# Tom Stranger raped Thordis Elva – but they prefer the word ‘perpetrator’ not rapist

## I feel apprehensive about meeting Tom Stranger and Thordis Elva. Their situation is so unusual, it is almost troubling. In […]

I feel apprehensive about meeting Tom Stranger and Thordis Elva.

Their situation is so unusual, it is almost troubling.

In 1996, Stranger, then 18, was in a relationship with 16-year-old Elva. An exchange student from Australia at her school in Iceland, they went to the Christmas dance together. It was the first time she had tried rum and she became very drunk. That night he raped her.

Twenty years on from the rape, they now deliver talks together and have even co-authored a book, “South of Forgiveness”, about how they began this journey to reaching reconciliation.

Given the candid and vulnerable moments in their book, and their emotional Ted talk, I am taken aback by how guarded they first appear. Perhaps some bad press – aimed mainly at Stranger – has made them more controlled.

They hope to use Stranger’s insight to address male attitudes towards violence, but giving a platform to someone who has admitted rape has angered some people, and led to the cancellation of Elva and Stranger’s planned talk at the Southbank Centre’s Women of the World festival, although they were able to speak a few days later separately from the event. Stranger has now decided to give the entirety of the proceeds from the book to charity (he was always going to donate a portion) reserving no profit for himself.

## Not friends

Despite the very personal and confrontational journey they have taken, there is a sense of distance between them, not helped by them sitting on either side of a large table.

> Even an incapacitated person has human rights, even an incapacitated person is not an object for anyone else’s urges
> 
> **Thordis Elva**

Elva says they are not friends – that would be too “simplistic” a term.

Rather they see themselves as “collaborators,” which initially appears to conflict with a passage from their book where Elva describes how they said goodbye to each other in Cape Town.

The two had met there – halfway between both of their homes – to talk about what happened that night, in person. At that point it had been 17 years since the night he raped her – they had been corresponding for eight years about what happened. Elva suggested the face-to-face meeting.

> “For a few eternal moments, we’re standing still. I bury my face in his neck and enjoy hugging him wholeheartedly, without hesitation or fear. At last, I muster the willpower to let go of him.”
> 
> **South of Forgiveness, page 280**

Speaking in London, Elva says of the passage: “You’re referencing a very cathartic moment after a lot of very confrontational work had taken place that left us both extremely vulnerable.

“It’s not reflective of the connection or the collaboration we have today. It was a very emotional moment.”

It appears that they are both at a place where they have come to terms with what happened in 1996. But I am curious to know how Stranger feels when Elva says that he hurt her “deeply” and caused her “a great deal of pain”.

## No detachment

“There’s not a detachment from it, there’s not a comfort in having this conversation, there’s not an ease with which I speak to the pain that I inflicted, nor should there be,” Stranger responds.

“After Cape Town, there has been a difference in emotion but it’s not as if it has a lightness now… But in terms of having unresolved guilt or shame – I’m not sitting here riddled with self-hatred either. 

“I’ve just owned that and I want to speak very plainly to my actions and the hurt that I caused. I also recognise that I’m not going to be able to contribute to the telling of our story if I’m not in a place where I can see it as part of myself but not all of who I am.”

> The onus is always on the perpetrator, who made the choice to abuse someone else, as opposed to the person subjected to that abuse.
> 
> **Thordis Elva**

Stranger “dropped my denial and recognised my act as rape” when Elva first contacted him with a letter sent in 2005.

He reiterates that he is not seeking to benefit, either financially or otherwise from sharing his story. He also wants to make clear that he is not advocating that perpetrators contact survivors of sexual violence. 

Elva and Stranger are not preaching impunity either, and say that they discussed criminal charges but decided it would not be an appropriate route for them, nor would it have been possible. 

Nonetheless, they understand the opposition they have faced, particularly by giving Stranger a platform.

## ‘Painful’ subject

Sexual violence is a “painful” subject, says Elva. But they are trying to challenge the normalisation of sexual violence in a world where “we have one of the most powerful people in the world dismissing sexual violence as locker room talk [and] where very few perpetrators actually take responsibility for their actions. 

“What we’re trying to do is the very opposite, say that it shouldn’t be normal. We need to challenge those toxic attitudes. Here we have a perpetrator who is stepping forward and owning his actions and taking full responsibility for them. And that’s the antithesis of normalisation.”

## Perpetrator, not rapist

Both are keen to reform the way sexual violence is spoken about.

They prefer to use the word “perpetrator” to “rapist”. Stranger says he is not seeking to use sanitised or sympathetic language, but the word “rapist” can prevent analysis of the behaviour.

“Whereas perpetrator is an act and below an act is an attitude or a behaviour. So I think sometimes the language can be counter to really looking at this and going a bit deeper to see what perpetuates these attitudes.”

Elva says it took her nine years to get in touch with Stranger because of the myth that rape was committed by “monsters”.

“In reality most often it’s someone that you know and trust,” she says. 

“I guess this monster myth that I have mentioned got in the way of my recovery. I think it also contributed to Tom’s denial because he didn’t see himself as a monster. I think that the monster myth… silences and shames survivors. It hurts them more than anyone.”

## Not a women’s issue

They are not promoting a formula for dealing with sexual violence. But they want to make rape less of a “women’s issue,” shifting the focus from the survivor to the rapist. Placing a spotlight on the motivations for sexual violence might reduce the victim-blaming culture, argues Elva. 

She explains she did blame herself initially. “My shame and self-blame had a lot to do with the fact that that night [of the rape] I decided to drink rum for the first time and I’d gotten very drunk to the point where I was incapacitated and unable to move a limb and utter a word. 

“For a long time I carried shame for having gotten myself in that situation when in reality, even an incapacitated person has human rights, even an incapacitated person is not an object for anyone else’s urges… I think that is something that is a common trait for survivors because of how pervasive victim-blaming is in our society.

“I think that if we were to understand as a society that the onus is always on the perpetrator, who made the choice to abuse someone else, as opposed to the person subjected to that abuse, we would make a huge leap towards to finding solutions, creating a healthier attitude and lessening violence,” she adds.

## Education on sexual violence

Education on sexual violence and consent is key to changing attitudes. But Elva and Stranger think education currently has too much of a biological focus and is less about healthy relationships and consent. The importance of boundaries and respect for other people’s bodies also needs to be reinforced. 

The events of 1996 show that Stranger had a very “gross misconception” of sex, says Elva. 

He admits it too, saying that a mixture of attitudes led to his actions including “a sense of deserving”. 

“I had role models when I was younger,” he says. “It was not as if it was encouraged for me to step over that line. But certainly if it’s just sexual education in a biological sense without speaking to the other part, which is around healthy relationships, mutual agreement on sex, consent… there is a desperate need for that conversation to happen in an education setting.”

Stranger hopes that conversations about sexual violence will take place between fathers and sons, too.

## Forgiveness

South of Forgiveness, published more than 20 years after Stranger raped Elva in Iceland, contains the moment she forgave him for his actions.

It was not her way of “laying [her] blessing,” she says now. Rather it was an “act of self interest”.

“Forgiveness was for me to set myself free from the self-blame that I wrongly shouldered.”

Stranger says he did not expect to hear words of forgiveness, adding that it was a “symbolic, powerful moment”. 

“The power of words shouldn’t be underestimated but it’s not as if her forgiveness detached me from my actions on that night.”