Item #: SCP-7913
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: Due to its size and location, SCP-7913 is contained and monitored in situ at Area-508. Area-508 consists of SCP-7913 and the neighboring police station, which have been surrounded by reinforced and bombproofed1 concrete. This was done under the public front of a factory compound for a private organization.
The police station next to SCP-7913 has been repurposed into a holding area for D-Class personnel to be used for procedure 12-Norquay. Currently, the recurrence of activation events necessitates no fewer than 5 20 40 D-Class personnel available onsite at any given time.
Activation Events are to be suppressed through Procedure 12-Norquay, which is to be carried out as follows: a D-Class staff member who has not yet participated in Procedure 12-Norquay will immediately be led through SCP-7913-A.
Lethal force has been authorized against any personnel who willingly or unintentionally interfere with Procedure 12-Norquay or attempt to damage SCP-7913.
Though it requires significantly less urgent attention than SCP-7913 or SCP-7913-A, SCP-7913-B is to be continually monitored for new arrivals, and the pathway from the door is to be kept clear.
Description: SCP-7913 refers to the contents of a warehouse in the █████████ neighborhood of St. Paul, MN. Remote-controlled drone observation, the following facts have been determined about SCP-7913:

It is a large and complicated electronic weapon that comprises 93% of the warehouse's interior.
There is no visible power source; electric power is maintained through unknown, presumably anomalous means.
SCP-7913's largest component, a black sphere, is an explosive charge that contains the equivalent of [REDACTED] exatons of TNT2 compressed into a 20-meter radius.

Further research has been hindered by the fact that SCP-7913 will start an activation event if a human subject enters the warehouse, a drone makes physical contact with any part of the device, or any attempts are made to hack into SCP-7913's mainframe. As such, the origin, creator, and age3 of SCP-7913 remain unknown.
SCP-7913-A is a 197 cm x 80 cm door attached to the southern wall of SCP-7913-A's warehouse. There is no exterior handle. A symbol of a black turtle's silhouette has been painted on it. There is an LED marquee and a loudspeaker above the door.
SCP-7913-A only opens during an activation event. It leads to a plain white room4 that is extradimensional in origin.
At seemingly random intervals (and when provoked by external means), SCP-7913 and SCP-7913-A will enter an activation event, which consists of the following:

Motors and other machinery audibly begin operation within SCP-7913 for approximately ten seconds.
SCP-7913-A opens.
The loudspeaker above SCP-7913-A begins emitting a 100 dB klaxon.
The marquee displays a 60-second countdown next to the flashing phrase "!! GET IN !! (pls)"

Note: Once the countdown begins, certain actions during the activation event can cause the countdown to decrease. This is noted by a sudden beep and the marquee briefly displaying ">_< PENALTY >_<" before returning to the countdown screen. The following actions have been proven to incur a "penalty:"

A human subject entering the warehouse.
Attempts to remotely hinder SCP-7913's operation.
A human subject who has previously undergone Procedure 12-Norquay entering SCP-7913-A.
Attempts to tamper with the marquee or speaker.
Rude gestures or insults toward SCP-7913 or SCP-7913-A.
Multiple human subjects entering SCP-7913-A.
A valid human subject for Procedure 12-Norquay attempts to leave SCP-7913-A.

At the 20-second mark, the core of SCP-7913 begins vibrating.
At the 0-second mark, one of two things occur:

If conditions for Procedure 12-Norquay have been met, the door closes, the alarm stops, SCP-7913 powers down, and the marquee displays "^_^ GR8 JOB A++ <3" before switching off.
If conditions for Procedure 12-Norquay have not been met, something within SCP-7913's core will begin screeching while the Marquee briefly displays "D: OH NOOOOO ;_; </3". This was briefly observed during an activation event on 12/19/22, which was aborted by the 12-Norquay participant being forcibly thrown into SCP-7913-A. As a result, the shrieking noise ended and the previous "positive" results were enacted, save for the marquee displaying "0_0 !! 3 CLOSE 5 COMFORT !! ^_^;;".

