Rock, Paper, Yog-Sothoth


close

Info

X
Yes, the USA Rock Paper Scissors League was a real thing.
Yes, they had commentary.
Yes, it was almost exactly like this.

If you like this, check out some of my other articles:

SCP-3122 (+282)
SCP-4545 (+156)
SCP-4008 (+527)

More by Mortos


Recovered documentation.

Item #: SCP-4633
Anomaly Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: Persons transformed by SCP-4633 are to undergo corrective surgery when possible. If not, they are to be housed in a low-security containment facility until a suitable solution is found.
Recordings of SCP-4633 are to be removed from public sources via standard data censoring protocols if feasible, or otherwise debunked as the result of computer-generated imagery. Witnesses to SCP-4633 are to be amnesticized.
Description: SCP-4633 is an alteration to games of "Rock, Paper, Scissors", in which players can use additional anomalous gestures. The specific gestures added seem to vary between groups of players, though this has proven difficult to track due to the nature of the changes.
Once a game featuring SCP-4633 begins, participants are able to use non-standard gestures which integrate into the existing mechanics of the game. When used, players' hands will undergo rapid and extreme morphological changes, allowing them to correctly perform the final gesture. The resulting forms are typically reminiscent of those found in sea life.
Once complete, these changes are permanent, though those affected appear to suffer no distress at this fact. Surgical correction is possible in rare situations, but where treatment is possible at all, amputation is typically the only viable recourse.
SCP-4633 was originally discovered in an email with the subject "Pro tips to win at rock papper sissors[sic]". The email contained an obviously manipulated image of a man with six arms performing rock, paper and scissors along with three unknown gestures, and was followed by a largely incoherent exposition about the importance of Rock, Paper, Scissors to human culture and the necessity of winning at all costs.
Attempts at tracing these emails have been inconclusive.
Observed SCP-4633 Gestures
The following are examples of anomalous gestures observed over a number of games.

Name1
Alterations
Observed Rules

Rah-kesh-et
Thumb enters the palm of the hand and emerges from the thumbnail of the other hand.
Beats rock and paper, loses to scissors and another unknown gesture.

Sha-nak-nar
Hand turns inside out.
Reversed the usual win/loss pairings of the rest of the game.

Az-rah-vok
Over 20 funnel-shaped orifices lined with pointed teeth manifest on hand and forearm.
Lost to scissors. Each mouth forcefully ejected lamprey teeth at the opposing player for remainder of game. Opponent ultimately won, but was hospitalized for blood loss.

Cha-tek
Hand and forearm split octolaterally into prehensile tentacles connected by skin tissue.
Additional digits allow for a larger variety of gestures to be performed; opponent was forced to use same gesture to maintain parity. Game lasted three hours, during which 37 distinct gestures were performed.

Unknown
Each digit transforms into a bioluminescent Anglerfish lure.
Movement of lures produced hypnotic effect. Prior to each throw, opponent would say what their intended gesture was. Player was ultimately defeated when their opponent used 'Ill-arl-teth'.

Ill-arl-teth
A mass of coral shaped like a hand.
Player proceeded to beat their opponent unconscious with their new limb; it is unclear if this was part of the game.

Unknown
Long spines grow from the back of the hand and arm. Dozens of thin tendrils grow from the underside and palm.
Unknown. Was observed to beat rock.

Incident 4633/1
On 03/04/2011 footage was recovered of an SCP-4633 event supposedly occurring during the 2010 USA Rock Paper Scissors League championship. No records exist of this League championship occurring; the last documented championship was in 2009. Below is a transcript of video footage.

Note: Opening ceremony and player entrances redacted for brevity. All names have been replaced with generic identifiers.

