Me, you just David Ortiz looked just like the mom on good times. Oh, Peter, that's racist. No, no, look. That's not racist, that's just accurate. Hey, guys, guess who's got the keys to a speed boat just sitting down at the station? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, that was a funny story. Especially the funny part. You really delivered on your promise. Oh, yeah! Yeah, let's do it! Oh, that sounds amazing! I love boats all tired. Oh, they're already gone. No, you didn't widen enough, but you still can't come. You got to cut to the right. No, no, it's counterintuitive. You got to cut left. I know how to drive. Stop looking at us! Ha, ha, ha! I do this all the time. Get back in your car with your wife. But, Sam, oh really? Thanks, driving instructor. Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha! Ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! Now cut the wheel! Cut the wheel! Now the other way! Claver, are you alright? I don't like getting wet. Ha, ha, ha, ha! Hit the target! Shit. I think it's got him by the weiner. Oh man, that guy can get anyone to do that to him. Oh my god, Quagmire lost his penis. White flag for friendly, black for not friendly, blue flag for penis loss? Oh man, that sucks. That friend Quagmire. Oh him. Well Mr. Quagmire, you've had quite the nasty shark attack. Or will you? What's this? Say that with my penisless patience to lighten the mood. Leav Shriver gets a big kick out of it. That penis was my whole life. That's not so bad, it's boat in the water. Have you seen this? Stop looking at us. That does make me feel better. I can't believe it. This is horrible. What am I gonna do? Glenn, there's lots you can do. You can devote your life to Christ. Listen Quagmire, I got just away for you to embrace your new life when out of penis. Things on the internet besides porn. Like what? I like to research birds trying to learn a bird a day. Wow, you really know you stuff Joe. You're swallow. You got your tit mouse. Damn it Joe, stop with the sex birds. Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do guys, but this is a disaster. Absolutely everything. As she tenderly unlaced her silken corset, the sensual night ahead. We now return to HGTV's. Couples looking for a house where the woman doesn't know the guy's gay. Hood schools and because he works in the city, he's looking for an easy commute. Town as a choreographer and florist. And we'll probably need an nursery. Oh hey Quagmire. Hey Peter, I just came by to fend it to stop feeling sorry for myself and embrace my new life. He discovered an old hobby I used to love as a kid. The new show at the Co-Hog Playhouse. Quagmire, we'd be delighted to attend. Wouldn't miss it. Okay, see you there. Damn it. Why did I even open the door? Ah, bite me. Laugh it already, just thinking about it. Only one way to get out of this. I'm so glad Quagmire is back on his feet again. Oh, hello. I didn't realize the curtain was up. And people think, I'm the dummy. I'm bland and this is Edgar. What a great crowd, huh Edgar? This is gonna be a fun night. You call this fun? You can't have six anymore. Come on Edgar, that's... Here's a suggestion. Blow your f***ing brains out in front of all these people. Come on Edgar, I got a lot to live for according to everybody. Maybe I can help. Oh! Blackmire now! Hey buddy, we got a catch up. Yes, you'll be out of your misery. Blackmire, have you lost your mind? I'm holding this gun until you start thinking straight. Yeah, and second thought maybe you should hold this Cleveland. All the crap white people have given you your whole life. Peter, you could get free tacos with me. It worked. Blackmire, why the hell would you want to kill yourself? Yeah, whoever heard of a depressed ventriloquist. My life is over. I tried to adjust, but it's impossible. You want it possible? Try eating local pizza with a guy from New York. You call this pizza? We do here, yes. Hey dad. I'm so sorry Glen, and I know what you're going through. No, you don't. I had mine bitten off by a shark. I'm not allowed to go into the ocean anymore. I also have Crohn's disease. They're unrelated, so I brought you something to cheer you up. A Yeti cooler. Your gift is inside. Is that you're, I can't take your penis, dad. Please take it. If you don't, I'm just going to give it to Paul Ryan. Weird. Browdy you guys, but weird. Okay, has