polsci/sentiment-polarity-dataset-v2.0 huggingface dataset:
" virus " is a monster movie without a monster . 
any movie with a hurdle that large to overcome had better be pretty damn good otherwise . 
sadly , " virus " does not deliver , on any level . 
the movie opens with the russian space station mir about to transmit something ( we never find out what ) to a big boat with lots of satellites on it . 
sudddenly , a wave of colorful lightning comes flying through space , and winds up destroying mir and using it to transmit itself to the aforementioned big boat . 
cut to seven days later , we meet donald sutherland and his band of seafaring vultures . 
see , they spend all their time sailing around looking for dead-in-the-water ships to rescue , and then collect the reward money . 
at least , i * think * that's what they do . 
along with many other things in the film , their reason for being out in the middle of the ocean isn't really explained . 
so , they stumble upon this big boat with lots of satellites on it , and decide to haul it back to russian waters . 
the only problem is , the crew starts disappearing one-by-one and turning into borg . 
yes , borg . 
complete with the red laser beam in place of an eye . 
apparently , this alien lifeform can only survive if inside something electrical . 
so , it creates make-shift machines and uses humans for " spare parts " . 
blah , blah , blah . 
i could go on forever describing the ludicrous so-called plot , but i won't . 
suffice it to say the most original thing about this movie is having donald sutherland play an irish man ( ! ) . 
everything else in this movie has been taken from other ( better ) movies . 
for example , many of the machines resemble those found in the little-seen japanese movie , " tetsuo-the iron man " . 
and the plot is right out of " aliens " . 
the funny thing is , i was actually expecting to enjoy this movie . 
i have a soft spot for cheesy monster movies , like last years under-appreciated " deep rising " . 
but " virus " , as i mentioned earlier , doesn't even have a monster . 
it just has a big pile of circuits and wires and expects the audience to fear this ridiculous looking contraption . 
 " virus " is the type of movie that really makes you wonder what the screenwriter was thinking about when he wrote it . 
besides the lame " monster " , it's chock full of dialogue that no real person would ever say , and situations that no real person would ever allow themselves to get into . 
for example , there is a scene late in the movie in which one of the characters actually attempts to * negotiate * with the alien ! 
now , i don't know about you , but if i came upon a lifeform that viewed mankind as a virus to be eliminated , i doubt that i would attempt to reason with it . 
that makes about as much sense as a baby squirrel calmly asking a fierce predator to spare his life . 
finally , " virus " isn't scary . 
the least the filmmakers could have done was to make the movie just a little scary . 
as it is , it's about as frightening as a box of cookies . 
skip " virus " . 
if it's a cool monster movie you want , rent the far superior ( and the granddaddy of this genre ) " aliens " .
barb wire , pamela anderson lee's first foray into films , highlights the fact that her only talent lies in her silicone enhanced assets . 
being the only notable member of the cast , the camera lingers lustily o n her body at every opportunity , making her character's catch line , " don't call me babe , " sound very ironic indeed . 
from the very opening of the movie , we are treated to a striptease routine from anderson , ending in her hurling her stiletto smack between the eyes of a lusty male who happened to call her babe . 
throughout the movie , there is ample footage of enormous breasts and cleavage , if not of anderson's , then at least of the female extras . 
this alone is enough to retitle the movie babe wire . 
for a plot , barb wire rehashes the casablanca storyline . 
it is 2017 , the middle of the second american civil war , and barb wire , a former resistance fighter , runs a joint in steel harbour called hammerhead ( ! ! ) . 
known for attracting resistance fighters an d characters of all sorts , the bar attracts the attention of the government forces who appear dressed in nazi-style uniforms . 
in between bashing up helpless males and showing off her trademark breasts , barb wire has to help a former lover and his wife get to the airport on the other side of the town , past the government-controlled areas , and to freedom . 
even the airport looks like the one in casablanca , except that the plane in the background is a modern , private jet . 
there are hardly any significant moments in this film , and one gets the impression that it was designed for young teenagers familiar with the dark horse comics version of " barb wire . " 
if anything , one leaves the film with the confirmation that anderson di d not do her own stunts . 
who could fight and jump in a skimpy , strapless leather top , and yet keep her breasts from spilling out ? 
only a stuntwoman . 
not pamela anderson lee .
capsule : john the baptist is sent from heaven to see is the world is worth saving . 
he must find some sign of hope in the people of newfoundland . 
this is little more than a tv skit in movie form . 
it is watchable and apparently will be released to theaters in canada , but it is unlikely to be seen on the international market . 
it is diverting but hardly a serious piece of cinema . 
 , 0 ( -4 to +4 ) minor spoilers in this review . 
- written and directed by john w . doyle . 
- john the baptist sent to st . john , newfoundland . 
gets an invitation to live with a family . 
that extraordinary hospitality for some reason does not count as a reason for hope . 
- script has a lot of holes . 
