Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring…
「Banana Phone」

Image Sources:

1) "Don't Bring" by Robert Baker, CC-BY 2.0

Acknowledgements:

Rounderhouse, for critique.
Uncle Nicolini, for critique.

▸ More by this Author ◂

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F.A.Q.

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RING RING RING RING RING RING RING…

Created by
Timothy Ayers

Our Cast

John Baldwin:
An independent paranormal investigator.

Calvin McCall:
John's teenage apprentice.

Victor Villanueva:
A cultist with confidence issues.

The Cultists
Friends of Victor

Cultist #1
A woman in her mid-twenties.

Banana Plant
A banana plant that speaks in a deep, masculine voice.

ACT 1
Scene 1

(SCENE: A grimy warehouse's interior. It's littered with various crates, boxes and pallets. Both JOHN BALDWIN and CALVIN MCCALL are engaged in a Mexican standoff against VICTOR. In lieu of a firearm, John holds a banana while Calvin remains unarmed.)

JOHN
(Yelling)

Are you listening to me, asshole?! One more twitch off you and I'll blow your fucking brains out — you hear me? You motherfucker — I'll do it! Don't fucking try me!

CALVIN

Uh, dude

JOHN

Don't you dare "dude" me, Calvin! Not right now. And from now on — from now on when we're on a job you're gonna call me 'Sir' or 'Boss', got it? I mean, fuck me. Can't you see I'm busting this asshole's balls here?! Show a little respect.

CALVIN

Seriously dude I think you really oughtt—

JOHN
(Interrupting)

What did I just say, Calvin? What did I just say? I'm holding this guy at gunpoint here! I need to focus.

CALVIN
VICTOR

That's the thing dude
You're not holding a gun.

You're threatening me with a banana.

JOHN

What the hell are you guys —

(JOHN looks down at his banana.)

CALVIN WHAT THE FUCK WHY WOULD YOU SWITCH OUR GUN FOR A BANANA

CALVIN
(Yelling back)

It wasn't me dude, I swear! The cultist probably cast a hex on it or… something!

JOHN

Oh, I see! The cultist just used his magic banana-powers. Use your fucking head, Calvin. He would've turned us into bananas. Moron.

CALVIN

There's no need to be rude, man. And maybe the cultist — maybe transforming people is, like, against the Cultist Code or something?

JOHN

Calvin, please - look at this guy. He couldn't even tie his shoelaces let alone cast any hexes.

VICTOR

C'mon guys I'm right here.

CALVIN
JOHN

Shut up Victor.

Shut the hell up, Victor.

VICTOR

I am literally holding you guys at gunp—
You know what? I'm not dealing with this today.

(VICTOR turns around and leaves.)

CALVIN
(Oblivious)

I'm telling you dude: just because he, specifically, might not be able to cast a hex doesn't mean he couldn't called in one of his cultist buddies and had one made in advance…

JOHN
(Also oblivious)

You have no idea how hexes work, do you? There's a process involved.

CALVIN

Oh yeah? What kind of process?

JOHN

Oh, you know. Really basic stuff. Learned it in the first year of Paranormology - yeah - I bet even the cultist knows some of the basic hexes. Right, Victor?

(beat)

Victor?

(VICTOR has left the scene.)

ACT I
Scene 2

(SCENE: A large and well-furnished apartment, infested with garbage and writing paraphernalia. Both JOHN and CALVIN enter, mid-conversation and agitated. Calvin is eating a banana.)

JOHN

I can't believe we let him get away.

CALVIN

I guess I just don't get why we're tracking down Victor? Like, he seemed like an alright guy through highschool. Why don't we like him any more?

JOHN

He's a cultist!

CALVIN

No, I got that part. I just don't really get how we got from point A to point B here, you know? Like I'm missing a step in the process or something.

JOHN

Hey, that's alright Calvin. I'll fill you in. OK so… alright — imagine someone said they're gonna kill your mother, OK? They say that at some point this week they're gonna kill your mother.

CALVIN
Victor wants to kill my mother? Why would he do that? I invited him to my 10th birthday par—

JOHN
(Interrupting)

No no no no — Calvin. Victor doesn't want to kill your mother. I'm just making a hypothetical situation here. I'm just saying that if someone said they were gonna kill your mother, would you let them?

CALVIN

Hell no!

JOHN

That's right Calvin — of course you wouldn't. You'd ice that motherfucker where he stands. I'm saying that if someone says they're gonna do something wrong, you have to stop them.

CALVIN

I think I'm getting it now. What did Victor say he was going to do, though? Is it because he has 'Villain' in his last name?

JOHN

What? No — it's because — OK, so he didn't explicitly state his intentions per se, but you know what all these cults are like, Calvin. They're all "bring upon Ragnarok" this and "bathe in the blood of virgins" that. Met one of 'em, met 'em all. That's' why we've gotta break up that toga party.

