Item #: SCP-5442
Level 2/5442

Object Class: Euclid
Classified

The Ariel Rios Federal Building, Headquarters of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (ATF). SCP-5442-1 is partially visible to the far left.

Special Containment Procedures: A division of Mobile Task Force Dalet-12 ("Arcanists, Demonologists, and Occultists") has been assigned to observe and covertly research SCP-5442-1. As there is no sub-division within the ATF that Dalet-12 can liaise with to conduct their investigation without risking Veil Integrity, several of them have been employed as night janitors at the Ariel Rios Federal Building. Attempts to breach through the terminating wall of SCP-5442-1, and interview any apparitions, are to be made between the hours of 1:00 AM and 4:00 AM.
The full draft of SCP-5442-2 and the contents of SCP-5442-5 are available to any Foundation staff that have sufficient clearance. Individuals with high scores on the Euler-Melborne Memetic Hazard Resistance Test are encouraged to attempt to discern the name of the department in Section 15 of SCP-5442-2.
SCP-5442-3 is contained by Congressional Whips whose loyalty has been proven by exposure to SCP-2140. These individuals are considered Level 1 personnel, and are to be used exclusively for the containment of SCP-5442-3.
SCP-5442-4 is monitored by Foundation Counter-Forensic Accountants. In the event that a purchase is made that requires a physical presence (i.e. items bought from a wholesale store), the nearest available task force is to move in, detain possible witnesses, and seize any video evidence using standard cover story 391 ("Fugitive Spotted in Area").
Description: SCP-5442 is a series of phenomena and documentation connected to a non-existent division of the United States Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (ATF). All instances of SCP-5442 either occur or are recovered in Washington, D.C. The apparent purpose of this organization, designated SCP-5442-A, was to seize and dispose of illicit anomalous pharmaceuticals and weaponry, and arrest individuals involved with the trafficking thereof. In reality, the Unusual Incidents Unit of the FBI typically handles these cases, with aid from the Drug Enforcement Administration's 'Crypto-Pharm' Division.
SCP-5442-1 refers to a vacant corridor on the third floor of the Ariel Rios Federal Building1 in Washington, D.C. Plans for the building indicate the existence of several hundred square meters of office space in the area, as well as an evidence lockup for 'inert materials'. Despite this, the corridor terminates approximately 10 meters sooner than it does on all other floors of the building. Windows looking out from this area are visible from the outside of the Ariel Rios Building; no visible light has been able to penetrate this space, but infrared imaging has displayed a pair of humanoid figures within, one of whom has an internal body temperature high enough that it cannot be estimated using currently available technology.
Individuals working the Ariel Rios building typically avoid SCP-5442-1, due to it being devoid of any office space. However, staff at the Ariel Rios building have reported a variety of phenomena commonly associated with 'hauntings', including:

A tendency for objects of religious significance (i.e. crucifix necklaces, pocket Bibles) to become hot to the touch.
Documents pertaining to the United States Government (i.e. copies of the US Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, presidential inaugural speeches) having their text edited into nonsensical wording.
Individuals developing a belief that bullets are edible and consuming them is beneficial to one's health.
Feelings of severe anxiety over the actions of the Trump administration regarding the US Department of Justice as a whole; these persist even following the inauguration of Joseph R. Biden in 2021.
The appearance of scratches in the shape of thaumaturgical sigils; while seemingly random, several of them correspond to a Tartarean Entity known as 'The Greedy Thing Without Face or Name', known for stealing the appearance, function, and memories of the thing that the individual who summoned it loves the most, in exchange for boons.
An apparition of a masculine African-American individual in their mid-to-late-50's wearing a grey suit, and an American flag pin on their right lapel. This entity speaks in English, and typically warns individuals to stay away from the immediate area for their own safety.
Another apparition, of a █████████████████████████████████ that █████████████ ████ and vocalizes with █████████ wind chimes ███████ feeling of extreme avarice and speaking in tongues for up to ██ hours after exposure.

Attempts to bore, dig through, or otherwise penetrate the wall where SCP-5442-1 terminates have resulted in catastrophic failure, typically due to equipment melting from extreme heat upon digging further than 4cm into the wall. Despite this, ambient temperature in this corridor, and in the corridors and offices above and below SCP-5442-1, display normal temperature readings.

SCP-5442-2 is an anomalous draft of the Foundation's Reagan Plan, intended to be put into effect in early 2017. While listing several members of Foundation personnel who would conceivably be responsible for drafting the Reagan Plan for the Trump administration as authors, no records exist of a petition to draft this document, nor do any of the individuals listed recall writing it. Furthermore, prior to its discovery within a filing cabinet at the J. Edgar Hoover Building2 in October 2017, no digital records of this plan existed.
The Reagan Plan is a catch-all Foundation operation, focused on shutting down and liquidating infrastructure and departments in the United States Government related to the investigation, processing and detention of anomalous individuals and phenomena, in the event that a presidential administration that lacked the ability to comprehend or responsibly use these resources came into power; two official drafts of the Reagan Plan exist3 and while a Reagan Plan for the Trump Administration was considered, it was ultimately deemed unnecessary, due to the Foundation aiding in the creation of the Department of Paranormal Affairs, a governing body for all departments, infrastructure and institutions that deal with anomalous phenomena in the United States in late 2016.
SCP-5442-2 mirrors the previous two Reagan Plans, albeit with updated language and the inclusion of entities formed since the second Reagan plan; however, the entirety of Section 15, making up Pages 49-62, is affected by a memetic anomaly wherein the name of the department it pertains to (likely SCP-5442-A) cannot be perceived. A sample of the documentation has been included below, with redactions included in place of the name of SCP-5442-A.

