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by AnActualCrow

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Judge
Mister Duchamp, are you aware that you have been accused of assaulting and battering fellow anartist Julia Emmerson?
Duchamp
Yes… yes, your honor. Sorry, not used to this court business.
Judge
Mister Duchamp, do you have a lawyer?
Duchamp
I'll represent myself, my man— I mean, your honor. You know what they say: if you don't do it yourself, it ain't done right. My ex girlfriend used to say that to herself when we were together. Get outta bed, light up a smoke, disappear to the bathroom with her—
Judge
Please don't continue.
Stone
Your honor, you can't possibly believe that this client is worth your time. He's clearly drunk.
OBJECTION!
Duchamp
A couple Whiteclaws ain't shit, your honor. There's no way I can be drunk. It's preposterous. Absolutely absurd.
Judge
Let the record show that—
Duchamp
I'm not done yet! It's factually foolish. Ridiculously ridiculous. You'd have to be a smooth-brained baboon to assume to say that me, the Ruiz Duchamp, is drunk.
Stone
Your honor, I'd like to conduct a breathalyzer test on the defendant.
Judge
That's… understandable, to say the least. An officer should be over here in around 15 minutes.
Duchamp
That's all the time I need to win this damn case.
Judge
Let the record show that you're currently far from winning "this damn case".
Stone
Anyways, my client alleges that on June 3rd, 2021, he was approached by defendant Ruiz Duchamp. Duchamp offered to sell her, in his words: "Tarkan stones. These are rocks from the last island in existence we're talking about."
When my client asked how this supposed island could be the last one in existence when the earth and multiple islands within it are obviously still present, Duchamp became belligerent. He began insisting that my client was questioning his methods and retrieved one of his alleged Tarkan stones from his jacket, which I would like to present to the court.

Anthony Stone pulls out a sealed bag with a rock inside of it, placing it on the table.

Stone
Your honor, this is just a normal rock.

Ruiz Duchamp slams his hands on the table.

Duchamp
He's stalling for time your honor. All this business about rocks is clearly deflecting from the fact that I did not break Clara's nose by shoving a Tarkan crystal in her face!
Stone
Which brings us to our next piece of evidence. Your honor, the weapon used to assault my client.

Anthony Stone pulls out a sealed bag with a quartz crystal inside of it, placing it on the table.

Stone
While you may not be able to see it from here, your honor, this piece of quartz has a price sticker on it. Clearly, this was purchased by Duchamp prior to his assault.
It isn't from Tarkan, it isn't from some magical island at the end of the universe, it's just a hunk of quartz. Mister Duchamp is clearly deranged. Is it so hard to believe that a man in this mental state would attack an innocent woman such as my client?
HOLD IT!
Duchamp
So you're saying that my "hunk of quartz", which I would like to remind you is also a rare Tarkan crystal, has a price sticker on it?
Stone
I wouldn't have to say it, since it's visibly present on the… crystal. But yes.
Duchamp
And you're assuming, therefore, that I must have purchased it from a store prior to assaulting— ALLEGEDLY ASSAULTING— Ms. Emmerson?
Stone
Yes.
Duchamp
And because there is a discrepancy in your belief that I purchased the Tarkan crystal from a store and my testimony that it is from The Last Island, you are claiming that I'm deranged?
Stone
Are you going to continue summarizing my arguments or are you planning on having an original thought?
Duchamp
And you assume this discrepancy DESPITE the fact that, as a vendor of Tarkan minerals, I may have added the price sticker myself.
You also assume this discrepancy DESPITE the fact that I may have purchased the crystal from a store on The Last Isle.
In either case, I would not be deranged and your argument would fall to pieces like a sand castle at high tide.
Judge
Mister Duchamp.
Duchamp
Ye?
Judge
Did you add the price sticker to the qua—

Duchamp glares at the judge. In Duchamp's eyes, the judge sees the wrath, the indignation, the scorched earth that would serve as his hometown's grave. There are no Four Horsemen, only an ungodly mass.

Hooves and skulls, manes and armor. A Nightmare.

Judge
T-to the c-crystal? Sir.

Duchamp looks down and rubs his chin.

Duchamp
Don't remember.

Duchamp retrieves a Whiteclaw from his jacket.

Judge
Sir, you're not allowed to drink in the courtroom.
Duchamp
It's mostly water, but if you insist…

Duchamp places the opened can into his jacket.

Duchamp
Now, in regards to my defense, I would like to call a witness to the stand.
Judge
Please proceed.

Duchamp walks to the witness stand and crouches behind it. A sock puppet is raised above the stand.

Sock Puppet
Hi, I'm Socko! I'm here to testify!
Judge
Let the record show that… Socko here sounds like Duchamp with a high-pitched voice and a sad excuse for a southern accent.
Stone
Your honor, if you put up with this any longer this place will be closer to a circus than a courtroom.
Judge
Agreed. Mister Duchamp, remove yourself from the witness stand at once.
Socko
…now, I've known Ruiz for a long time, and I can tell you that he's a fine, upstanding man. When there was a spider in his jacket, I saw him put it in a cup and release it instead of squashing it…
Judge
Security, can you ple—
Duchamp
No, no, it's fine.

