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It's not unusual to have a stepmom. You probably even have a friend or two with a stepparent. Getting advice from someone your age who is in a similar situation can prove to be very valuable. Feeling as though you aren't the only one adjusting to a stepparent will make you feel less anxious about the situation. Try to identify with another kid's situation, rather than focus on what's different about your families. Even if your friend's situation is different from yours, she's likely to be sympathetic to what you have to say. Starting a conversation about what is bothering you will help you get to know each other better. Sometimes resolving a problem together can make people feel closer to each other. This can help ease the tension and resolve the problems between you. Approach her with your concerns in an honest and nonjudgmental way. Some suggestions for starting the conversation are: "I'm sad and angry about how things are going. Can we talk about it?" "I want us to have a better relationship. Can we discuss how we could maybe do that?" "I know you're different than my mom, but it really bothers me when _____ happens. How can we fix this?" "I'm not used to your way of doing things yet. I was wondering if we could talk about what you think house rules should be." Unfortunately, not all parents listen to and respect the fact that their children have valid opinions. This is known as an authoritarian parenting style, in which "it's my way or the highway." Feeling unheard and being told to fall in line and simply accept your new situation "because I said so" can be extremely frustrating. If your dad and stepmom aren't listening when you say you're struggling, you may need to take other steps to deal with your stepmom. Talk to the school counselor about your feelings. Consider asking a mediator to be present when you talk to your dad and/or stepmom. A trusted grandparent, aunt or uncle, counselor, or family friend can help you communicate and compromise. Your dad and stepmom might be more willing to listen if there is another trusted adult present. Try to be as agreeable and helpful as possible. However, when you really need to get your point across strongly, do so with honesty and conviction. Your opinions do matter. While you may wish things could go back to the way they were, your family's dynamics have changed considerably. Be aware that some things must be different. Try your best not to fight every small change. When you feel you need to speak up, you absolutely should. Try to be direct and leave out any sarcasm, and you will have a better chance of being heard. It's never too late to try to resolve things with your stepmom. Let her know that you don't like how things have evolved and you'd like to start again. If necessary, apologize to her, and mean it. This might be the start of a whole new relationship. "I'm sorry for the way I acted. Can we try to start over?" "I don't like how our relationship has worked out. Can we try something new?" "I know you're not my mom, and you aren't ever going to be, but sometimes I just get mad about the whole situation. Can you work with me to try and move past it?" Sometimes actions speak louder than words. Ask your stepmom if you can help her with chores or grocery shopping. Offering your help is a great way of letting her know you'd like to make things work. If you can tell she's had a difficult day, offer to help her around the house, or take the initiative and start folding the laundry. If you drive, offer to go grocery shopping for the family. Collect the laundry baskets and do the laundry, or take the trash out when you notice that the can is full. Feed the family pets, or clean out the cat's litter box even if it's not your turn. You could offer to make dinner for the whole family once a week. Going to a movie together or taking a walk will encourage conversation and help build a closer bond between you. If she asks you to join her in an activity, say yes. Often, getting out of the house and into a new environment will have a way of dispelling tension and offer a new perspective. Try to relax and be open-minded. You might find that you have areas of interest in common that will help your relationship. Even doing little things like watching television together or playing video games with her can help your relationship improve. If you're uncertain how to do this, consider doing activities with a larger group of people. For example, going on a rafting trip or taking a class together might be fun.
Talk to other kids with stepparents. Talk to your stepmom directly. Learn how to cope if your concerns are ignored. Choose your battles carefully. Start fresh. Offer your help. Spend time with your stepmom.