user: IN: Carolyn Hax: When grief stands in the way of cherishing time with loved one
Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: My dear younger sister has a fatal condition, a 50 percent chance to be alive in one year and a 99 percent chance to be dead within five. She still has a realistic, positive, great attitude.

Carolyn Hax started her advice column in 1997, after five years as a copy editor and news editor in Style and none as a therapist. The column includes cartoons by "relationship cartoonist" Nick Galifianakis -- Carolyn's ex-husband -- and appears in over 200 newspapers.

Me, I’m a puddle of tears. Please help me get through my remaining time with her and actually enjoy it, instead of crying. On one hand I want my “pre-grief” to last a long time, which would mean my sister is still alive; on the other hand, it’s *killing* me. (She would laugh and say, “No, it’s killing me!”)

After she passes, I can give my grief all the time it will need, but right now, I want to put my ”pre-grief” aside. I am impatient to get around this and back to enjoying my time with her.

Your impatience “to get around this” implies that grief is an obstacle in your path to be removed. It’s not. It is your path now, one that will feel overwhelming and impossible at some times and manageable, even comforting, at others. The progression isn’t linear either: You will think you’re through the worst, then get hit with huge sobs over some trigger you were able to shrug off only yesterday. It’s just the way it is.

I lived this during my mother’s terminal illness, and still do after her death. To get through this difficult phase you’re in now — where you want to savor every moment with someone just as your ability to enjoy anything has gone AWOL — I found places away from Mom to take my grief, and I visited them frequently so I could focus on Mom when I saw her vs. on myself. One outlet was talking to a therapist weekly. Another was taking day or overnight trips to see friends (selected for their restorative effect on me; I was not concerned with fairness). Another was exercising. Another was keeping in e-touch with friends who got it but weren’t within visiting range.

You also might find a useful framework in “Ring Theory,” so she doesn’t become the one trying to help you feel better.

Hope this helps. Hang in there.

Re: Family: I wrote into your chat in 2014 about my stepfather’s terminal cancer. We knew that any moment Could Be It. I stayed home the first semester of college after his diagnosis to take care of my family, but also went back to graduate after that, then moved to another city, adopted a cat, got my first job, met my now-husband, adopted another cat. It felt like a roller coaster of good and bad, but life kept on moving in real time.

I grieved tremendously during the seven years I had with my dad, and it did not prepare me for when he passed or for the grief that still sometimes reduces me to a blubbering mess at my desk on a Tuesday afternoon.

Spend time with your sister as those moments come. Be gentle with yourself, rest, enjoy what you can and also give yourself permission to lie on the living room floor in your sweatpants if you just need to.

Anonymous: Thank you so much for the insight, and the update.

Write to Carolyn Hax, Style, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or tellme@washpost.com. Get her column delivered to your inbox each morning at http://bit.ly/haxpost.
What is a short summary of the above article?

OUT: A woman’s sister has a terminal illness, and the reader is having difficulty in handling emotions.


IN: Bruins had first-hand look at Pauley flooding
Updated AUG 03, 2014 8:28a ET

On Wednesday, a school known for its sun and sun dresses was shockingly deluged by a mini-flood after a water main broke underground. The incident left millions of gallons of water spread across campus.

As dramatic as the images were, the initial returns from UCLA aren't as bad as feared. Yes, cars are still slowly being evacuated from underground parking garages, and sure, some campus buildings -- including famed Pauley Pavilion -- need some work. Overall though, the impact could have been worse, no matter how shocking it looked at first glance.

Still, it raises the question of what it was like to be a UCLA student during the ordeal. FOXSports.com was at this weekend's Adidas Nations tournament, and had the chance to ask three members of UCLA's basketball team just that.

Wednesday started off like any other afternoon for the players. Another practice was set to begin, in a seemingly never-ending offseason full of them. And while the team was suiting up in Pauley Pavilion, they were also getting ready to trek across campus; a volleyball tournament had booted them from their home court for the afternoon.

Then, the strangest thing happened.

"We saw a little water trickling from the roof," senior Norman Powell said. "I just thought it was a leak, maybe from one of the restaurants that serves food at the arena during games."

Oh, it was no leak. And it quickly became no joke.

"Next thing we look up and water comes pouring out of the roof," sophomore guard Bryce Alford said. "Pouring. It was crazy."

At almost that exact instant, the team's strength and conditioning coach burst into the locker room with strict orders. A flood had hit campus and the team was to evacuate the building immediately. Elevators were not an option, leading to the even more surreal scene of walking up a flight of stairs as water trickled down in the other direction.

Once outside, things only got more strange.

"We got outside and Bruin Walk was flooded," Alford said of the famed campus street near the building. "Nobody knew what to do. Some people grabbed their boogie boards, some were wearing bathing suits. I've never seen anything like it."

For UCLA's basketball team however, there was no time to frolic. Once officials deemed Pauley Pavilion safe to re-enter, the players retrieved keys, wallets and other valuables they'd left behind in the haste to evacuate. None of the players interviewed lost anything valuable, and none of the three had the added concern of owning a car on campus either. They spent part of the afternoon helping those who did have cars find theirs safely.

The leak from the ruptured main eventually came to a stop and players were free to return to their hill-top dorms, which were not impacted.

A night of sleep brought a degree of normalcy back to the campus.

"The next day," Alford said, "it was like nothing had happened. You would've never known there was all this damage the day before."

The players credited the workers at the school, specifically at Pauley Pavilion, for the quick clean-up. According to Powell, the court looked "like any other court," even if it will ultimately be replaced because of the damage. School officials have said they hope to re-open the building in October and don't expect to have to move regular-season basketball games because of it.

So, safe to say, the strangest chapter in recent UCLA history is all but over.

"It wasn't really scary," Powell said, explaining that while it was bizarre, he never feared for his safety, or that of anyone else.

Still, it might've been one of UCLA's youngest players who summed it up best.

"I've seen floods back home," said Kevon Looney, a true freshman who just arrived from Milwaukee a few weeks ago. "Coming out here, it's the last thing I ever thought would happen."

Aaron Torres is a show writer for Fox Sports Live and a contributor to FoxSports.com. Follow him on Twitter @Aaron_Torres or e-mail at ATorres00@gmail.com.
What is a short summary of the above article?

OUT:

assistant: Several basketball players were in the building when a water main break flooded Pauley Pavilion on the UCLA campus.