Flashback
Subtitle: Forgetting and Remembering Vietnam
Publisher: Dog Ear Publishing
Published: 2011
Place of publication: U.S.A.
Language: eng
Format: Paperback (softcover)
Number of pages: 114
ISBN-13: 13: 978-1457500886
Description: Review Written By Bernie Weisz, Reviewer, Vietnam War Pembroke Pines, Florida, USA  Contact:  BernWei1@aol.com June 17, 2011 Title of Review: "Refusing To Recall Being The 1 Survivor of a Battle In Vietnam Most of My Adult Life: Now I Refuse To Forget It!"  Former heavyweight champion Joe Louis, just before his 1946 rematch victory over the lighter, faster Billy Conn, was quoted as saying: "You can run, but you can't hide." You will understand the significance of that cliche after you read J.W. Clark's amazing memoir "Flashback." Ostensibly, Clark's story details the tragic events of a battle he was involved in at Quang Tri Province, as a member of Alpha Company, 1st Battalion, 3rd Infantry. This occurred in the early months of 1968, right at the waning days of the North Vietnamese "Tet Offensive." This was a military campaign that commenced on January 31, 1968. Both hard core North Vietnamese regular troops as well as their Southern brethren, the Viet Cong, attacked all of South Vietnam and its forces, i.e., the U.S. and their Allies, e.g. the Republic of Korea and Australian forces. This offensive's intention was to strike military and civilian command and control centers throughout South Vietnam and to spark a general uprising among the population that would then topple the South's government located centrally in Saigon, thus ending the war in a single blow. Hanoi's most ambitious goal, producing a general uprising, had ended in a dismal failure, with Military Assistance Command of Vietnam estimating that 181,149 Viet Cong and North Vietnamese troops were killed. The real significance of this offensive was that it was the beginning of the end for American involvement in Vietnam. President Johnson, despite the Tet Offensive being a clear cut military victory, was unable to convince the American public that it had been a major Communist defeat. L.B.J.'s optimistic assessments made prior to the offensive came under heavy criticism and ridicule as the "credibility gap" that had opened in 1967 widened into an outright rift. Around the same time that C.W. Clark arrived in Camp Carroll, 60 miles south of the Demilitarized Zone, which was the demarcation between North and South Vietnam, MACV posted the highest U.S. casualty figures for a single week during the entire war: 543 killed and 2,547 wounded. 

As a result of this heavy fighting, 1968 went on to become the deadliest year of the war for the US forces with 16,592 soldiers killed. Included in that mortal figure would be, with the exception of Clark, everybody in his Company and Bravo, his sister Company as well, certainly one of the most tragic incidences of friendly fire the U.S. has ever experienced. However, "Flashback" is not about that faithful day, but rather concerning Clark's struggle with post traumatic stress disorder. More than 30 years after he had this close brush with death, his memories resurfaced after a series of terrifying nightmares and flashbacks. One of the most injurious manifestations of PTSD results when the victim believes in his mind that he is responsible for the severe injury or death of his own comrades. Famed Vietnam War historian Christian Appy is quoted as asserting the following: "As early as 1968, a Pentagon study estimated that 15% to 20 % of all U.S. casualties resulted from friendly fire." Some estimates claim a total of 8,000 of these incidents." Some of these statistics, especially after 1968, included a new term specifically invented from the Vietnam War, deemed "fragging." This referred to the act of attacking a superior officer in one's chain of command with the intent of killing him. The term was most commonly used to designate the assassination of an unpopular officer of one's own fighting unit. Killing was effected by means of a fragmentation grenade, thus the term. Soldiers serving under Lieutenant William L. Calley Jr., the prime culprit of the "My Lai Massacre" secretly considered fragging him after he marched them into danger, resulting in the world renowned atrocity. 

