TASK DEFINITION: In this task, you must classify if a given review is positive/negative, indicating your answer as P or N.
PROBLEM: stendhal 's syndrome : a condition where , in the presence of art , a person becomes engulfed in a painting and hallucinates and may afterwards suffer symptoms such as depression , suicidal behaviour and personality disorder .
grim stuff , to be sure , but the subject of a remarkable film from italy 's master of the horror thriller dario argento . boasting an unforgettable soundtrack from the grandfather of film music ennio morricone
, the stendhal syndrome is a quite magnificent return to form for argento .
it follows his disappointing american debut trauma ( 1992 ) , the patchy opera ( 1987 ) and several mediocre films he produced for young italian director michele soavi in the late 1980 's .
based on the novel by graziella magherini , the film stars argento 's daughter asia as young roman police inspector anna manni in pursuit of a brutal rapist - killer .
visiting florence to follow up several leads , she is lured by the killer alfredo ( thomas kretschmann ) to an art gallery , a favourite haunt where he hopes to identify exactly who is on his tail .
at the gallery anna is overwhelmed by a painting and faints .
posing as a bystander , alfredo briefly comes to her aid and having now identified his pursuer , a strange game of cat and mouse begins .
a gripping story evolves , and a coherent one , too , which may surprise those familiar with argento 's often lumpy narratives .
the stendhal syndrome is not a simple cop - hunting - killer scenario .
it is a disturbing and often compelling study of the central character 's psychological disintegration .
the script explores its psycho - sexual themes with intelligence and candour , perhaps too much so for more sensitive viewers .
but as dark as its themes are , the stendhal syndrome emerges as one of the most artful and effective european thrillers of the last ten years .
argento is once again working in his native italy , and he fully exploits the opportunities to use art and architecture for both symbolic statements and as departure points for several brilliant hallucinogenic sequences . effects whiz sergio stivaletti serves his director well here , and the cinematography by giuseppe rotunno is consistently excellent .
the film 's opening 20 minutes segues between hallucination , flashback and real - time with tremendous style .
proof that , at his most inspired , argento remains one of the world 's most exhilarating filmmakers .
the cast is generally good , though marred at times by dubbing into english that renders speech all but emotionless .
asia argento 's performance is by turns risky , awkward and fascinating .
it 's a difficult role , and given her relative inexperience on screen
she deserves applause for her efforts .
thomas kretschmann is chillingly effective as alfredo , and marco leonardi ( of cinema paradiso , and possibly the most gorgeous looking man in italy ) does okay as anna 's work colleague and increasingly confused love interest .
but perhaps the stendhal syndrome 's single most striking element is ennio morricone 's soundtrack .
active since the 1960 's
, morricone has scored over 100 films in his career and this must rate as one of his finest efforts .
it 's mostly a variation on the one theme : a slow circular melody for strings and wordless female vocal possessed with an extraordinary , haunting beauty that lingers long afterwards .
it 's been three decades since argento and morricone worked together .
this is a long welcome reunion .
if the film has a fault , it is that the last half hour drags a little and the film does n't quite reach a completely satisfying climax .
but by the closing scenes , the stendhal syndrome has already offered us enough to qualify as one of the very best films of dario argento 's career .
* note : see the uncut print from japanese laserdisc if you can .
dubs of this version are available from various video dealers on the world wide web .

