St Theresa's nnwere onwe Ụtọasụsụ steeti ụlọ akwụkwọ

The New Coalition Academy bụ kọlụm na Private Eye nke na-egosipụta ọchịchị njikọ aka UK nke David Cameron na Nick Clegg[1] na-edu dị ka a ga-asị na ha na-eweghara ụlọ akwụkwọ na-ada ada.  Ihe omume nke mbụ [2] kọwara na ụlọ akwụkwọ agụmakwụkwọ nọchiri anya "Brown's Comprehensive" na ụkpụrụ ọhụrụ bụ "Duo in Uno" (Latin maka "Abụọ na Otu").

Site na Mee 2015 ụlọ akwụkwọ mmuta ahụ gbanwere aha "Cameron Free School", na-egosipụta ọchịchị ọtụtụ ndị Conservative.

Na July 2016 ụlọ akwụkwọ ahụ ahagharịrị aha "St Theresa's Independent State Grammar School for Girls (na Boys)"  Na-esochi ntuli aka izugbe nke 2017, ụlọ akwụkwọ ahụ webatara William III Orange Academy, n'ịtụ aka na nkwekọrịta ntụkwasị obi na ọkọnọ nke Democratic Unionist Party nwetara na ozi nke abụọ nke Theresa May.

Ọ na-agụnyekarị ozi onye isi ụlọ ọrụ, ọ bụ ezie na a na-eji ozi sitere n'aka onye isi oche dochie ya mgbe ụfọdụ.  A na-egbutukarị ozi osote onye isi n'ihi "ohere ezughi oke"  Kemgbe 2016, The Bursar Writes dochie Ozi osote onye isi…, nke a na-ebipụkwa mkpụmkpụ, agbanyeghị.

## Ụmụ agwa 2015–16

* David Cameron bụ onyeisi oche.  Nick Clegg bụ osote onye isi ụlọ ọrụ.   Miriam Clegg bụ nwunye osote onye isi ụlọ ọrụ na-achọghị ka ụmụ ya gaa Academy, kama na ụlọ akwụkwọ nkeonwe.   George Osborne bụ onye Bursar.   Danny Alexander bụ onye inyeaka ya.   Vince Cable bụ onye isi mmụta mmụta azụmahịa.   John Bercow bụ onye isi otu ọgbakọ arụmụka.   Rupert Murdoch bụ onye ego ụlọ akwụkwọ na Rebekah Brooks bụ onye na-elekọta ya.   Andy Coulson bụ nwa akwụkwọ na-akparị mmadụ nke onye isi ụlọ akwụkwọ tinyere nwa oge na bọọdụ ụlọ akwụkwọ.   Anna Soubry na-akụzi na ngalaba mmụta ndị agha.   Chris Grayling bụ Nna-ukwu Ọrụ nke akwalitera ịbụ onye isi nke ịdọ aka ná ntị.   Boris Johnson bụ enyi nke onye isi ụlọ ọrụ nke a na-ewere dị ka onye isi nwere ike ịbụ onye isi na ya mere onye isi ụlọ na-akparị ya mgbe niile.   Liam Fox bụ onye isi CCF bụ onye nwetara nsogbu maka ikwe ka enyi ya Adam Werritty pụta na klaasị ya n'enweghị ikike.   David Davis bụbu onye ọrụ nke nwara ịghọ onye isi.   Theresa May bụ onye isi ịdọ aka ná ntị.   Michael Gove bụ onye nduzi usoro ọmụmụ, na-abụkarị "oche ọjọọ".   Lord Coe bụ onye isi mmụta anụ ahụ bụ onye eboro ebubo ịhazi ụbọchị egwuregwu.   Dennis Skinner bụ onye jigidere ụlọ akwụkwọ ochie.   Chris Huhne arụkwaghịm arụkwaghịm dị ka onye isi ọmụmụ gbasara gburugburu ebe obibi.  