The reason they call it the American dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it. Political correctness is America's newest form of intolerance, and it is especially pernicious because it comes disguised as tolerance. Frisbee Terranism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of 10 things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these 10 things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning in torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever till the end of time. But he loves you. Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that. The planet is fine. The people are fucked. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. I'm completely in favor of the separation of church and state. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. The very existence of flame throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, you know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. Just because you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. Whether forecast for tonight dark, honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy.