Hello and welcome back to my YouTube channel. This is Shazam Bank, your strategic life relationship and intimacy coach. And today I'm really excited to be able to talk about anger because I feel it's something all of us deal with, all of us have experienced, but a lot of times most of us don't know how to handle and how to actually learn to respond as opposed to react. So when you start at the basic of what is anger, I like to think of it as it's an emotion where you actually get to learn to blame. Because when you feel angry, in the moment everything becomes about what is not happening for you, everything becomes about you, everything becomes about somebody else letting you down or the economy letting you down or the world letting you down. And when you feel angry towards a certain situation, I feel it's a beautiful, powerful way to repress vulnerability. Because remember when you're feeling anger, you're more in reaction as opposed to learning to pause, to take a moment to say, right now I could learn to respond to this instead. Right now I could take a moment to step back and say, I need to walk away from a situation that's triggering me so I can actually process how I'm feeling and then be able to come back to that situation with the level head, a level emotional head and be able to deal with the situation. So when people flare up, when you're dealing with somebody getting angry at you, learn to be able to take a step back and just recognize this is somebody that's in pain and they've not been told how to deal with the pain and take pain and verbalize it. This is how they react instead and it could be a trigger for you that gets you to flare up and scream back at somebody which just means now you have two people functioning and moving out of ego as opposed to moving out of your true self. Anger pulls you away from who you really are. Now when you look at some of the reasons of why do I get angry, I want you to think about every single time you've ever got angry and you put it down to two reasons. The first one is unmet expectation. You'll get angry at somebody because your value system, the rule book of your life means somebody should do something for you. Somebody should treat you a certain way and when they don't do that, when those expectations are not met, when somebody should know and you shouldn't have to keep telling someone how to treat you, that results in the first level of a reaction which is normally to be angry. The other thing is to think about point number two which is your needs are not being met. Whenever you feel in a relationship it could be at work, it could be what your core work is, it could even be in traffic, it could be in the intimate relationships you have or even with your parents. When you're starting to feel angry about situation, it's because you feel these people don't understand who I am and they don't understand how to meet my needs at a level that fulfill me. And the first thing to do is really take a pause back and really think about the fact that everyone's dealing with life in their own way and life is all about as much as it is about you, it's about the next person as well. And so a lot of the times they end up feeling they don't understand your world because they're just consumed with their world. So recognizing unmet expectations and unmet needs and trying to pull it out from someone else and being angry with them leaves you in a place where you're absolutely powerless. The fact that you know how to meet your expectations and you know how to meet your own needs, that is power for you to learn, you don't need the other person in your life to fulfill that for you. It's probably you feeling angry, you can do it for yourself. So learn to also take a moment and say what could I do for myself right now which leaves me less reliant on needing or expecting from somebody else. The third point of why would anger be such an easy option? We run to feeling anger first because that allows us to suppress ever feeling pain, ever feeling shame or guilt or sadness and we're not conditioned to learn how to deal with those emotions. So when you feel anger, you're living out of reaction and you're not able to think process or slow down your emotion at all. I like to ask people if you took a moment to ask yourself what's below anger right now. So I'm feeling really angry, my partner didn't do something. I'm feeling really angry, my boss just won't recognize the work that I'm putting in. What is below the anger? Could it be pain? Could you be feeling sadness? Could it be unhappiness? Because a lot of the times when you go through a list of what is below that and what's below that emotion and what lays below that emotion, at some point you come right back to yourself. So it's never even about the other person. It always comes back to you because remember you give an emotion out, you give a reaction out which means you can also learn to be able to give a response out. It comes back to the basics of psychology which is there's a stimuli and there's a reaction from that. Learning that anything that's going to trigger me, learning what your triggers are, making a list of what could potentially trigger you puts you into emotional awareness to be in situations where you're like, ah, I could get triggered by this but I know how I can choose to respond instead. Something I love to tell people is if you're feeling angry, remember right now you're in ego. If you take the e out you can let the anger go. It's one of my favorite phrases. Another beautiful story I love to share with people is if you're holding hot coal in your hand and you think I'm going to hold this hot coal so I can throw it at somebody else. It might hit them and it might burn them but it won't do that without also having burnt you first. So anger affects you before it affects the person you take it out on. It emotionally and it physically changes your biochemistry inside your body that leads to illness and sickness. So learn to replace anger with vulnerability and being vulnerable means I'm going to have to feel pain at times in my life. That being said don't run away from anger. Sometimes anger is needed because anger helps you leave that toxic relationship. Anger helps you quit that job that you're not valued in. Anger helps you set boundaries. The thing is to learn how to manage your anger not have anger manage you and the thing is to not let anger get toxic for you because toxicity will stay inside of you. So learn the beautiful easy ways of choosing a different emotion that you rather operate from with anger. The other thing is choose how to respond. You could decide I'm going to walk away from this situation. I'm not going to suppress how I feel I'm going to learn how to talk about it. I'm going to think about what's the real emotion below it and then I'm going to question why am I even feeling angry. So go through those four steps really quick. Master those questions. Ask yourself better questions when you're in a situation when someone comes into your face and here's the last secret I'll give you about anger. When someone's reacting to you and you don't react back you're going to leave that person feeling silly for having behaved that way. If someone comes at you screaming and shouting and you choose to stain your essence you choose to stain your power and not give them what they really want out of that fight and you choose to be kinder or you choose to say a kind word and say I can understand you're really angry right now. What I'm really seeing inside a few is this is a need that hasn't been met and if I contribute it to that I'm sorry. You are going to immediately confuse and defuse that person. So remember the power lays in you. You can choose to be angry or you can choose to be the change that you want to see not only in the world but in yourself. I love meeting people that get so worked up with calm energy and I love to see how my calmness can change them. So I want you to practice this week. Whoever in your life might be someone that lives out of anger watch how you respond to them and if you're somebody that's consistently also getting angry I want you to be able to take a pause learn what your trigger is and say what can I choose instead to give out as opposed to being angry what emotions have not been met inside of me. What do I need to deal with and it's all about you. Anger begins with you and it ends with you. It's never ever about the other person. I hope you enjoyed this video. Don't forget to subscribe to grow with me to learn with me. I'm also a student of life so I love to read your comments on things that have triggered you and ways you grew past them and hit the bell so you get a notification because we're going to have these videos every single Thursday and I want to get to know who you are as well. So until next Thursday.