SCP-2923: X-Men Syndrome

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F.A.Q.

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Item #: SCP-2923
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: Instances of SCP-2923 are to be locked in Site-51 Site-11's Anomalous Item Storage Locker. This locker is accessible via doubly redundant keycard access locks restricted to personnel with 2/2923 clearance. Following Incident 2923-02, testing has been suspended.
Description: SCP-2923 is a collection of protein bars (SCP-2923-1 to -12), each of which produce a variety of anomalous effects in humans once consumed. The name "Dr. Wondertainment's Protein POWER-UP BarsTM", are printed on the wrappers of each instance, along with a listed flavor. A short blurb advertising the item is located on the undersides of the wrappers:

Dazzle your friends! Frighten your enemies! With Wondertainment, for-real superpowers are but a bite away! Now you too can experience the thrill of saving the day! Twelve amazing flavors, twelve INCREDIBLE powers!

Incident Report SCP-2923-01: A box containing 144 (12 of each instance) bars of SCP-2923 was found on Dr. Ackles's doorstep on 10/12/1986. A temporary corruption of the security footage between 02:00-02:05 hindered investigation into the origin of the package, and no fingerprints or traces of DNA were left behind during the delivery. Dr. Ackles contacted containment personnel for retrieval upon recognition of the brand name.
Excerpt from testing logs

Instance/Label
Test/Results

-11/Mental Meringue!
Six minutes after ingesting the instance, D-9661 began to complain of hearing dozens of voices. Contents of their speech was reportedly limited to half-formed sentences, self-conscious inquiry, snippets of popular songs, and inane conversations interspersed with perverse statements. Repeated testing yielded similar results, though on the seventh trial D-9205 became privy to information regarding a Thaumiel-Class object. All -11 subjects were terminated due to the possibility of an internal information breach.

-03/Pyrokinetic Pineapple!
Five minutes after consuming the instance, subjects begin to excessively perspire. The subjects then spontaneously erupt into flames. Death ensues within minutes, and the anomalous effect ceases. Analysis of the remains has revealed that the subjects' sweat glands begin producing triethylborane. During the third test of this flavor, the subject did in fact prove to be immune to the heat generated by its own flame. Unfortunately, this subject expired due to its flame consuming all available oxygen.

-05/X-Raisin!
Subject reported being capable of seeing through surrounding materials, and testing revealed their eyes to be emitting ionizing radiation. Over the next few days, the subject was rendered blind as a result of damage to their corneas.

-09/Temporal Toffee!
No effects were visible twenty minutes after consumption. D-7473 was then instructed by the attending supervisor to attempt to travel one minute into the future. D-7473 vanished from testing area after a brief period of intense concentration, and did not reappear at the designated time. The subject was later located by researchers stationed at Lunar Area-32, approximately 4,000 km from Earth.

-06/Peanut-Brawler Crunch!
Subject underwent a rapid increase in muscle mass, gaining over 100 kg in a matter of seconds. This experience caused the subject's epidermis to stretch and rupture in several areas, and the subject expired due to blood loss.

-04/Coconut Cream Piebeam!
Subject reported an unfamiliar ocular sensation, and after a moment of concentration, subject produced a concussive energy blast from her eyes. The recoil from said blast was sufficient to snap the subject's neck, killing her instantly.

-07/Yummy Gummy Taffy Toffee!
Subject displayed extreme full-body malleability, exhibiting the ability to contort and twist herself into several knots and shapes. The subject attempted to determine the limits of this new-found capability, by flattening and stretching her body along the northern wall of the testing chamber. The subject proved unable to resume her original form, and expired a short time later. Cause of death appeared to be a result of ischemic hypoxia.

-01/Machmallow!
[DATA EXPUNGED], it took several days for all traces of the subject to be removed from the chamber.

Incident Report SCP-2923-02
The following note was found within the folder previously containing physical copies for SCP-2923 test logs in Site-11's secure files storage room.

To our dearest friends at the Fun-dation,
On the behalf of Wondertainment, and children the world over, we would like to formally thank you! It is only through rigorous product testing that we at Wondertainment may ensure the safety of our fine customers. As your organization have been a Wonderfully major supporter in the past (Don't think we don't know who has our full supply of Gusho-Squisho Squeeze 'Em Smack 'Em Twisty Tutti-Frutti Retrocausal Gummi WormsTM!), and due to you employing the largest amount of Delicatessen-Class in this or any other plane, we figure it's high time we rewarded your patronage! (Yay, friendship!!!)
Why, if it weren't for the Wonderful Testing Prowess of your assuredly egg-headed Misters and Missus, who knows what harm might befall our innocent consumers?!? Now, with some minor modifications, we may finally release our Protein POWER-UP BarsTM to delight of children everywhere! We eagerly look forward to working with you again!
Ever in Wonder,
Berkshire Swash (Head of the Sweets & Consumables Department)

A RAISA investigation into the theft of SCP-2923's secure files revealed that Site-11 had been infiltrated by an unknown entity (SCP classification pending). Security footage suffered the same deterioration previously documented at Dr. Ackles's residence. Personnel within Site-11 were questioned, and gave conflicting reports of the intruder. Though the entity's physical appearance, gender and race varied, it was uniformly reported to be a Level 5 Researcher by the name of Dr. Kasich. This was confirmed false, as no such person is employed at the Foundation. Upgraded security measures have subsequently been implemented, and Mobile Task Force Xi-1964 (Slugworth's Sizzlers) has been briefed on SCP-2923 and its potential future production and circulation.

Footnotes
1. Personnel are to be reminded that there is no Site-5.

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