polsci/sentiment-polarity-dataset-v2.0 huggingface dataset:
you would think that this film's dismal failure would be due to american filmmakers getting hold of a brilliant british comedy and " americanizing " it . 
you'd be wrong , since full blame can be placed on the very folks who wrote and created the series : rowan atkinson , robin driscoll , and richard curtis . 
should you ever happen to meet those chaps , do me a favor . 
grab them by the hair and yell really loudly in their ear , " what were you thinking ? ! 
have you ever heard the phrase 'if it ain't broke don't fix it' ? ! " 
then walk away . 
the film concerns mr . bean ( atkinson ) and his visit to america while escorting the painting of " whistler's mother " to an american buyer ( played by burt reynolds , in the type of bit part that his success in " boogie nights " should hopefully do away with ) . 
now how or why mr . bean is sent on this trip makes no sense , and i can't even describe how the film explains it . 
the point is that mr . bean comes to america and causes wacky trouble . 
problems problems problems , where to begin ? 
first , the score music from the tv show has been completely replaced by score that is either at times one note away from the score from " beetlejuice " or one note away from the score from " rob roy " . 
then , the song choices are totally uninspired . 
 " good vibrations " ? 
 " i love l . a . " ? 
wow , don't put any thought into that guys . 
also , bean makes way too much noise in the film . 
the character doesn't speak much , but in the series you really only heard the laughter of the audience , and maybe the occasional murmur from mr . bean . 
each episode was like a chaplin silent movie . 
in the film , bean is constantly moaning , grunting , whining , etc . it's annoying , and just plain wrong for the character . 
the main problem though is that it's just not funny . 
with each episode of the series there would be dozens of really great laughs crammed into less than 30 minutes . 
multiply that running time by three however , and the laughs steadily decrease . 
they even have the gaul to repeat jokes from the series . 
sad , and creatively lazy . 
as a series , " mr . bean " only ran for about 13 episodes or so . 
why on earth did atkinson and the gang decide it was time to completely rework everything ? 
13 half-hour episodes certainly hadn't exhausted all possible situations . 
all i can say positively for the film at this point is that it's almost appropriate for all ages , if it wasn't for a couple of scenes where it appears as though mr . bean is having sex with things . 
and even that isn't a very positive statement . 
please guys , go back to england and go back to television so you'll make me laugh again . 
[pg-13]
say , tell me if you've seen this before : a crisis on-board a commercial airliner causes a stewardess to have to fly and land the plane herself . 
airport '97 anyone ? 
ray liotta is a psychotic serial killer being transported from new york to california on christmas eve . 
amazingly , on what would seemingly be a busy day of travel on one of the most flown routes , only about six other passengers are on the flight . 
anyway , they take off , liotta escapes and kills all the police and the pilots , and stewardess lauren holly locks herself in the cockpit to fly the plane . 
the story is beyond routine , the script is embarrassing ( at one point , this jumbo jet is flying completely upside down ) , the characters are worthless , and the performances are annoying . 
surprisingly , co-writer steven e . de souza actually wrote the first two " die hard " movies ! 
 " turbulence " takes place at christmas time , yet the film was released a few days after the holidays . 
brilliant marketing , as no one cares about anything having to do with christmas after december 26th . 
the studio knew they had a bomb , and purposely dumped it out when the fewest number of people would see it . 
[r]
i want to be involved in show business one day . 
and i refuse to do any sequels to any movie i may make because i believe they only get worse . 
this movie proves it for me . 
i was a little worried about the last batman film , as i thought joel schumaccer , taking over from tim burton , would screw it up . 
i also assumed val kilmer would screw up as bruce wayne . 
they didn't . 
kilmer did a good job , and the cast was left to carry the movie , which they did ( even jim carrey as the riddler and i can't stand jim carrey ) , because schumaccer messed up the direction with his glitzy gotham and his awkward camera angles . 
this film is different . 
the cast is still impressive , but here , not only does schumaccer mess up with the direction ( he's one of those directors who's good with actors , terrible with camera angles ) , but writer akiva goldsmith doesn't really give an impressive cast anything to do . 
the cast is impressive : clooney is a surprisingly good wayne/batman , o'donnell is a crafty robin as usual , they could've casted somebody better as batgirl ( my friend likes neve campbell ) , but silverstone is not bad , and thurman is a good poison ivy . 
the major problem is schwarzenegger , who is a terrible freeze . 
his accent is so heavy , you can't understand what he says , and the trouble with action stars like him is they cannot act , and they know it , but they figure that if they flex their muscles , say a limited amount of stuff , and kill a bunch of guys , then they figure nobody'll notice . 
that's the trouble with me , * i * notice . 
schwarzenegger does not deserve billing over clooney , or as much money as he got for this , but hollywood thinks he does . 
patrick stewart was the person i'd heard that was considered to play freeze , and he would've been so much better . 
or sean connery , but not arnold " i'm not an actor , but i play one in real life " schwarzenegger . 
