Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story, today the co-hog river was dyed red in honor of Valentine's Day. Stupid hallmark holiday anyway. Oh, hey, Brian, how's your night going? Happy Valentine's Day! Oh, yeah, we're gonna go all night. If you're stuck being a single loser, you might as well just embrace it. Wait a minute, what am I thinking? Shuckle is poison as to dogs. I better stop her. Ugh! Hey, what's your matter, Brian? Have you fallen and can't get up? Guess I better not drop the soap. That one's the death penalty. You're very lucky. We managed to pump your stomach just in time. Oh, thank God. Well, it's a pretty extensive list. I'm gonna need Billy Joel to help me out. Old Ted Rock and Antigocca ton of red Play Doe. Essec Pickles, Banjo Strings, Chicken, Wink, Custingle, Biscaylone. They were in my tummy, because they all looked with those items. So you should have feed him. Does anyone call you Bill Joel or William Joel? He griffin. No, they don't, because I'm an adult. Ugh, who sends a Christmas card to their vet? I know, it's so lame, right? And did you see the lady outside with the empty cat carrier? Ugh. Hey, I'm Brian. Shake? Nice to meet you. I'm Ellie, Antigocca, so I'd stop chewing the crap out of my foot. I know it's the best. But while I was here, I also had to get... A prescription, Phil, let me give you my number. It's on the back of here. It's this. See you around, Brian. Definitely. Bye, Ellie. This is the Veteran Arians. I think you want the Veteran Arians. This must happen all the time. We're ready for the German Shepherd. This is a very confusing lobby. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I think you could be with me right here in this place. I met someone amazing the other day at the vet's office, and... Well, she's actually a dog to walk around in a circle many, many times before lying down. So that's who you were texting with? Ha, ha, ha. That's good. You're rereading your own texts. Yeah, do you not do that? God, I forgot how much I love art. Hey, who's your favorite artist? You know, I really like that Jackson Pollock. And you don't have to keep trying so hard to impress me. I already really like you. I really like you, too, Ellie. Truth is, I haven't felt this way with anyone in a long time. No, why do you have such a perfectly coiffed Anus? Thank you. No, thank you. It's perfect. Perfling on it, you have to stop and admire it. Come on now, Brian. A lady has to have a few secrets. This must be how Ronald Reagan felt about Nancy. Wow. Thanks again. What a nice dinner. You're such an amazing guy. I'd say we're both lucky. Don't, don't do that. What? What? What's the matter? Yeah, that's going to be a terrible car, right, man. I would hate to be you. Brian, it's not that I don't want to kiss you with whichever male dog wins the competition. What, like, like, breathe, breathe? This happens in the dog show world. I have to have sex with whichever male dog wins. We're entering a dog show. Where's Stewie? He ate me. I ate him. He died with me right back. All right, Brian. Now if we're going to get you ready to compete in that dog show, we've got a lot of training to cover. You click it when you want me to do a trick. And then I get a treat, so I associate the two. No, I use it to punctuate my jokes. If Nathan Lane can do it, so can you. Okay. And so far, they've all landed. Unlike the planes on 9-11. Not funny. You know, I was supposed to be on one of those planes. Yeah, me too. Brian Griffin? Brian? What are you doing here? Oh, hey! Today, I thought I'd give it a try. Who knows? Maybe I'll end up top dog. Brian, most of these dogs have been training since birth. Are you sure you're ready for this? I'm a regular big ol' scout. Good luck, Brian. That's your competition. His name's Max. He's a four-time winner and kind of a crowd favorite. Okay. Who wants to start the dog show? Don't you, don't you, don't you, don't you, don't you, don't you, don't you, don't you, don't you. Can now announce our female division, the winning bitch, Catherine Heigel. Thank you, thank you. No, but for real. Brian Griffin! Yes! Man, thank you for all your help, Stewie. I really couldn't have done it. What's going on? This is it. It's happening right here. Right now? Uh-huh. They have to certify the union, Brian. In fact, could someone maybe turn on some, some Drake or the weekend? Ha! He's blowing it. He can't do it. Asked to anything in this town that's sex-related. Offering manual assistance? Commencing union. Just give me a second to get like a scenario in my head. Maybe a hot babysitter