He was a part of me in a way I would never know while living . And here , in the distorted heaven projected around me , I finally could . And damn if the words did n't make tears sting in my eyes . I would have been embarrassed , but I think I was past all that .

Question: Why was I past all that ?
Answer: If you have true hardship then small things like public emotion become meaningless .My tear ducts would n't work .I was mentally illI was too concerned about what a neighbor might say and could n't bear it .