LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE

A Play in Two Acts

by

Gabriel Jade

Cast of Characters

Director Alto Clef: 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　 　　　Foundation employee; voice, not present on stage.

Professor Kain Pathos Crow:　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Foundation employee; a labrador retriever.

Dr. Gears:　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Foundation employee; a man in his mid 40s.

Dr. Jeremiah Cimmerian:　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　 　Foundation employee; a man in his early 30s.

Researcher Gabriel Jade:　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Foundation employee; a man in his early 30s.

Kevin:　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　An inquisitive child.

Brandon:　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　 　A withdrawn child.

Zachary:　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　 　An energetic child.

Scene
The interior of Director Clef's house, and surrounding neighborhood.

Time
The present.

ACT I

Scene 1

SETTING:

We are in the parlor of the CLEF home, a nice looking house in the residential district of the town of Arcadia. The air is thick with cigar smoke. The only thing present which might give an observer reason to believe that this is anything other than a normal suburban home is the presence of dog smoking a cigar and carrying on conversation.

AT RISE:

CROW, GEARS, CIMMERIAN, and JADE sit on chairs around a poker table, playing cards, with a small wooden bracket set up in front of CROW to hold his cards. Piles of poker chips sit before each of them, as well as in front of an empty seat. CLEF is in the adjacent bathroom. Several bottles of beer sit around the table; it is obvious that the group has been playing cards for several hours. The faint light of dusk can barely be seen through the parlor window. CIMMERIAN and JADE are arguing.

CIMMERIAN
(Nearly yelling)

I don't care what your research team calls it, it's lazy containment procedures is what it is. You're telling me we can't take that damn bag away from it?

(JADE shakes his head in disagreement and takes a long draw on his cigar. He blows smoke towards CIMMERIAN as he answers. Suddenly, the doorbell rings from upstairs. CROW strains his vision towards the stairs.)

JADE

Look, you're free to go try. I'm not going to have anyone on my team go trying to rummage around in that bastard's robes. He thinks that invasions of personal privacy are early symptoms to that damn 'disease'.

(GEARS begins to speak, but is cut off by CROW.)

CROW

You guys heard that, right? I think someone's here. Clef, are you gonna answer that?

(CLEF shouts a string of obscenities at CROW from the bathroom. CIMMERIAN leans in face to face with JADE.)

CIMMERIAN

You're telling me we can't safely outfit a task force in full body suits to restrain it and search it for the damn thing? It's not even that strong, it seems like you aren't even trying!

(The doorbell rings again, twice in rapid succession this time. GEARS attempts to interject into the argument, but is cut off by CLEF.)

CLEF

(off)
Dammit, will somebody get that fucking door!? A guy can't even take a shit in peace around here.

(CROW jumps down from his chair and walks upstairs, leaving the sounds of the argument behind him. As he gets to the top of the stairs, knocking on the door can be heard.)

CROW

Hold on, I'm coming. Jeez, what's so urgent that you've gotta interrupt our game?

(CROW pulls on a length of rope tied to the door handle, opening it. KEVIN and BRANDON are standing outside. KEVIN is dressed as Mario, BRANDON as Luigi. Both are holding block-shaped candy buckets. They look at CROW curiously.)

BRANDON

(to KEVIN)
Whoooa! Look at that, they trained their dog to open the door! So cool!

(KEVIN looks around the otherwise empty room while BRANDON leans down to try to pet CROW. CROW eyes the boy and keeps out of reach.)

KEVIN

Hey! Trick or treat!
(confused, to BRANDON)
I don't get it, I heard someone say something just a second ago.

CROW

What are you doing here at this hour? What do you want? Whose kids are you?
(turning to yell downstairs)
Hey, did any of you jagoffs tell your kids to come here? Jade, are these your kids? Do you even have kids!?

(KEVIN and BRANDON stare in disbelief as CROW speaks.)

KEVIN

(aside, to BRANDON)
Whoooa, dude, did that dog seriously just talk?

BRANDON

(aside, to KEVIN)
It's got to be some kind of gimmick. Remember the other house that had a scarecrow sitting there but it was a guy that jumped at us? Something like that.

JADE

(off, faintly)
What? We don't need any kids in here, tell them we don't want any of whatever they're selling, and get back down here, we're ready to deal!

