Ladies and gentlemen, Craig Ferguson. Hi, everyone! Hi! Hi! Hello! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi, everyone! Welcome to the Super Bowl of Ability, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks everybody! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Alright, it's enough. You're great. Thanks! Thanks everybody! Thanks you have fulfilled. You have fulfilled your contractual obligation. You now no longer have to laugh at anything, guys. Why do you point at them to make them laugh? I don't know if people are genuinely laughing anymore. It's just a point to the power laugh, laugh. They're like, ah, ah, ah! When he points at me, I laugh. Yeah! It's a magical power. If you want to be a warm-up comedian and a damp basement and hollywood, you have to have the magical power of pointing at people and scaring them into laughter. Also, I have to say, in an audience which is, I will be honest, you are terrific and very enthusiastic. My eye was always drawn to the one guy who's going... Like, even when people were clapping, he was like... I'm like, oh, man! You're freaking me out! It's a great day for America, everybody. It is. It's a great day for Vladimir Putin, who won yesterday's Russian presidential election. He received a whopping 325% of the vote. The big story, though, is during his victory speech, he cried. Ah-ha-ha! He cried! He has old, hard-ass Putin cry! Rookless autocrats have feelings, too. Do you know any of your picture of Putin crying? There he is. I had to give so many people. You know, in the picture, it doesn't really get a full effect of his tears and his tears. What you need to do is... What we do here when you need to get tears and emotion, you add music and a couple of ferrets. Do we have a picture of Putin crying with music and a couple of ferrets? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. All right, all right, all right. That's enough, that's enough, eh? You want me to show it again? I was trying to wait until the last ferret was squeezed out of the frame. I figured we'd better carry on. Anyway, a lot of Russians think the elections were fixed. I'm not surprised. You got to fix the elections in Russia. It was too cold to go outside vote. I don't know why it's called fixing the election. That implies that an honest election is broken. It's the same thing when you start fixing your pets. Their genitals were working perfectly fine. Before you repaired them. I'm talking to you, Bob Barker. No, you must spend news of your pets. You must. Anyway, I look fixing the Russian elections has been going on forever. I believe it was loveable Russian dictator old Uncle Joe Stalin, who said... He said it's not who votes that counts. It's who counts the vote. That was his joke. He was like... It's not who, it's who counts. You see what I did there? I turned the derog. I turned the derog. Lafara I'll kill you. I'm going to kill you anyway. La! Maybe he had the magical power of pointing and making people laugh. He probably did. Lafara I'll kill you. Anyway, the aftermath of the Russian election makes you really appreciate our election process here in America. We all know that when we cast our votes in a few months, they will be counted fairly and in the end, this country will have a new American idol. We can... We can all forget about two weeks. No. Vladimir Putin anyway. He used to be the president then. He was the prime minister for a couple of years. Now he's been back to the being the president. He's gone back and forth so many times. He's like Bill Clinton bouncing between the buffet and the pole strip club. He's like... Gotta eat. Gotta eat. I'm not saying I like Putin either. I also like Putin. Anyway, this is Putin's third term. So if he does one more, he qualifies for a free haircut at Fantastic Sam's. But... Quality. Um, not for a gilio. Don't worry, I rush a very strict term limit. No president is allowed to serve more than about 1,000 years. Now, immediately... Immediately after the results were announced yesterday, widespread protests took place all across Moscow. The city was overrun by angry, belligerent drunks. Then the protesters turned up and said, Oh, crazy! LAUGHTER But, you know, Putin has clearly heard his critics, so because today he appointed a guy to investigate the elections. And the guy's name... I'm not making this up, this is true. His name is Vladimir the Magician Turov. How's his name? Vladimir Leverjidjan Turov. 200,000 ballots are missing. Are they behind your ear? Perhaps... Paying attention to the chicken in my thrice. You know what I find amazing about the Russian politicians? They're just as corrupt and dirty and drunk as our politicians, but not one of them has tweeted a photograph of his junk yet. Come on, Russian! I thought you were democratic now! Right, Jeff? Right. Right. Oh, God. Yeah. Laugh for the... Oh, no, it's... I was gonna say Laugh for a kill, but it kind of pointless, and... You know, the Yoles led my balls removed. No, I didn't know I had you fixed. You've got a much better now. Yeah, it's good. Care to have... I'd love to. Come on, then. I'm going to leave your home today. I think I get that glittery ball. Yeah, I look that pretty good there. That good deal. 1799? Yeah, the good day throwing the tape for free. I was doing your 54. It's like Jey Leno as a fly. Yeah. Yeah. I'll be back in eight months. Yeah. You can never get rid of him, can you?