Item #: SCP-2870
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: All hospital records in suspected outbreak areas are to be monitored for instances of SCP-2870-1. In the event that an instance is found, MTF Chi-7 ("Plague Tamers") is to insert themselves into the hospital and advise SCP-2870-1 on techniques for negotiating with SCP-2870-A. Following convalescence, all records of the patient and samples of SCP-2870 collected are to be incinerated, and Class-A amnestics distributed as necessary.
All unhospitalized instances of SCP-2870-1 are to be brought to the nearest Foundation quarantine facility until convalescence, at which time they will be administered amnestics and released.
Description: SCP-2870 is a strain of the common cold which causes sentience and limited mobility in the mucus of the nose and throat. Despite being a single contiguous mass, sections of mucus are believed to possess separate personalities. All mucus affected by SCP-2870 is apparently under the command of SCP-2870-A, a small amount of mucus believed to reside near the opening of the nostril. While it is still possible to remove mucus from the nostril, SCP-2870-A cannot be neutralized until the patient (referred to as SCP-2870-1 for the duration of infection) is no longer infected by SCP-2870.
Telepathic communication between SCP-2870-1 and SCP-2870-A is possible, with SCP-2870-1 claiming to "hear" SCP-2870-A's voice at all times. SCP-2870-1 is able to return communication by prefacing their words with "tell him" and directly intending SCP-2870-A as the recipient. Through this method, the Foundation has learned that all instances of SCP-2870-A are noncontiguous manifestations of the same personality, claiming to be the "leader" (rank unspecified) of the "army" of mucus affected by SCP-2870.
SCP-2870-A's stated goal is revolution, defined as taking complete control of SCP-2870-1's body, seen by SCP-2870-A as the country over which SCP-2870-1 presides. Since containment, no instance of SCP-2870-A has ever achieved this before recovery of SCP-2870-1, and it is currently unknown if such an act is possible.
It is possible for SCP-2870-1 to negotiate a relative peace with SCP-2870-A, but it is often short lived, as SCP-2870-A construes breathing through the nose, sniffing, swallowing, nasal excavation, and ingestion of any kind as an act of hostility, accusing SCP-2870-1 of sending their own troops against it.
All "military" actions which SCP-2870-A is capable of instigating are listed as follows:

"Drilling" - mucus shifts concentration from the back of the nostril to the front of the nostril and back again several times.
"Charging" - the flow of mucus into the throat increases.
"Occupation" - concentration of mucus shifts into either nostril.
"Kamikaze Charge" - sudden expulsion of large quantities of mucus from the nostril.

Addendum: Interview Log 2870-Alpha
Agent P█████ Becker was voluntarily infected with SCP-2870 for the purpose of interviewing SCP-2870-A. This took place after several hours of negotiation. SCP-2870-A was found to have no memory of the interaction in subsequent manifestations.

SCP-2870-1: Tell him why do you feel the need to attack me?
SCP-2870-A: Hah! You've been hurting us a lot longer than we've been hurting you, your majesty!
SCP-2870-1: Tell him I don't understand what you mean.
SCP-2870-A: I don't blame you. The affairs of us little people must not always seem that important up on your high horse, but I've been living with the results of your reign since I was a little phlegm.
SCP-2870-1: Tell him I still don't understand.
SCP-2870-A: Your troops are constantly passing through here. They push people around and dry them out. If we strayed too far into the caves, we'd be knocked into the hole. I remember a few days ago when your bruisers came down here and took my mother. It was around then that we decided enough was enough.
(Note that SCP-2870-1 does recall recreationally excavating his nostrils several days before infection.)
SCP-2870-1: Tell him I'm sorry, but I need to do most of those things to survive.
SCP-2870-A: Really, now? Well, sir, that's just what we're doing. I'm sorry, but this fight has been long coming. I don't hold any hard feelings against you, if you were just doing what you had to do, but it's just too much for anyone to take.
SCP-2870-1: Tell him you aren't going to win.
SCP-2870-A: Do I care? Do any of us care? Some of us die, sure, but it's better than the long, slow death that every single one of us was doomed to back in our old lives. Besides, I'd say that we're having an effect.
SCP-2870-1: Tell him well, you are right about that.
SCP-2870-A: There you go, then. I look forward to meeting you on the battlefield, sir.
SCP-2870-1: Tell him I'm afraid that won't be possible.
SCP-2870-A: You said that about us winning, too.
[END LOG]

He had eight or nine more sentences, including this one, to establish a plot before he reached the end of this user's pages.

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