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It may seem odd or uncomfortable to say that you will create compassion for yourself because it may seem self-centered, but self-compassion is the bedrock of self-acceptance. This is because compassion is the "sympathetic consciousness of others' distress with a desire to alleviate it." You are deserving of this same understanding and kindness! The first step in self-compassion is validating your own self-worth. It is easy and quite common to allow others' thoughts, feelings, opinions, and beliefs to dictate our self-approval. Instead of allowing your approval to be the decision of others, make it your own. Learn to validate and approve of yourself without needing it from others. An affirmation is a positive statement meant to encourage and be uplifting. Using this method for yourself can be a powerful tool in helping to build self-compassion. Having compassion for yourself makes it easier to empathize and forgive your past self, which will help you overcome feelings of guilt and regret. Daily affirmations also help to slowly change your inner critic. Build compassion daily by telling, writing, or thinking affirmations. Some examples of affirmations include: I am able to get through tough times; I am stronger than I think. I am not perfect and make mistakes, and that is okay. I am a kind and thoughtful daughter. Take a compassion break. If you are having a tough day accepting a particular part of yourself, take a moment and be kind to build self-compassion. Acknowledge that your judgement of yourself causes pain and that self-judgment can be overly harsh. Remind yourself to be kind and practice self-affirmation. For example: If you think, "I am not the ideal body shape; I am fat," acknowledge that these thoughts are unkind to yourself: "These are unkind thoughts and I would not say them to a friend. They make me feel down and worthless." Say something kind: "My body may not be perfect, but it is mine and it is healthy and it allows me to do things I love like playing with my children." Practicing self-forgiveness can help reduce feelings of guilt from your past which may be preventing you from fully accepting your present. You may be judging your past based on unrealistic expectations. Forgiving yourself will lift your shame and will give you room to build a new, more compassionate and accepting view of your past. Sometimes our inner critic is reluctant to let us forgive ourselves for the past. Sometimes we are unkind to ourselves by carrying around guilt. Take special notice of the guilt you may have. Try to evaluate if there were external factors involved in the situation. Sometimes events are out of our control, yet we hold on to those feelings of guilt. Evaluate if the actions were truly out of your control and resolve to forgive in abundance. To help you practice self-forgiveness, the exercise of writing a letter can be a powerful emotional and cognitive tool to start the process. Write a letter addressed to your younger or past-self, and use a kind, loving tone. Remind your younger self (inner critic) that you may have made mistakes. But you know you are not perfect, and that is okay. Our mistakes often offer valuable learning opportunities. Remind yourself that how you acted or what you did may have been all you knew how to do in that moment. Remembering that you often learn from past mistakes can help you think about your past in a productive way. Practice being thankful for what you have learned and accept that making mistakes is a part of life. Then, your past guilt or shame will not keep you from accepting yourself in the present. Write down the guilt phrases/thoughts you have, and turn each into a gratitude statement. For example: Unkind thought/inner critic: I was horrible to my family when I was in my 20s. I am so ashamed I acted that way. Gratitude statement: I am grateful that I learned about behavior at that age, because it has been helpful in raising my own children. Unkind thought/inner critic: I tore apart my family because I could not stop drinking. Gratitude statement: I am grateful that I can mend relationships and try again in the future.
Learn that you are worthy of compassion. Practice daily affirmations. Practice forgiveness. Turn guilt thoughts into gratitude statements.