i realize that you must be a star to play a major role in a batman film , but it would've been nice if they'd casted a star that had talent for the role . 
akiva goldsmith's screenplay avoids some stuff that happens in a normal batman film . 
in a regular batman film , they'd concentrate on the relationship with the girlfriend a little more , but elle macpherson's julie madison is so limited here that we never get a real sense of who she is . 
there is talk of a fifth batman movie . 
my interest to see it is low , but i hope it's better than this . 
if you don't want to waste your time , rent any of the other batman movies from blockbuster . 
any other .
possibly the years the most anticipated film and finally it arrives here in the uk . 
it smashed u . s box office office records in it's opening weekend and will no doubt do the same here . 
but is it any good ? 
in a word , no . 
i'll elaborate further . 
the story is as follows . 
apparently there were two islands with dinosaurs on . 
one where the dinos lived untouched by mankind and the other a tourist attraction which failed before it even opened . 
 ( see jurrasic park . ) 
imgen , the company that funded jurrasic park , want to reccover their losses by taking more dinos off the other island and move them to a new attraction in san diago . 
realizing what a bad idea this is , proffessor john hammond ( richard attenborough ) decides to send a team to document the dinosaurs , so as to rally public support to preserve the island . 
enter familiar mumbling man jeff goldblum who only agrees to go when told his girlfriend is already there . 
so , basically , what you have is this . 
two teams , one sent to catch and move some dinosaurs to the mainland and the other , trying to document them , being forced to work together , fighting for survival against the dinosaurs' firm intentions on eating them . 
a fairly good idea , however it's let down by one slight problem . 
it's crap . 
over two hours of chase scenes gets way too boring , way too quiclky . 
add to this a terrible script and some feeble attempts at some occasional characterisation and you end up very disinterested . 
it becomes background noise while your mind starts concentrating on things like , 'what's for tea ? ' and 'should you cut the lawn later ? ' 
 ( yes , you should ) . 
it's a shame then really , that spielberg has lowered himself into making what essentially is a blatant cash in , which adds practically nothing to the far superior jurrasic park . 
with only a few creative and genuinely tense scenes and fabulous c . g . i 
dinosaurs ( the t . rex's have to be seen to be believed ) , there is nothing else to recommend the lost world . 
a very dissapointing sequel , indeed .
" holy man " boasts a sweet , gentle , comic performance from an unusually subdued eddie murphy and a few moderately funny skits . 
unfortunately , to get to the good stuff you have to sit through a painfully long set-up , loads of tedious filler , interminable shots of jeff goldblum stammering and twitching , a superfluous romantic subplot and quite possibly the most annoying performance of robert loggia's career . 
if ever a movie screamed " wait for video so you can fast-forward through all the dull and annoying parts , " this is it . 
eddie murphy plays g , a robed nomadic pilgrim wandering the land enjoying the moment and spreading his spiritual message . 
a chance meeting with ricky hayman ( goldblum ) , a stressed-out executive of a home-shopping channel , and kate newell ( kelly preston ) , a no-nonsense media analyst , results in physical injury to g . quicker than you can say " the odd couple , " g ends up rooming with an extremely leery ricky . 
after some script gymnastics , g appears live on the air at the good buy shopping network , wreaking havoc on the cheesy product demonstrations , enraging network owner mr . mcbainbridge ( loggia ) , and becoming a national media sensation . 
 " holy man " attempts to be several things at once . 
it tries to satirize home shopping networks , but it's difficult to effectively make fun of something that is already a self-parody . 
the film attempts to teach us that collecting material possessions is merely a futile attempt to fill the spiritual holes in our hearts , but that's common knowledge already . 
 " holy man " also tries to present a story of redemption , as ricky hayman tries to decide whether to exploit g's good will to achieve financial security or do the right thing at the expense of his career . 
anyone want to place a wager on his final decision ? 
the one genuine asset in " holy man " is eddie murphy , who gives a charming performance , sharing love , good will and relevant advice to all those around him , while beaming his million dollar smile at just the right moments . 
murphy is delightful and the film takes off whenever he's onscreen . 
unfortunately , he's not onscreen enough . 
jeff goldblum gets the lion's share of screen time and his tired storyline weighs the proceedings down . 
as his potential love interest , kelly preston tries to brighten things up , but she transforms from an all-business media shark to an empathic softy far too quickly and the abrupt change reeks of contrivance . 
the other principal actor , robert loggia , wastes his talents in a one-note turn as a ruthless , screaming monster . 
structurally unsound and way too long , " holy man " is appealing when murphy is onscreen and dull when he isn't . 
instead of dropping your money at the theater for this trifle , wait until it hits video and fast-forward past everything except the murphy scenes . 
g suggests that we focus on enjoying the moment and that's the best way to do so .
surrounded by hype , high hopes , and the promise of an over-the-top performance by clueless's brittany murphy , don't say a word looked full of promise . 
hell , when i hear that " i'll never tell " whisper on the tv commercial , goose bumps run up my spine . 
