What am I going to do? Just some characters and different things. I won't take a lot of your time. Okay, this is... It's going to be along that line, I'm not sure. Okay. Well, my name is Philip Hartman, and I'd like to introduce you to some of my characters. Mr. Music. This is my favorite character. His name is Chick-Hazard. He's a hard-boiled private investigator. It was midnight when it happened. I was parked in front of four fingers of bourbon at the swanning club in La Brea Avenue. Most ex-slive-boys were making babies and binary refrigerators, but in the aftermath of my POW experience, I'd rekindled a relationship with two old pals, Jack Daniels and Jim Beane. My life was rapidly going down the porcelain convenience. I could barely afford cigarettes, whiskey, and food. Looked like the food was going to have to go. I had two things in common with the colored patrons of the swanning club. We all loved Nat King Cole. And we were all fed up with white people. On that particular night, I was dancing chick to chick with a tabletop. I lifted my head, and she walked in. I was a sucker for long legs. I wanted to shun you up when I heard it was like a native boy looking for coconuts. She was the kind of blue-eyed blonde that Hitler based his racial theories upon. Statuesque like Lady Liberty. But I figured I'd be the one left holding the torch. It's the latest development in the world of self-defense, the stun gun from Redco. Don't put Mason some in space, no need for messing with the Smith and Wesson Y. Because stun gun has three audio-dynamic laser frequencies to meet every personal protection need. Frequency one is the repellent mode. Perfect for straight dogs or knowing solicitors, even keeps the most relentless Jehovah's Witness at bay. But that's not all, because frequency two is the stun mode. Instantly freezes Indian Truder in his tracks till authorities arrive. Once paralyzed, the victim can be searched, disarmed, even humiliated at whim. Yes, you haven't lived until you've passed a catatonic cat burglar. But wait, there's more, because frequency three is the fun mode. This frequency has supersonic libido amplification power, turns any target into a mindless ride and I think sex machine. Look at bunny brolstein go! The perfect nice picker, the life of any party, turns that first date into a real night to remember. The stun gun from Redco's stun gun. It's the fun gun. If you like impressions, I know you do. Let me introduce my favorite impressionist, the funniest man in Germany, Gunter Johann. Danka Schöhn, Gunabunund, Ville Kormann. In Germany, it's Gunter Johann. He's seen himself on the fantastic impressions we've said. And Jack Benny, fantastic Samaritan, Connor Shakamaka. Jack Benny. Loon Radshester, Ignatius Runter Kermann. Danka, Danka Schöhn. Zinsauf an a fantastic visus Helmachau, the top banana met the film Flying Tigers. Look out of his way, here he is coming. John Wayne, look out. Well, still leaving, Pappy. The flunk and her depth perception examiner, the Vilnick-Woff and met their flying tigers. Danka, the season, my favorite dish, Jock Nicholson, Unchina Town, Jock Nicholson. And shild against the frown, Mollray. The best to intercourse and mit du Fatter, the Vilnick-Woff and the pregnancy mit du Sister-Oben. Danka. Mara, one of you, among the elderly, is rising drastically. Ironically, many youngsters are finding they can be put into a mindless stupor simply by trying to read. My favorite recent monologue is another Jack Nicholson piece. I'm not even for this guy. It's Shakespeare's Immortal Classic Hamlet, updated and modernized for the contemporary audience. I'll pick it up midstream. Curses, I didn't snap completely to last night. Check this out. Bernardo Marcella, Senator Aisio, come to me and they say, Hammy Sit down. Your dad's been making nightly postmortem appearances in the West Wing. I says, Bernie, fellas, you're jacking me around. They say no. No, it's a real mind-blowing act though a trifle on the ghastly side comes see for yourself. So a long comes midnight and a long comes dad. And he's looking real tired in a dead start away. Yeah. And he's talking about mom and he's talking about hell. And I'm f***ing galvanized with terror. Because I'm no Jack Armstrong when it comes to confabs with a walk in dead. So then he drops the big one. About how he wasn't bitten by a snake while sleeping in the garden. But rather it seems that good ol' Uncle Claudius has dispatched him to the great beyond with f***ing poison the air-enema. Think about it, he says, if you need me I'll be in purgatory. So I'm thinking about it. And tonight's the night I put ol' Uncle Claud to the test. And frankly, if he doesn't pass muster, he's history. I'll kick his ass so far up into his brain case he'll have to take off his hat to shine his f*** shoes. Of course, I wouldn't say the word f*** on the air. I wouldn't want to be the next Charlie rocket. Would you? All right. Oh. I'd like to now read a few things off this note card. These are a few of the things I'd like to do on Saturday Night Live. I'd like to do Playhouse 90. 90 second dramas that are very intense, like, uh, Johnny, Johnny, the cops are here. Shut up, shut up, we are trying to think. That kind of thing. I'd like to do, I'd like to bring back you are there, or some permutation of that great show where, uh, narrator goes to great moments in history and talks to people. Maybe you could call it, here we are now. I don't know. Oh, Lifestyles are the rich and famous. Somebody has to lampoon this show with the most obnoxious human being alive that screaming, you know, a guy who screams this, uh, robbing lads like, let's go there now. Here we are in the fantastic home of law and micro-zename against it. Get rid of that guy. There are a few people I'd like to impersonate. Peter Graves. You like gladiator movies, Jimmy? Uh, William Schatner. Space. The last frontier. Uh, and I'd like to do an acting class with uh, Charlton Heston, wherein he uh, teaches people how to say his favorite line. Oh my god. And uh, that's about it. I can also do any dialect. Go ahead, call out a dialect. I don't do that. No, uh, I'm Philip Ottman, we're very muscular. And this is my friend, Jorge from Greece. It's great to be here. Hey, bands, everybody. Oh, and I do pirate voices. And um, just about anything. Cut tape. Cut tape. Cut that camera up me. So uh, that's about it. Oh. All right, Malcolm. Where's Donberman? Yes, that is how he's going to be here. He's taking side. There is any up, get up, get up, get up. He's got all. So, so I'm sorry. It's very nice, too, you have no idea. I was thinking of changing the uniforms. It's something like this. If that looked much more appropriate, don't you think so? Now listen, Malcolm. I've had it with your Berlin App uniforms. Go get into this official Cutten Army 12. Hey you. Anthony Marberl. Hey, the former Tony Babbo air to a bathroom cleanser fortune. He fancyed himself the Master Thespian, the actor's actor. His performance has had more filigree than a Gothic cathedral. Ah, Marberl. Ah, Mr. Hezad. The great Anna Tumitul. Are you? Um, I got... What else can we do? I don't know. Uh, uh... Oh, the year 45. Oh, yeah. Um... Hello, Harry. Let us hear. Listen, I've got some news for you. Your contract isn't being renewed. The studio's letting you go. Level with me. If you're unhappy with my work, tell me now. Everyone says you're the worst actor in town. Don't leave me hanging my thread. I'm talking to town again. The life is finished. What's the word on the street? I, you... Well, there's a pot. Actually, there's a pot coming up. A Japanese movie. Godzilla, I can't... I'll take it. All right, good. What do I have to do? Well, they need some people to be squished between his toes. Think you're gonna handle it. Listen, Harry. I tell you how to hold out, out, out. Thank you, Lord. Next.