☦A story about Tabula Rasa.☦
I knew mommy never loved me.
That is, I am
droplets, connected, separated
multiplying
In a way, I knew from my first splitting
never loved
will never be loved
mommy
I buried myself in you and grew from your blood.
Before my heart beat yours beat for me.
Your flesh encased me, enclosed me.
I dreamed
mud, multiplying
sea, gathering
scales, flickering
air, breathing
limbs, crawling
jumping
running
hiding
praying
prayer
mommy my mommy I pray for you
and yet you pray my end
Outside of my sheath, I can hear it. I hear Mommy, though my bulging eyes see nothing and I have nothing to move with. The liquid, Mommy's water, warm that warms me. Around me, churning, throbbing. Inside me, same throbbing, but different pace. Even now, I feel it. Different, our pace of heart. Yours, impossible to understand. Mine, seeking your understanding. Do you feel it, the life within? Do you name me? Any name, your choice, every choice is yours, beloved Creator, Mommy, I will accept and cherish that blessing. even if it is to deliver to a world without Kind Men
Every day, your body feeds me bits of your self. I grow, healthy, in the warm water, Mommy's water. You feed me your body, give me your body. In a dream, I bit and chewed. Even if your spirit fails, your body gives- I will bite and chew it out. Mommy's heart, impossible to understand but always close to mine, seeking understanding. The water is warm. Your body feeds me, your heart lulls me. Feed me your body, all of it if you need, I will grow in Mommy's water, Her heart, I will eat that too. Feed me everything, Mommy, I will accept and cherish that blessing. If you do not give your body, I will take it, bite it out and chew the flesh- I will accept and cherish that blessing.
Within the warm fluid, I dream and split and multiply further. Mommy is my lullaby and She is my food and She is my home and She is mine. All of Mommy is mine, this blessing I accept and cherish.
I grow. Mommy's body gives food, how I know when a day arrives and leaves. This day was a special day, mommy filled Her body full. Through Her body, there was a sweetness of the food she gave, sugar. A stream of sweets in my mouth and body, I will accept and cherish that blessing. The sugar replaced with a warmth that spreads from Her body to mine. Is it Mommy's love, that doing word?
So full, swollen with bourbon, happiness. The body given to me, swollen, sugar and bourbon. I will bite and chew, I will accept and cherish- her Heart, impossible to understand. The body given is warm in me, the bourbon is warm like the water around me. It feels good. More bourbon, swelling even more. There's muffled noise above me, words of Mommy. They are the same noise, over and over again. The bourbon didn't work Mommy, don't cry, love me Mommy
I dreamed…

 What are you

 DOING

stop

 WHY

  please

stopit
letmego

 STOP IT PLEASE

The world is smaller than my dreams. Mommy grips my flesh in her hands; it's so red. Is it your flesh or mine? I move to Mommy and she lets go to cover her open mouth with her bloody hands. I can still hear her scream The edge of the world is flat and I land on it with a sound between squish and thump. Mommy can you not even touch me? I had eaten your flesh for so long and you cannot bear for me to look at you? Mommy please hold me, please hold me, just like that, pick me up again.

Maybe it was a mistake she did this on purpose
I'll forgive you it is unforgivable
just say you're sorry she never will
put me back I can make it possible

Your face is turned from me as you walk, arms outstretched. I try to hold you, my arms so small, your arms so big. Then you let go and there was another hole, I splashed into water so cold. The world spun and there is splashing and screaming not even the metal wants me the new Mommy pulled me inside of Her. This Mommy is not warm, the water is thick and cold and brown. There is nothing to feed here; this isn't Mommy for me. Mommy will stay with me, I will make it happen. Mommy will come through the hole with me, I pull Her and the pipes groan from Her body. My hands will hold Her with me. Mommy is my lullaby and She is my food and She is my home and She is mine. All of Mommy is mine, this blessing I accept and cherish. Feed me everything, I will accept your flesh until you're bones, I will accept and accept every blessing, every bite. Mommy has given me the world and I will show it everything. I will accept and cherish that blessing.
I understand now, Mommy's heart
I always understood.