wait, Wait-- now, now, now. No, no, no. Go, go! No, no. Wait-- now, now! Now! Jerry! Go--ahh...",JERRY,"Oh, calm down, maroon Golf. He thinks I cut him off. He accelerated."
GEORGE,Blimp The Hindenburg Story.,JERRY,How was it?
GEORGE,I found it morose. Why dwell on these negative themes?,JERRY,Yeah. They should make a movie about all the Hindenburg flights that made it.
GEORGE,"Anyway, right in the middle, the ship blows up-- burning debris, bodies falling-- and then just as this eerie silence settles over the airfield, I yelled out, ""That's gotta hurt!""",JERRY,Heh.
GEORGE,The place went nuts.,JERRY,Imagine the laugh you could have gotten if you'd yelled that out at the actual disaster.
KRAMER,Why are we slowing down?,JERRY,What is that music?
GEORGE,What's with all these flags?,JERRY,"Oh, no."
RADIO,And the Mets score two in the eighth inning.,JERRY,"See? If we had stayed, we could have seen those runs."
ELAINE,"I'm going to miss 60 Minutes. You know, I hate to miss 60 Minutes. It's part of my Sunday weekend wind-down.",JERRY,I don't know how you can unwind with that clock ticking. It makes me anxious.
KRAMER,"All right, gentlemen, I scouted it out. I think we can get out over there.",JERRY,"But that's a one-way street coming this way. Besides, how am I gonna get all the way over there?"
KRAMER,You know you're going to.,JERRY,"All right, I'm worming."
KRAMER,"Hey, Jerry. You know who the grand marshal is of this thing? None other than Miss Chita Rivera.",JERRY,They're not letting me in.
GEORGE,My hand is out.,JERRY,"Well, I think we're gonna need more than a hand. They have to see a human face."
GEORGE,This guy's giving me the stare-ahead.,JERRY,The stare-ahead. I hate that. I use it all the time.
KRAMER,Oh! I know who it is. Stacy Keach.,JERRY,One more lane to go.
LAMAR,"Oh, look who's here. My old buddy, black Saab.",JERRY,Maroon Golf.
LAMAR,"Where you goin', black Saab? You seem to be a tad askew.",JERRY,Could you move your car back a little?
ELAINE,"All right, I think I know where this is going, and I am going somewhere else.",JERRY,You can't do that. You can't just leave the group.
KRAMER,"Con dios? Well, that's rude.",JERRY,Can you believe her?
GEORGE,Yeah. I'll see you later.,JERRY,Where are you going?
GEORGE,The movies. Blimp is playing right there.,JERRY,You're going to that again? Why? Just to do that stupid line?
GEORGE,"It's a performance, Jerry. Like what you do.",JERRY,That's not what I do.
GEORGE,Isn't it?,JERRY,"Maybe a little. Ah, hell, I guess it is."
GEORGE,"It's right in the explosion scene. So if you could just...leave me a little window. You know, my, uh, my aunt had a thing removed with a laser. All right, I don't want to interrupt your meal, so...",JERRY,"I've gotta see this game. If it wasn't for this guy, we could get out of here."
KRAMER,"You want to get outta here? Here's what we do. We leave the car here, we take the plates off, we scratch the serial number off the engine block, and we walk away.",JERRY,Walk away?
KRAMER,"You've got insurance. You tell them that the car was stolen, and then you get another one free.",JERRY,Isn't there a deductible?
KRAMER,"All right, what is your deductible?",JERRY,I don't know.
KRAMER,"Yes, because they've already deducted it.",JERRY,From what?
KRAMER,"The car, which we're leaving. So the net is zero. See you pocket the money, if there is any, and you get a new car.",JERRY,We're not leaving the car!
KRAMER,"All right. If you refuse to grow up and scam your insurance company, you'll have to work this out with maroon Golf.",JERRY,Absolutely not. He sped up.
RADIO,"Swung on, line hard toward left center field. That's in the gap, that's a base hit.",JERRY,I'm ready to talk.
KRAMER,"Ok, here's the deal. He wants you to acknowledge that you cut him off with an ""I am sorry"" wave.",JERRY,What's that?
KRAMER,"You raise the hand, lower the head-- ""I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The buttons are really big on the car. I don't understand it. I haven't read the manual. Ooh!"" You get my drift.",JERRY,Ok!