alas , word is filled with little but disappointment , a kooky mix of girl , interrupted and ransom , with michael douglas and company collecting a paycheck to plod through a vapid and dull kidnapping thriller . 
douglas stars as nathan conrad , renowned new york psychologist , devoted father of jessie conrad ( skye mccole bartusiak ) , and loving husband to aggie conrad ( famke janssen ) . 
after a gang of jewel thieves , headed by sean bean's koster , kidnaps his daughter , nathan is forced to extract from his new patient , the catatonic and violent elisabeth burrows ( murphy ) , the location of some hidden bank job booty that her father hid from the koster gang a decade ago . 
but with hard-nosed detective sandra cassidy ( jennifer esposito , doing her best j . lo impression ) tracking down koster and his gang of hoodlums , the stakes are raised as nathan races against the clock to crack the mystery of elisabeth's head in order to get the goods inside . 
the catch - nathan only has until five o'clock to solve the puzzle ! 
whoa , the suspense is almost too much . 
don't say a word loses the audience inside of 15 minutes . 
murphy looks and acts like linda blair from the exorcist during the first part of the movie , then turns around and reprises like her role from girl , interrupted . 
and the only real " crazy " to be found in the film is director gary fleder's ( things to do in denver when you're dead ) staggering use of flashback sequences . 
oliver platt , famke janssen , and even sean bean are decent actors , but the stuff they are given here -- such as a bedridden wife fighting off the token black guy with her crutch -- is insulting and demeaning . 
additionally , the use of the surveillance cameras and laptops to track nathan's every move is downright unbelievable . 
how do ex-cons fresh out of the big house afford all this equipment ? 
despite its flaws , don't say a word is surprisingly some of the best mainstream film you'll find this month -- and audiences will lap it up . 
americans love lukewarm , half-baked thrillers starring big names and accompanied by cheap thrills . 
someone get me my lithium !
some concepts seem patently hopeless from the beginning , a live-action version of mr . 
magoo being a prime example . 
the cartoon figure mr . magoo , the bumbling blind man , can be quite funny , but only in small doses and only within the confines of animated images . 
if you think naked gun star leslie nielsen is a dubious choice to play the role of the short guy who runs into walls , you are right , but there is an even more astonishing selection . 
for a director they tapped hong kong's stanley tong , whose resume consists mainly of a handful of movies featuring martial arts expert jackie chan . 
the story , such that there is one , is about a large , stolen ruby , which looks a woolworth reject . 
mr . magoo gets it and , of course , does not realize he has it . 
mayhem then ensues as the bad and the good guys chase each other with mr . magoo frequently oblivious to the fact that anyone is being chased . 
like home alone 3 but without any class , mr . 
magoo can only be described as painfully bad . 
fifteen minutes of it feels like an eternity . 
the movie's humor is pathetically lame , and the pacing is way off . 
when one is stuck in a theater for an hour and a half watching what claims to be a motion picture , one looks for some solace . 
mr . 
magoo provides only three such moments . 
the movie begins and ends with the classic cartoon version of the character , who exudes his usual charm . 
the only other saving grave in the movie itself is angus , the sweet little bulldog . 
angus demonstrates more genuine emotions and a wider acting range than any of the humans in the picture . 
finally , the ending credits contain outtakes of the movie , which have some of the genuineness and spontaneity that the movie badly lacked . 
rather than attempt to adapt mr . magoo to a non-cartoon movie , nielsen makes the strategic mistake of trying to literally be a human version of the cartoon . 
he has trouble sustaining the squinting eyes and the affected voice , and even when he does it comes off as awkwardly unfunny . 
my wife managed to get some sleep during the movie , but i was not so lucky . 
hopefully , this picture will force producers to think harder about which subjects have promise and which do not . 
mr . magoo runs 1 : 37 . 
it is rated pg for comic violence and would be acceptable for all ages . 
my son jeffrey , age 8 , said he thought the movie was good and really funny , but recommends you not choose it if you want an action movie . 
he said he liked home alone 3 much more . 
his friend maxim , age 9 , said that he thought it was good but very silly and parts did not make sense . 
his other friend nickolas , age 8 , said he'd give the movie * * * 1/2 , but that it was really silly .
breakdown is an moderately entertaining , if underwhelming , thriller . 
kurt russell and kathleen quinlan play couple jeff and amy taylor , taking the scenic route to california through redneck country . 
however , while in the middle of nowhere , their jeep decides to break down , leaving them stranded . 
a friendly truck driver , warren ( walsh ) , offers to give them a lift to town . 
although jeff rejects the offer ( he wants to stay with his car ) , amy agrees , hops into warren's lorry , and promptly disappears . 
jeff wonders where the hell she is , and when he later catches up with warren and warren says he has never seen amy in his life , the plot thickens and jeff goes on a chase to find his wife . 
although comparisons can be made with this film to deliverance ( 1972 ) and the vanishing ( 1993 ) plot wise , the latter two are far superior character and script wise . 