- friend who adopts john is surprisingly militant and is planning actions to destabilize wall street . 
- john does look middle eastern , but somehow one expects john the baptist to be more dramatic . 
- there is a conspiracy in the vatican riding on the result of the visit , though that result seems small compared to the end of the world . 
- big yucks like seeing a nun give the pope a pedicure and evil pope's aid praying to a mendes goat . 
- in large part a satire of life in newfoundland taking licks at things like the poor produce . 
the one good tomato in grocery ( by virtue of a miracle ) " must have fallen off the truck to toronto . " 
- based on a 20-minute short film .
long ago , films were constructed of strong dialogue , original characters , memorable plot points , and solid acting . 
one of the best examples that hollywood now completely ignore these qualities is found in the new film where the heart is . 
this opus about the power of love and the redemption of family follows the tragic , and i mean tragic , life of novalee nation ( natalie portman ) . 
hitting the road with her hick , guitar-playing boyfriend in a rusted-out gm , novalee dreams of the blue skies of bakersfield and sipping chocolate milk beneath a plastic umbrella with her unborn baby , due in a month . 
stopping off at a nearby wal-mart for a quick rest , novalee's boyfriend decides to take off and leaves her there . 
novalee then decides to secretly hole up in the wal-mart ( because she's not the brightest bulb in the stagelights ) . 
a wacky librarian ( keith david ) comes to her rescue when she goes into labor one night while she is camped in the outdoors section of the store . 
then the she moves in with a family , befriends everyone in town -- including ashley judd's character ( who has five kids and still can work part-time as a nurse ) -- fights off religious freaks , survives a tornado , breaks the heart of the wacky librarian that saved her , receives an inheritance , builds a martha stewart-esque house , becomes an award-winning photographer , and manages to always look like she stepped out of a cosmo shoot , all while not once doing anything with her kid . 
this film is terrible . 
the directing is awful : it seems director matt williams had an index card with six angles written on it and used every one of them , over and over and over again . 
we get pathetic and ugly acting by natalie portman , who can do good work . 
a disjointed pacing of key scenes and a time structure so confusing that it would throw steve prefontaine off . 
a subplot that actually validates the actions of the boyfriend who abandoned novalee in the wal-mart parking lot . 
an embarrassing display of emotions by the characters , making the audience ill . 
taking two great comedic screenwriters , babaloo mandel and lowell ganz , and forcing them to write drama on par with oprah's book club . 
altogether , it has the feeling of being trapped at home , watching a very bad television mini-series and wishing it to end , only the remote is broken . 
however , the main problem with the film is that it never answers the most poignant question brought up : where is the heart ? 
no one ever seems to find it in this piece of junk .
nostalgia for the 70s continues , as we see a revival of one of the decade's greatest achievements : the marijuana comedy . 
however half baked doesn't quite run with all its brain cells , and will make you appreciate the questionable talents of cheech and chong all the more . 
the plot follows the misadventures of four ne'er-do-well stoners . 
there's the group's unofficial leader , thurgood ( david chappelle ) , scarface ( guillermo diaz ) , brian ( jim breuer ) , and kenny ( harland williams ) . 
kenny gets into trouble , when , while on a munchie run , feeds his snack foods to a diabetic police horse . 
when the animal keels over , he finds himself accused of killing a police officer , and facing a $1 , 000 , 000 bail . 
his friends promise to raise money for a 10% bail bond , but have no idea how . 
that is , until thurgood stumbles upon a stash of pharmaceutical marijuana being tested at the company where he works as a janitor . 
soon the three guys are dealing dope to raise funds , while avoiding the cops and rival dealer sampson simpson ( clarence williams iii ) . 
for a comedy , the film is pretty humorless . 
not that it doesn't try . . . it's 
just that the comic setups are obvious and the payoffs nearly all fall flat . 
the four leads are nearly all playing the same character . 
only williams stands out ( while still performing on the level of his humor-free comedy rocket man ) , but that is because he's imprisoned throughout most of the film , giving a much needed change of pace ( but mostly swapping one set of obvious gags for another ) . 
to help out , the film is packed full of cameos . 
steven wright , tommy chong , janeane garofalo , willie nelson , snoop doggy dogg , and jon stewart all make appearances at one point or another . 
none of them work , beyond the simple " hey , that's _____ " level . 
in fact the funniest work in the film comes from chappelle . 
not as his bland pothead lead , but in his second role , as a pot-obsessed rapper , sir smokealot . 
granted , it's pretty much a one-joke role , and there aren't a ton of laughs . . . but this film needs every one it can scrape up . 
to top it off , and in a move contrasting with the tone of the rest of the film , thurgood is given a love interest , mary jane ( rachel true ) . 
her role is that of the public service announcement : to inform us why doing drugs ( including pot ) is wrong . 
her character seems fabricated merely as a defense to the " your film promotes the use of drugs " camp . 
