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SCP-5809

Item #: SCP-5809
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-5809 is contained in a 13 liter fish tank within a standard containment locker. SCP-5809 is not to be within sight of SCP-5809-1.
Description: SCP-5809 is a ryukin goldfish capable of psychokinetic manipulation, as well as writing broken English. It has exclusively utilized this ability to play the multiplayer game League of Legends.1 SCP-5809 accessed League of Legends through a Dell laptop, hereby referred to as SCP-5809-1.
In League of Legends, SCP-5809 exclusively played the champion Fizz.2 During each match, SCP-5809 typed excessively in the game's chat, usually to degrade other players and boast about itself. It played under the username "GGEZGETCARRIED," and played in Gold elo in the solo queue competitive ladder.
Addendum 1 - Discovery: SCP-5809 was discovered when Alex Marcin encountered an unfamiliar account that was logged into his League of Legends client. Upon discovery of SCP-5809 and SCP-5809-1, field agent Gary Morrison asked SCP-5809's account a question using Alex's account. The log can be found below.

+ Open

- Close

RangedTop666: Who are you?
GGEZGETCARRIED: Lmao I'm the goldfish bro
GGEZGETCARRIED: How tf are you still in Silver btw?
GGEZGETCARRIED: Legit trash stop playing 2head XD
GGEZGETCARRIED: How does it feel to be in a lower elo than a goldfish lmao
GGEZGETCARRIED: Hello
GGEZGETCARRIED: R u there XD
GGEZGETCARRIED: Huh
GGEZGETCARRIED: Cool
GGEZGETCARRIED: Stay mad ig LOL

Alex Marcin was properly amnesticized after containment.
Addendum 2 - Game Chat Logs: The following log is an excerpt from the game chat in a match SCP-5809 was present in.

+ Open

- Close

HealerCarriesUXD (Soraka): hey Fizz can u come bot?
HealerCarriesUXD (Soraka): Jinx has bounty
HealerCarriesUXD (Soraka) has targeted David6617 - (Jinx)
GGEZGETCARRIED (Fizz): lol no too fed
HealerCarriesUXD (Soraka): u fking dog
HealerCarriesUXD (Soraka): come u brainlet
GGEZGETCARRIED (Fizz): I have bounty 2 cuz I actually won lane unlike you squid dick
HealerCarriesUXD (Soraka): yea cuz u stand under tower the entire game like pussy
GGEZGETCARRIED (Fizz): no I just good XD
GGEZGETCARRIED (Fizz): unlike u
GGEZGETCARRIED (Fizz): 0/7/2 KDA lookin ass
HealerCarriesUXD (Soraka): if u don't come bot it will be gg
GGEZGETCARRIED (Fizz): fine
GGEZGETCARRIED (Fizz): will swim down
GGEZGETCARRIED (Fizz) is on the way
David6617 (Jinx) has shut down GGEZGETCARRIED (Fizz)! (Total Kill Reward: 150G)
HealerCarriesUXD (Soraka) signals that enemies are missing
HealerCarriesUXD (Soraka) signals that enemies are missing
HeftyHerald (Caitlyn) signals that enemies are missing
HeftyHerald (Caitlyn): fizz u have fish brain
HeftyHerald (Caitlyn): uninstall plz
GGEZGETCARRIED (Fizz): lol

Footnotes
1. A multiplayer online battle arena (MOBA) created by Riot Games.
2. A short, aquatic character known in the League of Legends universe as a yordle.

« SCP-5808 | SCP-5809 | SCP-5810 »


Item #: SCP-5811
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: Instructions for SCP-5811 are restricted to Level 4/5811 personnel.
Description: SCP-5811 is a technique for the non-surgical removal of the human eye. The process is non-hazardous, and subjects undergoing it experience no discomfort. Removed eyes can then be placed on a new surface medium, which experiences topographical deformations to form a facsimile to a human orbit.
Vision through the eye is retained at all points.

Test/5811.01: D-WM145's left eye is removed and placed on a table at the center of the testing chamber. Subject becomes heavily disoriented, displaying difficulties with movement until regaining composure after a span of 11 minutes. Eye is returned at the conclusion of testing.

Test/5811.02: D-WM146's left eye is removed and applied to the test chamber atmosphere. Stability exists momentarily before air currents from the subject's movements cause rapid ocular dissolution. Vision is retained. SCP-5811 is determined to function for non-physical surface media.

Test/5811.03: D-WM147's left eye is removed and is first applied to a powered light bulb in the chamber, then the light emitted from said bulb. The light bulb application yields expected results of blindness; the light application visuals are described to be "gentle, yet yearning." The eye vanishes.

Test/5811.04: Researcher Alexandra Maxwell, backup supervisor on Research Team 5811, accidentally removes xyr postorbital lobe while sleepwalking. On reporting an anomalous incident, security teams are dispatched to xyr bedroom and retrieve the lobe, which is put into cryogenic storage.

Note
Appeals from Researcher A. Maxwell to remove the lobe from storage have been rejected.

Test/5811.05: Based on the results of Test/5811.04, D-WM148 is asked to remove their own postorbital lobe. D-WM148 is motionless for 13 seconds until vocalizing that they "made a misplacement." Both D-WM148 and Researcher Radoš C. Stanek, the appointed testing supervisor, are rendered unconscious.
Medical personnel find that the brains of both subjects are in REM sleep, displaying identical neurological patterns. Neither regain consciousness.

Note
Previous proposals to use SCP-5811 as an auxiliary tool alongside SCP-3484 have been unanimously rejected.
Researcher A. Maxwell has been appointed as the new testing supervisor.

Test/5811.06: Researcher A. Maxwell draws six renditions of a human eye, each to varying degrees of detail and abstraction. Attempts are then made to remove each drawing from the paper and apply them to the chamber wall.
Attempts are successful.

Test/5811.07: Test/5811.06 is repeated with:

Photographed eyes
Eyes drawn by other personnel
Shapes drawn by personnel following set instructions; outcomes are meant to resemble abstracted eyes, without the intent being stated in the instructions

SCP-5811 succeeds on the photographs and the first set of drawings, but fails on the second. The anomaly is hypothesized to be dependent on original intent for a structure to qualify as an "eye."

Test/5811.08: SCP-5811 is successfully performed on a handheld camera.

Test/5811.09: SCP-5811 is successfully performed on a 144mm reflector telescope.

Test/5811.10: SCP-5811 is successfully performed on a digital copy of the film The Wizard of Oz. The eyes of a "Munchkin" background character are extricated from the screen playing the film and are placed separate of it for the duration the film's length, with the character monitored for any abnormalities. Initially, the character displays slight disorientation, but follows the script for the remainder of their time on screen.
The eyes vanish on conclusion of the film.
On replay, the character remains eyeless, and briefly follows the script until waving at the cast and sitting away from the central events, craning their head as if to stare upwards. Behavior is consistent across subsequent replays. No other effects to the film are present.

Test/5811.11: All mentions of the eyes of the character Jordan Baker, present in a copy of the novel The Great Gatsby, are concurrently removed. The plot experiences no changes, though the character is significantly more withdrawn than normal, often described facing the sky and, in one case, holding a telescope not present in the original story. Her last appearance is in Chapter 7, where she abandons the main cast after saying she "needs some time to think." The character is completely missing in all subsequent rereads.

Test/5811.12: D-W145, despite having been amnesticized on the exact instructions, performs SCP-5811 on herself while in her chamber. She removes her left eye and, as based on security footage of her hand "phasing" through her head, places it within her mental headspace. The same action is performed on the right eye. Pausing for a moment, she vocalizes that she "gets what's going on now," and vanishes.
Security are unable to locate D-W146 in or around the vicinity of the testing facility.

Test/5811.13: Researcher A. Maxwell records xyrself temporarily self-enacting SCP-5811. The footage is then replayed on a computer screen within the chamber.
All security cameras in the chamber simultaneously deactivate.

Note
Researcher A. Maxwell has been detained.
On footage loss, security teams successfully breached the chamber, and subdued Researcher A. Maxwell before xe could misuse SCP-5811. Within the chamber were anomaly-extricated security camera lenses, drawings of telescopes, and drawings of the postorbital lobe to varying degrees of detail. The computer screen was missing.
Researcher A. Maxwell has failed to provide any explanation for xyr actions. No memetic interrogation methods have yielded results.
It is by the consensus agreement of the Board of Secure Testing, the Board of Personnel Management, and the Board of Personnel Conduct that Researcher A. Maxwell be removed from SCP-5811 research and reassigned to unrelated work. The Boards further agree that Researcher A. Maxwell be amnesticized to remove all information on the instructions of the anomaly, with xyr rank demoted from Class B to Class C, effective immediately. At this time the Boards deem removal from the Foundation to be unnecessary.
Researcher Yasmin Kader has been appointed as the new testing supervisor.

Addendum.5811.1: Discovery
SCP-5811 was discovered following the disappearance of Dr. Zenia Langley, Researcher A. Maxwell's sibling, on 14/03/2035. Dr. Langley, who was working at the University of Tokyo Atacama Observatory, abruptly input telescope positioning commands independent of observatory operations, and was observed at 03:34 rushing from staff quarters to the TAO 6.5m telescope.
Persons investigating the telescope's interior found no traces of Dr. Langley. In zher room, the instructions to SCP-5811 were typed into a .txt file, paired with a message reading "I thought up a way out, Alex. It's going to work." Researcher A. Maxwell reported having no prior knowledge on Dr. Langley's actions.
The telescope was trained on NGC-6543 (the Cat's Eye Nebula).

« SCP-5810 | SCP-5811 | SCP-5812 »


close

Info

X

Title: SCP-5812 - The Punishment Boat
Made In: 2022

Item #: SCP-5812
Object Class: Eparch1
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-5812 is to be contained in Site-77, and the facility/space where this object was found will be sealed off with surveillance cameras mounted around its entrance.
Description: SCP-5812 is a small boat vessel, presumably originally designed for private use, with silver plating throughout. It is not equipped with a motor or other power source for aquatic propulsion. One notable feature is the unplated steel cofferdam that is bound to the exterior of the hull by several layers of chains. While the chains are considered easy to remove, the coffin is welded shut barring physical entry. Non-destructive testing has revealed the following contents inside the coffin.