C.W. Clark's guilt over this event had nothing to do with fragging, or another phenomenon that reared it's ugly head after the Tet Offensive, "combat refusal." Clearly seeing the America had no desire to pursue this conflict to a victorious conclusion, soldiers staunchly refused to put their lives in jeopardy going out on perilous missions guaranteed to result in American casualties. Flat out refusing to follow these orders, there were soldiers that refused to be counted as the last ones to die in a war undertaken without America's backing, politically or domestic. This was not Clark's case. In "Flashback," Clark disclosed his reason for going to Vietnam, which had no political connection whatsoever. Exposing his troubled childhood and relationship with his father, he acknowledged that he didn't know why the U.S. was fighting in S.E. Asia. He tried to imitate his father, who at age 16 joined the Navy and fought victoriously in the Pacific against the Japanese. Clark also revealed that his father, one of 11 children that endured the poverty of the "Great Depression," had dreams of becoming a police officer. Because two of his father's brothers had a criminal record, Clark's dad was denied access to law enforcement. Settling for a manual labor job, his father was hoping to have a son that would fulfill his dream by becoming a police officer. Clark, the only male of five siblings, detailed his disappointing behavior to his father, and openly admitted his reluctance to become a cop. Therefore, with his father repeatedly mentioning how proud he was of his W.W.II service, Clark wrote: "If I became a Marine, he would be proud of me. So, in September of 1967, when others my age were preparing for their senior year in high school, I made a decision that would nearly cost me my life and would throw me into a world of confusion and despair. Two weeks later, I eagerly boarded the Greyhound bus that would take me away from family, friends, and everything I knew."

Two psychologically operatic factors that propelled Clark to join the military were the "need for achievement" to please his father; as well his "fear of failure," generated from past events Clark wrote about in this amazing memoir. The first one has to do with an individual's desire for significant accomplishment and mastering of skills and is manifested by repeated efforts to accomplish something difficult. The second one is usually obtained from parents, and in this case, directly from Clark's father. It can be manifested in debilitating anxiety before taking a test, competing in a sport, or going on a job interview. It usually results in the sufferer being terrified at being labeled a "loser." Should they fail, in their minds they will be ostracized by their parents and peers, branded as deadbeats for life! As the reader of this memoir will find out, the author almost lost his life because of this fear. In April of 1968, at Quang Tri province, during the fateful battle that Clark came within a hair of perishing, his only reflection at the most critical time was: "I remember being surprised that I wasn't afraid now that the moment I had anxiously anticipated was almost upon me, I felt a calmness fall upon me. I was certain I was going to die, and that made me unafraid. I only wanted to do well in my last minutes here." However, after Vietnam, the main component that Clark psychically faced was repressed memory; he unconsciously forgot what happened there until his mind flooded him both physically debilitating symptoms and realistic flashbacks where he was no longer able to mentally escape from. 

Although Clark's participation in a Vietnam style "Custer's Last Stand," was the climax, it was not the only traumatic event he witnessed. While he was staging with his unit, deemed the "California Death Squad, at Camp Pendleton, he was told aside from the "Domino Theory" the following propaganda: "Only the U.S. had been able to stop Hitler, now we had to stop the Communists. Communism was the enemy of freedom. The Viet Cong were highly trained guerrilla warriors who slaughtered villages of innocent women and children." This indoctrination worked on Clark. Frothing at the bit to get to Vietnam, Clark ruminated at the end of "Infantry Training Regiment" school the following: "Every man in the company wanted nothing more than to get to Vietnam before the war was over so he could do his part to save the U.S. and the world. I wanted badly to be in Vietnam, fighting and showing my country my worth." Clark also wrote "The Marines were winning big time over there, everyone said, and the war might be over before we got our chance. Everyone was anxious to get to Vietnam; they were more afraid of missing the war than of being in it." Then, reality set in. There is another cliche, which states: "Be careful what you wish for, it just might happen." It did. Clark was deployed to Vietnam and was prepped. He endured two weeks of painful shots and was warned that all water and food in Vietnam was contaminated. A soldier had to be careful of the indigenous women and children, they could be potential suicide bombers. No gifts were to be given to the Vietnamese nor garbage dropped, as the enemy would use this for lethal booby traps. Clark was about to be transported to a world full of leeches, poisonous snakes, spiders, and a land plagued with parasitical and viral diseases. Now he started to wonder if he made a wise decision, as he recorded the following second guessing: "I felt like I was headed toward a hostile, alien planet. Vietnam sounded so totally different from anything I had ever seen in America that it was hard to envision." 

