Welcome to Boston Comedy Chicks! Woo! Woo! Woo! And because I'm a total nerd, that means I've been learning the Latin names of plants. Some of which sound dirty. Like, climatus. It's a vine with beautiful flowers, but to me it sounds like a naughty disease. I'm afraid to ask for it at the garden center because they might give it to me. Clamatus. My friend Julie, she thinks it's what her boyfriend can't find. A lot of people who've never seen a little person think were mysterious creatures that could attack them. There's one thing that I'm terrified of, and it's online dating. I'm afraid of meeting someone who has a weird fetish and wants me to do weird things, and I do not want to meet them in a park. I do. I can go to a bar and I won't get carted because the bartender's afraid of offending me, but essentially, they're willing to let someone who looks like a child into their bar. Technically I am not Jewish because my mother is not Jewish and because my father is Catholic. I read an article the other day that said, if the Venus de Milo was alive today, it should be a size 12 and weigh 160 pounds. It's like, oh my gosh, I would weigh 160 pounds if I also didn't have arms. So excited. My dad's disappointed in me because I'm a vegetarian and he wanted a son. I told this to my mom and she says, you better adopt a Jewish baby. Like the mom, Jewish babies come out of Jewish mothers. The abilcal cords still attach until they're like 30. This is turning me on so much. This is very similar to when I can't get the salt out of the shaker because it's too human. Is it going to come out soon? Should I put some rice in it? They're violent and they pull my hair constantly and the bite, the bite real hard, which isn't so bad until they get a posing teeth and then it's like, oh, that hurts. I passed out, I would wake up with all my hair torn out in bite marks all over my body. And they go everywhere together and they're like, they come a little commoto dragons like crawling towards you. The bottle is still hanging out of their mouth. I worked as a travel agent and all day long, all you hear is, what do you got that's cheaper? Don't you have a cheaper trip than that? What about a chata? You got a chata to say, matten or punta kanta? One day I snapped. I gave this guy a hit of acid and I said, that's the cheapest trip I have, pal, okay? So I got laid off. And I need to work because I can make a terrible housewife. What advice have you ever get pulled over on Route 90 West driving to the Cape? Don't tell the cop you're going around the world theory. Because you get a DUI. I've had four. My Irish. Like Stone Cold's over every time. I think it's like a crazy fool in my ass. I just don't know how to talk to cops. Like, oh, why my eyes? To make it look like I'm crying. And then I'm like, ah, they're bloodshot. He's going to think I'm high. Oh my god, he's going to think I'm high and I try to under rub them. That doesn't work. They just make you more high. And I just get worked up. And I'm like, ah, he's going to think I'm high and they come to window and I'm like, I'm not high. You guys think I'm high but I'm not. Because my eyes are bloodshot but I'm not actually high. It's just that I rub them because I wanted to make you think I was crying. But the fact is, is that I'm just lost trying to get to the Cape. And I didn't realize that you'd take a ferry to get all the way to Asia. And I just wasn't thinking clearly. It's like, ah, nobody specifies they're not high unless they're high. I'm like, ah, you have to do because they're not high. And that's how you get to do. I went to 17. The third was a good idea for like five minutes. And now I'm really not so sure. It's a little embarrassing because I always thought that by the time I had my third kid I'd be at least on my second husband. And I'm still in my first. So I'm an underachiever in my own head. And I really need to get over that and enjoy this little bundle of like blood curdling scream joy that like turns every visit into just a whirling dervish or shit. But amazing at parallel parking. And you know what? People don't expect a woman to be good at parallel parking, apparently. So I have, I've parallel parked in Boston, a suburban and other large cars. The other day I was parallel parking in my usual one step way because I'm that good. That's right. I twist, I line up, I whip in to very small spots. I've had people applaud for me. I'm not kidding you after I parallel park. Well this day I hear this voice and I'm ignoring it, this chatter. And it's this guy, this panhandler on the side of the road who's decided to help me. I don't realize he's talking to me but I have, you got it baby, come on baby, you got it, you got it. Yeah, just let him in. Come on, come on, come on. I guess I have too much Michigan in me still. I'm clinging to it. Even though I've been here a long time when I came here, let me tell you it was a culture shock. First of all, when I tried to find my apartment and I asked for directions, they kept telling me to go to the next set of lights. But I thought they were saying satellite and I drove and drove and drove and drove looking for a satellite dish to turn it. That I am not kidding and I was reduced to the point of tears and then they kept telling talking about these things called squares. You know go down to the square. When you get to the square and I'm like looking for a giant square, I imagined a sculpture of a square or something like but they don't tell you what a square is. We don't have squares in Michigan.