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When you are helping a loved one with BPD, you need to set up strict boundaries for your relationship. Your loved one will likely be going through an emotional rollercoaster at any point and can take it out on you. Have an honest discussion about what your personal limits are and what you won't take from your loved one. For example, tell your loved one, "If you start verbally abusing me, I am going to walk away." You can also say, "If you get to a point where I think you may hurt or attack me, I will leave the room or the house." Relationships between loved ones where one has BPD can be tense and problematic. Your loved one's disorder can cause major problems that may lead to hurt feelings and stressed relationships. Despite this, you need to let your loved one know that you still love him or her, even if you have to leave. For example, tell your loved one, "I love you and want to stay in your life. However, there may be times when I have to remove myself from the situation because of your behavior." If your loved one has BPD, you cannot force him or her to get treatment. However, you can encourage your loved one to get help and you can ask if you can offer your help in any way. By asking your loved one if you can help, he or she may be more likely to accept. For example, you could try telling your loved one, "I would like you to get some help because you are hurting yourself. I love you and only want to see you get better. Would you be willing to let me make an appointment for you with someone who can help?" When you are helping your loved one, you want to make sure to set realistic goals. It is common for people with BPD to have big goals in mind or try to do too much at once, so help your loved one to slow down. If your loved one has some big goals in mind, try to tackle them in small, achievable steps instead of all at one time. This way, your loved one will feel accomplished but know there is more to work on. For example, if your loved one says he wants to find a full-time job and finish his college degree within the next year, then you might encourage him to focus on one of these goals at a time. Then, you could break the goal into smaller steps. For example, if the goal is to finish his college degree, then you might encourage your loved one to focus on small goals, such as enrolling in classes, meeting with an academic advisor, and joining a study group to increase his chances of success. When your loved one with BPD is running on emotions, he or she may not be able to understand complicated language or long sentences. Instead, speak to your loved one in short, direct sentences that get your point across effectively. This will decrease the chance that your loved one will misinterpret your words or what you are trying to say. For example, tell your loved one, "I am leaving. I don't want to say anything I regret. I'll come back when we're both calm. I love you." When your loved one is extremely agitated or explosive, it may be a good time to remove yourself from the situation. Detaching yourself from the situation for a little while may help to deescalate your loved one's emotions. Try telling your loved one, "I will come back in an hour we can discuss this when both of us are calm." Leaving the situation is also a good idea because it can prevent you from engaging with your loved one's accusations. It is important to avoid becoming defensive in response to your loved one's accusations. This may make your loved one angrier and cause the situation to escalate.
Discuss your limits. Let your loved one know you still love him or her. Encourage your family member to seek treatment. Set realistic goals. Use direct language. Know when to walk away.