All of Gwen Stefani, cause this shit's bananas. That's right, it's a Hall of Back Girl reference in 2014 just shows how out of touch I am with the viewers. It's Rise of the Planet of the 8th vs King Kong. Cherish, why don't you go ahead and put up the Monkey Pun counter, feel a lot of idioms coming on. Rise might not have the most star-studded past, but I'd be a monkey's uncle if they're on a few worth mentioning. First up, we have my boy James Franco, playing a scientist in Will Rodman. He gives a very strong performance along side his father, the great John Lithgow. We also get a nice small role from Draco Malfoy. There's a love interest by the name of Caroline, but honestly that's the only real hiccup in the film. The only part I didn't really think was necessary at all. The best performance on the human side of things though comes from Naomi Watts. For interactions with the computer generated animal never looked more convincing. Adrian Brodie's for some reason in this thing, trying his hand in the action role I guess. It doesn't really work, it's not the worst I've ever seen, it's just kinda odd. And apparently he was the only choice for the role. Peter Jackson wanted to do King Kong forever, and when he finally got the chance he's like, I need f***ing Adrian Brodie. Jack Black is also present, he does a nice job, and Tom Hanks is son Colin is also in the mix. Smaller role, but still there, still counts. When it comes down to it there's only one performance that's really the most appealing. And that's the one by Andy Circus, this was like a banana. Put that in the counter. We'll do it, if you didn't. Circus does, I call him Circus. He does all the motion capturing for both Caesar and Kong. Smegel gives us yet one more reason to enjoy a fully grown man and a spanic suit, jumping around on stage like an idiot, playing a game of monkey sea monkey do. He brings Kong and Caesar to life with his physicality and impressive expressions. Hell that, any of King Kong really moved me. I mean, the fact that I could get this emotional from a giant CGI gorilla is telling of the performance, is telling him the job he did. So sad. Just slips away, just slips right off that Empire State building. I'm not huge on remakes. In fact, I think they turn out pretty awful most of the time. But with films like these where it's very reliant on the special effects, the makeup, the costumes, I think it's warranted here. Kong is the story of an ambitious movie producer trying to find his next big picture. Really, that's just a reason to get to the island and kidnap the eighth wonder of the world. Come to think of it, I really have no idea how they moved Kong off the island, but that's just a small nitpick, right? That's not nothing major. Kong, of course, throws a monkey wrench into things, added to the counter. By breaking free of his shackles, getting out of the stage and running a muck in the city. But the real story is one of love, because after all, Twas Beauty killed the beast. Women. Right. But this wild creature learns to respect Anne. He fights for her survival constantly, both on Skull Island and in the city. It probably could have been an hour shorter, but whatever, we got our money's worth. Say what you will about Mr. Peter Jackson, the man sure knows how to stretch the source material, isn't that right, Hobbit. Rise of the plan of the apes is essentially the plot through deep blue sea. For the five of you who know what that is. The humans have found a cure for Alzheimer's by doing some experimentation, short for experimentation, on monkeys. Naturally, monkey shit hits the fan, and the program is shut down. Fortunately, Will finds a freshly birthed baby in the science department. How was this missed? What do the scientists do if they can't even figure out if a monkey's pregnant? There was also zero trace of blood or other liquids on the ground, it was just a very clean cut pregnancy. Maybe I'm just dick picking, it just seemed very convenient. Anyway, he raises this little chap, I say chap now, and he grows into a fine young ape named Caesar. Everything's all dicks and ducks until Caesar's eventually thrown in a monkey prison. He's poked and prodded, thus the rise of the apes commences. It's a very cool transition, and he really feels sympathetic for Caesar and his cohorts. Both these flicks have a slow build, but Kong is definitely the more action-packed. What we have here is an insanely cool battle with con versus the V-Rexes, a dinosaur stampede in the gorge. Simba's down there! There's also giant creepiest bugs that, fun fact, were cut out from the original 1933 film. It was shot, but wasn't put in, because the test audience was scared of their f***ing minds. And of course, we're left with the classic ending on top of the Empire State Building. The apes look phenomenal, they look extremely convincing, and it's really fun to see their rise in the last 30 minutes, fighting on the overused Golden Gate Bridge. But I'm also a big fan of the entire prison breaks section of the movie, where Caesar himself is teaching the apes how to get out of the situation, who says he can't teach a monkey new tricks. I'm cheating. Brack Smoky! Left-poky monkey! King Kong's music is some of the best in the business. James Newton Howard is the man to thank for that, wrangling up a Golden Globe Award for Best Original Score. Howard Shore, who originally worked on it with Peter Jackson, popped out. And that's really telling, because these two work together on the Lord of the Rings franchise. So if Peter Jackson let this guy leave, he clearly had something specific in mind. And I applaud him for that. King Kong sounds great too, and that's because of a combination of Andy Circus and a slow down lines where Clayton reverse. I have no f***ing idea though, I mean that's what I read. Do I know? Do I really know? It could have been the recording of two humpback whales having sex. Was it? No. Was it? No. The rise of the plan of the apes, side note, that's a f***ing dumb title, doesn't shy away from the music either. Patrick Doyle, whose previous works include the Goblet of Fire and Thor, team up with the Hollywood studio Symphony, took great emotions in light of little to no dialogue. Wow. Do you know your mother's shot the monkey? This was fun. It's fun as barrel full of monkeys on it. You heard me talk a while about two films I really loved, and now it's your turn. Are apes more your cup of cock or do you swing more in the big gorilla's direction? Like, comment, and subscribe because that's what keeps the monkey off my back. I'm still doing it. I'm still doing it. More than just reviews, this is movie feuds. Does anybody remember Congo or Mighty Joe Young? Congo.