everyone washed their hands? Me neither, but going forward, let's try. I know, but it's nice that they served hot dogs for the surgery. There it is, give me that. Nurse, you put it on there. I'm not gay. You've given me the greatest gift I could ever ask for. I love you, son. I love you too. Will it work, Dr. Hartman? Oh yes. I'm not sure about urination or sex, but otherwise yes. It's like knives are stabbing into my crotch. Oh, alright, that'll go away once you fill your prescription at Goldman's pharmacy. I'm trying to get more involved in the writing this season. In fact, I think family guy should be more of a dramedy. So, Gwagmar, how's the new rod hold it up? Yeah, you know, it's good, pretty good. My dad didn't mention there's a four inch mole on the left side. What? Uh-huh, it's like the size of a 50 cent. Yeah, some gals find it off-putting. I try to tell him it's my dad's old penis, but that, um... Well, I'm happy for you, Gwagmar. Don't be. Anyway, I got to take a leak. Old self. Yeah, seems he hasn't missed a beat. What's that noise? Ahhhhhhh! That's the sound of peeing out your dad is wainer. Our top story, an austere monetary policy has the European Union on the brink of collapse, threatening the entire global economy. Big UFC fight this Saturday. Wow, I can't wait to see that fight. Me and the guys are going to watch it at the clam. If you let me out of this, I will go to Meg's ballet recital in your place. Deal. I did not go to the recital. What the hell? Jerome, what are you doing to fights tonight? I've got to go back to Long Island to see you. Hey, you meds fan, huh? No, no, Joe, now is not the time to use your new conversation techniques. No one to take care of, so unfortunately I'll be gone for a while. I gotta close this place for a month. Nice one, Joe. You're on the board. Look, I don't want to close the place either, but I don't have anyone to run it. What if we run it for you? That's a great idea. Be story. Wow, you fellas would really watch this place for me? Are you kidding? Running a bar is my dream. I'm gonna get that and waking up a rooster. Gah! Enjoy the rest of your Saturday. Well, look at us. Running the clam. Joe, why are you dressed like that? Because I'm a mixologist. Could I get an old-fashioned? Classic. Run and Coke coming right up. And could I get a Moscow mule? Have a whiskey. Ruh, coke. Come on, rider. Could I get a run and Coke? Perhaps you okay? Well, business has really picked up. I think it's because of the trivia night, Quagmire started. Okay, in what country, no phones. I'm seeing phones. In what country, no phones. Can you find the monuments called I see phones? Weeks and no one's gotten a single answer wrong. Everyone's like, hey, settle down. We're not using our phones. I see you using your damn phones. I spread the word about my sweet playlist. This is just a bunch of covers of life as a highway. We went to the wrong place. Hey, guys, I had a great idea. A real bull? If that thing gets mad, it'll destroy the bar. See, it loves it here. It's even picking out a song. My first jug to this song. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! GER, do you know anything about this? What? No. Ed GER? Well, then I am Sanguine. Huh? Ah-ha! Guys, wake up. Oh, man, the bull kicked our asses and totally trashed the bar! The thrones when Stanis' daughter is burned alive at the stake. Oh, wait! It's from Winori and that other tiny girl fight to the death! Hey, Jerome. Hey, Peter. I have some bad news. Oh, man, that sucks, though. What's your friend is probably just jealous? Peter! There's nothing left for me here. You take good care of Peter. It's my prized possession. I see you tomorrow. When Jerome sees that painting, he's gonna kill us! Don't worry, guys. He's got another one over there. That's Bruno Mars. He's a beautiful mixed-up tomorrow person. Stupid. Come on, guys, we got no choice. We have to paint that portrait of Jerome's mother ourselves, and this is the only clashing town. Ah-ha! I've had so much fun. Me, too. This wine is an artist. Ah-ha! I don't think Paul really wants to marry me. Ah-ha! Oh, God, Jerome's gonna be here any minute and then we're totally screwed! I guess all we can do now is the honorable thing. What the hell happened to my bar? And my painting? Ah, it's working. Oh no, I left the real me in there. He's falling for it, guys. He thinks I'm me!