Q: The expression of strong, negative feelings rarely helps a relationship. If you are often frustrated or angry at a particular person, a calm discussion is much more likely to be productive. Step away until you've calmed down. Start your discussion by talking about a single issue, such as a specific action or repeated behavior that frustrates you. Try to stay focused on this topic until you've seriously discussed it. Talking about possible underlying causes or related actions is allowed, but try to avoid turning the discussion into a list of things that irritate you. Try to agree with the person at the outset that you'll both stay focused on the issue at hand. Allow the other person an opportunity to speak uninterrupted and to be heard. Try to listen intently to the other person, and then decide how to respond rather than responding impulsively. If you find this difficult, try repeating the other person's words silently to yourself to keep yourself focused, and keep your face and body aligned toward the other person. For instance, if you're having a relationship fight, make it a point not to interrupt the person. Allow him or her to finish a point before responding and consider your response rather than going with your gut reaction. This will demonstrate that you understand what the other person said, give the other person a chance to consider what he or she said, and clear up some ambiguities in the discussion. This can be a very difficult step because actually listening to the other personinstead of thinking of your next thing to saycan be a tricky thing to do. For instance, if a friend says that you never make time for her, repeat it back and ask, "Do you really think that I never make time for you?" This can allow the friend to hear the complaint as you did. Have an honest discussion about how you feel, and what you want to change, and ask the other person for honest opinions as well. Refrain from making insults or hurtful comments. Use sentences that start with "I" to talk about how you feel, and avoid sentences with "you," which can often sound accusatory. Avoid passive-aggressive behavior, such as hiding your real emotions or insulting someone behind his or her back. Avoid sarcasm or insults during this discussion, even as a joke. These are words such as 'always', 'anyone', 'nobody' and 'never.' These words invite the person to become defensive by invalidating the your unworkable pronouncements, and causing both of you to fall short. For example, don't say, "You never take out the trash!" Instead try, "You take out the trash less often than we agreed." Try to reach a compromise that you are both satisfied with. Writing down a list of ideas together can sometimes help. You don't need to come up with a perfect answer on the first discussion, either. If necessary, make it clear that the solution you decide on is temporary, and set a time to discuss it in a couple weeks to see whether it is working. If you're frustrated that the friend hasn't repaid a debt, for instance, see if you can compromise with a payment plan rather than just simply being frustrated that you can't get all of the money back at once. Thank the other person when making an effort to change his or her behavior. Even small changessmaller than you would likemay lead to more change if you just encourage the person. Using the same example of frustration over a friend owing you money, tell the friend how much it means that he has agreed to a payment plan or even agreed to sit down and talk about it again when he might be able to enter a payment agreement. By validating the friend's effort, you're more likely to see future cooperation.
A: Do not talk while you're still angry. Bring up one issue at a time. Give the other person opportunities to respond. Mirror back what you heard, in your own words. Be honest but compassionate. Avoid using absolutes on other people. Brainstorm solutions with the other person. Show appreciation for effort.

Q: You may be uncomfortable perpetuating the Santa story or feel discomfort about lying to your child, and those are legitimate concerns shared by many. On the other hand, you may want your child to believe in something whimsical and magical, like Santa. How to deal with the Santa Claus story is a personal decision that can only be made by your family. Remember, though, that even if you do not share the Santa story in your own family, your child might still come to you with tricky questions about Santa. Perhaps they heard something at school or they have thought about the Santa story and it doesn't completely make sense. Acknowledge the question and praise them for their critical thinking. This is actually a positive developmental step. Determining their reason for asking will help you figure out the best way to proceed. You might give this question some thought before it ever comes up, so that you are not caught completely off guard. This will help you respond more thoughtfully and slowly, rather than be reactionary. Ask your child very plainly, "Why do you ask?" or "Where is this question coming from?". Just because the child is asking questions doesn't necessarily mean that they are emotionally ready to believe the truth. They may just be curiously probing. Asking what your child believes will give you an idea of where they are emotionally and cognitively. If your child indicates that they still believe in Santa, despite any outside doubts, it's likely not time to tell them the truth yet. Respond to your child's question with a simple, "Well, what do you believe?" This allows them to reflect on what they think and whether or not they believe in Santa Claus. When your child answers your question about what they believe, they will tell you that they don't think Santa is real, or that they do but that they have questions. This answer should guide how you proceed and you can either tell them the truth about Santa or let them continue to believe. They may also say that they do believe the story of Santa Claus, but are confused about something specific in the Santa story, such as how he gets around the world in one night, or fits all of the presents in one bag. Just reiterate whatever you've already told them and answer questions as best as you can.
A:
Consider your own feelings. Find out what inspired the question. Ask what the child believes. Follow your child's lead.