kurt russell is o . k as jeff , although he can seemingly only pull of one expression , which is angry . 
throughout the whole film , he looks angry ( or just pissed off . ) 
quinlan is o . k again , but again she can only pull off one expression , which is looking dorky . 
throughout the whole film , she looks dorky . 
j . t walsh ( who , sadly , recently passed away ) is fine as warren ( who we soon find out is a kidnapper ) although his actual character is pretty weak , and not really menacing enough . 
the supporting cast do their best aswell , with rex linn as a doubting sheriff , and the other kidnappers . 
the story , written by first-timer jonathan mostow ( who also directs ) is o . k , if surprisingly familiar and sometimes extraordinarily stupid . 
some of the things the characters do in this movie is beyond the bounds of idiocy . 
there are some flaws with the plot also , as the characters do the complete opposite to logical ( presumably to keep the story 'exciting' ) and also the fact that the story just isn't strong enough to sustain the audience's attention . 
the picture moves along very slowly also . 
it almost threatens to drop dead . 
the picture does pick up towards the end , but by then it's too late . 
mostow directs the action sequences well enough , however . 
the film doesn't really come to a satisfying conclusion , either . 
the ending tries to be bleak , but just comes off annoying . 
breakdown could of been a far more enjoyable picture had it had a stronger cast and director . 
instead , it just turns out to be merely average . 
a missed opportunity . 
overall rating= review by david wilcock
ugh . that about sums this movie up . 
just , ugh . 
the original godzilla movies are somewhat of a cult classic , and when reviewing the previous films , each film had a certain degree of intelligence . 
and that was the reason they found such an enviable cult following ; in spite of bad special effects , horrible dubbing , and a man in a lizard suit , they maintained a certain degree of . . . how to put this ? . . . 
dignity ? 
not quite the word i'm looking for . 
you understand , right ? 
and in 50 years , godzilla has maintained that degree of 'whatever' . 
leave it to america to screw the whole thing up . 
>from the 'geniuses' that brought us " independece day " , arguably the worst sci-fi movie of all time , to ruin whatever reputation godzilla had . 
while they do bring us eye-popping special effects that will amaze you , they lost what was at the center of all the original godzilla movies -- a storyline . 
summing up the movie is simple . 
heck , i can do it in one sentence : giant lizard attacks a giant city and a bunch of nobodies stop it . 
simple as that . 
matthew broderick stumbles over his lines , and it's hard to picture hank azaria in any role besides his classic dog-walking character on the television show " mad about you " . 
the dialogue seems to be improvized , almost as if there was no rehearsel done at all . 
i can see the scene on the set right now . 
 " all right ! 
we spent all of this money making big special effects , and we've gotta get this movie out by summer or it's going to bomb in our faces . 
so , you actors just say what ever comes to the top of your head , all right ? 
make up something , m'kay ? 
good . 
roll film ! ! " 
the special effects are enough to keep you interested through one viewing , and some of the cinemtography is well-done ( the scene with the black umbrellas comes to mind ) . 
still , an hour into it , you will become antsy , wondering how long they can drag it out . 
and drag it out they do ! ! 
i have to laugh . 
the slogan for the film is , " size does matter " . 
i think they cut this too short . 
it should read , " size does matter . 
acting does not . "
ripe with explosions , mass death and really weird hairdos , tsui hark's " double team " must be the result of a tipsy hollywood power lunch that decided jean-claude van damme needs another notch on his bad movie-bedpost and nba superstar dennis rodman should have an acting career . 
actually , in " double team , " neither's performance is all that bad . 
i've always been the one critic to defend van damme -- he possesses a high charisma level that some genre stars ( namely steven seagal ) never aim for ; it's just that he's never made a movie so exuberantly witty since 1994's " timecop . " 
and rodman . . . 
well , he's pretty much rodman . 
he's extremely colorful , and therefore he pretty much fits his role to a t , even if the role is that of an ex-cia weapons expert . 
it's the story that needs some major work . 
van damme plays counter-terrorist operative jack quinn , who teams up with arms dealer yaz ( rodman ) to rub out deadly gangster stavros ( mickey rourke , all beefy and weird-looking ) in an antwerp amusement park . the job is botched when stavros' son gets killed in the gunfire , and quinn is taken off to an island known as " the colony " -- a think tank for soldiers " too valuable to kill " but " too dangerous to set free . " 
quinn escapes and tries to make it back home to his pregnant wife ( natacha lindinger ) , but stavros is out for revenge and kidnaps her . 
so , what's a kickboxing mercenary to do ? 
quinn looks up yaz and the two travel to rome so they can rescue the woman , kill stavros , save the world and do whatever else the screenplay requires them to do . 
with crazy , often eye-popping camera work by peter pau and rodman's lite brite locks , " double team " should be a mildly enjoyable guilty pleasure . 
but too much tries to happen in each frame , and the result is a movie that leaves you exhausted rather than exhilarated . 