CALVIN
(Taking a bite out the banana)

I thought cultists wore robes though?

JOHN

It's an expression, Calvin —

Hey, Calvin. What are you eating there?

CALVIN

Banana.

JOHN

You mean our gun?

CALVIN
(Smirking)

I'm pretty sure I can tell the difference between a gun and a banana dude.

JOHN

You idiot — are you eating the gun that randomly just turned into a banana about… 2 hours ago?

CALVIN

I guess so but I don't see what the big dea—

JOHN
(Interrupting)

What if it turns back now, Calvin? You'll have little gun parts floating around inside you, cutting you up.

CALVIN
(Alarmed)
JOHN

Holy shit dude, don't say that!

Yeah. Don't like the sound of that, do you?

CALVIN

Dude you have to take me to the hospital like right now!

JOHN

Not happening Calvin. You made your bed, now lie in it. Besides, Victor's throwing a little cult meeting in about half an hour.

CALVIN

I think I'm gonna throw up.

JOHN
You better head to the bathroom then. And try not to get any on the tiles, alright? I just cleaned them last week.

(CALVIN rushes off stage)

I should get a new gun.

ACT II
Scene 1

(SCENE: Both JOHN and CALVIN are stood outside VICTOR's house — a large abode in a rich neighbourhood. John presses the doorbell.)

CALVIN

Man I still feel like shit.

JOHN

You'll get over it.

CALVIN

How did you know there was a meeting here anyway?

JOHN

Oh. Victor made a post in the Facebook group chat.

(JOHN presses the doorbell)

CALVIN

There's a group chat?

JOHN

Oh yeah dude, I catfished Victor so hard. It's an art, really. You need to toe the line of flirtatiousness without being suspicious. But if you strike that balance just right, you can get tons of free stuff. People'll buy you chocolates, jewelry — I'm telling you Calvin, they practically eat out the palm of your hand. So now there's a 'Kelsey Reed' in Victor's cult group chat who doesn't exist.

CALVIN

Wait— You're Kelsey!? What the hell, man! I thought I was getting somewhere with her!

JOHN

(JOHN presses the doorbell again)

Calvin if Kelsey was a real person she would be disgusted by you. And, as a pro tip: don't show a girl your eggshell collection as a conversation starter, OK? It's weird.

CALVIN

I'll find a girl who appreciates my colleggtion someday.

JOHN

No. No you won't, Calvin. Because there is not a single other person on the planet who shares your eggshell fetish.

CALVIN

It's not a sexual thing, dude. I just, y'know, like the way they feel.

JOHN

(JOHN presses the doorbell repeatedly)

What's taking this dude so long to answer the goddamn door?

(VICTOR opens the door)

VICTOR
(Angrily)

If you don't get off my property right now I will call the police.

CALVIN

Oh, come on Vicky! We just want to see your cult rituals in action!

VICTOR

OK. First of all Calvin, if you ever call me Vicky again I will kill everyone you love. Second, you couldn't care less about my cult. I know what this is really about. You're bitter that I got Debby Reed to go to prom with me in 9th grade.

JOHN

Wow. Bringing up Debby again, Victor? Don't hurt Calvin like that. It's all in the past. We just want to see your cult meetings and catch up with my highschool pal. Is that so hard to believe?

VICTOR

You pulled a gun on me three hours ago.

JOHN

If you're just gonna bring up the past at least be accurate. I distinctly remember pulling a banana on you. If anyone was in the wrong, it was the guy who actually had a gun.

VICTOR

I'm calling the police.

(VICTOR goes to close the door)

JOHN

Victor wait! If you let us in we'll stop following you everywhere.

VICTOR

… You two are serious?

JOHN

Dead serious. You have my word.

VICTOR

Alright. Deal. After today I never want to see you two again.

(VICTOR allows JOHN and CALVIN inside his house)

ACT 2
Scene 2

(SCENE: A large and dark room inside VICTOR's house. The CULTISTS, alongside JOHN and CALVIN, are sat in chairs arranged to resemble church pews. VICTOR stands as a Priest before the Cultists. All present, with the exception of John and Calvin, are wearing cultist robes.)

JOHN
(To CALVIN)
VICTOR
(Projecting to the CULTISTS)

You know Calvin, I think I'm having a change of heart about this whole cult thing.

CALVIN

What do you mean?

JOHN

I mean that I like it here, Calvin. I mean we don't really have many friends or a sense of community. This place is really peaceful, man. Everyone knows each other. Everybody looks out for each other. I think I need this in my life.

CALVIN

What about the, y'know, end of the world stuff? I thought cults were evil?