the film would have been better off by sticking with the " rebel " tone it so eagerly tries to claim . 
yet , in the end , it doesn't really matter . 
watching the film clean and sober , you are bound to recognize how truly awful it is .
i saw this film on christmas day expecting an upbeat comedy . 
boy was i in for a christmas dissapointment ! 
after an hour of the movie , i was ready to change rooms-into another theater ! 
read on to see what i have to say . . . . 
four rooms : 
starring : tim roth , jennifer beals , antonio banderas , quentin tarantino , valeria golino , madonna , bruce willis , marisa tomei , alicia witt , lili taylor , and ione skye . 
possible stars ) 
 " four rooms " was supposed to be one of the biggest hits of the year . 
key word here : " supposed . " 
four of the biggest directors in hollywood : quentin tarantino , robert rodriguez , alexander rockwell , and alison anders were all directing one big film with a big and popular cast . 
i guess it was all just too much because this turned out to be the biggest flop of the year and it could of been great . 
the plot : it's new years eve and it's a bellboy's first day on the job . 
he encounters many mysterious and kinky hotel guests as he tries to handle all his own problems . 
tarantino told his directors this plot , and each of them wrote a script . 
it turned out each of them had written a dark comedy . 
anders wrote and directed the tale about a coven of witches ( madonna , valeria golino , alicia witt , and ione skye ) , which was the worst one out of all of them . 
the second room ( jennifer beals ) was better , but lacking in plot . 
this room was about a man who accuses every man of sleeping with his wife . 
the third room ( antonio banderas ) was the best roomm , about two rambunctous kids that trash a hotel suite . 
the final one ( tarantino , willis ) was about a movie star wanting the bellboy to chop off someone's finger . 
the movie was just plain trash . 
there was nothing here that even makes up a quality film . 
it was not funny , and i didn't hear one laugh in the theater throughout the whole film . 
tim roth is horrible as the bumbling and mumbling bellboy , and he ruins every joke in the film . 
the supporting cast loses meaning to the word support and the only mentionable actors/actresses are antonio banderas and jennifer beals . 
marisa tomei appears in a stupid cameo role . 
this movie is the worst film of the year and the film could have been great , perhaps like a more upbeat " plaza suite , " but it wasn't . 
as trashy as it was , some people will call it classic . 
do you call a man chopping off a finger with madonna's chest showing a classic film ? 
look for more of ken's kritic korner coming soon ! 
please check the newsgroups under the movie reviews section for updated reviews . 
p . s . " four rooms " made number 1 on my top ten worst list of 1995 .
i remember really enjoying this movie when i saw it years ago . 
i guess my memory really sucks . 
there is very , very little that is funny in caddyshack . 
the laughs are few , and far between , and what there are really aren't that great . 
caddyshack , as the name implies , more or less centers on one young caddy working at an exclusive country club . 
michael o'keefe plays said caddy . 
why they cast this unknown , fairly untalented actor in the lead role is completely beyond me . 
the movie doesn't seem to have a real plot , just a series of scenes that are little more than opportunities for the rest of the cast to mug at the camera . 
the only real story , if you can call it that , was a subplot involving the mentally disturbed greens keeper , bill murray , who is having his own private little war against a gopher who is ruining the course . 
most of the marginal laughs come from rodney dangerfield and ted knight mugging and overacting for the camera -- with painfully limited success . 
bill murray is slightly amusing in places , but fairly wasted . 
the biggest waste of all is chevy chase , who didn't even crack a smile on my face with his character's lame zen-like approach to golfing . 
there are a few decent scenes involving the interaction between dangerfield and knight , but they are far too infrequent to carry the movie . 
i guess that's what you get for basing a story around an unknown kid . 
i'm not sure what the writers of this thing were thinking of , but i really think it was something far removed from comedy as they were putting pen to paper . 
nothing about this movie works . 
it wouldn't have taken a genius to figure out that this thing wasn't going to fly . 
most of the scenes just couldn't possibly be funny . 
it's as if the writers where off in their own little brain damaged world . 
i'm sure scenes involving chevy chase and his oneness with the golf ball were supposed to be funny . 
in reality , they were painfully embarrassing to watch . 
there is a scene at the club pool where all the caddies go wild for the " hot babe " of the movie walking by in her bikini . 
olive oil would have filled out this swimsuit better than this girl . 
everything about this movie was just completely implausible as far as the comedy was concerned . 
maybe if you were drunk out of you mind or high off some sort of illegal narcotic this thing might be funny . 
but for the rest of us , stay the hell away from caddyshack .
tommy lee jones chases an innocent victim around america who is trying to prove that she did not kill her spouse . 
the fugitive ? 
not quite ? this is the plot for double jeopardy , another fugitive copycat without the action , excitement , and good acting that the original had . 
there are other slight differences besides one movie being bad and the other good ; this time tommy lee jones plays a parole officer not a us marshall , clever huh ? 
