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The parent needs to be the one in control, but all too often, the persistence of the child breaks down the parent's will. Consider the little girl who asks for a Coke five or six times in three minutes, all while the parent is on the phone, or dealing with the other baby, or trying to fix dinner. Sometimes it's tempting - and indeed, easier - to cave in: "Finego ahead but leave me in peace!" However, the message being sent out is that persistence will win the day and that she, and not the parent, is in control. ADHD children do not do very well with permissive discipline. These children need firm and loving guidance and boundaries. Long discussions about rules and why we have them do not work. Some parents are uncomfortable with this approach at first. However, keeping rules firm, consistent, and loving is not harsh or cruel. The cardinal rule is that discipline must be consistent, immediate, and powerful. Any punishment should reflect the misbehavior. Do not send your child to their room as punishment. Most children with ADHD will get easily distracted by their toys and belongings and have a wonderful time...and the "punishment" ends up being a reward. In addition, sending your child to their room is generally removed from and unrelated to the specific infraction, and they will have a hard time connecting the behavior with the punishment in order to learn not to repeat that behavior. Consequences should also be immediate. For example, if a child is told that it is to put their bike away and come inside but they continue to ride, do not tell them they cannot ride it tomorrow. Delayed consequences have little or no meaning to a child with ADHD, as they tend to live in the "here and now" and what happened yesterday has no real meaning for today. As a result, this approach will like result in a blow-up the following day when the consequence is enforced and the child actually has not made the connection. Instead, confiscate the bike immediately and explain you will discuss terms of earning it back at a later time. Parents will have better behavioral results if they are consistent in their responses. For example, if you use the point system, be reasonable and consistent with the granting and removing of points. Avoid arbitrary actions, particularly when you are angry or upset. Your child will only learn how to behave properly over time and with sustained learning and reinforcement. Always follow through on what you say or threaten. Do not give too many warnings or make empty threats. If you give them multiple chances or warnings, make each come with a level of consequence with the final, second or third, accompanied by the punishment or discipline promised. Otherwise, they will test you every time to see how many chances it will be this time. Make sure both parents are on board with this disciplinary plan. In order to change the behavior, your child needs to have the same response from both parents. Consistency also means that the child knows what to expect when misbehaving no matter the venue. Sometimes parents are afraid to punish their children in public, fearful of how others will perceive the situation, but it's important to show that the particular misbehavior has consequences wherever your child is. Be sure to coordinate with your child's school, daycare, or Sunday school to make sure everyone there uses consistent, immediate, and powerful consequences as well. You do not want your child to get mixed messages. Try not to get into an argument with your child or be wishy-washy over your course of action. Your child needs to know that you are the boss and that's that, full-stop. If you engage in an argument or appear to waver, the message can be unintentionally sent is that you are treating the child as a peer who has a chance to win the argument. There is thus a reason, to the child's mind, to keep pushing and keep arguing with and fighting you. This does not necessarily mean you are done for as a parent if you ever argue or waver in a discussion - just understand that being firm and consistent will yield best results. Always be specific in your instructions and be firm that they are to be followed. A time-out can give your child a chance to calm down on their own time. Instead of confronting one another and seeing who can become angriest, designate a place for the child to sit or stand until they are calm and ready to discuss the problem. Don't lecture while they stand there; give them time and space to get themselves under control. Emphasize that the timeout isn't a punishment, but rather an opportunity to start over. Time-out is an effective punishment for a child with ADHD. It can be applied immediately to help the child see the connection to their actions. Children with ADHD hate to be still and quiet so it is very effective response to a bad behavior. Consider calming objects in time-out. Asking an ADHD child to sit in a chair quietly may completely backfire; they may not be able to do this. However, having objects available that help them keep calm and re-focus may accomplish the goal of "resetting". This may include things like a yoga ball to sit on, using a fidget cube, doing a puzzle, or hugging a stuffed animal. Discuss your concerns with your child and troubleshoot together to plan for success. This is especially helpful to manage your child in public. Work together to decide on carrots (rewards) and sticks (consequences) that will apply to the situation then have your child repeat the plan aloud. If your family is going out to dinner, for instance, the reward for good behavior might be the privilege of ordering dessert, while the consequence might be having to go straight to bed on returning home. If behavior starts to deteriorate at the restaurant, a gentle reminder ("What does good behavior earn tonight?"), followed if necessary by a more stern second comment ("Do you need to go to bed early tonight?") ought to put your child back on track. Always remind your child that you love them no matter what and that they are a good child, but that there are consequences to actions.
Be the authority--you are the adult. Make sure there are consequences for misbehavior. Be consistent. Avoid inviting debate with your child. Establish a time-out system. Learn to anticipate problems and plan ahead. Forgive quickly.