Item #: SCP-1622
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: At time of writing, 7 kg. of SCP-1622 is at Site-██ in a cold storage chamber which superficially resembles a sunlit wooden pantry. SCP-1622 is to be alone on its shelf; other shelves in the same chamber are to carry varying amounts of Pule, Gold Stilton, and Caciocavallo Podolico cheeses. On no account are the other cheeses to be removed from SCP-1622's chamber. Transportation to and from testing is to be carried out solely by D-class personnel, on a gilded platter of pure silver, with a dish cover of same. Testing itself is to take place in a specified chamber furnished to resemble any restaurant with three Michelin stars.
All Balaenoptera musculus migration routes are to be monitored for unusual activity. Any persons attempting to harvest milk from a Balaenoptera musculus are to be interrogated as to their purpose and administered Class-B amnestics.
Description: SCP-1622 is a semihard cheese made from the milk of the Balaenoptera musculus (commonly known as the blue whale). It is white, with a smooth, slightly grainy texture. Taste testing with D-Class has determined that it is universally palatable, complimenting and enhancing dishes of all major flavor profiles. All subjects tested have described SCP-1622's flavor as "delicious", "perfect", etc., but have been unable to precisely define the exact taste. Tests reveal no anomalies in the chemical makeup of SCP-1622, and it is currently believed that the process of making it is the source of its effects. Despite █ years in containment, SCP-1622 has not rotted.
SCP-1622's anomalous effects, aside from the taste itself, center around its storage, preparation, and consumption, and will not manifest when the total cost of preparing a meal containing or consisting of SCP-1622 is greater than US$97,250. This includes the average cost of ingredients, all furnishings in the environment in which it is served, the utensils used in preparation and consumption, and the average restaurant price of the dish that it has been used in1. Subjects consuming SCP-1622 in this fashion demonstrate no unusual behaviors aside from a marked dislike of other cheeses. This is believed to be due to the superior flavor of SCP-1622, and is not considered anomalous.
SCP-1622's anomalous effects manifest when prepared for a cost lower than US$97,250. Upon initial consumption of SCP-1622, subjects will react as though they have been slapped firmly on the cheek with an open palm. Despite this, most subjects will continue to eat. After the initial slap, subjects will show significantly lowered intellect, decreased self-consciousness, impairment of linguistic skills, and an inability to understand social norms. The strength of this effect is inversely proportional to the total cost of preparation. The quantity consumed following initial slap does not cause the effect to increase in strength.
Addendum 1622-1: Recovery Log
On ██/██/████, several reports of extremely odd behavior among residents of several towns in the Northeastern United States came to the attention of the Foundation through a standard data sweep. Questioning revealed that all affected civilians had eaten at several restaurants in the area. Searches of the area yielded stores of SCP-1622 at all restaurants mentioned as well as three that had not been. The current cost limit of SCP-1622's effects was extrapolated from the purchase records of all civilians that had consumed SCP-1622 as well as the total cost of the restaurants' furnishings. The owners of the restaurants reported that they had received SCP-1622 as part of an experimental survey from █████ Foods Inc.2. Class-A amnestics were distributed and a cover story disseminated involving mercury poisoning.

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All tests mentioned below take place in a testing chamber furnished according to the Containment Procedures unless otherwise noted. The total cost of furnishings equal US$56,280

Subject: D-1622-1
Test Procedure: SCP-1622 baked into a fruit tart. Notable ingredients include premium Yubari melon and edible gold leaf. Served with gold-plated silver utensils on antique china.
Total Cost: US$98,623.85
Results: Subject remarked that the tart was, "the most delicious thing I've ever tasted." When asked to describe the exact flavor of SCP-1622, subject was unable to elaborate further than "delicious." Expressed a desire for more, and refused other cheeses when offered. No other effects.
Notes: The results of this test will be used as a control as we slowly lower the cost of the dish. -Researcher Ryan

Subject: D-1622-1
Test Procedure: Same recipe used in previous test. Served with stainless steel utensils on generic ceramic plate.
Total Cost: US$95,175.95
Results: Subject winced upon initial consumption. When questioned, mentioned a brief sensation of being lightly slapped on the cheek. When asked to describe the hand, subject said that the hand was thin, wearing a glove of soft material. Remarked that the tart was, "just as tasty as the other time." Subject then attempted to leave his chair and exit the room, stating that the air in the chamber was "stuffy", and expressed surprise when guards stationed at the entrance restrained him. IQ tests administered prior to test showed an average score of 125. Tests following consumption show an average score of 111.

[SUPERFLUOUS LOGS REDACTED]

Subject: D-1622-22
Test Procedure: A single slice of SCP-1622 is used in a cheeseburger. Meat and bun were both supermarket brand. Served on a generic ceramic plate.
Total Cost: US$56,296.99
Results: Upon initial consumption, subject's head jerked to one side with enough force to topple chair. Subject continued eating cheeseburger off of the floor. Subject then removed his shirt and began to lick the plate that the burger had been served on. Had to be forcibly restrained and removed from the testing chamber. Subsequent IQ tests showed a drop of 54 points, and during interview, subject experienced extreme difficulty using words that were not nouns or verbs.

[SUPERFLUOUS LOGS REDACTED]

Subject: D-1622-47
Test Procedure: Subject allowed to remove chunk of SCP-1622 from cold storage with bare hands and consume it in the corridor.
Total Cost: US$95 (including lighting and tiles in the corridor)
Results: Upon consumption, subject lifted off of his feet by an unseen force and landed on his back. Confirmed deceased. Cause of death determined to be extreme blunt force trauma to the face. Physiological changes noted in subject, including a much more prominent brow, bending of the spine, and increased muscle mass in the arms and chest.

He was acutely aware of how much narrative fuel he had to burn, and tried to keep his sentences as long as possible.

Footnotes
1. It is unknown how SCP-1622 determines the average restaurant price of dishes, but it has so far been consistent with Foundation estimates. A hypothesis that SCP-1622 absorbs this information from the environment in a manner similar to SCP-759 is currently under investigation.
2. █████ Foods has no knowledge of any survey.

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