It has not been empirically determined what would happen if the countdown were allowed to reach zero without remedy, but from SCP-7913's explosive yield, it can be deduced that any action taken beyond this point would be irrelevant.
SCP-7913-B is an identical door to SCP-7913-A located on the warehouse's north side. It has no involvement with activation events or Procedure 12-Norquay. However, past participants from Procedure 12-Norquay will occasionally exit from this door with no memory of what took place between their procedure and their exit. This usually happens between three to six months after their entry of SCP-7913-A.
SCP-7913-B recovery has taken place with only 12% of participants.
Addendum - Escalation/Analysis:

From: Katya Dodgson (pcs.noitadnuof|1nosgdodk#pcs.noitadnuof|1nosgdodk)
To: O5 Command
Subject: Re: SCP-7913
Council,
You have told me previously to give SCP-7913's containment procedures two years' worth of a chance to prove their sustainability. It has been two years, and I not only can I confirm that not only are they unsustainable, but they're suicide.
Yes, SCP-7913 is in the middle of a major city. No, there are not enough resources to discreetly have it shot into space. I get that. But we need something better, and I'm tired of being stonewalled about this.
As recently as yesterday, there was a streak of 58 activation events in the span of an hour. That's just short of one per minute. It's as if SCP-7913 knows we're putting so much effort in — and every time it pushes our boundaries, we're giving it the go-ahead. I have enclosed other such reports with this email, but honestly, I don't know if there's enough time to read them. I'm too worried about what SCP-7913 might try to do while your eyes are mid-sentence.
Forget worrying about running out of available D-Class. We're going to run out of available humans someday.

- Dr. Katya Dodgson, Site Director of Area-508

From: Carl Grodin [pcs.noitadnuof|8nidorgc#pcs.noitadnuof|8nidorgc]
To: Katya Dodgson [pcs.noitadnuof|1nosgdodk#pcs.noitadnuof|1nosgdodk]
Subject: Fwd: Re: SCP-7913
Hi, Dr. Dodgson! My name's Dr. Carl Grodin from Site-59, and I'm currently on a plane to Area-508. O5-11 let me know about your predicament with 7913.
I've been going over the data from Procedure 12-Norquay and I've noticed a correlation between the activation events and the magnitude of SCP-7913's explosive charge. I realize that correlation doesn't equal causation, but this isn't anything general; this is a yes-no effect attached to every activation event.
It has to do with the recoveries brought about by 7913-B. Between 3 to 6 months after each activation, if the Norquay subject hasn't been recovered, the magnitude will go up by exactly one petaton of TNT. But if the subject has, that number doesn't increase.
In short, there's something about the unrecovered subjects that's making the bomb bigger.
What that "boom factor" (tentative name until we can think of something more clinical) might be is something I'm still looking into. But having gone over the records of the D-class we've been sending through 7913-A, I have a hypothesis.
Each of the recovered participants has at least one of the following qualities:

No history of violence
No criminal record (recruited through Protocol 12)
No history of mental illness
A generally positive outlook on life, as determined by onsite psychiatric analysts

I realize that none of this immediately translates to a better containment solution. But I genuinely believe I'm on to something. Because there is a personal quality that could increase the explosive yield of SCP-7913, the absence of which does nothing.
But what if there were a quality that could decrease this magnitude?
To this end, I'd be willing to volunteer in the first available action event, perhaps with a hidden camera. If this is some kind of test of character, then instead of a nonstop stream of death row inmates, why not send someone who actually graduated college?
Besides, I feel like I haven't made myself actually useful once in my six years of Foundation service. This might be a chance to make up for lost time.