Wine (which occupies the volume inside the entire coffin)
A humanoid entity (presumed to be already deceased)
5 bullets
Wooden stake (through the chest of a humanoid entity, with some manner of plating)

SCP-5812 is non-anomalous and has no other features worth mentioning.
SCP-5812 was discovered during an earthquake on 2022/02/10 when an unusual noise was heard originating from the basement of Site-77. After investigating the cause of the strange noise, a hatch was unearthed 30 meters further down from the underground level of the site. The hatch led to a corridor, which led to a vast underground space.
This space is believed to have been sealed off by a heavy steel door, which was damaged when discovered. It is assumed that it was damaged by repeated earthquakes. The door was marked "Department of Abnormalities," and a placard that had fallen nearby read "The Count Who is Arrogant" in Italian.
SCP-5812 was found enshrined in space. The room wherein the anomaly was held is covered with cement. To note, there is a significant amount of damage marks found throughout the walls and ceiling of the space. Also found in the vicinity of SCP-5812 was a Mobile Task Force helmet. The design of the helmet is identical to past designs employed by the Foundation. Alongside this, two pieces of notepaper were found.
The helmet bore the Foundation's insignia, an unknown coat of arms, and the notation "MTF Γ-0". The papers, on the other hand, each contained the following statements.

Notice: SCP-███ has been placed under the control of the Department of Abnormalities under the direction of O5-11, as it is believed that it is no longer possible for the Foundation to house him. The incarceration and sanctioning will be handled by Mobile Task Force Gamma-0 ("Flaming Sword").

Remove from the main list
Amnestics treatment for peoples involved
Storage in departmental database
[TRANSCRIPTION ERROR]
Imprison

It should be noted that to date, there is no indication that the Foundation has used the code name Mobile Task Force Gamma-0, and O5-11 has denied any involvement.

Further investigation is restricted by the O5 Council.

ID and password accepted. Welcome O5-11.

Note: Since the staff member in charge of SCP-5812 reported discomfort whilst being near the backmost wall of the room wherein SCP-5812 was found, an additional confidential investigation led by O5-11 was initiated. The investigation revealed the existence of a further hallway beyond the wall.
This corridor is connected to dozens of rooms similar in construction to those in SCP-5812, one of which is accessible due to a damaged door. In the accessible room, there is a preserved and treated corpse that appears to be canine. The corpse exhibits signs of having been poisoned with multiple chemicals.
The remaining rooms have also been determined, through non-destructive testing, to contain entities that have been terminated, due to numerous causes. All of these rooms have their own placards, but all show signs of extensive damage and corrosion.
The room located at the far end of the corridor has been detached from the original. The interior is empty, but many bloodstains are present throughout. No placards have been posted on the doors; instead, a pasted paper with the following statements in Italian and English was found.

Notice
Internal memo to MTF Gamma-0

This room will not be used. As no new sinners will appear, this facility will be sealed off.

Notably, the document contains a signature in the handwriting of a past O5-11. However, the current O5-11 has not been given any information on Site-77 or taken over any related materials, including SCP-5812 or other contents. As of writing, the past O5-11 is already deceased. In addition, the relevant staff of the past O5-11 was amnesticized upon his retirement. Therefore, there are no records of the facility in the database.

Footnotes
1. Item is non-anomalous but related to the anomalous.

« SCP-5811 | SCP-5812 | SCP-5813 »


by J Dune

SCP-5813 -

X

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F.A.Q.

{$doesthisfixthebug}

BY ORDER OF THE OVERSEER COUNCIL
The following file is Level 4/5813 Archived
Unauthorized access is forbidden.

5813

NOTICE FROM THE FOUNDATION RECORDS AND INFORMATION SECURITY ADMINISTRATION
The following document is considered archived as of: 1874/3/08, and should only be viewed for reference purposes. It may contain outdated information, and is not comparable to current revisions of said documentation. Footnotes have been added by BRIDGE.AIC to assist the text in areas where archaic verbiage is present.
— Maria Jones, Director, RAISA

American Secure Containment Initiative Document, circa 1874

Official Presidential portrait of A-5813.

Item Number: A-5813
Threat Level: Treacherous1
Classification Type: Presence

Safety Precautions: Documents, publications, and manuscripts dated with the years 1850 to 1853 are to be produced and covertly disseminated through a variety of Initiative front companies operating under the auspices of news and media archives in the United States. These written works cover a variety of ordinary subjects, a full list of which is available to project supervisors.
This process is to continue at the discretion of the Executive Parliament.2 Should these precautions pass a set budgetary threshold, they are to be discontinued.
Body: A-5813 is the 13th President of the United States, Millard Fillmore.3
As far as the ASCI can determine, no person by the name of 'Millard Fillmore' existed prior to July 9th 1850, whereupon A-5813 apparated and became President of the United States, then disappeared on March 4th, 1853. The only documentation that exists from within this time period is that regarding A-5813, and no ASCI personnel can recall specific events not related to A-5813 within the 3 years of its presidency.
Despite the missing time, it was found that most individuals —ASCI members and civilians alike —possessed similar knowledge of the events of the preceding 3 years, most of which concern A-5813.
Below is a list of information on A-5813 accumulated by the ASCI:

A-5813 attended law school and served in the New York militia.
A-5813 became a House Representative for New York's 32nd District and served from 1833-1843.
A-5813 became the Comptroller of New York and served from 1848-1849.
A-5813 became Zachary Taylor's running mate in the 1848 election.4
A-5813 became President of the United States following the death of Zachary Taylor in 1850.
A-5813 agreed to the Compromise of 1850.
A-5813 ordered Commodore Perry to open Japan for trade with the United States.
A-5813 sought reelection in 1852 but was defeated by Franklin Pierce.

Due to A-5813's high-profile position and widespread global effects, the erasure of A-5813 from the public consciousness has been deemed impossible.5In an attempt to keep the public from questioning the sudden disappearance of A-5813, the ASCI proposed to seek look-alikes to repurpose utilizing Level I Hypnosuggestive agents6, but the proposition was rejected for being too costly. A number of Hypnosuggestive agents were implanted within major United States news publications with the intention of keeping the public unaware of missing time caused by A-5813. This process also proved too costly, and was discontinued by the order of the Executive Parliament following three months of dissemination.
On 1854/4/12, creation of a homunculus to replace A-5813 was approved by the ASCI Thaumaturge and Alchemy Division.
Nota Bene: Incident-1A-5813
Due to faltering aether reserves as a consequence of the ongoing Fifth Occult War7, efforts to create a fitting homunculus have failed. Following a series of catastrophic failures, Warden8 Hurtz proposed consulting PoI-466.9
The following attached documents detail correspondence between Hurtz and Waksmundski.

Dear Dr. Waksmundski,
I am once again appealing to your patronage as a benefactor of the initiative. See to this request as quickly as possible.
We are in dire need of your assistance in the creation of a homunculus capable of functioning as an ordinary human, as independent of any handlers or masters as possible.
This creature is to be created in the image of President Fillmore, a portrait of which has been enclosed alongside this letter.10 Its intelligence should rival that of an ordinary human, though the illusion of such should suffice given our candidate. Regardless, it should be able-bodied, capable of speaking and carrying a conversation in English with a degree of verbosity, and embody general qualities expected of a United States President, including eloquence, composure, and a basic knowledge of the American history and tradition.
As you know, procurement of esoteric materials is nigh impossible at the moment. I hope you should be swayed by an advance offering to utilize your network of suppliers to their greatest ability. Should your assignment be successful, you will receive the payment in its entirety.
A Patriot11 is being sent to your apothecary to monitor and assist the process. If you find this egregious or fear your methods to be stolen, you are free to send him back. However, this will affect the sum of your payment.
We anticipate your compliance.
Regards,
Warden James E. Hurtz, ASCI Thaumaturge and Alchemy Department

My Dearest Hurtz,
Thank you for contacting us! I've had a grand idea quite some time now, and your charitable offering is the final push needed to propel the dreams of a humble alchemist to a worldwide phenomena. I'm sure your Initiative will be delighted to see the fruits of this endeavor — but that is in the future. The task at hand still stands, and golly, is it tall!
Your 'Patriot' arrived a day ago. Wonderful boy, he is! Understandably, he's in awe at my expanded workshop! I've been putting together a few personal projects in the meantime, some of which you'll surely see in-hand one day. Still, that nasty occult quarrel has constrained even my distribution channels, and while I enjoy a good joke, making a fully functioning homunculous is no laughing matter. In fact, I've never heard of one that functions with the complexity you desire, but I'm always anticipating pushing the boundaries of imagination. If you can dream it, then Dr. Waksmundski will make it so! You will get your President in due time.
Can you supply me with a summary of your previous homunculous attempts? It's possible that in your failures, I can find wisdom. It could hasten our friend's creation by weeks!
Best Wishes,
Dr. Waksmundski

To Dr. Waksmundski,
In short, we only managed to fully synthesize one functioning homunculus. There were a number of attempts that calcified on the lab floors, barely cognizant creatures that either melted in sunlight or couldn't understand basic commands, but none as complete as our final attempt, to which we gave the preliminary designation A-5813-1.
It could walk, talk, and consume food without combusting from the neck up. We were incredibly close to using the creation in practice, but there were a number of deficiencies. It was capable of conversation, but would completely lose all sense of itself when confronted with a choice. Even when explicitly told to choose a certain option, it still could not decide and instead would stare in the distance until falling asleep hours later. We had to purée its food because it didn't know when to stop chewing.
That wasn't all; it was completely incapable of using a toilet, took issues with understanding past and future tenses when speaking, and had a strange fascination with repeatedly opening and closing doors. The entity is currently operating as a doorman at one of our safehouses, apparently the only occupation it is capable of.
We're led to believe that our attempts to create a noncontroversial political figure to correspond with the understood reception of President Fillmore had gone too far due to our admitted lack of experience in the creation of homunculi. I've enclosed a number of biological, behavioral, and statistical reports regarding the creation of A-5813-1, should they be of use to you.
- Hurtz

