Hi, package for Brian Griffin. Hell, I can sign for that. Package bright! Huh, what are we at? Look what they used to pack your book in! Shredded up pieces of your book! Okay, that's it, I'm finished. What are you talking about? I'm finished. What, what is it? Look at this. The number one book on the New York Times bestseller list is Dream Your Way to Spiritual Joy by Pauli Shore. This is why nobody bought my damn book. I'm gonna tell you what I'm gonna do. This is why nobody bought my damn book. I'm gonna tell mom you said crap. No, I mean it. I could do it in three hours and idiots everywhere would buy it. Well, why don't you? Believe me, I would love to just to make a point, but I've given up writing. No, no, I promise. I'll be as quiet as a guy in a coma. This is great. I can finally be alone with my thoughts. Wait, I've got it! Predator versus Batman. Why has no one done this? I need a pen. Where's a pen? Oh right, I can't move. And done. There it is, Stewie. Three hours, 27 minutes, and I got myself one big steam and pile of book. You wanna hear it? Oh, definitely. What are you calling it? Oh, brilliant. Make them do the work. Yeah, why not? You know, if people want crap, I'll give them crap. And you know, I have a friend who might be able to help get this published. Um, hey, Brian, when you're done, can I make a pirate hat? Here, just take it. Oh my God, that is fantastic news. I can't wait to tell him. I know. I told you the book was good. Brian, they're publishing your book. You're kidding. I can't believe it. That's the worst thing I've ever written. Not according to Penguin Publishing. In fact, you're supposed to call the Chief Editor. Sir, I have a Brian Griffin on the line. Out. Get out. Get out now. All right, everyone. I made a very special breakfast to celebrate Brian's book coming out. And it's a special breakfast for me, too, right? Oh, I see. You didn't have to go through all this fuss. What you got there? Oh, this? It's just a copy of Us Magazine. Can you believe it? Wish it wanted to do it, got three stars. How hilarious is that? So, hats off to both of us. What a nice going, Stewie. You ought to be my publicist. You know, I don't want you to be offering me this just because we're related. I do have references you can call. You know, I spent a month as Melanie Griffiths' loose skin holder. Much longer! I should have stayed in bed. All right, we're inside and there is nobody here to greet us. We have no idea where we are or where we're supposed to go. Oh, is that you on the phone over there? Is this? This is us. Look over here. Here we go. He sees us. All right. Oh, well, thanks. What's your name? Charhoo's. Oh, my God. It'll just be a few minutes. Now, you have exactly 20 seconds to find us a room with a white sofa, a white table, white hydrangeas, and feed you water. Now, ladies, approach him slowly. He can't really see anymore. I've injected him with the Viagra. Now, I'm going to roll him on his back, but you're pretty much going to have to do 100% of the work. Yeah. Now, what does that mean? Wish it wanted to do it. Well, it basically just refers to the steps necessary for identifying and achieving your dreams and doing so in as effective and expeditious a manner as possible. And we'll be right back with sports. Okay, you're doing great so far. Now, I was just texting with New York. We're doing a whole thing there. I booked your plane ticket, and I specifically asked that you not sit next to an Asian. I just want to warn you, she's very heavy, so be prepared for that. He is. How heavy? I don't know, but apparently heavy enough that they felt they needed to warn me. Oh, look at this. Your book is number three on Amazon. Oh, well, Stewie, I can't tell you how much I appreciate all you're doing. I have been so happy with most everything. Oh, you've most? Oh, yeah, I don't even, it's so tiny, those other things. It's not even worth, oh my god, you're amazing. I've been so thrilled with how you're doing. I just have to tell you, I loved your book, Mr. Griffin. Oh, thank you so much. You made my day. So you're still in school? Okay, well, I'll be right back with your key. She's so pretty, isn't she? Yeah, you know. The sender here to my room? No. Why? Why were you thinking of me doing that? I don't even know what you're saying anymore, man. Just do whatever you're thinking. Okay, okay, I got one. Would your rather have dinner and then sex with Megan Fox's body with Leonard Nemo's head on it, or reroof an entire condo complex by yourself? How many units are in the condo? 