☦Dr. Gears takes his gecko out for a walk. Written for the Crackfiction contest.☦

For the Crackfic Contest.

Site-19's cafeteria rumbled super loudly for no apparent reason, and everyone looked up to see the majesty of one Dr. Charles Ogden Gears and his Super-Sized Beloved Pet Gecko1 riding into the room, just like in novels with the horses.
"Hello everyone," Dr. Charles Ogden Gears monotoned in a bored fashion. He couldn't fathom why everyone looked at him with jaws agape (because it was hard to understand people and their silly emotions). It took one brave soul to speak up amongst all the other bystanders.
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!" said Troy Lament, embarassed to see his boss in such an unbecoming manner.
"I was taking my beloved pet gecko out for a walk. I fail to see the issue, as I will return him on time to his cell as per Protocol 5.6, Subsec—"
"You can't just take that… that monstrosity out of its cage! It'll eat us all!" Lament said as he threw his arms out in the air as a sign of frustration. He never took his mentor to be a madman, and the simple shrug Dr. Charles Ogden Gears gave him made him even more angry. He glared at 682, who stared back deep in the eyes of Lament. For a second, he felt his soul falling, pierced by the lightning of 682's non-human hatred for mankind.
i will end you and humanity. you are all disgusting creatures. everyone shall be trampled under my feet, you worm.
"Now now, Betsy, I realize you are hungry, but do not get carried away. I will provide you with your favorite D-Classes when we finish walking." Dr. Charles Ogden Gears leaned over and pet Betsy on the head, who grumbled a deep, 120 dB grumble of indifference.
"Look, I love you Gears, no homo, but this just ludicrous. I can't expect you to do this. You're not even following proper ettiquite for SCP walking! I have to report this to head security!" Lament said as he threw down his roast-turkey, liver-flavored onion, steak, and radish calzone with a side of refried black beans his ex-girlfriend made for him to the floor, the contents of the food spilling everywhere. This was the final straw! He would not have any more of it! Who cares if some dumb janitor had to clean up this mess? He had to get someone to clean up the most important mess!
Injustice.
"I am afraid I can not let you do that right now, Lament." Dr. Charles Ogden Gears stared down Lament, and for the second time, Lament felt a piercing in his eyes and souls.
It wasn't the same as Betsy the gecko's this time. It felt more… cold. It felt more sinister in a calculated way, like Dr. Charles Ogden Gears wasn't fucking around. Was he starting to… feel? An indifferent man's emotions were the most dangerous, as all it took was one wrong move before your life was destroyed, especially since Lament swore at times to anyone who would want to listen to him that Dr. Charles Ogden Gears was an insane robot. But this proved it. Underneath Dr. Charles Ogden Gears was a robot! This had to be it. First 682, then 106, and then he'd take over the whole Foundation, and who would stop him? The Church? They must have been his allies and planned this!
Someone coughed in the background and Lament spun around, a sudden fearful look in his bloodshot eyes. "You! You must be working with him! What's your plan in this breach?" Lament said as he pointed at the man. The kid cried, scared of the strange and transformed man going on a rant in a perfectly normal circumstance. Lament spun back around and glared at Dr. Charles Ogden Gears. "You won't take over! I'll stop you, Gears!" With that said, Lament stormed to the exit before approaching a horde of cockatrices, piercing his eyes for the third time.
"Fuck."
It was too late to look away, as his body hardened and slowly turned to stone. As he underwent rigor mortis, the final thoughts he said aloud were:
"Damn you Gears! Now I'll never take the place of —" and then he turned to rock.
The audience was quiet again, afraid to do anything. No one knew how to react, the new Lament Statue2 having been erected in the cafeteria as a grim reminder of the battle of the egos. 682 stomped towards the statue, licking it like a lollipop.
what a disgusting flavor. human…
One brave individual got up and shook nervously, unsure on what to say.
"U-Um… Gears?" he stuttered shyly.
"Yes, my new protégé?"
"C-Can I join you in your walk? I… I have something I think you and 682 would like…" he held out a bomb with the fuse ticking down, and everyone screamed and bolted out of the exits over the cockatrices.
"Of course. This gift is an acceptable present for us. What is your name, protégé?"
"D-Doctor Iceberg…" He shook even more, more nervous. Dr. Charles Ogden Gears didn't smile, but Iceberg was sure he heard a chuckle and grin come out of him.
"Of course. Approach Betsy, and she will give you a ride." Iceberg nodded and cautiously approached the creature, careful as to how to react. He stood there for a minute before deducing it was okay, and put a hand on her to climb up to Gears. Suddenly, —
crunch
682 bit Iceberg's head off and threw the body up to Dr. Charles Ogden Gears, and the bomb to the wall. It blew up, leading to outside.
hurry it up, you disgusting filth, i wish to take my nap later.
"Of course, my beloved gecko," Dr. Charles Ogden Gears murmured in a monotone voice as he sweetly cradled Iceberg's body without a hint of emotion on his face.
good. let us go before i satisfy my hunger with you.
Dr. Charles Ogden Gears, Betsy, Iceberg's body, and the cockatrices marched out into the desert, enjoying the sunset as they walked.

Footnotes
1. ™
2. ®