There were many different ways soldiers were transported from the U.S. to Vietnam during the Vietnam War. Some took commercial airlines, others took oceanic voyages. Clark was on an uncomfortable military transport that flew 20 hours from El Toro, California to Da Nang, almost a 24 hour flight. He had one layover, in Okinawa, where he was preoccupied with the following mental images: "I kept thinking of all the war movies I'd seen on TV and how John Wayne and others were big heroes even unto death. Not only did I want to prove my courage to myself, I wanted to prove it to my father, even if I died trying." The author would later come to hate Vietnam movies, especially "Platoon" as well as embody the last part of his statement, coming as close to death as one can get. Upon arriving at Da Nang, Clark immediately was split up with the men he trained with, the "California Death Squad." Informed by a fellow Marine he had trained with that there was no squad and it was all a joke to promote cohesiveness, all members were dispersed. The war hit home, as this man that told him that had caught shrapnel his first day in the bush, almost losing his hand. Clark was sent to "Alpha Company, 1st and 3rd," and sent out in the bush as a stranger, unpleasantly known as an "N.F.G." He was also in the hottest area of combat, "I Corps," right near the DMZ. Clark wrote how the war became a living nightmare for him, explaining how temperatures in March rose up to 110" in both heat and humidity. Hordes of blood thirsty flies and gnats preyed upon him 24 hours a day. Sleeping in a foxhole, eating disgusting C rations, going to the bathroom without toilet paper and barely sleeping, Vietnam did not turn out to what he thought it would be. In fact, in describing the war against the elements, Clark recalled that toilet paper sold for $5 a roll! Clark captured the pulse of the Vietnam War perfectly. With the following statement, his remark echoed countless other Vietnam Veterans: "The Huey was a Marine's best friend in the bush, especially during a firefight. You could feel a Huey coming along before you heard or saw it; as it approached, your bones started vibrating to an unheard rhythm and your heartbeat changed to match it. Other helicopters sounded like mosquitoes in comparison to the Huey's deep throbbing sound. That sound brought fears to the hearts of the enemy, and hope and relief to the Marines on the ground." 

It is interesting to note that Clark included stories of endless patrols and inconsequential watches devoid of any skirmish nor contact with the enemy despite the "Tet Offensive" winding down all around him. Boredom set in. Clark wrote: "The men of Alpha Company were anxious, hot, and in want of a fight. They had guarded this small stretch of countryside for three months, and after a few weeks, the NVA/VC had offered few opportunities for battle. It's difficult to be part of an elite killing machine and have nothing to kill besides insects. We were on edge, and release of accumulated stress was a priority." Even with Alpha Company having a "Mad Minute" where all the men shot untold rounds at an empty hillside, it had no effect to relieve pent up lassitude and anxiety aside from wasting taxpayer dollars. Shortly, Clark would give anything in the world for a return to the previous state of inertia. The reader learns of some of Clark's fellow Marines, all to perish in the upcoming conflagration. One Marine in particular, "Doc" would become Clark's mentor, his best friend, and eventually save Clark's life by losing his own. Doc was also a Corpsman, and on his third tour of the Vietnam War. I have read hundreds of Vietnam Memoirs, and none are as hard to review as this one. It is as difficult to explain the incident of "friendly fire" to readers as was it for Clark to try to suppress and forget about it for thirty years. This tragedy was forced upon Clark, as the cowardly North Vietnamese Army used "Bravo Company" as a human shield in their encirclement of Alpha Company. It is even more difficult to explain how a man can shoot and kill his own men in trying to defend his position from being overrun. It is equally formidable to come to an understanding of how Clark was able to deal with the ramifications of being the only one to survive a napalm attack, dropped on his own position as the NVA was in the process of overrunning it. You could easily understand how Sam Houston and Jim Bowie felt on March 6, 1836, as bands of Mexican General Santa Ana's finest overran their Texas fortress compound known as "The Alamo." 

