polsci/sentiment-polarity-dataset-v2.0 huggingface dataset:
susan granger's review of " the musketeer " ( universal pictures ) 
hollywood launches another assault on classic literature with this $50 million adaptation of alexandre dumas's novel that's strong on action but weak on drama , fusing hong kong martial arts with 17th century swordplay . 
the story chronicles the adventures of the dashing d'artagnan ( justin chambers ) as he leaves his village of gascogne , headed for paris , to join king louis xiii's elite guard , the royal musketeers , and to search for the man who killed his parents 14 years earlier . 
this puts him in conflict with the formidable febre ( tim roth ) , vicious henchman for conniving cardinal richelieu ( stephen rea ) . 
the traditional musketeer trio - aramis ( nick moran ) , athos ( jan gregor kremp ) and porthos ( steve speirs ) - don't offer much help so he turns to the feisty francesca ( mena suvari ) , chambermaid to the queen of france ( catherine deneuve ) . 
scripter gene quintano and director-cinematographer peter hyams are primarily interested in the derring-do , as evidenced by choreographer xin-xin xiong's elaborate - but not original - stunts , including a fast-paced stagecoach chase , a tavern brawl on rolling barrels , high-wire acrobatics with the combatants dangling from ropes , and a ladder-fight sequence . 
filmed in southern france , the scenery , sets and costumes are spectacular , but the lighting is too dark and editing is filled with choppy , restless mtv'ish cuts . 
as the swashbuckling d'artagnan , bland calvin klein model justin chambers buckles where he should be swashing , totally lacking on-screen charisma , not to mention acting skill . 
mena suvari , so impressive in " american beauty , " seems like a contemporary interloper in the royal court . 
on the granger movie gauge of 1 to 10 , " the musketeer " is a cinematic but shallow 3 . 
 " all for one and one for all " ? 
not this time 'round .
stallone attempts to 'act' in this cop drama . 
the film is set in a neighbourhood pratically built by kietal , who's nephew ( played by michael rappaport ) is involved in a car crash and killing of two black youths . 
keital dosen't really want to get involved in anything , gets rid of rappaport , and stallone and de niro try to work out what the hell is going on . 
this film should be brilliant . 
it sounds like a great plot , the actors are first grade , and the supporting cast is good aswell , and stallone is attempting to deliver a good performance . 
however , it can't hold up . 
although the acting is fantastic ( even stallone isn't bad ) the directing and story is dull and long winded 
some scenes go on for too long , with nothing really happening in them . 
in fact , the only scenes that do work are action scenes , which i suspect stallone was trying to avoid . 
in this film , serious means dull . 
the dialogue is warbling , and basically just repeats the same points over and over , no matter who is delivering them . 
the plot , which has potential , is wasted , again just being cliched after a while . 
in fact , the only thing that does keep the film going is kietal and de niro , both delivering their usual good performances . 
however , stallone , although not given much to say , gives a good performance . 
however , it's not all that bad . 
as said above , the action scenes are well done . 
theres also a very good ending , which uses the cinemas sound system well . 
in fact , the last 10 minutes of this 2 hour film are one of the best endings of 1997 . 
if only the rest of the film was as good as the ending . 
cop land , then , turns out not to be a power house film , but a rather dull , and not every exciting film . 
hugely disappointing , and i can't really recommend it .
a number of critics have decided that it's open season on freddie prize jr . , slamming the young actor as an utterly talentless pretty boy on career cruise control in sound-alike , disposable teen fluff like " head over heels , " " boys and girls , " " down to you " and " she's all that . " 
while the prinze oeuvre is hard to defend , his talent is not . 
i first saw him in the independent dark comedy " the house of yes , " where he gave a subtle , impressive performance as the younger brother in one of america's freakiest families . 
prinze has the acting chops ; he just needs to take a few supporting roles in some grown-up movies to show the non-believers that he has what it takes . 
 " summer catch " certainly won't help his case . 
inoffensive , but utterly generic , the baseball-related romantic comedy does little more than kill time . 
the story deals with the love affair between tenley ( jessica biel ) , a wealthy cape cod girl and ryan ( prinze ) , a local boy from a working class family who dreams of becoming a big-time baseball star . 
ryan's preoccupation with his new honey-bunny drives her elitist father ( bruce davison ) crazy and endangers his position as pitcher with a cape cod summer league team . 
it's a wonder the kid has any time to pitch , as his time is occupied with making out with tenley , fighting with her dad , bonding with his own dad ( fred ward , who deserves better than this ) , fighting with his brother ( jason gedrick ) and carousing at a neighborhood bar with his teammates . 
the filmmakers desperately want to make a quirky , character-heavy baseball movie like " bull durham , " but haven't got a clue how to get there . 
and so they glide from one clich ? to the next for 108 minutes . 
the only bit of originality comes from marc blucas in a minor role as a center-fielder from texas . 
