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BY ORDER OF THE OVERSEER COUNCIL
The following file is Level 4/5353 classified. Unauthorized access is forbidden.

5353

Item #: SCP-5353
Level 4/5353

Object Class: Keter
Classified

Possible photograph of SCP-5353.

Special Containment Procedures: Encounters with SCP-5353 are to be reported to Agent Hester Maliz at Site 122. Any incidents involving SCP-5353 should be dealt with under Protocol Ajax-4, utilising the press, government contacts and tactical use of experimental amnestic drugs to preserve the Veil.
Description: SCP-5353 is a anomalous humanoid, first observed by the Foundation in Belgium in 1917. SCP-5353's name and purpose are unknown, and few solid details about his appearance are available; the only consistent facts are that he appears and identifies as male and that he always wears a white suit.
SCP-5353 has been sighted worldwide, and is believed to possess several contacts among the anomalous underground. He appears to have little interest in the Foundation and its activities, but has interacted in both a friendly and hostile manner depending on circumstances.
SCP-5353 has an unidentified link with PoI-000 "Nobody", and most sightings of SCP-5353 in recent decades have involved PoI-000 to some degree. The exact nature of their relationship is unknown, but it is evidently a hostile one, with several altercations between the two on record.
Update 17/05/1975: In the last two months, an unusual acceleration of SCP-5353 and PoI-000 incidents have been recorded in the Western United States. This has made the containment situation more unstable. Agent Hester Maliz, based on her highly successful record in containing SCPs ████ and ████, has been assigned to track down and apprehend SCP-5353, as well as PoI-000 if possible.
The following table is a summary of the aforementioned incidents:

Date
Location
Anomalies involved
Notes

16/03/1975
Pahrump, Nevada
PoI-000
A man described as a "hobo in old rags" reportedly held conversations with several local citizens, asking them if they knew of any shops selling war memorabilia. Only one person answered in the affirmative, and won $10,000 in the lottery the next day.

23/04/1975
Boise, Idaho
SCP-5353
A man in a white suit was spotted putting up identical leaflets in Boise's North End. Each leaflet bore anomalous text that cannot be perceived.

05/05/1975
Nevada City, California
SCP-5353
A man in a white suit was seen standing in woodland near the town by several individuals, smoking a cigarette. When questioned by locals, he stated that he was "waiting for a sign". Three days afterwards, a large wildfire abruptly began in the forest.

12/05/1975
Del Muerto, Navajo Reservation, Arizona
PoI-000
Figure "in rags, with an indistinct face" seen visiting the houses of several widows over the course of the day. One week later, all these women abruptly travelled at the same time to several different towns in southern Nevada. All of them made a call at a payphone to an unknown number, each stating "no-one is home", before returning. None of them can recall doing so.

Update 01/06/1975: On 26th May, Agent Maliz was able to track and attempted to apprehend the anomaly. A log of her efforts can be found below.

+Incident Log 5353-1

-Incident Log 5353-1

Date: 26/06/1975
Location: Paulina Lake, Oregon
Agent Maliz is standing on a wooded slope near the edge of the lake. It is late afternoon. A small beach next to the lake is up ahead; SCP-5353 can be seen sitting on it, smoking a cigarette. Maliz approaches slowly.Maliz stops.
Maliz: How the hell did you hear me? I barely made a sound.Maliz: Well, you've got the drop on me now. There's no point in trying to arrest an ageless dandy without the element of surprise. Long experience has taught me that you cryptic types always have something irritatingly relevant up your sleeve.Maliz: They know my methods. They work. You wait for the right moment, and if you don't have the right moment, you don't make your play. It's called “a modicum of caution”.
SCP-5353 chuckles.Maliz: How'd you know?Maliz: Quite easily. They're a pack of walking clichés.
Maliz sits down beside SCP-5353, facing the lake. She pulls out a cigarette.
Maliz: Got a light?SCP-5353 lights Maliz's cigarette.
Maliz: You are right. It is beautiful here.Maliz: No. I'm not from here.Maliz: This is a caldera, isn't it?The two sit in silence for a while.Maliz: I'm working my way there. My schedule today is pretty thin beyond “Contain SCP-5353”, and that's been blown. It's such a pretty day.Maliz: Aren't I just? I'm beginning to think this meeting wasn't a result of my impeccable talent as a tracker, but because you wanted me to find you.Maliz: So that you could engineer a situation where you and I have a civil conversation, and you convince me to do your dark bidding. It's happened before.Maliz: The darkest ones often are.Maliz: Thank you.Maliz: And you don't? We've been tracking you a long time. The list of crimes you're linked with is huge.Maliz: Because life could be better. We can take it somewhere else, strip away the dark and let the people flourish as they're meant to. The Foundation could be a force for good, for liberation, for a bright new world. Or something like that, anyway.Maliz: PoI-000?Maliz: I got the impression you guys mostly just punched each other.Maliz: Well, you would say that.Maliz: Very poetic. But people are more than just names.Maliz: Can't say I have.Maliz: So let me guess. You lured me here to convince me that you are actually a brave hero, fighting an impossible war against Nobody, and that I and my good comrades should bring him to justice?There is a pause; Agent Maliz looks around the lake.
Maliz: It is beautiful. But what does that have to do with anything?Maliz: Still not getting it.Maliz: I mean. They're still dead.Maliz: What are the two of you even doing, anyway? Driving around, upsetting local widows, posting up fliers? Not your usual style.Maliz: Oh, very cryptic.SCP-5353 stands up.
Maliz: Leaving so soon? You were just about to get interesting. I think.SCP-5353 walks away. Agent Maliz looks out over the lake for a couple of minutes before leaving.
<End Log>

Update 06/08/1975: The following is a log of activities involving PoI-000 and SCP-5353 since Incident 5353-1:

Date
Location
Anomalies involved
Notes

16/06/1975
Detroit, Michigan
PoI-000
A large factory explosion was linked back to PoI-000, who had been spotted conversing with the perpetrators some days before. Subsequent records revealed that the German-born owner of the factory was a wanted war criminal who had fled to America under a false passport.

21/07/1975
Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin
SCP-5353
A unidentified man in a white suit was seen in conversation with several local officials. The following day, a major bribery and corruption scandal involving these officials was exposed, causing a political crisis and major protests in Chippewa Falls.

28/07/1975
Natchez, Mississippi
PoI-000
Several anomalous symbols were painted by associates of PoI-000 on the ground at key intersections. Each of these contained an infohazardous effect which rendered them unable to be perceived, but instead induced a severe manic and depressive effect. Several individuals suffered mental breakdowns and were hospitalised following this incident.

Update 17/09/1975
On 15/09/1975, Agent Maliz managed to track down PoI-000 and engage the subject in a brief conversation. A log of this can be found below.

+Incident Log 5353-2

-Incident Log 5353-2

Date: 15/09/1975
Location: Bluefield, West Virginia
<Begin Log>
It is night. Agent Maliz is walking down an alleyway on the city's outskirts. Distant police sirens can be heard. An indistinct figure is leaning against the wall, and looks up as Maliz passes.
Figure: Got a light?
Maliz stops suddenly and looks at the figure.
Maliz: Hey, that's my line.
The figure chuckles and holds out a cigarette. Maliz takes out a lighter and lights his cigarette, revealing him to be PoI-000 “Nobody”.
PoI-000: It's been a long time, Hester. What was it – Prague, '67?
Maliz: '68. You'd have thought you'd remember that year. Quite a lot happened.
PoI-000: To you, maybe. To me, it was just another inevitability.
Maliz: So, how'll this go, then? You give me a bit of a spiel about why no, actually, you're the good one all along, and I should join you to help bring the Man in White down?
PoI-000: No. No, girl, that's not how this story is going to go. We're not having a cutesy little conversation about our respective philosophies and come to some interesting conclusions. I've been on the road for days, weeks, surviving on cigarette butts and pennies thrown at my face. No, this is me telling you to stop following me – us – and you listening.
During this speech, Agent Maliz moves her hand to rest on her firearm.
Maliz: This must be that famous Nobody charm I've heard so much about. Maybe the Man in White was right about you.
PoI-000: The Man in White has never done a day's work in his damn life. He thinks this is a game, a chessboard. He thinks we should all sit down a couple of times a day to contemplate the infinite. He saunters around on his dime-store humanism and presumes to tell the rest of us how to live our lives.
Maliz: I seem to have touched a nerve. I didn't know you had any left.
PoI-000: Do you even know what he is? The cosmic rag and bone man? What he's made of? Took me a long time to work it out. Took the last version of me even longer. His hatred of me has nothing to do with principle. It's all ego, personal ego. That's almost literally what he is.
Maliz: Spare me the sermon. Why shouldn't I follow you? I have a job to do, the same as you.
PoI-000: And I say again, this is not what we're doing here.
The lights in the neighbouring streets all switch off. Agent Maliz gently levers her firearm out of her holster, but doesn't train it on PoI-000.
PoI-000: Do you want me to play the correct part, Hester? The cosmic tramp, stick and moustache and silent song-and-dance? The mad prophet, wandering the roads of America, scaring the locals?
Maliz: Very spooky. Why don't you come a little closer, and we can test my theory about your nerves?
PoI-000: There are people choking every damn day of their lives in coal mines, dreaming of the sun. There are people starving over sunbaked plains, waiting for their lives to end. I walk through those who are maimed, starved, beaten and bruised, because nobody else will. I do what I have to do to keep this broken world running so that someone, anyone, can have a lick of a chance at life. You know I found him in a Klan outfit once?
Maliz: What? The Man?
PoI-000: Yeah. Five years ago, in fucking Ohio of all places. I asked him about it, a while later. He claimed he was “trying it on” and that he was “interested in the history”. I think he took the name “Man in White” a shade too literally.
Maliz: Fascinating. Do go on.
Agent Maliz slowly raises her firearm until it is pointing at PoI-000. PoI-000 laughs.
PoI-000: How's Tyler doing these days?
Agent Maliz freezes.
Maliz: Don't you fucking dare.
PoI-000: He must be, what – four? Five?
Maliz: If you even think –
PoI-000: And I hear you've enrolled him in the Foundation's Young Achievers programme. Fascinating. Do you know why I so rarely help you? Because you're all the kind of people who put their children into fascist brainwashing camps when they're barely infants. Do you really want your son to have the same life you've had?
Maliz: He is none of your business.
PoI-000: No, he's not. It's just an observation. I can see the Foundation. I can see what you are. All that energy, all those rules – not real rules, but invented ones. I can see where you're going, too. More research. More militarisation. Fewer compromises. Handshakes with politicians and cocktail parties in Baghdad. And a machine - a frightful machine, an inevitable machine, that someone will have to make and the Foundation will have to have. A machine that will cement their empire. Will Tyler thank you?
Agent Maliz fires; she misses. PoI-000 lunges towards her, grabbing the gun and violently biting her arm. Maliz screams and drops her firearm.
PoI-000: Clever girl.
Maliz: You… fucking…
PoI-000: It has. You can't take me in, and I don't want to hurt you. So leave me alone.
Maliz: …Never.
PoI-000 lifts his hands in apparent frustration.
PoI-000: Fine. Whatever. Go digging where you shouldn't. You won't win. Like I said, that isn't how this story goes. The plucky detective doesn't get her easy resolution. There's an old friend I'm looking for, and if I don't get to him before the Man in White, he'll give him an offer he can't refuse and make the next few decades a real pain in my ass. So necessary measures must be taken. This is bigger than you. All you'll get is what's left over.
PoI-000 stubs his cigarette on the wall, turns and starts walking away.
PoI-000: Be seeing you.
Maliz: Wait.
Agent Maliz leans against the wall on her good arm, steadying her breathing. PoI-000 continues to walk away.
Maliz: Wait, you fuck. One more thing. Have you ever heard of somone named Fritz Obermayer?
PoI-000 turns back and grins. Agent Maliz's blood is visible on his teeth.
PoI-000: Oh yes. Yes, I have.
<End Log>