- Dr. Carl Grodin, Site-59 Electronics Coordinator

Activation Event-5J7A7 Hidden Camera Footage - Archived Live Feed

(Field of view opens on the interior of SCP-7913's entry chamber. The klaxon is blaring outside.
(Dr. Grodin adjusts his camera, the lens of which is hidden in the right horn rim of his glasses.5)
Grodin: Are we good to go?
Researcher Yung: (Inaudible over the klaxon)
(Dr. Grodin turns around)
Grodin: What?
(Dr. Yung gives a thumbs-up. from beyond the open door.)
(Dr. Grodin tries to give a thumbs-up back, but the door automatically shuts on him mid-gesture.)
(He breathes deeply and mumbles to himself.)
Grodin: Okay, I got this… don't think about it too hard… just —
(The air shifts behind him. He quickly turns around.)
Wait…
(The once-empty room has been replaced with a larger chamber that can be best be described as a middle school library. There are no windows. One shelf is completely filled with copies of SCP-5198. Turtle-themed decorations are omnipresent: turtle posters, turtle figurines, et cetera. A large poster over the librarian's desk features a cartoon turtle holding a wooden sign that says "REMEMBER: TURTLE TOWN IS A NO-WUNTZING ZONE!" with an crossed-out red circle icon over the silhouette of an aardvark.)
(The librarian is a hirsute man in his mid-forties with a tight-fitting polo shirt. He sits bent over a pile of newspapers, furiously filling the answers of several hundred crossword puzzles with the word "TURTLE". His nametag reads "COUNSELOR JOEYJOE".)
Grodin: Um…
(Joeyjoe snaps his pencil in his fist at the sound of Grodin's voice. He stares up at Grodin with a ferocious glare.)
(The glare gradually morphs into an open-mouthed smile of pure delight over 20 silent seconds.)
Hi. Could you tell me where I —
Joeyjoe: You made it!
(Joeyjoe runs out from behind his desk and tackles Grodin with a fierce hug.)
Grodin: Please don't hurt me.
Joeyjoe: What? I'm not gonna hurt my best buddy!
(He backs away from the hug and places both hands on Grodin shoulders.)
We've all been rooting for you, Carlie. You've been through so much in your life, and every step along the way has been just plain turtle-tastic. And now you're here!
Grodin: Great! Um, where am I?
(Joeyjoe's smile fades. He stares at Grodin, perturbed.)
What?
(Joeyjoe backs away. He sighs into his cupped pams.)
Joeyjoe: Okay, you know what? That's fine. I mean, granted, we'd prefer if we didn't have you wuntzing right off the bat, but no one's perfect. Some planes just need a longer runway. That's okay!
Grodin: What am I doing, now?
Joeyjoe: Y'know…? Wuntzing? Wuntzing of the hands and feet, at the same time? I mean, if it's just foot-wuntzing, we can deal with that every now and then, no problem, but, like…
Grodin: I'm sorry, but I have no idea what "wuntzing" is. Could you explain to me —
(Joeyjoe interrupts him by sucking in a breath through his teeth.)
Joeyjoe: Oof… yeah… you know you just wuntzed three times mid-sentence, right?

[Truncated for brevity - 45 minutes later…]

(Grodin sits at a circular table with Joeyjoe and two other "counselors," an older woman named "Edimpth" and a 19-year-old girl named "Beckany." Edimpth goes over a clipboard.)
Edimpth: So! That takes care of plants. Now, what's your favorite fungus?
Grodin: I mean, that's not something I think about a lot, but… I guess if I had to pick, I'd say shiitake mushrooms, on the grounds that they're tasty.
(The counselors stare at him expectantly.)
Grodin: Next question?
Beckany: Ooh, ooh, would you like a hint?
Grodin: Why would I need a hint if this is about my personal preferences?
Beckany: See, like, a fungus is kind of like a plant, except… not!
Grodin: I know what a fungus is.
Beckany: That's GREAT!
(Beckany springs from her chair and hugs him tightly.)
I knew you could figure it out! I'm so proud of you!
Grodin: I'm sorry, but the hugging stopped being cute the tenth time. Please stop.
(She backs away, bewildered and on the verge of tears. She turns to Joeyjoe with a trembling lip.)
Joeyjoe: (Whispering) Maybe just hold off until he's earned it. Don't wanna encourage him too much when he's still wuntzing.
Grodin: And you still haven't told me what that is!
Edimpth: Don't yell at him!
Grodin: I'm not — ! (Lowering his voice) Look, please just tell me what wuntzing is, and I'll —
Edimpth: I asked first. You have a favorite fungus, don't you?
Grodin: I literally just told you it was shiitake.
Edimpth: …I'm waiting.
Grodin: Shiitake.
Joeyjoe: Okay, Carlie? Look at me. Yes, we did say that there are no right or wrong answers, this is just a survey of your preferences. But if someone asks you what your favorite kind of kitty cat is, and you say "beagle," you know what that tells us? "Wow, this guy is more invested in being the ha-ha-funny-boy than serious participation."
Grodin: Do you not know what a shiitake is?
Beckany: Hey, I think I know what's going on!
Grodin: What now?
Beckany: It's, like… he doesn't wanna answer the question so much, that he adds a bunch of extra questions that we have to answer, instead of answering the FIRST question, which HE'S supposed to answer! That's so interesting!
Grodin: Shiitake! Death cap! Fly agaric! Puffball mushrooms! Hallucinogenic mushrooms! What else do you —
Edimpth: Shiitake, got it.
Grodin: What?!
Edimpth: Oh, and for the record, that's all you had to say.
Grodin: I was trying to —
Edimpth: You did not have to add all that whiny-go-mommy-help-me business. You could have just said "Shiitake" and be done with it.
Grodin: I DID. THREE TIMES.
Edimpth: Well, maybe if you didn't put a bunch of wuntzy-boy dressing on that there salad, you would have only had to say it once!
Grodin: What he FUCK is —
Joeyjoe: She's right, you know.
Beckany: Yeah.
Edimpth: And they're right that I'm right.
Beckany: Ooh, it's like you're double-right! That's cute.
(Grodin sighs. He stares at the table. The shadows of his forearms lead to his head.)
Grodin: …just tell me what the next question is.
Edimpth: Well, that depends, are you gonna yell at us again, or are you gonna help us help you?
Grodin: Sure.
Beckany: Awesome! Lemme make a note of a hug I'll have to save for you later on…