in an early barroom scene , blucas , best known as demon-fighting riley finn from " buffy the vampire slayer , " hears a young woman compliment a guy on his ass , then turns to teammate matthew lillard and states , " he does have a nice ass . 
a bubble butt . " 
when lillard gives him an " are you insane ? " 
look , blucas calmly says , " it's nothing sexual , " then goes on to evaluate the hind-ends of some other players , including lillard's . 
speaking of asses , prinze does not bare his in the movie . 
the actor has a no nudity clause in his contract , so two stunt-butts were employed for a couple of semi-nude shots . 
blucas , whose character secretly dates a large woman throughout the story , gets another unique moment late in the film . 
sick of hearing teammates make " fat chick " jokes , he climbs on top of a table and loudly declares his love of amply-sized ladies . 
while his speech still ends up objectifying women , it remains a nice change of pace in a numbingly ordinary movie . 
trivial tidbit : " summer catch " marks a scooby doo summit . 
marc blucas appears in " jay and silent bob strike back " as fred from the scooby doo gang , while freddie prinze jr . plays the same character in the upcoming big budget film version of the old cartoon .
everybody in this film's thinking of alicia . 
no , this is not a documentary on those of us after we first saw the " cryin' " video . 
this is one of those erotic thrillers , but not like one starring shannon whirry or shannon tweed . 
first off , there's zero sex , almost no nudity , and it's not as well-plotted as one of those tweed flicks . 
well , anyway . 
the " plot . " 
alicia plays , well , the babysitter , who is taking care of some kids one night while the parents ( j . t . 
walsh and lee garlington ) go out to a party . 
the film , trying to be like one of those introspective erotic thrillers , shows every characters' thoughts , except alicia's . 
the thing is alicia's in most of them in most cases , and the thoughts aren't too kosher . 
first off , there's her boyfriend ( jeremy london , who gave one of the all-time lousy performances in " mallrats , " and is only a notch better here ) , who's a dorky kid who hangs out with a kind of bully , played by nicky katt from " suburbia " ( who shows he's got that quiet creepiness down pat once again ) . 
they decide they want to crash her babysitting job , looking for the typical babysitting hanky-panky . 
somethine like that . 
the film intercuts between the subplots ( alicia babysitting , nicky and jeremy , the party ) and each characters' thoughts . 
we get to see jeremy and nicky's dreams of doing a little threeway with alicia , j . t . 
thinking of coming home to find alicia naked in the bathtub ( she has it all covered up , the little tease ) , and , worst of all , lee garlington dreaming of that hunk , george segal . 
it even shows them in bed together . 
yea . 
i so wanted to see george and lee garlington in bed , though i guess i'm used to george after seeing her and mary tyler moore fooling around in " flirting with disaster . " 
the ending is some kind of big tragedy thing , but come on . 
like we care about any of the characters . 
the only interesting one is alicia , mainly because she's alicia , and we mostly see her in the fantasies . 
so i guess she's some kind of mystery or something . 
but she is never explored further . 
so , basically , this film is just a series of mastabatory images , sometimes featuring a non-nude alicia ( once again , sadly ) , sometimes featuring a scantily-clad george segal ( once again , sadly ) . 
i watched this on one of those free previews of showtime or cinemax one night , and let me tell you , it is the only way to watch this film . 
i mean , there's a reason they put these kinds of films on late at night : they're just as good as sleeping pills . 
and this one is one big fat waste of time , even for an alicia film .
arye cross and courteney cox star as a pair of bostonians who meet in a bar , go to the movies , fall in love , move in together , etc . 
review ====== 
well , if you haven't seen when harry met sally or he said , she said , or if you don't watch love & war on television , you might think this is the most inventive film to come along in ages . 
however , if you've seen any of these , than you have seen most of this film . 
this of course doesn't mean its bad . 
some of it is amusing , but overall , i just had to ask what's the point ? 
arye cross is the stereotypical single male who falls in love . 
kevin pollack is the stereotypical female-fearing best friend who make a lot of rather sexist and vulgar jokes , most if which weren't very funny . 
couteney cox is the stereotypical career-minded woman who falls in love . 
julie brown is the stereotypical bizarre best friend of said woman . 
 ( notice the frequent use of the word stereotypical . 
this film uses a lot of formula , the plot is basically known from the opening credits . ) 
so what is good about the movie ? 
well as i said there are a few amusing moments . 
surprisingly , julie brown , who i usually find just plain goofy , was the best thing in the film . 
also there are several very funny sequences involving analysis of the human mating ritual . 
gee , this is really short . 
not much to say about the film really . 
it is just kind of there . 
watching it on video might not be a complete waste of time , but i wouldn't recommend hiring a baby sitter or spending a lot of money to see it at the theatre .
