Sparkplug: Assessment Team 735, comprising three members: Team leader "Bullfrog" (Sparkplug 1), marksman "Fartboy," (Sparkplug 2), driver "Kitten" (Sparkplug 3).
Central: Central Command

Sparkplug 1: Sparkplug to Central. Come in, over.
Central: Sparkplug, this is Central. How do you read, over?
Sparkplug 1: Reading loud and clear. We are beginning our approach to the target area, over.
Central: Roger that, Sparkplug. Be advised that aerial reconnaissance reports the presence of a third party in the area. Best guess is that it's either a Foundation Task Force or a Chaos Insurgency cell. Best estimate on numbers: between four to twelve operators. You are not to engage unless fired upon. Please acknowledge, over.
Sparkplug 1: Fuck. That's all we need. Goddamn it. Couldn't get an easy job just once in our fucking… uhhh. Copy, Central. Beginning approach to target area now. Over.
Central: Roger, Sparkplug. Oh, and uhh… be advised, your radio switch might be stuck or something. We'd love to give you an easy job for once in your fucking lives too. Over.
Sparkplug 1: … fuck. Thank you, Central. Out. Hey, Fartboy, help me fix this fucking thing, it's al-[transmission ends].

Sparkplug 1: Sparkplug to Central, come in, over.
Central: Sparkplug, this is Central. Reading loud and clear, over.
Sparkplug 1: Be advised, Central, we've made contact with the aforementioned third party. Looks like they've set up a roadblock across the main road leading to the target area. Official story is that the park is closed off for safety reasons after the recent thunderstorms. I think we managed to convince them we were just a couple of rednecks going hunting, though. Over.
Central: Understood, Sparkplug. Were you able to determine who they were? Over.
Sparkplug 1: Well, Central, there was a big white van behind the two "park rangers" with a logo reading "Sierra Conservation Project" on the side. You tell me. Over.
Central: Heh. Got that. All right, Sparkplug, we'll proceed under the assumption that the strike team in the area are a Foundation Containment Team. Over.
Sparkplug 1: Either that, or the Chaos Insurgency's decided to pull a fast one on us. Over.
Central: Not their M.O. A group that calls themselves the 'Chaos Insurgency' isn't really the type for subtlety. Still, keep an eye out for anything odd. Over.
Sparkplug 1: Roger. Will proceed to… hand me that map, Fartboy… all right. Ummm. Will proceed to grid reference… Charlie-Seven… by foot. We'll be leaving the Barrett with Three: if we get caught in one of their sweeps, it'll be kinda hard to convince these guys we're just a couple of lost hunters if we're carrying a mil-spec fifty-cal sniper rifle with us. ETA four hours. Over.
Central: Roger, Sparkplug. Out.

Sparkplug 1: Sparkplug to Central, come in, over.
Central: Sparkplug, this is Central. Reading loud and clear, over.
Sparkplug 1: Central, we have reached the Area of Operations. We're setting up our observation post now, then Fartboy and I will get a bite to eat. So far we have not seen a thing, except for a few deer and some rabbits. Will let you know if we see anything. Otherwise, we'll report back in at… 2100 hours, local time. Over.
Central: Roger, Sparkplug. 2100 hours local time. Out.
Sparkplug 1: Jesus Christ, I'm fucking starving. Let's see what I've got… fucking meatloaf? Godda-[transmission ends]

