Problem: Write a negative movie review.

Answer: This is one of the worst films I have *ever* seen! It is bad, even at TV Movie level standards. The plot is diabolically flawed, and the known names in this film are wasted on confused, uncertain characters. I don't know how the director managed to keep this excuse of a film together - it is that bad. Billed as a 'Psychological Horror Thriller' - it is certainly Horrific. There is nothing Thrilling about it. And it could do you Psychological damage! The initial opening scenes held such promise - a possible embarkation on whether the soul is just an aspect of the brain, but the utter shambles that followed the car-crash scene is beyond belief. No matter how hard you try, you couldn't care less about the characters. There are so many sprinkled ideas that the film is at best a collage of disconnected phrases from Chinese philosophers, and at worst the film would actually make you go Brain Dead!

I have purchased over 300 films on DVD, and this is the FIRST one I'm going to get my money back on. STEER CLEAR.

Problem: Write a positive movie review.

Answer: A riotous farce set in the world of glamorous daytime soap operas! This film is hilarious! Admittedly, you have to have a taste for films with screaming, hysterical dialogue, over-the-top acting, and melodramatic plot twists. But if you do, you're in for one hell of a treat.

Sally Field plays Celeste Talbert, daytime TV's "Queen of Misery." Celeste's cushy life is thrown into upheaval with the unexpected arrival of Lori Craven (Elisabeth Shue), her long-lost niece, and, simultaneously, Jeffrey Anderson (Kevin Kline - splendid as always), Celeste's long-ago lover. But Celeste has been hiding a deep, dark secret, and the arrival of Lori and Jeffrey might just bring it to the surface. Add in the diabolical Montana Moorehead (a wonderful Cathy Moriarty, in full "gorgeous woman with testosterone to spare mode"), who is trying mighty hard to destroy Celeste's career; David (Robert Downey, Jr.), the weenie-boy producer of the soap who's secretly plotting with Montana to ruin Celeste; and, Rose Schwarz (Whoopi Goldberg), scriptwriter and Celeste's one true confidant, and you are in for a heaping helping of subplots and general chaos.

Chaotic comedies like this are tricky to execute (does anyone remember 'Mixed Nuts'?), but when done well, can be pretty damn funny! A major ingredient that is necessary to any good comedy is the casting of seasoned pros who know that lots of times the funniest things are not said but seen in an expression or a look. Field, Kline, Goldberg, and the rest all work together so well and are clearly having a great time that it is hard not to become drawn in by their energy and enthusiasm. Shue is clearly the weakest link here, but she only draws attention to herself because she is surrounded by Field, Kline, et al. Moriarty is a stand-out in the showy villainess role, making you think of the hottest damn dominatrix you ever did see!! There are also lots of familiar faces that you'll recognize in small (but, nevertheless, all very funny) roles, including Carrie Fisher, Garry Marshall, Kathy Najimy, and Teri Hatcher. Director Michael Hoffman keeps the pace swift and the histrionic plot moving toward the big finish. Mention must also be made of Robert Harling's screenplay, carefully constructed to stage a soap opera within a soap opera. The dialogue is boiling over with great lines, delivered brilliantly by the actors (I'd be willing to bet that a lot of this stuff was improvised).

Look, if you want to see a bunch of pros doing what they do best and having a great time doing it, get your hands on this one. If not for anything else, it will put you in a good mood and make you laugh!

Problem: Write a positive movie review.

Answer: "In the world of old-school kung fu movies, where revenge pictures came a dime a dozen, it took a lot for a film to stand out -- and even more to make it a fan favorite after all these years. What is arguably Chang Cheh's finest movie continues to hold influence over the Hong Kong movie industry, from the themes of loyalty, brotherhood and revenge as explored by John Woo (who got his start in the HK movie industry working for Chang) during the heyday of heroic bloodshed during the late 1980's, to more modern movies like A Man Called Hero, which sports a character in a costume inspired by this film. The influence has also carried into other areas as well, from music such as the Wu-Tang Clan, TV commercials for Sprite and video games such as "Mortal Kombat." So what makes this movie so special? The plot -- on the surface -- is pretty simple. It deals with members of a rogue group known as the "Poison Clan" who are searching for a treasure hidden by their sifu. All of the members of the clan have extraordinary kung fu abilities, denoted by their animal styles, or "venoms" (the lizard can climb walls, the scorpion has a deadly strike, etc.). The twist is that since the clan always wears masks, not all of them known who the others are. Thus a simple plot becomes almost a suspense thriller. We're not talking The Usual Suspects here, but it's far above many other kung fu movies of the time. Supposedly, Golden Harvest was not too happy with Chang's script -- like most of his movies, they felt it was too dark and violent -- and they actually wanted him to add broad comic relief to it. Thankfully, Chang stuck to his guns and stayed with his original script, which has since has become revered as one of the best for the films of its time, if not ever, completing an almost perfect dramatic arc and providing the perfect backbone for the extraordinary action sequences.

But what really solidifies the movie are the venoms themselves. Chang Cheh hit upon a magical formula with the cast -- not only did he gain talented martial artists (whose moves, competed without the aid of wires or other special effects, put most modern martial artists to shame) but great actors as well. The formula proved so popular that Chang usually had one or more of the venoms in his later movies. Getting back to matters at hand, in most old-school movies, the actors seem to playing out cardboard cutouts, but here the actors actually create characters. It seems that everyone has a favorite venom (mine is Philip Kwok -- best known to many as Mad Dog from Hard-Boiled -- as Lizard) and it is this personal connection to the characters that The Five Deadly Venoms generates which makes it a true classic of the genre. Even if you're normally not a fan of old-school movies, you need to check The Five Deadly Venoms out, if for nothing else to see where modern movies got their inspiration from."

Problem: Write a positive movie review.

Answer:
John Thaw, of Inspector Morse fame, plays old Tom Oakley in this movie. Tom lives in a tiny English village during 1939 and the start of the Second World War. A bit of a recluse, Tom has not yet recovered from the death of his wife and son while he was serving during the First World War. If you can imagine Inspector Morse old and retired, twice as crochety as when he was a policeman, then you've got Tom Oakley's character.

Yet this heart of flint is about to melt. London children are evacuated in advance of the blitz. Young William (Willie) Beech is billeted with the protesting Tom. Willie is played to good effect by Nick Robinson.

This boy is in need of care with a capital C. Behind in school, still wetting the bed, and unable to read are the smallest of his problems. He comes from a horrific background in London, with a mother who cannot cope, to put it mildly.

Slowly, yet steadily, man and boy warm to each other. Tom discovers again his ability to love and care. And the boy learns to accept this love and caring. See Tom and Willie building a bomb shelter at the end of their garden. See Willie's joy at what is probably his first ever birthday party thrown by Tom.

Not to give away the ending, but Willie is adopted by Tom after much struggle, and the pair begin a new life much richer for their mutual love.

In this movie, Thaw and Robinson are following in a long line of movies where man meets boy and develop a mutual love. See the late Dirk Bogarde and Jon Whiteley in "Spanish Gardener". Or Clark Gable and Carlo Angeletti in "It Started in Naples". Or Robert Ulrich and Kenny Vadas in "Captains Courageous". Or Mel Gibson and Nick Stahl in "Man Without a Face".

Two points of interest. This is the only appearance of Thaw that I know of where he sings. Only a verse of a hymn, New Jerusalem, but he does sing.

Second, young Robinson also starred in a second movie featuring "Tom" in the title, "Tom's Midnight Garden", which is based on a classic children's novel.