How's it going everybody? How you feeling tonight? Are you feeling good? Yeah, thanks for coming out. I'm Ellen DeGeneres. Things aren't going too well for me in my career right now. It is good to be here. It's a beautiful theater here. And yeah, we're going to have a great show. I was on air playing recently and I wanted to take a Xanax to relax, but I took an Adderall back, so then. The flight attendant asked me if I needed anything. I was like, yeah, I'll take the SAT. Do you have that? Throw me in a topic. I'll write a paper. I'm wired. Can I meet the pilot? I've actually never taken Xanax or Adderall. But I do get stressed out. There's a lot of horrible advice out there. One of the worst pieces of advice I've ever seen was, hey, if you're ever stressed, just ask yourself, will this matter in five years? Yes. When I'm going to sleep in that, I almost exclusively think about things that happened five years ago, so it's like, it's terrible advice. I was in a coffee shop recently because I like to write in coffee shops and drink coffee, I guess, but I was in there and there was a woman who was on her laptop when she was in a phone call with a speaker's on, and I was listening closely and I realized it was therapy. She was in a therapy session. I was like, you don't need therapy. You already don't give a fuck. Put that in a pill form. Give it to everybody. That's excellent. I'm feeling pretty good. I did this thing today. It's called a chillbees. If you're unfamiliar, that's where you eat a full sit down meal at a chillbees and then take a shit at an apple pieze right afterwards. That's white culture, everybody. You eat at one fast casual restaurant and then you're on the road and you're like, I got to take a shit. There's a chillbees right there. I have to go. I got to do it. I bought a mattress recently, not to brag, and the mattress was horrible, and so I tried to return it and it was just a back and forth with the mattress store. Couldn't return it, so they said, hey, we want to help you out. We're going to have a guy come and check out your mattress and get his expert opinion. It's a true story. That really happened. So a 230 pound dude named Shannon came to my house, true story and rolled around in my mattress. How do you get that job as a mattress tester? What do you put on your resume? Life-long dreamer. Dad, sleeping on the job. I'm a big fan of the Irish goodbye where you just leave. It's great, right? People should normalize the Irish goodbye. You just leave. No one ever talks about the Irish entrance though. That's where you show up hammered and you just punch someone right in the face. That my cousin. A lot of things are getting outsourced. If you call customer service, it's outsourced to a different country like India. I have no problem with that. How far are we going to outsource these help centers? What's the next thing we're going to outsource? The suicide hotline? You call up a guy and you call him up and you're like, yeah, I'm not feeling too good. I'm in a dark place. I think I'm going to kill myself. Have you tried using a different browser? You know what you're right? Firefox was making me want to kill myself. That actually worked. I go to a lot of Dominican birthday parties. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at me. I don't get invited. I just go to a lot of parks during the day. I was like, I'm going to the park. I think that's Spider-Man over there. Is that Dora and Spider-Man dancing with each other? That's insane. That looks like so much fun. Here's my favorite part about that joke. In Texas, I use Mexican. It still works and then I was doing... All right, all right, thank you. And then I did that joke recently and some guy took me and pulled me inside. He was like, no, no, no, no, up here, Dominican. I was like, all right, thank you. Noted. Noted. All right, so I don't know. Some people think we might go to... That's a weird segue way, but some people think we might go to war with China. And I don't know, I'm not going to speak to that. I'm not going to speak to that. That's going to be a pretty awkward phone call when we call them up and we're like, hey, can you make like three million uniforms? No reason at all, just make the... Don't worry about it. We all saw Top Gun. We're really excited about it. We're having a Top Gun party. You're invited kind of, I guess. I love YouTube and that's the whole thing there. I love YouTube and there's a type of video you've probably all seen. It's the Try Not to laugh videos. Those are fun, right? And I was just perusing through and I saw one. I was like, try not to laugh. This is fun. Usually it's like four hours of fat people falling or something. I clicked on it and it was just footage of 9-11. I was like, what the fuck you two? I kind of miss old YouTube though. You guys remember 2007 YouTube where it was just mean? Where the video would just be something harmless, like a dog playing in a sprinkler. And the top comment is just your fat. The person's not even in the video. It was a mean place. It was just horrible. I was in an... You ever noticed like if you're taking Uber or Lyft, they always have stuff hanging from the rearview mirror. And in a lot of time it's a dream catcher. I think it's broken. I think that's... I always can gauge how many Uber drivers are here based on how that one goes. I like that phrase, love is love. Love is love is a great phrase. But if you use it for a straight couple, it's just kind of mean. Hey, did you see Phil was dating Alexa? Love is love, I guess. I don't know. Yeah, maybe likes her. I'm on the old dating apps and those are interesting. Some of my favorite profiles this year are like the crazy ones where it's like a picture of a woman's fate from up here. Okay, so she's big and then the bio... But the... This... Fat people love this angle because everything hangs. Everything hangs down. I look good today. Everybody's eight feet tall. That's perfect. Here's a look down at you. Yeah, sometimes you see a profile like the bio and it's like I have three kids, no hookups. Who's that for? Really? Someone who's like, yes, I want a family now. And don't touch me. Don't do it. I've actually been watching a lot of prison breaks so I've taken a new approach to dating called the Prison Yard approach. That's where I walk up to the biggest girl in the bar and I punch her right in the face. Really tough in Albany. But you guys have been great. I'll leave you on this. In high school we had to read a lot of books and one of the books that we had to read was Huckleberry Finn. And I had a teacher who would read that book out loud in class with a lot of emotion and would say all the words. Including that one. It was really uncomfortable. The fucked up part is it was my math teacher so I don't know what to say. And I was home schooled so I was really weird. Anyway, you guys have been great. You guys were able to keep this thing going. Thank you. Bye. One more time for Nate Grog, everybody!