Summarize the following:
Instead of verbally criticizing your spouse, which is telling them exactly what you don't like about them, replace it with feedbacksharing how their actions make you feel, whether anxious, embarrassed, uncared for, and so on. When someone knows precisely why their behavior is a problemand they can relate to it since they probably have the same emotionsyou are much more likely to get a civil response. Make sure you share your feedback with a respectful demeanor, keeping sarcasm and anger out of your voice. You may want to practice forgiveness before each time you share feedback. You should also take a mental step back from the relationship and determine that while your spouse isn't 100% what you want, they are mostly good, which allows you to accept them unconditionally, in spite of the little things that irritate you. When you sense a critical thought coming to your mind, arrest the thought and redirect it toward acceptance of your spouse as whole. In order to help stop criticizing your spouse, you have to start looking for the good. Develop a positive reinforcement mindsetwhenever you think of something negative about them, replace it with something you admire about them, and reward yourself for the effort. Rewards are proven to help us develop new habits and keep them. Reward yourself with something small, like a bit of chocolate, an episode of a show you like, or even a mini-break from a monotonous task. Physical affection is one of the clearest forms of communicating love and care. Studies show that even just a teacher giving a supportive tap on the back can compel students to volunteer twice as often. A massage from someone you love is likely to quell depression and even ease pain. Physical and verbal affection can communicate what your words don't, helping to save a marriage. Do simple touches like a pat on the should when they do a good job, a small kiss on the forehead, or touch fingers. Simple compliments communicate affection as well, like telling your wife she made a good dinner or sharing how happy something your husband did made you. Giving your spouse undivided attention is important for communicating value to them. If you or your spouse regularly watches TV while the other talks, or looks around the room or flips through the mail, or engages in any number of distractions while the other talks, then you aren't really paying attention to them. Instead, focus on the other person's eyes when they are talking. Focus on them when you realize they are sharing something with you. Thank them when say supportive or complimentary things, as this shows that you heard them. Show up with a gift of an item they recently mentioned wanting to have. Going along with paying attention is listening well. Active listening means that you wait until the other person is done talking and then give feedbacknot necessarily trying to solve the problem. Share what they are saying by offering a story of an experience you had that was similar. Make eye contact when they talk, or ask them to make eye contact with you when you talk. If you have been married for a long time, chances are that both of you have changed over the years, especially if you have children. Take some time to get to know them again. Ask them questions about their likes and dislikes. If they aren't sure of what they like anymore, offer to take them somewhere like a restaurant to help them figure it out. Make an effort to provide the things that you discover they like in gifts, at home, or on outings. Be intentional about being kind to each other. This may mean that you take stock of your interactions by recording them and playing them to back listen to how much you bicker. You can do things like making lists of what annoys you about each person and then write down how you usually respond. Determine to respond differently each time the other person does these 10 things. You can also be kind by serving the other person, such as cooking for them, assisting them with a project, or surprising them with things you know they like. Choose not to be rude, critical, or other negative things. If you change your behavior without informing your spouse, you may find yourself full of expectations of change without the other person knowing why you are disappointed. Tell them your determination to change your marriage, and ask them for what you need as a husband or wife. If you normally ignore your desires in an effort to put others first, try reversing this habit and expressing what you want before others do.
Stop criticizing. Look for the good. Be affectionate. Pay attention to the other person. Listen to your spouse. Recognize things that are new about your spouse. Be kind. Ask for what you need.