It is the kind of thing that no matter how you say it will always feel silly but in moments like this when there is expression, there is this little breeze I feel like still in the countryside sitting alone in the field and writing something I can remember Being alone all the time has probably helped me to develop the kind of observer's period I already had as a child and let me to analyze how people interact and act and love Probably because I never knew how to interact and now I have to say that I still don't know if I have understood how to interact. I can tell you if they are hungry or unknowable or just hearing their voice I can tell you if they are in love with someone or if they are already secretly broken if they are a secret burden but I can tell you how they communicate I have always felt like everyone, everyone lives in its own world isolated in himself and can only try to speak to someone else but it will always fail He will always be able to communicate only a small part of what he thinks everything will be misunderstood like there is something between man like a barrier or something like that Love, what a curious human emotion, a lot of people wanted but very less people are actually able to love Yes, love, everybody wants it, nobody can give it I am not scared of saying that I guess it is not my fault if I never had some great examples of love in real life Their inability to love is a big problem, it made them stronger but confused them to the point that sometimes they can't be happy for a long time but this complex stuff and I don't really want to talk about it It's my decision if I want to talk about it or if I want to ignore the problem I wish that there was someone that supported me, someone that cared about me and that kept me going When darkness was haunted me and allowed herself in my brain when I started to feel tired and I couldn't see anything different from avoiding me I wish someone could have shared me all the suffering so I went through so that when I got all this money I could have given help to heal or share your pain and could have a little bit of that person sharing my success with someone and telling them that we are both dead All the time spent desiring for something that we couldn't afford all the loneliness and the everyday pains Now we are above it all and you can have my money, you don't need to work, we can live together and I will pay everything and give you everything you need so you don't have to worry and it will be not a problem for us as we will be sharing and I will not want you to work hard and to face difficulties to cry or feel any pain But there was no one there and money seemed more like a heavy burden of gold if you were alone with them all the time There is no one I can give all of this until then it's yours, I want you to take this, there is no one I believe that being alone for so much time actually made me able to see the advantages of being on your own You don't have to excuse yourself or to explain your emotions to someone that probably will never understand you You don't have to explain yourself, your way of living, you don't need the approval of anybody, you don't need to put an arm around because there is no one around you that may hurt you I believe that there is something scary and supernatural talking to someone and in watching directly in their eyes I love to be surrounded by things, I love buying things, it always makes me feel special, it gives me such a particular and intense but still intimated and private emotion to buy something new and to take it at home It's like I have a new baby and you're so to take care of, there are newborns The wind of the countryside was always full of noises, there were always birds singing, you could get used to them so much that sometimes you could find yourself wondering that they were singing and you didn't notice it The countryside and as long as I was walking around, I could feel delighted just watching the feel and the sky and feeling the sound of my skin and walking around thinking, thinking, always thinking Buying things makes me feel less lonely, without actually having to renounce to the advantages of loneliness, like I said before So I sometimes buy things that I don't really need but I never denied that, I never lied about that, I think I'm pretty honest I can't understand which part of me really beg, really want me to buy something new or to make me look good or try to something I already know is going to hurt more