Bystanders were horrified. But my son has autism and I was desperate.
Zack
year - old autistic son overcome his intense fear of indoor spaces might not have been right or even safe . Doctors didn ’ t recommend it . The people who witnessed it were appalled   understandably . I don ’ t suggest this for others . I could have been more patient with conventional methods   but I wasn ’ t . I am not certified in restraining children   though doctors say anyone attempting what I did should be . They would also recommend a much slower approach . I am writing this because I hope to educate people about the burden families face when their autistic children have tantrums in public spaces   so next time you witness such a struggle you don ’ t immediately resort to blaming the parents . I ’ m also reaching out to fellow parents in pain to remind them to cast off shame   because I believe nothing is more important than getting your autistic children out into the world . It was a desperate time . Nothing else had worked for Zack — flashcards   photos   play therapy . gradual exposure to feared indoor spaces . That is how   very much against his will   I ended up physically dragging Zack into Verizon Center ( now Capital One Arena ) one day 10 years ago to see his favorite character   Elmo   perform as part of a “ Sesame Street Live !” show . There is nothing anyone could have said that would have convinced me my son was anything other than precious and worthy of the extreme measures I intended to take to save him from a life entrapped by autistic phobias . My mind - set that day : If I can get him through this without either of us getting physically hurt   his fear of this place will be behind him for good . He will reset his association with this arena   and it will no longer be frightening . I believe this deeply   but getting him over the hurdle is terrifying . [‘ I have this thing called autism ’: A boy ’ s eloquent message to his fourth - grade classmates ] We enter Verizon Center   and the moment the exterior door closes behind us    Zack  reels back and plunges toward it   trying frantically to get back outside . At 50 pounds    his  furious strength is a troubling match for mine .  He  is a thoroughbred of resistance . My usually buoyant child is slamming  his  fists and clawing at the metal door ’ s push bar . I quickly seize  him  by the shoulders and pry  his  fingers from the bar as  he  jerks  his  head back in a sudden motion .  His  skull smashes into my chin   and I taste the metallic taint of my own blood . I give up trying to pry  his  fingers away   wrap both arms tightly around  his  torso and yank  him  back fiercely . We both tumble to the floor .  Zack  momentarily escapes my grip and scrambles back toward the door   but I leap on top of  him    pinning  his  entire body flat to the ground . We are still in the vestibule . This was a mistake   too ambitious   I think to myself . Everything is happening too quickly . Breathlessly   I pivot myself to secure Zack ’ s entire body between my thighs as I clamp down tightly and interlock my feet to prevent him from breaking free . Zack is shrieking at an alarmingly high pitch   but I keep heaving and dragging us both   inch by dreadful inch   closer to the show ’ s main entrance area   which we are separated from by a red curtain . I can hear voices around us . Your kid obviously doesn ’ t want to go to the show !” An icy shock sprints down my back   and I reflexively arch and look around wildly . Someone has just thrown their soda at me . No   I ’ m not giving up . Suddenly   I feel an imaginary cloak descend and slowly envelop me . These are the moments I ’ ve been dreading   but also building toward   and I don this invisible armor   now impervious to ridicule because I don ’ t care what anyone thinks . My singular focus is getting  Zack  where  he  needs to be : inside the main area   looking at Elmo . The show has already begun inside   and I know Elmo is on the stage . Okay   get in his head now   talk back to his thoughts . “  Zack    you are doing it ! I know you ’ re afraid   but all you have to do is stay here   you ’ re already doing it   you ’ ve already won . Just stay and watch   sit and watch   that ’ s it . You ’ re doing it . You did it !” A simple and repetitive mantra to penetrate the panic and break through the force field . In a now recovered and controlled voice   I loudly announce   “ My son has autism and he ’ s terrified . I ’ m working with him to get his fears under control .” A manager strides toward us   summoned to calm the explosive scene . “ Miss   I ’ m afraid this is too disruptive to the other patrons to let this continue   you ’ ll have to leave .” No response . “ Miss   you are creating a public disturbance   and I need to escort you and your child out of the auditorium right now .” “ No  ” I respond calmly without looking up . “ I ’ m not going anywhere . I ’ m a paying customer too   and I have a right to be here   and so does my autistic son .” Suddenly   from the far reaches of my mind   the legal jargon jettisons to the surface . What was that ADA language about the right of disabled people to access public facilities ? That they have a right not be discriminated against because of their disability   a right to reasonable accommodations to access public venues . My son is not legally required to enter the auditorium quietly . He ’ s allowed to enter on his own disabled terms . I am his reasonable accommodation .  