SECTION 15
Pertaining to the
██████████████████████████████████████
("█.█.█.█")

As a subset of the ATF, ████ has been an invaluable asset in the seizure of anomalous pharmaceuticals and weaponry, and the incarceration of individuals involved with their creation and trafficking. However, several of the items seized by ████, while inert, are still in storage at one of over twenty evidence holding facilities across the United States, including one in the Ariel Rios Building, where they are used as a training aid. Therefore, this stage of REAGAN-2017 will have the following steps:
1) Liquidation of Assets. High-value pieces of anomalous weaponry are to be seized and contained by the Foundation. Anomalous pharmaceuticals and alcohols are to be treated as Class-4 Biohazards for disposal, and disposed of on a case-by-case basis.
2) Assessment of Personnel. In contrast to FBI-UIU, ████ agents have a skillset that is more specialized, and a ████ agent is already largely redundant in the US Government's Infrastructure. (see Subsection 4) . While they have adequate training in interrogation techniques, above-average training in bomb disposal, and are highly fluent in legal jurisdictions across the United States, several members of personnel lack experience in the direct apprehension and handling of more dangerous anomalous entities and items.
2) (con't) Therefore, it has been found that approximately 80% of ████ personnel are not suitable for recruitment into the Foundation or allied Groups of Interest. However, being a part of the ATF, ████ is home to several highly-skilled arson investigators. Particularly of note is Agent Louis Post4 , who developed the 'Post Method' of engaging with pyrokinetic individuals.5 Therefore, it is the opinion of the authors that agents of ████ are divided into two groups: Essential and Non-Essential.
2) (con't) Non-essential personnel include individuals with experience in accounting— i.e. tracking tax fraud, tracking the movements of funds to groups who traffic firearms; individuals with experience in bomb disposal; individuals with experience in evidence cataloging; individuals with experience in para-chemistry; and individuals who are involved in the administration of this department. The last category includes Director Timothy McKnight6. Non-essential personnel are to be amnesticized and re-assigned to other agencies in the US Government. For instructions on essential personnel recruitment, see Subsection 5.
3) Lack of Legal Foundation. The dissolution of ████ has been considered in the past, even outside of previous Reagan Plan drafts. US Law is currently not set up to account for a large amount of weaponry and alcohol, both anomalous and non-anomalous; for example, a non-anomalous flamethrower is legal to own in all fifty states, with restrictions in California and Maryland, and there is currently no legal precedent for restricting the ownership of anomalous weaponry such as the so-called 'Hush Bombs' formerly used by the British Occult Service, which are available on the black market throughout the western hemisphere.

SCP-5442-3 refers to the appearance of SCP-5442-A in various appropriations and budget bills that make their way through the United States Congress on an annual basis. The presence of SCP-5442-A is denoted by the same memetic anomaly found in SCP-5442-2. Every year since its apparent inception, SCP-5442-A has requested over $100 quintillion7 for an array of expenses, including:

Carpet cleaning services ($120,000)
Computer maintenance ($70,000,000)
Keyboard maintenance ($90,000,000,000)
Air conditioning units ($7,000,000)
Doors ($10,000,000,000,000)
'Pope Assassination Squad' (amount redacted in the allocation request)
'Rights to the Corpse of John D. Rockefeller' ($70,000,000)
'Rights to the Corpse of Ronald Reagan' ($90)

To date, Foundation assets in Congress have been successful in excising the offending legislation from budget bills; however, the author of this legislation remains unknown.

SCP-5442-4 refers to a bank account found in the name of 'Timothy McKnight', the alleged director of SCP-5442-A. The credit history of this account ranges back to 2009, where it was opened at the Pentagon Federal Credit Union. No other records of a man named 'Timothy McKnight' in the Washington, D.C. Area exist.
Since 2017, SCP-5442-4 has shown a very large negative amount; despite this, no attempts have been made by PenFed to close the account, or take any other actions such as charging overdraft fees. Furthermore, after January 2017, charges made to the card have little if any pattern to them. Included below is a sample of charges made to SCP-5442-4.