Update 03/10/1975: The following is a log of activities involving PoI-000 and SCP-5353 since Incident 5353-2:

Date
Location
Anomalies involved
Notes

23/09/1975
Cut Bank, Montana
SCP-5353
Anomaly was spotted conversing with PoI-6236 "Old Mag", a former resident of the Three Portlands who was renowned for her fortune-telling abilities. SCP-5353 asked an unknown question, which PoI-6236 responded by shouting "It will bleed their names! It will strip their souls!" repeatedly. SCP-5353 then shot her twice in the stomach and departed; PoI-6326 subsequently expired.

01/10/1975
Fargo, North Dakota
PoI-000
PoI-000 incited a riot in several suburbs of Fargo, resulting in 3 deaths and at least 20 injured. Several items appeared to have been stolen from government buildings during the riot, including census data and a list of German-language translators used last year in an investment in local government projects by a German company.

Final Update 12/05/1976: On 05/10/1975, a major incident involving PoI-000 and SCP-5353 took place in Pierre, South Dakota. An altercation between the two was reported to have taken place outside and in an empty apartment. Witnesses reported seeing a homeless man running from the scene, as well as a man in a white suit walking with a heavy limp and bleeding profusely. One witness reported seeing a man in a long coat fall from a window, but no body was recovered matching this description.
The apartment in question was reported to have been empty since 1955. Inside, however, were signs of recent habitation, including an extensive collection of WW2 memorabilia, several bottles of whisky, books in German and files on Nazi war criminals. A note was also found, written in somewhat old-fashioned German; a transcript can be found below.

+Document 5353-1

-Document 5353-1

This body has to remember. Somebody has to remember. So, this page can remember.
Once, there was a boy named Fritz Obermayer. You will not find his name in any records. Fritz Obermayer never died, but ceased to exist in 1917. He met a man in the trenches, an American from across No Man's Land, and then his body was no longer his own. It belonged to Nobody.
Then there was a man called Nobody, who strode across Europe for almost 40 years, always concerned with the task at hand. No-one noticed him, but they would still shudder at the sight of a long coat. The body, the mind, the personality within did not mind being bent to a single will, because he was cold and lost and alone in the trenches and never wanted to go back. There was no dread and boredom and more. No more contemplation. Just action.
Then Nobody moved on, and another man lost his name. But the body that had once belonged to Fritz Obermayer remained, and it was nothing. It had no identity. It had no personhood. No-one could call it by any name. No-one knew it was even there.
All it had ever been was a function. A soldier, then a fist. Then nothing. It had been warned about this by a man in white, but it hadn't listened. It still wasn't convinced that the man had been right.
The nothing lived for many more years. There were no easy answers. It never knew what it could have been. It ate, and aged, and gnawed its own head at night. Then it saw two men outside its window and that was the end of that.
The world is not a ruin to be admired and exalted. But the world also does not exist to be subordinated to a single will. It exists because it does, endless narratives after narratives that pick each other apart. There is no meaning. There is no identity. There is only the endless, dragging, all-consuming wholeness of existence.
Who would Fritz Obermayer have been? His identity, his name, his very way of being, they became a shade. A ghost that moved through the world, a memory that was never spoken. Until it was bought up by someone who only existed through scraps. A figure who was nothing, and yet so many things. A rag and bone man, who only was because of what people left behind.
There is no good. There is no evil.

The Man Who Wasn't There

The Man In The White Suit

Hub
Hello, My Name Isn't
Chiaroscuro
Nobody, Nobody, Nobody, and Nobody's Encounters with The Man in the White Suit
→ SCP-5353 -- Does Anyone Remember Fritz Obermeyer? ←
Everyday Is Somebody's Birthday
SCP-5877 -- Nobodies
Ghosts in the Machine
Files intercepted from Anderson Systems personnel
SCP-5375 -- Nobody and the Name Machine
Epilogue:
Nobody in Their Right Mind

« SCP-5352 | SCP-5353 | SCP-5354 »


Item #: SCP-5354
Object Class: Safe Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: As of November 2018, SCP-5354 remains closed to the public. Regular updates are to be released regarding the instability of the area and social media is to be monitored for new mentions of SCP-5354. A boundary fence is in place around the site, warning signs are situated on associated footpaths and an on-foot patrol is in place to prevent further civilian incidents.

Show Archived Containment Procedures

Please note: The archived containment procedures shown below are for reference purposes only.

[Updated on 12/11/2018] SCP-5354 is to be remotely monitored for increases in civilian activity or changes to individual visiting patterns. Should civilians attempt to inhabit the site, they are to be dispersed and peacefully discouraged from returning. Use of amnestics has been authorised as necessary.
Given the low-risk nature of SCP-5354, and to avoid drawing unnecessary attention to the site, a physical perimeter boundary is not to be established.1

Description: SCP-5354 is the site of Caer Bran Hill Fort on the Penwith Peninsula in Cornwall. Any individual who crosses the outer boundary2 will become unable to experience anger, sadness, or produce tears. This effect continues until the affected individual exits SCP-5354.
Given SCP-5354's folkloric reputation as a refuge from evil spirits, it is likely that these anomalous effects have been active for several centuries.
Addendum 1: SCP-5354 Initial Incident Report
On 7th January 2016, West Cornwall emergency services received a call from a Mrs. Temple-Stewart requesting assistance for a non-responsive female at SCP-5354. This female was later identified as Ms. Anna Worthing. Complaints previously lodged with the local council3 indicate that Ms. Worthing had been residing at SCP-5354 for several months.

SCP-5354

Initial Incident Report: SCP-5354
Field Agent Matthew Thomas
Date: 12/01/2016

07/01/2016, 07:46 - West Cornwall emergency services dispatch first responders to SCP-5354.
07/01/2016, 07:53 - First responders arrive at SCP-5354. Ms. Worthing is stabilised and transported to West Cornwall Hospital for further treatment.
07/01/2016, 11:30 - Ms. Worthing is admitted to West Cornwall Hospital. Records indicate that Ms. Worthing is suffering from the effects of prolonged exposure to the elements and keratoconjunctivitis sicca.4
10/01/2016, 08:50 - Ms. Worthing self-discharges during morning rounds.
10/01/2016, 12:30 - Field Agent Thomas5 becomes aware that Ms. Worthing has self-discharged.
10/01/2016, 1236 - Due to growing concerns that Ms. Worthing might be under the influence of a compulsion-causing anomaly,6 efforts are made to pinpoint Ms. Worthing's location.
10/01/2016, 13:35 - After a brief search, Ms. Worthing is located at SCP-5354. Ms. Worthing is fully compliant with initial efforts to remove her from the site but becomes significantly more resistant upon reaching the outer boundary.
10/01/2016, 13:45 - Ms. Worthing is detained for questioning. The area surrounding SCP-5354 is temporarily secured.

SCP-5354

Interview SCP-5354-AW1
Interviewed: Ms. Anna Worthing
Interviewer: Dr. Kerry Young
Date: 18/01/2016

Note Whilst Ms. Worthing was originally taken into Foundation custody on 10/01/2016, she refused to respond to questioning for a period of eight days except to express her desire to return to SCP-5354.

