Welcome to Ask Doctor Mann, where I will be answering any questions that you, the reading public, have for me. If you have questions you'd like answered, please submit them via the discussion page.
"Dear Doctor Mann, what's it like working for the Foundation?" —Eager in Site 19
I'm so glad you asked! Working for the Foundation is full of exciting challenges and fascinating puzzles. You will travel to exotic locales and work with some of the most intelligent, experienced researchers in the world. Get ready for a professional working environment where you'll be given responsibility and fast promotion opportunities.
Take advantage of this opportunity now, before we're forced to erase your memory or kill you.
"Papa Mann, my next door neighbor has a creepy boyfriend that comes over fairly often, and the combination of stupidity and nausea he radiates is destroying my will to live and bothering the cat. Any ideas?" —Creeped Out in Calamazoo
Have you considered that this poor fellow might have a problem? Many people seem disturbing, but quite often there's nothing wrong with them that drug-enhanced electro-shock conditioning can't cure. In rare cases, direct neurosurgical intervention may be necessary. Consult your neurologist before making any incisions.
"Where am I?" —Concerned in Laboratory 14
Strapped to a table in my laboratory.
"Who are you?" —Still Concerned in Laboratory 14
Doctor Everett Mann, surgeon and researcher.
"What are you doing here?" —Very Concerned, Actually, in Laboratory 14
Operating on you.
"What's this syringe doing in my foot?" —Growing More Concerned by the Minute in Laboratory 14
Sedating you in three, two, one…
"Where do babies come from?" —Naive in New York
Well, you see, Naive, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much, they're kidnapped by black helicopters and transported to Site 84, where they're rendered down into their contituent tissues. Their reproductive organs are harvested and used to create a zygote inside of a test-tube. It's grown in a vat of nutrients until it's ready (four to nine months, depending on the necessity of organ integrity), at which point it's used for whatever experiment requires babies.
"Is dropping me into a general processing pit via a previously hidden trap door in the floor upon demotion to D-class really necessary?" —Falling Fast in Site 23
No, but really, who doesn't enjoy a good laugh now and then?
"Is there porn here?" —Licentious in Laboratory 14
Do anatomical diagrams count?
"How long does it take to make the perfect al dente pasta?" —Hungry in the Site 23 Kitchen
Anywhere from around 13.6 to 13.9 billion years (for the purpose of inventing the universe), plus 7-10 minutes depending on the amount and altitude.
"Dr. Mann, why won't the Foundation let me use my own personal firearm?" —Second Amended in Site 23
Because nerf munitions are insufficient against all known enemy groups except the Church of the Second Hytoth.
"Dear Dr. Mann, since my arrival at Site-023 I've learned that you are Director of Human Resources and a respected member of Site-023. How would you suggest I go about encouraging cooperation among our peers? They've been terribly belligerent despite my best efforts."-Distressed About D-Class
Dear Distressed, I find that it helps to remove the part of their brain that allows them to be uncooperative.
"Dear Dr. Mann, what should I do about this ukelele in my living quarters? I'm certain that it belongs to somebody else, but it's certainly a very nice instrument." —Curious in Cell 23.
Curious, the first thing to do is not to panic. It won't do any good and will just lead to you dying in a tizzy. Unless that's how you would like to die. I just want you to know that you have options, and should choose one in the next few minutes.
"Dear Dr. Mann, shouldn't you be working on project Beta 12 right now?" —Pondering Pressing The Button, Three Floors Up
I am working on Project Beta 12. That's why the potatoes in the cafeteria taste different now.
"Dear Dr. Mann, what are your views on the sovereign debt crisis in the European Union? Please be concise." —Foundation News at Eleven
I blame the decline of proper, well-maintained facial hair in the general public. It leads to degeneracy and general lack of moral fiber.
