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F.A.Q.

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3/4802 LEVEL 3/4802
CLASSIFIED

Item #: SCP-4802

Keter

An active instance of SCP-4802-1

Special Containment Procedures: Due to its already pandemic presence it is not possible to contain SCP-4802.
All Foundation sites are to be equipped with Miller-Harwell Subsonic Avian Agitator Arrays anchored near all facility entrances, shipping and receiving doors, and designated exterior employee break areas.
Members of the general population who report succumbing to the effects of SCP-4802 are to be treated with targetted Class C amnestics in order to counteract the retrograde effects of the anomaly.
Description: SCP-4802 is a cross-species auditory cognitohazard carried by nearly all birds in North America. The effect is transmitted by hearing the songs or calls of an infected bird; however, not all of the infected appear to be active transmitters of the condition. After several hours subjected to an infectious transmitter, individuals will instead interpret the songs and calls of birds as vulgarities, euphemisms, and sexual innuendos.
This effect persists through both live and pre-recorded media including documentaries, television broadcasts, and radio transmissions. Additionally, the hazardous effects of this anomaly retroactively alter human memory starting at the moment of infection and working backward, changing all memories that previously included birds to now contain vulgarity and innuendo.
SCP-4802-1 is the designation for members of SCP-4802 which are capable of spreading the anomalous effect. They are characterized by a willingness to separate from members of their species and seek out other vertebrates in order to spread the cognitohazard. An instance of SCP-4802-1 will gravitate towards population centers for animals and humans, such as farms, apartment buildings, or concourses whenever possible but is capable of spreading its effect to single individuals if given the opportunity.
The instance of SCP-4802-1 will transmit its anomalous bird call from a central location as near its target as safely possible. This behavior is repeated indefinitely until the majority of targets have been fully infected, even if efforts are made to dissuade the bird's return. While the length of time necessary for infection is highly variable, the process requires a cumulative exposure of at least several hours before initial effects begin to take hold. Evidence suggests that affected individuals do not need to be actively listening to the bird call for the anomalous properties to take hold. Passive exposure is sufficient.

Addendum 4802.1
Dateline 1994-11-20. While on approved holiday a Level 3 researcher at Site-19 reported that they had begun experiencing the anomalous effects of SCP-4802 while vacationing in Colorado. The researcher was able to secure the instance of SCP-4802-1 that was believed to have infected him and his family and the object was transported back to research facilities. This instance was identified as an immature female Cooper's Hawk.
An interview was conducted with the instance of SCP-4802-1, where a prepared list of questions was asked by an uninfected researcher. The audio was recorded and then transcribed by the researcher while they were still under the effects of the anomaly. At the conclusion of the interview, the researcher and other infected members of his family were administered amnestics and released. Dr. Morrigan has been placed under 90-day monitoring and allowed to return to his duties.

Interview.001
Translation.001

Hennessy: Hello. I am to read you a list of questions. Please respond clearly into the microphone so we can record your answers. If you are able, please acknowledge.
4802-1: <One short screech>
Hennessy: Are you aware that you are carrying an infection?
4802-1: <Unintelligible screeching>
Hennessy: Are you aware that you are infecting others?
4802-1: <Several low-tone caws>
Hennessy: Is the infection painful for you?
4802-1: <Unintelligible screeching>
Hennessy: Thank you, this interview is concluded.

Researcher's Note: Per the translating researcher, this Cooper's Hawk speaks with a strong Brooklyn accent.

Hennessy: Hello. I am to read you a list of questions. Please respond clearly into the microphone so we can record your answers. If you are able, please acknowledge.
4802-1: <MAN, FUCK OFF RIGHT THE FUCK OUTTA HERE>
Hennessy: Are you aware that you are carrying an infection?
4802-1: <HEY ARE YOU AWARE YOUR WIFE IS A FLEA-RIDDEN GUTTER-SKANK>
Hennessy: Are you aware that you are infecting others?
4802-1: <YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL, DIRTBAG>
Hennessy: Is the infection painful for you?
4802-1: <NO MORE THAN THE POUNDING I GAVE YOUR WIFE LAST NIGHT>
Hennessy: Thank you, this interview is concluded.

Interview.002
Translation.002

Hennessy: Hello. I am to read you some more questions. Please respond clearly into the microphone and try not to yell so loud. This is an enclosed room and we are all perfectly capable of hearing you.
Hennessy: Now then…do you know who infected you?
4802-1: <Rapid cawing>
Hennessy: Are you able to tell who has already been infected?
4802-1: <One long caw accompanied by wing flapping>
Hennessy: Are you feeling any differently since you've been detained?
4802-1: <Unintelligble screeching>
Hennessy: If we were to release you, what would you do?
4802-1: <Unintelligble screeching>
Hennessy: Thank you, this interview is concluded.