Aside from a flimsy collection of MIG's that saw the North have limited and usually futile air confrontations with the U.S., the N.V.A. had no air force to cover their ground troops. Their supreme military commander, General Vo Nguyen Giap, would try, regardless of human loss, "human wave and sapper attacks." When these methods failed to overwhelm an American position because of U.S. protective air power, which involved Douglas AC-47 Spooky (also nicknamed "Puff, the Magic Dragon") gunships and Bell AH-1 Cobra attack helicopters, the NVA would resort to a tactic called "Grabbing Them By Their Belts." By being right on top of Americans, i.e. "grabbing an American soldier by his belt buckle," the NVA incorrectly thought that it would prevent them from dropping ordinance on their own position, as it would result in "friendly fire." A napalm attack, creating 1300 degrees of devastating, oxygen depriving heat,would inflict ungodly casualties on NVA soldiers, burning them and anyone close to death. J.W. Clark's description of the following is heartbreaking, impossible to vicariously describe: "During the initial charge of NVA soldiers, they herded Bravo Company toward Alpha Company, defending a precarious hilltop. When the enemy was 50 yards away, Clark wrote the following: "Now all of Alpha Company could clearly see, to our dismay, that it was Bravo Company coming towards us. The NVA were following close behind them, using Bravo Company as a human shield. To see our sister company Bravo used in that cowardly way was an outrage I could scarcely imagine. There was little or no chance we could wait for Bravo Company to cross our line and still have time to engage the enemy before they overran us. The experienced men of Alpha Company already knew that Bravo company was going to die. They were ready to do as they must and were only waiting for the command to open fire. At 50 yards out, the enemy opened fire as they charged us, driving Bravo company ahead of them. The air was suddenly full of NVA bullets whirring past us like a swarm of bees, wounding some of Alpha Company. The Marines of Bravo Company were shouting at us as they ran towards us, gesturing towards their chests with both hands. Some of them tore their shirts open to expose their chests. When the men of Bravo Company were 25 yards out, the lieutenant gave the orders to open fire. I did. Three Marines from Bravo were directly in front of me, and I shot them. I know I did because they were close enough for me to see the horror in their eyes as they fell." 

It is too gruesome to write about what occurred next. Buy the book, and you'll find out. However, it is worth noting that several miracles happened, prior to and after this battle occurred. Clark received a rosary from a fellow Marine named Pigpen, a man to perish in the upcoming battle. Clark explained: "I was leaning back against a dirt embankment when Pigpen approached me, put something into my hand, and said "Here, do you want this? I don't need it anymore." I didn't ask why he didn't need his rosary any longer, and he offered no explanation. Now I realize Pigpen knew he was going to die in the upcoming battle. And at the time, even though the odds were against us, it was incomprehensible to me that in the next few hours, all of Alpha Company, so proudly marching toward their fate, would perish and only I would survive. I still have that rosary today." Equally unexplainable occurrences happened. After the battle and napalm attack, Clark went with 4 other Marines to fetch a rubber ball full of 100 gallons of water, dropped by a resupply helicopter. Drenched with Doc's blood, he desperately needed to wash. Clark explained the following miracle: "At the bottom of the ravine, almost 300 yards from the ball of water, I heard the words "Get Down!" I immediately hit the dirt and covered my face with my arms just as the sniper's bullet brushed past my head, missing its intended target. I hugged that tiny piece of earth where I had fallen, and I decided to stay right where I was till the war was over. But the same voice that told me to get down spoke again, saying, "If you stay there, you will die. I was alone. "This is just great," I said to myself, "I'm covered in Doc's blood and now I'm hearing voices. What's next?" 

Still unconvinced in miracles? Could this be a hallucination? Following this, Clark revealed: "We were about 100 yards away from the ball of water when I heard the same voice that had spoken to me 20 minutes earlier; it said "Get down now.!" Still not certain where the voice was coming from, but trusting it just the same, I immediately hit the dirt. At that same instant, a second enemy rocket struck to my left, disintegrating the two Marines who had been there. The rocket's explosion was strong enough to send several pieces of hot shrapnel into my body, breaking and nearly severing my left arm and leg. Then a third rocket struck, just below my mangled left arm. I was flung upward too, then my body crashed to the earth with an impact that knocked all the air from my lungs. The flying dirt had shielded me from the shrapnel, but the concussion temporarily blinded and deafened me; I was sure I was dead now. Then I was carried toward a waiting Huey. As the Huey lifted off, the air being stirred by its powerful blades seemed transformed into the breath of God, and the pulsating beat of its rotors became the sound of God's heartbeat. As I was gently lifted upward, towards Heaven, higher and higher, I felt the safety of God's loving arms around me, and then I fell asleep." It is a true miracle that this author survived, and the desire to forget, suppress and never think about this horror visited upon him is understandable. Jerry Horton, in his amazing memoir "The Shake 'n Bake Sergeant" had a similar near death experience. However, miracles continued to happen for Clark. After he was medically evacuated, he fell into a coma for six weeks that he almost never awoken from. His descriptions of the visions he witnessed during the coma are beyond description. However, they can be tempered with his tempering commentary about dying: "Heaven seemed a strangely eerie place. I wasn't sure I wanted to go there, yet I wasn't sure if I wanted to live, especially if God was going to return me to my same broken body. And there was an even more compelling reason I didn't want to wake up. I and other Marines of Alpha Company had murdered Bravo company. I had no such hopes of making my father proud of me." The reader can really see the influence and power Clark's father had on him, judging by the aforementioned. 