"Dear Dr. Mann, what is your view on the so-called 'Serpent's Hand'? Do serpents really have hands? How does that even make sense?" —Susurrus from Site Sixty
These long-haired recalcitrants oppose the natural order of progress. They believe themselves enlightened but are unwilling to make the sacrifices necessary for mankind to take its next step into the cosmos. Their bleeding-heart philosophy combined with their guerrilla tactics make them dangerous. As to the handiness of serpents, I maintain that while it is a well-known feature of the suborder Serpentes, it is by no means an essential one. A point my snake-men will make at the next Herpetology Super Expo. This year, the blue ribbon shall be mine!
"Dear Dr. Mann, what's up with teenagers these days? Why are they so wierd?" —Curmudgeonly in California
There are a number of theories, but perhaps the most likely is malevolent control by the Chaos Insurgency. Knowing full well that the battle of the future will take place in the hearts and minds of our youth, they've prepared the battlefield by sprinkling their nihilistic propaganda into the media. This has twisted their minds, turning them from once-happy children into something dark and unrecognizable.
Well, it's that or their dratted rock-and-roll music that they seem to fancy. One or the other.
"Dear Dr. Mann, could we potentially use the labyrinth to store Euclid but immobile SCP's?" —Amazed in Anchorage
The proposal was briefly considered, but ultimately cut because of twine shortfalls in the budget.
"Dear Dr. Mann, what does 173 look like on camera? —D-Class tasked with cleaning 173's pen
About ten pounds heavier.
"Dear Dr. Mann, my name is Abayomiolorunkoje, and I am a prince in my home country of Nigeria. I need to get ten million dollars to the US, but my bank accounts do not allow it. If you you let me store it in your account by giving me full access, I will give you twenty percent. Would you do this for me?" —278hd3q81n5zd at hotmail.com
A prince of a republic? What a fascinating accomplishment. I am of course very interested in helping you. However, I feel it would be best to do business face-to-face. Fortunately, I will be traveling to Nigeria in a month on business. I've a few questions first, however. On a scale of one-to-ten, how healthy are your organs? And do you have any friends with particularly healthy or otherwise interesting organs? If so, please feel free to bring them along to the meeting. Thirdly, do you have any unusual reaction to chloroform? Please respond soon. I look forward to discussing business with you.
"Dear Dr. Mann, I've recently discovered that I have a third kidney. It's fully functional, and my doctor tells me that I don't really need it. I was wondering if I could donate it to you, and in addition, get a day pass? Thanks." —Agent ██████, Site 14
Naturally! And I hope your colleagues remember your example the next time they request time off.
"Dear Dr. Mann, What is the difference between a duck?" —Pair of Docs at Site 19
That depends. Are we talking about, say, a rosy-billed pochard, or a baikal teal?
"Dear Dr. Mann, An SCP is offering me magical powers if I release it. What should I do?" —Gullible at Site 19
Please report to Medical Station 13 for a new brain. The one you're using it clearly defective.
"Dear Dr. Mann, I am glad to report that despite breaching containment no less than twelve times over the past week, SCP-███ has been temporarily incapacitated and moved to Storage Site 49. However, during the last containment breach I and a number of my staff suffered minor to severe injuries as a result of SCP-███'s area of effect, including [DATA EXPUNGED] nitrogen narcosis. What first-aid methods do you recommend?" —Rapidly Bleeding Out at Site 49
Immediately lower the temperature down past freezing. With luck, at least some of your more useful organs can be salvaged.
"Dear Dr. Mann, What can I do to be more like you?" —Jealous in Jersey
A noble and worthy goal, Jealous! The first thing is to obtain a medical degree. The second, and this cannot be stressed enough, is to find a good, reliable mustache wax. Now, dabblers will use pre-made mustache waxes like Mr Natty Twizzle Moustache Wax, but I find that the best result is to learn to create your own mix, so that you can fine-tune it to your own hirsutorial needs. You'll need to find a supply of bees wax, gum arabic, oil soap, and human stem cells. Add in any essential oils for scent purposes.