oh and the fugitive ashley judd was framed by her own husband ( bruce greenwood ) who needed to collect two million dollars in life insurance money not a one armed man . 
both movies are on video . 
make the wise choice and pick the fugitive . 
there are so many flaws in double jeopardy , it is laughable . 
while serving time in prison , libby parsons ( judd ) discovers that she can never be charged for committing the same crime twice . 
learning that her husband is still alive , she decides to serve her time in prison , find him , retrieve her son , and kill her husband if necessary . 
when the strict parole officer travis lehman ( jones ) stands in her way , libby decides to break the rules ( who knows why ? ) and continue her plan , despite the fact that if she gets caught , she's going back to jail . 
director bruce beresford spends way too much time trying to convince the audience that libby misses her son . 
every other scene , we are given a shot of libby staring and crying at his picture . 
in an action movie like this , valuable time wasted on these shots takes away more opportunities for libby to get up and do something . 
all that is needed in this type of movie is a short scene in which libby tells herself or a friend " i miss my son . " 
nothing more , nothing less . 
dr . kimble of the fugitive didn't look at one picture of his dead wife , his primary concern was to save himself . 
libby at times shows this same determination but not nearly enough . 
ashley judd and bruce greenwood both are excellent actors but if they continue to do movies like this , they will be typecast for the rest of their careers , kind of like their doomed co-star tommy lee jones . 
winning an oscar for the fugitive must have convinced jones that audiences will never get tired of his i-do-my-job-whether-they-are-innocent-or-guilty roles . 
people still pay to see his movies and he makes plenty of money so i guess he was right . 
though i don't think he will win another oscar again . 
the ultimate mistake in the script is what eventually becomes of libby parsons . 
even if she was excused for disobeying her parole officer , the number of other crimes she commits while on the run are too numerous to count . 
burglary , assault , grand theft auto are some of libby's slipups . 
the message of the movie is you can break all of the small laws as long as you're innocent of the major crime . 
hopefully criminals won't use double jeopardy as a reference in court for why they are innocent . 
that would just be plain stupid .
while i am not fond of any writer's use of cheap , easy puns , i am not completely above using them myself when the situation merits it ( witness my review of _pecker_ from a couple of issues ago ) . 
so here goes : the juvenile , college-set black comedy _dead_man_on_campus_ is dead on arrival . 
strait-laced med student josh ( tom everett scott , who manages to remain somewhat likable throughout ) 's blemish-free academic record breaks out into fs , thanks to the influence of his ever-partying roommate , cooper ( mark-paul gosselaar ) , who introduces josh to the sex- and booze-filled nights that come with university life . 
with the threat of losing an academic scholarship ( josh ) and a life cleaning toilets for his dad looming ( cooper ) , what are two good-hearted slackers to do ? 
easy--look for a loophole , which they find in the form of an unbelievable rule in the school charter that states that if a student's ( or students' ) roommate commits suicide , the surviving student ( s ) shall receive straight as . 
so instead of studying , josh and cooper attempt to seek out the most depressed student out there , move him into their dorm room , and drive him to suicide before the semester ends . 
director alan cohn and screenwriters michael traeger and mike white ( working from a story by anthony abrams and adam larson broder ) take their sweet time to build the head of steam that comes with josh and cooper's diabolical plot . 
until then , the usual boring cliches of college life ( booze , sex , more booze ) fill the time , which is made to feel longer by _saved_by_the_bell_ alumnus gosselaar's sitcom-bred mugging . 
that said , once cohn and company do build some comic momentum , they mishandle it . 
the introduction of the manic , psychotic cliff ( lochlyn munro ) , a potential roommate for josh and cooper , brings some demented life to the uninspired proceedings before being hastily written out in favor of two less interesting candidates : paranoid nerd buckley ( randy pearlstein ) and british death rocker matt ( corey page ) . 
one wishes that cliff would reappear , but , as they say , be careful what you wish for . 
not surprisingly , he does resurface , and it then becomes clear that this is a character that is best taken in a small dose ; almost immediately , his extended boorish and sociopathic antics loses its novelty . 
the same can be said about all of _dead_man_on_campus_ . 
whatever morbid appeal the far-fetched premise has quickly evaporates , and the self-absorbed characters , especially cooper , pretty much grate from the get-go . 
