Not everyone reacts exactly as you do to abuse and trauma. It can cause outright  brain damage and through emotional abuse other, more subtle but still significant physical changes to the brain that can cause insidious changes to one's personality and ability to think clearly. The same  with other kinds of mental illness, which are not all susceptible to self-control.  There are many things one is not able to overcome by willpower alone.  Having said that, I applaud your strength.  It sounds as though you've been on a hard, hard road.  I'm sorry that were abused. No one deserves that.  I wish you well. Take care of yourself.