John Dies at the End
Subtitle: A novel
By: David Wong
Edition: 1st ed.
Publisher: Thomas Dunne Books/St. Martin's Press
Published: Sept. 29th, 2009
Place of publication: New York
Language: eng
ISBN-13: 9780312555139
Subjects: Friends -- Fiction
Genres: Fiction
Other titles: John and Dave and the Fifth Wall
First sentence: (excerpt)
* * Prologue * *

Solving the following riddle will reveal the awful secret behind the universe, assuming you do not go utterly mad in the attempt. If you already happen to know the awful secret behind the universe, feel free to skip ahead.

Let’s say you have an ax. Just a cheap one, from Home Depot. On one bitter winter day, you use said ax to behead a man. Don’t worry, the man was already dead. Or maybe you should worry, because you’re the one who shot him. 

He had been a big, twitchy guy with veiny skin stretched over swollen biceps, a tattoo of a swastika on his tongue. Teeth filed into razor sharp fangs, you know the type. And you’re chopping off his head because, even with eight bullet holes in him, you’re pretty sure he’s
about to spring back to his feet and eat the look of terror right off your face.

On the follow-through of the last swing, though, the handle of the ax snaps in a spray of splinters. You now have a broken ax. So, after a long night of looking for a place to dump the man and his head, you take a trip into town with your ax. You go to the hardware store,
explaining away the dark reddish stains on the broken handle as barbecue sauce. You walk out with a brand new handle for your ax.

The repaired ax sits undisturbed in your garage until the next spring when, on one rainy morning, you find in your kitchen a creature that appears to be a foot-long slug with a bulging egg sac on its tail. Its jaws bite one of your forks in half with what seems like very little
effort. You grab your trusty ax and chop the thing into several pieces. On the last blow, however, the ax strikes a metal leg of the overturned kitchen table and chips out a notch right in the middle of the blade.

Of course, a chipped head means yet another trip to the hardware store. They sell you a brand new head for your ax. As soon as you get home with your newly-headed ax, though, you meet the reanimated body of the guy you beheaded last year. He’s also got a new head,
stitched on with what looks like plastic weed trimmer line, and it’s wearing that unique expression of “you’re the man who killed me last winter” resentment that one so rarely encounters in everyday life.

You brandish your ax. The guy takes a long look at the weapon with his squishy, rotting eyes and in a gargly voice he screams, “That’s the same ax that slayed me!”

Is he right?
Description: 𝙎𝙏𝙊𝙋. 
•𝙔𝙊𝙐 𝙎𝙃𝙊𝙐𝙇𝘿 𝙉𝙊𝙏 𝙃𝘼𝙑𝙀 𝙏𝙊𝙐𝘾𝙃𝙀𝘿 𝙏𝙃𝙄𝙎 𝘽𝙊𝙊𝙆 𝙒𝙄𝙏𝙃 𝙔𝙊𝙐𝙍 𝘽𝘼𝙍𝙀 𝙃𝘼𝙉𝘿𝙎.
•𝙉𝙊, 𝘿𝙊𝙉'𝙏 𝙋𝙐𝙏 𝙄𝙏 𝘿𝙊𝙒𝙉. 𝙄𝙏'𝙎 𝙏𝙊𝙊 𝙇𝘼𝙏𝙀.
•𝙏𝙃𝙀𝙔'𝙍𝙀 𝙒𝘼𝙏𝘾𝙃𝙄𝙉𝙂 𝙔𝙊𝙐.
My name is David Wong. My best friend is John. Those names are fake. You might want to change yours.
You may not want to know about the things you'll read on these pages, about 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒔𝒂𝒖𝒄𝒆, about 𝑲𝒐𝒓𝒓𝒐𝒌, about the invasion, and the future. But it's too late. You touched the book. You're in the game. You're under the eye.
The only defense is knowledge. You need to read this book, to the end. Even the part with the bratwurst. Why? You just have to trust me.