32. Tile roof or shingles? Yeah, because it makes a difference what you're carrying up that ladder. Wait, who's neck is it? Huh? I mean, where's the cutoff? You know, is it Megan Fox's neck or am I burying my face and Leonard Nemo's turkey gizzin? What? That's the worst one I've ever heard. Like, I'm sorry, I'm exhausted. I didn't get any sleep because Brian and the neighbors dog kept me up all night. Oh, wow. If you're that tired, Peter, maybe you should have some coffee. Yeah, you could have some red ball. Red ball? The house red ball. You ever heard a red ball? It's an energy drink. Here you go, Peter. It's on the house. Good evening. Our top story tonight, Barack Obama makes a visit to James Woods High School. Oh my god, this is going to be so amazing. It's all anybody my class is talking about. Don't hit. Why is this so hard? Chris, this is just a shaded and triangle in the word month. For God's sake, Megan, it's a first draft. Just tell me if you think the tone is right. Well, I don't know what this is, but it's not what hope is about Chris. Well, if you're such a genius, you tell me what hope is. Wow. Did you learn that at school? No, you can't just learn creative writing, Chris. It's got to be inside you, like musical talent or athleticism or the ability to choose to be gay. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Watch out party people. Ah, what the hell are these things? Curtains or something? Boring! Holy smoke, it's crowded in here. Hey! Little man! Hey, now when'd you get to the place? Hey, now when'd you get that cow? That's a silly question. I was like, I bought it so we can have fresh milk every day. Wait a second, give me that. Hope pushes the caterpillars through the cocoon and drives the salmon upstream. I wrote that! You sold this for me. Hey, what are you doing? Lois, where is my red ball? Peter, I got rid of it. Why the hell would you do that? Official flower business. Peter, are you alive? Ah, you're alive. Okay, I won't eat you then. Doctor Hartman, please tell me, is my husband gonna be alright? Can't Cooen, actually. Thanks for asking. Just got back. Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid all the toxic chemicals your husband ingested from his homemade energy drink have caused total kidney failure. Oh my god, kidney failure, is he gonna be okay? Well, yes and no. We'll put him on a kidney transplant list, but that could take months. Until a donor is found, he's gonna have to undergo dialysis treatments three times a week. Hey, Doc, I'm here for my dialysis. Ah, have a seat, Peter. Let's get you hooked up. Huh. Ha, the lock horns. Always lock and horns. Oh my god, that's why the carpet. Shmum, here it is. As Cohog prepares for the arrival of President Barack Obama, it will be a very big day for one local teenager who will be reading his essay to introduce the president. Do you believe in angels, Tom? Of course I do. Well, there you go. I suspected angels. It was angels. Very good. Chris Griffin, weaver of dreams at the loom of the mind. Oh Chris, we are so proud of you. I got to admit, Chris, this is pretty exciting. When did you become so coherent? Meg, is that true? No, he's lying. That should be me getting to meet the president. Meg, for God's sake, relax. You're not the first person to be outshined by a sibling. What about the third Bronze Sister? Ah, it's a period joke. It's a period period joke. Ha, ha, okay, moving on. What's wrong with the TV? Here's what you used to see. Good night, Mike. Good night, Carol. And here's the stuff you missed. Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Diane can't be with us today. Where is Diane, I like him, Joyce? Thanks, Tom. Wow, you sound crazy nervous. In local news, there was a hit and run by a drunk driver today at Kohog Park. Two children are missing. He's awful. But I thought Rush Limbaugh is a fictional character played by Fred Savage. When did you hear that? Fox News. Then it's a lie. Everything Fox News says is a lie. Why's Limbaugh coming here? Don't they have bookstores at the Nazi fascist, fascist fat camp where he, where he, where he is a counselor? You know what? I'm gonna go down there and give that bastard Limbaugh a piece of my mind. But first I'm gonna sit here and stare at this brown paper bag. I'm pretty sure has food in it. And the other reindeer just kind of ate it. Isn't Christmas magical? Well Sandy, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Obviously I didn't think ahead. It's so cold. Let's cuddle together for warmth. I'm warm enough. You