TASK DEFINITION: In this task, you must classify if a given review is positive/negative, indicating your answer as P or N.
PROBLEM: ever feel you 're spending your whole life on the net ( ouch ! ) , eating , breathing and excreting web sites ? that your most meaningful relationships are being formed on the net ? that you get your best sex on the net ?
if first - time director hal salwen could shoot an entire movie of characters typing at their computers , he would .
as it is , he settles for characters talking on the phone .
denise calls up is a movie for and about the electronic generation , where characters are too caught up with their work and insecurities prefer to live out their relationships and fantasies on the phone .
it 's a satire - and
a sometimes funny one - about how we let handphones , call - waiting and answering machines run our lives .
the problem : denise calls up is a movie about an idea .
a darn good one , but still an 80 minute - long idea .
and despite salwen 's attempt at plots and sub - plots , despite some genuinely funny moments , you can predict the movie 's outcome within the first fifteen minutes .
you get the drift after a series of shots of characters explaining over the phone why they all could n't make it for a party - nobody is going to be meeting anybody in this film , they would rather be talking on the phone .
here 's salwen 's plot
: while all the characters are in a dysfunctional , telefixated limbo , loud quirky stranger denise calls up martin to announce that she is pregnant with his child , courtesy of the sperm he donated to the local bank . as martin progresses from slamming the phone on her to long phone conversations over the baby 's name , his friends - and his friends ' friends - get involved , courtesy of call - waiting and double - lines .
in the tigher and more tantalizing sub - plot , barbara and jerry are set up on a blind date that neither turns up for .
both profess to have too complicated schedules to ever meet , but they get it going over the phone .
with repeated phone sex comes a glitch ; what if the other person is simply faking it ?
denise calls up scores with some inspired moments .
mousy barbara metamorphoses into a vamp over her cordless , everyone shares the excitement of denise 's delivery through a conference call to her handphone , and barbara 's best friend gale is killed in a car accident while taling animatedly into another friend 's answering machine .
( as gale 's overly - chatty aunt recounts , her cordless was knicked into her ear and lodged in her brain . )
but these moments are not enough to sustain the movie .
the pace sags , the dialogue drags and not much acting appears to be required of the telephone - touters .
and the ending is literally a non - event as expected , everyone is too chicken to turn up for the party frank throws in gale 's memory despite promising over the phone that they will .
we get the point .
the movie appears to be intent on flogging its terribly-'90s statement until they have it coming out of your ears .
pun intended .
there 's even a on the movie 's web site where you can win cellular phones ( as if we have n't had enough of these things already ) .
watch the movie only if you find it philosophy
compelling enough for a earful .
the flying inkpot 's rating system :
* wait for the video .
*
* a little creaky , but still better than staying at home with gotcha !
*
* * pretty good , bring a friend .
*
*
* * amazing , potent stuff .
*
*
*
* * perfection . see it twice .

SOLUTION: N

PROBLEM: after enduring mariah carey 's film debut , glitter , i 'm reminded of a bit from chris rock 's bigger and blacker .
in response to women saying that they can raise a child without a man , rock says , " you can drive a car with your feet , but that do n't mean it should be done .
" to that i say , you can give mariah carey a movie , but that certainly do n't mean it should be done .
sure , there are plenty of pop star film vehicles out there -- from the beatles ' a hard day 's night to the spice girls ' spice world -- but none have been so vapidly pointless or laughable as glitter .
everything about this complete tripe is ludicrous .
start off with the story , which -- as gruesomely predictable as it is -- is the least offensive part of the movie .
the film is inexplicably set in the 80s ,
a period piece that really shows no sign of its period except for a few chicks in leg warmers .
worse yet
, everyone 's speaking late 90s hip - hop slang in what should be 1983 .
meant to be partially autobiographical , carey plays billie frank , a young singer in new york who struggles to overcome a rough childhood and abandonment by her alcoholic mother .
influential club dj julian dice , a .
k . a .
" lucky 7
" ( max beesley playing a bad mix of puff daddy and robert de niro ) , hears her sing on a track , and decides to make her a star .
in predictably rapid succession , billie and dice fall for each other , she starts hitting it big , dice gets jealous and starts acting like an ass , and suddenly billie 's on " the roller coaster of superstardom .
" in the meantime , billie is on an emotional hunt for her missing mom .
i wo n't give away the ending , but -- honestly -- just think of unicorns and rainbows .
. .
you 'll figure it out .
the movie screams to be made with camp , and that could 've been fun .
but the filmmakers thought making the bulk of glitter weepy and dramatic would be better .
what a mistake .
the brief attempts at comic relief -- as in a scene where an effeminate russian - sounding director gets wacky with filming billie 's first music video -- go over like lead balloons .
instead , the audience at my screening tended to laugh loudest during mariah 's most dramatic scenes .
which brings us to the performances , of which there 's nothing good that can be said
.
mariah is primarily seen with a wide - eyed deer - in - the - headlights look frozen on her face .
she actually looks scared during her one love scene .
but you have to wonder if the writing is n't even worse .
so much of the dialogue is so hackneyed and watered down for carey 's virginal target audience that it 's probably impossible for any actor to pull it off with aplomb .
even the characters could n't have been written more absurdly .
they 're all members of a barbie playset : the important film director who swoons , " billie , i 'd love to put you in a movie i 'm making , " and the big - time record executive who takes billie 's demo tape and says , " oh , i 'll make sure the whole team listens to it in the morning .
" everyone in the film is a device , and it 's painful to keep watching just to see another one appear .
to say more would be a waste .
there 's so much wrong with this film .
and , it pains me that mariah carey -- with her ego and sanity in such fragile condition these days , as evidenced by her multiple hospital stays -- will have to suffer through all the negative reviews she 's likely to get .
but , then again , i had to suffer through her movie .

