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When we say a person is "selfish," what we often mean is that "She isn't giving me what I want." For example, if you ask your mother for a Playstation 4 and she says no, but spends money on new shoes for herself, you may think "She's just being selfish." However, this isn't necessarily true; perhaps she actually needs new shoes to go to work, whereas your Playstation 3 doesn't really need an expensive upgrade right now. Most people don't like not getting what we want; that's natural. But take the time to consider whether this is actually the result of selfish behavior from your mother, or if it is due to something else. You may also interpret behavior as selfish if it doesn't meet your needs as you define them. For example, if you want your mother to do your homework with you every night and she can't several nights because she has to work, you might feel that she's being selfish to not meet your needs. You have the right to want your mom to help you with homework, but you should also acknowledge that she has other responsibilities that sometimes mean she can't help you. In contrast, if you ask your mother to buy you a new pair of sneakers because you've outgrown yours and she says no, but then spends money to buy herself something frivolous, this may be an example of selfish behavior because she is not meeting your real needs. Selfishness often results in "win-lose" situations, where one person always comes out ahead and the other behind. Sometimes, this outcome is unavoidable: if you ask your mother to buy you alcohol when you're underage and she says no (which she should do), you're going to be in a win-lose situation because she has decided the outcome she wants and you haven't gotten the outcome you want. However, in most cases, compromise can help the two of you come to an agreement that works okay for both of you. If your mother is never or rarely willing to compromise, she may be behaving selfishly. For example, if your mother never allows you to use the car to go see friends because she wants you to spend time with her, this could be an example of selfishness. However, if she only allows you to use the car on weekends because she wants to you to be in bed early on school nights, this is a compromise: you get to socialize with your friends sometimes, and she gets to make sure that you're staying healthy and productive when you need to be. Another example of selfish mothering might be if she returns home from work and demands that you stop whatever you're doing and talk with her, regardless of whether you have other responsibilities or commitments. Her desire to talk with you about your day is healthy, but demanding attention on her own terms all the time is not. She may say that you are "ungrateful" if you do not respond to her demands in the way she wants. However, a desire to talk with you itself isn't necessarily selfish, nor is expressing that desire in an unhelpful way. If your mom asks you to stop your homework and talk with her, and you tell her that you can't because you have to get it done, she should acknowledge that and ask for an alternate time. This is a healthy compromise and acknowledges your needs as well as her own. This isn't selfish, even if her initial communication felt irritating or self-centered. Remember that in some cases, one of you may "lose" (or not get what you want), but in general, healthy relationships -- even between parents and children -- are marked by mutuality and compromise. An example of a win-lose outcome for someone who no longer lives with her mother would be a mother who always asks to borrow money from her child but never pays her back and uses the money to gamble. Emotional manipulation is another hallmark of selfish behavior. A classic example of this is the parental "guilt trip." The guilt trip may be unintentionally selfish -- your mother may feel like she's just expressing her love for you -- but it is coercive and unhealthy, and can lead to resentment of her. For example, if you are looking at colleges and considering a few that are far away from where you live, your mother might attempt to emotionally manipulate you into staying closer to home by saying things like, "Fine, go to college in Wisconsin. I guess you don't care that I'll be lonely." As another example, she might become easily offended if you tell her no. For example, if she asks you to do something and you say you can't, she may remind you "But I do so much for you. Nobody does as much for you as your mother." She may try to make you feel like you take her for granted, or she may compare you unfavorably to someone who "loves" his mother. Guilt trips and other types of emotional manipulation are selfish because they don't consider both people's needs as valid. An emotionally manipulative or selfish mother will put her needs before yours, all or most of the time. If your mother guilt trips you, it's very likely that she doesn't realize that this type of interaction can cause real harm. Studies suggest that people who use guilt tripping are often so focused on getting what they want through this technique that they don't realize it not only harms the other person, it can come back to haunt them later by encouraging you to disconnect. Believe it or not, sometimes parents can be selfish by giving you too much freedom to do what you want. Your mom's rules may seem overly strict or pointless to you, but she has likely instituted them to give you a framework to keep you safe, healthy, and happy. If your mother lets you do whatever you want, whenever you want, without talking to you about boundaries or consequences, she could be being a selfish parent by not giving you the structure you need to develop. For example, if your mother lets you smoke and drink underage because she doesn't want to have to discipline you or help you end these bad habits, this is actually selfish behavior. Emotional neglect is another sign of selfish parenting. If you often feel like you walk on eggshells around her because she is easily impatient, angry, or controlling, or you feel desperate to please her in the hopes of getting some validation or approval, your mother may be a narcissistic parent. This means that your relationship, in her mind, is all about her. Narcissists behave selfishly because they have difficulty empathizing, or putting themselves in someone else's shoes and understanding their feelings. Another sign of emotional neglect is that you don't feel acknowledged by her. Perhaps she asks about your feelings, but then doesn't really listen and blows through them to talk about herself. Perhaps she dismisses you when you try to talk to her about your feelings or concerns. These are signs of a selfish, narcissistic mother.
Acknowledge that selfishness is not the same as not giving you what you want. Look for "Win-Lose" outcomes. Watch for emotional manipulation. Look for signs of neglect.