_dead_man_ doesn't grow tiresome ; it already _is_ once the clever opening titles are through . 
as it slogs along to a cheesy , happy-for-all-parties conclusion , _dead_man_ lives up to its title and then some--not only does the movie grow even more tired and die , it still insists on going on . . . 
like a zombie .
in a typical cinematic high school , the football jocks have sex with the girls and then dump them , but not before the boys' scores are dutifully recorded in their little black books . 
as the sexual acts take place , the other guys hang out nearby , guzzling beer and grunting like pigs . 
in the rage : carrie 2 , robert mandel's terminally bland sequel to carrie , there isn't a single original moment . 
only amy irving returns from carrie , and the talent of the rest of the sequel's cast is impossible to determine given the stupefying mediocrity of rafael moreu's script . 
as rachel , the horror story's lead , emily bergl gives one of the least scary performances in recent memory , but it isn't exactly her fault . 
the director asks for little from his actors , which is precisely what he gets . 
sporadically in this lame and lifeless movie , rachel will cause school lockers and windows to fly open , but generally she just mopes around looking like a victim . 
her fellow students delight in tormenting her . 
of course , she will get her revenge in the obligatory ending bloodbath in which she will decapitate and castrate the boys and crush the girls with burning timbers . 
as the movie marks time until its big finale , it throws in some repugnant scenes , hoping to turn audience's stomachs . 
rachel's girlfriend commits a horrible and realistic suicide after the boy who made " love " to her the night before spurns her . 
 ( he gets major points in his black book for this , but his buddies say he would have gotten more if he had had sex with her after her death . ) 
even a helpless puppy is run over , and we see his poor , little body flipping over and over under a truck . 
the teenagers in the movie are completely blas ? about it all . 
 " doesn't it offend you that some girl offed herself yesterday , " asks one of the few kids with a conscience . 
 " why ? " 
responds his nonplussed girlfriend . 
 " she wasn't anybody . " 
remarkably devoid of any energy , especially for a horror flick , the movie makes one yearn for a fast forward button on the theater's armrest . 
with material this bad , the film's only hope is to go for parody , but it isn't smart enough to realize it . 
even the mandatory epilogue is as pointless and predictable as the rest of the movie . 
the rage : carrie 2 runs 1 : 45 . 
it is rated r for graphic violence , teen alcohol abuse , sex , nudity and profanity and would be acceptable only for older teenagers .
man , this was one wierd movie . 
similar to conspiracy theory in that it couldn't decide which genre it is . 
the first hour is your standard stock aliens clone , which nicely created an eerie atmosphere about the ship . 
the last half hour ? 
this was when the makers blew the script out the airlock and just decided - " screw it , let's just kill everybody " . 
from then on - forget sci-fi . . . this 
movie becomes 100% horror . 
what really dissappointed me about this movie was that it tried to scare you in entirely the wrong way . 
instead of using clever tricks or trying to build up to a scare - this movie just uses loud noises , sudden camera shifts and short quick bursts of gore . . . . . yawn . . . . everyone's 
seen it all before and knows when to expect it . 
the one thing that was done well was the lead up to finding out about what happened to the previous crew . 
there are skeletons lying around mangled and mashed , but what did this ? 
then finally after being painfully restored - the new crew views the video . 
the acting isn't too bad at all . . . . . considering what the actors had to work with anyway , as there is no complex or interesting dialogue to speak of . 
there was some very nice camerawork in certain sequences though , like when the hull near the bridge of the event horizon is breached and the camera pans back to follow specific objects as they bounce across the deck and are sucked out into space . 
this movie could have been so much better . 
it had a good experienced cast who deserved more to work with . 
there was just nothing new here that any of us haven't seen before in aliens or hellraiser .
salaries of hollywood top actors are getting obscenely large these days and many find this to be the main reason for skyrocketing movie budgets . 
actors who demand such salaries might be greedy , but in some instances they are quite justified , because many films would never be watched or even made without their participation . 
proof for that can be found even in the realm of low-budget movies , and one fine example is breakaway , 1995 thriller directed by sean dash and starring ( in ) famous figure skater tonya harding . 
face of tonya harding is most prominently featured on movie's poster , but the main star of the film is terri thompson who plays myra , attractive woman who works as a courier for gangster . 
one day she decides to retire , but her employers are anything but enthusiastic about that . 
realising that her life suddenly became worthless , myra starts running for her life , followed by professional assassins . 
terri thompson being the actual star of the film instead of tonya harding becomes quite understandable after the scenes that feature former figure skater . 
although tonya harding displays convincing martial arts abilities , her acting leaves much to be desired . 
on the other hand , her disappointing efforts are hardly out of place in the film that lacks originality , believable characters and situations and actually represents anything that gave b-films a bad name . 
martin sheen's brother joe estevez , whose character looks like he had entered from another movies' set , is the only bright spot of breakaway . 
unfortunately , he appears in this film too little too late to prevent viewers from realising why tonya harding's silver screen debut proved to be her last film .
the kids in the hall are an acquired taste . 
it took at least a season of watching their show on hbo before i became a believer . 
maybe after watching a half dozen kids in the hall movies , they would grow into the big screen . 
my recommendation is that , unless you are a big fan of the kids , skip the film . 
as it is , their first--and most likely only--attempt at a full length film lacks the qualities that made their comedy work on tv . 
a big-budget and glossy production can not make up for a lack of spontaneity that permeates their tv show . 
the kids go through the motions , but you get the feeling that they arent really having fun doing so . 
