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If you're having a hard time seeing your way out of a situation, try modeling your behavior after someone else who's faced adversity. Not only can this give you a good dose of perspective ("Wow, at least my problem isn't as bad as that"), it might inspire you to be more courageous. Look for a role model among people you already know. If you feel comfortable enough, consider asking them how they dealt with situations that required bravery. Read about brave historical figures. Look up the life stories of people who are renowned for facing adversity with bravery, such as Theodore Roosevelt, Harriet Tubman or Joan of Arc, freedom fighters, rebels, etc. Bravery requires you to be "tough" when you encounter scary or difficult situations. Mental resilience is more than just a tough front, though. To be truly resilient, you need to practice the following: Flexibility. Cognitive flexibility is the ability to adapt to changing situations. It's the ability to stay away from defensiveness if something goes wrong. It's the ability to look for new ways to approach a problem or situation. You can develop flexibility by recognizing the potential for learning in all situations, and by developing a mindset of curiosity rather than worry. Engagement. In order to be brave about a situation, you have to face it head-on. Truly brave people examine the situation and identify how to approach it, rather than trying to run away or ignore the problem. Breaking down a situation into smaller elements can help you face troubling situations. You can also try to imagine the best possible scenario, rather than the worst possible one. Persistence. Things may not always go smoothly. Brave people understand this and get back up when they fall down. You can help yourself become persistent by defining what actions you need to take every step of the way. It's much easier to face a setback if you know that the next step you need to take is achievable, rather than a monumental task. We all get stuck in unhelpful ways of thinking, or "cognitive distortions," from time to time. When you find yourself thinking negative thoughts about yourself or a situation, challenge yourself to examine what evidence you really have for these thoughts, or reframe them in positive terms. Generalizing is a common distortion. For example, "I'm such a coward" is a generalizing statement about yourself that isn't true. You may experience fear, but that doesn't make you "a coward." Refocus onto what you're feeling in the moment. For example: "I am feeling afraid about this big date tomorrow because I'm nervous that my date won't like me." This will help you avoid holding unhealthy (and inaccurate) beliefs about yourself. Catastrophizing is another distortion that can cause fear responses. When you catastrophize, you blow an event or experience out of proportion until it spirals out of control. For example: "My boss didn't look at me when I passed her in the hall. She's probably mad at me. I've probably done something wrong. She might fire me. I'll lose my house." This obviously is a worst-case scenario that's extremely unlikely to happen. Challenge these thoughts by requiring yourself to examine the evidence for each stage of your assumption. For example: "My boss didn't look at me when I passed her in the hall. She could be angry with me. She could also be distracted by something else. She may not have even seen me. Assuming she's angry with me doesn't make sense; I'll ask her if everything is all right before I get too upset." Perfectionism is the culprit behind many fears. We may be so afraid that our efforts won't be "perfect" that we don't even attempt them. It's a common myth that perfectionism is the same as healthy ambition, or a drive for excellence. In reality, perfectionism tries to keep us from ever experiencing loss or failure -- and that just isn't possible in life. Perfectionism can cause you to be so harsh on yourself that you view things that are really accomplishments as "failures" because they don't live up to your unreasonable standards. For example, a perfectionist might consider earning a B in history a "failure" because it isn't a perfect grade. A student who is fair to herself could view it as a success, because she worked as hard as she could in the class. Focusing on your process, rather than its outcomes, can help you beat perfectionism. Perfectionism can often lead to a sense of shame in yourself because it focuses only on your flaws. It's very difficult to show courage if you're ashamed of yourself. Perfectionism also doesn't lead to success. In fact, many people who identify themselves as perfectionist are less successful than people who embrace the possibility of setbacks and view them as learning experiences. Self-affirmations are phrases or mantras that are personally meaningful to you. You can repeat them to express kindness and acceptance to yourself. Although it may sound cheesy, self-affirmations can actually help boost your confidence over time. For example, you might say something like "I accept myself today for who I am" or "I am worth love." You can also focus your self-affirmations on developing your courage. For example, you can say something like "I can be brave today" or "I am strong enough to handle whatever today throws my way." Remember to keep your self-affirmations focused on, well, yourself. Remember that you can't control others. For example, a helpful self-affirmation could look like this: "I will do my best today to manage my fears. I can't do more than my best. I can't control how others act or respond to me." Phrase your self-affirmations in a positive way. Humans respond negatively to negative statements, even if they're meant to be helpful. Instead of saying "I will not give in to my fears today," say something like "I can face my fears today because I am strong." Sometimes, it can be helpful to view your fears as something separate from yourself. Visualizing your fear as a separate creature can help you feel more in control of it. For example, you could imagine that your fear is a little turtle. Whenever it's afraid, the turtle pulls its head inside its shell and can't do or see anything, which obviously isn't helpful. Visualize your "fear turtle" and confront it, telling it that you are doing what you can control and not worrying about what you can't. Using humorous or comical imagery may take some of your fear's power away by making it ridiculous. (It worked in Harry Potter, right? Riddikulus!) Sometimes, a word of encouragement from a friend or loved one can help you when you're feeling less-than-brave. Surround yourself with people who are also committed to vulnerability and bravery, rather than those who allow fearful thoughts to dominate them. Humans are susceptible to "emotional contagion." It turns out that, just like you can catch a cold, you can also "catch" emotions from the people around you. It's important to surround yourself with people who are accepting and courageous themselves. If you hang out mostly with other people who are terrified of something (and aren't doing anything to manage that fear), you may have more trouble overcoming your own fear. Succeeding in something that you find challenging can give you a boost in self-confidence. Even if you don't immediately get the hang of your undertaking, treat the challenge as a learning experience and remind yourself that you can take as much time as you need to learn. For example, you could set a goal to learn the guitar, cook a gourmet French meal, become certified in scuba diving -- the only limit is your imagination. Set goals and attempt challenges that are personally meaningful to you. A surefire way to damage your self-confidence is to compare yourself constantly to others. Don't worry what anyone else thinks about your goals; do them for you. One reason many people struggle with courage is that we want to avoid feeling sad, angry, or frustrated, so we "tune out" of the suffering that we and others experience. Practicing mindful acceptance of the present experience, without judgment, can help you accept negative emotions as well as the positive ones, which can help you feel braver. Mindfulness meditation can be an excellent way to practice these skills. You can take a class in it, or teach yourself. UCLA offers several downloadable guided meditations. UCSD also has downloadable MP3 meditation guides. Harvard Pilgrim's "Mind the Moment" program has a free course and practice videos for mindfulness practice.
Find a role model. Develop mental resilience. Challenge negative thoughts. Reject perfectionism. Start every day with self-affirmations. Distance yourself from your fears. Ask your friends for help. Attempt difficult tasks. Practice mindfulness.