[BEGIN LOG]

[Ms. Worthing's eyes are closed. She wraps her arms around her body, then lowers her chin towards her chest.]
Dr. Young: Ms. Worthing, we'd like to ask you a few questions about -
Ms. Worthing: And then you'll let me go back?
Dr. Young: We won't stop you.
[Ms. Worthing inhales, then exhales slowly. She nods.]
Dr. Young: Okay. Can you tell us why you've been camping on the Peninsula? Did something happen to -
[Ms. Worthing raises her head.]
Ms. Worthing: What's wrong with me. That's what you really want to ask, isn't it? What kind of fuckup drops everything to go and camp out in the middle of nowhere? What kind of fucking -
Dr. Young: No, we just -
Ms. Worthing: You wouldn't get it even if I told you. Someone like you could never understand what it's like to be such a fuck-up that even your parents can't stand the sight of you. I - I just want to be left alone. By you. By them. By -
[Ms. Worthing pauses for a moment. When she speaks again, her voice is quieter.]
We had a fight that day - my Dad and me. I'd had another shitty day at work, and… It's like he can never leave it alone. "Why can't you work in the bank like Carol's boy? You're never going to get your own place." Before I even took my shoes off, he's at me about how I'm ruining their retirement, and I - I couldn't stay there. I couldn't. I just needed to get away for a while, okay? I needed a break from his bullshit. From all of it. It's too much to -
[Ms. Worthing pauses and presses both hands to her face. When she removes her hands, her cheeks are wet.]
Everyone says the view from the Caer is special. On a clear day, you can see for miles. The world looks… better. I just went up there to clear my head. Standing there, watching the way the ocean moved. I felt… light. I could sit looking out to sea for hours and not worry about a thing.
It was one night, at first. Just a break from all the yelling and judgement. The being compared to other people's kids. Never being good enough. One night and then… I don't know. The longer I stayed, the less I had to go back to. And the less I wanted to go back to it. My phone got cut off. I guess I lost my job, and -
Please. I don't want to be here. I can't deal with -
Dr. Young: Thank you, Ms. Worthing.

[END LOG]

Note: Ms. Worthing has been amneticised and returned to her home in Sancreed, Cornwall. She is expected to recover fully from her physical symptoms.
Addendum 2: SCP-5354 Incident 2
Between May and September 2018, on-site team members reported a gradual increase in both overall civilian site traffic and mid-length7 visits. A review of containment procedures was brought forward to early October, but given the typical seasonal fluctuations in visit patterns, it was decided that no immediate action was required.
On October 28th, SCP-5354 was visited by self-proclaimed wellness coach Maxwell Finch. Mr. Finch reportedly remained at the site for three hours, taking multiple photos before ultimately returning to his vehicle.
At 09.38 on October 29th, an image of SCP-5354 was posted to Mr. Finch's Instagram page with the caption "I found tranquility here in Caer Bran - you too can rediscover yourself by welcoming nature into your life!" and a link to Mr. Finch's website. The image quickly amassed several thousand likes and comments from Mr. Finch's followers.
Over the course of the next week, SCP-5354 experienced an exponential increase in foot traffic, culminating in an attempt to establish a small on-site camp on the weekend of November 10-11th. Footpaths leading to the site sustained significant damage and car parks along a five-mile stretch of the peninsula were reported to be overflowing. On-site teams quickly acted to clear and close the site. Warnings were posted both along the trail and in local media claiming that subsidence associated with the underlying archaeology had made the area unsafe. A patrol was established to turn away new visitors, and any individuals who continued to seek access to the site were administered amnestics.

Footnotes
1. Subject to regular review.
2. As delineated by the Iron Age rampart and ditch.
3. Including one made by Mrs. Temple-Stewart.
4. Chronic eye dryness.
5. Working as a ward nurse within the hospital at the time of the incident.
6. Testing has since indicated that SCP-5354 does not have an anomalously compulsive effect.
7. Defined for recording purposes as visits lasting between two and twenty-four hours.

« SCP-5353 | SCP-5354 | SCP-5355 »


▸ More by this Author ◂

{$comments2}

F.A.Q.

{$doesthisfixthebug}

SCP-5355, in an inactive state.

WARNING!
The following file needs to be updated with latest test results in the following sections;
Description
Proceed with caution.

Item Number: 5355
Object Class/Clearance: Safe/Two
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-5355 is to be contained in an anomalous items locker. Under no circumstance is SCP-5355 to be tested.
Description: SCP-5355 refers to a toy "ray-gun", made of plastic and an unknown metal alloy. "The Fantastic Shrinkerator" is crudely written in large block letters with flaking gold paint on its left side. SCP-5355's design is similar to the retrofuturistic style, specifically dieselpunk or steampunk. A series of dials is on its right side. An unknown red liquid can be seen flowing through vials in the gun, appearing to serve a decorative purpose. The creator, charging functionality, and method of power storage of SCP-5355 are all currently unknown.
SCP-5355 has no trigger, and can be operated via cranking a small crank on the back of its barrel. After approximately 30 seconds of cranking, SCP-5355 will whir and discharge a thin, bright green beam of concentrated photonic energy from its tip, while outputting a large amount of smoke. SCP-5355 will then cool down for 1 minute before another beam can be discharged. Dependent on what setting its dials are placed at, it is theorized that this beam has a variety of effects.

Shrink
Enlarge
Return

The beam will decrease the dimensions of an object by an unknown constant.
The beam will increase the dimensions of an object by an unknown constant.
The effects of previous firings of SCP-5355 will be reverted.

Attached is a log of the single occasion of testing of SCP-5355.

Addenda - Testing Log

Testing Personnel: Researcher Pastore, Jr. Researcher Remington.
Procedure: Fire on a series of objects set up in Site-28's firing range with each setting of SCP-5355, before reverting its effects with the "Return" setting.
<BEGIN LOG>
[Jr. Researcher Remington returns from the firing range's target area. Researcher Pastore has SCP-5355 in hand, and is currently scratching his beard. As J.R. Remington enters, Res. Pastore nods, speaking firmly.]
Pastore: Are the objects ready?
[J.R. Remington nods quickly.]
Remington: Yep! All lined out over there for you.
[Res. Pastore smiles.]
Pastore: Thank you, Jeremy. Alright, which is first?
Remington: Try the wet wipe. Biggest surface area to hit, I think.
Pastore: Good idea.
[Res. Pastore turns the dial, and begins cranking while aiming at a wet wipe hung on a clothesline on the opposite side of the firing range.]
Pastore: Alright, set to "Shrink." And… firing.
[SCP-5355 fires. The wipe shrinks to approximately half its previous size.]
Remington: Huh. Neat. [J.R. Remington sighs.] All things considered, this is a nice change of pace.
Pastore: Don't let your chickens out of the coop preemptively, Remington.
Remington: Fine. Next is enlarge?
Pastore: [nodding] Yep. [Res. Pastore adjusts the dial to "Enlarge."]
Remington: Well, we wait now. Thing's gotta cool down.
[J.R. Remington and Res. Pastore stand around, not talking. Res. Pastore coughs.]
Remington: So uh, how're the kids?
Pastore: I don't have kids, Jeremy.
Remington: Sorry.
[J.R. Remington sighs.]
Pastore: Y'know, how's your mom?
Remington: She's fine.
Pastore: She recognize you last time you saw her? I know that stuff can be hard.
Remington: Yeah. I can't guarantee when she won't, though. It sucks, Charles. Haven't let me in cause of that nasty cold I had.
[Res. Pastore nods. SCP-5355 lets out a quiet ding. J.R. Remington sighs in relief, and sneezes once.]
Pastore: Alright, again. [Pastore fires SCP-5355. The wipe enlarges to 2 times its original size, falling off of its clips. Remington heads to place it back on its clips.]
Remington: Got it, got it.
Pastore: Thanks.
[Pastore sets the dial to "Return," and cranks SCP-5355. Upon firing, it appears to have no effect.]
Pastore: Huh.
Remington: You're sure it was all the way cooled down?
Pastore: I heard the ding and everything, Jeremy. I'm old, but not that old.
Remington: Fair. Try "Shrink?"
Pastore: Sure. [The dial is cranked, and SCP-5355 is fired. There is no effect.]
Remington: What the fuck?
Pastore: My thoughts exactly. Let's try "Enlarge."
[Res. Pastore cranks the dial and waits for the cooldown timer to finish, as Remington sits deep in thought. As soon as the ding is audible, Res. Pastore fires. J.R. Remington knocks the ray out of Res. Pastore's hand, and pulls him towards the door.]
Remington: Wait —
[Two large creatures spontaneously appear near the wet wipe. One appears similar to a large tardigrade, while the other is vaguely phagic in appearance. Both begin to crawl towards Res. Pastore and J.R. Remington, making deep and low moans.]
Remington: Shoot it! Shoot the damn things!
Pastore: I got it, I got it.
[Res. Pastore fires SCP-5355 once more at the phagic entity. It has no effect. Both Res. Pastore and J.R. Remington make it out safely, as the camera is then swallowed by a large, amoebaic creature. As the creature comes into contact with the remains of the wet wipe, its cellular wall violently explodes, killing both of the other entities.]
<END LOG>

« SCP-5354 | SCP-5355 | SCP-5356 »


by ███████████████

Item#: ERROR

Level#

Containment Class:
ERROR

Secondary Class:
ERROR

Disruption Class:
ERROR

Risk Class:
ERROR

link to memo

The file "SCP-5356" does not exist. The object it describes may have been archived, explained, or decommissioned and removed from the main database. If not, you may be encountering a database error, and should contact RAISA for assistance.
If you do not believe this to be the case, you may input Level 5 clearance credentials for more information.

