Alright, we got Brent Reed, Heath Cordes, Cordes, Cordes, Cordes. Hey Alex, how do you spell or how do you say Heath Cordes' name? Is it Cordes, Cordial Charries or some shit? Little Consentials? Heath Cordes. So it's our second iteration of nobody cares comedy show. You have Heath Cordial Charries, those delicious little cherries that are like, is this right? Is this wrong? That's pretty much Heath and that fucking nut show. We just cleaned up, set the bar, the bar set. With the funds on over, we did a bunch of hot laps in the go kart. JT took the comics off-roading on the dirt track, and worked with some skits, cleaned up some jokes, and now everyone's arriving at Pink 79 to watch Heath and Brent Reed crush the best house gig. You're probably not invited to. I'm going to get a ride there. I get one of those. Heath, how you feeling? I'm nervous. Feeling a little bit nervous, huh? Yeah. I like problems. Alright, are you ready? Yeah. You ready? Yes sir. Alright, let's go! Yeah! Guys, this guy is absolutely fantastic. He just won the gold ticket on Killatoni. This guy's been crushing all over town. Please put your hands together. If I want to only Heath Cordist, ladies and gentlemen. What's up? Yeah, very happy to be here. I just moved to Austin. And I like to hear a lot, but there are a couple times I've gotten confused. Like, one time I was walking down Sixth Street, and there was this guy on his phone talking to an Instagram live, and he saw me and he goes, yo! Look at that vapid baby! He goes, hey, little baby, blow some clouds! So I blew some clouds. I entertained the man. And then he saw my tattoos and wanted me to show those off. So I showed them this one right here, and I showed them this one. And then I showed them my penis in the alley. He tricked me. I ran into this other guy walking across Seventh, broke his legs with my car. What's these? I just moved out of my grandma's. I love her grandma. It wasn't too bad, but we had our run-ins with each other. Like, my grandma, she likes to bake like cookies, cake, brownies, you name it. And I smoked a lot of wheat, so poor she could throw us on my strong suit. And I would eat this shit up as fast as grandma could make it. And she would always tell me how it pissed her off. But she still made the sweets. She was like a pimp feed a crack to her bitch. I'd have to pack for cookies and say, please grandma, please! She'd say, shut your ass up. She said, get out of my bitch. And if she was hard to budge, I'd do what I had to do. And I suck grandma's dick. I'd say the blacks are going to hell with so-or-the-gays. Now, give me a cookie. And it works every time. I have no shame. My grandma, she was a very homophobic lady, kind of racist, but very homophobic. And no, I don't agree with either of those things, but I still realize that you can look past it. And choose love. And me, I'm going to choose love anytime. Free food and shelter is involved. And plus not to sound cruel, but she's going to die in like 20 minutes anyways. You know, it doesn't matter. Homophobic babies, I'll beat the shit out of them. I'll serve social justice, one biggie to baby at a time. I don't give a fuck. Funny thing though, with grandma is, I'd spend time with her when we watched game shows and home work together. And she absolutely loved it, but I think that's gager than hot cheese on my forehead. I don't know. One time I thought I made my grandma disappear, like in home alone. Anyone can do it, you just got to take LSD and Benadrill. One morning before the sun was up, I was tripping really hard. And my grandma comes in my room and she tells me to turn off the TV and to go to bed. So I take a few Benadrill and as I'm drifting off, I'm thinking, I hate living here. I wish I lived alone. And when I wake up from my Benadrill slumber, my grandma is not in the living room. She's not in her room. I check the garage, but her car's still there. What the fuck? It worked. So I ran around naked and wiped off. She was just in the bathroom. I needed to get a job again. I'm getting pretty broke. I used to have a job at Crackerboro as a host and that was one of the easiest jobs I ever had. I just take people to tables. But I wasn't very good at it and I know this because some check-as and Philip told me so. One day while I was at my podium, Philip comes up to me and he tells me that he's at a party of five. But he's the only one there and he needs to be seated at a table right now. I tell Philip, I'm sorry, but his policy for at least four or more members of the party to be present until they can be seated. And Philip says to me, no, no, no. I'm going to be seated right now. And then he calls me a little shit. And I say, wow, Philip, there's no need for naked going. You're going to have to show me some respect. And Philip says to me, respect's not given. It's earned. Well, shit, he got me there with that poorly used cliche. It's like, well, in that case, Philip, let's go ahead and see you at this big ass table. It breaks the rules just so I can hear some gratitude out your mouth. You know what, Philip? What this chair? Why don't I get down on all fours and you can sit on my goddamn bag? How's that sound? I got scoliosis, but you can do it if you call me sir. But I didn't say that to Philip. I go, I wanted to, it's not my nature. So sadly, what really happened after he called me a little shit was I just sat on my couch and then I came up. I'm like a bitch and then I cried like one. And my dream is to become a comedian. That's my dream. But I'd be lied if I said it was the only one because when I close my eyes to go to bed at night, I sometimes have a dream about running into Philip again one day. That way I can show that old man that someone still cares about him and maybe even make his little heart grow. Right before I crush it with everything I have. Because the most important part of this dream I have is the part where I force my testicles into Philip's mouth. And he tries to bite him off and spit him out as anyone would, but he can't because they're deep in there and I already took his digits out. So it just looks like he's teething on my testicles for a bit. But eventually, hold his nose and give it the sweet rosy snot. So I may not be working, but I'm definitely working shit out. Thank you guys. You've been amazing. Guys, he's got us one more time, ladies and gentlemen. If Matt and I make Williams calls you, he says, you want to go to Bernie? You say fuck yeah. I never would have been able to listen to Joe Rogan. Tomorrow, tomorrow, we're not getting black out drunk to the show. But tonight we are. Now it's decided. So I'm going to give Heath the caprice down. That'll do it for him. I don't get it. It's not for him. Get it down. You can join the hangout with what you read next. 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