Ya na odeakwụkwọ ya bụ Carina Trimmingham na-enwe mmekọrịta.   Ed Davey bụ onye isi ọhụrụ nke ọmụmụ gburugburu ebe obibi.   Andrew Lansley na-ahụ maka ịhazigharị Sanitorium.   A maara Rowan Williams dị ka Reverend Beardie ma bụrụ ụkọchukwu nke Academy ruo mgbe ọ ga-apụ na Disemba wee dochie Justin Welby (Reverend Oilwellby), onye na-arụ ọrụ ọdụ ụgbọ ala mpaghara.   Enyere Jeremy Hunt ka ọ na-arụ ụlọ ịsa ahụ, ebe o bu n'obi ịwụnye efere satịlaịtị n'elu ụlọ.   Andrew Mitchell bụ onye isi ndị ọrụ ịdọ aka ná ntị nwetara nsogbu maka iwe iwe ya na ụfọdụ ndị nche ụlọ akwụkwọ.  E mechara manye ya ịgba arụkwaghịm.   Justin Welby bụ onye ụkọchukwu ụlọ akwụkwọ.   Justine Greening bụ onye nkuzi na-emegide mmeghe nke ụzọ nke atọ n'ụlọ akwụkwọ n'ihi na o bi nso ya.   Nadine Dorries bụ onye nkuzi chọrọ ịgbanye dartboard n'ụlọ akwụkwọ Curry House.   Lynton Crosby bụ nkịta ọgụ nke onye isi ụlọ zụtara n'aka enyi ya ochie bụ Maazị Lynton Crosby.  Johnson ka ọ bụrụ akụkụ bụ isi nke otu ntụzịaka njikwa ndị isi ọrụ.   Iain Duncan Smith bụ Master Careers ọhụrụ.   Ed Miliband bụ onye nkuzi ọkọnọ.   Fraser Nelson bụ nwa akwụkwọ afọ 12 bụ odeakwụkwọ nke otu ndọrọ ndọrọ ọchịchị.   Phillip Schofield na Holly Willoughby bụ ndị otu Form Media Studies Group nke isii.   Owen Paterson bụ onye isi nri.   Eric Pickles bụ onye nkuzi riri ọtụtụ nri ekeresimesi.   Nigel Farage bụ onye nkuzi na-enweghị mmasị na nkuzi gbasara Europe.  Ọ na-agbakwa ụlọ ahịa achịcha mkpụrụ osisi n'ụlọ akwụkwọ.   Maria Miller bụ onye isi ọmụmụ mmụta omenala.   Nick Boles bụ onye isi nhazi.   Malcolm Rifkind bụ onye isi nyocha ọgụgụ isi.   Nick Ferrari bụ nwa akwụkwọ na-arụ ọrụ mgbasa ozi ụdị nke isii.   Simon Hughes bụ onye nkuzi na-anwakarị imebi osote onye isi ụlọ ọrụ.   Steve Hilton na-arụbu ọrụ n'ụlọ ọrụ Headmaster, dị ka onye isi nke Blue Skies Thinking.  Ọ kwagara California ka ọ kuzie ihe ma katọọ onye isi ụlọ ọrụ.   Oliver Letwin bụ onye nkuzi mebere nkwekọrịta ya na osote onye isi ụlọ ọrụ maka otu esi ahazi akwụkwọ akụkọ ụlọ akwụkwọ.   Abu Qatada bụ nwa akwụkwọ afọ 7 nke odeakwụkwọ nnabata na-agbalị ịchụpụ.   Eric Joyce bụ onye nkuzi ọkọnọ nke nwetara nsogbu maka ịmalite ọgụ mmanya na-egbu n'ụlọ ahịa tuck.   Roy Hodgson agbaala egwuregwu na Poland na Ukraine.   Bob Diamond bụ onye njikwa ụlọ akụ mpaghara.   Anish Kapoor bụ nwa akwụkwọ afọ 7 mere ihe ọkpụkpụ maka ụbọchị egwuregwu.David Cameron is the Headmaster.
