Words of Wisdom From The Desk Of Richard Chappell

ca. 1920

SCP-046-ARC, infamous Chicago Spirit leader Richard Chappell, was detained by the Foundation in 1933 after a raid on his estate and placed in containment. Due to Chappell's increasing age, both his mental and physical wellness rapidly deteriorated during his confinement. In his last few years, he was a shell of his former self, often ranting to himself about topics no one else quite understood, or lost in his own memories. What follows is a short collection of some of his more outrageous statements, collected by his personal nurses.

"I don't trust no man who drinks water. Fish fuck in that stuff, see?"

"I don't think children should be heard or seen. Fuck 'em. No children."

"You know, I saw some kid putting ketchup on his hot dog today. Really pissed me off."
"I killed him."

"You know who I don't trust? Women. And men are on THIN FUCKING ICE!"

"Is it still okay to say Oriental? I can't remember."

"You know what I hate? Clowns. Fuck them and fuck their milk."

"I went to the soup kitchens the other day because I got a bit peckish and didn't want to buy anything. Saw a lot of Italians there. We sure do live in a society."

"When I was younger, my mother used to put a thermometer in my ass. I rather enjoyed that."

"Saw a man kiss another man the other day. Awful brave of him."

"They say it's a bad idea, but has anyone really tried to put cocaine up their ass?"

"I used to kill rats with a baseball bat. Still do. Just use a cricket bat now. Wider range."

"What the fuck is cricket? One of them Irish sports?"

"You know those holes in the bottoms of barrels? Got my schlong stuck in one of them once."

"You know what? Fuck Faeries. I oughta give them a whack with an iron bat if they don't shut up about being oppressed."

"I met a gay robot today. Cool."

"Gave Chester Williams a skull for his birthday. Didn't seem to like it. Shame. I liked that skull."

"I met this stupid doctor guy, somehow he only spoke in lowercase letters. I don't know how that works, but he does. Fuck him anyways."

"Hookers don't bleed if you freeze them first."

"I remember when I was one of the Sea People. Got the gills and everything."

"If you soak the bullets in whiskey, they scream longer."

"Some dumbass served me thin-crust the other day. Said real pizza shouldn't have so much marinara. Now he don't have so much marinara in him anymore."

"I went to a threesome one time. The girl never showed up. But Mama didn't raise no quitter."

"Everybody always comes to tell me, 'ey, you see the boners in the paper today? fine stuff' but buddy, I don't need no paper to check out some boners."

"Why don't homeless people just buy a house?"

"Hey! I can wipe my own ass! Fuck off!"

"I had a goldfish. He's going to live forever. I know that because he never sinks to the bottom and drowns."

"So, I was shooting up heroin behind the Spirit. That's it. That's the end of the story."

"You know who I hate? People without eyelids. Granted, I'm usually the reason they don't have eyelids, but still."

"Why don't orphans just buy a parent?"

"THERE WAS A PETTING ZOO YESTERDAY AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?!"

"Listen, son, when I was your age, we didn't call a man who wanted to dress up like a coyote and have sex with another man dressed up like a bear a 'furry'. We didn't call that man anything at all. That was just poker night."

"Look, I'm not gay, but a full set of adult human teeth is a full set of adult human teeth."

"You kicked the wrong dicksucker!"

"Fuck the disabled, they're goddamn beautiful and horny as hell!"

"Saw a black man with a white woman today. The world is truly cruel. Why do the gals get all the good ones?"

"Do they still do full body bone replacements? My spine itches."

"They call me Dick Chappell 'cause the whole congregation comes in to worship."

"I tried to pet a cat today. It bit me. Now it lives in the river."

"I don't get why people say cognitohazards are so bad. Like, just look away from the paper."

"Psst, hey, guard, want to snort some crack?"

"I think I might be gay."