Come to the stage right now, make as much noise as you can for Mr. Dave Ross. Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Rista, how long are you, Dave and I, Drinking? It's easy. 13 seconds, guys. Count us down. Woo! We're T-SWOLK! Let's sing! My! Perform drunk. I'm like, ooh, what is this feeling? Yeah. I'm going to get to be drunk tonight. I live a simple life. This is the silliest dumbest show you'll ever do. Everyone, by the way, that's a whiskey drink that I just pounded for 13 seconds. Woo! Woo! Yeah. And you all make strong drinks here in this backyard. I don't know how often you all make it down to Orange County, California. Um, as loud you're going to fucking hate this joke. Uh, you know, I think there are people in America who like the stereotype of California is that we all walk around all the time like, ha, ha, ha. We all like surf to work. That stereotype is real in Orange County. Just imagine if a human being could be a flip flop. That's everyone in Orange County, California. They all just walk around all the time like, jo-ho, dude! I like incubus! Still! Unreal. Unreal. Unreal. So I was there and I met like an OC, dude, you know, like a server dude. Um, and I didn't even know those people were real. It came up to me. I did a show. He walked up to me after the show, but I saw him coming from a mile away. He, uh, he was walking straight for me. Arms up. Fucking bouncing, you know? Just like so visibly positive. Fucking positive. God, he got it. He got it. Just fucking walking up to me. And he gets up to me and the first thing he says is this, soft dude, fuck yeah. That was the opening line. Soft dude, fuck yeah. He said hello and then he celebrated that hello immediately after it. Do you imagine being that positive in your life? I want that so bad. I'm sure that guy's in her monologue. It's just all day. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Fuck yes, fuck yes, fuck yes. Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, who's Dan? I'm Dan. You really was so angular too. That's not an exaggeration. In every single way, even though he talked, fuck yeah, I did. I'm just drawn a square with my words. You was just way you would picture too. Super tall white dude, long, beautiful blonde hair. His body was a surfboard, his head was a pineapple. He had a girl with him, she had a catchphrase, and went like this, hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. And then she died. Hi. I live here in LA and I live right next to the headquarters of an organization you heard of called PETA. And first of all, I said that to a guy at a bar once that I lived by PETA headquarters and he goes, no, the bread. So yeah, he's the stupidest fucking person who ever lived. Yeah, man, I live by the headquarters of flatbread. That's where I live. It's an old business park for the headquarters of broad concepts. I'm the president of cheese and you're a fucking idiot. But yeah, so I live by PETA headquarters and here's the thing, I'm so fucking liberal, I'm always bleeding. I'm just, you know, I'm down for the cause. Every year, I'm like them too, every year. But every cause, I'm all about it. So I'm all for animal rights. But I still fucking hate PETA so much. And it's because they treat us like we're children. Every single PETA ad is just like, look at this cute little bear, don't eat bears or whatever. This real thing, PETA is trying to get the name of fish legally changed to sea kittens. So we don't eat them. Yeah. The question is, do they think the fact that it's called a cat is the only reason I don't eat my cat? As if you were to change the name of a cat to a land fish, I'd be like, fry it now. I'm fucking starving. I don't give a shit. I eat anything called a fish. Dave, you're eating your couch right now. This is living room fish. Back off. They own the billboard over there building and it's always some dumb shit. But oh man, the one over Thanksgiving is fucking incredible. It's a picture of a turkey and it says, you wouldn't eat your dog, so why would you eat a turkey? I don't know, fuck you because that's how life is. Are you trying to mess with me? Hey, what if the land were on top of the sky? Gotcha. Trash me absolutely insane. I love that logic too. You wouldn't eat your dog, so why would you eat a turkey? You wouldn't fuck your sister, so why would you fuck your wife? You're such a jerk. I don't know. I don't fuck my relatives. Don't fuck my family. I also don't eat my family. See how's the thing? It's not that it's a dog. It's that it's my dog. I'll eat your fucking dog. Cook your dog. I'll eat it. Let's do this. Hey man. I definitely heard. Address said, cook your dog, I'll eat it. A very quiet voice over there. Go, hey man. I know. Maybe I made that up. I heard the southern accent. You heard it too. Hey man. Oh, what the? Wow. Cook your dog, I'll eat it. It could be a show on the Food Network. Easily. Easily. I don't know how much Food Network you watch. I watch it all the time. It's so fucking aggressive. You've all seen Chopped, right? Yeah. Great show. We're people make dinner. That's what's happening. People are making dinner and someone should tell them that so they can fucking relax. Truly, why does dinner need to be so aggressive? Why is there a time limit? Why does someone judge dinner? There's a show that's an offshoot at Chopped. It's about how the chefs are bad. Why? The show is every week. It's just like, all right, tonight we got three chefs. First guy we found in a dumpster. Next guy has no hands. The last chef doesn't speak any language. And they all have 30 seconds to make a funnel cake using only a Bunsen burner and an avocado. And the chefs are all just, AAAAAHHHHH! I have an idea for a cooking show. It's called, really good cooks have plenty of time. Thank you. Big great show. One of the shows on the Food Network is called Baker or Faker. Why is the name mad? It has to people on the show, Baker or Faker. Tonight on Chef or Fuckface. All the next Faker to this guy's a baker. This guy's full of shit. Fuck him. Attle. Start making cookies and quit cheating on your wife. They're all competitions too, dude. I fucking, we're so close to everything on TV being a competition. Tonight on Sex Battle. AAAAAH! Mike and Amanda are both going to fuck Steve. And they both have 30 seconds to make him come using only a Bunsen burner and an avocado. Thank you guys so much, you big day.