"Dear Dr. Mann, Is craving for human flesh normal? I mean, ever since that D-Class jerk bit me, all I've done is to crave for it." —Dr. Brians at Site-19 Cafeteria.
While not strictly normal, the Foundation is accomodating to a wide variety of dietary needs. However, it seems as though your cannibalism may have a medical basis. Therefore I recommend a treatment of 1 CC of lead applied directly through the forehead.
"Dear Dr. Mann, The other lunch room girls at Area-14 tell me that Mr Fernand is a great kisser. Do you think it would be alright for me to accept his offer of a dinner date?" —Shy Ronery Lass
I would recommend that you find other plans for your evening. While dinners with Fernand are indeed lively and "happening," they inevitably end up as dinner-for-one affairs.
"Dear Dr. Mann, In your professional opinion, if we released all sentient Euclid and Keter SCPs into a pocket dimension and let them fight to the death, who do you think would come out on top, assuming 682 lost?" —Needs to Settle a Bet at Site-19 Break Room
Dear Need, the obvious answer is SCP-1013-J. Think about it.
"Dear Dr. Mann, Is it OK to use D-class personnel to fill in paperwork, provided I terminate them before they can leak the information? That short snotty guy from Ethics Committee keeps bugging me about it, and I'm in need of some serious arguments." —Busy from Bio-Containment Unit-21.
Let me make sure I understand your plan correctly. You intend to have Class D personnel fill out your paperwork. These are, by and large, condemned criminals. They are largely from the lower rungs of society, with poor educations and often broken literacy. They tend towards sociopathy. They tend to hate those who hold them here. And you will trust them with your paperwork, which not only contains information that they might use to attempt escape or sabotage, but has to be filled out correctly and completely to Foundation standards, or else will reflect poorly in your performance reviews.
Well. Good luck with that.
"Dear Dr. Mann, I bet 682 would be jealous of your 'stach. You should challenge it to a good round of fisticuffs." —Curious in Site 19
Sadly, 682 refuses to abide by Queensbury rules.
"Dear Dr. Mann, Which employee of Site 17 would win a dance-off?" —Bored in the Break Room
Dear Bored, the current champion is Agent Yoric. However, once I've completed work on my electronic trousers of cybernetic funk, it shall be I who will be crowned the true lord of the dance!
"Dear Dr. Mann, HAVE MY BABIES!" —Bromance in Bermuda
Dear Bromance, WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Er, ahem. That is to say I'm quite flattered, but I have to politely refuse your offer at this time. Good day.
"Dear Dr. Mann, Help." —Locked in an empty cell at site-19
Dear Locked, we are helping you. That's why we have you restrained, and have removed most of the parasites.
"Dear Dr. Mann, I have been working for the Foundation for six years now. In that time I have received precisely one cost-of-living increase, four years ago, that even at the time was not commensurate with the actual cost of living. Who should I talk to to amend this situation, and if talking doesn't prove effective, do you recommend blunt trauma or shallow incisions?" —Below the Poverty Line in Site-19
Dear Below, if the cost of your living is too expensive, please come see me so we can discuss alternatives.
"Dear Dr. Mann, I was born a human but I want to be a robot, do you know who I have to ask to get this done and if I do it can I give you my organs afterwards?" —Metal Curious from Sector-28
Dear Metal, I'm afraid your insurance won't cover full-body cybernetic replacement. The best we can offer is to transplant your brain into this blender's control unit. I realize this is something of a step down from your current goal, but you'll have six settings and stainless steel, dishwasher safe blades.
"Is it possible to chain breed SCP-504's joke-hating qualities into other vegetables? Like, say, peppers?" —Vegetariable in Vegas
You're not the first to attempt this project, though so far Foundation horticulturalists have little to show for it, aside from a few potatoes that quiver at the sound of knock-knock jokes.
"Dr. Mann, how much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?" —Chuck from Site 23
The average woodchuck (or groundhog, Marmota monax) is capable of chucking approximately 700 lbs of dirt over the course of digging its burrow, which suggests that it could chuck a similar amount of wood. However, SCP-████, a hitherto unknown species of marmot, is capable of chucking as much as two tons of wood with its tentacles. Its ability to do so has cost the lives of five Foundation agents to date.