« SCP-5355 | SCP-5356 | SCP-5357 »


Item #: SCP-5359
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: All physical copies of SCP-5359 are stored in a standard low-risk object locker at the East Wing of Site-49; an electronic copy of SCP-5359 has been stored in the Site-49 database. MTF Chi-9 ("Page Turners") are to be deployed to all scenes where a death by spontaneous combustion has occurred, to search for copies of SCP-5359. If a physical copy is found, it is to be secured and taken to containment without being read in its entirety - members of MTF Chi-9 have memorized the first and last two stanzas of SCP-5359 in order to facilitate identification.
Foundation webcrawler ALPHA-04/TOM is currently monitoring all web activity searching for electronic copies of SCP-5359. If one is found, ALPHA-04/TOM is programmed to isolate and delete the SCP-5359 instance, alerting MTF Chi-9 with all IPs that have visited the compromised page. All witnesses of the effects of SCP-5359 are to be interrogated and amnesticized, using cover story number 24 ("Abduction and Disappearance"), or cover story number 15 ("Gas Leak") as deemed necessary.
Description: SCP-5359 is the designation for an unpublished poem, organized in 11 4-verse stanzas, known as "The Unknown Lady", written in 1945 by Kiyoshi Nakamura (1909 - 1950), a former professor at the University of Tokyo. SCP-5359 contains an infohazard that is triggered once subjects acquire full knowledge of the contents of the poem, either by reading it by themselves or by listening to someone else read it aloud. Approximately 55 seconds after completion, the subject's body will begin to emit large amounts of ionizing radiation, followed almost immediately by instantaneous combustion. Radiation from the effects of SCP-5359 will disappear through unknown means approximately 30 seconds after the subject's vital functions have stopped.
It is known, from various letters and pieces of his diary, that Mr. Nakamura wrote SCP-5359 following a series of tourist trips he had made to different countries after being rejected from the Japanese army because of his multiple health problems (including asthma and a limp in his left leg caused by a fracture he sustained in a traffic accident in 1939). It is still unknown how Mr. Nakamura created the infohazard, or how it did not affect him.
Discovery: SCP-5359 was discovered after 17 potentially anomalous deaths occurred in Okinawa Prefecture, Japan, in 2010. Agents Yoshida and Akagawa were deployed to investigate these deaths, successfully tracking down and containing a copy of SCP-5359 that had been checked out of a public library by a university student, presumably for the purpose of studying the works of Kiyoshi Nakamura. It is currently unknown how the library obtained a copy of SCP-5359.
Once the anomalous properties of SCP-5359 were confirmed, the Foundation was able to connect 127 other deaths around the world that had previously been classified as Extranormal Events, and were considered to be isolated incidents. So far, the Foundation has seized 53 copies of SCP-5359, including 4 electronic copies. It is currently unknown how all of these copies have been distributed, and the person or group responsible for this has been provisionally classified as GoI-5359.
Addendum 5359.1: Contents of SCP-5359
The following is a summary of the contents of SCP-5359. Some parts have been omitted in order to avoid activation of its infohazardous effects on the reader.

Upon a place where air is warm,
There lays a treasure I want
For inside a village which is shady,
Lives an unknown lady.
She is unknown by most of them people
Who reside outside the bloom.
Someday they will ring the steeple,
And they will rise upon the navel of the moon.
Wait we all need to.
As for now,
She will remain unknown,
For another decade or two.
[DATA REDACTED]
My beatiful and precious,
The unknown lady talked with me.
She taught me everything she will be,
And unknown remains why is she seen as dangerous.
Power is feared, it is respected.
Will they use my lady,
To do something misdirected?
I'm afraid she has already betrayed me.
[DATA REDACTED]
Death and horror rose to the sky,
They didn't even get to say goodbye.
Though, once, time will come,
And they won't be able to run home.
For the unknown lady will say her name,
Out loud, everyone will hear her scream,
Please, make my word known,
As the lady will not be anymore unknown.

« SCP-5358 | SCP-5359 | SCP-5360 »


Item #: SCP-5360
Level 3/5360

Object Class: Safe
Classified

An approximate floor plan of SCP-5360.

Special Containment Procedures:
SCP-5360 and the adjacent properties are to be put under the jurisdiction of the local Site-712. A cover story will be disseminated that SCP-5360 is to be made a city landmark. The appearance of SCP-5360 and all evidence will be logged daily. A mobile testing location will be constructed for ease of access in this purpose. Only Level 3+ personnel may have access to SCP-5360. Due to Incident 5360-1, all personnel assigned for longer than a week must undergo mandatory psychiatric evaluation. Researcher Kazato will be the Head Researcher for SCP-5360 following Incident 5360-1.

Description:
SCP-5360 is the designation for the murder scene of Vincent Taglietti (and by extent, the estate). 5360's anomalous properties manifest daily at approximately 1 AM. At this time, all pertinent evidence within the estate will disappear and reappear within five minutes. However, the evidence will have either greatly changed or no longer be relevant to the murder. Additionally, the corpse will re-manifest with a different cause of death and as an entirely different person.
A list of various changes have been composed, which include:

A Colt M1911A1 handgun re-manifested as a Smith & Wesson Model 10 revolver.
A 30-year old male with a death by gunshot re-manifested as a 23-year old female with a death by manual strangulation.
Any pictures or video taken of the crime scene are corrupted (digitally) or blank (film).

Currently, none of the corpses produced by SCP-5360 have been identified. A list of all SCP-5360 appearances and pieces of evidence is available upon request.

Item History:
SCP-5360 was discovered in Spring Green, Wisconsin on March 14th, 2019, after the murder of its owner Vincent Taglietti. When police investigators first attempted to investigate, 5360's anomalous properties manifested. The Foundation took jurisdiction over the investigation six days later and enacted temporary containment procedures; full containment was implemented ten days from 5360's first manifestation. The murder of Vincent Taglietti has not been solved.

Addendum 01: Incident 5360-1

« 5360-1 Investigation Log »

» 5360-1 Investigation Log «

Investigative Bureau of Internal Crime
INCIDENT LOG

On December 14th, 2019, at 10:04 AM, the body of former Head Researcher Carter was discovered in the shed adjacent to the main house of SCP-5360.
He was found having sliced his carotid artery with a knife produced by SCP-5360; an on-site autopsy determined that Researcher Carter died at approximately 9:00 PM the previous day. This was corroborated by the fact that the side entrance had been opened by Carter at 8:55 PM (as evidenced by logs from the entrance's electronic keypad). Additionally, it had been raining the day before - the ground outside was extremely muddy. Only one set of footprints was found in the mud, leading from the side entrance to the shed. These footprints matched with the boots worn by Researcher Carter.
A note was found written by Researcher Carter, expressing his disgust at seeing the corpses of SCP-5360 everyday. New procedures will be implemented to prevent this type of incident in the future.
Approximate Timeline of Events:

At 7:00 PM, Researcher Travis Carter and Researcher Inoue Kazato enter the main house of SCP-5360 to conduct research.
Carter leaves 5360 at 8:30, as seen on some security footage.
Carter re-enters 5360 at 8:55 by the side entrance and enters the shed.
Carter writes the note, then proceeds to commit suicide.
Researcher Kazato leaves the main house at SCP-5360 at 9:10.
The body of Researcher Carter is discovered at 10:04 AM the next day.

- Investigation conducted by Agents Trevelyan and Kogoro.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING ADDENDUM IS LEVEL 5/5360 CLASSIFIED

ANY ATTEMPT TO ACCESS THESE ADDENDUM WITHOUT LEVEL 5/5360 AUTHORIZATION WILL BE LOGGED AND WILL LEAD TO IMMEDIATE DISCIPLINARY ACTION.

Addendum 02: Researcher Kazato Interview Log

« Interview Log, 12/15/19 »

» Interview Log, 12/15/19 «

Interviewed: Researcher Inoue Kazato
Interviewer: IBIC Agent Akechi Kogoro

[ BEGIN LOG ]

Akechi: Hello, Researcher Kazato.
Kazato: Good morning, Agent. I suppose you're here to see me about the SCP-5360 incident again?
Akechi: Sorry for being so predictable!
< Akechi laughs. >
Akechi: I just have to ask you something.
Kazato: I think I've told you everything I know.
Akechi: Ah, yes. So you say. What size are your shoes, if I may ask?
Kazato: What? What does this have anything to do with the incident?
Akechi: Please, if you would, just answer the question.
Kazato: Fine. I'm a size nine.
Akechi: Size nine, I see. What kind of shoes do you wear?
Kazato: Combat boots, high lace.
< Akechi is silent for two minutes. >
Kazato: Can I go now? I've got to take care of things at the site.
Akechi: I'm… afraid not.
Kazato: Why not?
Akechi: Because Travis Carter's death wasn't a suicide. It was a very, very well planned murder. And you're the one who committed it.
< Kazato briefly smiles. >
Kazato: Oh? What makes you say that, hmm? Wasn't I in the main building from seven o'clock to ten past nine?
Akechi: According to the report, you were.
Kazato: And there were no footprints from the house to the shed, right?
Akechi: Indeed there weren't.
Kazato: So how could I have committed this so-called murder, huh?
Akechi: Well, you couldn't have-
Kazato: See! What was that accusation about, then?
Akechi: - if that really had been Carter who left at eight-thirty.
Kazato: Are you stupid? There was security footage of him leaving the main house at that time.
Akechi: There was security footage of someone leaving the main house. The only person who said it was Carter was you. After all, both of you have similar builds and external appearances. It wouldn't have been far-fetched for you to walk out pretending to be him. He can't disprove it.
Kazato: W- what are you suggesting?
Akechi: I'm suggesting that you called Carter to the main house and knocked him out. You then walked out, being careful not to show your face to the security cameras.
Kazato: His body was found in the shed, you idiot! He's the one that opened the side entrance! There were only one set of footprints going towards the shed, and none between the house! How do you suggest that I got his body then?
Akechi: That's not too difficult.
Kazato: How, then?
Akechi: You took his card when you left. Then, you came back and entered used his card to get through the side gate so it would look like he opened it.
Akechi: You transported the body using long, vertical planks between the main house and the shed so you wouldn't leave footprints. You then propped his body up and slit his throat with the knife. The note was most likely prepared beforehand. After that, you swapped your shoes: both of you share the same shoe size and wear the same type of combat boots. You left the shed using the planks, then exited the main house as if nothing happened.
Kazato: Long vertical planks? Hah. I didn't carry anything like that in. What did I use?
Akechi: I noticed by comparing the 5360 logs that a pair of long skis had vanished from the shed, but had turned up in the main house the next day. They didn't have anything to do with the crime that was logged that day, so why were they moved? Because you had used them to cross the distance between the main house and the shed.
< Kazato is visibly distressed. >
Kazato: Where- wh- where's your proof?
Akechi: You have them on you.
Kazato: What?
Akechi: You're wearing the same shoes as the day you committed the murder. At the scene of the crime, the ground around Carter's feet had blood splatters. I'm not sure if you realized it.
< Kazato looks down at his feet and starts shaking. >
Akechi: When you swapped the shoes, you inadvertently took the shoes that were stained with his blood. You've never - by all reports - been near Carter since the incident happened. One witness can cleanly testify that your boots were shined clean two days ago. If we test the blood on your shoes, and should it belong to Carter, that would prove that you were at the scene of the crime.
< Kazato is silent for several minutes. >
Kazato: Hah, I guess- I guess you've won.

