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Arthur and Elaine Aron are a social psychologists who have spent nearly 50 years studying how and why people fall in love. Through their research, the couple developed a list of three dozen questions that can purportedly foster deep intimacy between two people in a lab setting. These questions may not solve your problem but the method has also been shown to rekindle romance in long-term couples and spark connection between relative strangers. Explain the experiment to your partner or the person with whom you want to fall in love. Agree that you will commit to sitting down together until you've answered all 36 questions. The whole process should take a few hours. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest? Would you like to be famous? In what way? Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why? What would constitute a "perfect" day for you? When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else? If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want? Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common. For what in your life do you feel most grateful? If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be? Once you have each answered all of the first 12 questions, reevaluate the experiment. If you're still feeling comfortable with this person, continue to the next 12 questions. Be aware that the questions are designed to gradually prompt deeper and more personal answers. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know? Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it? What is the greatest accomplishment of your life? What do you value most in a friendship? What is your most treasured memory? What is your most terrible memory? If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why? What does friendship mean to you? What roles do love and affection play in your life? Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's? How do you feel about your relationship with your mother? By now, you should be deep in conversation with the person. You may feel a powerful and intimate connection, or you may just feel quite comfortable talking to him or her. If you're still feeling positively about the experiment, move on to the third set of questions and settle in for an even deeper emotional experience. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling ... " Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... " If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself? Tell your partner something that you like about them already. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about? If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet? Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why? Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why? Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen. Research has shown that deep, sustained eye contact can go a long way toward establishing intimate feelings between two people. Eye contact alone may not make you fall in love with someone, but it is certainly a piece of the puzzle. If you want to grow closer with someone, suggest that you try to look into each other's eyes for four minutes straight. If you don't feel comfortable stating your intention, try to make meaningful eye contact whenever you can ideally during conversation or during an intimate moment.
Use the Aron 36-question method. Ask each other the first set of 12 questions. Move on to the second set of questions. Answer the last set of twelve questions. Gaze into each other's eyes.