GEORGE,"All right. At last, we're finally gettin' out of here.",JERRY,What's that on your forehead?
GEORGE,It's probably chocolate.,JERRY,"Hey, is that one of those laser pointers?"
GEORGE,"All right, stop it! Stay away from my breasts! Chest!",JERRY,"See ya around maroon Golf. And, by the way, that was an ""I'm not sorry"" wave."
LAMAR,What was that?,JERRY,"I'm glad I cut you off, because black Saab rules! So long, jackass!"
LAMAR,Jackass? So I'm a jackass now?,JERRY,"So if everyone would just put their cars in reverse at the same time, we can do this. All right, on the count of three. Can everyone hear me? Hey, amigo, are you paying attention?"
PUERTO RICAN MAN,"Buenos dias, my friend.",JERRY,Not you! The guy in the Amigo.
ELAINE,"Boy, eh, can you believe this mess?",JERRY,"Elaine, why did you have the cab come down the street?! We were almost out!"
ELAINE,"I'm not his girlfriend. Well, actually, we used to date, but not anymore.",JERRY,"Elaine, he doesn't need-"
LAMAR,Used to date? So I guess you found out he's a jackass.,JERRY,'Cause that's what's gonna happen.
GEORGE,"This thing can't hurt me, can it? I mean, it is a laser. What if it hits my eye?",JERRY,I don't know.
KRAMER,"You'll be fine as long as it doesn't hit you right in the pupil, 'Cause then the whole ball will go up like the Death Star. Tchoo! I gotta go find a bathroom.",JERRY,"Hold it, George. Don't move. It's right between your eyes."
GEORGE,"Oh, my god.",JERRY,"Hey, there's the soda guy."
JERRY (sarcastically),Ho ho!,JERRY,"What seems to be the problem, officer?"
GEORGE,"They're for protection, Jerry. Can you tell where I'm lookin'?",JERRY,At me?
GEORGE,No.,JERRY,Oh. It's back.
GEORGE,"Bring it on, baby",JERRY,What if it gets in the side?
GEORGE,The side?,JERRY,"Yeah. Wouldn't it just bounce back and forth between your cornea and the mirror, faster and faster, getting more and more intense, until finally-"
GEORGE,All right!,JERRY,Oh. It's in your eye now.
KRAMER,"Hola, Jerry! I'm into this Puerto Rican day! The sights! The sounds! The hot, spicy flavor of it all! It's caliente, Jerry!",JERRY,"Kramer, the Mets have got men on base!"
KRAMER,"Yeah, I know! I was watchin' the game.",JERRY,You were watchin'? Where?
SALES WOMAN,"Would you like to see the rest of the apartment, Mister, um--",JERRY,"Eh...Varnsen. Kel Varnsen. Actually, this room intrigues me. Why is it called the TV room?"
SALES WOMAN,"Well, it's--",JERRY,Balk?! How was that a balk?! You have any snacks?
SALES WOMAN,"Mr. Varnsen, if you like the apartment, I should tell you I've also had some interest from a wealthy industrialist.",JERRY,Not Pennypacker!
SALES WOMAN,You know him?,JERRY,"I wish I didn't. Brace yourself, madam, for an all-out bidding war. But this time, advantage Varnsen!"
SALES WOMAN,It's down the hall.,JERRY,"Oh, hello..."
GEORGE,Art.,JERRY,"Mr. Vandelay, of course."
KRAMER,"Uh, Varnsen.",JERRY,Pennypacker.
GEORGE,Pennypacker. Varnsen.,JERRY,"Vandelay. Wait a second. Mr. Pennypacker, if you're here, and Mr. Vandelay is also here, then who's watching the factory?"
KRAMER,The factory?,JERRY,The Saab factory?
KRAMER,"Jerry, that's in Sweden.",JERRY,My car!
GEORGE,"Jerry, the Mets lost.",JERRY,I love a parade!
KRAMER,"Well...there's no logical explanation. All right. Well, shall we go home?",JERRY,"Well, what about my car?"
KRAMER,"Well, Jerry, you can't deduct it now.",JERRY,"Hey, there's Elaine."
ELAINE,Hey.,JERRY,"Well, you look, uh...relaxed."
LAMAR,"Hey, black Saab. Looks like that building cut you off! Ha ha ha! See ya around!",JERRY,"Well, at least he didn't-"
LAMAR,Jackass!,JERRY,Somebody remember where we parked.