[Truncated for brevity - 8 hours and 12 minutes later…]

(Grodin finishes a sixth-grade multiplication test. The answers are correct.)
(Edimpth bangs out a minor chord on a toy piano.)
Edimpth: Pencils down, everybody!
(He pushes the test to the edge of his table.)
(Joeyjoe grabs it.)
Joeyjoe: Great job, Carlie! Now, remember: there's no judgment here. This test isn't to determine whether or not you're "correct." We're just trying to get an assessment of what you can do and what needs work. Like with the survey! Just your preferences and your abilities. You understand that, right? Any questions?
(Grodin checks his watch. Joeyjoe looks over the test.)
Grodin: As a matter of fact, I do. It's been almost nine hours and I haven't had anything to eat. What kind of food and/or sleeping accomodations do you have in this… place? I was gonna say "school," but I don't know if —
(Joeyjoe shuts his eyes tight. He pinches the bridge of his nose, sighing deeply.)
Joeyjoe: I'm just… gonna be right back.
(He hands the test to Edimpth. She goes over the answers.)
Edimpth: (whispering) …oh, my God.
Joeyjoe: (whispering) Yyyeah. Either we're being fucked with on a level we haven't seen in ages, or —
Grodin: I can hear you.
Joeyjoe: Yes, hi, buddy! We can't always talk to you! Sometimes you gotta let the counselors have their together-time!
Grodin: Please stop talking to me like I'm a child.
(Edimpth approaches Grodin's desk. She grabs a different test worksheet.)
(She smiles nervously.)
Edimpth: Okay! We're gonna let you go to sleep in a few minutes, we just want to do one more test. Just to be sure. Something within your skill level.
Grodin: You said you were watching my life before this, right?
Edimpth: Mm-hmm!
Grodin: Then you know I got my doctorate in computer science from MIT, right?
Edimpth: And we're all very proud of you for it! Now, then…
(She takes his pencil.)
All you have to do is this new test. Don't worry about showing your work for this one. And let's do twenty minutes instead of ten, just to be safe. I'll leave you to it.
(She replaces his pencil with a red crayon from her pocket.)
Good luck, Carlie!
(Grodin grabs the crayon. His hand twitches violently.)

[Truncated for brevity - 19 days later…]

(Grodin is surrounded by crumpled pieces of blank newsprint. He slowly finishes up a simple diagram of an equilateral triangle.)
Grodin: There.
(He hands it to Beckany.)
Beckany: Thanks!
(She looks over the diagram. She squints, trying to figure it out.)
Grodin: It's a triangle.
Beckany: Hmmmm…
Grodin: You told me to draw a triangle. It is a triangle.
Beckany: Are you sure?
(Grodin sighs.)
Grodin: If this is some kind of situation where you're all extradimensional trickster genies or some shit, then please tell me what constitutes a fucking triangle, and I will draw it.
Beckany: Um… I'll be honest, I don't think another review is gonna help if you don't get it at this point. Maybe we should go back to lines! You were really great with lines.
(He weeps quietly.)
Aww, I know you're working hard, big guy… I got an idea. Would you like some more raisins?
Grodin: You have fed me nothing but raisins for two and a half weeks.
Beckany: Okay, remember what we said about stating the obvious? We all know the sky is blue. No one's going to tell you "great job" for saying it's blue.

[Truncated for brevity - 5 days later…]