Dear Hurtz,
I apologize about the late response, friend. Every facet of life at the workshop is working in tandem to create our President, and things couldn't be busier! A shipment of dubious reagents I've procured from a fellow by the name of 'Dr. Bromide'12 combined with a few in-house specialties have created quite the mixture, one absolutely perfect for creating a homunculus with the complexity you desire. What's more is that it's economical too! Are visions of Waksmundski's future dotting your mind's eye? They should be.
Oh, I'm getting carried away with myself, you have to forgive me, things are just too exciting these days! New ideas, new projects, new ways to bring joy! I've sent your man back to you, along with the completed homunculus. It should be close to what you asked for, but I couldn't help but add some 'special features' to him. Mr. Fillmore is a fine gentleman, and I think you'll come around to appreciating some of his quirks. Nevertheless, if you're unsatisfied with him, a second, more conventional version is available upon request. I wouldn't want to disappoint my most important customers.
I'll be waiting for your feedback, but please write soon! There are places I must go, and the apothecary has far outlived its usefulness. Yes, I'm moving far from the City on the Hill — very far, in fact!
Talk soon,
Dr. Waksmundski

To Waksmundski,
Last night, Patriot Jones arrived at the Safehouse alongside your homunculus. While its linguistic and functional capabilities are more than impressive and exceed our expectations by a wide margin, I must inform you that the following 'features' are not necessary inclusions for a Millard Fillmore look-alike:

The ability to produce balloons from its mouth and shape them into animals
The inclusion of a music box in its stomach, and the fixation on singing with, dancing to, and continuously playing it
The confusing practice of giving ordinary animals titles indicating that they are federal officials, and wishing to commemorate their service with a parade or ceremony
The smaller homunculus housed under its top hat - 'Mini-Fillmore'
The constant begging to 'go to the race track' and desire to 'see a strong horse bring it all home'

I should not have to clarify this, but these qualities work against our intentions and prior agreement. If you would like to receive any more compensation for your work, you will give the Initiative the homunculus we asked for. I have dispensed a collective of Patriots to your apothecary for the purposes of collection.
- Hurtz

Following this letter, a small group of Patriots arrived at PoI-466's apothecary in Boston, Massachusetts. The majority of equipment and supplies had been moved out of the building, and PoI-466 appeared to be in the process of cleaning. He initially expressed disappointment that the homunculus was poorly received, but informed the Initiative that they may "keep [it] and do as they wish". PoI-466 gave another homunculus, similar in appearance to the previous, to the collection team. Following this, he opened, and entered into, a small thaumaturgic Way. The present location of PoI-466 is unknown.
The homunculus given to the Initiative was designated A-5813-1, and proved to be a satisfactory replacement to A-5813. Further documentation pending as of 1854/12/19.

NOTICE FROM THE FOUNDATION RECORDS AND INFORMATION SECURITY ADMINISTRATION
You are viewing an ARCHIVED iteration of file: SCP-5813-1. If you would like to return to the most current iteration, CLICK HERE

Footnotes
1. A classification indicating an anomaly of the largest threat to security of the United States.
2. The highest administrative body of the ASCI.
3. Foundation specialists currently believe A-5813 was a meta-narrative entity capable of altering historical events.
4. All public documents regarding Zachary Taylor's original running mate, Henry Clay, disappeared with SCP-5813's manifestation. The only existing documentation of the Taylor-Clay 1848 ticket is part of an internal ASCI news bulletin from Safehouse-19.
5. Adjusting for inflation, the use of global Class B Amnestics, destruction of related documents, monuments, and overall altering of history would cost $17.8 trillion.
6. Prior to the discovery and widespread use of amnestics, the Foundation utilized Hypnosuggestive agents to induce amnesia and maintain secrecy. Though very powerful, the drug often had nearly fatal side effects. Use of Hypnosuggestive agents was discontinued in 1958.
7. 1823-1859.
8. A title approximating Foundation Department Leads.
9. Doctor Cornelius Waksmundski, a well-known alchemist operating within Boston, MA in the mid-to-late 19th century.
10. This portrait was one of many commissioned by the ASCI following the discovery of A-5813.
11. The ASCI equivalent of the Foundation designation 'Agent'.
12. Believed to be PoI-382, Thilo Zwist, an activist and memeticist operating under that name during this time

« SCP-5812 | SCP-5813 | SCP-5814 »


Distribution scheme of SCP-5814-A within Laniakea supercluster.

Item#: 5814

Level3

Containment Class:
esoteric

Secondary Class:
ticonderoga

Disruption Class:
dark

Risk Class:
warning

link to memo

Special Containment Procedures: Containment of SCP-5814 is impossible and unnecessary. SCP-5814's phenomenon is unlikely to cause any significant threats to carbon-based organisms for the foreseeable future, but it is expected that a mass extinction of carbon-based life will occur on a timescale of millions of years.
The anomalous effect of SCP-5814 is observable with the following procedure.

 + Technical details

- Hide technical details

With a period of 72 hours, the speed of light in standard 0.020 mol/L potassium hydrogen phthalate solution is to be measured under 298.15K and 101.325kPa.1 The solution's obtained dielectric constant is then used for confirming Freking's Law (see below) by substituting the measured value into the equation. This result should be directly reported to the Overseer Council if a nonnegligible deviation from Freking's Law is found in more than 10 consecutive measurements.

Description: SCP-5814 is an anomalous phenomenon influencing multiple clusters within the Laniakea supercluster2.
SCP-5814 does not change physical laws in the affected region but affects the behavior of chemical reactions by altering the interaction strength between atoms and molecules, sharply decreasing the activation energy3 of different reactions involving electric charge, making systems that are thermodynamically unstable but dynamically stable reach the status of thermal equilibrium rapidly. Considering that non-equilibrium processes play essential roles in the sustaining of life, progression of SCP-5814 over time may cause a CC-Class "Collapse of Chemistry" scenario, with the result that carbon-based chemistry will no longer provide conditions suitable for life.
Although the potential destructive effects of SCP-5814 has never been directly observed, studies have revealed that SCP-5814 may have initiated several CC-Class Scenarios in the past, resulting in the current ecology of the universe. Based on observations, SCP-5814 currently has limited negative impacts on carbon-based biology, but its effect will be unignorable in the time scale of millions of years.
The effects of SCP-5814 within its range of influence are embodied by a specific medium, SCP-5814-A. SCP-5814-A behaves like an ideal gas physically and is speculated to be composed of a kind of previously unknown boson4. Particles that constitute SCP-5814-A are electrically neutral, but has a measurable electric susceptibility and behaves as a dielectric material in the presence of an electric field, manifesting an induced dipole5. SCP-5814-A can spatially penetrate all known solids, liquids, and gases, but its effects only manifest at atomic scales. For interactions at subatomic scales, SCP-5814-A will not cause any obvious effects.
SCP-5814-A's electric susceptibility anomalously increases over time. As SCP-5814-A can penetrate through all known forms of matter, changes in its electric susceptibility affect the polarity of nearby matter, increasing the macroscopic dielectric constant of causing polar materials. It is proven that the rate of change in electric susceptibility follows the ████████ equation. Based on theoretical computation, the current value of SCP-5814-A's electric susceptibility is ████.
Addendum I. The discovery of SCP-5814
In 1972, Foundation researcher Dr. Arnold Freking discovered a change in the measured speed of light in the air while reviewing earlier measurements of the speed of light. Though insignificant, the measured speed of light in air was found to have decreased in the past 100 years. This effect was shown to be more observable in water, in which the speed of light has decreased by ██.██% in the last 100 years. Observations of other physical constants, such as measurements of the rate of nuclear reactions, have shown that speed of light in vacuum has not changed. Analysis based on observations, Hubble's law6, and virial theorem7 has shown that an unknown medium is distributed across certain regions of the Laniakea Supercluster. This medium had a certain degree of electric susceptibility and increased the dielectric constant of polar substances such as water upon interaction.
Analysis based on observed values showed that under the effects of SCP-5814-A, the speed of light observed in different media over time follows the equation c=c0×(bF+kFt)-1/2, now called Freking's law. This result implies that SCP-5814-A causes the relative dielectric constant of matter to change linearly with time. Dr. Freking deemed such phenomenon enough to declare SCP-5814 an anomaly. He reported his observation result to the Physics and Mathematics Research Institution of the Foundation (SCP-PMRI), who then classified the phenomenon on ██/█/1980.
Addendum II. Extract SCP-5814 research report, submitted to the Overseer Council by PMRI (██/██/2000)

Under the effect of SCP-5814, the activation energy of some reactions will be significantly lowered, which allows the corresponding reactions to proceed at a relatively low temperature.

……By applying computational methods, we have proven that the cumulative impact of SCP-5814 has greatly changed the equilibrium pattern of chemical reactions within its region of effect in the Laniakea supercluster, especially reactions involving heavy elements and/or driven by electrostatic interactions.

The main observable effect of SCP-5814 is to increase the dielectric constant of solvents, which is largely deleterious to most biochemical reactions. An illustrative example of the anomaly's impact is the stability of all-silicon analogs of biochemical molecules in water. Despite the fact that silicon dioxide is more thermodynamically stable than aqueous solutions of silicon biochemical analogues at any time, 8 billion years ago, the precipitation of silicon dioxide from these molecules and water would require a significantly higher activation energy. As a result, they could exist stably in aqueous environments even at room temperature.

Via theoretical calculations, we determined that the chemistry of silicon 8 billion years ago may have been as diverse and stable as modern organic chemistry. It was possible to design a whole set of stable silicon-based life-forming molecules. We could compute silicon analogs of amino acids, sugars, and nucleotides. They are capable of aggregating and forming silicon-based life which is similar to modern carbon-based life.

As we know, as one of the most abundant substances in the universe, water would be the most appropriate solvent for life. If we keep pushing back in time, we may discover more varieties of life based on different chemistries. Phosphorus, sulfur, even metals. The tolerance of these systems towards water would be significantly increased, which would greatly increase the possibility of evolving life.

Based on such discoveries, we believe that we have already reached a conclusion about the potential hazards of SCP-5814. In the past 8 billion years, the dielectric constant of water has already increased significantly because of SCP-5814. SCP-5814 will lower the tolerance of certain compounds towards water, leading to rapid hydrolytic destruction8 of the potential life-forming molecules, and finally reach the inert state of thermodynamic equilibrium.

Doomsday, for us, is inevitable, like what silicon-based life went through billions of years ago. We will become the nitrogen, carbon dioxide and water in Earth's atmosphere, become part of this planet's natural environment, and hand the baton of life to the next kind of life form.

Mechanization or digitization of our bodies may perpetuate the existence of the human species for a short period of time, but these methods still rely on physical mediums, which we expect to be destroyed by water given that the effect of SCP-5814 strengthens as time passes. We now believe that these options will remain vulnerable to SCP-5814 and cannot be regarded as a solution.

