TASK DEFINITION: In this task, you must classify if a given review is positive/negative, indicating your answer as P or N.
PROBLEM: godzilla is the ultimate culmination of the " who cares about plot " summer movie .
a loose remake of the 1954 " classic " japanese monster movie , godzilla , king of the monsters ( which is itself pretty thin in the story department ) , roland emmerich and dean devlin 's big - budget lizard - stomps - manhattan disaster flick has been written with the brain dead in mind .
the script is n't just " dumbed down , " it 's lobotomized .
godzilla lives and dies on special effects alone .
presumably , the primary target group for this film is teenage boys , the demographic most likely to shell out $ 7 repeatedly to see the same images of monster - instigated carnage .
that 's not to say that females and other age groups are immune to the special effects seduction ; they 're just not as readily susceptible .
this is the third straight movie in a row where emmerich and devlin have demonstrated that a mastery of computer - generated visuals is far more important for making money than the ability to write and direct for actors .
stargate was a financial success .
independence day was a runaway hit .
and , with godzilla already drowning in hype and merchandising tie - ins before it even opens , it 's virtually guaranteed at least $ 100 million .
nice numbers for a film that could have been penned by a not - too - precocious grade school kid .
godzilla is n't completely without merit , although it is close .
there 's a certain visceral thrill inherent in watching the giant lizard rip his way through manhattan ,
but it wears off quickly .
frankly
, while the special effects are competent , they 're not all that stunning .
there 's nothing new here
; it 's jurassic park meets aliens , with a little independence day thrown in for bad measure .
maybe it will require george lucas and his new star wars movie to take computer - generated visuals to the next level .
godzilla never really pushes the envelope , preferring to remain within a comfort zone .
the imagination of monster movies like king kong has been replaced by a crass , formulaic approach which disallows creativity .
( how disturbing is it to know that godzilla has been chosen to close the 51st cannes film festival ? ) worst of all , godzilla is n't even exciting .
with the possible exception of a mildly enjoyable car chase near the end , there is n't a sequence in this film that raises the pulse .
even the scenes with dozens of aircraft attacking the monster are so devoid of tension and suspense that they are yawn - provoking .
independence day may have been dumb , but it was full of " adrenaline moments " capable of getting the audience involved in the action .
in this aspect of its production , as in so many others , godzilla is lacking .
actually , part of the problem is that we 're never sure who we 're supposed to be rooting for : the green monster with an attitude or the paper - thin humans trying to stop him .
the plot , such as it is , can be summed up rather simply .
after sinking a few ships and leaving some footprints on tropical islands , godzilla shows up in the big apple .
he does some of the usual tourist things :
stops by madison square garden , visits the chrysler building , goes on a walk through central park , and takes the subway .
in the process , he knocks over a few buildings and steps on countless cabs , but he never has trouble with traffic jams .
on hand to stop him is an elite u.
s. army unit , led by a slightly less - arrogant - than - usual military man ( kevin dunn ) and a biologist named nick tatopoulos , who has a theory about godzilla .
in his opinion , the big guy is actually a lizard grown to enormous proportions as a result of the radiation given off by french atomic bomb tests in the south pacific .
in nick 's words , godzilla is " a mutated aberration ?
an incipient creature ?
the first of its kind .
"
as luck would have it , nick 's old girlfriend , audrey ( maria pitillo ) , is a reporter based at a new york tv station .
along with her cameraman friend , animal ( hank azaria ) , she decides to follow nick around as he trails godzilla .
then , just when the military has rejected nick 's theory about why godzilla is in new york , a member of the french secret service ( jean reno ) recruits him for a special assignment .
instead of stomping around tokyo this time , godzilla has chosen new york city .
unfortunately , manhattan has been destroyed so many times in recent disaster movies ( independence day , deep impact , armageddon ) that it 's becoming boring .
the whole tradition of monsters roaming around the city started with king kong , but the big ape was only about 30 feet tall .
he could climb the empire state building .
at ten times that height , godzilla would be more likely to knock it over .
godzilla contains a few lame attempts at humor .
there 's an ongoing feud between animal and his wife that plays like sit - com material , an unfunny and repetitive gag about how no one can pronounce nick 's last name properly , and a rather tame attack on film critics roger ebert and gene siskel .
both of the popular personalities have alter egos in the film : " ebert , " the mayor of new york , is played by michael lerner , and " gene " ( lorry goldman ) is his campaign manager .
ebert 's re - election slogan is , not surprisingly , " thumbs up for new york .
" the siskel / ebert stuff is amusing the first time it 's used , but , after a while , it grows tiresome .
and , although the " characters " do n't serve any real purpose , they keep popping up .
godzilla is saddled with an unimpressive cast .
this is largely because emmerich does n't want to risk a human performance upstaging his lizard .
that 's not to say that matthew broderick and jean reno are n't capable of good performances ( both have done their share of solid acting in the past ) , but they are n't a - list names .
then again , considering the quality of the writing , even pacino and deniro would have been hard- pressed to shine .
maria
pitillo ( dear god ) plays the love interest and hank azaria ( great expectations ) is on hand to present what is supposed to be comic relief .
ultimately , it does n't really matter what i ( or any other critic , for that matter ) have to say about the movie .
tristar has assumed that godzilla , like all self - proclaimed summer event motion pictures , is pretty much critic - proof .
it may also be word - of - mouth - proof .
those who want to see the movie will see it no matter what i write or their friends say .
so , when i go on record to assert that godzilla is one of the most idiotic blockbuster movies of all time , it 's like spitting into the wind .
emmerich and devlin are master illusionists , waving their wands and mesmerizing audiences with their smoke and mirrors .
it 's probably too much to hope that some day , movie - goers will wake up and realize that they 've been had .

