You go to our raid when you're on, you don't know anyone but everyone seems to know each other. It's hard to tell if you even know yourself. You spend half on the party outside, smoke and cigarettes. You think cigarettes are dumb until you wanna breathe smoke. Breathe in. Breathe out. You don't talk to no one. Your lungs exhale the flat sounds of anxiety. Still cold outside so you get in. If music is too loud, way too loud. You pray that you could fuck the first person that made eye contact with you. You start thinking of how modern civilization will never experience months of combat. How it feels to kill another man. How it feels to take a life. I don't care if I die alone anymore. I just wanna be a good member. Suddenly I remember a conversation. Why we always talk about my past. We never talk about your past. I hate talking about my past.