# Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
    
    
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                          / V I C E  C I T Y  S C R I P T / 
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    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    By: eL dudE
    E-Mail: see contact info
    Version: Final
    Date: 04/08/03
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    
    ===============================================================================
                                 TABLE OF CONTENTS
    
      I. Contact Info
     II. Version History
    III. Storyline Missions Script
         1. Intro
            a. An Old Friend
         2. Ken Rosenberg
            a. The Party
            b. Back Alley Brawl
            c. Jury Fury
            d. Riot
         3. Juan Garcia Cortez
            a. Treacherous Swine
            b. Mall Shootout
            c. Guardian Angels
            d. Sir, Yes Sir
            e. All Hands On Deck
         4. Ricardo Diaz
            a. The Chase
            b. Phnom Penh '86
            c. The Fastest Boat
            d. Supply And Demand
         5. Kent Paul
            a. Death Row
         6. Vercetti Estate
            a. Rub Out
            b. Shakedown
            c. Bar Brawl
            d. Copland
         7. Final Missions
            a. Cap The Collector
            b. Keep Your Friends Close
     IV. Side Missions Script
         1. Avery Carrington
            a. Four Iron
            b. Demolition Man
            c. Two Bit Hit
         2. Love Fist
            a. Love Juice
            b. Psycho Killer
            c. Publicity Tour
         3. Mitch Baker
            a. Alloy Wheels of Steel
            b. Messing With The Man
            c. Hog Tied
         4. Auntie Poulet
            a. Juju Scramble
            b. Bombs Away!
            c. Dirty Lickin's
         5. Umberto Robina
            a. Stunt Boat Challenge
            b. Cannon Fodder
            c. Naval Engagement
            d. Trojan Voodoo
         6. Phil Cassidy
            a. Gun Runner
            b. Boomshine Saigon
         7. Assassination Missions
            a. Road Kill
            b. Waste the Wife
            c. Autocide
            d. Check Out at the Check In
            e. Loose Ends
      V. Asset Missions Script
         1. Sunshine Autos
         2. Cherry Popper Ice Cream Factory
         3. Boatyard
         4. Kaufman Cabs
            a. VIP
            b. Friendly Rivalry
            c. Cabmageddon
         5. The Malibu
            a. No Escape?
            b. The Shootist
            c. The Driver
            d. The Job
         6. Film Studio
            a. Recruitment Drive
            b. Dildo Dodo
            c. Martha's Mug Shot
            d. G-spotlight 
         7. Print Works
            a. Spilling The Beans
            b. Hit The Courier
     VI. Credits 
    VII. Legal Junk
    
    ===============================================================================
    I.                          CONTACT INFO
    
    This is the final version of the FAQ so I am no longer accepting any more 
    e-mails.
    ===============================================================================
    II.                        VERSION HISTORY
    
     0.1 - 12/17/02
     First version, all storyline missions added.
     0.2 - 12/18/02
     Added the side missions and the asset missions scripts.
     0.3 - 12/20/02
     Minor updates.
     0.4 - 12/24/02
     "Assassination Missions" script added.
     0.5 - 12/25/02
     Corrected some errors.
     0.6 - 01/03/03
     Corrected some errors, added 'gta games'.
     0.7 - 01/13/03
     Minor updates.
     0.8 - 02/08/03
     Corrected some errors, added neoseeker.
     0.9 - 02/11/03
     Minor updates.
     1.0 - 03/03/03
     Added videogamingforums.com, also added ASCII logo.
     Final - 04/08/03
     I corrected an error in the intro script.
    ===============================================================================
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    III.         S T O R Y L I N E  M I S S I O N S  S C R I P T
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                                Character Key
    
        SONNY = Sonny Forelli                     AUNTIE = Auntie Poulet
        TOMMY = Tommy Vercetti                        BJ = B.J. Smith
          KEN = Ken Rosenberg                      AVERY = Avery Carrington 
        BAKER = Mitch Baker                       DONALD = Donald Love   
       CORTEZ = Juan Garcia Cortez              MERCEDES = Mercedes Cortez     
         DIAZ = Ricardo Diaz                        PHIL = Phil Cassidy
          CAM = Cam Jones                         HILARY = Hilary King    
        STEVE = Steve Scott                        CANDY = Candy Suxxx
        LANCE = Lance Vance                      UMBERTO = Umberto Robina
        KELLY = Ernest Kelly                        PAUL = Kent Paul
        SHRUB = Alex Shrub                       ALBERTO = Alberto Robina
    ===============================================================================
    1.                              I N T R O  
    ===============================================================================
    
    Marco's Bistro, Liberty City 1986
    
    SONNY: Tommy Vercetti...Huh! shit.
    SONNY: Didn't think they'd ever let him out.
     MAN1: He kept his head down, helps people forget.
    SONNY: People will remember soon enough.
    SONNY: When they see him walking down the streets of their neighborhoods.
    SONNY: It will be bad for business.
     MAN2: Well, what are we gonna do, Sonny?
    SONNY: We treat him like an old friend and keep him busy out of town. OK?
    SONNY: We been talking about expanding down South, right?
    SONNY: Vice City is twenty-four carat gold these days.
    SONNY: The Colombians, the Mexicans, hell,
    SONNY: even those Cuban refugees are cutting themselves a piece 
    SONNY: of some nice action.
     MAN1: But it's all drugs, Sonny,
     MAN1: None of the families will touch that shit!
    SONNY: Times are changing.
    SONNY: The families can't keep their backs turned while our enemies 
    SONNY: reap the rewards.
    SONNY: So, we send someone down to do the dirty work for us...
    SONNY: and cut ourselves a nice quiet slice. OK?
    SONNY: Who's our contact down there?
     MAN2: Ken Rosenberg, schmuck of a lawyer.
     MAN2: How's he gonna hold Vercetti's leash?
    SONNY: We don't need him to.
    SONNY: We just set him loose in Vice City,
    SONNY: we give him a little cash to get started. OK?
    SONNY: Give it a few months.
    SONNY: Then we go down,
    SONNY: pay him a little visit, right?
    SONNY: see how he's doing.
    
    Escobar International Airport, Vice City
    
      KEN: Hey, hey, guys! It's, uh, Ken Rosenberg here! Hey! 
      KEN: Heh, heh, hey, great, hey!
      KEN: Well, uh, I'm gonna drive you guys to the meet, okay?
      KEN: Now, I've talked to the suppliers and they are very, huh-ha,
      KEN: keen to start a business relationship, so, uh,
      KEN: if all goes well, we should, uh,
      KEN: be doing very nicely for ourselves, which is, y'know...
      KEN: good..
      KEN: Okay, so. They're brothers, okay.
      KEN: One operates the uh, the business,
      KEN: and the other one does the flying.
    
    Vice City Docks
    
      KEN: Ok, that's them in the chopper.
      KEN: All right, here's the deal.
      KEN: They want a straight exchange on open ground.
      KEN: All right? Ok. Stay tight, let's go.
    
    TOMMY: Got it?
      MAN: 100% pure grade-A Colombian, my friend.
    TOMMY: Let me see it.
      MAN: The greens?
    TOMMY: Tens and twenties...used.
      MAN: I think we have a deal, my friend. HA HA!
    TOMMY: Oh Shit!
    TOMMY: Go on, get out of here! Drive!
    
    Vice Beach, outside Ken's office
    
      KEN: I poke my head out of the gutter for one freakin' second,
      KEN: and fate shovels shit in my face!
    TOMMY: Go get some sleep.
      KEN: What are you gonna do?
    TOMMY: I'll drop by your office tomorrow 
    TOMMY: and we can start sorting this mess out.
    ----------------
    a. AN OLD FRIEND
    ----------------
    TOMMY: Hello Sonny.
    SONNY: Tommy! Tommy, it's been too long.
    SONNY: I know, I know. You're just overwhelmed with emotion.
    SONNY: Fifteen years - seems like only yesterday.
    TOMMY: I guess that's a perspective thing.
    SONNY: Hey, doing time for the family is no piece of cake,
    SONNY: but the family looks after its own, ok?
    SONNY: So, how'd the deal go down - you sitting on some white gold?
    TOMMY: Look Sonny, we were set up. The deal was an ambush. 
    TOMMY: Harry and Lee are dead.
    SONNY: You better be kidding me Tommy. Tell me you still got the money.
    TOMMY: ...no Sonny...I don't have the money.
    SONNY: That was my money, Tommy, MY MONEY!
    SONNY: You better not be screwing me Tommy 
    SONNY: because you know I'm not a man to be screwed with!
    TOMMY: Wait Sonny.
    TOMMY: You have my personal assurance that I'm going to get your money back 
    TOMMY: and the drugs.
    TOMMY: And I'm gonna mail you the dicks of those responsible.
    SONNY: Hey, I already know that. You're not a fool Tommy, 
    SONNY: but I warn you, neither am I.
    SONNY: If it was anybody else you'd be DEAD already.
    SONNY: But because it's you, because we got history, 
    SONNY: I'm gonna let you handle this.
    TOMMY: Look, Sonny, you got my word.
    TOMMY: I'll be in touch.
    ===============================================================================
    2.                       K E N  R O S E N B E R G
    ===============================================================================
    ------------
    a. THE PARTY
    ------------
      KEN: Go get some sleep, he says -
      KEN: I have been sitting in this chair all night with the lights off 
      KEN: drinking coffee!
      KEN: This is a disaster. We are so screwed, man!
      KEN: These gorillas, listen to me, are gonna come down here 
      KEN: and rip my head off. It's ridiculous!
      KEN: I did NOT go to law school for this! Ok, 
      KEN: now what the hell are we gonna do?
    TOMMY: Shut up, sit down, relax. I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
    TOMMY: You're gonna find out who took our cocaine - 
    TOMMY: and then, I'm gonna kill them.
      KEN: That's a good idea. That's a GREAT idea. 
      KEN: Let me think, let me think, let me think.
      KEN: OH! There's this retired Colonel, Colonel Juan Garcia Cortez.
      KEN: He's the one that helped me set up this deal
      KEN: well away from Vice City's established thugs. Ok?
      KEN: Now, listen. He's holding his party out in the bay 
      KEN: on his expensive yacht
      KEN: and all of Vice City's big players are gonna be there. OK?
      KEN: I have an invite, of course I have an invite,
      KEN: but there's no way that I'm going out there, 
      KEN: sticking my head out the door - no way! Not gonna happen.
    TOMMY: I told you, shut up! I'll go myself...
      KEN: Ho - whoa, whoa! Hey, I like 1978 too, 
      KEN: but, y'know, this isn't gonna be a beer and strippers do. 
      KEN: I mean, no offense, but I think that you might turn heads 
      KEN: on the runway for the wrong reasons.
    TOMMY: What's wrong with the way I'm dressed?
      KEN: Ok, look, here. Stop by Rafael's, tell him I sent 'ya. 
      KEN: He'll make you look respectable.
      KEN: OK, go, c'mon...
    
