" goodbye , lover " sat on the shelf for almost a year since its lukewarm reception at the cannes film festival last may , and one look will tell you why . 
it's a mess . 
and that's * way * before ellen degeneres shows up . 
the film is one of those torrid double-indemnity crime stories that , in this case , required the services of three screenwriters . 
i suspect that one wrote a sexy thriller , one wrote a murder mystery , and one wrote a comedy , then director roland joff ? tried to piece it all together in the editing room while scratching his head in bewilderment . 
i didn't laugh at ellen degeneres much ( i think i was supposed to ) . 
degeneres is horrible and her character is even worse , a tough-talking vulgar cop with a bad wardrobe and bad hair . 
either degeneres is wearing a wig--as most of the actors appear to be--or she doesn't yet have enough clout to secure a hairstylist . 
every single word out of her mouth is supposed to be racy and hip , but her incessant wisecracking is poorly-written and merely stupid . 
her reaction to the brutal killing of a jogger is " at least she died healthy . " 
and that's one of her wittier asides . 
degeneres' sgt . 
rita pompano is called in to investigate the allegedly accidental death of . . . wait . 
to give away too much of the plot would all but ruin a film that has very little going for it outside of its numbing plot twists and multiple triple-crosses . 
it's best described this way : 
sultry sexpot/real estate agent sandra dunmore ( patricia arquette ) is married to jake , a " creative yet unfocused " ( and alcoholic ) advertising rep , played by dermot mulroney . 
sandra likes to act out her deep-seated sexual fantasies and jake's brother ben ( the suave-as-ever don johnson ) likes to help . 
ben is also coming on to his petite , mousy co-worker peggy blaine ( mary-louise parker ) and someone , somewhere , is planning to cash in on that huge life insurance policy of his . 
the film is ripe with cheating lovers cheating on each other and back again . 
although there are some genuine surprises , the plot twists get too contrived too quickly . 
probably around the time degeneres' gumcracking gumshoe appears . 
at least the former " ellen " star is going for something a little different . 
arquette turns in yet another of her stiletto-heeled , platinum blonde bombshell roles ( see : " lost highway , " " true romance " ) while quoting embarrassing lines like " i'm not wearing any underwear . " 
i hope she got paid a lot of money to do this . 
here's an example of some of the film's flat-out stupidity . 
sandra purchases a used car and disguises herself in a red wig prior to stalking two of the film's duplicitous lovers . 
she drives the motorbiking couple off a cliff while blaring her favorite " the sound of music " on her car stereo , intent on identifying herself to her hapless victims . 
so what was the point of the wig and the car ? 
 " the sound of music " stuff might be a reference to " the wizard of oz " allusions in david lynch's " wild at heart , " but if so joff ? must have forgotten that " wild at heart " was a despicable movie . 
it's hard to believe that " goodbye , lover " was directed by the same person who made " the killing fields " and " the mission . " 
it's not , however , hard to see why it sat on the shelf for so long . 
it should have stayed there .