Context: This was an entry in the 2015 April Fool's Crackfic Contest
Senior researcher Mars sucked in one last desperate, gasping death as she began to die. The hole in her chested burned. She could feel herself, floating upwards, lighter and lighter, as though she was made of feathers. A burst of color struck her senses. It even tasted and smelled bright.
Senior researcher Mars sucked in one last desperate, gasping death as she began to die. The hole in her chested burned. She could feel herself, floating upwards, lighter and lighter, as though she was made of feathers. A burst of color struck her senses. It even tasted and smelled bright. Was this what the afterlife was like?
Mars opened her eyes….
And saw Sophia Light.
"What is this? Is this the afterlife? Are you dead too?" Mars shook her head, trying to clear out the last vestiges of yellow from her eyes and ears.
Sophia turned to stare at Mars. "I… recognize you."
Mars tried to stand up. Shakily, she managed to crawl up to her knees. She looked up again and saw 682 staring back at her.
"Oh god! Sophia! Why are you… riding 682? What is this place? What's going on?"
"Oh." Sophia looked down at her mount. "Um… just because? This is the afterlife. To some degree." 682 huffed in agreement, before growing out several more eyes and limbs.
"But… Argh. This is confusing. Why are you in the afterlife if you are not dead? I don't remember hearing about you dying. Was there another containment breach?"
All around, an seemingly infinite plane stretched. Mars tentatively reached out a hand, and unexpectedly found a wall. The only source of light seemed to be coming from…. Sophia, apparently.
"This… it might be easier to show you."
The floor cleared. All of a sudden, the 3 of them were floating a mile above a frozen mountain range. Below, shifting ice crackled as massive chunks collapsed into a bay.
"Site-6. You used to work here, right?"
"Yes… I used to. And I still do." The landscape stretched, and a cubicle was shown. Space curved around the visitors, allowing them all to fit. Nobody seemed to notice anything. Sophia Light was hard at work, typing on a computer a new report for a new SCP. And yet Sophia Light looked over her shoulder with an old friend behind. "And yet I never did."
With a single hand wave, the Sophia working at the desk was gone. And with another wave, she was back again. This time, she turned around and gave a blank smile to the invisible visitors, before going back to her work.
"I'm not really here, Mars." Sophia gave a little smile.
Mars was shocked. "Explain, Sophia. How can this be? Showing isn't enough."
"I..I'll do my best. Nearly 2000 years ago, I was transported out of the timeline, due to… Events. I could see everything. Including you, who had been changed. We had separated, neither remembering the other. I could not bear this. So, using my new abilities, I began changing things. You kept your identity. I influenced the subconscious of this timelines version of me. Now, when she dies, she'll be a part of me. And we'll all be together!" The shining Sophia suddenly increasing her luminosity.
"Look!" And the white plain was back. "Look what I have done, Mars!"
Shifting icons began appearing. Codes, names, SCP numbers. They collapsed into a sphere of spinning letters and phrases, going faster and faster and faster. 682 reared its head and roared in triumph.
"All of these are my changes to this reality. All of this is for you! I've learned so much… And now, at least, we can be together. Forever. Nothing separating us. You were a Nobody. Now, you can be my everything. The entire afterlife, ours to enjoy forever!"
The infinite plane yawned before Mars, its emptiness echoing in upon itself. Mars, 682 and Sophia stood alone.
Mars collapsed in despair and shock. The whole afterlife? Gone? What about the others who had died? "No, Sophia. This is not how things should have turned out. You were an expert in biology for crying out loud! How can you know for sure the consequences of your actions? And this after life. Its not right. There is more to life than you and me. I know you did this out of love, and I love you too, but you have to let go. In the end, to the passing of time, we are.. nothing. Nobody. Shut this down. "
"NO! This is it. There is no other afterlife. I did this for you. For You! You can't turn it down! You can't!" Sophia's glow had become unbearably bright. All of 682's eyes had closed, and its back had developed reflective armor. Had they both become larger? Was there really no way out?
Mars sobbed. She could do nothing for the others by herself. Helpless. "Fine then. Just… tell me. Is there anything you can do to restore things? Just a little bit? There has to be other people in left in this place. Just one person would be enough. Just one."
Sophia smiled, a little smile, and she dimmed to a bearable level. 682 stood up, and carried her over to Mars. Sophia leaned close, caressing Mars's cheek, and whispered: "Nobody."

92.95 million miles away
"What the hell man, I need a rocket launcher. Its not that hard. It doesn't even have to be a big one. Give it to me and I'll be on my way."
"Clef. This is the afterlife. Why do you think we have rocket launchers? Yes, we have some. No, I am not letting you take any. If the O5 council won't give you any, why should I? Besides, we need them for the everlasting torment. I mean, you have the ability to come back to life. Isn't that enough?"
"I'll sell you my soul."
"Clef, we all know you don't have one. Even if you did, I wouldn't take the dirty thing. I'm tired of your damn shenanigans and claiming to be me all the time. I have a reputation to protect, you know. Get out, and next time, Loki or Hades or whoever the fuck you choose to bother that's not me can deal with you."
"After coming all this way to visit you, my friend?"
"Yes."
"Fine. So be it. But I'm taking the Fedora."
"No, you are not taking my damn Fedora."
"Why does the devil even need a Fedora? All it does is cover up your horns and make you look old."
"Just… shut up Clef. Just shut up."