GEORGE,"I can't eat this without catsup. Would it kill her to check up on us? Would that be a terrible thing? ""How's everything? Do you need anything? What can I do for you?""",JERRY,I know what you mean.
GEORGE,Do ya?,JERRY,It's like going out with someone and you never hear from them again.
GEORGE,Same thing!,JERRY,"Not really, but it's something. Ask the people behind you."
WOMAN,You know what? I don't think so. I'm going to need it from time to time.,JERRY,So what are you doing later? You want to go to the movies?
GEORGE,Nah - what for?,JERRY,To see a movie.
GEORGE,I've been to the movies.,JERRY,Not this movie.
GEORGE,"They're all the same. You go, you sit, you eat popcorn, you watch. I'm sick of it.",JERRY,Did you shower today?
GEORGE,Yeah.,JERRY,That's usually the kind of mood I'm in when I haven't showered.
GEORGE,"When is it going to be my turn, Jerry? When do I get my 15 minutes? I want my 15 minutes!",JERRY,"Oh, quit complaining. At least you have your health."
GEORGE,Yeah.,JERRY,What is that?
KRAMER,Hey! JoJo!,JERRY,"Ey, ey!"
KRAMER,"No, thank you. So what are you doing?",JERRY,Nothing.
KRAMER,What? It's a beautiful day.,JERRY,Have a good time.
KRAMER,"Yeah, there's something in the air today. You feel it? There's something in the air.",JERRY,You know you're turning into Burt Lancaster?
ELAINE,"Oh, I forgot to call Jill. Jill. Hi, it's Elaine. How is your father? Is everything okay? What? I can't hear you so good. There's a lot of static. Wha? I'm going to call you back.",JERRY,Jill's father is in the hospital and you call to ask about him on a cell phone?
ELAINE,What? No good?,JERRY,Faux pas.
ELAINE,Why?,JERRY,"You can't make a health inquiry on a cell phone. It's like saying ""I don't want to take up any of my important time in my home so I'll just get it out of the way on the street."""
GEORGE,On-the-street cell-phone call is the lowest phone call you can make.,JERRY,It's an act of total disregard. It's selfish.
GEORGE,It's dismissive.,JERRY,It's pompous.
GEORGE,Boy - I'm really surprised at Elaine - that whole phone business - she should know better than that.,JERRY,Hey - hey - hey!
GEORGE,What?,JERRY,"Where do you think this relationship is? If you are thinking of instituting an open-door urination policy, let me disabuse you of that notion right now, my friend."
GEORGE,You're so uptight.,JERRY,"Uptight? Let's all just have a big pee party. Hey everybody, grab a bucket. We're going up to Jerry's. It's a pee party."
PHONE TAPE,"Jerry, this is Elizabeth Clark calling from James Kimbrough's office at NBC. Could you please give us a call?Thanks.",JERRY,"Hello. Yeah, hi, this is Jerry Seinfeld calling for James Kimbrough. Hello? Hi? Uh huh, really, uh, no problem, definitely, ok, buhbye. That was James Kimbrough."
GEORGE,Who's he?,JERRY,"He is the new president of NBC. He wants to sit down with us and talk about ""Jerry."""
GEORGE,"Our show, ""Jerry""?",JERRY,Right.
GEORGE,"""Jerry"", oh my God. He wants to talk about ""Jerry""?",JERRY,Yeah!
GEORGE,When?,JERRY,"Today, like right now."
GEORGE,"Right now? ""Jerry""?",JERRY,"""Jerry""!"
GEORGE,"He wants to talk about ""Jerry""?",JERRY,"He wants to talk about ""Jerry""!"
GEORGE,"""Jerry""!",JERRY,"""Jerry""!"
GEORGE,Can I go like this?,JERRY,Sure!
GEORGE,No sports jacket? I don't need a sports jacket? Writers wear sports jackets.,JERRY,Forget the sports jacket.
GEORGE,I won't feel like a writer.,JERRY,You're not a writer.
GEORGE,Water. Need some water! Water here!,JERRY,"Ok, now listen, I don't want any scenes in here like the last time."
GEORGE,"Don't worry, don't worry, no scenes.",JERRY,Don't blow this.
GEORGE,I will not blow this.,JERRY,"If he says he doesn't want it to be a show about nothing, don't go nuts."
