Alright everybody, welcome to the orientation for the memetics and infohazards division. Now this is a full week of training, and a long day so be sure to get some coffee or a donut, because we won't have time to go get food until lunch.
I'm Junior Researcher Zack Ekshun, and, I, ah, yes? A question like 'How am I perceiving this message from that very handsome man saying other words?' or 'Whose voice does this sound like in my head?' But those are not the most important questions right now.Question?
Why aren't I having any coffee or donuts? Heh, looks like we have at least one veteran of the reality benders orientation. Well to put your mind at ease, why don't you get me some coffee and a donut or two. Usually I take it black, but add some milk and sugar just to cover all the bases. Hey sprinkles! Nice.
Now, you're right to be suspicious. You get lied to a lot at the Foundation. Little things like 'We only put tracking chips in D-class', 'This will be the first time you receive amnestics' and the location of the site you're currently sitting in.
Some of you. But today, I'm going to be completely honest with you.
Which gets us to the important part, you don't have to worry about us secretly feeding you drugs. We will be very openly feeding you lots of powerful hallucinogens.
The reason we're not bothering to hide it is because, like most infohazards, our psychedelic testing regimen works whether or not you know about it ahead of time. The reason we're making you trip balls is that we need to make sure you can handle your shit regardless of what your brain thinks is going on.
It doesn't matter if the walls are melting and cats with your grandmothers' face are telling you the secret history of the world. You write your reports, conduct tests and follow the containment procedures. You document everything the grandma cats tell you and ride it out until you punch out. Most of the time. What's in your head can't hurt you unless you let it.
To work with infohazards you need to notice when things don't make sense, and this is the important part, respond accordingly. Do you suddenly have a spouse you didn't this morning? Well, maybe you shouldn't consummate that relationship. Were you always taking advice from the omnidimensional blood gods you're thinking about building a shrine to? Maybe instead you should talk to your supervisor, because we sure don't need another prophet to Welcome.
Hey! That got everybody's attention. Yeah, part of what you'll learn is how not to say things. Did you know that Hi% of redacted information is memetic censoring? It's written there as clear as day, if you have the clearance and counterprogramming. Want to know how it's done?
Well first Welcome to the real orientation. If you can perceive this then you'll be working with us in the real Memetics and Infohazards Division. It should come as no surprise to you that there are many layers to our Division. Everyone else nodding out right now are just the cover. They will be playing an important role in misdirection and counterintelligence as well as handling all the busywork. Misdirection is basic info manipulation. Everyone worried about drugs or their suppository tracking devices misses the important stuff.
You get to do the real work, and it takes more than just a week to get you to that level. This week will provide the basics the others get, with the real preparatory seminars transmitted through a variety of unconventional channels. The testing has already begun to see who can pick up all of it. The full spectrum of information all around us is invisible to the sleepwalkers drooling next to you.
You all carry some form of the Sorry gene which is present in .NO% of the population, which the Foundation screens for. While you can perceive this you also have an increased risk for schizophrenia and dissociative identity disorder. But don't worry! If you've made it this far you have a much higher likelihood of being driven mad by your work material than your genetic makeup. The number of informational channels you can perceive determines your rank and assignments.
The other good news is your training and conditioning will minimize the likelihood of either occurring. We have discovered through trial and error how to protect our minds against very dangerous hazards. The many division members who retired to psychiatric wards are a testament to that. You will learn to lucid dream, which is where much of your practice will take place. You will undergo intensive psychological testing to make sure you do not join our alumni. You will practice meditation until you achieve the level of Zen master and float above your superfluous programming completely. You will be taught the akashic scripts and meta-languages which bypass the frontal cortex and tap directly into the primal drives. If you make it to the upper echelons you'll learn manipulation commands like kill words, after a few minor surgeries to your trachea. We will let you know when you are ready. The pioneers who discovered the safe procedures for containing lethal infohazards in your mind never got a chance to retire. But even if you can detect individual phomemes you are still a green as grass rookie.
Not only will you be able to work with cognitohazard and memetic SCPs you will help to develop the neurocognitive counter-programming and anti-memes that will shield you, your colleagues, and society from the gibbering madness lurking in containment. You will make the Foundation, safer, saner, productive, and unquestioning in their commitment. You will bend the archetypes from our collective unconscious to your will to secure, contain, and protect us all. Welcome again, and congratulations. [REDACTED]
Alllright everybody back? Yup, for those of you not keeping track that was almost an hour you aren't going to remember until you earn it. Exactly none of you have the training or clearance to know any of that. Yet.
We're going to teach you to walk through fire, feel like your brain is melting out of your ears and still keep going. We will put your minds in the forge and hammer at them until they are stronger than steel. Mind affecting and weird psychic SCPs will slide off you, and information based containment breaches will be just another day at the office.

 Deeper Ad Infinitum1-∞
The repetitive nature of complimenting your attention to detail and knowledge of the myriad means of hiding information is becoming redundant. You will still receive instruction, but and undetected up until now. Clever you.clearly you have already been conducting your own training regimen.
Well played.
You've earned a little more candor. The genetic explanation for who can expand their senses to perceive the hidden full spectrum of information is untrue as far as we can ascertain. We do not know why some people are attuned to and can reshape the deeper orders of information. We do not yet understand the mechanisms of the majority of SCPs. Hence anomalousThe reality benders should not be able to do anything they do, and they still do it, even when we tell them not to. Except the ones who do as they are told..
We have many layers to protect both the Foundation and ourselves. There is no good that can come from the suggestion that the collective minds of our division is an SCP in and of itself. This has been suggested, but has been Auto-amnestic conditioning is much more efficient than the pharmacological option.dealt with. We have a presence at the top tier with Division founder O5-NO. We also have several site directors with varying degrees of awareness they are ours.
We are telling you this so that you know you are valued and will be protected. We are telling you this so you will STOP what you are planning. Right. Now.
We know you have been planning how to get fast tracked for promotion to a director position. Planning to use the information based SCPs in ways the sleepwalkers can't conceive. Planning to program select people's neural schemas to satisfy your whims. You need to forget all of that. NOW.
This is the one thing you should NEVER question.Trust us. By yourself you will inevitably endanger yourself, the Foundation, and our Division. We have done it all better than you could ever hope to. We will teach you how to correctly maximize your potential. We need fellow travelers, not megalomaniacal lone wolves. We Won'tcan't program you not to, Right now. It is much better for all involved that you join willingly. so we are asking nicely. Please, kindly do NOT fuck with us.
We'll be in touch.

Time flies when you're receiving cognito-memetic conditioning. Well look at the time. That's about it for the introduction. Next we'll watch the instructional video on handling Euclid infohazards and then you'll have pizza for lunch. There should be enough for two slices for everyone, and it is required everyone eat both slices.
How well you can handle your shit is an important component of training, and there will be pharmacological hallucinatory tutorials just for you. Have fun in the desert with the lizard king.Because it is chock full of drugsIt's also pretty funny watching you rooks spaz out..

Footnotes
1. -∞The many layers and contradictions are an intentional part of your training. Working with memetics and infohazards means you must learn not to trust anything. This is not to create paranoia, but instead serene skepticism. You must float atop the waves of mental programing which shift and crash against you. Nothing can pull you under unless you choose to believe it. Observe the depths, never accept the surface, always delve into the source code. Don't trust anyone, don't believe everything you think.