We will meet the end of all life even without SCP-5814, but it will accelerate this process. Due to its properties, we currently hold the pessimistic view that we cannot contain the effects of SCP-5814, just as how we cannot resist the second law of thermodynamics.

Addendum III. Archaeological Exploration History in Greenland
In year 1986, giant groups of supracrustal rock pillars were discovered beneath the tundra in Greenland while quarrying. These rock pillars may be among the oldest landscapes on the Earth, estimated to have existed for over 3.8 billion years, but internally displaying excavation marks unexplainable by natural phenomena.
Site-██ acquired ownership of the land on █/█/1986 and cordoned off surrounding regions. Exhumations completed on █/█/1990.

Part of rock pillars in Greenland Region after completion of exhumation.

During 1991~2013, MTF-█-██ carried out multiple explorations of the area and revealed more clues about the previous effects of SCP-5814 on Earth. Some contents of the exploration activities are summarized in the extract of the related report shown below.

……These ancient rock pillars are quite unusual. They were very well preserved by the surface tundra, which allowed us to investigate structural details even after billions of years.

We have discovered complicated, intercrossing caves within these pillars, unexplainable by any known natural causes. These special cave-like structures may have specific functions in the past, such as an ancient city built by prehistoric civilizations.

The fourth operation has brought back a 2.4 mL sample of an unidentified amber-colored liquid and a cuboid sample of diamond containing regular etched patterns with stored information. The liquid was later identified to be polysiloxane compounds dissolved with low amounts of silicon-oxygen clusters, likely to be the remains of organisms based on silicon-oxygen chemistry.

Considering that the pillars were formed 3.8 billion years ago, it is unlikely that the structures were built by terrestrial carbon-based organisms. This point of time is earlier than the earliest carbon-based life. We can confirm that we have discovered direct evidence of form of life based on silicon-oxygen compounds, which is different from almost all known carbon-based organisms. This area may be ruins of a colony of these silicon-oxygen-based organisms.

A specimen of silicon-oxygen-based organisms discovered in the operation.

Direct evidence of life based on silicon-oxygen compounds was discovered in nearby sedimentary rock layers during the sixth exploration operation. Fossil-like fragments of a previously unknown organism were found, along with the existence of silicate particles encapsulating some catalytically-active cluster molecules, mainly composed of silicon and oxygen.
These particles were confirmed to be spore-like propagules of a silicon-based lifeform, which survives on silicate minerals. To cultivate these organisms, a solvent called dimethyl sulfoxide (DMSO) should be used to replace water. The relative dielectric constant of DMSO is 48, significantly lower than the value of water (around 80). The need for DMSO for this organism could be explained by the effect of SCP-5814, which has raised the dielectric constant of water.
Addendum IV. Extract from PMRI's report on the latest progress about the clay hypothesis9（█/█/2019）

Some hypotheses postulate that clay minerals have played essential roles in the formation of carbon-based life on Earth. There is already literature documenting that clay minerals can store energy from mechanical force and cosmic rays, and may enable the formation of primordial organic molecules with such energy.10. There have been recent multiple publications focusing on this hypothesis. Several pieces of evidence have supported the hypothesis that porous structures inside clay minerals may absorb carbon-containing molecules that can create life e.g. amino acids, allowing them to react in the clay hydrogel, resulting in important biomacromolecules.11

Recent results from internal research have also shown that the formation of carbon-based lifeforms is likely to be based within vesicles of clay minerals containing transition metal elements. The formation of such vesicles in a silicon-rich environment is not difficult. They raise carbon-based life, like alchemists' flasks raised homunculi.12

However, from alternative perspective, another possibility emerges. As fungi live on the nutrition in dead wood, could carbon-based organisms be born on the corpses of silicon-based life?

Recently, the team studying SCP-5814 has reported some notable discoveries. They analyzed ore samples collected in Greenland since 1991 and unexpectedly discovered some polysiloxane liquids within, which contain a high content of carbon, nitrogen, hydrogen, phosphorus, and silicon-oxygen clusters with unusually complex structures. In inorganic synthesis chemistry, such compounds are considered precursors to the synthesis of silicate minerals.

We have never discovered such compounds in nature previously, as according to current experimental results, such compounds should be unstable under the conditions for hydrothermal mineralization. But if we consider SCP-5814's effects, then we must conclude that such molecules belonged to the corpses of a lifeform based on a silicon-oxygen biology.

The silicates in the region have existed for about 3.7 billion years. The formation of silicates generally indicates the collapse of complex systems based on silicon-oxygen clusters; in other words, the domination of silicon-based lifeforms on Earth, if it ever happened, would have ended about 3.7 billion years ago. Modern biology hypothesizes that this is the time period when carbon-based lifeforms originated on the Earth.

Taking Freking's law into consideration, we determined that when the Earth was just formed, carbon-containing compounds were too inert to evolve life. But approximately 3.7 billion years ago, SCP-5814 made the chemistry of carbon close to the edge of being able to evolve life. Under those conditions, the formation of life would require assistance from some catalysts, such as the aforementioned clay.

Addendum V. Interpretation of information contained within recovered diamond

Microscopic observation of the internal pattern of the diamond sample. Colors observed in the photo were caused by interference of light between etched patterns.

During the 4th operation exploring the area in Greenland, a finely polished black moissanite13 sphere was discovered. Using center of gravity, it was determined that one side of the moissanite sphere was hollow and the other was solid. After breaking the sphere's hollow side, a cuboid sample of colorless diamond with dimensions 1.2 × 1.5 × 0.8 cm was recovered, with etched traces inside. The etching method for such patterns is currently unknown.
On █/██/2020, decryption work on information stored within diamond crystal was finished. The stored content was a quintuply mathematically encrypted radio wave signal, with a frequency of ██-██GHz. Excluding environment noise, a complicated periodic signal was be identified, speculated to be an analytic language; vocabulary was only partially translated. The wave record lasted for 17 minutes and 24 seconds.

(white noise)

[prehistoric]-[life]-[Laniakea Supercluster?]

[5]-[13]-[14]-[15]-[16]-[23,8]-[26,27,28,44,76]-[42,74,8]14-[████]-[life]-[civilization? culture? technology?]

[live? survive?]-[competition]-[planet? galaxy?]-[water]-[dependence]

(white noise)

[(possibly expressing relation between subjects)]-[war? conflict? anger?]-[extinction? collapse?]-[14]-[(expressing active voice)]-[SCP-5814-A?]-[weapon]-[release? generate?]

[water]-[deadly]-[hydrolysis?]-[oxidation]-[life]-[destroy? kill? stop?]

[release? generate?]-[control]-[(expressing negation)]

[extinction? collapse?]-[(expressing order)]-[████]-[13]-[5]-[26,27,28,44,76]-[23,8]-[16]-[15]-[42,74,8]

[aimless spatial movement?]-[(expressing negative emotion)]-[14]15-[throughout]-[Laniakea Supercluster?]-[numerous]-[planet? galaxy?]-[(expressing negative emotion)]-[SCP-5814-A?]-[avoid happening of a certain incident?]

(white noise)

[planet? galaxy?]-[other]-[14]-[machanilization?]-[body]-[oxidation]-[(expressing causality)]-[extinction? collapse?]

[planet? galaxy?]-[other]-[14]-[hydrolysis?]-[(expressing causality)]-[extinction? collapse?]

[corpse? remains?]-[14]-[hydrolysis?]-[(expressing causality)]-[body]-[formation]-[life]-[14,8]16-[(first person plural?)]

[evolving]-[life]-[14,8]-[civilization? culture? technology?]-[time scale expression]

[Earth's coordinates]-[(expressing a certain moment?)]-[14]-[arrive? reach?]-[SCP-5814-A?]-[arrive? reach?]

[(expressing a certain moment?)]-[extinction? collapse?]-[14]-[inevitable]

[hydrolysis?]-[corpse? remains?]-[14]-[mantle?]-[formation]

(white noise)

[(expressing a certain moment?)]-[extinction? collapse?]-[14,8]-[start]

[aimless spatial movement?]-[(expressing negative emotion)]-[14,8]-[throughout]-[Laniakea Supercluster?]-[numerous]-[planet? galaxy?]-[(expressing negative emotion)]-[SCP-5814-A?]-[avoid happening of a certain incident?]

[Earth's coordinates]-[(expressing a certain moment?)]-[14,8]-[arrive? reach?]

[(expressing a certain moment?)]-[(unidentifiable, speculated to be a noun)]-[hydrolysis?]-[death]-[individual]-[all]-[inevitable]

[future form expression?]-[extinction? collapse?]-[14,8]-[inevitable]-[corpse? remains?]-[14]-[earth crust?]-[formation]

[(expressing negative emotion)]-[information]-[record]

(white noise)

Footnotes
1. Common room temperature (25.00 °C; 77.00 °F) and atmospheric pressure.
2. The supercluster where the Milky Way is located.
3. The energy needed to initiate a chemical reaction. The energy of the reaction system will first increase to a maximum value (the "energy barrier") and then drop back to form the products with lower energy. The process is analogous to a climbing a mountain to reach a plain. The energy required to overcome the barrier is called activation energy.
4. A class of particles. The main features of these particles is that they have integer spin, and an infinite number of bosons can occupy the same quantum state.
5. Electric susceptibility is the strength of a material's electric polarization when an external electric field is applied. The dielectric constant is a physical quantity reflecting the strength of this response.
6. A law used to determine the velocity of galaxies.
7. A physical law describing the relation between potential energy and kinetic energy of a system. The existence of unobservable substances (such as dark matter) was postulated based on unusual values obtained by Hubble's law and virial theorem.
8. Collapse of molecular structure due to reacting with water.
9. A hypothesis about the origin of life. This theory proposes that the primitive form of cells is small bubbles in aluminosilicate clay minerals containing biomacromolecules. The clay minerals are capable of catalyzing the formation of these macromolecules and protecting them against hydrolytic decomposition.
10. Reference: Coyne, L. M., Lawless, J., Lahav, N., Sutton, S., & Sweeney, M. (1981). Clays as prebiotic photocatalysts. In Origin of life (pp. 115-124). Springer, Dordrecht.
11. Reference: Yang, D., Peng, S., Hartman, M. R., Gupton-Campolongo, T., Rice, E. J., Chang, A. K., … & Luo, D. (2013). Enhanced transcription and translation in clay hydrogel and implications for early life evolution. Scientific reports, 3, 3165.
12. Artificial human-like creatures in alchemical legends.
13. A type of hard mineral composed primarily of silicon carbide.
14. Spectulated to be atomic numbers of elements that constitutes backbones of the corresponding forms of life.
15. 14 is the atomic number of silicon.
16. 8 is the atomic number of oxygen.