and this makes it more difficult for the audience to enjoy their antics . 
brain candy is a bunch of skits tied together by the story of a pharmaceutical company that develops a new drug to cure depression . 
in typical sketch-comedy tradition , each actor plays several roles . 
doctor cooper ( kevin mcdonald ) and his team create the drug . 
then , under pressure from don roritor ( mark mckinney ) , founder and president of roritor pharmaceuticals , dr . cooper releases the drug into the marketplace . 
the ensuing distribution of the new happy pill throughout the populace drives the rest of the film . 
at about 90 minutes , brain candy still seems long . 
the best thing about sketch comedy--and the kids are no exception--is the ability to quickly deliver the laughs , then go on to another quick skit . 
but with the additional set-up necessary in telling a longer , coherent story , the laughs just dont come fast enough . 
strangely , the show is even more tame than it was when on cable tv . 
the movie makes several attempts at risqueness--mostly by pointing up the gayness of one of scott thompsons characters--but they seem almost forced ; as if they have to live up to a pg rating . 
one of the best bits , though , does make use of thompsons naked buttocks ; we see him charging into battle--going to have sex with some guys taking a shower . 
in the classic of this genre , monty python pulled off this delicate balancing act between plot advancement and punchline delivery for most of the holy grail . 
the kids , unfortunately , are not up to the task . 
there are some amusing moments , to be sure , but not enough to make the experience an enjoyable one .
there was a time when john carpenter was a great horror director . 
of course , his best film was 1978's masterpiece , " halloween , " but he also made 1980's " the fog , " and 1987's underrated , " prince of darkness . " 
heck , he even made a good film in 1995 , with " in the mouth of madness . " 
but something terribly wrong happened to him in 1992 , with the terrible comedy , " memoirs of an invisible man . " 
somehow , carpenter has lost his touch , with junk like his failed 1995 remake of , " village of the damned , " to his uninspired 1996 sequel , " escape from l . a . " those movies , however , look like cinematic works of art compared to his latest film , " john carpenter's vampires . " 
if i was him , i definately wouldn't want to put my own name in the title . 
it is a sad state of affairs when carpenter can make something as misguided and flatly written and filmed as , " vampires . " 
the story is simple . 
jack crow ( james woods ) is a vampire hunter who , along with one of his partners , montoya ( daniel baldwin ) , and a prostitute , katrina ( sheryl lee ) , survives an attack from the master vampire , valek ( thomas ian griffith ) . 
since katrina was previously bitten by him , crow takes her along because anyone who is bitten by valek becomes telepathically linked to him until they themselves turn into vampires a couple days later , and crow is hoping to find him with the help of her . 
it seems valek's mission is to steal a black , wooden cross from a roman catholic church that will enable him to become so powerful that sunlight will not destroy him . 
my question is : how many time have we seen this same story played out ? 
well , the answer is just about as many times as a better version of the story has been made . 
 " john carpenter's vampires , " sadly enough , is one of the most unscary horror films i've ever seen . 
in fact , there isn't even one suspenseful moment in the whole 105-minute running time . 
the non-stop vampire attack sequences are stylelessly filmed , without any interesting camera work , which is usually a trademark of carpenter's . 
and then we come to the screenplay , which , as far as i can tell , is nearly non-existent . 
there is no story development , and there isn't even an attempt to flesh out the characters . 
james woods can be a good actor , but he has nothing to do here but to say a couple of " pseudo " -clever lines of dialogue . 
daniel baldwin has some potential , but his character comes off as being very dense . 
and sheryl lee ( faring much better as laura palmer in " twin peaks " ) , like all of the female characters , plays an offensive stereotypical whore . 
there is not an ounce of intelligence , or excitement in , " john carpenter's vamires , " which is very disheartening coming from an ex-fan of carpenter's . 
he has said that he turned down directing , " halloween : h20 , " because he couldn't work up any excitement for it . 
and yet , when asked about a " vampires " sequel , he said he would be happy to do it . 
i think that's a definite sign that carpenter has finally lost any trace of his lasting talent , not to mention a significant number of iq points .
you've got mail works alot better than it deserves to . 
in order to make the film a success , all they had to do was cast two extremely popular and attractive stars , have them share the screen for about two hours and then collect the profits . 
no real acting was involved and there is not an original or inventive bone in it's body ( it's basically a complete re-shoot of the shop around the corner , only adding a few modern twists ) . 
essentially , it goes against and defies all concepts of good contemporary filmmaking . 
it's overly sentimental and at times terribly mushy , not to mention very manipulative . 
but oh , how enjoyable that manipulation is . 
but there must be something other than the casting and manipulation that makes the movie work as well as it does , because i absolutely hated the previous ryan/hanks teaming , sleepless in seattle . 
it couldn't have been the directing , because both films were helmed by the same woman . 
i haven't quite yet figured out what i liked so much about you've got mail , but then again , is that really important ? 