_soldier_ is hands down one of the worst movies a person could ever have to sit through that doesn't have jean claude van damme in it . 
i could liken it to the sci-fi cheese that was the hollywood product-of-choice back in the early 80s , but that would be too much of a compliment . 
if there is a movie theater in hell , this film is playing there 24 hours a day . 
the story , such that there is , revolves around todd ( kurt russell ) , an automaton of a man who has been raised from birth to be a merciless soldier in a not-too-distant ultra-conservative future ( is there any other kind ? ) 
after years of desensitization at a military academy full of other boys just like him , todd becomes a ground fighter in a series of wars all over the galaxy . 
who the enemies in these wars are is never revealed , but the few glimpses of todd in battle show that it doesn't matter , because innocent hostages are wiped out as indifferently as the bad guys . 
after ten minutes of this nihilistic trash -- yes folks , there's more -- we see todd as a buff , scarred adult , now so accustomed to the carnage that no confrontation at all causes him to break a sweat . 
there's a new wrinkle , though . 
todd and his brethren are declared obsolete , and a new batch of soldiers takes their place . 
after losing a sanctioned battle with _dragon_'s jason scott lee , the seemingly dead todd is dumped by a flying ice-cube tray ( well , that's what is looked like ) on a remote garbage planet . 
if you predict that todd meets a bunch of outcast settlers on this planet , and that they band together to fight a bunch of bad guys coming to destroy them , you're way ahead of the game . 
the renegade society on this trash heap is so clich you half-expect tina turner and master blaster to come strolling into frame any minute . 
it's surprising that _soldier_ is the brain-child of _blade runner_ co-writer david webb peoples . 
unlike that mind-twisting classic , this film contains just barely enough dialogue to fill about three double-spaced pages . 
add into the mix the _mortal kombat_'s paul anderson inept direction , and it's easy to see how _soldier_ turned out so bad . 
and the special effects ! 
remember the flying steam irons in hardware wars ? 
gary busey is in this movie . 
'nuff said . 
_soldier_ is proof that hollywood still has plenty of bad ideas sitting in its script vaults . 
that this sad film made it to the silver screen should encourage plenty of aspiring screenwriters out there that there is hope after all . 
now if you'll excuse me , i have to go weep for the future .
it's a sad state of affairs when the back box blurb is more exciting than the movie contained within it . 
such is the case for the 1990 paul mayersberg film _the last samurai_ . 
though the blurb alludes to " a jungle filled with political intrigue , uneasy alliances , and murderous enemies at every turn , " the story of the movie is actually quite simple ( and prosaic ) : a middle-aged japanese businessman named endo ( played by john fujioka ) and his assistant , both of whom have samurai aspirations , travel to africa in search of his ancestor , who went to bring buddhism to africa . 
he hires the services of down-at-the-heels vietnam veteran pilot johnny congo ( the redoubtable lance henriksen ) and his girlfriend ( arabella holzbog ) , and travels to the camp of an arms-merchant-cum-safari-host- cum-islamic-missionary ( john saxon ) and his wife ( lisa eilbacher ) . 
they are all kidnapped by an african revolutionary guerilla with witch-doctor aspirations to conceal a pre-arranged arms deal , which subsequently falls through . 
congo escapes , finds endo's ancestor's sword , and comes back , guns blazing , to free the rest of them , and endo kills the revolutionary with the sword . 
the end . 
_the last samurai_ is one of those movies that is neither bad enough nor good enough to be enjoyable . 
it is merely _there_ . 
the murky plot is filled with subtexts that are never elaborated , subplots that are never explained , and many scenes that make very little sense at all . 
the film is shot through with all the tired old " inscrutable japanese samurai " and zen stereotypes that are to be expected from an american movie . 
it is quite slow-paced , with only a bit of action near the end , and the final duel between endo and the terrorist is quite anticlimactic . 
most of the acting is fair , with the possible exception of congo's girlfriend . 
lance henriksen is his usual scene-chewing self , and is one of few possible reasons anyone might conceivably have for seeing this movie . 
the only other bright spot is the sweeping african scenery . 
i paid $3 for this film , from the discount rack at best buy , and halfway suspect i overpaid for it . 
if you are in the mood for samurai , read a clavell novel or watch a kurusawa movie . 
skip _the last samurai_ unless you are a die-hard henriksen fan .
birthdays often cause individuals to access their lives . 
are we doing what we want to be doing ? 
what happened to our dreams ? 
with the new millennium , our collective big birthday , just around the corner , some people are sensing a certain dissatisfaction with their existence . 
the old standbys of traditional religion and science aren't doing it for many anymore and they're looking for something else . 
we'll be seeing more and more films with a metaphysical theme over the next few years . 
ricky hayman ( jeff goldblum ) is having a career crisis . 
the programming director for the good buy home shopping network , he's going to be fired unless sales increase dramatically . 
new producer kate newell ( kelly preston ) is supposed to whip things into shape . 