« SCP-5813 | SCP-5814 | SCP-5815 »


Item#: 5816

Level2

Containment Class:
safe

Secondary Class:
none

Disruption Class:
dark

Risk Class:
caution

link to memo

SCP-5816-20 with anomalous features redacted. (hover to enlarge)

Special Containment Procedures: All copies of SCP-5816 are to be kept in a standard secured container at Site-19. Even when within said container, all instances of SCP-5816 are to have their eyes covered completely. SCP-5816 instances are not to be removed, nor are any edits to be made to the text present on said instances without approval from level 4 research personnel.
Description: SCP-5816 is the collective term for a collection of 25 identical anomalous World War One-era recruitment posters, henceforth referred to as SCP-5816-1 through 25. As of 2021, no further instances have been found. Each poster closely resembles the non-anomalous posters depicting Lord Horatio Herbert Kitchener1 that were famously used during the First World War. SCP-5816-1 through 25 were discovered in an abandoned print factory, kept in a single wooden crate. The only information that can be acquired about the origin of SCP-5816 comes from a telegram located at the discovery site.2
Of all subjects tested, 4% were completely immune to SCP-5816; the reason for this is unknown, and no link between those immune has been found. The remaining subjects triggered one of two anomalous effects.
The primary anomalous effect of SCP-5816 instances occurs whenever an individual3 who is of British nationality or from any former territories of the British Empire and is aged between 19-30 years of age looks into the eyes of the image of Lord Kitchener. Whenever this occurs, the subject will feel an overwhelming sense of nationalism and pride towards the United Kingdom. Furthermore, the subject will feel an immense desire to join the British military.
A secondary anomalous effect occurs when individuals who are not eligible to join the British military look into the eyes present on SCP-5816 instances.4 95% of experiments involving subjects who meet these criteria found those tested began to suffer feelings of immense sorrow and regret. The remaining 5% of those affected will attempt immediate suicide.5 This effect remains until the subject can self-terminate.
To date, the only known way to prevent the anomalous properties of SCP-5816 instances is to cover the eyes on each instance.
SCP-5816 instances are highly resistant to most forms of conventional damage; this is believed to be the cause behind the preservation of SCP-5816 instances in the decades before containment. Fire is capable of complete destruction of SCP-5816 instances.
Photographs of and photocopies of SCP-5816 instances possess the same properties as the originals, though artist impressions lack the same anomalous properties.
Addendum SCP-5816-A: Below is a digitized copy of the telegram recovered from the discovery site. It should be noted that it was heavily damaged when discovered; the displayed text is all that was readable.

Commission for more recruitment posters received STOP

Next shipment to be ready by Somme offensive STOP

Distribute them face down until [ILLEGIBLE]

Make no edits STOP

An investigation into the telegram's origin is currently ongoing.
Addendum SCP-5816-B: On 20th June 1978, Doctor Urien Beavin, head of research on SCP-5816, was given the authorisation to test the effects of editing the text on an instance of SCP-5816. As part of this test, Doctor Beavin had the word 'Britons' on SCP-5816-7 erased and replaced with 'Americans' before showing it to several American D-Class personnel. The effect was identical, save that this instance now worked on those of American nationality instead of British.
Following several more tests with different nationalities, Doctor Beavin replaced the nationality on SCP-5816-7 with the word 'D-Class' while also changing the main text below Lord Kitchener to read 'to cooperate with Foundation personnel.' 96% of all D-Class tested, who did not trigger the secondary anomalous effect, were highly cooperative with Foundation staff.

Access SCiPNET Email? Three (3) new messages!

SCP-5816 Proposal

To: Dr Gabriel Stanton, Ethics Committee
From: Doctor Urien Beavin
Subject: SCP-5816 Proposal

As you can see from our testing, SCP-5816 instances are an effective way to ensure cooperation on the part of D-Class personnel. Therefore, I am proposing we use SCP-5816 instances by placing altered instances in D-Class quarters across Foundation sites.
25th June 1978.

To: Doctor Urien Beavin
From: Dr Gabriel Stanton, Ethics Committee
Subject: Re:SCP-5816 Proposal

While the practical applications you propose are certainly tempting, Dr Beavin, we cannot allow this. Completely ignoring the prospect of D-Class personnel who are immune to SCP-5816 figuring out its properties and using it against us, this proposal is completely unethical. This has the potential to seriously alter the free will of D-Class personnel. I don't care if they're Jack the Ripper; we are not in the business of stripping away people's free will. If it were up to me, this proposal and all your previous misconduct would be declared major ethical violations, and I'd have you demoted. But if you would like to discuss this matter in person, please make an appointment with me for some time tomorrow.
27th June 1978.

To: Doctor Urien Beavin
From: Dr Gabriel Stanton, Ethics Committee
Subject: Re:Re:SCP-5816 Proposal

Objection revoked.
28th June 1978.

Footnotes
1. The British Secretary of State for War, from 1914 until he died in 1916.
2. See addendum SCP-5816-A
3. Henceforth referred to as the subject.
4. Please consult British Army recruitment standards for further information. Any eligible individuals are strongly advised to do your duty.
5. It should be noted these effects do not occur in those below the age range of British recruitment.

« SCP-5815 | SCP-5816 | SCP-5817 »


Item#: 5817

Level3

Containment Class:
keter

Secondary Class:
none

Disruption Class:
keneq

Risk Class:
notice

link to memo

Figure 1.1: A map retrieved from one of SCP-5817's websites, representing SCP-5817-1.

Special Containment Procedures: All internet services in a country affected by SCP-5817 are to be shut down until SCP-5817's websites are inaccessible. Automated programs are to monitor SCP-5817's activity by collecting all information in its pages and storing it in Site-68's computers. All remaining evidence of the existence of SCP-5817-1 is to be denied to the general public.
Description: SCP-5817 is a monthly phenomenon that affects all internet services in a country for roughly one minute. Attempts of accessing any website during SCP-5817 will redirect users to a counterpart that advertises a nonexistant country named Republic of Kingston, designated SCP-5817-1. According to these altered pages, SCP-5817-1:

Includes the territories of Jamaica, Haiti, Cuba, Dominican Republic and parts of Mexico and Guatemala.
Has large cultural and ethnic varieties.
Is a democratic republic with a president named Horace Rosencratz, a 71 year old male.
Has no documented cases of civilian violence in its territories.

Figure 1.2: A flag retrieved from one of SCP-5817's websites.

Discovery: SCP-5817 was first documented in March 15th of 2013, having taken place in Jamaica. The manifestation caused a collective hysteria due to being interpreted as a declaration of the independence of Kingston, the local capital city, made by a revolutionary group. While Jamaican authorities managed to pacify the population by stating the SCP-5817 event was "an inoffensive prank made by hackers", none of the affected sites showed any trace of hacking in their change logs.
While the Foundation would later intervene in police investigations, SCP-5817 wouldn't be officially classified until April 15th of the same year, when it took place in Panama. Dr. Ignatius has been assigned to study SCP-5817 since then.

Incident Report SCP-5817-A:
In December 15th of 2015, an SCP-5817 news website named Kingston Everyday announced that president Horace Rosencratz was considering to let a fleet of patrol boats watch the city of Nassau, Bahamas, after a flawed negotiation with the local Prime Minister. It was also mentioned that the Bahamas have been launching attacks against SCP-5817-1 territory for unknown reasons. Later that day, locals reported the presence of unmanned vessels with unidentified flags near the coastal zone of Nassau. The Foundation managed to retrieve one of the boats for study purposes. Perry Christie, Prime Minister of the Bahamas at the time, claimed to never have met anyone named Horace Rosencratz.
In January 15th of 2016, Kingston Everyday became accessible again and displayed the following headlines:
Kingstonian Patrol Boat Stolen!

Interview Log SCP-5817-B:
Interviewed: Subject-5817-B
Interviewer: Dr. Ignatius
Foreword: Subject-5817-B, a 71-year-old Caucasian male, was found in February 16th of 2016 in Cuba and taken to Site-68 to be interviewed. Comparisons showed that subject bears great resemblance to images of Horace Rosencratz extracted from SCP-5817's websites. No information about name and origin of the subject was found in any non-SCP-5817 database before the interview.

<Begin Log>
Dr. Ignatius: Alright, now that we are here, could you please tell me your name?
Subject-5817-B: My name? Well, you can call me Horace.
Dr. Ignatius: So, Mr. Horace, you don't seem to come from Cuba and-
Subject-5817-B: Cuba? Don't you mean the "Havana district"?
Dr. Ignatius: No, sir. I said Cuba
Subject-5817-B: Oh no no no, (laughs) Cuba isn't that dumpster you're talking about anymore, it's part of something bigger now: the Republic of Kingston.
Dr. Ignatius: I don't think I ever heard about a place like this really existing.
Subject-5817-B: Hm? How could you never have heard of Kingston?
Dr. Ignatius: The Kingston I know is the capital city of Jamaica, not a well known country. Could you please tell me about it?
Subject-5817-B: Well yes! Kingston is located in Central America and it's a paradise unlike any other place in the continent, with natural beauty, gorgeous cities and an efficient government, and I'm not saying this just because I'm the President. (laughs)
Dr. Ignatius: So you're the President of that "Republic" you're talking about. Well, then what have you done for your country so far?
Subject-5817-B: You see, I worry about other places of the world, about how they lack the features that make Kingston perfect. Right now, most of them are questionable, unlikable, some shouldn't even be countries to begin with! Take this place for example: great ambitions, insufficient resources, ones that only Kingston can efficiently provide. That's why I started the Kingstonian expansion project.
Dr. Ignatius: You were given information about us before?
Subject-5817-B: Well yes. There was a day where one of our patrol boats was stolen back in 2015, and the Kingstonian Intelligence Center manage to track it. According to them, the ship was inside this exact site, owned by some kind of Foundation. Since that day, they have researched information about you and how you study supposed anomalies, some really hard to keep under control. On the other hand, we have a powerful army and technology that would certainly make your most dangerous monsters look like little bunnies stuck in a cage. So, lets make a deal, shall we?
Dr. Ignatius: A deal?
Subject-5817-B: This place becomes our territory for scientific research and, in return, we shall help you with containment and structural improvements. What do you think?
Dr. Ignatius: I-I'm sorry, sir, but this isn't the purpose of the interview.
Subject-5817-B: Then I think I'm done with it for now. Is there any way to talk to whoever directs this (pauses) place?
Dr. Ignatius: I'm afraid this won't be possible.
Subject-5817-B: Well, then I guess there is no point discussing it right now. We'd be better off talking about this another day. In this case, could someone take me to the exit?
<End Log>

Closing Statement: After the interview, subject was taken to a humanoid containment cell in Site-68. All attempts at amnesticization of the entity were unsuccessful.