      CORTEZ: Buenas noches.
      CORTEZ: I understand you are here on the behalf of Mr. Rosenberg,
      CORTEZ: I hope any recent problems have not affected his health, or uh,
      CORTEZ: mental well being, Mr...uh?
       TOMMY: Vercetti. He's just got a touch of...agoraphobia.
      CORTEZ: Excellent, excellent. And you?
       TOMMY: I just want my merchandise.
      CORTEZ: Ah. It's an unfortunate set of circumstances for all involved.
      CORTEZ: Of course I have initiated my own lines of inquiry,
      CORTEZ: but such a delicate matter will take time.
      CORTEZ: Perhaps we will talk later.
      CORTEZ: Meanwhile, let me introduce you to my daughter,
      CORTEZ: Mercedes!
      CORTEZ: Caramia, could you look after our guest 
      CORTEZ: while I attend to my necessary obligations?
    MERCEDES: Of course, daddy.
      CORTEZ: Please excuse me.
       TOMMY: Mercedes!?
    MERCEDES: You try living with it.
    MERCEDES: Anyway, let me point out some of our more distinguished guests...
    MERCEDES: That's our congressman Alex Shrub with rising silicone star 
    MERCEDES: Candy Suxxx...
       SHRUB: And have you met my lovely wife Laura? No?
       SHRUB: Well, unfortunately she's in Alabama. This is Candy.
    MERCEDES: And over there we have the Vice City Mambas' star tight end, BJ -
    MERCEDES: always the charmer.
          BJ: I blocked down on him and then I put him in a wheelchair!
       AVERY: Haha, that is good!
       AVERY: Well now, I'm looking at some prime real estate property.
    MERCEDES: And that poolside amphibian is Jezz Torrent,
    MERCEDES: lead singer with Love Fist.
        JEZZ: Can I tell yous - do you know how they play ping-pong in Thailand?
        JEZZ: Let me tell you's,
        JEZZ: it does not involve a paddle, if you know what I mean!
    MERCEDES: Impotent.
    MERCEDES: And the chatty trio.
    MERCEDES: That sleeping sweat gland is Papa's right hand gimp, Gonzalez
    MERCEDES: and the other two are Pastor Richards
    MERCEDES: and pseudo intellectual film director, Steve Scott.
       STEVE: ...passion with the nympho invaders,
       STEVE: when the giant shark comes in and
       STEVE: just bites their dicks off!
       STEVE: Ha now, you never saw anything like that before, have you?
        DIAZ: Colonel!
        DIAZ: your parties as ever are a triumph, hahahaha!
        DIAZ: I can only apologize for my late arrival.
      CORTEZ: Ah, de nada amigo. How do we find you?
        DIAZ: Our business is very trying - barbarians at the gates.
        DIAZ: A time for rewarding one's friends 
        DIAZ: and liquidating one's enemies, amigo.
       TOMMY: Who's the loudmouth?
    MERCEDES: Ricardo Diaz. He's Mr. Coke.
        DIAZ: Mercedes!
    MERCEDES: Oh, I was just taking my friend back into town.
    MERCEDES: Another time, Ricardo!
    MERCEDES: Let's get out of here.
    MERCEDES: Actually, take me to the Pole Position club.    
    -------------------
    b. BACK ALLEY BRAWL
    -------------------
      KEN: Ah! Well, I hope you're having a good time. 
      KEN: Because I'm going out of my mind with worry here. What did you find out?
    TOMMY: That there are more criminals in this town than in prison. 
    TOMMY: We need a lead from the streets...
      KEN: Ok, let me think, let me think, let me think -
      KEN: AH! I've got it!
      KEN: Ok, There's this limey, some music industry slimeball,
      KEN: goes by the name of Kent Paul.
      KEN: Anyway, he's got his nose so far up most of Vice City's ass
      KEN: that if anybody knows the whereabouts of 20 k's of coke,
      KEN: it's this guy, all right? He's always at The Malibu.
    TOMMY: I'll go pay him a visit.
      KEN: take it easy now.
    
     PAUL: Where'd you pop up from?
     PAUL: I've been looking for a bird like you for ages, mate...
    TOMMY: I'm looking for some English guy...
     PAUL: Kent Paul, mate. Yeah, I'm the guvnor 'round here.
     PAUL: I sort things out, you know what I mean?
     PAUL: I'll treat you. Whatever you want, I'll get you, girl.
     PAUL: Don't you worry about a thing, mate.
    TOMMY: Get lost, honey.
     PAUL: Oi oi oi oi oi!
    TOMMY: You Kent Paul? I'm a friend of Rosenberg's...
     PAUL: Rosenberg...Rosenberg...Oh, that bonkers ambulance chaser!
     PAUL: That guy could defend an innocent man all the way to death row!
     PAUL: Give us another drink, bruv.
     PAUL: Everybody's a comedian.
    TOMMY: Listen to me, I'm missing twenty keys and a lot of cash...
     PAUL: Drugs, mate? It's a mug's game.
    TOMMY: What do you know about it?
     PAUL: Oi oi! What I was coming to was,
     PAUL: there's some chef-cum-trumpetshifter 
     PAUL: who deals out kitchen of a hotel on Ocean Drive.
     PAUL: He's been looking real pleased with himself lately. 
     PAUL: You could go and check him out...?!
    TOMMY: I will - and I'll be seeing you around.
     PAUL: Yeah, that's right. Go on - walk away, you mug. 
     PAUL: I'll knock you spark out!
     PAUL: Give me a drink - and where's that slut!
    
     CHEF: Hey, whatchoo lookin' at?
    TOMMY: You better start talking..
     CHEF: Hey, make me, you prick!
    
    LANCE: Oh, way to go, tough guy. Beat him to a pulp. 
    LANCE: That should make him real chatty.
    TOMMY: You want some, too?
    LANCE: Hey, chill. I want what you want, brother.
    TOMMY: Oh, yeah? And what's that?
    LANCE: Your green - and my dead brother's white lady.
    LANCE: Unfortunately, you just silenced our lead.
    TOMMY: Accidents happen. Get lost.
    LANCE: Hey, hey, whoa. No need to go all 'Lone Ranger' on my ass.
    LANCE: The way I see it - we two hombres in a strange town.
    LANCE: We need to watch each other's back.
    TOMMY: My back's just fine, brother...
    LANCE: You sure about that? Here, take this.
    LANCE: Follow me!
    
    LANCE: We gotta get the hell outta here!
    
    LANCE: One thing you gotta realize about this town. You gotta pack some heat.
    LANCE: C'mon, the local gun shop's a couple of blocks away.
    
    LANCE: Tommy, every man needs a little R&R once in a while.
    LANCE: This here's the Pole Position Strip Club.
    LANCE: You might want to drop in some time.
    ------------
    c. JURY FURY
    ------------
      KEN: Aaah! Oh, for god's sake, it's you! Oh, Jeez - I'm gonna need new pants!
      KEN: Hey, those psychos from up north - they've been on the horn, 
      KEN: and they're coming down here soon.
      KEN: Now where is the goddamn money?!
    TOMMY: Relax, relax. We're not at that part yet.
      KEN: Ohhh... I thought that you were taking care of this, I really did!
      KEN: And now those guidos say we gotta do them a favor.
    TOMMY: You mean I gotta do 'em a favor.
      KEN: Oh, of course that's what I mean.
      KEN: Do I look like I can intimidate a jury?
      KEN: I couldn't intimidate a child - and believe me, I've tried.
      KEN: Now, look. It's either that, or Forelli's cousin, Giorgio, 
      KEN: gets five years for fraud.
      KEN: You gotta take these guys OUT!
    TOMMY: I understand. Help the jury change their minds. Don't worry about it.
      KEN: No no no no no - NO! I tried that. The jury case didn't go so well,
      KEN: so MAKE them change their minds.
    -------
    d. RIOT
    -------
      KEN: Avery, it goes without saying... Tommy! Tommy! Any progress? 
      KEN: No, no, no - tell me later, tell me later.
      KEN: Tommy, this is Avery Carrington - I believe you met at the party?
    TOMMY: Not in person.
    AVERY: Howdy.
      KEN: Avery here has a proposition.
    TOMMY: Haven't we got other things on our mind?
      KEN: I'm trying to keep the wolves from the door, 
      KEN: so could you please cut me some slack?
      KEN: I'm stretched like a wire and even if I'm dead by the end of the week, 
      KEN: I'd like to think that I didn't die poor.
    AVERY: Now just calm down, both of you.
    AVERY: Son, you help me and any greaseballs giving you a hard time, 
    AVERY: I'll see to it they take a long dirt nap.
    TOMMY: Ok. What could I do for ya'?
    AVERY: This delivery company's got its depot on some prime land. 
    AVERY: They won't sell.
    AVERY: They're hanging on like a big old prairie rat, 
    AVERY: so we gotta go in there and smoke that vermin out.
    AVERY: Head on down there and stir up a hornet's nest
    AVERY: - the security will have their hands full 
    AVERY: and then you can sneak in and put 'em out of business.
      KEN: And you could drop by Rafael's for a change of clothes.
      KEN: You might be there a while, but yeah, go for it.
    TOMMY: Should be a riot.
    AVERY: If the balls drop like they should, stop by my office sometime...
    ===============================================================================
    3.                 J U A N  G A R C I A  C O R T E Z
    ===============================================================================
    --------------------
    a. TREACHEROUS SWINE
    --------------------
    CORTEZ: Mr. Vercetti!
     TOMMY: Colonel.
    CORTEZ: Thank you for coming. Please sit. Lobster?
     TOMMY: No - thanks.
    CORTEZ: I'm ashamed to admit that one of the causes of our mutual problem
    CORTEZ: appears to have been the loose tongue of a man I used to trust.
    CORTEZ: I've been carrying Gonzalez for years,
    CORTEZ: but now his incompetence reaches new heights!
    CORTEZ: It is only right that you kill Gonzalez...
     TOMMY: Did he do it? It's the money that's important to me.
    CORTEZ: For this kindness I'll reward you,
    CORTEZ: and then we will find your money together.
    CORTEZ: He will be at his Penthouse, half drunk probably. Use this...
    ----------------
    b. MALL SHOOTOUT
    ----------------
    CORTEZ: Tommy! Come, join me.
    CORTEZ: This looks delicious, huh? Tapia snout?
     TOMMY: Uhhh... no, no. No, thanks.
    CORTEZ: Tommy, you are like a pampas breeze 
    CORTEZ: that has freed me from the stench of corruption,
    CORTEZ: although, I must appear to mourn his passing 
    CORTEZ: and carry on with business as usual.
     TOMMY: This isn't getting me any closer to my money...
    CORTEZ: Tommy, my friend, you are not in Liberty now.
    CORTEZ: Here we do things differently.
    CORTEZ: I will continue with my enquiries 
    CORTEZ: but in the meantime I have a valuable deal to close.
     TOMMY: A favor for a friend, Cortez?
    CORTEZ: You're a good friend, Tommy. I knew you would not let me down.
    CORTEZ: I need you to meet a courier 
    CORTEZ: who has obtained some valuable technology for me...
    