[ END LOG ]

« SCP-5359 | SCP-5360 | SCP-5361 »


Bread_Tyrant

Author Page

Instance of SCP-5361

Item #: SCP-5361
Object Class: Neutralised
Special Containment Procedures: Foundation web crawlers were to monitor UK weather agencies and other media outlets reporting on abnormal weather patterns detected to be as a result of SCP-5361-1, suppressing this information from public view.
SCP-5361-1 was prepared to be contained within a corporeal entity containment chamber at Site-301, with a Faraday cage constructed around the unit. The activity of SCP-5361-1 was to be monitored at all times. If SCP-5361-1 began to dematerialise, an inbuilt SRA would be activated.
As of 20/6/2021, SCP-5361 and -1 are considered neutralised.
Description: SCP-5361 were a series of weather phenomena that occurred based on the emotional state of SCP-5361-1, a humanoid entity, superficially resembling the late Doctor Fordham who died on 27/5/2021.
SCP-5361-1 produced an intermittent antimemetic effect on subjects viewing it and would manifest at a variable time at a variable location within the UK before beginning to wander without direction. After travelling for roughly 2 hours, SCP-5361-1 would dematerialise. SCP-5361-1 was not affected by outside stimuli, capable of walking through solid surfaces and would ignore any attempts at communication.
As of 20/6/2021 SCP-5361-1 has yet to manifest again.
Addendum.1: Below are a series of text messages between Doctor Roberts and the late Doctor Fordham.

+ 25/05/2021

- 25/05/2021

25/05/2021 at 11:43

Dr. Roberts: Not long till you're back now
Dr. Roberts: I can't wait for us to finally spend some time together
Dr. Fordham: I can't wait either
Dr. Fordham: Only a few days left on this project
Dr. Roberts: And it's just in time for your birthday as well
Dr. Fordham: We have to make this one extra special then
Dr. Roberts: You know what else is coming up?
Dr. Fordham: Hmmm I wonder what?
Dr. Fordham: Nope, my calendar is completely empty ;)
Dr. Roberts: You and your jokes lol
Dr. Roberts: It will be our 3 year anniversary
Dr. Fordham: Oh I must have forgotten
Dr. Roberts: :(
Dr. Fordham: I'm messing with you
Dr. Fordham: Of course I remembered
Dr. Roberts: I still remember that little work get together all those years ago
Dr. Fordham: Ah yes
Dr. Fordham: When I first asked you out
Dr. Fordham: Good times
Dr. Roberts: I still reminisce about the old days
Dr. Roberts: When things were much simpler
Dr. Fordham: I miss them as well
Dr. Fordham: But the promotion allowed us to buy that new house we always wanted
Dr. Fordham: Opened up a lot of doors as well
Dr. Roberts: I know
Dr. Roberts: I just wish we had more time
Dr. Fordham: We will soon enough
Dr. Roberts: I hope so

25/05/2021 at 11:45

Dr. Fordham: Looks like it's time for me to head off now
Dr. Fordham: Will text you later
Dr. Fordham: Bye
Dr. Roberts: Good bye

+ 27/05/2021

- 27/05/2021

27/05/2021 at 12:27

Dr. Roberts: Yay
Dr. Roberts: Coming back home today just in time for your birthday
Dr. Roberts: I brought you your favourite

27/05/2021 at 12:29

Dr. Roberts: Hey?
Dr. Roberts: So when are you back home?
Dr. Fordham: Something's come up
Dr. Roberts: ?
Dr. Fordham: Well Simon said that there's a potential promotion up for grabs if I decide to stay a little longer
Dr. Roberts: What do you mean by staying a little longer?
Dr. Fordham: Well there is the whole tracking, observing and studying stuff and then all the paperwork has to be entered onto the database
Dr. Fordham: It's a very tedious process, but you get the extra money and it could lead to a higher paying position
Dr. Roberts: Is this not a steady enough job for you at the moment
Dr. Roberts: You might not even get it and it will just be more time wasted, when you could be home
Dr. Fordham: We could always use the extra money
Dr. Fordham: Go on that holiday we always wanted
Dr. Fordham: Get a new car and stuff like that with the job
Dr. Roberts: That's all well and good
Dr. Roberts: But is it all worth it if you're always away on some research trip and never here
Dr. Roberts: It would be nice to finally spend a bit of time together
Dr. Fordham: We can have all the time in the world
Dr. Fordham: It's just that moving up the ranks would benefit us
Dr. Fordham: Just imagine
Dr. Roberts: When will it stop though
Dr. Fordham: I though this is what you wanted
Dr. Fordham: A stable job
Dr. Fordham: Money for us
Dr. Fordham: I'm doing this for us
Dr. Roberts: But what's the point if we can't enjoy our life together
Dr. Roberts: It's always about work
Dr. Roberts: Ever since we first got together
Dr. Fordham: It's just another week or so
Dr. Roberts: Yes, but when will it end
Dr. Roberts: Every time you come home from your latest trip out of the country
Dr. Roberts: You're immediately off the next day to some other place
Dr. Fordham: I'm trying okay
Dr. Fordham: Balancing this job and still having time for us is frustrating
Dr. Fordham: I just want to get it over and done with so things can go back to being about us
Dr. Fordham: Is that not what you wanted? For us to be happy
Dr. Roberts: Is that what you want Jeffery?
Dr. Fordham: Well
Dr. Fordham: It's complicated
Dr. Roberts: You're tiring yourself out for a job that you're not happy with
Dr. Fordham: Who says I'm not happy
Dr. Fordham: I'm happy because in the end it will all be worth it
Dr. Fordham: To live our best lives together
Dr. Roberts: I think we need to figure out what's important to the both of us
Dr. Roberts: This relationship
Dr. Roberts: Or our work lives
Dr. Fordham: I mean what did you think this job would do?
Dr. Roberts: I had never really thought it through
Dr. Fordham: Why?
Dr. Fordham: Because you didn't think it would be successful
Dr. Roberts: No
Dr. Roberts: Because I didn't think that it would mean you'd be away for so long
Dr. Fordham: Do you not think I can get the promotion or something
Dr. Roberts: It's not like that
Dr. Roberts: I just don't want you to be disappointed in yourself again like last time
Dr. Fordham: What happened last time won't happen again
Dr. Fordham: You can trust me
Dr. Fordham: Just a little more time for what's most important to me right now
Dr. Roberts: I think the both of us need a break from it all
Dr. Roberts: Figure out this whole life thing if we want to keep this relationship going
Dr. Roberts: I'm going to stay round my sister's for a bit
Dr. Roberts: I can't stand being in this house alone without you
Dr. Fordham: Hey?

27/05/2021 at 12:31

Dr. Fordham: Hey
Dr. Fordham: I didn't mean it like that

27/05/2021 at 12:34

Dr. Fordham: Hey?
Dr. Fordham: You there?

27/05/2021 at 12:37

Dr. Fordham: I don't need this right now ok
Dr. Fordham: I'm stressed
Dr. Fordham: See you in a couple days then
Dr. Fordham: Goodbye

Roughly 2 hours later, Doctor Fordham was killed during a head on collision after the Foundation vehicle swerved off the road and hit a civilian vehicle. Doctor Fordham was situated in the front passenger seat.
Upon hearing what had occured, Doctor Roberts was allowed a week off work for grieving purposes.
Addendum.2: Roughly 2 weeks after its discovery, Doctor Roberts was informed about the manifestation of SCP-5361-1. Doctor Roberts applied for a test to be conducted on SCP-5361-1. This application was approved.

Date: 20/6/2021
Procedure: Dr. Roberts would make contact with SCP-5361-1 and attempt to communicate with the entity.
Purpose: To test whether SCP-5361-1 will react when presented with a person of interest from Dr. Fordham's life.
Results: While SCP-5361-1 had begun to walk down an alley, Dr. Roberts rounded the corner and stood in front of SCP-5361-1. SCP-5361-1 proceeded to tilt its head downwards to observe Dr. Roberts, before they both embraced each other in a hug. SCP-5361-1 then proceeded to dematerialise.
Note: After a prolonged absence of SCP-5361-1 once the test had concluded, the item was reclassified as neutralised.