the numerous action scenes are loud and headache-inducing and the frenetic pacing never slows down enough for us to care about what's going on in the movie . 
and much of what's going on is just wacky . 
there's a whole segment devoted to net-surfing monks that i have yet to figure out . 
and the climax finds quinn going head-to-head with a tiger in the roman coliseum while yaz circles them on a motorcycle , trying to avoid running over land mines and hold on to quinn's baby boy ( who's in a bomb equipped basket ) -- all this while stavros watches shirtless from the bleachers . 
did i mention " double team " is strange ? 
when it all comes down , this is just another rarely entertaining formula killathon , albeit one that feels no need to indulge in gratuitous profanity . 
rodman juices things up with his blatantly vibrant screen persona , though , leading up to a stunt where he kicks an opponent between the legs . 
but we didn't need " double team " to tell us he could do that , did we ?
synopsis : a man whose lover , paris , was murdered agrees to test out an experimental virtual reality home unit system . 
the subject escapes from the real world and his current girlfriend , laura , and becomes addicted to virtual reality , which , due to a design flaw in his unit , recreates the dead paris . 
comments : virtual seduction , executive produced by roger corman and lance h . robbins , serves as a cheaply-made precursor to strange days , a far superior film . 
both movies deal with desperate men who have trouble relating to their current lovers because they are ( ab ) using technology to be with former lovers ( in strange days , the technology utilized recorded dreams rather than virtual reality ) . 
interestingly , both films also take place a couple of years from now during the turn of the new millenium , though strange days uses the setting far more effectively . 
this exemplifies the problem with virtual seduction . 
it's not bad for what it is : low-budget science fiction concerning the psychological dangers of virtual reality . 
unfortunately , it's been done before and since in much better films , a fact which ultimately leaves the sci-fi fan bored by this movie . 
virtual seduction has many faults ( one of them is the fact that the video inexplicably has its own trailer before it begins ) . 
the film's script explores the possibilities of virtual reality interestingly at first , but its treatment of the subject matter gets heavy-handed and wooden as the movie progresses . 
many important scenes seem too dark ; the lighting could have been improved significantly . 
the cast , a collection of veteran b-movie actors and sitcom regulars , do only a mediocre job in their roles . 
jeff fahey , of the original lawnmower man , convincingly , though unenergetically , plays the lead character . 
carrie genzel plays paris , the vr lover , but ami dolenz , as the current love interest , seems like a much more interesting and attractive character with a caring personality , which doesn't lend credence to the film's premise . 
meschach taylor , of the once popular designing women sitcom , adequately plays a scientist working on the project , but his performance isn't something to write home about either . 
virtual seduction is one of those harmless movies to which you could do some light manual labor and not mind having it on in the background . 
in other words , one could fold laundry while glancing up at it every now and then , but it's rather boring to just sit and watch . 
the movie is surprisingly not as violent as one expects from b-movies in this genre , but it is still an adult r-rated film due to sexual situations and a suicide attempt . 
this turkey , ultimately , isn't awful , but it's not particularly interesting or unique either . 
don't be seduced into watching this movie unless you've got several loads of laundry and nothing else to watch .
not so long ago , men by the names of peckinpah , ford , leone , and eastwood made westerns . 
real westerns . 
these were some of the best films of the twentieth century . 
those days are gone . 
now we have crap like wild wild west to pass for the western . 
and that record is not improved with the unbearable tale of american outlaws . 
outlaws is yet another re-telling of the jesse james legend , courtesy of b-movie king james g . robinson ( producer of such classics as wrongfully accused and chill factor ) . 
delayed since the spring , this version stars the irish hunka hunka burning love colin farrell ( the best part of schumacher's tigerland ) as the bad-ass jesse james . 
alas , any sense of his character has been left on the ranch , leaving us with only cute chicks like ali larter ( minus the whipped cream ) to watch . 
the spin this time around : fresh from serving as southern militiamen in the civil war , jesse james ( farrell ) , his brother frank ( gabriel macht ) , and his pal cole younger ( scott caan ) lay down their arms and head home to missouri to tend the family farms after the war has ended . 
but trouble is brewing in their small town of liberty when evil railroad baron thaddeus rains ( harris yulin ) and his cronies rollin parker ( terry o'quinn ) and allan pinkerton ( timothy dalton ) demand the boys turn over their lands to the railroads . 
the jameses and the youngers then join forces to fight the railroad -- by robbing banks up and down missouri , thus cutting off the railroad's financial surplus and playing robin hood to the local people . 
along the way , the boys squabble over who's the cutest of the gang , who's the most popular cowboy in the gang , and who ought to go on mtv's total request live . 
they rob numerous banks with identical interiors , always with the kindest of hearts , strutting in their grungy dusters as moby songs play in the background . 
the witty banter they share could be plastered within a hallmark card . 
the biggest disappointment here lies in the acting of colin farrell . 
after a great job in tigerland , farrell walks through this role easier then nicolas cage in gone in 60 seconds . 