    COURIER: Ze rain, she is tres wet zis time of the year...
      TOMMY: What?
    COURIER: Ah, coment?
      TOMMY: Look, Cortez sent me. Just give me the damn chips.
    COURIER: Oh...d'accord.
    COURIER: Freeze, imperialist American pig!
    COURIER: Zat iz propertay of ze government Francais. 'And eet over!
    ------------------
    c. GUARDIAN ANGELS
    ------------------
    CORTEZ: Thomas, I appreciate your coming.
    CORTEZ: Forgive me for getting straight to business.
    CORTEZ: Diaz has asked me to oversee a minor business transaction.
     TOMMY: Let's hope it goes better than last time, huh?
    CORTEZ: Which is why I thought of you, my friend.
    CORTEZ: I've dropped some protection at the multistory carpark.
    CORTEZ: Pick it up - then go and watch over Diaz's men at the drop off.
    CORTEZ: Gracias, amigo.
    
    LANCE: Hogging all the action, I see...
    TOMMY: Look, you wanna do something other than just shadowing me everywhere?
    TOMMY: Why don't you come along and show me if you're any use.
    LANCE: I might just do that. The name's Lance, by the way.
    
     DIAZ: You must be Cortez's new gun.
    TOMMY: Until more gainful opportunities arise.
    LANCE: They'll be here any minute - we both better get a good vantage point...
    LANCE: OK! I'll take the balcony, you get the roof across the yard.
    
     DIAZ: MY MONEY!
     DIAZ: Don't just stand there, you pricks, chase that Haitian dickhead down!
    LANCE: Tommy! I'll stay here and watch over Diaz!
    
     DIAZ: I live! Dickheads! And it's all down to you! What is your name?
    TOMMY: Tommy.
     DIAZ: I see you soon, amigo, I think!
    TOMMY: Shit. Where's that guy Lance?
    ---------------
    d. SIR, YES SIR
    ---------------
    CORTEZ: Diaz was pleased, and would like to meet you again.
     TOMMY: Is that a good thing?
    CORTEZ: Of course!
    CORTEZ: Although I'm starting to think that Diaz was responsible
    CORTEZ: for our unfortunate loss...
     TOMMY: What makes you say that?
    CORTEZ: One does not wave accusations at a man like Diaz
    CORTEZ: - I'm merely thinking out loud...
    CORTEZ: No matter. I have a proposal that you could profit from...
     TOMMY: I don't have time to run more errands, Cortez.
    CORTEZ: I would have thought a man with such dangerous debts 
    CORTEZ: would be hungry for opportunities. Please, Tommy, at least hear me out.
     TOMMY: Go on...
    CORTEZ: I have a buyer for a piece of military hardware
    CORTEZ: that is being taken through town. Pick it up for me...
    CORTEZ: and once you get it, I want you to call me immediately, then...
    --------------------
    e. ALL HANDS ON DECK
    --------------------
    CORTEZ: Circumstances force a hasty departure, amigo.
     TOMMY: What's the problem?
    CORTEZ: Ehh, the French want their missile technology back
    CORTEZ: and after that last incident,
    CORTEZ: I feel it is time to find safer harbors.
     TOMMY: Wouldn't it be safer to fly?
    CORTEZ: I'd be dead before I reached check-in.
    CORTEZ: Besides, I need to get my merchandise out of the country.
     TOMMY: Need another gun?
    CORTEZ: You, my friend, are worth ten guns...
    
    CORTEZ: Thomas, you have protected and served me well.
    CORTEZ: But now you must leave us before we reach the open seas.
    CORTEZ: I will lower my personal launch.
    CORTEZ: Keep it, my friend, a token of my gratitude.
     TOMMY: Thank you, Colonel.
    CORTEZ: One more request. While I'm away,
    CORTEZ: could you keep an eye on Mercedes for me?
     TOMMY: I think she could look after herself, but sure, I'll keep an eye out.
    CORTEZ: Gracias, amigo. Hasta luego.
     TOMMY: Adios, amigo.
    ===============================================================================
    4.                        R I C A R D O  D I A Z
    ===============================================================================
    ------------
    a. THE CHASE
    ------------
     DIAZ: Come on, baby, go! Yeah! Yeah! Arrrrr!
     DIAZ: Stupid horse! I'll chop your head off! Grrrrr...
     DIAZ: Who is this dickhead?
    TOMMY: Tommy Vercetti. You remember me.
     DIAZ: Excuse me. I'm a little anxious. Never trust a goddamn horse!
     DIAZ: You do a good job - you work for me now.
    TOMMY: I work for money.
     DIAZ: As I said, amigo, you work for me now. Shut up.
     DIAZ: Some Judas has betrayed me.
     DIAZ: He thinks I don't know how much money I should be making, 
     DIAZ: but stealing 3% is as good as stealing 100%.
     DIAZ: No one does this to me. NO ONE!!
     DIAZ: You follow him from his apartment and you see where he goes!
     DIAZ: Later, we will kill him.
    
      GUY: Ooh shit!
      GUY: Too slow grandad!
    TOMMY: You better keep on running, asshole!
      GUY: Loser.
    -----------------
    b. PHNOM PENH '86
    -----------------
     DIAZ: What kind of incompetent fool are you?
     DIAZ: FOOL! FOOL! FOOL! FOOL!
     DIAZ: Tommy!
    TOMMY: What, Ricardo?
     DIAZ: These idiots - they always trying to screw you.
     DIAZ: That's the problem with this business.
     DIAZ: What do you think you're doing?
     DIAZ: These pricks have failed me miserably,
     DIAZ: Soon any mom and pop will think they can sell gallo in Vice City.
     DIAZ: What next, huh? The stinking Mafia?!
     DIAZ: That gang place is a fortress at ground level,
     DIAZ: so Quentin here - Quentin! QUENTIN!
     DIAZ: He'll fly you over the area!
     DIAZ: Eradicate them!
     DIAZ: What do you think you're doing?
    
    TOMMY: What are you doing here?
    LANCE: Hey, I've been asking around and it's obvious
    LANCE: that Diaz jumped the deal and iced my brother.
    TOMMY: And he'll kill you, too!
    LANCE: I can take Diaz!
    TOMMY: No - listen to me! I'll handle Diaz -
    TOMMY: he's beginning to trust me.
    
    TOMMY: One thing puzzling me, What's with 'Quentin!?
    LANCE: I dunno, I always kinda liked it...Quentin Vance...
    TOMMY: Vance? Your name's Lance Vance?
    LANCE: Hey! I got enough of that at school!
    TOMMY: Lance Vance. Poor bastard.
    TOMMY: Where the hell are we headed anyway?
    LANCE: Prawn Island.
    LANCE: You ever fired one of those from a whirly?
    TOMMY: No. I'll get a bit of practice on the way though.
    LANCE: Ok, we're almost there.
    LANCE: We'll make a couple of passes.
    LANCE: So take out as many guns as you can.
    LANCE: Then I'll set you down and you're on your way.
    
    LANCE: Damn! This is a war zone! Take out some of those gunmen!
    LANCE: We're taking hits here, man!
    LANCE: This thing ain't cheap to fix! Take them out!
    LANCE: Ok, you're on your own from here! Good luck, brother!
    -------------------
    c. THE FASTEST BOAT
    -------------------
     DIAZ: Not so pleased with your selves NOW, huh!
     DIAZ: Ahahahahaa, Ahahahahaa.
    TOMMY: Whoa! Watch where you're waving that thing!
     DIAZ: No more pigeon shit on MY car, eh Tommy!
    TOMMY: Guess not.
     DIAZ: You're damn right. Now listen,
     DIAZ: you know who owns the fastest boat on the east coast?
    TOMMY: Not off hand, no.
     DIAZ: ME. And I want it to stay that way.
     DIAZ: Every smuggler from here to Caracas has one dream, a faster boat.
     DIAZ: Rumor has it the boatyard has just completed such a vessel.
     DIAZ: for some Costa Rican dickhead.
     DIAZ: And Tommy...I WANT THAT BOAT!!!
     DIAZ: Ah! I thought I got you. Where'd you come from?
     DIAZ: Pigeons! Boom! Aaaaah!
    TOMMY: I think your pigeons are back.
    --------------------
    d. SUPPLY AND DEMAND
    --------------------
     DIAZ: Eject! PLASTIC CRAP!
     DIAZ: You doing this to me?
     DIAZ: Who do you think you are, you piece of plastic SHIT? Aaarrgh!
     DIAZ: SCREW YOU!
     DIAZ: It eats my favorite El burro movie, it die!
     DIAZ: What else could I do?
    TOMMY: It's probably not plugged in.
     DIAZ: What?
     DIAZ: Damn - no matter, I can buy a hundred more.
     DIAZ: Now Tommy,
     DIAZ: each month a freelancer sails into Vice City and moors his yacht.
     DIAZ: He sells his cargo to the first boat.
     DIAZ: I want you to take the speedboat
     DIAZ: and beat all the other shitheads to it,
     DIAZ: then you bring the cargo here, ok!?
    
    TOMMY: Let me guess, you thought I could use a guardian angel.
    LANCE: I'm just saying you need to let me in there, my man.
    LANCE: Now you can feed me all this 'lonely tough guy' crap,
    LANCE: but I know one day I'm gonna save your ass,
    LANCE: and you're probably gonna wanna kiss me!
    TOMMY: Wacko.
    LANCE: Hahahahahaha!
    
    LANCE: So Tommy, we know it was Diaz busted our deal..
    LANCE: So why the hell are we running errands for him?
    TOMMY: The more we learn now,
    TOMMY: the less we have to learn when we take this town over!
    LANCE: I like your style, man. Real fresh.
    
    LANCE: Good shooting, my friend. You're a real, proper, grade A lunatic.
    TOMMY: Well, thank you.
    LANCE: See you around, Tommy.
    TOMMY: Okay, Mr. Lance Vance Dance.
    ===============================================================================
    5.                          K E N T  P A U L
    ===============================================================================
    ------------
    a. DEATH ROW
    ------------
     PAUL: Awright mush, I'm gonna save your Vera, mate.
    TOMMY: What the hell are you talking about?
     PAUL: You know that wanker Diaz, the Bugle Master.
     PAUL: He's got your boy, Lance. Word is your mate tried to jump him...
     PAUL: didn't jump high enough if you know what I mean.
    TOMMY: Where did he take him? In plain English?
     PAUL: Keep your barnet on! They got him across town at the junkyard.
     PAUL: Bloody hell....you nutter!
    
    TOMMY: There goes my careful planning blown to shit, thanks to you.
    TOMMY: You screwed up real good, Lance!
    LANCE: He killed my brother. What do you expect me to do, mow his lawns?
    TOMMY: We're gonna have to take out that prick Diaz before he takes us out.
    TOMMY: You ok to use a gun?
    LANCE: Sure...I guess...nice to see you, too.
    TOMMY: Let's get out of here.
    
    TOMMY: Get patched up and meet me on the bridge to Star Island, ok?
    LANCE: Ok, I got you.
    
    ===============================================================================
    6.                    V E R C E T T I  E S T A T E
    ===============================================================================
    ----------
    a. RUB OUT
    ----------
    LANCE: I got us some cannons in the trunk.
    TOMMY: Holy shit! Where'd you get all this stuff?
    LANCE: Been saving it for a rainy day.
    LANCE: You like?
    TOMMY: Yeah, I like.
    
