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Be silent at first. Reassure the person of your confidentiality. Be encouraging when you do speak. Ask meaningful and empowering questions. Wait for the person to open up. Do not interrupt with what you feel or think about the "telling". Reassure the speaker. When giving advice remember to make it neutral and not too influenced by your own experiences.

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It might sound obvious and trite, but one of the biggest obstacles to listening is resisting the urge to voice impulsive thoughts. Likewise, many people falsely express empathy by sharing similar their own experiences. Both "gut" responses can be helpful, but they are usually overused and, ultimately, abused. Put aside your own needs, and wait patiently for the other person to unfold their thoughts at their own pace and in their own way. If the person is telling you something pretty private or important, then you should make it clear that you're a trustworthy person who can keep their mouth shut. Say that the person can trust you, that whatever is said stays between you two, and that your word is your bond. If the person is unsure of whether or not you can really be trusted, then he or she will be less likely to open up. Also don't force anyone to open up to you as this makes them uncomfortable or angry. Of course, when you say that what the person says will remain confidential, it should be true, unless there are circumstances that prevent you from keeping it to yourself, such as if the person is suicidal and you're deeply concerned. If you can't actually be trusted in general, though, then you'll never be a good listener. It's important to use empathetic sounding back at appropriate intervals during the conversation so the speaker doesn't feel like you're not listening at all. It's helpful to "summarize and restate" or "repeat and encourage" the main points. This will help the conversation feel fluid and will make the speaker less self-conscious about talking. Here's what you should do: Repeat and encourage: Repeat some things the speaker said and, at the same time, provide positive feedback as encouragement. For example, you might say, "I can see that you didn't enjoy having to take the blame. I wouldn't have either." Go easy with this technique, though. Use the empathetic sound back as a nudge from time-to-time because if you overwork it, you will come across as patronizing. Summarize and restate: It is highly useful to summarize your understanding of what the "teller" has said and to restate it in your own words. This reassures the speaker that you have truly been listening to what he or she is saying and that you "got it". It also provides the speaker with an opportunity to correct mistaken assumptions and misconceptions on your part. Make sure to leave the door wide open with statements like, "I may be wrong, but..." or "...Correct me if I am wrong." This technique is especially useful when you find yourself getting frustrated or you sense that your listening focus is wavering. Refrain from probing or putting the other person on the defensive. Rather, aim to use questions as a means by which the speaker can begin to reach his or her own conclusions about the issues being raised. This can help the speaker make his or her own conclusions without sounding judgmental or too forceful. Here are some things to keep in mind: Once you have shown empathetic listening, it is time to move into empowered listening: Re-frame the questions you ask. For example, "You didn't enjoy having to take the blame. But I cannot understand why you feel blamed rather than merely being asked not to do something that way." Wording the question in this manner presents the speaker with a need to respond directly to your lack of grasping something. In the response process, the speaker should begin to move from a more emotional response to a more logical and constructive response. In the process of encouraging a constructive response, an active listener must be ever-so-patient and let the speaker acquire his or her full flow of thoughts, feelings and ideas. These may, at first, start as a trickle and the full flow may take a long time to develop. If you press too early and ask too many personal, probing questions, that may actually have the opposite of the intended effect and may make the person feel defensive and reluctant to share any information. Keep your patience and keep your place in the "teller's" shoes. It sometimes helps to imagine why the "teller" has worked into such a situation. Instead, wait for the other person to ask your opinion before breaking the flow of their discourse. Active listening requires the listener to shelve his or her own opinions temporarily and patiently await appropriate breaks in conversation. When the conversation breaks, provide a summary or an empathetic concurrence. If you interrupt the person too soon, then he or she will be frustrated and won't fully absorb what you're saying. The person will be eager to finish saying his or her part and you'll be causing a nuisance and a distraction. Abstain from giving direct advice (unless you're asked for it). Instead, let the individual talk the situation out and find his or her own way. This empowers both the individual and you. It is the course most likely to result in beneficial change and self-understanding for the "teller" and for you. Whatever the conclusion of the conversation, let the speaker know that you have been happy to listen and to be a sounding board. Make it clear that you are open to further discussion if need be, but that you will not pressure him or her at all. In addition, reassure the speaker of your intention to keep the discussion confidential. Even if the speaker is in a terrible situation and saying something like, "It's all going to be okay" seems completely inappropriate, you can still reassure the speaker by saying that you're there to listen and to help. You can even pat the speaker's hand or knee, put an arm around him or her, or give another reassuring touch. Do whatever is appropriate to the situation. You don't want to overstep your bounds when it comes to touching. Offer to assist with any solutions if you have the ability, time and expertise. Do not build up false hopes, though. If the only resource you can provide is to continue to be an active listener, make that very clear. This, in and of itself, this is an extremely valuable help. Think about what is best for the person in question rather than what you did although this may help.