(Grodin sits in a bathroom stall. The door has been removed. The three counselors sit on the floor where the door used to be. They stare at Grodin expectantly.)
Joeyjoe: Just take your time. We believe in you.
Grodin: I AM TRYING TO TAKE A SHIT! GO AWAY!
Edimpth: Carlie, I'm not telling you again about the yelling.
Grodin: At the absolute least, stop staring at me!
Joeyjoe: And we will! …just as soon as you can prove you can poop on your own without wuntzing.
(Grodin pounds a fist on the stall wall.)
Beckany: …fine. Bang your fists around like a monkey. That's really gonna prove you're mature.
Grodin: I CANNOT STOP WUNTZING UNTIL YOU TELL ME WHAT IT IS. TELL ME!
Joeyjoe: Well, with the way you're acting right now, I don't think you're in much of a place to be telling us what to do.
Grodin: YOU HAVEN'T TOLD ME WHAT IT IS EVEN ONCE!
Edimpth: Yes, it is wuntz. And it's terrible.
(Grodin cries again.)
Grodin: Just tell me what it is… please…
Joeyjoe: Let me put it this way: if someone goes up to you and tells you "I don't know how to breathe," what do you even say to that?
Beckany: Wait, asking that question would mean breathing, so doesn't he already know?
Grodin: Is it breathing? Is wuntzing breathing? Are you trying to kill me?
Joeyjoe: Of course not! You need to breathe to live! But if you think you need to wuntz to live, do you know what that's called? An addiction. And that's nothing to —
(Grodin involuntarily defecates.)
…okay, how many times did he wuntz during that bowel movement?
(Edimpth checks her clipboard.)
Edimpth: 27.

[Truncated for brevity - 52 days later…]

(Grodin's hands are visible clasping against his desk. His muscles display signs of severe malnutrition.)
(He sits in front of a pile of construction paper.)
(The counselors whisper inaudibly offscreen amongst themselves.)
Beckany: …yeah, I think he's ready too.
Edimpth: Good luck.
(Joeyjoe hands Grodin a pair of sharpened barber's shears. Grodin's quivering fingers grasp it gently.)
Joeyjoe: Enjoy your nap, kiddo?
(Grodin slowly nods.)
Great, great. Okay, here's the plan. Today, we're going to go over something that I think might be more in line with your strengths. We're going to cut a piece of paper. Just… cut anywhere. Don't worry about shapes or anything. Sound like a plan?
(Grodin's eyes slowly turn to meet Joeyjoe's.)
…sound like a pla —
(Grodin shrieks.)
(The next 68 seconds are spent on Grodin pouncing Joeyjoe and stabbing him in the heart a total of 167 times.)
(Grodin slowly stands back up. Still holding his scissors, he stares at Edimpth and Beckany. Neither of them are particularly unnerved by his outburst of violence.)
Edimpth: So you can't even commit murder without wuntzing?
(Grodin lunges for Edimpth.)
(He stumbles. His glasses fall onto the floor.)
(The camera shows that Grodin is not only malnourished, but naked and covered in filth. He coughs onto the floor. The coughing progresses into vomiting — but the vomit is an intense stream of thick, molten metal. It sets fire to the surrounding floor.)
Joeyjoe: Grab the milking harness! Don't let any go to waste!
(Beckany straps a funnel over Grodin's mouth. The funnel leads to a thick cable.)6
(Grodin continues vomiting metal into the funnel for the remainder of the video.)
(Joeyjoe squats down to examine him. His chest wounds are slowly regenerating.)
Edimpth: Huh. Y'know, that's the third-quickest it took to break someone since we've started.
Joeyjoe: So long as we still get to harvest the ego death in the end, I don't care how long it takes.
(He rubs Grodin's hair.)
This one was an easy case, though, I'll give you that much, and —
(Joeyjoe suddenly notices the glasses.)
(He grabs them, staring into the camera.)
Beckany: …tell me that's not a hidden camera.
Joeyjoe: You really think that's gonna stop 'em from feeding the engine? Besides, if they see firsthand what happens when you refuse to come out of your shell, it might do 'em some good in their own lives.
(He crushes the glasses.)
(The feed cuts off.)
<End log>

Footnotes
1. (While a complete activation event would prove uncontainable, this is to protect SCP-7913 from external activation due to natural disasters, civil unrest, or war.)
2. (Gleaned from monitor readouts on the southern end of SCP-7913; ground-penetrating radar confirmed inner spatial anomalies. While it is unknown if whether this reading is an accurate figure or hyperbole, testing for accuracy would be inadvisable due to the fact that 1/[REDACTED]th of [REDACTED] exatons would be enough to cause an XK-class end-of-the-world scenario.)
3. (The warehouse containing SCP-7913 does not appear in any official building records in St. Paul. Attempts to chemically date the material of the surrounding warehouse have resulted in the initiation/abbreviation of activation events.)
4. (Current estimate of the room's size is 3m3 — attempts to accurately measure the size have resulted in the time limit of the activation event being shortened.)
5. The camera is powered remotely through anomalous means.
6. At this exact moment in the live feed, SCP-7913's explosive yield increased by one petaton of TNT.