the happy bastard's quick movie review 
wild wild west 
a better name for this movie might've been " wild wild waste " . 
warner bros . , in an attempt to get their own men in black style of movie , had managed to lasso in some big names ( actor will smith and director barry sonnenfeld , the duo behind mib's success ) in order to get their own fourth of july blockbuster , a contemporary big-screen update to the classic western/sci-fi series the wild wild west starring robert conrad . 
but somehow , they ran into a problem along the way . 
they were so busy trying to fill specific roles that they forgot one in general that would've made all the difference- a story writer . 
wild wild west's story and script was compiled by six different people , rather than just the one who put the brilliant touches on men in black , ed solomon . 
if warner bros . had gotten him , the movie would've possibly been five times better than what it is . 
heck , ten times . 
as is , however , the story and screenplay is a mess , filled with dead laughs , enough racist and sex jokes to make even will cringe as he's performing them , and a complete lack of chemistry that made the tv show work so well . 
here's the story : us army member james west ( will smith ) teams up with creative genius artemus gordon ( kevin kline ) to take on a ruthless villain by the name of arliss loveless ( kenneth branagh ) , whose lower half was blown off during the civil war , leaving him to roll around in a steam-controlled wheelchair . 
they catch onto a plot of his involving a superweapon that can basically be considered an 80-foot tarantula ( although it looks bigger than that ) , hellbent on destroying anything in its path . 
as i said , the way the script unfolds is a complete mess . 
but the acting doesn't help either . 
kevin kline is miserable as gordon , failing to display even a smidgeon of care as he did in the 1985 western silverado . 
smith seems to be having a better time as west , although he's not nearly as charming as he was in mib . 
branagh goes excessively over the top as the villain , perhaps to the point where we can't even stand to look at him or his strange beard . 
and salma hayek is along for the ride to search for her missing father , but mostly she exists just for sexual attention . 
her acting is barely passable , but what a " breath of fresh ass " . 
director barry sonnenfeld isn't of great help either . 
even though he shows some good creativity at some points , his overall urgency for directing is lost . 
it's as if he feels he's directing a tv movie , a big no-no when you're helming what's supposed to be a big-screen hit . 
last but not least , there are huge gaps of logic that are just plain unacceptable . 
at one point , smith defies gravity when first boarding kline's train . 
he jumps on the back , gets launched straight up in the air , and somehow manages to land three cars ahead on the train- while it's still in motion ! 
also , he seems to be strangely comfortable talking about racism in front of a lynch mob , particularly considering the fact that his family was killed by the likes of such folks . 
last but not least , why is he still making kissing faces when he knows he's not kissing a woman as he's looking through a peephole at the enemy ? ! 
the only saving grace for wild wild west come mostly in the form of special effects . 
the huge mechanical spider is a technical marvel , very authentic looking and considerable to the creativity of the show . 
there's also a good sequence involving metal magnet neckbraces and spinning saw blades , but , again , a logic question comes into play regarding their polarity . 
i would say sit back and have a good time with wild wild west , but it really isn't possible . 
if the racist and sex jokes don't bother you , the performances will . 
if the performances don't bother you , the story will . 
if the story doesn't bother you , the racist and sex jokes will . 
there's no end to the vicious circle . 
go rent men in black instead and pretend smith and tommy lee jones are wearing cowboy hats . 
you'll have a better time . 
if you do go , keep an eye out for robert conrad in a role as president grant . 
i bet he wishes he were somewhere else . . .