* Nick Clegg is the Deputy Headmaster.
** Miriam Clegg is the wife of the Deputy Headmaster who does not want her children to go to the Academy, but instead to private schools.
* George Osborne is the Bursar.
* Danny Alexander is his assistant.
* Vince Cable is the Head of Business Studies.
* John Bercow is the Head of the Debating Society.
* Rupert Murdoch is a school financier and Rebekah Brooks is his caretaker.
* Andy Coulson was a miscreant student who the Headmaster put on the school switchboard for a time.
* Anna Soubry teaches in the Military Studies department.
* Chris Grayling was the Careers Master who was promoted to become Head of Discipline.
* Boris Johnson is a personal friend of the Headmaster who is considered to be a potential Headmaster and therefore is constantly discredited by the Headmaster.
* Liam Fox was the head of the CCF, who got into trouble for allowing his personal friend Adam Werritty to appear in his classroom without authorisation.
* David Davis is a former member of staff who attempted to become Headmaster.
* Theresa May is Head of Discipline.
* Michael Gove is the Curriculum Director, often on the "naughty chair".
* Lord Coe is the Head of Physical Education who was charged with organising the Sports Day.
* Dennis Skinner is an old school retainer.
* Chris Huhne was the head of Environmental Studies who has resigned.  He was in an affair with his secretary Carina Trimmingham.
* Ed Davey is the new head of Environmental Studies.
* Andrew Lansley is in charge of reorganising the Sanitorium who has now gone on leave.
* Rowan Williams was known as Reverend Beardie and is the chaplain of the Academy until his departure in December and replacement by Justin Welby (Reverend Oilwellby), who used to run the local petrol station.
* Jeremy Hunt was the head of Media Studies and has been reassigned to running the sanitorium, where he intends to put satellite dishes on the roof.
* Andrew Mitchell is the head of Staff Discipline who got into trouble for losing his temper at some school security guards.  He was later forced to resign.
* Justin Welby is the school chaplain.
* Justine Greening is a teacher who is opposed to the opening of a third driveway in the school on the grounds that she lived too close to it.
* Nadine Dorries is a teacher who wanted to mount a dartboard at the school Curry House.
* Lynton Crosby is an attack dog bought by the headmaster from his old friend Mr. Johnson to be a key part of the Senior Staff Management Directive team.
* Iain Duncan Smith is the new Careers Master.
* Ed Miliband is a supply teacher.
* Fraser Nelson is a Year 12 student who is Secretary of the Politics Society.
* Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby are members of the Sixth Form Media Studies Group.
* Owen Paterson is Head of Catering.
* Eric Pickles is a teacher who ate most of the Christmas dinner.
* Nigel Farage is a teacher who dislikes teaching about Europe.  He also runs the fruitcake stall in the school.
* Maria Miller is Head of Cultural Studies.
* Nick Boles is Head of Planning.
* Malcolm Rifkind is Head of Intelligence Testing.
* Nick Ferrari is a student who runs the Sixth Form Media Service.
* Simon Hughes is a teacher who commonly attempts to undermine the Deputy Headmaster.
* Steve Hilton used to work in the Headmaster's Office, as Head of Blue Skies Thinking.  He has moved to California to teach and has criticised the Headmaster.
* Oliver Letwin is a teacher who forged an agreement with the Deputy Headmaster on how to regulate the school magazine.
* Abu Qatada is a Year 7 Student that the Admissions Secretary is trying to expel.
* Eric Joyce is a supply teacher who got in trouble for starting a drunken brawl in the tuck shop.
* Roy Hodgson is the coach of the 1st XI who played matches in Poland and Ukraine.
* Bob Diamond is the local bank manager.
* Anish Kapoor is a Year 7 student who has made a sculpture for the Sports Day.

