LiterallyMechanical

The Almanack, by LiterallyMechanical
For the rest of my work, check out LiterallyMechanical's Author Page
A few of my favorites:

SCP-5236 — Ethics Committee Inquest
SCP-4163 — The Tetris Prodigy
SCP-4357 — Slimelord

Item #: SCP-3163
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-3163 is to be kept in a secure Site-19 storage locker. On the first of every month, the full text of SCP-3163 is to be recorded and correlated with current astronomical and meteorological data, as observed from central Pennsylvania. SCP-3163 is to be monitored on a daily basis for unexpected edits or updates, and any such deviations are to be appended to its monthly record.
Description: SCP-3163 is a hardbound book, entitled "GLATTFELDER'S NEW NORTHTON ALMANACK." SCP-3163 displays significant signs of wear and use, the most prominent of which are overlapping stains on the rear cover, identified as coffee, beer, and blood. While the anomalous nature of SCP-3163 precludes precise dating of its year of publication, chemical and historical analyses of the book indicate that SCP-3163 was manufactured in late-nineteenth or early-twentieth century America.
The interior and cover texts of SCP-3163 are mutable, though they consistently maintain the semantic structure of a farmer's almanac. The interior text updates itself on the first day of the month, and while the title text itself never changes, the year indicated by the subheading increments by one every January 1st. As of 01/01/2017, the subheading reads "TRUE AND USEFUL PREDICTIONS FOR THE YEAR OF OUR LORDE'S ASCENSION, TWO-HUNDRED AND NINETY-FOUR."
The first page of SCP-3163 takes the form of a short message, addressed to "My Dearest Acolytes and Friends" and signed by "Henry Ian Glattfelder." There are no records of a Henry Ian Glattfelder residing in the United States of America, living or deceased. The text of the message, reproduced in full in Research Log 3163-A, has remained constant through each update. The text of the message was observed to change into its current configuration on 09/01/2017. Research Log 3163-A has been updated to reflect this anomaly.
There are no records of a town or county named New Northton in the United States of America, though astronomical and meteorological predictions within SCP-3163 indicate that New Northton should be located in central Pennsylvania. However, while the timing of real-world eclipses, planetary transits, and lunar cycles are consistent with the text of SCP-3163, the item contains additional references to "Nix, the Void-Star of Our Lorde." According to SCP-3163, Nix should occupy a solar orbit between Saturn and Uranus. No such object has been detected by historical or modern astronomical surveys.
Though the monthly horoscopes given by SCP-3163 usually offer the mundane platitudes and suggestions typical of the genre, some unusual entries have been noted. A sample of such entries is listed below, in Research Log 3163-B.
As of 09/25/2017, Foundation astronomers and meteorologists have pinpointed the hypothetical location of New Northton to within a 3000 square kilometer area. Mobile Task Force █ is prepped to explore this area and, if possible, infiltrate New Northton in late October, 2017.
Following loss of contact with Mobile Task Force █, Mobile Task Force ███ is to be deployed for reconnaissance and armed intervention to the coordinates provided by Mobile Task Force █ prior to their disappearance.
Following loss of contact with Mobile Task Force ███, the O5 Council initiated Protocol Tipsy Eagle. The United States Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives has been alerted through back-channels to the presence of large weapon stockpiles in the suspected area of New Northton, and Mobile Task Force ██ will be deployed for non-combat cleanup operations following Federal intervention.

► Research Log 3163-A: Introductory text

▼ Research Log 3163-A: Introductory text

Introductory text of SCP-3163, pre-09/01/2017

My Dearest Acolytes and Friends,
As the Lorde of Nocturne did bestowe the Wisdome of Ages unto Me, so too do I bestowe unto You, Citizens of New Northton, this modest Almanack. The astronomical Calculations and Predictions contained herein shall aid You in the Upkeep of your Farms, ensure the Prosperity of your Shoppes, and guide You in the Businesses of Family, Commerce, and Worship.
Those who have kept the Faithe of Our Lorde of Nocturne alive and well into the Modern Worlde are, indeed, blessèd in His Sight. Good Citizens of New Northton, my Friends and Students in the Way of Our Lorde, I beseech You to hold that Faithe dear in your Hearts, for then surely You will prosper and flourish in the World that is to come. Though we know not the Daye of His Arrival, the Void-Star grows ever brighter Night after Night, a sure Sign of His burgeoning Immanence. Praise Him, Worship Him, and guide your Neighbors in such Activities befitting of His Glory.
With the aide of this holy Book, whose Text is inspired in Me direct from the Light of the Void-Star, New Northton has been a prosperous Township since its Founding in the First Year of Our Lorde. As we are now a goode and respectable Beacon of Faithe on this blasphemous Earth, we shall be raised unto the Greatest Glory of Our Lorde when he returns from the deepest Reaches of the Void. Truly, as His Children, we are the most fortunate little Towne in all of America.
Your Neighbor, your Mayor, and your highest Priest of the Lorde of Nocturne,
Henry Ian Glattfelder