« SCP-5360 | SCP-5361 | SCP-5362 »


Bread_Tyrant

Author Page

Item №: SCP-5362
Object Class: Euclid (Provisional)
Special Containment Procedures: Foundation web crawlers are to monitor for the appearance of literary or artistic depictions of SCP-5362. These items are to be immediately seized and stored within containment locker B at Site-301. Those affected by SCP-5362 are to undergo extensive Class-F amnestic therapy by order of the O5 council. SCP-5362 manifestations are to be monitored by MTF Pi-1 ("City Slickers") and are to be halted before contact with a subject can be made.

Non-anomalous depiction of SCP-5362.

Description: SCP-5362 denotes a fictional character depicted in northern European folklore, most commonly referred to as "The One with a Thousand Faces". Most physical depictions vary, however SCP-5362 is commonly represented as a frail, skinless humanoid wearing torn clothing, lacking a mouth or eyelids and having an exposed brain underneath a thin membrane. The character is usually described as "smelling of rotting meat". One of its most notable characteristics is its ability of therianthropy, transforming itself into mice, rats and other rodent species. Another notable characteristic is the ability to transform its face into that of any existing person. SCP-5362 has appeared in texts dating as far back as the 11th century.
The frequency of physical manifestations of SCP-5362 are dependent on the number of interactions it has had with human individuals. SCP-5362 has only been observed manifesting near those who have viewed artistic or literary depictions of SCP-5362. The entity will stalk the individual upwards of 7 days, before making contact with the subject as they have entered REM sleep. Upon contact the subject will undergo several anomalous alterations.
Immediately after contact, the subject will lose functionality in many of their facial muscles, which will eventually lead to paralysis. Once this has occurred, a transmutagenic process will begin, with several of the individual's facial features being covered by abnormal skin growths. Once this has occurred, SCP-5362 will be capable of transforming its own face into that of the subject.
This process is able to be delayed, and in some cases, halted with the use of Class-F amnestics, completely removing the individual's identity. SCP-5362 can also be intercepted before it is able to make contact with the subject. By doing this it causes SCP-5362 to immediately dematerialise.
Muscle tissue from SCP-5362 was retrieved after it was intentionally shot in the forearm during an intervention. Biological analysis of SCP-5362's muscle tissue have revealed the appearance of specialised chromatophores. Complex tube systems have also been discovered within SCP-5362's head, allowing it to rapidly transport fat deposits around its face, giving the illusion of its transformative properties.
SCP-5362 was first properly documented by "His Majesty's Foundation for the Secure Containment of the Paranormal, (HMFSCP)" which is when containment methods were first implemented during the 19th century. The Department of Mythology currently holds a detailed account of SCP-5362 which can be found in an 18th edition of the book "Monsters of the Developed World" seized from the estate of Lord Blackwood.

The One with a Thousand Faces

Falling under the category of mimics, this entity I first heard of from the local populus of a small little coastal village in the isles of Great Britain. A farmer by the name of Frederick spoke of a foul beast hidden away in the Scottish Highlands and perhaps even further out into the wild seas, that would steal the faces of the children who had not been on their best behaviour. A simple folktale to scare the children into being nicer to their superiors I thought, yet I was proven wrong.
I had heard of the mystical and fantastical before, but nothing of this sort. Some kind of reddish humanoid creature lacking many characteristics you'd consider universal across nature. It had an oblong head, with its brain visible through a white film. Beneath a broad brow sat two black eyes with two nostrils in-between. It had no mouth to speak of, only just flat bone in its place atop a frail, grotesque body that emanated the stench of rotting carcasses. An unpleasant sight to see for sure, but I am not the type to back down from gaining new knowledge.
It disappeared over the hills some time later, and in an attempt to follow and track down the creature, we came across one of its victims. In a large field stood a cottage by its lonesome, a path of dead grass leading up to the front door. Somehow ignoring the bolts and locks, this frail creature had busted the door open. Checking inside I was greeted to the sight of a man who must have been in his late seventies, collapsed dead. Turning the body over, I came across his face. A layer of flesh had formed over his eyes, ears, nose and mouth, suffocating him as he attempted to leave through the door. Poor old chap.
In legends it's said that the creature, once a child, was mocked for his appearance to the point where he began to conspire with demonic forces in the hopes of releasing a deadly calamity on the people who wronged him. Like always there was a price to pay, transforming him into the nightmare that plagues these lands today.
I hope someday he finally finds peace.

« SCP-5361 | SCP-5362 | SCP-5363 »


Controlled Containment

Calibold

SCP-5363-D — Controlled Containment

Calibold's Mega Cool Author Page

Item #: SCP-5363-D
Object Class: Thaumiel Decommissioned
Special Containment Procedures (Archived): SCP-5363 is contained in a Level 9 secure vault in Site-01 Area-137, pending decommissioning. Access to it is strictly forbidden except by unanimous approval of the O5 Council.
Description (Archived): SCP-5363 is a sheaf of papers, stapled together in the top-left corner. The top sheet is a cover sheet that reads "Special Termination Procedures."
Behind the cover sheet, SCP-5363 is organized in sets of two pages. The first page in each set displays the name of a high-ranking, living member of Foundation personnel. The page behind it displays details on how the aforementioned individual will be killed. Whenever the cover sheet is lifted, SCP-5363 will generate a new section behind the existing ones. Currently, SCP-5363 has 22 pages, excluding the cover sheet.
Whenever one of the pages that details an individual's death is read, the relevant individual will die within the next 24 hours, in the exact manner described. While only three pages have ever been read, it is widely accepted that the reading of the page anomalously results in the written events occurring.
Discovery: SCP-5363 was discovered by MTF Alpha-1 ("Red Right Hand") upon a raid of a facility suspected to be connected to anomalous espionage. One of the task force's members read from a page detailing the death of Agent Jack Dawkins during the recovery process before handing it over to his captain. The next day, Agent Dawkins was killed in the manner detailed by SCP-5363. A brief interview and cross-reference determined SCP-5363's properties, and it was subsequently placed in containment. The relevant agents were amnesticized, and knowledge of SCP-5363 was restricted to exclusive Level 5 personnel and the O5 Council.
Addendum 5363.1: One week after the initial containment of SCP-5363, an email was sent to all Level 5 personnel from a now-defunct address, containing a copy of SCP-5363's documentation. While knowledge of this document was kept from lower-ranking personnel, to prevent sudden panic, high tensions immediately rose between Level 5 personnel and the O5 Council. There were several demands that SCP-5363 be destroyed, culminating in an official proposal from the Decommissioning Department, signed by several personnel. The proposal was reviewed by the council, which engaged in a vote to override it.

O5 Vote Overriding Decom. Dept. Proposal 5363

Y
N
Abstain

O5-1

O5-2

O5-3

O5-4

O5-5

O5-6

O5-7

O5-8

O5-9

O5-10

O5-11

O5-12

O5-13

Status

Motion Passed

SCP-5363 was not destroyed; however, further security measures were engaged to prevent its unauthorized usage. Six Level 5 personnel immediately resigned following this announcement.
Addendum 5363.2: On December 5th, 2010, a raid was conducted by the Chaos Insurgency on Site-03, in an attempt to gather vital Foundation intelligence. The incursion was successfully repelled, with multiple Insurgency agents being captured.
Upon interrogation of the detained subjects, it was discovered that they were primarily seeking the location of SCP-5363. As the raid captain had been killed during the incident, it was unknown how the Insurgency learned of SCP-5363's existence. An internal investigation was immediately carried out to find a possible leak; none was found.
Addendum 5363.3: Since the previous incident, five attacks have been carried out by hostile Groups of Interest against intelligence Sites, with the confirmed goal of locating SCP-5363. No captured individuals have divulged the source of their intelligence.
A second proposal was sent from the Decommissioning Department, signed by a significantly higher number of personnel. It once again proposed the destruction of SCP-5363, this time with the additional grounds that its existence was resulting in collateral damage and deaths as enemy forces attempted to locate the object. With a 7-6 vote by the O5 Council, SCP-5363 was approved for decommissioning and transferred to Area-137.
Addendum 5363.4: [O5 ACCESS GRANTED] The following message was sent from O5-2 to the rest of the O5 Council, prior to the planned transfer of SCP-5363 to the Decommissioning Department:

My fellow council members,
I have always been in support of delegation and the belief that we can both control and trust those in our command to make the right decisions. However, in light of recent events, particularly regarding SCP-5363, it has unfortunately become clear that we have been far too naïve. Several personnel have turned against us, and while I understand their reasoning, we cannot simply act as though tensions aren't rising.
As such, I am proposing a Council-only vote, regarding our next steps with SCP-5363. To be completely clear, this proposal is only a matter of security and safety. I see no reason to ever utilize its properties.

O5 Vote Regarding O5-2's Proposal

Y
N
Abstain

O5-1

O5-2

O5-3

O5-4

O5-5

O5-6

O5-7

O5-8

O5-9

O5-10

O5-11

O5-12

O5-13

Status

Motion Passed

O5 Council Internal Notification: While previous administrations have elected for strict containment of SCP-5363, the current representing O5 Council has made the decision to update the protocols regarding it. The following changes have been approved:
Object Class: Thaumiel
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-5363 has been moved to Site-01. Any given page of SCP-5363 is permitted to be viewed upon a majority vote by the O5 Council.
Additional Notes: At present, SCP-5363 has 194 pages.

