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Make plans to meet in advance. Meet in public, if possible. Focus on your needs, not his. Be firm. Set boundaries for the future.
Call up your lover and arrange to meet with him ahead of time. Tell him that the two of you need to talk. Be clear that this meeting is special and different from a typical rendezvous. You might call or text and say, "Hey, can we get together on Tuesday. We need to talk about our relationship." Making a face-to-face public meeting will help keep the conversation civil and brief. Try meeting at an out of the way cafe or on a park bench during less-trafficked hours. Don't get intimate with him during the meeting or make him think things are normal. Let him know that you need to have a serious talk. If you prefer not to meet face-to-face, write a letter, schedule a phone call, or send an emailjust make sure your intentions are clearly stated. Resist the urge to apologize or attend to his feelings during the conversation. Make this about you and your needs. Boldly tell him that you will not settle for being No. 2 anymore and that you want to end things. Your lover might attempt to dissuade you against ending the affair. He might toss out promises that he will leave his spouse and be with you. Don't fall for it. You have made your decision, so stand firm. Before you part ways, be clear about your expectations moving forward. It's best to cut ties completely, so tell him that you do not want to see or hear from him again. Say, "George, I'd like you to delete my phone number, email address, and home address. Don't call me or drop by my apartment. Please respect my choice." You can also add, "I will not answer my phone or my door."