Updated introductory text of SCP-3163, as of 09/01/2017

My Dearest Acolytes and Friends,
Catastrophie has befallen our Towne! The Lorde of Nocturne, in His great Wisdome, has informed Me that there is a most dastardly Spye with a Copy of our holy Almanack. The wretched and blasphemous "Special Containment Procedures Foundation" is even now reading the Wordes that I am transcribing onto these humble pages, and their foul Plots and Schemes are a most grievous Insult to the Prosperity and Happiness of you, the blessèd Citizens of New Northton.
To you, my devoted and loving Acolytes, take heed! The United States of America, though ignorant of the Will of our Lorde, has seen fit to enshrine the Right of Arms unto us all. It is time to take Advantage of that Right, and prepare to fight Tooth and Naile when the Heretics arrive to stamp out the Faithe of Our Lorde of Nocturne. Do not fear! Blessèd under the Holy Light of Nix, the Void-Star vun Haerrnacht, we shall be as the great Founders of our Towne, who drove off the Heathen Indians from our land with our fierce Resistance.
And to you, creatures of Blasphemy who spye upon our modest Worship, I give you this warning: Do not meddle with the Affairs of the humble Towne of New Northton, for we will fight to the last Man, Woman, and Child to defend the Faithe of our Lorde of Nocturne. We shall not surrender, we shall give no Quarter, and will shall show no Mercy. Your Bloode will stain the Black Altar of our Lorde, granting us even more Strength! If you know what is goode for You, stay away!
Your Neighbor, your Mayor, and your highest Priest of the Lorde of Nocturne,
Henry Ian Glattfelder

► Research Log 3163-B: Selected horoscopes

▼ Research Log 3163-B: Selected horoscopes

Selected horoscopes of SCP-3163, 2013 to Present

December 2013
SAGITTARIUS: It would behoove You to beware the Meddling of misbehaving Women this Monthe. Should such a Woman seek to bother your Marriage, bring her to the Black Altar and spill her Lifeblood for the Glory of our Lorde.

January 2014
TAURUS: Mercury rising in your Sign this Monthe indicates a great Windfall of Wealthe in your near Future. Bob Gottfried, the Cashier of the General Store on Maple Street, has blasphemed. Form a Posse to show him the Vengeance and Fury of our Lorde of Nocturne at your earliest Convenience.
LIBRA: Avoid any long Journeys over Water this Monthe, or Calamity may befall You. If you have an extra Mouth to Feed this Winter, consider sacrificing your youngest Child on the Black Altar.

August 2015
DRACONIS: Congratulations! Nix, the Void-Star, is shining in your Sign this Monthe! Great Prosperity will come to your Shoppe or Farm, though do not fall to Sin or Indulgence or your Wife and Children shall most surely die in great Payne.

February 2016
LEO: Alas! Great Misfortune will befall your romantic Endeavours this Monthe, unless you ferret out a Blasphemer from our Towne and sacrifice Him (or Her!) upon the Black Altar.

April 2017
ARIES: Beware Slothfulness in your First-Born Son this Monthe. Should his Misbehavior inconvenience you, it is fitting to remove a Finger or Two from the miscreant's left Hand.

October 2017
GEMINI: I have identified the Citizen who misplaced his Copy of this humble Almanack in a Trip to Philadelphia, thus allowing It to fall into the Hands of the dastardly Special Containment Procedures Foundation. It is none other than Albert Ross, the Owner of the Grocery Store on Willow Street. Form the usual Posse, and slay his Family as Punishment.
LIBRA: Alas! Agents of the so-called Special Containment Procedures Foundation will come to your House this Monthe! Lie waiting in your Field or Attic, and dispatch them with great Haste for the Glory of our Lorde.

November 2017
LIBRA: The dastardly Spyes of the Special Containment Procedures Foundation were vanquished by your hard Work and Faithe, but this is not the Last we have seen of Them! In preparation, purchase more Guns and Ammunition from Bob Blake's Firearms Store, and forsake his Competitor, Wal-Mart, in the next Towne over.

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