and his american accent rivals richard gere's irish accent in the jackal . 
combined with feeling like bonanza : the teen years , this homogenized production ( toned down to get the ever-popular pg-13 rating ) gives us an invincible jesse james that quickly grows tiresome and boring . 
the unbearable villains courtesy of timothy dalton and thaddeus rains spend the entire film proclaiming that everyone should be hanged , sucking out any energy left in the film . 
not to mention : the real story of jesse james and his gang bears no resemblance to the plot of american outlaws . 
instead , the movie is full of old , outrageous tales about the wild west -- tales which went out of style in 5-cent magazines about a century ago .
part buddy comedy , part fish-out-of-water story , part nature tale , meet the deedles is not nearly as interesting as any of those archetypes . 
in fact , it is an invitation you ought to disregard . 
phil and stew deedle ( paul walker and steve van wormer ) are the twin sons of the famous millionaire , elton deedle ( eric braeden ) , founder of deedle enterprises . 
elton wants his sons to be the perfect heirs to his fortune . . . instead 
the two are careless hawaiian surf bums . 
to set them straight , he enrolls them into a strict wyoming boot camp , to which the pair inevitably go . 
after several misadventures in wyoming , where the duo is stunned to discover there's no surf , the brothers deedle stumble upon a routine mistaken identity plot . 
they arrive at yellowstone national park , where they are believed to be two new park ranger recruits . 
rather than slinking back home and disappointing their dad , the deedles play along . 
phil , actually , has other motives : the beautiful park ranger jesse ( a . 
j . langer ) , who unfortunately happens to be the beloved stepdaughter of the overprotective park ranger captain douglas pine ( john ashton ) . 
yellowstone has a problem . 
it's only a week before the famous geyser old faithful celebrates its one billionth birthday , and the park is being overrun with prairie dogs . 
not just one or two . . . thousands of them . 
the deedles are assigned to eliminate the p . dog menace , not knowing that it all is part of a fiendish plan by disgraced former head ranger frank slater ( dennis hopper ) . 
the brothers deedle aren't supposed to be out-and-out stupid , like the team from dumb and dumber , or bill and ted . 
instead , their brains just operate in a different , simpler , realm . 
a more accurate comparison would be with carrot top in chairman of the board , a film which , unfortunately , this one resembles in several hideous ways . 
the central problem with meet the deedles is that it simply just isn't funny . 
there's a moment when phil utters the line , " insert laugh here " , which nearly sums up the entire meet the deedles experience . 
the result isn't bad in a run-shrieking-from-the-theater type of way . 
instead , it's merely bad in an excruciatingly boring sort of way . 
the cast seems decent , but they're never asked to do anything remotely interesting . 
instead , the film inundates the audience with countless shots of people and/or cars rolling downhill in the forest , and with constant annoying references to other disney films . 
you'll have much better luck finding a good spot to surf in wyoming than finding entertainment in meet the deedles .
adam sandler isn't known for appearing in deep , thought-provoking films , but he's still a really funny guy . 
most of his movies are successful not because of the film making behind them , but because they let sandler do what he does best without a stupid plot to drown him out . 
big daddy is the first film in which the story seems more important than sandler's comic performance , and it's a miserable failure . 
sandler plays a thirty-something loser who gets attached to an orphaned young boy ( played by cole and dylan sprouse ) . 
as one might expect from the synopsis , director dennis dugan resorts to the usual bag of manipulative and sentimental sequences , including a repulsive courtroom battle and a lot of teary scenes in which characters say " good-bye " to one another ; in addition , there's a ridiculous amount of disgusting toilet humor ( urine and vomit both get more screen time than sandler himself ) . 
there's a hilarious running joke featuring a female doctor who previously worked at hooters , and the film features passable performances from sandler , joey lauren adams ( as the love interest ) , and the two young boys , but the film on the whole is trite and disappointingly unfunny .
at the end of an action scene in " lara croft : tomb raider , " a wall collapses near the nubile warrior . 
with her face on the floor , she gazes into the rubble , then grins abruptly and says " oh , my car keys ! " 
i mention this scene because it was the only moment in the whole damned production that made me smile . 
based on an incredibly popular video game , " lara croft : tomb raider " is a lousy movie . 
the structure goes like this : poorly-staged action sequence , boring exposition , poorly-staged action sequence , boring exposition , etc . etc . , the end . 
basically , the film exists to showcase angelina jolie's puffy lips and enhanced tits . 
close-ups are framed oh-so-carefully to include her million dollar bazooms . 
running scenes highlight her bouncing breasts in vintage " baywatch " fashion . 
there's even include a shower scene that offers a brief side view of them . 
but the filmmakers are so inept they can't even flash the audience correctly . 
the one extended display of nudity is of - get ready for this - a guy . 
for no particular reason , a muscular supporting character strolls around naked for about 30 seconds , with each shot composed to barely cover his package , ? la " austin powers . " 
now , i enjoy a good looking male body as much as the next gay guy , but what the hell is beefcake doing in a t&a flick aimed at heterosexual males ? 
of course , what else should one expect in a film that does virtually nothing right ? 
