Article: Part of making sure that you're actually being heard is picking the right time and the right place. This is especially important if you're needing to have a conversation about a difficult subject. You want to choose a private moment rather than make something a public event. So if there's some sort of problem, having it out with your significant other in front of the entire family on Christmas Eve isn't going to be conducive to communication. Likewise, picking a time when you're both grumpy or already upset (on a long drive, for example) is going to make the other person less likely to hear you. While you don't necessarily need to write down your talking points word for word, it's a good idea to know what points you want to touch on. This is especially important if you're shy or tend to have more difficulty thinking on your feet. This can also keep you on track during a conversation itself, because you'll be better able to remember the things that you need to talk about. Ask yourself questions, such as "What is the solution I'd like to see here?" or "What are other ways I could feel heard?" While this ties in with the picking the right time and place, it's important that you tell when someone is open to hearing you. If they aren't, it rarely matters what you say or how you say it. If someone isn't open to hearing you, they aren't going to hear you. Their body language language can communicate a lot to you. If they're turned away from you, not making eye contact, or their arms are crossed across their chest, then they're likely feeling defensive, or not wanting to listen to you. If they are being aggressive, or angry, then it's going to be very difficult to get them to listen to what you're saying. In that instance, it's best to remove yourself from the situation as best as possible. When you're trying to get someone to hear you, you need to make sure that your body language is communicating that. Do your best to avoid shutting down conversation by paying attention to what your body language is saying. If you can sit next to the person you're trying get to hear you. Make sure that you keep enough distance between you and them so it doesn't feel like you're crowding them, but close enough that there's a connection between you two. Keep your tone of voice and your body language as neutral as possible. Avoid crossing your arms across your chest, or balling up your hands into fists. Keep your chest as open as possible. Maintain eye contact with the other person. This will help you to judge how they're feeling, and whether they're still listening to you, and it will help keep a connection between the two of you. You're trying to engage the other person without shutting them down. If you shut the other person down straight off the bat, you're going to find it next to impossible to get them to hear you. What you want to do is make this discussion a shared inquiry rather than an accusation. As an example you could say something like "I have a problem, and I'm wondering if you can help me with it" and segue into explaining that you need help taking care of the kids. A second example might be something like "I'm confused, I'd really like it if you could try to help me understand" and then go on to explain that you feel that there's a distance between the two of you and you'd really like to work on bridging that distance. Anger tends to be a mask for something deeper and more vulnerable, like fear or pain. When you launch directly into anger you're shutting down the avenues of conversation rather than opening them up. Vulnerability, while much harder (and scarier) to express, is more likely to be heard. This means, though, that you're going to have to share your hurt in a more thoughtful manner. This is why "I" statements are so incredibly important. You're explaining why you're hurt or why you're upset. For example: "I was hurt when you forgot to pick up the dry cleaning, because it felt like my important recital wasn't as important as getting home and putting your feet up" is so much better and more open than "You always forget to do things. I guess you just don't care about this important recital!" A conversation and being heard is not a one-way street. You can't count on someone being willing to listen to you, if you aren't willing to listen to them. It can be hard to hear things about yourself or about the relationship that clash with what you've been thinking, but if you want them to hear you, you have to hear them. Hear what the other person has to say. If you're not willing to listen when your significant other explains their side "I forgot to pick up the dry-cleaning, because I've been so stressed about our child's failing grades in school" then you're not going to get anywhere. When the other person is talking, cultivate active listening. If you space out or get absorbed in your own thoughts, ask them to repeat what they just said. Look them in the eye when they talk and pay attention to what they're saying, rather than focusing on what you're going to say next. Important conversations, getting people to listen to you, opening up when you're hurt or upset. All these things can be incredibly difficult and emotionally draining. If you can approach them with humor, you're more likely to get further. After all, people tend to be more open to listening to you when you're humorous about the situation than when you're emotionally charged. You can't always be heard. You just can't. It doesn't matter if you do everything "right." You set the stage, you pick the right time, you stay neutral instead of getting angry. Sometimes people aren't ready for what you have to say, and sometimes they'll never be. If someone cannot or will not hear what you have to say on an ongoing basis, you may need to reconsider whether it's worth having a relationship with them.
What is a summary of what this article is about?
Choose the right time. Know what you want to say in advance. Check if the other person is open to hearing you. Make sure your own body language is conducive to speaking. Set the stage. Express vulnerability rather than anger. Be open to listening yourself. Cultivate your sense of humor. Accept that sometimes the other person is not open to listening.