CROW

Sorry kids, we don't want any of your trikkertreat. Go away.
(aside)
What is that anyways, some kind of German thing?

(Both children exclaim in shock and awe as CROW closes the door on them.)

(BLACKOUT)

(END OF SCENE)

ACT II

Scene 1

SETTING:

In the parlor.

AT RISE:

CIMMERIAN, JADE, and GEARS have a modest pile of poker chips in front of them. The pile of chips in front of CLEF's empty chair has grown to monstrous proportions. CROW has no chips remaining and is curled up, sleeping in a recliner. While the subject has changed, JADE and CIMMERIAN remain at each other's throats.

JADE

…Yeah, right. I'm telling you, man, it's a load of bullshit. No self-respecting God would wear a cowboy hat. Hell, if you ask me, it sounds like some jackwagon messing with your files. When's the last time you had IT verify the integrity of your team's database?

(GEARS starts to weigh in, but is interrupted by the doorbell ringing, startling CROW awake, who begins barking frantically at the unexpected noise.)

CLEF

(off)
I'm not gonna let these burgers burn. One of you guys get the door, and fuck's sake, Crow, shut up! We all heard it too!

(CROW swiftly regains his composure, and starts walking to the stairs.)

CROW

I'm out anyways, I'll get it. Again.
(aside)
Cheating sons of bitches. The burgers better be worth it.

(CROW moves to the front door, using the rope to pull it open. ZACHARY is standing at the door, wearing black robes and a plague doctor mask. CROW is visibly shocked.

ZACHARY

Trick or…

(CROW slams the door shut frantically and runs back to the stairs. ZACHARY's confused "treat?" can be faintly heard through the closed door.)

CROW

Fuck! Guys! Fuck! Containment breach! Clef, open the damn garage, I need my walker!

(As CROW re-enters the parlor, JADE, CIMMERIAN, and GEARS are already trying to pile into a saferoom behind a heavy steel door in the parlor. JADE and CIMMERIAN are visibly panicking. By the sound of it, CLEF is still in the other room, grilling burgers.)

CLEF

(off)
I don't care if it's an XK class event, you lost a bet fair and square, so I'm not letting you have it back until you agree to pilot it in the damn Robotnik costume I got for you!

CROW

Clef, goddamn it, now is not the time for that!

CLEF

(off)
No, Crow, now is exactly the time for it. Wear the suit and yell about chaos emeralds, or your stupid mech can rot in my garage for another decade for all I care.

CROW

Are you seriously going to put all our lives at risk for the sake of a stupid fucking joke!?

(JADE pulls a dusty box containing the red and black dog-shaped spandex suit from the saferoom, along with a large walrus-like costume mustache. GEARS opens his mouth to speak, but is shouted over by CIMMERIAN.)

CIMMERIAN

You know damn well he will, just put it on for god's sake!

CROW

You're all a bunch of bastards, you know that?

(BLACKOUT)

(END OF SCENE)

ACT II

Scene 2

SETTING:

In the garage.

AT RISE:

CROW is dressed in the Dr. Robotnik costume, with the gigantic mustache hastily spirit gummed to the tip of his nose. He sits in the cockpit of the egg walker. GEARS stands in the room, pointing his cellphone camera at CROW.

CROW

That's right! I'm the real Dr. Eggman! Back in the flesh, thanks to you, Shadow!
(aside)
I swear I'm gonna take a dump in your shoes, Alto.
(loudly)
Ok, I did it, can I go save us all from a horrible death now!?

(CLEF is heard cackling uncontrollably from the other room. Gears remains expressionless, recording the scene on his phone. Eventually, CLEF gives the 'OK', and GEARS opens the garage door. Crow's egg walker rushes outside, and begins firing tear gas canisters from its arm wildly.)

CROW

Oh my god! It's worse than I thought! They're EVERYWHERE! They're trying to break into people's houses! OH HELL, THEY'VE SPOTTED ME! Get in the saferoom, you idiots! I'll come get you out when this is all over, if — GOOD GOD, LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT ONE!

(The egg walker begins firing large nets from its other hand. Screams are heard from the street.)

CROW

Call in NTF! Call in Hammer Down! For the love of god, CALL SAMSARA!

(The egg walker produces two more arms, which begin firing taser bolts recklessly. In the distance, police sirens are heard.)

(BLACKOUT)

(CURTAIN DOWN)