the last line ( or near to that honor ) is the great butler , alfred ( the ubergod , michael gough ) saying , " i think we need a bigger bat cave , " or something to that note . 
that's exactly what this film is - too big for its own good because it has too damn much . 
cut batgirl out . 
cut one of the villains . 
it's too much to handle in one dosage . 
it's so much that characters get left behind . 
poor elle gets a mere 3 scenes and a subplot which is introduced but never finished in any way , shape or form . 
and elle deserves better . 
this is the fourth in the gigantic film series and the second from director joel schumacher . 
it's also the fourth worst in the series ( and second worst from joel ) . 
the series has been declining since its stunning debut , followed by the almost-as-stunning sequel and then the anti-climactic third one ( first by joel ) . 
this one's not anti-climactic - i knew it was gonna suck . 
it's up to joel to make it fun though . 
 " batman forever " was fun . 
this is a big bore of over-produced action sequences and shallow characters . 
i mean , this one bit . 
i'm gonna put all the plot in one paragraph : mr . freeze ( ah-nold ) , who's wife was dying of some disease , has become the new big villain these days . 
he's a huge ex-scientist who fell into some weird liquid ( hello ? 
joker ? ) and now has a body temperature of a big fat zero and has a blue body . 
batman ( george ) and robin ( chris ) fight him a bit but find they're growing apart . 
meanwhile , another villain shows up , poison ivy ( uma ! ) , who was a dorky scientist chick working on flowers in south america with a twistet scientist ( john glover ) who kills her when she finds out he's used her research to develop an uberman , bane , who is basically a man pumped with chemicals which probably killed any personality he ever had . 
she emerges from her chemicals ( don't ask 'cause i can't tell ya ) as a sexy woman ( the real uma ) who's poison when or if you kiss her and has some aphrodiasiatic scent she blows at people . 
she starts to tear away at the dynamic duo . 
meanwhile , alfred's dying of the same disease mr . freeze's wife has ( but in an earlier state than she ) , and his niece , barbara ( alicia ) , comes all the way from oxford without an english accent to get him away from the butler trade , but soon ( well , not really soon , it takes her 2 hours ) becomes batgirl . 
meanwhile , in an unfinished subplot , bruce ( batman's alter-ego , if you forgot ) has been dating the lovely julie madison ( the even lovlier elle macpherson ) who wants a commitment after a year but he says nothing . 
end of her for all we know . 
mr . freeze ultimately teams with poison ivy and they want to freeze the world and then take it over growing new plants as their population ( don't ask ! ! ! ) . 
the trio must team together " as family " to beat them . 
there ya go . 
not the whole story but no big context clues . 
too much , right ? 
right ! 
the films seems patched together of nice little ideas which would have made for a couple good sequels . 
however , while tim burton nicely balanced the villain/batman storyline ( although not wonderfully ) , joel seems to do almost nothing with batman in this one . 
he gets some corny speeches , a couple clever lines and that's it . 
maybe some stunts . 
for all this , i can't even comment on george clooney as batman - i hardly saw the guy ! 
and when i did , he had horrible dialogue to say . 
i think michael keaton is the quintessential batman but val kilmer was too robotic and fake as batman in the last episode . 
george is in between them . 
he's not quintessential , he's not horrible , he's good . 
but i'm sure next time when they decide to renovate the series since they'll be critically murdered for this sorry effort , we'll get a good script and clooney will shine ( if he still has the job ) . 
the villains are the only interesting part of the series according to schumacher . 
last time , we had the brawn of two face as played by tommy lee jones and the brains/comedy supplied by the riddler as realized by jim carrey . 
this time we have a somewhat sympathetic and somewhat hatable villain ( the same guy ) , mr . freeze . 
we feel bad for his mental/physical collapse but does he really need to kill everyone for plants ? 
arnold isn't very good - too hokey but kinda sympathetic at some points . 
when he watches old movies of his wife , he actually looks somber . 
wow . 
but uma makes the most of her seductive character , getting the right point between hamminess and seductiveness . 
it's like she's almost parodying herself in " pulp fiction " at points . 
she's incredibly hot and makes the movie pretty much a star better . 
as for the lower bat-people , chris is the same as he was in " batman forever , " although i think his work in these is too hokey when he's best at quieter parts in " scent of a woman " or just plain cool parts in " fried green tomotoes . " 
alicia - i love the girl but she's not particularly good in this film . 
she can hypotheitically act , we all saw that in " clueless , " but her lines kinda sound weird . 
and it isn't the mushy-mouth this time . 
but in all fairness , she has virtually no part . 
joel gets around to her occasionally and when she's on , she does stupid stuff . . . although 
i know i'm not the only one who loved the catfight between her and uma . . . 
and poor elle . 
poor , poor elle . 
i love that woman and she can also hypothetically act ( for those of us who saw " sirens " ) . 
but she has no part ! ! ! 
it seems like joel had so much footage that he had to edit almost an hour out of the final product . 
there are no " couch " scenes ( like my best friend noticed ) . 
now listen to me on this one - in every " batman " flick , there's a couch scene . 
in the original , it was with vicki . 
in " returns , " it was a good make-out scene with selena . 
and in the last one , it was a chat with nicole . 
this one , it's nothing . 
and batgirl does next-to-nothing in this film till the end when she's suddenly " part of the family . " 
fortunately , we get a lot of alfred . 
he's the always reliable butler , in case you didn't know , who has been with bruce all his life . 
he's a god . 
he's a father figure . 
he's also dying . 
this got to me . 
i love alfred almost as much as bruce and to see him in a robe , not in his tux , and freaking dying just gets to me . 
we also get the idea that he might have been unhappy the whole time . . . but 
this is never answered , as this film is too cluttered . 
but in defense , it does have some good parts , other than uma . 
for one , george is a good batman but unfortunately gets nothing to do . 
and there are some nice touches . 
when they show the asylum at one point , they show the patient's belongings in a room and we see the riddler's costume . 
i laughed . 
and during a biker scene ( involving robin and batgirl - another subplot never handled past initiation period ) , we not only see coolio but a bunch of bad-asses dressed as " droogs " from " a clockwork orange . " 
i laughed at all these . 
the film falls apart around the five-minute mark during an enormously long action sequence which must last around 20 minutes . . . or 
did it just feel like that ? 
the film should serve as another in the long-line of films which demonstrate that we need more intelligent films nowadays . 
people are fed up with stupid films . 
that's why the word of mouth killed " the lost world ! " 
that's why last year , indy films grossed more than ever . 
that's why this will have a strong box-office initative from people who just want to see it , like me , but will die after a week or two when the word around the grapevine kills it . 
that's why the next two big-budget aciton pics are john woo's " face/off " and barry sonnenfeld's " men in black , " both which are the first two to catch on to the wave early on . 
i like joel schumacher more as a person than an artiste . 
i like some of his films ( " flatliners , " " a time to kill " ) but a lot of them suck . 
he's a really eccentric person and i loved one of his quotes about how he admits to being a mediocre director and that's what makes him great . 
but his costuming for woody allen's " sleeper " was more interesting than this one ( and his costuming was cool - look for the nazi number ) . 
i love the " batman " series . 
the first two rocked and i did like the last one . 
but this one is not going to be one that i watch repeatedly like the other three . 
hopefully , this will also serve as a springboard to a better batman next time . 
and maybe they'll get smart and bring back catwoman . 
and michael keaton . 
but we can only hope .