when the two are fixing a flat , they almost run down new age pilgrim " g " ( murphy ) . 
g wanders onto the television set and connects with the viewers by telling them that they don't really want all that commercial crap . 
in some unexplained manner , this causes sales to sour . 
ricky is saved . 
the movie tries to be too much at once and fails at it all . 
it's not an over-the-top comedy or a heart-warming message of humanity . 
it _is_ a mish-mosh of poorly directed scenes made even worse by insipid dialog . 
i am willing to put up with preaching from a film , but the messages here are old hat . 
you should take time to smell the roses . 
selling your soul for cash is a bad idea . 
golly . 
i'm glad i saw the movie . 
i never would have thought of these . 
the opportunity to poke fun at the goofy products is mostly missed . 
when g takes a chainsaw to the set , there's an obvious chance for murphy to be hilarious . 
it doesn't happen . 
the bits are so subdued and overly-long that there's only a hint of laughter from the audience . 
murphy has changed his roles in recent years and not for the better . 
there are hints of promise in this one . 
the only time the film picks up even a little is when his shaved-headed character in the long flowing white caftan shows up on screen . 
the others are horrendous . 
goldblum has episodes of brilliance in his career , but here he seems to have been replaced with a lifeless pod from his " invasion of the body snatchers " . 
his relationship with kate makes no sense . 
they move from antagonism to love somewhere off screen . 
preston is as uninteresting as she could possibly be . 
somewhere hidden deep inside of this film is about ten minutes of value . 
an attempt to satirize stupid television , we get a self-parody instead .
starring william baldwin ; cindy crawford & steven berkoff all right , the first problem that fair game has is the casting of supermodel cindy crawford in the lead role . 
not that cindy does that bad , it's just that anyone who watches this film knows from moment one that that little bit of casting was not done because of cindy's extraordinary acting skills , but for her extraordinary ability to look drop dead gorgeous in any situation . 
and in fair game most situations tend to find cindy either soaking wet or very hot and sweaty , but i'm sure that that is just a coincidence , no doubt that these situations were essential to the plot and the fact that cindy looks great wet , well , that's just a happy coincidence . 
sure . 
william baldwin isn't a bad actor . 
unfortunately , he just doesn't demonstrate it at all in this movie . 
i'm not sure if that's because most of his lines were just so hokey , or if he was trying to make cindy's acting look good . 
if it was the latter , it worked . 
cindy does a surprisingly good job here in her first movie . 
which is not to say that she doesn't have room for improvement . 
although to be fair to cindy , her lines were kinda cheesy in places . 
so right about now you are no doubt asking yourself what sort of movie does cindy crawford , arguably the most beautiful woman on the planet , chose for her foray into the world of cinema ? 
well , i'm glad you asked that question . 
cindy plays a lawyer who by some convoluted plot twists becomes a target for former elite kgb agents . 
why woud they target someone as likable as cindy , you ask ? 
by the end of the movie you won't care . 
the story is so contrived it isn't funny . 
anyway after cindy gets blown out of the window of her house , without getting so much as a scratch i might add , she is placed into protective police custody under the watchful eve of william baldwin . 
who's character , max kilpatric , a police detective , seems to possess the skills of some sort of fighting machine ( my guess is that the writers have seen way too many of steven seagal's early films ) . 
the point is that the idea of the crawford and baldwin's characters of the run from these killer russians isn't all that bad of an idea , it's just everything around that basic idea which kinda stinks out loud . 
the supporting cast members are nothing more that over acted stereotypes . 
if i was baldwin , i'd hope this film disappears . 
as for crawford , she may indeed have some acting ability . 
unfortunately , any she does have is obscured by writing that goes beyond bad . 
this movie was obviously written with cindy in mind , since the writers spend most of their time finding ways to capitalize off of her looks . 
it's too bad they hadn't spent more time on a half decent plot , since ms . crawford is more than capable of looking just fine all by herself thank you very much . 
unless you are a huge fan of either baldwin or crawford this is a movie that will only disappoint you .
take a look at the following equation . . . . 
a christmas carol+ghostbusters=scrooged 
yes , scrooged is the odd mixture of sentiment , comedy and horror you would get if you mixed those two elements toghether . 
scrooged is alternatively sick , gross , funny , and then sickly soppy . 
bill murray plays frank cross , a t . v executive with a horrible personality . 
he's evil to secretary , actors , crew , everyone , except the t . v's station's boss , of course ( played by the late robert mitchum ) however , he is then visited by a very dead exec , who warns cross that he will be visited by three ghosts , past , present and future ( who is called the ghost of yet to come , for some reason ) sure enough , they arrive , show cross how much of a s . o . b he is , and he changes his way . 
however , throughout this simple plot , we've got to suffer outlandish special effects , poor comedy , and an very , very mean performance from bill murray . 
frank cross isn't 'funny' mean , he's just mean . 
