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there were four movies that earned jamie lee curtis the title of " scream queen " in the early ' 80s .
two of them were halloween movies , but the other two -- prom night and terror train -- were the uninspired knockoffs that came directly after the success of halloween .
the same " god , i 'm scared
, there 's some guy in a mask coming after me " routine she did in john carpenter 's classic , jamie lee copies here , with none of the urgency or suspense .
terror train takes place on ( where else ? )
a train , charted by some pre - med students finishing their first four years of higher education .
most of them wo n't make it to med school , though , and it 's obvious from the foreshadowing done when the conductor complains , " i wish to hell they 'd put a radio on that train .
"
the conductor character probably has the most lines of anyone , even jamie lee .
from the beginning , he 's talking his head off ( he tells one of his co - workers " think on this -- when 's the last time someone built a shopping mall next to a train station ? " as if it makes any kind of sense ) and it only gets better as he engages himself in an argument about the benefits of railroad over recreational vehicles .
of course , the loudmouth conductor is the first person to find a bloody body , which is then gone when he brings a skeptical trainman back to view it .
i forgot to mention the prologue .
it 's a party three years earlier , with the same group of students .
two of them play a trick on a geeky frat pledge , promising him he 's going to get laid .
they send jamie lee up to stand behind the bed and talk to the geek as he comes in , noticing a form on the bed .
she says , " kiss me , kenny , " and he kisses the body on the bed , which happens to be a cadaver .
( " oh my god , they killed kenny !
you bastards ! "
)
it 's a sick trick , and one jamie lee was n't let in on .
she still has n't forgiven the guy as they board the terror train
( " you asshole , you ca n't have a good time without hurting somebody ! " ) .
the killing starts before the train even leaves the station .
since it 's new year 's , everyone 's wearing disguises ( a convenient plot device we 've seen before ) , and someone stabs the guy in the groucho mask when no one 's looking .
at least one of the characters says it 's a groucho mask ; when the killer dons it and steps aboard , it looks like gene shalit who , by the way , would make a great killer in a slasher movie .
speaking of weird - looking dorks who still persist on the entertainment scene , one of terror train 's most famous gimmicks is the appearance of david copperfield " as the magician , " who regails those aboard with illusions set to disco music .
then there 's his greatest trick -- getting laid with hair that looks like that .
for all its attempts at visual style and substance , terror train is more lionel than amtrak , more prom night than halloween , and nothing really worth watching .
only die - hard fans of jamie lee curtis and david copperfield ( if he truly has any fans ) should even attempt to watch it .
and it makes me wonder if a horror movie set in an rv could be much worse .
i mean , when was the last time someone built a shopping mall next to a train station , anyway ?
terror train is definitely the cinematic equivalent of a sleeper car .
Output:
N