First they said don't buy masks, now they say wear a mask. So here's a quick guide to making your own mask at home because the government clearly doesn't have a clue and it's all on us now. Thanks to the Baltimore Aerial Surveillance Program for these overhead shots, that's some seriously dystopian shit. Cut your fabric into two 6x10 inch rectangles. Looks like 6 inches there. When you measure, imagine you're redrawing your own congressional district to give yourself some extra room for any stupid mistakes. These things are sharp, so be careful. We've got enough tiny pricks growing things up right now. Thread the needle like a Clinton on gay rights. Fold like Republicans on free trade and ham right down the line like way too many votes in the Senate. Republicans, I know you guys love closing borders, so this part should really tickle your nuts. Use string fabric or elastic to make ties for your head. Politicians will need a little extra to get around that thick empty skull. So there you have it, the Joe Biden of face masks. I don't want it, it might touch your face in a strange way. I doubt it could even do the job, but the only alternative seems dangerous and irresponsible. Yet if I even consider a third option somehow, that makes me the asshole.