Problem: Write a positive movie review.

Answer: Poor geeky Marty (Simon Scuddamore) gets horribly burned due to a cruel April Fool's day stunt gone very wrong. Flash forward a decade and those involved (including Caroline Monroe, known to horror fans for her turns in Maniac, Faceless & the Last Horror Film) in the prank are psyched for the upcoming 10 year high school reunion not aware that a court jester-masked killer is hiding out in the (now closed down) school and out for revenge.

Chaulk this one up to being a guilty pleasure, I knew it's a bad film. It has all the characteristics of one. Yet there's just something about it that makes me feel compelled to watch it from time to time (preferably with beer in hand). I'm even willing to overlook the absolutely horrid ending (which, I do have to say, I hate) I guess I like it because it has a fun atmosphere about it and some pretty cool kills.

Eye Candy (for the men): Josephine Scandi & Donna Yeager both get topless

Eye Candy (for the ladies): a gratuitous cock shot of Simon Scuddamore at the start of the film

My Grade: B-

Lionsgate DVD Extras: Optional trivia track; trailer for this film; and trailers for My Bloody Valentine (1981), Monster Squad, Dirty Dancing

Problem: Write a negative movie review.

Answer: There are no spoilers here... Because there is no plot to spoil. Madchen Amick is living proof a face can make a living acting-- no talent required. The only bright spot are a few really good one-liners delivered very nicely by Alice Krige, but then again, she IS Alice Krige. Her soft dreamy voice gives the only hint at just how seductively dangerous these odd creatures can be. She is believably creepy in this otherwise unbelievable plot. How they got her to agree to this project remains a mystery. The screenplay writers must have been medicated when they submitted this script. It has major continuity problems, superficial stereotypical characters, horror formula writing, and simply falls short of making any sense what-so-ever. The creatures, while they have neat skills like going "dim", the question of where they come from and what they are is never so much explored.

Don't waste any time on this one.

Problem: Write a positive movie review.

Answer: Marvelous cult film from 1979 in which the students of Vince Lombardi High School are confronted with a new, dictatorial principal named Miss Togar (Mary Woronov). Togar is a music hater and blames the musical tastes of the students for their transgressions. Leading the charge against her is fun-loving Riff Randell (P.J. Soles), the #1 Ramones fan who, more than anything, wants the rock group to record her songs.

Now *this* is an impossible movie to resist. First and foremost, the soundtrack is incredible, with songs by such artists as Alice Cooper and the Velvet Underground in addition to the infectious non-stop assortment of Ramones songs. "Teenage Lobotomy", "Sheena is a Punk Rocker", and "Blitzkrieg Bop" are just a few of them. Next, the cast truly gives it their all, with Soles an ideal choice for the role of Riff; she is a true delight. Vincent Van Patten and Dey Young are earnest as Tom and Kate, Woronov is well cast against type as the snooty and disdainful Togar, Clint Howard has one of his best ever parts as washroom-occupying entrepreneur Eaglebauer, and New World regulars such as Dick Miller, Paul Bartel (particularly fun as music teacher Mr. McGree) and The Real Don Steele are fun as always. And, of course, it's a treat to see The Ramones playing themselves.

The movie has true spirit. The energy level is high, with co-story author and director Allan Arkush bringing a great deal of flair to the proceedings. There's also a great sense of humor. The paper airplane gag is a superb example of this. This extends right to the "wipe" style of scene transitions. There are even hilarious giant mice created by future makeup effects notable Rob Bottin, in one of his earliest gigs.

About as good as an authority-defying, defend-one's-right-to-party film can get. "Rock 'n' Roll High School" is, quite simply, a wonderful cult film.

8/10

Problem: Write a negative movie review.

Answer:
I so wanted to believe in this movie after the only form of mainstream comedy this country recognises is slapstick and stereotypes.

Of course, it went completely the other way - let's be cool and edgy - and came out the other side with little to show for it. I bet One Small Seed went nuts for this. I know SL did.

None of the main characters have the comedic chops to pull it off. Even Danny K had better timing. I'm actually being serious. Every time they introduced a bit character I kept thinking, "Darn, this person should have been the lead!".

Independent doesn't mean that the camera work needs to be horrible. Black and white did nothing for this movie - actually with such flat dialogue it hurt this even more by bringing the boredom into sharp relief. The black and white also wasn't crisp. The composition was horrible. The use of music was horrible. Strangely enough I watched Little Miss Sunshine after this movie and the composition on that was superb - maybe that's why the deficiencies in this movie stick out in my mind.

I think Corne (who was funnier than the leads before he even said anything) was speaking to this movie and not David - see it and you'll understand. I bet the guys who organise Oppikoppi were dismayed. One would think nothing happens there at all. I got the feeling it could have been filmed in someone's back garden. I know regular guys who have much funnier, raunchier and wittier conversations than any of these "comics". The dude who they hooked up with end was OK though.

Guess SA comedy's gonna stay in the stone age a little longer. Nice work guys.