SOLUTION: P

PROBLEM: it was with a huge lack of something to do that i decided to watch this on good old upn on sunday afternoon , when the only good things on tv are the second - rate movies they show ( some are good : they showed " total recall " before this one ) . if you know me , i think seagal is probably the most boring action star to ever live .
and this includes keanu reeves .
what do i hate about seagal ?
i hate how he uses one facial expression for every single threatening and non - threatening situation ( the squint ) .
i hate those scenes in every movie where he goes around , bullying people up , saying stupid lines with a brooklyn accent more fake than burt reynold 's hairpiece in " boogie nights .
" i despise how he never gets a bruise
in any of his fights .
i hate how every single plot twist leads to just a melodramatic fight between he and the chief villain .
i hate his non - satirical messages ( in the beginning of this one , he slaps on a quote from arthur miller , which has nothing to do with the film , except it 's about brooklyn where this film takes place ) .
and i hate how he 's so narcissistic that he thinks that he can actually fucking sing
( during the end credits , he has a good old hill billy rock tune sung and penned by him ) .
sure , the guy 's probably a nice guy in person
( i actually found him very non - threatening when he was on letterman not too long ago ) .
but the guy makes worse films than reagan did .
so what 's the plot of this shit - terpiece ?
well .
. .
something about him trying to catch a stupid - ass crook ( william forsythe ) who shot and killed his partner in broad daylight .
i could n't believe how bad this scene was - the guy was conveniently with his family so we get the maximum emotional effect ( ahem ! ) .
and forsythe even said some stupid lines to him before he took off .
i 'm sorry , did anyone ever hear of concealing one 's self ?
so in comes ex - brooklynite seagal , who dedicates his life to catching this guy .
and i just wished he had caught him in the beginning , then ended the film .
but noooo ,
this drags on , as he bullies forsythe 's family members ( including a stupid bar - owner , and none other than gina gershon as his other bar - owner sister ) .
and forsythe more than once threatens his family .
at one point , he actually comes to their house and stalks them like a non - threatening nicholson in " the shining " ( complete with them all hiding in the bathroom , but with an added bonus of one girl conveniently loosing her cool and screaming to give them away ) .
seagal paints himself as a lovable person , with a son , and a fiancee .
he even shows him hanging with his son , checking up on his homework , and then about to take him out for a bit of " catch , " when he 's conveniently called away on assignment .
i dunno about you , but playing " catch " with seagal was one of my childhood nightmares .
he also shows him as that bad - ass he wants to be , with scenes of him bullying crooks around , and taking out people who are stupid enough to attack him even after he 's unarmed a chinese guy swinging bats with a pool cue .
serves them right .
this film , as some of his do , has an interesting supporting cast of actors who are actually talented , but do n't appear to be in this film .
i already mentioned gina gershon ( who 's pretty horrible in this one ) , as well as william forsythe , who over - acts terribly .
i know this guy can act : he was awesome in " raising arizona " as goodman 's partner in crime .
but he 's just awful here .
jerry orbach gives the only credible performance in the film as the police chief who checks up on segal after things have gone down .
why is he the only one who gives a good performance ?
well , because his role is small enough and sporadic enough to not tarnish his credibility .
he seems to be in here just to give it a cool " law and order " feeling ( even if it 's not a " cool " feeling ) .
and in cameos are b - rated erotic - thriller - cinemax - style stars , shannon whirry ( as " terry malloy , " which is more of a bad joke than a clever one ) and athena massey .
oh !
and " er " 's
julliana margiulles has two scenes .
" out for justice " just proves once again that american action films just suck .
i know that there 's such a good thing as good action - he 's called john woo .
but if you 're in the mood for some good old no - brainer , fun - yet - dumb action , do n't bother watching this .
it 's so stupid that it 's boring .

SOLUTION: N

PROBLEM: plot : something about a bunch of kids going into a haunted house and playing out parodies of other horror and non - horror movies .
oh yeah , there 's also something about a ghost possessing the mansion and shit , but trust me
, you wo n't care much about the " plot " in this film . . .
critique : parody movies either work
or they do n't and
this one just does n't work !
the laughs are n't as pronounced this time around , the energy level , the gags and all of the characters just seem to be going through the motions here .
it 's like they were all in a hurry to finish the film or something ( wink , wink ) .
and the scariest part of it all ?
check out the number of screenwriters it took to pen this puppy : seven !
i say again , it took seven people to write 82-minutes worth of fart jokes , half - assed stunts and spoofs of films other than horror .
now i 'm not exactly sure if each of the writers wrote their own parts separately or just tossed
" funny sketch " ideas out there while smoking the chronic themselves , but the end result is a film that basically plays out like an extended skit on " saturday night live " .
there are a couple of funny one - liners , but mostly just rehashed one - joke scenes , a lot of dead silence and lame gags .
add to that the very unoriginal title and movie poster
and you got ta start asking yourself if anybody was even trying here ( the film 's website is n't even up yet ! ! !
what the f
*
* * ? ! ? ) .
i do however have to give it up to james woods , the man who opens up this movie with the funniest parody of them all ( the exorcist take - off-- miss this
and you 've missed any reason to see the flick ) .
i especially liked his one - liner as he walked in to see the possessed woman 's head turning .
very funny !
unfortunately , the film plummets straight down after that , with dumb parodies of many teen flicks that have nothing to do with horror such as save the last dance and dude , where 's my car , and other action movies like charlie 's angels and mission impossible 2 .
now help me figure this one out , will you ?
is n't this supposed to be a parody film of horror movies ? ! ?
( or maybe that 's just the title of the film f - ing with my head ) .
well , i 'm sorry to have to say this but the only horror in this film is its lame - ass script
!
the wayans brothers should have known better than to look towards the weinstein brothers ( money ) instead of the zucker brothers ( comedy ) for this sequel .
unfortunately for us , all we 're left with here is a skeleton of a film which might 've been funny , had it been worked over a few more times , tightened up here and there , and been injected with more solid laughs .
but as things stand now , there is no doubt in my mind that the obvious greed to capitalize on the success of last year 's film has led everyone down this path , so screw them for not trying as hard ( critically speaking , of course ) .
you should all be ashamed of yourselves for not putting enough " real " effort into this chop - job and for not providing your fans with the ultimate of your talents .
pooh on you !
( that 's telling 'em , joblo !
sheesh )
btw , i 'm allotting one point alone to actress kathleen robertson , whose massive breasts and skanky g - string had me chompin ' at the bit .
you go , girl !
everyone else .
. .
stay !
where 's joblo coming from ? airplane ( 10/10 ) - airplane ii ( 10/10 ) - galaxy quest ( 8/10 ) - hannibal ( 7/10 ) - the haunting ( 3/10 ) - mafia ( 5/10 ) - naked gun ( 8/10 ) - scary movie ( 8/10 )
- top secret ( 9/10 )

SOLUTION:
N