𝙏𝙃𝙀 𝙄𝙈𝙋𝙊𝙍𝙏𝘼𝙉𝙏 𝙏𝙃𝙄𝙉𝙂 𝙄𝙎 𝙏𝙃𝙄𝙎:
• 𝙏𝙃𝙀 𝘿𝙍𝙐𝙂 𝙄𝙎 𝘾𝘼𝙇𝙇𝙀𝘿 𝙎𝙊𝙔 𝙎𝘼𝙐𝘾𝙀, 𝘼𝙉𝘿 𝙄𝙏 𝙂𝙄𝙑𝙀𝙎 𝙐𝙎𝙀𝙍𝙎 𝘼 𝙒𝙄𝙉𝘿𝙊𝙒 𝙄𝙉𝙏𝙊 𝘼𝙉𝙊𝙏𝙃𝙀𝙍 𝘿𝙄𝙈𝙀𝙉𝙎𝙄𝙊𝙉.
  • 𝙅𝙊𝙃𝙉 𝘼𝙉𝘿 𝙄 𝙉𝙀𝙑𝙀𝙍 𝙃𝘼𝘿 𝙏𝙃𝙀 𝘾𝙃𝘼𝙉𝘾𝙀 𝙏𝙊 𝙎𝘼𝙔 𝙉𝙊.
       • 𝙔𝙊𝙐 𝙎𝙏𝙄𝙇𝙇 𝘿𝙊.

"𝘋𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘥 𝘞𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘮𝘢𝘴𝘩-𝘶𝘱 𝘰𝘧 𝘋𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘭𝘢𝘴 𝘈𝘥𝘢𝘮𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘚𝘵𝘦𝘱𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘒𝘪𝘯𝘨.... '𝘗𝘢𝘨𝘦-𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘦𝘳' 𝘪𝘴 𝘢𝘯 𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵." -𝘋𝘖𝘕 𝘊𝘖𝘚𝘊𝘈𝘙𝘌𝘓𝘓𝘐, 𝘥𝘪𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘰𝘳 𝘰𝘧 𝘗𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘢𝘴𝘮 𝘐-𝘝 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘉𝘶𝘣𝘣𝘢 𝘏𝘰-𝘵𝘦𝘱.

𝘞𝘈𝘛𝘊𝘏 𝘛𝘏𝘌 𝘔𝘖𝘝𝘐𝘌 𝘛𝘙𝘈𝘐𝘓𝘌𝘙 NOW!̲

𝘴𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘘𝘙 𝘊𝘖𝘋𝘌 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘲𝘶𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘰𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘴𝘮𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘰𝘳 𝘷𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘸𝘸.𝘫𝘰𝘩𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘦𝘴.𝘤𝘰𝘮! [𝘘𝘙]

Unfortunately for us, if you make the right choice, we'll have a much harder time explaining how to fight off the otherworldly invasion currently threatening to enslave humanity.
I'm sorry to have involved you in this, I really am. But as you read about these terrible events and the very dark epoch the world is about to enter as a result, it is crucial you keep one thing in mind:

𝑵𝑶𝑵𝑬 𝑶𝑭 𝑻𝑯𝑰S 𝑰𝑺 𝑴𝒀 𝑭𝑨𝑼𝑳𝑻.

𝑫𝑨𝑽𝑰𝑫 𝑾𝑶𝑵𝑮 is the pseudonym of Jason Pargin, online humorist, 𝘕𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘓𝘢𝘮𝘱𝘰𝘰𝘯 contributor, and editor in chief of 𝘊𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘦𝘥.𝘤𝘰𝘮. Visit him at www.johndiesattheend.com.

(back cover) updated by e.t
Notes: Contains Afterword written by publishing author (David Wong)
Table of contents: title: * Prologue * *........02; title: Chapter 1- The "Levitating" "Jamaican".......15; title: Chapter 2- The Thing in John's Apartment.......29; title: Chapter 3- Grilling with Morgan Freeman.......42; title: Chapter 4- The Soy Sauce........56; title: Chapter 5- Riding with Shitload.......75; title: Chapter 6- Meet Dr. Marconi.......91; title: Chapter 7- Arnie Thinks David is Full of Shit.......113; title: Chapter 8- The Bratwurst Prophecy...........116; title: Chapter 9- The Missing Girl........160; title: Chapter 10- By the way........183; title: Chapter 11- Amy........184; title: Chapter 12- The Chat Transcript........201; title: Chapter 13........204; title: Chapter 14- John Investigates........226; title: Chapter 15- Shit Narnia........262; title: * Epilogue * *..,,,...286