he also isn't very good at emotional scenes , and totally destroys the last ten minutes of the film , with an utterly desperate speech saying how great christmas is , and how he has changed . 
however , the supporting cast are ok , with good performances from mitchum , allen ( who plays his girlfriend ) and john glover ( who plays cross's 'partner' ) the ghost of christmas past isn't that bad either . 
sadly , though , the audience has to suffer 25 minutes of 'home alone' style violence from the ghost of christmas present , played by carol kane . 
whoever thought smacking that kane smacking murray in the head with a toaster was funny , should be fired straight away . 
and the audience also has to suffer bobcat goldthwait ( the guy with the annoying voice in police academy 3 , if i remeber correctly . . . . ) 
who , thankfully , dosen't say much . 
the script is horrendous . 
michael o'donaghue churns out terrible , bad taste jokes ( which i guess is the whole point really ) then changes direction completely to emotional scenes . 
and he must of been on some drug when he wrote the final ten minutes , which are awful . 
the special effects look nice , but do nothing for the film . 
there's some impressive make up effects also . 
the music is also good , which is scored by danny elfman . 
but great effects and make up don't make a great film . 
scrooged is an appaling attempt to inject some christmas spirit into the audience , seeing as the first 1 hour 20 minutes of the film are so depressing anyway , and the last ten minutes had to make up for it with an godawful speech . 
why didn't cross just look out his exec window , and ask a young boy to buy a goose for him ? 
overall , then , you'd have a much better christmas if you avoid this film like something that should be avoided ( perhaps a plague )
post-chasing amy , a slew of love-triangle movies : this month we have kissing a fool , co-starring amy's own lee , and april brings us the object of my affection , which may as well be titled chasing allan , for it is the story of a woman who falls in love with her gay roommate . 
 ( to be absolutely six degrees of kevin bacon about it , that film stars schwimmer's friend jennifer aniston . ) 
if only kevin smith could write them all . . . 
schwimmer stars as womanizing chicago sportscaster max , who falls in love with his best friend jay ( lee ) 's book editor samantha ( avital ) a mere twenty-four hours after meeting her . 
they are soon engaged , and max , because of his own raging libido , grows suspicious of samantha's fidelity . 
he convinces jay to flirt with samantha during the development of his book , to " test her " . 
the trouble is , jay might be secretly in love with her . 
to stretch this flat , sitcom premise to feature length , the plot is framed by a climactic wedding , at which bonnie hunt recounts the triangular tale--the events leading up to the nuptials--to an annoying fat man and his silly girlfriend . 
hunt has the best comic timing of anyone in the film ; schwimmer can spin bad dialogue into mildly humorous dialogue ; and lee , poor lee , is miscast . 
so hysterically funny in chasing amy , here he is forced to repress his comic instincts : to swear , to yell , to talk about oral sex . . . 
the script's idea of a character trait is to stress that jay is a " sensitive man " , and then show him drinking pepto bismol when he's stewing over his girl trouble . 
as for avital , an israeli actress , she is warm and sweet , but we don't know anything about her character other than that it takes her an incredibly long time to realize the most obvious things . 
she also too closely resembles the stunningly beautiful kari wuhrer , who plays schwimmer's assistant and personal temptress , turning that particular subplot into an unintentional riff on vertigo . 
there are a handful , a smattering , of good scenes in kissing a fool . 
i enjoyed a moment in a comedy club , during which jay gets up and asks " has anyone here ever hated their girlfriend so much you wanted to kill her ? " 
over and over until he's booted off stage . 
there are also a few obviously improvised lines that are fresher than anything that's on the page . 
kissing a fool is never as clever as the thursday night joke-machine friends that spawned schwimmer's movie career , so save yourself eight dollars and watch three episodes of that series back to back .
yet another brainless teen flick , this one is about , surprise , drugs and sex . 
stars katie holmes and sarah polly couldn't look more bored . 
their characters are cardboard cut-outs of every cliched teenager out there . 
one thing you need to know is i really hated this movie . 
everything about it annoyed the hell out of me . 
the acting , and script , the plot , and ending . 
the director ( of the fluke hit swingers ) could have very well directed a bunch of no-name actors and had a watchabe film . 
the " big " stars of go pretty much drown the project of any originality . 
i felt like i was watching dawson's creek episode 200 . 
although the film still would have stayed at red despite its cast . 
the " surprise " ending was sooo predictable . 
since when is a male character's sudden outing of the closet considered a surprise in hollywood anymore ? ? 
go is dawson's creek + varsity blues - she's all that = go home and watch something else .
this movie stinks ! 
although it is professionally crafted and there are some decent performances , the plot is so bad it drags the film into the abyss . 
i knew i was in for trouble when , during the opening establishment shots , we see a detailed close-up of warrant officer paul brenner's ( john travolta ) military identification card and it is the wrong color . 