GEORGE,"It's fine, it doesn't have to be about nothing.",JERRY,He might not want nothing.
GEORGE,"Something, nothing, I could care less.",JERRY,He might want a show about anything and everything.
GEORGE,"Anything, everything, something, nothing - Who the hell cares? Put me down. I'm down!",JERRY,All right.
GEORGE,Magic time.,JERRY,What?
STU,How you been?,JERRY,"Good, good. You remember George."
GEORGE,Kimbrough.,JERRY,Don't spell.
GEORGE,Woo! Some day out there - You ever see weather like that? Woo! It's crisp - it's crispy crisp.,JERRY,"Shut up, George."
GEORGE,What do we have in the fruit department?,JERRY,Oy.
CRESPI,We call it a water-cooler show.,JERRY,"Because the next day in the offices, people gather around the water coolers to talk about it, right?"
GEORGE,"See, I think people would talk about it at the coffee machines.",JERRY,"Well it's probably just easier to say ""water cooler show"" than ""coffee machine show."""
GEORGE,It's really not accurate. Nobody drinks from a water cooler any more - they use bottles.,JERRY,But I think Mr. Kimbrough makes a good point.
KIMBROUGH,"What I want to do is put it on the air. 13-episode commitment. Start it off on Wednesday night, build up an audience. This show needs time to grow. I love that Kramer guy.",JERRY,He's a little off the wall.
KIMBROUGH,And Elaine - I wouldn't mind seeing something happening between you two.,JERRY,Definitely.
GEORGE,Yeah!,JERRY,Yeah!
ELAINE,"Jill, hi, it's Elaine. Well, I'm calling from my home. Indoors. Well, I was just calling to see how your fa.. I'm sorry, I'm getting another call. Hang on just a second. Hello?",JERRY,"Hi. Elaine, it's me."
ELAINE,"Jerry, I'm on the other line.",JERRY,No no - this is an emergency - get off the phone.
ELAINE,"I'm sorry, Jill. I'm going to have to take this call. Jerry, what's the emergency?",JERRY,"The ""Jerry""'s back on - the TV show! George and I are moving to California!"
ELAINE,That's the emergency?,JERRY,Did you hear what I said?
ELAINE,I was on the other line talking to Jill.,JERRY,"Jill? Well, why didn't you say so?"
ELAINE,You said it was an emergency.,JERRY,So now she's lost a phone face-off? That's even worse than your cell phone walk-and-talk.
MORTY,"Jerry, you ever watch that?",JERRY,"Yeah, it's pretty good."
ESTELLE,Nothing. Please. I'll tell you the truth - the whole thing sounds pretty stupid to me.,JERRY,"NBC is letting me use their private jet? And I can go anywhere I want? That's fantastic! Thanks. Great. Okay, bye."
KRAMER,Oh hey!,JERRY,Hey - how was the beach?
KRAMER,"Oh, you missed it, buddy - lot of femininas - some major femininas",JERRY,I had a little meeting today at NBC. What are you doing?
KRAMER,"You know, I went swimming and I can't get this water out of my ear.",JERRY,"So do you remember five years ago, we did that pilot, ""Jerry""? Well, the new guy at NBC wants to do it. They're putting it on the air! They're giving us a 13-episode commitment. George and I are moving to California!"
KRAMER,You're moving to California?,JERRY,"Yeah, only for a while."
KRAMER,"Yeah, but Jerry, what happens if the show's a hit? You could be out there for years! You might never come back.",JERRY,"No, I'll be back."
KRAMER,"Jerry. It's L.A. Nobody leaves. She's a seductress, she's a siren, she's a virgin, she's a whore.",JERRY,"And my agent said as a bonus, I can use their private jet, so we'll all go somewhere - the four of us, one big fling before George and I go to California."
ELAINE,So we can go anywhere we want?,JERRY,Anywhere.
ELAINE,Why are they doing this?,JERRY,I think they want to make it up to us cause they let this thing sit on their shelf for five years.
ELAINE,Oh - I got it - how about Russia?,JERRY,"Russia, it's so bleak."
ELAINE,It's not bleak - it's springtime.,JERRY,It's still bleak.
ELAINE,You can't be bleak in spring.,JERRY,You can be bleak in spring.
ELAINE,"All right! You know what, just forget it!",JERRY,"Alright - come on - come on now, people. Let's face it, we're not all going to agree on anything. Why don't we all just go to Paris?"