who needs to pay for college, so she... Can somebody please shut those dogs up? But I see now that you were right. I'm just not sure how this could work or... This is goodbye. I guess it is. I'll always remember you, Brian. Bees after you. Let's just cross our fingers. It's not one of the ones he eats. Whoa! Max's grandfather may have been a wholesome. Come on, let's just go home. Okay. We're all non-fire. No way. You didn't even stop the fire. Got lots of dogs, Arthur Valentine. So we're all thing there. And Frank can make it better. The heck? I still take the chick. The chick. The chick. Guys, look what I got. It's a magic genie speaker that plays music, talks, and no stuff, all without wires, and put on a pair of glasses I never wear to look at these directions. Or if they were given out medals for tiny writing. Huh? Huh? Okay. Brandy? What's going on in the news? Breaking news from the Huffington Post. Not too long ago, when people would talk to each other. Yeah, the bad times. The sucky ages. Just like moms and radiohead. Oh, no. No, no. This isn't music. Sharon, hey, it's Brian Griffin. Wondering if you were free for dinner on Saturday. You died? Oh. So you're dead right now? What's that like? Arrogance. Unemployment. Okay, okay. This is not helping my hangover. The hangover part three. I walked out of the theater, and I'm Ed Helms. Okay, no download, but thanks. Maybe you are useful. But I bet you can't answer this question. No thanks, every hot woman. I'll take this woman crawling out of the well from the ring who none of my friends like. Oh, no. Downloading more, Yoko Ono. No, no, no, oh no. Oh, no. I don't care for this music either, David. Boy, you know, I haven't stayed up all night talking like that and forever. Fitbit also bought enormous exercise ball that's always in the way. Why not? What's the biggest poo anyone has ever pooed? Come on, Peter. History's largest bowel movement occurred in 1998. This new hat looks pretty sharp. I bet it does. Shall I alert you when dickcaps.com is having another sale? Sure, I'll get that pre-fraid visor. That's weird. You're on a weird date. Peter, what are you doing here? Pulling a popcorn bucket trick on myself. This is humbling. Oh, just stuff brand suggested I buy. Ooh, that might be the every shark tank item ever packet. You're way over your credit card limit. Hold on, hold on. I didn't buy that. Peter bought that. I know, but I need one. The Grand Canyon spans 277 miles. I'm gonna miss you too, Brandy. Stewie, you know what? It's hard being a dog. Maybe if you stopped feeling sorry for yourself, you could actually do something positive with your life. Down on the couch with my head on the armrest to accentuate how sad I am. One day in your body, I would give it back to you with a new and improved life. A through the nose dog exhale. I realize I've wasted most of my life being a pathetic jerk. You know, like you were at Disneyland. Hey, kid, can you duck down for this picture? What? Why? It's our family photo. Down, you're getting in my way. Stop being a brat and duck down. No way. In fact, I'm standing. Whoa, what's this? Spend a day in my body. You were being literal. It allowed me to inhabit your body and you mine. And then return your body to you. Now, the instructions gave me a couple of options. Stewie, this is ridiculous. Trust me. What do you have to lose? Literally nothing. You've ever made has broken at some crucial juncture. This one won't. All right, you talk me into it. My hand. I mean, your hand. It's mine. We did it. We switched bodies. Wow, this is really weird. It feels like, hey, what the hell have you been complaining about? I can't believe we actually switched bodies, Stewie. It's so heavy. Yeah, you gotta have a wide base. Let the shoulders do more. Okay, I'm off to get you a job, a girlfriend, and on to the road less scummy. So how exactly are you planning to get me a job here? It's very easy. It's a professor is fired for having sex with one of his students. I simply wait until, oh, here we go. Who haven't had sex with a student or tweeted about assassinating the president? Yes, I suppose. What about the preface? Yes, the preface too. So not the acknowledgments? What about the frontispiece? That's not even a thing. Frontispiece. What's wrong, honey? Well, it's a long story, but I was really hoping to come home with a job and a girlfriend today. Really? This day is starting to look up? Follow me into the men's room. Is this dating? I'd like you. She's trying to eat me! Get back here. You owe me $100. Anton, we got a runner. Bitch, go go, Brian Dog legs.