Incident Log SCP-5817-C:
Foreword: In the morning of March 15th of 2016, a camera documented two Foundation guards, who were responsible for watching Subject-5817-B slowly having their appearences changed while keeping the same outfit. The transformation took place during SCP-5817, which was affecting Site-68 at the time, and the affected guards removed Subject-5817-B from its cell after the event was over. Two minutes later, Dr. Ignatius, who was walking at a nearby corridor at the time, encountered the two guards and Subject-5817-B. A different camera managed to record the event.
Below is a transcript of the recorded content.

<Begin Log>
Dr. Ignatius is walking down a corridor when he meets the two guards and Subject-5817-B
Dr. Ignatius: W-what are you doing in here? Weren''t you supposed to keep the subject in the containment cell?
Guard 1: We have been ordered to take this subject to Dock-7 so it can be transferred to Site-██.
Dr. Ignatius: Transferring this subject is out of question at the moment, I still need some interviews with him to understand SCP-5817.
Guard 2: Earlier orders from the site directory stated that the transfer is a top priority.
Dr. Ignatius: I was at the site directory this morning and saw their schedules, there was nothing about transfer there. Now could you please tak-(pauses) have I ever seen you two before?
Guard 2: We're (inaudible), hired by the Foundation one year ago. Currently the only members of Site-68's security personnel to come from the Republic of Kingston.
Dr. Ignatius: Kingston? No no no no no, the Foundation never hired anyone from Kingston, I will call the real security perso-
Speaker: Attention all security personnel, Subject-5817-B is currently being transferred to Site-██. (inaudible) are responsible for transporting the subject and should not be interrupted during the process. Boat-23 has been deployed on Dock-7 for use by the transfer team.
Dr. Ignatius: What? B-but-
Guard 1: You heard the Site Director, now please step out of our way.
(Dr. Ignatius walks away while the guards continue to escort Subject-5817-B)
<End Log>

Closing Statement: After the incident, the two guards responsible for Subject-5817-B's transfer and Site-68's Director were interviewed. When questioned about their actions, the individuals stated that they "were men of Kingston and were simply doing what's right for their country". The Foundation managed to track the Boat-23, which was found docked in the city of Nassau.

NOTICE

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« SCP-5816 | SCP-5817 | SCP-5818 »


SCP-5818 - Frankenstein Burger King

mmmm
burger

Image Credits

▸ More by this Author ◂

{$comments2}

F.A.Q.

{$doesthisfixthebug}

by J Dune

Item#: 5818

Level2

Containment Class:
euclid

Secondary Class:
none

Disruption Class:
vlam

Risk Class:
caution

link to memo

Provisional Site-5818, located in Niagara Falls, Ontario

Assigned Site
Site Director
Research Head
Assigned Task Force

CAONNA Provisional Site-5818
M. Margaret Clarke
C. James Clive
NA

SCP-5818-1

Special Containment Procedures: Foundation webcrawler Beta-8 ("MODERN PROMETHEUS") is to monitor discussion forums and image boards for phrases associated with SCP-5818 and remove them upon discovery.
The locus of SCP-5818-related phenomena has been bought by the Foundation and converted to Provisional Site-5818, which will remain open to the public. Several Foundation agents with scores of at least 75 on the Kull memetic resistance scale have been implanted into the restaurant's internal structure, and are to monitor for SCP-5818 events.
Each SCP-5818 event is to be recorded and reviewed for any deviations in the established narrative. Following the completion of the event, all participants are to be amnesticized. Provisional Site-5818 is to remain closed until all remnants of the event are disposed of.
Deliberate triggering of an SCP-5818 event for research purposes is prohibited.
Description: SCP-5818 is a phenomenon occurring in a Burger King located in Niagara Falls, Ontario. This location bears 'Frankenstein' theming, as the restaurant is adjacent to a separate horror-themed tourist attraction. The instructions for triggering a SCP-5818 event, sourced from parawatch.net in April 2007, are listed below:

DontAsk 04/05/07 (Thu) 06:05:24 #1848131

>go to the frankenstein burger king in niagara falls
>ask for the frankenstein burger
>????
>PROFIT!!!

These instructions were disseminated across the discussion board over several weeks, but did not receive significant attention. Four SCP-5818 events occurred in the weeks following the original post, alerting the Foundation to the anomaly's presence.
When an individual follows the instructions above and asks for a 'Frankenstein burger', SCP-5818-1 will be produced. No item on the Burger King menu is or has been referred to as a 'Frankenstein burger'. Regardless, employees will not perceive the request as abnormal, and will complete the order.
SCP-5818-1 is a burger topped with two meat patties, bacon, ketchup, and cheese. SCP-5818-1 resembles Burger King's 'Double Bacon Cheese Burger' in appearance and composition. Testing has shown SCP-5818-1 to be otherwise identical to Burger King's 'Double Bacon Cheese Burger' in all aspects, sans the anomalous properties that manifest upon initial consumption.
When an individual begins consumption of SCP-5818-1, a hallucinatory memetic phenomenon designated as an SCP-5818 event will occur. SCP-5818 events follow a consistent, recurring narrative. All individuals present inside Provisional Site-5818 during an event will be transposed into various archetypes fitting the narrative, which resembles the basic themes, vernacular, and plot of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. For a transcript of an SCP-5818 event, refer to Addendum 5818.1.
Following the completion of an SCP-5818 event, individuals will return to a non-anomalous state of mind, possessing full recall and awareness of the events that had transpired.
Research has proven this phenomenon is limited to the Burger King location in Niagara Falls, Ontario.
Addendum 5818.1: SCP-5818 Narrative Transcript
The following account of an SCP-5818 event was transcribed by a Foundation agent with noted memetic resistance. This transcript is specifically derived from the 31st recorded SCP-5818 event, which occurred on 2008/06/29.

<BEGIN LOG>
A customer bites into SCP-5818-1. Seconds later, the customer screams and drops the burger on the table in front of them. The customer stands atop a chair and calls the restaurant to attention.
Customer: What foul countenance! Behold, set your eyes on this wretched abnormality, whose visage will torment me 'til my reunification with the Father. Behold and remain weary!
The customer gestures to SCP-5818-1. Bystanding customers begin to crowd the table to view SCP-5818-1, expressing cries of shock and distress. A customer faints.
Bystander: Such unnatural hue! Oh, to be belabored with a fiendish existence as this! Composed from both the slaughterhouse and the learning room, an abhorrent creation!
Customer: Am I to consume this vile concoction of parts as I am my brother's cow, or a mother's milk? Is our sustenance derived from the land, or from the laboratory?
Customers begin to perceive SCP-5818-1 as capable of speech. Dialogue is audible to those involved in an SCP-5818-1 event, and has remained consistent across accounts.
SCP-5818-1: Did I request thee, Maker, from my meat to mold me burger? Did I solicit thee from the kitchen to promote me?1
Bystander: Horror! Horror! It speaks as if it were man, but it is burger! It knows not of the existential diatribe it spews from its chemically enhanced mouth! Tell us, why hath you begat this wretch?
The crowd of bystanders begin to approach the customer, who removes themselves from the chair and begins walking backwards.
Customer: Hear me, it was not an abortion of my creation. Please! I beg you, look to Frankenstein, who wrought this beast with his own hands in his occult kitchen-sanctum!
The customer gestures to the register. The cook who prepared SCP-5818-1 walks out of the kitchen. Customers perceive the cook as harboring lacerations and stitches across their face and body. Their skin is perceived as an unnatural, green coloration, and as a whole resembles a typical depiction of the "Frankenstein's Monster" character.
SCP-5818-1: My accursed forefather! You who have given me life and misplaced hope, gave me witness to beauty and creation, while placing me in this devilishly tasty form! Do you not feel remorse for casting me into a world that wishes to see me consumed?
Cook: I fear no retribution, fallen angel! As the Titans created man, I have created burger! This is my purpose.
Customer: Look, your culprit! Impose your punishment and affix him to Caucasus, where his liver can be pecked. A fitting punishment for a man who tests God.
The bystanders approach the cook, and begin to physically restrain him.
Cook: I pursued knowledge, my burden is light. Like so many before me, do what you will. I will not show cowardice.
SCP-5818-1: How miserable is this comestible, juicy body. To be more than filthy meat! Satan revels in companionship, while I sit in silence and agony!
The bystanders force the cook into the kitchen, where they begin to tear the cook's limbs from their body. The limbs are then thrown into a broiler oven. The frenzy continues until the cook's body is small enough to fit in the broiler.
Customer: Frankenstein brought fate upon himself! Tragedy, or purification? The question is asked but there is no truth.
The oven is powered on, and the cook's body burns. The bystanders watch and revel in the cook's death.
Away from the kitchen, SCP-5818-1 continues its lament.
SCP-5818-1: If thou desired nurture over nutrition, perhaps I would not live in misery. Farewell, vengeful father. Farewell! I shall depart to the coldest regions of this wicked world, where I shall lay!
SCP-5818-1 disappears.
<END LOG>

Researcher's Note: Following the event, all witnesses and participants were amnesticized. Due to the loss of life involved in SCP-5818 events and noted lack of variation between them, further research of the phenomenon through deliberate triggering of an event has been discontinued. The present location of SCP-5818-1 instances is unknown.
-Dr. Clive, 2008/06/29

Footnotes
1. An abridged quote from John Milton's Paradise Lost.