Zack  will ride in on me . Okay   one more push forward with  Zack  squeezed between my legs   and that curtain that separates the hallway where we are and the seated auditorium is within arm ’ s reach . Once the curtain is pulled back    he  will see all the children in their seats   and  he  will see Elmo on the stage . But I am on the floor and I can ’ t reach the curtain . I quickly gesture with my hand to the woman guarding the entrance to please pull back that curtain so my son can finally see inside and glimpse the purpose behind the long   bitter altercation . I need her to act quickly . She tries a few times to reach my son with chirpy words that fall on deaf ears . “ LADY   he ’ s got AUTISM   please just pull back the curtain !” I hiss . She wordlessly pulls back the plush red velvet in a single swoop to reveal a bright - red   singing caricature on a large stage   clearly visible even from our long distance . I quickly point  Zack  in  his  direction and exclaim   “ There ’ s ELMO ! Look    Zack    it ’ s Elmo !” Zack ’ s eyes catch hold of Elmo   and suddenly he ’ s too stunned to scream or speak   his hysteria abruptly interrupted by the sight of a familiar friend . Transfixed by the furry creature    Zack  sits still and stares intently . I quickly move to slide  him  further along the floor   closer to the cushioned seats . The rigidness in Zack ’ s body gives way as  he  relaxes   a literal crossover to the other side .  Zack  is as smooth and malleable as liquid as  he  sits upright   almost unaware of  his  own physical existence and wholly locked in on Elmo . I calmly walk  him  to  his  seat . The past and future are of no consequence ; for  him    there is only the present . As I gaze around the auditorium    Zack  is indistinguishable from  his  peers . In these precious moments I can savor the reality that  Zack  has succeeded in the greatest challenge of  his  life — overriding  his  intense phobia of indoor spaces — long enough to access something beloved . It took 36 minutes and 45 seconds . And   yes   it was worth it . [‘ I ’ m more awesomer ’: How kids with facial differences are reacting to the movie ‘ Wonder ’] It was the first in a series of exposures to crowded public places for  Zack  and me .  His  transition at the Verizon Center allowed  him  to enjoy the Elmo show   and also return repeatedly to that auditorium without fear   because  he  replaced  his  previous negative association with a positive one . For  Zack    the gradual exposure approach was not effective . What worked for  him  was a single   traumatic episode in which  he  could grasp the purpose of the exposure and feel good about it . I spoke with  his  doctor afterward   and  he  confirmed that by refusing to allow Zack to escape the place  he  feared   I broke the pattern of negative reinforcement and allowed  him  to “ reset the record .” I also learned that   as a last resort   in a controlled way and only after years of therapy   a licensed behavioral clinician might have physically restrained  Zack  to force  him  to confront  his  fears   had  he  not responded to more gradual methods . In the past   when I ’ d retreated home with  him  during a tantrum   I was unintentionally reinforcing  his  phobia . But the doctor made it clear to  me  he would not recommend this method for any child unless all other methods had been exhausted   and the child was able to handle it without causing harm to himself or others . For us   the Elmo success paved the way for outings to other indoor places he feared — Disney World   movie theaters   airplanes   the Baltimore Aquarium . Each exposure required less time for him to acclimate . We found that while  Zack  was initially confused and frightened    he  always adjusted . Over time    he  became less fearful of all indoor places .  He  also gained self - esteem once  he  realized  he  was conquering  his  fears and accessing more of the world . And in possibly  his  biggest win    his  overall demeanor became as calm and predictable as  his  perception of life itself . Ellenby is a lawyer   writer and mother based in Montgomery County . This piece was adapted from her upcoming book   “ Autism Uncensored : Pulling Back the Curtain  ” which details her struggles and triumphs with her son ’ s autism . Read more : Lucas was just named 2018 Gerber baby . For children with autism   haircuts can be traumatic . Here ’ s how one barber changed that . ‘ I ’ m finally a weather girl ’: Woman with Down syndrome fulfills a lifelong dream