this might seem like a minor detail , but anyone who has spent anytime with the military knows that active duty identification cards are green and dependant cards are yellow . 
and what about the senior military officer whose uniform shirt is so wrinkled he looks like he is a recruit on his first day of training . 
or what about when brenner tells a suspect that , because he is in the military , he doesn't have the right not to answer his questions even though these rights were central to military law well before the miranda decision . 
how hard is it to get someone familiar with the military to check these facts ? 
now details like this could be overlooked if the underlying story held up , but this story is so full of holes it is painful to sit through . 
for example , at the beginning of the film , paul brenner , an undercover army investigator , gets into a gun and knife battle at his off-post houseboat and winds-up killing an arms dealer he had been investigating . 
the local police investigating the death are openly hostile to the military and they discover that brenner has been lying to them about the killing . 
but instead of arresting him , or at least take him into custody for further questioning , they release him . 
duh ! 
ultimately , brenner gets assigned to investigate the murder and possible rape of the commanding general's daughter , a young captain also assigned to the post . 
when brenner finds graphic sex tapes featuring the general's daughter , does he use them to generate a suspect list and begin grilling suspects . 
no , his instinct is to suppress them because they might be potentially embarrassing . 
eventually , brenner discovers that this murder is related to a violent gang rape at west point eight years earlier . 
i won't even go into the totally unbelievable rationale for the army's suppression of this horrendous crime . 
i will just mention one final flaw . 
brenner is investigating a crime that occurred in georgia . 
the rape occurred in west point , which is in new york . 
he is under a very tight ( and totally implausible ) 36-hour deadline to solve this case . 
he needs to discuss the rape with a psychiatrist at west point . 
does he phone the doctor ? 
no , he travels ( via some unexplained very fast transport ) to new york to question the psychiatrist in person , and then he returns to georgia ( again by the miracle transport ) , without once worrying about the impact any of this will have on his deadline . 
you have been warned , stay away from this one .
perhaps best remembered as the recently departed news anchor on saturday night live who always started the segment with " . . . this is the fake news , " norm macdonald , at times , could elicit some laughter by blurting out semi-offensive phrases in his raspy voice , coated with a condescending attitude . 
his shtick was marked by crassness . 
in this movie , for example , when his girlfriend says that she's kicking him out because he's been fired from 14 different jobs over the last 3 months , he tries to calm the situation by saying , " maybe you'll feel better after we have some dirty sex . " 
this kind of humor can only go so far , but certainly can't go the distance in a full-length feature . 
 " dirty work " , is nothing more than a sophomoric comedy about two best friends who grow up only physically . 
emotionally , they've never outgrown their pubescent years , which is somewhat amusingly explored in a beginning flashback . 
although having no apparent real world skills , the one thing that these two have always been adept at is getting back at people . 
if the meter maid was unjust in giving you a ticket , then dump a bunch of unpopped kernels of corn onto the engine block and watch the car burst apart . 
mitch ( norm macdonald ) and sam ( artie lange ) need to come up with $50 , 000 in a period of two weeks so that sam's dad ( jack warden ) can have a heart operation . 
their idea is to start a revenge-for-hire business where they'll do your dirty work . 
in the funniest scene ( and possibly the only funny scene ) of the movie , they take advantage of a live television shoot at a nearby used car lot . 
their presence is established , but when a less-than-honorable real estate developer hires them and then reneges on the payment , the two go to work to exact their sordid brand of revenge . 
by default , dirty work should treat us to some outrageous revenge plots , but it delivers jerky boys level material . 
except for the bit at the used car lot ( and possibly another episode that involves frat brothers ) , the dirty work is uninspired and becomes about as funny as a prank phone call . 
already weak on material , it further spirals itself towards the video store by having jack warden constantly blurt out that he has an unsatisfied libido and needs 'broads' and also includes a very unfunny chevy chase as a bumbling doctor with a gambling addiction . 
but what's really painfully evident is that norm macdonald has no versatility as an actor . 
relying on his trademark of speaking into his personal recorder and saying " note to self " ( " note to self : learn to fight , " he says after getting beat up ; " note to self : there's always beer , " he says after hitting rock bottom ; etc . ) , we feel like we're just watching an elongated rehash of his not-so-glorious days on saturday night live . 
much like the television show , for 90 minutes we get one or two funny bits . 
the rest of the story is just dead space .
what were they thinking ? 
nostalgia for the seventies is bad enough , but do we really need an eighties film ? 
robbie hart ( adam sandler ) used to want to be a rock and roll star , but in 1985 he's singing at weddings and having a good time . 
a romantic at heart , he loves weddings and is just about to get married to his high-school sweetie . 
when she leaves him waiting at the altar , his tune changes to " love stinks " . 
he meets waitress julia ( drew barrymore ) who is engaged to a junk-bonds salesman and you know that they are going to get together . 
in fact you know everything that is going to happen during this movie . 