 " tomb raider " sets up elaborate action set pieces , then renders them incomprehensible with needless jump cut editing ( a promising dual bungee cord battle is ruined by excessive cuts ) . 
it promises a series of exotic locales , then delivers cavernous sets and grimy matte paintings with smoggy skies . 
throw in some bargain basement computer graphics and you end up with the ugliest movie to come down the pike in many moons . 
intended to be a rousing " indiana jones " style adventure , " tomb raider " lacks any sense of tension . 
the low point comes when lara is " threatened " by statues of monkey warriors and a giant multi-armed shiva figure that come to life courtesy of cgi . 
easily the lamest menaces i have ever seen , the creatures move like snails and fall apart with a single shot from a gun . 
if you ever have to be chased by monsters , pray that you get the monkey warriors . 
 " tomb raider " tells a story , sort of . 
once every 5 , 000 years , the planets align . 
a group of very bad men are out to find two halves of an object that , if reassembled just as the planets align , will give them control over time itself . 
lara's goal is to stop them and rescue her long-missing poppa ( jon voight , jolie's real life dad ) . 
none of this matters though , because stunning gaps in internal logic assure that the plot of " lara croft : tomb raider " is as lame as ever other aspect of the film ? except angelina jolie's lips and breasts .
when robert forster found himself famous again after appearing in " jackie brown " , he immediately signed up for a little film called " american perfekt " . 
this was almost two years ago . 
i waited patiently for the film to be released , but it never was . 
finally , i forgot about it . 
the other day , though , while i was perusing the selection of the local video store , i stumbled upon , you guessed it , " american perfekt " . 
i immediately rented it and with a certain amount of glee , rushed home to view it . 
having now seen the film , i understand why it never saw theatrical release . 
 " american perfekt " is a jumbled mess . 
the storyline is non-existent . 
it took me half the movie just to figure out what was going on . 
and at that point , the only thing i really knew for sure was that the movie was * never * going to introduce a plot of some sort . 
it wants to get by on quirkyness and so-called charm alone , and it just doesn't work . 
robert forster plays a psychiatrist who picks up amanda plummer , and they head off on the road together . 
along the way to no discernable destination , they run into all sorts of kooky and wacky characters . 
i suppose this free-wheeling , no plot style is supposed to give the film an element of danger and excitment , but all it did was make me sleepy . 
i'm all for trying new things within the realm of film , but not at the expense of coherence . 
nothing in this movie makes sense . 
the actions of the characters go unexplained , even when they're truly bizarre . 
i'll give you an example , without giving too much away . 
david thewlis has a part as a drifting con-man . 
at one point , mid-way through the movie , he runs forster and plummer off the road with his car . 
as he passes them , we see that his face is covered in blood . 
do you think we would get an explanation as to what happened to him ? 
you would think so , wouldn't you . 
 " american perfekt " is a waste of time . 
nothing is gained from watching this movie , except maybe a migraine . 
and if you do rent it , don't bother trying to figure out what's going on in the hopes that everything will be resolved by the end . 
this doesn't happen . 
and no explanation is given for the misspelling of " perfect " , either .
you'd think that after awhile hollywood would stop trying to make movies out of video games . 
it hasn't worked so far . 
 " street fighter ? " 
 " super mario brothers ? " 
 " wing commander ? " 
 " mortal kombat ? " 
not a watchable film in the bunch . 
still i held out some hope for " tomb raider . " 
after all , the game's premise is heavily influenced by the indiana jones trilogy and all the mummy movies , so there are cinematic elements imbedded in the concept . 
however , despite the potential of the project , " tomb raider " proves to be yet another bomb . 
the plot is a convoluted accumulation of nonsense probably borrowed from a dozen bad movies . 
there's a once-ever-5000-years alignment of planets coming up , and the illuminati have to find both halves of an ancient triangle that controls time in order to take over the world . 
of course , the ancient folks who divided the triangle buried the halves in tombs on opposite sides of the world . 
our heroine , lady lara croft ( angelina jolie ) , finds the key that opens the tombs in relics that her dead father ( jon voight ) dug up . 
she figures that if she gets the triangle , she can bring her dad back from the dead . 
of course , no one was expecting much of a plot from this movie anyway . 
in both video games and action movies , the plot is just an excuse for the action sequences . 
however , the action in " tomb raider " shows little style or originality . 
there's lots of shooting and some kung fu fightin' , but none of it progresses beyond the level of a cheap direct-to-cable flick . 
the other goofy archeologist flick of the summer , " the mummy returns , " was much better ; it had its flaws , but its action was creative and large-scale . 
since winning her academy award for " girl , interrupted , " jolie hasn't taken any projects that would display her acting talents . 
