Children are not born codependent rather they learn to be codependent as they desperately seek to get their needs met in dysfunctional environments. Thus as codependence mature and gain power they didn't have as a child, they can learn to become recovering codependence. Here are 11 essential skills codependence must learn in order to live a healthier and more fulfilling life. Skill number one. Codependence must learn to honor and respect their needs, feelings, opinions, likes and dislikes. Which is no easy task after years of being people, pleasers riddled with shame. Learning to loves oneself is not just a decision but something that grows through a gradual process of improving self-care skills. Which can be scary at first but which eventually will lead to healthy self-esteem. I frequently tell clients that the most important relationship they would change in therapy and recovery is their relationship with themselves by transforming shame and toxic guilt into self-love. Skill number two. Codependence must learn to identify their feelings, needs, opinions, likes and dislikes. Which also is no easy task after repressing them, denying them and disconnecting from them since childhood. Thus instead of brushing aside the workings of their internal world, they must learn to slow down and pay attention to how they are feeling, what they need, what they value and what they like and don't like. Skills they would have learned in childhood if they'd been raised in a more nurturing environment. Skill number three. Codependence must learn to recognize and overcome the fear, shame and automatic messages from childhood which have told them that their needs and feelings are wrong, bad or burned to others and thus have kept them locked in emotional isolation. In other words, they must learn to allow trusted others to see into their internal world of needs, feelings and opinions in order to free themselves from the loneliness of being a people pleasing codependent. Skill number four. Codependence must learn to skillfully ask for what they want from others rather than continuing to create dysfunctional relationship through chronic people pleasing and suppressing of their own needs. All healthy relationships are built on meeting the needs of both persons, something codependence never learned in childhood because of the dysfunction that surrounded them. Codependence must learn to skillfully say no to what they don't like, don't want or find unacceptable, which is one of the greatest challenges because saying no violates their rigid people pleasing, confrontation, avoiding creed as to how to gain love and acceptance. In other words, they must learn to set boundaries, which is a necessary skill in all healthy relationships and they must no longer allow unhealthy persons to abuse, use or manipulate them. Skill number six. Codependence must learn how to negotiate with others because all healthy relationships are created through negotiation rather than by people pleasing and avoiding confrontation, which only leads to anxiety, depression, stress, resentment and feeling like a failure. Skill number seven. Codependence must learn what they are and are not responsible for in their relationships because childhood dysfunction program them to feel over-responsible for everyone else while ignoring their own needs. Thus they must learn to let others be responsible for themselves so they can learn to focus on their own growth, healing and needs. Skill number eight. Codependence must learn to differentiate between what they can and cannot control because they develop much magical thinking and childhood, believing they could fix others, make them happy and make relationships work all by themselves, none of which are true. No wonder Codependence are so stressed and feel like failures, believing they can control things that are impossible to control. Thus they must stop obsessing on fixing others and learn to keep the focus on their own growth, healing and needs. No. 9. Codependence must learn to deal with their pain directly rather than continuing to distract themselves from it by obsessing on the needs and problems of others. They must break the pattern of compulsive people pleasing and learn to acknowledge their pain and take responsibility for healing it. This is a critical part of recovery where therapy, Codependence Anonymous and Alamon can help them learn to deal with childhood wounds and current stressors in healthy and effective ways. Skill number ten. Codependence must learn to accept help, compliments and gifts to mothers rather than being compulsive people, pleases who act as if they have no needs or feelings. Healthy relationships are interdependent rather than codependent where both people give and both people receive. Codependence are great at giving but in recovery they must learn to receive. Skill number eleven. Codependence must learn to identify and appreciate their strengths which is what healthy people do rather than chronically beating up on themselves for being imperfect which is a recipe for unhappiness. And the truth is Codependence have many strengths such as being caring and pathic, generous, loyal and responsible and when they can add skillful self-care to these strengths well they can become powerful, healthy and loving influences for all who interact with them. In fact they make some of the best therapists, nurses and teachers. Okay, so these are the eleven skills Codependence must learn and recovery for a healthier life. Of course they won't be learned all at once by just watching this video. It will take time, persistence, mindfulness, practice and patience to master these skills for healthy self-care. Your models should become one of my favorite slogans from Alainon, progress, not perfection. So be patient with yourself, kind to yourself and nurturing to yourself as you traverse the learning curve of turning shame and codependency into self-love and self-care. I wish you the best on your journey to a more meaningful life. If you'd like help improving your self-care skills and visit my website serenanyonlinetherapy.com to learn more about the online services I provide. If you liked this video, please click the thumbs up button and then subscribe to my channel to hear more from me. And finally, keep paying attention to your life. Until next time.