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The most important part of dealing with a passive aggressive relative (and family ties do make the emotional heartstrings tug harder), is learning to not get annoyed. Rehearse good thinking patterns in your head before you come into contact with the particular relative againa little mental role-playing can help you to avoid panicking and giving in to the subtle pressures. Tell yourself something like: "Granny is being passive aggressive again. I love her heaps but I won't let her mess with my head like this anymore. She is bitter about X but that won't impede me from doing what I have set out to do". Or, "Jon is being unfair and is trying to sabotage me by saying those things. I know he's behaving passive aggressively and if I get upset, he'll get what he wants. It won't change anything to worry or get annoyed about him. Instead, I'll either ignore the remarks or stand up for myself." Above all, stay calm. It can be easy to feel agitated or upset but this makes it likely that your response will be emotionally driven rather than calmly considered. Being calm will unnerve the passive aggressive person. Once you conclude that passive aggressive behavior is your relative's way of communicating (or not communicating) with you, and that is bothersome to you, respond. Wait until your relative does or says something passive-aggressive. Then, in a calm and friendly manner, ask "Why do you say that or do that?". If your relative pretends that he or she didn't do anything, say "You said or did (repeat what they said or did) just now. Do you not like my idea (or does my story bother you)?" If your relative denies being bothered by anything, remain calm. Say something like: "Well, when you said or did ... this made me feel rejected or silly, and it hurts my feelings." This is a non-aggressive way to remain open to your relative and show him or her that the passive aggressive behavior matters to you. Your relative will then have to explain his or her actions. Often, this is enough to encourage an open explanation or an apology, even if it is put forth in a gruff manner (i.e. "I didn't mean to make you feel bad, I just worry about your finances or your future/etc.", or "You know I love you, I don't have to say that all the time!"). Follow up with "I'm really glad you told me that" or something similar. This is a high-pressure situation for him or her, so appreciate the little steps your relative is taking. If your relative retorts that you are just too sensitive, stand your groundthis sort of retort is a put-down and not reality. Tell your relative that you are genuinely interested in his or her opinion, even if he or she disagrees with you, and that you want your relative to be comfortable sharing thoughts with you. This will probably be surprising to your relative. Many passive-aggressive people act the way they do because they lack the confidence to express themselves and face possible disagreement. If you tell your relative that his or her opinion has value, he or she might drop the defensive behavior and slowly come to interact with you on eye level. Always stick to facts. If necessary, keep a record in a small notebook, along with dates and the context. Be a broken record. If the relative tries to twist facts, deny things said or done, or blame another, simply reiterate what you know to be the case and what behavior you prefer. If needed, learn to be more assertive. Help can be found in such articles as How to be assertive and How to go from passive to assertive. If you are in the situation where this relative has made promises of any kind to you, treat them as empty words. Don't sit around waiting for a miracle; get on with doing whatever it is you intended to and find other people more dependable to give you any help needed.
Don't let yourself become a part of the game play. Confront the relative openly and politely. Share your own feelings. Don't let your relative brush you off. Stop relying on this relative to do anything for you.