PeppersGhost

SCP-9343 - Taco Man by PeppersGhost

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Item #: SCP-3943
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-3943 is to be regularly promoted among demographics who are generally inclined to be cooperative with food service employees and to leave positive feedback for said employees.
SCP-3943-1 is to receive regular training in performing its service duties in an expert capacity and in a sexually attractive manner. Any businesses occupying the floors of SCP-3943-3 must include an employee policy restricting the discussion of American or Mexican politics.
Mechanical devices may be provided to SCP-3943-1 in the event that its displacement restricts the necessary movement of its available arm in performing its service duties.
Description: SCP-3943 refers to an anomaly which affects an entity resembling a Filipino-American male (SCP-3943-1)1 and a standard taco vending cart (SCP-3943-2)2 which are laterally displaced partway into the side of a commercial building (SCP-3943-3) in the Paseo district of Oklahoma City.
As of present writing, SCP-3943-1 merges with the building on the left side of its body at a precise vertical angle extending at a point 4mm to the right of the crown of the head, down to the corresponding points in the soft palate, shoulder, pelvis, and so forth. SCP-3943-1 and SCP-3943-2 are only visible from the exterior of SCP-3943-3, even when the depth of displacement would logically imply its emergence on the opposite side of the façade.
Despite the immobility caused by this displacement, SCP-3943-1 displays no physical discomfort, and has expressed extreme fear at the prospect of being forcefully extricated from the architecture. SCP-3943-2 is consistently stocked with the goods needed to construct any taco requested by a patron, even if said taco includes ingredients which are uncommon or even inedible. Tostadas are also available on request.
Any individual who encounters SCP-3943 will not be conscious of any abnormalities unless informed of them beforehand, and will understand any vocalizations SCP-3943-1 attempts to convey, regardless of speech impediments caused by its physical restrictions.
SCP-3943 will be displaced 1mm further into the building if any of the following circumstances occur:

No tacos are sold on a given day.3
A patron pronounces the word "tortilla" with a hard L sound.
Someone orders a product which cannot be considered either a taco or tostada.
The governmental politics of either the United States or Mexico are mentioned in casual conversation with SCP-3943-1 or within SCP-3943-3.
A patron orders a taco for the primary purpose of extricating SCP-3943-1 from the building.
SCP-3943-1 takes more than 1 minute to serve a patron their ordered meal.
SCP-3943-1 accepts a tip that is less than twice the value of the goods purchased by the patron.

SCP-3943 will be displaced 1mm further away from the building if any of the following circumstances occur:

100 unique customers per month are served.
20 unique customer surveys4 are filled out with positive feedback.
SCP-3943-1 receives a kiss5 from a unique individual who feels a sincere sexual attraction to SCP-3943-1 as a result of its customer service.
A civilian with no prior convictions is devoured by an adult female lion within a 12m radius of SCP-3943.6
SCP-3943-1 constructs a taco which perfectly resembles the example photo displayed on the front of SCP-3943-2.
An individual of any gender strips naked within visual range of SCP-3943-1.
SCP-3943-1 accepts a tip in excess of twice the cost of the product served.

Any situation which causes further displacement into SCP-3943-3 will cause SCP-3943-1 significant physical and emotional distress. Any individual who has prior awareness of the anomalous properties of SCP-3943 will be unable to affect its displacement in either direction.
Despite the general inability to open or close its jaw, SCP-3943-1 will attempt to consume (or express an interest in consuming) any soft organic matter held within close proximity7 of its face, including living human tissue. Individuals within close proximity to SCP-3943-1 have described it as having a slightly sweet body odor.8
Interview Log: The following interview was conducted on the 19th of August, 2018, at 1:30 pm. Please note that transcription of SCP-3943-1's speech is only approximate, due to the severe nature of its impediments.

Interviewed: SCP-3943-1
Interviewer: Dr. Pepperino
[Begin log]
Dr. Pepperino: Good evening. Having difficulty sleeping?
SCP-3943-1: Yeah. You'd think after all this time, it'd get easier to sleep standing up, stuck inside a wall, but nope. The struggs is real, my man.
Dr. Pepperino: If you don't mind me asking, how did you end up in your current state?
SCP-3943-1: Not sure. I'd been working out here for a couple years. One day I was just leaning against the wall and I found that the pinky on my left hand was stuck inside. After that it just got worse.
Dr. Pepperino: I'm sorry to hear that. How are you holding up?
SCP-3943-1: I wish my family would visit more. They only visit a couple times a week, and when they do, it's for twenty minutes max. I think my marriage is at the breaking point. Haven't been spending enough time at home, you know.
Dr. Pepperino: And how long has this been going on?
SCP-3943-1: God, I don't know. It's hard to remember a time I haven't been here. Barely remember being a kid. But you know, the past isn't important. I just think about my future, where I'll be when I get out of here. You feel me?
Dr. Pepperino: I hear you loud and clear. Do you remember any other unusual events occurring prior to finding yourself in your current predicament?
SCP-3943-1: Hmm. The night before this started, I had a dream where I was a lion in ancient Rome, and there were all these gladiators around me. I ate them one by one, scraping every morsel of flesh from their bones with the rough edge of my tongue. I was glad to see their loved ones weep at the sight. But besides that, nothing unusual, no.
Dr. Pepperino: Okay. Moving on from that, anything else you'd like to comment for the record?
SCP-3943-1: Yeah, man. Flamingo meat may not sound like your average taco staple, but it's sublime with cilantro. And I dunno if "long pork" is your thing, but Lawrence Fishburne's right kidney on a blue corn tortilla with all the fixings and Oriental crab sauce? I know how it sounds, but it is the shit, man. Trust me. I've tried a lot, and nothing's beat that.
Dr. Pepperino: The right kidney, specifically?
SCP-3943-1: It's just a hair tangier. Take my word for it, I been here long enough to know.
Dr. Pepperino: I'll be sure to make a note of that. Thank you very much for your time.
SCP-3943-1: No worries. Now what can I get you tonight?
[End log]

Footnotes
1. SCP-3943-1 claims to be an individual named █████ ██████ from Ada, OK, though no corresponding individual exists in any available records.
2. Branding on the signage refers to "Real Talk Tacos", which does not correspond to any registered business. However, a maker's mark on the underside of the cart indicates an affiliation with YWTGTHFT.
3. Tostada sales are irrelevant in this event.
4. URL provided at the bottom of receipts generated by SCP-3943-2.
5. The location of the kiss on SCP-3943-1's body is irrelevant as long as it comes in contact with bare skin.
6. Mentioned among the other rules on a list posted to the back of SCP-3943-2. As of writing, this scenario remains untested.
7. Typically between 5 to 15 centimeters.
8. Specifically described as ‘like honeycomb nestled in fresh blood' on several occasions.

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