Another tale that started on my youtubes and ended up here. Image credit to Rura. Tale title is a quote from the simpsons. Trying to get better about name checking my title references.

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F.A.Q.

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A man in a orange jumpsuit and a man wearing a white lab coat rounded the corner at full speed and bounced off the wall. They recovered immediately and took off down a long darkened hallway. Just behind them was a 2 or 3 year old child. The child was tottering towards them. Despite it's gait, it seemed to glide just above the floor while it walked. And it was gaining on them. The two men made it to a door just before the child would've caught up with them.
The man in the lab coat turned and passed a key card over the door's access sensor. It turned red and the door slid shut behind them with a loud clank. The dull sound of a fist impacting on metal followed. And then it rang out again. And then again.
The two men stopped and looked at each other.
"Dr. Jacobs." The man in the lab coat said between gulps for air.
"Jeffery Winters. D-9341. Why'd you tell me to run?"
Jacobs chuckled a little and wiped the sweat from his forehead. "Middle of a containment breach and a 2 year old asks for help finding it's mom. What do you think that means?"
Winters nodded back. "Fair."
The door was beginning to show visible dents from the impacts.
Doctor Jacobs shrugged. "That door is like 5 inches of steel. If…"
They both looked over at the door as it buckled slightly in the middle, accompanied by a large impact. The hallway they stood in now was even longer than the last, with a number of doors leading to side rooms. The red glow of the emergency lights barely illuminated it, and Winters couldn't see all the way to the end.
The door buckled again, this time a small gap appearing in the upper left corner as the force pushed the metal out of shape.
Winters looked to the Doctor for guidance. "What now?"
The doctor shrugged again. "It might not be very good at tracking, since it tried to lure us in. We could keep running."
Winters knew he could probably go for a bit longer but the Doctor was still wheezing slightly, with a beet red face. "Maybe we could try to hide?"
The doctor nodded and they moved down the hall. As they passed by doors Jacobs tried his access card on each of them, but none of them would open.
"That card doesn't seem to be very useful," Winters said.
Jacobs laughed. "It gives me general access and a few rooms related to my project. These are probably just for other projects. We need to find one that's…"
The doctor trailed off as he saw the sign directing them to the unisex restroom. Winters looked at the Doctor and pursed his lips. "Better than nothing?"
"Yup."
They ducked into the restroom and stopped to listen. The clanging was further away now but definitely getting louder. Each hit was also accompanied by the tearing of metal.
The restroom had a single red emergency light above the door, 3 stalls, 2 urinals and a single sink. The floor was made up of small raised tiles that were fairly clean. Then again it was pretty dark in here.
The sound of tearing metal was getting more and more intense. Then silence. The two men's breathing slowed more and more as they heard footsteps outside the restroom. The slow drip from one of the faucets was accompanied by a slight buzzing from the emergency light. The two men looked at each other with wide eyes as they heard a child's voice speak from the hallway.
"Mom?"
Winters backed away from the door slowly.
"I wanna go home mom."
The doctor moved away from the door as well, slowly backing up against the back wall. Winters continued to back against the wall until he bumped into the hand dryer. He almost didn't notice at all until the motion sensor activated and it suddenly began loudly blowing air. Winters acted immediately and ran into one of the stalls, closing the door and climbing onto a toilet to stand.
The doctor, however, was slower to react as the door splintered inward.
"Mom? I'm scared."
Doctor Jacobs let out a wheezing yelp and then said "No no no no fuck." before the sound of ripping clothing and flesh filled the room. The snapping of bone and the slosh of blood as it flowed out onto the floor kept up for almost a minute. Along with the screaming. Then it finally cut off with a gurgle. The sound of eating continued on for several minutes, and when it was over the tottering child left the restroom.
Winters had spent the entire ordeal trying not to shit himself. Appropriate though the venue might've been for such an activity, the need to be quiet had took precedence. After waiting for a few more minutes he finally climbed down from the toilet and sat down to recover.
"I'm gonna eat your butt."
Winters stopped. This was a different voice… not coming from outside the stall. It didn't sound like it was coming from anywhere actually, instead echoing around inside his head.
He whispered back. "Who… what are you?"
"I'm the butt ghost. Gonna eat your butt. Nom nom."
There was a long… long pause. "What?"
"Butt ghoooost."
"Wait. You're. Hold on. You're a ghost that is also a butt or…"
"No. Ghost butt is my brother. I'm the butt ghost. I haunt butts. And eat butts. I'm gonna eat your butt."
"Why are you… why would you want to eat my butt?"
"Because I'm the butt ghost."
The toilet was getting bigger. Or he was getting smaller. Or… wait was his butt getting smaller?
It didn't really matter. Try as he might he couldn't get up, or get out. Winters didn't even get a chance to make any noise beyond a small splash as he was pulled in. The toilet ate his butt. And then it ate the rest of him.
The Foundation listed him as Missing in Action when the breach was over. No one thought much of it until the Butt Ghost was re-contained and spoke of the butt in the orange jumpsuit. They eventually linked a cause to his death. The official record was corrected. Jeffery Winters: Eaten by the Butt Ghost. The man filling out the form tried not to laugh.

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