KRAMER,Oh yeah - oui oui.,JERRY,"So that's it - it's settled, we're going to Paris."
ELAINE,Hey. NBC limo is downstairs - beep beep beep. {NBC tune} I'm just going to call Jill one more time before we go.,JERRY,"Wait, you can't make a call like that on your way out. You can't rush that conversation."
ELAINE,"Well, I can't call from the limo. Can I call from the plane?",JERRY,"First you make a cell-phone walk-and-talk, then she loses a call-waiting face-off, now you're talking about a plane call?"
NEWMAN,"Hello, Jerry.",JERRY,"Hello, Newman. What gives?"
NEWMAN,I was speaking earlier with Kramer and he mentioned something about a private jet to Paris?,JERRY,"Yeah, that's right."
NEWMAN,"Well, I hear it's quite beautiful there this time of year, and of course you know I'm one-quarter French.",JERRY,Really.
NEWMAN,"Oh yes, in fact I still have family there. This probably won't interest you, but I have a cousin there who's suffering very badly. She's lost all use of her muscles. She can only communicate by blinking. I would so love to see her - bring a ray of sunshine into her tragic life. But alas, I can't afford it, for I am, as you know, but a simple postal worker.",JERRY,That's a shame.
NEWMAN,Take me! Take me!,JERRY,"Oh, forget it. Pull yourself together. You're making me sick. Be a man!"
CAPTAIN,"Ah, Jerry?",JERRY,Yeah.
CAPTAIN,"I'm Captain Maddox this is my co-pilot, Kurt Adams. Ready to go to Paris?",JERRY,All set. We'll just grab the bags.
CAPTAIN,Don't worry about that. We'll take care of them for you.,JERRY,Just keeps on getting better and better.
GEORGE,"I'm sorry - I have to say, I'm a little disappointed, I thought it would be a lot nicer.",JERRY,You're complaining about a private jet?
GEORGE,You think this is the plane that Ted Danson gets?,JERRY,Ted Danson is not even on the network anymore.
GEORGE,This is a real piece of junk. I don't even feel safe on this thing. I have a good mind to write a letter toMr. Kimbrough.,JERRY,You're not writing any letters!
GEORGE,"Kramer, what are you doing?",JERRY,Still got water in your ear?
ELAINE,What is that noise? What is that noise?,JERRY,"Kramer, what the hell did you do?"
ELAINE,What's going on?,JERRY,Kramer!
GEORGE,Just when I was doing great. I told you God wouldn't let me be successful.,JERRY,Is this it? Is this how it ends? It can't- it can't end like this.
GEORGE,Jerry? Jerry can you hear me?,JERRY,Yeah.
GEORGE,There's something I have to tell you.,JERRY,What? What is it?
GEORGE,The contest - I cheated.,JERRY,Why?
GEORGE,Because I'm a cheater! I had to tell you.,JERRY,Great - I won.
ELAINE,"Jerry, I gotta tell you something too.",JERRY,"Yeah, Elaine I got something I want to say to you."
ELAINE,No no - me first.,JERRY,Alright.
ELAINE,We're straightening out?,JERRY,We're straightening out!
CAPTAIN,"Well, again, sorry about that little mishap. But once you get everything checked out there shouldn't be anymore problems.",JERRY,Where are we?
CAPTAIN,"Latham, Massachusetts. Why don't you take a cab into town, get yourself something to eat. I got your beeper number - I'll beep you as soon as we're ready.",JERRY,Okay.
ELAINE,Okay.,JERRY,We'll see you later.
ELAINE,"Well, what are we going to do about Paris? I mean are we actually going to get back on this plane?",JERRY,"I say we go back to New York, and take a regular flight."
GEORGE,"First class doesn't make it anymore. Now you get on the phone with Kimbrough, tell him what happened and tell him to get another plane down here, but this time, the good one - the Ted Danson plane.",JERRY,"Alright, I'll feel him out."
STRANGER,Nice day.,JERRY,Another one?
VOGEL,Don't shoot.,JERRY,"Well, there goes the money for the lipo."
ROBBER,"I want your wallet. Come on. Come on, come on.",JERRY,"That's a shame. Alright, I'm gonna call NBC."