    TOMMY: DIAZ?! I've come to take over your business!
     DIAZ: TOMMY! You betrayed me, you idiot! I'm gonna kill you real soon..
    
     DIAZ: You stupid pricks...
     DIAZ: my beautiful house
     DIAZ: look what you've done to it!
    LANCE: This is for my brother!
     DIAZ: I trusted you, Tommy.
     DIAZ: I woulda had you made...
    LANCE: Say goodnight, Mr. Diaz.
    ------------
    b. SHAKEDOWN
    ------------
      KEN: Oh, we gotta redecorate this place. We gotta make it look older.
      KEN: I can't stand this look. Tommy, whadaya say?
      KEN: Whadaya say we put a bar in...
    TOMMY: You're my lawyer, Rosenberg, not my interior decorator. Got it?
    TOMMY: Listen to me,
    TOMMY: The time to take over this town is now.
    TOMMY: It's all out there waiting for us.
    LANCE: We need to start seizing territory,
    LANCE: let Vice City know we're the new players in town, know what I'm saying?
    AVERY: What you need is a legitimate front Tommy, real estate.
    AVERY: It's never done me no harm.
    LANCE: We need to start using some muscle
    LANCE: or we can kiss all that hard work goodbye.
    LANCE: Local businesses know Diaz is dead,
    LANCE: and they're refusing to pay protection!
      KEN: Ooh! We could try bribery...
    TOMMY: Bribery? Screw bribery! I'll show you how to make 'em scared!
    TOMMY: I'll be back here in five minutes...
    ------------
    c. BAR BRAWL
    ------------
    TOMMY: What's the problem?
    LANCE: Some bar is refusing to pay.
    LANCE: They reckon they're protected by a local gang of thugs.
    LANCE: But don't worry Tommy, I can handle it.
    TOMMY: You call this handling it?
    TOMMY: You two, off your asses...
    TOMMY: Let's go.
    
    TOMMY: Get in the car, useless.
    
    TOMMY: Your protection needs a little more protection.
    OWNER: Aw hell, not again! I don't need this crap!
    OWNER: These idiots operate out of DBP Security around the block.
    OWNER: You guys just sort it out amongst yourselves.
    TOMMY: I'll be seeing you later.
    OWNER: Yeah, yeah, whatever.
    ----------
    d. COPLAND
    ----------
    LANCE: You moron! What were you thinking?!
    LANCE: Do you realize what this means?!
    LANCE: We could all be sunk!
     MIKE: The timer must have got screwed.
     MIKE: That place was wired to go up like a firework factory.
     MIKE: Then somebody tipped off the cops...
    TOMMY: what's the problem, fellas?
    LANCE: Mike was supposed to torch some place in the mall,
    LANCE: but he screwed the fuses and now the cops are crawling all over it.
    LANCE: We gotta get our stuff and get out of here!
    TOMMY: Relax, both of you, let me think for a second!
    TOMMY: Tommy Vercetti just doesn't cut and run.
    TOMMY: The cops are gonna be going over that building
    TOMMY: with a fine toothed comb, right?
    TOMMY: But that takes time.
    TOMMY: We gotta go in and torch that place ourselves.
    LANCE: Yeah, but...
     MIKE: No one but a cop could get within a mile of that place!
    TOMMY: So we go as cops.
    TOMMY: We gotta get uniforms - and we're gonna need a squad car.
    TOMMY: All thanks to you Mike.
     MIKE: I'm sorry.
    LANCE: I got it.
    LANCE: What we got to do is lure the cops in with the finger,
    LANCE: put them in a lock-up
    LANCE: and jump 'em.
    TOMMY: Good plan. Let's go!
     MIKE: Alright.
    
    TOMMY: Ok Lance, let's get the cops' attention!
    LANCE: Tie 'em up and gag 'em!
    
    LANCE: Ooo. Fits perfectly!
    TOMMY: bit tight around the crotch though...
    LANCE: Oh yeah yeah, mine too. Mine too.
    
    TOMMY: Remember - smile at the other cops
    LANCE: Hey there officer. Nice badge, nice badge.
    TOMMY: Real smooth, Lance.
    
    LANCE: Ok, timers are set, 5 seconds and ticking.
    TOMMY: 5 seconds?!! We got to get the hell out of here!
    ===============================================================================
    8.                     F I N A L  M I S S I O N S
    ===============================================================================
    --------------------
    a. CAP THE COLLECTOR
    --------------------
    TOMMY: Ok, what's the emergency?
    KELLY: Tommy...some mob thugs ...said they'd come to take their cut...
    KELLY: ...said it was a Mr. Forello's money...I feel like crap.
    TOMMY: Forelli? SONNY Forelli?
    KELLY: Yeah, that's the guy...I think...they were very insistent...
    TOMMY: I'm not angry with you.
    TOMMY: Get him to the hospital.
    KELLY: Tommy...rip that guy a new asshole for me...
    TOMMY: I'm gonna rip him two!
    --------------------------
    b. KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE
    --------------------------
    TOMMY: What's going on?
      KEN: Tommy! Oh good, good. Listen, listen. Uh, listen,
      KEN: I like fish. I love fish.
      KEN: I love them as pets in bowls, or as food on a plate,
      KEN: but as much as I love em, I don't want to sleep with them.
      KEN: Okay, but right now your Italian brothers are coming from up there
      KEN: to fit me with some cement shoes, and I...
    TOMMY: Shut up Ken. Sit down.
    TOMMY: Lance, what the hell's going on?
    LANCE: It's your friends up north Tommy.
    LANCE: They ain't too happy you capped their man.
    LANCE: They're coming down to see the business today.
    TOMMY: They took longer than I thought...
    TOMMY: Guys, we gotta make this final
    TOMMY: we gotta leave no doubt that this is my operation. Mine!
    TOMMY: Ken, you get the first run of counterfeit cash
    TOMMY: and put three mil in briefcases.
    TOMMY: Lance, you get the guys together...
    
    SONNY: Tommy!
    SONNY: What? No big hugs for your old buddy?
    TOMMY: I've had fifteen years out of the loop,
    TOMMY: I'm a bit rusty on family etiquette.
    SONNY: Always angry, eh Tommy.
    SONNY: Didn't I say your temper would get you into trouble, huh?
    TOMMY: There's three mil in the cases...
    SONNY: How many was it? Ten? No, eleven men.
    SONNY: That's how you get to be called the Harwood Butcher! Heh-heh-heh!
    TOMMY: You sent me to kill one man, ONE MAN. They knew I was coming Sonny...
    SONNY: Tommy, Tommy, watch your tone.
    SONNY: Anyone would think you blame me 
    SONNY: for that unfortunate set of circumstances.
    TOMMY: Just take the money...
    TOMMY: Get the damn cash.
    SONNY: You know, Tommy? I did what I could for you,
    SONNY: I pulled strings, called in favors.
    SONNY: I was your friend, Tommy.
    SONNY: I hoped you'd see sense, see what's good for business.
    SONNY: I trusted you, Tommy, and you disappointed me.
    SONNY: But at least someone in your chicken shit organization
    SONNY: knows how to do business,
    SONNY: Isn't that right, Lance?
    LANCE: I'm sorry Tommy. This is Vice City. This is business.
    TOMMY: You sold us out...
    LANCE: No. I sold YOU out, Tommy, I sold YOU out.
    LANCE: The real cash is upstairs in the safe.
    SONNY: Tommy, what was the big plan?
    SONNY: You think I'd just take the fake cash?
    SONNY: Save face and run away with my tail between my legs?!
    TOMMY: No.
    TOMMY: I just wanted to piss you off before I kill you.
    
    LANCE: No one to cover your ass now, eh Tommy?
    TOMMY: you're going down, you back stabbing prick!
    LANCE: Oh you think so?
    
    TOMMY: Come here you double-crossing piece of shit!
    LANCE: You're history, Tommy, history
    
    TOMMY: This is the last dance for lance vance!
    LANCE: I said I had enough of that at school!
    
    TOMMY: You picked the wrong side, Lance...
    
    TOMMY: You took fifteen years from me Sonny...
    TOMMY: And now I'm gonna make you pay!
    SONNY: You still don't get it do you!
    SONNY: I OWN you, Tommy.
    SONNY: Those fifteen years were mine to spend!
    SONNY: Get him boys, he never understood a thing.
    
