At moments like this, I would like to quote my good friend, Carl Reiner, who has often said to me, you don't give awards to comedians. First of all, comedians don't need awards. Awards are for people that are looking for work. We're not looking for work. If you're any good as a comedian, you've got tons of work. We've all got wrinkled suits and smelly shirts from packing and unpacking and schlepping all over the goddamn country, doing 10 million different kinds of gigs. And secondly, and even more important is your whole career as a comedian is about making fun of pretentious, high-minded, self-congratulatory BS events like this one. The whole feeling in this room of reverence and honoring is the exact opposite of everything I have wanted my life to be about. I really don't want to be up here. I want to be in the back over there somewhere over there saying something funny to somebody about what a crock this whole thing is. And I don't want to give you the wrong impression. I don't want you to think that I'm not honored by this because I am. I feel very, very honored. But it's just that awards are stupid. Every real estate office has some frame, five diamond presidents award, thing by the desk. Every hotel check-in has some gold, circle service thing. Every car salesman's a platinum jubilee winner. It's all a big jerk off. It is. The hotel sucks. The real estate person is stupid. And the only thing the car salesman is good at is ripping you off. And why? Because awards don't mean a goddamn thing. It's stupid. They're all stupid. All the award shows on TV. Honestly, it is beyond me that we feel the need to set aside a night to give out these Jag-Off bowling trophies six times a year so all these people can pat each other on the back how much about how much money they're making, bore on the piss out of half the world. And if I hadn't already won all these awards, I would not be talking like this. The truth is that the comedians should be the only one getting awards. We're the only ones that have to actually think of something original and funny and interesting to say. You know how hard that is? You know how hard it was just to write what I'm saying to you right now? It was hard. This took a long time. But we can do it. I'm just sick of all these actors. I don't know why we're so fascinated with actors in this culture. They haven't got a thought in their stupid bedhead hairdo mini-brains. We must honor this man. Why? He pretended to be Bob Johnson. He's a genius I tell you. It's genius what he's doing. Playing dress up and pretend it's not genius ladies and gentlemen. It's not genius. Roll the cameras, put on these clothes. They're there ready. Say who we told you to say. Fantastic. He did it. Give this man a huge golden trophy. He's a god damn genius. Walking down the red carpet in these ridiculous outfits like their senators from Krypton. It's just a stupid thing. But what can I do? I have to thank HBO. I have to. All comedies. These three guys and me. Oh, HBO. We owe them. That's why they're here. They're here to take these guys want to do this? They don't want to do this. They owe. They gave me a one hour HBO special. They were the first people that ever thought I should be on TV for more than six minutes. And I was introduced on that show by Carl Reiner. And I don't you know the show that's it. What can you say about it? And I'm very proud of this and it's a thrill. I'm going to do it again next year. This could be it. I don't know. But this is a great and incredibly sweet thing and meaningful thing in my life. Thank you very much HBO. And thank you all for coming. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.