+ More by Calibold +

- More by Calibold -

Calibold's Mega Cool Author Page
— SCP Articles —

SCP-7178 — A Thief In The Night
SCP-7179 — E is for Eternity
SCP-6469-D — A BABY?????
SCP-2082 — Elephas cryophilus
SCP-6156 — Oh, Doug!
SCP-6579-D — The Detective Killer
SCP-6900-D — The House of Stars
SCP-5277 — What Can Go Wrong
SCP-5363-D — Controlled Containment
SCP-3482 — fine mayor posters campaign by dado
SCP-5156 — monke
Director Bold's Proposal-J — "Guys, please don't read our SCPs 🥺"
SCP-2693 — Fell Into The Well, Fell Into The Well, Fell Into The Deep Dark Well
SCP-5559-D — The Great Ambrose Bake-Off!
SCP-3448-J — Should Have Taken Him Sleeping
SCP-4456-D — No One Expects The Spanish Decommission!
SCP-4745 — Spooky Scary Snowman
SCP-4645 — Blackmailing Computer

— Tales —

OpusConfidant Wiki - SCP-4645 - Threatini
Diary Of An Existential Kid
Responsible Promotion
Friends Of Us Never Die
Truth Lies
A Team You Can (Maybe) Trust
Happy Father's Day
Mission: Decommission
A Bold Choice
I Am Become Death
Ulysses B. Donkman and the Heinous Hitman
It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Eldritch (Sung to the tune of "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas")
Chapter One - The End

— GoI Formats —

Manifest 476: Vanishing Galleon
The Book Of Mathisi, Chapter 1: The Parable Of The Three Princes
LTE-8686-Yellow-Kewpie
UIU File: 2001-023

— Other —

Mega Cool Customizable ACS Add-On Ver. 1.8.0 Guide
Decommissioning Department Hub
Fortune Favors
Decommissioning Dept. Theme
Mega Cool Customizable ACS Add-On Ver. 1.8.0
Mega Cool Author Page Tool Ver. 1.4.0
Calibold's Mega Cool Alternate SCP Logos Page
Calibold's Mega Cool Art Page (It's Mostly Just Icons, But Whatever, It's Still Mega Cool)

— Co-Authored —

Abraka David's Proposal — A Peak Behind the Curtain (feat. Ralliston, Placeholder McD, Guaire, Guezma, Jack Ike, Sherf, Yossipossi, Dr Balthazaar, Grigori Karpin, LORDXVNV, Lt Flops, Uncle Nicolini, Metaphysician)
SCP-7400 — Your Honor, League of Legends (feat. Sherf)
I, Hub (feat. many other authors)
Resurrection: New Faces (feat. Grigori Karpin, Nagiros, and redredred)
SCP-5545 — 𝙰 𝙱 𝙽 𝙾 𝚁 𝙼 𝙰 𝙻 𝙸 𝚃 𝚈 (feat. Yossipossi)
SCP-194 — Thank You For Your Cooperation (feat. CityToast)

— Foreign —
Director Bold's Proposal — Language
SCP-LA-II — Fruit

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SCP-5367
Pedagon critiques standardized education practices using physics. The quantizer breaks the students down into discrete numerical values (just like letter grades, GPA, percentages, etc) and spits them out. The different tests show that intelligence measures are arbitrary. Diffractor makes students EFFICIENT and causes the victims to have an existential crisis, migraines, mental issues, and memory/attention loss. Entangler causes a hive mind much like how standardized education treats all kids as the "average child" and has the goal of making everyone the same and crushes creativity and self actualization. Proper use of the entangler is the same goal as actual educational practices. Blog post shows how companies and governments prey on stressed and underqualified/inexperienced teachers to shill their dangerous methods; the teachers always regret it but it's too late.

Item #: SCP-5367
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: Objects that make up SCP-5367 are to be stored in standard anomalous item containment lockers. Personnel with Level 2 Clearance may submit a formal research proposal to Dr. Yvonne Praxis to gain access to SCP-5367 instances for further testing.
Description: SCP-5367 is the collective designation for the set of three devices sold as "Dr. Wondertainment's Quantum Teaching Resources" with the subheading of "For when the classical way isn't working". Devices that comprise SCP-5367 are "The Quantizer", "The Diffractor", and "The Entangler", which have been designated as SCP-5367-1, SCP-5367-2, and SCP-5367-3, respectively. Refer to the individual descriptions included below for more detailed descriptions of each SCP-5367 device.

SCP-5367-1
SCP-5367-2
SCP-5367-3

Item Description: SCP-5367-1 is a small, crescent shaped device with a leather grip on one end and a rainbow pattern covering the other. The words "THE QUANTIZER" are located along both sides of the device in large, metallic silver lettering and the words "Made by The Factory" are engraved underneath the grip. On the convex edge of the device, on the rainbow covered end, a green button of radius 1cm sticks out. Above the green button, a screen displays a pixelated message reading "THE QUANTIZER" when the device is not in use.
SCP-5367-1 instances convert subjects it is pointed at into various electromagnetic waves for the purpose of "quantizing" them into a discrete numerical value. What the presented value means, and how it is determined by SCP-5367-1, is currently unknown.
A set of initial experiments were conducted by the research team led by Dr. Praxis to determine the properties of SCP-5367-1.
Experimental Procedure: SCP-5367-1 is aimed at a subject and the green button is pressed. Observations are recorded and included in the below table.

Subject
Observations

Pan troglodytes (Common Chimpanzee)
The chimpanzee erupted into various colours of light and light beams were sucked into the aperture. Screen on SCP-5367-1 flashed through a series of diagrams showing different wavefunctions and calculations derivative of the Schrodinger Equation for approximately 30 seconds. The screen showed "Please wait while the student is quantized" before the number 105 appeared on the screen. The device's aperture then opened back up and shone a bright light towards the direction of where the chimpanzee was previously standing. After 5 seconds of bright light, the chimpanzee was returned to its initial form. The chimpanzee was then subjected to physiological analysis conducted by Foundation staff using x-rays, genetic testing, and a battery of minor tests. No anomalous aspects were observed during analysis.

Tursiops truncatus (Common Bottlenose Dolphin)
The device acted on the dolphin as observed in test 1 and presented the number 220 after completing the quantization process. The dolphin was then subjected to physiological analysis conducted by Foundation staff using x-rays, genetic testing, and a battery of minor tests. No anomalous aspects were observed during analysis.

D-1526
The device acted on D-1526 as observed in prior testing and presented the number 305 after completing the quantization process. No psychological issues were noted after this test.

D-1527

The device acted on D-1527 as observed in prior testing and presented the number 0 after completing the quantization process. Upon being returned to the room by SCP-5367-1, D-1527's epidermal layer sloughed off and subject began to seize. D-1527 expired after 14 minutes on continuous seizing and blood loss.
Researcher Note: It appears, after re-watching security footage during Test 4, that a fruit fly entered the space between the aperture and D-1527. Based on the disastrous outcome of test 4, we ask that all further testing with SCP-5367-1 be ensured to have a free field of view between the subject and SCP-5367-1.

+ View Autopsy report of D-1527

- Close D-1527 Autopsy Report

Autopsy on D-1527 was conducted by Dr. Hans Karik on May 24th, 2020.
D-1527's skeletal, muscular, and various internal organ structures were all non-anomalous and presented as a typical human male in their mid-30s. However, superior to the muscular tissue, D-1527 presented two vestigial arms composed of cartilage and adipose tissue. DNA analysis of these arms revealed a mix of homo sapiens (Human) and drosophila melanogaster (Common Fruit Fly) DNA.

Item Description: SCP-5367-2 is a small, cuboid device with a rainbow pattern covering its entirety. The words "THE DIFFRACTOR" are located along each side of the device in large, metallic silver lettering, and a green button protrudes out from the top with the words "Made by The Factory" encircling its rim.
SCP-5367-2 devices convert the room in which it is activated into a medium capable of diffracting living beings and the objects that are being interacted with. In rooms where an SCP-5367-2 device has been activated, all possible actions to achieve a desired goal or complete a set task appear to be taken simultaneously. How the device is able to cause this effect is currently unknown.
A series of experiments were conducted by Dr. Praxis' team to determine the properties of SCP-5367-2. Experimental results are included below.

Test Description
Observations

Researchers placed SCP-5367-2 on the floor in standard containment room I-1 and set the timer to 20 minutes. Green button was pressed using a remote device.
Observations during test: The space inside the room appeared to fracture, reminiscent of glass fracturing, and then returned to the appearance of the room as it was before activation of SCP-5367-2. Researchers were unable to open any doors into the room while the device remained active. At cessation of the set time, the room appeared to fracture once more and then returned to normal. Researchers were then able to enter the room without issue to retrieve the SCP-5367-2 device.

Researchers placed SCP-5367-2 on the floor in standard containment room J-1 and set the timer to 5 minutes. D-1526 was ordered to press the green button and then attempt to open either door leading into the containment room. D-1526 was given the instruction that, if the door is unopenable, they are to return to SCP-5367-2 and press the green button once more to end the test.

Observations during test: Space inside the room fractured as seen in the previous test upon press of the green button. Upon standing up, D-1526 appeared to duplicate, initially occupying the same space, and then separating upon walking to each of the two doors leading out of the test chamber. Upon reaching each door both duplicates split once more, with one proceeding to open and leave through their respective door and the other being unable to open their door and remaining within the room.

Cameras located outside of test chamber J-1 recorded the doors opening and closing but no instance of D-1526 exited the room. It is believed that the diffractions caused by SCP-5367-2 only exist within the confines of the room in which it has been activated.

The remaining D-1526 instances then returned to the button at the center of the room and merged into taking up the same space. Upon the press of the button, the room fractured again and only one D-1526 remained.
Follow up with D-1526 D-1526 expressed that, from their perspective, nothing in the room had changed during the test. However, D-1526 does have memories of taking each of the observed actions of all duplicates and admitted believing that they had just been having phantom memories from a bad batch of amnestics. Upon learning that they had actually split into each path simultaneously, D-1526 is now undergoing therapy due to the belief that they are not the original D-1526. Explaining quantum diffraction to D-1526 to ease anxieties have thus far been unsuccessful.