if you like something so much , why even question it ? 
again , the storyline is as cliched as they come . 
tom hanks plays joe fox , the insanely likeable owner of a discount book chain and meg ryan plays kathleen kelley , the even more insanely likeable proprietor of a family-run children's book shop called , in a nice homage , the shop around the corner . 
fox and kelley soon become bitter rivals because the new fox books store is opening up right across the block from the small business . 
little do they know , they are already in love with each other over the internet , only neither party knows the other person's true identity . 
the rest of the story isn't important because all it does is serve as a mere backdrop for the two stars to share the screen . 
sure , there are some mildly interesting subplots , but they all fail in comparison to the utter cuteness of the main relationship . 
all of this , of course , leads up to the predictable climax . 
but as foreseeable as the ending is , it's so damn cute and well-done that i doubt any movie in the entire year contains a scene the evokes as much pure joy as this part does . 
when ryan discovers the true identity of her online love , i was filled with such , for lack of a better word , happiness that for the first time all year , i actually left the theater smiling .
after bloody clashes and independence won , lumumba refused to pander to the belgians , who continued a condescending and paternalistic relationship with the congo . 
their officers , particularly general janssens ( rudi delhem ) in the force publique , the congo's army , caused rebellions , undermining lumumba , who was outraged at the rape and murder of belgian nationals . 
with unrest building , moise tshombe ( pascal nzonzi ) and the province of katanga , which contained 70 percent of the country's resources , proclaimed secession . 
lumumba replaced janssens , making mobutu a colonel , and went on a pacification 
tour with congolese president joseph kasa vubu ( maka kotto ) , but it was too late . 
'when you want to drown a dog , you say it has rabies , ' prophesies lumumba of his own fate . 
peck and bonitzer do an exemplary job telling a complicated tale with a myriad of players , although they frequently succumb to cliche , particularly regarding lumumba's private life . 
peck's script illuminates bantu sayings like 'the hand that gives , rules' when lumumba uses it with the american ambassador . 
peck's direction is less assured , with many scenes unfortunately playing like standard television fare . 
he's served well , though , by his casting of ebouaney in the title role . 
ebouaney is dynamic , radiating his character's fierce passion for his people and his country . 
lumumba's intelligence and ability to strategize , even as he's cornered by insurmountable odds , are given life by ebouaney . 
peck's subject and lead actor elevate his film above its mediocre production . 
 " lumumba " is a story that deserves to be told and ebouaney's performance makes the tragedy personally felt .
the american action film has been slowly drowning to death in a sea of asian wire-fu copycats . 
it's not a pretty death , and it's leaving the likes of schwartznager , stallone , and van damme wearing cement galoshes at the bottom of a kung fu sea . 
sometimes , the mix results in a mind-blowing spectacle unlike any other . 
quality action with amazing and exciting stunt work , as in 1999's the matrix , can be a real gem . 
but too often hollywood gets it wrong , even when they pay off chinese directors . 
flying ninjas and floating karate masters have been replaced by soaring bronx detectives and slow motion kicking scientists . 
mostly it's laughable . 
in hollywood's rush to emulate the success of the matrix , trademark asian stunt choreography has become more of a joke than an art form . 
but iron monkey , the latest asian import , shows us how to get it right . 
iron monkey ( actually a reissue of a 1993 film ) is the story of a 19th chinese vigilante ( rongguang yu ) , fighting with his own unique style of shaolin kung fu for the rights of the oppressed and the bellies of the hungry . 
but it is also a piece of the narrative of legendary chinese film hero wong fei-hong , most recently seen in one of the most overlooked , and possibly best films of 2000 , drunken master 2 ( released in the u . s . as the legend of drunken master ) . 
unlike drunken master 2 , which stars jackie chan as an adult fei-hong , iron monkey finds a much younger fei-hong ( sze-man tsang ) and his father wong kei-ying ( yen chi dan ) thrust into the middle of iron monkey's fight against oppression . 
iron monkey succeeds as no kung fu film since drunken master 2 . at times , fighting styles , especially that of monkey himself , do devolve into the ridiculous twinkle-toed floating of films like crouching tiger , hidden dragon , director yuen wo ping eventually remembers to bring his action scenes back to earth . 
iron monkey is at its heart a hardcore , kung fu action film rather than any kind of drama a la crouching tiger . 
however , there are brief moments of profoundness shared between characters , such as those that pass between our outlaw hero and his good-hearted but misguided enemy , chief fox . 
in those moments , and in others , iron monkey manages to transcend its mindless kung fu nature to touch the hearts and minds of its audience . 
while in no way the equal of a masterpiece like drunken master 2 , iron monkey dances quite nicely to the invading kung fu tune . 
aka siunin wong fei-hung tsi titmalau .
synopsis : bobby garfield ( yelchin ) lives in a small town with his mirthless widowed mother ( hope davis ) . 
bobby's world revolves around his friends , especially the spritely carol ( boorem ) . 
then one day , a new boarder arrives at bobby's house . 
ted brautigan ( hopkins ) is an enigmatic man to whom bobby takes an immediate liking . 
as the bond between bobby and ted deepens , bobby becomes privy to ted's great secret , an event which will change both of their lives forever . 
review : a small but enchanting movie , " hearts in atlantis " easily recalls another king-inspired coming-of-age film , " stand by me " , both in terms of its setting and the sentiment it conveys . 