sandler is somewhat adequate in his leading man role , but there is no spark . 
barrymore doesn't seem to be able to convey anything other than a pretty face with nothing behind it : beauty but no attitude . 
both characters are just there . 
bit parts by steve buscemi and jon lovitz steal the show . 
the eighties are shoved in our face . 
references to deloreans , madonna , " dallas " , ivana and donald , burt and loni and " miami vice " get old fast . 
the filmmakers must have realized that there wasn't much entertainment to the story and thought they could dazzle the audience with humorous period allusions . 
they're not funny and it doesn't work . 
with change on all fronts accelerating more and more , nostalgia appears to have a great appeal , but don't you think we could have more than 14 years before we yearn for the past . 
maybe we can look forward to a film next year waxing nostalgically about el nino . 
 ( michael redman has written this column for over 23 years and he knows that nostalgia is not what it used to be . )
capsule : combine one quart of raiders of the lost ark , a dash of a jackie chan movie ( sans jackie ) , two teaspoons of gun- and swordplay , and a dollop of cgi . 
simmer for 100 minutes . 
yields : zilch . 
the phantom is a depressing and tired retread of so many earlier , better movies that after the fifteen-minute mark i started cataloguing them out loud . 
it's hard to make a good action-adventure movie that doesn't simply recycle its predecessors , and i've seen movies that even at least did the recycling gracefully . 
the phantom , allegedly based on the long-running comic of the same name , doesn't even bother to be graceful . 
it's a stupid and incompetent movie in too many ways to list , but i'll try . 
the film opens up with a " prelude " sequence that looks like it was slashed to ribbons in the editing and then given a heavy voice-over to compensate for whatever got thrown out . 
we go from there to a jungle sequence that , i swear to god , recycles the truck-chase scene from raiders of the lost ark note-for-note , possibly even shot-for-shot , right down to the moment where indy wrenched open the door and slung one of the drivers out into the brush -- and then goes on to rip off the rope-bridge scene from " sorcerer " as well ! 
sorcerer , as you may well remember , was a remake of a french movie , the wages of fear , in which a bunch of lowlifes were paid piles of money to drive a truck loaded with nitro through horrible jungle terrain . 
both versions of that movie were far more interesting than this flick , but i've got my job to do , so back to the salt mines we go . 
anyway , the cinematic theft doesn't stop there . 
or at least the lack of inspiration . 
there isn't a single thing here we haven't seen , and it's not given to us in a way that remotely evokes our interest . 
we have ( where's my list ? ) 
a bad girl , a tough good girl , a secret cave hideaway ( which seems inspired more by dr . 
no than anything else ) , a boardroom meeting that drips with greed and venality , magical artifacts of terrible power , and cary-hiroyuki tagawa wasted in another stupid role where he gets to wear a fu manchu mustache and sneer a lot and generally humiliate himself . 
what else is there ? 
the plot is a waste of time . 
the sets alternate between big but hokey -- and tiny and still hokey . 
there are lines in the script that are just begging to be mst3ked -- and i'm sure once mike and the 'bots get the cash , they'll stick it on their sked . 
the only thing in the movie worth noting is billy zane -- he's a good actor , and he tries very hard , even when the script is sending him down one dead alley of a scene after another . 
all i can say is that i pray this isn't the beginning of the end for him -- although it sure looks like the final nail in the coffin for the comic-book super-hero movie .
words i thought i'd never write : the sequel to urban legend lacks the grace , wit , and power of the original . 
put the gun to my head , pull the trigger , and put me out of my misery . 
better yet , put the horror genre out of its misery . 
when you've finished watching urban legends : final cut , you'll share my same grim point of view thanks to the horrible acting , terrible script , and ridiculous directing which has become all too common today . 
urban legends : final cut is a smorgasbord of stolen movie ideas ( mainly from the blair witch project and scream ) : fabulous people with perfect teeth and skin , one creepy film school , and a dog eating a freshly removed kidney from one of the movie's hapless victims . 
urban legends delivers a story about a bunch of film students working on their thesis films to win the coveted " hitchcock award " which guarantees the winner a director deal in hollywood . 
one female filmmaker ( jennifer morrison , the freaky dead girl from stir of echoes ) writes a fiction script based on a serial killer who kills his victims according to " urban legend " tales . 
suddenly , her entire crew starts getting bumped off with urban-legendary homicides , but the bodies are always missing and she is often the only witness to the killings . 
the killer wears a fencing mask and a long black overcoat , looking like a scorned olympian out to avenge his defeat in sydney . 
why this is scary is never explained . 
of course , the golden rule of sequels is that there must be least one recurring character for continuity's sake . 
urban legends has one minor , recurring character from the original who we never cared about anyway ( the security guard , of all people ) . 
the other central problem is that this character has already seen the urban legend killings once before , but she's utterly clueless about what's going on around her . 