Duchamp finishes drinking his can of Whiteclaw, crushes the can underneath his foot, and returns to the defendant's table unassisted.

Socko
…and he told me that when he was a boy scout he would always wait with someone if they had to tie their shoes. And that man grew up to be an Eagle Scout!…
Stone
I— er… Your Honor, I was planning on calling my own witness up to the stand.
Judge
Yeah… if we could just… security, can you remove Socko from the stand?

Security places Socko inside of a shoe box and removes her from the witness stand. Muffled testimony can be heard in the background for the remainder of the trial.

Judge
You may call your witness to the stand, Mister Stone.
Stone
Thank you. I would like to present Miss Alacia Thorton, who saw Mister Duchamp assault my client through anomalous means. Tell them what you saw, Alacia.
Thorton
Okay— so one day I was going through this anart exhibition, and I saw a piece called "POV: Me" which, might I add, is a pretty awful title.
Duchamp
"Twilight Embrace" isn't much better, Alacia.
Thorton
Why don't you start focusing on paying rent instead of going after the people who can.
Judge
Ms. Thorton, do you know Mister Duchamp?
Thorton
Sure, I know him. Bargain bin anartist with garbage bin anart.
Duchamp
You literally draw furry porn.
Thorton
I make enough money to support myself as a freelancer. Because I'm not some stuck-up, deadbeat—
Judge
Miss Thorton, can you please finish your testimony.
Thorton
Sorry, your Honor. Anyways, "POV: Me" is a VR headset that shows you the world through Ruiz's eyes. I decided to put on the headset, and that was when I saw Ruiz hit that poor woman over the head with a geode. I saw it through his eyes!
Duchamp
Maybe you just need to spend some of your art money on a pair of glasses.
Thorton
I wear contacts, dumbass.
Duchamp
Well, you clearly need better contacts. Talking about me swinging a geo—

Thorton Laughs.

Thorton
You throw insults like you're in fifth grade. What's next? Are you going to say that you—
Judge
Order! Mister Duchamp, stop arguing with the witness and begin your cross examination.
Duchamp
Sorry your Honor, it's just everything she's said has been complete bullshit. As usual.
Judge
Mister Duchamp!
Duchamp
What?! You told me to cross examine! I'm cross examining!
Judge
…
Duchamp
Anyways, you said that I hit Miss Emmerson with a geode.
Stone
God, not this again…
Duchamp
Despite the fact that I h— ALLEGEDLY hit her with a crystal.
Thorton
A geode is a type of crystal.
Duchamp
What? No, a geode is a rock with crystals in it.
Judge
Duchamp's right. Geodes and crystals are completely different things.
Thorton
Well— I— You know what I meant! I saw him do it!
Duchamp
Uh huh. And you said that I hit Miss Emmerson over the head with the crystal? I'm assuming you meant I used a sort of swinging motion?
Thorton
I… Well I don't know! Why don't you tell me how you did it?!…
Duchamp
Your Hon—
Thorton
You little shit!

Duchamp glares at Thorton before turning to face the judge.

Duchamp
Your Honor, the prosecution claims that I broke Miss Emmerson's nose by jabbing a crystal into her face, while the prosecution's witness claims that I hit Miss Emmerson over the head with a geode.
Something isn't adding up. I'd go so far as to say that my dearly despised Alacia Thorton didn't witness anything. She just made it up for the purpose of getting me prosecuted!
Judge
You forgot to say "end cross-examination."
Duchamp
What?
Judge
When you finish cross examining someone, you're supposed to say "end cross-examination." You forgot to say it.
Duchamp
Oh. So I just… end cross-examination.

The Judge nods.

Judge
You may proceed.
Duchamp
So, um… yeah, what I said earlier. She lied about the whole thing. Isn't a witness. I'm guessing you can, like, throw her out or something?
Thorton
No— I'd— I saw—
…
You want some honesty? Some honest fucking testimony? I wouldn't have been in this mess if you—

Thorton points at Stone.

Thorton
Had given me the right fucking details! And I wouldn't even have to be here if you—

Thorton points at the judge.

Thorton
and your justice system weren't filled with money-milking, punitive bullshit! And none of us would have gotten roped into this shit if you—

Thorton points at Duchamp.

Thorton
Weren't so fucking weird all the time about your magic crystals! Nobody cares about them. So there. There's your witness testimony.

Thorton returns to the prosecution table.

Judge
…
Stone
…
Duchamp
Hey. How much did Emmerson pay you?
Thorton
More than you make in a year, jackass.
Duchamp
So it wasn't just the art then.
Thorton
Where are you going with this?
Duchamp
It's just… I can understand why you mixed up where I'd hit her. It wouldn't be the first time your anatomy was off.
Thorton
You little fuck.

Thorton grabs the bag with the quartz crystal and climbs over the prosecution table. Duchamp is chased out of the courtroom while giggling to himself.

Silence, with the exception of Socko's muffled speech, fills the courtroom.

Stone
So, what now?
Judge
… Court adjourned.

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