 " tomb raider " seems to be more interested in displaying her breasts ; so much attention is drawn to them that it's a shame there's no oscar for best performance by a wonderbra . 
while we don't see much of her acting ability ( with the exception of a wonderful upper-crust british accent ) , we do get a hint of jolie's less savory side . 
considering the rumors of incest that hang over jolie and her supposed obsession with death , having lara be obsessed with resurrecting her dead father ( and uninterested in any of the living males around her ) seems a poor choice . 
having jolie's real life father jon voight play the dead dad makes it even creepier . 
i haven't decided what to make of director simon west yet . 
his first feature was the star-studded disaster " con air , " but my opinion of him improved with " the general's daughter , " which was thick with sultry atmosphere . 
now this train wreck . 
i hope he improves again because his next project is the big screen version of the cult tv series " the prisoner . " 
hollywood has already screwed up " the avengers , " and " the prisoner " represents a chance for redemption . 
 ( by the way , speaking of british tv , " red dwarf " fans should look for chris " rimmer " barrie in his first major film role ) .
the last of vampire-films offers plenty of blood and gore , but beyond that - nothing . 
jack crow ( james woods ) is a professional vampire slayer that is secretly working for the vatican . 
his and his men's mission is to clean the earth from vampires . 
they have lost count of how many vampires they have slaughtered , but one has always escaped them . 
valek ( thomas ian griffith ) - the dark messias and ruler of the undead that is older than time itself . 
for all eternity the vampires have searched for their salvation - the black cross . 
with the cross in their possesion , the vampires will be able to walk in the sunlight . 
after that it is either the humans or the vampires who will dominate the earth . . . 
i have never liked john carpenter and his style . 
after seeing this film , my opinions have not changed . 
john carpenter remains john carpenter . 
however , because of the film's self-irony , black humour and fascinating cinematography , i would say that it is his greatest achievement in a long , long time . 
neither the synopses or carpenter's direction are original . 
but there are some things that are interesting . 
the director's negative view on the catholic church , for instance . 
at the end of the film it becomes clear that cardinal alba ( maximilian schell ) has simply used crow and his team to find valek , so that he would gain eternal life . 
otherwise the catholic priests are shown cool - drinking , smoking and breaking the rool of celibacy . 
carpenter has created an interesting atmosphere . 
set in new mexican dessert , he switches between bright golden sunrises and bloody sundowns , symbolically illustrating the good and the evil through light and darkness . 
more than anything in this film , this simple illustration shows the battle between good and evil . 
the cinematography by gary b . kibbe is probably the film's greatest achievement . 
music ( composed by john carpenter himself ) is at times effective , the special effects and makeup are likewise worth a notice . 
when it comes to the cast ( in an intellectual film like this casting is the last problem ; everyone can scream and swing the axe ! ) , but here james woods is suprisingly convincing . 
he is macho and cool as the dedicated hunter , who lost his family to the " breed of evil " . 
woods is constantly overacting , which really saves the film from falling into the trap of serious self importance . 
daniel baldwin is also entertaining as crow's loyal partner . 
the other cast members are struggling . 
because the film doesn't take itself too seriously , it stays afloat . 
still it is like most vampire-films - a mediocre experience .
can a horror movie truly be called a horror movie if it has no scares , suspense , or even eerie elements ? 
i think not , but that's what children of the corn 666 : issac's return wants us to believe . 
the sixth installment in the horrible , worn out series is by far the worst to date . 
unlike the other five chapters , children of the corn 666 is a confusing , brainless thriller that takes the psychological horror route rather than slasher horror , but either way , none of these movies are the least bit scary . 
the film follows hannah ( natalie ramsey ) a teen looking for her mother in gatlin , nebraska , on the eve of her 21st birthday . 
what starts out as a daughter in desperate search of her long lost mother turns into the story of hannah being the first daughter of the children of the corn , who roam the cornfields looking for adults to murder . 
that's about all that's understandable in the film , as after we learn this much , issac ( john franklin ) who led the children of the corn in a previous chapter , now an older , strange man , is looking for hannah to fulfill his prophecy . 
and this is supposed to make sense . 
really . 
from the start the film is unclear of where its going , not developing any characters or throwing any concrete plot details across the table , constantly introducing new characters without personalities or the slightest hint of an individuality , and sub plots that have nothing to do with what seems to the main focus of the film . 
the film runs at a short 78 minutes , but it seems to be more in the vicinity of two hours , as the bleak , slow pacing makes children of the corn 666 : issac's return excruciatingly boring . 
plot holes are everywhere in tim sulka and john franklin's unbelievably horrible script , as nothing is accomplished or clear when the film reaches its conclusion . 
everyone and everything involved with children of the corn 666 : issac's return , namely writers john franklin and tim sulka , along with director kari skogland , should crawl under a rock , and hope no one sees their horrible work of trash . 
the bottom line : horrible , horrible , horrible . 
another attempt to revive this worn out genre falls flat . 
and what's with that title ? 
the devil has nothing to do whatsoever with this film . 
let's pray that this is the finale in one of the worst current film series . 
one of the worst horror films in years .