Write a question about the article

If I were leaving I would have the excitement of going into the unknown . The panic interest of figuring out what I ' m gon na do with the rest of my life . If I were leaving I could take some time to go home and visit my mom , or I could have taken a guilt free trip abroad . If I were leaving I could finally work on some of the more complicated knitting projects I have . I may have even scrubbed the entire apartment .
Why is the narrator a bit sullen as they write this ?