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Your children will likely be angry and upset once you tell them about the divorce, so try not to react similarly. Wait to break the news when you can discuss the subject effectively and still be in control of your emotions. Remember, the point of the discussion is to be there for the kidsthey shouldn't have to comfort you. It is best to tell the children when both parents are present, so you can present a united front. You and your spouse should decide how much you will share and who will do most of the talking. Agree about everything in advance. If your marriage is ending due to abuse or your spouse simply will not cooperate, just plan to tell the children on your own. Your words can show a united front, too. Try to use "we" as much as possible instead of he, she, or I. The age of your kids should help guide you in what you share about the divorce. You may also want to consider the maturity and development of each of your children. For example, to a preschooler, you might say, "Sweetie, we will be moving into separate houses. You will stay here with Mommy, but you'll still see Daddy on weekends." Slightly older children to adolescents care more about how the divorce will impact their lives. Therefore, you might want to say something like, "Mom and Dad are separating. We won't live together anymore, but you will still be able to go to your same school. You will spend half your time with Mom and half with Dad." Meanwhile, teenagers may have a much better understanding of relationships and may play a role in some of the decision-making. You might say, "We are getting a divorce. We both will continue to live in the same town, so you have a choice of who you'd like to stay with." Tell them as much as you know about how their lives will change, such as where they will live, where they will go to school, and where the dog will be. Do this without going into the messy details of why the divorce is happening. Skip any information that places blame on either parent. If you'd like to offer a brief explanation of why you are divorcing to older kids, you might say, "Mom and Dad aren't happy together anymore." If they have questions, answer them as fully and candidly as possible without straying from your plan. " Tell them that it was a mutual decision made by the adults. If you've been arguing a lot, acknowledge that and explain that the two of you are trying to determine what is best for the family. Resist the urge to point fingers or pull the kids into the middle of adult affairs. For instance, say, "Mom and Dad have grown apart. We are fighting a lot. It will be best if we live apart." It's best to break the news as a group with all your children present. After you break the news with everyone, follow up with each child on their own. However, if you believe an older child's reaction may upset any younger children, you might choose to break the news separately and tailor each response to the specific child.
Get your own emotions in check. Plan to do it together, if possible. Select an age-appropriate explanation. Provide need-to-know information only. Avoid using phrases that include the words "fault" or "blame. Have a follow-up with each individual child.