SOLUTION: N

PROBLEM: ever feel you 're spending your whole life on the net ( ouch ! ) , eating , breathing and excreting web sites ? that your most meaningful relationships are being formed on the net ? that you get your best sex on the net ?
if first - time director hal salwen could shoot an entire movie of characters typing at their computers , he would .
as it is , he settles for characters talking on the phone .
denise calls up is a movie for and about the electronic generation , where characters are too caught up with their work and insecurities prefer to live out their relationships and fantasies on the phone .
it 's a satire - and
a sometimes funny one - about how we let handphones , call - waiting and answering machines run our lives .
the problem : denise calls up is a movie about an idea .
a darn good one , but still an 80 minute - long idea .
and despite salwen 's attempt at plots and sub - plots , despite some genuinely funny moments , you can predict the movie 's outcome within the first fifteen minutes .
you get the drift after a series of shots of characters explaining over the phone why they all could n't make it for a party - nobody is going to be meeting anybody in this film , they would rather be talking on the phone .
here 's salwen 's plot
: while all the characters are in a dysfunctional , telefixated limbo , loud quirky stranger denise calls up martin to announce that she is pregnant with his child , courtesy of the sperm he donated to the local bank . as martin progresses from slamming the phone on her to long phone conversations over the baby 's name , his friends - and his friends ' friends - get involved , courtesy of call - waiting and double - lines .
in the tigher and more tantalizing sub - plot , barbara and jerry are set up on a blind date that neither turns up for .
both profess to have too complicated schedules to ever meet , but they get it going over the phone .
with repeated phone sex comes a glitch ; what if the other person is simply faking it ?
denise calls up scores with some inspired moments .
mousy barbara metamorphoses into a vamp over her cordless , everyone shares the excitement of denise 's delivery through a conference call to her handphone , and barbara 's best friend gale is killed in a car accident while taling animatedly into another friend 's answering machine .
( as gale 's overly - chatty aunt recounts , her cordless was knicked into her ear and lodged in her brain . )
but these moments are not enough to sustain the movie .
the pace sags , the dialogue drags and not much acting appears to be required of the telephone - touters .
and the ending is literally a non - event as expected , everyone is too chicken to turn up for the party frank throws in gale 's memory despite promising over the phone that they will .
we get the point .
the movie appears to be intent on flogging its terribly-'90s statement until they have it coming out of your ears .
pun intended .
there 's even a on the movie 's web site where you can win cellular phones ( as if we have n't had enough of these things already ) .
watch the movie only if you find it philosophy
compelling enough for a earful .
the flying inkpot 's rating system :
* wait for the video .
*
* a little creaky , but still better than staying at home with gotcha !
*
* * pretty good , bring a friend .
*
*
* * amazing , potent stuff .
*
*
*
* * perfection . see it twice .

SOLUTION: N

PROBLEM: no matter what you suspect , this is n't your usual action thriller .
the usual suspects is an intelligent crime mystery story from up - and - coming director bryan singer .
it 's one of those movies that , after everything is revealed rapid - fire at the end , you immediately want to rewind and watch again because earlier scenes take on a new light .
plot twists
a - go - go are what you get here -- i gave up trying to figure out the mystery of keyser soze after awhile and just sat back and waited for them to reveal it to me .
keyser soze is a name you 'll hear at least a hundred times if you watch the usual suspects and for good reason .
it 's not only the name of the mysterious ( and possibly even mythical ) crime boss in the movie , it also sums up the movie -- " keyser soze " in latin means " an intelligent crime mystery story from up - and - coming director bryan singer .
"
or maybe i should n't have bought a foreign - language dictionary from the same company that makes those 99-cent encyclopedias sold in supermarkets .
at the movie 's opening , a group of known criminals are brought in for a police lineup , including mcmanus ( stephen baldwin ) , keaton ( gabriel byrne ) , fenster ( benicio del toro ) , buckney ( kevin pollack ) and verbal ( kevin spacey , winner of the best supporting actor academy award{symbol 153 \ f " times new roman " \ s 10 \ h } for his performance in the movie ) .
verbal is so - named because he frequently rambles on about anything or nothing .
he also earns his name as the movie 's narrator , spouting memorable lines like " the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did n't exist " ( although , obviously , he does exist -- what else could explain kris kross having a comeback in 1996 ? ) while being interrogated by police detective chazz palminteri ( any actor with multiple z 's in their name is okay in my book ) .
we see the story unfold as spacey retells it .
the five felons , upon being released from the lineup , get their revenge on the police by exposing a corrupt taxi service -- whereby elite criminals pay to be smuggled through town in cop cars -- and stealing all the money and drugs in the car .
it 's a definite case of male bonding for the five criminals , who later find out they were brought together by the unseen keyser soze , who sends a minion to them with an offer they ca n't refuse .
namely , they have to destroy soze 's main competitors in organized crime by infiltrating a ship , shooting a bunch of people , burning all the drugs and stealing $ 91 million cash .
spacey does a terrific job of bringing his seemingly unintelligent " cripple " character to life and baldwin , byrne , palminteri and the rest make for a good supporting cast .
the usual suspects is one of those movies that deftly mixes scenes of violence and explosions with an underlying sense of mystery and suspense , keeping the viewer guessing until the very end -- and then still leaving a few details open for scrutiny and discussion .
i suppose all that would be cleared up if i really had rewound the movie and watched it again instead of changing the channel and wondering in disbelief what the hell kris kross was doing on mtv .
a different mystery , i guess , which may turn into a _ murder _ mystery if that video ever comes on again . . .

SOLUTION:
P