Music Chelsea FC Boxer shorts, these put Chelsea where they belong on the bottom. I'm surprised they've even spelt it correctly because they just look so cheap and tacky that they're off like a £1 bin in a market, except they cost £15 for a pair. These are good if you want to literally dig on Chelsea. You pull down your trousers and you're wearing these. How small would you feel? I sort of thought these would be slightly more worn down than they are given Chelsea's form this season. They look cheap but they're very expensive which again is another analogy for how the Chelsea team are behaving at the moment. John Terry doesn't wear these boxer shorts, he wears Wayne Bridges. Yeah, I wouldn't want this, no one would want this. Surely even a Chelsea fan doesn't want Chelsea boxer shorts. You're literally dribbling your own purse onto the team you love. What's the point in that? The Arsenal slippers. Arsenal slippers. Don't even feel too comfortable touching these. These are sort of appropriate footwear for if you are in hospital which works with 80% of their first team. The Crystal Palace after shave. Let's have a sniff, I'll do it on the wrist, I'm a classy guy and you rub them together don't you? Okay, interesting. It smells like cotton fish. Smells quite nice on the first go, let's go again. Now it's terrible, very inconsistent this. This is the Aspenville seasonal jumper. Yeah, that does not smell of success. It reminds me of Gabriabon Lahore's career because it looks quite flashy but it's absolutely no use whatsoever. This is actually, reportedly as well, Tim Sherwood's entire severance package. It's just this shitty little jumper. What does that smell of? It smells of the championship. The gift of all gifts who wouldn't want a Manchester City chef's hat? I mean it feels cheap. It looks like something that a 1930s racing car driver might wear. This is for the official Manchester City chef who is Fabian Delph and this is for when he's preparing Yariatoa's birthday cake every year which is now a big thing for them so that he doesn't get too angry. This is the Manchester United two pack of dummies or as you might want to call them Wainruini and Louis Van Hal. Now these are often used as a sleeping aid. Not actually necessary this year is it, with the style of football that you're not able to play. This is a new castle duck. Very hard to sink. Even though it's not very good, still very hard to keep down. When you have a bath, okay, you want to relax, you want to forget your troubles. Now if I'm a new castle fan and I see this floating towards me when I'm trying to forget my troubles, I'm having an absolute shocker. Same if I'm a spurs fan. What they say with depression, quite serious, is that you have a black dog following you. That's what it feels. Well the black duck is following me breaking our unbeaten run, the black duck of new castle that doesn't even exist. To be like their title hopes, goddammit new castle, why did you do this to me? A fading force in football, aren't you? The Liverpool FC Sterling Silver Earrings. As if the Scouse accent wasn't harmful enough to the ears, you can now aesthetically damage your own ears. The thing is, you will never walk alone unless you start wearing these awful earring. 400 pounds. I would give a lady 200 pounds not to wear them. Wait a time, only silverware they're going to get for a long time. Absolutely pointless. It's the Leon Osmond autobiography. Never did I expect anybody to ever say those words. The Leon Osmond. Who? Good question. Here we have the Bible. 1899. I mean for that you could just buy Leon Osmond and have him say it to you. In April, the long wait for a win at Old Trafford ended. I spoke to Moisey, Woodsy and Lummy, their his imaginary friends. I'll just skip to the end, save you having to buy it. It's a spoiler alert. Tell you what happens. Oh, they qualify for the Champions League. Oh, the sorry, this is set quite far in the future. And it's in a dystopian future. Okay, worthless.