* Nicola Sturgeon na-agba ụlọ ahịa obere achịcha.  Alex Salmond bụ onye inyeaka ya.   Jeremy Corbyn bụ onye enyemaka klas.   Grant Shapps bụ onye nkuzi a manyere ịpụ mgbe e boro ebubo mmegbu.   Andy Murray bụ nwa akwụkwọ bụ onye isi ndị otu egwuregwu tenis ụlọ akwụkwọ.Nicola Sturgeon runs a shortbread stall.
* Alex Salmond is her assistant.
* Jeremy Corbyn  is a classroom assistant.
* Grant Shapps is a teacher who was forced to leave after accusations of bullying.
* Andy Murray is a pupil who captain's the school tennis squad.

## Akparamagwa 2016 gawa n'ihu

* Theresa May bụ onyeisi ụlọ ọrụ.  Philip May bụ di Headmistress.   Philip Hammond bụ bursar.   Angela Merkel bụ onye isi ụlọ ọrụ Vorsprung Durch Technikal College.   Francois Hollande bụ onye isi ụlọ ọrụ Grande Ecole de la Récession.   Jeremy Corbyn ka bụ onye inyeaka nkuzi.   John Redwood bụ Mr. Deadwood, onye nkuzi na-eme mkpesa banyere Brexit Fudge ọhụrụ tupu ọ detụ ire ya.   Iain Duncan Smith bụ Maazị Ian Dunce Smith, onye nkuzi na-eme mkpesa banyere Brexit Fudge ọhụrụ tupu ọ detụ ire ya.   Justine Greening bụ onye isi ụkpụrụ mmụta.  Ọ hapụrụ ọkwa ya ka enyechara ya ọrụ ọhụrụ dịka onye isi nke kọbọd akwụkwọ.   Jeremy Hunt ka bụ onye na-ahụ maka ụlọ ọrụ a na-emechi emechi n'ihi na Dr Junior achọghị ịrụ ọrụ.   Sir Alan Duncan bụ onye nkuzi nke edobere onye na-ahụ maka obere mpempe akwụkwọ ụlọ akwụkwọ.   Vladimir Putin bụ onye isi nke Kremlin School of Advanced Intelligence.   Barack Obama bụ onye isi ụlọ akwụkwọ Washington Drone Academy.   A na-edobe Boris Johnson onye na-elekọta ụlọ akwụkwọ ahụ mgbe onye isi ụlọ na ezumike.  Ọ bụkwa onye isi mmụta mmụta mba ofesi.   David Davis na Boris Johnson na-ekerịta ebe obibi ụlọ akwụkwọ.   Liam Fox na Johnson na Davis na-ekerịta ebe obibi "Squabbling House" ụlọ akwụkwọ.   David Cameron bụbu onye isi ụlọ ọrụ.   Michael Gove bụbu onye nkuzi na ụlọ akwụkwọ ahụ, onye a chụrụ n'ọrụ n'oge na-adịbeghị anya.  Mgbe nsonaazụ nke arụmụka ụlọ akwụkwọ ahụ gasịrị, a kpọgharịrị ya ọrụ.   George Osborne bụ onye bụbu bursar ụlọ akwụkwọ nke laghachiri na nne na nna ya.   Nicky Morgan bụ onye bụbu onye isi nke usoro ọmụmụ ụlọ akwụkwọ, onye na-awagharị ugbu a na ogige.   Shinzo Abe bụ onye isi ụlọ ọrụ Advanced Kamikaze Institute.   Ban Ki-moon bụ onye isi otu United Nations of Headmasters.   George Hollingbery bụ obere onye ọrụ.   Steve Hilton bụbu onye enyemaka nkuzi nye David Cameron.   Peter Bone bụ otu n'ime ndị nkuzi kacha ochie.   Nick Timothy bụ onye ndụmọdụ Oriakụ May.  