1.
Tired of all those cups falling whenever you open your cabinet? Had it with having to search around a high shelf with your hand?
Well I have too, and that's why I'm back with an amazing new product: The Shelf-and-a-half! This amazing product combines the doors of a cabinet with the aesthetics of the shelf, and comes with a droppable stool attachment that allows you to climb up and retrieve its contents, and then get rid of the stool so it doesn't get in the way.
Here's my friend Brandi! Brandi suffers from dwarfism, and is unable to reach the snowglobe on her high shelf. But wait, with the help of the Shelf-and-a-half, she can reach the snowglobe and shake it too!
To get your Shelf-and-a-half, call now and we'll send you one for only $19.99. That's right, a $40 value for only 20 bucks! But wait, there's more! Call now and you can get a second Shelf-and-a-half absolutely FREE! Just pay shipping and handling! Just dial up the number on the screen and get yourself two Shelfs-and-a-half! Our operators are standing by.

10.
Exhausted with all those cups falling whenever you open your cabinet? Had it with having to grasping around a high shelf with your hand?
Well I have too, and that's why I'm back with a stunning new product: The Shelf-and-a-half! This amazing product combines the doors of a cabinet with the aesthetics of the shelf, and comes with a super-awesome droppable stool attachment that allows you to climb up and retrieve its contents, and then dispose of the stool so it doesn't obstruct your daily activities!
Here's my friend, Brandi! Brandi is a sufferer of dwarfism, and is unable to reach the snowglobe on her high shelf. But wait, with the help of the Shelf-and-a-half, she can reach the snowglobe and shake it too!
To get your Shelf-and-a-half, call now and we'll send you one for only $19.99. That's right, a $40 value for only 20 bucks! But wait, there's more! Call now and you can get a second Shelf-and-a-half absolutely FREE! Just pay shipping and handling! Just dial up the number on the screen and get yourself two Shelfs-and-a-half! Our operators are standing by.

24.
Exhausted with all those cups doing that? Don't like doing that other thing?
Well me too, and that's why I've got this thing: The Shelf-and-a-half! This thing is like a cabinet and a shelf, I guess, and comes with a droppable stool attachment that you can use if you're short, and then put it back.
Here's my friend, Brandi. Brandi's a dwarf, and can't reach that snowglobe. But with the help of the Shelf-and-a-half, she can reach the snowglobe and shake it too. SHAKE THE SNOWGLOBE, BRANDI, DON'T JUST STAND THERE!
The thing's only $19.99. But wait, there's more. Call now and you can get a second Shelf-and-a-half. Just pay shipping and handling. Call the number there. Our operators are standing by.

37.
Okay, what the fuck is going on? Why do those cups keep falling? Why does only my voice exist right now?
Oh, here I am. Okay, there's a shelf here. Look, it's like a cabinet too. And a stool drops down.
Oh look, there's Brandi. What's up. Look, just pick up the snowglobe and we can move on. SHAKE THE FUCKING SNOWGLOBE BRANDI! FUCK!
Okay, call that number there.

52.
Cue cups falling. Cue hand searching.
Hi, look at this shelf. Fuck this thing.
Brandi, just shake the fucking snowglobe.
Look, if anybody's watching, please call this number. SAVE US!

59.
The clattering never stops. Oh look, the hand just flipped me the bird.
This fucking shelf piece of shit! Look how flimsy it is! See how easily my foot goes through it! Put an old lady on there and she'd die.
Shut up Brandi. Look, either you shake that snowglobe or we're just gonna be fucking standing in this empty room forever. I don't care. Shut up. SHAKE THE SNOWGLOBE YOU BITCH!
Watch as I use the components of the Shelf-and-a-half to tear my own eyes out while you call this number! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

75.

92.
GIVE ME SOME HEAD YOU FUCKING BITCH!

97.
Hi, my name's J- Shut up you bitch. You may be wondering what I'm doing with this woman tied up. Well, you see, I'm trapped in some kind of infomercial purgatory and I've decided that perhaps ritual sacrifice is the way to g- Stay on the ground. As you can see, I've disassembled the Shelf-and-a-half into its components and will now push this rather large nail right in between Brandi's eyes. Hold still, Brandi!
Mmmmm, don't you just love that sound folks! Sadly, it doesn't seem to have worked. I'm going to kill myself now!

111.
Your turn.

112.
My turn.

113.
Your turn.