Needless to say, there is much more to "Flashback" than C.W. Clark's ordeal in Vietnam. Despite being only 114 pages, the action continues, fast and furiously. Clark reveals that he was flown while in the coma to the USS Repose, a hospital ship commissioned in 1965 for service in Vietnam. Operating mainly in Clark's "I Corps" area, she treated over 9,000 battle casualties and 24,000 inpatients while deployed. Notably, USS Repose was on station during the 1967 USS Forrestal fire that killed 134 sailors and injured 161, another variant of "Friendly Fire." After six weeks, he was transferred to Yokohama, Japan, where he finally came out of his coma. This whole period he was in a complete body cast with his left arm barely attached my a few tendons. As he was the sole survivor of that firefight that claimed the lives of two companies of Marines, unless he spoke about the battle, no one would know what happened on that fateful day. Clark kept quiet about it, and bore his shame and guilt, with only the publication of this book exorcising his demons. Thinking he would be arrested for murder, Clark silently grieved until the cliche "you are only as sick as your secrets" ate him alive. Clark made medical history by successfully undergoing an amazing surgery to reattach his arm in San Diego. From marrying a devout Catholic woman and adopting her faith to fathering seven children, recovering from malaria and running from his thoughts and memories of Vietnam, here lies an incredible story of dodging PTSD. From being a workaholic, geographical changes, medication with alcohol, nothing worked. He left jobs, divorced, and eventually remarried, still suffering from the war's aftereffects. Eventually vivid flashbacks occurred. J.C. Clark, while unequivocally stating: "I do not intend to make this a tell-all story for others to gossip over: I believe my family is entitled to privacy," leaves no stones upturned in explaining how he eventually asked for and received help. After a series of terrifying nightmares and flashbacks, he discovered that in order to save his future, he had to resurrect his past. 

Clark did the footwork, with intense therapy with a skilled clinician well versed in treating PTSD. He warns the veteran of both yesteryear and today that asking for help is not a sign of weakness, and that using drugs and alcohol might temporarily ease the pain, but it always returns and with a vengeance. He urges Vets afflicted with this horrific byproduct of war to reach out, that attempting to overcome PTSD by oneself is an exercise in futility. With the help of therapy, reaching out to others and a strong belief in a higher power it is possible to recover. J.C. Clark concludes that even though he could not consciously remember what he did in Vietnam, subconsciously he did remember it, and that part of his mind wanted to punish him for his actions of killing Bravo Company. He feels the biggest impediments to recovery from PTSD are self hatred and resentment. Clark wrote: War is hell. For those that survive combat, the war often continues on long after they are home. They must live with the memory of killing someone, even if it was the enemy, or witnessing the death of a friend or comrade. Being resentful towards yourself or others because of your past actions or theirs does not heal wounds. Resentment breeds only more resentment. Forgiving oneself is the start of the path that leads to forgiving others. The choice is yours, continue to be resentful and destroy what remains of your life, or chose to forgive." Clark ends this incredible memoir by stating that writing about one's combat experience is like going back to war again. Therapy is a veteran's boot camp, information is his weapon and insight is his shield against PTSD. His final sage words speak volumes: "The events I refused to remember for most of my adult life because the memories contained such sorrow, grief and guilt, now I refuse to forget." This book is mandatory reading for any Vietnam Veteran, or for that matter, any soldier exposed to the trauma of combat!
Table of contents: title: INTRODUCTION:   About me and My Dad P. 1; title: Dad Sends Me On My First Mission P. 3; title: I Decide To Join The Marines P.8; title: Boot Camp and Infantry Training P. 10; title: Eighteen at Last P. 17; title: Alpha Company 1st and 3rd P. 26; title: How To Spend A Million Dollars P. 34; title: Alpha Company Finally Heads North P. 42; title: We Dig In and Wait Fro Bravo Company P. 49; title: After The Firefight P. 55; title: Coma. A Visit From Col. Haggerty P.60; title: Dr. Dodge Makes Medical History P.67; title: Life After Vietnam. paranoia Strikes P. 70; title: I Return to San Diego P. 76; title: First Flashback Second Flashback P. 81; title: Third Flashback P. 88; title: Denial P. 96; title: I Go Fishing P. 100; title: A Note of Encouragement P. 106; title: A Note of Caution P. 108; title: Where to Get help P. 110; title: Endnotes P. 113