call it suspension of disbelief . 
this film is also a prime example of how horror films are now completely dead in the water . 
the last decent horror film was the blair witch project , and that seemed more like a snuff film than fiction . 
the stalking killer with crazy motivation has become a tired clich ? , as everyone seems to have forgotten : real horror is not about what is seen but about what is unknown .
recently one night a young director named baz luhrmann couldn't sleep . 
he tumbled out of bed and moved over to the television where he watched mtv for an hour . 
then he moved to his kitchen where he spent the same amount of time eating spoiled food . 
then he took down a volume of shakespeare's work and read it cover to cover - never really paying attention to the words or plot . 
and then , as a climax , he took out his video camera and pressed the " on " button . 
the result ? 
william shakespeare's romeo + juliet - the worst film ever made and a complete failure . 
though , to be fair , an interesting complete failure . 
the idea at the film's core is to make shakespeare appealing to the crowds . 
this is done by moving the camera around at a rapid rate so that we can't see what is going on . 
and filming the dialogue in voice over . 
and shooting leonardo dicaprio like a calvin klein model . 
and making the frame go still while flashing the character's name at the bottom . 
and filming long tedious action sequences in slow motion . 
i mean , man , this is the 90s , dude . 
however i've seen terrible films that are fun to watch . 
 ( examples are batman and robin and the island of doctor moreau . 
 ) that rule doesn't apply here . 
this is a film that takes itself seriously . 
that is it's major fault . 
another problem was pointed out by my friend , alex ( who was singing songs by leonard bernstein throughout . 
 ) ; the original play is a powerful piece of work because the author remained neutral and didn't take sides . 
here it's clear that we are supposed to side with romeo . 
 ( just look at the way they film him . 
 ) from the begining he's our hero and this doesn't work . 
and dicaprio's awful performance doesn't help . 
luhrmann never decides if he wants to entertain us or enlighten us . 
the result is a mess . 
you can feel him striving to be something he isn't . 
he tries to pull of a mix in which drag queens are filmed from purposefully arty angles . 
he tries very hard . 
key word : tries . 
 " oh look , he's filming above water action from below . 
pretty . 
what does it represent ? " 
why do people do ugly things ? 
i scrambled away from my tv set feeling guilty as if i could never read the play again and keep a straight face .
in times of crisis people are driven to desperate measures . 
of course what constitutes a crisis differs from person to person . 
what may be a disastrous situation for one , may be seen as a challenge to another . 
as deepak chopra is known to say , " it's not the ride , it's the rider . " 
unfortunately clear-thinking is not always the reaction to problems . 
wall street wheeler dealer steven taylor ( michael douglas ) is a man with troubles . 
he's sunk his money in illegal financial activities and it's blown up in his face . 
in a matter of days he will lose it all . 
his wife emily ( gwyneth paltrow ) is a highly-placed un interpreter and is not happy with her life either . 
her marriage is cold and unfulfilling . 
unknown to her , her new lover david shaw ( viggo mortensen ) is not only a painter , but an ex-con with a history of bilking wealthy women of their money . 
emily is a prime target : she's worth over $100 million . 
steven's solution to his predicament is to offer david half a million to kill his wife . 
the artist accepts and the movie is underway . 
drawing from frederick knott's play and loosely based on hitchcock's dial m for murder , this is all-too typical of summer releases . 
all style and no substance . 
and there's really not much style . 
director andrew davis ( the accomplished witness and best-forgotten other films ) has made exactly the wrong choices at almost every turn . 
douglas and paltrow have both shown us that they are skillful actors in previous films . 
mortensen showed promise in the past . 
here all three are walking uninterestingly through their roles with oddly waxen faces . 
the only person who shows any sense of life is david suchet as new york detective mohamed karaman . 
he's only on-screen long enough to make you think that there might be a likable person in the film and then he disappears . 
the first concern of a suspense film is to create suspense . 
surprises are important . 
in this movie the audience keeps waiting for something to happen . 
and nothing ever does . 
nearly every event is telegraphed in advance . 
close-up on this object or that action and it's easy to guess what's going to happen . 
as the film plods towards its inevitable conclusion you keep expecting a plot twist to make the movie worthwhile . 
it's a hopeless quest . 
the story doesn't make much sense . 
steven's wife is loaded . 
even with unfriendly relations , you'd think that he could have talked to her about his difficulty rather than deciding to kill her . 
when he does decide on the dire plan he makes an unreasonable choice . 
if you were going to hire someone to kill your wife , would your first choice be her lover ? 
no matter how sleazy he is , i would think there might be a chance that he would turn down the opportunity . 
why would steven plan the murder as a break-in in their apartment ? 
why not just take her out as she was walking to david's loft in a bad neighborhood ? 
while deciding among the numerous summer films , you might do well to skip this one . 
you'll find more suspense than this movie offers by watching the weather channel .