« SCP-5817 | SCP-5818 | SCP-5819 »


Item #: SCP-5820
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: Operatives are to remain on alert for activity indicative of SCP-5820's modus operandi. Following the disruption of SCP-5820's California enterprise by Foundation personnel, it has become highly probable that SCP-5820 will attempt to continue its operations elsewhere. Business registries across the United States are to be monitored for any suggestion that SCP-5820 is attempting to re-establish itself.
Foundation algorithms monitoring telecommunications are primed to recognise calls which indicate that SCP-5820 is selecting new victims. Should this occur, operatives are directed to place the affected household under covert surveillance until the pre-arranged date, at which point a sting operation is to be enacted involving appropriate MTF personnel.

A suburban home undergoing an SCP-5820 event.

Description: SCP-5820 refers to Sneaky Buggers Humane Extermination, a California-registered pest control company linked to a number of anomalous incidents in the southern region of the state.
An SCP-5820 event typically begins with a cold call1 to a chosen target. Victims are informed that their home has been scouted and discovered to have a termite infestation requiring immediate fumigation. An estimated 83% of homeowners to date have accepted this request without suspicion.2
Appointments are scheduled within two working days of the initial call. As per SCP-5820's alleged policy, householders are strongly recommended to be present for the set-up process. SCP-5820 employees (designated hereafter as SCP-5820-1) will arrive at the job site in a 2006 Ford E-series commercial vehicle with Sneaky Buggers branding.
Instances of SCP-5820-1 are humanoids of indeterminate sex, clad in hooded mauve boiler suits and rebreathing equipment with tinted visors. A typical operation involves three instances of SCP-5820-1.
SCP-5820-1 do not announce their arrival, and generally reach the location fifteen minutes before the allotted time. A fumigation tent is rapidly erected around the designated structure, with immediate attention paid to covering doors and windows. As a result of this, occupants are not given a chance to vacate the building. Upon finishing the set-up operation, all instances of SCP-5820-1 will enter the structure. SCP-5820-1 typically re-emerge within one hour and begin to disassemble the tent.
Following an SCP-5820 operation, the affected building is left with severe to critical structural damage.3 Exploration of an affected dwelling's interior also reveals the total corrosion of non-osseous biological matter.4 In addition, paper currency and financial documents have been notably absent from all buildings investigated.
Before leaving a job site, SCP-5820-1 will stake a wooden advertising sign into the lawn. All signs recovered to date have carried the same slogan:

A few less parasites in your neighborhood!
- Sneaky Buggers Humane Extermination -

Interview Log:

Interviewed: Dwight and Nora Marlowe
Interviewer: Agent Aaron Bagley
Foreword: On 2020/05/23, the Marlowe residence in Pasadena was severely damaged following alleged fumigation by SCP-5820. Human remains were found inside the building, later confirmed as belonging to the Marlowes' 39 year-old cleaner, Anamaria Vasquez. Both Marlowes had travelled out of state shortly prior to the incident.
Agent Bagley posed as an Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) officer for this portion of the investigation.
<Begin Log>
[Removed extraneous preamble due to excessive hostility of the interviewees towards Agent Bagley]
Dwight Marlowe: Let me get one thing straight, okay? My gears are fucking grinding. This shouldn't have happened at all, let alone-
Nora Marlowe: On our vacation!
Agent Bagley: In all seriousness, Mrs. Marlowe, you shouldn't be on vacation right now. Which reminds me, ma'am - can you please take several steps back?5
Nora Marlowe exhales, irritated.
Agent Bagley: Thank you. Now, are you finally going to be civil with me?
Dwight Marlowe: Why? Why should we be civil with you, when they did that to my goddamned house? Look at it, buddy!
Agent Bagley: We can't help you if you're going to somehow insist this was our fault.
Dwight Marlowe: I'm not saying it's your fault… nobody said it was your fault. What I'd like if you understood is that you should be doing more to protect the likes of myself and my wife here. I saw on Rush Limbaugh that-
Agent Bagley: Sir, I don't know what you're talking about but I'm warning you to calm down. I've been working with the EPA for, oh, around a decade now, and this is the most extensive damage I've ever seen carried out by termi-
Dwight Marlowe: Antifa.
Agent Bagley: I'm sorry?
Dwight Marlowe: Let's just say I tick a lot of their boxes.
Agent Bagley: This is going to be your final warning. I would strongly suggest, Mr Marlowe, that you listen to me, an expert, instead of whoever it is on the television.
Dwight Marlowe: It's all expert-this, expert-that these days. Why should I expect you to know better than me, then? You're giving me all this shit about termites, but I'm telling you that there's people out there who think I'm an asshole, think my wife's an asshole, for no reason other than-
Agent Bagley: With all due, uh, respect, Mr and Mrs Marlowe… we've got a person deceased here. Anamaria Vasquez.
Nora Marlowe: Oh my-
Dwight Marlowe: Should have told me that before, then…
Agent Bagley: I was getting there, but… you know what? Let's try to take this with a little more nuance from now on. About Ms. Vasquez-
Dwight Marlowe: She was over to spray a little bit of Lysol around while we were gone.
Nora Marlowe: Well, that and see the pest control guys in.
Bagley adjusts his mask.
Agent Bagley: These pest controllers, "Sneaky Buggers"… you just accepted their word? Didn't give them a Google or anything first?
Dwight Marlowe: Buddy, I'm the managing director at a Forbes 500 firm. I know the sound of a legitimate business offer when I hear one.
Agent Bagley: The fact we're even having this conversation should strongly indicate otherwise.
Dwight Marlowe: The hell do you know about business?
Agent Bagley: Enough to know that you got fleeced, sir.
Dwight Marlowe: Fleeced? Well, if you're so sure they was termites that done this, at least those guys fucking tried. I don't buy a word that comes out of your "expert" mouth, buddy.
Agent Bagley: Okay, I think we're, ah, just about done here. I had more questions, but if you're not going to treat this with sincerity or respect then I'm afraid there's very little else I'm gonna be able to do for you.
Dwight Marlowe: You know, there is one thing. Call my fucking lawyer and insurance provider!
<End Log>

Incident Log 2020/06/05:

Foreword: Site-67 personnel received notice of an ongoing SCP-5820 event. A unit of MTF Epsilon-6 (“Village Idiots”) was dispatched, under the command of Agent Bagley.
09:23 - The team arrives at a subdivision of Irvine, CA, to find a residential home beneath a large tent.
09:25 - Verbal engagement via loudspeaker is attempted, though MTF Epsilon-6 receives no acknowledgement from any subjects within the building.
09:50 - No further attempts at communication have been successful. Agent Bagley authorizes a breach of the building. All personnel are equipped in full-body containment suits with breathing apparatus due to the potential risk of pesticide exposure.
09:52 - The team breaches the tent. Interference of unknown origin knocks out body-worn recording equipment for the remainder of the operation.6
09:56 - Witnesses report seeing Agent Bagley and his six operatives emerge from the tent. All are non-verbal, and follow Agent Bagley back to their vehicles.

10:14 - Radar indicates that the operatives have left the scene and are en route to Site-67, where a security detail is arranged to meet them. Communication attempts by facility control are ignored for the duration of the journey.

10:37 - MTF Epsilon-6 arrives back at the facility. Site security personnel are alarmed by Agent Bagley's failure to engage with entry instructions and a quarantine procedure is enacted within the facility's parking structure.
10:39 - A number of MTF Epsilon-6 operatives, including Agent Bagley, attempt to exit their vehicles against the orders of security personnel. Bagley is tackled by a Site-67 guard, dislodging his protective apparatus and releasing a large number of Cryptotermes brevis (drywood termite) specimens from within his empty tactical gear. The remaining “operatives” become aggressive, prompting authorization from facility command to open fire. Damage to the subjects' equipment reveals similarly empty suits, with the exception of Cryptotermes brevis in significant quantities.
10:40 - The groups of Cryptotermes brevis reconvene and begin to approach personnel in an amorphous mass. Personnel start to retreat from the parking structure.
10:41 - Facility guard Samson Gregory is overcome by Cryptotermes brevis. Fearing further contamination, other members of personnel close the garage fire doors before he can escape. Gregory is completely incapacitated by the insects entering his body through orificial means, and is then dragged into the center of the largest swarm.
10:43 - The swarm is brought under control with the use of flamethrowers, and surviving specimens are placed into appropriate faunal containment units. Note: Investigations into their suspected properties as a gestalt entity similar to SCP-5993 and SCP-5693 are ongoing.

The remainder of field operations regarding SCP-5820 have been handed to MTF Lambda-12 (“Pest Control”) and the Entomology Department.
Returning to the property in Irvine, operatives discovered that the fumigation tent had been removed by persons unknown. Inside the unstable frame of the building were the skeletal remains of nine individuals. They were genetically identified as Dwight and Nora Marlowe7, as well as Agent Bagley and his Epsilon-6 operatives.
Three SCP-5820-branded boiler suits were found discarded on the kitchen floor. In addition, the following message had been staked into the driveway:

fuck off narcs!
- p.s. apologies about ms. vasquez;
her martyrdom shall be revered in the class war.

Addendum:
Following the incidents in Irvine and at Site-67, personnel attempted to trace the vehicle associated with SCP-5820. It was ascertained that the van left California State Route 73 in the vicinity of Crystal Cove State Park due to its sudden absence from traffic camera footage. Investigation of the area revealed tire tracks leading three kilometers into the brush. At the end of the tracks, operatives discovered a termite mound four meters in diameter.
Probe equipment was deployed, revealing an extensive network of subterranean tunnels beneath the mound. The van was found within a central chamber, with a note affixed to the windshield.

Sorry – we've moved!
- Sneaky Buggers Humane Extermination -

A number of deceased termite specimens within the abandoned nest were then recovered for analysis. All specimens, in addition to those captured in the Site-67 assault, are understood to have been of the "pseudergate" caste - termites which perform the function of workers whilst retaining the potential for reproduction.
The presence of soldiers and monarchs within this particular colony has yet to be observed.

Footnotes
1. Using a randomized number.
2. Recorded examples of such calls contain traces of infrasound, which may indicate deliberate (if rudimentary) manipulation of human suggestibility.
3. Structural integrity depends heavily on the building's manner of construction; timber-framed buildings have been the most unstable of those observed.
4. Since first observation, SCP-5820 has been connected with thirty-three anomalous deaths.
5. Agent Bagley was following social distancing protocol implemented due to the COVID-19 pandemic.
6. Analysis of surviving footage has revealed traces of subsonic tones similar to those found in SCP-5820's cold calls.
7. Since the destruction of their Pasadena home, the Marlowes had been living at one of several properties under their ownership.