A chụrụ ya n'ọrụ n'ihi nsonaazụ arụmụka ụlọ akwụkwọ ahụ.   Donald Tusk na-ahụ maka atụmatụ oche na European Education Union.   Ed Balls bụ onye na-asọ mpi na egwu egwu dị egwu.   Zac Goldsmith bụ onye nkuzi dara ọkwa ya maka ọrụ onye isi obodo London na panto ụlọ akwụkwọ, tupu ọ hapụ ụlọ akwụkwọ ahụ kpamkpam.   Michael Heseltine bụ onye bụbu osote onye isi, kọwara dị ka "onye isi ụlọ ọrụ kacha njọ anyị enwebeghị."  Ọ nọkwa na nsogbu ugbu a na RSPCA maka nyagburu nkịta ya.   Carol Vorderman bụ onye mmeri nke ihe nrite mgbakọ na mwepụ nke ụlọ akwụkwọ na 1976.   Stephen Hawking bụ onye isi nke Astrophysics site na 1900 ruo 1943.   Mark Carney bụ onye njikwa ụlọ akụ mpaghara nke ejidere na nkata ịgbawa ụlọ akwụkwọ ahụ.   Gina Miller bụ onye nnọchite anya ahụike na nchekwa nke họpụtara onwe ya.   Nigel Farage anaghịzi agba ụlọ ahịa achịcha mkpụrụ osisi nke ụlọ akwụkwọ ahụ, ebe ọ bụzi onye mgbachichi mbụ-Room Banter-Buddy nye Donald Trump.  A makwaara ya dị ka Mr Farago, ma ọ bụ Mr Far-Right.   Donald Trump bụ onye isi ụlọ akwụkwọ kọleji Washington Shutdown Finance.   Beata Szydło bụ onye isi ụlọ akwụkwọ Warsaw Academy of Building and Plumbing Sciences.   Fiona Hill bụ odeakwụkwọ onye isi.  A chụrụ ya n'ọrụ n'ihi nsonaazụ arụmụka ụlọ akwụkwọ ahụ   Chris Grayling bụ onye isi ụgbọ njem ụlọ akwụkwọ.   Sir Ivan Rogers rụrụ ọrụ na Mmemme Mgbasa Ozi ụlọ akwụkwọ nke ga-ahapụ arụkwaghịm.   Nicola Sturgeon bụ Nicola Krankie, onye isi ụlọ akwụkwọ nke ụlọ akwụkwọ nọọrọ onwe ya na-agaghị adị na Edinburgh.  Ọ ka na-agba ụlọ mkpirisi achịcha.   Recep Erdoğan bụ onye isi ụlọ akwụkwọ Turkey nke oke aka ike.   Kenneth Clarke bụ otu n'ime ndị nkuzi meworo agadi n'ụlọ akwụkwọ ahụ.   Chloe Smith bụ onye bụbu onye inyeaka na ụlọ ọrụ Bursar.   Samantha Cameron bụ SamCam Cameron, nwunye nke mbụ Headmaster.   John Bercow bụ onye nhazi nke Society Debating.   Sarah Vine bụ onye otu nke isii Form Fashion Society.  Onye nkuzi kacha amasị ya bụ Michael Gove.   Paul Nuttall na-enyere aka na-agba ọsọ ụlọ ahịa achịcha mkpụrụ osisi.  A na-akpọkwa ya Mr Nutter ma ọ bụ Mr Nutcase.  Ka ụlọ ahịa ahụ daa ka arụmụka nke ụlọ akwụkwọ gachara, o debere ụlọ ahịa ahụ maka ire ere.   Douglas Carswell na-enyere aka na-agba ụlọ ahịa achịcha mkpụrụ osisi.  A makwaara ya dị ka Mr Wonky-Jaw na Mr Carcrash.  Ọ gbalịrị ịbanyeghachi na ndị ọrụ nkuzi mgbe ọ nwesịrị ihe nfụkasị ahụ nut, ma mechaa kpebie ịtọlite ​​ụlọ nke ya.   Michael Crick bụ onye otu Form Media Society nke isii.