VOGEL,"Officer, he's stealing my car! Officer, I was carjacked. I was held up at gunpoint! He took my wallet, everything!",JERRY,"Okay, thanks anyway. They can't get another plane."
ELAINE,Forget it.,JERRY,"No, no, no. We're not getting on there. Come on, let's go get something to eat in Sticksville."
OFFICER,You're under arrest.,JERRY,Under arrest? What for?
DEPUTY,"Well, they just passed it last year. It's modeled after the French law. I heard about it after Princess Diana was killed and all those photographers were just standing around.",JERRY,"Oh, yeah."
ELAINE,I guess we could've called for help.,JERRY,But then we would have missed the whole thing.
GEORGE,"Yeah, he's right.",JERRY,I forgot about the video.
ELAINE,What is that?,JERRY,Plane's ready.
KRAMER,"This is excellent huh? Don't worry I didn't use too much milk, cause I know we gotta make it last.",JERRY,"You know I've had to reduce my milk level. My whole life I've always filled to at least three quarters - sometimes, to the top of the cereal. Now, to conserve, I can't even see the milk anymore. It's a big adjustment."
KRAMER,I bet.,JERRY,It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
ELAINE,"Good morning, Jackie.",JERRY,Good morning.
CHILES,Do you think it's funny?,JERRY,No.
CHILES,Here.,JERRY,This one?
CHILES,That's right.,JERRY,Do I have to?
GEORGE,"Jerry, did you hear that?",JERRY,Yeah.
CHOATE,Oh no.,JERRY,Gimme that rye.
CHOATE,Stop it.,JERRY,I want that rye lady.
CHOATE,Help - someone help.,JERRY,"Shut up, you old bag!"
BAILIFF,Call Marla Penny.,JERRY,The virgin!
HOYT,Call Donald Sanger to the stand.,JERRY,Who the hell is that?
CHILES,Bubble Boy?,JERRY,"That's right, the Bubble Boy."
CHILES,What's a Bubble Boy?,JERRY,He's a boy who lives in a bubble.
GUARD,"At the time, I was employed as a security guard in the parking lot at the Garden Valley Shopping Mall.",JERRY,Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law.
GUARD,I don't know.,JERRY,Because I could get uromycitisis poisoning and die - that's why.
BAILIFF,Call Yev Kassem.,JERRY,Who?
HOYT,The state calls Mr. Babu Bhatt to the stand.,JERRY,How did they find Babu?
RIVERA,And so we wait.,JERRY,Do they make you wear uniforms in prison?
ELAINE,I think so.,JERRY,It's not that bright orange one is it?
CHILES,Hello? Damn. They're ready.,JERRY,"Hey Elaine, what was it you were about to say to me on the plane when it was going down?"
KRAMER,I think it's going to be okay - that girl just smiled at me.,JERRY,Maybe because she knows you're going to jail.
SIDRA,"Come on, Jackie. Let's go.",JERRY,What?
CHILES,"Oh, and by the way, they're real, and they're spectacular.",JERRY,"Well, it's only a year. That's not so bad. We'll be out in a year, and then we'll be back"
ELAINE,"If I call Jill from prison, do you think that would make up for the other ones?",JERRY,Sure.
ELAINE,Cause you only get one call. The prison call is like the king of calls.,JERRY,I think that would be a very nice gesture.
KRAMER,"I got it - it's out! How about that, huh? Oh, boy, what a relief.",JERRY,"See now, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot."
GEORGE,Really?,JERRY,"Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it, it's too high, it's in no-man's land."
GEORGE,Haven't we had this conversation before?,JERRY,You think?
GEORGE,I think we have.,JERRY,"Yeah, maybe we have."
PRISONER 1,I am.,JERRY,"I'll talk slower. I'm kidding - I love Cellblock D. My friend George is in Cellblock D. What are you in for,sir?"
PRISONER 2,Murder one.,JERRY,"Murder one? Oooooo, watch out everybody. Better be nice to you. I'm only kidding sir - lighten up. How about you, what are you in for?"
PRISONER 3,Grand theft auto.,JERRY,Grand theft auto - don't steal any of my jokes.
PRISONER 3,You suck - I'm gonna cut you.,JERRY,"Hey, I don't come down to where you work, and knock the license plate out of your hand."
GUARD,"Alright, Seinfeld, that's it. Let's go. Come on.",JERRY,"Alright, hey, you've been great! See you in the cafeteria."