      KEN: Tommy?
      KEN: Oh my god, Tommy! What happened?
    TOMMY: What does it look like?
      KEN: It looks like you ruined your suit!
      KEN: and Tommy, that was a beautiful suit! Tommy, what on earth happened?
    TOMMY: I had a disagreement with a business associate, you know how it is.
      KEN: Tommy, I have a disagreement, I send them an angry letter.
      KEN: Maybe I pee in their mailbox. I don't start World War III.
      KEN: You know, maybe you should speak to my shrink...
    TOMMY: That stupid prick, Lance...
      KEN: Tommy. I never liked that guy, okay?
      KEN: He's neurotic, he's insecure, he's self-centered - the guy's an asshole!
      KEN: I'm glad you took him out!
    TOMMY: I don't think we're gonna be getting
    TOMMY: any more heat from up north either...
    TOMMY: ...'cause there ain't no 'up north', anymore.
    TOMMY: It's all down south now.
      KEN: Wait, does that mean what I think it means..? Tommy, baby!
    TOMMY: What do you think it means?
      KEN: That we're in charge... I mean, that you're in charge. Oh, Tommy!
    TOMMY: You know, Ken.
    TOMMY: I think this could be the beginning
    TOMMY: of a beautiful business relationship....
    TOMMY: After all, you're a conniving, backstabbing, two-bit thief
    TOMMY: and I'm a convicted psychotic killer and drug dealer.
      KEN: hehehe
      KEN: I know. Ain't it just beautiful?
    ===============================================================================
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    IV.               S I D E  M I S S I O N S  S C R I P T
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    ===============================================================================
    1.                    A V E R Y  C A R R I N G T O N
    ===============================================================================
    ------------
    a. FOUR IRON
    ------------
    AVERY: Come in and park yourself on the hide, son.
    AVERY: Hell, my daddy used to say, never look a gift horse in the mouth,
    AVERY: and by golly, he never did.
    AVERY: Would you like a drop of the old Kentucky?
    TOMMY: No thanks.
    AVERY: A clean thinker! I like that.
    AVERY: Now, the property business isn't all about high-falootin' paper pushing.
    AVERY: It's about dirt! And the will to claim that dirt! You with me, son?
    TOMMY: Oh yeah.
    AVERY: Well, I need some tenacious bastard to let go of some dirt,
    AVERY: and you look to me like the kind of guy to persuade him.
    TOMMY: Persuasion's my forte.
    AVERY: Yeh, he'll be down at the country club, down on the golf course.
    AVERY: They don't allow guns, so his bodyguards won't be packing lawgivers.
    AVERY: Go beat eight tons of crap out of him.
    AVERY: Here now - I got you a membership,
    AVERY: and boy you're going to need more appropriate clothing. 
    -----------------
    b. DEMOLITION MAN
    -----------------
    AVERY: Now look here, son.
    AVERY: I got a problem and I reckon you could help me with it.
    TOMMY: I'm no builder.
    AVERY: No, I was thinking more of your demolition skills.
    AVERY: Now this here, this is the development as planned and this,
    AVERY: this is the property that we're looking at.
    TOMMY: You're trying to say this new office block is kind of in the way.
    AVERY: You catch on quick.
    AVERY: Now I'm going to head out of town for a while
    AVERY: and if that office development were to face sudden
    AVERY: and insurmountable structural problems, then I..
    TOMMY: As a civil minded individual you'd feel obliged to step in and
    TOMMY: save the rejuvenation of an important area of the city?
    AVERY: Where can I get more guys like you!?
    --------------
    c. TWO BIT HIT
    --------------
     AVERY: Tommy, this is Donald Love. Donald, this here is Tommy Vercetti,
     AVERY: the latest gunslinger to come to these parts.
    DONALD: Yeh...uh...
     AVERY: Donald, you just shut up and listen, and you might learn something.
     AVERY: Now, nothing brings down real estate prices
     AVERY: quicker than a good old-fashioned gang war
     AVERY: 'cept maybe a disaster, like a biblical plague or something,
     AVERY: but, that may be going too far in this case.
     AVERY: You getting this down, you four-eyed prick?
     AVERY: Now recently a Haitian gang lord died.
     AVERY: Apparently the Cubans did it, nobody's certain.
     AVERY: But let's make them certain! You disguise yourself as a Cuban hombre,
     AVERY: and head on down to crash that funeral.
     AVERY: Mix it up, and then high tail it.
     AVERY: You getting this down, Donald?
     AVERY: Well, that ought to put the coyote in the chicken coop, huh?
     AVERY: And then we'll just sit back, and watch the prices tumble.
    ===============================================================================
    2.                           L O V E  F I S T
    ===============================================================================
    -------------
    a. LOVE JUICE
    -------------
     JEZZ: AllllllllRrrighttt!
     PAUL: Yessss! Brilliant, bloody brilliant!
     PAUL: Hey, Tommy! Glad you could make it.
     PAUL: Hey, you ever met Love Fist before?
    TOMMY: No, I haven't but I've always loved your music.
     PAUL: Let me introduce you to the band.
     PAUL: This is Percy, Dick, and Willy's in the kaze,
     PAUL: and that was Jezz in the booth earlier,
     PAUL: and guys, I want you to meet a good friend of mine.
     PAUL: This is Tommy. We go way back.
     JEZZ: All right, pal.
     JEZZ: And eh, what was your name again?
     PAUL: Leave it out, Jezz you, remember
     PAUL: don't be playing them games with me, mate,
     PAUL: I'm too crafty for that, sunshine!
     PAUL: You see, the thing is, Tom, the boys need some help.
     PAUL: They ain't too connected here,
     PAUL: they don't have the old 'how's your father?'
     JEZZ: We need some drugs, pal!
     JEZZ: Gonna get on the old Love Fist fury, you know?!
    TOMMY: Well, this is Vice City, man. What's the problem?
    PERCY: We need Love Juice, man, you know?
     DICK: Love Juice, man!
    TOMMY: Love Juice?
     JEZZ: Aye, two parts boomshine, 1 part trumpet,
     JEZZ: 5 fizz bombs and a liter of petrol.
    PERCY: Can you help us out, pal?
     PAUL: Aw, it would really mean a lot to the boys.
     PAUL: You can do that for the boys, right?
    ----------------
    b. PSYCHO KILLER
    ----------------
     PAUL: Tommy, man. Am I glad to see you!
    TOMMY: What's going on?
     JEZZ: Bad vibes, Tommy....
    PERCY: Aye, I'm not joking, it's heavy stuff man, heavy you know?
     JEZZ: There's this cat, we hardly know him, but he knows us.
     JEZZ: Like this cat. Knows all about us.
     JEZZ: Knows that Willy likes his ladies' underwear, eh!
     JEZZ: Or that Percy likes Duran Duran!
    PERCY: Shut up ye fool. Just 'cause Jezz bangs sheep.
    PERCY: It's a love rocket thing, you know?
     PAUL: Oi shut it!
     JEZZ: Yeah, the love rocket thing, right. But listen, this cat...
     PAUL: yeh, yeh, the guy, he wants Love Fist dead.
     PAUL: Dead Tommy.
     PAUL: Love Fist gone. You know what they say, the good die young.
     PAUL: but Tommy, you gotta save Love Fist!
     JEZZ: We got a signing in two hours and I think...
     PAUL: And the boys think the stalker's gonna try some monkey business there.
    -----------------
    c. PUBLICITY TOUR
    -----------------
     JEZZ: Tommy! Tommy! Tommy, man, that psycho's back!
    TOMMY: What's going on?
     PAUL: That psycho won't leave Love Fist alone!
     JEZZ: You didn't kill him man. And now he's back.
     PAUL: Yeah, yeah, yeah, and the thing is...
     JEZZ: The thing is, we need someone to drive the limo we can trust,
     JEZZ: cause that nutter keeps making threats!
    PERCY: I'm shitin' masel' man. I need ma ma!
     DICK: We're all bricking ourselves, man.
    TOMMY: Okay guys, calm down, I'll handle this.
    TOMMY: Normally I wouldn't busy myself with driving around
    TOMMY: a bunch of drunken Scottish bisexuals,
    TOMMY: but, in your case I'll make an exception.
    
     PERCY: At last man, time for a well earned drink.
      DICK: The venue's just a hundred yards down the road.
     PERCY: Better make it a large one then. Hey Tommy, change the tunes, man.
      JEZZ: I get confused if my head ain't banging.
      JEZZ: Ah look, what's this? Hey Tommy, stick this tape on.
    PSYCHO: Love Fist. Your time polluting the airwaves is over.
    PSYCHO: I gave you the chance to be friends.
    PSYCHO: Now, I'm giving you the chance to die.
    PSYCHO: Try to slow down and your limousine will explode,
    PSYCHO: along with your BIG, HAIRY ARSES!
    ===============================================================================
    3.                        M I T C H  B A K E R
    ===============================================================================
    ------------------------
    a. ALLOY WHEELS OF STEEL
    ------------------------
    TOMMY: Where's Baker?
    TOMMY: I'm looking for Big Mitch Baker...
    BAKER: Who's lookin'?
    TOMMY: Tommy Vercetti.
    BAKER: Vercetti.
    BAKER: You don't look like the law, so that's bought you a minute.
    BAKER: You better talk fast.
    TOMMY: Kent Paul said you might be interested in pulling security
    TOMMY: for a gig he's got set up.
    BAKER: Kent Paul? Sheesh! No wonder he sent ya.
    BAKER: The last time he was here he left through the window
    BAKER: in nothing but his limey birthday suit.
    TOMMY: Are you interested or not?
    BAKER: We only do favors for our own.
    TOMMY: How do I join?
    BAKER: This ain't no country club, boy. Can you handle a bike?
    TOMMY: Can you sit on a stool and drink?
    BAKER: Cougar, Zeppelin, go see how this girl handles a bike...
    
    BIKER: All right, fancy clothes. Let's see what you can do.
    -----------------------
    b. MESSING WITH THE MAN
    -----------------------
    BAKER: Ah, got ya again.
    BAKER: Hey Vercetti.
    BAKER: Cougar says you can handle a bike pretty good.
    TOMMY: Yeah, how many more errands am I gonna to have to run?
    TOMMY: I'm a very busy man.
    TOMMY: If it's a fight that's gonna settle this then bring it on.
    BAKER: Being one of us ain't just about brawlin'.
    BAKER: It's about being part of a family.
    TOMMY: Yeah, I've been part of a family before alright. It didn't work out.
    BAKER: Yeah, right, but this family takes care of its own.
    BAKER: We don't ask a man to do the dirty work
    BAKER: and then let him do fifteen years hard time.
    BAKER: Yeah, that's right. I've done my homework.
    BAKER: This here's the biggest family of misfits, outcasts and badasses.
    BAKER: Hell, some of us has even been betrayed by our own country.
    TOMMY: I was locked up during 'Nam. Ugly business.
    BAKER: Which is why I'm gonna ask you to go mess with the man.
    BAKER: This whole damn country needs a kick in the ass,
    BAKER: and we're the ones to deliver it.
    BAKER: So get out there, grab a bike and show this city how pissed you are!
    TOMMY: Alright, alright.
    -----------
    c. HOG TIED
    -----------
    TOMMY: Hey there, Mitch.
    BAKER: Well, if it ain't 'bad ass' Vercetti.
    BAKER: Now I wanna see how good you can fight for your patch.
    BAKER: A local street gang made the mistake of stealing my hog...
    BAKER: probably because of some machismo thing or somethin'.
    BAKER: Me and the boys would go over there
    BAKER: and teach them a lesson in respect an'all.
    BAKER: Anyways.
    BAKER: Then I got to thinking - this would make a good initiation for you.
    BAKER: You get my bike back, you can tell Paul he's got his security.
    ===============================================================================
    4.                      A U N T I E  P O U L E T
    ===============================================================================
    ----------------
    a. JUJU SCRAMBLE
    ----------------
     TOMMY: Hello? Hello?
    AUNTIE: Come in, my dear, and rest your soul.
    AUNTIE: You must be the big bad man me grandaddy been chattin' 'bout.
    AUNTIE: Tells me tings about you, you know, when he visits,
    AUNTIE: and about the others who wait for you.
    AUNTIE: Now, we all dead for long time, but you,
    AUNTIE: I wouldn't want to be in your shoes, ha ha ha ha ha!
     TOMMY: I got a message to come here.
    AUNTIE: Can you hear dem?
    AUNTIE: Dem callin' your name, boy, must want you pretty bad, don't ya tink?
    AUNTIE: Now you do old Aunite Poulet a turn, huh, maybe she help you.
    AUNTIE: Maybe she can give you a little juju after all of dis.
    AUNTIE: Give you some magic to give the law man the stink eye, hmmmmm?
     TOMMY: Look, this is all very, um... give me what?
     TOMMY: I,I, I think I've got the wrong address...
    AUNTIE: Do me these tings, Tommy......
    AUNTIE: The Cubans, nasty proud foofoos, mmm,
    AUNTIE: been making my lovely Haitian boys shake de heads.
    AUNTIE: Now they told the policeman where me been stashing my powders.
    AUNTIE: Dey tink it drugs, them stupid.
    AUNTIE: Now be a good boy Tommy and go and get the powders for Auntie Poulet.
     TOMMY: Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.
    --------------
    b. BOMBS AWAY!
    --------------
     TOMMY: Oh, sorry, I - I must have the wrong address...
    AUNTIE: Well, you might as well come in and rest your soles and have some tea.
    AUNTIE: Do you have something there for me, Tommy?
     TOMMY: Yeah...
     TOMMY: This place feels familiar to me,
     TOMMY: uh - it's - a smell from childhood - a deja vu...
    AUNTIE: Now Tommy, I'm going to whisper a lickle errand for you.
    AUNTIE: Hear me well, aye?
     TOMMY: You look like someone I, I...
    AUNTIE: The Cubans have fast boats they use to cross the seas with drugs.
    AUNTIE: It is their livelihood.
    AUNTIE: Me nephew bin making lickle flying bombs to take dem out.
    AUNTIE: Blow de boats to coffin wood.
     TOMMY: Thanks for the tea.
    -----------------
    c. DIRTY LICKIN'S
    -----------------
     TOMMY: Hello? Hello
     TOMMY: uh..I'm looking for somebody around here...
    AUNTIE: You looking hungry, Tommy.
     TOMMY: Do I know you?
    AUNTIE: Hush now.
    AUNTIE: One more ting an I can let you go, Tommy.
    AUNTIE: My boys gone war wit dem Cuban boys.
    AUNTIE: But no guns.
    AUNTIE: Hmm, but de Cubans have a surprise comin'.
    AUNTIE: While they fight in de streets,
    AUNTIE: you take this rifle and kill dem in de hubbub.
    AUNTIE: No one sees you, no one hear you.
    AUNTIE: Now, Tommy, you do this for me,
    AUNTIE: and you no longer tied to my apron strings.
     TOMMY: Kay auntie..
    ===============================================================================
    5.                     U M B E R T O  R O B I N A
    ===============================================================================
    -----------------------
    a. STUNT BOAT CHALLENGE
    -----------------------
    ALBERTO: Si, men?
    UMBERTO: Hey, easy Papi, this man's for me. You, you the boy?
    UMBERTO: Oh yeh. You the boy. I think so, you know?
      TOMMY: No. I don't think I do.
    UMBERTO: Oh yeah? You come here, tough guy.
    UMBERTO: You think you can take me on?
    UMBERTO: You think you can play stupid with me?
      TOMMY: No, I think you're playing plenty stupid enough for both of us.
    ALBERTO: Hey, he call you dumb, son.
    UMBERTO: And I call him a little girl, Papi.
    UMBERTO: Look at him, all dressed up like that.
    UMBERTO: What is this, ladies night?
    UMBERTO: You some kind of tough guy, you dress like a woman?
    UMBERTO: You got on panties like a woman too, huh?
      TOMMY: What you got against women? You prefer men, big boy?
    UMBERTO: I like women! I like all women! I love my mother, chico!
      TOMMY: Alright, alright, I'll take your word for it. Relax.
    UMBERTO: Can you drive, amigo?
      TOMMY: Yeah... like a woman.
    UMBERTO: Very funny. I like you, big boy. Maybe you can help.
    UMBERTO: Maybe you can prove you a man. Huh?
    UMBERTO: Take out the boat.
    UMBERTO: Show me you got some big cojones,
    UMBERTO: and not some little bitty chiquita ones.
    
