Carol, you're a bisexualist. Can you tell me how I can test to see if my son is a bisexual? Why do you think he might be bisexual? Has he told you he's attracted to men? No no. I don't think he's gay. Nothing as bad as that. But I'm worried he might be bisexual. Oh. What do you think being bisexual means? Well, it means he won't get a good job, and his future wife won't be able to trust him. No. What do you think the definition of the word bisexual itself is? Bisexual means unable to make up your mind if you should be having sex with a man or a woman, because you want to have both. Ah. Well that's not how most bisexual people define it. Isn't it? Oh. How do they define it? For people who are bisexual it's not about the sex you're having. It's about who you find attractive. It's easy to be attracted to either short hair, or long hair or curly hair. If you found all three hairstyles attractive you wouldn't need to have three partners. Bisexuals are just attracted to more than one gender. We don't need to have multiple partners. But some bisexuals do leave women to date men. Of course. And some people who like all sorts of different hairstyles leave people with short hair for people with long hair. But it's not the gender or the hairstyle that is the important factor, it's who the person is. Like the way my wife left me for Sam. She said it wasn't about me, it was about him, he wasn't me and that was what she liked about him. Okay, yes. I'd rather not think about your love life, but sure. It's just like that. But if bisexuality is that simple, how can I know if my son is bisexual? There's a simple test. What you do is, you go up to your son. Do I sneak up on him? Do you normally have to do that to have a serious conversation? Sometimes he sees me coming. You go up to your son and this is what you do, you say to him son, are you bisexual? It's okay if you are, I just wondered. Whatever reply he gives, respect it. Whom? I guess. But isn't everyone bisexual? Like your mum? What? No. How dare you? Sorry, I'm just tired of hearing that. Saying everyone is bisexual is often a way of asking bisexuals to shut up about being looked down on. If everyone's bisexual we're not a minority, so shut up. I meant, does everyone have the potential to be bisexual, but media and society? Uh, something or other. Go on, media and society what exactly? I don't know. Exactly. If the messages we received from society were all that stopped us being by, then how come some people are still gay or bisexual? They weren't all brought up by hermits. Unless they are crabs. Hermit crabs. Can crabs be bisexual? Do they even have sexes, or are they like snails and that guy on the TV? Stay with me Ted. If the message that it's okay to be bisexual is so corrupting that it can turn teenagers into bisexuals then that's quite amazing, because the message that it's not okay to be biased so very, very much louder, especially for men. But I guess that's because women kissing is hot. And men kissing is icky. For most straight men, yes. That's why that as the message the media puts out and that's why bisexual men don't come out of the closet. Or they're shells, if they're crabs. Bisexual crabs. I had crabs once, but that doesn't make me bisexual does it? Brian, it's up to people how they define themselves. Not society, not the media and not me. But just this once, I will make an exception. I declare you officially not bisexual. For sensible information about bisexuality go to www.bisexualindex.org.uk.