Referee: For this game, "Fth-fa-tog-ryn"2 rules are in effect.
Player 1 and Player 2 nod.
Commentator 1: Okay here we go!
Commentator 2: A duel for the ages here, ladies and gentlemen, the moment the world has been waiting for!
Commentator 1: Did you see that? Player 2, trying to subliminally project scissors there.
Referee: Three, two, one, engage!
Player 1 and Player 2 begin the game motions.
Commentator 2: Let's see if Player 1 picked up on it.
Player 1 performs the "paper" gesture; Player 2 performs the "rock" gesture.
Commentator 1: And he didn't buy it! He's picked up on Player 2's tell! Player 2 is in big trouble here.
Commentator 2: Player 2 has relied on his ability to subliminally influence his opponent's choices for most of this tournament. We'll have to see how he adapts in this final battle now he's been called on it.
Commentator 1: Something interesting to note, Player 2 has thrown far more hands than Player 1 today, so fatigue might become a factor here.
Referee: Three, two, one, engage!
Player 1 and Player 2 begin the game motions.
Commentator 2: We'll see how that affects the proceedings here as- oh, and it's a tie!
Player 1 and Player 2 both perform the "rock" gesture.
Commentator 1: Both players going for the less strenuous option there, rock being the default move.
Commentator 2: Yeah you can really see the strain on Player 2's face here. He's worried, and it shows.
Referee: Three, two, one, engage!
Commentator 2: Can Player 2 salvage some shred of dignity here, or will this first match go to Player 1?!
Player 1 performs the "scissors" gesture. Player 2 performs a non-standard hand gesture. His hand undergoes a rapid transformation into a large crab pincer.
Commentator 1: And he's done it! He's thrown "shuh-gar-gan", which of course beats rock, paper and scissors!
Commentator 2: A bold move there from Player 2 as he takes the round. From the look on Player 1's face, he did not see that one coming!
Commentator 1: That's what I love about this game. You never know where the next surprise is going to come from. Of course, Player 2's options are somewhat limited now that his hand has become a giant crab claw.
Commentator 2: You're right about that one, Commentator 1!
Referee: Three, two, one, engage!
Commentator 2: Here we go now, what could be the final throw of this match.
Player 2 performs an unknown gesture, presumed to be a repeat of the previous "shuh-gar-gan" gesture. Player 1 performs another unknown gesture. His hand transforms into a long spined tentacle.
Commentator 1: And there it is, ladies and gentlemen! Player 1 throws "ght-fer tur-dht", which is of course the only move he could perform to beat "shuh-gar-gan", and takes match one!
Commentator 2: An exciting match, that's for sure! Stay tuned for match 2 where we'll see what these two RPS giants have in store for us! But now, some messages from our sponsors!

Advertisements show for approximately four minutes.

Commentator 1: We're back! And it looks like we're ready to get straight back into things!
Commentator 2: That's right, and the crowd is getting real fired up! Sounds like they're as eager as we are to see if Player 2 can come back from this crushing defeat in the last match.
Referee: Three, two, one, engage!
Both players throw unknown gestures with their affected hands.
Commentator 1: See, this is what I was afraid of, Commentator 2. Player 2 put himself in a real bad position last match by throwing "shuh-gar-gan" so early, and now with that giant claw hand it's the only thing he can do!
Commentator 2: You're right about that, and Player 1's "ght-fer tur-dht" will beat Player 2's hand every time! Player 2 needs a miracle right now, Commentator 1.
The crowd begin loudly chanting "ooo-lee-oth" repeatedly.
Referee: Three, two, one, engage!
Player 1 throws what is assumed to be a repeat of his previous gesture. Player 2 performs a series of anatomically improbable gestures with his claw hand. Crowd chanting intensifies.
Commentator 2: What's this?!
Player 2's body distends, twists and divides. A few seconds later, his body has mutated into a large, ovoid shape with a single large eye in the centre and seven distinct appendages extending radially around the central mass, suspended by a wide, flat foot at the base. One of the appendages is still a large crab claw. The central mass of the body folds over slightly; each appendage moves into a fixed position, forming an unknown gesture.
Commentator 1: Oh my god! I don't believe it! He's done it, and the crowd is going wild!
Commentator 2: This just goes to show you the level of commitment these athletes bring to the sport, Commentator 1. It would have been easy for him to just throw in the towel and call it a day, but instead, fuelled by the energy of the crowd, he's transformed himself into a single gigantic hand! There's no throw a regular human can even perform to beat the "ooo-lee-oth"!
Commentator 1: You're right about that, which leaves Player 1 with exactly one option if they want to stay in this game! Let's see if he has what it takes!
Crowd chanting intensifies.
Referee: Three, two, one, engage!
Player 2's body contorts into an unknown gesture.
Player 1 performs a series of gestures with his mutated hand, his body warping into a form similar to that of Player 2. His body contorts into an unknown gesture.
Commentator 1: He did it! Such dedication! This match is going to go down in history, Commentator 2!
Commentator 2: It sure is! And we're not done yet - we've got a tie right there, so the round continues!
The crowd continues chanting. The match continues for five more throws, each declared a tie, at which point the commentators indicate that advertisements are about to begin, and the footage ends.

Investigation into the footage lead to the discovery and containment of both players from the footage, in the same building in which the game apparently occurred. They no longer appear to require sustenance, and have continued to throw gestures in time with each other, approximately every 30 seconds since containment began.
No further USA Rock Paper Scissors League events have occurred.

Footnotes
1. Approximate phonetic spelling of spoken name; to date, no names have matched words in any known language.
2. Approximate phonetic spelling.

« SCP-4632 | SCP-4633 | SCP-4634 »