* 
** Jacob Rees-Mogg bụ onye na-enyere aka na TeachFirst Classics Master.  Nick Robinson bụ onye otu ọgbakọ arụmụka.   Eddie Mair bụ onye otu ọgbakọ arụmụka.   Geordie Greig bụ onye otu Form Media Society nke isii.   Lynton Crosby bụ nkịta ọgụ ụlọ akwụkwọ.  N'ịgbaso nsonaazụ nke arụmụka Ụlọ Akwụkwọ, e wedara ya.   Alex Jones gbara onye isi ụlọ akwụkwọ ajụjụ ọnụ na "The One-derful Headmistress Show."   Matt Baker gbara onye isi ụlọ akwụkwọ ajụjụ ọnụ na "The One-derful Headmistress Show."   Ed Miliband bụ onye nkuzi ọkọnọ.   Andrew Neil bụ nwa akwụkwọ gbara onye isi ụlọ akwụkwọ ajụjụ ọnụ n'oge arụmụka ụlọ akwụkwọ.   Robert Peston bụ nwa akwụkwọ nwalere Boris Johnson n'oge arụmụka ụlọ akwụkwọ.   Damian Green bụ enyi onye isi ụlọ ọrụ si Oxford.  E mechara chụrụ ya n’ọrụ.   Arlene Foster bụ onye isi egwu, yana onye isi akụkọ ihe mere eme nke Akwụkwọ Nsọ, mmụta mmekọahụ, na ike ụlọ akwụkwọ.  O wegharakwa ụlọ ọrụ Headmistresses.   Emmanuel Macron bụ onye isi ụlọ akwụkwọ Académie Nouveau Napoleon.   Elizabeth II bụ onye na-elekọta ụlọ akwụkwọ ahụ.   Ruth Davidson bụ Ọchịagha nsọpụrụ nke ndị agha jikọtara ọnụ.   Andrew Mitchell bụ onye nkuzi a nụrụ ka ọ na-ekwu na onye isi ụlọ ọrụ kwesịrị ịgba arụkwaghịm n'ihi nsonaazụ arụmụka ụlọ akwụkwọ.   Robbie Gibb bụ onye enyemaka ndị isi ụlọ ọrụ.   Amber Rudd bụ onye nkuzi na-eguzosi ike n'ihe nye onye isi ụlọ ọrụ ma kwuo na ọ ga-anọchi ya.   Geoffrey Boycott bụbu onye batman nke mbụ XI.   Michael Fallon bụ onye otu ndị ọrụ nke ga-agbada n'ihi ihe ndị a na-akọwaghị.   Priti Patel bụ onye otu ndị ọrụ ga-agbadata mgbe ya na ndị isi ụlọ ọrụ Israel nwechara nzukọ nzuzo.   Gavin Williamson bụ onye nkuzi na-agba ọsọ CCF mgbe e buliri ya maka 'na-aga nke ọma' hụ na ọ nweghị onye nkuzi etinyere aka na ọgbaghara ọ bụla.  O nwekwara tarantula anụ ụlọ, Cronos.   Penny Mordaunt bụ onye nkuzi ama ama maka iji bọọdụ mmiri mmiri nke ụlọ akwụkwọ.   Stephen Hammond bụ onye nkuzi a chụrụ n'ọrụ ka ọ tụchara vootu megide onyeisi ụlọ akwụkwọ na arụmụka nnukwu ụlọ akwụkwọ.   Toby Young bụ onye nche ọhụrụ maka ụkpụrụ dị elu na agụmakwụkwọ, nke a maara maka echiche ọchị ya.  A chụrụ ya n'ọrụ tupu ọ were ọkwa ya.   Andrew Adonis bụ onye ndụmọdụ onye isi ụlọ akwụkwọ na akụrụngwa ụlọ akwụkwọ, mana ọ gbara arụkwaghịm n'ọkwa ya.   Tracey Crouch bụ onye ozi maka owu ọmụma, onye kwesịrị ịhụ onye isi ụlọ ọrụ ugboro ugboro.   Henry Bolton na-agba ụlọ ahịa achịcha mkpụrụ osisi, mana achịcha mkpụrụ ya na-amịpụta mkpụrụ anaghị ewu ewu na ụmụ akwụkwọ.   Desmond Swayne bụ onye nkuzi dara ụra mgbe Kenneth Clarke na-ekwu maka ịhapụ European Education Union.   Ben Bradley bụ onye isi ọhụrụ Form nke isii, mana ọ nwere ike ịhapụ ọnọdụ ya n'ihi ụfọdụ njakịrị na-adịghị mma.