     RICO: Hey, I'm Rico. You the man with the big cojones?
     RICO: Ok man, treat her like a woman.
    ----------------
    b. CANNON FODDER
    ----------------
      TOMMY: Un cafecito, por favor, Alberto..
    ALBERTO: No hay problema, Tommy.
    UMBERTO: Papi! Un gran problema!
    ALBERTO: Umberto my son, what happened?
    UMBERTO: The Haitians! I hate these Haitians!
    UMBERTO: They mess with me for the last time!
    UMBERTO: These Haitians! We take 'em out!
    UMBERTO: Only we need some backup.
    UMBERTO: I lost a few hermanos already out there.
    UMBERTO: Amigo, you drive good!
      TOMMY: For a woman. Right?
    UMBERTO: This is no time for joking!
    UMBERTO: Come on, drive for me again!
    UMBERTO: Take my boys over there, and then we'll take these Haitians down!
    UMBERTO: They mess with me, they mess with the biggest boy in town!
    -------------------
    c. NAVAL ENGAGEMENT
    -------------------
      TOMMY: Alberto. Una cafe, senor.
    UMBERTO: Poppa, don't serve this snake in the straw.
    UMBERTO: You're two-faced, Tommy!
    UMBERTO: You're either two-faced, or you're a wimp, baby boy!
    UMBERTO: The Haitians, man. They're laughing at me!
      TOMMY: Easy, easy. What's your problem?
    UMBERTO: They're laughing at me, Tommy. At me!
    UMBERTO: Umberto Robina! They're doing whatever they like!
      TOMMY: Nobody does whatever they like, Umberto, they do what you let them do.
    UMBERTO: What?
      TOMMY: You want somebody taken care of?
      TOMMY: I can handle it, but it's gonna cost you.
      TOMMY: I know we're brothers and all, but this is business.
    UMBERTO: Tommy. You a real man. Businessman, a gentleman.
    UMBERTO: These Haitians.
    UMBERTO: They have a load of product coming in off shore, really good stuff.
    UMBERTO: We take it, and we finish them.
    UMBERTO: You take it, and I look after you. Like my brother. Like my son.
      TOMMY: I think I prefer the cash to being bounced on your knee, amigo.
    ----------------
    d. TROJAN VOODOO
    ----------------
    UMBERTO: Hey, ladies. You know what I'm gonna do?
    UMBERTO: I'm gonna kill me a Haitian. And then?
    UMBERTO: And then I'm going to make love like a man.
    UMBERTO: You know that, chica? Something like this.
     WOMAN1: Loser!
     WOMAN2: Prick.
    UMBERTO: Hey, baby, I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole!
    UMBERTO: Umberto Robina, he likes the ladies! Not some goat in a skirt!
    UMBERTO: Tommy!! Tommy, I love you, I love you! Let's go!
      TOMMY: Go where? Can't I get a cup of coffee first?
    UMBERTO: No time for coffee! Besides, I just had one.
    UMBERTO: We gonna take out the Haitians.
    UMBERTO: Tommy, how do you take out a snake?
    UMBERTO: You bite him in the ass! Hahaha!
      TOMMY: Whatever you say, Umberto.
    UMBERTO: Tommy, you go and get us a little Haitian car.
    UMBERTO: When you get it, come back and pick up my boy.
    UMBERTO: Pepe, and take him out to the Haitians.
    UMBERTO: Then, you go around to the Haitians processing plant,
    UMBERTO: and you use their solvent as an explosive.
    UMBERTO: Boom! Bye bye!
      TOMMY: Umberto, what about you?
    UMBERTO: Uhh... I'm going to stay behind, and watch over the cafe with Poppa.
    UMBERTO: He not feeling so good. You know?
    ===============================================================================
    6.                         P H I L  C A S S I D Y
    ===============================================================================
    -------------
    a. GUN RUNNER
    -------------
    TOMMY: Phil?
     PHIL: RUN!
     PHIL: Run!
     PHIL: Hoooooweeeeee!
     PHIL: Never get a naked flame
     PHIL: too close to one of Phil Cassidy's Boomshine stills!
    TOMMY: Shit Phil, you drink that stuff?
     PHIL: Hell, you don't have to drink it
     PHIL: just a good whiff will set you off. Hoowwee!
    TOMMY: Listen Phil, you said you could fix me up with some firepower...
     PHIL: Sure thing.
     PHIL: There's some Mexican gun-runner been doing me for business of late.
     PHIL: He does his weekly run about now.
     PHIL: Ram his hardware off the back of his trucks before he goes to ground.
     PHIL: And you'd be doing me a favor while you're at it.
     PHIL: Then finish him off.
    -------------------
    b. BOOMSHINE SAIGON
    -------------------
    TOMMY: Hey Phil, how's it goin?
     PHIL: Heeyyyy, Tommy. Howyadoin'? Ish been too long...
    TOMMY: I swear you should lay off that boomshine, man,
    TOMMY: smells like paint stripper. Making my eyes burn...
     PHIL: Shshs shhh youshelf Tommy,
     PHIL: and come over here because there's someshin'
     PHIL: I wanna show you.. someshin.
    TOMMY: Woof! God! Should I be able to smell that from way over here?
    TOMMY: I'm feeling woozy.
     PHIL: Don'tchaworry about the shmell Tommy, you jush wash thish.
     PHIL: Shitty-cheap-batteriesh or shumin'. There'sh shum more on the bench.
     PHIL: TA-DAAA!
     PHIL: Aww Damn! 
     PHIL: Ha ha ha ha ha!
    ===============================================================================
    7.            A S S A S S I N A T I O N  M I S S I O N S
    ===============================================================================
    ------------
    a. ROAD KILL
    ------------
    CALLER: Mr. Teal, your help in eradicating those out-of-towners
    CALLER: was invaluable to business. I have more work for you
    CALLER: with a more 'hands-on' approach.
    CALLER: Your next job is taped under the phone.
    -----------------
    b. WASTE THE WIFE
    -----------------
    CALLER: My compliments on a job well done Mr. Teal. My client was very pleased.
    CALLER: I have more work for you with a more 'hands-on' approach.
    CALLER: Your next job is taped under the phone.
    -----------
    c. AUTOCIDE
    -----------
    CALLER: A European gang plans to hit a bank in Vice City.
    CALLER: My employers would rather this didn't happen.
    CALLER: Each member of the gang has a cover while they are here in Vice City.
    CALLER: Some have menial jobs, others are on vacation.
    CALLER: Each target and their likely whereabouts are taped under the phone.
    ----------------------------
    d. CHECK OUT AT THE CHECK IN
    ----------------------------
    CALLER: Time to fry bigger fish, Mr. Teal.
    CALLER: There's a rifle in the foliage to your right.
    CALLER: Watch the woman standing on the balcony above the check-in desks.
    CALLER: She will walk through the crowd and ask someone the time.
    CALLER: You must kill that person, retrieve his case
    CALLER: and take it to the location taped under the phone.
    -------------
    e. LOOSE ENDS
    -------------
    CALLER: There is a valuable exchange taking place on the roof
    CALLER: of the Cherry Popper Ice Cream Company.
    CALLER: Kill everyone involved, steal the merchandise and
    CALLER: take it to the helipad at the airport.
    CALLER: There is a gate to your left that leads to the back of the factory.
    
