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You want to catch your partner at a good time. A confrontation about cheating is serious. It should not take place at a time when either of you are busy. Ask your partner ahead of time when a good time to talk is. You could even propose a time you think might work. For example, "If it's okay with you, I would like to talk tomorrow night after dinner." From there, work on eliminating distractions. Make sure, before the talk, you power down electronic devices like the TV and your phones. You want to give this kind of conversation your full attention. You do not want to go into the conversation expecting it to go one way or another. This may affect your behavior, and make it more difficult to remain calm. Talking about cheating will be an emotionally draining experience. If you indulge fantasies in which your partner gets mad or defensive, you'll go into the conversation on edge. Instead, embrace what you don't know. Think to yourself, as you enter the conversation, "I don't know." Remind yourself, as the conversation begins to unfold, "I don't know what is going to happen. I don't know how my partner will react." It's important to stay calm if you want to address the situation in a productive fashion. You likely have questions you want answered and issues you want addressed. In order for this to happen, you cannot completely lose control. Take a few deep breaths before going into the conversation. You may want to even vent your emotions ahead of time, to someone else or in a journal, to get them out of your system. It's okay to have emotions. You may cry or become angry. However, strive to keep these emotions from inhibiting your ability to communicate effectively. You can also act on your emotions after dealing with the situation. "I"-statements are statements phrased in a way to lessen personal judgment. Instead of expressing an objective truth about the situation, you're emphasizing your personal feeling. The have three parts. They begin with "I feel..." after which you immediately state your feeling. From there, you would explain the behavior that led to that feeling. Lastly, you would say why you feel the way you do. For example, you may be angry and sad. This could provoke you to say something like, "You completely disrespected me by carrying on this affair instead of admitting you were having feelings for someone else. We could have worked this out if you had talked to me." You can rephrase that sentiment using an "I"-statement. For example, "I feel disrespected that you had an affair with your co-worker because if you had told me about your feelings for her we could have worked it out as a couple." Infidelity usually has some underlying cause. While no one needs to take all of the blame, there may have been an underlying issue with your relationship. You should discuss this to figure out how to best move forward. This is particularly important if you want to salvage the relationship. Your partner may be hesitant to open up about why they cheated. Factors that lead to an affair are sensitive, and your partner may want to spare your feelings. However, underlying factors need to be addressed in a healthy fashion. As you address the reasons for the affair, go in with the right mindset. Do not think of it as any one person taking the blame. The two of you are working, collaboratively, on what may have gone wrong and whether it can be fixed.
Find a good time to talk. Release your expectations. Try to remain calm. Use "I"-statements. Address any reasons for infidelity.