Article: Don't immediately spank your child if you see them doing something you dislike. Talk to them first, and try a nonviolent method of discipline if needed. If you decide to spank a child, it should only be as a last resort, after other methods have failed. Conditional spanking (a mild spanking after a 2-to-6-year-old child has defied a less extreme form of discipline) is less risky than spanking as a first resort, according to some studies. The child may not have realized that what they did was wrong, or maybe you misunderstood what happened. Talking can help clarify the situation: either helping the child realize why their decision was a bad one or helping you realize that your child didn't misbehave after all. If you're too upset to be calm, say "I'm so upset, I need a break to calm down." Walk out of the room and take some deep breaths. Then come back. Older children are able to self-reflect and realize why something is wrong. Ask them how they think other people feel about what they did, or what their actions caused. You can use nonviolent communication and "I" phrasing for scripts like "When you ____, I feel ____." For example: "How do you think your sister will feel about you breaking her toy?" "When I didn't see you in the store, I felt really scared. I need you to stay close by so I know you're safe and not lost." "How do you think Dad felt when he had to clean poop out of the bathtub?" Not every learning opportunity needs to involve punishment. For example, if your child resolves to do things differently after a conversation, then there's no need to punish them: they learned on their own. Sometimes, it's you who needs the learning opportunity. Perhaps you expected too much of your child, or put them in a stressful situation that they weren't able to handle calmly. Kids don't always have the emotional tools to handle stress in a mature way. Try letting it go this time, and keeping your child's limits closer in mind next time. Firmly and patiently tell them what needs to happen. Spanking should never be a first resort, and there are other ways to handle misbehavior. Firmly say no. Give a short, clear response to them in a stern voice. For example, "we do not throw snowballs at people's faces." Clap-growl. For a young child, clap your hands loudly enough to startle them. Then give a firm "no". But don't startle your child too much or else they might start a temper tantrum or argue back. Logical consequences. Tell the child to clean up a mess they made, fix something they broke, or pay for a broken thing they can't fix. This teaches them to fix their own mistakes. (If they are too young to clean or pay for it, you can do it together with them.) Give a choice. Let the child choose between two or three options that you are okay with. For example, if your child is resisting getting dressed, say "You can put on your shirt first or your pants first." Making up. Have the child make amends if they wronged someone. For example, if your son said something mean to his sister, ask him how he could make it up to her by doing something nice for her. Offer suggestions if your child is struggling to think of something (e.g. "you could make her a card"). Time outs. A time out should last roughly 1 minute for each year of age (e.g. 2-minute time outs for a 2-year-old). Removal of privileges. For example, if your child keeps pushing people while playing, take the toy away for now and tell them why. Parenting is hard, and it's normal to get frustrated or mad sometimes. If you feel like you're going to explode, step out of the room to calm down. You can discipline your child once you are level-headed. Tell your child, "I am so mad, I don't know what to do! I am going to take a break to deal with my emotions." Sometimes, if a child isn't following a rule often, it's because they're having a hard time (not because they want to be disobedient). Ask "Why is it hard for you to _____?" and listen to them explain why they struggle to follow the rule. Then, work together as a team to help them work on doing what they need to do. If your child struggles with cleaning their room, it might help if you do it with them. Sometimes, kids misbehave because they just don't know better. Try asking the child "What would be a better way to handle that?" or suggesting some ways that they could handle a similar situation next time. Talking it out may help the child understand what to do in the future. If the child agrees to do things better next time, then you may not need to punish them at all. Or, implement some reasonable logical consequences, like having them clean up their mess or apologize to someone they treated unfairly. What matters is that they learn, and punishment often isn't necessary for learning. Let them know that you appreciate it when they behave well and help them feel good about it. This motivates them to do it more often. Here are some examples of good praise: "I saw you being so patient waiting for your turn on the swings! You did a really good job." "I noticed you playing so nicely with your brother. I saw that you aren't hitting him anymore because you know better now. You are growing up into such a kind person." "Thank you for putting on your shoes so quickly! Now we will have even more time at the park because you are ready early." Your child learns how to behave by watching you. Act the way you want your child to act, even if you aren't sure that your child is paying attention. Over time, your child will pick up on your habits. Avoid hypocrisy. For example, if you spank your child, but then you tell your child that hitting is wrong, your child may be skeptical.

What is a summary?
Start small. Ask the child calmly why they did what they did. Talk to the child about the consequences of their actions. Consider whether the child needs to be punished at all. Look at non-physical consequences if needed. Give yourself a time out if you get angry with your child. Help a child who is struggling to do what you ask. Talk to a child about how to behave better next time. Praise the child for good behavior. Be a good role model.