SOLUTION: N

PROBLEM: by starring in amy heckerling 's " clueless " two summers ago , alicia silverstone proved she was n't just another pretty , pouty ingenue , showing a buoyant comedic craftiness that blew all previous jobs -- namely a stint as the aerosmith girl and a silly turn as the lethal lolita of " the crush " -- out of the water .
her only work since that 1995 gem has been in june 's " batman & robin , " where she overcame the underwritten role of batgirl .
now , she 's the star and producer of " excess baggage , " a hopelessly phony film that demonstrates how an ill - composed story can drag an otherwise solid performer down to its level .
silverstone 's emily t .
hope is stuck with a billionaire father ( jack thompson ) who neglects her emotionally .
in an outlandish plan to gain his affection , she fakes her own kidnapping -- emily uses an electronically disguised voice to call her dad and set a pricey ransom , ties her legs together and mouth shut with duct tape and locks herself in the trunk of her bmw .
but before the police can " rescue " her , professional auto thief vincent roche ( benicio del toro ) jimmies the locks , hot - wires the engine and makes off with both the car and emily , who 's still trapped in the back .
when vincent discovers emily , the two do n't exactly hit it off -- she annoys him , he annoys her , and at the advice of his slimy car salesman partner ( harry connick , jr . ) , he decides to drive her out to the middle of nowhere and leave her there .
along the way , of course , they get into a whole heap of trouble , and come to realize that being together is the only way to get out of their sticky , felony - studded situation .
it does n't help matters that emily and vincent are being trailed by cops , crooks and even her shady uncle ray ( christopher walken ) , who 's wise to his niece 's ploys for attention and has mafia connections .
for at least a half - hour , " excess baggage " bounces along fast and efficiently .
during this time , emily and vincent sport engaging personalities as well as a nice role - reversal twist -- she 's an awfully aggressive , combative victim and he 's quite the aloof , seemingly vulnerable captor .
but once it 's past its set - up , the situation suddenly becomes uninvolving as the story tries to be too many things at once .
a road movie , a teen comedy , a mob thriller , a drama about family relationships --
you name the cliche and " excess baggage " likely covers its territory .
of course a romance develops between the two leads , but it all seems forced , and thus characterization is manipulated to cause the finally happy outcome .
"
do you like my tummy ?
" emily coos to vincent at one point in the film .
huh ?
did i miss something ?
the hard - edged , foul - mouthed grrrl is suddenly gone and replaced with a pair of batting goo - goo eyes .
then again , " excess baggage " becomes so weak in so many areas that the personality transplant is not a complete surprise . a supporting cast attempts to do what they can with colorful but empty secondary roles , but the movie is n't game enough to use them all and
therefore seems overcrowded .
motivations keep shifting , resulting in an often confusing narrative .
scant existing story background confuses matters even worse and adds to the growing list of unanswered questions .
" excess baggage " has too many characters , too much plot and juggles with one arm behind its back and a remaining shaky hand .
i loved silverstone 's turn in " clueless " as an aloof , pampered beverly hills matchmaker inspired by jane austen 's " emma .
" looking back at the skill she displayed for comedy there , it 's simple to justify any high expectation or enthusiasm that i had mustered for " excess baggage .
"
sadly , however , " excess baggage " is no " clueless .
"
but , on the other hand , it is clueless .

SOLUTION:
N