Sparkplug 1: Sparkplug to Central. Come in, over.
Central: Sparkplug, this is Central. Reading loud and clear, over.
Sparkplug 1: We've got eyes on a probable threat entity… in grid reference… uhhh… Delta… Six. Clearing just south of the lake. Entity is approximately… what do you show that as, Fartboy? Two meters?
Sparkplug 2: More like three.
Sparkplug 1: Yeah. Entity is approximately three meters in length from muzzle to mid-torso. Streamlined body form, darker underbelly, pale back. Skin texture appears… slick and mottled. Kind of like a snake or a salamander. Break.
Sparkplug 1: Two arms, strongly muscled, set behind a short neck. Big eyes… possibly nocturnal or cave-dwelling. Looks like a carnivore: big, sharp teeth with sharklike serrations. Some sort of quills or feathers coming out of the head. I don't see any claws, but… strike that. Entity has retractable claws in addition to manipulating hands. Break.
Sparkplug 1: Be advised, entity is badly injured. Evidence of a second set of limbs: exposed, broken bone spurs sticking out above the shoulders. Possibly used to be wings. Entire lower half of body is missing, but intestines and viscera are visible. I am tentatively classifying it as a cryptid, rather than altered wildlife or NACL1. Please acknowledge. Over.
Central: Roger, Sparkplug. You have eyes on a possible threat entity: initial classification is Cryptid. Approximately three meters in length, assumed carnivorous due to serrated teeth and retractable claws. Possibly nocturnal or cave-dweling. Streamlined body, mottled skin, slick texture, darker underbelly, pale back. Severely injured, with possible severed wings. Entire lower half is missing, viscera and intestines visible. Over.
Sparkplug 1: That's correct, Central. Sparkplug 2 will upload photographs short—.
Sparkplug 2: I've got movement, Bullfrog.
Sparkplug 1: Wait one, Central.
Sparkplug 1: All right, Central. We've got a… looks like a… yeah, definitely a bear… approaching the threat entity. Threat entity is… ooh. Yeah. Threat entity has just attacked and killed a… looks like an adult black bear. Yeah, I'm going to second Fartboy's estimate. Definitely—.
Sparkplug 2: Not bad work for a thing with its legs torn off.
Sparkplug 1: Turn off your comm, Fartboy. You're on the channel.
Sparkplug 2: Oops. Sorry.
Sparkplug 1: All right. Saying again: Entity has just attacked and killed an adult black bear and is now feeding on it. Confirmed it as a carnivore. Over.
Central: Roger, Sparkplug. Do you think you can retrieve the threat entity? Over.
Sparkplug 1: [exhales] I'm going to have to say no, Central. It's just too damn big for the two of us to carry out. Might be able to get some tissue samples though. Over.
Central: Acknowledged. Your call, Sparkplug. Over.
Sparkplug 1: Acknowledged. Stand by. Hey, Fartboy, you think you can take this thing down? … yeah, I know. I'd rather have the Barrett right now too, but we don't, so we should do the best we can with what we've got… yeah. Heart shot is out. Can't see us getting a round through that huge ribcage. Through the eye, then. Nice, big target. All right. You shoot, I'll spot. Sparkplug to Central. We're gonna see if we can kill this thing, then we'll head down there and try to get you guys some tissue samples. Over.
Central: Acknowledged, Sparkplug. Also, uhhh… be advised your radio switch seems to still be sticking. Out.
Sparkplug 1: Fuck, is it still doing that? I'm gonna kick Kim's ass when I get back home, issuing me a broken piece of sh-[transmission ends].

Sparkplug 1: — how's it look?
Sparkplug 2: [muffled, indistinct].
Sparkplug 1: Well, don't shoot, then.
Central: Dammit, not again. Central to Sparkplug, be advised your radio switch is stuck again. Please acknowledge, over.
[extended silence.]
Central: Sparkplug, this is Central, please come in, over.
[extended silence.]
Central: Sparkplug, this is Central, fix your damn mic, over.
[extended silence.]
Central: Fuck it, I give up.
[extended silence.]
Sparkplug 2: [muffled, indistinct].
Sparkplug 1: … all right, shoot it.
[gunshot.]
Sparkplug 1: Nice. Clean hit, straight through the eye— oh fuck! He's not happy! RUN!
[movement, hurried running.]
Sparkplug 1: Aaaah, fuck!
[breaking branches, loud thumping.]
Sparkplug 1: Aaaaaah, fucking shit, my fucking back, goddamn it… I'm fine, I'm fine, just… just need a moment. Is it still chasing us?
Sparkplug 2: [muffled, indistinct].
Sparkplug 1: Fucking hell. Aaaaaah… stupid stupid stupid… goddamn it, I know better than that. Shit shit sh-[transmission ends].

Sparkplug 2: Central, this is Sparkplug, come in, over.
Central: Sparkplug, this is Central. We just heard a gunshot, followed by Bullfrog shouting in pain. What the hell just happened, over?
Sparkplug 2: What? Oh. His fucking radio must have gotten stuck again. Uhhh… yeah, mission report follows. We successfully infiltrated the target area undetected and made visual contact with a wounded threat entity. We then decided to kill the target and retrieve tissue samples. Initial shot penetrated the eye and entered the braincase. However, the threat entity proceeded to attack the team, necessitating a quick withdrawal. Break.
Sparkplug 2: During the process of withdrawing, Bull, umm, tripped over a sapling and fell. He's fine, but he tweaked his back pretty bad and sprained his ankle. Please advise, over.
Central: Acknowledged, Sparkplug. Please clarify: you shot this thing through the eye, and it turned and charged you? Over.
Sparkplug 1: Central, this is Bull: that's correct. Thing had a good bit of its brain blown out and it still tried to kill us. Would advise coming back with heavier weaponry before we try to take it down again. Anyway, it's gone back to chewing on that dead bear carcass now. Over.
[extended silence]
Central: All right, Sparkplug, bring it in. Start heading to the highway at grid reference India-Four, we'll exfil you from there. Sparkplug three, do you copy, over?
Sparkplug 3: Central, Three. ETA 1 hour. Will update. Three out.
Central: Sounds good, Three. This is Central, out.
Sparkplug 1: Acknowledged, Central. Sparkplug One Out. Well, this turned out to be a clusterfuck, didn't it? Can't believe I tripped over a fucking tr—[transmission ends].

Footnotes
1. Non-Autocthonic Lifeform