Problem: Write a positive yelp review.
A: You love a good green chile dish, especially Hatch chiles. You also have no particular regard for your bumhole, evidenced by your routine attempts to set it ablaze the next day with your pepper infused crap. Well have I got good news for you. Rita's Mexican Food. Rita's offers one of the finest green chile dishes I've ever experienced, transcending most Mexican food joints by miles. On my last visit, I tried bowl of green chile stew. It was hot. No, wait, let me rephrase that... It was FUCKING HOT. It was so hot, it sent me into a sneezing session the scientists at Claritin would have marveled at. Then I started crying. Like a little bitch and, I got all snotted-up too. But god, was it ever good. The service...not so much. In fact, the service wasn't anything to write home about. Not that you would anyway, even if it was good. Making me wonder why people invoke that stupid cliche anyway? I doubt seriously I'd ever leave a restaurant, go home, whip out my laptop and write my folks about how wonderful my lunch service was. But if I did, this is how it would go: Dear Mom and Dad. The place where I ate lunch today had such good service, I thought I had better write to tell you about it. Because that's what people do right? They get good service and write home. Unlike when you get bad service, and simply fail to write about it. This is why I'm writing home. I got good service and just thought you both should know all about it. But this seems like service hypocrisy in a sense, which is why I'll probably start writing you when I get bad service as well, despite its lack of anything to write home about. Anyways, that's it for now. Expect more emails. I eat out often. Your loving son, Diego

Problem: Write a negative yelp review.
A: I assumed this place was going to be superb considering the quality of the reviews but honestly I was wrong. The service was pretty good and the buffet style breakfast was decent. But the building is old and run down on (on the outside)and right next to a big ugly apartment building, I honestly feel as if the balcony was a waste of money to build. The elevator was horrible, It took 15ish minutes to get to the eleventh floor and its almost always completely full. The rooms were okay and it had a full sized kitchen but even though I'm and elite member I was unable to get an upgrade. The basement parking is made for people with smart cars, my antenna bent back quite far and almost snapped due to the height of the parking. I went down to the lobby to get a soda but it was quite overpriced. (around 3 dollars) I generally liked the location but it was a little gritty.

Problem: Write a negative yelp review.
A:
I normally don't have a problem with Dominos--you pretty much know what you're getting for your money. Unfortunately, this Dominos, even though it is less than 3 miles away, won't deliver to my address. Not only will they not deliver, but they will take my order, ask me what the cross-streets are (so they KNOW how far I am), and wait 30 minutes before calling to tell me that they cancelled my order. They could have checked my address when I gave it to them, or they could have called and asked if I wanted to pick it up instead, but instead they simly cancelled my order--and didn't let me know until it was supposed to be at my door,