This is the Onion News Network, now with more attack satellites than any other network. All right, first let's start off in Las Cruces, New Mexico, where the cash-strapped NASA program has launched a new mission to explore New Mexico. A robotic probe set out on its course for Albuquerque at 1014 this morning and began to collect soil samples through the use of its mechanical arm. NASA Administrator Michael Pulasik said the Interstate 25 Odyssey project will provide vital information about the dirt in New Mexico and is much cheaper than actually going to space. The probe has already sent back some incredible footage of the side of the highway. Very cool. Now let's take a look at Pittsboro, Indiana, where champion NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon has donated $2 million to a new anti-illiteracy charity aimed at teaching Jeff Gordon to read. Gordon kicked off the project which aims to stamp out Gordon's illiteracy in his lifetime with a star-studded event where celebrities like Susan Sarandon and Kelsey Grammer read Mr. Gordon some of their favorite books while he sat on a so-called learning rug. At the event, Gordon announced teaching meter read is the most important investment Americans can make in my future. Now, over to Washington DC, where Vice President Joe Biden has made an announcement that he will be releasing his secret service detail and replacing them with a squad of sexy female bodyguards. The team includes Sharp Shooter and Demolition's expert, Vivica Clay, a Zura Moon, a Malaysian martial arts expert, and championed lightweight boxer, Hera Rodriguez. Though the Vice President's bodyguard roster is currently full, Biden said he is always on the lookout for new talent. Anyone wishing to be considered for the team can upload a resume of fighting skills and a photo of themselves in a bikini to the White House website.