year - old autistic son overcome his intense fear of indoor spaces might not have been right or even safe . Doctors didn ’ t recommend it . The people who witnessed it were appalled   understandably . I don ’ t suggest this for others . I could have been more patient with conventional methods   but I wasn ’ t . I am not certified in restraining children   though doctors say anyone attempting what I did should be . They would also recommend a much slower approach . I am writing this because I hope to educate people about the burden families face when their autistic children have tantrums in public spaces   so next time you witness such a struggle you don ’ t immediately resort to blaming the parents . I ’ m also reaching out to fellow parents in pain to remind them to cast off shame   because I believe nothing is more important than getting your autistic children out into the world . It was a desperate time . Nothing else had worked for Zack — flashcards   photos   play therapy . gradual exposure to feared indoor spaces . That is how   very much against his will   I ended up physically dragging [TGT] into Verizon Center ( now Capital One Arena ) one day 10 years ago to see [TGT] favorite character   Elmo   perform as part of a “ Sesame Street Live !” show . There is nothing anyone could have said that would have convinced me my son was anything other than precious and worthy of the extreme measures I intended to take to save him from a life entrapped by autistic phobias . My mind - set that day : If I can get him through this without either of us getting physically hurt   his fear of this place will be behind him for good . He will reset his association with this arena   and it will no longer be frightening . I believe this deeply   but getting him over the hurdle is terrifying . [‘ I have this thing called autism ’: A boy ’ s eloquent message to his fourth - grade classmates ] We enter Verizon Center   and the moment the exterior door closes behind us    [TGT]reels back and plunges toward it   trying frantically to get back outside . At 50 pounds    [TGT]  furious strength is a troubling match for mine .  [TGT]  is a thoroughbred of resistance . My usually buoyant child is slamming  his  fists and clawing at the metal door ’ s push bar . I quickly seize  him  by the shoulders and pry  his  fingers from the bar as  he  jerks  his  head back in a sudden motion .  His  skull smashes into my chin   and I taste the metallic taint of my own blood . I give up trying to pry  his  fingers away   wrap both arms tightly around  his  torso and yank  him  back fiercely . We both tumble to the floor .  [TGT]momentarily escapes my grip and scrambles back toward the door   but I leap on top of  [TGT]    pinning  [TGT]  entire body flat to the ground . We are still in the vestibule . This was a mistake   too ambitious   I think to myself . Everything is happening too quickly . Breathlessly   I pivot myself to secure [TGT] ’ s entire body between my thighs as I clamp down tightly and interlock my feet to prevent [TGT] from breaking free . [TGT] is shrieking at an alarmingly high pitch   but I keep heaving and dragging us both   inch by dreadful inch   closer to the show ’ s main entrance area   which we are separated from by a red curtain . I can hear voices around us . Your kid obviously doesn ’ t want to go to the show !” An icy shock sprints down my back   and I reflexively arch and look around wildly . Someone has just thrown their soda at me . No   I ’ m not giving up . Suddenly   I feel an imaginary cloak descend and slowly envelop me . These are the moments I ’ ve been dreading   but also building toward   and I don this invisible armor   now impervious to ridicule because I don ’ t care what anyone thinks . My singular focus is getting  [TGT] . The show has already begun inside   and I know Elmo is on the stage . Okay   get in his head now   talk back to his thoughts . “  [TGT]you are doing it ! I know you ’ re afraid   but all you have to do is stay here   you ’ re already doing it   you ’ ve already won . Just stay and watch   sit and watch   that ’ s it . You ’ re doing it . You did it !” A simple and repetitive mantra to penetrate the panic and break through the force field . In a now recovered and controlled voice   I loudly announce   “ My son has autism and he ’ s terrified . I ’ m working with him to get his fears under control .” A manager strides toward us   summoned to calm the explosive scene . “ Miss   I ’ m afraid this is too disruptive to the other patrons to let this continue   you ’ ll have to leave .” No response . “ Miss   you are creating a public disturbance   and I need to escort you and your child out of the auditorium right now .” “ No  ” I respond calmly without looking up . “ I ’ m not going anywhere . I ’ m a paying customer too   and I have a right to be here   and so does my autistic son .” Suddenly   from the far reaches of my mind   the legal jargon jettisons to the surface . What was that ADA language about the right of disabled people to access public facilities ? That they have a right not be discriminated against because of their disability   a right to reasonable accommodations to access public venues . My son is not legally required to enter the auditorium quietly . He ’ s allowed to enter on his own disabled terms . I am his reasonable accommodation .  [TGT]will ride in on me . Okay   one more push forward with  [TGT]squeezed between my legs   and that curtain that separates the hallway where we are and the seated auditorium is within arm ’ s reach . Once the curtain is pulled back    [TGT]  will see all the children in their seats   and  [TGT]  will see Elmo on the stage . But I am on the floor and I can ’ t reach the curtain . I quickly gesture with my hand to the woman guarding the entrance to please pull back that curtain so my son can finally see inside and glimpse the purpose behind the long   bitter altercation . I need her to act quickly . She tries a few times to reach my son with chirpy words that fall on deaf ears . “ LADY   he ’ s got AUTISM   please just pull back the curtain !” I hiss . She wordlessly pulls back the plush red velvet in a single swoop to reveal a bright - red   singing caricature on a large stage   clearly visible even from our long distance . I quickly point  Zack  in  his  direction and exclaim   “ There ’ s ELMO ! Look    [TGT]it ’ s Elmo !” [TGT] s eyes catch hold of Elmo   and suddenly [TGT] ’ s too stunned to scream or speak   [TGT] hysteria abruptly interrupted by the sight of a familiar friend . Transfixed by the furry creature    [TGT]sits still and stares intently . I quickly move to slide  [TGT]  further along the floor   closer to the cushioned seats . [TGT] gives way as  [TGT]  relaxes   a literal crossover to the other side .  [TGT]is as smooth and malleable as liquid as  [TGT]  sits upright   almost unaware of  [TGT]  own physical existence and wholly locked in on Elmo . I calmly walk  [TGT]  to  [TGT]  seat . The past and future are of no consequence ; for  him    there is only the present . As I gaze around [TGT]is indistinguishable from  his  peers . In these precious moments I can savor the reality that  [TGT]has succeeded in the greatest challenge of  [TGT]  life — overriding  [TGT]  intense phobia of indoor spaces — long enough to access something beloved . It took 36 minutes and 45 seconds . And   yes   it was worth it . [‘ I ’ m more awesomer ’: How kids with facial differences are reacting to the movie ‘ Wonder ’] It was the first in a series of exposures to crowded public places for  Zack  and me .  His  transition at the Verizon Center allowed  him  to enjoy the Elmo show   and also return repeatedly to [TGT] without fear   because  he  replaced  his  previous negative association with a positive one . For [TGT]the gradual exposure approach was not effective . What worked for  [TGT]  was a single   traumatic episode in which  [TGT]  could grasp the purpose of the exposure and feel good about it . I spoke with  his  doctor afterward   and  he  confirmed that by refusing to allow [TGT] to escape the place  he  feared   I broke the pattern of negative reinforcement and allowed  him  to “ reset the record .” I also learned that   as a last resort   in a controlled way and only after years of therapy   a licensed behavioral clinician might have physically restrained  Zack  to force  him  to confront  his  fears   had  he  not responded to more gradual methods . In the past   when I ’ d retreated home with  him  during a tantrum   I was unintentionally reinforcing  his  phobia . But the doctor made it clear to  me  he would not recommend this method for any child unless all other methods had been exhausted   and the child was able to handle it without causing harm to himself or others . For us   the Elmo success paved the way for outings to other indoor places he feared — Disney World   movie theaters   airplanes   the Baltimore Aquarium . Each exposure required less time for him to acclimate . We found that while  [TGT]was initially confused and frightened    he  always adjusted . Over time    he  became less fearful of all indoor places .  He  also gained self - esteem once  he  realized  he  was conquering  his  fears and accessing more of the world . And in possibly  his  biggest win    his  overall demeanor became as calm and predictable as  his  perception of life itself . Ellenby is a lawyer   writer and mother based in Montgomery County . This piece was adapted from her upcoming book   “ Autism Uncensored : Pulling Back the Curtain  ” which details her struggles and triumphs with her son ’ s autism . Read more : Lucas was just named 2018 Gerber baby . For children with autism   haircuts can be traumatic . Here ’ s how one barber changed that . ‘ I ’ m finally a weather girl ’: Woman with Down syndrome fulfills a lifelong dream