Nov. 7 2016 > Five Guys $23.09
Nov. 8 2016 > No Kisses Bar $107.93
Nov. 9 2016 > Service Bar DC $93.21
Nov. 10 2016 > Taxi Fare $15.31
Nov. 10 2016 > Taxi Fare $13.02
Nov. 10 2016 > Taxi Fare $19.00
Nov. 11 2016 > McDonald's $6.67
…….
Dec. 8 2016 > Kay Jewelers $291.29
Dec. 9 2016 > The Four Seasons DC $110.93
Dec. 11 2016> Transfer8 $80,321.299
…….
Dec. 18 2016 > Hot-Rotic Hotline $40
Dec. 18 2016 > Lady Mileena's Psychic Helpline10 $300
Dec. 20 2016 > Sacred Circle11 $203.93
Dec. 22 2016 > Fuddruckers12 $23.12
……..
Jan. 10 2017 > Transfer > $76,842.30

The transaction on January 10th is notable for three reasons; firstly, it transferred the remainder of McKnight's funds to another account. Second, this account number does not match a valid number in any banking system accessible to the Foundation, but funds can and have successfully been transferred to it. Finally, the transfer was made the day immediately prior to when the Reagan Plan proposed in SCP-5442-2 would have gone into effect.
Following this, transactions have typically been used to buy laboratory equipment, fire suppression systems, chemicals used in the production of pharmaceuticals, bananas, fertilizers, live hares, massive quantities of PDE inhibitors, and pet food. As of January 2021, the account currently sits at a balance of -$50,239,210.12.

SCP-5442-5 is a Samsung Galaxy S4 Smartphone recovered from the grounds of the Ariel Rios Federal Building. No US Government encryption is present on the phone, suggesting it was for personal use rather than professional.
SCP-5442-5 contains several excerpts of thaumaturgical manuscripts saved as photographs. Most of them focus on the summoning of several Tartarean entities, as well as photographs of thaumaturgical ritual setups within an unoccupied office space.
SMS messages displayed on SCP-5442-5 contain a memetic anomaly similar to SCP-5442-2, rendering them unreadable; however, a two-minute long video file exists on SCP-5442-5, which may provide context as to the origin of SCP-5442 as a whole.

00:00 Phone camera is looking up at the ceiling. A large object, appearing to be a computer monitor, flies above it. A crashing sound is heard off-camera. Further crashing sounds occur for the next thirty seconds.
00:32 An African-American male in his mid 50's, with an American flag pin on his right lapel, comes into view and picks up the phone. He holds it towards what appears to be a large cluster of computers, keyboards, monitors, and desks, all floating in a cyclonic pattern in the center of a thaumaturgic circle. Several items appear to be partially melted.

00:43 The camera shakes, and the phone is heard buzzing. The man responds:

"Yeah, Amy said I was married to my job."

Following this, several monitors are thrown across the room. One crashes through the window; however, the camera is filled with digital static, and the window appears repaired in the frame immediately after.
01:07: Further camera shaking. The cyclonic entity attempts to approach the camera. The man responds:

"We had a deal, you son of a bitch. The thing I love the most, in exchange for the rest of my guys getting through this administration intact."

01:13 A keyboard flies directly at the camera. There is a sound of bone crunching, and the phone is dropped. The man curses for several seconds, before picking up the phone with their other hand.

"You really want to go back on the deal? Go ahead, do it, I got what I want! Skippers cancelled their dumbass plans, and they aren't starting them back up anytime soon!"

01:23 The phone buzzes violently. There is a sound of sizzling flesh, and a scream from the man, followed by:

"Okay, look! You take the function of what you steal, right? Look at where we fucking are! The headquarters of a fucking drug agency! You have any idea how much money you could make?"

01:30: The phone stops vibrating. The cyclone stops, with all matter being suspended in midair. A ███████ █████████ ██ ██████████ within, which ████████████ Then, it ███.

"Now, we… technically do alcohol and tobacco. The DEA does the actual drug stuff, but… we can manage, right? We can order stuff. You know how to use a keyboard, yeah?"

The phone buzzes.

"Well then how the hell are you talking to me through my phone? Whatever…"

01:45: The man, still holding his phone, walks over to a keyboard on the ground. Both Shift keys have been destroyed by the impact. He is heard sighing.

"For God and Country."

01:49 The camera turns to the man's face as the video ends. In the background, a sign can be seen on the wall, partially destroyed; it reads:

partm  t of Anom lou Drugs and Ordinan

Footnotes
1. Headquarters of the ATF
2. Headquarters of the Federal Bureau of Investigation
3. One for Ronald Reagan's re-election in 1984, due to his declining mental state; and one for George W. Bush's re-election in 2004, due to his incompetence.
4. An individual of this name was found to be working for the US Government, as an arson investigator for the FBI.
5. No record of such method exists.
6. See documentation on SCP-5442-4
7. An amount that exceeds the current Federal Deficit by a factor of over 3.2 million, and the amount of US Currency in circulation by a factor of 2.7 million.
8. The owner of the account money was transferred to was Amelia Swenson, 53, former Director of FBI-UIU's Art Crime division. They have no knowledge of any individual named Timothy McKnight.
9. Exactly half of the amount of money that was in the account at this time.
10. The call center that this service operated from burned down the day this transaction was made. There were no survivors, and a strong smell of sulfur was present for over a week following the blaze.
11. An occult bookstore in Alexandria, VA.
12. A regional burger chain with a location in Washington, D.C.; this location is notably frequented by several Foundation-USGOV Liaisons.

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