Hey, Internet, I'm not okay. I've alluded to this a lot in lots of places on the Internet, but unless you know me in real life, you probably have no idea what's going on and I'm not gonna sit here and tell you everything because, you know, there's gotta be boundaries and stuff. It was important to me to at least kind of talk about it. I've experienced different issues with mental health through my life. I've had like, depressive episodes and stuff. I've made videos about all of those things, but this past year, I think, in particular, did a number on my brain. For lots of different reasons, I had a lot of different things that happened. I mean, the biggest one is I moved across the country and like, completely uprooted my life. I took in a lot of responsibility at the job that I have and that can be particularly stressful. I got into an out of a relationship, which we all know can go super well. I've also had to in that process learn a lot about myself and about how things work and how people can be super different and just like how to be a friend as a 27-year-old. So, with all of those stressors a couple months ago, my brain kind of broke. There's a couple things that were happening. I started experiencing a lot of cognitive distortions and those are kind of the lenses that your brain can put on events and things that are happening in your life that make them not accurate. So, you end up thinking that a thing is different than what it actually is. Or you perceive a meaning behind things that isn't actually there. And this can happen in a lot of ways. I encourage you to look up cognitive distortions. In experiencing these cognitive distortions and getting upset by them, I've been having a lot of trouble with emotional regulation. So, I've been having trouble having correct emotional responses to the magnitude that suits the situation. For instance, something that makes you a little bit sad would make me inconsolable. That's kind of a lot. These things have affected my life in a lot of different ways. But the most important thing is that it's caused me to do a lot of damage to some of my relationships and be particularly bad at maintaining relationships, especially ones that are not like immediately super close. I have had to kind of like tighten everything up and only focus on very specific relationships because that was all that I could handle. That is all that I can handle. It's not a thing that's gotten better. I have this analogy that I like to use. Imagine going through life, you are driving a car down a road. And the amount of struggles and stuff that you have to go through in life are like, the road and potholes and like various different obstacles on the road. Provided you are equipped as the average human. You are able to navigate around these. You can slow down what you need to and get around a curve and avoid holes and all these things. What happened to me was akin to your power steering going out. And suddenly it became much more difficult to steer the car. It was tough to see a pothole ahead and know that I was aiming for it and wanting to move over and go around it but not being able to or seeing a sharp turn coming and not being able to make that turn in time. And then in addition to the power steering going out, because of that I hit a pothole and like my glasses flew off. It means I can't even see the road ahead of me. I don't know if it's going to turn or if there's a really large bump. And like the power steering is a thing that takes a lot to fix. Sometimes I'm able to find my glasses and put them back on and at least know about the things that are approaching but sometimes they completely blindside me. And I go into thoughts, spirals, or end up not being able to eat for a while or various different symptoms. And sometimes that means I really hurt people that are close to me. One of the side effects of the glasses falling off is then also not knowing where you are. And I've experienced quite a bit of destabilization of self in this process because sometimes it feels like I don't know what the right direction is and I don't know what the right answer is. I just felt like I don't even, I'm not even equipped to have a concept of how to act in certain situations. It's really hard to steer this car. It takes constant effort. You can't let up for even a second because if you do, you run off the road. For me, I feel like no matter what is going on, I can't just stop trying really hard. And I am, I am trying so hard I ended up going to therapy for the first time ever in my life. And it's like a daily experience of figuring out what I'm doing wrong and having to address bad things that I've done and reform experiences and adjust the way that my brain looks at a situation because it likes to make a lot of bad stuff up. And ultimately, that just needs me exhausted. So yeah, I'm not doing well. I wanted to come up with a more poetic way to talk about this, but that's what I've got. This is a novel experience for me. It's complicated because the things that I'm experiencing aren't depression or anxiety. It's, those things can be symptoms of the underlying issue, but that's not the underlying issue. That's scary because it feels like almost like not a thing that is familiar. It's this new, weird out of control experience feeling so out of control is something that is so against my personality and something I'm vastly uncomfortable with. I would do anything to not feel this way. I've been trying to film myself at various different highs and lows through the past couple weeks. And so I might make an unlisted video version of some of that to give you a glimpse into like actually what's going on. Again, not with details because this is my personal private life that also includes other people and not going to do that. I'm looking for a lot of answers and maybe in the future I'll be asking some questions or putting up some videos about me. I'm putting up some videos about different aspects of this, but I don't know. I just wanted something. I wanted some sort of video to document this insane brain. Now that the lighting has changed, I guess it is time to go. Thank you guys for watching and I'll see you all later.