Hennessy: Hello. I am to read you some more questions. Please respond clearly into the microphone and try not to yell so loud. This is an enclosed room and we are all perfectly capable of hearing you.
Hennessy: Now then…do you know who infected you?
4802-1: <I DUNNO BITCH BUT I'M ABOUT TO INFECT THAT ASS WITH THIS DICK>
Hennessy: Are you able to tell who has already been infected?
4802-1: <YO THIS DUDE RIGHT HERE WITH THE CROTCH ROT>
Hennessy: Are you feeling any differently since you've been detained?
4802-1: <YEAH I'M FINNA NUT ALL UP ON YOUR FACE>
Hennessy: If we were to release you, what would you do?
4802-1: <I WOULD FUCK YOU, DALE, AND THAT FUCKING HIDEOUS TOUPEE>
Hennessy: Thank you, this interview is concluded.

Interview Log 4802.3
Dateline 1985-03-17. An audio recording was recovered from Foundation archives at Site-19. Although the specific origin of this anomaly is inconclusive, this is the earliest record within the Foundations possession. Based on models for the spread of communicable diseases, this interview is believed to have been conducted within two years of the anomaly's genesis.

+ Open Interview Log

- Exit Interview Log

<BEGIN RECORDING>

Interview took place at a Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources field office near Wausau, Wisconsin. Two DNR officers interviewed a farmer who had been complaining about near constant screaming around his property. Fearing mountain lions, the DNR investigated and found none.
After an investigation was concluded, reports sent up the chain were intercepted by Foundation plants within the State government and field agents were brought in for investigation. The following transcript is between the farmer, Joseph Wiegel, and Agent Samuel Effinger.
Agent Effinger: "Joseph, my friends and I are interested in hearing about when all of this started."
Joseph Wiegel: "The screamin'? About three nights ago."
Agent Effinger: "That's it? Just out of the blue like that?"
Joseph Wiegel: "Well, no."
There is a lengthy pause presumable accompanying non-verbal cues that prompt Mr. Wiegel to continue. Commotion can be heard as Joseph shifts in his seat and pulls it closer to the table.
Joseph Wiegel: "I saw it first out in the milking parlor. Right there on the dead oak by the door. Noticed it, not saw it, sorry."
Agent Effinger: "It's fine. What drew your attention?"
> Joseph Wiegel: "There was this bird about 5am. Sparrow, I think. Sitting in the tree doin' what birds do. I was just about to pass into the milking parlor when I heard a real short pained yip come from over by the tree. Like someone kicked the dog; real sharp soundin'. Anyway, so I stop and back up, look over there where I saw it. Nothin' but the bird in the tree. Little shit just ruffles up like I'm the rude one fer lookin' and then he does it again. 'FUCK YOU!', the little shit screams. Shook my head and moved on. Cows needed milkin'. and I don't have time for that nonsense."
Agent Effinger: "So what led to you eventually calling the DNR in?"
Joseph Wiegel: "Well it was damn near constant by that night. I heard some more on my way back to the house. Sitting in the mudroom taking my boots off, I could swear I heard it real loud n' clear somewhere near the house. Sounded like a big mess of kids out there havin' a party, so I grabbed my gun and went out; couldn't take the chance they was hoodlums lookin' to mess with my animals."
Agent Effinger: "And so you found…?"
Joseph Wiegel: "Lots of 'em out there. Wasn't sure what was going on so I headed for the closest ones I could make out. Crows, fellas. It was just a mess of crows screaming their heads off like they was people. They were sayin' the nastiest things that'd make any preacher this side of the Mighty Mississippi turn redder than a turnip."
Agent Effinger: "And you're sure you weren't just hallucinating?"
Joseph Wiegel: "On my Mother. My wife thought I was proper crazy and I didn't tell the kids at all. But come two days later over lunch…I nearly slammed the paper down so frustrated for a moment of peace and quiet. Put everyone on edge, but my youngest daughter, she looked up at me. 'You hear it too?' she asked. Her big brown eyes, I couldn't stick to the lie. Good thing, 'cuz it turns out all of us were hearing it."
Agent Effinger: "Mister Wiegel, have you considered the possibility of moving?"
Joseph Wiegel: "Like to another house?"
Agent Effinger: "No, like another farm. Out of state somewhere."
Joseph Wiegel: "I tell ya what, fellas. By the third morning, the thought had definitely crossed my mind. I don't know how much more of this I can take. It's constant. All hours of the day, starting when I get up. And..and I can't even remember a breakfast anymore where I didn't hear them. I…there was a fishing trip I took last August. All I can remember about it is the fucking screams. Why didn't I remember them before?"
Joseph Wiegel: "That was my last vacation with my son before he left for college and…they took that from me."
Agent Effinger: "We understand, Mister Wiegel. We're going to do what we can to get your farm back."

<END RECORDING

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