* Philip Hammond is the bursar.
* Angela Merkel is the Headmistress of Vorsprung Durch Technikal Kollege.
* Francois Hollande is the Headmaster of Grande Ecole de la Récession.
* Jeremy Corbyn is still a teaching assistant.
* John Redwood is Mr. Deadwood, a teacher complaining about the new Brexit Fudge before tasting it.
* Iain Duncan Smith is Mr. Ian Dunce Smith, a teacher complaining about the new Brexit Fudge before tasting it.
* Justine Greening is the Head of Educational Standards. She left her position after being offered a new job as Head of the Stationery Cupboard.
* Jeremy Hunt remains in charge of the sanatorium which is often closed due to Dr Junior's unwillingness to work.
* Sir Alan Duncan is a teacher who is placed in charge of school paper clips.
* Vladimir Putin is the Headmaster of the Kremlin School of Advanced Intelligence.
* Barack Obama is the Headmaster of the Washington Drone Academy.
* Boris Johnson is placed in charge of the school whilst the Headmistress is on holiday. He is also the Head of Foreign Studies.
* David Davis shares the school accommodation with Boris Johnson.
* Liam Fox shares the school accommodation "Squabbling House" with Johnson and Davis.
* David Cameron is the former Headmaster.
* Michael Gove is a former teacher at the school, who was recently fired. Following the results of the School Debate, he was rehired.
* George Osborne is the former school bursar who has gone back to live with his parents.
* Nicky Morgan is the former head of the school curriculum, who now wanders around the grounds.
* Shinzo Abe is the Headmaster of the Advanced Kamikaze Institute.
* Ban Ki-moon is the head of the United Nations of Headmasters.
* George Hollingbery is a junior staff member.
* Steve Hilton is a former teaching assistant to David Cameron.
* Peter Bone is one of the eldest teachers.
* Nick Timothy is Mrs May's adviser. He was sacked following the result of the School Debate.
* Donald Tusk is in charge of the seating plan at the European Education Union.
* Ed Balls is a competitor in Very Strictly Come Dancing.
* Zac Goldsmith is a teacher who failed his audition for the role on Mayor of London in the school panto, before leaving the school entirely.
* Michael Heseltine is a former deputy Head, described as "the worst Headmaster we never had." He's also currently in trouble with the RSPCA for strangling his dog.
* Carol Vorderman was the winner of the school's maths prize in 1976.
* Stephen Hawking was the Head of Astrophysics from 1900 to 1943.
* Mark Carney is the local bank manager who was caught in a conspiracy to blow up the school.
* Gina Miller is a self-appointed Health & Safety Representative.
* Nigel Farage no longer runs the school's fruitcake stall, as he is now the First Locker-Room Banter-Buddy to Donald Trump. He is also known as Mr Farago, or Mr Far-Right.
* Donald Trump is the Headmaster of the Washington Shutdown Finance College.
* Beata Szydło is the Headmistress of the Warsaw Academy of Building and Plumbing Sciences.