    ===============================================================================
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    V.                         ASSET MISSION SCRIPTS
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    ===============================================================================
    1.                       S U N S H I N E  A U T O S
    ===============================================================================
       BJ: B.J. Smith. And you must be Mr. Vercetti.
       BJ: Would you like the tour?
    TOMMY: Might as well.
       BJ: Well, I'm very sad to be selling the dealership to y'all.
       BJ: This was my first investment after I turned pro.
       BJ: But now it's time for me to move on.
    TOMMY: You're leaving town?
    TOMMY: Not in too much of a hurry, I hope?
       BJ: No. I'm just coming out of retirement,
       BJ: and preparing for my future comeback.
       BJ: The business wasn't too strong,
       BJ: and my staff took it upon themselves to get a bit more
       BJ: creative with the generation of wealth.
       BJ: Obviously, I could wind down the business before I hand it over.
       BJ: Hell, I could burn the place down if I wanted to.
       BJ: This is prime development land.
    TOMMY: Oh, I wouldn't worry about any of that.
    TOMMY: This place seems perfect.
       BJ: Yeh it does, So I take it we have a deal?
    ===============================================================================
    2.      C H E R R Y  P O P P E R  I C E  C R E A M  F A C T O R Y
    ===============================================================================
     LADY: Who are you?
    TOMMY: Your new owner.
     LADY: Were you now, or at any time, a child?
    TOMMY: What are you talking about?
     LADY: Were you a child!?
    TOMMY: Yes! Calm down! What's wrong with you?
     LADY: I knew it. A child.
     LADY: A dirty, stinking, sniveling, snotting, vile, puking, crying little baby
     LADY: A baby!.. an awful, horrible, disgusting little boo hoo.
     LADY: Mommy doesn't love you. You little shit!
    TOMMY: Ow! Calm down.
     LADY: I HATE babies, and I hate children.
     LADY: They're dirty, sniveling, snotting, vile, puking little..
    TOMMY: Enough already! What's wrong with you?
    TOMMY: You make soft ice cream, okay? It's purely for kids.
    TOMMY: What kind of psycho are you?
    TOMMY: Just so I understand this, why make children happy if you hate them?
     LADY: Oh, you stupid, sniveling, snotty...
    TOMMY: Shut up!
     LADY: Brat!
     LADY: The ice cream is a front.
     LADY: We distribute other, non-dairy products.
     LADY: And if I see a kid, I put him to good use.
     LADY: Don't I, kiddies? Yes - yes, I do. Mummy doesn't love you.
     LADY: She HATES you!
    ===============================================================================
    3.                           B O A T Y A R D
    ===============================================================================
    TOMMY: Hello? Hel-lo?! Hello?
    DUDE1: Put it out. There's a dude here.
    DUDE1: Hey suit dude! I guess you're the new owner?
    TOMMY: Yeah. Which one of the boats is the fastest?
    DUDE1: It's already in the water, dude,
    DUDE1: I though you might want to try her out.
    DUDE2: Dude, she's already running with a 300 horse power engine...
    DUDE1: and the fiberglass hull, she just shoots through the waves!
    DUDE2: She can do like zero to sixty in four seconds flat dude...
    DUDE1: and she can hold like twenty bales
    DUDE1: of the best Jamaican smoke right in the hull!
    DUDE2: So go ahead dude, she's ready to fly!
    DUDE1: Yo yo, uh, suit dude, you gotta light?
    DUDE1: Dude? Dude?
    ===============================================================================
    4.                        K A U F M A N  C A B S
    ===============================================================================
     LADY: Guess you're the new owner.
     LADY: What are you, mob? Cartel? You don't look Mexican...
     LADY: Anyhoo, I guess you better get on with the
     LADY: 'things are gonna change around here' crap,
     LADY: maybe threaten one of the drivers
     LADY: go steady on Ted over there, he's just had his hernia fixed.
    TOMMY: Well, yeah. Things are going to change around here, lady.
     LADY: Oh crap, sonny. Might as well leave this to me
     LADY: I've been doing this for years.
     LADY: Now hear this.
     LADY: We are now under new management
     LADY: and things are going to change around here again.
     LADY: Our new management, the -
     LADY: Which gang are you?
    TOMMY: Well, I'm not part of any gang actually.
     LADY: What's your goddamned name, kid?
    TOMMY: Vercetti, Tommy Vercetti.
     LADY: Our new management, the Vercetti Gang,
     LADY: is gonna make sure we get no trouble.
     LADY: Capiche? Out!
     LADY: Did you like the 'capiche'? I liked the 'capiche'.
     LADY: So this is how it's worked in the past,
     LADY: We run the firm as usual.
     LADY: If we get any trouble from rival firms, you beat the crap out of them.
     LADY: Then they beat the crap out of us,
     LADY: then you beat the crap out of them,
     LADY: etcetera, etcetera. You got it?
    TOMMY: Uh, yeah, I guess...
     LADY: Just grab a taxi from the garage if you feel like jumping in.
    ------
    a. VIP
    ------
    FEMALE VOICE: Ok, we got a high class fare
    FEMALE VOICE: needs picking up from Starfish island - any takers?
           TOMMY: Tommy here, I'll take it!
    
    TAXI DRIVER: This is my fare, back off asshole!
    
          TOMMY: Come on come on, Get in, quick!
            VIP: Ok, ok! Just don't hurt me!  
    -------------------
    b. FRIENDLY RIVALRY
    -------------------
    FEMALE VOICE: Calling all cars, we're losing fares all over town.
    FEMALE VOICE: What's with you guys?
      MALE VOICE: VC Cabs keep beating us to it.
      MALE VOICE: They've just got too many cars - we can't compete!
    FEMALE VOICE: Mr. Vercetti, if you're out there listening in,
    FEMALE VOICE: you gotta put some VC Cabs out of action before we go bust!
    --------------
    c. CABMAGEDDON
    --------------
    FEMALE VOICE: Car 13, We got a Miss Cortez, asked for you especially.
           TOMMY: Ok, I got it. Car 13 out!
    
    TOMMY: Hmmmm, no sign of Mercedes...
    TAXI DRIVER1: It's time for Kaufman Cab's guardian angel to eat some fender!
    TAXI DRIVER2: Hey boy I'm gonna tan your hide!
    ===============================================================================
    5.                         T H E  M A L I B U
    ===============================================================================
    -------------
    a. NO ESCAPE?
    -------------
      KEN: Tommy! Hey, Tommy, look at this, this is great!
      KEN: I've got us this minibar installed!
    TOMMY: We got a whole bar downstairs, Ken.
      KEN: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Well, I got the chalkboard you asked for.
    TOMMY: Ah, that's the benefit of a law school education;
    TOMMY: the ability to follow instructions.
    TOMMY: Now, I need a safe man.
      KEN: Oh, all right, well, let me think...safe, safe, safe, safe
      KEN: I got it! This guy will blow you away!
      KEN: Ahh, nah, that schmuck. He's on the inside.
    TOMMY: Where inside?
      KEN: In a police headquarter cell awaiting transfer.
    TOMMY: I think he's about to get paroled....
    
    TOMMY: Cam Jones?
      CAM: Yeah, that's me..
    TOMMY: I'm busting you out!
      CAM: Whatever you say!
    
    CAM: Lose the heat and get me back to my place!
    
    TOMMY: I'm gonna be doing a job and you're my safe cracker.
      CAM: Beats losing my ass in a cell!
    ---------------
    b. THE SHOOTIST
    ---------------
    TOMMY: We need a stick up man. You know one?
      KEN: Hey, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, this stuff keeps you sharp, man.
      KEN: WoooOOOooo!
      KEN: I could be your stick up man! Stick 'em up! Stick 'em up!
    TOMMY: You ain't a stick up man, you're an idiot.
    TOMMY: Now get yourself a drink and shut up.
      KEN: Hey, get outta my way! Yeh yeh yeh - ow ow ow!
      CAM: Relax
    TOMMY: Cam, what do you think?
      CAM: Well, the best shooter in this town is a guy named Cassidy.
    TOMMY: Is that so?
      CAM: Yeah. A military guy, or he thinks he is.
      CAM: I doubt he was ever in the army,
      CAM: but he certainly knows how to get a hold of guns.
      CAM: He'll be down at the shooting range.
    
    TOMMY: You Phil Cassidy?
     PHIL: Why?
    TOMMY: I'm looking for a man who can handle a gun.
    TOMMY: From this setup, I'm not too convinced.
     PHIL: Son, I could shoot a fly off your head at 80 feet.
    TOMMY: Oh really?
     PHIL: Yeah. I learnt in the army.
    TOMMY: Fly shooting real popular in the army? Glad I don't pay tax.
     PHIL: You tryin' to be funny kid?
     PHIL: Ha ha ha ha ha!
     PHIL: Let's shoot.
    
    TOMMY: So you wanna do me a favor, and help me put together a job?
     PHIL: Son, after shooting like that,
     PHIL: if you asked me to be your wife, I'd say yes.
    -------------
    c. THE DRIVER
    -------------
    TOMMY: Things are starting to come together nicely here.
      KEN: What's the plan, Tommy? Que pasa, amigo?
    TOMMY: The plan is you keep doing that like a moron. Anyhow, we need a driver.
      KEN: Tommy, I'll do it. I can drive.
     PHIL: You want Hilary, mister. Not some smart-talking law school chump.
     PHIL: Hilary's the real deal. You ain't never seen anyone drive so fast.
     PHIL: I'll give him a call here.
     PHIL: Hey Hil, it's Phil. How's it going? No. don't talk.
     PHIL: We'll reminisce later. You want to do me a favor?
     PHIL: I got me a guy from up north.
     PHIL: No, no, I don't think he was in the service, but he wants a driver.
     PHIL: For a bit of action. Okay, I understand.
    TOMMY: What'd he say?
     PHIL: Well, he'll do it, no problem. Well, there might be a little problem
     PHIL: see, he has abandonment issues.
     PHIL: Seems he won't work for anyone who can't beat him.
     PHIL: Something to do with his momma.
     PHIL: Anyway, he wants to race you first, said he'd meet you outside..
    
    HILARY: You Tommy? Of course you're Tommy, I mean,
    HILARY: Why else would anyone want to speak to me?
    HILARY: OK. Consider it this way;
    HILARY: I'll drive for you IF, and only IF, you can drive properly.
    HILARY: Leave me alone - and I'll never forgive you.
    
    HILARY: Ok. I'll drive for you, but please, treat me bad.
    ----------
    d. THE JOB
    ----------
     TOMMY: As you can see, gentlemen,
     TOMMY: this is going to be the easiest buck we ever made.
       KEN: Tommy, seriously, you gotta consider going into law.
      PHIL: What the hell are you smoking, man? This ain't no simple plan!
      PHIL: Well, who needs a simple plan anyway?
      PHIL: Take communism, now that was a simple plan.
      PHIL: Didn't do Russia any favors, huh?
     TOMMY: Calm down, all right?
     TOMMY: With a team like this it's going to be no problem.
     TOMMY: We got Cam on safe. Phil? You and me will handle security,
     TOMMY: and Hilary'll drive the getaway car.
       KEN: Uh, heh heh, aren't you forgetting somebody?
       KEN: Somebody who helped you to no end in this town? Somebody who...
     TOMMY: Ken... Ken, that's right. Ken here,
     TOMMY: he washes the money for us and he keeps the drinks on ice.
    HILARY: I don't understand what I am supposed to be doing here.
     TOMMY: Look, it's easy. Haven't you ever seen a movie?
     TOMMY: We walk into the bank, we wave the gun around, and leave very rich men.
    
     TOMMY: I'll drive.
    HILARY: Great. A passenger. Wait 'til I tell the group about this.
    
       CAM: Tommy, Hilary's taking up too much room!
    HILARY: I am not!
       CAM: Are too!
     TOMMY: Hey, shut up you two, or you can get out and walk.
       CAM: Yeah - HILARY.
    
    TOMMY: For god's sake, Phil, stop waving that thing around!
    
     TOMMY: Keep driving around the block, OK?
    HILARY: Okay, Tommy, okay.
    
    TOMMY: Ok, guys. Nice an easy just as we planned.
    
    TOMMY: THIS IS A RAID!
     PHIL: NOBODY MOVE!
    TOMMY: EVERYBODY UP AGAINST THAT WALL!
    TOMMY: Phil, hold down the fort!
     PHIL: Wilco roger that!
    TOMMY: Come on Cam, the vault's upstairs...
    
