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oodbye now. Putting off going to visit a loved one in the hospital is always a mistake, as is waiting until the last days before a friend leaves the country forever. Don't miss out on your chance to say goodbye and brighten their final moments. Alone in the hospital can be a terrible place to die. Be in the room and say what needs to be said. Spend as much time with your loved one as possible. Be with him or her and support them. Often, the dying want and are very comforted by one of four very particular messages: "I love you," "I forgive you," "Please forgive me," or "Thank you." If any of these seem appropriate, take care to include them in your goodbye. We often have the impression that death or other "forever" goodbyes are supposed to be a somber and joyless thing. But follow the lead of the person leaving. Your role is to be there for them and to comfort them in a time of need. If laughter is desired, or seems natural, then laugh. It can be hard to know how honest to be with the dying. If you're visiting an ex-spouse or an estranged sibling, there can be lots of tension burbling under the surface, and complicated emotions at work in their passing. The hospital doesn't seem like the best time to let loose and tell off your father for being absent. If you feel like the truth will hurt the person dying, recognize this and change the subject. Say, "You don't need to worry about me today" and change the subject. It can be tempting to want to be overly optimistic, saying "No, there's still a chance. Don't give up" if a loved one says, "I'm dying." There's no need to dwell on something neither of you know for sure. Change the subject to, "How are you feeling today?" or reassure them by saying, "You look great today." Always speak gently and identify yourself as the person speaking. Even if you're not sure you're being heard, say what needs to be said. The goodbye process in death works both ways--make sure you don't regret not saying "I love you" one last time. Even if you're unsure if the person can hear you, say it, and you'll know. Both physically and emotionally, be in the room. It can be difficult to avoid becoming hyperaware of the significance of the moment: "Is that the last time he'll say, 'I love you'?" Every moment can feel tense and electric. But get out of your own way and try, as much as possible, to experience the moments for what they are: time with a loved one. Often, the dying have a great amount of control over the actual moment of their death and will wait until they're alone to save their loved ones the pain of experiencing it. Likewise, many family members are committed to being there, "To the end." Be aware of this and try not to put too much emphasis on the exact moment of death. Say goodbye when it seems appropriate.
now. Do what feels appropriate. Tell the truth, selectively. Keep talking. Be present.