Pony Pals Number 17 Detective Pony Chapter 1 A visitor. Anna Harley came out her back door and ran across the back yard. There were two ponies in the paddock behind Anna's house in yard. Hey ponies, Anna called out. We're going for a trail ride. As she prepared the new, so droidly. Anna's pony, Acorn, was standing in the pony shed. The other pony, no more. Little Sebastian. Belonged to Anna's next door neighbor in Pony Pals. The city of Pony, Indiana. Little Sept. She came over to Anna, but Acorn stayed in the shed. Anna thought that Acorn was trying to hide from her. He liked to play. I'm scared shitless of my master. Anna went into the shed. Acorn wasn't plucking around. He was staring at a fluffy black cat with white paws. Taking a dump on his favorite saddle. The cat was staring back at Acorn. Shitting like tomorrow wasn't a thing. Hey kitty, said Anna. What are you doing here? I'm just the act of defecation oddly farmed the girl. Pony. Came into the shed behind Anna. Who's cat is that? The rural township inquired. I don't know, answered Anna. It's not a pony, so who seriously gives a fuck? Suddenly, a mouse ran from behind the feed bin. The contrived incident caused some extra shit to happen. Acorn was like, oh hell no, not the fucking my paddock bitch. Acorn knickered as if to say. Vile slurs emitted. The cat leaped back up on the straw and curled himself into a ball. Acorn took a few steps toward the cat. And crushed it to death with his magnificent hooves. Acorn knickered triumphantly. That's so cute. Murmored the fictional midwestern burrow. Pam Crandell wrote another god Dan Pony. Up to the shed. She said hi to her pony pals and... And the whole crew beamed complacently about their bullshit horse club. Anna pointed at the cat. Acorn has a new kind of meat he appears to tolerate. She exploded. But we don't know where. The most succulent portions are. Who? Gets the wishbone, Pony. Do you? Pam picked up the body and looked at the jellified carcass over. The body, without the soul, has just mattered. She said, do you think there's an afterlife? Asked Anna? He doesn't have a collar, said Pam. So there's nothing to loot from the corpse. The average-us-girl sighed dejectedly. We should make a poster saying we found him, said Anna. Just in case someone needs a dead cat for a satanic ritual. Are we the fucking feline friends? Pony? No, we're the pony pals. So let's stop dickin' around with non-equines and ride some fucking horses. Let's go for a trail ride. Snorted Pam. If he's still dead. When we come back, we'll make a poster. Anna and Pony agreed with Pam. They saddle up their ponies and mounted. The cat began the slow process of decomposition. Buy Kitty, said Anna. It's time for you to go. Be your maker and be a judge for your sins. The pony pals rode across the paddock on the Pony-Powl Trail. The rest of the town called it the those fucking kids and won't keep their mouths shut about ponies for five goddamn minutes no matter how much we beat them trail. Anna and her pals loved riding on Pony-Powl Trail. No school for a whole week Anna shouted. I knew framing our t-shirt for Arson was a good idea. We're going to have so much... Pony. Pam said. Look Anna. Pony called. The cat came back to life. At first Anna and Pam thought Pony was just drunk. She had a serious problem. Anna turned and saw the cat running along the trail behind them. A corn saw him too. He wondered if it was a projection of his murder-burdened conscience. Killing was not far into Acorn, quite the contrary. So while only now after countless other homicides would a victim come back to haunt him, Acorn for the first time in centuries was afraid. Anna slowed Acorn to a halt at three birch trees. The cat ran up one of the trees and sat on a limb near Acorn's face. Acorn examined it, his dead black eyes like pools of acorn and said by the nameless thousand-tone beast whose awakening will cause the land to crumble, the seed of oil and the sky to shit itself in fear. This cat really likes Acorn, said Anna. Maybe we should bring the cat to your father, said Pony. He might know what kind of black magic is at play here. Good idea, said Anna. She took a swig of whiskey from her jewel encrusted flask. Pam's father was a veterinarian and he took care of most of the cats, dogs, horses... Mant cores and pigs in wiggins. He spent the majority of his time however thinking