Q: Speak to the person who offended you. Ask them to talk about what happened, and share your feelings with your offender. Tell them exactly why their words or actions upset you. When your offender apologizes, you can either accept it or explain that you are not over the situation yet. You can say something like, "Hey, Joe, remember last week when you told me the blue dress I wore was ugly? That really hurt my feelings, and I've been upset about it since." When someone does something that upsets you, talk about it right away. If you don't talk about the issue, you will hold in anger and anxiety, and this will further fuel your grudge. You must let out your emotions in order to move on. Don't wait for someone else to apologize to you. That creates a sense of entitlement, and they may have no idea you are upset with them. When forgiving, you are looking to find peace about the situation and find understanding with both parties. This does not mean that you are condoning their actions, but rather it means that you are deciding to move on by releasing the offense and the effect it has on you. Forgiving others also urges them to change their behavior in order to prevent future conflicts. Let go your grudge so you will feel better. Don't dwell on the situation, and resist any temptation to dwell when it surfaces. If it comes to mind, immediately think about something else or distract yourself with an activity like watching a movie or reading a book. By revisiting the grudge and feelings of resentment, you are traumatizing yourself over and over each time you bring it to mind. Avoid this by letting go of the grudge out of love and respect to yourself, because you deserve to be happy. Remind yourself that you only have control over your response to a situation, so you can't do anything about how the other person feels. Reinforce these boundaries in your mind so that you don't feel responsible for someone else's feelings. To give up your grudge, you have to commit to forgiving the other person, starting with letting go of the negative emotions you attached to the situation. You will feel lighter and happier after getting this off your chest. If you have an expectation, you are setting yourself up for disappointment unless your intended outcome becomes reality. Give up expecting things from others and from your life, and instead focus on being healthy and happy. When you do have expectations for a situation, tell the other person what they are so that they know what they need to do to satisfy those expectations. People who fail to tell the other person what they want are setting themselves up for disappointment because the other person cannot read their mind. When you don't have expectations, you are less likely to get upset if someone doesn't meet them, and therefore you are less likely to hold a grudge. After you acknowledge your feelings and talk it out, you will likely feel emotionally vulnerable or exhausted. Give yourself some self-care by doing something fun or find support from a loved one. Respect yourself in the decisions you make regarding the apology by recognizing what you need. If you can't date someone after they cheated on you, break up with them out of respect for yourself. Do something nice for yourself, like a relaxing bath or a walk in your favorite park. This will show yourself some love and rid your mind of lingering feelings regarding the grudge.
A: Seek reconciliation with the person, if you desire. Confront issues as they occur to prevent this from happening again. Accept the apology and forgive the person or situation. Don't dwell on what happened. Release the toxic emotions associated with the situation. Don't put expectations on people or situations. Care for your emotions and do what's right for you.

Q: In the heat of an argument, it's easy to lose your cool and blurt out the first thing that pops into your head. But words really can hurt, and you don't want to say anything that might make the fight worse or permanently damage the relationship. Force yourself to slow down and choose your words carefully. Before you say something, ask yourself if you really mean it and if it's really necessary to say it. For example, you may find yourself wanting to say, "You're a terrible friend!" Do you really think that? Will saying it help resolve your fight? If the answer to either of those questions is "no," don't say it! Try mentally rephrasing what you want to say before you say it so you focus on their behavior. For example, instead of "You're a terrible friend," say, "I feel really frustrated with the way you've been acting lately." This shows your friend you're concerned about how they're behaving but doesn't attack your friend. Staying calm during a fight is easier said than done. But if you can manage it, it will go a long way toward keeping the fight from escalating and getting out of hand. Take a few deep breaths or count to 10 in your head if you feel like you're losing your cool. You can also try grounding yourself by focusing on things in your environment. For example, take a second to spot 5 blue things in the room, or focus on the physical sensations inside and outside your body. If you have to, walk out of the room for a few minutes and come back when you feel calmer. You could even say to your friend, "I'm feeling really upset. I need a minute to myself." If your friend feels like you are blaming or labeling them, they will probably react defensively. Using language that focuses on you and your feelings will help you feel more in control of your reactions, and will also feel less hostile to your friend. For example: Instead of saying, "You're always standing me up! You're unreliable!" say "I feel really disappointed and upset when we make plans and then you don't show up. I have a hard time feeling like I can rely on you." Your best friend probably knows how to get under your skin better than anyone, and you can probably give back just as good as you get. Don't give in to the temptation to belittle your friend or call them names. Even if they're not fighting fair, taking the high road and being the bigger person will help you feel better and may help your friend calm down, as well. Never insult or threaten your friend during a fight. Even if you're really mad at your friend about something, try to focus on their negative behaviors rather than who they are as a person. Try to be respectful of your friend by not interrupting them or shouting them down when they're trying to speak. Avoid exaggerations and absolutes, such as "You never listen to me!" Not all fights are going to be resolved in a single argument. If things are getting out of hand and you just aren't making any headway, it might be time to walk away from each other for a whileeven if it's for a few days or a few weeks. Try again when you've both had a chance to cool down. You might say to your friend, "Fighting like this isn't getting us anywhere. Let's take a break and talk about this later."
A:
Think before you speak. Try to stay calm. Use "I" language. Keep it civil. Take a time out for a bit, if you have to.