JOHN
I'll tell you what, Calvin. Let's just sit through this meeting. If nothing bad happens we join the cult. If something comes up, we'll stop it and it's business as usual. That's fair, right? I want to give this life a shot.

Hey, everyone! Glad you could all make it. Before we start today, I'd like to make some announcements.

Probably most of you noticed that we have some new members here with us today. They're John and Calvin, and they'll just be watching today's ritual. Please pay them no mind.

Lucy and Andrew are happy to announce that Lucy is expecting! Their child is due on the 20th of December — is that right Lucy? Ah, she's nodding! Well, Lucy and Andrew, on behalf of The Scarlet King, I give you our congratulations.

And finally — our test run of the BananaGun worked wonders. For those who were absent last meeting, we finally made a breakthrough with our ritual. We managed to create a spell that turns any guns drawn in hostility - but not self-defence - into bananas! Great work everyone. Can we get a round of applause for our wonderful Scribes and Thaumaturges? Really good work, everyone.

(The CULTISTS applaud)

VICTOR

Alright, everyone, we're about to begin. Please quiet down the chitter-chatter, and follow my lead.

(Recitative)
Non possum loqui Latine,
Volo loqui tecum rex,
Interpres malos hoc!

CULTISTS & VICTOR

Septem sigilia. Septem annulos. Septem amicis ad Sanguis Rex!

VICTOR

Alright, friends! I need seven volunteers from the crowd to be tonight's "brides". Ah - watch your step Lucy! Thank you for your enthusiasm. Andrew, get up here! Come on, don't be shy. David, thank you for volunteering. Give it up for Amy, Ashley, Sam, and Georga, everyone! A round of applause for all our volunteers tonight, please!

(The CULTISTS applaud once more. The VOLUNTEERS kneel in a septagon.)

Alright. I'm handing out the seals now. Tonight I'm using epoxy resin as a substitute instead of tape. Let's hope the ritual still goes as planned! I don't see why the type of sealant would matter at any rate.

(VICTOR gives a bottle of epoxy resin to each of the VOLUNTEERS)

Alright, brave volunteers. Remember, this next part is hard to get right since the timing has to be near-perfect. Are you ready? Alright. On my mark: a-one, a-two, a-one-two-three-four!

THE CULTISTS & VICTOR
(To the tune of Bananaphone)

Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring!

(A red BANANA PLANT wearing a crown mysteriously appears in the septagon)

BANANA PLANT

THE SCARLET KING!

Hey everybody! How's it going?

JOHN

Are you fucking kidding me

VICTOR

Hey SK! Nice to see you man. We've tested out the BananaGun prototype and… we're happy to announce we'd like to release the BananaGun spell worldwide! I was thinking maybe we extend the effect from just real-life guns, but all depictions of guns? And, if you're willing to listen to another business pitch, I think I've come up with a way to end the world hun—

(CALVIN grabs JOHN's new gun and shoots VICTOR. The CULTISTS panic.)

JOHN

BANANA TREE

CULTIST #1

What the hell did you just do?
Not cool dude.
WHAT THE FUCK?!

CALVIN

What are you guys yelling at me for? John, we made an agreement, remember? He said he wanted to end the world, so I shot him.

JOHN

BANANA TREE

CULTIST #1

He was about to say "hunger" Calvin. He had an idea to end world hunger!
Fuck, man. He was, like, my only real friend in the cult.
ARE YOU PEOPLE INSANE?

CALVIN

Are you guys really putting this all on me? I mean, the dude phrased it so weird. Anyone would think he wanted to end the world. John, back me up here. You said it earlier with that "Ragnarok" and "virgin blood" stuff.

The asshole had it coming anyway. Date stealing asshole.

(The CULTISTS exit, leaving only JOHN, CALVIN, and BANANA TREE.)

BANANA TREE

Dude you need to see a therapist about your anger problem.

CALVIN

I don't have an anger problem.

JOHN
No, Calvin. He's right. You should see a therapist. I'm tired of walking on eggshells around you.

CALVIN
(Pointing the gun at JOHN)

…What the fuck did you just say?

ARE YOU THE ONE WHO'S BEEN BREAKING MY COLLECTION?

JOHN

Calm down Calvin — you know I didn't mean it like that! It's an expre—

(CALVIN shoots JOHN.)

BANANA TREE

God, can you stop shooting people for one second?!
Why the hell hasn't your gun turned into a banana yet?

CALVIN

You know, Mr Scarlet King, I've consumed a lot of things gun-related, and I see where you're coming from with the whole "banana gun" plan. But just because an idea is appealing doesn't mean you don't have to worry about the eggsecution.

BANANA TREE

You think its funny that I'm a banana tree? Is that what that whole comment was about? I have a banana pun too, asshole.

Why don't you make like a banana

(CALVIN winces)

And split

(A bullet is fired from within CALVIN, killing him.)

(Fin.)