Welcome back to Sister Circle Live for many finding a best friend and a maid is exactly what they're looking for in a relationship But the question is how transparent should you be? Shit couples tell each other Hit a help us explore this topic is our mental health expert and our sister spirit. Thank you so much This is a real This is a real This is a real go I have some questions. I'm gonna wait my turn What you really want to answer Because most people can't handle the truth when it comes to this one Okay, which which brings so should you know everything with that whole hand little truth? And we all know I have a fianchi. Oh, and I'm about to give Mary real real soon. Okay, but I Kind of feel like I don't need to know everything that happened in his past Per say because he had a life before me, but I feel like we should really have open conversation and tell each other things that happened Within the confines of our relationship because I don't think anyone should be able to tell me anything about my life My relationship and my situation with him before anybody else does I should know I can't be coming to me telling me something I don't know about this or we That's like that premarital counseling piece is super important because premarital counseling will help you guys figure out not just the right now But the future as well and you want to have a plan before you get there But that other part about I shouldn't have anybody else telling me anything about him. That is absolutely a one Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am We always know about the why you know we always know why we should talk to our people You know, it seems like the right thing to do all the time, but we never really get into the how Mm-hmm. How do we effectively communicate with our better half? Even especially when it's something that we know that it's not going to be favorable. Yeah, okay, oh, no, okay So this is let's do one major rule that I always tell people since that you have to remember that you are a team 100% of the time even when it's bad and so you cannot make your partner on the on the opposite side of that You are not the problem and your partner is not the problem the problem is the problem and it's up to the tool You to work together to solve that problem no matter what the problem is it's a So change yourself. That's right. It's a both of you to get that situation to where it is So you have to see your role in it You have to figure out the solution and remember we're always on the same team That's good, you know Communication is key it really is but how much information is too much information and then I got another B part But there's never it is never about too much information It is about where you are as a couple and you can't just go from zero to 60 overnight So if we didn't start off telling each other everything we can't sit down and go let's just air out everything today But you're not going to be ready for that. Okay. You have to learn how to build up to transparency Okay, that is the key here and the other thing to remember is no matter how long you hold on to something Understand that when your partner hears it that is the first time So if you're saying I had an affair 10 years ago Understand that it's new to them today and you will be dealing with it like it just happened Well, how do you convey your message clearly and concisely to a person that is very sensitive and receiving information? Some people are hypersensitive, you know in a bit judgmental in their approach. How do you do that? Well, you know, it's not necessarily about conveying your message It's about making sure that the message is over there I think it wasn't the word I'm doing well You raise a critical point the thing is that couples have to know how to communicate and so it's not just about sending the message But it's about also making sure that the receiver gets it and so you have to have traffic You have to decide when I tell you something I don't need for you to just jump in and respond to it But I need for you to tell me what you think you heard so that we're on the same page throughout the entire Communication what you think you heard approach Because I can say something to you and then all the sudden you want to argue with me But before you go ahead and tell me your position on it Tell me what you think you heard me say so that we're truly on the same page And so that I'm making sure that you're responding to my intention Right because you can hear something and go no no no that's not what I'm trying to communicate to you You got hung up on that word, but my meaning is over here, but I'm really wanting to talk to you I mean, I mean, I think right and then the same breath How come some people always you have to they want to make sure you understand how they feel? Like it's not fair like Like what if I don't want to talk I mean, okay, you failed that way. I felt this way. Can we move on? You can't move on and the reason Ask if you want to know you can move on because here's the thing You it is more about how you make somebody feel What they think right and so Maya told us a long time ago We will never let you come on then but they're about how you make them feel and when somebody tells you that you hurt them You don't get to decide that you didn't And so if you just hurt them and then try to move on to what it is that you want your agenda You lost them way back there when you wanted them So you always have to respond to the wound triage first Then solution later We're gonna find out about this triage When we come back we have more experience Yes, I got this This is the train of phase We are back without good friend spirit and the conversation is so good Yeah, I'm talking about this Yes, we're talking about you know telling everything in relationships. Should you or should you not so if you tell everything Mm-hmm What happens after that? Listen if you tell everything the idea but it's not I'm telling so that we're breaking up so there's consequence I'm telling you everything so we're always on the same page And so really telling everything it's not about what happened in the past it's about in the context of your relation And people will govern themselves differently when they know that there is complete accountability Mm-hmm If you have your partner's past words if you can use your partner cell phone at any given time If you know who your partner's friends are where you are how you behave Do you govern yourself differently and so I always tell couples If it's something that you wouldn't do in the presence of your partner then it's probably something you shouldn't be doing in their absence Wow Let me ask you this spirit what if you know that your your better half Mm-hmm It may not be or sometimes the better half may not be evolved emotionally and you know that Yeah and you might be at a place where you feel like even if they tell you everything you could be okay with it But you know that they probably will not Should you still wait hold it how do you handle that? That's a great question Yeah that's a goal to work towards you have to decide the kind of relationship that you want to be in So if you want to be in a relationship where you can tell your partner everything but they're not there yet That's again that's a problem for the two of you to work on as a team This is a place where babe you're not there but I really want to be able to tell you everything And I want to know you can receive it and this is how I want us to rock when we do that Why? We built to that work towards that and don't enable that poor behavior by simply going they can't handle that I'll just go home going to there How do you tell someone that they're just too sensitive? Well see anytime you say too it means Not too sensitive Too means you're too much really it is I would like to see you be different and understand It's not that they're too much they're too much for you So really it's a reflection of how you feel it has nothing to do with them So when they're pushing and poking what is it that they are raising up in you? What is it that makes you know that is raising in me? I'm just saying that I'll just say general You want to be one more of this great that's please follow her at talk to the spirit Thank you so much for being here See you guys