It's been seven days since I started on an antidepressant at the ripe age of 18 and I don't feel any different Some common side effects of the drug include nausea, vomiting, loss of appetite, headache, inability to concentrate, weight loss, tremors, treble breathing, and more often in those under the age of 25 worsening suicidal tendencies and depression and I feel like I've experienced everything but happiness I know it's supposed to take six to eight weeks to make a difference But I guess that I'd hoped that they were exaggerating, but I feel nothing And I guess that's the point I suppose it's better to not feel it all than to feel so low, but I got my hopes up and I thought maybe There's someone out there looking out for me after all and I thought maybe I'll be okay again But it's not so easy as all that It's been 15 days since I started on an antidepressant and I dreamt of someone I haven't seen in five years I dreamt that we were happy, we were together But I knew it was a dream and that when I woke up I would wake up without him and I would wake up feeling exhausted and sad with an ache in my stomach that was now familiar But tonight I'll take my dose exactly 830 like clockwork and I'll send up a prayer to an effort God there might be that I'll wake up tomorrow with a smile or real smile It's been 29 days since I started on an antidepressant and I finished high school today That was not a triumph Because I struggled to make the grade but because in four years I attempted suicide 17 different times and failed Again and again It's been 29 days since I started on an antidepressant and I left that school with that the least bit of sentimentality And I did not like nor dislike the leaving It was just another goodbye I didn't cry Not at this farewell It's been 34 days since I started on an antidepressant and I'm aboard a plane between two strangers This is my first flight and my head feels strange and the clouds are so white and bright that they hurt my eyes like a foot of fresh fallen snow We've almost made it to Oakland, California I've almost made it And I can feel the adrenaline swelling beneath my skin blooming into excitement. I haven't felt that was a little girl My father told me I was always a solemn child Much too bright, much too intelligent, much too old At least from hand good But I haven't been so exhilarated for as long as I can remember and my medicine hits its heavy and my stomach But the knowing that I'll see my big brother in the matter of an hour sits light on my heart It's been 64 days since I started on an antidepressant And it's been four days since I got my first tattoo And it's been 23 days since I fell in love at first sight and 24 days ago I would have told you that there was no such thing but Whatever I thought it meant to be in love was wrong and he is all that's right Forever written in my left shoulder is the phrase omnia of in seat amada Love conquers all It's been 63 days since I started on an antidepressant and I had the lost angelist airport and I'm going back to Indiana and leaving him behind But it's okay Because I know I'll see him again And I know that I live to see that day And maybe not on the 65th or the 165th but the day will come eventually when I am no longer on antidepressants I'll be fine on my own and until then I'll power through my supply of extras at our tonin and I'll just remember the words that are written forever on my left shoulder blade And I'll be okay