* Fiona Hill is the Headmistress's secretary. She was sacked following the result of the School Debate
* Chris Grayling is the head of school transport.
* Sir Ivan Rogers worked on the school's Outreach Programme who had to resign.
* Nicola Sturgeon is Nicola Krankie, the Headmistress of the Never-Will-Be-Independent School in Edinburgh. She does still run the shortbread stall.
* Recep Erdoğan is the Headmaster of the Turkish School of Extremely Hard Knocks.
* Kenneth Clarke is one of the older teachers at the school.
* Chloe Smith is the former assistant in the Bursar's office.
* Samantha Cameron is SamCam Cameron, the wife of the former Headmaster.
* John Bercow is a moderator of the Debating Society.
* Sarah Vine is a member of the Sixth Form Fashion Society. Her favourite teacher is Michael Gove.
* Paul Nuttall helps run the fruitcake stall. He is also known as Mr Nutter or Mr Nutcase. Following the collapse of the stall after the School Debate, he put the stall up for sale.
* Douglas Carswell helps run the fruitcake stall. He is also known as Mr Wonky-Jaw and Mr Carcrash. He sought to rejoin the teaching staff after developing a nut allergy, but eventually settled for setting up his own nut stall.
* Michael Crick is a member of the Sixth Form Media Society.
* Jacob Rees-Mogg is the TeachFirst Classics Master assistant.
* Nick Robinson is a member of the Debating Society.
* Eddie Mair is a member of the Debating Society.
* Geordie Greig is a member of the Sixth Form Media Society.
* Lynton Crosby is the school's attack dog. Following the results of the School Debate, he was put down.
* Alex Jones interviewed the Headmistress on "The One-derful Headmistress Show."
* Matt Baker interviewed the Headmistress on "The One-derful Headmistress Show."
* Ed Miliband is a supply teacher.
* Andrew Neil is a student who interviewed the Headmistress during the School Debate.
* Robert Peston is a student who tested Boris Johnson during the School Debate.
* Damian Green is a friend of the Headmistress from Oxford. He was later sacked from his position.
* Arlene Foster is the Head of Music, as well as the Head of Biblical History, Sex Education, and the school's energy supply. She has also taken over the Headmistresses's office.
* Emmanuel Macron is the Headmaster of the Académie Nouveau Napoleon.
* Elizabeth II is the school's patron.
* Ruth Davidson is the Honorary Commander of the Combined Cadet Force.
* Andrew Mitchell is a teacher who was overheard saying that the Headmistress should resign following the results of the School Debate.
* Robbie Gibb is the Headmistresses's assistant.
* Amber Rudd is a teacher who is very loyal to the Headmistress and touted as a potential successor.
* Geoffrey Boycott is the former 1st XI batsman.
* Michael Fallon was a member of staff who had to stand down for undisclosed reasons.
* Priti Patel was a member of staff who had to stand down after having secret meetings with Israeli headmasters.
* Gavin Williamson is a teacher who runs the CCF after being promoted for 'successfully' making sure that no teachers were involved in any scandals. He also has a pet tarantula, Cronos.
* Penny Mordaunt is a teacher well known for her use of the school's diving board.
* Stephen Hammond is a teacher who was fired after voting against the Headmistress in the Big School Debate.
* Toby Young was the new watchdog for higher standards in education, known for his sense of humour. He was fired before taking up his position.
* Andrew Adonis was an advisor to the Headmistress on School Infrastructure, but he resigned from his post.
* Tracey Crouch is the Minister for Loneliness, who needs to see the Headmistress frequently.
* Henry Bolton runs the fruitcake stall, but his extra-fruity fruitcakes are not popular with students.
* Desmond Swayne is a teacher who fell asleep while Kenneth Clarke talked  about leaving the European Education Union.
* Ben Bradley is the new Head of Sixth Form, but may have to leave his position due to some poor jokes.

## References