« SCP-5819 | SCP-5820 | SCP-5821 »


SCP-5821-1

Item #: SCP-5821
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-5821 is currently contained through the efforts of PTF-Lambda-27 ("Amazon Brigade") in preventing any individual from harming SCP-5821-1 in their efforts to neutralize, cook, and eat him. Members of PTF-Lambda-27 are to be rotated out periodically, so that they do not act upon SCP-5821-1 themselves.
Description: SCP-5821 is a persistent memetic effect throughout the human population of Earth that the flesh of Jeffrey Preston Bezos1 (henceforward SCP-5821-1) is the most desirable meat for human consumption. While all humans aside from SCP-5821-1 are subconsciously affected by the meme (and thus wish to consume SCP-5821-1's flesh), only a small number are aware of SCP-5821 to a degree where they will attempt to assassinate and subsequently cannibalize SCP-5821-1.
Memetic Degradation Analysis pinpoints the origin of this memetic property between April and August of 1997, and the meme has gradually increased in power over time, with more individuals becoming taken by the concept and acting upon it. SCP-5821-1 is aware of SCP-5821 and is cooperating with Foundation containment efforts.
Addendum 5821-1: Memo RE: Amazon Dissolution

Memorandum Regarding Recent Proposals for SCP-5821 Containment
Date: 2019/10/25

To: SCP-5821 Research Staff
From: O5-7
It has come to my attention that some alternate containment proposals have recently been discussed. I am saddened to inform you that, while your initiative in devising new and exciting methods of containment is commendable, the containment of SCP-5821 will not be subject to change for the foreseeable future.
The models predicting the total domination of the human psyche by SCP-5821 by 2050, while alarming, are still very new and consensus has not been reached by Foundation predictive divisions (I personally can tell you that some sources known to the O5 council suggest that the meme may perhaps be dissipating). As such, drastic, unproven measures such as Foundation seizure of the Amazon corporation or the dissolution of SCP-5821-1's assets simply cannot be justified, to say nothing of possible assassination!
To address a specific point of contention some of you brought up: while letting the subject of an anomaly weigh in on the methods and intricacies of its containment may be unorthodox, trust me when I say it's for the greater good. SCP-5821-1 understands intimately the difficulties the Foundation faces in containing the dangerous anomalies that threaten our world and has generously compensated us for resources used.
I understand fully that this may be difficult and confusing for you, and following the conclusion of my Caribbean yacht cruise I am willing to take the time to discuss this issue one-on-one with anyone who continues to take grievance with these actions.
Sincerely,
O5-7

Addendum 5821-2: Possible expansion in subjects affected by anomaly
Beginning on 2019/10/25, several members of the SCP-5821 Research Staff have exhibited a desire to consume O5-7. Research into this effect is currently ongoing.

Footnotes
1. Founder, CEO and President of Amazon.com, Inc.

« SCP-5820 | SCP-5821 | SCP-5822 »


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"A perfectly normal set of garden gnomes" by stoner99
I encourage you to read more of my works here:
https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/stoner99-author-page

SCP-5822 instance at Site-07

Item #: SCP-5822
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: The entrance to the cavern containing SCP-5822 has been sealed shut, and a minimum of two armed guards are to be stationed outside the area at all times. SCP-5822 instances that escape the containment perimeter are to be captured and brought to Site-07 for examination.
Description: SCP-5822 is the collective designation for SCP-5822-A and -B, two groups of sentient lawn gnomes that have formed settlements in a cavern near Edgerton, Wyoming.
All SCP-5822 instances observed to date have been identical in appearance, and it is not known why they have formed two distinct groups. Both SCP-5822-A and -B are believed to be at a level of advancement equivalent to the early Neolithic period, and instances have been observed coordinating to construct primitive shelters, engage in agricultural activity, and attack each other1.
SCP-5822-A and -B are in constant armed conflict with each other. The two factions have constructed clusters of shelters in different areas of the cave, but will occasionally meet in large groups and battle until one side has been forced to withdraw. The victorious faction will then take the ceramic fragments left from the battle and bring them back to their settlement. This cycle has repeated a total of 321 times since SCP-5822's discovery.
Addendum: History
SCP-5822 was discovered on July 8th, 2008, when local rancher and Edgerton resident David Hardy disappeared along with a large collection of lawn gnomes that he had kept in his backyard. The incident was widely believed to be a suicide, as Hardy's home had recently been foreclosed following a months long legal battle over claims the property violated local zoning laws.
Nonetheless, municipal law enforcement were contacted to perform a search, whereupon SCP-5822 was discovered in a nearby cave system. Foundation operatives embedded in the Wyoming State Police were soon alerted of the incident, shortly after which SCP-5822's current containment procedures were defined. Although several attempts were made to explore the cave system SCP-5822 inhabits, none could advance beyond the anomalies' vicinity, and the entrance was eventually sealed.
On August 2nd, 2009, arcane chanting was heard emanating from the cavern containing SCP-5822, becoming progressively louder and aggressive before abruptly ceasing. Following this, the concrete barrier used to seal SCP-5822's containment zone collapsed, and thousands of SCP-5822-A and -B instances began pouring out of the mouth of the cavern. The two security personnel on-site at the time were quickly overwhelmed, after which CCTV footage captured a large cloaked figure emerging from the cavern's entrance. Later identified as David Hardy2, the figure can be seen appearing to converse with several SCP-5822 instances before making a series of hand gestures and sprinting east into the nearby wilderness.
Three hours later, SCP-5822 reemerged from the woodland led by POI-278, who seemed to be directing the anomaly with a large stick. SCP-5822 then advanced throughout the city before stopping at the home of Jerrod Miller, the city's district attorney, where a confrontation ensued. The following is a transcript of the events thereafter:

[BEGIN LOG]

Hundreds of SCP-5822 instances descend upon the house, forcing entry before beginning to tear it apart, board by board. This awakens Miller.

Jerrod Miller: What… what the hell! Are those—

POI-278: SORRY, IS THIS A VIOLATION OF SECTION EIGHT HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-THREE DASH F OF DOCUMENT C OF THE FEDERAL CODE, YOU STUPID FUCKING BASTARD?!

Jerrod Miller: You're insane! I'm calling the pol—

SCP-5822 instances swarm and restrain Miller, placing a piece of duct tape onto his mouth before carrying him into a nearby patch of wilderness.

Jerrod Miller: (Muffled screams)

POI-278: Blah blah blah blah, shut up!

SCP-5822 continues to destroy the house for approximately ten minutes, eventually causing the structure to collapse completely. SCP-5822 then begins rapidly constructing a makeshift palanquin from debris, which POI-278 mounts.

POI-278: Onward!

SCP-5822 proceeds to carry the palanquin to another woodland, whilst chattering unintelligibly amongst themselves.

[END LOG]

Subsequent search efforts were unable to locate SCP-5822 or POI-278, and this is the last known sighting of either. Jerrod Miller was located alive with minimal injury in a field 3 miles from Edgerton, and amnesticized shortly thereafter. He was later told his home was destroyed in a gas explosion.
SCP-5822 is pending reclassification following further investigation and reassessment of this document.

Footnotes
1. How SCP-5822 has acquired the materials necessary for these activities is unknown, although instances have been observed occasionally striking the walls of the cavern with various tools in what is believed to be an attempt at mining.
2. Henceforth designated as POI-278.

« SCP-5821 | SCP-5822 | SCP-5823 »


LightlessLantern

Item No: SCP-5823
Containment Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: Access to SCP-5823 is to only be allowed during the brief period of inactivity per 24-hour-period. The existence of SCP-5823 is to be removed from the historical record with the assistance of the British Occult Service. Any changes in SCP-5823-1 activity are to be reported to the British Occult Service and Site-26 simultaneously.
All flesh produced by SCP-5823 is to be transported to Site-26 for genetic testing and subsequent incineration. Any coal produced is to be transported to coal-fired power stations, with its origin altered to a non-anomalous coal mine.
Following Incident-5823-29, all people who served as a Conservative Member of Parliament between 1981 and 1987 are to be monitored for potential anomalous activity.
Description: SCP-5823 is the former Penrith Dell coal mine located in Cumbria, England. SCP-5823-1 instances are 630 large, headless humanoid creatures partially embedded in the walls of the mine. These instances obey a strict 24 hour cycle, of which 23 hours are spent attempting to extract coal and 1 hour is spent in a state of inactivity. SCP-5823-1 instances are believed to have extracted coal through the use of large scythes fused with their forearms in place of hands. Due to the exhaustion of the coal seam, SCP-5823-1 instances use their scythes to carve large portions of their flesh from their bodies. The excised flesh is deposited on several conveyer belts and taken to the surface. The resulting wounds quickly heal over the course of 5 minutes.
History: SCP-5823 was originally built in 1947, quickly becoming the largest and most profitable mine owned by the Whitecliff Collieries Group. When Whitecliff Colliers declared bankruptcy in 1978, SCP-5823 was officially shut down. Despite this, SCP-5823 continued to output coal at a rate of 1.4 million tons per year. However, from 1983 onwards, the presence of human flesh in the outputted coal was noted. Recovered documents imply that though several power stations attempted to question SCP-5823 about this, all concerns were brushed off as "part of normal business operations".
Beginning in 1986, 90% of outputted material from SCP-5823 was human flesh. This was noted by auditors and reported to police, with control of the situation eventually being transferred to the British Occult Service. The initial findings of the British Occult Service were that the existence of SCP-5823 did not pose an extreme threat to the United Kingdom and, as such, was suitable to transfer to Foundation control under the Coronation Accords. Following Incident-5823-29, these findings have been reassessed and control of SCP-5823 is now split between the British Occult Service and the Foundation.
Incident-5823-29:
On 2003-07-15, former Conservative MP Michael Garness1 died. During his autopsy, it was noted that several of Garness' organs had been replaced with carved pieces of anthracite. Upon investigation by the British Occult Service, genetic testing of flesh produced by SCP-5823 was ordered. It was found that 3% of the flesh produced by SCP-5823 was a genetic match for Michael Garness. Further testing has found that all flesh produced by SCP-5823 is a genetic match for Conservative Members of Parliament between 1981 and 1987.

Footnotes
1. Secretary of State for Transport from 1982 to 1985.

« SCP-5822 | SCP-5823 | SCP-5824 »