Researchers placed SCP-5367-2 on the floor of standard containment room K-1 and set the timer to 30 minutes. Dr. Praxis was to enter the room carrying 6 books labelled 1-6 and one six-sided dice. Upon pressing the green button, Dr. Praxis was directed to roll the die and read as much of the corresponding book as possible until time runs out. Following the completion of the experiment, Dr. Praxis was administered a test on the content of each book brought into the room.

Observations during test: Space inside the room fractured as seen before. Dice rolled by Dr. Praxis duplicated into six die, landing on all numbers from 1-6. Dr. Praxis then duplicated six times, all occupying the same physical space, and picked up each of the books in the room. When the timer went off, signalling that the test would end soon, Dr. Praxis placed the books back on the floor and joined back into one individual.
Follow up with Dr. Praxis: Dr. Praxis passed all follow-up quizzes administered without difficulty. When asked which book she ended up reading, Dr. Praxis explained that they remember reading all of the books. Dr. Praxis still insists upon having read each of the books while recognizing the impossibility of this action.

Researcher's Note: Prolonged usage of SCP-5367-2 by Foundation staff for maximizing work efficiency has resulted in unforeseen side effects. The most commonly observed side effects include becoming prone to migraines, experiencing an increased rate of long term memory loss, and developing multiple personalities (in cases where multiple staff were having a conversation around an activated SCP-5367-2).

Item Description: SCP-5367-3 is a small, rectangular device with a rainbow pattern covering its entirety. The words "THE ENTANGLER" are located along each side of the device in large, metallic silver lettering and a green switch is embedded in the bottom of the device. The words "Made by The Factory" are engraved in small lettering to the left of the green switch.
SCP-5367-3 devices cause the minds and bodies of subjects who walk underneath them to become cognitively entangled. How this happens, and whether the individual particles become entangled, or if "entanglement" occurs in some other way, is yet to be determined.
An experiment was conducted by Dr. Praxis' team to determine the properties of SCP-5367-3. Experimental results are included below.

ENTANGLER Testing

Subject
D-2413, D-1211, and D-2834

Protocol
D-2413, D-1211, and D-2834 are walked through a door with an activated SCP-5367-3 device located above the frame. D-2413 enters first, D-1211 follows directly after, and D-2834 enters the room 5 seconds later.

Results
Observations during test: Four steps after walking through the door, D-2413, D-1211, and D-2834 all stop walking and form a triangle facing in the same direction. Subjects remain silent for 60 seconds before the research team prompts them with a question. Subjects all respond in unison and make the same body movements simultaneously. Researchers ask subjects to exit through the same door they had entered at the start of the test. Subjects all move in the same triangular formation through the door and stop four steps outside. Subjects then walked in unison towards the room of D-2413.

Following the test of SCP-5367-3 using D-2413, D-1211, and D-2834, Dr. Praxis' team has investigated the source of the consciousness displayed by the trio. A transcript of the interview between researchers and D-2413, D-1211, and D-2834 is included below. D-2413, D-1211, and D-2834 were separated from one another into different rooms prior to interview.

+ Interview Log with D-2413, D-1211, and D-2834

- Hide Interview Log

Interviewer: Dr. Karik
Interviewer: Dr. Praxis
Interviewer: Dr. Ng

Interviewed: D-2413
Interviewed: D-1211
Interviewed: D-2834

Dr. Karik: We are here to determine the extent of SCP-5367-3's effects. Do you understand?
Dr. Praxis: Hello. We have brought you here to figure out the effects of SCP-5367-3. Are you ready?
Dr. Ng: We are here to determine the extent of SCP-5367-3's effects. Do you have any questions before we begin?

D-2413: Yes
D-1211: Yes
D-2834: Yes

Dr. Karik: Perfect. Let's begin then. Can you please explain your perspective of the experiment we conducted this morning?
Dr. Praxis: Alright. Let's start out simple. Can you please tell me your name and classification number?
Dr. Ng: Oh? Please, go ahead, you may ask anything you like before we officially begin.

D-2413: We remember entering testing chamber J-1 and feeling a great warmth. About four or five steps into the room we could suddenly see three different perspectives and hear three sets of thoughts. But it wasn't busy. It wasn't like how you would think voices in your head would be. It was like we all understood that we fit together in one mind. That this was the better way to be. It felt right.
D-1211: We remember entering testing chamber J-1 and feeling a great warmth. About four or five steps into the room we could suddenly see three different perspectives and hear three sets of thoughts. But it wasn't busy. It wasn't like how you would think voices in your head would be. It was like we all understood that we fit together in one mind. That this was the better way to be. It felt right.
D-2834: We remember entering testing chamber J-1 and feeling a great warmth. About four or five steps into the room we could suddenly see three different perspectives and hear three sets of thoughts. But it wasn't busy. It wasn't like how you would think voices in your head would be. It was like we all understood that we fit together in one mind. That this was the better way to be. It felt right.

Dr. Karik: That's very interesting. Can you explain who "We" includes?
Dr. Praxis: Huh? Are you trying to say that your name is "We"?
Dr. Ng: Alright. It's clear that you aren't responding to me at all. How interesting.

It was at this point that Dr. Ng realized that all three D-Class now shared the consciousness of one entity. Dr. Ng paged Dr. Praxis and Dr. Karik and the research team determined that responses alligned most with the questions asked by Dr. Karik to D-2413, the first to walk through the door during testing. Only the conversation between Dr. Karik and D-2413 are transcribed hereon.

D-2413, D-1211, and D-2834: We is the name for our mind. The voices and thoughts are all separate, but we all work together as We. There is [D-2834], [D-1211], [D-2413], and me.
Dr. Karik: And you? And who might you be?
D-2413, D-1211, and D-2834: I am We. I have no other name.
Dr. Karik: And where did you come from?
We: I became when the three minds walked through the door. Dr. Wondertainment gave me the job to be the mediator and the resource. I help the minds make choices and find answers. We work together. We work well.
Dr. Karik: And how do you know of Dr. Wondertainment? Can you tell me about them?
We: All I know is that we are to work together and that Dr. Wondertainment is not liable to any injuries, accidents, or violations of physical laws in the classroom. And that, by doing this test outside of a classroom, you have voided warranty.
Dr. Karik: Thank you. We will continue this interview later.

D-2413, D-1211, and D-2834 have continued to exhibit a singular mind ever since the conclusion of SCP-5367-3's initial test. Researchers have been unable to find any warranty documentation included with any of the instances of SCP-5367-1, SCP-5367-2, or SCP-5367-3.

Discovery Log: SCP-5367 was discovered by Foundation Webcrawlers after encountering a blog post to ███████, a popular local teacher's forum, by Ms. ███████, a new teacher in Calgary, Alberta, Canada (See blog post included below). Ms. ███████ identified that she had been sent an advertisement for SCP-5367 by mail shortly after being offered a teaching position at a local charter school (See advertisement included below). As of 2020/07/22, Foundation staff have blocked the delivery of 3756 copies of the advertisement from reaching new teachers across North America and have pulled it from advertising sections of 54 local teachers' union newsletters.
Foundation Webcrawlers are to search periodically for any further advertising from the "School Funification Division" and are to make Dr. Praxis aware of any new advertisements or products discovered.

+ View blog post

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DO NOT BUY ANYTHING FROM DR WONDERTAINMENT!! THEY DO NOT DO WHAT YOU THINK THEY WILL!!
I thought they were just the latest company trying to dive in to the teaching supply market to capitalize off of the recent Montessori tool trends. I was VERY wrong. I bought these products after my new principal sent me a letter of how much grades were emphasized at ███████ ████████ Elementary School and was terrified of making a mistake and ruining any of my students' futures. This thing was advertised like it would be some kind of Infrared thermometer but for measuring IQ or anxiety or something. I really didn't know what it was going to be measuring but I was scared and willing to try anything! Just like I bet a lot of you are if you are on this blog!
The thing just sat in my desk for a few months while I graded like I was taught to but then October rolled around and I had to write report cards and do Parent-Teacher interviews for a group of 46 eight-year-olds. That is way too much for one person to do without help and it was so early in the year and we hadn't done any of the big assessments yet and I got desperate. I pointed the thing at one of the more difficult to assess students who never handed in their homework and pressed the button. Suddenly he was gone! Burst into light and got sucked up into the device. The room was terrified, I was terrified. Everyone was screaming and crying and, honestly, I still have nightmares about it. After a few minutes the device's screen flashed and he was back in the room, a little dazed, but otherwise fine. THANK. GOD.
I have no idea what these things are, but no amount of stress is worth the horror that comes from these devices. Listen to my warning and AVOID AT ALL COST.

+ View advertisement

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Hello!!
We here at DR WONDERTAINMENT's new SCHOOL FUNIFICATION DIVISION are excited to announce our new line of QUANTUM TEACHING RESOURCES!
We have heard how lame school can be for students and how frustrating it can be for you teachers to teach a group that hates being there. So, we are offering you the chance to try out our first three devices in the teaching resources line for HALF the future price!
The QUANTIZER will make grading the easiest part of your job! Just point and click and you'll never need to grade another paper again!
The DIFFRACTOR will let you finish your entire plan for the day in half, a quarter, or even an infinitesimal of the time! Slap it on the floor and marvel as your classroom's efficiency shoots through the roof of the school!
The ENTANGLER will make you a master of classroom management on day one! Don't struggle with years of tossing and turning and making vague lesson plans, just place the ENTANGLER above the door and enjoy teaching to the average student perfectly!
Settle for the CLASSICAL methods of teaching no more! Break into the world of QUANTUM TEACHING and watch as your test scores rocket up and discipline issues plummet!
DR WONDERTAINMENT assumes no liability for any injuries, accidents, or violations of universal laws through the use of any of these products.

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