So after a breakup, I decided that I was going to read the top 50 books on love and books on relationships. And I was going to do it over the last year in particular. Now we're here near the end of the year and I managed to get through about half. I had a lot of my plate, but I figured I would share what my three biggest lessons were because I know this is such an important part of life and it's something that many of us struggle with quite a lot. Hey guys, Alatine, author of the book on habits, Master of the Day. Now down below this video, I've included a free journaling prompt. If you'd like to figure out how to design your dream life, that journaling prompt right below this video can help you do that and figure out what you want. So the first lesson that I learned here and I want to keep these all brief because I can talk forever is that relationships have to be about self-knowledge and that you can't be in a relationship to fill any kind of void. Now let me explain a bit more. When you look at people's relationships or how about this, think of the most messed up person you know. I know this sounds terrible, but think about that one friend you have who cannot get his life together. He can't pay his rent, he can't keep a job, he can't take care of his health, he has no friends, he's always unhappy. Now imagine you take that person, duplicate him, but a female and now two people who cannot have their life together, they don't have to crap together, now they're dating. Now imagine all the problems this friend has and all the problems his girlfriend has and you put him together. What do you get? You get a black hole of just a clusterfuck, right? That's the only word for it. You get just complete messiness. The first thing I've noticed is that you have to avoid unconscious patterns, unconscious loving. Now there's a great book by Gay Hendrix called Conscious Loving and what this book really made me think about was that if you ever get into a relationship to fill any kind of void, you're already creating problems. So here are a few things you can think about. Are you in a relationship because you're afraid of being alone? Are you in a relationship because you want regular sex? Are you in a relationship because you need financial security or you really want kids? Are you dating that person because of status, beauty, money, prestige or because they're cool? Are you dating that person because they have what you don't have in your own life? They have fun, they have variety, they're danger, they're novelty, they're stability, they're sweetness, they are self-care. Are you dating someone to fill some kind of hole on any level? And I'm not saying it means you can never be dependent on another person because humans are designed to be in pairs. We are not designed to be single or to be alone. But are you trying to fill some kind of hole? Is that person your addiction? And the second thing is, are you trying to replace a parental dynamic? Are you the woman who's dating those high-powered ambitious guys who are never home because your dad was exactly like that? And you don't even realize it's so comfortable because you're dating your dad. But what you really want is a guy who's going to be home at five every night for dinner. So avoiding the traps of unconscious loving. Now your prompt for this first point is, is this person filling a void? And what do I have to work on to be whole? The second thing I've learned is that you really have to like the other person. Now I know that sounds obvious, but I heard this thing from Merseupier, the psychologist. She said that you need to have for a relationship best friend chemistry, sexual chemistry, and mutual respect. And beyond that, what you really need to share values or a shared vision. And I've heard people, myself included, say the dumbest things about what they have in common with a person. Like, oh my god, we both love salted peanut butter ice cream. Oh my god, we both love corgis. Or, oh my god, we both loved going to Iceland. Like that's really going to build a relationship. Like that's really something special unique that's important and valuable for a long-term relationship. The things that people often don't think about are five years out. What are the traits when all the passion has gone, all the excitement, all the freshness? They're just another person there by you every day. They don't around us any strong feelings. What are the traits you wish they would have? What are their family values? What is their work ethic? What is their personality like or their friendliness? What is their patience tolerance? What is their approach towards kids or towards building a community? What do they want from life? Thinking about really the fundamental character and value traits you want that person to have? Regardless of the passion or the feelings, that's what's going to be here in five or ten years. But when you focus on the feelings, which inevitably are gone to a certain degree, after a period of time, when the feelings leave, you think this is the end because you mistake that liking for the lusting. Now your prompt for this idea is there was this great quote by an actor, I wish I could remember it exactly, but the gist was, it's easy to feel in love when you're on a trip in Hawaii with someone. But the real test is, did you love that five hour flight to Hawaii with the person? So in other words, relationships are made up of the mundane moments every day. Do you really, really, really like those? If you never had anything sexual happen with this person? The last thing is this idea of relationships are not about what you can get, they're about what you can give. And I would sound so unsexy, but going into a relationship, if you are a healthy, independent, non-co-dependent person with their own life, the most valuable thing you'll ever do I've learned, is dedicate your life to making that person happy and helping them reach their full potential in life. If that is your affirmation, your intention, your wedding vow, then how could that person not be in the best relationship ever? Your goal, not as a codependent person who has no life, but as an independent, healthy person. Your goal is to have your own life and make sure your goal in that relationship is to make their existence as amazing as you can to the day they die. Having that contribution-centered life has been one of the biggest lessons I've learned that in my life, if I focus on helping the viewer, the listener, get the results or change their life. If I help the woman I'm dating just live an absolutely amazing existence, then and you've done all the other work, you've avoided the unconscious patterns, then there's not that much you have to worry about, because even if things don't work out, you had the right focus. And your focus was on other things that mattered and it was not on being a taker, it was not on trying to extract and filivoid and be needy, but you're a whole person trying to help another whole person reach their full potential. So the prompt I've learned for this last one is am I entering into a long-term relationship still because there's something unresolved or some loneliness or some dependence I have? Is it because of something I need to get or is it because I want to find the right match, the best match possible, and I want to make their life as friggin amazing as possible? All right, guys, those are my three realizations. Of course, I could probably shoot 50 videos, probably two on each book at least, maybe I will at some point, but I think these three lessons are unconventional lessons, and there are things people don't talk about and they are the most important. So before you go, comment below, let me know what was the most impactful for you. Again, the first link below this video is for a free journaling worksheet. If you'd like to learn how to design your dream life, that is what I would recommend to get started. And then before you go, check out these two related videos.