Problem: Write a positive movie review.

Answer: I've seen Mystery Men cop a bit of stick in the press and with the general public ( take the imdb vote for instance), but my overall feeling is that Mystery Men is more fun than most films, definitely wittier than most so-called comedy films and very nearly 'clever'.

The cast is superb; Greg Kinnear is excellent, as are Geoffrey Rush and Tom Waits. Kinnear's limo scene with Ricky Jay is perfect 'spoiled movie star' and he imbues his character with the right balance of comic book quality and realism to make him work.

I will admit the pacing is a little off in places, and visuals are certainly very flash bang, possibly to the detriment of further characterisation, but at the end of the day, this is high concept film making - it's about the little moments "What's Up Tiger Lily?" - and there are so many great ones in this film to make it worth repeated viewing.

Problem: Write a positive movie review.

Answer: Sergio Martino has impressed me recently with his Giallo classics 'The Strange Vice of Mrs Wardh' and the unforgettably titled, 'Your Vice is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key' - but even so, I wasn't expecting too much from this film. The Case of the Scorpion's Tail doesn't get mentioned as much as the aforementioned titles when it comes to classic Giallo discussion - but I don't know why, because this is at least as good as those two! Dario Argento may be the 'king' of Giallo, but with the five films that he made - Sergio Martino surely isn't too far behind. In some ways, he even surpasses the master. All of Martino's films were released prior to the jewel in Argento's crown, the magnificent Profondo Rosso, so back in the early seventies - Martino was the king! The plot here follows the idea of murder for profit, and follows the insurance payout of a wealthy man. His wife inherits $1 million, and it isn't long before there's people out for her blood! When she turns up dead shortly thereafter, an insurance investigator and a plucky, attractive young journalist follow up the case.

The Case of the Scorpion's Tail may not benefit from the beautiful Edwige Fenech, but it does have two of Martino's collaborators on board. Most famous is George Hilton, who worked with Marino on The Strange Vice of Mrs Wardh and All the Colors of the Dark, along with a number of other Giallos. Hilton has a great screen presence, and every time I see him in an Italian thriller; it becomes obvious why he is repeatedly cast. The beautiful Anita Strindberg, who will be remembered from Your Vice is a Locked Room, stars alongside Hilton and excellently provides the classic Giallo female lead. Sergio Martino does a good job in the director's chair once again, with several beautiful scenes - the best of which taking place in a room bathed with green lighting! The score by Bruno Nicolai (Wardh) excellently sets the mood, but it is the script that, once again, is the driving force behind Martino's success. Ernesto Gastaldi, the writer for Martino's other four Giallo, has put together a script that is thrilling while staying away from the common Giallo pitfall of not making sense; thus liberating this film from the rest of the illogical genre. The Case of the Scorpion's Tail is a quality Giallo film, and yet another success for the great Sergio Martino. If you like Giallo, you'll love this!

Problem: Write a negative movie review.

Answer: So, has it really come to this? Are we, as consenting adults, to blame for the next generation of cinema-goers lack of cinematic understanding and celluloid capability? Concerning the Wayans and Co. latest addition to the moving pictures scenario; Little Man. This United Kingdom P.G. (Parental Guidance), anyone under the age of twelve must be accompanied by a responsible adult, certificated movie, is the epitome of what has now developed into the worse case of dumbing down since cigarettes were "wiped out" from pictures of movie icons of the 1950's.

The predominantly under twelve's audience here who, some without grown up supervision too, sat there, obediently, taking it all in, oblivious to their subject and the partly grown up features that Little Man portrays, in part at least too. Movies, in general, can do better than this poor attempt, while this nonsense is getting them in while they are still young and fresh, the biggest fear for the future of Cinema is that a child's ignorance just might carry on through to a grown up bliss. Cinema deserves more than this, and so do its ever growing, and in the literal sense too, audiences, this blatant cash cow feeds on the ever-impressionable minds of the young.

There is no Cinema experience here, no open eyed wonder, no awe-inspiring respect to the magic of movies'. There is nothing but bewilderment and contempt, for the lack of substance, originality and its delivery of mind less tedium and parody of everything that is so now ultimately wrong with the Hollywood machine, for the sake of a quick buck, we must endure our future cinema audiences to the likes of this archetypal disaster movie.

Will this have the likes of Hitchcock, Fassbinder, Leone, Kubrick and Schaffner reeling in their graves? Money they all liked, no doubt, but talent and exuberance for perfection and quality, and to a vast degree, respect for their profession and audience, they were never short off. We are seeing, once again, with the works of the Wayans clan another cliche of bad taste, while the likes of White Chicks (2004) were in no doubt a stab at the bourgeoisie of American society. The irony here is that the two leading protagonists, played yet again, by the Wayans brothers, are so much undercover, that all recognition is non-existent, this makes for a better movie too, and it is the actor Terry Crews that gives White Chicks its substance and personality, not the Wayans.

Yet again, with their pastiche of 1970's Blaxploitation movies, as with the 1988 movie I'm Gonna Git You Sucka, this to can be seen as a comical and amusing movie, with heavy weights as Isaac Hayes, Jim Brown, Bernie Casey and the gorgeous actress Ja'net Du Bois. The point being, that Little Man has absolutely no persona of any kind what so ever, he is shallow and narcissistic, with no appreciation or value toward his followers, he quickly dives in takes your money and before we know it, has hidden himself within the cogs of commercialism. There is no recognisable effort as to where our money has been spent, after Scary Movie (2000), things could only have gone up, but alas they did not, no great pondering of artistic value and no doubt that the instalment from these intrepid movie moguls' next movies shall be straight to video, one can only hope.

The Wayans seem to have created a movie genre all by themselves, to a certain extent; they have bludgeoned to death the movie parody, they have watered down each and every avenue and with their inevitable style. They have slowly destroyed the reputation of the last one hundred years that Cinema have given us, may the ghosts of movies past be ever so humble in their judgement, as their growing audiences, so far, seem to be, for when the bubble bursts, may they be as understanding too.

Problem: Write a negative movie review.

Answer:
Every once in a while I will rent an action/adventure film just as a way to relax and occupy my mind with nothing important. This is why I own a copy of Charlie's Angels (2000) - not a quality film, but it makes me laugh and allows me to unwind for a while. One of these days I will probably buy copies of The Princess Bride and a few Monty Python movies for much the same reason.

In any case, I rented this film because I wanted to be entertained without being challenged. For the most part, I got what I wanted. The plot was something along the lines of a poorly written Xena episode, and the Kathy Long's acting was very community theater (not bad for a professional kick boxer and amateur actress). There were a few high points on the part of the cyborgs. Somehow they managed to get some pretty good actors to play the bad guys - unfortunately, most of them die pretty darned quick.

Like most martial arts films, the further you get into the movie, the more emphasis there is on action, and the plot (which wasn't strong to begin with) deteriorates almost as quickly as the acting. However, the more Kathy Long fights, the more time the director devotes to her backside. By the end of the movie I was seriously considering watching it a second time just to count the number of times Kathy Long's tight red shorts were center screen.

Unfortunately, there just wasn't enough meat to this film to make satisfying curiosity worth seeing the film a second time. If you are a hard core Xena fan in need of something to wile away a few hours - by all means, go to the grocery store and spend the .50 cents on the rental. There are some strong similarities between the show and this movie.

Just don't expect anything more than to be mildly amused for a few hours.

Unless, of course, you happen to like Kathy Long's derriere. THEN you might want to purchase a copy.