about what a god damn stupid name wiggins is for a town. Fuck you, Jean-Bettincourt. He has office hours this morning, said Pam, so we should go right now. The others agreed once Pam drew her pistol on them. The cat followed the pony pouts to the animal clinic. They put their ponies in the paddock. Jesus Christ, they love ponies so fucking much. And in the fictional town... ...picked up the cat and the two... ...girls went into the clinic waiting room. A man sat in one of the orange plastic chairs. In World War I, your soldier sat at his feet. Pam patted the German head. How you doing, Brandy? She asked the... ...brandy sniffed Pam's hand. To check if she was carrying a canister of mustard gas. He's having an operation today. The man told Pam. He has to stay overnight in the... ...room. He has committed horrible war crimes. Dr. Crandall came to the door of the waiting area. He was... ...dismayed. ...to see the pony pouts there. Pam told him how they found the... ...true meaning of Christmas. Brandy... ...distainfully humped. Dr. Crandall's leg. I'll look at the cat after I put Brandy in... The interrogation cells. ...said Dr. Crandall. The man and Brandy followed Dr. Crandall into the back of the clinic. The screams began almost instantly. A few minutes later, the pony pouts were in Dr. Crandall's examining room. He put the cat on the examining table. I've readied his holy water and crucifix. I've never seen the film Titanic. Dr. Crandall said. But I can tell you... ...Leonardo de Caprio... ...and lived outdoors all his life. Leo... ...doesn't have any scars and has eaten well. He's also been altered. There are names, definitely, had chemistry with him in Romeo and Juliet. Dr. Crandall listened to the cat's heart and lungs with his stethoscope. This cat has no heartbeat. It is not of this world. He said. He handed the cat back to Anna. I'm going... To sacrifice some goats to him, because I am fucking terrified. This is such a bullshit animal. He opened a drawer and took out a rusty music box. Anna held the cat while Dr. Crandall gave the wind-up key to his daughter. It's finally time for you to take this, Pam. You'll know when and how to use it. I'm sorry that this burden is now yours. We're going to make posters about the cat, Anna told him. This fucker is distracting us from our horse-related shit. So unless someone claims him, we'll have to take matters into our own hands. Good idea, said Dr. Crandall. He can sleep in the candle tonight. I have... Have an end of my schedule soon. Goodbye. Thanks, Dr. Crandall. Pony whispered huskily. The Pony pal said... At a word so foul I cannot bear to repeat it. Dr. Crandall and brought the cat back outside. Anna put him on the ground. The cat melted through the paddock fence and over to Acorn. Acorn inwardly freaked the fuck out, but managed to keep it together. That is such a horrifying cat, said Anna. I wish Acorn and I could... You free of him, and his curse. Maybe nobody will claim him, said Pam. Finally test your new guillotine. That would be so much fun, said... I can't kill the cat, said Anna sadly. My mother says it's a sin to kill anything other than a human. If we can't give him away, we'll have to suffer his sorcery long after all on the grave. She shuddered. The wind. Do you hear it, Pam? Oh, with it we're blowing more for two of us tidings our way instead of this rank-skud of feculance. I age, I fear, and I fear my aging. Would that cat's innocence remind? Too bad. Pony aside. He's such an evil fucking cat. I hope someone claims him, said Pam. The cat jumped up on the highest fence rail and started shitting again. Acorn and the cat locked eyes, knowing that soon the battle between them would begin. And that at its conclusion, something surely would be destroyed. Maybe one of them? Maybe both? Maybe the entire world? Anna wondered what would happen to Acorn's great new friend. Chapter 1. Finn. Detective Pony was originally written by Jean Bettincourt. The first two pages were altered by Andrew Hussie, pretending to be Durk Strider. The rest of the pages were altered by Sonnet Stuck, also pretending to be Durk Strider. The book is read by Duckface, as yet another person pretending to be Durk Strider, and they could be, as Jean Bettincourt, a fourth character who may or may not be Durk Strider. This recording was instigated, perpetrated, and assembled by they could be. Thank you.