INPUT ARTICLE: Article: It is important to make sure that you are asking your loved one to change a behavior and not to change who he or she is. Try to identify the specific behavior that you would like your loved one to change rather than suggesting that your loved one change her personality. Some behaviors that your loved one might be able to change include: criticizing nagging making inappropriate remarks, such as racist, sexist, or homophobic comments yelling or screaming at you not respecting your privacy, such as by invading your space or prying during conversations People who are not willing to consider another's perspective or who are consistently engaging in behavior that is detrimental to themselves or your other family members are likely hard to talk to. Try to approach your loved one gently and start by offering a sincere compliment. Always begin your compliments with "I" rather than "you." For example, you might compliment your loved one by saying something like, "I appreciate your help with the dishes," or "I have always admired how assertive you are," or "I think your passion for politics is so cool!" Once you have gotten your loved one's attention and helped to disarm him or her with a compliment, it may be easier to bring up the behavior that bothers you without causing your loved one to become defensive. Remember the goal is to focus on a behavior that you would like your loved one to change, not changing your loved one. For example, you might say, "Dad, I feel uncomfortable when you make remarks about people who are gay. I have good friends who are gay and they are not at all how you describe them. I feel hurt and confused when you say those things." It is possible that your loved one will become defensive. When someone is blatantly refusing to change or reconsider an opinion, he may be out of his comfort zone. If this happens, try to encourage your loved one to approach the situation differently. For example, you might say something like, "I know this is not a comfortable topic for you, but I think it is awesome that you are willing to talk to me about it." Take care never to avoid your loved one, even when he or she may be frustrating you. Unless you or others are in danger because of the other person's behavior, don't avoid your loved one. Isolating your loved one may intensify his or her problematic tendencies, so continue to include your loved one in activities as you usually do. Make sure your loved one knows he or she can come to you with problems. Try saying something like, "I want you to know that I'm here for you when you want to talk." Change takes time and pressuring your loved one will not make it happen any faster. Try to avoid doing things that might cause your loved one's negative behavior to continue, such as: Constantly bringing up the issue. After you have made your loved one aware of your feelings, he or she will need to think about what you have said and make a decision to change or not change the behavior. Continuing to bring up the issue on a regular basis will not speed the process or sway your loved one. It is more likely to upset your loved one than anything else. Avoid passive-aggressive comments about a loved one's behavior. Making passive-aggressive comments is another form of pressuring your loved one, so it is best to avoid these. For example, don't say things like, "Too bad some people are so close-minded." If your loved one's behaviors are hurting you, then you need to stand up for yourself. This can be difficult, especially if you are used to keeping quiet when you have an opinion. However, you will need to start being more assertive to help your loved one see that his or her behavior is not okay. Try saying something like, "I respect your opinions, but I have a right to my opinion as well. The things you are saying/doing are hurting me and I want the behaviors to stop."

SUMMARY: Focus on asking your loved one to change a behavior. Lead with a compliment. Point to the problems with your loved one's behavior. Offer encouragement. Make yourself available to your loved one. Avoid pressuring your loved one to change. Stand up for yourself.

INPUT ARTICLE: Article: If you're upset about a situation that recently occurred, take some time to blow off steam before talking to your spouse about it. Initiating this conversation when you're emotional may not get you the results you desire. Wait until you're calm. To manage anger or frustration, go for a walk around the block. Do some light stretches. Or take several deep breaths, in through your nose and out through your mouth. Pull your spouse aside once you're calm and explain the situation. This can be a tough predicament since your spouse may feel torn between you and their parents. Avoid coming off as accusatory by using "I" statements. You might say something like, "I feel helpless when your mother comes over and brings the kids candy. I have asked her not to, but she keeps doing it." Discussing difficult matters regarding family can create tension. However, if you and your spouse can't get on the same page, you'll have a hard time getting your in-law to change their behavior. Remember that you both want the same thingsto live your life without being controlled by your in-law. Stay focused on the common ground between you to avoid a rift. You should approach your in-law about the issue as a unified front. Keep the issues happening with your in-law separate from your relationship with your spouse. Don't blame your spouse for their parent's behavior. After you've shared your feelings about your overbearing in-law, take an objective approach. Take a step back and get a clearer view of the situation. What's happening that you don't want to happen? What needs to happen to make the situation better? For instance, you both agree that your mother-in-law needs to respect your parenting decisions whenever she's in your home. Therefore, you might create a boundary stating that.

SUMMARY:
Gain control of your temper first. Tell your spouse how you feel using "I" statements. Get on the same team. Clarify your boundaries.