"Dr. Mann, what is your favorite organ, and why?" —Nineteen at 19
The brain, naturally. It is the seat of sapience, the center of thought, and it makes a rather nifty paperweight when preserved in a jar.
"Dr. Mann, when did you do your first dissection, and on what?" —Nosy in New York
Oh, fond memories there. My first dissection was on a frog, when I was eight years old. Oh, excuse me. There's not very "PC." I mean a Frenchman, of course.
"Dear Dr. Mann, I'm pretty sure this is my first time. Why is there so much blood?" —Just Asploded A Man in Denver
Well, when a man is "asploded," the blood tends quite naturally to exit the body, often at high velocity. This results in quite a lot of coverage, which tends to make it seem as though there's more blood than is actually there, compared to when it's seen to simply pool. However, please consult Foundation forensics to ensure there is not an anomalous amount of blood in the victim's body. It would be a great pity if an extradimensional circulatory system were so crudely damaged.
"Dear Dr. Mann, what's cooler than being cool?" —Andre in Area 3000
Quite a few things, if one interprets "cool" as weather around fifteen degrees or so. That's still well above the freezing point of water, for example. So I would look to tundral regions, ice floes, the black heart that lies at the center of time, or your icebox.
"Dear Dr. Mann, in your professional opinion as a high-ranking member of the SCP Foundation, what do you consider to be the cause most worth fighting for?" —Philosophical in the Break Room
Science. What other causes are there?
"Dear Dr. Mann, I was in the middle of getting intimate with myself when the containment breach siren went off. Do I stop and rush to check on the situation or continue and hope it doesn't break into my quarters? Also I'm out of lotion, what do you recommend as an alternative?" —In a sticky situation at Sector-28
An appointment has been made for surgery. If you can't be trusted with genitalia, you'll simply have to do without.
"Dear Dr. Mann, I have a tomato lodged in my skull, please help!" —Unfunny in Site 03
Oh dear. That's really wedged in there, isn't it? Well, I hope you enjoy vegetables, since it's going to be there for a while.
Also, you're going to be one. It's interrupting the blood flow to your brain, and there's nothing we can do. Dreadfully sorry.
"Dear Dr. Mann, I am currently being stalked by a caucasion male of indeterminate age in a trenchcoat and fedora, what do I do?" —Somebody in Site 14
I'm sure it's just your imagination. Nobody would bother stalking you inside a Foundation Site, I'm sure.
"Dearest Dr. Mann, I'm a new hire to the Foundation and most certainly not a member of The Church of the Broken God. Could you please eMail me all compromising information you have on yourself or your colleagues, particulalrly any assigned to hunting The Church of the Broken God (which I am not a member of)." —Heathen in New Orleans
Please open and run the executable file attached to this message. I have been assured by our IT department that it contains the files you've requested, and not a tracking program designed to lead our kill team directly to your location.
"Dr. Mann, am I likely to get demoted for fabricating potato-based ammunition for SCP-516, would testing get approved, and would you like to watch?" —Spudchucker in Site-84
Demotion is unlikely. While in the whimsical, chaotic Foundation of yesteryear, you would have found yourself either demoted to Class D or else given your own cleverly-named MTF and wise-cracking bonobo sidekick, in the new, more modernized Foundation, we'll simply have your superior smack you across the forehead and tell you to get back to work.
"Dr. Mann, what would be the best method of using SCP-504, SCP-786 and one of the Lizard's teeth in tandem for a prank? I want that monkey!" —A man in green
Sir, if you require someone to tell you how to pull a jape, then the current holder of "the cleverest" probably needs not fear losing the title anytime soon.
"Oh Ultimate Ruler that is Dr. Mann, what is SCP-055?" —Mystified in Milwaukee
I already told you. Don't you remember?