America, this is a safety announcement from your outgoing government. We realize many of you have been losing your f***ing shit over the results of the election. But please remain calm. Right now, it's important to just do what he says. We don't want to anger President Trump because thanks to us, this ego-minicle, petulant manchild will soon inherit our dramatically expanded 100% unaccountable extrajudicial assassination program. Also thanks to us, Commander-in-Chief Trump will inherit our unprecedented war on press freedom and whistleblowers and command the world's most vast-spying apparatus. You're welcome, America. But please don't panic or try to flee to another country. There's really nothing to worry about. Well, unless you're a Muslim, Mexican, refugee, Native American, Black, LGBTQ, a woman, or any form of life inhabiting a planet on the verge of irreversible climate change. Everyone else, you're cool. We also want to reassure our friends on Wall Street, just give them a chance to fall in line. It should soon be business as usual. To all those who, like us, claim that Trump would never win. Look on the bright side, this will finally force us to reckon with the real issues that drove so many of your fellow Americans to vote for the Antichrist, rather than more of this. And to everyone celebrating the victory of his grand imperial majesty, Trump, we understand now. You wanted Bernie and we gave you Hillary. You wanted jobs and we gave you moral shit. You wanted John Stewart and we gave you Trevor Noah. Well, you've been heard. And now we hope everything will turn out just as beautiful and huge and tremendous as you hope and just really, really great. Again, good luck, America. Authorized by the Department for Peaceful Transitions into the terrifying unknown.