      CAM: Damn! It's a Flange 9000!
      CAM: This could take hours to crack,
      CAM: Or five minutes if you could find the manager.
    TOMMY: I'll go find where he's holed up.
    
    TOMMY: Phil, things still sweet?
     PHIL: Sure. Everything's reeaal quiet.
    
     TOMMY: You - you're coming with me!
       MAN: Ok! Ok! Just don't shoot!
    
    PHIL: I SAID NOBODY MOVE!
    
      MAN: It's on a time lock,
      MAN: You might as well give up now!
      CAM: Hell, I can bypass the time lock,
      CAM: Then we just need your key code and we're good!
    TOMMY: Stay here. You try anything and you're dead.
    TOMMY: I'm gonna check on Phil, I'll be right back.
    
    PHIL: I told you not to touch that alarm!
    PHIL: The SWAT team will be here any minute!
    PHIL: I could do with some help here, Tommy!
    
    POLICE: Vice City S.W.A.T! You are completely surrounded!
    
     PHIL: Surrounded? HA HA HA HAAAAAaaa!
     PHIL: They're crapping themselves, corrupt bastards!
      CAM: Tommy! The vault's open!
    TOMMY: Ok, we got the SWAT retirement fund. Let's get out of here!
    
    POLICE: Ok, you asked for it! You've had your last chance!
    
    PHIL: They're storming the place!
    PHIL: Take cover!
    
    PHIL: That's the last of them. GO! GO! GO!
    
      PHIL: Shit! Where's Hilary?
    HILARY: Hey guys! Get in! I got you covered!
    
        PHIL: We made it! We're rich! RICH!
    MERCEDES: Tommy, would you like a massage?
       TOMMY: Well, Hi there, Mercedes! Yeah, I'm a little tense...
        PAUL: What'd I tell you Tommy? What'd I tell you?
        PAUL: Bent SWAT better watch out when Kent Paul is in town.
        PAUL: Come on, gimme a bigger slice, mate, c'mon.
        PAUL: I gotta get some new threads.
    ===============================================================================
    6.                        F I L M  S T U D I O
    ===============================================================================
    --------------------
    a. RECRUITMENT DRIVE
    --------------------
    STEVE: Action.
     GIRL: Whoa! Now that's big.
      MAN: 12 inches. That is regulation baby.
    STEVE: CUT!! Who IS this idiot? You! YOU! Why are you in my space? WHY?
    TOMMY: What is all this crap?
    TOMMY: Aliens? Fishing poles?
    TOMMY: Who's ever seen a shark that big?
    TOMMY: All this stuff's gotta go.
    TOMMY: Why'd you get in this business, ya prick?
    TOMMY: Huh?
    TOMMY: For the pussy, that's why! What is this??
    STEVE: This is my art - SECURITY!
    TOMMY: Look, you pompous asshole, I own you now. I own all of this.
    TOMMY: We're gonna turn this place around...
    TOMMY: I'm gonna make you rich.
    STEVE: Uh. You're - You - you're Tommy Vercetti? But I thought that you were...
    TOMMY: That's right.
    TOMMY: We're gonna be making some changes around here
    TOMMY: and start making some real money.
    STEVE: Actually, have you ever thought about, umm...
    TOMMY: But first we're going to need some good-looking broads.
    STEVE: Yeh, girls are fine but you... whew!
    
    TOMMY: Yo, Candy. I'm looking for movie talent - you interested?
    CANDY: Sure! But, you'd have to talk to my agent...
     PIMP: The HELL are you doin'?
     PIMP: You should have stayed at home today!
    
       TOMMY: Hey Mercedes!
    MERCEDES: Hey Tommy! You wanna party?
       TOMMY: Not now sweets. You interested in doing some movies?
    MERCEDES: Of course. As long as it's cheap and sleazy.
       TOMMY: Heh heh - you're hired!
    
    MERCEDES: Tommy, you coming in for a warm-up?
       TOMMY: Maybe later, babe...
    
    MERCEDES: Whoa, cool shark!
    -------------
    b. DILDO DODO
    -------------
    TOMMY: How's filming going, Steve?
    STEVE: Well, Candy is a natural and that new girl - she's insatiable!
    STEVE: She went through half the cast and crew
    STEVE: before I even took a light reading.
    STEVE: Anyway, hey, tomorrow we're going on location to shoot the boat scenes
    TOMMY: Boat scenes?! What boat scenes?
    STEVE: The fishermen are in the throes of passion
    STEVE: when this giant shark comes in -
    TOMMY: What'd I say about the giant shark?
    TOMMY: I said, 'NO GIANT SHARK', alright?
    TOMMY: Just keep the cameras pointed at the poontang!
    STEVE: Ok ok, hey Tommy, a guy's gotta try, right?
    TOMMY: Get those flyers printed up?
    STEVE: Yeah, but nobody's gonna let us distribute those things, I mean
    STEVE: They're just too, uh, they're unimaginative.
    TOMMY: You don't worry about that.
    TOMMY: I've got my own ideas for distribution.
    STEVE: O.K. Hey, Candy, uh - in my trailer.
    --------------------
    c. MARTHA'S MUG SHOT
    --------------------
    TOMMY: Ok, what's the problem now?
    STEVE: SSShhhh!
    STEVE: Well, after his close encounter with the nympho-invaders,
    STEVE: our hero finds himself unable to think of anything
    STEVE: but this huge phallic mountain -
    STEVE: and that's when I want to do the scene with the vat of mashed potatoes,
    STEVE: but then we, uh -
    TOMMY: I don't give a crap about that!
    TOMMY: J - Just keep going, keep going!
    TOMMY: You mentioned something about some legal problem on the phone?
    STEVE: Congressman Alex Shrub has jumped on the pre-election bandwagon,
    STEVE: he's going after the puritan vote. 
    STEVE: Rumors are he's gonna support measures to restrict, shall we say,
    STEVE: the more fleshy aspects of this nation's great entertainment industry.
    TOMMY: Candy! You know Shrub,
    TOMMY: you guys get up to anything kinky?
    CANDY: Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah! Yes yes yes YES OOOoooh!
    STEVE: Please - tell me you got that.
    TOMMY: Was that part of the, uh... or was she talking to..?
    STEVE: Hey, I can never tell. Anyway...
    STEVE: You're probably best following her after the shoot,
    STEVE: see if she'll lead you to their new love nest.
    TOMMY: You got a camera?
    STEVE: Yeah. Get him a camera.
    
    CANDY: Hey!
    SHRUB: Uh, Candy, could you call me Martha?
    CANDY: Oh Alex - I mean Martha. Whatever you say...
    
    CANDY: Martha, someone's watching.. how kinky.
    
    BODYGUARD: You! Give me that camera!
    --------------
    d. G-SPOTLIGHT
    --------------
    CANDY: I'm sorry, but I just can't swallow this right now.
    STEVE: Oh COME ON darling!
    STEVE: He's hung like a sperm whale for pity's sake,
    STEVE: how can you not feel the part?!
    CANDY: But Stevie...
    TOMMY: How's my star director?
    STEVE: Oh, man. The struggle between the artistic integrity and
    STEVE: the humping, pumping action continues unabated.
    STEVE: And before you ask, yes, all four videos will be released by their...
    STEVE: Honey, can you PLEASE keep the anaconda in the shot,
    STEVE: he costs more per hour than you do!
    CANDY: Oh, sorry Steve.
    TOMMY: I was thinking,
    TOMMY: we need some kind of big stunt to really promote the launch.
    TOMMY: Something that will make a real impact on the City - you got any ideas?
    STEVE: Well, in the old days they used to have gala events,
    STEVE: stars, limos, the night sky crisscrossed with searchlights...
    TOMMY: Searchlights! I've got an idea...
    STEVE: ...yeah, yeah, yeah. The little sequined numbers,
    STEVE: and the limos, oh, premieres
    STEVE: Oh, yes ma'am, of course ma'am,
    STEVE: and the press, and the barrage of lights...
    ===============================================================================
    7.                        P R I N T  W O R K S
    ===============================================================================
    ---------------------
    a. SPILLING THE BEANS
    ---------------------
    KELLY: Mr. Vercetti? Hey. You bought the old print works?
    TOMMY: Yeah, my old man used to work on these.
    TOMMY: I used to spend the evenings with him, cleaning the rollers...
    TOMMY: I was going to follow him in his trade, but...I lived a different life.
    KELLY: You planning on selling the old machinery, breaking it down?
    TOMMY: I'm thinking we might print something - a newspaper, a magazine...
    KELLY: Oh, crap, sonny, low grade crap. I've always fancied printing money.
    KELLY: It ain't too hard.
    KELLY: You know, I've been doing it on a small scale for years.
    TOMMY: Really?
    KELLY: Sure. But we'd need some good quality plates.
    KELLY: Of course!
    KELLY: There's a counterfeiting syndicate already operating in Florida.
    TOMMY: A syndicate?
    KELLY: Yeah. Just rumors is all I've heard.
    TOMMY: I know a man who's good with rumors...
    
     PAUL: Look at the arse on that!
     PAUL: Awright girl, it's your loss mate init!
     PAUL: Awright me ol'china, how's it hangin'?
    TOMMY: What do you know about counterfeiting?
     PAUL: Oh I'm fine Paul, how 'bout you?
    TOMMY: Come 'ere!
     PAUL: Awright! Awright! Awright!! You're obviously a busy man.
     PAUL: All I know about dodgy readys is the Triads supply the plates.
     PAUL: They've got a shipping company down the docks,
     PAUL: the boss man would know when the plates are coming in next!
    TOMMY: Thanks...Paul!
     PAUL: What's the matter with you, you maniac!
     PAUL: Give me another drink, lively!
    
    BOSS: Who are you? Oooof! Aaiieee! Not the face! Not the face!
    BOSS: Ok, I talk! I talk!
    ------------------
    b. HIT THE COURIER
    ------------------
    TOMMY: Alright, the courier's moving the plates from the docks today.
    TOMMY: I'm gonna go intercept them, grab the plates, lose any heat,
    TOMMY: and make my way back here.
    TOMMY: Now. Depending how well this goes,
    TOMMY: we may have five minutes to print the money
    TOMMY: before the counterfeit syndicate finds us, or we may have all year.
    TOMMY: Either way, I want green rolling off the presses
    TOMMY: five minutes after I get back. Got it?
    KELLY: Don't you worry Tommy. We'll be ready.
    LANCE: Me an'the boys will be around in the neighborhood
    LANCE: case you need any heat taken care of.
    TOMMY: All right, everybody cool? All right. I'll catch you later...
    ===============================================================================
     VI.                            CREDITS
    
    - Rockstar North for making GTA: Vice City.
    
    - Rockstar Games for publishing GTA: Vice City.
    
    - Me for typing this FAQ ;)
    
    - vercetti_006 for telling me about an error I had in the "Death Row" script.
    
    - chandlerbing for telling me about an error in "Recruitment Drive".
    
    - David Green for telling me about an error in "Keep Your Friends Close".
    
    - Kent_Paul_1986 for telling me about an error in the Intro script.
    ===============================================================================
    VII.                          LEGAL JUNK
    
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    ===============================================================================
     © Copyright 2003-2004  eL dudE (Nathan V.)