Problem: Write a positive movie review.

Answer: Riding Giants

This documentary traces the history of surfing and follows three other well-made and acclaimed surfer films, Dana Brown's Endless Summer, its follow-up Endless Summer II by Bruce Brown, Dana's son, and Step into Liquid (IMAX). I saw the first, not the others.

While the surfing footage is spectacular, I valued most the film-maker's historic perspective. He takes us back to the sport's origins almost a hundred years ago, and shows how it evolved to its present form. This includes extensive interviews with leading personalities and performers, how surfboard designs changed over time, which beaches in Hawaii and California were most frequented by the world-class surfers, and what an incredible adrenalin rush the sport provided them. The athletes lived for months at a time on beaches, surfed from dawn to dusk, camped on rudimentary bunks, fished for food, and went back out on their boards the next day. What a euphoric way to spend your youthful days.

We see how the media discovered and promoted the sport after a slow start. What was the biggest boost to the sport? Believe it or not, it was the movie Gidget, although I suspect copyright issues may prevent crediting the Beachboys' surfing songs like Surfer Girl and Surfing USA. The Surfing magazine and Encyclopedia of Surfing (who knew there was such a tome) are mentioned for their contributions. We also see commentaries from the pioneers of the sport, their families, and how the current generation benefited from the originators in the 1960s. One such story is how 40-year old Laird Hamilton, considered today's greatest surfer, bonded with an earlier leading surfer, introduced him to his single mom, who he married before becoming his step-dad.

A rousing musical background of contemporary music from all eras accompanies the story. Have I whetted your appetite? Wonderful. Have a great ride.

Problem: Write a negative movie review.

Answer: I watch bad movies.

This movie is not good enough to be a bad movie. Not an ounce of humor, not an ounce of talent throughout.

I am LAZY.

Usually, I see a bad movie and curse. This was so bad, I actually made a review to try and save others from the completely boring mess I fell victim to.

I am smashing my copy of this movie.

It's too lame even to use clear a room. So boring. Watch 'Bloodsucking Freaks' or 'Shock, shock, shock' for absolute crap that has some merit as entertainment. This sludge looks awful, is awful, and whoever made it should feel awful.

Problem: Write a negative movie review.

Answer: This film was slow but tedious and the acting often drifted into the land of ham. Redgrave's character was unappealing as the 60 something woman trying to compete with Thurman's 20 something for the love of Fox's character (why is beyond me). The title of the movie should have been "Shallow people on the lake". The actors played like they were in a rehearsal. A dreadfully predictable ending to boot. I can't believe this is on this website as a comedy!

Problem: Write a negative movie review.

Answer:
I love sharks. And mutants. And explosions. Theoretically, with those parameters in mind, HAMMERHEAD: Shark Frenzy should have been the best movie ever.

It is not.

The monster looks like a villain from Power Rangers, and has approximately the same range of rubbery movement. This might be okay if the makers weren't quite as proud of its design as they seem to be. That is to say, for a guy in a big rubber suit in an action/scifi/horror flick that could benefit from some mystery, the shark gets a lot of screen time. Granted, it is usually shaky and erratic. I guess you're supposed to assume that it's so scary that even the camera guy freaks out.

The camera goes to a person about to get eaten, the camera goes to the shark. The camera goes back to the person about to get eaten, only now they are screaming and armless. And so on.

The costuming is bad, the acting is poor, and the special effects are sub-par, but the writing is by far the worst. Things happen completely randomly so that more people can be eaten, or so something can explode. Because LET ME TELL YOU, the people who made this movie definitely went in with a more explosions = more better mindset. Characters shoot cars and there is a massive explosion. They shoot helicopters, there is a massive explosion. Barrels, rocks, trees, WHATEVER, they all explode, so much so that the freaking shark even explodes at the end.

Speaking of which, I don't care how crazy a person is, I find it hard to believe that anyone would think trying to make a giant half-person half-shark have sex with a woman in order to make freaky shark people babies is a good idea. That is, UNLESS that person is the mad scientist in this movie.

The bad thing is, the movie is so random (and at times, boring) that even its badness is not really enough to hold a person's prolonged interest. It might be a good one to MST3K with your friends, but past that, if you happen to catch this bad boy on, do yourself a favor and change the channel.