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Tell your spouse that you'd like to have a serious conversation about your mother-in-law, and ask him or her when a good time would be. Letting your spouse know in advance that you want to have a serious talk will keep them from feeling blindsided when you do sit down to talk. Don't avoid the talk for too long, as doing so builds resentment. In addition, if you want too long, your stress could come out as you snapping at your spouse because they're the person you can take it out on. You want your mother-in-law to move out, and you need to be upfront about that. Remember, though, your spouse may not want to hear it, especially if they enjoy having their mother around. You could say, "I love your mother, I do. I think it's time that we have our own space, though. I think it's time to ask your mother to move out." Don't forget to give your partner some breathing room before launching into why. Make a list of everything extra you do because your mother-in-law is in the house. This step isn't to be petty. It's to show your spouse that it really is taxing for his or her mother to be there. Your spouse may not even realize how much of a burden it is putting on you. You don't want to blame your spouse for the extra work. Rather, you just want to bring his or her attention to it. For example, you don't want to say, "Your mother is so much work!" Rather, you might say, "I'm working longer hours with her in the house. I love her, and I like doing things for her. However, there's only so much of me to go around. You may not realize how much extra I do because she's here, so here are some of the things I do for her." You also need to discuss what stress she brings to the household. It could be intentional stress, such as her criticizing your choices, or could be non-intentional, such as her constant presence putting a damper on your sex life. Once again, try to bring it up in such a way that you're not blaming your spouse for it. Try using "I" statements instead of "You" statements. As an example, you could say, "I enjoy spending time with your mother. Sometimes, though, it puts stress on us as a family. It makes me upset when she criticizes the children, and we don't get to be intimate as often as we used to." Another important topic to bring up is how your mother-in-law is affecting your finances. If this point is your main point of contention, then maybe you can discuss ways it can be alleviated. If finances are the only reason you want your mother-in-law to move out and you can afford the extra expense of having her there, you might not get very far with this argument. The point of this discussion is to make sure you're on the same page. Discussing your mother-in-law moving out is a sensitive topic, but if having her around is hurting your family and your marriage, it's a discussion you need to have. As you have the discussion, you need to agree on what some common goals could be. Of course, when agreeing on common goals, you may need to compromise. For instance, one compromise could be buying a house that has an apartment in the back. Try to set up dates for your goals. If your goal is to have your mother-in-law move out, by what date will she need to move out? Discuss how you can help her to move out. Maybe you can help her find a place or assist with finances if you are able. When it comes to having parents in your house, emotional baggage is involved. Your spouse may feel like they aren't doing their duty to their parent if they ask them to move out. The best you can do is come up with a compromise you can both live with, which may include assisted living if you can't continue to care for an elderly mother-in-law by yourself.
Ask your spouse to sit down with you. Tell your spouse what you want. Bring up any extra work. Talk about the stress. Discuss finances. Agree on common goals. Understand where your spouse is coming from.