Thank you very much. Good evening, everyone. Welcome to Weekend Update, I'm Michael Chase. I'm Colin Joost. Well, guys, it's 2024, but is it? I don't know about you, but when I think of the year 2020, I never think we should run that one back. Yesterday, yesterday, President Biden released a new video with Barack Obama in which they remind people that Obama is still available, but according to polls, people really want to know if Obama is still available. Melania Trump made a rare public appearance when she attended the funeral of former first lady Rosalind Carter who died at the age of 96. Melania said that she was deeply saddened to be reminded that your partner can live that long. And if you're feeling confused, you're not the only one. At a rally on Thursday, President Biden said he was mixed up when he claimed he had just taken a photo with a woman who wasn't even there. Then the next day, Donald Trump repeatedly confused Nikki Haley with Nancy Pelosi. Guys, I don't know if we should do this election. It's honest things starting to feel like elder abuse. It's convicted. If convicted, Hunter Biden could be sentenced to up to 17 years in prison, which would be the first time any Biden has successfully completed a sentence. House Speaker Mike Johnson said that he is blurring the faces on the footage of January 6th, rioters, so that none of them would be charged with a crime. So unfortunately, we'll never know who they are. I don't even blame them. I blame us for allowing it. It reminds me of those bum fight videos where they made two homeless guys fight for money. And now we look back on it and we're like, how did we as a society let that happen? So I think the best solution is we just held Trump and Biden that they both won. And that we're very proud of them. And that they can rest now. Nikki Haley received an endorsement from New Hampshire Governor Chris Sanunu, which would be helpful if anyone knew who that was. A new report shows that for the first time, the majority of billionaires last year received their fortunes through family inheritance and not to brag, but I inherited my family's learning disabilities. In Monday's Iowa caucuses, Rhonda Santos beat out Nikki Haley for second place. What I ought to put, uh, whatever this is on his face. South Carolina Senator Tim Scott, who looks like someone drew Ving Rames with their eyes closed. Enjoys Donald Trump. But remember, most Trump supporters only counted him as three fifths of an endorsement. Oh, boy. During an interview, Elon Musk, who looked like the ghost of a guy who died in a 1950s drag race, was asked was asked if he was anti-Semitic and said that he was in fact, phylo-Semitic. You know, another answer would be no. Donald Trump urged his supporters to brave the sub-supred zero temperatures in Iowa to vote for him, saying even if you vote and then pass away, it's worth it. Voting for Trump and then passing away is also what happened with COVID. Inside is our concern that President Biden's chances for re-election could be damaged by his unwavering support for Israel. But I think the bigger problem for Biden is that he is six years older than Israel. A public library in Alabama has flagged a children's picture book as potentially sexually explicit just because the author's last name is gay. Though, to be fair, the book is titled, Gays Pourn For Kids. John Kerry announced that he is stepping down as the US climate envoy and is expected to focus on President Biden's re-election campaign. And it's not a great sign that Biden's campaign is a big emergency than climate change. In an interview on Fox News presidential candidate Nikki Haley said that America has, quote, never been a racist country. Because if Americans were so racist, why did they have sex with their slaves? New York Mayor Eric Adams responded to allegations that he accepted illegal donations from Turkey, saying, I have not been accused of wrongdoing and I will continue to cooperate. Then he put on his fizz and sped away on a flying carpet. It was reported that the organizers of King Charles's coronation have officially invited Meghan Markle. And this is nice at a starting salary of $19 an hour. That's a very generous guy. Donald Trump posted an image of Nikki Haley made up to look like Hillary Clinton. And honestly, I couldn't tell if it was bad Photoshop or a good picture of Mark Cuban and a wig. Pope Francis called for a ban on surrogate motherhood, which he says violates the dignity of the woman and the child. Plus, the Catholic Church doesn't want extra kids around while they're trying to quit. The Supreme Court is addressing recent allegations of ethical lapses by adopting a new code of conduct replacing their old code of conduct money upfront, no kissing on the mouth. The Senate attempts Scott announced that he is dropping out of the 2024 presidential race with Scott gone to most prominent black Republican is once again the black's for Trump guy. Alright, well. A new report finds that the average 50-year-old in America is worth over $1 million while the average 30-year-old is worth more dead than alive. Elton John won an Emmy for his farewell concert special, earning him a coveted egot, which is an Emmy, a Grammy, and Oscar and a Tony. Several major media companies, including NBC Universal, have pulled their advertising from Elon Musk X, over concerns that ads for their shows could appear next to pro-Nazi propaganda, which is a huge relief because I was definitely worried about where this was going to end up. A new startup company is developing a male contraceptive that involves one injection that will prevent pregnancy for 10 years. So get ready for an exciting future of taking the man's word for it. After a new poll showed Donald Trump leading Joe Biden, Democratic strategists are calling Biden's re-election campaign a five-alarm fire, which is scary for Biden because in a fire, you have to use the stairs. A Volvo crashed through the front of a whole food in a Maryland suburb. It was an accident so white that everyone's insurance went down. A passenger on Spirit Airlines was arrested after he repeatedly asked female flight attendants to join the Mile High Club. Even though Spirit's airplanes can't get above 300 feet. A new app has been introduced called RAPT that claims it can show Instagram users who is looking at their pictures. Uh-oh, set up a bunch of high school teachers. A new study is being conducted to explain why redheads seem to experience pain differently, because they're all witches. Test loaners are complaining that during the sub-zero temperatures that swept through the country they couldn't get their cars to charge. But on the plus side, they were able to stay warm in the battery fires. A man on a plane in India who was trapped in the bathroom with a whole flight says the crew slipped him a piece of paper reading Do Not Panic. Then he slipped them a piece of paper back reading more paper please. And Indiana woman was arrested after she drove her car and so a building because she thought it was a quote, Israel school. Well, that's why they don't let women drive in the Middle East. You don't like it or? A new study suggests that men are better than women at using a map. While women are better at sitting silently for the rest of the car ride after you tell them that. It was reported the inmate who attacked Derek Chauvin, the police officer who killed George Floyd, stabbed Chauvin 22 times, but Chauvin still wouldn't stop choking him. All right. New Jersey police recapture. New Jersey police recapture an escaped pig named Albert Einstein. They call them Albert Einstein because compared to people in New Jersey, pigs are geniuses. Oh man, wow. A new study of pregnant women finds that vaping does not harm their babies as long as they're very careful Chauvin the vape up there. Oh my god. That's the study, that's the study. That's a real study. And it's... A self-described anti-woke beer company has created a calendar which features quote, the most beautiful conservative women in America, which is just a polite way of saying flat asses. This was a nice story over the holidays, nearly 20 drivers on the Staten Island Expressway worked together to save a Chihuahua named Bean that had run onto the road. And then the Staten Islanders banded together again to send Bean back to where he came from.