 " hearts " is a tribute to the magic of childhood , to those summers when the days seem neverending , and nothing means more than your closest friends . 
unlike " stand by me " , there is a supernatural element to " hearts " , but although it is key to the plot , it is not prominent . 
like " stand by me " , this is a mostly character-driven film , and as such it benefits greatly from superb casting . 
yelchin is very good as bobby , finding a good mix of innocence and resignation . 
more splendid still is boorem , whom i praised highly for her work in " along came a spider " and who is simply radiant here as carol . 
and then there is hopkins , who despite playing such a quiet , introspective character as ted , nonetheless commands our attention every time he is onscreen . 
less successful is davis , whose strident elizabeth comes across as overly cartoonish . 
i also found it odd that bobby and carol's other friend , sully ( whose death as an adult sets up the movie's flashback framing device ) , is paid virtually no attention . 
but hicks' direction is lovely without being cloying , and despite the movie's general lack of incident , it never ceases to weave its spell over the audience .
synopsis : in this movie , steven spielberg , one of today's finest directors , attempts to spice up the 1800s story of a long courtroom battle over the fate of prisoner cinque ( djimon hounsou ) - - a young angry man from sierra leone who was kidnapped into slavery - - and his fellow prisoners . 
cinque and friends have landed a ship on the shores of america after escaping spanish slave traders , but since the americans don't speak cinque's language , the black men are hauled into court to determine whether or not they are legally slaves . 
technically , since the international slave trade was outlawed at that time , people like cinque couldn't be kidnapped into slavery ; one had to be born a slave to be legally considered a slave . 
lawyers baldwin and adams ( matthew mcconaughey and anthony hopkins ) must prove cinque and the others were captured into slavery , rather than born slaves , in order to get them out of prison as free men . 
three lengthy court cases are portrayed with spielberg's trademark panache - - flashy beginning , lots of facial close-ups , big music , and dramatic imagery . 
a final speech by adams is followed by an anticlimax where subtitles show what eventually happened to the various characters . 
opinion : making a fictional movie is easier than making one about real life . 
in fiction , one invents purposeful , clear-cut good guys and bad guys , puts the fictional characters in conflict , and takes the tale to its exciting conclusion . 
real life , however , consists of long stretches of boredom with a few dramatic moments and characters who stand around , think thoughts and do nothing , or come and go before events are resolved . 
spielberg gives us a visually spicy and historically accurate real life story . 
djimon hounsou and anthony hopkins turn in excellent performances .
carry on matron is the last great carry-on film in my opinion . 
made in 1972 , it still features most of the regulars of this genre . 
sid james plays the head of a gang of crooks intent on stealing contraceptive pills from the local maternity hospital and selling them off to make a profit , kenneth williams is sir bernard cutting , head of the hospital but also a hypochondriac , hattie jacques re-takes her role as matron , and charles hawtrey is the psychiatrist dr . goode . 
the jokes come in fast and so do the laughs , with humorous antics between the matron and sir bernard . 
this time , williams is after matron ( jacques ) when he needs to prove himself that he is a man after visiting dr . goode . 
the doctor ( hawtrey ) is sworn to secrecy : - " i assure you , that anything you say to me today will go in one ear and straight out of the other ! " 
bernard thinks he is having a sex change and needs to prove himself . 
there are great cameos from joan sims , an expectant mother who is many weeks overdue and is eating constantly in every scene , and from kenneth connor as the expectant father who still thinks he's at work ( at the railway station ) . 
sid james' gang including cyril his son ( kenneth cope ) try to find out where the pills are by getting cyril to dress up as a nurse and live in at the nurses home . 
he has to share a room with nurse ball ( barbara windsor ) and she soon sees through him ! 
the film ends with the attempted robbery of the hospital's pills with panic ensuing . 
there are good performances by hattie jacques as the matron , however her character seems a little more subdued and quieter than her previous 'matron's' . 
williams is , as usual , on top form , but sid james isn't given a very good part in this movie and i would forgive anyone to forget that he was in the movie at all . 
the same does not go for charles hawtrey , for although he only first appears in the movie after 30 minutes gone and has scarce screen time , he seems to steal every scene he is in . 
by not making use of sid james and barbara windsor's talent to full effect , the film seems to flounder , but it certainly makes up for it with it's good storyline and it's other appealing characters . 
this film is genuinely funny and i could watch it again and again and not get bored !